my friend wants to sell her product to my coworkers

by Alison Green on December 13, 2011

A reader writes:

I have an acquaintance who is a salesperson, who I have not heard from in years, who found out I have a new job. She is now calling me in order to find out the names of key contacts in my organization in order to try to sell her product to them. How can I respond to this? I am extremely uncomfortable with her trying to do this and don’t want to give out the names of people that I work with or report to. I also don’t want her to contact them and say I referred her to them. How can I respond without hurting her feelings?

Sometimes people agonize over how to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, when it’s the other person who’s set up an awkward, uncomfortable situation to begin with.

And guess who’s more concerned about awkwardness between the two of you? It’s not her. She popped up out of nowhere when she saw an opportunity to make money through your contacts. She’s not stressing over your feelings, believe me.

In any case, you’re going to have to just be straightforward. You can be polite about it, but you’re going to need to say no. And if her feelings are hurt by your polite refusal, that’s an unreasonable reaction that you’re not responsible for. But her feelings probably won’t be hurt; she’s a salesperson so she’s used to encountering “no.”

A few options:

* “No, I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable with that.”

* “No, I’m sorry, I can’t give out those names for the purpose of sales pitches.”

* “You can send me information and I can make it available to them, but they don’t want sales calls.”

I sometimes think that pushy people rely on the fact that you’ll be too polite to really resist. Don’t let her take advantage of your politeness to bulldoze over what you feel comfortable with. Just be direct and assert yourself. You can do that pleasantly and politely while still saying what you need to say.

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{ 43 comments }

{ 43 comments… read them below }

  1. Kelly O*

    I have to admit, I think I’d go with a simple “no, I can’t do that” – but that’s just me.

    “No” really is the hardest word to say sometimes, isn’t it?

  2. Eric*

    “I sometimes think that pushy people rely on the fact that you’ll be too polite to really resist. Don’t let her take advantage of your politeness to bulldoze over what you feel comfortable with. Just be direct and assert yourself. You can do that pleasantly and politely while still saying what you need to say.”

    Bingo. Quoted for emphasis.

  3. Joey*

    Why not ask the contacts if they want their info given out? Not all sales calls are bad. It depends what she’s selling. Maybe it’s a good product you company could use.

  4. KellyK*

    I agree that this is a reasonable thing to say “no” to. If you think the coworkers would be interested, sure, ask them if you can give your acquaintance their contact info, or just give them hers. But if they say “no” or you already know that that’s a likely answer so you don’t want to ask, I think it’s 100% reasonable to say “I’m sorry, that’s not information I can give out.” It’s nice that you’re worried about making things awkward between the two of you, but like Alison said, that thought clearly didn’t enter her mind, so there’s no need for you to lose any sleep over it.

  5. KayDay*

    I would let her know that you aren’t comfortable just giving out your colleagues info without their consent, but that you would be happy to pass along the seller’s business card and/or promotional materials. I, for one, would be really annoyed if I got a bunch of sales calls b/c a co-worker gave out my info, but I would not be upset if a co-worker passed along product info. This is, of course, assuming her product is “safe for work.”

  6. Laurie*

    “I sometimes think that pushy people rely on the fact that you’ll be too polite to really resist.”

    So true! This is what most of the multi-level marketing things rely on for their business model. I had a childhood best-friend that I grew up with but had lost contact with after school, suddenly contact me to “hang out” online. After an impromptu (!) chat session or two, he asked me what I did and mentioned that it’s so cool that I studied business because his friend had a business opportunity, and if I didn’t mind taking a look. They set up a webinar and everything, and all this while, I didn’t realize I was getting suckered into a presentation for one of the largest MLM organizations out there (I won’t name names, because that’s not the point of this rant). I had even heard this particular MLM’s presentation before, and never connected the dots because this was a childhood friend and I never thought he would “use” his connections so carelessly. I felt betrayed and angry, and did not hesitate to cut off all contact with this guy.

    Long story short – this person is still only an acquaintance and you should feel free to tell her to stop with the pushy behavior. I don’t think you have to worry about burning bridges here, especially if this person is such a leech already. In my experience, people that ask for favors so easily are never one to return them when it’s time for you to collect.

    1. JPT*

      YES, this is my pet peeved! I have pruned so many people from Facebook because of this type of thing. They’ll IM on Facebook on the pretense of wanting to catch up, and then you realize they’re copying and pasting prepared statements trying to sell you weight-loss chocolate. That is not an exaggeration.

      In this case if it’s not something related to your work, I would just say that the company doesn’t allow this sort of thing. If it is related to work, tell them you’ll consider it and look into the product, then never get back to them. Or better yet, give them the office main line or e-mail address for general questions and tell them that the receptionist/whoever will get their information to the appropriate people if it’s deemed worthy. Why treat them like a friend when they’re treating you like a marketing opportunity?

  7. Brian*

    I’ve always responded to anyone asking for contact information for colleagues the same way I would respond to any outside request for internal company information – “no”. Company contact lists should be treated the same way you would treat any internal document. Never share outside the company without a valid business reason.

  8. Wilton Businessman*

    I like the simple cop out: “Sure, email me the information and I’ll forward it on to the appropriate people”. Whether you do or not is up to you. If they follow up at another time, just tell them you passed the information along and I guess they weren’t interested.

  9. Phideaux*

    At my job, I’m pretty much the point person for taking calls from sales people asking for names within the company in order to make their pitch, so I’ve gotten pretty good at saying NO without worrying about bruising their feelings. I realize that they’re just doing their job by asking, and I’m doing my job by saying no, if need be.

    Where I have the problem is the internal people who have a little side business selling candles and cookware, or their kids are having a fundraiser jog-a-thon, or raising money for some cause or another. How do you tell these people no? I can’t really afford to buy/donate/contribute to all of them, yet I don’t want to hurt feelings or get into “you gave to Bob, but not to me?” situation.

    1. Rana*

      If it’s a regular thing, you might be best served by a blanket “I’m sorry, I don’t participate in fundraisers.”

      Now, if you end up being tempted by the Thin Mints and buying a box, that’s harder… though even so you can make it about the product (“I just love Thin Mints”) rather than the seller (or the sellers’ children).

      For the record, I hated participating in these things when I was a child, and I don’t like them any better now. I’d rather just pay higher taxes.

  10. Phideaux*

    At my job, I’m pretty much the point person for taking calls from sales people asking for names within the company in order to make their pitch, so I’ve gotten pretty good at saying NO without worrying about bruising their feelings. I realize that they’re just doing their job by asking, and I’m doing my job by saying no, if need be.

    Where I have the problem is the internal people who have a little side business selling candles and cookware, or their kids are having a fundraiser jog-a-thon, or raising money for some cause or another. How do you tell these people no? I can’t really afford to buy/donate/contribute to all of them, yet I don’t want to hurt feelings or get into “you gave to Bob, but not to me?” situation.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      For those situations, try saying, “I’m on a crazy budget right now” or “It’s a great cause but I’m putting all my charity dollars into X this year” or whatever.

    2. Anon*

      Either I am completely oblivious or just not too concerned – I buy or donate where I want to and don’t where I don’t. I’ve never had a coworker come back to me on it and say something like “I noticed you bought cookies from Jodi’s kids why aren’t you buying giftwrap from mine” or “I noticed you donated to the women’s shelter, why aren’t you donating to breast cancer”? Perhaps it speaks more to my coworkers or perhaps I’m open enough about not liking anyone to push me on these things that no one bothers me. Either way – win for me. :)

      Basically, I make no bones about the fact that *I* distribute my money how I see fit and whether I can afford something at any given time or not. Sometimes I give $2 to a group gift for a baby shower or $50 to a food bank or $20 to a group condolence – it just depends on where I’m at financially, how I feel about the cause and whether I like the person. The only people I would give to regardless of my personal financial situation (barring dire circumstances), are my closest friends and they wouldn’t ask in the first place if they knew I really couldn’t afford it. The pressure to give in that case would be all internal and based on my desire to help someone I care about. Even then, that would only apply to charities or school drives – not to subsidizing someone’s 2nd job.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I think it’s a combination of some workplaces being really high-pressure about this stuff (especially around things like United Way, where there are stories of managers really pushing people to donate so they can get a 100% participation rate) and some people just being less comfortable being direct when saying no.

        1. Anonymous*

          United Way was so horrible at my last workplace. Our boss wanted a 100% rate and even had a UW rep come in to try and guilt trip us. It was very high pressure. We had a coworker who was a devout catholic and would not donate because United Way helps fund Planned Parenthood and she was pressured so much that she was brought to tears. I think UW sometimes do good work but my opinion of them was shattered after that.

          1. Editor*

            The United Way groups I’ve participated in allow people to exclude certain agencies if they wish. So the donation can go to United Way, but if someone wanted to exclude Planned Parenthood or the Boy Scouts or a local charity they knew was poorly run, they could.

            On our forms, it isn’t obvious, but the back sheet of one of the layers has the space for putting in the exclusion(s).

            It is also possible to split a United Way donation between different United Way groups, at least where I live. I live in one United Way’s service area, the main office of my job is in another service area, and the branch office where I work is in a third United Way area. I split my donation between the agency where I live and the one where the branch office is, and I don’t think anyone at my office is even aware I’m doing that, even though the big push at the main office is for “their” United Way.

            1. Morag*

              In our area, we can even designate a non-United Way nonprofit to receive our United Way donation. My donation plus my employer’s match even minus an United Way administrative percentage is still much higher than my donation alone.

              An aside to employers – after some push back, my employer really eased off the drive for everyone to give – they’ve now had at least two record-breaking years with respect to total amount given.

              1. Anonymous*

                After working with a United Way funded group and becoming upset with the amount of waste and general corruption, I don’t think I would trust them to distribute my money in a way I designated. It pains me to acknowledge this. I just give directly to smaller local charities I support and who I know use the money well. Too many mixed feelings about united way…

    3. Josh S*

      I have a standard response that can be expanded if pressed:
      “I’m sorry, but I can’t give to you. My budget for giving/fundraising/whatever is limited.”

      If they ask why (or what I remind myself any time I see one of the million ‘good causes’ out there), I say: “There are a million different great causes out there, and a million people who honestly deserve to be funded. However, I only have limited funds. And while I’d really *really* love to be wealthy enough to give lots of money–or even any money–to each and every one of those causes, my money isn’t infinite. So, I have decided to pick a few charities/causes/whatever to support, and I am limiting my contributions to only those charities this year. I’ll definitely keep you in mind for next year, though.”

      That usually resonates, and shuts them up at the same time.

  11. JPT*

    This is a different situation, but in my position I was contacted by someone trying to sell us a service. I spoke with her on the phone and said if she wanted to pursue my organization’s participation she’d need to contact another person in a certain office who works with such things. She then contacted this person (who luckily is a friend of mine so I could explain easily) and said that I RECOMMENDED her service to the overall organization. It was not true; I had only said you cannot move forward without contacting this office. Obviously that wasn’t a friend, but I’m STILL angry about that and I often despise the way certain salespeople operate. If it’s a friend, even worse. You don’t take advantage of your friends to make money. It’s one thing to have them recommend a product because they like it.

    I have also had the opposite as this done to me–my sister mentioned to someone where she works that I work for a certain organization and manage social media. On the pretense of contacting me for marketing advice, she e-mailed me asking me to spam everyone I know on Facebook so she’d have access to our community.

    These are just things that make me grumble!

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Ugh, yes, that’s happened to me too! And with job applicants as well — i.e., having a job applicant tell someone that I “recommended that they’d be a great candidate” or something like that, when all I did was say that so-and-so was the person to contact. Really annoying.

      1. Anonymous*

        In similar situations, I always ask people to email me and tell them that I will pass along their info myself so that this doesn’t happen.

        1. JPT*

          The best part about my first example was that we both ignored her and were annoyed with her lying tactic, then she e-mailed us both on the same day following up with the same copied and pasted e-mail. So we sent back a nearly identical rejection after checking with out superiors to make sure we weren’t interested in the service. She also had said in her e-mail some other things that weren’t true, such as that many of our clients had signed up for the service, which we doubt had any truth to it. This is what you get for being too nice to people when they call you… now I don’t deal with people like that on the phone.

  12. EngineerGirl*

    May I reccomend “Boundaries” by Townsend and Cloud?

    It helped me get my perspective in the right place. Like Allison said, these people rely on the fact that you won’t assert yourself to get what they want. It is OK to say no to unreasonable requests.

  13. Anonymous*

    It happens all the time here – maybe it’s a Midwest thing? – so much so that our policy at work is to tell “prospective vendors” that we are only able to accept bids from unsolicited vendors once per year, in writing, in January. Sent to “Attn: Prospective Vendor Relations,” snail mail. More than 75% of prospective vendors then don’t bother. Some do! But yeah, whatever. We always set aside an hour or so in early February to read them and usually send them a form letter thanking them for their bid and informing them that we’re not in need of their services but please feel free to apply again next year. This goes for cold-call vendors as well as “friendors.”

    1. Natalie*

      I may need to lift this idea. Directly telling sales people that we are not taking bids right now seems to just encourage them to “follow up” (read: bother me again) in a month or two.

  14. JT*

    I just tell vendors the truth. For example, we have several good printers at a range of price ranges. Most of the time I say “We’re with our current vendors, so aren’t switching.” It doesn’t matter what they say, so I tell them that.

    And for services that another person in my office is responsible for, I just pass them over. And that person will say “no” or “yes, send me info.” We’re big boys and girls – there is no need to make up rules, create hoops to discourage vendors from contacting us. Buck up and just say no if that’s what you mean. And if they say “Oh, can I get back to you later?” I just say “No.” If they contact me again, I don’t let them speak and just say “I told you’re were not interested” or “Please don’t contact me again” and hang up.

    Be firm. Be honest. Be clear.

    This is to phone calls. Email, which might be massive bulk mailings, I don’t respond to. But if someone spends 30 seconds calling I can spend 10 seconds being clear. It’s more polite than bogus statements to put them off.

    1. KayDay*

      This works for legitimate/ethical vendors. But when you have unscrupulous sellers who won’t take “no” for an answer and keep calling no matter how many times you say no/hang up on them, you need to do something more creative.

      1. JT*

        I don’t agree. Just hang it up again. “Don’t call me again.” Click. Why waste time even being “creative”? Most importantly, always be honest.

        1. JPT*

          This won’t work in a position where your superiors expect you to be polite and professional to the general public. If you’re not high enough on the totem pole, you don’t have the right to make your organization look bad. You can still do it and likely there won’t be any backlash, but it may not be the type of behavior your company condones.

          1. JT*

            “This won’t work in a position where your superiors expect you to be polite and professional to the general public.”

            It’s not polite to make up a story about doing something that is bogus.

            Vendors who call repeatedly after being told, politely at first, not do so are not the public. Explain this to your manager.

            And if that doesn’t fly, just say, in a sweet voice, “As I mentioned the last time we spoke, we are not interested in your services. Please do not call us again.” Click.

  15. JT*

    “We always set aside an hour or so in early February to read them and usually send them a form letter thanking them for their bid and informing them that we’re not in need of their services but please feel free to apply again next year”

    Once a year? How about evaluating possible vendors when you might need them – that is not at all if you you’re not going to actually consider them, or any time when you actually might. That seems far more professional.

  16. Emily*

    Saying no won’t necessarily hurt her feelings. And if it does, who cares? She’s an acquaintance who came out of the woodwork to mine you for sales contacts. “No” is perfectly polite, so say it and rest easy.

  17. mishsmom*

    i’m with JPT and JT. i work in an environment where i’m supposed to be nice no matter what. it is just as easy to say “thanks but no thanks” in a nicer tone. polite but firm is still firm. it doesn’t have to be one or the other.

  18. Anonymous*

    “I sometimes think that pushy people rely on the fact that you’ll be too polite to really resist.”

    Meanwhile, some pushy people actually rely on you to say “no” if you don’t want to participate. They are askers, not guessers, and rather than agonize over what you will think, they figure they’ll ask and let you decide.

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