what’s the best/funniest/weirdest email rant you’ve ever received at work?

by Alison Green on April 14, 2016

Last week’s post about a 12-paragraph midnight rant about office supplies revealed that we all love a good rant, especially when we can just watch from the sidelines.

So we need more. This is a call to share the best office rant you’ve ever received via email (or voicemail or other methods, for that mater). We’ll define the scope of acceptable rants as widely as possible — customer rants count, as do blaze-of-glory resignation letters. You can summarize the rant below, or you can post it in its full glory if you’re willing to.

I feel obligated to mention that if you post the actual rant, there’s a chance that the rant author could someday find it here. It’s a  small chance, as the universe of blog-comment-readers isn’t a massive one, but a chance nonetheless, so proceed with that awareness.

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{ 1,189 comments }

{ 1,189 comments… read them below }

  1. Dorothy Lawyer*

    We are outside counsel for a large property management company, and this voicemail actually came to the client, but I think it counts. Property management company accidentally put a notice on tenant’s door that she owed $X, and had to pay it by Y date or eviction proceedings would begin. Tenant did not owe the money. Instead of politely explaining to the manager that she thought it was a mistake, she left three (3) profanity-laden voicemails, which also included threats, for the legal department. Needless to say, even though she didn’t end up owing the money, landlord terminated her tenancy for the abusive language and threats to staff. I read transcripts of the voicemails prior to trial, as did my legal assistant — at one point, in response to a particular suggestion regarding what the listener should do with her anatomy, legal assistant said “I’ve never heard that before – how would you even DO that?!” Me neither… no idea… At trial, two additional property managers showed up because they were afraid the tenant would become violent (and in this particular courthouse, there’s never a bailiff when you need one). My witness played the audio of the voicemails for the judge. It was all I could do not to laugh, it was so funny! I’m bad at controlling my face, but I think I did a very good job. Tenant’s defense? “They made me mad.” Judgment for landlord.

    1. Lillian McGee*

      Yikes! We were considering representing a tenant who was accused of threatening her landlord with violence. Her defense? “I would not have threatened her. I would have just done it.”

      We did not take her case.

      2. Dorothy Lawyer*

        Ooh that’s one of those situations where you hate to send a non-engagement letter because you don’t know how they’ll react…!

      3. Guy Incognito*

        My neighbours defence to a weed dealing charge was and I quote

        “I wasn’t dealing, I just had more than I needed and sold it”

      4. Vicki*

        He had it coming
        He had it coming
        He only had himself to blame
        If you’d have been there
        If you’d have seen it
        I betcha you would have done the same!

        (Chicago The Musical – Cell Block Tango)

    2. OM*

      “Property management company accidentally put a notice on tenant’s door that she owed $X, and had to pay it by Y date or eviction proceedings would begin.”

      This… is not a minor mistake. Threats and repeated angry calls on the part of the tenant are inappropriate, but I understand her anger more than I sympathize with the management company or the dismissive tone of “Instead of politely explaining to the manager that she thought it was a mistake…”

      1. Hlyssande*

        Yeah, I can definitely sympathize with the tenant there. That would send me into an absolute panic.

        1. MashaKasha*

          Yup, it’s a pretty huge screw-up and I would be panicking as well if I were the tenant.

        2. Solidus Pilcrow*

          I was in a similar position once where an eviction notice was posted on my apartment door by mistake. I was in a panic, but managed to contact the leasing office in a calm manner and clarify the situation, without making threats or swearing. (It was a multi-building complex and the notice was intended for the same apartment number in a different building.)

          2. Boop*

            This type of mistake happens in my apartment complex pretty often. I once had a mailman try to deliver a package meant for the same street and apartment number but different street name. I also got a notice on my door that the maintenance man couldn’t get in to fix something and I need to come to Maintenance to have my key copied, but the reason his key didn’t work is because he was in the wrong building…

            So I would check my records to see if I missed something, then contact the office and explain. If you treat the person you speak with well, the whole process is easy and painless.

            1. Jinx*

              Yeah, I lived in an apartment complex that did stuff like this pretty often. Their payment system didn’t handle change very well, so when we moved to a different apartment in the same complex their system failed to comprehend our move and routinely tried to say we were late on the old apartment’s rent. Even though it was straightened out with the office, for some reason they couldn’t stop the automatic emails from coming on a monthly basis.

              The annoying thing about that particular management was that they would wait to post / email those notices until right before the office closed for the weekend. Drove me nuts having to wait to talk to someone.

        3. Saturnalia*

          I’m with you on this. A former property management company decided to let me know about a fee incurred when I signed my second year lease by posting an eviction notice on my door for charges unpaid. I was too shaken to do aught but walk to the office and grovel, but I can understand other emotional reactions too. Eviction is a terrifying concept.

          The lady in the office explained it was standard operating procedure. Didn’t seem to understand why that might not be the best approach with multi year tenants. That was my last year there, obviously.

      2. Erin*

        My apartment management company did the same thing to me. Funny though, I have my bank send a check to them once a month automatically. When I confronted them about it saying I’ve always paid my rent on time, there must be some mistake they responded by saying “they’d been having issues with their USPS mail being delivered and it wasn’t their fault that the check didn’t arrive in the mail. I needed to pay the late fee and rent or would face eviction.” Some very choice words were said. I then emailed them proof from my bank that it was sent, requested the late fee be removed and any trace of a late rent payment be erased from their records. Then I broke my lease two months later because of their horrible maintenance.

      3. aideekay*

        I received one of those notices!

        The property management company changed after a sale and they apparently reconciled their books with some different calculations. My initial deposit and first month’s rent had been prorated and I’d been living at the unit for a year and a half (with 100% on-time payments) before I received a notice.

        The notice was that I was seriously delinquent with my rent and that I needed to provide a cashier’s check in the overdue amount by Friday at 5pm (3 days later) or they would begin eviction proceedings.

        Understandably, I freaked out. I’d never missed a payment! I’d never even used their grace period, I always submitted my check, by hand, to the leasing office by 5pm on the 1st. How much did I even owe…??

        … $0.01. They changed their rounding on the original amount due and decided that I had owed $0.01 for 18 months.

        In the end this was just a stupid automation thing that no human had bothered to deal with. I went to the office to straighten it out, naturally, and had a 30-minute conversation with one of the agents over how I was certainly not going to write a damn check for $0.01, why can’t I just give you the penny or, better yet, you just waive the damn thing.

        I left after I wrote them a check. A $0.10 piece of paper worth $0.01, negative when you take into account the amount of time it takes to process it and reconcile the account.

        I moved away as soon as my lease was up (though that was also because they were raising rent 18%….).

        1. Cath in Canada*

          I heard a story once about someone getting increasingly irate letters from a phone company, demanding that he pay the outstanding amount or else his service would be cut off. The outstanding amount was $0.00. Eventually he had to send them a cheque for $0.00 – it was the only way to resolve it.

          1. DesertDweller*

            I found out when applying for a government job that I was in default on my student loans for the last 18 months. For $0. They sent me the credit report. It literally listed me as in default for $0. When I paid the last of the balance, the lender had hit the button for “default” instead of “paid”.

            You better believe there was swearing involved in that phone call.

        3. Schnauz*

          Something similar happened to me – it was approximately $0.50 that I owed, due to a miscalculation on their part for the previous month’s water bill. So their mistake, but they put it on a “pay now or be evicted notice”. I was not a happy camper. No surprise, this was a crap place, run crappily to such an extent that I was able to break my lease 3 months early with no penalty.

        4. Rana*

          I once paid my college 5¢ to ensure that my tuition balance was cleared. Luckily it was a small college so it was simple for me to pay it in person, they accepted cash, and the person handling it agreed with me that it was ridiculous.

      4. CM*

        I agree, and I don’t think it’s appropriate to laugh over evicting someone from their home.

      5. Tacocat*

        This situation happened to me and it was really upsetting. In our case, they just completely misfiled our payment record (which they received on time and deposited). However, we did not swear or threaten. We expressed our frustration with the mistake and continued with our plans to move out at the end of lease. I’m emphatic, because we were very angry and frustrated. However, we still acted professionally and that enabled the problem to be resolved. Basically, as anger inducing as this situation is, multiple profanity laden calls are still not warranted.

      6. Rafe*

        Oh definitely — big apartment complexes in metro areas do not mess around and now leave such a tiny window of room for even a mistake by their own office. For example, in the last five years my landlord changed the (hundreds and hundreds) of leases at its complexes to:

        o require electronic payment of rent on the 1st of each month;
        o if electronic payment is not received by the 3rd, there will be a penalty imposed — and it’s no longer a flat fee but *a percentage of your rent* (I forget what percentage — I don’t miss rent payments, though when I was young I did and of course not out of spite — but it shocked me because it jumped from a $25 or $35 late fee to a minimum of something like $150);
        o eviction proceedings will begin on either that 3rd day or the 5th day of the month;
        o NO RECEIPT PROVING PAYMENT, with the policy instead being that “Your returned check is your proof of payment;
        o despite all this, constant issues with the electronic payment portal not working and emails about how residents this month should provide a paper check; and
        o even when the electronic portal is working, and residents pay by the 1st or days before the 1st, the complex does not process payments through the bank until after the 3rd.

        It is not an overstatement to say I lived in a state of extreme anxiety the first, I don’t know, half year or year of this, worrying that because I couldn’t verify they had received and were processing the contract-required electronic payment, that they’d either slap me with a penalty that is now a percentage of the rent or even begin eviction proceedings before I could know there had been a personal mistake, an office mistake, a glitch in the system, or a banking mistake. And of course the office is extremely casual about resident concerns like this, they don’t want to hear it and really don’t want any in-person or on-the-phone interaction with residents, period.

        1. Honeybee*

          I don’t understand how they are currently functioning. If they refuse to process payments until the third of the month, how can they begin eviction proceedings on the third of the month? And if residents pay electronically there is no “returned check,” so how can that be used as proof of payment?

          These are not actual questions for you. These are just appalled rhetorical questions.

      8. Amy Farrah Fowler*

        The apartment I lived in senior year of college did this to me 3 times. I always paid my rent on time and in person. The people in the office were absolutely incompetent. They would post the notice outside my door (where anyone walking by could just take it) instead of posting it inside my apartment or sending via certified mail (which was specified in my lease as the appropriate way to contact me). I would have to print out my cancelled check from my bank website and show them that I indeed had paid my rent AND that they had cashed my check. I only lived there a year… but 3 times in a year? I had the composure not to throw an epic fit/rant, but you better believe that after it happened the first time, I started insisting on a receipt. The complex wouldn’t give me one, so I accepted them photocopying my check and signing that they received it on the photocopy. So glad I don’t live there anymore.

        1. Noah*

          “I accepted them photocopying my check and signing that they received it on the photocopy. ”

          That is a receipt.

          It would have been illegal for the LL to go into your apartment to post the notice.

          1. Petulia*

            The last time we lived in an apartment complex this was handled by them just shooting papers under our front doors. It worked pretty well.

      9. Tyrannosaurus Regina*

        Yeah, same. Not that threats are ever appropriate, but profanity…? My sympathy is with the tenant, here.

      10. LadyCop*

        Yep. I’d probably left a good profanity laden voice mail…esp because my old land lord was staffed with vindictive snakes.

      11. jenifer*

        Yeah, I’m going to be honest: management companies are pieces of shit who treat tenants like dirt. Consistently. That action — lying about owing money, threatening eviction — is either a massive blunder that the company should have been penalized for or a deliberate attempt to get the tenant to move out (possibly a rent-controlled situation?) not one that we should be laughing at the tenant about.

        Frankly, prioritizing a management company over a tenant smacks of classism.

        1. Grey*

          management companies are pieces of shit who treat tenants like dirt

          Not all of us :) Resident satisfaction and resident retention are among our top goals.

      12. ivy*

        +1 holy hell, this. You are telling someone to pay up extra, unexpected, substantial sum (usually the biggest monthly expense), and telling them that they will be evicted, and you don’t think this is a big deal? WTF. I would expect the management to be apologetic to me. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment.

      13. Jj*

        I have diagnosed PTSD as a result of growing up homeless. If was threatened with eviction due to an error it would definitely cause me psychiatric issues and behavior I may not be able to control.

    3. Artemesia*

      Well of course threatening violence is scary and inappropriate BUT tacking a public notice on someone’s door that they are being evicted is an incredibly careless and hostile act. It publicly labels them as deadbeats and should at minimum have resulted in some sort of preemptive financial settlement. Of course threatening death pretty much wipes out the tenants high ground here.

      1. Bookworm*

        I’m with you. The landlords should have been incredibly apologetic for putting her in that fearful position.

        That said, I’m inclined to give Dorothy the benefit of the doubt and assume that the voicemails included serious enough threats that the landlords were right to be concerned for the safety of their employees.

      2. Rants on Anon!*

        I’m not a lawyer, but did property management and have gotten my real estate certification.

        It’s not meant to be hostile per se.

        Evictions–for good reason–are heavily regulated by law. Part of that process is meant to ensure that tenants have a chance to respond to an impending legal action.

        An eviction notice is a legal document that has to be served, and the way it is served is generally decided by state law. Most states do not require personal service (which is when someone presents you with the papers). However, the landlord still must show that they did their best to deliver the documents to the tenants. In many states, this is done by what’s called the ‘nail and mail’ method–which means mailing one copy via certified mail to the tenant, and physically posting one copy in a conspicuous location. The idea is that there should be as little ambiguity as possible that the landlord provided notice, and the tenant was given an opportunity to get the notice.

        1. Not the Droid You are Looking For*

          Yup. In my state, they are required to tape a notice to the inside of your door if you are not home.

      3. Dorothy Lawyer*

        Maybe, but that’s how it is done everywhere. Landlords do not enter a tenant’s home to post late notices. Arguably, email is better, but not all tenants have email or check it daily. Regular mail isn’t quick enough.

    4. My 2 Cents*

      Um, I’m sorry, but you sound like horrible people. You made a mistake, a HUGE mistake, and are mad that the tenant got upset? You deserved the salty language thrown at you, you threatened someone’s home and were wrong, and then you went ahead and took it away from them anyways.

      1. duck-billed*

        Hear, hear. Being threatened with eviction is a terrifying thing for many people, who can’t just afford movers and storage units at a whim, and having an eviction on your record means it’s nearly impossible to get a new place to live. And notice that the tenant left three voice mails – which means nobody bothered to return her calls. So she was falsely accused, ignored, evicted, and is now a ‘hilarious’ anecdote. Ugh, I hate this story.

        1. KT*

          I cant even imagine. Some poor woman working hard to keep a roof over her head, comes home to an eviction notice, calls and ends up getting voicemail repeatedly…her neighbors all saw the eviction notice and think she’s a deadbeat….and we’re supposed to laugh at her for being angry?

          Your company SERIOUSLY screwed up. The response should have been an apology and a discount on rent.

        2. Dorothy Lawyer*

          She left three voicemails in one evening. Back-to-back. Threatening the safety of staff. No, the whole situation was not funny – most of these situations are not going to be funny. A small part of each of these situations is funny – that’s how most people cope.

        3. chocolate lover*

          Actually, it doesn’t automatically that no one called her back. I’ve had people call me repeatedly within a 10 minute period and leave multiple messages. When I was in a meeting, and still unable to take the call/hear the message/respond.

          I would probably have a heart attack if someone mistakenly told me I owed a lot of money and was going to be evicted, but it still doesn’t justify threatening people.

      2. ToxicNudibranch*

        Mistakes happen. This was a big one.

        I’m pretty confident that if the voicemail had been merely full of rage, insults, and a lot of yelling it wouldn’t have been a huge deal. However, when someone (even someone legitimately wronged) issues threats, that’s pretty serious too.

        There’s a world of difference between “How fucking dare you!?!?” and “You better hope I don’t see you Jessica, because I’m going to beat your head in.” Being angry or rude isn’t wrong in this case. Making threats to someone’s person is.

        Re: holding in laughter, sometimes angry people say funny things. It doesn’t distract from the legitimacy of their anger, but when I was working tech support for a cable provider, I once had someone whose service had been cut off due to a system error. It was during a big game. We were working to fix it like mad, and this lady was screaming (literally screaming) at me that she hoped a flock of birds flew in my window and shat all over my sofa. It was funny. It was objectively funny. I didn’t laugh at her, but you bet your bottom dollar I cracked up the next time I placed her on hold.

        2. Dorothy Lawyer*

          Yes! The laughter was because of the specific suggestion re what the recipient should do with certain parts of her anatomy… I had never heard it before, and it seemed impossible. The threats were not funny, and nor was the tenant’s frustration. I can understand frustration over landlord’s mistake – I’m freqently frustrated over my landlord’s minor mistakes. But screaming and yelling and swearing are not professional and the threats take it over the top. And THREE voicemails are over the top.

            1. Dorothy Lawyer*

              Let me clarify – 3 voicemails. In one evening, after the office had closed. Back-to-back.

                1. Any mouse*

                  I havent received an eviction notice but I did mistakenly get a notice that my insurance was being cancelled. Which is a huge fear of mine. I called up the offices but the department I had to deal with was closed and there was no way to leave a message. I was livid and scared when I finally talked to someone. I know I sounded panicked and I wanted to curse them out instead I didnt. I was able to find out it was a mistake and get the issue resolved without resorting to threats of violence.

          2. jenifer*

            yeah, that’s not a minor mistake, though!

            I hate to be part of the pile-on, but I’m currently in a fight with a landlord who is doing their best to make me move (it’s a rent controlled apartment that they want to raise the rent on) and the idea that they could “accidentally” serve me an eviction notice, then ignore my phone calls all night, AND THEN have their (high powered) lawyers (who I have no chance of fighting in court because I don’t have the resources) laugh at me on the internet for my frustration and, frankly, fear?

            yikes.

            1. Laufey*

              They didn’t ignore her phone calls though. She called three times on one night, after hours. And we’re not laughing at her for being angry and upset, we’re laughing at her for threatening a person (so credibly that a court feared for the the safety of the threatened person) who had nothing to do with the eviction. If she hadn’t threatened death/assault over the telephone, three time in one night, the eviction would have never happened, because it wasn’t supposed to. But rather than saying, “You have the wrong apartment. Fix this,” she opted for a more violent option, and then faced repercussions for that.

          3. Laura*

            I’m not defending her threatening you, but calling an unwarranted eviction threat a “minor mistake” is pretty messed up. That’s a big mistake, the kind of mistake that could reasonably cause someone a lot of fear and panic.

      3. Shell*

        They deserved the language, perhaps, but certainly not the threats. If the threats were to a point that the landlord had to bring in additional people at court because they were afraid the tenant would get violent, that sounds like pretty scary threats.

        If the tenant had just limited it to cursing, my sympathy would be fully with the tenant, and I doubt the landlord would’ve done anything other than apologize profusely. It sounds like they evicted the tenant for abusive language and threats.

        2. Mazzy*

          My thoughts exactly. I was once threatened by someone in my building strung out on drugs, and to hear a stranger describe how they are going to come back and kill you – it was very scary, and you don’t know if they are actually going to do it. If someone issues a specific threat, I’d err on the side of caution.

      4. Dorothy Lawyer*

        This was a tenant who threatened the safety of management company employees (in THREE voicemails), so much so that they legitimately feared MY safety when we went to court. Definitely the management company made a mistake, but nothing excuses making threats like she did. There is, of course, more backstory to this, which I won’t get into. I evict multiple people per week from public housing. I don’t enjoy it. BUT, 99% of the time, they are people who had chance after chance to make things right (ie, pay their rent, get their utilities turned back on, have unauthorized occupants move out) and fail to do so. There are hundreds of people on a waiting list in my city to have the opportunity to live in public housing — people who have not already breached the trust of the public housing department and really need that unit.

        1. Anon for this one*

          +1

          I work for a Housing Authority. We do not enjoying evicting people or threatening eviction against people, and we certainly apologize when we make mistakes. However…we also send out probably a hundred evictions every month, and the vast, vast majority are not in error. The language in our notices, the timing and way in which we post and/or mail them…all those details become incredibly important on the rare and unpleasant occasions that we do have to take someone to court. Difficult as it may be for a tenant to remember in the heat of the moment, an eviction notice isn’t a personal “gotcha,” or an attempt to publicly shame anyone–it’s the necessary first step in a potential legal case. :/

      5. Noah*

        No. Dorothy Lawyer didn’t make the mistake. The client posted the erroneous eviction notice, which was later discovered to be in error. The lawyer never tried to enforce that eviction notice.

        But when the tenant got the notice, she didn’t “get upset.” She threatened people with physical violence. Repeatedly. That’s not just some “salty language.”

        Imagine you run a bakery and a customer comes in and threatens to kill you. You wouldn’t do business with them. Why should a landlord have to do business with people who threaten them with violence?

        Don’t get me wrong, landlords do lots of sketchy stuff that is not okay. And, sure, posting an erroneous eviction notice isn’t a good thing to do (it’s not good for the tenant or the landlord, actually). But evicting somebody for threatening you is not one of those sketchy things.

        1. Capt crunch*

          So the lesson is: when ranting, make sure your death threats are sufficiently baroque as to be un-credible. Eg im gonna have a pack of rabid hyenas gnaw your balls off.

          1. ToxicNudibranch*

            Well, yeah. Duh. It means you get the joy of threatening + you still get to maintain the element of surprise :)

            When you actually do arrange for said pack of hyenas to do some scrotal chomping, your victim is still going to be completely shocked, no matter how many times you warned them.

      6. Grey*

        Is there no limit to the abuse one should accept if they make a mistake? As a manager, I’ll always let a resident vent. A few four-letter words are no big deal. But when you tell me I’d better keep my door locked, tell me you’re going to hang me from a tree, or tell me about the shotgun I can expect in my face (all of which I’ve heard), you’ve crossed the line and have become a liability. What if you harm another resident while I had knowledge of your temperament? I’m not going to risk anyone’s safety nor am I going to risk the lawsuit.

        It sounds as if the OP’s resident crossed the line in this case. A judge who’s heard all of the evidence has agreed. We don’t have all of the details, so I don’t think it’s fair to question the judgment.

    5. mcfly85*

      Of course nothing excuses profanity or threats of violence, but this management company really did an egregiously horrible thing to this tenant. As someone who’s received a notice like this before by mistake, it’s a truly terrifying thing to experience. When it happened to me, I came home from work on a Friday evening after a stressful work week, of course the rental office was already closed, so even though I was reasonably sure it was a misunderstanding, I ended up awake all night, sick with worry. I wasn’t in a position to be able to afford to consider moving, I have dependents, etc.

      I didn’t leave a profanity-laced voicemail, but only because I knew that being pleasant and understanding about it on my end would yield a better result. But I can TOTALLY see how someone just slightly less rational or under slightly more pressure would do so. It wouldn’t take much.

      Interestingly, it’s experiences like that from my own life that I often think about when I get crazy voicemails or emails from customers (customer service is one of the many different parts of my job and I don’t provide people with anything close to life-essential services like housing). Whenever I get a really crazy customer rant, I think to myself – damn, I didn’t even do this when my HOME was threatened, and they’re throwing a tantrum over this tiny little minor thing in their lives. It helps me to laugh at those situations and keep things in perspective.

      1. Dorothy Lawyer*

        I agree – it was a bad mistake, and yes, I have been on the receiving end of such mistakes. But you just can’t behave that way, you can’t threaten people.

        1. Michael Scott*

          Your client threatened to put this tenant out of her very home on erroneous grounds, and then actually did so. I’d probably feel pretty threatened, too, if I were in her shoes. That she lost her home but no one was hurt goes to show which of these threats — of an eviction or the impractical use of an unspecified body part — was the more credible.

          1. Laufey*

            The landlord terminated the lease of a tenant that threatened to assault/kill his staff. It’s fine to be angry when your landlord makes a mistake. It’s not fine to threaten people so much that a court – a neutral third party – thinks the threatened person is in danger.

    6. Kapers*

      Yikes. I don’t agree this is worth sharing during best/funniest/weirdest rant time, akin to a fired-up 12-paragraph email about a petty thing like office supplies. That story was funny because the stakes were low. And not for nothing, but this retelling failed to include any of the portions meant to be funny.

      Instead this reads like a tragic tale of a poor person with possible mental health issues forced from public housing (where the alternative is often homelessness), provoked into rage and panic by unfounded threat of eviction that resulted in actual eviction, and on top of that, mocked!

      Poor person with possible mental health issues failed to react like a “professional” when told she is losing her home, loses home anyway; Goliath wins. Ha? Or, it’s a tale of criminal threatening. Ha?

      Either the content of the voicemails is funny and should be mocked, or it was worth evicting someone over. I can’t read it both ways.

      1. Dweali*

        It’s a pretty big leap to read mental illness into someone who’s excuse to the judge was “they made me mad”

    7. azvlr*

      I had the reverse happen to me in court against my landlady. She tried to withhold my very sizable security deposit after I had scrubbed and sweated to clean that house. I admitted to the damage that was mine (guitar meet ceiling fan), and proved that some damage she was trying to charge me for was already there when we moved in.

      She kept telling the judge, “I’m just so angry! She’s such a mean-spirited person.” while I presented the facts in a calm manner.

      The judge saw fit to award as much to as he could squeeze from the shitty lease agreement – more than $900.

  2. Kyrielle*

    I have only once or twice encountered a workplace rant, never in print that I can recall.

    I did once get a (justifiedly upset at the situation, although perhaps not justified in venting it on me) client (and, I believe, former drill sergeant) reading me the riot act over the phone about a critical problem when I called to work on it at 3 am, though. It was quite impressive. (And she was, as I later came to know, normally a very nice lady to work with. 3 am with a repeat of a problem we’d been trying to nail for weeks was her breaking point. Well, I think it was another more senior person’s breaking point, but same net effect.)

  3. Jake*

    Believe it or not, I’ve never actually seen a workplace rant. At least not one that was more than a one on one venting session.

    2. OfficePrincess*

      I was on the receiving end of multiple rants during my call center days, but I blocked out all memory of the details for my own sanity.

      1. BananaPants*

        My husband worked for 3 years as a CSR for a major wireless company (one currently in the news in the US). The rants from customers were epic – and over relatively minor things. No one was losing a house, no one was dying, it was just that a teenager on the family plan felt like sending 10,000 texts in a month at 20 cents apiece and left mom with a $2K bill. So yeah, ranting customer, be pissed off – but be pissed off at your kid for screwing up, not at the CSR whose job you’re threatening if he doesn’t reverse the charges for 9800 extra texts. Maybe let him explain the options available that will let you pay far, far less than a $2K bill before you tell him you hope he dies in a fire (literally).

  4. Mint Julips*

    I had this co-worker who was having a truly rough time and she would find the most inopportune moments to go off on how everyone was horrid at their job and how she was the only person in the entire team that was qualified and the Director and the CIO were useless.
    One day she decided that she was going to dole out her 2 cents during an organizational townhall and it didn’t go over well – she was given a bit of a talking to.
    I think that spurred her on even more than before – I’m not with that organization anymore and don’t know what her life has been like – but she was entertaining to say the least.

    1. AJ*

      We have one woman who hijacks -every- townhall to rant about the slow elevators in the building. Like, berating the director for not doing more to make the elevators faster. At the most recent one, the director announced that all 4 of the elevators were being renovated over the next year! Everyone turned to the woman who complains about it hoping for a smile or something. She raised her hand to speak. When called on, the only thing she said was “So this means the elevators will be down for the next YEAR? I can’t believe this. Can we space it out longer so only one is down at a time???” and continued to rant and complain until the director cut her off mid sentence.

      She works on the second floor.

      1. Wendy Darling*

        I worked in one building where EVERYONE complained about the slow elevators constantly because for security reasons you couldn’t take the stairs to most floors and the elevators were so slow that if you got caught at “rush hour” (so, 8-9am, 12-1pm, 5-6pm) it could take 10+ minutes to get an elevator. I had people come late to meetings I was running because they were waiting for the elevator. *I* was occasionally late to meetings because I was waiting for the elevator. It was nutty!

            1. Karowen*

              I think he meant the “couldn’t take the stairs to most floors” reference. I’m guessing the doors were normally locked, but they’d be automatically unlocked if a fire alarm went off?

              1. Charlotte Collins*

                I’ve worked in a similar building. Usually you can get to the stairs, but you’re committed to either going to the lobby or to wherever you have access at that point. And the fire or tornado alarm will create a situation where the doors automatically unlock so people can leave.

              2. alter_ego*

                I actually help design life safety systems for high rises. Under pretty much no circumstances will the stairwell be locked from the outside on an upper floor, and they’ll never be locked from the inside on the first floor. But they will be locked from the outside on the first floor, and from the inside on the upper floors. So you can get into the stairwell from an upper floor, and go down and out, but you can’t get in on the first floor and go up to another floor, nor can you get in on an upper floor, and go up to a different upper floor.

              3. Wendy Darling*

                Basically for security reasons the stairs were set up so you could get INTO the stairwell from anywhere but could only exit in the lobby.

                1. Cruella DaBoss*

                  I found this out the hard way after I wound up in the kitchen of the hotel we were staying in. Oops

                3. TootsNYC*

                  and in some places, going into the stairwell triggers an alarm (unless you have a key that opens the door). In those cases, the stairwell is considered a fire exit.

                4. Mallory Janis Ian*

                  I found this out after our academic building on campus was renovated with modern, up-to-date everything. Before we moved out for renovations, I could use the back stairwells to go into any floor of the building. After we moved back in, I used the elevator to go to the top floor, and then I was going to go down the back staircase and make pitstops in professors’ offices on the fourth floor and the second floor. Once I got into the staircase, however, I couldn’t get out of it. Even when I got to the ground floor, I couldn’t enter the hallway and go back into the building; I had to exit through a door that led out onto the lawn and then go all the way around the building to get back in.

              4. Koko*

                Per fire code, upper-level stairwell doors can be locked from one side, such that you can’t exit on those floors, but at least one stairwell on every floor needs to have doors that let you *into* the stairs, and the ground floor egress has to be unlocked for all stairwells.

                In other words, you can always exit the building using stairs, but in secure buildings you often can’t get off at any floor other than the ground floor.

              5. snuck*

                Most buildings I”ve worked in have access to the stairwells by swipe card. You can access the fire stairs from the floor, but to come off the stair well into a floor you have to have the access card.

                All people can go down them, and out to the ground… but you can only go onto other floors if your card has access privileges. So if you are working in a building with many companies, and your company is on level 4, 5, 6 then you can probably go up and down the fire stairs for those floors, but not into the other ones… and everyone can get out the bottom.

            2. Anonymous for this One*

              Actually, there are more and more high rise buildings where elevators ARE used for occupant evacuation. It’s part of both the elevator code and the building code. They found after the 9/11 attacks that the time needed to evacuate a high rise via stairwells is too long and that disabled building occupants are at significant risk. If elevators remain functional (as some of the elevators in the WTC towers did) then they can be safely used to make egress much faster.

              Under nearly all circumstances when certain fire alarms are activated, all elevators in a building are immediately recalled to a designated level and parked there – you will not be able to use them to evacuate even if you wanted to. In many jurisdictions firefighter’s service (which requires a special key) is available (in many buildings it’s required), which allows the fire service to rescue trapped occupants on higher floors and to move equipment through the building to fight the fire. They still have to be recalled first, though.

          2. Rowan*

            In a lot of buildings, the doors to the stairs will let you out from your floor, but not in. Once you’re in the stairwell the only unlocked door is on the ground floor (or basement, or wherever leads to the emergency exit). Obviously you wouldn’t take an elevator in an emergency.

            1. Ted*

              Fun fact: the elevators are still totally usable and may even be safer than the stairwells. The only reason you aren’t supposed to use them is so that the fire department can.

              1. Paige Turner*

                Huh, really? That sounds like a much safer option if you are on a really high floor, or if you’re disabled. My building has those “evac chairs” but those seem tricky at best.

                1. Oh, I'll Answer The Phones.*

                  Evac Chairs?
                  I’m totally picturing those slow mechanical chairs for disabled people that move down the stairs via the wall, with some older gal in one, shrieking “Aint nobody got time for this!!” while looking over her shoulder at the advancing flames.

                  i crack myself up.

                3. The Cosmic Avenger*

                  They’re not bad if you know what you’re doing…however, most people won’t know what they’re doing, and it can be dangerous to both the patient and the rescuer if you drop them while you’re below them, or if you injure your back or foot and become another casualty in need of rescue. When we had a fire alarm in our building years ago, an older woman was having trouble getting down the stairs, and this other random guy and I were both trying to help her. We decided that since we didn’t see any smoke or fire, a four hand seat carry would still let us move fast enough, so we just gently walked down with her like that.

              2. auntie_cipation*

                I always assumed that an additional (if not primary) factor was that, depending on the nature of the emergency, one would never know if the power might be cut off, and no one wants to be trapped in an elevator during an emergency. I know many buildings have backup emergency power specifically for such situations, but I for one would hesitate to be dependent on THAT, as some emergencies might damage that infrastructure as well.

                1. Kelly L.*

                  I think I always just thought the fire would burn through the elevator cables or something!

                2. Anon for this one*

                  I’m an engineer who happens to know a lot about both fire protection and elevators. When certain fire alarms go off (not necessarily the building fire alarm), elevators are recalled on what’s known as Phase 1 emergency recall. They all go to their designated recall landing (or alternate landing if the alarm that initiated recall is on the recall floor), open the doors, and will not respond to hall calls or attempts to use the car operating panel. If you don’t have a firefighter’s operation key, the elevators are not going anywhere until recall is terminated.

                  Firefighters use elevators all the time to stage equipment to fight the fire, evacuate disabled occupants from an area of refuge, etc. Because of requirements in the building and elevator codes, elevator hoistways and equipment are some of the most survivable parts of building infrastructure (fire rated walls, requirements for backup power, etc.). I’d be pretty comfortable riding in an elevator on firefighter’s service if it was necessary.

              3. Artemesia*

                Elevator shafts are chimneys and it is common for people to get stuck and then have smoke sucked up the shaft. Stairwells are designed to keep out fire and smoke.

                2. Anon for this one*

                  That’s inaccurate. It’s very rare for passengers to be entrapped during a building fire and be exposed to smoke in the shaft due to stack effect. Because of emergency elevator recall and how it’s initiated with respect to the building fire alarm system (ref. ASME A17.1 and NFPA 72) there is little opportunity for occupants to be entrapped unless the elevator itself is on fire (which is extremely rare and difficult to have happen).

                  Elevator hoistways, like stairwells, produce a stack effect that often requires pressurization or smoke management systems to compensate. That’s a fire protection function intended to reduce smoke spread through a building; it has nothing to do with entrapped passengers because that situation shouldn’t occur to begin with.

              4. Chriama*

                Funner fact: When I was younger I remember I was in an office building or somewhere with my mom, and the elevators all had a sign that said “In case of fire, do not use elevators.” So of course I thought that meant you shouldn’t use the elevators in case there’s a fire. After nervously taking the elevator a couple times with my mom (can’t she see the sign? Why is she such a risk-taker?) I finally asked her why we were taking the elevator when the sign said not to. She was more confused at my confusion than amused at it though.

                1. eee*

                  I thought the exact same thing when I was a kid! Glad to see someone else interpreted it that way. But I thought it must just be like a legally required warning, like how cigarettes have to say they can kill you. “we know you’re gonna use elevators anyway, but we have to warn you you shouldn’t use them, because there could be a fire”

              5. The Strand*

                No, no, no. That is not the only reason.

                Watch the movie “The Towering Inferno”. (An Irwin Allen production! With Paul Newman, Steve McQueen and… Fred Astaire? He’s actually really great.)

                Anyway. “The Towering Inferno” shows an excellent example of what happens if your call button short circuits and your car opens on the burning floor, instead of the bottom. Now, this is supposed to be less common with newer models (no heat sensitive buttons etc), but why take the risk? A commenter on the Straight Dope message boards (discussing the legend that a burning car would *always* open on a burning floor) also describes other reasons why you’re not supposed to use them, for example the chaos that can happen when too many people pile in at the same time. (Something else you can see in “Inferno”).

                Some of what the commenter talks about is common sense: the elevator rolls down a shaft. Think about chimneys: heat and smoke rise up a shaft; and your elevator car is an enclosed space in the middle of this heat and smoke. Maybe you’re headed down into a floor where the fire broke out; it would have been safer in the stairways (also a shaft) because they’re fortified against heat, more than an elevator’s car. Now, the smoke and heat rise into and around your car, an enclosed space where you’ll struggle to breathe; or maybe the act of your car moving down pushes the smoke and heat onto new floors.

                Bear in mind also that elevators, unlike stairs (which you take under your own power), can be shut down when the power goes. Now the fire fighters have to worry about saving your butt before something goes wrong with the system. There’s some detail on this online at Google Books, where Elevator and Escalator Rescue: A Comprehensive Guide is available for preview. Page 171 goes into the risk to fire personnel if they use elevators or need to rescue people from elevators. If it’s dangerous for fire fighters to rescue you, it’s really dumb to get yourself in that situation in the first place, when you have a choice that usually works better (stairways).

                One more thing. One of our relatives was seriously injured in a horrific fire (think Coconut Grove, but more recent) and now travels around the country to talk about fire safety. For any AAM reader who might actually be a manager! and have buying power, he really recommends safety sprinklers as a life-saver… he asks people to consider them in their home.

                1. Oh, I'll Answer The Phones.*

                  We have sprinklers in our apartment!
                  Which had us literally running through every room and scanning the outside hallway for irate neighbors when we burned some especially thick bacon one morning; we were convinced the sprinklers were automatically connected to the fire alarm, and hundreds of gallons of water (possibly chemically-treated? idk) would start pouring into ours & our neighbors’ apartments.
                  Guess we ignored the room on every building labeled “Sprinkler Control Room”.
                  But our apartment office people at least know we are very concerned-, conscientious-of-others’-belongings-renters… who are unfortunate chefs.

                3. Anon for this one*

                  No. Whatever you may have seen in an old movie or read on a message board is not accurate.

                  Elevator recall is required when certain fire alarms go off (these alarms are inside hoistways and control spaces and in elevator lobbies). What happens is that all elevators in the group are immediately sent to their designated recall floor without stopping or opening doors – unless the alarm that initiated recall is ON the designated recall floor, in which case it goes to the alternate floor. Upon reaching the recall level, the elevator stops, opens the doors, and will not move without a firefighter’s service key (if enabled). The purpose of an alternate recall level is so that elevators aren’t recalled to a floor where there’s a fire in an elevator lobby. Elevator recall is immediate upon activation of specific alarms; by the time the fire truck leaves the station to respond to the building alarm, elevator recall is already complete.

                  As for traveling past a fire floor during recall, that’s not a big risk. Elevator hoistway walls have to be of fire rated construction, the same as evacuation stairwells. The scenario that you relate of the car going through smoke and flame is highly unlikely in a residential or business occupancy; by the time fire is involved enough to have broken through a hoistway wall or the landing doors, the elevator will have *long* since been recalled. An exception to this would be if the hoistway itself was breached or if the fire started in the hoistway – like what happened in one of the WTC towers when the plane flew into it. That’s very rare, though.

                  Your odds of being entrapped in an elevator in a burning building or of riding an elevator and having the doors open onto an inferno are exceedingly low. Like, you shouldn’t even worry about it.

                  The primary reason elevators are recalled so fast is to prevent entrapment either from overloading by panicked passengers or power loss in the building. The firefighters do NOT want to have to try to break through walls into a hoistway to rescue trapped passengers, which is risky even without a fire raging elsewhere in the building. It’s also so that the elevators are available to the firefighters on Phase II operation for staging equipment to fight the fire.

                  Your relative is correct on residential sprinklers; I want them in our next house.

            2. LBK*

              Yeah, that’s how our building is. Which was a fun surprise when my department moved over from a building where the stairwells were all unlocked and my coworkers had to call for help when they tried to take the stairs back from lunch.

        2. Cath in Canada*

          I used to work in a building with terrible elevators. They were terrible from the first day we moved into the brand new, purpose-built 15 floor building. I know someone who got stuck in one of them for two hours on the very first morning!

          – You still often see hand prints all over the inside of the doors where people have had to physically force the door open at their floor.
          – The doors close very quickly and don’t always detect an obstacle reliably.
          – The programming is messed up – if they’re coming up from the basement they don’t stop in the lobby, even if you hit the up button before they start moving.
          – The parkade basement levels are programmed as priority floors, but if you want to leave the B1 level (where the mail room, shipping and receiving, showers, and bike room are) you’d be faster to take the stairs up to the back of the building, then walk around the entire building to the front door, where you can take a second set of stairs up to the upper levels, than you would be to wait for an elevator any time between 8 am and 6 pm.

          I still have to visit that building every couple of weeks, and I know to build in 5 minutes of elevator delay time before any meeting – and also to push the down button in the lobby and go for a quick detour to the basement before going back up. It’s faster.

    2. MsMaryMary*

      I attended a townhall once where someone stood up to complain about staffing, saying it was ridiculous to expect people to work 70-80 hour weeks on a regular basis. The director holding the townhall turned red in the face and basically told the guy to quit whining. That went over like a lead balloon, and in about a month we had a new director.

      1. Athena C*

        We had that too! With the VP of our department, and someone asked about the 11 hours of OT we were working every week.

        I’ve never seen the colour drain out of management’s face so fast. VP was not best pleased.

      2. MashaKasha*

        Nice.

        I was in an all-hands department meeting once where we all took turns standing up and explaining to the corporate CIO that outsourcing the tier 1 helpdesk of a manufacturing company with a 24×7 production cycle to a third party was a bad idea. Something like 15-20 of us took turns speaking and presenting different arguments to prove that this change was not working and was hurting the business. He looked humbled! He sheepishly explained that this was the first he’d heard about it, and that his direct reports had only been giving him positive feedback (duh, they didn’t want to get fired for giving him a negative one, which had happened before.) He then flew back to corporate HQ, blamed the whole “outsourcing not working” situation on the woman who was in charge of the helpdesk, reprimanded her for the change that he had made and forced her to support, and considered the issue resolved.

      3. SusanIvanova*

        Silicon Valley TeaNirvana merged with LA DinerCoffee. There were layoffs at the merger, and then over the next six months SV people started leaving after getting frustrated with the lack of direction or understanding the difference between a tea ceremony and a quick cup of joe. Now, SV was booming at the time – dangle your resume, especially from TeaNirvana, and recruiters leaped like piranhas – but LA, not so much.

        About the time maybe a third of the remaining TeaNirvana engineers had quit, there was an all-hands where someone asked upper management – almost all DinerCoffee – what they were going to do about it. The VP of engineering leaned forward very intently and said, much like Smokey the Bear talking about forest fires, “only you can protect your job.” *Not* what we were asking. I think another dozen resumes went out that day.

        1. Persephone Mulberry*

          It took me until I hit “engineers” in the second paragraph to realize this story was not actually about a tea shop and a coffee shop undergoing a merger.

          1. Vicki*

            I figured it out with the first word, but then, I’m rimed here for anything that includes “Tea”. (Or Fergus, Jane, or Wakeen).

  5. Guy Incognito*

    The best email I have seen was sent to several hundred people in response to reply all being misused and contained the line

    “If you are looking for sympathy, you’ll find it dictionary somewhere between shit and syphilis …….”

    2. Rebecca Anne*

      I absolutely love that line. I am totally going to steal that and use it in my non-work conversations.

      I imagine that it went down like a ton of bricks though…

      1. Guy Incognito*

        I found it really really funny, but it was at a professional services firm (not quite big 4 but close) so the office was really formal and stuffy, not only that but the distribution list included the CEO and other board members.

        It was not well received.

        1. Doriana Gray*

          We had a reply all fiasco at my company last year when our imagining center was trying to figure out where to send a legal notice (a contact person wasn’t listed, nor was a division name – just the general company name). They ended up forwarding an email with the notice attached to the entire company of 5500+ people asking, “Does anyone know who this belongs to?”, and about thirty or forty people actually replied all saying, “Not mine.” Finally, one of the division managers responded, “Would you dummies please stop hitting reply all!” Executive-level people had been in that “dummy” group – I cringed when I thought about the stern talking to he was going to get after that.

          2. Mallorie, the recruiter*

            I was stuck in reply all hell and finally replied with instructions on how to stop replying to all.

            I then got a bunch of replies of thanks and an actual phone call of gratitude. ….leave me alone! I appreciate it, but you are now defeating the purpose. I just want to work!

            That was a weird day.

    3. Ellie the EA*

      OMG – my husband (retired Army SGT MAJ) uses that all the time! I never thought I’d hear another person say/write it. (there are days I wish I could say it at work)

      1. Granite*

        That was always one of my Dad’s favorite lines. No military service, maybe he picked it up in jail? (Vietnam era draft resister.)

      2. Crissy from HR*

        My partner (Army E7, 6 years from sweet sweet retirement) and my retired Marine father pull this one out All. The. Time. in conversation. I can’t imagine either emailing it to their entire staff– just snarking at them individually.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      OMG, I wish we could embed images in comments JUST FOR THAT ONE!

      Actually, I might as well try it:

    4. I'm a Little Teapot*

      Oh yes. Though I’m not sure this thread can rival “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen at work?” – which is one of the wildest, funniest things I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

      1. Folklorist*

        Haven’t seen the Married with Children gif, but I had a major flashback to my childhood when I saw it! I remember that! Awesome.

  7. CursedAnon*

    I manage my company’s general info email account. About a year ago, I received a very strongly worded email alerting me to the fact that my organization had been cursed by a witch. Said witch, offended that we declined to move her forward in the interview process and, hearing from a friend’s cousin’s dog-sitter’s barber’s uncle that we had Done Him (the uncle) Wrong, concluded the only reasonable action to take on her part would be to curse us.

    The curse was unspecified, but alluded to a number of unpleasant outcomes for all of us. She recognized that although we are, in fact, a statewide company staffed with many many people uninvolved in hiring decisions in her city, we are all unfortunately tainted by the same brush and therefore must suffer the consequences of our being employed by such a vile company.

    The curse would be lifted should we decide to rethink our decision not to interview her (no word on whether we’d also have to Undo whatever Wrong we perpetuated on the friend’s cousin’s etc.).

    I pondered on the email and then forwarded it to HR, as it did technically pertain to a human resources matter. HR has undergone a number of abrupt changes since then, so maybe the curse is really in effect.

    Whatever, though. I was wearing my hamsa necklace that day, so I feel I am protected. HR can fend for themselves.

    1. Florida*

      My dad told me a story recently. About thirty years ago, there was this group of real estate investors who were buying a foreclosed property asked him if he wanted to go in with them. He declined on this one. The owner (who was not happy that his property was being foreclosed on) said that he was putting a curse on the property. All three of the investors died very young. My dad is still alive. Probably just a coincidence, but it’s a funny story.

      1. anon for this one*

        I work in a library where one patron returned a book on satanism and casting spells that has fire damage. Patron told us that Satan had set it on fire and that we needed to bill satan for the damage instead of her. The person who spoke to her explained that the book had been in her care while it was checked out and the patron was responsible. Of course the patron protested but we still held her feet to the fire for the fine, so to speak.

      3. JMegan*

        That is my favourite AAM line *ever.*

        And honourable mention to CursedAnon for this: Whatever, though. I was wearing my hamsa necklace that day, so I feel I am protected. HR can fend for themselves.

    3. Punkin*

      That last sentence made me laugh out loud. HR at my workplace is notoriously unresponsive, so I am OK with letting them fend for themselves.

    4. Liane*

      Wow! Am I the first regular commenter to recall the hapless manager who needed advice on dealing with a toxic employee who terrorized co-workers with threats of casting curses on them?
      Please link, Alison, or someone.

      2. A. D. Kay*

        Every time I recommend AIM (which is a lot), I always mention this story. Where else can you get great career advice AND read about employees casting magic curses on their coworkers?

      3. Mookie*

        She’s a very busy witch with extremely high standards, because apparently John Cusack has also displeased her.

    7. Dorothy Lawyer*

      Oh my gosh, this poor woman was rejected yet again from your company (which undoubtedly declined to interview her based on her membership in some protected class) and she does something about it and you LAUGH at her!

      [sarcasm above]

      This is one of those situations where, yes, someone was desperately upset (possibly justified, possibly not) and did something about it. And we laugh. Because what else can we do?!

  8. starsaphire*

    I was working at a data analysis firm back in the good old days of dial-up, and our IT guy quit late one night. I was only a temp, so I never got to see the legendary three-page letter he sent to everyone in management. However, he did send it at about one in the morning, and it was studded with phrases like “we should eat the rich” and included a truly imaginative, albeit thoroughly biologically impossible, suggestion as to what we could do with his job.

    For about a week, we all looked over our shoulders every time the door of the server room opened, but that was the last we heard of him. I prefer to believe that he made a bundle in the first dot-com boom, and hared off to an island somewhere to enjoy it alone…

    Looking forward to everyone else’s stories!

      1. starsaphire*

        My pleasure! Just wish I’d had more of the letter to share with everyone.

        To be fair, he had a lot of good points about the management, and it did eventually take 3 people to fill his job, so I don’t really blame him for going off the deep end.

  9. Regular commenter - former telemarketer*

    I’m going anon today. This is a little bit different from the letter last week. Actually, I think the customer was right.

    There was a time in my life when I was just entering the work world. I worked for a telemarketing firm that made calls for charities. Two of the charities we called for were on the Tampa Tribune’s list of worst charities. One of them was just shut down. I openly called this telemarketing office “The Scam Center”. I even called it that to manager. It was in the early days on the no-call list and very few cell phones, so it was cold calling to everyone with a listed number.

    A frequent question callers had was, “How much of my money goes to the charity?” Well, depending on what charity, the answer was anywhere from 10%-60%. When I first started, I would tell people the appropriate number. If it was the 10% charity, I would get a huge rant from customers. This one guy yelled at me for several minutes. Granted, I just muted the phone and didn’t pay much attention, but still, it was annoying. (Although he was 100% correct.) Not being one to touch a hot stove twice, I quickly learned that if someone asked that question, and I was calling for the 10% charity, I would say, “Never mind. I’ll put you on the do not call list.” and hang up on them.

    1. Squirrel*

      Totally off-topic but, are you still in the Tampa area by any chance? If so, so you have any good resources with regards to job leads for this area? I’m looking to move on from my current position at some point on the near future.

      1. Regular commenter - former telemarketer*

        No I’m in Orlando (an hour from Tampa). I’ve never been in Tampa but I read their paper. (And the worst charities article became national). If you have any questions about the I-4 corridor area, feel free to ask on Friday or Saturday open thread and I’ll answer if I can.

        3. Oh, I'll Answer The Phones.*

          Mom moved to Orlando not that long ago. (I’m in the Midwest, and nowhere fun.)

          I sent her a long text updating her on something she was helping me with, like what all I had accomplished to progress it, and got back “Yeah? Well I’m at the beach.” Plus a picture, for proof.

          Come to think of it, she sent me the same reply/picture deal (diff pic) when I told her Merry Xmas, this past year, too…

          1. robynwithay*

            I may or may not do that to my parents who still live in New England. It also may or may not happen when they send me pictures of blizzard weather and I’m just being a snarky buttface. ;)

  10. Snarkus Aurelius*

    Many years ago, I once got an email that said the dishwasher was “hungry” for dirty dishes and it gets “upset” if we don’t “feed” it with the dirty dishes sitting in the sink.

    I was 32 years old, the receptionist who wrote it was in her early 40s, and the youngest person working there was 23 so this was not a daycare.

    I already hate office-wide emails about kitchen duty because I make a point of never using any of those resources for the explicit purpose of NOT doing kitchen duty, but this condescending email made me roll my eyes harder than usual.

    1. sally*

      Here, it was a note saying that the “dishwashing fairy” could use some help with all the dirty dishes left in the sink on a regular basis. Fair point, but when I did start washing my dishes right away (instead of leaving them and coming back later, only to find that someone else had already washed them – which I believe is what everyone else was doing too), my favorite coffee mug was stolen. Can’t win.

      1. Lee*

        The best note like that I’ve ever seen was when I worked for a well-known shopping site. Someone put a note in the kitchen that said “Clean up after yourself! We work for [website].com, not [website].mom!”

      2. Jules the First*

        One office I worked in sent around a note announcing that the dishwashing fairy was going on strike due to the large recent increase in workload. What appeared almost immediately in the break room? A tip jar labelled ‘dish fairy bonus fund’. This is what happens when you work with snarkers. Much funnier though was the fact that ever after people would place dirty dishes in the sink, look both ways, shove a quarter hurridly into the jar, and then flee.

        1. Batman's a Scientist*

          I love this.

          But it’s also why I think everyone should just bring their own dishes. That’s what we do and we never have problems of dishes piling up because everyone takes care of their own shit.

          1. CarrieUK*

            I once worked at a place where one of the senior managers went ABSOLUTELY CRAZY during lunch one day and threw all of the crockery and flatware into the bin.

    2. ThursdaysGeek*

      At LastJob, someone put up the standard sign in the shared kitchen “Your mother doesn’t work here, clean up your own dishes.” However, for one co-worker, his mother really did work there too. So I penciled in an addendum, something like “Except for Fergus, since his mother does work here.”

      1. Hattie McDoogal*

        There was a mother-daughter pair at my last workplace, so when management put a notice up admonishing us to keep the staff room clean they had to word it something like, “For most of you, your mother does not work here.” It just didn’t have the same punch.

        There were also a pair of brothers who worked there, along with their dad, who was a dishwasher, so he really was cleaning up after them.

      2. Windchime*

        I’ve seen that email at work, too. One time I penciled in, “You’re not my Mom–you can’t tell me what to do.”

      3. ReadyForFriday*

        At one workplace, someone put up the sign,”It brews the coffee when it takes the last cup, or it gets the hose again.” HR took it down later that day, but everyone talked about it for months.

      4. Creag an Tuire*

        I kinda hope his mother appended “Fergus, you’re a big boy, you clean up your own dishes too.”

      6. MommaTRex*

        My sons’ mother is a slob, so they would just laugh at the “your mother doesn’t work here, clean up your own dishes” note.

        1. Creag an Tuire*

          A fair point — if my mother worked here, the office would be cluttered and full of cats, and I’d still have to wash my own damn dishes.

        2. Connie-Lynne*

          If my mom or dad worked there, my dishes still wouldn’t get done. That was a job for the children in the family starting in 1976!

        3. NotAnotherManager*

          We used to have those in my office, and I noted to a number of people over the years that, if my mother worked here, she’d tell me I was an adult and could clean up after myself. She’s a big fan of fostering independence and had us taking care of a lot of stuff from a young age. I was baffled when I met people in college who didn’t know how to do laundry because their mom always did theirs – I was doing family laundry from about age 12.

    3. 2 Cents*

      At my last job — a book publisher — someone posted a typo and grammar error-filled note above the sink that read in part “Wash you’re dishs.”

      1. LawPancake*

        Whenever someone messes up homonyms like that (they’re/their/there, your/you’re etc…) I always try and use punctuation to make it correct. Ergo, “Wash, you’re dishes.” or “Wash! You’re dishes.” Presumably directed at the dishes themselves or perhaps, the message is intended in a metaphysical sense, we’re all one with the universe and should thusly wash since we too are dishes..

    4. Stranger than fiction*

      Oh thank you for reminding me about a letter someone posted in the kitchen at an old job. There was always a gnarly old, surely smelly, dish sponge on the sink. So one day someone took it upon themselves to throw it away. Next day there was a letter posted above the sink- from the sponges point of view- going on and on about “I may look tattered but I can still do my job and my owner misses me we had a longstanding relationship…”

      1. super anon*

        but… sponges are a safe haven for bacteria and have to be thrown our regularly anyway! i’m really hoping the writer of that note doesn’t use sponges for years and years. D:

    5. Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees*

      A previous job had a sign that said “Clean Up After Yourselves, Your Mom Doesn’t Work Here!” which I though was really funny because there were four mother/child sets working at that store.

      1. moodygirl86*

        Our work kitchen has a sign that says, “Hi, I am the Washing Up Fairy. I am currently on holiday; please wash up your own dishes until I return.” Not that any eejit listens…

    6. Amadeo*

      I printed a little sign for the fellow at my last place of work who always ended up doing the dishes in the little scullery (wasn’t really a kitchen) with the sink, fridge and microwave. It was an MLK meme with “I have a dream that one day, the dishes will be done, not by the person that needs them, but by the person that used them.” or something to that effect.

      I always did wash off my plates when I was done if I used them, but I think I might have been the only one. I found myself washing silverware a lot if I needed a fork.

  11. Lore*

    This is only tangentially work-related–that is, the person making the call thought she was calling a medical office but in fact was calling a friend of mine. Who saved the voicemail for years. If I remember correctly, it began “Dr. Kim, if that’s even your real name,” went into some detail to the effect of: “You promised to call me back. You lied. You promised to send me my test results. You lied. You promised your office would follow up. You lied.” But the part I will never forgot–because it became a catchphrase that my friends and I still use many years later–is “I am tired. Of doing business. With liars.” Unfortunately, the caller did not leave a name or phone number–which if the same was true when she really was calling Dr. Kim, would explain why the office never called her back!

    1. danr*

      At my old firm, some direct phone numbers were the same, except for area code, as some doctors in the big, famous hospital across the river. Certain patients would call, not listen to the person answering and insist that the doctor stop hiding and talk to them.

    2. Anonsie*

      I’ll be straight, I deal with doctor’s offices often enough to be 100% of Ol Yeller’s side here.

      I’M TIRED OF DOING BUSINESS WITH LIARS TOO, MAN. I’M TIRED OF IT TOO.

    3. plain_jane*

      I am tired of getting voicemails from a doctor’s office for a person who isn’t me. I’ve called them back to tell them they have the wrong number on file, but to no avail. Now I just delete.

    4. calonkat*

      Our home number is the toll free number for a dealership’s auto repair shop if you forget to dial the 800 part. I had one guy call and he just wouldn’t believe that I was not his dealership. He got so annoying (and rude) that I finally scheduled his service, then called the dealership and warned them to expect him on that day/time (and that I DID try to tell him he had the wrong number!)

  12. IT_Guy*

    The worst one that I know of was done by Neal Patterson CEO of Cerner and in the two days following the leak of this email, Cerner stock dropped by 25%…..

    Here is the email:
    —————————————————————————————————————————-
    From: Patterson,Neal
    To: DL_ALL_MANAGERS;
    Subject:MANAGEMENT DIRECTIVE: Week #10_01: Fix it or changes will be made
    Importance: High
    To the KC_based managers:

    I have gone over the top. I have been making this point for over one year.

    We are getting less than 40 hours of work from a large number of our KC-based EMPLOYEES. The parking lot is sparsely used at 8AM; likewise at 5PM. As managers — you either do not know what your EMPLOYEES are doing; or YOU do not CARE. You have created expectations on the work effort which allowed this to happen inside Cerner, creating a very unhealthy environment. In either case, you have a problem and you will fix it or I will replace you.

    NEVER in my career have I allowed a team which worked for me to think they had a 40 hour job. I have allowed YOU to create a culture which is permitting this. NO LONGER.

    At the end of next week, I am plan to implement the following:
    1. Closing of Associate Center to EMPLOYEES from 7:30AM to 6:30PM.
    2. Implementing a hiring freeze for all KC based positions. It will require Cabinet approval to hire someone into a KC based team. I chair our Cabinet.
    3. Implementing a time clock system, requiring EMPLOYEES to ‘punch in’ and ‘punch out’ to work. Any unapproved absences will be charged to the EMPLOYEES vacation.
    4. We passed a Stock Purchase Program, allowing for the EMPLOYEE to purchase Cerner stock at a 15% discount, at Friday’s BOD meeting. Hell will freeze over before this CEO implements ANOTHER EMPLOYEE benefit in this Culture.
    5. Implement a 5% reduction of staff in KC.
    6. I am tabling the promotions until I am convinced that the ones being promoted are the solution, not the problem. If you are the problem, pack you bags.

    I think this parental type action SUCKS. However, what you are doing, as managers, with this company makes me SICK. It makes sick to have to write this directive.

    I know I am painting with a broad brush and the majority of the KC based associates are hard working, committed to Cerner success and committed to transforming health care. I know the parking lot is not a great measurement for ‘effort’. I know that ‘results’ is what counts, not ‘effort’. But I am through with the debate.

    We have a big vision. It will require a big effort. Too many in KC are not making the effort.

    I want to hear from you. If you think I am wrong with any of this, please state your case. If you have some ideas on how to fix this problem, let me hear those. I am very curious how you think we got here. If you know team members who are the problem, let me know. Please include (copy) Kynda in all of your replies.

    I STRONGLY suggest that you call some 7AM, 6PM and Saturday AM team meetings with the EMPLOYEES who work directly for you. Discuss this serious issue with your team. I suggest that you call your first meeting — tonight. Something is going to change.

    I am giving you two weeks to fix this. My measurement will be the parking lot: it should be substantially full at 7:30 AM and 6:30 PM. The pizza man should show up at 7:30 PM to feed the starving teams working late. The lot should be half full on Saturday mornings. We have a lot of work to do. If you do not have enough to keep your teams busy, let me know immediately.

    Folks this is a management problem, not an EMPLOYEE problem. Congratulations, you are management. You have the responsibility for our EMPLOYEES. I will hold you accountable. You have allowed this to get to this state. You have two weeks. Tick, tock

    Neal …..
    Chairman & Chief Executive Officer
    Cerner Corporation http://www.cerner.com
    2800 Rockcreek Parkway; Kansas City, Missouri 64117
    “We Make Health Care Smarter”

      1. The Bimmer Guy*

        Yep. You’re being fired. Here’s a few million dollars’ worth of severance pay for your trouble.

      2. Bowserkitty*

        I looked at Wikipedia and it seems he’s still CEO, 15 years after this happened. Yikes. I wonder what the fallout was beyond stock.

    3. orchidsandtea*

      That’s sickening. “I know this isn’t a measurement of productivity, but I’m using it anyway. Also, in case you weren’t swamped yet, I’ll cut staff by 5% and give you more work to do. Show me you’re suffering or I’ll show you a suit in a tantrum.”

    4. Analyst*

      OMG he is bananas. Did they end up making those time changes so everyone had to work long hours?

    5. Eric*

      Dear Neal,
      Based on your comments regarding the parking lot, I assume this means you have approved a 100% increase in my salary budget to pay overtime to staff.
      Best,
      Eric

    6. PeachTea*

      To be completely honest, I live and work in KC and know Cerner well. When I was in college (2 years ago), I was a server at a downtown bar. Cerner employees came in EVERYDAY for Happy Hour from 3-6. And played a lovely game of check roulette (they put all their credit cards in a hat and the server picks one at random to pay the bill).

      So while this email is over the top and I’m sure the group of employees who came out for HH everyday were an outlier, it kinda made me laugh a little.

      1. Stranger than fiction*

        The sad thing is he was probably right on a lot of points, but didn’t handle it well.

        1. Bookworm*

          Yup. Although, as a CEO, I think we can expect that he would do a better job of executing.

    7. The Bimmer Guy*

      Why would anybody targeted in that letter feel compelled to keep it a secret? Why wouldn’t one of those managers decide to just casually and anonymously “leak” it? Especially as a CEO, you have to realize when you’re handing someone–or several people–the knife with which to stab you in the back.

      Beside which, the grammatical errors, punctual errors, and ardent use of capital type should be embarrassing…

    8. HRChick*

      So, he’s saying that all employees must work MORE than a 40 hour work week? And if they’re not, managers have to schedule meetings to make them stay later? And, how does measuring productivity by parking lot spaces available make sense? Especially since he’s requiring employees to clock in and out?

      1. Faith*

        This is so common in the world of professional services. I have some friends who worked for a public accounting firm and were dinged on their performance reviews for leaving at 5:30 (because they had nothing to do). The reasoning was – what if a project came up at 5:35 and there is no staff left in the office for the management to call on? After this incident, they dutifully stayed until 6:30 pm playing solitaire on their computer and browsing Facebook. What sucks though is that this extra hour at the office was also counted against them. One of the metrics they were being evaluated on was percentage of time worked that could be billed to a client. So, an extra hour spent doing nothing just lowered their billable percentage. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

      2. starsaphire*

        One morning at OldJob, the VP stormed into our office at 7:30 AM with his underling, ranting about “look at ALL these HARD-working people, at their desks where they belong!” (spoken, of course, very sarcastically.) He was almost screaming. We had already been under horribly unfair conditions, and further punishment was leveled on us later that day.

        The kickers:

        1) The official start time in that office was 8 AM.
        2) I had been there since 7. There were FOUR of us in the room who actually were already hard at work when he barged in there, and he didn’t acknowledge a single one of us.
        3) The small handful of people who actually *were* showing up at 9, dicking around on Facebook all day, and leaving at 4 didn’t get affected by the punishment — in fact, one of them got promoted.

        Yeah, it wasn’t long before I quit. I understand that VP isn’t there any more either; there was something about an “early retirement” and then some quiet changes were made…

      3. alter_ego*

        The parking lot things is really annoying me because if 50% of employees show up at 6 AM and leave at 4, and 50% show up at 9 and leave at 6 (I know my office is pretty stratified along those lines), then yeah, the parking lot will only be 50% occupied when he checks at 8:30 and 4:30.

        It’s shitty no matter what, but it also isn’t logical, and isn’t that the greatest crime there is?

      4. Not the Droid You are Looking For*

        My last job stated in the manual that our work week was 45 hours. And when took a vacation day, we were required to take 9 hours :/

      5. Atalaya*

        Cerner recently bought a business unit of the company I work for. One of my favorite coworkers got transferred to Cerner and she told me that her group was told that their work week is a minimum of 50 hours. She took the retirement package.

    10. Katie the Fed*

      The guy is definitely an ass, but you have to kind of admire the way he lays it all out there. Because I think a lot of CEOs think this way – he just had the balls to say it. Of course, what he thought was awful.

    11. A Teacher*

      Apparently Paypal’s CEO didn’t learn anything from it:

      To San Jose PayPals,

      I need your help. As you know, I travel to our offices around the world quite a bit. In many of the places I go I have been struck by the commitment of our PayPal teams and their determination to make the world a better place.

      But here are two brutal facts that clearly show our San Jose employees lag behind our colleagues in other locations.

      PayPal It, our program enabling you to refer businesses that don’t accept PayPal has seen the least amount of leads in *absolute* and relative terms vis-a-vis ALL other locations. Offices with under 100 employees beat us by an order of magnitude (total PayPal it leads to date: 126,862, San Jose leads: 984…).

      Product usage data is similar. Employees in other offices hack into Coke machines to make them accept PayPal because they feel passionately about using PayPal everywhere. I don’t see these behaviors here in San Jose. As a matter of fact, it’s been brought to my attention that when testing paying with mobile at Cafe 17 last week, some of you refused to install the PayPal app (!!?!?!!), and others didn’t even remember their PayPal password. That’s unacceptable to me, and the rest of my team, everyone at PayPal should use our products where available. That’s the only way we can make them better, and better.

      I know there are people on our campus in San Jose who are here to make a difference every day. So I’m turning to you passionate PayPals who are here for purpose more than paycheck. We need your help. I need you to make it clear to colleagues, who display these types of behaviors that we won’t tolerate these anymore. My intention is to make San Jose (and every location) a place that retains, and attracts talent that’s passionate, and engaged. We can do it together. By demanding more of each other.

      We all have a lot of different opportunities out there, and many of them would require less sacrifices to our personal lives. My team and I are here because we believe we have the opportunity of a lifetime to build something that will transcend us, and will impact hundreds of millions of lives around the world in a meaningful, lasting way.

      We have much work to do to reach greatness. We’re not perfect by any stretch of imagination. But passion, and purpose will help us get there faster.

      In closing, if you are one of the folks who refused to install the PayPal app or if you can’t remember your PayPal password, do yourself a favor, go find something that will connect with your heart and mind elsewhere. A life devoid of purpose, and passion in what you do everyday is a waste of the precious time you have on this earth to make it better.

      Onward with passion, purpose, and gusto!

      David

      1. JMegan*

        PayPal employees are actually called PayPals? Yuck.

        *makes mental note to never apply anywhere that uses cutesy nicknames for their employees*

      2. CM*

        This PayPal one doesn’t seem that bad to me — certainly not on the level of the Cerner one. Seems pretty reasonable that if you work somewhere that provides a service that many people use regularly, employees would be expected to use that service, at least when somebody is watching (like in the company cafeteria). Sort of like if the CEO of Ford sent out an email saying, “Why is my parking lot full of Toyotas??” — that seems reasonable.

        2. Bookworm*

          I mean, I’m sympathetic to the message, but it’s a really ham-handed way to deliver it.

          I doubt it was effective for building team management, which is not an unreasonable thing to expect from a CEO.

        4. Jinx*

          I agree that encouraging use of the product is reasonable, but when the benchmark is “hack the coke machine so you can use PayPal for your two dollar purchase”, it’s much less reasonable.

        5. Vicki*

          Only when someone is watching (there was the apocryphal(?) story of the Coca Cola delivery guy fired for drinking Pepsi on the job.

          But my car is my car; I drive that when I’m not at work. If you want me to use the company’s products 24/7, I will be billing a LOT of overtime (while looking for a different job).

      3. SusanIvanova*

        I’ve worked with a few ex-PayPal engineers. They were good engineers, but from the way they described the processes they had to work under, I wouldn’t install the app either.

      4. LizB*

        Employees in other offices hack into Coke machines to make them accept PayPal because they feel passionately about using PayPal everywhere. This is GOLD. Holy cow.

      5. Vicki*

        “In closing, if you are one of the folks who refused to install the PayPal app or if you can’t remember your PayPal password, do yourself a favor, go find something that will connect with your heart and mind elsewhere. A life devoid of purpose, and passion in what you do everyday is a waste of the precious time you have on this earth to make it better.

        Onward with passion, purpose, and gusto!”

        Ugh. This is just, so… ugh.

        I worked at Yahoo! in Sunnyvale. A lot of us frequently would have to remind each other that we were not the company’s target demographic (which is in the midwest US and/or Japan).

        The internal employee-to-employee IM system was Y! IM; I used it.
        The internal employee-to-employee email system was NOT Y! Mail (I did not use it).

        A company buys my good work and quality of output. They buy my hours from the time I come in to the time I walk out the door. They do not buy my loyalty to their product,

        I have never understood why they would think so. My least favorite possible interview question is “Why do you want to work for CorpCo, Inc?” because the only true answer is “I like the job as described and would be very good at doing it.” (unspoken: I would have applied for the same job at CorpCo’s largest competitor if they posted it.)

      6. Vicki*

        “We all have a lot of different opportunities out there, and many of them would require less sacrifices to our personal lives. My team and I are here because we believe we have the opportunity of a lifetime to build something that will transcend us,…”

        He’s still talking about PayPal, right? It’s a payment application/website/product.

        It’s not a religious experience.

        1. Mookie*

          This is how bitcoiners talk, I’ve found. Very cult-y and, of course, very vague and aspirational.

          1. The Strand*

            All kinds of people in the dot com years talked that way, but they got over it (usually when their companies failed). It’s Round 2…

    12. Charlotte*

      Googled this one, from around 2001. Looks like he is still CEO, so it did eventually blow over.

    14. SCORM Hacker*

      I started working at Cerner about a year after that email went out (early 2000s, if I’m remembering right). It was pretty much like that email described for quite a while (I lasted 4 years until my doctor wanted to put me on blood pressure meds at age 32 and I decided it was time to get out ASAP). But if it’s any consolation, I have friends still there who report it’s a lot less stressful place to work today and they’ve lightened up on all the mandatory overtime, etc. Though I’m pretty much scarred for life from that place (and I’ve been gone awhile!)

    15. Mazzy*

      Wow. I work alot but that doesn’t mean I am in the parking lot at 7:30AM. 7:30!!!! How many people get to office jobs that early??

    16. AnonNurse*

      Yeah, so I use a Cerner product at work. It sucks and I can now see a small glimpse of why the training and support for Cerner products also suck. If I was treated the way this letter describes, I wouldn’t care either and would do a terrible job. Wow.

        1. Anonsie*

          It’s funny because, when you use their stuff, don’t you just feel like it’s a window into a company that’s this dysfunctional and mismanaged? Like, this is only confirmation of all my suspicions based on the user experience alone.

    17. Vicki*

      “Something is going to change.”

      “in the two days following the leak of this email, Cerner stock dropped by 25%…..”

      Yup. Something changed.

    18. Vicki*

      Marissa Mayer used the “number of cars in the parking lot” measurement to cancel most telecommuting, set up Friday afternoon all-hands meetings, and do similar things after she came to Yahoo!.

      I was RIF’d 7 months before she started. Before she came in, I was really annoyed at having been “let go”. AFter she started changing things, I was extremely relieved.

    19. Anonsie*

      Cerner products are garbage and I’m tickled that the company is exactly as much of a f**kwit fest as I’ve always imagined.

  13. Fantasma*

    I worked at a publication where a writer sent a 3,000+ word resignation that went viral in my industry — it was, as expected, rambling and bizarre and spanned everything from the personal to the political. I believe she does Twitter rants as well. She’s a successful novelist now.

      1. Fantasma*

        The most recent thing I saw (and this was a few years ago) was that a book had been optioned for TV and she accused the producer of racism in the adaptation.

      1. Fantasma*

        Look up Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez resignation letter — it’s posted online. People in the newsroom were like “Wow, she could not have blown up her career better with dynamite” and at the same time concerned about her mental state because the email was all over the place.

    3. The Strand*

      Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I really enjoyed her first novel, and the script adaptation WAS crap, whitewashing the characters, but act two, the “Feminist and the Cowboy” book, freaked me out. (First, she writes a creepy memoir, saying she enjoys being dominated by her new boyfriend… then she dumps him, comes forward and says the relationship was abusive.)

  14. JBurr*

    This isn’t so much a rant as a plea, but it still makes me chuckle every time I reread it.

    ***WARNING: GROSS***

    “I’m not really sure how to put this, but straight forward. There is blood on the wall (once again) in the bathroom in the file room. I’ve personally walked in on something much worse than that – blood all over the toilet seat.

    Please respect each other and any visitors we may have and look over the bathroom when you are finished and clean up any bodily fluids, used paper towels, etc.

    If you happen to know that you left your bodily fluids on the wall, please clean it up today.”

      1. Athena C*

        I was at a restaurant, and someone had *drawn a picture* on the wall of the bathroom with what looked like blood.

        Yeah, that was fun telling the cashier.

      2. Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees*

        So I get what can only be described as “explosive” nosebleeds and yeah, blood will end up everywhere. I always try to diligently clean it up, especially if I’m in a public place but… yeah. Blood on the walls is a common occurrence in my life.

          1. Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees*

            Even years later the first couple seconds are still pretty terrifying

        2. BananaPants*

          I believe it; one of our kids has a mild bleeding disorder. Nosebleeds result in one parent stopping the bleed and comforting the kid, while the other mops up the blood.

          She has a sixth sense about them now. She’ll announce, “I’m going to have a nosebleed” and she looks totally fine and then seconds later there’ll be blood everywhere.

      3. Jennifer*

        I’ve seen BART bathrooms with so much blood all over the walls it looked like someone had been murdered.

        3. starsaphire*

          There are still BART stations with bathrooms? They’ve locked/blocked off most of the ones I know of. Or made them employee-only.

          I got in the elevator of Union City BART one morning, and got right back out again. Only time I have ever willingly taken the stairs. Someone was being helped into an ambulance, thank goodness.

          BART is not a happy, joyous place. *shudder*

        4. Alli525*

          Not the BART, but early one morning I had to take the Metro North out of NYC to meet friends upstate for a camping weekend, so I’m lugging a duffel bag and a camping hammock (yes, it’s as cool as it sounds), probably 50+ lbs on my shoulders and back, so of course I make a beeline for the elevator to the train platform instead of taking the stairs like I usually do. I get on the elevator, and it isn’t until we start moving that the other passenger on the train makes eye contact with me, then pointedly looks down at the floor near where I am standing.

          A used tampon. Right next to my foot. You’d’ve thought I’d seen a roach crawl across the elevator floor for how fast I scooted.

    5. The Bimmer Guy*

      Something like that happened at my job, too, a month ago. I was out that day, but the managers individually called all of their direct reports in for meetings, due to an edict handed down by HR. During those meetings, the managers announced new policies that “all feminine hygiene products and bodily fluids (specifically blood) are to be properly disposed of”, and that “feces and other discharge should be flushed down the toilet, rather than smeared all over the walls and floor.”

      Apparently, these two incidents had happened in the ladies’ restroom (I thought females were supposed to be the *clean* ones) had occurred the day before. Why anyone would make a policy like that is beyond me; anyone trifling enough to smear poop all over the walls and floor and menstrual blood all over the toilet…isn’t going to follow a policy. They’d done some layoffs and firings that day, so it was probably a disgruntled ex-employee, anyway.

      My boss tends to be rather deadpan, so I *really* wish I wasn’t absent that day, and had gotten to hear him announce these new policies in person.

      1. Amadeo*

        Oh no. In my experience (with the extra disclaimer that this is my experience) the public women’s bathrooms are always way more disgusting in much more creative ways. I have no idea *why*.

        1. Oh boy*

          As someone who spent a stint one summer cleaning bathrooms, I can vouch for this. The women’s bathroom was always more a mess…..

      3. Anonybrarian*

        It was our experience that when some Middle Eastern folks came to visit our campus, there was quite a culture shock about restrooms. Apparently they typically did not use toilet paper and instead used their hands to remove excess waste, then would wipe the hands on the wall, and then because toilet paper obviously isn’t used to clean hands, would flush paper towels down the toilets which caused yet more mess. Not good, and not something we normally think to cover in multicultural understanding sessions…

        1. AnonT*

          When I was in college we had several students from another country where toilet paper is thrown in the trash can, not flushed. The poor cleaning staff in the dorms were very upset by what they viewed as people being gross for no reason, and the students were even more confused that everyone just flushed the paper (apparently they thought it wrecked the plumbing to do that).

          Chalk that up to cultural differences I never knew existed!

          1. Izzy*

            Not necessarily just cultural. In some countries, especially in rural areas, waste pipes are too narrow and do become clogged with paper. In the home where I stayed in one of these areas, toilet paper went in a special trashcan, and burning it was a weekly chore. Yuck, but that may be where it is coming from.

          2. Ignis Invictus*

            This is actually very common in Mexico. The plumbing / sewage systems can handle human waste but not toilet paper, toilet paper goes in the trash. At OldJob, when your facility hosted a group from one of the Mexican facilities, signs were posted requesting that restroom users flush toilet paper.

      4. Cecily*

        When I was a house manager at a venue/dance studio, any problems in our (shared with some offices) bathrooms were ALWAYS in the women’s bathroom. The men’s room took like two fucking seconds to clean – sure, there’d be some very definitely water on the counters and paper towels on the floor, but that’s easy. But the women’s room… oh the women’s room… At least I can say the problems were always when we were coming in first thing (all our stuff was at night), so, not caused by OUR patrons.

      5. The Strand*

        Unfortunately, something similar is going on at my workplace right now. Someone is leaving crap ON the seat in the women’s bathrooms, in my current building. I’m talking a fully formed rice sculpture just sitting there, as if to say, “Hey you, want to make something of it?”

        I will pick up toilet paper off the floor and just flush it, I will flush or even unclog a toilet, but that is a bridge too far, sir. Ma’am.

    6. Alli525*

      Thing is, I really don’t see anything funny about a coworker thinking it’s acceptable to leave human waste all over the employee bathroom. It’s bad enough that the men in my current office think it’s acceptable to leave piss all over the floor – I can’t imagine blood. (I am a woman. I know a thing or two about blood. But I also know a thing or two about cleaning up after myself.)

      1. Stranger than fiction*

        Literally, just yesterday, I went to use the restroom here and the seat was up. No biggie I just grabbed a seat cover to touch it with and put it down. But first I noticed two boogers on the rim, as if some guy was standing there peeing while flicking boogers down on the toilet!!

        1. Tris Prior*

          My former workplace apparently had an issue with men wiping boogers onto the wall above the urinals. A passive-aggressive sign went up: “please stop wiping your boogers on this wall.”

          The next day: sign is completely covered in boogers.

    7. AnonymousMarketer*

      Wow, I thought this only happened in our office! We have notes about this and people squatting on the toilet (one broke right off the wall once).

      One time, the office manager had to send out an email that basically said, “please do not put your feces in the trash. It belongs in the toilet so it can be flushed.”

      1. robynwithay*

        Wait. Squatting ON the toilet?! Like feet on the seat squatting? What is the point?!

        1. BananaPants*

          In some parts of the world, it is normal to squat – there’s such a thing as a squat toilet. I’ve seen signage where Western-style flush toilets are used with a little pictogram showing that you do not squat on the toilet seat.

    8. One of the Sarahs*

      Oh my goodness, this reminds me of an all-office email we got, saying, basically, that the man who was leaving blood in the male urinals needed to make sure he flushed, but even more importantly, he needed to go to the doctor immediately. It felt really uncomfortable to read, and it was gross, but it was the only way the Facilities Management team could reach out, and they were super-worried about whoever it was.

    9. anon for this!*

      This is so gross, but I’ve been the person to leave bodily fluids before. Stop reading if you hate menstrual cups. It was in the early days of having my Mooncup, and I had an extraordinarily heavy period that week. I tried to take it out and lost my grip – don’t know how to explain it, but the walls snapped back against each other and a small amount of blood ended up on the ceiling, which was too high to possibly do anything. I had to look at it every time I used the bathrooms for two years until they were refurbished (luckily it was also a customer bathroom, so it was never brought up). These things can just happen!

      1. Anon for now*

        Fellow menstrual cup user here, and I have definitely had some minor spills (nothing that got on the ceiling though – that is impressive!). Thankfully they have all happened at home and been easy to clean up.

  15. The Cosmic Avenger*

    I’ve seen a few of letters from the public to a medical research organization where the letter writer is sincerely convinced that they have the cure to the major disease that is the main focus of the org, and the subject of many billions of dollars of research every year. One purported that sleeping under a particular kind of tree cured this disease; another said standing on your head could cure it. Both were unrelentingly sincere, in every page of their multipage, hand written letters. One looked a bit like a ransom note, with lots of small clippings pasted in and copious notes (from the author) in the margin, such that even if they had transcribed a journal article it would have been completely incomprehensible.

    1. Ama*

      As the person in charge of answering the emails to my org’s general email for questions about research grants, I have been on the receiving end of some email versions of those.

    2. Joan Callamezzo*

      I don’t work for a medical research organization, but once an elderly gentleman faxed us a multi-page, badly-typed missive on the extraordinary disinfecting and healing powers of vinegar. Vinegar can set broken bones, vinegar can cure cancer, vinegar will extend your life by decades. Yay, vinegar!

        1. Joan Callamezzo*

          Ha, thanks. I noticed some other Parks and Rec usernames here, and they always amuse me, so. :)

      3. Anna*

        The podcast Sawbones just did an episode on apple cider vinegar and another on hydrogen peroxide. Very interesting stuff!

    3. the gold digger*

      Like the guy who’s been sending found objects like Barbie doll heads that his dog has brought to him to the Smithsonian, convinced he has found evidence of a species that predates homo sapiens.

      1. Elsajeni*

        My husband studied archaeology in school and did some summer field work, and apparently this is an extremely common occupational hazard for archaeologists. People are ALWAYS turning up at university archaeology departments wanting to show someone the dinosaur egg (vaguely egg-shaped rock), ancient arrowhead (vaguely pointy rock), missing-link fossil (chicken bone), etc. they found in their yard.

        1. Charlotte Collins*

          And they’re equally lost, because dinosaur bones are the purview of paleontologists, not archaeologists.

      2. Anon for this*

        The Huntington Library constantly gets letters from people who think they own a miniature version of “The Blue Boy”.

        Most of them are paint by number kits from the 1940s and 1950s.

    4. Cath in Canada*

      We apparently had someone show up at the door once, saying that he needed to “talk to a scientist IMMEDIATELY”. He wouldn’t say why, or specify what kind of scientist he needed. He was given our info@ email address and escorted from the premises.

      Someone else once showed up with a paper bag full of feathers and asked if we could sequence the DNA from them for him. Wouldn’t say why. He was directed to our Sequencing Services page. Never heard from him again.

    5. Silver*

      A public service org in the entertainment sector I worked for years ago would get pitches from people like this. 10 densely covered pages on how they were the best person to make a documentary about peeing on bananas and the curative effects thereof (apparently they had been receiving submission for about 10 years from this person).
      We would also get people sending in home made video rants on all sorts of issues.
      It’s fair to say these were not assessed as worthy of funding and were at best a joke around the office.

  16. KT*

    I CAN WIN ALL.

    This was from a Fortune 500 company with 5,000 people in one location. It came directly from the Security Department and went to all 5,000 employees on-site, and to an additional 5,000 across the globe (we had additional locations in Belgium, London and Tokyo).

    This is verbatim (only edit is the deletion of phone number):

    “Subject Line: ***Alert*** Microwave Use
    Within the last few weeks, there have been 3 safety incidents as a consequence of improper microwave use. The most recent incident resulted in a burnt napkin being found in the trash can. None of the incidents were reported at the time of occurrence. Near-by staff noticed a “burning smell” and called the site emergency number to have Facilities respond and investigate.

    Below are considerations to keep in mind when using the pantry:

    When using a microwave, please remain in the pantry area to monitor the operation.

    Recycled paper products should not be used in a microwave unless they are specifically approved for microwave use. Some recycled products, including paper towels and waxed paper, may contain minute metal particles that can cause sparks or flames when used inside a microwave.

    Note: If you are unsure if a cup, bowl, etc., is microwave safe – please do not use it. Instead use non-disposable dishware.

    If a fire occurs while using a microwave oven, turn it off immediately. This will stop the fan so it won’t continue to feed air to the fire inside. Call the site emergency number to report the incident to obtain immediate response. The site emergency number is XXXX. Please do not place a “burnt” item into a trash can, as this could still be smoldering and lead to another fire or dangerous situation.”

    It had 2 attached photos: 2 of a burnt cup and one of a burnt napkin

    2. The IT Manager*

      Although this was apparently in response to calls to the emergency number where people responded to investigate, and not just a messy kitchen.

      And I had no idea that one should not use recycled paper products in a microwave.

        1. OfficePrincess*

          Agreed. I do it all the time. On the other hand, my workplace has first-hand experience of why you should never microwave work gloves.

          2. KTB*

            Or sweaters. That genius decision evacuated an entire four floor office building for the better part of two hours.

    3. Annie Moose*

      I firmly believe my current employer would do this. A few years ago there was a legendary moment at a safety meeting in which a small set of stairs and a railing was produced so an executive could demonstrate for us all proper usage of the railing when walking up and down staircases. It was at least 50% tongue in cheek… and about 50% not.

      1. One of the Annes*

        I worked a seasonal job at the IRS, and they had a job aid explaining how to use the revolving door. I thought this was hilarious, but no one I mentioned it to seemed to see the humor.

      2. mander*

        I kid you not, we had a safety talk about the proper use of staircases on my job site a few weeks ago.

        1. Charlotte Collins*

          I recently injured myself on a staircase at work. I was following all safety procedures. Sometimes, gravity and poor design team up to kick your butt. (Or break your bone…)

    4. MsMaryMary*

      We once got a location-wide (couple thousand employees) email at OldJob asking people to please stop burning popcorn in the microwave. In defense of the facilities people, if you burnt popcorn in the cafeteria microwaves, it set off the fire alarm. The fire department had been out four times that month and they were NOT PLEASED.

        1. MsMaryMary*

          The fire department really was really not fond of us. We also failed a fire drill because it took so long to get everyone out of the building. After all the false alarms, people weren’t super excited or prompt about leaving the building when the alarm went off.

        2. Bowserkitty*

          I think that happened at OldJob after I left. My best friend (who still works there) said too many people had accidentally dialed 911 (9 to get out, 1 for long distance…and all it takes is a slip of the finger) and the bill was getting high.

      2. Paige Turner*

        FOUR TIMES?
        Honestly after the second time, I’d totally understand if they removed the microwaves.

      3. Dr. Johnny Fever*

        I worked in a location where microwave popcorn and popcorn machines were banned because or smell and mess.

        The vending machines were stocked with microwave popcorn which no one bought.

      4. PaperbackFighter*

        We used to have a chronic problem with burned popcorn in our office. It improved after the microwave broke.

        But once, when the fire alarm went off, one guy wasn’t able to go down right away for various reasons. He heard the fire department come in and, once the cause was ascertained, yell “FUCKING POPCORN!” Those poor guys.

      5. Charlotte Collins*

        When I was in college, some popcorn that was left in a microwave on the fourth floor caught fire and meant that the entire 12-story building had to be evacuated. The second time that semester. At 3 am. During finals. In the Midwest. In December. My room was on the top floor.

        My hatred of people who leave popcorn in the microwave too long burns deeply.

    5. Vicki*

      Well… they are talking fires after all, not just, e.g., smelly food.

      At one company where I worked, every time someone burnt the microwave popcorn (which seemed to be about once every 6 weeks for one floor) or burnt the coffee dregs in the coffee pot, the fire alarm would go off, the building would have to be evacuated, and the fire trucks would come and firefighters would go in to make sure there was no actual fire.

      Every few months. In a 4-storey building. That can be embarrassing and potentially expensive for the company.

      So, ya’ll laugh. But honestly, this letter makes some sense.

      1. Anonsie*

        It’s the scope to which the letter was sent, rather than the content, that makes it amusing imo

    6. Clewgarnet*

      We had a microwave-related fire in my office the other week.

      Something caught fire in the microwave. The person responsible then took the burning object out of the microwave and carried it across the kitchen – passing the sink on the way – to put it into the bin.

      Unsurprisingly, this didn’t end well.

      Sadly, I didn’t save the tactfully worded email about NOT BEING A BLITHERING IDIOT.

  17. Sarashina*

    Ohhh, while I have any number to choose from, my favorite rant is the rant that wasn’t. Our most rant-prone member of the department has long struggled with the fact that the front office closes for lunch on Fridays, whereas my boss and I take turns going to lunch during the week.

    Whenever we get back from lunch and have a voicemail, it’s usually her, to the tune of “I guess you’re not there, I don’t know if either of you are even in the OFFICE today, I guess I’ll just have to answer this question myself,” etc. So when we returned one Friday to see the voicemail light, we thought we knew what we were in for. But then we hit play, and it was just:

    “(HEAVY HUFF OF A SIGH)… (several seconds of silence)… (click)”

    I’m pretty sure we still have that one saved.

    1. The Bimmer Guy*

      That one made me laugh the hardest of all of these. She *literally* just phoned it in that time.

    2. Oh, I'll Answer The Phones.*

      I have a favorite saved voicemail :

      (spoken slowly, with lots of pauses:)

      “This is Juan Garcia…….
      Somebody called me from your company……(dog barks)…. And I don’t know what they want.
      I mean… (dog) …. if you want to call me back, that’s fine……..
      ……Bye.”

      No return #, no company name, no project reference. K, Mr. Garcia, you’re getting saved for as long as I’m here.

      1. Boop*

        Oh yeah, I’ve gotten voicemails like that. I especially enjoy the ones where they say they got a message but they don’t know what it says because they haven’t checked. WTF?!??!?!?!!!!!

      2. Jessica*

        I worked at a nonprofit for 2 years. We saved a message on the answering machine for the entire time I was there.

        “This is Rhonda Wade. I’m in need of your services. Get back to me immediately.”

        No phone number. And we ran a high school program, so…there were no services to offer. Sorry, Rhonda.

    3. littlemoose*

      My dog does that heavy huff when he brings us a toy and we don’t throw it for him. I cannot even imagine getting something similar on a work voicemail.

        1. Hornswoggler*

          That’s not a normal thing for a dog to do unless it’s go a problem like eczema or parasites. You should take her to the vet.

  18. The Other Dawn*

    When I was a bank teller, there were always rants.

    My branch was downtown in a low income city, so we had a very diverse clientele, most of which were low- to no-income. Back then, we were still issuing paper food stamps and cashing monthly welfare checks. Due to our location, our lines were typically out the door and around the corner on the first of the month. Especially so when it fell on a payday and social security checks were issued early because of the weekend.

    One day a black woman came in and wanted to cash a paycheck that was not drawn on our bank, and she didn’t have an account. I was very nice about it (I was actually nice back then), but she wasn’t happy. I reiterated that I couldn’t cash the check, I’m very sorry, etc. She started yelling at me that the bank sucks, it’s a stupid policy, and that I’m an “old, white bitch.” Yeah, I’m white and I’m probably a bitch sometimes, but I’m NOT OLD–I was 21 at the time! Basically the manager had to come over and remove her physically from the branch. Our manager was awesome and she would always back us up. She didn’t take any BS, which was a necessary trait in our branch sometimes.

    At another branch, the manager had to physically toss someone out because she was causing a scene and threatening us (I don’t remember what it was about). He tossed her out and then locked the door behind her. She turned around and kicked then glass door as hard as she could. Luckily it didn’t break. It was amusing to watch.

      1. dr_silverware*

        That’s…really really sad. :/ I hope the first woman had an account at any bank so she could get the money she’d earned without losing some of it to a sketchy check-cashing place. I really am sorry you got yelled at, but I hope she was able to make rent/pay for food that month, aaghh

        1. The Other Dawn*

          The bank the check was drawn on was directly across the street. When I told her they would be able to cash it, she complained the she “didn’t feel like walking all the way over there” and then back to her car on this side of the street. And it wasn’t a 100.00 check. It was over a thousand dollars and it was a weekly check.

          1. dr_silverware*

            Oh thank goodness. Thanks for the update, I was getting seriously D: D: over someone’s past self.

        2. Preux*

          She certainly could have cashed it at the bank it was drawn on. Being as it was a paycheck, it would almost definitely have been a local bank. Sounds like she just didn’t bother to read the bank name on the check and went to the first bank she saw (or, as happens sometimes, her pay checks used to be drawn on that bank and her company had changed banks).

          1. Connie-Lynne*

            Ha, you would think that but no.

            When my brother and I lived together, he did not have an account so he went to the local BOFA, which his check was drawn on. Oh, except that it was on a branch two hours across town from his employer, a local college.

            The bank refused to cash his check without him opening an account. The manager came out to give us the hard sell. I left, drove us two blocks to my bank (Sanwa), where they greeted me by name, I explained the situation, and they proceeded to cash his checks all summer. Despite his not having an account with them.

            Yeah. Local employer != being able to cash checks.

      2. Fenchurch*

        I too was once a bank teller. My branch was right next to the only bus depot for the county, the Salvation Army shelter, and down the road from the mental institution. On days like that, all you could do was brace yourself for the inevitable wave.

        The worst was the year that both February AND March 1st were on a Friday.

        1. TychaBrahe*

          Because February has exactly four weeks during non-leap years, in those years February 1st and March 1st always fall on the same day. That happens to be a Friday 3/4 * 1/7 =~ 11% of the time.

    2. CMT*

      Stories like this one don’t give me the same kind of gleeful schadenfreude that ones like tantrum-throwing CEOs do. Obviously the woman’s behavior wasn’t acceptable, and you definitely shouldn’t have had to put up with it. But it’s not punching up, like some of these other stories are. I just end up feeling sorry for everyone involved.

    3. Food For Thought*

      Sorry that you were screamed and cursed at! Just a note, the fact that you placed her race and behavior next to each other makes the readers mind think the former caused the latter which is how a lot of stereotyping happens.

        1. Doriana Gray*

          I’m with Food For Thought on this. She didn’t need to specify race to explain the “white bitch” thing. Most likely the person saying it wasn’t white so it was an unnecessary detail.

          1. TychaBrahe*

            I agree that using the more generic “person of color” would have been more egalitarian. But if you think that charges of racism always cross color lines, you are mistaken. Customer complaint sites like Retail Hell and Customers Suck have many stories of White customers accusing White clerks of racism and the same of Black customers accusing Black clerks.

            1. Doriana Gray*

              Person of color is even worse. Why not just say, “This woman” and leave it at that since the point of the story was this woman’s absurd reaction, not her race?

              1. Anonsie*

                I kind of feel like this type of thing is the one and only exception to the “race isn’t relevant to their behavior” rule. If you’re trying to relate a situation in which a person explicitly contrasted their race to someone else’s, including the one mentioned by name and then pointedly omitting the other is a weird kind of eggshell walking at that point. Like sure, here you can tell it without, but telling it with is hardly blowing a dog whistle (in this case).

            2. JennyFair*

              Anthropologically speaking, on a worldwide level, racism is generally between groups that Americans and even Europeans would consider the same ‘race’. I.e. one group of black Africans against another group of black Africans, or one group of Asians against another group of Asians. (And I say this as an explanation, not as an agreement on the idea of ‘race’, which isn’t an actual thing, but is instead a social construct that has no biological meaning)

    4. Megan*

      Working in customer service you discover that plenty of people’s first response when they don’t get their way is either racism or a personal insult! This lady covered all the bases.

    5. chocolate lover*

      Oh the days of being a bank teller. I have several but this is the one that still stands out 20 years later.

      A local campus police officer came in to cash a check from the university credit union. When I told him that his university ID was not sufficient identification according to bank police, and explained the other required types, he threw a major fit. He said he HAD other IDs, but he had no intention of showing me, and didn’t see why there were necessary. Claimed that his coworkers cashed their checks all the time without doing so. Well, a) if tellers had previously verified ID for a particular customer, they could vouch for the customer and b)if any of the check recipients had identification issues, the credit union would call us with a description of the individual and the check, and vouch for them. but no tellers knew this customer, and the credit union hadn’t called us.

      He loudly started walking up and down the aisle, loudly pronouncing how he was “standing here in full regalia, with his walkie talkie going off” but we didn’t trust him or believe he was who he said he was, among other things. My manager saw this going on, and didn’t even bother to intervene himself – he went to get HIS manager, one of the vice presidents. Who thankfully backed me, because I was following bank policy, and asked if the man had any other ID. He insisted that he did but that he shouldn’t have to show us. He then proceeded to call us all racists, and said that he “could sooner rob this place with my gun than get you to cash my check,” and I think that was when security escorted him out. I was completely wound up and worried that he might come back and threaten/assault one of us after the gun comment. I did eventually learn that many people threatened, but I never saw anyone actually follow through on it.

  19. Tom*

    I’m a church worker. Rants are pretty common. Some of the more interesting ones I can remember:

    * Pastor usually ended his Sunday worship announcements with a statement like “unless there are any other announcements, let’s begin”. One Sunday, a church member took this opportunity to scold the entire congregation, because only 2 people had shown up to some charity event that weekend (that we weren’t hosting). She spent about 3 minutes rehashing the same complaint.

    * This one happened after taking a new job. About a week before I showed up, I received an email sent to the council and staff from a church member. It was about 3 pages long. The crux was “My wife has stopped coming because she hates our pastor, I also hate our pastor, and I’m not the only one. He needs to be fired as soon as possible.”

    * I made a change once that resulted in several church members receiving communion after the service ended, as a group. I’d asked if this would bother any of them ahead of time, and received no response. But apparently they all thought I was kidding, and several were pretty salty the day it happened. One in particular tore into me for several minutes after the service, even going so far as to call me a heretic.

    1. Serin*

      Oh, church work. I once received a long letter in spiky handwriting from an elderly lady who was upset to have received a mailing that said, “We’re writing to members we haven’t seen for a while. Call us if we can help you.” She was very angry because she mailed us her contribution every week.

      The pastor said, “OK, so she mails us money … this is not the Book of the Month Club.”

    2. SusanIvanova*

      Not a rant, just an odd request: I’ve got a friend who handles the sales for communion wafers, which is run by nuns. He got a letter from a church asking for a religious discount.

      1. Batman's a Scientist*

        I love this. LOVE IT. I wonder if non-religious organizations can get secular discounts?

      2. Vicki*

        The standard price _is_ the religious discount. We charge more to anyone else.

        Funny thing, though… we never have anyone else order these.

        1. The Strand*

          I’ll order some for the lulz, if you want… Then you’ll have the “non-religious weirdo who ordered a box of wafers and three choir gowns” story!

        2. Bowserkitty*

          I have good memories of sneaking down to the church kitchen to pilfer the cabinets for these cardboard wafers when I was suuuuuper hungry during sermon. (I can’t remember my age but I know I was younger than 10.)

          Add me too to your “non-religious weirdo” list story like Strand! :D

    3. J.B.*

      Although – doesn’t your pastor know not to invite announcements? They all tend towards the long :)

  20. Circ*

    I work at two different public libraries in two different cities. I regularly get yelled at for fines that are entirely the patron’s fault, whether it’s thirty cents or over a hundred dollars (and I’ve heard of more, but have not handled those myself). My favorite is when the patron threatens to never use “this” library again and will only be going to the adjacent town’s library. I always have to check myself before saying, “Well, I can’t wait to see you there, too!” I recently had someone tell me thirty cents a day per item was an outrageous amount for an overdue fine. I have sympathy for those who are living in poverty and rely on the library for a variety of things and, when their account is blocked because of overdue fines (which only get worse when sent to collections…), but then there are others who are regular abusers of the library.

    1. Anon Public Library Manager*

      I once had someone scream at me about how they were going to the next library over (also in my system), because the manager there “was old enough to know how to handle a situation like this”. The situation was breaking an extremely firm policy that there was no way she could get around, I made it up to her by waiving a bunch of her fines, and the manager at the next branch over was definitely no more than four years older than me.
      The same lady called me a few months later (not knowing it was the same person on the phone) one minute before we closed to ask me about a job opening we had. She said, “I’m going to apply for it. It’s not like you work very hard at the library.”

      1. Snazzy Hat*

        Pleeeeeease tell me her rejection letter said something like, “Considering how rudely you have treated our employees in the past, we are confident that, were we to hire you, you would continue to treat them and our patrons in a similar manner.”

        3. Anon Public Library Manager*

          We never interviewed her, so she got the canned response from the HR system.

      3. Liz in a Library*

        When I was hiring student workers at my old library, it always astonished me how big the Venn diagram overlap was between applicants and horrible patrons…

        1. AnonT*

          Lol, I work in a library too, and man. It seems like librarians are some of the worst offenders when it comes to being terrible patrons. If any regular folks did the same things some of the librarians did, we’d probably hate them.

          The best so far was when one of the librarians had a hundred dollar plus overdue fine for an interlibrary loan book. When their name showed up on the blocked accounts list, they just said, “Oh yeah, don’t worry about it. I know the head librarian at the library we borrowed it from, they won’t actually charge the overdue fine as long as I return it eventually. In the mean time, I just keep overriding the block so I can keep requesting things.”

      4. Tomato Frog*

        I was JUST thinking about a patron who was unfailingly rude to staff at the library where I worked — and then came on one day and asked why she never got interviews when she applied for jobs there.

        1. The Bimmer Guy*

          I’m not surprised. There are a lot of industries where patrons / customers are rude to employees, but have the nerve to apply for jobs there because “they feel they could do a better job.” And then they wonder why they don’t get called back for their applications. It’s like… “Honey, we might not have been able to call you back because we used *your* application to clean the pee stains off the floor in the bathroom, and the ink smudged.”

          1. Bowserkitty*

            In the past I honestly considered trying for the post office because it seems every single desk clerk at my local office is a grump and incredibly slow at their job. I’m a naturally cheery and bright person so I wanted to add some diversity to that :/ But the other part of me wondered if they were that way BECAUSE of the job.

    2. ThursdaysGeek*

      I worked in a shoe repair decades ago, and there were two in town. The guy who did a lot of the repairs worked at both places, and was at our business when a lady came in. She was ranting about how lousy the work was at that other place, which is why she came to us to get it repaired, because we did good work. He was listening and remembered her — at the other place she was saying how lousy we were.

      1. Circ*

        Ooh! That’s even better! At least with the two libraries, the policies, fines, etc. are all different, so even if I did see her there, how I’d handle the situation would be different. But that — ha!

    3. Lucky Charm*

      One of my first post-college jobs was at a library. Though it wasn’t written into the official job description, dealing with whiny customers (our director REFUSED to call them ‘patrons’ – she thought it was demeaning) was one of my top responsibilities.

      A lot of the rants I dealt with concerned our computer lab. This was back in the day before pretty much everyone had a home computer. One of the most memorable rants came from a guy who was upset that we wouldn’t let him watch “adult videos” on the computer, which by the way was in a very high-traffic, wide open part of the library. He. just. couldn’t. understand why this was not okay.

      Good times.

      1. Circ*

        The customer/patron language is interesting. One of the libraries I work at is moving toward using “customer” more than “patron.” I’ve always preferred “patron,” both as a user and employee of the library. I think “customer” implies things it shouldn’t in this scenario and it has the potential to give users of the library more power than they “should” have. “Patron” sounds more intimate and comfortable to me, anyway, though I can’t put my finger on why.

        Oi. Recently we had a patron urinate in the stacks but he(?) left — no one actually witnessed it but I understand the regular employees have narrowed it down to a regular offender.

        1. Lucky Charm*

          I completely agree with you that using the term “customer” tended to give the people who visited our particular library more power. I pointed that our to our director, who was not pleased. She was all for giving them more power, even when it meant the customers/patrons were exceptionally rude to the staff. The ironic thing is that she was super mean to our customers/patrons most of the time.

          1. Charlotte Collins*

            I like “patron,” because you aren’t really a customer to the library. Your taxes pay to support it, but individuals choose whether they’ll patronize it.

        2. Cafe au Lait*

          I agree on the customer/patron language. I thought it ‘gave’ ownership of the building and materials to the users but not to the staff. The world “patron” allowed me to control the situation better. To me, one of the best examples was food in the library. Our policy was ‘snack food’, not ‘dinners or lunches.’ “Customers” decided that food *was* appropriate and they were *entitled* to eat it where and as they saw fit. It didn’t go over very well when I asked them to leave. Whereas “patrons” understood the parameters and that this policy allowed everyone to have the same experience.

          (Community college library in a downtown environment).

    4. apopculturalist*

      OMG. My sister works at a library and has SO. MANY. GOOD. STORIES.

      For example, there’s one regular visitor who is always rude to my sister, April. Always. Openly complains in April’s presence, asks “what’s wrong with you” and “why can’t you do this?!” (When “this” is something that’s against library policy.) Then April told me of this interaction:

      Rude guest: (rants about something) “You’re eyes are clearly telling me you’re frustrated by this conversation.”
      April: Well my eyes can’t talk, so that can’t be true.

      And then she continued about her business. What a badass.

      1. Anna*

        Does your sister read Unshelved? I’m beginning to think it’s based on true stories after reading this thread.

    5. J*

      I’ve worked in public libraries for a decade and I do think $0.30/day/item is very high! It’s typically around $0.10-$0.15/day/item in my state. I’ve worked in 3 different systems in different parts of my state.

      2. Court*

        It might be high comparatively, but when you think about it? $0.30/day still isn’t a bad rate when you consider buying the book would range from $15.00 – $30.00.

    6. Tyrannosaurus Regina*

      My friend who works at a university library once emailed a student about some fees for overdue or lost books and received as a response: “unsubscribe”

    7. anon for this*

      We had a patron whose every interaction with us ending up with his screaming obscenities at us for doing things like ask him for his library card so he could check out and other perceived injustices. We had to threaten to call the police on a weekly basis with this guy. He asked the library to purchase a book for our collection called ‘Dating for Dummies’. We checked it out to him and he raised all his usual histrionics and for the next few weeks, we could see ‘Romeo’ going around the library and trying out the advice. We just shook our heads.

  21. Z*

    Less a rant and more the most polite Shut the F* Up email I’ve ever seen.

    I work for a law firm. We recently settled a dispute to our client’s immense satisfaction. Another partner didn’t like the parameters. So my boss sends him an email (with me BCCd) that basically said, I know you don’t like it, I’m not thrilled about it either, but this is exactly what the client wanted to keep your opinion to your damn self.

  22. Andrea*

    This is mean.

    Why are we shaming people who have a bad day at work or other personality problems? That’s what I’ve seen.

    1. B*

      Overrated word – “shaming.”

      We can discuss situations without it being “shaming.” We are discussing the content of the emails – not the people.

      1. Andrea*

        Hey, my coworker doesn’t get it, is OCD, is crazy, is stretched to a breaking point. That’s so funny! Mean girl/guy stuff is the root of so much work stuff. We go to work to show how good we are, definitely more deserving of raises, etc. The competitive in group/out group thing is alive and well at work. People who don’t mind the group dynamic are often a little off–often times due to personality or mental health issues. Mocking the afflicted is shaming and shameful.

        Most people at work “get it” and don’t go off on rants. The ones who don’t “get it” often have other things wrong. Why are we glorying in their crazy?

        1. RKB*

          I’ve yet to see anyone make fun of any sort of mental illness or breakdown. The most popular posts seem to be about bodily fluids, microwave management, and terrible managers. I myself posted about a plant. I think you are reaching too far here.

        2. Anna*

          Even the one that was probably specifically because of stress due to thinking they were losing their home called out the poster to remember that would be awful for someone to have to deal with.

          I would also hazard that most people who are terrible to others in CS situations or B2B situations are not having a break down or have an illness of any sort; they think they can bully and yell to get their way.

    2. Katie the Fed*

      I kind of felt that way about last week’s letter – it sounded like the email sender might have just been going through a really tough time. I know I wouldn’t love some of my anxiety-ridden stress-related communications made fun of (and I’m pretty sure there’s a recording of me on a United Airlines customer service call that is probably played at every holiday party for laughs).

      BUT – it’s also anonymous here so I think it’s fairly harmless.

        1. The Bimmer Guy*

          I’m sure the BMW dealership has one like that from me, too (P.S. — despite my handle, I no longer drive BMWs for a good reason).

        2. Witty Nickname*

          If the Salvation Army donation dispatcher was recording my pregnancy-fueled rant the day I stayed home from work so they could come pick up some heavy furniture that we were donating (and couldn’t move out by ourselves) and the pick up crew went to the wrong apartment, marked my appointment as “didn’t answer the door” and then told me I’d have to do it all over again…

          I laugh about it now. They can play it to as many people as they want. I was pretty ridiculous.

          (Also, they came back that day. Then they said they couldn’t take the furniture piece anyway because it didn’t meet their requirements, and I burst into tears. They left, and then came back a few minutes later and said they would haul it out and just put it in their dumpster for me because they felt sorry for me).

      2. Paige Turner*

        Washington Gas can probably hear me grinding my teeth on the phone with them a la Marge Simpson. I’ve managed not to let any profanity slip out, but I still made it pretty clear that I think they’re The Worst (they are the worst, but there’s basically nothing I or the call center employees can do about that).

      3. anon for this*

        I would rather vent anonymously than respond in kind at the time. Knowing that I can let off steam helps afterwards with the day to day stress of difficult situations.

    3. fposte*

      And the rants are often pretty hurtful and leave novice employees bruised and frightened; understanding that they are not uncommon and are easily survivable can be really helpful.

      3. Althea*

        Exactly! I made a joke about it to someone on the receiving end of a rant – someone being subject to a lot of email “yelling” despite most of the topic being out of her control. It really helped her get a laugh out of it. Rants aren’t harmless, and it helps to look at them as amusing.

      5. Paige Turner*

        Yes, the “I’m not alone!” realization does help, and reading this kind of stuff helped me thicken my skin. See also: Notalwaysright dot com.

    4. My own rant*

      I’ve just shared my own rant below, it’s all good fun and like Katie the Fed says its anonymous.

    5. CC*

      I kind of agree, and I suspect some of the stranger and more unusual emails people may have gotten may be less “a person blows their top” and more “psychotic delusions”, which is less entertaining and more sad.

    6. Katniss*

      Well, if they’re just having a bad day and react by acting abusive/ranting at others, they deserve shaming.

      As far as personality problems go, we have no way of knowing one way or the other if ANYONE has those, so any negative story on any site ever would be mean.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I don’t necessarily agree. I think it’s compassionate to say “Wow! That email was really over the top. Are you doing ok?”

        You never know what someone’s going through.

        But again, since it’s anonymous, I can enjoy a good laugh.

    7. Squirrel*

      Everyone pack it in. We can’t have fun because of one person’s personal experience, and we all know that an anecdote for one person holds true for everyone else.

    8. I'm a Little Teapot*

      Assholes like Neal Patterson (the scummy CEO above) deserve, at the least, to be mocked and shamed. Their behavior is seriously hurtful to people far less powerful than they are, in addition to being ridiculous. I honestly don’t give a flying flip about his feelings hypothetically being hurt in the very unlikely event that he reads this. And it’s not like we’re stalking people or Twitter-mobbing them or something; most of these posts don’t name any names, and the ones that do were already pretty well-known.

      If you want to see what really cruel behavior looks like, see yesterday’s post about the “internet hate mob.”

    9. Lily in NYC*

      It’s anonymous. It’s human nature. It’s cathartic. I don’t feel remotely guilty laughing about bad behavior meltdowns. I laugh at myself way more than I laugh at anyone else.

      1. Andrea*

        Not so anonymous. I tell many people, mentees included, to follow this site. It has a wide audience.

        Would you want something you wrote showing up in this thread?

        1. Lily in NYC*

          Sure, how would anyone be able to tie it to me? It’s not like my real name is Lily in NYC.

          1. Andrea*

            The 12 paragraph rant last week had me flipping it to my husband, who works in a similar educational environment. Not even 6 degrees.

            1. Lily in NYC*

              I have no idea what you are saying here. How does showing it to your husband change anything? It’s still anonymous.

            2. NoProfitNoProblems*

              If you’re that strongly against ‘shaming’ rants like this, then I really advise you to stop sharing them when you see them.

        2. Nervous Accountant*

          I wonder about this., not for this particular topic, but about being anonymous. I’ve recommended this site to a few of my coworkers and friends/acquaintances…I’m pretty sure that if someone were to follow my posts they could figure it out, but maybe it’s my own insecurities here saying that (like why would anyone wanna follow me??) etc.

          1. Granite*

            Another forum I used to frequent referred to it as being pseudononymous.

            I tend not to bother trying to be anonymous, many folks who know be in real life would recognise my writing style, especially when combined with other details I’ve shared. I just want to be un-googleable. As in, googling my name will not turn up any of my social media activity.

            1. Granite*

              Further, there’s a running forum where I will talk about my results, including race name and time, which can be linked to me through publicly posted race results, so I’m absolutely not anonymous. But googling my name will not bring up that post about how the race went.

              1. Elsajeni*

                This is the way I approach it, too. If someone who knows me IRL stumbled across my online presence, they’d probably be able to figure out who I was — my writing style is recognizable, I’ve used my real first name in a few places and posted photos of myself in others, I’ve referenced enough of my somewhat-uncommon hobbies that you could put two and two together, etc. But someone searching my name wouldn’t find my blog, and someone reverse-searching the stuff on my blog wouldn’t be able to link it back to my name.

            2. Talvi*

              Pretty much this. I use the same 3-4 screen names across a variety of sites (with varying degrees of googleability – “talvi”, for example, is a common noun in Finnish and therefore not terribly googleable). But none of my screen names are associated with my IRL name – I’ve checked (which is good, because I’m pretty sure I’m the only [Real Name] on the planet). Does that mean it’s impossible to link me to any of my screen names? No, but it’d take a lot of work.

      3. Not the Droid You are Looking For*

        I think those posts where people have posted their own rants on this thread are fantastic.

    10. Emmy*

      Which of us hasn’t slammed her coat in the door when trying to make a dramatic angry exit? Okay, maybe just me…. Or left her bag behind and had to come back to get it… … just me again? I laugh about it now. You can laugh about it too. It was silly. It was foolish. It was over the top. It was funny. (Mental illness is not funny, but tantrums by grown people who really do know better? Can be very funny.)

    11. Hellanon*

      I disagree. These kinds of rants – email, phone, etc – are usually attempts to bully or intimidate the recipients into doing what the ranter wants. Pointing & laughing in an anonymous internet forum is a good way to bleed off the stress that ensues when you’re on the receiving end – and whether they’re overtly aggressive or passive-aggressive, responding appropriately to a rant *in the moment* can be really challenging. Especially if you’re being yelled at, metaphorically speaking, by someone in the boss or client category…

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I don’t know if that’s true (“attempts to bully or intimate the recipients”). Sometimes people are just all out of coping skills. I think I’m a little more compassionate about this because I’ve suffered from anxiety intermittently throughout my life, and there are definitely times when it’s just not possible to cope rationally anymore.

        Like, I was at a wedding, and my friend (the groom’s) mom was just flipping out at a caterer for something. But it wasn’t hostile – I could sense that element of desperation and exhaustion and stress in her behavior. I just went over to her and gave her a hug and told her what a lovely wedding it was and asked if she’d like to get a drink, and she burst into tears. She was just that stressed.

        So I think that’s some of what you’re seeing in these rants. Not everyone is an asshole. Some people are just at the end of their rope. So I totally get Andrea’s point that it’s not cool to make fun of people in those situations. But I think since they’re all anonymous it’s ok.

        1. Nicole J.*

          “Like, I was at a wedding, and my friend (the groom’s) mom was just flipping out at a caterer for something. But it wasn’t hostile.” This might have felt pretty hostile to the person on the receiving end though.

          1. Sarashina*

            Yes, this!! As someone in a position where people tend to unload on me, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt wherever I can, and as someone with pretty persistent anxiety, I try not to conflate people who are overwhelmed with people who are looking for a punching bag. But just like I don’t know what’s going on in their life, they don’t know what’s going on in mine, either, and in the moment these things can feel really hostile.

            1. I'm a Little Teapot*

              I also have an anxiety disorder and when I was younger and it was poorly controlled I went off on some truly epic rants. I’m very ashamed of them, but they probably felt pretty hostile to the recipients, and they have a perfect right to laugh at (or be angry/upset at) me because of my shitty behavior.

          3. Observer*

            It almost certainly did. I’ve seen this play out on occasion, and really I don’t care how nice a person is, these rants are very hard on the person on the receiving end. I’d do a lot less laughing and have more sympathy if an apology followed at some point.

    12. NK*

      Today I cried (like serious tears) while getting lunch because I couldn’t get the “redeem” button on the groupon to work and the place was being inflexible about it. And this six-months-pregnant woman was HUNGRY! Thank goodness my husband was with me and the guy at the lunch place relented.

      I’m sure the guy had a laugh at my expense later, or at least a good story to tell. Maybe it’s mean to laugh about a crazy hormonal pregnant woman, but I don’t blame them. And no one they tell the story to will have any idea who I am.

      1. catsAreCool*

        I hope people don’t laugh at tears the way people make fun of those who act like jerks.

  23. AcademiaDork*

    I have one from a student I worked with a few years ago when I was doing IT support. I was trying to help “Tina” take a math test online – she needed to update the Java on her computer, and that would fix the problem. However she totally refused, and kept saying someone was hacking her math test every time she tried to take it. I knew for certain that updating Java would fix her issue, but after several emails back and forth, she still wouldn’t do it. Other people tried to help Tina, but to no avail. Eventually she sent a long email to the chancellor of the university system (big state university) saying that she was being hacked repeatedly, that it was probably the federal government as they had been trying to keep her from going to college ever since they booted her out of the army, and that she lived out in the country because it was harder for the government to track her down that way.

    As expected, the chancellor handed her off to our provost to deal with, and after many more emails (she refused to communicate any other way) in which we tried to help her, she finally told us that we must have moles from the federal government at our school and then she disappeared. Some days I wonder what happened to Tina…

  24. super anon*

    i wish i still had the text of these emails, but a recounting will have to do i suppose.

    during my undergrad years i worked for a brief time for a family run business (husband & wife) in their home office. i had been tutoring the owner’s children for a year, and during the summer they asked me if i wanted to work in the office. i said sure, because i only had 2 months between classes that year, and what could possibly go wrong for 2 months?

    in short – EVERYTHING. the place was insanely dysfunctional. to an absolutely absurd degree. the wife went away with the children to Europe for most of the time I was there. Every day she would send us emails of what to do. Execept they were usually written in bright red font, in caps lock, in comic sans. They would also always be 1000 words or more, and full of ?????!!!!!!!!, usually after every line of the email. She would send us these emails at 2 AM our time, and they call us 5 minutes after the office open to demand to know what had been done, and why we weren’t working fast enough. She would call multiple times throughout the day and yell at us – sometimes she would even call to yell at us and write an email at the same time!

    The final straw for me was when she came back from her trip. Her husband had been working with a Chinese distributor to have their product begin distribution in Asian. The distributor wanted to know our sales figures for the last quarter, and also to see our warehouse to get a feel of how our North American distribution worked and if the process was suitable for the Asian market or if we would need to change it. When the owner came back she was furious. She was convinced that the Chinese distributor was actually a Chinese spy sent by the Chinese government to steal her industry secrets and information and to take back to China to create a knock off of her product (note: at this point there was already several Chinese knock offs of the product) and to steal all of her profits. When she found out the Chinese distributor had seen one of our warehouses and knew our sales figures, she absolutely lost it. She was running through the house screaming at her husband and throwing things at him (during business hours! while her employees and children were there!). She opened the office door and screamed at us too, telling us that she knew we were always conspiring against her, we were horrible employees and that we had betrayed her by letting this Chinese person into her business. We should have known that the Chinese couldn’t be trusted. This went on for 30 minutes. It ended with her scream threatening to close down the business and to divorce her husband for how badly he had treated her.

    I decided the next day to quit – and I did. When I quit she withheld my last pay cheque from me, and then made me come back to get it 2 weeks later from her office. When I got there, her and her husband berated me and told me everything that was wrong with me and how I was a terrible employee, and how because I had quit I would never find work again and all employers were like this so I would just have to get used to this kind of treatment. It was a 20 minute conversation, and they only gave me my cheque when I threatened to report them to the CRA for tax evasion (they said that all of their employees were contractors so they wouldn’t have to pay taxes on their wages, or benefits, etc) and to the labour board. The best part? After all of this, they still expected me to come back to tutor their kids like nothing had happened!

    I heard later that their business continued to operate for a few years, but they had begun to withhold payment from employees after they quit (they only hired 1st & 2nd year university students who they figured didn’t know their rights and wouldn’t complain). Someone went to the labour board and the CRA – and they are now being audited for tax evasion and tax fraud, in addition to an investigation by the labour people, where they will likely have to pay a ton of fines. They’ve also been banned from using the local universities’ job board to recruit students. Needless to say, I found several other jobs since, so I think it all worked out in the end.

    3. Chickaletta*

      Oooh, I love a good ending. This is what I secretly happens to my former boss and his wife. They didn’t yell, but they’re clueless about their industry and avoid critical safety measures in order to save money. If OSHA ever shows up on a work site they would be shut down immediately. As far as I know they’re still in business, but it’s only a matter of time. They also can’t budget and have a serious cash flow problem. How they’re operating a business with employees is beyond me.

      1. Allison in Alaska*

        I am decidedly not a safety professional, but in my industry we cater to many companies who do safety incentive programs (we provide the branded items, come up with programs, etc). I was at a safety conference recently to touch base with a few clients, and heard stories from some of the guest speakers about some of the super-preventable workplace fatalities that took place in our state last year… it was truly sobering and horrifying. I ate lunch with a group of OSHA inspectors (they were much nicer and more fun than one might think!), and I learned that as a former employee you can definitely file an online complaint anonymously against a former employer. This might be way overboard given that I don’t know the context of the industry your former boss was in, but if you truly think current employees could be in danger, it’s possible to alert OSHA and have a local inspector check in – without your name coming up. I learned that these type of complaints are generally treated as non-urgent, but are almost always followed up on. Just food for thought!

      2. anon for this*

        You can do a lot of things and people won’t report you. Everyone assumes that you are following the rules. Union Carbide (of the Bhopal disaster infamy) built a plant in Seadrift Texas without getting any permits to do so. They got the permits after it was built. My details are fuzzy but read An Unreasonable Woman: A True Story of Shrimpers, Politicos, Polluters, and the Fight for Seadrift, Texas by Diane Wilson if you want your eyebrows raised way high.

        1. The Strand*

          Thanks for sharing this book. Corpus Christi has an interesting dynamic from what I hear (friend lives down there), makes me wonder if it was easier to do that than in some places. Not that I am blaming the townspeople, but some towns have the NIMBY-alert system set up tighter than others.

    4. Snork Maiden*

      What is it with people who go absolutely off the deep end and then keep expecting you to show up like it never happened?

    5. MsChanandlerBong*

      OMG, did you work for my FIL? He is absolutely convinced that all of his competitors in China and Korea are constantly spying on his website and looking for ways to undercut his business. In fact, he refuses to create a price list because he’s afraid one of the “spies” will get the list and slash their prices so he can’t compete. So if a potential customer asks for a price list, his secretary has to tell them there isn’t one.

      1. Collarbone High*

        I’m going to be laughing at “spying on his website” for the rest of the week at least.

  25. KT*

    Oh, and this isn’t a rant, but my favorite voicemail message of all time.

    For same Fortune 500 company mentioned above, when there was a big milestone, major leaders would do an all-employee voicemail so it would be the first thing we saw/heard in the morning. It was a big deal to have one of these voicemails go out, and it happened only for the biggest of events (i.e.e exceeded our profit expectations by 200%).

    Well, the company Sr. Vice President was assigned to do an all-employee voicemail announcing the launch of a new product. Such a message is carefully scripted, reviewed by lawyers, and practiced a thousand times.

    So she did the voicemail, and it was beautifully done, very professional. But then she ended it with:

    “This is obviously a major milestone for us and I thank you all for your hard work. LOVE YOU, BYE!”

    You could tell the “love you” was just a reflex she added to the conversation because there was a pause, then a “AHHHHHHHHH!” before it ended.

    She tried to recall it. It didn’t work. It was both hilarious and sad and we all saved it.

    To this day, whenever I leave a voicemail message, I tell myself the whole time ‘Dont say I love you, don’t say I love you”

    2. Sarah in DC*

      aww, I actually love this one, I think that’s kinda sweet. I once ended a voicemail “Thanks, Sarah” as though I was signing an email and I inadvertently called a coworker who reminds me of a close friend the silly pet name I call that friend this week. At least I never called a teacher Mom :)

        2. Vicki*

          Does she start them with “This is Mom, in [Town]”?

          I know someone whose mother did this all the time.

          1. mander*

            My Dad often starts voicemail with “this is your father speaking”. As though he sounds like anyone else!

            1. Alix*

              I once confused a family friend with my father over the phone, and recently I had to interrupt my upset sister to ask if this was really my sister calling, so I’m actually grateful when people do this.

          2. Usually_Lurking*

            I always use voice-to-text and speak my text messages. One day at work I left a voice message for someone and realized after the fact that I had actually said “comma,” “period,” and “exclamation point.” Felt like an idiot but it was never mentioned.

      2. Lioness*

        I did…
        I was having a personal crisis at home, so I am deep in thought and teacher came over to my desk and yelled at me and asked “are you listening?” I was yanked out of my thoughts so quickly that I automatically replied “Yes, mom”

        My friends did no let me forget it for the rest of the year! And this teacher was colorful, so it was like ‘ha-ha you’re weird teacher’s weird daughter… ha ha”

    3. Sarahnova*

      That’s hilarious. And fairly cute, if you ask me! I think she would have become my favourite leader, instantly.

      1. Tyrannosaurus Regina*

        It’s the pause followed by the “Aaaaaaahhhhh!” that really elevates this one to legendary status.

    9. Marzipan*

      I am really glad everyone else in my office has gone home because I’m sitting at my desk, cackling away.

    11. Snazzy Hat*

      Last week I accidentally gave my father an air-smooch over the phone. My s.o. & I do that to each other, and as I was saying goodbye to my father (“Love you!” / “Love you too”), I was in the same room as my s.o. and just smooched at the phone on reflex.

        1. Jinx*

          I’ve actually tried to avoid making “love you, bye” a habit when talking to Mr. Jinx on the phone. Not because I don’t love him, but because I’m *totally* the type of person to do something like this.

          1. George*

            Some friends had a parrot, whose most common phrase was “bye, love you,” because the wife ended so many phone calls with that phrase.

    12. Mrs. Fergus*

      One of the vendors at OldJob had the same unusual first name as my husband. You don’t want to know how many phone calls I ended with something like “thanks, Fergus! Love you!” out of habit.

      …fortunately, I told him “Huh, my husband’s name is Fergus and I’ve never met another one” the first time we met, but still.

    13. Marissa*

      My dad’s a physician and used to do dictations. One time, we were going on a family vacation, and he had to record his outgoing message for when he’d be out of his office. He kept ending all his sentences with “period” (as in vocalizing the word in the message), and it took him about 10 times to get it recorded normally. My mom and I were laughing and laughing, and he had to keep waving at us to shut up and go away so he could try again.

      1. Cathy*

        When I was in my pediatrics rotation in nursing school, one of the local docs was sitting comfortably in the nurse’s station, dictating notes into his little recorder. Picture this cheery, portly little doctor sitting, legs wide spread, elbows on knees and chatting quietly into a loosely held recorder. Up comes one of our recovering patients, a cute little toddler about 3 years old. Faster than a striking cobra, she snatched the recorder out of his hand and sped off down the hallway, delightedly babbling in incomprehensible babyspeech into the recorder. As he straightened up to go after her, the doctor looked at all of us with a huge grin and said “I can’t wait to see my secretary try to transcribe THAT!”.

        2. Carpe Librarium*

          My dad told me about a slightly older colleague of his who was very proficient with dictation, and this colleague would put little jokes in amongst his formatting comments to amuse the transcribers.
          Every now and then my dad would hear typing briefly stop as poorly muffled snorts of laughter emitted from one end of the office.

    14. Gillian*

      This would make me like my company’s leadership more. Makes the “suits” seem much more human and like real people, too.

    15. Lily in NYC*

      I accidentally signed an email I sent to the entire office by writing “Love, Lily”. I got teased for a long time over that.

    16. Cat like that*

      My MIL often does talk-to-text rather than typing on her phone. One day I got a voicemail from her that went, “Hi [Cat like that], I’m calling to see what time you’re coming over next weekend. Period. Wait…damn it!”

    17. Rebecca in Dallas*

      Bahahaha! That is really funny and cute. And I’m terrified of it happening to me.

  26. KarenT*

    I think I’ve posted about this here before, but I’ll share one of mine.

    I was working at a large publisher that had a beloved but fairly cranky admin assistant. Pretty much everyone in that office respected her because she was so good at her job, but everyone was also afraid of her. The company president and the VPs were having a meeting with some VIP authors and they asked me to take the minutes instead of her as I was moving on to the project team. So I’m sitting there, a very entry level employee (like 2 months out of university) and all the VPs and the president’s blackberries buzz at the same time. They all sort of discreetly pick up their phones and all started snickering. I was curious, but of course didn’t say anything.

    I go back to my desk, log in to my email, and there’s an email from the cranky admin that was in all caps (Paraphrased below):

    TO THE PERSON WHO TOOK MY THREE HOLE PUNCH, YOU NEED TO PUT IT BACK IMMEDIATELY. I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, BUT IT’S MINE AND I NEED IT, SO YOU BETTER PUT IT BACK NOW. THERE IS A THREE HOLE PUNCH IN THE PHOTOCOPY ROOM THAT IS FOR EVERYONE. THE ONE ON MY DESK IS MINE SO PUT IT BACK NOW OR THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES!!!!!

    1. KarenT*

      And having spent most of my career in publishing, I could tell you author rants that would rock your world, but that would be horridly unprofessional of me!

      3. former publishing anon*

        Same. I’ve worked in fiction, non-fiction, and academic publishing and I finally made the jump to working on stuff that didn’t deal with authors because I was over their bs.

        A former coworker who went on to work on some pretty VIP stuff twitches whenever a certain author and their popular TV adaptation is mentioned in casual conversation because of some bad experiences.

      4. Doriana Gray*

        I was an intern in college at a literary magazine. We had an entire wall devoted to all the angry missives our editor received throughout the years. Oddly enough, most of these rants came back on the form rejection letters we sent the authors. My favorite letter that was written on this form said how dare we reject his story for publication. Clearly we don’t have any f*%#ing taste, we don’t know true talent when we see it, and when he becomes a famous novelist, we were going to wish we had treated him with the respect befitting a literary genius (no joke). Then he ended the letter by saying, “F*%^ you, f#*% your magazine, and f*%+ your life.”

        Another one of my favorite author correspondences wasn’t a rant, but it still cracks me up to this day. A guy sent us an email with his story attached, and in the body of the email where people generally give the name of their piece, the word count, and a brief bio with a request to consider their submission for publication, dude wrote, “PUBLISH THIS” in all caps. He didn’t sign his name, didn’t give contact information, nothing. I was impressed with his forwardness and would have happily taken it to the table read for consideration – except the file wouldn’t open. If you’re going to demand publication, the least you can do is put the submission in a .doc file.

      1. Not the Droid You are Looking For*

        Me too!

        I have a wooden 12-inch ruler that I picked up for $1 during the back-to-school sales. You would not believe the lengths I have had to go to to track that darn thing down. People routinely nick it off my desk.

        1. SusanIvanova*

          There used to be a cube in a high-traffic area with a clothes hanger hook hanging over the side and a note underneath it: “You can get clothes hangers hooks from the office supplies room. Please stop taking this one.”

            1. Marillenbaum*

              I’ll lend you my label-maker! I’ve labeled all of my personal office supplies: tape dispenser, stapler, cute pencil-box.

      2. The Alias Gloria Has Been Living Under. A.A., B.S.*

        Yeah, office supplies on the admin’s desk =/= community property.

      3. Alli525*

        6 months ago, my pens started going missing – but only the good ones, the gel pens that I buy for myself instead of using the standard-issue Bic. I started hiding them, but of course I’d forget occasionally and the next morning it would be gone.

        3 months ago I took a post-it, wrote “PLEASE STOP STEALING MY PENS!!!” in Sharpie, and clipped it to my pen holder.

        Last week, I walked over to the copier and found my best Sharpie – that I had actually labeled with my name – sitting there like it was NBD. I did not sleepwalk and put it there, I promise. So now my pen holder (post-it still attached) is covered by a kleenex, and I am no longer going to lend ANYONE any of my office supplies. I have HAD it.

        1. Vicki*

          I always locked up my pens at night, leaving a few cheap company-supplied pens scattered on the desktop.

        2. Anonsie*

          I keep my nice office supplies in my damn purse. Ain’t no one stealing my nice pens and fancy pants highlighters.

    4. FD*

      I do sympathize–I usually bring some of my own supplies to work and have to lock them up so they don’t get swiped. But still, an all caps email about it with threats of dire consequences…is probably not going to fix it.

  27. Stephanie*

    I have none, but commenting just so I can subscribe to the comments.

    *goes and gets popcorn*

  28. B*

    I worked at an engineering magazine. I had an old guy (in his late 80s) email me dozens and dozens of times demanding something was wrong and that I fix it and credit him. (It was not wrong, I checked). He escalated it by calling me a “mere woman,” being completely patronizing, and insinuating that since I wasn’t an engineer I was unqualified for my job. Don’t have copies of the emails anymore but they were insane. He also discussed going for walks with his wife, and Demi Moore movies for some reason. He was unhinged.

    1. Sarahnova*

      While that is some sexist bull crap, I think being accused of being a “MERE WOMAN” would crack me up.

      3. AMG*

        I worked with a middle eastern man who would call me a ‘snaky woman’. I consider it a compliment, especially since I was calling him out for repeatedly committing fireable offenses.

    3. SystemsLady*

      I AM an engineer and have had similar things said about me once or twice.

      Though at least it was behind my back (“thank goodness the woman is gone” kind of things) and the clients that hired them won’t be hiring those contractors again.

      Incidentally, both men who said things like that were arguing with me and both were objectively incorrect/had no idea how my field works. Seems to be a pattern eh.

      1. SystemsLady*

        One of those also accused me of being irrationally emotional…while being completely irrationally angry himself. I was trying to de-escalate and get away from him to more rational lines of conversation without yelling back at him, and everybody in the room made sure to tell me later I’d done the right thing and he was out of line. sigh.

        1. Lioness*

          As a woman in a male dominated kind of role, I completely sympathize!
          I was called “little lady” before. I was treated like I was a high school kid. And the “emotional” ugh!

  29. Lillian McGee*

    I actually wrote this one… It makes me cringe in hindsight but it got a good response at the time!

    I hope everyone is having a lovely day. I truly do. And let me also say that I sincerely enjoy working with all of you and I am extremely lucky to feel this way.

    Now, about the microwave…

    I know most of you are, at this point, rolling your eyes and shaking your heads. Another nagging housekeeping email, right? Maybe. But what Fiona and I just cleaned out of that microwave wasn’t just inconvenient. It was disgusting, unacceptable, and most of all, avoidable.

    When Benjamin Franklin quipped, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” he was almost certainly foreseeing the fundamentals of microwave maintenance. When you heat liquid to a certain point, it boils. Boiling liquid can splatter. You know this. And still! You heat your food without a cover over it. Why?? (To those entirely unfamiliar with microwave use—a simple paper towel is usually sufficient to prevent your food from splattering all over the inside of the device.)

    Accidents happen. Here again, though, you can prevent a simple splatter from becoming a hideous baked-on blight that may or may not eventually gain sentience. If your food splatters while heating, wipe it off with a paper towel. You can tell whether your food has splattered by simply looking into the microwave as you remove your food. Leaving your splattered food intact and allowing others to continue to use the microwave will cause the mess to harden and become increasingly difficult to remove. Most importantly of all, science has not yet determined the level of microwave radiation needed for pasta sauce to achieve consciousness. Heat with caution.

    All this of course leads me to what Fiona and I dutifully scraped out of the microwave this afternoon. A spill, somewhat recent, that had been half-heartedly blotted with a paper towel, promptly abandoned after said paper towel became stuck to the substance, and then repeatedly re-heated, causing the substance to cure and harden to the rotating glass surface. Fiona was able to extricate the caramelized mess with a knife, and I managed to dislodge the innumerable barnacles of pasta sauce off the rest of the inside.

    That machine is, as of 12:15 p.m. on April 16, 2013, immaculate. I trust, my dear colleagues, that you all agree with me and will endeavor to see that it remains that way by:
    1. Covering your food while heating it;
    2. Cleaning up whatever splatters or spills immediately; and
    3. Lovingly reminding your colleagues of #1 and #2 when you see them being willfully ignored.

    With unending love,
    Lillian

    2. NoProfitNoProblems*

      My goodness. I love this email.

      “barnacles of pasta sauce”<–That is good stuff right there. I'm going to have to steal that phrasing someday.

    5. OfficePrincess*

      LOVE IT. I’m not sure what my coworkers think of the sounds coming from my cube right now, but there are tears.

    7. SaraV*

      Most importantly of all, science has not yet determined the level of microwave radiation needed for pasta sauce to achieve consciousness.

      Science fair experiment for some readers’ children? It could be groundbreaking! ;)

    10. The Bimmer Guy*

      That doesn’t so much seem like a rant as bit of good-natured snark. I like it. You don’t come off looking like a mad person here.

    11. Marillenbaum*

      Frankly, I would have been delighted to see an e-mail like this: it’s so charming and dignified!

  30. Circ*

    Oh! And there was also the patron who was looking for a book by an author. The author (we’ll call him Williams) had several nonfiction titles on related topics, so, according to the Dewey Decimal System, they had the same call number (001.24 WILL, for example). The woman wanted book 3 of 4, went to the shelves, and found the call number for that book — which, of course, was the same as the other three. The third book wasn’t on the shelf and, furious, the woman insisted different books could not have the same call number and it was misleading. She went on and on about how she was older than I was (not by much, it seemed) and how, in all her years, she’d NEVER seen a library have books with the same call number. I tried explaining that because the author had written multiple books on the same topic, that it was entirely possible for this to happen. She had originally brought it up by suggesting there was a cataloging mistake but when I assured her it was correct (after checking, of course), she blew up. I guess my nearly-completed MLIS is worthless since this woman knew better than I did (ha!).

    2. Pinkie Pie Chart*

      We got people coming into the library all the time asking for “the red book.” Being a complete newbie, I didn’t realize that was an actual legal book and had no idea what they were looking for. Ditto “the blue book.”

      1. anon for this*

        Our plum book, blue book, red book and beige books each have been recovered with vinyl covers that do not match their titles. I don’t know who sent these off to the bindery with orders to cover them in their current colors but I hope they were fired. We have to continue these bad choices since they are series or recover the whole lot of them.

        Plum book – now online – lists gov jobs that are open after each presidential election. Not covered in plum
        Beige book – Federal Reserve Board reports. Send out bound in beige but no longer covered in beige.
        Blue book – used for law citations. Not covered in blue.
        Red book – social security reference book. Not covered in red.

        Our Black’s Law is covered in black though!

      3. Withans*

        One of my friends took Chemistry at undergrad and for his course there was a textbook that was only ever referred to as ‘the green bible’, even in lecture notes. So he dutifully went off to the library and got out the big green chem textbook. He spent the next year wondering why the page numbers he was given never seemed to match up with his copy. Turns out ‘the green bible’ was an even bigger, greener chem textbook…

  31. Kelly L.*

    This is from two jobs ago. I was working in an academic department. I wish I had the text of this, but it was over the phone, and it’s been probably 5 or 6 years and I can’t remember all that was said.

    The gist is that this woman said she had once donated some money years ago–to the department? to the whole college? it was never quite clear. But she was upset that she’d sunk money into us, because she was not pleased with the aesthetics of the work currently being produced in our field. Not by our students or alums in particular, mind, just everybody in that whole field in the whole world. Thus began a 45-minute (not exaggerating) rant in which I could not get even one word in edgewise. She would consider forgiving us for the sins of our field, by the way, if we roped our students into doing some pet project of hers that had nothing to do with our field.

    When I finally extricated myself from the phone, I called development just in case, because it was tangentially a donation-related matter, and found that she had made basically the same phone call to them. I have no idea how she even had enough voice in her larynx to say all of that twice.

  32. sajohnso23*

    I used to work in politics and worked for a candidate who was running for Congress. For two years this man would call every few weeks and go on a vitriol laden rant about all the reasons the candidate wouldn’t win. You couldn’t even respond to his arguments because he just kept going on with his race tinged rhetoric. The main message of his argument was the candidate had no chance of winning because of their political party affiliation and the color of thier skin. His rants had nothing to do with any actual policy or grievance and when he did complain about the government it was usually about something the government couldn’t do anything about.

    One day when he called I calmly explained what the government could and couldn’t do to help him and he hung up on me.

    She won. He stopped calling. I still wonder why someone would need to call and rant that many times and how much better that kind of energy could have been used to helping actual people and their situations.

    1. Lola*

      I used to work for elected officials and I would get these calls all the time. A lot about how they saw my boss on TV and they were un-American, and you are what is wrong with this country, how we were all in the pockets of corporations/unions/whoever, etc. One time, I was trying to get a guy to wrap up and I interrupted him to say thank you for calling and I got “I’m not done, let me finish little girl…” very condescendingly and I promptly hung up on him. He called back and demanded to speak to the “little b**** that hung up on him.” A lot of crazy people. I feel like every elected official has one.

      Best rave I ever saw, back before there were emojis, were these handwritten letters from this older woman who would use stickers instead of words. She would say “Keep up the good work holding those corrupt politicians at bay. You are the only one with” stickers of sports balls (soccer, basketball, etc.) “in this town. Good” sticker of the number 4 “you.” We would get one once a month and they would always make my day reading them.

      1. Anna*

        I’ve been in the offices of US representatives and senators when they’ve received what are clearly these calls and I am always so impressed with how gracious the front desk staff are and how they always take down the person’s information (if they want to leave it). It’s impressive.

        1. Youth Services Librarian*

          and if you ever wonder where these people get the addresses, phone numbers, etc. well…it’s why a lot of librarians have weird information like the Pope’s address memorized. and most of these people will kindly rehearse their rants for us as well.

  33. Janice*

    I’ve got a good one (names changed and profanity sort of changed). Amazingly, this person did not get fired, despite sending this to the director AND manager of the department.

    John, why don’t you want me going there? You want Paul to go alone? Perfect, why ask me then? I don’t give a f*ck about seeing your clients if you don’t want me to, I have way too many f*cking clients of my own to see
    instead of being a trainer to all your clients. Be real with me and tell your f*cking colleagues to be real with me. I love working here because I know how beneficial this company is from an end user perspective and I will work my @$$ off for this company. But fuck all you if you feel intimidated. I heard the sh*t you guys say about me and Randy and f*ck all you for that. We work our @$$ off for this company and will continue to regardless of what you guys think.

  34. B*

    I also worked at a newspaper where people would write, call or come in and complain to us.

    “I got a DWI, but take my name out of the paper.”
    “Can you tell me what happened to my NY Post delivery?” (I did not work at the Post)
    “What’s the phone number for your direct competitor?”
    Ect…

    I seriously should have saved some of those emails.

  35. Florida*

    Sort of a rant, but not exactly. I worked at a place where an employee was a domestic violence victim. She was leaving the abuser. The company was worried that Abuser might show up at the office the next day, after he realized she left. The company was very supportive of her situation. So far, so good.

    They sent an all-staff email with Abuser’s mug shot and a photo of his car. The email said, “If you see this person or vehicle in the parking lot when you arrive tomorrow, you should consider him armed and dangerous. Don’t not get out of your vehicle. Please drive away and call Cindy at xxx-xxx-xxxx.” Cindy was the IT manager! What was she going to do?! I made it clear to my supervisor that if I saw an allegedly armed and dangerous person, I would not call Cindy. I was going to call 911.

      1. Florida*

        Fortunately, no one need to call Cindy. Cindy was the office busybody who had her nose in everything.

        1. So Very Anonymous*

          “Please drive away and call Cindy at XXX-XXX-XXXX and tell her EVERYTHING! Every last detail! She’ll have popcorn!”

        2. Elsajeni*

          Oh, so maybe this was a version of a phone tree to spread the word! “Please drive away and call Cindy — that’s the fastest way to make sure ALL our employees get the news.”

          (This is an accepted way of spreading news in my family. “Should I call everyone to tell them I’m engaged?” “No, just call Aunt Mary Anne. They’ll find out.”)

    2. So Very Anonymous*

      She’ll… revoke his access to the network that he never had access to in the first place? That’ll show him!

    3. Renee*

      Was the IT manager also the abuse victim? She might have wanted a call to warn her, and also for reporting purposes if she had a restraining order. She might also have served as some sort of lead for crisis management. I wouldn’t interpret this to mean “don’t call 911”, but to also call Cindy.

      1. Florida*

        No, the victim worked in the childcare center. (This was a social service agency, but not a DV agency). It was purely because Cindy wanted to have the information. I’m sure Cindy would’ve called the police. She just wanted to orchestrate it. We can’t have random uninformed employees call the police when there is a dangerous person in the parking lot.

  36. My own rant*

    I had my own rant via email once.

    After staying a couple of hours late to finish something really important that a client was waiting on. I left the office not having boxed and filed away some paper work, it was left neatly on my desk, the next morning I come in to work and check my emails and find the head of the department had sent an email to me, my team leader, supervisor and a couple of others berating me for not having done my job properly.

    This resulted in me sending at reply (to everyone) that was at least 800 words with my commentary about the way the department was run and that if he wanted everything to get done in the day in should look at the staffing levels and not be so quick to nit pick small task that haven’t been done when much more important tasks had taken priority.

    I finished it off by saying “I didn’t need or want any reward or recognition for doing my job but at the very least you could not go out of your way to insult me or my judgement” and “If you want to have a sensible conversation with me about my work that’s one thing, but the type of email you sent just makes you look silly”

    In my defence was only 17 at the time and it was my first “professional” job (the place was a disaster and so toxic) but looking back I’m shocked I wasn’t written up or sacked.

  37. StudentPilot*

    In my previous job, I was an instructor giving professional development courses to the company’s staff. One woman (a fellow instructor) missed the registration deadline for a course by a few weeks, and asked me to register her. When I told her I couldn’t because I didn’t handle registrations, and the deadline had been a couple of weeks ago, she sent me an email IN ALL CAPS about how the only reason I wouldn’t register her was because I was extremely racist (important note: we were the same race), how I hated her and she had always known it, I was extremely racist (she actually listed it twice, like I would miss it the first time), I was an awful instructor who didn’t know the material, and she was going to file a complaint, and make sure everyone knew how awful I was.

    I forwarded it to our (mutual) manager, who came to see me and tell me that she was going to take care of it. I got an apology from the fellow instructor later that day. She still glared at me every time we crossed paths in the halls.

  38. NGL*

    Got the most AMAZING voice mail several years back. I worked for a company that happened to share initials with ABC (the TV network) even though we NEVER went by those initials. Yet somehow, some poor Dancing with the Stars watcher got our phone number and thought we were the best place to call to complain to the network that her vote had been counted wrong. She wanted to vote for Sarah Palin, and wanted know what kind of “sick people” we were to count her vote as for someone else! And THEN when she tried to vote again, she got a message saying the voting was closed even though it was only X minutes after the show was over. Kept reiterating that this must be a sick joke, that “we” were sick people, etc.

    It was an amazing moment in my early working life. We saved that voice mail for ages and would play it on rough days.

        1. NGL*

          Gah, yes, you’re right. The ranter was trying to vote for BRISTOL, and my brain just can’t keep the Palins straight!

  39. Crispy Fried Eggs*

    My most memorable work email is the opposite of a rant. My first day of my first job out of college, I was tasked with sending rejection emails to ineligible applicants to the program we administered. I wrote very polite, personalized emails explaining which eligibility requirements weren’t met. The first response:

    “fuck you guys”

    At least it was succinct. And fortunately, it wasn’t typical of the type of emails I received at that job (though I’m sure it is for some).

  40. Katniss*

    I worked typing up letters for a law firm. A woman was suing a company because she had been eating a fruit based snack of some sort and chipped her tooth on an unexpected seed. We got back a letter the lawyer had written for her with heavy edits from the client. I guess the lawyer had written the wrong type of fruit, blueberries instead of whatever it was. So in very large, underlined letters was written:

    “They weren’t BLUEBERRIES. Blueberries don’t HAVE seeds, Kurt!!!”

    From then on “Blueberries don’t HAVE seeds, Kurt” was our go to expression of frustration.

    3. Salyan*

      The funniest thing about this ‘correction’ is that blueberries do, in fact, have seeds.

      1. (different) Rebecca*

        Was about to mention that…
        They don’t have pips, though, which may be what was meant.

  41. Anonymous for this*

    This happened at my workplace not long ago. An executive position opened up after someone retired. The diversity committee advised the hiring manager to make a different choice than the one she had decided on. Instead of promoting the person who knew the job and had done it before, someone with almost no experience was promoted instead.

    I work in an industry that is heavily regulated and the person with no experience made many mistakes and routinely asked those who reported to her to break the law. The person who was denied the promotion was pulled in by the company to do all the work she was missing and to fix her mistakes (on top of his own work with no raise in pay) Authorities ended up investigating the department because of the illegal things the person with no experience had done. Everyone in the department (including me) has been suspended without pay until it gets sorted out, it’s probable that the executive will be arrested and the company is in major damage control mode.

    The person who was originally passed over was promoted after she was suspended. At a reduced rate with longer hours to fix her mess. He quit in a blaze of glory. He sent a mass email to every other employee where he called the management “pond scum eating bottom feeders” and he interrupted a board meeting to tell them that he was going to wipe his butt with their insulting job offer the next time he went to the bathroom. He also sent info about the company and internal files to the investigators before the company had called their lawyers to get advice.

    I didn’t witness this personally because I am suspended and not at work but one of my colleagues sent me a copy of the email and told me about the board meeting interruption. I wish I had been there to see it in person.

      1. Anonymous for this*

        That was my reaction too.

        (Before I was suspended when all of this was going on I made the mistake of asking for advice on another site (I didn’t know about AAM until later on or I would have asked here. Instead of advice I was called a misogynist and a sexist brat, despite me clarifying that I am a woman who is not white and who is a religious minority, because I complained about the person with no experience, who was a woman. I was on the diversity committee when the recommendation was made and at the hiring managers meeting taking notes). But apparently even though they said they were hiring this person in the name of diversity according to the other site that’s not what actually happened and I just imagined it. This whole situation is a mess and I wish I asked for advice here instead).

            1. B*

              Those comments are horrible! So disrespectful to the OP. Sorry you had to deal with mean people over there. I highly doubt Alison would allow that here!

            2. NoProfitNoProblems*

              Wow, those comments are astonishingly mean, assumptive, and unhelpful, and show a stunning lack of reading comprehension. I sincerely hope none of those commenters also comment here. (although for what it’s worth I think the OP might have put a little too much emphasis on the diversity hire part, when there was so much more there that was truly egregious)

        3. Ask a Manager* Post author

          For what it’s worth, it’s illegal to make hiring or promotion decisions based on sex or race. That’s not how diversity efforts are supposed to work…

          1. AW*

            I remember arguing about this years & years ago on another forum. I think I must have pointed out that that’s illegal about a billion times.

          2. Lee*

            In the entertainment industry, I believe there is an exception to the race/gender hiring decision, as most casting calls may need specific-looking individuals for roles (i.e. a medical commercial concerning a new form of birth control might only ask to audition females within a certain age range).

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Yes, the law calls it a bona fide occupational qualification — in those cases, the idea is that sex or race actually does play into whether someone can do the job (but those are obviously very narrow exceptions; you can say “well, our clients don’t like working with women, so we’ll only hire men”).

            2. Katie the Fed*

              Hamilton – An American Musical just got a bit of heat for that for posting that they wanted non-white actors to audition. But there’s a reason they’re non-white actors for that show. And oddly, nobody raised much of a stink for, say, Bright Star which advertised for only white actors.

              1. InTheClearing*

                Bright Star’s casting call noted that the characters were white, but never specified the ethnicity of the actors that could audition. That’s what most shows do if characters are written with a specific ethnicity. The Hamilton casting call actually said that no white actors could audition. They later changed the casting call to be clear that the *characters* are not white, but that anyone can audition.

          3. super anon*

            Tell that to my coworkers. I’m currently hiring for 2 positions. I work in an industry where you can get human rights exemptions to state that you will hire qualified candidates of X race over someone who isn’t that race.

            I hired someone and my coworker assumed they were X race (they are not). She told me “i don’t agree with that” when I told her the race of the person I hired, because in her mind, I shouldn’t have hired the most qualified person, but instead the person who was the most X race. I shouldn’t even have interviewed the non-X race people. This isn’t the first time I’ve been told hiring decisions have been made this way here either.

            I get anxious when I think about the giant lawsuit we could be facing if any of this was ever discovered/someone got some actual written proof of instead of just spoken conversations.

              1. super anon*

                i’m in canada! even with the human rights exemptions, it still isn’t legal. the human rights exemption just lets you factor in race preference at the last stage (for example, you have 2 candidates that are equally qualified, but one is X race and one isn’t. you could hire the X race one without any repercussions).

  42. Wendy Darling*

    I’ve heard some in-person rants but everyone I worked with was generally circumspect enough not to commit it to email.

    The one exception was the Android users interest list at my previous employer, which was a HUGE multinational megacorp with tens of thousands of employees. A small but significant population took exception to some of the company’s phone use policies (you weren’t allowed to run third-party OSes or root your phone if you had work email on your phone, for security reasons) and would post to the Android users list lengthy screeds about how this made our mutual employer, and particularly its IT department, stupid, cowardly, incompetent fascists.

    Like people would actually use the word fascist. Or unironically compare IT to Hitler. On an email interest list with thousands of participants run by the company they were calling fascist.

    As far as I know nothing ever came of these massive public displays of unprofessionalism. Other than me unsubscribing to the Android user interest list because those rants and offers to sell used phones for absurdly high prices made up 90% of the traffic.

    1. JennyFair*

      A coworker had a customer feedback email claiming he was a ‘Communist Nazi’. The customer rant was mildly amusing, but my coworker’s (verbal) rant about people who do not understand the difference between Communists and Nazis was excellent :)

    2. TCO*

      My Jewish now-husband got called a Nazi once by an angry stranger. We were volunteering at our university’s booth at a large event. She came up to rant about how the college’s expansion was taking over the neighborhood, even though she “was there first” (note: the school has been at the same location for 150 years), and ended by calling everyone affiliated with the university Nazis.

      1. Paige Turner*

        Oh man, what did he say? I could definitely see that happening with the NIMBYs near more than one university around here…

    3. SystemsLady*

      Ugh, my fellow nerds can be so obnoxious sometimes.

      Why would you care about whether or not your work phone is rooted???

      1. Wendy Darling*

        In their meager defense it was a bring your own device company, so it was your personal phone. But there was no requirement to have work email/calendar on your personal phone via Exchange — people just did it for convenience, and you had the option of using web access if you didn’t want to comply with device security policies (which were basically no rooting, no alternate OSes, and put a PIN on it).

        Teams that DID require you to have work email on your phone did issue phones if you wanted one.

    4. Sparrow*

      I used to work at a help desk near the elder Bush’s presidential library. We frequently got calls from lost people needing directions. I once told a caller that they needed to turn on George Bush Drive, and they flat out refused to use that road because, “George Bush was a communist.” Poor college student me had no idea how to respond to that one…

      2. Int*

        Was the caller my old classmate? During a (mostly civil) argument about politics, he accused me of being a Republican and a Communist within two minutes of each other.

        (I’m not saying that being a Republican is a bad thing. He was saying that.)

  43. Jen*

    This wasn’t one that I received but my husband did and he forwarded it to me so I know it’s real. A man at his office got laid off due to budget cuts along with a few other people. He was unemployed for a while (a few months) and then found a new job in a different state so he and his family relocated. About a week before they moved, the man’s wife e-mailed everyone at her husband’s old job with a very long e-mail rant about how they never appreciated her husband and now her kids are crying because they have to move across the country and the only reason that the company is still around is because of her husband. Just on and on and on. The wife had never worked there. She must have gone into her husband’s email to get all of the addresses. It was CRAZY and yet also a little heart-warming to see that kind of spousal worship/devotion.

    1. Also Jenn*

      My boyfriend worked at a job where a coworker’s wife came in in person to complain about her husband’s treatment at the company. This turned into a huge fight between the wife and the boss, during which the boss bit the wife. I found out about this when his current boss happened to share a name with my stepmother’s dog and I said “So [boss/dog’s name] bit me today” and his response was to have his eyes get really wide and say “Oh no, not another one.”

      1. Annie Moose*

        It took me a good three times reading that before I parsed it correctly. The boss, who is a human being and not a dog, bit the coworker’s wife???

      3. AW*

        That coincidence is wild!

        I’m inclined to think the wife probably has a point about her husband’s treatment given the boss’ reaction to criticism is *biting*.

    2. Is it spring yet?*

      Years and years ago when an employee had accepted a job in an other state his wife told the partners what she thought of them. I always wondered how she took it when her husband’s new job didn’t work out and he ended up returning. After his next job change they divorced.

    3. Lucky Charm*

      Something similar happened to my fiancé. He is a manager at his company, and has a really crappy assistant manager. Without going into details, his assistant manager is basically a Negative Nelly, doesn’t really do his job, and can’t hit his metrics (they work in sales).

      My fiancé had to have a talk with him about lots of work-related issues and Assistant Manager was not happy. The next day, Assistant Manager’s wife came into the office and demanded to know why my fiancé had said these things to her husband. Fiance was super calm and didn’t really tell her anything because, after all, she doesn’t work for the company and it’s really not her business. Come to find out, Assistant Manager’s wife got upset because she was concerned about her husband’s general work ethic and financial stability. She was terrified that her husband would get fired and wouldn’t be able to bring home a paycheck anymore.

      1. Artemesia*

        That’s a great way to make that happen. One of the things that certainly didn’t help one of my worst employees situation was his wife coming in to complain to me that her husband was ‘special’ and needed to be managed entirely differently because he was so upset because he really should have had the promotion that went to another employee. It didn’t make me fire him but it was one more drip in the steady flow of things that led in that direction.

    4. SystemsLady*

      If all that is true I know somebody who may very soon be very justifiably thinking these exact same things (they just would have the sense not to send this email).

      And it wouldn’t be budget cuts, it would be her getting fired for [dumb reasons her boss made up because he doesn’t like her, doesn’t know what he’s doing, and knows she makes this part clear…I wish this were hyperbole].

      The company his spouse works for really is that off its proverbial rocker right now, and it’s one I have to work with unfortunately.

      So at the moment that email makes me feel sad more than it makes me want to laugh at the sender, though it was definitely a huge mistake.

  44. MAB*

    At my last job from the VP of my department:

    “Looks great but you spelled “your City” wrong. Its with 1 L.” 10 min later I responded “VP, I am sorry to inform you but “you City” is spelled correctly with 2 L’s in the document. Here is the google maps link for you to verify.”

    1. Snork Maiden*

      This amuses me, because Google Maps misspelled my street. And a neighbourhood in our city. You can send them corrections, but I wonder how many people spelled it “-bidge” before they fixed it.

        1. Snork Maiden*

          It’s entirely possible the city’s maps are incorrect! According to their website, my house number doesn’t exist. Which it most assuredly does. And it’s not 9 3/4 either.

      2. Snazzy Hat*

        Two blocks from my house, there’s a street [name has been changed] which spans for several miles and allegedly has two names. I say “allegedly” because one sign doesn’t include the plural S. For a few hundred feet partway down, “Autumn Breezes Blvd” is “Autumn Breeze Blvd” and so Google Maps lists the street as “Autumn Breeze/Autumn Breezes Blvd”.

  45. Texas HR Pro*

    Not so much a rant as an inappropriate resignation email, sent to the whole department and included the J. R. R. Tolkien quote: “I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”

    1. I'm a Little Teapot*

      Did it also include long rambling anecdotes and end with “I am LEAVING. This is the END. GOODBYE.”? Because if you’re going to do the bizarre melange of “fond farewell” and “f you” that is Bilbo’s farewell speech, you might as well go all the way.

      1. Texas HR Pro*

        The weird thing is, I was one of the people that she liked, and I liked her. But when I got that email, I was like, “Oh wow, I REALLY misjudged her professionalism. I guess I’ll just go f* myself then.”

  46. Anon T*

    I run a small non-profit. The founding director retired so they hired me. The founding director…is not very email savvy.

    At one point, early in my time there, a board member emailed her. She responded and added me and the Managing Director, saying “I’m a lame duck, direct your questions to Anon T and MD.” So, of course, I scroll down to see what the questions were.

    They were not questions. They were a SCREED against the founder, apparently pushed to the edge after a fruitless email exchange on an event he was helping with. (This board member is known for asking tons of questions; I think FD got fed up with them.)

    Choice quotes:

    “I know that double-checking before leaping into action is not your style. Your style is to take action, and then, if there’s a problem, someone will put a sign on a door, or someone will hire a car to haul people from one place to another, or you will blame an intern, or the stars, or a malfunctioning printer or some other inanimate or metaphysical object. That you are averse to fine-tuning is nothing I can sympathize with…

    …If my style horrifies you, and is causing grief to the staff, please let me know. I will send a letter to the board explaining my withdrawal, and you can find a robot, and someone who will program that robot, to accomplish tasks in a manner that suits you. Just let me know. Or, perhaps, this unpleasantness can be averted if I stop sending reference carbon copies to you of my notes to others. After all, it is you who explained 30 years ago, that you don’t “do things.” You have ideas, and when your ideas interest people, it is for them to pick up and perform the tasks. Over three decades I have learned that when people pick up the tasks, you’re right behind them, criticizing their performance and giving orders on how you want the tasks done. ”

    The whole thing was three pages. It included a postscript accusing FD of a “jeu de fou.” I later had a meeting with the FD, and she’d had NO idea that we could see the whole rant, because she had no idea how email works.

    I have sympathy for both sides in this. The board member is a personality, and he does ask a lot of questions, but his assessment was fairly accurate. The thing about blaming things on the stars was not an exaggeration.

      1. Anon T*

        He is kind of great. He voted against my hiring, in front of me, and said it was “symbolic” because he was generally opposed to unanimity. This was our first interaction.

        1. Meredith*

          He seems exactly the sort of curmudgeon that I would really enjoy. (Also, his email is amazing.)

    3. Sigrid*

      “Your style is to take action, and then, if there’s a problem, someone will put a sign on a door, or someone will hire a car to haul people from one place to another, or you will blame an intern, or the stars, or a malfunctioning printer or some other inanimate or metaphysical object. ”

      That is truly glorious and I am saving it in case I have a chance to use it in a rant of my own; I know so many people for whom this would apply.

    5. Marina*

      That is the single most passive-aggressive “Just let me know” I have ever read. Beautiful.

  47. Rebecca Anne*

    At a previous company that I worked for, we had a software release go disastrously wrong and actively become unresponsive on customers systems. We worked with educational institutions who were mandated by the government to record things like student attendance, test scores, etc. Our managers declared that no matter your job role, everyone was to man the phones because of all the complaints coming in.

    I picked up the phone and after four or five calls where customers just shouted at me, I picked up a call from a school principal who was also ranting but came out with some of the best turns-of-phrase that I’ve heard:
    “That’s all very well, Rebecca, but if your software was a horse we would have shot it. It wasn’t a release was it? You can tell the truth… It escaped while your developers weren’t looking. Honestly, it’s like buying a new car and not being given the keys. It’s like getting married and then having your mother-in-law in the bedroom every night. For God’s sake, Rebecca, a man has needs… I need to find out which of the little buggers are off behind the bikeshed.”

    5. The Alias Gloria Has Been Living Under. A.A., B.S.*

      I’m eating lunch while reading these and nearly spit Pepsi all over my screen while reading how a man has needs.

    7. LBK*

      I don’t know why but just the phrase “For God’s sake, Rebecca” is cracking me up. I can hear the jocularly incredulous tone.

    8. A Teacher*

      I’m subbing for someone else right now and laughing silently. A few of the kids are staring at me like I’m an idiot while they work on the assignment left for them.

  48. happy receptionist*

    We had a lady leave, and emailed all 500 employees, and vendors..
    highlights
    ‘I have dreamed of my last day here since my first day working here.”
    “I know I have made your lives better and helped you all.”
    “I won’t miss the back stabbing and sabotaging.. management drove me out..’
    4 paragraphs of this, followed by her personally emailing people to list how and who ‘bullied her’

    She initially gave four weeks notice, which she changed to two, understandably. After that she worked 3 days, sent that crazy email at 4:33, and left at 5:00, saying she had to leave as management bullied her out early and forced her to leave.

    oh, and that she actually left as she was now independently wealthy and didn’t need to work anymore. She would only work ‘in order to have a social life and friends’.

    Leaving a cup at reception made her list of ways she had been bullied, and that on her last day she was asked to turn in her keys and access card.

    Oddly, she told everyone most every day how happy she was, what a great job she had, how much she loved working there, and after she left she posted on social media what a great job it was and how she missed us all.

    After that she went through a job every three months, and still continues to go through jobs at a high rate. Last time I heard, she was working retail, and, of course, loving it.

    1. Florida*

      Was it the type of place where everyone wished they could say those things when they left? In other words, was there really a lot of backstabbing, bullying, etc.? Sometimes when someone says what everyone else is thinking, you secretly want to high-five them.

      1. happy receptionist*

        I don’t think there was a lot of backstabing, we shared the same supervisor, who was really nice. Person leaving was upset because Supervisor was looking to see who could cover her work after she left. She was discrete about it, and it had to be done. Person Leaving felt that no one should know anything about her leaving until she left, and at that time her role could be filled.
        There is no logic to it, she really was odd.
        She once reported to a co-workers manager that said co worker leaned on her desk, and she felt this was out of line.
        The last day letter was just icing on the already weird cake of her behaviors.

    2. Snazzy Hat*

      ‘I have dreamed of my last day here since my first day working here.’

      What in the hell convinced her to take the job in the first place?!

  49. Mimmy*

    Ohh I wish I could think of a juicy one! I shall enjoy reading everyone else’s. If I do think of something, I will post it.

    The only thing that comes to mind at the moment occurred during a brief internship I did about 5 years ago. I don’t remember the specifics and it wasn’t an email. But I remember sitting at my desk when all of the sudden I hear the CEO go “ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!” Government relations was a primary function of this agency, so it wouldn’t surprise me if that was the nature of her outburst. Not the best impression you want to make on an intern exploring a career in policy!! :/

  50. The Optimizer*

    I once received a voice mail in error –

    I don’t recall the full message but it was a woman ranting. it went something like this “How could you even think that, (intended recipient)?! I just can’t believe you would, you know me, etc etc. You know he is a lawyer and can’t be trusted, right? Please tell me you know this. HE IS A LAWYER AND CAN’T BE TRUSTED!”

    While we had a legal team on our staff for contracts and such, I don’t think it was intended for anyone at my company and certainly not for me. However, “He is a lawyer and can’t be trusted!” did become a catch phrase at that job for years!

  51. Florida*

    OOOh, I just thought of a good one. I worked at an art museum that received significant funding from the city. This was in late 2001, right after September 11 and during the anthrax mailings. One of the 9-11 terrorist had lived in that city. And there were verified cases of anthrax being mailed to businesses in our area. So people were generally on high alert.
    We had an art exhibition that was somewhat controversial. One painting that people found offensive had the Easter Bunny and Santa fighting with knives. Some residents said the city shouldn’t fund art like that, but the city council supported the funding.
    This man named Pete went to the City Council meeting to rant. Pete was the type of citizen that shows up at every city council meeting and grips about something. Well, this time he showed up with a large piece of paper that had something he drew. It was a drawing of a person chopping off the mayor’s head with a knife. The mayor was supportive of the art museum. Pete said this was artwork and he wanted it displayed in the museum. The mayor said it was a threat and got a restraining order against Pete. Pete didn’t get his artwork in the museum, but he did get a mention in the newspaper.

    1. evilintraining*

      During the anthrax scare, my org got an overly bulky #10 envelope that security had deemed suspicious. The guard put on gloves, went to the basement (which was built as a bomb shelter in the 1950s), and opened it. It was a letter–with the envelope– that we had sent the guy who mailed it. He sent it back because he wanted to complain about the fact that we had wasted so much postage on it. The CEO’s reply to him told the story and included this: “John, you made a bigger splash than you intended to.”

  52. Anon in Albuquerque*

    Does this count? I got this as a cover letter. I have no shame in posting this, because the author sent it to many recipients and has also posted it online. I have changed names of real people, except for the governor, and left out the first paragraph, which contained some identifying information. Please do not publish this in any articles.

    ***

    [fairly normal opening paragraph about office and legal skills, which suddenly segues into…]

    If ‘attorneys’ in your organization attended the University of New Mexico Law School, I understand that they might be in WITSEC and have a forged JD courtesy of the Department of Justice. That isn’t a deal breaker for me as I worked for Harry Potter, “Esq.” which proves that I too can be a team player (wink)!

    As you can see from my resume, I have a background as a paralegal and legal assistant. I also engage in social advocacy work. I am most proud of exposing injustices perpetrated by those in WITSEC.

    As I am the victim of a political witch hunt from Governor’s office, I have been unemployed for the past 18 months. I also have had battles with homelessness and had to actually apply for food stamps. The battles with the Human Services Department attest to my determination in resolving problems. It is amazing how much corruption one very determined person can expose!

    I think that I can weave all of these experiences into a very qualified candidate!

    I sincerely hope that your organization isn’t worried about me being a victim of NM State Sponsored terrorism. I think we can all work past that.

    Feel free to contact Ms. Hermione Granger at Workforce Solutions or Ms. Susana Martinez f/k/a Ms. Pinochet to verify my experience as a victim of the State Sponsored Terrorism at their respective and separate bequests.

    Someone from the Governor’s Office will probably contact you to threaten you if you dare even call me for an interview, but I think its time that we show her who really has the power here in the Land of Enchantment. I have heard that those who criticize our Governor too openly go missing so if you want to interview me you might want to hurry!

    I so look forward to hearing from you.

    (p.s. If you employ people in the Federal Witness Relocation Program I am probably not going to be your ideal candidate). If the terms “1983” or “Old Albuquerque” or “Palenque” make you nervous, you probably won’t even want to interview me.

    3. LBK*

      If the terms “1983” or “Old Albuquerque” or “Palenque” make you nervous, you probably won’t even want to interview me.

      I cannot for the life of me figure out what this is supposed to mean. Google is doing nothing for me. In fact, the only thing I can find seems to be this guy’s LinkedIn page, which is bananas.

      1. TCO*

        Oh dear, bonkers indeed. It seems as though this person has sadly lost touch with reality, which isn’t surprising given this letter.

      2. Anon in Albuquerque*

        Yes, I forgot to mention: if people could avoid going to the LinkedIn page you find if you Google all of this, that would be great—I don’t necessarily want to drive a flood of traffic to this guy’s page and fuel his suspicions that everyone is out to get him.

    4. MsChanandlerBong*

      I just moved to Albuquerque a few months ago, and this is hilarious! I kind of empathize with his rant against UNM. They’re the ones who rescinded my husband’s job offer because his former employer doesn’t give detailed references.

  53. JazzyIsAnonymous*

    It wasn’t an email or a voicemail– but a customer sent me a mailed letter that cracked me up. We’re in an insurance agency, and we aren’t set up to send out renewals and whatnot through email yet. Every six months, people get quite a lot of mail.

    One of our customers decided this was a problem. He began mailing us -printed- letters about how much paper we are wasting and how we’re an enemy of the environment and this was unacceptable. We called and explained that this wasn’t something we could change, and he hung up on us. The letters still come from him, in the mail, printed on paper and I think the irony of that is lost on him.

    He has our email address and has contacted us that way several times…. I think he may have been trying to demonstrate how annoying getting mail is?

  54. HRChick*

    I used to work for a government contractor that was truly horrible. Most jobs went to his friends from church or his relatives no matter how unqualified they were. One time, he hired a friend from church who is computer illiterate for an administrative assistant position. She was quickly move to the file room, but that’s the kind of thing we weredealing with. One day, I guess one of the legitimate hires had enough and sent an email blasting the project manager for his ineptitude and bullying behavior and CCing the contract owners. She also mentioned that the only way the assistant project manager could have gone the job was if she had a picture of the project manager with a goat. It was epic, I wish I could find it.

    1. CollegeAdmin*

      the only way the assistant project manager could have gone the job was if she had a picture of the project manager with a goat

      Of all the things to pick to express that sentiment…

  55. Adonday Veeah*

    Our company hired a trainer to teach our new employees the details of our product. We were well aware of his lack of knowledge about our product, but we knew from experience that product knowledge was far easier for someone to learn than teaching skills.

    In the weeks leading up to his first class, as he was learning the basics of the product, he expressed concern. We reassured him many times that he didn’t need to be proficient, he just needed to know the rudiments so that he could lead the (well-documented) class. We let him know that we were actually quite pleased with what he knew, and we were confident that he would do a good job for us.

    The week before class was to begin, we got a 3-page email from him, telling us how badly we’d mistreated him by hiring him when we knew for a fact that he didn’t know our product. We’d perpetrated a “heinous” act upon him by hiring him away from his former employer. We had no business ruining his life in this way, and we’d be hearing from his lawyer.

    Between the time he sent the email and the time we received it (how many seconds is that?) he’d packed up his things, leaving his employee badge on his desk, and marched out, never to be heard from again.

  56. Mocha*

    So this incident occurred before I was hired, and it’s now reached legendary status in my office. It was one of the managers’ pet peeves when people didn’t replace the water bottle in the cooler after it’s run out, which is an understandable pet peeve–however, apparently one day she noticed that this had happened, and instead of sending around an office IM or bringing it up in a meeting, she emailed everyone a several-paragraphs-long profanity-laced rant in which she compared people who didn’t refill the cooler to, among other things, “communist freeloaders” and “ax-murderers.” The best/worst part was that she accidentally copied a client!

    2. (different) Rebecca*

      …actually people who expect others to a) provide water, or b) replace water while not being specifically paid or etc. to replace said water would be* the ‘communist freeloaders.’ ;)

      *I mean, I don’t actually believe this, but there’s no sarcasm font, so…

    3. Liz*

      Refilling the water cooler is one of the duties I can’t currently complete due to my broken foot — and I’ve come to much the same conclusion about people who don’t replace the bottle.

      IT’S A PERFECTLY REASONABLE AND SENSIBLE ATTITUDE TO TAKE.

  57. AnonForThis*

    An 11 step process on how to take out the trash, from the boss to everyone in the office, with a flag/reminder sent to ensure we all saw it. It’s become legendary and has even been passed down to new employees over the past three years (there have been a lot of new employees).

    Another email was sent by the same individual about a year ago threatening our annual reviews if we sent an email indicating we’d accomplished a particular task rather than using voting buttons (which…sends an email). These instructions came out three days after the task began, so half the office was left wondering if they’d be downgraded because they’d already sent an email.

  58. RKB*

    This was partially me.

    We have a beautiful plant from our city’s botanical gardens at our front desk that no one was watering except me. However, I only worked two shifts a week there, so I wasn’t really making a difference.

    I sent out a silly email with a photo of the plant “crying” about mistreatment and 5 reasons we should water the plant, to my team of 23 and our two supervisors. My team kept hitting reply all and adding even funnier reasons to water the plant.

    > “Soil could be used to bury small bodies.”

    > “Plastic elephant in the break room needs a home.”

    > The plant is so thirsty he’s hitting on all our female patrons.

    It got to about 55 emails when our boss told us to knock it off. I printed them off and put all the reasons in the cash office.

    1. Kelly L.*

      OMG.

      I just remembered the one I wrote.

      I was working in a sandwich shop and people kept insufficiently washing the lettuce and it would have dirt and bugs still on it. We had a dry erase board in the back of house, and I wrote this (probably not verbatim, it’s been like 10 years, but close):

      QUIZ: WHY DO WE WASH LETTUCE?

      (a) Water’s so trendy, even lettuce wants in on it!
      (b) Because we’re bored!
      (c) Customers don’t want to eat dirt and bugs!

    3. Adonday Veeah*

      This reminds me of “The Duck Incident.” We had AFLAC open enrollment, and the vendor left me a stuffed duck to remember them by. It had a little dish in its back, so I filled the dish with candy and left him on the file cabinet outside my office.

      One day I came by and the duck was missing. I sent out a global email asking who had my duck, and I received many notes of concern from my co-workers. So, I kept them apprised of the situation.

      A threat had been made against my duck (it was close to Thanksgiving).
      I begged for my duck’s life, citing a spouse and two young ducklings at home who depended on him.
      A ransom was demanded for his safe return (two bags of Almond Joys).
      I paid the ransom.
      The duck was returned unharmed.
      However, since he had a bag over his head during the entire ordeal, he was unable to identify his captors.
      Duck was now safe in the bosom of his family.

      This drama consumed my office long after the few days the duck was missing. It’s been a couple of years now, and people still come by to ask how he’s doing.

      2. Jennifer*

        I love things like this. There was a similar incident involving a rubber chicken in my middle school.

      3. Serafina*

        That. Is. AWESOME! A friend of mine had her company’s in-house insurance switch to AFLAC, and they received a truckload of stuffed ducks, duckbill hats, and webbed feet shoe decorations. It was pandemonium in their office for several weeks, with ducks dive-bombing people’s cuticles, workers waddling around with duck feet and duckbill hats, and the good ol’ nasal-voiced duck shout of “AFLAC!” up and down the halls.

  59. Elizabeth West*

    Oh I thought of one!

    I used to work at an environmental company, and one day a sales guy from an equipment company cold-called the business and asked for the field services supervisor (I’ll call him Gary). Well, Gary was out on a job site that day, so I said politely, “He’s in the field today but will be back in the office tomorrow. Would you like his voice mail?”

    The guy started screaming at me–“LISTEN HERE, YOU BETTER GO GET HIM RIGHT NOW, MY TIME IS VALUABLE AND I WANT TO TALK TO HIM–”

    *click* I hung up on him.

    The next day, when Gary was back in the office, I told him about it. He said, “You hung up on him?”

    “Yeah,” I said.

    He said, “What was the name of that company?” I told him. He said, “I’m writing it down. We’re not doing business with them. If he calls back, you send him straight to me.” That last with a gleam of malice in his eye, heh heh.

    I was almost hoping the dude would call back so Gary could ream him a new one, but he didn’t. :)

  60. Gillian*

    At my old job, I was the person who monitored the info@ email account for the school, which was where, among other things, prospective teachers were instructed to send their resumes. I had a couple of scripts I used based on the time of year (if they were applying in October, it was a very legitimate “we’re putting your resume on file, but have no plans for hiring in the near future as we’re fully staffed for the year,” but if it was late spring it had more information about the subjects with openings) or if they were just spamming their resume to any school in the city (we’re sorry, but as a high school we don’t currently have any future plans to hire kindergarten paraprofessionals).

    The weirdest job related email we got was from someone who wrote a long, multi-paragraph email about why her daughter-in-law was amazing and fluent in Italian and therefore we should hire her to be our Italian teacher. Accompanied by a resume that did show someone who had taken Italian classes and studied abroad, but no teaching experience. Did I mention we only offered Spanish and Latin and this was more than a month into the school year? I sent a modified thanks-but-no-thanks email noting that we did not offer Italian and therefore had no openings and her response was livid that we would not consider creating a new language program for her perfect daughter-in-law and how we were missing out on a great opportunity.

    I don’t think the daughter-in-law even knew this was happening.

    1. Is it spring yet?*

      Why do I suspect the DIL was Italian and MIL didn’t like that she was mooching of her son.

      1. Gillian*

        It’s possible, but the resume did say she had a degree from the big state school so she would have been in the country for at least a few years prior, if not just a citizen who happened to take Italian and had a BA in History and graduated at the height of the recession. I assumed it was having trouble finding a job in 2011 and an overbearing MIL.

  61. Anon Frost Mage*

    I worked in a call center of about 800 people. We got an all-office email from the Facilities manager that I’ll paraphrase: “SOMEONE IS FLICKING BOOGIES ONTO THE MENS ROOM WALLS. STOP. IF U ARE FOUND TO BE FLICKING BOOGIES ONTO THE STALLS YOU WILL BE CLEANING IT. HOW DO U LIKE THAT.”

    Afterward, I noticed a dramatic uptick in boogies in the ladies room.

  62. many bells down*

    It wasn’t an email rant, but I had a very uncomfortable experience with someone once. I’d enrolled my daughter in a home-based daycare that was just starting, but the woman running it (Susan) had been recommended by another teacher that I knew. Everything was fine for a month, and then I woke up one morning to a voicemail from Susan saying she was going on vacation for two weeks … starting THAT DAY.

    So I had to miss work and find a new childcare situation, which was frustrating to say the least. The next week, (while Susan was still on vacation) her MOTHER (who I’d never met) showed up at my office and began screaming at me that I owed her daughter money, and how dare I not pay her what I owed, and that she was going to report me to the Police, and the IRS(?) and the FBI(??) and the CDC(?!?!?) Yes, it’s true, I did owe her daughter money for the first month … money I’d been scheduled to pay her the day she disappeared on vacation.

    Somehow, we got her out of the office and she never came back, and somehow my job survived the scene.

  64. INTP*

    Not exactly a rant, but the intern mailing list erupted into an argument about whether hitchhiking in the desert is a good idea.

    There were a lot of international interns, and I get that hitchhiking is considered safe or only mildly risky in some parts of the world. For the Fourth of July, one sent out an email to the intern list trying to put together a hitchhiking trip into the desert. I replied with a friendly (I tried to word it that way, at least) heads up that in the US hitchhiking is not commonly done, in fact in the desert there are signs warning people NOT to pick up hitchhikers because of the prisons nearby, and the freeway goes through some very hot/remote areas it could be truly dangerous if they get stranded. Chaos ensued with everyone’s takes on whether hitchhiking through remote desert in July is a good idea or not.

      1. Rana*

        Yeah, no. July desert hitchhiking is not a good idea. Also, the roads where you can find people willing to pick you up are not the ones with anything attractive worth seeing. Miles and miles of sagebrush and creosote, oh joy. (And I say that as a person who loves deserts.)

        Find a tour, international interns. That’s a much better approach if you’re unwilling or unable to rent a car.

  65. Higher Ed. Shenanigans (anon for this)*

    We had one faculty member accuse another of being a Communist spy (in a New York Times article); the accused faculty member then emailed out a two-page open letter entitled, “I Am Not a Communist Spy.” This was in 2014. (Admittedly, I don’t consider that a rant…how is one supposed to respond when accused of being a spy??)

    We also have a different faculty member who likes to send out these epically long messages claiming that the institution is persecuting him by making changes to the faculty housing policy, moving his office as part of a building-wide renovation, etc.

    Yet another faculty member was unhappy with a change to the funding policy or amount of available funds or something to that effect. She set up an auto-response on her email that stated that a) if you were emailing outside the hours of X, you would not get a response because she was not working past “required” hours, and b) if you were asking for funding, the department had none and that you should ask the Provost why/ask him for funding.

    Higher education is just weird, guys.

    1. Anon for this*

      I used to work in higher ed. Then I got subpoenaed because I’d overheard an outburst from Dr. Jones, and Dr. Smith was trying to get a restraining order against Dr. Jones because of a conflict over … parking. I actually had to testify in court over a parking dispute.

      They were all insane. The subpoena was the last straw. I sent out resumes that night and was gone in a month.

    2. Anon for this As Well*

      I recently got accused of being punitive because I told a chair that to get his employees a bonus, he had to talk to his dean and get approval from the academic dean. Evidently, he should just snap his fingers and money should pour out from the university.

      Even the academic dean here confided in me that anywhere you go, faculty is like a bunch of five year olds with an overinflated sense of self worth and sensitivity to anything they felt was an insult. The administration is “the enemy” and the faculty are the “righteous defenders of academia.” Doesn’t matter if administration’s only goal is to keep the lights on: they’re evil for trying to “regulate” academia.

      Oh, the emails I’ve seen! One year, the university couldn’t give as big an increase as they usually gave because of low retention numbers. Resulted in dozens of emails to the staff, accusing them of “stealing” their money and “taking food from their children’s mouths.” I’ve even seen an email where an English professor complained bitterly to the university staff that it was discrimination that she was not paid as much as a medical science professor. That’s not the way it works. That’s not the way ANY of it works. The entitlement is strong!

      I’m still here, unfortunately, but I am constantly surprised at the pettiness and ego!

  66. theater volunteer*

    I volunteer with a community theater group that put on The Pirates of Penzance last year. One of the jokes in the show is that the main character was born on Leap Day, so when he thinks he’s celebrating his 21st birthday, he’s actually only 5 (and a little bit over). We decided to send out a fun “Happy Birthday Frederic!” email to our mailing list of previous ticket buyers on February 29 this year in addition to our normal newsletter.

    This came in response:

    “This is really scary because no one named Fredric lives with me. I don’t think I even know a Fredric from anywhere. But I do have a minor child with a birthday sometime soon. I will be reporting this.”

      1. theater volunteer*

        The show had already closed, but the first line of the email was “It’s finally here! The day we’ve all been waiting for! Our young pirate apprentice friend’s birthday!” and pictures of the Pirate King, Frederic, Mabel and the sisters from the show.

        And since the group uses Constant Contact, we could see that she’d opened every email we sent out previously about buying tickets to Pirates or little informative bits of history about the show and what have you. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise.

    2. Isben Takes Tea*

      That is HILARIOUS. I love getting Frederic birthday emails from our local Gilbert and Sullivan troupe!

      1. theater volunteer*

        It’s one of the things I pull up whenever I need a good laugh, because I just imagine someone taking a printout of the email to the cops, waving it in their faces while trying to “report” us for… whatever she’s worried about… and then being supremely disappointed to learn there’s no such thing as The Internet Police.

        1. Isben Takes Tea*

          I could only feel bad for the cops. After all, a policeman’s job is NOT a happy one. :-)

          1. theater volunteer*

            True. I guess I can take heart in knowing if she really did think we were breaking some kind of law, that a felon’s capacity for innocent enjoyment is just as great as any honest man’s?

    4. Alli525*

      LOL. 1 – to whom would they even report such a thing? also 2- I want to know how y’all responded to that!

      1. theater volunteer*

        The first line of my response was “We didn’t mean to frighten you!”

        Because why would anyone have thought “Happy birthday” to a fictional character was a frightening concept?

        Followed by a general summary of the show the email was referencing to try and explain and some reassurances that we would have no way of knowing her minor child’s birthday unless she had just outright told us.

        Afterwards, a “FYI, this came into the inbox” forwarded to the board of directors, which resulted in much eye rolling and “this is why we can’t have nice things.”

        The most amusing thing about this is that she still gets AND OPENS our emails and didn’t unsubscribe.

  67. Farewell Hall of Fame email*

    Ooo, I have one. It’s not a rant but a completely over-the-top farewell email.

    An attorney I worked with at an ex-job resigned. It wasn’t a law firm, but rather a legal services organization and her job included working with clients, attorneys at all sorts of fancy white-shoe, the Board of Directors, etc. She resigned and sent thee most over-the-top farewell email to the company’s ENTIRE mailing list – probably literally 1,000s of people! Who does that? Her supervisor was not pleased since they had discussed sending an email to professional contacts only — and the supervisor wanted to approve it before it was sent. I really don’t care if this person sees it — they were the type of person who was not great at their job but had an over-abundance of self-esteem. Enjoy!

    Friends,

    It is with uncommonly bittersweet emotion that I let you know today is my last day at Teapot’s Inc. I have been blessed to love every day of my time here, which is no empty exaggeration and is thanks to the privilege of working with each of you. It is hard for me to believe that I have been with the organization just shy of seven years now, since I was a second-year law student. The weeks and months have passed at such a rapid clip because I have learned something new from you each day – whether about teapots, the law, Teapot’s Inc.’s clients, or myself.

    Whether we have met at Teapot’s Inc. office or at free Teapot Inc. events, through our Reading Tea Leaves program or Steeping services, or at an educational program or teapot making session, it has been a pleasure working with you. While I have enjoyed the wide range of professional experiences I’ve been fortunate to be a part of during my time here, I have particularly cherished my private consultations with you (nearly 800 of them in the past five years!) at our shared home at [Teapot’s Inc. address]. As a lover of teapots [(particularly porcelain and vintage) from as early as I can recall, the level of one-on-one interaction with diversely talented [redacted client occupations] has been a dream come true.

    So to our clients: Thank you for entrusting Teapot’s Inc. staff and volunteers with your legal concerns. We are here to serve you and it is really our privilege. I have not ceased to be amazed by your creativity and integrity, your passion and drive, and your love for teapots.

    To our Board of Directors: Thank you for your direction and devotion.

    And to our volunteers and supporters: Teapot’s Inc. would quite simply not exist without you. Whether you donate to Teapot’s Inc. at any level, attend our workshops or events, or assist one client per year (or half a dozen clients per year, as so many of you graciously do), you are the “XX” [and part of the “X”] in “Teapot’s Inc.”. Our clients NEED your services and expertise in order to protect their rights and achieve their goals. And they rely on your genuine interest in helping them address their business and legal needs. (More often than not, they’d rather just be making teapots!) So while it may be their vision and their creativity that has laid the foundation for the unparalleled teapot landscape that permeates [Name of State] and has grown so central to the identity of [City] in particular, it has been your skills and services that have enabled that for over four decades now. If not for your help, Teapot’s Inc. clients might not have had the chance to sell their teapots in [redacted locations]; to drink Earl Gray, Oolong, or Green tea at [redacted locations]; to open their teacup and saucer studios; to produce their own teapots or kettles. Their endeavors would not be pursued as successfully or as carefully – and, often times, they would not be pursued at all. Thank you for helping our clients to attain new personal and professional heights. They are more grateful than you know.

    I feel at peace in the knowledge that I have lived and breathed “all things Teapot’s Inc.” as much as I could during my time here. I have maintained a daily yet modest flush of pride to serve in an important role for a non-profit organization with such a worthwhile mission. I will always be a fervent champion of Teapot’s Inc. As sad as I am to be moving on, I am very excited for the opportunity that awaits me, and I am eager to keep in touch to learn about those that await you. Please reach out anytime at [personal email @ iamdelusional.com] and I hope to see you again soon. I’m glad to report I’ll be remaining nearby.

    Until then, I hope you and yours are faring well in the aftermath of [recent natural disaster] (please be in touch if you are not and if you need anything), and best wishes for a happy holiday season.

    Sincerely,
    I.M. DeLusional

      1. Farewell Hall of Fame email*

        Thanks; the actually letter is even more ridiculous with the real type of work the organization did included. (I just realized I didn’t need the possessive apostrophe in Teapots. I wish there was a way to edit comments on this site.)

  68. Katie the Fed*

    Waaay back, like 10 years ago, someone departed my employer. Instead of leaving with a typical rant, he set his Out of Office reply with a list of dumb things all his bosses had said over the years. Quotes and names.

    And because our IT was so terrible, it took them weeks to disable this account so everyone kept getting it.

    6. The Alias Gloria Has Been Living Under. A.A., B.S.*

      I wonder how many people sent an email just so they could get their own copy.

    7. I'm a Little Teapot*

      Around 10 years ago, I kept a list of funny things (intentionally funny or otherwise) said by coworkers at my then-employer. I passed it on to other employees I was friendly with when I left – but I didn’t even think of using it as my out-of-office reply! (And the vast majority of the things on it were snarky or bizarre rather than just dumb.)

  69. JennyFair*

    At Giant Co., the highest priority trouble tickets page various people, including the CEO, even in the middle of the night. One employee filed a highest-priority ticket on the last day of his temporary position to say goodbye. No one wondered why he wasn’t made a permanent employee! Even if well-intentioned, that one was received as a ‘rant’.

  70. T3k*

    I learned early on at my second job that one of the coworkers whose job was to take customer orders and other misc. office things (but not design work) would try to make her own suggestions of what a design should be like, regardless of what the customer said (like a design that was for all genders, but she she said they wanted something girly. Turns out, no, they wanted something unisex). After the 2nd time I saw a customer respond back in email that they wanted something more like what I was thinking than what the coworker had said they wanted, I ended up having to question every suggestion to see if it was actually what the customer wanted or the coworker’s idea.
    A few weeks ago she got very snippy in a reply to one and basically turned a 2 sentence email I had sent into a long winded paragraph, actually quoting each sentence and responding, basically saying that SHE knew what the customer said they wanted, she didn’t need to explain her decisions, and I shouldn’t be questioning it and such. So I re-did the design. Next day, saw the customer had responded to the new design by email wondering why we had made the changes “they” had wanted. I didn’t bother to slap that in the coworker’s face as I had already given my notice a week before.

  71. Edward Rooney*

    We had someone send an email asking a fairly basic question to a DL All Accounting/Finance. After the standard 30+ please remove me from this email list reply all backs & some slightly mocking comments, the CEO’s admin sent an email telling everyone to stop replying to the email chain as the CEO was receiving all of these emails. Within 5 minutes, someone sent out an email yelling at everyone who had been sending responses that the person was just asking a basic question, blah blah blah, then finished with “Way to join the revolution!”

  72. shep*

    This isn’t a coworker rant but it’s the most bizarre workplace-related rant I’ve ever personally enountered:

    I was in the social work field very briefly. A coworker and I shared a client. My coworker pulled me into her office one morning and goes, “Listen.”

    She plays a voicemail from this client’s father. He says this is really important and she needs to call him right away. Then he proceeds to describe how his son doesn’t like his service driver because she’s fat, ugly, and that he needs someone hot. A model or something. Like Sandra Bullock or Carrie Underwood. And he really needs someone to call him RIGHT AWAY because this is a PROBLEM.

    We didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. I think we ended up laughing so hard that we cried. Two birds. One stone.

  73. Young reporter*

    As a newspaper reporter, I’m probably cheating. I have an entire email folder called “oh the humanatee” where I keep the best of the conspiracy theories, rants and other assorted anger that finds its way into my life.

    Some highlights:

    -The angry voicemail from a man on the other side of the state demanding to know why we didn’t publish the race of a young man accused of robbing and assaulting a WWII vet in his own home. It then devolved into an anti-Obama rant. (The perp was a white guy in his 40s, for the record).

    -The man who replied to an article I wrote about the police department getting rid of thousands of dollars worth of stolen gift cards instead of returning them to their owners with: “Correct me if I an wrong but seems I recall this story from earlier and your new story did not recount that the items were taken from a vehicle? Items, including [victim’s] purse, that were more secure with [victim] and not in a vehicle, locked or unlocked? (The story did say the items were taken from a locked vehicle.)

    -A 3-part email series from a non-Muslim man expounding on the true meaning behind various Quranic verses where he cced my editor and the publisher. This was in response to a feature story about our city’s Muslim community and the tension they were feeling following an uptick in hate crimes around the country.

    -In response to a story about an assault on a transgender woman: “There are two sides to every story. To only print one is yellow journalism and reduces you to a hack.”

    -Long, poorly edited pitches about: homeopathy for cats, The Family controlling all aspects of American politics, “Asteroid Warning from Jesus” and “COMMON CORE EXEC REVEALS ANTI-AMERICAN AGENDA: Guns, STDs & Islam.”

    -A man who sent a 3-page rant to our fire chief trying to have him prosecuted for violating Washington’s Baby Safe Haven law because he told reporters somebody had dropped off a baby at a fire station. (This is not, in any way, a violation of the law.)

    -And this completely unsolicited rant about Californians:

    Living in Spokane, Liberty Lake area for most of my life, my family and I have become accustom to a much different lifestyle then California’s. The two couple’s from California and they are related that have moved into Liberty Lake area, just don’t get it. We protect our environment, look out for our neighbors, do not spend more than we can afford, we are not willing to steal jobs away from our friends & neighbors, historic preservation and most of all California’s are not interested in building infrastructure that supports local Inland Northwest communities.

    California’s don’t want to become part of their new home — they want their new home to become a carbon copy of where they had come from. Chief among the dislikes about California’s of folks that have lived in the Inland Northwest all their lives, are imported attitudes which expressed here as elitism, snobbery, classism, and blatant materialism that many Californians brought with them and then used as the lenses through which they viewed the Inland Northwest.

    Another way in which they chose not to fit in was their constant whining about the weather, yep it snow’s here, we have four seasons — most Inland Northwest felt that the transported Californians should either shut up and move away, or adapt to reality as everyone else here does and not make their happiness depend on such a small component of life.

    The dislike locals felt was not confined to Spokane: wherever Californians moved and kept those divisive attitudes, they found similar negative reactions among many of the people in other parts of Washington, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming and Oregon.

    This not hatred or profiling, but a observation… In the eighties the anti-California attitude had a lot to do with Californians moving up here with lots of money (from the sale of their homes) and paying cash for property. Now they’re moving up here after their housing market collapsed with little or no resources putting a huge strain on our Inland Northwest resources.

    Liberty Lake is a beautiful place to live, the entire Inland Northwest is a beautiful place to live. California’s moving here just don’t get it…Any other Inland Northwest citizens have similar circumstances…

    InlandNWcitizen

    1. SL #2*

      I didn’t realize that I’m a job-stealer who’s not interested in protecting the environment! And if only I had the money to buy a property in cash anywhere in the US…

    2. IlseBurnley*

      As a Washington state citizen…that is incredible. Those “California’s” just don’t get it!

    4. Katie the Fed*

      “There are two sides to every story. To only print one is yellow journalism and reduces you to a hack.”

      I would respond to that, but then I’d be in danger of unleashing my own unhinged rant.

      These are amazing.

  74. Sarahnova*

    Man, I wish I had a work-related one to share. This is bringing back the best drunken public breakup I ever overheard, though, which my husband and I still quote.

    “I would have loved you to the ends of the earth, David, THE ENDS OF THE EARTH!”

    2. AnotherAlison*

      Ooh, good point. I have some non-work-related epic email rants. From my dad. Narc parents are the best.

    3. Snork Maiden*

      I overheard someone in the midst of a breakup in public, yelling into their phone: “I AM NOT UPSET!”

    4. Isabel C.*

      Girlfriend–I presume–of my downstairs roommate, the year after college. “HOW MANY TIMES MUST YOU STAB ME IN THE HEART, BRENDAN?”

      …clearly, *more times than that*.

  75. Random Lurker*

    Not going to post it here, but I’m a proud owner of an email to all staff about how pooping in the floor in a public area and not cleaning it up is not cool.

    It actually happened! It was a very gross situation, but something is very surreal about the VP of a not so tiny company having to send the message. I break it out and read it to myself when I’m having a bad day.

    1. Anonsy*

      It’s kind of amazing how often that happens. I used to work on the same floor as my company’s employee relations office and received e-mails addressing the, and I quote, “deliberate, angry poops” that were being taken in the potted plants outside the main door to the office.

        1. Snazzy Hat*

          Holy crap I’m glad my s.o. is still awake; otherwise my very loud cackling at this would have awoken him!

    2. Rebecca in Dallas*

      We had that happen at my office, too! It was years ago, people still talk about it.

      The funny thing is that I’d taken a half day, left around lunchtime. Then I got two separate texts from coworkers saying, “Someone pooped on the floor of the bathroom! Ew!” I laughed hysterically and then worried that everyone would think it was me, since I’d left for the day.

      1. Snazzy Hat*

        My store was reasonably lucky in that whenever someone pooped on the floor, it was contained in the restroom. Not always contained in a stall, of course, but as far as I knew in the almost four years I was there no one ever just dropped their pants and squatted amongst the merchandise. (And there were places where that could go unnoticed until the security check at closing time.)

  76. anon for this one!*

    The following was sent by a manager at an agency I worked for. He was let go in a round of layoffs after only working there for a few months, much to his own surprise. It’s not exactly a rant, but it’s just SO maudlin and weirdly rambling. We all kind of assumed he was under the influence when he sent it.

    Subject: Some Sappy Song…
    Sent to: Entire Company
    I guess there are far too many about saying goodbye. Never any fun. I never really liked sappy songs either. So cliché. So cheesy. And, well, so sappy. But $100 to the 100th person to respond with a truly sappy goodbye song (hey, viral social marketing wheels are spinning…but legal didn’t approve T’s & C’s AND there was no formal opt-in so I’m not liable for the $100. Plus, this offer is not valid in the state of [state redacted] or in any conscious state of mind). That said, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh yeah, sappy songs…

    Everyone has that one ultra fromage tune that, when they hear it, they remember some important and impactful moment in their life. While I can’t think of a song for my time at [company], I can say that the relatively brief moment of my career spent here is something I will always reflect on as educational, impactful and memorable. Dare I say, I cherish my time here?? Cliché, cliché, albeit true. The people ALWAYS make the agency, and [company redacted] is full of some of the most passionate, intelligent and dedicated people I have ever worked with. For the first time in a long time, I woke up each morning excited to come to work. I knew that whatever the challenge, hurdle or drinking game, I’d have some true partners and teammates to help me tackle them (especially the drinking games…for some unknown reason, there were always more volunteers than needed). As Tosh would say, “and for that, we thank you”.

    I wish you all the best for a prosperous year and beyond. From [client redacted] to [client redacted], [company redacted] will stake its claim on the [city redacted] marketing scene this year. Of that, I’m confident. Oh, and don’t forget about the toys! Lots of toys! Who doesn’t like toys, aside from evil people?? ([name redacted], please add something in Furbish for me – I’m still learning the language.)

    Please do keep in touch. And thanks again to everyone for both listening and teaching. I’m all the wiser for having been part of your team.

    Special thanks to my excellent team of [role redacted]. It has been my honor to have you all as part of my team, and I hope I have added some value and leadership to your career. [Name redacted], have a great time in SF and best of luck on your upcoming project (keep us all posted). [Names redacted], you are rock stars (sorry [name redacted], had to use the term). Your teams have the utmost faith and confidence in your abilities and leadership. They are in excellent hands with the projects you’re managing.

    I may no longer be in the office, but I’m always available should anyone have any questions on anything I’ve managed … nearly free of charge (Andy Dufresne reference, for those keeping score). See you in the funny papers – or better yet, drinks sometime soon…much more fun…and funny!

  77. OriginalYup*

    Worst:

    While I was at lunch, my boss (at the time) sent me a long, increasing scathing email on the subject of my total incompetence and ineptitude. My crime? Her fax machine was beeping incessantly and she couldn’t make it stop without replacing the toner, which evidently I had not ordered despite being ::rant rant rant:: explicitly told to do. It was seriously one of the meanest emails I’ve ever received. As I was reading it, another one arrived. “Never mind. I found the toner.” (Which I had ordered as instructed, on time, and stored in the clearly labeled common area where toner had been stored for 10 years.)

    Weirdest:

    “Please move all meetings to another room. I need the space for the kayak and the dolls until after the gala.”
    Small office, one meeting room for the entire organization. The fundraising director apparently wanted it exclusively for 2 months to store items that had been donated for an event auction. None of this was known by other staff — or was typical of the organization — at the time she sent her email. Please note that even though she did use the space to store her items, the rest of us continued to have meetings there anyway. With a kayak on the meeting table, and 100 porcelain figurines staring at us.

    Best:

    I worked for a fancy organization where the leaders pretty much had their heads up their own @sses. They conceived a big vanity project that would be hugely expensive and benefit no one, but they totally thought it was this amazing contribution to humanity. They invited all these prestigious firms to apply to be the chosen vendor, to run the most visible part of the work. After the finalists were invited in to present and to do Q&A with the leadership team, the decision was made to firm XYZ because they were clearly the best and would the only ones to do justice to our project.

    The next day, before we could notify them of their status as winner, Firm XYZ emailed my boss. To withdraw their name from consideration. Reason: “We do not feel that you have sufficiently considered the reason and purpose for this project. We are not convinced that it has the historical and cultural significant you suggest, and it does not require the (services they provide) of (professional people who do what they do).” :: mic drop ::

    1. FD*

      I’m just imagining one of those death-by-PowerPoint meetings, conducted under the baleful gaze of a dozen Precious Moments figurines…

    2. Elsajeni*

      Wait, so was that second email the first anyone had heard about a kayak or dolls being in the office at all? Because that would be truly amazing — “Please move all meetings to another room, I need the space for the kayak.” WHAT KAYAK?

      1. OriginalYup*

        Yes, exactly. “Kayak? Dolls?? Did I miss a memo?”

        So we went down the hall, and sure enough–there they were. In our only meeting room.

  78. INTP*

    Oh, and there was the rant from my former boss that was not really hilarious but just absurd in the level of passive aggression.

    We were TAs, teaching French but for the most part we were in the professional translation-oriented track of study and never planned to teach again after. I don’t know about everyone else, but I didn’t misrepresent this on my TA application. We all had to teach 50% courseloads so those of us who needed to take full courseloads and graduate on time were VERY busy. She sent out an email saying “FYI, there will be a language pedagogy conference from 8-5 on Saturday if you are interested, email Dr. Cobblepot if you need a ride.” No one went. So the next week we got a very angry rant about how we need to attend conferences and meetings. We also had to have a meeting about “professionalism” where we talked about what professionalism means to us, and she shared that professionalism to her means attending professional development so that you don’t become stagnant (which is apparently a major risk in your first year of a new profession). What’s funny is that it all went completely over the heads of the younger students who had never held a “real” job – they had no idea that she was communicating that the weekend meetings were mandatory and she was angry at us for not realizing that.

  79. Interviewer*

    I got an email rant at a previous company where I worked about 5 years ago. The sender worked after-hours support, and I think she had been crafting it for quite a while, as she had a lot of downtime. It was a very long rant about how we don’t do well in client service. Something had set her off the night before so she went ahead & pulled the trigger. It was about 18 pages long, and it went to every office, over 400 people. She sent it in batches to the entire company by picking everyone’s names and pasting them in the To field, since the “everyone” distribution list was moderated. We all walked in to find it in our inbox that morning. In her email, which was organized by sections like “IT” and “HR” she used employee names, specific departments, and even client names in detailed anecdotes to support her claims of how bad we were as a company. My own boss was mentioned – she went into a long & puzzling story about how my boss was a total phony, that she didn’t actually do any work. As we were all marveling at the sheer stupidity it took to send something like this, there was suddenly an announcement from the top brass – no one could print it, forward it, save it, etc. without IT finding out about it. Apparently there must have been some valid points buried in the nonsense, or maybe they just didn’t want the dirty laundry aired outside of the company. And of course, she did not return to work that evening. I think my boss went ahead and made it official by firing her, though.

    1. T3k*

      See, now I’m curious what the valid points were in it, because if the top brass hadn’t gone all “nobody save this 18 page letter!” everyone would have pretty much dismissed it as crazy.

    2. Long Time Reader First Time poster*

      Ah but anyone could screenshot it! What a stupid message from the brass!

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Yes, as soon as I hear something like that I will usually find a way like that to preserve a copy without any trace, like your suggestion using the analog hole.

        Don’t forget, Banned Books Week is September 25−October 1, 2016!

  80. vivace*

    A coworker dramatically quit the day before he was to be fired, and later that evening the guy proceeded to email a couple of our newer employees an email titled “Be very careful at Teapots, Inc.” claiming the owner was mentally unstable and violent, and closed the email with “You could be next.”

    Then, about a year later my boss got a letter in the mail with a bathroom key taped to a caricature of his face surrounded by satanic symbols.

  81. Temperance*

    Okay so I regularly get bizarre letters and phone calls because people want free legal assistance. These are mostly not normal issues or people, so I shut them down as nicely as possible.

    The most memorable letter was from an inmate who wanted us to help him sue a large store because they had impeded on his civil rights, with an instruction NOT to google him, but to “check his facebook page or call his mother” to get the real story of the incident.

    Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

  82. Atlantic Toast Conference*

    (I work for the federal government. One of the vagaries of the federal HR system is that, if you choose, you can prevent your retirement being pre-announced on privacy grounds – basically, HR and your supervisor know, and then the day after you’ve left, they can tell everybody else.)

    A few years ago at my old job, a VERY vocally disgruntled employee was on the verge of retiring and elected not to announce it. On the week of his retirement, DC is forecast to be hit with a huge, government-shutting-down snowstorm on Friday – so it seems that this employee’s effective last day will be Thursday. Late Thursday evening, he sends the whole division a kiss-off email (this is a paraphrase, but not far off): “I’m not coming back to [agency]. Free at last, free at last! See you never.”

    Turns out the snowstorm was a complete bust, and he ended up having to come in to work on Friday as normal. It was initially confusing, and then hilarious once we figured out what had happened.

    1. Fried Eggs*

      I love this. It’s the awkwardness of saying “bye” and then walking in the same direction times 1000.

  83. Sara*

    I once got a voicemail from an irate customer who said to me, “You didn’t put your email address in the email you sent me, so I had to look your number up on the switchboard!”

    1. shep*

      This is awesome.

      It also reminds me of a woman who left me three successive and increasingly irate phone calls about really needing to get in touch with me and why wouldn’t I call her back??

      Um, because YOU DIDN’T LEAVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER in ANY of those messages.

      1. One of the Sarahs*

        I was temping for our local mayor, and laughed out loud at the person who sent us a letter complaining that the mayor hadn’t replied to their previous letter… of course they hadn’t included their address on either of their letters.

        Also the person who wrote to complain that they had received an “impersonal” typed letter from the mayor and that showed disrespect…

        And my personal favourite, which happens in every other office job I every do, people who get very, very angry that they’ve called the wrong number, and I don’t happen to know the direct line of the person they’re trying to reach in the other business. I’m always super-polite and will google switchboards and such, but this is never enough – either I’m a magnet for these for some reason, or there’s a ton of people doing this every day…

        1. shep*

          I’m one person in an office of about 100, where we all have different specialties and responsibilities. Invariably, there will be that one person that needs to speak to Jane, but “I’ve called Jane three times and she won’t answer!”, so they just keep playing with the phone tree, trying to talk to anyone they can.

          Caller: “I need to know X and Y.”
          Me: “Oh, I think Jane can handle that. Let me transfer you–”
          Caller: “Jane’s not answering her phone.”
          Me: “Well she’ll get back to you. I–”
          Caller: “I just need someone to answer this.”
          Me: “Jane’s the only person who can. Let me–”
          Caller: “What about the director?”
          Me: “I can transfer you to the director but she’ll also tell you that Jane’s the only person who can answer your question.”

          [Conversation continues in this circumlocution for three minutes.]

          Finally, Caller: “…I guess I’ll just call Jane again.”

          YES I GUESS YOU WILL.

          1. Marina*

            I got a great call the other day from a woman who was seriously unhappy that she had received multiple calls from my phone number and wanted me to stop harassing her.

            Problem was, she called my cell phone, which had been sitting right next to me all afternoon and had not made any calls to anyone.

            Eventually, after several failed attempts to explain that I didn’t know what she was talking about, I finally said, “Look, what do you want me to do about it?”

            Well I don’t know but this is my personal phone and this is unacceptable!

            It’s my personal phone too, lady…

        2. J*

          The white pages for YEARS had the business phone number for my work as the elevator emergency line. So people would call that number and you could hear it ringing when you were riding the elevator and you could say “hello” and try to explain the situation but inevitably, they would ask you to transfer you to the main office line and I would have to say “sorry, I can’t do that, but I can send you to floors 1-3 because this is an elevator.”

          Sometimes they would ask me to transfer them to one of the other branches of my org. Can’t do that either. Because it’s an elevator and not a switchboard.

          2. Cath in Canada*

            This is awesome!

            When our admin team have a meeting, they forward the front door intercom to the phone in the meeting room so they can still greet visitors. We learned about this when we were in the room right after them, and they forgot to turn the forwarding off. Some external people were planning to call into the meeting, so when the first in-person visitor said hello on our speaker phone, we thought it was a teleconference participant. We said hello and that we’d be starting soon, and left them standing outside! It took a while for us all to figure out what was going on…

  84. anonymous 'cause.*

    How ’bout that time my coworker called all (9-10) of us together to read(!) us a dramatic pre-written speech invoking our mutual dead friend to let us all know they’d thought about it Very Hard and had decided…to stop working full time.
    ………
    (get over yourself.)

  85. The Other Dawn*

    When I was a new cashier at the grocery store (I was about 17), I was yelled at and berated publicly by my manager in front of customers and employees. This was back when we first started scanning coupons and the register didn’t know that the coupon has already been scanned, so it was easy to scan one twice and not realize it.

    I was ringing one day and had a huge line. The store was mega busy, so every register was open (can you believe that!?) and every register had a bagger (another novelty!). Even the manager was bagging. It was just my luck she was bagging for me. Well, I went to scan the coupons and I accidentally scanned a store coupon twice. Of course, she caught it right away. She proceeded to yell at me that I should have caught that, and yelled very loudly, “Can’t you read?!?!? Look at the bottom of the coupon! It says ONE PER CUSTOMER!!!!! Didn’t you listen when you were trained?!?!” There was finger pointing in my face, at the coupon, waving the coupon around, etc. It was awful. Back then it pretty much shook me to the core and it was all I could do not to ball my eyes out in front of all the customers. (These days, I would have no problem laying into someone like that.) And, yes, I had to continue ringing because it was so busy. The customers all looked at me with such sympathy and felt terrible for me.

    1. Shell*

      Ah, grocery store days. I worked through many breaks on account of begging from managers on duty because we were so busy (line extending into the aisle for every checkout counter!). I feel like those every register open/managers bagging were actually a pretty frequent occurance!

      It was only until years after I quit that I realized that while I agreed to work through my breaks (management agreed to pay me overtime for the breaks/extra hours), I didn’t mark it on my timecard (stupid 18 year old), and thus the system probably paid me straight time. Being so swamped, I doubt the manager on duty had remembered to track down my time card separately to mark it. So I probably was owed some overtime pay. Oh well.

  86. Midge*

    I actually have one! I work in a museum, but I have nothing to do with our exhibits, nor do I answer our main phone line. Nevertheless someone got through to me who wanted to complain about our new exhibit. It was photographs by a famous Turkish photographer of churches in Turkey. She was Greek-American and demanded to know why the photographs were taken by a Turk and not a Greek. Didn’t I know that Asia Minor had once been Greek? (Yes, long before the time of these churches.) And didn’t I know that the Turks had occupied Greece for 400 years? (Actually as a Classical archaeology major I was well aware of that, but she wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise.) How dare we not acknowledge that these were Greek churches? (They weren’t Greek.)

    She demanded to speak to the curator of the exhibit personally, but thankfully seemed placated when I gave her the department’s public email address.

    1. Eugenie*

      Oh man, that reminds me of a time when I worked at Super-Famous-Founding-Father’s-Historic-House-Museum and a woman showed up in a cab one day with a suitcase saying that she was moving in. Apparently Wife-of-Famous-Founding-Father had invited her to stay. It was kind of sad, we had to call the police to come pick her up and figure out where she lived, I think it was a nearby hospital or assisted living facility.

      I swear, the weirdest things happen in museums.

      2. Midge*

        Yikes. That is weird and sad.

        If you want to read about more museum antics, I can’t recommend the site When You Work at a Museum highly enough.

  87. MuseumChick*

    It wasn’t really a rant but I’ll never forget it. I once worked for a company that designed custom chocolate teapots for peoples homes.Everyone worked fairly independently until one month, Big Boss thought it would be a good idea of have a sales competition and divided everyone into teams with the most experienced sales people as the team leaders.

    The team I was places on did really well. Everyone had a closing rate near 80%, one person ended up closing every sale that month, yup she had a 100% close rate! The team leads had to send weekly reports to Big Boss. Well, she sent a weekly report to him. He responded with a minor critique, no praise or “good job guys!” So, my team leader responded to him calling him out but she sent it to the entire franchise. Him, our team, the other teams, everyone. She swore up and down it was an accident.

  88. AnotherAlison*

    Ahh, I used to have a direct report who was a little off. He was a 50-ish man, and I was <30 when I supervised him. I don't have any one great email to share, but I had a whole folder called 'weird emails' dedicated to him.

    Examples: a debrief of the company education fair; forwarding of a personal email he sent to another coworker's family; a follow-up on that email titled "loyality" about what a great friend and good person he is and how he hates brown-nosers and backstabbers; a rant about whey people should donate blood.

    I think he lasted about 6 months. He was a close friend of another contractor who was great, and my boss hired him as a personal favor. Bad call.

    1. AnotherAlison*

      (The age was relevant because he wouldn’t take direction from me, even though he had no direct experience in our industry. . .left that part out. He had to go because he spent 6 months pretending to do work (and sending odd emails) instead of learning.)

  89. Omne*

    I used to work tax compliance on protesters. I had stacks of rants. One that stood out was a long document that was mostly gibberish but I made out that I had been indicted by a Citizens Grand Jury for treason amongst other things. I assume they had a trial ( probably at the local Dennys ) which I chose not to attend.

    Apparently I was found guilty since they sent me a death warrant a couple of months later. I never figured out if I was supposed to execute the warrant on myself or what.

  90. Loose Seal*

    I used to have to attend juvenile court hearings as part of my job. The judge liked to do all the traffic cases first since they were usually first-timers to the court system and he wanted them to be able to get back to school and their parents to get back to work. One January this happened…

    We hadn’t had our usual sessions in the county in December because they closed the courthouse for renovations over a slightly longer holiday season. So, in January, we got the traffic complaints from incidences that occurred both in November and December (complaints were generally heard in the following month). One 16-year-old was on the calendar; he was accompanied by his mother.

    He had just received his drivers license in Nocember and promptly rear-ended someone, causing damage to both cars. Three weeks later (seriously, the paint was probably hardly dry on the repair job), he rear-ends someone else at a traffic stop. So he’s in front of the judge for both these incidences. In our state, teen driving offenses are treated harshly so, according to the state, he now had to surrender his license and could reapply in a year, assuming he kept his grades up and remained out of trouble. The judge informed him about this and asked for his license.

    The teen didn’t seem at all perturbed by this. He handed over his license and thanked the judge. However, once mom realized they were done, she lost it. She started crying and asked the judge how the kid was supposed to get to his activities now. The judge, who had a great sense of humor but little patience, replied that if it was his kid, he’d be sitting out activities for a while. And furthermore, mom ought to be grateful that the kid didn’t have to be on her car insurance for a while. He asked her if she had gotten a new insurance bill after her child had caused these wrecks. She said that was her business and then started to beg the judge for the kid’s license back and swearing he’d never have another accident. The judge said it wasn’t up to him — state law and all — but he didn’t really believe the kid could drive without an accident.

    The mother said a few more things, getting more and more agitated while her child looked on, still completely unperturbed. Then, mom said, “It’s not like he’s a multiple offender!” The judge barks out laughter and says, “Ma’am, what do you think TWO accidents are?” She turns red, grabs the kid’s hand, and tows hm out the door. The door barely shuts behind her when the court reporter whips off her mask and says to the judge, “You know I don’t like it when you laugh because then I laugh and it makes it hard to record.” At that point, we all laughed and the judged called a 10 minute recess (after only the first case of the day!) so we could all pull ourselves together.

    1. addlady*

      That doesn’t sound harsh, that sounds like a great way to postpone the driving age for kids who are bad drivers, before they seriously injure themselves or someone else.

    2. CollegeAdmin*

      Wait, why was the court reporter wearing a mask? I’m so intrigued! Was she a secret crime-fighting court reporter??

      1. LawPancake*

        It’s a stenomask, it blocks out any outside noise so that the thing being picked up is the court reporters voice. They’re a little freaky looking if you don’t know what they are. I had a witness at his first deposition who, at lunch afterwards, pulled me aside to be like wtf was that??

      2. Karowen*

        I’m so glad someone asked this! I was too ashamed to because I thought it would be common knowledge. Or a turn of phrase, like removing her “professional face” mask.

    3. Collarbone High*

      Was this in South Dakota by chance? I had to go to traffic court there as a teen driver. All the county cases for the month were being handled that day (including a city council member being indicted for drug trafficking). At least five times, I watched some rural farmer plead guilty or no contest to multiple offenses, then have this conversation:

      Judge: I’m revoking your license for one year.
      Farmer: You can’t do that.
      Judge: Oh really?
      Farmer: I ain’t ever had a license.

      *Farmer pays fine, gets in truck and drives off, still with no license*

  91. Anon for this*

    For context: Person 1 is a temp (admin work). Person 2 is a salesperson. This email thread was the source of much amusement to me at the time …
    ——
    From: Person 1
    To: All Teapots Staff

    Hello Teapots Staff,

    I need to address a very inconsiderate issue that occurred. I had my lunch removed and thrown in the trash, it was a Papa John’s pizza box with my name written all over it. I spent my hard earned money for that food and that was my lunch for today, I do not have a vehicle or backup lunch for today and should not have to spend additional money to buy food for myself when I had lunch already here in the office.

    I do not understand why this was done, and how the person responsible could be so inconsiderate as to mess with someone else’s things!

    We are all responsible for taking care not to leave food lingering in the fridge past the spoil date, but my pizza was not spoiled and should have never been discarded by anyone other then myself once I was through eating it.

    I am deeply hurt and disgusted by this offense and would appreciate if the person responsible do the right thing and come to me and apologize for such a careless act.

    Thank you,

    Person 1

    ————–

    From: Person 2
    To: Person 1, Teapot Staff

    Hi Person 1,
    I wanted to address your email and apologize.
    This morning in an effort to make room in the fridge, I tossed 3 pizza boxes (2 of which were leftovers from last week’s party), a random donut and an empty pickle jar.
    I must have overlooked the Papa John’s box with your name on it.
    Please stop by my cube, I would be more than happy to order you lunch today.
    Again, sorry

    Person 2
    ——

    From: Person 1
    To: Teapot Staff

    Greetings Staff,

    The person responsible for throwing away my lunch in error has apologized and the issue has been reconciled. I wanted to personally apologize if my email offended anyone, I wrote it in anger and haste. I do feel this is something we all should be very aware of and careful not to do in the future. We are like a family here and we should always try to be considerate of each other.

    Again my apologies to anyone who may have taken my email the wrong way.

    All the best,

    Person 1~~

    1. orchidsandtea*

      That is amusing and also delightful. Clearly the temp was overreacting, though I can understand it if they were under pressure (I have been too broke to buy a 2nd lunch before). The salesperson’s response is perfect, and the whole exchange gives me the giggles.

    2. Quinalla*

      This is great, reminds me of the refrigerator e-mails that went out from the admin (who granted had to deal with some nonsense with the refrigerator, so I don’t entirely blame her) that was responsible for keeping the refrigerator clean. I don’t have any of them verbatim as I don’t work at the place anymore, but they cracked me up and I also felt sorry for her and it led me to just never putting items in the fridge. First she started out with about once a month ALL CAPS telling people to clear out the fridge of all items as she was going to throw anything out remaining after lunch on Friday and clean the fridge. Then it was once a week demanding the fridge be emptied. Then demanding that people only bring in lunches in actual lunch bags, not paper/plastic bags, and everyone mark the bags with their names. Like I said, I felt bad that she was dealing with at least one person who could not be an adult about keep the fridge in good order (probably more than one), but it was over the top these e-mails she sent.

      Not really a rant, but somewhat relevant, another place I interned at, the admin there sent out warning e-mails about once a month that people needed to mark anything they put in the shared refrigerators because food at that place was considered FAIR GAME if it wasn’t labeled or in a obvious lunch container. When a group would order in lunch for a meeting, the second they closed the conference room door, the masses would descend and eat up the remains of the lunch. It wasn’t bad, but just a very weird cultural thing at that office.

      1. mander*

        See, I’m not very squeamish but I’ve seen some very poor food hygiene standards amongst my co-workers. I would never trust that any random food in the office fridge was fit to eat.

  92. the.kat*

    When I worked in a call center, I had a boss who could flip from Biggest Fan to Worst Enemy in a second. He only flipped on me once and it was incredible. The evening before we’d had an office party and there was some leftover cans of soda in the fridge. Early in my shift, I liberated a can and took it back to my desk for my lunch. By accident, I’d liberated his can of soda.

    A few minutes later, when he went to look for it, the explosion occurred. I was taking a call and couldn’t speak up as he tore up and down the aisles looking for his missing soda. By the time I was off the line and able to confess, he’d worked himself into a real lather about missing property and working with thieves and on and on and on. I handed it back to him, apologizing profusely and he slammed it down on my desk saying that if I wanted it so badly, I should just keep it. He then tore off, still ranting.

    I put the soda back in the fridge where I’d found it three times in between taking calls. Each time, he brought it back to my desk and started in again. The first two times I was upset, the third time I got pissed. He slammed it down on my desk while I was on a call and continued to talk about disrespect and personal property.

    I finished my phone call, gathered all the courage in my 22 year old heart, and handed him back the soda. Then, before he could start again, I told him that I was still sorry, that I had apologized as much as I knew how and how it was incredibly hurtful of him to not only not accept my apology but also to keep badgering me and disrupting my work about it. I meant to be angry and was quavering halfway through and leaking tears by the end. I would never suggest crying at work, but it worked on him. He backed off really quickly and came back later to apologize.

  93. The Other Dawn*

    Another adventure from my days working at the grocery store.

    Another very busy day. We had a special going on a product that was 3/$1.00. Well, the register scanned it as .34, .34, and .33, which resulted in the customer getting overcharged by a penny. A PENNY. I was trying to make the correction and since the registers were brand new within the last couple days, I was having a tough time. Meanwhile the customer was bitching and moaning that we’re trying to rob her, we’re dishonest, etc. The people in my mind were just rolling their eyes and were starting to mumble about how she was causing such as scene over a penny. When they’d finally had enough, every single person in that line pulled out a penny and handed it to her! It was awesome. Believe it or not, she took one of the pennies and still continued her rant out the door. She was totally oblivious. Even though she got her penny she was overcharged–which she actually wasn’t because I was able to fix it–she was still convinced that we took advantage of her.

    1. Anon Public Library Manager*

      Oh! This reminds me of a good one!
      I once had a guy really angry that a book he had requested wasn’t on hold for him yet, even though we had it. He harrassed three of my staff in the process of trying to get this book to him. I finally got him the book and he says, “I don’t care about the book! I just want an explanation for your incompetence!”
      Oy.

      1. Sharna Pax*

        I used to work in a toy store, and I once had a customer come in and ask me for music boxes. I showed her the music boxes and she got mad at me because that wasn’t what she was looking for. I patiently walked around the whole store with her, showing her everything we had that played music, and finally she found her “music boxes” – musical mobiles, the kind that you hang above a baby’s crib. She then went into this amazing rant about how I had deliberately hidden the music boxes from her because I was a terrible person. I remember her saying, with heavy sarcasm, “Oh, so you just DIDN’T HAPPEN TO THINK OF THIS! REALLY!” She was so awful that another customer ran downstairs (I was the only person working on that floor) to report to my coworkers that I was being harassed.

        I also had a customer who became convinced that I had called her six-year-old son girly, because she was looking for toy cellphones for him and I told her that the particular cellphones we had were kind of girly and that the walkie-talkies were probably more what he was looking for. Note: the cellphones in question were pink and bedazzled and had lip gloss in them. If a little boy wanted one of those, I would happily help him find one, but I thought it was a safe assumption that a kid looking for a realistic toy cellphone would be happier with a walkie-talkie. The mom refused to believe that the pink bedazzled cellphones existed, and insisted that I had, for no reason at all, told her son that he was girly for wanting a cellphone. (Because clearly cellphones are gendered; that’s why men don’t have them.) I felt terrible for the kid; imagine being only six and having a mom who’s that obviously paranoid about your gender identity.

  94. Very Anon*

    Refresh, refresh, refresh…I’m not going to get anything done today.

    I once had a boss who is one of those people who finds the last message with your name on it and replies to it regardless of the subject. So, she sent me the message “Here is the (editor’s note: blank) self eval form for your annual review” in reply to a message about a scheduled meeting. Except that she apparently hit Reply All so the message went to the other meeting attendees as well.

    One of the other attendees sent an absolutely scathing reply, which unfortunately my boss only showed me and not forwarded to me, so I have to paraphrase. But it was along the lines of,

    “Let me make this perfectly clear: I DO NOT REPORT TO YOU.
    It was my understanding that we are working on [project] as equal partners. I expect you to respect my position as a [bigwig title]. It is certainly not under your aegis to review my performance. If you have a problem with that, we can take it up with [CEO].”

    There was more, but unfortunately I can’t remember all the glorious gory details.

    1. Lily in NYC*

      Wow, how obnoxious! If he had just looked at the email a bit more carefully he probably would have realized it wasn’t meant for him.

  95. AnonMurphy*

    This is my absolute favorite. And not without merit:
    ****************************************************************
    Subject: Regarding Coffee (loosely defined)

    To Those of You who Make/Drink Coffee in the Annex (a list which, in an ideal and righteous world, would comprise the same membership…);

    I am not one of those sorts who leaves yellow Post-It’s in public spaces with lots of exclamation points and frowny-faces; but for the love of everything holy, can we please adhere to some agreed-upon, United Nations-sanctioned, ISO-9000 standard method of brewing coffee up in here!?

    I think we run the gamut from 3-bags on half-brew cycle to ½ bag of decaf on full volume.

    Getting a cup of coffee in the morning here is like playing Russian roulette with my adrenal gland – sometimes it’s like three-day old, thrice-brewed Lipton “Slumber-brew” tea, and sometimes it’s like mainlining Chilean Arabica methamphetamine.

    I don’t care, I’ll drink it either way – I just want to know, as it affects how much of the various accouterments I will lacquer on top of the fetid draught to either enhance the tepid brew or cut the acidity of the NOS.

    My recommendation: unless you are adhering to the pedestrian, Protestant, milquetoast standard of “One Bag, One [full] Pot” as established by the Counsel of Nicaea in 325 AD, then I propose you put some sort of notification on the coffee vessel advertising your particular demitasseac predilection.

    C’est La Java!

    2. Interviewer*

      Ah, coffee. I forgot about this story. I have a co-worker who was completely over the top irked about having to make a new pot of coffee every time he goes in the breakroom. It doesn’t matter what time of day – every time, the pot is empty or almost empty, and no one has bothered to make a fresh pot. I have heard this rant about a hundred times from him. Finally last winter he got fed up and made a large sign. It was a picture of Terry Tate from those amazing Nike commercials in the 90’s about the “Office Linebacker” at the fictional Felcher & Sons, Inc. In giant capital letters, he typed, “You kill the joe, you make some mo’!” This sign was posted conspicuously in the breakroom for about a month. Whenever asked, he readily admitted to making the sign.

      I don’t think it helped.

      2. Artemesia*

        If it bothered him that much he shudda gotta drip cone and made himself a nice fresh cup each time.

    6. Is it spring yet?*

      They have my sympathy. I was not allowed to make the coffee. It was always terrible.

    8. orchidsandtea*

      This is gold. I’m also amused at all the references and quirky phrases, from turning demitasse into an adjective to the Council of Nicaea being called a Protestant thing.

    9. SaraV*

      This…is a masterpiece.

      At OldJob, the coffee came in pre-packaged packets. (Say that three times fast) One packet = one pot. Many an employee thought the single packet coffee was too weak, so they would make a double-batch…but no one really knew what was a single batch and what was a double. After a few weeks, they finally labelled one of the pots as “DOUBLE” on the handle. It was a tremendous help.

      I was discussing with my BIL the problems we were having with the coffee at OldJob. He one-upped me, saying people at his place of work would make half-batches. *yeeeecccch* More cream/sugar makes strong coffee palatable. You can’t “save” half-batch coffee.

      1. IntoTheSarchasm*

        Our single-packet was sorta wimpy so many afternoons, I would make a 1.5 packet batch and put a post-it note on the handle indicating if “Barkin’ Dog Coffee.” It worked out well and led to some random fun howling in the halls.

    10. AnonMurphy*

      Oh, and Allison feel free to use this in summary if you want. I suspect the author would be proud to see his art circulated.

  96. orchidsandtea*

    My grandmother was a disability rights activist and an extremely difficult person. Charming, yes. Compassionate, yes. Nice, nooooooo. She died when I was a teenager, and every year that passes I realize we have more in common than I thought. Luckily for me, she volunteered so much that I can google her and read meeting minutes any time I miss her. This is from the Camellia County Board of Supervisors, in 1998, after she got mad that they were only doing the bare minimum for ADA compliance for paratransit for the elderly.

    “Grandmother Orchids-Tea said she called Washington, D.C. and has turned in a complaint against the City of Sencha with Rupert Assamby, attorney with Federal Department of Transportation Regulations and Enforcement Office. She added that she has no confidence in the Sencha City Manager, and does not have much confidence in Sencha’s elected officials; she is disappointed that they have not invested time and energy in looking themselves. Orchids-Tea thinks her action is a very important right of citizenship.”

    In a county meeting, she’s informing them that she’s registered a federal complaint because she doesn’t trust the city to handle things. And then she’s telling them she’s being an exemplary citizen by doing so. I love this lady. “You should do this.” “We are not actually required to do that.” “Mmm, but you should do this, because people need you to.” “Yes, but we’re focusing on this other thing.” “Okay. Well, I reported you to the feds, because I’m a good citizen.”

    And 18 years later, what’s the first thing on the county’s paratransit webpage? That it’s available for the elderly, as well as the disabled and anyone who “may otherwise find it difficult to conduct daily transactions.” My grandmother would be so proud.

  97. Esquire, Esq.*

    I’m an attorney. A well-respected, professional, and unflappable colleague of mine received a letter from bombastic opposing counsel who had Had It with how our office produces documents. Our cases involve voluminous documents containing sensitive information so our office zips them on an encrypted CD with a letter explaining that the recipient should call our office upon receipt for the password to decrypt the information. It would not be very secure if we enclosed the password with the CD. No one has ever had an issue with this other than bombastic opposing counsel. He was frustrated because he was not computer savvy (note, you just insert CD, click on file, enter password, open file) and believed the “call our office for the password” was some passive-aggressive power play. He also could just not stand my colleague.

    A relevant piece of info: It is common when sending a letter to another attorney to add “Esq.” after his or her name in the address line. It just identifies that the recipient is an attorney, not really necessary, but just a common practice. I doubt anyone would notice if an Esq. were there or not, to be honest.

    So he sent the following letter that enjoyed a place or prominence on my colleague’s wall (sorry I don’t have a copy to relate the entire rant, but the best parts are seared into my memory):

    Dear Colleague’s First Name,

    You are a chicken shit.

    [Insert rant about accusing my colleague of being difficult and uncooperative in producing documents because they’re on a CD with a password.]

    Signed,

    Bombastic Opposing Counsel

    p.s. Please note I have removed the “Esq.” after your name on this letter. You don’t deserve it.

    2. Fried Eggs*

      This is hilarious. Based on this letter, I’m guessing this guy thinks everything is a power play.

    3. alter_ego*

      This is only slightly on topic, but I was helping a customer fill out a form when I worked retail, and the first section was for how you wished to be addressed. There were 5 choices. Mr., Mrs. Ms., Miss, or Dr.

      He WENT OFF on me about how he was a lawyer, and how come Doctors got an option on the drop down, but not lawyers. I mostly placated him by telling him he could put an Esq. after his last name, but like, I’m making 15 dollars an hour working retail, please don’t expected me to change the very nature of the English language for you.

  98. Sans*

    I had a boss that was having an affair with another high-ranking executive in the company. Everyone knew, but pretended they didn’t. An email came out to “all employees” ranting about what a whore she was and how she was sleeping her way to the top. It was from a fake email address, no one could tell who/where it was from – maybe from his wife, for all anyone knows.

    I saved that email. It was amazing. lol

      1. Victoria*

        You know you’ve spent too much time reading reddit when your first impulse in this situation is to say “Now kiss!”.

  99. Dana M.*

    I once received an email rant from the facilities manager of the barbershop I supervised. To explain, the barbers kept saying that the lights were either too dark, or too bright, or the mirrors weren’t lit properly, etc. It seemed like we had a new complaint every month. Each time we dutifully had our facilities department examine the working environment to make sure it was within regulation. (This barber shop is also on a military base, so it is subject to additional regulations.)

    Anyway, the rant comes from when the barbers’ front door (which is glass) was suddenly too bright and needed to be tinted. The facilities manager’s email essentially asked if the sun’s trajectory had changed in the last eight years he had been there – because *suddenly* the barbers were complaining about the glare.

    Regardless, we had the window tinted. Yay for keeping employees happy.

  100. Mazzy*

    My coworker who was an individual contributor sent a rant to everyone, including VPs, about how we all are stressed but it would be helpful if we could improve how we communicate better and get along in general, we shouldn’t create silos, we all have room for improvement, yaddah yaddah, it was so random as nothing specific sparked this, and if any sort of message was going to be parlayed, it wasn’t something one does via email, and is definitely something that should have come from the top down!

  101. Shelbey*

    This was not an email, but it remains one of my favorite temper tantrums of all times at the office. I work for a County government with a small staff. There was a lady who was slowly losing it so she was getting phased out of almost all her duties because she could no longer do them. (Note: Its really hard to get fired at this particular office.) Crazy lady’s father passed away so the rest of the staff chipped in for a nice plant for her desk. After she came back from leave, she had a meeting with the boss that did not go well. She stormed out, stomped to her desk and grabbed the plant and stormed back to his office. From the door, she yelled something along the lines of “Obviously, you do not wish me any sympathy!” and threw the plant at his desk. We all still talk about it. “Well, at least I didn’t throw a plant at you.” She continued working there for another 6 months.

  102. Band kid*

    I was in the marching band in college. We practiced Tuesday and Thursday evenings from 7-10pm on the football field. On clear, cold nights, which was most of the nights we practiced because we were in Boston, you could hear us from pretty far away, but as far as I know, noise ordinances in the town didn’t start till 10, so we were 100% within the law. (And we weren’t too bad either, so I like to think we were overall pleasant to listen to.)

    Anyway, one day during my sophomore year, the bands office staff opened up the office to discover a voicemail from the most irate lady you could imagine, berating us for practicing so late in the evening (it’s college, lady, half of us had class till 6pm) and that she had just moved close to our campus and would either have to “shut her windows or move.” She also claimed that she had called the local police as well as the campus police and that neither would do anything about her complaints.

    She further complained that she was a college professor herself, and had students who couldn’t stay awake in an 8am class which was “ridiculous.” Here I’m not sure if she was claiming that our practicing somehow kept her students up late (she taught at a rival university, not ours) or just that, in general, she found it unwise for us to practice until 10pm — gasp — lest we drift off in our morning classes. I have no idea.

    The rant was at least 2-3 minutes long and was auto-tuned and remixed by one of my friends. That remix made it onto our pregame playlist and as far as I know is still played there today.

    2. Long Time Reader First Time poster*

      When I was in college marching band, our rehearsals were at 9AM on Saturdays — we were the only people awake on campus. Naturally, we started off by playing “Reveille” every week, and then enjoyed the outpouring of curses aimed in our direction from the dormitories…

      1. Band kid*

        How were you able to practice on Saturdays at 9am? I mean, we practiced then too but only because we were getting ready for the football game later that day. Our report times were usually 7:30 or 8am.

    3. AnonInSC*

      The remix. Any chance it can be uploaded to soundcloud or something. It sounds glorious.

  103. TMA*

    While living in a very red state, I worked on a Democratic campaign in high school calling listed numbers. I can’t remember most of the conversations I had with people because I think most people hung up on me. But there was one conversation in particular that made me laugh then and now.

    I called a number and asked for support for the Democratic candidate. He went into a rant of all rants explaining how taxes are rising blah blah blah. When he finally finished, I didn’t know what to say (there were so many points to address, and I was nervous), so I sweetly replied, “Well, I’m sorry to hear you feel that way.” He laughed, I laughed, and we said good bye.

  104. Ruth (UK)*

    I’ve witnessed a few amazing rants etc while working in fast food. One person I worked with stormed out on shift – it was an overnight shift so this happened around 2am and no customers were present. In his anger, he threw a stack of metal bun-trays at the floor with an almighty clang, paused to carefully clock himself out, and then flung himself out of the store. He wasn’t fired or anything (amazingly since this place was pretty good at getting rid of people they didn’t like) and returned pretty embarrassed the next day.

    One that I did, unfortunately: …I was having a rant (outloud, not over email etc) to my manager and another person about something or other. It was more of a ‘ugh all these frustrating things / the system’ rant than anger directed at any one person. I think it was health-and-safety related. Anyway, I tripped backwards over a bench/stool thing mid-rant and landed on my back. I was so riled up though (and also clumsy enough that falling over isn’t unusual for me) that I just continued my rant from the floor. No one could take it seriously anymore though and were all cracking up laughing as I tried to keep on my rant-thought-train. I did find it funny at least shortly afterwards though…

  105. MsMaryMary*

    I’m going to post twice: once for client/customer stories, and one for a former coworker.

    I used to work with pension plans, and we would frequently hear complaints from people about how complicated the calculation is and from people who tried to do the calculation themselves and got a higher number than our calc. Our favorite letter was from a former employee who insisted only a PhD in mathematics could figure out these calculations. One of our clients employed a lot of engineers, and we also received several emails/letters that basically said, “Even I, an ENGINEER, cannot understand this.”

    (Some of the calculations were pretty convoluted and had multiple steps, but most of the time the real reason employees couldn’t match our numbers is that they didn’t have access to the actuarial tables used in the calculation.)

    It wasn’t my client, but one of the other groups in our office had a woman who wanted to initiate her pension payment, but she refused to give out her address or bank account information. She would only communicate via fax from a Kinko’s in Detroit. She said Barack Obama was trying to take her life savings and the FBI was watching her, so she refused to communicate any other way or provide any additional information. She really was owed a pension and we would have liked to pay her, but it was impossible. So every couple of months, we’d get another fax asking for her pension. I used to feel bad for whoever worked at that Kinko’s too.

    1. The Alias Gloria Has Been Living Under. A.A., B.S.*

      I used to work for a company that would administer benefits and specifically I worked with the team that did the pension administration for a large unionized company. There was one letter that was essentially a rant about similar things, but the best part about it was that it started out with “Dear Pension Broad” the person who received it was a woman and said “Well that’s a new one but I guess it’s applicable.”

      1. MaryMary*

        I got one addressed to Gentlemen while I was leading an all female team. I wanted to send it back with a note that there was no one here by that name, but decided to let it go.

  106. DAM*

    This was a resignation email sent to the entire base. I had never met or heard of this woman, but I certainly know her opinion of her workplace now.

    As I sit here trying to find the words to express the whilwind of emotions I
    am experiencing right now, the first thought that pops into my head is WOW,
    10 years has simply FLOWN by!

    As most of you know, I started my adventure with MWR down at XXXX. I
    was a front desk clerk at the absolutely beautiful XXXX. I was a
    young mother of 3 little ones, with my husband as an E5 watercraft operator.
    I absolutely adored the whole experience! We lived on XXXX, and all of
    our family was still located in California, so Morale, Welfare & Recreation
    meant a lot to me personally. I got to know our former MWR Director, XXXX
    . He would come in at least once a week and we would just talk. He
    always asked about my kids, knew their names, and did the same with every
    other employee he would see.

    When my husband made warrant officer we were transferred up to XXXX.
    The drive to CHI was not an option, so I spoke with Mr. XXXX and he had
    me go talk to the ladies at CDC. I was there for a while, but it wasn’t a
    good fit. Then he told me about a position at Marketing. That was when I
    truly felt like I became part of the MWR Family. Because that is what we
    were….a family. A family that while we may have had our differences, we
    all pulled together. We worked hard, played hard, and everyone loved to
    volunteer at special events. No one had to be “detailed” or their schedules
    changed….we all did it for the love of our soldiers and each other.

    I left the organization for a while, but through all of that time away I
    still kept in contact with everyone. When I was presented with an
    opportunity to come back, I was thrilled. I was going HOME. While times had
    changed somewhat, the loyalty to the soliders, their families, and to
    eachother was still as strong. And it showed in our events and our day to
    day activites. The community supported us, in part because they could see
    that not only did we support THEM, but we all supported eachother. Again, it
    wasn’t perfect, but we really were that dysfuntional family who knew how to
    pull it together in front of guests. =)

    When I returned, I honestly thought I would retire from MWR. I never wanted
    to leave. I love the soldiers, I love the community, and I truly believe in
    what MWR stands for. Unfortunately what MWR used to stand for, and what it
    has become are two very different things. As most of us old timers like to
    semi jokingly say, the M is missing. And it’s true. The morale of our
    organization has been ground into the mud. Slowly but surely loyalty has
    disappeared. The climate has become one of “everyone for themselves”, and
    taking care of the soldier is almost a secondary mission. The first is to
    get as much revenue in as possible. (That may not be true, however when you
    tell me that getting into the XXXX students pockets are a priority…the
    lowest ranking soldiers on this Post….there is a problem). Employees are
    told to do more with less, and while I understand that budgets are smaller
    now, so there isnt as much room for bonuses or pay increases, a sincere
    THANK YOU to those that work the hardest would be much appreciated.
    Unfortunately it seems the more someone does, the more they are burdened
    with, and if you do a good job your thanks is simply more
    responsibilites….all the while being told you STILL arent doing well
    enough. While these may simply be MY observations, I have seen and heard
    from so many still within the organization that simply want OUT….that pray
    every day that they get a new job. Any job. As long as it is out from
    underneath all the negativity and stress here in Wonderland. So those of you
    who have the power to make a difference, to dig into what the morale
    problems are and can try to fix them, please take this as plea for help that
    it is. While I may be leaving….many I love are not….if you can help make
    their lives better, please do. They deserve it.

    Oh, I should explain, I call XXXX Wonderland. Because honestly
    nothing makes any sense anymore. There are sincere hard working people who
    CARE, yet no one seems to really care about THEM. And when we are given
    opportunities to make money AND perform a service, the red tape and personal
    agendas of those in charge make things almost impossible to execute.

    (Case in point. While in the Arts and Crafts department, we lost our Framer.
    He left because he felt he was unappreciated and nothing was ever going to
    change that…regardless of how much money he brought in. Yes, he was in a
    downward slump…however the months prior to his leaving showed steady
    growth, and it spilled over into Engraving. After he left, the traffic died,
    and Engraving has been struggling. He has tried to return, not even as an
    employee but as a contractor…so he would PAY US to work here. Steady
    income. He would generate traffic for Engraving. More income. AND we are
    asked at least 2 or 3 times a week for framing services. We have to send
    these soldiers out the gate where we know they will be charged much much
    more for less quality. Everyone has agreed to his return, yet it is still
    sitting on someone’s desk. How does THIS make sense??)

    BUT, all that aside, please don’t take me for a “disgruntled ex-employee” I
    deeply love what we were able to accomplish. I have made some of my BEST
    friends here. Some of you are still keeping up the good fight and trying
    your damnedest to make a difference and I salute you!! I will miss seeing
    your faces every day, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for being my
    family…and I hope that just because I have traveled up the Rabbit Hole
    that you wont forget me or the fun we had. =)

    Keep looking out for the soldiers, and for each other. We are all so much
    more alike than we are different…the petty differences really ARE petty.
    One day you will look back on all of this…and wonder, as I do, WHERE the
    time went. In the blink of an eye my children are grown and most have their
    own children. I feel like I missed so much by worrying about the
    ridiculousness of WORK. So while you are here, or ANYWERE, please ENJOY IT!
    Take time to breathe…to LIVE. Don’t live for WORK….dont let it consume
    you or take away time from your family. Do your JOB then go home and LIVE
    YOUR LIFE!! Take chances, pursue your passions, and don’t be afraid to fail
    because all the cliches are true…you only REALLY fail if you stop trying.
    So don’t settle for mediocre, Don’t just tread water when you can strap a
    parachut to your back and FLY!!! So many of you are so damn talented, smart,
    funny, and deserve MORE than you can ever imagine…so laugh, have fun,
    encourage, build up, forgive…all the things that seem so simple but that
    really DO make a life worth living. I don’t know where the next adventure
    will take me, but I’m absolutely positive I will be behaving MOST
    inappropriately while I’m enjoying it!

    Keep in touch with me on Facebook (ya’ll KNOW I am always on there lol), by
    text, and by email.

    Lots and lots of love!!!!

  107. Jersey's Mom*

    I worked for the state DNR back in the 90’s. One task involved meeting with a landowner to explain why his newly purchased microscopic lot on a lake did not meet shoreland code, and a new house could not be built there. Said landowner was a priest who had recently immigrated to the Midwest from Poland. I met with him numerous times on his micro-lot and kept explaining why he could not build on the property — then I came out and found that he had started building. I told him that he had to stop building immediately, and that the conservation warden would now be involved, as well as the county zoning administrator. We set up a date for a meeting at the county building for the next day. When I showed up, he was in the (crowded) lobby, in full regalia. He pointed at me and shouted that I would go to hell for persecuting him, because I refused to allow a Polish immigrant to live in a house in the United States, and that I was obviously related to Hitler (I have a very German surname) and was going to burn in hell for all the evil done to the Poles by the Hitler regime. The warden showed up at this point and explained that he needed to calm down and be quiet – his response was to hold both arms up in the air (as though they were handcuffed) and shout “now the army arrives to take me away in handcuffs, you are all witnesses to this persecution.

    The meeting was cancelled and he was immediately served with papers instructing him to show up at circuit court in a couple weeks. Fortunately, the judge was not impressed with the two outbursts in court and let him know that if there was a third outburst, he was going to jail. He understood that. Ultimately, the house foundations were ordered removed.

    Fun times….

  108. fposte*

    Oh, I forgot about one! Long and irate email complaint from a woman who was deeply upset that something we give away for free wasn’t as good as she hoped, sent to my student staff, me, my boss, and a half-dozen other people I’ve never heard of. My poor staff was seriously freaked out.

  109. AJSV*

    My first full time job was as an editorial assistant for a book publisher. The authors we worked with were typically self-centered and challenging to work with.

    The office was based in lower Manhattan. Basically, I had a front row seat to 9/11. No one from my office was injured or killed, but we were in the debris field and the whole area was closed for a week afterwards. I wasn’t focused on doing things like updating my voicemail–I was dealing with personal issues immediately after the attacks (one friend had been killed and 8 friends who lived in the area who were not able to return home. They had no clothes or toiletries and three people were staying in our tiny apartment.)

    Work was the last thing on my mind at that time. As far as I can tell no one in my office was focused on work–there were no internal emails to speak of when I came back except for updates on the situation and safety.

    Anyway, when I returned to the office the following Monday, I had three voicemail’s from one of our authors, each one increasing in anger, all demanding that I send her the proof of her book cover immediately. By the third she was yelling into the phone things like “how dare I ignore her” and “I can have you fired” and things like that.

    Incidentally out of about 40 voicemails and calls I received that week only one of our authors even asked me how we were doing. I was so glad to quit that job!

    1. orchidsandtea*

      Oh gosh, AJSV, that’s just traumatic and sad. How uncompassionate and self-centered.

    2. JennyFair*

      That is even worse than the person who called every day, sometimes more than once, to ask when our HR department would ‘be in’, despite my explaining each and every time that the HR department’s facility was UNDER WATER DUE TO THE FLOOD. She was baffled that we could not provide an exact time of return.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Ugh, what a rude idiot.

      Not nearly as horrid as yours, but that reminds me of when we had a derecho in the area and it spawned 19 tornadoes, one of which hit Exjob. The power pole had been snapped in half and we were dark, but the phone worked, so I stayed to answer it while some of the other office employees went over to the second building (it sustained the worst of the damage) to cover the machines with tarps and clean up the water and insulation everywhere.

      Most people calling were asking why they couldn’t fax us anything, and I explained we had just had a tornado, everyone was okay, but the power was out and we didn’t know when it would come back on. Everyone was all, “Oh my gosh, I hope it wasn’t too bad, do whatever you need to recover, good luck,” etc. Not this one woman–I explained the situation and she said, “Oh.” A beat. “When can I fax my quote then?” Thanks for your sympathy!

    4. MJ (Aotearoa/New Zealand)*

      Okay, you’ve just reminded me. I was working in Christchurch during our major earthquake in 2011. 185 dead, a good portion of the city flattened — it was a very big deal. Christchurch is in the Canterbury province, and we worked for an organisation with “Canterbury” in our name. And, you know, our address in all our emails.

      The earthquake was a Tuesday afternoon. I was in payroll for the hospital, and pays got processed on Wednesday. So there were a lot of emergency procedures going on to get our people paid.

      Most people were (obviously) incredibly understanding. Two that weren’t:
      -The medical professional who’d sent me a timesheet the previous day for some overtime, that hadn’t been entered into the payroll system before the quake hit, so wasn’t paid to her in that pay the day after. When I came back into the office, I had an irate voicemail demanding to know why it hadn’t been paid to her when I’d PROMISED it would be in this pay?
      -The insurance company who sent a strongly worded email wanting to know why we hadn’t sent out the remittance advice to them on Wednesday afternoon as per normal? And when the team leader replied with “Uh, because of the earthquake?” they said “Oh… we hadn’t realised that’s where you were.” Again, our location was in our name.

    5. chocolate lover*

      That’s awful.

      Not as bad as that, but years ago, the receptionist in our office passed away. It was MONTHS before we could fill the position, and while we occasionally had student workers or a staff member out there, most of the time, there was no one, just a sign (we didn’t get approval for a temp.) We would pull voicemail messages off the phone, distribute them and call people back.

      One day someone came in and was complaining about no one answering the phone and being at the desk, even though they tried repeatedly. They weren’t actually rude and obnoxious, just frustrated, which I understood, cause we were, too. But at that point, I was so tired of the situation and frustrated with other increasingly nasty complaints along the same vein, I looked at them, deadpan, shrugged, and said “Our receptionist died.” Gave them a few seconds to take that in, then directed them to what they needed.

    6. Laura*

      I know your publisher very well. It treated many authors I know appallingly. I too was living in NYC far downtown on 9/11 so I completely understand the situation, but if you think that the authors you encountered behaved worse than your company, you’re very far off. And I have a great deal more experience in this industry than you do.

  110. Anon for this*

    This is more of a meltdown than a rant, but here goes. In a previous position, I worked in the library of a for-profit college. One of the professors basically stopped showing up to teach her class after the first week, and she was altering records to make it look like she was there more often that she actually was. After several warnings, the dean decided to fire her. Normally I would never joke about someone being fired, because NOBODY is at their best in that situation. However, her behavior was so bizarre that I feel OK posting about it. I wasn’t in the meeting, but I was in the next room, so I could hear the fallout. It went on for a long time– she did a lot of yelling and screaming (including a classic “you can’t fire me, I quit!”), then slammed the door and stormed out of the room. Several minutes later, the dean came over to my desk and we were chatting when in walked the professor! She stomped into the library, grabbed the stapler and hole punch off my desk, and yelled “These are mine! MIIIINE!” before running out of the library and leaving the building. They most definitely were NOT hers, but I was so caught off guard that I didn’t even say anything. The dean and I just looked at each other in disbelief, and he silently went over to the supply closet to get me another stapler and hole punch. It was surreal.

  112. Chickaletta*

    OK, I’ve got two:

    1)
    Backstory: I volunteer for a high school exchange program and in our state there was a student from a country which broke out in civil war a year ago and therefore he needed a visa and program extension in order to remain safely in the US. Long story short, he and his countrymen got their visa extensions but were required to be continuously enrolled in an academic program. To meet this technical requirement, the State Department, which funded the program, organized an academic summer camp. It was hastily thrown together, as they only had a few weeks to plan it, but it happened and the kids had a good time. Good news, right? Go to camp rather than die at the hands of your enemy?

    However, some other volunteers here felt it didn’t meet their standards. They drafted a two page complaint to send to the State Department and our Senator complaining about things like:

    • A day trip to an amusement park, which was clearly unacademic and therefore a violation of the program stipulation.
    • Unappetizing camp food.
    • Bugs in the bathrooms.
    • No ladders on the bunkbeds.
    • It was dark in the woods.
    • etc.

    They asked me to sign the letter. I politely refused. I couldn’t believe they were going to send a letter like that to the STATE DEPARTMENT and a SENATOR. It was CAMP for heaven’s sake. Considering the alternative was torture and/or death, I say bugs in the bathroom and sparsely lit paths weren’t something to complain about. I never found out if they sent the letter.

    2)
    I used to be Jr. Warden on my church’s vestry which is like being Vice President of a Board. At the end of my term we had two priests who didn’t get along. Priest A was permanent and full-time, Priest B was temporary and part-time.

    Priest A was difficult to work with but she didn’t realize it, and Priest B was threatening to quit because he didn’t like working with her. We tried to smooth things over, but alas, a few days before the end of my tenure Priest B resigned.

    Priest A left me a voicemail that day to let me know she found out he quit. It sounded like she was walking to her car and the message was huffy, but what I heard was, “Those f*ckers just won’t let you go easy, will they?”

    I though surely I had heard her wrong, so I replayed the message several times and even asked my sister to listen. Neither of us could figure out what other word she might have used. In the end I just decided to let it go. I was already weary of Priest A for several other reasons and I just chalked this up to her showing her true self. I never told anyone else at my church, there was already enough drama surrounding her and I decided not to fan the flames.

  113. breadrolls*

    I was once accused of collaborating with the mafia to sabotage someone’s attempt to get their case heard by the supreme court.

  114. BAS*

    I had a customer who was returning an absolutely trashed suit for cash of course and we required an ID to do cash and this guy WENT OFF b/c how dare I he did not have his ID, he did not feel good (clearly hungover), how dare I impose upon him etc. I had to page the store manager for approval and the entire time dude is just going OFF about how I’m so unhelpful. He only shut up when I just stared blankly at him and said “You know, it isn’t legal to drive without it, right?” I was pissed enough this guy “rented” an entire outfit, trashed it, and wanted to return it, never mind for cash. I could not have had less f’s to give. It was all I could do to not roll my eyes.

    Obviously they gave him the cash without an ID. It was Nordstrom.

  116. "Anonymous"*

    Company-wide email rant sent from the CEO on the morning of our Thanksgiving lunch. He went to the lunch, but sat alone in a corner and pouted. I still have no idea what person or events this email is referring to.
    —
    Employees-

    Loyalty is defined as a feeling or attitude of devoted attachment and affection. This is the subject of this email because it has come to my attention that it’s okay to disparage our company, myself, and the transformation this company has undergone over the past three and a half years.

    [Company name] and [CEO] might be a lot of things, but a “punch-line” to a joke or a “rolling of the eyes” isn’t one of them. I’m stunned by the complete lack of professionalism, but more disturbing, the ability to hide the apparent “disdain” and apparent “dislike” for the leadership of this company in such a convincing manner. I applaud those individuals for your creativity and acting ability. However, the fact that I know now complicates things just a bit.

    The last time I wrote an email like this to the company, an employee sat down with me and stated that such an email can have a negative impact on morale. Well, my response then and my response now is this: I refuse to have employees who work for me who are dishonest, who are selfish, who are critical of others, and care little about our company. But these same individuals would be the first to complain if they didn’t get compensated for doing something.

    What saddens me the most is that I’ve tried to create an environment where there are no limits to what you can accomplish and reward those who accept that challenge. I’ve given opportunities to people based on their ability, not because of their race or gender. I’m not interested in the comma after your last name and how many degrees you have. But to get smacked in the face like this is just embarrassing. Is this the environment I expected? Is this what the company gets in return?

    So, if you are keeping score at home, it would read something like this: Passive-aggressive behavior, inflated sense of self-worth, and selfish behavior 3 and [Company] 0.

    So, it’s not the email or the context of this email that lowers MORALE, it’s the actions of a few that impact the whole, that affects MORALE. Since I’m responsible [at the moment], for your welfare five days week, let me remind you of Newton’s Third Law of Physics which states: “for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction”.

    So, to those of you who are loyal and I know a great majority of you are, I want to thank you for hard work and professionalism. Being responsible for one’s livelihood is the most humbling thing a leader or an owner of company does. It means selfless devotion, exhibiting a high degree of judgment and apathy toward others. It doesn’t mean you become a bully, a tyrant, or a know-it-all, or insult the very company that provides your livelihood.

    This email doesn’t require an acknowledgement or a response. But it will resonate with the intended parties. For those of you who walk the line and do their jobs faithfully every day and exhibit loyalty, I thank you and I will be relentless in my pursuit in attempting to provide the best work environment possible for as long as I’m running this company.

    In closing, it’s so ironic that “Thanksgiving” is upon us. We all have a lot to be thankful for, but the timing of the information provided to me troubles me greatly. That being said, I want all of you to know how I feel about this. Now some of you, after you read this email, will congregate and discuss and offer opinions and explanations of what you would have done or wouldn’t have done, and that’s the beauty of being “led” as opposed to being the “leader”. I openly encourage all of you to have substantive dialogue about this and maybe, just maybe, the person[s] who felt compelled to disparage our company and your leader will show themselves.

    The [Company event] scheduled for January 5th, 2015 is hereby canceled.

    Other changes relative to additional company-wide events will be evaluated after the Thanksgiving break.

  117. Snowglobe*

    Many years ago, I worked as a small business loan officer at a bank. I had a loan request from a man who had just opened a business. The business was losing money, the owner had no other income or assets and a bad credit history, so I had to decline the request, although I spent a lot of time with the guy discussing other options. A few weeks later, in the mail I received a copy of a letter. It was a 4 page letter that the business owner had written to the President of the United States, describing how he was being discriminated against, and asking Mr. Clinton to force the bank to approve his loan.

  118. Boogers in the bathroom stall*

    Perhaps this is more of a rant in the form of a passive aggressive office sign, but its such a good story, I have to share it.

    So, apparently there was a problem in one of the stalls in the men’s bathroom. Someone was using the stall, and I guess to entertain themselves while sitting there, was picking their nose and wiping the boogers all over the walls of the stall. Someone else was apparently very grossed out by this (weren’t we all…) and made up an office sign, complete with MS Office clip art of a little boy picking his nose, a commode, and a box of Kleenex. It said: “If you must pick your nose in here, please use a tissue or paper towel!”. The sign was posted inside the booger stall.

    Well, naturally, this invited trouble. Someone else (the original booger wiper?) went in to the stall, wiped a massive booger directly on the sign, circled it with a ball point pen, and wrote a note next to said booger that simply said “Sure! No problem!”

    Much hilarity ensued. The sign was taken down within a few hours and nothing more was ever heard from booger-wiper or sign-maker ever again. The End.

  119. MsMaryMary*

    Okay, (former) coworker story. At OldJob, a coworker accused me of sexually harrassing him. I never figured out if I had actually offended him (he was not native to the US, so there could have been some cultural misunderstandings) or if he was crazy like a fox and using me to distract from his own performance issues. His complaints included that I asked him what he did over the weekend, asked where he lived, and my favorite: walked down the hallway in front of him – on purpose. He also said that I threatened to have him terminated, when in reality I was explaining what happened on our system is a client terminated one of their employees. I was not his manager (anyone’s manager, at the time), his coach, and I did not have hiring/firing authority.

    When he took his complaint to HR, he had this 13 page handwritten list of all the times I had harrassed him or behaved inappropriately. Alas, he refused to share the document with HR or with me, so I never got to read his full manifesto. When HR tried to facilitate a meeting between the two of us, he would frantically flip through it to find specific dates and examples: “March 11 – she sat across from me at lunch with her blouse unbuttoned.” Me: “I don’t remember March 11 specifically, but I promise I have never unbuttoned my top and flashed the cafeteria.”

    HR dismissed the complaint (and told me and my manager that I had handled myself very well). He was eventually put on a PIP and fired. I got to come in at noon without taking PTO the day he was let go, so I was safely off the premises when they fired him. OldJob had been sponsoring his work visa, and he had to leave the country when he lost his job. Another coworker told me his Facebook profile says he works for a Big 5 firm in his native country.

    2. fposte*

      Have you mentioned the walking down the hall in front of him thing here before? Because I swear I remember that, and it would be really freaky if more than one person had received that complaint.

    4. ThursdaysGeek*

      That reminds me of the co-worker at a former job who complained to HR that when I passed him in the hall I smiled at him. He felt that I was harassing him, trying to re-establish a friendship. HR told me to not smile or talk to him in the hall. (That was hard, because my default is a smile.)

  120. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

    Back when I was in the call center, I had a gentleman call in — missing money from his business account, to the tune of about $1,500. Given his overall level of activity, it wasn’t huge, but it wasn’t inconsiderable either — about a day’s credit card activity. He was very courteous through the call, obviously frustrated that the money was missing but clearly understanding that I was trying to help him and that being nice to me was in his best interest.

    I got the matter resolved for him, let him know the money was being released and should be in his account within the next day or two, and then…

    “Well, thank you so much for helping me, miss. You know, things like this… it just makes me want to drive to your office and just open fire, you know?”

    His business was, incidentally, located less than ten miles from our office.

    2. Mazzy*

      This one gave me the chills. I’ve had a few scary incidences in my life and so wouldn’t be sure if he was serious or not in this situation.

  121. KS*

    My client one time recieved a 7 PAGE document about how I and my manager were terrible people and treated everyone like mushrooms (i.e. piled on shit and left them in the dark). There was a whole paragraph about how I had “gone to the dark side” and “sold my soul”. All over the fact that I had written him up for screaming at me in front of said client and he quit rather than take the write up.

    The funny thing was that everything he said about my manager was completely true, but the whole thing was so crazy and unbelievable that I had a hard time believing situations I had been there for!

  122. Matilda*

    I used to work for an insurance/investment company (as more or less an admin) and a few of our clients put together complicated trust and estate plans that included lawyer involvement. One such case involved a lot of back and forth with one client’s lawyer (and I remember it being frustrating, but can’t remember why or what was going on anymore) and after one email I sent him the lawyer simply responded with: WTF. Clearly a very professional lawyer…

    1. Lily in NYC*

      Uh-oh, is that really such a bad thing? I have sent WTF emails at work before. But my boss does it too so I guess it’s ok here.

      1. Sarah*

        I would guess it goes over a lot better within one organization than between organizations…

    2. Snow*

      I used to work on a help desk and once my team had to forward an email with a subject of WTF to senior management because it had come from that level (it was apart from the subject otherwise perfectly professional complaint about a system change we’d implemented which we knew would draw complaints.) The senior manager didn’t know what WTF meant and had to come over to ask – I think a few of my colleagues pretended they didn’t know until I caved and explained it. She was seriously offended by it but responded to the complaint and it went back and forth quite a lot and no-one ever changed the subject.

  123. Development Professional*

    I used to manage a “young patrons” donor group that was marketed to people in their “20s and 30s.” If you became a member, we did some light verification of your age by asking for your date of birth. Once a year, we hosted an open event that anyone could buy a ticket to (with a member/non-member price difference) to drum up interest for new members. We marketed that event also to “20s and 30s” but it wasn’t worth the effort to do any age verification just for a non-member ticket purchase, but of course we didn’t advertise that fact. If you go through the purchase path on the website, it’s pretty clear that we weren’t checking.

    So this guy calls me shortly after the event is posted on the website and the email invitation goes out, ranting that IT’S AGE DISCRIMINATION not to allow him to buy a ticket for this event. He’s 60 and he wants to come and it’s DISCRIMINATION if we don’t let him. He talked for a solid two minutes before I could get a word in.

    Me: Of course you can buy a ticket and attend the event. We’d love to have you.
    Him: I can come, even though I’m 60?
    Me: Yes. We advertise this event for people in their 20s and 30s because it’s designed to be a welcome event for the Young Patrons, but anyone may attend who buys a ticket. In fact, there are a few people who attend each year who are not in the age range simply because they enjoy the event.
    Him: Really?
    Me: Yes. If it’s something you’d enjoy, you should come. Please buy a ticket!

    He never bought a ticket.

    1. Lily in NYC*

      I love this. It reminds me of a Simpsons episode when Lisa was going to join the football team to make a point about gender in sports and then quit when she found out there were already a bunch of girls on the team.

    2. Florida*

      When I was about 25, I changed banks. The new bank offered me the senior citizen package because it was the best deal. When I pointed out that I wasn’t a senior citizen, the banker said that had to offer it to everyone. I’m not 40 yet, but I still have the senior citizen program.

  124. Cranky HR*

    I received this with a resume for a copy writer position – it was his “writing sample”:

    “I am now past the six month, no-turning-back level of unemployment, that milestone at which the majority of potential employers refuse to even look at my application, no matter how qualified I may be. Here is my message to them: you WILL pay me a salary, regardless of whether or not you choose to hire me. If you choose to employ me, I will work hard for you and you will derive financial benefit from my work. You would know this if you would bother to read my resume and contact my references. If you do not choose to consider me a viable employee due to my period of unemployment, I will soon be applying for Public Assistance, SNAP and Medicaid. Your corporate and personal taxes will pay for these programs. In addition, I will make sure I am first in line for any local food banks, medical clinics and other programs open to the poor, , many of which your employees – and even you – help pay for through their contributions to various churches and charities. Because no one will hire me, I will remain on Public Assistance and its attendant programs until I am old enough to collect Social Security benefits. Since Washington has already spent the monies I paid into that program during my working life, you will also be paying for my retirement through your taxes. Do not be fooled by politicians who are trying to court your vote: Public Assistance, SNAP, Medicaid and Social Security programs will never be abolished in this country. Finally, think of the next generation’s attitude toward work, specifically the attitudes of my 14 year-old son and 5 year-old granddaughter, who live with me. Do you think they will have any initiative to get an education or try to better themselves while experiencing first-hand what has happened to their father/granddad when he did the same? You may choose to hire me and pay me a salary, or you can pay me to sit around and do nothing; but, either way, you are going to pay.”

    2. Lillian McGee*

      Okay, this one is hilarious but PLEASE tell me I read that wrong and this guy’s son did not father a child when he was NINE :/

      1. Annie Moose*

        Hopefully it’s just poorly worded and the granddaughter in question was the daughter of a different child of the letter writer? And he just was mentioning the son/granddaughter that happen to live with him?

  125. AliceW*

    My brother told me about an large tech company who had an employee send a fim-wide email with the subject line “I quit” and a photo of a chimpanzee giving the middle finger. Everyone from the CEO to the mail room workers got the email.

  126. Navy Vet*

    I am a contractor for a vry large corporation with offices and plants worldwide.

    A few weeks ago one of the IT personnel sent a mass mail to all of the corporation. All 110 k employees. (with spreadsheet attachment)

    I read the e-mail, saw it did not apply to me at all and promptly dismissed it. Other employees chose another funnier, more annoying route. There were a ‘few’ reply to alls asking what this message was and why they received it. Which resulted in all 110k initial recipients to get the whole thing again. By the time the IT department got it under control there were over 350 replies to this mistaken email.

    During that 24 hour period over 38 million e-mails were sent on the company servers. And let me tell you, e-mail was a teeny bit bogged down that day.

    1. econobiker*

      Had a similar situation happen several times at a global auto manufacturer’s North America /Western Hemisphere entire email address book until IT finally locked down the Send to All email group. There was mandatory training course on email address etiquette issued soon afterwards.

  127. JennyFair*

    I worked a temp job at a very small company where the office manager was married to the trucks foreman. They had their marital disputes *in the office*, so we were treated to noisy rants on a daily to weekly basis.

    I had wondered why the previous temp just never came back to work one day, leaving her personal belongings, etc., but I quickly realized the place was just too toxic. Nevertheless, I stuck out my assignment. On my last day, the CEO asked me to his office to give ‘an outsider’s view of how the office is run’. And I did.

  128. GreenTeaPot*

    A rant from an NPO ED, terminated at the end of her probation period, that was sent to her board and other EDs. Outwardly, this woman seemed to have it together. But the rants continued for several weeks and the NPO had to do lots of damage control. From what I was told, they did the right thing by terminating her.

  129. Capt crunch*

    Short and to the point:

    Boss takes fax off machine

    gets big black sharpie and writes FUCK OFF in huge letters on it

    faxes it back to sender

    Weird customer complaint

    Gist was: our cruise was ruined by an international conspiracy spying on us…. The crew were communicating in code by whistling… Please call Interpol

  130. amp2140*

    There were two:

    1. Mike had clearly gone through a rough patch in his life. He had long scraggly hair, missing teeth, always looked unkempt. He had been a temp with the company for a few years, we had apparently picked him up after our client downsized. My company has a history of keeping people as temps for years with false promises to keep them going. My boss fought hard for a position for me, and it had just gotten approved. Per company policy, it was posted for 10 days. no one in the company had applied, and there was one external candidate. I got hired, and Mike sent the longest, rantiest email I’d ever seen to my boss. It was over a page and a half. Mike said that he “knew how my boss talked about him to other people”, “everyone looks down on him, but he has a really high IQ”, “and he found it disrespectful where my boss said there was no room to hire him after he had just hired me (little did he know I had come with another offer and it took 7 months to create the position)”. Of course a little over a year later, when the next group that had him as a temp had their project end and he was let go, he saw no reason to send an email to my boss talking about how close they were and how they always worked well together.

    2. A coworker Steve the team had regularly had issues with being condescending and rude finally found a new position. He had constantly bullied our newest employee, Jill, actively telling people she didn’t know how to do her job and just shoving anything at her that he didn’t want to do. He actively refused to train her when she was first brought on as a temp to help out with the workload at his site. When he was within his two weeks, Jill was in a position where our boss would send her 1 day a week to Steve’s site to help, and Jill had just taken a Wed-Wed vacation, resulting in our boss not sending her either week. Steve sent an email saying “I don’t know if Jill just didn’t feel like working, or felt like something else was more important, but I WILL NOT be doing anything Jill works on in my final two weeks” It went on for about another page. For clarity, Jill was only working on things at Steve’s site at the time, because Steve kept mis-allocating his time to other groups and not doing his real job. The problem was, during this whole spat, our boss was in the hospital with a heart attack!

    Jill, being new to the workforce, really wanted to respond, but I asked her to sit back and let him dig his own grave. Our boss responded regarding his situation, and Steve sent another email to Jill not copying our boss, reiterating that he won’t be doing ‘her’ work.

    Steve was listed as ineligible for rehire.

  131. Anon___*

    This would not be considered a rant but it is still one of the weirdest most misguided use of email I’ve ever encountered in the workplace.

    I had just started working for a failing non-profit whose CEO had just been ousted due to embezzling money from the organizations state and federal funding, like a day after I started. They hired Ron, a former big shot corporate manager turned non-profit believer who had a affinity for purple suits, wearing ties with Disney characters, oversharing, and crying in almost every meeting. He began “Monday Morning Mojo” which was a email to start our day off on a positive note. I should also say that these were being sent to employees that all just had a significant pay cut just to keep the organization afloat, and morale was LOW. Here’s an example of one (for my own giggles I started forwarding them to a girlfriend and thus have them ALL saved in email);

    Good morning,

    I just have to comment about the passing of Amy Winehouse this morning. Amy, who sang, “He tried to make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no” is just one more reminder to me of how important our work is here. Supposedly, Amy drank herself to death as did my second wife. Alcohol and drugs really do kill. Over 20,000 clients have been through “rehab” at New Connections and we saved many of their lives and they have gone on to be productive members of our community.

    I really don’t think I am being dramatic by saying, “We save lives.” We not only save lives with our outpatient treatment services and our prevention activities, but what we do for our clients.

    This is the real mojo for us all being here. Have a great week!

    Needless to say Ron did not save the company with his mojo and it closed about a year after but I was long gone by then.

    1. OriginalYup*

      That is a masterpiece of stupidity. It’s like the Mona Lisa of I-am-thoroughly-incompetent.

      And he regularly cried in meetings too, you say? Ye gods.

  132. DMC*

    I cannot find the email as it was a few years ago, but I volunteer with a nonprofit canine rescue and I was out of town visiting my ailing father in the hospital. I received a ranting message through FB from someone upset with the organization. If my memory serves me correctly, it was because she needed to rehome a dog and we would not take her dog. We get such surrender requests so frequently we have an auto reply on our the a specific email address explaining the process, options, etc. I usually don’t respond to ranting messages or, when I do, give a very brief, polite response. Her message just caught me at the wrong time. I responded back something to the effect that her dog was her responsibility, and while we’d love to help all the dogs everywhere, we cannot, nor are we obligated to. I probably went on a slightly mini rant myself. I explained we’re volunteer run, no one is paid, and that at the moment, I was out of town dealing with my father, who was close to dying but still taking time to respond to her about something that was 100% her responsibility. Well, she actually wrote back with an entirely different tone, very nice and sympathetic and I hope/think she realized she went a bit too far in her original email rant. Wish I could find the message, though! Why I like this thread, and often think of the rant I received, is it reminded me to consider in my own communications to tread carefully. We all occasionally need to send some type of complaint correspondence to a company, and these incidents remind me, at least, to realize I have no idea what the other person on the end of my email is dealing with. It’s made me start to intentionally interject a bit of humor into my rant letter. Maybe someday I can write one as great as this letter: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4344890/Virgin-the-worlds-best-passenger-complaint-letter.html

    1. fposte*

      Once, in my youth, I wrote a very minor complaint letter from my workplace about our subscription to bound books of relevant state laws; it was a small problem and nobody was really mad, so I felt free to get creative with the letter. Apparently it became fairly well known there, because somebody from the business dropped by our office personally to see who wrote the letter.

      (And I no longer have any recollection of what I actually wrote. I think it had to do with Rhode Island.)

    2. Elizabeth West*

      The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

      I lost it at this bit! X’D

      1. Hellanon*

        I’m just going to take a moment here to encourage everyone to google “springs1 ranch dressing” – the original rant is a doozy, as are the affiliated Reddit page & ranch dressing memes…I am not sure I am brave enough to click on the Amy’s Baking Company fanfic posted to AO3, though.

  133. Sfigato*

    I was looking for something in an ex-employees old electronic files (which were posted publicly so staff could look documents they might need – I wasn’t just snooping!), and came across a draft of an email written to HR about his lunch being thrown away by the cleaning service. I wish I had saved it, because it was so amazingly passive aggressive. The organization was going through trainings about being a learning org, and it was written in learning org jargon. “The evidence is that my bag was clearly marked with my initials. I am intensely curious why the cleaning staff would see fit to throw it away, when the protocol is that initialed food will not be disposed.” etc. etc. It was an entire page. Hopefully he didn’t actually send it.

  134. Bens Admin*

    At an old job, when I was still on the phones in a call center, a coworker sent an email to everyone in the building about how her direct supervisor was having sex with several of his employees (accurate, one of them was later pregnant with his child, nobody got disciplined/reassigned), and probably also her manager (not likely), and they were all ugly and dumb and expletive etc etc. She then walked out. A few minutes later we got a panicky email from the site director “PLEASE DISREGARD EMAIL”, which was of course after we’d all read/printed it. All that ever came of it was that the site-wide email distros were locked down, and they had our local HR lady start processing all terminations as “emergencies”, which meant much later when I took over her role I eventually got an email from IT “why do you keep sending all these emergency terms” “…because that was the process I was told? am I not supposed to?” They thought everyone in our building must be raving lunatics, haha.

    1. fposte*

      Really has “Please disregard email” ever done anything but make people pay even more attention?

  135. Van Wilder*

    I was recently out of college and new to the company. I had asked one of the admins how to send a certified receipt letter and she showed me where the different tickets would go, demonstrating on the nearest priority mail envelope, but neglecting to tell me that the certified mail tickets shouldn’t actually go on a priority mail envelope. So I put the wrong ticket on the wrong envelope, which as you know is a cardinal sin.
    I came in the next morning to a two-minute voicemail rant from the mail guy. It included such gems as “Do not, I repeat, do not put the certified label on the priority mail envelope” and “That’s going to be a delay on YOUR part.”
    It was such a weird and aggressive voicemail. But it actually just made me think that this guy has some anger issues elsewhere in his life that he’s not dealing with. I was super nice to him after that; he seemed like he needed it.

  136. evilintraining*

    Oh, boy. I used to work at a local Jewish organization. At one point, management decided everyone would get name badges; not a big deal, right? One guy, though, who was always looking out for “big brother is watching” kinds of things, sent an email to the ENTIRE STAFF talking about how wrong this was. He went on to suggest, “How about tattooing numbers on our arms? I hear that’s a great way to control a large group of people.” (Again, this was a Jewish organization!) He ended it by saying that he would wear his new nametag where he thought it belonged: on his back pocket, so everyone would know how he felt about it. We were called into an emergency staff meeting first thing in the morning and were told that this man was no longer working there and was not welcome in the building.

    1. DCGirl*

      I once worked with a very observant Jewish woman who was engaged to a very observant Jewish man whose family named had been anglicized at some point to something less ethnic sounding (think Whitehead, instead of Weisskopf). One of the vice presidents asked her how anyone would know she was Jewish after she changed her name. She responded, “Well, I could where a yellow star.” That shut him up.

  137. just changed jobs*

    An old coworker that put in his out of office notification that he wasn’t at work because he “was having a meltdown”

  138. The Driver*

    I work for a nonprofit. There’s a former board member that took issue with a fundraising appeal I sent out. She felt I was falsely inflating figures relating to the number of people served in order to mislead donors into giving more money. She emailed her thoughts to my director and members of our board. Lots of all-caps, lots of exclamation points, lots of colorful language directed (indirectly) at me – I’ll excerpt below:
    “I don’t know who authored this letter; but it was not a clerk in your mail room!” and my favorite,
    “There’s a ribald old adage that says, ‘Integrity is like virginity. Once you lose it, you can’t get it back.’ “

  139. Carolyn*

    My favorite was after an automated email reminding all faculty (I work in higher ed) to complete mandated online training by xyz date a professor replied all (so hundreds of professors): “When is the administrator training and when will I learn why the make so much and do so little”

    I of course experienced pure joy while reading her albeit short rant

  140. Kate*

    I used to work (in finance) in an organisation which had ‘Psychiatry’ in the name.

    The 8 page illegible rants in green ink came fairly regularly.

    One of them included a small amount of cash money, which I vacillated about before putting it in the collection box for the associated charity.

  141. DCGirl*

    The IT manager at my last job was, um, a little intense and very-security focused. As part of the organization’s security posture, he had configured every computer in every office so that we could not save work on our hard drives. It all had to be saved, via Citrix, to the company’s many server, which was located at our headquarters in Dahlgren, VA, a small town set in the woods along the Potomac and prone to epic power outages due to falling tree branches during during summer thunderstorm season. We literally could not use our computers to work on files on the server — hundreds of miles away — when the power went out down there. Because all our documents (I’m a proposal manager) were stored on the server there, it could take 45 minutes for 20 copies of a proposal to spool to our printers on production day. We’d hit “Print” then go out and pick up lunch, hoping that the job would be starting upon our returns. We watched the weather in Dahlgren on production day with an intensity normally reserved for the NCAA finals. We were all assigned laptops, but they were useless outside of the office because we couldn’t save our work to them. He resisted all requests to soften his security posture to make our jobs easier.

    To ensure that no one was misusing company computers, Larry would use software normally used to remote into people’s computers to diagnose service issues to just randomly check up on what we were doing. You’d be working on a proposal and suddenly your document would freeze while Larry checked on you. Most people goof off at work by surfing the web; we used to say that Larry did it by surfing his co-workers. Suffice it to say — Larry was loathed by many, if not most of, his co-workers.

    The day came when the CEO who’d hired Larry left the company and tolerated his behavior. He was succeed by a vice president who’d tangled with Larry many times on his policies, and her first directive was for Larry to activate our hard drives, put servers in every office location, and stop spending his time checking in on everyone else’s work.

    His response was a flaming email to everyone in the company about how we were all ungrateful, godless heathens (I wish I’d saved it) who didn’t appreciate his dedication to keeping the company safe from hackers. He also announced that he was quitting, effective that instant, to go where he would be appreciated for the dedicated worker that he was — working as a missionary among the yet-to-be-converted “natives” (his words, not mine) in the Congo. Then he walked out.

    About 10 days later, as a new IT contractor was working to unravel the mess that Larry had left, the power went out — briefly — in our office. From over the cube walls, I heard a co-worker call out, “It’s a miracle. It’s what every native in the Congo has been praying for.”

    1. DCGirl*

      That’s “main server” not “many server” and “The day came when the CEO who’d hired Larry and tolerated his behavior left the company.” Sorry about that.

    2. Lillian McGee*

      So many of these involve the ranter calling the recipients “godless heathens”…!!?? I love this thread.

    3. catsAreCool*

      “We watched the weather in Dahlgren on production day with an intensity normally reserved for the NCAA finals.” Great way to put it!

  142. Lily Eavns*

    An all-campus email where someone planning an event went into TMI territory describing his recent trouble with kidney stones… and he related it back to the event somehow. I don’t remember the exact details but it was something about resilience and pushing through pain. I’d never met him before and it was so awkward. Who wants that to be someone’s first impression of them?

  143. Navy Vet*

    I just thought of another one – This isn’t an office rant, but a good Computer related hilarious thing.

    At old job they had gone through 15 front desk/admin folks in a year and a half. After one of these unfortunate souls was let go, the next admin to sit at that computer kept getting calendar and task pop ups every 30-60 minutes saying things like “Just breathe” “It will be ok” “Don’t Panic” (Not in friendly red letters in case you were wondering) etc.

    The admin who had been let go was so stressed out she felt she had to do this to make it through the day.

    The best or worse part, depending on your perspective, was the new admin had no idea how to make the Outlook calenderer task notifications stop. Which was a sign she wasn’t long for the front desk. (For the record she was gone in 3 weeks)

    1. Marina*

      That was kind of sad until I got to the last paragraph, then I busted up laughing. For some reason I just love the mental image of this poor admin sitting there going, “OMG IT’S TELLING ME NOT TO PANIC AGAIN HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP”

      1. I'm a Little Teapot*

        Eh, I once was an admin at a place where the previous admin had lasted a month and the one before her three months. I lasted…a week and a half, before I was fired for being unable to intuit what the owner wanted without him telling me. (Also, he didn’t like the way I walked. Seriously.)

        Some people are just that insanely picky about admins.

  144. Thyri*

    I used to work at a chain coffee shop (not Starbucks or DD). I wasn’t there for this, but once a disgruntled customer didn’t like the way her coffee was made, so instead of asking the barista to remake it, the woman THREW it at the barista.

    2. Helen*

      I have heard of that happening before too.

      I used to work at a fast food restaurant and a coworker had a cup of coffee thrown at her through the Drive-Thru.

      The only thing thrown at me through the Drive-Thru was an egg. It didn’t break so I threw it back at them as they were driving away. It missed. Mind you, this was on the overnight shift.

  145. Jady*

    This was over 5 years ago so I don’t remember the exact details. The basic story was a sales-person and a product manager were arguing via email. The sales person asked the manager (in a professional but clearly intended nasty way) something regarding the quality of our product and pricing. The manager’s response was akin to ‘We’re cheaper because we lie about our consultants skillsets/experience to our customers and underpay all of them.’

    The manager (I assume!!!) didn’t realize that he hit “reply all” and the sales person had made his question an office wide email. The office where the consultants all worked. I was one of those consultants!

    As a side note, I later learned personally both things the manager said were completely 100% true. My salary has more than doubled since I worked there. And I was asked to lie more than once on something similar to a resume we provided customers when they were contracting to our teams. I also heard of people finding out their resumes had been rewritten without their knowledge.

    Both the manager and sales person were fired, I heard.

  146. Erica B*

    a brief back ground: I’m an active member of my kids’ parent groups.. as in I have run them for many years. This past year (this year I’m not running this group) I sent this rant out to the group after being told our fb group would no longer be used. I was full on PMS hormonal, my kids and husband were acting like trolls that night mode. It took one little comment to put me over the edge. This is totally cringe-worthy and b/c I’m the author- whatever- I’m okay to post it:
    ———————————————————–

    here’s my short response:

    I think deleting the FB group isn’t the best idea. I think the FB group, page, and email list should all be used by folks how they wish, with that all emails should also be posted in the FB group.

    If you’d like to read my really long winded way to say that you can read my message below. It’s rambley and goes into why each thing was created, and their pros and cons- because for some reason I feel like folks (besides me) should know this information. Plus my personal note at the bottom.

    ———————————–

    Many moons ago (way back in 2009) I created the email group. In 2012 I created the Facebook Page, in 2014 I created the group, and that same year the Twitter account (but didn’t really use it)- sometime in the last few years I created and set up the webpage (I don’t recall exactly when). Each was a step towards reaching as many folk as possible by ways most convenient ways, after receiving feedback and following trends/technology. None are perfect, none are best.

    I created the email group as a simple way to easily communicate with the group. Since its creation I have been managing it (mostly by myself). I think this it’s a key piece to communicating quickly. However, most folks don’t respond to messages, nor initiate conversations aside from an officer. No matter how much you explain to folks how to send an email to the group- most never do. And the few times a good conversation has happened I have received emails from MANY folks that “there are too many emails” and wish to be removed. (generally though I explain that there are different email settings, and offer to change them before removing them from the group). One other thing that has been tricky to figure out are the email spam controls for different email companies. i.e. nearly all yahoo and verizon email accounts automatically go to spam, or are deleted at the server level and are never seen. People are confused about leaving the group- there is a link at the bottom of all the emails, but no one seems to use it.
    In terms of fairness- all emails are created equal. All emails are able to be seen- provided they make it into the inbox-, and generally speaking anyone can join the conversation provided they are a member of the group.

    After a while- folks were requesting to be on FB because they don’t really use email. They have it, but either don’t use it, get too many and/or, or forget or whatever-the-excuse-of-the-day was. So I created the page and would post messages in email AND on the page. Not long after I created the page, I realized I wasn’t getting the reach I was hoping for- but most importantly it wasn’t designed to create and facilitate conversations, and was only “ok” at announcements when facebook changed their algorithms. We didn’t have enough “social interaction” on posts so the posts that I made, and I refused to pay to boost posts- were seen by only a few people. In term of fairness- Posts not created equal. Only the posts made by the page are on the main timeline, and get into *some* of the page followers feeds. When non-admins post to the page they are in a tiny feedbox off to the side, and have to be seeked out to see what is said. Often posts can go unanswered, and get buried quickly. When we have lots of interaction (which has been exclusive to within the last year and mostly for birthday and playground related posts) page posts are more visible, and getting notifications from a page (generally speaking) consistently are more than a pain in the butt frustrating. When interactions go down, so does the page visibility… and it’s a good deal of work to make sure you always have posts coming out to be visible. Meets the need of FB only members. Not able to be made a “favorite” in the FB sidebar unless you’re an admin.

    So I created a closed group to use in lieu of the FB page. I left the page there, but essentially stopped using it after a few months of posting in email AND the page AND the group. If people wanted to use it, they could, but it wasn’t encouraged… and it wasn’t really used by anyone. The group is nice because when a post is made it is visible in the timeline of all the members of the group, providing they happen to see it that particular moment. In terms of fairness, all posts are created equal- equally weighted between admins and non-admins and I think this is very important. All posts are in the main feed for the group, so they can be found easily. Meets the need for FB only members. If you are in the group, you can make it “favorite” in your FB side bar and it will show you notifications of posts (which I feel like is underutilized feature by many people in general-not just our group). Visibility of posts is limited to members of the group only, unless it is made open- but then your friends see your posts to the group in their feeds even if they aren’t in the group, and I don’t like that. It’s creepy.

    And then the FB page “came back” when we tied it to the webpage and the twitter account, so whenever we posted to the webpage it would say it on the FB page. and When we tweeted, it would go to the the page. It was easy and we didn’t have to make any effort.

    I created the page, the group, the webpage- all to supplement the email group. None of the FB stuff was ever designed to replace the email group. I would always post messages to the page and/or group as well, and I would get more interaction in FB group than on email.

    I didn’t even mention the webpage, or the voicemail (which no one ever listened to, but I wanted to meet the needs of those without internet)-sheesh, but you get the idea. I set up the internet presence for this group. Like I said none of these methods are the best, but they do all supplement each other very well each playing it’s own role in communicating and meeting the needs of our community.

    Personally? I like having the FB group. I like that all the posts are created equal, and that anyone can post and have it be seen, and interacted with as it needs be without filling up people’s email. Email is still important, but gets to be cumbersome for people when there are highly active conversations, and that’s a fact. I manage several email and FB groups. and have similar experiences across the board. If folks *really* want to not use the group, then we can let it sit there unused. I’d hate for it to get the axe, just to find out in a few months that you want to start it back up.

  147. Anon for now*

    I work in a legal field. We handle cases for people who have been injured by medical products or drugs. Some of my favorite rants come from those plaintiffs who were prescribed anti-psychotics. In particular, there is one very public, Google-able, rant by a gentleman who turned down his settlement of thousands because he’d “prefer” $4-5 million, and ended by accusing his attorneys and law enforcement of racketeering, organized crime, kidnapping, and systematic theft (of the money he declined). He also wrote to Barack Obama for assistance and renounced his statesmanship (state citizenship).

    Another anti-psychotic allegedly caused breast tissue growth and even lactation in some men. Hearing stories about their dating lives was pretty traumatic.

    Another plaintiff swore up and down he was an adviser to every president since JFK, and threatened to call in favors if his case took any longer to resolve. We had his demographic information on file. He was in elementary school when JFK was president.

    And so on…

  148. April*

    I am in HR so occasionally I will get a candidate who does not receive an offer and feels like the best course of action is to rip me a new one over voice mail or e-mail (even though I have no say in who the hiring managers chooses to hire). I get a lot of “you”ll regret your decision” and “you made a big mistake’ e-mails, but the craziest one that I got was from a high level management candidate who was passed over for a position for another candidate who the hiring manager felt would be a better fit… it was pretty far along in the process so the candidate was pretty disappointed to get the news, but appeared to take it well…. well apparently that evening he changed his mind about taking it well and I received the following e-mail rant pasted in all of it’s glory “i just wanted to tell u that I am glad that didt get job your company sucks really doged a bullit there hunh would never want to work for yor company who dont recognized talent u have no talent yourself and should probably go get job at Walmart u don’t know yor a$$ from third base *not even sure what that means* u will regret passing me for this socalled more qualified person if he even is real i am sure wodnt want towork with steve everyday so ugly n fat id puke bob guy is a moron company is plenty of moroms” – I left everything exactly the same but deleted the F bombs. I am guessing he had a few drinks that evening and that all of a sudden this seemed like a great idea…. plus he sent it from his e-mail address at his current employer! The best part is a few months later he sent me a LinkedIn invite. Seriously…

    2. I'm a Little Teapot*

      At first I was surprised this was a candidate for a high-level manager position, but then I remembered some of the bizarre executive rants posted elsewhere on this page and was less surprised. Some people really do fail up.

    4. thefancybeast*

      I thiiiiink he’s saying that you don’t know your pooper from your genitals? “Third base” commonly being used as a euphemism for intercourse? But WOW. What an email!

  149. Business Cat*

    Crap, I didn’t edit out all the names I wanted to. Is there any way to delete my comment and resubmit?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I deleted it. (For future reference, you can do what fposte did to draw my attention to it — submitted a post with a link in it — which sends it to moderation — and a message about the need to delete the comment it was in reply to. Thank you, fposte!)

  150. HRish Dude*

    Once received a company-wide email about a systems issue that closed with the line, “Sorry for the incontinence”.

    2. thefancybeast*

      oh my god. That could have been my dad. He’s sent out emails to clients with that “typo” (-cough- autocorrect of his terrible spelling) before! Mom and I will NEVER let him live it down. :)

  151. Nervous Accountant*

    OMG. OK I dont’ know if this counts as a rant, because it was external but very recently, someone in another location was let go. Rumors were that they had emailed all of their clients complaining about the working conditions of the company (low pay, overloaded overworked , internal politics) and gave their own personal contact info, and were let go. Hearing about it is shocking enough, but then I saw the actual email and…WOW. I wish I could post it here but…I was in shock the whole day just seeing it.

  152. Beezus*

    A few years ago, I took over our Asian supply chain from a buyer who was not giving it up voluntarily and who was really unhappy about his job changing. His new role was handling the same materials, but just the moves within the US (which he saw as a demotion…it really wasn’t, but the work was less challenging).

    Shortly after that happened, there was a HUGE problem with one of the suppliers that I was handling. I was scrambling to get parts from the supplier to hand off to my disgruntled colleague, and reporting daily on what the supplier was able to get done, and forecasting what they’d be able to do in the coming days and what that meant for us. The supplier had a pattern of being overly optimistic in their updates to me. My company doesn’t handle disappointment very well, so I was sanitizing the supplier’s information before passing it along, by modifying expected ship quantities and expected ship dates. If they said they could ship “as many as 500 pcs, as early as Monday”, I was translating to “at least 400 pcs, no later than Wednesday.” I was also getting information on flight schedules from China and arranging for airport pickups, and including conservative timelines for those things in my updates.

    After a couple of weeks of this, I got a rant from him after hours, with my boss and his copied…the memorable line was, “I don’t know if you’re a liar or you’re just incompetent, but your numbers make absolutely no sense.” Turns out he was reaching out to the supplier behind my back and getting the updates they were sending me, and trying to reconcile their numbers with that I was reporting. He was also talking to our air freight company and the logistics company I was working with and getting separate updates from them behind my back, and trying to audit my entire timeline.

    He was trying to make a case to management that I needed to be taken off the job so he could be reinstated. He sent them critiques of my work regularly. In my place, he would have sent the wildly optimistic updates and then blamed the supplier when things didn’t quite happen that way, and meanwhile everything that was planned based on his updates would have to be replanned ad nauseum. If I had done that, he would have placed the blame squarely on me, so there was no making him happy.

    The best part was, I had worked around him for years, so I knew his temper and his buttons. I sent a response immediately, while he was still worked up. I dismissed the gap with a brief explanation. I expressed puzzlement over how and why he’d worked around me to get numbers. I stayed calm and undefensive. Aaaand I pointed out, mildly, an error in his logic that he made because his information about our process was not current (because he didn’t need to be kept up to speed, because my job was no longer his job). He lost his mind, like I knew he would, and sent another blistering rant, still with both of our bosses copied. It was beautiful, and it made putting up with his crap worthwhile. (He was even worse on the phone – none of us would take his calls. The most professional coworker I’ve ever had actually hung up on him once. He was finally managed out a few months after the email episode.)

  153. WhichSister*

    Honestly, I am surprised I haven’t seen one posted that I have written. When my oldest was a baby, the local KMART lost about 6 months worth of pictures I had developed there and I wrote a doozy, Amazingly, the pictures were found within 24 hours. There is also the letter I wrote to my daughter’s 7th grade language arts teacher who announced in front of the class that Halloween was Satanic.

  154. Betty (the other Betty)*

    Our very quiet and polite mail room assistant sent out an email about “f—ing Joe.” She accidentally sent it to the entire office.

  155. AndersonDarling*

    At Old Job, an employee was resigning and sent a nice email to the company and her contacts. Included in her email list were some past employees. One of the past employees hit Reply All and then went into a rant:
    “Why are you leaving? It it that B***h assistant of yours!? She is a piece of work! Do you remember when she . . .” and it went on and on and on with lots of cursing and unsavory comments.
    The assistant in question received the email along with the whole company and a good handful of clients.

  156. Searching*

    When I was a college student I got an email from the development office to sign up to go to a scholarship brunch on a Saturday morning that was several months away. I signed up and put it on my calendar then never heard anything else about it. Unfortunately, when the day came I did not remember to go. I then got a very nasty email from a person in the office about how students needed to honor their commitments and how it looked bad for the school that I didn’t come. I was pretty taken aback- yes, it was entirely my fault that it had slipped my mind but it was also honestly not on my normal radar with all my other student commitments. I sent an email back apologizing, because it was never my intent to make the development staff’s life harder or make an event not succeed, but also asking if I had missed any reminder emails? (A close relative works in a similar job- getting students to come to events for the benefit of the school- and sends reminder after reminder). The person replied that they had been told that students did not check their student email accounts/ ignored emails from the college, so didn’t send a reminder that way. Which was very odd. I had originally signed up via email and I checked it daily, as did everyone I knew. And if that were a concern there were other avenues for reminders- like my student mailbox, calls… Or multiple avenues. Weird.

  157. cleo*

    Once we had an IT guy give notice on Facebook. I was not FB friends with him, so I missed his post / rant where he went off about the department and declared that Friday was his last day (without bothering to give notice to his boss or HR) but I sure heard the rumors. It was at a small college – he was a former student and in charge of the computer labs for one department and was FB friends with a lot of the students. And he followed through with his rant – he quit on the day he said he would, without notice.

  159. Muriel Heslop*

    Workplace rant topics from the month of April:
    She stole my boyfriend so I punched her! I had to!
    My dad is sleeping with his nurse! I hate them both!
    My mom took my phone! I hate her!
    This school sucks! No one should ever have to learn MATH! It’s so STUPID!
    The cafeteria food is POISON! If I die, tell the police the cafeteria lady did it!

    I currently work in a middle school. I am treated to workplace rants almost daily. The ones above are just the kids; the parent rants are much less entertaining and trend along the lines of, “My child would NEVER…”

    I did once receive a 1:30 am time-stamped email from newly-divorced dad (whom I assumed was really drunk) trying to find out if I was single. When I didn’t respond within 10 minutes, he sent a really mean, condescending email that he would never date a “nerdy loser” like a teacher. “Nerdy losers” really took off among my friends and colleagues after I forwarded the email.

  160. GertietheDino*

    Many years ago, I once got someone’s very sexual based VM by mistake. It was all about how he (the intended recipient, I’m a woman) was very naughty and needed a spanking! It went on and on. I couldn’t listen to the whole thing, it was too embarrassing.

  161. Anon for This One*

    Teachers,

    Due to the lack of use of our teacher lounge, ISS [In School Suspension] will be housed in the [Teacher’s] lounge. This will make ISS less accessible for interuption. Utimately, we want kids to be detered from going to going to ISS. If you have any objections, please email me back and I will take all suggestions into consideration.

    [Principal’s Name Removed]

  162. Bend & Snap*

    We had a horrible intern (daughter of a client) who sent out a beautiful CAPITALIZED RANT in HUGE PINK FONT about HOW HORRIBLE IT SMELLS WHEN PEOPLE MICROWAVE FISH and THINK OF OTHER PEOPLE AND DO NOT MICROWAVE YOUR STINKY LUNCH.

    We laughed about it for months.

  163. Joan Callamezzo*

    I was a hiring manager for many years. Once, in response to an application where the candidate did not meet our minimum hiring requirements by any stretch of the imagination, I asked my assistant to send our standard polite form rejection letter.

    The applicant responded to this by sending a *16-page* rebuttal (in 12-point Comic Sans) which began, “To truly understand the passion that I hold for my chosen profession and the reason I have written to you, we must first examine my past to see what makes me tick.” (Must we?) He then proceeded to Examine His Past for about a dozen pages before attempting to fold all the Lessons He’d Learned into a proposal that we should create a new, entirely different position, one which he DID happen to be qualified for.

    He finished, “My goal was not to change your mind but to share my perspective.”

    Alrighty then. Thanks for sharing! All 16 pages of it.

  164. Solidus Pilcrow*

    My favorite “Reply All” debacle…

    Let me set the background for this. It was 2001, and the email program we used only had the Reply button on the toolbar. To get to the Reply All function, you had to go through at least 2 levels of menus. So, you couldn’t hit Reply All by mistake, it had to be a very deliberate action.

    One day, the IT department sends out a mass email to everyone asking us if we had particular software installed and if you weren’t using it, let IT know so they could uninstall it and re-use the license elsewhere. The email ended with a note to NOT use Reply All when responding to the email.

    Well, wouldn’t you know it, we start getting huge amounts of Reply All emails. Then the people using Reply All to tell others NOT to use Reply All. It brought the exchange server to its knees until IT finally killed the email. I always wondered if mentioning Reply All actually caused the whole mess because it wasn’t something easy to do for most users.

  165. lowercase holly*

    i can’t think of any written or VM, but the best i’ve heard happen was at a law firm. the assistant (she) for one of the partners (a difficult man, but they got along really well) finally lost it at him one day. she was marching up and down the aisles of our semi-open floor plan just completely going off. her shouting lasted at least a full 10 minutes. i sat really far away so i’m not sure what he did that was the last straw (there are so many possibilities), but she was hilarious. she was not fired (because he probably deserved it and knew it). as far as i know, there were no repercussions (same reason) and that was that.

  166. Manders*

    My boyfriend worked at a famous (and famously dysfunctional) video game company. The product testers had particularly lousy jobs, with long hours and low pay. Boyfriend was in the product testing division but not a tester himself, so he witnessed a few spectacular ragequits. His favorite was someone who sent a company-wide email detailing his plans to quit and start a band, complete with a link to his Kickstarter page.

    He sent me the link. My taste in music may be unsophisticated, but personally I think this guy should have stuck with his day job.

  167. Rants on Anon!*

    Ooh, I have two great ones.

    I worked as a commercial property manager. We had one tenant who had been in arrears for many years. We had worked with her and worked with her, offered payment plans, even offered to allow her to break her lease penalty-free (which is very unusual in commercial real estate). Finally, I had to deliver a notice that if she didn’t pay her delinquent amount, we’d have to begin eviction proceedings.

    I can’t recount her entire rant from memory, but among other things, she called me a ‘godless heathen’. I’ve never actually heard anyone use that term in real life before!

    Another one happened last night. A customer called in upset because she thought a movie she ordered had started halfway through. She ordered Mockingjay: Part 2 instead of Part 1 by mistake. Okay, no big deal, I would normally help the customer order the right movie instead and put a note on the account so the incorrect movie can be adjusted off.

    However, she kept screaming at me, getting increasingly agitated and cutting me off every time I tried to give her a direction about what to do.

    Finally, she just started screaming over and over “WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I DO?! WHY WON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO?!” And then hung up.

    Customer service, man…

  168. Lady Kelvin*

    So A bit of background before I post this rant email that I sent at the beginning of the year. 1. I’m a PhD student and in my program we are required to give a public seminar every year to the department. The dates are relatively consistent year to year and every spring we receive the following year’s schedule so that we can make requests to adjust it as needed before it is finalized for the Fall. Once the fall semester begins, if we need to change the schedule we need to contact the people with whom we want to switch with personally. 2. Last August I moved a thousand miles away from school because Lord Kelvin had a real job and we had been long distance for three years while I was working on my degree. Since my phd advisor had recently taken on a new role which required him to be out of the country approximately 6 months of the year, and notoriously bad about responding to his students, I was able to move away with the support of my committee and the program coordinator. The spring before I left, I checked with my advisor to clarify his schedule for the following year (the nature of the position was that we knew all the dates he would be gone in November for the next year) and chose a date which historically he never needs to travel. I schedule the date almost a year in advance, put it on my advisor’s calendar, and move in with my husband. Two weeks before my scheduled seminar, I received an email from him letting me know he was going to be travelling during my seminar asking if I could switch to one of 4 other dates which are the only days he will be in town this semester. 2 of those dates were too soon for me to rearrange my travel so I sent the following email to the four people with whom it would be possible to switch dates with.

    As you may or may not know, my PhD advisor is [advisor] and he is very good at leaving his students hanging/making them look irresponsible by perpetually dropping the ball and not telling anyone until its too late. As such, he has informed me this afternoon that he is not going to be in town for my seminar in 2 weeks on January 22. Please understand that I asked [program coordinator] specifically to schedule me on this day because in general, January is the only month of the year that [advisor] does not travel for [organization] meetings. Unfortunately that is not the case this year. As such he has asked if can switch my seminar date with someone else on the four Fridays that he will be in town this semester. Unfortunately, two of those Fridays are not weeks that I am able to fly to [city], so that leaves March 4 or April 15 as the only options if I can switch dates. I completely understand that it is ridiculous to ask someone to give their seminar in two weeks time when they should have several months of prep time, so I have no expectations that any of you will offer to switch with me. However, if you should happen to be comfortable pulling together your seminar last minute and would like to get it over with at the beginning of the semester instead of at the end, I would be happy to switch with you. I will be in [city] regardless that week, and [advisor] is rarely at our student seminars anyways, so I will in no way be inconvenienced if you say no. However [advisor] asked me to find out if anyone would be willing to switch, and I cannot tell him no one will switch unless I’ve asked. If I do not hear from you by Thursday at 5pm, I will assume its a no and plan accordingly.

    Thanks a bunch!

    p.s. Sorry for the long email, I probably should not have written it while still angry with [advisor]. I’m sure you understand.

    For what it is worth, my advisor has been to all of one of my four seminars, and in the last 2 years I think he has made it to one of his students seminars once. And yes, throughout the entire department his is known for being absent and unreliable. That being said, I work well with him and really like him, I just wish I didn’t have to call his cell phone (or his wife!) in order for him to acknowledge that I need his help with something. I should be defending in two months, so let’s hope he shows up for that. Also, I am friends with/know well the people I sent the email too, and they all responded no as I expected, and with sympathy about dealing with my advisor.

    1. AnonAcademic*

      I’m a recent Ph.D. and certainly appreciate a good vent session about academic dysfunction, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t caution you about creating a permanent record of it in email. For better or worse, your advisor is going to be your primary recommender for the foreseeable future and can make or break your defense, and there is a risk that they could be forwarded the email. I’m aware of one advisor who had students use an email server he administered, which gave him full access to ALL their email guided by keyword alerts when anyone mentioned his name! I like the rule that “if you wouldn’t’ want it on a billboard or the front page news, don’t put it in writing.”

      1. Lady Kelvin*

        I’ve been academics long enough to know that’s certainly a possibility, but the emails wasn’t through a university server, my advisor can’t even be bothered to read emails sent to him, let alone set up an email server for himself (which we aren’t allowed to do, per university rules) and nothing I said in the email I haven’t said to his face, albeit in slightly nicer language. Every time he pulls something like this he tells me he is so grateful for my patience with him.

  169. The Alias Gloria Has Been Living Under. A.A., B.S.*

    I have a friend who used to work at the corporate HQ of a national retailer. One day the CEO (or some other higher up) saw someone in the parking lot with a shopping bag of a competitor. He lost his shit and sent a company wide email about it. And try as I might, I can’t find if the email was ever leaked online. Very disappointing. She doesn’t work there any more for a number of reasons, unsurprisingly.

    1. Artemesia*

      Reminds me of the time I used a reusable shopping bag for Store A while shopping at Store B. We just grab a few bags when we head for the store and we have an assortment. The check out clerk made a series of snotty comments about how rude it was for us to be using those bags. I was tempted to walk off and leave $100 worth of groceries on her station for her to deal with returning to shelves — but time was short, I wanted the groceries and we usually walk to the store but this time we had driven because we had a heavy load so I just looked at her gave a sarcastic ‘really?’

  170. Person of Interest*

    When I was in high school I worked in a retail store at the mall one summer. An elderly gentleman came in, looked around a bit, and then asked me of the products we sold were made in America. I told him I didn’t know. He then proceeded to give me a long lecture on how nothing is made in America anymore, how we’re destroying the American economy, etc… (this was in the early ’90s). Finally his wife told him to leave me alone and dragged him out of there. I imagine this was a pretty familiar scene for her!

  171. Pwyll*

    I am horrified to this day to admit I was the one who sent a terrible rant.

    I was working for a tiny firm of 3 employees with a boss who rarely came in or really did much of anything. So, it all basically fell on my 19 year old shoulders to run the business. One particularly long and stressful day where I had made the decision to go without pay so we could afford to pay our other employee (a single mom), I got a phone call from my boss yelling at me for screwing up a huge direct mail campaign. I panicked, but decided that it was the printer’s fault. So I called and left a 10 PM voicemail rant, yelling that I had never dealt with anyone so unprofessional in my life, that I had worked with the printer’s old CEO and this NEVER would have happened under his watch, so the new owners must all be incompetent, blah blah blah. I went on so long that the voicemail system hung up on me. Then, for good measure, I sent an e-mail along the same lines.

    About an hour later I calmed down and realized that there hadn’t even been an error: my boss misread the documents, and I was so flustered at the time that I just took her word for it. The mailing was correct, it would arrive at the right time, everything was perfect. So, I called back and left another voicemail apologizing. And sent another e-mail apologizing.

    I received a bemused call the next morning from the owner of the printer who basically told me not to worry about it. I sent her a flower arrangement with a note apologizing for my unprofessional behavior, and that I was truly horrified, and that we were very pleased with the printing. The next day my boss screamed at me again and I gave notice on the spot. I’ll never forget that feeling, though.

  172. Bowserkitty*

    BUT I HAVE WORK TO DO TODAY

    oh man I can’t wait to read all of these. I’ve never experienced anything like this. ;(

  173. Steve*

    I used to work at a huge employer, something around 50k or so at the time (larger now). A departing employee decided he couldn’t in good conscience leave the company without making sure all us employees knew about the evils of the meat industry. His multi-page vegetarianism manifesto took down the email servers company wide. Only about 10k of us were lucky enough to get it before the IT department stopped the propagation and deleted it.

  174. Rit*

    I think I WAS this coworker, long ago. Granted it was a printed and posted message instead of email, but still….

    Background: I was seven months pregnant, doing 4x10s in a call center, no car for driving somewhere at lunch, no cafeteria options, no walking distance cheap eats, and no budget for eating out in the first place. I brought 2 granola bars and a frozen dinner for food every day and that was it. Then someone started eating my lunch. Every day. Tried to hide it in a bag in the back, post it notes, you name it. About two weeks in I posted (paraphrased) this note on the freezer door:

    “To whom it may concern,

    I’ve noticed someone has been eating the Marie Callendar frozen dinners that appear in the break room freezer Monday through Thursdays each week. You may not have noticed the name and notes on the meal, which is understandable! Maybe you were in a hurry, maybe you opened the box without ever looking at all sides. Perhaps you are remembering a frozen meal you brought in the past, and obviously just forgot to eat that day.

    The intent, however, was that these meals are being brought and stored for my (the comically obviously pregnant woman on team XYZ) own consumption during that day.

    With that all cleared up, my unborn child and I hope you enjoyed them up to this point, they really are delicious and very filling, aren’t they?

    Signed,
    Rit”

    ….it worked, though. No more stolen lunches the whole time I was there!

  175. Lights On*

    One of my coworkers, Bob, writes the longest emails I’ve ever seen. You can usually tell the importance of them by the number of paragraphs. One paragraph? Delete immediately, no action necessary. Three or more? Probably worth skimming. 10+ paragraphs? Might be serious.

    One time Bob sent out a four paragraph email accusing someone of not turning off the lobby lights at the end of the day. Instead of a quick line to remind people to turn off the lights, Bob went on and on for four very long paragraphs. And Bob sent it to the entire company, all floors of the headquarters and all four satellite locations. As funny as Bob’s email was, the reply-all’s were even better. Especially when an out-of-state employee jokingly took responsibility and apologized profusely.

  177. Anon4Today*

    Not from my company, but from one of our biggest vendors. I wish I still had the original copy.

    The vendor was privately owned by this family. One of the C-Levels was having an affair with someone in mid-management who had been working there for a long time. She sent an email to all of her professional contacts letting us know that she was leaving the company because of said affair and that her personal relationship with C-Level is now severed. AND, to top it off, she ended the note with asking for recommendations/job leads (both are equally responsible for the affair, but what an inappropriate place to ask for leads!)

    We couldn’t believe it. I had it saved, but I am no longer at that job.

  178. GG*

    Ages ago at an old job we got a letter from a customer that amused/annoyed me enough that, to vent my frustration, I composed an anonymized synopsis to share with my friends.
    ————————-
    Dear GG’s Place of Employment,

    Enclosed is a check for the money I owe you. But rather than just send the check, I’m also including this letter to let you know how pissy and stupid I am. I still can’t figure out how you applied my retainer, even though it was indicated very clearly on your last invoice. Nor can I figure out why you held onto it for so long, even though the terms of your contract specifically state that retainers are held until the final invoice. I’m annoyed you applied finance charges to my account, even though it took me almost three months to pay you anything, and even though your finance charge terms are also clearly spelled out in the contract I signed. I don’t think it’s fair for you to use a different approach to retainers than I do, as I’m too simple-minded to grasp a different system.

    I would like to request a final statement of my account, showing all invoices and payments, even though you already sent me one, and in fact I included a copy of it with this letter. You probably also want to include copies of all invoices you’ve sent me to date, as I’ve obviously not looked at or kept any of them.

    I think it is unfair of you to have not addressed any of my questions or concerns before now, even though I never told you I had any.

    Sincerely,
    Stupid Client

  179. Jen RO*

    Someone in my company resigned a few years ago through a multiple-paragraph email sent to all 300 of us, explaining that he felt excluded and not supported by his coworkers and didn’t feel welcome at work anymore because they would not set the air conditioning to his comfort level. It was equal parts funny and sad – I am sure he had some personal issues, and his coworkers probably weren’t the nicest people in the world… but the A/C stuff was just over the top. He got rehired about a year afterwards and still works there to this day… and he is still known as “that guy”.

  180. Djuna*

    I’ve had some doozies, face-to-face in retail, and over the phone in countless tech support jobs.
    One of the worst was a call that was escalated to me and started with the caller telling me “DO NOT SPEAK!” at full volume (I was wearing a headset, this was to be a rather painful call). I acquiesced to not speaking and was treated to a fulsome and expletive-laden commentary on the ineptitude of everyone from my company he had ever dealt with.

    I kid you not, there was a full 20 minutes of it. I turned my volume down and half-listened (with my mic on mute) while reading through his case history (and silently bidding farewell to my AHT for the day). When he tired himself out and told me I could speak now, I asked him a couple extra questions and discovered he did actually have a valid problem, and though I couldn’t fix it for him I could take his case to people who could.

    He didn’t want to shift out of rant mode, and snarkily told me that he had no faith in me following through. I shrugged that off. (Yeah, am girl, know nothing about technological things, yes sir, of *course*.)

    A week later, he’s ringing in repeatedly and no-one can figure out why, since he was hanging up as soon as he heard the name of the support person. Dude was looking for me, to thank me. He ended up getting escalated again to say thanks in person and to apologize for blowing his top at me. That, in itself, was a minor miracle.

    I still wish I’d had the presence of mind to tell him I would have worked his case the same way minus the yelling, but that is how he became memorable for both the worst and the best of reasons.

  181. Semi-nonymous*

    I work for a very small company, and the big boss and the office manager are very neat and tidy people. The rest of us are kind of slob-ish, and are a bit clutter blind – and some of the long-timers and super sloppy and never clean up after themselves unless they are called out (some are older men who hold a “cleaning is women’s work” perspective, or think they are too senior to bother cleaning up, etc. Others are just kinda absent minded I think, and clutter-blind.) Apparently the state of the men’s room has been an ongoing issue for him (there are only 4-8 male employees here, its not a large group) but luckily that’s not something I have to deal with.

    Because we are a small office, we only have cleaners 1 day a week for a couple of hours, and we are supposed to straighten up after ourselves the rest of the time.

    We were in the middle of prepping for a stressful event, and one morning my boss came in and found the kitchen, bathrooms and conference rooms not to his cleanliness standards – and honestly, he was right, it wasn’t great – but it also has been far worse around here. It wasn’t up the previous rants high bar, but he sent an email at 6 am titled “NON-NEGOTIABLE POLICY” that was 7 paragraphs long, included 3 pictures, and a note that we were lucky he stopped short of taking pictures in the men’s room.

    Select snippets from the rant:
    “[Office manager] and I are NOT your maids. You can live how you want to in your own homes but here this is the way it will be.”
    “I am not a neat freak by any stretch of the imagination, but this company needs to look tidy and professional at all times” I beg to differ, he’s pretty close to my definition of neat freak
    “If you splatter in the microwave, wipe it up. If you use the toilet and leave a mess on the seat, clean it. I have spared you the pictures I have taken of the bathrooms. It is disgusting. I have left Lysol and rubber gloves in the bathrooms for months so there is really no excuse. Nobody likes to sit on a toilet that has someone else’s droppings on it. Sorry to be crude but it is the truth. If the bathroom trash is overflowing, take it out. Pick up towels that miss the trash can.”

    And lesson learned, one of the things that set him off that he took pictures of was 2 (clean!) bowls and plates that were drying in the dish drainer next to the sink – because I had bothered to wash the crusty things that were rotting in the sink the night before after staying late, and left them to dry overnight in the dish drainer. I’m not quite sure why we have a dish drainer, if he doesn’t want us to use it – but I’ve stopped since it isn’t the first time he’s pointed it out any time there is more than one item there for more than 15 minutes.

  182. Queen Anne of Cleves*

    Not work related but still fun:
    I received a text from a wrong number for what was obviously a booty call at 2am. I didn’t see it until 7am the next morning. It basically said “hey, come over”. When I saw it at 7am the next morning I replied “Too late. I spent the night with someone else”.
    To this day I have no idea who sent the text and I never got a response.

  183. Amber Rose*

    I once had to call a guy because he re-wrote my legal document and his version was rejected, and had him literally ask if I knew who he was, because he was IMPORTANT and I should tell the government who rejected him that they didn’t know what they were talking about and they should shove it up their nose. Man, I didn’t even think people talked like that in real life. I referred him to my government contact instead of arguing.

    The next day I got a sullen “see revised” with my original document signed. :D

  184. JR*

    I got this voicemail as a wrong-number (I hope!) call. Audio is NSFW. Link in a followup comment.

      1. JR*

        Oh, this was a mandatory save-forever. And I also had to immediately share with colleagues. (The “safe for work” line here is a little more liberal than in many other places.) Good thing our voicemail system had an email interface so I could get the file.

  185. CiciO*

    My friend was the Director of IT Ops when one of his help desk staffers escalated to him a rather abusive ticket from an employee who was not getting an expected email from someone outside the office. My friend found the email in question caught in the firewall, due to the number of curse words in the message. The content of the email? The employee complaining to her friend outside the company about my friend the IT Director when he let her know that it was not appropriate to use company email to send an MLM pitch to the company-wide distribution list.

  186. Becky*

    “Oh I remember you now. It wasn’t my intention to invite you to my LinkedIn. You were such a tw** when I lived at Tolgas. The worst moment in my life in NY. Believe me, I do not want to know you. Be a grown up and just ignore LinkedIn invites. It wasn’t intentional. -E”

    Response to my request to be removed from E’s contacts for super naggy emails and invite reminders Linkedin was apparently sending to her whole list (I don’t have a Linkedin so can’t unsubscribe that way, or at least you didn’t used to be able to.)
    I have no idea who E is nor what Tolgas is, so she must be thinking of some other tw**

  187. Eva K*

    Not a rant, but the best mass work email I ever received was a farewell note with a THREE page FAQ attachment about what she was doing next. Her next role involved a move so it included things like what her husband would do, what schools her kids would be going to, how her kids/spouse/family felt about the move, Wikipedia-style information about the new state…. It was very sweet in tone but hilariously over the top. As a nosy person, I’ve often wished everyone who left my company did the exact same thing!

  188. Kay*

    Ooooh, I was reading these and then realized I had one of my own!

    I work at a small nonprofit. About two years ago, our much-beloved director of finances & operations left, and we hired someone new. New person was…well. Let’s just say I have never seen anyone alienate so many people, so quickly – internally, externally, random visitors to our org, you name it. She specialized in passive-aggressive rants told in third person – or more accurately, she wouldn’t use names, only titles. “The DFO will sign all contracts pending DFO review and adherence to proper procedures and in rare cases will seek corollary sign off from the ED [that’s a quote, I saved it]” and so on and so forth. It was all under the guise of trying to make our financial systems more accountable, but imagine the most bureaucratic, picky, obnoxious person with ZERO interpersonal skills you’ve ever met, and multiply it by ten, in her first month on the job.

    After five months, she resigned abruptly, with a one-line email, and then at 1am, sent another one that was an incoherent, third-person, possibly drunken rant. It accused us all of behaving unethically, refusing to provide adequate support to her work, called out the ED in particular for his supposed role in sending us all to hell in a handbasket, and very sanctimoniously declared that she never could have succeeded in the job, it was all OUR fault for being such horrible people. She copied our board of trustees on the email for good measure, and lobbed a few accusations at the ED that she knew would trigger an automatic third-party investigation. Oh, and then she ended the whole thing with a cheerful “I wish you all the best success in your work!” She quit with zero notice, too, used up her personal days for another week and never set foot in the office again.

    It. was. spectacular. Especially since the following week we learned that she had been doing literally NOTHING in her entire five months on the job, just emailing us to bitch us out and shuffling files from one file cabinet to another such that no one could find anything for weeks. The third-party investigation cost us time and money and angst and uncovered exactly zero wrongdoing.

  189. Loving this whole post right now*

    This isn’t from a coworker, but it is an email I received at work and related to my work.

    So at a previous job, it was suddenly decided that I’d be making field visits a few days a week. The problem was that the company car I was going to be using was a standard transmission and I’d never driven one. One of the cars belonging to my father and his wife* was a standard, so he offered to show me how to drive it. We went to a parking lot and then took a few trips around that neighborhood until I’d gotten the hang of it. Then he told me I should drive it to work the next day so I could get practice on the open road. I got to work with minimal problems and logged in to find an email from his wife. It was about six paragraphs long, but a few key phrases (without the usual errors included because I can’t bring myself to type that badly):

    “I need you to understand how utterly VIOLATED I am feeling right now…Everything is NOT shared equally in a marriage and you had NO RIGHT to take MY CAR just because your father is married to me…There is just such an utter lack of respect you have shown here that makes me very glad I am not your mother…You would not feel so ENTITLED to everything in this world if I had been the one to bring you up instead of [mother’s name].”

    Now, I get that it would be annoying to have someone share something of yours. I get that. But I had no way of knowing that that was “her” car. They’d been living together for six years before I even moved to their area and had gone through several cars. My father and I would meet for dinner every couple weeks and he drove that car frequently (or the blue one or the truck). She knew perfectly well that I wouldn’t know it was “her” car and also knew that my father had offered it. If she had a problem with my father loaning me the car, she needed to talk to him. Aside from which, the woman is one of the most narcissistic and entitled people I’ve ever met and so her personal attacks were just…grr.

    I took the high road and basically replied “OMG I’m so sorry this caused a rift between you guys. I’ll figure out another solution.” By that time I was somewhat confident about driving standard, so I went ahead and told them at work that I was ready. Ran into a few glitches in traffic but dealt with them like a boss. Maybe two days later she tells me I can come pick up the car if I need some more practice. *facepalm* No, thank you. I’ll walk.

    * Or so I thought.

  190. Anon for this*

    A few years ago, senior management decided to part ways with my department director. Her departure left us without a manager for nine months while they searched for a replacement. We were incredibly short staffed and people got away with some bad behavior during this time. One of my peers, Joffrey, got into it with a client and eventually told the client he could go [expletive deleted] himself. (What most of us would call a career limiting move….) This was immediately escalated to our company president who was traveling in China. Joffrey was removed from the account and it was given to Cersei who had to smooth over the relationship. They did not fire him, but he was demoted and many of his prestigious clients were taken away.

    Several weeks later, one of our support staff was really steamed about something. I never really knew what it was, but she was loudly cursing and complaining in the hallway for a good 20 minutes and it was overheard by pretty much everyone on the floor. It got back to the CEO, who called a meeting with the senior staff of the department, and asked us what we should do to fix our poor morale. Joffrey immediately started whining and complaining that he was still being made to do penance for the mistake he made with the client and that clearly, Cersei hated him for no good reason. Cersei then started yelling back that he never apologized to her for what happened with the client. (I never really understood why she thought she deserved an apology, but it was fascinating to watch this whole thing go down.) Our CEO somehow managed to defuse things and sent us away with orders to organize a team outing.

    Finally, they hired a new director. (Side note: Both Joffrey and Cersei applied for the director job.) Shortly after she started, Joffrey sent her a manifesto of the terms and conditions he required to continue working for the company. Among other things, he wanted prestigious clients again, his old title, and his own dedicated support team. (We all share support staff.) Right after he did that, it came to light that he had blown major deadlines on two clients. We took his manifesto at face value, declined to comply with his terms and conditions, and showed him the door.

  191. Bend & Snap*

    Not technically a rant but not that long ago…I’m in PR and had a reporter asking for information on my day off, and the requests kept coming even though I was quickly handling them and responding.

    Texted “Ugh wish I were relaxing but I have a reporter ruining my day off” to a team member.

    Except it went to the reporter…

  192. EddieSherbert*

    Not a rant, but a very weird voicemail:

    Playing telephone tag with a customer…. he called my company back and left a voicemail explaining that he had missed our call because the owner’s dog had serious diarrhea all over the office and he had to clean up and take the dog outside.

    That’s a new one!

    1. EddieSherbert*

      PS does anyone know what profile it pulls the pic in from? I’d rather not use my work photo on a personal blog!

      1. The Alias Gloria Has Been Living Under. A.A., B.S.*

        It’s your Gravatar photo based on the email address you use.

        1. EddieSherbert*

          Thanks Alias. Super weird since I don’t use my work email address! I’ll play with it

  193. Jill*

    I was the aide to an alderman (aka city councilman). The city was doing work on the water mains and had posted notices on everyone’s doors that the water would be shut of from x to y time. Well, they missed a guy who lived in an upper flat. He called me and ranted for a good 10 minutes about how he had to use a vacation day and stay home because he couldn’t shower that morning. “And I bet the MAYOR got a shower today!! I bet the ALDERMAN got a shower today. YOU got a shower today? Didn’t you??? Didn’t you??? But all I get to do is sit here and be stinky.”

    I said, “Sir, I. Am. So. Sorry!” But he cuts me off with, “And I suppose I have no recourse but to sit here and stink”

    This was first thing in the morning….first, how filthy do you get just sleeping? Second, if you are that filthy from yesterday’s workday or whatever, why on earth wouldn’t you shower before getting into bed?

    As for me, I had to listen to the whole thing and try hard not to laugh – I kept picturing him as an adult version of Pigpen from Charlie Brown, sitting on tattered couch in soiled shorts with the stink cloud floating around him while he yelled into the phone.

  194. Cath in Canada*

    Oh man, I really wish I’d kept the one I got from my old boss in response to my list of suggested titles for an upcoming grant proposal. It was epic. He was at a conference in a different time zone, and the email was sent at about 1 am local time. I later found out from someone else who went to the conference that they were all out drinking very heavily that night. The email contained four splendid, long, purple prose paragraphs of ranting about the state of scientific funding and its tendency to cause safe-but-boring rather than high-risk-high-reward proposals, and ended with “having said all that I like option #2 so let’s use that”. I was impressed – I can’t write half that well sober, let alone drunk!

  195. TinyPjM*

    It might be too late, but this one went out to entire company (500+ people)…it…has nothing to do with anything we do, but EVERYTHING to do with Footloose:

    “So we’ve been educating our 14 daughter on the beauty of 80’s movies. We’ve been working down the list of John Hughes movies and other classics.

    Last night we screen Footloose and watched it with her.

    I never realized until last night that my entire emotional investment in that film is Chris Penn’s story arc where he learns to dance. I’ve never wanted Chris Penn to dance so much in my whole life. All the crap with Kevin Bacon and his emotionally bankrupt small town slut girlfriend and the preacher and all that… that’s just peripheral nonsense to support Chris Penn’s trajectory towards dancing.

    In the final scene, fireworks were going off in my head as I beheld the majesty of it.

    RIP, Chris.”

    1. OriginalYup*

      That.is.amazing.

      S/he was so moved by Willard’s achievement that it merited a work email to 500+ people.

      I’m incredibly tempted to go do the step-toepoint-kick finale dance down my work hallway now.

  196. Not posting this as myself*

    Oh man I’d forgotten! This was more a single sentence than a rant.

    Several years ago there was a big call with a client to go over the progress of resolution of “discrepancies” between our responses to the client’s RFP and the system they’d actually gotten. (Some were real discrepancies. Some were miscommunications about what something meant. Some were failing to absorb the training. Some of the real discrepancies were entertainingly horrifying as things to have promised on a technical level. We’d mostly addressed that, worked out a list of changes acceptable to all sides, and were working on delivering those.)

    In any case, on this call, a particular VP from our company was the lead on our side. He laid out the time line that would be followed, when the updated system would be provided, the date range during which the client would test it, and then on (date) the client would accept the system. He presented all of this as *it would* happen – didn’t even check whether the particular schedule worked for them or ask questions. (This was, as you might imagine from the previous paragraph, not a happy client at this time.)

    And one of the leads on the client side interrupted him before he could continue from there, in this 30+ person conference call, and told him he could go F himself. Then reverted to professional, if bitten-off, words to say that they were the client, and they would accept it IF it passed their testing and they would test it as thoroughly as they felt was necessary, on a timeline that worked for them.

    Not perfectly professional behavior on the client’s part. But honestly, quite a few of us in the company were cheering this person on. (Some of them had very much wanted to say the same thing to the VP about other issues, either related to this situation or to others. But were too professional to do so, or just too smart since they did work for the same company and were considerably junior to a VP.)

  197. my two cents*

    Worked for a small company of <15, and was there about a year at this point. The team was hiring a new dev engineer, and the eng manager happened across my resume on Monster. Eng The eng manager rightfully let the tiny management 'team' know, and my direct manager had pulled me aside for a calm rational discussion on a Friday afternoon. My manager asked if I was happy enough in my role – asked if anything was wrong – because they found my resume. I responded that everything was great, but at the 1-yr mark I wanted to know what my specific skill set is worth and it's hard to know without poking around job sites. He agreed, and just asked that I let them know if I did really intend to leave because he was planning to retire within the next 6mo. but he thought I was doing great blahdiblahblah and it's good to know what's out there yadda yadda.

    The 'president'/founder of the small company was a sharp but extremely emotional and paranoid man. He understood his own limitations, and had hired a very even and rational general manager to eventually take over his role as he stepped back. But the resume thing had happened while he was still there. Though my manager and I had talked that Friday, Pres drops by my cube the following Tuesday at 930 AM and utters the bone-chilling classic – "Do you have a moment to talk in my office?"

    I sit down in his office's chair, and he slides a stapled photocopied article in front of me – something about customer service being the most well-rounded employees or something else vaguely flattering to my role – and begins…
    "Do you know why I asked you in here?"
    "I'd imagine it's about having my resume up on Monster. Kevin already talked to me about it Friday, and he understood I was just keeping an eye on what else is out there."

    His face turned a fantastically horrifying shade of red while he painfully scrunched his face together and shrieks "WHAT IF I STARTED LOOKING FOR A NEW WIFE WHILE I WAS STILL MARRIED? HUH?!"
    "I think that's a pretty unfair parallel, Carl" (through clenched teeth, frustrated-angry tears rolling down both cheeks – just get through this…do not run your mouth, self)

    And he went on and on and on…
    "If you walked out, you'd find a job within 3 weeks. No question, you'd find something else. I could make you sign an employment contract RIGHT NOW. We treat you SO WELL here. You won't find anyone who treats you better than we do. You're lucky we hired you. What do you have going on today?"
    "Honestly Carl, I can't even think clearly right now." teeth still clenched.
    "Why don't you take the lunchhour…no, how 'bout the afternoon…to really think about this."
    "Okay, Carl."
    "Do you need me to grab your things?"
    "No, I'm good."
    I grabbed my stuff from my cube across the office, and quietly walked back across the office out the front door. The general manager called me at least 5 times that afternoon, each message sweeter than the last, urging me to come back but if I didn't want to see Carl today she understood and hopefully they'll see me tomorrow morning.

    Next morning, I'm going about my work when someone taps my cube's wall.
    "Hey…are we good?" as Carl peeks around the edge of the cube wall.
    "Sure, Carl."

    2. CM*

      Love how you told this story, and I admire your self-control in reacting to Carl’s rant (“You could get a better job tomorrow! But we own you! Leave now! But never leave!”)

  198. Rusty Shackelford*

    The comment above about attempting to send a retraction reminded me of this one.

    Many years ago, I subscribed to a listserv of people in my field. One woman on this list was a pompous know-it-all, and when I politely disagreed with a particularly pompous (and stupid) statement on one of her posts, she sent an email to me (as opposed to the list), ranting and raving about my rude, disrespectful, idiotic, blah blah blah post, and assuring me that she would make sure I NEVER got a job in all of California. Which didn’t bother me, since I lived 1000+ miles away and didn’t want to move there, and also because I kind of suspected that she didn’t actually have that much pull with every employer in California.

    Anyway. A few months later I got an email from her with the subject line “PLEASE READ THIS FIRST!!!!” In this email, she said she’d accidentally sent me an email intended for someone else, and requested that I delete it unread. Ha ha. As someone said earlier, nothing could make me want to read it more. As it turns out, it was very similar to the scorching tirade she’d sent me, assuring another impudent upstart that they’d never be allowed to work in California. I suddenly felt less special. ;-)

  199. Victoria*

    AAM, Please say you’ll post a best of? I’ve been reading for an hour and haven’t made a dent. I wish I could get through them all!

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I was thinking that as I was reading! I’m not sure if I should, since I didn’t warn people ahead of time that that was possible and they may have posted thinking it would be buried in a comment section and might not appreciate it being highlighted more (per my note in the original post). I should have thought of this ahead of time.

    2. Saturnalia*

      I have literally spent DAYS enjoying this post. Like, every scrap of time I have at work and home for days. No regrets :D

  200. MT*

    I once worked reception desk for a Jewish synagogue. We would regularly receive all the expected calls – What are you, personally, doing about Major World Problem; political rants from people who seemed to confuse our Executive Director/Rabbi with the decision makers in the U.S. and Israel; various versions of “why are you selfishly devoting all of your resources to your community instead of to solving [personal pet cause of choice]?” We also had a couple interfaith events which drew out of the woodwork not just *our* crazies but the ones attracted to the Catholic church as well. No, sir, I have no interest in hearing your theological diatribe, would you like lunch with your reservation?

    My favorite, however, was the reliable monthly multipage handwritten letter from Reverend Somethingorother bent on converting us to his faith. I learned to recognize his handwriting and toss the unopened envelope right into the recycling bin, but I hope he feels his efforts are bringing him some sort of peace.

    1. alice*

      I am (used to be?) Catholic, and the things the clergy will do for one more church member are insane.

  201. Cupcakes in the Kitchen*

    My company has a main headquarters and several small branches spread around the country. 80% of employees work at headquarters, and they often forget about the branch employees. This is especially true when it comes to the all-company email distribution list. Just imagine all the “cupcakes in the 3rd floor kitchen, come get some!” emails that go out to the entire company. So it was absolutely awesome when one of the branch employees sent out a “cupcakes in the [other city] kitchen, come get some!” email to the entire company, including a photo of said cupcakes.

  202. Chameleon*

    Don’t have a good one myself, but Mr. Chameleon worked at the customer service desk at a grocery story once. One night, a guy came in to make a return on a cooked rotisserie chicken, because it “wasn’t very good.” My husband looked in the bag, and the chicken had been *entirely* eaten. Just the bones were left. When my husband politely informed him he would be unable to process a return on a chicken carcass, the customer started yelling at him that he was being racist because he (the customer) was an immigrant from Vietnam. Eventually the store’s GM had to get involved and the guy not only did not get his chicken money back, but was barred from the store for being abusive.

  203. MJ (Aotearoa/New Zealand)*

    Ah, yes. My favourite email, somewhat paraphrased but mostly verbatim. It was over six years ago and I still remember it almost word for word. For context: I was working in Payroll for a hospital. We were based in the hospital, on the same floor as a few wards. So, we shared a bathroom with medical professionals and patient visitors.

    From: Manager of the cleaning team
    To: Payroll Manager
    Subject: MISUSE of supplies

    [Payroll Manager],

    It has come to my attention that your team are using FAR more toilet paper than they should be. [Hospital] is under budget constraints so WHY do you all feel the need to be so wasteful? I would appreciate you more closely monitoring your staff’s usage to ensure it is appropriate. Otherwise I will have to take this higher.

    [Cleaning Manager]

    Payroll manager emailed back and asked if she was expected to stand at the door and ask people what they were planning to do and allocate toilet paper sheets accordingly… never heard back, surprisingly.

  204. Dawn*

    I once got an incredibly vicious email from a customer accusing us of malicious intentions. Our crime? One of our letters to them was stapled and folded in a way they didn’t approve of.

  205. Sally Forth*

    I had a package ready at the seat of every board member at a board meeting last year. Our staff members also sit in on the first part of the meeting. I ran out of a pale blue plastic sleeves for the package, and another person (let’s call her Pita) and I got clear sleeves. As the meeting started, she asked me why hers was clear. To save time, I just said I did clear for staff members. Except that wasn’t true, because our manager and one staff member got blue.

    After the meeting, Pita sent an email to our whole board and two staff members of our parent organization using the clear sleeve as evidence of complaints she had apparently been making about me excluding her and that she felt the clear sleeve was being used to single her out at the meeting. She had other examples that were similar, such as offering her Post-It notes from a new pack AFTER someone else took the pink ones, relegating her to either orange or green when I KNEW those weren’t her preferred colours.

  206. Alli525*

    I am LOVING this post. Earlier this week I sent a shouty email out of frustration…

    Background: My boss flies a lot for work. A Lot. We recently booked him on an overseas flight, but the CFO’s office asked me to rebook for a more inconvenient flight at a lower cost – like, way lower, $7k lower. So I did, and normally the airline in question will just refund the amount to his credit card and I’d see it in the next bill. Turns out that was NOT the case this time, and they sent me a voucher. The problem with vouchers is that you have to mail it in 10 days before the date of the flight… (1) we book flights too last-minute for that to be possible; (2) most of our flights are domestic, so I would have had to buy a $200 flight, the cost is deducted from the $7000 voucher, I mail in the voucher, they send me a new voucher for $6800, ad infinitum until the balance runs out. No way am I going to do that. So I call customer service and they tell me I need to email a different section of CS. There’s a little back and forth, they take about 24-36 hours between replies which is frustrating… and finally they need my boss to submit approval for me to talk to them about the matter. “He does” (I did) immediately… and then NOTHING. Dead silence for eight full days.

    So yesterday, I had HAD it. I sent them a third follow-up email (the first two had been very polite), in all caps, 24-point font, “IT HAS BEEN EIGHT DAYS” in bright red and underlined.

    I felt bad about it, but they called me 3 hours later, apologized profusely (“we’re a little behind” “……no kidding.”), and told me that they’d issue me the e-voucher I wanted, hopefully that day.

    Still waiting for that e-voucher, though.

    1. Liana*

      The amount of times I have wanted to send that EXACT EMAIL to people …. As an admin (who routinely makes travel arrangements), I completely feel you on this one.

  207. I'm definitely not giving a name to this one*

    Ok, I’ll own up. Looks down sheepishly, coughs nervously. I, ah, caused one of these. The below really is true, I swear.

    Background: I had a friend of a friend who would periodically buy up a whole cow, get it butchered and split it among a bunch of people (it came out super cheap, and good grass fed beef etc etc). So one time I bought 1/16th of a cow; I ended up with a bunch of cuts including the liver, all frozen. I had a co-worker/buddy who was bemoaning he couldn’t get decent beef liver (He was Polish and had grown up with it), so I mentioned “Hey, I just ended up with this cow liver, want it?” “Sure!” So I bring in the frozen cow liver plus some other meat, all wrapped in freezer paper in a bag, and give it to him, and it ends up in the fridge. He forgets it overnight and it defrosts. There was a hole in the bag, so we come in the next morning to an absolutely epic rant from the floor admin about “whoever it was who left the raw beef in the fridge the blood went absolutely everywhere I’ve had to throw it away and clean out the entire fridge and call the janitorial department” that goes on and on and on. Best/Worst part, another of my co-workers who was vegan (but totally nonjudgmental, really nice, etc) had left his vegan lunch directly beneath it. So it ended up soaked in blood. I apologized profusely.

    Fast forward we move to a new office and the uberboss gives a David Letterman style top-10 list of best parts of the new office, one of which is “And no blood all over the fridge!”.

  209. Buggy Crispino*

    I’m late in the day adding this, but I was at work earlier and had to wait to get home to get to my own computer where I have this email stored. The author of the letter was the “manager’s assistant.” She seemed to think that was the same as being the assistant manager. I don’t even remember exactly what prompted her to go off the deep end, but the tension in the department had become insanely thick and she thought she was losing total control over us (which she never actually had.)

    By the way, we never did have that meeting she said we were going to have; mainly because the HR director fired her within just a few days before the department manager came back from his vacation. Part of the firing involved her screaming at the HR guy “You’re not my daddy, you can’t tell me what to do!”

    From : abby
    To : abby
    Subject : work problems
    Date : 08/24/00 11:31

    TO WHOM THIS MAY CONCERN

    IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME OF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH ME
    MY QUESTION WOULD BE TO ASK YOURSELF IS IT THAT I’AM UPSET WITH HER
    FOR SOMETHING SHE HAS SAID OR I’M I UPSET WITH HER BECAUSE SHE HAS
    COME IN HERE AND CHANGED A FEW THINGS WORKED CLOSE WITH GARY AND IS
    IS VERY NICE TO THE VENDORS AND HAVE HAD PEOPLE COMMENT ON HOW I HAVE
    BEEN DOING THINGS AND THEY LIKE THE CHANGE .
    IF I HAVE TALKED TO SOMEONE ABOUT ANYTHING I SHOULD HAVE NOT THAT’S
    MY MISTAKE BUT IF I DID IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT PERSON
    WAS SOMEONE WHO CARED ABOUT THE COMPANY THEY WORKED FOR. ALSO ASK YOURSELF
    THIS WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING ABOUT ABBY WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT VALEEN
    THEN DECIDE IF YOU HAVE ROOM TO TALK ABOUT ME . ALSO WHILE I’M ON THIS ROLL
    NO ONE HERE HAS A RIGHT TO SAY WHO SPENDS MORE TIME ON THE PHONE WITH PERSONAL
    CALLS REMEBER I ANSWER THE PHONE MOST OF THE TIME AND HAVE COME TO NO WHEN IT
    IS PERSONAL AND WHEN IT IS WORK RELATED SO IN THIS CASE POT CAN’T CALL THE
    KETTLE BLACK THERE IS NOT ONE OF YOU WHO CAN SAVE THAT I HAVEN’T HELPED YOU OR
    OFFERED TO HELP YOU IF WE CAN’T ALL WORK TOGETHER THEN THERE IS A BIG PROBLEM
    HERE IT WOULD SEEM SOME OF YOU JUST WANT SOMEONE TO BLAME OR TO POINT A FINGER
    AT JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK I TELL GARY EVERYTHING WELL GUESS WHAT IF YOU ARE
    DOING YOUR JOB AND YOU NO THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BUT FYI I DON’T TELL
    HIM EVERYTHING BUT IF THERE WAS SOMETHING HE NEEDED TO KNOW I WOULD I WAS
    HIRED TO DO CERTAIN JOB DUTIES AND THAT WAS GARY’S CHOICE THERE’S NOT A ONE OF
    YOU THAT HASN’T HAD A CHANCE TO DO ANYTHING YOU WANTED TO IN THIS COMPANY SO
    DON’T BLAME ME FOR BEING A TAKE CHARGE PERSON . WHEN GARY GETS BACK WE WILL
    HAVE THAT 1HOUR MEETING AND I’M SURE ALL YOUR QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED
    AND BEFORE I CLOSE THINK ABOUT THIS IS THERE ANYONE YOU WOULD BE HAPPY WITH
    IN MY POSITION I DOUT IT SOME TIMES PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF CHANGE AND THATS ALL
    I HAVE DONE IS CHANGED A FEW THINGS SO TO ANYONE WHO DON’T LIKE IT WELL I’AM
    SORRY BUT THIS COMPANY IS CHANGING SO YOU NEED TO GET USE TO IT AND THIS
    DEPARTMENT IS CHANGING AND FOR THE GOOD AND WE CAN ALL BENIFIT FROM IT AND
    I INTEND TO BE HERE FOR EVERYTHING THAT’S TO COME.
    THANK-YOU FOR YOUR TIME
    ABBY EWING

    2. Karowen*

      I literally can’t even read this because of the caps and the seeming lack of punctuation. I’m impressed.

  210. Sorin*

    My company used to do a december holiday party. One year, they put to a vote whether we wanted to have it, or donate some amount of money to a charity. We ended up donating, and they sent out a list of charities to choose from.

    One of my coworkers took issue with this. (For context – this was a coworker who had repeatedly ignored feedback from female coworkers unless a male coworker was there to go, “are you going to answer that?”) He sent the following email:

    Why we cannot make the donation to a charity of our choice? Who made this decision which charities are no good?

    I know for a fact that #6 for example is a sham.

    I just called them and I said that I am a single father and I have a son with me part time, I have been unemployed
    and about to be evicted and I need emergency housing. (OK lied about the last part, but I have been
    in this situation in the past.) They refused to help me. They said that the child needs to be 100% time at home.
    They said that they also have a program for single mothers, but not for single fathers. They also have a
    program for victims of domestic violence (for which only women qualify — I know).

    By the way Violence Against Women Act of 1994 (VAWA) is a government program. This act provides $1.6 billion
    toward investigation and prosecution of violent crimes against women. The congress reauthorized
    this act in 2012. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/VAWA

    No analogous programs exists to protect men.

    This is sexism. I do not think we should donate any money to any organization that exhibits sexism, racism and such.

    There is another side to this story and it is terrifying. Here is one example of a systematic failure of justice system that resulted
    in a death http://www.ejfi.org/family/family-38.htm . I personally had hard time reading it — it is too disturbing.

    The charity that I proposed, Equal Justice Foundation (EJF) shines light on
    this other side, which is (I believe) the root cause of the problem. It is a non-profit 501(c)(3) public charity supported
    entirely by members and contributions, and their budget is only a few thousand dollars. (Or maybe not even that — I do not
    remember the number of the top of my head.) They really need our help. http://ejfi.org

    I believe the donations should be made to whatever charities we choose. In any rate EJF is way more deserving then #6.

    I recommend read at least introduction in http://ejfi.org/News/DV-December_1_2012.htm . And here is an in-depth
    article http://www.ejfi.org/DV/dv-9.htm .

    , please forward this e-mail to everybody in the company, because this is everybody’s business. I tried to send
    it to Group:US, but it came back.

  211. Jules the First*

    I may have to confess to having sent a rant of my own a number of years ago. I was (briefly and misguidedly) in charge of the in-house library of rare and mostly out-of-print architecture monographs, which were extremely valuable and (of course) stored on open shelving in an unlocked meeting room where anyone could help themselves. After a few months of passive-aggressive emails and progressively more aggressive ‘personal visits’, I was having reasonable success keeping said valuable books on the shelves (instead of, say, in Hermione’s backpack or on Voldemort’s kitchen table), when TPTB decided to start holding the monthly all-hands breakfasts in the meeting room with the valuable books. I was asked to speak for a few minutes about our library and the rules for using it, which I did, emphasising that these rules included a complete and utter ban on liquids or edible items of any kind in proximity to the books.

    Cleaning up after the meeting, I discover no fewer than 17 part-finished coffee cups tucked neatly among the shelves. And, thinking quickly but not deeply, send the following:

    “To: All Staff
    Re: A visual guide to things which are not tables

    Dear All,

    It has come to my attention, following this morning’s meeting, that you as design professionals have mysteriously missed out on a key part of the interior design 101 courseload, namely, how to identify tables in the wild. Please study the following guide (as there will be a test!).

    This is a table:
    (photo of a table in our office)
    Tables have several sturdy legs, topped by a flat surface which is perpendicular to the floor and is cleverly designed for holding objects such as, for example, half-full coffee cups.

    The following, while superficially table-like, are not tables:
    (photo of a tabletop mountain)
    Not a table.

    (photo of an armchair)
    Not a table.

    (photo of a computer tower)
    Not a table.

    (photo of a cat, with coffee mug balanced on head)
    Not a table.

    (photo of coffee-cup-studded bookshelves)
    Still not a table.”

    I got precisely seventeen apologies by email for leaving coffee among the books.

  212. Angela*

    This was directed to a former co-worker, but I was copied on it. Our company’s name was in all capitals on our logo. So instead of “Jazz Hands”, it was “JAZZ HANDS”. My coworker sent an internal email (would never be seen by a client) and didn’t have the name of the company in all caps. Our director (two levels above us) went on a rant about the importance of branding, most of which I have forgotten. However, what none of us forgot was that he ended the email stating that anyone that failed to use the appropriate capitalization going forward would be terminated without any further warning.

  213. RB*

    Our building was having some plumbing problems, and one of the toilets in the women’s restroom on the first floor kept overflowing. After several signs were put up in the restroom reminding us not to flush things that shouldn’t be flushed, the department admin sent out an email to all of the women on the first floor:

    Ok, ladies. We all know about the plumbing problems in the restroom here, and facilities is getting sick of trying to fix it. You need to stop flushing things that shouldn’t be flushed. Just wrap it in TP and put it in the little bin in the stall.

    After months of this, they finally did a bunch of work on the plumbing in the building and we suddenly didn’t have problems with the toilet overflowing anymore.

    1. greenbeans*

      Those little signs are a pet peeve of mine. Seriously, I don’t know anyone who flushes tampons or who ever has in their lives. I’m sure it happens sometimes, but I suspect it happens a lot less than is often supposed. The first time my fiance and I had plumbing issues in our new place, the first question our landlord asked me was, “Did you flush something you weren’t supposed to?” Eyes rolled; saw brain.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I actually didn’t know until fairly recently (like, the last few years) that you weren’t supposed to flush them!

      2. Jules the First*

        I always flushed until I moved to Europe and encountered the signs. (Actually, I probably flushed a bunch after moving to Europe). I’ve never had a problem. Nice robust 20th century plumbing.

        1. Someone else*

          Yeah, but it’s still a huge problem at the wastewater treatment plant. Both women’s sanitary products and those wet wipes that claim to be flushable.

          OTOH, my employer has the little bins in the ladies stalls, but they are not for trash. No, they are to dispense little bags for you to put your sanitary products in. But the bags are very tall and narrow, so near impossible to use. I tried a couple times, then gave up. The pads I wrapped in the wrapper from the new pad and deposited in the trash, but the tampons I flushed. There was no way I was risking having a coworker walk in on me carrying a blood soaked wad of toilet paper across the room.

          I felt guilty about it, but just, no.

          1. greenbeans*

            Yeah, I was taught you’re not even supposed to flush kleenex. It’s not designed to break down like t.p. is.

            I rescind my outrage at these signs. :P

      3. Rebecca in Dallas*

        I thought tampons (most of them) were flushable? I’ve always flushed them, never had them cause any issues.

        My sister-in-law used to flush baby wipes and those Clorox wipes down the toilet. They had a massive plumbing block once and when the plumber figured out the problem, he said, “Someone flushed a whole bunch of wipes down the toilet!” My brother-in-law (her husband) said, “Who would do that?” while at the same time she said, “Are we not supposed to?”

      4. Artemesia*

        Everyone I know has always flushed tampons unless they have a specifically lousy plumbing system or a septic tank.

      5. Adonday Veeah*

        Back in my day (sound of old bones creaking) they used to advertise them as “flushable” I’m years beyond the need of them — has that changed?

        1. mander*

          I definitely remember this being one of the selling points on the box when I was a teenager! I had no idea they could cause problems until my Dad hired a machine to unclog our plumbing and he had to come and tell me to stop flushing them.

  214. greenbeans*

    A few jobs ago, I worked with a graphic designer who was a crazy ball of angry, or maybe an angry ball of crazy.

    I was working in IT at the time, and I sent her an email about some system maintenance I had to do. It was a routine, innocuous message. Only, I made a typo and used the word “defiantly” instead of “definitely.” So the message went, “Blah blah need to do maintenance at 3 pm, blah blah. If you need me to move it to another day, I’ll defiantly do that.”

    Because of the crazy and because she didn’t like me (I once asked her to stop using pirated software on her machine and it turned into A Thing), I guess she thought it was some sort of attack. She flipped out and forwarded the email to her boss and my boss with wording along the lines of, “This is what she’s like!” She demanded a meeting with us and our bosses. When I explained to my boss it was a typo, he just rolled his eyes. :P

  215. anonymousmonkey*

    I work for a relatively large company with several thousand employees. Employee departures are pretty commonplace, and it’s general convention to send a nice farewell email to the people you worked closely with when you leave. However, this one gentleman decided to send an email to all several thousand of us upon his departure, which started out with a nonsensical paragraph about money, meandered through discussing sexual relations with unnamed other employees (and implied that he thought that all of us were engaging in such relations), and then implored us to imagine the following scenario:

    “For a second time, because I know it’s hard for most of you, just sit back, relax, think about the tension in your shoulders and think about me in tight jean shorts and a sailor top that extends just far enough down my lean, shiny, caramel torso to cover my succulent nipples. I’m now standing behind you, applying lotion on your back, touching your tender muscles, and you whispering in your ear. ‘Close your eyes, hear my voice, read my words, and daze off into a field of feathers, bunnies, and champagne. F*** it, and unicorns.'”

    Full text apparently made it to Reddit, should you choose to search for it…

  216. Talvi*

    I wrote one of these to the city once. I was 9 or 10 years old and Very Upset that they had done some work on the playground in my neighbourhood, which made it difficult to climb on the outside and on top of equipment – I was upset about safety upgrades making the playground “un-fun,” essentially. Because whyever would someone want to deter children from using playground equipment in unintended and potentially dangerous ways, am I right?

    I never got around to sending it (or even printing it off), but I’m pretty sure my mom still has it saved on her computer.

    1. CM*

      Current playground wisdom is with you! I’ve read lots of articles in the past few years about how playgrounds are TOO safe and kids should be able to take risks.

  217. EvilQueenRegina*

    Posted on the original post but adding here as it may have got missed:

    The original email on this post actually reminded me of one I had when I worked at The Real Office. To explain the background, the team at that job had been based at four separate offices and moved into one a few years earlier. Office A had been the main base until everyone moved to B. But for some weird reason, everyone who had been based at building B, C or D still got added to A’s building wide distribution list, and even people who had started there long after the office move and never worked at A at all were automatically added. So we were all getting emails from Sansa the office manager there, with the same kind of grammatical and spelling errors as the above (in fact it wouldn’t shock me to hear this was the same person), about things like dirty mugs etc. that had nothing to do with us as we weren’t even there. Some people kept the emails for the amusement value, others got annoyed, one to the point where he fired something back at Sansa saying “Do I really need to know about that?”

    On this day, there had obviously been a lot of complaints about heating and Sansa sent: “To All Staff PLease note that the Heating has now been turned on for the duration of the Winter So please no more Sob Stories. I just cannot stand the emotion It brings. My handies are wet with the tears I have cried”. Some guy then sent round a reply all threatening to come in wearing his Speedos if she didn’t turn the heating off and telling everyone to wear clothes if they were cold.

    The best non-rant I ever saw was probably the temp who sent round a goodbye email with lots of baby photos of himself. Again, since we’d all left the building by then, we never met the guy and couldn’t understand why we had this.

  218. Hot Chocolate*

    My work is contracted by the government, so although it looks like I’m working in government, I’m actually not. I once got a complaint/rant that ended with a demand for local lawyer and media details so they could sue ‘us’ (the government).

  219. Liz*

    Oh gosh, I’m so late with this!

    ANYWAY, context: I was working in an office with a set-up very similar to a call centre — lots of people sitting at their computers in rows, wearing headphones, attempting to concentrate fiercely on the tasks at hand.

    A new staff member joined us — I’ll call her Alison. She was quite nice, great at her job, but maybe not so good at using her words.

    She had a serious fragrance allergy, but rather than saying anything about it, she brought her air purifier to work. No problems there — it’s the same brand occasionally recommended here, and most people didn’t have a problem with it. Except for the guy who sat directly behind her — let’s call him Felix. For some reason, the sound of the purifier went right through Felix’s head. Accordingly, he started researching noise-cancelling headphones.

    No dramas, right? Except that one Friday afternoon, Alison overhead Felix complaining to a friend about the cost of the headphones. Felix was just venting, but Alison apparently took it personally. That’s how, come Monday, I walked in to the office to find Alison putting up a room dividing screen between her desk and Felix’s, and sewing fabric to it by way of soundproofing.

    “That’s odd,” I thought. The office manager was interstate that day, but I figured she’d deal with it either way when she got back.

    Tuesday: office manager returns, the makeshift soundproofing is gone.

    Wednesday: Felix has his noise-cancelling headphones. Alison has turned up her purifier. Another colleague, Sarah, is in a snit because, although she sits as far away from Alison as possible, Alison has complained about her perfume. Alison has been here a few months by this point, and it’s the first Sarah knew of her allergy.

    Friday: Alison brings copies of a Letter to work, and hands them out to individual co-workers. Most are perfume or cologne wearers, but Felix also gets one. He is quite irritated by this, and when Alison leaves the room, rips it into pieces. I DIDN’T get a letter, and felt a bit left out, plus I enjoy workplace shenanigans — so I grabbed the pieces, took them home and reassembled them.

    The full text:

    TOXIC CHEMICALS

    Nearly all work environments contain high levels of synthetic chemicals which are harmful to human health. These chemicals are derived from petroleum and are known to have detrimental effects upon the central nervous system, respiratory system and hormonal system. The negative effects vary depending on the chemical involved, the degree of exposure to it, and the particular genetic sensitivity of each individual.

    By far the greatest source of these toxic chemicals are the fragrances which are used in perfumes, aftershaves, deodorants, hair products, skin lotions, washing detergents and ‘air fresheners’. Research into the effects of these chemicals is limited, largely because people assume that they are safe to use and because cosmetic companies do not want their effects to be known. However, there is certainly enough evidence to suggest that such products should be banned from use. Nova Scotia, a province in Canada, has outlawed the use of fragrances in public buildings such as schools and hospitals for this very reason.

    Synthetic fragrances have been linked to a wide variety of illnesses including migraines, seizures, depression, anxiety, lethargy, combative behaviour, poor concentration, dementia, multiple sclerosis, sudden infant death syndrome, foetal deformities, asthma, nausea, hormonal dysfunction, infertility and cancer. The effects are not dissimilar to those experienced by glue sniffers, who inhale very similar chemicals. In fact, the chemical in glue which gives such an addictive high and causes brain damage (toluene) is found in nearly all perfumes.

    Because fragrances affect both the brain and hormones, they can have a similar impact upon a person’s libido. Sadly, many women use perfume to try to pep themselves up when they are feeling sexually flat when, in fact, it is the perfume itself that is causing their lack of sexual interest. Many men, too, are becoming regular users of synthetic fragrances and it is interesting to note the increased incidence of low sperm counts in our modern society.

    I have a genetic sensitivity to these chemicals. My mother used perfume and experienced severe unexplained nausea and vomiting for many years and later developed dementia. One of my brothers was born with a neurological disorder which left him paralysed.

    In my current role at Teapots Inc and in my previous job as a teacup specialist at another company, I have got physically sick as a result of sitting in close proximity to a person who wears perfume. In each case, I politely asked the perfume wearer not to use the perfume and in both instances, the person continued to wear it. In my previous job, I brought the problem to the attention of my manager. Soon after that, there was no longer any work available for me at the company.

    If others have no regard for the illnesses their fragrances cause to me, then I have no option but to use an air purifier at my desk. No one has informed me that the noise is excessive however I sensed that there was a problem on Friday and so I am doing all I can to improve the situation. If you wish me to turn off the purifier temporarily, I am more than happy to do that. Having had my own concerns dismissed by others, I do not wish to treat your concerns in the same disrespectful manner. My hope is that the working environment is made healthier and happier for everyone.

    Suffice to say, this letter was not received particularly well. Aside from Felix, who felt he had been singled out unfairly, Sarah was angry that Alison had complained to the office manager instead of going to her directly; Cosima — a science grad — was irritated by the terrible science; Rachel had lost a baby to SIDs a year earlier and was very upset by what she perceived as victim blaming; and the rest of us were torn between irritation at the passive-aggression and amusement at the inappropriateness of speculation about our libidos and sperm counts.

    Things were rather tense in the office for a couple of weeks, until head office instituted a brand new foolish policy — it was, as far as we could tell, their hobby — and we came together as a team to argue against it. I moved on a few months later, Felix and Cosima shortly after, but last I heard, Alison and Sarah are still there.

  220. Frankie Grimm*

    I’m delurking to share an email I forwarded to myself probably 10 years ago – the most pompous person on the planet quit his job and this was his farewell. He signed it as “the doctor”. He’s not a doctor (it was a call centre), it’s not a Doctor Who reference, and it’s not a name that anyone but him used to refer to him.

    Subject: Auf wiedersehen, arrivederci, au revoir!

    Fellow Colleagues,

    The time has come to swipe my card for the very last time and bid farewell to Level [n], [Building].

    I leave [Company] with everlasting memories and some amazing friendships and those of you who remain are among the most dedicated and knowledgeable colleagues with whom I have ever had the fortune and privilege to work. I’d like to thank you for accompanying me on this part of my journey.

    I know that no other workplace I’m likely to join (especially my new executive position [n.b: lies] in the State Government next month) will ever have the same sense of uniqueness and convivial atmosphere. After almost 6 years, the things that I will miss most are the same as those that have sustained me for so long: the sense of humour and good times we all share that save us from losing our cool and dignity in escalated (and sometimes, personal and often thankless) situations.

    When I first joined [Company] née [old company name] in September [year], I was completely devoid of any knowledge surrounding this industry and working as the first point of contact for the prestigious and world-renowned [former owner/parent company] Westeros Chocolate Teapots (and associated confectioners) was an exciting opportunity to use my language skills and experience. This position also represented quite a marked shift from my university and post-graduate studies and working as an [job title] for [god who cares] during the three years previous.

    But just one year on, many things came to change after that fateful [event that caused changes for many teapot manufacturers] and despite false reassurances and imperialist propaganda, few of the changes made to our daily lives or to this industry have been for the greater good, the results of which we see on our televisions everyday.

    For the rest of that year we spoke to many tealess, scared and confused teapot-buyers, not helped at all by the shortsighted and belligerent measures adopted after that fateful day. I felt it was our responsibility to counter that paranoia by offering some semblance of normality, at least for the time we were talking to our customers.

    Many managed to remain polite and patient and keep their sense humour between threats of lawsuits and of course, specific teapot spout shapes (Seriously, what would our [nationality] friends do in the absence of their nonsensical lawsuits and 7-month-in-advance-waddaya-mean-you-can’t-guarantee-it-you-don’t-know-what-you’re-talking-about-get-me-a-supervisor teapot spout requests?)

    The realities of the bloated European teapot industry finally hit a year after when Westeros Chocolate Teapots was halted. Who can forget when each and every one of us were left feeling like all our work had amounted to nothing and that ‘The End’ had come so soon after starting out. Not to mention the fears and hopes we shared for our colleagues during the most recent events in [country] and [country].

    I am also thankful for having had the possibility to travel and learn while experiencing the Westeros Teapots product and samples (” What do you mean he got a free gilded diamond chocolate teapot? That’s impossible!”)

    Conversely, the biggest frustration of my time at [Company] was seeing colleagues full of pride, energy and new ideas never really embraced or rewarded for their consistent efforts, nor given proper scope to develop their obvious talents to grow the business. So they eventually left. And [Company’s] most important and valuable assets: the pride, energy, knowledge, productivity and experience of its employees, left along with them.

    Given [Company’s] sensitive position as an independent professional entity and the major changes facing us in the coming months, my only hope is that (once the protracted ownership issues have been resolved) some attempt will be made to equip those with the most to give with the possibility to develop and give even more; to reward those with the willingness and courage to take ownership of business issues with the chance to generate the necessary uniqueness and innovation to develop not only a successful business but also, to maintain the atmosphere of this truly special workplace.

    I also hope that the real drivers of [Company] (the frontline CSR agents and Team Leaders) finally start to have greater direct input into shaping [Company’s] business processes and commercial decisions. Because for a company that bases its entire business premise on teamwork and its corporate structure on global cooperation, more must be done to foster a greater inolvement, understanding, respect and reward for effort at the CSR / TL level.

    Despite our concentrated efforts in seeking 3rd party business and the rebuilding and rebranding of WCT provided by the generosity of the Westeros people, [Company] remains without its own clients, while our main client is still at the very beginning of its evolutionary phase and cannot be relied on indefinitely. I sincerely hope that WCT’s fortunes remain strong after the recent consolidation with Dorne Teapots and most importantly, [Company’s] corporate relationships finally begin to offer greater stability, certainty and possibility for growth.

    In fact, these are more than just my hopes: these are the essential elements required for [Company’s] survival.

    While I’m not going to miss getting up at 0430 each morning, my masochistic side will miss trying to formulate new and creative ways to repeat myself (for the 5th time) to explain why ‘ spouts sizes aren’t guaranteed until manufacture, Sir.’

    A wise man once said that ‘others will teach you more about yourself than you could ever learn in a lifetime’ so I hope that I have been able to offer each of you as much as you have all given me during the past 6 years. I’m eternally grateful for having had this experience.

    May I offer each of you continued good health, success and happiness as I remain with best wishes and nostalgia,

    Ciao

    Salutations

    Viele Grüsse

  221. Video killed the radio star*

    Not sure who would be the ranter…myself or the other person…or both.

    So, in A Previous Life, I was a screener/producer at a talk radio station. You can just imagine the rants I got to hear, from local happenings to why in the world was [host] fired?

    On this night, not only was I screening, but was also working the control board. (The host was not a “professional” broadcaster, whereas other hosts would run their own board)
    The in-studio guest was a retired city detective. He started a charitable foundation honoring his late son who had unfortunately died in the line of duty. So I get a call from a listener, and the gist that I understood was that he was angry about how this retired detective handled a case so-many odd years ago that somehow affected this caller, and he didn’t like it.
    “Sir, do you want to go on the air?”
    “Well, no…”
    He calls a second time…rambling again, but still not wanting to go on the air.

    We’re getting to the top of the hour, and we have what’s called a “hard break”. (The host and guest need to wrap up so that I can play a commercial before national news starts right at 8:00) So I’m non-verbally making sure the host knows he needs to wrap up in about 90 seconds, and the guy calls again, once again complaining about the retired detective.
    “Sir! Do you want to go on the air?”
    “Well, no…”
    “Then I don’t want to hear it…” *click!*

    My introverted-self felt proud, and scared, at the same time. The caller was never shouting angry, and luckily he didn’t call back, but that was one time I didn’t feel too bad about being “rude”.

  222. Lady Hilda Trelawney Hope*

    I am a member of the media. We get crazy stuff all day long. This is my favorite rant about an “error” in a story, as it is completely inaccurate.

    Customer Message :

    The book concerns “Atticus Finch and his son Jem”

    WHAT?????

    Clearly the writer of this piece has not read this classic of American fiction, without which NO contemporary American can call themselves educated.

    WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GETTING THIS WRONG?

    Jem is a GIRL! Jem is the Finch DAUGHTER!

    I am truly outraged. Dont you have a fact-checker? Something this well-known is a real DOOZIE – this is not just a mistake, this is a significant indication that your credibility is not to be trusted, and worse, that the quality of your personnel is not up to standard.

    Not only that, as a woman I am especially concerned that one of the more vivid narrators of modern American fiction has been efeminized. Not another female disappeared from history, so to speak. Please [name of org]!

    This does not deserve just an apology. You need to run a story on the importance of this book, its ubiquity and importance to American education, something about Harper Lee and what she was doing with the book, the bad south and the new south – and the place this book has had in reshaping American understanding of race, gender, civil opprobrium, and more.

    This is an astounding error!

  223. I'm completely fine with this message being findable; I just don't want my usual "name" associated with it...*

    I know that I’m late to post on this one, but I read through many, many of these before I remembered that I do in fact have a copy saved of a particular workplace rant. This one was sent by the president of the company, a few months before I left that job. The commentary at the end is my contemporaneous commentary from when I shared this with friends.

    Subject: Message from the Office of Mr. Scrooge

    All,

    I don’t mean to dampen the festive spirit here in the office today (which is something I quite enjoy) but the flurry of Re: Monday Schedule tells me in January we need to review and possibly update a number of company policies that people have been forgetting about. The most important ones are in the OFT folder -> Policies & Procedures. In particular, the policy governing Paid Time Off (PTO).

    Just to put my Scrooge hat on for a minute, each employee costs the Company money every hour of your employment…this include not only the salary and benefits we pay you, but also the PTO that you accrue. PTO is accounted for in the same way as wages…accrued but unused PTO is carried on the Company books as a liability because it is paid out as cash when you leave the Company. A review of PTO accrued and used each year is an area that our auditors examine very closely each year – this is part of the reason why the accuracy of your Click Time reports are so important.

    If you review your Offer Letters and the PTO policy document you can see how many hours of PTO you accrue each month – remember these are hours paid in addition to paid sick time, nine paid holidays, and the eight paid days between Christmas and New Years. By any measure, our PTO policies are very generous but this generosity also costs us an enormous amount of money each year. I’m not saying you don’t deserve it but this generosity comes with a few simple rules:

    – You can’t take it in your first three months of employment
    – You can’t take it when it hasn’t yet been earned.
    – You can’t “borrow” it from the future
    – You ask for it five days in advance, you don’t announce it
    – And sometimes your request may not be approved

    We don’t have a lot of formal rules here and I like it that way, but we will be reviewing this issue when we get back from break and coming up with a more rational system.

    With that, all announcements made in regard to Monday are hereby approved by Yours Truly.

    Ebeneezer

    I did not change so much as a single word of the email nor of the subject line. So at least he has something of a sense of humor about it, but seriously, WTF? I always thought that the flurry of emails was to let the whole office know, as requests for leave would not be sent out to the entire company. I can’t imagine that no one is asking for time off — are we seriously supposed to ask President personally each time? (The guidelines say that a “senior manager” must approve the time off — mine was approved by my direct boss, who’s a VP.)

    I’m just flabbergasted that he felt that this was something that needed to go out to the entire company.

  224. Troubadour of Truth*

    This was in response to a fairly ordinary email trying to gently pass on news to the team about the need for everyone to try to get more project work to work on rather than office overhead work. This response email was just one rant among many sprayed to an appalled audience. I removed identifying details.

    ————-
    I find your message to be ill-timed, disheartening, and disturbing, to say the least.
     
    As my Oracle timesheets attest, I am not abusive of overhead numbers. However, as luck would have it, is preparing six proposals between now and mid-month. At the request of both and this week, I have been assisting those efforts. My work on one of these proposals——is scheduled to continue through September 11. , who is heading this proposal delivery, is out of the office today through next Wednesday. , Project Manager, Impact Assessment and Planning (based in ) is the point person in ‘s absence. (in ) also is assisting and may know the estimated contract cost, but I don’t have a figure to give you. (If you have a Salesforce license, you may click here to review the record: .)
     
    If the details that I currently supply on my Oracle timesheet are inadequate, please advise. I keep impeccable private records with details of the exact times that I use for project work, in addition to my Oracle timesheet. In reality, almost all of the administrative time that I spend on any -related work is not charged, reflecting a personal decision that I made several years ago.
     
    Please advise , , and () that you need to be contacted before I can work on a proposal effort, or if they need to find someone else to continue my ongoing efforts.
     
    To the extent possible, I believe all members of our team (yourself included) have endeavored to meet the Delivery Excellence goals set by . Although I work remotely, I have continued to find billable work for myself and others from multiple offices, despite the lack of coordination at any management level.
     
    has ( as its senior management support services voice. , , has confirmed to me that we do not have a similar senior management lead in our region. To me, this is a glaring omission in the “Integration” process. It is little wonder that your “shouting” to upper management has not been heard. Perhaps a petition should be considered, signed by all of the support staff “gang,” requesting appointment of an individual to be our “voice” at a senior management level.
     
    Performance metrics can be measured only when everyone is in alignment about the targets and avenues to achieve them. goals are set just prior to the next calendar year. This sudden “push” to increase utilization disregards the inability of support staff to direct personal workloads. You can attempt to “drill” all you like, but your efforts to increase utilization numbers may be better served elsewhere.
     
    It is in the long-range best interests of to maintain the highest possible professional standards for high-quality deliverables. Nationally and especially in , deliverables must meet legal requirements. All engineering and planning companies have to comply, at their peril. Your information about the recent office audit is astounding, shocking, and unacceptable.
     
    Your message feels like truly undeserved harassment. I have worked in good faith for for over 5 years. My annual performance reviews reflect the high levels of support service that I have continued to render. If we are being unfairly treated, legal avenues are open to challenging all threats of termination of employment.

    1. Troubadour of Truth*

      Whoops! I used carets to indicate where identifying info would be and those were edited out during submission.

  225. Epiphany_Addict*

    I was working the cigarette counter in a small-ish supermarket a few years ago. One afternoon, an older gentleman walked purposefully up to my counter, a folded sheet of A4 in his hands. This he handed to me in a conspiratorial fashion, saying “Something for you to read on your tea break.” He then left, without another word and without buying anything, and melted away into the crowd.

    When I unfolded the sheet of paper, what I found appeared to be a long, handwritten protest poem, which I have kept ever since and transcribed below :

    ALL FOR A WORTHLESS PENNY

    Listen you retailers who pretend to give us excellent value all the time.
    When are you going to stop fooling us what that meaningless number nine?
    We shoppers are so fed up in being foolishly treated as your stupid imbeciles
    with 99, 9.99 and 99.99 and your so called value for money deals.
    Petrol sellers are just as bad with their 0.9 pence. I call it a greedy retail crime,
    branding us as stupid fools with diesel priced at one thirty nine point nine!
    Banks are at it too with a stingy interest rate 0.09. might there be a 0.009? That would be financial slime.
    Furniture retailers show an absurdly price tag of £999.99!
    They see us as idiots too Is it more tempting than £1000? To swear I do decline.
    Then there’s Euronics. Double cooker £1,199.99. A whole penny less!
    They too see us a simpletons and what they think of us is anyone’s guess.
    They are holding onto something that has no common sense. Are they perhaps a little deranged?
    Can’t they see the daftness that’s backfiring on them. Their nines have so embarrassingly aged.
    But, happiy some prices have been rounded up. Some have seen the light and we are well pleased.
    To see those silly nines disappear and a few guilty consciences well and truly seized.
    And you must have heard the voices comparing prices with £1.99 for this and £2.99 for that.
    And “I got this for 99p. It was £1.99 last week.” It’s awful to the ears and just comical, boring chat.
    And surey those people responsible must get awfully bored having to speak of 9.99 and 99.99.
    Coud a top executive be on a salary of £99,999?
    Well of course he will be. They couldn’t drop the 9. That would be a very bad sign.

    Whoever you are, Mr Anonymous Poet, you made my day!

    1. Fred*

      Weird

      But seriously, is there someone who can explain this 9.99 thing? Everybody says this is a kind of marketing thing. The theory goes that people are stupid enough to believe the thing is cheaper. But I don’t for a moment believe anybody falls for it.

      1. Epiphany_Addict*

        I have vague memories of an older colleague telling me at the time that it’s a hangover from the days of pre-computerised tills. If a customer gave you exactly the right amount of cash, then there was technically no need to open the till and unscrupulous people might be tempted to just discreetly pocket the money. On the other hand, if they needed give a penny change each time, then they would always have to put the cash in the till while the customer was watching.

        Not sure of the truth in that, but it’s an interesting idea.

        1. Artemesia*

          I don’t think so. It is a standard marketing ploy and always have been because some people will read 9.99 as it costs 9 dollars when it actually costs ten.

      2. orchidsandtea*

        I don’t think it’s a stupidity thing, more an unconscious anchoring thing—three digits is anchored to other smaller three-digit numbers, so it can feel more within reach than four digits, making $1001 feels bigger than $999 even if it’s a minute difference in real money. There are interesting studies on price perception that confirm people genuinely think Groceries R Us is cheaper than Llamariffic Groceries, when they’re not, just because GrocRUS does key non-price things better. And it’s not a stupidity thing, it’s a priming thing: xyz factors convince the brain to recognize good prices and overlook bad.

      3. TLake*

        Completely a marketing thing there are studies out there that show people interpret that 9.99 cost 9 not 10 dollars, and therefore believe they are paying less. I believe there is a documentary are maybe a article explaining pricing tactics and how stores get customers to spend more money then they intend to by tacking .95 and .99 at the end of a price instead of using whole dollar amounts, because people tend to stop reading the price when they get to the decimal.
        Except gasoline price thing, that pricing falls under the Revenue Tax Act of 1932, establishing a federal excise tax on gasoline of 1/10th of a cent and became standard practice for stations to display prices in fractions as well in the US.

  226. dazyndara*

    Totally late on this, but too funny not to share…
    I work in the procurement team of a large and diverse government department, with a internal “catalogue” that users can purchase through. As part of consolidating our business we changed from getting coffee from one supplier to getting it from another supplier that we had more business with. New supplier supplies a different brand of (substantially similar quality) coffee.

    Apparently this was the most egregious change ever possible, given the response we got from one of the employees out in the regions.

    First we receive an email along the lines of “How DARE you change from [CoffeeX] to [CoffeeY]? Everyone prefers CoffeeX, so the only reason for this change is that you are OBVIOUSLY getting some kickbacks from CoffeeY. This is so unethical, if I don’t have CoffeeX restored immediately I will be escalating this issue further”

    We thought this was entertaining and ridiculous, and told our managers just in case he did escalate it to them. But no, that would be far too logical. Instead, not even 30 minutes after the first email, he cc’s us all in on an email TO THE CEO.
    Emailing the CEO of this 8,000 employee department.
    Because he didn’t like the coffee we provide.
    Needless to say, there was no response from the CEO.

  227. Nobody*

    I’m a little late to this party, but I saw a good rant recently from one of my coworkers. We have some equipment that’s used by several people, and there are certain parts (I’ll call them widgets) that wear out after a few weeks of use. It’s considered common courtesy to replace the widgets (which takes 10-15 minutes) before they wear out to the point of being unusable. In this case, the last person to use the equipment left the widgets completely worn out, and the next person was pissed. He sent the following rant to everyone in the department, including all the managers:

    “This morning, I went to [use the equipment] and found that all four of the [widgets] were completely used up. This is not the first time I have been set up in this manner and I do not appreciate it. It’s a shame that good oxygen from this earth is being wasted on an individual who would set somebody up like this.”

  228. Anon for This One*

    When I read this email now–pasted into this forum and re-read–it doesn’t sound so bad. However, it doesn’t actually capture the oppressive nature of him/environment…
    ==
    Please be advised that our working hours are from 8:30 to 5:30 (minimum). In particular, I’ve noticed that the 8:30 start time is not being adhered to by many of you. Also, for those of you that are here on a contracting basis and are being paid hourly, I’m not a fan of seeing you leave (or arrive) as the sweep second hand approaches your targeted time to the second. For those of you that have hours that are different than 8:30 to 5:30, the same concepts apply, just with the those different hours.
    Now we are all adults……that being said, if you need to leave at exactly 5:30 on occasion or even earlier, don’t worry about it. In fact, no need to even tell me if I happen to be in your line of sight as you are leaving; just go. Also, some of you may have personal issues that require you to leave or arrive “on the dot” every day. That’s fine also as long as I am aware of the situation and it’s not on both ends of the spectrum (arrival and departure). What I am trying to address here are the habitual offenders. I notice those folks and I do not base my assumptions on one or two incidents.

    2. CM*

      Ugh. I’m so grateful to Alison for her consistent stance that you shouldn’t give people a hard time about when they come and go. Also, what’s up with “our working hours are from 8:30 to 5:30, but if you’re working from 8:30 to 5:30, that’s not acceptable.”

      1. Anon for This One*

        Yes! And ESPECIALLY for contractors, shouldn’t we arrive on time and leave on time??? Man that was a tough place to work…………..

  229. Anon anon anon*

    This is a cover letter, names changed to protect the innocent. I felt and still feel really sorry for the person involved, but rant cover letters are not going to get him/her a job. (sorry for length!)

    Wakeen is looking for better a better life and better career opportunities outside Westeros and is looking to relocate to Braavos. Braavos is more open and has a lot more ‘fair’ opportunities career wise and is a larger economy with more industries and work. There is also a lot of racism in Westeros and the level of social acceptance is very low. They say that this country is multicultural but that is not at all the case – racism is a lot more pronounced and open in this country. Over the past 7 years that Wakeen has resided in Westeros, Wakeen has heard a lot of racial taunts, discriminations and remarks. There is also no equal opportunity in terms of employment, acceptance at work place etc. and there is a lot of social intolerance. Wakeen has himself experienced numerous instances and has also heard from other people about ‘non-cooperation’ and social isolation at the workplace. Westerosi invite you to study, invest and live in their country but they will not accept you. The will socially, even in the workplace avoid you, they are a very inclusive society and Wakeen does not wish to waste his ambition, drive, and career in such a land. After completing two degrees (a masters and a diploma and getting >70% average GPA), Wakeen found it extremely difficult to get work in Westeros, even having prior work experience – they reason is not that there was anything wrong with Wakeen but the reason was that Westerosi will not give jobs to other nationals. The agencies bring students from foreign countries promising them that there are a lot of jobs and Campus Interviews etc. but in reality this is not the case, it is all a money making business, there are no jobs here, there are no campus interviews, and Westerosi will not accept other people, Wakeen has worked with every culture in the world, but found it extremely difficult to adapt to the Westerosn Culture. Every feedback Wakeen has heard about Westerosn’s have been negative. All of Wakeen’s friends have left the country. In his first job in Brisbane, from its very inception, Wakeen was harassed and made to feel uncomfortable by being drawn into a room by a higher ranking official and was asked to look for other opportunities and being asked to leave – though Wakeen had done nothing. Wakeen was also harassed every day by another Senior Project Manager and two other senior staff members – the main intention was that Wakeen leaves and Wakeen noticed that every other person was a Westerosi. Wakeen found this quite surprising as Wakeen had been hired for work and all Wakeen wanted to do was work and earn some experience. When Wakeen raised this to the proper channels – nothing was done about it. Wakeen quietly endured this harassment for 6 months, after which Wakeen was forced to leave. The event left a very bad experience on Wakeen’s mind after which Wakeen was unemployed for 10 months. South Westeros is said to be the most racist state in the world – the same is confirmed in the Museum in King’s Landing – Wakeen was not informed about this when the professor of Kings Landing University lied and ‘lured’ Wakeen to study in South Westeros with false hopes and investing a HUGE sum of money. Wakeen did some menial work at some places and observed that this intolerance was prevalent in all places with varying degrees.

    Wakeen struggled really hard for those 10 months and it came to a point where Wakeen started fearing for his life again and again as he was homeless and sleeping in front of peoples staircases at 2 Degrees at night without adequate protection, being socially rejected and isolated, laughed at by Westerosi, having no food to eat and having to eat berries from trees and drink water from taps (from where peoples dogs drank water) to survive and having had to depend on the mercy of strangers for food and nourishment and to find shelter did not leave a very good impression about Westerosi and Westerosi culture in Wakeen’s mind. Hailing from a decent, cultured and educated family Wakeen really did not expect that this sort of trickery and cruelty could be shown by humans for little personal gain (Universities making money from foreign students by giving them false hopes of jobs). There is a lot of unhappiness in this country because of unacceptance and intolerance of other cultures.

    Education, knowledge and intelligence are not given any weightage in this country. Almost all of the friends Wakeen graduated with; have migrated to other countries. The Dole system did not help Wakeen as he was not a citizen when he was looking for employment. It was quite astonishing that having proper education and prior work experience and trying ‘extremely hard’ Wakeen was not even able to secure even one interview even in supermarkets for menial jobs. Wakeen has been the only one from his university amongst international students who has been able to get a decent job. Wakeen and many others were given false hopes and promises of jobs/campus interviews but we arrived to Westeros we found that they were all false.

    Hence Wakeen would like to make it clear to his next potential employer and the person who would be reading this cover letter that Wakeen is not responsible for his unemployment during the period between Dec 2009 – Sept 2010. Wakeen has only struggled as he was tricked and would request the HR person reading this to give Wakeen an opportunity to make a decent career- after all Wakeen is well educated and has experience with a top consulting firm.

    People come to Westeros with a lot of hopes, dreams and ambitions but they are turned to dust due to racism/their policies/non-co-operation etc. Wakeen is still young and strong and has a lot of potential, drive and desire to do a good job, which can be seen from the experience/skills/training/education and positive client feedback that Wakeen has acquired throughout his career. Wakeen is not trying to draw sympathy, but Wakeen has realised that it is better to fight in a country where equal opportunities are given and things are not so biased.

    Wakeen would also like to mention that he wishes to work with an employer that appreciates hard work, ethics, drive in a person, the ability to lead and courage as these are the personal values with which Wakeen has framed his life. Wakeen has all that it takes to provide excellent delivery, lead a team, work within a team, engage senior stakeholders, partner with Senior Management and Wakeen is also extremely good at articulating Business processes, negotiations, etc. Wakeen does not wish to keep struggling in vain in a country dominated by racist policies; rather Wakeen wishes to channelize his efforts to contribute towards the productivity of a more tolerant nation.

    Hence Wakeen would request the HR person/recruiter/potential employer reading this to kindly consider and if possible give Wakeen a fair chance for a fair career which would enable Wakeen to lead a proper and decent human life. One should not discriminate against others because they just don’t like them, or because of their skin colour – it’s unfair and demonstrates utmost cruelty – it destroys people’s lives. Wakeen is not ranting or being negative in this cover letter but just stating the facts. Wakeen has great resilience and a lot of patience and tolerance, but realises that it is important to leave this country to progress in his life.

    Wakeen only hopes that the person and potential employer reading this cover letter has the depth to understand this and gives Wakeen a fair go for a fair career and equal opportunities.
    All Wakeen wants is a fair non –racist/discriminating opportunity.

  230. ShoeRuiner*

    One email and one voicemail story.

    I once had someone call and leave a voicemail, cursing me out, and then call back to leave another voicemail, apologizing. I just laughed.

    Now the email. My coworkers and I had to review some files and put them back in alphabetical order. I arrived first and got the files out for everyone, and while I was doing my review, kept them in order. A few other people came in and didn’t pay as much attention to the order, but no big deal, becasue they can be put back correctly easily. As I left I asked reminded the few remaining to please put them back in order so I wouldn’t get blamed for it. The next day we get a frustrated email from the admin that they were replaced willy-nilly. I emailed the group who had been there, and asked if the last person to leave could go back and rearrnage the files.
    Well. You’d think I suggested some awful crime. One woman sent an email to the whole office, including poeple who weren’t involved, about how unfair that was, we were all messing up the files, and how dare anyone blame the last person in the room, and some other nonsense. There were all caps, underslines, bolds, you name it. It was so awkward. No one said anything back to her. It was such a clear overreaction.

  231. AceFisch*

    My first post-collegiate job I worked as an editorial asst. for a small town newspaper, and we’d often get inflammatory letters to the editor from angry readers. For legal reasons, we kept all the correspondence in case any actual threats ensued.

    One day the editor got an angry voicemail and asked me to transcribe it so we could keep a physical copy on file. He emailed it to me and I had to sit at my desk and listen to this irate man yell into the phone, and his grand threat? “I know people, who can use computers to…change pictures. They can take your face and put it on animals, and make it look like you’re doing things to animals.”

    He threatened to photoshop the editor’s head into an image of bestiality. Didn’t even DO it, just vaguely threatened it. I actually, audibly laughed.

    1. CM*

      I am so glad I checked this thread again because this is hilarious. I know a guy who can do stuff with computers, and you are going to be so sorry!

  232. MJ*

    I had just started a new job, running a major program at a huge nonprofit organization. In my new role, I would supervise a team of a dozen dedicated volunteers, whose support was absolutely essential to the project. I invited them all to a “happy hour” meet-and-greet on the Friday of my first week, to brainstorm and discuss plans for the coming months. One volunteer, a middle-aged man, was weirdly aggressive with his suggestions and said everything in a really sarcastic tone, even though there was nothing to be sarcastic about.

    The next morning, I opened my email to find a 5000-word rant from him, sent at 3 am. It detailed:
    – his rage that I had gotten the job instead of him
    – the many ways he was more qualified for the job
    – the many ways that I was unqualified for the job. Since he didn’t know me at all, these included things like my age, accent, breast size, and hair color, and a lot of gender-based assumptions about my skillset.
    – the many reasons that both my project and our whole organization (a highly successful pillar of social services in our community) were doomed to failure
    – these reasons included a whole lot of racist and classist assumptions about the people the organization served
    – a prediction (or hope?) that we would all eventually be murdered by rioters motivated by fury at our failures
    – a very civil conclusion stating that in light of all this he would no longer be able to volunteer

    He cc’d all of the other volunteers, my supervisor, the CEO and all the senior directors, and the person who had previously held my job. I later found out that he had tweeted a few hundred highlights from the email at my organization and my predecessor.

    At the time, I found it equal parts hilarious, horrifying, freaky, and baffling, but in the end it really helped cement my relationships with the other volunteers, so… thanks, angry ex-volunteer?

  233. Wednesday*

    Years ago, in my early twenties, I was working at a retail supplement company in a mall. I have lots of stories (as most retail workers do), but one customer stands out in particular.
    She came in semi-regularly, always wild-eyed and -haired and would always purchase “Detox” items. We kept these in a lock-box to prevent people from stealing them to pass drug tests (they don’t work like that anyway). I had gotten her collection of items from the box and up to my register so I could start ringing her up, when suddenly she just lost it. She was always a little odd, but this was over-the-top.
    She told me that the government was leaking poisonous gas into her house because she knew things and she had to detox to save her life. She was also convinced that she had been abducted (I’m not sure if it was aliens or the government again) and experimented on repeatedly. That was the most I could make out and she was coming over the counter towards me. I wasn’t worried for my physical safety, but you can’t manhandle a customer.
    The burly guy from the jewelry store next door came around the corner with an oh-so-casual “Hey Wednesday. How’s it going over here?” The lady suddenly went quiet, paid me quickly and ran out with her bags with a suspicious look at Burly Guy. After she was gone, he asked if I was alright and if we should alert security.
    I didn’t think she was a physical danger to anyone, but pretty sure something was wrong there. I didn’t see her again either after that.

  234. NaoNao*

    I once had a rather high-strung boss who was very overworked and stressed out. She managed a group of people who were notorious for not completing their timesheets on time, and then asking for corrections and backpay over and over.
    I’ll never forget, after a few months of increasingly harsh reminder emails, I get an email with the subject line “YOU’RE FIRED!” Body of email: “Now that I have your attention, please complete and turn in your timesheets before EOB today.”

    …woah. That gave me more than a few grey hairs as I was not in my home country, I was overseas on a work visa and it would have been a major crisis to be fired.

    1. Anonicat*

      That’s horrible!

      We had a funnier version of that when I was working on a team funded by a Gates Foundation grant. The lab manager sent an email with the subject line “Upcoming visit from Bill and Melinda Gates” and the body “now that I have your attention” reminding us to do our rostered chores for the month (de-ice the freezers, restock glasswear etc).

  235. Totally Not Giving my Identity Away on this One*

    I once worked on a political campaign that required phone banking from lower-level staff (of which I was one) to “get out the vote”. This can be tiring, miserable work and you start to kind of lose your mind after hours/days/weeks/months of being hung up on and cursed at. We all took our turns phone banking (a rotation since we all had other work) and never asked others to cover our shift or help us unless it was an emergency like illness or something. Well…until this one phone banker came along…she put in something like one hour and then came out and asked all of us to help her get through her list faster because it was terrible work. Nobody would because they had already put in their phone bank time. She threw a fit. Started screaming and throwing things, then marched off. We all kind of raised our eyebrows, but moved on…until she came back with a heavy old-fashioned desk phone and threw it into the middle of our work group, damaging the ceiling and narrowly missing one person’s head. She then started screaming again and picking up anything in arm’s reach to throw at us. We scattered when she picked up a big heavy chair.

  236. Isabel C.*

    Not email, and secondhand, but:

    Back in The Day, I temped at a college admissions office. We had some interesting callers (like the guy, applying for *grad school*, who spelled his name using different body parts in place of the “C as in Charlie” usual lingo) but the rantiest was a student’s mom who called because her daughter was at the college and having some kind of issue with her RA and/or hadn’t called her back in a week. She was also Very Upset because female students could have boys over after ten on weeknights and “…I’m not a prude or anything, but that’s not right.”

    It was *so* good for everyone that I wasn’t the person actually taking that phone call.

  237. Brett*

    I don’t have access to the email anymore, but the context is much more important than the email itself.

    I was working for a police department. The guy who sent the email worked in the 911 secure area, which had direct access to the state and federal courthouses. There was one bathroom shared by the 911 operators and his group. He already had a reputation for anger issues and being generally unhinged, thanks to a previous incident where he asked to borrow a sergeant’s unloaded firearm so he could “teach his son a lesson” after his son threatened suicide.

    This email was a reply all to a department wide funeral notice for the relative of another employee. So yeah, the chain is “The of passed away on Wednesday. Services will be held Saturday for those who wish to attend. The family requests donations to ….” and then an email that says:

    “I left my knife in bathroom and it is gone now. It is ten inches long and black. Tell me if you have it.”

  238. Anansi*

    I work in government and our office used to have a “whistleblower” hotline/email where people across the country could write in about government misconduct. Except most of the people who wrote in were not whistleblowers, they were just angry. One woman wrote in with a very long and incoherent rant about how she thinks all of her doctors are tax cheats and she reported them to the IRS and the IRS didn’t do anything about it (there’s a law where if the IRS investigates and recovers taxes, the whistleblower gets the cut, so this is pretty common and a LOT of the time it’s just people trying to make money). I investigate her case and find that she has no evidence. So I call her, but her voice mail is full so I email and say that unfortunately we’ve reviewed her case but can’t help. Didn’t hear from her for three months so I figured everything was ok.

    Boy was I wrong.

    One day, I come back from a meeting to find that I have THIRTY-EIGHT VOICE MAILS. In an hour. It’s her! I assume there must be some type of emergency and call her, only to get the full voice mail message. Then I listened to her messages.

    “PICK UP THE PHONE. I KNOW YOU ARE THERE. YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO YOUR BOSS AND SHOULD BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY FOR NOT HELPING ME.”

    “YOU BITCH! I can’t believe you would do this to me! You are the WORST person I have EVER TALKED TO! How dare you say you can’t help me! I am a whistleblower! I have rights! You should be put in jail for not fixing this for me!”

    “I NEED MONEY NOW. You need to fix my case RIGHT AWAY AND GIVE ME MY MONEY! You damn bitch! You don’t know me, you don’t know my life!”

    “I AM A NICE PERSON but you are the most AWFUL PERSON I HAVE EVER DEALT WITH! I hate you! You have ruined my life! YOU’RE GIVING ME CANCER! I hate you!”

    She called my boss the next day and was the sweetest, nicest person on the phone. He said he couldn’t help her, and she said OK and never called again.

  239. Anarchivist*

    I’m staffing the reference desk in the Art & Music section of a large urban library. A very unhappy young man, who had earlier laid into my co-worker about a printing problem, starts yelling at me about that, and our lack of responsiveness to that, and the fact that he has a print job in the queue but no money on his card to pay for it, and that we’re racist because he’s black, and that we’re homophobic because he’s gay, and everything else that’s gone wrong for him lately. He’s upset, sweating, almost but not quite incoherent. I nod, try a few soothing phrases, and press the panic button under the desk.

    Within minutes, three peace officers show up. Calm and smooth, the lead asks the patron, “Now, son, tell me what’s wrong?” Hyperventilating, sweating, in high dudgeon, he jabs the accusing finger in my direction and gasps, “Ugly white vagina devil!”

    I’m very proud to say that I somehow managed not to laugh out loud.

  240. anon mouse*

    I used to work at the help desk for a big university. Here is one of my favorite stories, paraphrased:

    One June, I got a call from Jon Snow about the fact that the wireless internet in his residence had stopped working. Jon was renting a room in a fraternity house over the summer. I let Jon know that the university doesn’t own all of the buildings we provide internet services for, we don’t own most of the fraternity/sorority houses, and so we would probably have to get in touch with the appropriate fraternity brothers in order to get into this building and fix the internet. I ask if Jon knows which brother(s) are handling utilities and such for the house this summer.

    Jon tells me he’s living at The Wall, which was suspended a few months ago for underage drinking. This means that while The Wall still owns the building, all the brothers have been required to move out. I told Jon it might take us a little bit of digging to find somebody who can let us into the house.

    After the call, I sent an email to Jon from the help desk ticketing system, saying “I’m following up on our phone conversation just now…your university ticket number is…” and so forth.

    Jon replies:

    Dear Mouse,

    Please ensure the internet in The Wall is fixed by close of business today. It is important to my academic and professional well-being. You are disrupting my lifestyle.

    Sincerely,

    Jon Snow
    ’12 MBA Candidate, way-less-famous university

  241. Sarah G*

    Here’s a favorite of mine from a few years back. This middle-aged white male compares himself to Rosa Parks in a resignation email cc’d to our entire organization of 500+ people!

    Subject: Resignation Letter
    cc: [Everyone]
    To: Veruca Salt
    Program Manager
    Re: Resignation from My Position (Two-Week Notice: effective XX/XX/XXXX)

    ‘If you see something very clearly, it becomes compelling.’
    Raymond Damadian

    Following our last conversation, and subsequent reflection, I realized that the Teapot Assistance Program at [Nonprofit Organization X] is no longer a place I want to be. Recognizing that a reasonable outcome from you and your supervisor was impossible, because of information I’ve gathered from several other employees, I have entirely vacated my office. All that remains are the bare essentials needed to continue necessary work during my final two weeks, per regulations.

    Your tenure, that began with energy, promise and vision, has largely deteriorated under the pressures of chronic work overloads, until you have turned into a demanding micromanager, dictating and overseeing even the most mundane of details, and casting aside the styles, established routines, and preferences of your staff. Using dismissiveness, sarcasm and contempt, as your tools, you have bullied me into perplexed submission, imposing loads impossible to bear. Then, to top it off, as I was staggering under these crushing loads, you sniped at me from behind, criticizing my every move, and belittling my professional judgment, whenever it deviated in the slightest from yours. Friendly fire from my own commander while in the firefight of my life!

    The way you carry yourself, the way you refer to yourself as ‘the golden girl’, the way you churn out new programs to add to the ones we are supposed to be leaving behind, while being fully engaged in implementing them, it is clear you feel entitled. In your judgment, whatever crosses your fancy is infinitely superior to any of the ideas of your fellows.

    I now fully identify with Rosa Parks who was too tired one day to take her place at the back of the bus. I, too, will require that I be treated with respect on any subject whatsoever – no exceptions! I’m using strong language, in part because you do, and in part because you don’t seem to register any concerns expressed in ways that could pass as mannerly. I know because I’ve tried. Micromanagers, per an article on Dictionary.com, inevitably target their most competent and productive workers. That made no sense until I realized that competent workers have the most independent judgment, and are most likely to be the ones to say ‘NO’ to arbitrary authority. When subservience is the order of the day, people with healthy egos must go. They present the most dangerous challenge of all.

    In our case, the prevailing management attitude is, ‘Forget the interests and affections of [our organization’s disadvantaged target population], finding their first real family in years. Their loss is insignificant compared to the importance of maintaining full secrecy and control in the organization. ‘Comrades, circle the wagons!’

    I would never have written or had to write this scathing missive, if management had already listened to the sincere, clear and the direct appeals by previous victims of wrathful micromanagers. So they deserve no mercy now. They’ve given none and will receive none. The ‘code of silence’ only protects their arbitrary exercise of power. Julian Assange has arrived.

    So I am joining the growing exodus of workers from [Nonprofit X]. There is nowhere to go in this organization to remedy bad supervision. There is no mechanism for putting a dysfunctional or out-of-control boss on probation. All discipline is one-way. As one of you on this cc list recently told another staff member, before hearing her complaints about gross supervisory abuse: ‘Before we get started, I want you to know that
    I always support my supervisors.’ And so it proved to be. She was summarily fired. The most effective and productive member of her team, the one most beloved by her clients and even the clients of others was gone, without public explanation. Had she been unethical? Had she careless abandoned the clients who loved her without explanation, or run off to Mexico with a consumer? No one will ever know.

    This letter is to let you – and everyone else – know why I am leaving. The amount of heartfelt sympathy I am receiving on every hand thoughout the agency tells me I am definitely not alone. Someone is asleep at the switch, and protecting the management team with a code of silence, a team above any law the rest of us must live by.

    If I am a mad crackpot, all of you who receive this letter (since I’ve sent it to ‘everyone’) will kindly understand that I’ve had a nervous breakdown. It’s happened before in my family tree. Yet if you find that it resonates, then spread the word, press for respectful treatment, if you can. Facebook and Twitter are possible next targets. They have done a lot this year to free the masses in the Middle East. It wouldn’t hurt to use it here in the States, where the wealthy successfully shirk taxes despite polls saying them electorate want they to do their share, where Casey Anthony somehow lost her daughter without any involvement, and where the working class is being squeezed out by aggressive legislators. The return of the 19th century barons is upon us. What is happening here at the [Nonprofit X] is only symptomatic of what is happening in the larger society. Our leaders are no more jealous of their own narrow interests than are those anywhere else. It’s time to call them on it.

    Yes, in writing this letter I have no idea how things will turn out. No one ever does. Yet it needed to written, because, as Abraham Lincoln observed, ‘We either hang together or hang separately.’ I’ve cleared my conscience, demonstrated my love for everyone of goodwill, on every level, who works here, and shown my devotion to the voiceless clients who depend on our services. My anger is only being used in this service.

    Finally, Veruca, in view of our shared commitment as professions, I am committed to the best interests of our charges, and, despite my feelings, can work on any reasonable task assigned me during my remaining days here. All you have to do is revert to your reasonable, creative side and I will willingly cooperate. Your warm, caring and insightful self is someone I still appreciate and admire. I will continue to arrive at 7:30 AM and leave at 4:00 PM, per our agreement. (No more 4 PM supervisions, as we have had in the past, of course.)

    I hope for better days than the ones that have forced me to write this letter. In addition to the general email, this letter has been officially delivered to Human Resources, as of 3 PM this afternoon. Strange thing! My heart is pounding as I prepare to push ‘Send’ on my computer! Yet, why shouldn’t it?

    Sincerely,
    Socialworker McCrazy
    Licensed Clinical Case Manager
    Teapot Assistance Program
    Nonprofit Organization X

    Cc
    [Dept Director – name redacted]
    [HR Director – name redacted]
    [VP – name redacted]
    [President/CEO – name redacted]
    entire organization [note that this is over 500 people]

  242. Sarah G*

    Email from a male colleague. (Note: both our bathrooms are individual ones, not stalls.)
    “Hello Ladies,
    I want to inform you that I have decided to use the women’s bathroom full time. The men’s room is disgusting with shit and pee on the toilet seat and floor. I promise to always……
    *courtesy flush
    *put the toilet seat down
    *make sure there is toilet paper and paper towels
    *generally respect the bathroom
    If you have any questions or concerns please keep them to yourself. I look forward to becoming part of your bathroom community.”

  243. Lis*

    I was working for an ecommerce site…

    “Yeah. You confirmed receipt of my email to you on 22 January!! It’s now ALMOST THE END OF FEBRUARY!! WOULD YOU LIKE TO try answering me OR ARE YOU GOING TO continue billing me at your whim??!! Wow. TERRIBLE customer service. I’m disabled now, but I used to work for a Senator for years. I know HOW EASY IT IS to respond to phone calls & emails. DO YOUR JOB!!!”

  244. Gruntled CSR*

    Here’s a customer email from someone who was upset about being charged a shipping fee on a promotional item:

    “When it said “get a free necklace for subscribing” I believed it because you SAY you are Christians. I’m sorry to say that I found out that you lied. When you put a charge on something it isn’t free. I don’t care if you call it shipping and handling or second hand dues; if you put a charge on it then it isn’t free. You just blew your one and only chance to make a first impression. Think about this, what if you just chased me away from my only chance at salvation? Someone will be judging Jesus using your company as their yardstick and you lie. What does that say about him?

    “Any email I get from you will go straight to the Junk folder.”

    PS: Nowhere in our company anything do we say anything about Jesus or being Christian. So s/he definitely got that part wrong. I did like the “only chance at salvation” line. Wow, so much pressure there!

    1. Gruntled CSR*

      Another person unhappy about the shipping charge for a promotional item. Not sure if the Chuck Norris comment is legit or not!:

      “I will not pay for delivery of something that was suppose to be free up until you clicked to accept it and days later find out about a “small” delivery fee.

      “This is from a retired State Trooper with over 24 years of service. Do you know what you are doing is illegal and people can ban together to file a law suite against all or 1 of your companies?!
      (name)

      “PS: As Chuck Norris said as he introduced me to everyone on the Walker, Texas Ranger set when I was on the show for all of 5 seconds airtime. ‘ is a real Law Enforcement Officer, I only played one on TV!’

      “PSS: I will gladly form the civil suit for anyone and everyone who wants to join in. I extremely dislike people who break the law in any way shape or form! I was even responsible for putting another “Local Cop” with at the request of the (place name) coroner in (city, state)!”

  245. Gruntled CSR*

    A customer who wanted to unsubscribe from our emails:

    “I want to cancel my email subscription and for some reason you idiots won’t let me. I will never again contribute a penny to animal support group.

    “Your behavior is unconscionable! I am trying to clean up my email boxes and cannot cancel my email subscription. I hold grudges and pray to God for vengeance on my enemies, which has,in the past, resulted in two deaths.

    “Unsubscribe me immediately, you tree and animal hugging wackos.”

  246. Gruntled CSR*

    A customer who cares about energy prices:

    “I’VE ASKED YOU TO TAKE ME OFF YOUR MAILING LIST SEVERAL TIMES NOW, AND YET YOU STILL SEND ME E-MAILS, ASKING ME TO SIGN YOUR STUPID, LIBERAL, B.S. PETITIONS! STOP! ENOUGH ALREADY! I WILL PARTICIPATE IN THE ANIMAL RESCUE SITE, BUT NOT MANY OF YOUR DUMBASS LIBERAL CAUSES, OKAY? STOP SENDING ME YOUR CRAP ABOUT NOT DRILLING FOR OIL DOMESTICALLY!!!! ARE YOU PEOPLE TOTALLY FRIGGIN’ CLUELESS??? WE MUST DRILL HERE…DOESN’T THE CURRENT SITUATION IN THE MIDEAST GIVE YOU ANY IDEA OF WHY WE MUST DO THIS? YOU CAN’T PUT A FRIGGIN’ WIND TURBINE ON THE FRONT OF YOUR CAR! EVEN ELECTRIC CARS ARE POWERED OFF OF COAL, AND OUR REGULAR POWER GRID! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE FRIGGIN’ COFFEE!”

  247. Gruntled CSR*

    My personal favorite — the infamous Barrette Lady. This email was sent in 2004.

    “I know that you will think I am overreacting with my extreme displeasure, but I will explain why I am so disappointed in the product I received from you and am returning.

    “I ordered the fused glass hair barrette. I spent a long time on your site, and in fact, came back several times because I specifically wanted to support you. I then figured that since I was ordering one thing, I’d look around for an additional item. so i ordered two things. I was REALLY looking forward to the barrette. The package arrived today, and when I opened it, I discovered that it is NOT a barrette. A barrette has a clasp. this is a clip like a tie clip. A clip does not have a clasp, and it does NOT hold hair. This is just plain false advertising. Maybe not intentional, malicious false advertising, but it is NOT a barrette. I am sending both items back with a request for a refund of both the product cose and shipping both ways.

    “I strongly urge you to contact your supplier and have them change the description on the cards they have the CLIP attached to, because it says “barrette”.

    “I would also urge you to change the description on your site.

    “Now when I order things because I want to support an organization, I am especially disappointed when I get screwed. I expect higher standards from someone like you than I do from some ordinary merchant. So now you have caused me to waste time looking at your catalog, sending an order, being very excited about getting the order, and being HUGELY disappointed when this very pretty item turns out to be totally nonfunctional and falsely described. I expect truth, justice, and the American way from someone like you, and I will NEVER order from you again. I also had you in my email signature requesting that people click on your site. I have removed this request because I do not trust you, and I can’t in good conscience ask anyone else to have the experience I have had in having my trust betrayed.
    Now, as I said initially, you may consider this over – reaction, but I don’t have time and money to waste, and I don’t like feeling like I’m doing good by suporting someone and getting my hopes up about something I buy, only to have my trust shattered.

    “Sincerely,

    “”

  248. Gruntled CSR*

    A customer is unhappy that she was asked to help feed hungry people abroad:

    “when you get money from any source except the rich you are no better than they are. We have a pile of bills just to try and live a meager living we can’t pay, why would we want to feed starving people that:

    “1. do not believe in 1 God which our very foundation WAS built on

    “2. When we can hardly feed ourselves.

    “The food stamp program provides excessive food that is literally thrown away as the families do not need that much. They eat meat and steaks, and seafood, all the thing the poor only dream about here right under your and my noses.

    “Don’t have the guts to ask me for a dime. If I don’t have a nickel which I do not, then I sure can’t give you a dime, Contact the rich and see how they give and take it off their taxes. We are taxed to death but they can afford accountants to keep them every dime they make.

    “I pray for the bleeding heart of my Savior.

    He gave his only son to free people like you and how do you treat him?”

  249. SMH*

    Our college sends out an orientation/welcome back magazine to students before the start of every school year. It contains advertising, mostly for food, shopping and entertainment venues that cater to college students. Occasionally it also includes advertising from various groups promoting things like AIDS testing awareness, birth control, pregnancy care, etc.–all of which could be of potential interest to college students. (Or if you’re offended, or not interested, you can turn the page.) One college mom called me and screamed for 15 minutes about how much she objected to what I thought was a low-key ad for birth control. She did not object because of religion–but because, in her words, “COLLEGE is NOT THE PLACE for my daughter to be exposed to INFORMATION!!!”

  250. Regina*

    I work in a federal constituency office, and we have this one lady who calls in once or twice every few weeks to complain that Justin Trudeau has ‘stolen her ovaries’ and that she knows the gov’t/our office is planning on kidnapping her and will alert the authorities promptly.

    I keep telling her to go ahead but for some reason they never bother to investigate. :P

  251. PABJ*

    The e-mail rant I got from one of my coworkers because the winner of our annual tea cozy design contest stopped by to pick up her tea cozy that we made based on her design but they couldn’t find it. My coworker basically wrote that she felt so sorry for the person because they had to ask her to come back later and would I please call her(the winner) to apologize and explain what happened.

    This was made more funny because I wasn’t the person in charge of the contest and the tea cozies were sitting right on top of the desk of the person who was(we had an open office plan). Also, I was giving an informal presentation at the time and she could have just asked me in person since I did know that they were there. This coworker also had the tendency to play the martyr card and always stayed late and worked on her days off even though her supervisor told her repeatedly that she didn’t need to stay late all the time. And the winner was in our office practically every day since we were a public service organization and she worked nearby.

    The whole thing was resolved the next day when the winner came by. I just went to the desk where the tea cozies were and gave them to her. She didn’t seem upset at all.

  252. LDNGAL*

    We once had a colleague leave and he sent the most hilarious blaze of glory email ever to every member of staff in the company, along with a 3000 word document sent to his manager, the CEO and the board, basically explaining how none of the failings with his role were his fault and personally attacking various members of the team (some valid, vast majority not).

    The guy came in like a wrecking ball trying to change everything without first trying to get the lay of the land, and alienated pretty much everyone in team in the process. A few months in, clearly annoyed that things hadn’t gone his way, he spent the rest of his tenure sulking, shirking his responsibilities and trying to play one department off against each other, causing ill will that has taken YEARS to repair. He wasn’t let go – he finally left for a new job.

    From memory, the email opened with ‘I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure, but seeing as the last year-and-a-half has been a complete waste of my time, I don’t feel that that would be appropriate’ before making some thinly veiled personal attacks on various members of the team, and generally whining about how he’ll never get this time back, and finally concluding with ‘I’m on facebook and twitter, which is nice…’ (poking fun at people’s usual sign off including their personal details for people to stay in touch – he purposefully didn’t include his, basically saying if you see me on fb, don’t add me’.

    It still makes me cringe just thinking about it!

  253. Lovemyjob...truly!*

    This one happened to my sister but it cracked me up! My sister worked for a well known University that has historically attracted a large Jewish student population. My sister worked in the office that was responsible for fundraising. One of her tasks was to send out mailings to alumni and their families. One parent decided to write a letter back in response. According to my sister it went along the lines of “I’ll never give one red cent to your school! I sent my daughter there to get an education and to meet a nice Jewish boy and she’s ruined our family by marrying a Christian! I have contacted a lawyer and we are currently working on a case to have the funds we gave to your school refunded!”
    My sister said it was so funny that they framed it and hung it on a wall.

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