update from reader irritated by her boss

I just received an update from the reader who wrote in recently about being fed up with her manager, who wasn’t giving her enough information about projects, didn’t give her time to talk with him, and engaged in a variety of other annoying habits. Several commenters and I advised her on ways to neutralize his weirdnesses. (Read the original post here.)

She writes:
“I’m not sure whether some of the strategies are working, or whether it’s just a general change, but my relationship with my boss is really going well at the moment. There is a much better communication level and he has more realisation of exactly what I am spending my time on, so he values it more. I’m really loving coming to work at the moment.”

I’m sure this indicates I need more of a life, but this made my day.

My name is Lora, I am 37 years old and I married my husband when I was 18 years old. My husband was 19 at the time and we have children. My husband feels that I am an abusive partner. He feels this way because he cannot hold up a conversation with me and when he does, should I disagree with him, I shout loudly for everyone to hear, I scream and use vulgar language.
As I am writing this story my husband is sitting next to me, pointing out what I should say. When I am not saying what he wants, which is most probably the truth, he is telling me that I am a compulsive liar, I am also to my husband a pathological liar and a verbal abuser.

I am not denying that, when communicating with my husband, I do go over the handle, I do scream, shout, get violent and hurt myself in the process. My reason for doing this is, I feel that whenever my husband accuses me of something which I know is not true, it makes me crazy. By my actions and behaviour my husband is more and more convinced that I am lying and not telling all the truth. My husband usually remains very calm, whilst I am throwing my toys out of the cot and behaving like a deranged lunatic. Recently my husband has accused me of having an affair with my boss. My husband has suspected something for three years and would ask me about this from time to time.

I would always lie that there was nothing, but my boss at the beginning was being overly friendly and offered me a lift to work. I rejected his offer but felt and suspected that my boss wanted more than being just colleagues since I would always refuse his offer of transport. I immediately reported the incident, a meeting was held between my self, my boss and senior officials. My boss also would make unnecessary conversations with me of which I would always show no interest. My boss would usually leave for a while but return with the same irritating way of making another conversation at another time. Until one day he said that if I did not take his offer of transport I should not be late to work.

I found this to be inappropriate since I feel that I do not need a man to save me or help me with anything. I feel that I am quite capable of taking care of myself. Besides, i felt that my boss was using his position to make me do something I do not want to do and put me in a compromising position. This I felt was inappropriate since I felt that my boss may have feelings for me and wanted to have an affair with me. This was when I first started working there.

I did not tell my husband about any of this, whenever he asked, I would lie and say that there was nothing ever going on or went on. My husband always suspected an affair and I would always go off the handle and verbally abuse him. Three weeks ago my husband sent me clippings of infidelity. This set me off that I was on the street walking like a mad woman, leaving home for good, upset and angry. I eventually came home after my husband persuaded me to. When I got home and started talking, I decided to tell him about what happened three years ago between my boss and myself because I was frustrated that he always would accuse me of an affair when there was no affair.

I told my husband that despite the fact that my boss irritated me, disgusted me, I hated my boss with a vengeance, couldn’t stand the sight of my boss and my boss’s presence made me very uncomfortable. Despite this, and because of the incident at the beginning, I knew that my boss had feelings for me. I told my husband that my boss’s feelings were his problem, I said that I knew that my boss appreciated me and knew the way he thought and felt while my boss sat in his office. I said to my husband that I knew that my boss found me to be a sexually attractive woman. I said that I know that I am a beautiful attractive woman, if my boss wanted to sit and drool about me that was my boss’s problem. I said to my husband that this made me feel good. This gave me an ego boost and got my thrills from it. I said to my husband that because I knew how my boss felt for me I could do whatever I wanted and I controlled that office and was the boss. I also told my husband that when I said jump, my boss would. My husband asked me about the woman that worked there, did I not feel appreciated by them. I said no I did not feel the same about the woman because they were woman and my boss was a male.

My husband cannot understand that I was disgusted by my boss, disliked and hated the man and also feel all the above feelings.
My husband feels that this is a contradiction, there is more to the story and this does not add up cause one cannot feel anything from someone that one is disgusted by.

I am constantly asked about this and I always say the same thing to my husband because what I am saying to my husband is the truth. I become frustrated because I feel constantly accused and whenever my husband accuses me of anything that I know is untrue I go off the handle. I then scream on top of my voice at my husband out of frustration and anger, I use vulgar language not considering my children or the neighbors, I hurt myself and at that time I become violent, I take whatever I find , cords, knives to harm myself and also sometimes try to harm my husband and threaten him to stay away from me. Why do I feel I get into this state? I feel that the more I explain, the more I tell the truth, my husband does not believe me. I get frustrated, like I am being interrogated, pushed in a corner. I feel that my husband disbelieves anything I say and it frustrates me that if he disbelieves everything, thinks I am a liar, why then should he waste my time and his asking me for answers which he will disbelieve in anyway. The most frustrating thing about all this, is when I know I’m telling the truth and he is disbelieving me, I’m screaming and shouting and the damn man sits so calmly, I feel like I am a mad person. I feel that my husband is trying to push me over the edge. I feel like he is so convinced that I am all bad, he always points all my shortfalls and I feel like whatever I do is unimportant. My opinion is not important, my feelings too. I hate being accused wrongfully about anything and whenever my husband accuses me, he talks as though he is right about his accusations when I know he is not and I display terrible behaviour which makes me look guilty. I feel that my husband enjoys seeing me go crazy although he displays hurt about my behaviour. He is usually shocked at my behaviour. Please advise me whether I am a verbal abuser or what ????

{ 3 comments… read them below }

HR Wench* September 28, 2007 at 6:24 pm

Shoot if you need to get a life I am really in trouble….it’s not even my blog and it made MY day!!!
Anonymous* October 9, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Hello

My name is Lora, I am 37 years old and I married my husband when I was 18 years old. My husband was 19 at the time and we have children. My husband feels that I am an abusive partner. He feels this way because he cannot hold up a conversation with me and when he does, should I disagree with him, I shout loudly for everyone to hear, I scream and use vulgar language.
As I am writing this story my husband is sitting next to me, pointing out what I should say. When I am not saying what he wants, which is most probably the truth, he is telling me that I am a compulsive liar, I am also to my husband a pathological liar and a verbal abuser.

I am not denying that, when communicating with my husband, I do go over the handle, I do scream, shout, get violent and hurt myself in the process. My reason for doing this is, I feel that whenever my husband accuses me of something which I know is not true, it makes me crazy. By my actions and behaviour my husband is more and more convinced that I am lying and not telling all the truth. My husband usually remains very calm, whilst I am throwing my toys out of the cot and behaving like a deranged lunatic. Recently my husband has accused me of having an affair with my boss. My husband has suspected something for three years and would ask me about this from time to time.

I would always lie that there was nothing, but my boss at the beginning was being overly friendly and offered me a lift to work. I rejected his offer but felt and suspected that my boss wanted more than being just colleagues since I would always refuse his offer of transport. I immediately reported the incident, a meeting was held between my self, my boss and senior officials. My boss also would make unnecessary conversations with me of which I would always show no interest. My boss would usually leave for a while but return with the same irritating way of making another conversation at another time. Until one day he said that if I did not take his offer of transport I should not be late to work.

I found this to be inappropriate since I feel that I do not need a man to save me or help me with anything. I feel that I am quite capable of taking care of myself. Besides, i felt that my boss was using his position to make me do something I do not want to do and put me in a compromising position. This I felt was inappropriate since I felt that my boss may have feelings for me and wanted to have an affair with me. This was when I first started working there.

I did not tell my husband about any of this, whenever he asked, I would lie and say that there was nothing ever going on or went on. My husband always suspected an affair and I would always go off the handle and verbally abuse him. Three weeks ago my husband sent me clippings of infidelity. This set me off that I was on the street walking like a mad woman, leaving home for good, upset and angry. I eventually came home after my husband persuaded me to. When I got home and started talking, I decided to tell him about what happened three years ago between my boss and myself because I was frustrated that he always would accuse me of an affair when there was no affair.

I told my husband that despite the fact that my boss irritated me, disgusted me, I hated my boss with a vengeance, couldn’t stand the sight of my boss and my boss’s presence made me very uncomfortable. Despite this, and because of the incident at the beginning, I knew that my boss had feelings for me. I told my husband that my boss’s feelings were his problem, I said that I knew that my boss appreciated me and knew the way he thought and felt while my boss sat in his office. I said to my husband that I knew that my boss found me to be a sexually attractive woman. I said that I know that I am a beautiful attractive woman, if my boss wanted to sit and drool about me that was my boss’s problem. I said to my husband that this made me feel good. This gave me an ego boost and got my thrills from it. I said to my husband that because I knew how my boss felt for me I could do whatever I wanted and I controlled that office and was the boss. I also told my husband that when I said jump, my boss would. My husband asked me about the woman that worked there, did I not feel appreciated by them. I said no I did not feel the same about the woman because they were woman and my boss was a male.

My husband cannot understand that I was disgusted by my boss, disliked and hated the man and also feel all the above feelings.
My husband feels that this is a contradiction, there is more to the story and this does not add up cause one cannot feel anything from someone that one is disgusted by.

I am constantly asked about this and I always say the same thing to my husband because what I am saying to my husband is the truth. I become frustrated because I feel constantly accused and whenever my husband accuses me of anything that I know is untrue I go off the handle. I then scream on top of my voice at my husband out of frustration and anger, I use vulgar language not considering my children or the neighbors, I hurt myself and at that time I become violent, I take whatever I find , cords, knives to harm myself and also sometimes try to harm my husband and threaten him to stay away from me. Why do I feel I get into this state? I feel that the more I explain, the more I tell the truth, my husband does not believe me. I get frustrated, like I am being interrogated, pushed in a corner. I feel that my husband disbelieves anything I say and it frustrates me that if he disbelieves everything, thinks I am a liar, why then should he waste my time and his asking me for answers which he will disbelieve in anyway. The most frustrating thing about all this, is when I know I’m telling the truth and he is disbelieving me, I’m screaming and shouting and the damn man sits so calmly, I feel like I am a mad person. I feel that my husband is trying to push me over the edge. I feel like he is so convinced that I am all bad, he always points all my shortfalls and I feel like whatever I do is unimportant. My opinion is not important, my feelings too. I hate being accused wrongfully about anything and whenever my husband accuses me, he talks as though he is right about his accusations when I know he is not and I display terrible behaviour which makes me look guilty. I feel that my husband enjoys seeing me go crazy although he displays hurt about my behaviour. He is usually shocked at my behaviour. Please advise me whether I am a verbal abuser or what ????
1. Ask a Manager* Post authorOctober 9, 2011 at 3:33 pm
  
  I would strongly, strongly recommend that the two of you seek marriage counseling, and try to work toward a relationship built on trust and treating each other with kindness and respect (on both sides). What you’ve described here isn’t good for either of you, or for your children. Please talk to a therapist and seek some clarity on what’s going on between you! Good luck.

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