weekend free-for-all – December 5-6, 2015

by Alison Green on December 5, 2015

Olive under the treeThis comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school. If you have a work question, you can email it to me or post it in the work-related open thread on Fridays.)

Book Recommendation of the Week: The Family Fang: A Novel, by Kevin Wilson. If you like the dysfunctional family genre as much as I do and you want to read a book that feels inspired by a Wes Anderson movie, this is the book for you.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

{ 1,015 comments }

{ 1,015 comments… read them below }

  1. nep*

    What a delightful photo. Talk about cozy.
    Was thinking this morning how much I look forward to the weekend open thread. Thank you, Alison and intelligent, funny, insightful readers/commenters.

      1. AnonToo*

        Me too. After Christmas I’ll get another one from the shelter.
        Olive is showing everyone how to enjoy the holidays in that photo, there are serious lessons there.

  2. The Other Dawn*

    Anyone here still send Christmas cards?

    I’ve considered not sending them anymore, as the number of cards I get in return each year has dwindled down to almost nothing. I realize it’s not about receiving, but, rather, giving, but it just annoys me that I put time into sending cards to people I care about and they don’t usually reciprocate. It frustrates me more and more every year.

    1. Colette*

      I do (although it’s doubtful they get there by Christmas). I like getting them, so I send them. Having said that, if you don’t like doing it or you want to stop sending to people who don’t reciprocate, it’s fine to stop.

    2. The Expendable Redshirt*

      I don’t get or give Christmas cards anymore. I think the last time a Christmas card showed up in the mail was 2002.

    3. Christy*

      I write them because my internet friends and I exchange them, and it’s no burden to send them to family and IRL friends too.

      1. Beth Anne*

        Same here. There are several of us that exchange them so I send about 10 a year. My mom never did it but I think it’s fun. I just don’t like doing those braggy christmas newsletters.

        1. Lillie Lane*

          Ugh, the braggy letters. Though we got a funny one last year from some farmer friends about their sow. “She started out so well, but one day she turned on us.”

          1. Windchime*

            Haha, that’s funny. I don’t like the braggy letters, either. But I love getting/sending cards. I usually only get maybe a half-dozen or so, and I probably send out maybe 10 or 12. I don’t know if I’ll do it this year.

        2. Vanilla*

          Ditto on the braggies! We have some distant relatives who have sent these for the past 20 years. It’s the main source of entertainment at our holiday gathering. They’ve gotten less braggy over the years, but they used to be quite amusing.

          I do send a few Christmas cards – mostly to those family members who I know like receiving them. I did get one from a friend of mine this week that was especially braggy – her and her husband are building a McMansion and basically used their Christmas card to communicate that. Yuck.

          1. Artemesia*

            I had an Aunt who thought of herself as a creative writers (defined apparently as lots of adjectives — the hallmark of bad writing) who would send this long florid Christmas letters. One year it was something like ‘as I sit here looking out my French doors at the verdant fields where so very recently golden waves of grain waved in the wind leading my happy eyes to the purple mountains in the distance.’ — We visited that spring. No French doors ‘well we plan to put some in there when we build the patio.’ No fields of grains. ‘well they put in that housing development, but there used to be farms there.’ My mother that year wrote a parody letter shared with her brothers that was hilarious — nasty but hilarious.

            We have friends in Italy who are even older than we are and send these odd letters in which they whine about their physical ailments amidst the news about their adults kids and such.

            We send a photo card with photos of our adult kids and their families and snapshots of our travels. There is room for a smidge of bragging and for our current contact information. We had a wedding in the family this year so the main picture on the front of the card will be from that and a grandchild starting school so she gets second billing.

            We get quite a few photo cards from friends and relatives and we enjoy seeing their kids, their travels and such. We make ours New Years Cards since we are Freethinkers and this also makes getting them in the mail at any one deadline less an issue.

      2. Alma*

        I send valentines day cards – they don’t get lost in the stack of mail, they are a pleasant surprise, and if you’re crafty, a great deal of fun to create.

        Most adults (and many children) haven’t received valentines day cards outside of school. Even if I send the commercial school cards (in a bigger envelope), people grin all day.

        2. Onnellinen*

          I sent New Years cards once, and they were appreciated for the same reason – they came at a quieter time. I didn’t have the heart to tell folks it was also because I wasn’t organized enough to send Christmas cards!

        3. Lindsay J*

          I really like the little school Valentine’s Day cards. I’ve bought them as an adult and given them to my friends.

        4. Anna*

          I sent a Valentine’s Day card to my grandma this year and she loved it. Thinking of doing it for more relatives now!

    4. Sparrow*

      I think I did send cards the first couple of years after I got married, but then stopped after that. I started an Instagram account for my cats and this year I got some personalized cards made. I’m sending them to my cats’ friends. :-) I’ve received cards and done gift exchanges with IG friends and it’s been fun moreso than feeling like an obligation. If it’s becoming a frustrating experience for you, then I see no problem in stopping.

    5. Former Diet Coke Addict*

      I sent Christmas cards for years and years, and last year I sent probably thirty or so? I think I got five back, maybe. It’s frustrating, and it used to be that most of my friends sent cards, but I get annoyed at putting the time and effort into doing it and not receiving any back.

      So I’m sending cards this year only to people who send me some first. I know it’s selfish and petty, but it’s been a ridiculously challenging year here, and I don’t feel like putting the effort into sending cards to people who can’t be bothered to send them to me.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      It’s really more that it’s disappointing to not be thought of in the same way I’m thinking of those I send cards to. Sounds selfish and immature maybe, but that’s how I feel.

    7. Cristina in England*

      I only started to send them a couple of years ago because my husband does. I think my list expands every year, and I do get quite a few in return. I think maybe people do it more in the UK than in the US? Would love to know if Carrie in Scotland, Blue Anne, Ruth (UK), Alligator Sky and other UK posters send cards.

      1. Carrie in Scotland*

        I got a name check! :) I feel famous!

        I send some cards, mainly to internet friends, sometimes to people I work with if I’m friends with them outside of work and my nice aunt and uncle. Maybe about 10?

      2. TheLazyB (uk)*

        I am uk. I bought 83 the other day. I don’t think it will be enough :o my small child needs 28 for school!! Plus my work (I don’t normally, but remote team means these things matter more IMO) and DH’s work, and family (mine is big). I usually send and receive about the same. We do a Christmas newsletter too. I know it’s considered the very height of pathetic but I love doing it and it makes me remember the good stuff and find cute pics of my kids.

        I keep meaning to do a joke one for the people who’d find it amusing. Maybe this year I’ll get round to it.

        1. pony tailed wonder*

          My father delights in writing the Christmas letter. Among the various highlights over the years have been a two paragraph write up over a particularly dire bout of diarrhea, misspelled names of various family members, and other eye brow raising things. I am not quite sure if he does it on purpose or not but they are misplaced moments of comedic gold.

          2. louise*

            Some cousins and I have a little contest where we guess how many exclamation points will be in my MIL’s letter. The closest guesser gets to host the cousin super bowl party (hosts get to drink more, so that’s the coveted role). We also guess which of the MIL’s five children is most favorite that year based on number of exclamations and length of that offspring’s paragraph. One year a daughter married someone the in-laws didn’t approve of and that she got married was literally the second half of a compound sentence, as in, “Jane got to live with older sister Jeanette for the first half of the year and then married Evil Boy in June.” When I married into the family our entire paragraph was devoted to the wedding, so I guess they like me. :)

      3. Ruth (UK)*

        (woohoo name check)

        I don’t send xmas cards to a lot of people. But I have a few friends that I like to send cards to who live in other cities. I have one friend in a different city who I regularly send post-cards and always send a physical birthday card etc to. Though I was actually thinking I might send some this year! (I think they began to almost die out cause of internet etc but have sort of picked up again in the last couple years cause people love to get them afterall)

      2. Cristina in England*

        Oh my goodness that would be a fortune here in postage! We send about 15-20. Even cheaper/slower second class stamps here are almost a pound (they are about a dollar each).

        1. Winter is Coming*

          Oh my!! That would be cost prohibitive! It costs me $1.20 to send to my British family from the U.S. But I only have two to send.

          1. anonintheuk*

            I send about 20-30 a year.

            Someone up above mentioned sending Valentine cards instead. In the UK, or at least in my circles, Valentine’s is for romantic/sexual love, not parental, friendly, etc. I would be giving a *big* side-eye to anyone who sent me a Valentine card.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              My mum keeps sending me Valentine’s (we’re in the US). I can’t get her to stop. It’s really really irritating, because I feel the same way about V-Day. Plus it reminds me that I have only my mum to send me a card, and it makes me feel bad. I’ve explained this, but she still won’t stop. >:( I just throw them away now.

            2. pony tailed wonder*

              I send the Valentines. Friends get the classroom sized ones, family get the kind sent through the mail. My elderly relatives are tickled with the cards. One co-worker got a class room GI Joe one and got teary. He had a nasty divorce years ago and his kids wouldn’t have anything to do with him and it was the first Valentine he had gotten in years. He started saying hi to me more often and he would give me great life advice.

              1. pony tailed wonder*

                Oh, but one relative did give me side eye. But my family is like that. Almost any holiday is fair game to send a card. Our last name should be Hallmark.

    9. Katie the Fed*

      I do, but they’re photo cards and I don’t really personalize them. I know it’s lazy but people still like getting them, and I love photo cards to leave on the fridge all year.

        1. Katie the Fed*

          My MIL gave me a great tip – she said to get an empty photo album and save one of each year’s christmas card (from us) in it – it’s a nice way to remember your year-t0-year adventures.

      3. Artemesia*

        I don’t really appreciate regular cards unless they have a personal note in them — and then it is the personal note that I treasure. Christmas cards with a just a signature seem totally impersonal — I don’t see the point. I like to get photo cards though and we put some of them up on the refrigerator as well.

    10. AcidMeFlux*

      I don’t think we should kick ourselves for not sending Christmas cards anymore. I know a lot of people did it as a way of keeping in touch with people who were not in their immediate circles of contact; now we have social media to do that. Frankly, it used to make me sad to have to get rid of most of them (who’s got space for all those cards every year?) I do appreciate the few I get from my family back in the US, or clients, etc. But I’m also delighted with a Facebook message with “Christmas in Hollis” attached.”

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I display the Christmas cards we receive on a string tacked across the dining room wall, and throw them out when we take the tree and other holiday decor down after New Year’s Day. I don’t feel bad about throwing them out then.

    11. AdAgencyChick*

      I do, because I like beautiful stationery and handwritten notes. I usually send about 30 and get back maybe 3 handwritten ones and 4-5 preprinted photos of friends’ kids.

      Sometimes I think about quitting since there’s not much reciprocity, but I like the process of picking out the cards enough that I do it anyway.

    13. Tess McGill*

      I’ve been sending Christmas cards since the 8th grade. When I married, I incorporated my husband’s family and extended family and friends onto the list as well. After 23 years of marriage and 12 moves, my card list is over 250 now. We actually have a line item in the December budget for the postage and the cards. I don’t like not sending them to anyone on the list, regardless if they never send cards back. It makes me happy to send them. The last three years we’ve done photo cards with pre-printed return address, which made things SO much easier — no signing anything, no folding anything. But this year, I don’t think it’s going to happen. I just can’t find my Christmas card mojo. It’s gone and I haven’t bothered searching for it. Sigh.

    15. mander*

      I do, but the list is getting smaller all the time. When we first got married my husband had an enormous list of distant relatives and old friends that he sent cards to. For a couple of years he even wrote out cards to almost every single person in his company, even people in other departments, because he didn’t want anyone to feel left out or that he was playing favourites. (Yes, he only got cards from a handful of these people — you know, his actual work friends).

      He finally saw the light after a few panicked evenings spent writing out a million cards to people who went on to show how little they cared about him over the course of the following year, so now we only send out 20-30 or so.

    16. JennaP*

      Nope. I hate handwriting, and I also don’t like getting cards, they feel like clutter and a waste of paper and I usually end up throwing them out shortly after. I usually will send people greetings online.

    17. Stella Maris*

      Last year I skipped it for the first time in years (school was overwhelming, I was sick, etc.) and felt hugely guilty. I have some adorable cards this year I bought two years ago in a post-holiday sale but didn’t use so I will make the effort this year. I have a core list plus I send to people who send to me. Maybe 25-35 depending on various factors. It’s the postage and making sure I have current addresses that bothers me the most. I told my husband I’d do the cards (as I always do) but he has to go to the post office to 1) get stamps and 2) mail the things. :)

    18. pony tailed wonder*

      I am not a Christian and my friends know that about me. I get some from them and it is always nice. I try to send Valentines out to friends and family though. I like the thought of a day for love and friendship.

    19. Marcela*

      I do. I sent about 35 cards every year, and it’s a small fortune in stamps and cards. If I receive one back, I feel truly grateful.

      But I do write letters the rest of the years, to maybe 10 persons, without ever receiving a letter back. It doesn’t bother me because in my country it’s not very easy to get stamps: post offices are far and few, with weird opening times, there are not mailboxes in the street anymore and they don’t sell stamps to have at home. I get letters are not easier to do in the middle of life.

      In any case, I write because I want that people to know about me. I’m far away from most of them and I’m not in Facebook, so the only way they would know about my life is via those cards. Sending them, and postcards from every place I’ve been, I’ve managed to keep some friends from long ago.

      On the other hand, I’ve stopped sending letters/cards when I feel I don’t get anything from sending them. I don’t feel there is any obligation to send any communication, and even more, there is no reason to feel frustrated doing anything.

    20. AnotherFed*

      I do, and the list grows every year. I mostly only get them back from family, but both my family and DH’s are pretty big, so that’s still enough cards to thoroughly decorate the refrigerator for the year. I don’t write much of a detailed message, so it’s not much work, and I like picking out pretty cards.

    21. Merry and Bright*

      I’m in the UK and I do send and receive Christmas cards. As well as nearby relatives, it’s nice having the contact from time to time with family in other parts of the country and overseas. I exchange them with friends too, especially those I’ve known for years (with more recent ones it’s just as likely to be e-cards). I know elderly relatives and neighbours love getting them. We also exchange them at things like my reading group. Maybe it is a British thing. At any rate, I like sending cards for various occasions.

    22. GH in SoCAl*

      I send out a bunch — close to 100 — and get about 75 back. I actually keep track year to year of cards in and cards out. I’ll stop sending to people who don’t reciprocate, figuring they’re not interested. I even like getting the newsletters from a certain subset of friends, mostly my college friends. I keep thinking I’ll taper off but every year I find myself doing it again. For context, I’m almost 50 and I started sending cards when I was in college, because my mother always did. (At 75, she finally stopped because she wants to spend her energy on other things.)

      That said, if you’re not enjoying it and it doesn’t feel mutual, I’d say go ahead and drop it. I doubt anyone will judge you negatively.

    23. Jubilance*

      I just mailed our Christmas cards this morning. This is the first time I’ve sent cards, now that I’m married. I’ve always thought of Christmas cards as a family thing, and I never sent them as a single person. I’m actually excited to be married so that I can send them out!

    24. Tara*

      I’m fairly young, so absolutely no one I know sends Christmas cards, but I am thinking of sending some this year. I got a silhouette this year(machine that is like a printer but cuts stuff instead of putting ink on stuff) so I found so many awesome options for elegant christmas cards. I like crafts, and I think sending them with little personal notes to all of my friends would be well appreciated.

    27. Talvi*

      I do, but not very many anymore. Pen pals, a couple of internet friends, a couple of friends I only see once or twice a year, that sort of thing. I’ll send out 10 or so, and get a few back as well.

      A few years ago, I would send out a lot, but that was back when livejournal was still very active and most of us would do annual Christmas card posts and exchange cards with whomever signed up and left me their address (this was generally restricted to mutual friends).

      It makes me kind of sad – I love sending people things by post!

    28. SL #2*

      I just finished writing a huge stack of mine, haha. My internet friends and I all love physical cards, so we write them for each other, and I’ll usually write a few for some IRL friends that I’ll see over the holidays.

    29. Liz in a Library*

      I sent mine out this morning. I send about 50 each year, but have started doing a shared card between my husband and me and also my sister and her husband. We share a lot of relatives (obviously) but also a lot of friends, and it gives us an excuse to take awkward photos together.

      I get 15-20 cards a year from friends. Most of those are pictures of children, which end up on my fridge for the coming year.

    30. Corporate Cynic*

      No – but my justification is that my birthday’s on Christmas Day so it’s fine if I only receive cards :-P

    31. Arjay*

      I still send Christmas cards, but I also celebrate Advent, so I don’t rush to get the cards out. I’ll write a few at a time, while in a reflective mood, often finishing up and mailing them right around Christmas day. I’m sure many people think they’re “late”, but I like for them to arrive during the actual Christmas season.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      She and Eve are obsessed with both sleeping under it and trying to climb it. Several times I’ve found Eve lounging in the top branches, which is a violation of the cat-human contract.

      1. nep*

        HA.
        When we get our tree up, we always watch to see how long before Francis the cat finds a spot and spreads out on the blanket underneath. Love it.

      2. Anonyby*

        Ha! I bet she’s really cute in the tree, though! :)

        My cat growing up liked to lay under the tree, back behind the presents and near the wall (though he also liked chewing on ribbons, so we had to stop using those!). I’m a bit afraid to try it with my current kitty! She has a habit of going after stray wires…

      4. The Other Dawn*

        It’s really weird: i have 10 cats and not one of them is interested climbing it. Playing with the bottom ornaments and the garland, drinking from the tree base and sleeping under it? Definitely interested.

        1. Dynamic Beige*

          I think some cats are just natural climbers. When I found my girl The Dumpee (which is pretty much how all my cats have come to be my cats) I would follow her in the back yard after feeding time. She just loved to climb trees. She wasn’t doing it to get away from me it was more like, “Let’s see how high I can climb this one” and up she would go. When I brought her inside, I came in one day to find that she had climbed up my 5′ hibiscus tree, which was now leaning precariously. I had to put some tree wrap on it to stop her. Since it’s “just me” I haven’t put up an Xmas tree for years, but I do wonder what she would do once she saw it. Maybe I should just put the tree up with no decorations on it and see what happens. My other cat? Except for the cat tree, never seen him climbing a thing, it doesn’t seem to be his thing.

      5. Wendy Darling*

        My dog loved sleeping under the tree last year, but we’re going away for most of December so we didn’t get one this year. He’s disappointed.

        I think he just liked that the tree skirt was fuzzy, really…

      6. Lady Bug*

        One of our cats used to sleep in the branches. He never broke anything, it was the cutest thing ever.

      7. Rana*

        Heh. My dad installed eyebolts in the wall of my parents’ current house specifically for anchoring Christmas trees against the incursions of curious pets.

        1. Rene*

          We had a French lop when I was a kid that had the run of the house–had a potty box and everything. She and our cat would chase each other all over–including under the tree, which was usually a casualty until we attached it to the ceiling. The more difficult thing to deal with was that she *really* liked fir trees– as in a giant candy bar. For several years our tree was bare twigs for the first two feet or so.

      8. Windchime*

        I have the cutest video of my cat when he was a kitten, climbing in the Christmas tree. It still makes me laugh, even though he is a big boy now.

      9. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Our cat sleeps in the lower branches of our tree, but only in the early morning hours. We’ll wake up in the morning and find her sleeping there, but we never see her in there during the rest of the day. I can tell she does it a lot, though, by the way that the branches are mashed completely flat it that spot.

      1. Lillie Lane*

        Yes, please! My husband doesn’t read AAM but he loves Eve and Olive and Sam and Lucy photos.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I would love to be able to get one! I am required by the Christmas tree owner to shoo her out if I see her in there (he is not pleased that his many hours of work stringing lights keeps getting messed up), but I will see if I can get one…

  4. Holly*

    Best and worst of the week!

    My best: got lots of much, much needed down time this week.
    Worst: I think I’m having esophagus problems. Lots of sore throats, choking on pretty much nothing, acid reflux feelings. Blaaargh.

    1. Anonyby*

      Best: I got my Disneyland tickets yesterday for my trip next week!!! :D :D :D

      Worst: Wednesday was a day full of things not going my way. Anything on its own would have been annoying, but the pile-up of them all in one day was disheartening. I’m just hoping that I’m working out all the bad mojo this week so that next week goes well.

    2. Tess McGill*

      Best: Weight loss is going well. And bonus: I seem to finally be coming out of my post-move funk.
      Worst: Last night my baby brother graduated from the fire fighters/EMT academy (which is a good thing) but the guest speaker was so unbelievably horrible. He held us hostage for 45 minutes. This, at a graduation for nine candidates. Nine. His speech wasn’t inspirational, funny or moving and offered very little advice. It was a 45 minute narcissistic mess. No one needs to know what your time was in the 100 meter dash, that you were the brigade commander of your ROTC unit in high school in 1979, that your father had 10 siblings, that your grandmother never made it past the 6th grade or that you were the “humble” honor grad at Airborne School UNLESS you can work those items into an inspirational or lesson-giving speech, which he did not. It got so bad, that at the 40 minute mark, the fire chief got up from his seat (on the stage) and tapped the guy on the shoulder and told him to wrap it up. And he still rambled on for 3 more minutes! I looked the guy up on Linkedin. He has four post-graduate degrees. But dang. The guy can’t speak.

    3. Alston*

      I went to the best dinner party I have ever been to last night.

      My teacher from my woodworking class had the entire class and our significant others out to his house for homemade pizza. He lives out in the woods in this AMAZING house he built himself, with his wife, son, and adorable dog. They have a pizza oven in their kitchen, a wall of instruments along one side of the living room, and great big windows looking out to the forest.

      After we finished making our own little pizzas my teacher grabbed the upright bass, his wife a guitar, and his son started singing country/bluegrass/mountain music. It was the best thing-the little kid was such a ham and got so into the music. Eventually my teacher switched to the mandolin and got me to go up and dust off my extremely rusty bass skills.

      Also the kid has basically a cargo net as a giant hammock in his room. I have never been so jealous of a 7 year old.

      Even today I’m still smiling.

      And then I came home and my boyfriend told me he’s getting a job offer that will cut his commute in half and come with a 20-30% raise.

      Worst: Only two more weeks of class?

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I don’t like country, but I do like bluegrass. That sounds amazing.

        I went to a dinner party once where they served a Moroccan meal and we sat on the floor and ate with our hands. The kicker? We had to feed each other and not ourselves. I know it sounds really weird, but it was fun!

    4. onyxzinnia*

      Best: I went to a holiday party this week where I got to hang out with some fun people and take pictures in a helicopter.

      Worst: I had a phone interview with a recruiter for an advertised “Associate Tea Pot Manager” role but her follow up email listed the employer’s official title for the role as “Tea Pot Coordinator” (a much more junior role). Bait and switch! The whole reason I’m looking for a new job is that I want to advance, not do a junior role somewhere else. This is the second time something like this has happened; I wish recruiters were liable under the truth in advertising laws.

    5. Aussie Teacher*

      Worst: still one more week of school left and heaps to do.
      Best: next Saturday I’ll be on holidays with my family and extended family!

    6. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Best: FINALLY figured out why the turn signal kept going out on one of our cars, despite the bulb being OK. I had to pull out a lamp assembly and fix one of the contacts that was bent, and now it’s working perfectly. I have declared victory and called it a day.

      Worst: the delay in the job I’m supposed to be offered, I guess, although my dad also is still in rehab, and it sounds like he might be there for another month or two. I’m glad he’s doing better, but I just him to *be* all better already.

    7. Liane*

      Best: I got holiday pay for Thanksgiving & Friday, which I thought I didn’t, being still on temp status.

      Worst runner-up: Got today off to march with the Star Wars unit in the holiday parade, but I just wasn’t feeling quite well & am afraid I might be coming down with something. So decided to skip it because I can’t take any more unscheduled time off at work.
      Worst: Funeral for my husband’s cousin was Tuesday, who passed away the day before Thanksgiving. I didn’t know him very well but it upset my husband understandably, moreso as it’s only been 4 and 5 years since we lost his parents. I had a hard time at the service, because my Dad died right at Thanksgiving years ago and picking up on everyone’s sadness, especially his mother and sisters. I felt so sorry for my aunt-in-law, seeing her crying over her son’s casket. I ended up with a migraine, but I didn’t bring that up to anyone there, just told my husband and son afterwards, so they knew why I was going to curl up in the dark.

    8. Shell*

      Best: week of vacation, which has led to much slothing. I still haven’t done the cleaning I said I would, so that’s today’s project.

      Worst: I have mysteriously screwed up my (once) good knee. Good being that this was the knee I didn’t injure in a ski accident/tousling with SO and it hasn’t never given me trouble until now. Can’t go down stairs properly (up stairs and flat ground is fine), need to support myself when sitting down… Said knee has completely trashed my plans of doing yoga and bouldering during my week of vacation. I still don’t know what’s wrong with it. I am applying Voltaren gel and ice packs and grumbling a lot.

    9. Doriana Gray*

      BEST: Got a new job this week with a promotion in job title and my pay bump was slightly more than what the hiring manager told me it was going to be. Also found out that though my promotion hasn’t come without drama thanks to my current (but blessedly soon to be former) manager, people have been coming to my defense with my new manager, people I don’t even know that well, which gives me hope that my manager’s abhorrent behavior won’t scare off my new division. And I must say, I’m so very touched by the support I’ve been given by everyone who’s backed me up, especially the people who aren’t my friends or former coworkers/manager. I thought my former manager was pulling my leg when she told me I was beloved and well-respected throughout our entire organization – she wasn’t, and that gives me the warm and fuzzies just in time for the holidays.

      WORST: I can’t seem to find the ingredients I need in stores to make my gluten free Dark and Stormies! That was one of my favorite drinks prior to my celiac diagnosis and I’ve tried to recreate them to no avail :( If I’m going to possibly be stuck in my current shitty work situation until the end of January, I need to be half drunk to do it! And I’d like to get blitzed on my favorite drink!

      1. LCL*

        I’m looking at my bottle of reeds extra ginger brew. Ingredients list is water, sugar, pineapple juice, honey, ginger, lemon and lime juice, spices. No gluten in rum, afaik. And I add a shot of ginger liqueur, ingredients spirits, agave, cane sugar and ginger. Where is the gluten?

    10. Chickaletta*

      Best: Finally worked up the nerve to start an online petition for a cause I care about, but that most people aren’t aware of.

      Worst: Now that’s it’s up, I’m going to have to step out of my comfort zone to get more than half a dozen signatures. WAY out of my comfort zone. I’m not sure I’m up for this. I hope to get a new breath of motivation next week.

    11. pony tailed wonder*

      Best – this is from about a month ago but I got a small raise. I bring up old best because …

      Worst – just found out that work is going to pull more out of my check for retirement so my raise got ‘erased’. So I am in the same place as before.

    12. Christina @ My Homespun Home*

      Best: a few things.
      1) Felt good about writing a blog post for Giving Tuesday with side of my favorite charities and got some nice feedback from a few of said charities.
      2) Friend reminded me of my town library’s book sale so we went at lunch. I bought a TON of books, and when I got home found out that one of them (an anthology) was signed by several of the authors and
      3) one book had a $100 bill in it!!! I think someone got the book as a gift and just never even opened it. Crazy. (before I got too greedy I told my friend our next lunch was on me, and I donated some to a local literacy non-profit)

      Worst: my boss has hit her lowest point of terrible management, which is saying a lot, and I think the only person on my team who’s sane (and my best work friend) is about to give his notice because of her.

      1. Ruffingit*

        Sucks about the boss. I know this isn’t the work thread, but I’m curious to know what is going on with her. Sorry your best work buddy may give notice because of her. That sucks.

    13. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Finally getting to take a shower after being without hot water for days.

      WORST: Had to take that shower in a hotel instead of the house we just rented because of all the things wrong with the house.

    14. calibrachoa*

      Best: My friend is over visiting me for the first time since March.
      Worst: I am coughing up ooze with the consistency of wallpaper glue

    15. Lizabeth*

      Best: finally got my hair cut! Woot!! Don’t look like a sheep dog anymore.

      Worst: had my annual physical and the doc said lose weight, more exercise, no salt, no cheese and no caffeine. Ugh….

    16. Stargazer*

      Worst: My husband and I had our first big married fight, and probably the biggest fight of our relationship. Most of it was my fault, but we hashed it out.

      Best: I overcame some chemo side effects and got a lot done around the apartment instead of lying in bed.

  5. Christy*

    Let’s talk about charitable giving! Who do you give to? (Credit for the idea comes from an accidental early poster on the Friday thread.)

    1. Christy*

      I give 1/3 local (DC homelessness organization), 1/3 national (Planned Parenthood), and 1/3 international (refugee organization). Plus I’m adopting a family for Christmas this year (hyper-local). And Giving Tuesday was on World AIDS Day this year, so I gave $10 to an AIDS organization when I attended a free reading of Angels in America that night.

    2. danr*

      The colleges and grad schools we went to, local fire dept (volunteers) and first aid squad (volunteers), local police association, museum and arts memberships, local food bank, professional societies, local hospital, local education foundation, conservation society. And I’m sure there are a few more lurking here and there. We’ve dropped a few that turned out to be scammy and others that can’t keep memberships straight and ask for money constantly.

    3. Not the Droid You Are Looking For*

      One of my alma maters (the other sends me really bad letters constantly asking me to join their leadership society), planned parenthood, local food bank (after spending a couple weekends sorting food I now just give cash), and junior league for the backpack program (they send kids who qualify for free/reduced lunch home with a backpack full of food each weekend).

    4. Cristina in England*

      In the past I have used Donors Choose to give donations in my family members’ names instead of gifts. This year I have asked that we swap charities, so for me, people give to a local children’s hospital drive to provide more family accommodation for out-of-town NICU parents (like Ronald Mcdonald House I think?). No one has given me the names of their charities yet, but that is where I will give this year.

      1. fposte*

        I used to give to Donors Choose when Tomato Nation would do its challenges; I should find another occasion to mark by giving to them now that TN seems to be winding down.

        1. Lore*

          Yes! Though I have done most of my Donors Choose giving to one of the two elementary schools within a few blocks of my house, and one of them does so many DC campaigns that I feel like I get an email three times a week from them and it’s starting to annoy me. I would love to give to the school directly across from my house but their teachers seem not to be as active.

          I also give to the Brooklyn Public Library (sometimes NYPL too, but they’re so much better funded that I feel like my dollars go farther in Brooklyn) and to a number of arts, mostly theater, organizations, which vary year by year. My company has a pretty generous matching program for gifts over $50 so I try to give gifts in that amount or more rather than smaller ones, to get the match. And I just did a volunteer day through work at City Harvest; I find their direct-mail solicitations kind of annoying but I was impressed enough by the organization that I might start giving to them.

    5. Overeducated and underemployed*

      Local public radio, a couple of international relief charities, and when funds are better, local hunger and homelessness groups and my church. We have not had giving as a regular budget item while I have been looking for stable work, though, we give irregularly :*(

      1. Not the Droid You Are Looking For*

        I always forget to count my local radio station because I give monthly!

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Local NPR station through payroll deduction, my Unitarian Universalist fellowship, and the local homeless shelter (our church has a drop box for then in the lobby, so I bring in whatever the theme of the month is : socks, toilet paper, peanut butter, etc.).

        1. Mallory Janis Ian*

          Plus our church does a few “sharing the plate” offerings each year for local organizations such as the animal shelter, the center for gender equality, the peace at home family shelter, etc. and I contribute to those.

    6. Tess McGill*

      I’m pretty much a food-related giver. I give to my local food pantry (set amount each month), sandwiches for the homeless shelter (I make 20 sandwiches every 6 weeks) and Thanksgiving baskets every year (church gives out a shopping list). When my son was younger we did a lot of anonymous “paying it forward” together at the drive through at McDonalds, Chick-fil-A and Starbucks. He’s grown out of that type of food, so I don’t have many opportunities to visit those places much anymore.

    7. fposte*

      Setting aside the donation of goods I’m getting out of the house (which is the big one this year): Doctors without Borders and U.S. Fund for Unicef, via payroll. My workplace university. A little to my undergrad. A few random “in honor of” donations for loved ones who have passed away. Possibly my local food bank–I do some years and other years I don’t get around to it. I plan to add Planned Parenthood this year to put my money where my mouth is.

    8. mander*

      I’m really sporadic about this. Generally I donate when something big has happened or when I feel flush, which is rarely since my job situation is rather unstable.

      Anyway, this year I’ve donated to a Syrian refugee charity and a local not-for-profit farm. I’m also considering donating a bit to a fundraising appeal to care for a medieval illuminated manuscript that is being returned to the place where it was written.

      1. mander*

        Oh, and I buy some extra groceries to put in the food bank collection box when I remember. It’s sort of an interesting, if sad, challenge to go around the store looking for things that can be eaten without being heated up or can be prepared with just a kettle. That’s not the only thing they ask for, of course, but I always have the person who can’t afford to turn on the electricity long enough to heat up a can of soup in mind. There have been a lot of horror stories about people in those situations lately. :-(

    10. Wendy Darling*

      I mostly give to various local charities. Lots of stuff to do with kids. My favorite is an org called Treehouse for Kids that gives school supplies and nice things to foster children. My family also gives to a lot of charities to do with young people and music in honor of my deceased sibling, who was super into music.

      For a while I was giving Planned Parenthood $5 every time some politician said something appalling about them but that got cost-prohibitive really, really quickly.

      This year I got laid off for Christmas so I’m not going to be giving much — hopefully I can make up for it when I get employed again, but right now I feel like I need to keep that money just in case.

      1. Stella Maris*

        “For a while I was giving Planned Parenthood $5 every time some politician said something appalling about them but that got cost-prohibitive really, really quickly.”

        Right? I was doing something similar with refugees and disgusting comments on Facebook, and it got problematic. So I hid/blocked all those people and made one large donation.

    11. Schmitt*

      Finally set this up this year and am glad I did. We do equal amounts to:

      the Maltesers
      Doctors without Borders
      an LGBT organization
      the cat rescue our newest two cats came from

      1. Alma*

        * My Public Radio station
        * the scholarship we set up in my mother’s name after her death
        * the community health organization where I serve on the board

        Right now money is very tight, and I’m moving (again) in December or January as December is increasingly filling up with must-do meetings. I also like to do a national (Planned Parenthood) and international (empowering women) group, but may have to delay until moving costs are covered.

    12. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Regularly: Innocence Project, the animal shelter that our cats came from, local food bank, TinyKittens.com. Sporadically: various public radio shows, Planned Parenthood, battered women’s shelter, various organizations that friends work for. Thinking about this, it’s interesting to think about how my donations have changed over the years. In my 20s and early 30s, the list had more polarizing organizations on it; I guess I am old now.

    13. Applesauced*

      My local NPR station and the Doe Fund (local homeless job training program). Do my student loans count as charity? (Kidding, but once they’re done, I plan to donate more)

      1. Not the Droid You Are Looking For*

        The best e-solicitation I have ever seen was from the Doe Fund!!!! I cried, then gave :)

    14. FD*

      There’s a regional food bank/food shelf in our area that does exceptional work. It’s called Channel One, and they are particularly good with re-claiming food that might otherwise be wasted, but is actually still very good. (I.E. pre-packaged food past its sell by date that’s still perfectly fresh and useable. There’s a great episode of Last Week Tonight that talks about why this is particularly important in the US.) I also happen to know that they really helped out a few of my coworkers at past job when they were on hard times.

      I also support the Minneapolis Institute of Arts, which is a huge, awesome, free to the public art museum. It’s my favorite place to go in the Twin Cities, so I like to support it. And our local shelter, Paws and Claws Humane Society, which is a no-kill shelter where me and my family have gotten several pets.

    15. Phlox*

      I do $20 a month to a different charity, so that I can be flexible when friends campaigns come up or politicians say something really appaling about women’s health. So planned parenthood twice this year, Heifer international, church rebuilding after the arsons, supporting a friends insect research, another friends medical bills, legal justice and a big inkind donation for a raffle to support a program at work.

      1. Lizzie*

        “… or politicians say something really appaling about women’s health.”

        Your poor bank account, Phlox! (I kid, I kid.)

    16. Rubyrose*

      On a regular basis, local NPR station and a hospital foundation. I buy those boxes in grocery stores for food for the needy at holiday time. Give to Goodwill. I never take home Girl Scout cookies, but donate money to the troop directly. My most recent give was to Colorado Correctional Industries. They have a program where stray/shelter dogs are matched to inmates, who socialize and train them, and then the dog is adopted.

    17. skyline*

      Regularly: my professional organizations, my employer’s foundation, the local humane society that sheltered my grand ladycats as wee kittens. Sporadically: Doctors without Borders, museum memberships, public radio, local organization that assists immigrants.

      Writing this comment makes me realize that I can be doing all of this in a more organized and consistent fashion. A good goal for 2016, since I review finances at the beginning of the year anyway.

    18. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I realized at the end of 2014 that our charitable giving had decreased a bit, so I decided to take a certain amount per month and put it aside for charity. Then I made a spreadsheet with the amounts we wanted to give to different charities, and we’ve been adjusting it throughout the year. We held off on most of them until December so that we could keep adjusting the amounts, partially because this is the first year that we actually have a plan and so we’re still figuring it out, but also so we could support different friends’ fundraisers.

      So, here’s the list, with some redactions. We are giving between $50 to $500 per organization (obviously more at the lower end than the high end):

      American Heart Association
      Friends of the National Zoo
      Planned Parenthood
      [REDACTED] Alumni Association
      St. Baldrick’s (children’s cancer charity fundraiser)
      Gay Men’s Health Crisis (AIDS Walk)
      [REDACTED] Middle School PTA
      N Street Village
      Capital Area Food Bank
      Maryland Public TV
      National Public Radio
      Electronic Frontier Foundation
      Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood
      Friends of the Library
      [Backpacks full of supplies for students from low-income families] Foundation
      Washington Area Clinic Defense Task Force
      Consumers Union
      Southern Poverty Law Center
      Manna Food Center
      Secular Avenue
      American Humanist Association
      Americans United for Separation of Church and State
      Transkids Purple Rainbow
      4Paws

    19. Lizzie*

      I give to a few local places, and provide some volunteer services to DV/HT shelters in the area who don’t have the budget to have enough paid counselors or victim advocates on staff. I also give to Planned Parenthood, Liberty in North Korea, UNHCR and the United Nations Voluntary Trust Fund for Victims of Trafficking in Persons.

    20. Finny*

      When we can, which isn’t lately due to having to replace the roof and half the appliances in the house over the past couple months, we give to CNIB, formerly known as the Canadian National Institute for the Blind. As both myself and the husband are legally blind, it’s a cause near and dear to us, and one that has helped us both greatly over the years.

      We’ve even arranged to donate our house to them once we are gone, as we are childfree, and have no one else we’d rather give it to.

    21. Elizabeth West*

      I give to random stuff that pops up now and then. This year, I’ve given to Planned Parenthood (I’d like to make that one a regular thing), Scares that Care–an org that collects money for families facing medical crises and also has a horror con that raises money, and various individual things. I need to renew my membership to the Royal Oak Foundation, which supports the UK National Trust (I get into NT properties for free!), and I’m also considering helping Rare Breeds Survival Trust in the UK–it helps preserve livestock DNA (an English lady I friended on FB is an enthusiast).

    22. GOG11*

      I don’t really have the money to give (I plan to start something once I pay off my student loans, though). Instead, I’ve designed fliers/promotional materials and some other random stuff for the local cat shelter, a boosters organization for a local middle and high school sports program, and a couple of other local organizations. I’m not sure if charitable giving includes donating “services,” but I wanted to share in case it does. When I can afford it, I plan to donate money to the cat shelter I’ve been working with for sure, though I’m not sure what other organizations yet.

      1. fposte*

        It took me a long time before I felt like I had enough money to be able to spare some. I think donating services totally counts!

      2. newreader*

        While services aren’t a tax deductible item, I certainly consider them to be charitable. If people give of their time to complete tasks for an organization, that’s less time their staff need to spend doing it. Or the need to hire additional staff. My local animal shelter depends on volunteers to help clean the animal’s living areas, do the laundry, and walk the dogs because they just don’t have enough staff to do it all everyday. Don’t discount giving time instead of money. Both are valuable resources.

    23. Vanilla*

      I give regularly to my church. I also participate in their holiday food drive. Every year, I give a certain amount to a different cause. A few years ago, I bought (anonymously) an elderly woman who i knew was struggling financially a $50 gift card to a local grocery store. Last year, I gave money to a local radio station in the name of a group of high school kids that I taught who I know listened to the station regularly. This year I donated to a sports organization passionate about for a new mentoring program they are starting. It’s a lot of fun giving away money!

    24. Natalie*

      I have recurring monthly donations to PP, MPR, and my college, and give one-off donations occasionally. We want to add to the recurring ones – probably a outdoor org for my fiancé and maybe a homelessness org I think does great work. And we’re doing a wish tree gift for the second year. The kid wants Frozen dolls and a coat.

    25. Christina @ My Homespun Home*

      I did a post on Tuesday about a bunch of non-profits I’m particularity fond of (including like many of you, Planned Parenthood). Then on Friday I found some money in a book I bought at my library’s book sale and donated part of it to a literacy organization. That felt good :-)

    26. Turanga Leela*

      My list:
      ACLU
      Doctors Without Borders
      World Food Program
      alumni funds
      local food/diaper bank
      local Ronald McDonald House
      local branch of Communities in Schools
      Legal Information Institute
      Arthritis Foundation
      March of Dimes

      I almost always give money rather than in-kind gifts. I could probably do more good by consolidating my giving and making larger donations to each place, but I really want to support a variety of organizations. My donations range from about $20 to $150 a year. For the Arthritis Foundation and March of Dimes, I give relatively little but fundraise for annual events. I also give small amounts regularly (maybe once a month) to friends who are doing fundraising campaigns.

    27. super anon*

      for the past 2 years my boyfriend and i have gone through the ywca to adopt a low-income single parent family for christmas. you get a wishlist from each family of things they would like, and then you buy & wrap the presents. you also get them a grocery store gift card so they can buy what they would like to eat for christmas dinner. we’ve gone over the suggested price to spend each year, but i think it’s worth it.

      other than that i don’t personally donate money to charity because i don’t make enough to do regular contributions, and i think ~$300 (our total is around $500/600, we split the cost) to make someone’s christmas is enough for me at this stage in my life until i get a significant raise. my boyfriend does more charitable contributions than i do because he makes significantly more money than me, and his donations vary depending on the year.

    28. Tara R.*

      I definitely don’t have the money to spend much on charitable donations, so I try to give $3-5 to various things occasionally, and skip a coffee/snack I would have otherwise bought. My donations are pretty random. A baby in my hometown who has cancer, a church nearby trying to sponsor Syrian refugees, occasional fundraisers that come across my tumblr dash for homeless/nearly homeless LGBT kids, Wikipedia, the occasional artistic project, Archive of Our Own, children’s hospital, etc… I figure $4 is better than nothing, right? I usually share whatever the thing is to Facebook is as well, in the hopes that enough people will contribute something small that it will add up.

      My hometown is relatively low income. When I went to donate to the family of the baby with cancer, I saw hundreds of donations in the $5-$10 range. More than half of them made their names anonymous, while the $50+ donations all had names attached (mostly names I recognized; everyone knows who the dozen or so lawyers/real estate agents/”well-off” people are). I wish people wouldn’t be ashamed of giving what they can, especially looking at how fast all those tiny contributions added up.

    29. Brownie Queen*

      I normally do not go down the rabbit hole of giving. However, I did give to a Go Fund Me for a local person who I know. Her place was robbed.

    30. CrazyCatLady*

      Doctors without Borders, local food banks, some of the local mountain rescue groups, animal shelters/rescue leagues… None are on a set schedule but I usually do it in November/December.

    31. Windchime*

      I usually just write a big check (well, big for me) to the local [MyCity] Gospel Mission, which is a homeless shelter. I haven’t done that this year because I don’t feel like I have the funds. Instead, I think I will donate to the local food bank. I really should be donating to NPR, since I listen to it almost exclusively.

    32. Giving Tuesday & End of Year Giving*

      thank you for reposting this!

      here is my short list:
      Leukemia and Lymphoma Society
      National Network of Abortion Funds (and a lot of local funds who are ensuring abortion access across the US)
      Law Students for Reproductive Justice

      Also, my partner and I are starting an endowed scholarship this year in honor of his mother, who passed away 10 years ago. We finally have enough to actually award the scholarship in January. It’ll cover 1/2 of a semester of tuition for a community college student. I am so incredibly proud of my partner for working on this long term goal.

    33. Arjay*

      Many of mine have already been listed, so I’ll just call out this new one for me. I lost my mom earlier this year, so I’m adopting a senior citizen in an assisted living facility for Christmas. I chose a woman whose wish list seemed similar to what my mom would like, so I think that will make all of us happy.

    34. lfi*

      My company offers a match… so hopefully some better holidays are coming for the SFSPCA, Cat Town, and probably one more org.

  6. Colette*

    Remember my temporary blindness issue? The good news is that the issue they saw in my eye has healed and is back to normal. The bad news is that the blood test showed that an amino acid is out of whack (which probably caused the whole thing), so I get to see more doctors. (Not eye doctors, though, which means fewer days walking around looking like one of those stuffed animals with the huge pupils).

    1. fposte*

      An amino acid is out of whack? I didn’t even know that could happen (I guess I knew it could happen if you made cats be vegetarian, but you’re not a cat). I hope that’s easy to fix, at least, and I’m glad it’s healed.

      1. Colette*

        That’s what he said, I’m pretty sure. He actually gave me the specific reading that was odd, which I am not googling or researching in any way, since that way lies madness. I will let the well-paid medical professionals tell me what it means.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, that is a marker for a few things, google will tell you. Amino acids are building blocks for living beings. So it’s good that they are looking at this and hopefully they will get Colette some help.

  7. Natalie*

    Another cat 101 question: we bought different food for the kitty and she doesn’t seem to care for it. I’m thinking she might adjust if she gets hungry enough, but at what point do you give up on that?

    1. Sparrow*

      Have you tried mixing the old and new food? If she goes for that, you could slowly increase the amount of the new food. If she’s not eating anything at any meal, you might need to go back to the old food. Cats can be pretty stubborn.

      1. Natalie*

        She eats a little bit, and then looks at us with disdain (more than normal). So I’m not sure if she hates it or is just annoyed with the change.

      2. LBK*

        I tried to do this once to get my cat to eat Science Diet. She very carefully picked it out and then just ate the old food. Apparently she’s fussier and more clever than I expected.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I try a few times and if it’s not happening, I move on to a different food. Some people do an elaborate thing when they mix it with other food, slowly increasing the portion of new food, but I don’t see the point unless the new food is some special thing they have to have for medical reasons. I say give her food she likes. Our cats tend to randomly decide they don’t like something as a pack (it’s weird) and then I donate whatever remains to our local shelter (if it’s canned food).

    3. Mina*

      I use Fancy Feast Broth Toppers to stimulate interest when my two decide they don’t want to eat their prescription diet food. Switching is NOT an option for us. Warming it up helps sometimes too.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Will you say more about these Fancy Feast Broth Toppers? I googled it and didn’t find anything called a “topper” — are you basically using their broth line and topping off other food with it? I’m intrigued because my kitties are all broth fiends.

        1. Mina*

          Looking at the package, it’s Purina Fancy Feast Broths, Gourmet Cat Complement. I think there are five flavors, including the Classic with Tuna, Anchovies, & Whitefish in a Decadent Silky Broth. Last year one cat was on medicine that made him not want to eat, so I found this in the grocery store and it made all the difference.

          I’m a little wary of the actual fish bits, so I usually just squeeze out the broth itself. So far it’s never failed us! It’s usually about $1 a pack and can be used for two bowls at a time, so it’s a good deal.

        2. Trixie*

          I’ve tried canned foots that aren’t pate-style and they just lap up the broth. So I stick with pate style and mix it up with canned pumpkin. Bumps up the water intake, adds some fiber, and stretches out the canned food.

        3. skyline*

          I just add 2-3 tbsp of water to their morning and evening servings of wet food. It helps them stay hydrated, and they don’t seem to mind that it’s water rather than broth. It also helps me manage individual servings. One cat eats faster than the other cat, so I add an extra tbsp of water to the fast cat’s bowl. That way the two cats end up finishing at the same time, and everyone’s getting the correct amount of food.

          (My cats’ canned food of choice is Wellness, which comes in a range of consistencies – minced, cubed, and sliced. I rotate them through the options so they are getting variety.)

          1. Sparrow*

            I do the same thing with water. My big tabby boy gets a whole (cat food) can of water with his food. If there’s any bits left I’ll add more water and he laps it all up. I’m so glad he does that since he’s had UTI issues before.

    4. Brandy in TN*

      My cats have always enjoyed eating the exact same thing every day of their lives. I now have a new kitty and he wants different so i make sure to get the main cats theirs and get some new foods also. And they now all eat a mix except the oldest who still prefers her same. I only get several of each can in case no one likes something it can easily be given away.

    5. Perse's Mom*

      If she doesn’t need a specific food for a medical reason, feed her what she likes and will eat. If you’re trying to get her onto a better quality food, that’s great… but it’s useless if she won’t eat it. Try the smallest bag (or can) and leave some out next to her usual food; she may show interest or try it when you’re not watching.

      If she has medical issues or is an older cat, be *very* cautious and slow about changing foods. If her appetite is already declining, talk to your vet first. Cats can crash pretty fast if they don’t eat enough or stop eating entirely and a total food change can sometimes cause the latter in particularly picky cats.

  8. nep*

    A couple of family funerals in the past two weeks got me thinking more about how my family might do things when I pass. My only living parent and most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins still follow the Catholic faith in which they were raised. (Not to say my parent / the older generation would outlive me. But who knows. Anyway, just ‘thinking aloud’ here.)
    I would describe myself as agnostic. These recent funeral masses had me thinking it would be quite inappropriate to go through all that religious ritual for me.
    What, if anything, have you all told your loved ones about what kind of funeral service you’d want?
    It’s not that this all has me worried — not in the least. I’m simply curious what people think. Is it about what I believed or didn’t in life, or more about how those I leave behind choose to handle a family death? Part of me says if it helps them to go through whatever rituals they hold stock in, so be it. Hell, I’ll be gone. On the other hand, though, it just seems utterly wrong that my death would be marked by a Catholic mass and all that goes along with that.

    1. Not the Droid You Are Looking For*

      My mom had a cancer scare awhile back and started to talk about what she would want. I found it really helpful (she’s an Easter/Christmas Christian, my step-dad’s an atheist), as I would likely be the one doing a lot of planning.

    2. Cristina in England*

      My mom has said that funerals are for the families left behind so we should do what we want. On the surface that seems fine but I think in reality it would be easier just to follow someone’s wishes, because who wants decide by committee what type of service to have in a time of grief?

    3. Sparkly Librarian*

      My wife and I have very different faith traditions/backgrounds, and we talk about this sort of thing a lot. (Also the practical stuff like account passwords, what we want done for us if we’re unable to communicate our healthcare wishes, etc.) I’m not the point person for her religious ceremony; her best friend will make those arrangements if necessary. I will have a large part of the responsibility for explaining that to her parents, though… if it were up to them, there would be substantial religious accoutrement of a different stripe and she wouldn’t be happy with that. For my own final arrangements, I’m not super-picky – in my view, I won’t be around to complain, so it’s not as crucial for everything to go a certain way. But for my peace of mind while I’m still living, I have made a few simple requests and will leave the rest up to my wife.

    4. fposte*

      Wow, interesting question. I’ve been really clear on end-of-life stuff and cremation and never gave a thought to memorial stuff.

      As an attendee, I favor a memorial celebration with food and comments from attendees–basically, a retirement party where the guest of honor has *really* retired. I don’t deeply care, since I won’t be there, but that’s the kind of thing I’d prefer to imagine happening. I think it’s pretty likely that that’s what would happen given my social circle anyway.

    5. the gold digger*

      For my mom, for sure a Catholic funeral.

      For my husband, whose funeral I have already planned, even though he is drifting toward agnosticism, we were married in the little ELCA church he was attending when we met. (Although he was baptized, he was unchurched growing up and started going to this church because of a woman – not me, but a woman before me.) We are friends with the pastor and I would have a service there, followed by a big reception with a ton of really good food and perhaps a Drinking of the 300 Bottles of Wine in the basement.

      For me, I don’t care. If I go before my mom, then yes, a Catholic funeral because she would want it, but otherwise, I’ll be dead. Just make sure there is good food for the attendees. And people better act sad.

    6. nep*

      Interesting comments on this so far — thanks. It’s great hearing people’s views on this. fposte — love the ‘really retired’ bit. Retired for good, indeed.

    7. mander*

      Hmm, this is a good question! I’ve just finished catching up on The Gold Digger’s blog, which includes a saga about death and wills, so this kind of thing has been on my mind. I’m rather agnostic but I don’t mind religous rituals, so if other people want to do that it’s ok with me. But on the other hand I am a staunch advocate of religious diversity, separation of church and state, etc. so it would be inappropriate if there was a lot of stuff about my strong faith blah blah blah because it’s not true. Maybe an overly-elaborate lecture about the anthropology of religion would be better. ;-)

      The only thing I’ve really said is that my body should be used for whatever transplants, research, etc. anyone can use it for. I like the idea of those seed capsule casket things but I don’t have the means to pay for one at present. The only thing I don’t want is to be embalmed in preservatives and placed in a luxurious casket. It just seems wasteful and pointless.

      The will stuff is something I’ve been putting off for years. I don’t have much in the way of assets but I should probably sort something out. My situation is complicated because I’m a citizen of two countries and don’t live in my country of birth, where most of my humble assets are. I don’t know how that impacts any legal stuff. I can’t imagine anyone in my family or friends would argue over anything belonging to me but in the event that I died before certain friends I’d want to do things like leave my vinyl collection to so-and-so or make sure my niece gets a certain piece of jewelry and knows the story behind it. Stuff like that.

      1. nep*

        Much of this is right in line with my thoughts. Especially the bits about diversity, and about how inappropriate it would be to have a religious figure going on and on about my faith and I’m in a better place, etc.
        Following a conversation on AAM about wills a while back, I made a document laying out what I’d like done with a few things. I don’t own anything to speak of — there are just some things, particularly musical instruments, that I wouldn’t want just tossed or given to just anyone.

      2. mander*

        Oh, I forgot that I’d like any leftover bits cremated so that I can be disposed of partly in the place I live now, and partly in the place where I grew up. It’s a bit hard to pick a burial place if you have divided loyalties but scattering some ashes here and there would be a lot easier. ;-)

    8. FutureLibrarian*

      Though I am not Catholic (was raised in Protestant though, so not too different), I went to a Catholic school for HS. As part of a religion class, we had to plan our funerals.

      Yes, you read that correctly. 16/17 year old kids had to plan their own funerals. Unfortunately, I no longer have the document (but I should have saved it!!!).

      I couldn’t tell you what was in it. I was more religious back then, and now am not. I have told my mom that I want my organs donated (if it is possible). I also want to be cremated. Otherwise, they should have a large party with lots of food (as I love food).

    9. Lady Bug*

      I want a giant party with an awesome playlist from my ipod that will include only one sad song to cry during and my husband wants a comic roast at home, cremation, no viewing. We are both atheists. We are only in our 40s and 50s respectively, but we both feel like we’ve lived full lives and don’t want anyone to be sad when we die. Of course they will be, but we’d prefer to celebrate our lives not mourn our death. And I think the cost of coffins, funerals, cemetery plots etc is a ridiculous waste of money since I don’t have religous beliefs that require a burial.

      2. danr*

        Well, do plenty of stuff that tells well and keep your friends in the loops for it and the eulogies will have them rolling in the aisles. I’ve been to funerals of relatives like that. The only tears were tears of laughter. Which the deceased have approved of.

    10. Sara*

      Interesting to think about! I actually don’t know what my parents would want. (They’re thankfully both in fairly good health, so it’s never come up.) I think the point about funerals/memorial services being for the surviving family members is a good one. I want to donate my body (or be cremated if Science doesn’t want me), but I have no particular wishes for any memorial.

      1. danr*

        My mother didn’t want a funeral, but she got one anyway, having no say in the matter. :)=. We kept it simple and had plenty of food afterward.

    11. Aussie Teacher*

      I want a celebration of my life. I’m a Christian so while I know people will be sad, I want people to know that I’m confident I’m in a better place and to celebrate that. I also told my husband I’m happy to be cremated (organs donated of course if they’re of any use) as I won’t be using my body anymore – no point in coffins and burials and all that jazz.

      1. Alma*

        Please don’t forget to speak to family about end of life issues – what is “extraordinary measures” to you? Who has your medical power of attorney (everyone needs to be clear on this)? Where is your will? What are your wishes for children? for pets?

        Do this no matter how old you are, please. There is nothing more horrifying than a young family at risk of losing a parent, and having to guess (or argue about) what the loved one’s plans would have been had they written them down.

        Do not keep the medical power of attorney in a safe deposit box – what if you need it at midnight?

        And if you don’t have a professionally prepared will, please write out your directions, have it notarized at the least, and make sure someone knows about it. My mother did not leave a will – she owned a business, had investments and other personal properties, as well as joint properties – and the laws of the state would have upset her greatly. This caused great disruption in familial relationships.

        Please don’t put these important conversations off.

    12. Noah*

      This is one thing both my parents have been very clear on. They want to be cremated and possibly have a service in the church they attend, but they don’t really care that much. What they do not want is for us to spend a large amount of money on a funeral or burial.

    13. Susan*

      I’m firmly in the camp that believes funerals are more for the people left behind than the person who died. An old high school friend (25 yrs old), who past away a couple months ago, was a known atheist but her parents, who are religious, had a Christian ceremony. They honored her in other ways where her personality could shine through. The Beauty and the Beast rose was on her coffin, they played music from LOTR during the viewing, etc. I’m atheist, too, but I wouldn’t deny the people who had to plan my funeral the best chance at closure they have if that’s what they’d need.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I believe that is correct, funerals are to assist with the grieving process. I know the way we grieve is changing. Growing up a funeral was a 3-4 event. Viewings at night and then the funeral on the last day. Now, most of the time I do not see calling hours that are not immediately before the funeral. I also see a lot of no calling hours, private funeral. I think people are doing what is best for them and different situations have different needs.

      2. bkanon*

        When my uncle died, all the flowers were in his favorite team’s colors and the music was his favorite classic rock ballads. His biker friends who attended (new blue jeans and polished shiny leather coats! They were dressed up.) were all very pleased as it was just how he would have wanted it.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      I am leaning more and more toward celebrating a life, as opposed to a funeral. My father bought my husband and me burial plots with him and my mother. So that is … set in stone.. so to speak. I am just left with planning what I would want for a funeral.

      I have toyed with the idea of a prepaid funeral instead of having life insurance. I don’t have anyone dependent on my income so I have this option. What I like about it, is that it gives me a way to let my wishes be known and have someone to carry them out. But I am still sitting on the fence about actually doing it.

      My church also offers to keep a file of final wishes for people.

    15. Rubyrose*

      I was thinking about doing a similar post here today – so glad you beat me to it!!
      I’ve been through a process in the past couple of years of thinking about this, came to some decisions this year, and have acted on them.
      First off, I’m in my early 60s, but have aunts and uncles that have lived to be 100, 102. So I expect to be around for a while. I have no children, so there is a good chance that when I go there will be no one around. I mean, my nephews (whom I’m not so close to right now) could be in their late 70s, early 80s when I pass – if they are still alive. That, and the fact I converted to Judaism means that even if my sister (Catholic) and best friend (agnostic) are around, they would have no idea as to what I would want. I am fortunate in that my sister and best friend are supportive of what I would want and would not want to force their beliefs/traditions on my (then dead) body. And it also helps that they have similar beliefs to mine (no fancy show, minimalist approach).
      So I went to the Jewish funeral home, documented plans, and paid for it. Ditto for the cemetery plot. Called both my sister and friend and had a frank discussion about what I had done, what they would immediately need to know, and covered with them the basic approach to a more traditional Jewish funeral. The funeral home suggested that I carry one of their calling cards in my purse, so if something did happen anyone going through my wallet looking for information would have a clue (I live in a different state than my sister/friend).
      I’m in the process of drawing up another will and merging some financial accounts. Once that is done, I plan on emailing them pertinent info.
      Yes, I think the service is really more for the living. But why put anyone through hypocrisy? Laying out in advance is the way to go. If they choose not to follow your desires, there is nothing you can do about it.

    16. Rubyrose*

      Now, what I was really thinking of posting.
      What has been interesting throughout the funeral planning process is the reaction of people when I’ve told them I’m doing it. Some, like my sister, who had done her own planning, was perfectly on board with it. Others immediately decided (without hearing me out) that I was planning on dying like right now and wanted to know what fatal illness I had. My new therapist started down the path that I had some type of death wish and was concerned that I was going to indirectly harm myself. My best friend did not like to hear this talk but was obviously interested. Probably because she had some very concrete ideas as to what she wants for herself but is unwilling to do any of the up front planning now. And what she wants is, I think, too much to ask her daughters to do in time of grief. She wants her daughters to located a super cheap plot at any rural cemetery in the county (does not have one picked out) and get her in the ground, not embalmed, within 24 hours of death. Really? I’m working on her now, to get a more concrete plan in place.

      So what type of resistance have any of you encountered in communicating your plans and desires to others?

      1. nep*

        You are smart.

        Very interesting and thought-provoking, both posts.
        So, these people who resist in some way, or worry you’ve got some kind of terminal illness you’re hiding, or a death wish — Do they know that no one here gets out alive? The only certainty in this life is that one is going to die — we just don’t know when our number will be up. But it will. So it’s utterly normal (and smart) to ease the process for loved ones and plan for something that’s Going. To. Happen.
        I and my parent and siblings talk about these things pretty openly — no one freaks out about it. I have a sense most of my friends and co-workers would be the same.

        1. nep*

          (I don’t mean any of that in a snide way, so pardon the sarcasm. I just find it fascinating how some people see death as some taboo subject…some don’t seem to want to accept we’re all going there.)

        2. fposte*

          Has anybody else here followed Caitlin Doughty and her Order of the Good Death? She’s a young mortician with a blog circle and then a book (Smoke Gets in Your Eyes) that I quite liked. She’s just really interested in death, in a very non-macabre way, and has a lot of insight about that.

          We are also having a strange little ripple in YA lit about kids working at funeral homes and mortuaries, and so far they’re all really good books: Jen Violi’s Putting Makeup on Dead People; Jason Reynolds’ The Boy in the Black Suit; Jennifer Longo’s Six Feet Over It are the ones I remember.

        3. Rubyrose*

          It’s like they have not even thought about it, which I find strange. Granted, when I was growing up I was being taken constantly to funerals (large Catholic family) and I don’t think that happened for many people. I also got accustomed to viewing bodies, even as early as kindergarten. It was just another life event.

          I know there are people who think that is too traumatic for a young child. That is the belief of one of my nephew’s wife, who had a total meltdown because my sister took her eight year old granddaughter to a funeral (just to the lobby, not even to the viewing room). What I never got was when nephew’s wife planned on starting the process of educating her children on death.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Nephew’s wife sounds pretty mixed up.

            Personally, I have always been content with the way my father handled things. I was five when grandpa died. My father asked me if I wanted to go to the funeral. I said yes. We went. He explained everything to me as we went along. I was too young to ask really good questions so he just talked and talked. I have always looked back on that and thought he did an impressive job in explaining things to me. Not everyone puts that much energy into explaining something to a five year old. He seemed to understand that I was following along.
            As an adult I realized that it probably helped him process his own grief by helping me to understand what was going on.

          2. the gold digger*

            when nephew’s wife planned on starting the process of educating her children on death.

            My dad once commented that one of the few disadvantages of having raised his children on military bases was that we rarely saw anyone old or unhealthy and we never saw dead people. (Not because my parents would not have taken us to a funeral, but because anytime someone died, we were living too far away to attend.)

      2. Turanga Leela*

        I’ve had no resistance communicating my own plans, but enormous resistance trying to get my father to tell me what he wants. I brought up both end-of-life planning and what he would want after he dies, and his response was, “Leela, you’re being morbid.” I pushed harder and got vague statements. Eventually I decided he’s just not going to tell me. Either he’ll write something down before he dies, or he’ll die and I’ll have to figure something out then. At least I tried.

      3. Kristen*

        My husband passed away 13 years ago from brain cancer, he was 28 and I was 31. When I got his headstone done I put my name on it as well….some of my friends and family thought I was insane. My parents have instructions that if anything happens to me I am to be cremated and my ashes put there. If I do happen to find someone and get married again my spouse will be instructed to cremate me and half my ashes will go with my first husband and they can do what they wish with the other half.

    17. nep*

      Perhaps we should have in our living wills that someone should inform the AAM community of our passing.

      1. Rubyrose*

        Yikes! That and all the issues around userid/passwords, closing down online accounts – I have not gone there yet!
        I think I have heard of some service that if you don’t log into it, say, every 3 months, they assume you are dead and they can somehow either close down your accounts or make userid/passwords available to someone you have designated. I really don’t know much about it….

      2. fposte*

        I actually have that in my instructions :-). You guys are somewhere between the bank accounts and the out-of-town colleagues.

          1. fposte*

            Yup, absolutely. There’s a listserv I’ve been on for over a decade now, and we’ve lost a few members; those of us still on it have talked about making sure the listserv is on the notification list, and I’ve added AAM (and I feel like there’s another venue and I can’t remember it).

            It’s not a lawyer-made document or anything. But since I’m living alone at the moment, I have an easily available document that outlines the location of my assets (they’ve all got beneficiaries set up), who has my mortgage, where titles are, who needs to be notified, etc. Once I get a will written, I’ll add the lawyer to it (most of my stuff doesn’t need a will, so I’ve been slow on that).

            I like to think I’ll outlive the whole concept of blogs, let alone AAM specifically, but if I’m wrong, I don’t want people here to think I’m just sulking :-).

        3. Not So NewReader*

          Thank you for posting this solution. Not that anyone has to explain why they drop out here, but it’s good to know if they have moved on, or they might be back later or more finite, they have passed from this world. I know there have been a few times where I have thought I have not seen so-and-so here post recently. Then a post will pop up a few days later, oh, okay. Again, not that anyone owes anything here, but sometimes I get to wondering if the person is okay and I know other people will mention it, too.

      3. Alma*

        I have a circle of friends that met, originally, on an online community, much like AAM. At a point we began our own private discussion online, and had several gatherings where we met with each other – this has been 15+ years ago, and many of us are still in contact on FB.

        One of our group traveled widely for her work in the European countries. We knew her for years, and she was “median” age (we had a great-granny or two, as well as two or three in their 20’s – but most of us were 40-ish to 50-ish).

        We were alerted that she had died by the guy who “was just a friend” that we watched develop into more. They had been married a year or two. He knew how much the group meant to her, and got on her computer to figure out how to contact one of us to pass the word. It was sudden, and surprising. I still haven’t deleted her from my contact list – I can’t bring myself to so.

        I cannot remember where I saw suggestions for planning ahead for online memberships, accounts, blogs, contact lists. The article said to leave instructions, log in names with passwords, and specifics about what was to be deleted, and what could remain up.

        My guess is that I would leave these directions with the person I most trust to be my medical power of attorney.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been thinking about this because I’m still alone *sigh* I told my brother before I went to the UK last year that if I died there, please leave me there. Let them cremate me, and don’t waste money bringing me back. If I die here, I want to go there, but I need to arrange that somehow.

      Also I thought about donating myself to the Body Farm (the University of Tennessee Anthropological Research Facility). I could lie in the woods and forensics students could study my decomp and the natural activity that goes with it, and then I would join the bones in the Donated Skeletal Collection. I’m not a big fan of Tennessee, but I would be contributing to science, which is awesome, so I guess I wouldn’t mind being there for all eternity. :)

      1. Turanga Leela*

        I wish more people would consider this. I’m an organ donor and have told my family that I’d like to have my body donated to medical science if it’s at all possible—I love the idea that I could be useful after I die. I’d be fine with something like the Body Farm or with a medical school (students need cadavers to learn on, and they depend on donors). You can sign yourself up to be a body donor ahead of time, but IIRC, it’s not as simply as I thought; sometimes they’ll only take bodies from a certain geographic area, or they won’t take bodies of people who had certain medical conditions.

        I have not actually done the paperwork to donate my body, and I really should. Then again, I also haven’t put together my will or living will, and those are probably a higher priority.

      2. mander*

        Ah, that would also be great, and appropriate for my profession! When I was younger I wanted to figure out a way to donate my skeleton to my undergraduate anthropology department to use as a teaching tool, but I wanted a little brass plaque attached to my skull that said who I was and when I attended the university.

        Of course that’s not really realistic but I still think it would be kind of neat. That or figuring out the best place to be buried so that I might be fossilized.

      3. the gold digger*

        donating myself to the Body Farm

        Plus if you do that, your family does not have to pay to dispose of your remains! Even cremation is not cheap. (And in some states, you have to buy a casket even if you are cremated – the funeral business is a huge racket – read The American Way of Death by Jessica Mitford.)

  9. Wrench Turner*

    At a recent community association meeting (Not a homeowner’s association, thank gods, but neighborhood civic group) I proposed putting a sculpture on a small triangular traffic island around the corner of my house. Our neighborhood has no public art and that simply will not do.

    After some conversation with county government and Dept. of Transportation folk, I brought a proposal for building and putting up three Little Free Libraries, offering Fiction, Non-Fiction and Comics/Manga. It seemed to go over well. Lots of design/budget/government approval back and forth is in the future but it’s a step in the right direction.

    1. nep*

      That is great. Good for you. I love to hear about people putting things into action like this in their communities.

      1. FutureLibrarian*

        Yup. While I (obviously, see username) love any libraries, the town I live in had to replace the real boulders (fancy rock decorations) with fake ones after someone ran into them. I don’t remember the details, but there have been other accidents since. Drunk people tend to drive right through them.

        1. Florida*

          Yes, there is a large (think 20 feet across reflectors, lights, and palm trees in the center) roundabout structure on the corner where I live. At least once a year, a car plows straight into it.

      2. Wrench Turner*

        Been here 3 years and haven’t seen an accident there yet. It’s medium/low traffic volume, even at rush hour but your point is very well-received.

    3. fposte*

      Go you! I love public art. In addition to Gene’s point, can I request a plate with the artist and title? There’s this one really cool sculpture downtown that I can’t find any information about, and it makes me crazy.

    4. Florida*

      A couple of weeks ago, I discovered a little free library in someone’s yard about a quarter of a mile from me. I drive by it all the time, but I didn’t notice it until I walked by it. I love it. Now I walk over there every few days to see what they have and donate some other books I’m done with.

      1. Liz in a Library*

        A few months ago, I looked up all the ones in my town because I had a sizeable box of books in good condition that needed a home. I’m so glad I did it, and recommend it to everyone! Now I see them all the time where I had just glossed over them before, and it makes me so happy!

    5. Neat Public Art Idea*

      Around here, the city hires artists to paint murals all over the place. It started by having artists paint on those large boxes that are on every intersection that has a red light. Then it expanded to included any ugly utility-type of structure – the green electrical boxes, some dumpsters, fences around construction sites (although those are temporary). It’s so neat. It doesn’t take up any extra space because the boxes are already there. It just makes them more fun.

    6. olympiasepiriot*

      Has it been evaluated for possibly creating a blind spot? That would depend on how tall the sculpture was, but might need to be considered.

  10. Anon the Great and Powerful*

    Hey Alison the new ad above the comments section is driving me crazy on mobile. It’s taking up my entire phone screen. I uploaded a screenshot to imgur so you can see what I mean, here’s the link:
    http://imgur.com/Rg8AGKn

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yeah, I’m not a fan either. I’m experimenting with some different ad formats this month (because it’s a slow traffic month so I figure now is the time). I don’t like this one, but can’t have it addressed until Monday when my ad network people are back at work! (There’s a lesson about testing things on Fridays, I guess.) In the interest of transparency, it’s likely to stay that size but I’d like it to have different content in it.

      1. CAA*

        There’s a lesson about testing things on Fridays, I guess.
        Yep, most of the software companies I’ve worked at deploy new releases on Thursday nights for exactly this reason.

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        The size isn’t bothersome (to me, at least), but the video content slows the page down SO much. You can barely scroll down.

      3. BrownN*

        I’ve always been taught that when you are making changes to a website to test it on various devices, so that you have an idea what the user will go through. I’m sure the ad folks at least have a mobile phone to see their work in the real world.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Definitely! But they haven’t been able to replicate the issues that people have reported (and neither have I, for the most part); keep in mind that these issues aren’t affecting the majority of users so replicating them isn’t straightforward. That has made it a lot harder to solve.

          1. calibrachoa*

            Maybe set up a separate post for people with issues to leave comments on with details of what systems, etc, they are on? like what browser version or what type of a tablet they are using?

      2. cosmetics queen*

        Yup. Huge and annoying and really, really off-putting and obnoxious. I may have to look into getting an AdBlocker for mobile, I think they’re doing those now.

          2. cosmetics queen*

            Yes, they are. They are HUGE (I’ve never seen such large ads on mobile before), ugly and intrusive.

            To make things even worse, since I first posted they’ve started displaying twice, one block directly above the other. Now I have to scroll down several times to find actual content. And it may not be the ads, but something on this site keeps making my browser app crash, and it only started today.

            1. Anon the Great and Powerful*

              I have never seen such huge ads, either. Usually mobile ads are just a banner at the bottom (that I still always accidentally click but at least it’s not an eyesore).

            2. Felix*

              I agree! Giant eyesore. I took a screenshot too, but it’s the same as what “anon the great and powerful posted.” I’ve never seen a mobile app this large before.

              I accidentally clicked on it while trying to scroll past and it opens up into my App Store, which is also annoying.

              I love this blog so I wouldn’t stop reading ever! I would definitely look into an ad blocker, though, if mobile ads stay like this.

              1. Claire (Scotland)*

                Yeah, that’s a real problem with such big ads on my phone. “Just scroll” isn’t helpful when the ads are so big they take up the full screen, as scrolling without accidentally activating the link is almost impossible. Intentional or not, it feels like my browsing is being hijacked. :/

                1. Corrupted by Coffee*

                  That’s what I was going to say. To scroll, I have to touch the screen, and if the ad takes up the whole screen, you’re essentially making me click on it and then have to hit back. I know a couple of forums that do this in between posts and it’s super annoying.

          3. Hummingbird*

            I’m on my desktop, and when I was trying to write something on here, it kept disturbing my typing, making my typing skip letters or the script to stop responding.

            1. Rubyrose*

              Ditto here, on my laptop. The entire browser (Firefox) keeps locking up and the only solution is to open the task manager and end the entire browser.

            2. William*

              I used to have the same problem, too (Internet Explorer on Windows 8.1). It stopped around the same time I updated to Windows 10; not sure whether that fixed it or it was a coincidence.

            2. Aaliya*

              Id love to scroll right by but unfortunately they’re so big I can’t scroll without hitting one if the ads and getting sent to the App Store. This sucks.

  11. Ruffingit*

    So pissed off right now. We moved into a house, we are renting, on Tuesday. Got water and gas hooked up on Thursday. We have been without hot water since we moved in because the hot water heater is broken and illegally set up as the plumber informed us this morning. That will be fixed on Monday. Also, the toilets were not flushing properly. They are working now thanks to the plumber. The furnace doesn’t work either, which means we’ve been without heat since Tuesday. We routinely wake up to temperatures of 55 degrees in here. That is supposed to be fixed on Tuesday IF the part comes in and even then, it may need to be replaced completely.

    I have been in contact with the property management company of course. I am totally outraged and appalled that so many things are not up to snuff or code in some cases. These are things we had no way of checking until after moving in. I would have thought they would have been checked BEFORE renting the place.

    We’re going to a hotel and will stay there until these things are fixed. I am waiting now for the property manager to call me so we can discuss them paying for that and prorating our rent money for the time we can’t inhabit the place. GAH!! SO FREAKING MAD.

    1. Apollo Warbucks*

      That sucks! I hope you get it sorted out soon and that he company pay for the hotle and the inconvenie they’ve caused. Im not so good with farenhite is 55 nearly freezing?

    2. FutureLibrarian*

      That’s absolutely unacceptable.

      Is it an option to move to another place at this point? The fact that you are already having so many issues makes me wonder what they will do if you have more issues.

      Obviously, moving is ridiculously expensive, difficult, and might not be possible. But definitely see what options you have, as I’ve learned my lesson about forgiving landlords for apartment problems.

      1. Windchime*

        Yeah, nobody likes to move but I’d be tempted. A shirt-tail relative had to do this. He moved himself, two small kids and very pregnant wife into a house. Once they moved in and turned on the heat, they realized that the master bedroom stank of cat pee. Cleaning the carpets didn’t help (it had permeated into the floor below), so in less than a month the family had to move again. I don’t know what he did about breaking the lease but he couldn’t keep his family there in that unhealthy stench.

    3. Mimmy*

      Dang, first you leave one horrible situation (your last job), only to be in another crappy situation! Can’t catch a break!

      Yeah, that’s definitely not acceptable. I hope you get things worked out soon, but the HOA should definitely be on the hook. Were there any red flags when you started this process with them?

      1. Ruffingit*

        No red flags present. We worked with a real estate agent who assisted us in finding the rental, nothing jumped out as a possible problem. Moving may become an option if more things pop up.

    5. bassclefchick*

      SO annoying! I feel you. We just moved in to a new place this summer. And we’re the LUCKY tenants with the apartment right over the room in the garage that houses the garbage dumpster. Yeah. Our apartment smells REALLY bad. And our wonderful property managers won’t do a thing about it. Yay.

    6. Doriana Gray*

      That’s outrageous, and they absolutely should pay for your hotel accommodations. If they don’t, will your renters insurance pick up the tab? I’d call and ask about that too.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t see how they could rent out a property in that condition. It’s not inhabitable. Do you have a department of code enforcement in your state?

    8. Dan*

      Your situation sucks. Fwiw, I feel like it’s reasonable to expect your hotel bill paid or prorated rent, but not both. You’re “made whole” by either one, which a lot of times is the maximum recovery the legal system allows.

      2. Ruffingit*

        Yeah, I realize that. I’m just bitter and exhausted. We lived for two days without heat or hot water and the fact that so many things are wrong in the house makes me angry. Also, I kind of feel like they should pay for both the hotel and prorate the rent because, sure, we have a roof over our head in the hotel, but we are being ridiculously inconvenienced by having to live out of suitcases for several days with two dogs. And all because they didn’t bother to check things over and make sure they were working before renting the home. Not to mention my elderly, disabled mother lives with us and we couldn’t get the handicapped accessible hotel room because it was already taken. So that’s fun. I had to give her a shower this evening with her standing up, which is REALLY difficult for her to do, not to mention we don’t have the flexible shower head here, which meant she had to move back and forth in the shower to ensure all the soap was off her. AND she had to step over the tub ledge and out of the tub. She nearly fell on me trying to do that because she’s very unsteady on her feet and slips easily. It’s just been a huge nightmare.

        We are also out the money necessary to purchase food. There is a tiny fridge in this room so we can’t really keep days worth of food in it so we have to go out and purchase things to eat on a regular basis. It’s just…yeah.

        Let me be clear that, as a former attorney, I realize that I wouldn’t likely win on getting prorated rent AND the hotel stay, but this is not a legal case, it’s simply how I feel.

        In any case, they are paying for the hotel and issues several apologies. So there’s that I guess.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          omg. It’s can’t be one thing, it has to be ten things, right? Why does life do this to us? I call this stuff “The Rain”, where it is just one thing after another.
          Positive vibes heading your way, may The Rain stop and things get on an even keel for you very soon. Kudos to you for taking such good care of your mom. She is lucky to have you.

        3. Dan*

          No, I get it. A few years back, I had a land lady who was lazy and didn’t want to fix things. I had lived in traditional apartments until that point, so I was used to picking up the phone and things magically getting fixed. She was DIY property manager who lived 20 miles from the property. Fine in most places in the country, not fine in LA where traffic is a constant mess.

          Within the span of a week, the oven and the air conditioner went out. She was taking longer than I would have liked to fix things, and I started snooping around. Turns out she was renting out an illegal duplex, and the city says I do not owe any rent whatsoever in that circumstance. The kicker is that if she does try to evict me, I do have to file a formal complaint with the city, at which point the city kicks us out because the dwelling is, you know, illegal. On top of all of that, city law said that she would have to pay us $7000 to move.

          I was heading off to grad school anyway, and my roommate was moving in with his girl friend, so moving out wasn’t the end of the world. We went with the “we’re not paying rent” route, and everything else short of the $7000 payout happened as expected, because she did try to evict us.

          TL;DR: While we didn’t get the cash payout we were expecting, landlady lost like 6 months of rent @ $1800/mo, had to deal with the city, and put the house back into compliance. In the end, I thought that ended up being a little much, but hey, she didn’t want to fix things and owned a rental in a tenant friendly area.

    9. MsChanandlerBong*

      So much empathy! We finally moved after five years renting from people who didn’t care to fix anything. We routinely woke up to temps around 57 in the winter. The landlord’s fix? “Go bang on the furnace.” There was so much sediment in it that it would get clogged and stop working randomly. We had intermittent problems with the sewer as well. The entire house would smell like sewer gas, to the point where the smell was so strong that it would wake me up from a sound sleep. Fortunately, that only happened once a week or so, until November 2014. One morning, I woke up to the sewer gas smell, and it wouldn’t go away. It took the landlord SIX days to get a plumber to our house; meanwhile, I was throwing up and getting headaches from the strong smell. When the plumber came, he found a cracked pipe, which was leaking sewage into our dirt basement. Of course the landlord didn’t want to pay a plumber to do the work, so he put in a new pipe himself. I’m sure the new tenant will end up with a problem soon enough.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I would have been scared that the house would blow up. What an awful situation. I am sorry this happened to you.

    10. Red*

      I’m hearing you! It’s summer here in Australia, and our air conditioner has been broken for three weeks and the agent just hasn’t done anything about it. I can’t convert to F, sorry, but it’s been 40°C during the day and about 30°C over night. Uuuurgh. Good luck!

  12. Gene*

    Yay! Another season of Top Chef.

    Grayson may be back, but she needs to get her stuff together. And that dude with the man-bun, what a tool.

    1. Mike C.*

      I know, right? How can you not laugh at someone who spends their time dropping names and puts his blown up picture on the front of his restaurant?

      I got really annoyed with the chick who was trying to brand herself as “The SASSSSAY Chef”. “Hey guys, I’m SASSSAY, “. Uggggh.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I haaaaate Man Bun. And Grayson– I loved her during Texas, so whatever her deal is, it has to stop.

      I can’t decide who I like at this point. Marjorie, probably. Amar, maybe. Too soon to tell.

    4. K.*

      I watched Grayson’s season but I don’t remember her, which means she was probably inoffensive then. I don’t know WHAT is going on with her now, but she seems not to understand a) that this is a competition and she isn’t going to get to cook whatever she wants, and b) that participating in this competition is voluntary. If she doesn’t want to be there so badly, she should go home. Her constant negativity is really frustrating – she acts like a petulant 13-year-old.

      1. Arjay*

        I kinda get the feeling that she wants to be on tv more than she wants to be in the competition, so she’s going for soundbite territory.

    5. Sara*

      Is it available streaming anywhere? I love Top Chef but don’t have Bravo. (And even if I did, it’s on WAY past my bedtime.)

      1. Sourire*

        Bravo (bravotv . com) streams it, though I think they only keep an episode or two up and at a time so you need to keep up with it.

        1. Draper*

          Yes, they stream it, but you have to authenticate through a “television provider” with whom they have an agreement.

    7. CharlieCakes*

      I didn’t watch the Grayson season either, but I second that she is acting like an unruly and obnoxious teenager. Get over yourself! Along with Man Buns I find this season a little annoying. I’m going to stick it out though.

      Anyone watch this weekend where they showed the Somm show right after? I think it’s usually on the Esquire network and it’s a show about people trying to become Master Sommeliers.

    1. Mike C.*

      I grew up with a cat who would lay on his back on the tree skirt, reach up as high as he could, grab an ornament, pull down and then let go.

    2. Sparrow*

      Mine too! One likes to burrow underneath and then surprise the other two when they walk by. Surprisingly that’s the only thing they like about the tree. They never mess with the ornaments or branches.

  14. Gene*

    Holiday potluck this evening. I’m experimenting on them with a Canolli Cake. We’ll see how this tastes.

      1. bassclefchick*

        me too!!! I’ll split dessert with my husband…but he knows to keep his paws off my cannoli and my tiramisu. LOL

      2. Alma*

        THANK YOU, Gene!!

        There is a link to a recipe for Pull-Apart Rugelach!!!

        I may have died and gone to heaven. I’ll have my next of kin let you know…

  15. Mike C.*

    So there was a request to discuss fountain pens a few days ago so here’s a little bit to get started but feel free to ask any questions or join in with your own thoughts. This is borrowed from another forum, but it lays it out pretty nicely:

    Why use a fountain pen?

    1. It feels better: Writing with a fountain pen is like painting on the page. Very little pressure is used since unlike a ballpoint pen, more ink will not come out with additional pressure.

    2. It’s better for the environment: You can buy a pen made in the forties (or one made last week) and use it for lifetimes. The only consumable is the ink, which is primarily made up of water and benign substances. It’s a huge departure from your disposable plastic ballpoint pens. Even if you have an expensive MontBlanc rollerball, the consumables on such pens are disposable plastic/metal one-time-use cartridges. *This is a great way to justify a hobby. :D

    3. It’s stylish: Much like old-fashioned shaving has made a resurgence, fountain pens show an investment in the process of writing, rather than simply using a cheap (or even an expensive) ballpoint. Fountain pens can also be one of the few forms of “jewellery” it’s acceptable for men to have. A nice way to show off and have a little personality while keeping it professional.

    4. Lots of choice in pens for practically any style: You can buy pens from all over the world manufactured over the past 70 years without trouble. Practically every design aesthetic that has existed in that time has corresponding pens.

    5. Ink choices galore: You can buy tons of different colors of inks for any use, with different properties.

    Ok, me again. Personally, it’s a fun hobby that I can indulge in at work. It’s fun collecting different styles and trying out different inks. Colors have a wide variety of hues and shading, some have special properties such as being water resistance or don’t feather. Pens are still being made today from a variety of manufacturers but antique pens are also lots of fun.

    Despite the prices of some of the fancier pens, a good solid pen can be had for around $15 for a Pilot Metro. I don’t know where else to take this, so if you’re curious, have questions or collect pens yourself, have at it! :)

    1. fposte*

      I saw that Mont Blanc mention and knew Mike C. bait when I saw it :-).

      So, as a collector of various non-pen things, I’m always interested in what, for a serious aficionado, is the difference between “Sure, it’s fine,” and “I love this one and must have it.” So what do you love best about the pens you love best?

      1. Mike C.*

        Oh man, great question.

        I have larger hands (I played the viola over the violin when I was younger for this very reason), so I generally like larger pens (though Pilot Metropolitans are an exception here). I’m a huge fan of piston or vacumatic-fill pens where the entire barrel of the pen is used to hold ink (rather than a cartridge or cartridge converter). When they come in clear plastic (search for TWSBI 580 for a great example of this) it’s known as a “demonstrator” where you can see the screw/piston mechanism and the color of the ink shows through.

        I tend towards clean, modern styles in in either neutral colors or blue. An example of a pen I wanted for a long time (and ended up importing at a significant discount) was a Pelikan M600 in blue. Great classic style, dual tone gold nib (gold nibs are fun because they flex – introducing line variation and this has a great effect with certain inks) and it holds a ton of ink. I’ll include pictures of some of the pens I’m fond of in the next post.

        1. Stephanie*

          I have larger hands too. (They fit in most women’s gloves, though…the L/XL size though.) But my fingers have a giant span…giant enough that my orchestra director was trying to get me to play the string bass.

        2. Alma*

          What do you use to clean ink leaks inside the barrel? I have a few that haven’t been used in ummm, decades, and I would love to use them regularly.

          How do you suggest they be carried (by women who often don’t have pockets in jackets, pants, skirts…)?

          1. Marcela*

            When the fountain pen has been in use, I only use water to clean them. Those that have been stored for a long time, without being properly cleaned, I clean them with a cleaning solution for technical or calligraphy pens. Y use a cartridge converter to fill the pen from the small “bottle”, so the liquid cleans the nib too.

          2. Mike C.*

            If we’re talking modern pens I go with anything from water to water+dishwashing liquid to rubbing alcohol if I’m using Baystate Blue* or feed and nib really need a good cleaning. Older stuff I’ll be more gentle with. Since they’re older, an overnight soak in water should but just fine to start and see from there, unless it’s made from some weird material that doesn’t like water.

            Man, I always forget about the conspiracy that women’s fashion designers have against pockets.

            A decent (by this I mean modern or properly restored) pen generally won’t leak. It might burp ink or whatnot when it’s stored upside down, is less than half full and was warmed up. Even still, you can buy pens with solid screw caps and rubber gaskets that offer even more protection. Otherwise you can buy small pen holders or pen pouches to fit in your purse or handbag.

            The only other thing I would say is be careful of large elevation changes or using one on a plane. Either fill them up completely or drain them. That air bubble can be obnoxious.

            1. Alice 2*

              Re: planes. Don’t forget to store them nib up, and only use them (if at all) once the plane has reached cruising altitude.
              Resources:
              Goulet pens (.com but also very informative youtube channel, see: fountain pens 101 playlist)
              Penaddict.com (also podcast!)
              Wellappointeddesk.com
              Edjelley.com
              Reddit.com/r/fountainpens

              1. Mike C.*

                Great sources! Just to add, Fountain Pen Network is also a great site, and “sbrebrown” on youtube has some great reviews of pens if you’re curious about what’s out there.

        3. CA Admin*

          I have small hands, so I like thinner pens. I’ve had a hard time finding a good selection of thin pens–most are super wide! I have a Lamy Studio, which is really nice, but I would’ve liked something a little thinner.

    2. mander*

      I’ve had a few fountain pens over the years (just cheap modern ones). They were really trendy for a while when I was in middle school and I had a big collection of various colored inks, though they were the kind that come in little plastic cartridges.

      I have never purchased a proper one that you use an inkwell with — what kind of stuff do you need to get besides the pen itself? What do you do if you are out and about and run out of ink?

      1. Mike C.*

        All you need with the pen (if it isn’t a piston/vacumatic fill) is an appropriate cartridge converter. This is basically a cartridge sized piston or bladder that fits inside the pen and the vast, vast majority of pens use these. You can also just refill the ink carts with a blunt tipped syringe. Other than that, you just need a bottle of ink.

        As for running out, I generally find that my large capacity pens last me 4-6 weeks of use and the smaller ones 1-2 weeks. This is light note taking through the day with fine or medium nibs however. I generally rotate through my collection and carry three of them with me at work in a leather case.

    3. Fleur*

      Do you ever have trouble with ink bleeding through papers and general messiness?

      I recently started drawing with Faber Castell artist pens. I like them, but they’re expensive for something that is one use. Do you have any experience with those types of pens vs fountain pens in terms of feel?

      1. Mike C.*

        I tend towards fine nibs so feathering and bleed through is kept at a minimum. I’ve never used the artist type pens however.

      2. Marcela*

        Well yes, the problem with cheap paper is the nightmare of us who only use fountain pens. I am always looking for proper paper, and if I remember correctly when I started researching 2 years ago, it needs to be on the heavier side, more grams per surface unit. There are some gorgeous notebooks being recommended out there by fountain pen connoisseurs, but one of the notebooks I love the most is a very cheap one I bought in the discount shop Daiso.

    4. AcidMeFlux*

      Recently I’ve giften some simple, inexpensive fountain pens to friends (there’s a stationery store across the street from my job that has a decent selection.) everyone has loved their gift. People tell me they use them to sign birthday cards, gift cards, and similar things. They also say “oh! a fountain pen! I forgot they existed!”

    5. danr*

      Except for lefties… smudge city. And yes, I’ve used fountain pens. They make bad handwriting look neat.

      1. Hlyssande*

        Yeah, sucks for lefties. I didn’t see your comment when I posted mine.

        My understanding is that it’s because we’re pushing the writing implement across the surface rather than pulling it like a righty would do.

      2. Alice 2*

        It really depends on how you hold your hand while writing. I hold my hand below the line of writing (underwriter), so I don’t generally smudge. You can also mitigate by changing the angle of the paper, primarily using F nibs, finding fast drying inks, good quality paper, etc.

        Listen to the podcast Pen Addict, ep. 62 – Lefty Apologist (relay.fm/penaddict/62), one of the hosts and the guest (Ana Reinert, from Well Appointed Desk) are lefties and they talk about it.
        I know as a lefty, I probably won’t be able to use the italic nibs because they have too sharp edges for pushing across the page like I do. But I still can use fountain pens, and have fun! Working on my ambidextrous..ness, so I can possibly play with those other nibs too!

    6. Shell*

      Seconding the fountain pen love. I have two Pilot Metropolitans with in fine nib (and it writes like an extra-fine with my dry Lemy ink). They clog a bit, but flat out do not bleed on even the cheapest of paper. I haven’t been able to use either of them much since I no longer have schoolwork to do.

      I also have a Levinger 3.0 in fine; it writes like a medium-fine depending on the paper. This one I use daily (work!). It’s more hefty and durable than the Pilots, though I think I like the Pilot nibs better.

      I’ll leave answering question to Mike C. since he is obviously much more knowledgeable than me. I just thought I’d pipe up in support of fountain pen love.

      1. Mike C.*

        Nah, feel free to jump in! :)

        And Pilot Metros are an insane value for money. You get a hefty brass pen in a variety of really stylish colors (the Metropolitan Pops are really neat looking) and converter for at most $15. I have two in medium and it’s one of my smoothest writers in my collection, by far.

        1. Shell*

          Metros are amazing. Fully agree there. Mine write a little scratchy, but considering the nib is equivalent to an extra-fine I suppose I can’t complain too much. They don’t skip, so I doubt they’re misaligned (though in fairness I don’t have a loupe to look at them clearly).

          I’m hoping once I’m finished with my current bottle of Lamy ink I can go buy a wetter, more lubricating ink (maybe some Diamine?). I do love how they handle even the crappiest paper without feathering or bleeding, so I’ll put up with their scratchiness. I kinda wish I bought medium nibs though (I bought them sight unseen; never seen any of them in stores where I am); on some better behaved paper that don’t feather/bleed, the lines are super, super thin. (On crappy paper that are inclined to bleeding, the line width is perfect for me. Can’t win!)

          I swear if I had gotten into fountain pens when I in school I probably would’ve had better grades! If only because I’d be more inclined to do homework because then I could’ve played with my pens :) (PSA to all: buy fountain pens for students who are stationery geeks! May help their grades if they’re anything like me.)

    7. Noah*

      I use the Pilot Varsity fountain pens. Two reasons. First, they’re cheap and I’m always losing pens. Second, they don’t have as much potential to leak on airplanes. I work for an airline and travel a lot for work, so I don’t want to chance it.

    9. Hlyssande*

      The problem I have with fountain pens is that they’re made for right-handed people, and I am left-handed. This is a plight of lefties. Because we push the pen across the paper rather than pull, all pen writing is wonky, but fountain pens especially so in my experience.

      :(

    10. Blue_eyes*

      I’m getting a book on calligraphy/hand-lettering for Hanukkah. Where should I start for buying a pen, ink, and paper? Specific product recommendations appreciated. I want get decent quality, but I don’t want to invest too much money in it as a beginner. Also, I’m a lefty. Any tips, tricks, products, advice for lefties?

      1. Mike C.*

        For those in the US, Goulet Pens, Jet Pens and Amazon are common places. I know the Lamy series comes with a left handed nib but I can’t say if that’s any good or not. You can also try a faster drying ink – Noodler’s has several named after Ben Bernake as does Private Reserve. Also stick to finer nibs as well.

        Anyone else have luck with this?

        1. Alice 2*

          I’m only dipping my toe in the fountain pen world right now. I’ve had no issues with my Lamy Safari Fine (right handed nib) with my left-handedness. I am an underwriter (my hand is completely under the line I am writing), so I don’t push/dig the nib as much as a sidewriter (dragging hand over newly written line) or overwriter (hooked hand over line of writing) might.
          I’ve also recently invested in a TWSBI 580 AL with a medium nib, and it also writes very nicely. The Diamine ink in my Twsbi works well enough on normal loose leaf paper, but not in my Field Notes or Moleskeine notebooks (Though Moleskeines are not known for being FP friendly).
          As a small tip, stay away from Italic nibs to start, they have sharp edges to them, and more likely to scratch the page when you push it across the page. Most modern nibs I’ve tried out so far, the tipping (bead of metal at end of the nib) is round enough to allow for a smooth write. Glancing at google image search for vintage nibs, they do not have the same tipping, so the edge of the nib is sharp, and liable to dig into the paper. There is probably someone with more knowledge regarding tipping, so correct me if I’m wrong!

    11. Elizabeth West*

      THis is really cool. I’ve never owned a fountain pen, though I have some calligraphy stuff I’ve yet to play with. As a kid, I used to make quill pens out of feathers and try to write with them so I’d probably love to have a fountain pen. I”m bookmarking this!

      1. Nina*

        Seriously, this whole thread is making me want to go to Amazon and Paper Source and spend way too much money on stationery and fountain pens.

        And while I haven’t owned a fountain pen either, I know there is definite value in having a pen that works well and doesn’t bleed. The best pen I own is a Uniball Vision Micro, which I found abandoned on a plane when I worked at the airport. The ink flows incredibly well and it doesn’t bleed at all. When I googled it, it turns out that it’s designed for business travelers because of the vented refill, so it doesn’t explode. I thought that was cool.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      This is fascinating to me. Years ago I bought a glass pen and some scented ink. I still have not tried it. (It was on a bargain table.) They also had quill pens, which I regret not picking up. I sent a glass pen to my aunt. She used a type of handwriting that is not used now. I have forgotten the name for that style of writing. For example, when she addressed an envelop the M in “Mrs” somehow took up most of one side of the envelop with curly swirls. You could easily read the writing but it was very ornate.
      This whole thing with pen types and old styles of handwriting is just so interesting.

    13. fposte*

      This whole subthread is just mesmerizing to me. I’m not a pen person, but it’s just so cool to hear people enthuses about the ins and outs and delights of this stuff.

    14. Penelope Pitstop*

      So…not to hijack this thread, but maybe there’s some overlap:

      I’m not a fountain pen person (though I’m intrigued and aspire to be), but I am a rabid journaler and pen/paper notetaker and I obsess over journals and (non-fountain) pens. Actually, love office supplies of any stripe, but those two categories are particular favorites. Wondering if anyone shares and wants to start a spinoff thread around discussing the merits of pen/paper choices?

      To start off…my current journal favorite is Baron Fig and pens…well, I love my multi-colored Flairs, Sharpie pens, and an Acroball. Please tell me I’m not alone.

  16. Mimmy*

    RAWR!!!! My online professor is getting closer and closer to being on the Naughty column!!

    First, he posts an article that is COMPLETELY protected – i.e. cannot be printed, edited (to make highlights) or even duplicated into another file!

    Second, he posts the submission link for one of our papers, and the due date is THIS TUESDAY – it was listed in the syllabus as being due on December 14 – I’m not even REMOTELY ready to hand this thing in! Luckily it’s only 4-6 pages, but I really hope that was in error.

    Sigh.

    1. Sparkly Librarian*

      The syllabus is law! You’ll have plenty of standing to stick with the date on it. Maybe the submission is set up to *open* on the 8th?

      1. Mimmy*

        Nope, I just re-checked – it says “due date”.

        Plus the fact that this week’s discussion board post is due Wednesday.

        1. AcidMeFlux*

          I’m a teacher. If he pulls that, it means HE screwed up. Stick to your guns and the deadline. Or, he probably wants to get grades in early. That shouldn’t be your problem. (you can ask the department secretary about this.)

        2. Stella Maris*

          Just ask! “The website says X, the syllabus says Y. We (the students) have been tailoring our work completion deadlines to the dates in the syllabus – has there been a misunderstanding?” (And be ready to back yourselves up with a ‘the syllabus is law unless you changed it with the class’s approval – at least that’s how it works at my faculty.)

          1. Lizzie*

            All of my professors, undergrad and grad, had a clause in the syllabus stating that what’s written could be changed by them at any time without prior notice. Your faculty are so much nicer than mine were!

            1. Stella Maris*

              Ouch, not cool!! Ours have to take a vote in class, majority rules. (We have done this, to change weighting for assignments – for example when they realized what they’d asked for was taking everyone a lot longer than anticipated. The exam was worth 5% less overall and the assignment worth went up.)

              I would find it extremely unfair if they could change it without consultation/input/voting!

    2. Menacia*

      As for the posted article which is protected, can you do a screen capture of it if necessary? The program SnagIt can be downloaded and used for free before you have to buy it, it’s a great screen capture which can be used for capturing scrolling windows as well. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used technology to get around other technology, just have to be a little creative. ;)

      1. Mimmy*

        Thanks, but actually a classmate was somehow able to get the school’s help-desk to unlock the protections, and she emailed me the accessible copy. I could’ve hugged her!!

        But good to know for future reference :)

  17. fposte*

    Let’s talk about lint, baby.

    I swear my clothes are picking up more lint in the dryer than I used to. I’m basically talking my wool socks, which I know are inherently lint magnets, but I wear a lot of black wool socks and wow, they are in interesting shape coming out of the dryer. The lint screen fills up at the usual rate and the dryer seems to vent fine; it’s but a young pup of twenty or so and it’s built like a tank. Is there anything I can do to mitigate this? I never actually use dryer sheets–would they help? Can you get unscented ones if so?

    1. Swoop*

      I have cloths similar to these (this is the desc. on amazon, store I got them in is Canadian): ‘Static Eliminator Reusable Dryer Sheets – PurEcosheet – Chemical Free – 2 Count (500+ Loads)’ and they seem to make a difference to both static & lint.

    2. AcidMeFlux*

      Apart from the lint screen, is there another part of the dryer that could be accumulating lint?

      1. fposte*

        The dryer gnomes’ bellybuttons? I don’t really know what parts of a dryer there are–between the drum and the controls it’s all magic to me. Is there an area I should be looking at?

        1. AcidMeFlux*

          The exhaust vent, the places where the lint screen fits into, any places where the lint can get into the body of the dryer. Will post link in next comment.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            The exhaust vent and the hose, etc. should be cleaned out every few months to prevent fires. A vacuum attachment can handle it. I just pull my dryer out, unhook it, and vacuum out the hose. You can buy a flexible attachment that pokes down in where the vent is.

    3. Rana*

      You might try drying at a lower heat. High heat’s pretty rough on clothes, and I wouldn’t be surprised it’s breaking off more fibers than usual.

      1. fposte*

        Hmm. It’s the lowest heat it’s got, so I don’t think it’s that, but “breaking off fibers” made me realize I may have been washing sheddier stuff than usual alongside the socks.

      1. Alma*

        I bought a set of six 100% wool dryer balls that are amazzzzing. (My go-to source, amazon.com.)

        The natural lanolin softens without spots, scent, or static. They do not leave a trace of fiber on my clothes. They are quieter in the dryer than those knobby plastic ones. They don’t overheat.

        These are a size between baseball and softball.

        If you leave gum in your pocket, and it goes in to the dryer with your clothes, the gum will stick to the dryer balls just as it sticks to everything else (person I am staying with does this GRRR…).

    6. Not So NewReader*

      One more. I make my own dryer sheets. I buy the fabric softener I want. (Usually something that sounds organic, near organic or at least has no scent to it.) I spill a little on to a rag that looks to be low lint. I rub the rag against itself to work the softener into the rag. Toss the rag in with the clothes, start the dryer.

      I like getting more than type of use out of a consumable. This lets me chose to add fabric softener to the washer or to the dryer. I actually dry only a few things so this option is important to me.

      Dryers and top loaders that have agitators tend to break down clothes and shorten the life span of the garment. So you may be seeing that break down, but I don’t really know.

    7. GOG11*

      You can purchase scent and dye free dryer sheets. I just get the store-brand usually. I have a lot of skin and respiratory issues, so I have to be very careful, and I’ve had no problems using them, though they work just as well as traditional dryer sheets (I wasn’t always allergic to everything and my mom used the regular kind when I was a kid).

    8. the gold digger*

      I don’t know if this is a possibility for you, but I dry all my socks and gym clothes (i.e., anything with lycra or elastic and anything with wool) on a drying rack. I have read that the heat is not good for lycra, elastic, wool, etc.

    9. Belle diVedremo*

      Nylon net. I get quarter yard lengths in some bright color and toss that into the washer and the dryer. Found it as a suggestion online somewhere as a way to help catch hair. Seems to help with lint, too. I don’t put wool in the dryer wet (do use the “home dry cleaning” sheets sometimes), so don’t have much experience with the nylon net and wool.

  18. sprinkles!*

    How do you know if you have a bad realtor?

    I’m a first-time home buyer. I started working with a realtor a couple of months ago. All of the houses I’ve looked at I’ve found (my realtor never sent me any listings). She also always had me meet her at the houses, never offering to drive me there – don’t know if this is common or not but several friends who used realtors said they never drove anywhere when they were looking. I often dealt with her assistant and rarely her. And a few weird things happened with homes I was interested in, which also made me suspicious.

    I decided to cut ties via email two days ago…and I haven’t heard a word since. Email is how we both prefer to communicate.

    I really don’t want to work with another realtor after this experience. Would it be so bad to fly solo?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      What about those friends for recommendations? I wouldn’t go solo; a realtor can tell you stuff you wouldn’t know on your own (like interpret the pricing history for you or point out an issue with the house you wouldn’t have thought of), get info from the seller’s agent, and advise and negotiate for you on your behalf when it’s time to make an offer. They can also do stuff like find houses that aren’t on the market yet, if you know you want to live in a specific area with low inventory.

      1. sprinkles!*

        Coincidentally, the realtors my friends used are no longer in real estate. I did get one recommendation, but that particular realtor flat out told me I wouldn’t find anything in the area/price range I’m looking at (which I know for certain that’s untrue, because I’ve found a plethora of listings that meet my criteria).

    3. Anonyby*

      That sounds like a bad realtor. The ones I know will meet with you at their office first to find out what you’re looking for, get a bunch of options, and then will at least offer to drive.

      There are a lot of pitfalls that a good realtor can help you through. They can spot issues that you don’t know, make recommendations to companies for things they can’t do (inspections and the like), they’ll deal with all the headaches of scheduling and negotiating. And like Alison said, there’s always houses for sale that might not be on the market yet. For instance, in the real estate office I work in, all listings go up on an office-only board even if they’re not on the MLS. Also, agents talk and will let each other know, “Hey, I’ve got a house coming up that your clients might be interested. Here’s some preview information.”

      1. the gold digger*

        I really liked our buyer’s agent. I was moving from the south to a place with snow, so I was ignorant. (No. I was a fool.) I really liked a house on a corner lot and Todd said, “You know – that’s a lot of shoveling.”

        I had no idea what he was talking about and it never would have occurred to me – but when you live in a city that will fine you for unshoveled sidewalks, you want as little sidewalk as possible.

        (Also – if you are in an area that gets snow – do not buy a house that has the roof pitched toward the driveway – otherwise, you will end up with an Icy Driveway of Death.)

    4. Stella Maris*

      I’d try another one. (And another one, and another one, until you find one that works for and with you.) Maybe crowd-source it (e.g. ask local friends on Facebook or elsewhere) and get some names.

      P.S. It would never occur to me to want to be driven anywhere by a realtor; I would want to do the ‘commute’ myself to see how transit/walking worked and felt. (e.g. too sketchy, what kind of shops are there, etc.) But from other comments that may not be as common. (I also live in a big city so walking/transit is how I get around.)

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        I am a walking/transit person myself, and our agent was a real lifesaver BECAUSE he didn’t have a problem picking me up and driving to showings. Once I found some I liked, I’d go over the commute and transit options carefully, of course, but if I’d had to get myself to these places, we never would’ve seen more than one or two in a day and I would have been stressed and tired and lost so many times!

        1. Stella Maris*

          Interesting! I guess if there are just a couple of neighbourhoods I wanted to look in I would try to see more than one at a go if possible. Thanks for that perspective!

    5. periwinkle*

      I’d be careful about flying solo for a first-time purchase. There are lots of details that need to be handled and a realtor should know what has to be done when and by whom. We were first-timers early this year in a hot market (Seattle region). Since I’d been hitting the Redfin site heavily to look at listings, I decided to use one of their agents. While he would have sent listings if I’d asked, I preferred to search the listings myself to pre-screen what fit our criteria and then request house tours. Our agent rarely did the tours as the office had tour specialists for that (one of whom gave us a good education on the signs of quality vs crap construction); FYI, we always drove ourselves to the houses we looked at. You might prefer a full-service agent if you’d like help in narrowing down your options. However, you can deploy a combination of Redfin, Zillow, and Google Maps/Street View to pick your own! One of our criteria was having traffic light access to the closest busy street; with Google Street View I could scope out all the intersections without having to get off the couch.

      What I really leaned on the agent for was help with the whole process and he was particularly valuable when it came to dealing with the credit union (my mortgage rep went on vacation and her fill-in dropped the ball). Lots of paperwork going to lots of different offices – I’d rather let an expert handle all that.

    6. Edacious*

      Sounds like a bad realtor. We had one where we were completely honest to about low balling an offer as it was a foreclosure house and needed a lot of work. We are talking about the wood burning stove being cemented in the driveway type of work. He guy dropped the ball and thought we didn’t have enough money to get it. But we were always upright and stated if we had to put in another 100k we may as well look for a place that didn’t need as much fixing. The real ort told me off just an email message and then I complained to his office and he had to apologise. Good thing we didn’t get it cause while this was going on I bought another place while on a coffee break.

    7. Chickaletta*

      Ditto on not going solo, especially on your first home buying experience. Keep asking everyone you know for suggestions – even an open request on FB or something like that is better than hiring someone cold. Interview 2-3 before you chose if you need to. And don’t sign a contract with them to be your only realtor. If you do this and it doesn’t work out, you can’t find a new realtor again.

      A good realtor will make sure you get to see the houses you find, show you listings they find too, communicate regularly with you, drive you, meet you there, whatever. They should communicate clearly with you about the lending process, costs, fees, inspections, and everything else. If a house is bad, they should steer you away from it instead of just trying to make the sale. Sometimes our realtor would drive up to a house, take a look at the neighbors, and say “nope”, and she wouldn’t even bother taking us inside. It was so reassuring to know I had someone looking out for us as new house hunters.

      Good luck!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Your realtor reminds me of an established* realtor that handled a house for a family member. I really did not see her do anything, her assistant seemed to do everything. In the end, I was the one who located a buyer for the house. She said, “You’re not going to cut me out of my commission.” I said, “Nope. You’ll get paid.”

      I say established because I am lacking a better word. She had been in the biz a while, she had made her money. In some ways, it was just another house to her. She could no longer go up and down stairs her assistant did all that work. too.
      This sounds like what you have.

      Twenty something years ago, my husband and I did fly solo to buy a house. I did not think it was that awful. But my husband and I knew a little bit about houses and we were both observant—okay, nitpicky— people. HOWEVER, for our price range we were not looking at mansions. We were deciding between which headache we wanted to buy, the house would need help and we were just choosing which set of problems we would take on.

      I would not recommend this to someone buying a medium priced or expensive house. And I will say that many realtors we talked to complained that we did not have a realtor. A couple quick thinking realtors tried to adopt us as their customers. I liked them.
      I tend to like to talk directly with people. We ended up talking things through with the sellers directly. No major problems. Because, this goes back to the house was a modest house, we had no grand expectations and neither did the owners.
      I was surprised by how rude some of the seller’s realtors were. And I was surprised by how many confidences those realtors were willing to break. I learned way too much about the sellers for some of the homes we saw.

      1. sprinkles!*

        All of this. My now – former realtor has been working for several years and is established. I thought this would be an advantage because she would know the process well. But I’m seeing now that maybe it isn’t a great idea.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          The realtor who represented the sellers of our house turned out to be the best realtor we talked to. She totally protected her sellers interests and was very professional. She even went as far as telling us that it was awkward to speak with us directly, it would be better if we had our own representative.
          We were young and kind of cocky, so we felt, “get over it”. Real estate is a tough, tough business. I think if a person stays in it for any length of time they learn to harden up and just focus on where they can make immediate sales. Of the few people that adopted us, they showed us a few houses that were not even close to what we wanted. It was like they could not hear “it has to have a garage”, etc. For the price range we were looking at, they were not highly motivated to help us for any length of time.
          Happy ending- we found a house that was perfect for us. Even now, I get comments about having a house that has a logical layout and easy to live in. It all landed well.

    9. Katie the Fed*

      Don’t fly solo! It costs you nothing to have a buyer’s agent. Get a better one – and tell yours that you’re moving on. Did you sign a contract? Some of them can be REALLY aggressive about staying in touch unless you clearly tell them you don’t want their services.

      I had an awful buyer’s agent once. I should have known there was a problem when she saw me and said “Katie! You’ve gained so much weight!” and then she just constantly put her foot in her mouth and said unintentionally insulting things like that to potential sellers. She was so cringeworthy.

      1. sprinkles!*

        That is so terrible! I would have been inclined to dismiss them immediately. :(

        Luckily, it appears I didn’t sign a contract. And *strangely* enough, I haven’t heard a peep from her or her staff since I let her go.

        1. Windchime*

          Ugh, a realtor can make all the difference in the world. When I was house shopping in my current town, I saw a house I really liked (from the outside) , so I called the agent whose name was listed on the sign. She turned out to be really, really strange. We drove around one day looking at listings but she was just so weird that I wanted the day to be over. One of the places we went was a new building site and there was a site agent there who was organized, professional and seemed to know her business. I dumped the weird lady, called the organized, professional agent and she ultimately helped me find the home I live in now.

          Things she did for me:
          –Took my list of “wants” and “needs” and found me listings within my price range that fit my list.
          –Arranged for me to tour a home that was not for sale, but had the same layout to a home that was under construction so I could envision how it would look once completed.
          –Gave me good advice about neighborhoods since I was new to the area. Things like, “There is a fire station around the corner–might be noisy”. Or “The builder has defaulted and we don’t know when that home will be completed, if ever”.
          –Took care of ALL the arrangements and paperwork when I found my home. Worked with the finance guy when there was a problem. Advised me on negotiation tactics. Cut through the crap with skill and ease.

          Seriously. Dump your agent if they’re not actively helping you.

    10. Mkb*

      In my experience, I’d try to find someone who is new to real estate and is able to put in the time with you. I find most of the newbies to be way more motivated and accomodating.

      the more experienced realtors I’ve worked with seem like they’d rather work with sellers, not buyers. Just my opinion though!

    11. Nancypie*

      I had doubts about our realtor when we last sold/bought. But when we were under contract, the realtor was awesome at negotiating, resolving issues, keeping our buyers’ and sellers’ realtors on track. And in my mind, that was the important part (well-also getting up buyers, which came from another agency).

      I found the houses I was interested in in on the realtor dot com site, which saved me a lot of time in going to see places I wasn’t interested in. And I preferred using my own car because I could drive around the neighborhood without wasting the realtors time.

    12. lfi*

      We had a bad realtor when we put a bid on our first house. I reached out to them based on a rec from my MIL (heh) and much like you I did all the work.

      The day that we put in an offer everything that could’ve gone wrong did. They put the wrong house address on the bid documents (wtf), and sent the documents via docusign to the wrong email address multiple times. I was docusigning items on the bus from my phone 10 minutes before they went in to present our bid.

      After many tears, a few grey hairs and a lack of patience we stopped using them and ended up finding a specialist in the area we wanted (which led us to our house). Check yelp reviews, and if you use nextdoor I’d recommend posting there.

  19. Treena*

    I definitely do! Usually send out between 40-60 and usually get 25-35. My family does them, and almost none of my friends do, so that’s usually where the discrepancy is.

  20. Wendy Darling*

    Back before I left academia my crazy, abusive PI promised me and several other people co-authorship of a paper. It’s a writeup of a grant-funded study for which we did basically all the work — she designed the study but it was executed entirely by grad students, all data analysis was done by grad students, and I wrote an entire section of the paper for her like 5 years ago.

    She finally got around to publishing it this year in a very prestigious journal… with herself as the sole author.

    I’ve been out of academia for 3+ years and have no plans to go back but I’m still livid. As her research assistant I was treated so poorly I needed therapy after and was forced out when I started to crack from the unreasonable conditions. It was so horrible I gave up on academia 3 years ago, but she still had to get this one last jab in, didn’t she.

    1. Aussie Teacher*

      Contact the journal in question! Forward any emails/proof regarding the promised authorship credit! Totally unacceptable – I’m seething for you. She sounds crazy so I wouldn’t start with her, but go straight to the journal and speak to them about it.

      1. Fifer*

        Seconded – and your old department, they should take this very seriously if Grad students work was involved.

      2. AcidMeFlux*

        Ditto. Respectable journals don’t like to be punked by anybody. Their own reputations to protect. Be detailed, respectful, and give as much proof as you can get your hands on.

      3. Sunflower*

        Yeah! I’m not in academia but I imagine this has gotta be some serious stuff, esp for the university. What about the other people? I bet they probably are not happy either and if they are still in academia it’s probably a BFD for them

      4. Wendy Darling*

        Authorship is less of a Big Damn Deal in this field than some, and I doubt I still have any emails discussing authorship in any case as it was five years ago using a now-defunct university email address.

        If I was planning to go back into academia, like, ever I would probably raise a stink about it but at this point it’s not worth the inevitable giant drama explosion. I only found out about it because I was googling myself (I’m applying for jobs, so… routine check) and it turned up on page 5 because she credited me and the other grad students as ‘contributing to a previous version of this paper’ in a footnote.

        This lady is so toxic that only one of ~six people I worked with on this grant are even still in the field at all. The rest of us left academia entirely.

    2. Not Karen*

      Yep, that’s academia for you. I was just talking to a coworker about how we’ll often get to the publication stage of a project we’re highly involved in, and suddenly the authorship list is made up of 10 people we’ve never even heard of.

    3. Sophia in the DMV*

      Sometimes grad students are either paid for their work or given coauthorship, not both

      1. Wendy Darling*

        I wouldn’t have a problem with it if she hadn’t explicitly told me I (and several other people) would be given coauthorship. I was paid when I was her research assistant, but I also later wrote a section of the paper for her (I don’t have journal access so can’t see if she used it and I wrote it 5 years ago so I might not recognize it if I saw it) when I was not being paid.

  21. Diluted_TortoiseShell*

    Ugh. I feel like I am watching everything I loved about my Alma Mater get destroyed. : <

    2. Emily*

      I don’t know what your Alma Mater is, but mine is going through some rough patches (mostly, the students’ relations with the campus police has gone really far downhill) as well.

    3. Diluted_TortoiseShell*

      Mine is making changes that will make it much harder for rural, poor students like me to get into the schools. I did really well there and I’m disappointed at the barriers they are throwing up for students like this based solely on “convenience” to them. : <

    4. Sunflower*

      I’m so sorry :( I am a Penn State alum and everything that happened a few years ago was absolutely devastating. Even though I(and really a lot of our alumni) have such strong ties to the school, it affected me much more than I thought it ever would and it was a really hard time in my life. Hope things get better

  22. Not My Usual Name*

    Does anyone else hate being touched unexpectedly? I find myself pulling away or shouting “Get Off!” when somebody tries to put their hand on my shoulder/arm when I am not expecting it. I am talking about situations with almost strangers (e.g. people in a dance class).

    3. QualityControlFreak*

      Heh. Yup. Even my CQC instructor would give notice; “I’m going to invade your space now” when moving in to put me in a chokehold. Safety first. But he knew me very well.

      1. Hattie McDoogal*

        Ha! I do Brazilian jiu-jitsu and I’m okay with people touching me in that context (I have to be as it’s a pretty hands-on martial art) but even my classmates touching me in non-fighty ways bugs me. Once I was sparring with a classmate and he hurt me in some way he didn’t mean to and put a hand reassuringly on my arm all, “OMG, are you okay?” And I had been totally fine with him trying to choke me out/dislocate my shoulder/throw me to the ground, but that hand on my arm *really* bugged.

    4. Allison Mary*

      YES, I’m exactly the same way!

      Until I got involved with a local community of, shall we say, an “adult” nature, I always tolerated this uncomfortably. Since getting involved with this “adult” community, however, I’ve become a huge champion of consensual touch ONLY and have become much more comfortable with vocalizing my boundaries.

      Lots of people still touch me on the arm/shoulder/back without asking, and when that happens, I usually remove their hand with my own hand, and say (politely and in a non-combative way), “I actually don’t like to be touched without having been asked first.” I don’t get mad the first time, because with lots of people, being touched and touching like that is a perfectly acceptable normal practice, and usually the person touching is simply trying to facilitate genuine connection. But, if people like me don’t speak up and tell them that we’re uncomfortable with it, they’re going to continue believing that it’s acceptable to everyone.

      1. Christy*

        Should you happen to write about your experiences in that community, I’m sure several of us would read with interest

        1. Allison Mary*

          Heh – I’d be perfectly willing to share about those experiences if people are curious (especially in regards to how it has affected my confidence in vocalizing my own boundaries), but the topic is of such an adult nature that I really feel like I’d need Alison’s go-ahead before going there. :)

      2. super anon*

        i have a coworker that loves to grab my hand to look at my nails, or touch my hair, clothes etc. i’m definitely borrowing your wording to use the next time she does it. ty!

    5. anonanonanon*

      Yes. I usually jerk away which leads to an awkward moment. It’s worse when someone touches me unexpectedly and they’re not in my line of visions because the fight part of fight or flight nature takes control and I’ve accidentally elbowed or pushed people because I’m so startled.

      I usually just tell people I prefer not to be touched and though most people are surprised about it, they listen. I’ve only had two times where someone forced a hug on me because apparently those two people didn’t understand that not everyone wants a hug when they’re upset and that not everyone needs to hug people they just met goodbye.

    6. Wendy Darling*

      My startle reflex involves fists swinging. Touching me when I can’t tell you’re about to do it ends badly for everybody. :(

      I don’t like being touched by people I don’t know well, though, even if it doesn’t startle me. Usually if I see it coming I will quietly avoid it.

    7. OK*

      “RESPECT THE BUBBLESPACE, PEOPLE!!!”

      I dont care about casual touches. But man, trying to teach kinders to keep their hands to themselves is like herding kittens high on catnip.

    8. A.J.*

      Yes, most definitely hate it! I have told this story here a few weeks ago but its definitely relevant here. I went for an interview at what was originally my top choice company (a medium sized startup). During the onsite interview the company’s HR recruiter gave me a tour of the office. Throughout the tour she kept patting me on the shoulder and touching my back. It made me so uncomfortable and really threw me off my interview focus. And she kept doing it all day long after each interview when she would bring me to the next meeting. At the end of the interview she went in for a hug when I was going for a hand shake. I was stunned and horrified and I just froze up– it was just so awkward and unexpected. ugh… just. nope.

      1. Not My Usual Name*

        Thank you people for proving that I am not completely bonkers!

        What really annoyed me was somebody asking me if I wanted a drink. Quite why they felt the need to grip my shoulder in order to do so, I have no idea.

    9. Ruth (UK)*

      I dislike being touched unexpectedly in situations with strangers or almost-strangers except, actually, in the one example you gave: dance class.

      I do a lot of dance… which is almost an understatement for me (I do 5 different styles of dance, mostly folk/traditional and have class/practice 5 days a week). Anyway, if you’re doing something like ballet, I think it’s almost impossible to cope with if you feel that way about touching. Tap… I think it’s rare for unexpected touching to occur, but it does happen. In folk/traditional styles I do, it varies. Some of them include partnering people and linking arms, hand-holding, etc (in one style ‘belly swing’ is a common move, where you effectively one-arm hug your partner around the front and middle, and swing with them in a circle). One person who teaches dances for that can be a bit of a pusher-shover when she sees someone lost in a dance.

      I also used to play a good deal of rugby in which obviously grabbing and close contact among team-mates in a match/practice is going to be common.

      On the other hand, I find physical contact with strangers or unexpectedly to be awful and awkward outside of these types of contexts. I think I kind of separate it into “this is necessary and for a reason” and “why are they touching me?”

  23. Sunflower*

    I made soup for the first time ever- Chicken Tortilla. I followed the Firebird restaurant recipe(apparently they have great soup). So the soup isn’t bad but it just tastes really bland and doesn’t have any flavor. It kind of just tastes like pureed tomatoes.

    What can I add/do to fix this! I made a large batch(8 qts) with the intention of freezing it. I’m thinking the basics of adding more salt/pepper and garlic but what else?

    1. Diluted_TortoiseShell*

      Jalepenoes.
      Chicken or pork stock (reduced sodium if you can).
      Cumin.
      Chives.

      These are your chicken tortilla friends.

      1. AcidMeFlux*

        And don’t just throw it all in the crock pot or whatever you cook in. The base vegetables in any dish (say, a sofrito) need to be sauteèd a good bit before you put in the major ingredients:. That really deepens the general flavor.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Lime juice. Acid really helps pick up the flavor of any dish. Tomatoes are acidic, sure, but try some lime. Roast or saute that garlic before you add it.

      1. fposte*

        Yup–totally agree on the lime. And similarly to the garlic–if you’re adding more ground spices, bloom them first by sautéeing them in a bit of oil.

    3. danr*

      Or, freeze what you have in one pot batches and adjust the flavorings for each pot. That way you’ll get experience for what works. Generally a bland soup will need some salt and pepper to start. Add the additional bits slowly, stir, cook a bit and taste before adding more.

    4. Former Diet Coke Addict*

      To fix your existing batch, I’d add a variety of spices (salt, pepper, garlic, cumin, paprika, onion or garlic powder, chili powder, cayenne) slowly, tasting all the while, and then continue to simmer it for a few hours to deepen the flavour.

      In the future, when you do a tortilla soup, do you just plunk everything in there together? I’d start by sauteeing onion and peppers together (and garlic if you want) until soft, then adding in your spices and toasting those in there as well for a minute or two, and then adding your cornmeal or masa harina and sauteeing that for a bit until it’s nice and toasty. Then I’d start plunking in your liquids. Did you use water, or broth? (I use veggie or chicken broth in mine.) Broth will give more flavour as well. Add in your other ingredients (chicken, black beans, other veggies, whatever) and simmer for at least a half hour, an hour is better. I like to add lime at the end for zest. You can also try marinating your chicken before you put it in, maybe in a lime marinade or something else, to boost flavour more.

    5. fposte*

      I’d also say that anything promoted as “X restaurant recipe” almost certainly is a modification at best and sometimes just a vague approximation. They can still be really nice recipes, but I wouldn’t expect the same level of quality.

    6. Gene*

      I agree with the suggestion for a bit of acid. Also, instead of salt, get a small jar of chicken base. Add a bit, simmer a little while, repeat as needed.

    7. Blue_eyes*

      It could need any number of things. Take out a small amount at a time and add a little salt, if that tastes better, add more salt to the pot. Repeat with lime juice or vinegar. Probably 90% of bland food can be solved with salt and/or an acid “brightener.”

      1. Alma*

        My go-to ingredients when a culinary creation tastes like it needs something:

        Lemon or lime juice, fresh (added at serving time) – this brightens the taste, but also is aromatic, and can mimic a salty taste

        Low-sodium Worcestershire sauce (nice umami)
        Toasted sesame oil
        Tamari sauce (I prefer it to soy sauce)
        A little bit more minced garlic
        Fish sauce – but you will need to use equal parts fish sauce and sweetener

        Very finely shredded carrots (for natural sweetness, instead of adding sugar to spaghetti sauce, for example)
        Use sweet onions instead of regular onions

        Remember that some flavors are conveyed better in acid, others in oil. If you are cutting way back on oil, a bit of healthy(er) oil may work wonders

    8. Nye*

      Salt is a great place to start – maybe it’s underseasoned? After that I’d try adding acid for brightness – fresh lime juice would probably be nice in tortilla soup. Serve it with a healthy sprinkle of fresh cilantro (if you like it), to add a fresh flavor. And if you’re into spicy food, plus it up with some more chili/chipotle/etc of your choice.

      I’d recommend doing a “test bowl” before doctoring the whole pot, especially when salt/heat are concerned, in case you overcorrect. Good luck!

    9. Sunflower*

      THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! So my big mistake was I skipped the cumin because I didn’t have any and thought maybe i could get away without it but seems like not! I also added a fresh squeezed lime, a bunch of cilantro, and sauteed some more garlic and bell peppers. Added some more salt and pepper and now its perfect! You guys are awesome!

  24. K.*

    This has been a really hard year. One of my dear friends lost his father suddenly, I’ve been laid off for months, I lost my last grandparent, and I had a romantic relationship end. (I met the guy early in the year so meeting and falling for him is at least one good thing that happened, even if it didn’t last.) I’m also feeling down about the state of the country – seeing two mass shootings in one week took a toll on me. I am trying not to wallow and to take care of myself – exercise, spending time with loved ones, cooking and eating healthy, nourishing food … but sometimes it’s hard for me to keep going.

    Any suggestions for how to get out of a depressive rut? I’ve been in therapy before and might look into it again; not sure what my health insurance covers though.

    1. Fish Microwaver*

      It sounds like you are trying to get out of the rut and looking after yourself. Sometimes a bit of quiet down time is needed to process what has happened and to see the way forward. Be kind to yourself and don’t be too impatient. I hope you feel better soon.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Cut down on how much news you take in. We don’t even realize how much we listen to news all day. It’s on the radio while we eat breakfast and drive to work. Then we check the news during the day. Then come home and watch more news while fixing dinner. (How we digest our meals is beyond me.)
      This year I am looking into a SAD lamp and I am already pumping the vitamin D. I don’t like winter, it tends to be a downer for me. So rather than wait for “it” to hit, I started making changes now.

      This may or may not be a thing for you, but when I hear the news for the day, I have found the only thing I can do is pray.

      1. schnapps*

        This. Definitely. I am in a way better mood when I listen to an audiobook or a podcast instead of the news on my way to and from work. I’ll flip on the radio to check the traffic, but that’s it. It’s part of my job to stay on top of local news at work, but aside from that I ignore it as much as possible. I read fiction books only (okay, kind of violent fiction, but it works!)

        Prayer or meditation might help too – my personal version of meditation is to be left alone in a dark room for 20 minutes. I lay down in savasana and just let my mind float. Or if I have the cash, I’ll go for a float in a float tank/pod.

    3. FutureLibrarian*

      My year has been…a challenge. Not necessarily in bad ways, but just challenges that have often left me in a funk. Here are some of the steps I’ve taken:

      1.) Unfriend or un-follow any negative people on Facebook and other social media sites.

      2.) Remove any news stations from your Facebook and other social media websites.

      3.) Eat something unhealthy sometimes too.

      4.) Buy yourself some candles, bubble bath, and a book or magazine, and sit in the tub until you’re wrinkled.

      5.) Read articles on Tiny Buddha (positive thinking/meditative thinking/introspective website).

      6.) Watch YouTube videos of adorable kittens and puppies.

      And finally, the most important step: allow yourself time to grieve. Do not push yourself to feel better immediately, or follow a timeline that others have created. Cry when you want to cry, laugh when you’re ready to laugh. But do it on your own time.

      1. K.*

        Ha – there’s a YouTube video of Bernese Mountain Dog puppies playing that I watch regularly, and another of German Shepherd puppies. (One of them runs into the leg of a chair, it’s adorable.)

        Thank you, these are good suggestions, particularly allowing myself time to grieve. I am not always so good at asking for help or acknowledging that I’m not OK, and I’ve been trying to be better at it – answering “Not so great” rather than “I’m fine” when people ask me how I am is a good start, I think.

        1. fposte*

          In the first few weeks after my back surgery, I deliberately looked at Daily Squee every evening just before bed. Even stuff that would have been too cutesy when I was feeling well was deeply welcome.

    4. Good helper*

      I highly recommend the book The Mindful Way Through Depression–I think it is really down-to-earth useful advice for dealing with negative emotions even if you aren’t depressed. It comes with a CD of guided meditations. My public library has it.

      The authors do say it might be hard to read/implement if you are in a really severe depression, in which case it is better to wait until you are somewhat better and then try to learn the techniques to have on hand for future. But it sounds like you are doing good self-care and functioning pretty well, so I bet you’d be able to benefit.

      Definitely keep up what you are doing, especially the exercise. I agree with the suggestions to not be impatient and to reduce your news consumption. And yes, therapy if you can afford it and find a good therapist. Good luck!

  25. Marcela*

    I need advice from cat parents, please.

    We adopted a 2 1/2 years old cat one year ago, Curu. When we got him from the county shelter, he was not in a cage but free in the room where the cages are. Shelter personal told us he cried to much they had to let him free. He is a picky eater and that caused a lot of stress in the first months, when every change or disturbance (such as going to the vet) would cause him to stop eating anything, except whiskas temptations (he is very smart, don’t you think?). By now we are a happy family and he is very affectionate, sleeping next or on top of us all the time.

    In a couple of weeks we have to go out of town for 10 days. And we don’t know what to do. On one side, we could hire a catsitter again, as we did for two days last November, with great results. But our son eats canned tuna, so he needs at least 2 visits per day, i.e. $50 per day. In 10 days, that’s a fortune. For his behavior in the shelter, we know a cat boarding hotel is not an option.

    On the other side, some friends offered us to host him those days. But I am worried about the trip, first, since he truly hates the car movements. He is a great cat for houses not used to pets, since he is very quiet, not requiring much play time or attention, and he doesn’t do mischief. But he isn’t very good with change, as most cats, and I worry moving out for 10 days is going to be too much. And, is he going to know he is not being abandoned again?

    So, I’m not sure what I’m asking from you, I guess some perspective and/or anecdotes about what you did with your cats in situations like mine. Do you think they can cope without big issues?

    1. Cruciatus*

      Do you have neighbors you trust? A neighbor with a responsible teen who could use a few more bucks around the holidays? It’d be easy for them to come over at least 2 times a day at maybe $10 a day or something. Maybe instead of your friends hosting they could come a few times to check up on things. Maybe a sibling or niece who would find it fun to house sit?

      2. AcidMeFlux*

        Yes. A responsible housesitter who can be there every day and play and pet the cat. I don’t know if this works for where you live, but for example college students who can’t go home for the holidays and don’t want to stay in the dorm often housesit. See if there’s some online source near you. My cat deals better with a steady babysitter than having someone in and out a couple times a day to leave food.

      3. Marcela*

        I have one neighbors we trust, but they are an older couple and I guess they’ll feel forced to help us. I don’t really know my other neighbors to ask for favours like this :( And our friends live 1:30 hours from us. One of them works with my husband (he has a terrible commute), but many times he doesn’t come to the office, so it’s not like he has a stable schedule. Finally, we are foreigners: we don’t have family here… :(

        1. Cruciatus*

          I wouldn’t discount the neighbors if you’re friendly with them and think you could trust them. Make it sound like it’s not a big deal if they say no but you’re asking because you trust them. Perhaps it would be something easy they could add into their day. And say you could pay $X per day or $XY for the whole 10 days or whatever. This could be an easy solution to your problem.

    2. Diluted_TortoiseShell*

      10 days is a while, so I understand your concern. Do you have any friends they are familiar with who can feed them once a day and play? I can of tuna put out at night will be plenty of food for the day. A friend that is familiar and has been over before will be less stressful and staying in their own territory will be less stress than taking them with you.

    3. Ellen*

      He could probably be fed once per day, at twice his normal amount (essentially combining two feedings into one). If he’s anything like my cat, he’ll eat it all quickly enough that it won’t go bad. That’s probably not idea, but would at least cut down on the cost.

    4. Allison Mary*

      I know you didn’t ask for feedback or opinions on this, so this is absolutely none of my business – but if you feel like indulging me, I’d like to clarify something.

      Does your cat’s entire diet consist of canned tuna? Does he get fed anything else?

      1. Marcela*

        He eats mostly canned tuna (Trader Joe’s one). After several cats dying from renal problems, which my then vet told me were probably caused by dry food, we decided to give him only wet food, and the only one he liked was “tuna for cats”. Our current vet approved this diet.

        But while we were desperately trying to find something he would eat (for he doesn’t eat raw or cooked meat or chicken or ham or anything a normal cat would eat), we contacted his former owner who said he ate catshow indoor. The first night we made the mistake of offering him whiskas temptations, only to discover that was the only thing he wanted to eat, and we thought perhaps that was because he missed the dry food he was used to eat. So now I’d say he eats 3/4 of his daily food as wet food, and the other quarter in catshow.

        1. knitchic79*

          I’m on team neighbor checking in. Our cat is a total spaz…really can’t take cat trips or cages, we have a couple of neighbors more than willing to open a can of food and dole out pets. So much cheaper since they are already right there and the cat is familiar enough to not get too freaked out. We still get the silent treatment when we get home, but she rebounds pretty quick.
          Lol last time was great…kitty leapt into my arms gave me an “I missed you so!” meow and nuzzle, then pulled back howled hate at me and jumped down. She loves temptations treats too so I bribed her back into my good graces. Ahhh cats

        2. Allison Mary*

          Ah, okay – I had read your original post as possibly saying that your cat was only eating human, canned tuna, and I was thinking if that were the case, he’d probably be missing out on lots of crucial nutrients for cats that wouldn’t be in just straight canned tuna. But what you’re describing sounds much more species-appropriate than what I was picturing in my head. :)

          So onto the topic of your original post, then – I can relate to the challenge you’re facing, because our cats get fed a wet, homemade concoction, twice daily, so they really need somebody to come feed them when we’re out of town (which isn’t too often, thankfully). What we’ve been doing is making friends with at least three or four nearby neighbors (we live in an apartment building, so this is fairly easy), and because they’re so close to us in terms of physical location, we’ve usually been able to find at least one neighbor who is happily willing to come feed our cats while we’re gone. I’ve had a harder time finding people to come cat-sit for us when we’re asking them to come all the way across town, twice daily.

          Would something similar to that be at all viable for you guys?

          1. Marcela*

            Ah, ok. I suspected as much, so I was more explicit this time :) Was I wrong about using “canned tuna” to explain what he eats? I mean, is there a proper name for tuna for cats?

            Uf, I guess our main problem is that we are feeding him 4 times a day. Curu eats just a bit every time, and Hubby worries the tuna will spoil after many hours out, so he eats as many times as we do. An automatic feeder gives him food at midday, since he is usually alone then, but in any case that’s 3 times a day, that we hope we can reduce to twice a day if the catsitter is coming.

            I guess I’ll ask my neighbors if they are willing to feed him. After all, I’ll be asking them to turn on the outside lights so the house doesn’t look all alone (inside we have light timers). Luckily our son is not afraid of people, and spends a lot of time trying to seduce every visitor we have, even my FIL who doesn’t like cats at all.

            1. Allison Mary*

              Worrying about the food spoiling is definitely a legitimate concern – we feed our cats a homemade raw food, and we have to manage the same thing.

              I think most cats can be transitioned to a regular, twice daily feeding schedule. We had a little bit of a struggle with our cats, too – they wouldn’t finish all of their food in two meals. But because we were worrying about them going hungry, we’d keep putting their food back out later (between official meal times) – but this was counterproductive to getting them switched to two meals per day.

              If you put their food out for limited times (like 15-30 minutes, per meal) and then take the food away until the next meal time, and repeat the same routine – I bet you could get your cats easily switched to two meals per day, and they’d eat up all of their food. It might take a few days for them to figure out the new routine, but I bet you could do it, if it would help with the whole vacation issue. :)

              1. Marcela*

                Yeah, we did that too: putting his food in the fridge as soon as he stopped eating, and getting it back every time he asked. I had to stop that since sometimes it seemed he would ask for food just to show us he was the boss, because he didn’t even touch it :D

    5. Sparrow*

      Does your neighborhood have a Next Door site? You could post something there in case there are any people in the neighborhood who would be willing to stop by. Like other people mentioned, is it possible to have the sitter stop by once a day? Or can you get quotes from other sitters who might be less expensive?

      We have three cats who usually get fed wet food in the morning and evening. When we are out of town, we have someone stop by once a day. They each get one can of food and some dry kibble.

      One of our cats is very close to us, and when we were gone for 10 days in the summer our sitter did report that she didn’t eat much and seemed a bit agitated – meowing and pacing around a lot. I felt bad, but she got settled quickly once we got home.

    6. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Can you do a test run with the friends who offered to host him? It might take at least 2 days for him to calm down from the change, but I can’t see pushing it past 3 or 4 days for a test.

    7. non-profit manager*

      My male cat with issues eats commercial raw, so I understand where you’re coming from. And he is so afraid of strangers, I know he would not come out to eat for a pet sitter, so we have to board him. It’s not ideal, but I know he eats, the raw food is not out for hours, and they keep an eye on him.

      If my cat ate only canned cat food, I would hire a pet sitter to come by once per day. Especially in the winter, when the inside of the house tends to be cooler. You can purchase automatic pet feeders with ice packs (check CatMate for examples – I have the C20 and the C50 and both work well) and I would have the pet sitter fill the feeder each day and set it to open 12 hours later. And feed the cat, scoop the litter, play with him, etc at the same time.

    8. Num Lock*

      I adopted an older shelter car. His big issue was morbid obesity, but he was losing 1 lb/week at the shelter because of the stress. He gets three small meals a day, so I can’t really ask a friend to come over that often and I can’t afford a pet sitter. I had a lot of reservations about boarding him, but it’s turned out to be fairly fine. I’ve always ended up boarding him at my vet’s office. It’s dirt cheap ($11 for overnight plus his special food) and I know that if he starts having trouble from not eating, he’s already where he needs to be (they’re a 24/7 emergency hospital, so someone is always around). I also know that he is getting fed the proper amount of food, since he’s lost 10 lbs and I refuse to let him backslide! I have one friend who probably would come over three times a day, but I can’t trust her judgement on proportions/things to feed a dieting cat.

      He typically loses about 1 lb whenever I board him for more than 2 – 3 days, however his appetite usually perks up at that point. Usually he comes home and is extra cuddly for a few days. Sometimes he’ll be “red” from stress for about 24 hours, but a little extra lap time fixes all. I think the first time I boarded him at all it was 10 days long, and I’d had him maybe 6 months. It took about a year for him to fully “relax” in my house though, so he may still be recovering from his previous experience and be more sensitive than he will be later.

  26. nep*

    Anyone out there have a good grasp on subsidies under the ACA?
    I’ve put my question to people at that marketplace 800 number — to no avail. Invariably they sound as if they’re simply reading from a script and not paying attention to my particular question.

    1. CAA*

      What’s the question? I’ve been studying up in hopeful preparation for an early retirement next year and have found a few good explanations of the cliff and calculating magi and so on. Let me know more about your specific situation and I’ll see if I can point you to anything relevant.

      1. nep*

        It’s tough to nail down what my income will be, as my hours vary and much of my income is commission-based. I’m right near the threshold — the higher estimate would have me eligible for subsidy, the lower would have me out of the Marketplace and on Medicaid.
        What are the ramifications if I estimate the higher and so buy a policy with help of the subsidy — but then earn the lower amount, which would have had me qualifying only for expanded Medicaid? Will I owe a percentage of the subsidy I received?
        (I will find out eventually, as this is what happened to me last year — my income turns out to be lower than I’d projected, but I had coverage through the Marketplace w a subsidy. But my income situation is similar and I’ve got to nail down what to do for 2016. I’d rather not go on Medicaid so I’m thinking of going high with my projection.)
        Gah — is my question clear?

        1. nep*

          (I’ve also been thinking, I should provide the high estimate and just do what I must to earn that much or more in the year.)

        2. katamia*

          Ugh, I sympathize. I’m in a similar position except I was and will be almost totally freelance rather than paid on commission. I’m sure I didn’t/won’t make enough money in either 2015 or 2016 and could have qualified for a subsidy, but I finally just gave up for 2015 and didn’t even bother when I signed up this year because there was no way I could prove my income.

          I really wish there were some way to do it after the fact to reflect what I actually earned rather than what I think I’m going to earn. If you’re a freelancer or even if you just work uneven hours (I’m thinking retail, where the hours seem to fluctuate a ton these days, but I’m sure there are other places too), sometimes you just can’t prove it other than knowing that, short of my selling multiple novels and screenplays in the following year (hah), I’m not going to be making a lot of money.

          1. nep*

            Thanks for sharing this. What do you mean, exactly — didn’t even bother when you signed up this year. Bother to project?
            If you don’t mind, did you end up qualifying for Medicaid (has your state opted-in / expanded Medicaid)?

            1. katamia*

              I didn’t even try to project my income. It wasn’t worth the energy, and I wouldn’t have had the documentation to prove it, so I just signed up for healthcare without providing any income at all.

              I think, numbers-wise, I probably would have qualified for Medicaid for 2015. However, my income this year has been weirder than I thought (started out freelancing/contracting, took a job overseas, had to quit for health reasons, now have to leave the country and come back to the US because I was here on a work visa, am unemployed now), so it’s hard to say.

              I never seriously considered trying to get Medicaid, though. I’ve heard enough horror stories and don’t want to deal with changing doctors just because the ones I like don’t see a lot of Medicaid patients. I have family who is willing and able to help me with healthcare costs and wanted the subsidies to reduce/eliminate what they would need to pay, but going on Medicaid would have caused more problems for me than it solved. *sigh*

              1. nep*

                Thanks for this. When you say ‘signed up for healthcare without providing any income at all’ — do you mean through the Marketplace or you just got a health insurance policy on your own? Reason I ask — I didn’t think it was possible to get anything through the Marketplace w/o providing an income. Thank you.

                1. katamia*

                  I don’t know what state you’re in (I was/will be in Maryland) and I don’t actually know if it varies by state, but I don’t think I needed to provide one last year when I signed up through Maryland Health Connection. (There were Issues because I was out of the country this year, so a family member wound up doing it–with my knowledge and consent–this year.) If I did provide any kind of income last year, I suspect what I did was just give a random number over the Medicaid and subsidy limit so they wouldn’t check.

        3. CAA*

          Yes, I understand your question. I actually have a very similar situation for next year where my taxable income on paper is going to be very tiny due to some weirdness with the timing of payments, so this is something I’ve looked into myself.

          What I’ve found is you will need to file form 8962 with your tax return for 2015. The IRS draft instructions for this situation on the 2015 form are the same as they were in 2014:

          You may qualify for the PTC if your household income is less than 100% of the Federal poverty line and you meet all of the following requirements.
          * You or an individual in your tax family enrolled in a qualified health plan through a Marketplace.
          * The Marketplace estimated at the time of your enrollment that your household income would be at least 100% but not more than 400% of the Federal poverty line for your family size for 2015.
          * APTC was paid for the coverage for one or more months during 2015.
          * You otherwise qualify as an applicable taxpayer (except for the Federal poverty line percentage).

          So basically, if the marketplace accepted your estimate of your income, and that estimate qualified you for a PTC (premium tax credit), but your actual income turned out to be too low to qualify, you don’t have to pay it back. Interestingly, this form only uses the FPL of $11,670 for a single person. It doesn’t even mention the minimum of $16,243 in states with expanded Medicaid.

          The real issue is whether the marketplace will let you keep estimating your income that high and whether they’ll eventually force you into Medicaid. Once you file your 2015 taxes that show you didn’t qualify, they may come back and ask for proof that your 2016 earnings will be high enough to qualify for the subsidy next year.

          1. nep*

            Thanks very much for this. Interesting, as you say, that the form does not mention that higher threshold in states w expanded Medicaid. If I understand correctly, this might be in my favour?
            I contacted the Marketplace a couple weeks ago and gave them a lower estimate — automatically made me eligible for Medicaid in my state. I received notice from the state days later. I *might* be getting a slight raise in the coming weeks and my commission potential is looking better than it was even a month ago, so I’m thinking of revising my projection and going for the subsidy again. Pondering all this.
            Ah, if only I could get insurance through my employer and not have to deal w all this.
            Appreciate your time.

  27. Doriana Gray*

    Okay, I’m on my iPhone and have always visited this site this way, but now I’m seeing ads on the page when I never did before. Any idea how to get rid of these things?

        1. Doriana Gray*

          First, I turned off the JavaScript on the phone, closed my browser, cleared the cookies, and then switched my search engine to Google. Then I turned the JavaScript back on, and that weirdly seems to have done the trick. For now anyway.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’m experimenting with some ad changes this month. For the last six months or so, there have been no ads on mobile at all, but I’m experimenting with what might work there since mobile users account for a large amount of traffic.

      I think everyone will hate them at first because it’s a change, but they should also be easy to scroll right past, so I would consider it a great favor if you’d live with them for a couple of weeks before deciding they’re intolerable (as I think people will get used to them, if history is any guide).

      1. Rena*

        I’ll give you the time, but I’m wary. I find this site already really unstable on my phone – it loads really slowly and the comments crash Chrome really frequently – I can’t see how adding giant ads will improve an already tenuous mobile experience.

        1. Mando Diao*

          Alison undoubtedly makes more money with her current ad providers than she would with others, but I’ve also never encountered as many ad problems anywhere else. Every day or so there’s some kind of commentary on difficult ads, and I never see that happening on any other site. Not my business, but as a observer, it’s odd to me.

      2. in search of an ad blocker*

        People can get used to just about anything. That doesn’t make it good. I’d expect a higher bar from you. These ads make your site look cheap and tacky.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          The content here is and will remain free to you, but there are going to be ads supporting it and some of them will probably be more noticeable than what’s traditionally been on the site, because ad conventions are changing and the site needs to produce revenue. I appreciate the feedback here, but I’d also appreciate people keeping that reality in mind.

          1. Sara*

            I’m not finding them too bad (I mostly visit on my iPad). They show up above the comments for me, but the screen position adjusts so I can’t really see much of them. I accidentally clicked a few times while trying to collapse or expand the comments, but now I’ve learned how the page adjusts.

          2. Lore*

            No argument with any of your points but I agree with others who’ve said I’ve never experienced as many issues with ads on any other blog I read regularly. I don’t know if you use a different network or your site is built differently but there do seen to be more issues. The labor involved in switching may be more than is practical or financially feasible and I totally get that but if there’s any way to investigate what other sites do to manage these issues I know I (and I bet others) would be happy to do some of the research to improve the user experience here.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              So, this is a constant struggle for me, because frankly I feel the same (that there are more issues here). But my ad company — who truly seem like credible, smart people who aren’t just trying to make a quick buck but genuinely want bloggers to have good experiences with them — tells me that the issues aren’t worse here, but it ends up seeming that way because (a) this is a highly-trafficked blog with an unusually high number of regular commenters, (b) many readers tend to spend lots of time on this site and return to it multiple times a day, (c) those things both mean that there are more chances for people to notice and speak up about problems when they occur, (d) regular commenters here feel a connection to the site that makes them vocal when there are issues, which isn’t always the case with other sites, and (e) the vast majority of regular readers aren’t having issues.

              I think there’s lots of truth to that assessment, and I haven’t been able to find anyone who’s able to look at the set-up and tell me that there’s more going on (and I’ve tried). But I’m open to suggestions for how I might be able to get a more certain answer on that, because at this point I genuinely don’t know what else to try. I’d like to believe that explanation is right because that would be the easiest path here, but I really don’t know for sure.

              1. Lore*

                Would your ad network be willing to put you in touch with some of the other relatively high-traffic sites they manage, and see if they’re having similar experiences? (Which I realize doesn’t give you a solution, but if other sites managed by the same network aren’t seeing the problems, it does tend to support their theory that it’s a unique convergence of factors here and not something they could be doing differently…)

                1. Lore*

                  Also, I feel like you have an unusually high number of ads that redirect to the App Store–which on any mobile device is kicking you out of the browser entirely. Maybe it would be possible to request a smaller percentage of ads for apps in favor of ads for products/websites that if they redirect/pop up you’re in a new tab rather than immediately about to purchase an app?

              2. Mando Diao*

                I’m going to be honest: I don’t think they’re telling you the truth. I read blogs and sites with, frankly, higher traffic, more commenters, larger comments sections, and writers who also engender personal connections with readers, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single “Hey, what’s up with the ads?” comment on any of those sites.

                If it’s how your company has to operate to pay you more, then that’s the answer. But the answer they’re giving you now is a lie.

                2. Lore*

                  Gem, I think that up until quite recently, mobile ads have been turned off entirely due to some issues a while back. So you wouldn’t have had problems on a phone for sure!

  28. Fish Microwaver*

    I’d like to hear from readers about Uber. Share your opinions on the whole ride sharing concept and your experiences as a rider or driver.

    1. Noah*

      I use both Uber and Lyft all the time. Way better than a taxi because you know where they are and when they’re going to show up. The prices are normally better too.

      Anecdotally, I’ve never had a creepy experience with a driver, but I’m also a 6’2″ man, so maybe that makes a difference.

      I wonder how the drivers make any money by the time gas and wear and tear is factored in.

      1. SL #2*

        I always like to ask “how do you like driving” when I’m in an Uber; the answer tends to vary. I chatted with a couple of long-time drivers who agreed that they make less now that fares are lower, but also, the popularity of the services have soared so they get more riders now, so sometimes it does come out even to what it used to be.

        I imagine that now that gas is much cheaper than it was in the summer (I live in CA and prices have gone down an average of $2 here), it’s easier to make a profit.

      2. Dan*

        I wonder too about the financials, but I don’t worry about it. How someone makes a living is their business — and TBH, I’m a firm believer in the “market”, meaning if Uber drivers don’t make enough to drive, they’ll stop driving. Then prices go up.

        1. Noah*

          Oh I don’t really worry about it either. If they want to lose money in the end to make a bit now that is their problem not mine.

      3. Stephanie*

        I wonder how the drivers make any money by the time gas and wear and tear is factored in.

        I’ve heard mixed things. I’d imagine it’s like a lot of independent contracting situations. I know there’s some dissent growing. I looked into doing Lyft briefly and the numbers weren’t in my favor (for one thing, I’d have to up the limits on my insurance policy).

    2. E*

      In my early 20s and use both services regularly, though I use Uber as the default unless Lyft is running a sale (which they sometimes do). Infinitely better than a taxi because it is very hard to get a cab in my neighborhood in Chicago, and I can get an Uber easily (and you can see how far away they are, when they’re getting there etc). It’s also substantially cheaper, which is the primary reason I don’t take cabs. Only one creepy driver experience – he asked to follow me on social media. I ranked him zero stars and Uber gave me the ride for free, so I was satisfied with the response.

      1. salad fingers*

        Yeah, I’m in the same boat. I live in a cab desert in Chicago and much prefer Uber to calling a cab company and waiting a half an hour for them to find someone to send over.

        On the other hand, I’ll almost always grab a cab if I’m in my work area (Gold Coast) because they’re everywhere and I actually kind of prefer cabs, but only Uber in my neighborhood. I even Ubered myself to the emergency room at like 3am when I had appendicitis :-)

    3. Sunflower*

      UberX(Uber black cars are totally different) /Lyft can be good or bad. I’m just a rider, not a driver.

      Good
      – Better than taxis for multiple reasons- order before hand, can track how close they are, cheaper, better/safer drivers(some keep water/snacks in their car), cars are better wel kept. Definitely a better experience than a taxi.
      – It makes it easier to get around in the burbs/areas where cabs aren’t common.

      Bad:
      – Even though the drivers are better, I still feel safer in taxis. I had a weird experience with an uber on a late Tuesday night where the driver accidentally canceled my trip 25 feet into it and I had to keep requesting. Then we took some weird route. Looking back, I should have just gotten out of the uber after the trip canceled. However, if I wasn’t in the uber alone, I probably would have felt differently.
      – It can be REALLY expensive. Of course, they have a fair estimator on there so it’s really on the passenger if you take an uber at 3x surge and then freak out when you get the receipt.
      – The model used to be good for drivers but it seems like uber keeps cutting fares and it’s not really beneficial for drivers anymore. Most articles I’ve read say it really beats your car up and it’s not really worth it for the money you make. I am wondering if Uber is now running on new drivers who haven’t yet realized they can’t make anything.

    4. Sparkly Librarian*

      I disapprove of Uber’s corporate policies, so I don’t use them, but have had only good experiences with Lyft. Being able to have a ride at short notice (often arriving in 5-10 minutes) has saved me a fair amount of time, stress, and physical discomfort. No rude drivers that I can recall, and plenty of them will drive quietly rather than chat, which is my preference. Carfare adds up, though! I have to watch myself. :)

      1. Fish Microwaver*

        So how are Uber and Lyft different in their corporate policies? I know a bit about Uber but next to nothing about Lyft.

        1. Sparkly Librarian*

          Uber’s got a bad reputation – the things that come to mind for me are ways they’ve mistreated their drivers, their customers, and their competition – from bait-and-switch employment to denying service to passengers with disabilities to placing and cancelling Lyft requests (tying up those drivers without payment and pushing the demand over to Uber). Then there’s the many documented cases of sexual assault of passengers by Uber drivers, for which Uber doesn’t take responsibility – they’re independent contractors! Uber can’t be liable for that! Unless you pay more to get a “safe ride” from a driver who has been background-checked. Ugh.

          Lyft shares much of the independent contractor business model, but their business ethics haven’t been noted to be nearly as shady – or, at least, not to my knowledge. My Lyft experience is limited to the last 4 months and the SF Bay Area, but I was purposely avoiding using Uber long before I opened a Lyft account. Before that I occasionally used Homobiles, a local volunteer car service, but the wait times were long and they only accepted cash fares/donations (this may have changed by now).

          1. SL #2*

            I’ve never had a ride that didn’t tack on the safe rides fee ($1 in SF). I don’t think it’s optional anymore.

          2. Dan*

            More thinking aloud than anything, but to your issue with uber not taking responsibility for their drivers committing crimes, well, it’s a very American attitude to expect them to do so. The truth is, the perpetrator of the crime is solely responsible for his or her actions. No one else is.

            I haven’t read anything about denying services to passengers with disabilities, but if you’re referring to passengers who have mobility issues and can enter/exit a sedan because of it, I don’t take issue with that.

    5. katamia*

      I don’t like Uber’s policies/leadership and would never use them in the US, but I’ve used them a couple times here in Taiwan because I don’t speak Chinese well enough and therefore can’t really reserve a taxi/have serious doubts about my ability to communicate where I’m trying to go to a taxi driver. Or rather I used them once when I was moving and tried to use them once when I was injured and couldn’t face the walk to the metro, but had to cancel because it took so long to get here that I just did the walk anyway (they charged me for the cancelled fare but gave me a credit when I contacted them and explained the situation). The one time I actually used them (may or may not try to use them again when I go to the airport next week), everything was fine–I didn’t feel creeped out or anything.

      Their app is really annoying, though. Every time I try to type in my destination, it keeps giving me locations in Bangladesh or India. It takes awhile each time for it to re-figure out that, yes, I’m still in Taiwan. No idea what’s causing that.

    6. anonanonanon*

      At first I felt guilty about using Uber over taxis, but taxis in my city are horrible at knowing where to go and trying to trick people into taking the long way about, are never in my neighborhood despite being in the center of the city, and sometimes refuse to drive to certain places.

      I like Uber because it’ll pick me up right at my door and it’s generally cheaper than a taxi by a few bucks (though surge pricing is a different matter). I only take them late at night, if it’s really bad weather and I know public transit is going to be slow, or if I have too much to carry somewhere. Plus, sometimes I’m in an area where it’s difficult to get a taxi so it’s nice knowing Uber is available.

      Every Uber I’ve used has had GPS, which is a change from most of the taxis in the city who are all “I don’t know how to get to this popular destination”. I find Uber way more convenient than a taxi. I know how long it’ll take me to get an Uber, while waiting on the street for a taxi could take forever.

    7. SL #2*

      I only ride, but I used to live in San Francisco (Uber and Lyft HQ) so we got discounted rates, very quick service, etc. I loved it, found it extremely convenient for getting back from late nights at work or concerts or any sort of social event when I wouldn’t be comfortable on public transit. I think ride-sharing as a concept is fantastic, and it’s had the added bonus of making taxis step up their game and become more tolerable.

      I also know there’s been a lot of reports of harassment or worse from Uber drivers; I’ve never been in a car with someone who made me uncomfortable in any way, but I always watched the route on my phone via Google Maps or even the Uber app itself, and I made it very obvious to the driver that I was doing so, and would notice in an instant if they were taking me the wrong direction to somewhere that I didn’t want to go. So, in a nutshell, I do love Uber and find it convenient and easy to use, but I’m also very careful when I do use one.

    8. Jillociraptor*

      I love Uber. It’s consistently cheaper and more reliable than cabs in my area, and I’ve had the most interesting conversations with my drivers.

      Conversely, I’ve had such terrible experiences with cabs around here. I think every time I’ve taken a cab home from the airport, I’ve had the driver either try to take the wrong route, or try to charge me the long-distance surcharge rate for a trip within the limits. And so many spent the whole trip complaining to me about Uber…

      I am really curious to see the effects of the “sharing economy” concept. Most of all, I hope that it’s a good kind of pressure on industries that previously had less incentive to provide good services.

    9. Mando Diao*

      I live in a very college-y/party area, so a lot of the local Uber drivers are people who used to be part of the scene but have aged out of it. The drivers seem to “get it,” if that makes sense. This area also has a reputation for really lousy, creepy cab drivers, so Uber tends to win out. I’ve never taken Uber alone though, so I can’t speak to safety issues.

    10. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I never took– and will never take– an Uber in Manhattan. I always lived in neighborhoods where cab drivers also lived, and because I could step into the street and hail a taxi, I never bothered using Uber. The one time I considered it, they were at 3x surge pricing, so I called a local Brooklyn car service.

      Now that we live in the south, I use UberX almost exclusively. Taxis here are awful. My next-door neighbor drives two cabs, and I would never, ever get in them– they’re poorly maintained, for starters, and my neighbor smokes lots of things at all hours. I don’t think he’d ever drive while stoned, mind you, but I can just imagine how his cabs smell. Uber drivers here have been really polite and friendly, with very clean cars. I got really excited when I got a repeat driver. I’ve never had a problem getting a ride to the airport, even very early in the morning. Granted, I live in a pretty well-populated area close to downtown, so there’s that– no one minds picking me up or taking me home.

      There are several college campuses around here, and many of the Uber drivers have told me their “horror stories” that end with, “I’m just glad I was there to pick them up and get them home.” It makes me happy that college students aren’t trying to drive but are using this type of service.

    11. salad fingers*

      One other thing to note — Uber is kind of nice when travelling. When I’m here in Chicago, I know which intersections to walk to get a cab, whether I’m in a neighborhood where that’s possible, etc. When we stayed in a slightly residential part of Montreal this past summer, we didn’t see a ton of cabs driving by when we were going out to dinner. We were able to Uber there, and when we had trouble explaining to the driver where we were headed, we were able to just find the destination on the app. And the currency exchange bit is automatic — one less hassle if you don’t have cash.

      I don’t want to like Uber but it’s convenient sometimes.

    12. Stephanie*

      Conflicted about Uber. I’m not a fan of them as a company–they make all their money by shifting all the expensive parts of running a transportation company (like fleet maintenance, insurance, following DOT regulations, etc) to the drivers. (Granted, I know that’s sort of common with taxi drivers, too.) So I feel a little mixed taking one (especially an UberX) just because I know the driver may not be making a ton.

      That being said, I used them in DC occasionally, as cabs were f*cking abysmal at the time (I preferred the bus tbh…you at least knew when it was going to show up). No standard of maintenance, no sense of direction (I gave cabbies directions more than a few times), no credit card readers, and I had a couple of cabbies hit on me to an extent that I asked to be dropped off at places that weren’t my house. There were also tons of small cab companies, so it was hard to call a cab ahead of time. And Uber would take me to whatever destination I asked (I lived in neighborhood that wasn’t served by cabs that often). So Uber was nice in that regard. The black cars were more expensive than cabs. UberX was about on par with a cab.

      I don’t take cabs in Phoenix. I live way out, so if I was at the point to where I couldn’t drive, it’d just be cheaper to stay at a hotel. I just abstain or have one drink.

      Like I mentioned above, I looked into driving for Lyft out here, but it wasn’t cost-effective. I’d be hired as an independent contractor, so there’d be the end of year tax hit. And Lyft wanted a $1 million limit on my car insurance (which would have doubled my current insurance rate). Plus given how sprawling Phoenix is, I figured it wasn’t going to be worth the extra gas costs and wear and tear.

    13. Windchime*

      My kids live in Seattle and they use Uber all the time. They love it. They’ll use it when they are planning to meet friends for drinks so they don’t have to worry about having a designated driver.

    14. Num Lock*

      I’m not a rider or driver, as I live in Nowhere, USA, but my 60-something dad was a regular Uber driver for a year. In the end he quit because he didn’t want to work late nights to get the real money, didn’t want to work when the weather was crappy, and the formula changed to make it harder to get the big bonuses. I think he quit about a year or two ago.

      As he told me, he had to be ready to hop in the car as soon as someone requested a ride. You’d miss out on a ride if you weren’t next to the app, ready to hit the accept button. He’d have to locate them using the app, but the GPS was often incorrect and he’d have to call the client. Uber frowns heavily on this, he said. He invested in a separate GPS device to route him since he was trying to take calls over a tri-county area.

      Overall I think he enjoyed it, but it just became too stressful for him. Plus he actually had to get a newer car to do it, so that upped his costs significantly. I really think it’s more a part-time gig than any sort of job replacement (like my dad hoped for).

  29. Noah*

    Feeling a bit selfish today. My brother in law took his own life earlier this week. I was home for less than 10 hours after returning from Thanksgiving and ended up going right back to my parents and sister’s state. I was gone the first two weeks of November for work.

    I just left everyone to go home. I’ve spent the week helping out, taking care if my niece and nephew, assisting my sister with memorial arrangements and figuring out life stuff. I’m drained and need to go home. The memorial service is Monday, but I have to be back at work by then for an important audit. I need at least a day in between to relax.

    Lots of emotions. I’m mad at him, sad for the kiddos, and my heart aches for my sister. Obviously nothing compared to what she’s going through. Part of me wishes I could stay there, but I’m also so glad I get to leave.

    1. AcidMeFlux*

      That’s awful, and I’m very sorry for your loss. If you have to go to work, then you have to go. Your family will be needing help for a long time: lot’s of people show up at the first, shocking, critical moments of a crisis, then are never seen or heard from again. You can give a lot of help in coming months, when it’s really needed.

      1. Noah*

        Oh, I’ll be going back. Already had a trip planned for Christmas and then my niece’s birthday in January. One big benefit of working for an airline is free flights.

        1. Observer*

          So there you are. Life goes on, but you are planning to make helping out a part of that – and it’s not just words. You already have concrete plans in place. In the meantime, you have phone and email as a bridge.

          I think you are doing quite will, all things considered. Take care of yourself, so you can continue to be a helpful child and sibling. It’s ok to take care of yourself, just for yourself, too. But, if your feeling guilty, recognize that it benefits your family as well.

    5. fposte*

      I’m so sorry, Noah. It sounds like you did a tremendous service for your family the last few weeks; I hope find this breather restorative.

    7. Doriana Gray*

      You are not selfish. You were there for your family and you’ll be there again. So sorry for your family’s loss.

    8. Victoria, Please*

      Oh Noah, you don’t sound selfish at all. You sound strong. You’ll be there for your family in future; like someone pointed out, there’s lot of help at first and then everyone drifts back to their own life, and that’s when you will be there.

      I’m so sorry this happened. Let us know how you are, upcoming.

    11. Katie the Fed*

      Noah, I’m so sorry. I think all your feelings are perfectly normal – and it’s ok to be selfish in situations like that. You need to carve out your own space to deal as well. I’m really sorry.

      1. Alma*

        Yes, put your oxygen mask on before you help someone else…

        I am so sorry. There are so many layers to your loss.

    13. knitchic79*

      Noah! I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how this feels for everyone. Your whole family is in my thoughts. You are not being selfish…sometimes we need work as a distraction when the worst has happened. Take care of you. :(

    15. pony tailed wonder*

      I don’t think you are selfish. You need to recharge because you are planning to be there for the long haul. Take care of yourself and you will be better able to take care of your family.

    16. SL #2*

      So sorry for your loss. I know it feels like you’re being selfish by wanting to leave, but you’ll be a better source of support for your family if you’re also recharged and running at 100%.

    17. Clever Name*

      Oh no. :( it’s not selfish to take care of yourself. You’ll need the strength to help your family. Thank you for being there for them.

    18. Mando Diao*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. You are allowed to think of yourself first. Trust me, your sister is not going to be upset that one extra person isn’t invading her space right now. Be there for her in the weeks and months to come, after everyone else has returned to their normal routines. That’s when she’ll need you the most.

      By the way, a lot of us handle grief by staying away for a while and taking time to figure out our feelings. There is nothing wrong or weird or selfish about managing your own life in the midst of a tragedy.

    20. Vancouver Reader*

      So sorry to hear that, especially when this is supposed to be a happy time of year for everyone. It was wonderful of you to drop everything to go help out your family. I hope your sister and her kids get continuing support from those who live closer to them.

    21. Penelope Pitstop*

      So very sorry, Noah.

      Claiming something for yourself to recharge is what will enable you to give of yourself without giving more than you’re able and becoming resentful. There’s nothing selfish about knowing your limits. Also, your mix of emotions…including the anger is totally normal and healthy.

      You are a gift to your sister and those kids.

  30. Vera*

    Alright, I know this has been asked a million times, but I’m going to ask again. How do those of you that are frequent commenters keep up with the comments section?! I’ve tried subscribing to the comments via e-mail but it’s not really helfpul if I’m trying to follow one or two threads of comments. I’ve tried RSS feeds for comments…same problem. The best solution I’ve come up with is to just keep refreshing the page and CTRL+F my handle to see where I have replied. What does everyone else do?

      1. Cruciatus*

        Same as the both of you! But I can’t keep up with all the comment sections, usually because of work (stupid work!). The weekend open thread is probably the only one I can keep up with. I refresh then start at the bottom and work up. So often I read “And continuing the [very interesting] thread from such and such post earlier this week…” and I’m like…”when did that happen!?” So I miss a lot, but reading it all seems like it’d be at least a part-time job.

        Oh, sometimes I CTRL F “ask a manager” to see what sorts of posts Alison is responding to in case something exciting/interesting is going down in a thread. I really hope that’s not too stalker-y.

    3. Audiophile*

      That’s what I do. I often forget what stories I’ve commented on, especially if it’s been a day or two, so I’ll go a few pages back and see if my handle pops up. Sometimes I’ll search for it in the search box, but that’s hit or miss, especially if it’s really old.

      1. Noah*

        Speaking of searching, I also Google search for “Noah site:askamanager.org” and then select search tools and past week or month. Sometimes I forget what I’ve responded to, and it is interesting to read replys.

        3. Blue_eyes*

          Ooh, I hadn’t thought of that. This would be great for making sure I see replies for posts from a few days ago.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Here is a trick that might help. I don’t use the site search function; instead, I keep this page bookmarked:

        https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=site:askamanager.org&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&gws_rd=ssl

        Hmmm, I don’t know why that URL is Safari-specific, but you can create your own by typing “site:askamanager.org” (no quotes) into Google, and then bookmarking the resulting page. Name it “AAM search” or something and then you can easily go there when you need it.

        Once there, you can add your commenter name to the search string, and it will bring up everything with your name on it. To narrow it down, use the Search Tools menu at the top of the page and choose “last 24 hours,” “past week,” or whatever time period you want. (However, that time frame is linked to the date of the post itself, not the date of comments.)

    4. nep*

      Same — refresh the page when I get back to reading it, and ‘find’ my handle to see the exchanges. I also always go to last post and work up, to see the latest.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        me too. Sometimes I find random questions addressed to me in the weekly threads that way too – usually federal specific stuff.

        One of the strangest things on this site though was when I realized people remembered stuff I’d previously mentioned and said “oh, is this still such-and-such employee?” I figured I was more forgettable than I am!

    5. fposte*

      In addition to what people said, I will sometimes search on the page by time of posts– a search for “at 5” if I stopped reading at 4:45, that kind of thing, and then go ’round for subsequent hours. That’s too much during the time comments really explode on a thread, but for catching back up later it’s often an easy way to see what I missed.

      And sometimes I just see comments months later when I’m looking at an old post, too. Which is a nice surprise–kind of like finding money in my couch :-).

      2. Mephyle*

        Same here. Also, on the free-for-alls, which tend to be active for at least two days, I will search for the second day; e.g., “December 6” on Sunday for this one which started on Dec. 5.

    6. Rana*

      Honestly? I’ve given up. Unless I’ve actually commented (and can then search on my name for follow-up responses) the comments sections get one pass, if that. There’s just too much to keep track of, too many new people I don’t have a feel for, and a lot of repetition (since, understandably, I think a lot of people comment before trying to read all the comments to see if anyone’s already made a similar point).

        1. Rana*

          We are doing well! At the moment we’re still trying to recover from Thanksgiving travel, but otherwise she’s great. She’s been surprising us a lot lately with a bunch of new verbal skills coming “on line” – I sort of knew intellectually how complex language acquisition is, but it’s a whole different thing observing it in practice.

          My own work is in a bit of a lull at the moment, but that’s not entirely bad, since I want any projects I take on to be worth the inevitable disruptions.

          1. fposte*

            Good to hear! It’s really fun to watch them learn, isn’t it? “When the heck did you figure *that* out?”

            1. Rana*

              Plus she now busts out with some ridiculously complex sentences, and it’s still like, “Wha?”

              (Tonight’s example: looking at a book of pond animals she said, upon observing the dragonfly, “Dragonfly! Flying! With wings! Like birds!”)

    8. Ask a Manager*

      And there’s a feature coming later this week that will make this much easier! I didn’t want to announce it earlier because I wasn’t sure of the timing yet.

  31. Audiophile*

    Happy to report our mail delivery issues has been resolved. My mom noticed that someone from the post office came by and looked at the mailbox, made sure they could reach it from the vehicle. Then we got a call from the Assemblywoman and when my sister went to collect mail, she was told we’d be getting mail again. And that if the postman gave any further problems they would deal with him. So now he drives by and begrudgingly throws it in the mailbox.

    1. Noah*

      I don’t know why some people try to make everything difficult. I had a mail carrier who would never deliver packages. Instead he would fill out the green card and leave it in my mailbox. I would sit in my office and watch him do this, and complain to the local post office every time. After months of going to the post office to retrieve packages, and complaining every time, I finally videoed him doing this and sent it to DC. The next week we had a new mail carrier.

    2. fposte*

      Oh, that’s great news! Did you guys call the assemblywoman? I didn’t remember that part, but smart move if so.

      1. Audiophile*

        I actually emailed the person (using my mom’s name). I think that, in conjunction with one of my sisters yelling them and causing a scene, got the issue resolved. I also wrote to both towns (our town and the one the post office is located in). So who knows which thing it was. But he now angrily throws our mail in the mailbox, which is fine, as long as it’s in there.

  32. nep*

    Did anyone see the NY Times front-page editorial on guns? Apparently the first front-page editorial since 1920.

    2. Mike C.*

      I kind of had a chuckle when I found out what the editorial in 1920 was about. Talk about bringing back memories of AP US History class.

    3. Clever Name*

      Kudos to them. On Monday I’m calling my senator who accepts beaucoup dollars from the NRA and who votes against gun regs. I feel sorry for the person who takes his messages. :)

  33. Dynamic Beige*

    Question about something that may be racially charged: what is the deal about Kool-Aid?

    I watch the Daily/Nightly show and this week, there was a big ‘do over one of the Faux news people asking a female guest chef who was black if she made Kool-Aid with some dish she was making. She had commented that in the summer she put in some other ingredient and he asked her if she made some Kool-Aid to go with it and everyone was all “that’s *so* racist!” I don’t get why that’s racist? I thought it was rather a weird comment to make because that’s a kids’ drink and why would she make a kids’ drink? But there must be some reason why that would be considered racist that I just have never heard of or would even consider. Or maybe asking an adult if she made a kids’ drink to go with something for adults is the racist part? I can see how that could be considered sexist — I doubt he would have asked a male chef of any race a question like that — but I think there’s some subtext there that I’m missing because she was black.

    For some context: we never had Kool-Aid when I was a kid that I can remember. My mother didn’t believe in things she considered luxuries, so pop/chips/junk food in general was something we didn’t have around the house all the time and Kool-Aid fell into that category. I remember it as being something exotic I saw on TV ads that we never got (this was the 70’s). I think that at some point I bought it just to see what it was like and I just didn’t like it, but by then I was an adult and the whole sugar/chemical thing just wasn’t on for me.

    1. fposte*

      It bypassed me too, but apparently it’s a thing–there’s a stereotype of black people drinking a lot Kool-Aid (from what I could see, it’s about poverty more than race–the notion is the Kool-Aid drinkers can’t afford juice). An internet search reveals this question being kicked around as early as 2008, so it’s not something that just came up.

      1. K.*

        It’s definitely a thing, has been for … as long as Kool Aid’s been around, I think. Black people liking Kool-Aid is a stereotype in the same way us liking watermelon or fried chicken is.

        I saw that clip, and what struck me was the guest’s daughter (I think it was her daughter) – when the host asked about Kool-Aid, the little girl gave the camera such a side-eye. I think she knows exactly what the stereotype is.

        1. fposte*

          Okay, good to know, thanks. I don’t think it was around in my childhood in the 1960s, because Kool-Aid was very much Every Kid’s Thing then (I even remember a spirited playground discussion about whose family bought sweetened Kool-Aid and who bought unsweetened–based, I would bet, on our tendency to try to eat the dry mix). I suspect this was part of changes that meant what was standard or even indulgent fare in the ’60s (canned Spaghettios, God love ’em) became class markers as trends moved on.

          1. Dynamic Beige*

            That’s kind of how I’ve always I’ve seen it, I guess, as a sort of Every Kid’s Thing — maybe that’s a hold over from the 60’s and it’s different now? Kind of like Tang. Does anyone drink Tang any more? And except for Jonestown, I’ve never had a negative association with it, all the chemicals and sugar aside.

            It’s funny how things like canned spaghetti — when they first came out — were seen as not “poor” food, but something new and amazingly nutritious for you and your family! Only *poor* people cooked because they can’t afford to buy canned… and now it’s the exact opposite. Like with carpet and hardwood floors. My grandmother went to a lot of trouble to cover the hardwood floor in her house with carpet, because only poor people had hardwood back in the late 50’s, and now it’s the opposite — if you can’t afford hardwood, you go for carpet (or laminate, or tiles).

              1. fposte*

                We actually got those at my house! Even by the standards of the time, they weren’t great food (I remember them being kind of gritty and gelatinous at the same time), but we were still fascinated by them.

                1. Xarcady*

                  I remember those!

                  We didn’t get Kool-Aid. We had Wyler’s Soft Drink mix, which was the lower-cost Kool-Aid.

                  And count me among those who had no idea there could be a racist connotation to Kool-Aid. There certainly wasn’t back in the 60s, at least not on the military bases I grew up on.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              Rugs vs hardwood. If they keep moving the goal the bucks just roll in as people try to keep up with current trends.

            3. the gold digger*

              I loved Tang but it was too expensive for us. :) We just had Kool Aid.

              I am laughing at the “only poor people cooked.” My mom always cooked – we never had any convenience foods. I think it probably was mostly about money, but my mom was also very savvy about nutrition and didn’t want to feed us crap. But it was mostly money.

              Anyhow, I never tasted any of that kind of thing – Spaghettios, Kraft Mac and Cheese- until I was an adult. They are disgusting! I am so spoiled because my mom is a really good cook.

              My husband, on the other hand, thinks Oreos taste great. Again, a food I never had until I was an adult because my mom made cookies from scratch. My husband’s mother was not a good cook.

              1. Dynamic Beige*

                I never really thought about it before, but it is kind of true. My grandmother made everything from scratch, even pizza. She would make pancakes from scratch, not a mix, and they were delish. In large part, I think, because a frozen TV dinner cost way more than a meal you could cook yourself, and there was less food. Also, most the foods they were used to, which we would call “ethnic” now, you couldn’t get in a store.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I’m vaguely remembering this from somewhere, but my main associations of Kool-Aid are 1) drinking tons of it as a child (my mum wouldn’t buy soda but we could have Kool-Aid), 2) Jonestown, and 3) the Kool-Aid advert with the giant pitcher yelling “OH YEAAAAAHHHH!!” and crashing through stuff.

        1. Windchime*

          My grandmother even had one of those Kool-Aid pitchers with the face on it. This was back in the 60’s and we thought it was so amazing.

    2. Katie the Fed*

      It’s part of the watermelon/fried chicken stereotype. I mean, I LOVE watermelon and fried chicken, so I didn’t really understand that either when people were circulating pictures of the White House with a watermelon patch in the front, but now I know.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        The watermelon thing, I know about that. How that got started, I have no idea, but that one has been around for a long time. I always thought fried chicken was a “southern” thing more than being tied to any race, guess I’ll have to adjust that.

        I guess for me is that Kool-Aid just isn’t something that has ever been on my radar as a thing in general, so it was just kind of surprising to find out that it was associated with a stereotype like that.

        1. knitchic79*

          I remember having to run some errands for work last year. I gassed up and while I was at the station I bought myself and one of the supervisors an orange soda. Oh my goodness the side eye I got when I handed him his. It wasn’t a race thing, he just loves the stuff.

            1. Dynamic Beige*

              Count me on this, too. Mystified. You brought him a drink he likes and instead of being viewed as a kindness, other people saw it as racist?

              In some ways, it seems that you can’t do much of anything anymore without someone taking offence about it in some way.

            1. Dynamic Beige*

              Uh… you mean it’s not? It’s not a phrase I use (or hear) often but that would be the first thing I would think, playing cards. Doh.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              My parents used it in the context of calling things for what they actually are. I never knew where the expression came from. I know that I very seldom hear this expression any more.

            4. fposte*

              It wasn’t, initially; it was just about shovels. So it’s not *based* on the racial slur, but it’s come to be associated with it. There’s a false etymology going around that suggests a different origin, but it’s wrong.

              That doesn’t mean it gets to stay an okay phrase; it’s use, not just etymology, that makes something offensive.

    3. Dan*

      I grew up in an extremely white part of the country, so wasn’t exposed to a lot of stereotypes as a kid. As an adult, I laugh at a lot of them — particularly the ones mentioned in this thread. It makes me wonder what the history behind them is.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        Me too. I’m not saying it was good or bad, it just was. We didn’t have a person of colour in our class until grade 4 and they only stayed one year — they had come directly from Africa (I can’t remember where exactly, except that it was a French speaking part). Also, for all her faults, one of the things my mother hated was racism so that kind of talk just didn’t happen at home.

        1. Dan*

          There were expressions that we used as kids that I’d be embarrassed to be caught saying now. TBH, I certainly had no idea they were offensive — and then I moved to the big city for college. When we’d sit around and talk about our younger years, I had to ask what people called such-and-such activity (describing the activity, not using the offensive name for it). It’s sort of embarrassing, really.

          1. Dynamic Beige*

            Yeah, I remember calling things “gay” or saying something was “retarded” — so much of that stuff you pick up at school to fit in with everyone else and no one knows how it starts or where it comes from. And you’re too young to really know any better. Not saying it’s right, everyone is so desperate to “fit in” and be “normal” just like everyone else when they’re young, no one thinks about much beyond that because no one wants to be singled out for the same treatment. What is it about us that drives us like that? I bet that dynamic has been going on since the beginning of time.

  34. Windchime*

    Love the picture of Olive relaxing under the tree.

    I totally spaced it and posted my non-work comment on the work open thread this week. Not sure why I got so confused! I know we talk about our cats a lot here, so here is my most recent cat story. Kitty was having some symptoms that led the vet to believe that he is experiencing food allergies. So we have been trying out a hypoallergenic food. He finally (grudgingly) ate some of the canned food, but he totally boycotted the kibble. Like, no way was he going to eat that. He actually tried to bury it yesterday. It was $65 a bag (!???!!), so I was able to take it back and get samples of a different brand/flavor of kibble. Thank goodness he seems to like this new food.

    What a hassle. In other news, my refrigerator is making a big puddle on my (hardwood) kitchen floor and the repair guy can’t get here until Friday. The day that my Christmas guests arrive for Early Christmas.

    1. IT Squirrel*

      You might already have done this, but have you checked the drain pipe inside at the back/bottom of the fridge? It might be blocked, you can clean it out with a bit of kitchen paper and a chopstick or other poking implement…

      Appologies if you’ve already tried it!

      1. Windchime*

        I watched a video that suggested this. There is a ton of stuff that has to be taken apart to get to it. When I called the repair people, they said there was a recall on a part in my fridge that causes this to happen so I will let the repair guy fix it. But thanks for the suggestion! :)

  35. Victoria, Please*

    Has anyone ever worked with a professional organizer?

    I am desperate — like, pour me many stiff drinks desperate — to have LESS SH*T IN MY HOUSE. But my husband is a keeper and finds making decisions about Physical Stuff completely overwhelming. If I ask him to look through a stack of old magazines, *he* needs a drink. Ironically, he will happily spend hours searching out just the right complicated plans for traveling, finances, etc.

    Joking about the drinking, but you get what I mean. I thought having someone help might…help.

      1. Windchime*

        Can you explain how UFYH actually helps? All I ever see there are pictures of areas that people have cleaned up and yes, that’s inspirational, but it doesn’t actually help me organize or get busy when I should. What part of UFYH am I missing?

        1. calibrachoa*

          There are lists of hints and tips and how-tos, mini-challenges (like for example this week, take 10 minutes every day to clean your counters), reminders to do stuff in the evening time / in the morning and the concept of cleaning in 20/10s – 20 min work, 10 min break.

        2. The Cosmic Avenger*

          I clicked on “Cleaning Basics”, “UfYH Fundamentals”, and “Challenges”, and they all had a ton of useful information. I actually don’t see any pictures. Are you using the app? I’m just looking at the website, but I have friends who use the app and love it.

    2. danr*

      Take a look at what magazines have been saved and see what you can get electronically. I’m sure your library has subscription full text databases. See what matches and show him that the articles are available online. If you can get him to agree, the oldest magazines can stay, since they’re probably not available, but all new ones have a one year lifetime in the house.
      Or, buy a flatbed scanner, and it’s his job to scan all of the magazines to PDF and save them online. Since the magazines have to be taken apart to scan them, the pages go to recycling after he confirms that the scans are good. The only catch here is that he can’t loan the electronic copies to anyone, since that would be illegal… but I have a feeling that those don’t leave the house anyway.

      1. Observer*

        This is an excellent idea. Invest in a good scanner – if you are ready pay a professional organizer, this is not much different. And it will make it much more likely that the scanning will get done. The advantage of this (at least for the paper stuff) is that with an outside person, he might very well fight you on this because that person just “doesn’t get it.” But, here you he actually gets to keep his stuff. The downside is that this is not a quick process, but still, at least it will start.

        You’ll probably need an extra hard drive, but those things don’t cost that much – 1 TB goes for about $50.

        Also, a lot of magazines now have digital versions. Make sure to get the digital subscription with every periodical you get and have your husband download them. This way you can keep the hoarding of paper down – he has x amount of time to download or scan every periodical that comes in the door, then you chuck it.

    3. fposte*

      Can you start with stuff that’s less conceptually dense? Magazines are about the worst, because each article has its own potential value and sense of loss and guilt if you skip it. It’s like a dozen horrible decisions in a half-inch of thickness.

    4. Stella Maris*

      That’s stressful.

      Are there any rules/guidelines for *where* the stuff can be? Like, is there a room or a shelf that can have all of that stuff so it’s not in the ‘common’ area?

      Are these magazines he’s already read and rereads for useful items (like woodworking or another craft/hobby)? Or unread? If unread maybe there needs to be fewer subscriptions, or a rule about dates – anything older than a year hasn’t been read and goes?

      Good luck.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Something I noticed during years of magazine saving is that they tend to run the same kinds of stories over and over and over. So if you don’t save one, you can keep an eye out for an upcoming issue, and find it there. Like decorating magazines—I used to save articles to reduce the amount of paper, and I had the same ones duplicated, i.e. “Decorate with Flea Market Things.” The only differences were the pictures–the advice was almost exactly the same!

      Now that he can find that stuff online, he can be a link hoarder like me. It takes up less space! :) I was so proud of myself when I got rid of my magazine article file. I’d had that thing since the 1980s.

    6. pony tailed wonder*

      I read that hoarders are attracted to paper products and it is tough for them to part with that kind of stuff. Maybe you can get him to set small goals for what his biggest weakness is. Baby step him perhaps?

        1. mander*

          Indeed. I have always wanted to do a study about how many times the same advice (on decorating, diet, whatever) is repeated in women’s magazines, and at what rate.

          1. Saucy Minx*

            About 30 years ago I worked for a women’s magazine in London, England, & the pattern was to repeat stuff about every two years, but w/ the most recent info, of course, & new pix.

    7. Victoria, Please*

      Chuckle. I hadn’t thought that way about the magazines, that they are condensed decisions.

      But that was just an example. He even protests when he sees me going through MY OWN THINGS. “Really? Are you sure? Because you might want that. Your mom gave it to you. You liked that restaurant. That’s from that great vacation. I like that dress [that has not been worn in 5 years]. What if you want it, you’ll be sorry you don’t have it.”

      He comes by it honestly; his parents kept stacks of empty toothpaste boxes because they were good to carry things in. He has a much higher tolerance for clutter and mess than I do, so much less motivation to change it too. That’s why I’m thinking that getting help might help.

      1. Observer*

        Sure, the magazines are just one thing, but if you can get that moving, it might help, in a way that a professional organizer won’t because it directly addresses the anxiety involved.”I might want that!” Yes, and you will still have it! Even better, you will still have it even if the house burns down. (Invest in an off site backup account for his stuff, and it will be true!) I don’t know if it will help him get used to getting rid of stuff, but it will get rid of at least one source of clutter – and on that tends to take up a huge amount of space and can eventually present some hazards.So getting that one issue under control is helpful, no matter what else you do.

        Also, if you do get an organizer, make sure you find someone with experience and success with hoarders. Your husband sounds like a classic case, and they ALWAYS have a much higher tolerance for mess and clutter than almost anyone else, even people with a relatively high tolerance for clutter. The thing is that these types of people don’t respond well to people who come in and ruthlessly start throwing things out and just giving rules about how to decide what needs to go. Those types ARE useful for a lot of people. But, for people like your husband who have high anxiety and but don’t see that there is a problem, this doesn’t really cut it. He’s going to fight it and probably refuse to cooperate.

        1. Victoria, Please*

          Let me clarify, he’s NOT a hoarder and has no kind of anxiety issues by any stretch of the imagination. He just likes his stuff a lot more than I do!

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Maybe not now, but what you’ve described does sound like some pack-rat tendencies, which can get out of control in high-stress circumstances.

            A professional organizer might be just the ticket–I’ve been thinking I’d like to hire one myself. I live in a small space with limited storage, and I have some pack-rat tendencies myself. With me, it’s more about being lazy; I’ll save stuff thinking “I could make X with this,” and then when I have time, I don’t do anything, LOL.

          2. Observer*

            I’m sure that at this point, he doesn’t have other anxiety issues, otherwise you would have noticed it. But, what you describe sounds like classic “pack rat”, which is generally a precursor to “hoarder” if not nipped in the bud. And, it’s almost certainly related to anxiety. think about his arguments to you – you haven’t used this thing in 5 years, but you MIGHT want it some day and you’ll be sorry. That’s anxiety, by and large.

            In any case, even if it’s something else, the rest of what I said holds true. With the magazines, “I might need that article in 10 years” is answered, because he has it all on his hard drive, backed up to his Box, DropBox, Mozy or whatever account.

            And in terms of the organizer, I have not doubt that he is aware of a lot of the “rules” (aka useful guidelines) around what to throw out, when. But, his response to those things is “but what if I’ll need it sometime? I’ll be sorry.” So you need someone who your husband believes “gets it” and / or someone who has experience in dealing with that argument.

          3. fposte*

            I don’t know, this sounds pretty proto-hoardery to me, and I speak as somebody in that position. It’s that for him every item is an emblem of a time or a relationship and can’t be considered in isolation, and any item going out the door feels like a loss. That’s pretty much hoarder brain.

            Not that that means you’re going to be buried under piles any time soon–plenty of people hang around at Level I or so for life, and I’ve gotten better as get older rather than worse. But I think the reason your approaches aren’t working is that you’re not factoring in how differently he *feels* about all this–it’s not just an organizational thing.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              “It’s that for him every item is an emblem of a time or a relationship and can’t be considered in isolation, and any item going out the door feels like a loss.”

              This is what fascinates me. What causes this mindset?

              I kept pictures of the dogs on the Purina dog food bags as a kid because I felt sorry for the dogs. (No clue, that was my thinking at the time, though.) Fortunately, by the time I got into my teens I was able to throw them out, but I have noticed that I still can get attached to things. Unless I deliberately consider the utility of an item I can store it forever, I know how to do that.

              One thing that shook me back down to earth was cleaning out our parents’ houses. I don’t want to put anyone through that. My cousin and I got into a good discussion of how we keep things we hate because it was in the family and it’s our obligation to keep these items. wth. She has one piece of furniture that makes her grind her teeth and start growling. Get rid of the damn thing, I said.

              But did you ever notice all the different reasons why we keep stuff?
              It might come back into style.
              It might be useful to someone in the fam.
              It might be good to salvage parts off of for something else.
              It was Aunt Rose’s and I don’t have anything else of Aunt Rose’s.
              It will be valuable someday.
              I might find another one and take parts off of it to make this one work.
              I owe it to the family to keep this.
              I have never liked this thing Aunt Sue gave me, so I must keep it in order to avoid guilt about never liking it.
              Aunt Sue will ask where Thing is.
              I just looove this Thing, even though I never use it or even look at it.
              I was thinking about starting a collection of Thing.

              I found that all my excuses for keeping stuff was a little mind-bending. The only common thread I found was that there was some sort of emotion attached to the decision to keep the item. While I can trace back some of the roots of my indecision about tossing things out, I can’t really nail down why. And maybe that is the answer- it has more than one root cause.

              My neighbor easily sorts through her stuff every year and has a lawn sale. I am almost there, I think….

              Very interesting topic.

              1. fposte*

                Oh, I know! I had the inclination from very early childhood. It was pretty intense, and I’m glad it’s eased up some. It’s kind of worse in childhood, too, because another hoarding aspect is that every object is animate in your mind (all those sad and rejected dead pens in the garbage, that kind of thing), and when you’re a child, you’re surrounded by stuff that’s supposed to look like critters and whatnot. Chocolate Easter bunnies were a horrible dilemma for me.

                What’s wryly interesting to me is one of my successful counterefforts has been characterizing *space* as a thing I’d like to collect. And I can still only weed in short, concentrated bursts; decision fatigue comes really fast. That’s all right; it gives me time to celebrate my exciting new drawer of organization.

                Ah, brains. What the heck do they think they’re doing?

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  This is the sense that I have, too, that it was in me at birth almost. Maybe this has something to do with why my mother was in labor for so long, I just did not want to decide to come out! hahaa.
                  I love the idea of collecting an intangible. Mind-bending but fascinating in the same stroke. An aunt came to visit. She was in my guest room. She hollered to me, “Niece, you have to do something. There is one square foot of floor space with NO furniture in it! This is an emergency.” I almost split my side from laughing so hard. Her house looks the same. She knew she could say that and I would bust out laughing. One of my many roots is seeing family do the same thing, it reinforces the behavior.

                  A former boss and I had quite a chat about hoarding/clutter. We both talked about what we saw in our families. He later told me that after our chat he went home and had a chat with his kids about how to decide to discard or keep things. And that is the punchline right there, it’s a decision not to let the cycle continue. I have to reaffirm my decision periodically.

                  I do think that most of us have more things than our parents had. I know I have given away more than my parents ever owned. (I have given away equal to about three households of furnishings.) The excessive amount of stuff that flows into our lives is a factor in our clutter habits.

              2. mander*

                I dread the day my aunt dies. It would drive me insane but in some ways I’d love to go spend a month at her house just documenting things — where they came from, what their significance is, what we should do with them in the future. She used to just be cluttered but she’s tipped over the line into hoarder ever since my uncle died.

                A lot of the stuff in her house was collected by my uncle, but we might have a bit of an “out” with that stuff. He was a professional photojournalist and a Vietnam vet who was a bit of a local celebrity. He was also involved with several local museums, and they might be interested in some of the things he collected. So if it turns out those things are still around and there are no instructions about what to do with it, I speak curator. ;-)

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  Grief seems to exasperate the hoarding. It’s a way of holding on. I took so much stuff out of my father’s house, omg. A year later, I decided that it was not logical and not helpful to have 12 sets of dishes, 5 sets of silverware and 5 typewriters. Every time I let go of something, it felt like I was letting go of my parents. Which, of course, is simply NOT true. I started by cutting everything in half. The first pass was the easiest for me. The second pass through was harder -that was taking out half of the remaining half. I can see why people do not do this. Before it was over, I had to rethink everything I “knew”. I had to change my thinking at its very core.
                  So on some level, I understand your aunt. And OTH, I understand your fear of having to sort through all that. I can tell you, it does grow us, it does change the way we think about things. I emptied four houses. Never again, no more. But what I learned and all the insights I gained, I would not trade them for the world. Some how after all the sadnesses, I came out a happier person.

      2. Stella Maris*

        It sounds a bit hoarder-y to me, to be honest.

        The ‘hip’ thing right now is Marie Kondo (her method, named after her, is Kon Mari); her book is “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up”. Her theories are about keeping ‘what sparks joy’ and getting rid of the rest.

        But it doesn’t sound like that will go over well in your home!

    8. the gold digger*

      My husband is the keeper and I am the get rid of stuffer. Unfortunately, I have not figured out how to make him share my values yet.

      What we have been doing with all the crap he brought from his mom and dad’s house (yes, check registers from the 70s! Medical explanations of benefits for the past seven years! Monthly IRA and other investment statements for past decade! All of it mixed up with other papers that have to be kept for at least this year and next year) is setting the timer for 30 minutes and doing what we can in that time. It is going to take us weeks to get through everything.

      (Still don’t know how to convince him not to keep their ashes in our house.)

      1. Victoria, Please*

        OMG, too funny. You and I can commiserate.

        Thankfully, my sister has the same low tolerance for clutter as I do. When our mom died we took a week and went through everything like a forest fire.

        Can I say to parents — if you’ve been saving all your (now adult) kids’ cards and letters and suchlike, do them a favor: on their birthday some time, go through the stack with them and laugh it up, then recycle the lot. You’ll have a lovely time and they won’t have to go through it all when you’re gone.

        1. mander*

          If you’re really dedicated, you could even scan or take photos of ones that you really like or that are very sentimental. Then recycle them.

          I want to do this with a bunch of things in my house before I move, and I keep trying to get my sister to do it with some of her kids’ artwork. I think making yearbooks for each child, as I have seen some people online do, is way over the top but I can see how it would be nice to have a little archive of the best ones that doesn’t take up any space.

  36. Katie the Fed*

    Just a little rant – I am SO, so, so sick of unsolicited medical advice. I don’t generally post much about my injuries or setbacks on FB because I just don’t want to talk too much about it, but I posted a general update this week and so many people took that as an opening to give me unsolicited – and frankly unhelpful – advice.

    It frustrates me a lot because it creates this dynamic where I become a defensive, ungrateful person to their well-meaning but stupid advice. Like this:

    – Have you tried yoga?
    – No, my doctor doesn’t want me to right now.
    – Oh but it would really help.
    – Right, but my doctor has me on a program.
    – But yoga would help – I’ll send you some specific exercises.
    – Thanks, but I also have a physical therapist so I think I’m covered.
    – Maybe some yoga-like stretches then?
    – I appreciate your concern, but I have a great team!
    – Just some yoga?
    – MOTHER OF GOD WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?

    But of course I can’t say that last part. Just please – shut. up. Unless you have had my very specific condition, then your advice is probably useless and may actually be harmful. I have enough going on without having to defend my choices to you, yogahead.

    1. CAA*

      Maybe stop engaging? You can just say “thanks for the suggestion” without explaining why it was not helpful.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I should. I think I have a fundamentally argumentative nature! And part of me wants to explain that it’s not a great idea to make some suggestions.

      2. katamia*

        I think the key here is “your advice is probably useless and may actually be harmful.” Most people aren’t trained medical professionals, and while certainly there are terrible trained medical professionals out there (I’ve experienced my fair share over the years), it’s even more irresponsible for someone with no medical background to be handing out advice based on a poor or nonexistent understanding of the problem.

        1. Katie the Fed*

          Yes! So many people said the best thing I could do when I was recovering was walk a lot. It was actually a really bad idea for reasons I don’t want to get into. Bad advice can be legitimately harmful.

          1. fposte*

            I’m going to laugh at you slightly, though, because you advised me to just walk following my back surgery when things took a very non-walking turn. So maybe we should all remember we’ve been on both ends of that conversation :-).

            1. Katie the Fed*

              You know, I was thinking of that earlier and I was wondering if I’d given you any stupid advice because I know now what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that.

              I’m sorry! Truly. I didn’t know!

              I’ve been humbled in many ways this year. I also used to walk really fast and get annoyed by slow walkers; guess who’s the annoying slow walker now? :)

              1. fposte*

                Well, you were only off by a little, because walking was a good idea again in a couple of weeks–just not right then. And I’m sure I’ve done it to somebody too and it was just my turn to be the recipient.

                And it’s not like you recommended yoga :-).

        2. Observer*

          it’s even more irresponsible for someone with no medical background to be handing out advice based on a poor or nonexistent understanding of the problem

          The issue here is not the lack of medical background, but the lack of knowledge of the particular issue. I’ve seen EXCELLENT advice from non-professionals. And, I’ve seen some ridiculous stuff from people with the appropriate background. The key is knowing your limits and knowing the actual situation.

          I’ll grant that you are much more likely to see uninformed advice from non-professionals, because doctors have a lot of incentive to keep their mouth shut when they are not being consulted in a formal capacity.

      3. Stephanie*

        Yeah, this was my response when I got bad or obvious job searching advice. I knew people were just trying to be helpful and saying why showing up to the company unsolicited in person was a terrible idea wouldn’t go over well.

    2. katamia*

      Ugh, I couldn’t agree more. Yoga is the worst for this, too (at least for my condition, which is why I never talk about it with other people anymore). EVERYONE wants to suggest yoga, as if in 2015 most people still haven’t heard of it. I didn’t like yoga before I had this condition (found it incredibly boring and unpeaceful), and I’m not going to bother with it now because I have alternatives that do work when I’m feeling well enough to do them. (And if I’m not feeling well enough, I’m certainly not feeling well enough to do yoga, tyvm.)

      1. Katie the Fed*

        ha, yes! Ohhh yoga! What a unique idea! It changed your life? Please, tell me more while I imagine choking you with a $200 pair of Lululemon pants.

        God, I’m cranky. Ha! I actually like yoga but I need to be really careful because I’m such a mess right now. It’s not the right time.

        I still vote for one day a year when we could say exactly what we think to everyone with no fear of social blowback :)

        1. katamia*

          I grew up dancing and loved it (thank you, teenage knee injury, for making that–and many other things–difficult) and just…don’t enjoy sitting still. It’s basically the opposite of what I want to be doing at any given moment, and it’s what a lot of the yoga I’ve done has been geared around. Which leads to “OMG when can I stop sitting still this is awful how is everyone else enjoying this” etc. running through my head when I try. So no more. I’d love to do tai chi if my knee is ever better enough (surgery twice, and apparently I can’t work a desk job because I can’t sit/stand long enough consistently to do my work without damaging the knee further) because you get to MOVE.

          One day a year to be able to say what’s really on my mind to some people would be GREAT. If only….

          1. katamia*

            (And, just because I mentioned never talking about my condition in my first comment, just wanted to say that the knee injury is, unfortunately, not the condition I’m referring to that I never talk about, lol. I’m pretty open about the knee issues.)

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Festivus! The Airing of Grievances! :)

          I get you. I’m losing safe spaces where I can vent about the whole no-SO thing because people keep forcing advice on me. “You should try [thing I’ve already tried four million times with no result and told you I already tried it, thanks].” Or “I did this and if you do it, it will work for you. You did? And it didn’t work? Well you must not have done it the way I did, because it works!” Or “Ask around and see if anyone knows anybody.” “Great–you know anyone?” “Nope, sorry, I don’t.” ARRRGHHH

          Just. Stawp.

          1. Katie the Fed*

            Oh that sucks. I had a dream when I was napping earlier today that my husband left me and what had me most upset was the thought of having to go through dating again. NO THANK YOU.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              I wouldn’t mind dating so much if I could actually do it!! I have not met anyone I wanted to go out with for a while (except one person who blew me off; screw him), and it’s not because I’m being “too picky.” There is literally nothing!

          2. Windchime*

            Elizabeth, I can so totally relate. Here is the one I hate the worst: “It’ll happen when you least expect it.” Or, “You will find someone when you stop looking.”. Oh, that’s great advice. It works in so many situations. Need a new job? It’ll find you when you stop looking. Car broke down? It’ll get fixed when you least expect it. Lost your keys? You’ll find them when you stop looking.

            Grrrrrr. These things are always said, smugly, by someone who is happily paired up.

            1. Observer*

              Lost your keys? You’ll find them when you stop looking.

              Nope, you’ll find them the day after you make a new set.

              Seriously speaking, though, that piece of advice always confounds me. Yes, it’s true that you shouldn’t put the rest of your life on hold while looking. And you shouldn’t be looking so desperately that you come off as needy or man hungry or something like that. Also, often a good strategy is to do things you would enjoy and join groups that formed around that activity. But, aside from the fact that you’ve probably gotten that advice umpteen time, those are all very different from “stop looking”.

              I like your comparison to job hunting. Yes, things do sometimes fall into your lap. But who ever tells someone “You want a new job? Well, you need to stop looking and then it will happen.”

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                I really like Carolyn Hax’s take on it, which is the uber-practical: You might never find someone! So if you assumed that would be true, what would you want the rest of your life to look like? Start building that life now.

                2. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  But that’s actually the only practical advice! If someone does come along, then great — but since nothing is guaranteed, it makes sense to figure out how to arrange your life in ways that make you happy based on things as they stand now. There’s zero downside to doing that, whether you eventually pair off or not.

                4. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  I don’t think it’s glib. She’s not saying “and you’ll never be lonely.” She’s saying that too often people put their lives on hold in various ways while they wait for a life partner to come along, and that people are more likely to get better outcomes for themselves (defined as maximum chance at a happy, fulfilling life, even if unpartnered, even if even still lonely) if they don’t.

                5. Observer*

                  @Elizabeth West, I think you miss her point. It’s not that you won’t be lonely or shouldn’t look. But, in the meantime, do the things you want to do and don’t put your life on hold. You won’t be less lonely if you put your life on hold and focus only on searching. On the contrary, while all of these activities are not likely to take the place of having a close relationship, they can help fill some of the emptiness. It’s a nice side benefit is that they make your search more likely to succeed.

                  But the bottom line is that living your life to the fullest has no downside, is not going to make you MORE lonely and is likely to make the loneliness easier to deal with.

                6. Elizabeth West*

                  Well I can see that, I guess. But I wish people would stop assuming that 1) I’m not doing stuff (because I am), and 2) that doing everything alone is still fulfilling. Maybe it is for some people, but it’s not for me, and fake-it-til-you-make-it gets old.

                7. Dan*

                  @Observer

                  And by living your life to the fullest, you’re more likely to come across as a happy person who enjoys life. *Those* are the people that attract romantic attention. I’ve learned how to be someone I would want to spend time with, and it pays off in dividends.

          3. Tris Prior*

            Out of curiosity, what would be a helpful response? I’m not being snarky; I have a friend who has the same issue and I am genuinely unsure what I can say in response when she tells me she’s afraid she will never find a partner. I try to be validating in the “I’m sorry, that sounds really hard” sense but that seems dismissive and maybe smug?

            1. Elizabeth West*

              Nope, that’s perfect. Give her a safe space to share her feelings. When you start pushing advice, it’s no longer a safe space, and then she won’t share with you because you’ve turned into the Advice Dalek and now she must run, run. At least, that’s my experience.

              Some people do that with all stuff though; I don’t like to talk about writing with them because then the litany changes to, “You know what you should do; why don’t you self-publish; just put it out there; you have to do X Y Z.” They quite literally have NO IDEA about anything publishing-related whatsoever, but they feel they must “help.” I can’t tell them any facts, which I have taken the time to actually learn, because then I’m being “negative. You’re being negative; you will publish something when you stop being negative.”

              At this point, all the advice, be it romantic or professional, starts to sound like criticism from which you must defend yourself. It’s fucking exhausting.

              1. Lore*

                That’s the key insight there, I think: the line where advice crosses into criticism of whatever it is you’re doing now. You obviously know it’s not getting the precise results you desire but that does not necessarily mean you’re doing something wrong…just that no situation is one size fits all.

              2. HR Newby*

                I’m trying to understand why you feel the need to engage everyone about your life. Maybe that’s not the case, but when you vent and kvetch, people WANT to help. If you truly don’t want any advise, etc, just shut it down in the beginning. It’s perfectly fine to say you just want an ear, and are not looking for words of wisdom. As Dr Seuss so eloquently put it “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

    3. fposte*

      Heh. I had the same last year with my back surgery. People really, really, want to help. Which is nice, until they actually try to do it.

      Can you shift the narrative, maybe? “I’ve actually got the physical side covered, but I hope I can count on you for emotional support.” What are they going to say, no?

      1. Katie the Fed*

        OOoh I like that. With good friends I can just say “hey, it adds to my stress when you give me advice like this. I know you mean well, but I’m just weird and it stresses me out so can you just be there for me please?”

      4. Dynamic Beige*

        Or maybe “I discussed that with my physiotherapist/other professional and they said that it would interfere with my current treatment plan, but thanks for the suggestion :)” And then use Punctuation Substitution in your mind http://www.zefrank.com/punc/ Warning: NSFW

      5. Lore*

        Yes! That also works, from experience, with the category of well meant romance advice. Sometimes you need to specify that you’re emphatically not asking for advice because you really have been there done that, just emotional support.

    4. literateliz*

      Ha, I love fposte’s suggestion. If it’s any comfort, whenever I see this go down on Facebook (far too often, sigh), I always think that the people giving unsolicited advice are morons, and I don’t think I’m alone in that. They’re the ones who look bad, not you.

      Also, in the spirit of your comment about choking them with Lululemon pants (lolol), one of my friends recently posted a rant about a yoga instructor (he’s a Zumba instructor and they were fighting over their class times or something) and ended it with the hashtags #DownwardFacingMouth and #NamaStayAwayFromMe. Ha.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Ha, I love those! Glad to know I’m not the only super snark :)

        I’m sure this whole issue touches on mommy issues for me, because my mom is the ABSOLUTE worst at giving terrible advice about everything (she’s one of the ones that would make Alison cringe about workplace advice). And then when I politely try to tell her that no, you can’t sue for X, Y, or Z, I get accused of being stubborn.

        Whee, pass the eggnog! We’re going to need it up in here!

    5. Mike C.*

      I don’t see the problem with the last part, but most folks know better than to suggest yoga to me. :p

    6. LisaLee*

      Yeah, I had a jackass on facebook tell me to take green tea rather than ibprofen because ibprofen is “made in a lab” and “not of Mother Nature.” The fact that green tea does jack shit for the inflammation caused by my autoimmune disease did not seem to dissuade him.

      Some people.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        And thank God for that lab because I’ve probably consumed 3 pounds of ibuprofen this year.

      2. Moonpie*

        That made me think of two things in agreement. 1) “It’s all natural” as a benefit peeves me to no end, because I desperately want to say “So is rattlesnake venom, want some?” 2) A therapist from a cancer treatment center told me a woman had an aggressive course of radiation and chemo prescribed but it wasn’t working. One day he saw her in the waiting room first and noticed her travel mug. She said a friend had told her green tea was exactly what she needed to heal so she was downing it constantly. Unfortunately, she’d failed to mention that to her actual medical provider who could have warned her that its anti-oxidant properties were actually blocking the oxidants in the chemo that were supposed to be attacking the cancer cells! They had to completely stop treatment (and I don’t know how her story ended).

        1. Observer*

          “It’s all natural” as a benefit peeves me to no end, because I desperately want to say “So is rattlesnake venom, want some?”

          My father’s response was like yours, just his example was typhus (something he had personal experience with). He’s sometimes follow up with some other highly dangerous diseases that were becoming a rarity in the US.

    8. Sydney Bristow*

      I’ve dealt with chronic insomnia for much of my life so I definitely hear you on the unsolicited advice that you’ve already heard/tried/can’t try for some specific reason. I’ve quit mentioning it to anyone except my doctor.

      My sister gets horrible migraines often and gets an incredible amount of unsolicited advice. I did watch her receive a brand new piece of advice a few weeks ago that she had never heard before. It had to do with some specific ear piercing thing. Unfortunately she is too scared of getting it done but it was fascinating to see her get new advice since that hasn’t happened since the first few months she started getting migraines.

      1. Observer*

        There is also a difference between “Have you tried or considered a, b or c?” vs “You jut need to do a, b and c. You already tried? You must have been doing it wrong. You’re doctor told you that it’s not appropriate for you? He’s an idiot (even though he’s been right about everything else) because this is EXACTLY what *everyone* should be doing.”

    9. Mimmy*

      First, I’m sorry to hear that you’re still struggling with your injuries :(

      Second – I do think people have the best of intentions when they give advice, but you’re right in that in can be harmful in many instances, particularly when you have a doctor *explicitly* telling you to be careful. I think people think yoga is all just sitting on a mat and getting yourself all centered and all that jazz. Nope – lots of twisting, bending, balancing!

      I’d say either say “thank you for the advice” or don’t engage at all. Hopefully they’ll take the hint.

      ((gentle hug)) you do what’s best for YOU!

    10. Diluted_TortoiseShell*

      Ugh. Yes it’s so annoying! I also noticed a huge increase in unsolicited medical advice after I gained weight from an injury. That injury is mostly healed, so I am making the slow trek of weight loss and occasional experience a sports injury as I push the limits of what my healing/improving body can do.

      I got acute tendentious in my foot earlier this year. All you can do with that sort of injury is RICE. Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation. A lot of my marathon running co-workers made comments like:

      – You should just push through the pain. That’s what I do.
      – Pushing a tendon injury could lead to a serious injury needing surgery to correct it. It’s not muscle soreness.
      – Oh well I guess you and I have different philosophies on fitness

      Yeah people can be jerks.

      1. Dan*

        Maybe the delivery isn’t coming out right in a text forum, but I don’t think it’s jerky to end a conversation with “I guess you and I have different philosophies on X.” It’s clearly true and a rather civil way to move on.

          1. Dan*

            To me, passive-aggressive is really only a “thing” if you’re avoiding saying what’s really on your mind in the first place.

            Once it’s clear you’re not going to establish common ground or get someone to change their mind, the only issue I’d have with that phrasing is if it’s delivered in a condescending manner, ie “my way is right, too bad you’re too stupid too see it that way.”

        2. Observer*

          Actually, it’s clearly NOT true. Because this is not about “philosophy” of fitness. It’s about ignorance of fitness. In this type of case, this kind of comment is generally a pseudo polite way of saying, “Well, I guess you to stubborn and lazy / wimpy / ignorant to understand the manifest advantages of MY way of doing things, and I have no interest in the supposed facts you are talking about, so I’ll just drop the discussion.”

          1. Katie the Fed*

            That’s totally how I read it. Or like this:

            “Well, I guess you don’t really care about fitness. If you did you’d do it my way. Since you’re not I have to assume you’re too lazy to really try.”

    11. Dan*

      This whole giving/getting advice is very much an art.

      I’m not a FB’er so can’t comment on the culture/customs there, but here what drives me nuts are people who write in asking for advice, and then argue with the advice they’re given. This is a free site, nobody is obligated to help you. If the advice doesn’t work, thank them if you’re so inclined, and move on. I’m certainly not obligated to come up with something that *does* work for you.

      What do you ultimately hope to get at by engaging with the FB yoga crowd?

      I could tell you to find a different doctor who embraces yoga (ha), but the reality is you won’t take that advice unless you were shopping for another doctor. If you’re open to that, you’d be posting something like “I have some concerns about my doctor, should I get a second opinion?” If you tell me your doctor doesn’t embrace yoga, I’m wasting my time pushing the issue with you, just as much as you are if you keep arguing with me ;)

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I’m not really sure what I hope to get out of it. In a way I feel like people are questioning my ability to research and make good decisions about my own care. And I’m very good at advocating with myself – I’ve already asked the doctors if I can start pilates/yoga/barre to get stronger. But I realize everyone doesn’t know that.

        I’m honestly an easily annoyed jerk lately. I know people mean well, it’s just not that simple.

        The good news is at some point I WILL be able to start all those things. Just not right now :)

        1. Dan*

          I find that happening more at work than my personal life. If we’re in a meeting, and I’m asked for an update on X, I might say that I’m struggling with the Y widget. Somebody will come back and say “Just try (some obvious thing) Z, it will solve your problem.” Uh, hello, do you think I’m too stupid to have considered Z on my own? And if it was such an easy answer to my problem, do you think I’d be telling you I still have a problem?

          My beef isn’t the solution proferred, but the intonation that “it’s so easy, why haven’t you figured it out on your own” and when I tell them I tried it and it didn’t work, they want to change the subject.

          I’d be fine with “Have you looked into Z” without the patronization intonation. And when I say yes and it didn’t work, a simple “crud. That’s the best I have off the top of my head” would be just fine and we can move on.

        2. Windchime*

          I wonder if you can just say, “I’m under the care of a physical therapist, but thanks!” So:

          Them: Have you tried yoga? It would really help.
          Katie: I’m under the care of a physical therapist, thanks. (with a smile)
          Them: But that’s all science-y and shit! Yoga!
          Katie: I’m under the care of a physical therapist, thanks.
          Them: Yoga! Yoga! Yoga!
          Katie: I’m under the care of a physical therapist, thanks.

          They will hopefully either become so bored with your answers that they will stop, or they will need to go center their chi.

  37. Carrie in Scotland*

    Last week there was a thread about Christmas films.

    This week, let’s talk about Christmas music and what song/carol etc makes you feel the Christmas spirit.

    1. Doriana Gray*

      Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is my favorite holiday song, followed closely by Boyz II Men’s “Let It Snow” and Judy Garland’s “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.”

      I also love A Motown Christmas – that’s probably been my favorite Christmas album since I was little.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Do you mean the Phil Spector Christmas Album? Because I love that. Especially the Ronettes’ version of Frosty the Snowman. I’ve had a big love of Motown my whole life.

        Also the Peter, Paul and Mary Holiday Concert. It’s not Christmas unless we play that. I was raised on it, thanks to my hippie parents.

        1. Doriana Gray*

          No, not a Phil Spector produced album. A Motown Christmas has songs by The Jackson 5, Stevie Wonder, The Temptations, The Supremes, and Smokey Robinson and The Miracles. The Temptations’ version of “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer” and “Silent Night” are epic.

      2. FiveByFive*

        I’ve seen a lot of people on here that like that Mariah Carey song – I thought I was the only one! Every time I hear it, I get the “EWWWW YOU ACTUALLY *LIKE* MARIAH CAREY OMG1@!!??!1?” You know… I don’t know that I have strong feelings one way or the other about her, but yeah, I think that’s a great Christmas song. Oh well, haters gon’ hate!

        Didn’t she also have a Christmas ballad? Miss you most at Christmas time or something like that? I think I used to have the CD back in the day.

        2. Doriana Gray*

          Yup, her Christmas album is glorious, I don’t care what anyone says. “Miss You Most At Christmas” was beautiful.

      3. Fish Microwaver*

        That’s interesting. Uber drivers are background checked where I am (not US) and have to update it yearly.

    2. Cruciatus*

      1) BNL’s God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman/We Three Kings
      2) Snoopy vs. the Red Baron (the version from Snoopy’s Christmas album)
      3) TSO’s Christmas Canon

    3. nep*

      Found a ‘Strings of Christmas’ CD at a garage sale during the summer. It’s wonderful.
      Even though I’m not into the religious aspects of Christmas, one of my favourites is O Holy Night.
      And I’ll always have fond memories of my dad listening to (and being moved to tears by) Bobby Darin’s Ave Maria at Christmastime.

          2. fposte*

            A lot of Christmas music does that to me. Including, embarrassingly, the Snoopy vs. the Red Baron mentioned above. Shut up, it’s nice when the cartoon dog has a detente with somebody who died a century ago.

    5. Former Diet Coke Addict*

      I’m really picky about my holiday music, which is why I restrict myself to my own ipod rather than listening to holiday channels. I dislike most popular entertainers’ Christmas albums, since in my mind there is One Definitive Version of most songs and I don’t like to hear too much deviation from it.

      Fairytale of New York is the most Now It Can Be Christmas song that I have, followed closely by U2’s Baby Please Come Home and the Eagles’ version of Bells Will Be Ringing. Sleigh Ride, I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas, Pretty Paper, Little Saint Nick, Sarah McLaughlin’s rendition of River, and Silver Bells are also right up there. I’ll Be Home For Christmas is one of my all-time favourites. On the religious side, O Holy Night, O Come O Come Emmanuel, Adeste Fideles, The Holly and the Ivy, Bring A Torch Jeannette Isabella, the Huron Carol, and We Three Kings round it out.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        I’m picky, too. But I have about 40 CDs I can choose from, so I can avoid the most treacly stuff (The Christmas Shoes *barf*). I have a wide variety of styles, from Louis Armstrong to The Dickies (seriously, you’ll never think of Silent Night the same way again).

        But in recent years, I’ve lost the spirit. I don’t decorate, listen to music, I avoid the movies and specials. I just don’t feel all that celebratory. :(

      2. Talvi*

        I’m also really picky, and also mostly listen to Christmas music on my ipod. Mine is composed of a lot of traditional carols, mixed with a handful of other songs – I just checked my Christmas music playlist, and I’ve got 3 versions of O Holy Night, 4 versions of O Come All Ye Faithful, 3 versions of Carol of the Bells, among others… Some songs do have One Definitive Version! Nat King Cole’s The Christmas Song, for example, or Bing Crosby’s White Christmas. I think it has something to do with pacing – if the version I am used to is slower or faster than the one I’m hearing, it really throws me.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, I’m also a huge Carol of the Bells fan, and I adore Nat King Cole’s The Christmas Song. (Though O Holy Night doesn’t do it for me.)

          I grew up with the Robert Shaw Chorale Christmas music and loved it with a fierce passion all year round; sometimes I’d get to go to sleep in the sofabed in the living room as an exotic treat (oh, to be young enough again to find sleeping in a sofabed a treat) and my parents would let me play that music on the stereo until I fell asleep. It’s a little still a little weird to me to hear it without vinyl scratch and pop.

          1. Sydney Bristow*

            Carol of Bells is my absolute favorite. I really like the Trans Siberian Orchestra song that includes it, but I always forget which one it is at first.

    6. Charlatan*

      I like Little Drummer Boy and We Three Kings and I love David Bowie & Bing Crosby’s Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy. I have to seek out the video every year just so I can giggle at the absurd little chat they have before they start singing.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        See, I hate Little Drummer Boy, always have. The only one I can stand is Beck’s Little Drum Machine Boy. I dunno why, it’s just one of those things.

        1. Mimmy*

          I was never a fan of Little Drummer Boy either. The only version I like is sung by Patty Loveless and another woman who’s name I forget – it’s on Patty’s Christmas album.

    7. Lady Bug*

      Snoopy’s Christmas is my favorite. Besides that I like funny ones like Run DMC’s Christmas in Hollis, Kinks’ Father Christmas, Pogues’ Fairytale of NY, Corey Taylor’s Xmas.

      1. Former Diet Coke Addict*

        I have a hard time admitting it, but I really love novelty/funny Christmas songs. Run DMC, I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas, Donde Esta Santa Claus, Dominick the Donkey, Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, Bob and Doug’s Twelve Days of Christmas, and so on.

        I also really love the Christmas comedy bits: Santa Claus and His Old Lady (Cheech and Chong), and Frank Kelly’s Christmas Countdown. “Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house. We cannot use the bathroom now because they’ve gone completely savage and rush the door every time we try to enter.”

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I’m not a big fan of Christmas music (probably from skating and having to listen to it before Halloween, as we all pick stuff for the holiday ice show), but I love the soundtrack to A Charlie Brown Christmas. It’s got Christmas carols, but it’s all smooth jazz and it is SO NICE. Look for the Vince Guaraldi Trio.

      1. Doriana Gray*

        I love this soundtrack too. We used to sing some of the songs on it with the same arrangements in my high school choral groups.

      2. pony tailed wonder*

        I gave that cd to my niece when she was three. Her parents later had a small party at their house in May after her first dance recital and she was allowed to pick out the music. She went for the Charlie Brown cd and just couldn’t understand why her dad wouldn’t put it in the player. She didn’t have a melt down but she did have puppy dog eyes going as she would repeatedly caress the cd case and wander around the house and sigh deeply.

    9. GOG11*

      I listened to Pentatonix’s Christmas album on repeat today while wrapping gifts and doing some online Christmas shopping. My favorite is probably Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies, but they all got me into the Christmas spirit.

    11. So Very Anonymous*

      Favorites going back to childhood: Joan Baez’ Noel and Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass Christmas album. (The James Bond-ified version of “My Favorite Things” always makes me smile). Also, the Nutcracker Suite music.

      I always try to get my parents a retro holiday music CD for Christmas. This year I think it’s going to be Judy Collins.

      Christmas music I could comfortably never listen to again, but is a family member’s favorite: John Denver and the Muppets. Fortunately, I only have to listen to that when I’m at my parents’ house…. not for the whole Christmas season.

    13. Carrie in Scotland*

      I have a ton:

      The Pogues’ Fairytale of New York, Coldplay’s Christmas Lights, Shakin’ Stevens’ Merry Christmas Everyone, the original Bank Aid Song, Wham!’s Last Christmas, Jona Lewie’s Stop the Cavalry, Chis de Burg’s A Spaceman came Travelling.
      Lastly it’s Carol of the Bells with is from the West Wing episode Noel which coincidentally, also features in an ER episode where Bradley Whitford guest-stars.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      Silent Night. Christmas eve, in a church with no electrical lights just candles. It takes my knees away.

    15. Diluted_TortoiseShell*

      I love “walking in the air”

      I can’t stand “I’ll be home for Christmas” though. I use to like the song but one year I was stuck in the airport for two days thanks to winter weather and every time that song played it just made me more angry and miserable. That feeling is now permanently associated with that song.

    16. Lore*

      My SO has a truly epic collection of Xmas music and does a holiday mix every year. The two that have stuck with me from last year are Nick Lowe’s “Christmas at the Airport” and a song whose chorus goes “We’re the antisocial young Americans’ christmas lovers brigade.” Early contenders this year include Rob Halford (from Judas Priest)’s album. And an all time winner is a version of “We Three Kings” by an obscure alt rock band called The Odds. Oh and also The Ramones, “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight)”–“where is Blitzen baby” gets me every time.

    17. Anonymous Educator*

      I appreciate the classics (even the newer classics), but right now I’m favoring the more obscure:

      “Christmastime” by Kayjez and “Christmas After All” by Maria Taylor. Also, a cover of Wham’s “Last Christmas” by The Puppini Sisters.

  38. Not So NewReader*

    Is this normal?
    I called the phone company because my line is dead at the junction box. I called on Friday afternoon.
    The phone company (rhymes with horizon) will not come until Monday, some time between 8 and 12.
    Oh yeah, they had a truck several blocks over working on something else.

    On a hunch, I checked online to see if a service request was had been put on my account and there wasn’t one! I had to do an IM to put in a service request. So apparently, when I phoned in a request they never started a ticket?

    Meanwhile, I am spending the weekend with no phone. Cells are super spotty here. And cable drops out randomly. There are parts of my county where the cable company has already said they will never run cable in that area. grrr.

    Does anyone have a landline phone company that does repairs on the weekends?

    1. fposte*

      Wow, that’s annoying. I know AT&T has come out on weekends around here, but the incidents I’m remembering are when multiple houses have an outage due to weather, tree down, etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if a single household had the same wait time as you, though they might phrase it as “getting to you in the next 48-72 hours” rather than outright saying “In other words, not until Monday.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This is the funny/odd part. The lady was not even going to pretend that anything might happen. She said no help until Monday. What if I had a person here in bad health and I was absolutely dependent on having a phone?
        Old fashioned thinking, I guess. This company thinks we are still in a 9-5 world with Sunday blue laws.
        It did give me an opportunity to do some research. I think that by canceling my “Horizon” Phone I can save enough money to pick up a cell and still have a cable phone. My objection to cable phone was that the cable goes out here so much. But it seems that the cable gets repaired quicker than the phone, the cable company does not leave us hanging for days and days. My neighbor’s cell seems to be working modestly well, too, so there is that.
        This has been a learning experience for sure.

    2. Not Karen*

      I don’t know about landlines but I do know that that particular company is known for terrible customer service.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        From talking to their employees, these folks are as burned out as the cable company employees. It’s baaaad.

    3. danr*

      No.. I have the same one. But here is some trouble shooting from a similar problem. If there is a short in one phone it will take all of them out and make the line seem dead. Take all of your phones off of the line, then put one back on at a time and see if you get a dial tone. If you do, take it off and put the next one on. Once you find the dead phone, put the others back on one by one. The phone repair guy told me this as he tested each phone. He found the dead one, put the others back online and the ‘dead’ line came to life.
      I have the inside wire maintenance plan and it paid off with this one service call.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Oh gosh, we spent hours with such things, try this, try that. Finally my friend went outside with a corded phone. He plugged it in to the junction box. It was dead. So the signal is dead before it even gets into the house. But you raise a good point, that if a person does not have a maintenance plan and the problem is inside the house it’s spendy to get it fixed. I was informed that if the problem was on my end it would be $93 per hour to fix it. grrr…

        1. Observer*

          Even with a decent phone service company, that’s a good idea to try. It can save you tons of time.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Grr! I don’t have any experience with them, but I’ve heard their customer service sucks. I hope it gets fixed soon.

      I had a similar issue with Mediacom Cable (I have internet with them). It went down and would not come back up when I tweaked the modem. I suspected an outage, and called, but CSRs did not know of one. I tweeted about it and BOOM they responded right away. It was an outage, and they were able to cancel the service call the CSR booked (that’s all they know to do).

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Thanks, all. You verified my thinking that is some changes here would be a good idea. I will start working on making these changes.

    6. Observer*

      My sympathies.

      A few things I would consider, if you can.

      1. Check out if any other cell service provider provides better service in you very specific area (ie not your town, but your block.) In our case, in the building I work in, we used to be able to get very solid ATT service and decent T-mobile (I think they were roaming on AT&T), but Verizon was very, very spotty and Sprint you could forget about. (I don’t know about any of the regional carriers.) After Sandy, Verizon had to do a huge amount if work in our neighborhood, and now Verizon works nicely in our building.

      2. If your cell provider offers one, or if you can get one from elsewhere, look into getting a femto cell (or micro cell). These provide cell signal in your home, but require an internet connection.

      3. See if there is something like a Public Utilities Commission that your carrier might be responsive to.

      4. See if you can push local elected politicians to sit on Verizon to improve infrastructure – especially to roll out fiber to the “last mile” (ie you home.)

      I was reluctant to completely turn off our phone service and go to ip phone, because standard phone service is the only thing that stays up in the case of a power outage. So we wound up dropping out phone service down to the basics, and moved internet to the local cable provider. That actually came out less expensive than going with the cable provider’s “package’ deal, since we don’t want TV.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Thank you for this.
        It’s a big kerfuffle here. The county is trying to figure out how to get internet through out the county. And the internet company does not want to budge. So this will be a while. The town does fairly well as they manage to convince the cable company to add ten more miles of coverage every year. But at this rate it will be the year 3000 and something for the town to be entirely covered.

        The story about cell towers is about the same type of story.

        You jogged my memory, I have to follow up on the local cable provider. I think there might be a new one.
        Anyway, thanks for this!

    7. Lore*

      When I had issues with the same company the weekend before Thanksgiving, the first service appointment they initially offered me was on the weekend…only it was 8 days later (I called on a Friday and they were offering me an appointment for the following Saturday). I was able to keep escalating to managers until they offered me an appointment the next day–fortunately, it was out at the box for my block so I didn’t need to be there for it; unfortunately, it was a fairly substantial problem so it ended up taking till Wednesday to fix it. I will say, the individual customer service representatives vary enormously in competence and helpfulness; I think they must have multiple different centers all over the world because sometimes I’m clearly talking to someone local and sometimes I’m talking to someone who literally cannot grasp the concept of apartment buildings. So I have good results, when I’m not getting the service I need, by simply calling back and speaking to someone else. (Of course, in this same incident, they also offered to send me some sort of temporary wireless device that would substitute for my phone lines but would only ship it FedEx to arrive on a day I couldn’t be home, and the day before they hoped to have the repair completed, so I asked them not to send it. They then sent it anyway (and continued to attempt delivery even after I called FedEx to cancel the shipment), as well as forwarding my calls to a voice mailbox I couldn’t set up without the device, which I’d asked not to receive! So whereas with my line out, I could still get voicemails and check them from my cell phone, now I couldn’t do anything. Unfortunately, I have limited alternative options–I tried VOIP at one point and it was a complete disaster; I don’t actually want cable television and I can’t figure out a way to get phone and internet service from one of the cable companies (phone/internet/TV or internet only, yes, but not two out of three without TV); FIOS hasn’t wired my block yet. So I gripe, and live with it.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Wow, that is an epic story about the cell. I almost feel better about my setting here. I am sorry you had such a rough time there. I was wondering if VOIP would help me here, but am guessing not.
        You make a good point about finding a different rep by calling back. I thought I was in trouble when the rep introduced herself as “Mrs. Smith”. What’s up with the formality? Well, it’s her name, so I decided to roll with it. After I hung up, that still bugged me so I checked my account online and sure enough, no service ticket.

        The cable company won’t let you just have phone and internet? How bizarre is that? “No, no, we don’t want your biz, you can keep your money. We are good here.” Just. wow.

        1. Lore*

          It’s possible there’s a way to do it if you call them–I just can’t get even a vague sense of pricing from their website because they clearly don’t want you to do it…and our local cable co has a worse reputation than the phone company for customer service!

          1. Observer*

            If they are like the folks here, the ONE thing their people are good at is signing you up. Getting the setup correct is another kettle of fish, of course. But, they will let you sign up for just phone and internet quick quickly. They WILL try to upsell you, of course. Some of their sales people sound genuinely confused at someone who GASP doesn’t do TV. But, if you are firm, they will sign you up.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Just as a follow up if anyone is reading, I stayed home from work to wait for the phone company. I called at 9:30 to find out when they were coming. “What repair call?” Someone had canceled my request. So no one came.
      I put in another request. She said she would send me an email confirming the appointment. I never received her email. I hope they come tomorrow.

  39. Hlyssande*

    I had a broken tooth extracted yesterday in prep for getting an implant. I didn’t see dentists for years due to trauma from childhood, but it went as well as it possibly could. I should’ve taken the whole xanax instead of half, but it was mostly okay. Only really hurt once and they backed off and numbed me some more.

    I was surprised about the prescription for serious painkillers, but by the time I’d picked them up and gotten home I was just about in tears, so. Thanks, doc!

    Now to eat rice pudding.

    1. Katie the Fed*

      Aww that’s very painful! I’m glad you were able to get the surgery done. Hooray for the good painkillers. I’ve only been able to sleep this week with a healthy (perhaps not) dose of opiate painkillers. My husband thinks it’s hilarious because he can tell the EXACT moment they hit because my face relaxes and I get a nice dumb smile and start to fade away. Glad they gave you the good stuff.

      And, I’m going to break my own rule against unsolicited advice – if your doctor didn’t mention, opiate painkillers can, um, back you up. I had a Costco bag of prunes as my constant companion for a while. TMI, sorry!

      1. Hlyssande*

        Oh, I know about the backing up properties! When I had my very first diverticulitis flare a few years ago, I became very well-acquainted with that fact – and with the prescription strength softener they gave me at the same time. It was rough!

        Even with the half xanax, I was almost shaking for most of it. I totally DID shake and tremble and cry a little as it finally pulled free. My dental trauma is specifically related to tooth extractions, so I’m proud of myself for not screaming and thrashing.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        OH YEAH. They gave me hydrocodone after GB removal and that stuff makes it really hard to pee. Though for about three seconds when it kicked in, I would not have cared. :)

        1. Katie the Fed*

          They gave me a xanax AND morphine in my IV before I went in for surgery earlier this year because I was so freaked out and in so much pain. ERMAGAWD. I understand how people get hooked on heroin because that one moment when the morphine hit was just amazing.

          1. fposte*

            For me, oral stuff creeps up on me, but the IV is like falling off a cliff. “I’m fine, I’m fine–oh, WOW.” And then I’m out like a light, because I’m a lightweight.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              The IV I got before the surgery only made me loopy. I was cracking jokes in the OR and nobody was laughing–I was all, “You guys have no sense of humour!”

              The hydrocodone had that three seconds of WHEEEE and then it knocked me out. I hated it so much I tried to go off it too early, and it wasn’t until then when I realized just how sore your insides can get when people have been paddling around in them. >_<

          2. the gold digger*

            Again, envious sort of. Vicodin takes away pain for me, but will not get me high. Although maybe I am just not taking enough? If I take an entire tablet – even with food – I will throw up.

            I feel a little bit cheated. :)

          3. Hlyssande*

            I know! It just goes WHOOSH and then nothing hurts.

            I was given morphine once in the ER when I had the worst cramps of my life and thought something was horribly wrong. The doc was an utter JERK the whole time (even when I was clearly freaking out) but the morphine made things much, much better for awhile.

      3. Nina*

        +1. When I had my wisdom tooth removed a few years ago, they prescribed Tylenol with Codeine for the pain and wow, I wouldn’t have taken them so often if I had known what they do to the digestive tract. Ick.

        1. Hlyssande*

          Oooh, yeah – I had the same thing when I got my wisdom teeth out (all four at once). It helped a lot but I definitely needed to up my water intake to make up for the side effects.

          I unfortunately got dry sockets on both bottom ones and then strep throat. :(

      4. the gold digger*

        You can sleep with opiates? I am envious. A quarter tablet of Vicodin will take away pain (I have had five gum grafts in the past two years and am becoming well acquainted with just how much opiate I need) and make me sleepy, but it will not let me sleep. So when I need it, I have to take it early in the day (with food, or else I will throw up) and then switch to something else after 6 p.m.

        1. Katie the Fed*

          Yes! Right now it’s the ONLY way I can sleep, because otherwise I’m writhing in pain. And they make me nice and relaxed.

          1. the gold digger*

            I am glad they work for you. I am very fortunate that I very rarely need a strong painkiller (migraines excepted, but those are only a few times a month). I hope you get better soon.

            1. Katie the Fed*

              yeah I don’t enjoy being on them – I actually refused to take them earlier this year when advil did the job well enough.

              Thanks – hopefully not much longer.

        2. fposte*

          I think that’s not uncommon–my reaction isn’t as marked as yours, but it’s the same “makes me sleepy, ain’t going to sleep” thing. Even with Tramadol, which is annoying, as that’s pretty useful at times.

    2. danr*

      I had that for two extractions. I didn’t have xanax for the first one and it was horrible, for me and the dentist (she hates causing pain). I had it for the second one and it was much better. I also used the xanax for the procedure to set the implants and those went very easily.

      1. Hlyssande*

        Thanks for chiming in! When I have the implant put in I will definitely take the whole xanax instead of a half. I have a check in 2 months and we can hopefully do it then.

        I only really needed the vicodin for that night and the next morning. What’s really terrible is the antiseptic mouthwash they gave me. Tastes so gross, but the bottle says that drinking water afterward will make it taste even worse. Ugh.

  40. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    I’ve passed the bar (attorney). The SO is in a masters program, he notes the legal field is rife with unemployment/underemployment (glut of attys, can’t argue with that). He is interested in taking the patent bar to be a patent agent though.

    What are the employment stats for patent agents (non-attorneys)? He has a technical field area of expertise and would come in having had a masters too.

    2. danr*

      No idea also, but congratulations too. And the attorney glut will be gone a a few years. Law school applications are down and the baby boomers will be retiring.

    3. Stephanie*

      I left that field a couple of years ago, so just guessing here. If he’s in life sciences, most places will prefer a PhD or lots of work experience (like 10+ years). Life sciences patents tend to be pretty specialized and need education/experience beyond the BS level. During the worst of the recession, it was pretty glutted, even for agents. The upside to being an agent is that if he finds the market is still glutted, he can just remove the registration number from his resume.

      Also, certain fields are hotter than others. Bio/pharma is hot, software is hot (although your average software patent is garbage). If he has, say a civil engineering degree, he would technically qualify to sit for the exam, but I wouldn’t say patenting in booming in that area.

      Unsure if firms are doing this anymore (although I did see one at an engineering conference recruiting within the last year), but tell him to look for “technical advisor” positions at a big IP firm like Fish and Richardson. They look for people with technical backgrounds and will help with the patent bar (and sometimes night law school). It’s a law firm, though, so they’ll work you.

  41. Basically Trash*

    I’ve been modeling for a local-ish photographer and tomorrow we’re celebrating the release of her latest project. She encountered some obstacles completing it so it’s great that she made it this far. Since I was a part of it I plan on going, but there was another event happening later that day I wanted to attend as well, so I asked if she’d be okay with that and all she said was “sure.” She’s been in a bad mood recently and often talks about how she busts her ass and no one cares about her, and I do want to respect her, so I feel like I really should attend the party in its entirety and miss the other event.

    Is it disrespectful to leave a party early to attend another event? Or is it less than ideal but not really a big deal?

    2. FiveByFive*

      I don’t think it’s disrespectful at all. Making the effort to be there is enough to show that you care. It should be understood that people do have other engagements to attend to. If she doesn’t understand, it kinda sounds like she has a self-pity thing going on, which I hope she doesn’t, because good for her on her accomplishment.

    3. FutureLibrarian*

      One of my closest friends is an artist, and attends many, many art shows.

      They are, in my experience with him, open houses. People come, look at the art, drink some wine/eat some food, and head out. Some people come from work, others come and go to other events, etc. If she expects everyone to show up and spend the entire evening there, that’s not much of an art show.

    4. pony tailed wonder*

      Maybe you can send her a short congratulations note through the mail in addition to going to the event?

    5. Mando Diao*

      People float in and out of art shows. Unless there’s some kind of presentation or music performance, it’s weird and awkward to stay longer than one or two drinks.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I am not sure if you mean disrespectful in general or if you mean will she feel disrespected. It sounds like she will not be a happy camper.
      First thing I would consider is her unhappiness a big deal to me? If no, then no problem.
      If yes, then I would figure out how I would balance out the two events you want to go to. Perhaps you can arrive later at the second event. Perhaps you can get to her event early and help with set up and greeting people. Or maybe you can do something special for her at a different time.

  42. Ruffingit*

    I recently watched the documentary Love Me on Netflix about men who travel to the Ukraine to try and find brides. It was really interesting. Anyone else seen it? I’d love to have someone to chat with about it.

    1. Katie the Fed*

      I missed it – will check it out. I find this concept fascinating. Do you know there are tourist destinations for middle-aged American/European women to troll for men too? British women go to The Gambia for that reason and Italians go to Zanzibar. Seriously!

      1. Former Diet Coke Addict*

        Is that the same concept? I was under the impression that men traveled to Ukraine/Eastern Europe to find brides, but traveled to Thailand and other parts of southeast Asia for, ahem, women to spend time with who wouldn’t exactly become their brides, if you know what I mean. And that women who traveled to The Gambia/Zanzibar/etc., were looking for more of the knocking-boots type fun than the wedding-bells type thing. Although I’ll freely admit that my entire knowledge on this topic is gleaned from watching documentary about mail-order/Internet brides, which is bizarrely fascinating to me.

        1. Katie the Fed*

          That’s true, actually. They’re not looking for husbands, just fun. Either way I’ll check it out

          1. Former Diet Coke Addict*

            I wondered if there was an epidemic of British women importing Gambian husbands that I hadn’t heard about! I’m so fascinated by the internet-bride trend–other good documentaries include In The Name Of Love and Seeking Asian Female, which is heartbreakingly weird.

            1. fposte*

              Oh, I never saw Seeking Asian Female but I read an fascinating article about how the filmmaker ended up being the couple’s translator and marriage counselor. I don’t know if I could stand to see the awkward unroll on film.

        2. Dan*

          Thailand makes headlines because of how “discounted” the companionship fee is, but the reality is that many countries (including the Ukraine) do have a thriving “companionship” industry. The stuff is legal/decriminalized/looked the other way upon in many a nation.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I watched it ages ago. (I’m a bit of a documentary junkie.) I felt really bad for that one guy whose name I can’t remember who seemed to actually hit it off with one of the women, but she ditched him, if I’m remembering correctly.

      There was one guy I haaaaaaated, who described himself as “virile” but pronounced it “viral”. That wasn’t the reason I hated him, but it didn’t help.

      1. Ruffingit*

        SPOILERS – Warning for those who haven’t seen the documentary.

        Viral guy was Ron from North Carolina. And yeah, he was something of a jerk to be sure.

        Bobby, the guy with the gold rose who was trying to date the Angelina Jolie lookalike…I mean come on. That guy was totally delusional.

        Michael is the guy from Australia who ends up with Svetlana who is so obviously uninterested in him. He ignored tons of red flags. I just couldn’t feel sorry for him either after I read an interview with the director of the documentary who said Michael asked the film crew for Rohypnol (more commonly known as the date rape drug) claiming it was so he could sleep. But, he also made some gross comments about Svetlana’s oldest daughter. That all happened off camera according to the director. UGH.

        I did some research on these guys because I was super curious what ended up happening to them. Travis, the farmer from Wisconsin, ends up marrying Vika, the money grubber. But, they got a divorce in May of this year after both were arrested and charged with disturbing the peace.

        1. Oryx*

          Yes yes, I’ve totally seen that one! (I’m also a bit of a documentary junkie.) It’s been awhile, kind of want to watch it again now because of this.

    3. Dan*

      I’ve seen a couple. I always wondered how it worked, and it turns out that if the documentary portrays this accurately, that these things are a lot more “real life” than I expected.

      This is going to sound stupid, but I was under some impression that if you have enough money, that you can just outright by a companion and live happily ever after. But gasp, these women are actually human, have their own wants/needs/desires, and family back across the Atlantic that must be visited. And some of these relationships don’t actually work out, and they end in divorce. Who would have thought.

      These “services” aren’t really true mail order types of things, they’re really more like international match making/dating sites. They more or less make the connections, and leave it up to both the male and female to see if something is actually going to happen.

      1. pony tailed wonder*

        I answer prisoner letters at the library I work at. There are a few who always inquire about dating services and foreign brides. I did research on them and while it seems as if there are a lot of different companies offering these services, it is mostly one or two companies with many different websites with different names.

    4. Windchime*

      I haven’t seen this but now I will add it to my list. I will, however, admit to a rather unhealthy interest in the show, “90 Day Fiance”. There is usually one couple who I am pretty sure will do fine (last year it was the young man from the US and the young lady from South Africa). I haven’t figured out who that couple is this year.

  43. Rebecca*

    Today I decided to put away my lazy pants and start making soap and candles again. I really like doing it, and while it is time consuming, it makes me happy. I’ll have to fit this in mostly on weekends, but if I plan ahead, I could get the oils measured ahead of time and make a batch of soap from time to time on work nights too. I’m also going to get the beef suet out of the freezer (I have 30 lbs or so) and I’m going to render it into tallow. I have a soap recipe that uses beef tallow that I scent with orange essential oil, and tint with a bit of orange tint, and it just smells so happy! Today I made two batches of hot process soap, and cleanup is a breeze. I hope to get 3 batches done tomorrow. The first will be cold process. That type makes me a bit nervous because the soap is caustic when it’s molded. I’m also going to make a chocolate spa soap, and that will go in the wooden mold my Dad made me, and the third one, I hope, is going to be a big batch of shampoo bars. I’d like to make another 6-8 batches more, but I haven’t decided on the types yet. It feels good to get back into my hobby.

      1. Rebecca*

        I came upon a website called Chickens in the Road, and they had a post about making home made soap in a slow cooker. I got brave and gave it a try! I was afraid of lye at first, and I still have a very healthy respect for it, but with the proper handling it’s safe. I also bought a book by Anne Watson called Smart Soapmaking. Most of my equipment is second hand, my glass bowls are from thrift stores, as is the stainless steel pan I use for cold process. I got pH test strips from Amazon :) I never buy soap at the store now.

  44. knitchic79*

    A friend at work put together an amazing 10 minute play festival a while back. Since I have a permit to serve alcohol I volunteered to act as bartender for a champagne toast. She just got a video of the event done for her college to distribute to program hopefuls/ investors and she actually put me in the credits. So sweet of her considering I honestly did not much. She’s amazing.

  45. Mae North*

    Alison, others may have mentioned this already, but I find the new ad section between the content and comments to be a bit excessive – on my iPad, the articles I’ve been reading today show ad blocks that are 3 screens long, so longer than the posts themselves, and in trying to scroll pat them I always end up clicking on either the ads or stuff in the sidebar and get my page redirected. The one I see on this post is about 2/3 of the screen, pretty much all the visible space above the keyboard section of my screen.

    Any chance you can limit the size of the ad section there in pixels, or limit it to text-only ads?

      1. KarenT*

        Could there be a browser or hardware issue for some readers? I’m not experiencing this at all and I’ve been lurking on and off all weekend. I am getting ads but they’re not pages long and I think I only get one per post.

  46. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I went to see a movie by myself tonight (I love doing this and haven’t in a very long time), and people would not. shut. up. I wish they would just stay home if they’re going to converse throughout the whole damn thing, but honestly, this all means that I will be the one who stays home. I love seeing movies on the big screen– there are so many nuances I miss on the small screen– and I used to love the communal experience of the theater, but all of these people talking ALL THE TIME… ugh. People in their 40s and older, so it certainly isn’t a “kid” problem. Is anyone else on the crotchety old lady moviegoer train with me?

    By the way, the movie was Brooklyn. I read the book last year and really enjoyed it, and the film was pretty darn good. Saoirse Ronan was great, the production design was top notch, and they achieved the same thing the book did, in my mind– revealing the underlying complexities of a story that seems very simple on the surface.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Nope, I’m right there with you. Other people is the reason I don’t go much anymore. Plus I prefer it for blockbusters and FX-heavy outings.

      One thing I started doing is waiting a week or two after a film opens and then going on Sunday, to the earliest show available, when everyone is in church. It’s usually fairly empty, and if I get there at least twenty minutes early, I can sit wherever I like (lower balcony seating, first row so I can sling my feet up in the rail). The only time I went to a film and it wasn’t dead on Sunday was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, but that was on opening weekend.

      1. FiveByFive*

        Other people is the reason I don’t go much anymore.

        Other people is the reason I don’t do a lot of things…

        :)

        2. Nicole*

          Your comment made me laugh in agreement. There are so many things I’d like to do and experience, and while I don’t necessarily hide in my home, I do find the general public rather irritating. Far too often what should have been a fun experience was ruined by someone behaving rudely.

    2. skyline*

      Me! I try to go to weekday afternoon shows preferably a couple weeks after the opening weekend. I don’t actually get too many weekdays off (my work schedule is slighty variable) but it’s one of my favorite things to do if I’m taking a staycation. This is how I’ve watched the recent Marvel movies, and this is how I plan to see the new Star Wars. I’m taking time off in early January since it’s my turn to be at work during the holidays.

      2. Dynamic Beige*

        When the last set of Star Wars movies opened (I think it was Phantom Menace that we went to see), tickets sold out everywhere, lines were around the block that night — but we went during the day and there were less than a dozen people in the theatre. So I saw it on what was technically the opening day, no lines, empty theatre. If there’s a theatre in your area that is running a movie 24 hours a day, try going at a time that isn’t prime time (6pm-10pm) and you’ll probably have better luck getting in. At least that’s my plan this December ;)

    3. KK*

      Have you tried going to a movie theater known for not allowing talking or cell phones? I’m thinking specifically of Alamo Draft house (famous for kicking out a patron who kept using their phone and was asked to leave) but I think there are others out there. Tickets are sometimes a bit pricier but I don’t recall ever paying more than $20 and it makes the whole experience so much more pleasant.

      1. SL #2*

        Alamo Drafthouse is TX-only right now but I’m very excited for the eventual opening of the LA location!

        3. KK*

          I got to know them while living in Austin and now that I live in the Bay area I can’t wait for the grand opening of their theater in San Francisco in the next couple of weeks!

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        We don’t have ’em here. I love Alamo.

        When I lived in NYC, I used to go to certain theaters because they were known for being “serious”. Even here, there are serious theaters and cinema clubs, but apparently that isn’t totally foolproof.

        1. TL -*

          The food is overpriced but okay (milkshakes and pizzas are the best). The best thing about the drafthouse is the special events.

    4. LisaLee*

      Yeah, that’s my mother. Our moviegoing often goes like this:

      *movie begins*
      “Who’s that?”
      “We don’t know yet, mom.”
      “Oh! He just killed that guy! Why’d he do that?”
      “I don’t know, that’s the plot of the movie.”
      “Oh, who’s that woman?”

      I’ve tried for many years to break her of this habit, but I think some people are just annoying moviegoers.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        My mother used to do the same thing. She probably still does, I don’t know, but the last time we went to a movie together, she shut up. It is the only behavior she has ever modified because I asked her. (She’s still rude to waitstaff and cashiers.) I consider this to be a major triumph.

    5. Lizabeth*

      Between the talking, babies crying and cell phones going off it takes A LOT for my sweetie to get me to a movie. Plus the price…it’s cheaper to wait until my library offers it for a week’s checkout for free and watch it at home. Our AAA stopped offering discount movie tickets and movie prices keep going up because the business model is dying. Did go see Spectre but ended up with my fingers in my ears the whole time because the sound was turned up high…ugh!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        My mum is a therapist and she puts cotton in her ears when she goes to the cinema. She says “I have to listen for a living,” and they do often turn the sound up way too high. She says it works just fine–she can still hear everything but it’s not quite so blaring.

    6. Mimmy*

      Yup, I’m on that train too, for a whole bunch of reasons (though we do go from time to time for movies that just *have* to be seen on the big screen)

      -The prices
      -People talking
      -Cell phone screens
      -People kicking my seat
      -Candy bag crackling

      But Star Wars….yeah that’ll be an exception :)

    7. Sydney Bristow*

      I love going to movies alone but am totally with you on the annoying chatty people. I’ll add people who play on their phones during the movie because I find the light really distracting.

      I totally ask people to be quiet. I think I got that trait from my stepmom who always did that when I was a kid. She also asked parents who stood in the aisles of children’s performances in order to get pictures to sit down. I’m amazed at how many people won’t speak up. I had to ask the family next to me at a Broadway show to be quiet multiple times once and after the show a couple of people sitting near me thanked me for doing so. That felt good to be validated but I thought it might have been more effective if they had shushed them too.

      For movies, I find that going to the first showing on a Sunday morning is normally less crowded.

    8. Blue_eyes*

      Right there with you! I don’t mind an occasional whispered comment to a companion (and I’m guilty of that myself), but ongoing talking is seriously annoying.

      Back in college my husband and I used to go on movie dates on Wednesdays. Mid-week evening, in the winter, in the suburbs of Minneapolis meant that we often had the theater all to ourselves – so we could talk as much as we wanted! It was pretty fun to have private screenings on the big screen, but we never would have dreamed of talking if there had been other people there.

      My current pet-peeve with movies is people bringing their children to inappropriate movies. My husband is very in to comic books and such, so we go to see all of the super hero movies that have been big lately. I can’t tell you how many people bring kids as young as 5 to PG-13 movies. And then the kids talk (because they’re bored or confused) and sometimes cry (because it’s too scary). Just because it’s about super heroes does not mean it’s for kids people!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I hate that. And babies. The sound is so loud–it can’t be good for their little ears.

        When Jurassic Park came out, I went with a friend and a family sat in front of us with a kid who couldn’t have been more than two, tops. During the T-rex attack (which scared me and still does!), that kid absolutely panicked. We could actually see him trembling in the dark, he was so scared. Tweedledum and Tweedledee just sat there and didn’t take him out. My friend and I were appalled–he wanted to say something to them, but I discouraged him, because they probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.

    10. Windchime*

      I go pretty much exclusively to a theater called Cinebarre. You have to be 21 to go there. They bring you drinks and food through the movie. Yes, the cost is higher but that is pretty much what keeps people from yakking and playing on their phones during the movie.

      I went to a live performance of holiday singing in a hall in Seattle last weekend. We had balcony seats, so I could seem much of the main floor during the performance. It was amazing how many people got their phones out during the performance and were playing on them. You just paid money for tickets to see this amazing group of artists perform! And now you are texting with you friends/playing Candy Crush!

      1. Nicole*

        This is exactly what I was going to post – why do people pay so much money for an event just to whip out their phone, talk, or get up a billion times to get food/drinks, thus missing most of the action? I have a real difficulty understanding it. Do we all have poor attention spans now? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been known to pull out my phone while watching something, but only when I’m at home. I would never do it in public because it’s rude to the people around me.

  47. GOG11*

    About a month ago, I got a supplement from my vet called cosequin for my senior cat who is 13 years old. He just jumped up on the TV stand and is swatting at animals and leaves on a nature program I’m watching. The TV stand is a go-to escape place for one of my other cats because Senior Cat NEVER gets up there. He’s also taken to climbing the Christmas tree and then shooting out from under it and doing laps around the living room at top speed. Normally he just slowly shuffles/waddles about the house. It’s so nice to see him feeling well enough to play like he used to.

    1. Allison Mary*

      That’s awesome, and I bet it’s very encouraging to you!

      I’ve been giving Cosequin to my 17 year old cat for maybe a couple of months now – and I was similarly impressed with how much more active she seemed to get after she’d been taking them for a little while. It’s great stuff, huh??

      1. GOG11*

        Yes, it is very encouraging! He’s always had a super healthy, shiny coat and I’ve kept him at a healthy weight, but his energy level has been what I’d expect for an older cat and seeing him play makes my day.

    2. knitchic79*

      That’s awesome! My kitty pants is 9, I think I’m going to look into this for her. She’s getting a bit lazy and her little brother dog missed playing.

      1. GOG11*

        I’d definitely recommend giving it a go if it is something that would be OK for your cat to take. My vet recommended it for my oldest cat and they said it’s okay if these others have some since they tend to play musical food bowls. I’m watching part two of the nature program I started last night and I just had to go retrieve him from the TV stand because he was pawing at the TV hard enough that there were little temporary lines left in his wake (it’s an LCD TV). He’s currently stalking a “wood rat”… and I couldn’t be happier!

  48. calibrachoa*

    So, anyone have suggestions on what to do/see in marrakesh, Morocco?

    Flying there next week to celebrate my 30th in the sun. :D

    1. SL #2*

      You’re probably the 4th person I’ve heard from this year who’s gone or is going to Morocco, compared to never hearing about anyone vacationing there before this year. Is traveling there suddenly super cheap (from the US, at least)?

      1. Graciosa*

        A fair amount of the most recent Mission Impossible movie was set there – I’m not sure if that is a sign of the trend or a contributing factor. ;-)

        1. calibrachoa*

          That is a really good point! Spectre, also, features Morocco. And so does Only Lovers Left Alive. Pop culture does things.

        2. SL #2*

          That makes sense. I didn’t see either MI or Spectre, so that also might explain why I’ve been so confused. I’m sure it’s a lovely destination regardless, though! Have fun, calibrachoa!

      2. Katie the Fed*

        I was just thinking that too – I know lots of people who have been to Morocco in the last year. Probably good deals being advertised. A few years ago everyone I knew was going to Iceland, and lately the Azores have also been big.

        I’ve never been to Morocco but I’d love to.

        1. Dan*

          Morocco is on my list of places to travel to when I run out of frequent flyer miles or the programs become unusable. I consider it too close to home if I’ve got the opportunity to travel anywhere in the world.

          Tomorrow I leave for a month-long trip to Asia. 24 hours of flying + 11 hours of layover time. It’s going to be one LONG day. (er, day and a half).

          1. Katie the Fed*

            Oh, I feel you. Asia travel is so hard. And we usually use frequent flier miles because they’re so expensive, so we end up on the most ridiculous routes of like 3 flights with 12 hours of total layovers. Ack. That’s why if I go to Asia I’m staying for 2 weeks – I’m getting the most of my flight time.

            1. Dan*

              I haven’t had a crazy routing that those types of awards can be legendary for. My journey is as long as it is for two reasons — my connecting flight in Hong Kong only operates once a day on the day I arrive. Every other day it would operate twice, those days would have left me with a two hour layover. Also, I’m leaving out of LAX, which ironically has roughly the same flight time as does Chicago and New York. So a lot of the extra flying is flying from DC to LA instead of one or the other two.

              Coming back, I leave from Taipei and connect through Chicago. There’s hourly flights from Taipei to Hong Kong, and Chicago to DC, so my layovers aren’t bad at all.

  49. calibrachoa*

    Well I am not sure about flights from the US directly, but once someone gets to Europe… well. I paid 115 euro for flights for 2 on Ryanair – and that’s with luggage included. Morocco is very affordable overall in addition to the cheap flight prices so it is a steal for people who are willing to go a bit further than Spain. I don’t know what would account for it’s popularity with US tourists though.

    1. SL #2*

      I know that flights to Europe from the US have been cheap lately (this year’s airfare feels cheaper than usual overall… I got round-trips from LA to DC for less than $300 back in May, and LA to Chicago in September for about $150) so maybe that’s a contributing factor. I’m not exactly sure how American tourists connect to Morocco… I wonder if there was a direct flight route recently added which brought the price down.

  50. periwinkle*

    My poor husband. He had to spend 3 weeks at the home office on the other side of the country; while he was gone I got my first (and second) tattoo. He left earlier this week for another 3-week stint… and after dropping him off at the airport I went to Home Depot for painting suppliers. He’s going to return home to an orange bathroom. This shade isn’t just orange, it’s ORANGE. Behr Joyful Orange, to be exact. Because why not.

    Maybe I’ll paint the hallway too…

    1. SL #2*

      In high school, I went on my friend’s church retreat with her, her sister, and their youth group (it was… interesting, given that I’m not Christian), and when we came back, her mom had painted the kitchen fire-engine red. We’d been gone 2 days.

      The same friend also came home one day to find that her dad had painted the exterior of the house neon green. I didn’t find out until I drove past the house one day (they live on a major street) and I immediately called my friend, with no greeting, to ask “what the hell happened to your house!?”

      I think surprise!painting runs in that family…

    2. Talvi*

      There were a few years growing up when my mom would do this. I would leave for school in the morning and return to find the kitchen was green! Or the living room was suddenly purple. Or the front door had been painted red (and a year or so later, the front door was black)…

      2. periwinkle*

        Oooooooh, the front door… it’s a boring off-white. Our house is pale yellow. Perhaps a pine green?

        *checks calendar to see when husband’s next trip is scheduled*

    3. Anonyby*

      Haha. Once Dad flew off to Florida and came home to a bathroom that was suddenly seashell pink. :) Not my idea, though I was enlisted to help paint.

    4. mander*

      My Mom often decides that she is going to radically redecorate bits of the house, usually with Dad’s input but not always. Once when he was gone for a long weekend, my sister talked her into re-doing one bathroom; we were ripping out old wood panelling and wallpaper at midnight. On another longer trip we stripped the living room and replaced the carpet. She’s also randomly decided to buy new furniture, change wallpaper, and so on.

      I’d love to do something radical with the apartment we live in right now but since 1) we’re renting, 2) we hope to move soon, and 3) I don’t have any tools or room to work, nothing has happened. I really need Dad, his table saw, and his garage full of tools to fly over some week and help me build stuff.

  51. Allison Mary*

    I posted above in response to a thread on unexpected touch, and in the context of my response, I mentioned my activity/participation in a local community of an adult nature. I got a couple responses indicating interest in hearing more about my experiences there, and got an OK from Alison, so I decided to post here about it, in a separate thread.

    About six years ago, I became interested in getting involved with the local BDSM community. It took me about a year of reading books, blogs, and various online articles on a plethora of kinky subjects before I felt comfortable enough to actually dive in. So it was about five years ago now, that I actually started attending munches in my local kink scene. I made friends, attended some classes and workshops, slowly got comfortable enough to attend and participate in some of the local play parties – I even met my current primary partner in the local scene (I say primary because we’re non-monogamous). I found that I was in love with all things related to rope work and impact play.

    Ever since I’ve gotten wrapped up in school and working towards pursuing a new career, I haven’t been quite as active over the last couple years as I used to be. But my experiences within the local BDSM community have heavily shaped how I approach communication and negotiation, especially when it comes to setting and protecting my own boundaries.

    Consensual touch in the BDSM scene is a huge topic. Of course there are always people at munches who will randomly touch others without asking, but I believe there is a much higher percentage of people in the kink scene (versus in the rest of the vanilla world) who will either vocalize their discomfort directly, or initiate community discussions on the importance of consensual touch for promoting safe spaces for everyone. This reinforced a cultural “norm” in the kink scene, which was that people have a right to their own bodies, and no one else has a right to someone else’s space without their explicit consent. This helped me feel more confident that speaking up for myself when I’m really uncomfortable is the right thing to do.

    In fact, the very first person I met in the local scene, a little over five years ago, was a very well-known rigger (rope artist, someone who ties people up), and I met him in the context of a private bondage lesson between him and someone else I was dating at the time. I was there as the “rope bottom,” and I was only there as someone to practice ties on. But I remember, that before this very renowned rigger even laid a hand on me, he knelt down to my level (I was sitting on a yoga mat), looked directly in my eyes, and asked very clearly, “May I touch you?” And he started with ties on my ankles and wrists, but as he moved to areas that were progressively more, uh, personal, he would always tell me where he was about to go, and ask if that was okay before he went there.

    That first experience had a huge influence on me, because he was so respectful, and I was so new and inexperienced – I would’ve had no idea how to negotiate for myself. Now, I can walk into a play scenario with someone I’ve never played with before, and in a matter of just a few minutes I can quickly identify not only the areas where I’m okay being touched, but the WAY I’m okay with being touched – like, what kind of energy exchange I’m looking for.

    This has been a hugely important skill that has translated into how I advocate for myself in other situations – like situations with co-workers, and especially navigating polyamorous situations with my primary partner. Between my experiences in the BDSM scene, and reading Ask A Manager every single day for the past two years or so, there really aren’t any situations where I wouldn’t be comfortable advocating or negotiating for myself – and more importantly, because I feel so comfortable with doing so (i.e., I’m not going into it defensively, because I feel calmly confident in my right to speak up for myself), I’m generally able to do it in a very collaborative, non-adversarial way. This is now one of my most valued skills.

    If anyone has any questions about this, I’d be happy to answer them. Hope this was informative/interesting!

    1. Christy*

      Thank you! I’m glad your introduction to the community was so great.

      A question–do you find that the scene is largely hetero? Any interest I would have would be women-only, and I wonder how that would play out.

      1. Allison Mary*

        Certain subsections of the scene tend to be primarily hetero – but there are definitely LGBT focused niches within the scene, at least in my city. There are all kinds of leather/BDSM events that are tailored either towards cis-men for cis-men or a combination of cis-women looking for cis-women or trans-men and vice versa. Fetlife is a great resource for getting connected with events, if you haven’t already been there.

    2. Not my usual name*

      First, thank you for sharing! My current partner and I have been practicing certain aspects of BDSM (the Ds aspects mostly) for about a year and a half, and I’ve been interested in going to a “local” (nearest group is an hour away) meet up/munch, but I’m a very private person when it comes to sexual matters and I just have no idea what to expect. Are there any tips or recommendations you’d have for someone looking to attend their first munch? Were there certain things that really surprised you about it, or was it what was expected? What can someone expect? I hope these questions aren’t too much, but I don’t know anyone personally who has identified as being into BDSM so there isn’t really anyone who I can ask.

      1. Doriana Gray*

        I’d like to know too because my ex was big in the scene (we met elsewhere) and introduced me to it, and I’d love to go to munches, but like Not my usual name, the privacy factor has been a sticking point for me.

      2. Not my usual name 2.0*

        I just realized someone else had posted under “Not my usual name” up thread. I am a different poster. Sorry for any confusion.

      3. Allison Mary*

        As far as the privacy aspect goes – I have noticed that for the most part, people at munches tend to stick to asking about first names (or sometimes, people will use a “scene” name that they only use in the BDSM scene). I’ve shared phone numbers with new friends at munches, and vice versa, but instead of putting a last name into my phone, I’ll usually put their FetLife handle in as their last name, and that seems to be a fairly common practice. With particularly good friends, we may eventually talk about what we do for a living in the vanilla world, but for me, that has come up far less often. There are lots of very private people who are active in the scene, and they’re generally not offering up details of their professional lives unless it’s to someone that they really know and trust.

        When I attended my first munch, it was a very large and popular munch, I was all by myself, and it was really scary because I’m a huge introvert and I’m not good at striking up conversations with people – and everyone else seemed to know each other already. Everyone seemed to ignore me for a while, and that was awful because I was way too nervous to walk up and talk to somebody. If I could do my very first munch over again, I would use FetLife to find out who the “munch leaders” are, and reach out to them ahead of time – there are often “munch greeters” who are there to welcome new people and help them feel comfortable. Such people would almost certainly have been able to tell me how to come find them when I got there, and then I would’ve had someone to talk to right away.

        I could talk about this type of advice all day, so I’m gonna stop there – please do ask follow up questions if you have them. :)

        1. Not my usual name 2.0*

          Very good, practical tips – thank you! I do have a followup question. Since privacy may be a concern and people might not want to reveal too much of themselves, what do people talk about? If I understand the purpose of a munch correctly, it is a social gathering (whereas at an event, there would be BDSM activities/scenes). I guess, what is the scope of topics that are fair game or appropriate to talk about and what wouldn’t fit, be prudent to talk about, or even be rude? I’m assuming common sense social rules that should apply to other situations would also apply at a munch, like being courteous/using good manners, but I imagine there may be more to…fitting in (? can’t think of the right term) than just that.

          1. Allison Mary*

            When I’m talking to brand-new munch attendees, I usually ask them things like, what drew them to the scene, are they new to BDSM overall, or are they simply new to participating in the community? Things of that nature. I might ask them what drew them to the community, what kinds of things they’re hoping to get out of being involved, or what other types of events they’re interested in (because I might be able to suggest a few that they haven’t heard of). And then of course if they want to ask me any questions about my experiences, I’m always an open book.

            The only thing that has ever struck me as strange or creepy is when a brand-new hetero/cis-man shows up at a munch and starts immediately inserting himself into conversations with young, cis-women, and immediately steers the conversation towards super sexual subject matter in such a way that it’s clear he’s more interested in hooking up than in genuinely making friends with those women. Otherwise, as long as you approach people as human beings in their own right (not as a means to an end), there’s pretty much nothing that’s seriously off-limits. I would say that going to a munch with the goals of (a) making friends and (b) learning about how other people practice kink safely is a great place to start, and if those are truly your motives, you can’t really go wrong.

            Just err on the side of “ask first” before touching, and if there’s even a topic of conversation you’re not sure about, you can preface it by saying, “I’m not sure if this is okay to ask, so please feel free not to answer, but…” So, basically – approach the whole thing with the respectful, polite, professional, and collaborative tone that Alison of AAM would probably bring to it. :)

  52. goinganon*

    Very interesting . I wish I could feel confident advocating for myself. Unfortunately, I was brought up to believe that everyone else’s feelings, needs, opinions etc were more important than mine. Sexual matters were not discussed either and I was abused (not by family ) and couldn’t get any help.
    I am also in a “helping ” profession which doesn’t really support work life balance. My husband and children can become mean if I don’t meet all their wants and needs. I’m very downtrodden and angry and too afraid to advocate for myself because all the anger might come spewing out if I start.

    1. Allison Mary*

      That sounds like a really difficult situation, and I’m sorry you have to go through that. :(

      I would really strongly recommend the book NonViolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg. It has been instrumental in giving me useful phrasing and verbiage to talk about my own needs and feelings with others. It also really helped me look at my own feelings and needs with a lot more compassion for myself – which has helped me let go of anger similar to what you are describing. I really can’t recommend it strongly enough.

        1. Dynamic Beige*

          And if you can afford it, counseling. Seriously, you need a safe space where you can talk about this with a neutral third party.

    2. fposte*

      If you’re not already, I’d suggest you take a look at Captain Awkward, too. She has a lot of columns dealing with the difficulty of feeling you have a right to ask for what you want–and to deal with the fallout when people who aren’t used to granting you that right adjust.

      I hope you can find a more comfortable way to be; that sounds hard.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I grew up reading advice columns and I never totally stopped reading them. It’s a good way to learn about what other people are experiencing, how they are handling it and what works/what does not work.
        As you think about your next steps, goinganon, this is a pretty low key thing that you can control your pace with. Knowledge is empowering and as you collect up more knowledge you may find that proceeding to another step is easier.

  53. Shell*

    This is my whiny whine moment, so sorry in advance.

    This week was my week of staycation, and I had made lots of plans including brunch/dinner with friends, going back bouldering, sign up for yoga classes, and clean house.

    Two days before said staycation a twinge in my good knee turned into full-blown pain. I have not done anything to it that I remember (no “oh shit” moment), and it’s fine on flat ground, gentle hills, or going up stairs, but going down stairs/sitting down/otherwise putting stress on it when it’s bent sends a dull pain up my MCL. The pain has abated some after aggressive icing, application of Voltaren gel, and alternating between a light and heavy duty knee brace, but it’s still not healed. And I have yet to figure out what exactly happened to it.

    To add insult to injury, after one of my icing sessions I discovered three huge, itchy welts on my knee (maybe contact dermatitis from too much knee brace? I do get mysterious rashes sometimes) so now my knee itches on top of being achy. And obviously I’ve cancelled all my exercise-related plans this week.

    I was really looking forward to yoga class this week because a friend of mine (who is much more well-versed in yoga studios than me) said that if I attend classes at non-peak hours, the instructors are much more likely to be able to go around and individually correct postures and whatnot (during evenings and weekends and other popular times, sometimes they get so packed that it’s impossible to give that level of personal attention without slowing down the class). Given I’m a total newbie, this was very appealing. Alas, this was my week of possibly going to class at non-peak hours, and I’ve spent it icing my knee and being grumpy.

    *sigh* Maybe I oughta take some of that glucosamine that my parents are always talking about…

    1. Katie the Fed*

      That sounds awful and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. I’ve been dealing with injuries related to an accident all year and I know all too well that feeling of “Ah, I’m out of the woods and can start enjoying myself” that quickly turns to “@#$(*!$% can’t I ever just have ONE WHOLE WEEK without some part of my body giving me grief????”

      I hope you feel better and can find a class better suited to your needs. I feel like there are more yoga studios than Starbucks around here lately so I’d hope you can find something that fits what you’re looking for!

      1. Shell*

        Yup, that’s basically my reaction as well. the left knee currently acting up is my “good” knee which has not been injured prior to this, my right knee was badly injured by a skiing accident and then-boyfriend and it’s never been the same since despite lots of rehabilitation. Yesterday my right knee twinged sharply and my response was “you are f-ing kidding me”. Compensation injuries has happened to me before and I’m worried about it happening again.

        Thanks for the sympathy everyone. I will find some glucosamine…

    2. fposte*

      Oh, no, Shell, that’s a bummer. I think knees are like toddlers sometimes–they know when you’re going to take them for granted and they kick up a fuss. I hope at least you still managed the brunch with friends, and I hope it settles down fast and you get another crack at a yoga class with some guidance.

    3. Diluted_TortoiseShell*

      I am so sorry! I hate when that happens. It feels like a waste of vacation. :< And I echo Katie's thoughts of "For the luv of … one week people! … one week!!!!"

      I have a permanent joint injury from the car accident that wrecked my back. Back is better after a year of PT, but the hip joint still has issues. Nothing makes the pain go away completely. I just have to stretch it, sit on yoga balls vs chairs and things like that. When it's really bad I take the chondrotin and glucosamine but it's a pretty intense rotations. If I remember correctly you need to take 3 pills a day and the bottles are pretty expensive. It takes a week before I notice a difference. But, for me at least, if I do a week on it will give me a few months relief. Honestly the only thing that has worked for my joint issues is making sure all the supporting muscles are strong constantly monitoring any pain or discomfort there when doing all actions. PT really helped me be aware of what positions my body can and can not handle.

      Sorry for the long post. Just sharing my story. : )

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Gah, that sucks. I have knee issues too–cartilage problems since fifteen, in addition to injury–and they can be super annoying.

      The glucosamine thing really doesn’t do anything–it’s more of a placebo effect. But it won’t hurt you if you want to try it.

      1. Observer*

        It actually seems to work for some people. For the people it helps, it apparently works the best when it’s combined with bromelain, if I’m recalling my doctor’s recommendation correctly.

    5. Observer*

      Try the glucosamine, unless your doctor tells you specifically not to. It’s one of those things that no one seems to be really sure about, but that seems to have good effects for some people, with a very low risk factor. It was interesting hearing an orthopedist (very well recommended) tell my child “It looks like you have x, which there is not much we can do about. But, I recommend you try glucosamine, because it seems to be helpful to people.” He then went on to explain that there are not good studies, but this is what doctors are seeing.

      It’s not cheap, but it doesn’t have to be extremely expensive, either. Do some shopping, as I found that on-line sellers were both more reliable and less expensive than local places.

      1. misspiggy*

        I read a meta review of glucosamine evidence which said that at high dose – 1500mg- it appears to work for some people and not for others, and that one would probably know within 3 months if it was helping.

  54. JPixel*

    Who has experience using a financial planner (or accountant? Or other person who deals with your money… Not sure what the right title actually is)? I’m mid-30s, married, no definite plans for kids, only debt we have is a mortgage that is 50% paid off. We make decent money (enough to to pay the bills, have emergency fund, contribute more than the minimum to retirement and put money in savings regularly) but we do live in a city and spend more than what I think is average on housing, food, entertainment. We do our own taxes too. Seems like a lot of people in my friends/family network have “a guy” (or gal) who deals with their money in some way. Do I need one? Obviously every case is different but I’m wondering what others’ experiences are.

    1. Colette*

      I have someone who deals with my investments, but no one for general financial planning. IMO, if you have no debt other than your mortgage and are putting aside an emergency fund, savings, and retirement money, it doesn’t matter if you spend more money than average on things you enjoy. There’s no prize for saving more than you need – it’s fine to enjoy things you can afford.

    2. fposte*

      The problem, at least in the U.S., is that a lot of people with “a guy” are mostly feathering that guy’s nest. They’re often paying a high percentage of their investments and even commissions on top of that that encourage that guy to operate in his interest and not theirs. (To be honest, I do pay a tax preparer, but I’m lazy and my taxes got complicated when my father died.)

      If you’ve had the luck and sensibility to get yourself if in the position you’re in now, you should be fine without somebody else handling your money. I’ll link to William Bernstein’s If You Can in a followup–it’s a free .pdf by a finance writer that’s the best short thing I’ve seen (it’s like 16 pages long, and it’s hugely accessible) about dealing with retirement. Also have a look at the bogleheads.org wiki and forum if you have specific questions–it’s the best crowdsourced group on finance on the internet.

    3. Diluted_TortoiseShell*

      I echo Fposte, but I think everyone should meet with a financial planner at least once. This needs to be someone who is not a financial manager and has zero interest in managing your accounts but is a financial expert who can advise you.

      I got to meet with a financial adviser for free through work and it was really invaluable to have a 3rd party perspective on our financial goals. Maybe start at work and see if the company you do your 401K investing through offers any financial planning or education?

      1. fposte*

        If you do, this person should meet the fiduciary standard. Ask them if they do. If they’re not fiduciaries, they are not legally required to act in your best interests.

        Also, you want somebody who charges an hourly fee rather than a percentage of assets, and who doesn’t get commissions from buying and selling your assets. By and large, that rules out anybody who has a nationally known brand and an office in a mall.

    4. Dan*

      Need is a strong word. There’s quite a few things that you can do in life on your own, but are easier if someone does them for you.

      In theory, you can do your financial planning, but I find it useful to have “a guy” to help me. He manages both my assets and general financial planning. I’m single and live in an area where the COL (particularly housing) is insanely high, so it’s nice to have someone to bounce long term strategy off of.

      1. fposte*

        What’s his fee structure? I’m curious about the people who work both sides of the fence like that.

        1. Dan*

          Flat fee up front (it was like $500) and then a percentage of assets under management. He told me that the fee structure on the funds he trades (he likes ETF) is lower than the fee structure for my 401k rollover accounts, so all in all my fee is like 0.25% higher than what I’d otherwise pay. I can live with that.

          The thing that gets tricky is that I got involved with him as I started a new job. I have a less than six figure balance with the funds he manages. But my current employer matches 10% to my 12%, so I’m contributing (when I get to full contribution) 22% of my near-six figure salary. That’s going to be a significant accumulation in the not-to-distant future. Because they’re held in a 403b/401a account, they’re not funds he manages, so he doesn’t get a vig from them. I’m sure we’ll hash it out when he brings it up.

          1. fposte*

            But the fund expenses are separate from the AUM percentage; you have access to ETFs on your own, and what you’d otherwise pay is just the ETF fund costs anyway. So I hope the AUM percentage isn’t much above that .25% overall.

            Not my business, I know, but it just makes me crazy to think how much money I wasted over the years; I was actually with a quite decent broker with AUM under 1% and no commissions, not an Edward Jones type, but it was still a lot of money going where it didn’t need to be over the years. It’s just really hard to realize the impact when you’re in the middle of it. But when you think about the 3% withdrawal rate rule of thumb for retirement expenses and then realize whatever percentage you pay an investment manager comes out of that–so if you’re paying 1% then you now have to live off of 2% withdrawal instead of 3%–that’s a pretty sobering realization.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      My husband and I got ourselves set up similar to what you are saying here, savings, retirement, etc. After we had our appointment with our financial guy, he said there was no need to check in UNLESS there we had a major life event or a specific concern. I checked in with him when my husband passed and he pointed out next steps for me.
      I am not big on moving money around a lot. So unless something out of the ordinary happens, I don’t really need to talk to my financial guy that much.

    6. Nicole*

      I think it boils down to how confident you feel about how you’re currently handling your money. If your retirement account investments are doing well and you have enough understanding about those investments to periodically evaluate them on your own, I think you’re fine as is. And if you want to learn more and like the DIY route, you can always just do a little reading up on the subject. Maybe it’s the skeptic in me, but when I think of financial advisors, I think of people who make money from encouraging people to put their money in places that will earn them a higher commission rather than where it will work best for that person. Maybe I watched too much Suze Orman or something, but I’d have to come into a crazy amount of money to even entertain the thought of hiring an advisor.

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Yeah, IMO you don’t need a planner, but if you want one, get a fee-only planner who will meet with you, review where you are now, and make general recommendations.

      Two things are important for saving for retirement: your savings rate, and your rate of return. You can make the most of both, but you have more control over your savings rate. Contribute until it hurts, especially to 401(k) accounts, because the more you contribute the lower your taxes, so it’s like getting 25-33% more. But more importantly, once you’re contributing, you are used to living on less, and it becomes the new normal. We contribute the maximum to our 401(k)s and our Roth IRAs, plus we have 4 other savings accounts, 3 of which get automatic transfers every month.

      Your rate of return is something that some people feel they need help with, but once you understand some basic rules you can DIY as well as anyone. First, risk allocation and rebalancing; second, expense ratios. Do a few hours of reading on those and you’ll do as well as any advisor could do for you. As far as risk allocation, if you are not planning on retiring in the next 5-10 years you should be careful not to be too conservative, and rebalance fairly often to take advantage of any ups and downs.

      What that means is, let’s say you’re 50-50 in stocks (riskier; higher return, but better chance of loss, too) and bond funds (more stable, lower return). In an up market, the stocks will jump, and may become 60% of your portfolio. At some point you rebalance towards your target, so sell off that extra 10% and put it in the bond funds. When the markets are down, the stocks might drop to 40%, at which point you should sell off some bond funds and buy stocks while they’re down. It’s impossible to time the market, but by rebalancing you’ll preserve your gains and buy while prices are low(er).

      For information about expense ratios, there’s a very good, easy-to-understand explanation in Frontline’s “The Retirement Gamble”. I’ll post a link in a reply, but you can Google it too, and read all about it on the web, or even watch the whole episode online.

  55. Sydney Bristow*

    This might be a long shot but can anyone recommend an attorney in NYC who deals with housing court? Particularly with rent stabilization issues? I’m a lawyer here myself but this is way outside of my area and I’d much prefer paying someone to help with our problem.

    1. Lore*

      My coop uses someone we like–we’re on the landlord side more or less but we did have to go to housing court with her once and she was great. Her name is Susan Cornicello.

        1. Lore*

          I’ve also found her to be pretty honest about what is and isn’t her area of expertise and referring us elsewhere–to someone else in her firm or someone completely different–when she needs to.

  56. Nancypie*

    Can anyone recommend baked chicken part recipes, that don’t involve mustard?

    I’m defrosting chicken thighs and my family is bored with most things I make. my back-up plan is chicken and cut up sweet potatoes and onions with a maple glaze. I love it and the rest of the family is neutral on it.

    1. Blue_eyes*

      I really like this Orange Chicken recipe from Kosher by Design, Short on Time. It does include a bit of dried mustard, but I think you could easily omit it as it is not the primary flavor. It also makes a lot (calls for two whole chickens worth of pieces), so I usually just make a half recipe.

      Also check out the website Budget Bytes, she has a bunch of recipes for chicken thighs and, as the name suggests, the recipes are inexpensive to make.

    2. Stella Maris*

      Favourites in our house include:

      -thighs ‘stuffed’ (more like ‘folded over’) with pesto (sundried preferred, regular pesto is OK too), goat cheese, and slivered almonds, then topped with breadcrumbs. (I don’t have time-and-temp info immediately to hand, sorry.)

      -thighs done a bit ‘Greek’ style with lemon, olives, shallots, and herbs. If you are interested I’ll look up the actual recipe later.

      -thighs with olives and lemon, cinnamon and ginger (cooked in broth, served over couscous). Again, if you want the full recipe let me know, I’ll post it later. (I’m not with my cookbooks right now.)

      1. Stella Maris*

        Ha, I had the third recipe (the tagine) on my phone: Chicken Tagine with Lemon and Olives.

        The recipe [for which I don’t have the original source!] calls for 2 chicken breast halves and 2 chicken legs, but I prefer to use some chicken thighs (4 for the two of us). If you’re using more, increase other ingredients accordingly.

        2 1/2 lbs chicken – skinned
        1/4 tsp salt
        1/4 tsp pepper
        1 tsp extra-virgin olive oil
        1 cup chopped onion
        2-3 cloves garlic – minced
        1 cup fat-free chicken broth (reduced sodium if you can get it)
        3/4 cup green olives with no pits – pimentos or garlic-stuffed are fine too (my friend made this with black olives and it was just fine)
        1 tsp ground cinnamon
        1/2 tsp ground ginger
        1 1/2 tsp grated lemon rind (if you have fresh lemon – I used squeezy lemon and it’s fine)
        1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
        1 tbsp chopped fresh cilantro [I didn’t have any, it still tasted great.]
        1 tbsp chopped fresh parsley [I didn’t have any, it still tasted great.]

        Sprinkle chicken with salt & pepper.
        Heat extra-virgin olive oil in dutch oven or any large pot, medium-high heat.
        Add chicken, brown on each side – about 3 mins / side.

        Add onion and garlic to pan, cook 1-2 minutes, stirring so as not to burn garlic (You may need to add a little more extra-virgin olive oil at this point.)

        Add broth, olives, cinnamon, and ginger.

        Bring to boil, cover, reduce heat and simmer 20-40 minutes (that seems like a wide range but it depends on how much chicken you have and if it’s bone in or not).

        Turn chicken, then simmer uncovered another 5-15 mins.

        Remove chicken and olives to plates.

        Add lemon rind, lemon juice, cilantro, and parsley (if you have it, just use lemon juice if nothing else) and cook for 30 – 60 seconds, stirring constantly.

        Serve chicken with couscous and spoon sauce over the top.

      2. Stella Maris*

        Chicken with Olives and Lemons – from Cooking Light
        2 teaspoons grated lemon rind
        1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
        1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
        1 1/2 tablespoons minced fresh garlic
        4 (6-ounce) skinless, boneless chicken breast halves, halved crosswise
        Cooking spray
        2 teaspoons chopped fresh oregano
        1/2 teaspoon chopped fresh rosemary
        1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
        15 oil-cured olives, pitted and sliced (we have done with this black olives and green olives, it makes no difference that we can tell)
        1 large shallot, sliced
        1 lemon, thinly sliced

        Preparation
        Combine first 4 ingredients in a large zip-top plastic bag. Add chicken to bag; seal. Shake to coat chicken. Marinate 15 minutes at room temperature. Arrange chicken mixture in a broiler-safe 11 x 7–inch glass or ceramic baking dish coated with cooking spray. (Or just put chicken in the baking dish and top with lemon rind, lemon juice, olive oil, and garlic and let sit for 15 minutes.)
        Sprinkle chicken with oregano, rosemary, and pepper. (We also just use ‘Italian’ herbs from a squeezy tube.) Toss olives throughout the dish, and top the chicken with slices of shallot and top with lemon slices. Bake at 400° for 20 minutes.
        After 20 minutes, remove chicken from oven and preheat broiler to HIGH. When it’s ready, put the chicken back in 3 inches from broiler element and broil for 3 minutes or until chicken is browned and done.

    3. danr*

      I usually make this in the summer, but roasting works too.
      Ingredients:
      enough chicken thighs for the family
      whole garlic cloves, about one for every four thighs, and a garlic press
      ground black pepper, either from a pepper grinder or pre-ground.
      about a tablespoon of dried rosemary leaves lightly ground or fresh ones chopped
      italian salad dressing or any olive oil and balsamic vinegar mix.
      Also, a broiling pan or roasting pan large enough to hold the chicken and maybe some nonstick spray.

      Spray or lightly oil a broiler pan top or roasting pan. Put the thighs in/on the pan, skin side down. Sprinkle or grind some pepper on the meat. Put a garlic clove in the press and gently squeeze some garlic through. Spread the garlic lightly on the thighs. I get about four thighs per clove, but you might get more or less. Spread the rosemary leaves on the chicken and follow with the salad dressing. Put in a 425 deg F oven for 10 minutes. After 10 minutes, remove the pan and turn the thighs over. Lightly pour some more salad dressing on the skin. I also spread some more rosemary on the skin. Put back in the oven and bake for another 40 minutes until the skin is crispy.
      Remove and serve.
      I don’t use salt, since there is a bit in the salad dressing. It’s enough for me and my wife adds some at the table.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Do you mind sauteeing first? Because my very favorite chicken recipe (which I haven’t made in years because we no longer cook meat at home) goes like this:

      Pre-heat oven to 425. Rub bone-in, skin-on chicken breasts (or thighs, I guess, but this is GREAT for white meat) with a vinaigrette of olive oil, lemon juice, salt and pepper, any herbs you like (rosemary is good for this, and I used to add smoked paprika), some minced garlic. Heat canola oil in a pan (not non-stick) and sear the chicken for about 2 minutes each side. Pop that pan straight into the oven for 15-20 minutes (I forget this part, but I always had to check the chicken for done-ness anyway).

      Even better? Before you throw the pan into the oven, toss in some brussels sprouts. They’ll get all caramelized and yummy from the chicken fat. Take the pan out of the oven and add lemon juice, and it’s soooo good.

      1. Sunny with a Chance of Showers*

        My mother, who admits to not being much of a cook, makes this canned soup dish which is really tasty and filling when served over a grain:

        Place chicken parts (we use boneless skinless thighs) in 9 x13 pan. Mix a can of cream soup (we like mushroom) with half a soup can of mayo and half a soup can of grated parmesan. Add some curry powder to the mixture, 1-3 tsp. “Frost” the chicken pieces with the mix and bake uncovered at 350-375 for about 45 minutes.

      2. Nancypie*

        This one was the Winner Winner Chicken Dinner. Thanks for the suggestion. I served it with garlic roasted potatoes and roasted asparagus. 3 out of 4 of us liked it, which I consider a win.

        In other news, we’ve signed up for Blue Apron, excited for someone else to do the thinking for us.

    6. fposte*

      I am about to get chicken cutlets ready for a dry brine and rub: 1 tablespoon ground cumin;
      1 tablespoon smoked paprika; 1 tablespoon dried oregano; 1 teaspoon salt; some pepper (grind till I get bored).

      Then in the oven at 450 for about 25 minutes.

      I also have a couple of pages bookmarked for rubs (I love them because they’re easy); I haven’t tried them but you can have a look at see if you find anything you like. Links in followup.

    8. BRR*

      I’ve done them in a stainless steel pan then made a sauce with the leftover brown bits and white wine and some chicken stock. Just google stainless steel chicken breats and its the first result. If works just as well with chicken thighs.

    9. AdAgencyChick*

      I like to pour the following on chicken parts (all mixed together; salt and pepper the chicken first):

      1/3 cup maple syrup
      1 T thyme leaves
      2 T balsamic vinegar
      2 T olive oil
      dash cayenne pepper (or more, if you like a little more heat)

      May be too much like the maple glaze you’re already using, but maybe not!

    10. Nancypie*

      Thanks to all for your suggestions, I greatly appreciate it. I’ll be checking back here often…

    11. Elizabeth*

      I do a thing with putting a mix of green & black olives (save the green olive brine) down on a roasting pan, then tossing chicken with an Italian herb mix & olive oil and putting the chicken over it, then roasting the whole thing for about 20 to 30 minutes at 400.

      Then I boil spaghetti or penne, drain it and toss it with the olive brine & some olive oil. Serve the chicken & olives over the pasta.

  58. Katie the Fed*

    I don’t suppose you have pomegranate molasses? I absolutely LOVE chicken fesenjoon – it’s a Persian dish made with chicken, pomegranate molasses, and toasted walnuts.

    2. Lore*

      Pomegranate molasses is my secret ingredient in just about everything–salad dressing, anything with chicken, roasted vegetables, and of course muhammara, possibly the best food item I’ve discovered in 20 years living in a very Middle Eastern neighborhood (and now available from Trader Joe’s, for anyone who does not live in a very Middle Eastern neighborhood!).

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I’m obsessed with pomegranates in all forms. I have a persian cookbook and make pomegranate soup, fesenjoon, and other goodies. I buy the costco boxes of pomegranates and de-seed them two at a time. I love Pama liquer, Pom Wonderful juice, pomegranate molasses, etc.

      2. mander*

        I have never heard of this. It sounds amazing. I’ll have to ask in the market for it the next time I’m there.

        1. Katie the Fed*

          You can make it yourself by reducing pomegranate juice too. I’ll look up a good recipe and post it. Now I really want some fesenjoon. Nom nom.

  59. Arcadia*

    I just told a guy “we should just be friends” but I secretly wanted him to protest and he didn’t. Took my breath away.

    1. Diluted_TortoiseShell*

      If you treat love like a game you will always lose.

      That’s always been my philosophy in love and it has helped me find the perfect spouse for me.

    2. Dan*

      That’s a chance you take. If someone tries that one on me, they get an “ok” unless I was head over heels for them, and I didn’t see it coming. If I didn’t see it coming, I might stammer a “damn, sucks for me, didn’t see that coming.” If I saw it coming, I’d probably mutter a “I dig you, but I figured this was coming sooner or later. Sorry it didn’t work out.”

      But by and large, we’re all figuring this out together. If it’s in the early stages of a relationship, and it’s not working for you, you won’t get much pushback from me. I got divorced in Feburary, and been out on several dates. Some relationships last longer than others, and they all have a different flow. I had two awesome dates with one girl, and the third one was a dud. We cut ties a couple of weeks later.

      One girl I met through a mutual acquaintance, and literally had no expectations. Turns out I actually enjoy her company. While we haven’t established an exclusive relationship or text/talk every day, we’ve been seeing each other for six months, and it doesn’t seem to be slowing down or otherwise seem terribly casual.

      Point being, Tortoise is right. Play games and you lose.

    4. Sourire*

      Curious – did you want him to protest as an ego boost (but still don’t want to be with him) or did you feel like things weren’t where you wanted them to be between you two and were hoping this would make him worry he’d lose you and get there quicker than he would on his own?

      If the latter, just not a good idea. Games and ultimatums never lead to a healthy relationship. You may get your desired/intended result initially, but in the long run things tend to even out.

      If the former, I can understand that. Sometimes even if you’re not into someone, it’s a bit of an ego blow to find out they feel the same. I had a bit of the same when I told a guy who I thought was all kinds of into me that I just wasn’t feeling it. He said he felt the same… and not at all in a defensive/self-preservation type way – I truly think he was as relieved as I was I said something. Took the wind of of my sails for a bit, but clearly it turned out to be a good thing neither of us felt that connection and no one ended up hurt.

      2. Lindsay J*

        FWIW I think ultimatums are sometimes an okay thing, as long as you mean what you say. They’re really just another way of setting boundaries.

        I had to give my boyfriend an ultimatum earlier this year because we had been “seeing each other” for over a year, I was very emotionally invested, (as was he), seeing each other every week was pretty much a standing date, but we still weren’t “official”.

        When we started seeing each other I was okay with things being casual, but as time went on it wasn’t okay anymore, for a few reasons; I was emotionally invested and if he didn’t feel the same way it was only going to hurt more the longer things went on, I didn’t have time to see him and other people and since I do want a relationship I needed to find somebody who would be able to give me that it he couldn’t, not being in a relationship was making me insecure – I felt like there must be a reason why he didn’t want a relationship ship with me since he was actively choosing not to be in one with me when he knew I wanted it.

        We had discussed these things a little bit. However, something caused the subject to come up.

        He gave me his reasons. (Had just started a new job. Wanted to pass probationary period and move out if his parents’ house before starting a real relationship.)

        I heard him and gave him the ultimatum. 6 months. 3 to pass probation period. 3 to move. At that point either we become official or break up.

        I hated to do it, but I also didn’t want to stay in a “relationship” that was becoming un-healthy for me, either.

        I can see many other situations where an ultimatum is the healthy choice to make.

        (I can also see many situations where it would be manipulative and bad for the relationship.)

        However, I think pretty often an ultimatum is better than sitting in silence and putting up with your boundaries being violated or your needs not being met.

        I think lack of communication and fostering resentment without voicing it are two of the biggest killers of relationships. And – as long as they are reasonable – ultimatums can avoid these things.

        1. Lindsay J*

          Though otherwise, I absolutely agree.

          Don’t say things unless you mean them. And say what you mean. If you really like spending time with someone and they put a smile on your face, tell them that. If you’re not feeling it and want to break up, tell them that.

          I’m a big believer in communication and honesty in my relationships.

          And enthusiasm.

          If someone said they weren’t into me, I would think one of two things. Either

          1: they don’t want to be with me (or are on the fence about it). In which case I would say “okay” and move along. Because I want to be with someone who actively wants to be with me, not someone I have to talk into it or otherwise has one foot out the door. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

          2. They’re playing games. In which case I would say “okay” and move on, because I value honesty, good communication, and forthrightness, and saying one thing but meaning the other is counter to all of those things and I don’t have the time, energy, or desire to deal with that.

          3. If someone says they’re not interested, trying to talk them out of that is violating their stated boundaries, which is not okay. So I would do it even if I didn’t believe in 1 or 2.

      3. Arcadia*

        We met when I was on holiday in his country. Ours was a whirlwind romance – and now we have been apart the same duration we were ever together.

        At first we kept in regular contact, then I noticed he withdrew. At first that tormented me, but I finally started questioning myself if I really did like him and if I did, based on what – nostalgia, or the current him? My honest answer to myself was nostalgia, because there wasn’t enough of the current him to like him off of. (I hope that makes sense.)

        The week before that, he’d asked to call both days of the weekend. We talked flirtatiously, admitted that we still missed each other, and I brought up him coming to visit, which is something he said he wanted to do (when I was still in his country). Even as I sensed discomfort in his voice, he said he would love to come, “and perhaps we could go on vacation to a nearby country, too”.

        I tried, but I couldn’t shake off the discomfort I heard in his voice. I couldn’t let him come visit me if he wasn’t really feeling it. That was when I decided to be honest with myself about the whole thing (see paragraph 2) and came to the realisation that my feelings were not that strong anymore either, that I was trying desperately to cling on to memories, and how that could never be enough.

        When I said we should just be friends, I meant it. I was verbalising not just my own feelings, but I thought HIS as well, FOR him, since it seemed like he couldn’t, for whatever reason. Still, a part of me wanted to be wrong, hence the disappointment I felt when he didn’t protest or correct me. So I was right, and I’m just not sure I like being right, that’s all.

        And also for some strange, strange reason, he asked if he could call me today on his way to work, “because your voice is like music to my ears…it would cheer up my otherwise cold and dreary walk to work.” HUH?! Do ‘friends’ say that to one another? I am very confused.

        1. fposte*

          In my experience, in a mixed-message situation, believe the least committed message.

          Maybe he wants to be friends with benefits, maybe he likes sport flirting, whatever. But you’re not feeling it, and he’s either not feeling it or not feeling that much of it. I’d say “No, Percival, that seems like the kind of relationship we’ve just agreed we’re not going to have.” Not because sport flirting isn’t entertaining–it can be a lot of fun–but because I think it’s going to keep your focus on this guy when you need to start looking in other directions.

    5. fposte*

      Ow, sorry. Is it worth thinking about why you asked for something you didn’t want? Was it that you felt like he hadn’t displayed enough interest in you and you wanted a clearer indication that he really liked you? Then it sounds like you did the right thing–confirming where you stood–even if it wasn’t planned out to go that way.

    6. Observer*

      why did you expect him to push protest? And if you didn’t really mean that you think you two should just be friends, why did you say that?

    7. nep*

      Why did you say ‘we should just be friends’ if that’s not what you want? What was your motivation there? (I’ve got the same questions many others have.)

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I have a male friend who says his pattern has always been to agree with whatever the woman wants.
      Honestly, I think this is a recipe for disaster. When one person puts what they want in second place to what another person wants things can get murky/confusing.

      Mean what you say and say what you mean. Life is too short, too complex and too harsh to get involved in unnecessary layers of complexity. Be real and be sincere. It’s fine not to be sure. If you are unsure it is fine to say that you are not sure.

      But if we say one thing and hope for another we will probably end up disappointed. People can only take us at our word, they can’t act on something they do not see or hear. And frankly, I would not want an SO that says, “Oh you don’t really mean that, you mean X instead.” I don’t want to live that way.

    9. QualityControlFreak*

      If I told someone we should just be friends and they tried to protest that, we might not even wind up being friends. I’d find it invasive and disrespectful. So I think a lot of this is highly subjective. If you enjoy this kind of interaction it’s perfectly fine, but I also think it’s best that people who don’t are able to self-select out.

  60. Pennalynn Lott*

    Is Dead Week at university not a thing anymore? The official Academic Calendar for my school says Finals Week is Dec 13-19. But three of my classes are having finals this week. And both my math classes have us turning in homework (that covers brand-new material) one day, and then taking part of the cumulative final the very next day (they break it into an online portion one day, then a paper portion the next day).

    Whatever happened to, “Your last assignment is due Monday. The final will be a week from then, so you’ve got at least 7 solid days to study”?? I am SO stressed out!!

    (And normally I could grab a few extra hours of study time by rolling onto campus tomorrow in sloppy clothes, a baseball hat, and no makeup, but I have to give a presentation in Marketing class, which means the full fluff-and-primp routine. With my very long hair, that means I have to start the process tonight in order to get it washed-conditioned-dried-straightened. AAARGH!)

    1. Merely*

      Yeah, every semester they give us a “study day” between the last day of classes and finals (unless a professor decides to have the final in-class rather than during the official finals week). Last semester, last day of classes was a Friday, Study Day was Saturday, and finals began bright and early on Sunday…. then I had a final each day for six days a row. This is how caffeine addictions are born.

    2. Shell*

      There was no Dead Week back when I was in school. It was highly dependent on the pacing of the professor though. For example, my friends and I took the same course, two different professors (different sections/times, same course, same exams, same learning expectations); my prof ended the course one lecture early and left the last lecture as a Q&A session for people who chose to attend. My friends’ prof ended the course on the last day of class and was teaching new material on said last day (at mach speed), and the cumulative final (same final for both sections) included said new material and was whenever the two profs scheduled it as–usually a day or two after the last lecture. If we were lucky and it was a little later, great, but that still meant we didn’t have profs available to ask questions about said new material if we didn’t understand it.

      My sympathies, exams are so stressful. Take care of yourself!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Oh god, this happened to me on a summer course. I missed the last class before the final and dropped my final from an A to a B+ because I had missed the new material in that class. Ugh.

    3. Today's anon*

      This would be totally frowned upon at my college – I can’t tell you how many emails professors get that they are not to give finals exams outside of the finals exams period. It might be worth contacting student affairs or the department chair for those classes.

    4. Noah*

      I had several professors in college who would give an exam the last week of classes. If you took it and passed you didn’t have to take the final exam. A bit of a way to cheat the system, but I liked it because it meant I could finish everything up earlier and/or have more time to study for the final exams that took place during finals week.

    5. Talvi*

      I find it’s really common for professors to have a “second midterm” on the last day of classes in lieu of a final (because they officially cannot have a “final exam” outside of the exam period, but as long as it’s a “midterm” it’s fine). It could simply be because the time slot allotted to the class for the final was a very poor one – I’m invigilating a Saturday final and a Sunday final this term, and it sucks (and I’m not even writing the exam! I just get to spend my Sunday evening marking them…)

  61. Boston/Cambridge?*

    Questions for Boston/Cambridge folks:
    I’ve been asked to apply for a job with a small non-profit in the Boston/Cambridge area. I like them, and the work that they do. They’re up front about salary, too, which is a plus.
    So here are my initial questions for you local folks:
    * What’s a reasonable living wage there? I have looked at salary equivalent calculators, and know it’s an expensive area, but that’s different from having a sense of what it’s easy to live on. I have a pretty simple life, up from grad students but not by heaps.
    *What should I expect for apt rentals – probably a one bedroom, that takes cats? Are heat and hot water generally included in rent?
    * How easy is it to do without a car? Is it so much more expensive to live near the T that the difference would cover a car? I’ve lived without a car, with easy subway access to grocery stores, etc, but being car-less isn’t an option here.
    * What do you wish you’d asked/known before moving there?

    I’ll factor all this in to handling the process.
    Many thanks,
    Belle di Vedremo

    1. anonanonanon*

      For a one bedroom, expect $1500 – $2500 if you want Boston or Cambridge. Even Somerville is inching up to those prices. A lot of places aren’t pet friendly, and sometimes if they do they have a one pet minimum. Head and hot water being included is 50/50. I definitely recommend getting heat and hot water included because depending on the location and building, heat can run between $500 – $800 during the winter. In general, the average one bedroom goes for around $1800. I suggest checking out Craigslist in addition to realtors.

      I live downtown and don’t have a car, so I wouldn’t worry about that. Apartments closer to the T are usually more expensive than ones further away, but they’re also harder to get since everyone wants to live close to the T. Parking is a nightmare in lot of Boston/Cambridge/Somerville neighborhoods.

      Research neighborhoods before you pick one. If you don’t want to live near college kids, make sure you don’t choose Allston or Fenway. Try to look at apartments after work hours at night to get a sense of sound and neighbors. A lot of the buildings are old, so sound travels very easily. For instance, I can hear my upstairs neighbors whenever they walk around and I can hear my next door neighbor whenever they run the water or flush the toilet.

      Because a lot of students and transplants live here, realtors make a lot of money selling up places that are way more expensive than the neighborhood. They tend to take advantage of non-locals because apartments are scarce and most people need one ASAP. So, really, do you research about where you might want to live.

      I’m gonna say salary is relative, because you’ll be spending most of it on rent. Unless you want to live with a few roommates, you’d have to search for a good long while to find anything less than $1500, even for a studio. A lot of people live with roommates because it’s so expensive, so living alone can be tough. I’d say around $50-60K is doable for one person by themselves if you don’t spend much on other things, though if you have rent or debt, that’s a different story. To be comfortable and save a lot of money, I’d say you need at least $80K. $50K would probably pay that rent and bills for the month, but not leave much left over. It’s the unfortunate price of living in an expensive area with high apartment prices.

      Almost every apartment is on a Sept 1 – August 31 lease, so there’s not going to be a lot of great options open right now, though with the fall semester ending, there’s more possibility of landlords needing to fill vacancies. Again, my tip is to research, research, research different neighborhoods.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      * What’s a reasonable living wage there? I have looked at salary equivalent calculators, and know it’s an expensive area, but that’s different from having a sense of what it’s easy to live on. I have a pretty simple life, up from grad students but not by heaps.

      I think it really depends on your lifestyle. If you’re living alone (i.e., not sharing a house with roommates), I’d recommend at least $45,000, but $50-55k will be a lot more comfortable. Even then, it’ll be tough if you live in Boston or Cambridge proper.

      *What should I expect for apt rentals – probably a one bedroom, that takes cats? Are heat and hot water generally included in rent?

      I would honestly recommend, if your salary isn’t that great (I was making closer to $70k, and even with that Boston/Cambridge were too expensive for me and spouse, who was also pulling in her own salary), I’d strongly consider living outside of Boston/Cambridge—Quincy, Salem, Waltham, etc. The rents are far more affordable, there are a lot fewer college students around, and the commute is not that bad.

      Spouse and I have two cats, and we just had to pay an extra rental deposit. Heat and air conditioning are expensive, but especially the heat! If you can get that included, awesome, but figure heat into your budget. It could be over $100 per month in the winter months.

      * How easy is it to do without a car? Is it so much more expensive to live near the T that the difference would cover a car? I’ve lived without a car, with easy subway access to grocery stores, etc, but being car-less isn’t an option here.

      If you go with my suggestion of living outside the major Cambridge/Boston area (including Somerville and Allston), you can still get something semi-affordable near a T station or commuter rail line. I lived on the red line in Quincy, and it took me only about 30 minutes to get to downtown Boston. The commuter rail (I used to take this before living in Quincy) is actually kind of amazing—quiet, on time, and with seats. The only downside to the commuter rail is the schedule (if you miss a train, you end up waiting a long time for the next one) and cost (it’s pricier than the regular T), but the money you’d save on rent would be well worth the extra cost to take the commuter rail in from an outlying suburb.

      If you’re at a T stop or near a commuter rail line, you absolutely do not need to own a car, and you can Zipcar or Uber for the times you do need one.

      * What do you wish you’d asked/known before moving there?

      I don’t know what race you identify as, but Boston has a reputation for being racist, and if you’re non-white, you will feel it… maybe not every day, but it’s a definite presence. People are also extremely obsessed with sports (Celtics, Bruins, Patriots, Red Sox) and will talk about that stuff all the time and assume you’re into it as well. The winters are absolutely brutal these past few years and not fun at all. I actually grew up in the Boston area, but the winters were not as bad in the 80s and 90s as they are now. It gets depressing.

      That said, there are some wonderful things about Boston. Despite commuters complaining about the T, it’s actually a great public transit system. Boston is a very walkable city. During the winter months, you may take the T for its relative warmth, but on a spring or fall day, you’ll realize how close together the T stops are and that you can easily walk wherever you want to go. The Museum of Fine Arts is an amazing museum with frequently rotating special exhibits—worth getting a membership for! Definitely watch the Fourth of July fireworks over the Charles River, and watch from the Cambridge side (it’s less crowded).

    3. Sara*

      Nothing new to add re: expenses, the previous comments covered that pretty well. I moved here in 2013 and spent two years in Allston (mercifully on a quiet street in a building that didn’t allow undergraduates) before moving to one of the towns just north of the city that starts with M. I found both my former and current apartments on Craigslist and worked with a rental agent the first time. (I dealt directly with the landlord/owner for my current place.) You will almost certainly have to pay a commission if you work with a rental agent, although since this is an off-peak time of year, you might get away with a half fee. Ask about this upfront if it’s critical to your decision-making, because the fee is almost never negotiable once you actually get into the rental process. They are supposed to disclose all fee information upfront, but some agents are shady/lazy/forgetful and don’t, so ask. (Source: boyfriend is a former rental agent.)

      My first two years here, I relied almost exclusively on the T, and that was mostly fine. Waiting for trains and buses in the rain/snow/cold is a pain, but in non-emergency weather, the service is fine. There are a couple good tracking apps that helped quite a bit. I do have a car and drive to work now, but if you live in the city you can probably live without one. To the extent possible, be strategic about where you live relative to where you work; last year I worked in East Boston and commuting there from Allston was a long haul.

      I’m originally from the Midwest and moved here after living in a developing country for three years…and honestly, the adjustment to Boston was harder. Even coming from a place with really harsh winters and its fair share of racism and classism, I have really been challenged to cope with those things here. (Moving out of the student neighborhoods and getting a new job in a more professional and diverse workplace has helped a lot.) The city does have a lot to offer, though, and exploring drinking and dining options has been a highlight of my time here.

    5. Jen*

      I’ve lived in the Boston area for almost a decade now. If you’ll be working in Cambridge or the northern part of Boston, you’ll probably want to take public transit in, unless the office is somehow way off the subway line. I second the 45-60k range if you are set on living by yourself, with pets. I made 27k when I first moved here in 2005, and shared a house in Brighton with 2 other people. I paid $650/month and that included parking but it wasn’t near the T.

      I also lived in my own place in Newton, which included parking but not heat/HW for ~1200/month. so it isn’t that lower cost rent isn’t there, it’s just less “in the action.” You might want to look at Medford, Somerville, and East Boston. Quincy makes sense for some commutes but not others. Jamaica Plain can be affordable but fewer 1BRs and you’ll likely either need a car or to rely heavily on zip car/uber unless you are right near the 2 stops that run that way.

  62. Vancouver Reader*

    Can I just say how much I appreciate the AAM community even though it’s way past Thanksgiving both in Canada and the US? Whenever I find I’m dealing with too many idiotic ideas or people IRL (and I realize sometimes it’s just differing opinions from mine), I can come to this site and enjoy conversations from like minded people who are funny and kind. I like being able to just sit back, read comments, learn lots of new ideas and topics and never have to say a word, but won’t be judged for it either. So thank you to all of you.

  63. Sourire*

    A couple of weeks ago we had a discussion about splitting the check on date and I’d mentioned how I’d never had anyone take me up on my offer to do so. Turns out I spoke too soon. I had quick coffee date with someone I’d met online and I was at the counter first and got out my wallet to pay and he never said a word about it. Which is totally fine, I’ve just never had that happen before. Not even an “oh no, let me” which I would have turned down.

    But of course because I’m quite self conscious now it has me wondering if the guy was egalitarian or if he saw me in person and decided I wasn’t cute/it was going nowhere/etc and why bother paying. :/ Oh the struggles of living in your head/being filled with self-doubt.

    1. Vancouver Reader*

      But what if you were only paying for your share, and not his? That would’ve made for an awkward moment for him. And maybe I’m just socially stilted, but I think it’s only reasonable to offer to pay, even if the other person turns you down. For him to just let you pay, that to me would be someone I wouldn’t want to see again. We all have doubts about being pretty/smart/good enough for someone else, but given that scenario, I’d say he’s not good enough for you.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I don’t know you or the guy, but just based on the information you’d gave, I’d say he’s a d-bag. Even very traditional het women who think a man should always pay on the first date should at least do the “pretend to reach into my purse” move. Everyone should always offer to pay or split. The fact that he didn’t (gender and dating dynamics aside) means he’s a d-bag, and you dodged a bullet.

      Even among platonic friends, it’s customary for people to split the bill or to fight over who pays (with some exceptions for explicit “This is my treat” or exorbitant dinners that only one rich friend can afford and insists on paying for).

    3. anonanonanon*

      I’m sad I missed that discussion!

      I always offer to split the bill with the genuine intention of paying if my date takes me up on it. Having someone pay for my drink or meal actually makes me a bit uncomfortable.

      Regardless, I’ve found that when I’m on a date with a woman, we almost always split the bill. With men, they always insist on paying and in a few cases, actually get offended when I offer. I’ve had a few people tell me that women who offer to split the bill are saying they’re not interested in their date, which I find kind of mind boggling. I’ve only had a few dates with men where I split the bill, but those were usually second or third dates where we got along, but both knew a relationship wouldn’t be happening, so it was more like having dinner or drinks with a friend anyway.

      But anyone who doesn’t even offer to pay or who assumes someone else will pay for them is probably not someone I’d want to see again anyway.

  64. Late News Messenger*

    Hi everyone,

    I am someone who tends to delay telling the message of bad news until there is a better time to tell it.

    I tend to do this with all bad news no matter if they are work-related, non-work related, school-related, family-related, etc.

    So far none of the news I need to announce are anything major. Most of the news just involved small-scaled mistakes/errors.

    This might be a bad habit especially if I encountered major news…..

    But somehow I feel that successively telling one bad news after the next seemed to make the situation more frustrating. I feel that giving the receiver some time to “cool down” before the next bad news might be better.

    This might not be the best mentality to have. I think I am still thinking this way because I do fear people’s reactions when I gave them bad news and to explain why I had let something happened, especially on situations that had happened twice already.

    Is there a way to better deliver bad news?

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I think you’re focusing too much on the delivery and not the news itself.

      But somehow I feel that successively telling one bad news after the next seemed to make the situation more frustrating. I feel that giving the receiver some time to “cool down” before the next bad news might be better.

      Is this because this is how you yourself would prefer to receive bad news? You should realize (and perhaps you know this consciously but not subconsciously, or vice versa) that not everyone has the same preferences. Some will prefer to have a cooling off period. Others will prefer to just hear the news as it comes. Either way, though, recognize what upsets people is usually the news itself. People will often say things like “I can’t believe he broke up with me via text message. He couldn’t even say it in person,” but ultimately they’re most upset about being broken up with, not the method with which they were broken up with. Likewise, someone may feel her boss picked an extremely bad time to tell her she didn’t get a promotion, but ultimately she’s most upset about not getting the promotion.

      I’m only one data point, but I generally would prefer to get bad news as it happens.. I don’t need a cooling off period. In fact, a cooling period would probably make it even worse for me, because I’d have just recovered from the first bit of bad news and then bit hit with another bit of bad news.

      There’s really no winning. It’s “bad news” for a reason—it’s bad. No one’s ever going to be happy to hear it. Don’t worry so much about cushioning the blow. Just rip it off like a bandage and deal with the consequences.

      My two cents.

      2. Shell*

        Seconding this.

        In terms of breakups or other really bad news, I almost always deliver them as they come. However, if recipient has a temporary, externally imposed event that will be strongly influenced by their state of mind and cannot be rescheduled save for the most extreme of circumstances, I will delay the delivery of the news until after that event. That said, the event must been soon on the horizon (within three weeks).

        Examples of the things I will delay for: a final (or bar) exam, a court date, a thesis defense, etc. In those cases, where they only have one shot at presenting their case and it has far reaching consequences, I think it’s okay to delay until the event is over, but no later. And again, it has to be soon; I will not delay the news for six months.

        But the above is only for personal relationships. If I am a manager (which I am not) and I am delivering work-related bad news, I feel it’s part of my job to deliver the news as quickly and as kindly as possible so the recipient can plan accordingly, especially since general rules about professional decorum is to keep work life and personal life separate. I would not want to hazard guesses on how to best deliver work-related bad news based on what motes of information I know about my subordinate’s personal or non-work-related life that may be causing them stress. And if it’s work-related stress that’s the problem, not non-work-related stress, then that’s probably why I’m delivering the bad news in the first place.

    2. Vancouver Reader*

      Agree with Anonymous Educator, you can’t control how people will react to bad news or how they process it. If you say it as it happens, the receiver can parse the news as they see fit, or deal with all of it at once. The thing is, the bad news is just the dissemination of information, the event has happened, and nothing you say or do can change it.

    3. Colette*

      I used to have a friend who preferred to deliver news (not even bad news ) in person, when she was ready. We’re no longer friends, because I got tired of hearing news about her life from other people who assumed I already knew about it.

      It sounds like you are doing what makes you more comfortable, but it’s not necessarily what the recipient wants, and if they find out the bad news during the time you are giving them to cool off, they will stop trusting that you’ll tell them what they need to know. This kind of hiding seems to be me to be a sign that you don’t trust them to be able to handle bad news – which is not going to do good things to your relationship with that person.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      ” I do fear people’s reactions when I gave them bad news and to explain why I had let something happened, especially on situations that had happened twice already.”

      I am wondering if this is the meat and potatoes of things right here. Is someone on your back for making the same mistake twice?

      To them I say, “crap happens”.
      I am going to scatter-gun this because I really don’t know what types of examples you had in mind.

      1) Consider the necessity of telling the person. Does your parent need to know that when you parked their car at the grocery store you took up two parking spaces, when that is a big deal to them? No. They do not need to know that. Does your aunt need to know your letter grade for your English class, so she can yell at you? No, she does not need to know your letter grade.

      2) Consider the mistake itself. Are there steps you can take to prevent making that error again? My boss is amused that I never make the same mistake twice, but reality is I still make lots of mistakes. Can you double check yourself more often, would that help to prevent things from skating by you?

      3) Consider the statement, “you let this happen”. Is this a realistic and true statement? I come from a family that believes you CAN control ALL matter. (I won’t even start that one.) Step outside your family circle and see if others think that you have control over situation X or situation Y. Reality maybe that there was nothing you could do to prevent it from happening. So for example you were sitting in class and the ceiling fell down. (Actually happened to me at work.) No, you did not “let” that happen. The ceiling just fell, it would have fallen if you were there or not there.

      4) Fearing people’s reactions. Please read books about having difficult conversations or google something about how to deliver bad news. I wonder if your main question is how to admit to a mistake to someone in authority. In short, you tell them your mistake, you show how you fixed it, and you show how you will prevent that mistake in the future.
      Timing is important here. For one thing it is better that it come from your mouth than the person in authority find out on their own. And the longer you keep it a secret the bigger the problem will grow inside your head.

      5) There is no way to know from what you wrote here, but if someone is over-reacting to you, such as yelling, name calling, or worse throwing things, threatening you, then disregard everything I have said here and please, please look for a good counselor/therapist. This is not normal, healthy adult behavior and it is not healthy for you to keep being exposed to such behavior.

  65. Liz in a Library*

    Am I misremembering, or is there an AAM Goodreads group? I thought there was, but now that I finally joined up, I can’t find it. Thanks!

  66. Penelope Pitstop*

    I LOVE Family Fang and was so excited to see it as this week’s reco. Whenever I think of Family Fang, I also think of Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. They’re not at all the same, but they’re both odd and quirky and I highly recommend either/both. Has anyone seen the Family Fang movie directed by Jason Bateman? Would love to know what you thought.

  67. mander*

    I’m a little late for this, but has anyone here sold a house on their own, preferably in the UK?

    My husband and I are planning to sell our first house, but don’t intend to buy another one just yet (we’re moving to London, where house prices are stupid high, and even if we could afford to buy I don’t want to get caught up in a property bubble). Since we’re not really in a rush to sell I’d like to give the DIY route a go before we shell out for an estate agent.

    Can anyone point me toward some good sources on how to do this and what I need to know?

  68. Liane*

    I know the weekend is about over but I can’t wait for next open thread!
    My daughter was part of her high school’s team in the regional forensics* tournament, for both poetry and duet improvisation Saturday. She and other team members will be in the State tournament next April!! She and her partner advanced in the Duet Improv. Partner was a last minute sub for that event, too. The “prompts” (I can’t recall the proper term) drawn for them were “Frat Boys Just Out Of College” and “Meet My 20 Cats”**
    So happy for her, not just because she did well, but because drama & forensics are the 2 things that she loves about high school.

    *Debate, poetry, improve etc., not CSI
    **I resisted temptation to tell her she & K should have acted out reading AAM

    3. DebbieDebbieDebbie*

      Congratulations! My oldest child was on his HS forensics team and it was a wonderful experience for him, too. Despite the length of those all day tournaments, I loved being around those kids. And the skills he learned have served him well.

    4. mander*

      Oh man, I’d love to see a drama piece based on the AAM stories!

      I did forensics, too, but hardly ever the debate stuff. I did do a couple of student congress events and some really bad poetry interpretation (I wanted to avoid all the stuff that everyone else did, so I chose Chaucer… yeah, it was a little hard to do well). Mostly I just went to hang out with everyone else during the breaks because we had a blast. It’s where I met most of my other nerdy friends.

  69. MsChanandlerBong*

    I don’t think of myself as someone who cares all that much about personal space. I don’t even have a problem with total strangers hugging me. But I went out with my MIL today, and I was ready to jump out of my skin. She walks TOO close to me. If I stop to look at anything, she’s bumping into me. And then she LEANS into me to talk. It honestly creeps me out. It probably has to do with what I know about the way she treated my husband in the past (they were estranged for almost 10 years), but I wish I didn’t feel that way. My husband is her only child, and it is going to fall to us to spend time with her and care for her as she ages. I don’t want to be annoyed all the time, but I also don’t want her jostling me. I have lupus, and I take blood thinners, so just looking at me too hard is enough to bruise me–never mind actually bumping into me on a constant basis!

  70. mander*

    Another late one, but Carrie in Scotland (and anyone else in Cumbria or the Scottish Borders), I hope you’re not under water! Stay safe!

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