weekend free-for-all – April 11-12, 2015

by Alison Green on April 11, 2015

Olive on blanketsThis comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly non-work only; if you have a work question, you can email it to me or post it in the work-related open thread on Fridays.)

Book Recommendation of the Week: Last week I recommended one book told through letters; this week I’m recommending another, but with a very different type of story. E: A Novel by Matt Beaumont. It’s a highly amusing novel about the work life at a dysfunctional ad agency, told entirely through emails. It’s dark, funny, and vicious.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Carrie in Scotland*

    In a strange quirk of coincidence, 84 Charing Cross Road (last week’s book recommendation) was on display at the shop I volunteer in on Saturday’s – so I bought it and promptly gobbled it up. I love it, and the copy I have also has the book she wrong based on Charing Cross where she is doing publicity for it.

    2. Lillie Lane*

      Speaking of novels written as letters, has anyone else read “Daddy-Long-Legs”? I loved that book as a kid.

      2. Jaune Desprez*

        That was a very fun book. Jean Webster also wrote “Dear Enemy,” which is not quite as good but still worth picking up. She wrote some others as well, but I think those two were considered her best.

        If you liked Frances Hodgson Burnett’s books for children (A Little Princess, The Secret Garden, etc.), have you tried any of her books for adults?

        1. Lillie Lane*

          I’ll check those out! There is something so sweet and charming about those Edwardian era novels.

        2. Merry and Bright*

          My answer to this would be “not yet”. By coincidence, I downloaded some to my Kindle the other day when they were on special offer. I also loved the children’s books she wrote. My parents still have these for me in their loft – pending the day I can afford a flat with more storage space (but that is another story altogether!)

      3. Elizabeth West*

        Yes! I might even have it–I have to check. I have an entire bookcase full of children’s/young adult books and some of the shelves are a couple of rows deep. I’m in trouble if I ever move, heh heh.

              1. Chocolate Teapot*

                I picked up The Making of a Marchioness by Frances Hodgson Burnett years ago at a second hand booksale. It was published by Persephone Books who re-published out of print classics.

                For novels written as letters, I bought a new Penguin translation of Dangerous Liasions. It always surprises me how the plot manages to advance when the characters spend all of their time writing!

                1. Jaune Desprez*

                  Sarah Caudwell’s Thus Was Adonis Murdered is a fun, witty epistolary novel.

                  I guess Wilkie Collins’ The Moonstone is sorta-kinda epistolary (written as a multiple-POV series of reminiscences rather than letters). I love that book so much that it would probably go in my desert island top 10!

            2. Connie-Lynne*

              I loved Edward Eager when I was a kid! I recently re-read a bunch of his stuff before sending it off to my niece. It holds up surprisingly well.

          2. Merry and Bright*

            I loved E Nesbit as a child (well, still do!). I grew up in the same part of London where some of the children live so at the time I thought seeing the place in print was pretty cool! Probably one of the reasons my local library stocked so many copies. These days I have them on my e-reader.

            My mum had a cousin who moved to the States in the 1970s and I am always fascinated to learn from her which writers have travelled well across the Atlantic. Separate from that though, I liked reading children’s stories by American authors too. My favourite were the “Katy” books by Susan Coolidge. I found these when they were televised in the 70s by the BBC, then read the books. I thought Katy was great because she seemed a bit more human and rounded than some children’s book”heroines”.(Probably why I think Jo March rocks – and she is a book person too!)

          3. Jaune Desprez*

            I adored The Twenty-One Balloons! When I was a little older, I started reading Jules Verne and found that same love of invention and adventure in his books.

            1. Kara Zor-El*

              I also adored the Twenty-One Balloons! I rediscovered the book a few years ago and happily reread it. I wanted my own theme house/restaurant so badly!

              I also loved E Nesbit and Edward Eager. Think I will need to reread the Half Magic books soon…

          4. Elizabeth West*

            Noooooo…… :\

            I have mostly the stuff I read as a child (though I donated all my Trixie Beldens to a library sale). Some of it was my mum’s, like the Nancy Drews, Thornton W. Wilder, Bobbsey Twins, and some old teen books like Polly French (I had one and found two more at the flea market). I have The Little House books, my picture books, books I read as a kid/teen and found later (thank you, Internet), and a ton of stuff I read as an adult like Gary Paulsen and various Newbery books. Through a friend, I bought almost the entire set of Maida books, which are very much like The Secret Garden in the beginning (more info: http://www.ethomsen.com/maida/).

            I had a twelfth-grade reading level in second grade, so I ended up reading a lot of stuff from the adult section. And I was a horror fan from a very young age–I have a second bookcase in the back room also that is overflowing with horror and some sci-fi (I’m just getting into that). All my Stephen Kings and Harry Potters are in the hallway. I have books all over the house. Way too many–I ended up donating eight boxes to the library sale a couple of years ago and there are more in the garage that need to go.

            1. Merry and Bright*

              The piece about Stephen King and Harry Potter makes me think of one of my favourite non-fiction books: Howards End is on the Landing by Susan Hill. ;}

              1. fposte*

                Oh, I hadn’t heard of that, and I’ve liked Susan Hill for a long, long time. Thanks for the recommendation!

            2. Connie-Lynne*

              Trixie Belden was _so cool_. I got some Trixie Belden novels in a stack of books given to me by … somebody. I could never find any others.

              I recently did finally find the first book in the _Tom Corbett, Space Cadet_ novels I got from my dad (via my grandparents). That same shipment included a bunch of _Rick Brant Science Adventures_. Does anyone else remember those? Basically they were the same kind of series as Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys, but with a focus on science fiction. The Tom Corbett novels were what you’d expect; the Rick Brant stuff was kind of a cross between Jonny Quest and Indiana Jones.

              Both series were sexist as all get out, but they were so much fun to read as a kid!

      4. Vicki*

        Also speaking of novels written as… correspondence, one of my all-time favorites from decades ago is “Up The Down Staircase”, by Bel Kaufman.

    3. Melissa*

      I started reading E. today. When you break out into the snorty giggles on the bus, people will STARE at you.

  2. Hey Anonny Anonny*

    Tired of spouse’s depression, anxiety and “issues”. Can’t afford the spousal support of we divorce. Ashley Madison, yea or nay?

        1. Expendable Redshirt*

          Ack! No! Ashley Madison actions would be a violation of your marital vows. And increases the chance of that unaffordable divorce.

          First step is to eat some ice-cream. You need to recharge and invest in some self care.

          +1 For personal or couples therapy.

            1. Expendable Redshirt*

              Getting hitched involves the expectation of monogamy. Unless otherwise stated.

              True, not everyone says fancy words. I Was trying convey that Ashley Madison goes against the spirit and the letter of traditional marriage.

        2. Hey Anonny Anonny*

          Did couples’ therapy, spouse is OK with every couple of months or less and has no interest in changing, but won’t accept (as Dan Savage says, a monogamish msrriage). Also, spouse is on total disability, thus can’t work and the spousal support.

          In a no-fault divorce state, so getting caught wouldn’t change the cost to me.

          I’m just fed up and frustrated.

          1. Florida*

            Go to therapy again. If your spouse won’t go with you – go alone. I have a hard time believing that spouse is 100% the problem. Nearly all relationship problems involve two people.

            If you think the only answer is divorce, then get divorced – but don’t have an affair. To me, an affair is a cop out. If the marriage is truly unsalvageable, then at least get a divorce. Just because an affair won’t change the cost of the divorce, does not mean that it’s OK.

            1. Billy Oblivion*

              > I have a hard time believing that spouse is 100% the problem

              In the same way that Alison recently wrote about employees who don’t get along, and how it’s a mistake to assume that both parties are at fault, it is also a mistake to assume that this kind of problem is the fault of both partners in the marriage. Indeed, the nature of the issue is such that it could easily rest 100% on the partner who says “no”.

              1. Colette*

                Mental illness is not a choice. How you deal with it is. So if your spouse chooses to pretend their illness is not happening, that’s their choice. If you decide to cheat instead of making hard decisions or having tough conversations, that’s your choice. If you do that, the state of your marriage is not 100% your partner’s fault.

                Similarly, if I have a terrible boss, I can quit that job. However, I’m not justified to see business secrets to competitors.

                1. Florida*

                  Yes. This is what I meant when I said that I have a hard time believing it is 100% the other person’s fault. Thank you for saying it better than I did.

          3. fposte*

            Have you talked to a lawyer in your state or are you assuming on the spousal support? If you did find yourself a girlfriend and your wife found out, what would happen? (And have you priced having a girlfriend while married? It’s not cheap either.)

            I think the Ashley Madison opening was kind of offputting, but underlying it is a problem I have sympathy for.

          4. TL -*

            I say go for Ashley Madison but be careful and safe and don’t put your spouse for at any unnecessary risk (basically, use physical protection for anything penetrative.)

            In the meantime, save up for the divorce and work towards separating.

            1. Nashira*

              Uh no safer sex involves using barriers for all forms of contact, and even then it’s not a magical panacea. Choosing to cheat and have sex is putting your partner at risk for diseases that can have long term consequences, especially because they have not consented to the exposure and may not realize that they are ill. That’s not acceptable.

              1. TL -*

                It sounds like it’s a fairly complicated situation and if divorce isn’t an option, maybe finding some safer release – yes, there’s no such thing as truly safe sex – will help them work towards a better relationship while also getting their ducks in a row for an eventual separation.

          5. ® ® ® ® ® ® ®*

            The way you phrase the problem, it indeed sounds like you have a choice between a faithful but relatively sexless marriage, and a faithless marriage where you try to get some on the side.

            For the sake of completeness, have you considered that sex toys are remarkably sophisticated these days, and porn is ubiquitous and unbelievably cheap?

            But if you’re going to cheat, I believe that Dan Savage and others have written about how to do it “ethically” (probably not really the correct word, but the idea is: “minimize the hurt to others”). I hope you look into it.

            1. TL -*

              I don’t think sex toys are going to help if the difference is one wants it more than one a month and the other wants it 3-6 times a year.

            2. Kat*

              Porn sucks. It isnt meant to be a replacement for an active sex life.

              Anonny, you are an adult. Make your own choice. Just be prepared for the consequences should you get caught. Dont blame your spouse for forcing you to turn to cheating. That is 100% on you. Honor your marriage vows and keep your integrity or cheat and lose self respect and the respect of others once you are found out.

              I wish you the best.

            4. Alston*

              I agree with the above. It sounds like you already read Dan Savage. Why not write him, or at least read some of what he’s written on the subject.
              Also, would divorcing leave you living in your car or just stunt your lifestyle? Might be better to be miserable because you are broke but getting laid, than being miserably trapped in the marriage AND sexless.

          6. vvondervvoman*

            Ok. So I’m a sex educator and my marriage is open. While I’ve never cheated/been cheated on, I have a strong bias against cheater that I’m disclosing because while I’m going to try to not let my personal judgements seep in, it just might.

            Others have asked, but really, what are your goals? Aside from the sex-less part, is everything generally ok? Or has other stuff contributed to the sex issue? It sounds like if money were no object, you would leave your spouse in a heartbeat. Have you told them this? They may be under the impression that you’re unhappy, but not -this- unhappy. Also, keep in mind how old you are. In your 50’s-60’s? Yea, maybe you can keep this up until one of you dies. But 20’s-40’s? You’re talking 20-60 years of this arrangement, so that’s not something to jump into.

            If it were possible, would you even want to be intimate more frequently with your spouse? I’m not sure what the couple’s therapy included, but did it explicitly cover how to be sexual with different desire levels? For instance, would you be comfortable going solo while spouse watched/something else sexy? Or maybe a throwback to high school and have sessions that include just first-third base? Once you look outside of penetration as the only way to be sexual, you may realize there’s more room for compromise than you believe is possible now. If it helps, this is not just for marriages with “problems.” It’s a trick I use all the time in my own relationships! Sometimes you’re just tired but you want to be close and intimate in a sexual way. That doesn’t have to mean PIV!

            Another thing you haven’t addressed, but may not be relevant. Does your spouse’s disability have an impact on their ability to get in the mood? Or meds that may be affecting libido? Is there a chance they could talk to their doctor and see if some adjustments could be made? This is literally the #1 reason for sexual dysfunction and it’s usually the easiest to fix.

            As others have mentioned, if you do go ahead with this, almost any other option is better than Ashley Madison. Ick.

            1. Nashira*

              This is advice I would like to co-sign all over the place. Disability on my end meant that my husband and I had to expand our definition of good sex, and I picked up the knack of “reactive arousal” – we play, he gets aroused, I become aroused because he is. Then I got off Cymbalta and suddenly had a libido again (and blood that clotted in less than ten minutes).

              If both partners want to work on rebuilding a physically intimate relationship, sometimes it’s possible. But you have to go into it with good faith, empathy, and understanding. Otherwise, breaking up can be a kindness to you both.

          8. bridget*

            From a purely practical perspective as an FYI, “no fault divorce” does *not* mean that infidelity or other wrongdoing won’t be taken into consideration with regard to spousal support awards. It means that you don’t have to show that something bad happened to actually get the divorce–it used to be that divorce was only allowed if you could show that your spouse cheated, was abusive, abandoned you, etc. Under no fault divorce laws, you can get a divorce for any reason or no reason. But when making the divorce decree, judges in those states can and do take wrongdoing into account when ordering support payments.

            As to your actual question, I say nay to Ashley Madison. It sounds like the terms of your marriage don’t include being monogamish, so if you want to change those terms, you need to get out of the marriage, because until you do that, you have commitments to your spouse. If that is expensive, I say pony up.

    2. Billy Oblivion*

      Probably not really to your point, but I’d stay away from Ashley Madison. I grew curious about it a few years ago[1] and signed up for it for free with a throw-away account. It may have changed, but at the time you’d buy points to allow you to chat with other members. I was suspicious of how many “hello” kinds of emails I got from women – even without my having posted a picture. I strongly suspect that there are people (or maybe just bots) on there that try to make the place seem “friendly” and thus encourage you to buy lots and lots of points so you can chat.

      Another surprise came when I attempted to cancel: I was told that although I’d canceled, my data (including any photos) would stay on the site for up to (I think it was) 2 weeks. OR I could pay around $100 for their special “instant” cancel/clean-sweep that wiped everything immediately. Pretty sleazy – in case it’s not obvious, they were trying to make money off of people who were nervous that their spouse might find their data on the system.

      I don’t know this for a fact but I hear that Tindr is still a popular thing, esp if you’re young and pretty. FetLife if you’re older and kinkier. Grindr if you’re gay (and male, I think). One of these days I might peek at Tindr, but I’ve so far lacked the motivation. These things tend to require some time and effort to register etc (which I think is by design; I don’t think they want to encourage throw-away accounts)(I could be wrong) and I haven’t found the time or motivation.

      [1] I know what you’re thinking *grin* but I work in social / mobile software development. And I told my wife about the “experiment” before I started.

      1. Christy*

        Incidentally, I totally agree that Ashley Madison is likely the wrong choice if you want to cheat. There are much better online options. (And Grindr is for men only.)

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      If you’re serious? Big fat “nay”. First, that’s never a good solution, and second, you think you’ll make your inevitable divorce any easier and get more sympathy if you sign up for AM? Go get some couple’s therapy.

    5. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      I wrote a fairly lengthy and highly judgmental reply that somehow didn’t post. Probably for the best – it may have been the universe’s way to stop being a jerk.

      But I’m repeat this part of it: You’ve obviously only written a few sentences here, but it sounds like you don’t really care about your spouse’s health/happiness/etc. If that’s true, then I don’t think there’s any reason not to have an affair/find someone to have casual sex with. If that’s not true – if you love your spouse, are worried about their health, and just didn’t take the time to express that here – then you know the answer. Take care of your spouse in their time of need; be loving; figure out how to move forward together or separately with grace and generosity.

      1. Expendable Redshirt*

        The last sentence was quite nice.

        It’s nice to fantasize about an escape from your problems OP. Being fed up and frustrated makes casual sex/an affair seem like a great idea! It would likely even make you feel good temporarily.
        But it will not solve your problems. You and your wife both deserve to live healthy, happy lives. Either invest in the relationship, or decide on a respectful seperation. Having an affair(s) will only hurt your wife and result in you living in a spirit degrading situation.

      2. Jean*

        +1 re nice final sentence.
        Lots of wise counsel here from multiple commenters! OP, I hope their collective advice helps you to avoid an affair. Neither you or your current (or soon-to-be ex) spouse will benefit if you add more drama & distress to an already unhappy situation.

    6. Clever Name*

      You’re asking strangers on the Internet for permission to cheat; sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. However, if you are balking at paying alimony, what happens when your spouse catches you cheating and then files for divorce? I’m sure the judge will be totally sympathetic to your argument of “I got tired of my spouse because of their issues, so I went looking elsewhere because I didn’t want to pay spousal support”

    7. AMD*

      The Marriage Bed is a great religious sex and marriage website with thoughtful, intelligent forum posters with whole boards on dealing with sexual refusal in marriage. I’d recommend checking it out, reading some posts and posting yourself if you are comfortable.

    8. Grey*

      Nay. Wait until you’re divorced. Then you’ll at least have some dignity left for your next relationship. You don’t want to be known as someone who’ll cheat if things get rough.

      When I look back at my time with the ex, I can always say “at least I stayed faithful”. My current girlfriend finds that admirable.

      1. Dan*

        Yeah, I went with “save myself some dignity” too. I want future partners to know that I won’t treat them like shit when the going gets tough.

        I got the short end of the stick. It would have been much easier for both of us if my ex could have looked me in the eye and said “this isn’t working out. I want to move on.”

        1. Bea W*

          Totally this. When I find out someone has cheated on their SO (married or not), I lose respect and trust in them. It’s not unreasonable to think if they’ve done it before with someone else they supposedly loved, what’s to stop them from doing it again with me. I do respect someone who say approached their SO to talk frankly about having an open arrangement or that it is not working out, and when that can’t be worked out they do the right thing and end the relationship.

          One is honest and shows thought for the partner. The other is dishonest and selfish and ends up hurting people in ways honesty doesn’t.

    9. Nay, naturally*

      Wow. Did you think when you agreed to get married that your marriage was guaranteed to be depression, anxiety and issue-free? The point of a marriage is “in sickness and in health”, even if you don’t say those exact words. Unless, of course, both sides decide to end it.

      What if the shoe were on the other foot? Would you want to be dropped if you had depression or anxiety? Having those issues is not what makes you a bad person. Your spouse having issues like those does not justify cheating.

      You need to actually face your marriage issues, not look for a distraction. There are some low-cost therapy options. There’s always the option of sitting your spouse down and letting her know you’re unhappy. Maybe together, you can agree on mutually beneficial solutions, instead of going behind her back.

      1. not my best self*

        I absolutely would end a relationship if my partner became depressed or developed some other significant mental health issue. I know (from experience) that I cannot be a good, supportive, respectful partner to someone who needs that extra care and patience. For this reason, I deliberately date only mentally healthy, stable people and would break up if my partner developed some mental health issue that affected our dynamics in any substantial way because I Did Not Sign Up for that.

        This doesn’t mean that I think people with those issues are bad people who don’t deserve to be loved. I just know I am not equipped to deal with their issues constructively and it would be better for the both of us to separate. Maybe Anonny is dealing with something similar. I don’t think it’s fair to tell them that their unhappiness is not a “good enough” reason for a divorce.

        1. Nay, naturally*

          I want to be clear that I don’t have an issue with divorce in general. As I said in my post, he does have the option of sitting her down and letting her know he’s unhappy. Then they can come up with a solution, and if divorce is the answer, so be it. What I have an issue with is cheating. I could never endorse deception in any relationship. The OP asked for a vote, and that’s mine.

        2. Dan*

          I’d qualify your first statement with “and doesn’t properly treat it.” We sign up to support another person, not be their parent or caretaker.

          The minute you become caretaker, that’s the minute your needs stop getting met. I can’t function in that environment either.

          Mental health issues don’t give one spouse the right to make a huge mess and tell the other to clean it up without taking responsibility for their role in it.

          1. fposte*

            Right, that’s what I’m thinking. A good friend of mine almost broke up with her husband over this for physical problems, because he wouldn’t go for treatment and wanted her to do all the support instead. (He finally regrouped and they stayed together.)

            I think there are two conflicting general impulses here. One is that people shouldn’t have to stay married if they don’t want to stay married. I don’t think you’re required to stay married until *both* sides decide to end it, and I think that most Americans don’t either, hence the popularity of no-fault divorce.

            But it’s hard to reconcile that with the feeling that it’s really bad to leave somebody who’s ill. That flickers around a little–there are ways to de facto separate that can be perceived as okay (a spouse with Alzheimer’s going into a care home, say). But if you look, for instance, at the statistics about “well spouses,” as they’re called, who take care of their sick partners, it’s generally a significant psychological and physical burden that comes at a health cost. So we’ve got a situation where it’s okay to leave if your partner bores you but not if you want to avoid shortening your life by several years, and that’s weird.

            Obviously, for most people it doesn’t get that far, and many of us with various illnessness are capable of being contributing and supportive partners. But I don’t think we have any cohesive cultural view on marriage and obligation.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              This. Some couples just stay together through it all. I don’t think there is any one reason why- I think when couples chose to stay together there are numerous things going on. One of the elements is a feeling of “I want to stay and help this person.” I know this is one of the things that pushed me along when my husband was sick and dying. And he handled things in a manner that encouraged me to keep going, keep hanging in there. (Okay, he was heroic.)

              I am not seeing any of this stuff in OP’s situation. Granted, his spouse is not terminal but you cannot help a person that is not willing to be helped. Matter of fact, all the money and people in the world are not going to be able to help such an individual. Additionally, a person with ANY type of illness who refuses to get treated will tend to cause more discomfort to those closest to them. It could be discomfort in terms of money/energy/isolation/etc. The effects of these discomforts are cumulative and can cause injury to others. It may not be physical injury, but it is still injury. I have seen people push their loved ones away when they knew they were going down the wrong road. It could be that OP’s spouse wants him to leave. That is extreme, of course. But, OP, you won’t know until you try to find out. Does your spouse want your marriage to work? That is the bottom line.

              Yeah, you can go ahead and decide to have that affair in spite of all the cautions you read here. All you have done is add another layer of complexity to an already complex situation. So, yes, your situation could get worse than it is now.

              If you want to be free to go live your life then do that. I believe in facing things head on. Find out what you have to work with here. You will get some surprises. You will find out that somethings are not as bleak as you thought and somethings will not be as easy as you thought. This is how this goes, usually. Do it anyway because it is the fairest thing to do for yourself and your spouse.

          2. not my best self*

            Yes, yes. I tried to qualify it later by saying the problem had to be serious enough to affect our dynamics. I do not do well in the caretaker role. I have a HUGE impulse to be a Fixer in these situations. In my first relationship, my partner became deeply depressed, I tried to fix everything by forcing him into therapy, pressuring him to take meds, giving him all kinds of “helpful” suggestions, etc, he became (rightfully) resentful, I felt unappreciated, and it became this horrible co-dependent spiral that ended up with us actively disliking each other at the end. It was much better for both of us when we parted. I do not want to inflict my “helpfulness” on someone like that again.

            If it’s some kind of low level anxiety or something that comes up only once in a while or my partner is getting treatment on their own and does not rely heavily on me for support, then I’m fine. It’s when I’m in the caretaker role that I can’t deal with it.

          3. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

            I understand your overall point, but I strenuously disagree with your assertion that once you become a caretaker your needs stop being met. That might happen but surely isn’t guaranteed to.

            1. TL -*

              I think if you’re a full time, long-term caretaker, you’re most likely not really in a relationship of equals anymore and for most people that means that their needs of being in an adult relationship of equals, however that works out to be – isn’t getting met. There are probably exceptions, of course, though.

              Obviously, everyone’s going to have short-term times where one partner needs more and the other needs less, but those times tend to even out over the course of most relationships.

          4. BritCred*

            Agreed with again. My husband refused to deal with a libedo issue until it was a health related one in other ways and he suddenly wanted to be able to have kids. If he’d dealt with it earlier and been open to the discussion and the honesty then it would have gone a different way completely. As it was we grew apart so much that it was beyond saving and we’d both changed too much.

            I tried getting that contact from others and it didn’t solve things because the issues in the marriage ran deeper than that even though I focused on that issue out of ease of blame. I will say that by the time I did we had agreed to being in an open relationship so it wasn’t exactly betrayal in my case.

            I got to the point of being suicidal before I stopped trying to distract myself and realized that no matter the financial consequences the marriage had to end and I had to move on. I spent a year or more unwinding a lot and I’m still trying to unwind the physical and mental health issues ignoring it, and searching out sex elsewhere, caused in my case.

            Guilt is a huge factor – or was for me – when someones health issues are at the core of the obvious first line faults in a relationship. That worked against me far too long.

            1. Dan*

              I hear you on the suicidal aspects. I paid to get out of my marriage too, and never once regretted it. I had the guilt thing too, but finally accepted that if spouse wouldn’t help themself, I’d go down with her, and that’s not fair to me. “Til death do us part” doesn’t refer to suicide, I don’t think.

        4. FYI*

          So…curious, if your partner developed aggressive cancer, you’d leave them because You Didn’t Sign On or That? Or is it just mental health issues that would trigger you to walk away?

          1. Nashira*

            We all know mental illnesses aren’t real illnesses, right? More like moral failings.

            BRB punching a wall. CrazyNash has a reeeeeal hard time with people who act like “mentally stable” folks are quantifiably better than people like me.

          2. TL -*

            I grew up with a very mentally unstable parent that I had to do a lot of caretaking for. I could not do that again, ever – been there, done that, it’s not for me. It has literally nothing to do with the other person and a whole lot to do with my own issues and limitations.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              I read where most abuse of folks with illness happens in private homes not in NPO living arrangements. And this is how it starts. The caregiver is not up for the task and, oddly, still remains in the situation. Both the caregiver and the care recipient end up worse off.
              I know I can’t do it anymore. And it’s not that I don’t care. I do care very much. But I cannot be anyone’s primary caregiver. I have nothing left inside of me. It will restore itself, but it will take time.

              2. Anon369*

                It’s not really “oddly”, though, right? Maybe caring for your parents is optional at some level, but if they’re married, there’s tremendous pressure to uphold your vows. If it’s a child, leaving is abandonment. And trust me when I say that unless you’re pretty wealthy (well above the average dual-income salary level) with a lot of resources, or out of cash in total, it is very difficult to get enough support for ill people and their caregivers.

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  I see your point. I was a bit too brief. You can still hold up your marriage vows while a spouse is in a nursing home or respite or even under the care of in-home help.

                  Most recently, a friend was helping his friend. This man’s wife was very sick and would not allow hospice in to help. Well, the man was starting to get sick himself from the 24 hour days. It took two people to convince the man to call for help. People will go beyond their physical limits sometimes to take care of the person they love. In reality, the level of care needed requires a crew of people.

          3. not my best self*

            It depends. The type of care that I know how to provide (happy-go-lucky encouragement, doing every little thing for someone to the point that it’s condescending, giving unsolicited advice) tends to be highly counter-productive for people with depression. I know they CAN’T just get out of bed and exercise and feel better!!!! like I want them to, so I start doing everything for them because I! want! to! help! and that isn’t productive, either, but I don’t know what else to do. Maybe I would be better suited to caring for someone with a physical illness. I’m not sure, I haven’t been in that situation yet.

        5. Dynamic Beige*

          “I deliberately date only mentally healthy, stable people”

          OK, I’m genuinely curious… how do you know the people you are dating fall into these parameters? Do you have a list of warning signs or red flags that you look out for? Are you super in touch with yourself where you check your expectations constantly to make sure you’re not dismissing or making allowances for bad behaviour? I mean, usually it takes about 6 months, give or take, for the social masks to fall away and you see who the person really is not who you want them to be, whether that’s due to comfort or the hormones starting to wear off or you can no longer sweep it under the rug to get along or whatever YMMV. So either you have a really good system that other people might profit from or a lot of really short relationships (or both).

          I would also suggest that while it may be possible to determine mental fitness right now, there’s no guarantee it will always be so. There’s no way to know for sure who is going to come down with dementia or Alzheimers, any more than there’s certainty who will develop cancer, get MS or break their hip. I hope as you grow older your patience also develops as well, as one day you may find yourself in a situation you never bargained on through no fault of anyone and need those mental reserves to deal with it.

          1. Samantha*

            +1. You never know what the future holds! I don’t have a history of mental illness or emotional issues, but within the first two years of my marriage, a set of really tragic and unexpected events led to me being in a really dark emotional place. Thank God my husband didn’t say, “I didn’t sign up for this – I’m out.” If you don’t take “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” seriously, don’t get married.

            1. TL -*

              Would you advocate Annony’s spouse filing for divorce if she found out about the cheating or is that something that also falls under for better or for worse?

              Some people can’t deal with others being ill. Some people can. Others can deal in varying shades – you should ideally talk about this before you get hitched. Marriage is not a “you sign up for what you get” deal – things happen, at best being unhappy in a relationship for the rest of your life, at worst being abused and facing a severe shortening of one’s life – and it’s no shame to end a marriage if it’s not how you want to spend the rest of your life.

              1. Samantha*

                So what would that conversation look like? “I love you, but I ‘can’t deal’ with illness so if you become depressed or get cancer I’m out of here”? The point of making those marriage vows is that you don’t know what the future holds but you’re committing to each other for the long haul anyway.

                1. TL -*

                  Yeah, pretty much the conversation would look like that – I mean, hopefully kinder in phrasing but essentially, you let people know if you’re not capable of sticking around for something before committing. They can then decide if they want to take a chance on you or not. Some people will and some people won’t, but they’re making an informed choice.

                  Also, just because this comparison is bothering me, being seriously depressed is more akin to developing a long-term, uncurable disease or disability than cancer. Cancer is usually treatable/responsive or not; it is much rarer for it to persist as a long-term daily condition that significantly affects quality of life. Generally, cancer has an endpoint of some sort, whereas mental illness may be a daily management/caretaker situation for an undefined piece of time.

          2. not my best self*

            I worded that initial statement poorly. They don’t have to be 100%. My current partner is severely phobic of driving, and I’ve had to accept that he will probably never get a driver’s license. But that doesn’t really affect me because he takes the bus or walks. I can deal with that.

            After rooming with someone in college who at first seemed completely normal but later revealed a penchant for slashing his wrists, banging his head against walls, and threatening to kill himself at the slightest provocation (and then later claiming to have no memory of the incident), I’ve gotten some experience at figuring out which behaviors I can’t cope with and screening for them.

            I know things can change. If I decided to stick with someone through the long haul (like, we have kids together) and they developed an issue, I’d get therapy for myself to develop that patience and those mental reserves and try to learn how to be a better caretaker. But right now I’m young and would much rather just avoid it completely, if I can.

            But anyway. My point was that some people are not suited to be caretakers, and I do not agree with the people shaming the OP for not trying harder to work things out with his wife. It sounds like he’s already been through therapy with her and he’s decided that he’s reached his limit. That should be respected.

        6. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

          Uh, wow. I guess it’s good that you know your limits, but it sounds really sad to me. I mean, that basically means you can’t have intimate relationships at all. Because everyone who is “mentally stable” is CURRENTLY mentally stable; the future is unpredictable. Same.goes for physical ailments or disabilities.

          I hope you disclose this limitation to partners: “Btw, if you end up depressed I’ll leave you.”

          1. TL -*

            I don’t think that’s what not my best self is saying. They’re saying they can’t stay in a relationship where their role is primary caretaker for another person’s mental health. I think that’s fair – and I’m in the same boat with them. It’s not sad and it’s not limiting of relationships – plenty of people never have major mental illnesses/disorders or have only a one-time incidence that they treat and never see a recurrence of, just like plenty of people never have a major physical ailment or only have one that is curable/highly treatable.

            Just like some people can’t be with the super messy or super neat or can’t stand those who yell when they’re mad or a spender vs saver mentality – it’s another area to evaluate for compatibility, and it’s better that you know that before getting into a relationship than find out when your SO needs you the most and you can’t be there.

    10. Dan*

      Are you certain you have to pay up?

      Spousal support really sucks when incomes are imbalanced. I’m not sure how they figure I can cough up a third of my income.

      As a dude who plans not to have kids, there’s not a lot of incentive to get married. If I do, there is going to be a prenup that says as long as we remain childless, there will not be spousal support under any circumstance.

      1. fposte*

        Those often don’t hold up if contested, though. The court will generally look at them pretty carefully in the event of divorce rather than just accepting them wholesale. Might want to stick with just living with people if that’s the concern.

        1. Kat*

          Some states have common law marriages, which is when a couple lives together for a specified amount of time. Then, you can be ordered to pay spousal support.

          It depends on which state and how they define it. So living together but not marrying doesnt always protect you.

          1. fposte*

            Only a few do, though, and it’s not something that accidentally happens to you while you’re living together–you have to consciously “hold yourself out” as husband and wife and call yourself married.

      2. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

        I’m not a lawyer and I have no idea what the laws are around spousal support, so I can’t pretend to have any knowledge.

        However, it just makes so many sense to me. My husband and I don’t have kids, but our incomes and life choices are highly dependent on each other, in ways that would have lasting effects if we divorced. He went to business school while I supported us; his income tripled. I absolutely “deserve” some of that. I was able to accept a role with 50% travel that increased by salary by nearly 50% because he held down the fort at home; he deserves some of that. He’s studying for the CFA, so I’ve done all the cooking for the past 6 months. We moved to Minnesota because my family is here; that affected both of our salaries. I don’t know what wold be fair – it’s obviously complicated – but it’s not nothing.

    11. Bea W*

      I had to google “Ashley Madison”.

      Good God no! Please find a way to deal with it head on. If you do not want to take the divorce option, find some way to make it work that doesn’t involve betraying your spouse and being dishonest, and worse yet choosing that route because you don’t want to pay spousal support. That’s a really horrible thing to do to anyone, let alone someone who presumably still care about. It could very well end in divorce all the same, when your wife finds out and decides she wants a divorce. Lose-lose.

    1. Jaune Desprez*

      I loved this too! The Moby Dick texts were my favorite, but they were all good. It’s a great book to leave lying around for friends to enjoy.

  4. Merely*

    What jobs did you idolize as a child and why? Firefighter? Garbageman? Ballerina? Astronaut?
    I really wanted to be an archaeologist so I could discover King Tut’s tomb.It did not occur to me that its previous excavation would be an obstacle to my “discovering” it.

    1. Merry and Bright*

      I wanted to work in a library. Just because they were full of books. I thought I could sit and read all day!

      1. Adam*

        I worked in the big graduate library when I was a student in college. At the beginning of the quarter everything was “Books. Cool!” At the end of the quarter everything was “Oh, God…Books…”

        1. Chartreuse*

          Yes, I worked in a library once and it was so hard! Not the actual work, which was very easy, and sometimes boring. It was so hard to have to just put book after enticing book onto the shelves without pausing and opening them to read!

          1. Ann Furthermore*

            I worked in a library too, in college. It was the library in the business school. So, yes, the work was pretty easy, but there was no desire to open the books and read them while shelving. LOL.

          2. Panda Bandit*

            I volunteered at a library. Every time I shelved a cart full of books I’d find at least a dozen that I wanted to read.

            1. Stephanie*

              I volunteered at my city’s library warehouse where all the donations (and Borders (RIP) inventory) was stored. I was always finding weird things in there that I kept reading.

        2. Merry and Bright*

          Sounds like the summer I sold ice creams! Perhaps there was a silver lining about my early library ambitions after all. Besides, I didn’t realise back then that reading-on-the-job wasn’t part of the deal!

    2. Joanna Reichert*

      I wanted to:

      * Be a reporter/photographer for National Geographic
      * Be a veterinarian
      * Own a horse farm / animal rescue
      * Live in a treehouse with my kitties

      Hmmm, I’d better get on that . . .

    3. Gene*

      I wanted to be a chemist. Ended up not going to college but my career involves and requires lots of chemistry and ChemE knowledge. I’m content.

        1. Writer*

          Journalism was one of the many fields I’ve been in. I enjoyed it, but I worked for a small town newspaper where the pay was dismal and there was no upward mobility. It is a fun job in many ways, but also very stressful in others. News is 24/7, which means the hours are often unpredictable and long. That makes it hard to plan life sometimes.

        2. nep*

          Enjoyed it immensely. Was always very much in my element. Past tense because I’m no longer working in that field. I reckon once a journalist always a journalist (I see in my daily life how I still use a lot of the skills/habits); but it’s not how I make a living today, except for the odd freelance project now and again.

    5. Cath in Canada*

      I wanted to be David Attenborough or Jane Goodall. Failing that, a vet, preferably in a zoo or safari park. I still kinda want to be all of those things. If only someone had told 16 year old me that you can be a vet who does genetics research – that I didn’t have to give up the dream of the former to do the latter!

    6. Dynamic Beige*

      It’s not so much idolise as I guess I thought it was really cool. When I was 5 (?) someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and without even thinking about it, I said that I wanted to be a stewardess. I do not think I had ever thought about that before. We had flown on a plane to take my baby sister to see her grandma for the first time and when you’re 4 and on a plane for the first time ever — it’s totally amazeballs.

      But then my mother had to go and get her two cents in, because I was never allowed to have stuff just for me and she told me that I didn’t want to be a stewardess, I wanted to be an airline pilot… because (wait for it) she would get to fly anywhere she wanted to for free (because after all, what’s the point of having children that are self determined and pick things they would like to do based on their own talents and what would make them happy when you as a parent could — and should — profit from them?). She then launched into a big long story to the person who had asked me the question about how she knew this was true based on a distant relation working at the airport… while I sat there and tried to figure out what the bloody hell a pilot was. I knew that a stewardess was a pretty lady who came around and gave you food ON A PLANE. I knew I could do that, and be ON A PLANE all the time? She was so lucky. But this “pilot” thing, hadn’t a clue. They hadn’t taken me to meet the pilots or see the cockpit or anything like that. The whole “my daughter the future airline pilot” thing was something mother would bring up every now and then… until it turned out I needed glasses and then it just went away. I never really had any “I want to be a ballerina” type dreams or ambitions until I got to high school and saw that having a college education and a career was a way to get out. Up until then, mother would pick my future career for me as it suited her. Such fun. Of course, I know now that being a stewardess/flight attendant is not totally amazeballs and that is kind of sad… but aren’t all the jobs we thought were so awesome when we were kids just not what we expected they would be?

      2. fposte*

        Though now you’re reminding me that after I read Coffee, Tea, or Me? as a preteen I briefly wanted to be a stewardess as well.

        I was quite startled as an adult to find out the book was all made up. It makes sense when you think about it, but I was ten or so and wasn’t thinking about it. It was just cool grownup stuff.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I read two of the Vicki Barr books (these vintage career stories about a stewardess who solved mysteries). They were my mum’s. When I grew up, I found a bunch more of them. I don’t want to be a flight attendant, but I still enjoy the stories.

          1. fposte*

            Coffee, Tea, or Me? was more salacious–lots about flirting, creepers, sex, and the occasional bit of crime. I was a shocked young thing when I found out that stewardesses had sex!

      3. Jill of All Trades*

        I sympathize with you; my mother was the exact same way, right through into my adulthood.

        1. Dynamic Beige*

          When you grow up like that, you don’t really realise that it’s “wrong” because it’s your normal and what you’re used to. I knew she wasn’t “right” but it’s not like you can come home one day and announce you’re leaving because you’ve found a better parent. Mother died of cancer when I was in college but it’s only been in the past few years that I’ve been really looking at my childhood from a place of “Oh, so all the adult problems I’ve got now, I was sort of trained into them? Right, how did that work exactly…” rather than just thinking that I’m a screw up/it’s all my fault. I mean, it is my fault for continuing the behaviour once I’ve examined it/lapsing into old bad comfortable patterns, but if you don’t know why you’re doing something, it’s kind of not surprising you keep doing it.

          So if you or anyone else out there reads my anecdote and feels a sickening twinge of “me too”, I would like to recommend a couple of books I’ve read recently, Mothers Who Can’t Love (by the same author as Toxic Parents) and If You Had Controlling Parents (which IMO was better from a “so that’s why…” standpoint). It’s always a wonderful feeling to know you’re not crazy and this happens to other people/you’re not alone in this. There is such immense societal pressure on “respecting your parents/mothers are saints” that it’s hard to speak up when you have experienced something much different from that. And the guilt! But, in the end you have to do what’s right for you and if that means keeping a distance from one or both parents/family so they don’t eat you alive, then that’s what you have to do.

          1. Jill of All Trades*

            Yes! I’ve kept a huge distance for about 8 years now and it’s made a huge difference in my life. But there are some who guilt me because they had a healthy, loving relationship with their now-deceased parent and they cannot fathom how I could refuse to be around my living mother. I just ask them to be grateful for the parents they had, because they never had to make that choice.

            And for anyone out there who is in that position currently, it is a choice. You do not have to have toxic people in your life, regardless of degree of relation. It’s not a choice without consequences, but consider the consequences of continuing to be around a toxic, controlling parent(s).

            1. Chartreuse*

              I’m really sorry to hear about that. I kind of feel a need to come to the defense of people who don’t understand your decision to place physical distance between you and your parent. It’s not necessarily that they are all of them coming at it from a place of having a warm, healthy relationship with their own parent. Some have problem parents, but are in a place where the boundary between them and the toxicity does not have to be a physical one, if that makes sense. They have boundaries, but it is more of a “letting stuff go in one ear and out the other” kind of deal, rather than “I can’t even be around them and hear the kind of stuff they say” kind of deal. I do understand that not everyone is able to do that (or able to do that at a given point in time), so physical distance may be necessary in some cases. I just wanted to point out that not everyone who is surprised at you never being around your parent is coming at it with zero understanding of how terrible some parents’ attitudes can be.

              1. Dynamic Beige*

                Also, they may have problem parents, but are in denial over it/still believing that they can make it work/don’t understand what the problem is/have been thoroughly conditioned that it’s all their fault/”doesn’t everyone have problems with their parents?” There are a *lot* of cultural messages out there that we believe or throw about like “your parents only want what is best for you”, “they’re only hard on you because they want you to be the best you can be”… I’m sure there are dozens of others anyone can think of that they’ve heard — and that’s not even touching on religious teachings. It may take someone seeing their parent(s) do something to their own children to make them realise the parents are never going to change and do something about it.

                1. Chartreuse*

                  Yeah, people are complicated! I’m complicated, you’re complicated, our parents are complicated and our relationship with them is even more complicated! :) “Good parents” are never perfectly good, and “bad parents” are rarely completely bad either. I think some of the messages you are mentioning are actually good to have in the culture, we just have to have the wisdom to interpret them in a nuanced way and then apply them appropriately in our particular situation.

                  “Your parents only want what is best for you” for example might be better interpreted as “*Good* parents only want what is best for you, but even good parents lapse into selfishness from time to time, and even when they are not selfish but are truly wanting what is best for you, wanting it and knowing what it is are two different things.”

                  The latter interpretation would then be applied to my situation by thinking carefully about whether on the whole my parents are selfish or unselfish in their attitude towards their children, to decide whether to to put them in the category “good” or not. If they aren’t in the category “good” to begin with, then, yeah, the message doesn’t really apply to them.

                  The reason the message is still a really good thing to have in the culture is because of the influence it has on parental behavior by setting up the expectation that they are *supposed* to have their children’s best interest at heart. It’s always a good idea to set expectations high; even if people don’t always meet the standard, they’ll be better than they would be if the expectation were quite low and they weren’t meeting it!

      4. Merry and Bright*

        Whatever their intentions, and with apologies in advance to any AAM readers whom I may be about to offend – parents, teachers and careers advisers do not always know best. But when we are young we often don’t have the wisdom and life experience to know this. Last year, my god-daughter was experiencing opposition because she really, really wants to be a marine biologist. From all the projects and volunteering she has done, this does not surprise me at all. But, the advice was on the lines of: competitive field, few openings so be practical. However, the sister of my oldest school friend is a marine biologist. My friend and I were able to put the two of them together. It has caused a little “tension” on the lines that I am getting Jane’s hopes up but nobody knows for absolute certain which path will lead where. The thing is, it is your life.

        1. Jill of All Trades*

          I would say that she’s getting a better reality check by getting to hear directly from someone in the industry about the career path and challenges. Outsiders who have done no research would have no idea of how broad or narrow that career path may be, nor would they know how hard it is to get into. Good on you for helping her find out what it’s really like.

        2. Tenn*

          Junior year — more than two decades ago, when magazine journalism was thriving — I was selected by my university to be one of two candidates from the university to participate in the competitive national internship program run through the American Society of Magazine Editors. We then were asked to list the top five publications where we’d like to work for the summer. My university’s advisers across the board pushed and pushed for me to select publications no college student would select by choice instead of the national names that were big at the time, because they reasoned, then I’d be more likely to get one of my choices. But that made no sense to me — this was an internship, and I could take a chance and get one of my top five choices (if I wasn’t good enough I’d be assigned to a magazine that wasn’t a top choice anyway), or I could completely eliminate all possibility of getting one of those top five choices by not even trying to get a publication I really wanted. When I was assigned to a Time Inc. publication for the summer the adviser’s jaw dropped to the floor and he asked me to repeat that again.

      5. Bea W*

        Ugh. I sympathize! My mother was the same but for different reasons which I’m not entirely clear on – in any case it amounted to the same thing, mom telling me want I really wanted to do instead of accepting what I said I wanted to do.

      6. Noelle*

        Your mom reminds me of mine :( Except she didn’t really think *any* career for a woman was worthwhile, and she homeschooled me so I was stuck with her all day every day. I wanted to be a marine biologist, because I loved swimming and dolphins and sharks. But my mom kept telling me how terrible I was at math and science so eventually I started believing it. It wasn’t until after college that I realized I actually was pretty good at math, and I even like it.

    7. RFM*

      I wanted to be a psychiatrist! By the time I was sixteen I realised that would mean six years in med school and then six years of specialising in psychiatry, and I had such a horrid time at high school that twelve more years of schooling were unimaginable. (Of course I’m ending up spending almost ten years in university anyway, but ah well.)

    8. C Average*

      Either an entomologist or a writer.

      When I learned that entomologists have to kill the insects in order to study them, that was a deal-breaker. So, I’ve settled for being a writer.

      (I also fantasized about being a diplomat like my cousin, but he is BRILLIANT and I pretty much always knew I didn’t have the chops to do what he does.)

      1. hermit crab*

        My brother had exactly the same entomology awakening! Now he is a software engineer … I guess that’s about dealing with a different kind of bug. :)

      2. Tau*

        I had that entomology awakening too! I think my career hopes went mathematician -> astronomer -> entomologist -> botanist -> mathematician (and now I’m belatedly switching tracks to software development, natch). This may say more about my family than it does about me.

      3. Ento nerd*

        Ha, I’m an entomologist! But I wasn’t particularly interested in bugs as a kid. A few weeks ago some people mentioned that they always got “forest ranger” on the career tests in school (so did I). Never wanted to be a forest ranger as a kid but now I think I’d actually enjoy it.

    9. Sara*

      I also wanted to be an archaeologist for a very long time, and for a similar reason! (Got my kicks by studying abroad in Egypt in college.) Other dream jobs included journalist (high school newspaper sucked the fun out of that one), geneticist (high school chemistry put the kibosh on that), diplomat, and lawyer. I actually never, ever wanted to be a teacher as a youth…that’s what I am now, haha. I still aspire to combine that with my international interests, perhaps by working for a non-profit or going back into Peace Corps on the staff side, but for now I’m quite content in the classroom.

    10. Alston*

      There were many

      horse girl (I didn’t want to deal with cows so I couldn’t be a cow girl)

      archeologist
      artist
      documentary filmmaker
      and my favorite –car designer. My parents are birdwatchers. I wanted to make them a car that looked like a duck, with feet instead of wheels.

    11. Alistair*

      Yeah, totally astronaut here. I recently found a biography report I wrote about Neil Armstrong in like fourth grade or thereabouts. Loved the space shuttle (had two Lego shuttles), even went to Space Camp one year.

      Now? I help other companies turn big rocks into little rocks efficiently, and am quite happy to keep the Earth beneath my feet.

    12. CheeryO*

      I thought that ballerina astronaut was a viable career option in first grade… I was obsessed with space to the point where I borrowed every space book from the library over the course of a couple years – even the boring reference books. Dunno where I got the ballerina part, though, seeing as how I never took a single dance class.

      I wanted to be a teacher when I got older. I’m glad I didn’t pursue that, because I don’t have the patience or communication skills to be a good teacher!

    14. Mephyle*

      Another 5-year-old archeologist here. I’m not unsatisfied with where I ended up, but I do feel a bit of regret that when it was time to choose a university program, I never thought of investigating what it would take to become an archeologist. Somehow in my mind, that possibility was left behind as a childhood dream, and it didn’t occur to me that it could have been a real option.

    15. danr*

      Paleontologist… then I found out that it involved a lot of math. I still read all I can and am very pleased that the Brontosaurus is back.

      2. Mints*

        Omg! I loved dinosaurs as a kid, and Brontosaurus was my favorite. I was super excited when I saw that, too.

        Paleontologist was an idea for awhile, because, yeah dinosaurs.

    16. Anonsie*

      Haha, that reminds me of how I wanted to get into medical research so I could work on the Human Genome Project. It was finished long before I was out of school and now when I tell people that was my inspiration they always get this look on their face like they’re not sure if I know it’s over and wondering if they should tell me.

    17. Felicia*

      I wanted to be an author. I still think about it sometimes. I do get to write most of teh time in my job which has fulfilled much of my desire I just didn’t know that many careers back then. I still do a lot of creative writing and hope to turn it into a book someday.

    18. Julia*

      I wanted to be a clothing designer; or an executive secretary or something like that. ( think Joan in Mad Men) this was the 50’s. Then I wanted to be a journalist, working for Mademoiselle or Glamour magazine. When I went to college, I started as a journalism major, then switched to business, often being the only woman in my class. I’ve spent The past forty years in retail, and I’ve been able to combine my love of fashion, writing, and business analysis in one career. So you never know where you’ll end up or how you’ll get there.

      1. Jean*

        Elizabeth, I’m still burning a (metaphorical) candle of hope that you’ll find your marriage-and-family happiness, even if it comes in an unexpected shape or at an unexpected time. Just wanted to let you know that you’ve got a friend in cyberspace.
        :-)

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Thanks. *hug*
          *sigh*
          Always I have to take somebody else’s messed-up, rebounding dregs. Do. not. want. I expect the goddamn fairy tale and if I don’t get it, I’m done.

          1. C Average*

            Fair enough, and I do really, really hope you get it.

            But before you toss out ALL the dregs in the same bucket, can I share the story of how C Average got together with Summa Cum Laude, aka my husband?

            Rewind about seven years. I’m making crappy but adequate money at my dream company, and having a lot of fun doing it. I’m working a lot of hours, running a lot of road races, and basically enjoying life. I know I want to find the right guy and get married someday, and while I’m leaning toward no kids, I’m not opposed to considering them if I wound up with someone who really wanted them. Life feels a little temporary, but pretty good.

            I date occasionally, but none of the guys I’m into seem particularly commitment-oriented and things tend to fizzle out every time. It makes me feel a bit B-list about myself romantically speaking, but I have lots else going on and don’t dwell much on it. I’m trying not to dream too big, you know?

            At a gathering for my running club, I wind up chatting with a guy I’ve met a few other times. I can’t honestly say he’s made a strong impression. He’s tall and skinny and fast, like most of the other guys in the club. He’s a few years older than me. Bald. Very type A, big overachiever. An engineer. Jewish. He’s divorced with two kids. And they’re not cute kids. They’re sullen, silent little girls who look like they need to spend some time in therapy. If Not My Type had a picture beside it in the dictionary, it would be this guy. But he’s funny and intelligent and enjoyable to make small talk with, so we make some small talk, and I pretty much forget about the whole thing.

            A few weeks later I get an email from him that says something like this: “Hey, C. I hope you don’t mind me reaching out to you with what’s going to sound like a funny question. Can we go out to dinner and just hang out? This isn’t a date or anything like that. I just always enjoy talking to you. I like your sense of humor and I think we’d be great friends, and I could use some great friends right now. Think about it and let me know.”

            I think about it and decide, heck, why not? A not-a-date dinner with a smart, funny, nice guy who isn’t trying to score with me or anything sounds rather nice.

            So we go out to dinner and mostly talk about our dating misadventures and failures. It’s an enjoyable evening, over too soon. At some point it comes out in conversation that we both enjoy poetry and classic literature–a surprising revelation, coming from an engineer.

            We wind up in an ongoing email back-and-forth that includes a lot of talk of our favorite poets and writers. We have similar taste. There are more dinners. There are flimsy excuses to hang out. Then a big storm hits our area and, since he lives on a big hill, he invites me over to go sledding. Picturesque, disgustingly cute hijinks ensue. Aaaaand we become a couple.

            It was so crazy we gave no thought at all to our long-term prospects. We took for granted that it would end. We just hoped it would end in a way that let us remain friends. We talked about his failed marriage and my unsuitability for commitment. He was a neurotic mess and I was kind of a dingbat. But we read each other Homer aloud and went on road trips and sat in his hot tub looking at the stars. I got to know the two sullen little girls and found ways to make them laugh. I met his ex-wife and understood why things had ended and why he was still a good prospect, even if he was a bit of a fixer-upper. (Hell, so was I.)

            We actually broke up for a while. The kid thing seemed like a bridge too far. But I missed him. He was and is the best person I’ve ever met: generous, kind, brilliant, funny, hard-working, possessed of fierce integrity. And somehow he was my kindred spirit, too. I couldn’t fathom settling for someone else. I went back to him, tail between my legs, and asked for a do-over.

            Less than a year later, I married him. I married him and his two sometimes rotten children and his sometimes drama-creating ex-wife and his sprawling, chaotic house and his neurotic tendencies and his emotional baggage. I brought him love and joy; he brought me a measure of stability and security I never would have achieved on my own.

            We sometimes sit in the hot tub together and wonder whether the Ivy League-educated Jewish astrophysicist he was supposed to end up with is enjoying her life with the shaggy-haired snowboard instructor with a liberal arts degree that I was supposed to end up with. We hope they’re happy.

            It’s not a fairy tale or anything, but we have a really wonderful life together. Our fourth wedding anniversary is next week. I’m not gonna lie: the early years were hard, with lots of adjustment on everyone’s part. But the past two years, as we’ve found our groove, neither of us has ever been happier. I’m so glad I took a chance on a guy with some baggage and some history, and I’m so glad he took a chance on me. I think everyone is better for us being together: him, me, his kids, even his ex. It is a net good for the universe that we are together. It would be a net loss to the universe if we’d missed out on this relationship in pursuit of some unattainable ideal.

            Everybody’s gotta have standards and deal-breakers; I totally get that. But think carefully about what they are, and what you could be missing.

            3. Elizabeth West*

              You can’t miss anything when there is nothing to miss. And when I say nothing, I am not joking or exaggerating. I mean NOTHING. The antennae are widely focused and picking up only static.

              It’s a big empty desert and I’m in the middle of it.

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                I think C Average was responding to the earlier comment that “I expect the goddamn fairy tale and if I don’t get it, I’m done.” Given that there aren’t actually any fairy tales — particularly at the start of relationships, when you can’t possibly know the person well enough for something like that to be real* — that sounds sort of like closing yourself off to relationships, even though it also sounds like you want one. (I imagine that was more of a throwaway comment than one meant seriously, but I think that’s the context for this.)

                * I say that as someone with a strong bias toward believing that early-stage infatuation has very little connection with long-term suitability.

                Relatedly: You might need to move :)

                1. Elizabeth West*

                  It basically was (throwaway).

                  Believe me, I would kill to move–but I just don’t see how. I do not have the money to do that. Also, I have no idea where to go. Nothing is any different anywhere else I’ve ever lived, and I can’t afford to go anywhere good.

                1. Elizabeth West*

                  I’m not sure–I’ve never lived anyplace ever where I had this much trouble meeting people. I think it’s a combination of both. Not close enough to any large cities, and even though this area has over 160,000 people (counting outlying burbs), there isn’t anything to speak of. I have tried everything I can think of. That just astonishes me. I literally have not met one single person I would want to date who is not taken, and all the single ones are either way too old or way too young, or I haven’t met one I’m even remotely attracted to. You would think there would be just ONE PERSON.

                  I don’t really fit in here, either; it’s very churchy / camouflage / Walmart / sports fan / huntin’ and fishin’. I seriously do not think there is anyone here or I would have met him already.

              3. Merry and Bright*

                Not going to send over a pile of glib words. Just been there :)

                (Single for a while but adjusted to it).

    20. Grey*

      I didn’t dream big. When I was a little kid, I seriously wanted to be a garbage truck driver. I just thought about cool it would be to drive that big truck around the neighborhood. The dream died the day I saw the driver get out and swap places with the guy on the back.

    21. Ann Furthermore*

      I also thought being an archaeologist would be really cool. This was due to 2 things: seeing Raiders of the Lost Ark, and traveling to Egypt with my parents when I was about 10. We were living in the Middle East, and it was our first big trip. I remember seeing the Pyramids and just being amazed.

      All throughout high school I was the math poster child and had a terrible time with it. And what did I end up doing? Getting an accounting degree! And now I’m an IT nerd that implements/supports Oracle Financials. Go figure! My mom is convinced that it was because of gender stereotyping by my elementary school teachers (only boys are supposed to be good at math and science, etc), and I think she might have been right. She’s a pretty smart cookie.

      1. Bea W*

        There was open stereotyping/bias when I was in school. I loved math and science. I would give my dad a piece of paper and a pencil and beg him to write me out hard* math problems to solve. When I got into high school I had turned off thinking about a career in those things and was struggling to figure out what I wanted to study in college. Nothing else was really that appealing. This is despite the “liberated” grandmother and some early support and encouragement at home (except from mom), but it wasn’t enough to override all that time I spent in school being subtly or not-so-subtly discouraged from excelling in those areas.

        *Hard for a second grader

    22. katamia*

      I wanted to be Xena, a Power Ranger, or an archaeologist. (I…did not have a great grip on reality as a child, lol.) I’m still really interested in history and archaeology, but I took an archaeology course as a teenager at summer camp and realized I didn’t want to be out there digging and everything. I’m happy just to read about it.

      1. Bea W*

        I really wanted to be super hero and have super powers that involved flying, being super strong, and having other magic powers, like being able to turn invisible and move things with my mind or granting people wishes and being able to transport people magically great distances.

    23. Panda Bandit*

      Lawyer. I changed my mind after finding about all the extra years of school involved. I liked school but there’s a point when it’s just too much.

      1. Bea W*

        I remember when I was really young my mother telling me that in order to be (whatever unacceptable profession I had chosen – it was probably astronaut, or a doctor, or some kind of scientist) I would have to go to school for a really long time, and wouldn’t that be awful. :-/

        I had totally intended to get a grad degree when I was in college, but once I started working and found a career path I liked and was able to progress in, no thanks! I like learning, but the classroom is just not enjoyable for me.

    24. matcha123*

      I wanted to be: a tornado chaser, study earthquakes and volcanoes…and dig up dinosaur bones and ancient sites. Really anything exciting that would allow me to be outside. I was in elementary school when Jurassic Park came out and I wrote to the Smithsonian about raptors and they kindly replied and sent me some information about them. I think Twister and a bunch of Discovery channel stuff about earthquakes and tornadoes also came out at that time, too.

      Until then, I pictured “work” as a place people go to hate everything about life.

    25. Bea W*

      My mother had a similar fantasy about being an archeologist.

      I really wanted to be an astronaut and go to the moon. It was the early-mid 70s. My mother had told me what jobs girls could do though, and astronaut wasn’t one of them. One day my grandmother (my mother’s mother) asked what I wanted to be. I gave her some unconvincing answer about being a mommy, and she called me out on it. I confessed to grandma I really wanted to be an astronaut but I couldn’t do that because I was a girl. Grandma set me straight, but fast forward 2 years later in school when we were told to make a hat (out of paper and things) that represented what we wanted to be when we grew up and we would have to get in front of the class in groups to talk about it. I was really torn, trying to figure out how I could make a space helmet and then being afraid that I would be laughed at because not everyone was as enlightened as my grandmother. I chickened out last minute and quickly made a nurse’s cap, because that was an acceptable profession for a girl (along with teacher and mother – none of the girls in the class ventured outside of those 3 choices).

      I also wanted to be the first woman president, but mostly I wanted to be an astronaut. Then Challenger happened, and there was a decision to no longer send civilians into space. Since I didn’t want to go into the military, that put an end to that. I did go to Space Camp 2 years after that. It may have been mid-80s but it still wasn’t socially acceptable where I was from as a girl to be interested in or good at science and math. Even when I made summer day camp selections, there were times I (or my sister and I) would be the only girls in that session. There was one summer we both chose a session on space and planets, and sure enough we were the only two girls in the group. :-( Even I was shocked by that. Not even one other girl! Not one!

      1. Kara Zor-El*

        I wanted to go to Space Camp so badly as a child! How cool that you got to have that experience even if your astronaut dreams didn’t pan out. I hope that civilian space travel will be available in my lifetime.

      2. Lindsay J*

        Yeah, I got to go to VoTech summer camp as a 7th grader (usually it was reserved for 8th grade and higher) and I was the only girl in two of my four selections – Engines (I serviced a weedwacker engine) and Business (We came up with something to market, designed a business plan, came up with a competitive price point, and made a powerpoint detailing all the information and research.) Of my other two selections – Flower Arranging was predominantly female, and cooking was fairly evenly mixed if I remember correctly. This would have been around 1998.

    26. Stephanie*

      Classical musician. I played the cello and thought it would be so cool and glamorous to be a symphony player (or some famous soloist). And then I realized a lot of the Yo-Yo Mas of the world started playing at age 3 (I started at age 10) and just did cello and that music school was a long, expensive slog. Also, I hate practicing scales.

      1. Noelle*

        Me too! I went to college for piano performance and for a while it was great, But I actually didn’t start playing piano until I was 15, so my lack of technical background caught up with me pretty quickly. I also decided I didn’t want to have to play piano 10 hours a day for the rest of my life, and hey, it kind of sucks being critiqued constantly on your emotional interpretation of that Mozart sonata. I’m much happier playing for fun now.

    27. Stephanie*

      Oh, Olympic gymnast. I was 10 during the ’96 Olympics and was enthralled by the American team. So I went to a trial class, where I realized quickly I was way too heavy and tall to do gymnastics. Also, I didn’t like the sensation from doing a cartwheel.

    28. anonymous daisy*

      I wanted to be a psychologist just like Bob Newhart on the Bob Newhart Show but then I found out how long and expensive it would be to be one and changed course. Now I belong in a book club and I get that Bob Newhart experience for almost free :)

    29. V. Meadowsweet*

      Either a ballerina or a show jumper, as far as I remember. I’m neither, but have taken up both ballet and horseback riding again :)

  5. The Other Dawn*

    Lately I’ve been trying to find new things to try; the post-op diet can get a little routine sometimes.

    Now that I’m back on track, I want to stay there. I find that I struggle at work mostly. It just seems like such a long day at my desk and I keep wanting to eat all my snacks by 10:00 am. Not because I’m hungry, but because I want something to break up the monotony of work and drinking water all day long. One thing I’ve found that helps me through the workday is to add in a couple cups of flavored tea throughout the day. It gives me something to do (walking to the cafeteria to get the hot water) and I get to enjoy something other than plain old water. There are virtually no calories, no sugar, and very little caffeine. Also, it makes me feel like I’m having a treat.

    I’ve been trying different teas in search of one that just does it for me; that’s the only way I can explain it. I’m finding that many flavored teas smell great while brewing, but they just don’t taste the way they smell. And that’s disappointing, especially in the case of the chocolate mint tea I bought. It smelled so good, but I could only taste the mint.

    Anyone have any suggestions?

    Also, today I made the perfect poached eggs! You can click my name and see it on my blog if you want. They came out great. Mine usually look pretty raggedy, but I decided to add a little vinegar and that helped keep the whites more contained.

    1. Lalaith*

      My very favorite tea (I actually don’t usually like tea at all) is Good Earth Sweet and Spicy. I think they’ve changed their formula recently, because it has a bit more of a fake-cinnamon taste than I remember, but I still love it. It tastes exactly like it smells, and it’s quite sweet on its own without needing to add anything.

      1. C Average*

        +1. If you asked me what “cozy” smells like, I’d say, “Good Earth tea.”

        Tazo Passion and Wild Sweet Orange tea tastes and smells really good, too.

        1. CheeryO*

          +1 for Passion. I haven’t tried any of the other flavors yet since I’ve been enjoying Passion so much.

      2. Blue_eyes*

        Oh, yes. I’m pretty sure that’s the kind one of my college roommates used to make. I was never a big tea drinker up until then, but I really liked that stuff. I like Trader Joe’s chai and Bigelow Plantation Mint (except that I accidentally bought a box of Bigelow black mint tea, which stinks because I like to drink mint tea when I don’t want caffeine).

    2. hermit crab*

      A lot of tea brands have a sampler box with an assortment of different kinds — maybe you need to do a taste test! My current go-to flavor is lemon ginger.

    3. fposte*

      Have you looked at Adagio or other places like that? The Ingenuitea tea steeper Adagio makes is a brilliant thing. But also the ordering of several different kinds of tea to try, steep, savor, and consider makes for a very pleasant small activity, and you might find it useful as a ritual that makes tea breaks more break-y. (Plus the teas are often pretty amazing.)

    4. LisaLee*

      I really like Celestial Seasonings Madagascar Vanilla Red Tea. It’s caffiene-free, which is a plus for me, but it’s strongly flavored and I LOVE the rooibos/vanilla mix (Seattle’s Best Coffee used to do a Vanilla Red Tea Latte and I swear I drank hundreds of those things while they were out, and this tea matches that latte but minus the dairy and sugar). Rooibos is one of those love it or hate it things it seems, but at $3 a box this is a great way to try it.

      I’m also fond of Harney and Sons which are a bit more expensive, but very tasty (especially their cinnamon ones).

        1. LisaLee*

          Ooh, I haven’t. It looks good though, maybe I’ll buy it when I’m out of Celestial Seasonings. I don’t seem to get tired of this flavor combination!

      2. Alston*

        You should try Matte Latte from the Republic of Tra. Hands down favorite tea on earth. Its this dark coffeey/chocolatey/smokey smelling tea that is just everything. I drink it iced but its also amazing hot. And it tastes just like it smells.

      3. Sara*

        I love rooibos! But I still drink it the Namibian/South African way, with tons of sugar and milk…some habits are hard to break. I’ll have to try the one you mentioned, since my current stash is running low.

      4. Short and Stout*

        I was going to suggest rooibos too; I also love honeybush tea, which is also from a bark.

    5. NBF*

      I love mint flavoured green tea. Stash brand has “mojito mint” and “moroccan mint” varieties, both of which are equally good.

    6. Sara*

      I swear by Celestial Seasonings’ Lemon Zinger (which, in spite of name, is heavy on the hibiscus). It smells and tastes amazing.

      1. hermit crab*

        Lemon Zinger takes me straight back to the department computer lab my classmates and I took over as our “office” in college. There was a hot water machine and a never-ending supply of Lemon Zinger tea bags. Sometimes now I drink it just to feel nostalgic.

    7. Blue_eyes*

      Do you have any nice coffee house type places near you that sell loose-leaf tea? You could get small amounts of a few flavors and get a tea infuser (there are some really cute novelty ones on places like modcloth) and do some taste tests. It’s more expensive than tea bags, but it could be a nice way to treat yourself and keep going with your tea habit.

      1. themmases*

        I really recommend this method if there is anywhere around that you like. People at these shops are so knowledgeable and helpful, and have even helped me select the right infuser.

    8. V. Meadowsweet*

      Stash’s ‘White Christmas’ – white tea, ginger, and peppermint – is one of my all-time favourites

    9. Jean*

      Bigelow’s decaf Earl Gray, with milk and decaf Constant Comment, without anything else (it tastes sweet enough–I think it’s the cinnamon).
      Lipton’s decaf, with milk.
      Some of the Celestial Seasonings teas make a flavorful iced tea. Peppermint is refreshing but I find a little bit of mint goes a long way with me.
      I’ve never looked for a decaf Lapsang Souchong. That used to be my favorite flavor, until I had to give up caffeine.
      Thanks for asking this question. You’re inspiring me to step up my own eat-fewer-high-calorie-snacks behavior.

    10. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks, all! I’m going to the local grocery store armed with your suggestions, although I realize some of these won’t be available there. But that’s what the internet if for. :)

      I blogged about my tea woes today. Here’s the link. Sounds a lot like what I wrote here since I wrote one right after the other. http://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2015/04/tea-time.html#.VSpvytzF_mc

      I don’t know of any tea places around here, although I’m new to this part of the state so I’m sure if I look around I’ll find a hidden gem.

    11. matcha123*

      I recently received TWG Tea from the mother of a student I tutor. It’s from Singapore and is available in few places in the US and Canada. I was given their “red” tea, which does turn red and has a lovely smell and taste. It even comes in these retro teabags that make me feel bad about tossing them. But, I would recommend that as a change!

    12. Sunflower*

      Lipton green tea with acai dragon fruit and melon. I like it because it has a fruit flavor but it’s not sweet in anyway. Sometimes I drink it alone or with a splash of lemon juice.

    13. accounting princess*

      I LOVE David’s Tea “Read My Lips” chocolate peppermint tea, and also their birthday cake tea. If you live near one, you can buy very small bags to sample each flavor.

    14. Mz. Puppie*

      I’d put a packet of Splenda in that tea, that that should help bring out the sweeter chocolate flavor.

    15. The Other Dawn*

      I went to the store and ended up with Celestial Seasonings fruit tea sampler pack and Peppermint. I also got Republic of Tea Vanilla Almond. I almost didn’t buy that one, but the store where I got it is going out of business and it was 20% off. Wish me luck!

      I want to try some of the others mentioned, but I’ll have to look around since my store didn’t have them.

    16. Not So NewReader*

      Ginger tea. Especially in cool or cold weather. It’s nice to have in the house because most people will like it if they like herbal teas.
      Blueberry Tea. It helps to knock back some minor aches and pains.
      Seconding the Lemon Zinger- that is good stuff.
      My current kick is Stash Ginger Peach. Yep. It’s peachy.

    17. themmases*

      I really love St Dalfour Earl Grey. At my grocery store it’s in the organic aisle rather than with the rest of the tea. It’s a little more peppery and botanical tasting than citrusy and in my opinion it definitely comes through.

      I also recommend using a pomodoro timer or other method of scheduling breaks. Those have helped me cut down on snacking so much I even found myself drinking less coffee and tea. If I push through to my next break before eating I just find I often was bored and not hungry, or not hungry enough to use my break on getting food.

  6. Adam*

    Apartment AND roommate hunting while on a budget. One of life’s great lessons of acceptance. Wish me luck…

    3. Stephanie*

      Good luck! It can be frustrating. I think my breaking point during one search was when an agent showed me a basement apartment. Entryway was in the alley and it was your standard small, cramped, dark basement unit. I almost burst out laughing when the agent was like “And this patio under the stairs would be all yours!”

      I politely thanked her for her time, walked back to my car, and let out this exasperated laugh of frustration.

      1. Adam*

        In college I had a friend who once lived in like a 6×6 room that had crushed roach stains on the wall. My best friend and I went to visit her and she was trying to pull off the tough “This ain’t no big deal” persona. My best friend and I looked at each other and right away asked if she wanted to come live with us in a house with a bunch of our friends. The one room left wasn’t much bigger than her current one, but was like the Hyatt by comparison. She actually took some convincing but finally relented when I went “Dude, we’re not letting you stay here.” She never said it after she moved in, but I think it ended up being her favorite place to live during college.

        1. Stephanie*

          I had a friend who lived in a similarly bad place, but was completely oblivious to how terrible it was. It was a basement unit in a not-great neighborhood that only had one tiny window. And the ceilings were maybe 6’5″. And I’m pretty sure there was a drug stash house across the street.

          So a friend and I are over there and she’s gushing about how great the place is. We leave and are just silent for a block or so.

          Me: “So…Persephone’s apartment?”
          Friend: “That was the worst f*cking apartment I’ve ever seen in this city.

          1. fposte*

            A friend of mine lived in an apartment in Philadelphia that was the third floor-ish of a chopped up house. The landlord started doing work that left a 5’x5′ gap in the stair landing that you had to shimmy around to avoid plunging down to the basement; as far as I know he never closed it up. Then it turned out that the gas was rigged up so that the whole house’s gas bill went to her; when she refused to pay it, they cut off her gas (I don’t know how suddenly they figured out that it was just her unit if they couldn’t understand that for bills). The water heater was electric, she had a microwave, and the heat rose to the top floor pretty well, so she just shrugged and kept living there.

            The actual apartment wasn’t gross in itself, so I guess maybe that’s a little better?

      2. INTP*

        I hit my breaking point on roommates when I posted a craigslist add explicitly stating that I have respiratory issues and cannot live with a smoker of any kind, including an outdoor smoker, and the vast majority of replies I got included “One of us smokes but she smokes outside so it should be okay.” If you don’t understand why that’s not okay I really can’t trust you to fully understand what’s involved in living with a person with allergies so I couldn’t live with you even if the outdoor smoker WEREN’T a dealbreaker. (3rd hand smoke is enough to cause asthma in children, problems in people that already have asthma or allergies, etc.) After that experience tbh I feel like I can really only live with other people if I already know them well enough to trust that they understand the allergy situation, so I’ve been living in tiny apartments alone.

        1. JB (not in Houston)*

          WHY do people think they get to decide what’s ok for other people health-wise? Once I was talking to a woman that owns an allergy-friendly bakery about her ingredients and asked if her stuff had corn in it. She promised it did not, was all corn free. Then I asked if she was sure there wasn’t any corn starch in her powdered sugar, she said there was (at the time there weren’t many brands that used tapioca starch instead so I figured there would be), but it was such a small amount it wouldn’t be a problem for me. There may have been some very rude things said in my head toward her. Oh, I’m not going to disclose there’s this ingredient you are allergic to, even when you specifically ask, because I’ve decided it’s ok.

          I’m with you on the roommates thing, to. It took me a year to get my family members to understand that I cannot come to their house right after they vacuumed or dusted, so please they couldn’t invite me over and then start cleaning.

          1. INTP*

            Ugh. It’s so much worse because it was an allergy-friendly place! I basically don’t trust most restaurants whatsoever when it comes to telling me about their ingredients, people don’t know or care about little things like some flour in a sauce making it not gluten free or fish sauce = not vegetarian. But if they clearly cater to certain restrictions I expect them to be knowledgeable about those restrictions or at least knowledgeable enough to ask questions when they aren’t positive. It’s frightening that someone can market to people with allergies and then lie like that about ingredients. I wouldn’t trust that she isn’t giving celiacs foods that have been rolled out on a floured surface, etc.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              According to the FDA, “natural flavorings” can mean MILK. Just because there is an approved label on the food item does not mean the ingredients are accurate.

    5. Merry and Bright*

      Been, there done that so all my fingers are crossed for you. I hope this doesn’t say bad things about me but the day I could afford not to have a flat mate made me sing inside.

  7. Ann Furthermore*

    Booked a Hawaii vacation for October a few days ago for my hubby, me, and our 2 daughters. I was able to use frequent flyer miles for all 4 plane tickets. This is when all the work travel is a benefit!!

    It’s our 10th anniversary this year, and we thought about going to the UK. But we want to have 2 weeks to see/do everything on our list. That would mean leaving our 6 year old with my 73 year old mother in law for 2 weeks, which is a long time. She’s a handful and hard to keep up with. So we’ll do our UK vacation when she’s a little older.

      1. Ann Furthermore*

        Oahu, as of now. I found a really nice vacation condo rental right on the beach. I would be content to lie on the beach all day every day sipping margaritas and reading books, but my husband is not really a beach person. I find this to be weird and unnatural, but that’s another story. We have compromised by agreeing to have a beach day, followed by an activity day, and alternating all week. We’re staying at a place on the western side of Oahu, which seems to be less crowded and developed. So, we can see the Pearl Harbor memorial, which my hubby the history buff will be really into, and some other stuff too.

        1. JPixel*

          My husband and I spent part of our honeymoon on Oahu and loved it. He’s not much of a beach person, so we did exactly what you are planning – alternating relaxing days with more cultural days. Pearl Harbor was really interesting and moving. I highly recommend the contemporary art museum, which I believe is now called Spalding House. It has some beautiful gardens in addition to the art, and it feels very remote and peaceful. It’s a little hard to find but we took some scenic drives in the area, which made it all the more fun. You will have a great trip!

        2. Gene*

          Get up to the North Shore one day. Last time there we stayed right on Waikiki, so didn’t need a car (and parking was ~$30/day), so we did a one-day rent. If you pay attention in the water, you’ll likely see sea turtles; while swimming at Waikiki beach there was one swimming around among the thousands of people and I think that one kid and I were the only ones who noticed.

          Have fun!

    2. Artemesia*

      We did 8 days on the big island last year when I had a speech at the University. We spent 4 days on the Kona Coast and 4 days on the Volcano — great time. We particularly enjoyed the very odd Hawaiian cuisine. Loco Moco anyone? And half a dozen kinds of Spam on display at any supermarket (I had no idea there were varieties of Spam.)

    3. Olive K*

      ah, have a wonderful trip! we did that for my 40th – with miles too! My girls were 6 and 4 and we had such an amazing time. We went to Oahu, the Big Island and Kauai.

      1. Ann Furthermore*

        Well, it just seemed like we were meant to go. When I got onto the United website to check out flights, I found that there were FOUR seats available, on the flights there and back (and non-stop flights, no less), on the days we wanted to travel, at the super-saver points rate. I was shocked! I’ve checked for points travel many times, and those super-saver rates were never available. I’d actually started thinking those were some sort of frequent flyer urban legend.

        At the regular rate, I would have only had enough for my husband, me, and 6 year old. I felt bad that my stepdaughter (who will be 18 by October) wouldn’t get to go, but she’s going on a school trip to the Galapagos Islands this summer, so I figured she’d be OK with not going. But now she can!

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Oooo! I always wanted to go to Hawaii. Coworker just got back from a week there. It was her dream trip. She said it was everything she ever wanted it to be! :D

    5. Newsie*

      You will LOVE Hawaii. I basically started searching for a job in Honolulu the day I landed there.

      1. Windchime*

        I’ve been to Maui three times now, and every time I go, I start trying to figure out how I could just stay and never come home. I think that the reality of living on a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific is what finally snaps me out of it, but honestly–there is something magical about that place.

    6. C Average*

      Congratulations–this sounds fantastic. Everyone I’ve known who’s been there has had a wonderful time and couldn’t wait to go back. (I’ve never been, alas. Someday!)

  8. themmases*

    Does anyone have recommendations for knit/crochet projects they like to do in the spring and summer? And any other tips e.g. favorite place to buy supplies?

    I have been itching to make something all winter because I’m an epidemiology grad student and my whole life right now is screen time. But I put it off because I lacked funds and holiday gifts/books were more important. Now it’s spring and my fingers still itch! But everything I’ve saved on Ravelry is definitely for winter.

    I use and like KnitPicks for yarn but I’m wondering if there are any other good resources out there that I’ve missed. It’s much appreciated!

    1. LisaLee*

      LittleKnits is a good place to check out for yarn and stuff. Their regular selection isn’t amazing, but they do AWESOME closeouts on luxury/nicer yarns (like 60-75% off stuff like Cascade). The only downside is you have to snatch up anything you like pretty quick during these deals, since everything is limited quantities.

    2. Alston*

      How about a stuffed animal? There’s an awesome whale pattern, and another for an anatomically correct heart that are awesome.

      1. Blue_eyes*

        Yes! Search on ravelry for “amigurumi” + whatever animal you want to make. You can also find patterns for goofy things like a stuffed eggplant or other random stuff. I also like making baby items like booties or hats in warmer weather since they’re small and use cotton or acrylic yarn. You could also make something like leg warmers, or a shrug, or shawl that work for in-between weather.

        1. Nashira*

          Hansi Singh’s amigurumi patterns are amazeballs and such a pleasure to knit. Her book is well worth it.

    3. CheeryO*

      I usually cast on for a sweater in the summer so that there’s a small chance it’ll be done by fall/winter. Otherwise, stuffed animals are great – my favorite is the “huggable hedgehog” on Ravelry. It’s a fairly quick project, and a fun one since it involves that furry yarn, eyes and a nose, and felting. I’ve made four of them, and they all have their own personality.

      Another option (which is too selfless for me) would be to get a few Christmas gifts out of the way early, if you knit gifts.

    5. Nashira*

      In addition to amigurumi, I like working on lace shawls or sweaters in sock or lace weight yarn. I know fine yarns aren’t for everyone, but they don’t tend to make you as hot as heavier ones due to the difference in thermal mass. Plus lace is fun.

    6. ModernHypatia*

      I’m working on a double knit blanket – the squares come out to about 5x4ish inches when they’re done, so they don’t make my lap warm in the summer or anything like that.

      (I’m using the KnitPicks Palette for the yarn, and have done some of my own chart designs and usesd others from dishcloths. Dishcloths might also be fun for you – there are some great patterns, and cotton yarn is cool to knit.)

    7. themmases*

      Thanks everyone! I’ve only dipped my toe into making toys so that sounds like a really fun one to try. I’ve also been toying with the idea of starting an afghan now so it would be ready in the winter– especially if it is a patchwork one so I don’t actually have to sit under it…

      1. Windchime*

        I’m starting one right now that is called Hue Shift afghan. The pattern calls for Knit Picks yarn, but I am using Cascade Pacific in different colors instead. It’s a fun one; it’s done in squares that are about 5″ square, but you pick up and knit to connect them so there’s not a bunch of tedious seaming.

        1. themmases*

          Oooh, I have looked at that one before! I’m glad to know it’s a fun one, I will definitely consider it now.

  9. Calacademic*

    How many of you feel comfortable with the metric system (or at least parts of it)? Is there a generational difference?

    Me — I’m good with distances. I can look at some and guess 5mm, 10mm, 1 meter (granted, that one’s easy). Kilometers are a little harder and I’m so-so with temperature and not at all good at estimating weight. I’m at the very, very tail end of my 20s.

    1. Stephanie*

      Very comfortable, mostly because all my science classes were taught in it.

      I remember my study partner for a structures class was an exchange student from abroad. Our professor liked assigning problems in both metric and English units. My partner would get frustrated like “Wtf is a foot? A yard? A pound? There is no logic to these units!”

    3. Student*

      I’m comfortable with metric because I use it all the time. I use temperatures, sub-kilometer distances, masses, volumes, density, time in UTC, regularly at work, though, so I’m comfortable with all of those. I’m a scientist.

      Parts of metric I fail at still:
      Kilometers. I can never remember whether they are ~2x a mile or ~0.5x a mile in the moment. I always have to look it up. (Answer is 1 mile = 1.6 km, for the record).
      Car units, like km/hr speeds or km/L of gas, are just impractical to use in the US. So I never use them and get familiar with them.
      Pressure. All my gas pressure gauges are set to measure in torr. I have that conversion memorized, 1 bar = 750 torr, but I never work in the metric pressure units.
      Cooking units. I cannot relate a cup or tablespoon to a metric unit of any kind in my head. I’ve never done the cooking-by-weights that is common in Europe.

      I’m 30, since you’re scanning for generational issues.

      1. Calacademic*

        Re pressure: I use a Torr ~ mbar. I have no idea what the equivalent to a psi is in metric, never come across it…

        Also, English volumetric measurements are the worst ever. Liters baby, liters… :)

        1. Dynamic Beige*

          I just looked that up and it’s apparently kilopascals (learn something new every day) I’m going to have to look at my tires next time I go somewhere to see if there is a kPa rating on them, I’ve never really thought about it, always done this kind of thing in PSI.

      2. danr*

        Certain parts of metric are easy. Speed and distance… Once the speedometers became dual, it was easy. 50 mph = 80 kph. Temperature. 98 F = 37 C or thereabouts. Freezing is easy as is boiling. (and google is great). Medicine dosages for liquids are mostly in ml, so I just remember how much it is. The thing I find hard are centimeters. I just can’t think of rainfall in centimeters.

        For the generational reference I’m 65. :)=

    4. RFM*

      I’m in Europe and I have the opposite problem. Reading about miles, gallons and feet is very confusing – I keep having to calculate that 1 feet is about 30 centimeters so “hundreds of feet” isn’t as long as my instincts say it is. And do you actually have liquids sold by the gallon? How do you put that in a shopping bag?

        1. Dynamic Beige*

          We have 4l bags of milk (which is almost like a gallon) — but there are 3 bags O_o So do the math on that? Nope.

        2. Merry and Bright*

          Plus there are 8 pints in a gallon! The biggest milk cartons in supermarkets are usually 6 litres (the daily pint of milk being switched to a litre in the UK was a Big Story that still rumbles on!). When the UK was less metric it was mainly petrol that was sold by the gallon. But, yes, milk comes in jug-style cartons with handles though some shops also sell the older style cartons for smaller amounts.

          1. Merry and Bright*

            Also, for the red tape around selling fruit and veg by the pound in the UK, google the Metric Martyrs.

      2. Blue_eyes*

        Milk and sometimes juice are sold in gallon containers (with handles as Calacademic mentioned). Most soda is sold in 2 liter bottles though.

        1. RFM*

          Oh, that’s interesting. Most soda and juices are sold in 1.5l bottles, 1l if you’re unlucky.

        1. RFM*

          That’s what I do, but admittedly when I’m listening to an audio book and someone says something I don’t always calculate, just – well, guess.

      4. Jen RO*

        Also in Europe, and I have gotten used to miles and feet, but pounds and stones (are those UK only? do Americans use stones for weight too?) are so confusing. I also managed to remember my height and weight in imperial, so I can use myself as a comparison.

        On that note, I subscribe to a weight loss/gain subreddit and it’s so frustrating sometimes that I can’t really appreciate the effort of the people posting there! 300 pounds just means nothing to me, and I can’t be bothered googling everything…

        1. Jen RO*

          Oh, and gallons basically means nothing, and Fahrenheit is very foggy. I just know that 90F is very hot and 70-80C is just right.

    5. Artemesia*

      I am fair with distances but not temperatures. I know what it means for the outdoor temp to be 70 or 85 or 30 or -12 F — all of which happen routinely where I live — but have no ‘feeling’ for Celcius. I try to memorize a few temperature points before I travel to foreign climes, but it doesn’t seem to stick.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        We switched over to the metric system in Canada when I was in grade 4, that’s almost 4 decades ago. It’s kind of weird because it’s like I’ve assimilated the bits that are the most useful or something. I’m OK with lengths but I can still get inches/feet. Temperatures, if it’s under 10C or 25C or over, I get it. But when it’s 72F, for some reason I don’t think it’s 21C (between 55F and 80F is my Fahrenheit zone). Cooking? Still do cups/teaspoons, but understand how much is a liter probably because of cars.

        1. HR Generalist*

          Canadian in my early 20s. Everyone’s a little confused here. We do pounds for weight (kilograms are totally foreign to me), feet and inches for height (although it’s in centimetres on your driver’s license and I always have in my head that the average person is 1.5 m), Celcius for temperature (although I have family in Texas so I have no problem converting to Farenheit), kilometres/metres for distance (I have no idea how far a mile is).

          I understand litres thanks to pop (soda) bottles but in recipes I use cups/tsp/tbsp, although I can easily convert mL to cups without even thinking.

          To be honest – I couldn’t even tell you which is metric and which is imperial, I only know we use pieces of both. The main confusion (I think) is in metres/centimetres vs. feet/inches. Although everyone here is familiar with how large 30 cm or 1 m is, we always use feet/inches for height. For tools and machinery it’s always in inches. I can use mine interchangeably because I know what 1″ and 6″ looks like, but we often have arguments about perceived height (including high heels) as one of us will be doing it in inches and the other in centimetres.

      2. NBF*

        The temperatures that I know off the top of my head are:
        -40=-40
        32=0
        50=10
        16=61
        Anything else and I am lost

    6. NBF*

      I grew up in Canada, but live in the USA, so I’ve been forced to learn the way you guys do it which in my opinion makes absolutely no sense. Water freezes at 32? 1760 yards in a mile? 16 ounces in a pound? Who came up with these numbers??

      Luckily, I’m in a medical/scientific field, so at work we use centimetres, grams and celsius. I’ve mostly figured out miles when I’m driving but I just nod and smile when people tell me its going to be 70 degrees tomorrow.

      1. Anx*

        Celsius is great for water, but in my opinion Fahrenheit makes a lot of sense for people, at least as we relate to the atmosphere..

        In C, water freezes at 0 and boils at 100.

        In F, people ‘freeze’ at 0 and ‘boil’ at 100.

        1. Blue_eyes*

          Yes. I just read an article about this recently. If I can find it I’ll post it in a reply. Fahrenheit is much more useful for people in terms of telling the weather and understanding how a temperature will *feel*. Celsius is great for science.

        2. HR Generalist*

          People boil at 100 F?! This brings a whole new meaning to my summers spent in Texas (as a Northern Ontario, Canadian)..

      2. Calacademic*

        The apocryphal story I heard about Farenheit is that the zero point was a particular mixture of salt + water + ammonium chloride (i.e. brine). Why did he choose this? Maybe it was the coldest liquid he could get his hands on? And that Mrs. Farenheit must have had a fever the day he took her temperature…

        1. Anx*

          I think I remember something about setting zero to the coldest temperature he could get his lab to that day.

      4. Felicia*

        That must be hard! Especially because in Canada we’re not taught how to convert (it seems like in some parts of the US they are?). But really we would have no use in the imperial system. I too find the imperial system illogical, and isn’t the US the only country in the world that uses it? I feel like since every other county in the world uses metric, conversion couldn’t be that terrible .

    7. Sara*

      I’m not very skilled at estimating measurements (weight, distance, time, temperature, etc.) in either metric or US customary units. I am actually very good at math and comfortable doing calculations in metric and US units, but estimation has never been a strength of mine. I’m 28 and I learned metric when I moved outside the US to teach for a couple of years; I honestly can’t remember learning much about it in school.

    8. The IT Manager*

      I’m in the US, over 40, and not good at metric. I also bad with non-metric too though. I’m not a visual person (I’m textual) so any thing beyond a foot will be badly estimated anyway. Also bad with weights. I liked in Europe for a bit so I can translate normal air temps okay.

    9. Billy Oblivion*

      Units are units. I don’t mind converting between differnt systems. What bugs me is the expense of having to buy and store a set of tools specific to each system (ie, metric hex wrenches).

      I’m male, 56yo, BS via my university’s engineering college.

      1. Calacademic*

        Conversion isn’t so much the problem — I was more thinking about comfort/estimation in metric. Like, would it be more palatable for the US to switch to metric now than it was 40 years ago? While there will always be some pain in the conversion, if more people are familiar with metric units maybe this is something that could be readdressed.

        Agree about hating two sets of hex wrenches — and is this bolt metric or English? Cuz you’ll strip it if you get it wrong (nooooo, I’ve never done that #sarcasm)

        1. Felicia*

          I think that once metric has been in place long enough, you don’t need to teach conversion (especially since the US is the last non metric hold out). But I’m 25, and Canada has not taught conversion in my lifetime because it’s not necessary.

    10. Claire (Scotland)*

      I’m 39, and I only really understand metric. I’m in the UK, obviously. Miles I can do, but other distances, weights and temperatures etc. in Imperial are a mystery.

      My mum still doesn’t really get metric measurements at all.

    11. CheeryO*

      I’m pretty comfortable with metric after 6 years of engineering school. The only thing that drives me nuts is that my field can’t decide which system to use – I deal with flow rates quite a bit, and I still don’t have a good handle on the difference in scale between a cubic foot per second and a gallon per minute.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am picture a gallon milk jug. I bet it’s smaller than a cubic foot. (No milk jugs handy to measure.)

    12. TL -*

      I’m very comfortable with metric in the lab but in “real” life, it takes me a while to convert. (Especially temperature. Temperature is hard because I know what set points are in C, but don’t have a good feel for the range in between.)

      1. Dan*

        Temp is easy. Double the celcius and add 30. Great estimate for the range of temps that humans normally function at.

        If you know your set points, then one degree Celsius = 2 degrees Fahrenheit.

    13. the gold digger*

      I’m OK with it because I lived in Chile for two years and lived it. It took me a while to get used to kilometers, though – I kept trying to convert kilometers to miles in my head so I could calculate how long a bus trip would take.

      Another Peace Corps volunteer laughed when I told him what I was doing and said, “Just pretend the kilometers are miles and then calculate the time. A 50 km trip will take you an hour.”

      Which at first I did not believe but then I realized he was right. (And in Paraguay, it was more like, “Calculate how many meters there are and divide by 50 to get the hours.” Or at least it seemed like that – an overnight bus trip on a bus that had no a/c even though I had specifically paid more for a ticket on a line that claimed to have a/c, on which the drunken, toothless guy next to me kept falling asleep on my shoulder, and someone threw up in the seat behind me and the driver refused to do anything about it, saying that he was not the one who had thrown up so why should he clean it up?)

    14. V. Meadowsweet*

      I mostly cook in imperial, but if it’s in metric I’m good…except for the temperature. I’ve a sense of what 15C and 60F feel like, but I can’t tell you what either is in the other measurement. No idea for my height and weight in metric, but I’m fine measuring non-human things that way. And I’ll drive 5 miles at 80km/h.
      So kind of an all-over-the-place mess :)

    15. Felicia*

      100% comfortable because I’m Canadian and it was all I was ever taught. I’m 25. Even my parents are 100% comfortable with the metric system and they’re in their 50s, because it was that long ago. I think you’ll find any non Americans entirely comfortable with it :) The system that Americans use (imperial it’s called?) I know nothing about and it’s fairly meaningless to me. Especially with both distances and temperature I have no idea what you’re talking about if you’re saying miles, or farenheit.

      1. cardiganed librarian*

        I wonder if it’s because I’m a bit older than you (but only a bit!) or because my parents are older than yours, but I wouldn’t say that I’m 100% comfortable with it and I’m also Canadian. How tall am I? 5’1. I can say I’m around 155 cm because that’s what my driver’s license says, but ask anyone and they’ll tell you in feet and inches. Similarly, I know my weight in pounds, only roughly in kg, and I bet most people will tell you their weightloss goals in pounds. It’s still a bit jarring to me to see British and Australian people online actually use metric measurements for human height and weight.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t math, so nope. We were taught the metric system in middle school–I don’t know how well it stuck for anyone else, but me? Gone a week later. I know some rough approximations of Celsius temps, simply because I looked at the online converters so much. What’s that thing–Zero’s freezing; ten is not; twenty’s nice and thirty’s hot? Is that right?

      It took me forever to learn 24-hour time too–I forced myself to learn it so I could read train schedules before my holiday. I changed all the digital clocks on my computers, my phones, and in my car.

        1. Felicia*

          One thing i sort of know for US temperatures is that you think of them like grades – but then you have to have a grading system on 100%. So 80 is great, 65 is acceptable, under 50 you fail, and over 100 shouldn’t be possible . That’s what my mom said when we would go to Florida when i was a kid and I kept asking her what the weather meant

      2. cardiganed librarian*

        I have studied French for years, lived in Quebec for a while where they often use the 24-hour clock, and still, when I went to France, I found myself in a laundromat with a load of wet laundry and a cleaning lady mopping round my feet after closing time because I misread the closing time on the sign. My brain will never really work that way, I fear.

      3. Lindsay J*

        Yeah, we were taught it in elementry or middle school, and it really didn’t stick at all for me.

        I can’t do temps at all.

        Distances I am okay with because I ran track so I know what 100, 200, 400, and 800 meters are, and that 1600 meters is 4 times around the track and that’s about a mile. And I know because most rulers have both that a centimeter is a little less than 1/2 inch.

        Volume I can only do liters, and that’s because I know soda comes in a 2 liter bottle.

        24 hour time came easy to me because I learned it at work. I much prefer it to 12 hour time honestly.

    17. Steve G*

      I lived in Czech Rep for 3 years and the only part I really picked up on was temperature and ML but only in terms of ordering wine/beer………temperature was easy because you’d see it everyday and I started tying it to the weather……….10-12 degrees was April or October weather in NY…so like 50-55 F, it was usually in the mid 20s C during summer days, a heat wave was high 20s/low 30s (80s in F)

    18. RFWL*

      I’ve gotten better at it, although I still have a tough time with length. I like to use guideposts – like a 10K running race in the US is roughly 6 miles, a kilo is about 2 lbs and a half kilo is a lb – and work up and down from the rough guidepost to at least give me a clue. Same thing with temperatures. I’m an American working in the UK and I work for a company where I DO need to know dimensions and volumes in metric. I freaked out when taking the timed online math proficiency test pre-interview for the test because I had to find the volume of something in square meters when given centimeters. I don’t have to do it every day, but it definitely threw me!

    19. Dan*

      I learned metric as an engineer, so I got the basics. I travel abroad a lot now, so knowing metric is mandatory.

      When the tour guide says, “we will travel 500 km today” sometimes it’s fun to yell out “what the hell is a km? How many miles is that?” Just to see the looks on people’s faces.

    20. Merry and Bright*

      I am in my 40s and started school during the switchover from the old imperial system to the metric system. The result was that I learnt a bit of both and I am not fully conversant in either. Through work though, it has come about that I tend to measure in metric units but think in the old system. If I visit Europe (or rather Continental Europe, being in the UK), I have to think hard about distances and so on.

      Although the UK is much more metric now, for a long time there was a lot of resistance. Weather forecasts were given in Fahrenheit and Celsius (or Centigrade back then). If someone told us the temperature in C, we would do a quick bit of arithmetic to convert it back to F! Even now I understand the weather much better in F.

      Some years back I visited New York with my sister and it was great! I could visit another country and still know how far I was travelling and how fast, and I knew how warm it was!

      When I have been to other European countries though, there are some differences. For example, they will often sell drinks in centilitres whereas litres and millilitres are more usual here (though CLs do appear more now on imported drinks).

      1. Bea W*

        I found I very quickly picked up celcius temperature while staying in Russia when I was in high school. When I went back to Europe oh…20+ years later, I wasn’t so quick, but then I was not watching weather forecasts everyday or necessarily in a language I could understand so I didn’t have much experience relating the numbers to how it felt. By the end of that week in Russia though I felt very comfortable with temps in C, and could translate to my classmates pretty accurately what that meant in F. I think now in my 40s my brain is a bit slower to adapt.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        But UK still uses miles, and what the heck is a stone? 14 pounds? How am I supposed to weigh myself and do that math!?! (Disclaimer: I never weigh myself LOL)

        1. Merry and Bright*

          Yes, we still use miles. Although the UK is largely metric now it is still a mixture (hence my slightly muddled post, but I knew what I meant anyway)

          Yep, a stone is 14 pounds. I’m the opposite though so I have to do a quick sum if I read a person’s weight in pounds.

          Beer is still sold in pints (a hard fought battle). And milk can be sold in pints if the litre equivalent is listed first.

          I get confused and I live here :)

          1. Lindsay J*

            I think I’m going to start using stone to decribe my weight. 11 stone just sounds nicer to me. :)

    21. matcha123*

      I’m crap at it. Living abroad means I hear temps in Celsius, but it like, “Ugh. Is 16C warm or is it still cool? I know that 21C is kinda warm…I think…and 30C is really hot. One cm? uh..about yay long? Maybe??”

      In on of my high school science classes, our teacher was telling us that one day the US will switch to metric and we’d better learn it (the same stuff my mom heard when she was in school in the ’60s, it seems). And a kid in my class said, “The only people that use the metric system are doctors and drug dealers.”

      It’s true if you think about it. Drugs are always talked about in grams and kilograms.

      1. INTP*

        Haha. I lived abroad at one point and never really knew the temperature. However, I was on a tropical island so every single day, I knew it was going to be warm to hot. I knew that over 30 was miserably hot and under 30 was less miserably hot, and that was enough to choose my clothes for the day, LOL.

    22. Bea W*

      Comfortable enough, but then my job involves collecting data from around the world, and everyone else is on the metric system. I think weight is the easiest for me, but then I see a lot of height/weight data. Temperatures I’m iffy on, particularly above 20C. I’m in my 40s. We were not taught the metric system in school more than a quick glossing over. I am good with numbers and math so I think that is why I can be comfortable with it, since it does involve thinking in terms of numeric conversions.

      I work with people who grew up not in the US, and after being here for a long time and being so used to lbs and in, they say they even have trouble knowing what their height and weight would be in cm and kg.

    23. Elsajeni*

      I’m decently comfortable with metric measurements for weight and volume — weights I can only handle by roughly converting them into pounds (1 kilo = 2.2 pounds, most of the time I’m willing to settle for the rough estimate of 1 kilo = 2 pounds), and volume I just have a sense of from regular use (from medication dosing cups I know that 15 ml = 1 tablespoon, from water bottles I know that 500 ml = a little more than a pint, from soda bottles I know about how big 1 liter or 2 liters is, etc.). I have a little bit of a sense for Celsius temperatures, but only at the upper end of the outdoor-temperatures range — 20-25 is nice, 30-35 is hot — I know if it’s 8 C it’s chilly, but I have no real sense of how chilly.

      For length/area type measurements, I’m totally hopeless — but, as someone else said, I’m kind of hopeless with imperial length/area measurements as well, at least once you get above a yard or two. (I worked in a fabric store for a couple of years, which developed my small-scale sense of length — if you ask me for a length less than a yard, I can show you about how big with my hands — but did nothing for my ability to conceptualize bigger distances, and of course none of that had any impact on my sense of metric lengths. I know a yard is about 90 centimeters, so I can work from there to come up with conversions, but it’ll be slow and I still won’t have a great sense of how big we’re talking about when I’m done.)

  10. Gingerbread*

    Has anyone ever sold their house and bought another house during the process? My fiancé and I will be putting our house up for sale in a couple of weeks, but we want to buy another house before escrow closes. We’d like to use some of the money we receive from the sale of our house to put as a down payment on the new house. Is this difficult to do?

    1. Gingerbread*

      I should add, we want to be able to move into the new house before we have to move out of our current house. Both of our parents live hours away and staying at a hotel would be pricey and inconvenient with two dogs.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      If you’re buying the new place before you sell the old, you can’t use the money you expect to get from the sale of the old place toward the new; you can only use what you have on hand on the day of the purchase. Moreover, you may not be able to get approved for a mortgage on the new place without first selling the old one; even when they know you’re going to sell it, they consider that first mortgage as part of your debt ratio … and if their formula says that you can’t afford to carry both mortgages, they won’t approve you.

      If you talk to your lender or a mortgage broker about this, they’ll walk you through all your options. Sometimes you have to time the closings for the same day. Other times you can get a home equity line of credit on the place you’re selling, use that toward the new place, and then pay it off at closing on the second.

      (This all assumes you’re in the U.S.)

      1. The IT Manager*

        I bought a new house while the old was on the market, but I already had the down payment for the new one in savings (and I must have been approved for carrying two mortgages too). If you can’t do that contingency is a common way to go, but it means you could lose out on houses you like if your house is taking longer to sell.

        1. Girasol*

          Me too. You have to qualify for two mortgages and be prepared to pay them both monthly for as long as it takes. You also need to go back to the old place and keep it maintained or get someone to do it. (Don’t skip that part. A mown lawn helps sell the place, and after seeing a friend’s place with a burst water pipe that ran unnoticed for weeks, I learned how important watching over the old place can be!) That said, it’s not that bad. We closed on our dream house before someone else could snap it up. The extra payments and work on the old place for the next few months was worth it.

    3. Artemesia*

      We made our purchase of our second house contingent on the sale of our first house and then closed a day after the closing on the first house. In slow markets or with contractors with a big inventory that is often possible. No way I was going to be out there on two mortgages. You can’t spend the money till you have it and you don’t have it until the closing on your house. You can however arrange the moving date with the buyers. We actually let our seller live in our place for two months after we closed and he paid rent. We wanted to travel those two months and so it essentially dropped the sale price to us by the $5000 he paid for rent. He needed the money from the closing to close on his next place but it wasn’t going to be ready for him and it worked okay for us as we were renting having moved to a new city.

      2. catsAreCool*

        “We made our purchase of our second house contingent on the sale of our first house and then closed a day after the closing on the first house.” This is what I did too. It was several years ago, but the real estate agent thought this was pretty normal.

    4. Graciosa*

      It used to be possible to get something called a bridge loan to cover this type of situation. I don’t know if that’s still the case, but you might want to ask your banker or mortgage lender.

    5. Clever Name*

      We did this, but we borrowed the money for the down payment from my parents. My parents had to write a letter stating it was a gift (it really wasn’t, as we paid them back a month later, but it was to prove they wouldn’t cause a foreclosure) AND we had to qualify for the new loan on the assumption that we would be carrying both mortgages, so I wouldn’t recommend going this route unless you are very financially secure. We did it this way because the market is so crazy in our area. Houses were selling within days of being listed, so we wanted to be able to move fast and make an offer with no contingencies.

      1. Underwriter*

        Just FYI, if you had an FHA loan, keep that bit about how you didn’t realize use gift funds to yourself. There’s a reason the lender asks for an official gift funds letter and why it has all the required information on it, and–if this was for an FHA loan–you just admitted that you defrauded the federal government. And it’s why mortgage underwriters want documentation on everything–because so many people lie. “I’m not going to be honest about it, but lend me hundreds of thousands of dollars.” Oh, ok.

  11. Moonpie*

    I’m looking for a new perfume. I haven’t worn one for a long time but I’d like to find a signature scent. I like soft better than spicy, warm but not musky, nothing overly floral, I don’t want to smell like a fruit basket, and I don’t like scents that go on strong before they mellow out. I don’t mind it being a little pricey if necessary. Any suggestions?

    1. Sweetheart of the Rodeo*

      I go for florals so I don’t have a recommendation for you, but if you don’t know about it, SurrendertoChance.com is a great place to buy small samples to try. I’ve been able to discover and enjoy magnificent perfumes that I could never afford a full bottle of via sample vials. And for perfume blogs with reviews, I love Bois de Jasmin, Perfume Posse, and Now Smell This. There’s an amazing world of independent/artisan perfumes these days – very fun. And even some very good commercial/mainstream scents.

    2. fposte*

      The Perfumed Court is another place where you can try small vials.

      You used to be able to buy them on eBay, but there was a lot of fraud going on and they shut it down. This unfortunately means that I will probably never know the identify of one scent I really loved, which turned out not to be what it was labeled.

    3. Calla*

      have you looked at something like BPAL? My personal favorite is Marie (violet with a hint of rose), but since you said you don’t like overly floral… maybe something from the Steamworks collection, or something like O, Mag Mell, or Intrigue? best part is, you can order “imps” which are small samples for just a little bit before buying the full one :) you can also search by scents/notes OR the kinda vibe you’re wanting (“aquatic,” “electric,” “old west,” “cemetery” lol).

      1. Newsie*

        Seconding BPAL. I love them. Also love CB: I Hate Perfume, but that’s really for investment/finding a decanted sample and then buying a huge amount.

    4. Clever Name*

      I like Bill Blass perfume. Michael Kors is nice. I really like Coco Mademoiselle. It’s like a lighter and more youthful version of Chanel No 5 and less spicy

    5. AnnieNonymous*

      Try Max Mangiera Replica’s Beach Walk. The whole Replica line is really cool (the idea is about replicating moments and places, even though the name makes it sound like a designer knockoff). The coconutty softness is cut really well by a salt water accord.

    6. Ann Furthermore*

      My favorite scent is vanilla, and a couple years ago I ran across Dior Addict. I love it. Another nice vanilla fragrance is Casmir by Chopard, but it’s hard to find. I don’t think they sell it in stores in the US anymore, but you can still get it online.

      1. Neruda*

        I love vanilla too. I only wear Leu de Issey by Issey Miyake. I fell in love with and have no plans to change :-)

      1. Windchime*

        I like “Falling in Love” by Philosophy. I also like really vanilla-type scents; can’t stand the musky ones (they smell like bug spray to me).

      2. Moonpie*

        I will have to ask next time I’m at Sephora! Wish there was one closer to me. And thanks for the reminder about philosophy. I wore Amazing Grace for awhile and liked it but it wasn’t quite my forever scent. I’d like to try their other stuff though. I dearly loved Lancome’s Miracle So Magic but I only ever had a sample bottle and I don’t think they make that version anymore.

    10. Miss Kitty Fantastico*

      I wear Tocca’s Colette. It’s not too pricey and it’s very soft, especially after a couple hours of wear. I’m pretty sensitive to strong florals and love love love Colette. I was looking for a “scent” and brought home tons of samples from Sephora and finally found this!

  12. work ptsd*

    From Alison: I appreciate this post, but I’m going to ask you to leave it on the work-related open thread next Friday. Thank you!

  13. RFM*

    I’ve started a four-to-five days a week exercise regimen a couple weeks ago and I’m happy to say it’s going well! However, I don’t have more than one t-shirts and two blouses/sweaters in the size I’m currently in and I’m not sure whether or not to buy more clothes now, or wait a couple of weeks and see if I can get them in a smaller size. On the one hand, I feel limited by my lack of clothing and I feel uncomfortable going to events in the same clothing or in inappropriate clothing. On the other hand, there’s just three events to go to this month.

    What do you guys think?

      1. RFM*

        Not many second hand stores/charity shops nearby and they usually sell trinkets and furniture and books and stuff, but I’ll make a couple calls, see if any carry clothing. Thanks!

    2. Stephanie*

      I’d buy for the size you are now. You don’t know how your body will change as you progress in your workout.

    3. Artemesia*

      With events I’d plan to buy an outfit or two and keep it in the back of the closet later or donate it. If you can find one at a consignment or thrift shop great — otherwise go to a cheap place like H&M and get separates that will tide you over. If you go very basic and perhaps dress it up with an over piece that is not fitted and hence might be used when you are thinner, all the better.

      I just tried on the outfit I wore to my daughter’s wedding 10 years ago as I have a suitable event for it. I knew I had packed on a few pounds but yowza! couldn’t even button the jacket. I don’t feel THAT much bigger but this jacket doesn’t lie (not even going to the skirt) So I will be joining you at the gym.

      1. fposte*

        Heh. I’m still working off the post-surgery weight, and the worst to test are jackets and pants. They announce so early in the donning process that it’s not going to happen.

        1. Artemesia*

          My husband is busy losing weight — he did the big weight loss 25 years ago and has kept trim ever since — until recently a bit has crept back on. So I am gaining and he is losing and I fear I will pass him in weight if I don’t get a grip. I keep reading these articles about how a little extra weight as you age is actually healthy but I think it is time to end this wishful thinking. I don’t mind being big — I am still in the ‘normal BMI’ range — but there is no denying I have crossed the line. Now — how to trim back about 10 pounds without any suffering whatsoever and I have a sweet tooth.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            The sweet tooth thing is bad, but my weakness is crackers. I LOVE THEM. I’ve been trying to cut that back and eat stuff like Rye-Krisp instead of saltines. And less of it.

            Now that it’s warm, I can walk outside a lot more, which I find much preferable to going to the gym. The track is around and above the basketball court and the noise drives me crazy. Also, assuming my knee gets better soon and I can actually walk, I’ll drop several pounds in London quickly because I’ll be hoofing it everywhere.

    4. RFM*

      Some extra info – over the past five months, I’ve gained 55 pounds from new meds. I’m quitting the meds (though they were the first ones that worked, which sucks) and exercising to get back to my normal body.

    5. INTP*

      In that situation I’m a fan of buying a couple of go-to cheap items that fit well at my current size (say, from Old Navy – I personally despise thrift stores and secondhand shops but ymmv). It gives you something to feel confident in – it’s motivating to enjoy your new body with confidence – but you aren’t wasting a ton of money. You can also look for items that will still work if they’re a little looser, like a t-shirt that works fitted or baggy or a dress that you can belt.

      1. Artemesia*

        My daughter has done really well at the local thrift store even found things she could wear for dress or at work and she dressed her toddler very well from there. She has bought lots of things that look new and some that still have tags on them. Before that in another city she used a consignment shop with nice things to buy special items. Got a Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress she wore often for a fraction of its original cost which she could never have afforded. I am a hopeless shopper and have never tried it myself. I order several lands ends turtles for winter and banana republic fitted cotton Ts for summer to pair with my jeans or cords and call it a day.

        1. INTP*

          I think some people have great luck in secondhand stores. I like shopping but I need petite sizes in pants, skirts, and dresses, which I rarely find in secondhand stores, and I am just not into clothes enough to buy a bunch of used items and have them hemmed and altered when I could just buy petites at Old Navy for the same price. (Because cheap clothing is now constructed so cheaply, only the pricier brands are really worth buying at secondhand stores.)

    6. the gold digger*

      I feel uncomfortable going to events in the same clothing

      Do you think anyone will really notice? I have been wearing the same clothes to work every week for months now. If anyone has noticed, they haven’t said anything. And even if they did say something, I would not care. I have decided that I am not going to spend money on clothes this year. (Except underwear.)(And pantyhose.)

      1. RFWL*

        I figure if the guys at work can do it with their little uniform of blue shirt and black trousers and no one notices, then damnit I can do it too with my little uniform of black trousers, button up and cardigan or whatever. Guys don’t notice much and unless you have some snarky women in your office, most others won’t either.

        That being said, it can be confidence building to have a new outfit and feel comfortable and proud wearing it. What about buying one or two new things each month as you lose the weight (like a dress and pants)? Or set a budget and get what you desperately need within that amount that can also work with what you currently have, so that over time your wardrobe overall becomes smaller.

      2. RFM*

        Well, I organise two of these events and the same people are going to be there, including a woman who often compliments my clothing/hair. I worry that they’ll think I don’t think enough about how I present myself or something.

        1. Artemesia*

          Get a basic black base and then use a different fancy overtop, scarf or jewelry to vary it. Focus on your hair — being well put together and well groomed really does work.

          1. HR Generalist*

            +1
            In this case I’d buy a black wrap or sheath dress (try Old Navy, J Crew, somewhere for less than $100). Wear it on its own once, then add cardigan, scarf, statement necklace, tights, boots, etc. to change it up each following time.

      3. INTP*

        I would notice but I really don’t care. I’d only think it’s odd if someone regularly wore the same outfits multiple times per week – and even then, I wouldn’t care per se, just notice that it was a little different and figure they probably have valid reasons for not buying new clothes.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Is there someone that will loan you something for the events?

      I lost a lot of weight and I just bought every other size. I would pick out clothes that would look okay if they were a little loose. My thought here would be to buy a couple things in your current size that would either look okay a little loose, or could be easily taken in. Some of my “bigger” clothes got relegated to “house clothes”. For a while, I had some nice clothes to wear at home.

      People have mentioned thrift stores, I might have missed it- but also consider consignment stores. You can buy and sell your stuff.

      1. RFM*

        I’ll ask my best friend (who is larger than me) if she has anything in my size, or just a bit too loose. Thank you for the idea!

  14. Gene*

    This should be A Thing. I have a local Korean grocery that makes incredible kimchi and a craft distillery that makes great vodka. While gettng ready to pour out the kimchi juice after finishing off the Napa, I said to myself, “Self, this could tasty.”

    Better than a Bloody Mary and definitely more healthful.

    I’m going to the distillery today, they’ve released a honey vodka I want to taste.

    1. Former Diet Coke Addict*

      It already is a thing in some places. Kimchi cocktails are quite good, and it’s basically the same idea as a Bloody Caesar, which even already contains hot sauce.

      If you blend the kimchi liquid with a little ice to thicken it up it makes a nice summer drink. Goes well with pickled onions.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I make my own kimchi and there’s always juice leftover in the jar. My boyfriend mixes it with all kinds of deliciousness (mostly tequila).

    3. The Office Admin*

      Honey vodka?
      Tell me more. Good? Good alone? Possible mixers?
      I prefer wine at home, but have a hard time getting wine at sports bars, so I tend to just freeze and blurt out: “Vodka soda lime” but…I don’t like vodka as much as I like wine.

      1. Gene*

        Tasty! I bought a bottle. Not overly sweet like the honey-flavored whiskeys I’ve tried. It’s vodka with honey flavor, not vodka-flavored honey.

        I haven’t figured out what to do with it, other than sipping. Don’t want to overpower the flavor.

    4. Ann Furthermore*

      I finally tried kimchi a few months ago when I went to a Korean restaurant in LA. It was not for me, but at least I can now say I’ve tried it.

  15. littlemoose*

    Any recommendations for a comfortable dress heel, around 3″? My dress pants are all of a length to accommodate shoes that height, and I don’t really know that I would feel as professional in flats (this is just me personally, I’ve seen other ladies pull it off but for some reason I don’t think I can). I bought a pair of Rockports from Zappos recently that the reviews said were comfortable, but I wore them for two solid weeks on a business trip and I think those people are liars. I almost always wear flats and casual clothes at my regular office, so I realize the problem may just be that I’m unaccustomed to heels in general. But if anyone has suggestions, they would be welcome. I’m just looking for a basic black closed-toe heel.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I have a cute pair of blue suede heels from Easy Spirit, of all places. Pretty comfortable, though I have foot issues that make wearing heels for any length of time close to impossible. Try Easy Spirit or Aerosoles.

    3. OfficePrincess*

      I have/had a pair of Naturalizer pumps that I wore into the ground over the course of 5 years. It doesn’t look like that exact style is still available, but they have some other options that would probably be just as comfortable.

    4. C Average*

      If you have narrow feet, try Cole Haans. I cannot personally attest to their wonderfulness (I have wide feet), but when my company owned Cole Haan, all my teacher friends used to ask me to use my discount to help them buy Cole Haans because they considered them the best comfortable but attractive all-day shoe.

      1. Marcela*

        My husband loves his Cole Haan. He actually bought 4 pairs of the exact same shoes, afraid they were going to discontinue them. And they are not cheap.

    5. Blue_eyes*

      I have a pair of Sofft brand black pumps that are pretty comfortable. I am not a heels wearer generally, but I can wear these for a while before they hurt, and someone used to wearing heels would probably find them rather comfortable.

    6. Awful Waffle*

      Dolce Vita and Ivanka Trump are good brands to try. I believe you can buy both brands at Nordstrom (Yay for free shipping and returns too!).

      2. HR Generalist*

        I wear the Karmen as well, I just got a new pair of Karmen and my first pair of Janine on sale for $20 each this Easter! Payless all the way.

    9. Jaune Desprez*

      You might also look for a shoe with a slightly platformed sole, which would allow you to wear a lower heel height and still get a 3-inch lift.

    10. ilovemintchocolate*

      I sold shoes for a few years, up until last year, and I completely echo the Cole Haan suggestion. That brand is, hands down, the best combination of comfortable, fashion-forward, and professional. The following styles embody each of those three qualities:

      1. http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/cole-haan-air-tali-wedge/3611212?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=Blazer+Blue+Patent&resultback=1451
      These are only 1 1/2 inches in height, and the open toe/patent combination may not be appropriate for your office. However, as a casual shoe, these are some of the most comfortable things you can put on your feet. I wish I could accurately describe how amazing they are, seriously (sorry for sounding like a paid ad).

      2. http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/cole-haan-bethany-leather-pump-women/4053488?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=1303
      This is a 3 1/2 inch heel (and it’s on sale!)

      3. http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/cole-haan-juiliana-75-pumps?ID=1898543&CategoryID=56243#fn=sp%3D1%26spc%3D52%26ruleId%3D%26slotId%3D32
      Here’s a 3 inch heel in a classic silhouette.

      Good luck!!

    11. the gold digger*

      I really like Ferragamos. I get mine on eBay – I am not paying $500 for a pair of Italian leather shoes, but I want Italian leather shoes. Their sizes run pretty true and they are quite comfortable for heels.

      1. Julia*

        Ferragamos are wonderful and I’ve had some for ten years. Not worn daily, and kept on shoe trees, cream shoe polish and heels/tips as needed. Worth the money.

    12. Bea W*

      Does it have to be 3″? If you are unaccustomed to heals, that’s quite a leap. What about trying a slightly lower heal?

      I can’t imagine 3″ being comfortable for long periods of time under any circumstances, and like you I wear flats mostly. If you are not used to wearing heals or you have feet that are just cranky in heels for long periods, it doesn’t matter what the reviewers say about comfort, you will be uncomfortable, because your feet are going “WTH???!!!” Also make sure you have the correct size. I’ve actually known people who thought they had the right size and width for their feet, and then were measured at a store to find out they needed to go a size bigger, and doing that magically solved the discomfort issues. We may not be growing anymore, but foot structure and width can change as we age and as our bodies change.

      1. Marcela*

        +1 about correct size. When I moved to the US I checked the tables to convert between the european sizing system (which name is misleading because it’s the same system we use in Chile) and the US size. A couple of years later, I realized all my American shoes were really uncomfortable and painful. I’ve moved an entire number up, problem solved. I’m very annoyed because all that money spent in shoes I can’t wear, though.

  16. Cruciatus*

    I’m disappointed in Fitbit! They recently changed how active minutes work and now you have to move for 10 minutes before they will register the minutes. I’ve always gotten my minutes in dribs and drabs throughout the day, especially on work days. Now I leave work with 0 minutes and it’s very discouraging! I know I’m still doing good for my body, but I’d really like the Fitbit to register that, as it once did. I think all effort should matter! For whatever reasons, not everyone can move for 10 minutes at a time. I complained on Facebook and whoever is in charge of that sent me to the features community. If anyone else is interested in making their opinion known on this, you can google “Fitbit Feature Requests” and it should be the first site: Fitbit community. I’m not sure if it’s the best way to complain, but people have already made the complaints and you can vote up the item and comment. There were 2 that I saw that are gaining votes against the change. I really hope they rethink this!

      1. Cruciatus*

        Below is directly from their website. Sounds like they want to be in line with the CDC guidelines. If you want to read more just type “Fitbit CDC” and it comes up (“What are active minutes?”)
        “All Fitbit trackers calculate active minutes using metabolic equivalents (METs). METs help measure the energy expenditure used by various activities, and they do so in a comparable way among persons of different weights; therefore, METs are widely used as indicators for exercise intensity. For example, a MET of 1 indicates a body at rest. Fitbit trackers estimate your MET value in any given minute by calculating the intensity of your activity.

        You earn active minutes for activities at or above 3 METs. To stay in line with the Center for Disease Control’s (CDC’s) “10 minutes at a time is fine” concept, minutes are only awarded after 10 minutes of continuous moderate-to-intense activity.”

    2. OfficePrincess*

      Everything makes sense now! I noticed I hadn’t been registering active minutes as much lately. I’m working back from a knee injury so everything I do is in small bursts. Here I was beating myself up thinking I need to move more and it was FitBit changing the rules on me. Not cool, guys.

      1. GH in SoCAl*

        I noticed that it retroactively changed all my records — I suddenly had MORE active minutes on some days (because they lowered the bar for what counts as active), fewer on others. I don;t like it either and I think it would be great if they made it a feature to allow the user to choose “old style” or “CDC style” metrics. I will chime in on the site Cruciatus mentioned.

    3. INTP*

      Yeah, they should allow a break of 1-2 minutes within the 10 minutes IMO. If I’m out for a walk and I have to stop for a streetlight every few blocks, then I can take an hour walk and have no active minutes to show for it.

      I think the intention was good, I just find that there are bits and pieces of non-active minutes here and there in all my activity where I’m not walking fast enough or had to stop for a light or took a water break mid-workout. 8 minutes out of 10 as active or something should count.

    2. C Average*

      I laughed my head off at the email one. Thank you! (Game of Thrones is a complete source of bewilderment and boredom to me, so I skipped that one. The husband loves it. I just don’t get it.)

    4. Ann Furthermore*

      The email one is hilarious, as is the conference call. I’ve watched them both several times.

    5. Windchime*

      The Seth Meyers skit was hilarious! Thanks for sharing that. I’ve watched it a couple of times and it just makes me giggle.

  18. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Women’s health issues ahead! Gentlemen (and ladies, for that matter) of the squeamish variety, you’ve been warned.

    I found out a few days ago that the source of my constant mild discomfort (not pain, thank goodness) is a pretty sizeable fibroid. It’s not big enough or causing enough issues to warrant removal at this stage (the pain from the procedures would be much worse than my current symptoms), but I’m curious if anyone has managed to remedy fibroid pain and discomfort without getting them removed. I’ve heard exercise is a big help, and I know I need to do more of that, but anything else?

    1. Headachey*

      Jaymee Marty, an accomplished master’s marathoner, wrote extensively and frankly about her struggles with fibroids on her blog (runawayfastjaymee.blogspot.com). She has several posts covering all the treatments she tried, and her struggles with anemia due to hemorrhaging each month. She ultimately had two ablations in order to resume training and racing.

      My own mother and several aunts had endometriosis and fibroids bad enough to warrant hysterectomies, but it sounds like you’re nowhere near that level of severity – hoping you never are!

      Good luck!

    2. Tau*

      I’m currently dealing with a fibroid, but am having enough side effects that removal seems to be the best option (among others: it’s the reason I’ve been moderately to severely anemic since November) so can’t help all that much.

      What I have heard from doctors is that there is medication that makes them shrink, but you shouldn’t take that for longer than three months at a time, and that they really don’t go away on their own (and have a tendency to come back after they’ve been removed, to boot). I hadn’t heard about exercise helping, but I suppose it’s not much of an option for me since anemia has really done a number on my physical fitness.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Ugh, I’m so sorry! Living with this kind of discomfort sucks, but I know I’m lucky (at this point, anyway). You don’t have to answer this question, but which type of removal are you opting for?

        The shrinking medication… Is that the temporary menopause thing my doctor mentioned? He said we would opt for that if I decide to try to get pregnant, and it just sounds risky to me. I’m past peak fertility and still ambivalent about children, so that’s an option I probably won’t exercise.

        1. Tau*

          From my understanding, the procedure they’re suggesting is hysteroscopic resection – which sounds as if it has a relatively low chance of complications and short recovery time, since no actual incisions are made. I might end up going private and apparently the hospital in my hometown has some very good equipment for this!

          Re: shrinking medication, my doctor mentioned two options: one the temporary menopause (which he did not recommend for me) and another that he said you should only take for a maximum of three months without a break because after that it starts damaging your liver (eek!) His suggestion is taking the latter for the three months before the removal in order to shrink the fibroid as far as possible beforehand.

          Good luck with everything! I hope you find a treatment option you’re happy with – the constant discomfort you mention sounds quite unpleasant.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Hmm, I don’t know. My gallbladder surgeon told me he checked all my innards and the only thing he found was a small uterine fibroid but it was nothing to worry about. I wonder, however, if it had anything to do with making cramps worse? Like if you didn’t have one, would they hurt as much? I had one last month at the very end that made me wonder if I were going to have kittens. It felt exactly like I’ve heard my mum friends describe labor pains!

    4. matcha123*

      I’d been told by doctors to take aspirin or other painkillers a week before I think my . would start. I ignored that for a long time, and about five years ago the pain got bad enough that I started following their advice.
      I found that when I upped my exercise, the pain wasn’t as long or severe, but even with exercise and medicine it was probably worse than the average person.

      I actually had surgery last year. While the pain had lessened, the fibroids got larger and I had a large bump in my stomach that got larger certain times of the month.
      So, exercise can lessen the pain, but continue to get the size checked!

    5. Wait for the change*

      How far are you from menopause? I was told I could do the ablation, or just wait. Reduced estrogen after menopause apparently makes them shrink, or at least not grow. So I waited. Took a little longer than I had hoped, but it’s fine now.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I’m 36– with my family history, I’m about 10-15 years pre-menopause. Watchful waiting for the time being, see if this sucker decides to grow or stay put.

    6. Risa*

      I had a fibroid and had to have surgery.

      Mine was outside my uterus. I did not experience the bleeding symptoms, so when I had pain/discomfort I attributed them to things like bad gas and bladder infections. I finally went to the doctor when I was double over in pain and couldn’t walk. My fibroid had grown to 4 lbs. (or about the size of a fetus at 7 months). It was impinging on my internal organs, spine and was approaching my heart. I had no choice but to have surgery. The choice was whether to go on Lupron to shrink the fibroid to a more manageable size or go straight to surgery. I opted to go straight to surgery. It was the second largest my doctor had seen in his 30+ year career. I was 30 years old at the time.

      I was not able to have laparoscopic surgery. I ended up with an incision similar to that of a C-Section. Recovery time and impact was similar to that of a C-Section. I was out of work for 8 weeks. I believe the laparoscopic surgery would have a shorter recovery time.

      While I’m not really answering your question, my point is don’t wait too long to address surgically if you need to. It can have a significant impact on your recovery time and the type of surgery you can have to remedy the problem. I wish I had gone to the doctor much earlier rather than making excuses for my pain and discomfort.

  19. C Average*

    I’ve decided to sign up to volunteer for the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign.

    I was a big Hillary supporter during the 2008 election after seeing her speak locally. She came across as very intelligent and prepared with regard to local, national, and world issues–the Q&A from the audience was all over the map, and she gave really thorough, interesting responses. I tend to agree with her on most political issues. And–I’ll admit it–I’m just plain excited about the idea of a plausible female presidential candidate!

    I’ve always wanted to volunteer for a political campaign in some capacity, but I’ve always been way too busy. I did a bit of work for Obama’s second campaign, but didn’t really have the bandwidth to do much.

    I love politics. Always have. My parents have always been political–they were super liberal when I was little but have drifted right as they’ve gotten older–and my birthday often fell on election day, which somehow made it all seem even more interesting. I remember my mom bringing cupcakes with little American flags stuck in them to my first-grade class the day Reagan got elected to his first term, and Obama won his first presidential election on my 35th birthday. Best birthday ever! I got to dance in the streets and drink champagne with a bunch of strangers in northeast Portland.

    1. Cath in Canada*

      Awesome! I’m a big fan of hers too.

      I volunteered at our municipal elections last time around – I was the party’s rep on site at one of the polling stations, making sure everything was going as it should and feeding back info on turnout numbers to HQ. It was really fun, and our (OMGSOAWESOME) mayor won re-election. I decided I’d volunteer for the next one, on the actual campaign as well as on the day, but it ended up clashing with my PMP studies, so I didn’t. I’m thinking about it for the next federal election later this year, even though our local MP is from the party I support and is almost 100% guaranteed to win his seat again (he has one of the biggest majorities in the country and is an outstanding representative). I think it would still be really interesting though, and maybe they can find a way for me to help with a more closely contested seat too.

    2. Jillociraptor*

      Awesome! Campaigning is such a blast. Have you ever worked on a local campaign? A whole different kind of fun.

      1. the gold digger*

        Working on a campaign might be fun, but I do not recommend being married to a candidate. :)

        (Although Primo tells me that at least he is giving me material for my blog, which he wants me to rename, “The Politician’s Wife.” I have refused, informing him that I do not derive my identity from him.)

    3. Florida*

      Another one who loves politics. That’s one thing that’s fun about Florida. All of the politicians make multiple visits here because we are the largest swing state (plus they want to go to Disney World!). It will be very exciting this year down here because we have Jeb and Rubio both from Florida. I’m not voting for either of them, but everyone is going to be fighting like crazy for the Florida vote. (For the record, I think the electoral system sucks. Popular vote makes more sense.)

      I, too, am a fan of Hilary. I can’t think of any presidential candidate we’ve ever had who is more qualified. I’m speaking purely of qualifications, not ideology. Most candidates have 4-8 years in Congress or as a 1-2 terms as governor of their state. That’s their government experience before they become president! She has been First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State. How many candidates have that on their resume?

      1. BRR*

        When I lived in Ohio I felt like my vote was so important. I’ve since moved to another state and no longer feel democracy works haha.

        And I agree about the electoral system. Aren’t we above the rationale of it?

    4. S*

      I work in politics! My new job is taking a step back from it because burn-out is indeed a thing, but I still love keeping up with the news and I also plan on volunteering on the Clinton campaign, just to keep myself involved somehow.

    5. mm-or*

      I’ll be volunteering for Hillary. I voted for her in the primary the last time and was so disappointed that she didn’t win. I later volunteered for Obama but my heart remained with Hillary.

  20. Madeye*

    Has anyone learned to play the piano as an adult? How hard/easy was it to pick up?I have never played an instrument, but would love to learn.

    1. Headachey*

      Yes! When I shared a house in my twenties, a housemate bought a piano and I decided to learn. I’d played the violin in school so could read music – treble clef, at least. I bought some beginning piano books and practiced a lot. My housemate would help me out if I got stuck, but mostly I learned on my own. By the time I moved out, I could play the first movement of the Moonlight Sonata.

      I’d say with a lot of practice and a bit of innate musicality, it’s definitely possible to learn as an adult. Having easy & regular access to a piano helps, too, so you can practice whenever the mood takes you.

      Oh, I’ll also recommend Noah Adams’ book Piano Lessons, in which he decides to learn to play the piano at 52.

    2. nep*

      While I did have a few piano lessons at age 20 or so, I can’t really address that particularly. But I’ve learned and continue to learn other instruments. Other readers more expert in music could contribute more here, but I’d say that regardless of age and experience, what counts is how much time and commitment one gives to the process. And practice, practice, practice. No substitute for motivation and practice.

    3. Billy Oblivion*

      I tried taking piano lessons a few years ago[1], and it pains me to admit it, but I had difficulty finding the time to practice, compounded by a lack of discipline in forcing myself to practice during what little time I could find. I ended up giving up.

      But that’s just me. I was like 52yo, with a wife and two kids at home, and a full-time job, and not a lot of privacy (and I despise headphones / earbuds). I have it on good authority that yes, it is indeed possible for adults to learn. It’s really going to depend on you and what you put into it.

      I’d definitely say: go for it. I mean, at least try.

      [1] my background is guitar and I know enough theory that I can noodle on a keyboard and I can do stuff on my home music rig, but I was hoping to learn to “play piano” in the conventional sense.

      1. Madeye*

        I would buy a keyboard if I started to take lessons, how different is it from practicing on a piano?
        I have literally never played an instrument, would be starting from zero.

        1. Florida*

          Be sure you buy a keyboard that is the same size as a real piano. On some keyboards, the keys are smaller and they don’t have all of the keys. Get a full size one.

          The feel of a keyboard is a little different than a keyboard, but I don’t think it matters that much. Sure, if you were planning to become a concert pianist, you would need to practice on a real piano. But for a fun hobby, I don’t think it matters.

          1. Calacademic*

            Also, a keyboard often has an electronic plug, so you can buy a nice pair of headphones and only you will have to hear you practice. I agree with Florida that you need to get a full size piano/keyboard. If you want to spend extra money, you can get ones that are calibrated to have the right key weight. But those can be almost or more pricey than a plain-jane acoustic piano. Spend some time shopping on Craigslist to see what used models you can pick up.

            Can you read music? That’s the place to start. Try to find pieces of music that you recognize, so you can use your ears to help teach you. Church music is especially great for this because a lot of it is written for beginning musicians but it will still be a tune you recognize (and not twinkle twinkle little star).

            2. EmilyG*

              I got a brand new Yamaha digital piano with weighted keys a few years ago, delivered and set up, for $1200. I think they can definitely be cheaper than acoustic ones! You probably don’t want to spend money on an acoustic piano that is in bad shape, needs repairs, regular tuning, etc.

        2. Billy Oblivion*

          If I were you, I’d buy a relatively cheap electronic keyboard with full-sized keys and a minimum 5 octave range (61 keys). It won’t have the same “feel” as a real piano, but given your circumstances, I think that will be okay to start. If you really find yourself warming to it, then you may want to invest in a real piano or something with more of a piano-like action. (I’ve discussed this with many piano players and keyboardists over the years, and the general consensus is that starting with a non-piano action isn’t going to ruin you for life)(although if you’re filthy rich, feel free to go out and buy a Bosendorfer).

          If you don’t want to always be using headphones, make sure the keyboard has a built-in amplifier and speaker. Or else be ready to buy a small amplifier to plug it into.

          If possible, try to test out the keyboard before you buy it. You may need to bring a pair of headphones to the store to hear it well over any retail store background noises. The point is: make sure you like the way it sounds. The piano is a surprisingly subtle instrument and it’s taken several decades for electronic pianos to reach their current level of fidelity. But there is no single “piano sound”. But the point is that you’re going to be hearing this sound A LOT. So make sure you like it. Onboard effects like reverb can often improve the sound quite a lot.

          You may or may not care if the keyboard supports MIDI, which is beyond the scope of this post, but if you think you might be interested in hooking your keyboard up to a computer or iPad or iPhone to record your keystrokes, or to control one of the many inexpensive iOS synthesizer apps, you’ll want to have MIDI out.

          I know they catch a lot of grief, but Guitar Center is a fairly good place to go to listen to a variety of keyboards. The trick is to hit them at a time when they aren’t packed with teen shredders in the guitar section. Music gear has become quite commoditized, so (while you should definitely do some pricing research), GC’s in-store and website costs tend to be very much in line with what you’d find on Amazon or at Sam Ash or Musician’s Friend or Sweetwater, etc. it pains me to say this, but avoid your local “piano store” that specializes in high school band instruments and selling pianos that look like furniture – these are the people who will try to smooth talk you into dropping a couple of thousand dollars.

          I hope this helps!

          1. Madeye*

            It does, thank you! I think buying one of these to practice with for now should work, I mostly want to learn for fun so I don’t want to buy anything too expensive, since I don’t even know if I will be any good at it at all!

            1. ® ® ® ® ® ® ®*

              For the record – you may wish to start with something like one of these:

              http://www.amazon.com/Yamaha-YPT-240-Premium-Keyboard-Headphones/dp/B00F07YC4S/

              http://www.amazon.com/Casio-CTK2400-PPK-Portable-Headphones/dp/B00JZEW4XS/

              Which (as I post this) are $130, and they both appear to have built-in speakers.

              Also, when I say “start”, I mean: go listen to them at the store and see if you like they way they sound and feel. You may (or may not) decide to move up a bit on price to find a sound that you truly like. It is admittedly something of a tightrope walk in that you don’t want to cheap-out and buy something that turns you off to the concept of learning to play – but you also don’t want to spend megabucks on something awesome when you might decide after 4 weeks of lessons that this is simply not working out for you.

              Having said that, I bought my daughter one of these:

              http://www.amazon.com/Casio-PX5S-88-Key-Privia-Digital/dp/B00BISVO0I/

              for her to practice on while she’s at college and it’s mostly been money wasted because it’s one of the most sophisticated pieces of electronic equipment in the family and it will do unbelievable things – but she never uses anything but the basic Piano voice.

              (In the meantime, I’m trying to figure out how to sneak one of these into the house. It’s probably going to involve a trip to that jewelry store that has the little pale blue boxes).

        3. nep*

          If you want to take piano lessons, I say go for it — without feeding thoughts about why you ‘shouldn’t’ or about any downside or handicap. It’s all about the process and the learning, right? That experience in itself is so enriching. Very worthwhile, seems to me. In my view learning an instrument, like reading, enriches one’s life in a lot of wonderful and perhaps unexpected ways.

    4. Liane*

      I am so glad you asked this. Several years ago, I promised myself & my choir director that once my kids graduate high school I am going to take keyboard/piano lessons from her–and that will be in just over a year. She doesn’t seem to think I will have any trouble picking it up.

      I have always wanted to learn to play organ, but never had a chance to take lessons. I can read treble clef from choir & woodwinds. I can also read–a little & very slowly bass clef–since I used to play the larger handbells. (Alas, now bells larger than middle C cause me wrist problems.)

    5. EmilyG*

      Oooh, a question I can address! I took up piano a few years ago in my mid-30s, when I moved out of NYC and finally had room (and time and money). I take lessons because I want to learn proper fingering and form. I played violin as a kid so I already knew how to read music (treble clef anyway) and probably manage to practice about 20 minutes per day on average. Which is to say that I usually practice half an hour at a time, sometimes more, and then not at all while traveling, on holidays, etc. I got a full size digital piano with weighted keys and don’t notice much of a difference when I switch to a real piano during my lesson; I can use headphones but I usually don’t anymore except when practicing really tedious things like scales or the same measure over and over. The neighbors in my apt. building say they can’t hear it so I don’t use the headphones anymore when practicing my pieces. I’ve gotten as far as learning a Mozart sonata and the easiest Beethoven sonata so far, but I don’t think I’m naturally particularly musical and my teacher wants me to learn things the right way, methodically, so I go pretty slowly. Check out the Piano Forums > Adult Beginners group if you want to find *lots* of fellow travelers. (I only lurk there.) It’s fun, do it!

      1. EmilyG*

        Also, a book recommendation: “Play It Again: An Amateur Against the Impossible” in which the 50-something author vows to learn the Chopin Ballade #1 in a single year.

        1. Madeye*

          Thank you! Just the inspiration I need. I suspect I’m not particularly musical but I would like to at least try to learn, since I really want to. Also, I have the time to learn right now.

  21. Ali*

    Fashionistas of AAM, help me be prettier!

    Without getting too much into work stuff, I want to say that working at home for almost five years has left me schlubby, and I’m tired of it. I wear pretty plain clothes most of the time, like jeans/capris and t-shirts/hoodies (weather dependent, though jeans for right now), and my makeup routine itself leaves a bit to be desired. I generally only wear foundation and blush and don’t make a whole lot more effort than that before going anywhere. But now that I’m trying to gain more confidence and be healthier, I want to use it as a time to come out of my fashion shell.

    I know there are a few things that definitely won’t work for me. I don’t have the body type for a pencil skirt or shorts, for example, so I don’t really want to go out and buy them. However, I know I could have a better makeup routine and wear stuff even just out to dinner that isn’t so blah and basic. Not saying I want to dress like I’m going to a 5-star restaurant all the time, especially since my area is mostly made up of chains and fast food/pizza places, but I would just like to feel better when I go out and not like I’m still sitting around the house working.

    So, where can I start? I’ve been in NYC all week, and it’s been a great place to start stocking up on skirts, dresses and some patterned flats. I’m also considering trying to branch out where I shop because I spend a lot of money at Old Navy, and they can have nice things, but they are mostly casual, so that’s how I got around to owning so many jeans and t-shirts in the first place.

    I have not really been into fashion before, but I’m making friends with a girl who enjoys getting herself put together and talks about how much fun she has, and she’s encouraging me to join her. Hearing about how much fun she has and the fact that she’s not making it sound like something that *must* be done is making me think oh I’ll give this a try too!

    1. fposte*

      I think you’ll get lots of response on this one! On clothing, I would say that casual/formal is often less important than getting a proper fit (in other words, getting things altered) and being put together–which is usually going to involve that “third piece,” as commenter MaryMary says, or careful choice of accessories such as belts, shoes, and jewelry. So, assuming they fit, an Old Navy t-shirt over Old Navy pants turn into something else when you throw on a light casual jacket altered to fit you well, an inexpensive statement-type necklace, and some well-polished shoes you really like.

      I also really like the way you’re thinking about experimenting as fun. It’s kind of wild as an adult when you realize you could actually dress any way you want, and that the way you dress currently isn’t a requirement.

      1. LAMM*

        This is the rule of thumb I picked up working in clothing stores. 3 items (top + bottom + layering piece) plus an accessory or two.

        They layering piece doesn’t even have to be a cardigan or a jacket. In the summer my go to outfit is a pair of jeans (I don’t wear shorts), a fitted (solid color, often neutral) tank, and then a more interesting tank on top of that… patterns, more colorful, etc. Then I throw on a statement piece (necklace, bracelet, ring, etc) to top it off. I’m a fan of one BIG piece, but the jewelry can be simple too.

        I keep it less expensive by making sure my main wardrobe in very basic… lots of black, white, gray, neutrals. Then I change up my ‘outer top’ to match the season. That way I’m only adding a few new pieces each time.

    2. thisisit*

      you could try a personal shopper? often times they are free in department stores.

      as for makeup – i actually went to the mall one and day walked around the makeup counters until i found someone whose makeup i liked, and then asked her for a makeover and suggestions.

      1. Ali*

        Personal shoppers aren’t much of a “thing” where I live. We have department stores, but I’m in a smaller city (less than 100K population). They don’t really offer that service.

    3. StarHopper*

      I have found some great dresses and skirts over the years are places like Marshall’s and TJ Maxx. Basic cardigans I get at Target or Old Navy. And I would add scarves to the list of accessories that dress up a tee thirt and jeans. But pants, man. They are the devil. And I have plain given up on shorts. If anyone knows of a decent place to get pants and jeans for women with actual hips and thighs, I would like to know. Preferably that don’t cost more than $60. I am not plus size, but I cannot wear all this slim fit stuff that’s out there.

    4. Jillociraptor*

      I’m excited to read the responses on this because I’ve been on the same journey the last couple of months! Here are a couple of things I’ve enjoyed doing.

      First, my hair salon just added make up lessons to their service. I got an hour long consultation where the stylist helped me figure out what colors look best on me, and how to build a basic look for casual, work, and evening/fancy/fun. It was about $40, and they weren’t pushy at all about getting me to buy their products. It was SUPER fun. I know a lot of people who have taught themselves make up with YouTube videos and stuff like that, but it just wasn’t the way I learn best.

      Second, I did some reading on capsule wardrobes. This series from Putting Me Together (http://www.puttingmetogether.com/p/wardrobe-from-scratch-series.html) was the one that made the most sense to me but there are TONS of these guides everywhere if this one isn’t right for you. It guides you through picking a color palette and picking out which items to buy to create a mix and match wardrobe. I chose a palette I already had a lot of clothes in, and just used their guides to figure out what was missing. I ended up spending maybe $200 (including lots at Old Navy, as a fellow enthusiast!) and it totally remade my wardrobe.

      Finally, I found this app called Stylebook, where you take pictures of your clothes and arrange them into outfits. Now, when I wake up, I can just page through some of the outfits I’ve put together (Cher Horowitz style) and pick something fun.

      For me the biggest block was that I just had no idea what I was doing. I picked make up, clothes, everything just based on how much I liked each individual product/item. I just needed someone to literally tell me what to do, and once they did, I’m in a much better place! And I’m starting to get the idea myself. I can definitely imagine being able to expand all these skills myself, but for now I’m really glad to be able to delegate this to someone/someapp else :)

      1. Mimmy*

        What you describe is EXACTLY what I need!! Where’s that salon….I’m moving there! :P j/k.

        While we were dating, my now-husband gifted me with a one-hour make-up lesson. It was very helpful, but they tried to push a couple hundred dollars worth of make-up products on me. We were able to avoid buying anything…oh man how embarrassing! Plus, I lost the personalized color guide the woman gave me…oops.

        I’ll definitely check out the sites you mentioned. I’m just really clueless about what colors look good on me, and, generally how clothes are supposed to look and what goes together well. I’m slowly learning bit by bit. I just never bothered to read fashion magazines when I was younger–I wasn’t interested, and the print was too small anyway.

        1. Jillociraptor*

          Yes – check out that site. They do walk you through how to pick out what colors are best for you and how to pull those into a palette. It’s really helpful and helped get me out of my black and gray rut!

    5. JPixel*

      I hit up Marshall’s and TJ Maxx for cute tops. I dont have much patience for digging through the racks and trying on pants (ugh to pants shopping in general) but I usually have good luck finding shirts.

      Also, a fun scarf or necklace can dress up a simple outfit such as a plain top and jeans. I’m not usually a fan of forever 21 or H&M for clothes but I’ve done well with accessories there for cheap!

      I also feel more dressed up by throwing on a casual blazer.

      Lastly, a $10 manicure always makes me feel more put-together.

    6. Blue_eyes*

      This is kind of goofy – but try watching some episodes of “What Not to Wear” (They used be on Netflix, but don’t seem to be anymore. If you are in the US and have cable there are re-runs on TLC a lot I think). What’s great about the show is that they take average people and help them find a style that works for them, and their body. You can find things that fit and look flattering no matter who you are. They may also give you some ideas of ways to pair items that you wouldn’t have thought of otherwise.

      2. Jen RO*

        And ‘How Do I Look”!

        I love those shows and I really did start dressing a little better after watching them for a few years!

    7. Olive K*

      any interest in StitchFix? I know it’s been mentioned on here before, but it’s a great way to get introduced to things you might not have tried on your own. I got a box yesterday and they really sent me some great stuff. As in a dip-died kimono, asymmetrical zip sweatshirt and graphic print dress. Each piece is definitely in my comfort zone, but more polished than my usual versions of things.

      In general they are hit or miss for me, but I usually get at least one piece per shipemnt that I love, and slowly am elevating my look (if left to my own devices, I drift into jeans/t-shirt/sweater/boots all winter and dress/sweater/flip flops all summer).

      1. Ali*

        I am worried StitchFix might not have my size in stuff. They do go up to XL, but I’m afraid some of it won’t fit me! (I’m plus sized and obviously trying to change that, but I’m kind of in between sizes.)

        1. Delyssia*

          Have you heard of/looked at Gwynnie Bee? They’re like Netflix for clothes: you pay a monthly fee, for which you can have up to a certain number of articles of clothing at home at a time. Shipping is free both ways, and if you like a given item, you can opt to buy it at a discount and just keep it. They offer sizes 10 & up.

          I’ve done this for a while now, and I like the variety and being able to try out stuff that pushes my limits a bit. There have been a number of items that I liked the look of, but I was pretty well convinced they wouldn’t actually suit me, but then I’ve LOVED them when I got them.

      2. Sara*

        Glad to hear a review of StitchFix. I’ve been thinking of signing up for a service like that in a couple months. Like the OP, I tend to stay very firmly entrenched in my clothing comfort zone and I feel like a selection service like that might be the push I need to start looking at new things.

      3. CAA*

        I signed up with them last month and just got the shipping notice for my first box yesterday. I’m looking forward to seeing what they send me.

      4. LAI*

        StitchFix sent me some great pieces. I ended up not scheduling regular shipments because some of the items are a bit more expensive than I usually like to spend, but it’s nice to do occasionally for inspiration and to get some nice things that I wouldn’t think to buy for myself (also, I don’t live near any malls so shopping is hard!)

        I used Pinterest to give the StitchFix folks some ideas of my style preferences. Pinterest is great just for browsing and getting an idea of what you like.

    8. Yoshi*

      Try reading fashion blogs? I really like cap hill style (and I’ve heard it recommended on AAM many times), but if that’s not your style, just keep an eye out. Extra Petite is great as well, and its good inspiration even if you the petite clothing/tips doesn’t work for you.

      My other recommendation would be to put some time into doing your hair. For me, even styling my hair a little bit (drying it atleast halfway, using some product) goes a long way to making me feel a lot more put together.

    9. Mints*

      Oh, it is fun! A couple general things: make up and hair get easier over time. At first it’ll take forever and then you’ll feel like an expert at your basic routine, and will be able to experiment more. Also it’s been my experience that hair is easiest when it’s pretty long or pretty short, for every day styling.

      Cheap accessories all the way. Claire’s and Target have great jewelry, it’s just a little shopping effort.

      Also Tumblr has great fashion blogs, but they tend to the fashion forward side. I like the What Not To Wear suggestion a lot for real life examples.

    10. Cristina in England*

      I’ve done something similar recently. I used to do t-shirts and jeans all the time, but jeans (and pants/trousers in general) are just not right for my body type. I now wear jersey dresses almost all of the time. They feel like wearing a tshirt and are so much more flattering to the thighs. I live in a cold climate so I can get away with dresses, boots, and leggings for almost the entire year. I have a couple of black cardigans with pockets for my phone, and that’s pretty much my uniform. In the summer I wear jersey dresses with cotton spandex exercise shorts underneath, and flat sandals.

      Generally, I’ve found the following advice to be useful: If you’re bottom-heavy, wear bigger, brighter, looser, wider tops, and something plain and fitted (but not tight) on the bottom. I used to think that I should wear big a-line skirts with patterns on them, but for a hippy person like me, that just makes me look unbalanced. The central premise of dressing to flatter your figure is to achieve balance. Google ‘ Trinny and Susannah body shape’ if you want to check out more about different body shapes.

      1. Clever Name*

        I assume the shorts are to avoid chafing. I’ve discovered that wearing men’s boxer briefs prevents chafing and prickly heat.

    11. matcha123*

      I think that extrapetite has a lot of great fashionable, work-friendly outfits on her site. I read it a lot, and while I doubt I can ever dress as well as she can, it does give me some ideas.
      I had the same issue as you a number of years ago, and still do. My first suggestion would be to do a lot of window shopping and see what type of style you would be comfortable with. Then, look through the clothes you have to see if pairing them with something else would “bring them up” a bit. Then, I would look for plain tops and bottoms in blacks, greys or other colors.

      I recommend Zara. There’s no Zara in my home state, and it’s only somewhat available throughout the US, but if you’ll be in NYC for a while, they probably have a store there. They have great sales here in Japan, and I’d bet the same in the US. As an example, I’ve got a jacket that was originally priced for about $90 for about $19!
      Uniqlo, which has a store in SoHo, I think, is also great for basics like cardigans.

      Get undershirts! I wish I’d know about this in middle and high school, but undershirts are great for everything and not hot at all! I’ve always had problems with button-up shirts showing my bra and other things, but with an undershirt, no worries. Uniqlo has warm ones called HeatTech for the winter and cooling ones called SaraFine for the summer. I have a ton of them.

      Finally, don’t be shy about trying on clothes. I used to get nervous about trying things on and not buying them for various reasons. But, it’s OK. Try on the shirt, the pants, etc. Take a picture with your cell phone and see what works for you! Buy things in sale so you don’t feel bad if you end up not liking it :)

    12. Sunflower*

      Determine your body type and find a celeb with a similar one. Check out what they wear- focus more on the fit, not the actual item.
      I think accessories are good spot to start if you want to dress up your current wardrobe. You’d be shocked at how much putting on a statement necklace with a plan tee and jeans will dress your outfit up. J.Crew has beautiful- yet expensive- pieces. Since you’re in NYC, Necessary Clothing and Forever 21(I personally like the one on 34th st.) has some cheap jewelry that you can start with- at least if you end up not liking it, you didn’t shell out a ton for the stuff. They have cheap, trendy clothing as well. Some of the stuff is clearly only meant for modelesque body types but they have stuff for everyone!

      I think a lot of finding your style is trial and error. I love flowy, free people type clothes and it took me a while to realize that stuff really doesn’t work for my body. It’s way more important to find what looks good on you than buy what’s trendy.

    13. Clever Name*

      I think the two most important things you can do to up your fashion game is to wear clothing that fits impeccably (you’ll have to be a picky shopper and get things tailored) and pay attention to your shoes. Don’t wear tennis shoes anywhere but the gym. Even the most fashion forward outfit magically transforms to dowdy when worn with bright white sneakers. Even switching to a tennis shoe-like shoe like sketchers or converse is a step up.

      If you’re wearing tees with graphics on them, start buying solid color tees. Accessorize with a necklace. Delicate pendant necklaces are “in” now, as opposed to huge statement necklaces that were all the rage a few years ago. If you’re wearing solid color tees, look for tops with a bit of embellishment. There are some lovely printed blouses out there now too.

      For casual wear, straight leg styles of jeans are trendier than bootcuts. Skinny jeans are still in, as far as I can tell. I made a similar transformation, and it helped me to take baby steps. I didn’t go from jeans and tee shirts to skinny jeans and flows tops overnight.

      I also only buy clothing that I love. I have too see myself in the fitting room and think, “I love it!” It saves on returns and avoids the too much clothing but nothing to wear phenomenon.

    14. themmases*

      So I’m late but I hope this helps– I deliberately overhauled my wardrobe about a year ago, and have been really happy with the results. The first thing that helped me was following a couple of style blogs and generally looking wherever I could for inspiration. I’m even signed up for a few stores’ email lists that I rarely buy from, I just get the emails so I can look at the pictures. I really like the blog Already Pretty which has a great archive, and as a bonus she has tons of collaborators and posts links frequently, so if her advice doesn’t work for you you shouldn’t have a problem finding someone else you like through that blog. For a while I just followed these blogs, trying out any advice I could act on for free, saving outfit pictures I liked, and thinking about how I wanted to look.

      I’m a grad student and I like mixing colors/prints and don’t care about experimenting with silhouette. So almost all my outfits are: boots, pointed flats, or Oxfords; skinny or straight pants; some combination of v-neck t-shirt, v-neck pullover, sleeveless button-down, cardigan; fun scarf. Sometimes a blazer. I get a lot of variety out of this actually.

      Around the next season change I pulled *everything* out of my closet and didn’t put it back in unless it fit me well, was in good condition, and looked right in a couple of different outfits I wanted to wear soon. I was also losing weight, so I saved stuff that was nice but too small and got rid of everything that was nice but too big. I made a shopping list of stuff I wanted to upgrade and new stuff I wanted to make my chosen look work.

      From there I just started actually clicking the links in my email from time to time. It was quick and easy because I knew what I wanted, and I ended up not even needing everything on my list. Most things in my closet go with most other things and I have fun getting dressed because I only have to mix and match colors. Also it saves me money. There’s no urgency to replace stuff that wears out because I have other versions that work. And if I want to try a trendy color or something I get it in a scarf or t-shirt for really cheap, and only invest in a sweater or blouse in that color if I find myself wishing I could wear the t-shirt all the time.

      For hair and makeup, I believe you really only need a couple of go-to techniques that look great on you. Many style bloggers will make or link to tutorials for slightly fancier versions of, say, classic hair buns. Once you find a version that works, do it as much as you want without guilt!

  22. Gene*

    I’ve dropped about half the weight I regained after relaxing too much on carb intake. Another couple of months and I’ll be back to where I was.

    BTW, have you guys seen a recent photo of Penn Jillette? Wow! We now weigh about the same, but he looks great and I still look fat; amazing what a foot of height will do…

      1. Gene*

        I essentially went zero carbs for a couple of weeks, now being careful about them. An occasional small serving of ice cream of I’m in the mood, but mostly fresh vegetables and fruits. And today, some vodka (see above). No pasta, that’s my kryptonite.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              Yep. I did this and it so worked. Three sizes in two weeks. Check it out- I only lost 4 pounds. Yep. Three sizes, four pounds. It was so worth it. When I was 17 I wore a size 24. In those days, everyone was skinny. I felt conspicuous. It took me all the way up to age 34 to get those last sizes off. And they fell off. I was checking the floor around me to see where it went.

              The only disappoint I had was that I wanted to be a size 8 and weigh less than 150 pounds. I don’t know- I felt I should be 115. I like the number. However, I did not want to go below a size 8 so I had to let go of the number thing.

            3. Gene*

              And variations of this recipe is what I usually eat for lunch almost every day when I’m finished with the zero carb.

              http://twolumps.net/d/20120208.html

              I’ve stopped with the bacon wrap, if I want bacon in them, I’ll cook some up and mix in with everything else. And the stuffing bit is usually skipped too, though the batch I made today is stuffed with olives stuffed with jalapeno and garlic.

  23. MJ (Aotearoa/New Zealand)*

    So, a few weeks ago I asked for ideas of things to do in California when hubby and I head over later this year — thank you so much to everyone who responded, we have a ton of ideas now!

    Today I’m wondering if y’all can explain your strange and magical ways to me in the form of sales tax and tipping.

    Tax is included in the price in everything here. Price on label = price I pay at counter. But I get the impression that lots of stuff in the US has the before-tax price? Is everyone just exceptionally good at maths, or is there a trick to quickly working out how much I’m actually going to pay?

    And tipping. We don’t tip in NZ (apart from occasionally a loose-change jar at the counter) so I’m a complete newbie. Do I tip on pre-tax or post-tax? What do I tip for not-good-but-not-terrible, average, good, great service? I know I tip at dine-in restaurants, but should I be tipping anywhere else and are the rates the same?

    I’m aware that I’m probably well overthinking this, sorry. But I really don’t want to be that tourist who commits a bunch of faux pas.

    1. BRR*

      Prices you see the vast majority of the time are pre-tax. So that $0.99 bottle of water will be ~$1.07 (I just realized I have no idea what tax is). I tend to just pay it. Also with hotels there are often other taxes beyond sales tax.

      Tipping, you’re going to get a wide variety of opinions. I think for dine-in restaurants 15%-20% post tax depending on the service. Sometimes a little more if the server was spectacular. You should search for tips for cab drivers, tour guides, bell hops, and bartenders. Possibly more but I’m sleepy at the moment.

      Enjoy your trip!

      1. Blue_eyes*

        I’ve always read that you tip on restaurant service on the pre-tax amount. But now I can’t think of exactly where I heard that.

        2. BRR*

          As TL said it usually doesn’t make a huge difference. I try to round up because it’s not that much but when a server looks at it percentage wise it can make their day and they have to put up with a lot.

      3. Kat*

        That would be around 7% tax on that bottle of water. Maybe 8%.

        If I know what the local tax rate is, I do some quick and dirty estimations. 3.00 will be 3.21 (7 cents per dollar or at 8% it’ll be 3.24….8 cents per dollar.)

        Our local tax rate is 7% but a nearby town is 8.5% (round UP when it has a .5 so you arent guessing under).

        There are tax calculators online and probably even an app.
        For tips I double the tax amount, then add another dollar or two. It depends on the service.

    2. Jillociraptor*

      Hope you have a fun trip!

      Taxes: The pricetag is pre-tax, and tax varies by product and locale. I live in California, and there is both sales tax and sometimes other taxes and fees included (there’s a bottle tax for example, if you buy anything in plastic bottles). I don’t even try to estimate, I just round up. Not helpful, sorry!

      Tips are way easier. You tip on the pre-tax amount, and 15% is basically the bare minimum that’s appropriate. 20% is typical for good service. I usually take the pre-tax amount, move the decimal one place left, and then double the amount (aka find 10% and double it), then round it up or down to the closest dollar amount based on quality of service. Other than dine-in restaurants, some counter restaurants, especially coffee shops, have a tip jar, and for those, it’s nice but definitely not expected that you’ll tip. Also any food delivery–the delivery person should get a tip, and ideally cash so they’ll actually get the money.

      1. Calacademic*

        I do exactly what Jillociraptor does — unless I decide to get lazy and just do the calculation on my phone. Tips are pre-tax.

        Are you worrying about tax because you’re not a US citizen (obviously) and thus shouldn’t have to pay it? I don’t think that will fly at all (and I’m not sure if it is true or not). Most cashiers are minimum wage employees and won’t have the authority to deal with a request to forgo paying tax.

        1. Blue_eyes*

          I read it as MJ worrying about not having enough money for a purchase because they hadn’t thought about the extra cost of the tax.

            1. danr*

              Don’t give the cashier money until you see the cost rung up. You never know when there might be discounts. Also, everything is not taxed. Around here (nj) fresh food in a store and clothing is not taxed. Gasoline is not separately taxed in NJ, but may be elsewhere. Only Oregon and New Jersey don’t allow self service gasoline pumps. Everywhere else has self service. Full service costs more unless you’re handicapped.

            2. mm-or*

              Depends on where you are in the US. I live in Portland, Oregon and we don’t have sales tax. If you hand the cashier a $20 bill for a $19.99 purchase you will get a penny back. But we are one of only about five states without a sales tax.

    3. fposte*

      Sales tax varies, because it’s not set nationally–it’s set by state and even municipality. So it varies from 9.25% in Chicago to 0% in five states. It should be itemized separately on all receipts. Tip on pre-tax.

    4. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      Tax: No, you just wait until it’s rung up to know what it’s actually going to cost. It varies by a lot from state to state and city to city (both in what is taxed and how much that tax is).

      Tipping:

      At restaurants, tip on the pre-tax total. Tip on the full amount – if you got any discounts, tip as though you hadn’t had any discounts. 20% is pretty standard; your tip should range from 15-20% (or more, if you feel like it, but you’re not obligated). You should tip every time, unless a server was really, truly terrible (e.g. rude, racist, etc.)

      There are lots of other places tourists will end up tipping, so rather than write it all out I’ll give you this link (scroll down to the bottom for a super useful table): http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/04/everything-dont-know-tipping.html

      That link leaves out housekeepers at hotels. Please tip your housekeepers! They earn very low wages and do hard work that is mostly invisible, so even though they do more for the average hotel tenant than a valet does, they rarely receive as many tips. It’s also racial and gendered: the valets are likely white men, while the cleaners are likely women of color.

      1. Blue_eyes*

        Agree about the housekeepers. I always leave $5-10 per night that we stayed for the housekeepers. Ever since I read Nickel and Dimed I always think about how hard hotel cleaners have it.

        1. The IT Manager*

          You do need to do it every night/day because the cleaner on your last day may not be the one who did the rest of your stay.

          1. Blue_eyes*

            That’s a good point. I usually just leave it at the end of my trip, but you’re totally right. Hmm. Wonder if it gets you better service during your stay too, sort of like tipping your bartender after the first drink…

    5. INTP*

      Sales tax varies by municipality so I don’t even bother trying to figure out how much I’m going to have to pay in total, exactly. If I’m shopping with cash I figure about 10% extra but it’s very rarely that high. Sometimes foods are taxed and sometimes not, and usually drinks that come in bottles or cans have an extra tax on them (which you can earn back by taking them to a recycling center but that’s a huge hassle compared to just recycling them).

      For tipping, adequate but not great service = 15%, exceptional service is 25%, and anything in between can be tipped accordingly. However, I tip more than that if I order a really cheap meal (like if I have a grilled cheese and water, I might tip closer to 33%, because it’s not the server’s fault I didn’t have a burger and beer – I would not tip less than $1 for table service). The tip jars on counters at Starbucks etc are entirely optional. Also, in CA servers are making minimum wage so you don’t have to worry that they’re making $2.50/hour aside from your tips like in some states – however, we still tip like the rest of the country.

        1. fposte*

          And in six more states, apparently: Alaska, Minnesota, Montana, Nevada, Oregon, Washington.

      2. The IT Manager*

        I’m single and eat a good bit of less than $20.00 meals. I still tip at least $4 and usually $5 because wait staffing is hard work.

      1. Risa*

        Not in California – the local sale taxes in most of the big cities/major metro areas are now all approaching 10% as standard. My hometown of 47K people near San Francisco is 9%.

        You can find the tax rated for the county/municipality that you are visiting in CA here:
        http://www.boe.ca.gov/cgi-bin/rates.cgi

    7. thisisit*

      to be honest, you can tip on post-tax if you’d like, but most people don’t. i do, if only because i figure it’s only a buck or two difference, and they could probably use it more.
      i say this only because the post-tax amount is usually what shows in the biggest print and is the amount on the credit card slip (where you’ll write the tip amount in the next line, and then write the total amount below). so if you are in a hurry, you can glance at the most prominent number and add 20% and feel good about being generous. :)

      if the service is not suiting you, do speak up prior to the end of the meal. it’ll make you feel better about the tip you have to leave (because ideally the service will improve).

      also, leaving tips in cash is nice, even if you are paying by credit card. if you do that, then you just write the total in the total line as the same amount as the bill, and leave the cash on the table (ie, don’t put a zero in the tip line).

      and if it didn’t come up in the prior thread – the US doesn’t do chip-and-pin, so all your transactions paid by credit card will print a slip that requires a signature (they’ll take the card away, run it through the machine, and then bring it back with the slip, in the case of a restaurant; at the till in the case of a shop). some places forego the signature if the amount is below a certain threshold.

      hotel tipping in the US is like everywhere else – tip the bellhop, valet, and housekeeper (the latter in an envelope with “housekeeper” written on it, or directly to him/her).

      1. fposte*

        For the housekeeper, it’s also fine just to leave the cash in the room in a fairly obvious location that doesn’t look like you dropped it and forgot it.

        1. thisisit*

          I’ve done that, and it wasn’t taken. In some hotels, they won’t take anything that isn’t specifically addressed to them. Of course, when you are checking out, it’s a bit more obvious. So my comment really only applies if you are leaving a tip every night.

    8. danr*

      For tipping, find out what the sales tax is and multiply to get to around 20 percent. Our sales tax is 7 percent, so our usual tip is 21 percent. Extra good service gets a few (or more) dollars more. Since the usual minimum wage for restaurant workers is way below the usual minimum, the tip is supposed to bring the worker up to at least minimum. While the restaurant is supposed to make up the difference, it can be a losing proposition for the worker.

    9. Billy Oblivion*

      My understanding is that adding tax at purchase is a kind of ‘sales technique’ that has simply become standard practice. $19.99 sounds cheaper than $21.64.

      (and $19.99 also sounds cheaper than $20.00 – and American gasoline tends to cost something like 2 dollars and 47.9 cents, instead of $2.48)

      (and at some stores, the prices will end with .95 or .96 or .97 or .98 or .99, which can be used as a memory aid for sales people in determining whether or not the item is new, or being closed out, etc).

      Just so you know: the question of “how to tip properly” drives everyone mad.

      There are indeed tricks you can use. For instance, sales tax tends to be something like 8-9%. Which is almost 10%. So if something costs (as above) $19.99, you can shift the decimal place 1 position to the left (ie, $19.99 -> $1.99) to get 10% = $1.99, and then $19.99 + $1.99 = $21.98

      So we can compare that with the actual total price: if the sales tax is 8.25% (which it actually is, here in Austin) the total would be $19.99 * 1.0825 = $21.64. So $21.98 is a bit high, but it’s close.

      For tipping, there’s a similar trick: double the sales tax. (note: your check will tend to show the meal cost and the tax amount as separate items). If sales tax is 8-9% of the meal price, then doubling the sales tax will be 16-18%. Which you can adjust upward or downward a bit as you see fit. For example

      Meal cost: $42.56
      Tax: $3.51 (8.25% tax rate)
      Tip ‘trick’ = Tax * 2 = $3.51 * 2 = $7.02 (16.5%)
      15% Tip: $6.38
      20% Tip: $8.51

      You could also figure it out using the tax trick above, ie: meal costs $42.56, 10% of that is $4.25, 10% * 2 = 20%, so $4.25 * 2 = $8.50

      There’s actually an even easier way to figure this stuff by computing eigenvalues over a vector space, but the AAM software won’t let me embed LaTeX into comments, so I can’t show it to you. Sorry.

      1. Bea W*

        (and $19.99 also sounds cheaper than $20.00 – and American gasoline tends to cost something like 2 dollars and 47.9 cents, instead of $2.48)

        I don’t think I have seen it lately, but I remember gas prices always ending in 9/10 of a penny. The price would be $3.59 and 9/10 per gallon instead of $3.60.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          They have been doing that for so long that if they just said 3.70, it would feel cheaper to me. That 9/10 of a cent feels sleazy.

    10. LAMM*

      According to Wikipedia… California has a 7.5% sales tax state-wide. However, some cities (doesn’t say which ones) may charge a higher sales tax rate… causing the sales tax rate to go up to 10%. You will pay sales tax on prepared food, but not on groceries such as “Unprepared food, bakery items, hot beverages,” etc.

      So I would assume 10% as a rule of thumb. Plus it’s easier to calculate.

    11. Bea W*

      Yes, most prices you see in the US are before tax. It’s not that we’re all math whizzes, we’re just used to things costing more than the price tag. Some fast food restaurants will actually post the full price including tax on their menus, and it will say that in small print somewhere, but yes mostly the price you see is not what you will pay at the register.

      To complicate things, taxes vary by state and even by locality, and there are different types of taxes you will encounter – local hotel tax or tourism tax (or both!), sales tax, restaurant tax, etc. Those taxes may not apply to everything you buy. For instance, where I live food you buy at a store and clothing are generally not taxed. Food you buy from a restaurant is taxed. You may also run into the bottle deposit, which is fixed amount of money you pay per bottled/canned beverage. This might be on soda only, or include bottled juice and water.

      There are websites out there I think that tell you what the taxes are for where you are going. I know I have looked them up on occasion, because while I’m used to tax, every state is different in what they tax and at what rate they tax it.

    12. Sunflower*

      Google says – The California (CA) state sales tax rate is currently 6.5%. However, California adds a mandatory local rate of 1% that increases the total state sales and use tax base to 7.5%. Depending on local municipalities, the total tax rate can be as high at 10.0%. State and local taxes can reach 9.25% in many cities.

      Sales tax varies from state to state. In PA, we don’t pay tax on necessities(most clothing, grocery food) but we do pay on prepared food or clothing like bathing suits and evening gowns. In DE, there’s no tax. Don’t fret about not knowing the tax. I don’t even think about it. When you bring things to the cashier, they’ll ring you up and the total price(with tax) will show. Don’t freak out if you don’t have that amount in hand ready to go. I don’t know anyone who calculates tax beforehand and it’s fine if you takes you a couple seconds to go in your bag and get more money.

      Tax will be on the check at the restaurant. 15% is the BARE MIN. I give that if they were bad(BTW if your service was really terrible, talk to the manager. They get very concerned when you tip badly and if you tip badly, they usually will want to talk to you to see why since they worry you had a terrible meal) usually give 18% if they were okay and 20% if they were really good. Also no one really worries about exact amounts in restaurants. Everywhere I worked as a server, we never dealt with loose change and things were always rounded up or down. So if the bill was $21.25 and you gave me $30, I’d give you $9 in change, not $8.75 so you should expect that in sit-down restaurants.

      You should also tip cab drivers- usually a couple dollars is fine. If you have a bellman bring your bags to your hotel room, tip them also

      Other places you can but don’t have to tip- coffee shops, quick service sandwich type shops where you order at a counter and they might bring your food to you but it’s not a full service meal.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, for me cab drivers are 20%–are you going short enough journeys that that ends up being the same as a couple of dollars?

        I think I tipped a valet $24 instead of $5 the other day. I thought I had five singles and then later I had fewer twenties than I thought, so I think I gave him four singles and a twenty. Oh, well; he was a really nice guy.

    13. beachlover*

      California sales tax differs from City/county to city/county. Where I live it is 8.5%, in Los Angeles county I believe it may be closer to 10%. All prices are pre tax. a hint on tipping at restaurants- They will list the tax as a separate line on the receipt. if you take the tax and double it that will be pretty close to the amount you need to tax, and you tip on the pre-tax amount.

    14. Artemesia*

      In the US waiters in many places are paid a fraction of minimum wage; tipping is how they get paid and you should never tip less than 15% and generally more like 18 or so (unless the service is truly disastrous.)

      For hotels mentally add another $30 or so to the bill — there are often as many as 3 different local taxes added on. It is pretty upsetting to Europeans too where the price you are quoted is what you pay.

      Sales tax is state and local. Figuring 10% is probably close most places. The rare state doesn’t have it. For example Oregon doesn’t. But most do.

  24. MJ (Aotearoa/New Zealand)*

    On an entirely unrelated note, I’m trying to quit drinking coca-cola. It’s a terrible, terrible habit and it needs to stop.

    Is cold turkey the best approach or is my body likely to FREAK at the lack of caffeine/sugar?

    1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      I went cold turkey a few years ago and frankly didn’t find it that hard. Now that I’ve broken the habit I have it at restaurants and movie theaters and don’t find that it makes it more difficult for me to avoid it.

      I love La Croix sparkling water now. They have a ton of amazing flavors, with no sweeteners or additives. My favorite is peach pear.

      1. Sara*

        Agreed. Quitting cold turkey wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I do still drink coffee, though, so the caffeine and sugar is still a part of my day. (And I do get a headache if I skip the coffee.)

    2. OfficePrincess*

      If you’ve been drinking a lot, you will probably feel a little crummy for a few days from the lack of caffeine if you go cold turkey. If you are also a coffee drinker, that would probably make up for it. If not, you could try swapping your coke for tea for a while.

    3. Amber Rose*

      Drink mochas. I was so damn miserable when I gave up cola. Mocha, half coffee half hot chocolate, helped ease the sudden loss of sugar and caffeine in my diet.

    4. Former Diet Coke Addict*

      I (obviously) kicked a terrible Diet Coke habit twice now. I didn’t go cold turkey because it was too hard for me, not physically, but mentally. I started substituting tea instead of Diet Coke first once a day, then twice, etc., until I wasn’t drinking pop at all. I picked up a lot of flavoured carbonated water instead, which satisfied my need for fizz and flavour. Or you can get unflavoured carbonated water and toss in lime or lemon slices, or another flavouring.

      It was much easier for me to do in the winter because I generally wanted warmer stuff anyway, so it wasn’t hard to drink tons of tea instead. I do go through an awful lot of herbal tea, but it’s not sugary. If you rely on pop for the caffeine kick, you’ll probably have a hard time going cold turkey and have a better chance of “relapsing.” Be prepared to be sleepier in stranger patterns (especially, for me, in the afternoon) and try to get a little additional exercise to what you usually do.

      1. Blue_eyes*

        I think swapping the Coke for tea and/or sparkling water is the way to go. Keeping up some of the caffeine intake plus the ritual and feel of drinking a carbonated beverage should make it easier.

      2. Sunflower*

        This is exactly what I did. I didn’t do it on purpose and I still do drink soda but not nearly as much. I used to drink 5 cans a day. Then I fazed it out to one at lunch and one at dinner. Then just one at lunch. Now I drink it for lunch maybe once a week. I usually do have one or two over the weekends though!

    5. Nan*

      Will someone spell out for me why I should quit drinking Diet Coke? I have 1-2 a day. Is that bad? If so, why? I know people say you shouldn’t drink too much soda but I’ve never quite understood why.

      1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

        For me, I just wanted to stop eating and drinking as much non-natural stuff as possible. I was trying to transition to whole foods, that I prepared myself. Diet Coke is obviously not that. Mineral water is pretty close.

      2. A few reasons*

        I’ve heard it damages your tooth enamel, stains your teeth, eats away at your stomach lining, the diet drinks actually make you gain weight, are addictive, can make you jittery, and are carcinogenic. It’s also an expensive habit. If you want to read actual research, though, try running a search & see what comes up.

        I started by cutting back and then just eventually stopped altogether. Club soda and iced teas are good, especially with summer coming.

        1. Blue_eyes*

          Anecdata ahead: My mom used to go through around 4 two-liter bottles of diet caffeine-free coke each week. She also used to have terrible stomach problems fairly frequently. Since she quit drinking soda her stomach problems have entirely disappeared. (Full disclosure: she also made other dietary changes at the same time that included reducing meat, carb, and dairy intake. So those changes almost certainly get some credit in her improved GI health). I’ve also read about some possible links between diet sodas and Multiple Sclerosis (which my mom has), so I’m very happy she gave it up.

      3. fposte*

        Links with bad health outcomes aren’t strong, but there are some; there’s some association with type 2 diabetes and hip fractures, for instance, but it’s not incontrovertible. There’s stronger evidence that it makes people likelier to be overweight–not just that overweight people try diet soda, but it enhances the chance of eating more. There’s also a link to soda consumption and tooth decay, but I’m not clear if that includes diet sodas–I’m finding a mention that it’s acidic in a way that can cause tooth decay over time, but it’s hard to find backup.

        Also, water’s a lot cheaper.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          A friend who had a horrid kidney stone told me her doctor said colas cause them. So that’s another good reason not to drink it.

          I hardly ever drink soda anymore, but when I do I try to drink something without the HFCS in it, at least. And no diet. I don’t like it anyway. :P

      4. Ann Furthermore*

        I really think that diet soda is just The Evil Thing of the moment. For awhile it was coffee, every few years it’s eggs — don’t eat the yolks, only the whites, no wait, eat the whole egg — then it was carbs, and now it’s gluten. And diet soda.

        I normally drink 2 a day — one with lunch, one with dinner. The rest of the time I drink water. I remember years ago everyone was up in arms about saccharine, and how it caused cancer in laboratory rats — when they consumed the equivalent of something like 10 cases of soda a day.

        So, when I hear all these things about how evil diet soda is, I just have a hard time believing it.

        1. fposte*

          Right–it’s one of those things where greater periodic consumption may result in a higher chance of [Bad Things]. But it’s not a humongously higher chance, and most of those Bad Things we have a reasonable chance of encountering anyway. Stuff that has a 100% chance of a fatal end gets figured out pretty quickly. Now we’re just messing around in the margins, and moving around more during the day would probably matter more than any particular kind of foodstuff.

      5. Treena Kravm*

        People tend to drink the diet sodas because they’re sugar-free, but as others have mentioned, it’s been demonstrated that the calorie-free sweeteners they use cause increased cravings for sugary foods. So in general, people drinking diet soda consume more sugar than if they just had the sugary soda in the first place.

        And in general, I don’t like the idea of drinking things that will literally eat away at my flesh if exposed for too long. Freaks me out!

      6. INTP*

        There have been a couple of studies to find a correlation between diet soda consumption and decreased kidney function over the long-term. The effects start to show up when you have 2+ servings a day (which is one 16oz bottle that they sell as single servings).

        From personal experience – my recurrent UTIs went away when I cut way back. I only drink them on vacation sometimes now and they make me feel a little icky, my stomach feels off. I’m inclined to believe anything that makes me feel gross after I haven’t had it in awhile is not great for me – that I was probably experiencing the same things while drinking it regularly but just more used to them. I also thought they were part of the changes in my “vacation diet” that led me to have diarrhea on vacation, but it seems that might have been 100% gluten-related.

      7. Sunflower*

        For me, I have very soft teeth and the acid in soda was killing my teeth. I had switched from reg. soda to diet and my dentist kept telling me the acid kills your teeth more than sugar. I think 1-2/day is fine. Once I went down to only drinking 1 a day, my teeth got WAY better.

        When I’ve read the health studies about people who drink soda, they seem kind of silly. Most of the people were very sedentary and made terrible health choices anyway. I felt like most of the people were types who think ‘Since I’m drinking diet coke instead of regular, I can a Big Mac everyday’. From what I’ve seen, the health affects are minimal. I used to drink it a ton and I have never had any health problems.

      8. Not So NewReader*

        Yes, to everything people have said here. Annnd… I started having panic attacks. So I am in the bread aisle, just an average day and doing my ho-hum shopping and all of the sudden I cannot move. I am totally locked up. I cannot process what is going on around me, my brain is running so fast, I cannot move my body at that speed. The fear causes me to break out in a sweat. I have to cling to the grocery cart.

        This happened several times and I started to become afraid of stores. Then I got afraid of parking lots and it kept going. Fun times. Not.
        I quit using all fake sugars. All of them- sweet and lo, equal, etc. It cut the panic attacks by 75%. Not only were there less of them but they were less intense.

        So my husband thought I was nuts. NOOOO- fake sugar doesn’t do that–nooo. Then one day it happened. We were at a mall. In the middle of the mall he says to me, “I can’t move. I can’t sort what I see around me.”
        I steered him to the nearest bench. We sat there for quite a while. I said, “This is your fake sugar.” Noooo, he insisted. I said you had fake sugar yesterday. Noooo. I had him do breathing exercises until he felt he could walk out to the car.
        It was not too long after that he had another attack. I pointed out again that it was the fake sugar. “How is this possible? I never had this before!”

        We had both been using fake sugar for over a decade. It took that long for us to see the damage it was causing. Apparently, there are chemicals in diet sodas that alter your brain. I never expected this type of result- where I could not process the world around me. I cannot tell you how many times it happened while I was driving. Not too sure why I did not wreck the car.

        I can honestly say, if I did not give up the coke and the other fake sugars, I would probably be on full disability today. Instead I have not had a panic attack in about 15 years. Once ia great while, I get some symptoms of starting to panic, I do my breathing exercises and it goes away- poof- gone. The memories of the fear are still quite clear in my mind- hence, no coke for me.
        Granted, YMMV. But it’s these types of things that are causing concern and this is what people are finding.

      9. Trixie*

        In addition to the other reasons listed, I really grew to dislike the bloated feeling from the carbonation. Plus the more I drink, i was still thirsty. Next, the caffeine. It’s next to impossible to find caffeine -free diet soda when you’re out in and about. Or they’ll have 7-up but not in diet. Caffeine is my new enemy because that plus whatever salt I have goes right to my eyes the next day. BAGS. For me, soda tends to lead to acid reflux. Lastly, I think I read that making soda consumes an insane amount of water. Given the recent news about CA’s drought, that was the last straw for me.

    6. Persephone Mulberry*

      Yes, yes, and yes: yes you should go cold turkey, yes it will suck HARD, and yes it will be worth it. My reason for going cold turkey is that it’s too easy to backslide if it’s not a black and white decision. “One a day for this week and then no more” pretty easily becomes “well this week is looking pretty stressful so I’d better push back my cutoff to next week” or “It’s midnight so it’s practically tomorrow anyway,” and so on.

    7. V. Meadowsweet*

      Probably cold turkey. Is there another caffeinated beverage you drink you could up a little to offset any cravings?
      A friend’s recently had success that way – he quit pop cold turkey and has replaced it with tea and water.

    8. Polaris*

      You might have more severe withdrawal symptoms if you currently drink a lot of soda and quit cold turkey, but the withdrawal period for caffeine is relatively brief. When I quit, the headaches and fatigue lasted only a day or two. For reference, I had a double-shot of espresso plus 12 – 24 oz of soda/day habit. According to this study (http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs00213-004-2000-x), 2-9 days is the typical duration of withdrawal symptoms.

    9. INTP*

      My addiction was diet coke, so the sugar could make a difference here. However, I gave it up not cold turkey but fairly drastically (from 4+ per day to 1, when I moved out of the country where soda is not as cheap and coca light is much grosser than diet coke). I had no negative side effects. My recurrent UTIs did go away, though. I don’t seem to develop a caffeine addiction very easily, though – I can go without my morning tea or mate and I of course don’t get the boost of the caffeine but I don’t get headaches or drowsiness or anything. I only drink it on vacation now and I still can’t stomach more than one 16oz bottle per day, even that makes me feel a little icky.

    10. Kat*

      Dump some milk into a clear container of coke. Wait an hour then go look at it.

      That’ll probably make you stop cold turkey. The headaches from lack of caffeine can be dealt with.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      You can get caffeine and sugar from other sources unless you have deliberately carved them out of your diet entirely. This leaves the bubbles. I think that they are an addiction all by themselves. I changed to flavored sparkling waters as others are saying here. Finally, I got bored with those and gave them up, also.

      You can try this: Decide to go for a month or two without the Coke. Then try one. I did this a couple times and I was appalled by how CRAPPY I felt after drinking it. To this day, I would LOVE a Coke. It’s not worth feeling crappy for three days or LONGER! Yes, three days or longer from ONE coke. I suppose if I knew for an absolute fact I had one more day on this earth- I would probably go buy a coke and down it. Okay, a 2 liter bottle. Otherwise, no how, no way do I want this stuff.

  25. Amber Rose*

    Update from last week: So we went to watch some martial arts classes and see if anything seemed interesting. There’s a kenjitsu class that looks fun: samurai style sword fighting. It’s $70 a month, with a start-up fee of $350 (for the outfit and wooden sword). Not sure if the cost is reasonable but it sounds reasonable to me. My only concern is my crippling anxiety. I almost threw up from fear just walking in the door. Theoretically I should gain confidence from this though.

    It’s 2 classes a month with an emphasis on home practice. The other class is ninjutsu and runs more often, but… the teacher and the students are super intense. Like, scary intense. Talking about killing people with credit cards and military style yelling. I had no idea ninjas were such a serious bunch. :O

    2. CoffeeLover*

      I’m not a martial artist myself, but growing up my brother did Taekwondo for a decade, so I’ve sat in on my fair share of classes. I’ve also gone through phases of shopping around for martial arts classes. Unfortunately, there’s no decent classes close enough to where I currently live. :(

      Honestly, I don’t think 2 classes a month is enough. You really should go several times a week to build up a decent level of comfort and skill. I think especially if you are trying to overcome some anxiety with it, it would be better to go to a few back to back classes to build your confidence. It will take A LOT longer to feel comfortable if you go once every two weeks. Most martial arts places (the good ones anyway) have a monthly fee and daily drop in classes, so you can go to as many as you would like. Of course, they’re more expensive than $70/month. Almost all of these places also let you come in for a trial lesson. It might be worth showing up in some comfortable cloths and giving one of these places a try before committing.

  26. Tau*

    Tonight, I dreamed that I had a job interview at the place I’m most interested in and realised halfway through that I’d forgotten to get dressed that morning and was still wearing my Snoopy pyjamas. Rarely have I been so glad to wake up and find out something was a dream…

    1. danr*

      Just be glad you hadn’t gone to the interview right out of the shower… I had a few of those nightmares when job hunting.

  27. catsAreCool*

    I adopted a kitty a couple of weeks ago, and I’m still not sure what to name him. He’s a tuxedo cat, mostly black with some white on his chest. He’s very sweet and affectionate, and he’s trying to be friends with my other 2 cats (the younger of the other 2 cats is fairly receptive).

    I call him “Dude” a lot, but I want to find a real name for him.

    I keep thinking of something like “Tux” or something that reflects what a sweet, elegant gentleman of a cat he is.

    Any suggestions?

    Thanks!

    1. catsAreCool*

      My kitty’s personality reminds me a little of Ben Wyatt on Parks & Rec and of Pierce Brosnin, especially as Remington Steele. Sweet, elegant, polite, gentle.

      He’s also a little bossy (but cutely so). Occasionally he emits some smells that make me wonder if there are any famous skunks I should name him after besides Flower (on Bambi) and Pepe Le Pew :)

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Because of the tuxedo, I think you should go with something old and formal sounding: Leopold (could be Leo for short). Winston. Alfred. Dr. Phineous Wrigglesworth-Spence III. Etc.

      1. catsAreCool*

        I like the formal idea. I’ve thought about Leonard (in honor of Nimoy and the guy from the Big Bang Theory).

    3. Maxwell Edison*

      I always say that if I get another cat I’ll just name it “Nimrod” because that’s what I’m always calling my cats anyway.

      1. Cruciatus*

        Just wanted to interject that my Hungarian coworker and his wife named their new baby Nimrod. The baby will be brought up in the U.S. so…hopefully kids just get used to it! Or maybe he’ll be Nim or Rod. But when he told everyone, I don’t think he was expecting the surprise on our faces; “but it means mighty hunter!”

      2. catsAreCool*

        When I’ve adopted a kitten, at some point, I’ve always wanted to call the kitten Ricochet because the kitty was bouncing off the walls. This time I adopted an adult cat, after spending some time with him at the kitty adoption place. This was so much easier! He’s sweet, gentle, playful, but doesn’t bounce off the walls or walk right underfoot (much).

    7. Dynamic Beige*

      I once heard somewhere that cats like names with an eee sound, but one of my current kitties responds to a shortened version of her name that doesn’t have that sound in it, so I dunno.

      How about something like Benedict? You could call him Benny for short.

      I think you just need to Google fancy cat names or just baby names and see if something appeals to you.

        1. EmilyG*

          My parents took me to see Victor Borge live for my tenth birthday. It was great! That tells you a lot about, well, all of us.

          I like Allison’s suggestion of Leopold; I like names that are too old-fashioned and formal for humans, used on cats.

    10. V. Meadowsweet*

      Mamoru!
      (Mamoru Chiba is the ‘real’ name of Tuxedo Mask, from Sailor Moon :) )

      1. Alistair*

        Hey, that’s taken! But for an easygoing tuxedo, I’ll let it slide (I have a tuxedo, and she’s a sweet, friendly, terribly annoying loudmouth. Still love her anyway.).

  28. Awful Waffle*

    A special shout-out to C Average – I took your advice about Prana’s shorts. I ordered some and in love with them! Thanks again for your help. :)

    1. C Average*

      Fantastic! Glad I could help.

      As long as we’re doing shout-outs, I can’t remember who recommended drying my curly hair with an old T-shirt, combing it with a wide-tooth comb, and using shea products, but I’m doing all three and my curls have never been happier or better behaved.

      This community is a wealth of wisdom on all sorts of subjects.

        1. C Average*

          Instead of using a towel to rub your hair dry, you just use a T-shirt to sort of pat it dry. It helps curls hold their shape better. I’m not sure why it works, but it definitely works!

          2. The Office Admin*

            My curly hair tricks are using a regular conditioner(the one you’re supposed to wash out, not the leave in kind, haha) after getting out of the shower on the lower half of the hair and blow drying HALF dry with a diffuser on cool and using hair gel to make the curl stay curl instead of fluff.
            Also, whisper sweet nothings to it. Name it. Tell it on humidity filled days: “I understand, some days, life is really tough. It’s ok, we’re in this together”
            Mostly just conditioner though. As much as you can fit in your hand, smother your hair with it.

          3. StarHopper*

            I use a tee shirt to dry my curls, too! The terry cloth in a regular towel is too rough for curls and makes them frizz. Have you tried co-washing yet?

      2. Julie*

        Squish to condish is my new secret curly trick. Lots of conditioner, lots of upside down hair in the shower and out but my curls are so beautiful! They survived 4 out of 5 storm days this week in perfect condition. Day 5 involved hail and tornado warnings so I can’t blame my hair for frizzing at the ends.

      3. Merry and Bright*

        You are right there – only one reason it is so addictive!

        I have thick hair with a wave that needs “careful management”. For a few years I have used a microfibre towel on it. One little thing has improved my life no end.

    2. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

      Can I just shout out to C Average generally?

      I love your posts on AAM. I actually mentioned you in a meeting last week. We’re talking about our social media and where we want to go and I half quoted you about something with “I have a friend who does social media for a large brand…um, well, Internet Friend, well……. acquaintance, I mean she’s not a friend, she’s an internet acquaintance…”

      Which, is funny. Even funnier would have been if someone said, what’s her name, and I said C Average. Sounds like a DJ name. She also spins on Saturday nights.

      1. C Average*

        Coming from YOU . . . wow. I blushed so hard when I read this. Thank you! I love your posts, too. You’re such a voice of wisdom, experience, and common sense. And you’re funny.

        Years ago I declared myself an Internet Extrovert (yes, that’s a thing–a thing I made up, but still a thing) and I’ve gotten used to having friends and acquaintances from the internet. If you or any of the other fabulous members of the AAM community ever find yourselves in oh-so-hip Portland, Oregon, we can meet for coffee and be real-life acquaintances. Stephanie can verify that I am not a serial killer. (And I can verify that she’s not, either.)

        I like the DJ angle. Hadn’t thought of that, but it would be a good DJ name . . .

      2. fposte*

        Seconding this really hard. You’ve said the kind thing I wish I’d managed to say so many times.

    3. Jader*

      While we are on the subject of shout outs to C Average…. did you recently write an article for xoJane? If not, someone did write an article for them and she has a crazy number of similarities to you. If it was you, I was so excited to see someone I recognized from elsewhere on the internet, and the article was excellent.

      1. C Average*

        I did! That was me. I am working on a few other pieces for them. I was a Sassy reader back in the day (yep, I’m that old) and it’s pretty fun to have a few pieces on Jane’s site. My next piece is about the reasons the word “mansplaining” needs to be retired. Must. Not. Read. The. Comments!

        1. Jader*

          Yay! I look forward to reading it. You are so brave, I never even comment over there, nevermind write for them, because some of the people are so vicious.

          1. C Average*

            I’m trying to take courage in the knowledge that some of the truly excellent writers on that site get eviscerated in the comments for completely petty reasons. They’ve apparently learned to take it with a grain of salt, and I will, as well!

            My eventual goal is to write for Slate, and the commentariat there is a whole ‘nother level. When I get there, I really will have to force myself not to look.

  29. Cooking for Newbies*

    So, I’m moving out on my own for the very first time, and I’m armed only with the family recipe for spaghetti, the ability to cook some eggs, and of course, that college staple: instant noodles.

    How does someone completely clueless get started planning their meals without getting overwhelmed? Is there such thing as a newbie’s grocery list? I look around on cooking websites, and I just get overwhelmed by how many different ingredients I have to buy just for one meal.

    I just want maybe 3-4 meals I can cook regularly to switch things up, but without having to buy an entire spice rack or spend hours preparing food just to get it done.

    1. Calacademic*

      We got a couple of Rachel Ray’s 30 minute meal cookbooks — they’ll call for lots of ingredients, but they’re still somewhat limited because you should be able to cook them in close to 30 minutes. I think there are lots of different options to go (some healthier than others) depending on your needs:

      Boxed meals (aka hamburger helper, pasta sides, and the ol’ mac’n’cheese). Not especially healthy/fresh, but definitely quick.
      Doin’ it from scratch. Find a good cookbook and follow along. Find a good blog and follow along. Be prepared to spend more money to get takeout when it goes horribly wrong.

      Would it be possible for you to go shopping every day or every other day? When my husband learned to cook, there was a grocery store literally across the street from us: we would go there every single day and just get what we needed for that day. Now that we have a kid (and cooking experience) we go twice a week.

      1. Cooking for Newbies*

        My current work has a lot of heavy hours, so at least 80% of my desire for simple ingredients and quick cooking is because I just don’t have the time to get fancy or shop frequently.

        Ideally, I’d be able to shop once per week for what I need, and spend 30-50 minutes each night preparing lunch for the next day along with dinner. I’m willing to give up variety in exchange due convenience, as long as I’m not literally eating the same thing every day.

        I guess part of my question is also asking for recommendations on which simple meals people like to make regularly. I like any combination of chicken, beef, potatoes, eggs, and noodles, and lettuce/broccoli are my go to veggies.

        1. The IT Manager*

          I recommend a slow cooker/crackpot. There’s lots of recipes online. It tends toward stews and juicy meats and they’re usually easy with limited ingredients. Also you make it one day and have lots of left-overs which can be frozen for weeks later when you need something fast.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Ooooh, I love this question!

      Why not think about 2 or 3 things you really like to eat and start by learning how to make those, either by having someone in your family show you (if it’s something you eat with them) or just by watching videos online? You can video versions of lots of recipes, and that might be easier than just using the recipe alone.

      Other easy stuff: salads, stir-fry, most crock pot recipes…

      This looks like a pretty good list too:
      http://listverse.com/2007/09/11/top-10-basic-cooking-tricks/

      1. Cooking for Newbies*

        That list of awesome! Omelettes, chicken, mashed potatoes… That’s a good start for me!

        I hear a lot of good things about slow cookers too, especially for making meals for the entire week ahead of time, so I’ll definitely look into that as well.

        1. Tau*

          The main warning I have re: slow-cookers is that they don’t really do pasta or dairy. Since those are very much my staple and I’m not too keen on stews and chunks-of-meat which are the kind of things that slow cookers excel at, mine just gathers dust.

          Another suggestion: you can (at least in the UK) often get recipe “packets” – I’ve used them for enchiladas and fajitas. They come with step-by-step instructions and generally contain a bunch of the non-fresh ingredients, especially spices, with a list of what else you’ll have to buy to make the meal. I view them as a handy intermediate step between cooking from scratch and getting takeaway, especially because it means not having to buy a spice rack or have to figure out how to season something to taste.

    3. BRR*

      First, don’t be afraid to alter a recipe (when cooking, baking is more difficult). If you look at the comment section of a recipe, it’s nothing but people saying how the altered it.

      Some staples at least in my kitchen are olive oil, salt, pepper, rice, and onions.

      1. Cooking for Newbies*

        I’ll definitely keep that in mind, but it’s hard for someone like me who just doesn’t have a good grasp on what tastes similar and which substitutions would be good.

        1. TL -*

          You can drop things out easier than a add in – I’m picky and do that a lot. So it simplifies your grocery list.

          Also the only way you’ll find it what you like is to try, so don’t be afraid to substitute because it sounds good. No one has to know about the night you ate matza, horseradish and cheese sandwiches.

        2. fposte*

          Building on what TL says–especially if you’re living in a place that has hot summers or heat generally, “cooking” can mean “assembling,” too. It still counts if you don’t heat anything.

      1. Cooking for Newbies*

        Thank you! I’ll put it on my list of things to check out before the big moving out day!

      2. fposte*

        Bittman also has some cookbooks that specialize in speedy prep–How to Cook Everything Fast, Mark Bittman’s Quick and Easy Recipes, and The Kitchen Express. I especially like the last one, but I would definitely suggest a library try or pre-browse to make sure it’ll suit you.

    5. C Average*

      Someday I am going to actually write the cookbook that I wish existed. It would have a list of ingredients on the front flap and all the recipes would be written in such a way that if you own everything on that list, you can make everything in the cookbook. Because the worst part of cooking is the shopping part.

      But that’s a hypothetical resource that doesn’t yet exist–not what you asked for, alas.

      I subscribe to Real Simple’s weekly menu planner. It’s $10 a year and has a lot of good, basic, easy-to-make food with ingredients that aren’t hard to find. I probably wind up using about three of the recipes per week, doubling up when it’s something I know the family will really like. It includes a shopping list, which I find really handy. I’m definitely a fan.

      1. Cooking for Newbies*

        If you ever write that book, I will be first in line to buy it! It’s exactly the kind of resource I was hoping existed!

        I’ll be sure to check out the meal planner. Sounds like something that could be helpful.

        2. Lindsay J*

          On Reddit there are a lot of different subreddits dedicated to this kind of thing. Right now I am using a mealplan from /r/eatcheapandhealthy that is $26 a week to feed up to 4 people. It lists the ingrediants you need, and then different meals for breakfast/lunch/dinner you can make with those meals (and includes recipes for each meal).

          I made some substitutions based on my preferences and budget and what I found available. (Like I got ground beef instead of ground turkey because I prefer that and didn’t care that it cost a little more.)

          I’ll put the link in a comment below this one so this post doesn’t get sent to moderation.

          1. Lindsay J*

            http://www.reddit.com/r/EatCheapAndHealthy/comments/2gutuk/26_2021_1592_grocery_list_meal_plan_and_recipes/ This is the grocery list and recipes I mentioned above.

            http://www.reddit.com/r/EatCheapAndHealthy/comments/2h4bu2/35_vegetarian_meal_plan_grocery_list_and_recipes/ Same idea, but vegetarian.

            http://www.reddit.com/r/slowcooking/comments/inuz5/6_ingredient_or_fewer_slow_cooker_recipes_go/

            http://www.reddit.com/r/slowcooking/comments/15i89d/6_ingredient_or_fewer_slow_cooker_recipes_v_20/

            http://www.reddit.com/r/slowcooking/comments/1ks4ff/6_ingredients_or_less_v30/

            These three are all crockpot/slow cooker (those are the same thing, Crockpot is just a brand name) meals. Basically buy the ingredients listed, throw them in the slowcooker, put on the lid, turn it on, leave it sit for several hours, and you’ve got a meal. You can buy inexpensive crockpots at Walmart, Amazon, and I ususally see a few at Goodwill whenever I go. I’ve even seen them at my grocery store before.

            There are also websites that will tell you what you can cook using mainly what you already have in your house. http://www.recipekey.com/ is one. http://www.supercook.com/ is another.

      2. Dynamic Beige*

        My thing is a cooking show that tells you ahead of time what the next lesson would be, along with an ingredient and prep list. “Next time we’ll be making _________. You’ll need A, B, C if you want to follow along.” Which I know would be a nightmare for TV stations and continuity. Sure, there are PVRs and stuff on the internet now but it always used to bug me that all the cooking shows have little teeny dishes full of everything chopped/sliced/minced/diced and they would go so fast through all the steps.

          1. Dynamic Beige*

            It could so be done as a webseries:
            Day 1, chopping techniques and shopping lists. (this kind of content is the kind of thing that could be reused, only needs to be shot once)
            Day 2, discussion of technique of something else, like how to properly sauté. How to choose vegetables or how to stock a pantry.
            Day 3 live cooking event at Xpm so you know what to have ready and have an idea of what’s going to happen.
            Over the course of a week, you could build up a whole meal.

            There’s so much I missed out on in life, having someone who loved to cook and could show me the ropes is one of them.

      3. thisisit*

        i am in the process of doing something like this.

        i’ve written out all my “regular” recipes (about 50 or so) and started comparing ingredients and am currently working to tweak them so that i can reduce the number of ingredients (ie, seeing where i can swap something unusual out for something i use more often). in the process, i’ve also added a few new recipes in once i realized there were more things i could make from the ingredients i had listed.

        my next step is to figure out how to either put them in an access database or excel spreadsheet or…? (computer type people – thoughts on another way to do this?) so that i can tag/cross-link ingredients. my intention being that if i picked a few recipes, i could generate the ingredient list… or if i select a few ingredients, i could see which recipes i could make.

        i hate data entry, but i figure it only has to be done the once? adding stuff later would at least be a few items at a time.

        1. Dynamic Beige*

          It sounds like you need some sort of app/program if you want to generate results based on ingredients (I am not an Excel expert, so no clue there). If you just want to tag certain words, you could create a book in a page layout program like InDesign, then program in the hyperlinks in Acrobat — or have a website with the same sort of linking.

    6. Veggiewhatnow*

      Please excuse the shameless self-promotion, but for me, it was blogging and finding other bloggers whose recipes looked appealing and simple. I’m not an expert blogger or cook by any stretch. I do very basic recipes and only write for fun, so there’s not much of a learning curve. There are also plenty of other wonderful bloggers on wordpress, many of whom are starting out on their own for the first time.

      The spice rack thing sounds intimidating, but isn’t really all that bad once you start cooking. I started with basil, oregano, and garlic powder because I love Italian food. I also bought olive oil. Now, I have almost a full cupboard of spices and a few different types of oils. I second the idea of thinking about what you actually enjoy eating, shop for that recipe, then go make it.

      Something that worked for me in the past was reading small, inexpensive cookbooks. I currently am watching tons of cooking shows for ideas: Giada, Trisha Yearwood, the Barefoot Contessa, and the Pioneer Woman. I actually find making food from scratch to be much cheaper than takeout- a bag of flour lasts forever if you like things like pizza. I think a crockpot is a great investment- little effort, great return. A small cutting board and knife is great for starters, though I also get a ton of use out of my mini-chopper. Rice and beans are good and cheap. Hope this helps!

      1. Cooking for Newbies*

        Thanks! That does help. Of the shows you watch, who would you recommend as someone whose meals are simple to make? Are there any blogs dedicated to crock pot recipes you’d recommend?

        1. Veggiewhatnow*

          There is no single source I use for the crockpot. The crockpot mac and cheese I make is inspired by Carla Hall’s recipe, found here (delete the spaces): http: //abc. go. com/ shows/ the-chew/ recipes/ mac-cheese-slow-cooker-carla-hall . I use this one for oatmeal: http: // www. eatingwell. com/ recipes/overnight_oatmeal. html . There are also a ton of search results for crockpot recipes.

          All of the chefs/cooks I mentioned have made meals I’ve seen and thought, “I could do that!”. Today, I saw enchiladas on Pioneer Woman, for example. Otherwise, I look up recipes by interest, like “Hrm… how do I make Sloppy Joes?” Just FYI, I constantly see ads for this service, which gives you the recipe and the ingredients. I’ve never used it, don’t know anyone who has: http: //www. hellofresh. com/

          1. Mephyle*

            Carla Hall’s crockpot mac and cheese – Pinned! immediately! Wow!
            Also, the “similar posts” algorithm on that site is hilariously bad. The “similar recipes” linked at the bottom of the page are “rustic berry tart”, “quick chocolate sauce” and “toasted coconut almond brownies”. The only way they are similar to mac and cheese is that they are all food and they all look delicious. Aside from that, no.

            1. Veggiewhatnow*

              I haven’t looked at the source link in so long- that’s hysterical! I remember I actually *hated* the site itself, but that recipe was so easy to modify, and my Frankenstein version was delicious. http:// veggiewhatnow. wordpress. com/2012/06/15/crock-pot-mac-cheese/

        2. TL -*

          Good Eats! Watch Good Eats! It’s an excellent cooking show and he breaks things down so you understand what’s happening and then should be able to alter as needed.

    7. Blue_eyes*

      Spices can get expensive. For now try to only buy what you need for each new recipe as you try it, and pretty soon you will have a whole spice rack of spices you actually use. And don’t be afraid to leave out spices if you don’t have them and can’t buy them right now. Unless they’re the star flavor of the dish, you probably won’t miss them as long as you’ve added enough salt (and maybe a “brightener” like vinegar or lemon juice).

      One thing that some people like is to create meal “templates” and then switch them up each week. So maybe Monday is always frittata night, but this week you add spinach and goat cheese, and next week it’s onion and red peppers. I tend to work with a weekly “template”. In the winter that means that each week we have one soup, one pasta, and one something else (maybe casserole, calzones, stir fry). In the summer we have one pasta, one sandwich, and one something else (rice bowls, big salad). I find it easier to plan meals this way because it’s less overwhelming to think “What kind of soup do I want this week?” than “What do I want to eat this week?”. If you start with one pasta dish, one soup, and one sandwich you can try one new recipe each week (this week make a new kind of soup, next week make a new kind of pasta, week after make a new kind of sandwich), and pretty soon you’ll have a nice little rotation of recipes you like. Don’t try to “do all the things” and make all new recipes in the same week – you’ll inevitably pick all duds and have nothing you like to eat all week, which sucks.

      1. C Average*

        This is a total digression, but I have to share a story.

        I volunteer at a local homeless shelter every month or so as part of my running club’s community outreach efforts. We go to the same place every time and have gotten to know the kitchen staff well.

        When I got married and moved in with my husband, I had a huuuuuuuge spice collection and donated it all to their kitchen. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so happy! They make do with donations and rarely get good spices because they’re expensive. It might be the most satisfying act of charity I’ve ever performed.

        If you ever have spices you try but wind up not liking, consider donating them to a place like this before they go bad. They’ll get used and appreciated.

        1. Blue_eyes*

          Great advice! When we moved across the country I actually packed up all my spices and brought them with me, because at $5-7/bottle it would have cost almost $100 to replace them.

          1. Veggiewhatnow*

            I actually love the above advice, but wanted to add in that they sell spices at the dollar store. In lieu of that, store brands are usually the least expensive.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          If you have spices that have gone bad, you can use them as a pest deterrent.
          The milder spices I used up training my very stubborn pup not to dig holes in my lawn. Ha! He would not even step where I had scattered the spices. This allowed me time to go somewhere, pick up some topsoil and fill in the holes. Be careful if you go this route. Don’t put down anything that would burn skin tissues. I dumped some of them out on my hand to be sure. I was aiming for things that would be a nasal irritant and therefore discourage him from digging more in the same spot. It worked, he gave up.

      2. danr*

        The best resource for dried herbs and spices is Penzeys. And the catalogs are chock full of recipes. https://www.penzeys.com/ And, there is usually some sort of freebie for each catalog and they send samples with each order.

        1. RFWL*

          Cannot recommend Penzeys enough! They usually have some great starter sets available too in basic sets of 5,10, or 15 spices I think. I used to drop so much cash there. Actually, they are very reasonably priced for the quality of spices.

        2. Alma*

          +1,000!!

          Reading the catalog gives me lots of great ideas. The spices are marked with suggestions about what to use it on, in what quantity.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        A cost effective way to try new-to-you spices: If you have a health food store near you, check for bulk bins containing spices. Find out if you can bring your own containers or if you have to buy theirs. This way you can get enough to do just one or two recipes and find out if you even like the spice.

        I started out this way and kept replenishing using the bulk bins. It turned out to cost less because I was not leaving stuff rotting on the shelf for years.

    8. Graciosa*

      Peg Bracken’s I Hate to Cook Cookbook is a lifesaver. My mother gave us each one when we went to college.

      My favorite chapter is Eating With Your Shoes Off, but it also useful for dinner party menus (and recipes) that are tasty without being complicated.

      This is not a book for people who want to become gourmets, but for people who want to get through the job of feeding themselves with the best possible ratio of results:effort.

      1. Elder Dog*

        + 1
        Also: you can get most cookbooks from the library. Try a bunch, buy the ones you love. Put plastic wrap over the pages of the books you borrow.

    9. AnnieNonymous*

      It’s okay to start with frozen foods until you get a feel for what you end up craving during the workweek. You don’t want to spend a lot of money on fresh ingredients only to be too wiped out from work to end up using them before they go bad. I’m a big fan of frozen bagged meal kits that already have noodles/rice, beef/chicken, vegetables, and sauce in them. If you’ve never learned how to prepare meat, those are a good start. Soups are good starter recipes because you can keep adding ingredients as you go along.

      Try spaghetti squash maybe. You just cut it in half, wrap it in plastic, and microwave it to soften it. Then you twirl your fork around in it and the “meat” of the squash falls apart in shredded strands. You can use any sauce on it that you want, and it’s a superfun way to get more vegetables in your diet.

    10. Meg*

      I LOVE to cook and am really excited to see your question. :) Learning to feed yourself in a healthy, sustainable way is such a valuable skill.

      1) You will be healthier and will spend far less money if you meal plan, make a list, and shop only once or twice a week. (And you’ll waste less food!) It’s not as hard as it sounds. :) I recommend keeping your meal plans and your grocery lists in one little notebook, that will help you stay organized and you can just build off previous lists.

      2) My number one piece of advice is to take it slowly. Build up your spice rack slowly (see below), and don’t feel that you have to cook complicated recipes right away (or ever). Maybe decide that you’re going to cook one new recipe per week (or every other week). Soon you’ll have a bank of easy recipes that you can rely on.

      3) To build up your spice rack, just focus on cuisines you like. If you know you like Mexican food, get cumin and chili powder. If it’s Italian, get basil and oregano. Etc etc. I consider myself a serious cook, and I only have a handful of spices — the flavor palates I like!

      4) Don’t forget about super easy “recipes.” Eggs and a baked potato is a great dinner. As is pasta with marinara and precooked sausage or canned beans or lentils. A good-quality canned soup and a piece of toast. One of my favorite super easy dinners, when I don’t feel like cooking, is a couple hard-boiled eggs with carrots and hummus and an apple with peanut butter.

      5) Don’t be afraid to take “shortcuts,” at least in the beginning. Trader Joe’s even sells frozen packs of cooked brown rice. Frozen vegetables are great and just as healthy as fresh.

      6) Remember that even things that sound complicated can actually be very easy. (And on that note, always feel free to leave out ingredients from recipes that you don’t have…I do that all the time.) Fried rice is so easy: cook veggies (e.g., onion, bell pepper, carrot), then add cooked brown rice and a couple eggs. Add chicken or shrimp or tofu or even beans if you want. Enchiladas are also super easy: cook a veggie mix (I like sweet potato and black beans), roll it up in tortillas with some salsa, then put them all in a pan and cover with more salsa and cheese, and bake in the oven for a bit.

      7) Learn the absolute basics first: brown rice or quinoa or other grains, roasted vegetables, whichever proteins you like. That’s a very easy meal structure: a grain, a protein, and a vegetable. Also learn how to make an easy soup or chili.

      8) Resources: I love recipes from EatingWell. It’s a magazine — they also have cookbooks and hundreds of recipes online. Cookie and Kate, Minimalist Baker, and How Sweet Eats are great blogs. The Kitchn and Food52 are great, too.

      Good luck. :)

        1. Meg*

          Baked sweet potatoes are the best! And you can even make them in the microwave…wrap in a damp paper towel and nuke for 5-8ish minutes, depending on the size, until you can pierce it easily with a knife.

    11. V. Meadowsweet*

      My Mum gave us Peg Bracken’s ‘I Hate to Cook Book’ :) (humour + cooking! :) ) and James Barber’s ‘Ginger Tea’ set of books (simple, tasty, quirky :) )
      I’ve enjoyed Delia Smith’s ‘How to Cook’ series too.

    12. danr*

      Chicken… a cornish game hen is two meals. Two chicken breast are two meals. Two great cookbooks: Keep it Simple from Bon Apetit (isbn 1-4000-4636-x). They give basic recipes and how to expand them. The complete cooking for two cookbook. From America’s Test Kitchen. Also, if you can find them, any of the 60 minute gourmet books by Pierre Franey. Many of the dishes are for two or four, but easily cut in half.

      Happy cooking.

    13. Billy Oblivion*

      I’ll chip in with just a few things:

      You can store rice and pasta in the refrigerator. Make extra, pull it out and use it as needed.

      Get a set of small 9″ x 6″ plastic cutting boards – like 5 or 6 of them – use ’em for cutting and chopping, then pop ’em in the dishwasher.

      Get a set of good sharp knives, too.

      Get a set of storage containers for leftovers ‘n’ stuff.

      You should always have on hand: ketchup, mustard, butter, olive oil, worcestershire sauce, tabasco sauce, bacon, eggs, onions, salt, pepper, sugar.

      Learn to wash as you cook. When you’re done with a pan, wash it immediately.

    14. Ann Furthermore*

      When I got married, I’d never really cooked before — and I was 37! I tried following cookbooks, but nothing really worked that well. So I started watching cooking shows on Food Network.

      I really learned a lot from those shows, like how onions and garlic are the base for just about everything, be careful cooking garlic on its own as it’s rather delicate and can burn easily, and even just salt and pepper can be perfect seasonings. Just seeing how things were done was such a huge help.

      I think my favorite was Rachel Ray. She gets a lot of grief for making heavy meals and serving huge portions, but at least she starts with real ingredients. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her open a can of creamed soup for anything. Her laid back approach to cooking and eyeballing measurements really took a lot of the mystery out of it for me. I started simply, and worked up from there, and now, just shy of my 10th anniversary, I’m a pretty awesome cook — and I love it.

      Here’s something super easy to start with: take 4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts and pat them dry. Drizzle them with a little olive oil, and rub it into the chicken breasts, and season with salt, pepper, and poultry or chicken seasoning (you can find it in the spice section of the grocery store). Do that on both sides. Put them into a 9 x 13 baking dish sprayed with Pam, and bake at 350 for about 35 minutes. Add a salad or some quick steamed veggies, and you have a super easy dinner!

      I plan out my meals every week (it’s my usual Saturday night activity — living on the edge) and make a shopping list. I spend much less at the store this way. I also buy smaller portions — like tomato sauce for example. Technically, it’s cheaper to buy a 15 oz can, but I usually buy 8 oz cans because most of my recipes call for 8 oz increments (so 1 or 2 cans), so I can use the whole thing, instead of putting what I don’t use into a plastic container, which gets shoved to the back of the fridge, which I forget about, until I discover it, all scary and funky, at a later point when I’m cleaning out the fridge and it gets thrown out anyway.

      Also, I buy frozen chopped onions too. They’re cheap, and a quick shortcut on weeknights when I need them. I cook them a little longer on their own to let the excess water evaporate, but it’s way quicker.

      One last piece of advice — go easy on the salt! You can always add, but you can’t take it away. I also always buy the lower sodium varieties of anything I can. It really is the stealth ingredient. You can add salt to taste and still end up consuming much less.

    15. Buu*

      First of all, don’t worry so much about “recipes”. A basic meal should be protein ( meat fish or eggs), Veg and carb ( I’d count potato in here). You can get bags of forzen veg which are super handy because you can take out qhat you want for that meal and cook them instantly.

      I’d consider getting a rice cooker/steamer ( look for ones that are both). You can cook rice, eggs , fish and veg in them really easily and best of they don’t burn!

      Also I hugely recommend one of those ” Cooking with 5 items or less” cookbooks for when you feel fancy and want to tackle a recipe..

      Good luck

    16. Sara*

      I swear by BudgetBytes – great, easy, inexpensive recipes. We sit down once per week and plan our menu (usually Friday evening after work) for the following week and shop on Saturday morning. We cook dinner 4-5 days per week and usually have enough leftovers for lunches and to fill in those extra 2-3 dinners. (Or else we’ll make a frozen pizza, “fancy” toasted sandwiches, eat out, etc.)

      I believe BudgetBytes does have some guides to shopping and stocking one’s pantry. When we run into a recipe that we want to try with spices or ingredients that are more unusual, we’ll usually bookmark it and come back to it in a couple weeks, or look for recipes on other websites that use the same ingredients so nothing goes to waste.

      1. Blue_eyes*

        Oh yes, how could I forget to mention Budget Bytes! She has great recipes, and I bet the step by step photos would be really helpful for someone new to cooking.

    17. AmyNYC*

      I like Real Simple magazine – on their website that have a lot of 20-30 minute “weeknight dinner” ideas. I made the shakshuka (eggs baked in tomato scale with kale, topped with feta) twice this week already!

    19. Madeye*

      Do you like Middle Eastern food? Things like Mujaddara, which is just lentils and rice topped with a salad, Fattoush, again a veg and bean salad and hummus are delicious and filling, and don’t need too many spices.

    20. ModernHypatia*

      One more cookbook rec – “Help! My Apartment Has A Kitchen” by Kevin and Nancy Mills (son and mother). I love it because it does ‘how do you do this thing’, and also has instructions for a bunch of things that many cookbooks assume you already know how to do. (Kevin is the main ‘voice’ of it, but his mom gives tips and asides, and notes on what cooking utensils you need and why and so on.)

      The recipes are rated from really easy to just easy, with pretty accurate time and prep notes, and they cover a lot of solidly useful basics, including different vegetables and baking and so on. And they’re not fussy about weird ingredients or things you’re only going to use in one or two recipes. (You can get an idea with the ‘look inside’ on Amazon.)

    21. Today's anon*

      There are cookbooks for quick dinners and those usually only use a few ingredients and are fairly quick. You might need some spice investment. There is a series Fresh Food Fast or something like that and that’s where I got started. It helped me look at other recipes and judge how complicated they were (or adapting them).

    22. themmases*

      Especially if you’re going to be living alone, or in a roommate situation where you won’t really be sharing food, don’t pressure yourself to cook every day. It just leads to buying produce that spoils and fancy ingredients that go bad in your pantry. When I lived alone, I found going to the effort to cook (especially in my cheap, tiny kitchen) so pointless if only I was going to eat it.

      Things you can make in batches are your friend. My partner and I do “Slow Cooker Sunday” all winter where we grocery shop Saturday, throw something together so our apartment smells amazing all Sunday, and then eat the result for lunch or dinner until it’s gone. We get variety out of it by eating a fancier version of the soup (with toppings, or wine, or nice bread) for dinner and the soup alone or with fruit or something for lunch at work. When it gets warm I make chickpea salads, which just contain heartier vegetables that won’t look gross after a day or two in the fridge, some cheese, and some dressing. Those can make a good side to a protein or topping to a traditional salad with greens for dinner, and stand alone at lunch. By the time either of these options run out, you only have to come up with a couple of stand-alone or convenience meals before the week is over.

      Another thing that really helps us is meal chains where you use a leftover ingredient the following day. For example, a favorite of ours is:
      Night 1: breakfast for dinner
      Night 2: BLTs with leftover bacon
      Night 3: big salads with leftover romaine and tomatoes

      Eggs help with everything. They are a cheap and relatively healthy source of protein, and they’re filling. They make a perfectly respectable meal any time, and they also revive leftovers. I’ve never made a vegetable that I didn’t like the next day heated up in a pan with eggs scrambled in. I don’t bother to add milk– they’re fine without it and I know I won’t use up milk anyway.

    25. BeckyDaTechie*

      Alton Brown. “Good Eats” was his cooking show; some episodes of it are on Netflix. He’s done at least 2 cookbooks too. Why I like him: he explains the science behind the food, and teaches basic skills (like how to cut apart a whole chicken) in laymen’s terms.

      An easy way to get around the sticker shock/overwhelming nature of recipes is to add the staple ingredients (flour, sugar, salt, olive oil, etc.) to each shopping list, one or two at a time. To make that list? Think about what you like the best, then find the ingredients they have in common. Our staples here include quinoa, brown rice, udon noodles, rigatoni/rotini/tortellini, red curry paste, basic jarred tomato sauce, butter, salt, garlic, cayenne, peppercorns, frozen bread dough, and frozen veggies. If I have those in the cupboard plus the oil, I can make at least 8 different dishes with a quick run for cheese and/or meat if Other Half wants it.

    26. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      Sofrito and Recaito are your friends. Easy way to add deliciousness to many things, without adding a bunch of ucky weird ingredients.

  30. Eden*

    Excellent choice in book recommendation: Matt Beaumont’s e is a funny, funny book! I have loaned it out a bunch of times. If you’ve ever worked in advertising, marketing, or (like me) graphic design, you will identify with the, uh, challenges. And I thought the ‘told in emails’ format might be off-putting, but it’s brilliantly done, so much so that you wonder why there aren’t many more like this. One of my all-time favorite hilariously wicked reads!

    1. Stephanie*

      Best: Today is my birthday!
      Worst: Light on hours this week at my job, so the paycheck will be smaller than usual. :(

      1. Blue_eyes*

        Happy birthday! I feel you on those hours. It was spring break this week for most of my students so I didn’t have very many hours. It’s nice to have a little free time, until that paycheck comes.

        1. Stephanie*

          Yeah, I work evenings, so it was nice to come home and not have to crawl into bed immediately (lest I wake up at 10 the next morning). But yeah…it’s like “Aaaand this check will be at least $50 smaller than last week’s.”

      2. C Average*

        Happy birthday! I hope you have a great day and an even better year! What flavor is the cake?

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            Happy Birthday!!! And carrot cake is also one of my favorites– I hope the frosting is made with lots of butter and cream cheese. :)

      9. Ruffingit*

        I’m a day late, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY (plus one day). Hope it was a great day for you Stephanie!!

    2. C Average*

      Best: I had a great experience doing a freelance piece. A few weeks back I reached out to an editor my mother has written for, and she assigned me a piece for one of the arts magazines she edits. It’s a profile of a painter. We totally clicked, we had a great conversation, I wrote a piece I know he’ll be pleased with, and the editor liked it. I’m hoping this will lead to more, similar assignments.

      Worst: Stepdaughter’s teen angst. It’s a new flavor every day. The really scary problems seem to have subsided–she’s eating well and communicating with us, albeit sometimes in grunts. She’s just so sour when she gets in one of her moods! I want to be sympathetic, but I also refuse to let her determine the emotional climate of the whole house with her moodiness.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        I don’t remember if you’ve posted that she’s in therapy/has someone to talk to/with. Of course, that depends entirely on family finances and willingness of the teen involved.

        But, if she doesn’t have one already, it might be a good idea to suggest she journal out her feelings. You could buy her a real grown-up special journal that she can do whatever she wants with. If there are trust issues from anyone in the family (or you think someone might be tempted to peek), then get her a sturdy toolbox that she can put a combination lock on to keep it safe. Yeah, there’s a thousand parents right now screaming that she’ll put other things in there that she doesn’t want her parents to find like Drugs! or mash notes from Boys! and that may happen. Or, she may just say a lot of unflattering things about all the adults in her life in fits of teenage pique that none of them really want to know anyway. Why the security? As some are aware just by viewing this thread, I had “special” issues with my mother and if she had handed me a journal and told me that I should start writing down all my thoughts and feelings that I had in it, I would immediately go into “It’s a Trap!” mode. So that’s more a reflection of knowing that I had no outlet for what I felt when I was a kid and that if I had, it wouldn’t have been honoured/kept private, even attempting to keep it private would have been a “why are you hiding this from me?” At some point, she would have gotten ahold of it, read it all and then spent a lot of time throwing it back in my face. Those of you who had diaries when you were kids and read them again as adults may be shuddering in horror now when you think back about revisiting your teenage self — but it was good for you to get that out in a way you needed to, even if it wasn’t fun seeing that again 20 years later. There’s something about taking your thoughts and writing them down so they actually exist in a physical way that’s very therapeutic. If you can’t deal with telling them to another person, paper doesn’t judge.

        1. C Average*

          She absolutely refuses to consider therapy, full stop. We would have to sedate her and drag her bodily to the therapist’s office. Which I’ve considered, but she’s bigger than me! I hope as she gets older she’ll come to understand that therapy is a useful tool for all kinds of people. Right now she associates it with the rather lame experience she had with a therapist in the wake of her parents’ divorce and at her mother’s insistence.

          She used to have a journal and her mother actually read it. That’s part of how we learned about the depth of her issues; I can’t say I’m 100% sorry that her mother read her journal. She and I don’t talk in a lot of detail–I seem to be able to have a lot of casual how-was-your-day? what-music-are-you-listening-to? conversations with her these days, but nothing much below the surface. I don’t want to jeopardize the frequency and openness of our communication by prying too deep. It’s a bit of a balancing act. So I don’t know whether she still keeps a journal and whether she’s resentful of her mom for reading it. I don’t get the impression she is; if anything, it seems to have brought the two of them closer, because now her mom has a window into how bad she’s been feeling and can give her the love she’s been looking for. They’re spending more time together and seem more affectionate, honestly, than they’ve ever been in the past.

          Overall, I think we’re on an upward trend. We’re being vigilant and present, and trying to give her space where she needs it and hugs when she needs those.

          1. Dynamic Beige*

            Poor thing. Such a violation to have another person read your journal without consent. I’m glad things are getting better or levelling out, I hope it continues in that way.

    3. Blue_eyes*

      Best: Saw the Decemberists live on Monday and it was an amazing show! They played pretty much all of my favorites and we had an extra ticket so we got to invite one of my best friends to join us.

      Worst: I was supposed to have a lot of free time this week (spring break for my students), but ended up being super busy, and hungry all the time (thanks Passover). The upside is that I was busy because I picked up some extra babysitting hours, so that will partially make up for my lost income from this week.

    4. Christy*

      Best: they’re going to post my job as a promotion with a ladder to one grade higher, and I should be able to relocate to Kansas City no problem!! Easily the best.

      Worst: a fight with my girlfriend I still don’t exactly understand.

      1. The Office Admin*

        Welcome to Kansas City(I think we’ve talked about KC before?)
        My husband and I finally found an apartment this week for our move to KC next month!

        2. Christy*

          yay! Care to share a neighborhood or complex? If you prefer you can email me at christyfromdw at gmail. I wish we could go apartment shopping already! We’re still probably a year from the move.

    5. Mimmy*

      Best: Nice weather, finally!

      Worst: Found out this morning that a lifelong friend’s dad passed away.

    6. BRR*

      Best: I got to see David Sedaris this week. While debating whether to buy a book for him to sign he came over to talk to the people selling the books and my husband got a picture with him unknowingly in the background.

      Worst: Work bad

      2. thisisit*

        oh you should have gotten a book for him to sign. i did that with my husband and we had the weirdest conversation with him, while he wrote a note in my book and drew a knife. with blood dripping off it. i will treasure that book always.

        (he was eating a super rare steak while book signing, so i assume/hope that was the inspiration….)

    7. Persephone Mulberry*

      Best: I made my first Etsy sale from a total stranger!!
      Worst: I did not get my act together and am now forced to withdraw from one of my classes because there’s no way I can earn a passing grade.

    8. The Office Admin*

      Best: I survived? It was a dull week in these parts… No, actually the best was finding out my husband won the Technical award for the app he and his team designed for his college & their senior project. It’s very cool and useful. I love it and am super proud of him and the hard work he puts into his schooling.
      Worst: The boss pulling money shenanigans at work again. He’s trying to turn my hair grey, it’s the only logical reason left.

    9. Trixie*

      Best: Met friend for coffee whom I almost never get to just hang out with. I haven’t made many real connections here but this person is definitely one of them.

      Worst: Stressing on employment stuff, then financial stuff. In that order.

        2. Billy Oblivion*

          It’s good news and bad news all wrapped into one. I asked for the job, and I’m happy to get it – but I can tell already that it is going to be “challenging”.

    11. ThatGirl*

      Best: I had the most brilliant moment of networking today. It made me really proud.

      Worst: everything else.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      Best: Well hell, I got nothing. Oh wait, I played Cards Against Humanity for the first time tonight with my meetup group OMG I loved it. So freaking funny. I can’t wait to play it again!

      Worst: The whole knee spasm ultimate pain thing (I posted about it in the Friday thread) and having to work like that. In fact, Friday was more like a Monday than Monday has been in a long time. Ugh. So glad it’s over!

    13. Steve G*

      Best: Got 4 interviews from 5 applications!!!!!!! (not sure if this has ever happened before in the world, BTW!)

      Worst: don’t really have on this week

    14. Ann Furthermore*

      Best: Booked a vacation to Hawaii in October, as discussed above.

      Worst: Really having trouble getting back into my daily yoga routine. I love doing it, it makes me feel better, helps me sleep better, so what is my problem??

    15. Claire (Scotland)*

      Best: went to London for a few days with my Mum, and we went to Hever Castle in Kent on Wednesday which was one of her bucket list things. She’s wanted to go for as long as I can remember and it was wonderful to see her experience it. We also went to the V&A, and to see The Play That Goes Wrong in the West End, and I got to meet one of my favourite authors unexpectedly at a signing at Forbidden Planet which I only found out about on the day.

      Worst: the train journey home from London. In a carriage crowded with two stag parties and a hen party , all headed for Newcastle for the weekend, drunk at 11.30am and drinking the whole way. One of the stag groups didn’t have seat reservations so they kept barging up and down the carriage seat-hopping, and arguing with the people whose seats they were in when those people boarded. Oh, and they had some sort of gas canisters, like the ones for soda machines, they kept trying to inhale from to get high.

      1. Apollo Warbucks*

        That’s sounds like a nightmare journey and Newcastle is a long way from London under those conditions :(

        The gas would have been NOS (laughing gas) it can be used in catering for making whipped cream, or inhaled for a bit of a buzz.

      3. Carrie in Scotland*

        I feel your pain on that, I’ve been on trains where parties have been on and it is awful.
        But sounds like you had a great time in London!!

    16. Sandrine (France)*

      Best part:

      Got a viewer (during my video game live streams) who “tipped” me 50 euros. I added him on Skype later (he was very generous with the team last month and is quite nice) and he jokingly told me that he actually asked a member of the team to ask me about my tipping alerter, so that they both could get my attention and see the silly face I’d make. The generous viewer just didn’t imagine I would almost get a heart attack o_o ! I went “whoah” , I went “thank you” and all the usual stuff, but I lost it for a little bit. Not that I don’t think my shows aren’t worth it, but he really surprised me on that one (and before that on the same day he even gifted me three video games on Steam… that guy is so nice o_o ) .

      (Small downside: he now has such a reputation of being generous that I have to remind people not to consider him like a wallet, ha)

      Worst:

      Fiancé came home with the mail yesterday. Didn’t think too much of it. He became kinda sulky in the evening and didn’t seem well. At some point he finally revealed that it was about paying a huge sum of money for some old debt he had in one go (he’s be paying it off as he could little by little) . He needs to call tomorrow morning to fix it, but if he gets told “no” , then we’ll have to be really really creative in finding the money. Ouch. No wonder he was in such a bad mood!
      (Small upside: At least I got to tell him that I wasn’t going to leave him all alone in this. For now the fact that we’re not married yet and that all the apartment stuff (lease, utilities) are in my name is good, but I just can’t avoid helping him. I mean, we’re going to get married so it’s about time he understood I’m with him for good, no matter how many mistakes I make :) )

    17. Merry and Bright*

      My best bit – I got a job offer at a non-profit agency I really wanted to work at. They have got funding for a new programme and they want me start by setting up the office admin system for them.

      (Second best bit – I bought a winning ticket for the Grand National yesterday. This is the only bet I place all year).

      Worst bit – I got my favourite suede boots absolutely soaked in an April shower.

      1. Merry and Bright*

        Wrong wording – I backed the winning horse. Still, shows how little I gamble!

    18. Elkay*

      I’m combining my best and worst – I did a 10K this morning so I have the post run high but I didn’t beat my PB so I’m a little sad. Also the weather was unco-operative, nice and warm but incredibly windy, there was one point where I felt like I wasn’t moving forward the wind was gusting so much and there was a hill, I was not aware that the course had a hill.

      1. Apollo Warbucks*

        Running up hill is my idea of hell, never mind a headwind too. If that’s what you were running against its no surprise you didn’t set a new PB

    19. Nashira*

      Best: After dropping my neurotypical act in front of her, my therapist agrees I likely have an autism spectrum disorder and gave me some leads on getting a formal diagnosis.

      Worst: I feel weird about it, despite knowing I needed to have the conversation, and I can’t really tell anyone but my husband and one friend! Argh.

    20. Jen RO*

      Best: (Orthodox) Easter today, so I am enjoying the 3 day weekend! (Almost 4, because I worked from home on Friday.) [We get the day after Easter off, not the day before.]

      Worst: This Wednesday’s two back-to-back meetings with my boss. He wants me to make a plan for making a plan…

      1. Jen RO*

        And spring is finally here! And I had a nice evening of Cards Against Humanity with some coworkers! Work was annoying, but last week was pretty good overall. SPRING!!!

    21. bridget*

      Best: used my REI dividend to buy a new backpack, and have a camping trip planned for two weekends from now. Also scored an awesome deal on a down jacket at Patagonia’s outlet sale.

      Worst: succumbed to my Terrible Work Habit where I sit on work and procrastinate projects that I’m not sure how to start. As a result, I have been anxious and stressed all week (completely unnecessarily) am currently at the office trying to finish it up (and even now I’m on AAM instead of just getting.it.done.).

    22. Windchime*

      Best: I am finally, finally, finally getting over my bronchitis. I’ve been sick since the last week of February and I just realized that I have hardly coughed at all today.

      Worst: My house looks like a bomb went off. I haven’t had any energy at all and now I’m kind of in a lazy groove where all I do is drink tea, knit and watch Netflix. Somehow I have to bust out of this.

    23. Cat's in the cradle*

      Best? Senior VP in a different department is actively recruiting me! And it sounds like a great opportunity. Worst? My boss is seriously unhappy about it and has been rude to me all week. Just makes me want to go even more.

  32. Cruciatus*

    For those interested, HBO is having a free weekend on most major cable/satellite providers. They’ll be running the previous season of Game of Thrones tomorrow starting at 11 EST, leading up to a brand new episode.

    1. The IT Manager*

      Thanks! I’m not into game of thrones, but I am in a new house with a new and empty DVR (and no HBO) so I just selected a bunch of movies to record for future viewing.

    3. Sunflower*

      On Comcast, all premium channels are free(HBO, Starz, Showtime, Cinemax). I’d recommend Party Down on Starz- HILARIOUS. I am finally watching The Knick on Cinemax. About halfway through the first season. Good so far, hoping it stays interesting.

  33. Ruffingit*

    What is the worst experience you’ve had when visiting/staying over at someone else’s home? I’ve had a few less than pleasant experiences, thought it might be interesting to hear about the experience of others as well.

    1. Graciosa*

      The family cat felt strongly that I was in her bed. She came in to protest my intrusion – loudly – at regular intervals all night.

      I woke up enough each time to notice, but she kept leaving before I decided it was annoying enough to drag myself out of bed and shut the door.

    2. Stephanie*

      I overflowed my friend’s toilet. Not intentionally. I used too much toilet paper and it completely flooded the bathroom and ran into his bedroom (bathroom was en suite), which was carpeted. So we then had to get a steam cleaner and vacuum. And then we had to run a fan to dry the carpet. Friend is a neat freak and kind of a germophobe (he’s mellowed since then) and it was just tense the rest of the day.

      1. the gold digger*

        Please tell me the friend at least had a plunger in the bathroom. Primo and I visited friends and he needed to plunge the toilet. Fortunately, the friend is Primo’s college roommate and best friend, so Primo just said, Dude, I need a plunger and hey, you really should have one in the bathroom, but it could be a little more embarrassing in other situations.

        1. Artemesia*

          We have plungers in our bathrooms now but that is because the guy who sold the place to us left them. But for the 25 years we lived in a a big house with 4 bathrooms, we just had one in the garage in case — and I think we never used it that entire time.

          1. Bea W*

            When I moved to my own place, my dad gave me some essentials, which included a plunger. He told me to keep it up in the bathroom. I still have that plunger. It has also come in handy for clearing up a clogged kitchen sink. I have only used it a handful of times in the last 24 years, but when you need one you really really need one!

    3. Mimmy*

      This was years ago, but a friend and I spent the night at another friend’s house …this girl and her family had well over TWENTY CATS!! Having them crawling around all over the place is not conducive to proper sleeping :/

    4. C Average*

      There seems to already be a cat theme here.

      A few years back I signed up to run the San Francisco Marathon. A friend who lives in San Francisco said, “Great! You should stay with me!” A few months later she sheepishly admitted she’d double-booked and would be out of town, but she sent me her door code and said I was welcome to stay at her place. So I did.

      The room I slept in had very high ceilings . . . and a ceiling-mounted smoke alarm with a dying battery. It beeped punctually every three minutes. My friend’s three cats, who had decided to sleep with me, got up and rotated position every time the smoke alarm beeped. In the middle of the night I actually got up on the dresser with a broom to try to knock the smoke alarm down and disable it, but the ceiling was still too high.

      I didn’t sleep at all and did not run a good race the next day.

      (Postscript: I’d hoped to qualify for Boston that day. Knowing that was unlikely, I opted to run it really easy and save my training for another race. The following weekend I found a tiny local marathon in a podunk town a couple hours away. I signed up on the day of the race and ran a Boston qualifier! So I got my BQ AND a good story. I was pretty happy with the outcome.)

    5. the gold digger*

      This was kind of my own fault. I stayed with a friend. Her husband and sons were out of town for a soccer tournament. I stayed in the teenage son’s room. My friend had not put clean sheets on the bed. Of a teenage boy. Who did sports. In a very humid state.

      I should have just said, “Hey – let me have a clean set of sheets – I will put them on the bed” – but I think I was so shocked that it hadn’t been done already that I was struck dumb. (The bed hadn’t even been made.)

      Also, the bathroom was not clean.

      I always clean the guest bath and put clean sheets on the guest bed and some chocolates and some bottled water and a stack of clean towels and little hotel soaps on the bed.

      1. fposte*

        Ew ew ew.

        My older brother’s bedroom was the only room on that floor, and I remember being able to smell the reek starting as I climbed the stairs. And he wasn’t particularly unhygienic or slobbish.

        1. Stephanie*

          Teenaged boys are just particularly funky at that age.

          Source: volunteering at a high school robotics competition with a narrow-hallwayed venue.

      2. Artemesia*

        Wow. Can’t imagine having guests and no clean sheets — and even if you cheated and let someone use sheets that had been slept on once, to have sheets slept on by a teen for a long time — oh ick.

      3. Pennalynn Lott*

        I stayed at my sister’s house back in January. She lives in Oregon and is very “natural”. Like, no deodorant natural. She let me sleep in her room while she slept on a couch downstairs because the house was a wreck (really, scarily dirty and hoarder-like) and the bedroom was the only thing she’d managed to tidy up during the four weeks from when I bought my plane tickets to when I arrived. Not only were there no clean sheets on the bed, but the duvet cover wasn’t washed either. I spent that first night in my clothes with my jackets and a coat over me, because I could *not* sleep in the armpit / sweat / old sex smell. Eew. Ick. Gross. And Sis actually seemed offended the next morning when I’d stripped the bed and the duvet, and asked where the washer was.

    6. Ghost Pepper*

      Not me personally.

      But a young lady was staying with her friend and her friend’s husband.

      In the middle of the night, the young lady awoke to find her friend’s husband standing there, watching her. He propositioned her. She obviously refused.

      The young lady never told her friend what the husband did.

        1. Catherine in Canada*

          That happened to my widowed mother when she let the job-hunting husband of a friend stay in her guest bedroom. She did tell the friend – completely destroyed the friendship – and didn’t tell me for years. (Just as well, I don’t think I’d do well in prison…)

    7. Ruffingit*

      I stayed with a family member for a couple of days in another state. The kitchen had no towels, not even paper ones so you could not wash your hands or do anything else with water there. In the bathroom, there was no soap and only one towel that had already been used by one of them. They wanted me to share a bed with their daughter, who was having her period so the sheets were bloody. I finally decided to just sleep on the floor in the living room and was very lucky to find a clean blanket on the dryer. I went to the dollar store and purchased some kitchen towels and soap. Another family member had accompanied me on this trip and at the airport as we were going home, we were sitting there and we both said at kind of the same time “Never again, hotel next time? YES!”

        1. Ruffingit*

          This was also the trip where a stripper sprayed me with breast milk. But that’s a story for another day ;)

      3. Pennalynn Lott*

        Same thing happened to me when staying with my sister. She expected us to share a towel. The one and only towel she owns. She didn’t own a wash cloth, or a dish/hand towel, either. Day One of my visit with her was a trip to Costco so I could buy towels and wash cloths. Who lives like that??

        1. Ruffingit*

          Right?! That is what I wondered. All I can say is that I will never stay there again and if I have to, I will bring my own soap, dishtowels and towels as well as a blanket and air mattress.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Roaches.

      I stayed with some friends once in CA while I was looking for a place. First off, there were three of us in one small room (bunk beds). The friends were sisters and they shared one bunk and I got the bottom. The place was completely packed with belongings and overrun with roaches.

      I sprayed the fuck out of my areas continually. Miraculously, they didn’t come with me when I moved out a few weeks later.

      1. 'Nuff Said*

        Ok, I take it back – this ties with the propositioning husband..and he’s on the same level as the roaches

      2. Stephanie*

        Similar story from that bad apartment I mentioned up thread. Mutual friend was in town. I couldn’t host him (I wasn’t getting along with one of my housemates at all and I knew a houseguest would make things even worse). So I tell him that I can’t really host him and he should stay with our other friend.

        I get a text from him while he was staying there: “I just opened my suitcase. A roach crawled out.”

      3. Merry and Bright*

        Ugh! I once slept in a hotel room in Switzerland that was overrun with mice. Reputation as one of the cleanest countries in Europe! And there were crumbs in the bed.

    9. Ann Furthermore*

      This was more embarrassing for me than anything else, but years ago my family and I stayed with some friends for Christmas (or something). Anyway, I’d been doing consulting work and living in hotels for a quite awhile. So I was accustomed to being pretty messy (my natural state) and having someone clean up after me every day. So this is how I behaved while staying at someone’s house. Got up, showered, left towels everywhere, didn’t make my bed, etc. Ugh. I realized about halfway through the day how rude I’d been, and then apologized profusely to the hosts for being so inconsiderate, and said clearly I’d been living in hotels for way too long. And then was a compulsive neat freak for the rest of our visit. LOL.

    10. Tau*

      I got swine flu! Ended up in a guest bed with a fever for something like five days, in a country where I didn’t have health insurance, while my friend called up all her doctor relatives in hushed whispers and tried to figure out if one could sneak me into the hospital.

      To be fair, this was not a problem with the friend’s flat and no one’s actual fault, but it definitely looms high in my mind as an experience not to be repeated. (Especially because this was a touristy city and I had been *planning* on sight-seeing. :/)

    11. Bea W*

      Many years ago I visited a friend in the mid-west. I stayed in his apartment sleeping in a separate bed. One night he climbed into my bed and started fondling me.

      He also had a huge pile of dirty dishes in the sink, unwashed for a long time. There was thing growing in there. I washed them all. So gross. I also managed to get some kind of briefly lived instestinal something, and sharted my pants as I was getting off the bus. We had just arrived at at a theater to see a show. I cleaned up as best I could in the bathroom, but I had to sit through the whole thing in shart pants and the risk it would repeat itself (I think it did).

      The same friend came out to visit me for a weekend and never left. Then he wanted me to lie to his parents about where he was or something. I don’t know. He was having serious emotional issues. After 2 extra days of this, I came home from work/school packed up his things, and waited for him to come home when I would tell him he couldn’t stay here anymore, and offer to take him either back to the train/bus station so he could go back to NYC or a hotel. I had expected him to be there when I got home. I didn’t plan to just be rude and pack his stuff. I empathized with his issues, but I was fairly recently recovering from addiction and trying to get back on my feet, and I couldn’t continue to play host to someone with bigger issues than I could handle. He didn’t come home that night. He’d been picked up by the police earlier in the day and ended up committed to a mental hospital, at least that is his story – that he had gone out for a walk during the day and the police stopped him and picked him up.

      I’m sure there is more to it than that, because having lived there and been in similar circumstances, the police don’t just pick up folks who look kind of down. He either went looking for help or he was acting suicidal or something. It was actually pretty sad. He did stay in town. My mother and I helped him get set up with social services and find a place to stay and get settled. I am glad I had learned to help while maintaining boundaries for myself, because in the end he pretty much tried to screw me over, was pretty thankless (literally never a thank you from him while he claimed he did it all on his own and complained I never thanked him for anything!) and we’re no longer friends.

      But yeh, worst guest experiences ever.

    12. Cath in Canada*

      Great thread!

      One of my flatmates in grad school invited me down to her parents’ farm for her birthday once. She’d hinted a few times at having had a less than rosy childhood, and I knew she had some issues with her parents, so I was somewhat hesitant, but it clearly meant a lot to her so I agreed. (Our other flatmate bailed at the last minute). The place looked gorgeous from the outside – a lovely old stone farmhouse in the Welsh valleys – but inside was another story. They bred dogs – these little long-haired chihuahuas, which are not my favourite breed – and had about a million cats. The puppies were actually quite cute, but not housetrained, and the family were apparently quite happy to have liquid and solid waste sitting around for days before finally clearing it up. They also cooked up their own dog food from, I dunno, entrails or something, and the smell was atrocious. Basically, the whole house reeked. I slept on the floor, which was so matted with cat fur that I may as well have slept on a cat, and their (lovely) old ginger tom cat would pat me gently on the face about once an hour, because he wanted me to wake up and pet him. I’m an animal lover, but it was all just too much (my own cats aren’t allowed in the bedroom). Plus her parents were outright weird, albeit in quite a charming way, and there was definite tension between my friend and them. And it rained the whole weekend, so we couldn’t go out hiking or anything, and there was nothing to do but sit in the stinking house, which didn’t seem to have any food in it.

      The drive back was also long and frustrating – my friend’s ancient car decided that it was going to stall every time we had to drop into 1st or 2nd gear. There were lots of traffic jams, so this was particularly annoying. It started while I was driving, and my friend decided to vent her frustrations about the whole trip by yelling at me for being an incompetent driver. Luckily, the car did the same thing when she was driving (turned out the timing belt was off).

      I have to say, it was an awful weekend, but it gave me a new understanding of that flatmate and an appreciation at how resilient she was to survive that house for so long!

    13. Pennalynn Lott*

      I’ve mentioned it twice already, but when I went to visit my sister in January was by far the weirdest “guest” experience of my life. Not only did she leave her sweat-soaked sheets and duvet cover on the bed… not only was the house a “Hoarders” episode in the making (including cat barf, pee, and poop all over the place; the urine smell alone made my eyes water)… but then she decided to go off with some friends she ran into when we were out to dinner on Thursday night, and didn’t come home until Saturday afternoon, at which point she went promptly to bed and stayed there until Sunday night at 8:00 pm. So there I am, in a virtual stranger’s house (we’re half-sisters and I’d only met her a couple of times before), several states away from home, don’t know a single soul, sitting alone inside a filthy house that doesn’t even have a TV, for several days. Big fun, lemme tell ya.

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        Oh, and the kicker is that she never apologized. She wanted me to be *happy* for her, that she’d had such a great time while I was twiddling my thumbs inside her house.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      This one isn’t that bad compared to what we are reading here. But it is weird.

      I went to stay at a family member’s house. I did not know everyone that well, but that was okay. I had a nice room with a private bath. Very nice. I crawled into bed for the night and went to sleep. In the middle of the night, I woke up out of a sound sleep. I was NOT alone in the room. There was a…um… spirit in the room with me. I am not a big ghost person and I don’t believe in putting up with the BS that people talk about with ghosts. That was my frame of mind for how I handled it. The spirit had something to say that felt very negative. I recognized the spirit, it was a departed family member. I was really ticked at being woken up, and I told her in no uncertain terms to drag her ass. To her credit, she left.

      I got up in the morning feeling kind of sheepish about being so harsh with her. I told some family members. I was told, “Oh, granny does that to everyone. We have been told that before. She died in that room. Yep, you just tell her to drag her butt, she’ll respect your spunk. She had lots of spunk.” Yeah, I guess so. I never felt her presence again.

      1. Connie-Lynne*

        Our family cat had malformed kidneys, and totally sprayed my little brother one time.

        So gross!

  34. Blue_eyes*

    Because I couldn’t think of anything during last week’s thread about things that other people do that bother you…
    1. Not wearing headphones when in public. If you are not in your home, or in your car, you need to use headphones. I don’t want to hear your music, listen to Dora find sh*t in the garden, or hear the little plinking sounds of your candy crush game.
    1b. People who listen to their music so loud you can hear it across the subway car even though they are wearing headphones.
    1c. People who sing along to violent lyrics as they walk past you. Dude, I’m 90% sure you’re just singing along, but if you could not mumble something that includes the words “kill a b*tch” as you walk past me in the dark, while I’m alone, that would be great.

    1. Steve G*

      and

      1D – the sad truth that many people think doing all of the above makes them look cool. No, being a teenager and singing along to violent/sexual rap songs in the subway doesn’t make you look tough, it makes you look dumb because you can’t think for yourself and listen to what you really want to, regardless of what others will think,

    2. INTP*

      Ugh, I do NOT understand music share-ers! There was one at my old gym. Like, there’s already bad music on overhead, did you just decide that I must not be overstimulated enough and need some competing bad music on top of it? (On a cardio machine or something I always have my own headphones but he went to the same yoga class as me and would play it out loud while we were waiting to go in, after I had usually locked my headphones in a locker.)

      But seriously, I have no idea what goes on in their heads that makes them think it’s okay. Do they think everyone enjoys their style of music? Or do they just care so little for other people’s comfort that they decide to do that instead of enduring the agony of wearing headphones?

      1. Clever Name*

        My theory is that they’re simply oblivious. Just like the people who stand in the middle of the aisle in te grocery store and only move alert you’ve politely said, “excuse me” 3 times.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        There’s one gym I go to when I can’t get to mine and I make them turn the music off in the track room. I can’t listen to mine and theirs at the same time–it makes me stabby.

        1. Steve G*

          I go to gym 3-4X week and I wish I could do this. When teenagers are working the counter at certain times and they play rap music from now with lots of curse words and “slap dat’ b***” type phrases…..I can’t take it

    3. Stephanie*

      I had to cover the morning shift recently, which starts at Oh My God o’ Clock. I’m sitting in the office and someone’s singing “Last Christmas” by Wham at the top of his lungs. It was maybe 4:45 am? At first, I’m thinking “It’s too early for ‘Last Christmas.'” I amended that thought to “Wait, no. There is no good time for that song.”

      1. Connie-Lynne*

        Did he maybe think he was alone, due to the hour? I have occasionally believed myself to be alone in the office and taken off my headphones to sing along … and then been embarrassed because, you know, turns out someone else was there.

  35. Ghost Pepper*

    Does anyone ascribe to theory that anything you do while you’re drunk is a manifestation of what you wanted to do all along?

    Examples:
    You and a (previously) platonic acquaintance get drunk and hook up. Does that mean you liked each other all along? Or was it simply the alcohol?

    You get tipsy and blow up at a long-time friend, saying a bunch of hurtful things. Again, just the alcohol, or what you were thinking all along?

    Does alcohol simply remove our morality/filter we have when we’re sober? Or does alcohol just make us stupid? Or both?

    1. Stephanie*

      I’m with you. I think it might just lower inhibitions.

      (I will say, I don’t full know how an alcoholic reacts with alcohol and that there may be way less control, so I’m just saying this for those without alcohol addictions.)

    2. C Average*

      I think it magnifies your personality. If you’re mean, you get meaner. If you’re dumb, you get dumber. If you’re funny, you get funnier. If you’re affectionate, you get more so.

      2. the gold digger*

        Yeah! My major experience with alcoholics is with my husband’s parents. Alcohol (and age) just make them more of who they are.

        I think serious illness does the same. My dad and several of my friends’ parents who have had cancer were still nice people even as they were close to death and suffering greatly. My dad never became a jerk.

        But I know other people (OK, my in-laws) whom pain just makes meaner. You are who you are and sometimes, the veneer is stripped off and then you really are who you are.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I’m a whiny asshole when I’m slightly ill and a sweetie when I’m really super sick or badly hurt. In fact, if I’m going, “Oh, it’s just a flesh wound; no, I’m fine; you’re so sweet to ask. Thank you so much; come here and let me hug you,” then get my ass to the hospital ASAP.

          1. Erin*

            I’m the same way. Paper cut = major drama. Need to go to ER = try to ignore the situation. Good to know it’s not just me!

        2. Steve G*

          I think the question is about occasional drinkers. I think drinking a little alcohol (occasionally) makes you “more of who you are,” but alcoholism makes you into a different person and changes your personality. I think people who drink more often have duller senses so need more of it to feel the same level of stimulation that other people normally feel, which changes their personalities over time…..

      3. Billy Oblivion*

        > it magnifies your personality

        Bill Cosby does a routine like this, about cocaine. He asks someone “so, what it is with this cocaine stuff? Why do people like it?” The response was “It intensifies your personality.” Cosby asks “But … what if you’re an asshole?”

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Robin Williams had a similar one about alcohol–“It brings out the asshole in everybody. ‘F*ck off!’ ‘Okay, Father Bob, you’ve had enough!”

          1. Cath in Canada*

            Strangely, I know someone who can often be pretty mean and inconsiderate while sober, but who turns into Florence bloody Nightingale after a couple of beers. I guess there’s an exception to every rule!

      4. Stephanie*

        A friend said she had never seen me really drunk. We go out another time and both get fairly drunk. I point out Wasted Stephanie and she’s like “Oh. You’re not that different. I can barely tell except that you’re enunciating a bit less.”

        I have no clue what that says about my personality and general demeanor. :)

    3. Merely*

      Judging from my personal experience, alcohol makes people more likely to act on thoughts that they’ve already had. It does not generate new thoughts. If I get really drunk with someone, I will tell them everything I’ve ever wanted to tell them but didn’t because I was too shy / it wasn’t appropriate / whatever. It’s no bueno.

      1. Kai*

        I am the same! There’s definitely a sweet spot, though. One or two beers = actually participating in the conversation, not sitting there sweating over whether or not to join in. Many beers = saying things I will likely regret later.

    4. AnnieNonymous*

      I don’t think it opens the floodgates for things you’re consciously thinking about doing, but I think it’s rare for drunk behavior to fall completely outside of one’s character and moral codes.

      1. TL -*

        Oh, I don’t know. I’m super pliable and very open to suggestion when I’m drunk, and that is not at all like me sober.
        I’m also a more cheerful version of my normally fairly upbeat self, though.

    5. Chocolate Ice Cream*

      I grew up with two alcoholic parents.

      After years of being around a variety of drunk people, including my parents, other relatives, and my parents’ friends, I suggest that no one look at alcohol for some sort of personal epiphany nor insight about humanity.

      It is a drug. Don’t ascribe anything more or less to it than that. You don’t wax on about Advil revealing some hidden inner self. If you really think it has some wonderful personality-enhancing properties, then I suggest a simple experiment. Try being the only sober person in a room full of drunk friends. When you drink, it impairs your judgement rapidly – both about your own behavior and the behavior of your fellows. When you’re sober, the antics of drunk folks aren’t nearly as entertaining as they are when you are also drunk.

      A drunk person is a dumber, more aggressive, more clumsy version of their sober self. The majority of bad behavior I’ve seen from drunks isn’t something they always wanted to do. It’s just stuff they knew not to do when sober. Keep them sober long enough, and they’ll show genuine regret over much of it (if they can remember it at all). That’s part of why it’s really hard to get help for a person with an alcohol abuse problem – when they’re sober they’re fine, but when they’re drunk they turn into this monster that doesn’t resemble the person you know sober at all. You always want to believe the drunk monster is locked away for good this time, once they sober up and apologize.

      People who are drunk sometimes use it as a cultural excuse to do things they wanted to do but otherwise wouldn’t – but that’s because our culture tends to give drunk people an incredible amount of leeway to behave badly. It isn’t actually some profound effect of alcohol – it’s a dumb cultural allowance we make. It’s a “boys will be boys” type of nonsense, a lower social standard applied automatically to any behavior after you’ve had a drink. It’s considered a completely reasonable and blameless excuse for anything from minor vandalism to violent assault.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        “You don’t wax on about Advil revealing some hidden inner self.”

        Actually, I noticed when I first started using Advil that I felt better. Not in a “Oh thank Gawd, my pain is gone!” way but in a genuine lighter mood way where I felt happier than before (I don’t get a lot of headaches, I use it mainly for menstrual issues). So much so that I mentioned it in passing to someone I knew who was working for BigPharma that makes it and they confirmed that in testing there was a percentage of the population who reported similar feelings. I think (IIRC) that they were looking at what part of the compound might be responsible for that mood elevation as a new anti-depressant. I don’t know if anything ever became of it but I so would have signed up for that clinical trial.

        1. C Average*

          A friend and I have this ongoing thread of conversation about how much effect physical discomfort has had on the course of history. We’ve wondered, for example, whether a national leader fighting off a headache might’ve signed a peace agreement he didn’t really like rather than negotiate, just to end a meeting. Or how many bills got rushed through committee because the committee chair really, really needed to pee. That kind of thing. Obviously we’ll never know, but I’ll bet various historical figures’ minor discomforts has had some net effect on historical events.

          1. fposte*

            Oh, that’s really interesting. I think of that about JFK sometimes, since he had both horrible back problems and probable IBD. (Whoo! My POTUS twin!) Pain is a mind-altering drug in its own right.

            1. Steve G*

              FPoste – have you ever heard of the FODMAP diet? It is new (I think). Look it up. I used it successfully for acid reflux/indigestion, but I understand it helps with all issues.

              C Average – it would be very interesting to get information on this topic. I thought about this one when I was having health issues (recovering from a really bad case of ecoli) in college and I had many moments of mental brilliance and long study sessions despite/because of the pain going on. I think that if I had been perfectly healthy that year, I would have coasted more, because I would have had a sense of well-being. Feeling like crap all of the time had me feeling like things weren’t OK, and I overcompensated for it by throwing myself into work and school.

          2. the gold digger*

            Isn’t there a rumor that Napoleon lost at Waterloo because his hemorrhoids were bothering him and he couldn’t sit on the horse and see what was happening on the battlefield?

      2. fposte*

        I think people do talk about other drugs in that way, though; ibuprofen just isn’t one of those drugs. Alcohol isn’t the only substance that depresses the central nervous system and lowers inhibitions, after all. Hell, I was hugging people at work during my first week of Lyrica. And I don’t think people are saying it’s the key to the truth here, and I agree with Steve G.–the alcoholic brain is a different thing than the non-addict on alcohol.

        I do kind of reject the premise, though. The depressing of your filters doesn’t mean what you want when you’re drunk is something you wanted when you’re sober and you’re only just giving free rein to it; you can develop a want when you’re impaired, too (hence the notion of beer goggles). Maybe you felt like that all along, or maybe you just developed that lust or anger after the third glass.

        1. INTP*

          Very true. And not just psychotropic drugs. I remember when I was a kid, I had a cousin who would get very irritable when she had to use her asthma inhaler. All the parents would explain to me and the other cousins that she didn’t mean anything, she just had to take medicine that put her in a bad mood. On the other hand, I would get so crazy on benadryl that my mom has said she literally preferred when I had a stomach virus over an allergy attack because cleaning up my puke was more pleasant than dealing with me on benadryl, lol. Drugs can affect personality, mood, and behavior – that’s just how it works.

          The differences between the addict and non-addict brain on alcohol are interesting to me. I have alcoholic genes most likely – I have family history on both sides – and I also get pretty out of character when drunk, even though I’ve never had a physical dependency on alcohol. I actually don’t have a problem with moderation at home but I’ve stopped getting drunk socially. That makes me wonder if maybe the odd behavior doesn’t result from the addiction so much as it’s correlated with a predisposition towards addiction.

      3. BeckyDaTechie*

        ACoaA here too, and this is pretty much what I was going to say. Getting drunk punches holes in the filters of casual drinkers, and flips the Jekyll and Hyde switch between Drunk Parent and Sober Parent. Uncle Marty who goes out twice a year accidentally tells the waitress that she’s got really nice boobs and calls the restaurant the next day to apologize; Uncle Jim is his customary table-dancing, pants dropping, obnoxious jerk self and goes back two nights later because “They freakin’ LOVE me there!”

    6. Treena Kravm*

      I think it really is all about inhibitions. Those inhibitions can be societal, moral, or just personal shyness. To take your examples, the drunk hook-up. Does that mean you like each other? Not necessarily. But you had a sexual urge and the lowered inhibitions allowed you to be bold and go for the first kiss or whatever initiated it. The problem is that consent gets tricky. Because it’s not just lowered inhibitions, it’s also less cognitive functioning. So it’s much more difficult to ascertain whether ot not the other party is truly into it.

      The saying hurtful things is probably something you were thinking all along (assuming ,”You never do x” as opposed to commenting on something happening just that night).

      tl;dr both.

    7. matcha123*

      I think that what we do when we are drunk is a reflection of what is culturally acceptable. Alcohol is a depressant, it makes you sleepy. In American culture, it’s somewhat acceptable to do some crazy things while drunk. If our culture didn’t allow it, then we’d all just drink and fall asleep.

      Personally, I don’t think drinking makes people anything. I think it gives them the *excuse* they need to act a certain way. I’ve been very, very drunk a number of times in my life and didn’t engage in crazy behavior because I made the decision not to do that. I’ve had only water or soft drinks at times when the people around me were drinking and I got “drunk” along with them through their moods.

      1. Bea W*

        I always went out with friends and there was always at least one person who stayed sober (to drive) and we always went as a group because of safety. I have found for some people there is a point at which their decision to not get crazy goes out the window. The trick is knowing how much you can drink before you get to the point where you are dancing on the table with a lampshade over your head.

    8. INTP*

      I think it varies by person. I know I get VERY out of character when drunk, especially in social settings. I get super extroverted when I am normally the person who will drive to a further grocery store just to be able to use a self-checkout and not interact with a cashier (not extroverted like I’m just a little more outgoing due to lowered inhibitions, but I will close a party down when I’m normally among the earliest to leave). I’m also really loud and obnoxious. Sometimes I tell ridiculous lies. I have no real desire to be/do any of those things (except maybe the lying – maybe the filter that stops me from making up stories for fun goes away).

      If two previously platonic people hook up…they could have had an underlying attraction. But it also could be that they were drunk and horny and the other one was there. Or that one took advantage of the other’s drunkenness to get laid, because people are often more compliant and susceptible to pressure when drunk.

      All that said, sometimes true things really do slip out. Only the person that said them can know. And I think most people don’t seem to get really out of character when drunk – that’s just something that happens to a minority of people who probably shouldn’t get drunk – so if you’ve never seen a friend behave really strangely while drunk, I’d err on the side of assuming it was what they thought deep down all along.

    9. Bea W*

      Yes and no. Being drunk does impair our judgement and essentially does make us stupid, and people do things they wouldn’t normally want to do, not just things they want to do but wouldn’t do for moral or safety reasons. I have been really appalled by things I have done or said while under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

      The hooking up part – alcohol just makes me horny as heck. When I’m drunk I want jump anything that moves, total strangers. (Luckily, have managed to avoid making mistakes like this by being smart before going out with friends to drink!) – So no, hooking up with someone doesn’t mean you liked them all along, certainly not when we’re talking about complete strangers. It’s chemistry more than emotional.

      I’m not an affectionate person, but give me enough to drink and I might just be making out with you on a dance floor. :-/ I am pretty sure this happened to my grandmother as well…based on stories and family history. My brother is normally very reserved and quiet, but he doesn’t shut up when he’s drunk. He’ll just keep talking and talking and talking. I’ve seen normally kind people get mean and mean people get all friendly. I really think it has more to do with chemistry and how your body reacts to alcohol than personality, and those people who get meaner or more affectionate than normal are more coincidence than having traits or personality magnified. I’d be interested to see a study on this, linking personality traits and non-drunk behavior to drunk behavior.

    10. Sunflower*

      Both. I think it’s about being drunk= not caring about consequences. The majority of the time we don’t do things we think about doing because we don’t want to deal with the consequences. If you hook up with a friend, I don’t think it means you wanted to hook up with the friend the whole time. I think, in general, most of us have thought about what it would be like to hook up with our friends of the opposite gender. Does that mean we want to or would do it? Heck no! Because the consequences of just trying it would probably outweigh the benefits. But you get drunk, and the idea of dealing with consequences goes out the window.

      Maybe you’ve had a lot of pent up aggression towards a friend. You don’t say anything sober because it’s not worth the consequences. But you’re drunk and all of a sudden, you don’t care. Maybe it’s because people know they can blame it on being drunk.

    11. Clever Name*

      I’ve heard that alcohol is a personality amplifier. Last time I got drunk I argued (in a good-natured way) about who is a bigger nerd (me or her) and I also proclaimed that I’m the smartest person I know. As one of my friends said later, it was epic.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      I think that alcohol encourages a person to live just in the present moment with no thought to the near future, i.e. tomorrow. People lose their ability to see cause and effect relationships. “If you do x then y will happen”, no longer registers with them.

      I am not clear on the difference between losing our filters and being stupid. The net result is the same. And really, that is more like splitting hairs, because if you are doing something stupid then you HAVE lost your filters.

      The problem in the examples here is in the hook up example it is too easy to hope it is real life stuff and in the argument example the tendency is to hope it is the alcohol. The common factor is alcohol in each scenario. Here’s the key- there is no way to know if the hook-up or the argument are real or not. This is the problem with alcohol because it can go either way and there is no way to know for sure.
      Growing up with an alcoholic I quickly learned that life with a drinker is all smoke and mirrors. There is NO way to tell what is real and what is alcohol driven. My rule of thumb has been never have sex with a drunk person and never argue with a drunk person. These are two very good ways that I could end up really hurt.

      For more please Google Adult Children of Alcoholics. ACAs are very good at developing rationale to compensate for the drinker’s inconsistent behaviors. It’s pretty normal for an ACA to write off one behavior as alcohol driven and then randomly decide that another behavior is based on real and sincere feelings. The problem here is the ACA is deciding what the drinker thinks. And there is no way anyone can truly decide what another person thinks no matter if they are drunk or sober.

  36. LindaSue*

    So, hey, internet strangers… I’m a single woman, almost 39, support myself with extra to spare, though I am by no means rich. (Well, I guess by some people’s means rich, but I live in a nice area of LA in a one-bedroom apartment, and most of my money goes to rent and other living expenses.) I don’t have a significant other anywhere on the horizon, and I’m beginning to seriously consider adoption as a single mom, perhaps starting the process the year I turn 40. Has anyone gone through the adoption process and want to share? Any single moms on here, maybe by choice? I mean, I would prefer to have a kid with a partner, but I can’t make that happen, so I am choosing to consider this an alternative. I’m not sure what I am looking for. I guess I’m most curious how you balance work and a kid, without any sort of support system. Do you have live-in help? Do you have family nearby? I have a lot of friends but none I would really recruit for childcare support, and no family on this entire coast. Also, did you go through agency, do domestic or international, or choose to foster? I’d love to hear any experiences you may have and feel comfortable sharing.

    1. BRR*

      I don’t know the details but one of my coworkers is a single woman who used a sperm donor. I believe she has a nanny during the day. That’s probably not terribly helpful but I wanted to throw out there that somebody is doing it.

    2. LibbyG*

      I was mustering my courage to pursue adoption through the foster care system as a single parent right when I met my spouse. So I didn’t go on that path, but when I was envisioning it I found a great book: Single by Chance, Mothers by Choice. It’s a very readable sociological study of single mothers by choice. The interviewees in it address a lot of the questions you pose. Good luck! I hope you can quickly make a plan that you feel great about!

        1. LMW*

          There’s a Single Mother’s By Choice website and forum that I highly recommend. I just joined a few months ago when I began thinking about this route too and the community on the forums is so helpful and supportive and full of information.

    3. Awful Waffle*

      One of my good friends adopted a child around the time she turned 40. She was in a very similar situation (good job, no significant other, etc.). She did the “foster to adopt” route.

      She is happy she adopted but I don’t think she was prepared for how much work it having a child is on her own. For example, she has a few family members who live in the same city, but her parents live several states away. She thought her in-city family members would really help her out but they haven’t at all. That was very disappointing to her. It turns out many of them were very against her adopting because of the whole not married thing.

      Another thing is her son not having a male figure in his life. It really bothers her. The male family members in her life haven’t “stepped up to the plate” so to speak and it’s very hurtful to her.

      Financially speaking, she has a good paying job and a house and she still struggles with child care expenses. In our state, you do get some government funding if you foster or adopt, so that helps.

      And dating? Well, since adopting she has dated very little. When she was in the process of adopting, she had some real jerk give her a hard time.

      Because it’s just her, she pretty much has no life. She works and takes care of her son. When we hang out, I usually go over to place because it’s easier. I don’t mind because I love my friend and her son but some friends would get tired of it.

      I’m not trying to scare you but I think it’s very important to prepare yourself going into the situation. If you have a lot of support from parents and family members, I think it helps tremendously.

      1. C Average*

        At the risk of sounding a little mean, I want to speak for the people who don’t “step up to the plate” in these situations.

        I see a lot of childless people wanting, in a general philosophical kind of way, to be supportive of their friends with children.

        And I see a lot of people with kids who, far away from their families, want to create surrogate extended families in their circle of friends.

        And I see resentment on the part of parents that their kidless friends are often unavailable and just aren’t that much help–they can only take the kids in small doses, they dodge invitations to kid birthday parties, they prefer adult-only nights out necessitating a babysitter, etc. These people rarely become the fun, accommodating Aunt Jane or Uncle Wakeen that the parent had envisioned.

        Here’s the thing, parents: your kidless friends are often kidless because they’re not great with kids, don’t want to kid-proof their houses, and prefer to spend the bulk of their time with adults. They’re not there as respite care for your cute but exhausting child! And if that’s the relationship you expect, you’re going to be disappointed.

        If you want a strong backup system so you can continue to enjoy kid-free activities from time to time, budget for a good babysitter and establish a relationship with either a sitter in your area with fairly open availability or an agency or service that provides sitters. Or hire a nanny. Don’t get mad at your friends and/or family for refusing to offer these services for free. It’s not cool.

        1. Awful Waffle*

          As usual, I’m totally agree with you. :)

          I probably should have clarified that my statements above were coming from my friend’s perspective, not my own. I think what was so disappointing to my friend is that she was extremely close with her in-city family pre-adoption and now, they’ve pretty much have a non-existent relationship. I really think she expect that family and friends would “rally around her” to help and for the most part, they have not. I think it’s all about expectations and I think her expectations of others were a little too high.

          Sometimes I want to say to my friend, “This is the path you chose and you can’t expect others to help out/support, etc. It’s nice if they do but just don’t have the expectation that they will celebrate your choice.” Of course, I don’t actually say this because it’s none of my business.

          FWIW, I’m childless but do what a child eventually. I don’t enjoy going to children’s birthday parties because, well, it’s kind of awkward for me since I don’t have a kid and honestly, it’s not a lot of fun for me to be around a bunch of kids for hours. I know I have hurt the feelings of some of my friends because I haven’t attended their kids’ birthday parties, but they seem to have gotten over it. And I admit that I don’t really enjoy going to dinner with babies and toddlers and will often decline invitations to do so, or plan other activities where it’s unlikely my friend will bring their child. Luckily, my friends who are parents understand and accept this.

        2. LMW*

          I know I’m late to the conversation here, but just wanted to throw out there that many cities have single mother groups, which might be a good way for the friend to connect with others going through a similar experience. I’ve noticed that a lot of my friends who are mothers start making more friends with other mothers once the kids are school age — it’s just those first years are very isolating if you don’t have people who want to spend time with you and your kid.

          1. NacSacJack*

            Lets not forget the single fathers. I plan to adopt too and I am kind of frozen right now. I’m putting out more money than I have per month to pay off the debt I owe my ex who didn’t want kids. Lets not go down that road unless you want to hear how stupid I feel. :)

        3. Kerry (Like the County In Ireland)*

          Also–I love my sister’s kids and I do a lot with them, and if I had a car/lived closer I’d do still more with them. But if my sister were less grateful about my help, more micromanaging about how we spend our time, and generally jerky about things–I’d limit my involvement. Before her kids were born my sister and I had a more contentious relationship, but their presence has smoothed the way for us to be better friends.

    4. Connie-Lynne*

      As a birthmom, I’d encourage you to also look into the rules for the state in which you plan to adopt. They change a lot, but when I placed my daughter 20-ish years ago, single people could not legally adopt in CA. In OR, they could. LGBT people are considered “single,” even in committed long term relationships.

      The other thing is to thing strongly about what kind of adoption you want. I went with a “cooperative adoption,” which allows visitation rights (open adoptions do not, by default). Many birthmothers aren’t even aware this exists, and most are not in a good place to be able to research their rights. If I hadn’t had a friend who had recently placed her child, I wouldn’t have known either, and frankly the not-knowing would have eaten me up inside my first year. Being able to visit and see for myself that her adoptive parents did not secretly turn into axe-murderers or child abusers made me far more confident about my decision to relinquish, and it made things far easier for her when she decided at 18 that she wanted to have a long-term relationship with me.

      Finally, I encourage you, if you are meeting with prospective birthmothers at all, remember that they are persons in their own right, not just vessels for the baby. It is so frustrating to be treated over and over like you’re nothing more than an oven or an incubator. The parents I chose were the _only_ people who wanted to know about me, my life, and my hopes and dreams. Everyone else just wanted to hear about the pregnancy, the pregnancy, how was my health during the pregnancy, PS I hear you’re pregnant, etc. That, to me, said a lot about how they approach and deal with other people — all those families who saw me as only a vessel were pretty clearly more focused on their desires than on anything else.

      If I hadn’t found T&J, I probably would have decided to keep my daughter, because honestly they were the only people out there who behaved as if I were a person making a decision, as opposed to a poor downtrodden waif being saved from the consequences of her immoral behaviors.

  37. infj*

    My brother is getting divorced. I’m just trying to keep my nose out of it. But they live immediately next door and rent from me. She keeps sending him to sleep at our place. she has dragged everyone she can into it-flipping out at his work, constantly calling our mom, Etc. I assume that this is her last ditch effort to get me involved somehow. I just wish she would go away. She’s not staying there and kicking him out. Period. In the meantime, im not sure what else i can do for my brother or really how to navigate my relationship with her. Any advice or words of wisdom?

    1. fposte*

      Whoa, that’s a lot to have going on right next door to you. I don’t know if she’s necessarily sending him over to get you involved–it also seems the likely place he’d be going if she wants him out–but then I don’t know her. Do you have any kind of a written lease with them? Do you know what the laws are in your area regarding default leases if you don’t? I doubt that she could just legally kick him out in this situation, or that you’d be required to keep renting to her after the lease ends even if he was living in your place.

      Aside from that, I think your instincts are good; help your brother, keep your head down, and don’t engage. (I’m presuming no kids.) Sorry that you’re having to deal with this.

      1. infj*

        You’re right. He would come to my place if they were having problems-regardless of the drama. I should not make this about me. there are enough emotions without me contributing.

    2. Dynamic Beige*

      He’s your brother and you need to sit down with him when she is not around and have a straight talk about what they are doing. The kind of talk where you want to have alcohol, but can’t. I assume this is new/something bad has recently gone down because she is flipping out so much (i.e., he’s had an affair and she’s just found out)?

      Because that’s the first thing, she’s got to leave. I’m kind of half surprised she hasn’t figured out that in a situation where they are renting from her BIL, she is going to be on the losing end of that and be the one who has to leave — even if her husband is a louse who cheated on her. Even if your brother has been an ass, you are going to take his side (barring any other huge deal breaker factors). Maybe they are in the process of working that out — it’s not always easy to find a new place to rent. Maybe you’re going to have to step in as landlord and be all “these disruptions have got to stop. If you can’t live together, here’s a list of new apartments. Otherwise, I’m going to cancel the lease/whatever you can do as a landlord to remove them both” Honestly, a little righteous anger the next time he shows up with his pillow and throwing him back might be what they both need.

      Your brother has got to put on his big boy pants and start doing something to end this relationship. It is not fair for you/your family to be constantly giving him a couch to crash on. This is not your mess to clean up, it’s his. You can support him with whatever help he asks for — lists for movers, borrow your truck to help her move out, a shoulder to cry on when he needs it (a list of attorneys for the divorce) but you are not his parent, you can’t fix this for him. The sooner he sits down with his wife and they really discuss the next steps — with a neutral third party mediator if necessary — the sooner everyone can get start to get some peace.

      What your brother chooses to do about her showing up at work and causing a disturbance is up to him. It may not be her intention to get him fired, but that could be the end result if other employees are feeling threatened by her. Whether he instructs his employer to call the cops as it might wake her up or tell her that that might happen if she continues on like this is up to him.

    3. AnnieNonymous*

      There are aspects of this that will eventually resolve on their own. I doubt the wife will want to rent from and live next door to you for all eternity. That said, you need to explain to your brother that because you’re his landlord AND neighbor, you’re setting limits on what he can expect from you…and that if he keeps defaulting to crashing at your place because you’re so close, and if he tries to get you to pull any funky business with the lease to kick his wife out, you’re going to have to turn a blind eye to everything and stop helping him.

      Keep in mind that usually when couples are on the brink of splitting up, the landlords don’t find out this early on. Try to resist the temptation to act on this information before it’s appropriate, even if you think it would help your brother.

    4. infj*

      No kids in his house. One in mine. I think that they never really had a good relationship and it just got more and more toxic. Though my brother also acted like an ass. It would take lots more than that for me to not take his side. I basically thought she was ok. But she has always had a tendency to air her dirty laundry to everyone and be shockingly immature under stress. i had a civil conversation with her this evening-we both talked to/about my kid for a few minutes.

      I think ill stick to my personal tendency to keep quiet and observe. He can get a roommate or i can rent the place out for may 1 with no problems.

      Oh and yea- i did it all wrong. No lease with them. The whole nine yards.

      1. AnnieNonymous*

        If there’s no lease, give them 30 days (60 if you’re feeling kind) to move out. You can always let your brother move back in on his own, but make sure you have him sign a lease this time. Make sure the legalities of that are Kosher first though.

        1. fposte*

          Right, in many places no lease means it defaults to a statutory time–and it’s pretty unusual that it would be legal to kick somebody out with under a month’s notice. Check the law in your area before you act–you really don’t want for this to bring you even more trouble.

  38. Anonsie*

    So this was a long time ago, but whoever it was that suggested kefir and orange juice mixed as a filling breakfast drink? You’re awesome because this is 1) really filling and 2) DELICIOUS. I’ve been drinking it for months now and I realized I didn’t follow up to say thanks to the person who recommended it, but now I don’t remember who it was…!

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I was going to say this same thing to whoever posted the recipe for chia pudding. I keep making it for brekkie at work and I like it. I add frozen fruit, honey, and sometimes a little vanilla to it. Except every time I eat it, I mentally go, “Ch-ch-ch-CHIA!” :)

    2. Artemesia*

      I don’t know if it was me, but maybe. I have a slug of that fiber powder, OJ and kefir every morning — and it is super quick, filling and the easiest way to get a holt of fiber. I used to use yogurt but it is more work to blend — the kefit and OJ just meld with a quick whisk with a spoon.

      1. Anonsie*

        Might have been! Doesn’t seem common, I tried to google it once and all I got were ways to use citrus to curdle milk into kefir.

  39. Trixie*

    Seeking product recommendations for color-treated hair. I know quality shampoos or cleansing conditioners can better prepare hair to hold color pigments longer. Any recommendations?

    1. The Office Admin*

      How often are you shampooing your hair? Can you cut it down to two or three times a week?
      I shampoo my hair three times a week, rinse it every day. It’s curly and naturally dry texture and any more than that kills it.

      1. Trixie*

        She (my mother. 65) has backed off the daily shampooing but still uses hair dryer almost every day. Her at home coloring routine just doesnt’ last as long as salon. I’m sure there are better cleansing conditioners she could be using. Maybe Wen?

    2. danr*

      My wife uses the Wen cleansers. She has highlights and her hair was damaged due to a serious illness. She swears by it now. Her advice is to get it from qvc since they have the best prices.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I shampoo twice a week and condition every day. Use low or no-sulfate shampoos and conditioners–they won’t strip the color as fast (I do red and it’s the color that fades the fastest). L’Oreal makes one I like.

      1. Merry and Bright*

        Is that L’Oreal Vitamino Color? I use it but order it online as nowhere local to me stocks it. It smells nice too!

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I hobbled into the loo and looked–it’s EverPure Sulfate-Free Color Care system. The conditioner smells like peppermint–it’s a little strong. I might try yours if I can find it. I use the Garnier argan oil in the little spray bottle to tame it down. Just a little squirt on your hands and run them through your damp hair. You can get it at Boots.

    4. Delyssia*

      I swear by using a color-enhancing shampoo (as in, one that actually deposits color), but I actually have to wash my hair every day. For those who don’t shampoo every day, there are color-enhancing conditioners as well, but I don’t have as much experience with those. I currently use Tressa Watercolors shampoo, but I know Aveda makes some good ones as well.

      1. Marcela*

        Oh! I can see the light! I’ve been trying to convince me to dye my hair, but I’m actually very lazy, and I can see myself one month without grays and the next with salt and pepper hair. Color enhancing shampoo can be the answer to my prayers. Thanks.

    5. Claire (Scotland)*

      The Aveda shampoo and conditioner I am using is expensive, but it’s doing a better job of protecting my recently dyed (dark purple with brighter purple slices) hair than anything I’ve ever used before. It’s their one for coloured hair, can’t recall the exact name.

      2. Connie-Lynne*

        I love the Aveda for my hair. I have dark blue with lighter blues and some purple. I think it’s called “Color Stay?” I use it once a week; it takes me about six months to go through a bottle so it’s well worth the expense.

    6. CourtneyH*

      I’ve had great success using Pureology sulfate-free shampoos. I find my color doesn’t fade when I use it. I tried a lot of sulfate-free shampoos and had a hard time with them because a lot of them didn’t lather up–but Pureology does. I’ve given bottles to my two sisters, both of whom color their hair, and they have had the same results. It can be a little pricey, but well worth it!

    7. Sunflower*

      I try to not wash my hair- like 2-3 times a week is enough(dry shampoo or baby powder to keep the grease minimal). I use Dove for color-treated hair and it works really well. I got a gloss that was supposed to wash out after 3 weeks. 7 weeks later and I still have some of it left!!

    8. Windchime*

      I used to buy the fancy salon shampoos but now I just buy Kirkland color-safe shampoo and conditioner at Costco. I have some brightly-colored highlights (as well as all-over coloring) and I haven’t noticed any problems with the Kirkland shampoo. I love the way it smells, it’s cheap, and my color still looks good. Plus it’s a gigantic pump bottle instead of a tiny little salon bottle, so it lasts forever.

      I use Fekkai glossing cream to kind of smooth things out after blowdrying, and cheap hairspray (I think it’s Suave?).

    9. Anonsie*

      After trying a lot of cheaper alternatives and the old standby Pureology, I have to grudgingly say the best one I’ve ever tried is Aveda’s Color Care line. Expensive and annoying to find, but really fabulous. I go from a dark brown to a light gingery red and nothing keeps the red in like Aveda’s line.

    2. Clever Name*

      My desk was in a similar location at my last job. My desk was in an open area just outside my boss’ office. I could see him out of the corner of my eye. I also didn’t have enough work to do and had been reprimanded for being on the Internet (after I had begged and begged for more work and was told there was no more and to stop asking). When boss was on vacation, I bought a tall screen and put it up so it blocked the view of my boss. It was awesome. He never said anything to me about it, and when we got a new VP, he complimented my screen.

  41. Anon Accountant*

    I’m trying to keep from panicking. I’m on 2 anti seizure meds and the neurologist ordered lab work. Your results can be viewed online and it showed my leukocyte count was “abnormally high”. I haven’t been sick in 3 months and the 1 med can lower white blood cell counts.

    So now I’m waiting for Monday to call my regular doc and see if it’s from allergies, possible UTI or such. Plus am on edge because she increased my meds dosage this week. I’m sure it’ll all be okay but am a nervous wreck in the meantime.

    1. C Average*

      This sounds scary. I hope everything turns out OK. Internet hugs, firm handshakes, or whatever kind of virtual gesture of support you prefer.

      I’ve heard from a lot of people that it’s a bad year for allergies. I hope that’s all you are dealing with.

    2. fposte*

      Anon, I know it’s hard to wait to hear about stuff, but honestly, this doesn’t sound like that big a deal. In general, meds that can lower white blood cell counts either do (less common) or they don’t (more common), and I’m betting that it’s not; this really isn’t a situation where your white blood cell count should average lower than usual and it’s specially significant that it’s high. Either you generally run a little out of range on white blood cells, which can happen (different places will actually use different measurements for normal for some things), or you’ve got allergies, a UTI, a little somethin’ somethin’ going on in an ear or your throat, etc. You’ve had high white blood cells before in your life and never even known it, I promise you.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I’m waiting until I can call my doc about my knee and trying not to think what could be wrong either, so we’re in solidarity. Try not to worry (I know; harder than it sounds!). It could be nothing, or something that is easy to fix.

  42. S*

    Coachella weekend 2… who’s going? 2 of my coworkers (that I’m very close with) are trying to get me to join their car/camp, and I said I would consider it if I could find a ticket that’s below $300.

    If you’re not going, but have been before, what was your experience like?

      1. S*

        Oh, Coachella is definitely different! Most SoCal festival-goers know that in their souls, haha. It’s an endurance test more than a festival because of the camping aspect and because of the desert location (the windstorm during Pharrell’s set last year, anyone?) but it’s one of those things on my bucket list that I actually have a shot at fulfilling this year.

        1. Steve G*

          I still don’t get what the vibe of Coachella is supposed to be. Is it supposed to be like a rave or something? Is it mainstream stuff or underground?

          I heard the word thrown around here in NY a few times and thought it was “Coach Ella” and thought it was a fashion designer, by the sound of the name

          1. S*

            It’s a 3-day art and music festival in the Coachella Valley desert in Southern California (near Palm Springs) that’s spread out over 2 weekends. It’s a mix of everything–there’s EDM, rock, R&B… Jack White headlined last night, but the Weeknd drew just as large of a crowd, from what I heard, and Drake is headlining Sunday night. There’s also art installations, a campsite, and I believe there’s a troupe of acrobats this year too?

            Depending on who you’re seeing, it can definitely have a rave type of vibe, but at other times, it can feel like Outside Lands or Lollapalooza.

      2. Billy Oblivion*

        Jeezus. I looked at the “lineup” page – there’s like over 200 performers. Of which I recognize the names of maybe 10. I am so fucking uncool.

        I grew up near an outdoor music festival place (the Mississippi River Festival at SIU- Edwardsville) and tickets were $3. And my friends and I would still jump the fence and sneak in for free.

        I would have liked to see How To Destroy Angels with Alessandro Cortini in 2013. But it looks like they came onstage after it got dark. I’m sure the ambulance would have carried me off long beforehand. Speaking of Alessandro Cortini, this is the most geeky fun I’ve had all month.

        The hologram thing sounds kinda interesting, though. I saw the Digital Domain people present the work they did on _Benjamin Button_ at SIGGRAPH back in 2009. They are very, very good at what they do.

        1. S*

          I actually wasn’t totally sold on the headliners this year, but I would pay lots and lots of money to see Brand New, since I’m missing their side-show on Wednesday…

  43. M.*

    Okay so… On top of being bipolar and dealing with PTSD and other nondiagnosed things, I’ve pretty much been struggling with an Eating Disorder NOS since middle school. Lately, eating has become the enemy again. On top of just not wanting to eat, having major food sensitivities to almost everything, I have also seemed to develop food aversions again. I’m so turned off by the color of foods, the smells, the texture, or the thought of it. Like, I won’t eat mashed potatoes because of the smell and the consistency of it. I can’t do onions currently because of the taste. I am normally stuck in a pizza jag and can’t get enough of it, but lately the thought of sauce and cheese makes my stomach turn. Chicken is the wrong color. And I could go on and on.

    I’m trying to think of things that I could eat that would be filling, healthy and not something that could cause trouble. Problem is, dairy makes me sick, peanuts make me sick, definitely allergic to eggs, can’t eat grains because they spike up my blood sugar (this includes corn and rice). I can’t eat pork because my body doesn’t distribute fat properly (no fat at all on my arms and legs). Does anyone have any suggestions? I know I need to eat, I’ve worked with nutritionists that just don’t get the psychological issues that are going on, and even though I can’t bring myself to eat some days, I want to. I love cooking, and baking, I just don’t want to eat any of it.

    1. C Average*

      Are you seeing a therapist, or is that an option? This stuff is hard–you may need to get some help.

      1. M.*

        I am trying to get in with a psychiatrist but because of all of the healthcare reforms, budgets were cut to the community clinic I was going to and my assigned psychiatrist left over a year ago and I’m still on the waiting list to be reassigned… and they won’t return my calls. I don’t have health insurance because I’m a temp and couldn’t afford the costs that getting the insurance thru the agency would have brought.

        I also don’t have a counselor. Again because I can’t afford it on my own. I was seeing one, but stopped because it wasn’t a good fit. We were going in circles, and rehashing the same issue each time. I went to see a new one that I was paying out of my pocket (and expensive) because she dealt with PTSD. I ended up stopping after she spent three sessions criticizing my relationship with a guy. It’s not a traditional relationship since we both are dealing with trauma and she pretty much told me that he was going to end being an abuser (furthest from the truth, he’s terrified of hurting me). So yeah. :-/ I can’t afford to keep going therapist shopping.

        1. LibbyG*

          Could meal replacement shakes or smoothies be a temporary solution, just so that you’re nourished and can turn your attention to other strategies? There’s a whole DIY open-source movement about making meal replacement drinks with ingredients ordered on the internet. They call it soylent (which seems like a bad reference, but that’s the keyword to search on). Its driven by Silicon Valley people who want to minimize time spent on food. Good luck! I can only imagine how exhausting this all is!

    2. Eating is hard*

      How severe is your dairy issue? I ask because you mention pizza. Is it lactose intolerance? You may be able to take enzymes that help.

      I’ve been dealing with a borderline EDNOS (It’s financial stress and physical more than the classic presentation). I’ve been eating so much ice cream. The Häagen-Dazs chocolate and Vanilla have really short ingredients lists, the only issue would be the cream. I know what you mean about nothing being appealing. Hence cartons of ice cream. And if you can get lactose enzymes, milk and cheddar cheese.

      I’m also curious about the pork; I don’t follow your explanation? The body creates fat from all types of food, not just fat, and fat is more than just meat fat. The type of food shouldn’t have anything to do with that.

      Have you tried whole wheat pasta? It has less of a blood spike, and if you pair your carbs with fat and protein, it will spike less. So have some meatballs or chicken or what have you with it?

      This also might sound mean, but it isn’t meant to be: Food avoidance and eliminating food groups is often an “acceptable” way to continue disordered eating. I’m not saying this is your case but it’s something to look at.

      If you’re really that restricted, can you take off work/school for a bit? You are going to eat a lot more in volume to make up for the lack of high calorie foods and I know it’s hard to eat much at once, so you’re going to be eating all the time.

      1. fposte*

        Cheddar and other firm to hard cheeses should be okay even without taking lactase (Lactaid)–they’ve got very little lactose. And you can buy Lactaid brand milk with no lactose; I think there are also lactose-free ice creams.

        I personally don’t find a ton of help from taking the Lactaid pills along with what I eat–the pills don’t necessarily get to the gut along with all the lactose. The US has given up on the lactose drops, but you can still get them on Amazon, and they can be really useful for stirrable dairy–you treat the stuff with the drops, mix it up, and then 24 hours or so later the lactose should all be broken up for you.

        1. Stephanie*

          Yogurt’s fine too. I’m pretty lactose intolerant and can do yogurt and hard cheeses without issue.

          With whole wheat pasta, I find it works better with non-tomato sauces. Something about the nuttiness of the pasta with tomato sauce doesn’t pair well.

        2. Eating is Hard*

          Good point about lactose free things. I’m not lactose-intolerant, so I haven’t looked at them much, but do they have the same caloric value as dairy? I know with a lot of alternatives/replacement foods, one of the selling points is that they have less calories, which is not helpful in recovery. Whole milk is great because it has 150 calories per 8 oz. serving and has a lot of nutrients, unlike a lot of other calorie heavy drinks (since drinking calories can be easier than eating them). Same with the ice cream; cream is very calorie dense. If the substitutes are as well, definitely something to consider!

          I also wonder if some of OP’s food issues are less the food causing the issue and more just the body getting used to eating again. Starting again makes things kind of uncomfortable for a while; I felt nauseated and tired after eating anything more substantial than like…half a sandwich at a time, and I wasn’t full EDNOS or ED. The blood sugar crashes might be just feeling tired because the body wants to rest to repair itself.

          Also, stealing from another discussion here: If you can, sipping soda is a good appetite stimulator for me. It doesn’t make me want the best foods, but your body needs to get used to having food and teaching itself to feel hungry again, so in the short term, bad food > no food.

          1. fposte*

            To your first point–no, calories are equivalent. Basically, the lactase enzyme breaks the lactose up into two different, more digestible sugars, galactose and glucose. In some people and in young kids, their guts make the lactase. In some of us, a bottle or package does.

            As Cath in Canada notes, the taste is a little bit sweeter–YMMV on whether that’s a bug or a feature.

        3. Cath in Canada*

          I’m lactose sensitive, rather than intolerant, and hard cheeses and yoghurt in small amounts are usually just fine. I don’t like the lactose-free milk – it tastes really sweet to me – but almond milk (plain) is a good substitute. I don’t like the ice creams that are made from lactose-free cow milk, but there are some absolutely delicious ice creams made from coconut milk that have no lactose in them at all. Sooooooo good!

      2. M.*

        Hi! Okay the pork thing. So the way my nutritionist and endo explained it is that pork is considered to have more fat in it than chicken or lean cuts of beef. My body does not handle the fats properly, so instead of being able to distribute the fat throughout my body (I admittedly have no idea how this works), it stores it all my in abdomen/liver. Which in turn means that my liver has looked like I’m a middle aged alcoholic since I was twelve, although the biopsy ten years ago shows that it is relatively okay, it just doesn’t function right. I wish I had a better explanation besides all my doctors telling me not to eat pork.

    3. Anonymous for PTSD*

      Hey, recovered anorexic here and in recovery from the issue in my username. I’m honestly not following most of your reasons for diet restrictions. I think some might have more to do with EDNOS than anything physical. I’ve been there.

      Ever try smoothies? Soups? You can add a lot of ingredients without setting off the usual mental alarms, simply because you can’t see it all. And it’s easy to eat while watching TV or focusing on something else. It worked for me while I wasn’t back to a normal appetite yet.

      1. M.*

        Dietary restrictions are because I’m considered a Type 2 diabetic. I say considered because my case is atypical in that I don’t have all the risk factors (in fact I’ve been underweight my whole life) but have all the symptoms of Type 2 diabetes. My endo says its easier to just tell people I’m diabetic than go into the specifics, I’ve been to tons of ‘top doctors’ and all they have managed to do is rule out what it is not. I also have a “fatty liver syndrome” as well as a laundry list of other physical ailments. Also, I’ve got tons of food sensitivities. It seems that the older I get, the less my body can tolerate.

        I’ve tried soups, it usually ends up in me being really driven, making them, and then not being able to eat it. It is like my brain puts up a huge “Does Not Want” sign, and even if I really was into what I was making before, I just can’t eat. I have really become someone who loves to cook but can’t eat what they make.

        1. Anonymous for PTSD*

          Ah, sorry to hear that. Smoothies and soup were my way around the “do not want” sign. Is there anything (even something weird or picky) that is easy for you to eat?

    4. Clever Name*

      Are there foods that sound good to you and you like to eat, even if they are considered “unhealthy”? If you’re having trouble eating food, but you feel like eating chips or candy, or cupcakes, eat those. Take a multivitamin if you’re concerned about nutrient deficiency. I knew someone who had very specific ideas about the types of food he should be eating, but being young and an inexperienced cook, and working a job that required fieldwork, he would end up eating nothing because he didn’t theve the resources to cook what he felt he “should” be eating. Honestly, unhealthy food I’d better than no food.

    5. Jean*

      Way upthread there’s a link to a Dan Savage column about finding low-cost mental health care.
      Can you join a support group or a research project in your area? Can you find helpful community online?
      Good luck. IMHO you don’t have to eat everything, you just need to assemble a “good enough” diet that covers the basic nutrition with foods you don’t find repulsive.
      Caveat: no direct experience with eating disorders, but I have a lot of experience of the “gathering information is the first step to solving my problem” variety.

    6. M.*

      I just wanted to thank everyone for suggestions. I’m always at a loss on how to get help for these things. My mom doesn’t do medical issues (when my mental health tanked in high school she said she couldn’t deal with it anymore and checked out) so I can’t really get any help from her, my father abused me for most of my life and his solution is to send me more money to buy more food with, they live in NC and I’m up in NH, so there isn’t much they can or are willing to do. I’m going to keep looking to try to find a nonprofit up here that may be able to help. Most of them took a bad hit from the health care reforms and can no longer help someone in my position (working but no insurance), and only focus on single parents and the unemployed. I’m also holding out hope that I’ll have insurance soon as I’ve had several interviews and all are direct hires with benefits starting fairly soon after hire.

      But again, thank you.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      You could try just going down to simple, whole foods. Cooked broccoli and chicken for dinner. Next night peas and turkey. Just keep it real simple, one ingredient, very few steps in preparing. Snack on fruit, carrot sticks, or similar things.

      Please try to find a protein drink you can work with while you sort all this. Also, watch your water intake- make sure you are getting enough.(Body weight divided by 2 equals ounces of water to drink each day.) Dehydration will exasperate symptoms already in place and will bring on MORE symptoms. If you go to a health food store you should be able to find a drink with electrolytes (minerals) in it and does not have a lot of other junk in the mix. This would help support your body, also.

      And you are correct- nutritionists, chiros, all these folks do not totally understand the anguish that going on. Physical health and mental health are so intertwined it’s hard to know where one begins and another ends. My chiro offered a brilliant piece of advice. He said that he was going to be adjust things in my structure that were tied to emotions. He said “I cannot help you with the emotions. That is not my expertise. Build a plan to deal with the emotions that are attached to the damage.” Well this guy adjusted so much stuff, some days I would just sit and cry. I was not in pain, I was fine. I just had to cry. Seeing this, I can say “Right. Your nutritionist does not get it.” So the next thing is to say to the nutritionist, “Here is what I can eat this week. How do I make this into something workable.” Let your nutritionist just talk about foods and suggestions for what you can try and let your doctor handle the rest of it.

    8. BeckyDaTechie*

      Is quinoa okay (it’s a seed, not a grain, so it doesn’t have the carb count)? When I’m having days where nothing sounds good, I’ll cook quinoa and then sautee it briefly with some olive oil or butter (if I think I can handle the dairy) and a smashed clove of garlic. For some reason, the smell of frying garlic will make me want to eat when most other things don’t.

      Everyone from my old job that’s seen me lately says I “look great”. They don’t realize I’ve been eating one meal a day or less. I’m more or less subsisting on microwaved frozen broccoli and mashed potatoes unless my husband insists we go out or gets take out. I guess I’m not handling the transition between old job and new job (which I’m still waiting for a start date on!) as well as I thought.

      *safe hugs if you want them* This kind of thing sucks.

  44. Shell*

    Deleted because work-related — please save for the Friday work-related open thread. Thanks!

  45. S*

    Oh yeah, and I booked a Memorial Day weekend in DC! Not your traditional Memorial Day vacation, I know, but I haven’t been back since I moved away a year and a half ago (I miss it quite often), I still have friends there, and my all-time favorite band is playing a show in the city that weekend. Plus the round-trip was only $350, heh.

      1. S*

        I’m excited but also not looking forward to the jet lag (I live on the west coast) from such a whirlwind trip…

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Ugh, jet lag. I’m taking an overnight flight and I AM taking a Unisom this time. It’s seriously hard for me to sleep sitting up, especially when I can’t move much (I’m a side sleeper, too). At least I’ll be unconscious for most of it, and when I get there, it won’t be hard to stay awake. If you take a nap, you’re screwed!

          I told my auntie she didn’t have to pick me up this time–I totally know how to get to her house. With my knee as it is, I’m starting to rethink that, argh. I’ll see if the doctor can give me a brace. Then I can sit on the special seats on the bus, ha ha.

          1. S*

            I’m taking a red-eye on Friday night. So I’m arriving in DC at 6:30 am on Saturday… my friend who’s picking me up already said she was going right back to sleep afterwards, haha.

  46. Tara*

    Online dating as a young person. Thoughts? I’ve just gotten Tinder, and there’s… okay, there’s a lot of people just looking for hookups, but so far I’ve chatted with a few nice people who haven’t been weird to me. What are the rules for meeting someone in person? I know to meet up in a public space, but is there anything else to keep in mind? Safety tips, how to avoid awkwardness, etc? (I’m into girls, fyi.) I’ve never really dated people I didn’t know beforehand.

    2. Jenster*

      For safety:
      1) Meet up in a public space (great that you got that).
      2) Make sure you have your own travel plan ready (ie. by driving or other transportations). Don’t give the other party an excuse to drive you home.
      3) It’s better to let at least one of your family member or friend to know that you’ll be going on a date. Better yet, just leave the phone number of the other party for them just in case.
      4) Don’t fall in love too fast.

      For getting rid of awkwardness:
      1) Most people would do a “coffee date” first just get to know a person…personally, it can be awkward for some people (especially those that don’t drink coffee), so do a follow-up activity that’s actually more “active” but relaxing at the same time, such as bowling, billiard, a walk at a botanical garden…and etc. Though, before you plan for a coffee-follow-up activity , make sure that person actually got time for it.
      2) Don’t fall in love too fast.
      3) Try to see that person as a new friend first before seeing her as a “potential life-time partner”.

      Have fun and good luck!

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        4a) Know that this person is essentially a stranger. No matter how long you e-mail, text or speak on the phone, they are still a stranger.
        4b) Meet as soon as you are able to, because it’s far easier to fall for someone in your mind. Everything you hear from them, you are putting your own spin on and it may not be how they intended it to be. If you let this go on too long, your expectations may be larger than anyone can live up to.
        4c) Sometimes, you just don’t like someone when you meet them. There’s nothing you can put your finger on, they just don’t sit right with you. The sooner you meet them in person, the sooner you can find this out. All the pretty words in the world can’t make up for someone who has [bad thing you can’t stand] or is lying to you (see 8 below).

        5) always make sure your cellphone is fully charged before you leave for the date

        6) always bring money to cover what you are going to eat/do (I can’t speak for same-sex dating, but there is a certain subset of men who are of the “oops, I left my wallet at home!” variety or of the “I paid for your dinner, now you owe me _____.”)

        7) As gold digger says, get a brand new e-mail account. While I can’t speak for what it’s like in same sex situations, if you’re a single woman who is remotely good looking, your e-mail is going to fill up fast. If you get the attention of someone you later wish you hadn’t, much easier to cancel the account of an e-mail you set up last month than one you’ve had for years that all your friends and family sends messages to. Make sure it’s an appropriately named account — sexxygurl4U will give out the wrong impression. So will CrazyCatLady541. Unless that is the message you want to give out.

        8) Be honest. If you’re 5’3″, say that. Don’t use your “in heels” height even if you’re never out of heels, or mention that separately. Use a current photo, not one you love from 10 years ago. Demand honesty from the people you meet. If someone shows up and they are clearly older/heavier/shorter than they said they were — what else are they hiding? Some people think (see 4b) that if they message you long enough, you will come to love who they are on the inside and all these pesky outside details won’t matter, but human relationships don’t work that way. Be honest with other people and yourself.

        9) don’t use online dating as the only way to meet other people. It’s hard, you need a thick skin, there’s a lot of disappointment and flaking and stuff to deal with. It should only expose you to people you wouldn’t meet normally, not be your only way to meet people.

        10) if you go for drinks, don’t over do it, be careful how much you consume. In part because it can lower your inhibitions but also because this person is a stranger and you truly don’t know what they’re capable of yet. Also, if you drove to this date, not a good move to drink so much you can’t drive home. Know your limit and stay within it.

    3. the gold digger*

      When I was online dating, I set up an email account with a pseudonym. I never used my last name and I emailed for a week or two before meeting in person – if the guy was a lousy writer, I was not going to meet him.

      My sister met her husband online. I have several friends who have met their spouses online. My mom has done online dating (catholicsingles.com or something like that). I think it is a great way to meet people. Have fun!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I met my last bf in my chat room. Never again. The online sites didn’t really have anything for me. Just senior dudes (I’m too young for an old man, haha) and weirdos . If you’re younger, you’ll probably have better luck at least meeting people you have more in common with.

    4. Sunflower*

      The majority of the people on these apps are totally harmless. Use your gut judgement when talking to them.

      – Make the first meeting coffee or drinks- something you can get out of relatively quickly if you find it’s just not working
      – Plan your own way there and back. Don’t rely on them for a ride either way.
      – I usually like to tell the person upfront before we meet that I don’t know how long I can meet for. Something like ‘Oh I’m planning to meet up with friends later’ ‘I have to work tomorrow’. that way if you dip out early, It’s not that bad. That being said, if you know you’re never gonna see the person again, who really cares what your reason is for getting up and leaving?
      – Tell someone you’re going(roommate or friend). I’ve never dealt with someone super crazy but if the person gets aggressive and you feel unsafe leaving before her, stay where you are and get a friend to meet you.

      Avoiding awkwardness-
      – Ask about family, travel- usually safe topics. Don’t ask anything that could become controversial- like religion, politics.
      – Work can be an easy thing to talk about but I think it usually ends up doing more harm than good. You usually want to try to stay positive on a first date and work almost always brings some negativity into the situation
      – Are there any big events going on in your city? Ask about summer plans
      – Just do what seems natural. Don’t force conversation. If you feel like you’re forcing it too much, you should do both of yourselves a favor and leave.

      1. Chartreuse*

        Interesting that you suggest avoiding religion or politics. For some people, compatibility in those areas is hugely important to them, so if that’s the case wouldn’t it make sense to bring it up earlier rather than later so that if there’s incompatibility neither one’s time is wasted.

    5. Felicia*

      Tell a friend where you’re going and when, and don’t tell people anything to identifying, like where you live, before you meet them. I like to invent a fake emergency just in case i want to leave, and always say I’m not sure how long I can say beforehand. And as a fellow girl who likes girls, and who has tried all the online dating, I have found OKCupid by far the best – at least for finding awesome non heterosexual ladies around here. I have also found that a lot of non heterosexual ladies (i don’t know if this is universal), have found very good friends online dating, in additional to romantic partners.

      Also something that is epidemic in online dating for ladies who like ladies, which my straight female friends didn’t even consider and were appalled by is the number of messages you will get from men. They know you said you were a woman seeking a woman, but they think they can convert you of your gayness. With their penis. All queer ladies i know who have done online dating have had this experience. Also you will get girls messaging you asking you do have a threesome with them and their boyfriends, even if your profile says you want long term dating. You’ll see a lot of girls’ profiles that say NO MEN AND NO COUPLES. You can usually block men from messaging you (usually, they can find ways around it ), but when i was like 18 and didn’t know i could block men or that some would do such ridiculous things, i got SO many unsolicited dick picks. I mean I hear straight girls get them too but my profile did say woman seeking woman. The amount of men who think they can convert you with the magic power of their penis totally scared me from online dating.

      1. Tara*

        Yeah, I’ve already encountered this quite a bit in the 24 hours or so I’ve been on Tinder. So many girls looking for threesomes! I guess it’s good to be upfront about it.

        1. Felicia*

          Tinder is known as an app for hookups more than anything else, but still sucks that that’s happening. Can’t they all just find each other? Why must they assume all women into women must be into threesomes ? (it’s cool if you are but i am so not, and if i were there would be no dude involved). Any unsolicited messages from men yet? I have no idea how Tinder works or if you can actively block those. But those are what creeped me out most from online dating. I did meet the only long term girlfriend i ever had on OKCupid. it ended disastrously but it was good for like a year.

  47. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

    ************ SPOILER FREE ******************

    Doing Daredevil this weekend, the new original Netflix that just dropped (Marvel Universe).

    Enjoying quite a bit. I like my superheros dark, brooding and mortal. (Sexy does-not-hurt also.)

    Very violent and not in the cartoon violent kind of Superhero battling Supervillian sort of way. Having to push past that. Can is say: Vincent D’Onofrio as the bad guy. I am his hugest fan. It is such a treat to have him on my screen. (He doesn’t take much work. This was filmed in NYC so we get him.)

    I think I’ll like this even better on a second go round when I can fast forward thru the blood and guts and know I’m not missing plot.

    Anybody else?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      EVERYONE I know started Daredevil this weekend! We decided to give it a try, though its genre is not really my thing. My boyfriend is totally into it. I’m kind of “meh” about it, however… the VERY FIRST scene is very familiar to me, because my dog and I saw it being filmed! I was walking him home from daycare last summer (June or July, I think) and we saw this crazy commotion at the intersection of 115th and St. Nicholas. It was a set, with no actors I recognized and a whole lot of crashed cars and smoke. They were on a break and very, very nice to me as I guided my beast through. Imagine my delight when we turn on Netflix and there it is!

      I do love how the whole thing is set in Hell’s Kitchen and makes it sound like the seedy Hell’s Kitchen of 40 years ago, whereas now, Hell’s Kitchen is home to Five Napkin Burger and luxury high-rises. :)

    2. Persephone Mulberry*

      We watched the first episode last night, too! (Started too late to get in more than one before bed.) I thought the fight scenes were rather drawn out, but that’s Marvel for you. Fortunately the acting is excellent and I also know that Marvel likes to develop their backstories, and yes, the actual plot was quite compelling. Also, I love Charlie Cox (if you’ve never seen the movie Stardust, DO IT). We will definitely keep watching.

    3. Shell*

      I had no hopes of seeing this for a while since Canadian Netflix lags far behind its American brethren, but it’s actually available in Canada!

      Excuse me, I think my week is shot.

      (X-men Days of Future Past made it onto Netflix too. Dying of glee here.)

    4. CollegeAdmin*

      My boyfriend and I just watched the first three episodes yesterday. (Or rather, we watched the first two and he slept through the third. But still.) I thought it was great – I’m a huge Marvel fan – but some of the more violent scenes did freak me out a little bit as well.

    5. Wakeen's Teapots Ltd.*

      Completed.

      The violence did get to me. I’m way on the squeamish side and I was torn between wanting to watch the many fight scenes, which were beautifully choreographed, and just not being able to take it. If I hadn’t marathoned, probably wouldn’t have bothered me as much.

      Ended up multitasking some mundane work so I could defocus from the fights when they were on.

      Loved the characters and actors, enjoyed the story, though the pacing was slow in the middle episodes and loved the conclusion.

      Vincent D’Onofrio was *magnificent*!

  48. Sandrine (France)*

    What a week it’s been. I posted a bit about it in the “Best and worst of the week” comment thread here, but whoah.

    I had been warned live video game streaming could bring in revenue. I just shrugged it off and was happy when I had the good reception I had. But lemme tell you, I can now understand what it feels like when you get a huge tip you didn’t expect. I can now understand the thank yous I got in restaurants when I tipped.

    People have told me directly they like what I do. They like how I interact with viewers.

    O_O … For someone with so much self-doubt, they’re lifting it little by little. I can’t thank them enough for that.

    2. Anonsie*

      Congratulations!!

      I know what you mean about how good it feels for people to be excited about what you do, I did a little bit of streaming last summer and when the same people logged in on my stream days to see the next part and were engaged and wanted me to keep doing new games when those were wrapped up… Like, holy crap, I’m funny and people like me?!

      2. Sandrine (France)*

        Haha Anonsie, exactly. Now all I need to do is get a new computer to handle the stuff better… I love streaming retro games but I wanna have fun with the newer stuff as well…

        (totally sad I can’t stream my giant Pokeball construction in Minecraft for example. I’m rather new at the game but when I saw it could be done I just HAD to start – hope to finish it today!)

        1. Anonsie*

          I have a lot of fun with episodic games because there’s a lot of story to comment on haha. Anything that’s really linear is better for me. I always want to do stuff like Minecraft but I just fart around in games like that and then I have nothing to say. I’m no good at the big constructions like that! I just wander around taming an army of wolves.

  49. Minnie Anonymouse*

    I just got back from what was supposed to be a fun vacation in a warm place. It’s been a long winter in the northeast. It even snowed back home while I was away. I went with a friend who had the idea in the first place. We laid out early on what things we wanted to do most. The trip got off to a bad start when it turned out my friend was too big to fit safely in the one ride she wanted to go on most. That kind of set a pall over the rest of that day, and probably the rest of the trip. It just made her more self-conscious and pretty much shut down doing anything that involved putting on a bathing suit or going near rides that potentially had safety harnesses that wouldn’t accommodate her, and those were the things I was most looking forward to doing. I managed to eek out some time to go out to the pool alone on one day. I hadn’t planned to do that alone. We never went to the water park. Despite the fact we had planned on it, and I had paid for it already when I bought all of the park tickets. I wouldn’t have paid for it if there was no chance of going. I couldn’t even get a pedicure, which is something we usually do when together.

    It was frustrating and disappointing. I felt bad for my friend, and didn’t complain about things I was missing, because I all I could think about was how terrible that must have been, and what do you even say? How crappy do you have to feel that you choose to do things you like to do because you are that self-conscious and anxious about your body and how other people view it? I’m torn between being upset that I just took time off work, made the trip all the way south, and spent a couple thousand dollars to be limited in what I could do, and not because she didn’t fit the harness on one ride, but because that set the stage for the rest of the trip. There were times she was rude or snarked at me for simple requests (to stop and take a photo of something). I definitely snarked back a couple times at the end of the trip.

    What do you even do with that? How do you support someone who has body image issues that prevent them from doing things they enjoy? How do you talk about that? I have my own horrible anxiety issues which have been debilitating, but I don’t think they have prevented me from doing things I enjoy the most. She had even bought a new bathsuit, and in the end I ended up going to the pool once alone. I had paid for the water parks, which were at the top of my list of things I wanted to do, and we had discussed our wish lists multiple times, and I didn’t get there. I couldn’t even get a pedicure as planned (not even alone because I needed someone to drive me to the salon and she refused), and she’s the one that introduced me to pedicures.

    I’m really at a loss, and I’m really upset at how things went, and I’m afraid to say anything because I don’t want to make her feel even worse if that makes sense.

    1. fposte*

      Sorry, Minnie–that sounds really disappointing, and it’s a complex situation. In general I’m a big fan of one person going alone if the other person won’t do it, but in that situation it would be hard to suggest that without feeling like a too bad, so sad meanie (if she had suggested you go alone, you would have gone, yes?). But I’m somewhat annoyed at your friend and I think it’s okay if you are too–yes, what she experienced was a blow, but your needs still counted on this trip, and it sounds like they didn’t get considered at all.

      If I thought I might travel with her again, I would definitely want to talk about this with her. I might anyway, if i was a friendship that I valued and I thought this would color it. (I’d wait for a month or so to pass before I raised it, though.) But I’d also have a look at the friendship to see if this is an unrecognized pattern–whether things end up being about her, especially when times get difficult.

      1. Minnie Anonymouse*

        She’s actually an awesome friend and we’ve known each other IRL 12 or more years and online before that, and things don’t normally end up being about her. I was actually surprised at some of the behavior. She’s generally super thoughtful, and I didn’t expect for a minute I’d get a snarky “Drive yourself” when she knew I couldn’t drive myself. We’re normally good at accommodating each other and compromising, and it’s not unusual if one of us wants to bow out of an activity to either do something else or just do our own thing, and to make those plans on the fly. I have certainly just driven myself to a store or to do something while staying at her house (she lets me take her car, but this time it was a rental and I wasn’t authorized to drive it) or she has gone off to do something without me if I don’t feel like going out, and we’ve always checked in with each other, but she has never been abrupt and rude about it.

        It was the attitude that really threw me off. I think it upset me more than not getting to do the things I wanted to do most and sometimes feeling held back or like I had to tip toe a bit to avoid upsetting her. We have gone on trips together before, and stay at each other’s homes (we live 500 miles apart), and I’ve never felt like that, and I’ve never felt like she’s been rude and not enjoying herself.

        I did go on that first ride myself. She was the one who suggested it, and she’s normally fine with us doing our own things, and when I came out I had doubts it was the right thing to do, because she was upset over not being able to go herself, and I felt like if I was a good friend I would have not gone in. It was an attraction she most wanted to see. I was at the park to see it with her. It wasn’t on my personal list. I could have skipped it instead of leaving her behind feeling upset and probably humiliated. So I question my judgement and if I was really being a good friend in that moment.

    2. the gold digger*

      Oh how disappointing. Your friend did not do it right. You had discussed very clear expectations and she decided to sulk instead of forging on. I am sorry.

      I don’t know how to solve the issue with your friend – from an internet distance, it’s very easy to say, “Don’t go on vacation with her again!” But I know it’s more complicated than that. I just want to say that I do not think your disappointment is unreasonable at all – I would have been very upset with the friend as well.

      1. Minnie Anonymouse*

        Thank you for this. Yes it is more complicated than that, because we have a long history of trips that didn’t end up like this. I am upset with her and at the same time I know she is struggling a whole lot right now with weight and body image, and know it’s not so easy to get past those things.

    3. C Average*

      Awww, this sucks. I’m so sorry you dropped a boatload of cash on something that turned out to not be much fun, and that a friendship has been at least momentarily soured in the process.

      Once you’ve had time to process this (in your own mind as well as on the internet with understanding and sympathetic strangers), think about scheduling a post-mortem with your friend where you actually talk about the trip and what did and didn’t go right. And be explicit that that’s what you want this meeting to be. It’ll feel awkward, but it’ll give you Permission To Speak Freely, Sir.

      I have a really dear friend with whom I was roommates for a few months. It wasn’t a very successful roommate situation for a lot of reasons: the place was too small, we were both really young and naive and poor, I didn’t have AAM to explain to me the things that just aren’t done, etc. Anyway, a few months after I moved out, she asked if we could meet and just talk about what had and hadn’t worked about our arrangement. She said she had things she just needed to say, to get off her chest, so we could stay friends and not have any unnamed baggage in our relationship. It hurt to hear this, but the debrief went really well, we both spoke freely, and twenty years later we are still best friends.

    4. Ruffingit*

      Having been overweight myself, I can sympathize with your friend’s hurt feelings. However, that does not mean she is allowed to spill those feelings all over you and ruin your vacation. In deciding whether or not to say something to her, you have to decide what you’re looking for as an end result. Do you want an apology? Do you want her to understand how difficult/unfair this was for you? Whatever you’re looking for, figure out if you can get it by having a talk with her about it. And give it some time. She’s still in the raw stage at this point I’m guessing so this wouldn’t be a conversation to have right now.

      Really though, I think you could just leave this alone as well and simply not plan on vacations with her again for the time being. There is no reason to spend thousands only to have nothing to show for it simply because she won’t deal with her issues.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        “simply not plan on vacations with her again for the time being”

        Or, plan vacations that aren’t so dependent on rides she might not fit it or contain situations she wouldn’t like to be in where she’s exposing lots of skin. It may not be as thrill-a-minute adrenaline rush as going to theme parks, but hiking through parts of England or Yosemite, going to Barcelona or Paris, are different ways to vacation that can be just as relaxing or fun, but without all the potential traps and pitfalls of “we cannot accommodate you on this ride Madam.”

        FWIW, I have an auto-immune condition and cannot be out in the sun for extended periods of time. As much as I like warm weather, going somewhere and lying around on a beach all day is not something I can do. I have no problem with other people doing that, so long as there are things I’m interested in to keep me busy or shady places I can read. But, I know this about myself and would mention it right up front to anyone who wanted to go to Jamaica for a week with me. They would be on the beach, and I would be trying to find tours for a rum plantation or coffee farm or museum, hitting the indoor spa or something. If research revealed that there was literally nothing to do but sun yer buns, I would bow out and wish them a good time.

        1. TL -*

          I think it’s less what happened and more how her friend handled it – so badly! It’s fine to plan vacations around your limitations, but it’s not okay to let your bad experience ruin someone else’s good time.

          1. Dynamic Beige*

            True, but I can also see how Friend didn’t realise her weight had gotten to a point where it would affect her ability to enjoy the rides she wanted to at a theme park until it was too late. I can see how it was all excitement and then to be humiliated like that… yes, she handled it badly but I think that most people would. Maybe not to the same extent or for as long or obviously but something like that, it shakes you to the core in a way that merely not fitting in your pants any more does — and it’s not like she was at home or there was a group of people so they could take turns comforting her. Extremely awkward all around.

            1. TL -*

              I would definitely give her a day or two of immediate feeling bad and a longer term we can talk emotional support, but an entire vacation is harder to be understanding about.
              It is a difficult situation though.

            2. Minnie Anonymouse*

              I think “shakes you to the core” is a good description of what it was probably like for her, and I was/am totally at a loss to know how to talk about my frustration and being upset with how she acted or spoke to me later in a way that would just make her feel even worse.

              We had no way of knowing about the size restrictions until we got to the line. They publish height requirements and health warnings in the brochures and descriptions, but not one of the rides with the harnesses that weren’t made to fit certain body dimensions gave any warning about that. Most rides were not an issue. It was only a handful with a specific type of safety harness. Unfortunately, it was the one attraction she wanted to see the most. That was why she suggested this trip. It was her idea. Then we worked together to plan it out and make it happen. Ouch!

              1. Dynamic Beige*

                You might want to either contact the park yourself or perhaps encourage her to do it. With all the spotlight on the obesity epidemic and things like people being told to purchase two seats on the plane making the news and there were lawsuits over that… it’s kind of bizarre that the park didn’t have their weight restrictions listed as well as height or health. I mean, I went to buy a step ladder a month ago and even those had “not for people over 200lbs” kind of warnings on them. I never would have thought about such a thing as being an issue for a park ride, but I’m not someone who is into rides anyway.

                Seriously, a decently written letter about the disappointment you felt and how it affected your trip — if they put those warnings on their website that would at least be a small victory. If it happened to your friend, I would not be surprised that it’s happened to others or will in the future. Who knows, they may even comp you some tickets or something.

                I think that aside from being shocked at what happened and upset, I bet your friend is also deeply distressed at the whole thing. As you say, it was her idea, she got you on board with this and then she wrecked it (unintentionally or maybe subconsciously, no way to know). If that were me, I wouldn’t know what to say to you to make it right — if that were even possible. Hopefully, she will use this as a spur to make changes in her life to get her weight into a more healthy place and there won’t be a repeat of this.

                1. Lindsay J*

                  The problem is that it is not so much the weight as how you carry the weight. The concern is whether the safety restraint can close and lock, not that there is a specific weight limit like there might be in an elevator.

                  So somebody that is 330lbs and carries their weight mostly in the bottom part of their body might be perfectly fine riding, while someone who weighs 280 but carries their weight mostly in the top part of their body might not be able to.

                  And with how different people’s heights are and how people’s bodies are such different proportions, etc, even saying “the measurment of the circumference of your chest must be less than XX inches to ride” would not be accurate.

                  So putting a weight limit or measurements on the website is likely impractical.

                  This is why many rides have seats at the beginning of the ride que so you can sit in them and see if you fit before you wait in the whole line and have to find out in front of a bunch of other people that you don’t fit. It doesn’t sound like the park they visited had this though. And even if they did, it does suck only finding out after you already purchased your ticket, carved out the time to visit the park on your vacation, etc.

                  There’s certainly no harm in writing to the park, expressing that you were disappointed that you purchased tickets and were unable to ride many of the attractions, etc. They will likely offer some type of compensation. Also letters like this make it more likely that they will offer more attractions in the future that everyone can participate in. (As a former amusement park worker and enthusiest, this is one of my pet peeves. My former employer caters to two very specific groups – coaster enthusiasts and families with very young children – and in the process of catering to them have eliminated most of the shows and attractions enjoyed by people who don’t like heights or can’t ride rides for various other reasons but are over the age of 5. They don’t see that they’re alienating a lot of former, current, and potential customers by cutting out something that a lot of people enjoy.

              2. fposte*

                Wow; so she kind of got jilted at the altar. While I still don’t blame you for being annoyed, I don’t blame her for being totally freaked out.

    5. matcha123*

      I’d be pretty ticked if I were you. If I were your friend, I’d feel embarrassed, which she seems to be based on what you wrote. If it were me, I probably wouldn’t say anything, even though I would want to. And if that same friend invited me on a trip, I’d either turn her down or go with the determination to do the things I enjoy.

      I’ve been burned a lot of times in similar situations and I use that situation as a basis for judging my interactions in similar situations with the same group. For me, that means that when I go to karaoke, I make sure to put in the songs I enjoy. When I go for sushi, I make sure to order the things I like. In the end if I’m going to be paying my hard-earned money, I want to enjoy it.

      When I was in a situation similar to your years ago, the friend expected me to sit in the hotel room with her and I guess sh*t-talk other people like we were better than them. In the end, I decided I had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and I didn’t want to let it pass.

    6. Artemesia*

      Her behavior was horribly inconsiderate. I am old and not that fabulous in a bathing suit — so I wear a rashguard and bicycle shorts over my suit and at least feel less exposed and the look is not bad. A heavy person could wear a coverup out of the water and garments that give a bit of coverage like the rash guard tops that lots of people wear to avoid sunburn (landsend has some attractive ones for people of any size) To go on a sunny vacation where your companions has bought water park tickets and plans on a fun time outdoors and then to not only fail to participate but place a wet blanket on your friend is incredibly selfish. She knew she was fat before she signed up for the trip — she knew you didn’t care about that — and then she let her issues mess up the trip. Not cool.

      2. Minnie Anonymouse*

        I wish she had gone, because she’s the one that turned me on to pedicures in the first place. It was something that made her feel good, which is something she really needed after that experience.

        She fully intended to participate. She had bought new swimwear and a hat for this trip and stocked up on 100+ SPF. She actually likes swimming. It was frustrating and sad all at once, frustrating for me having looked forward to it for months and missing out, and sad to see someone I care about opting out of things they would normally enjoy. I couldn’t even convince her to come to the pool in the resort, which was a 55+ community. Of all the places I could think to swim, it seems pretty safe for people who aren’t comfortable with how they look in a bathing suit. Most of the people at the pool are retired, well into their 70s and beyond, and are totally past the point of caring how anyone looks in a bathing suit. There wouldn’t be a ton of young hot 20-somethings to compare oneself to.

        1. Minnie Anonymouse*

          I am into my 40s and I can’t tell you how many times I was asked if I was on break from school. It was a riot! :-D

    8. Not So NewReader*

      “Friend, something happened on our vacation that is not characteristic of us as friends. I want us to talk about it. I want to know what happened.”

      I think it won’t be one thing. It will be a hundred things. She has something that is filling up her entire mind, occupying every thought and whatever it is that problem with the ride is a trigger for a larger issue of some sort.

      Sit and listen. All the while, you are deciding if you will ever go on a trip with her again. This is the key to focus on, you can listen to her vent about this, that and the next thing because in the end YOU have the final say as to whether or not you will be traveling again with her.

      I think what she did was wildly unfair. But I also know that in the end you get the last word. Maybe she will say something that you have never heard her talk about before. Maybe this whole thing is a plea for help. Or maybe she has just become a miserable person. For the sake of all the good times you have had together, talk with her.

    9. AnonAcademic*

      I have a therapist friend whose guidelines for friendship I follow in situations like this. “I accept whatever issues you have as long as you mostly keep them to yourself.” She was referring to a friend of hers who is a hoarder but I think it applies more broadly. I try to follow this guideline when my anxiety interferes with activities I’m doing with friends. Close friends will probably be impacted by it maybe, say, once a year. As in, have to leave where ever we are immediately. But it’s no more than that, and I am fine a few hours later, and will try the same activity again with better planning to avoid an anxious reaction.

      Minnie, if your friend needed an afternoon off to process her feelings (or sulk…or rage…whatever) that would be fair, but to cast a pall over the rest of the vacation is so unfair. If her self esteem issues are so bad she feels she has to take them out on other people (refusing to drive you to get a pedicure is just spiteful), then those issues are toxic to both her and those around her. I would be seriously reevaluating the friendship, especially if the friend wasn’t willing to deal with their self esteem issues somehow (therapy, focusing on health rather than size, losing weight, whatever).

  50. The Other Dawn*

    I need to vent. Or whine. Maybe both.

    I’m an introvert, and as such, I don’t go out an awful lot or hang out all that often with friends. I have a couple close friends, a couple acquaintances, and a few long distance friends. Also, I moved to a different part of the state last summer. I highly value my at-home alone time with the cats and husband, or just myself. My week consists of working 8 to 5 ish, come home and cook dinner and then hang out watching TV or reading most of the evening. Five days a week. Weekend is usually do the grocery shopping, blog a bit, watch TV, read, maybe go to a few different stores if I need other stuff, diner for breakfast sometimes. That’s about it.

    My best friend is into going to the bars every weekend (with the end result being that’s she’s totally trashed) and hangs out quite a bit with her drinking buddy, her “partner in crime,” someone she’s knows a little longer than me (30+ years). There’s a very long history with the two of them that I won’t get into there, but I consider this person to be someone that has a detrimental effect on my friend’s well-being and mental state. It drives me nuts when I see her posting on Facebook that they’re at this bar or that bar, or they’re just hanging out in general. I’m not sure if I’m jealous of their friendship, or feel left out. I don’t know. I’m not into drinking and hanging out at bars, so it’s not that I want to be doing that. I think I feel like she’s saying her friend is more fun that I am. Sounds juvenile, I know. Before I moved 45 minutes away we would go to the movies once a month or so, or she would come over and we’d do a movie night. I think we’ve done it twice in 8 months since I moved.

    Lately I’m feeling very lonely and isolated. Aside from what I mentioned above, my other friend is into going to bars and drinking also, but she does in much more moderation. I can go out with her and have sushi or just visit.

    But of them are always telling me that I’m their normal friend, the level-headed one, the logical one. And those things are true. I’m pretty drama-free and “boring.” But I can’t stand it! It makes me feel like they only want to come around when their lives are crap, so they can get a dose of “normal.” As a result, I’m feeling very lonely lately. I’m in serious need of new friends that I have more in common with, I think. Just not sure how to go about it when I’m such an introverted home body.

    Was any of that coherent??

    1. Ruffingit*

      Yes, it’s coherent. One of the first things that strikes me about what you wrote is that you need to accept yourself for who you are. You’re an introvert who is not a bar hopper. That’s OK! Nothing wrong with that. I’m the same way actually. If you want to keep the friendships with the people you mentioned, invite them out to something – movies, dinner at your house, whatever you’re comfortable with. Maintaining long-distance friendships requires some effort on both parties. You can meet in the middle at diner or movie theatre or whatever works so you’re each only driving a short distance. And side note, it’s totally fine for you to be the “normal” friend. Everyone needs to have the person in their life who keeps them grounded. If you dislike the title and want to have what you see as more equal friendships (where both people are the normal one), then you have to find those people, which brings me to my next point.

      You are in need of more low-key local friends. Try meetup.com for an interest you have. You can find people there who enjoy book clubs, eating out at local places, movies, whatever and in many cases, you need only commit to a once a month outing or whatever amount you’re comfortable with.

    2. Delyssia*

      Introverts of the world unite (in our own spaces, thank you)!

      I’m focusing just on the lonely and isolated aspect of this, not on what your friends are doing with their time otherwise. I’m not sure if you’ve tried making plans on a somewhat regular basis with either of your two friends. If things tended to just kind of happen when you lived closer, you may just need to make more of an active effort to plan. If you’ve been trying and still aren’t seeing them all that often, you can still reach out every so often, but you may need to find other ways to avoid feeling so lonely and isolated.

      Have you looked at any classes, meet-ups, or other regularly scheduled event where you could go out and be social with other people who are interested in a Thing you are also interested in? Class possibilities: cooking, writing, photography, knitting/crochet, etc. I don’t know if meet-ups are big in your area, but there are often all sorts of events from board game nights to movie nights to hiking and so on. The advantage of the class or other event is two-fold. One, you get to meet new people and socialize, so you don’t feel so alone. Two, you have something interesting to share with your friends, without diving into “drama” (I seriously cannot tell you how much I hate “drama”).

    3. matcha123*

      I kind of get you. However, I don’t mind spending some time in bars…but, I’d prefer one of the quieter (but slightly more expensive) bars where people aren’t sweaty or shouting at each other.
      I also feel like I’m the “advice friend” for a number of my friends, like they have their set group of friends: fun friends; advice friends; shopping friends, etc.

      But…I can only sympathize. I’d like to meet more people where I am, but most of the people that want to befriend me are straight up weird and I’m not into dealing with that.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I know exactly what you mean about weird people. It seems like the people that take in interest in me are either full of drama or are just weird. I got rid of a friend years ago because of the drama. I’m not about to befriend another person like that!

    4. Former Shy Person*

      You’re not missing anything by avoiding bars. They can be fun, but my experience is that they’re good for occasional nights out or having a circle of acquaintances. They’re not great for forming genuine, long lasting friendships.

      What kinds of things do you like to do outside of the house? Activities are a good way to start meeting new people.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Well, since I’m not out very often…

        When I’m out I tend to enjoy looking around in craft stores, book stores, and especially kitchen stores; I’m always one kitchen utensil or gadget away from the “best meal ever.” I like the library. I’d like to start walking since I now live in an area where I feel safe, it’s quiet and nature is all around. We like to eat out. I like the movies (getting hubby to a movie is like pulling teeth). I’m having trouble coming up with more things since I’m not out very often and haven’t done much of anything. Part of the reason, too, is that we’re tight on money because of the tenant situation. I’d like to learn how to garden, or at least not kill my landscaping. LOL

        1. Dynamic Beige*

          Some meetups are movie clubs, so that might work for you. If you would like to learn to garden, see if there’s a gardening/horticulture society in your area — there might be a small fee to join but you would be with other people who like to garden.

    5. Sweetheart of the Rodeo*

      I often experience similar feelings. I’m an introvert and most of what I like to do (paint, sew, yoga, read, walk, recover from a workplace that’s awful for introverts) is fairly solitary. And dull, in most people’s eyes. The American idea of “fun” is awful to me. So my friends tend to turn to me when they feel bad, because I’m empathetic and responsive, but not when they’re feeling great and they want to go out and do something with their fun friends. It is lonely. I’m not sure there’s an answer.
      Find friends who are healthy and reasonably sober, go out for dinner in small groups, and don’t be your friends’ therapist. It’s not rewarding. I wish you were my neighbor — it’s sometimes the casual interactions with neighbors that remind me I do have a community and I’m not alone, without forcing me to be “fun.
      And remember that Facebook is just the highlights reel. I have to tell myself this ALL THE TIME. You have better things to do than be drunk in bars on a regular basis.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I feel like you’re inside my head! I often feel as though I don’t fit in because the things I like to do (reading, TV, cross stitch, blogging, cooking) aren’t things they like to do, and usually aren’t the typical idea of “fun” for many people.

        Yes, I do often feel like I’m their therapist; I hate that feeling. With the best friend I’ve backed off a bit. She stayed with me for two weeks very recently due to drama in her life – she left Friday – and what was nice was that I didn’t have to be a therapist. We just went about our business and it was fine; however, on the weekends she was gone Friday night, all day Saturday, and Sunday doing her usual thing. That hurt a bit. I would have like to have watched some movies or gone for a walk, but she didn’t even give me the chance to ask since she left right from work to go out and had already made plans for the rest of the weekend.

        1. Sweetheart of the Rodeo*

          And the funny/not-funny part is that it really is harder to meet others with our interests, because we’re all at home alone. I envy the introverts who find their life partner early on and it works out for them so they have the right balance of solitude and company. And someone to take them to the doctor or meet them at the airport. I’ve never had anyone meet me at the airport.

        2. Trixie*

          Between book clubs, knitting/cross stitchery, walking groups and cooking clubs, you’ll find something on meet up. Most of the ones I belong to don’t’ cost anything so no money involved there. If you don’t’ find a specific group in your area, you might consider starting one or asking meet up to keep you notified if someone else does. Also, volunteering. Maybe at an animal shelter walking the dogs or playing with kitties, they love introverts and extraverts alike.

          I think there is a lot to be found right out fingertips once we start looking. Keep us posted!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Honestly, I think your friends are reminding you that you need more going on in your life than you have right now. So no, it’s not jealousy or any of that. It’s an irritant. It’s a nagging subconscious reminder that you would like a little more than what you have now. Okay this is down right annoying because you know you are an introvert, why the big deal? People change. Needs change. You’ve changed and probably have not noticed little changes about yourself.

      Find something new to do, with in reason so that you actually do it. See where that puts you, in regard to your friends.

      I used to drink regularly, hit the bars what not. When I quit doing that I lost my friends. I had to expand my life so I was doing other things. My friends kept doing the same things that I was no longer doing. We drifted apart- we could not relate to each others lives. You are growing in different ways from them. In some ways they are losing their ability to relate to your life. This happens.

      The other thing I would suggest is to remember that friendships are reciprocal. There is a back and a forth- give and take. So you are their shrink, what do they do they give you? I don’t mean things, I mean how do they enrich your life? If you don’t expect friends to enrich your life, you will end up with friends that don’t enrich your life. (I can’t tell you how many years it took me to figure that one out.) Expect more out of your friends.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Some real food for thought here. Thank you!

        “how do they enrich your life?”
        Hmm. One has been a friend for 30+ years, and the other for about 25 years. And I can’t think of anything off the top of my head. Probably not a good sign that I really have to think about this one.

  51. Awful Waffle*

    Please help me settle a disagreement. My mother and brother work at the same company. My mom has worked there for several years and has a great reputation for being a hard worker and ethical. My brother is in his late 20’s and while he is a good worker, he is a bit arrogant and thinks he already knows everything about life (but really – didn’t most of us feel that way too?).

    Coworkers have been coming up to my mother with life advice for my brother (i.e. when to buy a home, when to sell his vehicle, etc). My mom does her best to guide us kids but honestly – we are all adults and on our own financially, so we are going to do what we feel is best for our situation. Our father died several years ago.

    Personally, I wouldn’t want coworkers who have “issues” with how issues handle my life coming up to my mother expressing those concerns. My mom feels like their intent is that it’s coming from a helpful place and that my brother should be thankful. I feel like it’s inappropriate for coworkers to come to my mother. I also feel like it’s none of their darn business how I handle my life and if it were me, I would probably tell them politely to worry about their own life/children.

    1. Ruffingit*

      It is incredibly inappropriate. So much so that it surprises me that your mother can’t see that. She needs to tell the co-workers that she appreciates their concern, but at work, her son is just another co-worker and she is not interested in hearing what they have to say about his life. Wow. I just can’t even understand why anyone would think this was OK.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        “I thank you for your concern, but my son is an adult and if you have some tip or advice for him, you need to discuss that with him in person.”

        Boundaries. She needs to set some up and enforce them like an electric fence.

        1. Awful Waffle*

          ITA about boundaries – I’ve spoken to her about this (she has problems with it in general). I even gave her a book about it that helped me tremendously and I still don’t know if she’s ever read it.

    2. fposte*

      There’s a bit of an irony here, Awful–isn’t this your mother and brother’s business and not yours :-)? Yeah, sure, it’s inappropriate for co-workers to do this, but they’re already doing it, so it’s too late to stop that. If your mother is passing these tidbits to your brother about this and he doesn’t want her to, he can presumably deal with that; if he’s too old to be getting advice through his mom, he’s old enough to deal with her himself. If your mother isn’t passing these tidbits along and is just shrugging them off, she’s dealing with that.

      I think you’re taking this personally when it’s not about you. You might tell your mother that you don’t want to hear about this any more because you clearly disagree, so you’ll have less chance of getting it in your face. But mostly I’d suggest you let this one go because it’s not happening to you.

      1. Awful Waffle*

        That’s a really great point about the irony actually. I guess why it frustrates me so much is that she (in a way) brings me into the situation by asking for my advice about it. I told her what I thought/my perspective and she didn’t like it. My brother is stubborn and I’m one of the few people he halfway listens to. I think I’m just going to have to ask her not to loop me into these conversations anymore – that’s probably the best thing.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, I figured there was some family interweaving going on here. I agree with the backing out of the knot notion–they’re grownups, they’ll deal.

    3. Artemesia*

      This wouldn’t be happening if the first few times it did your mother said ‘If you have issues with Ferdie, you need to talk with him. He is a grown man and his mommy doesn’t run his life.’ And then shut up — She should not engage anyone in this kind of inappropriate chatter. If I were your brother I would be enraged if this got back to me. People don’t keep offering advice when it is firmly turned away like this.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Agreeing with fposte here, AW. I do not see anyone having great behavior here.

      1. Nosy coworkers with no boundaries.
      2. Mom that can’t seem to tell them MYOB.
      3. Mom that has to draw you into this.
      4. Bro that does not take advice from anyone.
      5. Mom that feels that she can dictate how Bro should feel. No. That’s not how that works.

      It’s a sinkhole, stay away.

  52. AvonLady Barksdale*

    It’s my bestest buddy’s 2nd adoptaversary tomorrow! Some days I can’t believe it’s been two years already, some days I can’t believe it’s only two years. He is the absolute light of my life. I hope to celebrate with a delicious marrow bone (for him!), but I have to find a butcher (our grocery store doesn’t sell them) or try Whole Foods. I will also raise a glass to all the rescue buddies and their mamas and papas– may they all have happy lives filled with belly rubs, treats, and plenty of scritches!

    1. Ruffingit*

      Aww, I love this! Around here we call it “Gotcha Day.” The day we got our sweet fur baby :) Congrats on 2 years together and here’s to many more years of happiness with your best buddy!

    2. the gold digger*

      Try marrow bones for yourself, too! It seems strange to me that your grocery store does not carry them – I know of at least two chains by me that carry them. They are $1.49 a pound and in the meat case. (They are an essential ingredient in harira and also good on their own roasted with salt.)

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Oh, trust me, I love bone marrow! But we have a vegetarian house. Any time we go to a restaurant with bone marrow on the menu, my bf knows I’m ordering it.

        It is indeed strange not to find it around here, but I’ll keep looking. I used to live across the street from what I called “the hipster butcher”, so we always had access to great bones, but here, not so much apparently.

        1. the gold digger*

          I was in a restaurant in a big city near a super liberal college town and overheard another diner say to her friend, “I could never order the veal in [liberal college town]!”

    3. Cath in Canada*

      Awww!

      We got our cats about 8 months after our wedding, and the shelter said they were about 8 months old when we adopted them. We’ve therefore declared our wedding anniversary to be their birthday. They were the best wedding present we got – we just didn’t realise it until 8 months later!

    4. Blue_eyes*

      Yay! Have a good day with your buddy. We’re hoping to adopt a dog soon. Two friends who have a dog celebrate “Family Day” every year on their dog’s adoptaversary, because it’s the day they became a family (yes they are the cutest couple ever).

  53. INTP*

    If you eliminated something from your diet, and had good (but not extremely dramatic) results, did you do a reintroduction to confirm those results were real and not coincidental? How did you do it? Or did you just trust them?

    I’ve been gluten free for a little over two months after a doctor suggested a 30 day experiment for my ADHD. In that time, I feel like my allergy and breathing symptoms are a lot better, I’ve hardly had any mouth sores (this used to be a big annoyance for me), and the, uh, loose digestion I was having a few days a week has been almost entirely gone (I’ve had it twice – once after accidentally eating a cracker and once after eating at Denny’s and not asking them to clean the grill – but I was also out of town both of those days and eating more processed GF food than usual) since two weeks in. So, it seems like I’m benefiting, but those are all things that were kind of irregular anyways (no pun intended), and this is an expensive diet to continue if they are coincidental and not really due to the gluten elimination. However, I’ll need to reintroduce eventually because I think I should be tested for celiac disease (my mom and grandma both have autoimmune diseases, and I had some symptoms that could be related) and you have to eat a lot of gluten to create antibodies again if you have it.

    I’m not sure if I should try a reintroduction soon, before restocking some of the GF groceries I’m running out of, or just wait to talk to a doctor about CD testing. To be honest, the thought of eating gluten twice a day for three days is not even appetizing at this point. At the same time, the price of GF groceries also stresses me out a bit.

    1. fposte*

      What about shopping in a non-gluteny way without buying the specific gluten-free stuff for the interim? If you’re going to be going gluten-free longterm that’ll probably be something you’ll want to be able to do sometimes, if only for financial reasons. So go for quinoa and polenta and oats and rice and cheese and meat and salad with lovely dressing and wonderful fruits, etc. I’m on FODMAP so I can’t eat most gluten stuff at the moment, and it’s a lot easier when I just shop around the issue rather than purchasing replacements.

      1. INTP*

        That’s what I do for the most part, and what I did for basically the entire first month. I do like to bake, though, and have something treatlike like pizza or pancakes or grilled cheese or something a couple of times a week. The replacement products are for those couple of meals a week, not an everyday thing. I haven’t totally loved the naturally GF versions of those things that I’ve tried, like chickpea flour pizza (I like the chickpea crepes, but they don’t taste right as a pizza base) and I got so bored of buckwheat pancakes.

        But on a day-to-day basis, I totally agree with you, the ingredient lists of the GF bread and pizza crust and such are so complicated that I would never eat them as staple foods even if they were cheap.

        1. fposte*

          God, I miss baking.

          I think the gluten-free analogues have a double whammy–not only are they disappointing on the taste front, you’ve paid quite the premium for something that’s not nearly as good. Feh.

        1. fposte*

          Thank you; it is incredibly tedious and it makes travel really annoying. On the bright side, I’m losing weight because it’s so dull, but that’s going to need an endpoint; I don’t want “She died of rice crackers” on my tombstone.

          1. TL -*

            I cried in a grocery store the second or third week I was on it – it was after a month or two of a different restriction diet, then being switched to FODMAP so I’d kinda hit my limit.

            But on the plus side, it really does help a lot of people as they reintroduce, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!

    2. the gold digger*

      The orthodox Jewish acupuncturist at the drug rehab clinic whom I saw after the neurologist told me she could not do anything about my migraines (after prescribing many expensive drugs that caused me to gain weight and made my hair fall out but did not stop my headaches) suggested that I do a one-week elimination test for gluten (which as you know is super hard – gluten is in everything) and then for dairy. I just happened to reduce the amount of caffeine I was consuming as well and my headaches started going away.

      I decided to conduct a longer test – I went three months without caffeine and three months without a headache. This after having at least one headache a week.

      It seemed to be a pretty solid confirmation.

      So what was I saying? Oh. For me, it took only a week or two for the relationship between my problem and a specific food to be clear. I have since cheated and will drink caffeine, but then I will get more headaches. (Caffeine does not cause my headaches, but it seems to raise the baseline for my other triggers, which are glare, lack of sleep, and flickering florescent lights.)

      1. TL -*

        Your neurologist was not very good in that aspect. Eliminating caffeine is one of the first things that should be recommended for repeat headaches. Ugh. :(

        1. Nashira*

          Seconded! Mine about read me the riot act when he found out I have a can of Coke a day. I’m really supposed to cut it out, and I’m genuinely trying to.

        2. the gold digger*

          Yeah, just throwing a few photocopied pages to me and saying “Read these” is not what I expect from someone who bills at $800 an hour. I sure would have liked to know that caffeine was a factor before I spent $140 on lyrica and who knows how much on depakote and how much on the other drugs that did not even work. (But did make my hair fall out! And did make me gain weight!)

    3. Colette*

      If you get tested and find out you have celiac disease, will that help you? I.e. Will it just mean you eat gluten free or does it affect medical treatment in general? If you need to know for other reasons, then I’d get the test. Otherwise, if you feel better without eating gluten, just keep not eating it.

      1. INTP*

        It’s helpful in that it determines how strict you need to be. If you have CD you have to be extremely careful of even small amounts of gluten that might not cause noticeable reactions – for example, avoiding restaurants without a dedicated area for preparing the gluten free foods or foods that are naturally GF but might be cross-contaminated in a manufacturing facility. And you are also never, ever supposed to “cheat.” On the other hand, if it’s just an intolerance, I would probably not worry about cross contamination unless it caused noticeable symptoms and I might have cake on my birthday or pasta at my very favorite restaurant once a year.

        1. TL -*

          If you have confirmed Celiac’s, you can also count all your GF purchases as tax deductions so there’s money savings there (you claim the differences between normal food and your GF purchases.)

            1. TL -*

              You have to itemize but I don’t know much more than that – it’s a reason my doctor told me to get tested but I have a wheat allergy not celiac’s.

          2. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Is it a medical deduction? If so, I think medical expenses need to be 10% of your income before they’re deductible. (I’m not positive, so no one should take my word on it. But having just done my taxes, I think that’s what I saw.)

            1. fposte*

              Right, the total has to reach 10% of your AGI now; it used to be 7.5%. But you have to add them up to figure out if they reach 10% anyway.

              If your FSA considers it eligible, that’s probably a more reliable way of doing those purchases tax-free.

              1. INTP*

                At the moment, I definitely spend way more than 10% of my income on food. But a) I’m also poor at the moment so I don’t itemize anyways (my standard deduction is nearly half my income) and b) the vast majority of that is not specialized “gluten free” food, even if it’s naturally gluten free stuff that happens to be a lot more expensive than the alternatives (like quinoa), so I don’t know if that would count. Annoying if the government will help pay for frozen Udi’s pizzas and $8 pancake mix but not almond flour, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how it works.

                1. fposte*

                  Yeah, it’s only if that 10% is the actual medical stuff–the difference between $8 pancake mix and Bisquick, I guess. (The other downside to that is that it all sounds pretty labor-intensive, since you’ll have to have receipts and contrasting info for the regularly priced items.) And remember it’s just that that difference reduces your taxable income rather than coming directly off your taxes, so say it’s $10 difference a week and you’re in the 10% bracket, you will, more or less, save $52.

                2. TL -*

                  They should pay for almond flour versus the regular flour, I think. My impression is that it’s anything you buy instead of the normal gluten-containing version, so almond flour should suffice.

                  I hear you on the expensiveness of the diet, though. There are ways to make it better, but they mostly involve going without certain types of food and it’s harder to sacrifice when you’re already on a restricted diet.

          3. Not So NewReader*

            It used to be the difference between the doctor ordered food and what you would have bought normal.
            ANNDD,,, (I used to do this) you have to have comp prices to show the price of the regular food. You start with the date and the name of the store. Then you list the brand and the size and the price.
            You compare that to the things the doctor says to buy so that is another list, also with date and store name at the top. Then you list brand, size and price.

            It was recommended to me that I do this three times a year. This is the type of documentation that the IRS wants to see for this deduction.
            Yes, I put it under medical expense.
            ANND… make sure you have a note from your doctor saying it is a medical necessity. Keep the note in your fire safe because you can reference the note for all the years you take the deduction.
            Sure, I wrote off a thousand dollars worth of food, but it was days collecting the info and calculating that number.

            I don’t do this any more. Even throwing it into an Excel spreadsheet it was still very labor intensive..

  54. Elkay*

    I knew there was something I was going to ask on the open thread today, hope I’m not too far down. There are lots of readers on here so I’d like to know how you define your “favourite book”?

    1. Merry and Bright*

      To me, it is a book I never tire of reading, that I can read once or twice a year. A go-to book, comfort reading. Like chocolate without calories!

      1. Jillociraptor*

        Yes, I love when I re-read a book and have it take on a totally new meaning. I feel that way about Harry Potter. I get so much more/different out of the series as an adult than I did as a kid.

        1. Former Diet Coke Addict*

          My favourite books are Anne of Green Gables and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, both of which I read for the first time around 10-11ish. While it was magical to read them for the first time, reading them as an adult is heartbreaking and touching in entirely new and painful, yet emotional places. But in a good way.

    3. danr*

      Not just one… A book that I want to read many times. This changes over the years and I’ll go back to old favorites from time to time. Some of my favorites are parts of series and after awhile I find that I’ll just read the one book and not the whole series.

    5. Treena Kravm*

      For me, they’re all books that fundamentally changed the way I see the world. I’m actually really excited. My first favorite book was A Patch of Blue by Elizabeth Kata. It has been out of print since I read it at the public library, and I just bought a hardcover version.

      1. Elkay*

        Good find, there’s something very satisfying about getting hold of an out of print book.

        1. Merry and Bright*

          It’s the best feeling! I have also found plenty of books in Kindle edition which are still out of print in book form.

    6. Elkay*

      Other people’s answers match what I think. I was told off for claiming someone who doesn’t know the name of the lead character in a book can’t say that’s their favourite book.

      2. fposte*

        I think there aren’t really rules for this, though. It’s a book somebody remembers the emotions of reading, not one they’re studying for a test on.

        Since I read for work, I just have too many to have a favorite, and often the details will blend into another book. But I still know how much I loved, say, The Tulip Touch (don’t be misled be the title; it’s heartbreaking) even if I’m not sure of the protagonist’s name.

    7. nep*

      Anyone remember The Boxcar Children? I just have such dear memories of reading that book as a child. I’ve not looked at it since (many, many years).

      1. Blue_eyes*

        I’ve read many of the Boxcar Children books (it’s a whole series). Remember the feelings it gave you, and I beg you, do not go back and read them. Pretty sure there are a lot of outdated (sexist, racist, etc.) attitudes that would not give you the same feelings now.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I’d say a book I never get tired of, that when I go back to it again reading it feels like visiting with a friend. In a snuggly comforter. While eating my favorite food.

      Some faves:
      –A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
      –Rebecca
      –The Little House books
      –Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (I love them all but that’s my favorite)
      –Summer of my German Soldier
      –a book I read in high school about a blind girl called Light a Single Candle
      –50 Great Horror Stories, edited by John Canning (scared me and I was so happy when I found a copy)

      I read almost all of these as a kid (not Harry Potter). There are many more!

          1. fposte*

            I could only find it in large print, which annoyed me as a kid–only when I became an adult did I realize that, duh, a book about a woman with vision problems should be available to people with vision problems.

              1. fposte*

                Ow, wow; complete with the obligatory guy leaning on the tree in the back. It will be a whole new experience in small print–thanks!

      2. V. Meadowsweet*

        I’d say a book I never get tired of, that when I go back to it again reading it feels like visiting with a friend.

        all of the yes

    9. C Average*

      I love books that, like old friends, meet me where I am at the time and still always have something new to say to me.

      Being sentimental by nature, I also prefer books that uplift.

      Someone here mentioned “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn,” which I love. When I first read it as a child, I felt that the author understood what it was like to be a child. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve returned to it and found new layers of meaning, new wisdom in the author’s words, and still the same beloved story.

      A book called “Green Dolphin Street” that I found on my great-aunt’s shelf as a teenager is a similar kind of book for me, and is probably my favorite book of all time. I feel as though I have grown up with the characters and we understand each other better and better as the years pass.

      (The book isn’t on Kindle and I’ve actually reached out to one of the websites that produces ebooks to see if I can help create one. I’ve read it so many times that actually typing out every word of it doesn’t seem insane!)

    10. Mephyle*

      I have different kinds of favourite books, quite a few of which have already been mentioned.
      The one I read over and over again when I was a teenager/young adult.
      The one need to I re-read every X years. (X=1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 10 for various different books)
      The one I chain-read three times when I first got it; after that I think it’s going on the two-year or the three-year list.
      The one I read only once, because once was enough (in a good way).
      The one that was like a body punch (in a good way).
      The one that I buy every time I come across a copy in a second-hand bookstore so that I have extra copies to give away because you need to read it. Everybody needs to read it.
      The one that I spent a whole afternoon mocking up a new dust cover for (in spite of my lack of design talent) because the cover illustration and font were all wrong, wrong for the era.
      The one(s) for which I print out my own foreword or coda and tape it into the book.
      The one that if some random remark reminds me of the relevant passage in the book, I will leap up and search my bookshelves and the conversation can’t continue until I’ve found it and made you listen to it.
      The one that changed the way I saw the world.
      The one that made me both laugh and cry in different parts of the book.
      The one that I felt empty afterwards to think that it was fiction and I would never know what happened to the characters afterwards.
      The one I that was more real to me while I was reading it than my real life.

    11. Ruffingit*

      It’s a book that stays with me and that I always remember. It’s not something I have to read over and over again, it’s just something that I continue to think about throughout the years. The Dive From Clausen’s Pier was one such book. Also Vinegar Hill.

  55. Treena Kravm*

    Has anyone heard of Future Advisor? It’s a new start-up and is basically the equivalent of Mint but for investing.

    1. fposte*

      They’re cheaper than many brokers and they do focus on index funds, from what I can see, so that’s good. I’ve heard reports that they’re somewhat pricey for what they’re actually doing (it’s .5 per year for basically making you a target date fund), and it looks like they favor portfolios that are more complicated than they have to be; it also sounds like they do a lot of emphasis on past performance (ironic in light of their name) that’s a little misleading.

      They’ve been around since 2012 at least, so they’re not that new.

      1. Treena Kravm*

        Yea, I figured it seemed a little too perfect with all their claims. I’m definitely sticking with Charles Schwab, but it seems like a decent place to start getting your feet wet with investing. I skimmed a couple of their informational articles and it seems like a good place for Investing 101 info.

        Makes sense that they’re not brand-new. I was specifically impressed at how big they were/how many women were are on their team (8-9!).

  56. Dating Story*

    I went out on a date last night, sort of an impromptu thing. The guy was nice, but he seemed boring, not much for conversation. I started to get annoyed with all the small talk. I wanted to go home, but I kept hanging out with him, making sure we had a good time even if we weren’t talking much.

    At the end of the night, we got into a real conversation and he told me that his sister had recently been killed by a drunk driver and that he was going out of town a lot to attend the court proceedings. It was a good reminder not to judge someone, especially if they seem nice like a nice person overall.

    1. Clever Name*

      Oh no! No wonder he was subdued. Good reminder. I’m definitely guilty of labeling people as “boring”.

    2. Blue_eyes*

      Maybe worth giving him another chance? I know that when I first meet new people I sometimes come off as boring, especially if I’m nervous because I don’t want to say anything “weird,” but then I don’t say anything interesting either. And of course in his case, he may be not his usual self due to such a sudden loss.

      1. Dating Story*

        I’m definitely going to try and befriend him. I’m in a “friends first” kind of place myself. Not ready for a relationship unless I’m already friends with the person. We have a lot in common so it should be easy to keep hanging out and doing stuff. We already sort of have plans to hang out in a couple of weeks.

  57. Anonym*

    One or more of below:
    – Great language
    – Made me think or moved me
    – Related to a character or made me admire a character
    And listing few of my favourite books across time periods – Persuasion, Count of Monte Cristo, A tale of two cities, The Room, Book Thief, Big little lies, Girl with Pearl Earring amongst many more :)

  58. StillHealing*

    Flying out of Sea-Tac this morning. I soooo need this vacation to visit my childhood girlfriends. My stbx (soon to be ex-husband) keeps triggering my PTSD. His gaslighting is mindboggling. I don’t know how to get him to cooperate to complete the divorce before he moves back east to live with The Other Woman. He’s given notice at his work. He’s got a job back east that pays exactly half of what he’s making now. Very limited benefits. I will need to cover my son on my insurance. I just got my first permanent job in three years. (Off work healing from PTSD). My salary is not enough to support my son and I, here in Seattle. Stbx doesn’t want to pay any spousal maintenance. He’s now threatening to make ME pay HIM. But he’s lazy and cheap and won’t spend money on a lawyer. I pay one by the hour. I’ve done all the legwork, filed all the papers and paid for every thing myself. I told him he will need to pay me half of my expenses back. Crickets. No response from him. I’ve asked him for documents so we can proceed with the divorce but he will not respond. I’m going to have to get a court order. I told him since he gave his notice at work, that half of his vacation and sick leave cash out – is legally mine. He’s livid. It’s worth at least 20k. I am looking forward to the divorce being final and him moving away. I hope I never see him again. Wow, didn’t realize how off track vI got there….. Back to my one week vacation. I’m so thankful for my long term friends. Hope the stress leaves my body the higher the plane soars….

    1. Elkay*

      He’s a douche but you already knew that. I hope he isn’t managing to hide funds before the divorce and you get all you’re due. Enjoy your break.

      1. StillHealing*

        Thank you. Cellphone records show he called a bank back east when he was back there…. Will make him go before a judge. Yet, I’m not sure he’ll even be able to tell the truth then. I didn’t know what a jerk he was until this divorce process. He told me I’m punishing him by needing spousal support.

    2. Clever Name*

      No fun. Sounds like your stbx doesn’t realize that it’s just not up to him who pays who spousal support. That’s for the court to decide. Keep on keepin’ on. Maybe keep a document of the actions you’re taking and his non response. Keep your eye on the endgame: your freedom.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        Document everything. Keep voicemail messages or e-mails he sends with all this petulant whiny BS.

      2. Windchime*

        Yep, I agree. He doesn’t get to decide whether or not he pays spousal support *or* child support. Let him whine about being punished. The courts will decide.

        Take care of yourself. You are going through the hardest part right now; it will get easier once the dust settles and you don’t have to deal with him on a daily basis.

    3. Ruffingit*

      Really glad to hear you have a lawyer. This guy sucks. He’s threatening to make you pay him?? Yeah right. His choice to take a huge pay cut so he can live with his mistress is not likely going to be a reason for you to pay him spousal support. Also, he’s likely going to have to help with the health insurance costs for your son regardless of you being the one to insure him. Ask your lawyer about all of this and, if possible, quit communicating with your ex. Tell him he can talk to your lawyer if he has questions/threats/craptastic info to share. He is a scum bag and you are well rid of him. I can only hope you’re able to decompress while you’re away and regain some emotional balance.

  59. Life of Reilly*

    I’m an MFA dropout (creative writing). I started last summer for a number of reasons, one major one being that I have a job that has so much downtime that I’m drowning in boredom. I’m a good student (graduated summa from my undergrad program) but I tend to freak out when I’m in school. Talked to a counselor about it and she said I just need to accept that “this is what I do, and in the end, I always do well and get a good grade.”
    I was disappointed in my program for various reason, but can’t switch to another one b/c I get tuition remission. I dropped out (unexpectedly) before the current semester started b/c I flipped out. I lost a very dear pet and had some family issues at Christmas (Christmastime is always kind of bad for me and has been for years). I lost all my confidence and told myself I didn’t want to do it anymore; I couldn’t take the pressure.

    Instead of peace of mind, I have the durned program on my mind every day. Plus, because I work on campus, I keep running into people who are in the program or associated with it. I’m thinking of going back b/c I feel like I have so little in my life. I can’t join a writer’s group or any kind of clubs b/c I work evenings and weekends. I’m married with no kids. Not much of a social life. Plus I think this is going to nag at me until I go back.

    Thoughts? Feelings? I’m probably just another neurotic writer, right? ;)

      1. Life of Reilly*

        Only in my journal, every day. And I’m proud of that because I have not kept a daily journal since high school!

    2. fposte*

      I can’t tell if this is “Convince me to go back into the program because I want to but I’m scared” or if it is “Can you convince me that I’ve made a decision not to go back in the program so I can let it go?”

      The reasons you give for going back in don’t seem hugely compelling–it’ll nag at you, and you feel you have so little. But the reasons you dropped out don’t seem insurmountable, either–after a tough period you decided you just didn’t have the confidence at the moment. Do you want to do an MFA? Did you enjoy the program before you went south on it? Do you know yet what you’ll do when it’s over to fill your days? Have you talked to a therapist about the lack of confidence (which I’m thinking could be anxiety or depression based) and your current quandary?

      Overall, I run “Eh, if tuition’s waived and you’re not pulled elsewhere, might as well finish,” but such an early walkaway makes me want you to be careful here. It’s possible that this is a process that even without Christmas will be a challenge for your confidence, so I’d like you to have some therapeutic backup–I don’t think you’d enjoy dropping the program a second time.

      1. Life of Reilly*

        All very good points. Overall, I wasn’t enjoying myself all that much in the program. It wasn’t what I thought it would be, and I found my cohort a disappointment (it is a low residency program). I am suffering from depression and anxiety, and a good deal of this is “OMG I am 51 years old what do I do with my life?” I would be proud to earn a master’s degree, but I don’t feel a terrible urge to be writing all the time. I think that was a red flag for me.
        I know that as long as I am in school, I will suffer lack of confidence. I don’t have much self-confidence, period. I’ve thought of going into therapy (yet again) but I can’t bring myself to do it. I spent many, many years in therapy (probably half my life, if you add it up) and yet here I am. I can’t help but wonder what good MORE therapy is going to do.

        1. fposte*

          If you weren’t enjoying the program, then even with tuition remission it doesn’t seem like a good use of your time. I can get it’s a useful way of delaying the “OMG what do I do with my life?” a bit, but even as a delaying tactic I think it needs to be more rewarding.

          I can see that you might have some therapy exhaustion at this point :-). But what you’re talking about seems not just about anxiety but also kind of midlife-crisisy, and if you haven’t talked from that perspective it might be worth exploring–that’s a bit of a different ballgame.

          So I vote dump it. It’s not a fit for you, free or no. You’re finding writing in your journal rewarding, and you can join NaNoWriMo when it comes around. On the what-do-I-do-with-my-day front, would you consider fostering for an animal rescue or shelter? Or maybe even volunteering–ours lets you come and walk dogs, for instance? On the larger front, what about trying to view your life as having meaning as it is rather than being a shortfall?

    3. Buu*

      Thought about starting a day time writer’s group? I’m sure there are plenty of people who can’t do evenings.

    4. Jean*

      >Plus I think this is going to nag at me until I go back.
      Maybe this is the universe telling you to finish the program, even if you have to file the experience under “one more alternative rejected while deciding what I enjoy doing.” I hope that you instead get to graduate with a small body of your own finished work, even if it remains unpublished and/or if you don’t go on to be a perpetually best-selling author (or do whatever else defines being A Successful Writer.) Can you and the program work together to help you go back part-time or whatever? Can you redefine your “dropping out” into “took a leave of absence”? Worst case scenario might be that the dropped time still counts as part of your tuition remission, so you have to pay a small part of your tuition. Hopefully you can manage the cost if the program gives you some time to save up.

      >I’m probably just another neurotic writer, right? ;)
      From one “neurotic writer” to another (!), we need to be less self-disparaging! A writer is a writer, even if it’s just for oneself or a few close friends. (No, we mostly-unpublished people don’t get to claim credit beyond our achievements, but that rule holds true in all areas of life. A musician is a musician but don’t misrepresent yourself as playing in the Cleveland Orchestra if you’re part of the community symphony.)

      1. Life of Reilly*

        I have an open invitation to meet with the director of the program. She is an old friend from undergrad days. I can go back part time if I want. I need to give her a call.
        “Leave of absence” is a good way of looking at it; thanks!
        I was fortunate enough to be published as a journalist and in a national craft magazine and I’ll be forever grateful for that. I know a lot of people in the MFA programs enter contests and submit to journals, but that doesn’t appeal to me at the moment.
        Good luck with your writing too!

    5. Onymouse*

      It sounds like this would be more of a personal interest/hobby degree for you rather than something you need for your career. Are there other programs at your college that pique your interest more? It doesn’t have to be a masters – if you’re interested in education for the sake of it, a second bachelor’s in a new field can also be rewarding (assuming you still get the tuition remission).

  60. Treena Kravm*

    I saw my semi-long distance partner for the first time in a few months yesterday (yay!). We got into a conversation that really illustrated some issues with gender for me. He’s in the process of growing out his hair, and it’s in that awkward length stage. Out of the blue, he said, “Hey you always have great hair, do you have any advice so it’s not so crazy?” I answered honestly and said I’m not the best person to ask because my hair is awesome on it’s own. I literally shampoo and air dry, brushing it maybe 2-3x/week. Never colored, straightened, curled, or dried it.

    All this to say that I ended up giving him a lot of good advice anyways. And afterwards, I wondered why he didn’t know this stuff already, and realized it’s because I’m a woman. We’re literally trained to absorb all sorts of information about beauty and our looks over other non-gendered topics. The really shocking thing for me was that he didn’t know if eyebrow color was different than hair color, it’s probable that the person dyes their hair.

    Has anyone been surprised to find out what a man didn’t know about something?

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Any man who has lived with any women and doesn’t know about periods at ALL makes me look askance. I’m sorry, but that’s just basic stuff. I know it can seem weird and freaky, but if you can’t even be arsed to ask a couple of questions so you at least know what’s going on, what the hell. If you’re too nervous to ask, there is this thing called THE INTERNET.

      Or if you are afraid to buy supplies for your SO. If the situation were reversed and my guy needed ball pads or something, I’d buy them.

      1. Kai*

        Seriously–I still remember when my dad (who is a BIOLOGIST) was getting frustrated with my teenage sister during a family vacation to Hawaii because she had her period and didn’t want to go snorkeling. I was trying to explain her reasoning to him, and he just looked at me and said “So…there’s no way to…stop the flow?” Come on man, you do science for a living.

    2. nona*

      Yeah, I’ve had conversations like that with guys. I’m sure it goes the other way around, too. Like I almost never hear men talk about fashion. It’s interesting to read about.

      It does seem like some guys are nervously confused about something about women for a very long time before they ask anyone. Y’all, we use the Internet too! It’s all out there. It’s how a lot of us learn this stuff. Try Google and YouTube.

    3. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      Huh. My eyebrows have never been the same color as my hair. Like, at all.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, lots of redheads and blondes especially, in my experience, have darker eyebrow hair. And I mean people whose dyeing practices I’d have known about. In celebrities, I think the Olsen twins have had dark eyebrows ever since they were kids, as has Lindsay Lohan.

        1. ZSD*

          Yeah, my hair is naturally blonde, and my eyebrows are brown. If I lived only in the dark, my hair and eyebrows might be the same color, but the sun lightens my hair naturally much more than it does my eyebrows.

          1. fposte*

            I think fair-eyebrowed blondes are less common than we think. That’s one of the things that makes Tilda Swinton stand out–she’s got light eyebrows.

        2. Delyssia*

          My natural hair color is medium-dark brown. My eyebrows (and eyelashes) are black. The upside of this is that I can totally pull off jet black hair, when I feel so inclined (I’m more red these days).

      2. Treena Kravm*

        Don’t worry, I included the possibility of naturally different tones for eyebrows/head in my beauty lecture! It’s been drilled in me since one of my babysitters ranted about how people thought she was trashy for dying her hair with blonde streaks, but that’s naturally how it grew!

    4. Kai*

      I think about the gendered topics bit a lot, too. Last night I went out to dinner with three men (I’m a woman). They got started talking about WWII planes, and I not only had nothing to contribute to the conversation, but was incredibly bored by the topic anyway. I do wonder if I’d feel differently if I were a man–like, not that I’d necessarily be interested in planes, but maybe I’d have been trained from a young age to be interested in “boy” stuff generally. Obviously, huge quotation marks around “boy” and “girl” because I doubt that very much of that is ingrained in us.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I heard about WWII planes since I was a little girl. That did not help to improve that topic AT ALL as an adult. I was still bored and faking interest. I think planes are one of those things that either you are interested or not. No gray areas.
        I have notice if I mention about the planes to some men, they will say, “oh. interesting.” and change the topic. We know what that means.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        Men who aren’t into WWII airplanes are put in just as awkward a situation and usually bow out (if honest) or pretend to know stuff (if dishonest).

    5. BeckyDaTechie*

      Basic cooking skills. Before I moved in with my Ex, he was living on frozen taquitos, canned soup, and fried eggs… and he hated fried eggs. So the first time I spent the night, I showed him how to make scrambled eggs and you’d have thought I hung the moon. I never realized cooking at home would be a gendered issue for people because my father taught me (cis female).

  61. I live to serve*

    I live in the Twin Cities area. I am not “handy” We need flooring for our downstairs/walkout area. Any recommendations for what to put down in an area that had had carpet (and flooded twice- once from a broken boiler, once from a broken icemaker) so no carpet . (also have asthma) and will not cost 10,000.
    Vendor suggestions would also be appreciated. Not loving home ownership right now.

    1. fposte*

      Ugh. What rooms are we talking about? I’d go vinyl for cheap and attractive and somewhat water-resistant in kitchen, bathroom, utility areas, but I don’t think you’d want it for living room space. Could you afford to do even a couple of rooms in hardwood if you’ve got living room/dining room in there?

    3. danr*

      Don’t overlook ceramic tile for the floor. It’s long lasting and looks great. Maintenance is easy too.

    4. NacSacJack*

      Do not put cork or plywood down. If you get flooded again enough, it gets moldy and starts deteriorating. Recommend old fashion tile squares and a drain in your basement.

  62. PitaChips*

    Has anyone ever been in a relationship where you’re emotionally/intellectually attracted to your partner, but aesthetically you’re just kind of…meh?

    I’m dating a guy that I get along with really well – we can talk for hours and also just sit comfortably quiet together on the couch – but I’m not crazy attracted to him. He’s nice-looking but doesn’t make me go, “Wow.” Am I just being shallow because I don’t think he’s hot? (I’m no supermodel myself here so I think it’s unfair of me to want to be with someone who’s drop-dead gorgeous.)

    1. TL -*

      Is it a lack of physical attraction? Is having good/great/superhot sex really important to you?

      If the answer is yes to either, than I wouldn’t suggest staying in that relationship – you’re just asking for trouble because eventually you will meet someone you are super attracted to who is attracted to you and you don’t want to be in a relationship where you already feel as if your physical needs have never been fully met when this happened.

      It’s really important to me, so I wouldn’t stay in a relationship where I didn’t feel crazy attracted to the person, at least for a good long period in the beginning. I don’t want to be in a relationship where it’s just an exaggerated friendship – I very much want the physical component to be important and good.

      Also, we are not obligated to only date people whose hotness matches ours. Tons of conventionally attractive people are attracted to non-conventionally attractive people, so if it’s important to you, it might take some more looking but it’s a possibility.

    2. RAR*

      I passed on a potential relationship years back for exactly that reason. He was one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met, and we clicked on so many levels…but there was ZERO physical attraction on my end. (He was attracted to me physically.) I felt kind of shallow for it (I’m not calling you shallow, OP – that’s just how I felt in my situation), but I felt that our long-term potential as a couple wasn’t strong if I wasn’t physically into him. Our friendship kind of ended after that, which was sad, but I don’t think a relationship would have been fulfilling for me or fair to him.

    3. S*

      I’m not in a relationship, but there’s a guy I know and hang out with a lot. We click really well intellectually and in terms of hobbies and interests, but there’s just… no physical attraction there on my end. He’s sent “I’m interested!” signals a few times, but I’ve never acted on it because… well… I’m shallow, but I can also see that for me, at least, this wouldn’t be a long-term relationship if it happened and I don’t know if he has the same view on it.

      1. TL -*

        I don’t think it’s being shallow. Sex and physical attraction is important in a relationship for the majority of people. You’re entitled to want that and not feel shallow! And you’re willing to be friends with them, so it’s clearly not a situation where someone has to be this attractive to hang with S.

    4. nep*

      I don’t think it’s shallow at all. It’s not really about ‘judging’ someone as not hot or not drop-dead gorgeous. Some people we’re physically attracted to, others not.
      Seems to me that over time this could evolve; might stay the same but could change. I can think of a couple of people I initially would not have found physically/sexually attractive — but very much so after getting to know them more deeply. Anyone else have that experience?

    5. MissDisplaced*

      Sex and physical attraction are important of course. However, people’s looks/health can and do fade over the long haul of a marriage, so you’d better actually LIKE that person for who they are, and they for you likewise. I find I think about these things a whole lot differently than I did when I was in my 20s and now place much less emphasis on looks and sex and more on emotional compatability and partnership. Maybe some would say that is settling, but needs do change. I mean, ideally it is perfect to have both right? But sometimes it just isn’t that way. In the end you have to do what makes you happy. If this guy doesn’t do that (for whatever reason) then he isn’t the right guy for you.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      My last bf wasn’t really all that good-looking–he was cute, and I was attracted to him, however. It’s completely true that your feelings make a difference. I mean, I could look at him and think, He’s not really my type; he’s short, he doesn’t have a huge amount of hair (on his head, LOL), and he’s a complete nerd. But we had fun together and we got along where it counted, if you know what I mean. I don’t want him back, but I’ll always think he’s cute because I cared for him.

      As for the supermodel thing, it goes both ways. If Mr. Drop-dead Gorgeous thought you were beautiful and loved you madly, why is that unfair? I’m kind of hoping for that myself. If I can want someone who doesn’t look like David Gandy (Google him; omg), then David Gandy could totally think I’m awesome.

    7. Kai*

      Yes, been there. And I don’t think it’s shallow at all–your partner doesn’t need to be drop-dead gorgeous, of course, but if physical attraction is important to you, then it’s not worth it to stay with someone you don’t feel that way about.

      So much of it is scientific, too. If your pheromones just don’t align with someone else’s, you may not feel attracted to them no matter how awesome they are, and that’s okay.

    8. Anonsie*

      We have a running joke in one of my circles: What do you call a guy who’s really great and you like a lot but aren’t attracted to physically?

      A friend.

    9. Treena Kravm*

      Definitely not shallow. Sometimes it’s just not there. My partner mentioned above is stereotypically gorgeous. Super cute, has like 4% body fat, and has huge muscles. I don’t like it. Obviously there’s nothing objectively wrong with it, but it just doesn’t do it for me. I’m a chubby chaser. So while I love being with him and talking with him, would he ever be a primary sexual partner? Definitely not. Wanted to throw my two cents in because my situation is a little backwards, but the same concepts apply. Just because you’re not interested in someone stereotypically not attractive, doesn’t make you a bad person!

  63. Bekx*

    Probably super late to the party on this one but I’m not sure how to handle this situation.

    I do martial arts, and just had my belt test yesterday. The only person that was there to test with me was this super creepy guy. He’s BIG. Like…double maybe even almost triple my weight and tall. He’s very touchy feely and has been giving me WEIRD vibes the last few months since he’s started. I don’t like how he acts around the younger girls either (he’s 28, they are like 14-16). He’s also said some rude comments to me — such as how he can’t believe I’m a higher belt than he is. He is literally there before the dojo opens to after the dojo closes. I think he’s lonely, but he’s really making me uncomfortable.

    I was really flustered during testing because he always tries to one up me. If I do something wrong he feels the need to show me what I’m doing wrong, or correct me. That’s fine and all, but he does it in such a condescending way and especially after the comment about me being a higher belt than him I’m just not okay with the comments. I told him to stop, and he apologized, but he still does it.

    I didn’t do that great in testing. And then I got even more flustered because I wasn’t doing that great AND he was like…trying to correct me during this (he is literally 3 belts below me). He punched me in the face and I have a black eye now. In his defense, I should have blocked better, but wow. Not only that, I can’t turn my wrist because trying to block that punch gave me a huge bruise.

    I’m not feeling comfortable at martial arts now that he’s there. I feel like he’s really creepy and condescending and I find that I’m not attending as much as I used to because I don’t want to deal with him. I told one of the other members how I feel, and she agreed with me and then told the owner that a few of us were feeling uncomfortable with him. Nothing happened, though honestly I’m not sure what to do. I like the people in the dojo, I like the classes, but honestly I’m debating quitting once my contract is up just because it doesn’t feel fun anymore. I’m in so much pain today I can barely walk, and even things like picking up my laptop caused my wrist to shoot with pain.

    Anyone have any input on what I should do?

    1. danr*

      He sounds like a bully. He deliberately baited you so he could prove that he was better. As for the creepy feelings, can you speak to the owners about it? If this were a regular gym, how would it be handled?

      1. Bekx*

        I’m not sure if bully is the right word for him. He’s kinda the “nice guy” fedora tipping dude. He is literally OBSESSED with martial arts. I think this is the only thing he has in his life.

        I’m honestly afraid that the owner will just tell me that I need to be able to block those attacks. He seemed interested when my friend mentioned to him that people are concerned about the guy, and just said that he noticed some odd behavior but wanted to see if anyone was uncomfortable before approaching him. Apparently the owner did talk to him about boundaries and respecting other people’s space.

        I’m not sure what can be done though, honestly. Others are uncomfortable by him, but since we’re the same age I think he targets me more than the others (maybe he likes me? Not sure). I seem to be getting the brunt of the comments, and I am NOT nice to him at all. He held out his hand for a handshake once, and I gave it and then he held onto it and like grasped it with both hands. I told him to let go and he said “it’s just a handshake.” REALLY set my creep-dar off.

        1. danr*

          I’m sorry, but “He’s kinda the “nice guy” fedora tipping dude.” is the person to watch out for. And it’s not “just a handshake”. It’s all ‘innocent’, but when you strike back it will be your fault. I watched kids do that when I taught. They would poke, poke, poke until the victim hit back. The teacher would not see the pokes, but see the hit and the victim would be in trouble.
          As for your wrist, have it looked at by a doctor if the pain doesn’t go away in a couple of days.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          He held out his hand for a handshake once, and I gave it and then he held onto it and like grasped it with both hands. I told him to let go and he said “it’s just a handshake.”

          This is what bullying looks like. You say no and he justifies his behavior. You back down.

          Bullies know how to be very nice as they are turning the knife in your back. No where is it written that bullies are constantly mean and angry. Some of the worst bullies seem like very nice people.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      If you talked to him and asked him to stop and he didn’t, maybe several of you can go to the owner together. If they don’t do anything, then maybe you’ll have to find another dojo (I know that’s unfair and it sucks). If he’s creeping on the younger girls, they need to know about it. That could be a huge liability for them if anything happens.

      It was my understanding from the little tae kwon do I took that you didn’t act like that in martial arts. I’m hating the owner right now.

      1. Bekx*

        At this point I’m thinking another dojo might be the only answer, which is a shame. I like the other students, and we’ve become friendly. I’m just so uncomfortable by this I don’t know what to do.

        I elaborated a bit in the comment above to danr about what the owner did when my friend approached him. The owner is practical, but he doesn’t really have bedside manner for a lack of a better term. I was really upset that when I got hit in the face the response was “Uh oh! You got hit! Your block was too high.” I mean, I get it. If I’m in a real situation this would be a problem. But I’m an emotional person and that made me tear up a bit. I don’t think I’d be able to keep my emotions in check if I went to speak with him.

        1. Dynamic Beige*

          So don’t keep them in check. IMO, as much as it sucks, Owner is not going to see there’s a problem until it starts hitting him in the wallet. If you go in there with your wrist bandaged up and your black eye and tell him flat out that you will not be renewing your contract because you have deep concerns over Average Frustrated Chump student, you don’t like the way he is disrespectful of other people, the way he looks at/deals with the younger female students, that this used to be a place you felt was a good, safe place to learn… he may be sorry to see you go. But you’re just one person and all he needs is one new student to replace you and problem solved. Once people start leaving in droves, Owner will decide to have a serious talk with AFC to go find a new dojo that suits him better. Or AFC does make a move on one of the younger students and then it’s going to be all kinds of bad.

          I would not be shocked at all to find out that AFC student likes martial arts because it’s the one place where he can beat up a girl and it’s “OK” because that’s how everyone is supposed to learn. If you were walking down the street and he just walked up and punched you in the face, martial arts blocking or not, he’d be arrested for assault. I would not be surprised to find out he knows this and enjoys it.

          Maybe you need to buy a copy of The Gift of Fear as a going away present to the Owner. Owner may not have concerns or issues because as a man, authority figure and probably a very high degree belt in his own right, I’m sure AFC treats him differently than he does those he feels are inferior to him.

        2. Florida*

          I studied martial arts (Japanese karate) for several years. There should never be anyone in the dojo who wants to hurt you. Yes, people get hurt occasionally, but those are accidents. If someone is really trying to hurt people, that’s an issue. Most martial arts schools teach control and humility, and it sounds like this guy is missing both of those lessons.

          If you are not enjoying going to class, you need to find another dojo. Essentially, you are involved in this activity because it is fun. I know there might be some health and self-defense benefits, but basically it is because you enjoy it. If you aren’t enjoying it, find another place to study. I’ve been a part of several dojos because I moved around a bit at that time in my life. Most dojos are very welcoming. Most of them want you to have fun and not get hurt. Yes, they will push you, but most teachers do not want you to get injured (particularly to the extent that you are describing). You will find people that you like at any dojo you go to. Keep in touch with your friends at the old dojo. If they see you are really enjoying the new place, they might move too.

          In the future, if he holds out his hand for a handshake, I would acknowledge it by bowing. Put your hands at your side and bow. If he keeps his hand out, I would bow again.

          If you do leave and find another dojo, and the current owner asks why you are leaving, tell him the truth. Good luck.

        3. Bekx*

          Hmm, it’s interesting to me that everyone thinks he’s doing this because he enjoys hurting people. The thought never crossed my mind, but as I was explaining this situation to my dad he was basically yelling at me and saying “You sound like an abused woman with all the excuses you’re giving — listen to yourself!”. So maybe I will need to think of him in that way. We have a 15 year old boy who I thinks enjoys martial arts to get his anger out, too.

          I’m definitely going to talk to the owner on Tuesday. If he doesn’t step up, then I guess I know that this isn’t the right place for me. I only have a month left in my contract so I’m not too worried. It SHOULD be fun. You guys are all right. Thanks!

          1. Anonsie*

            This is a really classic Type and I see people do it all the time. People who push boundaries in small ways they know will be harmful, often at someone who is just slightly more successful or just slightly more respected because they resent the hell out of it. They just poke and poke and posture and patronize because they want to make you feel as bad as they feel.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            “You sound like an abused woman with all the excuses you’re giving — listen to yourself!”.

            Whaaaat????

            1. Bekx*

              I’m sorry, that was phrased weirdly. My dad was super concerned about it and I kept saying that maybe this was normal and just what happens. He was flabbergasted that I kept defending Nice Guy™ in this situation.

        4. Not So NewReader*

          I think that is part of the training though, to remain disciplined so your emotions do not override your physical responses. So go with caution here.

          Why would people go there if they come out all beat up? You can’t go to work all covered in bruises.That is a problem. I would tell him just that, too.

          I would tell the owner that you don’t want to deal with this any more and you are considering going some where else, also.

  64. just a girl*

    Anyone have recommendations for soup brands that taste good enough so that you don’t miss having a real, yummy meal? All the ones I try taste super artificial or sugary. Or just plain not good. I’ve tried McDougall’s, various Trader Joe’s soups, and the obvious ones (cup ‘ noodles, Nissin). Thanks!

    1. fposte*

      Are you talking dry mix or canned? I think dry mix is always going to be pretty sad unless you stone-soup it up. If you’re going canned, Progresso’s pretty decent.

    2. Former Diet Coke Addict*

      Campbell’s (really) has a newer line called Everyday Gourmet that are really tasty. They have a Thai tomato coconut, a sweet potato tomatillo, and an asparagus-with-basil that are all extremely good for prepared soups.

    3. danr*

      Canned: Progresso’s Heart healthy soups. They’re comparatively low in salt and taste good. We like the Chicken noodle, which we enhance with some roast chicken lefttovers.

    4. V. Meadowsweet*

      Imagine and Pacific are both really good. They come in tetra boxes – they’re a bit pricier than regular canned, but big enough that one easily does two meals. My absolute #1 fave is Imagine’s Potato & Leek, but I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve tried from either brand.

      1. Celeste*

        Yes. These soups don’t taste weird at all, and I love that you can cap them off and have another serving another day. Highly recommend if you don’t want to make soup from scratch.

      2. Treena Kravm*

        Yes! And even though they’re just liquid, they’re very filling and you can still doctor it up with other food/leftovers.

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