coworker’s wife works remotely from our non-remote office

A reader writes:

Weird thing just came up at my work that I’d be curious to hear you weigh in on. I work at a university that is 100% in-person, on-the-ground. My colleague Fergus has an office in an obscure little corner of the building. We rarely see him come in and out, and he tends to be around for odd hours.

Recently, a grad student who works at our front desk mentioned that she sees Fergus’ wife Jane coming to work with him quite often. This was news to me — Fergus’ wife has a 100% remote job that we thought she was doing from home. What I’ve gathered is that Jane seems to be coming to work with Fergus to do her work in his office, and it’s regular enough that our grad students know who she is.

What are your thoughts on this? Our school requires us to be 100% in-person because we work with confidential student records and so that students can stop by to see us at any time, and Jane does work related to confidential medical data, so it seems like it’s inherently a problem if they’re working in the same room. At the same time, that’s a pretty common setup for couples where both partners work remotely. But it also seems … just kind of odd, especially because he hasn’t mentioned this to anyone and almost seems to be sneaking her in. Like, it would make sense if they only had one car and they were coming into the city together because she had an in-town appointment, but they both have their own separate vehicles.

What do you think?

Yes, this is weird and it’s almost certainly a problem.

In many jobs, it wouldn’t be a big deal if it happened occasionally — like for an afternoon a couple times a year when she needed to do something nearby, or for one day because, I don’t know, there was construction happening in their house. But it shouldn’t be happening regularly, for the same reasons that any other random person shouldn’t be regularly working from your office.

Your employer hasn’t agreed to provide office space and other resources to Jane, there are confidentiality issues, it’s likely to pose at least some distraction to Fergus, people stopping by to talk to him may be deterred by her presence, there’s potential legal liability to your employer if something happens to Jane while she’s there … the list of problems goes on and on.

Personally, I’d mention it casually to your boss and see if they know about it.

how to ask for a raise and get it

I’m always surprised by how many people tell me they’ve gone their career without ever asking for a raise. Sometimes they feel awkward starting the conversation or aren’t sure when the right time to broach it is, or they’re not sure how much is reasonable to ask for, or they’re even worried they’ll seem greedy. As a result, they end up earning far less than if they had overcome their fears and spoken up.

So I’m here to tell you: Asking for a raise is a totally normal thing to do! At New York Magazine today, I have a guide on how to do it.

new manager is angry that I’m pregnant

A reader writes:

I’ve just gone through a long interview process for a job I was referred to a while back. I have not been actively applying for jobs because I am pregnant but this one came to me. During the process, I realized this is the best job I’ve ever been considered for — both in regards to the work itself and the compensation — and I felt I had to take it if offered.

I did not disclose my pregnancy until after I got a verbal offer. The hiring manager freaked out — not so much in an angry way but more in a very stressed out way. Apparently, they’ve been grossly understaffed for a very long time and my maternity leave (company policy is to give five months fully paid despite me being new) will be a huge burden. He said some pretty offensive, sexist things:

• “I would’ve been pissed if I’d met you in person and saw your were about to pop.”
• “You should’ve told me this to begin with.”
• “I won’t hold a grudge. I would have lied to get this job too.”
• “We’ll just have to think this over and maybe revisit this job offer in a year.”
• “What, do you think you’re gonna have a six-month-old at home and just be like ‘See ya! Be back in 4 days’?” This job does require a fair amount of travel, but I have done this work for some time and I already have a child. I did this when he was a newborn too.
• In response to my saying I feel I’m in a tough spot and my husband will need paternity leave too although this has not affected his career advancement, he told me that he never took any parental leave for any of his eight (!) children.

This is in addition to repeatedly reiterating how overstretched and busy the team has been. He also tried to assure me that a job offer is binding and that if I just tell HR that I’d like to start in one year, they would be forced to hold the job for me since it would be signed by the CEO. He also said it WOULD NOT be binding for me. He was trying to get me to reach out to them myself and request this. This honestly would have been preferable to me as my current company gives longer maternity leave. However, I obviously did not trust him about a binding job offer. I think I’d have been okay with a little uncertainty on that, but he just seemed so full of it. I did consult with an employment attorney, who basically said I cannot sue when they did not actually rescind the offer.

Shortly after I spoke with him at length, talent acquisition called to tell me how excited they are for me to start immediately and seemed very confused when I explained the hiring manager does not want me to start immediately. I also told her I cannot see myself working under this manager. I assumed they already somewhat knew of the situation, but I think that was wrong.

Anyway, the company’s reaction was swift. The VP called me several times from his European vacation, immediately committed to move me under a different manager, and came up with a plan to arrange the departments so this won’t look weird. I met with the other manager and she seems lovely. She’s a mom too, which is great.

I’ve now accepted the job and given notice to my current employer, but my stomach is in knots about it. I’m terrified that everyone is going to hate me from day one because of what this guy has told them about how I “lied.” I’m also really wrestling with how to report the full context of what happened to HR. Any advice or a script for HR would be most appreciated. I’ve never accepted a job under such fraught conditions.

Whoa, this guy is unhinged — and the reason the VP called multiple times from his European vacation is that the company knows he put them in legal jeopardy, as well as just making the company look terrible. I can almost guarantee you that someone had Serious Words with him. (And yes, your attorney said you couldn’t sue unless they revoked the offer — but if you had started working there and experienced other forms of pregnancy discrimination or sex discrimination, the manager’s comments to you absolutely would have made legal action at that point significantly easier.)

Also, the hiring manager’s claim that job offers are “binding” was 100% false. Offers can be revoked at any time, as long as it’s not for an illegal reason (like that you’re pregnant).

People are very unlikely to hate you because this manager told them you “lied.” Anyone with any sense knows that you’re not obligated to disclose you’re pregnant when you’re interviewing, and that women have very good reasons for not disclosing it (this manager being exhibit #1). It also sounds extremely likely that the company will have schooled everyone involved about pregnancy discrimination and their legal obligations to ensure that you don’t face any hostility over it. (In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if your new manager makes a point of ensuring it’s clear that they don’t harbor ill will toward you over it.)

You also didn’t act in any way aggressively here! When the talent acquisition person called you, all you said was that it seemed like the hiring manager would prefer you start in a year; you were pretty low-key about it! You would have had every right to take a more assertive approach, and the company knows that; the fact that you didn’t do that is likely to be helpful in terms of relationship-building when you start. (And yes, it is messed up that that’s the case; standing up to discrimination shouldn’t make relationship-building at a new job harder, but in reality it sometimes can. In your case, they’re probably quite aware that you gave them more grace than you had to.)

Regarding reporting the full context of what happened to HR: all else being equal, I’d probably wait until you’ve been there a couple of weeks and have seen how things are going and then check in with them. Hopefully you’ll be able to tell them that everything is going great with the new team, and then say that you want to fill them in on your conversation with the original manager, “since it seems like something you should know for other pregnant hires in the future.”

I’m sorry this happened, and I strongly suspect that after you’ve been working there for a while, you’re going to find out this guy sucks in other ways too … and I wouldn’t be surprised if your new colleagues already know it.

my coworker does extreme sports when she’s out sick, asking to skip a performance review, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker does extreme sports whenever she’s out sick

I have a coworker, “Pattie,” who has a remote work accommodation due to a mental health diagnosis. For the past year, she has been chronically late to meetings, missed deadlines, and been difficult to reach. This would already be bad, but to make matters worse, she insists on leading projects (for example, creating and facilitating a presentation for over 50 participants) and on the day of, ends up being a no-show without advance warning!

Pattie has a public social media account where she posts all about the extreme sport she is involved in (for anonymity, let’s say she does BMX). We’ve noticed that during times when she was “sick” or a no-show, she has posted videos of new bicycle tricks, or videos from international BMX competitions (not surprising we can’t reach her when she is apparently hours ahead of our local time). She also appears to have a sponsorship for knee pads, which she posts about as well. Infuriatingly, we are city employees, so she’s using taxpayer dollars to subsidize her budding career as a BMX influencer.

As you can imagine, morale on our team has been abysmal. One of us recently left, I am next (yay), and more are on their way out. I’m leaving, so this question isn’t about my personal sanity, and more about what advice you would give my manager. My manager is a decent person, and was really manipulated by Pattie, so she didn’t understand how big of a problem this was until the resignations started pouring in. Reading between the lines, I am pretty sure that my manager went to HR and HR said that there isn’t enough evidence to take action against Pattie (bureacracy!) What is the right thing for a manager to do in this situation when she’s completely shut down by HR? Is there any way to restore morale on the team, or is it too late?

The law that requires companies to make accommodations for medical conditions doesn’t say “the employee can do anything they want because they have a medical condition.” It says that they need to be offered reasonable accommodations if those will allow the employee to perform the essential functions of her job, and if the accommodations don’t cause undue hardship to the company. I can’t speak to Pattie’s job specifically, but in many, many jobs meeting deadlines, remaining reachable, and not no-showing without warning would be considered essential functions of the job that she’d still need to meet.

Moreover, if she’s definitely lying about being sick, that’s a separate problem; medical accommodations don’t let someone lie to get additional time off. To be thorough, I want to note that it’s possible that Pattie isn’t lying about being sick — for example, any chance she’s posting those videos on her days off but they were made at an earlier time? — but I’m guessing you have enough info to know that’s the not the case, and the competition dates are presumably public.

Ideally your manager would work with HR to clearly define the essential responsibilities of the role and lay those out for Pattie, and to make it clear what they can and can’t accommodate and what the consequences will be if XYZ doesn’t change. But if you have incompetent HR that doesn’t understand the law or their jobs, as well as higher leadership that allows HR to obstruct managers, they may be nothing your boss can do other than to leave herself.

2. Can I ask to skip a performance review?

I’ve been pretty miserable at my job for the past few months, and while I know I need to secure a new position, I don’t have one yet. I am considering just quitting at this point, because the stress is making it really hard to job hunt while also doing my job (this is extremely dramatic given that it’s not even a bad job, I’m just a really really bad fit for it).

I have a performance review coming up (which sure is not going to be positive!), and I just can’t do it. I am going to cry the whole time. Is there any way I can gracefully request we NOT go through this process which will be painful for me and a waste of time for them?

Probably not, I’m sorry! If you had resigned and had an end date set, almost definitely — few managers will think there’s any point in going through the performance review process at that point, unless your job has a truly frightening level of bureaucracy that would require it anyway. But otherwise, you can’t really say, essentially, “I don’t want to talk about how things are going or where I need to improve” (which is the point of the process).

3. Bringing in puzzles to a new job

A few months ago, one of my coworkers started bringing jigsaw puzzles into our break room and it’s been a fun little lunch activity! I generally go out to eat and come back to the office with about 30 minutes of lunch time left, and before then I spent it in my cubicle because I felt a little awkward sitting in the break room when I wasn’t eating anything.

Now, I’ll spend it working on the puzzle, and if another coworker comes in, we generally both work on it together and chat a little. It’s nothing major, but I feel like it helps to give us a topic to talk about, and it’s nice to use your brain for something else for a little bit. It seems like everyone else either enjoys it or doesn’t mind it.

It got me thinking about how this probably won’t be the culture at the next job I work at … but it’s not like it’s a super entrenched part of ours, you know? It only happened because one coworker started bringing them in, and he’s neither a manager or someone who’s worked here for a particularly long time. So my question is, when is it okay to be that coworker?

I think any time as long as you’re not brand new. I wouldn’t do it in your first month while you’re still learning the culture and people don’t know much about you yet — that risks missing some cultural cues that might have changed your plans if you’d caught them, and also risks looking a little too “I have just arrived but this is now my home and I will shortly be moving in a chaise and 20 spider plants” … but after you’ve been there a few months, go for it.

4. Can I ask my assistant to check in with me before she leaves?

I have what I think is a simple question about respectfully managing my assistant, Elsa. Elsa is a hard working, organized, and generally delightful person. The year I’ve worked with her has been a dream. She works an early schedule and leaves/signs off (hybrid office) at 4:30. I tend to start later and also work late because I’m a disorganized lawyer. In general, this works well — I send her a bunch of stuff in the evening and by the time I get in, she’s got it all done. However, there are times when I need something same-day, and often I don’t clock that 4:30 mark until she has left. Is it reasonable to ask her to check in with me around 4 everyday, just in case there’s a thing I’ve forgotten to ask for, or is this a me problem that I should learn to figure out on my end?

It’s reasonable to ask your assistant to check in with you every day at a certain time; that’s a thing that often gets asked of assistants. I think you’re hesitant to ask because your self-image is that you’re disorganized and you feel like you should overcome that without transferring any of the burden to her, but any good assistant would want to know that this would be helpful to you. It would be trickier if she weren’t your assistant — although even then you could ask it in a lot of cases as long as she reported to you — but in this case it’s an easy yes.

Is 4:00 early enough though? I might bump that to 3 or 3:30 to ensure she has time to complete whatever you might ask for without displacing other things she was planning for that time.

5. How long should you keep paperwork from an old job?

I’m in the background check/employment verification stage of a new job. They need a record for jobs in the last 10 years. One of my jobs from that period was for a company that has since been acquired by a huge company with headquarters out of my home country and I can’t get in touch with anyone there. Luckily, I still have my offer letter from that role, and that was an accepted form of verification. But I’m a digital packrat. For those people who like to delete things, how long should you keep official paperwork from old jobs like paystubs, offer letters, etc?

Ten years is the most typical look-back period for employment verification. That doesn’t mean that you need every paystub from that period, but you should have something verifying your employment for each job, which could be an offer letter, one paystub per year, a year-end payroll summary if you got them, or so forth. You don’t have to do this, but it can make your life a lot easier if you do.

my coworker won’t stop telling me that I smell

I’m off today. This was originally published in 2017.

A reader writes:

I enjoy wearing perfume, but tend to stick to indie oil scents, since the smell tends to stick closer to my skin (so, in theory, I don’t bother my coworkers) and also because I seem to be sensitive to the alcohol that a lot of spray perfumes use. I also tend to use unscented deodorant and laundry detergent; I really dislike how “chemical-y” scented products like this tend to be.

About a month ago, one of my coworkers told me that the perfume I was wearing bothered her. I work closely with her, so I immediately apologized and washed it off, and haven’t worn any of my perfume since. I don’t have a huge wardrobe, so most if not all of my office-appropriate clothes have been washed since then, so I’m pretty sure that there are no lingering traces hanging on.

My problem is that this coworker is now complaining constantly about the perfume I’m not wearing! She even went to my manager, who pulled me aside and asked me about things like deodorant and bath products. I’ve tried to explain to my coworker that basically nothing I use is scented anymore, but she makes exaggerated sniffing noises and says things like, “Oh, patchouli AGAIN?” when I get near her. (Again, I am not wearing ANY perfume, my deodorant is unscented, I shower every morning and my body wash is lightly lemon scented and doesn’t stick around.) It’s reached the point where it feels like juvenile bullying and I honestly don’t know what to do.

Do four things:

1. Stop using the lemon-scented body wash for a few days and see if she keeps making the comments. It’s possible that it’s lingering in a way that you don’t realize. And if the comments don’t stop, then you can legitimately say that you have cut out all scented products and it hasn’t changed anything.

2. Say this to the coworker: “Jane, since you raised this issue, I have stopped wearing any scented products to work, and I have washed all of my work clothes in unscented laundry detergent. There shouldn’t be any fragrances lingering around. I can’t think of anything else that I can do. Is there something else you’re hoping I’ll try? If not, I need you to stop commenting about something that I can’t do anything about. At this point, it feels like I’m being harassed for fragrances that I’m not wearing and I want you to stop.”

You could also say, “If you’re suffering from fragrance sensitivity, you should talk to (manager) or HR about what accommodations they can offer. But I need you to stop the constant comments about me.”

3. Say this to your boss: “Ever since Jane mentioned a month ago that a perfume I was wearing bothered her, I’ve made a big effort to ensure I’m not wearing anything scented around her. I’ve stopped wearing perfume, have switched to unscented deodorant, and I wash my clothes in unscented detergent. And of course I shower daily. Yet every time she’s near me she complains about the fragrances she says I’m wearing. I’m not, and I’ve told her I’m not. I’m not sure what else I can do. I’ve asked her to stop, and I’d like to ask you to intervene if it continues, because it’s becoming disruptive, and frankly at this point her continued complaints are starting to feel like harassment.”

(To be clear, this doesn’t sound like harassment in the legal sense — that would need to be based on race, sex, religion, or another protected characteristic — but it’s certainly harassing in the colloquial sense.)

4. If your coworker continues the comments after these conversations, then at that point, say this: “Clearly this isn’t something we can resolve on our own. Should we go talk to (manager) or HR together and resolve this once and for all?”

And then do that, because it’s reasonable for you not to want to be subjected to this. Even if she has legitimate fragrance sensitivities — and some people do, although it’s not clear if that’s really what’s going on with her or not — this isn’t the way for her to handle it.

2017 note to commenters: There have been loads of suggestions below for additional ways the letter-writer could tackle potential scents and stamp them out. I’m going to ask that we stop with those suggestions now and instead focus on how she should deal with the coworker, which I think will be more helpful to her. At this point, the issue is that she has a coworker who’s being rude and snarky to her, not that she should just stop using bubble bath on weekends or so forth.

2024 note to readers: You’ll want to read the update to this one.

we have public shamings about how often we say “um” and “uh”

I’m off today. This was originally published in 2017.

A reader writes:

Every month, my work has a “pep rally” where the whole staff gets together to highlight what’s going on in each department. My boss, the executive director, has recently decided she wants to cure everyone of using the words “um,” “uh,” and “like” when they are talking. Her idea is that each pep rally, two people will present some sort of five-minute speech on their department and we will all watch and count how many times the person says “um,” “uh,” or “like.”

It’s horrible. It makes you overthink everything because you’re so conscious that all your peers are staring at you, waiting for your next “um.” A bunch of us call it “The Shaming.” It doesn’t seem to help and it makes people feel bad afterward. When you’re done, our boss announces how many times you said “um” and lets you know what else you could work on.

I just don’t think this is right. I get what my boss is trying to do, but I feel like there’s a better way to go about it. Would I be out of line if I said something to her about how I felt?

There’s a certain type of manager who’s unclear on appropriate boundaries and thinks it’s okay to use their position to carry out personal agendas that have nothing to do with people’s jobs (like this guy). This feels very much like your manager has a pet peeve and has decided to misuse the authority of her job — and misuse the time of her staff — to pursue something that really shouldn’t be this high of a priority.

It’s very unlikely that everyone on your staff has a job where using the occasional “um” or “uh” matters. Some do, no doubt, but it’s unlikely that it’s so important to everyone’s position that they need this kind of training.

Your boss would probably argue that everyone can benefit from becoming a more polished speaker. And sure, it’s a great skill to build if people want to.

But this isn’t the way to go about it. The public shamings are BS, even for the people who genuinely do need to be extremely polished when speaking. In general, people do better when they get critical feedback in private, not when they’re forced to stand in front of their peers while they’re critiqued.

I get “I wanted to be a teacher” vibes from the whole thing, but she’s dealing with adults who aren’t taking a class.

So no, you wouldn’t be out of line to speak up. But unless you have extremely good rapport with your boss — and maybe even then — you’ll be more effective if you and some of your coworkers speak up as a group, rather than if it’s just you.  The more of you saying “this feels demeaning and we want to stop,” the more likely you are to have an impact.

(You might also arm yourself with this take on “like” from Merriam-Webster and this one from linguists — for your own morale, if nothing else.)

Read an update to this letter here.

we say grace at team meals, is it unethical to automate people’s jobs away, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. We’re supposed to say grace at the start of team meals

I work in government. Fairly new to job, first time in government. Been in private sector and higher education before this. Every time my department has a group meal, they say grace. Led by either the director of the department or the staff member who is also a pastor. This is weird, right? I’m an atheist. We have at least one other on staff who practices a religion other than Christianity. In nearly any workplace this would be weird, but again, I work for THE GOVERNMENT, which makes it even more uncomfortable. Having group staff grace where it’s expected everyone is just fine with this is not inclusive, not considerate, and seems highly problematic. If you personally want to say grace over your meal, have at it! But the expectation of everyone participating or acquiescing and it being led by the director?

If I were to report this to HR or even our EEO, I know it’d get traced back to me for pretty obvious reasons (I am definitely the odd one out in the office on any number of things), and I can imagine it becoming something people will “jokingly” comment on … which again, isn’t a welcoming work environment. I don’t know what to do, or if I should do anything, but every time it happens I continue to just think “WTF.”

Yes, this is weird and inappropriate. It’s also not terribly uncommon in some parts of the U.S. Any chance you’re in the south? Surprisingly, it’s not illegal even though this is a government employer; government meetings are permitted to include prayer as long as they don’t force anyone’s participation in it (Supreme Court, Town of Greece v. Galloway, 2014).

Whether or not to say anything is really a personal decision; you need to weigh any likely blow-back and how much you care about that against how much it bothers you, especially as a new person.

If the director and/or pastor seem like decent people, you might have better luck talking with them privately rather than complaining to HR (since it’s not illegal) and asking them to reconsider the practice. A lot of people don’t realize grace isn’t some sort of non-denominational religious practice and think of it as almost secular in nature; it’s possible that by explaining that it’s not, you could get some traction (and even more so if you’re joined by any other coworkers who feel similarly).

Related:
I’m a public employee and the governor pushes religion at work

2. Is it unethical to automate people’s jobs away?

I’ve recently been lucky enough to snag the kind of job I’ve been looking for over months — relatively stable part-time data science work, which is very rare. Currently this is a side hustle, but eventually this could allow me to quit my full-time job and stay at home with my kids more. I am also going to learn a lot on the project that I’ve been assigned to and pick up some very desirable skills.

Here’s the problem. I am certain that the AI project I’m working on will eventually lead to other part-time workers losing their jobs, or at the very least reducing their hours. I am positive that the work people are doing by hand can be done really well by AI, and I’ve been hired to implement it. My project manager isn’t so sure — she said it’s a boring task and that whole “I want AI to do the dishes and not make art” tagline I’ve seen on social media — but she’s older and I worry she’s naive about the impact this can have. But maybe I’m younger and naive about the speed of change in public sector contracting.

I am a religious person, and the idea that I may be taking away part of people’s livelihoods is haunting me. But this work absolutely will be done by somebody eventually, and for me it’s my dream job. Is it unethical to do this kind of work?

I can’t answer that without more details about exactly what you’re going to be working on. But ultimately it doesn’t matter what I think about it anyway; it matters what you think. From the oil and gas industry to law enforcement to lobbying and on and on, people have all kinds of jobs that someone else might not feel ethically comfortable with, and many of our actions (both at work and not) unavoidably leave footprints in the world that we might prefer not be there. At the same time, many types of progress that we generally feel good about mean that some types of jobs are left behind as things evolve. (We don’t have knocker-uppers tapping at windows anymore either, although most of us consider alarm clocks an improvement.) But we all draw our lines in different places. You need to figure out where your lines are and what you will and won’t feel good about. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but it’s really so, so individual.

All that said, though, I’m not sure your project manager’s response quite gets at your concerns. Just because it’s a boring task doesn’t mean that people won’t suffer if they’re displaced from it.

3. How can I find out if my vacation time will be paid out when I leave?

My question is about how to give notice when it’s unclear whether banked PTO will be paid out—and there’s no way of finding that out without giving up the game.

My company is very small (nine employees) and does not conform to a conventional (or, really, any) organizational structure. HR is handled by one of our two owners, and by “HR” I mean stuff like dealing with benefits, payroll, and resources. I have virtually no contact with this guy, so it would be highly irregular for me to ask him anything — and all but an admission that I am looking to skedaddle if I asked about a possible PTO payout. There’s no other person I can ask who (A) would know the answer and/or (B) I can trust. (My state does not require vacation payout, so it’s up to individual companies.)

Normally, I’d not sweat this issue: I’d just give my two weeks and either be pleased that I got a payout or bummed that I didn’t. But — malcontent alert! — I am one of three employees who are still on board after launching this company as a startup 11 years ago, and in that time I’ve had ZERO raises despite the fact that the company has been increasingly profitable. Add to that some other cultural/role issues, and my inclination to be charitable here is … right in line with my raises. I’m not sure I’d be comfortable giving two weeks’ notice, learning that I was not going to get a payout, and then just cashing in (some of) my banked time to serve out those weeks. But I’m not sure I wouldn’t. Do you see some option or alternative I’ve overlooked?

Any chance you’re in touch with anyone who’s left who could tell you how it was handled for them? With such a small company, that might not be an option — but that’s one thing to check if you can.

Otherwise, I’d be inclined to simply ask when you resign whether vacation time is paid out. It they say it’s not, you can say, “Ideally I’d like to set my final day for November 6 (or whatever) but if that means I’ll lose all the vacation time I’ve accrued, I’ll need to take it before I leave since it’s part of my compensation.” Do be aware that some companies have policies against taking vacation time during your notice period (especially a big chunk of it as opposed to a day or two) so it’s possible that could become a point of contention — but it’s a reasonable stance to take, and you can try negotiating from there.

4. Am I cheap for seeking mileage reimbursement for business dinner travel?

I’m wondering about mileage reimbursement. Maybe six or so times a year, I have to drive about 60 miles round-trip for business dinners. These aren’t client meetings, but meetings for my professional organization city group. Very much a networking thing on behalf of my firm. I always put in for mileage reimbursement, and my firm gives it to me without questioning, but I’m wondering if this is a “cheap” thing of me to do. Is the mileage cost something that I should just eat?

Nope, you should continue submitting for it. It’s a business expense, not a personal one, and it’s not cheap to expect your company to cover the costs of business activities, as they’ve been doing.

open thread – October 11, 2024

It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

new boss has a different work style, hanging a photo of the president in your office, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My new boss has a different work style than my old boss

I’ve been in my job for three years under James. I’ve liked working with him and have learned a lot. The work is fairly strategic in nature, and James often asked for multiple approaches to be tested and a lot of workshopping before making decisions. He prioritized creativity and thoroughness over speed. Mostly this worked out fine and he was never unhappy with my work, but sometimes it took a month to do something that I felt could have been done in a week. I would have preferred a little more independence and decisiveness, but overall it was fine. He would also sometimes assign projects and then forget about them when I was finished, which wasted time or resources.

James has recently been promoted and is no longer my supervisor. I am now supervised by his former boss, Michael. Michael approaches the role very differently. He is much more focused on getting results and while it’s been a bit more hectic, overall it’s a positive and I’ve been getting a lot more done and feel better that projects aren’t dragging out any longer.

Michael has not said anything negative to me but has occasionally queried why something from a while ago was never finished or why an earlier version of something took much longer. I’ve just said the priorities at the time were different but haven’t elaborated. I’m not sure if I should ask for a meeting to explain that I worked at a particular pace because that was what James wanted and I wasn’t slacking off or struggling before. Michael would not previously have known a lot about what I do but I don’t want him to have a negative impression so I’d like to clear the air, while also not blaming James for the previous slower turnarounds.

I’d love some advice on how to approach this or if I should even say anything. James still works here, and he and Michael are good friends.

I don’t think you’ll necessarily need a specific meeting to address it; it’ll probably be enough if you just add a bit more information each time Michael asks about one of these things. For example, rather than just explaining that X didn’t happen or took a long time because the priorities were different, you could say, “James wanted me to test X, Y, and Z before making a final decision about it, so that added a few weeks to the timeline.” Or, “I did X and Y on project Z but James ultimately decided not to pursue it.” This isn’t throwing James under the bus; it’s giving your current boss factual, relevant context about why things were done. At some point if it comes up organically you could also say, “James preferred to test a lot of angles and his style was to prioritize that over finishing more quickly. I actually really like finishing things quickly and find it more satisfying, so I think my style meshes more with yours in that regard.”

2. Can I have a picture of the president on my office wall?

I have a picture of the sitting president and vice president on the wall of my private corporate office. It is not in a common area like the break room, conference area, or hallway. Is this a violation?

That’s up to your company! But it’s definitely reasonable for them to say that people can’t put up partisan political messages at work, and they can have a legitimate interest in doing that. It might be more intuitive if you think about how you’d feel about a colleague who had a portrait of the previous sitting president in their office and how that could potentially affect your working relationship or simply be a distraction.

(This assumes you’re at a private employer. In the federal government, office buildings frequently hang portraits of the sitting president, although they’re typically in common areas. This is a weird tradition.)

3. “Have a great day!” in email signatures

A few people who report to me use an email signature that includes the words “have a good day” or “thank you and have a great day!” before their signature. Emails may include external or internal customer support, as well as day-to-day internal emails.

I find this off-putting. Emails could be anything from a neutral customer question, to a very serious problem with a customer account, to responding to a coworker who emailed about their mom being sick. Sometimes it just doesn’t fit with the rest of the email. I think I am also personally annoyed by being told to have a good day.

So far, I have not said anything. I assume they have added this to their email template out of kindness. In at least one case, I don’t have the best relationship with the person, and I don’t want to unnecessarily increase tension. Is this just a personal annoyance that I should get over? Is there a legitimate business case in asking them to remove it?

It’s mostly a personal annoyance that you should get over. There’s one exception: if they’re not editing that out of emails where it would be inappropriate (like a response to someone saying they’ll be out for bereavement, for example), you have standing to tell them to be vigilant about doing that. Otherwise, though, let it go — after all, if they were manually writing that out every time, it would be too micromanagery to tell them to stop. (This assumes that you’re working in a fairly typical environment where people have some autonomy over the way they write emails beyond this.)

4. Coworker keeps sending timecard reminders to our team’s social group text

My team recently doubled in size, and many of the new hires are in their early 20’s, either in their first or second job post-school. We also hired two leads, a brand new position for the expanded team. Both of the leads were outside hires, neither of whom had direct experience in our field, and it seems like one of them, “Taylor,” is struggling a bit to figure out what being a lead means. In their defense, one of the team managers is a huge micromanager and power hoarder who I suspect has not been sharing power well and who I know has pushed back on both leads when they’ve come to management with suggestions for what they might contribute. Neither management nor coworkers with more seniority know what the lead roles are either. (That’s part of the reason none of the existing staff applied for them.)

One way this has displayed for Taylor, though, seems to be trying to assert their authority as much as possible in ways that I and other coworkers I’ve chatted with find annoying and counterproductive. The most recent manifestation of this involves a coworker group chat of about 20 people started by one of the other new hires. Now, I don’t want to be in a 20-person group text in any context, but especially not for work. It’s mostly social with people sharing fun photos (followed by a dozen notifications of “Elliott liked this photo”), but recently Taylor has started using it to remind everyone to submit our timecards. They’re doing this by making memes about it, so not only do I get the text from them (before I’ve even clocked in that morning) but also the requisite 5-10 follow-ups that someone slapped an emoji response on the meme.

Taylor is not my (or anyone else’s) supervisor, and I do not need or want timecard reminders from them. I’ve muted my own notifications from that group but apparently my phone will neither allow me to leave the group entirely nor prevent notifications from showing in the status bar. Can I just respond in the group chat after the next timecard meme just saying, “Hey, can I request we keep this chat social and leave work messages for email or Teams?” I do like my colleagues and don’t want to seem crotchety, and I think for Gen Z a huge group chat is a pretty innocuous thing, but I am genuinely annoyed. Should I say something to Taylor in person so I’m not calling them out in front of everyone else? Should I just keep dismissing notifications and relax?

It’s reasonable to say, ““Hey, can I request we keep this chat social and leave work messages for email or Teams?” And actually it makes it less of a big deal if you just say it casually in the chat rather than having a whole one-on-one conversation with Taylor about it. If you want, you could add, “I don’t always check here and I don’t want to miss anything work-related that I need to see.”

But also, this would be A Lot for a lot of people. Could you suggest moving the whole thing to a Slack channel or something else that’s easier to mute/ignore and where you can turn off push notifications altogether (or only have it on work devices)?

However, all that only gets at the constant notifications problem, when it sounds like your real issue is with Taylor asserting authority that they don’t have. If that’s the piece you really want to address, that’s a one-on-one conversation with either Taylor or your manager — although if you go that route, focus on examples other than the timecard thing since, while that’s annoying, it’s likely to seem a little nitpicky. If you have more substantive examples, those will be more effective to use.