open thread – May 2, 2014

by Alison Green on May 2, 2014

IMG_0204It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on anything you want to talk about. If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet, but this is a chance to talk to other readers.

{ 1,335 comments }

{ 1,335 comments… read them below }

  1. Chinook*

    Ooohh – first comment. Love the picture of Olive. she looks like she is just waiting for someone to ask her advice (maybe on how to properly use a litter box?).

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Olive’s fetching is out of control, y’all. She wants to fetch constantly. Right now she’s sitting at my feet making this weird insistent murmur noise because she wants me to throw the toy mouse she’s brought over (which I’ve already thrown multiple times for her) so she can fetch it some more.

        1. Marcy*

          Try it at 2:00 a.m. on a work night. Mine taught herself how to play fetch and her favorite toy is a bird that makes bird noises. It was really cute at first having her run after it and bring it back to you and drop it in your hand for you to throw again. Running around on the bed for half an hour at 2 a.m. with a noisy toy trying to force the lazy humans to get up and play fetch was not so cute. Ok, it was cute, but I was really tired the next day. We hide the bird toy before bed now.

      2. Anoners*

        Stop trying to make fetch happen! It’s not going to happen! (sorry couldn’t resist).

      3. Esra*

        My cat did that as a kitten. I would get four packs of those golf-sized foam balls and he would want to play fetch for hours. He still wants me to throw the ball, now that he’s older, but is less inclined to bring it back.

        What I love about cat fetch, is a dog will drop a ball at your feet. But if a cat can look and see the ball and you? Then he’s brought you the ball.

      6. nyxalinth*

        Carly did that during her fetch phase. If I tried to ignore it, it went from mrrrping into meering. Loud meering!

      7. KnitWorthy*

        My cat goes nutso over those little disco ball toys, the soft ones with tinsel or something stuck inside. She will play fetch with those foreevveerrr and then try to drown them in her water bowl.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Lucy tries to drown everything in the water bowl! I’m constantly finding toy mice in there. I’ve seen her spot a toy, pick it up in her mouth, walk straight to the water bowl, drop it in, and walk off, utterly calmly. She would be a very efficient and unflappable executioner.

          1. Persephone Mulberry*

            Our older cat never did that, but Sammy LOVES drowning stuff in the water dish.

        2. Chinook*

          Better to drown the cat toy in her water bowl than in the toilet bowl. It took me about a year to remember to keep the lid down because I swear the cat was trying to decide what could float in the house.

          What is really funny is the line up outside the bathroom when someone is in there – the dog is waiting to see if you leave to seat up so he can have a drink and the cat is waiting to see if he can sneak a toy in there (and I say sneak because the one time I caught him in mid-carry he mrrped, dropped the toy and ran).

      8. Windchime*

        Mine doesn’t play fetch as reliably as Olive does, but he has a different toy (a feathery thing on the end of a boingy string) that he wants to play with constantly. If I ignore him, he will stare at me intently making the little meowy sound. If I continue to ignore, he will touch my arm or face with his paw. When I look at him, he races off to the cabinet where the toy is stored. Nothing works to quiet him down except for playing with the toy.

      9. Vicki*

        I love kittehs who play fetch!

        Truffle has a rattle ball she carries in her mouth (less now than when she was a kitten) and still plays Mouse! in the mornings.

      10. Callie*

        My cat Sookie does this except she doesn’t always bring the mouse to me. She’ll fetch it, then fuss at me halfway across the room and the mouse falls out of her mouth, but she comes over to me and fusses at me some more because I am not throwing it. Well, you didn’t bring it back, cat! First rule of Fetch Club. :)

    3. I'm happy to be here*

      Remind me to NEVER click on the “notify me of follow-up comments by email” box on a a Friday open thread again!!

        3. Sam*

          Oh no! I got that warning with the malaria pills too…

          I’m going to look on the positive side…if I get typhoid or malaria i’ll fit into my jeans from college again…??

          (feel better!!)

          1. Kat M*

            My old flatmate when I was living in Malawi once had typhoid and malaria simultaneously and almost died. But either or isn’t usually any worse than a rotten flu unless you’re immunocompromised.

            So says me, who refused to take any prophylaxis the entire time I lived there. I’ll take malaria over paranoia any day. Side effects can be scary.

            1. Sheep*

              That sounds really bad! Luckily I don’t have malaria too! I’m actually on one of the ‘bad’ malaria meds (Lariam)- and I’m starting to wonder if it’s making me a bit depressed..

    3. fposte*

      Good heavens. I’m freaked enough by the fact that there’s mumps around here, since I had a pre-MMR childhood. I should probably call somebody about that.

      1. anon-2*

        And don’t forget measles! The anti-vaccine crowd finally found out what happens if you DON’T vaccinate your kids.

        100+ cases in the United States, over 300 in Canada.

        1. fposte*

          I got a measles vax as a kid because those were available on their own (and I was accidentally vaccinated for German measles several times). The mumps vaccine was just coming out when I was already past the recommended age at that point, and it didn’t get packed into the MMR until I was way outside of the vigilance range.

          I need to find out if our health service offers the MMR–they might.

          1. MaryMary*

            Some providers are bundling MMR boosters with tetanus shots now. Next time you update your tetanus (or poke yourself with a rusty nail), ask if you can get the MMR at the same time.

            1. fposte*

              No, I had the TDaP last year because I hadn’t had a pertussis vaccine either ever or since childhood, and it didn’t come with the MMR. I’ve called the clinic and asked about getting one booked–they’re doing the paperwork.

              Looks like the measles vaccine I had was an earlier version that wouldn’t have been as effective anyway, so an update on that as well is no bad thing either.

        2. Mimmy*

          YES!! It is especially problematic for pregnant women–they can pass the virus onto the fetus, resulting in multiple disabilities and/or health conditions. I am proof of that–thankfully I am on the mild end. I know of people with much more severe issues.

        3. CC*

          Ha, no, I wouldn’t say that. The anti-vaccine true believers will say things like measles isn’t that bad, or “natural immunity” from catching it is better than immunity from a vaccine, or any number of things. And if even a single vaccinated person catches measles (which happens in an outbreak; nothing is 100% effective) then they’ll claim that the vaccine doesn’t work anyway so why bother. I saw many of these arguments in an editorial in the newspaper recently.

          This is far from the first time there’s been a measles outbreak. (There was one when I was in university.) It doesn’t teach anti-vaccine true believers anything.

          1. Laura*

            And the vaccine isn’t 100% effective. But, if you ask me whether I’d rather play the game with the odds the vaccine gives me or the ones no vaccine gives me….

            …yeah, well, we’re all as current on our vaccines as age allows in this house. (And health, but we luckily have no contra-indicating medical conditions or allergies, so.)

        4. Chinook*

          They have actually put out a measles outbreak warnign for this part of Alberta so that adults can get their second MMR shot if they didn’t already and so that those under 6 months can also get immunized (though they will still need their regular ones).

      2. danr*

        You can get a blood test to check for the mumps, measles and rubella antibodies. If you had them as a kid, you should still be immune.

            1. Lora*

              Nope.

              (Disclaimer: one of my clients makes vaccines. For what it’s worth, I have in fact had all of theirs recently, so I obviously believe in the efficacy of their products!)

              1. Golden Yeti*

                I was actually wondering this yesterday. I’ve had the original and a booster back when I was a kid. Are those 2 supposed to last your entire life?

            1. Kerry (Like The County In Ireland)*

              Free vaccinations came with my drug test. I was even told to save my copy of the vaccination certificate because it’s like $200 to get them done and they are good for 10 years.

      1. Sheep*

        Thanks guys! I’m not feeling too bad at the moment, it was worse the first day I had it (last Wednesday, without knowing that it was typhoid). I’ve actually been at work every day this week – with typhoid!

  3. Audiophile*

    First! Maybe?

    Two questions: I have trouble accessing articles from the daily email, I’ve been getting errors lately. Anyone else having this issue?

    Also, is it necessary to respond to a confirmation email about an application? I’ll have another question at some point soon, forgot what I wanted to ask.

    1. New HR*

      What kind of confirmation email?

      If it’s a standard form email letting you know that your submission was successful, no need to respond. These are sent to every candidate to avoid phone calls from frantic job seekers asking if their resume submission worked.

      If there is some kind of call to action (they require further information), or is personalized enough to indicate that this was written specifically for you and was not sent to every candidate, then yes, you should respond.

  4. Stacie*

    Just found out this week that my company is being acquired. After some momentary freak out, I’m trying to figure out how to make it through. Supposedly, nothing is supposed to change (at least in the near term). Any tips for going through an acquisition?

    1. ArtsNerd*

      I’ve never been through it, but I would be ready to talk about your job from a high-level perspective, both in a quick elevator pitch and a bit more in depth. Don’t expect important people to know what you do and how you’re awesome!

    2. Chocolate Teapot*

      I once worked for a company which acquired another, and has since acquired another after I left. What I found was a period of limbo, in which you were aware the acquisition had taken place, but day-to-day work hadn’t changed.

      The other thing I can recall is the whole saga of re-branding and those company-wide emails about “Working stronger together” or words to that effect. (I swear these upbeat messages from different companies, which all start to sound the same after a while, are all written by one person in a shed somewhere).

      2. LBK*

        And they are all equally stupid. I hate them, honestly – how much do you think a cheery email generically sent to every employee is going to improve my morale? Yeah, I’m glad the CEO(‘s assistant) who I’ve never met hopes I’m doing well with the merger.

        Few things set me off on cynical rampages and “We’re all in this together! We’ll make it through the tough times!” emails are one of them. Very annoying.

    3. BCW*

      Start documenting your major achievements and what you mean to your department. Also, be wary of management. This happened to me about a year ago, well the process started anyway. All of a sudden my manager was far more interested in the day to day aspect of what I do and started taking a more “active role” in my duties. Essentially, she was trying to cover herself and in the process make me look expendable. Well, I was laid off, and she got a nice fat promotion, based a lot on things me and my co-worker did that she didn’t even manage well most of the time.

      Also, I’d say start putting out feelers for new jobs. I’m not saying to panic right now, but no immediate changes may be true, but 6 months down the line, who knows.

      1. Anon333*

        I haven’t been through a merger, but I’ve been through a recapitalization, and I second BCW’s advice, and will add to be prepared for a lot of confusion and whipsawing. Rumors may not match or move too fast for official communications.

    4. LMW*

      From what I’ve seen with acquisitions, this is what I’d advise:
      – Take a realistic look at how your function overlaps with the company that’s acquiring you. If you are in sales, engineering, anything that requires a specialized expertise, you are generally considered an asset. If you are in a function like finance, IT, HR, etc., there’s a better chance that long-term they’ll centralize those functions.
      – Make sure you really start reading communications from management. Not just about the merger, but about overall company goals, where they are planning to invest effort or money, etc. If they do quarterly meetings (common in large corporations), you’ll often know where they are planning to focus and you’ll get clues to where they are planning to cut through words like “streamlining,” “centralizing” and “optimizing.”
      – See if there’s a way to get involved in the integration process. It’s a great way to get to know people in the parent company. Sometimes it does mean that you are working yourself out of a job, but if you are visible to the people making decisions, there’s a better chance they’ll find a spot for you. If there isn’t a realistic way you can do this (and a lot of times there isn’t) don’t get frustrated! A lot of times uncertainty and waiting wears people down and the bad attitudes do get noticed.
      Acquisitions can present opportunities for real career growth (my sister got a big career boost from helping convert an acquired company’s accounting system to the parent company’s system). You just have to keep your eyes open.
      If you aren’t already, start saving an emergency fund (they are good to have in any case). On the off chance that they do make cuts, and that you are one of the unlucky ones, you have time to get a cushion in place now, and prep your resume, and work on networking.

    5. Steve*

      It’s not always a bad thing. Keep your eyes open and start putting out feelers, but sometimes being acquired gives you great opportunities to grow.

      I’ve actually been with the same company for almost 20 years – but in that time we’ve been bought and sold 3 times. In essence I’ve worked for four separate companies during that time and have been given chances to advance that I would never have had if it weren’t for the acquisitions.

      Where possible, step up. Be the subject matter expert for your job or for your whole department. Offer to get involved in the transitions teams or functions. Be smart about it and don’t just do it to brown nose, do it to show you’re one of the people that can help the company grow.

      In the back of your mind realize that you might be put on the chopping block and be aware of your other options, but don’t go to work every day with the thought in your head that you’re just waiting for the ax to fall. No one can live that way.

    6. Anlyn*

      I’ve been through several.

      Listen closely to what management says, both your immediate and the corporate higher-ups. As the acquired company, it’s much more likely that the company coming in will keep their own people. BUT, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll let you go. Try to read between the lines…are they vague about your future, or do they have specific plans? Do they understand what it is you do, and why you’re important to the position? Do they throw out buzzwords and “rah-rah company” messages, without talking about the challenges?

      Go through your work history and document everything you’ve done and the contributions you make to your organization. Be prepared to explain what it is you do in a way that is easily understood.

      Watch your organization’s actions. See if they are strengthening their position or offloading work. Keep in mind that organizational reshuffling is normal…it doesn’t mean your job is cut. Sometimes it’s done to better align the position with the new company’s policies and practices.

      Update your resume. Make sure it’s up-to-date and you have references. You don’t have to contact them yet, just know who they are. Look around to see what’s available.

      Above all, don’t panic. You’re just getting prepared. “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.”

    7. krm*

      I went through this just about a year ago. We were assured that nothing was going to change, at least not in the short term. So far, nothing has changed, at least as far as my job functions. The same people are still here, we just have a few more of us, which is actually pretty nice. My biggest difficulty has been adjusting to the new software and more “corporate” culture. I think the most important thing to keep in mind is to be open to the change. It isn’t necessarily going to be bad or good, it is just going to be different. In my case, it has turned out to be a blessing.

    8. I'm happy to be here*

      I’m going something similar but internally. My group had a great manager and an awesome reputation. He got a promotion to another group and his directs were absorbed by our rival group (the “rival” term is me being nice) under a manger that has been down right hostile to us in the past. I’m not looking forward to this!

    9. Mena*

      I successfully survived two acquisitions (read: didn’t get laid off). I think it is important to be open and available, view this as an opportunity (in my case they were both HUGE opportunities for my career), be prepared to demonstrate your value and try to get to know everyone related and interelated with your function. In my case, both companies were not local – every chance I had I showed up at HQ (business trip 50 miles away? stay and extra day at HQ). I not only made friends and contacts, but I was a face to the name with the executive team.

      You may feel that your credibility is well established with your existing employer but you need to do some legwork to get yourself know and respected by the new group.

      Good luck!!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Read up on everything you can find about the acquiring company.

      Understand what prompted the sale of your company.

      If you can, find other acquisitions made by this new parent company and see how those went.

      If you have a reasonable boss check in with her to find out her sense of where things are going.

      I have seen this go different ways. One friend got a big fat check from the outgoing owners. He thought it was a secret severance check. Nope. It was a “thank you”. The new company was fine, except for changing things at the very core. Imagine you go into work and you are told you will speak in Russian all day. Yeah, those type of changes. My friend made it work out for himself.

      Another friend had his company bought up in a manner that was not clear. Everything seemed to be pretty good. Slowly people realized that the parent company was a 24/7/365 operation. Not what they were used to. At all.

      Another friend had his company sold because of the owner’s retirement. This one went very well. He ended up with nicer bosses, better working situation and was respected by the new company.

      I think that it’s never all bad or all good. It’s just different than it was before.

    11. Lora*

      Been through two.

      -Be valuable, and be able to demonstrate your value with numbers.
      -Get on board with the new corporate culture post-haste. Or fake it. One of my current clients has me helping to integrate one of their acquisitions, and they’ve given everyone a couple of years to adjust (big, big merger). Anyone not currently toeing the line on the new owner’s business methods is losing their job as of 4th quarter. These decisions were made at the beginning of this year, so even if folks shape up in July, they’re still going to be shown the door.

    12. Vicki*

      The worst are the companies where they decide that they don;t need multiple people doing the same job and lay off a bunch just before (or after) the acquisition.

      Good luck!!!

  5. cyclingprincess*

    Is it rude to blow my nose at my desk? I share my office with one other person. I’m not obnoxiously loud or anything when I blow my nose, but is that something I should be going to the bathroom for?

    1. Bryan*

      I don’t think so. I share an office with another person and think nothing of when they blow their nose.

    2. Sunflower*

      I think it’s fine- because I have constant allergies and if I went to the bathroom every time I needed it, I’d be there all day. I usually just say ‘sorry, allergies are acting up. Let me know if it bothers you’

    3. CanadianWriter*

      Nose blowing is always obnoxiously loud. You should at least go into the hallway and do it.

      1. ArtsNerd*

        I disagree. Some people sound like fog horns for some reason or another, but a lot of times, blowing your nose is just like a loud exhale. I’ve got PLENTY worse distractions in my office that I’m perfectly able to tune out.

        Different people’s tolerances are different, of course – so it’s up to the coworker to let cyclingprincess know if it’s disruptive.

        1. Mittens*

          Completely agree. If you’re a tooter, sure, please go outside. But most people blow their noses politely.

      2. Sadsack*

        If I did that, I’d never be at my desk. Allergies, already on meds. I try to be discreet.

    5. Felicia*

      As long as you’re not one of those people who is constantly blowing their nose, I think it’s fine! It wouldn’t bother me anyways. And as long as you throw out the kleenex , obviously (though I worked with someone who didn’t!)

    6. KitKat*

      Assuming you’re not working in one of the countries where their culture finds nose blowing rude, I think you’re probably fine.

      And god bless Claritin.

    7. matcha123*

      I would feel it was rude if you left the tissues on your desk and didn’t wash your hands afterwards.

      Other than that, I don’t think it’s all that rude.
      But, I would probably go to the bathroom myself heh :)

    8. BCW*

      I don’t think so. I mean, during cold season, if I was in the hall everytime I had to blow my nose, I’d get no work done

      1. The IT Manager*

        +1 Yep, I rarely have to blow my nose, but when I do it is usually while I have a cold and I will be blowing a lot during the day.

        This is a crazy question to me – just because my desk in a cubical is my personal space. I’m not getting naked in there or anything or curling up under the desk, but I figure that things than can be done in public can be done there. I would try to be conscious if I knew someone nearby was using a a speaker phone or during a meeting, but nose blowing not something I think you have to go to the bathroom for.

    9. danr*

      No, don’t go to the bathroom for it. Your time might be tracked by someone. See #2 in the compilation post below. If there are a lot of tissues just make sure they don’t pile up at your desk. On the plus side, a bad cold with a lot of nose blowing keeps people from bothering you all day.

    10. A.*

      I’d much, much rather you blow your nose than harshly pulling it back into your throat constantly. Not that I’ve ever had to listen to THAT 8 hours a day…

      2. So Very Anonymous*

        Someone in my cube farm does this all day, every day. I’d 1000x rather they’d just blow their nose.

    11. Amy B.*

      I’m in the minority here; but nose blowing is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I prefer if someone step out of earshot to blow their nose. Of course, as A. said, the constant sucking sound is not a pleasant alternative either.

      1. Grey*

        I’m the same way. Don’t even get me started on people who do this at the restaurant table.

        1. Amy B.*

          +1. I try very hard to be a compassionate person; but I will stare down the offender that dares blow their nose in a restaurant.

          1. Shortie*

            What about discreetly wiping the nose at a restaurant? I’m always curious/paranoid whether this bothers people because I have TERRIBLE allergies, and if I excused myself to the restroom every time I needed to wipe my nose, I’d just have to eat my dinner in there. Thanks for your feedback!

            (For what it’s worth, I have a doctor and take steps to rein in the allergies, so they are much better than they used to be, but still terrible.)

            1. Grey*

              If I don’t hear it, it doesn’t bother me. It’s just the sound of snot flying into a tissue that I find a bit unappetizing.

      2. Mallory*

        I think if you’re just wiping your nose, at the desk is fine. But if you’re going to do a big, long, snotty blow, for god’s sake please go somewhere else.

    12. Esra*

      Oh man, I am allergic to the world. I would be in the bathroom constantly if I had to blow my nose there during allergy season.

      But for gross, super bad cold nose-blowing, that should happen in the bathroom.

      1. Mallory*

        Yeah, it depends whether it’s just a little sniffly blow or a big, super-productive snot-fest.

    13. Robin*

      As we can see by the variety of responses here, I think it really depends. The person most impacted by it is your office mate, so why don’t you ask them?

    14. ValleyWriter*

      I think it’s fine to blow your nose at your desk, but PLEASE use hand sanitizer afterward – and keep it visible on your desk. If my officemate was blowing his/her nose and not washing his/her hands (or using sanitizer), I would be thoroughly grossed out–not to mention, at a much higher risk of getting an infection. Even if it’s just allergies, you always have some sort of germs in your nose. They may not always cause you to get sick, but they might infect someone else.

      1. C average*

        PSA for fellow workplace germ-phobes: Don’t use the water cooler.

        I’d never thought about the water cooler as a vector for disease before, but then I read about it somewhere and it totally made sense. During cold/flu season, the office is full of people who are catching, suffering from, or recovering from various things. They’re all bringing their water bottles and cups in and refilling them. Nobody ever washes their personal water bottle or cup–they just refill it. So everyone’s nasty, germy water bottle or cup is getting pressed up against the refill button.

        Since reading about this last year, I always refill from the tap. This year, I’ve caught nothing except for seasonal allergies! There may be no correlation whatsoever between these two things, but I’m convinced refilling from the tap rather than the water cooler has helped keep me healthy this year.

    15. Eden*

      If this is rude, I am the epitome of rudeness. My nose runs constantly, and I can’t fit my desk in the bathroom.

    16. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t think it’s rude. But if you’re someone who is a loud, honking nose-blower, and sound like you stepped on a duck, I’d try to do it elsewhere. Unless you have a cold or allergies. You’d be away from your desk all the time in that case and that’s not feasible.

    17. bellymancer*

      I’ve been wondering this as well. I have allergies pretty much all year long, so I need to blow my nose at least once per day. One of my coworkers comments that it sounds like I’m doing coke at my desk (jokingly), but I wonder if that’s his way of saying he’s bothered by it.

  6. Sunflower*

    Does anyone here live or has lived in Charleston, SC? It’s creeping higher on my list of places to look for work and I have family I can stay with until I get settled down there.

    1. Anonylicious*

      I haven’t lived there, but I have family there and I might can answer some of your questions about SC in general. (I’m from Greenville and went to school in Columbia.)

      1. Sunflower*

        I will admit- I was somewhat intrigued by this town after watching Southern Charm on Bravo- no one on that show works so I know unless I marry one of them, no way I will be them. The town seemed really cute and closer knit yet there also seemed to be a good amount of night life (I’m 25 and single). Also a friend of mine got a teaching job down there but I don’t know much about job prospects there. I’ve only lived in the North east so it would be an adjustment for me but I’ve been turned off by most other beach towns- this seems a little more exciting

        1. Stephanie*

          My dad’s company opened a big office there. The cynic in him said it was so they could take advantage of SC’s strong right-to-work laws (they moved a lot of operations from Washington State).

          1. Anonylicious*

            Yeah, we’re a better state to be an employer than an employee in. Not to derail this into politics.

            We also have fantastic food and weather, though. Which is why I’m sort of eyeing Charleston for a job eventually, myself, because jobs in my field are hard to find in SC. (I moved away for my current job and I’m so homesick.)

      2. TotesMaGoats*

        SC in the house. Lived in Union for 12 years. Family from the Anderson/Seneca/Clemson area.

    2. Stephanie*

      Someone just contacted me about a job there. Looks beautiful from the pictures. I’ll be keeping an eye on this thread.

    3. Lily in NYC*

      I love Charleston, it’s so beautiful and clean. I was debating moving there, spent a summer there, and decided it wasn’t meant to be. It made me realize that I can’t live someplace with such a lack of diversity. I’ve always lived in melting pot areas and after a few months in Charleston it just felt so…”white” (I’m white myself). It also felt kind of segregated if that makes sense. I had the same feeling when my parents lived in NC for a few years and it’s the main reason they moved away.

      1. TL*

        I grew up in a very Latino area (but am white) and I completely get what you’re saying. Places that are lack diversity feel…off.

      2. Anonylicious*

        Really? Like I said, I’m from clear across the state, but I grew up with a significant number of black classmates and neighbors. I thought the lowcountry had a slightly higher percentage of black South Carolinians, but maybe it is more segregated. Or maybe it was just the part of town I grew up in. It wasn’t something I thought about much until I lived in the PNW for a few years. I don’t have an experience of the whole northwest, but where I was at was super-white and it was just weird. Obviously not as weird and/or difficult for me as a white person as it would be for a person of color.

        Anyway, the Upstate’s the best part of the state, anyway. ;)

        1. The IT Manager*

          I grew up in the deep, deep south. When I joined the military I had to attend some kind of EEO training. The woman doing the training asked us if we remembered the first time we saw a back person? Which was a super odd question to me because obviously growing up in the south you will see them in your community from birth. The lady asking could remember beause obviously she had grown up in some super-white place where there was very few POC around.

          1. Anonylicious*

            When I was in AIT there was this one girl from some tiny town in eastern Washington who had seriously never met a black person before joining the Army. It was the weirdest thing.

            1. Windchime*

              I am originally from a tiny town in Eastern Washington and I can attest that this could really be true. I didn’t know any black or Asian people until I went to university in Seattle at the age of 18.

        2. Lily in NYC*

          I meant that it felt socially segregated. I lived in the heart of downtown, so maybe that made a difference. Coming from urban NYC, it was a huge culture shock. I’m used to living in a building with neighbors from 20 different countries and everyone having a rainbow assortment of friends. I now live in one of the most diverse neighborhoods in the US, and it’s a much better fit for me. But I’d love to live somewhere both beautiful and diverse – Hawaii would fit the bill!

        3. Mallory*

          I grew up in a southern town with half black and half white, and no other diversity at all. Then I moved across the state to an area that is about 98% white and it was really weird at first. I kept wondering where all the black people were.

          My husband grew up in southern California. He says that what he really noticed about the south is that people socialize in a more segregated way along socio-economic lines. Since I’ve always lived in the south, I have nothing to compare my experience with, but my husband says there’s an attitude among wealthier southerners that they’re almost “gentry” that he says wealthier southern Californians didn’t have.

      3. The IT Manager*

        Hmmm “segregated,” maybe that was the vibe I was getting when I described it as “blue collar” below. As I said I was in the military so there was diversity in my work place, but there was just a lack something that made Charleston feel less intellectual and progressive – maybe that something was diversity.

        Funny thing prior to that I lived in Colorado and discovered and enjoyed bagels there. I lived overseas and then moved to Charleston and and was disappointed with the lack of bagel places which were all over Colorado cities.

      4. Sunflower*

        I grew up in Philadelphia suburbs and live inside the city now. NYC, Boston and Chicago are at the top of my list because I love the hustle and bustle of big cities but I’ve been traveling to California a lot and thinking ‘man it would be kind of really nice to live near a beach’. I’m not a fan of LA though. I’ve heard it’s not very diverse but it’s hard for me to gauge how much that would matter to me. I’d probably need to spend some extended time down there like you did to get a feel for it.

    4. Liz in a Library*

      I don’t live in Charleston, but I live in Columbia and spend a lot of time there. It’s a great city, and our friends who live there absolutely love it.

    5. The IT Manager*

      I lived in Charleston spcifically North Charleston. I was in the Air Force and worked on Charleston AFB.

      My impression was that it was mostly a blue collar town – more blue collar than Colorado Springs which was the previous American city I lived in. It’s town-like and not city like – without major metropolitan ammenties. Crazy hot and humid during August. Great tourist attractions for when people visit you. Lovely, lovely downtown. Seemingly nice beaches if you like that sort of thing – which I do not so can’t comment about them much. Also big on ocean boating.

      It really just didn’t suit me personally, but I enjoyed living there for the time I did. No major complaints – just not my kind of town.

    6. cuppa*

      I don’t live there but I dated someone there. I don’t think it’s a love – or – hate town, but it’s definitely a really like -or -really don’t like town. It’s a smaller city, a lot of history and culture, and definitely very southern. It is a bit segregated, and there are amenities but not tons of them. It was too much of a culture shock for me and I don’t see myself living there.
      Also, the heat, humidity, and peat smell can be stifling. I had to catch my breath the first time I stepped off of a plane in August.

    7. AAA*

      I grew up there! It’s a lovely and beautiful place to live. If my partner weren’t firmly rooted on the other coast, I might be looking to move back.

      1. AAA*

        …although as others have noted, there is a segregation problem. I always forget about it, and then I am surprised by it every time I go home to visit my family. It is striking if you aren’t used to it. (Not that you should get used to it!)
        I’m also a bit wary to move back there as a gay woman–though they do have a burgeoning LGBT community, it’s not Atlanta.

    8. AAA*

      Also also–if you happen to be in the field of early childhood education, I know someone who is desperate for good people to hire.

    9. kdizzle*

      We lived there for several years (downtown on the peninsula), and love love love it. It truly is the friendliest city, has a great arts scene, and an up and coming restaurant scene.

      If you can get a decent job there, please go for it. I don’t think you’d regret it.

      The reason that we left was because it wasn’t really a hotbed of employment. I’m in government finance, and basically needed my boss to die before getting promoted. After a few months, she started to get suspicious of the gifts of donuts and cigarettes left on her desk.

      2. Christy*

        I lived there too and agree with all this. I would love to live there again, but only if my husband and I both have good, stable jobs. Not exactly a hotbed of employment is right unless you want to work in hospitality. I worked at one of those ghost tour shops for two years.

    11. Piper*

      I do. But please don’t take your cues about my city from Southern Charm! Oy.

      But anyway, it’s a great city and the there is a growing tech scene here and more and more “knowledge” jobs versus blue collar ones. (I work in tech.) That said, the tech scene is young, which can be a good and bad thing. It’s still developing, so all of the jobs that really create a booming knowledge economy don’t exist in large quantities yet, but ones like engineering are all over the place. Engineers can get a 5 job offers in a week, I think. The fact that it’s developing also presents opportunities for people who do work in the lesser represented tech disciplines to really shine and direct things at these companies.

      I haven’t found it to be extremely diverse, but I also live in Mount Pleasant (just over the Ravenel Bridge from downtown – that’s the Ravenel Bridge if you’re a tourist).

      I, too, am from the Northeast and I’ve lived in a few other cities. To me, Charleston is not a big city. If you’re looking for big city life, it doesn’t really exist here. It’s a small city and it’s very vibrant. There’s always a million things going on, the beaches are great, the downtown area is filled with good shops and restaurants, and the you can’t really beat the weather.

      Let me know if you have specific questions.

      3. Sunflower*

        Thanks for the info! I’ll definitely have to check it out and make some visits down soon

    12. Mouse*

      It’s a great place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there. I can totally see the draw; it’s super charming, with amazing history, architecture, and fantastic food. But culturally it’s very insular. There is an “us and them” mentality. Geographically, it’s insular as well, which exacerbates that. Many of the locals have family histories there going back many generations, and I totally understand their pride in that – but outsiders will never be accepted as one of them.

      Now, obviously, there are super nice people everywhere, and you might have no issues. But that is the reputation and my personal experience.

      1. Carmen Sandiego*

        I love Charleston. But I agree that it is insular. Anyone without generations of roots there is considered “from off.” I had relatives who lived there for close to 30 years, and were STILL “from off.”

  7. TheSnarkyB*

    Woohoo!!
    Any word on collapsible comments by the way? I feel kinda bad posting in open threads these days!

    How’d your last job search go?
    I’m trying to get a sense of how bad the job market is these days, so I want to hear about people’s response rates & job applying experiences. If you’re willing, please tell me:

    – Your field
    – Your region (either specifically or like “urban” “rural” etc)
    – Your response rate for apps & how long you searched for your current job or your most current/recent search
    – Your success rate for interviews
    – Your seniority/level or yrs of experience
    – And anything else you think it’s be helpful to know

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Collapsible comments — or a way to distinguish the first comment in a discussion thread from replies — is on our list for a site upgrade that work has just started on. We’re a couple of months out from you seeing anything here, but it’s underway!

      1. Smilingswan*

        It would also be great if we could choose to get follow up e-mails on particular threads as opposed to the entire post. The number of notifications can be rather unwieldy.

    2. Chloe*

      Marketing/Comm/Editorial
      Boston
      3 months hardcore, 2 months passively searching before I moved (I was relocating), just under 70 applications
      -6 in-person interviews (I think, not counting multiple rounds), few other phone screens, 3 meetings w/recruiters in the city
      -3+ years
      -LinkedIn had the best success rate in terms of # of applications and # of responses, but specialty/industry-related job sites were the best to look at for leads in general.

    3. Anonylicious*

      -Defense
      -Major metropolitan area
      -About 1/12 and four months.
      -100% (Didn’t get many, though.)
      -Mid-career
      -Use industry-specific job boards and your network. General boards like Indeed or Monster only ever got me insurance sales spam.

    4. Bryan*

      Fundraising
      Urban (mid-atlantic and midwest)
      5 months, I sent out about 25 apps, didn’t hear back from 3, and I’m pretty sure another 3 were posted by mistake or something because I was rejected super quickly. I had a phone screen or more from the rest
      3 in-person interviews, 2 more pending that I cancelled after I got an offer (had a second offer coming too)
      Slightly above entry-level, 1 year experience

    5. Calla*

      – Admin with most of my experience in healthcare companies/hospitals
      – About 4.5 years of related experience
      – I’m in Boston.

      I’ve been searching probably since the beginning of February but am being very particular. I’ve had 3 interviews since then (1 with a recruiter), but received a few more offers for interviews that I ended up deciding to decline. So in all, I’ve probably applied to ~30 jobs and received 5 or 6 interview offers.

      I’ve actually been targeting a few specific companies, checking their careers section regularly, and applying there. 2 of the 3 interviews I’ve had happened that way. So that definitely works, if you have the time to wait!

    6. Ash (the other one!)*

      – Your field: Education Program/Policy Management
      – Your region (either specifically or like “urban” “rural” etc): D.C.
      – Your response rate for apps & how long you searched for your current job or your most current/recent search: Job searching now for 8 months. Sent out ~50 applications, 8 first interviews, finalist for 5 positions, 0 job offers (ugh!)
      – Your seniority/level or yrs of experience: Ph.D., 10 years working
      – And anything else you think it’s be helpful to know: I made the mistake of becoming too specialized too early which is biting me in the butt when trying to broaden what I’m working on.

    7. AMT*

      – Social work
      – NYC
      – Pretty good response rate — I’d say about a quarter of my applications netted interviews.
      – I started my current job as a forensic social worker 9 months after graduating with my M.S.W. and 5 months after LMSW licensure. My graduating class had job searches of similar length, which is kind of scary.
      – M.S.W. with 1 year of post-B.A./pre-master’s experience, 1.5 semesters of post-master’s university-level ESL teaching, plus relevant jobs/internships while in school. Top-ranked undergrad with lots of awards/fellowships (my supervisor tells me that the second thing was a relevant factor).

      1. I Love Books*

        Forensic social worker? that sounds awesome! where do you work? where can you do that kind of work? (MSW here too!)

        1. AMT*

          I work at a nonprofit legal services organization that contracts with the city to provide public defenders. My job is mostly assessment and written advocacy. When a client comes into the criminal justice system and the attorney feels like there are psychological/social mitigating circumstances of some sort (e.g. mental illness, addiction, homelessness), I come into the picture. I do a psychosocial assessment, then write up a memorandum for the court that basically says, “Okay, he did steal a lot of stuff from the Gap, but he’s been diagnosed with schizophrenia and thought that a few new button-downs would protect him from the FBI. I recommend psychotherapy/med management/whatever in lieu of incarceration.”

          It requires a lot of analytical skills (though not formal diagnosis, I do a lot of “client seems to meet the criteria for…” types of reports) and a lot of writing. I’ll also be doing oral advocacy in court at some point, though that hasn’t happened yet. You have to be really, really comfortable working with offenders of all sorts (including sex offenders and people convicted of violent crimes) and going to correctional facilities. It’s not for everyone, but I love my work and my organization.

          Any other questions, feel free to reply!

          1. AMT*

            Forgot to mention the third component of the jobs: referral and follow-up. I’m the one who actually has to find programs and make sure that clients follow through on their plans to get treatment/housing/whatever.

            There are other types of forensic social work (family court, juvenile, civil) but I don’t know a lot about them. Any public defense organization should be able to give you some info.

            1. I Love Books*

              THANK YOU!!! Sounds like such an awesome job, would it be called forensic social worker when looking for jobs?

              1. AMT*

                Typically, yes. You might also search for “legal” and “social worker” in the same job posting, or look at the career sections on public defense organizations’ web sites.

    8. AnonForThisAndStuff*

      – Your field – HR/Recruiting
      – Your region (either specifically or like “urban” “rural” etc) – Midwest
      – Your response rate for apps & how long you searched for your current job or your most current/recent search – I’ve been sending out feelers for a month or so now. I have had one phone interview, two rejection emails, and haven’t heard from the rest even to confirm that they’ve received my application.
      – Your success rate for interviews – 12% if considering phone, 0% for in-person
      – Your seniority/level or yrs of experience – 5-7 years of experience
      – And anything else you think it’s be helpful to know – the waiting game SUCKS.

    9. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      – Nonprofit program management
      – Twin Cities, MN
      – Mid-level (10 years experience, graduate degree)
      – Four months search. Applied to ~6 jobs. Two interviews, one offer.

      I was obviously picking and choosing my applications. I ended up getting the first job I applied for; it just took 4 months of interviews.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      – Your field
      Clerical
      – Your region (either specifically or like “urban” “rural” etc)
      small city, so I guess urban but not like NYC or anything
      – Your response rate for apps & how long you searched for your current job or your most current/recent search
      I searched for almost a year, but I had trouble because many of the jobs I was looking for had been consolidated with something I couldn’t do. Response rate: about the same as when I was searching in 2005, but there were far less jobs listed
      – Your success rate for interviews
      In ten months of interviews, I got one offer and I wanted to take it, but it didn’t pay enough for me to live on. I would have had like $14 left over at the end of the month.
      – Your seniority/level or yrs of experience
      10-15 years in current field (clerical). Senority–what’s that? LOL!
      – And anything else you think it’s be helpful to know

    11. LMW*

      Editorial/Communications/Marketing
      Major Midwest City
      I started looking in earnest May/June of 2012 (I was a W2 contract employee with a great boss, but no benefits and found out there was no plan to make me permanent. I was looking for something that was an improvement on that situation, which meant there were a lot of jobs in my field that I didn’t apply for. Before May I was very passively looking for about a year, but applied to maybe five jobs). Received a really good offer in early Nov. and started the first Monday in December.
      – Interviewed with six companies. Two offers (turned down one for low pay), withdrew from two processes, one rejection, one disappearing act.
      -10 years experience, two industries (publishing and corporate)
      – After I turned down an offer due to low pay in August (after a series of 5 interviews with that company), I started applying for higher level jobs and I started getting a much better response rate and genuine interest from companies. Between September and October 2012 I had interviews with 5 companies, and I think I would have received another offer if I hadn’t accepted my current job.

      1. CLM*

        LMW, what do you mean by “higher level jobs”? I’m also looking for something in the editorial/marketing/communications area, have about 10 years experience, live in a major Midwestern city, and I keep running into the low pay problem myself.

        1. LMW*

          I started out looking for anything that wasn’t entry level with a real focus on jobs that required 5-7 years experience — mostly because I’d switched industries. Once I started focusing on jobs that said 7-10 years experience or had “manager,” “senior” or higher-level editor titles, I got a much better response rate. Since I’d switched industries, I was really worried that I didn’t have enough communications/marketing experience to meet the requirements (I spent seven years in publishing as an editor).
          When I interviewed for my current position, the hiring manager even mentioned that she thought it might be a bit of a reach, but I pointed out that my variety of experience gave me a unique perspective that was a good match for the position…and I got the job. So, in my case, apparently it was time for me to start reaching.

    12. gotta go anon*

      How’d your last job search go?
      I’m trying to get a sense of how bad the job market is these days, so I want to hear about people’s response rates & job applying experiences. If you’re willing, please tell me:

      – Computer programming
      – Illinois relocating to Tennessee
      – 3 out of 4 companies I submitted to resumes to responded. One apparently fell off the face of the earth and missed the phone interview and I haven’t been able to get ahold of them since. One rejected me after a horrific interview on my part. The other gave me the job offer :-) The whole process took about 6 weeks.
      – One I totally bombed, the other two went fairly well
      – About 5 years of experience, also with a college degree in Comp Sci
      – My field is very much in demand, but more so in certain regions than others.

      1. Onymouse*

        Out of interest, is there a particular tech hub in Tennessee, or were you relocating for other reasons?

        1. AVP*

          According to the NYT, Chattanooga is trying reallyreally hard to become Tennessee’s tech hub.

          1. Stephanie*

            When I was driving from DC to Texas, I took I-81 through western Virginia (runs from Front Royal to Tennesee). The freeway had signs designating it as the “Virginia Technology Corridor.” I wasn’t seeing the tech aspect, but there were some really picturesque farms, complete with red barns, cows, and hills.

    13. vvonderwoman*

      – Health Ed
      – rural CA
      – No clue on the general response rate for apps, but the total job search lasted about 9 weeks total
      – Applied for 7 jobs, got 4-5 interviews, so ~70% interview success rate?
      -3 years experience
      – I work in a niche field of health ed (sexual health). It’s something a lot of people will think is “fun” and that anyone can do–who doesn’t like talking about sex after all? But in reality, it’s actually a field that requires a lot of work to be properly qualified for. So while specializing has reduced the number of jobs I apply to, it’s much easier to be interviewed and be a top candidate more often. I’m sure this applies to other fields as well.

        1. vvonderwoman*

          Honestly, a lot of volunteering and training yourself. I read blogs and went to every free/low-cost training I could get to. Laci Green on YouTube is a good intro. Look for resources on how to develop your use of language. The one question I ask everyone who wants to get into this: Are you interested in learning (and talking) about the kinds of sex you’re not interested in having yourself? Hopefully the answer is yes!

          Despite being niche, it’s a very holistic field. You should be somewhat knowledgeable about/can specialize in many different aspects: medical, politics/rights, violence, pleasure, LGBT/other sexual minorities, social justice/intersectionality, right along with disease prevention and general sex education. Finding organizations that specialize in one or more of these is a good start and volunteering in any capacity (I worked in the finance department of a sexual assault/domestic violence agency my first 6 months there).

          If someone really needs paying work, I generally recommend working in sex shops.

          And if none of that works, I suggest searching for jobs working with high-risk populations (racial/ethnic minorities, LGBT, homeless, young people in the corrections system, etc.), in any capacity and then doing work on your sex ed skills independently. Working with many different types of people from all walks of life is vital to this work. And then you’re better positioned to work with that group in a sex ed context.

          1. TL*

            I love Laci Green!

            I’m not sure if it’s necessarily something I’d want to make a career out of, but it’s definitely something I talk about a lot (and I am the person that all my friends go to for advice/stories/lectures).

            Thanks for the information!

          2. Stephanie*

            If someone really needs paying work, I generally recommend working in sex shops.

            Interesting, why do you say that? I ask because I’m hunting around for all kinds of stop gap work and finding everything swamped.

            1. vvonderwoman*

              It’s the one industry that is always paying (albeit at minimum wage or close to it) but if someone is working at the Gap, and wants to be a sex educator, they should be working at a sex store instead. Get awesome at your job, in terms of selling–know your product. Maybe they’ll let you create/host educational workshops where if you attend you get a 10% discount card on all purchases that night. That’s one hell of an accomplishment. Also, you will get comfortable talking to all sorts of people–young shy/giggly, uptight, gross old men, gay, trans, people with different medical conditions, etc. And that’s a big plus when hiring for a sex educator at another more traditional agency.

      2. anonness*

        Happy to see that health ed worked out for someone! I got an health ed major in college, interned at PP among some other health places, but just couldn’t find a single thing that paid well OR they wanted Spanish. (When I was quoted $12/hr, I was flabbergasted.) This was also around 2011 during the downturn, though.

    14. LV*

      – Librarian
      – Urban
      – Applied to 5 jobs, got called in for interviews by 2 of them, got a job offer for one of them, which I accepted
      – I was very lucky in that I only job-hunted for 3-4 weeks before getting an offer, and I was employed that entire time (I got my offer a few days before my contract was over at my position at the time).
      – I’m pretty much entry-level – graduated with my MLIS in the spring of 2013. I’m in my second full-time job in the field post-graduation.

      1. OhNo*

        Congratulations on the short job search!
        I’m currently in my last school for my MLIS and it’s always nice to hear success stories from the other side of graduation. :)

    15. Tiffany In Houston*

      How’d your last job search go?
      I’m trying to get a sense of how bad the job market is these days, so I want to hear about people’s response rates & job applying experiences. If you’re willing, please tell me:

      – Your field – Accounting/Finance
      – Your region (either specifically or like “urban” “rural” etc) urban
      – Your response rate for apps & how long you searched for your current job or your most current/recent search I have applied for/been submitted for 97 (there are some others I forgot to track) jobs since April 2012. I’ve had 25 interviews and gotten 3 offers. The first one was a contract gig for 6 months that I took in October 2012. The second one was for a indefinite contract that started in April 2013 and I am still here. I got another offer in January 2014 that I turned down (another contract gig, same $ I’m making now).
      – Your success rate for interviews – About 25%, which is not bad.
      – Your seniority/level or yrs of experience – 14 yrs.
      – And anything else you think it’s be helpful to know – I get a lot of calls which I think is great, but a lot more contract and contract to hire type stuff. I really want a perm role and I’ve gotten to the second round on some of the gigs but no cigar. I’m a bit discouraged now, but thankful to be working. For the right job, I still think it’s taking quite a while.

    16. Librarianon*

      Public Library
      Major Metropolitan Area
      – 6 months of job searching with literally zero response (didn’t even get any rejection letters!) until I finally landed one interview and got the job as their first choice.
      – 3 years of experience, but I’m a recent MLIS graduate

      In school the #1 piece of job hunting advice that we got was that in order to get a job promptly after graduation we would either a) have to be willing to move anywhere or b) have to be willing to compromise on the type of job. I didn’t follow either of those pieces of advice, because I absolutely couldn’t relocate (husband’s job) and I wouldn’t compromise on the field (I work in youth services and would not apply to jobs that weren’t working with children/teens, but did apply to non-library positions).

      I was really only able to be this hard-headed because I had enough savings to get me by for a year, and I wasn’t surprised that it took that long to get a job (library school set us up with the expectation that it could often take 6 months to a year to find a job). If I hadn’t had substantial savings, I would have been a lot less picky! I did end up with an amazing job that was exactly what I wanted, so it ended up paying off.

    17. New HR*

      – HR Coordinator for a software company
      – Urban (Calgary, Alberta, Canada)
      – As I was not desperate to leave my last job, I applied strategically and took a long time to seek out roles that would be the right fit. I applied to 5 jobs over 4 months. My current job is the last job that I applied to, but their hiring timeline was faster so the whole process took about 2 weeks. Once I had been hired in this role, I received interview requests from 2 others jobs, and have not heard back at all from the other 2.
      – 1:1 (I didn’t schedule the other 2, as I was very happy with the job that I got)
      – I have been working professionally for 5 years, in HR for 1 1/2
      – I was openly told that the only reason I got an interview was my cover letter (thanks AAM!). I did research on the company and talked about why I wanted to work for them specifically and why I was excited about the role. On paper, I was not the best candidate for the role, but I am pursuing further education, and, as the company is a start up, they value bringing in employees and training them to help them reach their goals (yes, I got very lucky!)

      1. Golden Yeti*

        I’m from the area and looking toward more tech-y type companies, though I don’t have a background in that. Any advice? Thanks!

    18. A Jane*

      Your field: IT Project Management
      Your region (either specifically or like “urban” “rural” etc): NYC
      Your response rate for apps & how long you searched for your current job or your most current/recent search: 3 responses /10 jobs
      Your success rate for interviews: 3 responses /10 jobs
      Your seniority/level or yrs of experience: Manager, 7 years

    19. Sarah*

      -Fundraising
      -Relocated from DC to Denver
      -Response rate approx 1/10, searched for 2 months
      -Had 5 first round interviews, made it to 2 second round interviews, got 1 job offer
      -1.5 years of job experience since graduating college
      – Tips:
      *Don’t be scared of relocation. I really had to steel myself against all the people who told me I’d have to move out here before finding a job or that it would take me over a year.
      *Save. Smart money management will afford you the opportunity to take more risks and do things like fly across the country on a few days notice to interview.
      *Don’t be afraid to aim high. The job I got is a huge step up from what I was doing before. I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to cut it. Been here almost a month and I’m doing great!
      *Numbers matter. Apply to a ton of jobs. Expect to hear back from very few of them.
      *As others mentioned industry specific job boards are the way to go.

    20. Dang*

      – Your field

      Healthcare research

      – Your region (either specifically or like “urban” “rural” etc)
      NYC suburbs

      – Your response rate for apps & how long you searched for your current job or your most current/recent search
      Have been looking since June 2013. Currently temping.

      – Your success rate for interviews
      I’d guess around 20%. I’ve been on 25-30 interviews and gotten most of them are disappearing acts.

      – Your seniority/level or yrs of experience
      5 yrs

      – And anything else you think it’s be helpful to know

      Don’t quit your job before finding something else if you can help it.

    21. CalicoK*

      – Your field: Contracts management
      – Your region (either specifically or like “urban” “rural” etc): Major west coast metro area
      – Your response rate for apps & how long you searched for your current job or your most current/recent search: Searching for a year and a half. Response rate: 1 out of 30
      – Your success rate for interviews: 1 offer out of 3 in-person interviews (I had many more phone interviews)
      – Your seniority/level or yrs of experience: 3 years
      – And anything else you think it’s be helpful to know: My goal was to transition from one industry to an unrelated one as a junior attorney. It was an uphill climb esp in an area saturated with smart people w/tech experience

    22. KnitWorthy*

      I graduated with an MS last August, but won’t include my job searching around that time period. I got hooked up with an internship, and started hunting again a few months later because it is a term position and I wanted to relocate.

      -Entomology/ecology/could argue “environmental sciences” because I have very broad training but never took any policy classes. Was looking in research, government, non-profits, consulting…I guess I was desperate.
      -Midwest, wanted to relocate to 1 particular state. Can do urban or rural.
      -My most recent search started in October, but not too earnestly because I wanted to finish out my year appointment. I applied to 6 places; never heard from 4, heard from 1 after emailing (they weren’t interested), and got an in-person interview with 1
      -100% success rate with my 1 interview…starting next month!
      -went straight to grad school from undergrad, so technically <1 year experience

    23. Eden*

      -Have worked in diverse fields; administrative, graphic art, veterinary, editing, was looking for something vaguely administrative with the possibility of editing/proofreading
      -Moved from FL to NC without a job (I know)
      -Response rate for apps was abysmal until I found this site, I think I got 2 responses out of ~20 applications
      -Response rate post-AAM: virtually every app! Ended up having a total of 3 job offers
      -1 interview pre-AAM, 7 post-AAM
      -N/A on my level
      -I languished on planet unemployed for just over 4 months, which, considering I was CLUELESS about the modern job app scene, is really a win.

      Big epiphany for me: my resume was not “fine.” Also, I had been customizing my cover letters, but this site helped show me how to make them less wordy (my downfall) and more personable. I was definitely in the rut of writing in that zombie corpo-speak style that I learned in the 80s.

    24. mango284*

      -psychological research
      -west coast
      -5 months, over 150 applications (I was REALLY unfocused at first and for the first 2 months was also applying to part-time jobs because I was still in school)
      -14 interviews (not all in my field, some wildly bad fits)
      -new graduate (master’s degree)
      -I had the best response rate from Craigslist but found my current(new!) job through Indeed… I started having better success around month 3-4 when I re-focused my search and revamped my resume/cover letter (thanks to advice from this blog)

    25. Piper*

      Your field: Tech (software development and e-commerce)

      Your region: Coastal Southeast, small city

      Your response rate for apps & how long you searched for your current job or your most current/recent search:
      It took me two months to find my current job, I applied for somewhere between 5 and 10 jobs (a mix of ones I found and ones who recruited me) – I got a response from at least 5 or 6.

      Your success rate for interviews:
      I interviewed for 5 or 6 jobs (can’t remember the exact number), and was offered 4 of them.

      Your seniority/level or yrs of experience:
      11 years, manager

      And anything else you think it’s be helpful to know:
      My experience isn’t typical of most job hunters outside of my field. I work in a growing, booming field, in a high-demand job type. I know I’m fortunate to have had such an easy job hunt.

    26. Vicki*

      I’m still in my “last” (aka current) job search.

      – Your field: Intranet content management & support.
      – Your region : San Francisco Bay Area / Silicon Valley
      – Your response rate for apps : mediocre
      – Your success rate for interviews: low
      – Your seniority/level or yrs of experience: 20+
      – And anything else you think it’s be helpful to know: I’m picky. I know I’m picky. I had a job that worked well for 5+ years; then the job was eliminated. I could say I’k a tech writer but I don;t want to do that anymore. And I REALY don’t want to work in an openplan office.

    27. Tinker*

      Engineer / Software QA

      I live in the Denver metro area, and was looking ideally for a job near downtown, preferably with a startup-ish sort of atmosphere.

      Job search was about three months, though truthfully a lot of it involved lounging and/or plowing through HL2 and Portal >_> I forget how many apps I sent out because once I’m done with applying I don’t think about them unless I hear back, not all that many, maybe 20 or so tops? Four or five phone interviews. The end of it I basically said to myself “look, you need to apply for unemployment so you need five applications, how about… dum dee dee, these five, including these yahoos with the funny name” Next day the yahoos with the funny name basically pounced on me like my cat on a can of beer and bam, hired. In downtown. At a startup. So, 100% hit rate on in-person interviews for this search.

      Turns out there’s an epic shortage of good QA hereabouts, and everyone is getting snapped up. Including all the folks we interview for the two more positions we’ve had open the whole time I’ve been here, which was going on 6 months.

      Far as my qualifications go, at the time I’d been in QA specifically for about two years, with another four or so years of engineering experience mostly having significant software elements, also a MS in electrical engineering. So basically intimidating in a certain sense but a bit nontraditional for what I’m currently working in, although that said I don’t think I know any QAs that don’t have some sort of wacky career path.

      My sense of the field is that folks in my immediate vicinity, which is to say places that are calling for specific technical skills and are in relatively young phases of development (i.e. not the big metal telecom folks who laid me off) aren’t really thinking “recession” anymore, they’re thinking “oh sweet various deities of communication, where are the people we need people to do our stuff sooo bad”, more or less.

    28. Tomato Frog*

      Finally, a use for the job search records I kept!

      – Archives
      – I applied all over the continental US. I was based in a city.
      -I sent out 11 job applications over the course of 3 months. I got 7 rejections, no word from 2, and 2 interviews. For one of those I got the job; for the other I withdrew my candidacy.
      – Entry level (I’d just completed my MLS, but I’d been working in the field for a little over a year before that)

      1. Tomato Frog*

        And I’ll add: I only applied for two jobs in the city I was living in, and didn’t get interviews for either. Both of my interviews were out of state.

    29. anonness*

      – Your field: Health IT
      – Your region: urban CA
      – Response/Search Length: 6 months, had something like 8+ interviews (3 for current job, 4 for second-place, plus a number of phone interviews)
      – Success Rate: very low
      – Experience: 1.5yrs when I was hired
      It’s such a difficult market to break into, but once you get in and certified in major products, you’re set.

  8. Asteria*

    I’m just really excited to be early to this thread today. So tell me – does anybody have any grand plans for the weekend?!

    1. Ayeaye*

      My niece is 18 and I am making her a chocolate and honeycomb truffle cake tonight and then her party is tomorow, I have been summoned to a family gathering on Sunday for a surprise event, and on Monday I’m seeing lots of people for lunch and drinks in the sunshine. What are you doing?

        1. Ayeaye*

          Pop in a search for chocolate honeycomb truffle cake and clandestine cake club and voila. :)

      2. Asteria*

        Oh that sounds delicious! I took the day off today for a bit of an impromptu mental health day (i.e. let’s get my house clean day) and this weekend is full of NHL games, errand running and meeting up with friends.

    2. Felicia*

      Tomorrow night I am going to something called “Fanfiction: The Show”, where they read the worst, weirdest, often most sexually explicit fanfiction from a given fandom and act it out. It’s hilarious and super nerdy. This month is Harry Potter themed, so I will be wearing my shirt that says Muggle

      3. H. Rawr*

        This is fantastic!

        However, even the some really terrible/explicit/terribly explicit HP fanfic I’ve stumbled upon by accident is mortifying to read in the comfort of my own home, imagine what they’ve found by looking for it!

      5. Anna*

        We JUST did something like this at Emerald City Comic Con in Seattle. Dramatic readings of badly written (and sexually explicit) fan fic. It was a HUGE success.

        1. Felicia*

          We do it here (Toronto) every month! If you’re ever in town, you should go:) Has any read the amazingly terrible Harry Potter fanfic where the Hogwarts castle and the giant squid express their love for each other sexually? Rumor is they will be performing that one!

          Ive been going to this show every month for the past 6 months and it just gets more hilarious and wonderfully awful. So far my favourite was at the Buffy show, when they did a fic with Spike and Xander admiring each others’ “throbbing manhoods” :)

          They also read the words exactly as they’re spelled, so you get the added hilarity of the spelling/grammar mistakes.

            1. Felicia*

              Fanfiction the Show is at Black Swan Tavern on the second floor, 154 Danforth Avenue, at Broadview and Danforth. First Saturday of every month. Starts at 8pm, 10$, and does all the nerdy fandoms. You should go! I found out about it by chance , and I’m so glad I did.

                1. Felicia*

                  Well you have High Park, which will soon have Shakespeare in the Park, so that’s cool! It’s not hard to get to Broadview and Danforth from there, just one not very long subway!

          2. brightstar*

            I’ve read the Squidwarts fic! If I remember correctly, it was done as a joke by someone at Fandom Wank. Which was an amazing community (that still exists) during the Harry Potter days.

            My favorite was the “Snapes on a Plane”, about women who believed Severus Snape really existed and that they were married to him on the astral plane.

      7. OhNo*

        I hope to god someone performs the Pikachu/Voldemort fanfic.
        It became something of a legend at the college I attended – one year someone read it as a joke at one of the events during the freshman welcome week. Ever since it has been passed around my school, and let me say that it is truly a marvel of weird depravity.

        1. Felicia*

          I did not know that the Pikachu/Voldemort fic existed, but that is AMAZING! I hope they do that. I imagine it’s sexual? I know there will be some self cest preformed, which involves time travel and have sex with one’s self :) I’m sure there will be some twincest too. I’ll let you guys know! They always choose good (and by good I mean horrible) ones to perform :) The more misspellings, the better!

          1. OhNo*

            It is very sexual. And let me just say that it is incredibly creative about it too.
            I hope you will let us know how it is next week, because this sounds like an awesomely fun event!

      8. Cath in Canada*

        That sounds brilliant!

        There’s a show in Vancouver called “Say What?” that does this for all types of writing, not just fanfic, but fanfic sounds like it would be particularly amenable to this kind of treatment. (I haven’t made it to Say What? yet, but I love their podcast!)

    3. Ash (the other one!)*

      Traveling to my friend’s bridal shower this weekend — haven’t seen her in several months so pretty excited.

    4. Sascha*

      Celebrating my 30th birthday with my best friend – karaoke! I’ve never done karaoke before so I’m really nervous but she assures me it will be a blast (and I’ll be drinking so hopefully that will help?…).

      1. Puddin*

        Helping Mr Puddin with a PowerPoint voice over, visiting my Me-Maw, and then off to Wing Fest 2014.

      3. StaminaTea*

        I’m turning 30 this year too – happy 30th! Hope you have a great birthday.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Homework and two skating lessons and that’s it. :P

      I might begin The Great Purge if I get the homework caught up by Saturday, in which I get rid of massive amounts of junk I’ve been too lazy to throw out so I can paint inside my house. Most of it is going to donations or in the garbage. I don’t really want to bother with a garage sale this year–it’s so much work and I never even break $100. In my neighborhood, all I get is people with handfuls of change. I’ll wait until I decide to move and then sell everything the Purge didn’t eliminate, including furniture.

    6. Midge*

      I’m going to a high school reunion that I am not at all excited about. And this isn’t the reason why I’m dreading it, but it’s a BYO party. Who does that?!

    7. StaminaTea*

      I’m doing my first spring triathlon this weekend!! 0.5 mile swim, 12.4 bike, 3.1 run. And it’s an all-woman event, so that’s cool.

      1. StaminaTea*

        Oops, meant *sprint*, not spring. Though it is spring so I guess that’s appropriate.

    8. TL*

      Going hiking on Sunday! The sun is shining in precisely one state within driving distance, so I’m driving there and going hiking and getting out of my cramped city!

    9. Arjay*

      Celebrating my mommy’s 80th! birthday and going to see the sea lions at the zoo. :)

    10. shaky bacon*

      Off to Vegas for the week! Mostly excited to be escaping the dreary weather here in Canada where winter never seems to end.

    11. nyxalinth*

      No. I’m unfortunately too poor to have a life right now, or so it feels!

      1. Carrie in Scotland*

        I feel your pain nyxalinth. I’m very much like that as well.
        This weekend is a mixture of meeting some work people for lunch, volunteering at the charity shop I work in (specialises in books & music only) and going food shopping….and writing/procrastinating from writing 2000 words by Thursday! (I took Monday & Tuesday off work at least)

    13. Cath in Canada*

      I’m going to get stuck into the two Coursera online courses I started. Yes, two – apparently I did not learn my lesson last time I doubled up. But the ones I’m most interested in always start at the same time!

      (one is for work – I know the subject area well already, but I’m vetting it to see if it’s something we would recommend to others interested in getting into the field. The other is just for fun).

      I’ll also be trying to write but mostly getting distracted by cats, as on most weekends…

    14. Ann Furthermore*

      I’m planning to do a whole lot of nothing tomorrow. Last weekend I did a cooking marathon and loaded up the freezer with 20 meals. At the grocery store by 6:30 Saturday morning, finished the final clean-up at 11:00 Saturday night. So tomorrow I’m just going to relax.

      Sunday I’m heading for Long Beach for a 3 day business trip.

  9. Ayeaye*

    Just an update to last weeks (or the week before? I’ve lost track!) where I was unsure of going for an opportunity due to lots going on – I decided not to go for the job in the end, and once it was decided I haven’t thought of it once since, so clearly the best decision!

    In other news, red shoes + mid-calf length white wedding dress + red flowers = I need to have red in my hair? I can’t find anything red I like, and have three weeks! I’m not bothered and have found a lovely thing to have, but other people seem to feel it’s vitally important… any ideas? I am so bad at wedding planning. I just want to be married.

    1. Dana*

      Could you put a few baby roses in your hair? Not sure what style you’re going for, but I could see a few little ones fitting in nicely for a number of different styles.

      1. Ayeaye*

        I think that’s the best plan so far, although I have found a silver/pearls comb thing that is so lovely. I migh just buy both and see what mood I’m in on the day.

        1. Dana*

          Aw, that sounds so pretty! I’d go with that and not worry about the red in your hair – I don’t think you absolutely need it :)

    2. Chloe*

      Look at Etsy for cute hair clips. I’m assuming that’s what you’re looking for? If you’re asking whether you “need” to have red in your hair, I’d say no, you can mix in a metallic or something else… but up to you.

      1. Ayeaye*

        I’m UK-based so a lot of etsy stuff wouldn’t get here in time unfortunately. And yes, I’m wondering if the red is an “opinion stated as fact” sort of situation, of if I would look a bit odd tottering around in red shoes with no other red bits. I also think the reason I don’t know the answer is because I think I should just do whatever I like, even if that means wearing clown shoes and a crown, but apparently that’s frowned upon.

        1. Observer*

          TOTALLY “Opinion stated as fact”. Either the roses or the pearl thing sound lovely. Do what you want – you’ll be perfectly appropriate either way.

        2. straws*

          I wore purple shoes & zero purple in my hair, so no pressure! I’m sure you’ll be lovely either way!

        3. Carrie in Scotland*

          What about folksy instead, would that be any better? Or something from Monsoon/Accessorize? Do you have any unique independent shops that might have something suitable?

        4. Diamond Lil*

          I got married last year, and wore red boots with a tea-length (think 1950s) white wedding dress – and that was the only red in my ensemble. I wore a gold & amethyst necklace, my earrings were gold, and my headdress was cream & white beads (it was a 1950s piece from my family) holding up a white veil. Oh, and a blue puffy petticoat. It all looked very nice together, kind of Polish/Ukrainian.

    3. fposte*

      It so doesn’t matter, so if you don’t find anything you like, don’t do it. You could look for white, or not put anything in your hair at all.

      (Cute straw hat with red silk scarf? Too informal?)

      1. Ayeaye*

        I’ve found a lovely little thing I do like, so I think I’ll buy that and perhaps something red if I like it enough and decide on the day. I am dreadful at all of this! It’s definitely going to be the most informal/low-key thing, but my family can’t quite grasp I’m not just pretending I don’t want a big old thing. Don’t think I could pull off the straw hat look, although I wish I could!

        1. Ruffingit*

          I am fascinated with the UK fascinators and find it interesting how many people wear rather outrageous ones. Princess Beatrice at the royal wedding for example…

          Anyway, the important thing at any wedding for a bride is that she feel comfortable. If that means you wear white, red, yellow, or whatever other color, flowers in your hair or not, it’s all OK. Really, it is. Wear what you want, be comfortable and many wishes of happiness and joy to you and your spouse!!

    4. CTO*

      Your hair accessory is not vitally important to the act of committing yourself to your partner for life. If it feels important or meaningful to you, do it. If you don’t care, don’t let other people tell you what is or is not “vital” to your wedding. Offbeatbride.com is a great source of moxie to do things your way, not anyone else’s way.

      (And have a wonderful wedding day!)

    5. Aunt Vixen*

      If this is a question, I do not think you *need* to have red in your hair if you don’t want to or can’t find anything that’s perfect. obAAM: Much like a job, you want your accessories on your wedding day to be a great fit! It’s your and your husband’s day. Feel gorgeous. Who the hell cares what anyone else thinks about how you’re dressed.

      signed,
      another three-weeks-from-now bride who just wants it to be over

    6. Asteria*

      I would go for something gold-colored or maybe teal? Do you have an accent color?

    8. SaraV*

      Who/what says you need red in your hair? You said you found a comb you like (which sounds lovely), so I would just go with that.

      Your wedding…not theirs. Don’t acquiesce (sp?) to someone else’s whims.

      (Sorry, stuff like that just unnerves me a tad)

      1. fposte*

        I’d be tempted to put on red deely boppers, but that may not be the look everybody is going for.

      2. Mints*

        Or be extra cheeky and get a little sign or jewelry that says “something red”

        I think I’d be a snarky bride

        1. fposte*

          Or carry a book that you know well, because that’s “something read.”

          Yeah, I think you and I could be each other’s bridesmaids, Mints.

    11. Celeste*

      I don’t think you need it. Will you have red nails or lips? If so, that’s plenty.

    13. Can't Think of a Good Name*

      If you have a different hair accessory you like, you could always do a bold red lip. With a silver or white hair accessory it could add a little vintage flair to your look.

  10. Sunflower*

    Is it possible to have a job where you aren’t always just looking forward to the weekend? I know I need to get out of my job but I’m worried I’ll never find something that doesn’t always have me yelling ‘is it Friday yet’? Example: My friend is happy at her job- she just moved and has a terrible commute now but says she likes her job too much to look for another one. The thing is, she still says every week ‘is it Friday’? I’m not looking to be super fulfilled by anything I do and I’m sure no matter what I’ll be happy to welcome the weekend but I fear the Sunday night dread of work on Monday will never go away. Just need some confidence this isn’t forever?….

    1. Kara Ayako*

      I look forward to Fridays, but I also never have that dreaded feeling on Sunday. I’m going to call that a win.

      You can love your job but still look forward to the break of a weekend.

      1. Lucy*

        I totally agree! I’m really looking forward to a job I love- nothing’s worse than the Sunday night blues :(

      2. A Bug!*

        Same here. I’ve had jobs where I dreaded the first day of the work week and then counted down the seconds to Friday, and they were the jobs that I needed to leave.

        But even in jobs that I enjoy, I look forward to the weekend. Maybe earlier some weeks than others, depending on what’s going on, but looking forward to Friday doesn’t necessarily mean the job’s bad, just that it’s work and it can be exhausting. (It’s trite, but it’s true: That’s why they have to pay you.)

        1. the news from poems*

          “just that it’s work and it can be exhausting. (It’s trite, but it’s true: That’s why they have to pay you.)”
          —-

          I respectfully disagree on this one tiny point. They have to pay you because there’s something awesome about you which allows you to produce the results they desire within the timeframe they desire.

          Are there many, many (too many!) things one has to put up with, or simply accept, in order to get a paycheck?

          Of course, but that’s not why they have to pay you. The specifics vary from job to job and assignment to assignment, but the reason they have to pay you is that you can turn raw materials into something they want (or to put it in the colorful language of a former co-worker: because you can make chicken salad out of chicken sh–).

    2. Ayeaye*

      I had the Sunday (and every other) night dread until my current job, which despite it’s issues I have never woken up and thought “I can’t face work today” in the 5 and a half years I’ve been here – it does happen and goes away when you find the right kind of place – at least it did for me! The other jobs weren’t even terrible, there was just something that wasn’t right for me at those places.

    3. HAnon*

      I still feel like that, even thought I like my new job much better than my old one…I think one thing that helps is throwing my energy into projects at work that I really do enjoy. They are few and far between, since at this point in my career there’s a lot of menial stuff I have to do during the day that I’m not senior enough to delegate, but I try to volunteer for projects that I know will energize me, because those days make it worth it. There are some things I look forward to one day in a job that will make it easier to get through Monday – Friday…like more flexible hours (I have a long commute :p) and working from home sometimes (not an option in my current job). What makes it worth it is 1) the paycheck, but more importantly what I aim to do with that paycheck 2) holding onto the vision of the life that I’m creating for myself and working towards…which makes the delayed gratification worth it. I’ve started accepting some of the less enjoyable things about my current situation, because I know this isn’t forever and it doesn’t do any good to complain about things that you can’t change…I know that I have to make this work for me for a little while, but my work doesn’t own me, and no job is forever…so that perspective helps. I think another thing that’s helped is revising my own expectations and not comparing myself or my progress to anyone else (friends, family etc)…and focusing more on what works for me.
      But I think I definitely relate to the “living for the weekend” mentality…I too hope it won’t always be that way…

    4. BCW*

      I’ve had jobs I really liked that I never dreaded going to work. But I would never say I was looking forward to work either. So having 2 days off is always something to look forward to.

    5. BW*

      I don’t know. I love my job and my job treats the employees simply great., as in, 24 days PTO + 10 days bank holidays per year. 100% health/dental/vision insurance premiums paid by company. 9 to 5 hours in a field that’s rarely 9 to 5 (and they mean it too. I get no work emails outside of normal business hours, none on weekends either)

      But I still find myself looking forward to the weekends and bummed when Sunday night rolls along. And it’s not that I don’t want to work, because after about one week of staying at home I get stir-crazy. Maybe I’m just spoiled.

    6. Kerry*

      I really, really love my job but I still look forward to the weekend! I think you might be reading more into your friend’s comments than is there: “Is it Friday?” is a long way from “always just looking forward to the weekend” (emphasis mine).

      1. Colette*

        It probably depends whether she’s saying it on Friday or Monday. :)

        I like my job, but I still like the weekends – down time is important. And there have certainly been weeks when I wanted it to be the weekend on Monday, but that’s generally because I didn’t get the downtime (or sleep) that I needed that weekend, not because I hate my job.

        (I spelled down time differently in that one paragraph. I feel like Chaucer.)

      2. Jamie*

        When I was miserable at a job it would ruin Sundays for me because my first thought upon waking would be that I had to work the next day. And I’d watch the clock all day with sadness and it counted down my weekend.

        But I like my job and I still look forward to the weekends. I get to spend time with my family, putter around the house, cook and freeze for the week. It doesn’t mean I don’t like work, it just means I like those things, too.

        So tldr I agree with Kerry – being happy it’s Friday doesn’t mean you’re just living for the weekend.

    7. AMT*

      It is absolutely possible. I’m 26, almost a year out of grad school, and I used to think that no one really loved their jobs and that everyone dreaded Mondays. In the interview for my current job, I asked about the company culture, and my 65-year-old interviewer (now my supervisor) said he’d been working there for 35 years and looked forward to coming in every day. I didn’t believe him at the time, but after working there for two months, I love it to death. My coworkers seem happy and energetic, too. I actually look forward to coming in every day. The kicker? I’m a social worker, and my field is rife with job dissatisfaction, low wages, funding cuts, and labor law violations. The fact that I found a job that has none of these is a miracle.

      I don’t know what the lesson is here except that great workplaces do exist, satisfying work does exist, and wonderful supervisors do exist. They’re hard to find, but they’re out there.

    8. Who Are You?*

      Every week, by around Wednesday, I am looking forward to Friday. I don’t think it’s because I dislike my job (I don’t!) but because I know my batteries are getting low and I’m looking forward to the recharge that comes with the two days off.

    9. cuppa*

      I love my job. Seriously. But a lot of times, I can only make it four days out of the week, and Fridays are hard to slog through. I think it’s because I’m worn out by the end of the week, and I don’t dread Mondays too much.
      I guess you could say, I like my job, and I like my weekends!

    10. Observer*

      If your in a line of work that’s appropriate for you, then the Sunday night dread should not be universal. Of course if you are an accountant who hates numbers or another round peg in a square hole, you are going to have a problem wherever you are. But otherwise, just make sure you are in a reasonable work-place.

    11. LV*

      I love love loved my last job – one Saturday, I was shocked to find myself thinking sadly, “Oh, tomorrow’s Sunday – I don’t get to go in to work.”

      But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t always really happy when Friday rolled around and I had 2 days to myself!

    12. LizB*

      I love my job, but after 5 long days of work, I always need a break! Some weeks my feeling is “Yay, now I get to relax for two days,” while other weeks are more “THANK GOD THIS WEEK IS OVER,” but I’m always happy when Friday rolls around. I got the Sunday night dread with my last job (along with the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday night dreads — it was a terrible job), but I don’t get it at all with this job. There are jobs out there that won’t make you hate Sunday evenings!

    13. LAI*

      Absolutely! I had a job for 8 years that I looked forward to going to almost every day, and had to force myself to leave at the end of the day. I did interesting and fulfilling work and had amazing coworkers and the best, most supportive supervisor ever. But there were definitely still days when I said “is it Friday?”, not because I didn’t love my job but because I was exhausted from putting so much effort into it, and I wanted to sleep!

      1. Prickly Pear*

        This! I even would come in when I wasn’t scheduled and hang out (and this was retail!). I remember a time that we had a holiday pitch-in and I left for the day and came back- I still have a picture from that. Definitely wouldn’t do that now.

  11. MTG*

    I’m cranky today. Still job hunting. There’s a completely unstable manager here who makes my life so difficult. I was put in charge of a project that ALMOST fell under her umbrella of work. At first I was left to my devices and was doing great job with it. Then she had a meltdown after I was getting attention for my work, about how I was stepping on her toes and doing her job (I 100% was not) and she literally screamed and cried and stormed out of a meeting that had 5 other employees in it.

    Ever since she has been butting into everything everyone else does. She shoots down all my ideas and then suggests them to higher ups herself. If I mention my ideas to anyone else before her, cc other people on emails, or make suggestions in a meeting, she freaks out about how i need to go to her first with anything. Higher management does nothing. Other executives have had similar experiences with her and have made numerous complaints.

    I found out yesterday that the problem is she was hired for a job that is now obsolete for our operations, so they are trying to find a place to fit her in. After she screamed at me they’ve been sending her to management training.

    I’m just incredibly frustrated because they have this employee who has frequent, totally out of line, bordering on abusive meltdowns, has no actual work to do, offends everyone she works with and refuses to collaborate with anyone, and instead of replacing her with any of the rest of my team who actually could manage our projects, they are wasting resources to try and teach her how to be a functioning adult. I understand that managing is hard and may require some training, but any relatively reasonable person does not need to be sent out state to learn you cannot scream at your subordinates and executives, and literally use the phrase “because i’m in charge” at least ten times a day.

    2. Anoners*

      Ugh. I know it’s hard, but do your best to ignore them as much as you can (in a “you don’t exist to me kind of way”). Ignore all her comments, and only really respond to ones that you absolutely need to (like job related projects and the like). Try not to let anything they say get to you. Hopefully since there are so many issues, your workplace will eventually get rid of them (and plus, you know they are the crazy one, not you).

      1. MTG*

        Yes I am definitely lucky in the sense that the rest of the teams I work with have a great, collaborative rapport, and give me good feedback. Which I think makes her behavior stick out even more. Normally it’s just something to internally snicker at as we go about our days, but this week was just especially rough. Not usually the “living for the weekends” type, but TGIF for sure today.

    3. The Real Ash*

      I would still never give her your ideas first, without letting anyone else know them, simply because you deserve credit for your work. Even if it creates small drama for you from her reactions, I would still never let her steal my thunder like that. You deserve recognition for your work.

    4. AMT*

      This reminded me of The Office.

      ANDY: So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material.

    5. ella*

      Sounds like she is trying to not get fired and desperate to make herself needed, and is employing strategies that are extremely likely to backfire.

      I am often in the “keep quiet and put up with it and let events play out” camp myself, but I have to say, the one time at work that I got so angry at a coworker that I told her, “I have NEVER, in ten years of working in retail, been spoken to by ANYBODY the way you spoke to me earlier, and it is unacceptable, and I will not put up with it,” it a) felt really good and b) she never spoke to me that way again. (Or at all, now that I think about it.) She’s a manager so you’ll have to judge for yourself if you can get away with speaking so frankly. It might just give her more ammunition to try and undermine you with.

    6. Sydney Bristow*

      You might enjoy the book 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. It covers some of the things she is doing like rejecting your ideas then taking them and suggesting them to the higher ups. You might be able to find something in there that could help you.

  12. en pointe*

    So, I understand from the “things that don’t matter in your job search post” (and previous ones) that nobody cares about high school.

    I’m wondering whether that counts if I’m still in college (2nd year), and applying for internships, etc.? Should I include high school stuff or leave it off and focus on things I’m doing now?

    Thanks for any advice!

    1. Sunflower*

      I would include it but don’t include EVERYTHING. If you worked a bunch of different jobs in high school, maybe put only the most recent one from from around when you graduated and leave the ones in your younger years off. You’re more showing that you have work ethic and an initiative to work as opposed to gaining technical skills.

      1. en pointe*

        The one from around when I graduated was as a Hooter’s Girl, which I left off because I know some people find the nature of the restaurant offensive.

        I’m more referring to grades, extra-curriculars etc., so I guess I’m concerned about looking like I think they matter more than they actually do.

        1. fposte*

          Grades, no. Extracurriculars, probably not unless they’re likely to have application to what you’re searching for (if you were a fabulous mathlete or JA bigwig, for instance).

          1. en pointe*

            I was a state champion debater, which I hope demonstrates good communication skills. Although, I realise, not necessarily the right type of communication skills, depending on what they’re looking for.

            If I don’t include grades, would it be okay to stick this with my volunteer work and call the section ‘Other’?

            1. fposte*

              That or Paige’s example below, which is very neat and tidy. I think you’re okay with high school being on there until you graduate from college.

              1. en pointe*

                I’ve done Paige’s example, and I’ll probably cut it down when I get more relevant internships, for length. Thanks Paige and fposte!

    2. Paige Turner*

      I think if you’re still in college it’s a different situation…I’d say (and I’m not a hiring manager or anything FWIW) include at the most three things from high school, and only if they are noteworthy. For example, include a job if you had it for over a year/several summers; include a volunteer activity if you’re still interested in that field and held it for some time; include a major award like National Merit Scholar, Valedictorian, Student of the Year or something; include clubs/extra-curriculars only if you were involved for several years and held an office, are still interested in that area, and if you haven’t used up your three HS activities slots on the above categories. Just my two cents ;)

      1. Paige Turner*

        Example listing on your resume-

        BEVERLY HILLS HIGH SCHOOL 1991-1995
        President of Art Club 1994-1995, VP of Art Club 1993-94

        WORK EXPERIENCE
        Barista, Josh’s Coffee Shop, Berkeley, 1995- present
        Barista, Murray & Dionne’s Cafe, Beverly Hills, 1993-1995
        Volunteer, SPCA of Beverly Hills, 1991-1995

        1. en pointe*

          I like this thanks, it’s short and sweet.

          I don’t think I even need three things, as I was just going to include an academic merit thing and one extracurricular of which I was captain (a debate team that won a lot of stuff). I was just concerned that school stuff and not work experience would look a little naive or something.

          But I like that as a general rule, and I can probably use it for school going forward.

    3. Ash (the other one!)*

      It’s all about relevancy and transferable skills. I still keep one of my internships from college (I’m 7 years out) on my resume as it is directly relevant to my field and shows the diversity of work I’ve done. It gets a much shorter section on the document though.

    4. LV*

      I have some extracurriculars from my undergrad on my resume (I’m still pretty entry-level in my field – finished my MLIS a year ago). I was an exec of my program’s student association for 2 years out of 3(VP Communications and Publicity) and an editor of the student journal.

      I figure they’re relevant because one of my major responsibilities in all my library jobs was advertising services and products to patrons, which is in line with the duties I had as VP C&P, and the editing shows writing/language skills. Although this thread is making me wonder if I should take that stuff out…

    5. en pointe*

      Thanks to everyone who responded :) I feel much much more confident about this now.

  13. BB*

    Anyone have any recommendations for books about twenty-something girls that aren’t so chick-lit like? So many books premise are ‘Brooke is feeling sad and then meets handsome man but there’s a problem! Then they live happily ever after’ I read Girls in White Dresses and loved it. I’m not looking for anything super hard hitting- just looking for stuff with a little more substance.

    2. Ayeaye*

      I’m reading Life After Life by Kate Atkinson which covers a whole range of ages and is amazing, but perhaps not quite what you’re looking for. I’m just in the middle of it and love it so couldn’t resist a recommendation!

      1. Eden*

        I started this one and bogged down. Does it get better then? I adore Kate Atkinson, have read everything she’s ever written, but somehow could not escape the overwhelming sepia tone of the first chapter.

    3. Kara Ayako*

      I read a ton, and there’s very little realistic modern fiction with a young female protagonist that isn’t chick-lit or young adult. If you find some, let me know too!

    4. Random Reader*

      I don’t have any suggestions, but I’ll be interested to see what other people suggest! I’m always looking for new books to read.

    5. Mints*

      Ooh let me plug Tamora Pierce here. Not exactly what you asked, but she writes like sword slinging and wizards plots, but with a modern mentality. There’s like magical birth control, a transgender character, lady knights. It’s still very much in the fantasy genre, but a little less tiring for me. It feels fun, and then I don’t get the like “Ughh” when i think critically about other books. I just read the Beka Cooper series, and I want to reread the Lioness Quartet.

      1. EG*

        I second this author. I’ve had books from her first two series for several years and still re-read them every year or two.

      2. Midge*

        I really enjoyed the Lioness Quartet books as a high schooler. But rereading them as an adult, I realized there was some kinda inappropriate sexual stuff going on with the main character in the first or second book when she’s supposed to be, like, twelve. Still enjoyed the books overall, but I just wanted to point that out.

        1. Mints*

          The ages are a little fuzzy, but I think she’s older than that. Several years pass until the end of the book, and I think she’s about 15 when she does.
          I don’t mean to be nitpicky, but some parents are like “sex? The horrors!” but 15 or 16 is the average age for girls to first have sex, so it’s pretty accurate. I actually really like the way Pierce handles sex in the books, considering it’s a YA genre.

          1. Midge*

            I guess I should have clarified. The fact that there’s sex is not what I objected to. It’s the you-know-you-want-it vibe, particularly with between the main character and older men with some authority/influence over her.

      4. Mephyle*

        As I write this, Jennifer Weiner has been mentioned only once. Let me mention her again. In a way, she writes chicklit, but her work is much broader and deeper, without losing the light tone and readability of classic chicklit.
        The best way I can explain it is that if the main character gets the man at the end, it’s only incidental to the more important things in the book. For example, in In Her Shoes, the main relationships are a troubled woman finding herself, two sisters reconciling, and a woman reunited with her adult granddaughters, all of which is much more wonderful than this dry summary makes it sound. Oops, I may have spoiled it, too.
        Also (and I mean this in a good way), there is always a point near the end of her books where the reader might cry.
        Furthermore, Jennifer Weiner herself is a tireless campaigner for respect for women authors whether they are writing literary fiction or not, in spite of all the nasty feedback that has elicited.

    6. Ask a Manager* Post author

      This isn’t exactly what you described, but it’s in a very close neighborhood. I just read and enjoyed:

      * The Love Song of Jonny Valentine, by Teddy Wayne (the imagined inner life of a pre-teen pop idol — surprisingly poignant and good)
      * Little Known Facts, by Christine Sneed
      * One More Thing, by BJ Novak (darkly brilliant short stories by Ryan from The Office)
      * The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P., by Adelle Waldman

    7. Lucy*

      I loved Jennifer Close’s second book, The Smart One, as well. Have you read the Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing? I LOVED it in high school and recently re-read it. It definitely held up. Americanah by Chimananda Adichie is a commitment, but it’s FANTASTIC- cannot recommend it enough.

      1. BB*

        Yes Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing was awesome! I try to find books through Goodreads or Amazon and looking up books I’ve read to see what they suggest. I also loved the Jessica Darling series which is kind of a cross between YA(also a big fan of them still) and twenty-something but they were all great. I’m flying cross country in a couple weeks so I wanted to get my to-read list up to date!

      2. AVP*

        Yes! To Americanah, and Chimananda Adichie’s first book, Half of a Yellow Sun, even though that one is completely devastating. And The Love Song of Johnny Valentine, mentioned above, which is like the interior dark side of US Weekly.

        If you like those I also think you’ll like:

        – The Art of Fielding, by Chad Harbach. More about boys and baseball, but it’s a perfect depiction of late teens / early 20’s, beautifully written, and has a few really brilliant female characters.

        – On Beauty, Zadie Smith. I didn’t love this but many other women do. She essentially takes on the idea of a snotty New England university town/family. She’s a great writer, but I liked her earlier books better.

        – Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons. Fun book from 1930’s Britain about a young socialite’s comedown in life to living on a rural farm and trying to “fix” the social lives of it’s inhabitants. And shout out to Fposte for reminding me of its existence.

    8. Felicia*

      I like Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. It has murder, and mystery and suspense. The Southern Vampire Mysteries books by Charlaine Harris (the series that the show True Blood was based on) are also amazing, particularly if you like fantasy/magic books, and Sookie Stackhouse is in her 20s.

          1. Mints*

            I definitely liked it! It was just more than I expected. I read a recommendation that said something like “Nick’s wife has just gone missing, and he’s a prime suspect. This book starts out like a murder mystery but a twist halfway through will leave you at the edge of your seat!”
            And then I started it, and some of the early reveals made me feel smug like “Psh I saw that coming” then THE REVEAL. And my jaw literally dropped and I felt like I was having a heart attack. I recommend reading it in a one day marathon. It’s really good though

        2. Littlemoose*

          Yes! I was so engrossed in it that I finished it in a couple of days. And I started telling my boyfriend about it, even though he could not care less. That big left turn in the middle is crazy. I just reread it on vacation, actually.

      2. Annie O*

        Yes, Gillian Flynn is great. I also liked her early work, specifically Sharp Objects.

      3. Kelly L.*

        I’ve been on such a “twisty thriller” kick lately. Ironically, I haven’t read Gone Girl, because I accidentally got spoiled for it, but I liked her Dark Places quite a lot. Also like Laura Lippman, Sophie Hannah, Jennifer McMahon, and probably some others I’m not thinking of.

    9. HAnon*

      I just finished Middlemarch and loved it! The main characters (almost all) are in their 20’s…it’s not a modern read, but it’s one of the most highly ranked novels of all time. I recommend the audio book narrated by Juliet Stevenson.

      1. C average*

        I am attempting Middlemarch right now. My husband and I read aloud to each other (OK, actually more like I read to him) at night, and we usually alternate between classics and more recent books. We’re about 100 pages into Middlemarch, and I’m really not sure we’re going to make it. My husband falls asleep practically the second I start reading.

        And it’s not like we haven’t read some dense stuff in the past. We’ve read The Iliad, The Odyssey, The Aeneid, Moby Dick . . . the whole project began with us lamenting that we didn’t remember whole sections of the classics we read when we were young.

    10. C average*

      Try “Tracks” by Robyn Davidson. It’s about a naive, unprepared, and shamelessly self-deprecating twentysomething woman who treks across the Australian outback by camel. It sounds insane, and it sort of is, but she writes so well and is so willing to laugh at herself that it just works. It’s one of my favorite books ever.

        1. Kerry (Like The County In Ireland)*

          They made it into a movie with Mia Wasilikova–it comes out this summer, I think.

          3. AVP*

            I saw a preview of this movie and LOVED it. I didn’t read the book, and had never heard of the story, but the movie was great. And what beautiful scenery!

      1. Algae*

        Seconding that. They have the best reviews.

        Also, seconding the recommendations for these fantastic books:

        Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café
        The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society – I cry every time. It’s lovely.
        Gone Girl
        A Natural History of Dragons: A Memoir by Lady Trent – I loved this. There’s a second one coming out/out already I need to get.

        And adding:

        To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis – a time-traveling comedy of manners that is brilliant and sparkling.
        Code Name Verity by Elizabeth E. Wein – FANTASTIC. Be prepared.
        The Rosie Project by Grame Simsion – sweet and nice and I gobbled it up.
        Janice Thompson writes Christian Romances about mostly 20-year olds that I felt were better than the usual chick lit or Christian romance genres. I’ve liked all of them.
        For romance, anything by Courtney Milan is great.

    12. CTO*

      Wild by Cheryl Strayed. It’s not fiction, but a very captivating story. While there are definitely some deep and dark moments, the overall tone is one of healing and redemption.

    13. Calla*

      – Imaginary Girls, Nova Ren Suma. One of the main characters is in high school but her sister, the other mc, is older.
      – Gone Girl & Sharp Objects, Gillian Flynn.
      – The Other Typist, Suzanne Rindell.
      – Valley of Amazement, Amy Tan.

      Ones I haven’t read, but really want to:
      – Lives of Girls and Women, Alice Munro.
      – The Door, Magda Szabó.

      I wasn’t a fan of Life After Life but it probably fits into what you’re looking for!

      1. fposte*

        I’m not sure Imaginary Girls is what’s really looked for here, but God, I love Nova Ren Suma. 17 & Gone is heart-rending, too.

        1. Calla*

          I had to include it because I recommend it to EVERYONE! I didn’t quite like 17 & Gone as much but that’s because I hated the ended, otherwise I agree.

    14. Who Are You?*

      Anything by Sarah Addison Allen. She’s kind of quirky, there’s a magical element to them, and they’re funny.

      1. LMW*

        She really reminds me of Alice Hoffman. So if you like one, you might like the other.

    16. anon in tejas*

      Marian Keyes! I love her books, and they are a little more than Chick Lit, but not too deep.

      also see Meg Cabot. Emily Giffin was also a favorite read of mine.

      1. krm*

        Emily Giffin is a favorite of mine as well. Not so much “Something Borrowed”, but I really enjoy her other work.

        1. C average*

          Second the Emily Giffin recommendation. She’s a far better writer than some of the other authors who get crammed into the chick lit category.

    17. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      Americanah! It’s about a woman who comes to the US for college and settles in Princeton for a while before moving home. She blogs about race in America from the perspective of a Black immigrant. Amazing.

    18. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      Ooh, and The Interestings. And Commencement. And more I’m forgetting because I’m in the airport

      1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

        The Marriage Plot! Sharp Objects. If my friend wasn’t using my computer I’d go to Goodyear and post my whole list instead of remembering these piecemeal.

        1. Lucy*

          Victoria, I think we share a reading list :) Americanah was FANTASTIC- it made me cry!! I also love any of Meg Wolitzer’s books.

        2. H. Rawr*

          Ooh, Sharp Objects is on my list! I love Gone Girl, but didn’t love Dark Places, so I’m not sure how I feel going into it!

          1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

            Sharp Objects is my favorite of the three. I also didn’t particularly care for Dark Places.

        3. TL*

          The Marriage Plot! I loved The Marriage Plot.

          And it is the exact opposite of what you don’t want.

          (Also, Jeffrey Eugenides is a pretty cool person.)

          2. Littlemoose*

            Honestly I couldn’t get through The Marriage Plot, but Middlesex is fantastic. Highly recommended.

            1. Windchime*

              I loved Middlesex. I should read that again. Another good book I finished recently was The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt. Don’t read it if you’re looking for something happy and light; it’s dark and has some pretty sad moments, but ultimately I really liked it. It’s one of those books that stays with you.

          1. Jamie*

            Judging by what Facebook thinks of the books I’d like I shouldn’t be in your group.

            When I set up my Facebook account last weekend the books it “suggested I might like” were Goodnight Moon, 2 Dr. Seuss books, and the Little House series. Kind of disconcerting because I do love little house, but I had no activity prior to that point.

            Facebook thinks I have the reading level of a child.

          3. Morgan*

            Yes please!

            Also I second the Code Name Verity recommendation! It is an intense and amazing story of friendship between two women in WW2.

          4. Persephone Mulberry*

            Yes! I love that there’s a book recommendation discussion in almost every open thread, but it’s hard to keep track of them. I might actually use my Goodreads account once in a while if this were a thing.

          6. Windchime*

            I would love this. I’ve been trying to slog through some horrible thing for a week now and I just can’t get in the mood. I need a new book but I’m feeling peevish and unable to commit when I browse Amazon, so I’m going to make a list of the suggestions here.

              1. Stephanie*

                Hmm, informal book club?

                Post work/career-related book selections? (Just going with the website theme.)

                I’m open. I read primarily nonfiction (and have no clue where to start with fiction sometimes), so I’d even just like to see what everyone is reading.

              2. Stephanie*

                Also, if you’re open to it, I’d post a link on the “Connect” page along with the LinkedIn and Facebook groups.

    19. Lily in NYC*

      I would look into the historical fiction genre. Sharon Kay Penman has fantastic books based in the Medieval era and they always have interesting female characters in the age range you mentioned. I like that her books don’t have as much sappy romance as other genre writers like Philippa Gregory (Girl With a Pearl Earring, etc). I also like the author Helen Hollick – her female characters are great and I love that she doesn’t give them modern feminist sensiblities like other authors. My all-time favorite historical fiction writer is Bernard Cornwell, but his protaganist is always male (even thought there are plenty of awesome female characters in his books). But if you don’t like to read about bloody battles with axes and shield walls, you won’t like Cornswell. I love a good axe fight.

    20. LMW*

      I just went to peruse my huge book collection and realized that I actually don’t have many books about twenty-something women, which is weird. I’m not a huge chick lit fan though, or romance. And for a while there it was hard to find anything that wasn’t in those categories.
      Anyway, I’m going old school with some of these (my criteria is a primary character who is a woman in her twenties):
      early Barbara Kingsolver – The Bean Trees.
      Isabelle Allende has a few
      Rebecca
      Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe
      A Thousand Splendid Suns
      The Help
      And I second The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing.

      1. Windchime*

        Ohh, and don’t forget The Secret Life of Bees. It’s a really good one.

    21. H. Rawr*

      A few that I enjoyed to varying degrees, but might give you some variety:

      The Paris Wife (fiction based on Ernest Hemingway’s first wife and their time in Paris)
      The Glass Castle (a memoir that reads like fiction focused more on family life spanning from childhood-30s)
      Wild (another easy to read memoir about a woman’s solo hike up the west coast in her 20s)
      Little Bee (fiction from the point of view of two women, a Nigerian refugee and a British housewife)
      American Wife (another full life type story very loosely inspired by a recent first lady)
      The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society (WWII, more of a cast of characters)
      Never Let Me Go (a not-distant-future type dystopic fiction, but not in the Hunger Games/Divergent vein)
      The Language of Flowers (coming-into-her-own fiction)

    22. The Real Ash*

      There’s always Marion Bradley Zimmer and Octavia Butler, for your fantasy and sci-fi needs.

    23. Sunflower*

      Curtis Sittenfeld is great- I loved the Man of my Dreams. I have all of Catherine McKenzie’s books on my To-Read list- I haven’t read any yet but the books seem a little deeper. Skipping a Beat by Sarah Pekkanen was really good too- about thirty somethings but deals with interesting life issues.

    24. HRNewbie*

      Try Bright Young Things by Scarlett Thomas
      http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bright-Young-Things-Scarlett-Thomas-ebook/dp/B008R9PRK4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1399048256&sr=8-1&keywords=bright+young+things+scarlett+thomas

      Bright Young Things wanted for Big Project.’

      They’re in the prime of their lives but our bright young things are all burnt out. Six sparky twenty-somethings just out of university and working dead-end jobs, they are all bored to tears with their lives and looking for a way out. When a mysterious job is advertised in the newspaper, they all apply. What they least expect is to find themselves prisoners on a deserted island. There’s food in the fridge and they have a bedroom each, but there’s no telephone, no television, and no way to escape.
      About the Author
      Scarlett Thomas is twenty-six and lives in Devon. She is a journalist and writer.

      I bought it because it was cheap and I was tired of the ‘Girl is sad, Girl meets Boy, Girl is Happy’ books and loved it

    25. girlonfire*

      I’d recommend “Me Before You” by Jojo Moyes, or “The Lace Reader” by Brunonia Barry. Both are fairly easy reads, but they also deal with some heavier issues.

      I’d also recommend anything by Rainbow Rowell. “Eleanor & Park” is an amazing book, even though it’s YA and the protagonist is a teen. But “Attachments” and “Fangirl” are both pretty good, too.

      1. girlonfire*

        Ooh, also, books by Jennifer Weiner. They’re chick lit with substance, exactly.

    26. TL*

      Robin McKinley, if you like fantasy.

      A Natural History of Dragons: A Memoir by Lady Trent for historical fiction in an alternative universe (much like London, but with dragons)

      Terry Pratchett’s works – some feature a young female protagonist. Comedic fantasy.

      Megan McCafferty’s Jessica Darling series – they start in high school but they follow her through her early 20s. Fiction, modern-day. They do have a boy-meets-girl element and are chick-lit like, but it’s way more about the development of the main character and doesn’t follow the chit-lit path you’re describing by any means.

      The later Anne of Green Gables books (seriously. They are so, so good!)

      Margaret Atwood, if you like sci-fi that is very much a social critique.

      Anna Karenina, if you want a classic. (depressing but I loved it.)

      The later Shopaholic books my mom likes and they’re focused on what comes after the happily-ever-after, so no boy-meets-girl stuff. Very light and chick-lit-y.

      1. EG*

        Oh, yes, I’d forgotten Robin McKinley. Hers are a nice combination of female heroine with a bit of magic. Always helps me escape into fantasyland where I wish I could do a little magic.

      2. Persephone Mulberry*

        I’m rereading the Anne of Green Gables books right now. Love them, such classics.

      3. karen*

        TL, I clicked on your link a few weeks ago and came across a natural history of dragons. I really liked it. I’m glad this question came up bc I’ve been meaing to post a thank you in the open thread.

    27. A Teacher*

      The Guernsey Literary and Sweet Potato Pie Society (based on a true story in the Guernsey Isles during WW2–funny and sad)

      I’m Down (again based on a true story–hilarious but with some touching moments)

      Breaking Night and The Glass Castle–excellent memoirs that are retold from an adult perspective

      Anything by Kristen Ashley–it is romance but the female characters are kick butt and the books are funny.

    28. StillLAH*

      I’m reading Dark Places by Gillian Flynn (author of Gone Girl). The main character is in her 30s, but it seems realistic enough. Definitely not chick-lit by any stretch.

      I also really enjoyed Transatlantic by Colum McCann which follows the women of one family of Irish descent from the 19th century to the 21st. That’s probably my favorite book I’ve read so far this year.

    29. AAA*

      Margaret Atwood? She’s one of my favorites. The MaddAddam trilogy (Oryx and Crake, Year of the Flood, MaddAddam) has several strong young women in it. And there’s always Handmaid’s Tale.

    31. ella*

      Seconding Fried Green Tomatos. Oh man, I need to re-read that.

      It might be a shade younger than you’re wanting to go, but Seraphina by Rachel Hartman was AMAZING. A young woman (it’s a teen novel, but I’d put the main character in her low twenties) who lives in a city in a world where dragons can sort of….fold themselves up into human shapes (though they can’t pass for human), and also live in the city. There’s tensions between the humans and the dragons. It was the best (and most original) dragon book I’ve read in a long while.

    32. GigglyPuff*

      If want a little fantasy, Mercedes Lackey Valdemar world has some good female characters.

    33. AmyNYC*

      I devoured Girls in White dresses on the beach! Great read! The author (Jennifer Close) has another book too.
      I also love Jennifer Lancaster – nonfiction that feels like a chat with a good friend.

      1. Carrie in Scotland*

        I read Girls in White Dresses recently and loved it!

        Life after Life is wonderful, I love Kate Atkinson, her novel ‘Behind the Scenes at the Museum’ is also excellent. Highly recommend. For those of you who liked Gone Girl, ‘Mother Mother’ by Koren Zailckas would be of similar sort of twisty and ‘The Amber Fury’ by Natalie Haynes who explores the affinity between teenage and ancient Greek angst.

        I would LOVE an AAM goodreads group – I’m always on the lookout for things to read.

    35. Chinook*

      Book recommendations – I say the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon. This one has the added bonus that they are filiming, right now, a series based on it and Diana is involved as a creative advisor and she beleives that the actors who play Clair and Jamie are perfect for it.

      Don’t let the size of the books intimidate you. They don’t feel that long once you are in the middle of it. But, if you want to get your feet wet, try one of her “short” stories in the Lord John series (a spin off character). They are more regular novel length and will give you a taste of what the series is like.

      Be warned though – no one is ever neutral on them – you either become addicted to the books or can’t stand them.

    36. SLD*

      Jen Lancaster – they are memoirs but hysterical, she’s snarky and funny… her first book “Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office” is about how she loses her job and survives, might be good for our first book club reading… :) It’s important to read them in order!

  14. Dana*

    Ooh, I’ve never been to an open thread so early in the game before!

    My question is about my husband – he’s leaving his librarian job in July to move back to our home (he’s working in a different province, so he’ll qualify for unemployment – trust me, we checked! lol). Is it better for him to go out and just get ‘any job’ or take some time and be applying to something a bit more in his field?

    Librarian-related jobs are super hard to come by in our area, but I think we can swing the finances while he’s looking for other work. I just wasn’t sure about leaving a gap on his resume while he’s looking. We have talked about him volunteering (hopefully at a library) during this time, too.

    1. Paige Turner*

      Volunteering sounds smart, and it also might be good to look into free or low-cost classes, workshops, conferences, or other activities to stay involved in the field and as up-to-date as possible. Since you say librarian jobs are really hard to come by, I’d say apply to those jobs, but don’t turn down another type of job if it’s reasonably well-paying and interesting. I have an MA in Anthropology, and I’ve barely been able to find anything that’s even distantly related to my field (no surprise there, really…). Not to be negative, but I’d keep in mind that a decent library job may take a year or more to find, and budget accordingly. Good luck!

    2. Bryan*

      Maybe volunteer, spend a little time looking for jobs he’s super interested in and then branch out to other jobs.

  15. Laufey*

    A coworker of mine is pregnant. We don’t work directly together anymore, but while I was in her unit, she gave me lots of training and advice about our job. She’s still one of go-to people to ask when I have a question.

    Prior to her pregnancy, she enjoyed drinking (not to excess, but a glass or wine or two each night, etc.) and she has joked that her husband’s going to need to bring a bottle of wine to the hospital when the time comes. She has also told me how much she’s looking forward to reading books aloud to her new child. Would it be cute/clever or overreaching to get her a gift of a couple of children’s books and one of those little-one serving bottles of wine? The office will probably throw her a shower, but I didn’t know if a more personalized gift would be appropriate or tacky/not well thought out.

    1. Sunflower*

      I think it would be cute. You seem to be closer than just a person you work next to. You could even attach a cute note to the bottle like ‘For whenever you need this’ to show it’s a light hearted thing. Anyone who takes offense or thinks it’s not appropriate would be ridiculous IMO.

    4. Q T Pie*

      I think it’s totally appropriate. I saw a cute cup at The Paper Store last week…it was a wine glass encased in a plastic tumbler and it said “Mommy’s Sippy Cup”. My wine drinker mom friends all have asked for one for mothers day. :)

  16. Calla*

    OK, what’s the acceptable number of follow-ups for a really long process? I applied to a job that’s been open since 3/11, interviewed 3/20, followed up the first week of April, and never heard back. It’s still showing up as open and that I’m still being considered in their tracking system. Should I follow up again? Take a hint/let it go? I am still pretty interested in this job, but not desperate (since I’m employed and interviewing somewhere else currently) and definitely don’t want to come off that way.

    1. B*

      I would suggest letting it go. It’s possible they never changed their online system to show it closed, the process got tangled up, or some other reason. Best bet is to let it go and be a happy surprise if they get back to you.

      1. Calla*

        Thanks! That’s what I’m inclined to do, but I was wondering if I was making a mistake by doing that.

    2. Lily in NYC*

      Ugh, it is just inexcusable not to get back to someone who has actually interviewed. I understand not contacting everyone who sends a resume, but not contacting someone who has interviewed is just so unprofessional. However, I wouldn’t analyze the tracking system – I don’t bother to update a candidate’s status in them unless they are completely rejected for a job.

      1. Calla*

        I know! Normally that would completely ruin my desire to work somewhere, but I have co-workers who either have worked at the company in the past or left to work there and they rave about how amazing it is, so apparently the HR just isn’t great about response times…

        Yeah, the only reason I consider the status at all is because they did update/close the other job I applied to around the same time. But I’ll just let it go!

    3. LAI*

      I wouldn’t contact them, but I wouldn’t give up yet either. I just got a job offer last week from a job that I had applied for in January!

  17. a regular, anon b/c paranoid*

    So, I’ve recently come to realize that I need to leave my current job. Though it’s a very sad and hard decision, I’ve been finding the resume/cover letter archives extremely helpful! Thanks, Alison – this is such an immense service you’re providing.

    (Wish me luck, guys!)

  18. Ash (the other one!)*

    Fingers crossed, interviewed for another position yesterday. They have a long timeline, though, which is bad because I have a feeling I will be fired (laid off?) in the next month or so…

    No job question today, but here’s a fun one:

    How much is your monthly budget for work clothes. I definitely spent way too much this month updating my wardrobe for spring/summer so I’m curious!

    1. New HR*

      I don’t really have a “monthly” budget, but every season I’ll spend $200-$400 updating my wardrobe (that could be new shoes, new pants, etc.). When it comes to work, I found that investing in quality, timeless pieces (like black trousers, or plain pumps in a neutral colour) that don’t go out of style is worth the extra money as they can last several years. I’ll then keep up with trends by buying far less expensive pieces to pair them with.

      The best thing I ever purchased was a plain black dress that fits me well. I’ve had it for 5 years and can dress it up or down based on the accessories I wear it with.

    2. Bend & Snap*

      Lately, early in the season I tend to spend $500-$1500 over a couple of months. Later in the season I taper off.

      BUT I have an infant and none of my old clothes fit. I don’t normally shop to that degree all at once.

    3. AndersonDarling*

      I used to work in the fashion realm, so I was always spending on new clothes. But now that I am in a regular office, I only pick up a piece now and then.

      I agree with New HR about the basics. I stopped buying the “in fashion” items because they go out of style in a season. No one is going to be wearing draped t-shirts in 5 months (I don’t know who is wearing them to work anyway, but the department stores think I should.)

      I have a great upscale resale shop that I go to a lot. I get pants and blazers in black, grey, or tan. I get bright tops to make things look fresh. Everything can be mixed with everything else. I like the resale shop because everything has already shrunk, so I’m not buying something that won’t be able to wear after I wash it.

      1. Bend & Snap*

        Ha…the department stores also think you should wear a button down unbuttoned half way with hot pants to the office.

      2. Persephone Mulberry*

        This is my strategy, too – neutral bottoms, bright/patterned/interesting tops. And upscale resale FTW.

    4. AMT*

      Oh, God. Don’t get me started. I’ve had put a moratorium on buying myself new work clothes. I probably went through a few hundred bucks a month in the last two months, which is a lot for me. But Banana Republic keeps having saaaaales…

    5. Mints*

      Work clothes–like zero dollars. Only if I ruin something
      Weekend clothes–like $100 / month average probably.

      I just want to buy all the cute summer things, and none are work appropriate

      1. Sunflower*

        Same. I haven’t been buying new work clothes so I’ve just been borrowing my roommates to liven my wardrobe up.

        I’m job searching and am trying to hold off buying anything big or nice until I get a new job. Sticking to mostly all sale items or thrift store since I’m letting my style and fashion go a bit since I’m getting more and more exhausted by my job. Hopefully I can reward myself soon!

      2. Fee*

        I spend virtually nothing at the moment. At OldJob there was no dress code, so I never had a ‘work wardrobe’ per se. When I left I also moved country, so I just brought enough ‘formal’ office wear to get me through interviews and figured I’d buy new gear depending on the workplace. Started NewJob within 3 weeks but as it was a short contract, I just got enough cheap pieces to get me through that period. Still there 18 months later and still reluctant to spend much on work clothes, I guess because ultimately I don’t see myself taking a permanent job in an environment like my current one (not super-corporate but definitely very conservative). Also after the moving process I swore to myself I would live more minimally and I’ve stuck to that to date. My overall wardrobe is probably a fifth, if not less, of what it used to be.

        I just repeated the initial process as it came into summer and rotate the same outfits constantly, depending on season. I’d say my co-workers can practically predict what I’m going to wear every day at this stage but I really don’t care. They say “dress for the job you want” but if I was to do that I think I’d be dressed too casually for my current job! It’s funny though, I’m the only woman on the team, but we had a female manager for about 6 months and I used to privately marvel at how vast her wardrobe must be as she repeated outfits so infrequently that I would actually notice when she wore the same thing twice, like Kate Middleton :) It did kinda make me feel a bit inferior; I really like fashion but you could never tell that in a million years if you only know me through work.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Ehhhh.. I don’t spend much on clothes at all, especially now that I can wear jeans to work. I mostly wear company t-shirts or polos with them. When I updated after the layoff, I went to Walmart and the department store outlet, so overall I probably spent $150 total.

      Recently, I’ve spent more on jackets and coats since I didn’t have any decent ones. Especially now that I ordered a good raincoat both for my UK trip and for the blustery fall weather here. Now I’m on a hunt for good comfy shoes I can walk in that aren’t sneakers.

    7. Lia*

      I recently traded a lot of t-shirts left over from high school (why was I holding on to decade old clothing??) for some very cute dresses and shrugs at a clothing swap. Entry fee was $10, and I got a voucher for every item I donated. (The money and any excess clothing went to a women’s shelter afterward). I highly suggest checking around your area for such a thing, or even organizing one yourself.

  19. B*

    Does anybody have any advice on how to just sit down and just WRITE a cover letter? I just finished my program on Monday and here I am putting off writing cover letters and not applying for jobs that I should be applying for. I get so anxious when I even think about opening up my cover letter/resume document to re-write it and edit it. Any advice on how I can get over this cover letter-induced anxiety??

    2. AMD*

      Write to a friend about why you’re excited about the job and it would be a good fit? You don’t have to send it, but it’ll help you to break out of overly formal language and figure out why you really think you’d be good at the job.

    3. Ash (the other one!)*

      Make a list before you write (like outlining before doing an essay). Brainstorm:

      Why do I want this job? Why do I want to work for this company? Have I engaged with this company in anyway before?

      What skills/experience are they looking for? What can I highlight that matches those skills?

      Do I have any specific circumstances I should mention/explain (e.g. changing fields, gap on resume). What about acknowledging something in the job description (e.g. one job I just applied for is part time and temporary, so I acknowledged that I understood that and was okay with it).

      Then, sit down and use that information in narrative —

      Dear Hiring Manager,

      Enclosed please find my resume for the XX position advertised on your website.

      I am passionate about X, Y, Z. I have long admired your organization for its work on A, B, C.

      etc. etc. etc.

    4. ArtsNerd*

      Things I did to cope with writing anxiety in school:

      -Talk my points into a voice recorder or video camera. Then transcribe them (no thinking! just typing!) Then edit from there.

      -Type on an old-school typewriter – can’t obsessively edit that single sentence over and over. Then transcribe.

      -Close your eyes and just open the document, and start typing content appropriate blather (eyes still closed) just to get the blank document gone.

      -I actually would email a friend with what I wanted to say about the topic, and even send it! (What a good friend) and then copy and paste that into my paper document.

      Really though, at the time I hadn’t realized how much anxiety was affecting my life. Therapy (and antidepressants for a while) have REALLY helped me with this. Just something to think about if you’re truly struggling.

    5. BB*

      It’s helpful to start with the easy parts and work on the hard parts later. That’s how I always wrote papers. The intro and ending were the easiest for me so I wrote the basis of them first. Then things that I knew I could easily talk about I went with. I left the hard parts for last and sometimes would walk away and them come back later.

    6. Colette*

      Give yourself a reward for finishing one (not necessarily sending it out) – maybe it’s watching an episode of your favorite show or turning the internet back on or going to the gym – i.e. something that you would rather do than write the cover letter but that you won’t let yourself do until you have a draft.

    7. AMT*

      I used to teach writing. Sometimes, I’d ask a student, “What are you trying to say?” And they’d give me a very eloquent explanation of what they were trying to put across. It’d usually be better than what they’d written down. Or if they were struggling to start, they’d be, like, “Wait! Let me write that! What did I just say?” So maybe it’d be a good idea to talk to a friend about why you’d be good at the job and have him/her jot down ideas while you talk.

    8. Jamie*

      I used to do this weird thing in that I’d write it as if I was my awesome former boss telling a peer why I’d be a good fit for this job. He was direct and not salesy…so I’d just write in his voice and then change the verbiage to make it first person and make sense.

      My hang up was I was really uncomfortable saying *I* was good at anything when I was newly on the market. Not because I didn’t believe it, but it always felt like bragging so I’d water it down until I was almost self-deprecating. This little trick helped me break that pattern.

      I have a lot of mental gymnastics to get me over my own neurosis.

      1. Eden*

        I agree. I tried to think of things bosses/co-workers have told me I’m good at, so it didn’t feel as much like bragging.

    9. summercamper*

      Try using some speech recognition software and just talking.

      I have a hard time sitting down in front of a computer screen and starting from scratch, but I’m a total blabbermouth. When I was in college and speech recognition software was still super-expensive, my best friend (who happened to have a significant physical disability and couldn’t type) took pity on me and granted me access to her top-of-the-line speech recognition software. Within 30 minutes I had a rough draft of my senior thesis – the difference between talking and typing was just the push I needed to get started. It also gave my writing a more conversational, informal tone – while I later edited it down, I needed to develop a lighter, less stilted writing style and it really helped.

  20. Jasminekam*

    I’ve been job searching for awhile. I received an email from a company I applied for saying they were interested in setting up a phone interview, and asked me to email days and times I am available. I replied almost immediately. That was Tuesday morning, and now it’s Friday and I haven’t heard from them. Is this weird? Should I follow up?

    1. ArtsNerd*

      Not weird- they’re likely collecting this same info from a bunch of candidates, and waiting to get more responses in before they wrangle a calendar together. Also, it’s just been 3 days. That isn’t a lot of time that’s passed in hiring-time. The person managing this is probably working on lots of other projects on top of your phone interview.

      1. Scotto*

        Agreed – as Alison always preaches, don’t follow up too much. If they want you, they’ll call you.

  21. a*

    I am currently at a company where upward mobility is very difficult – most assistants leave after the 3 year mark because there are no positions available.

    I’m currently at about 1.5 years and would love to continue to grow at the company. I recently heard a position may be created soon, which is very exciting. However, there is another assistant who has been at the company for 2.5 years, and I would even admit myself she is more qualified. We get along pretty well, and I would be thrilled (albeit a little jealous) if she was able to get the position.

    My boyfriend (ever the optimist) tells me I should still go for the position because “you never know.” I don’t want to get my hopes up about a job that I am 75% sure I would not end up getting, BUT I don’t want to be seen as less than the ambitious go-getter I really think I am!

    I would love to hear your thoughts and advice about my predicament. Is it worth getting my hopes up in order to appear ambitious?

    1. Kara Ayako*

      You can still apply but be realistic about it. If you interview well, it’ll open yourself up to other positions in the future–that’s a good thing.

    2. BB*

      Talk to your manager and express interest. You never know what the other assistant’s plan is and it’s not your job to decide who is more qualified or deserving of the position- that’s for the hiring manager to decide. The assistant could be looking elsewhere and have no interest. Definitely talk to your manager about the process since sometimes internal applications are different than externally applying

    3. Chocolate Teapot*

      Upward mobility is often difficult for assistants. I once had an argument with my then Boss about it.

      The thing that stands out here is if the position does materialise. From experience, there might be talk of setting up this new position, then for whatever reason, it doesn’t happen. Or that the intention is to bring in an external candidate and internal ones are not considered. Not that I am trying to shovel on the pessimism, but it’s worth being aware of.

      1. a*

        Yep, I’m completely aware it might never happen! I do know that they prefer to hire internally if this ever comes to fruition.

    4. Beti*

      Absolutely apply. The other person might have more experience but for any number of reasons you might be a better fit for the position. Management might assume you are going to leave at the three year mark like so many others and not consider of you for anything unless you show them otherwise. Good luck!

  22. BCW*

    About 2 months ago I started at a new company. Before I started, I wasn’t aware that your insurance doesn’t kick in for 90 days. Is there any way at this point (its been about 60 days) that I could convince my manager to let me get it started early. I don’t have any real NEED right now, but I just don’t like being without insurance. My company is very small, and we don’t even have an HR department, so I feel like it would be a fairly easy thing to do, but I don’t want to look bad asking. Any thoughts?

    1. KitKat*

      There might not be anything you can do. Many companies have a 90 day probationary period. Kind of a “okay, you’re actually cut out for this, here are the benefits” thing. I mean, it couldn’t hurt to talk to your boss about it, but don’t be surprised if he says no.

    2. Kasia*

      I’m pretty sure the insurance company wouldn’t let you anyways. Most don’t have open enrollment all the time, so you have to wait until the probationary period is up. It might not even be up to your boss.

    3. HAnon*

      You might be able to get it pushed up. My company’s normal policy is 90 days, but I was able to get it in 30…doesn’t hurt to ask. In the meantime, BCBS offers (not sure if this was affected by ACA or not) temporary/transitional plans that are specifically to cover you during life changes like this. I think mine was around $3/day or something like that…worth looking into. I think you have to pay upfront for however many days of coverage you need, and it cannot be more than 6 months. It didn’t pay squat towards ordinary visits or pharmacy, but would have covered a trip to the ER, which is what you really need…

    4. CTO*

      In my area, temporary insurance plans (30-90 days) are really inexpensive. The coverage isn’t always awesome, but at least you’re covered in case of an emergency during a gap.

    5. Annie O*

      Another option is individual short-term health insurance. Depending on need and budget, catastrophic may be a good option. Just in case.

    6. Jamie*

      With us it’s our deal with the insurance company, not something we could waive. 90 days until benefits kick in is really common.

    7. MaryMary*

      The waiting period for health insurance is set by the plan. Some employers will bend the rules, but most don’t (and could get in trouble for doing so if audited).

      Were you eligible for COBRA from your previous job? If you were, you should have received a notice regarding your COBRA eligibility, and you have 60 days from when you receive the notice to decide if you want to elect COBRA. If you left your previous job two months ago, you’re probably right around that 60 day mark, so you’ll have to decide quickly. Keep in mind, COBRA is usually pretty expensive. You could also look into an Obamacare policy, but by the time you sign up and get through their waiting period, you will probably have employer coverage again.

    8. EG*

      I think you’d be better off looking for temporary insurance for a month. At my small office our provider won’t waive the 90 day waiting period, and can’t because it could be seen as discriminatory toward those who didn’t get a shorter wait.

    9. Eden*

      While the company might have no control over it, I strongly agree with the maxim “it never hurts to ask.”

  23. Golden Yeti*

    I have just a curiosity question:

    If you are a hiring manager conducting interviews for a dysfunctional company, do you hire candidates who are also dysfunctional similarly to everyone else in the company? Or, do you hire a non-dysfunctional candidate who would probably butt heads with everyone and not end up staying very long?

    For example, if you know that Managers Jane, Bill, and Paul all hate change, do you hire Candidate A who also hates change (and therefore would fit right in), or do you hire Candidate B who likes to shake things up (but who would probably not get along with Jane, Bill, and Paul)?

    1. Jules*

      If the organization is set to change, they would probably hire Candidate B and let the games begin…

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      A good hiring manager will be thoughtful about who will do well there and who won’t. For instance, I used to have to hire people to work closely with someone who was brilliant but difficult. I absolutely screened for people with a thick skin who would stick around.

    3. BB*

      Well my organization is dysfunctional and I don’t know if they hire for fit at all. It’s kind of a joke around the office that people who are hired always have amazing credentials but never pan out to be great and there’s always something. It seems like they only hire on credentials alone because almost everyone who has been hired in the past 5 years has left within a year or two.

    4. Golden Yeti*

      Thanks for the feedback! My company is quite dysfunctional (high turnover), and I’ve wondered if I were the one doing the hiring, which way I would choose: the person who would conform to the dysfunction, or the person who would shine a light on it and try to make things better. You know the latter wouldn’t last, but the former isn’t really helpful, either, in the long run…

  24. Rayner*

    Uuuuurgh, flying home for a funeral next week. Joys of joy.

    Question one: I have an issue with one manager – I don’t have any enough projects on the go for this period of time to be able to be classified the way I want to be and I have a month yesterday to solve this problem. Thinking of emailing on Monday, with plans for three separate project ideas, and starting them this weekend anyway, and hoping they’ll approve it.

    Or it could get difficult.

    And I can’t believe I have just two months left in Finland! Seriously going to miss this place – it’s so beautiful here, and I feel like I’ve come home.

    Question two: Thanks to my grandfather’s death – not okay D: – I’ve come into some money and I’ve decided to take everybody’s advice on here! I decided that I will be travelling to do my Masters in a few years – my plan is to go home to England, work for two years to shore up enough money so I’ll be able to live comfortably, perhaps take a year off afterwards to travel, and then apply for University in Bergen or somewhere else.

    Does anyone here have any recommendations for great universities/travel spots? I’m looking to spend a few months darting around and doing everything so anywhere fun is good :D

    1. Aunt Vixen*

      My overseas Masters was in England, so I may not have anything useful for you in terms of recommending universities. But I’m sorry about your granddad.

      1. Rayner*

        Where was your Masters, by the way? My bachelors was at Bangor, Wales, and I’m contemplating a second Masters at York St John.

        1. Aunt Vixen*

          It was at the university I sometimes refer to as The Big O. :-) They do love them some US dollars there.

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, the earlier thread made me look at that MBA program–it looks to be quite the cash cow.

            1. fposte*

              Clarifying that I know you didn’t say that was the program you’re in, just that I looked at that because somebody mentioned it.

          1. Rayner*

            GODDAMNIT, THERE IT IS.

            Seriously, it’s like six degrees of separation with Bangor Uni. Every. Single. Person. that I speak to online or offline, knows someone who went to Bangor or went to Bangor or has a neighbour or who went to Bangor or their nurse went to Bangor.

            The WHOLE entire world is connected to someone who goes to Bangor or went to Bangor.

            And now it’s moving online too. GOD HELP ME.

            XD No, seriously, it just cracks me up. A lot. Bangor FTW!

            1. fposte*

              That is hilarious. What an odd choice for the crossroads of the world!

              I was in Neuadd Rathbone back when it was a residence hall, on the second floor, with a lovely view of the countryside. Wish I’d gotten a sweatshirt back when it was the full University College–Coleg Prifysgol y Gogledd Cymru would be a great thing to have on a shirt in the Midwestern US.

      1. Beti*

        We finished up our first UK trip last spring in Edinburgh. We were only there for a few days but it seemed like a fun town. And Armstrong’s? Holy vintage treasure chest, Batman!

        1. Blue Anne*

          Oh my god, Armstrong’s is amazing. If you only found one, you should know for the next time you’re here that there are actually three or four locations across the city, and all of them are treasure troves.

          1. Beti*

            I do know. And it’s probably just as well I only made it to the one. By that time, I didn’t really have much spare room in mys suitcases. We’ll be back though. Scotland was lovely!

      1. Carrie in Scotland*

        Edinburgh, Glasgow, York – I would love to be live in any of them. My sympathies for your Grandad.

  25. CanadianWriter*

    I’m using my college education to make huge stacks of cash! I’m now writing articles about hotels and stuff for some American company. Zero research required! Spelling words wrong on purpose is really weird, though.

    3. C average*

      For about two seconds I thought this was spam. Make huge stacks of cash! Zero research required!

      2. Stephanie*

        Like those spam Facebook posts? “My aunt makes $13,000 a month on the side,,,….just click this link!!!!”

      1. CanadianWriter*

        Kind of by accident, actually. I hate non fiction and this is a first for me.

    5. Monodon monoceros*

      Ha, I made the spelling move the other way, from the US to an org in Europe whose business language is British English. It’s so weird! It’s especially weird when I get text from US colleagues that I have to “fix” to add u’s (colour, harbour) and change z’s to s’s (expertise, etc.) It is weird!

    6. Elizabeth West*

      LOL!
      I’ve been reading so many UK websites while trip planning that I’m starting to think American English looks wrong. I’ve noticed myself using words like “whilst” and “whinge” also.

  26. Trixie*

    Recently the interview question of “Why you’re the best candidate for this job” was discussed. Aside from all the points mentioned about why this is a poorly worded question. I was also considering overall “fit” and is this a person that would pass the airport/roadtrip test: could you spend two hours somewhere with this person for two hours and pass the time pleasantly for lack of a better word.

  27. KarmaKicks*

    I’ve been with my company for over 15 years, but it’s not as stable as it used to be, so I’ve been casually looking for a new job. I applied for a position in February and heard back yesterday that they want me to come in and take a secretary test on Monday, yay! If I pass that, I go back for an interview on Friday.

    I have two questions that are quite different.

    Does anyone have a good practice site for Word and Excel? I use them everyday, but there are a few things I need to brush up on.

    Second question…I found out I was pregnant after I applied and I’m kind of up in the air about changing jobs in the middle of this. Obviously I don’t have an offer of any sort, but thinking ahead, if this job pans out, does anyone have a tip about how to handle this? I guess I’m mainly concerned about changing insurances (although my current job and this one use the same company). I have one child, but he’s 20, so my job situation was vastly different at that point in my life.

  28. Random Reader*

    Shout out from Chicago! Quick question for you guys: I’m the oldest child in my family and I’m having difficulties… setting boundaries with my mom? That sounds more intense than what I’m looking for.

    About two years ago, I lost my brother in an accident that really messed up my family. As someone who’s turning 26 soon, I need to figure out what are appropriate boundaries to have as someone who’s an adult and living on their own not in the same state as my family. My mom really appreciates when I call her, but she tends to want more visits and phone calls than I have time for. I guess I just don’t know how much I should be devoting to being a child/sister and how much of me should be not a part of my family.

    Sorry for the stream of conciousness!

    1. Aunt Vixen*

      I don’t have anything helpful boundary-with-your-folks-wise, but I’m very sorry for your loss.

    2. cuppa*

      No advice, just commiseration. I love my mom, but she’s clingy… I think she’s lonely and sad and just won’t admit it. Other than finding her a gentleman friend, I don’t really know what to do… she’s very sensitive and I know that saying something to her will absolutely break her heart.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I had to tell my old-fashioned thinking father this. He was shocked. And I think he went on to find a companion- I’ll never be 100% sure.

        I probably could have used a better approach. But I still believe that it was the right thing to let him know that if he found someone to be a companion it was okay with me.

        But yeah, when I said that he was really flipping surprised but I didn’t get any arguing/upset over it.

    3. Rayner*

      Perhaps set up a time together that’s a regular phone date, rather than dealing with lots of calls at random times. Set aside two hours on a weekend to devote to your parent/or an afternoon to visit once/twice a month, and explain to her that you can’t do phone all the time during the week and what your work/financial situation means in terms of visits etc.

      Other than that, it’s just a case of working out what your personal limits are (I know that I can’t take more than one phone call home a week or I get bored and frustrated), and then enlisting your younger siblings to share the burden. If you all visited once a month, she might have one of you a week (depending on how many there are of you) or slightly less.

      And it’s not that you’re being ‘not part of the family’. You’re growing up, creating your own space and home, and need a little distance from your family.

      I’m trying to tell myself the same thing, but I fled a thousand miles away to prove the point to myself. Don’t generally recommend it XD

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I was going to suggest a regular phone call also. That will give your mom something to look forward to and also let her know that you do care. And it’s easier than random calls.

        I’m sorry about your brother. :(

    4. ser4ph1m*

      I highly recommend the book “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend. It does come from a Christian background, but the tips on dealing with people and what healthy boundaries look like are AWESOME. That book has seriously helped me with creating some space with my mom while also helping lessen my own stress of the situation.

      1. Just thought of another one...*

        I highly recommend this book as well. I’m in a very (almost eerie) similiar position with my mom – she’s divorced, lives in a small town and doesn’t have any friends outside of work. I’m her oldest AND only daughter (it really is a curse!).

        When I moved several hours away last year, she completely freaked out and made my life miserable for several months. She also hates my boyfriend. I started going to counseling because of it. The best recommendations I got from my counselor were to 1.) live my life exactly the way that I wanted to, without apologies and 2.) to set very clear boundaries when she did come to visit. For instance, if she started “acting out” while visiting, I was to remain calm until her tantrum was finished and then calmly continue with our plans.

        1. Just thought of another one...*

          I forgot to mention/remind that death has different effects on everyone. My father passed away a few years (well after my mom and him divorced), but they were still on good terms. I don’t know if she will ever really “get over” his death. :(

    5. Sunflower*

      I haven’t lost a family member (and I live about 30 minutes from my mom) but I’m having a lot of trouble setting boundaries with my mother(I’m 25). My mother has openly stated she wants me to move home(even though she begged me to move out 6 months ago) and will often attribute my not spending as much time with her as not loving her (I go home once a week). I’ve contemplated moving out of state to make things easier(I live in Philly and would love to move to Chicago- she would freak out)

      My best advice would be 1. If you can afford a therapist, consider going to one. I started and feel like I have gotten much better at setting boundaries with my mother than I was before. It’s helped me to separate her from ‘my mother’ and to look at her as a person. In addition to losing a son, she is also just dealing with her kids growing up and being their own adults. There is no perfect line of what is enough and what isn’t and every family is different. My roommate’s mom calls her 3 times a day- my roommate is fine with it (It would drive me nuts). Maybe if you send her something that doesn’t take a lot of time, like a funny article or video every so often, she won’t need as much extensive attention from you.

      This is still probably my biggest personal struggle(and I’m dealing more with my mother trying to manipulate me into doing things) so I’m still figuring out what is right for me and it might not be what’s right for you so I’d urge you to see if you can even do a few counseling sessions. It’s important to try to look at your mother as a person, not just your mother, and realize that just because she needs this, doesn’t mean it’s right or you have to do it.

      Good luck, I obviously know how difficult it is to say no!

    6. Manders*

      I talked with my parents before I left for college, and we decided that I would call them once per week. That’s worked really well, and I have continued doing it now that I’m out of school. It’s enough time between calls that we’ll have done/read/seen something interesting in the interim to talk about, but not so infrequent that my mom will start to worry about my safety. If I call more frequently than that, it’s usually for a quick question and not a long conversation.

      Visiting is trickier, because I live 3,000 miles away and going home is expensive and time-consuming. I think it depends on how far away you are and how much time you can devote to travelling without destroying your social life in your current city. Even if it’s easy to see your folks on weekends, you’ll be happier if you set some time aside for local friends.

    7. LMW*

      My mom was like that when I was in my early and mid twenties too, but she’s backed off quite a bit as she’s gotten more used to me being out on my own. (I still drive out to see them a few times a month though, and we usually talk about two times a week).

      When I was in college it really bothered me because she would always call at the worst times and it was hard to get her off the phone. She just didn’t understand that I was busy…but somewhere along the line my thinking shifted. My mom is one of my favorite people and she’s not going to be around forever, and not necessarily going to be healthy or mentally coherent forever (we went through long, drawn out Alzheimers battles with both my grandmas) so I should enjoy her company while it’s available. Thinking of it that way helped shift my thinking from “Ugh, mom again” to “Oh, it’s Mom! I need to tell her about [random thing that no one else would care about]”

    8. Jamie*

      Everyone is so different in what they need/want out of communicating.

      When my parents were alive I spoke with my dad daily. I know that’s weird, but it would typically just be once a day and pretty short with superficial topics. He wasn’t an emotionally expressive guy but it made him happy to hear from me once a day so he’d know I was still alive and okay. (A bit of a worrier.)

      I spoke to my mom a couple of times a week, usually a lot longer. Usually just chatty stuff, but more serious discussions when something was bothering me.

      The danger for people like me who have lost parents is to advise everyone to speak to theirs as much as possible, but you don’t need a psyche degree to know that’s because we wish we could.

      So my bias aside (as much as possible) your parents aren’t your friends or buddies…if they need you to call more often try to make the effort. And if it’s not always the most interesting thing you could be doing try to remember that going to our school functions, recitals, or spending Saturdays sitting in waiting rooms of orthodontists and daily listening to us blather on and on about who is talking to whom, and which cute boy is causing us distress this week, or listneing to the same damn song over and over because you just can’t get that step right in your pom routine. Spending a fortune not just on the stuff they were legally obligated to provide like food and shelter – but prom, private tutors, piano lessons, dance class, little league, cheer camp…canopy bed which just makes it harder to clean but if it makes us feel like a princess…

      You get the idea. Life is a give and take and for people who spent most of their sacrificing their own interests so they could indulge yours and always putting your well being above their own, a phone call isn’t that big a price to pay.

      Obviously this doesn’t apply to those with toxic parents. No parent is perfect, but if there are issues where contact with someone isn’t good for your mental well being that’s a completely different story and only you can determine what is healthy for you – and sometimes that means zero contact. I’m talking about the imperfect and sometimes annoying parents whose mistakes weren’t for lack of trying…and who mean well even if they are colossal pains in the ass about it.

      1. fposte*

        I loved my dad dearly and miss him very much. But he really was an early prototype of the helicopter parent, and I developed the once-a-week call plan in self-defense. I do regret that I didn’t change the habit once he became frail, but it was a necessary thing in the early days.

      2. Eden*

        I was in the middle of my divorce when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She was calling every day practically in an effort to make me reconsider (she loved my ex). I would see her name on caller ID and let it go to voicemail. I only had 6 months with her after the diagnosis, and when she passed, I bitterly regretted not picking up the phone. Worst daughter ever.

        With some time and distance, I can see though that it was okay. We talked frequently, once a week or so, and we had a great relationship. I couldn’t have known what was coming, and while there still are some things I regret not doing with her, I have forgiven myself for avoiding her calls during that time.

        I totally agree with Jamie, that my bias will tell you to talk all the time, but the reality is that you need to figure out how much contact you feel comfortable with. If you’re pushed into more, it’ll feel coerced and won’t be as satisfying.

    9. TL*

      I’m seconding the “set a phone time every week and stick to it.” It’ll help your mom feel more secure if she knows you always have time for her Sunday at 3 pm or whatever and it’ll help you set a clear easy boundary.

      If she calls at other times, just use something along these lines: “Oh, hey Mom, what’s up…. Oh, that’s great/interesting/sad…Okay, well I’m busy now but I’m really looking forward to talking to you on Sunday!”

      With my mom, I straight up don’t answer at certain times. (Anytime before 10 am, if I’m out late at night; if she calls more than X number of times in a certain time period.) I make it very clear that I always listen to voicemails and read texts, so if it’s an emergency I’ll know. But I’ve also been clear that I’m not rewarding certain behaviors. (Like calling me at 7 am. No.)

    10. Dang*

      I’m so sorry about your loss. I’m sure this complicates your relationship and boundary settling difficulties a great deal!

      I’m an only child and I have a similar problem. Right now I live with my parents so I’ve been struggling with how to draw boundaries with them (mostly my mom) while I’m in there house. It’s a challenge. But it’s always been a challenge. I lived a plane ride away for a few years and I felt like I was constantly flying home and stressed out about stepping on anyone’s toes.

      So I haven’t figured it out, obviously, but I think the idea of having a phone schedule to stick to is a good one. As far as how much of your time should be spent as a daughter/family member, how much is good for you? How much contact do you want? It will likely never be enough for your mom (who probably would love to see you every day but we know that isn’t feasible!) but starting with what YOU’RE comfortable with is totally key.

      1. Dang*

        OMG I can’t believe I wrote ‘in there house.’ Horrible. I have Friday-itis.

    11. Anonsie*

      Eh, talk to her when you want to, don’t when you don’t. There isn’t some set rule about how much an adult is allowed to or should be interacting with their parents still– do what you want.

      Unless she’s trying to guilt or penalize you when you don’t have time/don’t want to have a long phone call, in which case I don’t have any advice. I have the opposite problem with my mom where she never seems to want to talk to me or visit. Recently I’ve taken to leaving her voicemails where I dramatically sing AND THE CAT’S IN THE CRADLE AND THE SILVER SPOON because she hates that song and I think I’m funny… And is also probably why she doesn’t wanna talk to me.

    12. Kara Ayako*

      I live VERY far from my parents (it takes me about ten hours by plane with layovers to get home). When I first moved (I’m also the eldest), my mom would call me randomly at all sorts of times upset that I never called and wasn’t excited to speak to her when she did. So we had to have a heart to heart that if she calls randomly and often then I generally won’t be able to chat with her like she wants me to. Instead, we set up weekly calls. Now I call every Sunday. She gets a call to look forward to, I don’t get any drive-by guilt trips, and everyone’s happier. We’ve been operating like this for over 10 years, and it works well.

      Visits (because of the distance) are tremendously tough, but we, as a family, have committed to at least having Thanksgiving together every year. It’s kind of the same thing as the phone calls. Because we have a plan and we know it’s coming up, we all have something to look forward to.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      First thing to tell yourself is “I can’t fix this.” Nor should you. You can only process your own grief/sadness you cannot process other people’s grief for them.

      I think that is the hardest loss when a parent loses a child. There are support groups, grief counseling and all kinds of stuff to consider. But you can’t do it for her. At some point you might need to say that “If I could cry for you, I would. But you have to shed your own tears. I can only stand beside you.”

      Just my opinion that it takes two years to get out from the heavy, debilitating grief after a loss. I know with in cases where a spouse dies the statistics show for the next two years the likelihood of the remaining spouse dying is very high. This pattern holds across any demographic. This is how powerful grief is. It kills.

      Since losing a child, to me at any rate, is worse, I cannot imagine what it is like for your mom. But. She has made it this far. YAH!
      Definitely set your boundaries, as others have said. “Mom, I will call you ever Sunday at 2.” Or whatever. When you call don’t be afraid to bring up things such as “Mom, what have you done to help yourself this week?”
      Lots of stuff assists in processing grief such as good diet, exercise, counseling, and activities. She can find something to do with her time. Just my guess, but her high reliance on you could indicate that she is having a hard time filling up her days. Encourage her to find something that interests her and get involved.
      My mother passed when I was in my early twenties and had just gotten married. I had no clue what it was like to be a spouse who had lost their partner. So I encouraged my dad to talk to other men his age who had lost their wives. I could not be my father’s peer. Nor can you be a peer to your mother. Please remember that and encourage her to seek numerous resources in her journey of processing her pain. (Some losses are so massive that it takes the support of many people. No way can you do this on your own. No way.)

      My aunt lost her adult daughter (my cousin). We talked every day. I did not mind at all. But the basic conversation followed
      this pattern: How did things go yesterday with your plans for the day? And what are your plans today? (She had lots and lots to do so there was quite a range of topics. She was actually interesting to talk with.) What was key here was the expectation that there was a daily action plan and the actions were actually done.

      One final comment: When being around your family feels like drowning, then you have gotten waaay too involved in their lives and you need to reclaim your own. I never once felt like I was drowning with my aunt’s daily calls. Just the opposite. I couldn’t wait to talk to her.

      I am sorry for your loss.

  29. TJ*

    Any advice on how to diplomatically speak to my manager about a coworker who’s slow pace of work is affecting the team? The way our daily workflow is structured, everything must be approved by one person, creating a backlog and high turnaround times. This then leads to a lot of frustration and inefficiency within the team.

    1. Jules*

      If all else fail, chart it as workflow and talk about the bottle neck and suggest what could be done to fix it? Don’t talk about the person, it’s not helpful. Talk about the work.

      1. TJ*

        Thanks – good points. It’s something that I think could be easily remedied with a few workflow tweaks, so I’ll plan to keep the focus on that, not on the individual.

    2. ClaireS*

      This is definitely something to bring to your manager. Ask for advice on how to deal with the challenging process; don’t focus on how slow the person is, talk about the roadblock as a process. “Projects are often held up because they all need to be approved by Jane. This becomes a roadblock and slows things down considerably. Is there a way we can revisit the approval process or do you have another recommendation on how we can get past this roadblock?”

  30. Jules*

    I am honestly struggling with my project mgmt. But I hope by faking it, I would make though this rather difficult time.. I know it’s partly my mental issues but for the love of everything else, why can’t everyone be pro-active? I thought that it’s an inbuilt feature. Boy was I in for a surprise..

    One day at a time…

  31. Stephanie*

    Hi everyone! Two (related) questions about keeping my skills fresh while I job search.

    1. I’m looking to bolster my programming skills. Not trying to get a programmer role, but I thought it could be useful to say I have a familiarity with languages. In college, I mostly used MATLAB or Excel, but am looking to learn other languages. I’m looking at Python or C/C++. Would MOOCs/self-directed learning be sufficient for this? Or it would look more legitimate to take the class at a community college (or even the local university)?

    2. I’m looking for more substantial volunteer experience. I’m in a technical field and trying to find related volunteer work. I currently volunteer as a docent at the science museum, which is fine, but the museum’s so overstaffed with volunteers (and regular staff) that I don’t have a lot to do. Closest things I can find usually relate to STEM advocacy, which is ok, but usually falls into the area of educational policy. I’m thinking along the lines of FIRST Robotics–I volunteered with a HS robotics team and was able to get some accomplishments with that (but it’s only during certain times of the year). Anyone know of anything along those lines?

    1. KitKat*

      I don’t know if this is quite what you’re looking for, but CodeAcademy is a great resource I’ve poked around in. Maybe you can find something useful in there? I know they delve into Python a bit.

      1. Stephanie*

        Doing that right now, actually! It’s been really helpful. I just wasn’t sure if that looked less legit than taking it at State U.

        1. KitKat*

          I feel like anything self-taught will always look “less legit”, but if the skill is there, a reasonable hiring manager shouldn’t be that prejudiced.

    2. fposte*

      Lynda.com also has some programming (including Python) resources, though they won’t carry as much resume weight as an actual course.

    3. The Real Ash*

      In my metro area, we have a computer education-oriented non-profit organization that has two types of roles. One is being a teacher for people who have no experience with computers; you’d teach them basic things like how to use a word processing program, how to type, how to use the Internet, etc. The other role is for cleaning, rebuilding, refurbishing, etc. donated computers to give to low-income people. You should see if there is something similar in your area.

    4. the_scientist*

      I’m doing this as well- I use SAS/SPSS but am using CodeAcademy and Learning Python the Hard Way (I think?) to learn some Python. My first real exposure to programming languages was learning SAS in grad school and while I like what I can *do* with it; I don’t find it intuitive. I’m hoping that adding a general programming language will make coding a bit more intuitive for me. Also gives me a way to exercise my brain while I’m stagnating at my job and unsuccessfully searching for a new one. 10 job applications, zero interviews. woo.

      1. Stephanie*

        Yeah, exactly. I can do some coding, but I’ve never found it intuitive and always write the clunkiest code.

        I took an operations research class and that’s helped a lot, actually. We don’t do a lot of coding, but learning the math’s helped me with the logical aspects of coding.

    5. Brett*

      Python the Hard Way.
      It will take you several months to complete, but I think it is the best self-guided curriculum. (Actually, I teach python courses and it is better than my curriculum, but doesn’t fit for a classroom setting.)

      Volunteering: Find a Code for America brigade or if you are near a city with a current fellowship deployment, contact the fellows. FIRST Robotics still needs lots of volunteers.

    6. KSM*

      There are two great programming MOOCs I would recommend, both on the website edx.org:

      CS50x: intro to programming for non-major, lots of C, touches on lots of things. It’s from Harvard, by David Malan, runs all year (until end of December) untimed (so long as you completed by Dec). It has a VERY helpful system.

      6.00.x (MIT): Python-focused. It is timed (you have a semester) and has a followup on data structure (6.0.2x or something like that). You will probably have to wait until Fall to take it again, but I encourage you to check it out. Far drier, a lot less help (because Malan is super into things like creating a subreddit for his course and the MIT profs, less so), but more thorough about the language you’ll be dealing with (Python) and much more traditional in its outlook–it is for people who are presumed to be entering the field, unlike CS50x.

      I took 6.00.x and enjoyed it (although I did find the last bit, which introduces object-oriented programming, to be a bit rushed). I’m taking CS50x and enjoying it.

    7. KSM*

      Oh, re: MOOCs and programming — I understand that you might be in the non-T aspects of STEM (science, engineering, mathematics). Is that so?

      If it is, I recommend Python a lot; it has a really solid userbase in the STEM community (thanks to MathPy and Matplotlib, although this userbase is contributing to the split between Python 2 and Python 3, whiiich is quite a rift) but it’s broad enough that it can be used for non-data-crunching reasons (websites, games like EVE Online, version control systems).

      That said, Python (even with libraries) won’t be as feature-complete as Mathlab for specific STEM purposes.

  32. Katie the Fed*

    Hi everyone!

    Can I ask a wedding question? I finally found a dress I liked and that is pretty flattering on me. It accentuates my hourglass and plays down my big old butt.

    Now, I know I should order it at the current size, but I’m doing P90X and am trying to tone up and lose weight.

    If I lose 2-3 sizes, can a dress be fitted for that kind of loss? Obviously I’d get a good tailor for it.

    1. Diet Coke Addict*

      I used to work in wedding dress sales.

      I must urge you in the strongest possible terms to order the dress for the body you have. Something like 75% of women are working out and trying to lose weight for their dresses and not many of them achieve it. A dress can indeed be taken in a bit, but it is going to be a MAJOR problem if it is 3 sizes too small. Wedding dresses are sized differently from regular dresses to begin with. A good seamstress will be able to take it in quite a lot, but if you lose more than about 4 sizes, there will be significant restructuring of the dress itself.

      Many boutiques will have you sign a waiver stating that you know you measure at X size and are choosing to purchase Y size instead and will not pitch a blue fit when it doesn’t fit. It happens. A LOT.

    2. AdAgencyChick*

      It can — it’s crazy what those Kleinfeld ladies do on Say Yes to the Dress sometimes!

      Just make sure your last fitting is close to your wedding date. Don’t be like me and lose MORE weight after you’ve had it fitted. (Not my fault — I got sick and couldn’t eat for a week — but to this day I’m still sad about how my wedding photos show me in a dress that isn’t at all the well-fitted look I was going for.)

      1. AdAgencyChick*

        And — what Diet Coke Addict said. Sizing down is FAR easier than sizing up.

    3. Diet Coke Addict*

      More questions! 1. When is the wedding? 2. What is the lead time on the dress? 3. How involved is the dress structurally–would there be a major component to fix (like an intricate skirt or corset back)? All of these are big important questions.

      So yes, a dress can usually be taken in about 2 sizes (roughly, depending) without damaging the structure of the dress. But it is extremely difficult to let out a dress except for a few things (hems, sleeves). There is very little seam allowance in wedding gowns.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        OK, I am DEFINITELY going to order for the body I have now – I wouldn’t risk it to that extent.

        Wedding is in mid-October. If I order the dress this weekend, it’ll arrive mid-August so that gives me two months for alterations.

        It’s not terrible complex – lace with a bit of ruching. God bless ruching is all I can say.

        1. Diet Coke Addict*

          You should be fine! Ordering two or three sizes down “to lose weight for” is probably THE most common thing dress salespeople hear, and lots of times it ends in sadness. Be careful that you find a good seamstress or tailor, especially with lace, which can be tricky. But you should be fine.

    4. Aunt Vixen*

      What kind of timeline are we looking at? When is the wedding, when is the dress coming, who’s doing the alterations? (Can we see a link to the dress – is it elaborate or less so?)

    5. Chocolate Teapot*

      I know nothing about weddings, but I do know that alterations can depend on the dress (and technical ability of the person doing the alterations). For example, if there is beading or lace overlay or complicated seams, it might not look right after it’s been taken in.

    6. Liz in a Library*

      My wedding dress was misordered by the shop and arrived last minute, about 4 sizes too large. It took a lot of altering and would have been pretty expensive, but it looked great and not at all like it had been altered down so much.

    7. AndersonDarling*

      I am a dressmaker on the side and I had a friend bring me a bridesmaid’s dress to take down 2 sizes. It was so constructed with boning and lining that it took a whole day to do right. I would have charged $80 if it was a client.
      You can probably find someone to do the alterations, but you may end up paying more for the alterations than for the dress.

      And watch out if there is a pattern to the fabric, taking out 2-4 inches will change the overall look.

      1. cuppa*

        I think I got hosed on alterations — I got charged $95 to move a snap an inch over and to do a bustle….

      2. Katie the Fed*

        OK thanks! I think a size is about 10-15 pounds so if I lose 30 pounds that’ll be two sizes.

        1. GigglyPuff*

          Just a word of warning from someone who has lost some weight. You might not lose it from where you want to, when I first started working out, I knew I was losing weight, but it wasn’t until we actually looked at my measurement progress, and compared the updates, realized it was all in the thighs! In total, I lost like 8 inches off both my thighs before I really started losing it anywhere else, which I know is awesome, but at the same time, I was like “I could care less about my friggin’ thighs right now, I want this belly fat gone!”

          But good luck!

          1. Katie the Fed*

            I usually lose in my belly and butt. Luckily I can usually keep the girls. My arm fat holds on to the bitter end.

            1. GigglyPuff*

              Nice. One of the next things to go, were my girls and I was so friggin’ happy, since most people told me, it’s not that usual to lose fat off your breasts. Went down an entire cup size, I almost cried in the dressing room, it was so awesome.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        My sister had asked me and her friend to be co-maid/matrons of honor at her wedding. The designer dress she picked 1) was a size too big for me (I swam in it), and 2) was a cool lavender, which I look HIDEOUS in.

        I took it to a seamstress and because of the way it was constructed, she told me she would have to charge almost as much as the dress was worth to alter it. So I gave it to my mother to return and bought something of my own, and I did the guest book instead. Which was fine–she had no one to do that so it worked out.

        Her friend, who had blond hair and a much bigger front than me, looked fabulous in the dress. :)

        1. Algae*

          Wait – because the dress didn’t fit, you were no longer a bridesmaid? Was that your choice or the Bride’s?

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I told her it didn’t fit, and I didn’t have anything that color to wear. She suggested I do the guest book. I was happy to do it because I didn’t want to be her co-maid of honor–we lived too far from each other.

    8. Jubilance*

      By the dress at your current size – it’s always easier to take in than to let out. If they have to take it in a lot it may be more costly but at least you know you have something that fits well.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I promise you guys I’ll order it at the current size – I said that up above because it’s been drilled into my head plenty :)

    9. Celeste*

      Is there an alterations person at your bridal salon? She can look at the dress you want and talk about the alteration options.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        She didn’t seem too on her game. I’ll probably take the dress to a local seamstress/tailor. We have a few good ones in this area.

        1. Littlemoose*

          I assume you’re not in the St Louis area – I know a fabulous wedding dress tailor if so.

      1. Mints*

        I know! I know this is cultural, but big butt was always up there with big boobs in “dream bodies” for me growing up.
        Nicki Mnaj, Kim Kardashian, Beyonce = body idols for people I know

        Sorry that was a huge tangent

  33. meesh*

    I’m about to accept a job without ever seeing their offices. Is that really strange? Its a huge TV network. I don’t think there would be any surprises there.

    The day of my original interview, President Obama had the NYC block under lockdown LOL

    1. Colette*

      I don’t see that as a big issue due to the circumstances. (If they wanted to meet you elsewhere for interview without an explanation, that would be a warning sign.)

    2. Beti*

      Can you make an appointment prior to accepting, just for a quick ten minute tour? I’d certainly want to see my future workplace before agreeing to spend 40+ hours a week there. I shouldn’t think that would be a huge imposition or considered unreasonable.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I could be off-base here but I wouldn’t be looking at an office to see the office itself. I’d be watching the people. What are they doing? How are they interacting with each other?

    4. Cautionary tail*

      I once accepted a job without seeing the office first. The interview was at a coffee shop in a different town and even though I asked for an office tour was told that it was inconvenient and the hiring manager was headed somewhere else.

      Imagine my surprise when in 2009 on my first day I walked in and saw WWII steel desks with WWII chairs, cabinets, etc. Its a great testimonial to the quality of that 70 year old furniture, and a miserable testimonial to the miserable company that still used it. The building, the company, and everything else about it was miserable. I no longer work there.

  34. New HR*

    I recently started working for a software start up that is starting to move out of the “start-up” phase and is gaining employees fast. My role is to establish a formal HR department.

    One of the challenges we’re facing right now is creating an effective on-boarding process for new employees without bogging them down in paperwork and process. (Our CEO is working hard to avoid putting in more process than necessary) Our company is aiming to have a culture similar to that of Netflix, Zappos, and Google where there is a lot of trust in employees and not a lot of hard and fast rules.

    My question is…does anyone have any advice on things to include in an effective on-boarding process?

    Currently, we have an intro with our CEO where he explains the mission behind our company and why he started it. New hires have a sit down with their manager to talk about what they’re doing and are assigned tasks to get started on (the level of detail in these meetings depends on what they were hired to do, and who their manager is) . They receive standard payroll and benefits forms, and their manager takes them out for lunch at one of the nearby restaurants.

    1. Jules*

      Create a standard on boarding checklist for managers to do when the new person comes in. Elementary I know but useful for managers who has not on board anyone for years.

    2. OriginalYup*

      I love checklists, agendas, and buddy systems (aka shadowing).

      An onboarding process I went thru that I really liked went as follows:

      The first day was all scheduled out for me: filling out HR paperwork, an office tour (bathrooms! supply closet!), meeting everyone in my dept, IT basics (logging into all the systems to test your user id, setting up a vm greeting), etc.

      The rest of the first week as a semi-scheduled structure where I met with reps from each dept/project who gave me a quick overview of the work and some resources (reports, readings, etc). The rest of the month were weekly check-ins with my boss and set times, a few short online courses I was expected to complete by Day 30, my first project and team meetings, and side-by-side working rotations where I would sit with different people to learn how a given task was performed. At the end of the first month, my boss and I sat down and mapped out my next 30/60/90 days as a roadmap for what I should be working on and what needed to be accomplished.

  35. Blue Anne*

    I’m currently at a tiny company whose HR function is covered by a freelancer. Our old one retired recently, so the new one is in the office today having one-on-ones to get to know us.

    We had a long conversation that was good and productive. Upon her asking I mentioned that yes, I am looking for other jobs, although not with any sense of urgency. She was totally unsurprised and at that point actually mentioned that, you know, she tended to know a lot of people who were hiring… and of course it would be a conflict of interest for her to help me get hired away from this current company, but…

    I’m really not sure what I think about that. I’m usually enthusiastic about any offer of help or networking, but from this source I just… yurgh. I dunno. More to the point, the fact that she would offer even while mentioning the conflict of interest gives me some concerns about her professional integrity. If she were in any other position, I might mention a concern like that to my manager, but because it’s sensitive for me, I’m not sure what to do.

    Anyone have thoughts? Am I just being way too uptight here?

    1. The Real Ash*

      I personally think you are being too uptight. She admitted that there was a conflict of interest and is leaving it up to you to decide. Has she actively tried to poach you from your company? Has she given out your resume to anyone? Have she actually done anything unethical or underhanded? If not, I wouldn’t mention it to your manager at all, because to me, that would fall under the definition of tattling. If you are uncomfortable using her as a resource, then don’t. If you don’t really mind, then just have her give you a heads up about things, so that you are still doing all of the contacting and the work, and she is only just giving you helpful information.

    2. Prickly Pear*

      I think your yrurgh response was the correct one. Maybe because I’m currently embroiled in office politics, but I would feel like that’s a big ol’ setup for management to find out everyone’s ‘loyalty’.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Don’t take the bait. And don’t mention it to your manager.

      Take the high road on both sides of this question.

      Telling the manager does nothing. You could have been the only one she said it to. He may know that she does this and is not worried about it. Or she might be helping him get a new job also.
      Not worth getting involved in.

  36. HAnon*

    I want to vent on the topic of gift giving in the office. One of our coworkers (a manager for another department) is pregnant, and the team organized an in-office baby shower for her, complete with decorations and cupcakes, which was perfectly lovely. However, the pregnant manager “hinted” that she wanted a particular gift — costing $500. We all received an email from one of the shower organizers asking for “donations” to the gift, and I did not respond because 1) I do not know the manager very well 2) I do not have any extra funds at my disposal, as my income is tight right now. I did, however, write the pregnant manager a note of congratulations and told her how much I enjoyed having her as a colleague and best wishes during this time, etc… I found out at the baby shower that there was a card passed around prior to that only the gift givers had signed. Essentially, they presented the present with a card stating who had donated money to the gift (which was fully paid for), while the people who had not donated money stood there awkwardly holding cupcakes (me and maybe another person or two). It felt uncomfortable on a number of levels. I felt like I was being singled out for not giving money to the gift by omission of my name on the card, the underlings ended up funding the manager’s expensive gift out of their own meager paychecks, and no one commented on it like it was out of the ordinary…anyone else think differently, or am I overreacting?

    1. Blue Anne*

      Yeeesh. Yeah, that’s uncomfortable and not okay. At the very least, even if donations were asked for, *everyone* should have been given the opportunity to sign the card.

      I’m not sure if there’s anything to do about it, though. :(

    2. Sascha*

      Ugh, I would have been very irritated but probably would not do anything about it…I don’t like conflict to begin with and I’m not sure what can be done in this situation. That was very rude and thoughtless on a lot of people’s parts.

      And a gift that was $500??? What did she want? Like a stroller or something??

    3. Who are you?*

      I don’t think you’re overreacting. The school my kids attend just had to change the gift giving policy for the teachers because this very thing happened. Now the way the rules for gift giving are written the teacher cannot accept a gift unless it’s from an individual OR the entire class. Not both. An individual gift has a dollar limit for $10 and the class gift can not exceed $50.

    4. Loux*

      my workplace does the same all the time. However I had the opposite, I did donated but the admin forgot to give me the card and now coworker gives me the evil eye because she thinks i didn’t contribute to her gift.

    5. Anonsie*

      Ehhh this is so iffy. On the one hand, I think it’s totally acceptable for a group of folks to get together and pool money and buy something nice and all sign a card together. It shouldn’t make you feel weird to not participate because it’s not really a statement of anything, just a gift from a couple of people. And yeah, the whole gifts going up thing, but since they didn’t press you to contribute after asking once I wouldn’t be too offended by that alone. Sounds like they did it the right way.

      But in some crowds this absolutely would be a judgmental thing, pointing out who didn’t want to participate. It really depends on your office climate and the people in question who set it up. And it is more than a little lame that the manager wanted something so expensive in the first place, though I always wonder when someone talks about hints being dropped if it was really a hint or if she was just talking about baby gear and someone decided it was a hint.

      1. HAnon*

        The organizer sent a few emails asking for money…I think 3 in total, I just didn’t respond to any of them (they were group emails). The manager sent someone the link to the gift she was “hinting” at, so it wasn’t really a hint…the link was actually in the “donation request” email. Originally they were only asking for donations from her department, but they opened it up to the whole company when (I suspect) they figured out that 5 people weren’t going to be able to give the half-thousand dollar gift she wanted. It doesn’t bother me enough to do anything about it, I’ll just have to be the office scrooge (since I have a feeling that’s how a few people now think of me). I’ll happily attend a celebratory event and sign a card, but I’m not going to donate. These are coworkers, not family members or close friends, and I think sometimes people need to be reminded that’s the reality…if you have super tight-knit relationships with your coworkers, that’s great but it’s out of the norm. An office isn’t a family, as much as people want to think otherwise, and based around that misconception are unfair. At the end of the day, it’s still a business.

        1. HAnon*

          that was supposed to say “expectations based around that misconception are unfair”

        2. Anonsie*

          Oh bleh that’s all straight up crummy behavior. Who asks for a $500 gift from their staff??

        3. Ollie*

          I’ve been a work scrooge before too. I really don’t see any reason to pitch in to buy gifts for people that I’m not friends/family with. If the extent of my relationship with someone is having conversations with them everyday because we work in the same building and I want to be friendly and get along with them, then it doesn’t warrant me spending money on them.

          I had a part-time, minimum wage job once where I worked in a separate area of the building from everyone else, so I didn’t get to know my coworkers at all, and they’d still ask me to pitch $20 every time it was someone’s birthday. Just told them I couldn’t afford it.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      This stuff baffles me. If she could have afforded it, she could have bought it herself. How does she expect others can afford the item?

      In the end the employee has to weigh out which is worse? The financial loss or the negative reaction?

      I used to think of it as paying to stay on the good side of some people. I made sure I had a $5 bill on me most of the time. And that is what people got- $5. (Most people in my department qualified for food stamps. That is how tight money was for us.)

  37. CatK*

    So my confidence at work has really taken a hit. I feel really defeated by recent events and having a hard time motivating myself to get anything done. Any suggestions on how to overcome this?

    Basically the promotion my director said he was going to get for me over a year ago is not materializing, and he is making statements here and there (but none directly to me) like he is never going to promote me. The promotion would be taking me off front-line user support and putting me on a specialized team. The other two people on this team are super helpful and friendly – training me in all of their duties, helping me learn new skills – they want me on the team, because they need an extra person anyway and we work well together. However it feels like my director is not going to go through with it after all and it’s left me very discouraged. I’m having trouble motivating myself to do the tasks I need to get done for this new team. Any advice would be most appreciated.

    1. C average*

      Oh, man. That’s tough. You have my sympathy.

      If you can, try to frame the director’s decision on this as something other than a value judgment on you and to not take it as a reflection on your ability to do the job you wish you were doing. There are a million reasons a promotion might be put on hold–current needs, budget, delays in potential promotion processes, bureaucratic realities, the human tendency to favor the status quo–that have next to nothing to do with the capabilities of the person being considered or not considered for the promotion.

      It’s important that you have this clear in your head so that you can stay motivated, effective, and positive where you are, which makes you a more appealing candidate for . . . well, anything. The job you want. The job you have. Maybe another job somewhere else, if it’s clear that there’s no mobility where you are.

      Don’t let one person’s outlook determine your ability to hold your head up and take pride in the things you know you’re doing well.

      (I’m giving myself this advice, too. I can very, very much relate to where you’re at.)

      1. CatK*

        Thank you! Those are good things to think about. Part of what is discouraging me is that getting this promotion and being moved onto the special team would help me immensely with changing my career – it’s the first step in the direction I want to go. My work experience is kind of hodge podge and I have a liberal arts degree, but I’m going for a specialized area in IT. I feel like I’m already behind the curve since I don’t have straight experience in the field I’m aiming for (all the jobs I look at want at least 2-3 years experience), and so not getting the promotion/new title feels like I’m never going to be able to move into the field I really want.

        I am very thankful for my coworkers though, they are awesome.

        1. C average*

          One more thing, from a fellow liberal arts grad who works in a technical field. Expertise gained on the job is still expertise–don’t ever doubt it and don’t sell it short.

          I think for a long time I had it in the back of my mind that you’re not really a chocolate teapot expert until you get your Chocolate Teapot Expert card, but I’ve found in practice that it doesn’t really work that way. In my current role, I am designated a subject matter expert–it’s official, it’s in my file–at something I did not go to school in, did not get certified in, but just taught myself through day in and day out experience. I was, in all fact, a subject matter expert long before HR put a note in my file SAYING I’m one.

          The expertise you’re gaining is absolutely real. Keep stringing it together and you’ll find that your work history may present a more coherent narrative than you think it does now.

    2. Rayner*

      I would go to your manager and clarify if this training + promotion is actually going anywhere, and what his time scale is. If you can’t get a straight answer, or if he says no, after so much training and time has passed, you have to make a choice.

      Stick with your boss, or start job hunting. If he’s not willing to go the distance on your promotion, there’s little you can do to force him to change his mind.

      You may be able to speak with the manager of the team who’s been training you, but they could be in a bad position, and not have the leverage to make your boss move you. Leapfrogging him could leave a bad taste in your manager’s mouth, too.

      But take those skills, and learn them as well as you can, because that’s stuff that could help you get into a similar position in a new job. Think of it as planning for the future, and that every day that passes gives you more building blocks to add to your resume. If your boss can’t recognise the potential that these other guys see in you, it’s his problem, and he’s going to lose you.

      Focus hard, brush up your resume if you don’t get a good time line, and tell yourself if you haven’t heard concrete news in six months, you’ll kick the job search into high gear, and take your best offer.

      1. CatK*

        Thank you! I’ve been asking my director ever so often what the timeline is, and he just gives me vague answers like “I need to see how things go after X,” and when X rolls around, I ask again, and then it’s something else.

        My awesome coworkers are also helping me look for jobs and giving me the skills I need to get there, so I do want to stick it out a little bit longer so I can benefit from that. I’d be long gone if it weren’t for them. I probably should have left this job a long time ago, or advocated for myself better, but oh well. That’s a lesson that is taking a long time to sink in.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          It sounds like job hunting time. BUT. Just to be sure, perhaps your awesome coworkers (they sound really great, btw) could give you some pointers for one last ditch effort in talking to your director. Maybe one of them has clout enough to pull you over to their team.

  38. Del*

    1) I can’t see any reason why you would pay only part of the cost for her to fly. The extra seat charge is not negotiable or optional for her. It isn’t a perk, it’s a necessity of travel. She’s traveling for your company, so you pay it. It costs her $x to get to the destination you want her to go — why should she have to pay to work for you? (and depending on what you’re paying her/how frequent the travel is, how would this impact her effective paycheck?)

    2) What logistics do you mean? I think before you decide whether or not you’re going to have the conversation, you would need to sit down, do your research, and actually figure out what is a serious logistical concern versus what is just “you’re fat so we’re going to assume you’re more difficult.” Cost is one logistic. There are hoops an extremely overweight customer needs to jump through before getting on the plane, but most of those are incumbent on the person doing the flying (a different check-in process, getting an advanced boarding pass, etc) rather than on the one purchasing the flight. I would keep the conversation very tightly focused on “these are the specific issues that we foresee being of concern” rather than going into it on a general tack.

    3) As far as I’m aware, obesity is not considered a disability under the ADA, so you would not be legally prohibited from considering it (obligatory IANAL disclaimer).

      1. Laufey*

        No, I think that post disappeared. I wanted to see responses to it, but now I can’t find it anywhere.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Yes — I deleted it (mere seconds after it was posted, so Del is crazy fast!) and alerted the author that I was doing that because it was sent to me as a stand-alone letter and I’ve already written a whole stand-alone post on it (including getting a lawyer to weigh in), so I’m hoping to save discussion on it until then. (In general, I try not to do posts that were also posted here, except in extreme cases where I can’t resist. I know that makes it tricky on question-submitters, since they don’t know if I’m going to get to their question or not.)

  39. Diet Coke Addict*

    I had a beautiful wedding on Sunday! It was great.

    I am slightly miffed, though, because in my small office of 6 people, there is usually a birthday lunch for every person with small gifts, and two employees who are having babies had elaborate baby showers with food, cake, presents (and a lot of them!), and another employee who got married the year before I came had a wedding shower as well. I did not get so much as a card. I don’t really care either way, but slightly irritated.

    1. fposte*

      Congratulations, DCA! I know what you mean about annoying office asymmetries, but hey, you got a spouse you like.

      (I’d be tempted next time I was invited to a shower to ask if this was joint for me and the honoree, though.)

    4. anon in tejas*

      I would be bothered too. Try not to let it get you down though. Congratulations.

    5. Diet Coke Addict*

      Thanks all!

      I feel RIDICULOUS now because there was a shower downstairs for me at lunch. I was flabbergasted. Truly I had NO idea (hence my crabbing). I guess it was intended to be a surprise? IT WORKED.

    7. Dang*

      Congratulations! And glad to hear you ended up getting a shower at work! Good on your coworkers for actually keeping it a secret, that can be tough!

    8. Ruffingit*

      Congratulations!! May you and your spouse enjoy many years of happiness and love.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Congrats and all the best to the both of you. (And very cool about your coworkers and the shower. yeah!)

  40. la franca*

    Does anyone else find this site addictive? My friends don’t understand why I spend so much time reading a career site, which I admit sounds like it would be a boring topic. I don’t know how to explain to them why I like it so much but I love it.

    1. Sascha*

      Oh I do. First, I’m just addicted to advice columns in general. Second, the advice here is practical, useful, actionable…and I’ve found a lot of it is applicable to other areas in my life, not just work. I can’t count how many times I’ve sent articles to friends when they ask me about cover letters, resumes, interviewing, people behaving bizarrely at work…

    2. CanadianWriter*

      I came for the career advice and stayed for the drama.

      I also get story ideas here sometimes.

    3. Persephone Mulberry*

      AAM has become an integral part of my morning coffee and lunch break routines. Sometimes I even read it before I check Facebook.

    4. Sunflower*

      I do!! It’s the first thing I open along with my email everyday when I get to work. I also don’t contribute to any other community or whatever on the internet. I think I’m more addicted to finding a place where people are civil and actually want to help each other as opposed to just prove a point. Also these topics seem to appear here and only here so I’m happy to be addicted!

      1. Fee*

        ” It’s the first thing I open along with my email everyday when I get to work.”

        +1 !

        I’m always mentioning ‘this work blog I read all the time’ and getting slightly puzzled looks :)

      2. Windchime*

        I can beat that. I get up in the morning, put on the kettle, play with the cat for a minute and then I read AAM while I am drinking tea and eating toast. It’s a really nice way to start the day. Except today I didn’t get to work until after 9 because of the horrifying bathroom post.

    6. Mimmy*

      Oh my goodness YES!! Especially the Open Threads and the ones where Alison does a random “ask the readers” post, like the Excel tips or worst career sin.

    7. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I find this hugely gratifying … and also fascinating, because I have the same “who would have thought career advice could inspire this much interest?” reaction sometimes. My not-very-humble take on it is that it’s a combination of (a) the fact that lots of our topics are way more interesting than what’s traditionally presented as career advice (we get into tons of interpersonal stuff, bad behavior, etc.), (b) most career advice is presented in a completely boring, generic way, whereas Ask a Manager is probably more like your opinionated coworker who may or may not have just had a glass of wine at lunch, and (c) we obsess on the details here, in a way that appeals to other people who find details/nuance fascinating (which is absolutely not everyone’s cup of tea).

      1. Mints*

        Ask a Manager is probably more like your opinionated coworker who may or may not have just had a glass of wine at lunch

        This is why I’m here!

        1. TL*

          To be honest, I came for AAM and stayed for Jamie and fposte. (Actually, basically the whole commenting community but if no one gets offended, I’ll admit that they’re my favorite.)

      2. Blue Anne*

        I think for me it’s a combination of B and C, in a way. When I recommend this blog to friends (which I do, often) the phrases I use most are “actually realistic” and “no bullshit”.

      3. Fee*

        A big draw for me is knowing that somewhere out in the world there is a bunch of other people who think exactly the same way I do about work nonsense/drama/incompetence. It’s strangely comforting. Sometimes the nature of the workplace is such that you can feel like a lonely buoy of common sense floating in an ocean of idiocy.

        It’s crossed my mind more than once that a business staffed by some of AAM’s regular commenters would make a pretty awesome workplace :)

      4. Shell*

        Yes, yes, yes. I wish I found this site years ago. I think I knew about it years ago but only took a passing glance, and it wasn’t until my last job went sideways that I really started looking and went “WTF, I could’ve dealt with LastJob’s shenanigans so much better if I had armed myself with all this advice!!” (And with a healthy dose of perspective…well, while I still think my LastJob’s management handled things badly, I no longer froth at the mouth when I think of them because I was probably no prize, either. :P)

        Alison, aside from having a ton of helpful, no-nonsense, realistic advice, also writes in a really personable fashion. So it really is like talking to her, rather than the really boring generic advice I got spoonfed with by my college career counsellors (the extent of which I probably could’ve looked up on the internet myself).

        And +1 for the commentors keeping me here. Jamie, Colette, fposte, Joey, and probably a dozen more that I’m forgetting…I love the wildly different perspectives on this site and it really makes me think about perspectives when issues crop up in my work life.

      5. College Career Counselor*

        The commentariat here is probably another reason why people stick around. The people here are interested, experienced, helpful, thoughtful and frankly way more *polite* than just about any other place on the internet I’ve ever been. Even when there is a disagreement or communication issues, there is a distinct lack of trolling or name-calling.

        And now I’m sure I’ve jinxed it.

      6. Ruffingit*

        For me, part of the allure of this site is validation of things I’ve always believed. I never felt comfortable calling up employers to see if my application had been received or trying to find the name of the hiring manager to address the cover letter, etc. This site has given me the validation from a reputable and knowledgeable source who has said “Nope, not worth the time/doesn’t matter.”

        Also, it is a relief to know you’re not alone. Crazy boss, psycho co-worker, depressed over the job search? This site has so many people who say “Me too. It’s not you. You’re not alone. That co-worker, boss, jerk guy is not behaving appropriately. What they’re doing is not ok…”

        Even if you can’t exit the work situation or life situation causing the problem, at least you know you’re not alone, that certain things are not normal, and even more than that, there is a way out, there are things you can do to help your resume/cover letter. And in the meantime, there are people who understand (Alison and all the awesome commenters). It’s a huge emotional help to have this space. Thank you for it Alison. THANK YOU.

      7. Not So NewReader*

        Off track by a bit- but I have been curious, Alison, have you ever met any of the posters in person?

        Apologies if that is a tacky question.

        I realize I will probably never meet the people here, but I feel like I know them on some level. It’s weird to describe.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            You gotta be curious about some people who comment often.
            Or do you think meeting them in person would make the commentary less “magical” for the lack of a better word?

        2. Ruffingit*

          I too feel that I know people here on some level. Clearly not the same as an in-person relationship, but bits and pieces of who people are come through in their various posts and eventually you end up with a composite of who they are. Obviously, not everything about that person or, as I said, as in-depth as you’d get in person, but things do come through in the online world that help you get to know people.

          P.S. Not So NewReader, I always enjoy your posts and would totally meet you in person if you lived anywhere near me. Just saying :)

    8. The Real Ash*

      Ha, I get the same thing all the time. I recommend this blog to everyone I know, not just those who are job hunting, and they’re confused like, “Why don’t you read blogs about your other interests?” They just don’t understand me and my love of Alison dammit!

        1. The Real Ash*

          I say that [in my head] to the people who write into Ask Amy and Dear Abby (the two other ladies in my Advice Lady Trio) with workplace questions. I love them, but they don’t know management and HR like Alison does!

    9. Mints*

      Yes! In addition to what was said, I’m drawn towards sites/blogs with a consistent author. Like even if there’s a theme, if the author once in a while says like “no posts for a week, I’m playing WOW for three days straight/marathoning Hannibal/watching 1D concerts” I like knowing that they’re a real person.

      Also, like Alison said above, the site is really nuanced. Lots of commenters are sort of…pedantic. I can’t think of a positive word of what I mean, but I mean it positively. There are lots of discussions about the grey areas of answers. What makes things okay, or not? It’s more interesting

      1. Fee*

        “I’m drawn towards sites/blogs with a consistent author.”

        THIS. I’ve often sadly stopped reading blogs I used to really enjoy as they’ve got more successful and introduced (or given over the whole site to) other regular bloggers whose voice just doesn’t appeal to me as much. I hate when that happens :(

        1. Ruffingit*

          Same here. I hate it too when the person just stops writing altogether, but promises there will be posts. Either post or don’t, but stop promising you’ll be posting about a certain topic and then you never do.

    10. anon for this*

      Yes! I am SO addicted to this site and its comment area, not just because it’s interesting, but because I’ve learned so much useful stuff that helps me every day.

      So much of the advice here deals with soft skills and unwritten stuff, stuff that isn’t taught in school or in training or in any other structured setting. And so much of the advice that’s given here is, I suspect, the kinds of advice people would LIKE to give to their colleagues, but it’s just too awkward.

      I often read things here that ring very, very true for me and I can act on them and become a better employee as a result. I don’t think I’d be nearly this receptive to this kind of advice from the people I actually work with, even if they were comfortable giving it to me!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Bingo. Real world stuff. It’s the stuff we should have learned at home or in school yet some how missed the memo.

        I have learned more here than I learned in 4 years of college.

        I think people around me are finally starting to get used to me mentioning a story from this blog. I consider it continuing ed.

    11. Jamie*

      It is – and it’s weird. I go through phases with my online habits, daily for a while and dropping off. I’m not big on commitment to online communities – but this one? I’m embarrassed to admit that when I get crazy busy and can’t read I will catch up when I have downtime. I have to read all posts I missed even if the topic isn’t remotely applicable to me, because otherwise I feel like I’m skipping chapters in a book.

      I do feel weird when I post too much, like today – because people who don’t know how my schedule works might think I’m a giant slacker…and then I get irritated with myself for caring what people who don’t know me think…and then I get irritated with myself for disregarding my reputation because that does matter.

      No, I don’t over think things. Why?

      But yeah – and sometimes when someone posts a link to another site I’ll head there thinking maybe I’ll have another place to amuse myself…but my interest isn’t sustained.

      One strange collateral benefit/weirdness is irl I will chime in with little facts about best practices in other industries with which I’ve never had contact. And I was once asked why I know about the differences between ours and California labor law and I said learning about labor laws was a hobby.

      Yes, I am a dork – and when I say things that that it just confirms it for everyone.

      1. Colette*

        I’m actually disappointed when I come back from vacation and read threads that are a week old – because it’s too old for me to sensibly comment.

        And I can talk knowledgeably about US labor law, even though I don’t work in the US.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I’m taking my computer with me on vacation–I can’t live without AAM, my chat, and of course I’ll be blogging. :)

          Given that I also plan to write another book this summer and hopefully will get my critique back, I’ll probably be editing too. >_<

          1. Colette*

            I always take a computer with me – but internet isn’t always available (or free), so I don’t tend to check in often. Plus I’m on vacation and my focus is elsewhere.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              I’m pretty sure I can find wireless in London, and I made absolutely sure my B&B in Cardiff has it. It will probably be only a couple of times a week that I need it to blog, but I’m also addicted. >_<

              1. Colette*

                You’ll definitely find it, but the speed may be an issue depending on where you’re staying. The hotel I stayed at in London last year was ridiculously slow.

        2. Chinook*

          I actually like reading AAM for the US labour law because it has given me useful insight when working in a Canadian subsidiary of an American company (which has happenned twice). Knowing that what I think is just odd or unfair is actually standard in the U.S. makes it easier to take. And, more importantly, knowing that something would also be unacceptable in the U.S. means I can push back without wondering about the cultural implications.

      2. Chinook*

        Jamie, you are not alone in your dorkhood. I too find myself with information about industries and countries I have no experience in because I read it here. I have learned so much while, at the same time, seen that not all places are as toxic as some of the places I have worked at.

        And this truly is an addiction – since I have started reading AAM, I have moved 3 times and gone through 6 office jobs. My phone number may change but not my love of AAM.

      3. Ruffingit*

        I have to read all posts I missed even if the topic isn’t remotely applicable to me, because otherwise I feel like I’m skipping chapters in a book.

        I thought I was the only one who did this! :)

    12. KJ*

      Count me addicted too. Here’s my theory on why. Alison writes really well so when I read this site, it’s like having a conversation with a friend. It’s entertaining, interesting, personable and often wise. So it doesn’t really matter what the topic is a lot of the time, just like it doesn’t really matter what the topic is when you’re talking with a good friend. I like her voice and what she talks about. And it doesn’t hurt that work stuff is a topic we all have loads of exposure to so it’s personally interesting in that way.

      1. Colette*

        That’s part of it for me, certainly. I like reading blogs by people who are passionate about their job, even if it’s not something I would ever do. The other part is the comment section, because I feel like I know (and like) the people here.

      2. Mints*

        Okay, I have too many opinions about this, but Alison’s voice is important too. She’s plainly just a good writer. But also, in sticky situations, she gives really good scripts. Other websites would just say “Ask for more money in a professional way” and I don’t know what that means. Or like “Talk to a coworker you’re concerned about in a respectful and caring way” and I don’t get it either. She can explain basic things to young people without being condescending

        1. Eden*

          Agreed. I never found another site that gave any advice that intuitively made sense to me. And most were written in that gung-ho, pep-talk kind of style that reminds me of being shunned by cheerleaders.

    14. TL*

      One of the things I like best about this place is how there are lots of very prominent female voices who say lots of great things.

      There are lots of men who also say great things, but I feel like spaces on the internet where women are prominent commentators or contributers and are respected and not harassed are actually pretty difficult to find.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        You found a need and found a way to meet the need. Employees everywhere are having their share of issues, there is very little help for them… unless of course, they come here.

        I have long thought that you are doing more to rebuild our economy than other people who say they are helping. Just my opinion, though.

    16. Ali*

      I definitely do. I am thrilled that I work from home and my company doesn’t monitor my Internet use (we all use our own networks; we don’t log in to a VPN or anything) so I can browse AAM when I need a break or whatever. I think my favorite part is that the advice is good, but it’s also realistic and that Alison doesn’t encourage doing anything borderline insane to get a job. Which is a nice change from everything I heard in college.

    17. Stephanie*

      Uh huh, totally. Most of my friends are very confused by this.

      Alison’s a good writer, plus all her advice makes sense and is so different from career advice sites that just tell you to run to HR or call to follow up on your application.

      I also really like advice columns, in general. Bonus points if the writer’s really honest and straightforward (this is also why I like Dan Savage).

      Also, the comments section. Most comment sections are hopelessly snarky or just make me want to bleach my eyeballs after reading. Not here.

    19. Eden*

      My husband does not get why I’m still reading, even though I finally have a job. I have become somewhat obnoxiously evangelistic about this site to my friends who need this advice.

    20. summercamper*

      I’m horribly, horribly addicted… and looking for more! Does anyone have suggestions of similarly awesome blogs?

    21. bridget*

      Definitely. And I’m not even a regular commenter, just a lurker. Plus, all of my jobs thus far (and for several years into the future) are not the sort of office jobs with managers, HR, negotiated salaries, etc., so the advice is usually not directly relevant to my work life. I am, however, an employment lawyer, so it’s interesting to get a general idea of the day-to-day workings of the companies of clients.

      I think it’s part the fact that advice columns are fun, because crazy things happen to people, and part because there is a fair bit of “how to be a good, reasonable person” advice that applies to everyone. Alison is a great example of one of those people, and so I like reading everything she writes, so I can get continued exposure to people I’d like to be like.

    22. Golden Yeti*

      AAM is my most visited Speed Dial site on my computer. More than Facebook, Twitter, etc.

      I started reading a over a year ago and haven’t stopped. Even days like today when all I have time to do is frantically toss out a question and get back to work, I still try to come back at the end of my day and see what I missed.

      I think one of the main reasons AAM is appealing is because it’s real people going through real situations. A generic career site might give pointers on writing a cover letter (quite possibly bad ones)–and AAM covers that too (not only just with Alison’s experience, but the combined experiences of the community–however, where else are you going to find practical advice on some of those really out there situations Alison’s covered? Probably nowhere. This site runs the gamut: from the ordinary to the Springer-esque. Nobody is excluded, and that’s awesome.

      (Just realized I should probably clarify…I am the poster formerly known as non-gravatar JustMe. I decided to change my posting name in deference to the JustMe with gravatar. You can’t trump a gravatar.)

    23. Littlemoose*

      Um, yes. So addicted. I read the short answer posts with my cereal every morning, and check Feedly during the day when I need a mental break from the task at hand. And I am also big on telling other people to come read this site. A friend of mine is having a lot of work issues and is looking for a new position, and the advice I give her is so heavily informed by what I have learned here – and I keep telling her to read the site itself, of course.

      Part of my love for this site is probably attributable to my love of advice columns in general. But, like everyone else who has commented here, I really dig the community and the practicality of the advice Alison dispenses. Today I was behind on a project and couldn’t detour to the open thread in good conscience, and I hated feeling like I was missing out!

    24. MJ*

      I also read this most mornings. Reading other people’s questions, thinking through my own possible advice, mentally agreeing or disagreeing with others’ answers, sometimes being surprised by other perspectives, learning about topics that are new to me, seeing what topics light a fire in me… It’s brain exercise that gets me ready for the day, thinking laterally about the range of employment issues before focusing on the issues that are on my own plate. Much appreciated, Alison!

    25. JessA*

      I can’t tell you how many times I’ll be getting ready for bed and I’ll think that if I just stay up a few more minutes (or another hour or more) there will be a new post up on AAM.

  41. wondering*

    I’m currently working in an entry-level position that I sort of fell into after graduating from college, but before I found this I was interviewing (unsuccessfully) for a bunch of administrative aide positions. I always got stuck on the questions about why I wanted the position and where I saw myself in five years.

    The REAL answers were, respectively, “I’m a college grad with bills to pay, and this is all I’m qualified for at the moment” and “having finished my MA and working somewhere else.” I honestly don’t remember the answers I gave, but what SHOULD I have said?

    1. CollegeAdmin*

      Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Here’s some ideas for answers for those questions:

      Why do you want this position?
      Talk about why you want to work for that company – sidestep the position part of the question. So for example, let’s say I was interviewing for a receptionist position at a medical company: “I’m really interested in working for YourCompany because of how groundbreaking their research is in the medical field. I was just reading an article the other day on your new Whatsit machine and thought it sounded really interesting.” Alternatively, if pressed to answer about the specific position: “I’m not really sure what I want to focus on in my career at this point, but I think admin work is a great place to start for anyone, since you get to learn so much about different parts of a company and do some ‘behind the scenes’ work to see what keeps a company going.”

      Where do you see yourself in five years?
      I’m a big fan of answering this question with “I’m not sure” if you truly aren’t; you just have to phrase it well. Example: “Honestly, I’m not sure – coming out of college, I’m a little at sea in terms of what I’d like to do in the long term. But for now, I’d like to start here at YourCompany, since I think being an admin can let me explore the kinds of fields I could go into; I know you have several departments like marketing and research that I haven’t ever heard much about.”

      (OMG, you have a wug as your avatar! I majored in linguistics in college :) )

      1. wondering*

        These are great answers! I was asking because I was asked by someone who’s now in that position, and I didn’t really know what to tell her!

        (And I majored in linguistics, too! I was more of a syntax/semantics person than a psycholinguistics enthusiast, but the wug is so cuuuuute)

  42. Xay*

    I was in the odd position where I was ok with my job, although a little bored, concerned about the future of the company I work for and getting concerned that there is no career track for me to move up within my current company. Then within the last month, I got recruited for a more challenging job with better pay and benefits while my current company switched to an unacceptable medical plan and my on site supervisor has started throwing me under the bus at an alarming rate.

    I’ve never seen a possible escape hatch open before I wanted it. It’s strange. It’s put me in the strange position of going from where I was just exploring the possiblility of leaving because the position did sound really interesting but not being completely sold to trying not to want the position too much because things have changed so much at work.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Not sure- so you took the new job?

      Maybe you didn’t get an offer yet. Alison says to pretend you never applied and keep looking around.

      I hope things land well for you.

  43. Loux*

    hi readers, maybe you can help me. How do you deal with a moody boss? i never know if my boss will come to the office in a good mopd. When is bad is BAD! Better get put of the way.

    1. Esra*

      What kind of bad mood? Like tantrums, silent treatment, needs space, something else?

      1. Loux*

        silent treatment most of the time or will answer you very tersely if you have a question.

        1. Esra*

          I guess for that I’d just try and roll with it. It isn’t personal, just a lack of professionalism on their part.

    2. Bend & Snap*

      I actually used to start making fun of my former boss for this and it lightened him up. “Uh oh, Monday Bob is in the house” etc.

    3. Dang*

      I used to have a very moody boss, and we shared an office. It was.. interesting. I learned to tell right away by her body language, and even the way she greeted me in the morning if she was in a bad mood…

      And honestly, I would just avoid her as much as I could on those days. No chit chat, just a cheerful hello and pretending to be absorbed in work. A few times she would get snippy with me over NOTHING but I just tried my best to ignore it and not take it personally, because I knew the next day she’d be sunny again..

      1. Dang*

        Oh, and compile a list of questions so you could ask them at once if possible. Limits interaction.. haha

    4. Not So NewReader*

      It could be new job time.

      I have had luck using sincerity: “Gee, boss, you seem upset. Can I help with something specific?”

      I have luck with diversion: One boss loved, loved, loved pets. I could get her talking about pets and the nasties would go away.

      But honestly, it worked into a baby-sitting job. I had to monitor the boss’ mood. Forecast which way the wind was blowing today. This became twice the effort than the job itself.

      Just as bosses should not mollycoddle us, we shouldn’t have to bend to their every mood.

    5. Cautionary tail*

      My SO had a coworker that had multiple personalities. One was sweet & innocent, another was a completely different person who had a different name and mannerisms, and the third was effectively Satan’s daughter. So before going into her office you always had to check with others to see which personality was sitting at her desk at the moment.

  44. Bend & Snap*

    I am having trouble with a coworker. She is not only lazy, she actively tries to get out of work. She’s handling a project for me (per our boss) while I’m overloaded and she’s blowing it. She informed me that she was busy with other things so some things on my project might slip through the cracks, and is now actively dodging people asking her for time sensitive updates.

    My name is on this project. I’ve already elevated to my boss and she addressed it but nothing has changed. Colleagues are also coming to me to tell me that this person is shoving work off on to them, making mistakes that’s costing them time they don’t have, etc. I’m not a manager but I’m the most senior person on the team so people bring this stuff to me when they don’t want to go to the bosses.

    So–do I elevate again? I’ve addressed as many times as I can at the only level I can. This is going to impact my project and possibly my reputation.

    1. fposte*

      Back to the boss, and maybe come with proposals. Do you want her off the project and for the work to be redistributed? Ask for that.

      1. fposte*

        Sorry, hit Submit too soon. Make it clear that the redistribution is because she herself has said that she can’t make it a priority and is having trouble delivering on time, not just because she’s baaaad.

    2. The Real Ash*

      I would be repeatedly all over the boss, and I would make my coworkers go to the boss as well. If it’s just you complaining about her, it could be brushed aside as a possible personality conflict. But if everyone is having the exact same problem with her, and they are letting the boss know, then something will [hopefully] be done about it.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, if they are letting the boss know.

        Please be sure to redirect your coworkers to you boss. Don’t let yourself become their dumping ground for their frustrations.

        “Oh, I am sorry to hear that about Sally. Did you mention that to Boss? Really, she’s the only one who can fix this situation.”

  45. Liz*

    How do you stay positive while job searching? Laid off in December due to a loss of clients. I was last in, so first out. In a rather closed industry, real estate related. Since December I have sent out over 60 resumes, for all types of work. Almost no responses, very few interviews. My unemployment is up the end of June. I am getting ready to try to sell my house before I get foreclosed on. I am soo discouraged and depressed. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

    1. nep*

      Wishing you strength and courage in this rough patch. You never know when and where a door will open. You’ve likely gotten through tough times in the past, and you’ll do it again. Keep taking care of yourself — it will help in every way.

    2. Sunflower*

      I also feel for you. It’s an incredibly difficult time. Are you stressed more about money or about finding a a job(if that makes sense)? If you’re stressed about money, maybe finding a part time job, even if it’s only a couple hours a week, will help you feel more in control of your financial situation. If you’re more stressed about finding another job, just remember that work and jobs aren’t everything and as long as you can eat and put a roof over your head, you’ll be fine.

      I’d just suggest looking back through other open threads for advice on this. I feel like there is always good words of encouragement. They’re really long so I’d also suggest using the ‘find’ option on your browser.

      1. Liz*

        I have tried applying for part time jobs, no luck on that even so far. I just filled out an application for IHOP today. I am at the point that so long as it is legal & honest, I will take the job.
        I have tried temp agencies as well, and no feed back from them either. It is now more about money. My mortgage is paid ahead by a few months, but the end of June, I will have to come up with the July payment.
        I am just so frustrated. Everything is online, no one seems to want to bother to see the face behind the applicant.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      So many people still in this boat. Am shaking my head. Am having my own issues regarding my house.

      Sending positive energy your way and hoping for a miracle for you.

      The only thing that I have ever found of any help is going to sound trite and, okay, kind of stupid. Turn around and help someone else with a problem they are having. It’s the only thing I have ever found that has consistently lighten my load over the years.

      Counter-intuitive. yep.

  46. thenoiseinspace*

    So I just discovered this company and now I want to share with everyone! You know how people are starting to 3D print food? This company is selling 3D printed candy! There are sour candies and peppermints and OMG I WANT THEM. http://cubify.com/Store/Design/GWJ43Q2W6R

    They also do printed guitars (the spider one, holy crap!) and lighting and furniture and shoes…this is so cool! I love technology! :D

    2. Diet Coke Addict*

      I work for a company that represents Cubify!

      I’ve had their printed candy. I hate to admit it, but it’s….not terrific candy. It tastes a lot like you’d expect candy to taste from being extruded through a tube and sitting for a while!

      1. thenoiseinspace*

        That’s so cool! You should tell them to put some videos up – I was showing my boss the printed guitars (she’s a guitar lover) and she was questioning the sound quality. We’d both love to see and hear the guitars/drums in action.

        As for the quality – yeah, I kinda figured they wouldn’t taste great. I’m okay with that, though – I mean, ten years ago, printing out food was just an idea on Star Trek, and now we’ve essentially got the early versions of replicators! NASA’s even reportedly working on one that prints pizza! It will take a while for it to actually taste good, I’m sure, but I just find this whole concept so supremely awesome that I want to support it anyway. :D

        3. Elizabeth West*

          Yes, replicators! That was literally the first thing I thought when they started talking about those things.

          I still want a holodeck, though. REALLY REALLY BADLY.

    3. LadyB*

      And this is why I love AAM!

      Where else would I find out about printable candy and Wugs?!

  47. KAS*

    To Whomever recommended Tea Forte’s Belgian Mint on one of the threads this week —thank you, thank you, thank you!! Delicious tea happiness for a Friday AM.

  48. Rayner*

    Alison (AskAManager) What’s the turn around time for questions emailed in to being published? Just curious, as I know you queue up posts in advance, and there’s no dates on the letters themselves.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      It varies wildly. Sometimes it gets answered the next day, sometimes it’s more than a month later (and sometimes it’s never, unfortunately, because I’m answering 7-8 questions a day here but receiving 40+ daily). Short answer ones are usually within a week and nearly always within two weeks. Questions I’m going to use for a stand-alone post sometimes have a longer lag time (although if something grabs me on the spot, it can be immediate). But I have a long backlog of questions that I’m excited to answer at some point, and some of them are embarrassingly old.

      1. Just thanks*

        Alison — I never said thank you, but you answered an e-mail from me about a salary negotiation within hours and it gave me the confidence to ask for more money the next day. The company agreed to the higher number you suggested.

      2. Rayner*

        See, I like knowing all this behind the scenes stuff for blogs. I’m just phenomenally nosy, I think, but it’s definitely interesting stuff. I hope you don’t get too bogged down in them all!

  49. I Love Books*

    How do I tell my boss I’m pregnant in a few weeks? I’m sure it’ll be fine. However, it’s a bit odd because I’m not married and not seriously dating anyone (it was planned). What should I discuss at that time?

    1. Bend & Snap*

      I don’t think anything except you’re expecting, you’re excited, you’re planning to return to work post baby (if that’s true) and you’ll connect on maternity leave planning at a later date.

      Congratulations!

    3. Jen*

      I’ve had to give that talk twice to two different bosses. I like to make sure they realize that I’m going to keep my doctor appointments scheduled at the start or the end of the day as much as I can and that I’m happy to develop a transition plan on how duties can be covered when I am on leave.

    4. Sunflower*

      I would follow all the regular advice on this site about telling a boss you’re pregnant. Don’t let the fact that you’re not married or seriously dating affect the way you tell him. Congrats!

      1. I Love Books*

        Thanks!! I knew that. I do know that he’ll be curious, but not say that (I would be too). Anyway, I’ll let you guys know how it went. :-)

  50. Anna*

    I’m in this weird spot where I’m technically a manager (I’m on the management team, go to the management meetings, I just don’t actually manage any staff) but I work on occasion with a counterpart at our satellite location who is NOT a manager. I don’t think he realizes I’m a manager and because of this, I’m now in this weird position where I’ve had conversations with him that indicate he’s not super happy with his lot and finds the work boring. He’s a newish hire and still in his probationary period, he’s getting his work done, but we work in an environment where you need to roll with things and move on (something I have struggled with myself). I’m not entirely sure what my obligation is as a manager. Do I need to give my boss a head’s up about his issues or let it go and assume if there’s a problem it’ll be seen?

    It’s part of a larger issue that I seem to see, which is people not being aware of my status and gossiping with me as if I’m one of the gang and will agree that crazy management is crazy. I work very hard not to get sucked in to the complaints and gripes (not perfect there, but not terrible either), but I’m not sure how to handle people saying things to me or around me that they wouldn’t say in front of other managers.

    1. Bend & Snap*

      I think you need to speak to him, maybe in a mentorship-type way. Tell him you’re on the management team, and urge him to talk to his boss about how he’s doing and whether he’s ready to take on more interesting projects.

      Otherwise I think if managers dress or carry themselves a certain way it would help to align to that, and if not, just urge them to talk to their managers to resolve issues, making it clear that you’re on the management team and are invested in happy employees.

    2. MaryMary*

      This kind of came up in an earlier post regarding a negative coworker, but I’d ask the newish hire (and other folks) to help you understand if they’re just venting, or if they are looking for you to do something. It’s a subtle reminder to them that you are a manager and might be able to help them, but also a way to set up boundaries.

  51. ser4ph1m*

    Long-time lurker, first-time poster here.
    So, my husband is stuck in a dead-end job, no options for advancement, no raises, no benefits, and issues with the management. Basically he desperately needs a new job. He really drags his feet with job-hunting, seems to be convinced that if he doesn’t have a connection that he *can’t* get that position, downplays all of his strengths, etc. (I honestly wonder if he’s dealing with some level of depression but he’s not interested in seeing a therapist either).
    Any suggestions on how to encourage him? I’m at a loss!

    1. Esra*

      A first step might be seeing a counselor or therapist together? It does sound like he’s pretty down about job hunting.

      1. ser4ph1m*

        I would be willing but at that point it feels like I’m his mom, dragging him to an appointment he doesn’t want to go to. Though I’ll ask him if that’s something he would prefer, thank you. ^_^

        1. Esra*

          I was in a long-term relationship with a guy who had depression and OCD issues. It is definitely hard to avoid feeling like a mom. But for him at least, going through the therapy steps as a couple initially helped.

        2. ella*

          I would tell him you’re concerned and ask him what he would like you to do. If he is depressed (even if it’s just because of the situation he’s stuck in, and not something more long-term/biochemical), often the logistics and time-consuming nature–not to mention the uncertain outcome and feelings of futility that can happen in the best of times–can make something like job hunting seem impossible. Same with seeking therapy: he may want it or acknowledge that he needs it, but the expense, the time of searching for a therapist, of maybe having to go to multiple therapists until you find one you get along with–those are all big tasks for anyone, much less someone who’s not at the top of their game. Maybe if you help him with resumes and cover letters, he’ll be willing to spend time browsing classifieds and pointing out ads that sound interesting. Some people need help to share the load when they’re depressed; some people need space to get through on their own. You know better than us which he is. Best of luck to you both.

        3. ella*

          A therapist would probably also be able to advise you on how to help while avoiding feeling like a parent, for whatever that’s worth.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Ask him what he thinks he can do. Tell him it’s a quality of life issue for him. Unfairly, he’s the number one person that can bail himself out. (This is hard when you feel like you are being kicked in the teeth repeatedly.) Ask him what he thinks he can do with some modest success. Be low key in your tone of voice and word choice.

      “I think this is a bummer for you and it is beginning to impact your life. Your life isn’t going like you thought. What do you think you can do that might be helpful for you?”

      IF he manages to pick something- say something positive, encouraging. If you don’t like the idea, he may find something else in the process of following up on his first idea. Play it by ear.

  52. anon in tejas*

    I just got my annual review, and a small (3%) raise! I was a bit anxious about it, because I have a new boss. But I am happy it went well.

    happy friday yall.

  53. a.n.o.n.*

    For anyone who has followed my saga througout the open threads, this is about the company I turned down and then realized I took the wrong job about a week after I started the new job at another company.

    So would it be stalkerish of me to attend an event at the company I want to work for that’s open to the public (t’s advertised on their website)? The CEO would definitely be there and it’s a very small company so no chance of missing him. I would want to just say hello and see how things are going for the company. Not to ask for the job, but to just keep me in his mind, hopefully.

    It’s killing me to wait a few more weeks to actually call him about the job. (A couple months ago he said we would speak about the job again “in a couple months,” and that’s around mid-May.)

      1. Sunflower*

        As long as you don’t hound anyone about jobs. Keep it about whatever the event is for or to talk about the company in general

      2. a.n.o.n.*

        No, it’s definitely not to stalk. :) Just to keep me at the top of his mind. And also to really see how their plans are going.

        I ran into someone at an event last week who talks to the CEO occasionally and WORKED for him at one point. She emailed the guy to say, “hey I bumped into Jane and I heard you’re talking about possible opportunities. She’s awesome and you should hire her.” He replied that he “loves,” me, but I turned him down for two different jobs. She wrote back and said maybe third time is the charm. Hopeful! It’s small, but it feels HUGE to me! So miserable at this current job.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Not stalkerish because this is a public event, where it is expected that many people will show up for all different reasons.
      I caught HR at a job fair once this way. I could not have cared less about the job fair. I was just there because I found out that HR would be there.

      Stalking is invading people’s private spaces without an invitation. And doing so repeatedly. Additionally, the motives are not above board. None of this describes your setting.

      1. a.n.o.n.*

        Thanks! Now I just need to work up the nerve to go. So unlike me to feel nervous like this.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Practice what you want to say until you are bored to pieces by the practice. Then GO.
          It is surprising how modestly we can “perform” and still impress. I would have given myself maybe a “B” or a “B-” for how I did with that HR person. I got a very cool reference from a former boss and I got the job.

          1. a.n.o.n.*

            Good news…I got a call from the CEO. No update right now, but at least I can go to the event and not feel weird.

  54. Antonymous*

    How did you choose/find/settle on/discover your career path? I’m a recent grad about a year out of college, trying to figure out what I want to do in the wide field of “something to do with literature and/or linguistics,” and I was curious about how other people have figured out what they wanted to do with themselves.

    1. Sunflower*

      I’m still a relatively new grad(out 3 years). I graduated with a hospitality degree(knew I didn’t want to do it), took a job doing it anyway and quit after 8 months. In my major, I realized I was interested in event planning and marketing so I took a part-time marketing job and then transitioned into an event planning role at my current company. I’m thinking my next move I want to be a little more into project management and communications. While I’m interested in this now, I’m not sure I want to do this forever. Eventually I might want to get more into writing or content management or maybe strategy.

      I don’t think people pick or settle on a career path. It seems like a lot of people end up doing things they had not ever expected or planned to do. I think it’s important to try new things and pay attention to what interest and excites you and what you don’t care for. You might find in a couple years you’re interested in something totally different than you were 4 years ago. There are SO MANY jobs out there that I didn’t know ever existed until I started getting involved in the actual working world.

      Also, I think you will find a lot of people very late into their career who will tell you they still don’t know what they want to be when they grow up.

    2. Eden*

      I shouldn’t be handing out advice, seeing as how I’m 45 and have not had anything like a traditional career path, but here it is anyway: keep your eyes open, wherever you are now. The parts of your job you enjoy and are good at will help you identify what you want for the future. Being out in the world will offer you a view of other jobs and entire fields you were previously unaware of. You’ll meet people who will introduce you to things you’re interested in. Mostly, just look around. So many people start into work and keep their gaze focused on just what’s right in front of them.

    3. Windchime*

      I fell into mine. I was doing billing tasks at a company and they were just getting an IT department going. I thought I wanted to go into desktop support, so I started taking some classes at the local community college. One of the required courses was a C++ programming course and I loved it. I changed to the programming track and never looked back.

      I didn’t figure out what I wanted to do until I was in my very late 30’s.

  55. PitaChips*

    (Random anon name for this one)

    I don’t like my job anymore. I hate the people I work for, I’m given too many things to do, priorities shift all the time with no warning, and I’m underpaid and under-titled (if that makes sense). Plus, there’s some serious bad politics going on within my department and bad signs in the company (several higher-ups and long-time folks have suddenly left).

    I can’t leave, though – I’ve been here just over a year, which isn’t that long of a time, and I’m currently in grad school. The company has a generous tuition remission program that makes it so I can afford to go, and I’ll definitely be looking to leave in 18 months when I finish my degree.

    While I work on just getting through the next year and a half, does anyone have any advice on cutting down on the complaining that I do with my coworkers? I know I shouldn’t, but I just get super frustrated and end up venting (quietly, to just a few trusted people who also occasionally vent, but still).

    1. Lucy*

      I’m in a similar boat, and it can be really difficult to tough it out. I just passed the year mark at my company, which means I’ve just become eligible for tuition reimbursement, but I’m itching to get out! Are there any transfer opportunities available? If not, I would try to focus on your future and the fact that this job is allowing you to pursue a higher degree (and eventually into a new role soon). And, it sounds like you realized that venting doesn’t make you feel better- if you have time, take a nice lunch, bring a book, buy yourself a coffee and sit outside. I really feel that spending quality solo time can do wonders for my attitude!

    2. Elizabeth West*

      You know what I did? I vented–in Notepad. I had a flash drive and every time I felt the need to vent, I stuck it in and just UNLOADED. Then I saved the textdocs to the drive and at the end of the day, took it home with me. No one could see what I was doing and it really let me get it all out so I didn’t do it verbally.

      Just make absolutely sure you take it home with you EVERY day.

    3. MJ*

      While we all need to vent occasionally, when you vent in the workplace you are actually contributing to the negative energy you are complaining about. Choose a higher road. Make your goal for the next 18 months to improve the tenor of your workplace by being a positive force. Be the one who brings a wildflower bouquet into the lunchroom, who notices the grumpy admin’s new haircut, who changes her gravatar every other day just to keep people guessing…

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Realize that your venting is almost surely making you more unhappy. Chronic complaining has a way of making you less happy, and making the things you’re complaining about seem even worse. Vow not to complain for four weeks — that’s not very long, after all — and see if you feel any different at the end of it.

  56. Darth Admin*

    In early!

    I’m looking for a script. I have an employee who takes a lot of personal calls, usually from family but sometimes from friends too. I don’t mind a few calls – e.g. the one from her son each afternoon where he tells her he’s arrived home safely from school – but it’s getting to be a lot.

    I’m having a hard time with this for a few reasons. First, how to quantify how many calls are is too many. Second, she has her own office but her voice carries, so unless she shuts her door I hear her. Third, how to stop judging which calls are reasonable and which aren’t.

    Her work product is good but there are times when she will miss a noncritical deadline and I find myself wondering if she could have made it if not for the number of personal calls. She’s pretty new so I don’t have any other experience with her to measure against.

    So I need to say something to her about the calls, but I’m looking for a script to make it clear that a few calls are ok, but the current level is distracting. I should add that we work very closely and she has a bit of “PTSD” from her prior toxic work environment, so I need to balance firm and gentle.

    Suggestions, AAM Nation?

    2. anon in tejas*

      I would suggest starting the conversation with something that you’ve posted here…

      I appreciate your good work product, but it is not always consistent. In observing the past few weeks/months, I wonder if it is because I have seen quite a few personal calls.

      And then I’d talk about some specific examples.

      I would then talk about the personal calls. What is bothersome? seeing her on her phone, door closed, carrying voice, going through office receptionist, appearance of nonprofessional (not focused on work at hand, checking phone/taking calls when other people are in her office, etc.).

      And then try to come with strategies around if necessary. If she has a situation that warrants her being on her cell (i.e. family in hospital, etc), then let her know to let you know. If not, put limits out there.

      Reassure that she is doing a good job, but that this is an issue that needs to be addressed.

      Those are my suggestions. Take or leave them. They may not be 100% the best, but a starting place?

  57. Chocolate Addict*

    Does it look bad on a résumé when you are a “jack of all trades”? I do a number of different things in my role (graphic design, admin, etc).

    1. Esra*

      Are you primarily a designer or an admin? For a lot of designers, it’s a good thing if you have supplementary skills like programming, illustration, excel/admin, etc. I’m sure an admin with an understanding of the adobe suite would come in pretty handy too.

      1. Daisy*

        Mainly designer but I’m actually trying to get away from that because it’s not my passion (and I had no design experience starting). I am pursuing more of the finance/accounting path that I learned here. In that case, would it help or hurt to put the design experience?

      2. Chocolate Lover*

        Mainly designer but I’m actually trying to get away from that because it’s not my passion (and I had no design experience starting). I am pursuing more of the finance/accounting path that I learned here. In that case, would it help or hurt to put the design experience?

        2. Esra*

          If you’re trying to get away with it and pursuing the finance side of things, I’m not sure it would help very much. It’s one thing to pull an admin on to assist with design, but it would be strange for most places to want their finance/account people to be spending time on that kind of work.

    2. Elle D*

      I don’t think it looks bad at all, however I would recommend emphasizing one skill over the other depending on what type of job you’re applying for. If you’re applying to admin roles, talk about those responsibilities and accomplishments and maybe only mention the graphic design in one bullet, and visa versa if you were applying to graphic design jobs. Good luck!

    3. HAnon*

      What kind of job are you applying to? I’ve done both (graphic design, office admin, account management, etc) and I had two separate resumes when I was job hunting. One for more traditional jobs (where I emphasized the account management stuff) and one for creative work (where I emphasized all of the graphic design, creative, copywriting etc that I had done…and then I used the other stuff as a footnote in my favor. “I’m a full-time designer, but my experience with Account Manager has really given me insight into communicating with our clients and understanding their needs in a way that really enhances the design process…” etc. It depends on the job you’re applying for and the company. If you want to get hired in a marketing department of a small business, those extra hats you wear will be in your favor. But if you’re applying to an ad firm or something like that, you’ll want to really hone in on what it is you’re really wanting to do, to show them you have a sense of direction and you’re specialized in your field. Good luck :)

  58. Esra*

    One week into post-layoff unemployment.

    I’ve set some rules for myself:
    1. No sleeping past 9:30.
    2. No going more than 2 days without showering.
    3. Must go outside for at least 5 minutes daily.
    4. Must put on one of: bra, proper pants, clean shirt, every day.

    So far so good, and I have a maybe job lead. I really, really hope I find something before my severance and savings run out. =\

    1. Sunflower*

      Something I got sucked into when I was unemployed was I was so focused on trying to stay busy, I forgot to relax. Let yourself have a weekend and watch movies sometimes. It’s great that you’ve set goals just remember that like in job, you would need downtime if you wanted to stay sane!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This. I did job stuff during the week, and just like when I was working, NONE on the weekend (except the weekly unemployment data entry on Sunday night).

    2. Bryan*

      Those are great rules. See if there is a free class you can take or can volunteer somewhere close by just to have something. Also you didn’t mention unemployment, it sounds like you’re eligible so you should apply.

      1. Esra*

        I’ve applied, but with 3 months of severance it’ll be a long while before I see any.

        1. Bryan*

          That’s good. It might take awhile so it’s good to just get the ball rolling. I know from my own experience that they needed documentation that was not listed anywhere on the website and I had to call in. Luckily I had the time.

        3. Anon for this*

          At my old job, I had a 20 week severance package. When I signed up for unemployment, I was told that I could start receiving unemployment right away, the severance pay didn’t matter. I had multiple meetings at the UE office over those six months, and raised the issue several times. If I were you, I’d verify that your state doesn’t allow “double-dipping”. No sense in leaving potential money on the table!

          1. Esra*

            I’m in Ontario. Any earnings you have negatively impact the amount of EI you can collect.

    3. Colette*

      When I was laid off, I made a point of going to a class at the gym every weekday. There were two reasons for that: it got me out of the house, and it gave me a set deadline to get stuff done. (I.e. I have to write this cover letter before I go to the gym.)

      You might want to find something like that, if you need that external motivation to accomplish things.

      And yes, enjoy the leisure time a little. (I was worried that I’d never be able to get a job that didn’t allow me an afternoon nap, but I adjusted when I got a job.)

    5. Kelly L.*

      I had to set a limit for the number of Law and Order reruns I could watch. :D

    6. MaryMary*

      When I was unemployed, I gave myself a quota for the number of jobs I applied for a day/week. It helped me feel like I accomplished at least one thing a day, and made me keep putting myself out there when I got discouraged. The job I currently have is one where I felt I would be a long shot based on the description, but I applied for it to meet my quota. :-)

  59. Daisy*

    Request for positive thoughts please! Feeling stuck and frustrated at work and need to muster up the strength to search :(

    1. nep*

      You have what it takes, first off. Even if it might not ‘feel’ like it right now, you are the strength you’re seeking. One quite positive thing — you’ll be job-searching while already employed, even if it’s at a job that’s got you frustrated. All the best to you.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Don’t make it huge.

      Can you do one hour say once a week? Then build up from there.
      For example you could be doing your 1 hour and suddenly see three jobs to apply for. Energized you spend a bit each night until you complete the application process for each.

  60. Who are you?*

    I am having an issue with a co-worker. She sits across from me and has some of the grossest personal habits that I’ve ever had to deal with. For example, she stuffs tissues into her nostrils instead of blowing her nose and then leaves them there because “it feels good”. She flosses her teeth at her desk with those floss pick things and then spends the afternoon chewing on the floss pick itself. She eats at her desk and insists on talking to me with a mouth stuffed full of food. It’s gross.
    I’ve tried ignoring it, but we are in a position where we share information, so when I hear her call my name and turn to look at her only to find tissues shoved up the nose, it’s hard to ignore. Our manager works off site. Any ideas beyond telling her “Well, that’s certainly gross” (which I’ve actually said!)??

    1. Sascha*

      Do you interact with clients at all? Having tissues stuffed up your nose and chewing on flossing picks is not really a professional look.

      Aside from that, not sure what to say…it’s certainly gross. Doesn’t sound very hygenic either. Maybe approach it from the office well being standpoint?

    2. cuppa*

      No advice, but I just gagged to myself a little when I read the tissue thing. Ugh.

    3. The Real Ash*

      How do you think she would react if you had a visible reaction every time you saw her do a gross thing? For example, you turn around and she has tissues in her nose, so you make a grossed-out face, turn around quickly and talk to her without looking at her? It is definitely passive-aggressive (I will totally cop to this), but maybe she really doesn’t know how badly her disgusting behavior bothers you. If she asks what’s wrong–with a mouthful of food–I would be honest and say, “I’m sorry but X just grosses me out.”

      1. Who are you?*

        I do make the grossed out face and turn away. Not so much to be passive-aggressive but because it’s gross and I can’t look at her while she’s chomping on a floss pick or sitting there with tissues up her nose. I’ve actually said that I thought what she was doing was gross and unprofessional. Her response was that she didn’t care, that we work in a small office (which is part of a world wide company) and nobody sees her.

    4. Sunflower*

      Tissues up the nose don’t sound so much gross as more amusing. It reminds me of high school when people would get hurt in sports and they’d stick tampons cut in half in their noses.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I have heard of EMTs using pads on large gashes. It works well in a pinch.

        3. anon333*

          Former student athletic trainer here. . . this is (was) a thing. We also shot them out of our noses at each other if it was really slow.

    5. Sydney*

      It sounds like you’ve made yourself clear and she just doesn’t care. I think the only things you can really do next are to be more direct and ask/tell her to stop (which might not work anyway) or talk to management. Is there any way you could move desks, offices, something so you don’t have to be near her most of the time? Can you talk about a no food at our desks rule because of bugs rule?

      Personally, I don’t think any of those things is that gross. (if she actually gets chewed up food on you or your things, that’s different, but if she’s just getting it on her own things…) You can’t borrow from or lend pens to my current boss because they have been/will be in his mouth. He’s also a talks-with-his-mouth-open kinda guy, which I find more disgusting in a restaurant than at work because I’m also trying to eat. (I only get squicked out when I’m eating, so I’m lucky there.)

      As evidenced by the short answer post this morning, some people are grossgrossgross and sometimes there’s not much you can do about it. If you want to get into passive aggressive crap, you could always hand sanitize yourself and/or spray Lysol near you/her areas when she does something particularly gross. But you would have to be careful and not go overboard, or you risk her complaining about you to management.

      1. Sydney*

        Yeah, actually I don’t recommend that at all, even in jest. Please don’t do that; you’ll be worse than your gross coworker if you become the Lysol Police.

    6. Littlemoose*

      Uh, that is revolting. I don’t have any better suggestions for you, but I will totally validate your disgustedness, because EW.

  61. Persephone Mulberry*

    No question, just a vent. The past week has been insane. INSANE. I took last Friday off from work, and was super excited to have a low-key, no-responsibility day off. Except then my landlord called asking if he could do a walkthrough on Saturday so I spent the entire day cleaning my house.

    And after the walkthrough, LL dropped the bomb that he’s selling our duplex and gave us our 30 days’ notice – actually he verbally told us 60 days, but the paperwork says 30. That was a lovely surprise in Tuesday’s mail.

    My every waking moment (and many of my sleeping moments) for the past 6 days has been focused on looking for houses, looking AT houses, and getting moving estimates. If the house we’re looking at tomorrow doesn’t pan out, we’re going to have to up our budget, which is going to be a hiccup in our down payment saving plan, and/or I should probably give up on the possibility of going to India in January.

    I also have two major school projects due by 5/18 and a summer internship to finalize before June 1. We’ve got a short family vacation planned for the second half of June and boy, will I have earned it.

    /end rant

    1. The Real Ash*

      Please please please check out MovingScam before going with any local company that you don’t know very well. It has a list of scam companies, as well as awesome tips for moving. I’m currently working on a move (luckily the palce is only a mile away from where I live now), but it’s still stressful. Good luck!

      1. Persephone Mulberry*

        Ooh, thanks.

        We want to stay in the same school district, so our move will be short as well.

        1. Shana*

          Do you have a lease at your current place? Having dealt multiple times with houses being sold, and going in to foreclosure, while I was living in them, I’ve become a unwanted expert on tenant rights lol. If there is a lease, usually your lease is protected for its duration. Even if you are month to month though, you still have rights that vary by state on how long they have to give you to move. Most states are 60-90 days.

          1. Persephone Mulberry*

            We are month to month, and in MN it’s 30 days notice. It’s okay, we’ve been kind of half thinking about it anyway, but I would’ve preferred to wait another month until school was out instead of having to juggle moving AND finals in the next three weeks.

  62. SevenSixOne*

    Hey readers!

    I’ve worked full-time for more than a decade and never had a 9-5 job. I don’t know many people who do, so I made a survey about just how “normal” “normal business hours” really are.

    If you are not currently employed, feel free to answer based on any or all of the jobs you’ve had in the past.

    The survey is here and you can see the results when you finish!

    (I hope this doesn’t get banished to spam queue purgatory!)

    1. SevenSixOne*

      ETA: I’m not collecting this info for anything other than my own curiosity

      2. EduStudent*

        Can you let us know the results when you’re done? :) I’d be curious too.

        1. EduStudent*

          Sorry, hit submit too soon. I’m actually starting my first real job this summer, so I can’t really fill it out, which is why I asked to see the results too.

        2. SevenSixOne*

          You can view the results without taking the survey by hitting “Submit” at the bottom :)

    3. C average*

      Interesting survey.

      I’m in a role where 9-5 (well, 7-4, actually) is the minimum.We’re all here during those hours, but we’re also all more or less on call from home in the evenings and weekends.

      It’s nice having a consistent schedule, even if it is a demanding one.

  63. Powerpuff*

    This might be slightly off topic. I’m finding it soooo hard to concentrate at work right now. My partner and I are not quite ready to start trying for a baby, for a lot of reasons including health and finances. But I have a severe case of the baby crazies, and I think about starting a family all day long. I have not done one bit of work today. Anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice?

    1. ser4ph1m*

      Oh I have *been there*! I’ve found that for me, indulging in my planning side (i.e. searching Amazon for baby-stuff, etc.) makes it worse. Sometimes I’ll take a couple of minutes and just list down what I love about the season we’re in right now and also maybe think of little things that we can do now to enjoy the baby-free time (camping, day trips, etc.). Wishing you patience and enjoyment of the now while you’re waiting, I know it’s really tough (still there after 3+ years)!

    2. Ash (the other one!)*

      I’m there with you. We can’t start for a while until I’m settled into a new job (and if I get the one I interviewed for yesterday, its really not conducive to being pregnant). It is really hard though thinking about the fact I’ll be 30 soon and if I want more than one its going to be really difficult if we don’t start trying soon….

      1. ser4ph1m*

        Yup, I turn 29 this summer and want 3 kids… *sigh*
        Though I’ve found a couple different articles stating how you really don’t need to stress about the clock ticking unless you’re planning on trying after 40.

    3. The Real Ash*

      Just remember to start your prenatal vitamins now (like, way way before you even think about conceiving), and also stop doing any bad habits now, to get it all out of your system. And if your husband has any bad habits as well, he should stop at least three months’ before any baby-making times happen (it takes an average of three months for a man to create new sperm). In the mean time, have fun getting all of the rejects out now. ;)

    4. Who are you?*

      I had a case of the baby crazies and the only thing that worked for me was to get pregnant. Now, looking back with the tired eyes of a mom, I wonder if I didn’t try hard enough for another solution. ;)

      I can tell you what I do now…whenever the urge to have another baby comes up on me. (My kids are 9 and 7 so they’re far enough away from babies that I think of that time with nostalgia and longing). I head to Babies R Us and I create a list of all the crap that I would need to have a baby be comfortable in the first year (and no, cute outfits don’t count). Then I mentally pack the bag with all the stuff a baby needs just to leave the house and if my husband is with me, he fills that bag in the store and makes me carry it around! (He doesn’t want anymore kids, LOL) THEN, I start remembering that those cute, squishy little bottoms produce their own variety of not-so-cute and squishy things and that from birth to toilet training I changed about 6-10 diapers A DAY. Then I do the math on that. I’ve never had to do more than that.

      Let me be clear, my kids are the BEST thing I’ve ever done. No job in the world will ever compare to it, however there have been a lot of sacrifices and when the baby crazies hit it seems those rose colored glasses seem to hide the sleepless nights; the lack of time and money; that ability to just pick up and go; the changes that happen in your body, in your family, and at your job. Sometimes taking the glasses off and looking at the reality is just enough to take the edge off of the baby crazies. It never really, fully goes away but with my tricks I’m able to get some work done. :)

  64. DMouse77*

    Long-time reader, first time poster. Just wanted to say hi to everyone – this site and all of your comments have been very helpful in dealing with a lot of work issues, specifically in deciding that it’s time to start looking for a new job after 7 years with my current company. I’m in the situation where I like everything about my job except the job. My boss is fantastic – she is a great manager, has taught me so much professionally, and is also really caring about her staff on a personal level. I have friendly coworkers, a reasonably nice office environment, and good benefits. The biggest issue is that role that the company sees me as filling and is focused on (sales) isn’t what I want to be doing or am good at – my skills and interests are in project management. Plus, there have been some management changes which are affecting some of the flexibility and other things I like about my company. (For example, a new manager who walks around checking whether everyone is in their seat at certain times.) I’ve already had one interview, and even though I didn’t get that position, it confirmed that this is the right step now. It’s a complicated time personally for my family right now and it’s been very comfortable to just stay with what I know, but I’m feeling good about moving on when I find the right position and role.

  65. Allison*

    I started a new job on Monday, and so far so good. However, I’ve heard that to make a good first impression I have to be the first one in and the last one out. Couple problems with that, one being I’m a contractor with my hours capped at 40/week (if I really need to work OT I have to get it approved). Two, even when I get here at 8:15 one guy on my team is already here. 8 hours later at 4:15 he’s still here. I could work a little later than that, but if I worked more than 8 hours per day I’d need to leave early on Friday (unless I had a compelling reason to work overtime) and that certainly wouldn’t look good.

    Basically, do I need to find a way to follow this rule? Will people really judge me if I don’t stay late? People already seem impressed with my work, could that possibly matter more than how much time I spend here?

    1. Allison*

      I should add that this is the first time in a while I’ve had a position where I’m regularly spending full days in an office, after a month of being between jobs and another couple months working from home most of the time, so I’m still re-adjusting my sleep schedule and morning routine. Eventually I may be able to get up early enough to get to work at 8, maybe earlier, but I’m still wondering if it’s really necessary.

    2. fposte*

      It’s not a rule, and don’t worry about it. Just avoid regularly being the last one in or the first one out.

    3. Sunflower*

      Noooooo, Since you’re a contractor, that puts you in a totally different spot. In fact, you might get in trouble for staying late, especially when you don’t need to. Because you’re capped at 40 hours, there’s a good chance they are trying to limit your work load to 40 hrs. The guy who’s there all day? Yea they’re probably throwing loads of work on him if he’s exempt and they don’t have to pay him overtime. Or he’s trying to prove a point to the rest of the staff about how hard of a worker he is (a whole nother story). Maybe in a week or two, check in with your boss and ask, in general, if everything is going okay and if he’s cool with how everything has been going. If he gives you a hard time about staying late, ask how many additional hours he’s looking for you to work. I doubt he’s going to expect it though. Don’t worry about other people! they aren’t judging your performance or paying your salary.

      1. Sunflower*

        Also remember that you just started and there’s a chance your workload is going to get a little heaver as time goes on. I was hella bored the first month of my job and by the 3rd month, I was swamped.

        1. Anonymint*

          This comment alone makes me feel better – I’m a little over a month into my new job, and everyone here is so busy and I feel like I have so much free time. They keep telling me not to worry about it “just wait for a few months!”, but I still feel bad.

      2. Allison*

        thanks for the feedback. I just hear a lot about how in order to make a good first impression, everything I do has to be extraordinary and I have to seem twice as dedicated as anyone else. or, I dunno, they’ll fire me the second week or something.

        1. Colette*

          I agree this is not something you need to worry about. Just put in your full hours and work hard while you’re there.

        2. Sunflower*

          Yes that sounds like stuff my parents would say. Every office is different but people LOVE to get into wars about who’s busiest, who stayed the latest and I think most of the time other people are secretly thinking ‘what the heck are these people doing the whole time they’re here?’ Honestly, if you are the first one in and last one out, unless you are one of the highest people on the totem pole, people are going to think there is something wrong with you and you have no time management skills.

          Every job I’ve worked at where I or someone is hourly, the company are hardcore sticklers for making sure employee’s don’t go over 40 hours unless it’s dire need so don’t do it unless you have to!

          1. Allison*

            You make a good point about hourly employees. It was a little wonky in my first job though. OT had to be approved, but they definitely praised people who came in before or stayed after the set hours we had to be there, or people who usually worked through lunch. When someone got “employee of the month,” it was usually at least in part due to putting in lots of extra hours, so I inferred that a “good” employee was someone who stayed late often.

  66. vvonderwoman*

    A small part of my job is networking with other non-profits so that we can collaborate and/or I can offer our free services to them, either as staff or to their clients. Any general advice on how to go about that? I already go to every event that comes my way that I can squeeze in, but after that, what has worked for other people in this type of position? Or, if you’re the one being approached, what information would be helpful for you to have/hear about?

    Major bonus points if your advice addresses situations where the services offered are controversial!

    1. CTO*

      People at nonprofits are often really busy and tire quickly of having their time wasted. Your “pitches” need to be succinct and short, and have things in writing for them to review or run up the flagpole. Be upfront about why it’s free (what’s in it for you?) and if there will ever be costs. Make sure that you follow through and are very reliable.

      Are your services the kind that nonprofits might seek pro bono/volunteer help for? If so, maybe postings like volunteermatch.org will help you find organizations in need.

      1. vvonderwoman*

        We offer free sex education, it’ll always be free and it’s part of our mission, so that’s what’s in it for us! I do think I will take your advice and really push the higher ups to create better written materials describing our ed services, and the options we offer. Right now, it’s just a short summary of a word document and it really only works for schools, not the non-profits that I’m trying to network and collaborate with.

      2. vvonderwoman*

        Update! I happened to catch my boss on the phone (we work in different cities) and she said there is absolutely no way there will be a department-wide publication made, but that I’m more than welcome to create one in my spare time and she can approve it! This is actually better than waiting on the department to come up with something, because I can do it on my own. Yay =)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I do volunteer work and have a position on a board.

      From what I have seen, the first thing people want to know is “Why would we want your service?”

      In the process of explaining that you can work in the answer to their second question is “Is this legal/compliant for us to use?” Transparency is necessary.

      The next question usually is “how much work is this going to require on our part?”

      Answer these questions, preferably without anyone asking and you could get some serious consideration.

      1. MJ*

        Ditto this. I would need to be convinced that there was a real need for this in the community I serve… Show me statistics on teen pregnancies and spread of STDs in the population my nonprofit serves. Demonstrate to me that other organizations (like schools) are not already addressing this. Show me how your program aligns with the stated mission of the nonprofit I serve.

  67. Daisy*

    I want to apply to a position in which the posting states email your resume and salary history/requirements.
    I’m trying to come up with a vague way of complying with this. I’ve been fortunate and my salary has always increased but with my current company, the increases are smaller (and the bonuses) so I don’t know if saying my salary increased % wise works.
    Or should I skip history and just state my salary “requirement”?

    2. Ash (the other one!)*

      I’ve seen AAM recommend “salary negotiable based on total package” and skip giving any indication of salary history or requirement. They should pay what you’re worth, not what someone else thought you were.

      1. Sunflower*

        Yes- and if they try to push salary history, just say your company won’t allow you to discuss it. I find it gross when company’s want to pay you based on what you made before. I’ve found at least half of the time when they ask for salary history and I don’t give it, they don’t push for it

        1. Daisy*

          (I see there’s another Daisy posting but that’s not me, for clarification’s sake)
          Yeah, I think I will stick with my salary requirement.

          Thanks, all!

  68. cuppa*

    Happy Friday, everyone! I’m curious, does anyone know any celebrities?

    I don’t know any personally, but I’ve had run-ins with Ana Gasteyer and Lionel Ritchie. Also, I do know someone who works in radio and knows tons of musicians.

    1. Felicia*

      Not really, but I went to highschool with someone from Degrassi. And I’ve met quite a few including Anna Silk, Mia Kirschner, the guys from Marianas Trench and Zachary Quinto.

    2. Cruciatus*

      Nope. I’ve had my picture taken with the guys from Rockapella. And I’ve been to a picnic with a two-time Olympic gold medalist. And last year at the Philadelphia Comic Con I walked by Stan Lee in the hotel and said “OH MY GOD IT’S STAN LEE.” I just wasn’t expecting to see him in the hotel lobby. I’m nothing if not grace under pressure…

    3. Mimmy*

      I don’t know any personally, but my cousin’s wife knows Molly Shannon and the current announcer on The Tonight Show.

      I’ve had my picture taken with Kelly Clarkson (huuuuuuuuuge fan!) and Alison Krauss (bluegrass singer–my husband used to be a big fan).

      I once shook hands with former VP Dick Cheney.

    4. Sunflower*

      I’ve spoken to a couple. I used to work as the receptionist at a highly prestigious golf club and we had a lot of celebs and athletes come though. I’ve said hi to Peyton Manning, Justin Timberlake, Jack Nicholson, Joe Pesci.

      I dated an internet blogger who writes for a pretty popular sports blog for a little. To say he was famous is a matter of opinion. Either you knew exactly who he was and loved him or you had no clue. I had no clue who he was when I met him. It was an interesting experience.

    6. Tinker*

      Ish?

      Shane Carwin, the UFC fighter who was the interim heavyweight champion a few years back, was one of my senior design partners in undergrad — we worked together on a project for two semesters. I think that counts as at least a minor celebrity, even if his career was a bit short — he did, though, do a season of The Ultimate Fighter, which I need to watch one of these days.

      This is, shall we say, not the expected career trajectory for such as we. It also means that I can never bitch again about balancing being an engineer and a martial artist.

      I went to one of his publicity events, I think during the period when he was working up to the fight for the permanent title, and we did the standard alumni reminiscence conversation. I forgot to bring my graduation programs, though — may have to see if I can find the dude again to get him to sign them, as it’d be kind of funny.

    7. vvonderwoman*

      Not really. James Earl Jones went to the same optician I did as a child. It was kind of cool to hear Mufasa in real life! When the optician died (I think aggressive cancer–the whole town was in mourning) we never saw each other again…sigh. haha

    8. Anoners*

      I don’t know any personally, but I work in a super posh area, so they are always out and about. A-rod was in front of me at Starbucks once, and everyone was freaking out about it. I had NO idea who he was, so I asked this girl behind me. She was super snarky and said his actual name (which I don’t know?), she was really rude about it, in a “YOU SHOULD KNOW WHO HE IS” kind of way. So I was like “you mean the guy who dated Madonna??” and then he glared at me.

      It was awesome.

    9. Noah*

      Jensen Ackles, he’s an actor, has been on the same tv show for years and done a few movies. For a long time he was in my cell phone as “Actor”.

      1. LBK*

        YOU KNOW JENSEN ACKLES!?!?!? How did this post not get any responses? I thought there were way more SPN fans here for some reason.

        1. Chinook*

          Noah must be Cnaadian to have Jensen Ackles as “actor” in his phone (probably in BC?). We Canadians are a little blase on the outside when it comes to famous people even if we are jumping up and down and screaming on the inside (or atleast I was when I ran into the band Great Big Sea at an airport once).

          1. Noah*

            Haha, not Canadian, just had no clue who he was when I met him about 7-8 years ago. Pre-smartphone lots of people had descriptive names in my phone so I could remember them because I’m so bad with names with people I’ve just met.

      2. Aussiegirl*

        Hi Noah, can you be my new best friend?! I love Jensen – he’s been my favorite actor since Days of our Lives! Love him in ‘Supernatural’ and have watched all episodes numerous times. He’s gorgeous. ^_^

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I only know a few and have met a few.

      Met:
      –Ernie Hudson
      –Michael Berryman
      –Clive Barker
      –Randin Graves (he’s a film composer)
      –John Skipp and Craig Spector
      –David Schow
      –John Horner Jacobs
      –Brian Keene (you wouldn’t know these last five unless you were a horror fiction fan)
      –Gunnar Hansen (he played Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre–the original one. He’s a great big teddy bear)
      –Richard Sherman and other assorted film composers including Ryan Shore, Graham Revelle, Bruce Broughton, etc. (Fans of Film Music thing in L.A., with chat people)

      Know:
      –Gracie Gold (we used to skate together)

      Some of the Met ones are rather minor celebs overall but in certain circles, we all know who they are. :)

      1. Anon scientist*

        Ooh, I worked very briefly (like a day) with Gunnar Hansen. I thought it was moderately cool but I’m not a big horror movie gal. Then the next week he was a talking head on some VH1 show and I was all OMG I know him!

        I was sort of in a documentary he was working on, and he was super patient with folks who had Never been in front of a camera and frankly had no interest in that sort of thing.

    11. thenoiseinspace*

      One of my good friends is the niece of Brian from the Backstreet Boys. We did a play together in high school (she was older, I was just a freshman) and everyone was talking about how we just HAD to do a good job because a Backstreet Boy was in the audience. Of course, I didn’t believe it – it sounds like the kind of thing you’d prank freshman with – and I think I mocked everyone who “fell for it.”

      It wasn’t until this past year, when we reconnected and she was posting Instagrams of the NKOTBSB tour behind the scenes “hanging out with Uncle Brian,” that I figured out that it was true. Man, did I feel stupid. I also later met him at her family’s holiday party. Nice guy.

      1. Carrie in Scotland*

        I loved BSB when I was younger. I still occasionally indulge my inner teenager by watching their youtube videos. And NSYNC as well.

        Not sure if this will mean much, as I’m not sure how big a US if any Billy Connolly (Scottish comedian, author, tv personality) is but he once came into a shop I worked in and I served him. I have also met all the members of US rock band Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, had my picture taken and tickets signed by them twice (I am a large fan!)
        Oooh and I saw Ant & Dec and a large paparazzi crowd waiting for Simon Cowell once.

        1. anonintheUK*

          Louis from One Direction went to my old school, though not at the same time as me as I am 15 years older than he is. His mother used to live round the corner from my aunt and uncle

        2. Jamie*

          Billy Connelly is the guy who replaced Howard Hesseman on Head of the Class – an 80’s sitcom.

          This I know, but my direct dial without looking at my business card or phone? Not a clue.

          I really need the ability to clean out files in my head and reboot every so often.

      2. Golden Yeti*

        I met Mandy Moore once, waaaaay back when she was just starting her music career.

        I also met Anson Mount once, back when Crossroads came out. Britney Spears was also at the event (obviously), and No Doubt. Looking back, I totally should have found a way to meet No Doubt.

    12. Anna*

      It depends on what you mean by celebrities. I’m one degree of separation from Joss Whedon. :)

      1. Felicia*

        If we’re talking degrees of separation, my grandma went to hghschool with William Shatner,

    13. Jamie*

      I can’t name names as it was a super small boarding school, but I went to the same high school (different location) as a child of a very famous sitcom actor from the late 70’s early 80’s (still working – but he was a much bigger deal then.) I didn’t meet his kid, because I was at a different location – but our parents both sent tuition checks to the same office.

      I also went to high school (same location so I did know them) with two kids of a singer who was VERY famous in the 50’s. My mom, who was generally unflappable, got positively weak kneed when she met him parent’s weekend. Every so often I’d see an infomercial about music from that era and he’d come on and I’d tell whomever was in the room with me that he once kissed me on the top of the head.

      If he was musically irrelevant to my generation you can imagine how unimpressed my kids were. Yet I said it – every time. Just like when I was little and we’d drive past this house a couple blocks away my mom would always say, “that’s Dr. X’s old house.” He was our family doctor, he moved when I was a kid – she said it every time. It’s some weird situationaly specific vocal tic where the women in my family have to point out the same useless information every time.

      My dad knew Jim McMahon and Rick Sutcliffe and they both stopped into my wedding reception for my first marriage. They just happened to be at my uncle’s restaurant where we had the reception …not like close friends who were invited. My ex – being a sports guy – made sure he got the card from Jim McMahon in the divorce.

      I worked with someone who’s first cousin was the janitor on Scrubs – I think he’s on something else now.

      My sister went to highschool (but didn’t know him personally, he was older) with Rich Koz – better known as the Son of Svengoolie.

      My brother was on C-Span once. Does that count? Oh, and in the early 60’s my sisters were on Bozo Circus and one of them was picked to do the Bozo Buckets thing but she freaked out and started crying so they picked another kid.

      The last one is I did some online marketing for CC Deville once, a million years ago when the internet was new, and to thank me he had his publicist send me a cool press packet and a Samantha 7 cd (which I already owned – but that was cool.) And I used to run an Ace Frehley website with a friend and his publicist sent us some old Rock Soliders Newsletters as a thank you. (For you kids out there, newsletters were something printed on paper and mailed to your house, which you had to read without a computer. It was a long time ago.)

      Yeah – my brushes with fame totally and completely suck.

  69. mango284*

    I got a job offer!!! I accepted on the spot and did not negotiate (bad, I know!) BUT… they were offering me a higher title than I originally applied for which also meant a higher salary than we originally discussed. Honestly, I was just so thrilled and grateful. They said they all agreed I was more qualified than what the original job called for but they loved me and want me to stay long-term so they decided to bump up my title right away. YAY! I start May 12.

    Thank you Alison and everyone at AAM! I really couldn’t have done this without this blog. I started reading back in January and have been hooked ever since. I’ve gotten so much useful information here and great advice from a few questions I’ve sent in. I also feel much more confident starting this new job knowing this blog is here as a sounding board. :-)

    2. mango284*

      Something minor but for some reason I can’t get it out of my mind… there seems to be only one bathroom (well, one women’s and one men’s) in this entire office for several hundred employees. There are bathroom keys at the receptionist’s desk. The kicker is this bathroom is located really far away from where my desk will be located… I’d have to walk past like 3 departments and then outside the main office door and down a long hallway just to get there. Is this normal? I have a small bladder and typically pee every hour or two, but it would seem like a huge interruption in my work to go this often if I have to navigate through this crazy bathroom maze just to get there… not to mention everyone would know how often I was going. I don’t want my manager tracking my bathroom usage!!! lol, half-kidding but as we’ve seen, that does happen.

      Maybe there is some secret alternate bathroom I’m not aware of yet but this is what I witnessed during all my interviews and it did concern me but I wasn’t going to bring it up in the interview because that would seem silly…

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Keep looking around. I can’t imagine this getting approved by code inspectors. There has to be another bathroom.
        Are you all on one floor? Sometimes the next bathroom is on the floor directly above or below the first one. (Easier to build that way.)

    3. stellanor*

      This is also what I did when I got a job offer. I’d researched the average salary for the type of position and my experience level and was prepared to negotiate for something in that range, and then they offered me something higher than the high end of what I had maybe hoped I could negotiate up to, so I was like, OH COOL OKAY.

      1. mango284*

        yeah, I had my negotiation speech all planned! The original salary they mentioned was definitely on the low side and I was prepared to ask for more, but then they offered even more than what I was going to ask for. I’m very pleased!

      2. LMW*

        When I got my job offer, it was a huge increase over my current salary (which they knew, since it was a required field on the online application I had to fill out) and it had benefits, whereas my old role didn’t. I didn’t really have a leg to stand on to negotiate, so I pretty much just said “That sounds fantastic!” No regrets.
        If you’re happy with the offer, you don’t need to negotiate just for its own sake!

    4. CTO*

      There’s nothing bad about not negotiating if they make you an excellent offer and you’re happy with it! Congrats!

  70. Red Bull*

    My boss walked into an afternoon meeting the other day in a white t-shirt. Literally, a thin, slightly worn, undershirt-y white t-shirt. Our office is pretty casual (most staff wear jeans and button-downs), but seriously? A white t-shirt?

    I was so distracted during the whole meeting by the fact that I could practically see his nipples.

    1. Pip*

      Haha, it reminds me of that scene in A Beautiful Mind where Russell Crowe steps into a classroom in a white t-shirt and all the students go Whoa!

      Usually I can ignore questionable wardrobe choices, but every now and then I get blindsided by something like that, and then I’m stuck in a feedback loop where I get distracted by how distracted I am.

      And then there was the time when the lecturer wore a turtleneck sweater with aardvarks in all the colours of the rainbow on it.

    2. ella*

      This reminded me of a line from the TV show Justified. “Are you cold…Because I can’t stop staring at your nipples,” (said by a guy to a guy) and made me giggle. :)

  71. Morgan*

    Does anyone have any advice for attending a networking event? I’m a little bit socially awkward and have never really been to an event specifically for networking so any advice will be appreciated!

    1. MJ*

      Can you take someone with you who is good at it? You can learn by watching and you will also have a buddy in the room to connect with when you have been standing alone for too long.

      If not, remember that questions are your friend. Just ask lots of questions. “I see you work for XYZ Company. I have heard the name, but I have to admit I don’t know what you do there.” Whatever they tell you, ask lots of follow-ups.

    2. Vera*

      Learn how to ask lots and lots of questions! Listen intently to their answers and try to add your own personal thoughts or stories to the conversation. Don’t worry about keeping it business or industry related. If things get silent, just tell a story about anything (the last place you went to dinner, what you did last weekend, etc.) and make sure to throw in questions like, “Have you ever been there?” or “Do you have a garden?”. Networking is just like making new friends.

  72. The Real Ash*

    This might get lost at the bottom but I want to post it anyway…

    So some people might remember that I hate my job and want to leave, but I might be moving at the end of the year, so I’m hesitant to do so. Well I just got a call for an interview today for a job that I would really be interested in, so I accepted an interview. If nothing else, it’ll be good practice, right? Here’s my issue: I really hate where I currently am, and the only reason the move thing is up in the air is because it’s based on whether or not I follow my boyfriend to where his organization is opening up a new office this fall/winter. We have an awesome relationship and things are great, but you never know what could happen between now and then.

    I don’t want to miss an opportunity to get out of where I am in case we break up and I stay here. But I also don’t want to have to go through all of the BS that comes with a new job just to leave it after a handful of months. Obviously there is no guarantee that I would even get it in the first place, but the opportunity is there.

    So AAMers, what the heck should I do?

    1. Bryan*

      What is a reasonable guess as to how long you would be in the job? My opinion is that if you’re interviewing just for practice and have no intent on taking the job, you’re taking an interview slot from someone who might be unemployed/underemployed. Also the company has a reasonable expectation that you’ll be there for a certain amount of time and that by spending time training you you’ll do the work and they won’t have to train anybody else in the near future.

      First I think you need to make the decision if you’re moving or not.

      I’d also like to fully note that it sucks to be in this situation

      1. The Real Ash*

        My interview is next week, so say I get the job that following week and give two weeks’ notice, I’m looking at starting the last week of May at the earliest. My boyfriend’s company hasn’t picked an office or a start date or anything for the move, so right now it is literally just at “possibly late fall or early winter” (and even then, it could be next year from how flaky I hear upper management is). I’m looking at anywhere from four months (May to September) to seven months (May to December) or more. So yeah, I really don’t want to be “that person” who leaves after roughly six months. But again, if things don’t work out and I stay here, I don’t want to be stuck in this job any longer.

        As for deciding on the move, it’s basically Schrödinger’s move at this point—I am simultaneously both moving and not moving across the country. Just like with job searching, I don’t want to pin all of my hopes onto this only to have it fall apart, but I can’t ignore the possibility and thus be unprepared for a cross-country move either. You are right that this sucks. I guess I’m just trying to vent to neutral parties because I don’t want to tell too many people about this.

        1. Bryan*

          It’s a super tough position. Also something to keep in mind is how it will affect your resume and future references.

        2. anonymouss*

          Is there any chance that your BF would decide to stay in your city? If this is a great job, and all works out, then it would be another conversation to have. I’d say interview.

    2. Laufey*

      If you know you have absolutely no intention of taking the job – you shouldn’t do the interview. We get up in arms when interviewers talk to people they have no intention of hiring – it should be the same the other way, otherwise we lose our moral high ground.

      That said, if bf’s company doesn’t even have a location picked out, I don’t know how firmly I would plan on moving. Would you consider doing a long-distance relationship if you had to, for just a couple of months (so that you could work at the new location for a full year, minimum?

      1. The Real Ash*

        I have done an LDR relationship previously and I hated it. Especially as this will be a cross-country move, there wouldn’t be any way to have a quick four-day weekend-type trip or anything to visit, not when the drive there would take two days… I get what you’re saying though, and I do appreciate all of the advice. It’s given me a lot to think about over the weekend.

    3. vvonderwoman*

      A lot of people are jumping on you because they’re assuming you’re not going to take the job no matter the outcome, but I think you said it yourself. ‘We have an awesome relationship and things are great, but you never know what could happen between now and then.”

      You’re not sure you’ll want to move to be with your boyfriend. So proceed as if you were staying in your current city. You not only don’t know where you’d end up if you moved, but if you’re moving at all! And you’re basing all of this on another company’s business decision. You have no say, and things could change anytime!

      I say interview, and if you get it, decide if you want it on its own merits. If you did decide to move, you would probably only have to do long distance for 4-5 months max before getting a full year out of it. Or, you may end up loving this new job enough to want to stay more than being with your boyfriend. Or, it’s just as miserable and you’ll want to quite despite the boyfriend’s move. Who knows?

    4. 22dncr*

      Always go for what Karma puts in front of you. There is a reason you cannot see. Take it if it sounds better/more like what you want/ etc. Life is too short to play what-if so embrace the now.

    5. KnitWorthy*

      I recommend that until you two are making decisions as a team, with long term plans together (not just that it’s going well and we’ll see what the future holds), proceed in the professional world as if you were single.

      1. MJ*

        I agree with this. Limbo is an unhealthy place. So many opportunities are missed by folks waiting for something else to happen.

  73. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Okay, you have seven days trapped in your house. You cannot leave, you cannot interact with other humans. How do you spend the time?

    1. Cruciatus*

      Sadly, I could probably easily do this. Read, surf internet, watch TV, walk around the house (either inside or out–gotta keep my Fitbit happy!) I’d like to say I would tackle a messy corner or two, but, let’s be honest, I wouldn’t.

      1. The Real Ash*

        I love my Fitbit Flex! Which one do you have?

        Watching the little light dance I get when I hit 10k steps is always fun, in a huge dorky way. But I am a huge dork.

        1. Cruciatus*

          I have the Fitbit One (I don’t like things on my wrist at work) and I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I talked it up so much that 1 coworker has finally gotten one. I bought one for a friend…and my sister… I’m pretty much obsessed.

          1. The Real Ash*

            Ha, I talked my mom into getting a Flex and she loves it. It’s so handy, and I love tracking my walks so I know how far they are, in case I want to do a short one versus a long one.

          2. AAA*

            I LOVE(d) my Fitbit Flex….but last week it started giving me a horrible rash! I’ve been wearing it since December with no problem, and then all of a sudden, boom! Unwearable. I’m really bummed. And it’s messing up tracking my training.

            1. The Real Ash*

              Oh no! I heard that had happened with the Fitbit Force brand, but I didn’t think it was happening with the Flex. FWIW, I have sensitive skin and wear my Flex all the time and haven’t had any issues. Have you tried cleaning it with isopropyl alcohol? Maybe it’s just gunky…

            2. Cruciatus*

              Have you talked with Fitbit about it? I “opened up a case” with them when my One started malfunctioning. I didn’t even have proof of purchase because mine was a gift. About 2 hours after I opened the case and just a few emails back and forth they were sending me a new one. A+ customer service.

              1. AAA*

                Wow! I should try that! Mine was a gift too, so I don’t have a proof of purchase.

                I haven’t cleaned it with alcohol, but I have used soap and water on the band. Actually I have several bands that switch out (for color!) fairly frequently. I’m worried I have developed an allergy to whatever the plastic is. It looks like contact dermatitis to me–and it did the same thing to my other wrist when I switched.

                I had heard of the problems with the Force, but ignored them at the time of the recall since I hadn’t had any problems (and I have the Flex). Maybe I’ll contact customer service and see if they have advice! (and try rewashing all of the bands with alcohol).

                1. Al Lo*

                  I have the One, which I wear clipped to my bra, and I love it.

                  Funny story — last summer, I was mowing our (large) lawn on a riding mower, and at one point, while I was sweeping the clippings, was driving the thing around the yard at full speed over the bumpy ground.

                  Got inside, and my fitbit was telling me that I’d just walked 12,000 or so steps. If only every boob bounce had the same calorie-burning potential as every step, I’d have been set!

    2. stellanor*

      Netflix, xbox, and the dog. (I’m petsitting for my parents this week so this is actually disturbingly close to what my next week is going to be like except I still have to go to work, just with a 2x longer than usual commute.)

    3. The Real Ash*

      When you say “cannot interact with other humans”, does that include not posting on AAM? ;)

      Assuming that I had adequate food supplies and access to water… I would definitely start binge-watching Netflix for series I haven’t seen/finished yet (Breaking Bad, OITNB, Xena, Star Trek (all of the series, not the horrible new reboot crap), etc.), and maybe look into finding a Youtube series so I could learn how to do something (a craft, a new job skill, something different), and probably watch adult hugs material (hush, you know you would too! ;).

    4. OriginalYup*

      Wear pajamas all the time. Catch up on all my TiVo’d and OnDemand shows. Binge watch Netflix streaming. Do all the laundry and dishes. Clean out my closet. Read the stack of books piled up on the floor by the bureau (and finally read Mists of Avalon). Write all the thank you notes I keep forgetting to send. Finish the paperwork to rollover my old retirement plan. Try that chocolate cake recipe again without destroying my kitchen. Sleep.

    6. Felicia*

      Read all the books, and binge watch a couple of shows on Netflix probably…maybe Buffy, I’ve been meaning to rewatch all of that. Though the internet couldn’t be entirely functional if I couldn’t interact with other humans, since I interact with plenty of people online.. I’d probably also write, read a lot of fanficion and play some dance dance revolution to stay in shape. It’s sad how easy this would be. I think being stuck in your house for a week without internet , cable or video games would be significantly harder, and then I could still read.

    7. Betsy*

      Definitely some cleaning. A lot of stupid iphone games. Knitting. Sleeping. (So much sleeping.)

      If I had the supplies (or could prepare in advance), I’d do food prep for freezer storage. Make casseroles, marinades, soups, and package them up for quick and easy meals later.

      Most of these are things I would do more if I could manage non-human-interaction time in my house (kids are distracting deterrents from work requiring focus).

    8. Blue Anne*

      Knitting, movies, and video games.

      This is actually pretty much what I do with my vacation time.

    9. fposte*

      You say this like it’s theoretical.

      If Internet is allowed so long as I don’t talk to people on it, that’d be enough right there–video, literature, AAM archives, window shopping. There are also the other books and videos lying around, and I could do cooking experiments with what I already have in the house. I would probably do some work, and assuming that this theoretical version doesn’t include the injury that made it factual for me, I’d also finally clean out the basement. I think.

    10. shaky bacon*

      This actually sounds like heaven.

      I would take advantage of this time to do another LOTR marathon (I do one annually), sleep A LOT, do a major clean of the apartment, clean up my computer files (haven’t done a proper back-up in a while, now that I think about it), experiment with cooking/baking new things, read my favourite books all over again, play video games, watch movies… oh man, I’m getting excited just thinking about the possibilities.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I do an LOTR marathon annually (along with Twister!), but so far all I’ve managed to do is read it again. Won’t have time to watch uninterrupted until school is over (soon, thank GOD).

    11. AAA*

      Read, clean, cook a lot, and teach myself a new skill. Maybe knitting? Maybe SQL queries? In seven days I could probably make headway on both.

    12. Esra*

      Oh man. Been there.

      1. Play too many videogames.
      2. Watch too many bad movies from the 80s/90s.
      3. Reread Dune, Pride and Prejudice, The Master and Margarita, and The Wind in the Willows.

    13. Mimmy*

      Maybe actually hunker down and watch all 8 (?) seasons of Grey’s Anatomy like I’ve been promising myself to do for ages but never could muster up enough discipline.

      Also: search YouTube for old episodes of favorite shows from the late 80s/early 90s.

    14. Jamie*

      Are we to assume we can’t interact with other humans online either? Because I don’t know for a fact you are all human, I could be the only human posting here and you are all a collective of artificial intelligence designed to engage me.

      But assuming you’re all human and online interaction is off the table I would:

      1. Organize everything and it would stay that way – since there would be no other humans in the house touching things.

      2. Clean – the kind of cleaning I rarely have time to do all at once. Baseboards, inside vents, cabinet under the sink.

      3. Lists – I would make a master list of all the things I need to accomplish daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, lifetime – etc. It would in excel with pivot tables. I would completely ignore it once the week was over and I had my distractions back, but it would be a lovely spreadsheet.

      4. I would spend a lot of time napping.

      5. I would expand my impromptu while folding socks puppet shows for the cats and write and perform a full length screenplay for their benefit.

      6. I have a list of topics I’d love to learn more about – I’d read the hell out of those topics and immerse myself. Linux fascinates me but I have no work purpose to learn it so I don’t spend the time. Windows networking taking what I know and learning about other structures so my knowledge would be broader than my own network. I have always wanted to learn hexadecimal math. Oh, and go through the trial transcripts to see if I can figure out either how Lizzie Borden killed them with no spatter, and sustained that kind of overkill rage for 90 some minutes, or if not who killed the Bordens? I know people have been working on this for 100 years – but I really just need the week. :)

      7. Clean up my Ancestry.com and add stuff that I have on paper from older relatives who had done the searching by hand. And I have some photographs from the late 1890s – early 1900s that I could post. There are a lot of distant relatives online who are big into that and would love to see the pics – I just want to do it in a way where there is no personal contact.

      8. Write a summary of my life ytd so if I die before I have a chance to tell the kids everything it’s there. Not that I have secrets from them – just stuff about my family that they may or may not remember when I’m gone, things that matter to me that won’t be relevant to them until they are older, that kind of thing.

      9. Make a list of everyone I love or care about and resolve to make sure they know that. I’m sure not all of them do.

      10. Spend a lot of time thinking about why I am the way I am (area’s in which I’m not a fan of me) and see if I can fix that. Kind of take an emotional and psychological inventory to figure out what needs fixing and what’s beyond hope at this point.

      I would also spend most of the first part of the week absentmindedly checking email and swearing at it for not working.

      I hope to God this never happens – because if this started on a Sunday I’d be a basket case by Wednesday.

    15. Sparrow*

      We moved into a new house a couple of months ago, so I would take the time to unpack the last of the boxes and organize things I’ve stuck in the closet to deal with later.

      Along with that, probably sleeping in fairly often. Watching TV series on Netflix – I still haven’t seen Breaking Bad yet! Reading books and magazines.

      My husband likes to make cocktails so I would request a happy hour every night.

    16. Sunflower*

      Reading, reading, reading. Binging on TV shows I wanted to catch up on. Trying DIY type stuff or building furniture(a very weird hobby of mine)

      Also, Buy lots of puppies to hang out with before hand.

    17. Tinker*

      I’d resolve to practice Hapkido and do sandbag lifts, and actually spend most of the week sitting in the LoveSac, cuddling the kitty and reading e-books. And staring forlornly at the bike. And maybe cleaning.

      (I’m tempted to replace all of my furniture with LoveSac variants. About the only things that stop me are the expense and the fact that I sometimes have guests who don’t have good knees.)

    18. Colette*

      I would start some project that should be easy (reorganizing, painting, making something, etc.) and then probably realize it was much bigger than I expected or that I was missing some crucial component that I couldn’t get. During breaks from said project, I would probably watch TV on DVD/Netflix.

      1. Gene*

        I have a stack of “Books To Be Read” that is probably 2 feet high. And the magazine pile is about a third of that.

        Also, if it’s not forbidden, WoW and Diablo 3.

    19. GigglyPuff*

      Reorganize my bookshelves. They are in complete disarray after graduate school. I would come for a week, grab stuff, and not put things back in the correct place, they used to all be organized by author. It would be a big project, five big bookshelves, books stacked horizontally, three rows of books, with maybe five columns on each shelf.

      I need to do this because I have complete OCD when it comes to reading books in a series, if I haven’t read the previous books in a series in a while, I need to reread them, then the new book. Problem now…sooo many books, probably 20ish books I have that I haven’t read, and if you factor in that most are part of a series, it’d probably be over 100. And I desperately want to get back to reading now that I have time. But things keep coming up on the weekends: cleaning and laundry, mostly.

      Other than that, maybe some t.v. and GameCube games.

    24. Kelly L.*

      Does the Internet count as other humans?

      If so, I catch up on my to be read pile and watch a lot of trash TV.

    25. Stephanie*

      Clean out my pantry, fridge, and freezer by trying out recipes/cooking experiments from what’s in the fridge. Catch up on a book or two I bought but haven’t started (Costco gets me sometimes with the $8 paperbacks), a lot of Netflix, and lots of swimming.

    26. C average*

      Oh my lord. I can’t even wrap my head around this. I’m incredibly high energy and absolutely HAVE to spend time outside every day. I walk an average of six miles a day (my work commute), and everyone around me suffers when I don’t get my walk. I think I am a border collie trapped in a human body. I would go bonkers trapped inside for a whole week.

      I would clean, I would read the entire internet, and I would binge-watch Law & Order. I’d probably finish a sewing project or two. And I’d bake. Oh, and I’d play Wipeout on the Xbox.

    27. Eden*

      I’m going to assume this means my husband has magically been whisked away and I’m alone in the house (because otherwise, the answer is very different, which is a little sad).

      Re-read books I’ve read dozens of times,
      Nap,
      Shower sporadically,
      Try on everything in my closet,
      Eat random items at random times,
      Put on my iPod and dance around to embarrassing 80s anthems,
      Pretend to be French (this involves lying in bed with the cat, for some reason)
      Pretend to be British (this involves drinking tea),
      Pinterest until my eyes cross,
      Try to learn how to do a waterfall braid,
      and, probably, scoop the kitty litter.

    28. Cath in Canada*

      Wow, I might actually make progress on some of my writing projects under those conditions! Except that my cats do like to distract me.

      I’d also read a lot, try to get back into playing classical guitar, and watch a whole load of films and TV.

    29. Littlemoose*

      Read! I have a huge list of books I want to tackle. I don’t get to read as much as I want to, partly because my job is all reading and writing and so I’m a little burned out on that most evenings.
      Organize papers and get rid of old clothes. Not fun, but desperately overdue.
      Snuggle the cat and the dog.
      Watch a TV series I’ve wanted to check out, like The Wire or House of Cards.
      Dammit, now I’m sad that I don’t actually have this imaginary week of leisure!

    30. Windchime*

      I would paint one or more rooms in my house (very therapeutic). Do housework and clean closets. Binge-watch a bunch of stuff on Netflix and get a good start on knitting a sweater. Sleep. Eventually I would get bored and cranky.

    31. Elizabeth West*

      Oh boy, I had three days like this when the ice storm hit in 2007. Unfortunately it was too cold/dark to do much of anything!

      I would write. And read. And get on the internet if I could–but that would mean I’d interact with people, in my chat room. And then play exercise DVDs for workouts. And play eat-what’s-in-the-pantry.

  74. stellanor*

    The nasty, bickering, disruptive, work-shirking, obnoxious-prank-pulling people who worked in the cubes next to mine both had their last day this week, and blessed silence has descended upon this corner of the office.

    I am looking forward to a long period of no one throwing crap over the partition at me or stealing important items from my desk.

  75. Gilbert*

    Hey guys!

    I need some practical help on how to be more paced, less high-strung person. I’ve identified that I often need to talk out an idea or problem to really dig into it – quiet introspection doesn’t quite get the job done – and when I get going I can talk pretty fast.
    Combined with a strong personality and sense of perfectionism, I know I can come off as “passionate”. Internally, I just feel like I’m working and covering the angles.

    Its been hard to implement advice like, “Just chill out. ” or “take it easy”. What are practical things I can do?

    1. The Real Ash*

      When you need to think about something, can you “step away” and do it alone? That way you can talk as much as you want and then jot down ideas to bring back to the other person. I would also suggest making yourself hyperaware of your conversations. Tell yourself you can only say one suggestion at a time, or you can only speak for 60 seconds, and then let the other person have a turn; something like that.

    2. ella*

      Who are you talking to? If it’s someone at work (or your manager) I can see where they’d be annoyed or not have the time (also, who’s telling you to chill out, and in what context? Are they just giving you general advice, or cutting you off when you’re trying to process?)

      If you want to curb the need for external processing, I’d suggest any of the following:
      -Make audio notes in your phone, or get a little tape recorder, and talk into that. That way you’re not taking up anyone else’s time. Take notes on paper ONLY of things that you want to go back to later that you need more clarification on.
      -Do you have a friend that you can process with? Or set up a scheduled time with a deadline for discussion, that way you have to prioritize in your head where to take the conversation, and maybe eventually that the things that you’ve been in a habit of saying out loud aren’t all things that need to be said.
      -Take time to listen to people. Are you the sort of person who talks a lot in meetings? Maybe go to the next meeting with a resolution that you won’t say anything at all. No suggestions, no questions, nothing (unless you’re asked a question or making a presentation, of course). I think you’ll be surprised by how many people say the things that you’re thinking about, and that will lessen your need to say them. It may be your job to make sure all the angles get covered, but I bet if you slow down and listen, you’ll hear that other people have got at least a few of the angles down too. :)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      This may not be your favorite suggestion, but I found that if I cut waaaay down on red meat and coffee that I liked me a little bit better.

      I could still really get into a nice big steak. But when I eat too much beef or coffee it feels like something inside of me is just plain pushing too hard. I don’t know how to describe it, perhaps similar to a bad boss that hovers over you while you work? In other words that push/drive is not a positive thing, it’s not working in my favor.

      If I dial back those two foods, I think I am more inline with how I should be acting. And it is easier to use other techniques to remain on an even keel.

    4. C Average*

      I don’t know what the group dynamic is in your team, but can you identify some brainstorming/idea-swapping partners and set up a recurring meeting with them?

      I have a colleague whose skills complement mine really well (she’s highly visual, I’m highly verbal) and we have a weekly “Do Great Things” meeting (that’s honestly what it’s called on our calendar) where we bounce ideas off of each other, sometimes processing as we go. On weeks where we’re doing a lot of showing, we meet in a conference room. On weeks where it’s mainly discussion, we go for a walk outside while we talk. Some amazing ideas and collaborations have had their origins in this meeting, and some existing ideas have gotten the fine-tuning they needed.

  76. Betsy*

    I’ve been waiting for this. Rather than derailing a conversation a few days ago, I saved a comment I wanted to make.

    The context was someone complaining about the word “gal” being derogatory, and a response that it’s really just the female equivalent of “guy.”

    So there’s an interesting fact I read at one point: the word “guy” was once derogatory, and meant unkempt and slovenly, coming (if I remember right) from the Guy Fawkes effigy tradition. It’s really interesting the degree to which it’s lost all derogatory meaning, whereas the female words still read as somehow demeaning, even when (as with dame), there’s nothing inherently wrong with the meaning of the word.

    I suspect that it comes from the relationship between language and culture. When people use the fact of your “otherness” as an insult, the word that describes the other becomes viewed as insulting all by itself, as with “gay,” for instance.

    Anyway, I didn’t want to derail, but I did want to share, and I hope it’s 0kay to bring the conversation here, instead!

    1. The Real Ash*

      Why would “gal” be derogatory in a general usage? If I said good morning to a mixed group of coworkers and said, “guys and gals”, I don’t think that would be offensive. I mean, pretty much anything can be meant offensively depending on the tone and context.

      Personally, I think that people get uselessly hung up upon certain word usage. Like Alison had a post a few weeks ago that essentially told people to stop bickering and attacking people over their use of certain phrases (unless you know, they were clearly being bigoted), and I completely agree. Intent and context matter, and I will use pretty much any word I want to and I should have the right to do so (up to and including hate speech, not that I would, but that’s my right and everyone else’s). You might not like when I say “gal” or “dame” or “lady”, but those are the words I’m using, and unless I’m sexually harassing you, or being demeaning towards women, what’s the problem?

      (This post made me realize that I think “dame” is an amazing word that I should use more often.)

      1. SevenSixOne*

        I find the word “gal” unbearably grating, but otherwise benign. I’d much rather a stranger or colleague call me a “gal” than something like “honey”or “sweetheart”.

        1. Jamie*

          I find it dorky…like a word only gramma’s use. But not degrading.

          I think this is a cultural thing, I was shocked that some think it’s sexist. “The gals in the packing department.” “The guys in the packing department.” For me the only difference in those sentences is the gender distinction. And that gals sounds dorky…other than that – I don’t get the offense personally.

          This is one of those things where I shake my head and wonder what the hell I’m saying that I think is completely begin but someone somewhere thinks is derogatory.

        2. The Real Ash*

          I’d much rather a stranger or colleague call me a “gal” than something like “honey”or “sweetheart”.

          Ugh, this so much. I hate hate hate it when strangers call me pet names. It is so gross. To anyone who does this: Please stop. Stop now and never start again. Unless you are a very sweet Southern grandparent. That is the only time it is acceptable.

          1. Jamie*

            I have been trying to break my husband of the ‘hon’ habit since I met him. I hate it. I hate how it sounds to other women and I hate that he doesn’t differentiate me from the woman at the grocery store, the toll taker, or waitress.

            Every cop I know does this to a degree, but he swears they don’t teach it in the academy. He is such a nice guy, but he will not break this habit.

            1. ella*

              I’m from the South so am somewhat used to being called pet names by strangers, but I admit that being called “hon” by a police officer would set my teeth on edge. It emphasizes the power dynamic (which may be what he/other cops are going for).

              1. Confession Kitty*

                I don’t know if he does it in uniform – I’d doubt it. He does it in regular life.

                1. Jamie*

                  Or I would assume – if it were my husband. Clearly not, because as you can see that wasn’t me. Entirely different pair of sunglasses. :)

            2. College Career Counselor*

              True Story: I once asked my uncle why he called my aunt “hon.” He said, “it’s a nickname. The long version starts with ‘Attilla the.'”

              My aunt, overhearing the exchange said “And don’t you forget it!”

              They were well-matched. :-)

        3. Kelly L.*

          “Gal” always brings to mind a very specific image of womanhood to me: namely, a sort of Wild West tomboy who is probably wearing a cowboy hat with pigtails and slinging a rope around. I don’t so much think it’s sexist as think it just doesn’t apply to me.

      2. Betsy*

        Well, I don’t think anyone would say you don’t have a right to use the words you want to (possibly excluding hate speech), but the argument logically extends to the idea that other people have the right to tell you that they’re judging you for your word use. If you have the right to say what you want to, why don’t the people who are responding to you?

        The reason word choice matters is that when words have been used as a weapon against you, it’s hard to view those words as just words. Words like “gal,” “girl,” “chick,” etc., are pet names that take the idea of “woman” and make it casual. “Guy” does the same thing for a man, but it tends to bother men less, maybe in part because for women, there’s still a sense that they have to seem more professional/intelligent/competent to compete on the same level, and the way that language makes them more casual works against that.

        1. LBK*

          maybe in part because for women, there’s still a sense that they have to seem more professional/intelligent/competent to compete on the same level, and the way that language makes them more casual works against that.

          I think that is 95% of the problem. The struggle to be viewed as equal is still so real and present for so many women that anything that could potentially be demeaning chips away at your image, bit by bit, in a way that doesn’t happen for a man.

          1. Jamie*

            If that’s the case, I think they are hurting their cause.

            Because knee jerk reactions based on whether something could ever be construed negatively in another context dilutes the power of addressing things that are actually demeaning.

            To quote Jon Stewart again, “when we amplify everything we hear nothing.”

            1. LBK*

              I agree, but I understand how it happens and why people think it’s justifiable. I also think there’s a point where calling attention to a problem only furthers it – you can make someone aware of an inequality, but there’s a limit where you need to move on. You’ll hurt your cause by constantly harping on it, to the point that people just ignore you.

        2. Jamie*

          In the case of the blog, because Alison has addressed the language issue and asked people not to – and it’s her call.

          In real life, as online, it can be (as we’ve seen) really derailing. And talking only about words in common usage (so leaving profanity and racial slurs out of the discussion) irl pointing it out is fine – but expecting others to revamp their way of speaking for a complaint that is not commonly accepted as offensive….well, it’s nice if they do but if they choose not to you can’t point it out every time. Because that’s forcing them to either accept your view of the word or have every single discussion tabled while it because a conversation about language.

          If I said it was crazy hot outside, and someone told me not to say crazy as it’s abelist – as I’ve read here – I would respect that they see the word differently, but I am not going to stop every time it’s used by anyone to have the conversation about it.

          A lot of people say intent doesn’t matter, so instead of intent lets call it context. If people don’t take context into account when judging the words which don’t have a societal consensus on offensiveness – then they are not helping their own cause.

          In my example if I said crazy in refernece to a person with mental illness in a disparaging manner of course that’s offensive. But if I mention it’s crazy hot, or that was a crazy party…context tells everyone that those sentences have zero to do with disparaging the mentally ill. And I actually think it’s more offensive to balk at that on behalf of them, because it’s the person who hears the word used in an innocuous context and immediately associates it with mentally ill people that are labeling them, in a sense, not the people talking about something completely unrelated.

          1. Betsy*

            Absolutely Alison has the right to say, “Cut it out!” and I am on-board with that, which is why I saved the comment for the open thread. I was taking Ash’s comment to mean in the wider world, and not just here.

            This is a really interesting comment to me, because I think both sides of these arguments view the other side as the one that’s causing the derailing issue. For the people who say, “It’s just words, intent matters,” it’s the person calling attention to the language use. But for the person saying, “Hey, there’s a really troubling history to that word, and you may want to rethink your use of it,” it’s the person who feels the need to defend their use of it, turning it into an argument instead of a piece of information.

            I’ve been the person called out, and it’s no fun, but I just said, “I’m sorry; I didn’t realize the word’s history. I didn’t mean to offend, and will use the word X from now on instead,” and the conversation was pretty much over. Where the derailing comes in is where both people are refusing to stop arguing their side of things.

            I also think the question of what is or isn’t an serious enough word to be actionable is really subjective, and depending on the area you’re from, and that contributes to the problem, too.

            1. LBK*

              My issue with that, though, is that I don’t think the response should always be “I will never use this word again”. There are words where I don’t think intention should be ignored – that is, if it’s not being intentionally used in an offensive manner, we should be okay with that word being used even if it has questionable history or can be used questionably in another context. I think “crazy” is a great example of that, as Jamie brought up. I would even go so far as to say that when a guy refers to his “crazy” ex, that’s offensive (on multiple levels). It implies that whatever she was doing was the result of mental illness and that she couldn’t have valid reasons for her actions. This is something personal to me since my family has a long history of mental illness and I’ve been treated for it for 10 years now, but when someone refers to a “crazy” party, that doesn’t phase me.

              I will admit that the problem with my viewpoint is that it often gets used by people who don’t mean it genuinely, and what they really mean is “I’m going to use whatever words you want and then hide behind the excuse that I didn’t mean it offensively.”

            2. Jamie*

              I agree that it could be derailed from either side. But just because someone finds something problematic and points it out doesn’t mean the other person is compelled to agree with them and change their speech.

              I do believe it’s courteous to try not to use words you know someone finds offensive, even if the view of it being offensive isn’t widely agreed upon. But it’s not an obligation so if people choose not to, it’s not okay to bring it up every time. That’s where the derailing comes in.

              Now, if someone asked nicely that a word not be used and someone used it more or uses it deliberately then they are derailing asses, because they are being jerks and making it about the word in a passive aggressive way.

              But if someone expresses their opinion about a word, and the other continues to use it that’s not derailing. That’s them using widely socially acceptable word and not making a change they don’t agree with.

            3. fposte*

              I was intrigued to see that the forums spun off from Captain Awkward have explicitly requested that people interpret one another’s remarks in the most generous light possible and not default to correcting terminology. Given that CA is fairly strongly constituted as a socially progressive and supportive space (and yes, the forums are separately run and they acknowledge this to be a policy of their own), I found this interesting, and I think it reflects 1) how corrective responses can take over and 2) how they often end up ironically as privilege weapons in their own right.

              1. Betsy*

                how they often end up ironically as privilege weapons in their own right.

                That is a really interesting observation, and one that I’d never really thought about. I do agree that it can be a way of belonging, and a way to feel superior to others, especially when it turns into an issue of people not in the “injured” class reacting with anger and vitriol.

                I think one of the biggest problems with social justice is the fact that everyone views themselves as the baseline. It’s like the old joke about driving: everyone slower than you is an idiot, and everyone faster than you is a maniac. Everyone assumes people know the same things they do, and they can’t understand that pointing out (as LBK did above) the ways in which a guy talking about his “crazy” ex is problematic isn’t going to register with someone who still believes that it’s okay to call things they don’t like “gay”. They don’t remember their own journey, and they expect instant enlightenment.

                1. fposte*

                  I would also argue that language use is actually a pretty weak weapon for social justice, and when language use gets focused on over discussion about the broader issue (which is often shut down by the language use discussion) the cause of justice is set back and not furthered.

                  It makes me think of an event I attended commemorating the 15th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Several luminaries spoke, including Ellie Smeal, Sarah Weddington, and Catharine MacKinnon. It was kind of a celebration until Catharine MacKinnon turned to Sarah Weddington and told her (politely enough–I’m not saying she was out of line here) basically that she’d tried the case on the wrong constitutional grounds. Sarah Weddington responded awesomely and amiably by saying “I can understand what you’re saying. I can’t picture *Rehnquist* understanding what you’re saying.”

                  I think Rehnquist getting it is more important than ideological purity, and that we were better off with Sarah Weddington’s perhaps flawed approach that reached people than we would have been with a theoretically impeccable approach that SCOTUS rejected.

              2. Tinker*

                Yeah, there’s a community that split off from one I used to lurk on that managed to basically gut itself in a fight over trigger warnings. It was… not pretty.

                I really value a lot of the ideas that come out of social justice — they’re like astronauts, they go into space and bring us back Velcro and Tang, but there is no air or gravity up there — but they certainly don’t manage to avoid human flaws. The community collapse I mentioned had a lot to do with using SJ concepts like trigger warnings (also a lot of the derailing deflection techniques) as social bludgeons, and it turns out that there are folks who are themselves triggered by that sort of dynamic. Eventually the snake ate itself, in that the leaders drove off almost everyone else in a pitched battle that then burned them out.

                Side note in the “funny how people work sometimes” category — I’ve heard a lot of good things about Captain Awkward, but it turns out that certain kinds of progressive relationship management frameworks, such as some related to the Geek Social Fallacies and what seemed to be the general bent of CA last I read it, cause me to have gloriously epic social anxiety issues.

                This is kind of… well, awkward… because being (maybe not exactly, but for lack of a better word) triggered by progressive concepts is one of those things that can get one classified as a bad actor — there’s a bit of crosstalk between “thing that is objectively bad” and “thing that produces triggers”, even though I know folks who have straight-up legit PTSD triggers for things similar to “weather conditions involving the presence of fog”, “groups of businessmen in suits walking down the street together” and “the smell of a specific brand of abrasive cleaner”, none of which have any intrinsically negative nature whatsoever.

                1. fposte*

                  Yeah, I think the cultural concerns are absolutely valid and attention to them is valuable, but the discourse isn’t free from its own hegemonic tendencies and tacit creation of hierarchies of human value.

                  I also find “trigger” a problematic term, for some of the reasons you imply; I also think there’s a bigger question underneath it that could stand more examination about how we talk about pain, sadness, and discomfort and what our expectations are around those. (Discomfort is actually the most interesting one for me there, because it cuts across so many things–going to weddings, work clothes, reading online stuff–and the reaction to it has changed so much in my lifetime.)

                2. Tinker*

                  Yes!

                  I use the term, as you see, but I have mixed feelings about “triggers”. I’ve found it to be a useful concept to recognize that there are things that I or other people have disproportionate responses to, but I don’t agree that the solution is to avoid them exclusively, to consider that seeing them is “game over” for one’s peace of mind, and especially to require the cooperation of every random person in one’s vicinity — as seems to be the territory that the SJ usage sometimes wanders into.

                  To me that seems like abdicating from the prospect of being functional in most environments, and I think that while some people might have to go that far, for most folks there are better options.

                  I avoid the CA blog because reading a blog is not worth aforementioned gloriously epic social anxiety issues. My friends, on the other hand, are worth making an effort for — part of said effort going into not reading stuff that causes my social to melt down, as this does not make for me being a terribly good friend.

                  And that’s when they’re used more or less with sincerity — using them as a social weapon, and I’m actually really interested in your take on that and on the discomfort issue (this I also have complicated thoughts about), seems to me like a really awful way of creating a hierarchy.

              3. Not So NewReader*

                “how they often end up ironically as privilege weapons in their own right.”

                I was thinking more along the lines of prisons. When people become afraid to speak because they are so concerned about their own choice of words they then become locked inside their own minds.

                I tend to think of this forum as a place of learning- probably a lot of us do. Places of learning can be perceived as no fly zones for scolding/repeated corrections and so on. Alison is right in trying to maintain a learning environment where people don’t have to be afraid to speak.

                I have no problem with someone saying “Did you know that word is now used in XYZ context?” This is how we learn. Thanks for telling me, is what I say.
                But I can’t give a pound of flesh every time I chose a wrong word. I just can’t. I can apologize. I can chose not to repeat the mistake. Also because I am in a learning environment, I can respectfully ask why and expect an explanation as opposed a condemnation.

                Alison does an exemplary job of role modeling how to answer difficult questions. She does this daily. I think that part of the covert learning here is how to develop the work vocabulary to express one’s self in a productive and professional manner. In short, if a person cannot explain something without getting hot under the collar then don’t start typing right away. Wait a minute or however long. Ask “what is the goal of my comment?”

                I think Alison has done a great job handling this situation. I worry less now, but I still worry that she will quit this blog because of these difficulties. And that would be a huge loss for all of us.

                1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  Nah, that won’t shut the blog down. There’s tons of steps that could be taken before that if the comment section got out of control. We’re not even close to that though.

      3. fposte*

        I think there are histories that can make “gal” problematic and indeed demeaning in some contexts, though. It’s really not the etymological equivalent of guy, it’s just ended up partnered with it as a colloquial term, and it doesn’t have the same use pattern.

        That being said, I’m not going to sweat it in most contexts.

        1. The Real Ash*

          I think there are histories that can make “gal” problematic and indeed demeaning in some contexts, though.

          I would like to know what those could possibly be. Not trying to be snarky, but serious. I can’t fathom why “gal” could legitimately be sexist or offensive, as opposed to someone personally just not liking the word.

          1. Jamie*

            I’m interested to learn about this, as was surprised to hear it was offensive in any sense.

            So, because we were all in the kitchen I did an informal poll of a ridiculously small control sample of 5 co-workers – all female.

            Everyone found gal old fashioned, but totally inoffensive. And oddly enough – we all decided unanimously that “broad” was more offensive than the C word or bitch.

            This means nothing outside of that kitchen, but I thought it was interesting that I wasn’t the only one who hated broad that much. I think the gal thing must be regional.

            1. LBK*

              Hah – interestingly enough, I’m also (as a man) neutral on “gal” but dislike “broad”. Probably because “broad” makes me think of super sexist 1950s Mad Men-style offices.

            2. Eden*

              Broad more offensive than C-word? That’s interesting. To me, the C-word is the mother of all offensive terms, I find it really darkly ugly. Broad just strikes me as crudely sexist. Does anyone know the etymology? I have always assumed this is a ‘wide hips’ slur on women.

              I don’t like the word ‘gal,’ but it has absolutely no offense in it for me, unless you’re referring to The President of the United States, and his gal, or some such non-equivalency.

              In my family, we had a plastic skull on a stick filled with beans that we would dress up and/or shake at trick or treaters for a scare. She wore a curly blonde wig and my old jean jacket, and her name was Gal. Don’t know why. But that’s what I think of when I hear the term.

          3. fposte*

            For one thing, because it’s a colloquial variant of “girl,” so it’s touchy any time “girl” would be touchy–like if you’re talking about the gal who’s the senator from Massachusetts and the man who’s the senator from New York it’s not an improvement over the girl senator and the man senator. It’s a traditional part of old-school sexist phrases like “career gal” and “office gal” (and that’s not an etymological problem, but most offense isn’t from etymology but convention in any word).

            More nuanced usage issues: in my experience, it’s more common in use for, and sometimes by, people with less power–it’s the gals in the front office, but it’s the VPs Jane and Roberta. A higher-ranking person in my org would get serious flak for using “gal”–it’s not considered a professional term around here.

            I think some of this is generational, in that younger people haven’t been exposed to its more sexist uses, so it sounds more neutral to younger ears; equally, there are regional patterns that make it more of a challenge in some areas than others. I think this may be complementary to the “thug” discussion, in that the growing offensiveness of that term was news to some of us; the older offensiveness of “gal” maybe news to some younger folks, too.

          4. MJ*

            For those of us a bit older, “gals” and “girls” referred to the women relegated to the secretarial pools with no decision-making authority, while the men ran the business. It has a connotation of “not to be taken seriously” or “not as wise in the ways of business.” It’s professionally inappropriate.

      4. LBK*

        Very well stated, I agree completely. There are obviously words that are not acceptable or will always carry a derogatory meaning in any context, regardless of how they’re used. But I think most words like that depend heavily on how they’re delivered and the intent of the person using them. Something like “gal” that’s clearly not delivered in a demeaning or condescending tone seems innocent to me – and on the flipside, I’m sure I can use the word “woman” and come off in an insulting way if I intend it to be an insult.

        I think etymology and current usage also play a big part. For example, “dumb” has a derogative history – referring to someone who’s mute – but it’s no longer used in that context anymore. Therefore, I wouldn’t consider generally it insulting to mute people. By contrast, “gay” is still actively used as a synonym for “homosexual,” so when you use it as an insult you’re drawing a culturally relevant parallel between someone being gay and them being inferior or otherwise negative. I consider that offensive.

        1. Tinker*

          Yeah, and I’d add to that that I think a better model to think of these things is that some words are a bit like anchovies — they have a unique character, for sure, but putting them in your dish can be a higher-risk move because there are a lot of folks who really don’t care for them. Hence, if you’re going to make your favorite Anchovy Delight, it’s better to do some extra thinking about who is at your dinner party and who had really better not be there.

          (You want to invite me please.)

          I think this keeps things out of the question of whether thus-and-such is bad or not, which has a way of getting folks’s backs up, and rather get it more on the grounds of what we can do for people that they like having done — a matter of social flow rather than morality. At least that’s my theory for now.

          1. Jamie*

            some words are a bit like anchovies — they have a unique character, for sure, but putting them in your dish can be a higher-risk move because there are a lot of folks who really don’t care for them.

            This is a brilliant way of putting it.

    2. OriginalYup*

      So interesting about the Guy Fawkes connection! I’m fascinated by the etymology backstories. I read a great discussion (can’t remember where, unfortunately) about words on the ableism spectrum — dumb, lame, and so forth — and their evolving usage. In my next life, I’m going to be a linguist and learn all this stuff.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Growing up, I was taught that the word “guy” is slang and I should never, ever use any slang. Now that I hear the word everywhere I am kind of amused by my parents’ rule. Using the word “can’t” was a criminal offense. The word gal was informal in their minds so it would not be appropriate to use with someone such as a woman who was older than the person speaking or a woman in her position at a job. ( Ex: Never call a nurse/teacher/clerk a gal.)

        Words change. I can remember my parents using words that, although not the worst words, most certainly I would not use those words now. The way my father used the word “dame” caused me to remove that word from my vocabulary.

        What is unnerving to me is that I seem to be missing some of the changes now. I guess this is what my parents went through when I had to explain stuff to them.

  77. Blue Anne*

    Another little bit of awesomeness enabled by this blog…

    Upthread I mentioned a check-in conversation with our new HR person. We discussed a lot of classic AAM topics – not accepting counter-offers, being prepared at salary negotiations, treating employees like adults, good management, etc. AAM has been my textbook for pretty much all of this stuff.

    And at one point, my new HR colleague stopped and said “Geez, why aren’t you in HR?!”

  78. Canadamber*

    So how do these company credit cards that I hear about work, anyway? People apparently get cards from their employers but is it, like, just to be used when they’re purchasing items for work, or…?

    1. C average*

      I’m sure others’ responses will vary, but here’s mine.

      I have a work American Express card that’s to be used only for work and only in situations where it’s been discussed beforehand, either specifically or in general. In fact, I’ve only used it on three occasions:

      1. A three-week work trip to Amsterdam, for which my manager told me to use it for my hotel bill, food, transportation costs in country, and other approved expenses. I had to fill out an expense report detailing each charge when I came home.

      2. A lunch out with my colleagues. My manager told me to charge it to my card.

      3. A two-week trip to Japan. Same parameters as the Amsterdam trip.

      We tend to use them for travel a lot, as expenses can pile up for food, lodging, travel, etc. Most of us don’t make enough to front those costs for longer trips.

    2. Colette*

      I have a corporate AMEX that I am only supposed to use for work expenses (mostly travel). It hooks in to our expense system so I can identify the charges. However, I’m responsible for paying it, so if I put personal stuff on it, I’m still on the hook for it.

    3. Aunt Vixen*

      Yes. It saves you fronting the cost of airfare and lodging if you’re traveling for work, for example, and then getting reimbursed. (It saves you fronting the cost of anything and then getting reimbursed, but many people’s balances are high enough to float the company a ream or two of paper for however long it takes Accounting or Finance to process their receipts, but less so with amounts in the mid-four figures, which can be higher if the travel is on short notice.) Many non-profits have tax exemptions that they can easily get if you pay for things with their corporate credit cards, but which might take several rounds of carbon-triplicate forms if an employee is paying out of pocket. If you’re entertaining clients at a working dinner and are able to write the whole evening off as a business expense, it’s a world and a half easier to do so if you’ve used your company’s credit card rather than your own (no sorting receipts, etc.) A junior employee might be trusted with a company card if she’s doing a ton of overtime and the company is paying for her cab rides home in the middle of the night.

      Company cards are not generally to be used for groceries, hair appointments, movie tickets, or similar. :-)

    4. CC*

      I had a company credit card at my last job. They handled paying the bills, I just had to provide receipts and do the expense report so they knew which budget to put things under. The rule for using it at that company was that if it was stuff I had to buy for myself due to a trip (food, lodging, transportation) or stuff I needed to buy to do my job (small equipment, hardware, tools, parts) then just buy it on the card, but get authorization from the project manager if it was over $1,000. I’m not sure what additional rules execs and sales types had related to taking clients for dinner and stuff. I’m an engineer, I didn’t have to worry about that.

      The only time I carried it with me was when I was on a work trip, otherwise it lived in my filing cabinet with my passport and other travel documents.

      I did use it to pay for personal stuff by accident a couple of times — stuff like the entry fee to a tourist thing on a weekend midway through a trip, so we’re talking under $50 — and I apologized (as soon as I noticed I’d grabbed the wrong card) paid them back (when the expense reports were being filed at the end of the month) and it was no big deal because I very rarely made that mistake.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I have one, but I have no idea why. I’ve only used it once–to buy lunch at a meeting. It works the same way most do. Use the card, submit an expense report, and then done. I don’t use it to order supplies, though; that goes through other channels.

      At Exjob, I had to use the manager’s card to order stuff sometimes. I just entered the number and we were good to go. The invoice went to Accounting and they paid the credit card bill. I never ordered anything on it without permission, though.

  79. Pix*

    I am in a pickle. Just went through a lengthy interview process (5 page application, phone screen, one on one interview, two hour skills assessment, group interview) with a company I once worked for, and now I have a job offer. But the offer is low for the job skills in this area (maybe by 8-10k) and even lower for me as I am a bit overqualified for the role. Still, it’s a solid company with decent benefits.
    I’m freelancing right now, and not in a rush to go full-time, but I’m not getting other offers either. And my partner would rather I be working a benefitted job than freelance, and I’m feeling pressured. I feel very anxious about taking a step down in my career for a job I am not super-psyched about.
    Anybody out there have any advice? I will try to negotiate a little higher on Monday, but this company is somewhat conservative and unlikely to go up much.

    1. The Real Ash*

      Why is your partner pressuring you to take this job? If it will make you unhappy or devalue your skills, why would they want you there?

      1. Pix*

        During the whole process said partner was supportive, saying they would probably offer low, and given my skills I would probably be better off not working there. Now, as I discuss the offer the tone changes to “Well, what else have you got going on?” and “I’m just thinking about all the angles”, etc.
        For context, partner has started a side business and I started the job search to give us options in case partner should leave full time gig, and try the side business full time. But it’s not a lucrative business yet, and partner’s full-time job pays twice the current job offer I just got.
        If I decline the job I feel like I will be burning a bridge (never to be considered again by that company) but it literally pays less than I was earning 5 years ago at my last full-time job.
        Discussion with partner just escalated into a nasty argument, too. Ugh.

        1. BB*

          First off, you aren’t burning a bridge by turning down a job. Burning a bridge would be accepting the job then quitting 4 months later because you’re not happy and making no money.

          Honestly, it sounds like you might already have some ideas about why your partner is pressuring you to take the job. Is this the first job you’ve applied to since you’ve looked? First offer? If this is still early on in your search, it’s still very early to be taking the first thing you can get.

          1. Pix*

            Thanks, BB – that’s what I am feeling, but I’m struggling with the idea that a job offer may be better than nothing at all. I’ve been super-busy with my current freelance work and this interview process (and life) and have not been able to actively job search with other companies, so this is the first offer.

            I really like the freelance work I am doing, and if that company were to make me an offer I would be thrilled. I get great acknowledgement from them about my value, I have the freedom to be creative, and they don’t want to lose me, but the work does come and go, and they don’t have a need for me to come on board full time right now.

            1. BB*

              It’s weird your partner changed speeds once the offer came in- partner seemed to expect a low offer so why the change of heart now that it actually happened? Maybe it’s just me but it seems like benefits are a big factor in this decision. Do you get benefits from your partner? Are your benefits crazy expensive?

              Thinking in terms of ‘How will this new job better our relationship and lives in the future?’ I really don’t see any positives to the new job except some job security and benefits. You said you were looking for something more permanent to in case partner leaves full time gig and if you take this job and partner quits, will you have enough money to live? Just other things to take into account.

              1. Pix*

                Yes – me having benefits would be great, it would offer us some flexibility in the future. But the current offer would put us in a tough position as far as my partner leaving full time work for the personal business. I seriously doubt we’d make enough from that to cover the salary difference.

  80. LBK*

    I should know better than to show up 2 hours late to an open thread…but nevertheless, I’m preparing a proposal to my boss for an improved bonus plan for my position. First time I’ve ever asked for any kind of monetary increase. Fingers crossed!

  81. literateliz*

    Bit late to the party here, but I’ve been waiting for an open thread to ask a silly question…

    Informational interviews: How do you schedule them?! I have an entry-level job in my field, but have been thinking lately about seeking out people at other companies to have conversations with for various reasons… I want to learn more about how procedures differ, build my network, and maybe try to do some freelance work down the line. Since I do have a full-time job, would this just end up being the same song and dance about “dental appointments,” etc that happens when you’re actually interviewing for another job? Do I try to schedule at the beginning or end of the day? Take a long lunch? How have others handled this?

    1. Colette*

      My first thought is that you want to limit the amount of time you’re asking for – so a long lunch shouldn’t be required unless you need to travel a long way. Depending on your connection to the person you’re talking with, they may also be willing to meet you outside of business hours, or over the phone.

      1. literateliz*

        Good point–I was thinking more about the time I’d be gone from my desk, so I was factoring in travel time. I guess what I’m really wondering is if this should all be as hush-hush as regular interviewing, or if it would be seen as more of a regular business meeting. It would really be completely for my own benefit and not the company’s, so I’d think it would come down more on the side of a regular interview, but it’s not like I’m actively looking to leave either…

  82. A Teacher*

    I think this is the first time I’ve asked a question in an open thread but first a bit of background:

    I teach a college course to high school juniors and seniors where we talk about the interpersonal dynamics in the working world. One of the requirements for the second semester class is to do a service learning project. They have to do a formal proposal, plan it, implement it, create a PSA campaign, raise a set amount of money, and volunteer. I’m shifting the focus of it next year and would like to have them learn more about business plans because I think it is something they need to understand. My business English class in undergrad is my only experience with writing one and my background is in athletic training. So my question: do any of you have a website or resources that shows the basics of creating a business plan?

    Thanks!

  83. KCS*

    Anyone else waiting to hear back after an interview?

    I know, I know, we’re supposed to put it out of our minds and move on after every submitted job application and after every interview. I’ve been continuously job-hunting every single day.

    It’s just tough with a “what-if” lingering in the back of your mind. It’s like going on a date with someone you really like, waiting for them to call you back, and simultaneously trying to move on by looking for other people to date. The pickings are slim and your mind wanders back to that person you really like.

    1. Ash (the other one!)*

      Yup. I’m there. It’s also hard when people are telling me to be more optimistic about its prospects — I can’t be. I got my hopes up for a position a few months ago and was crushed when I was ultimately not selected. So. Onwards?

  84. nyxalinth*

    Unfortunately, the animal shelter interview I had didn’t happen, nor did an interview I had on Tuesday. Both were going to call me within a day, and no call. Oh well. Moving on.

  85. LAI*

    I recently accepted a job at the salary they offered me, and everyone is telling me that I should have negotiated. I had already decided that I wanted the new job more than I wanted to stay in my old job, and the salary they offered was a slight increase over what I’m currently making, so it didn’t seem like there was any need to negotiate. But then there are all of those articles out there about how women never negotiate and make less than men for doing the same job. I am a woman in my 3rd professional job and have never negotiated salary or asked for a raise – but I’m very happy with what I make. I think it’s fair for my skills and experience in my field, it’s on par with what others make at my organization, and it’s enough for me to live the lifestyle I want. Should I really have negotiated anyway, just to negotiate?

    1. BB*

      No you shouldn’t negotiate just to negotiate. However, just because you’re happy with what you make doesn’t mean you can’t be making more. I might be happy with 60,000 but I’d prefer to make 70 if they’ll give it to me.

      I guess it’s a personal preference. I think there is always room for more but it’s a question of more of what. If I was offered a job and the salary was on par with what I thought I should be making, I would start looking at other things to negotiate- time off, work from home opportunities, cubicle vs office. But each organization is different and I would have to get a feel for how I thought they would receive the negotiation before making any fast moves.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I wouldn’t negotiate that one, either. FWIW.

      I think those articles aren’t meant for everyone and every situation. One telltale is you were probably more comfortable about your new job before you read (or thought about) the articles than after. It sounds to me like you know the facts for your setting where as the article is just talking in general terms.

    3. Theguvnah*

      Yes, you should have negotiated anyway, but don’t beat yourself up now. Just make sure you do it next time.

      I definitely think it is easier to negotiate in a more high-stakes situation if you’ve already done it in a low stakes one (ie, when you are happy with the initial salary offer so it doesn’t matter if they can’t budge).

      As a hiring manager, I always have room in my initial offer to respond to negotiations- I expect it. And when women don’t negotiate at all I am personally and professionally disappointed in them (I work in a predominantly female field so I’ve never hired a man and have no basis for comparison). They have left money on the table and literally all they needed to do to get it was say “thank you for the offer and I’m so excited to join the team, but I was hoping for $xyz. Can you match that?”

      Then when review time comes I force them to ask me for a raise because it is a skill they will need to learn and I will be the easiest way for them to learn it (note I am usually hiring women in their 20s).

      When peopl don’t negotiate with me after a salary offer, I interpret it as a lack of professionalism on their part, and I then wonder what else they will do in their jobs that shows me they don’t know how to play the game.

  86. LAI*

    I have another question. I’m leaving my current position and reached out to someone who had expressed interest in working in my field to let her know about the opening. She’s really interested, and I’d love to give her more information about the position, maybe even meet her for coffee sometime. However, there’s a slight chance that my boss will ask me to help with filling my role, maybe even serve on the interview committee. Is it a conflict for me to do both? The final decision wouldn’t be up to me, and obviously, I don’t know if this woman would even be the best candidate.

    1. BB*

      I’d reach out to her and if she’s interested, pass her information along to your boss. Just say ‘hey boss, I know this person from x event and I think she might be interested in the job’ You’re telling your boss you know the person and if boss wants you to be a part of the hiring process, he can decide what to do- It’s not like you’re giving her top secret information by meeting her and telling her about the job and the role. Even if you don’t reach out to her, and end up being on the interview committee, you would still want to tell your boss you know her so this can’t hurt her chances.

  87. NebraskaLass*

    I work for a nonprofit, and the president is a total asshole, from telling off-color sexual jokes to taking the tiniest criticism of the organization REALLY personally and screaming at people. However, it’s also obvious to everyone that his business acumen and vision are the main reason the organization is helping thousands of people instead of still being a mom-and-pop operation as it was before he came. If I went to he board and told them about his behavior, I think they might fire him, since off-color sexual jokes are a major liability for our conservative donor base. I don’t want to injure the organization, because it would probably operate much worse without him and fewer people would get the help they need, but I also hate to see such a terrible person operating with no accountability, since that could end badly for the organization as well. Thoughts?

    1. Bryan*

      Do you have an HR department? This is one of the few times I’d so go to them and tell them the president is making comments (document them).

    2. Lexie*

      I feel like the president has learned that everyone will tolerate his behavior because he is good at his job. I think you should go to the board. Behavior like this is rarely containable. At some point, he is going to joke/yell at the wrong person and cause your organization problems. There is a possible scenario where he doesn’t get fired but learns what is appropriate for your workplace.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      That would be the board’s job, though, to work through this one.

      They could move him off to one side but still keep him involved in the organization. It sounds like he would do well in a planning and development capacity.

      They may already know this and have three potential candidates lined up.

      OR as you say you could tell them and they could botch this whole thing.

      Having been in a similar situation myself I know that in the long run left unchecked this goes very, very badly. First thing, is to make sure your job is protected- that can mean just having ideas of where else you could go to work. Second, have a fair idea of how this board acts. If others have tried this and failed- do not try this yourself, especially alone. Next, yeah, report him. Bring documentation. Not just the sexual crap but also the screaming and his inability to take criticism. Show examples of what is happening.

  88. A Jane*

    Peoples, I just kicked ass at my first important status meeting. I was super nervous up to the meeting, but when it came to go time, I was on freaking point.

    So loving my new job. So loving it.

  89. Ali*

    Work and personal thoughts today, but I’m going to post work first:

    I am feeling a bit frustrated with my new schedule at work. My manager told me he was mostly putting me on second shift to keep things consistent (I currently was working a couple of earlier shifts but mostly evenings/second shift), and I was very specific in stating that I wanted two days off during the week, one which I already had and the other that was more ideal because I had worked it for forever. I mean, before I was promoted, so that long…

    Instead, my manager put me on to work during the day I wanted to keep off and gave it to a less senior coworker (as in, been there less than six months less senior), as the person had apparently been expressing that desire to have off so he could finish planning his wedding. When I asked my boss how much seniority was factored in, he said he used that but had to consider other things. For example, we have a coworker who can’t work late at all so that complicates things when trying to hand out evening hours.

    I feel so frustrated that someone who is planning a wedding (which will be in two months) gets this day off on a more permanent basis and I get screwed. Not to mention he will be taking time off for his bachelor weekend (yes, weekend) and about 2-3 weeks off when his wedding is happening. And oh yeah, when he’s off getting married, guess who will probably be turned to to cover? :/

    I just don’t like my chances to ever work better hours, as 6-7 people are ahead of me on seniority, two of who pretty much never work late shifts even when it’s asked of us. I’ve looked for other jobs in my company, but there is not really a lot of turnover overall, so it’s gonna be hard.

    I used to love my job, now I just want to log in, finish my shifts and leave without any fuss or doing anything extra. It just makes me want to cry.

    1. Adam V*

      Your best bet, unfortunately, is probably to look elsewhere, not inside your company. It’s already bringing you down – you need to find a way to a company that will value you more and where you won’t be dreading going in each day.

      In the meantime, keep your chin up and be an amazing worker, so that when you leave, the manager will realize how much he’s losing!

      1. Ali*

        My manager does seem to value me. I got a good performance review, he mentioned the possibility (not a promise) of getting a raise in the middle of this year. On our team conference call the other day, he said that with our new hire on board, he is confident in our team going forward, so I know that my job is not in danger or anything. I have been there for four years and got good compliments from Old Boss before my promotion as well.

        It just drags me down to know that I may not really have a future there between the low turnover in general and the fact that so many people are above me even in seniority on my team, so they will always have first choice at the good hours, etc. I did like Company when I was brought on and I hoped to stay a long time. But now I feel I’ve outgrown it and I know job searching is still tough for a lot of people, so I feel anxious in a way about changing.

        1. fposte*

          Ali, it sounds generally like you’re having a bit of a low patch right now. Have you considered looking into counseling? That can be really helpful when you’re feeling stuck or uncertain–you don’t have to sign up forever, you can go for a few times just to talk about what you’re currently facing.

          1. Ali*

            I have been in counseling a couple of times in my life already. I have thought about going back again because right now, it’s freaking me out that everything I thought I had planned with my work life has not materialized. (That’s another story/comment.) I realize that the right thing to do is make a new plan and look for a fresh start, but in this economy, I feel like I can’t change and could use some help looking at it another way or whatever.

            1. fposte*

              Yeah, might be a good time to get an objective third party who’s actually trained at helping people through stuff. I think that your concerns are all valid and understandable, but all the more reason to see if somebody can help you negotiate them a little.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              Yeah, it’s feeling like you can’t change that will really undermine you. I know I have had times where it felt like my hands were tied.

              Looking back on it- half the problems existed no where except inside my head. The other half of the problems- those were real and needed effort on my part…which I did not have energy for.

              Make yourself think of things that you will actually do. If an idea enters your head and you feel you can not do it then abandon that idea immediately and move to the next idea. Keep looking for something that you can do today or this week or this month. Something with a short time frame that is reasonable.
              Start there. See where that puts you.

              1. Ali*

                I’m late seeing this, but I like this idea and want to put it into practice. I have a lot of ideas in my head right now, as I think “Oh I can see myself doing X” or whatever, but then never really acting on it. This breaks it into smaller steps. Thanks!

  90. Dang*

    Totally random but does anyone here have rosacea? Mine is driving me crazy! I’m getting awful nose redness related to it and my usual regimen isn’t working.

    1. fposte*

      I only recently found out that I have ocular rosacea. I don’t present with skin symptoms, but apparently people’s eyes aren’t supposed to look like that. It’s annoying, because it’s starting to cause more problems and there’s not much to do about it.

      So no help, but some commiseration.

    2. Anonymint*

      Ugh yes. For years I thought it was acne and bombarded my skin with acne clearing products that just made it worse.

      I FINALLY went to the derm and she told me I had rosacea – Clinique’s Redness Reducing moisturizer is kind of pricey (though less pricey than a prescription!) but has seriously changed my skin.

      I still get (bad, annoying) flare-ups from time to time, and I can usually tell what’s caused them (I’m particularly sensitive to red wine, dark liquors and hot bubble baths :-( ). I try to be good about avoiding those things but sometimes you need a glass of red wine and a bubble bath!

      1. Dang*

        Ugh, sucks for all of us!

        I am all over Cliniques website right now! Haha. thanks for the recommendation.

        I have similar triggers- wine is a big one, and so is chocolate. Oh, and tomato sauce. And I’ve had the same experience with acne treatments- I think that’s why my nose is so horrendous right now. I’ve just been trying EVERYTHING to try to eliminate the Rudolph look.

        Usually a good green primer works wonders for me, but every so often there’s just NOTHING that seems to work!

      2. Littlemoose*

        Big yes to the Clinique “redness solutions” moisturizer! Better than the topical Rx I got from the dermatologist. It’s a little pricey, but the jar lasts a while.

    3. GigglyPuff*

      Ugh, yes. I’ve always had red cheeks, but never rosacea until last year, went to the dermatologist, after being tired of my face looking like ground beef. She gave me a prescription for an acne cream that has kept the bumps away, but I still get red spots, and blotchy looking. I’m so looking forward to going to a different dermatologist, I just want the redness to go away.

      On another note, I’ve had reactions to red wine, like almost purple face and hot flashes, I still drink it, because it turned out it was the sulfates. So I try to find one with a lower sulfate content. I figured it out after I was prescribed a sulfur based medication and had a weird reaction.

      And I don’t know if this includes OTC acne meds, but my dermatologist specifically said don’t exfoliate my cheeks while using the acne cream.

      1. Dang*

        Ground beef! That’s exactly what it looks like! Ugh!

        I’ve exfoliated the HELL out of my nose so it’s interesting you said that… I’m pretty sure in my desperation to rid myself of the Rudolph look, I made it worse. Ugh.

        Interesting about the sulfate wine thing too, I hadn’t made that connection!

  91. Brett*

    So, how many people get conference sick?
    I just had my first conference in a long time where I did not get sick, even though I taught 20 hours of workshops :/

    But lots of other people were very sick by the last day. Talking to friends at the conference, this is a recurring phenomena with lots of them. By day 3-5 of the conference, they start getting ill and by the time they come home, they have to take a sick day or two just to recover.

    Is conference sick a real thing? What causes it? Exposure to airlines and people? Presentation stress? Longer than normal work hours grinding down immunity?

    Who else gets conference sick regularly?

    1. A Jane*

      Yup, the conference sick is a real thing. I think the combination of all of things you list there contribute to it.

      I used to plan conferences and I had 10 during the spring time. It was tough, but I tried to make sure I got enough sleep AND that I ate something during lunch. I would actually schedule a minimum of 15 minutes where I could hide, disconnect and eat a sandwich. Even if I only ate 3 giant bites, I could call it a win.

    2. Pip*

      In gaming/comics fandom it’s known as the “con crud”. There are many contributing factors, but it boils down to being exposed to lots of people (or rather their hometown cold virus of the month) and at the same time getting too little sleep, eating crap (without washing their hands first!) and otherwise not taking good care of their personal hygiene. (Cosplay costumes seldom wash well.)

      I’ve never got anything worse than a day or two of mild cold symptoms, but then again, my regular eating and sleeping habits are so bad that my immune system is used to those conditions.

  92. anonish*

    Perhaps a not-so-fun subject…but I’d appreciate any suggestions anyone might have. I recently started working part-time in the fitness industry. I’ve long wanted to do this kind of work in addition to my other profession. I absolutely love the job, including the very early shift, which has me getting up at 3am. It all suits me perfectly, except for one aspect: One of the reasons I’m very healthy and fit and (up until recently) have felt terrific every day has been — shall we say — regularity. The early shift has completely thrown this off the rails. It’s been a month and I’ve tried many things, like strategically timing my meals, drinking more water. Nothing’s worked yet. Has anyone out there got tips for dealing with overnight or super-early shifts, and re-adjusting the time one uses the bathroom?

    1. fposte*

      Maybe try psyllium capsules? I’m not convinced that bathroom regularity is actually a fitness factor, but if you’re not delighted about workplace bathrooms after that last thread, I can understand the desire to reschedule yourself.

      1. anonish*

        Regularity is absolutely a huge factor in my health and fitness — I cannot work out as well and intensely as I want to (or do my yoga properly) when things are off-track in that department. I reckon everyone’s different on this matter — that’s how it is for me.

        1. fposte*

          Ah, I thought you were speaking more generally–I’ll never argue with anybody’s personal stand on regularity :-).

    3. Sparrow*

      Metamucil. I usually take it once a day in the evenings and it definitely helps keep things regular!

    4. anonish*

      Thanks for the suggestions, all. I eat clean and I don’t take any meds or supplements, and I’m looking to keep it that way. Coffee — indeed, I was off it and feeling really great coffee-free. But with the change in work sched I’ve resorted to trying a cup or two (not working at 3am). Using work restrooms not an issue at all…My thing is my only ‘time’ has always been after I get up, before going to work. Once I’m showered and out the door, my chance is gone till next morning. It’s always been that way and this is why I’m looking to adjust things. Thanks, all.

      1. KAS*

        Magnesium! I can pretty much guarantee some “activity” about 10 hours after I take it….I take it about an hour before I go to bed.

  93. Canadamber*

    Just wondering (this may not get seen) but what is it you look for most in a job?

    Money? Work and life balance? Happiness within the job and its coworkers?

    My dad isn’t particularly rich or anything, but he really wants to be and he thinks that everyone should aspire to get there. He bothers me sometimes because apparently my primary focus in life should be investing and being an entrepreneur and being super successful and making millions. (He tried it… look how far HE got. Not far at all.) Just wondering, because my dad is unhappy in his work, and wants more money, and my mom is more about how much you like the job and how well it works. She generally makes less than half of what my dad makes because she works part time relief, but her primary goal for finding a new job is being happy in it.

    Who’s right? Does it just depend on the person? Personally, I think that I’m right thinking that I need to have a job that I’m happy in, even if it’s not the most lucrative thing ever (but investing is super awesome and I’m totally going to make lots of money doing it, just because I can), but I don’t know. I’m going to university next year for finance but don’t know if that’s actually what I want to do. Thoughts?

    1. shaky bacon*

      I don’t think there’s a right or wrong to this – it truly does depend on the person and it has to be what YOU define for yourself. It’s difficult when you hear mixed messages in general and from family, but ultimately, it’s your choice.

      Money only goes so far for me. I think money is an important consideration for everyone, since most of us have bills to pay and such, but if it were my primary driver, I would’ve stayed in a lucrative Oil & Gas company with the wicked pay. The rest of it was soul-sucking, so ultimately the money didn’t motivate me enough to stay there long-term.

      I’ve narrowed mine down to having a good manager, competent people to work alongside, the autonomy to be able to do my own thing where it makes sense, and the freedom to be myself (not have to change my personality just to fit the culture). Now, it’s probably damn near impossible to find a job that meets all those criteria, but for the most part, I have it where I am now. There will always be some give and take, and it’s about finding the right balance and deciding what you can and absolutely cannot live with.

      It will also come with time. It may change depending on where you are in life. But the most important thing to remember is to filter out the noise and figure out what truly drives you. It may take months, maybe even years, but you will get there.

    2. Esra*

      So in design there’s this saying: “Fast, cheap, good, pick two.”

      I think the same sort of things applies to working life. Good pay, good culture/balance, good work. You really need at least two of those things to stay happy at a job. Which two are up to individuals and their circumstances.

    3. Colette*

      I’d vote for happy, as long as you are able to support yourself and do not depend on anyone else to pay for things you can’t afford.

    4. nep*

      Great questions / discussion. I followed my passion to travel and freelance in my profession (it has worked wonderfully), and all my dad ever wanted to know was whether I had a stable job with a 401k, etc. I agree that it is an individual thing — each has his/her priorities and reasons for how they’re ordered. Amassing a lot of money and material things has never been important to me. So many other measures of ‘wealth’. At the risk of being trite — it’s about being true to oneself in the end.

    5. fposte*

      My memory of research findings is that money correlates more strongly with happiness at the low end of the income scale, where it’s a relief from significant stressors; once you get enough money to feed yourself and take care of yourself and enjoy a few things, income enhancements don’t increase happiness a lot.

      BTW, if you’re interested in investing I recommend the Bogleheads at bogleheads.org. They’ll help provide a counter-narrative to the flash, which is good because the flash is how people lose money more often than they get super-rich.

  94. Gene*

    Starting the bad food thread.

    Earlier in the week, one of the operators decided to microwave his lunch – Salmon and brussels sprouts. Two hours later the Admin building still reeked!

    1. shaky bacon*

      My co-worker described the nasty smell in the kitchen earlier in the week as elephant. Basically, what the elephants at the zoo smell like. Whatever it was… gross.

      1. Carrie in Scotland*

        Fish pie 2 or so months ago was microwaved…and then they walked all the way through the office to their desk so the smell wasn’t even contained to the canteen!

    3. Persephone Mulberry*

      Confession: I burned popcorn this afternoon. I was standing right there – I think the bag was defective.

      1. Fish Microwaver*

        I ran out of data as I was trying to post about my colleague who warms up pungent curries at work.

        1. Stephanie*

          I had a coworker who warmed up fish curry once. My eyes started watering. I just had to go outside and take a walk.

  95. Ali*

    OK, personal thoughts…

    I’ve been thinking about the discussion we had last week about being happy/not being happy in life, and some of the conversation touched on marriage. I am in my late 20s and very much single, and it seems like everyone around me is in some long-term relationship, engaged or married. Now obviously I would like to get married someday.

    Ultimately, though, my reasons for marriage are feeling a bit backwards right now. I admit that I would love the idea of buying a nice new dress, having a party in my honor and having my parents there for the biggest day of my life. My parents are not old, but they are in their early 50s and definitely aren’t going to get younger. My dad hasn’t really ever brought up marriage, but my mom sometimes talks about how none of her kids are going to have children so she can be a grandmother. My older sister is divorced, my brother and I are single and my younger sister is in a long-term relationship, but her and her boyfriend aren’t even engaged, as money is tight and my sister hasn’t totally warmed up to her bf’s family.

    I also see how people around me are treated once they enter engagements, and it seems like their “accomplishment” pales to any consideration I want in life or anything I do. For example, a girl in my Zumba class is getting married next week, and she was given a card, a tiara and butterfly wings to wear and people were taking pictures of her in class. What did I get when I went for my teaching license? Right. Exactly. An applause from whoever heard the announcement, which wasn’t many people. Maybe 3-4 tops. A guy I work with is getting married, and he is given the days off of his choosing, plus 2-3 weeks off for the actual wedding and a weekend off for his “bachelor weekend.” Another guy with a kid never has to work evenings. I admit the preferential treatment makes marriage and kids enticing, plus I know it would make my mom happy, and I do love her. We have a great relationship, which makes living at home bearable for a little while longer.

    I guess I have some serious maturing to do, painful as it is to admit, but I think as someone said here last week, it seems like nothing I accomplish will be as noteworthy until I get an engagement ring or a positive pregnancy test.

    1. Ali*

      I guess I also feel bad that my grandparents, who are in their 80s (dad’s parents), and my grandmother (early 90s) will very likely never see my wedding. My mom’s dad died about 15 years ago, so obviously there’s no shot he can be there. I just want to have this big day in front of as much of my family as possible, and who knows if it’ll ever happen.

    2. Diet Coke Addict*

      Well, what do you want–to get married, or to have a wedding? They are not one and the same thing. Don’t get married until you really want to be committed for life. Marriage is way, way, way more than a dress and a party.

      1. Dang*

        I understand your frustration… it seems like so many people weigh this heavily on the ‘life importance scale’ and I just.. don’t, I guess. And I’m not a ‘wedding’ kind of gal (I’m also gay so I spent a long time telling myself that I wouldn’t get married anyway).

        BUT honestly, I’ve seen more than a few women go through with marriages that ended up being a bad fit because they rushed into it, the date was set, and “omg how embarrassing would it be to call off the wedding when everyone already got the save teh dates.”

        And believe me, I’m sure they would trade the big party and the accolades for getting married for a few more years on their own and figuring out what they wanted out of a marriage.

      2. Ali*

        Part of the problem is that I feel like getting into a long-term relationship, and subsequent marriage, kind of solves the problem of never being able to hang out with anyone because my friends are “busy.” I mean, there’s this general belief that your spouse should be your best friend and the person who is your ultimate confidant, the one you do EVERYTHING with. The way I see it, women who are married or have a boyfriend generally don’t have this problem since they can do everything with their SO. As someone who is single, yes I go to things on my own (I just started taking yoga and I go to the studio alone, for example) but it would just be so much easier if I had that built-in system who was always there for me. I really want that. And yes, I have good friends, but no one can ever really get together.

        1. fposte*

          Most people I know don’t do everything with their SOs, though, so I’m not sure if that’s the solution you’re thinking, and even the nicest spouse isn’t always there for you–just like your friends, they’re real people with failings and lapses and things they’d rather do than listen to you or hang with you sometimes. And partnership is great when it works, but it’s incredibly lonely to be unhappily coupled.

          I’m not remotely denigrating coupling up there–it can be a great aspect of life that brings a lot of joy and intimacy and growth, and maybe other people can weigh in with opposing views. And are you dating now? What do you think of the people that you see?

        2. Elizabeth West*

          That’s not a good reason to get married. In fact, it’s a horrible reason, because you could end up marrying someone just because they’re there. How would it feel to be on the other side of that?

          You’re only in your late 20s and you have some time to think about YOUR life. That’s what you should be focusing on right now, not what other people are doing. No matter who is in it or not, what you do is under your control–work, future, etc. I mean stuff like where you go and what activities you do.

          Believe me, I know these feels. And I’m twice your age and rapidly losing any chance I have, for no clear reason that I can see. You have chances out the wazoo yet to go. Don’t waste this time worrying so much about it. It’s not time to worry yet.

          1. Noah*

            Agree 100% with this. I got engaged at 20, worst decision ever and I’m just glad both of us were smart enough to break it off before we got married. It just seemed like all of our friends were getting married and starting to have kids (welcome to the midwest).

            1. Stephanie*

              At 20? O_O.

              I remember my friend was freaking out about being unmarried at 27 (she lives in the Bible Belt). I was like “You can come to DC, where no one really bats an eye at a 39-year-old having a roommate.”

        3. Stephanie*

          You just need less flaky friends (easier said than done, I know). Some people are the types to default to their SO being their entire social calendar. Not saying that that’s a bad thing, but working on their relationship might be their priority at the moment.

          I was in the same boat a couple of years ago. I had moved back to DC and a lot of my friends had coupled up and never had time to hang out. After a while, it got really old hearing “Oh, but Wakeen and I are having Date Night” or “Apollo’s really tired, so I’m going to stay in with him.” Being the third wheel also grew old fast.

          I just gave up and sought new friends. I met a lot of people while taking improv classes–I saw the same people on a regular basis and friendships developed from that. Plus, doing a lot of goofy things together was a good bonding exercise.

          (I should say, I didn’t necessarily unfriend those friends. I just had to acknowledge the tenor of our friendship was changing. It was really hard realizing that I couldn’t do things like wine nights with the girlfriends who were now in serious relationships. Plus, growing apart at this age (I think we’re both 28, if I recall correctly) is harder since it’s harder to make new friends at this age.)

          Yoga’s good, but there’s probably not a ton of interaction with your classmates. I found I had the most success meeting new people doing activities where I saw and interacted with the same people on a regular basis.

          A lot of people here are big fans of Meetup as well.

          Also, you don’t want to default to the SO being the fallback–there are probably going be things that person wants to do that you don’t (and vice versa). Like my mom has no interest in motorcycles and my dad has no interest cooking classes.

          Good luck. I know it sucks.

          It can be hard because a

      3. GigglyPuff*

        Yes thank you Diet Coke Addict. My cousin, got married a couple of years ago, think she was 26, it was completely ridiculous in my opinion. She even admitted to her brother, she did it because she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do with her life, and felt like this was what she was supposed to do. AAAHHHHH! NO!

        And the few events I went to, one of the showers (dear lord I can’t even remember how many she had), bachelorette weekend. It just became completely obvious it was about the wedding! Not about getting married, but the party and the gifts, and all that.

        I actually felt sorry for her, because she just didn’t know what to do with her life. All of her friends were getting married within a year, seriously six different women. So I think part of her just jumped on the bandwagon.

        I know there’s a lot of different opinions out there, but she’d a) never been by herself before, and b) had never lived with this guy beyond maybe a week at a time. She actually moved back in with her parents before the wedding, instead of their new apartment, that just completely boggled my mind. Went from parents home, college, post college roommates, to being married.

        I love the fact that I am confident enough to do things alone, I’m okay with having time to myself, and seriously I can basically no longer watch t.v. with other individuals it annoys me so much.

        I think if you are comfortable with yourself, and want to start a life together, go ahead get married whenever you want. But if it’s for the party, to because everyone else is doing it, it’s not going to go well.

        Basically I saw it happen with my friend that’s a few years older. She was dating this guy who was older than her by a few years, so he was like maybe early 40s, and besides the fact that he was a giant man-child, he’d gotten married in his early 20s, gotten divorced, and over the years had never lived alone. He ended up breaking things off, because that’s essentially what he wanted, was that chance to live alone, and “find himself”, basically, in opinion, what you’re supposed to be doing in your twenties.

        Not that I wouldn’t love a relationship, mind you, but I’m definitely glad I’m not one of those people who ended up jumping on the bandwagon, because it gave me time to figure myself out, which I believe, lets’ you better figure out who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

        And that’s the end of my rant…but seriously my cousin’s husband, creeps me out soooo much, definitely caught him giving me the side glance down my shirt at one of the wedding showers. Ugh! :0

        1. Elizabeth West*

          You made a very good point–it is absolutely VITAL that you know how to be alone before you get married. Because if you don’t, then what are you going to do when your husband has to go on a business trip? Wants to go fishing with his boyz? Are you going to be hanging from his arm like a bracelet? Yeah, that’ll go over well. You need to have an identity as your own person before you bond with someone else.

    3. StaminaTea*

      I understand how you feel about all the attention and privileges that engaged couples get. I read the book “One Perfect Day” a while back about how commercialized the wedding industry is, and how that came to be (LOTS of marketing!). I recommend reading it. Sometimes I’m envious of the attention, but then I remember I don’t WANT to buy into the crass commercialization that planning a wedding can turn into. Engaged couples start out happy, but often get super stressed out by wedding planning, and then they get into debt for the whole thing. And then “happily ever after” can turn into stress over bills!

      Focus on having good relationships with friends and family. Marriage is on the decline, in my book – more babies are born out of wedlock these days anyways.

      1. Ali*

        When I said to Engaged Coworker about how I would have no idea how it is to plan for a wedding, he said honestly just elope. That is the last person I expected to hear that from, but I guess the planning part can be tough.

        I don’t know yet if I want babies. Sometimes I would be fine with one. Other times I feel like just getting dogs. (Sorry, I am not a huge cat fan.)

    4. Katie the Fed*

      I think some of this is indicative of media and the kind of rise of a princess culture in the US and all those damned wedding shows.

      Personally, I don’t see my engagement as something I won. I didn’t hit the jackpot (well, I do feel like it sometimes because he’s so awesome) but WE made a decision to pursue this commitment. It doesn’t minimize any of my other accomplishments – it’s just a stage in our lives and a big step.

      And marriage is soemthing everyone can relate to. Not everyone can relate to getting a teaching license or how much work that takes. So that might be why it’s so widely celebrated.

      As much as possible, try not to compare yourself to everyone else. That’s just a recipe for misery.

      1. Kerr*

        And marriage is something everyone can relate to. Not everyone can relate to getting a teaching license or how much work that takes. So that might be why it’s so widely celebrated.

        I like this insight.

    5. Kerr*

      You have my sympathy. I’m not itching to get married, but I know how it feels to have people go “Oh, how nice that you graduated,” and see the “CONGRATULATIONS!!!” and gifts and fuss over people who are getting engaged, married, or having kids. I mean, those are important things, and I understand why they’re so celebrated. But I also realize that in all likelihood, nobody will be throwing me a housewarming party when I move out, with all the nifty kitchen stuff that people get at weddings. I try not to focus on it, because if I go down that rabbit hole, I can get sour.

      I read a quote recently that said “Being single is not practice for real life,” or something like that. It’s totally true. Enjoy where you’re at right now, cheesy as it sounds.

      1. CanadianWriter*

        You can buy all the nifty kitchen stuff you want for way less than having a wedding! (And you won’t have twelve blenders).

    6. Adam V*

      > A guy I work with is getting married, and he is given the days off of his choosing, plus 2-3 weeks off for the actual wedding and a weekend off for his “bachelor weekend.”

      > Another guy with a kid never has to work evenings.

      There’s nothing stopping you from telling your company “I’m going to need to adjust my regular schedule; I’m not going to be able to work past [5/6/7] PM on a regular basis anymore, and I’d like to take [certain dates] off”.

      1. Adam V*

        Ah, just noticed your “work thoughts” above. My thoughts are different after reading those – will post there.

    7. nep*

      What constitutes ‘noteworthy’? Who gets to define that? Seems to me we sometimes give undue importance to social conventions and conditioning. And I reckon you’ll be the great parent you’re meant to be only when you’re doing it for you, not for your mom or anyone else, as much as you do love them and want them to be happy. My 2 cents.

    8. Littlemoose*

      I understand how you feel. I’ve definitely had similar feelings before – especially since almost all of my friends are married and have/are having children (several pregnant friends right now, in fact), and I’m in a long-term relationship but not engaged. I’m almost 31 btw.

      When I started feeling this way, I did some thinking and narrowed it down to a couple of things for me. One is just the basic feeling of being left out – this is what all of my peers are doing, and I can’t relate. There’s that self-conscious aspect of it, like they are looking down on me or feeling sorry for me because I’m not married or a parent yet (this is all projection, of course, because my friends are lovely people who would not actually think that). And there’s the internal feeling that I’ve never been all that good at dating stuff, whereas school and work come easier to me. So I didn’t feel like I had much to be proud of, even though I graduated from law school, passed the bar exam, and (eventually) found a good job. Those things didn’t seem nearly as hard as finding a partner. I know it’s not always rational, and that it might not make sense to anyone else, but I realized that those things were the root of some of my negative feelings about where I was/am in my personal life.

      And remember too that things are not always as good for other people as they seem. Nobody has it perfect, even if it seems that way from the outside. You don’t know who is dealing with crazy family members, health problems (mine sucks sometimes), financial woes, or whatever. As fun as social media can be, sometimes it’s damaging to our psyches – most people present their best selves online, to varying degrees of accuracy, and it’s easy to think that’s how good everyone has it all the time.

      Sorry for the ramble. Bottom line, I commiserate and hope things improve for you.

    9. Theguvnah*

      “Now obviously I would like to get married someday.”

      Why obviously? Not everyone wants to get married…

    10. Not So NewReader*

      “it seems like nothing I accomplish will be as noteworthy until I get an engagement ring or a positive pregnancy test.”

      Am not sure if this is coming from inside of you or from outside of you.
      However, this is not real and it’s not life. So who ever is telling you this tell them to get a reality check. If it’s you saying this to yourself then get yourself a reality check.

      Picture a day where your man goes out to work and your baby goes off to school and you will see yourself right back where you are now… wondering “okay, what is next?”

      Here’s the secret. We build our own gigs. To me, this is a PITA on top of holding down a job, keeping a house etc. But it’s the truth. When one gig runs out we have to build the next gig.

      My dear family member (DFM) in one week lost her job and sent her baby off to college. She broke down and cried. I really felt bad for her. But I also knew that she had to build her next gig. So we talked for a bit. Then I said “What’s your next thing? You have to get a new gig.” It took a little bit. Then one day DFM says “I want to do X”. (X being a long term thing that she has never tried before.) I asked her a couple questions and it quickly became apparent to me that she had one heck of an idea.
      It’s been several years now, X is going very well and her days are full again.

      Did I mention? DFM was 50 y/o when the bottom fell out.
      My point is that this can happen at any time in life AND it can happen more than once. A feeling of futility, lack of direction, lack of focus, no motivator. It’s easy to hang your hat on one magical answer but it is better to sort yourself out and develop more aspects to your skills/abilities/interests.
      Find out what you do well at. Find out what your idea of fun is. Meet people. Find out what causes you support and what causes you ignore. There are many aspects to life. Look around.

    11. SLD*

      I will most likely never get married (although I’ve been in a committed relationship for 7 years and am happy) and will definitely never have kids (by choice) – it’s rough living the life less celebrated. It makes it no less important. I was more resentful of the amount of money I was requested by society to pour into other people’s lives when I couldn’t afford it, but the feelings are the same. The best thing that you can do for yourself is realize that the people close to you will celebrate your accomplishments no matter what they are – and the rest will always judge you by their standards and – really – if you don’t know them, you don’t know their values, so it’s not really a valid statement on your life. (someone could value someone who stays home and doesn’t work at all, or someone who only makes a ton of money, etc) Be proud of who you are, and of your accomplishments – celebrate you. You deserve it!

  96. DeAngelis Fielder*

    Just found this website today while I was looking for a part-time job. I really like the advice on here. I definately need advice since I’ve been in a unpaid internship for too long and really need to make some money.

  97. Katie the Fed*

    I’m going to bring over a conversation from today’s other thread.

    Did you study abroad? where? what was your experience like? What did you learn from it?

    1. fposte*

      I did. It was amazing and I’m so glad I did it, for a variety of good and bad reasons. I’d been really interested in Wales and went to Bangor, which wasn’t exactly thriving in Thatcherite Britain. It really destabilized a lot of things I’d naively assumed about national identity, about student culture and politics, and many other things; it also conveniently gave me some great literary schooling in areas I didn’t study in undergrad or graduate, so the actual curriculum was helpful as well. Plus I got to sing in an amazing choir in a freezing fourteenth-century church surrounded by mid-millennium stone effigies.

      Big maturing point for me.

      1. Elysian*

        When I was in high school I was invited to participate in an orchestra trip to Europe and my dad said I wasn’t allowed to go. To this day I am still really sad about, because I imagine that playing in the churches and concert halls on that tour would have been incredible. You’re so lucky you got that experience, it sounds amazing.

    2. Sheep*

      I did my entire degree abroad (Western Europe), but also went on a year abroad (South America). I loved it, met many interesting people, grew up a lot, travelled, learned about the culture, the politics.. Learned to speak Spanish.

      Oh, and all of this was done on student loans and money I had saved up from working. No parents involved in paying.

    3. Xay*

      I spent a semester abroad in London studying psychology and theater. I don’t list it on my resume because it doesn’t relate to what I do now. In terms of coursework, it was surprisingly rigorous – not that it was a hardship to see lots of plays, but analysing them from a psychological perspective was challenging.

      But the most valuable part of the trip was learning to live independently. I attended a small liberal arts college in a rural midwestern town – even though I was far from home, my college was a safe cocoon. During the study abroad, my group lived in a bed and breakfast – our professors (a married couple) rented an apartment and lived elsewhere. So it forced me to grow up and adapt to city living and navigating the city on my own. I got an extra special crash course during the midterm break when most of my fellow students went on trips while I stayed in London and had my purse stolen so I had to cope with all of the fallout of losing my belongings (thankfully not my passport or any other really difficult papers to replace) largely on my own. I returned much more capable to deal with being on my own than I was when I left.

      I also was on need based scholarships through undergrad and received an additional grant to cover my airfare and some incidentals for the trip. My mom was able to help with a little bit of money in case of emergency, but that was all.

    4. Cat*

      I did a year in Cairo. It was one of the best experiences of my life. I had never been out of North America (in fact, the U.S. and Canada) before, and it expanded my worldview–and my sense of what is possible–in a way that turned out to be permanent. One thing I regret–my Arabic at this point is pathetic, which is too bad.

      I don’t know if it helped me in my career directly, but it certainly did indirectly in terms of the experience it gave me.

    5. Katie the Fed*

      I did a semester in China. I studied Chinese and learned a lot about Chinese history and culture.

      That being said, I wish I had pushed myself outside of the American bubble more. I stayed a bit too close to my comfort zone.

      It gave me an insane love of travel though – I traveled across teh country at one point on my own and once you realize you can do that on your own there’s really nothing that can stop you.

      1. Cat*

        Traveling by yourself really is like nothing else, isn’t it? Especially in a foreign country. I don’t think anything else did as much to instill a sense of independence in me.

        1. Katie the Fed*

          Yes! I’m glad I did it when I was younger and less world-wise too, because I did some stuff I wouldn’t do now. Plus now I’m accustomed to a certain amount of creature comfort – no way would I take a train clear across the country again.

          I saw you studied in Egypt – that’s such a crazy/fun/intense place. I’ve only been since the Arab Spring but it was great. Cairo was a little scary at times though because of ongoing protests and the security situation but it was still fascinating. I really like the Middle East.

    6. LMW*

      I did an unusual one — an archaeological expedition in Wales and Ireland over the summer. It was just a few months – I left in late May and returned mid-August. It was really great for a few reasons. I learned I’m very well cut out for field work (Archaeological work is extremely meticulous and slow. You can literally sit there, scraping mud millimeter by millimeter and doing sketches, taking photos, etc. for days at a time) — I have good attention to detail and the patience to go slow. And I’m totally fine living and working in primitive conditions (sleeping in a tent, cooking on a camp stove) for weeks on end, as long as I can take a shower and do laundry every once in a while.
      What I don’t have is the political savvy to compete for the few positions in the field out there. There were SO MANY out of work graduates of the program who were at our camp just to keep building their resumes. Most of them worked in the service industry. With PhDs.
      So for me, it was a great chance to indulge in a something I’m passionate about, get hands on experience in a very specific field, and get enough credit to graduate on schedule (I’d switched majors and was 6 credits behind). Plus, I got a scholarship and was able to sublease my apartment over the summer.

        1. LMW*

          It was Castell Henllys, in Pembrokeshire, between Newport and Cardigan. (I worked on a 15th century farmhouse site nearby, which was only in the second season of excavation when I was there — the main site is an Iron Age fortification, which has since turned into a major site/tourist park since I think they’ve finished the actual excavation.)

      2. Katie the Fed*

        That’s so cool! I think I’d be bored to tears at an actual dig, but I’m fascinated by archeology.

    7. Laufey*

      I did a semester in Spain. Best decision I ever made in college. I had wanted to visit a lot of places in Spain for a very long time before going and worked three jobs the summer before I went so I could do everything on my list. Not only did I get so much Spanish practice (I was a double major), I got to take art & history courses (that I couldn’t justify taking at home), travel extensively throughout the country, and learn a lot about life outside the living with parents/college bubble.

      I did so much growing up during that semester.

      1. anonintheUK*

        My undergraduate degree is in modern languages, and I spent 10 months as a foreign language assistant in Germany – helping with language classes in schools, holding conversation classes etc. Firmly decided me that I did not want to teach and I do not particularly like most children.

    8. vvonderwoman*

      I studied in Paris during my freshman year of college. It was fantastic, and I really learned a lot about myself that year. Nothing like navigating French bureaucracy and paying rent to your French-speaking landlady to really be independent and hone your problem-solving skills. I had started the program assuming I would finish my 4 year degree in France, so I didn’t push myself into really learning as much French as possible, and I really regret that. I also didn’t take advantage of all of the travel opportunities or special events that happened annually, because I could just do it next year. So now I try to take advantage of every opportunity that interests me, and it’s largely due to that year.

      But then I realized as an EU citizen, I go to to the U of Malta for free (way cheaper than my 40k/year French experience!) so I went there for a year. I wasn’t really feeling my degree and so I eventually transferred to a US school. But that was the year I learned a lot about asking for help when I really needed it.

    9. rpcv for this*

      Does Peace Corps count? Three years in rural Africa…One of the first things I learned was what little I needed in terms of material things and ‘comforts’ (electricity, running water). I always found it funny when family and friends would ask, ‘So you’re alone in the village?’ Uh, no — I’m with the villagers…a lovely group of people and lucky me. All in all, highly recommend traveling abroad for study, exploration — whatever opportunity arises. An education like no other.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I wouldn’t consider Peace Corps study abroad – it’s Peace Corps! What country were you in? That’s amazing. I think it’s such a great program and I have so much respect for the people who do it.

        1. rpcv for this*

          Côte d’Ivoire. It’s an education abroad, in any case (but you’re right, not properly ‘study abroad’).

  98. fiat lux*

    Hey all, I’m a long-time lurker & first-time commenter :-) I’m about to be a military spouse and I’m curious if anyone here would be willing to share experiences/advice about:
    -finding work as a military spouse
    -finding administrative temp work when your background is not admin-heavy

    Some background info: I’m a master’s-level social worker, licensed in my home state. Plan A is to look for work in my field wherever the military takes us, but I’m concerned that I may not be able to find temporary work in my field. Especially since the time/money it would take me to get licensed in whichever state we find ourselves may not be worth it.

    So, Plan B is to look for temp admin work. Most of my background is mental health case management/counseling, but I did work as an admin assistant through college/grad school (I graduated in 2011). My question is – if I sign up with a temp agency, should I rework my resume to focus on admin skills I do have? I’m concerned that this would look strange, because my job titles post-graduation have been “case manager” or “counselor”, and it would probably look unusual to describe only the admin work I did in those roles. On the other hand, my resume as-is focuses on counseling and case management skills and doesn’t describe my admin skills/abilities.

    Apologies for the novella! Any advice would be highly appreciated :-)

    1. StaminaTea*

      Are you on any military significant other forums online? I recommend militarysos.com. My bf is Army reserve, so I can’t help with the job thing, but there are TONS of friendly experienced military significant others on there than can give you great advice.

      1. fiat lux*

        I’m not on any forums, but I’ve been looking for a good one. Thank you for the recommendation, I’ll check it out!

    2. Diet Coke Addict*

      Hye! I am a military spouse in Canada and I would be glad to discuss. I can’t speak to having a social work degree, but it sounds like you have a solid plan in the temp-agency thing, or at least you can try.

      I’d advise to not get too wedded to the idea that you can only work in your field, or even tangential to your field. Work is work, and if you’ll only be at your duty station a year or two, you know, eh. Keep up with continuing education and training, if possible, and try not to get too bummed out if you can’t find work in your field. And I’d definitely rework your resume–Alison advises keeping a master resume with EVERYTHING on it, and then pulling from that accordingly for different types of jobs.

      And practice writing killer cover letters. It can be tricky to negotiate the “I may only be here a year or three” waters, but if you’ll be in major base areas, many employers are familiar with it. It SUCKS in many ways, but it can also be very rewarding.

      I don’t know about the US, but is it possible that bases there have work opportunities for spouses and would welcome someone in the social work area?

      1. fiat lux*

        Thank you for the reply! I’m definitely open to all types of work, and I do think that my skills/experience could translate to many different fields – it’s just a matter of convincing potential employers of that. I will definitely have to step up my cover letter game!

        From what I’ve heard anecdotally, social work is far from the worst field for a military spouse. As you mentioned, some bases do have social service positions open – but from what I’ve seen, there’s maybe one open position per base at any given time, so I’m trying to build a contingency plan.

        1. Diet Coke Addict*

          Do a quick search in the AAM archives for “military,” I think there’s a few instances in there of spouses and their cover letters.

          And don’t let the negatives get to you, because there will be a lot of people lining up to tell you what you did wrong. You will be just fine!

      2. Chinook*

        A former Canadian militiary spouse here and I agree that you need to look outside your field if you want to work. I ended up leaving my teaching career behind, reluctantly, because I preferred actually working. The temp agency is what really helped too – I was able to convince one person of how my skills were transferrable and then she sold me to her clients. By showing that I was reliable and that there was a good reason for being out of work – following my spouse – I ended up gettng all the work I wanted.

        Don’t be afraid to mention the spouse in your cover letters and this is the only time I would ever do that. It can explain an interesting work history and self select out potential employers who would have issues with the military lifestyle. But, be prepared for the “how long will you be here” question that will inevitably come up. DH pointed out that the best answer for me to give is “as long as the government wants my husband here” and that I will give them as much notice as I can so that I can help them train my replacement. After a few moves, I was even able to use my references to show how smooth I can make the transition into a new job and for the next person.

        Lastly, don’t be afraid to make friends and connections wherever you are. Sometimes you will wonder if it is worth the effort if you are goign to be leaving in a year or so, but it can be a very isolating lifestyle if you let it. Plus, in Canada, the military is small enough that odds were good that you would run into someone again in a few years, but I don’t think it is like that down south.

  99. Grey*

    These open threads draw a lot of traffic. Any thoughts of adding a web forum to the site?

    1. fposte*

      It’s come up before; they’re notorious pains to manage, and Alison has indicated she can’t really devote the time to it.

  100. Carolum*

    I lost my job and am on unemployment in Illinois.

    I’m looking for jobs (as required by the law), but I’m also looking to start a business.

    On the one hand, starting and running a business is a full-time job. On the other hand, I assume it’ll be a while for the business to take off, so I’ll need the unemployment benefits for a time.

    Does anyone know if they can suspend your unemployment benefits if you start a business?

    When I do make some money in my business I know I’ll need to report it… and eventually I’ll be off unemployment. But I cant afford to be off unemployment while I get the business off the ground.

    1. Scotto*

      As long as you report the income and continue looking for other suitable work, I’d think you’d be fine…

      Note: I am _not_ a lawyer.

    2. Colette*

      A lot of businesses take a long time to make money. I’m concerned that you are depending on unemployment to get you through that time. What happens if your business isn’t profitable before your unemployment runs out?

      On the one hand, starting and running a business is a full-time job

      A lot of people start businesses on a part-time business, in addition to a full time job. This isn’t true for all types of businesses, but it’s worth asking yourself whether that’s something you could do.

    3. Cautionary tail*

      This is a huge red flag. As soon as you own your own business, you are no longer eligible for unemployment. I’ve seen this in several states. You should check on the particulars in your locale so you make a more fully informed decision.

  101. kyley*

    This week I gave my notice, and I’m going to be starting a new job in a few weeks! The position is a really big step up and it is with a company that I have admired for quite some time.

    I’m going to be working from home, and I was wondering if anyone had advice about best-practices for working remotely. How do you stay focused? How do you arrange your space? (My office will have to be in my bedroom, so I’d love any advice on how to make the best of that.) Any tips to follow or pit-falls to avoid?

    2. Betsy*

      I worked remotely for a period of time, and I’ll share my tips:

      1. Dress up. It seems like you should be able to work from your PJs (job perk), but wearing business casual clothes will help you feel more professional.

      2. Office in the bedroom is hard. I understand that it’s necessary, but the office in the bedroom may make it harder to sleep, because the brain makes associations with places, and when my office was in my bedroom, the lack of a transition made me think about work when I was trying to sleep. I’d suggest trying to partition the space if possible, or at least to give the desk area the “feel” of its own space.

      3. Shower regularly. Yeah, I know. But it’s important. And it’s hard.

      4. Decide what your work “rules” are going to be, write them down, and hold to them. Will you let yourself do laundry during work days? Listen to music? Have the TV on? Reassess regularly to make sure you’re not letting yourself get distracted.

      5. Find a way to have regular adult contact outside of your family. REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT. It’s very easy, when working from home, to find yourself in a pattern where you never leave your home or see people. Seeing people is important. If you do not see people, you will gradually start to feel like Dr. Crusher in that Star Trek episode where the universe was collapsing until she was the only person who had ever existed. (Do not repeat my mistakes, in other words.)

      1. kyley*

        Thank you for such a thoughtful response! These all make a lot of sense! I think that at the very least, cleaning up my desk and officially “putting things away” at the end of the day might help to get my mind off work when it’s time for sleeping.

        All your advice about structure (bathing & dressing!) and socializing make so much sense! I think I will sit down and write some “rules” and hang up them up for the first month or so. Thank you for the idea.

      2. Persephone Mulberry*

        Totally OT, but now I need to go find and watch that TNG episode.

    3. Anonsie*

      Make a really really clearly separated work space in your bedroom. Working in there is going to be hard– you’ll need a space that’s very much separate from the rest of it mentally, so trying to set it apart physically is important. Do you have space to put up a screen or something? Even if not, doing some small things to separate it visually like a wee rug just under your desk and chair, having separate colors, etc.

      I would strongly encourage you to see if there’s some other place in your home it could go, though I also know that’s not possible in plenty of apartments (or even houses). A lot of folks put their desk in the living room or wide end of a kitchen where a dining table might normally go, but that requires a certain amount of extra space that I know I haven’t often had.

      Another thing I’ve seen a lot of recently is putting a desk in a closet. Saves space and allows you to sort of put it away when it’s not work time. That’s the tough bit about working from home– deciding when you’re *not* on the clock. Apartment Therapy has had a lot of really nice examples of this recently.

      1. kyley*

        You’re right on about the size of my place. Our living room/kitchen doesn’t even have room for a side chair; a desk is just an impossibility, sadly. But I *really* like your idea about using a rug to delineate the space, and using different colors to make sleeping space and working space feel distinct. That could work well, I think. (I’m nervous about setting up a partition, because I don’t want to limit natural light, but that is something actually worth considering.)

        (And, in general, my husband and I really love where we live–great location, cheap rent, very good landlord, a private back yard in the city!– and we are hoping to stay here until we can afford to buy a place of our own. If it becomes untenable.)

        Looks like I’ll be digging through the AT archives this afternoon…

        1. Persephone Mulberry*

          I think the partition/screen is less for when you’re working and more for when you’re not. I have a great freestanding, foldable one that I picked up at a furnishings store that has bungee cords criss-crossing the panels so I can use it as a bulletin/photo board.

    4. samaD*

      a designated work space you can walk away from and (ideally) hide away at the end of the work day. if possible, a work computer that you only work on

      dress and shower, even if you wear more-casual-than-work clothes (I wear yoga pants, but I don’t have visual meetings)

      get outside before and after work – even just a five-minute walk around the yard really helps. if you can manage it on lunch/breaks, even better

      take the breaks you would at the office. it’s tempting not to, but it helps you focus

      it’s also tempting to ‘just log in for 5 minutes to look at this one thing’….except an hour later you’re still there. start the clock as soon as you log in. (even if it is just 5 minutes, they add up when you do it 5 times each night.)

      if you will be working while someone else is home come up with a way to indicate when you are at work – a sign, a closed door, a dancing cactus. basically, just a visual reminder that even though you’re there you aren’t really _there_

      it’s very easy to become a hermit :/

  102. Scotto*

    What do you all think of this opening for my cover letter?

    “You’ve probably been reading dozens of applications for your ___ position, so let me just cut to the chase and tell you why you should hire me:”

      1. Colette*

        Agreed. Also, it’s actually doing the opposite of what it’s saying it’s doing – you’re not getting directly to the point. Skip it and get to the stuff that counts.

    3. Carolum*

      Depends on the company.

      Are you sure they’re not too uptight? If so, then maybe that’ll fly.

      If it’s for a government or law firm, don’t.

      1. Scotto*

        It’s a marketing firm. They give off an impression that they’re not your typical firm. Their website has pictures of their staff making funny faces.

        If they’re going to be different, I feel like I need my cover letter and resume to be different than it normally would be. (Not _too_ different, but not cookie-cutter. I’m trying to market myself to a marketing firm!)

        1. Persephone Mulberry*

          Ignore the silly pictures and focus on the website content. I would try to make my cover letter mirror their corporate “voice” a little bit. Do they use short, active sentences? Adverbs, adjectives? Bullet points or more narrative paragraphs? Jargon? Basically, I want them to almost subconsciously feel like I’m already part of the team, even if they might not be able to put their finger on why.

          Does their website literally say to their customers, “let’s cut to the chase – here’s why you should hire us” ? Then neither should you. (On the flip side, if their message is that to-the-point, then hey, maybe they’ll eat up that opening line with a spoon.)

      1. kyley*

        For the job I just received, I was complimented *many* times on my cover letter. I did not have one line that caught anyone’s attention; any effort to win people over with one line will ultimately come across as gimmicky to most, I think.

        My success, I think, came to the face that it was a long and thorough letter, specific and unique to their organization and why I want to be a part of it. First, I took the job description and write bullets for every single point that they discussed and how I met their requirements. Then I really researched the company’s website and made notes about why I was excited about their current/recent projects. Then I took all that “pre-writing” and sat down to put it into cover letter form.

        Go for content and substance and you will stand out.

  103. Assessing Risk*

    Hi Everyone,

    I’ve been invited to participate in a project that would be interesting work, increase my visibility at a cost of increased time without an increase in income. Could be cool. BUT I have concerns about the co-lead on the project. My experience with that person leads to a lack of trust on a personal level and lack of confidence of administrative/organizational ability. I’m still interested, but cautious. Project is definitely interesting, I’d be very interested indeed under different leadership.

    How would you assess the risk for something like this?

    Thanks for your thoughts.

    1. Puddin*

      What is the worst that can happen? If you do not trust her personally, do not interact personally. As far as the professional concerns go, if the project crashes and burns what will be your career outcome versus skills/knowledge you have gained? Is the co-lead responsible for the admin and org areas? If you don’t like it can you extricate yourself gracefully? The answers might help you assess the risk…

  104. Windchime*

    It’s already over 700 posts and it’s not even noon here on the west coast.

    I posted a few weeks ago about several people getting let go, but management assuring us it was performance issues. Well, several other departments have had employees (some of them long-term) have their positions be eliminated as departments are being combined. Rumors are running rampant and the general feeling is that big layoffs are coming. I believe (hope?) that I am safe, but I know that is naive and I am still getting my resume in shape.

    Does anyone have suggestions for how to keep calm and focused during this time? What can I do to make myself less likely to be targeted when the layoffs come? The only thing I can think of is to try to remain calm, focused, and working hard. But even people who do that aren’t necessarily safe, I’m sure.

    It’s a scary, scary time. I hate waiting for the ax to fall.

    1. unemplaylist*

      I think the only thing you can do is get your resume dusted off (good for you!) and start putting out feelers. I was in a similar situation a year ago and am now kicking myself for not having done that when the handwriting was on the wall. Instead, I chose to believe the people who told me my position was safe and everything would be fine. They were either lying, or wrong. So “expect the best and prepare for the worst.” Good luck.

      1. Windchime*

        Yeah, I’ve got a couple of people telling me that they are pretty sure I’m not on the list; however, lists can change and I’m nervous.

        After I made my initial post today, a company-wide email went out tonight saying that the company understands change can be difficult, and here are a couple of meetings people can attend if they need help dealing with change. Yikes.

    2. Carolum*

      Start networking now (while you’re still employed) – that way, if/when it happens you’ll have a head start.

      That’s the best advice I can give.

    3. Bryan*

      I would go further and not only dust your resume off but start applying for jobs. The hiring process is long. This way if layoffs come you’re ahead of the game. Without knowing the specific situation I don’t think it’s possible to tell you how to position yourself to be less targeted and it might not be possible to be less targeted.

  105. unemplaylist*

    Hello y’all. I have many years of experience as a marketing communications writer — not ad copy, but features, newsletters, web content, annual reports, that sort of thing. I’m applying for a job that is called “resource writer” (never heard that before) for a foundation/government relations division of a large nonprofit. The job description is pretty vague but does mention that grant-writing (which I have not done) and stewardship writing (which I have, some) experience is preferred. So, any advice on how to sell my marcom skills in this environment? I’m certain the skills could translate, but would love any ideas. Thanks.

    1. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      The feeling I get from “resource writer” (based on nothing but my gut) is that it’s a catch-all phrase, as opposed to something specific. That they want someone who can do all kinds of writing. So I would highlight the diversity of your writing experience, and emphasize the things like stewardship writing that you’ve done and they explicitly mention.

      Depending on the org, I might use the phrase “Jack-of-all-writing” or some more clever version of that. :)

  106. Kimberlee, Esq.*

    Maybe too late to get anything out of it, but why not try?

    Personal/Exec assistants of AAM: do you buy travel insurance when you book a flight? Like, the $30 one that Travelocity always offers. I never do, since it seems like the range of stuff that’s covered is so narrow, but I’d be interested to know if there are companies where it’s standard policy to always get the insurance.

    1. Bryan*

      We never do. My personal credit card just started including travel insurance so maybe see if you use corporate cards if they include it?

    2. LMW*

      I’m not sure about how it works in corporations, because I would think the corporation would have this covered already…or have a policy in place.
      Personally, I do –and I always will. I went on vacation in March and due to a missed connection (de-icing took too long) missed my first night at my destination, where my hotel had a no refund policy. I was reimbursed through insurance. I also scuffed my rental car on a curb – the rental agency didn’t care, but I discovered after the fact that the travel insurance included rental car coverage. My travel insurance was $30. Rental car insurance is $30 a day!

  107. Max*

    I just wanted to ask about monthly paychecks- my current job is weekly pay and I just interviewed for place that does monthly pay. Any insights on making it work? My partner is concerned about budgeting

    1. CanadianWriter*

      I would put my whole paycheck in savings each month and pull 1/4 of it out each week. Or you could withdraw the cash and keep it in four envelopes if cash is more your thing.

    2. Bryan*

      I can tell you as someone has worked hard to not be awful with money and went from bi-weekly to monthly it sucks. You might consider opening a second account and transferring from your second account to your primary account (some accounts limit the number of times you can transfer out).

    3. fposte*

      Have you laid out a monthly household budget? Theoretically, the pay intervals shouldn’t make any difference, because you’ve got the same amount of money available, but without a budget it’s sure easy to go on how full the account feels.

      1. TK*

        +1

        I didn’t realize til I read this site that pay intervals were something that actually made a difference to a lot of people. Budgeting is important, people!

    4. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      I really don’t mind monthly pay. If you have a budget, that’s good. Also, if you can re-set any monthly payments you make (credit card, phone, cable, interwebz, whatever) to auto-pay at the beginning of the month (or the day after whatever day your pay deposits), that makes it a lot easier too. Reduce the number of bills you’ve got due at the end of the month.

    5. kyley*

      I find it easier to budget, in some ways, because I just sit down and pay all of my bills on the first of the month. I know exactly what I have left for the rest of the month for groceries, going out to eat, etc. Applying self-discipline in the beginning of the month, when you are flush, can be hard, but I think there are a lot of upsides to it.

    6. Betsy*

      I found monthly pay a lot easier than my current biweekly pay, because I did like kyley does and paid all of my bills on payday. With biweekly, sometimes I get two checks in a month and sometimes 3, and my bank account fluctuates a lot more. It’s annoying.

    7. Jubilance*

      I loved being paid monthly. I’d pay all the bills at the beginning of the month, regardless of their due date, and then the rest of the $ was mine to budget for groceries, other needs and fun stuff.

      If you need help with budgeting, I highly recommend the You Need A Budget software. It’s really great.

  108. Chris*

    Not much to write about today.

    I do have one question for HR peeps:

    Why do some companies have a “graduation time limit” for entry level application positions? Example: an entry level engineering position I’m looking at right now requires the candidate to have graduated less than 18 months ago. What does a company gain / lose by having this type of restriction here since it seems rather arbitrary (as opposed to having a req. of knowing C++ or LabVIEW, which is understandable since you’d need those skills to perform the job functions)?

    1. samaD*

      not an HR peep, but my guess would be there may be an incentive of some sort for hiring recent grads (funding? tax break? website bragging rights? people willing to sit in the uncomfortable chairs?)

  109. Anna Moose*

    Has anyone used the Employee Assistance Program at their job? I’ve also heard it called E.A.R. for Employee Assistance Resource. It’s a counseling service offered to employees. I know it’s supposed to be confidential but I’m hesistant to use it. I don’t want my employer thinking I can’t handle my work-personal life balance.

    For the record, I don’t use the Wellness credit that’s offered also. We receive money off our medical insurance for bloodwork & health surveys. I rather pay to keep my privacy.

    1. fiat lux*

      I haven’t used an EAP, but I can tell you that EAPs are bound to professional ethics and health care privacy laws. Moreover, all licensed mental health professionals are bound to the code of ethics of their licensure board. I’m a licensed social worker, and trust me, both my employer and I personally take confidentiality VERY seriously.

      Generally speaking, the only circumstances in which your confidentiality would be broken would be if you disclosed information about:
      – the abuse of a child, an elderly person, or a disabled person
      – intent to harm yourself
      – intent to harm others

      I sincerely urge you to seek the help you need. Best of luck!

    2. cuppa*

      I used mine, but for a personal, not work-related issue. I’m pretty sure that only a tally and a category is reported to your employer (i.e. 6 people used it for smoking cessation, 12 people used it for financial counseling, 4 people used it for stress, etc.)

      I would say go for it, especially if it is managed by an outside company.

    3. StaminaTea*

      Use it! I convinced a coworker who was posting depressing stuff on Facebook to go and he’s found it helpful. I also spoke to the counselors on the phone about him, they were really nice and professional. This is a benefit of your job, so you should totally take advantage.

    4. Gene*

      I used it to hook up with a therapist while my first wife was finally dying (she had congenital cardiac problem, doctors said she’d die by 30, was 45 when she finally went). As far as I know, nothing was shared with my employer other than that I had used it.

      If you think you need some help, you need help, period.

    5. Colette*

      I used it at a previous job. I’m pretty sure the company just knew someone had used it, not the specifics – and the eap assured me of that when I called.

    6. Graciosa*

      My personal opinion is that people who manage their lives well get whatever help they need. Please don’t let an amorphous fear stop you.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      The only drawbacks I have heard of is that their records can be used in court and there is a limited numbers of times an employee can use the service.

      I’d take the opportunity and go.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Yes. They don’t tell your work anything. If yours is like ours, you call them and they hook you up with providers and then you go from there.

      Mine couldn’t find me anyone who had evening appointments, but then things improved, so I didn’t need to go back.

  110. Jamie*

    I have a weird language thing about pronouns – but it’s not a controversial issue. Just wondering how this works in other families.

    I was raised that it’s rude to use all pronouns in reference to someone who is right there, you should say their name instead.

    For example: I am in the kitchen making dinner and my husband asks #1 son to take out the trash. If #1 son replied, “She asked me to wait until she was done cooking and take it out after” my mom would have considered that rude. It should have been “Mom asked me to wait until she was done cooking and take it out after.”

    So the initial reference to me should have my name – and she is okay after. I don’t think this is an official rule, I really think my mom just made it up.

    So that’s how I’ve raised my kids, and that’s how I do it with everyone – it’s just habit.

    So is this just a totally made up thing or is there a name for this – it is a rule of speech? I know so little about the technical aspect of the nomenclature for this kind of thing (still can’t diagram a sentence.)

    Another weird thing – my husband almost never calls me by my name. Sometimes hon (eye roll) but mostly just speaks directly to me. It struck me the other day when he did use it, because I wasn’t responding thinking he was talking to one of the kids, and I was startled because it’s so unusual for me to hear him say my name.

    He can say it, he will say it when speaking with other people, but not when speaking directly to me. If it took me this long to notice I probably shouldn’t be bothered by it, but is this one of those tells that points to something I should worry about.

    I use his name all the time. His name, his given names, nick names, pooh-bear, heat miser, Mr. Snuffleupagus…

    Should I take this personally. He uses the kids names like a normal person.

    1. fposte*

      As usual for you, you (or your mom) have some historic convention behind your tastes. Hence the classic old-school nanny reproof: “Who’s ‘she’? The cat’s mother?”

      But I also think the spouse never using your name thing isn’t all that uncommon, and it’s not a sign that points to anything. My parents, like many, never called their kids by their actual names, and I think some people just expand that to families in general.

      1. Diet Coke Addict*

        My dad used to berate me about this using those EXACT words. “Who’s she? The cat’s mother?” I was never, ever allowed to use “she” in reference to my mom as a third person. Exactly in the sense of “Mom did….blah blah….and said she would take me to the library…blah blah.”

        So whatever it is, there is precedent behind it.

    2. cuppa*

      I very rarely use my husband’s name. At home it’s usually a pet name, and at work, I say “my husband”. My boss’s name is the same, so it helps clear up some confusion. But now, I’ve kind of condition myself, and I find myself saying “my husband” to my mom and other family, which is weird and awkward.
      I might start using his name more consciously. I wonder if he’ll notice.

      Also, I would say that my husband usually only uses my name when he calls to me from another room.

      1. Kelly L.*

        I rarely use my BF’s name, and I’m not sure why. I use it rarely enough that it feels weird when I do say it. I have a whole host of nicknames for him though.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I only use my husband’s name if I’m talking about him to a third party or calling him from another room. I’ve been like this with all past boyfriends too, I think. And I’m pretty sure they’ve all been like that with me. And I’m also like that with friends and family members. Hmmm.

    3. Kelly L.*

      I’ve heard this rule before and your post explains something I’d never understood about it before–I had somehow gotten the impression that it was thought rude to use the pronoun at all, even after the name/title is used, so you’d have to say “Mom asked me to wait until Mom was done cooking and take it out after.” Your way makes so much more sense.

      1. Fish Microwaver*

        Yeah I’ve heard that cat’s mother thing too, again from my mother. Strangely I have never heard a reference to the “cat’s father” when my father was referred to as “he”.

        Jamie, it is not rude to use pronouns. I’m sure this is just some silly “rule” from days when piano legs had to be covered and referred to as “limbs”.

    4. StaminaTea*

      My boyfriend actually never uses my name either. He says “hon” or just starts talking. I suspect it’s normal for guys and I’m totally OK with it.

      I only use my bf’s name when I want his attention or I’m whining about something (jokingly).

    5. Diet Coke Addict*

      I don’t think it sounds like a tell? To me it just sounds like….a habit. I very rarely call my husband by name, and my parents rarely called each other by name, either. I think it’s just a habit.

    6. Eden*

      My husband and I pretty much never use our names with each other, unless we are in Target and the other person is walking the wrong way with the cart.

      I won’t say ‘she’ in front of the person I’m referring to either, it seems rude, or if not rude, somehow less refined. Don’t recall ever being taught this, but I certainly absorbed it somewhere!

      Why “the cat’s mother?” I take it this is meant as a scathing reprimand, but it seems funny to me instead.

    7. Persephone Mulberry*

      On the name/pronoun thing: this is probably just me being a huge dork, but I think my biggest issue is that starting the sentence with “she” is grammatically questionable. Imagine it in writing:

      “Josh, take out the trash please,” said Dad.
      “She said to wait until she’s done cooking,” replied Josh.

      She, who? Even if Mom is standing right there, you haven’t established who “she” is in this conversation. Compare to:

      “Josh, your mother asked you to take out the trash,” said Dad.
      “She changed her mind and told me to wait until she’s done cooking,” replied Josh.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I was taught in school that it is a good writing practice to first name the person then the next reference can be he/she. The assumption is that the pronoun refers back to the very last person who was mentioned in the writing.

      This would be bad writing:

      Steven said to leave, so she left.

      We have no idea who “she” is.

    9. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

      My husband and I never, I mean never use each other’s names.

      We both call each other “honey” or “hon”. I refer to him as “your father” or “Dad” to the kids, and “my husband” or “the husband” to other people. Ever occasionally I might use his first name in talking to other people and it sounds so weird coming out of my mouth. Both of us do the same thing and I have no idea why.

      Pronoun question, pretty sure it is an actual manners thing.

      1. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

        And I should say we’ve been together long enough to have have had some bad years. The “honey” thing persisted even when we wanted to push each other down the stairs for the life insurance money. :p

    10. Rose Red*

      I wouldn’t take it personally at all. I never use people’s names directly when talking to them, and I find it weird when they use mine (not as weird as when they use a ton of pet names, those make me cringe so hard).

      If it bothers you, talk to him about it.

  111. German Chick*

    Juicy question:
    I work in an 8 level office building with 1 or 2 companies per floor and shared restrooms. On our floor, there is 3 women using our restroom. On Wednesday, I bump a lady I young woman from another floor walking out of our bathroom, with the toilet’s busy sign still on. So I kneel down to the floor: there is still two feet in there! Male feet! A little later, a bald guy walks out. Aaaaah! Someone is going boinkers in our work bathroom. Nasty! Or am I overreacting? What would you have done?

    1. KCS*

      Gross! I’d be a little traumatized actually. I don’t think there’s anything you CAN do. Report it to HR? I don’t know!

      I was in a similar situation – I was working late and I heard loud, obvious “sex sounds” coming from a conference room. I was actually scared and did NOT want to know who they were so I bolted for the elevator. Just as I was getting into the elevator, the conference room door started to open. I averted my eyes.

    3. Jamie*

      Wow! Sometimes I think I’m the only person in the world without juicy scandal going on at work!

      1. Windchime*

        Nope, my workplace is the same. Apparently there have been compromising situations in the past, but I’m never aware of them until they are over and done with. I’m just not tuned into that kind of thing, I guess.

    4. German Chick*

      My friends think it’s funny, I am irritated. Not sure if I will talk to the woman if I ever see her again (I would recognize her but probably not the guy, except if he were to wear the same shoes).
      I put up a sign in our elevator :
      “Nasty! If you want to get cozy with your coworker, don’t chose our restroom. There are nicer places in this town.”

      1. Miss Jackson*

        Passive aggressive notes, oh joy. That will most definitely solve the problem. /facepalm

        Why on earth did you kneel down to peer under the door? That’s creepy!

  112. Kate*

    How can I help a coworker who appears to have depression and is fried at work?

    I have been working on a big project with 2 coworkers, Beth and Jim. Beth had a baby in September and was on leave for 3 months. She had a hard delivery and first 3 months. She has no family around to help her, and her husband works full time. Beth is a very sweet, generous person, and she has a hard time accepting help. We are fairly close friends, and during her leave I would offer to help her out – take care of the baby for a few hours, clean her house, bring her food, etc. She never took me up on any offers.

    Now at work, she is frazzled with this project and her other duties, and some stuff going on at home. She is barely getting any sleep. She seems very defeated and overwhelmed. Jim, with whom she is also close, has talked with her and thinks she is suffering from depression. We are worried about her. We constantly offer to take things off her plate, but she has a hard time letting go. I would appreciate any advice on how we can help her!

    1. StaminaTea*

      My response probably won’t be helpful – but do you have an Employee Assistance Office that you can talk to or get her to go to?

      Also, can you give her a date and time and just declare that you’re coming over to her house to give her a break? Don’t ask – tell. And show up. And bring food to put in the freezer. I don’t have kids, but the first few years sound really really rough.

  113. Victoria, Please*

    There’s a lot about bad bosses on here so I just thought I’d like to sing the praise of an excellent boss, and thank heaven that s/he is MY boss! This person has my back, spends a few minutes when I have questions, tells me when I’m doing well, lets me know when I’ve fallen behind, trusts my judgement and asks me for my opinion (and takes it!), deeply understand the organization, is responsive… just a great boss overall. I wish I could give the person’s name but they’d be furious.

    There ARE great bosses out there. I’m lucky enough to have one. Anyone else?

    1. CanadianWriter*

      I love my boss; she’s the best. She’s always in a good mood and always working hard. I swear she’s at work 24/7. I think the company might have had her manufactured in a factory somewhere…?

    2. LMW*

      At my last job, I had an awesome boss. It made it really hard to leave. She was attentive to what I needed, made sure I was working on projects that leveraged my strengths and interests, and helped me when I needed help. I really felt like we were a team and I knew exactly what my role was on that team.
      Plus, she’s just a pleasant person to be around! I really miss having her as a boss, but we still keep in touch and try to go out for lunch or dinner once a month.

    3. Windchime*

      Yes, my boss is the best. I have had a couple of really good ones but he is far and away the best. He’s smart, good with people and is very technically skilled. He pays attention to the dynamics of the group and nips problem behaviors in the bud. Plus he’s just a really nice guy. If he has any fault at all, it’s that he’s super busy and sometimes loses track of time. He’s kind of an absent-minded professor.

      Unfortunately, he’s so amazing that he’s the kind of guy who could probably write his ticket anywhere. I hope he stays around because I love working for him.

  114. Confession Kitty*

    I was going to post this in the worst workplace sin column the other day and got swamped for time. And also chickened out – but now I’m full of Friday bravery.

    (And I know these are bad, btw, I’m not justifying myself – just telling the stories.)

    First was from a couple of years ago. I have a couple times a year which are always 70-80 hours weeks and a 2-3 of weeks without a day off. I’m okay with that, knew it coming in, but it’s part of the deal. During one of these which was far worse than normal due to issues caused by other people which my boss should have handled and didn’t (which he admitted) I was in a very disgruntled place.

    I was also sick, it was the beginning of my anemia going from a holding pattern to kicking my ass but I didn’t know that yet – I was just achy and fatigued and it was messing with my head.

    My boss mentioned my bonus which was a couple hundy shy of what was agreed to – definitely not a big deal – it should have been 10% of yearly salary and it was a little short because of how they calculated unused vacay which was paid out, and I lost my mind.

    I didn’t yell, I didn’t get visibly angry…I just marched into my bosses office and quit. On the spot. I said I’d be happy to stay until end of big project 3 months out, because I didn’t want to leave them screwed, and I’d be happy to turn in my phone and company card and leave immediately. Whatever. He was shocked – not really like me – and the discussion went no where after I said I appreciated the opportunity and have enjoyed working there, but reasonable people can disagree on value of an employee and clearly we see the value of my work differently.

    I have 2 modes when angry. Ugly cry or very, very like a lawyer robot. Not my most loveable.

    He was clearly pissed. Said he would prefer me to stay but I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do. I asked if he wanted me to leave now or ride out the project. He said no one is telling you to leave – this is your decision.

    I walked back to my office and by the time the door shut I’m in full on ugly cry. I am blind with anger and my mascara running all over the place. I’m pulling out my purse to get my phone, key, and card together and I’m moments from storming out.

    Then I remember some network passwords that I know they will need which I had forgotten to add to my password db, so I add those in. Then I create a couple of pages of documentation for how to resolve a server issue we were having. As angry as I was I didn’t want to leave them screwed – and I knew who would be thrown these responsibilities and wanted to make sure she was covered.

    Put a short cut to my manuals and password db on my desktop, with an electronic sticky letting them know where everything was…

    So storming out wasn’t as immediate as I’d have liked – but this was all in the space of less than 5 minutes…

    Then my other boss comes in and I can’t even look at her – I like and respect her so much as a person and she’s been so kind to me now I feel like I’m running away from home. Cannot even make eye contact with her.

    She tells me she knows I’m overtired and stressed about work, and they should have made sure I had more help with X…yada yada. Then asks me to please not make a decision while I’m so upset and just to think about it. If I still want to leave after sleeping on it we’ll talk about a good transition plan.

    I tell her it’s too late because I’ve already quit to other boss and I’m sure he wants me to leave. She says, “Who do you think sent me in here?”

    So we put my quit in limbo – I agree to table it and get through the next couple of hell weeks, then if I still want to leave they agreed to let me work out the 3 months of my big project and be able to look for work and go on interviews without hiding it or burning PTO.

    I still cringe when I think about it, hands down the most unprofessional day of my life. My boss with whom I had the conversation is open about how averse he is to conflict. I’d have made him less uncomfortable if I’d let loose a swarm of angry bees in his office.

    And no one is indispensable – believe me I am not overstating my own import here…but at that particular time would have been the most inconvenient time for me to walk out – so I’m still not sure if they were so gracious because they wanted me to stay in general, or just really needed me to stay through those couple of weeks.

    Anyway – most of the time I don’t think about it, and it doesn’t appear that my relationship with them has changed. My job has expanded in exactly the way we had agreed to expand it…but in the back of my mind I know that since I still think of it and cringe I’m sure it’s changed their perception of me.

    Lesson learned – I clearly have a breaking point at which I will lose all sense of reason and self preservation. I now make sure I take a day or two off before we approach that point.

    1. Blue Anne*

      Ouch. Sounds like a lesson learned about how much you can handle.

      Don’t beat yourself up *too* hard – I had a co-worker who used to do that about once a month. Eventually she went through with it, left her keys on her desk and stormed out, and my manager finally made the decision not to accept her back once she’d calmed down.

      Once, though… everyone breaks once. At some point. Right?

    2. Graciosa*

      I like your “lesson learned” approach and the idea of making a commitment to take care of yourself. That’s more important than most people realize.

      I can’t speak for your bosses, but I will say that I’ve been the boss in a similar scenario, and I completely understood it. Good bosses manage humans and not robots.

      My personal lesson learned from times of stress is to always be as kind to yourself as you would be to a dear friend in the same situation.

    3. Persephone Mulberry*

      But, but…did you actually leave at the end of the three months or did you end up staying? Inquiring minds need to know.

      1. Confession Kitty*

        Ha – yeah, I forgot to reevaluate and they never mentioned it so I stayed.

    4. Windchime*

      Don’t feel bad, Confession Kitty. I had a meltdown in my boss’s office this week, complete with shaky voice and tears. He has great people skills, but I took him completely off-guard so he said something that came out wrong (not offensive, just not particularly sensitive). Anyway, I took a literal chill-pill and got out of the office for a little while just to calm down. He came to ask me a question later and then said something calm and reassuring to me.

      The whole thing is really embarrassing. I have trouble with anxiety and I can see now that I was caught in an anxious spiral, but at the time it all seemed SO! IMPORTANT!

  115. futuremoneymaker*

    Are minors worth it? I’m majoring in finance and minoring in economics. I actually like economics better but I think it looks better to have a finance major, plus I would rather have a minor than take a bunch of unrelated classes just to meet the credit quota. Anyway, I recently found out that my adviser was able to transfer additional credits from my Associates I received at another college, so I could drop the minor and graduate sooner. Should I do it? Do minors matter?

    1. Bryan*

      I would drop the minor and graduate sooner. Especially with your combination of major/minor no employer is going to care that you minored in economics.

      1. College Career Counselor*

        I have NEVER had an employer ask about a student’s minor. Students have mentioned it/used the courses therein to showcase their knowledge about a certain content, but in every instance that was about the courses, not the fact that the student had a minor.

    2. AAA*

      I doubt that a minor in econ when you are majoring in finance is going to matter at all. On the other hand, I have found my minor really helpful to employers on several occasions–but my major and minor were really different (Major- Anthropology, Minor- Computer Science).

    3. Persephone Mulberry*

      Personally I think a minor is about getting value from that particular collection of classes, not because there’s a financial/employment benefit.

      Under your circumstances, I’d drop the minor and graduate earlier…but I might be biased because I just pushed back my own graduation date by a semester.

  116. I'm anon for this but I've been posting upthread*

    So….what was good/bad about your week this week?

    Good: I had an interview! For a job I would want. I was happy to be interview as apparently they had over 70 applicants for the post.

    Bad: I only just got paid 2 days ago and after all my bills have gone out I will have about $410 left for the rest of the month to live on/buy things to make lunch with etc – it’s becoming untenable, working for so little money. (which is why the job search)

    1. Ruffingit*

      Posted my regular best/worst post for this week right below yours. Didn’t see it. Would you like to take over posting it? It would be best if one person did it so there’s not repeats. Let me know.

    2. Sascha*

      Best: Kung fu practice. I’ve started taking Wing Chun. I love it so much I could cry from happiness.

      Worst: The realization sinking in, yet again, that I’m never going to advance at this job.

      But yeah, Wing Chun. I focus on that and it gets me through the day. :)

    3. Mimmy*

      Best: Seeing my grad certificate application FINALLY coming together; hoping to hit “submit” by tomorrow.

      Worst: Watching a couple members of my state council going at it at yesterday’s meeting. No one was screaming and everything was still professional, but it was getting pretty heated. This is my first meeting as an official member, and I was so disheartened to see disagreement heading to an uncomfortable level. The woman who’d referred me to this council said it was unusual for things to get like that but the issue at hand has been simmering for a few months and said things should get better. I sure hope she’s right :/

    4. Ruffingit*

      Worst: I run a couple of weekly groups and one of them was HORRIBLE. Really made me reconsider bothering with it at all.

      Best: Got a lot done this week. Felt good to cross them off the to-do list.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Answering this a bit late, but Good: I finished my homework that I had for the week, giving me a week to work on the things I’m still behind on (mostly for the healthcare writing class).

      Bad: I had to stay up until 2 am to do it. >_<

      Good: I got my passport yesterday. Whee! The world is mine!

  117. Ruffingit*

    FRIDAY BEST AND WORST!

    What was the worst thing about your week?

    What was the best thing about your week?

    1. Chris*

      Best:

      -Tony is still alive in Survivor. And he won’t be on the block until the final 4 the way he’s playing. His characteristic combination of:

      -paranoia
      -need for drama
      -intelligence

      makes him unpredictable and really fun to watch. I wouldn’t bet on him winning the whole thing, but at the same time, I hope he does.

      – Kyle Seager returning to boss levels of boss. Elias putting up 10 K’s on the Yankees last night was also pretty boss. Fernando Rodney not scaring me to death in his last couple outings was boss too.

      Worst:

      – dealing with multiple people who tell me to dress up and go to local companies to send my resume directly and / or speak directly with company presidents and / or ask to “volunteer” as an engineer at those companies to get my foot in the door. “My friend did this and got a job that way.” “You need a human element because people don’t like machines.” “In the 80’s, I had to go door -to – door at every company I could find to get a job.” etc. I’m tired of explaining to multiple people why their reasoning behind these actions is fallacious and how times have changed since then.

      “But you’ve been tailoring resumes and cover letters day and night since you graduated (June 2012) and you still haven’t found a job. And you’re an aerospace engineer.”

      Yeah, I know…

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4

          1. Ruffingit*

            Oh awesome, thanks! I never did know who the person was and I love that meme so it’s cool to find out.

    2. Ruffingit*

      Alison, please delete this posting as it’s a duplicate of someone else’s. Thanks.

    3. Jamie*

      Best: Reconnected with a childhood friend after we haven’t spoken for 10 years. (No reason – just busy and socially weird on my end.)

      Worst: My daughter mocking my inability to use Facebook properly and posting this goofy/scary picture 2 times for every time I delete it. It’s like gremlins when you get them wet – they just keep multiplying. Really hope she gets bored with that soon.

      1. Carrie in Scotland*

        You can have it Ruffingit :) you’re a more prolific poster than I am, so people would probably take more notice of you and the mini-thread.

        1. Ruffingit*

          Just for the record, I’m not one of those types of people who gets all bitter about this stuff. I know some people on the Internet get all crappy with the whole attitude of “But it’s MINE.” I don’t care who posts it, just didn’t want repeating threads. :)

          On another note, how are things in Scotland? I’m listening to an audiobook where the characters just returned from Scotland and now I want to go. I’ve been to Europe before, but never to Scotland and it’s definitely on the list now.

          1. Carrie in Scotland*

            Shall we job share? You take next week and I’ll take the following week? ;)

            As for Scotland – right now it is sunny but chilly. Politics are starting to becoming very prolific (in Sept the country gets to decide if we go solo or stay part of the UK). I live in a small but expensive city, so I’m not in the central belt where everything happens. My city is quite…insular.
            There are some amazing places to visit though, although I must confess to lacking in some visiting of said amazing places myself. It’s not just all Edinburgh and Glasgow but the Highlands & Islands should be on your list should you – or anyone else – come and visit.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              I will, definitely, the next time I come to the UK. I am dying to spend some time around Inverness. It’s so gorgeous up there. This trip, Wales is on the agenda. And hopefully it won’t be 30 years before I get to come back.

              I’m pretty excited about this trip–I got a ticket to Riverdance in Cardiff! Whoo hoo!

    4. shaky bacon*

      Worst: pulled a neck muscle when I sneezed in the shower yesterday morning while shaving my leg. Just… yeah.

      Best: Hit my fave ramen joint twice this week. I love food so much.

    5. Persephone Mulberry*

      Worst: Our Landlord is selling our house and gave us our 30 day notice on Saturday.

      Best: Now, that’s a stumper. :o/

    6. Blue Anne*

      Best: Thursday was just a really good day. Best in a long time. I woke up cheerful, I had a new bra that actually fit, work was easy and my co-workers were pleasant. After work I met up with my husband to go to a talk on Scottish Independence with my husband, and got to grill some politicians on immigration policies, and met some very cool people at the reception afterwards. And on the way there I stopped to give directions to some tourists. It was just a really nice day. I can’t remember the last time that happened.

      Worst: It’s that bloody time of the month again.

      1. Blue Anne*

        Whoops, I wrote “with my husband” a few too many times in that sentence. It was super nice to have a bit of a date with him, though.

        1. Ruffingit*

          A nice day with your husband is always awesome, especially when you just don’t get enough of those kinds of days.

    7. Golden Yeti*

      Best: Had a great (albeit short) chat with someone from a company I’m interested in. It seems like there could be mentorship potential?

      Worst: Warm weather went away (again), and no new job prospects.

    8. Littlemoose*

      Best: finding out a friend’s cancer is localized and that she will not need chemo or radiation!
      Worst: just not getting enough done at work this week. I had a couple of tough projects, but still, I need to get my shit together and get more done.

    9. Windchime*

      Best: The weather was absolutely gorgeous up here in the PNW. It’s raining now (Friday night), but it was in the 70’s and 80’s most of the week.

      Best #2: FLOWERS. I usually have the prettiest flowers on the street (she says modestly) and I’ve been in a flower-buying frenzy this week. I saw a hummingbird tonight so I need to get my flowers planted and my feeder up!

      Worst: Work uncertainty and stress over getting a project finished up. I’m definitely glad it’s the weekend.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      Best–when people left work, they actually paused by my cube to say bye. :) Usually they just bail.

      Worst–homework stress, but the end is in sight.

  118. Confession Kitty*

    My second confession is really recent – which goes to show I still suck on a lot of levels.

    Backstory – we have a relatively new hire, couple of months in, and I don’t like him. He is very good at one of the things he was hired to do, but he sucks at the other things he was hired to do and those are the ones that have an immediate impact on my job. So all the promises that this guy would make X and Y easier he’s actually made it worse as it relates to his department.

    And he’s smarmy and a suck up…seriously, very few people haven’t had issues with how he works. No one likes him.

    He goes to HR wondering why no one likes him and how we (my name was mentioned in particular, along without about 10 others) have a “wall” up and while we’re professional and polite he can’t get to know us because we won’t “let him in.”

    Whatever I should be nicer as a human being I guess, but I really think polite and professional is all that’s required for a coworker.

    Anyway – I was neither of those things in my sin story.

    I was engrossed in end of month close, which was made more complicated due to mistakes he made, so he’d already cost me several hours. I am actively typing and focused on my screen when he comes in my office and starts talking. Some question about do we have a report that does X or whatever…non urgent.

    Me: “Give me a minute” keeps typing
    Him: has not stopped talking
    Me: “I need a second, I’m in the middle of X.” still typing.
    Him: has not even stopped to breathe and has not stopped talking even when I was speaking.
    Me: (fuck up transaction – now need to clear it and reenter everything – he just cost me another 10 minutes.) “You cannot come into my office and just start talking. I was in the middle of X which I now have to redo. There are procedures for submitting a request for information. You need to send me an email.”
    Him: well, all I need is just X. it will only take you two seconds to tell me.
    Me: I do not sit here doing nothing until someone comes to me with a question. I am doing my job, send me an email and it will go in my queue and it will be answered in order of priority.

    Yes, I know I was being a bitch and my transaction was already f’ed up – so I could have looked up what he needed in seconds. On principal I couldn’t.

    My tone from the time I f’ed up the transaction was normal speaking voice, but as if I was speaking to an obnoxious child I didn’t like. Terse with more than a hint of annoyance. Not my usual MO.

    He says…”whatever” and walks away. I replied that if he has an issue with the way I run my department I will be happy to schedule a meeting with our boss to discuss it.

    This last part was louder than my normal speaking voice but only because he was already out of my office and walking away. I didn’t yell at any point.

    So, suffice to say I’m self absorbed enough that I didn’t think any more about it until yesterday when I was once again doing end of month stuff and it occurred to me that I haven’t spoken to him since. Not unusual given our positions, I didn’t need anything from him (someone else is doing what he messed up before) and if he didn’t have a computer issue no reason to seek me out. And I was grateful he wasn’t doing his drive by chats to try to be friends anymore.

    Anyway, a co-worker said that he came to her with a problem and she sent him to see me about it. His reply? “I can’t. We’re not talking.”

    He then recounted the incident, accurately, which surprised me…and said ever since then “we aren’t speaking.” One, I never spoke to him unless I had a work related reason, but two – I would never not speak to someone at work. I’m not 12.

    So apparently we’ve been in this fight for a month and I had no idea.

    I know for a fact he didn’t mention anything to our boss or any of tptb because I’d have heard (I know how the grapevine works here). He assured my coworker that he didn’t, like it’s some favor to me. I would have been okay if he had, my boss would have understood. I’d have said I was sorry for being harsh and reiterated why he was completely and totally wrong.

    I am not the only one who dislikes this guy in a serious way, although that’s not something I discuss with people at work. (Ask my dogs – they hate him too, they always take my side.)

    Anyway – the coworker to whom he said he wasn’t speaking to me told him to send me his problem, that they’d guarantee I wouldn’t make it weird, because I wouldn’t be thinking about it. He never did.

    And this is totally petty and totally unprofessional and I’d never say this to anyone in my real life but I know what he makes and it’s ridiculous. I would not be nearly as annoyed at his lack of industry knowledge or business practices, or familiarity with the concept of procedures if he wasn’t paid at a level where he should totally know this stuff.

    And I KNOW it’s none of my business and I KNOW it’s completely childish that it bothers me, but it does.

    So now what? If I apologize now, after a month, it will seem like I’ve been stewing about this too when in reality when he’s not annoying me I forget he works here. So I’m going with just acting as I would with anyone else – if he brings it up I’ll say I’m not particularly proud of my tone that day, but it’s in the past.

    I really, really don’t like this guy. Direct quote as an example of generally Summerseveness… “you’ll never catch me here past 5:00. I love my wife and my personal life is very important to me.”

    How unusual for someone to love their spouse or enjoy having a life outside of work. If only we had families and homes to go to….oh wait. We do. Thing is, this wasn’t in a response to being asked to stay, just a general observation made in a room full of people who routinely work a lot of hours.

    I really would take a pay cut if I could just randomly fire people for irritating me.

    1. Ruffingit*

      Say nothing. Perhaps your tone was harsh or whatever, but frankly he deserved it and I don’t think you need to apologize for that. He needs to get his shit together pronto. If he needs something from you, he can follow the procedures to get it. If he’s going to do the “we’re not talking” thing, then let him do that. It’s childish and stupid and it’s on him if it causes him any problems in the workplace.

      Also, about the pay thing – it’s human to have a reaction of “WTF that is so wrong” when you find out someone who is two levels below the parking garage of stupid is making the kind of money that means he should be in the penthouse of intelligence instead. It’s galling. Totally normal reaction.

      1. cuppa*

        Yes. I also had the thought when reading, “if you gave him the answer this time, he’s just going to come back and interrupt you another time because he thinks it is ok.”

    2. cuppa*

      I have so much empathy for you. I think the hardest thing for me to do is be warm and whatnot to someone like that. I struggle with this.
      I would have him come to you, but since I agree with you so much, I’m not sure I’m the best one to be giving advice here.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I am not sure I would go back in on it at this point.

      But if you did you could say “Rumor mill is telling me that you think I am not speaking to you. Do you want to discuss that with me?”

      The number one thing I saw in your story is that this guy just does not listen. He just keeps prattling on. So you might never get your points across to this guy.

      He sounds like one of those people who breathes and it’s annoying. I know the type. Really, all you can get there is a cease-fire agreement, but not actual peace. If you are going to apologize to him to make yourself feel better, you will only wind up disappointed.

    4. samaD*

      so in my eyes he’s completely in the wrong here and is acting and reacting in ways that stopped being appropriate in middle school.
      I will admit to a potential bias, both because being interrupted when I’m concentrating by someone who will.not.stop.talking makes me want to spit glass, and because we’re still finding little treats a ‘good at one thing’ coworker left behind.

      Still….it sounds like this guy needs to be the centre of attention and if he doesn’t get the fawning he’d prefer he’s willing to manufacture drama instead. Hopefully a) people keep sending him on to you when need be (and it’s completely on him if he doesn’t follow up) and b) he either grows up fast or moves on to somewhere he’s ‘properly appreciated’

    5. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

      Meh. I don’t see anything wrong in what happened (as you tell it), and I generally encourage peace, love & happiness amongst my people. I also encourage people to set proper boundaries so work can be completed efficiently, and that’s what I hear in your story.

      Because you were good at dealing with the issue directly when he was in your office, why don’t you deal with this issue directly also.

      “Bob, X told me that you said we weren’t speaking. That is certainly not true on my end. I am a professional and I’m happy to receive any of your requests and act upon them. As I said before, the best way to do that is email blah blah.”

      If you want to throw in a polite apology for being short that one day, fine, but I don’t see where some big apology is due. Direct is good.

      1. Ruffingit*

        I can see throwing in a polite apology in some cases, but I would not do it here. This guy sounds like someone who would take that as “AHA! So she sees that she was WRONG to treat me in such a horrible manner, next time I come to her desk she will give me her full and complete attention no matter what…”

        I don’t think he’d take it in the spirit it’s intended and would extrapolate it to something bigger than it is. I’d skip apologies altogether in this case.

        1. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

          Yes, I guess I meant that for someone more generous of spirit than I.

    6. Ask a Manager* Post author

      1. I would not apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. You were clear and direct with him. He took offense. If you apologize, you’ll play into his faulty narrative about what happened.

      2. It’s not true that the two of you aren’t speaking. What IS true is that he’s not speaking to you. That’s actually a pretty big deal, in terms of his professionalism and ability to get things done in your company. If you have the sort of relationship with your boss that makes this easy (and I suspect you do), it might be worth letting him know that this dude has decided to stop speaking to you entirely. If you think this will cause drama/backfire, don’t — but the fact that this guy has decided to stop talking to you for a month because you asked him to follow procedure as far as interrupting you is something I bet your boss would want to know.

  119. Brett*

    So, I am in my new office for the first time today, and I am not happy about it and wondering about office etiquette.
    My manager moved me next to him, because otherwise he would have his office next to someone he cannot stand. Lucky me. She gets to be farther away. So, that means that when he walks out of his office, I am two feet away, and he has my computer set up so that my back is to the door (and the screens face the door).

    This means that at any time, he can walk in behind me and start talking to me while also reading my screens. He has done it a few times already on the first day! I am way too accessible, which is goofy when I worked in an open floor plan before (but his office was farther away). I have this window superminized with an extra small font btw.

    Changing the setup looks nearly impossible and would basically put me behind a wall of monitors between me and the door even if I could do it.

    Which leads to the key question.

    Do I close my door?

    It would probably help keep him out of my office, and he would have to open the door to get in and see what I am doing. But I would also be the only person in the whole building with a closed door (admittedly, out of only 5 people with offices). Not sure if I should.

    1. Jamie*

      Well, there is nothing weird about facing the door from behind a bank of monitors. Ahem. :)

      In all seriousness, I can’t imagine not facing the door. I startle easy, but even if I didn’t that’s awkward. I would find that really unsettling.

      There is really nothing wrong with being behind a bank of monitors – you can see over them right? If you look up? Then you’re good.

      I would love to close my door more often, but it’s not done here. I can do it if I really need silence, but I use it sparingly. If no one else closes their door I would be wary of doing that all the time. Not to people like me, but a lot of people think that sends a message.

      Regarding your screens – there are things you can buy which make it hard/impossible to read unless you’re at your specific angle so you might want to look into those. A lot of medical facilities use them – I’m sure someone here knows what they are called.

      1. Brett*

        I can’t see over them unless I stand up, and that’s actually close.
        Before this building, our manager was the only person with a door. Everyone else was in some form of open form plan. Now most people are in corner cubicles with a few in offices. I got an office because my computers and monitors do not fit in a cubicle.

        When he comes in the door, he is _directly_ behind me, so I am not certain even a screen blocker would work. Unless there are some that only work at distance?
        I think it is particular bad because our doors are so close. Takes him only a few seconds to go from behind his desk to behind my back. Since he is a big time micromanager, even when he had to come down two flights of stairs and walk several hundred feet, he would stop by my desk 5-6 times a day (when he was in the office). Now, it is about 4-5 times per hour.

        2. Colette*

          It’s a rare join you offset the monitors a bit, you might not have to stand up to see.

          I once had a cubicle in a heavy traffic corridor, and It was set up so I faced people walking by. I don’t think I could have handled it otherwise.

          1. Colette*

            Rare join? What was I talking about? Offsetting the monitors so they aren’t directly facing the door might work. And I should not post after 8 pm.

            1. Confession Kitty*

              Ha! I thought it was some new monitor configuration I hadn’t yet heard of!

              And I’ve decided to call all of my SQL joins “rare joins” so they feel extra special. :). Love that.

    2. Gene*

      I live in a cube with my back to the door. I could probably turn things around, but it would be a pain in the tush. What I do have is a rearview mirror on top of one of my monitors and I always keep a spreadsheet ready behind the current window ready for visitors.

    3. CC*

      I also hate having people coming up behind me and seeing what’s on my screen, even when what’s there is work-related. I have also worked in a place where some of the managers (not the good ones) objected to having the monitor between the employee and the door.

      My solution was to turn at 90 degrees to the door. They couldn’t read my screen from the door, I didn’t have my monitor between me and the door, and they couldn’t sneak up behind me.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        My back is to my cube entrance (it’s a HUGE cube), and someone came in and scared the crap out of me last week.

        I hung a sign by the entrance that has the Door to Moria on it and says “Speak Friend and Enter.” I don’t know if anyone knows what it is, but people knock now. :)

  120. Waiting*

    What is the longest you have waited to hear if you got the job?

    The whole interview process for the senior level position I applied had gone well. They called me within the week for an interview, followed up a few days later for a second round of interviews (all with senior executives and the President of the company at this point.) And now it’s been over 4 weeks now and I have not heard anything. The recruiter has since ignored my follow up phone call and email, and I don’t feel comfortable reaching out to anyone else at this point to ask them. I figure it’s just a wait and see while I still job hunt.

    I know these things are not unusual anymore. Has anyone had any success with this kind of situation?

    1. College Career Counselor*

      21 months and counting! (I’m not really waiting for that announcement–just annoyed that the university that interviewed me on campus didn’t have the courtesy to tell me they weren’t moving forward with me.)

      Serious answer? 9 months from application to offer.

  121. Anonalicious*

    I just need to vent.

    I encouraged my brother-in-law to report his company (a CAD design and machine shop) to the state DOL because they are not pay OT correctly and the woman who does their payroll (the sister of the owner) is changing time sheets to pay employees less. They also have several OSHA violations (like serious violations involving hazardous chemicals and a lack of basic safety gear). He had documented a lot of things over the course of several months, talked with someone from the DOL, mailed copies of this documentation to them, and then waited for something to happen.

    What happened was the owner, I assume after being contacted by the DOL, went on a screaming tirade about traitors and fired all the people he thought snitched on him, including my brother-in-law.

    Now I feel terrible because he’s unemployed again. This was his first job after being unemployed for 3 years and unless he finds another job in the next month, he won’t be able to afford his rent.

    1. Ruffingit*

      That truly sucks on so many levels. I can only hope God or karma or whatever he believes in will smile down upon him and help him find a job soon. That company needed to be reported and it’s a good thing they were (if only because the owner’s reaction tells them all they’re working with a psycho).

      I am so sorry for your BIL and I will pray for him.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes. What this manager did is illegal; you can’t retaliate against people for reporting this. If they wanted to pursue it, they could probably get some fines and back wages.

    3. Littlemoose*

      He definitely has legal avenues, because he was clearly subject to retaliatory firing. I would definitely advise him to look into that. But I understand that, practically speaking, he has bills to pay in the meantime. What a sucky situation.

  122. Anonforthis*

    Employers should stop hiring contractors when in fact those people are employees. I am so tempted to turn these jerks into the IRS, but I need the job. I’m going to do it when I leave though, which I’m hoping will be soon. It’s so ridiculous when they want contractors when it benefits them, but they want to treat us like employees.

  123. Bethany*

    I’ve been really successful in my current position and I’m looking to progress within the company. I’ve got four years of consistent achievement to back me up, along with various awards that the company has given to me and a reputation for being the person who always knows what to do and gets everything done right.

    My problem is that I get really bad anxiety when I have to talk about myself. I had treatment for some mental health problems a few years ago and on a day-to-day basis it no longer really affects me, but it was awful at the time and it’s had a residual effect of more or less removing all my self-confidence. If I have something to do then I will get it done – I can focus on what I’m doing and I’m not afraid to speak or take action, whatever it takes. But if I then have to tell you how doing these things shows how awesome I am, then I fall apart.

    I can talk with at least the appearance of confidence, about anything else. But the prospect of saying positive things about myself turns me into a nervous wreck. I applied for a promotion previously and I didn’t get it (I completely ruined the interview by avoiding eye contact and rambling and shaking and stuttering and all those kind of things that generally mess up your chances of getting a job) and for weeks afterwards I was surrounded by my peers and supervisors who were all wanting to know why I hadn’t got the job, acting disappointed like I’d messed up their plans for the company or something.

    Does anybody have any tips for dealing with anxiety in these kind of situations? Or at least finding a way to interview better even when feeling like a mess?

    1. Graciosa*

      This is a really tough one – you have my sympathy.

      I have been trying to come up with good suggestions for you, and I am not sure I have, but I’ll share my thoughts anyway.

      1. Practice. You might think of this as whatever form of therapy it is when you continue to increase your exposure to the thing you’re afraid of until you can handle it. Confident people who have not been treated for mental health problems find interviewing stressful, so there is no reason to be ashamed of this. It is a skill, and you get better at when you practice.

      You can also practice things you can say about your work (“I’m so happy that Tough Project is finally coming to a close – and with such a great result too! It’s a wonderful feeling to see your hard work pay off”) or responses when other people make comments to you about it (“Thank you – yes, it was a lot of work, but I think the result was definitely worth it,” or just “Thank you – it means a lot to hear that from you”).

      2. Find a way to take yourself out of it. This is more about tricking yourself out of being self-conscious, which is usually what trips a person up in these situations. Can you pretend to be someone else? Respond in the way Joe Confident would for a while? Convince yourself it is nothing personal, but just part of the job?

      The last is often true, by the way – someone publicly praising you may also be setting standards for others on the team, demonstrating that performance will be visibly recognized, bolstering the team’s reputation in some way, etc. I have received unexpected awards in a public setting on more than one occasion, and it still throws me. I can now respond appropriately until I can get a few minutes in private to collect myself, but I would really prefer not to have this happen.

      I have to remind myself that accepting these things graciously is part of my job – responding poorly would not only impact me, it would damage the rest of the team by devaluing the award. Basically, I’ve learned to get through this by framing it as something I do for other people.

      Is there something about the promotion that can be framed in this way? Will it allow you to help protect other team members from political issues that can get in the way of work? Improve your opportunities to make a change that would be good for your customers or improve the bottom line? Convincing people to put you in this position is just the first step towards accomplishing other things.

      This is what I mean by taking yourself out of it – if you can manage it, it can make you less self-conscious.

      I hope that helps – good luck.

  124. Canada Goose*

    I’m a receptionist and my some of my duties require me to be away from the front desk (I have to find coverage). The constant interruptions are making it difficult to concentrate on time-sensitive aspects of my job as I can’t block time to focus or catch up.

    A coworker told me I’m doing “two jobs at once” – receptionist and the administrator for my department.

    I’m going to discuss this with my manager, but I’m wondering if I need a reality check. Is my situation out of the ordinary?

    1. CoffeeLover*

      I think it’s not out of the ordinary. A lot of people have written in to AAM saying they’re doing the job of two people after, i.e., someone quit and they were assigned their duties as well as their own. AAM pointed out that its not realistic to say your ACTUALLY doing “two jobs at once”, and that you should clarify which parts of the “two” jobs you should prioritize with your manager.

      2. Canada Goose*

        Thank you for your reply, CoffeeLover. I agree that it’s not realistic to say “I’m doing two jobs at once”. The constant interruptions are causing me to take 30 minutes to do something that should take 15. This either leaves me in a scramble at the end of the day or pushing things to the next next.

        1. Canada Goose*

          Actually, as I think of it, if I can’t complete my tasks in *my* standard workday (as opposed to a workday where I could block time or schedule myself) wouldn’t that make a case for “two jobs at once”? It’s not the duties of two areas I’m concerned about, it’s completing time-sensitive tasks with constant interruption. It’s getting to the point where I my deadlines are in jeopardy.

    2. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

      It’s not out of the ordinary, but if you are the primary receptionist, your primary job is to be able to focus on greeting visitors and answering phones. If your job is set up so that the people you are greeting are an interruption to you, your manager needs to rethink that.

      What’s more logical is for the receptionist to have duties that are in line with the receptionist position — managing meeting room schedules & vendor appointments, for example, ordering supplies, non-time sensitive clerical help. Asking a receptionist to do things that require uninterrupted concentration is kinda dumb.

      1. Canada Goose*

        Thanks Wakeen’s Teapots Ltd! I am the primary receptionist and my primary job is just as you stated – greet visitors and answer the phone. My position grew into event planning for our large organization and assisting another department. The department needs their own coordinator but in the meantime such duties are mine.
        Your last line “Asking a receptionist to do things that require uninterrupted concentration is kinda dumb” are my thoughts exactly!

  125. Help!*

    Eek, super-late as always so this might get buried.

    I am currently on secondment to a project, due to finish at the end of July. I saw a great job listed on Wednesday, a great step up (and solid pay rise) in my industry. It’s only a 12-month contract, but could lead on to some great things. So I applied, thinking: it’ll be listed for a few weeks, so we’re looking at end of May for interviews, offers probably around mid-June, so I could just ask if I could extend my usual one-month notice period to around 6-7 weeks in order to finish up the project.

    Well. They called me yesterday to say they’re looking to fill the role quickly, but they could probably cope with my one-month notice period if I’m the right person for the role (the HR person I spoke to said the hiring manager wants to fill NOW, but most quality candidates are going to have a one-month notice period (standard for professionals in my industry) so they might just have to suck it up. Not quite in those words, but that was the gist). So we would be looking at a mid-June start if I was successful.

    Now… I have no idea whether to go for it or not. I told my secondment manager about it, and she said I have to do what’s right for me. I know she’d support me on a personal level if I were successful, but it would suck for her if I left six weeks before the end of the project. I have a (permanent) role to go back to at the end of my secondment, but it’s changed significantly since I was in it and is now several steps below what I have been doing — and I’m going to be bored witless in it. I’m so torn, and I have no idea what the best way to go is!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Find one very strong reason to either stay or go. This reason should carry a lot of weight/be of real importance to you.

      No one reason ever solves any quandary, but sometimes you can find a reason that trumps the other reasons. In short, neither choice is perfect. So take perfect off the table and which choice becomes the strongest choice to make.

    2. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

      Until you are offered the other job, you aren’t choosing between two actual things.

      More choices = more better, in my world view.

      If you get offered the other job, then you have to choose, so see what happens with the offer first.

  126. Resumehelpplease*

    So I have a job right now that might be good to list on a resume, but the thing is I’ve only held the job for 2 months. I want to get out of the job because it’s a contract position that is part-time, no benefits, not enough money, etc. I already have previous experience in this type of work, but having this job on my resume would probably look good to an employer. However, how do I overcome the issue most employers will have when they see I’ve been there two months and want to leave? Many people leave this job by the way, they’ve had several contractors come in and out in the past year or so. It’s just not the kind of job you stay with for a long time. It provides cash to pay bills, but it’s not a staying power kind of place.

    So how do I word that in a cover letter so I don’t look like a job hopper?

    1. Graciosa*

      “CurrentWork (Contract assignment through TempFirm) March, 2014 – present)”

      If you indicate on the resume that this is a contract position, you’re not going to look like a job hopper. Hiring managers know that these are not permanent jobs – it’s just a different situation.

      As long as you identify the role as contract work on the resume, I’m not sure I’d even bother mentioning it in the cover letter. Use the cover letter to highlight ways in which you would be a great fit for the role – an unnecessary and defensive explanation is not going to add to your candidacy, so I wouldn’t use space in your letter for it – just my thoughts.

      Good luck.

    2. Ollie*

      I’m working as a contractor right now too. People keep telling me that it’s expected that you’ll keep looking/applying for permanent work since contractor jobs are meant to only be short and temporary anyway. Like Graciosa said, you won’t look like a job hopper if you indicate that it’s a contractor position on your resume.

      If you really want to mention the job in your cover letter, you could say something like, “I’m currently a contractor at Chocolate Teapots Inc. and am looking for a permanent position involved in chocolate teapot design.”

    3. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

      It’s not job hopping, but it is a really short stint for a resume to “look good” – meaning count neither for nor against. An exception might be if you learned a valuable technical skill during the two months, in which case the emphasis would be on the skill acquired.

      1. Resumehelpplease*

        I say the job would look good to an employer because it’s more experience for a skill I already have. In my particular industry, the more practical experience you have, the better it looks for you. So in that way, this job is helpful as it emphasizes that the skill I already have is being used on a daily basis. And the practical applications of the skills in my industry are important so every bit of work you do with it counts. Still though, two months is a short period of time so I was concerned about how that would look. But for many reasons, I need to get out of the contract job. I just cannot be without benefits and more money at this point. It has to change.

        1. Ollie*

          If it makes you feel any better, I’ve actually seen listings for contractor/temp jobs that were only for one month, two months or three months. So I think being there only two months doesn’t necessarily indicate to others that you’re jumping ship soon after starting. For all they know, the position was only meant to be for two or three months long to begin with.

        2. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

          It can’t hurt, especially if it’s building on or continuing something as you say.

          I mostly tune out short therm part-time or contract positions when looking at a resume other than having a “everybody’s gotta keep working” thought. It’s not job hopping to do fill in work in between desired positions.

  127. Sheep*

    So, I’ve just been offered a job. A really cool job in a post-disaster country (a different one from the one that gave me typhoid), doing program development for an NGO. Very excited about it! However, I’ve also just been called for an interview, working for my country’s UN mission in HQ. This is an admin position. I know an interview does not equal a job at all, but I just can’t put this out of my mind. Which one would you take? A) field-job, doing interesting/rewarding stuff, not well-paid but ok, or B) Not so interesting job in schmanzy mission that would pay VERY well, and that could potentially be a great door-opener.

    1. Ollie*

      If I was in your situation in the context of my own life, I would go with B. After getting a grad degree and doing several unpaid internships and still not being able to get work in my field, I’d take better money and better future opportunities over interesting/rewarding work any day. I guess I’m kind of bitter. Or maybe less idealistic.

      Would the not so interesting but door opening job be opening doors to more interesting work? Or more not so interesting work?

      1. Sheep*

        Hopefully to more interesting work.. I’ve done (am doing) the internship thing as well, so I know what you mean. Earning decent money would be very nice. Though field-work is also a big plus.

        What sector are you in Ollie?

        1. Ollie*

          If the uninteresting work is better paid and could lead to more interesting work later, I would do that then. I think it’s better to be able to save up money earlier on (extra money to invest in retirement, buy a house, etc.), and then when you’re totally financially secure, you can always go back to lower paying, more interesting jobs later. It seems like it’d be harder to start out with low paying jobs and then possibly be stuck with low paying jobs for a long time.

          I wanted to get into archives, but I think it’s too late now. I can’t keep doing unpaid work, but I don’t have enough experience to do paid work.

    2. Katie the Fed*

      Without knowing much about your personal life or background, I’ll say that in general I’d lean toward the field work if you can swing it with your personal life and finances.

      As in, if you’re single and unattached at this point in your life, I’d do it now. Because as you get older and more settled you’ll have other commitments and these things get harder to do. I’m REALLY glad I did some overseas assignments when I was younger and single, because right now I have a lot more responsibilities and wouldn’t be able to. I look back on those memories fondly now that I’m in a different phase of life.

      1. Sheep*

        This is the thing, I am single and unattached. The NGO covers flights, accommodation and food, in addition to $30k/year. The good job is in my country’s UN mission (NY) though, and would be paid way more (type $70k/year).

        Anyway, I haven’t actually got this second job yet, so I shouldn’t worry too much. I just can’t stop myself from thinking about it! I’ve got the interview on Thursday, so I will just really have to remember to interview them too.

  128. Ollie*

    I’m currently working at a company as a contractor via a recruiter, and if we want to apply to a permanent job at the company, we’re supposed to tell our recruiter first. There was a job posting I was interested in, so I contacted my recruiter, and they told me to send them my resume so they could give suggestions before I applied, and so I sent it to them. Didn’t hear back from them for a few days, so I e-mailed them to ask if they had looked at it. Still didn’t hear from them, and finally decided to just apply, only to find that the posting had been taken down. I e-mailed the recruiter to ask if the position had been closed, and they haven’t replied to that either.

    Confusingly, the recruiter just came in to give a presentation today to remind all the contractors to use them as a resource and let them know if they want to apply for permanent jobs.

    I’m frustrated that the recruiter ignored me and that I missed out on applying to the job. Did I do something wrong? Is it better to leave recruiters out of the loop when applying to jobs?

    1. Graciosa*

      You didn’t do anything wrong – the more interesting question is whether the recruiter did.

      The recruiter is making sure that the company gets its placement fee if you are hired on at one of their clients. I have no problem with that – but they do have to do their part and if they don’t help your candidacy, at least refrain from actively hindering it.

      My guess is that the recruiter meant to be helpful and got busy, or is supposed to be helpful and got lazy. It’s hard to tell, but your response should be the same. Next time, you need to specify (politely) a time point at which you will be submitting your application.

      For example, when the recruiter offers to help, you say, “Wow, thanks. I would really appreciate any assistance you can give me. I know you’re really busy, though, and I need to turn this in before I leave on Tuesday. I’d love any input you have time to provide, but I’ll completely understand if I haven’t heard from you by then.” You could put something similar in the email when you send your materials over.

      If the recruiter jumps on this, great – if not, you will not feel obligated to wait indefinitely.

      1. Ollie*

        Thanks for the advice! :] That sounds like a great way to deal with similar situations with recruiters in the future so that I’m not left waiting/depending on someone else when I want to apply for something.

        Just for clarification, if I had applied and didn’t tell the recruiter, would they not have gotten a placement fee if I was hired? I don’t understand why I have to tell the recruiter if I want to apply for a permanent position.

  129. Ruffingit*

    So in a previous thread, we all talked about our workplace sins. Here’s a bit of a twist on that:

    Tell me your workplace sins you are NOT sorry for. GO! :)

    1. Colette*

      I told the president of the company that his plan to force our new system to be developed around the old one would not result in us delivering the system in a month, instead of the two months for the other option. I got laid off.

      (They eventually deliverd two years later, with lots of bugs.)

    2. a.n.o.n.*

      In my previous company there was a person who, after three years, still hadn’t really learned the processing system. Even though she could get by, she always had to call the vendor for anything that was slightly more than basic. I got pulled into her messes many times. It got to the point where I was so tired of hand-holding, explaining, explaining again, etc. that I wouldn’t acknowledge her loud laments anymore about the problems she was having (she liked to complain out loud to no one in particular, hoping someone would volunteer to rescue her). She always had a problem with correcting out payments she had posted wrong. It usually turned into a giant cluster fudge.

      So one day she posted something wrong and had to correct it. She posted, corrected, re-posted, posted again, corrected three times, etc. It was so effed up that when she came to me for help, I told her to go figure it out herself. So she spent ALL DAY on it and couldn’t figure it out. She spent much of the next day also. She was so out of sorts and frustrated, but I thought it was perfect revenge. In the meantime I printed out the account history and found the error in about 15 minutes. I let her keep searching and sweating. I never let on that I found it. I made her call the vendor to figure it out. I should have done that LONG AGO!

      1. Jamie*

        I don’t think that’s a sin at all. In the long run you did her a favor.

        People who will learn and from my showing them what I found I’ll save them the trouble. But those who, time and time again, the second you step in to help wash their hands of their own work and don’t bother to learn how to prevent it? The only way they will get it is to let them go through the painful learning process themselves.

        I think you did the right thing.

    3. Noah*

      Part time job as a ticket counter and gate agent for an airline. This really nasty person came up to the counter after their scheduled flight had already departed. I explained that they needed to be rebooked for later and they started yelling and complaing. After dealing with three other cancelled flights that day I wasn’t in the mood. So, I took it all out on this one passenger. I added the SSSS to their boarding pass so they would have to go through TSA secondary screening, I misrouted their luggage, unlinked their return flight so they were no longer confirmed, and I reseated them in the very back on the aircraft with a window that looked right out onto the loud engines. If I was ever caught I would’ve been fired, and deservedly so. I really don’t feel all that guilty about it though, I hate when people are snotty after they are late for a flight.

      2. Nina*

        As a former gate agent, I don’t blame you at all. Passengers could be downright EVIL if they missed their flights, whether it was their fault or the airline’s. And the agent is the first person they blame.

      3. Ruffingit*

        I cannot blame you at all for this. I have traveled a lot internationally and domestically and I’ve seen what ticket/gate agents are dealing with. The dregs of humanity seem to live in the airport, people who were raised by wolves and cannot utter a polite or respectful word to save their lives. Newsflash people – being polite and respectful gets you a lot further than crappy behavior ever will. I also make it a point, on days when I can see the agent is overwhelmed, to tell her she’s doing a great job and that I appreciate her effort. It’s not easy to do that job at all especially with an airport full of people who were raised by wolves as mentioned above.

      4. Mimmy*

        Alison should include this in her column on workplace sins–this is a classic! It’s the very definition of karma :)

      5. Elizabeth West*

        I love gate agents. So far, they have:

        –Always been polite to me (I’ve heard of nasty ones, but I guess I’ve been lucky never to have run into those)
        –Got me on another flight instantly when I missed mine and was about to cry (stupid long-ass security line! Never fly during March Madness!)
        –Called my last gate when I realized I had left my phone wallet on the other plane (and found the flight attendant who found it for me)

        Yay gate agents!

  130. Remaining Anon Momentarily*

    So this is a semi-venting update if anyone is still here and/or remembers what I wrote previously on an open thread back on 4/18.

    Backstory: My company has an employee benefit fund which is funded off the backs of the employees. In order to get money out of it, you must prove with tons of documentation the hardship. Anyway, my part of the company holds a $2/ticket raffle every week. It has been every week now for a month.

    Now the company wants some employees, including myself, to have hours cut (unfortunately, we are not salaried). In my department alone, they want us to chop out 10 hours, mainly hitting a few of us who do not have as much rank (aka seniority) as others. Yet, without fail, they come around each week asking if we want to partake in a game of chance, having to buy in at $2. I keep turning it down. It took all of my might this week not to tear in to the site manager who does all of the raffling. Seriously, I almost yelled at him saying that I have to keep the $2 a week as my own employee benefit fund just because they keep cutting back hours on us hourly employees. Eventually they’ll either cut enough hours or let people go, and anyone on that boat will not have a chance to get their money back.

    This whole situation just irks me.

    1. Ruffingit*

      I remember you posting about that and this update is just appalling!! Holy NO SHAME Batman! They are cutting your hours, but still want you to participate in an employee benefit fund? The irony is just…yeah.

      I am so sorry about the hours being cut, I know how crappy that is and I am hoping a new job comes around for you soon that does not involve raffles. GEEZE.

      1. Remaining Anon Momentarily*

        It is ridiculous. I do not know who all the winners have been, but I do know for certain that two full-time employees have won the raffles thus far. I was around the other day to finally see how they announce the winner, and they do not. Since they write the names of all participants on their respective tickets, they instantly know who has won and they just tell that person. I did not know when the ticket was drawn; nothing was announced. They are using real raffle tickets with the number on the side in which one person keeps on copy of it while the raffle keeps the other for the box (or whatever it is called). For all I know, it can be rigged.

        I am looking into a new career path that is more aligned with my field (vs. this place which is not in my field at all, no matter how creative I could be about it to try…). I might have something coming up real soon. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

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