open thread – April 11, 2014

by Alison Green on April 11, 2014

goatIt’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on anything you want to talk about. If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet, but this is a chance to talk to other readers.

{ 1,146 comments }

{ 1,146 comments… read them below }

        1. NotMyRealName*

          I learned this spring that when goats give birth, it’s actually called “kidding.” Also, newborn baby fainting goats are probably one of the cutest things ever.

        1. Rebecca*

          You’re at a goat ranch?!?! I’m so jealous!

          This week at my local Whole Foods, they had a special event with a goat cheese creamery. (Belle Chevre, tasty stuff!) They led me to believe there would be a baby goat at the event, but sadly there was not. They said they tried to take her to events but people were rough with her and she got bad anxiety. :( Poor baby goat.

          1. Jessa*

            That is awful. I hate people who don’t get that animals can get nervous and get all crowded in and all.

      3. the gold digger*

        One of my favorite things about Spanish is that the word for baby goat is “cabrito,” which means “little goat,” and it’s used to refer to human kids! So in both languages, we have “little kids.”

        1. Joey*

          I’ve never heard anyone called cabrito. Maybe youre thinking of cabron which is male goat or asshole/mf’er (sort of like calling someone a jackass). Cabrito usually refers to a Latino dish made of baby goat.

          1. Anna*

            There are a LOT of countries that speak Spanish and they all have different uses of the same word. So for example in Spain they “coger” everything. Buses, bags, boxes, ideas, everything. However, in a particular South American county (it might be Argentina) the only thing you “coger” is something you have very strong physical feelings for. In Mexico, a woman can be called Concha but in Argentina only a certain part of her body would be called that. In other words, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that somewhere in a Spanish speaking country, children are called cabritos and jerks are still cabrones.

            1. Mints*

              I once heard a good spoken word / slam poetry something about “coger” (actually, how she likes the F word and nothing translates well to Spanish. “What? You want to grab me? That doesn’t sound sexy”)

              Anyway, one more data point, I hear cabrón to mean dude/man/bro/bruh/homie so it’s informal but not offensive. Cabrito would be “little man” or “little dude.”

              (I’m in California, so a mostly Mexican hispanic population, but I’m from a different county in Latin America)

              1. Joey*

                Mints, I wonder if you’re misinterpreting the meaning. In mex culture cabron can be a term of endearment but more like when you say to your buddy “hey, bitch/mf’er/shithead/sonofabitch.”

                1. Mints*

                  Hm, I know it can be used negatively, but I generally hear it more neutrally. Maybe a closer use is the N word within the black community. Language is tricky. (I’m more comfortable with loco, o mujer). Agree to disagree maybe

                2. TheSnarkyB*

                  Oh jeez. As a black person who is also fluent in Spanish, I can tell you this is not similar. Mints, you’re totally right, I’ve heard it that aay. Go with your intuition.
                  Joey, someone already pointed out above that Spanish is a SUPER diverse language with SO many usages and variations. I don’t think it’s really useful to debate it since no singular Spanish speaker is going to simply “be right.”

          3. the gold digger*

            Joey, I know the difference between the words cabron and cabrito. I lived in Spanish speaking countries for nine years. I took four years of Spanish in high school and 12 hours of upper-level Spanish in college. I use Spanish every day for my job. I speak Spanish. I know cabron vs cabrito. Please do not assume I am an idiot when I make a comment. Assume instead that you have a different experience from mine.

      4. Lamington*

        we were in a goat farm in december and the kid tried to eat my shorts, it succeeded with the paper bag i was carrying when i got distracted to pet him.

  2. CH*

    I like my work and my company. My work depends, not entirely but in large part, on 7 other people giving me their work to edit and/or proofread. The only problem is they don’t keep me nearly busy enough –my manager is aware of this and just tells me to look busy.
    I am proactive in finding “other” jobs to do that can make our department run more smoothly; I make it known to the admins that I’m willing to help them out in a crunch; I have become proficient in the software available to me by using it for volunteer projects. The work I do receives a lot of praise and is obviously always done by deadline; I just feel guilty spending time web surfing (except for reading AAM!) when I am at the office.
    My annual review is coming up and I’d like to find some way to bring up the fact that I have quite a bit of unused capacity. Since the outside training budget is tight, one thing I might suggest is that I develop a training session on proofreading. Or would you not rock the boat? As I said, my manager is aware that I’m not that busy.

    1. Celeste*

      Couldn’t hurt, might help! If nothing else it can go on your resume and maybe you can use the material elsewhere.

    2. NotMyRealName*

      This sounds like a great solution. My current position is somewhat similar. I’m not yet terribly busy, but my boss says that I’ll have more than enough work by fall. So right now I’m the go-to person for those pesky little things that need to get done.

    3. Bea W*

      I think it is worth asking. The worst anyone can say is “No, it’s not in the budget this year.”

      Are there other tasks people in your group do that you can take on or assist with? Is someone else in your group swamped while you look for things to do? Maybe you could help take some things off their plate so they can focus on their biggest priorities. Related to this, if there are other functions in your group you would be interested in learning about, maybe there is room for you to help out there.

      Maybe your boss knows of other people in other groups that need an extra hand and can “loan you out” when your own workload is light.

    4. Chriama*

      I recommend you propose some higher level projects that you can take on. If they succeed, you’re a superstar. If they don’t, it isn’t on anyone’s radar as a failure. Also, is it realistic to think you’ll stay employed at full capacity when they’re only using you for half capacity? Even if your manager is ok with it, if anyone starts talking budget cuts or layoffs you’re particularly vulnerable.
      Aside from a strategic project (which may be hard to identify or evaluate) are there any new skills you could develop on your own that would benefit the company? For example, I’m learning VBA so I can write my own macros.

    5. Jazzy Red*

      My last job was a lot like that. I tried to find another job, but because I was so close to retirement, I couldn’t get anything so I had to just stick it out.

      I like your idea of offering to train other people. If it flies, you’ll be much more fulfilled and able to wait until your regular job becomes busier. If it doesn’t, though, you might want to look for another job that would make you happier.

      After a while, not having enough work to do becomes incredibly stressful.

      1. Fish Microwaver*

        I don’t feel guilty if I have a bit of downtime at work where I can surf the net or do a bit of work related learning because like Elizabeth, I can become very busy, very quickly.

    7. Julie*

      My first corporate job was like this. I asked for more work more than once, and there just wasn’t any. This was back in the day, when Windows was new, and most people didn’t know how to use PowerPoint and Excel, so I used the down time to poke around in the software and learn it as much as I could. Now that one can access all kinds of training online, you might want to learn or increase your knowledge of an application that will be useful to your long term goals. My company pays for a lynda.com subscription for me, but it’s not very expensive, even if you had to pay for it yourself. I like the videos they put out, but there are also a lot of other training videos available online.

  3. Ayeaye*

    Hiya!

    I am in a quandary. At the moment there is a lot going on.

    My Masters dissertation is due 30th April.
    My partner’s mother has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has been given weeks to months to live. This is obviously taking a significant toll on my partner and his family, and his Mum seems to be getting poorly now. As a result we’ve decided to move our wedding plans to next month rather than next year (we were only have a little thing abroad anyway, so now it’s just a little thing at home). I volunteered to help start a committee two months ago and things are just getting rolling with that now and it’s starting to take up time. I also work full time in a job I’m happy at mostly, but I do want to advance at some point in the near future if possible and the option isn’t feasible here. Also, office politics. A job has just come up in a nearby city which would be a one hour commute, but offers a great opportunity career-wise. The interview date is 5 days before we get married. I’m not even sure I’ll get an interview as it’s a heavily competitive field. Would you apply, and risk being an hour away should anything happen with my mother-in-law if the job was offered? It’s also risking moving to a less compassionate workplace that may not be so understanding of the circumstances. My current workplace also paid for my Masters, so I’d have to pay back a percentage of those fees, probably around £1000, which I currently don’t have. I also love my manager and we get along great and she has given me so many opportunities. If she could give me more hours in the role I want I know she would.

    My inclination is to not apply, leave the stress of job hunting for a while (I’ve already not applied for 3 other openings in this area, and they don’t actually come up that often!) and perhaps lose opportunities but still making a conscious effort to improve my CV for when the time comes (I’m doing a teaching course in September, will have more experience on the committee and all the skills that brings, I’m going to spend the summer designing an online resource) or do you think these things always happen and so I need to just go for it while I can? In the last five years I’ve lost two members of my immediate family unexpectedly and it’s changed my view of ‘wait and see’ as actually, everything can just fall apart at the drop of a hat so you may as well try and do everything you want to whilst you have a chance. But I’m not sure I want to – I think I’d rather be closer to my partner whilst he’s going through this in case anything happens during the day, as it’s also made me realise it’s people that you love who are important, not any of the other stuff. But then it’s the difference between a 20 minute walk and a 60 minute drive. As you can see I am going in circles! Thoughts?

    1. Harriet*

      Personally, I would not apply for the job. Maybe it would be better than where you are now but unless it’s truly a once in a lifetime opportunity (which very few are) I would not put myself through the financial strain, the stress and then the massive additional stress everyday of the long commute.

      1. Ayeaye*

        Thanks for this. It would actually mean a significantly improved financial situation to be honest, but you’re right in that it’s not a once in a lifetime opportunity and perhaps not the best timing. Good food for thought.

    2. Bryan*

      I don’t think the question is should you apply but if you got an offer should you accept. It’s not guaranteed you’d get an interview or an offer. I think you should apply and weigh your options down the road if it comes to that. Right now you’re kind of worked up about a hypothetical.

      2. Catherine in Canada*

        Yes, loved ones dropping dead on you does tend to focus the mind, doesn’t it? I’d suggest that rather than “you may as well try and do everything you want to whilst you have a chance”, try thinking of “what would I regret the most NOT doing?”

        And, if you can, drop the volunteer position. You’ve got more than enough going on, they should understand.

        Good luck.

        1. Ayeaye*

          Good perspective, thank you. I’ll have to think that over.

          There isn’t really a reasonable way I could drop the volunteer position at the moment without making a very bad impression on several very influential people in my industry, despite the circumstances, so unless things get significantly more stressful I think I’ll just have to balance it. Fortunately it’s not especially stressful so quite a good way to spend time as a de-stressing activity.

          1. Chinook*

            I think there is one way to dial back the volunteer position – if you mention that you need to spend time with your family because someone has been given a short time to live. You don’t have to say “I quit” but you can ask if you there is anything you can pass on to someone else for the short term. You may be surprised by their answer.

            The reality is, many people want to help someone gong through an unexpected rough time but don’t know how. By asking directly for help and being willing to not drop out of sight completely, you may have people offering to lighten your load in ways you never imagined.

            And, what is the worse that could happen – they are going to think less of you because you put family before career commitments? Is that somethign you could live with? I know I could.

          1. Aunt Vixen*

            Further endorsement of this. I’ve tended to phrase it as “What choice will I wish I had made”, but the idea is the same.

      3. Ayeaye*

        Yes, that’s a very good point. I think part of it is that the application form is quite a task in itself but you’re right in that I’m talking myself in to issues. I suppose application form practice is always handy.

    3. Alex*

      Apply! You never know what will happen.

      Our competition remain active for 2 years after closing so that we can go back and look at the resume again and find an other candidate.
      Also, you never know! Maybe they do have the interviews planed for a certain date but someone might get sick or things at work happen! So the date moves.

      Basically, you never know! Apply!

      1. PenguinCat*

        ^^this^^
        At a time when someone is in the final stages of a terminal illness, you are contemplating:
        marriage (and in a condensed amount of time)
        job change
        dramatically altered commute time
        dissertation presentation
        writing an online course
        Any one of these would be stressful enough by itself. Together, I think they amount to a burden so intolerable you are virtually guaranteeing to set yourself up for failure on many, many fronts.
        To me, this should be a time you are jettisoning commitments, not adding to them!

      2. abby*

        I agree. I went through significant turmoil last summer, though not nearly as bad as yours. The stress of everything just about pushed me over the edge. In the end, I let a good job opportunity go. Sometimes I wonder “what if?” But I am confident I will find other opportunities.

    5. Sue Wilson*

      You’re not obligated to go to the interview if you get it. You’re right that you might regret not being close to your partner at this time. However, even in dire health situations , you never know what might happen. The doctors were ready to put my grandfather into hospice a couple weeks ago. However, now they’re still trying to treat him.

      So fill out the application because you don’t really know what the state of everything will be when you get to your wedding. But remember, even if you get an interview, you don’t have to take it. You can politely decline, and at least you’ll do so with more immediate information.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Am agreeing with the others, who say pass on the job.

      My rationale is that some things in life only happen once and never again. A parent’s passing. A marriage to one particular person. There is no re-do button for these things. Stop and give these life events the respect/attention that they deserve. You will never regret that. In all likelihood, once you are back on track you will find opportunities that you are over-the-moon happy about.

      It’s better to do a few things well, than to do many things on the fly and possibly half-baked.

  4. Sunflower*

    Any Graphic design people out there? How do you like the work?

    Also I discovered today I really should have some more graphic design experience. Any programs you know that are good to learn(preferably free) or books/tutorials on how to teach yourself some basics?

    1. esra*

      I’m a graphic designer and illustrator and love it. All the art, none of the starving.

      As for programs/tutorials, what kind of design are you wanting to do? Logos/branding? Environmental? Print? Web?

      1. Sunflower*

        I work in marketing now so it will probably be mostly web and some logos.

        Today I had to take take an image (think pepsi logo) and change the colors. I had to use paint since I have no design programs and between changing the pixel colors it took about 2 hours so I feel like there has to be some easier ways!

        Also do you have any recommendations for breaking into the field?

        1. Jillociraptor*

          GIMP! It has a lot of the same basic functionalities as Photoshop, and it’s free. WAY more functionality than Paint (though I do love me some Paint) and you can get used to some of the concepts you’d use in Photoshop and more complicated, specialized software. I can think of a few different ways to transform colors like you describe that would take more like 5-10 minutes.

        2. KerryOwl*

          Paint!? At the very least you should download Gimp, it’s free. And I’m pretty sure it does a lot more than Paint — though to be honest, I probably haven’t opened Paint in years and years.

        3. esra*

          Paint?? Yikes. Are you freelancing/contracting? I’m surprised your employer doesn’t have the Adobe Suite licensed. If you’re working web/brand, you’re going to have to be very familiar with Adobe Photoshop and Illustrator. InDesign will come in handy too, as will After Effects. With the new(ish) creative cloud service, it’s way more affordable than it used to be. I’d suggest at least checking out the CC free trial.

          The nice thing about graphic design is your portfolio can compensate for a lack of experience/formal education. Do you have a degree in marketing?

          1. Sunflower*

            We have a graphic/web designer in my office who has a MAC and I assume some programs on there. I was actually just doing the color change as a project for my sister’s wedding and I realized that I really have no idea how to do any of this stuff!

            My degree is actually in hospitality management. I mostly do copywriting in my job but am job searching and thought by adding some graphic design skills, I could broaden my search to some other positions. I’ll definitely check out these suggestions though

    2. thenoiseinspace*

      I don’t know about programs or the kind of design you want to get into, but if you’re looking to explore the design world and its trends, Minted (particularly its Pinterest, with many design-centric boards, and its blog, Julep) is awesome and really on-point.

      Also CreativeMarket (fonts, website themes, graphics, etc) and StarSunFlower (blogspot – they do an awesome weekly roundup of free design things, like fonts and backgrounds for websites or digital scrapbooks) are my go-to sites for design news. Colourlovers can also be really useful – they’ve got a blog and weekly emails with updates on current design trends.

    3. Lizabeth*

      Adobe Creative Suite is pretty much the standard software (InDesign, Illustrator and Photoshop) with the occasional Quark for page layout.
      Peachpit Press Visual Quick Start Books are my go to for reference etc on the different programs. When computers were coming into the graphic design field I also went and took night classes at the local community college in all of them except InDesign (pick that up on the fly at work)

      Check out CreativePro.com – lots of stuff to browse through.

      Also, take a real graphic/advertising design class – not just the software. All the software in the world will not help if you don’t know how to make things look great to begin with.

    4. Anonsie*

      I know a number of people who swear by Lynda.com for new software, but personally I can’t watch tutorial videos and focus well. If videos work for you, you could check it out.

  5. Random Reader*

    I was recently at an Excel seminar and the presenter made a big deal about MOS certification. Does anyone have experience with this? Is it a good investment?

    2. chmur*

      I have my MOS in Excel and Word. Usually when I mention it, people are surprised that you can be certified.

      I personally feel that the exam was not in depth enough for an advanced user on the Excel side. I honestly don’t remember much about the Word exam.

      IIRC, there weren’t any questions on complicated formulas (VLOOKUP for example), PivotTables or VBA. There were questions on things like how to save a file securely and some of the collaboration features that I don’t think are used very often.

      Just my two cents, I think you’re better demonstrating your expertise by showing your achievements/projects with Excel on your resume. If you can answer in depth questions in an interview, I think you should be okay.

    3. Bea W*

      Many years ago I had MOS certification available from my employer. They offered it as part of the training courses at no extra charge to us. The classes were actually really useful, but the certification itself, I don’t think I have ever used it for anything.

    4. Mike C.*

      These sound a whole lot like those A+ certifications that were popular a while back. They usually covered stuff you could learn on the job, and didn’t cover a whole lot you needed on the job if I remember correctly.

      1. De Minimis*

        Blew quite a bit of time and money on one of those training courses back then….and didn’t even end up with the certification!

  6. Anon*

    I have a question about a management situation that seems appropriate but feels … icky. I recently started managing an employee who has a 10+ year history in the organization of being “difficult” to work with. From what I understand, this has largely manifested itself in behaviors that are difficult to quantify (e.g., not being proactive in overcoming roadblocks, making “uncollegial” or disrespectful comments, etc.). I’ve built a good relationship with her, and although I can see how these issues may come up with others, I suspect that a lot of this criticism comes from personality conflicts where both parties have some responsibility.

    The thing is, I’m getting pressure to keep an eye out for more easily fireable offenses, like look for time sheet inconsistencies by tracking them against her computer log-ins. I’m usually pretty good at understanding office dynamics, but it’s not clear to me what the expectation is here. Should I work to coach her on her interpersonal skills, or is it too late for that given her history with the organization? It feels dishonest to be actively searching for reasons to fire someone unrelated to the actual issue at hand (interpersonal skills).

    For context, her work product is generally timely and good quality, and she has several chronic health issues that have historically resulted in some antagonism between her and HR around reasonable accommodations and appropriate use of short-term disability. This isn’t really a current issue, but I know she’s maintained her own documentation (which leads me to believe that she’s more likely to get litigious than the average employee).

    1. H. Rawr*

      I’d ask that question frankly of whomever is asking you to keep your eye on every little thing. Let them know you think she is not a lost cause and you’d like to continue working with her, but you want to ensure you’re all on the same page.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I would too. Have they gone through standard performance-issue procedures with her? Discussions, warnings, PIP-type stuff? If not, I can see why you feel uneasy about collecting ammo against her.

    2. Mike C.*

      I think the thing you need to do (or keep doing) is set clear, measurable expectations.

      So when you say she wasn’t being proactive, what do you mean by that? What did she not do that she should have? When it comes to comments about other coworkers, that one is easier – rude statements about other coworkers aren’t to be tolerated.

      That way if you do need to fire her, you’re firing her for good reasons, not because you suddenly decided to enforce rules on her that you wouldn’t enforce on others.

    3. Bea W*

      Geez you probably have better things to do with your time and tracking time sheets against computer log-ins. Obviously someone has a personal interest in firing her. If you can avoid it don’t get dragged into the middle of someone’s personal agenda. That agenda may or may not be related to her interpersonal skills. It could be just that someone doesn’t like her, and no amount of couching her will change that.

      I’d continue to work with her both for her benefit and the benefit of others who aren’t bent on getting her fired, since there’s nothing that will likely change the mind(s) of anyone who would go so far as to ask you to manufacture reasons to fire her. Personally,I wouldn’t want any involvement in that kind of underhanded witch hunt when the employee is otherwise dependable, doing good work, and is just considered “difficult”. “Difficult” can mean a lot of things. It could be a lack of interpersonal skills or inappropriate behavior and demands, or it could be purely a personal conflict, or an employee who is actually very good at her job and trying to do it right. There are some positions where doing your job correctly means you might ruffle feathers. This is actually true of my own field. It wouldn’t be weird for someone to complain that all we do is “find problems”, because a large part of our job is just that, finding problems and fixing them. It’s annoying as heck to people who don’t understand our role.

      Is your own manager asking you to do these things? Where is the pressure coming from.

    4. Rebecca*

      It sounds like HR wants to get rid of her before she costs them too much money in short term disability costs or they have to spend money on accommodations, and they’re looking for an excuse. That’s sad.

    5. Chinook*

      I have a question about the time sheets vs. computer log ins – do TPTB realize that it is a) impossible for them to line up because they do have to pay you the time to boot up the system before you log in and b) does she have work she can do without being logged in. For b), I know there are days where I log in a half hour later than usual even though I showed up at the same time because I printed stuff off that I sent as a secure job to the printer the night before (I wanted to wait to print off the 50 invoices until there were fewer people sending jobs) or got caught chatting with someone about an issue.

    6. SCW*

      This can be really tricky, because you are her manager and know her work the best, but sometimes when someone higher up wants a certain direction it can hurt you if you push back. I used to work in an organization where after evaluations were done by the manager the director would go over them and adjust them based on how she felt people had done comparatively. They never wanted anyone to get too positive of an evaluation, but once they really came down on a manager and wanted him to give a below standard evaluation for an employee they wanted to leave. He resisted strongly and he ended up leaving followed shortly by the employee they wanted out.

      I no longer work there, but have gained a good appreciation for the balance of the manager who works with the person and the admin. Sometimes admin can have a good view of an employee who is hard to work and manage, so when you try to do a PIP they push back, other times an employee who you view as good and worth saving can be seen as someone they don’t want to invest a lot of time with.

      Personally tracking log ins and punch ins is only appropriate if you have a history of issues with this. It doesn’t sound like you think this is a big issue, but clearly you all need to get on board with what your boss thinks is important.

      1. Bea W*

        This sounds like the BS that went on with my last employer. The manager would write the review, and the grandboss would “adjust” them to her liking. Generally this “adjusting” resulted in poor reviews for people she personally disliked and had targeted for bullying. It was well known throughtout the dept and others places in the company that she did this. HR even seemed to be aware or at least familiar that it was her writing these reviews rather than the employee’s manager. HR looked over my review when this happened to me and said it really wasn’t that bad. They’d seen worse. That was probably the least comforting thing they could have said. My immediate thought was “She writes reviews WORSE than this?!” My own manager was only interested in keeping her own job and not rocking the boat, so the person who should have had my back didn’t. it was an atmosphere for managers where it was “throw under the bus or be thrown”. Actually that philosophy went beyond her dept.

        Most of the managers end up leaving the company after a year or 2 of torture. 2 is generally stretching it. I recall one transfering to another dept after a matter of months. Even when she isn’t intimidating people to do her bidding, she’s just mentally and emotionally beating them to a pulp by reminding them of all the ways they suck.

    7. Anon*

      Thanks for all the great advice – there are a few different ways to proceed suggested here, but I’m definitely going to do two things immediately:

      1) clarify the goals of my “pressure cookers” and try to get them to spell out what the history is

      2) continue to perform standard due diligence management – correcting issues when they come to my attention, but also be a little bit more present to make sure I’m not missing bad behavior

      1. Not So NewReader*

        There is a honeymoon period with a new boss. I had an individual that everyone told me was horrendous. I could not catch the individual doing anything out of order. As time marched on, and familiarity crept in, I found the individual was ten times worse than what they were telling me. It took about a year to a year and a half for me to finally catch the individual in the acts.
        See, the problem is that bad workers can be good for a short run. But they cannot sustain it over the long haul. It could be that over time this will become more apparent to you.

  7. Unknown*

    Question Re: Seasonal work on Resume:

    -If I’m still “on the books” (i.e, still on email lists for possible work in the summer) for a Summer job, but haven’t worked since last August do I still put “Beginning Date – Present” or “Beginning date – Aug. 2013”? Thanks!

    Anyway, great blog and great insight by the readers on here! I really find it fascinating.

    1. Ash (the other one!)*

      Only record when you actually worked. So if you start up you would do date – Aug 2013, new date – present.

    2. Midge*

      I have several years of seasonal work on my resume, and I usually put “Summers 2005-2010” or “June-August 2011-2012”. And if I find out during the year that I’ll be doing that seasonal work again, I’ll go ahead and add ahead of time. This way I’m giving an accurate picture of how long I’ve spent on this work in the past, and any conflicts I know are coming up in the future.

      1. Unknown*

        Thanks to both answers. I’ve usually done present, but obviously since it’s a secondary gig, I may/may not do it this year (almost feels like I’m Brett Favre to come back or not :) ).

        I know on the job title I do explicitly state it’s “Seasonal Position X”. to indicate it’s a seasonal job.

  8. Audiophile*

    Woo open thread! Have an after work interview scheduled for today. First time in a long time I was able to make things align.

    I’m debating for going the suit jacket, but not sure of that would be too casual.

    3. Laufey*

      The nice thing about suit jackets is that they can always be taken off, or unbuttoned, or fully buttoned, with all levels of casualness. Unless I was familiar with the culture where I was interviewing, I would wear one, knowing that I could always unbutton or loosen up as needed. If you don’t have it at all and it turns out to be crazy formal, you’re up the creek without a jacket.

      1. Audiophile*

        Yeah that’s true.
        Last time I left my jacket behind in a cab, but the office seemed casual.

  9. Anlyn*

    For folks who read Carolyn Hax on Washington Post–has anyone been having issues with their 20-article limit? I don’t pay, and I’m fine with staying in that limit, but lately it hasn’t even been giving me that. The only thing I ever read is Carolyn Hax, so I should be able to get at least 20 days worth.

    In late March, it told me I had no more free articles. Okay, that’s fine. So I start up again last week, to be notified that I only have three days left! This isn’t the first time that’s happened.

    I’ve tried going elsewhere, but I haven’t found one that has her articles both up-to-date and complete (an Idaho syndicate has them up-to-date, but leaves out questions).

    3. Elizabeth*

      I read it from her FaceBook page, and I never hit the article limits. I only run into that if I look it up (like on a Google search) and hit from there.

      2. Mephyle*

        Yes, another reader through Facebook. If you go to the article through the link on the Facebook post, it doesn’t count towards your limit.

    4. giggleloop*

      Your local library might have an online database that would give you the articles. Some even have images of the newspaper so it would surely be complete.

    5. Brett*

      Washington Post tracks your reading by cookies. So you will have different limits on different machines.

      2. Headachey*

        Also in different browsers – so while I use one browser as my default, I have another browser set up to delete cookies/history on closing, which I use for reading sites that track & limit by cookies, like WaPo, NYTimes, my local paper, etc.

    6. Barbara in Swampeast*

      I don’t know about the article limit. I have her Washington Post RSS feed on Firefox and have no trouble reading the daily question and when I have the time, I can read the logs from her chats with no problems.

      Do you sign in and that is how they are counting the articles? If you don’t sign in then they are probably using cookies and all you have to do is delete your cookies (or at least the WP cookies) every so often.

    7. LCL*

      The way I read Carolyn Hax every Friday is,
      I do a google search on Carolyn Hax, then click on the result. I don’t know if this will work around the limit or not.

      1. businesslady*

        that’s often a good way to get around the paywalls for other sites too (NYT, etc.).

        I sometimes get yelled at by WaPo re: my Hax addiction, but sometimes not–I’m not sure what the difference is, but the folks saying cookie-deletion should help are probably right.

    8. Robin*

      I’ve got the WashPost app on my phone, which doesn’t have as many articles as the whole site, but any articles I go to there don’t count against my limit. Carolyn Hax is in the Lifestyle section.

    9. mm*

      I get that “you’ve met your limit” message all the time. I delete the Washington Post cookies and that takes care of it.

      1. Annie O*

        +1

        Anlyn, I also have a suspicion that navigating around the site can add to the count unnecessarily. So it may be counting page views, instead of true article views.

        1. Anlyn*

          That’s what I’m suspecting. I click on Carolyn’s link through google, then on the question itself. When I go back, I sometimes have to click twice…it doesn’t always take me immediately back to the main list.

    10. snowglobe*

      Using Chrome, I can view the articles using incognito browsing, and there is no limit. But you can’t post comments.

      1. Annie O*

        Really? I’m totally going to try this. Previously I just deleted cookies when I hit the limit.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          There’s also an EditThisCookie extension for Chrome that will delete all cookies for the site you’re on, or even make individual cookies read-only or block them.

    12. IndieGir*

      Two pieces of advice — first, clear your individual cookies. If you let me know your browser, I can tell you how to do that. Second, when you click on the link for an article with your right-mouse button, some browsers (chrome and firefox come to mind) give you the option to pick “Open in new private window” which will render you invisible to the WaPo.

        1. IndieGir*

          Go to Tools => Options and then click on Privacy. Under privacy, you’ll see “remove individual cookies” in blue text. This is the best way to go, b/c otherwise you’ll wipe out all cookies, even those you want (like saved passwords). Click on “remove individual cookies” and type “wash” in the search box. Then, highlight all the cookies that appear in the results and click Remove Individual Cookies.

          And, going forward, when you want to read something on the WaPo, just use the right mouse button and open in New Private Window. The Private Window won’t create new cookies for you to remove later.

      1. Anlyn*

        Heh, same here. I also always seem to wipe out my remembered passwords, though I’m sure that’s because of IUS (Idiot User Syndrome). ;)

    15. Tmarie*

      I follow Carolyn Hax on Facebook, and never have the Washington Post article limit happen.

  10. Katie the Fed*

    Broader philosophical question(s):

    How do you know when it’s time to leave your job/industry? I realize work isn’t always going to be personally and professionally fulfilling, but let’s say you only ever feel good about going to work maybe 10% of the time, and the rest of the time you’re just miserable. My specific job is ok – but I don’t want to move up, and I don’t really want to work for my employer anymore. I’m constantly frustrated and disheartened by senior management and their terrible policies and communication.

    When is it time to throw in towel and say it’s not working? Should I just suck it up and recognize that I have a good-enough, stable job that pays well and has decent benefits, and that I probably won’t really be happy/fulfilled anywhere?

    1. Holly*

      I’m not sure about your specific situation and feelings. I know it’s time for me to move on when I’m actively looking for any way possible to be out of the office – exploiting flex-time, PTO and the like, because I just need to get the heck out.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        It’s like this: I like my job. I like my coworkers. I like my immediate workgroup and the people who work for me. All those things are good.

        Everything else is terrible. If I move up ever, I’ll be confronted more and more with the lack of leadership and vision above, and reorgs, and just general stupidity. Morale is so very bad everywhere.

        1. BausLady*

          It kind of sounds like it’s time to move on. If you’re getting to the point where you’re thinking you’d like to move up, but you can’t possibly imagine moving up where you are, then I think you should start looking elsewhere.

          And think of it as a little bit of a luxury at this point: You’re happy where you are currently, so you don’t have to do a panicked search. You can start a search, take your time, and be choosy.

          1. Katie the Fed*

            This is a good point. I have a job that’s good enough – I like what I do, just not where I do it. I can certainly hang on long enough to find something that’s a good fit.

            Thanks!

        2. Bea W*

          Sometimes moving on to another employer makes all the difference. My last one was miserable to the point where I questioned if I even wanted to do this work anymore. I am still doing the same work, but with another employer, and I found that it wasn’t the career or the field, just the job itself literally. I am back to loving what I do.

          1. De Minimis*

            Is it a case where going to another agency might help?

            Although from what I can tell, some of the problems as far as senior leadership and communication exist at every agency. But some seem to have better morale than others.

          2. Katie the Fed*

            That would be a great situation. It’s hard to know of how much that bothers me is just part of work, part of government, or particular to my agency.

            @De Minimis – I’m considering that too.

      2. Rebecca*

        I’ve come to the conclusion the only thing I like about my job is the free coffee and paid time off. I get 20 vacation/PTO days per year, plus 11 paid holidays. So, basically, I don’t have to be here for 6/52 weeks per year. Woot!

    2. Celeste*

      It sounds like you know.

      It’s past time for me, but I can’t figure out where to go and not have to settle for less $ and bennies than I have.

      So now I’m trying to stay Zen about being in a grudge match.

      3. Katie the Fed*

        True. I’ll think of it like online dating. It never hurts to look (and that’s incidentally how I met my fiance).

    3. Joey*

      Its time to throw in the towel when you have a better option- that is don’t throw in the towel until you have an offer on the table that looks better. If you’re asking if you should look, absolutely. In the meantime make the best of it.

    4. LMW*

      I think when you are feeling that way, it’s time to start looking. You don’t actually have to take a job just because it’s offered, either. In the past, I’ve found that just the act of actively looking and thinking about how my experience might fit a potential new role makes me feel more optimistic.
      I felt the way you feel…about a job I loved. And I resisted moving on for a long time because I loved the work itself, even though the management and policies and politics were driving me batty. I can’t imagine putting up with that with out the love. When I finally did move on, I was surprised by how happy I was. I don’t like the work quite as much as my old job, but I do enjoy it and up till recently (which I’m going to post about below), the environment was so, so much better.

      1. Jazzy Red*

        “You don’t actually have to take a job just because it’s offered…”

        Exactly! Looking around and interviewing are not commitments. A lot of people say that everyone should send out feelers every couple of years, just to see what’s out there.

        You owe it to yourself.

      2. Katie the Fed*

        This is a good point – thank you LMW and Jazzy Red. It doesn’t hurt to look. Worst case is I find something better.

    5. Colette*

      It may be a trade off – benefits & stability vs. a more fulfilling job – but it’s also possible you could find both.

      It sounds like you need to be looking, though. Even if senior management is frustrating, is there a place you could go where you’d be out of their sphere, or where you’d be better insulated from it?

      1. De Minimis*

        That’s often what people do at my agency, but ours is one where you have a lot of “field units” where people can work and not have to deal as much with senior management.

      2. Katie the Fed*

        It only ever gets better for a year or two. You’ll go on a rotation or somewhere else, but eventually the mothership calls you home.

    6. Anon for this*

      I was in your shoes late last year. Company was horribly mismanaged, my great boss was retiring, and I was burning out on the field (compassion fatigue is real). I had risen as far as I wanted to, and actually as far as was even possible. Despite all this, the decision to leave was very difficult to make, as it as one of the best jobs I have ever had in terms of feeling like I was ‘making a difference’ in others’ lives.

      The beauty of your situation is that you have a job. So you have the luxury (in my opinion) of being able to look, be picky, and still receive a paycheck.

      I have a new job now, thanks to AAM! And I love it. It’s a learning curve, but most of the complaints I had about my old job simply could not happen here. Of course, I don’t love every minute. There are some negatives, as you would expect, but I really think 90% is too large a percentage of work unhappiness to continue in your current track.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        It’s good to know people get through this and find something better. Fingers crossed!

    7. Collarbone High*

      I just went through this exact process (including the “I might not be happy/fulfilled anywhere” part) and decided to pursue another job. (It worked! I’m starting the new job next month.)

      The major deciding factor, for me, was analyzing the specific things I didn’t like about current job, and realizing that those are all institutional problems. They’re unlikely to be resolved for years, possibly decades, because they originate in leadership and have spread through the huge organization like a cancer. I’d say at least 200 top execs would have to leave, and be replaced by people who were willing and capable to institute a 180-degree culture change, to turn things around. That is not going to happen, so I was never not going to be frustrated and unhappy with the job.

      It sounds like you’re in the same place.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Yes! That is exactly it! We would need to pretty much overhaul all of the senior leadership (and much of Congress – ha!), and it’s just not going to happen. This is a very good way of looking at it.

    8. Malissa*

      I left the very situation you are talking about. Seven blissful years in government and all of its stability. I may regret taking my current job, but I don’t regret shaking things up and leaving.
      First thing to do is to really think about where you want to go. Where do you want your career to be in 5 years? Do you have everything now to get there?
      When I hit this feeling I went to grad school because I needed it for my next step. I got fully prepared for the next step before I took it. It’s really nice to have this luxury.
      If you are really not sure you want to leave, can you look for growth in a professional association? This is a great way to take on extra stuff that might actually make your career better.

      My last thought on this, it never hurts to look or apply. :)

      1. Ali*

        For me, when I decided to move away from sports, I saw some of the signs and once I accepted them, it made the decision easier:

        1) Pretty much every job I apply for draws tons of applicants, and you either have to be well-networked to get them or have a ton of internship/otherwise free experience. I even heard of a company that does only a “friends and family search” because there’s no way they have time to read so many resumes so they’ll just go with someone who knows someone. I don’t have tons of awesome connections, so this isn’t really an option.

        2) I apparently wasn’t qualified enough for a full-time job in sports, but I was somehow qualified to intern and/or work for free. Not getting any calls about permanent jobs was frustrating, and I am no longer at a point in my life where I can quit my current full-time with benefits job for an internship or find the energy to work basically two demanding jobs.

        3) I do some writing for free for a website and I am still not being paid two years later. The only people who get money are the people who get traffic bonuses, which requires relentless marketing and focus on “building a brand” that I have no interest in or personality for. I find that I no longer agree with my colleagues who are “just happy to be there” or don’t care if they never make money because they love the sport we cover so much or just love to write. If I’m going to write, I want compensation. Period.

        So with that said, I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I am job searching, either for a paid media job where I can use my writing skills, or a different field altogether. But I know changing careers is a struggle in this economy when employers have their choice of tons of experienced people.

        Anyway, I’d say it’s time to leave when you’ve lost interest in the work you’re doing or wear out on some other aspect of the job. For me, it’s the untraditional hours and feeling like I can’t have a life outside of work, as well as the intense competition for any available jobs.

      2. Katie the Fed*

        What I know for sure in the 5 year outlook is that I don’t want to move any higher in my organization. It only seems to get worse the higher up you go. At that point you’re either tilting at windmills or becoming part of the problem. So…yeah I think it’s time to go. There are some professional organizations I can get more involved in too.

  11. Holly*

    Our trainer and I just got pulled aside by HR and told that we talk too loudly to each other – specifically, I was told that my voice projects and that that “sometimes isn’t a good thing.” We work in an open-area office and it’s not uncommon for a) it to get so loud that I can’t hear a person on the phone and b) some of our contractors to start screaming – yes, screaming, like they’re turning into the Hulk – at other employees, without visible recourse. But, you know, projection.

    I’m a little fed up of this place. Our trainer, bless his heart, is a newer employee and he sounds demoralized and pretty tired of the place already. “They’ve got everything on lockdown around here, don’t they?” Sigh. I’ve discovered where happiness goes to die, folks. /rant

      1. Holly*

        My direct manager is out of the office indefinitely because his father’s dying. My replacement manager apparently wasn’t bothered by it, because I haven’t heard squat from him.

        1. LBK*

          So was it a random person who said something to you and they happened to work in HR, or was this an official HR sitdown? Because that is an incredibly bizarre thing to be handled by HR, assuming that it even needed to be “handled” at all, which it doesn’t sound like it did. If someone had an issue at that moment they should’ve just said “Hey, I’m on a call and I’m having trouble hearing the client, would you mind keeping your voice down?”

          I’d chalk it up to a weird incident and move on.

          1. Holly*

            Official HR sitdown with both of us. The sort of ironic thing is that our entire space was completely empty except for the IT Director nearby, who was talking with us. I have no idea who we were interrupting – but if they had come by to ask us to lower our voices or whatnot, we’d obviously do so. As I sit right now, I hear three different conversations going from far parts of the office…

            Yeah, I should. It’s just one of many things this company has done to hurt employee morale (nickel and diming PTO, threatening to fire someone for not sending a thank you card upon getting a bonus on the same day they found out, etc.)

            1. Mike C.*

              WHAT THE HELL?!

              A bonus is extra pay for good work at the individual or collective level. It’s not some “gift” that is handed out just because the owner felt like it.

              Do they expect thank you notes for your regular pay check as well?

              1. Holly*

                I wrote to Allison about the bonus thing and she called our owner a loon, haha.

                Yeah, it’s a performance bonus but it’s also considered a “gift,” and if you don’t do a hand-written note right away (legit before you even get the check) the owner will yell at your manager about you being ungrateful. No thank yous required for a paycheck, but that’s probably only because they’re required to give you that one.

              2. Jamie*

                I second the WTH – seriously?

                Now, I send thank you emails after bonuses because they are discretionary and I like to encourage generosity toward me – but they should not be expected.

                1. Holly*

                  If nothing else, you should give the person time to buy a thank you card. This happened the afternoon I found out I was getting a bonus.

                2. Chrissi*

                  I sent a thank you email to my boss when she told me I’d be getting a bonus and her response was “No thank you is necessary – you earned it”. That’s how it’s supposed to go. I hate employers that think they are doing you a favor.

  12. Jamie*

    I have so missed open thread since I was swamped last week and didn’t get here.

    And I don’t have words for how happy being greeted with goats makes me. Here’s hoping this is an omen to pain free Friday.

        1. LBK*

          I NEED IT. I watched the trailer about 400 times and laughed hysterically every time. I’m so glad it’s becoming a real thing.

      2. Heather*

        Goats are awesome. I pass a field of them on my way to work…seeing them climbing all over their shed cheers me up even when I have a case of the Mondays.

  13. AVP*

    Now that it’s (finally, sort of) spring – any Citibikers out there? Anyone thinking of joining a bike-share in your city this year?

    1. esra*

      I would join Toronto’s in a heartbeat if it wasn’t so downtown-focused. Instead I’m looking for a reasonably priced bike to truck around.

    2. anon in tejas*

      Im taking my road bike out on a renovated city trail today after work. I am so excited. I couldn’t find my helmet though, so I gotta pick one up and then…. yeah!

    3. KC*

      They have something like that in Boston. I’ve seriously considered it, but the bike lanes on most major roads are a joke here and a lot of times, you’d be riding without one. It’s just dangerous.

      The last time I was in Montreal, I noticed how well-designed their bike lanes are (separated from car traffic by barriers, etc.). I wish more cities did that.

    4. AmyNYC*

      I think it’s a great idea but there isn’t one near my apartment, I don’t want to carry a helmet all day, I’d only use it on my way home since my work doesn’t have showers/changing area.

  14. Kai*

    I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the way we go after careers today versus how people of roughly my grandparents’ generation did. Going back 60 years or so, a lot of people got a job out of school and stuck with it (or at least stayed with the same company or industry) through retirement. Now you’re likely to have a dozen or more careers by the time you retire.

    There are pros and cons to both approaches to work, but sometimes I wonder if I’d feel differently about my mostly uninteresting, dead-end job if I were part of a culture that put a premium on longevity. I might be more willing to just suck it up and accept where I am, rather than spend so much time looking at job boards and sending out applications so I can move up and out.

    1. Audiophile*

      I’ve thought about this too. In pretty much every job I’ve had post college, I’ve wanted to leave from the moment I walked through the door. Sometimes I wondered if it was just me, but then I’ve heard similar things from friends.

      1. OliviaNOPE*

        I think I’ve done this every time too! I’ve worked in my current position for over four years and I’ve been looking and applying for jobs for two years now. I’ve never worked anywhere this long and I’m dying to get out but then I wonder if I would realistically like any job because with each move I’ve been like, “Ugghhh, this ain’t what I thought it would be.”

        1. Audiophile*

          I’ve worked for the same company for almost four years now, but at two different sites. And I’m really feeling the itch because of the current culture here.

    2. AVP*

      My mom is so perplexed by this – she’s worked at the same place since she got her masters in 1974, and I had had more cumulative total jobs than her by the time I was 24.

    3. Joey*

      Depends on what you mean by premium. Giving you raises or more responsibility simply because you’ve been there longer isn’t the answer. That results in tenured people kicking back and just waiting for raises.

      Personally I think longevity is much easier to achieve and is much more fulfilling in a large organization. There are so many more advancement opportunities that are available when you are ready. At small companies it’s highly dependent on whether or not the company is growing or waiting for a few select people to leave.

      1. Kai*

        Mostly what I meant by premium is that if we still lived in a culture where the norm is just to pick a job and stick with it–if that was the most accepted way to go about your career–maybe I would feel differently about my own job. Judging by the comments, looks like I’m not alone :)

        1. Kelly L.*

          I think it goes both ways though–I think in the times you’re talking about, the employer was (ideally: not sure how accurate this was in practice) supposed to be much more committed to the employee than they are now. I think people are changing jobs more often in part because they don’t feel secure in the one they started in.

    4. LBK*

      I think it’s all part of the culture change regarding life plans and locking them down early. It’s kind of like marriage – people are getting married later in life, because the culture is changing so you aren’t seen as a weirdo if you aren’t married by 25 or 30 or even 40. Likewise, it’s considered less bizarre to still not have any idea what you want to do with your life when you go to college or when you graduate, so people accept that you may hop around different jobs to pay the bills post-graduation until you find something that fits. People also accept that the job market is and has been awful, so you may take something less than ideal short-term because the odds of landing the perfect job in your field right out of school are so low.

      In the past, I think the cultural expectation was that you chose your career at a much younger age, you went to school for it, and then you started it once you got out. That was it, and if you hated it, well, that was what you decided to do, so enjoy your miserable life!

      1. horsewithnoname*

        My parents still have this mindset. A major fight broke out when I tried to tell them I might eventually leave my field.

        They’re still upset my brother and I aren’t getting sweet pensions! Times have changed, Mom & Dad.

        1. LBK*

          Ha, are pensions still a thing? Apparently I have one at my company. I don’t have the slightest clue how it works.

          1. fposte*

            I’m prepping to do stuff on retirement with my students, so I’m currently on a “Know what you have!” kick. So I’d encourage you to figure out what the heck your pension is–it’s important to know what it won’t give you as well as what it will.

          2. JAM*

            They are still a thing. I have one at work (which I was the same way – had no idea we even had them until a couple of years into my job here), and they are now only contributing to that and not our 401(k). We were all very confused by the switch, and just assumed it somehow benefited the company to contribute to a pension instead.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Take a look at who is managing the pension vs who is managing the 401k. That might be telling.

              Consider the cost of the contribution to the pension vs the highest estimated cost of the 401k match.

              Next look at where the investments are for each- the pension and then the 401k.

              Know your pension. Find out if you can take a lump sum at retirement. My retired friend cannot do this. The people managing the pension fund have lost so much money in this economy that the fund is dangerously low. My friend can not retrieve his share- he can only get his usual monthly installment. If this pension fund goes belly up, my friend will be going back to work.

              Pensions were a wonderful thing at one time. But too many pensions have collapsed and now it is worrisome.

    5. Mike C.*

      I think part of the problem is that so many jobs now simply don’t allow workers to progress in any meaningful fashion. I keep seeing stories about how this CEO or that CEO “started in the mail room and worked their way up”. That’s a great story and all, but then you realize that now the mailroom is run by contracted workers who can’t just “move up” and the whole thing seems like a farce.

      I’m lucky enough to work for a company that in many ways takes a long term view. Last week we had a catered breakfast for an employee who was celebrating 35 years with the company. Folks like that are really, really common here.

      Before this job, what was so maddening to me was that I had no problems working my way up, putting in my time and so on, but there was no process for this. And by no process, I mean in two ways – no investment in employee training/certifications/education, and there was no process to promote people. No Job I/II/III title changes, no movement between non-management and management, nothing.

      I’d love to see some serious economic studies on this, in particular the common expectation that the only way to get a raise is to leave for another company. How much money do you think is wasted when Employee is spending time finding a new job, FormerEmployer has to replace and train up new employee and NewEmployer has to bring the Employee back up to speed in a new environment? Sure, you need some amount of labor turnover otherwise things get stagnant, but this idea that employees are replaceable cogs in a machine rather than long term investments has to cost our economy a fortune.

      1. LBK*

        Well, people aren’t getting hired into management roles straight out of school though, so someone somewhere is moving up. CEOs don’t appear fully formed like foundlings.

        I think the reality is that culturally, we’re told that everyone will get to move up if you work hard, but realistically there can only be so many managers. If every single person who worked hard, did their time, etc. kept getting promoted, who would they be managing?

    6. Bea W*

      My dad has been working at the same company all of his career, since the year I was born. Prior to that he had a brief stint at another employer when he started out, but once he was hired on at his present employer, that was it. He stayed put. There was a brief interruption in the 90s when he was laid off, but he ended up back at the same place. The company has changed hands twice in that time.I don’t think it ever occurred to him to work somewhere else.

      I prefer to not change employers. I like the stability, and why fix something that isn’t broken. So it takes a lot to get to the point where I am looking. I’ve worked for 3 employers in this career since 2000. Apparently that is really unusual, and it’s even more so now in my field where it’s near impossible to get a regular/perm position anymore. Everything has gone to temps and “outsourcing”. :-/

      1. Elizabeth West*

        My company says when they hire you that they want it to be the last job interview you ever have. I kind of liked that. Having been through two layoffs and a business closing, it made me feel a bit more secure.

    7. Sunflower*

      I think technology has just opened up people’s minds to things they never really knew about before. While finding a job isn’t easier, It’s so much easier now to look for one. Before you had to know people and read the newspaper and knock on someone’s door to ask for job. Now if you want to get a job, you sit on your couch and open the computer and BOOM- tons of jobs right in front of you.

      It does have pros and cons but ultimately, I think this idea of finding a niche is better than the old way of thinking. This atmosphere is much more conducive to entrepreneurs which can be a good and bad thing but ultimately good as more businesses are created and more of our needs are met

  15. Diet Coke Addict*

    Here is something I don’t understand:

    People who use job boards as a way to post their own availability for work. “Looking for full time work I own a car” “Need some work to pay for expense’s and bill’s” “I need work and I KNOW employers check these ads” I know that it’s people without any experience or who aren’t looking for professional positions but rather general handyman-type work, but….does this work? Are there employers or people who hire like this?

    The same thing goes for people who post in apartment/house ads with things like “In need of a 2bdrm apartment, can pay x dollars, call me!” Has this ever worked for anyone ever?

    1. AVP*

      I did once get an apartment share on Craigslist that way! I was emailing a million people, but put up an ad that said “Hi does anyone need a roommate? This is where I want to live, how much I can pay, etc” and two people did email me. They had unexpectedly found a 3-br and needed to fill in the last room. I did end up living with them for a year!

    2. mango284*

      I doubt it works… especially when employers know they can easily get hundreds of applicants to chose from within a few hours of a posting an entry-level job.

      I hate it when people randomly post a status on facebook like “I need a job! Does anyone know who’s hiring in the _____ area?” Seriously?!? Do these people not know how to browse a job board or find these things out for themselves?

      1. mango284*

        …yeah, I think it sometimes might work on Craigslist for finding roommates, but definitely not for jobs.

      2. Lynn Whitehat*

        It’s not that outlandish to think a friend might be able to refer you to a job. A lot of jobs aren’t posted on job boards or anything. I don’t think that’s the same thing as randomly posting to Craigslist.

    3. Befuddled Squirrel*

      I’ve never heard of that working, but I did know someone who wrote a script that sent an automated response to Craigslist ads containing certain keywords. He was applying for programming jobs, so when someone called, he explained what he had done. At least one employer was impressed, and he got a good job.

    4. Tris Prior*

      We recently were looking for an apartment after selling our house, and our realtor suggested we do exactly this, due to some specific circumstances that made it tough to find what we needed. He swore this works.

      I got a few responses but it was pretty much the same deal as when you go to an apartment-finding company (there are many of those in my city) and ask them to find you a place. As in, they clearly did not read my ad and instead emailed me re apartments that were out of our price range, in neighborhoods we don’t want to live in, or both.

      We did finally find a place on our own so maybe if we’d left the ad up longer it would’ve worked for us?

  16. LBK*

    Does anyone here use Salesforce for work, and how do you like it? My company is in the process of transitioning over from about 6,634 separate systems to this centralized platform and my department is actually serving as the guinea pig for the entire corporation, which is pretty exciting. It seems like it will definitely make things easier, but should I really be expecting the kind of mind-blowing growth in productivity the integration consultants are predicting?

    1. Trixie*

      Re: software, anyone know where I can find free online Raiser’s Edge training? Or Salesforce?

    2. Seattle Writer Girl*

      I’ve used Salesforce at 2 different companies for a total of 7 years. It’s amazing! It is basically an electronic version of a rolodex that also lets you record every conversation, notes, phone calls, etc. in one place so you can access everything on your client at one time. It also has really awesome reporting capabilities so you can measure everything you do.

      I highly recommend Salesforce!

    3. A Jane*

      It’s great and beats having the 6,634 different business systems. The implementation and migration is usually a pain, but it’s all a part of the process. I like being on the guinea pig team for these projects — you have a good chance of getting your feedback implemented, you get to be a part of the problem solving process, and in some cases, it means you’re on a kick ass team ready for changes.

    4. Jillociraptor*

      I love Salesforce. You can expect mindblowing productivity IF AND ONLY IF people don’t cling to their pet trackers and external systems.

      Salesforce works great on the whole. It’s s really flexible and adaptable to lots of business needs, with a little bit of creativity you can make it do just about anything, and for the most part it’s very user-friendly. The cloud-based structure and email integration makes it really easy to use. There’s so much natural collaboration capability built right in.

      However there were some growing pains in the changeover for us (ours was about 3 years ago). It takes some time to learn, like any new system–though I reiterate: it is super easy to learn–and some people just never got up to speed, and kept tracking all their data in spreadsheets, which makes for a huge bummer when I go in to check out a record and all the relevant information I need is sitting on Steve’s desktop.

      But where adoption is pretty high, it’s been AMAZING how much less time I spend asking where this or that tracker is, or who attending this event or whether anyone remembers if we talked to that person recently.

      1. LBK*

        That’s really good to know. As far as I’m aware, I’m actually only one of 2 people in the office that has a pet tracker that we’ll need to be weaned off of. I’ve been tagged by my boss to be one of the people working directly with the integration consultants, so seeing everything as it develops and getting to put in my obsessive 2 cents on each step is definitely making the transition easier.

        1. Jillociraptor*

          One thing that might be really helpful as you transition over is to write out or just be ready to really clearly explain to your Salesforce developer/whoever is designing your environment exactly what your tracker is, what it does, who needs to see it, the whole course of its use, etc. They can trouble shoot with you to help you figure out what functionalities in Saleforce will replicate or even improve your tracking process. Good luck!

        2. Agile Phalanges*

          See if you can get the other pet tracker user onto the implementation team, and you’ll be golden. :-) (I’ve never used Salesforce, but I think it’s important to include the people who will likely be the biggest opposers or struggle the most with a new system onto the implementation team so they can hear the benefits straight from the horse’s mouth and also have a say in the settings and whatnot, as you describe.)

    5. manomanon*

      I’ll be the dissenting voice here and say that I hate Salesforce with a passion. It runs slowly only tracks and reports on information inputted a certain way (ie to an organization rather than an individual) meaning many things have to be listed twice. However, we use it as a donor/donation management tool rather than for actual sales and there is a possibility it was not set up in a manner which would allow efficiency for our organization 5 years ago.

  17. Mary*

    Yay! I have been waiting for this ALL MORNING!

    I work for a somewhat small company – about 70 employees. I have the good fortune to be part of the management team, which I am seriously loving. We had a meeting last night, at which the president (my boss) mentioned how everyone’s been working hard and he wants to reward all the employees somehow. It may or may not be germane to my story that the company has both people who work at a desk and people who perform manual labor (the production department).

    The current ideas for a reward are:
    1) an Easter egg hunt, with money inside the hidden eggs;
    2) a funny-hat contest, with a cash prize to the winner.

    Am I wrong in thinking that these are not really great ideas?

    I’m sort of with Allison in that I think people should be able to have their own kind of fun on their own time. I also don’t know if we are able to implement another popular suggestion, which is giving everyone the afternoon off, with pay. We might be able to give the production employees an hour, maybe an hour and a half out of the middle of the day, but I’m not sure that we can have them take an entire afternoon off – not for financial reasons, but for workflow reasons.

    My current thinking is to suggest that we buy lunch for everyone in the company, and, like, a nice lunch; not just pizza and sodas. But if anyone else has any suggestions about how we can have fun, be inclusive, and not do something that people will find stupid or unbearable, I am delighted to hear them.

    Thanks in advance, friends. I love this community; everyone is the Most Helpful.

    1. Diet Coke Addict*

      If time off isn’t an option for workflow, I think free food (and good food!) with a spare hour or something might be the best option. I would rather swallow an egg whole than do an Easter egg hunt with my coworkers. Unless your employees are six-year-olds, I would definitely, definitely not go with that.

      Food and time off are always appreciated.

      1. Mary*

        Yeah, I get what the president is trying to do, but the whole Easter-egg hunt smacks of “Dance, puppets, dance!” to me. I’m probably going to suggest good lunch and an hour to enjoy it once I have a chance to talk with him, which is usually after 5 PM.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I think that sounds fantastic. Most people don’t want to do silly things like Easter Egg hunts at work. But free food +time is always appreciated.

          Exjob always bought us lunch at mandatory quarterly meetings, which made them far less painful.

    2. esra*

      I would take free food over an easter egg hunt or funny hat contest, both of which seem patronizing to me.

      1. Elsajeni*

        I think the funny hat contest is particularly bad — how is a contest that only one person wins a reward for the whole group? At least the egg hunt would give everyone a small prize.

    3. thenoiseinspace*

      My mom did the money-in-the-eggs thing once when I was a kid, but for the workplace? I dunno…I think making people scrounge around for a hidden extra dollar or two is almost cruel. Plus, it IS a religious holiday, though it’s become so mainstream I don’t know if an egg hunt would be likely to offend anyone.

      I much prefer your idea of going to lunch. If your boss wants to do something festive and seasonal, he could always bring in some chocolate.

      1. Arjay*

        And just going back to the Lenten discussion, if you’re scheduling a lunch for/around Easter, please don’t do it on Good Friday. I suppose it would be a true Lenten sacrifice to have to abstain from a nice lunch intended as a reward, but it would be better if everyone could enjoy it.

    4. Jamie*

      Those are horrible ideas.

      So you have people who perform well and should be rewarded based on that – but instead give it to the person with a silly hat or with random eggs?

      A nice lunch and take the money to be given as prizes and give small cash bonuses distributed in an equitable manner. You are so on the right page.

      We do quarterly lunches for all employees – pizza or chicken in winter but cookouts in the parking lot in the summer. I’m not a fan because…well, I’m me…but the general sentiment is that people love the cookouts. It’s about an hour midday and everyone sits outside and the owners of the company and other upper management (not all, no one wants me near a grill) do the cooking and serving.

      People really look forward to those. And we do bonuses end of year so if we want to reward other times we give gift cards – Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving and for those doing inventory will get $50 in gift cards. It’s not life changing money of course, but it’s a nice as it’s always given by one of the owners as they come around and say thanks – and it’s fun.

      1. Mary*

        I think President is more thinking about rewarding every single employee with something – a fun thing for the whole company – rather than highlighting individual performers. We’ve had a tough winter and everyone’s been under a lot of pressure, so he wants to do something fun.

        At the same time, I think you’re right and that doing something that includes free food (and, like, nice food) is a better choice. Your company’s approach sounds awesome – and like it was put together by rational adult people.

        1. Colette*

          It seems to me that the original suggestions will result in more hard feelings than people feeling rewarded – because there’s money involved, but not everyone will get some.

          A lunch is a better idea if the goal is to reward everyone.

          1. Sadsack*

            Exactly – how does everyone benefit from one or a few people winning a hat contest? Is the contest supposed to be the reward? Boss’s heart is in the right place, but I would ask him these questions directly and see if he doesn’t realize that what he is suggesting isn’t that great.

    5. The IT Manager*

      Am I wrong in thinking that these are not really great ideas?

      You are not wrong. Both are horrible ideas. If you have money to give out, just split it fairly in some way and not reward people for finding eggs (I am picturing pushing and shoving) or being most creative with designing a hat.

      Cash or time off is best if your company can manage it. Could they spilt the PTO so that workflow would not be impacted but people can still get an afternoon off? If not that, then a nice lunch at work sounds like the best bet.

    6. Permatemp*

      I really don’t like the Easter Egg hunt. It doesn’t seem suitable for adults and I definitely wouldn’t participate. Can you guys just have a company-wide barbecue? You can have nice catering, good music or other entertainment and a raffle. You could also give all the employees a nice, small gift. Usually people always appreciate free food.

      1. Mary*

        We actually do have a company-wide summer barbecue, which I think is in June. I’ve only been here since January.

    7. Bryan*

      I always say the only two things that EVERYONE loves are extra money and additional time off that you can take.

      I think your gut is right in that those are bad ideas, especially the hat one as that’s not a reward for everybody’s hard work, only one person. Not everybody will like a nice lunch. I would but I know some people’s thoughts are why not just give them the money you spent on the lunch. Depending on your office that sounds like a nice possibility though.

      1. Aunt Vixen*

        At my first job, at a law firm, one year there was an Easter Egg hunt for the junior support staff in the records storage room. I don’t think any of the eggs had cash; some had candy, most had gift certificates or similar, and one had a voucher for an extra day of PTO. It did in fact motivate us to hunt for the damn things, but nobody participating was over the age of about 25. I think for grown professionals it wouldn’t have worked at all.

    8. Lora*

      Good heavens no, you are not alone. If someone offered me an Easter Egg hunt on Friday as a reward for knocking myself out on Project, I’d be mysteriously ill on Friday. Money inside the eggs? Unless it’s in the form of $100 bills, no, and even that is pushing it. In particular, I am thinking of some very senior folks in my organization who would find such things downright humiliating, whereas I would only find them annoying and infantilizing.

      Nice lunch is OK. Events at most organizations I have worked with, that everyone more or less enjoyed, consisted mainly of getting out of work early on Friday for a company-paid-for happy hour, where everyone got a couple of drink tickets and there were appetizers set out, AV guys had put together a music playlist. Not that anyone danced because we’re all science nerds, but it was good to have during conversational lulls. A startup I worked for had a summer event where we went to see a baseball game and then had lunch afterwards–hotdogs, popcorn, burgers, veggie burgers, picnic or ballpark-type stuff. Another place I worked for did a summer lobster/clam bake on a private beach that was available for rental, people could hang out playing volleyball, go swimming or whatever. Other than “food will be served at (time)” there was no set program.

    9. H. Rawr*

      I’d say buying lunch (and providing an opportunity for it to be a fun get together, but not requiring it), or letting everyone out an hour or two early on a certain day, or something along those lines along with a heartfelt “thank you” would be great.

      I can see how they’re fun to some people, but you’re not wrong about the other ideas. I’m a freak who’s always hated Easter egg hunts, and something about my company hiding money and me competing with my coworkers to find it seems icky to me. And, a contest that rewards only the most unselfconcious person in the company is not really saying thank you to everyone.

    10. Laufey*

      What do you mean I didn’t win the prize. I have the best hat!

      It can’t be seen by people who are idiots and think these kinds of things are good ideas for rewarding adults in or out of the workplace.

      1. Jamie*

        I believe you were being tongue in cheek and I agree it’s ridiculous, but honestly? If there was money involved we would have complaints and meetings about why this hat was or wasn’t chosen and complaints of favoritism and bias.

        This would be a nightmare for HR for sure.

        1. Cat*

          Yeah, I feel like both that and the Easter eggs would have the same problem (besides the obvious): if it’s a trivial amount of money, nobody would care; if it’s a lot of money, everyone who didn’t win would be resentful. And, in the case of the Easter eggs, if it’s a lot of money, the scramble for them could actually be vicious.

    11. Brett*

      Easter Egg hunts also have religious connotations which can make people of other religions uncomfortable enough not to participate. Which especially sucks when there is actual money involved.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        The hunts themselves have gotten more secular over time, but since Easter itself is basically a religious holiday, yeah this. Also it’s for little kids, not grown adults!

    12. Bea W*

      The best way to reward employees is not by having contests and silly activities. Just reward them – money, gift cards, time off…anything where they don’t have to compete to maybe “win” a reward.

    13. Lizzy Mac*

      An Easter Egg hunt showed up on our workplace calendar for next week. Based on the “hints” my manager has been dropping I’m guessing there will be cash prizes hidden inside some of them. I’m not impressed. I would much prefer a really nice lunch and an opportunity to socialize with my coworkers than a shot at winning some money.

      If its supposed to be an employee reward, actually ensure that all the employees participating will be rewarded. There’s a very good chance that a couple of the athletic pushy guys at my work will grab all of the plastic eggs and leave the rest of us with chocolate while my manager gets to laugh at the mayhem. If its in your power to push for a lunch, do it. The team will appreciate it.

      1. Can't Think of a Good Name*

        Any suggestions for season/holiday-specific alternatives? I’m in charge of putting together a small morale booster like this (Easter egg hunt is what has been done in the past and was specifically suggested), but it does feel weird. On a helpful note, this is supposed to be a small fun activity, and employees are given bonuses and banquets as actual rewards. We just have a number of things like this (raffles, March Madness pools, trivia contests, etc.) throughout the year. Our budget for this event is $25-$50.

        1. Rev.*

          How many ppl are you talking about for this event? A $25-$50 budget will only effectively handle 2, maybe 3 ppl.

          A Guess the # of Jellybeans in the Jar Contest, with a $50 gift certificate @ a nice local eatery?

        2. LQ*

          My workplace did something I actually enjoyed (though I thought could have been taken to another level).

          In November for the first 12 days a prize/s were given away, different kinds of prizes and different numbers of people winning. So each day a few people had their name drawn. At the end of it everyone had won something, several of these were “sharing” things. Like winning a coffee gift card with a note to share your thanks, or a big plate of cookies for people to share with coworkers.
          No pushing no shoving some people got more than others but most people were very satisfied.

      2. Judy*

        One year our engagement team did a lot of little things, and one did include an Easter egg on everyone’s desk with candy in it. but they also put a candycane flag before 4th of july, and other cutesy baggies of candy. I think that’s mostly ok. It’s the actual hunt for the eggs that sounds odd.

        1. Lizzy Mac*

          I agree with this. Children hunt for eggs because how else are they going to get chocolate? I’m an adult and I can go buy chocolate if I want to. I would rather take those 15 minutes and do my job so that I’m not scrambling to get work done later. Also, I really don’t want to get elbowed by a coworker. Giving chocolate out is okay. Hiding it and making me hunt for it not so much. I liked the idea from below on a sundae bar. You could use Easter candies as some of the topping options. Mandated fun is great for some people but torture for others. Sincere thank yous, money, time off and food are the things closest to universal rewards and even then nothing is truly universal.

    14. Sunflower*

      If you can’t give an afternoon off and if the company isn’t casual dress, offer them casual dress that day/week on top of free lunch or whatever you decide to do

      1. Mary*

        We are a super casual workplace – so much so that we do Formal Fridays! I’m sorry, I was being vague about where I work, but we design and print custom T-shirts. Right now, I’m wearing an unprinted T-shirt, dark jeans, a cardigan, and Chucks, and I look a little more formal than most people do every day. Of course, I’m not dressed up for Formal Friday or anything.

    15. NotMyRealName*

      Last Thanksgiving our president personally handed each of us a grocery store gift card and thanked us. It wasn’t for a ton of money, but it’s one of those things that says a lot about the person in charge.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        We used to get turkey certificates. I can’t eat a whole turkey by myself (I always gave mine to a coworker who had lots to feed that day), but it was a nice gesture. They certainly weren’t obligated to do that.

    16. Just a Reader*

      Celebrating a religious holiday is so not appropriate in the workplace. Neither is treating it as a secular holiday, as people tend to do with Santa and Easter eggs. It’s just a bad idea.

      Ditto a funny hat contest.

      I echo what others have said. Food, money, time off.

      Planned “fun” at work is rarely fun. And you don’t want people to have to stay late because you made them act like 6 year olds for cash.

      1. Chinook*

        I agree that the Easter Hunt is a bad idea for adults, but there is also the religious sticking point – it is a Christian holiday and, for some of us Christians, celebrating the holiday before the actual holiday goes against our religious beliefs (we have learned to accept the cultural practice for Christmas, but Easter is a bigger deal). Heck, the day before the Easter long weekend is even a day of fasting for a bunch of us!

        1. Del*

          As well, there are some of us who vehemently don’t hold with the bunnies-and-eggs version of Easter. If my coworkers are doing that, fine, but it’s not something I would feel comfortable participating in.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Agreed. Better to call it “happy spring” or something more secular like that.

    17. Eba*

      The problem with an easter egg hunt for this purpose is that you are trying to reward all of the employees, yes? But this sort of activity inevitably will financially reward some more than others. Would just cause discord. Same with the funny hat contest. I think upper management often gets too caught up in making things “fun” rather than thinking about what employees would truly appreciate.

      Nice lunch for the company is good – just be sure that’s not the same reward every time (unless they love it, then by all means).

      A few hours off is better than no hours off…

    18. Stephanie*

      Easter eggs?! Oh God no. There would need to be $100 bills in the eggs and even then, I’d find that patronizing as all get out. While Easter’s gotten pretty secularized, there still might be a religious discrimination issue with non-Christian employees.

      The funny hat thing is silly and just rewards one person (when you’re trying to reward everyone). Personally, I can’t even wear most hats (too much hair–Gravatar is old).

      Nice lunch and/or a bonus is good. And kudos to you for thinking beyond a pizza lunch.

    19. A Non*

      I think a nice lunch sounds like a good idea. Could you do something like barbecue, and make it a long lunch?

      Cash prizes that aren’t distributed evenly don’t sound like a great reward to me. A funny hat contest with a small giftcard prize could be fun, perhaps as part of other things, but that in itself isn’t going to reward the whole office.

    20. anon in tejas*

      I agree that those ideas are not great.

      I second/third/chorus that free food/prizes is a great way to reward your staff.

      My office will reward us with lunch occasionally or sundae/coke floats on Friday afternoon. It’s generally a few minutes (15) to come socialize. It’s optional to participate.

      1. Windchime*

        We have done sundaes and that was fun. We recently did pretzels; they had fancy pretzels with dips and sauces and I think that was pretty popular. We’ve also had catered lunch (not fancy; stuff like taco or baked potato bars) and they set up the WII for people who want to play WII bowling or tennis. People can come and go as they please and it’s a nice way to take a little longer lunch.

    21. Persephone Mulberry*

      What about giving the production people their half-day as a float so they can take it when it’s convenient for them without shutting down the entire workflow? It’s not quite the same as the get-out-of-jail-free that comes with closing the office for half a day, but it’s something.

      1. Collarbone High*

        This is a great idea. I would be thrilled to have an unexpected half day, and I’d use it on some weird time like Wednesday afternoon to go to a museum and a restaurant that are packed on the weekends.

        1. Mary*

          I like this idea, too. I should mention that we’re definitely going to do the half-day at some point soon, once the weather is nice. We do need to plan for it, though, and it’s easier to just decide on a day and have that be the half-day. I wish we could float it for everyone – that would be awesome – but it’s just not feasible with the way we’re set up.

          An additional complicating factor is that the owner of the company will be in town next Friday and therefore the “fun thing” that we do will probably have to occur then, so he can see it. Even though it is Good Friday.

          2. Chinook*

            Do you have a lot of Catholics in your area? Good Friday is a day of obligation (I don’t know the rules for other Christians) and, if he only rewards the people who show up, he would be actively discriminating against them. At the very least, there would be some major resentment if he did something like a bar-b-cue and a chunk of his staff were fasting.

            1. Mary*

              We are in Pittsburgh, PA. I would say that our area is more culturally Catholic, but a lot of people don’t practice. The company also skews younger, and it’s been my experience that the young people in this area are generally less observantly religious than they may have been in the past. That’s not to say that devout young people do not exist, just that I haven’t encountered a great number of them.

              The major thing we do have around here is fish fry fundraisers on Fridays. Basically, almost every church and volunteer fire department offers fried fish in some form on Fridays, as well as other traditional Lenten delicacies. In fact, I am hitting up the VFD on the way home for a fish sandwich and am hoping that they will have haluski left, since I had to settle for mac and cheese last week.

              Fish fry is a big deal and I am sad every April when Lent is over.

            2. Rev.*

              Years ago (when I was young/dumb, I wanted to BBQ on Good Friday.

              Pork chops, chicken, and sausage.

              My older sister talked me out of it, with quite a bit of finger-waggling and castigation. We live in SW Louisiana, and were surrounded by Catholics, but I didn’t quite “get it.”

              *hangs head in shame @ the memory*

              I certainly “get it” now, trust me. People can get really offended @ what they perceive as a religious faux pas.

    22. Mike C.*

      You’re right on the money. The only other thing I can think of is a cash reward, and an earnest thank you from upper management recognizing the contributions of each team.

      The reason I add the latter part is that really the only thing better than a check in hand is knowing that your hard work is actually being noticed, utilized and appreciated. That’s really good for morale.

    23. Chinook*

      I don’t like the idea of rewarding people with money via prizes – it emans that the fastest person in the Easter Egg hunt or the most creative person or person with money or time to be creative gets rewarded, which may not be the skills that are normally valued in the job.

      Now, if he wanted to still give a few larger prizes vs. spreading it out evenly, then maybe have a prize draw in the afternoon for every employee (not just those who happen to be there at that time)??

    24. Franny*

      I worked at a company once that gave everyone a ham at Easter time, and a turkey near the holidays and that was a nice gesture

    25. Bonnie*

      In the past my boss has both cooked us breakfast at the office and held a cookout where he maned the grill. People appreciated not only the money spent but our boss wanted to do something for us himself to show us his appreciation. This year he bought lunch on our mandatory Saturdays, but while people are appreciative I don’t think they like it as much as when he made us pancakes, bacon and eggs.

    26. Mary*

      I’d just like to thank everyone who replied in this thread – there are some really excellent suggestions here. It’s really been helpful to me and I hope that it helps someone else in the future!

    27. Not So NewReader*

      Crawling around on the floor looking for eggs containing money is my idea of total humiliation. I would not be able to participate.

      My husband worked for a place where once in a while the boss would walk up to him and say “thanks for doing a great job” and press a $50 bill into my husband’s hand as he shook hands. Since my husband never knew when this was going to happen, it was a delight each time.

    28. Mary*

      An update: I talked to President after the rest of the non-management employees had left for the day. I said, “I get what you’re trying to do, but I don’t think an Easter-egg hunt will have the intended outcome.” He said, “You’re probably right. I don’t think people here like to have that kind of fun.”

      In the end, he will do what he wants, because he is the president, but I hope he will think about it some more.

      1. Stephanie*

        *groan*

        I guess he kind of got it? Hopefully his better judgment keeps y’all from crawling around the cubes on all fours.

    29. Grace*

      I don’t know where you live, but one of the companies I worked for rewarded employees by hiring a huge yacht to take us sailing for about 4-hours and they gave us a catered lunch.

  18. Dan*

    How does one analytically define what “market” rate for pay is, and whether or not one is “over” or “under” paid?

    I’m not talking about “go to salary dot com and look at the range.” What I’m asking about is once you’ve gotten that range, then what? Is “market rate” the median salary? Note that the definition of “median” means 50% fall above and 50% fall below that mid point. IOW, 50% of the people in the market are paid “below average.”

    If one is looking at “mean” salaries (“mean” being a simple average), the average is hard to chase. As people in the lower tiers of salaries get increases, that further pushes up the mean. IOW, if the average salaries in my field are $50k, and I make $25k, getting a raise to $40k will push up the average salary. This makes chasing the mean so to speak rather difficult.

    So, question: What’s the analytical definition of market rate, and how does one define whether or not they are over or under paid?

    1. Joey*

      Its kind of weird doing it backwards. Market is the salary required for a specific job to compete for candidates. It’s highly dependent on the major functions (job titles frequently function differently), which companies you compete with for candidates, and years of experience. So from an applicant standpoint I would use the median (less affected by abnormal salaries) salary of people with similar years of experience who are working at similar companies performs similar tasks to the ones you’re targeting. Tough, I know.

    2. Mike C.*

      In addition to what Joey said, if you’re in the US (heck, it might be useful outside of the US), look at the US Bureau of Labor Statistics. They’re really good about classifying different types of work, and they have an amazing amount of data to sift through.

      I don’t know if you’re asking this for personal enlightenment or if you work with salary decisions, but I have a few thoughts if you’re in the latter group. I think it’s important to make sure that differences within a company are there for concrete reasons – levels of education, levels of experience, years of service, wiggle room for merit and so forth. Also seriously consider internally publishing pay bands for your jobs and job levels.

      2. Dan*

        Personal enlightenment. As a math geek, I’m just trying to quantify what “market rate” and “underpaid” means. People like to piss and moan a lot about it, and I’m curious on how to actually put some numbers on the griping.

        Again, though, I’m not asking for the data. Assume you know what the distributions look like. What parts on the distribution would you circle and label as market, underpaid, and overpaid? Why?

        1. Joey*

          In short, underpaid/overpaid is making more/less than those similarly situated.

          Where a lot of people make mistakes is they’re only using the data that supports the outcome they want.

        2. Comp Geek*

          I’m a compensation analyst, so this type of thing is my bread and butter.

          In general, I’d define “market” as between the 25th and 75th percentile for a job. “Under market” is typically from the 0-25th percentile, although I would really only use that term if you’ve been in role for a while (at least over a year) with good performance. If you’re new to the job/role, it’s more appropriate to be at the bottom of the range. I also wouldn’t necessarily define those above the 75th percentile as “overpaid”, since sometimes there’s good business reasons for that pay.

          Even though there’s a mathematical median to the market data, I spend a lot of time educating managers that there’s not a single “market rate”, but instead is a competitive range for similar work in companies similar to ours (revenue size, industry, geographic location, etc.).

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      I know most readers of AaM will disagree with me on this (the popular narrative is that you should always try to negotiate for higher salary), but for simplicity’s sake (even with a little wiggle room for negotiating) the market rate is whatever you’re willing to accept that someone else is willing to pay.

      If the average (whether you define it as the median or mean) is $50,000, but the most any employer is willing to offer you is $40,000, and you are willing to accept that offer, that’s the market rate.

      If the average (same deal about definitions) is $50,000, but you get offers of $60,000 and $65,000, the market rate is $60,000-$65,000.

      It’s similar to renting an apartment. If the average 1-bedroom apartment in your area is $1000/month, but you see one you really like for $1300/month, you just have to ask yourself how much you want that apartment and whether you can afford it or not. You can always find a 1-bedroom for $1000, but it may not be the one you want.

      1. Jamie*

        I understand what you’re saying – but market rate is what most people are willing to work for in that area for that job – you will always have outliers outside of the market rate.

        If I’m out of work for a really long time and getting desperate I may take the first low ball offer that comes my way, even if it’s outside of market.

        Or conversely if I’m lured away by another company because they know my work and really want me personally and want to pay me crazy money…that’s outside of market also.

        And market rate is typically for a position – there are reasons that someone would fall above or below market (legitimately) based on their skill level or ancillary experience.

        It’s kind of like real estate. Market rate for a 4 bedroom house in X neighborhood is 500K. If you get it for 250K because you’re buying it from your gramma or because the sellers are in a hurry to offload it you got a deal. The same as if you pay $700 for it because you just had to have that particular house. Either scenario is an outlier and doesn’t change the market rate.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          I can speak from only my limited experience, but the times I’ve been low-balled have been way before the offer stage, because the employer knows their budgeted salary range is below market rate. They’ll say during the interview stage “We really can’t pay more than $__,___. Is that okay with you?” One time it was fine (I didn’t have a lot of other things going for me), and another time it wasn’t fine (I ended up taking a job paying more than twice as much).

          Of course, a lot of employers will pay the least they can get away with, but that’s the key—unless there are unusual circumstances, usually they can’t get away with going too far below market rate, because at a certain point, no one will take those offers.

      2. Joey*

        That’s the thing though. Dans trying to figure out what to accept by looking at what’s reasonable and fair. Your methodology disregards retention issues due to low pay. It’s like saying if its more than what you’re making now you should take it. That’s misguided.

        1. Audiophile*

          But I think that’s true for a lot of people. I know I’ve done that, because I wanted to get out of a very low paying, dead end job. Market rate wasn’t a factor because, I was going to something new, had very little experience.

    4. Jamie*

      When I was tasked with coming up with market rate for my job it was hard because my job is a weird amalgam you won’t find on a salary site this is what I did:

      I hit the job boards looking for IT ads in the field looking at similar levels of responsibility, duties, and company size within my area (where I personally met the requirements – so basically jobs I would apply for if I were unemployed). I did the same for the accounting/auditing parts of my job. Fortunately both were in the same range. I wanted to get 25 as a control sample but it was impossible in my area because so few jobs list numbers in the range. So I extended my research to other Midwestern cities with a similar economy and cost of living. So I didn’t toss in NY or LA to skew things higher – because I genuinely wanted to know the real market – not an idealized fiction.

      Once I had 25 I did a mean (and when ranges were listed I typically picked the mid point – except in jobs where it was a little stretch where I’d go low and where it was less responsibility I’d skew a little higher.)

      I used Craigslist, Indeed, Spiceworks, Severfault, and Dice – as well as some manufacturing boards for their IT listings. I did not use Monster or Career Builder since I wanted to avoid tainting my data with the phantom jobs with inflated salary lists so many agencies post.

      I felt a lot more comfortable with my number than anything from a salary stat site because I knew where the data came from and I vetted it myself.

      Just another way to go.

      1. Joey*

        The only caution to looking at the midpoint if ranges in job ads is they frequently don’t correlate to the midpoint of actual salaries. I see tons of job ads with a salary spread of 10-20k when in reality the real spread (between min/max) is 50k. And a lots of companies have salaries that skew lower or higher than their salary midpoint for a variety of reasons. But, if you don’t have access to actual salaries or real pay bands this is probably the best you can do.

  19. Unemployed*

    I can’t find a job and I have no idea why. I have my masters in education, I have been looking for a teaching job for so long. I have been unemployed since 2012. All I can find are little part time jobs and those quickly disappear. I had a writing job for a while, got laid off after a month. Last month I picked up a job in a daycare center, they let me go after two weeks. Meanwhile I watch kids who are younger than me and only have a high school diploma walk into places and get the same job, no problem. I don’t understand what is wrong with me or why nobody will give me a chance.

      1. Unemployed*

        nothing performance based. all about money. one company actually is about to go bankrupt…

    2. thenoiseinspace*

      If you’re applying to the jobs as people with a high school degree only, then don’t tell people about your advanced degree. I had the same problem applying to part-time jobs this past summer. During my preliminary interview for a restaurant job, the head waiter told me not to mention any degrees beyond an undergrad one, and he was right – I got the job, after having been turned down for dozens.

      1. mango284*

        This is hard to do though when it leaves an unexplained gap on your resume. For example, in the 3 years it took to get my master’s, the jobs I had were all part-time student assistant jobs at the university I got the master’s at, which was different from my undergrad institution. If I left my master’s degree off my resume, I’d have to leave those jobs off as well and would have no way to explain what I was doing for those 3 years.

        1. C*

          I don’t think you’d have to leave off your part-time student assistant jobs if you left off your Master’s degree. Say you hadn’t actually finished the degree in the end…but you had those jobs, right? So they stay.

          1. Diet Coke Addict*

            Yep. No need to leave them off. They were jobs, which presumably you did to the best of your abilities–they don’t stop being work experience just because you didn’t complete your degree or chose not to put it on the resume.

    3. Bryan*

      If you’re seeing people with only a HS degree get the same job are you applying to the right jobs? Employers don’t look at you and them and think, “This person is more education let’s hire them.” They more often think, “This person is getting a job that is beneath what they want and they’re going to leave as soon as they can.”

    4. Anoners*

      Could your Masters be hurting your chances? Where I live school districts don’t hire people with Masters because they have to pay them more. A lot of my old teachers/friends will get the teaching job first, and then go back and get their Masters so they get more money, without having to worry about being blocked or fired.

      Not sure if that’s how it works there or not (or even if you’re trying for public teaching jobs).

    5. Stephanie*

      Aw, sorry to hear you’re going through this.

      Public teaching jobs strike me as pretty competitive (at least my area) unless you’ve got a really niche skill (like bilingual special ed or something). State budget’s pretty tight and the education schools pump out tons of grads, so the market’s pretty glutted.

      Have you done a reference check with your past employers? Also, it might hurt you that you’ve at a lot of short term jobs, especially if you can’t explain that well in an interview.

      The HS diploma jobs are probably the wrong ones. Like someone just mentioned, it’s usually not seen as a plus to have a masters degree in an unrelated field.

      Have you looked into curriculum development or training jobs? Those might like your M.Ed. Good luck!

      1. Unemployed*

        Yes I’m applying for teaching jobs. I’ve applied to lots and sometimes I’ll get a phone interview or in person, but I don’t make it past the first round. It’s…difficult. I’m just applying to small part time things to have some form of income coming in, in the meantime.

        1. thenoiseinspace*

          Have you tried tutoring companies or test prep (like SAT?) In my area, there are several places that do summer tutoring programs for students – that might be a good gig that would give you helpful experience. You could also freelance tutor and advertise at local schools.

        2. A.*

          Have you tried applying for for-profit colleges? It seems like every time I browse job boards they’re always hiring.

          1. Stephanie*

            Er, University of Phoenix/Apollo Group is hemorrhaging employees, but I bet she might have better luck with a for-profit with a less tarnished reputation.

            2. Liz in a Library*

              Yep, the for-profit group I once worked for has had several rounds of massive layoffs, too. The brand I worked for is hiring, but everything else is pretty bleak. So, just be wary.

    6. Sunflower*

      Unfortunately a lot of teaching jobs are who you know. A lot of my friends are teachers and even they have truble. My roommate had to sub in the same school district her parents taught in for 4 years before getting offered a classroom. 2 years later and she still doesn’t have a contract. Have you tried long term sub jobs?

      Also will echo that the degree will hurt you on part-time jobs.

    7. Aisling*

      Are you willing to move? Oklahoma is always looking for teachers, though the pay is not great.

      1. De Minimis*

        I think they are always looking because the teachers get fed up and leave….education is just not a big priority and a lot of the lawmakers are outright hostile toward teachers and the public schools.

        I’d try Texas first, although I don’t know what the market for teachers is like there—but that is where a lot of new grads in Oklahoma end up going for teaching jobs.

      2. Frances*

        But unfortunately, Oklahoma is one of those states where they are reluctant to make new hires of teachers with Masters (I have many family members who have taught in that state, and this happened to my aunt when she tried to get back in the workforce).

    8. Sitting Duck*

      I’m going through the same thing. I also have a Masters and have been looking since 2011 – I’m only able to find short term/seasonal jobs that are usually great while they last – but the problem is they end and then I’m right back where I started without a job.
      The market really sucks out there. People keep saying ‘its getting better’ but until I see that I won’t believe it (aka until I get a full time year round job)
      Good luck. I don’t really have any advise as I’m in the same boat. :/

    9. Rachel - HR*

      I know it isn’t a great move financially but if you are serious about becoming a teacher, your best bet is to substitute.

  20. WorkingAsDesigned*

    I posted this question in the open thread a couple of weeks ago, but it was several hundred posts in, so giving it another go!

    This question is directed mostly toward admin/exec assistants and managers with assistants, but I welcome everyone’s feedback!

    I support a C-suite exec and a VP. They’re both very satisfied with my work, so no issue there. What I’m looking for are suggestions to continually step up my game. Reading AAM has certainly been helpful! I’ve also purchased books about becoming a great/better assistant, and read blogs by stand-outs in the field.

    In addition to suggestions about continued growth, I’d also like to hear suggestions on ways to fill downtime when my 2 execs don’t have anything for me, and other assistants and/or managers in the office don’t have anything I can help with. I am slowly working on a policies & procedures manual for my role in the event that we win the lottery and I give a 12-second notice . . . :-)

    1. brightstar*

      What about trying to become more proficient with software that you’re using? It might be a way to fill up downtime as well as increasing your skill levels.

    2. Emily, admin extraordinaire*

      See if they’ll let you do training (even from somewhere like Lynda.com) on the more advanced features of Word or Excel (or any other software you often use: Photoshop, Publisher, whatever). Being able to create a pivot table in Excel or an automatic Table of Contents in Word by using styles can make you look like a whiz kid, even though they’re fairly easy if you know what you’re doing. If you already know how to do those things, I’m sure there are still things you can learn– using wildcards in find/replace, slick ways of formatting in Excel, etc.

      1. Trixie*

        gcflearnfree offers FREE online learning so definitely worth spending some time there. Such a great resource.

      1. WorkingAsDesigned*

        Great question, AVP. In the true long-term, I have a side business that I’m planning to grow to the point of having as my source of income.

        In the shorter long-term (is that a word?), while still employed, I’ve become more and more aware that admins can have a major impact on the companies they work for, including the executive team. My C-level manager and I discussed just this week that by being his admin, my “team” is the entire company. He’s on a upward growth path within the company, and it’s really important to me that I’m growing my skills and professionalism right along with him, if not a step or two ahead of him.

        1. AVP*

          One thing that could be helpful both for your EA work and future business plans is to start getting a background in the programs and technology that your boss’s specialty uses. So like, if he’s rising through the marketing department, learn how to make Board-o-matics and basic Photoshop. Or presentation programs, or whatever. Or go to a seminar in ‘how to write a business plan.’ I find with my direct reports that their jobs go smoother (and they can get more done) if they have some idea of what I’m talking about, even if it’s not exactly in their purview. Particularly if it’s something unimportant or that there’s not a dedicated person for at your company- it’s so nice when someone asks me to do something for them and I can refer them to my EA and she does it well!

    4. LBK*

      I don’t have any suggestions for the first part, but for the second part: start keeping a list of everything you find yourself thinking “Wow, I wish I had that, but I just don’t have the time to do it.” Like if there’s certain information that would be helpful to dig up, or certain documentation you’d like to revise, or a certain subject you’d like to read more about.

      This happens to me a lot re: data analysis, where I’ll think as I’m working on something, “I wonder if I were to look at X over time and compare to factors Y and Z if I would see trend N” but I don’t have time to drop everything and look into it now. It also happens with documentation, where I’ll be using a template or a file and think “Man, I hate the way this is written, I should really fix it at some point.”

      Often by the time you’re actually able to do these things, you’ve forgotten about them. If you write them down, it becomes a handy list of pet projects you can work on in your downtime.

    6. PA Kay*

      A wonderful manager told me that one rule of success is to develop deep technical knowledge no matter what your field. As a PA, I spend any downtime researching and creating worst-case scenarios. Examples – travel – if mgr needs a meeting at an airport – what are the meeting facilities? what are the hotels near the airport? what amenities do the hotels offer? Do they offer a day rate for showering, changing, quick nap rather than a more expensive night stay? Visas – where are they likely to go and what are the visa requirements and how long will it take? How soon can I get his passport renewed? What are the train schedules for the Eurostar? What are the rates? I also do this for the calendar (with whom are they likely want to meet? what is that person’s schedule? is there any pre-read needed?) and financial (e-expenses, exchange rates, where to go to get $s changed to £ and € and vice versa). Good luck and Kudos for trying to improve your skills.

    7. Jazzy Red*

      Consider joining The International Association of Administrative Professionals (www.iaap-hq.org). There might be a chapter near you. You could visit them before making a decision to join.

      I was a member for 13 years, and I earned two professional certifications. Getting to know real Administrative Professionals (as opposed to people who just work in an office) helped me to expand my professionalism. Taking part in my chapter and division helped me develop skills such as public speaking and event planninng. Networking with other Admin Professionals provided me with insights I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise, as well as best practices for real, on-the-job help.

      Check them out. They are much more than some of these associations that just take your money and send you a newsletter now and then.

      1. WorkingAsDesigned*

        Thanks, Jazzy Red. I’ve looked into IAAP, since they seem like a wonderful organization, but sadly the nearest chapter is 150 miles away.

        Any suggestions on other ways to connect with local Admins? I keep looking for local organizations, but our smaller, rural community doesn’t seem to have any “formal” ones.

    8. Rev.*

      How familiar are you with the job descriptions/actual duties of your C-suiter and VP?

      Without stepping on any toes or violating the Turf Border, what can you do to make their job easier? You want to become the Indispensable One, and a lot of times it’s in finding the little things that greases the wheels of the boss in front.

      1. WorkingAsDesigned*

        This is great feedback, Rev – much appreciated!

        I’ve worked with the C-suiter for 7.5 years, and the VP for 6 years, so we don’t have many turf issues, thankfully. When there are issues, I know them well enough to realize when a boundary’s been crossed, and to back off.

        They’ve both had transitions in their duties over the years, and continue have their job descriptions morphed, so your advice about making sure that the little things are taken care of is terrific. I believe that success in my role as their support person is to ensure that they’ve succeeded in their roles.

        My goal is to earn a nickname change from “WorkingAsDesigned” to “Radar” (nod to my fellow M*A*S*H fans)! :)

  21. Cath in Canada*

    I often find myself on teleconferences where the chair asks for yes/no opinions on a question or proposal, and is met with deafening silence. Does anyone know of any free virtual meeting software that would allow people to vote yes/no by clicking a button, or something like that? I think it might help with engagement.

    1. Kara Ayako*

      Ours isn’t free, but we use WebEx which allows for polls.

      The other option is to not do a poll but apply a “silence implies consent” policy. We do that for our conference calls, and it works well.

      1. Cath in Canada*

        “silence implies consent” – I really, really like that idea, especially because it doesn’t involve asking people in multiple countries to download something. I’m going to suggest it to the two main chairs next time I see them. Thank you!

  22. Stephanie*

    Texas folks: is the Texas Job Miracle actually true?

    I’m always a little skeptical of these “Best Places to Find a Job” lists, but the unemployment rate in the big Texas cities is definitely lower than the one in my current city. My mom is convinced that that might be the answer.

    I did stay with a friend in Austin and search there for a bit. I found it to be ok, but that the booming job market there was really limited to tech and not a whole lot else. Are Dallas or Houston any better?

      1. De Minimis*

        Ha, I’m looking at Texas too….

        Low unemployment rate can be deceptive, it doesn’t necessarily mean there are plenty of good jobs available. I was misled by a low unemployment rate where I currently live, although it is not hard to find a job there, it is hard to find one that pays much above minimum wage. I don’t know if that is the case for the bigger cities in Texas, though. People where I live are always complaining that younger people leave for Texas due to higher salaries.

        1. Stephanie*

          I know a lot of it is minimum wage jobs.

          Salary thing, not sure about. I heard salaries all over the map when I graduated from college in Texas. I definitely got offered more out-of-state, but higher salaries were offset by the higher COL. Also, I grew up outside of Dallas and I’m amazed at how things have gotten pricier there.

        2. TL*

          For skilled labor, if you can transfer your skills to the oilfield, you’ll definitely get a higher wage in Texas. For more white-collar work, the salaries are lower but so is the cost of living – most of Texas is in the bottom third of the national average COL. Austin is considered a very expensive place relative to the rest of Texas and it’s right at national average.

      2. Befuddled Squirrel*

        +1 for San Antonio. Low cost of living and lots of jobs. Austin is an hour’s drive away so you can take advantage of everything going on there without having to deal with all the congestion, higher costs, and throngs of tourists and college students.

          1. TL*

            USAA is based in San Antonio, I’m pretty sure. They have a huge complex out by the med center, off 410, IIFC.

          3. Joey*

            Not mostly military by a long shot, but definitely a lot, especially if you’re close to a base.

        2. Joey*

          Not really an hour unless you’re counting from edge to edge with no traffic. More like 1.5 -2 as a job commute if you have to deal with rush hour. Its a bear of a commute and lots of speed traps both ways.

          1. TL*

            Yeah, Austin is definitely an 1.5 hr drive from SA, unless you’re doing 90+ in the middle of the night.

            1. De Minimis*

              I know a guy who makes that commute, but I think he works oddball hours so it may be easier for him.

    2. Lora*

      What kind of job? Some fields are more location-specific than others. I mean, where I live it’s biotech heaven, and people with advanced degrees are doing just fine, but jobs for high school grads are thin on the ground.

      1. Stephanie*

        Mechanical engineering-related. My degree’s in that, but I worked in a different, but related field after graduation. So mechanical engineering jobs or anything that might like that background.

        1. Lora*

          More specific? Robotics, consumer goods, process design?

          For robotics, Texas could definitely be a good choice. Consumer goods design, depends on the goods–one of my friends designs consumer electronics for Bose, one designs bicycle parts, another does all kinds of stuff for a consulting company that advises consumer goods manufacturers (more efficient refrigerators, electronic medical records…can’t remember what all he’s worked on). The MechEngs I know in Automation tend to work for places like Raytheon or else along the coasts. For business-to-business stuff, also really depends on the business. I know MechEngs who designed blast furnaces who worked in the midwest on materials manufacturing, elastomers for Dow (Delaware) and DuPont (Ohio), coatings for Sherwin-Williams (also Ohio).

          1. Stephanie*

            Oh, sorry! I’m not being specific enough.

            Actually, I am interested in robotics. I rekindled my interest in the subject after doing some volunteer work through FIRST Robotics and started learning C/C++ and brushing up on MATLAB.

            1. Stephanie*

              I should add, not just interested in that specifically. Also open to other areas as well. I’ve got kind of an odd background, so trying to see what fits it.

        2. Joey*

          I don’t know where your experience lies, but there’s aerospace and energy related engineering jobs near south texas (military and eagle ford shale.)

        3. Dan*

          How would you feel about moving back to DC? I work for a non profit that hires mechanical engineers. I just saw a presentation from some of them on nano technology that they have been working on.

          1. Stephanie*

            Ha, conflicted. But for the right job, I’d consider it. I do miss seasons. I know Alison doesn’t like solicitations in the comments. I’m in the LinkedIn group–my last name is Jennings.

            (Do you work for MITRE? Taking a wild guess here.)

        4. TL*

          Hi! If you’re willing to live out in the middle of nowhere, Odessa and Midland have a booming oil industry which I imagine would require some mechanical engineering stuff – it’s worth looking into. The pay is excellent, though the rent/housing prices are ridiculously high for Texas.

          San Antonio and San Marcos are also good – San Marcos is the fastest growing city in the US, I believe, though it’s generally absorbed into the Austin Metro area. San Antonio has a lot going on; I know a fair number of my engineering friends in multiple fields have gotten jobs there. Make sure to look in the suburbs, as well!

          Austin has a lot in the tech/biotech industry right now (Dell, Apple, Google, DropBox, LifeSciences, ect…) but I don’t think there’s a lot of straight engineering work. Mind you, it’s growing like crazy and certainly there are enough events/big things coming it that it’s worth a look (F1 races and the X-games, for instance)

          Corpus Christi and Houston for oilfields (be prepared for off-shore companies) or south Texas for more industry type jobs where I imagine mechanical engineering would be of use. The oilfield jobs pay extremely well but are very demanding in terms of hours and sometimes travel/location, depending on what you’re doing.

          Also, if you’re not attached to living in or near a city, check out the small towns all around Texas – I imagine that mechanical engineering would be useful for many of the jobs located there. You’d be surprised how many towns are supported by one major industry that hires a variety of people that aren’t necessarily easy to find in that town’s population.

          1. Joey*

            San Marcos for mechanical engineering jobs? Not unless you want to commute to Austin or SA.

              1. Joey*

                TX state, outlet malls, and a few mfg places. Pretty average small town when you take out TX State. Local professional jobs pay less than Austin/SA and are fewer.

    3. Bryan*

      I might be wrong on this but I usually read Houston’s job market is largely in the energy sector. Now I don’t know if that means all types of positions at energy companies or working more hands on with oil wells.

    4. Mike C.*

      Yeah, those lists require a lot of context. What sort of jobs are available? How many people have simply been dropped from the employment stats because they aged out or simply stopped looking for work?

      And heck, I’ve seen stories that conflate raw job numbers with employment percentages, and also reports about how employment plans from the local politicians netted N number of jobs when economic predictions said long ago that those jobs would return on their own.

      So yeah, most of those reports feel like over-simplistic ads for a local area or political group.

    5. Malissa*

      I’ve been seeing a lot of jobs for Houston. I’ve even had a couple of recruiters contact me about moving. So it must be a boom town.

      1. TL*

        Keep in mind that Texas is fairly buffered from the rest of the nation, economically speaking. We (for the most part) didn’t feel the recession as much as the everyone else did.

      2. Joey*

        Lots of trade offs though. Muggy as hell, horrible traffic, and 30min-1 hr to get anywhere. Forget it if you have to go to the other side of town.

        Although restaurants and culture scene kick ass. Astros and texans tickets are a great option if you go to see their opponents.

      3. Mz. Puppie*

        My husband got recruited out of our old city into Houston. Was offered a relocation package and everything. Can confirm.

    6. Anonsie*

      I left Austin two years ago because I could not, for the life of me, find a new job. I know a number of people in a variety of fields who were laid off during the recession and still can’t find full time work, or work in their field, or a solid job at all. I’ve heard the “Austin job market is great” story over and over and I don’t know what in the world people are talking about. Most of us expanded our search outward to Houston and San Antonio at least without any success as well, though there seemed to be a few more options on those markets.

      I wouldn’t hunt based on unemployment rates. Hunt based on how much money is going into your industry in that city. I do clinical research and, while Texas has a ton of major medical centers and medical schools, they are not expanding. I moved somewhere there was enough money to go around, basically, and had no issues after that.

      1. Stephanie*

        I had the same reaction. A friend let me crash at her place in Austin to try and line up interviews and while it was ok, I didn’t think it was as great as portrayed. I think if you have really in-demand tech skills or don’t mind waiting around for a higher ed/state government job, it’s good. I just got kind of a confused shrug in regard to my background.

        Houston and Dallas definitely seemed to have a bit more options.

        Nah, I haven’t been hunting on unemployment rates. Hell, I interviewed for something in Detroit, which never makes those best job cities lists. I was just curious from a firsthand experience if things were better enough to focus there.

      2. TL*

        Austin is actually opening up a medical school in the next few years (I’m pretty sure they were trying to overturn that but failed.)

        I think the thing with Austin is that for certain fields, it’s great. Or if you want to kinda live the partying, after-college lifestyle with a low-paying job and a bachelor’s degree, it’s also great.

        But for clinical research – no. I think your advice about knowing how much money is going into your industry where is right on the money.

        1. Stephanie*

          I don’t even know how feasible the partying, low-paying job route is there anymore! It sounds like rent and housing prices have gotten insane in the last few years due to the tech boom, unless you plan to live way out in Georgetown or something.

          1. TL*

            Nah, people just live in crappy houses or on East Riverside (like I did!) or other undesirable neighborhoods-mostly East Austin- with roomies. You can still keep your rent at like $600 or less a month if you’re not picky.

  23. Permatemp*

    I’m a temporary employee covering for Project Coordinator who’s out on maternity leave. In my email signature what should my title be? Should it be Temporary Project Coordinator or just Project Coordinator? I think “Temporary Proj Coord” sounds… off, but I also don’t want to confuse those outside of our department who might think that I’m permanently replacing the employee who’s out.

    2. WorkingAsDesigned*

      I did temp work for several years, and during the couple of times I had a longer assignment, just put the position’s title in my signature block (“Project Coordinator”). With that being said, the assignments were in smaller companies, so the chance of internal confusion was lessened.

      When clients or other outside people asked me about what happened with the person I was filling in for, I just said that she was out on parental leave, out on medical leave, or some other generic response, and if pressed, her approximate return date.

  24. Lee*

    I’m getting married very soon, and plan to make my maiden name my middle name and add my husband’s as my last name (aka Marsha Brady Jones). My last name is fairly unusual. However, I have recently started a new job (clinet-facing) and am worried about any confusion as well as sending off any unintended signals. Has anyone negotiated this before?

    1. Diet Coke Addict*

      If you’re currently signing off stuff with “Elizabeth Bennet” and you’re getting married next week, can you sign off as “Elizabeth Bennet Darcy” for a bit–say, a few months, before transitioning to “Elizabeth B. Darcy” and eventually “Elizabeth Darcy”? I know women who have done this as a way of transitioning to a married name without throwing people off or confusing them.

    2. Befuddled Squirrel*

      Both of the companies where I’ve worked have had a standard way to do this. A few weeks before you get married, change it to Martha Brady (Jones). After, change it to Martha Jones (Brady) and stick with that for about a month before switching to Martha Jones.

    4. Jamie*

      What unintended signals?

      But regarding the name change you want, there is nothing unusual about that. In fact, the way you’re doing it has the collateral benefit of people immediately knowing you’re the same person, just with a name change.

      Just make sure IT forwards your old email addy to your new so you don’t lose anything.

      This happens every day – you should do this how it makes you happy and not give it a second thought – because no one else will.

    5. AdAgencyChick*

      I have a short and memorable maiden name, and a long and hard-to-pronounce (at least, most people find it so; I think it’s long, but phonetically spelled) married name.

      For a while I kept my maiden name at work. This proved to be a pain in the butt at times, especially when every time we got a new admin (and we had a lot of turnover) I had to explain to that person not to book any hotels and ESPECIALLY no flights in my work name. Or we’d have a client whose security team had been told to look for “AdAgencyChick Maidenname” and wouldn’t let me in because my driver’s license says “AdAgencyChick Hisreallylongname.”

      I changed jobs, and decided I was going to go with one name for my whole life. So I got my business card printed up with Hisreallylongname, informed everyone that’s what I was using, etc. This was worse. At my level it’s good for clients to remember my name and they just didn’t. Now any contacts I made from that job, if they hear from a friend who says, “I have a job opening, do you know anyone?” and they think of me, think, “Yeah, how about AdAgencyChick His…uh…Hisousky? Hisini?”

      Went back to my maiden name, even though that now means I use two names. My husband wasn’t delighted, but he gets it. He should change HIS name to Jones if he wants me to use his at work!

    6. Dan*

      The HR person at a job that I had applied to used her maiden name as her email address and displayed name (ie jdoe@zzz.com and displays as Jane Doe). Her signature (which I never look at) uses her married name (so it says Jane Doe Smith). When she would call, she would announce herself as “Jane Smith.”

      It was always confusing as hell. We actually got to offer stage, and when “Jane Smith” called looking for me, I was about 2 seconds away from saying “Why are you calling me? I don’t believe we have met.” When you’ve received tons of emails from “Jane Doe” getting a call from “Jane Smith” is a bit… weird.

    7. Dan*

      The HR person at a job that I had applied to used her maiden name as her email address and displayed name (ie jdoe at zzz dot com and displays as Jane Doe). Her signature (which I never look at) uses her married name (so it says Jane Doe Smith). When she would call, she would announce herself as “Jane Smith.”

      It was always confusing as hell. We actually got to offer stage, and when “Jane Smith” called looking for me, I was about 2 seconds away from saying “Why are you calling me? I don’t believe we have met.” When you’ve received tons of emails from “Jane Doe” getting a call from “Jane Smith” is a bit… weird.

  25. Offtopic*

    Completely off any topic ever covered on the site, but I’m a regular part of the community, so you are my people. I have a crush, and it is sooooo annoying. I’m married, closer to menopause than to the normal age of “crushes”, but I met this guy who has somehow gotten into my head. I will likely never see him again, and it not’s like I would ever do anything about it anyway. I’ve been attracted to people besides my partner because people are obviously sometimes attractive , but I can’t seem to relax and just enjoy this feeling. He’s making my brain itch. So, are you supposed to feed a crush or starve a crush? I know I’ll get over it eventually, but what do I do in the meantime?

    1. Jamie*

      I don’t know how helpful this will be, but when I would find myself attracted to people who weren’t appropriate I’d picture them doing something gross. Like eating one of the foods to which I have a phobic aversion. Or being mean to his mom.

      I can kill any romantic or sexual feeling instantly with that – it’s weird.

      But don’t beat yourself up over it. The definition of a crush is that it’s not really real. They can become real, but then it’s no longer a crush but a relationship.

      There is nothing wrong with thinking about someone in the “oh in another time and place this would be fun to pursue” kind of way. Kind of the same way I feel when I see a nice apartment and wistfully think of how nice it would be to live without the upkeep of a house or everyone’s else mess to clean up. If given the choice I’d panic at the thought of living without my family and their accompanies towels on the floor. It’s just an idealized fantasy.

      Personally, I don’t think it’s healthy to dwell on fantasies of people in real life – there is an element of danger to letting it take hold that isn’t there if it’s some celebrity you’ve never met. So I’m a starve a crush kinda girl, personally.

      In the meantime you can distract yourself by thinking of someone yummy but unattainable. Like Alex Van Halen – or Griffin O’Neal.

      And you all now officially know too much about me!

    2. Calla*

      I haven’t tried this, but I once heard that someone (a married woman) got rid of crushes being on their mind all the time by walking through if it really happened in her head — what would happen, what would it be like, etc. It never compared to her spouse, so that was that. Or focus on the bad stuff — was he smart but had really, really bad fashion sense? That kind of thing!

      And I think crushes (not just “ooh, they’re cute”) are normal and fine as long as they are not interfering with your (or their) relationship!

      1. Jamie*

        This is really good – because it’s so true that part of the appeal of crushes is you have the luxury of only focusing on the positive superficial aspects and can ignore the rest.

        You don’t have to deal with their used tissues they leave on the night stand when they have a cold, or the fact that they forgot to pay a ticket, or the times where they hurt your feelings by saying something crappy without thinking.

        I love my husband very much, but he is not perfect. But if he were just some guy I knew I’d have the most wicked crush on him because he’s freaking adorable.

        It’s the lack of complication that’s appealing. It’s the same reason workplace personality conflicts can be a pita – but they can’t break your heart a real conflict with someone you love. The deeper the relationship the more complicated it gets.

        When I first met my husband my heart would skip when I’d see his number on the caller id, or his name in my email. I’d get all flooded with happiness – Yay – he loves me, he’s thinking about me.

        I miss that, tbh. But it’s not because he doesn’t matter to me – it’s because I know he loves me until I hear otherwise and the more secure I am in that the less visceral my response is to affirmations of that.

        Sorry…tangent. No idea where I was going with this.

      4. Windchime*

        I picture him ignoring me while he plays video games and I clean house. Or of him stinking up the bathroom or telling me that the cat can’t sleep on the bed. Or of a really bad foot fungus. About 5 minutes of those kinds of thoughts and the crush is a little less crush-y.

    3. Christy*

      When I have a crush, I tell my partner and then enjoy the crush. Never get alone with the crush, but still enjoy the banter/interaction.

      1. Jamie*

        My husband is okay with my deep and abiding love of Alex Van Halen. He would not be okay if I felt that way about someone I actually knew.

        And I don’t want to know he’s ever had a thought in his life about a woman who wasn’t me. We both humor my delusion that I am and have always been the center of his universe – even before he met me. To do otherwise would result in a very sulky me.

        I always admire couples that can be open about that stuff. I’m just too…insecure, narcissistic, whatever…to be that healthy.

        1. Offtopic*

          I think that’s a little part of what’s bugging me. We are pretty open usually about people of hotness. As a red-blooded American male, he has the requisite pants-feelings for Kate Upton. And he’s perfectly fine when I admire real-life men-in-tights at the Ren Faire. As I said, I will likely never or rarely encounter the crush-guy again. He’s a service provider to my husband, so that’s how I met him. (And I think there’s a joke in there about the services he could provide to me, lol.) But I don’t want to mention it to my husband because I fear that would make their occasional, professional interactions uncomfortable.

          1. Persephone Mulberry*

            Honestly, I think keeping it to yourself is adding fuel to the fire, as it were, and I don’t think it’s going to make things as awkward for your husband as you think it will. Go ahead and tell hubby, “you know who’s really hot? That guy Dave you introduced me to that one time.” What’s hubby going to do, tell Dave?

            1. Offtopic*

              Thanks, I’ll consider this. It probably won’t hurt either that Dave’s wife is also pretty hot. Maybe we can crush on them together. :)

    4. some1*

      Distract yourself. If you catch yourself thinking about him do something else that you know you have to concentrate on. Read something, call a friend, watch TV, surf the internet. After awhile you’ll stop thinking about it.

    5. Queen Victoria*

      When I have a silly office crush, I view it through the same perspective as my dweeby middle school crushes. This means acknowledging it as a harmless fancy that will eventually pass. Another commenter also responded with this but if your partner wouldn’t mind hearing about it, it can also be nice to share with them. That way, you can both get a laugh out of it.

      This is a slightly different scenario, but I tell my partner about tv crushes I get and he thinks they’re hilarious (For any American Horror Story watchers, I had a crush on Dr. Thredson before his big character reveal. Whoops!).

      1. HappyLurker*

        Love this topic – it was fun and sweet to read!
        BTW, my old crush was cured after 15 years by friending them on facebook – :) boy how they changed!

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I had a bf who had a huge crush on Traci Bingham from Baywatch, and also on Melissa Gilbert from Little House on the Prairie. We agreed that if our celebrity crushes actually wanted to go out with us, we’d let the other one go out with them. It acknowledged the fantasy in a non-threatening way (and it was safe because that was never gonna happen!).

        I probably wouldn’t have liked it much if he said he had a crush on someone at work, but I would have at least been glad he told me.

        1. giggleloop*

          My husband and I did this, too — we each have a celebrity person that we have permission to sleep with if the opportunity ever arises. :)

          1. Tris Prior*

            Hell, Partner and I each have an entire “free pass list”!

            (“yes, honey, should Karen Gillan show up at our door demanding some action from you, go right ahead.”)

    6. Celeste*

      Google “fiery friends”. I couldn’t get the link to post here. It has advice about going forward when you’re attracted but nothing can come of it.

        1. Celeste*

          Crap crap crap–I should have said, google “fiery friends Will Meek”. He’s a psychologist whose blog is pretty good.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Relax and breathe–this is normal. Everybody has crushes. I like Jamie’s suggestion about picturing him doing gross things (picking his nose and wiping it on his pants, for example). I try to do stuff like that with celebrity crushes–though I rarely get them, they can be annoyingly persistent inside my head when I should be thinking about other things.

      LOL side note: that’s also how I keep from being nervous when I actually get to talk to people who are well-known.

    8. Grace*

      I’m a proponent of starving a crush, focusing on your spouse (that thing about “forsaking all others”), getting out of ruts/boredom.

  26. C average*

    This seems like an appropriately weird question for the open thread.

    My manager is a musician. She was in a very successful band in her native country a decade or so ago, and is still well-known there. She plays semi-regular solo gigs at small venues locally.

    She always invites members of our immediate team to her gigs, and several members of our team pretty much always go. (I know these things because there’s discussion of it around the office the day of and the day after.)

    I like my manager’s music and have enjoyed the couple of gigs I attended, but I’m not much of a going-out kind of person. I’m married with two youngish stepkids, I have a couple of demanding hobbies, and I tend to be an early-to-bed-early-to-rise kind of person.

    I sometimes get the vibe my manager takes it personally that I don’t come see her shows, even though I’ve gone out of my way to praise her music and explain that I don’t go out as a rule but that I like making the occasional exception to come see her play. There’s still weirdness, especially the day after a gig or when she sends out an invite on Facebook and I decline it.

    Any suggestions for making this subject go away permanently as a source of weirdness and tension around the office?

    2. College Career Counselor*

      Are you declining the invitation on facebook? By that, I mean, publicly saying “I can’t go?” My advice would be to ignore the FB invitation and do more of what you’re doing by complimenting the music you like or the occasional performance you do attend.

      1. C average*

        I usually decline the Facebook invites so they’ll stop appearing in my “Events” section. I always thought declining invites when I knew I wasn’t going was the appropriate thing to do from an etiquette standpoint, and it also keeps my calendar uncluttered. I’ve actually been off of Facebook for Lent and haven’t missed it a bit, so may delete my account permanently, which would at least make that aspect a non-issue.

        Thanks for the response!

        1. Stephanie*

          I deactivated my account temporarily (and inadvertently reactivated it when I logged into a different website) and was surprised that I didn’t miss it all that much.

        2. Jessica*

          I always thought declining invites when I knew I wasn’t going was the appropriate thing to do from an etiquette standpoint

          You would think! But I think when it’s come see me do this or come to this benefit sort of invite where they invite every single person on their friend list, it’s better to ignore if you’re not going.

          Now with a real party or get together among actual friends, I think declining if you can’t go is definitely the thoughtful thing to do.

          Also, I wish Facebook would have a separate “event” invite for things of this nature. I’m always wondering if people actually really want *me* specifically to come to something or if they just want warm bodies in seats. One starts to feel used after a while.

          Oh and feeling obliged to go to your boss’s musical shows sounds like a special kind of hell. I feel for you

        3. The Real Ash*

          You don’t have to decline an event to get it to stop showing up. There’s always that handy little “x” that will delete the invite without notifying the organizer; I use it all the time as I have a few friends who are in bands and are constantly inviting their entire friends lists to every. single. show.

    3. Kai*

      This is the kind of thing that I would obsess about too, but is it possible you’re overthinking it? If your manager is at all a reasonable person, she’ll appreciate that you’ve been out to see gigs a few times and have a lot of other demands on your time. I totally understand feeling weird about it, though.

    4. Brett*

      If she plays gigs that regularly at small venues, she probably has quite a bit of control over scheduling those gigs.

      Maybe ask her if she can schedule an occasional gig that fits your schedule better (e.g. early evening) so you can see her more often? If she can, then you have gigs that fit your schedule that are even partly scheduled just for you. If she can’t, she will at least know that you are really interested in seeing her.

    5. Befuddled Squirrel*

      You might be reading too much into her reaction. I’m a gigging musician. People often assume that I expect them to come to my shows, but the truth is that I understand that people have other things going on and not everyone likes the kind of music I play. All I hope for is a good sized crowd made up of nice people. I think most musicians who have been playing for a long time feel the same way.

      That said, hitting decline on a Facebook invite without saying anything could come across the wrong way. Either don’t respond at all or decline and post a comment saying you can’t make it.

      1. C average*

        Thanks–hearing from someone who shares her specific point of view really helps. If I do reactivate my Facebook, I’ll try to be more sensitive about declining these invites. And maybe I’ll spread the word to some of my friends who DO like to go out because, to your point, a good-sized crowd of nice people is really the end goal here.

    6. Random Reader*

      You could ask about her events the next morning. It shows that you care, even though you weren’t able to be there.

  27. De Minimis*

    I noticed when we were discussing government jobs last week that some of the commenters had said they worked for the State of Texas. If they are still out there, I’d like some info about their hiring process and how long it might take.

    Strongly considering a move there in the near future and that seems to be an area with a lot of jobs in my field [accounting] at my current career level. Just wondering about the overall process, how the interviews are done, and how long it might take. I’m also wondering if they might disqualify me just because I’m not local, or if they would do a phone interview. I am in a neighboring state so it’s not like I’m coming from halfway across the country.

    1. El Presidio*

      I don’t think they’ll disqualify for not being local-we’ve had a couple of people who we’ve hired from out of town, provided that they’re willing to relocate.

      For hiring timeframe, it really really depends on the HR processes. I’ve seen it take as little as 3 weeks from time of application receipt to offer, or in my case, it took a little under three and half months.

      What kind of agency were you looking at?

      1. De Minimis*

        I’ve only started to look, but right now I’ve been looking at their Health and Human Services agency. I’d be looking at accountant/budget analyst jobs. The specific agency isn’t too important, although my current job is working for an opdiv of the federal HHS so that would be the most logical starting point. Seems like there are quite a few jobs out there.

        We are trying to set things up to where we could leave in a month’s time if need be. What I do mainly depends on if my wife can find a position there….that is the main reason we’re wanting to relocate, there’s just not much opportunity here for her.

          1. El Presidio*

            Any time! If you have a good email addy, I’ll forward you some openings. I think we have a couple at my agency (not the HHS) and I’ll look around and see if I can find anything else.

  28. Anonforthis*

    How to you react to/deal with an employee or co-worker who is, for lack of a better term, “freaking out”? The Boss is on leave, and so it’s mostly me holding down the fort. Recently I had to communicate a change to some co-workers because it affected what they were doing *in the future*. It was really not freak-out worthy, just a change in process, and those kinds of things are not totally uncommon.

    My poor co-worker misinterpreted what was actually happening proceeded to have a bit of a meltdown, not so much about the change, but more about building frustration over communication, and some other unrelated things that occurred at the same time.

    I didn’t know what to say, other than to reassure her that all of the work she had just done would not be lost, and that I had no part in the decision to make the change or aware of prior discussion and wasn’t keeping her in the dark, and that I would work with her to make sure her group could finish their work and transition smoothly to another process. She was clearly just so frustrated and upset about general things, and I felt totally useless and like I wasn’t doing the right thing.

    She’s actually a great worker and apologized the next day. It’s not usual behavior for her, but I want to know how I best could have handled it. She’s was jumpy over this change, and having technical issues beyond our control has just magnified her worry that she is going to lose all of that work. It also didn’t help that the vendors haven’t been communicating changes at a level we needed them to communicate.

    It’s resolved now (I worked with her and the vendors to transition all of those files), but I feel like I could have done better in diffusing the freak-out part. What is the best way to react to and deal with these kinds of situations?

    1. LMW*

      I have no advice for you, but was coming to the open thread to day to post the same type of questions. We have a new boss, who has pretty much been traveling since she started two weeks ago. We’ve had almost no contact with her…but we’ve been on our own without a leader for quite a while now, so while it’s not ideal, I can’t blame her for getting her bearings before she starts meeting with us regularly or gets knee-deep in the details of our roles. We need to do some restructuring, and we’ve known a reorg was coming for about six months. There’s no new or shocking development in that area.
      My coworkers are choosing now as a time to freak out. It’s driving me nuts. I’m sick of having to be the level headed one constantly saying “I know how you feel, but….” One of my coworkers even got made at me for saying I had a good initial meeting with the new boss (Hers was not great, one of the directors wasn’t happy with his. “How was yours?” “Mine was actually okay, but that’s probably because I have the most specific role on the team.” “Well, thanks a lot! Now I feel horrible.”) The negativity is really starting to get to me. I like my job, I like my company, and usually I’m on good terms with my team.
      So I’ll echo Anonforthis: How do you react to and deal with this type of situation?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am not sure there is anything you can do. I guess the first thing I would look at is do these folks actually want help in calming down or would they prefer to freak out?
        Can’t help someone who does not want help.
        The next thing I would consider is to check to see if there was something specific I could help them with.

        I know I would not be happy if I did not hear from my boss for two weeks. Perhaps you can send her an email and say that people are getting concerned about the reorg, etc. And ask her when she might be able to touch base with the group? Or maybe you can encourage them to pull together a couple questions and email her themselves.

    1. H. Rawr*

      Not usually. COBRA allows you to continue your coverage on the company’s group plan, so if there’s no plan anymore, there’s nothing to be continued. In those situations usually there is a conversion policy offered directly from the insurer but it’s probably beneficial to shop around if you’re offered one.

      But, losing your coverage from your job will also count as a “qualifying event” to shop for a policy through healthcare.gov and see if you can get a subsidy, which you may well be able to do if you find yourself without income.

      Best of luck if this is a situation you’re facing.

      1. CTO*

        At least in my state, the insurance exchange health plans are usually WAY cheaper than COBRA anyway, even if you don’t qualify for financial assistance. But people should know that if they accept COBRA, then they can’t enroll in an exchange plan instead until their COBRA runs out or open enrollment comes around again. Quitting COBRA voluntarily (even because it’s too expensive) is not a “qualifying life event.”

        (Certified insurance exchange navigator here.)

        1. H. Rawr*

          You know, I’ve been wondering exactly how the COBRA qualifying periods worked in relation to the exchange. But the annual open enrollment an option after COBRA has been elected? I have seasonal employees who work April-October and qualify for the subsidy in the off season, but they’re not super thrilled about the idea of basically three running deductibles during a calendar year, so it was on my list to look into that for them (maybe they take the COBRA in the last few months of the year and then the subsidized policy off the exchange in the first few months of the year).

          1. CTO*

            My state’s exchange, at least, has experts on staff specifically to help small businesses explore their options. Maybe that could be a resource for you.

            From what I understand about my state, anyone can drop COBRA (or other insurance) and choose other coverage during the annual open enrollment period for any reason.

  31. thenoiseinspace*

    I’ve asked this question before, but it didn’t get many responses, so I’m trying again.

    Creatives: any tips on online portfolios? I’ve set mine up and it seems…fine. Maybe good. But I want to to be great.

    How do you build an awesome portfolio? I’ve got the work and I’m really proud of it, so I just need a great way to show it. How many pieces do you have, do you include a photo of yourself, how much contact info do you list, etc?

    1. esra*

      For me (graphic design/illustrator), a great portfolio is all about the work. Big, good quality pictures, ideally photos of the work and not just digital comps. I’ve seen a few designers pull off complex designs well, but more often than not it just looks cluttered. So I tend to go with really minimal site design.

      People want to see the work above all else, so that’s what I try to showcase. Honestly, I don’t even have an about page let alone a photo. My work is there, a link to my resume + social media, and a contact link.

      1. thenoiseinspace*

        Yeah, I’ve finally managed to get copies of pdfs of my published articles so the work itself will be more impressive – now I’m just looking for a way to display it that looks professional. And I’m glad to hear that about the photo – I’ve currently got one on my site because I found so many sites recommending it, but I just feel like it’s out of place. What good can come of it, really?

    2. StaminaTea*

      When I was setting mine up, I googled other people’s portfolios to get ideas. Like I’m angling for instructional design now – so I googled “instructional designer portfolio” and found lots of great stuff (and not so great stuff). I bought a domain name and bought a WordPress portfolio template that I really liked and installed it. It looks really slick and there’s no ads, and it comes up when you google me. As far as contact info, I set up a gmail and google voice number just for my website that redirect to me, so I can change them if they get spammed.

      1. thenoiseinspace*

        Mine is on WordPress too, and I’ve been trying to make it look sleek, but I think I’m totally failing. What theme do you run, if you don’t mind my asking?

        One of my problems is that I haven’t found any writer portfolios that I really liked – even in those “top ten best portfolio” lists, most of them seemed only average.

          2. thenoiseinspace*

            ooh, pretty! I’ve been using a free theme (I’m poor) but it may be time to spring for something nice. And $30 is a great price…

            Thank you for sharing!

    3. anon-2*

      Copyright it.

      Even watermark it.

      That way someone can’t rip off your work, or, at least you can go after them if they do.

  32. FarFromBreton*

    I asked on a recent open thread if I should try to leave my flailing organization, and a bunch of commenters and Alison told me I should because it was likely doomed anyway. Well, I kept trying to make things work for a few weeks, but then I finally quit! Not because I had another job lined up, but because I gave the board an ultimatum to contain the ED so that I could do my job (and not be made physically sick from having to deal with her nonsense) or I would leave. Most of our board then abruptly quit. Since they were the only hope I had of making my job doable, I quit a few days later. I didn’t actually give a full 2 weeks’ notice, since the ED has a history of trying to withhold pay from people she’s angry at. I didn’t have a job lined up, but I am so happy not to have to deal with the ED anymore! My now-former coworker showed me a recent email from her, and even though half of her organization has quit, she’s pretending that everything is great and that all of the recent problems were caused by the people who left, not her. Now I can just laugh ruefully at her antics instead of stressing out about them.

    1. esra*

      It’s crazy how, once you leave, the things that used to stress you out so much just become funny. Once it’s not your problem anymore, you can step back from it and see how ridiculous it is/was.

      1. Stephanie*

        Tragedy+time=comedy.

        The absurdness of FirstJob is hilarious now that I’m not there anymore, but at the time, it was pretty awful.

      2. FarFromBreton*

        Thanks, everyone. Unfortunately, my poor coworker is still stuck in the organization for now (she can’t afford to jump ship without another income waiting), but at least now I can let her vent without worrying that I’m being unprofessional or making morale worse.

        @alfie Yeah, it wasn’t my most-desired outcome, but on the plus side it meant that I could stop struggling to save everything and just leave.

    2. alfie*

      Good for you! And scary when the board all quit!! You are better off. I hope you find the next thing soon.

  33. De Minimis*

    I forgot to mention, I had an AAM dream earlier this week!

    I dreamt that Alison was declaring an emergency because she’d ran out of questions to answer, and people were scrambling to come up with material for the site.

  34. Midge*

    I’m looking for some words of encouragement this morning. I’ve been temping in my office for several months, and they are about to hire me full time. Someone recently made the comment to me that I must be so happy, because this is the kind of job I’ve been wanting for a while … but I’m not.

    I’ve been so much more stressed out since they started training me for this new job. It’s about 80%-90% administrative, 10%-20% the kind of work I actually want to be doing. I know I need to pay my dues to advance to something better, but that point feels so far away right now. Anything I can tell myself to feel happier about this transition?

    2. Sunflower*

      It’s important to fill your outside life with things you enjoy. If you have stuff to look forward to when you leave work, it can make it a lot easier to go everyday. It might also help to try to get some volunteer experience doing the stuff you really want to do

      1. Midge*

        That’s a good idea. I do make time for a structured hobby, but I haven’t been planning a lot of other fun things lately. I also just changed my monitor background to a picture of where I’ll be going on vacation soon, which is making my space a little nicer.

        1. Sunflower*

          Ha it’s funny because I just got a new computer and decided to actually put a background on it- I usually use keep whatever is on there- and I changed it to a beach I often visit and I love it!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Can you start planning your next transition? Am thinking of outlining a plan on your personal computer- where you put in each step of what you need to do to get to the level you want to be at? (I would want to do it on the computer- not paper- because I would need to be able to add unforeseen steps as I mapped this out.)

      Also try to figure out ways to maximize where you are at now. How can you get the most out of the experience?

    4. kas*

      The second paragraph has definitely been my issue. I’ve been applying to entry-level positions which mostly all include administrative work.

      I’ve done administrative work before in addition to what I would like to do career-wise and hated it. There have been quite a few positions I would love to apply to but because of the admin duties, I end up just passing on the position.

      I tend to think of the outcome to help myself get over things. For example, I bought a new pair of shoes that turned out to be super painful. I was out and couldn’t change and it took everything in me to walk properly. Thinking of how much closer I was to going home and removing the shoes helped lessen the pain a bit, at least in my mind. Maybe thinking of where you’d like to be/what duties you would like to have will help you as you know the admin stuff will only be temporary. It’s helped me in the past ..

  35. Agile Phalanges*

    I just wanted to post about my experience with interviewing with a government agency. It’s for a position in accounting at the local county sheriff’s department.

    It didn’t start off too auspiciously–they sent an automated e-mail that sounded VERY strict about how I’d have to sign up for an appointment for a written test followed by an oral interview, and I’d have to sign up for a slot by a certain day, and the appointments were first-come-first-served. Even though I had just received a verbal offer from a company, I went ahead and did so (because I know to keep moving on until there’s a written, agreed-upon offer), and it’s a good thing, because I STILL haven’t heard back on that offer. Weird.

    Anyway, I logged into the website and selected an appointment, and the website also had really strict regimented language, keeping up with my expectations due to posts I’ve read here about people’s experiences with government hiring.

    I showed up for the interview about 10 minutes early, but wasn’t sure which door to go in, so I went ahead and headed toward the most likely door even though it was 10 till, not 5 till, and that worked out well because they sent me to a different door. Oh, and the building is secure and this was just before the doors opened, so luckily someone saw me and opened the door to tell me that, because they were all locked.

    Once I got to the right location, they didn’t keep me waiting long, and ushered me into a private office (unused by anyone–just a computer, 10-key calculator and some pencils and a pen on the desk) to take the written test. I was expecting a “written” test on a computer, maybe something about Excel skills, or multiple choice accounting questions or something, but it was literally written. The woman administering the test handed me a folder and read a paragraph of (standardized for everyone to hear the exact same thing) instructions.

    When she left, I opened the folder and it was just two questions, basically story problems. In the first, I was supposed to pretend it was my first day, and the incumbent was leaving in a week, and using the financial details they provided me, I was supposed to say what I would want to be sure to ask the incumbent about. The second problem was assuming I was a month into the job, and asked me to read a budget variance spreadsheet and predict whether the department would come in under or over budget and support that.

    Fine, no biggie. I guess what I didn’t anticipate is that I’d then orally present my answers to the panel (four people, in fact four older white men–I’m a young-ish white woman; this is a very white town, though, so that part didn’t surprise me much, but some variety in age and gender would be nice). They allowed me 15 minutes and said to watch my own time. I came in under 5–I hope that’s not a bad thing. They had a couple follow-up questions based on my responses (including one that revealed that the incumbent is already gone, so I’m not sure why they had an exercise that assumed you’d have a week to spend with them).

    Then they told me they had some questions for me, and that they were allotting 35 minutes for this portion, and again, I’d be responsible for staying on time. However, they didn’t tell me how MANY questions they had, but when I had 15 minutes left, I checked and there were only a couple more, so I did fine in that regard.

    What surprised me was that they didn’t have any weird questions like what kind of tree I’d be, nor did they ask my biggest weakness (or strength)–they were all straightforward accounting-related questions, though some were pretty basic. What was awesome was that nearly all of them played into an accomplishment on my resume, so I was able to give (what I thought were) great examples of how I’ve actually dealt with a given situation or concept or type of report. Oh, that was another thing–they weren’t “tell me about a time when” questions, they were “how would you” questions. But like I said, I was able to use a “time when I” did whatever for a lot of them anyway.

    Then they actually allowed me to ask some questions, which I didn’t figure would happen in a first round goverment department interview, so I asked a few, including Alison’s “magic” question (they weren’t impressed), and we started wrapping up.

    I asked what the next steps were (and implied, or I’d follow up with asking and when), and they said, “Well, we’re going to meet with all the candidates [duh], then meet together to discuss them [again, duh], and then we’ll contact each person to let them know next steps, but we don’t know when that will be.” Wow, thanks for that oh-so-helpful answer. Heh.

    THEN they told me that they were offering a tour of the jail to candidates (oh, did I mention that the written test and interview were in the admin area for the jail, through a door marked jail, but just a few steps and a “sally port” away from the inmates?) at noon (the interview finished at 10). Well, it would have been nice to know that sooner, but luckily I’m job-searching with my employer’s blessing, so I just went home for the couple hours in between (the jail is closer to my house than my work) and went back for the tour. Boy, that’s an experience. I’d never been in a jail/prison for any reason before, and hope to not be on the wrong side of things if I ever am again. :-)

    A co-worker of mine also applied (for the same position) and went through the same process, just a day later, so it was fun comparing notes with him after, though he thought the process was dumb and onerous. I’d seen enough here to know that what we went through was actually pretty humane. Though we’ll see how long we have to wait to hear anything (if ever). And neither of us know whether there’s any further steps or if they’re going to make an offer based on that test and <1 hour interview.

    1. De Minimis*

      That doesn’t sound too terrible. I’ve had worse experiences interviewing for county jobs. In my case, they were always pretty slow to send out rejection letters, but they eventually would.

      If you had specific things you could point to in answering their questions, I’d say that’s way ahead of many people.

      I am another person who has not had much success with the “magic question,” and I really haven’t seen it work when interviewing for government jobs. I keep trying to think of ways to reframe it to where it might be valuable, but haven’t been able to do it yet.

    2. Brett*

      Positions under an elected Sheriff often fit into a weird spot in local government because they may not be required to operate on a pure merit system and can do their hiring outside county government processes. Sometimes they are even patronage positions (especially deputies). Your process actually resembled a civil service process more than a merit process, even though your position sounds like a merit position. Public safety really likes using civil service process for professional merit positions.

      Civil service have defined systems of hiring and advancement, often through testing. Merit advances on individual merit, but without the defined examinations system. Patronage serves at the discretion of the elected official and does not have to have any basis in merit, though often patronage employees are the most talented since they can be recruited and offered higher pay than the merit system allows.

      Your position is almost certainly merit, but it would be good to know for sure. One huge problem with patronage positions is that a new elected Sheriff might clean house of patronage employees (they cannot do that with merit or civil service employees).

    3. Brett*

      On the magic question…
      I think for government, one problem is that often times the interviewer have only known one person in that position. And the interviewer had no clear guide or comparison of how successful that person was.
      FTE counts are applied very strictly in local government, so most positions never scale up or down and that person you are replacing might have been the only person to do that work for the last 10-20 years.

      1. De Minimis*

        I actually haven’t been able to use it on private sector jobs either.
        I’m wondering if it’s just not a question that really works well in my field, which is not known for creative thinking. It just seems to result in blank stares most of the time.

      2. The Real Ash*

        I used it in the interview for my current position (local government) and the interviewers were very impressed. So impressed in fact that they clearly didn’t know what to say and didn’t actually give me a response at all… But they liked the question at least?

        1. De Minimis*

          With that question it’s not so much about the answer…if they’re impressed that means the question has served its purpose.

          I guess it is also useful even when the interviewer is befuddled or doesn’t seem to appreciate the question, because that can give you good information too.

        2. Agile Phalanges*

          Yeah, I used it in the internal interview for my current position, and he ate it up. But maybe the thing about the government process is they try really hard to at least appear impartial, so kept straight faces whether they were impressed, mocking, or otherwise.

          1. De Minimis*

            This is quite possible, I’ve had interviews where they were very strict about the interviewers not being allowed to say anything beyond asking the pre-selected questions.

  36. SaraV*

    So I just discovered recently that the general manager I reported to two jobs/six years ago no longer works there. The current general manager was the sales manager while I was there, and someone I’m actually comfortable with having prospective employers talk to. (Not necessarily as a reference, but work habits/ethics)

    Sooo…the question is…how do I fill out those wonderful online applications where it asks who your supervisor was? Who my actual supervisor was, or the current general manager?

    1. SD Cat*

      From what you’re saying, if they ask specifically for your supervisor, you should probably put down your supervisor’s name rather than the current person in that position (Do you have current contact information for them?).

      1. SaraV*

        My former GM is still with the company, same position/title, just at a different site in a different state.

  37. Zombie Bait*

    Post termination issue here. About three months ago I was terminated suddenly without cause by Old Job. Through the grapevine I learned it was because one upper management person did not like me. My measurable outcomes were excellent, two previous employee reviews were positive, I got along well with my immediate team and had no attendance problems. The point I’m trying to make is that in every measurable and logical way an employee aught to be evaluated, I was a valuable asset. This has been confirmed by coworkers after my termination. And now to the issue. I now have my New Job and am working hard at excelling in it. New Management is treating me well and provides friendly and clear guidance. They say I am doing well. However, I am paranoid of being suddenly terminated again. Every day I’m afraid of commiting some small error and management becoming radically offended. How do I deal with what happened and relax in this (presumably) logical New Job Environment?

    1. J.B.*

      If your new manager is a decent person any chance of cluing her/him into this issue? Just generally? Otherwise time is probably the only thing that will help – if there was nothing you could see coming, you can’t really look for particular signs. Also continuing to get clarity on your responsibilities and how you’re doing might help you feel more confident in yourself.

      That sounds really tough.

      1. Zombie Bait*

        Thanks for the suggestions. It is hard because there were no warning signs. Just a request to come up to the office and I was terminated on the spot without cause. What I’ve learned from this is that I can do a damned excellent job and still be terminated for no good reason. It’s demoralizing. I hope time and more data about Good New Management will help me relax. It will take a very long time though. If ever. I was at Old Job for almost two years. :(

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      This is very much like being the victim of a crime — it reminds us that we are vulnerable, and can lead to an unreasonable fear that it will happen again. I say unreasonable because it sounds like you have no reason to worry, and in fact there was nothing you probably could have (or at least should have) done to keep from being fired at OldJob.

      Everyone is different, but what would work for me in such a situation is to imagine the manager who created the problem throwing a tantrum like a toddler, and in a baby voice protesting about me. It’s laughable, really, because you are obviously good enough to find work again, and at a place with a much better work culture/ethos. A manager like that probably couldn’t get a job with your current company if they act out unprofessionally like they did.

      So try to think of it as a silly, childish person who threw a tantrum, and in doing so maybe did you a favor by getting you out of a company where that kind of thing is acceptable or maybe even common, and into a company where you will be appreciated.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Can you discretely find out if New Job has a history of that behavior?
      Is there a policy manual that you can skim through to see if there are procedures for dismissal?

      Maybe the easiest thing to do is mention to the boss that you really like your new job and stress that you want inputs so that you can become a valuable employee. Or something to that effect that lets the boss know you want the lines of communication wide open.

  38. Ash (the other one!)*

    Curious as to people’s thoughts about “years of experience” and reverse age discrimination in determining titles, salaries, etc.

    I had an amazing boss in my last job who gave me a chance at a leadership position straight out of grad school. I thrived in that position, won a prominent award for my work and was well respected by the broad field. After he left and new leadership came in (who was threatened by the fact that at 27 I was doing all of this work, had a PhD and was more well-known than he was) I had to leave. I went on to a non-profit where I am leading a program, but they refuse to give me the title that matches (Manager vs. Director) because of my “lack of years of experience.” I am miserable at this job for many reasons but am shocked at this bias not towards my ability and success at my job, but by how many years I’ve been in the workforce. To me this is reverse age discrimination.

    I interviewed for a position with a recruiter this week who looked at my year of graduation from college (about 8 years ago, went to grad school straight after) and said since it was only that long ago, I would only qualify for a certain level which would have a salary less than I currently make. Now I’m all for standardized pay scales, but this just seems arbitrary. Why is everything based on the number of years I’ve been working rather than my success at those jobs and prominence in the field?

    I really truly don’t get it. I am at the point where I feel both underqualified and overqualified for most positions, realize that if I leave my job I will likely have to take a substantial pay cut, and I just don’t get it. Why should my age outweigh my skills, prominence, and success?

    1. Kevin*

      There is generally an assumption that there are certain things come with experience and can only come from experience. That being said part of that is a track record of success, which while it appears you have some of what they might be looking for, they might want more of a track record with the positions you want.

      This is going to come off as extremely rude and I apologize but your tone has a bit of arrogance and wondering why you can’t start at the top. Do you think your overqualified because of your PhD? Work experience is usually what moves someone up the chain.

      1. Ash (the other one!)*

        The issue for me is I’ve already had a leadership position that was high visibility, fast paced, and high pressure and I thrived. I ran the initiative, managed the people around me, and led the vision for this particular project for 3 years and was praised by the most senior folks at my organization. Was I surprised to be thrust in such a role so early in my career? Yes. But now moving into a position more in line with “years of experience” rather than what I’ve actually done and accomplished seems to be moving backwards. Perhaps I’m arrogant about this, but its highly frustrating that my success cannot speak for itself. (as a side note, what’s even more frustrating is my current org likes to promote the fact I was in the role I was before I started there, knows the value of what I did, but still won’t give me the title that actually matches what I do. Nothing in my job would actually change with the title change.)

        1. lindsay j*

          Maybe try applying at smaller orgs, which are less likely to be held to strict hiring processes and salary bands and more likely to judge your candidacy based on your individual accomplishments and attributes than on years of experience.

    2. OriginalYup*

      Number of years experience in a particular role is a very common framework for titles: 2 years experience required for associate, 5 years experience required for manager, 10 years experience required for director, and so forth. So a qualified person who shows up with X years will fall into Y category regardless of their age, because applicants who are 25, 35, 44, or 55 could all have the same number of years experience in Thing X. So to my thinking, that’s not a clearcut age bias.

      Because what the employer might be requiring is a certain minimum number of work cycles on a certain thing, with years of experience as a proxy for number of cycles. For example, if you were an accountant and applying for a job that requires doing monthly closes as part of your work, the “four years experience” is that employer requiring a candidate with experience in 48 cycles of closing. If you only have two years of experience but can demonstrate that you’ve completed 48 cycles because of handling multiple departments or dual businesses or something, then you’re still in play. But just stating that you’ve had great success with the 24 cycles you *have* completed won’t fly.

    3. Kate*

      Speaking both as someone your age and as a recruiter who handles compensation:

      At most organizations, titles and salaries are based on factors that are measurable and proven. Years of relevant work experience is the most common factor, as OriginalYup explains well. How valuable do you think skills, prominence and success are? How would you calculate that into a salary? Most organizations would rather determine title and salary based on education and experience, and then promote based on your success at THEIR organization. The standardized pay scale you refer to isn’t arbitrary. Arbitrary is asking managers to come up with a dollar number for a new employee’s prominence.

      To approach it from a different angle– Presumably, you want to work at top organizations. Top organizations hire the best people. The best people are as skilled, prominent, and successful as you are. They’re also bringing intangibles to the table that aren’t factored into a salary calc. That’s why it’s fair to assign starting salaries and titles based on education and experience, and then reward based on performance.

  39. Agile Phalanges*

    Okay, I just wrote a novel, but alluded to this and want to vent. I’ve seen Alison and commenters here saying PLENTY of times that employer time is not the same as candidate time, and now that I’m on the other side of it, I can totally see how frustrating it is!

    I had an interview on a Friday afternoon, and then the next Thursday afternoon (six days later), the HR person called me with a verbal offer. It was quite a bit lower than the number we’d all been talking about all along, so I said I’d have to think about it, but asked whether, if I accepted that salary, they could add a few PTO days to the pot. She said she didn’t think it would be a problem, but didn’t want to just agree to that without talking to the hiring manager, and so she’d try to catch her tonight, but otherwise in the morning, and would get back to me that same night or in the morning.

    No word on Friday, no word on Monday, no word on Tuesday, so late in the day on Tuesday, I sent a follow-up e-mail. She replied right away and said that she was actually trying to talk to the owner, who had been busy with an acquisition, but she would do her best to get back to me the next day.

    No word Wednesday, no word Thursday, no word Friday, no word Monday, so Monday afternoon, I called, didn’t reach her, and left a voicemail. No word Tuesday, no word Wednesday, no word Thursday, and it’s now Friday.

    I’m debating sending an e-mail today (since it’s now been 10 days since I last had a reply), but don’t want to tick her off. Also wondering if I should reach out to the hiring manager, but all the contact since the interview has been with HR (and in fact the interview was with potential peers followed by HR, so I haven’t spoken with the HM since the first interview).

    Oh well. Nothing I can do but wait, I guess.

    1. Bryan*

      If all of your contact has been with HR I would stick with HR. I would maybe send an email next monday or tuesday. If you do it monday don’t’ do it first thing, give HR a chance to get settled into their to do list as you might be on it.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      It IS frustrating! I guess that’s why we’re supposed to keep looking; not only in case nothing happens, but to keep us busy until something does.

      Aside, I like your username.

    3. Agile Phalanges*

      Well, I e-mailed a little while ago, got an out-of-office message, but then got an actual response. She says she left me a message on my phone a week ago today, but I don’t have any missed calls or voicemails, so I’m not sure what happened there.

      Bottom line, though, is that they decided they couldn’t offer me the additional PTO. I’m not sure whether the phantom voicemail offered me the chance to take it or leave it with the original offer, but the e-mail today just said they’re rescinding the offer and if I change my mind on my salary or PTO requirements, to let them know and they’ll keep me in mind for future positions (but clearly they’ve already filled the current one).

      Well that sucks, and it reminds me of all the discussion of that professor who asked for the moon and had the offer rescinded. I was caught off guard by an oral offer that was 10% less than the number we’d all (me, HM, HR) discussed and neither of them batted an eye at, and simply ASKED for a concession on their part, but was not rude or insistant. In fact, the HR person said that it sounded reasonable to her but she wanted to check with the HM first.

      Whatever, it’s water under the bridge. I sent a brief e-mail back explaining that I hadn’t gotten the earlier VM and that I was disappointed at the rescinded offer but still interested in their company (though now there’s a huge red flag, of course, because of how they handled this), blah blah blah.

      Oh well…we’ll see what happens with the county job, and I’ll keep applying for others.

      And Elizabeth–thank you! I thought of it back when I was doing medical transcription, because it describes my nimble fingers in a medical way, and have used it occasionally ever since.

      1. Agile Phalanges*

        One more vent, different job prospect–I found a job posting that sounded good, and tweaked my resume accordingly and wrote out a thoughtful cover letter, as you do (if you’re an AAM reader), and was pleasantly surprised when the online application process only seemed to involved asking for my name and e-mail address, and for me to upload my resume and cover letter. Boom, done!

        Or so I thought. It took me to a second page that had a battery of questions about working in government, which I haven’t done (yet–applied to that job at the sheriff’s office, but can’t really count that as experience, you know?), and then at the bottom, it said “Government experience is required for this position, please tell us a bit about your experience” or whatever. Um, no. I went back and looked, and the job description said government experience was “desirable.” That was their word. And to me, that word means they’d LIKE it, but it’s not REQUIRED. Right? Aargh! I’d spend an hour or so on my materials, apparently for nothing. But you know what? I typed in that I don’t have experience, but am a fast learner, and hit submit anyway. What’s the harm, right?

  40. LanaK*

    Hi all! I have been applying for a new position for about 4 months now, and interviewers keep questioning my commute. I recently moved outside of the city, and realistically any job is going to be a 45-60 minute commute. I knew this, and took it into account before we decided to move. I understand why employers would be concerned about this, but it isn’t something that has been an issue at my current job. I plan for the commute and delays accordingly (and have actually become more punctual as a result), and I truly do not mind the length of the commute at all. How do I address their concerns in the interview? Usually, I just say that the commute would be similar to what I am doing now, and that it is not a problem, but I still sense some hesitation and incredulity in them after I respond. Any advice to sound more convincing in my answer? Thanks!

    1. College Career Counselor*

      You could say a version of what you just said here. That you plan for delays appropriately, and as a result you are a punctual employee and do not anticipate that this will change. You could also say that you use your commute time to unwind/listen to books on tape/whatever, so you actually prefer the time to ‘switch gears’ between work and home. Others may have a different take, however!

      1. Eba*

        I ran into the same thing with my new job – and I used all the reasons the previous poster said. And I work there now, so they were clearly not put off by it!

    2. Joie de Vivre*

      Can you expand on the reasons you don’t mind the commute?

      “It’s similar to what I’m doing now. I really don’t mind the commute as the windshield time has given me the opportunity to listen to audio books, work on my second language, catch up on phone calls, mentally transition from work to family etc. etc. etc….. “

    3. Bea W*

      That’s a pretty normal commute time here and for many major cities (45 min is actually on the short side in some places!). That question wouldn’t even come up. I don’t have any advice here. Almost everyone I work with has a 60+ minute commute.

      1. Jen RO*

        Yeah, I was wondering about that. It takes me 40-45 minutes to get to work, and I don’t even live outside the city.

    4. Bonnie*

      Commute expectations can be regional. Where I grew up most people lived 15-20 minutes from where they worked. Driving 45-60 minutes would be considered odd and might lead to a question like couldn’t you find anything closer? It is also possible that they have had employees move out of the city and then chose to change jobs and then say it was for a shorter commute time. They may just not be able to imagine it. But I think you did the right thing in telling them that you are already dealing with a commute of that length to let them know it won’t be a factor in your decision.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      “I am concerned you are hesitant on this point. I understand that not everyone does this, so this is a little unusual. If you have specific concerns about my commute, I would like for us to talk about that.”

  41. AmyNYC*

    NON-WORK RELATED: I’m nearing the end of my lease and will not be renewing with my current roommate (for various reasons I’ve mentioned here in the past).
    In theory, he seems like a great roommate – he’s got a steady well-paying job, he’s polite and sociable, loves to cook, active in the community and works long hours.
    In practice, he’s terrible with his money (he’s been late on rent twice in a year – but always has new clothes), disgustingly messy, loud at all hours, constantly has friends from out of town using the couch as a hotel and is overall just inconsiderate.
    As we go our separate ways, he’s been talking about moving in with some mutual friends. Should I warn his potential roommates about his less than desirable nature? On one hand, I wish I had know this before, on the other it seems like something straight out of reality TV.

    TL/DR: my roommate sucks, should I warn his potential next roommate?

    1. Celeste*

      All you have to do is say to them, gosh I’m glad to be done rooming with him, and wait to see if they ask for details. Maybe they like him enough that they won’t care (after all he does pay eventually), or maybe they will be able to get him to shape up.

    2. SimpleeInspired*

      It depends on how well you know the potential roommate. If it’s a very close friend of yours and you know that they’ll be just as annoyed with him as you were then I say go ahead. Otherwise, I’d advise you not to say anything for multiple reasons.
      1. What annoyed you might not be that big of a deal to them.
      2. What you say can get around and that might damage your reputation and burn bridges.

    3. Calla*

      Since they’re mutual friends, I think this is something you can mention if it comes up (they tell you they’re going to be his roommate, they ask what he’s like, etc), or if you know it would be a major problem for specific reasons (he doesn’t pay his part of the bills on time, meaning you have to pay and he doesn’t pay you back, which sounds likely given the rent thing; one of them really needs quiet hours at night; etc). Or, slip in YOUR gripes in casual conversation! “I’m so tired, Joe had a bunch of friends crashing on the couch and they played video games at full blast until 2am.”

      Obviously, just don’t be like “OMG I heard you’re moving in with Joe, are you crazy? He’s a slob!” because THEN you might get into reality TV territory :)

    4. Sunflower*

      I’m kind of shocked none of the mutual friends have asked how you like living with him- esp since you are not renewing the lease with him. I would mention how you liked living with him if someone starts talking about how they might move in with him. Some people might not think it’s a huge deal if you’re late on rent or messy or have 100 people over. I would do it casually and not sound like you are discouraging it though

      1. AmyNYC*

        I’ll be moving in with my boyfriend, so it’s not a big dramatic I CANNOT LIVE WITH YOU thing

        1. Midge*

          Even so, I have to agree with Sunflower. No one is even curious? My roommate experiences in college taught me that someone could be a great friend, but a not-so-great roommate. If there was a way to get some insider perspective ahead of time, I would definitely take advantage of that!

    5. LBK*

      I think it would be worth giving them a very light heads up – not a long, negative rant, but a very gentle and polite-as-possible nudge that his habits at home may not be what’s expected based on their social interactions with him, with a non-emotional description of the situation/events that have occurred.

      I got this kind of nudge from someone when she saw me discussing moving in with a mutual friend on Facebook, and I appreciated it. She didn’t trash the person, but she let me know that they’d had some disagreements about keeping mutual areas clean and dividing up other chores while living together. Just enough info for me to take into consideration if those things would bother me, which ultimately I decided they didn’t and I would be fine living with her, but I was happy I knew that going into it.

      TL/DR: tell your mutual friends in as nice a way as possible and let them decide if they’re still okay living with the person knowing what you’ve dealt with.

    7. LMW*

      I wouldn’t phrase it as negatives at all. I’ve done this in the past when a mutual friend was moving in with a former roommate who was still a friend too. I went the humor route and said something like “We were a bit of an odd couple. I’m a little too neat and an early bird and like to have quiet time alone at home – and you know D, she’s a social butterfly and night owl and doesn’t sweat the small stuff, like dishes and vaccuuming. I’m glad we get to go back to just being friends since we were not an ideal roomie match, even though we are individually awesome.”
      Or something like that.

    8. annie*

      Yes, especially about the late on rent issue, since landlords will often expect the other roommate to pay the entire rent due, which can affect your credit score or even get you evicted. I got warned about someone years ago, did not room with them, and am so glad I had the warning.

    9. AmyNYC*

      Thanks for all the advice! The new potential roommate is more of a casual friend, so I’ll mention being happy to move next time I see them and if they ask for more info present the facts as unbiasedly as possible.

    10. Mints*

      I think you should definitely definitely tell them he was late on rent. The messy things, I’d maybe say as a joke, but only if asked.
      But missing rent is a huge deal. I’d be panicking and stretching my budget that far would cause me anxiety. I think you should tell your friends that they might need to plan for that

        1. AmyNYC*

          Thankfully it’s never been that bad, he pays it within a week. One notable time he put a Post-It on his check asking our landlord to please not cash it until Friday :/

  42. Who Are You?*

    Love the picture! Reminded me that I need to start actively looking for sturdy fabric with pictures of goats on it. My daughter asked me to make her a Totes M’ Goats tote bag. LOL! :)

  43. krm*

    I have a coworker who is new to the industry (she has been with my company for almost a year, and this is her first job in this particular industry). The way our organization is structured, we both report to the same managers, but we are considered equal on the org chart. In order to do my job, I rely on her to set up files in a specific way, depending on the situation (I know this is vague, but I don’t want to get in to too many details, as I have friends and coworkers who read this). The problem I am having is that she is not doing this well. If something doesn’t meet a pre-defined set of criteria, she doesn’t know what to do with it. She doesn’t understand our industry enough to be able to fill in the blanks and figure out how to set up and categorize the file. She has been given a lot of formal training, and I’ve tried giving her “cheat sheets”, I’ve tried addressing specific situations as they come up, but I’m at a loss as to how to help her improve. I spend a lot of time correcting her mistakes, and my deliverables suffer as a result. I know she feels like I am nitpicking, but I really do need things to be done correctly. I don’t want to go to our manager and tell him that she isn’t doing her job well, but I am at the point that I feel like that might need to happen. I’ve also suggested on a few occasions that she sit in my department for a day or two just to see what happens to the file after she hands it off. I thought that maybe that would help her understand why I need things done a specific way, and that taking a more holistic approach might help her know how to fill in the banks when things don’t fit in a neat little box. Any suggestions on how to implement these changes? I’m not her manager, so I can’t force it to happen. Our manager agrees it is a good idea, but doesn’t back me up when my coworker doesn’t follow through. I’m really trying very hard to keep a positive attitude in regards to my coworker. I know she isn’t trying to make my job harder, but it is very difficult! We are coming in to our busy season, and I don’t want to lose my temper with her. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to handle this.

    1. Sunflower*

      Why do you think she isn’t picking things up? Do you think she just doesn’t care or do you think she doesn’t have enough experience for the job? I’m getting the vibe that she doesn’t know that this is creating such a large issue. Have you explained how this is an issue and how it affects everyone else’s work in addition to giving her the cheat sheets? If you haven’t yet, I’d start with that and you might get some more info on what else you can do to help her.

      I think it’s worth speaking to your manager though. You don’t have to frame it as ‘she isn’t good at her job’ Just tell you manager there is a bit of a disconnect and you’d like to help her more and if the manager has any idea, it would be greatly appreciated

      1. krm*

        I’m really not sure why it is that she isn’t picking things up…She was in an entirely different industry for many years, and a lot of that experience does not translate to her current job. I know it isn’t because she doesn’t care. She does try very hard, and she tends to take any criticism very personally. I try to explain the reasons why I need things done a specific way, rather than just telling her that it needs to be done, so she will see that I’m not just asking her to do these things for no specific reason. She is very hard on herself, and I think she is a lovely person, so I don’t want her to feel picked on, but at the same time, I need things to be done correctly, particularly as we move in to our busy season.

    2. Persephone Mulberry*

      Here’s where I’m stuck: if you don’t know where to file something, I don’t understand how your first inclination is to stick it wherever and let someone else fix it, and NOT to pick up the phone/send an email/IM asking “can you tell me where this goes?”

      Is she aware of how much time you spend redoing her work, and is she aware that sticking the file wherever and letting you straighten it out isn’t an acceptable fix? If both of these things are “yes”, then I think she just doesn’t care and all the coaching in the world isn’t going to fix it.

      I also question someone who has been with the organization for a YEAR – new industry or not – and still doesn’t have the filing system down, when knowing the filing system is a major part of their job duties. See above about “just doesn’t care.”

      1. krm*

        It’s not that she intentially does it incorrectly, it is that she thinks she has done it correctly until I have to tell her differently. I work in insurance, and part of my job is to produce policies. If she doesn’t set up the file correctly, and insert the correct premium codes, underwriter requirements, etc., then the policy that I issue is incorrect and unusable.

        The fact that she has been here for almost a year is increasingly frustrating for me…but like I said before, my manager doesn’t seem inclined to push the issue, which is a problem in itself.

        1. The Real Ash*

          You need to start documenting every instance that she screws up your work, just for a certain period of time, say a week or two. Then bring that to your manager to show that she is negatively affecting your work and here’s how. If they aren’t willing to do anything about it, I would say something like, “Is there any way that we could bring [her manager] and/or [your manager’s boss] into this to figure out a way to fix these issues?” Point out that your busy season is coming up and you can’t afford to have your deliverables suffer because of your dedication to your customers or whatever buzzwords you want to use.

          1. krm*

            That is a good idea. I’ll give that a try. Hopefully concrete numbers will spur some change.

  44. Calla*

    I am having my first experience with suuuuper long hiring processes! I had a phone interview with a place 3 weeks ago and haven’t heard back (I did follow up a week and a half post-interview), but their application system still has the position open and still has me listed as “Interview Stage.” Fingers crossed it just got delayed and no one thought to tell me?

    Then another place emailed me this past Monday about an interview “within the next week”; I responded not even an hour later with dates for Wednesday, Thursday, and this coming Tuesday. They didn’t respond until yesterday! But I know have an on-site interview, so it all worked out.

    Definitely a good thing because I found out my new boss, who previously asked me twice how I (an exec. assistant for 2 VPs and a Director) how I’m different from the receptionist, also said to the receptionist “I’m still not sure what Calla does.” ???? I explained it to you twice, if you can’t grasp the concept of an exec admin (and the fact that I take care of all your scheduling, traveling, expenses, and anything else you need) IDK what to tell you!

  45. Anna*

    (I have two comments but I’ll make them separately as not to muddy the waters.)

    I have a work related vent. Why do people treat work bathrooms like their homes? One particular woman at my work spends a good 90 min in the bathroom every day (cumulatively) flossing, fixing hair, makeup. It’s so annoying. I want to do toiled related things and it’s SO AWKWARD when someone is in there… not doing those things. If someone else is peeing, fine. If someone else is putting on makeup… ugh. And there is a private disabled bathroom next door but that probably doesn’t have enough counter space. Sigh.

    1. Can't Think of a Good Name*

      Well, if I want to touch up makeup, that is the place to do it. And I for one would feel really shady taking up the disabled restroom just to put on makeup, which could take a while.

    2. esra*

      I don’t mind if someone needs to fix makeup, or floss, or whatever. But it is a Rule of Women’s Washrooms that if a woman is in a stall, not making any noise, then she is clearly waiting for you to leave so she can poop and you get out of there ASAP. The whole system falls apart when people don’t respect the rules.

      1. C average*

        I am a bit of an advice column junkie and have noticed that the washroom-related questions often get a lot of really passionate responses in the comments section. I have joked with a couple of friends that there really needs to be a site dedicated to these types of questions exclusively. We even have a name for it: Toiletiquette.com.

        1. manybellsdown*

          The worst flame war I ever saw online was between women who “hover” and women who sit. The “hoverers” thought the sitters were disgusting for touching the foul toilet seats, and the sitters were like “It wouldn’t BE disgusting if you didn’t hover and pee all over it!”

          It went for like 20 pages. Crazy.

          1. The Real Ash*

            Haha, but it’s true! If you don’t want to sit on the seat, make a seat cover out of toilet paper (or use a pre-made one if it’s provided). Anyone who pees on the seat and doesn’t clean it up is a soulless monster. That’s disgusting and they should be ashamed of themselves.

            1. Jamie*

              I need someone to explain to me how this happens.

              I have been going to the bathroom my entire life. I had a mom and sisters growing up – I toilet trained a daughter.

              I have never, ever had anything hit the seat – even when hovering – nor has anyone I know.

              What are the physical machinations which result in urine from a woman hitting the toilet seat?

              This is one of the mysteries of life for me.

              1. Del*

                Hovering! Not wanting to actually touch their behind to the filthy toilet seat which has been touched by other women’s behinds, because that’s so terribly unclean! They do whatever they can to kinda hang in the air above the toilet seat and wind up making a hideous mess.

                1. Jamie*

                  Which begs the question from what height are they hovering? I think they are doing it wrong.

              2. Not So NewReader*

                People with dehydration issues or kidney issues can spray all over the place.
                Or maybe they are just careless.

                But yeah, sometimes kidney issues cause messiness. But something else causes the inability to clean up.

            2. fposte*

              And then the pile of TP clogs the toilet, so somebody else has to plunge the bowl because of all this.

                1. fposte*

                  In our buildings, you can clog if you’re generous with a regular use. Most people who want to use a seat cover don’t exactly either/or it, and they try to make it all go down in one flush, which a lot of toilets can’t handle.

                  So if somebody’s going to seat cover, at least use a separate flush so that one person’s fear of seat contact doesn’t mean somebody else has to dig into the full bowl.

        2. OriginalYup*

          I will be an avid reader on Toiletiquette when you launch it.

          FYI, you will recognize my comments because they will all be filled with &$&!!!!!!!! rants about why has the office restroom turned into a bus station bathroom by 10 am and who the flock is taking a d@mn bath in the sink that there’s a 40 oz puddle of water on the ledge.

      3. chewbecca*

        The Rule of Women’s Washrooms always amuses me, even though I abide by it, as well.

        I always feel silly when I’m the silent waiter. Why can’t I just own what I’m in there to do? It’s what the bathroom is for! But nope.

        1. LPBB*

          I just go ahead and do it! (apologies if that’s TMI). It’s a BATHROOM with TOILETS……that is its purpose!! I see no need to apologize for or hide the fact that I am doing certain biological functions in a room specifically set aside for those functions.

    3. Darth Admin*

      I don’t understand this either. For one thing, the lighting in my company’s bathroom is so bad you’d come out looking like Bride of Frankenstein if you did your makeup in there!

    4. Rebecca*

      I wish people here would just replace the toilet paper roll already! Quit avoiding the stall that has 4 sheets on the roll, and put a new one in there! Nope, they use the others until none of them have paper, and wait until the magical toilet paper fairy swoops down to take care of it.

    5. Jamie*

      We have an individual bathroom so when people sequester themselves in there it’s an issue.

      Bathroom issues are such a huge thing – I guess because underneath the guise of all this civility we’re still at the mercy of our basic needs.

      And it’s an oddly intimate (wrong word, but can’t find the right one) activity that we’re forced to do in a shared space with relative strangers.

      When I was little I told my mom I wished they made a pill so we’d never have to eat food again so we would never have to go to the bathroom. She said I was silly. I still wish for that.

  46. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

    This summer, I’m going to be leading several webinars with 100+ participants. This will be the first time I’ve given a presentation via webinar (aside from quick progress reports in team meetings with remote colleagues). 

    What can I do to make the webinars as effective and engaging as possible? We’ve all sat through awkward, stilted, never-ending webinars (or is that just me? sigh.) and I’d really like to improve on that. I’d love any tips, especially on how to prime participants to actively engage (rather than sitting silently on the line).

    1. Brett*

      Break the webinar up into clear pieces with an agenda. Include polling and other interactions (twitter can be useful or the webinar chat room). One of my favorite strategies is having a “chatroom” person whose job is just to gather questions while you talk. Then when you hit the question break, read back:
      “Brett from asks, ‘….'” and answer the questions.

      If you will be demonstrating techniques, make sure everyone has their hand on materials ahead of time so they can follow along. If you are giving a presentation, get the slides out in case things run slow. Anything you can do to give people a chance to interact on some level.

    2. PricklyPear*

      I have to attend webinars as part of my continuing education. I’m sure I’m a little atypical, as I can pick and choose which ones based on topic, but I really enjoy when the leader does flash polls and discusses the results. The last one I did was on colonoscopy preparations, and not only did I learn a lot, but I was entertained by the opinions of the people on the conference. (We also had a separate chat box to IM questions to the group and they were addressed at various times too. It definitely felt less like a lecture and more like a discussion.)

    3. Ash (the other one!)*

      Depending on the platform you’re using, there are ways to embed interactivity like polls and quizzes… I like to embed those because I think engaging is the best way people learn.

    4. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      On our all-staff calls (~100 people, but not the same people who will be on the webinars I’ll be running), we use the chat feature liberally – both as a response to intentional prompts, and as a sort of side conversation. I think it works well – and for people who learn through reading or writing rather than hearing, it can aid their learning. But I’m worried that it could be a distraction – and that new participants who aren’t used to a culture where it’s ok to have side conversations in the chat won’t feel comfortable using it.

  47. en pointe*

    I’m asking this on behalf of my friend *Jane*, who is a very young, single mum.

    When Jane picked her daughter up from child care earlier this week, she was confronted by the director of the centre, who told her that they’ve noticed a change in her daughter’s behaviour; she is a little more clingy toward the staff than previously. The director said that they’ve discussed this amongst the staff and concluded that Jane “must have a new man at home”.

    Jane was really upset by this and wants to talk to the director about it, but she’s struggling with what she should say. My only advice was not to try and explain herself. At all. I think that it is the director who needs to explain why she thought that was an appropriate thing to say.

    Am I off base? What should she say? Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated please.

    1. en pointe*

      And sorry, this is Not Work-Related, obviously. Should have put that above, as AmyNYC did.

    2. SimpleeInspired*

      The way the director phrased the statement to your friend was wrong though I believe the reason behind it wasn’t to be judgmental towards Jane but rather out of concern for her daughter. If I was in this situation, I would inform the director that it isn’t what she thinks and work with her to address the change in behavior. When children cling to their caretakers when they haven’t done so previously often indicates insecurities. In some cases, this may lead to larger behavioral problems in the future if not addressed.

      1. Marian the Librarian*

        While I completely agree that insecurities like this that come up out of the blue are a cause for concern (and that they can lead to potential social development issues in the future), I do not agree that the comment from the director came from a good place. In this situation, it would have been much more reasonable to let the parent know about the change in behavior and ASK if there had been any changes in the home environment recently that could be leading to the insecurity. It’s really important for a childcare worker to build up trust with parents (so that, like you said, the childcare worker can work TOGETHER with the parent on potential behavioral concerns), and bringing up someone’s personal relationships in an accusatory manner is absolutely the opposite of that practice. If I were Jane, I would feel very uncomfortable talking to this director and the staff at this agency from now on, because the director told her that the staff speculates on their personal relationships during work! Yikes!

    3. Marian the Librarian*

      Wow, as someone who has worked in childcare I just have to say that is wildly inappropriate and not okay at all. You are not off-base. There are many reasons why a child might feel more clingy that are much more likely than having an affair (my mind is seriously boggling that a childcare professional would come to this conclusion *and then mention it to the parent*).

      No, Jane should definitely not feel like she needs to “explain herself.” Even if it was true, it is wildly inappropriate for a professional to bring up someone’s personal (and private) relationships in this context. If the childcare workers suspected ABUSE (this is obviously not the case) there are proper channels to report it. Did they even try to talk to Jane about other possible changes at home that could have been making her child feel insecure, or did they just jump to this weird accusation? Seriously, what on earth were these people thinking!? I am 100% sure that I would have been fired from any of my previous childcare jobs if I made an insinuation like that (and rightfully so).

      I would absolutely expect an apology from this director. If the director says something about it again, Jane should be direct and say something like, “Wow. That’s a very inappropriate thing to say.” SHE should not be the one feeling bad in this situation. And if she wants to take it further and bring it up again herself, she could say something like, “I have been thinking about the comment you made the other day. I didn’t respond at the time because I was so shocked that a person would make such an inappropriate comment, and it was very unprofessional. I will be expecting an apology and an assurance from you and your staff that this will not affect the level of care my child receives.”

      Also, if I were her (and she can afford to go with a different agency), at the end of this daycare session (if it is one that goes by sessions and not a drop-in daycare) I would take the time to write a carefully worded letter to the director letting them know that she will be withdrawing her child from their daycare after this session because of their wildly inappropriate comment, AND that she will never recommend others to the agency and will be telling those parents that she knows about this inappropriate behavior. These people obviously know little about childhood development if that is their first assumption, and I personally would not want my child to attend daycare somewhere that would do this!

      1. Marian the Librarian*

        Sorry if this comment was abrasively worded–I was just feeling really “what the heck” around this entire situation!

    4. short geologist*

      That’s obnoxious. But does she have some change in her home life? If so, then perhaps it’s something to consider. It’s still worth telling the director that openly speculating about her love life is unprofessional.

    5. Befuddled Squirrel*

      They’re probably concerned about the daughter and wanted to bring it up without sounding accusatory towards Jane. Jane could respond by asking for more information about what they’ve observed and what it can mean when a child acts this way.

    6. Darth Admin*

      I have a kid in daycare and would be Not Happy about this either. I’d suggest Jane say something like “Director, I was pretty taken aback the other day when you said that Daughter has been clingy and I must have a new man at home.” And then wait and see what the Director says.

      The important thing here is that there ARE reasons kids get clingy, and by “concluding” that Jane has a new man at home, the daycare isn’t examining any of those reasons or helping to address it. They’re also not saying (from the description, anyway) that the clingy-ness is a problem – instead it seems almost like a throwaway to tell Jane their “new man” conclusion.

      This is something that would cause me to seriously look at changing daycare centers. It suggests that the center is less concerned with getting to the bottom of what’s really going on with the kids and more with jumping to conclusions that allow them to avoid any interventions.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        That was my take on it. What, are they sitting around gossiping about parents? I understand bringing up the change in behavior–and I would want to know about it if it were my child–but to suggest something like that is just….wow.

    7. VintageLydia USA*

      This just boggles the mind. Even if Jane DID have a boyfriend, why would the daycare care? Kids react weirdly to even benign things (if the gentleman was a perfectly nice guy, just the fact that he’s a new person in her life could cause her to act out of character until she adjusts to the new normal.)

      It’s one thing to bring up a potential issue. That’s a good thing. But the “new man” accusation waves a red flag for me. Like she’s a bad mom just for dating. Whether it’s true or not, that says a lot of what the childcare workers think of her and I’d find a new daycare ASAP.

    8. Mints*

      That was a horrible thing to say, but I’m not sure it would be beneficial to bring it up again. I mean, if the director says something again a good vague “everything is fine at home” would be appropriate. But I’m not sure confronting the director again about the “man” comment would really help. They’ve already made up their minds, and it might be better to keep being a good parent and leaving partners out of it, if/until they’re a Co-parent too

      (I say this as a non parent and ex childcare worker)

      1. Mints*

        Broadly, what does your friend/ the parent want? Good childcare, I’m assuming. Confronting the director now wouldn’t improve the childcare, I think. But if she (rightfully) wanted to go to a provider that wasn’t weird about her personal life, once she leaves, she could tell the director why she left, and post it on yelp or mom boards or wherever else, to warn other families.

    9. EAA*

      The age of the child can make a difference, too. They do go through stages. Address the clingyness. What exactly are they seeing? Is it just at certain times or all day. Is it just with certain people or everyone? Is the mother seeing the same thing at home? Also have there been changes at school? If there are no new people in the child’s home life have there been changes in personnel or children at the school?

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Disclosure: I am not a parent. However, I can remember as a kid, I would get very clingy just before I would get reeeally sick. I didn’t feel right and wanted to be next to an adult. (I was really sick a lot, so I remember this well.)
      So my question would be did anyone ask the child if s/he was alright? grrrrr…..

      I think these care givers need to focus on doing their jobs not mom’s love life.

  48. Nonprofit grant jobs*

    I’m in the process of leaving a nonprofit job that I started about a year ago. The job (a new position for the agency) was funded through a one-year grant, but that was NOT disclosed during the hiring process. I found out after I started. From what I’ve been told, the organization’s leadership intentionally omitted this fact during hiring because they were “so confident” they’d find additional funding (spoiler: they haven’t).

    When I leave, I’d like to say something to the leadership about how problematic and unethical this practice is. I don’t know of any other orgs that would purposely omit this fact during hiring, but I think our leadership believes it’s a common practice.

    So–does anyone know other nonprofits that actually don’t tell candidates that their position is funded by a one-year grant?

    1. Bryan*

      This is the only instance I have seen of this and I’m so sorry they left that out. You might want to ask if they can drum up any extra work for you now since they did this.

      1. Marian the Librarian*

        Agreed! Don’t burn any bridges if you liked the job, but what they did wasn’t okay. If you really feel like you need to mention it, try to do it in a non-confrontational way: “I’m not sure if you know this, but it’s common to add the duration of the position to a job description. Doing that really helps mitigate disappointment if you can’t find extra funding during that time because it gives that person a timeline on when they should be looking to complete their work or find an alternate source of funding.”

        Honestly though? If it were me, I’d probably leave it. There’s too much potential for them to get unreasonably mad at you for bringing it up (even though you’re right), and then losing a good reference. If you know the higher-ups well, though, and feel like they would take it well, feel free to bring it up.

        1. CTO*

          Thanks for the input, everyone. I will definitely be careful about if/how I discuss this when I leave. My immediate boss and I have had candid conversations about this issue (he was brand-new when I was hired, and has told me that he advocated for disclosure about this but was told by the higher-ups not to disclose). I think I’ll ask for his guidance about whether or not I can bring this issue up. I would also feel comfortable sharing my concerns with the HR rep who helped hire me, as we have maintained a good relationship. I don’t think I’d actually discuss it directly with the higher-up who I suspect was behind the decision (we don’t always have the greatest relationship, though it’s not awful).

          I just wish they could realize how much it damages employee and loyalty when they “bait-and-switch” like this. During the interview process they asked me several questions about my ability to make a long-term commitment to the job.

          Yes, I know that endless funding for any job is never guaranteed, but I still think it’s different when you KNOW the funding will be ending in a relatively short time.

          Thanks for letting me rant.

    2. Annie O*

      I don’t know if it’s common, but it definitely happens. Heck, it happened to me once. I found out during my first week when I was trained on our timesheet/payroll software.

      If you plan to bring this up in your exit interview, I’d be very careful with wording. I suspect that the leadership knows they were unethical, and they just don’t care. You don’t want to burn the bridge, especially when saying something isn’t going to change their bad practices.

      Sorry, by the way. This situation just sucks.

    3. Mimmy*

      PostGradSchoolJob was “contingent on continued funding” (or something along those lines). It wasn’t stated during the interview, but was stated in the job offer letter. Not nearly as bad as your situation, but it would’ve been nice to know during the interview. Though, I don’t know if it’s common knowledge that a lot of nonprofit positions are dependent on funding

      I did get laid off the following year, but it wasn’t due to discontinuation of funding.

  50. Mimmy*

    How important is it to be part of a professional association?

    I was a member of the predominant association in my industry since 2005 but just let my membership lapse. I really like my industry because of its professional values and I’ve met some incredible people through various association events (as well as through grad school and alumni events). However, my professional interests are starting to lean towards a specific niche. I think my educational credentials can be relevant; however, this association has very little to offer in my niche area in the way of CE workshops and articles in their various publications.

    So I’m torn with whether or not to re-activate my membership with this association; I’ve had friends suggest I look at my “return on investment”, and to be honest, there isn’t much that I see. However, I’m not sure I want to leave my industry altogether just yet (if I do, I’d go into something related). I’ve been contemplating further study, including a PhD, but worry that dropping my membership with the predominant professional association would reflect badly on me.

    I appreciate any feedback you guys have. I’m trying to remain somewhat anonymous with this, but would be happy to give more specific info if it’d help :)

    1. Aisling*

      My professional organizations offer trade publications so I can keep up on industry trends, and also discounts to various conferences, so it’s worth it to me. But they are quite expensive… each year I consider dropping them for that alone.

    2. giggleloop*

      I think it depends on your field and what you want to put into it. I know a lot of people in my field who belong and really just put it on their resume. In my case, I wouldn’t bother, because it’s not important enough in my field to require it. But, I do a lot with my professional organization, and so I’ve met a lot of people and gotten a lot of ideas, so it is worth it to me personally.

    3. Bonnie*

      I think it might depend on the opportunities of your niche. I also work in an industry that provides great education and publication but very little is relevant to my work. When I first entered the niche part of my industry I struggled to find the same opportunities. I ending up keeping my membership in the general industry association until my niche industries got up to speed with their offerings and now I direct my time and money to the niche association.

  51. Overworked Anonymous*

    What can I do to advocate for my position to become full-time?

    Here is some background: I’m currently in my first non-internship position in the industry I want to work for. I’m really excited to have a job after six months of fruitless job searching, and my coworkers and workplace are amazing–this is a dream job, except for one thing. It’s part time, and it really, really should be full time. In order to meet the expectations of my job, I’m having to work 40+ hours a week (the extra hours at home), and I’m paid for less than half of that. I understand that the previous person in this position also did a significant amount of work at home, but didn’t push for full time because she had two part time jobs (and she was excellent at her job and had 20+ years of experience). So, it’s not that I’m fiddling away my time doing unimportant things–there’s just that much to do. I’m also the only one in my organization doing my particular job, whereas there are many other people in each different role in our organization (so there’s nobody to pick up my work during the days that I’m not at work–meaning that I must complete what needs to be done at home).

    My position is up for consideration for full time in a few months, and my direct supervisor has made it very clear that they absolutely want to advocate for my position to become full time. They feel very strongly that there needs to be a full time person in this position (and they also mentioned that they don’t want to lose me because I need to take a full time position elsewhere).

    I’ve been collecting statistics about the demographic that my position serves in our community (very large for only one part time employee), and I am trying to build a case for my position to become full time (because other positions are also up for full time at the same time as mine).

    Are things like using a spreadsheet to log the number of hours that I work at home and how I spend my time at work (illustrating that I am not wasting my time but need more hours to complete my job duties) useful or just weirdly aggressive? Thanks!

    1. CTO*

      Honestly? I think you need to stop giving them FT hours at PT pay. How is your supervisor allowing that to happen? That’s really irresponsible leadership and you are being taken advantage of. You need to start prioritizing like Alison often suggests, by telling your supervisor, “In my 20 hours this week, I can complete X, Y, and Z. That means that I won’t have time to do A and B.”

      I think it’s great that you are documenting your time, because the leadership may ask why you need FT hours when your predecessor asked for that. Show what you’re accomplishing, how much time it takes, and what important work isn’t getting done because you don’t have time. Maybe you could also ask your supervisor what other documentation would be helpful.

      1. Overworked Anonymous*

        Thanks for your reply. Actually, I don’t even work 20 hours because they don’t want to give me PT benefits! I think I work something like 19.5 a week so that they can avoid that. Argh!

        I know that I should probably take your advice about not working FT hours for PT pay. It’s hard for me to reconcile that with the desire to do my job very well. I work with kids, so if I don’t complete all my work I feel like I’m doing them a disservice because they’ll receive inferior service. It’s not the organization that will suffer if I decide to work less, it’s the kids! Still, I know this is why lots of people who work with kids burn out in just a few years, and it would be healthy for me to pull back, so I’ll probably need to just try to resolve that issue within myself. Thanks again!

        1. Annie O*

          It’s illegal for your company to not pay you for those hours. Your company needs to be paying you for all hours worked, period. Even though it sounds like you’re voluntarily working off-books, that doesn’t make it any more legal.

          As a manager, I would be extremely concerned if I knew one of my employees was working *any* extra hours without pay. I’d put a stop to it instantly; it’s a wage claim or lawsuit waiting to happen.

          1. Overworked Anon*

            I have been “told off” (jokingly) for working off the clock voluntarily, so they definitely don’t encourage it (except tacitly by assigning me mountains of work). I’m just sort of at a loss because the work has to get done in X amount of time and it’s just impossible for anyone to do that in the hours that I work!

            I also feel like if my work doesn’t get done they’ll have less incentive to hire me full-time because I’ll look like a bad employee? Then again, if I appear to get ALL my work done, what’s the incentive to hire me on for more hours? It feels like a lose-lose situation.

            1. Annie O*

              Okay, this is even worse. You’ve been told to stop working off the clock, but you’re still doing it. That would be grounds for termination in my organization. I know I sound harsh, but you seem determined to ignore the legality of working unpaid hours.

              Check out CTO’s above advice about having a prioritization meeting with your boss (“I can do x, y, and z but not a or b.”) Hopefully you can get a reduced workload, more hours, or both.

              1. Overworked Anon*

                I get that from my previous comment that it seems like I’m going against what my supervisors said, so I feel like I should clarify: the reason why I posted this question in the first place is that I’m very uncomfortable working off the clock because of the legalities (and do not want AT ALL to ignore the legalities of working unpaid hours). I understand that in your organization it’s completely forbidden and might result in termination; however, our organizational culture encourages it (and, in fact, so does our field in general–most people in my position do a significant amount of work unpaid) so I feel uncomfortable bringing it up with my supervisor lest it look like I’m “lazy.” However, I absolutely recognize the legal importance of this issue and I will suck it up and follow the advice about the prioritization meeting and clarifying that I won’t be available outside of work unless I will be paid for those hours (I won’t–I work for the city and am budgeted a certain amount of hours/month).

                Additional context: while it was mentioned once that I shouldn’t be working off the clock, when I ask my supervisors and coworkers about how [person in previous position] completed their work in a timely fashion, the response is always that they did a lot of work at home (off the clock). Also, my coworkers and supervisors constantly call/email me while I’m off the clock, expecting a response. Furthermore, everyone at my organization does do a lot of work at home, even in full-time positions, up to and including my supervisors. It’s just worse for me because I’m a PT employee while everyone else is FT.

                I’m really not trying to condone working off the clock, I promise! I’m very uncomfortable with it and do want to work out a solution that will either get me paid for the time I’m giving to the organization or result in me working zero hours off the clock. I just wanted to give you some additional background to clarify the mixed messages I’m getting from management and my coworkers on this issue. I’m not saying that it’s RIGHT, I’m just concerned about the possible ramifications of pointing out that working off the clock is illegal and that I can’t do it anymore when everyone else does (and is expected to do) it.

                1. fposte*

                  But some of the people in this picture are exempt, right? Your supervisor is probably exempt, so she doesn’t have a clock to be working off of–she can work 24/7 and the law doesn’t care. You, from the sound of it, are non-exempt. That’s a whole nother kettle o’ fish.

                2. Jamie*

                  What fposte said. I had a similar conversation recently with a non-exempt person in real life who has take it upon themselves to police everyone’s hours and complain, loudly, if someone worked 7 hrs and 50 minutes.

                  There are different expectations and different levels of flexibility. They have to put in a full 8 to get paid for 8 – but they never have to stay late, come in on a weekend, or be tethered to their phone on call. The people they’re complaining about routinely work 6 day weeks – so no one cares if they leave a little early on occasion.

                  My explanation didn’t land, so I’m frustrated, but they just refuse to give up the belief that the only way for things to be “fair” is for everyone to be treated exactly the same.

                  another tangent – not saying that’s what Overworked Anon thinks…but the point is people do often blur the lines between exempt and non-exempt and you just cannot do that and stay in compliance with the law.

            2. Jamie*

              I’ve been involved in firing people for this.

              I don’t know why they aren’t addressing it, but working off the clock is illegal and you are incurring liability to the company every time you do so.

              You need to stop doing this immediately. And they aren’t going to make it a full time position if it looks as if it’s getting done in 19.5 hours a week, but if you highlight the work from home it’s a legal issue.

              Being honest about how long it takes a good performer to do X, Y, and Z won’t make you look like a bad employee to any employer worth working for.

              Believe me, I understand your intentions and totally get it…but this will absolutely get you fired a lot of places.

              1. Stephanie*

                FirstJob would fire people for working off-the-clock. This was a white collar job, btw. It tended to be more of something you’d get dinged on if a manager wanted a reason to get rid of you.

                There were a few lawsuits from former junior employees where they tried to get back pay for all the unpaid overtime they worked. I’m unsure if the lawsuits were successful, but after all the bad PR, FirstJob just banned “voluntary overtime” (as they called it) for employees below a certain level. This, in turn, led to people (myself included) doing all kinds of weird things to hide hours worked like not logging off the computer and delaying send on emails.

                NextJob was similar, but not quite as bad. They were ok with working some overtime, but regular overtime was viewed as being inefficient. A coworker told me to make sure I clocked out (yeah, we had time cards; again, this was another white collar job) at around 8.5 hours after I arrived (but not exactly) because TPTB could use that against me as being inefficient.

                If they’ve warned you, you should stop doing it.

        2. CTO*

          I work in social services; I know what it’s like to feel so overwhelmed by the need for your work that you don’t want to “punish” your clients by working within your intended hours. Big-hearted people really struggle sometimes to draw the line between “going to work” and “saving the world.”

          But you’re right: ultimately, you don’t serve anyone very well if you burn yourself out. And you will burn out if you keep doing this. You’re also shortchanging your own financial security, and at some point that will matter even if it doesn’t right now. The lack of appropriate resources to serve your clients is not your personal responsibility, it’s your agency’s. Don’t feel guilty about things that aren’t your fault.

          Also, if your company gets in trouble for not paying you appropriately, that does your company and their clients a HUGE disservice. You’re putting your entire organization at risk by working all of these unpaid hours.

          It sounds like you have a good relationship with your boss. I’d be really clear with him/her about your workload and your concerns. Maybe they can help you prioritize differently so that you all have realistic expectations of what you can accomplish in 19.5 hours.

          1. Overworked Anon*

            Thanks CTO (and everyone) for the responses! I totally get that this is an offense that can result in termination and I will absolutely address it immediately. I adore my organization and do not want to cause them legal issues. Nor do I want to get fired, because I love my job!

            CTO, I appreciate your empathy. Setting up appropriate boundaries is my biggest issue with my work. While I want to help everyone, it’s something that just isn’t possible. You’re right that it’s shortchanging my financial security: right now it’s impossible for me to look for a second PT job because of the amount of work I’m doing for my first PT job.

            I will definitely sit down and clarify my responsibilities with my supervisors. I do have a great relationship with my supervisor and I hope they will be open to establishing realistic expectations for what can happen during the time that I’m paid to work.

            1. CTO*

              Setting boundaries is always an ongoing challenge in our line of work, but obviously an important area to keep trying to improve in.

              One thing that helps me is having some out-of-work commitments and hobbies I really enjoy: volunteering, board service, social events, even a second job. Having places to go and things to do at the end of the workday makes it easier for me to stop working. I don’t find myself idly sitting on my couch, figuring that I may as well check my work email if I’m not doing anything else…

              It’s also tremendously helpful to reflect on this challenge with other people who understand it. I have friends in my field and this is a common topic of conversation for us. It helps to have people with whom I can be honest about the challenges. We support each other. If you can find a couple of people also struggling to find balance, perhaps some accountability and support will help you all. Good luck and thanks for doing such important work!

    2. Aisling*

      If your boss knows you’re doing this, but keeps assigning you work that you cannot complete in your allotted hours, you have a complaint that can go to the labor board to get pay for hours worked – especially if you’ve been keeping track of your hours.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      This answer is a PITA. But track your time- by task. I don’t do it but I need to. It’s such a pain.
      But write down all the things you do in a day and how long it takes you to do them. Be sure to include the one-offs that seem to occur regularly. (My list of one offs would include: Set up new computer, 5 hours. Wipe hard drive on old computer – 4 hours. Get clearance for XYZ site. 2 hours per day for 10 days. This does not sound like much but every day is some labor intensive unforeseen that just chews up my time in huge blocks. The fax machine went down the other day and that was an hour and a half.)
      Basically, you are explaining what you job entails. I think many places do not understand how just a “few minutes” here and there morphs into a big chunk of time.

  52. LV*

    I started a new job on Monday, and so far it’s been great and everyone has been really nice, except I am developing some strain of Impostor Syndrome. I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing here, and I have so much to learn, and I’m stupidly paranoid about asking my boss, “So… what should I be working on?” because what if she starts wondering why she hired this idiot in the first place? Have you ever seen that image macro of the golden retriever in a science lab with the caption “I have no idea what I’m doing”? Yeah. That.

    This is mostly related to the fact that it turns out I am supervising 2 people – there was no mention of this in the job posting, and during the interview I was told I would be “working closely with” those 2 people. Then on Monday while I was talking to one of them, she said, “You know that you are my and X’s supervisor, right?”

    I’m good at what I do, and I love my field, and I think I’m going to like it here, but I have never been in a position of authority at work before. It still feels odd to me. I’m not used to the idea that I have my own staff, that I have to assign them work, that they need my authorization before doing certain tasks… especially when I’m significantly younger than them (25) and they’ve been here for much, much longer than I have.

    I’m not sure how to navigate this, and I’d appreciate any advice or insight.

    1. Sunflower*

      I don’t have much to add on the supervising front but I think it’s totally common to feel clueless when you start somewhere new. It’s like showing up at a new school for the first time. You don’t know anyone but everyone else knows each other and you just want to fit in and know what you’re doing too!

      Esp don’t worry on asking your manager what you should be doing. My boss just hired someone new and keeps forgetting to tell him what to do because he isn’t used to have another person so he likes when the new guy comes in and asks for stuff.

    2. A Jane*

      I started a new job a couple of weeks ago and felt the same way. I don’ t think it hurts to ask your manager what are some of the things you should be prioritizing while you’re onboarding.

      Also, following up with the team to see what they’re working on and have them show you how they do it. Make it clear that you’re observing–you’re interested in what they’re working on and the whole process.

    3. A Jane*

      Also, another thing that helps is having a quick morning check in with the team. What are you working on, what will you be working on today, and is there anything they need help getting done (either following up with another team, helping through the process, or approval).

    4. Not So NewReader*

      One time, I started a job that was so different for me, it was like some one turned my world upside down. One of my coping tools was to write a short list of tasks for the next day. I did this each night before I left.
      This helped to deal with the stomach butterflies each morning because I knew where I was going to start at any rate.
      The two people that you are supervising can be of assistance to you. Start by saying “Do you have everything you need from me or have I forgotten something?” Let them help orient you.

  53. Jamie*

    Coolest thing I learned in a long time was how to put on a duvet cover in less than a minute and no hassle.

    I love Youtube.

    I wish I could do the same with folding a fitted sheet. It’s my goal in life (don’t judge me) to be able to fold fitted sheets in neat little squares, but I’ve watched a million vids and practices and mine are still a squishy mess.

    Last weekend I learned by husband had no idea what a duvet was, nor what eyelet was when asked to pick up a new bed skirt. I marveled at that…but he named off a bunch of different types of tires and I heard Charlie Brown’s teacher in my head so I guess different interests.

    And I need help choosing a paint color for my bedroom. Dh nixed pink (because he’s mean) and my bedding and accoutrements run blue. I can’t do another blue room because I always pick blue and the house is starting to look like we’re under the sea.

    I need something nice for the bedroom and main part of the house (open plan so can’t have different colors for living room, dining room, hall, stairway, and kitchen. Family room separate so want to so something different in there.

    I need something pretty – not jazzy but not the plain neutral ecru either.

    Oh, and while I’m typing random neural firings – don’t accidentally put a broom handle though a stained glass window of a closet door. We have to replace both bi-fold doors since it’s way more expensive to get the glass remade than to just buy new doors.

    The upside we’re putting the non-damaged old door on the pantry.

    I have put in so much time this week I’m mentally already home – I need to focus!

    (By the end of this weekend I will have a much bigger linen closet and I am way more excited about this than is healthy.)

    1. Diet Coke Addict*

      Folding fitted sheets is one of my superpowers. Are your sheets elastic all the way around, or only at the corners and un-elasticized on the flats? It makes a difference! When folding elastic-round sheets as a beginner, it helps A LOT if you use a table or floor or other flat, firm surface.

      When you have tucked the corners into each other and have one on each hand, lay the sheet down onto your flat surface and tuck/arrange/flatten as you need to. Then put the corners all into each other, so you have a vaguely rectangular-ish shape all held on one fingertip. Shake it vigorously so all the fabric falls together. Then lay this shape down on your table again and flatten/tuck/arrange as needed. This should take out all the air bubbles and you should be able to flatly fold it after this as needed.

      (This is WAY easier if I could produce a video!) Anyway, no need to do it all in the air. Fold flat on a table or the floor. Life is easier.

      1. Jamie*

        Just at the corners – and I will pull this up the second I get home.

        It’s all I can do not to call it a day and go home and try right now!

        1. Diet Coke Addict*

          At the corners can be even easier! Be sure to shake vigorously when the sheets are gathered together on one hand, then take your time arranging the sheet while it’s laid flat on something. Once you get the hang of it, it will go MUCH more quickly.

      2. Persephone Mulberry*

        I, too, am a fitted sheet ninja. I credit the Martha Stewart video on YouTube.

        I was so excited when I figured out how to do it smoothly that I even blogged about it. It’s the little things that get me through the day, I guess.

    2. The IT Manager*

      No blue, a mint green perhaps?

      Actually I am too busy to do any home improvement, but I am thnking more and more of painting using some dark/bright colors inspired by a visit to a 1920s arc deco historic home. I’m also thinking that’s not the wisest idea since I do not know if I might move soon or not, but in my mind it is very tempting.

    3. littlemoose*

      We did a neutral taupe-ish brown in the bedroom, and I love it. It’s not as boring as white, but works with almost anything. Looks great with white doors, baseboards, etc.

      1. Chrissi*

        I love that color on walls – it makes everything on the wall pop, especially crown molding, baseboards, chair rails, and pictures that have some kind of white matting. I think it looks so snazzy.

    4. Emily, admin extraordinaire*

      How about a nice pale yellow? Yellow brightens up any space and makes me happy. :) Your existing blue bedding would coordinate well, too.

      1. straws*

        I’m not normally a yellow fan, but my husband talked me into a pale yellow in one room and I really love it. It’s cheerful, but not overwhelmingly bright. We always do green everything, so it’s also a nice change.

    5. krm*

      I am a big fan of light, cool gray as a pretty, yet interesting and fairly neutral color. Particularly gray white white trim, or if possible, white chair rail. My boyfriend thought I was crazy when I told him I wanted a gray bedroom, but he agrees that it looks nice…it is serene and calming, and looks fairly sophisticated as well!

    6. esra*

      I found a paint colour called “Justice” and painted most of my apartment in it. My walls are the colour of JUSTICE.

      1. C average*

        Now I have that Cake song “Short Skirt Long Jacket” running through my head: ” . . . with fingernails that shine like justice and a voice that is dark like tinted glass . . .”

      2. O*

        my bathroom color is “mount kilimanjaro”, it’s a purple/grey, i love saying the name to myself

    7. Aunt Vixen*

      Can you have different colors in your open-plan house if you stick with a neutral ecru blah thing for 3/4 of the walls and have a different accent color in each room? (I like me some accent colors. I tend to pick two colors off the same card at the paint store, and have the lighter one be the main color and the deeper one on a single wall for the contrast.)

      1. chewbecca*

        That’s kind of how our house is. It’s open plan so most of the open areas are a taupe color, but the western wall is a dark tealish color. I like it, it gives it just enough color so it’s not all taupe and drab.

    8. manybellsdown*

      The trick I learned for folding a fitted sheet is to think thirds. So first I match up all the corners and tuck them into each other. Then I fold the elastic bit into the middle and the non-elastic side over that in thirds. Folding in halves is just super lumpy all the time. With thirds the elastic winds up tucked in the middle and looks neater.

    9. Persephone Mulberry*

      What about a taupe that leans pinkish? My husband would have no idea what this means, and thus we both win. :)

      One rule of thumb that I just invented off the top of my head but that I think I’m going to adopt is warmer tones in rooms that get less sunlight and cooler colors in rooms with lots of natural light. I’m just thinking that gray walls in a room that already leans dark could be gloomy rather than soothing, whereas taupe is cozier.

      (I can just see my husband looking at me like I’m nuts if I tried to use this explanation on him. Colors having feelings? Madness!)

    10. Elizabeth West*

      How about a really warm cream color or a very very pale yellow? Yellow and blue go really well together, and if the walls are very pale, it won’t look garish or crazy or under-the-sea.

    11. Jamie*

      Just replying to everyone – you guys are the best. I’m taking all of you with me to Lowe’s tomorrow to buy paint. Well a spreadsheet of your suggestions. :) I never would have thought of gray and I’m totally intrigued by that – also love the accent wall idea for the open plan. Maybe a taupe for the main color and then the accent walls. I do love that idea.

      And I’m off the fence and firmly committed to pale yellow (the color of freshly churned butter – Mr. Blandings Dream House) for the kitchen since you’ve all convinced me it will work with the blue accessories in there.

      I’m leaning toward the pinkish mauve if I can sell it – very devious and I like that! It’s between that and the gray. I’m seriously so glad I asked here.

      Makes me a little sad spending so much time and effort fixing up a house I’m not in enough. Need to spend more time there to make it worth it.

    12. Mephyle*

      I love blue + brown in clothes, do people think it would work in a room? If the blues are mostly dark, then the brown light (i.e., beige). If the blues are mostly light, then the brown darker (could be a taupe).

      1. Smilingswan*

        I was going to suggest chocolate brown. I have a mix of blue and brown bedding and I love it. :)

  54. BG*

    So, after exactly 2.5 months of being unemployed… I accepted a position this week and start my new job on Monday! I was in the middle of the interview process with a few companies, but the position I accepted was my first choice. Although the commute will be longer, I’m anxious to get back to work and get off unemployment.

    This experience was so stressful (getting laid off with no notice), but hopefully it leads to bigger and better things. Also, almost all of the interviews I got were because of knowing someone… so I realized just how important it is to keep in touch with your professional network.

    Thanks for all the support!

  55. a.n.o.n.*

    Just being mopey here…

    Not sure if anyone has been following my sage, but just gotta say it’s getting really tough to go to a job I dread everyday. I still have another month to go before I can legitimately call the other company about the job I want. Everything grates on me and I spend all day watching the clock and figuring out how to squeeze a few more minutes out of lunch, under the radar.

    I’m starting to feel depressed, actually. At least, I think I am. I feel like there’s no hope of finding something that fits me and that I’ll be happy with. I almost feel like no job will make me happy if I don’t get the other job (the one I turned down for the one I have now; BAD mistake). I’m still reading the book I bought to help me figure out “what I want to be when I grow up.”

    Thanks for listening.

    1. WorkingAsDesigned*

      Just wanted to say that I’m sorry you’re going through this. Do you have any outside interests that you can do that will bring you some joy in your non-work hours?

      1. a.n.o.n.*

        hanks. I volunteer with the local cat rescue, but that’s just one night a week. I should get more into my reading, or maybe cross stitch. Haven’t cross stitched in ages. Or maybe find a community thing to do.

    2. Rebecca*

      Hang in there. You are not alone! Many of us, me and a lot of my coworkers, absolutely dread coming to work! Between a computer system that has a mind of its own, clueless people, every process silo’d down to the point where just to get one thing done you have to engage half a dozen people, and crazy rules, it’s a wonder anything gets done.

      I think about things I need to do at home, and keep a piece of scratch paper handy. And laugh to yourself – face it, you can’t make some of this stuff up. Or you could pretend you’re living in Office Space or a Dilbert strip :)

      1. a.n.o.n.*

        Thanks. Yeah, I feel like I’m living in Office Space here, compared to the old job where I had lots of control, independence, and input. Here it’s just doing task after task with no say in anyting, no decision-making, have to contact 3 different people to put the whole puzzle together on one task, etc. And the meetings. Oh, the meetings.

        Doesn’t help that we’re a person short and I’m covering that job. (Well, actually it’s not bad because I’m less adverse to doing this job than the one I was hired for. GIves me limited room to do a couple things I used to enjoy.) No one internally wants to work for my boss and all the applicants we get they won’t hire or the people won’t accept the salary. Plus my co-worker wants to leave.

        1. Rebecca*

          You and I could be twins. Before the company I worked for was purchased by a big company, I had actual input into my job, my ideas were valued, I had a direct input on the bottom line of the company, got good reviews and raises. Now, no evaluations, no raises, and I’ve learned never to make a suggestion, the hard way. I spend my time avoiding nasty managers and suffering through Dilbert like management. I said in a thread above, the best part is the 20 days PTO/Vacation and 11 paid holidays. In my mind, that’s 6 weeks I don’t have to be here.

          LOL – I got sucked into the “oh, we need you to cover for this person while she’s on medical leave” scenario. She went to another position, and now I have most of her job on top of mine. Same pay. I do what I can, and if things don’t get done, they don’t get done, especially since overtime was cut off. You can’t put 2 cups of water in a 1 cup container.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Ugh, sounds awful. I got through at Exjob by just doing the best I could at what I was doing, but not actually caring. It still sucked.

          Hold on; better times are coming. *crosses fingers and toes for you*

          1. a.n.o.n.*

            Thanks! That’s pretty much what I’m doing: doing the best job I can and not caring.

    3. Anoners*

      I think that you being offered another job that you really wanted before this one is a good indiation that there’s hope. Stay strong! :)

      1. a.n.o.n.*

        Yes, I just hope the CEO still wants me when I call next month. We left it as we will “perhaps” talk in a couple months (that was back in March). I sure hope it comes through. I so want to email him now, but it hasn’t been two months yet and I don’t want to be a stalker. Here’s a question, though: the company has a small community event at their offices almost monthly and it’s open to anyone. Would it be stalkerish to show up at the May event and say I’m “just saying hi and wanted to see what this event is all about”? It’s a local artist exhibition.

        I guess I can’t look at taking the wrong job as a total mistake; it helped me see what I really DON’T want anymore. And that’s a good thing.

    4. KCS*

      a.n.o.n. – I’ve totally been there. I was in a job that made me depressed on a daily (and nightly) basis. Just know that, on a certain date in the future, you WILL leave this job for a better one. It is inevitable.

      I know it’s hard to envision now, but years later, I still sometimes think about how awful that job was, and how much happier I am now. Having been in a place of abject misery really gave me perspective; it made me appreciate my subsequent jobs so much more. Of course, no job is perfect, but even the worst day of any of my subsequent jobs did not compare to that one horrible job.

      Volunteering, seeing friends, other hobbies, and the act of job-hunting helped me through.

      Your resilience during this time will make you stronger and more appreciative in the future. Just hang in there. :)

  56. ES*

    I have to share this amazing sentence from a cover letter we received for an open position:

    I can explain how I am qualified for this position; however, it would do my education and experience a great disservice. I encourage you to review my Curriculum Vitae; it is quite impressive.

    And yes, she included a CV for a professional position where we usually receive 1-2 page resumes. Her CV also included every single job she has ever held, including a job dishwashing in 1986.

    1. College Career Counselor*

      NEXT CANDIDATE! The whole things reeks of “I’m so awesome I don’t have to tell you anything because you should just hire me.”

      1. ES*

        Well the best part was that she had NO relevant experience to the job, whatsoever. So the person was both presumptuous and not qualified.

    2. Diet Coke Addict*

      Brilliant. “I COULD explain this but I won’t. Instead, please see my dishwashing experience.” Sometimes I wish for five minutes to talk to people like this, but then again, five minutes might feel like the rest of my life.

    3. Persephone Mulberry*

      My HR manager just showed me a resume with this gem:

      Interests and Hobbies:
      Reading, exercising, underwater basket weaving, knitting sweaters for dogs

      The rest of the resume was a tad wordy (paragraphs instead of bullets) but otherwise totally professional.

      1. Pseudo Annie Nym*

        My mom was a SCUBA instructor for years–owned her own shop! I told her forever that she needed to partner with our family friend who gave basket-weaving lessons and ACTUALLY teach “Underwater Basket Weaving” as a marketing ploy with a semi-real certificate. Alas, she didn’t take my advice and is now out of the business today. (The terrible economy and the fact that people dump frivolous vacation spending first out of the gate having absolutely nothing to do with that, of course.)

  57. Pseudo Annie Nym*

    I’m wondering if people could help me think out a problem I’m having right now. What would you do? I’m back in the job application grind…I’m in a temp job right now that’s OK, but I never know if/when I’ll be employed week-to-week. This is unsustainable and soul-crushing.

    My top company that I want to work with has a job open that they would likely hire me for, but I’m massively overqualified and it’s work that, to quote the hiring manager, “they feel guilty giving to interns because it’s not educational enough.” It would, however, be a full-time job with a living wage and benefits (a step up from the past year of under-paid contracts and job searching!) They would want to hire fairly quickly and have that person stay for at least 2 years.

    This same company has a temp job for 6 months that’s paid less and part-time, but it has does have benefits. I could keep temping in my current company or get another part-time job–I also have enough contracts that part-time would be OK, as long as the pay scale is at the higher end of what is quoted. This job would also be good because it’s more in my skillset and would give me much better resume material than the long-term-but-brainless job.

    I also went to a career fair the other day and found out about a new company that I would LOVE to work for. They were enthusiastic about me and invited me to meet with their creative team–but they might not have a job available for 3 or more months. Once I got in, though, there is opportunity for great professional development and great pay. It’s exactly what I’m looking for in a job, but the recruiter hasn’t even emailed me back yet.

    So, what do I do with this puzzle? I’m 30 years old and have 2 graduate degrees and 3.5 years experience in my field, if that helps.

    1. azvlr*

      I would apply at your top company for the temp job and for the career fair opportunity. One thing I’m hearing is the assumption you’d be hired for which ever job you apply for. Unless you are in a highly specialized and in-demand field, a company often many applicants to choose from. So keep all your options open. If you can get by on contract work and temping for the next three months, you should be able to make it.
      One thing I am learning about surviving on just a little pay: Once you start (actually immediately before) getting a real paycheck again, you could be in a prime situation to set up some savings or retirement accounts for yourself. I once had the choice to get smaller payments throughout the season and a lump-sum at the end of that season or larger, equal payments for the entire season. Once you get used to those larger paychecks, its extremely difficult to wean yourself back off of them.

      1. Pseudo Annie Nym*

        Thanks for this! I actually made the decision shortly after I posted this..it would be disingenuous for me to go for the lower position, even if it pays more. I told the hiring manager right away.

        It is fair for you to question why I might assume I would get the jobs, but I do have a good basis for assumption that I would be hired for these positions–not because I think I’m That Good, but because I have a history of working with this company and have many people who want to see me hired in full-time. I’ve worked with the hiring manager on an informal basis several times and my former supervisor recommended me for the position. Basically, I was flat-out told that this job was mine if I wanted it.

        I’m at an awkward position where I’m too experienced for any of their entry-level jobs (like the one posted) and not experienced enough for the higher-level jobs…and they usually promote from within. The lower position wants to hire soon, but is looking for a 2-year commitment, which I just don’t think I can provide, and I don’t want to burn any bridges). This is a job that is too easy for an intern, and I have 2 years of experience at this company alone, as well as 2 MA’s and 2 years previous experience in the field.

        The temp position is iffier, but I have a very good relationship with this department. I’m just afraid that they’ll say I’m overqualified for the position, as has been a problem lately. I will really happily do admin work for a few months if they pay a living wage and understand that I’m looking for other jobs!

        The new company is the wild card. The First-Mentioned company is the Top in its Field. It’s supposedly the “Dream Job” (egregious caps used to heighten the sense of importance) that everyone in the world wants. Someone else could say that they worked for Google and you would say, “oh, neat!”, and then I could tell you that I worked for This Company, and you would say “WOW”. (Example: I contacted a famous author in Nepal last weekend trying to get some information. When I told them who I worked for, even though I’m a low-level contractor… they contacted me back in 10 minutes saying “You don’t say no to [company]”). I’m not trying to brag, but rather trying to say why I’m at this level of education and experience and still trying to get a full-time job even with tons of contracts and experience and recommendations (even if it means considering an admin-level job).

        Because of this, people see who I have worked for and want to work with me. For some reason, people think they can get away with not paying me because I’m overqualified. [Seriously, a Very Famous institution told me last week that they loved me but that they couldn’t afford to pay me a fair wage…so they’re giving the contract to a former intern/new grad. But then they asked if I would benefit from an UNPAID INTERNSHIP(?!) because that was the only way they could bring me on right now.]

        Up until now, no one has seemed to know what to do with my skills and experience. I’m excited about the new company because they immediately responded to what I had to offer and knew where I was coming from. I could actually breathe easy about not having to “sell” my weird skills because they just Got It. I have no guarantee that they’ll contact me back, but even if they don’t, I’ll keep an eye on their company and apply if something comes up.

        Blergh, I know that this is a way-too-long and too-late response to an off-the-cuff comment…and I think it’s crazy at this point to keep typing because the odds of anyone seeing this and responding to it are nil…but I did want to say that I’m not crazy for assuming what I did! And my position is Really Weird! But I appreciate any responses because it does make me take a hard look at where I am. /crazy rant

        1. Pseudo Annie Nym*

          Ugh. Rereading that post. Can I delete a post on the basis of over-self-importance? (And too many hyphens? And a bad parenthesis?) I still doubt anyone will read it, but damn–this was definitely an “I’m typing out my frustrations” post which I regret publishing. I may actually change my username after this!

  58. Scarletbells*

    So I have a coworker with whom I am friendly, though we do not socialize outside the work setting. He just told me he has treatable cancer, and will soon be out of the office for a while for surgery. Our work is done independently, so this doesn’t really affect me work-wise, but of course I am personally concerned. When he returns, how do I navigate expressing my concern about his health? I don’t want to pry at all, but I am genuinely concerned for his well-being, and I want to know if there is anything I can do to help, inside the workplace or otherwise. (He does have a supportive spouse and many friends, so I know he’s not facing this alone.) I don’t want to overstep my bounds, be nosy, or put him on the spot, but I also don’t want to seem uncaring. Any tips on striking this balance? We’re peers, no management relationship here, if that matters. Thanks in advance.

    1. SimpleeInspired*

      Since the two of you are on friendly terms, I think it should be okay to just say, ‘Hey, how are you feeling? Let me know if you need help with anything.’

    2. Chrissi*

      Or you can certainly volunteer to do something specific. So many people in situations like that hear “let me know…” and it puts the onus on them to think of something for you to do.

      When my dad was getting treatment for cancer, the most helpful thing that people did was to drive him to and from appointments or even just errands. It depends on his treatment after the surgery, but sometimes you’re just too tired or sick to safely drive.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      “Hey, I don’t want to over step my bounds, but if you or your family need something, please let me know. I can give rides, cook casseroles [insert what you do here]. Here’s my number. please let your family know I am available.”

  59. Poster formerly known as Jane Doe*

    I have a question that I’m really struggling with. I work in the design and construction industry, and was recruited to work at the company I now work for about a year ago. I started here 6 months, and overall have been incredibly happy. Absolutely made the right decision. This company found out about me based on the word of a mutual client, who basically told them that the reason my old company was getting more work with them was because I worked there, and if new company hired me, then maybe the’d get more work too.

    So, here’s what’s bothering me. My new boss has struggled with understanding why the client likes me more than him. He’s said on three occasions that it must be “Because I’m cuter than him”. The first two times I essentially ignored it – despite being an incredibly demeaning and unfair thing to say. The third time, I said “No, I need you to stop saying t hat. The reason they like me is because I work extremely hard and am incredibly good at my job”. I was so frustrated at the implication that my success had come at something like “cuteness”. He seemed kind of sheepish, and hasn’t said it since. However, he has been reluctant to give me any real responsibility, instead deferring to the people that he’s known longer.

    I’m struggling with understanding if this behavior is more because I’m a newbie, or if he honestly thinks I’m not as capable as my client thinks. It’s really rubbed me the wrong way.

    What would you guys do in this situation?

    1. Eba*

      Sounds like you undoubtedly insulted your new boss by saying the client likes you more than new boss because you work extremely hard and are incredibly good at your job – thus implying that new boss does not/is not.
      I would suggest keep working, praise your boss for his guidance (or something) and get back on his good side. Also, yes you should take into account that you are a newbie, and you may have to lose out on some higher profile projects until you prove yourself. I say may because that totally depends on how your boss and your company operate, and also what you were hired to do.

      1. Aisling*

        How did she insult her boss? She called his bluff on his comments, and stated facts. I don’t see how this insulted him, unless he’s in the habit of trying to read something into things where it isn’t there.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          He’s probably in the habit of reading things that aren’t there.
          Seriously. Sad stuff, though.

          1. Poster formerly known as Jane Doe*

            Honestly, I don’t really feel like I insulted him so much as I maybe make him a little insecure? I don’t mean that egotistically, but he seems a little over concerned with people seeing him as a “brilliant, deep thinker”, and its almost like he sees me as a threat to how people see him – and that’s a tough thing to deal with. It feels like he’s trying to devalue what a bring to the table so that he can tell himself that there really is no reason why they liked me better. But I’m an entirely different kind of personality, and I work really hard to relate to this client – I try my best to make it about them, not about me, and he does the opposite.

            In terms of thanking him for his guidance, and… sort of kissing up to him, but I feel like I’m past the point in my life where I want to do that. Maybe that’s to my own detriment, but I’ve done that in the past and it seems like that just builds up egos and takes credit away from the work I’ve done and the impact I’ve made. In the past I’ve been really ok with not taking credit, and not standing up for myself, and it’s hurt the ability for me to make progress in certain arenas.

            In terms of the cute thing, I really want to ask him if he would say that to a guy – cause if he wouldn’t, that’s the first problem. But I’ll probably keep my mouth shut on that. ;)

    2. Anonylicious*

      My response to things like that (working in a very male-dominated industry) has always been “Yeah. I am cuter. Maybe look into exfoliating?” or something along those lines. And then pushing for more work and more responsibility. Time will prove that you’re as awesome as the client thinks, unless he’s just a jack*ss.

      If that turns out to be the case, then you’ve got to weigh the pros and cons of working for a jack*ss.

  60. C*

    I posted last week that I’ve been waiting (and waiting) to hear back about a state government job…

    …I got a very promising call today! The position has 4 openings and they wanted to clarify my location preference. Also discussed starting salary, told me I am a top candidate because they are very impressed with my resume and interviewing, and I will get a call back next week!

    I know it’s not over til it’s over, but I am so happy to hear something! Plus this was an out of state interview and if I get it I can actually move to be with my partner with a job in hand.

  61. the_scientist*

    Here’s a question about baked goods in the office! I work for a program that’s part of a large organization- the program is large and geographically diverse but there are 4 of us that are full-time program staff. We’re all young women, if that matters. We just wrapped up our first fiscal year of a grant and managed to survive the overly complicated reporting requirements, deadlines and expectations of the organization relatively unscathed (this was a first time for all of us, and our boss is out on extended leave, so it was a real trial by fire scenario).

    We would not have been able to succeed in either year-end wrap-up or throughout the year as a whole without the help of people throughout the organization, who were so patient with our questions and confusion. The program manager suggested distributing little packages of cookies to all the folks that were exceptionally helpful and responsive to us (with the bonus that a “cookie bake-off” would be a good social activity and celebration for us). My question is- does this seem like sucking up? Do we risk being labelled “the cookie girls” or something? We are always polite and appreciate in all our communications and show our thanks that way- should we just leave it at that? What do AAM folks think?

    1. Just a Reader*

      Given that you’re all young women, I think giving cookies as thanks for professional help is too cutesy–especially when you’re baking them.

      An email of appreciation, ccing any relevant managers, would be far more professional and effective.

    2. CTO*

      I don’t think it looks like sucking up, but I do think that it sends a weird message to have a team of young women baking cookies together for their co-workers. It’s different than if you baked at home as a hobby, because this would come with the connotation of “The best use of our professional time and skills is to bake cookies for you.”

      Can you buy something to distribute? If not, how about meeting for a happy hour (to get the team-building) where you just write thank-you notes to each person?

      1. the_scientist*

        You have both hit on my key concerns with the suggestion. I personally much prefer the idea of a hand-written thank you note perhaps accompanied by something else but my co-workers seem to love the baking idea so I may have to go along with it.

        1. Celeste*

          I love the thank you notes. I’m not averse to treats, but no way would I want to do the bonding exercise of a girls’ night in baking. Barf. I would probably go with little gift boxes of chocolates for the same effect.

  62. Queen Victoria*

    Not work-related at all, but I just got Lasik surgery the other day and I absolutely love it. I highly recommend it for anyone who has been on the fence about whether or not to get it!

    2. Emily, admin extraordinaire*

      I wish I could! Unfortunately, my eyesight is so bad that I’m not considered a candidate. :(

      About my only option for corrective vision surgery is an intra-ocular lens, which is beaucoup bucks. Boo.

      1. Anonylicious*

        I feel you on not being a candidate. And not all my vision problems are due to refractive errors, so lasik would only be of limited use for me even if I were able to get it.

        I’m about to leave work to go get dye put in my eyes so they can take more pictures. Yay. :/

      2. Mimmy*

        Oh wow, do you not have your natural lenses? I also am without lenses due to congenital cataracts that were removed. I explored the possibility of getting intra-ocular lenses, but ended up dropping the idea–I forget why exactly, but I think it was thought that it wasn’t the best option due to the anatomy of my eyes.

        1. Emily, admin extraordinaire*

          I do have my natural lenses, but there’s a version of the intraocular lens that leaves your natural lens intact and adds a second magnifying lens behind it. It’s kind of like a permanent contact lens, but behind the cornea instead of in front of it.

    3. Eba*

      Yes, I waited way too long to get mine done, and I don’t hesitate to tell that to anyone who asks! I’m definitely glad I had it done before having my baby – dealing with a grabby newborn and glasses would not have been too appealing for me.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Oh man, I want to ask my eye doctor about this. He put me in distance-only contacts (nearsighted with astigmatism), which suck, because I have to wear reading glasses now for EVERYTHING. If I wanted to wear glasses all the time, I’d wear my glasses (multi-focal)!

      Watch him say I can’t get it. :P At least put me back in contacts that let me see the computer!

      1. Ellen*

        Can you have one eye (or contact lens) in far distance and the other in medium distance? I’ve had this configuration for several years now, and only need readers for close up vision when I have my lenses in.

  63. Karyn*

    I’m sorry to be depressing so early in the weekend, but I want to pots this somewhere.

    http://madamenoire.com/419330/karyn-washington-founder-empowering-site-brown-girls-commits-suicide/

    This incredible young woman was a friend of mine. We became friends because of the shared spelling of our first names. She built a blog and an entire online community toward the betterment of young black women, helping them feel comfortable in their own skin. She was an innovative thinker, beautiful, bright, an inspiration. I know she personally inspired me, and I KNOW she inspired hundreds of other women around the world. The last few days’ worth of messages, tributes, and stories have proven as much.

    But despite all the people who loved, admired, and cared for her, this incredible 22 year old woman was driven to this terrible decision by her own demons, demons which she chose not to share with any of her friends or family members. Demons which we couldn’t see, because they were hidden behind a beautiful, red-lipped smile.

    Her mother passed away in October 2013, and we all knew she was grieving, but we thought she was moving forward. We thought she was becoming more her old self. Her last Facebook post was, “Choose happiness.” We thought she was finally coming out of her depression.

    We thought wrong.

    I’m posting this here because, well, I want to make sure no one else has to go through what we are all going through now. If you haven’t talked to a friend in a while, if they’ve been going through something, send them a message. Try to get them talking, if you suspect something is off. No matter if you think someone “seems fine,” reach out. I wish I had. I wish I’d listened to my instincts. Maybe if I had, Kay would still be here. I don’t blame myself, necessarily, but I wish I’d done more to stop her.

    The world is infinitely poorer for her loss, but I hope that in bringing her story to others, I can help keep this tragedy from happening again.

    Thank you guys for listening to me babble. We now return you to your regularly scheduled open thread.

      1. Karyn*

        Thank you. She was a remarkable woman. She always had something lovely and positive to say to everyone she touched. I remember when I was going through my breakup with my ex, she was one of the first people to reach out to me and tell me I was better off without that loser. She made, and would have continued to make, a real difference in this world. It’s a terrible loss and a waste that she is gone from us, but like I said, I’m trying to make sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen to anyone else. It’s the least I can do in her memory.

    2. Brett*

      “Her last Facebook post was, ‘Choose happiness’ We thought she was finally coming out of her depression.

      We thought wrong.”

      You might not have been wrong. Coming out of depression can sometimes be a very dangerous period because you still have suicidal thoughts, which may even be increasing in intensity and frequency, but now have the energy to act on them. People the same age as Kay appear to be particularly vulnerable to this paradoxical problem.

      You should get counseling. You _really_ should get counseling. Depression is far more complicated than just having someone reach out to you, and a counselor can help you understand that and constructively grieve.

      1. Karyn*

        Believe me, I unfortunately know the terrors and complications of depression, and I’ve got a kickass therapist who’s helping me work through my own grief process. I’ve got bipolar disorder myself, which is actually almost more dangerous because when you’re manic, you’re more likely to act impulsively on suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, I’ve moved past having those myself, but I know that I might not be here if it hadn’t been for some very kind people in my life who reached out to me when I felt alone.

        It’s not that I think any one of us could have kept Kay from doing this just by asking if she was okay or listening to her talk. But I feel like if anyone had reached out and grabbed hold of her and said, “You need professional help,” which it seems like no one really did, that might have made a difference.

        Then again, Monday morning quarterbacking won’t bring her back, so all I can do is try to keep this from happening to someone else.

    3. Stephanie*

      So sorry for your loss. She sounded like a remarkable woman.

      I second Brett–you should go see a counselor or therapist. You shouldn’t place the blame on yourself.

    4. anon in tejas*

      I am sorry for your loss. And I hope that her memory lives on in the lives that she’s touched and the work that she did.

      Take care of yourself. And thank you for the reminder.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I am profoundly sorry for your loss of your friend. So young and so pretty.

      Please look into grief counseling. There is a lot to learn about grief and all the ways it manifests. And if anyone tells you there is some kind of time line for grief- move away from that person. They have no clue how to support you.

      There’s some great books out there on grief to check out also. It’s kind of a personal choice, you have to look at a few before you find one or two that resonate with you. But I promise you can find something that feels like the author is talking directly to you. What struck me, is that these books are not hard to read- they have gentle words that helped me to find my own set of words. It’s an investment in yourself.

  64. Anna*

    So, when I was reading the comments on the emotional intelligence post of a few days ago, in conjunction with the earlier post about the tone of comments, I realized something and I am interested in people’s thoughts. (I don’t know if Allison doesn’t want us to bring up the blog on the open thread, and if so, that’s fine – just delete.)

    The comments on the emotional intelligence thread were not heated at all. In fact, they, to me, very much represented the AAM of old. Differing perspectives, some “nicer” than others. Mild derailment but nothing crazy. As compared to most of the other threads, they don’t represent the more aggressive tone of the internet in general that has now crept onto AAM.

    The difference is I think down to the fact that the post did not trip any broader “social issues”. When people who comment frequently on a blog, they feel a sense of ownership of the blog and it becomes a safe space that they want to “police.” There’s nothing wrong with that per se (like when that weird troll posted Allison’s public records, people immediately emailed) but as the wider internet shows, no matter what side of the aisle you are on, “resolving” appropriate “language” is a heated and often unpleasant process. Both “liberal” and “conservative” have picked up a relentlessly snarky and dismissive tone on pretty much all online spaces (one of the reasons I’ve just given up on jezebel and other sites). I think this has entered this blog and is now (like everywhere else) changing the tone of the blog comments. For example, there was a sudden shift where people began to be called trolls, even long term commentators, and Allison had to step in.

    My suggestion is that one way to reduce this is to actually try to consciously limit the number of posts that trip “social issues + employment issues” as opposed to “employment issues”. So if a really interesting post comes in but in almost unrelated aside the OP uses the word female to refer to a woman, just delete the word! That way we don’t have to debate the word “female” for 400 posts (again). And maybe space out the posts on controversial issues between posts like “am I using emotional intelligence” so that the general tone of the blog stays more neutral.

    2. Jamie*

      I think the language issue has been addressed and now that there are guidelines to not go down that rabbit hole it shouldn’t be much of an issue going forward. It will still happen because of people new to the sight, but we’re pretty darn good at polite and civil policing.

      I personally like that Alison prints the letters as they come (with the exception of cleaning up typos, etc.) because that’s the voice of the letter writer. And that’s a fine line for her to walk, because taking out a word which could be seen as offensive to some could result in it being replaced by a word which could be offensive to others. There is too much variance on this kind of thing. Tens of thousands of people read this site and while some of us will align overall with some others, everyone will have their own idea of what is and isn’t okay to say.

      I would hate to see Alison start editing for language use because I really think it would change the tone of the site.

      But language stuff totally aside, I do agree that the social or personal issues stuff tend to get more comments because they pluck us where we live – at our customs and/or values.

      The same reason someone not replacing the paper in the copier doesn’t ever elicit the same moral outrage as not replacing the toilet paper in the bathroom. The more personal something is the more passionate the response.

      1. Jamie*

        Tens of thousands of people read this site

        I meant on any given post – and this is going by memory from a time Alison mentioned traffic. I know that over all unique views are much higher.

        Edited for clarity.

    3. Sunflower*

      I think the best thing about this blog though is that deals with social and workplace issues because there really aren’t any other blogs that do. Before I started regularly reading this, I googled several workplace questions and was directed here multiple times because no other sites addressed it. I agree that I sometimes wish things like that didn’t end up taking up so much space but sometimes little words like that can be important. Like yes we definitely don’t have to debate female vs woman but in the context, it might make someone realize ‘oh wait because they used this word, maybe this is whats going on’

      I also like that Allison prints the letters as is because I think it makes it easier for us to pick up on what might be going on. Like the letter about the woman who had the coworker who wanted to be her mentor but was freaking out about the time constraints. Once some comments came in, it became clear that the coworker might be selling her something. If Allison had edited that letter, I’m not sure we would have came to that conclusion.

      I did like how Allison posted on the gun workplace issue to keep it work related and not debate gun laws and feelings.

      1. Kelly L.*

        +1

        Sometimes leaving the problematic wording intact can help illuminate an underlying issue. That’s not to say we should harp on the exact same point for 500 comments, but to bring it up briefly can be helpful.

      2. Sophia*

        I don’t think that social issues can be separated from work/employment issues, but as another poster said, I think Alison clarifying her policy a few days (weeks?) ago has helped

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      For what it’s worth, I don’t really think “the rest of the internet” has crept in here that much. Problematic comments are less than 1% of what’s here, so I’d encourage people to focus on the 99% great comments and ignore the stuff that’s not your cup of tea.

    5. Del*

      Why on earth would Alison want to censor posts that could bring about discussion and possibly education? If the OP uses the word “female” as a noun, then that’s something it’s worth noting and discussing, just as much as it’s worth discussing when a manager OP asks a question that tangentially reveals they are engaging in poor managerial behavior.

    6. fposte*

      I see where you’re going there, and I agree that the contention isn’t helpful. However, as I said in an earlier set of comments, I really, really would like to have a space where people who see these things differently can civilly discuss them, because I think one reason why these discussions can be difficult is that many of us only have them with those who think like us. So if we can pull off the ideal of talking about these issues (which do come up in the workplace, so it’s not like it’s a stretch) and staying civil, I think that’s a real contribution, and it’s worth the risk of some contention.

    7. Joey*

      Some of them interest me. I don’t read the ones that don’t. As long as this site remains mostly interesting I can deal with an occasional string of uninteresting comments.

    8. Rev.*

      “…My suggestion is that one way to reduce this is to actually try to consciously limit the number of posts that trip “social issues + employment issues” as opposed to “employment issues…”

      I recognize/respect the fact that you’re trying to improve this space.

      Having said that, your suggestion is like trying to make fat-free, healthy gumbo. It doesn’t taste like the real thing, and it leaves the taster (reader) with a vague sense of dissatisfaction.

      My wife makes a mean-tasting gumbo. She, however, hates oysters…

      (I LOVE them, and can do a Bubba Gump rant on the # of ways you can fix them, starting with raw-on-the-half-shell, with green hot sauce and horseradish, and ending with zucchini -baked-with Parmesan cheese…)

      But, she realizes that it’s essential to the dish, so she loads it up, and announces, “There’s oysters in the pot, so watch it!”
      So, those few who prefer their gumbo bowl oyster-free, simply pay attention to the ladle.

      (Today’s Friday, so I used a seafood metaphor. Lent, you know…)

  65. PartTimer*

    I’m a non-exempt employee who was hired to work up to 24 hours a week. That lasted about a month and I have been working 40+ hours every week since for the past 8 months. Unfortunately, as a part-time employee, this company does not offer benefits at an affordable rate. My issue is that I’m working full-time hours. I need health insurance so I’ve been paying double what I would if I was full-time. I tried to talk to my manager about it, but he put me off to HR. HR basically said that since my status in the system is part-time, that’s what the benefits have to go off of.

    I thought there was some stipulation in the ACA that said 30 hours a week was full-time and that provided some kind of recourse if you’re working 30 or more hours a week but I think that’s only if you are not getting benefits. Is there any way I can force them to give me benefits at the full-time rate when I am working full-time?

    1. Nodumbunny*

      It depends on a number of factors, including the size of the employer. If they have fewer than 50 employees, they don’t have to provide coverage. If they have 50-99 employees, then by 2016 they will have to offer coverage to at least 95% of FT employees (defined as 30+ hours). If they have 100+ employees, they have to offer to 70% of FT employees (30+ hours) in 2015, 90% in 2016.

      If they have 50+ employees and they offer coverage that you don’t get and then you qualify for a subsidy when you buy insurance through an exchange, then they have to pay a penalty.

      1. PartTimer*

        The company has about 1200 employees. I was able to find the information you posted, but the thing is I am covered. I’m just paying twice as much than I think I should because I’m designated as a part-time employee. But I’m working full time hours and have been. So I feel that I should be treated as a full time employee and pay the lower full time fee.

        1. H. Rawr*

          Another part of the ACA is that you’d also have to be provided affordable coverage. There are a lot of options on how to calculate it, but generally the cost should be less than 9.5% of your wages. They don’t actually have to start doing this legally until next year, and nodumbunny already mentioned that there is a safe harbor that the company can have some exclusions.

          You could probably push harder since I would bet they have an actual definition of full-time both in the handbook and in their insurance policy that doesn’t care what’s listed in the payroll system, but I’d be prepared for this fight to end with your hours cut as opposed to getting cheaper insurance…

          1. CTO*

            That 9.5 percent rule is, more precisely, that the employee’s cost for employee-only coverage must consume less than 9.5% of the employee’s total gross household income. If the employer’s plan meets that threshold, than the employee’s entire household is generally not eligible for any kind of tax credits or other affordability help unless their income is low enough to qualify for Medicaid.

            So in short, they look at the income of other family members, but they don’t take into account the cost of the employer’s insurance plan for those other family members. So if an employer charges you $0 for employee-only coverage and $10,000/mo for your spouse/children, you don’t qualify for any assistance. (But you would probably still find a better deal on the exchange even without the help of tax credits.)

    2. O*

      Are you getting paid for full time hours though? And is there a systems department that handles the HR technical items, because that is who I would talk to about getting the status changed, if there are documents showing you worked full time hours. If there aren’t you need to start keeping track of that right now to prove it.

      1. PartTimer*

        Yes I am. Every pay check for the last 8 months (I’ve saved copies of all my pay stubs) has had 40 or more hours on it.

  66. Seeking A New Job*

    I applied for a position back in December and I really thought I was a perfect fit. I sent over the best possible resume and cover letter I thought I could come up with. I never heard anything back. Recently, the position has been re-posted on the company’s website and I want to try again. Should I re-send the email I sent back in December, and add a little note about what I’ve been up to since then? I’ve gotten advice from a friend that I shouldn’t follow up on my previous email, rather I should start a new cover letter and resume from scratch. To be honest I used up all my best stuff in that last cover letter and resume and not sure what else to say. If I start from scratch, should I mention that I sent my application 4 months ago, or just ignore it and pretend the HR person hasn’t heard this whole spiel from me before?

    1. CTO*

      I would stay to send in a fresh application, but it’s okay to re-use what you did before. Just send a new email, not a response to your prior application.

      The HR person might not even remember you anyway…

    2. Eba*

      Personally – I would just apply again. From my experience, HR doesn’t go backwards, so even if your resume/letter sound familiar, they probably don’t have it to compare. Are you sure you used all your best stuff? Since you didn’t get a call, I would suggest writing that letter different this go-around, maybe even tailor your resume differently.

    3. Eden*

      Seeking A New Job, I feel your pain. My 2 cents’ worth: I would scour this site for cover letter and resume advice, read it all, and then take a hard look at what you submitted for that job previously.

      When I started applying for jobs, I was sure my resume and cover letters were just fine. I endured radio silence on the job front for three months. I got discouraged, decided maybe my resume and cover letters were the problem, after all. I then tried to apply every bit of advice I could, and within about two weeks, I had two job offers to choose from.

      I know you say you ‘used up all your best stuff’ in the last cover letter, but I know from my experience , I could do better. It was not easy, but very worth it.

  67. A Jane*

    *Successful Relationships between National headquarters & Regional teams*

    Does anyone have any recommendations or tips when engaging either National headquarters or individual regional teams? In my past experience, there seems to be a tension between regional-specific needs versus the role of the national office.

    1. Jillociraptor*

      This question is my life, A Jane. A big part of my job is facilitating communication between our national and regional teams and each side usually feels like the other is speaking a different language. We actually have roles for each division in our organization that form a bridge between national and regional – so the Teapot Design national team has staff members whose specific role is only to liaise and partner with regional staff members who work on Teapot Design.

      Biggest suggestion: Work on understanding where each side is coming from, where their frustrations are, what their expectations are. Our regional teams feel like national teams are CONSTANTLY on their case to do this or that, without considering their perspective or articulating why that action is necessary. National teams feel like they’re sending information into a black hole and getting radio silence from regions. We’re working on this with better infrastructure and expectations, but it requires that EVERYONE have empathy for what the other is trying to accomplish and for the various pressures that are bearing on each side.

      Have national staff spend time directly with individual regions, and have each side give clear feedback to the other. Don’t assume shared goals–build relationships by understanding each others’ needs, not by making piecemeal connections and requests. And as a national person (me), I try to be really clear in articulating what the function of my team is because…it sure isn’t to delegate work to regions, even if I need their direct partnership to make anything happen.

  68. Jamie*

    Are any of you familiar with Confession Bear and Unpopular Opinion Mallard on reddit?

    Sometimes I wish could do these for work and post them anonymously.

      1. Jamie*

        Your user name would make for an awesome meme.

        Befuddled Squirrel – Patron Meme of End Users

    2. shaky bacon*

      Same here.

      Actually, I would love it if it were socially acceptable to respond to emails with memes.

      Example: Person-I-Don’t-Like emails me with a request to do Some-Annoying-Thing.

      My response: *insert Grumpy Cat NO*

      1. Jamie*

        You should from your own company where that is the culture and hire me – I’ll take a pay cut to be able to do that – and I will help you take over the world.

      2. Pip*

        This. At OldJob I suggested that we should start communicating in cat memes with certain project managers, because plain English did not seem to take.

        And then there were the project managers who included pictures of sad puppies in the e-mails when they had to apologise for something.

  69. Newly Unemployed*

    Why do companies bother listing salary requirements as “DOE”? We all know they have a range in mind. Just tell me what it is up front so we don’t waste each other’s time!

    I just got turned down for a job I really wanted because they said that even though they loved me, they couldn’t afford to pay someone with my level of experience.

    Why bring me in for 2 interviews and string me along for another 2 weeks if you knew you weren’t going to go above a certain pay level? So frustrating!

    1. KCS*

      What the heck. HR really screwed that process up. Salary expectations on both sides should be screened in the beginning rather than after 2 interviews!

      For example, one screening interviewer from HR more or less said to me, “The salary is going to be $X and is not negotiable. If this is acceptable to you, we can proceed. If not, then this is not the right position for you.”

      I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know how interviews alone can be nerve-wracking, so to go through all that for nothing must be so frustrating.

      Good luck on the rest of your job search.

  70. IndieGir*

    Ok, all you business travelers out there! I’m considering getting new luggage and am thinking about an under-the-seat roll-aboard, the kind that’s supposed to be able to hold your laptop and a change of clothes. Does anyone have one? Pros/cons/recommendations? Thanks!!

    1. Just a Reader*

      I have Samsung one. If I’m using it for clothes and laptop etc, it does not fit under the seat. If it fits under the seat, I have nowhere to put my purse. If I’m also taking a suitcase, it’s too cumbersome to have two rolling bags, even when stacked. If traveling to, say, New York, it doesn’t work trying to navigate it on crowded sidewalks.

      I travel a good bit and only use this once a year at a conference where I’m in the same room/seat the whole time.

      1. IndieGir*

        Thanks for the input — I was wondering if they really did fit under the seat, and how useful it would be. This info is really helpful!

        1. Just a Reader*

          I’m glad! I actually use a neoprene laptop bag from Built NY–it only holds my laptop and weighs almost nothing. That’s made travel a LOT easier. I’ll carry it and a big tote on the plane if I’m checking luggage, or stick my laptop in my tote and the laptop bag in my suitcase if I’m carrying on.

          Mine is black: http://www.amazon.com/BUILT-11-13-Inch-Neoprene-Laptop-Summer/dp/B0055GJF46/ref=sr_1_55?ie=UTF8&qid=1397235532&sr=8-55&keywords=built+ny+laptop+case

          2. Katie the Fed*

            FWIW, Built also makes an awesome neoprene lunch bag. I got one for christmas – it holds a lot of stuff (I bring lots of snacks) and keeps things cold. I just got one for my fiance too – love it so much.

  71. Kelly*

    Hi all,

    I’ve been job searching for the past two years, since moving home from overseas. AMA has been a great help in my life the last three months, thank you Alison and readers.

    My question today is to do with networking. I live in a very small tourist town, one I am hoping to leave soon since I think it is really hampering my job search.

    Because of my location, I do keep in touch with former coworkers, but it is almost exclusively via social media. So my question is: is there a more effective way to ask people electronically for help with my search? I’m thinking LinkedIn asks and Facebook asks for people I know specifically asking for them to keep their eyes peeled for jobs or let me know of opportunities.

    I don’t want it to seem like a passive thing, so it is best to do it personally instead of broadcasting to a large group of people? I think people have forgotten I’m still job searching since I have some side projects I work on, but I very much want a job.

    Thank you.

    1. Nodumbunny*

      I’m a big believer in doing those sorts of asks in person if possible. Contact them through FB or LinkedIn if that is the only contact info you have and ask if they have time for coffee or lunch.

  72. SJ*

    I may be re-locating from the east coast to the SF Bay area in a few months. While I’d ideally keep my current job, there is a possibility that they won’t allow me to telecommute. They have allowed it for employees who have similar job duties, but not for others, and I’m not sure what criteria they use to make that decision.

    I’ve heard that it’s difficult for a person over 40 to get a job in SF, especially in tech-related fields. Is this accurate, and if so, how deeply ingrained is it? I’d expect some start-up companies to have a bias toward youth, but there’s more to tech than start-ups. If this is something I’ll need to overcome, does anyone have any pointers on how to do so?

    1. Befuddled Squirrel*

      Bay Area tech worker here. Yes, there is a significant amount of age discrimination here. And discrimination in general. You’ll definitely see the ugly side of tech industry culture – young guys fresh out of college acting like they own the world and no one else belongs in it.

      But there’s another side to this. Because the tech industry is huge here, there are enough jobs to go around. I recommend going one (or both) of two routes – emphasize an area of knowledge you have that’s unusual and in demand and/or emphasize that you have wonderful people skills and glowing references to support that. If you can create any kind of online portfolio, that will also help.

      The strongest bias is towards people or who unemployed or not settled in the area. So get a 415 phone number as soon as you can and start applying for new jobs before leaving your old one.

      1. Sunflower*

        For getting a new number, a lot of people recommend google voice/number instead of canceling your current phone plan!

        1. Befuddled Squirrel*

          Yes, and that will make you look more technical and therefore better qualified.

        2. Eden*

          Be careful! Turns out one employer was trying to call my Google Voice number and the company phone system wouldn’t let her call it. Fortunately, she also had my email!

  73. AAA*

    I have a question about salary negotiation on a not-yet-job-offer.

    I interviewed for a position back in February–the interview went great and they seemed super interested. But, at the end of the 4 (!) hour interview, I asked about they hiring timeline and was told that they haven’t yet secured the projects they the new hire would be working on OR the funding for the position in general. So basically I interviewed for a position that ultimately may not even become an actual hire.

    I’ve kept in contact with the hiring manager since then, and she keeps giving me updates on the projects/funding, and assuring me that they will be able to make a hiring decision soon. It sounds like they are likely to make me an offer once they get the funding. (They’re asking my availability for start dates, negotiating around a pre-planned vacation I have, etc.)

    In the two months we have been talking back and forth nothing whatsoever has been mentioned about salary. Especially knowing that they hadn’t secured funding for the position at all, I was reluctant to bring it up. In fact, now they have definitely secured the projects, but they *still* don’t have the funding in place. But I’m getting a little nervous that I don’t have any idea about what compensation might look like.

    The biggest problem is that I have NO idea what the market range should look like for this position. The position itself is kind of unique, and I can’t find any data on how to price it. I know what kind of value I bring and can negotiate based on this, but I am really concerned that they are at any moment going to ask me to name a range and I’ll be wildly off base. (Of course I’ll ask what they’ve budgeted, but not sure how forthcoming they will be, given that nothing has been mentioned so far). It’s the kind of position that I can’t tell if it pays $30,000 or $70,000 — mostly because it involves specialized knowledge (I have a Ph.D. in the field needed) but the general role without the specialized knowledge (“content developer”) is very much entry level.

    I feel like I’ve established a good rapport with the hiring manager, having spoken back and forth over two months, but I’ve never really gotten this far into the hiring process without having some clue as to compensation…
    Advice as to how to bring it up and negotiate?

  74. Nodumbunny*

    Can I have a job-seeking related mini-rant here to get it out of my system.

    Early in March I saw a non-profit job posting I was interested in, did some research and found out the Board Chair of the org. is someone I know and have worked with on work projects that were collaborations between their organization and my former organization (in other words, we weren’t coworkers, but we were colleagues). We are also social/business friendly acquaintances in my town’s social/business sphere.

    The available job was very high up, so I knew s/he’d have visibility to it. Called, ended up talking not to the Board Chair (who was out of town) but to someone else I knew who is also very involved with the nonprofit and who spent 45 minutes talking up the job to me and encouraging me to apply. So I applied, nice cover letter, custom version of my resume, and let the Board Chair know I’d applied when s/he returned to town.

    This week I found out I didn’t even get an interview! I thanked the search committee chair for letting me know, then forwarded the search committee chair’s email to the Board Chair with an “FYI, wasn’t sure how close you were to the search process, disappointed I didn’t get an interview but oh well” kind of message. I got a short email from Board Chair saying s/he wouldn’t know anything about the candidates until the second round of interviews and that this must mean they had a good pool of applicants. Well, yes it must mean that, but this means s/he didn’t lift a finger to say even one good word in my favor! I am so pissed! I didn’t in any way think I had this in the bag, but to not even get an interview in an arena in which I was fully qualified and am known by the Chair? I give up!

    1. Persephone Mulberry*

      I’m confused.

      If the Board Chair didn’t know that you applied for the job until she got back in town, isn’t it possible the hiring committee had already progressed beyond the resume review stage before she had a chance to say anything?

      Also, it’s possible that she didn’t/doesn’t think you’re as strong a candidate for the position as you do, and her response was politely avoiding saying so to your face.

      1. O*

        Mulberry, nicely worded response. To be perfectly honest, the second e-mail was completely unnecessary and (to me) comes off like entitlement. Sorry you didn’t get an interview, that always sucks.

    2. MJ*

      The Board Chair let you know that s/he was not involved in the early part of selections. A Board Chair who respects his/her team will not overstep, giving undue weight to a particular applicant by asking for that applicant to get preference. I don’t think this is personal. I think it was a professional choice.

  75. Just a Reader*

    I have an “is it legal?” question. Just curiosity really.

    My friend’s daughter is a waitress. She makes $3 an hour and her employer deducts tips from her paycheck–so sometimes she makes $0 in her actual check.

    So if she worked 40 hours at $3/hour, but made $150 in tips–her employer doesn’t pay her at all. Blank check.

    Is that legal?

    1. AAA*

      The tips themselves shouldn’t be deducted from the paycheck, but they should be counted towards earnings that are taxed. I used to work as a waitress for $2.13/hour and (because you legally have to claim at least 8% of your sales in tips) I routinely had “void” paychecks. All that I earned went to taxes. This is fairly typical.

      BUT– (I am not a lawyer) the actual tips shouldn’t be deducted from the paycheck–that would mean that the tips were to the restaurant itself and not to the server, which is not the usual understanding of how tips work. In fact it is only *because* tips go to the server that the restaurant is allowed to pay below minimum wage to begin with.

    2. Brett*

      Are you sure that is what is happening? They may be deducting income and payroll taxes for her tips from her $3/hr, not the tips themselves.
      This can result in a $0 check too.

    3. Befuddled Squirrel*

      I assume you mean the employer deducts taxes owed on tips from her paycheck. If so, that’s not only legal but industry standard. Most wait staff support themselves entirely on tips and get blank or nearly blank paychecks. I say this as someone who worked in restaurants for ten years. Tips are not just a gesture. They’re the way wait staff are compensated for their work.

        1. Befuddled Squirrel*

          She probably misunderstood. Waitstaff get blank checks because taxes owed on tips are deducted, but that could be confusing for someone outside the industry.

          1. Shana*

            Yes, and some restaurant payrolls add the tips as income on the paystub, tax them, then show a tip deduction in the deduction column. So if you are new to the tipped world it looks pretty confusing.

      2. Sunflower*

        Yes, I waited tables up til about 6 months ago and almost always got blank checks. You do need to check by state but have your friend check her daughter’s pay stub. The deductions should be tax deductions, not tips.

        Although some restaurants do pull some shady things like making employee’s contribute percentage of tips to the management(not the same as tipping out bartenders/bussers which is normal). The only reason tips are even declared is because if your tips don’t equal out to minimum wage then the restaurant is supposed to pay you up to min. wage but from what I’ve seen that rarely happens.

    4. StaminaTea*

      Depends on state law! It varies SO MUCH from state to state. Generally there’s a minimum dollar amount per hour that serving staff have to make, but usually that means the restaurant has to still give staff at least a couple of bucks an hour…google your state and minimum tipping wages.

    5. OriginalYup*

      It’s been a while since I waited tables and this varies by state, but the way it worked for me here was:

      I got paid $X/hr (about half of minimum wage) plus tips. I took home the cash tips after every shift. I got paychecks twice per month that paid (a) the hours I’d clocked in times my rate, plus (b) any tips paid by credit card, minus (c) taxes based on 10% of my food & beverage sales as tracked by the computerized ordering system.

      So the paycheck subtraction was just the mechanism by which the restaurant could withhold the proper estimated taxes. The alternative was having me account for all the cash tips on a real-time basis, and then them calc’ing the taxes and creating a W-2 after the fact. So sometimes my paycheck was $20 for two weeks work due to all the taxes that came out based on a percentage of my sales, but the paycheck wasn’t my entire source of pay so it all came out in the wash.

    6. Joey*

      I bet they’re deducting taxes on the cash tips resulting in no paycheck. That’s perfectly legal as long as she’s getting the salary minimum for tipped employees. But if you do well in tips and report them all to your employer it’s not hard to eat up all of your paycheck. Now whether or not she reports all tips is another issue. She’s supposed to, but tons of tipped employees don’t, I would probably surmise the majority.

  76. Liz R.*

    I’m hoping someone has some advice/insight on this – I’m planning to move to a city <3 hrs. away from my current job (to be closer to family & friends) as soon as possible, and have been applying to positions for about 3 months. I have not been hearing back, and I am starting to worry that it will be hard to get a job in the area if I don't currently live there. However, I also know that it can be easier to get a job if you're currently employed. I'm reluctant to quit my job and move without another job lined up, but my current job is my first job out of school (I interned here for 2 years, and have been a full time employee for a year), and I'm hesitant to walk away from this position without a solid plan. Has anyone else found themselves in this situation before?

    1. C*

      I’ve been applying from out of state, and have one promising bite so far. I made it very explicit on my cover letter that I am moving to their location for my own reasons, hence why I am applying from so far away. I think if you make it clear on your cover letter, you have a better chance.

    2. Dang*

      D0n’t quit to move unless you have something lined up, unless you are in dire circumstances.

      I got more interviews here when I was living 700 miles away than I do currently with 6+ months unemployment.

      Just say in the cover letter that you’re planning on moving by x date and travel to the area frequently.

    3. Kevin*

      I think you have a better chance being employed currently (not to mention better on the wallet).

      As everyone else says, just make it clear in your cover letter why you are looking in that area.

  77. Losty McLosterson*

    I am now at an age where a lot of my close friends are getting married/having kids. I’m in a long-term relationship, but not engaged yet and childless.

    For those of you in similar situations, do you typically attend your friends’ children’s birthday parties? I’ve been to a couple of these, and honestly, I just feel uncomfortable. Most of the other guests are people that have kids.

    1. giggleloop*

      In the same boat. I’ve noticed that my friends w/ kids will invite me to the first or second birthdays…. before the kids really have friends themselves… and then later it becomes more about the kid and their friends and I don’t get invited anymore.

      1. A Jane*

        Yup. Same here. Also, the few I’ve been to where the child turned 1 or 2 was really more of an adult get together / beers. Good times

    2. J.B.*

      I’m confused as to why they invite you. I wouldn’t invite anyone except my sister. Just decline, that would be weird.

    3. Mary*

      Oooh, I am right there with you! What I do is go to the party, but find some other childless/fun adults to hang out with. I don’t go with the aim of hanging out with the parents of the child being feted, because they have too much to do. You may find that some of the attendees who are parents might welcome the chance to have non-child-centric conversations.

      If that isn’t an option, and there really is no one else to commiserate with/talk to, I would show up, have a snack, watch the kid destroy the cake, and cut out before presents are opened. Any sensible person will realize that spending an entire weekend day at a birthday party for a small kid is not a childless person’s favorite activity, but if you show up even for a bit, and make it a point to say hi to the hosts, you’re covered.

      I also always bring a gift for the birthday child and a gift for any siblings. Yes, this can be a pain, but it’s almost universally appreciated.

    4. Just a Reader*

      I have a kid, and going to other kids’ birthday parties makes me want to jump out a window.

      The little miss is turning 1 this year and we’re only inviting grandparents.

      I usually plead busy and send a card. Weekends are too precious to spend at an event like that, unless you are a hired clown and getting paid for it.

    5. Ann Furthermore*

      Oh good God. I would never invite a single friend to my child’s birthday party. My daughter is 5, and for the first 3 years we just had family over for cake and presents.

      For the last 2 we’ve done a party for her someplace (Monkey Bizness, Jump Street) and invite all her daycare and school friends. But even with that I still have a small family gathering for anyone who doesn’t want to be subjected to 2 hours of 20 screaming children — which is just about everyone.

      1. Ali*

        I have a good friend with two kids and I have never been able to make her kids’ parties since they always conflict with work and when I can’t take time off. (Like, because I already just took time off the week or two before and want to spread out my days.) I’ve still given gifts when I can’t make it because they are generally cute kids and my friend is awesome.

        That said? My friend drives me nuts when she is planning these parties. She insists that the parties have to be huge with 40 guests and tons of food, a magician/clown, an inflatable slide, the mascot from the local hockey team and God knows what else. I have tried to suggest maybe a smaller party would be more beneficial, but she refuses to hear it. By the time the party comes, she’s stressed so much I can’t even hear it anymore.

        I’d much rather go to a party for my other friend’s five-year-old, as Friend 2 doesn’t see the point of fancy parties and keeps it simple. But since she’s not into the huge blowouts, I can’t see ever being invited. Which is really OK with me. I don’t like spending tons of time around kids anyway.

        1. Ann Furthermore*

          Some people just go insane over their kid’s birthday parties. I don’t get it myself. Taking them someplace where they’re allowed to run around like maniacs for a few hours, and then get loaded up with sugar in the form of cupcakes is enough to make most kids deliriously happy. Plus someone else does all the cleanup for you, which makes it worth the money you spend.

    6. Confession Bear*

      I don’t admit this aloud – but as much as I adore my kids and have always loved spending time with them as individual little people even I didn’t want to attend their birthday parties. If I could have outsourced them without winning worst mom of the year I would have.

      Ditto back to school night, the art show, and athletic banquets.

      I love mine, but I have always found masses of children both boring and twitch inducing.

      I’m not proud of this.

  78. Stargazer*

    I have read Alison’s awesome posts on asking for a raise/figuring out if you’re being paid fairly, but I also wanted to toss this out there to the group and get your feedback.

    I work for a small company of less than 50 people. When I took the job two years ago (after six prior years of full-time work in the field) I accepted a much lower salary than what I thought was fair—and I say that even after negotiating a 10 percent higher salary than what they first offered.

    Originally I had asked for 25 percent of what they first offered, and even that, I felt, would have been at the lowest end of what was fair. But the company was not doing well financially, so I understood where they were coming from when they said they agreed I was worth what I asked for, but they simply couldn’t afford to pay that and barely had the money to pay me the 10 percent more they agreed to.

    I accepted the job because it’s basically my dream job. I’d be happy doing this for the rest of my life. But I can’t help but feel like I was lowballed, and I’d rather not have to keep working a second, part-time job just to stay afloat. I also happen to know that the two other people (at my level) in my department are paid several thousand dollars more a year than I am. We’re all around the same age but they were hired a few years before me, when the economy was better—and one has a Master’s degree so I can see why he might make more. (I have a Bachelor’s, as does the other person in the department.)

    I’m very grateful to have a good job in a field I love. But now that the company is doing better, do you have any advice on how I could possibly approach management and ask for a raise now that we’re making more money? Or am I stuck with a lower salary for the rest of my career? Furthermore, how do I know if I’m actually underpaid? It’s hard to go by average salary info online because I know so much depends on specific location, size of the company, personal background, and so forth.

  79. perebe*

    Does anyone have any experience in applying for jobs at “cool companies”? Like Google, Apple, Facebook, etc. I’m applying for a writing position at one of that aforementioned places, but I don’t necessarily have an “in”. Everyone I know and have worked with either don’t know anyone well enough, or they’re in an entirely different department. I’m trying to write a dazzling cover letter, but I’m still nervous!

    1. Befuddled Squirrel*

      Just write a dazzling cover letter, tailor your resume to the job description, and spruce up anything you have online – your LinkedIn profile, portfolio, blog, etc. – because they will look at those things.

    2. Brett*

      I know several people that have been hired by companies like that, and they did not have an in with the company. It seems like people with an “in” are hired by a recruitment process rather than an application process, but plenty of people are hired by application.

    3. Stephanie*

      I interviewed at Facebook about a year ago (but ultimately didn’t get an offer). I didn’t know anyone and just applied to a posting on the site. I don’t even think it required a cover letter. (I’m pretty sure the recruiters do look to see if you have an active presence on the site.) I will say it was kind of a niche role.

      Honestly, they had a really disorganized hiring process. I’m not sure if I had a disorganized recruiter or if that was standard.

      I applied and got an email from a recruiter about a week later. The interview itself was really relaxed–the recruiter asked my interest in the position and in Facebook. It lasted about 30 minutes. She then mentioned some other roles that she thought might be of interest and asked if I thought they’d be interesting. I said yes and she’d talk to those hiring managers and show them my resume and definitely schedule an second round interview.

      After that is when the disorganization started. I never heard anything. After a week or so, I sent a polite follow-up asking about the interview (and if I was still under consideration). I should add that during all this, I was doing a cross-country drive. I’m guessing someone dropped the ball, because I got an email at 9 pm asking me to do another phone interview the following day. I had to pull over on a back road somewhere in Arkansas to do the interview (I thought the interview would have been conducted before I left town). This one was with a team member. This interview was again pretty straightforward–it was behavioral and asked about situations relating the duties of the job (so like “Tell me a time you used technical information at hand to make a persuasive argument”) and lasted about 30 minutes.

      About a week or so later, I get an email from the original recruiter saying that they want me to come in-person (I was in the city in question for a bit). Interview would last about three hours. I give them my availability and then don’t hear anything. The recruiter says that there were issues scheduling around a holiday. I then get another email saying that the team is interviewing someone else for a lower-level role and that they might just fill that and absorb the duties for “my” role into the lower-level role and other roles, but it depends on how the person does on the interview. I don’t hear anything back and just get a rejection email a week later.

      Big takeaway from the interview process was that they want people who are really into the culture (like into socializing outside of work) and really excited about Facebook.

      Not sure if this would be an issue, but the pay for the non-programmers can be pretty low. The benefits seemed pretty good (minus the lack of 401(k) matching), so that offset the terrible pay a bit.

      The people in the different department might still be able to do a general referral. Good luck!

      1. Befuddled Squirrel*

        My impression is that a lot of big tech companies have disorganized hiring processes. Hiring managers don’t have a lot of time to spend on the process and HR departments are maxed out due to fast growth and high turnover rates.

        1. Stephanie*

          I’d agree with that, although I only have the one data point. I’d imagine somewhere more established like Apple might have a more organized hiring process.

          1. Befuddled Squirrel*

            Yeah, more established companies like Apple, Google, and Oracle are probably an exception.

  80. Anon*

    First time posting, long time reading.

    I have a situation where I constantly feel like I’m in a competition with a coworker. She works well with our male coworkers. However, anytime she is asked to work with me, she would rather give up all pieces of a project than collaborate with me. After a staff meeting on Monday, she stopped speaking to me and I have no idea what I did. She slowly began talking to me as the week went on, but she also gave up one of her projects to me rather than collaborate with me on it.

    And, just a pet peeve, she marks her calendar full of private appointments. For example, she and another coworker met yesterday about processes – she marked her appointment private even though the other person’s calendar was freely available to see what they were meeting about. Why is a process meeting top secret?

    I know I shouldn’t take her weird behavior personally, but I do. We have a new manager who is very direct, and her personality tells me she would not want to hear my petty complaints about a coworker. However, I truly feel she only treats me this way and not our other coworkers.

    Any advice on how to deal with passive aggressive coworkers who refuse to collaborate?

    1. Stargazer*

      How strange. I would nicely point out that you’ve noticed she seems miffed at you and just ask her if you’ve done something to upset her. You don’t need to get into the private calendar thing, but the stopping speaking to you is definitely something you might want to point out, especially if it seems blatant. If she denies it, you’ve done all you can do, and you’ve at least called attention to the fact that you’re picking up what she’s putting down. Bring your manager into it only if she’s openly creating a hostile work environment or blocking you from getting your job done. Those aren’t petty complaints, and a reasonable manager will respond to them.

      1. Anon*

        Thanks for the advice!

        The one time in the past when I tried to point out that she seemed miffed about a different project, she threw a bit of a tantrum. I was trying to offer an olive branch, saying that I knew she was upset about not getting XYZ project and asking if she would she like to work together because I needed some assistance. She acted really bizarre, asking why I thought she was upset and then telling someone on the phone that she was having a really bad day, packing up her bags and leaving early.

        This is to say that unfortunately I don’t think she likes people pointing out when she’s upset/miffed!

        1. Colette*

          saying that I knew she was upset about not getting XYZ project and asking if she would she like to work together because I needed some assistance.

          This sounds similar to yesterday’s emotional intelligence discussion – i.e. you shouldn’t tell her how she feels. Maybe she’s upset about the project, maybe a close friend died, or maybe she’s just found out that someone stole her identity.

          I’d suggest you just ask for help without speculating on her motives.

          It sounds like she thrives on drama, so I would try to minimize my exposure to it.

          I also don’t think there’s anything nefarious about marking her schedule private. I have some timeslots marked private because when I didn’t, I found that people would overbook me because they didn’t perceive the activities there as important.

          1. Anon*

            I appreciate the feedback!

            Just as a follow up, I don’t have an issue with private appointments on the whole. I came in yesterday and didn’t know where she was, so I checked her calendar to see if she was out. I was met with eight private appointments!

            She’ll also schedule meetings with 1/2 of our team that are nothing top secret, but she’ll mark them as private. I never know why they are considered private. This bothers me because my calendar ends up with all these private appointments when I’m not trying to hide anything.

            1. Colette*

              I think it’s really just that she likes drama.

              I also think that if you liked her, the private appointments would just be a quirk, not an irritation.

              My policy when dealing with people like drama is to minimize my exposure to it – i.e. follow up via email, don’t ask questions that aren’t related to work, and stay out of her way as much as possible.

    2. IndieGir*

      Wow. It sounds like my crazy ex-coworker has moved to your company. I worked with someone who was crazy like this, and there is nothing you can do to make them like you. And some women just hate other women and want to be the queen bee.

      So here’s what I’d suggest. First, her making her calendar private is probably b/c she’s paranoid and aggrieved, and feels threatened by you. I’d ignore stuff like that and focus on the work. If she wants to bow out and let you take over a project, then if that works for your boss, just roll with it and do a kick-a$$ job. But document, document, document any time she is not getting you things you need to do your job. Then pull in your boss, with a “I’ve asked CrazyLady twice for the XYZ data and she hasn’t responded — how would you like me to proceed?” Keep it professional, and it is the CrazyLady will look like an idiot, not you.

      1. Anon*

        Thanks for the input!

        I agree that I just need to focus on my work and let it speak for itself.

        She’s a self-proclaimed work hoarder. I’m an introvert. It makes it challenging, but I’m getting better at speaking up!

    3. Befuddled Squirrel*

      Talk to her about it directly, in private, and be really nice about it. Start by asking if you did anything to offend her or make her feel uncomfortable. Tell her that you like working with her, would like to collaborate more, and would like to know if there’s anything you can do differently to make that possible.

      In my experience, most people respond positively to that approach. When they don’t, it’s worth trying again on another day and if that’s still not successful, you have a good reason to say something to someone else about it.

      1. Anon*

        I appreciate the recommendation! As I mentioned above, she did not handle it well the last time I approached her after she voiced frustration that I was working on something that she considered her baby. Your approach sounds like it would diffuse the angry response I received in my previous effort.

  81. edit-or?*

    Anyone have any suggestions for copy editors looking to leave publishing? There are so few jobs in publishing, so I’ve started looking at other fields, but I’m having trouble finding other careers that apply.

    1. Befuddled Squirrel*

      Is it legal for an employer to require all their employees to take a personality test and share the results publicly in the workplace?

      This isn’t a “fun exercise”. It’s taken very seriously and employees are instructed to interact with each other according to their test results. Employees are also trained on which career paths are appropriate for which “types”. We can only take the test once and disagreeing with the results is discouraged.

      2. Laura2*

        Legal but nuts. I suggest answering all the questions either as randomly as possible or as unlike you as possible.

        1. Befuddled Squirrel*

          Thanks for the replies! Fortunately, this was in the past and the manager who implemented it has moved on, but I’ve been curious about its legality due to the issues it obviously brings up.

      3. Befuddled Squirrel*

        Ack! That was supposed to be a separate post, not a reply. Posting from my phone and it’s having some issues.

    2. Looking for new career*

      I know someone who is an editor and used to work in publishing. Now she works for a company that contracts with DODefense and edits very format-heavy reports.

      She also did some work editing for someone who wrote programs for the health industry.

      The pay is good, though she isn’t keen on being so close to working for DOD!

    3. LMW*

      I was an editor in publishing for most of my career. I moved over to the corporate world, first managing website content and writing white papers, then in Internal Communications (ran the intranet and employee newsletter) and now I’m a content marketing manager. All of those roles have been a pretty good fit for my skills–they are all much more focused on editorial thinking and execution than marketing (which I have no background in). I usually describe content marketing as “It’s like I run a magazine, but it’s very specific to one company.”
      For quite a few of my positions the job has been heavily focused on helping the company experts with their writing, rather than writing from scratch. Very substantive editing, and a lot of workflow management.

  82. anon-2*

    Food for thought – building morale after a layoff. How do you do it?

    This was asked a few weeks back – and I didn’t have time to answer it. Well, we all know that the management guides recommend that you bring the survivors together and have a “there, there, it’s all over, it’s all clear, everything’s OK, you’re OK, I’m OK” , yet you come off sounding like Pinocchio as a motivational speaker (funny ad now playing in the United States).

    The answer = it depends on the purpose behind the layoff.

    1) If the layoff was executed out of dire corporate need for survival, then that’s the easiest case. You have the “there there children” meeting – but also have one-on-ones, and also praise the folks you let go. Also say “I’ll bring some back if conditions permit.” BUT you had better be telling the truth.

    2) If the layoff was done when times are great for a company – yet, it’s, uh, “streamlining” – yeah that’s the ticket, streamlining – done to reduce costs and people while pushing more work on the survivors, you’ve got a much more difficult task. Be honest (doesn’t pay to lie, most people can smell through them) — and ask for help. Appear to be a victim, you may buy some morale back.

    3) If the layoff was a “harum scarum” — done to scare people, as a motivational technique — example = you have 300 people, lay off five, and the company’s very profitable — you didn’t do that layoff to make things more efficient – you did it to scare the hell out of people — so, What the hell do you care about morale in this situation? Didn’t you do this to HARM morale?

  83. Looking for new career*

    I was hoping to be at the front of the line in this thread but had a meeting I had to go to. Oh well!

    I have a bunch of questions to ask you all and/or Allison. So, I’ll just ask a meta-question to leap frog the whole thing.

    Does anyone know of a good active online forum for talking about job search/career changing issues?

    I’ve been Googling this and have not struck gold, or even bronze, so far. Thank you for any tips!

    1. AVP*

      I don’t think there is one out there, so you may as well float a few of your questions here and see what comes back!

      1. Looking for new career*

        Thank you for the reply. Maybe this isn’t cool, but I’m going to put my question down below, figuring no one will see it up here! (Let me know if this is rude.)

        1. Persephone Mulberry*

          Nope, not rude – perfectly correct and OK to start a new “thread” for a new topic. :)

    2. PricklyPear*

      This is me. I’m trying to sideways step into a admin career. A lot of the skills I’ve learned in my current role translate over well, but I feel that a glance at my resume would either make me woefully underqualified, or horribly overqualified, depending on the duties. Any advice would be appreciated!

  84. Mary*

    I have a question about applying and possibly interviewing at a past company.

    I applied to and interviewed with company X about 4 years ago. I had just graduated college, and was getting out into the ‘real’ world, so I wasn’t nearly as polished, professional, etc., as I’m sure I could have been. Just being honest. I had no idea how to interview and was very young. I completely understand why I obviously didn’t get the job.

    Fast forward to now, I received a LinkedIn invite from an HR manager at company X and she is recruiting for a role supporting the same woman I had my first interview with 4 years go.

    How do I go about this in the most beneficial way? Do I acknowledge my past interview, and if so, how? If I get called for an interview, it will definitely be with this woman again (I did my HW and LinkedIn searching). I’m not quite sure how to navigate this

    Any tips or advice would be a huge help. Thanks!!!

    1. Sunflower*

      I think mention it casually- usually I get asked if I’m familiar with the company and you can say you actually interviewed there right out of college. Don’t expect her to necessarily remember you though. And even if she does remember you, I doubt she will judge you on an interview 4 years ago as you now have an entirely different set of experience.

      I interviewed for a job somewhere, didn’t get it and was directed to a different hiring manager for a different job. I had already interviewed for this job about a year earlier with the hiring manager’s co-director and she got kind of strange when I mentioned I interviewed before. She kept assuring me that the reason I hadn’t gotten the job before was x and y and that the colleague remembered me. It was so weird because 1. I didn’t expect her to remember me and 2. It wasn’t a big deal I didn’t get the job before. I get it. Maybe she dealt with some crazy people in the past. I didn’t get that job either but it was just a super bizarre experience.

    2. StaminaTea*

      I bet you dollars to donuts she won’t remember you! So forget it ever happened, and just be the confident, professional women you are now!

  85. Brett*

    So a while back, I posted about our organization’s compensation study which was supposed to normalize salaries back to market rates. I was concerned they would use it to eliminate positions rather than just normalize salaries. Took people’s advice and pushed on my position being included in the study even though I am the only one in the job classification.

    Our department’s personnel people are saying that my position was skipped by the study anyway. Organization wide HR is saying that after the initial group, “compensation for other jobs throughout [our org] will be considered”. And that communication would go out soon. They “finished” the study 4 months ago after starting it 8 months ago. This is such a ridiculously frustrating way to try to get a raise.

  86. Sunflower*

    Mini vent- I miss my restaurant job. I hated it most of the time when I was there but some days I miss coming to work, doing my job and just leaving. It was so easy to forget what happened the day before and know you can come into work with a fresh palate. Sometimes I miss the crazy schedule too. Sometimes I wish I could work all day Sunday and then take Tuesday off.. I don’t think I’d ever quit my office job and go back to serving (I like the normal schedule and stable income too much) but it’s a weird feeling to miss something you were pretty desperate to get out of not long ago

    1. Mary*

      I worked retail all through college, and I understand what you’re saying. I miss it too, sometimes. I miss interacting with people, being in an exciting environment, etc. Its a tough call, but I value my regular schedule and the like much better.

    2. StaminaTea*

      Hah! I think about this too sometimes. I’m an office worker bee now, but I used to be a waitress. I miss the time on my feet, the people interaction, and the insta-cash in pocket at the end of every shift. I miss being able to take off random days, and leaving early when it’s slow. I miss BS-ing with coworkers and settling disputes with them with bad language. My current workplace is incrediblyreally passive-aggressive and it’s still a bit of culture shock since the restaurants I worked in were flat out-aggressive, but at least more honest!

    3. AVP*

      I have a friend who was in a regular desk job, moved across country on a whim, and took a restaurant job to get by while she looked for another desk job…and ended up LOVING it. And now she’s becoming a sommelier! I was surprised to hear that at first, but there definitely are some perks there.

    4. Befuddled Squirrel*

      Yes! I miss interacting with the public too. It does have its ups and downs, but there’s nothing like meeting new people every day. I’ve had to go into the world of corporate office jobs to pay the bills and beef up my resume, but I hope to go back to working with the public some day.

    5. O*

      Four months in on my first full time job, and honestly there are times when I just completely miss working at the dog kennel. Working early, getting off in the afternoon, or starting the afternoon shift and leaving at night. Working on a weekend and not during the week, and the moments of downtime were awesome, just chillin’ outside with calm doggies. Although I do not miss it around the holidays, ever.

    6. Pip*

      Ex-retail worker here. I hear you. It was great being able to clock out on schedule and be *done*. And if you were ill or on a holiday, there was not a bigger pile of work than usual waiting for you, because any one of your co-workers could easily cover for you with no disastrous results.

      I also genuinely miss working together with young people on their first job, teaching them not only about how to work the till but also about being a good worker. Kids are so malleable and eager to learn!

  87. Darth Admin*

    Sorry, need to vent.

    I have a direct report who is extremely technically (accounting) talented. However, her moods are very mercurial. Example: she had two competing deadlines about a month ago. She came to me and told me she was stressed, frustrated and not sleeping. These were large projects that were dependent on information from others that she wasn’t getting, so I understand where her stress and frustration are coming from. I worked with her to prioritize her other work, handed some off to others I manage to make room in her schedule, and asked her to keep me informed. But even after that, she continued to be snarky in comments and tone to others and was just generally a headache to work with until those deadlines passed.

    Fast forward to today, and I’d set up a meeting to talk about this situation and find out how I could better help her so that her frustration didn’t spill on to others. And now she says everything is fine, and she feels great, and doesn’t even remember (!) how bad it was last month. She also doesn’t think she needs to change. I’ve told her that while the information she’s presenting is good, she needs to be sure her presentation of that information is collegial and professional. I’ve put this in her performance review that I’m writing as well.

    It’s like she’s so invested in being “right” she doesn’t think she also should have to be nice. She’ll say “Well, he missed the deadline and I told him that was unacceptable and he should manage his time better.” To someone who’s above her in level and has other competing priorities!

    Argh. I feel like I’ve been talking to her about this issue since I started managing her (about a year ago). And I work at a nonprofit where disciplinary action is well-nigh impossible to pursue, so I don’t have a lot of other recourse.

    /Vent

    1. fposte*

      Ah, the “It’s not all about you” talk. Good luck.

      One of our unit’s services is support of faculty. They are not an efficient, streamlined tribe, so we really can’t regularize everything. Sometimes I need to remind our staff that it’s our job to make things convenient for them and not the other way around.

      2. Darth Admin*

        “Sometimes I need to remind our staff that it’s our job to make things convenient for them and not the other way around.”

        This is it EXACTLY. We support a scientific staff too, and I get that they can be disorganized and cantankerous, but… it doesn’t matter. That’s The Job.

    2. Malissa*

      Accountant need interpersonal training. They really do. Schooling for accountant is so focused on number, numbers, numbers that many of us tend to lack a bit in interpersonal skills by the time we are done.
      See if you can find one of those various four personality type classes to send her to, or find a book on the subject and have her report back to you on it.
      Not that I would know this from personal experience or anything…

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Now here is someone who is actually not a team player.
      If your company is not going to back you up, then you’re done with this problem.

      However, I will point out that if she is telling off higher ups, let her. They can handle that or not. You can limit your comments to how she interacts with people in your department. (Less cats to herd.)

      Since she is having problems with snark, you can mention that the snarky comments will prevent her from advancing at some point in her working career. It is only in her own interest (remember it’s all about her) that she needs to learn to control these comments. Let her know that between her snarkiness and her meltdowns she sends a message that is not professional. Others might think that she cannot do the job.

      The thought dashed through my head that she may not even realize that these comments are considered snarky. This goes back to discussions a while ago about what we see growing up and what we consider normal. Maybe if you stress that this is not normal behavior for a workplace that might sink in after awhile.

    4. Graciosa*

      This must be incredibly frustrating. Someone like this can really damage the overall performance of a team, all the while believing that they are a top performer and everyone else is incompetent.

      My first instinct is to suggest you start keeping records and following the appropriate processes to discipline her. Time will pass whether you do or not, and you may as well get started. It is possible at some point that she will do something to tip herself over the edge, so make sure you’re in a good position if that happens.

      Another possible tactic is to change her work assignments. You tell her that you cannot assign her to projects which would require her to work with other people (or others of a specific rank, or customer status, or whatever) because she has demonstrated that she does not have the skills to interact with them in a way that meets the professional standards of the department.

      It sounds like this is – unfortunately – true.

      People like this often pride themselves on their achievements, and she may decide to leave if you restrict her to whatever would be considered menial work. In any case, if you can keep her from offending people by limiting her opportunities to do so, you will have at least helped minimize the negative impact she can have while she remains on your team.

      Good luck.

    5. Windchime*

      Until you mentioned working for a non-profit, I was sure you were one of my coworkers talking about someone who works in my department. I have the same exact person on my team…..snarky, abrupt, always making impatient noises and comments. It’s exhausting. She “doesn’t have time” to do her work, but she has plenty of time to stand in her friend’s cube and chitchat for an hour every day.

  88. kkb*

    Hello all, I am hoping someone can help me. I am leaving for Germany the week after next for training at our home office and would like to know if someone can give me insight into workplace culture, attire, protocols, etc. I have only been with the company a month and half – stateside (thank you AAM blog for the insights that helped me land this job!) and I have not gotten a good feel for how the German operation runs (other than they have beer machines in the manufacturing area?!?) Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Ann Furthermore*

      My company has an office in Frankfurt and I’ve been there several times. I really enjoy working with the people there. Most of the Germans I’ve met are quite forthright and no-nonsense, and just tell it like it is.

      I believe it is a culture thing for people to address managers and other higher-ups as “Herr Smith” or “Frau Davis.” But as an American (I presume) you probably would not be expected to do the same thing. I am on a first-name basis with everyone I work with there, although if I’m in Frankfurt and we’re all in a meeting (or something), someone might stick their head out of the conference room and ask, in German, for “Herr Smith” to join us, if he’s able to answer a question.

      I’ve also noticed that we, as Americans, tend to over-share, at least by German standards. I’ve worked closely with some of my German colleagues for many years, but other than one person that I’ve gotten to be pretty good friends with, I don’t really know much about them personally. I believe that Germans tend to be more reticent by nature than Americans.

      And as for attire, probably what you wear to work in the US office should work there too. Our company is business casual, and what people wear in the Frankfurt office is comparable to what people wear in the US.

      1. kkb*

        Thank you so much. I really appreciate the insight as I want to make the best impression possible and this helps, esp the oversharing part!!

        1. Ann Furthermore*

          That’s not to say that no one ever shares ANY personal details, but people don’t share as much as we tend to here.

          Enjoy yourself. I love Germany. The food, and of course the beer, are outstanding! Also most people speak at least a little English, so you should be able to communicate just fine. At least in Frankfurt they do — I haven’t spent that much time in other cities there.

  89. TheSnarkyB*

    Does anyone else get really frustrated about the timing of a job search? I did a big push a few weekends ago but haven’t been able to keep up with it aside from follow up bc work and school have been so hectic (I was planning to give the job search 100% in a few weeks when I finish my masters program). But now if I get an interview and an offer, I won’t know whether to take it or have anything to compare it to bc I didn’t have time to reach out as far as I wanted to in the first round. (Obviously, I’d be grateful, etc.)
    Any solutions? Anyone else frustrated by this?

    1. Lizzy Mac*

      The one thing I can say is don’t worry too much about comparing one job to another. Look at each job for what it is, the respoonsibilities, what your day would like like, how it fits into your career path and your comp too because that’s important and then decide if its something that you would like or that would move you forward. You can go crazy comparing jobs (though I would enjoy that sort of crazy at this point) when really getting caught up in that is something of a mistake. If you get an interview or an offer, judge it based on how much you would enjoy a job and if the compensation is fair based on the responsibilities and your experience and skills.

  90. BraveNewWorld*

    I’ve posted here before about my unhappiness with my poorly managed workplace and the general lack of support for my work. Well, it came to a head, and my employment here is ending in a couple of months. I don’t like the way this was done (lots of textbook bad management and toxicity), but this also forces me to work on a career change that I’ve been wanting but have been too scared to just do.

    I’ve talked to my manager about a transition plan, though no one is cross-trained in any of my very specialized work, and no one is tapped to step in. I’m doing what I can to leave my work in good shape, but I suspect no one will be there to see it through (and this will result in a loss of a lot of money, and really hardship for our clients).

    I want to exit gracefully and take the high road, no matter how bitter or sad I sometimes feel. But some days, it’s just hard. And I want to tell the story of my exit in a positive way though this place seems to trash-talk people who leave.

    I welcome any words of wisdom to get out with my head held high and my professional reputation intact.

    1. E.R*

      Two thoughts come to mind:
      The first is to take that high road and tell the positive side of your story to all your professional colleagues, because it reflects well on you to do this, and you likely won’t have regrets. However, these things tend to take an emotional toll on you and can wreak havoc in all sorts of ways – it can affect your confidence, make you bitter and angry etc. So while you’re taking the high road professionally, make sure to talk about the whole truth with your friends, family (even consider a therapist or counsellor) for support and to work it all out. It can really grate on you to not feel heard in these sitautions

      My second thought is more sad. I’ve taken the high road in some rather bad personal and professional situations, and I’m honestly not sure it pays off in terms of getting the things I ultimately want. At least not yet. But I can sleep at night, and I dont worry about running into anyone who I did something awful to, because I dont do awful things to people. So that’s good. But some people who have done awful things seem to be doing splendidly, so I’m starting to wonder, perhaps about the universe in general.

      But good luck to you!

    2. Looking for new career*

      You can only really control your actions, not theirs. So keep doing a good job putting things in order and you will always know you did the right thing, and can tell your friends this.

      If they trash talk you after you’ve left, well it’s a shame but hopefully you won’t ever hear it. And you can’t control them anyway. Good luck with the new job!

    3. OriginalYup*

      Well, you’re in the midst of the transition so don’t worry about not feeling very gracious yet. I think it would be difficult to be kind about somebody who broke up with you if you’re both still living in the same house, you know? So be accepting with yourself that it’s normal to be angry/sad/worried/stressed while going through this, and that you’ll probably feel more gracious after you’ve been away from this environment for a bit.

      If you’re not getting much support for the transition, I say figure out what you think is important for people to know after you’ve left and go from there. Make a list the key things you work on, and make sure there’s documentation available—create a quick manual or guide if you need to. Write up a status summary of everything that you handle, perhaps a Word doc with a line for each thing and a short note saying “as of X, I’ve backed up the files to drive X and put copies in the Client dropbox folder. I have not upgraded the version control.” Offer to meet with people to get them up to speed — ask if they’d like to go over anything with you before you depart. Try to clean up your email, desk, and computer folders as much as possible so that there’s a minimum of original stuff that lives only with you. (And also so that you have copies of everything you need to take with you, like HR records or contact lists.) And then just send a nice mass email right before you go, thanking everyone for the opportunity to work with them and providing a linkedin contact or other email address in case they want to stay in touch.

    4. Rev.*

      A highly held heads results from what you choose to do with your neck. Keep it stiff, and smile @ them as you leave, because, well, you’re the one who gets to leave.

      Your reputation may suffer a temporary hit, but it’s irrelevant compared to your character. Concentrate on your future; keep your front bumper shinier than your tailpipe.

      “…Most of the shadows of life are caused by standing in our own sunshine.”
      – Ralph Waldo Emerson

  91. Anon777*

    I’m trying to resolve an issue I am having at work, and I’m not sure how since it might be out of my hands. Hopefully no one from my job reads this thread ;).

    Two years ago, I asked for a raise to bring me up to market value. I made a proposal detailing performance, job changes, market values, direct competition, everything. I followed up every few months and a little over a year ago, they finally responded and said it was taking so long because when something like that is asked, they do a whole site review. They said it would be done in the summer of last year.

    Well, it was completed, and I met with HR and my boss in August of last year. They said their salary database agreed I was underpaid by a similar amount to what I requested. However, they said they were still waiting on approvals.

    Throughout this whole process, I’ve been the one contacting them and asking for updates. In January when HR was on site (they are offsite), I asked her how the progress was going and she said it’s still taking time. A month ago, I asked to meet again, and my boss said she’d schedule it. Every week since then it’s been rescheduled.

    Additionally (not sure if it relates), but one of my coworkers put in her resignation last week but retracted it this week. I’m not sure if it was counteroffered.

    I don’t really know what to do at this point. I want to ask, “Is this ever going to happen this year and when”, but that would be rude. Any thoughts on how I might do this? I am aware that the best thing to do would be to find another job, but I am holding out since I like the people here.

    1. Ann Furthermore*

      Ugh. I really don’t have any advice for you, unfortunately, other than to start circulating your resume. It sounds like they are just dragging their feet and making excuses. And since you’ve stayed for so long, they’re probably not motivated to speed things up.

      One thing you might do is press for details when you get a nebulous answer like, “This requires approvals.” I would ask who, specifically, has to approve the request, if/when the request for the approval was sent, and so on. If they hem and haw or try to weasel out of giving a direct answer, then they’re probably just stringing you along and have no intention of adjusting your salary.

      If you do find another job and resign, and get a counter offer, I’d consider that very, very carefully.

  92. Ann Furthermore*

    Just dropping in to whine. My daughter woke up at 1AM, pealing off bloodcurdling shrieks because she was sure there was a bumblebee in her room. I went in to try and calm her down and she kept saying she was seeing them everywhere. So finally I had her come get into bed with my husband and me. He dozed right back off again, but my daughter proceeded to squirm around like an octopus and kept me awake all night.

    Counting down the minutes until it’s time to go home!

      1. Ann Furthermore*

        I know, it’s a constant source of irritation! What’s even more annoying is that he showers after work, since he gets pretty grungy during the day, so in the morning all he has to do is roll out of bed, put on jeans, a t-shirt, and a baseball cap and he’s ready to go. So he falls asleep in 2 minutes, and gets ready for work in 2 minutes. So unfair!

  93. LAI*

    Is it appropriate to ask student workers to do menial tasks like vacuum and dust in a professional office? I feel like it isn’t – that isn’t what we hired them for. Today is a slow day in the office and we didn’t have any tasks for our student worker, so my boss asked him to vacuum. On the one hand, I guess it’s better than having him sit around and do nothing for the rest of his shift. On the other hand, it just makes me uncomfortable. I plan to ask him to skip my office and do it myself. We do have janitorial staff who take our trash and things like that but they don’t really clean at this level. Anyone else have thoughts about this?

    1. C*

      The closest experience I can relate to this is students working in labs. When I had that kind of job and there was a slow day, I would dust and reorganize. The lab bench was always cleaned at the end of the day, but not to this detail (dust on the shelves and corners tend to just stay there). I felt like it was a legitimate use of my time. Felt like a spring cleaning.

      Vacuuming though…seems like a reach if the janitorial staff does that anyway. But a detailed cleaning of office space is worthwhile.

    2. Colette*

      So if the janitorial staff doesn’t do it, who would normally do it?

      I don’t think it’s appropriate to hire students for work in their program and then give them nothing but menial work that ‘s unrelated to what you hired them for, but having them do a menial task when there’s no regular work for them to do is fine.

      I’ve been the student worker without work to do, and I would have been thrilled to be asked to vacuum.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, agreed. I would just be wary about the possibility that this opens up a whole bunch of menial tasks for this person to do now, so hopefully there won’t be a pile-on.

    3. LMW*

      If it’s something that everyone else does, there’s no problem in having them do it — I think it’s a good way to show that everyone pitches in and does the menial stuff.

    4. chewbecca*

      I was student worker in one on-campus office where part of my job was to water all the live plants, not only in the common spaces but also in the private offices. Not exactly like vacuuming, but kind of similar.

      I can’t say if it was a good use of my time, but I didn’t like doing it. Partially because I found it annoying (one of the women there was well on her way to a rain forest in her office), but I also never felt comfortable going in the Deans’ offices.

      Thinking back to my college days, if I didn’t have any work do, I would have jumped at the chance to leave early on a Friday (if that was possible in your situation). Actually, I would still love that…

    5. Graciosa*

      I work at a company where cleanliness and order is treated as a safety issue, and is part of everyone’s job – no exceptions. My functional area (not a factory) is audited regularly, we receive daily safety bulletins, and someone stumbling in the parking lot is a big deal.

      Asking someone who works in the office to help keep it clean makes you uncomfortable? Why? I have vice presidents who pitch in to keep things neat and clean. A slow day in the office is a gift.

      If you want to improve the experience, work alongside the student so you can talk while you work. One – or both – of you might learn something.

    1. Diet Coke Addict*

      No. It belongs in the car for breaks if necessary, but not in the office. Too many half-nekkid women for the workplace, I think.

      1. Seymour*

        One could say the same about Cosmo. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something like this on a Maxim (actual Cosmo headline) “99 Sexy Ways to Touch Him: These Fresh, Frisky Tips Will Thrill Every Inch of Your Guy (Our Favorite Requires a Glazed Donut)”

        1. Del*

          One could say the same thing about Cosmo, and frankly, I’d ban them both. If either the text or the images on the cover of a magazine are going to be racy, it shouldn’t be in the office.

          1. Befuddled Squirrel*

            Yeah, neither belongs in the office unless it’s relevant to your industry and therefore job-related. But who still keeps magazines in offices? Don’t most peoplr read articles like that online now?

        2. Jamie*

          Yep, Cosmo can be just as racy. And really gross when a guy takes it off the receptionists desk to take into the bathroom with him and stays in there for a really long time.

          And is in the ladies room to boot. (Individual bathrooms, but still.)

          Related question, how do you all feel about people reading Fifty Shades of Gray on their lunch break in the office. The actual book – not peeping on kindles.

          I think it’s popular enough that we all know what it’s about so it skeeves me out in the work place. But the argument is a lot of best sellers have sex scenes in them and we don’t ban those.

          1. Joey*

            Hmm, storyporn in the office? Since a passerby can’t really see anything racy, the only time if have a problem with it is if they discussed the inappropriate stuff at work or clients were turned off by it.

            1. Confession Bear*

              That’s why it’s a gray area – so to speak. (Puns on a Friday…I must be PUNchy. Sorry.)

              Because you’re right, however it’s so mainstream people know what it’s about even without seeing the text. So still kind of gross at work, imo, but not a policy worthy issue.

              I mean if someone were reading “101 Sex Tips by the Marquis de Sade” in the lunch room – even if you couldn’t see the text it’s going to raise some eyebrows. Kinda the same thing? But not really – I am dead in the middle of two minds on this.

              1. Jamie*

                and that would be me with my totally meant to be a joke from a previous post and not a disguise temporary screen name.

                1. Joey*

                  Do people really look to see what you’re reading? I don’t really ask people to raise their books from the table or their laps.

                2. Jamie*

                  When people eat in the lunch room they have their books up – perpendicular to the table.

                  Maybe I just work with a particularly nearsighted group of people.

              2. Kelly L.*

                Yeah, the cover of 50 Shades is actually pretty tame, so the only reason people know it’s porn is because they know about it already, but because most people know about it, I would avoid reading it in the workplace. That and (IMO) it’s not actually any fun to get all hot and bothered at work anyway, when there’s nothing you can really do except be frustrated.

          2. O*

            I’m an avid reader of romance novels. I don’t talk about it much, I’m not ashamed, I just hate how other people make me feel for reading them. When I’m at work, I try not to let the covers show too much, but necessarily care unless it’s a bodice ripper cover. That said, 50 Shades is definitely not in the romance genre, it’s erotica, there’s a difference, and while I personally would never touch that book with a ten foot pole, I’d be more stingy about where I would read that genre.

          3. Ann Furthermore*

            I would never read that book in the office or anywhere near the office. There is a book fair at my office about twice a year, that sells lots of cool books/toys for kids, but there’s also other reading material available and miscellaneous stuff for sale as well. I ambled down there one day to take a look around, and there, in between the cookbooks and fancy stationary was the Fifty Shades of Gray trilogy.

            Who in their right mind would buy that at a work-sponsored book fair??

          4. Lore*

            Well, I work in publishing, so…our argument *for* 50 Shades is that if everyone else is reading it, we need to know why. And the stronger argument against them is that they’re terrible, even as porn.

          5. Stephanie*

            Ugh, no. That’s just too awkward. I happened to be reading a book about Jonestown and wanted to hide it from coworkers. I didn’t want them thinking I was particularly obsessed with death or cults or something.

            1. Audiophile*

              I had a book about serial killers, that got a few looks. Once I explained it was for a screenplay, it was fine. I didn’t really have it out in the open, it was usually in my purse or hidden somewhere in the desk.

              1. Stephanie*

                Ha, I didn’t even have an excuse past “I heard the author on Fresh Air and it sounded really interesting.” Not helping things was all my foreign coworkers who had never heard of Jamestown until I explained it.

  95. CalicoK*

    I have a coworker that has recently been calling me by the wrong name. She’s wildly off. It’s like calling me Betty even though my name is Jane. I’ve already corrected her several times. What should I do?

    1. H. Rawr*

      I was this person once… it was a weird thing that stuck once I said it the first time and just kept coming out without me thinking about it at all… I needed the potential embarrassment of someone noticing me do it again to be a big enough deal that it stopped my mouth before a name came out, so I’d say just continue to correct her.

      1. CalicoK*

        Here’s the thing, I HAVE corrected her each time she makes the mistake – and in front of other people! One time she did it right in front of my desk where my name placard is prominently displayed. At this point, it feels really rude.

    2. O*

      I’d maybe stop responding, like if they’re trying to get your attention, don’t respond. Or if they drop the name in the conversation, immediately say something like “excuse me, who’s that?”

      1. Sadsack*

        This is a good strategy. OP, I really wouldn’t take it personally that your coworker does this. I doubt she does it on purpose. I had the same kind of mental block with someone whose last name was very similar to another coworkers first name. Say his name was Bob Charleston and I had another coworker named Charlie Smith. I would inevitably say, “Hi, Charlie, er I mean Bob.” I eventually trained myself to think before speaking and stopped doing it, but it was embarrassing for me. I have no idea what he thought because he never said anything to me about it, even when I would slip up.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      If you can use humor that might help. “Uh. I’ll be “Jane” today.”

      Maybe you remind her of someone. If she still doesn’t get your name right, ask her why. I am thinking that might rattle her enough to try harder to get your name correct.

  96. Cath in Canada*

    Yay, the vet just called to say that my cat Saba can come home tonight, after three nights of inpatient care. Apparently right after we visited her last night she started eating, purring, and trying to escape (the vet said he’d never seen a cat run that fast with an IV tube and bag attached), and bit the vet when recaptured (and this is a cat who’s never bitten anyone ever, even visiting nephews who like to pick her up and carry her around. I apologised, but the vet said it’s almost always a really good sign). I’m sitting at my desk grinning!

      1. Cath in Canada*

        Thanks all :) It’s been a bit of a stressful week – neither of my cats has ever been sick before (they’re 6-7 years old), and being sisters who we adopted together they’d never before been apart for a single night in their whole lives. The sister who stayed home was actually way too happy about the situation for the first day, but quickly seemed to realise that having the whole house to herself and being alone all day wasn’t as much fun as she’d thought it would be

  97. Sharm*

    Just a weird vent of mine: I love this blog, but sometimes, reading about all the crap people go through gets me down. It doesn’t seem fair (I know, life isn’t fair) that good people are treated this way, and it makes me so dejected about my own prospects because I’m not as smart or accomplished as most of you guys. I also feel like I need to shut the hell up and not complain because I have it “easy,” but there are still things I need to change.

    I’m feeling personally low right now because it seems like I have topped out at my earning potential where I live, and the only way to bump it up is to get a graduate degree. But then all I hear is what a waste it would be. And I feel too old and too broke to do that. So now what do I do?

    Most days, I feel like I peaked at 17 and wish I could go back. At least then, I knew what I had to do to succeed, did well, and the future looked bright! These days, I just feel dumb, and that all that lies ahead is lack of fulfillment and bankruptcy.

    I am so sorry to be Debbie Downer on a Friday. :-(

      1. Jamie*

        I hear you both.

        I want to go back for my 17 year old looks and the inner certainty I had that I was invincible and meant for great things. And the Grand National.

        But I want to keep my 40 something knowledge – I worked hard for this. And my car – the GN didn’t have a built in audio jacks for my phone. And my house and all my autonomy – because I’m too damn old to be sneaking out of windows.

        Just trying to picture 17 year old me with giant hair and an off the shoulder guess t-shirt auditing people would be kind of amusing. (Sad that I still wear the same kind of sneakers I did then – some things don’t change)

        1. Stephanie*

          For me, at least, it’s been easy to romaticize that age because I felt invincible because I (luckily) had had no serious challenges in my life at that point. The recipe for success for also very easy and I mastered it well.

          But thinking back, at 28, I have a lot more knowledge and a somewhat better sense of self now that I did at that age.

          1. Sharm*

            This is true. I don’t credit enough my parents for making my life so stable and comfortable. I also had no serious challenges (which I’m so fortunate for).

            I don’t necessarily want to be back in high school, but the promise of options and the future were so inspiring back then! College really chewed me up and spat me out; I’ve never felt very confident in myself since then.

        2. Sharm*

          I guess where I feel different is that I don’t even know that I’m all that wise right now! I’m almost 31, so I know people will tell me I haven’t even lived yet. Sure. But I was so much more confident in my abilities back then. My brain felt sharp, and I knew so much random, useful stuff!

          I was also a real serious kid 17; I never really acted up or rebelled. So I’ve always felt pretty mature. I know we all do stupid things as kids, but I feel I’ve just gotten dumber when I should have been getting wiser.

          I think I’m feeling a bit too bummed to see clearly, but I definitely appreciate your point! Maybe with some distance, I won’t be quite so ready to leap back 15 years in my life. :-)

          1. Not So NewReader*

            “Dumber” can be “stagnation” in a different costume.

            I tend to think of my 20s as basically a decade of wanting to scream- I am not a kid anymore. However, screaming would have unraveled the point of the message.

            My 30s felt like nothing was moving. I was stuck on a hamster wheel. Around and around I go. Same wheel, different day.

            It gets better. Honest. But give yourself a fighting chance.
            Change one thing. It can be anything. Get a volunteer job. Decide to eat a salad every day. It does not matter what you pick really. Pick something new and make it happen. See where that puts you. Then pick something else new and weave that into your life. Keep doing this.

            One of the things that I found was that through childhood and on through college someone else was moving my life along. I had to do what the teachers said. I had to find part time work to earn money for school costs, etc. In my late 20s and early 30s part of the reason I was stuck on the hamster wheel was because I needed to insist that I move my life along in some manner. No one was giving me that framework any more. Give it some thought and change one well chosen thing. See how it goes.

    2. E.R*

      All I can say here is that I hear you, I’ve been there, and life can turn around so, so quickly. Hang in there.

    3. AndersonDarling*

      I think about what Mr. Rogers said about the fear we feel after tragedy… Whenever there is a tragedy, there are also people to help the people who are suffering.
      I don’t get down about the crummy things I read here because 1. there are lots of people responding who give advice and are supportive, and it’s nice to know these people are out there. And 2. A lot of the time, these stories have happy endings. :)

    4. Elizabeth West*

      AndersonDarling said it so well.

      And *hug* I don’t think you necessarily need a grad degree, maybe just a change. Right now, even something small could make you feel better. Is there a way to take an online course (plenty of free ones–try Coursera or something like that) in something you always wanted to learn? Even if it’s not job-related, it might kickstart your brain. I know from experience that when you’re feeling this way, your mind seems to shut down and it’s hard to think. Once you get it going again, though, it’s easier to see possibilities.

      1. Sharm*

        This is a good suggestion, and thank you for the kind words! I have many interests, so it’s hard for me to focus on just one. I do think a course would be good for me to try, though. I’ve been meaning to check out lynda because of suggestions on this board — I will look at it this weekend!

    5. Ali*

      Oh don’t worry I hear you! I am searching for a job right now and I feel so “average” compared to the tons and tons of candidates on the market, especially since a lot of places are still drawing 100-300 applicants per position. All this talk of hearing how your resume is supposed to have all these amazing accomplishments and how your cover letter is supposed to be practically Pulitzer-winning and how you have to be a STAR to have any hope of getting a new job…sigh. It always downs me when I apply for a job armed with a steady job (with a promotion and awesome reviews no less), a cover letter showing why I want to work at Company X and references of people who I know are speaking positively of me…only to never get an interview or a rejection e-mail. Sometimes I wish I had better connections. I know some people who seem to just have good fortune fall right into their laps and they barely have to work for it. Whenever I apply places, people will say to me they don’t know anyone in the department of the company I’m applying in or they’ll say they’ll put a word in, but nothing comes of it.

      I feel like I peaked early in college too and screwed up a lot there. I only have a 3.2 GPA, which I try not to care about seeing as I graduated in 2008, but I still see ads asking for high GPAs and graduates of “top-tier schools,” and I know neither applies to me.

      Don’t feel bad about being a downer! Also, when I try to commiserate, people just say “Oh well, suck it up!” Boo.

    6. Joey*

      I think many many people would love to go back to 17/18 with fewer responsibilities.

      Fwiw, you just have to live life, continually try to put yourself in good situations, and see where it takes you. Fwiw I think many many young professionals (including myself) can’t really picture themselves with a good salary and a good job until they’re actually there. And many times it’s not so much that you arrive in an obvious way. Its not until you start figuring out what makes you happy and what you’re willing to sacrifice to achieve the biggest priorities that you realize what you’ve got.

      I look at my career as a game that needs to be played with strategy to get what you want out of it. First you need to figure out what the rules are, not what they should be. Figure out where you would like to attempt to go. Take steps to get there. And continually evaluate if its working, if you still want to go there, and whether or not and how much to change your strategy. Along the you need to decide if its worth it to fight the people who are breaking the rules or advocate for different rules.

  98. anon-2*

    I have an open question for managers —

    Did you ever fire someone, then shortly realized that it was an out and out mistake? How did you work through it? Did you consider calling the fired person back?

    1. Befuddled Squirrel*

      I’m not a manager, but I would strongly consider calling the person, explaining the mistake, and at least apologizing and offering to help with their job search. It’s the right thing to do and it will keep you from burning bridges.

    2. Joey*

      Nope. How did you realize it was a mistake? Did you fire based on emotion or without all of the facts?

      I’ve certainly had doubts, but looking the facts always reassures me I made the right decision even if it was a difficult one.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I got called back from a manager that fired me. I did not return to the job.
      I realized the firing was for the best anyway. I needed to get away from that job. I was a little mad at the boss. But I did not stay mad.
      No. Don’t call. But do study the situation and let it show you things.

  99. E.R*

    Can anyone offer advice on starting Twitter, this late in the game?
    I had a Twitter account before it really took off, but I never really made a habit of it and ultimately deleted it. Years later, I’m 30 and slowly moving into PR (from working in the publishing industry) and I know that having a familiarity and track record with Twitter will be good for me, and probably ultimately quite fun. But I’m so shy about putting myself out there, and having to build up followers from zero when people are in the hundreds/thousands/millions. Any advice aside from “just do it”?

    1. Katie in Saskatchewan*

      I’m in PR/Communications and I don’t have a personal Twitter. I have volunteered for non-profits to manage theirs so I can proof and experience doing social media, but personally I stay away from it. [Mainly because I don’t want to be on the computer/phone all day after work and also to keep my life private].

    2. Sharm*

      My advice is to have a public account (which I’m sure you will!). I was an early adopted of most social media, but am a privacy freak, so everything I have is on lockdown. Problem is, you can’t interact with people you don’t know if you do that. For what you want to do, it makes sense to be open, even though it’s scary.

      Once you get into it for just a few weeks, you’ll have enough “history” of tweets on your account that the total amount of time you’ve been there won’t really matter. It’s rather the type of discussions you have, who you follow, what you share, and all that good stuff.

      Also, for lots of people and organizations, if you follow them, they might immediately follow you back. There are all kinds of tools out there to find who to follow and what not, but I say, just focus on building up some content. I think you’d be amazed at how quickly your list will grow if you have an active, public account, and just focus some time on your list.

      Good luck! I wish I had the skill to operate a personal and public account, but I’m so used to my private one. I know it hurts me, work-wise, because I am in marketing as well, but I’m just hoping to figure out some other way for me. If I could have started public, I would have, but there are too many personal details about me on there now. My mistake!

    3. Sharm*

      My advice is to have a public account (which I’m sure you will!). I was an early adopted of most social media, but am a privacy freak, so everything I have is on lockdown. Problem is, you can’t interact with people you don’t know if you do that. For what you want to do, it makes sense to be open, even though it’s scary.

      Once you get into it for just a few weeks, you’ll have enough “history” of tweets on your account that the total amount of time you’ve been there won’t really matter. It’s rather the type of discussions you have, who you follow, what you share, and all that good stuff.

      Also, for lots of people and organizations, if you follow them, they might immediately follow you back. There are all kinds of tools out there to find who to follow and what not, but I say, just focus on building up some content. I think you’d be amazed at how quickly your list will grow if you have an active, public account, and just focus some time on your list.

      Good luck!

    4. Bonnie*

      I’m not in PR and I only have about 950 followers so I don’t know if this will be helpful but I suggest if you are just starting out to generously share content of others. That will attract the attention of the content generator who will engage with you and their followers will then be interested and so on. It also puts less burden on you to be “on” if you are not comfortable with that role in the beginning.

  100. Befuddled Squirrel*

    I have a new boss whose perception of my job and skill set is wildly off. He thinks I lack any kind of technical expertise and was hired to organize documents. The truth is that I have a masters degree and years of experience in a technical field, and was hired to design, build, and manage an internal website. I’ve tried showing him my work, but he still seems to credit a male co-worker with it. How can I explain my credentials and skills without coming across as self-aggrandizing?

    1. Victoria Nonprofit*

      I’d love to hear responses to this. If you don’t get any since it’s late in the open thread, try sending to Alison?

    2. Malissa*

      Schedule a meeting and sit down and discuss this with him. It’s a BIG DEAL and you need to know where he stands on this.
      I would start by saying that I’ve done X, Y, and Z but it seems that Wakeen has been getting the credit. You’re not accusing him of anything, but this open ended and gives you a chance to see how he reacts.
      If he seems like it’s not a big deal or doesn’t seem to care it’s time for a talk with his boss. Something along the lines of, “Hey I know Dave is new here, but he seems to be a bit unclear on who does what and I think that might lead to confusion.”
      If all else fails somebody else will appreciate your hard work.

    3. Windchime*

      I’d love to hear the answer, too. In my previous job, everyone thought that my male coworker did all the programming in our department. I was in a meeting once with end users, and one of them looked at me and said,”Maybe you can ask the programmers to do this?” Um. I’m sitting right here. I said, “I am a programmer. I can do it.”

    4. Mouse*

      I have a very similar problem! And it’s SO frustrating! It’s as if they completely overlooked my resume and past experience when I got hired. I know I am days late to this thread, so you probably won’t see this, but I would love for Allison to answer this question in a post.

  101. El Hustlero*

    I’m just fishing for thoughts…

    I had a phone interview 2 weeks ago, I have a face-to-face 2nd interview next week, for a “dream job”.

    Issue # 1: I was just promoted and small raise with it at my current employer. I didn’t get the position my manager had talked about for the past 1.5 years. The role I’m in is actually a good & important one, but not for me and my personality, and I am not hitting the ground running because I have LOTS to learn, and it’s not my cup of tea so far.

    Issue # 2: The “dream job” role is actually one that had spoken about with the interviewer before I started with my current employer. She really DID remember me when she said, “I’ll keep you in mind when something opens up.”

    I have no idea what salary, benefits, etc would be offered, if at all. But I just want to get someone else’s thoughts on this situation.

    Sorry for the long post, done with lunch, back to work!

    1. a.n.o.n.*

      “The role I’m in is actually a good & important one, but not for me and my personality”

      I think you really need to keep this in mind. Don’t ignore your gut. If a job is too much work, too little work, complicated, etc., those are all things that can be changed. A fit for you and your personality isn’t so easy to change.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Just keep following this. The more facts you collect up about the new job the better you will see what to do and how to handle things.

      I would not worry about quitting after an overdue promotion and modest raise. It could be months before you even start dream job- if they hire you. (Not trying to be a downer- but I see this over and over. It takes months for this stuff to be hammered out.)
      I would just keep following this path and see where it goes.

  102. Katie in Saskatchewan*

    Question/Concern: I am in the final stages of a job offer at a new organization (provincial government agency). I was Googling the manager’s name and my soon-to-be coworker. Her name came up in a news article stating she and a man had been charged with an illegal grow operation. It’s definitely her (unique name, town listed is the same, age seems to be right).

    My questions are: 1. shouldn’t she have been fired from a government job if you’re charged violating the criminal act? 2. what do I say/do at my new job? (we’ll be working side-by-side on everything)?

    I can understand if it was a mistake or ‘wrong place, wrong time’, but she was charged. Ideas/Advice??

    1. Looking for new career*

      Well, supposedly you’re innocent until proven guilty (in the USA). But I imagine she’s likely to be going to trial and I bet that office will get pretty weird.

      I would think you shouldn’t say anything to her about it until she brings it up, and then don’t say anything but “Oh.”

      But you have to decide if you want to be around all that likely drama.

      1. Katie in Saskatchewan*

        Yeah, she was charged for this grow operation (possession, trafficking, etc.) back in 2010. She has been employed at this gov agency since 2007. I can understand if you’re investigated but never charged then keeping your job, but I thought if you’re charged, it’s grounds for dismissal.

        1. Darth Admin*

          I’m not really sure why it matters to you. Not being snarky, but presumably the charges haven’t affected her work – because if they had, the manager would’ve addressed it. Whether or not it’s grounds for dismissal is another question, but again – a question for her manager(s) and her.

          I don’t know why you’d need to say anything about it at all when working side-by-side with her.

    2. CTO*

      I think you need to pretend like you never found this information out. There’s no good way to go about discussing it with her, and discussing it with others at work when you’re brand-new is going to hurt you far more than it will hurt her.

      So… do you think you can forget about it? If not, then maybe this isn’t a good fit.

      (It’s also worth noting that being charged is not the same as being guilty. Perhaps the charges were dropped later into the investigation?)

      1. Katie in Saskatchewan*

        My guess is that the charges were dropped. Part of me is more curious than anything about what happened (it was a massive bust for the area).
        I’m also curious because for this new job, I just had to get a criminal background check and they said they take any charges/arrests very seriously (I have none) … so it makes me think ‘what happened with her case…’
        I won’t say anything at all to her unless she brings it up, it’s her business anyway

    3. LMW*

      I’m not a lawyer, but can’t you be charged with something and then have the charges dropped before it goes to court? And then, if you don’t plea, there’s still the whole trial thing?
      If anything, I’d be relieved if someone wasn’t fired for being charged. There’s a long distance from being charged to being convicted.

    4. O*

      It could be a number of things, the charges might have been dropped, a deal worked out, maybe it wasn’t a felony, someone might have pulled some strings for her. I don’t think you’ll probably ever know (the curiosity would eat at me though), and personally while I admit it would change how I perceive them and their actions, I definitely would try my hardest not to let those things creep into the work environment. I’d say just keep it professional, try not to let this knowledge color every single one of their actions, and you know if they try to sell you something, then maybe inform your boss. :)

    5. Nerdling*

      Here, just being charged with a crime wouldn’t necessarily be grounds for firing someone. In our job, it might well result in a suspension or shifted duties, but because a lot can happen between being charged and having an outcome — from the charges being dropped due to lack of evidence to acquittal — an outright firing would be unlikely, depending on the charges.

      I definitely wouldn’t mention it. She may have ended up involved in something incidentally, possibly through someone she was friends with or was dating, or she may have been arrested as part of a guilt by association incident, where she was present but had no idea of the illegal nature of the proceedings. If she really had nothing to do with it, the whole thing is likely extremely embarrassing and painful for her. Bringing it up would probably be a good way to start things off on entirely the wrong foot.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This. I have often hear that 90% of what we see in the paper is not true. Just recently something was written in the paper about friends of mine. Since I knew the situation, I knew that the reporter had missed huge, key facts in the story. I also knew that when confronted, the reporter still could not wrap his mind around the technicalities of the situation.
        In another instance, I learned of a person who was charged with possession of large amounts of pot. The rest of the story is that this person had done something, unrelated, yet true, that caused a few people to become quite angry with him.

        Not trying to be mean- but sometimes I see things that fly in the face of what I think is true. (Ex: What do you mean this pot was planted on someone? That never happens.) So I had two choices, I could decide that there is more than one side to the story OR I could move away from the people involved in this story. In my pot example, I would have decided to move away from the person who was falsely charged. NOT because of the charge. But because this person hangs out with people that play a real rough game. And I don’t want anything to do with that type of stuff. It’s a free-for-all and I could get caught up unwittingly.
        And this is where you could be- that you just want to stay away from this type of stuff.

  103. Looking for new career*

    Been lurking for a few weeks, but would love some feedback from all you smart people here.

    I’m an architect and have been running my own one-man business the last eleven years. I’m now really ready to change careers.

    I live in the Bay Area, CA and am interested in getting into a biggish company doing tech-ish work. I’m not a programmer and don’t want to become one, but I enjoy learning new software programs and getting to know them well, I’m organized, detail-oriented, analytical, and a good listener.

    I’m trying to find out what kinds of jobs might fit me. Any ideas of job types, groups to visit or join, websites, or other ways to research job types?

    Thank you for you help!

    1. a.n.o.n.*

      I’ll be watching this one! I’m interested in hearing what others have to say, since I’m trying to figure things out, too.

    2. Stephanie*

      My best friend has an architecture degree and graduated in 2009, when there were no architecture jobs. She fell into UI/UX and loves it. She said it really built on her design skills. Could be a good fit for you, especially since you’re in the Bay Area.

      1. Looking for new career*

        Great idea! I was kind of curious about UI/UX but haven’t looked into it since I consider my design skills the weak link in my architecture work (which plays into one reason I want a change).

        But it’s definitely worth exploring. It does appeal to me…and sounds like fun!

        1. Stephanie*

          Talking to her, it sounds like it’s a lot of being able to have an eye for how things fit together and factoring in how the design fits in with the end usability.

          She works for a company that sells a financial terminal, so her UX job is less about making it look pretty and more about designing it such that the design is conducive to the end use of the product (for example, the stock ticker panel is in a logical place). I think even you say your design skills are your weak link, you’re still going to have a better idea of design than the average person. So perhaps you could look for roles where design is more of a functional tool versus an aesthetic one (if that makes any sense).

          Good luck!

          1. Looking for new career*

            That’s sounds like something I could be really good at and enjoy. Thanks for the info!

    3. Idea Cube*

      I would start getting membership to local/regional tech groups and organizations. Usually these give you access to job boards so you can see what requirements are for local or regional job postings. You can also go to networking events through the organization/club to learn the lingo, lay-of-the-land and other people. You could also do informational interviews or a mentor program if you feel comfortable doing that thing.

      1. Looking for new career*

        Thanks. I just need to dig into the web deeper, and also start asking friends and acquaintances to find what groups and networking events are out there.

        I’ve looked on Meetup.com some but will start looking harder, and looking more places.

    4. Befuddled Squirrel*

      Oddly, I know 3 people in the Bay Area who got an architecture degree and then went on to work at tech companies. One started as a UI designer and is now an architect for data applications. Another is a developer who customizes software at an architecture firm. And the third is a product manager at a startup.

  104. Lux*

    I’m sorry this is long but I really could do with some advice.

    I have been experiencing several problems with a notoriously difficult colleague. I won’t go in to the detail but I raised my concerns with our line manager twice. I believe our line manager never raised the issue with her because the 2 are very good friends and because my colleagues behaviour got worse. My colleague then complained about me which resulted in both our line manager and the department manager having a meeting with me to raise her concerns. I was too upset at the time to realise that they had not acted on the serious concerns I had so I asked them both for another meeting in order to question this.

    I asked why nothing was done when I had raised concerns several times. My line manager just stayed silent which I took as an admission of guilt & the department manager agreed it was a fair point. They concluded that they would both speak to her. After a couple of weeks it was obvious this had not yet happened so I again asked the department manager if my colleague was ever going to be made to answer to anything. He again reassured me that they would speak to her. Another 2 weeks passed by and it was still clear nothing had been said so when I again asked the department manager why not he said the line manager had the meeting with her but he was not present and that they don’t have to tell me they’ve spoken to her. I believe if you raise issues as serious as mine why can’t they say they have spoken to her and hopefully the problem will be solved? I don’t expect to be given quotes of who said what! Anyway as he is aware of the bias involved due to their close relationship he offered to speak to her himself.

    Long story short he didn’t speak to her until he overheard me talking to a friend about it- he took her out of the office in front of me (at this point 3 months after I originally raised my concerns and a week after he promised to speak to her!). The department manager is now acting very differently towards me & I believe this is because I forced his hand by making him do his job.

    At this point would it be wise for me to speak to him and explain that by dealing with me straight away when a complaint had been raised but not doing the same with her I was being held to a different standard which is unfair (especially considering how difficult this colleague is known to be)? Or should I leave it? I can’t bare how he no longer makes conversation with me- he used to be very approachable and friendly and seems to have turned on me because I made him do his job! When he overheard me it wasn’t anything I’d not already said to him btw I just said that I didn’t think it was fair and he had been acting off with me the day before anyway.

    1. Bryan*

      You should leave it. I know it sucks but by you going back and initiating a conversation about this again it’s going to do you no favors.

    2. Ruffingit*

      Leave it. Also, this is somewhat concerning: I can’t bare how he no longer makes conversation with me… You can’t bare it? Why not? Not being able to bare something tends to speak to deep emotion and that isn’t appropriate here. It would be one thing if this guy was a close friend or something and now the relationship is irrevocably harmed, but he’s not. He’s your superior at work. It may stink that he is no longer collegial because you made him do his job, but it is what it is. I’d leave it alone and see how it shakes out in the next month or so. He may come back around to being friendly, but if not, there’s nothing that can be said or done that hasn’t already been said/done to make this better.

      Also consider that he may be upset because he felt you were being pushy by getting on his case to talk to this woman. Perhaps he felt you were telling him how to do his job. Fair or not, that may be what he felt. Could also be that he had spoken to the woman in question more than once and there is some behind the scenes stuff going on in reference to her that he doesn’t want to share (they’re getting ready to fire her, she’s put in her notice, tons of possibilities here).

      There could be a lot of things you aren’t seeing here. Leave it alone, see how it works out, job hunt if you feel the need. Don’t keep explaining and bothering these people. Nothing more can be said that you haven’t already said.

    3. Colette*

      You do realize they’re not obligated to do anything about your complaint, unless it was about illegal discrimination, right?

      You’re also not entitled to receive any sort of update about what they said to her (other than, perhaps, that they spoke to her).

      Was the complaint she made about you valid? If so, work on that.

      Were the complaints you made about her about things that affect your job? If so, explain (as impartially as you can) what you’ve asked her for, what response you’ve gotten, and what you still need and ask your manager how to handle it.

      I feel like you’re caught up it “but it’s not fair!” and that’s a losing game.

    4. OPI Addict*

      Leave it. Let it go. Work on being the best employee you can be. And stop trying to make your boss do what you think their job is.

      Fair or not, nothing good will come of continuing to drag this up.

    5. Aisling*

      Talking to your manager at this point isn’t going to solve anything. It sounds like you really want him to do what you see as appropriate, but by not doing anything for so long, you’ve seen what kind of manager he really is.

      You will not be able to change your manager: at this point, you get to decide if this is the job for you or not.

    6. Katie the Fed*

      Without knowing more about the specific complaints, it’s hard to say if the manager acted appropriately.

      That being said, it sure sounds like a lot of drama to me. Managers really, really, REALLY don’t want to get involved in drama between employees at work. We expect you to be adults and do the job we’re paying you to do. When we have to get involved in stuff like this – it’s going to make both of you look bad generally.

      You need to drop it. Your manager doesn’t owe you a follow-up to this. Stop talking about it to colleagues, stop bringing it up to your manager. Just do your job. If the colleague is preventing you from doing your job – that’s what you need to raise.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Newton’s Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

      I had to learn this one, too. Do not push hard unless the issue is worth it and I am braced for the fallout.
      When ever you push hard on something there is always fallout.

      My hope here is that your concern is NOT for your physical safety and well-being. If you are concerned for your own safety- get out of the job. ASAP. If it is other type of concerns then I agree with what people have written here.

  105. CTO*

    I’m applying for jobs and am very used to seeing affirmative action/Equal Opportunity Employer questions (gender, race, etc.) being asked as part of an online application process. I personally don’t mind answering these as I do trust that the online data collected is kept separate from my personal application part.

    But I just (this minute) got an email from a place I applied yesterday, asking me to complete the AA/EEO form and return it to them via email. This does not seem like a system that’s sufficiently anonymous to engender trust in many applicants. Has anyone else encountered this?

    1. Jamie*

      I’m embarrassed to admit I’m not really sure how affirmative action works.

      It’s my understanding that quotas are a misconception – but they are collecting data so what are they measuring it against. There have to be some kind of guidelines or benchmarks – otherwise what’s the point of collecting data.

      1. Persephone Mulberry*

        I can’t speak for all companies, but at mine, WE don’t do anything with it. We have to tally it and submit it to the state to get some kind of certification.

      2. Kat*

        It’s to see if who a company hires accurately reflects the make up the candidate pool. If 100 percent of your applicants are white females and 100 percent of your workforce is also white females, you aren’t diverse, but you technically fall within affirmative action. If 75% of your applicants are Asian females and 100% of your workforce is white females, then you have issues.

        A smart company/org could also use this information to align recruiting processes with diversity goals, but I don’t know how many actually have diversity goals.

        1. Jamie*

          Thanks – I appreciate the info. So there has to be some formula where it tips from being acceptable workforce to applicant ratio to a problem.

          So employers know the percentage benchmark for which they are supposed to be shooting?

          So if I understand it correctly it’s not technically a quota, but if you are in the red zone and need to get your stats on track it could operate as one.

          It’s a complicated system.

    2. Joey*

      They probably have an outdated system or less expensive system that doesn’t have the capability so they have to do it manually.

      1. CTO*

        Yeah, what’s interesting is that there was an online application system via their recruitment agency, but this email came directly from the hiring company.

        I did have one organization (a large, well-funded one, oddly) actually mail a postcard for me to complete and mail back. At least that was anonymous, though I’m sure their response rate was low.

        Why not just provide a link to an online anonymous survey instead?

    3. Elle D*

      This happened to me once – I filled it out and sent it back, afraid it would reflect poorly on me if I ignored the email. I didn’t end up getting an interview (but most likely due to my qualifications and not the affirmative action form).

  106. Anna*

    Oh no! I hope I’m not too late. I have a question and a rant.

    1. So I just got a job offer for my 3rd choice company. My first choice company already background checked me and drug tested me but I haven’t heard back from them and it’s been a week. I want to contact them and tell them that I got another offer to hopefully find out what’s going on but….should I email HR who has been contacting me about the background check/drug test or should I email the woman who interviewed me? (my would-be manager). Or do I email one and CC the other? I know, I’m thinking too much into it.

    2. MY CURRENT BOSS IS NUTSO. Today she decided that since not all our customers are Christian we will be keeping the office open for Easter. Half of us will work Friday and half Monday. NO ONE is happy about this but she refuses to budge. This was her reasoning for only having Thanksgiving off too (as opposed to a late start on Friday) “Not all our customers are American”. And for not having Christmas Eve off. I just don’t get it.

    1. CTO*

      A lot of businesses are open on all of those holidays, so I don’t see that as weird. I work in social services (where we usually get more holidays than the average person, though fewer than government) and we still work a full week around Easter/Passover. Maybe it depends on the sector, though.

    2. The IT Manager*

      Well in defense of your nutso boss, the American government (are you in the US?) doesn’t make the days surrounding Easter a holiday.

      1. Jamie*

        I’ve never had the Monday after Easter off and only Good Friday in the mfg industry because the vast majority of the factory staff is Catholic and it’s just easier to schedule production around a day off than wonder who will/can make it in.

        And a lot of companies don’t do the Friday after Thanksgiving.

        None of this is unusual to me.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          In the OP’s defense, I’ve never had days around Easter/Passover off, but it sounds like they may have had it off before, and now this manager is changing it. Taking away holidays is a very legitimate gripe, especially with such little notice.

          Anna, if you come back and read this, can you clarify?

          1. Anna*

            Yes, this is true. In our handbook we’ve had those days off before but then boss will revamp the handbook ~2 weeks before holiday and change it. We used to have Black Friday off, Christmas eve and New Year’s eve off too. She keeps changing it very suddenly.

        2. Colette*

          I’m in Canada. Good Friday is a holiday for me (in Ontario), but my American colleagues are working, and we’re all working the Monday. That’s not that unusual.

      2. AVP*

        Yeah, I’ve never heard of having Good Friday or Easter Monday off (since I graduated from Catholic school, anyway).

        1. Jamie*

          I had all the Jewish holidays off as a kid in public school…which for a Catholic girl was awesome. No school and no family/religious obligations.

          I still wonder sometimes why I have to work Yom Kippur – funny how “the way things are” as a kid stays in your hard wiring.

          1. AVP*

            And my mother’s birthday falls on one of the odder Catholic holidays – we always had it off but no one else did. When I was very young I thought that meant Mom’s birthday was a national holiday!

        2. Laufey*

          My first year at my job, we got Good Friday off. The recently took away Good Friday as a paid holiday but gave us two floating holidays in exchange. We all consider this to be a fair trade.

      3. Anna*

        I am in the US. And I guess I’m annoyed because it’s in our handbook that we have those days off and she springs this on us so last minute. My one co-worker’s grandfather is dying and she has been trying to get an answer from my boss about what day we will have off for Easter for weeks and my boss keeps pushing her aside. Finally she told us this today, and my poor co-worker was told she has to be gone on Monday and not Friday so she will be missing her family that is coming in that Friday to say goodbye to her grandfather. It’s just a messy situation and I wouldn’t be so annoyed about it if she doesn’t do this for EVERY holiday. She literally screamed at my manager for asking to take Christmas Eve off without pay.

        1. Colette*

          It sounds like you have a terrible manager. Is there anyone above her who might have an opinion on working during days you’re supposed to have off?

          I hope one of your opportunites works out.

          1. Anna*

            She’s the owner’s wife so…no :( Hence why I am leaving! We get screamed at daily, and my co-worker who took off today received a phone call asking if she was really sick or if she was faking it. It’s just one more thing to be upset about. Especially since my coworker friend and I will be off on different days so we couldn’t even use the day to go get a pedicure/get lunch like we had hoped!

    3. Bundle of Joy*

      1. Yes, you could email HR saying that you have another offer on the table, but that they’re the first choice. I would use the search bar at the top of this site. There are lots of really good answers on how to word an email to see what can be done. See this: https://www.askamanager.org/2012/05/how-to-juggle-a-job-offer-when-youre-waiting-on-another-and-how-to-find-a-mentor.html

      or this one: https://www.askamanager.org/2013/06/should-i-down-down-a-job-offer-in-the-hope-a-different-company-will-offer-me-a-job.html

      2. Yeah, that totally sucks about holidays. It is actually quite common though. I work for an international company and we have to work some holidays too. The silver lining is that most people are fairly relaxed and end up socializing or kicking back on those holidays a bit more than normal. You could ask her the benefits of being open those days, but I’m not sure that would do anything positive.

      1. Anna*

        Thank you! I wasn’t sure if I should just email HR or email the woman who interviewed me too. But it might come off too strong if I email both.

  108. Ruffingit*

    FRIDAY BEST AND WORST!

    What was the worst part of your week?

    What was the best part of your week?

    1. C average*

      Worst: The 2 p.m. meeting today at which I will have to explain why the project I’m working on isn’t closer to finished than it is. (My fault, but there are a lot of extenuating circumstances: changing parameters, access to the tool I’m supposed to be using, lack of clear direction, urgent competing priorities. The truth is that I would have overcome all of these if I didn’t hate this project so much. I feel like I am in fourth grade and have been ordered to write a report about Ohio or something. This project is pretty much designed to tap into every bad habit and insecurity and area of opportunity I possess.)

      Best part: Getting to write and send out a department-wide announcement about our director winning a huge company-wide honor, and to see the responses. He so deserves it. He’s kind of an intimidating guy and I don’t think he gets the praise he deserves very often. It’s clear that he’s really enjoying the praise and appreciation he’s getting now from everyone in the department–I think he’s honestly surprised by how well-liked he is by everyone.

      1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

        Ugh. That feeling that you know you could have done better if you had pushed past your dislike of a project? The worst. I feel you.

        1. C average*

          It was less horrible than I feared. There was some empathy and a promise of help with Evil Project, plus reassurances that the document I’ve created so far (which seems horrifically boring to me) is very much what’s needed.

          Whew.

    2. Cath in Canada*

      Best: hearing that a couple of trainees I’d helped with fellowship applications had been awarded the requested funds

      Worst: spilling fruit tea all over my desk and myself.

      1. Cath in Canada*

        Updated Worst: finding out 10 minutes before a meeting I was set to chair that the recurring room booking had somehow disappeared from the Admin calendar (which I can’t see) and that the room I wanted, plus all other meeting rooms in the building AND the lunch room, were all already booked. So I had to cancel a meeting with some rather senior people with 5 minutes notice. Awesome.

        This is <1 year into a 3 year project, and the recurring booking was supposed to cover all 3 years :-(

    3. Tinker*

      I bike/bus commuted every day except Monday and Thursday, and finally got a lunch ride in today on my shiny new single speed bike. Meanwhile, I got $1100 of repairs done on my car, on account of a broken coil spring and leaking brake cylinders.

      I’m kind of sidling up to looking at my credit card balance, not wanting to make eye contact with it lest I turn to stone.

    4. Befuddled Squirrel*

      Worst: Not being given the tools I need to do my job while male co-workers with less experience (including an intern I supervised) get everything they ask for. Facing constant roadblocks and seeing my workload evaporate and my job belittled.

      Best: Getting recruited by another department to do more exciting and challenging work!

    6. Joey*

      Best: took a few hours off to go to my 3yr old trikeathon at school.
      Worst: my bro’s ex wife is getting all stalkerish again. I feel bad for him and that my 7yr old niece has a mom with so many problems.

    7. Jamie*

      Best: I ordered a new duvet cover and it came Wednesday. It’s even more beautiful than online and going to sleep now makes me ridiculously happy.

      Worst: I think I’m getting a sinus infection because my whole mouth hurts and I know I’ll suffer for days before going to the doctor because I hate going to the doctor.

        1. Jamie*

          :) – I know. When oh when are they going to make antibiotics otc. He will look at me for 2 seconds and write a script for a Z pack. I know this, he knows this, why do we pretend he’s not my antibiotic dealer.

          1. Colette*

            I procrastinate on going to the doctor, too – my doctor is awesome, but she’s far away and hard to get last minute appointments with.

          2. Persephone Mulberry*

            virtuwell dot com (or something similar if that site is regional or something). Fill in all your symptoms on a little website form, a nurse practitioner reviews them and sends the prescription straight to your pharmacy within 30 minutes, for the price of your office copay or $45, whichever is less. Best. Thing. Ever.

            1. Jamie*

              Get out of here! If this works for me I will need to find a way to send you a basket of muffins – along with my undying gratitude.

              1. Persephone Mulberry*

                It looks like Virtuwell is regional, but I hope you can find something similar (start by calling your health plan). I kind of don’t know how I lived without it. A few weeks back my son’s school sent him home (like, they must’ve sent him straight to the nurse as soon as he walked in the door) because the thought he had pinkeye. I picked him up, took him home, did the Virtuwell thing, the NP confirmed it was allergies and not contagious, I printed out the visit report and took him back to school – all in less time than it would’ve taken for him just to get in front of a doctor at the walk-in clinic. It’s fantastic.

    8. Colette*

      Worst part of my week: two evenings with meetings/activities when I really wanted to be at home.
      Best part of my week: wearing shoes instead of boots.

      1. College Career Counselor*

        Amen. I have been able to wear shoes instead of boots to work this week for the first time since December.

    9. AnonForThis*

      Best: A really good meeting with my manager. I had good updates to give and she gave me strong advice on handling my project that isn’t going well. Also, I feel literally drunk with the sunshine we’ve had for the past few days. Everything is awesome.

      Worst: An ongoing challenge with a colleague. We’ve never learned to work well together (she’s controlling and I haven’t managed the appropriate boundaries; she is *definitely* the problem but my part in this is also very clear), and we’re at the point where she’ll barely acknowledge me. Fortunately – and she doesn’t know this yet – I’m transferring to a different department soon. I truly don’t know what I’d do otherwise. I’ve never had a personality struggle at work and I’m at my wits end.

    10. Stephanie*

      Best: Today’s my birthday!
      Worst: I had a particularly brutal exam for the class I’m taking (plus all the pre-exam studying). It sounded like the consensus was that it was tough, so maybe the professor will curve it.

      5. Ruffingit*

        HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE! In the way of giving a virtual birthday gift, I would like you to know that I always enjoy your posts and feel you add a lot to the discussion here at AAM. Just wanted you to know I value your input a lot.

        Have a great day!

        1. Stephanie*

          Thanks! I’m glad you enjoy my posts. Actually, sometimes I feel like I can’t contribute as much since I’m relatively inexperienced, but I try. I’ve learned so much from this blog-both the posts and the comments.

    11. VintageLydia USA*

      Worst: The run around I got trying to get my son’s glasses prescription in only to discover right as I was paying they didn’t take my insurance (would’ve been nice to know!) followed swiftly by finding out my FIL was coming for an unexpected visit and the entire house was in shambles. I took a much needed relaxing bath last night after cleaning all day.

      Best: Being able to relax all day today with the windows open because now I have no more chores since I did them all yesterday :P

    12. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Worst: I am home from vacation! There’s a bunch of work to catch up on.

      Best: I am home from vacation! I will be able to watch the Game of Thrones season premiere (I was away when it aired Sunday), and have taco night, and sleep in my own, perfectly appointed bed.

    13. Nerdling*

      Worst: Being stuck inside during gorgeous weather

      Best: Getting some really great compliments on the cake I decorated for my final project (cake decorating class) and then getting to eat it, because it was delicious

    14. Persephone Mulberry*

      Best: I got a really nice compliment from a coworker about my work on the Huge Project.

      Worst: I am sooooooo far behind on my chemistry homework, it’s not even funny. And I am going to have no time this weekend to catch up. It makes me a little sick to my stomach to think about it.

    15. AAA*

      Best: Brought in an exercise ball to bounce on as my chair!

      Worst: Soul sucking amounts of data entry this week….ugh.

      Also the realization that I can’t afford my new “affordable health care act” health plan—it’s more than double my cheapo-high-deductible plan that’s no longer legal under the ACA…Very frustrated that I now have to go from having (bad but acceptable in an emergency) health insurance to having no health insurance. I signed up, but I’ve since realized that the premiums are way out of my budget if I want to keep paying off my student loans. (I make *just* over the cut-off for subsidies). I want to like the ACA so badly!….but not so much working for me.

      1. Audiophile*

        This! My “cheap” plan through work also doesn’t meet the standard set by the ACA. Which means, I can either dump it all together and pickup the ACA or combine the two and be out more money.

        I keep hoping I’ll find a better job by the time the second enrollment period comes around. I didn’t sign up this period, so we’ll see what happens.

    16. shaky bacon*

      Worst: whatever madness is brewing outside. Part thunderstorm, part howling wind vortex.

      Best: eating at my new favourite ramen restaurant. Food makes me happy.

      1. Ali*

        Best: Having today, and every Friday from this point forward, OFF! Yay for a five-day work week!

        Worst: This pouring rain today. It was SO nice this morning, but I just got back from running my dog outside!

    17. Elizabeth West*

      Oh wow, over 1000 comments by the time I got back to this!

      Worst: I can’t get a response from people I need to talk to.

      Best: The A-Z blog challenge I’m doing has been going REALLY well. Making a plan helped. I haven’t missed one post (though the first one was a a day late because I had a meeting at school.)

  109. Ask a Manager* Post author

    I don’t usually post this kind of thing, but what the hell —

    I’m helping one of my clients, The Management Center, hire for a job that might be a good fit for you or someone you know. If you’re in the DC area, smart, highly organized, and a good writer, here’s more info on the opening:
    http://managementcenter.org/training-services-manager

    (Note that the role is not a trainer position itself; rather, this person will support the work of TMC’s trainers and serve as the day-to-day contact with training clients.)

    4. Katie the Fed*

      Ohh interesting! Got my attention. Gah, now to write an Alison-worthy cover letter and resume!

  111. Ali*

    I’m wayyyy late today! But that’s from having to be in a CPR class for five hours so I could have it on hand when I’m ready to teach Zumba. I went to the Red Cross and apparently they don’t test anymore before you get your certification. I’m not sure if we have any healthcare types or other CPR certified people here, but we did get a lot of information to retain and we couldn’t take our books home, so I’m not sure how I’m going to remember everything, especially since I struggle with more hands-on stuff. That said, there is no way I’d be able to teach without this, so if anyone has helpful tips to retain everything that would be awesome.

    Anyway, I want to thank the few people around in last week’s open thread who listened to me complain about my manager and my scheduling issues. He did oblige me moving to a five-day week and when I asked why he thought I might be having trouble getting shifts covered, he told me it’s because I work undesirable shifts that others want to avoid, especially since we’re still down a team member. (We’re apparently supposed to get someone new this month, but he said mid-April and there is no newbie in sight yet.) Also, Boss has taken a few days of PTO, so he’ll be MIA for a few days. Always a win!

    So while I’m grateful to those that chimed in and told me how to put my foot down (and not only that, it worked), I am continuing my job search since I want out of my industry segment regardless. Unfortunately, I just got rejected this week for a job I really wanted, and I suspect that because it was at a college, they gave it to an alum or an internal candidate…or at least someone who was more connected to the school. (I applied for a non-faculty role.) So I tried to revamp my resume, which is in the resumes subgroup of AAM LinkedIn if anyone can help, and I’m just going to keep plugging.

    Thanks again!

    1. Luxe in Canada*

      First aid and CPR, I can help you with.

      1) Your local library will have first aid books. Do not use the section on CPR and artificial resuscitation, the guidelines on that change too often (it’s changed at least once since the first time I was CPR trained), but everything else should be about the same. The actions you use should be the same, but the timing changes, so use the timing that you learned in class (write it down now!) Use those first aid books to study.

      2) Use a friend or even yourself. You can make slings, apply bandages, practice wound management, wrap elastic compresses around ankles, etc. Grab a pillow and use it to practice chest compressions for CPR and abdominal thrusts for choking.

      3) Practice going through the steps and thinking through a scenario — okay, somebody in my zumba class fell and hit her head, what are the things I should do, what are the things I should keep an eye out for? Use flash cards to study conditions and signs going both ways, if you can — it’s the difference between being able to list off what signs and symptoms are typical of a condition, vs knowing that if you see a particular sign or symptom you know what else to check for. It doesn’t do much good in the real world if I can ask you “what is a sign of shock” and you can tell me “clammy skin” but if I showed you someone with pale, clammy skin and then you couldn’t make the connection that it might be shock.

      4) Go on youtube and watch videos of first aid techniques — be careful of your sources, but anything put out by red cross, st john ambulance, any lifeguarding classes, any police/fire/ems department will all be accurate and complete.

      5) Good luck, and have fun teaching zumba!

  112. Carrie*

    Hey folks!

    I’ve been an avid reader for over a year now and find it immensely useful. I’m about 8 months into a job I love, and each month I set small goals for myself. Make sure everything is put on my to-do list, be a self-advocate, respond to all e-mails within 24 hours. Anything to make me more professional, efficient, and just better at my job.

    I was hoping you wise folks could give me more ideas. What are things you do that make you so awesome at your job? What are qualities you really appreciate in those you work with? Any ideas would be welcome!

    Thanks in advance!

    1. Looking for new career*

      I have no ideas for you (since I’m self-employed currently), but I love hearing a happy story like yours! Keep up the proactive good work!

    2. AVP*

      Anticipate needs and problems before they come up / become an issue. Actively look for ways to make things better, even if they’re okay for now.

      One that I learned from this blog is to always, always do what you say you will, in the timeframe that you’ve promised.

    3. shaky bacon*

      Follow-through is huge. Do what you say you will, when you said you would do it. If circumstances prevent you from doing so, be upfront, apologise, and compromise. You will soon build a reputation for not only being reliable, but trustworthy.

    4. Katie the Fed*

      Volunteer for things. If there are conferences or meetings that nobody wants to go to, offer to go. Volunteer for extra duties. I mean, don’t be a martyr or a suck-up, but if you take on extra assignments without complaint, that’s REALLY nice for your boss and gives you extra experience.

      Generally just have a good and positive attitude – it goes such a long way in making a more pleasant work environment, and it really will affect people’s perceptions of you.

  113. Bibi*

    I’ve had to take bereavement leave twice in the past two months (for two separate deaths in the family). I wasn’t able to attend either funeral because they were overseas but just needed some time to myself. As a result, I’ve collectively missed about a week and a half of work during which my co-workers had to cover my responsibilities for me. I now feel like I can’t use accrued vacation time for a few days that I wanted to take in a few months (since I’ve already had to rely on my co-workers and they would need to again if I took a vacation day). This isn’t something my co-workers have hinted at, just something that I feel bad about. Am I being completely ridiculous here? Some perspective would be greatly appreciated!

    1. giggleloop*

      I don’t think you’re being ridiculous at all. I had someone on my staff whose parents both passed away within a month of each other, and no one held it against her when she took a previously planned vacation a month after that.

    2. Joey*

      Is your work caught up? Has anyone who was covering while you were out put in for the same time off?

      1. Bibi*

        I’m a bit behind on a few things but I’m planning on catching up with everything this week. And no one else as far as I know has asked for the same time off.

        1. Joey*

          Just make sure your work is caught up and be appreciative of the folks who covered your duties while you were out. Beyond that, take the time off.

  114. Anon for this one*

    I just got asked for a second interview (yay!) but am having guilty feelings about leaving my current job. I work in a small office, and though I have several reasons for leaving, feel shady and guilty for pursuing other opportunities. If/when the time comes to turn in a notice, what is the best way? How do you get over this guilt?

    1. Looking for new career*

      Maybe there was a time and place where loyalty to a small company for life was expected, but we haven’t been there for a long time.

      Give them enough notice, tell them you liked working there, and with them, and then do what’s right for you and move on to a new adventure. No need to feel any guilt at all.

      They are grown-ups and should understand, and it’s up to them to find a satisfactory replacement for your position after you leave.

    2. Malissa*

      I don’t know. I’m feeling a bit of that guilt myself now. Last job knew I was leaving months ahead of time and job searching was no big secret. The job before that, I really didn’t feel bad about leaving.

      1. Ali*

        If someone finds the answer to OP’s question, I’d love to know. I feel bad about searching right now because I’ve been with my company almost four years. It’s honestly my first long-term job since graduating college, as I bounced around due to layoffs and bad fits. Everyone always tells me how good my life at my job is and how I should just be lucky and stay put. I know my managers and coworkers have been great to me, and I feel bad that I’m searching but am essentially acting like I still really want to be at my job and carrying on like everything is cool. We’ve had to get rid of two people in a short time span, so I know that when/if I move on, my team will be short another person again. That makes me feel a little bad.

        But at the same time, I still feel comfortable in my decision to be looking and hopefully move on in the next year or two. No amount of “suck it up” or “you’re so fortunate; you have a great job” comments from family and friends who are floored that I’m searching (no, it won’t affect any of them personally) will change my mind. So no, I don’t feel bad about my decision because we have to look out for ourselves. I just feel guilty leaving a place that has given me a promotion and treated me well compared to some of my initial post-college jobs.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Stick to the facts. “Boss, I have been offered an opportunity at another company and I have decided to accept that offer. My last day will be [x].” Then be sure to thank her for the opportunities you have had with this company. If she has been unusually support thank her for that. If you cannot come up with anything specific then just use the general thanks and wait for her to ask questions.

  115. Hummingbird*

    How do I handle a boss who talks over me when I’m trying to talk to a customer?

    My boss and I work closely together and work in a customer service position. Usually between the two of us, I’m the first person who greets the customer and works on the transaction. Sometimes they ask a question I cannot answer and my boss is right there to get the right answer. Sometimes I can’t answer because I do not have the education he does for the job. But most other times I can capable of correctly answering the customer. Since he can hear everything he sometimes steps in and talks right over me, essentially saying the same thing I was saying/ about to say. The customer then thanks him and off they go.

    Why does he do this? How can I approach him and tell him “I got it?”

    1. fposte*

      One possibility is not bothering. Does it hurt the customer or the organization, for instance? Do you think it’s taking him away from stuff in a way that’s hurting him? If not, it may be more of a personal annoyance.

      But you could, during a down moment, check with him to see if there’s a way he’d prefer to be notified if there’s a question you need help with so that he doesn’t have to interrupt his work when you’ve got it in hand.

      1. Hummingbird*

        You’ve missed the point of my question.

        For the majority of times, I am capable of answering questions and interacting with customers. More and more recently he takes it upon himself to interrupt my interaction with the customer, talks right over me as if I’m even there, and the customer learns to listen to him and not me. I feel like an idiot when he does it and it happens at least once a day. It could even be just telling a customer the simplest of things and he has to step in and overtake. He makes me look like a blubbering idiot in front of a customer. The only time it doesn’t happen is when our Spanish-speaking customers come in and then he can’t interrupt because he doesn’t know what’s being said. He just then gets flustered because he’s out of the loop. But then he’ll be back into conversation with the next English-speaking customer.

        So basically, I want to know to tell him to trust me and stop making me look like a dumbass in front of customers. I know I can ask a question if need to but he assumes he has to every time. He does it to my other coworkers to, but I want him to know I can handle it.

        1. PuppyKat*

          Hummingbird, it sounds like you’re really frustrated with this situation. But based on how I’m reading your post, I think fposte gave you some good advice. It might be helpful to step back, take a break, and then re-read it.

          1. Hummingbird*

            Basically I’m saying my boss, unprovoked, interrupts me when I’m working with customers. He hears a question from them and does not give a chance to answer the customer. They are asking me, not him. In my opinion, he makes it appear to the customer that I am incapable of answering questions regarding my own workplace. In actuality, I can but he is automatically right there, doing my job in customer service. Yet I do not get feedback if I’m doing good, bad, etc.

            Yes there are times I do need to ask him questions as this department requires him to have a specific degree but not me. Therefore I am unqualified to answer some questions. But my complaints come from the ones. I am qualified and capable of, but he butts in, not being asked.

    2. Pip*

      Just a quick thought: When there is a question from the customer that you want the boss to answer, does he jump in unasked too, or do you pass the question to him in some way? Because that might be one way of “managing” him – giving him a clear signal when you do need his help.

      Also, I can be kind of like your boss. I love being the one with the answer and can jump in like an over eager puppy in all sorts of conversations. And if your boss genuinely enjoys talking to customers, that can contribute too. So he may very well know that you are perfectly capable of answering, but he can’t help himself because it’s too much fun helping customers.

      If you have a fairly informal report you could frame it like you want in on the fun of being the awesome one with all the answers too.

  116. Jamie*

    I love scrolling through the desk pics at Spiceworks and would love to see the desk of everyone here…don’t ask because I don’ t know why I’m like this.

    So, because I have a strange fascination with other people’s desks what is the weirdest thing on your desk right now, this minute.

    For me it’s a KISS collector card from the 70’s – Ace Frehley in concert (Love Gun era) with signed guitar pick encased in plexiglass.

    1. C average*

      One of those jewelry containers that hangs on the wall, full of various electronics devices, components, and parts. It’s usually hung in a cabinet by my desk, but it’s out because I’m testing stuff today. (I bought it at a yard sale thinking it would be perfect for this purpose, which indeed it is.)

    4. Kelly L.*

      Not on, but under my desk, I currently have a pile of willow branches. (They’re for a decor project. I realized there was a big willow tree at work and it drops branches like whoa.)

    6. CTO*

      A plastic ring with a penguin on it that came on top of a cupcake I ate at my desk in, oh, January.

    7. Tinker*

      I have a Chell action figure with four turret guns and a Halloween chocolate eyeball candy that I snagged from the office candy dish to represent Wheatley. They are my testing mascots.

    9. OriginalYup*

      A child’s party hat on top of a leaning tower of bank transfer paperwork, propped up under the one side by a half-eaten bag of Easter candy.

    11. VintageLydia USA*

      A lovely reproduction Tiffany lamp that otherwise looks entirely out of place. On my other desk is a Sailor Moon tin box with an ocarina in it.

    12. Nerdling*

      I have a trophy that says “Because you bowl like a hockey player,” complete with a hockey guy on it.

      I need to bring back my spider monkey, affectionately nicknamed the “Analysis Monkey,” but my son got a hold of it and decided it was his.

    13. Ann Furthermore*

      An invitation for my bachelorette party, which was about 9 years ago, but my sister made it. On it is a picture of a Godzilla figurine dressed up like a bride. Bride-zilla! It makes me chuckle every time I look at it.

    15. Lore*

      A jar of blood orange jam (sent to me by an aspiring freelancer as a thank-you gift for the opportunity to take our freelancing test) and a Tibetan prayer stone brought back from Tibet by a long-ago coworker. Oh, and a pair of stuffed rabbits (plush, not taxidermy).

    16. shaky bacon*

      A stuffed shaky bacon. It’s proven to be an interesting conversation starter. People will come by, point, and ask, “what’s that?” Then people learn about my love of bacon and I’m now known as that bacon loving HR person who will eat all things bacon.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      Answering this after work, but the weirdest thing is a little Exploding Death Star toy I got from Taco Bell years ago. You press the plunger and the Death Star spins around and opens up and makes sparks. :)

  117. Luxe in Canada*

    I need some wiser heads. I’ve been out of work for the past four months, and I finally see some serious opportunities but I need help navigating.

    I’ve got an interview today for a job that I’d like to do for a couple years, and the pay’s not great but I’ve survived on it before. Buuuuuut my friend just told me her department is hiring. It’s a living wage at 1.5 times the amount I’d make at the first job, so I’d prefer it even though the first job is slightly more fun. Let’s call them fun job and money job.

    My friend thinks it should be easy to get money job, since she can recommend me to them and I definitely am qualified for it. I’m still waiting to hear back from the money job, so I’d like some input on handling a job offer from fun job if they offer it at the end of the interview. If I ask for the weekend to think about it, I worry that they’ll just hire somebody else. I also worry that delaying by the weekend means I’d miss starting on this pay period if I do end up going with fun job, and end up in debt to make May’s rent. Fun job is essentially sales and customer service, so it’s not exactly the norm to be asking for a ton of time to think it over.

    How do I not screw myself over here?

    1. Sadsack*

      The only advice I can offer is that nothing is guaranteed, even if your friend thinks it should be easy to get the job. You have no idea what the money job timeline for hiring will end up dragging out to and what other qualified candidates you will be up against. Not advice at all really, just some things to consider.

    2. A.*

      Nothing is guaranteed. You may have an “in” with Money Job, but the person ultimately making the hiring decision may also have a personal connection with another qualified applicant.

      1. Luxe in Canada*

        Nothing is guaranteed, which is why I’m still interviewing for fun job instead of cancelling. It isn’t even that I want to keep my options open, I also want to see what they have to say as well. As far as having a friend at money job it’s a bonus to have an “in”, but I’m more encouraged by the number of positions available in the department than by having my friend talk to the hiring manager. If it was just one position, I’d be more inclined to accept fun job immediately if it was offered, but they’re hiring around 20 at money job.

        Thanks for taking the time to give me advice. I appreciate having someone else give me perspective.

    3. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

      If you can’t make May’s rent on your own, and you haven’t even heard from money job, the only money you have is a job offer from fun job. You don’t have cushion to wait to accept a job offer.

      I can think of three instances off of the top of my head where someone has accepted and started a job with me only to have a job that they’d been long waiting for finally come through.

      It’s not great to have someone leave after a short time but people have to eat….I suggest you take job 1 and if job 2 turns into anything, see what you want to do then.

      1. Luxe in Canada*

        Aaaaand this is why I asked for wiser heads. These are not the answers I want, but I think they’re the answers I need. Thanks.

  118. Elizabeth*

    Needing an Excel pointer or two ….

    I have a list (14K or so records). There are dates in columns C & G.

    If the date in column C is the same as or earlier than the date in G, I want to keep the record. (Or, alternately, copy it to another tab.)

    If the date in column G is later than the date in G, I want to discard the record. (Or, alternately, not copy it to another tab.)

    Excel’s Help is not being terribly helpful.

    Any suggestions on how to accomplish the filtering? I’ve played around with Advanced Filter on the Data tab, but it isn’t giving me the results I want.

    2. LCL*

      I don’t know how to do advanced things in excel. So I would start by hiding the columns between C & G for easy reading. Then I would look at C & G, and figure out how to sort them. Then I would try using some combination of find/replace.

      I’m sure there are easier ways, if I had to check 14k entries I would do a google search. I have found much more useful help information on google than on MS help. Just type in your question as a “How do I…” and you will find the answer.

    3. Laufey*

      Wait, so is the date in G dependent on each entry, or one set time for the whole dataset?

      If it’s one date for the whole dataset, I would sort the entire set by Column C, earliest to latest and then remove any entries after the set date, but since it looks like the dates change based on row…

      In column H, If would make an if -then statement of
      =if(ValueC>valueG,”keep”,”discard”) //If Date in C is after Date in G, the entry decision is to keep. If Date in C is before or the same as Date in G, entry decision is to discard.

      Then make filter with the filter decision being “keep”. Copy and paste info to where you want it.

        1. Lore*

          Mine was also in moderation because of the link. So it might not have been there when you started!

    4. Dicey*

      Still here on the west coast

      1. Create a blank column in column H.
      2. Highlight it and make it a date format
      3. In H1 type =if(c1<=g1,c1,"")
      Basically you are creating a column with values for rows where c1 is less than or equal and blanks where it isn't.
      4. Filter out blanks from column H

      Disclaimer: There are lots of ways to do things but this will work. If you prefer it on another sheet just do a similar formula in the new sheet referencing the values in the old sheet.

        1. Laufey*

          At least Elizabeth gets confirmation that that’s the easiest and most straightforward way to accomplish this!

  119. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

    IMPORTANT QUESTION:

    Is anybody else really depressed about the end of Stephen Colbert as we know him?

    I am seriously sad!

    I’m supposed to be happy for the real Stephen Colbert but I don’t know him.

    1. H. Rawr*

      I totally agree! I read about it and all I could think is… is he doing that show in character? That could never work, could it? But what else would he do, he’s Stephen Colbert!

    3. Stephanie*

      I’m really sad about it!

      This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think late-night shows are dated and need to end (or need serious revamping). Granted, I wasn’t old enough to see Johnny Carson in his heyday. Just now, you get a lot of topical, sometimes funny, really safe humor. The interviews also all just seem like big PR arrangements where you hear a B-list actor tell a clearly rehearsed anecdote. There’s just better comedy and interviewing done elsewhere. I will say, I do notice the late late night shows (like Craig Ferguson and the old Conan show) poke fun at the genre.

      So it saddens me to hear that Stephen Colbert’s going from his brilliant show to late night. Seems like a waste of comedic talent.

      1. Persephone Mulberry*

        Maybe Colbert will breathe some fresh life into the late-night genre. Either that or he’s going to crash and fail miserably because people will be disappointed that it’s NOT the Colbert Report on a different channel.

        I admit I don’t watch latenight anyway, but I’ve been really impressed with the new Jimmy Fallon sketches I’ve seen people post. I don’t know if that carries over to the rest of the show.

        1. Stephanie*

          I really hope he does breathe some fresh air into the genre. The monologues can be funny and I see funny sketches, I just lose all interest when the celebrity interviews start.

    5. Jamie*

      Yes! I am not a fan of network latenight – celebrity interviews just don’t do it for me and I feel like we’re losing the an American institution with the Colbert Report.

      He’s one of the few celebs I think is probably just such a decent guy in real life and so for that I’m happy he got the nod. It’s a career pinnacle for those who want it – have to be happy when anyone hits the mark.

      But I’ll miss him. And I listen to the soundtrack of the Colbert Christmas Special all year long. In his honor I’ll fire it up on the way home.

  120. kelseywanderer*

    I could use some advice from more experienced readers:

    A non-profit I would really like to work for just re-listed a paid internship position focused on the geographic region I specialize in that would be a great fit for me. I applied for the internship last fall, when it was first listed, but with no luck so I would like to re-apply again with an updated (and much better) cover letter to re-emphasize both my interest in the position and experience in the region.

    The problem is that their application system won’t let me apply to the same position again, so I’m trying to find another way to get their attention. I looked up the department head on LinkedIn and was thinking about reaching out by connecting that way or messaging him directly.

    My question is, would that be weird/annoying/verging on stalkerish? Or is that a good way to get their attention? I don’t have any direct connections with the org or people there, and have applied for several positions there over the past year (all entry-level and all related to the same region, and all without even an interview). Also, I should probably also mention that within a few hours of submitting my first application, someone from the org visited my LinkedIn profile but that was all the contact I had from them; I never heard anything else back regarding that specific position.

    Can anyone give me advice on how to proceed? Thank you so much!

    1. Persephone Mulberry*

      This might be terrible advice, but in this instance I might reach out to the company by phone and explain the difficulty I’m having. Maybe they can go in and manually delete you so that you can reapply?

    2. Jamie*

      I hate inflexible systems like this.

      I don’t know if this is right – but if it were me I’d have no problem with someone contacting me via Linkedin in this instance – because there is a legitimate reason you can’t go through proper channels.

      If you could and were circumventing it, that’s different – but you’re trying to do it correctly and are hitting a wall.

      First, though, I would try reaching out to HR who is likely in charge of the system. Address it as a technical issue and let them direct you on how to apply.

      Good luck.

    3. TL*

      Call HR if they have one. They’re your best bet for navigating the system and maybe deleting your application.

    4. A Jane*

      This is probably really silly, but if it’s an online system, could you apply with a new email address?

  121. OriginalEmma*

    I just finished “The Wheel of Time” series! A chapter (…i’ll see myself out) of my life is now closed. 12 years to read 14 books (>600 pages each). What should I read next?

    AND I’m excited to build my commuter bike for this summer. I just learned how to build up a bike (this is a 90s, men’s, purple Specialized Hardrock with 26″ tires)…and will probably give this one back to the bike collective in favor of building up another Specialized Hardrock from the late 80s in a glorious teal color. :) Thanks for that small discussion on commuting in work clothes from earlier this week – very timely.

  122. j_e_tothedouble_n*

    I don’t know if any of you remember, but I posted last week about having to call off for a job interview out of state? Well, I GOT THE JOB!!!!! Thank you to everyone who gave me advice!

  123. HRnewbie*

    I don’t know if anyone will see this, but I need advice. I’ve been reading this blog for about a year, I graduated last year with an HR degree and I’m so stressed. I’m about to move cities for my boyfriend’s high paying job, and I put in 6 weeks notice at my current job. I’ve been busting my butt with cover letters and resumes for new positions, and today my boyfriend dismissed my work and said “finding a new job isn’t hard, climbing a mountain is”. That upset me and felt like a kick while I was down. How can I explain the awful process of finding a new job in a new city 200 miles away to a person who applied for 1 job and got it? He seems to think that if I just keep applying, I’ll get one. I don’t think he understand that some people spend months, if not years, doing the “right thing” and not getting any job offers.

    1. OriginalEmma*

      For starters, I’d tell him that that’s a really sh*tty thing to say to your partner. Whiskey tango foxtrot, over?!

      Does he have highly desirable skills or work in a profession that offers mobility (e.g., computer programmer, nurse, doctor, etc.)? He might not appreciate that for folks who work in less quantitative/technical fields (I hope you get my meaning; I don’t mean there’s nothing technical about HR but it’s not as clear cut as, I dunno, being a physician’s assistant), it IS harder to find a job.

    2. A Bug!*

      I’m so very sorry. Honestly, it’d make me re-think the move if I were in your position.

      Sit down with him and tell him that you’re happy he got a good job his first try, but that his experience is far from the norm in lots of fields, so he shouldn’t be so quick to judge your efforts. And that if he can’t give you support while you search (which, really, he should), you expect him at the very least to keep his dismissive comments to himself.

      It’s the bare minimum of respect and consideration and if he can’t give you that then he’s showing you something very important about the kind of person he is.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        This.

        Oof. I’d be biting my tongue not to say “finding a new boyfriend is even easier.”

        Finding a new job is one of the most stressful things you can go through. You gave up a stable job to move to be with him, the least he can do is be supportive and considerate.

        If this is very much out of character for him, I’d talk to him about it and let it go. BUT if this is a pattern – I would really think deeply about the relationship and the move. If you’re thinking about marriage (and I hope you are if you’re moving to be with him) – you want someone who will be supportive of you when times are tough. You’re going to go through a lot of really hard times in the course of a relationship – do you want to be with someone who makes you feel even worse?

        Ass.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Right on. I would question the relationship at this point. It could be that was just a thoughtless remark and he is extremely sorry. It could be that he does not understand how what he said is not only unhelpful but also bad for the relationship. But he is willing to learn and repair. Or it could be the guy is a jerk.

          Find out now, before you move.

  124. unemplaylist*

    Hey, fans of Ask a Manager, I am compiling a list of songs about unemployment and the unique experience of looking for a job — the ups and downs, the frustrations, fear, stress, self-doubt, anxiety, anger, hope, determination, and occasional exhilaration. Please add your suggestions or tweet them using the hashtag #unemplaylist.

      1. unemplaylist*

        All right! Another great, positive addition! Thanks! If you want to track the other ideas I am getting, like the Unemplaylist Facebook page.

    2. PuppyKat*

      This isn’t explicitly about unemployment, but I love “Sittin’ On The Dock of the Bay.”

  125. Mimco*

    Just need to vent and have people tell me to suck it up and stop complaining….sympathetically, of course. I supervise 9 food service employees serving meals 7 am to 7 pm 7 days a week in a long-term care facility. There are 4 full time employees and 5 part time. If someone calls off sick and no one is available to come in it falls to me to work the shift. Obviously we can’t not serve the meals or call Mc D’s for carryout? :) I am salaried and everyone else is hourly and no overtime is allowed. There is also no comp. time so if I am supposed to be off a day and get called in and I can’t work in another day off that week, so sorry so sad. This happens usually on Saturday which is the last day of our week so if I get called in I’ve lost my day off. More often I end up working shifts during the week and so I don’t get my other work done and have to come in on the weekend to keep from falling behind. I constantly have to cancel doctor appointments and personal plans because I have to work at the last minute. I am totally frustrated over the lack of control over my time and managements so what attitude. I applied for another job in our facility but was told I was “too hard to replace” in my current position. So, I need an attitude adjustment so that I can roll with the punches and not get so annoyed for being expected to do my job. Suggestions welcome.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Nursing homes seem to be getting worse and worse. The demands are really stretching the robots… er, uh people.

      You may not need an attitude adjustment. You may need a job adjustment.

      The fact that you are too hard to replace should tell management that they have a huge problem. I bet if you asked them to double your pay they would figure out how to replace you before the week was over.

      Under the heading of crap rolls down hill- maybe you can tighten up the schedule a bit by letting your subordinates know they cannot be calling in all the time. Tell management that you need a crew that shows up each day, every day. And go from there.
      It’s a slippery slope. From what I am seeing in my area it is only going to get worse.

  126. PartTime Maybe*

    Would you consider job sites that ask for some type of fee legitimate? FlexJobs says that it “can help you find great flexible job listings from legitimate employers quickly, easily, and safely.” However, you have to pay a monthly or annual fee for the service. Is this a scam?

  127. Therese*

    I have a job interview Monday and I’m not really sure what to expect. The company needs someone to help them organize their office/make them more efficient and stop piece-mealing stuff together…but I have a feeling I’ll be walking into a HUGE mess and not really sure I want that kind of stress/drama/responsibility…

  128. Ruffingit*

    What is everyone reading?

    I’m currently reading Gone Girl. Very, very interesting so far.

    1. Stephanie*

      I’m reading Wheelmen, about the Lance Armstrong doping scandal. Really good so far! I should add, I’m not much of a cycling enthusiast (I like to bike recreationally, but I don’t follow the sport at all), but it gives pretty interesting background about the sport and all the politics involved. It’s very accessible even if you have no clue what a peloton or a domestique is.

      1. Carrie in Scotland*

        Oh Gone Girl and The Silent Wife! <3's

        Also similarly, try a novel called 'The Typist' by Suzanne Rindell.

    3. NOLA*

      I’m reading The Lives of Tao by Wesley Chu. Very funny book about a shlebby IT guy who finds himself hosting a an ancient alien intelligence in his head. And then spy-master training and assorting hijinks ensue.

    4. Laura*

      I am reading Orange is the New Black….I think this is one of the few cases where I actually like the TV adaptation better than the book.

  129. azvlr*

    I just got hired at my dream job! My concern is about juggling this awesome opportunity and my role as my fiance’s sole caregiver. He is permanently disabled. We have managed to fit his care into my work schedule in the past, although there have been times when caring for him has affected my job performance. Before we were together, the organization I worked at was like family. We were all very supportive of each other and if work performance suffered, one of the first questions that was asked is if things are ok at home. After we became engaged, we both relocated so we could be together and I took another job. Except for the support and companionship with my fiance, I spent a miserable, lonely year at that place. I share this because I never found a way to tell my boss or my colleagues about this situation. When my work suffered, they never asked what was going on, and by that time I didn’t want to use my personal life as an excuse for poor performance.
    Now, I am anticipating starting this new job. The culture there seems so much more supportive and as a plus, the office is a five minute walk from my house – literally next door. This is a big relief for us, but I still feel it’s important to tell my new boss what goes on behind the scenes in my life. Once my fiance is set up with food, water, medication, I can go do an 8 hour stint, but sometimes urgent needs crop up unexpectedly. Also, we have a doctor’s appointment the very same week that I start. The doctor only has clinic on one day a week with very limited hours. I am nervous about having having a medical need right when I start. (The doctor’s visit thing will be fairly regular for at least another 6 months. No, we can’t bring in someone else to do his care. It’s too expensive, and also don’t want to risk the consequences of bad/unreliable care.) How can I let new boss know about this situation without seeming like I’m front-loading excuses? Thanks.

    1. Katie the Fed*

      Oh, you should definitely tell him up front. The worst time to bring something like that up is after your performance is suffering. The onus is on you to tell them, not for them to ask if everything is ok. Remember, your employer hired you to do a job, so even if they care about your personal life, their top priority is getting the work done.

      I would bring this up when you’re talking about your work schedule. You can say something like “I just want to let you know that I’m a caregiver for my disabled fiance and there’s a small possibility that from time to time an emergency might crop up. I don’t anticipate it being more than [once a month or however frequent]. If those emergencies crop up, can I stay late to make up the time and work?”

      Or something like that. You want to explain that it won’t be frequent, and that it won’t affect your work.

      You probably should also get in touch with a home nursing organization for emergencies – it’s not going to be good for you or your job to be the only person who can assist him.

      1. Ruffingit*

        You probably should also get in touch with a home nursing organization for emergencies – it’s not going to be good for you or your job to be the only person who can assist him.

        THIS. SO MUCH THIS. You need some backup. I get not being able to afford nursing care in general, but you should find someone who can come in from time to time to help as needed. If more skilled care is necessary, check out a nursing agency as was suggested, but if it’s more along the lines of making sure some things get done (medicine administered correctly, etc.) then consider finding someone on care.com or some other such site who can assist.

        One of the biggest mistakes primary caregivers make is trying to do everything themselves. Sometimes this is because they feel they should, sometimes it’s because the patient refuses to have anyone else do things and so forth. But you need the help and it’s OK to ask for it. Backup plans are always important. Good luck!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Definitely start building your support group. One person cannot give 24/7 care, period.
      I am not sure what the hurdles are, but start rethinking how to handle stuff for the long haul. If you are not able to see yourself still doing X activity ten years from now, then start working on a plan today for help with X activity.

      Frankly, you are going to face this predicament over and over with each job until you build that support group.

    3. azvlr*

      Sorry, I should have been more clear about a couple of things. I am mainly looking for advice on HOW to approach the subject. Katie the Fed, you advice was great. I will be able to work a flexible schedule once on-board training is complete. I am the only one on my team at this location. Everyone else is on the opposite coast or overseas. I haven’t even met my boss in person. She seems super cool though.

      Also, I do have back-up from family for long-term emergencies. It’s just that sometimes little things crop up that may not seem like much to an outsider, but would be bad for him. Training someone with the minutiae of the job and have them available at the drop of the hat seems more trouble than it’s worth. NotSoNewReader, I hadn’t thought about it in terms of the 10 year plan, so I’m going to use that perspective from now on! The more I write and analyze the situation, the better I feel about it. It also helps to know there are folks out there who can help make sense of all of this.

      FWIW, my fiance and I knew each other when we were kids. We only broke up because he moved away. He was injured in a car accident many years ago. We reconnected on Facebook a few years ago and have been enormously happy ever since. I honestly would not be where I am career-wise without his support and encouragement. I hope to have an update for you in a few weeks. Thanks for your help!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am sorry if I jumped too far out from the question. I guess you can tell that I done some long term care, eh? So yeah, a little panic there on my part. I am a big on having a system or a method for things that happen more than once. (The one of a kind events there is really no way to plan for.) So I advocate for trying to find that if at all possible.

        The reason for my emphasis is because I find that over all employers are not extremely sympathetic toward caregivers. Some employers are, of course. But some employers start out sympathetic then over time that wears off and they change their tune. Knowing what I know now, I feel that I would have to prepare for that turnabout. Am glad to hear that this job is a flexible schedule in the near future. That will be a huge help.

        Eye on the future: When my husband took sick, we had an older dog. But the dog was very cool and very willing to help us. I seriously considered training the dog to do simple things my husband could not do, such as picking up items that got dropped on the floor. (The dog had started assisting on his own- for example the dog would come get me if I could not hear my husband calling for me. Very cool dog.) Anyway- this isn’t about the dog. That is just an example. I learned that there are little things that can be put in place but I had to look at things with fresh eyes constantly. The dog’s willingness to help was just an example of one opportunity that I could tap. There were other odd things that I suddenly became aware of that were also helpful things.I feel it is important to work two ends against the middle- talk to the boss and look for creative plans on the home front.

      2. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

        Is there any way you can avoid taking work time for a doctor’s appointment the first week you work?

        I’m a pretty good bell weather for compassion/accommodations as employers go because I think I fall solidly in the middle. Compassionate human being but about business at work. I will work to accommodate established employees with their family needs, but am wary of people who need accommodations very early on. (this could be day care emergencies, personal issues, or a situation such as yours)

        If what you need is an extra hour at lunch but then you will make it up the same day (work an hour extra), that’s not so bad. I likely wouldn’t blink hard if someone came to me and said “Hey, I take care of my disabled partner. I feel awkward asking my first week but may I please take an extra hour for lunch on Wednesday so I can take him to this hard to get doctor’s appointment. I’ll come straight back to the office and work an hour later that same day.”

        I’d think I’d made the wrong hire if someone said, on their first week:

        “Hey, I take care of my disabled partner and I have to take Wednesday afternoon to get him to his doctor’s appointment.”

        You have a lot on your plate, but I didn’t hire you for things to be put on my plate also.

        One more stressor, I know, I’m sorry. But that is truthfully what the middle of the road employers are thinking.

        1. Alison Green* Post author

          Totally agree with this! I would move the appointment a few weeks out if you at all can do that (or hire someone to take him). If absolutely impossible, then the difference in wording that Wakeen’s Teapots points out here is really important. But I would hire someone to take him if at all possible!

    4. Not usually anon*

      I have a slightly similar situation…I’m also primary caregiver for my husband. I had to disclose when my boss (and boss’s boss) both changed recently. He goes through cycles of remission and then needing acute care, plus predictable periodic needs. I scheduled a 15 minute convo with the new boss with only that item on the agenda. I explained the situation as well as the history of the last year (ie the accommodations I needed — I was able to travel as needed for 8 months out of the year, but for two, 2 month stints I needed to be exempt from travel). I kept the phrasing focused on the value I was still able to deliver and steered away from discussing specifics on my husband’s condition. Everything worked out well. Good luck!

      BTW — I feel you on the expense of bringing in someone to help, but I encourage you to try to build a relationship with an agency you could trust for emergencies if necessary. My situ is different because I have no family in the area to sub in a pinch, so I’ve had to rely on occasional respite care

  130. Bobzilla*

    I wonder if anyone’s got any advice about NOT applying for a job. I’ve spent the past year in an extremely low-paying temp job. Recently a colleague in a different department left the company to go travelling. Before she left, she recommended me for her job (a permanent job, higher wages). The job was in a different field, and I wasn’t sure if I had the necessary qualifications but her boss contacted me to let me know when the job would be posted, and strongly encouraged me to apply.

    Somehow, my boss got wind of my intent to apply and called me up to let me know there would be a job opening in my current department within the next two months, and to see if I’d consider applying for that instead. (It’s essentially the exact same work I’m doing now, but on a permanent contract and with more money, so basically the same terms as the other job).

    Since I like my current job – the wages were really the only reason I contemplated leaving – I’ve decided to stay and wait for the permanent job to come out. But I’m unsure what to do regarding job 1 – should I email the manager to explain why I’m not going to apply for a job I previously expressed interest in? My instinct is to send a brief email explaining that I’m pursuing another option instead, but I’m not sure how to word it since my reasoning amounts to: I like the idea of your job, but with all things (pay, contract) being equal, I like mine more.

    I don’t want to lie about why I no longer want to apply, but I feel like if I don’t offer an explanation as to why I’m not applying, I’ll come across as a game-playing jerk. Any thoughts?

    1. Katie the Fed*

      Are you sure you don’t want to apply for both and just see what happens? I wouldn’t risk not applying for one because your current boss wants you to apply for a different one – what if that one doesn’t pan out?

      Isn’t it nice to be so wanted though? :)

      1. Ruffingit*

        Totally agreed. Apply for both. Nice of your current boss to want you to stay, but what if the job doesn’t materialize in two months? You’ve got to go with the knowledge you have now, which is that there is a job open. Do you want that one? If so, apply. If you don’t want that one, don’t apply. But doing a comparison of a job that is on the table and one that has yet to show up isn’t a good idea. Look at the job you know to be real right now and see if it’s something you’d want to do.

        1. Bobzilla*

          You’re right Ruffinit (and Katie). I’m pretty much pinning my hopes on a job that, as yet, doesn’t exist. I just know that if I applied for (and got) job 1, I couldn’t then turn around weeks later and apply for job 2 if it appears.

          And job 2 will appear if I leave, because they’ll need to replace me ASAP- and nobody will take on my (current) job at the rate I’m being paid since the responsibilities have grown so dramatically from when I started.

          Aargh. I’m probably making a really stupid choice, but I know job 2 is the one I actually really want, and it feels wrong for me to apply for job 1 for financial reasons rather than because it’s what I want to do.

          1. Ruffingit*

            You’re not making a stupid choice if you’re going into it with your eyes open. If you’re OK with not applying for job 1 AND job 2 not materializing, then it’s all good. Because despite what it looks like, it’s very possible that job 2 won’t materialize in the time frame or with the benefits you might think it will. If you left, sure they’d have to hire someone, but you haven’t left. And it’s been my experience that employers sometimes won’t bump up an existing person into a job with higher pay or what have you because they think “Why bother? They’re doing the job now for X pay and it’s an employer’s market so….”

            Not saying this is the case for you, just that it does happen. And there are sometimes promises of jobs materializing that don’t. The carrot on a string thing to get you to stay at your current rate so your boss doesn’t have to deal with hiring someone else at a higher rate.

            All, some, or none of this may be true in your situation. Just some of my thoughts from my own experiences. That said, I am not going to say it’s stupid NOT to apply for job 1. End of the day, only you can know what your employment climate is like and what you need. Easy for all of us outside the situation to judge, but you’re the one who has to live it so if you’re OK with it if you don’t apply for job 1, then I say more power to you and good luck with what comes your way in the future! :)

    1. Ruffingit*

      No, never even knew it was an option, but never would have qualified for it anyway. Interesting stuff.

      1. giginyc*

        OK. I’m gonna keep this one in mind for my S.O if I don’t get a job soon. He’s been paying rent and it has been a rough 4 months to say the least!

  132. C Average*

    I’m not in any way saying my situation is an exact parallel to yours; I offer this up only as anecdata.

    Two and a half years ago, I was in exactly the same spot as you. I had a sure-thing job totally within my capabilities that I knew I could just about have for the asking. And I had knowledge of a job that was slated to open in the near future that was a realistic reach for me.

    I applied for the sure-thing job. Then the reach job opened and I applied for it. At that point I told the hiring manager I was applying for the reach job as well. (We had a good relationship, plus the reach job was one it was pretty obvious I’d be interested in.) I was offered the reach job, accepted it, and withdrew my application for the sure-thing job.

    I often wish I’d taken the sure-thing job. The reach job has been really difficult in many ways, and I wonder if I sold myself a little too effectively when I was pursuing this role. Like you with regard to Job 1, I worried that I lacked some of the necessary qualifications, and that my colleagues had more confidence in me than was warranted. I still think this is true. It took me a year to even be able to claim with a straight face that I am competent at this job. Doing work that I can be proud of in this role has been a pretty much constant struggle. I would really like to be in a different role. Sometimes I think the only reason I try so hard at this one is to ensure that I get good ratings and can move into a different role as soon as an opportunity presents itself.

    tl;dr = there are ways to pursue two jobs at once and maintain your professional reputation, and if you’re leery of your ability to do a job that’s a reach . . . sometimes that little voice in your head might be worth heeding.

    1. Ruffingit*

      I hope you’re able to move into a different role soon. Being in a reach role where you don’t feel comfortable with your skills is really hard emotionally. I know it must be very difficult to come to work each day and struggle with doing work you can be proud of. Fingers crossed that a new role presents itself soon.

Comments are closed.