weekend free-for-all – December 10-11, 2016

by Alison Green on December 10, 2016

olive-treeThis comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school. If you have a work question, you can email it to me or post it in the work-related open thread on Fridays.)

Recommendation of the week:  A reader has requested the rum ball recipe I mentioned way back in 2011, so I’m hereby presenting it instead of a book recommendation this week. This is actually my mom’s recipe, but I came up with the brilliant modification of doubling the rum. Note that if you do that, it makes a moister (and, uh, stronger tasting) rum ball than you may be used to, but I think it’s an improvement.

Rum balls

1 cup semi-sweet chocolate bits
3 Tb. light corn syrup
½ cup rum (double this to 1 cup)
2 ½ cups crushed vanilla wafers
½ cup powdered sugar (plus more to roll them in)
1 cup chopped nuts (I use pecans or walnuts)

Melt chocolate bits. Add corn syrup and rum. Combine water crumbs, sugar, and nuts. Add melted chocolate. Let stand for 30 minutes.

Shape into 1-inch balls. Roll in powdered sugar. Allow to ripen for three days.

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  2. Kali*

    I’m getting ready to buy a used car and I remember that someone posted a really helpful website a while ago that had a chart showing the best makes and models out there. It was an older-looking website and showed which vehicles were best over time. Of course, I forgot to save the link. Anyone remember what the website was based on my super vague description?

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      No help there, but we bought a used car yesterday, and December is a great time to buy a car, especially used! The dealerships are desperate to get the cars off the lot before the end of their fiscal year!

      1. NoMoreMrFixit*

        I once had a car sales manager admit to me that December-February was the worst time of year for car sales for just this reason. Once the new year models start coming in they’re desperate to get rid of the older models to free up lot space.

        2. Jessesgirl72*

          We bought a Sienna that has every option Toyota offered on that model year, for $5000 less than we were seeing moderate models when we started to think about buying one in August.

          The Finance guy tried to talk us into the gap coverage, claiming we lost 30% in value when we drove off the lot, and our insurance wouldn’t give us enough to replace it if we totaled it right away. We just looked at each other, and politely declined. As soon as we shut the door on the new (to us) car to go home, we laughed and had been thinking the exact same thing- this is true (ish- depends on your coverage) on a NEW car, but when we bought the car for that far below kbb value, it’s possible that if we totaled it, we’d come out ahead on the insurance claim!

          But we still got a good offer for our trade in, despite it being December, because it was a small truck, and we overheard the manager when he was appraising it say he already had a buyer for it.

        3. Anon for this*

          This is how I got a brand new car, with under 100 miles on it, from the used car dealership. Another dealership had needed to get rid of it to make space for new ones.

    2. Ms Ida*

      Consumer reports publishes reviews of used card, it is a paid site though so it doesn’t sound like what you saw before. It does look like you can subscribe for one months access. I found the reviews helpful when I was buying, it was very specific about models and years performance.

      1. CorruptedbyCoffee*

        Local li raise often have a subscription to consumer reports online and/or the print copies.

    4. fposte*

      It probably was Consumer Reports–that’s an annual list they do that’s available to the public and not just subscribers. I’ll follow with a link, but if you search “consumer reports best used cars” you’ll probably get to it.

    5. A. D. Kay*

      Google Long Term Quality Index. (didn’t want to paste a link and get caught in the spam filter). One of the guys who compiled the data writes at Jalopnik.

        1. A. D. Kay*

          You are welcome! My VW qualifies for the dieselgate buyback so this site played a major role in my decision on a replacement.

      3. SophieChotek*

        This sounds interesting. Will have to (try) remember for next time I’m in the used market for another used car.

      4. Jessesgirl72*

        Ooh, bookmarked this for later.

        Or maybe I’m just happy since it told me the model I just bought yesterday is the best in its class, by miles!

    6. zora*

      was it carcomplaints dot com? I found this when I was dealing with car repairs, but sadly too late, just after I bought my used car, which is apparently one of the worst model years of honda civics. But the site tracks repair issues by car, model and year, so you can see the most reliable year and model to look for if you are buying used. Wish I’d found it sooner!

      I’ll put the link in a reply.

    8. Gala apple*

      US News and World Reports also has helpful used car rankings. Good luck! I bought a new car a month ago. My tip: don’t do the extended warranty. It made the car several thousand more than I had wanted (but I said yes). Was a pain in the rear to get it removed.

  3. Alice Ulf*

    My big kitty is around seventeen years old and was just diagnosed with diabetes (poor guy). Giving him the insulin shots is going well, and he’s successfully made the transition from dry to canned food. I would rather not keep buying prescription food if possible, and a quick check around the intarwebs suggests that prescription food might not be necessary, so…

    Does anyone have personal experience with prescription and non-prescription canned food for an older diabetic cat? I’m definitely willing to keep paying for prescription food if that’s the best option, but I’m not fond of spending money unnecessarily.

        2. Dynamic Beige*

          Yes! The girl especially. There’s just something about her that I find especially snorgable.

      3. DoDah*

        No advice, BUT MAINE COON! Best cats–charming, fluffy, smart. I used to have one and I miss the conversational chirrups.

    2. Swan's*

      Actually yes! My very good friends, who I pet sat for, even after their kitty was diagnosed with diabetes. They fed her high quality non-prescription food and she did really well. I think their favorite brand for her was tiki cat.

    3. NJ Anon*

      Not diabetic but our cat had urinary tract issues. We found a cat food at the grocery store with similar ingredients and nutritional value as the prescription food at about a third of the cost. We’ve been using it for over a year and have not had any issues.

        1. DevManager*

          We feed our guys with UTI issues Natural Balance – any of the green pea formulas. You can usually get it from Amazon for about 26.50/12 cans.

    4. Carpe Librarium*

      I can’t offer advice on the food, but just wanted to say that our little dog was diagnosed with diabetes requiring 2x daily insulin shots, and his treatment plan worked for 4 or 5 years, until he was 14 and his heart gave him troubles.

      It can be worrying when an older pet develops a chronic condition, but here’s hoping your cat keeps on keeping on and living the good life with you for a long while yet!

      1. Carpe Librarium*

        Although new friends tended to look at me funny when I said I needed to “go home and stab the dog” until I explained the implement of stabbage was a needle full of insulin.

    6. HappyWriter*

      We were able to reverse my cat’s pre-diabetes by switching her to a high-quality, grain-free food, as recommended by my vet. We’ve used both Wellness brand grain-free wet & dry and a Blue Mountain Wilderness brand dry (simply a preference issue – you know how cats can be finicky!). She did great on them until she passed due to another, unrelated issue. Both brands are available at Petco/Petsmart or online.

      1. Lemon Zinger*

        Late to the party, but I want to also recommend Blue Mountain as a great brand. We recently put our dog on it and he’s been thriving. The grain-free formula is really essential because his breed is prone to diabetes.

      2. Jane D'oh!*

        Also here to recommend grain-free food, and a limited ingredient formula is even better. We feed Nature’s Variety Instinct Limited Ingredient Rabbit Formula.

    7. Bad Candidate*

      My cat, who passed this summer, had diabetes. IMO “prescription” vet food is not very good quality for what you pay. And further, prescription is a marketing term used by the food companies, specifically trademarked by Hill’s, not a legal requirement of distributing the food. Overall, I’m not a fan. I fed Hobbs low carb food, preferably something that was less than 10% carbs, though as low as possible was best. Within a month of switching him to this, he was “off the juice” and didn’t need insulin for the rest of his life. I would highly suggest checking out http://www.felinediabetes.com/FDMB/ it’s a message board and these people were invaluable to me and still are as I sometimes still visit. You won’t find people who say “oh I saw this on the intarwebs so it must be true” they actually do their research and educate themselves. Another good site is http://catinfo.org/ which is about feline nutrition and is written by a vet.

  4. Elle*

    Been seeing this going around and thought it was interesting so…

    What is a NON-political opinion you hold that would be considered largely unpopular?

    I’ll start: I do not enjoy sports. Don’t like watching them, don’t like playing them. Don’t like talking about them. I would rather be reading a book! In my family, I am an anomaly!

    Okay, your turn!

    1. nonynony*

      I am one of few woman I know who are adamant about not wanting kids. I don’t think it makes me less of a woman or that it is my duty in life, as some have told me. I don’t have the desire or patience to have kids and if that makes me selfish, then so be it!

      2. Lady Julian*

        +1. I also do not enjoy being around kids. Drives me *nuts* when people make the assumption that women are naturally nurturing and good with kids. If I’m nurturing, then so is a cactus. :P

        1. Mimmy*

          LOL!! I don’t like being around kids either – and this is coming from someone with NINE nieces and nephews! (I will say, though, that they are becoming more enjoyable as they get older and continue to accomplish personally and academically.)

        2. Cath in Canada*

          I like being around other people’s kids, in small doses – a couple of hours is really fun! I’ve volunteered to babysit for various nieces and nephews, and friends’ kids, or take them to the local science museum etc. I really really really like going back to my nice quiet house afterwards though.

      3. Allypopx*

        Same. I tend to be of the school of thought that one of the worst things you can do is have children if you don’t want them, that’s so unfair to the kids. If my mind changes when I’m older I plan to adopt. Definitely don’t want to *have* kids.

      4. nep*

        It’s the opposite of selfish, as far as I’m concerned. I never wanted children. I know I don’t want children. Why in heaven’s name it would be ‘unselfish’ for a woman who does not want children to bring one into the world?
        I get it — people think (I suppose?) that it’s selfish not to *want* children in the first place. Rubbish, is what I say.
        (I can’t believe someone would actually give a woman a hard time for this decision. Yikes.)

        1. Myrin*

          I’d say that if anything, the topic of what’s going to happen to – in the short term – your body and – in the long term – the rest of your life is the thing one should actually be selfish about!

          1. nep*

            Of course. What is odd is the sense in which people might call it selfish, meaning that in a negative way. Indeed it’s entirely self-serving, self-loving, self-honouring, in a way that serves me, my never-to-be child, and society.

            1. Alice Keach*

              Couldn’t agree more, nep. I have been told my decision not to have kids is selfish because apparently “it’s all about me” and means I won’t give my parents grandchildren. Really?? My parents do have grandchildren by my sibling. (It is not my mum and dad who throw this stuff at me though, just random life commenters.

          2. Lily Evans*

            What freaks me out about pregnancy is how changes to your body aren’t necessarily short-term either. I remember taking a biology gen-ed specifically about sex and pregnancy and learning about how your shoe size can change and never go back and just thinking about having to replace all of my shoes and realizing that if that seemed like too big of a sacrifice I should seriously reconsider my stance on children. And then there’s the whole you might pee a little every time you laugh or sneeze for the rest of your life and so many other things that just made me go NOPE.

              1. Mononymous*

                My shoe size went up by a half size when I gained weight due to a medication (it was a substantial amount of weight) and even though I’ve since gone off that med and lost all the weight, my shoe size never went back. I’d totally believe pregnancy can do the same.

            2. No, please*

              My dive stayed the same but I needed wide width. Then all kinds of other foot problems started after my pregnancy.

              2. HoVertical*

                Yes, it really happens. My OB person told me it’s due to a chemical/hormone/enzyme/thingy called ‘relaxin’ (for real?!), it makes the soft tissues softer and the bones less dense, s’posed to help with the actual birthing part. I wanted to know why the h-e-double hockey sticks it happened to my *feet*, since to my knowledge, no woman EVER has birthed a baby via the instep!

            3. Elder Dog*

              That pee a little thing can happen if you never have kids too. :(
              Learn about Kegel exercises early, and do them often.

            4. A Non E. Mouse*

              I went up half a shoe size as well.

              But only with kid #3. The first two my body bounced back but OMG did #3 really do a number on me. I’m still 3 sizes bigger in clothes than i was when I became pregnant, and I’m far enough out it can’t be called baby weight any more.

              As this is polite company, I’ll refrain from talking about the permanent after effects of breast feeding three children. Egads.

            5. chickabiddy*

              My feet stayed the same. However, my hair, which had been stick-straight for 32 years, started growing in curly and 15 years later it is still curly. There were other changes that I liked less than curly hair, though.

            6. Engineer Woman*

              I’d never heard of shoe size increasing either…until after mine went up and remained 1/2 size larger and then someone told me this could happen!! Not that knowing it before having kids would have prevented me from having them, but I can understand how all the bothersome aspects of pregnancy and parenthood can sway opinions or confirm decisions not to have children.

              I just don’t understand how not wanting kids is an unpopular opinion.

      7. A. D. Kay*

        Same! I got married comparatively late, and a few people who didn’t know me very well asked, “So I guess you’re having kids right away?” CUE DEATH GLARE

      9. FMLW*

        Count me in on the no kids thing. I told my mother when I was 7-years-old that I wasn’t going to have kids, I was going to get a dishwasher instead! That opinion has not changed in the intervening 48 years and…I have a very nice dishwasher.

      10. Mononymous*

        Same! Don’t want to be pregnant, don’t want to give birth, don’t want to raise a child. My husband and I are happily child-free and will likely always have fur-babies instead.

      11. anonymoushiker*

        Same! (but most don’t tell me that it makes me less of a woman/that it is my duty, just that they wish for grandkids/maybe you’ll regret it one day/things along that line)

      13. Jane D'oh!*

        If not having kids is selfish, does that mean having them is selfless? For years I have asked people to give me an example of people having kids in a selfless fashion. What would that even mean? Having them for the betterment of society despite not wanting them? People don’t make sense.

    2. New Bee*

      I know unpopular is subjective, but mine are:

      1. Asking for cash gifts at weddings is tacky.

      2. Diet Coke is gross. Regular or bust.

      2. Mints*

        Diet coke is gross! I tried for awhile, but regular coke is a billion times better. Although I have been drinking lightly flavored seltzer water lately. (It’s like 5% juice)

        2. E, F and G*

          I agree, but if I was faced with a fridge where half was full of diet pop and the other half was full of no name cola in a no name brand there would be a terrible mental arguement. There is just something wrong about a light almost cola flavour followed by a pervasive aftertaste of whatever metal the can is made out of combined with whatever chemicals exist in the plant where it is made. And if it is diet cola in a no name can – Run!

      5. tink*

        I can only tolerate diet coke if the glass is about 8 oz ice and 4 oz diet coke. Please give me regular or let me know you’ve only got diet so I can ask for a water or something.

        1. New Bee*

          I think I’ve only tried Coke Zero once, but the taste of Regular Coke is so distinctive to me that nothing compares!

          Tbh, I think it’s more I can’t see buying it to try/acquire the taste, but maybe next time it’s at a function I’ll try it.

    3. Elkay*

      I don’t really like music. I can happily go weeks without listening to music. I have someone in my office who puts on concerts and I have to come up with excuses because “I don’t really like music” sounds an odd thing to say.

      1. Music*

        Me too. Can’t remember the last time I listened to music. People always look at me like I’m insane.

        I like Broadway because I like storytelling, but that’s it pretty much.

      2. Rob Lowe can't read*

        Oh my gosh, me too. I enjoy hearing songs that I know I like (like, when they play at stores), but I don’t listen to them at home (or in the car, or anywhere) and I don’t seek out new songs.

      3. Lissa*

        Me too! I have a lot of friends where music is clearly a big part of their lives, and sometimes they can kind of act like you’re barely human if you are just “meh” about it. Like, I do like some music occasionally but it isn’t a big emotional thing, nor do I really understand the *weight* some people put on what music you like and how you listen to it and make it about who you are as a person.

        A friend of mine yesterday posted a video that was just a guy ranting about how awful it was to listen to music on a cell phone (not with proper speakers) and it was so achingly pretentious I wanted to say something snarky, but refrained.

      4. Me2*

        Husband loves music, I don’t. He goes to concerts alone or with other friends, the minute he leaves a room I turn off the radio, it’s such a passion with him which I don’t share. Son was in band and jazz band so I had to go to his concerts, very glad when that era was finished. I really don’t like music too.

    4. matcha123*

      If your reasons for having a child are, “I want one,” “My parents want grandkids,” “Everyone else is having them,” “I want to pass on my name,” “I have no plan, but I want them and I’m sure everything will work out lol” or, “I want someone to take care of me when I’m old,” then you shouldn’t have a kid.

      Having a child is a responsibility and not a right. As a society, we should look for ways to give the children alive right now the best opportunities for education, a stable life and future. If that means not having biological kids, so be it.

          1. Bonnie Fide*

            Actually as far as I am concerned “because I/we want them,” is the ONLY good reason.

            Tax breaks and references to grandparents living longer than other elderly be damned.

            Signed-
            The Depriver of Grandkids

          2. SMT*

            In Dan Savage’s book, “The Kid”, he writes about going to a class/meeting/thing to start the process for adopting a kid. The woman in charge says something to the effect of how she understands that everyone wants kids, and may have had a long road to get to the point of adopting them and may even feel like they are ‘owed’ a kid at this point, but that really the only reason to have/adopt a child is because you have more love to share.

            I can’t remember it exactly, but I thought it was a lovely way of explaining why I (then single with no plans of getting married) did want to have a child at some point.

            1. No kids for me either*

              As a woman who does not want kids, I’d like to point out that there are *lots* of other ways to channel the love I have to share. I can volunteer (with kids, sure, but also with the elderly, with adults with low tech skills, at a shelter or soup kitchen), advocate for social/political change, or take a job that makes people’s lives better.

              I don’t think you were implying that people who don’t want kids feel less love than folks who do want kids, but it’s a common societal assumption.

            2. Gaia*

              I have lots of love to share. I share it with my friends, strangers and family. I don’t need a mini human sucking away all of my time and money to be able to share love.

          3. Al Lo*

            I feel like there’s a difference between “I want them”… because they’re cute or because they’ll get me attention or because I think they’ll meet my emotional needs and continually satisfy me (the kinds of reasons you sometimes stereotypically hear about very young women wanting to have babies), and “I want them”… because I have love to give and I believe this is how I want to do that or because I feel like being a parent is part of who I’m meant to be.

            I think “I want them” is a very good reason to have kids, but for some people, probably needs to be parsed out — it seems to break down a bit on maturity lines, I think.

        2. Myrin*

          And not just the good reasons, but ANY reasons, really. With the exception of “I got pregnant on accident and then decided to keep the kid” and all kinds of government breaks/benefits, I reckon the above list pretty much covers the entirety of reasons why people have kids.

        3. matcha123*

          For me a good reason would be that you hope to teach and impart values to someone. Values such as thinking about how your actions effect others. Helping them to realize that they are not the center of the world and that we should strive to treat each other fairly.

          Saying you want one, but not giving any thought to how and where you want to raise a child is bad in my opinion. Especially when your want outweights what would be best for the child. Wanting and then giving birth to a child you abuse because they didn’t turn out to be a carbon copy of yourself is selfish. Wanting a child because you can use them to further a backwards way of thinking is selfish.

          I’ve read about lots of women who wanted children and then regretted their decision because they never took the time to think past that inital desire and look into the deeper reasoning.

          1. Cafe au Lait*

            My husband and I are in the process of trying for a baby. We’ve waited a long time to try, and our reasons basically boil down to “I have more love to give,” and “I want to guide a child through the world.”

            It’s a completely selfish reason on our ends.

      2. Ayla K*

        I read an article about this once that really resonated. It basically said that having kids is one of the few big life decisions that you can’t back out of. You can end a relationship or marriage, quit a job, sell a car, move out of a house or city you don’t like… but you can’t really un-have a child. Given that, having kids should be a “hell yes” or “not at all” decision. If I’m still lukewarm about it in 10 or 15 years (I’m 28 now), I won’t have them. Obviously, some people who were once unsure about having kids are now very glad they had them, so it’s not necessarily a perfect theory, but like I said, it resonated strongly with me.

        It’s also medically unsafe for me to have kids myself, but that’s a separate case entirely.

      3. super anon*

        I think the last reason is especially egregious and anyone who wants to have children solely for that reason should definitely reconsider their choice. There is no guarantee that your child will take care of you when you’re older, nor do they have an obligation to just because you’re their parent. A child doesn’t owe you anything for you taking care of them and raising them (an opinion I’ve heard a lot), you willingly took on that responsibility when you elected to have children, and should expect nothing in return. If that is your only reason for having children, you should seriously reconsider and instead invest the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would spend on raising a child into your own retirement.

        However, I may be biased in this opinion as my mother told me for my entire childhood that I was her retirement plan. Her plans for my life included me going to university and getting a good career so I could buy a house and she could live me with when she was old. She socialized me from a young age to think this was an acceptable way to live my life, and everything she did for me was with the expectation that I would take care of her when she was older. She saved nothing for retirement in anticipation of her old age free ride. Now as an adult I refuse to pay for her bad choices, and highly resent being born for the sole (and selfish) purpose of providing for someone who should be able to take care of themselves. I no longer speak to her or give her any money and I have no plans on taking care of her in her old age, or buying her a house and car like she wanted.

        I think if she’d had another reason for having me, aside from the expectation of care in old age, I likely wouldn’t feel so negatively toward the idea of taking care of her when she’s ailing.

    5. Chilleh*

      I think Diet Mtn Dew is delicious. I’ve gotten looks of horror for admitting that in public and now hide my occasional bottle at work to avoid the inevitable conversation about how nasty it is.

      1. DragoCucina*

        I know several people with diet Mt. Dew addictions. I told the Pepsi guy he needed to up our delivery. We’re adding a Karma Box and it was on the condition that we keep the PepsiCo machine.

        1. HoVertical*

          Can’t drink anything diet…very strange, since I used to be a 6-pack of Diet Coke a day girl. It makes me puff up like a Macy’s parade float.

      3. NACSACJACK*

        When I *had* to switch to diet, I couldnt stand diet Code, but loved Diet Pepsi. And at first, I couldnt dring Diet Mountain Dew, because I used to drink regular, but now I dont like Diet Pepsi, I drink diet Mountain Dew and my back up go-to is diet Coke. Go figure.

        1. Mike C.*

          I’m the same way, and I think it’s due to the flavor profiles. Diet Coke follows the New Coke flavor profile while Diet Pepsi is really close to normal Pepsi.

          How do you feel about Coke Zero?

          1. Gaia*

            I hate both Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi but I love Coke Zero. And Coke Zero Cherry? I could live off of that.

    6. CS Rep by Day, Writer by Night*

      Even though I am a giant geek, I have zero interest in Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones or other fantasy books/TV/movies.

      1. Amadeo*

        Heh, I started reading Game of Thrones and only lasted through three books. I gave up shortly after that because I couldn’t figure out what the heck was really supposed to be going on besides ‘people are fighting and winter is coming’ and every time I’d decided a character was important they died.

        So, yeah, I’m with you on the zero interest in Game of Thrones, even though there are dragons. I lost the will to keep going with them.

        1. paul*

          I *loved* the first book. Good hard fantasy, actions had consequences, being a good guy didn’t mean dumb choices couldn’t kill you, etc. But man it went downhill fast.

          1. Amadeo*

            That’s kind of how it went for me too. I was really into that first book, got through the second OK, struggled through the third and only finished the fourth because I was held captive in a car for 12 hours and had nothing else to read.

            1. Dynamic Beige*

              Me too. The first couple of books, I was hooked. By the third… the bloom was off the rose. Shortly into the fourth one, I found myself wishing for a nuclear weapon to drop into the middle of that mess and kill them all because it was never. going. to. end. All that happened was a lot of bad stuff (dude has some serious issues with women) and people running around saying catch phrases. Can’t even watch the show.

              1. acmx*

                I read the first GoT book way back when it first published (book of the month club lol) and read the second. To me it was repetitive: murder, rape, incest. And it seemed to have no other point.

              2. Amadeo*

                I started Dance with Dragons and it’s been sitting on my nightstand now, about a third of the way through, for, what, two, three years now? I gave away my others to a coworker and told him I didn’t care what he did with them when he was done, I wasn’t going to re-read them.

              3. Emma*

                Yeah, this. About halfway through book three, I realized I didn’t give a damn about any of the characters, and I was spending more time nitpicking the plot and economics than paying attention to the actual story.

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        My geek heresy: I really like Star Trek: Enterprise. Enough that I watched all of it when it aired, and now I’m watching it again on Netflix.

        1. Hattie McDoogal*

          My husband and I are working our way through it right now and it’s not nearly as bad as I remember it. Archer is a terrible captain but that’s almost part of the fun (“Archer needlessly putting himself in danger and hand-waving all consequences away with “T’Pol can be captain if I die horribly”? Drink!”).

      3. T3k*

        Agree on both. From what I’ve heard about GoT anyway, it sounds like every other other political story with people scheming and plotting and killing with middle ages setting and that just doesn’t interest me. If I want dragons, I’ll just go read HP :p

        1. Amadeo*

          Might I suggest His Majesty’s Dragon by Naomi Novik (and it’s subsequent series) if you like dragons?

      4. Elizabeth West*

        I adore HP and LOTR (I skated to all six of the songs from all the LOTR and Hobbit films), but GoT? Meh. Don’t care. Don’t have HBO anyway, but if I cared, I would.

        1. NACSACJACK*

          I cant read the HP books nor the LOTR books. I hate how JRR Tolkien writes. Loved the movies (okay the HP ones / only the first LOTR one).

            2. Clever Name*

              I read LOTR when I was 18, and almost 20 years later, I’m rereading the series. I can’t believe how much time has been spent on the hobbit’S journey before they get to rivendell. I remember loving Tom Bombadil. So far I’m meh.

        2. Windchime*

          I just started reading the first Harry Potter book again recently and am stopping after about chapter 4. If I was 11 or 12 I would probably like it, but I just can’t get into it as an adult. I always felt like a weirdo because I don’t really know any other adults who don’t LOVE Harry Potter books.

          1. Juli G.*

            My recommendation to adults is to watch movies 1 & 2 and then read book 3. If you don’t get into it in book 3, it’s not for you (which is okay!)

            The first two books are definitely more kids’ books than the rest.

          2. Formica Dinette*

            I’m an adult and I couldn’t get into Harry Potter. You may not know me, but you now know of me. ;)

      6. tink*

        I liked the first and third LotR movies (and the first hobbit movie), but the books put me to sleep. I like some fantasy books, but most… I guess higher fantasy? kinda bores me.

      7. Emma*

        Hah. I’m one of those people who doesn’t really like The Hobbit, only got through LOTR because it was the only thing I had to read on a cross-country train trip … and I freaking love the Silmarillion.

        Don’t ask me how that makes any sense.

        1. Amadeo*

          Heh, I bought the Silmarillion at a bookstore that had one of those employees that seemed to have read every book in the place. He looked at the title and grinned a little bit then called it ‘ambitious reading’. I read it fine, but found myself re-reading passages a lot because I had a little trouble following what the heck was going on.

      8. Sami*

        Same. Any mention of the plots or characters of SF/F books, TV shows or movies make me just roll my eyes. It all sounds so ridiculous to me.
        I appreciate that lots of people love it and good for them- but it’s definitely not for me.

    7. Cath in Canada*

      I really like rain! I don’t love it when it rains for three weeks straight – I prefer a good mix of different weather – but in general, I <3 rainy days.

      People here in Vancouver sure like to complain about the rain. My response is 1) you chose to live in a rain forest, 2) fresh drinking water falling from the sky is A Good Thing, and 3) I used to live in Glasgow and it rains way more there than it does here, including all the way through the summer, so quit complaining.

      My first summer here, I was feeling weirdly off and couldn't figure out why. I just felt mildly uncomfortable all the time. But when it finally started to rain after weeks on end of dry sunny days, I found myself running outside and dancing around in the rain. I felt immediately better. It was the longest I'd ever gone without being rained on, and I hadn't consciously realized how much I was missing it!

      I also don't like melon, unfortunately. It looks delicious, but every time I decide to taste a little piece to see if I've somehow started to like it*… yeurch.

      *This approach actually worked with goat cheese, which I used to hate but now love.

      1. Cruciatus*

        I feel you on the melon. Not even watermelon. I can choke it down to be polite when I need to but it’s not something I would ever seek out. I remember as a kid, when someone would bring watermelon slices instead of orange slices to our youth soccer games and I’d be really disappointed. I try it once in a while to see if I’ve changed my mind and I never have. Actually, just on Monday was one of those “choke it down to be polite” moments as I got some cantaloupe from the fruit salad at a breakfast provided by the university. I didn’t want to be an ass so I swallowed it but no, not a fan yet.

        Also, I LOVE goat cheese now too! However, I don’t think I will ever, ever, ever come around on cottage cheese.

        1. Zip Silver*

          Try letting your cottage cheese warm up to roon temperature before eating it. Totally changes the texture and flavor.

        2. Gaia*

          I love cottage cheese (especially with green grapes, thanks Gramps!) but only – ONLY – small curd. Large curd feels like someone threw up and that is what I am eating. Blech. I’m making myself ill just thinking of it.

        3. manderw*

          I despise melons of all forms. And raw cucumbers (but oddly I love pickles). I can’t even choke them down to be polite. It’s a bit odd because I’m not much of a picky eater otherwise.

          But having said that I also detest crab and lobster. Make me want to puke if I get anywhere near eating it. Shrimp is ok though.

      2. pnw*

        I agree about the rain. I’ve lived in Oregon my entire life and I miss rain if we go too long without. We usually get rain about 10 months out of the year. When we go a week or two without, it feels dusty and unclean.

        2. Willamette Valley*

          I’m in the Willamette Valley. Two summers ago it didn’t rain from May 31st – early September. I thought we were all going to die. Everyone was angry and irritable and had these dry hacking coughs like we were slowing drying out from the inside.

      3. Emma*

        I, er, do love it when it rains endlessly, and I can’t stand sunlight. At all. The worst weather I can imagine is a bright, hot summer day.

        1. Your Weird Uncle*

          Aaaah, me toooooo. I love rain, and I get so….*exhausted* on sunny days. Especially when it’s a sunny day following a long stretch of hot, sunny days. I’ll be the one sitting inside with the curtains drawn, thankyouverymuch.

      6. Mike C.*

        I love a rain north of Seattle, but when I buy a house I’m totally going to have a green house loaded with citrus trees.

        1. Windchime*

          I live north of Seattle in the convergence zone. What I love most about it is the warm, rainy winter. With the exception of a day or so per year, there is no reason to worry about slick roads or scraping snow off my car. I grew up on the other side of the mountains and I have had enough of shoveling snow to last me a lifetime. Give me rain from here on out!

      1. Ayla K*

        Having the right face wash or mask can make such a big difference! What do you use? I really really love LUSH’s Herbalism cleanser, but I can’t always afford it, so it’s a treat when I pick it up.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          I use an oil cleanser (I rotate brands – I like Burt’s Bees and Palmer’s, the Simple one is only okay) and then the CeraVe foaming cleanser.

    9. Lady Julian*

      I don’t like dogs. There are a few special exceptions (my aunt & uncle’s Chihuahua mutt, who’s too small to jump on me & actually cute) but in general I think they smell and are so happy & in your face to be annoying.

      1. Allypopx*

        Same. My boyfriend’s dog is less those things but she whines and sheds everywhere and barks at the TV. I’ve kind of gotten used to her but she’s getting older and I’m not super inclined to get another dog when she passes.

      3. New Bee*

        Agreed. I really don’t like any animals, so when people are cooing over a cute dog/squirrel/pony/cat/etc., I feel like the people who don’t know what to say when someone brings their baby to the office.

        1. Kate*

          Same. And I feel you say you don’t like animals, people look at you like you’ve just admitted to being a serial killer. I think of all animals as being slightly dirty, and just…unappealing.

          1. HoVertical*

            I know a great many folks don’t care for animals. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. :) I’m a huge cat person, but not having one doesn’t distress me. Same with dogs. I’m in a dismal income situation right now and can barely feed me, let alone an innocent furry critter, so no pets for Verti until my job situation improves…and maybe not even then. I am enjoying my vicarious kitties and dawgs for now.

      4. Lily Evans*

        I’m not a dog person either. It bugs me how for some reason it’s fine for people to talk about hating cats, but the moment I admit to not being a dog fan people will act like I just admitted to drowning puppies or something.

        1. an anon is an anon*

          I don’t know, I think this is pretty equal since I’ve been around a lot of people who talk about hating dogs but act like hating cats is the worst thing ever. I really think it just depends on the group you’re in and what animals they prefer, and people are always going to be more protective and defensive of the animal they like and others hate.

          1. Myrin*

            I agree – I read this on the internet all the time (the “it’s okay to hate cats but not to hate dogs”) but I have actually never seen or experienced it myself. Which isn’t to invalidate others’ experiences with nasty comments regarding animals but I’ve never been in an environment where the overall culture favoured one animal over another. Like you say, depending on who I talk to they will say that they like this animal or that one or prefer one over the other but I have yet to experience any kind of widespread dislike of one animal in particular.

            1. Lily Evans*

              Most of the time I’ve had reactions like that are with men who act like liking cats is effeminate for some reason. It’s actually something I’ve seen less of in the past few years, though.

              1. Lissa*

                Yeah, I actually think the Internet has sort of changed things up with that. Hating cats used to be a “funny” character trait of a manly man, but it’s not really something that comes up anymore.

                Though I don’t think it’s OK to make *nasty* comments about animals (and definitely not about someone’s pets) I do wish people wouldn’t make being an animal lover some sort of test of humanity. And I’m a huge cat lover!

        2. The Other Dawn*

          Yes! I get that, too. And I get really annoyed when I go to pet supply stores and there’s 10 isles devoted to dogs and like 2 for cats. Cats get the short end of the stick all the time. I have people say to me they don’t like cats because they’re sneaky. People are sneakier that cats.

        3. Gaia*

          I read a paper on this exact thing a few years ago. They hypothesized that this mentality was due to our co-evolution with dogs. As a society we have an innate bond with canines because of this mutual evolution and so admitting to not liking them is like shunning your own species and on an evolutionary level that is dangerous. I have no idea if it holds water but it was an interesting perspective on why people are so shocked when someone doesn’t like dogs.

      5. The Other Dawn*

        Same here. Yes, I’m the crazy cat lady so I’m biased, but I’ve never really liked dogs. I’m OK with my sister’s dogs because they are well-trained. But I can’t fathom owning one. I’d have to walk the dog, let it outside multiple times a day to do its business, have to be home at a certain time to let it out, clean up a ton of landmines in the backyard, give it a bath, make sure it can’t eat cat poop from the litter box (I know several dogs that do this), etc. And I’m always in a state of uncertainty when I see a strange dog. Is it friendly? Vicious? Will it run after me?

        2. Dynamic Beige*

          That pretty much sums up how I feel about dogs. I like my neighbour’s dog, I can go over and pet her and she’s always happy to see me, she’s even smart enough to know my car. But having one? Nope. I’ll pet your dog if it’s on a leash/doesn’t seem like it will bite me but that’s about it. I prefer dogs that are below knee height (but not purse-dogs, geez, get a cat) because you could fight it off if it attacked you.

      6. Elizabeth West*

        I like dogs okay, but I vastly prefer cats. If I met a dude who liked dogs and we ended up getting married, I’d probably have a dog. But he would have to be okay with having a cat, too.

      7. Emma*

        I don’t like dogs for the most part either, largely because in my experience their owners are perfectly happy letting them jump all over me and lick me, and if I protest I get met with “but he’s just being friendly!” The implication, of course, being that it’s somehow wrong of me to not want to get bowled over or slobbered on.

        That, and there are a lot of entitled dog owners where I live, who get pissy when not every place is like Petsmart. So I guess I’m really more anti-bad-dog-owner and anti-ill-trained-dog than anti-dog, but that covers most dogs I’m likely to encounter anyway.

      8. Searching*

        I don’t like dogs either, with rare exceptions. At one time on another forum someone said they thought it was child abuse if you denied your kids a family dog to grow up with. They were serious, too! Ridiculous. I’m just not a pet person at all – don’t want the mess, the expense, or being tied down. And my kids grew up just fine.

      9. Gaia*

        I have a dog, a dog I love dearly and have had for nearly a decade. Everyone assumes when he passes I’ll get a new one but, I definitely won’t. I love my dog. Heck, I even love a quick pet or play with other dogs. But I really don’t like the responsibility of having a dog. I’ll be sad when my dog is gone, but I won’t miss having to plan my life around his needs. Is that terrible?

        1. Violet Strange*

          I feel this way too, Gaia. My last dog died a year ago. People keep asking when I’m going to get another. I miss him a lot, but not anytime soon, because it is too much responsibility for me alone.

      10. Windchime*

        Me either. I like certain individual dogs that I know, but as a species I don’t like them. They smell bad and they are hard to read. They seem like they are either always groveling or being mean with nothing in between. Give me a nice, quiet cat any day of the week.

      11. Formica Dinette*

        As I have gotten older, I have become generally OK with dogs, but I am still disgusted by dog smell.

      12. Jane D'oh!*

        THANK YOU KINDRED SPIRIT. They reek even when clean, they’re all up in my business, and they never stop oozing from the mouth. Yuck!

    10. Lady Julian*

      Ooo, another one! Vegetables are better than a burger or other greasy food. Chick-fil-A is boring (this amounts to heresy where I live, in the Midwest where going to Chick-fil-A is akin to a religious experience!)

      1. Emma*

        You know, until the past few years I wouldn’t have agreed, but I’ve found that the more (and more varied) veggies I eat, the more I prefer them to fast food. It still throws me mentally from time to time, but I am kind of enjoying it.

        1. Sami*

          I’m from Michigan too and so was curious about their locations. There are three here: Detroit Metro Airport, Oakland University and Somerset Collection.

    11. Allypopx*

      I think bacon is overrated. I don’t necessarily dislike it, but it’s a once-in-awhile thing and I don’t really get the “would you choose between bacon or sex” level of hype.

      2. all aboard the anon train*

        Agreed. I like it occasionally on a BLT or club sandwich, but I wouldn’t miss it if I could never eat it again. I’m baffled by the hype.

      3. Anonyby*

        Same here! I do like the taste, but it’s not worth the hype. Not to mention that I pretty much never eat it at restaurants because the texture is never right. (Why can’t restaurants make CRISPY bacon????)

        1. Lissa*

          I’m your opposite! I never got the fuss about bacon because I’d only ever had it really crispy, which is how my whole family likes it and most people who talk about it seem to prefer it that way … but to me crispy just tastes kind of burnt. Then I had some bacon once that was (to me) cooked perfectly and was like “ohhhh”. Though I still don’t think it’s as amazing as the internet tells me it is.

          1. Nina*

            Same. I’m not into bacon, but I hate crispy bacon in particular. It just tastes likes it’s been burnt to a crisp.

            I gave up bacon for years when I was a kid (like age 5-18) and I didn’t miss it all. I can eat it with breakfast or on a sandwich, but in terms of breakfast meat, I’ll take sausage or ham any day.

    12. Bonnie Fide*

      Capris as a suitable clothing choice for my sister. She is a slave to the trends, and I cringe when they come into style.

      Designers be damned, women with super long torsos and shorter legs will do so much better in either short – shorts or full length pants.

      There is no in between!

      Actually now that I typed that out… Just thought of something that bugs me more:

      Strapless Wedding Gowns. They are NOT the end – all – be – all – one – size fits – all solution nor a boon for all Brides. I have watched countless versions of this mistake march down the aisle, and was personally dismayed during my own bridal shopping that despite all the parlours I visited, they were often the only options. If I’d had the time money and inclination to alter a strapless I would have just gone custom in the first place.

      Rant over.

      1. LizB*

        I hate how ubiquitous strapless wedding gowns are. I’ve seen people look absolutely stunning in them, but I’ve also seen people who have to keep adjusting their top all night because it doesn’t stay up, or photos where the bodice doesn’t lay right and looks all weird in an otherwise lovely photo. I personally am super uncomfortable in a strapless dress, so I don’t wear them, and I hate that they’re 95% of the market in wedding gowns because I know it’s going to make my life super difficult when I need to buy one.

        1. FDCA In Canada*

          Wedding gowns with straps are making HUGE strides in popularity. Strapless gowns were everywhere prior to about 2010, but since then (especially thanks to Kate Middleton’s dress) straps and sleeves are making a huge comeback. If you pull up even mass-market websites like David’s Bridal, tons and tons of stuff on the “featured” pages are strapped or sleeved. Not to worry–it is now super easy to find gowns with sleeves and straps!

        2. KJ*

          Me too. Strapless wedding dresses make most women look odd because your proportions have to “fit” a certain way for the strapless thing to work.

          My tip: ModCloth- I got my wedding dress from them. All their dresses are vintage inspired and almost all have straps. They are also not ridiclously overpriced, because they aren’t marked up for the wedding-industrial complex. Below is the dress I wore-I loved it and everyone said it was super-cute and very “me.”

          http://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/aisle-be-there-fit-and-flare-dress-in-ivory?kpid=46924-ANWHT-2-REG&gate=false&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=G.SEM.US_NB.B_Dynamic-Search-Shopping&utm_term=_inurl%3A_mcid%3A%207646957%23inurl%3A_custom_label%3A%20vintage%20dresses&utm_content=b&gclid=Cj0KEQiA7K7CBRCrwt26v5uHs98BEiQA0JzsZwVTQWdQkBlpRhOiwb-KmvH0A0T-oOYTrUFg4xtW-nkaAmk68P8HAQ

          1. FrequentLurker*

            That is stunning! Now I want one, but I’m not getting married – just because it’s beautiful.

      2. Jessica*

        I completely agree about strapless wedding dresses! It’s not that they can’t look good–occasionally they do–but often they’re not flattering, they’re just easier to make. It’s not a boon to the brides; it’s a boon to the manufacturers.

    13. Lily Evans*

      I’m a vegetarian who despises mushrooms. Judging by many restaurants’ veggie options it’s an unpopular opinion. Then I end up looking really picky, because no a giant portobella mushroom on a bun isn’t an appetizing hamburger alternative, thanks.

        1. matcha123*

          I’m not a vegetarian, but I find mushrooms to be extremely disgusting. The way they look is just as much a turn off as the taste.

      2. INTP*

        I feel your pain because I hate zucchini. Why it has to be in every set of steamed vegetables and every token vegetarian pasta dish ever, I don’t understand.

    14. Brazilian Guy*

      Hi
      Well I do not like U2. Bono is nice but everybody that I talk to sorta idolize him. And I do not like Apple, people are insane (Brazilian reality talking out loud here) to pay 1,200 USD for an iPhone 7…

      1. Jen RO*

        Oh yes, U2 is so so so boring. I don’t understand how someone can willingly listen to them. I also share your opinion on Apple (and I am also not in the US, so the prices for electronics are higher).

    15. Episkey*

      I think Justin Timberlake is a douchbag and don’t see the appeal in him at all (I’m a straight woman). LOL.

      2. Myrin*

        Oh god yes! And I’m from an area that is both famous for its beer and where it’s just super popular in general. I dislike all alcohol, though, so I haven’t ever been pestered about beer specifically, as far as I remember.

      5. Madstuart*

        And I can say for a fact that all beer tastes like foul horsepiss to me after spending a semester in Germany, as the people I was with made me try every beer they drank. Which went something like:

        *sip* this tastes like horsepiss.
        *sip* this tastes like fruity horsepiss.
        *sip* this tastes like yeast. And also horsepiss.

        Eventually they gave up…

        1. Jean aka the Recovering Packrat*

          LOLing here, even though years ago I enjoyed a taste of Heineken. (Never drank much, then got a sensitive stomach which prohibits any drinking.)

        2. Nina*

          I’m loving your descriptions. Beer tastes like watered down pop to me. Brand doesn’t matter, if its Coors, Heinekin, Sam Adams…whoever. They can keep it.

      6. tink*

        I like lambics in small quantities (if you like hard cider you’d probably like them, they’re open-air fruit fermented), but otherwise I also hate beer. I still gamely try a sip if someone else is buying it, but I won’t waste the money on my own.

      7. Gaia*

        Yep. As is wine. And please stop telling me to just try this wine or this beer. They are all nasty. Trust me. I’ve tried.

    17. nep*

      Not really an opinion, but I don’t ‘do’ holidays. Family and friends can think what they will. I do my thing.

    18. Cristina in England*

      Great question!
      -Star Wars is a terrible movie
      -Chocolate and raspberry taste bad together

      1. katamia*

        Someone else who agrees with me on Star Wars! I watched it a bunch as a kid because it was the closest I could get to something I already knew I wanted (sci-fi/fantasy fan raised by non-sci-fi/fantasy fans), but I never really liked the story or any of the characters or really anything about it.

        1. JaneB*

          Yes on the Star Wars! It’s just bad!

          I mean, I like a lot of mind candy, but I just wish people would admit it’s just fluff, that not everyone likes the same fluff, and stop treating it like some great work of art or religion…

        2. Not So NewReader*

          That is the way I felt about The Godfather. Teachers just looooved it and we had to watch it every year. I was done within the first five minutes of the movie.

          1. Chaordic One*

            So many of my friends just love movies by director, Quentin Tarantino, and I can’t stand them.

          2. Dynamic Beige*

            When I finally watched Scarface, I was all “this is the cheesiest thing I have seen in a long time.” All those years of people going “say hello to my little friend!” I thought it would be better than that.

        3. MsChanandlerBong*

          I tried watching Star Wars once. I don’t get the appeal. I fell asleep about 40 minutes in, and all it was before that was people bopping around in the desert!

      2. Canadian Natasha*

        Absolutely agree on the chocolate/raspberry combo. Delicious on their own but putting them together ruins the taste of both!

      4. T3k*

        Yes to the chocolate/raspberry. What sucks even more is that I have a relative who loves this combination and will do it any chance they can for get togethers. I mean seriously, what’s wrong with a plain chocolate cake?

      5. TeaLady*

        With you on the chocolate and raspberry. I love both separately, in fact I would say raspberries are my favourite fruit, but they just do not go together.

    19. an anon is an anon*

      I dislike cats. They freak me out.

      I don’t think them batting things off tables or lying on computers is cute. I don’t think it’s okay that there are some people who let cats get away with biting or clawing people, but would demand any other type of animal be put down for such behavior. I don’t think it’s okay that people in my previous apartments let cats wander around the building.

      I don’t understand the internet’s obsession with them. I don’t understand people who think single women are automatically cat lovers. I also really don’t understand people who think I’m a monster when I say I’m severely allergic and also a bit afraid of them.

      1. Lily Evans*

        I love cats, but I agree it’s so annoying when people act like cats are un-trainable and just let them ruin the house. My roommate’s cat drives me nuts sometimes because she’s used to my roommate giving into all of her begging behavior. It’s like dealing with a toddler who’s never heard the word no before.

          1. catsAreCool*

            I had a cat who knew a few different tricks and would do them for treats. They’re pretty smart when they want to be.

            Letting cats wander wherever can be dangerous for them.

            I love my kitties, but I can understand why someone might be nervous around them. A lot of people just see the fuzzy cuteness and don’t notice the razor sharp claws. Most of the kitties I’ve known are really sweet natured and are gentle, but the ones that aren’t are not easy to be around.

            1. Your Weird Uncle*

              My cousin had a cat who hated her name. (It was Peaches.) Every time someone mentioned her name, she would start growling….lord help you if you made the mistake of mentioning it a second time! That cat was *definitely* not easy to be around.

        2. The Cosmic Avenger*

          As I like to say, I am the alpha cat in our house. One cat we have who gets a little crazy and has scratched or bitten other household members when he got excited has never, ever done that with me.

          Lily Evans, get your roommate to watch Jackson Galaxy! He’s terrific.

          1. fposte*

            There’s also the Way of Cats blog. She is unusually willing to prioritize her cats, shall we say, but she has a rare combination of cat absorption and sharp perception. She’s kind of the blog equivalent of Jackson Galaxy without the star power.

            1. Lily Evans*

              The most frustrating part is she knows she shouldn’t be letting the cat get her way all the time, she just does it anyway. Like, “I really shouldn’t be giving you this food you begged for, but you’re just too cute!” And I just stare into space like it’s an invisible camera from The Office. Shockingly, the cat doesn’t really bug me for food anymore because I never respond to it. Amazing how that works.

        3. Amadeo*

          Same. I have two indoor frumps and one spoiled outdoor little man waiting for an indoor spot. Nobody is allowed to bite, ever, and scratching only when it’s an absolute must. The indoors citizens have a tree to scratch on and climb and they leave the furniture alone. They even respond to simple commands like ‘out’ to get them to leave a room.

          You can totally train your cat to be a good citizen.

      2. T3k*

        +1 I’m a woman, but I can tell you right now I plan to become the crazy dog lady, not cat and wish there were more dog posts in my facebook feed. It doesn’t help that a past neighbor, who had his own set of issues, let their cats roam around. I know one of them killed a few birds that use our birdbath and that really pissed me off.

        1. an anon is an anon*

          One of my old neighbors said that her cat should be able to roam around the apartment building because he needed to wander. And then would post notes making sure the other tenants didn’t accidentally let the cat out of the building when we were coming and going.

          And though I don’t like cats and wouldn’t want one to run out the door and get hit by a car, it’s not my responsibility to make sure it stays in the building. I don’t like that cats get a free pass to roam around but other animals don’t. Not that I would want other animals to get a free pass to roam because that would cause a lot of trouble.

          1. Jean aka the Recovering Packrat*

            Letting cats roam around the apartment building is not fair to people allergic to cats!

    20. katamia*

      I dislike cats. Luckily I’m allergic, so I just mention the allergies to avoid them without having to mention the dislike.

      I don’t like the MCU movies at all. I find most of the characters annoying and am attracted to none of them, so I don’t even have a shallow reason to watch them, lol.

    21. animaniactoo*

      I do not now, nor have ever, think that Fabio is attractive. From everything I’ve heard he’s actually pretty cool guy with a great sense of humor. But he’s among the few people that I actively find unattractive.

    22. fposte*

      I especially like that people are posting things that they like, not just that they dislike.

      Here’s mine: in a world that’s moved toward dark chocolate, I still like milk chocolate the best.

      Come to think of it, I like milk, period.

      1. Ally A*

        I love milk and drink it every day. A lot of people think I’m really weird as they only drank milk as kids. The one thing that may be unpopular to milk lovers, though, I only drink skim. Anything more than that tastes like cream and is gross.

        Also, I hate sugared soda. It makes your teeth feel fuzzy.

        1. Myrin*

          High-five from another daily milk drinker! :D

          I’m not entirely familiar with the English terms and quick googling shows me that skimmed milk is extremely low on fat in a way that I don’t think is available here but here, you can choose between 3.8% fat and 1.5% fat and I will only drink the latter because the former is gross and weirdly heavy in my mouth and not fresh or refreshing at all!

        2. T3k*

          Another daily milk drinker here! Though I’m the opposite: I’ll only drink 2% or whole as skim and 1% taste like very watered down milk to me.

        3. c'est la vie*

          Oh, I love milk. I used to have it with every meal; it basically was such a part of my routine that it had no real taste to me, it was just liquid. But for health reasons I had to up my water intake and it was easiest to swap out my meal milk for glasses of water. Now, when I have milk, it feels like a decadent luxury.

      2. Amy G. Golly*

        Yes! Milk chocolate >>>>>>> dark chocolate. There’s a British comedian who insists dark chocolate tastes like Tylenol, and I think he nailed it. ;)

        1. fposte*

          There’s also a Mitchell and Webb food snobbery sketch where Robert Webb is the guy responding to people who insist they have to have 70% cocoa by saying he likes Dairy Milk because the dark chocolate tastes bitter. When they tell him that that’s not real chocolate, he says that he thought it was, but maybe chocolate is that bitter thing he doesn’t like.

          Found it on YouTube and will link in follow up.

        1. fposte*

          Sometimes I’ll go down to 1% for a while just for how decadent it makes 2% feel when I go back. Ah, sweet dairy sins of the flesh.

      4. Anonyby*

        I prefer milk chocolate too!

        Though not straight-up milk. Hated it as a kid (it’s got an awful aftertaste). I’ve developed some kind of intolerance to it as an adult, so that can be used to justify not wanting to drink it.

      6. zora*

        I was the weird one when I was a little kid, I only liked the darkest of dark chocolate (my aunt would send us chocolate from Belgium regularly) and didn’t like any of the sweet US candy at all, it was all too sugary for me, especially milk chocolate but also all the chewy, gummy candy that everyone loved. I couldn’t stand it.

      7. Misc*

        Oh man, milk. I recently discovered that I’m lactose intolerant (amongst a bunch of other things, which is why I never realised) and I’ve never been fond of milk or cream.

        So I’ve been on milk alternatives on and off for a few years, and then I went to UHT lactose free milk for all the Things One Needs Milk For, and never really missed it, but it was pretty inconvenient and not so great nutritionally for me. I just bought some lactase drops so I can have real milk again, and Oh.

        It is literally amazing and I can drink it straight from the bottle (I get the really nice full cream, non homogenised, organic milk). The UHT stuff is disgusting and I never realised because I was comparing it to soy and rice and almond. I’ve been eating porridge with Real Milk (instead of water) and Cream On Top and it is like having dessert everyday.

        1. fposte*

          The lactase drops are weirdly unavailable in the US these days, and they’re so much more effective than the tablets! (The other thing is that lactase-treated milk is slightly sweeter than untreated, which: bonus.)

          1. Misc*

            That’s a shame. Mine are made in Australia, so they’re very easy to get in New Zealand (as long as I order online…).

            I haven’t had to use the tablets much (also got those) but yeah, they didn’t seem to work as well.

      8. HoVertical*

        Hershey milk chocolate is still my favorite…specifically, Hershey Kisses. I’ve cheated on it a few times, LOL! Like with Lindt truffles and such. But I always come back to the classic squares…because let’s face it, you can really only make a decent S’more with Hershey chocolate, Kraft Jet-Puffed marshmallows, and Honey Maid graham crackers.

    23. NoMoreMrFixit*

      I’m a Canadian guy who hates hockey. Blasphemous is the nicest thing I get called in playoff season.

    24. nep*

      I’ve never read the Harry Potter books or seen the films — and I’ve got zero inclination to do so.

        2. Marian the Librarian*

          I’m also a librarian, and I love the LotR movies but hate the books. Definite blasphemy.

      3. catsAreCool*

        I read a few of the Harry Potter books and then… lost interest, mostly because the descriptions of things went on for a very long time while almost nothing happened.

      4. Cruciatus*

        I will say…I didn’t have any interest either. I actually thought my mom and sister were ridiculous for liking them. But I couldn’t explain why besides “it’s a children’s book!” and “popular things are never good!” (I was in my 20s so…thought I knew it all). So, I read the first one so I could set up my arguments…then read the next 3 that were out at the time. I was a convert. Not saying it’ll happen to everyone, but for me, it was a happy surprise. And I’m not so quick to judge a genre anymore. Battlestar Galactica also completely changed my mind on sci fi TV shows around the same time. Now I have too many things to read and watch…

      5. Nina*

        I lost interest after The Prisoner of Azkaban, the book and the movie. Seen snippets of the movies afterwards, and that’s enough for me.

    25. Ruffingit*

      I don’t drink alcohol at all. Never liked the taste of it. This seems to perplex society in general a great deal.

      1. Cruciatus*

        I don’t like the taste either. I was always told it was an “acquired taste” but I didn’t know why anyone wanted to acquire that taste. I maybe have one small drink once every 18 months or something. It is very interesting how uncomfortable my not drinking makes other people at events.

        Also…I don’t drink coffee. I once had a coworker ask me incredulously “BUT HOW DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?!” and I was like I just…do? I have some breakfast and juice and I’m up. Another taste I didn’t want to acquire–love the smell though!

        1. Amy Farrah Fowler*

          I’m so with you on the coffee. I cannot STAND anything coffee. All those fancy Starbucks drinks that people say “you can’t even taste the coffee”: yes, I can. And it’s gross! I won’t eat tiramisu because it has espresso in it or coffee flavored ice cream. I passionately dislike coffee. People think I’m so weird.

          My other food aversion: pickles. Yuck!

            2. Mallory Janis Ian*

              I love sweet pickles, but I don’t care that much for dill pickles. I don’t dislike the dill ones, but I get more excited about the sweet ones.

          3. Lima Joe Coo*

            I can’t stand coffee either. Don’t like the taste of it; don’t like the smell of it. And I’m with you on the pickles. Just the smell of them can make me feel ill (although that reaction occurs less frequently as I get older).

          4. NACSACJACK*

            All the more coffee for the rest of us. I know where every SBUX is within a 3 mile radius. PS there is no SBUX between Forest Lake and Duluth (I check often).

        2. miki*

          + 1 on both alcohol and coffee. Neither does my twin. I think we were the blasphemy in our native country for not drinking coffee.

        3. Anonyby*

          Another person who doesn’t like alcohol or coffee! Or tea. I’ll have a super-sweet-and-fruity mixed drink every once in a while when I don’t need to drive the rest of the day… but that’s it. And it’s rare that I’m someplace that I can get a drink, and yet don’t need to drive afterwards.

          As for caffeine in the morning… I get it from soda. Mmm, soda…

        6. chickabiddy*

          I also don’t drink alcohol or coffee (and no, I’m not Mormon, but people do ask!). Like many people on my father’s side of the family, more than a sip of wine makes me flush bright red and gives me an instant, terrible headache. I love and miss coffee but identified it as a major IBS trigger several years ago. I can eat coffee-flavored yogurt which is a sad substitute but will have to do.

        7. Windchime*

          I am also a coffee hater and I can taste the tiniest speck of coffee. Despite the insistence of Keurig owners who say that my tea will NOT taste like coffee, yes–yes, it does. I also can’t stand tiramisu. It looks delicious, but I can’t get past the bitter, burnt coffee taste.

      2. AnAppleADay*

        My 22 year old tried alcohol for the first time on his 21st birthday and absolutely hates it. He’s tried a sip of a lot if things and says he will never acquire a taste for it. (Tooke awhile and wasn’t until 28 when I had a glass of Riesling, I finally found something that I liked)

        Maybe it’s evolution since grandfathers on both side of the family were alcoholic.

        1. SeekingBetter*

          I didn’t try alcohol until my 23rd birthday. Everybody I talked to about it thinks I’m an alien from outer space. To this day, I occasionally have one drink during special occasions.

          1. zora*

            I couldn’t stand the taste of any alcohol for most of my 20s, I tried almost every option once, but they were just all gross to me. Then when I was 27, all of a sudden I started liking red wine, and now I enjoy many kinds of alcohol. I don’t know why that switch flipped, but I still think it is super weird how that worked.

      3. NicoleK*

        Yes, I don’t drink either. Never got into it. And people often assume that I don’t drink for religious reasons or that I have a problem with alcohol.

      4. Amy*

        Same here! I never tried it until college and didn’t like the way it tasted or the way it made me feel. Just not a fan. I don’t drink at all and people always think it’s because of religion, AA, medical reason, etc. Nope, just don’t like it.

      5. Clumsy Ninja*

        I’m with you. And I just tell people that this makes me the most reliable designated driver ever.

      6. Anon for this*

        Me, too.

        I have a bunch of relatives who also hate it, so I wonder if there’s some genetic difference in how we taste alcohol.

    26. Mimmy*

      Hi, are you me?! LOL. Thankfully, my husband is also pretty much a non-sports person. We do sometimes feel a little out of place at family gatherings, though, because aside from eating, people (primarily the males, lol) are huddled around a television watching a game.

    27. all aboard the anon train*

      I almost always like the actresses that everyone decides to irrationally hate and dislike the actresses everyone wants to be BFFs with. So I’ve been silently loving people like Natalie Portman, Keira Knightly, and Anne Hathaway, and severely disliking people like Jennifer Lawrence (though my dislike of her is for several reasons, and her recent incident just makes me feel vindicated that my dislike is not irrational).

      Same goes for usually not really liking whoever the internet deems their new boyfriend. Except in the rare cases when it’s not some bland dude who I can’t tell apart from the last internet boyfriend.

      Also, I usually don’t care to watch the popular TV shows while they’re airing. I like to wait until a few years have passed and no one is talking about it anymore.

      1. Lady Julian*

        Oh, me too! I don’t get why people hate Anne Hathaway – She seems as nice as literally any other actress.

        And I can’t stand JLaw. So overrated. Seeing that she’s in a movie generally makes me less interested in seeing that movie. There was a really interesting article up on Buzzfeed a while back, linking JLaw with the “Cool Girl” (a la Gone Girl). It gives me justification for not liking her. :P

        https://www.buzzfeed.com/annehelenpetersen/jennifer-lawrence-and-the-history-of-cool-girls

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          I really hate the “Cool Girl” ideal because it basically says women who enjoy traditionally feminine things are superficial nags and women who enjoy masculine things are “cool” as long as they look like supermodels. This is why I think some people believe women who want families or like makeup can’t be feminists, intelligent, or enjoy stereotypical masculine things, and I think that’s a shame.

          But what annoys me about JLaw is she’s always talking about how normal she is and yet she makes millions of dollars. Or she talks about how she hates paparazzi and the Hollywood life, but she chose that lifestyle knowing what it entailed. I think there are a good number of other celebrities who are awkward and normal and it doesn’t come off fake or like a PR stunt. Some of her crazier stories or events also seem staged imo.

          Also she has a bad habit of saying offensive stuff and then covering it up with non-apologies about how she meant to be self-deprecating and not offend other people. I’m glad people are starting to call her out on it.

        2. Nina*

          Word to both. I thought Hathaway was a bit annoying during Oscar season, but she wasn’t doing anything that the others weren’t doing. I think she’s cool, and very talented.

          Now JLaw…ugh, they can keep her. Annoying as hell, and a decent actress, not a great one. I could see her winning the Oscar for Winter’s Bone, but Silver Linings Playbook was crap, and so was her role. And her Mystique is terrible At least she’s aware of it, but FOX won’t let her out of the contract.

          Natalie Portman is a bit more interesting. She can come off as pretentious, but she’s an amazing actress and has been for most of her career. I hated the Marvel fandom for turning on her so much because she wanted out of her contract. One big reason for that was because Marvel bailed on their agreement with her to have a woman direct the next Thor film, which I’m guessing wasn’t put in writing. No matter what people say about her, Portman works hard to get more women behind the camera making decisions, and she’ll always have my respect for that.

        1. Working Mom*

          I don’t really get the whole celebrity worship thing in general. (Worship isn’t the right word, neither is obsession… I’m thinking about people who know the day-to-day musings of celebrities.) I just don’t get it. They are multi-millionaires, which is interesting of course – they can buy incredible homes and wardrobes and cars, etc. So I do get the “if I were rich I would do X” angle. But besides that… who cares? I have some friends who are always talking about these celebrities as if they know them. I don’t *get* it.

      3. Lissa*

        Just had to add one thing to this which is that I am so so tired of people making the Sarah Jessica Parker=horse joke. It’s mean, overdone, and needs to die already.

        Though your examples are interesting because I’ve never seen anyone give Natalie Portman or Keira Knightly as irrational dislike, though have seen it with Anne Hathaway, and I’ve also seen a lot of people dislike Jennifer Lawrence…so I guess it just depends on where you are maybe?

        Do actors get the same amount of hate/scrutiny?

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          Keira Knightly got a lot more hate when she was first new on the scene and during her era of Pirates of the Caribbean and other blockbusters. It’s not as intense as it was once, but I definitely remember a time when she was the cool new actress to hate.

          I’ve always seen a lot of irrational hate for Natalie Portman. There was a lot around Black Swan more recently because of Jackie. Another blog I visit for entertainment was full of comments on the first teaser trailer about how much they irrationally dislike her. Twitter and tumblr had some of that, too.

          Actors definitely don’t get as much hate/scrutiny. I mean, people will irrationally hate a female celebrity, but they’ll handwave male celebrities who abuse women or make bigoted comments, so.

        2. Nina*

          I hate the SJP horse face thing, too. It was never funny, just mean.

          Male actors don’t get the same scrutiny, and even one the rare occasions when they do, they still get tons of acting jobs. If an actress is deemed too old/ugly/ethnic/fat, they’re deemed as a liability and don’t get as much publicity, let alone work.

        3. Anon for this*

          I’ve actually heard a lot of horrible comments about Keira Knightly, mostly about her weight or body type.

          Some male actors do get that irrational hate, but it’s less common and it usually has a hype backlash aspect to it, like I think was the case for people hating Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Lawrence. Benedict Cumberbatch is one of them. (I don’t like him, either, I just try to remember I’m talking about real people so don’t get quite as nasty about it.)

        4. Formica Dinette*

          Not only are the horse jokes mean in general, but SJP is apparently an exceptionally lovely person. I barely follow celebrity gossip and yet have been hearing for years that she is incredibly nice to everyone–from the lowliest PA on up–and extremely hard working.

    28. Bluebell*

      Chocolate – I can totally take it or leave it. And I’d rather have birthday pie than birthday cake.

    29. response*

      I don’t like pumpkin pie. (my son loves it)
      Don’t like dark chocolate, and white chocolate is what exactly?
      Don’t like dogs. Prefer cats. But being pet less is very nice.
      Have children but can understand why others don’t and have told mine do what you want, I don’t “need” grandchildren.

    30. Emmie*

      – I don’t hate Mondays! I hate cleaning my bathroom and alarm clocks!
      – Vampires are horrific!
      – Bacon belongs with eggs or on hamburgers only.

      1. Cath in Canada*

        I like Mondays! I don’t like Tuesdays. Even though I mostly really like my job, Tuesday mornings make me feel all “ugh, this again?”, without the benefit of having just had a nice relaxing weekend, and it’s still ages until the weekend.

        2. Lady Julian*

          Yes! Me, too. Tuesdays are the hardest days to get through. Mondays I’m coming off a weekend, so I’m doing great.

        1. Jean aka the Recovering Packrat*

          Question for anon because and Anion:
          I am interested in hearing more about your opinions. Do you think that sex should be restricted to marriage because that would encourage people to take seriously the ideas of commitment and community (of which married couples would be one of the primary building blocks)? I ask because while I think that people should treat their sexual partners with kindness and respect–and not get involved with anyone who has a preexisting commitment to an uninvolved third party–I don’t personally think it’s necessary for people to wait until marriage, or that a strong community cannot coexist with a few serious, respectful, responsible, non-married-but-sexually-active couples.

          tl;dr: On the continuum of opinions re premarital sex I’m not in either of your exact locations, but I agree more with you than with folks at the more permissive end of the spectrum. I’d be interested in hearing your opinions in greater detail if you wish to be more specific. If not, no worries.

          2. Anion*

            Well, it’s a number of things. Certainly what you’ve mentioned is part of it, sure, but there’s a lot more, too. I’ll try to nutshell it (and keep in mind this is just me, I can’t speak for anon because. Also, please keep in mind that I do not judge anyone, and my thoughts are not a condemnation of anyone and are not intended to hurt or upset anyone, and that for the sake of brevity, I’m generalizing). :-) These aren’t *all* my reasons, just the main ones/the ones I felt up to articulating at the moment.

            I think the “sex is no big deal” culture is and has been harmful, in general, especially to women and girls. I think it encourages us to view ourselves cheaply, and encourages men/boys to do the same. I think that idea contributes to rape culture and makes it harder for us to say no, and it shames women who do not want to share their bodies with everyone. I think it contributes greatly to the objectification of women.

            I think marriage and committed families are the backbone of society, and when we do not have them, everyone suffers to some degree. I know for a fact that statistically, children of single parents are more likely to have any number of problems, and that two parents in one household is still the best way to raise children. I think many if not most of society’s problems can be traced back to fatherlessness and the general devaluing of families. I also think that regardless of what people say about “not needing a piece of paper,” that piece of paper does actually say something, and I wonder about people unwilling to actually make a legal commitment (by which I mean I wonder about their actual level of commitment, not that I wonder if they’re weirdos or something); every couple I’ve ever known who’s insisted they didn’t need a piece of paper to prove their commitment has ended up getting that piece of paper with other people. And I think it’s very sad that people will refuse to make a real lifelong commitment to each other (whether or not it involves paper) but will make babies with each other, as though having children is a temporary thing.

            I also–and please hear me out–think sex-without-commitment-culture is partly (at least) created by, and enables, abortion, about which I am deeply conflicted. I am generally for reproductive rights/choice, let me make that clear. But as someone who had an abortion, I feel that I, and millions of other women and girls, were and are lied to/misled about it, what it means, and what it does. I will never stop regretting mine, and regretting that I bought into the “All you’ll feel is relief! It’s NBD, just a clump of cells” line I’d been hearing all my life up until that point. I believe abortion enables male irresponsibility, devalues women, and devalues life in general, and that is part and parcel of the whole “sex-NBD” thing. I think in a world that truly respected women, women wouldn’t be forced to undergo a medical procedure that can have lifelong effects (effects that may not even be clear to her for years) just so men can run away from a child they created; instead, children would not be created because the fulfillment of male sexual desires wouldn’t be considered the basis/a major part of female liberation.

            None of this, of course, is meant to imply that I think women don’t like sex or have sex drives or anything like that. Nor do I think it’s the job of women to keep men and their desires in check.

            I guess what it comes down to is I think the easy-sex/sex-is-nbd culture devalues humanity and life in general. It has the effect of lowering us, reducing us to our most basic urges; making us more animalistic rather than more civilized.

            I have two daughters, who are barely in or just about to enter their teens. We’ve had a few talks about sex. I tell them that it is a big deal, and that they shouldn’t believe that it’s not. I tell them that while I don’t truly expect them to wait until marriage, I do hope they will wait until they’re in a real committed relationship with someone they love who loves them, because they and their bodies are valuable and shouldn’t be shared with just anyone.

            2. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

              I think this is beautifully written. I disagree with some of your points, but I think you make the argument well. Thanks for coming back and posting this!

              1. Anion*

                Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kindness and willingness to listen, especially since you disagree with some of my points. It means a lot to me that you responded with such acceptance (by which I mean, acceptance of me and my thoughts, not acceptance like you now agree with me). I was honestly a little afraid to reply, but I’m glad now that I did.

      4. Kj*

        While I to think that committed relationships are important, I don’t think that sex is only for procreation. Other species have sex for fun, why not humans? That said, I think many people have sex too young, before they get the consequences and responsibilities, from standard safe sex to the ‘don’t be a jerk to your partners’. A friend of my spouse had sex for the first time at 12; although she assures me it was consensual, I don’t think sex can be consensual at that age. The ability to comprehend the life changing potential consequences just isn’t there.

      5. Anon for this*

        I’m not straight and don’t want kids. Guess I’m screwed. Or not?

        I can agree that a committed relationship is important, though.

      6. Jane D'oh!*

        I’m married for 20 years now, and we don’t ever want kids. Do you want to be the one to tell my husband?

      2. duck is right*

        I wish that either we get rid of all pit bulls or treat each animal on its own merits. I really am not a fan of blanket policies without a really good reason.

        1. Dynamic Beige*

          I think there are two kinds of people: dog owners and dog havers.

          Dog owners pick up the poop, use a leash, get their dogs obedience training and stick with it. They don’t allow their dogs to jump up on people or just generally misbehave. They have fenced in yards or otherwise keep their dogs contained so that they’re not running free all over the place but they don’t just leave them outside in all weather, either.

          Dog havers are the opposite. I do not like dog havers.

          1. Working Mom*

            THIS. All day everyday. I do NOT understand people who have dogs and do not care for them at all. Why? Why would you have a dog and give zero effort to it? I know I am preaching to the choir, but to the dog – you are it’s WHOLE world. Why would you have a dog and then (almost) completely ignore? Dogs are not cheap. Dog havers still feed them, so they are still spending money on the dog; but essentially doing nothing else. WHY?

        2. Another Academic Librarian*

          I’m sorry too. All the pit bulls I know are lap dogs with big goofy smiles and big hearts. They’re the best.

          1. Anion*

            They’re great dogs (no more so than other dogs, IMO, but that’s JMO). Until they’re not.

            And there is zero way of predicting when or if that’s going to happen–it happens with well-trained pits, it happens with family pets, it happens with neutered and un-neutered pits, it happens with pits who “never showed any signs of aggression before,” it happens with males and females; it happens at least twice a day in the US, with a human fatality every 13 days on average (and estimates of other-animal fatalities are shocking: thousands every year).

            I’m honestly not trying to debate, and I’m not suggesting anyone should come and take away your pets (I do believe the breeding of them should be banned except for licensed breeders with permits, simply because they are seriously overbred and millions of them end up in shelters every year). But my children aren’t allowed to play in homes that have pit bulls, and I will cross the street to avoid yours. Even without the statistics, I’ve personally known too many people whose beloved pet pits “turned on” one day; luckily no fatalities, but some serious injuries and disfigurements. Our old neighbor had a pit; no problems for years, just a big goofy love-bug, then one day he escaped his backyard and mauled a man on the next block, who required airlifting to the nearest Level-1 Trauma Center.

            1. catsAreCool*

              That’s terrifying. I’ve had the impression that pit bulls that turn vicious were raised that way, but I’ve never done any research on it.

              I love German Shepherds (don’t own any though), and I’ve met some very nice ones, so I’ve tried to give pit bulls the benefit of the doubt.

              1. urban teacher*

                The research that was done showed that pit bulls are the current breed to hate. Throughout American history, other dog breeds were considered to be problematic and attackers. Bloodhounds, Dobermans, German Shepherds all at one point were considered too dangerous. People got them because they wanted them to be dangerous, same with pits. Under socialization has more to do with dog attacks than breed.

                1. Anion*

                  The bloodhound in question was the Cuban Bloodhound, a pit-bull-type dog. It was not the long-eared hunting dog we know as the bloodhound.

                  Dobermans were responsible for 8 deaths in the 1980s. As a result, doberman breeders focused on improving breeding to eliminate some of the more aggressive lines, and on informing people of the breed’s special needs/natures. Same with GSDs, who killed 14 in that same decade. These issues were treated very seriously by breeders and lovers of those breeds. Now you rarely hear of a fatality involving one of those breeds–they still happen on occasion, but not in large numbers and often years go by without any.

                  In contrast, pit bulls killed 28 Americans in 2015 alone (and those numbers are normal for them; every year they’re responsible for more deaths, and more serious attacks, than every other breed COMBINED). And the response from pit breeders and lovers is “It’s not the breed’s fault!” and a refusal to even consider breeding out the more aggressive lines or recommending that only responsible people aware of the breed’s special needs own them. People who believe that propaganda often find out the hard way that it’s NOT “how you socialize them/raise them.”

                  I’m not aware of any “research” done that shows “pit bulls are the current breed to hate.” I’m aware of much research that shows that they *are* more dangerous than other dogs; more likely to kill people, more likely to mutilate people, more likely to kill or mutilate animals, than all other breeds combined–and than any other breed has ever been.

              2. Anion*

                Sadly, no, most of them were well-loved, well-raised family pets.

                I love GSDs too! One day I’ll have one, sigh. :-)

            2. Misc*

              From what I’ve read, the issue isn’t so much that they’re more likely to be aggressive – labradors (I think, or golden retrievers, one of the fluffy golden cute breeds anyway), actually attack people way more often.

              But pit bulls were bred to go for the face (because that’s where you grab the bull) and other dogs go for the arms or legs, so the damage is much, much worse.

              1. Anion*

                That’s partly it, yes. The other issues are that pit bulls were bred to attack without warning, so while a normal dog will growl and then bark, a pit bull will not give any indication that an attack is coming. People have had pits wag their tails and do a “play bow,” and then when they go to pet the dog, they’re attacked.

                Pits also do not stop an attack the way other dogs do. Most dogs do not bite unless they are cornered and their warning signs are ignored. They bite to “clear a space” to escape. You’ll get a single bite, and they jump back or run away–they just want you to leave. Pit bulls don’t stop. They were bred to keep attacking until their prey is subdued/dead, and that’s what they do. Pit owners are advised to carry a “break stick” in order to literally pry the dog’s jaws off its victim.

                All of this is part and parcel of the dog’s history. They were bred to fight. Fighting is genetic behavior for them, just the way a pointer points and a retriever retrieves; this genetic behavior feels good and right to the dog. Because it’s genetic, it cannot be trained out of the dog. Imagine training a pointer not to point! This is why many pits who attack and even kill will appear, several minutes later, not to even realize what’s happened. They weren’t being mean, they weren’t angry, they were just acting on an impulse coded into their DNA.

                That’s not to say that ALL pits will attack a person–they won’t!–just that whether or not they will has nothing to do with ownership or how they were raised.

                The latest death just a few days ago, of six-year-old Isaiah Jacob Franklin, occurred in front of adults; the dog responsible had been raised with Isaiah and, according to the adults present, was completely unprovoked. Isaiah was playing a video game with his back to the dog; the dog just suddenly lunged. This is typical behavior. Very few of these attacks and deaths have a real “trigger.” They do not occur because a child or adult was teasing the dog or beating the dog.

                1. Lissa*

                  Yeah, I agree with you, for the most part. And I would *never* say this on my social media because I would get screamed at by multiple people. I had a boss who was over at his friend’s house, and the loving family pit bull mauled his face — he was scarred for life and never the same due to complications. I also think the immediate rage-out defensiveness of owners does not help.

    33. Lily Evans*

      Also, I love watching TV shows and make no secret of that, but I never seem to get into the really super popular shows. People act like it’s blasphemous that I say I love TV but haven’t seen Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones and gave up on The Walking Dead. But I don’t like watching things that kill characters off all the time or just have really depressing storylines.

      1. Cass*

        Same here with Game of Thrones. I watched an episode or two and I can’t explain it, it just made me profoundly uncomfortable.

        1. Emily*

          Yes! I watched it, didn’t like the first few episodes because they made me feel unhappy and uncomfortable, stuck with it and ended up getting into the show for a bit…and then quit a couple of seasons later because it was making me uncomfortable.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I’m starting to agree with you about giving up on TWD. But we’ll see–I’ll stick with it a bit longer. Mostly because I’m a huge Daryl Dixon fan. Not crushing; I just think he’s cool.

        1. Elkay*

          I’m almost ready to give up on TWD too, it feels like they’ve run out of ideas but I think the comics are still running so surely they have lots of source material.

      3. all aboard the anon train*

        I agree. I attempted to watch Breaking Bad, but it didn’t hold my interest. I watched Game of Thrones because I had read the books long before the show was even on the horizon, but I stopped watching the show early on. While I enjoyed the books, I didn’t think they were groundbreaking or amazing the way some people do, and it definitely got to the point where the stories were so bleak that I had no interest in reading on. I probably won’t even read the other books whenever they do come out. Also because if it ends how I think it’ll end, I’ll hate that I invested all the time into it.

        I enjoy a good serious storyline, but when everything in the show is bleak with no light at the end of the tunnel, I can’t bring myself to watch it.

        1. Anion*

          That’s why we stopped watching Walking Dead. I like dark–I write dark–but I can’t take it if there’s no hope. The point of darkness is to contrast it with light, to show the light still exists; WD has become unrelenting misery, cynicism, tragedy, and hopelessness, and that’s just not entertaining.

          1. all aboard the anon train*

            Exactly. I think that’s why I felt so betrayed at the end of The Dark Tower series. I suspect ASOIAF and GoT will end on a similar note. GRRM has said as much of ASOIAF and while I do think a big, fluffy ending would be off-key for that series, I’m fed up enough with what happened in the past two books. If the show is any indication of events in the books not yet published, I have no desire to see the ending.

            I can deal with dark and depressing endings for a single movie or book, but not a long series.

          2. Emma*

            Yeah. And I think what annoys me the most about this kind of unrelenting darkness is how people will insist it’s far more realistic than anything more hopeful. I don’t like long-running things that wallow in darkness because I quickly stop caring about the story*, but I have to admit, I often avoid even trying things marketed as dark, grim, or “realistic” because of that fan reaction.

            *I like horror stories, but there’s a fine balance with horror – if it drags on too long it stops being horrific and scary, and becomes boring or even funny.

      4. Lissa*

        I am so over the trend of killing off main characters excessively! Sometimes it can be done well, but at this point, it’s just gratuitious and IMO often makes the show actively worse. For me, the Game of Thrones *novels* walked the line really well and the show goes *way* over it. I never found the character-killing in the novels to be done badly and sometimes found the amount of hype around characters getting killed overstated, but in the show it’s way worse.

        My issue with it is that very often what ends up happening is that the show kills off a really beloved, emotionally accessible character — the “heart” of the show. And yes, you get a couple really powerful episodes dealing with the loss of that character. And then they’re gone. And the show is worse.

        There’s one popular anime that did this (I won’t say what because spoilers) and I see why they killed off the character they did but to me it tore out the heart of the show which was the dynamic between two characters.

        I don’t like plot armor when it feels ridiculous, but I wish people would think of the overall health of their show not just what’s “most shocking”.

      2. tink*

        Same. I tell people that give me grief that it’s just more for them. There’s something about the taste/texture intersection that doesn’t work for me.

        1. The Kurgen*

          Tried and tried to love avocados, guacamole, and their ilk but cannot. The texture is off somehow and they taste of nothingness.

    36. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t like sports either, except for skating and most of the stuff during the Winter Olympics. That’s the only time I watch them. Yes, I will sit there and watch people ski jump and I have no idea why.

      I don’t like mushrooms. When I lived in Delaware, saying this was tatamount to drop-kicking a puppy, judging by the looks on people’s faces.

      I like sunny days, but I don’t like being in the sun.

      I hate Chick-fil-A. HATE IT. It’s just a greasy breaded chicken sandwich, and not even a good one at that. Again, around here, I might as well hate kittens and Jesus too.

      Bonnie Fide said she doesn’t like strapless wedding gowns. I don’t either. Every single bride wears these. I am so sick of them. If (when, please) I get married, I’d like an Arwen dress, actually.

      And also around here, I have to be very careful with whom I share that I absolutely despise camouflage clothing/fabric/furniture.

      1. Anonyby*

        Whee! Opinion twins! (Though my feelings about Chick-fil-A are purely political as I’ve never eaten them. And I don’t actually mind strapless wedding gowns beyond the fact that they’re overdone.)

      2. katamia*

        LOL. I hate mushrooms too, and not because they’re fungus and I have Issues around eating fungus. I just find the texture and taste incredibly unpleasant.

        People do camouflage furniture? I’ve never seen/heard of such a thing.

          1. QualityControlFreak*

            I love camouflage. I have … a lot … of camouflage clothing. Camouflage furniture? Uh, no.

      3. HoVertical*

        Hurgle blurgle on the Chick-fil-A thing. Bland, flavourless, and the bun of the one sandwich I tried was so saturated with frialator grease that it was flaking away in the wrapper. Absolutely horrendous.

        +1 on the camo clothing/fabric/furniture. Doubly so since my neighbor’s kid went to her junior prom wearing a Mossy Oak-trimmed pale green dress…and the trim matched her date’s bow tie and cummerbund.

        1. QualityControlFreak*

          To be clear, I do not wear camouflage to formal events. I wear it in the woods or on the job site.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            If you’re using it for the purpose it was intended–CAMOUFLAGE–then it’s fine. But it’s a little strange for a fashion choice. Especially in colors like pink and purple. Then it really looks weird!

            I love those Buzzfeed posts where they make fun of people wearing it by saying how sad it is that the people they’re with are all alone. XD

      4. Emma*

        I fucking hate mushrooms. Most other foods, even if I usually dislike them there’s at least one preparation I can find that I enjoy. Not so with mushrooms – and I’m sick of people telling me I just haven’t tried.

        My weird opinion: I think mushrooms are beautiful and I love to draw them. I just despise actually eating them.

          1. Emma*

            Sorry! I actually try not to but I, er, am kind of immodest in my language usually (…okay, I swear like an effing sailor) and every so often one slips past without me catching it. I’ll try harder, I promise.

    37. The Cosmic Avenger*

      An entry for both this thread and the “favorite desserts this time of year” thread below: I freaking LOVE fruitcake. I would eat a pound for breakfast every day if I thought I’d survive more than a week! I honestly don’t get the hate.

      3. Emma*

        I like the ones that don’t have either pineapple or maraschino cherries in. I just don’t like those two fruits in any context.

      4. Windchime*

        OMG. I love fruitcake, too. I always buy myself one at this time of year and hack it up into a couple of pieces; some to freeze for later and some to eat now. Mmmmmm. Love it.

    38. T3k*

      I don’t like coffee. It doesn’t matter if it’s in a drink or in food, hot or cold, straight or heavily covered with another flavor. I can’t get over the awful taste. Funny thing is, I love Baileys.

    39. Girasol*

      Great conversation starter!! I don’t do makeup or hair color. I don’t need to paint myself like a china doll because I’m real to begin with. And heels…whoever thought those things up, anyway? There’s a reason Barbie’s legs end in ambiguous squiggles: heels aren’t shaped anything like feet!

      2. lemonjelly*

        Hmm… I appreciate and very much support your choice to not “do” makeup or hair color, but I resent the implication that I’m not a real person for enjoying both of those things. Hair color and makeup don’t have to be about conforming to expectations, or trying to hide what I look like, or anything even remotely related to being incomplete without them – like so many other things in life, they are simply tools that can be used in many different ways and for many different purposes. For me personally, it’s a fun outward, physical expression of my own interests, personality, and preferences. I really enjoy getting to play with bright colors and sparkles, or dark colors and shadows, or whatever the hell else I might feel like on any given day. And I am still a real person, even if my hair isn’t a natural color and I’m wearing shiny eye shadow. You’re a real person, regardless of the state of your hair or face too.
        I do very much sympathize with wanting to buck against the pressure women are constantly up against to conform to society’s very narrow beauty standards (in fact I like to think I’m doing the same thing sometimes, but from the opposite side – brightly colored hair in an environment that doesn’t typically do such things can be a statement, too), but knocking other women for how they choose to present their appearance isn’t going to help anyone – it’s only pitting more women against each other instead of against people and companies perpetuating such unrealistic ideals. It’s great to make a choice for yourself and your values, but that doesn’t mean you have to denigrate others’ for yours to be valid.

    40. Judgy*

      I think celebrity gossip is an abomination. I immediately loose respect for people who partake in that culture.

      I don’t like playing video games. And really don’t understand the appeal of those first person shooter games.

      1. manderw*

        I hear you on both. I just do. not. care. about celebrity gossip. It’s beyond boring to me, and any time I see someone in public reading a gossip magazine or talking about it I immediately dismiss them.

        I used to like playing Doom on the playstation but that’s the only video game I ever really got into, and that was mainly because my roommate played it constantly so it was through osmosis. But I have zero interest in other games at all.

        Also I hardly watch any TV. Sometimes I wonder why I bother to pay for the TV license but we have a Tivo and record a bunch of stuff like old Star Trek episodes to binge watch when we have the time, so I guess it’s worthwhile for that.

      2. Tris Prior*

        I am not offended by porn but I think it is silly and ridiculous and when my ex tried to get me to watch it with him he got so annoyed with me. Because I just could not stop laughing at it. I have no idea how people get turned on by it.

      3. Anon for this*

        Written porn is fine. But videos are gross.

        They also make me feel like I walked in something I wasn’t supposed to see; I should shut the door and apologize to the actors.

    42. Mags*

      I hate bright sunny days and utterly loathe hot weather.

      Slightly related. Flip flops are beach ware. Not proper shoes.

          1. Windchime*

            Same here. And I think that Johnny Depp is pretentious and looks like he needs to take a shower. He just looks like he would probably smell bad.

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I don’t like actors who are always cast as a commitment-phobic man-boy. I look at Matthew McConnaghey or Hugh Grant and I think they’re good-looking, but I don’t develop a celebrity crush on them because I don’t like the man-boy type.

    43. Mimmy*

      I could totally sign on to a lot of these!!!

      – I am not a pet person. Dogs, cats, nada! Yet, I enjoy funny cat videos.
      – Same deal with children. Yet, I like pictures of cute kids.
      I know this makes me sound heartless, but I am far from it, I promise!

      I also tend not to jump on the bandwagon of wildly popular shows. For example, my husband LOVES Game of Thrones, but I just cannot get into it. In terms of books, I only enjoy nonfiction and (don’t laugh) textbooks!

    45. paul*

      Kansas city BBQ is an abomination.

      Pixar is overrated (though there are a few real gems in their catalog, I’ll give them that)

      OWoD is better than D&D

      1. zora*

        HAHA you are like the Bizarro version of my boyfriend. He works for Pixar, insists that anything other than KC BBQ is not allowed to call itself BBQ. Or maybe he’s the Bizarro-paul. ;o)

      2. Red Reader*

        oWoD yes. (My fiancé and I met over a decade ago at a GenCon oWoD LARP. I’m now its head storyteller after he stepped down from a six-year term.)

        (But our Pathfinder group is supposed to be here in about two hours.)

      3. Chaordic One*

        Not just Kansas City BBQ, BBQ in general is something I can’t stand. Interesting sauces full of sugar on top of dubious fatty meat. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I don’t really like dining al fresco or even picnics. It’s like they’re O.K. at best, but not great.

      4. Lissa*

        I like NWoD which is a hugely unpopular opinion among many many nerds and I don’t care! I still like some of the OWoD games too though.

        1. paul*

          i haven’t gotten to try NWoD; everyone had kids and some of us moved and we just don’t meet anymore. Makes me sad

    46. SophieChotek*

      Okay I am not an outdoors person.

      I mean 10-15 minutes in an awesome beautiful sight (the Alps, Yellowstone, Amazon Rainforest,etc.) sounds awesome…but I don’t want the work to get there. I like walking (for exercising), but I’d rather do it inside on a track or on a treadmill (not outside communing with nature.) It can be beautiful outside (not too hot, not too cold) and you’ll still find me inside reading a book or doing something random on my computer.

      1. Lily Evans*

        I’m the same way. I always joke that I like my nature “manicured” like a nice park or a tourist spot that’s well-maintained and has bathrooms. Nature and I just don’t get along. I don’t mind spending time outside with a specific purpose, but I’m not the type to just go for a walk just because. I had a co-worker once who I was friends with, but her reaction to me not liking the outdoors was super over the top. She couldn’t seem to wrap her head around anyone not enjoying being outside. And honestly nature kind of creeps me out. I don’t think I could do a hiking trip where you spend actual days not seeing other people.

        1. catsAreCool*

          I don’t like camping. I’m ok with going for a walk in nature, but then I want to be able to find a good bathroom and also to be able to eat food that is heated up indoors, without bugs hovering around.

          1. Elkay*

            Me too. I used to happily go camping but over the last few years I want to go walking then go back to a shower and being inside. Switzerland was amazing, at the end of every trail there was a proper toilet and cafe, I can get on board with that kind of being outside.

          2. Dr. KMnO4*

            Camping is so overrated. Even when there are bathrooms nearby they are usually quite gross. I have slept in a tent exactly one night in my life and hopefully that is the only time. Insects are, though necessary for our ecosystem, just the worst.

            1. Juli G.*

              Yep. Since getting married, we’ve been camping a few times with friends and that’s sort of fun because it’s a big group of people to hang with. My husband suggested that we go with just our two kids and I do not get it. Uh, the four of us can hang out for a weekend at home and have indoor plumbing.

    47. DragoCucina*

      +10000 on sports. And I would go out in the cold to watch what….?!

      I don’t read sci-fi/fantasy. Especially now that I’m not working with teens. Will binge watch ST: TOS, NG; BSG; Supetnatural; iZombie; etc. I would rather read a Matthew Shardlake mystery.

    49. zora*

      I HATE manis and pedis. hate them so much. And so many of my friends and family see them as the ultimate relaxing indulgence.

      Also hate amusement parks/theme parks, especially roller coasters of any kind.

      I love rain and fog, I don’t get it when people complain about rain all the time, I love it when it’s raining it makes me feel cozy and happy. It’s so much better than snow, snow is the worst.

      1. Reba*

        I share these opinions!

        But I like snow, too. I like cold weather because I like changes in weather, generally (I am from North America with seasons but have also lived in places with almost no seasonal changes) and because I like getting bundled up in warm clothes, layers and mittens and the whole nine yards, and being warm in the cold. I hate *being* cold.

      2. Sarah in DC*

        I also hate mani/pedis so I’m often the party pooper when someone suggests it as a relaxing group activity. My feet are extremely ticklish so pedicures are just physically a no go, but in general nail places are staffed/run very unethically so I’m not a huge fan of giving them my money. They also can be pretty unsanitary and cutting/aggressively pushing back cuticles is a great way to get an infection.

        1. zora*

          I just am really uncomfortable letting someone mess with my fingers and toes, it just squicks me out. And then on top of that I also have issues with the unethical nature of most nail places and the toxic chemicals, but I would not do them anyway even if they fixed all of that. And yeah, I feel like such a party pooper when I’m like, no, I don’t wanna do that. It’s like I kicked someone’s puppy!

      3. Katie the Sensual Wristed Fed*

        I just think manis/pedis are a waste of money. I can paint my own nails and save $50

    50. Anonyby*

      I don’t like tea. I’m pretty much the only one in my friend group that doesn’t. (Opinions on coffee are mixed, so I don’t stand out as much there.)

      I have zero interest in watching Buffy. Or Angel. Or Firefly. Or Dollhouse (though that’s less revered in my friend group).

      Shows like Game of Thrones and Walking Dead are just too dark for me. And I can’t handle zombie stuff at all.

      I don’t actually like comic books. They’re just over and done too quickly when I’m reading them.

      Can we get some more documentaries on the parts of history people don’t normally talk about? The lives of commoners. How clothing & food were produced. The lives of women of all stations. How were things like sex and periods and pregnancy handled?

      1. Anonyby*

        Also don’t like BBQ. I do not like mixing sweet with savory, and BBQ sauces are sooo sooo sweet. (I have a huge sweet tooth when it comes to desserts. But that’s desserts. That’s not all over my meat.)

        Also, when you add something besides bread and cheese to a sandwich, it is NO LONGER a grilled cheese sandwich, tyvm. At that point it’s a melt.

        1. chickabiddy*

          I live in NC and many of our barbecue sauces are mustard- and vinegar-based. I like these. I do not like sticky sweet ketchup-y sauces.

        2. Anion*

          YES! I am hardline on the grilled cheese-or-melt thing. If there’s anything other than cheese in there, it’s a melt, period.

      2. Emma*

        I would be all over those documentaries. More history stuff in general!

        My unpopular opinion: up until I got rid of my TV a couple years ago (so I don’t know if their programming’s changed again) I used to watch all the Ancient Aliens crap on the History channel because that stuff is hilarious.

        I’m a historian, so I should probably never admit that when using my real name.

      3. Emily*

        I like Buffy and Firefly, but I can understand why people wouldn’t! Joss Whedon has some stylistic quirks that would get suuuper annoying if I didn’t mostly enjoy them.

    51. Tris Prior*

      I am a nerd who hates all kinds of gaming. Board games, card games, larping, D&D, video games. I will play old school arcade games but that is about it. I find them boring and kind of stressful (having to remember rules is not something I find fun). I would much rather talk or make art or something but gaming is social lubricant for nerds. It makes it hard for me to meet people who otherwise have similar interests because sooner or later out come the games.

      I also hate pop. All pop, regular or diet. It tastes like sweet chemicals to me.

      1. Lima Joe Coo*

        I am so with you on hating having to remember all the rules for games. I love games otherwise but as soon as I have to devote a lot of mental energy to it, I’m out.

      2. KJ*

        I hate soda too! Can’t stand anything carbonated.

        Although, I love, love, love gaming and with my husband, own in excess of 200 games (board and RPG). If you are interested in finding a game you could stand to play, if you haven’t tried story games, you might want to give them a shot- they have few rules, are really creative and are less stressful for me when I cannot cope with remembering rules. Quiet Year is really easy to learn/play and has few rules to remember. They serve the social lubricant role, but are pretty fun even for folks who don’t love games. Think of them as a semi-structured way of playing pretend. Quiet Year even involves some very basic art.

      3. hermit crab*

        I don’t really like games either! (Honestly, I am totally OK with minimalist games with simple rules, like Scrabble, Acquire, backgammon, or classic card games. But games where you have to learn a whole new vocabulary before you even start really piss me off. I hate Settlers of Catan with the passion of a thousand burning suns!)

    52. Katie the Fed*

      I hate all-incusive resorts. I’d probably hate cruises too but I’ve never been on one.

      I think they’re a scourge. They’re bad for the host country and the environment. They restrict locals from their own resources because the country’s government would rather cater to tourists. And you don’t get to claim you went to [insert foreign country] when you never saw anything but the beach and the bars/restaurants.

    53. Katie the Fed*

      Also, I think Florence and Venice are overrated.The art in Florence is incredible, but nothing else felt that authentic. Both places were overrun with tourists and seemed more like caricatures of Italy than an interesting cultural experience.

        1. Katie the Fed*

          You should go if you want to go! Especially since it’s sinking and they want to limit tourists. I don’t have the same tastes as everyone :)

        2. The Unkind Raven*

          I lived in Venice for a few years. Venice is still my favorite part of Italy, a country I have traveled pretty comprehensively. Avoid Carnevale and the summer months and you should be fine, tourist-wise.

      2. Jen RO*

        I hated Venice too. It was so, so full of tourists and it was impossible for me to enjoy it. Florence was a bit better, but I found most of the attractions in Italy to be overcrowded.

        2. Katie the Fed*

          I’d like to see some of Italy that’s more…Italian. Maybe Sicily would be nice. I actually like Rome a lot.

      3. Your Weird Uncle*

        I’ve never been to Florence, but I couldn’t agree more about Venice. I was *so* disappointed. The architecture is beautiful, don’t get me wrong, and I enjoyed taking the water taxis, but other than that, it was just obvious that everything they do in that city is geared toward taking tourists’ money. Such a shame.

    54. KJ*

      Along the lines of your post, I find sportball-watching silly. I also think that gym class in school is really not useful, as teaching kids how to play a team sport does not help them maintain their fitness as an adults, as few adults have time for team sportball practice. I’d rather see schools teaching functional fitness that can be done independently, without tons of equiptment- running, walking, yoga, simple weights, even cycling (bikes can be cheap and it is easy to do.)

      1. Soanonforthis*

        Pets in human clothes. Looks ridiculous and robs the animals of their dignity. (Can also be dangerous to the wearer.) Cats in bonnets and dogs wearing sunglasses and bandanas are not cute.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        You do have a great suggestion, that schools teach kids things that they can do on their own and hopefully, carry over into adulthood.

        1. Kj*

          I work with kids and it drives me crazy when they tell me they failed the basketball unit of gym class; basketball is not a life skill or academic need. Also, I hate when kids are marked down for being uncoordinated. It isn’t something practice can really fix- you can minorly improve, but may never be great at sports ball. Ugh, I could rant about this all day.

    55. Mononymous*

      I detest chocolate. As in, the smell of warmed chocolate literally makes me start to gag if it’s strong or in an enclosed space. I refuse to eat any amount of it. Milk or dark chocolate, Hershey’s or super fancy imported, doesn’t matter. Nasty. I do enjoy white chocolate though, and can RARELY enjoy a small amount of chocolate baked goods like a brownie or Oreo-type cookie, maybe once a year or so.

      (To be fair, I did used to like chocolate, but I now have this aversion due to having a stomach bug and not knowing it until after I’d eaten some Halloween candy when I was a kid. Choco-puke coming out my nose spoiled it for me forever.)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I don’t care for solid chocolate after touring a famous chocolate bar producing plant. Back in the 60s you could actually be in the room with the vats of chocolate. By vat I mean something the size of a living room with liquid chocolate several feet deep. Yeah you probably could go for a swim in it, it was that large.

        The smell was overwhelming. And the smell permeated the whole building. When we were in the lobby and the smell was intense. By the time we reached the shop floor you could open your mouth and taste the chocolate because the smell was that heavy.

        That cured me on solid chocolate. I do like some chocolate, hot fudge is nice and I probably like the dark chocolate because it does not remind me of that smothering cloud of sweetness we inhaled that day.

        They no longer have these tours, I suppose because of health code. But I have to wonder if they figured out it was not always helping their sales, either.

        1. Mononymous*

          Argh, that sounds like a nightmare for me! I can only imagine how that smell must cling to the workers there. Wonder if any of them can still eat the products they make? (And I thought the sandwich smell in my clothes from working at a Subway was annoying…)

        2. Jean aka the Recovering Packrat*

          You bring back childhood memories of touring a candy factory because one of the neighborhood dads worked there. Yes, it was in the 1960s and yes, we were able to go right next to the huge vats of chocolate. The dad who was our guide reminded us all not to chew gum so that nobody would open his or her mouth in amazement and drop chewed gum into the vat. (Yummy. Not.)

          If I recall correctly, when we went back to that factory several years later (with a different group of people) the building had been redesigned to contain the tour behind large glass windows at all times. I remember being disappointed that we could no longer get up close and personal to the vats.

          It’s funny to see how a random internet comment can uncover information buried in our brains decades earlier.

    56. hermit crab*

      I don’t like to travel! Planning trips stresses me out and so does the actual act of traveling. I don’t think I’m closed-minded, but I would much rather learn about other places by reading about them, talking to people who are from there, looking at other people’s vacation photos (which I actually enjoy!), watching documentaries, etc.

      I think part of this is that I grew up in a touristy place and have this irrational townie mentality where I sort of assume all the locals resent me whenever I go somewhere that I don’t “belong.” I do occasionally enjoy visiting people or traveling to go hiking/camping, but I’d rather get a root canal than plan a trip to an unfamiliar city!

      1. catsAreCool*

        I sometimes like being at new places, but long drives and/or flying kinda wears me out. I don’t mind flying itself, but the cramped seating, the long lines, waiting and hurrying up, barely enough room for luggage is tiring.

      2. Victoria, Please*

        Right there with you. I hate to travel, too. My husband loves it and I’m afraid when he retires he’s going to want to Travel All the Places and we’re going to break up. (I don’t think we’ll break up.) But I hope he finds someone else to go with, his daughter or a friend or someone.

        1. Katie the Fed*

          I was on a safari in Kenya and met a retired woman who was on her own – her husband doesn’t like to travel and she just does her own thing. It works well for them.

    57. Amy*

      I’m hugely annoyed by people who ask for samples at ice cream counters. It holds up the line for everyone and just seems generally stupid. You should know what you like, and even if you don’t, I mean, it’s ice cream… they’re all tasty. Make a freaking choice. You’re picking a snack, not signing a mortgage.

      Everyone I have ever told this to in person thinks I’m a gigantic bummer.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        LOL, not signing a mortgage. ha!

        I feel the same way about lottery tickets. I have to get to work, I don’t want to wait for someone to pick out their 27 lottery tickets one at a time.

      2. Lady Julian*

        Ha! I love samples because it’s basically free ice cream. I make it a point to get a couple when I go out, just so I can try more kinds than the one I wind up getting. (I do let people go in front of me if they know what they want, though . . . )

      3. all aboard the anon train*

        A lot of the ice cream places in my city have weird flavors, so I if I want one of them, you bet I’m going to try it instead of buying something I potentially won’t like. I’ve been burned enough by not tasting before buying a “unique” flavor. Some of them are disgusting.

        I try to limit it to one or two though.

      4. Reba*

        There is a fabulous Iranian ice cream place in LA where one of the owners almost refuses to sell you what you initially ask for–even if you have been there before and know what you are ordering–and insists that you taste lots of her suggestions, alone and in combination, before deciding. The whole thing is an experience.

        1. Mike C.*

          I love places that tell you that you’re ordering the wrong thing and then what you get is ten times better.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Something is wrong with me. If someone tells me they won’t sell me what I ask for I am NOT HAPPY. If I stayed long enough to find out my question would be then why-oh-why is it on the menu?

    58. Felicia*

      I don’t like summer, and love winter. I would never want to vacation somewhere warm in winter though i have been forced to as a child

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I hated casseroles in general as a kid. I did not like foods all mixed together. As an adult, I learned that allergy can cause that type of picky eating. I really could not handle foods all mixed together and needed a simple food diet.
        I ate a lot of casseroles because “you have to eat the food you are given” and dragged myself around for days, wondering why I was so logy.

    60. chickabiddy*

      I have been separated for a year and a half and am actively working towards divorce (long story). I have absolutely no interest in dating. I am *definitely* not pining away for my ex, I am not bitter or angry towards men as a species, and I do miss certain physical aspects of being in a relationship, but I am just not interested in putting myself out there. I hated the whole dating thing when I was younger and don’t want to deal with it again. I’m fat and middle-aged and dress primarily for comfort (and don’t wear makeup, don’t dye my hair, etc.) and while I’m working on the fat part for health reasons I don’t really care enough about the rest to try to make myself conventionally appealing.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        There’s lot us out there! I am happy on my own and feel no big need to date. Relationships are a lot of work and I am enjoying my quiet time.

      2. Windchime*

        This is me. And my secret is that I’ve been divorced for 20 years now. I tried dating a little in the beginning but it just was so much work. I’ve found that I’m happier alone. At this moment, I am lying on the sofa next to my partially-decorated tree. I have nobody to worry about except for myself. I don’t have to be anywhere or do anything for anyone. It’s just me, and I like it that way.

    62. Dynamic Beige*

      People don’t talk about it much here, but some people I know are really into Outlander. I mean *really* into it, cosplay and everything. They post on FB about how much they can’t wait for the new season on TV and other things.

      Kind of like with GoT, I liked the first few books (long though they were). But when the last one came out, I started reading it, found it boring and repetitive, went “meh” and lost interest. I admitted to one of these people that I just wanted it to be over, I wanted them to finally die. Because after all the “oh no, $ThisThing happened and s/he’s dead! Oh, no you’re not! But let’s fight and then have fantastic sex” I’m just over it. I get it, they’re star-crossed lovers/soulmates through time and space — you made that point early on (and often). But now they’ve crossed the Atlantic multiple times, rubbed elbows with way too many famous figures from that time in history and… no. Make it stop. Please. I read somewhere that she doesn’t use an editor, well she should and get some new ideas FFS.

      1. Stellaaaaa*

        More than with most series that were expanded, you can tell that Outlander was originally supposed to be a trilogy. The central event of the books was a lesser known battle that occurred in the second book. By the third book, they’re no longer living in Scotland (I feel like Gabaldon moved them to a region whose history was most familiar to her). As Jamie ages, I grow more and more frustrated by his easy willingness to participate in illegal and dangerous business dealings. I hate the Brianna/Roger romance. They fight hard and love harder!

        I’m going to keep reading and watching because I don’t like to let go of characters whose beginnings are still meaningful to me.

    64. Aardvark*

      I don’t get the appeal of fandoms. I like/have opinions on a lot of nerdy things that have followings, but I don’t really understand the desire to define one’s identity by the media one enjoys.

      1. Emma*

        Eh, in my case, it’s less defining my identity and more hanging out with people who I can talk to about the stuff we enjoy. There aren’t many people local to me into the same stuff I am.

    65. Lissa*

      I love most “controversial” foods. Brussel sprouts? Yum! Olives? Bring it on! Blue cheese? Sign me up! Cilantro, mushrooms, horseradish? Yes yes yes!

      I hate all the introvert memes I see ever, and all the articles that have sprung up around introversion seem inconsistent as hell. I feel like everyone on the internet defines themselves as an introvert and uses varying definitions of the word.

      1. Amy*

        1000x yes on the introvert thing. Ugh. Hard eyeroll every time I see some inane listicle about introverts.

        Also, any article or statement that includes “_____-shaming”/”bullying” (overused by click-baity sites to the point of being meaningless, which is a shame) or disability porn (as in, this person has no arms or legs but still runs marathons and never has a bad day and is just so happy to be alive and people with disabilities who don’t act this way are doing it wrong).

        1. Anon for this*

          I’m done with “-shaming.” Just… ugh. It’s meaningless to the point that I have seen “shaming” articles that boiled down to “someone looked at me while I was feeling insecure – they shamed me!”

          Sometimes “disability porn” about someone with my same condition is inspiring, but I get your problem with them overall.

      2. Stellaaaaa*

        Introversion is one of those things (like Dr. Who) that’s vastly over-represented on the internet. In reality I find that most people fall toward the middle of the introvert/extrovert scale, especially as we age out of our early 20s. I enjoy a good night out and meeting new people and I’m naturally outgoing but I almost always need to spend the next day avoiding people. But the internet would call me an introvert because of how I “recharge” and I don’t think it’s useful to use the label in that way.

        1. Lissa*

          I think some of the “I am a lonely introvert in a world of extroverts” thing is emphasized by the Internet, which decided for awhile that introverts were awesome and the best people but also very rare. I also think some of it is because we live in our heads but don’t see the inside of other people’s heads. I think most people fall in the middle of the scale and need recharge/alone time sometimes, but we don’t usually *see* others doing those things. someone in the middle of the scale will go out partying Friday but spend Saturday with a book, but their friends will only see them at the party. That kind of thing.

      3. Emma*

        I love all of those but mushrooms.

        On the introvert thing: one of the funniest and most frustrating things is watching my very extroverted sister insist she’s an introvert, try to act like one (or rather, her stereotypes of introverts), get miserable as hell, and then insist she can’t go out and socialize with her friends because she’s supposedly an introvert.

        I am an introvert. You bet your ass I still socialize with my friends. And yeah, those memes and lists annoy me too – I found the first few I saw kind of empowering, because I really did have to deal as a kid with people deciding something was wrong with me because of my introversion, but you’re right – they are contradictory, no one seems to have a consistent idea of what they mean by “introvert,” and it’s getting to the point where I think the backlash against extroversion is going too far. No, extroverts aren’t stupid, they’re not out to deliberately make your introverted life miserable, and their desire to socialize isn’t somehow less okay than my desire to not socialize.

      4. Anon for this*

        Nobody wants to be in the middle of the introversion/extraversion scale. It’s boring, I guess. Just like everyone wants an MBTI type, nobody wants to be balanced between two traits, even if their score is 50/50.

        My thoughts on MBTI’s validity aside. :)

        1. Emma*

          Hehehe, on MBTI, I go back and forth on every pair except introversion-extroversion, where I’m as extreme an introvert as possible. Other than the I, my “type” changes literally every time I take that damn test, and I’ve only gotten the exact same type twice, out of more than a dozen times I’ve taken the thing now.

          I think that’s more fun than having a set type, honestly.

      5. Not So NewReader*

        I seriously question the “experts” as some articles insist most people are more introverted and other articles insist most people are more extroverted. I believe that most people lean toward introversion more often than not.

    66. Piano Girl*

      I think LulaRoe legging are stupid. Why would I want to wear unicorns on my legs?? I also think cantaloupe is disgusting!
      Whew, I feel better now…

      1. Katie the Fed*

        So those don’t seem to have hit the DC suburbs yet (thankfully) but I was somewhere a few weeks ago and was surrounded by women wearing them. Ick.

    67. Nerfmobile*

      I don’t care much for dogs. Not afraid in any way, just, eh. I live in a region that is pretty “doggy”, and I am not a fan of having them around so much. My workplace allows people to bring dogs in, and when they announced that the landlord of our building was considering banning them, many people made a huge fuss. Me? I was silently cheering it on. Ah well, the landlord relented for now, but the dog owners are on notice that any problems or breaking of rules (eg, no dogs in the elevator) may result in a ban.

    68. Emma*

      Spinach is proof the gods love us and want us to be happy. Popeye was my hero growing up, no joke.

      Secular businesses shouldn’t put up Christmas decorations or pipe in Christmas carols. Yes, that includes non-religious Christmas carols – we all know what holiday they’re still celebrating, and just taking Jesus out of the equation doesn’t make Christmas somehow not a Christian holiday. This goes doubly if you’re putting this stuff up/piping the music outside, where I can’t even avoid it by not entering your store.

      I know I’m never gonna win that fight, and I know that none of those retailers give a damn about a single solitary put-out customer, but there are so many stores I do my best to avoid for about a quarter of the year because of this. It never used to bother me, but I find it increasingly alienating – more for the way I’m expected to just suck it up than for the actual decor/music.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I find it annoying, too. Follow the money. If there were no big bucks in Christmas then no one would be playing Christmas music. For me it’s the insincerity of the businesses and the big commercial push, I find the constant Christmas music annoying because it is like saying “we want allll your money”.
        And I go to church. Christmas used to be special, now it’s just commercial. People plowing each other over to buy stuff, really? how festive. not.

    69. Brussels manager*

      I don’t like trying new food. I’m not a food tourist. I’m not interested in the topic and having to eat something new stresses me.

      I travel for work quite a bit and I must generally hide this as it is considered good manners to try any food you are offered, especially “local / traditional” food.

      When I’m on work trips of more than two days I always try to escape one meal to eat in a McDonald’s and recharge (emotional) batteries. McDonald’s quarter pounder and fries tastes exactly the same in Brussels, Beijing and Buenos Aires…

      1. Jen RO*

        My favorite food is steak and fries, I could eat it every day. My boyfriend likes to cook, so I usually have to find something more exciting… and then I feel guilty because my “problem” is that I can’t decide what someone else should cook for me!

        I have also been known to sneak into a McDonalds while abroad, because it was so much easier than trying to figure out what is in the local food and whether I’d enjoy it or not.

      2. Katie the Fed*

        My unpopular opinion (at least in my circles) – I freaking love McDonalds. I know it’s garbage food, and I don’t eat it much, but there’s something about McNuggets and fries that’s just always there when you want it. :) I like foreign and exotic foods too, but I don’t judge McDonalds. It’s delicious.

        1. Me2*

          Embarrassingly right there with you. Their plain burgers are the best, I don’t like drippy, greasy burgers with tons of condiments so the McD kids burgers are just right. Plus sometimes you just want to know what you’re going to get.

    71. Emily*

      I didn’t really like The Book of Mormon (the musical, not the religious text) very much. And it feels like everyone else I’ve ever talked to (my mom, friends, classmates, friends’ parents, etc.) lists it as one of their favorite musicals!

      The worst is when it comes up in conversation and people find out that I’ve seen it – I feel like such a party pooper if I admit that I’m not that fond of it. I’m not trying to put anyone down, I just don’t want to lie.

      1. Me2*

        My whole family, self, husband and son, didn’t like it either. We thought it was pretty sophmoric and obvious. People actually get mad when you say you didn’t care for it.

      2. Searching*

        While I loved it, I can totally see why others wouldn’t. I live in the heart of Mormon land, I just loved how it poked fun at all these situations & customs I recognized after living here for so long. If that weren’t the case, I imagine I wouldn’t have enjoyed it nearly as much.

    72. Anon for this*

      My favorite pizza topping is pineapple.

      People keep telling me that I’m too quiet, but I can enjoy someone’s company without either of us rushing to fill a silence. One side of my family, all introverts, can spend days reading together. It’s nice. I think more people should be quiet. They might like it.

    73. Temperance*

      I hate the Philadelphia Eagles. You wouldn’t think that this is unpopular, but it is.

      I enjoy the Dallas Cowboys. This is worse than hating the Eagles.

    74. Dr. KMnO4*

      I enjoy campy, silly movies and TV shows like Clue, and the “bad” Batman movies, and James Bond movies like Moonraker, and MacGyver.

      I like Mike’s Hard Lemonade and other sweet “alcho-pop” drinks. I strongly dislike bitter things like beer and coffee and dark chocolate.

      Though I am quite far behind in the show, I am rooting for Kingpin (played by one of my favorite actors, Vincent D’Onofrio) over that whiny, lying, irritating jerk Daredevil (and his whiny, nosy, irritating blond secretary Karen).

    75. Mike C.*

      American Football sucks. It’s boring as all heel and the only thing to look forward to are the snacks. I’ll take a 0-0 soccer game over a four hour football game any time. Also, my local team just won the league cup. :D

      GMOs are perfectly fine to use and as climate change happens we’ll need to rely on them more to fight novel pests and diseases, like with the Rainbow Papaya.

      Speaking of climate change – embracing modern nuclear power will be key to any serious plan to combat climate change.

      Work related: if workers are going to actually get ahead, they need to start looking out for each other rather than just themselves.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        American football. Get the ball, run 9 yards and go out of bounds. Repeat.

        Friend: “Oh isn’t this exciting?”
        Me: zzzzzzz…..

        1. Mike C.*

          I saw a study that showed there were 11 minutes of action in a four hour game. I know there’s a great deal of strategy here, but come on.

    76. super anon*

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being “basic”. As long as you’re happy with yourself and the things you do/like/etc then keep doing you. I really don’t think it’s the most terrible thing in the world to like Starbucks lattes, or tiny dogs in sweaters, or the myriad of other things that have been deemed “basic”.

      1. Emily*

        I agree – as long as it’s not hurting anyone, people should be able to like what they want. (I also feel like some of the mockery of “basic” people stems from society’s tendencies to make fun of things that women like.)

        1. Lissa*

          +1000 yes. Also, I’ve noticed that the more socially aware or “woke” people realize that it’s not OK to just mock women, so they’ve started mocking “white women” for liking those things instead.

  5. Gene*

    I’ve settled on a costume for Worldcon 76 in San Jose in 2018. As before, the final will be kept under wraps until after the Masquerade. Buy I’ll share bits and bobs as the build progresses. And this one is a bigger build, the actual customer isn’t terribly complex, but I’ll be making props using techniques I’ve never used. So I expect some spectacular failures as I learn. Good thing I have almost two years. And it’s going to have pockets so I can wear it as a hall costume.

    If anyone is interesting in attending, the registration page is here, http://www.worldcon76.org/registration . Usually, rates go up at the first of the year, but I haven’t seen any announcement.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I would love to go to one of the bigger cons sometime, but I’m so poor that it just wouldn’t be worth it. I hate not being able to buy stuff and / or pay for event stuff. Maybe someday I’ll have a book table….

  6. TR*

    Does anyone have suggestions for a gift that helps someone with meals? My father is caregiver to my mother who has Alzheimer’s, but he’s never been one for cooking. They get by, but anything I can do to make life easier would be a good thing. We’ve talked about Blue Apron, etc. and he doesn’t seem interested.

    1. nonynony*

      Is Meals on Wheels still a thing? Before my grandfather died, my Mom got him some sort of service that I want to say was called Dial-a-Daughter or something and someone came and brought him meals since my grandmother had always cooked and she was in a nursing home at that point. Good luck!

      2. Anono-me*

        If meals on wheels is not an option, is there a Seattle Sutton near by?

        For actual easy cooking and reheating, one of my favorite recipes is baked chicken breast with a jar of sauce.

        -Put several chicken breasts in a cake pan.
        -Dump a jar of your favorite sauce over it. (Pasta, Pesto, BbQ etc.).
        -Add 1/2 cup water .
        -Cover pan with foil.
        -Bake at 350 Fahrenheit for 1-1/2 hours until chicken is at fully cooked internal temperature.

        Serve over noodles/rice/quinoa with a side of vegetables.

        I make several different versions at the same time and freeze the spare ones.

        Costco has fresh and frozen ready to go meals. Most big grocery stores near me have something also.

        1. chickabiddy*

          Yeah, both Costco and Trader Joe’s have frozen meals that are tasty enough and require little effort. Maybe you could make a big trip and stock the freezer, or if you’re too far away to do that, maybe there’s a relative nearby who has a teenager with a car who’d like to make a few bucks by going shopping and hauling bags.

    2. SMT*

      Giftcards for restaurants?

      There was a Judge John Hodgeman podcast a little while ago about a couple that made up a pie of the month club and then sent the pies to one of their mothers themselves. If you lived close enough to drop something off once a week or something, I could see this as do-able.

      My husband isn’t super great in the kitchen, but since I just changed jobs this month, he’s been responsible for dinners most nights. We meal plan, and while he can totally cook when he has to, I’ve noticed he likes to make the same few recipes that he knows really well over and over again. Maybe some simple recipes and/or a cooking class (even if taught by you?) would help your dad out?

      1. Engineer Girl*

        The gift cards for restaurants are great because they let your Dad get out of the house for socializing. My Dad did that and took Mom with him.
        Dad was also a huge fan of the small George Foreman grill.

    3. Ms Ida*

      I wouldn’t recommend Blue Apron if your dad is not interested in cooking. I tried Hello Fresh for a couple months I was hoping to get my non-cooking wife interested-no luck at all. At least with Hello Fresh I didn’t think the recipes were written very well for inexperienced cooks.
      My other big complaints were receiving boxes with leaking ingredients(chicken yuck!!!) and frequent wilted greens. They also produce a ton of trash, I can recycle a lot but these boxes come with freezer packs and insulation that all went in the trash. It really wasn’t worth it.
      A few years ago we did find a service that unfortunately went out of business but it was good while it lasted that delivered fully prepared meals. if your parents live somewhere with that option it would probably be less work and less stress for your dad.

      1. Mints*

        I think Munchery is the easiest version of these – I think everything is pre made and you just microwave/bake them. Blue Apron, from what I’ve heard, is the most advanced cooking, in that they don’t do any prep.

        I’m personally using Gobble which is the prep is all done but you throw things together to cook. It’s been perfect for me. But I think Munchery would be best for TR’s Dad

        1. Oryx*

          Too bad Munchery isn’t available near me as that’s more what I’m looking for. I’ve tried some of the things like HelloFresh and Blue Apron and they were far too much work for me. I enjoy cooking but I don’t have the time or inclination to do as much cooking as was required for those services

          1. Mints*

            Is Gobble available near you? That’s what I’m using. I describe it as half cooking. You get like raw fish and microwavable noodles, or fresh pasta that you simmer with pre-made sauce and pre chopped veggies. They’re literally fifteen minutes.

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I don’t know about a gift per se, but you may want to see if there is anyone in your community advertising as a private cook or something you could arrange to come in every two weeks and make up a batch of meals that he could take out of the freezer and reheat.

    5. Girasol*

      If he has a freezer you might fill it with homemade goodies. It’s as easy as planning your freezable meals for at least two extra people and putting up the leftovers in two-person portions in a ziploc or freezer box.

      1. SophieChotek*

        +1 to something like this. If you like to cook/can cook, it might be less expensive, then something like Blue Apron or hiring a private chef. Like Girasol said, cooking up freezable meals and taking the over periodically (already portioned out) might be a great thing.
        If you don’t live closer, though, the idea for private chef or some sort of cooking/food delivery service might be an option. I know there are some places near where I live where you can go in and buy bigger frozen dinner that are all pre-made up (that I presume are supposed to be better than frozen dinner from the groccery store.)

    8. GH in SOCal*

      Munchery, if it’s available in their neighbourhood. I really like having all the nutrition facts on the website, since I have certain diet issues, so ordering from restaurants doesn’t work for me. I gave my aging Mom a gift card and she likes it too — she’s a good cook, but she has some mobility issues, so it’s nice to have healthy, delicious microwavable meals delivered sometimes.

    9. LCL*

      Meals on wheels has been a godsend for my mother. Munchery was a non starter because my mom doesn’t have and doesn’t want and has never used any sort of computer. Hm, maybe this Luddite way of life is hereditary…

      1. JAM*

        We’ve been using Meals on Wheels. We also found a local place that does freezer meals. You can either come in and do a bulk cooking class or you can drop in and buy some prepared ones. On days we are there with my grandpa we try to cook for him, when there’s a caretaker in the house (extended family but doesn’t feel comfortable using our kitchen tools) we do a freezer meal and if there’s a nurse around the house we have meals on wheels deliver.

    10. LawCat*

      We’re starting a regular CSA delivery for my MIL. The box is their “no cook” box and all the fruit and veggies can be eaten raw.

    11. Salamander*

      Try the ONCE A MONTH COOKING books. You basically spend a weekend afternoon shopping and putting together dinners in gallon-sized plastic bags and pop ’em in the freezer. You take one out every morning and put the contents in a crock pot. I’ve done this a few times during really busy seasons and it’s worked well. It takes the pressure off of thinking about what’s for dinner. If you’re close enough that you or another relative can swing a once-a-month visit, it might be the thing.

    12. Punkin*

      There is a place called Curbside Casseroles in my town (just squish together and add a dot com to see their website). Someone gave my friend a gift card to this place when she had a medical crisis. Her hubby is a chef, but had his hands full caring for her. Not exactly cheap, but reasonable for the quality of the food.

      I am also a big fan of Costco’s Kirkland frozen Lasagna.

    13. Dynamic Beige*

      Someone I know was telling me about how when she first got divorced, she would get together with a couple of other friends on Sunday afternoons and they would make meals for a week together. By splitting the cost of the ingredients, they were able to save a lot of money and time.

      As someone who never learned to cook, I can say that if I had had a group like this, I might have actually learned how to cook. I’ve taken some cooking classes but they have been very targeted (we’re going to make pasta from scratch) and just not enjoyable. I think your father would not enjoy going to cooking classes. If he was interested in that, then he might have done it earlier or been trying to make things from cookbooks. If your mother has done all that for him, cooking might be too mysterious for him to deal with.

      So my suggestion is: can you organise a weekly cook-in for your father? He must participate, even if that’s only chopping the vegetables or stirring the pot. Because he’s not going to learn anything if you all cook and he’s watching The Game (or whatever) in another room. If you make enough for all families involved, everyone wins and your father may start to look forward to cooking on his own once he sees that it’s not some arcane science. He may start to crave certain things and want to make them on his own. Bonus points if you have husbands/boyfriends/brothers who like to cook so he can see that it’s “normal” for menfolks to cook. And I mean cook, not BBQ.

    15. Ann Furthermore*

      Are there friends/family in the area? A couple years ago a friend of mine was very ill for a few months, and wasn’t able to cook meals for her family. Someone circulated an online calendar that let people sign up to make dinner for them and take it by their house. Almost every day was filled up in no time, and they had meals for a month. Whoever set it up noted likes/dislikes, and I’m sure you could put in any food allergies that need to be considered as well. And the request was for freezer meals, so they could keep it for when they needed it. I thought it was such a great idea.

    16. Meredith*

      I just came across this blog today, which is relatively new. Instant Pot Meals for Dad. Requires access/ownership of instant pot. Will post link in reply. I got an Instant Pot about a month ago and I really like it.

    17. Yetanotherjennifer*

      How about a personal chef? They tend to advertise a weekly delivery model, but I’m sure most would be willing to work with you based on what you need and can afford. If money is an issue you could check with culinary schools to try and find someone just starting out.

    18. blatantlybianca*

      Not sure where you live, but a gift card to DoorDash could be an option. DoorDash lets you order from local restaurants and the delivery charges are pretty minimal. Delivery is usually within an hour or so. I live in the Bay Area and use it ALL the time.

    1. matcha123*

      Best: Finally have time to use to clean up my apartment and clear out papers and things.

      Worst: I agreed to write an article for a friend’s company. However, I have to pay for transportation up front, and I won’t be reimbursed until late-January at the earliest. The people I’m meeting also want me to take an early train, which means that I’ll have to be on the train when I typically leave for work. And I took PTO for this since I assumed I’d at least be paid for my train fare that day (about $100).

    2. Liane*

      Best: Went out with College Son to get some Christmas lights for our tree and the window this morning.

      Worst: A friend’s mom passed away unexpectedly this past week. Always bad but especially so near Christmas.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Best: Last weekend we had new windows installed, and the view now looks SO much better! And I was finally able to get all of the blinds back up! Also, I finally got my dad’s car retitled to me, so that albatross should be gone from around my neck soon. And I spend much of today fighting with Fidelity’s retirement planner, but actually got it to recognize some of the things it wouldn’t before.

      Worst: The window installation took all day and was still going on while we were eating dinner, and at the end I had to kind of bribe the guys who installed them to put the window blind brackets back in. And there was a crapton of dust and debris left, which we had to vacuum up. It kind of harshed the buzz of home improvement to have to do so much work to clean up after laying out so much money on the windows. And I won’t get the official title document for another week or two, they have to mail it and apparently it takes a week and a half for the state just to f***ing print it!

    4. Mints*

      Best: I’ve been eating mostly vegetarian* lately and was feeling really tired last week and had an epiphany that these things might be related, so I bought some vitamins and feel a lot better after taking them. Science!

      Worst: Work continues to be pretty boring.

      *I’m actually aiming for pescetarian, but will still eat meat in social settings. It’s like 3 days vegetarian, 3 days seafood, 1 day not.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I think this might work better for me than going full-on veg. I like fish and eggs, and eggs are cheap. (Trying to be healthier in general and lose some stubborn FAT.)

        1. Mints*

          It’s working well for me! At first I was just avoiding red meat but I barely eat it anymore, and never at home. I’m also not announcing to anybody that I’m vegetarian because I’m not strict enough that I want to impose if other people are providing food.

      2. Lady Julian*

        I’m mostly vegetarian (I don’t really like meat but eat it if it’s served to me & do occasionally enjoy a ham sandwich), and I recommend lentils. They’re cheap, they’re easy to cook, and they are loaded with protein. Plus, at this time of year, they make excellent soups & stews. Just this week I’ve had lentil & sweet potato stew, lentil parsnip soup, and taco lentil soup.

    5. Beautiful Loser*

      BEST: Got my first chicken from the lady who owns the barn where I keep my horse. Little red hen just showed up earlier in the week. She is residing in my garage until the coop I ordered from Lowes comes in next week.

      WORST: Dealing with a sinus infection and having to work today.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          My friend got them to help with ticks in his “yard”, which is more like woods than yard. The girls have done a wonderful job of cleaning up every bug around the house.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: I sort of challenged myself to walk outside when it was cold. I figured, hey, I skate in a sub-freezing rink; if I can do that, I can walk outside instead of bailing on it when it’s below 50, haha. The other day, I did it in 29 F weather and was fine. Though I probably do need a balaclava, because the wind was a little uncomfortable on my face. I’d like to get some cleats for my shoes so I can do it when it snows too, though maybe not as fast.

      I have two pairs of the very thick over-the-boot tights by Mondor that I bought shortly before I quit skating. One is still in the package, and I’ll save them for if I ever go back. The other, I think I can sacrifice the boot cover part and hem them to wear under leggings the way I did at the rink. (If I skate again, I can wear them without feet over footed tights, so no waste, really.) I tried them under the leggings and it worked fine. On top, an underlayer, a t-shirt, and a windbreaker over that. Also, the windbreaker has matching pants for super cold days. I will not let the fat win this winter!! \_0

      I also thought that while I have a little money, it might be good to pay for the little advance thing at the Parks Department gym I like; you can pay like $50 or so and get so many sessions. Then I can hold that in reserve for when weather is too dangerous to walk outside and I need to use the track. Who cares if you can see my old workplace from the window? Not me. :P

      WORST: One interview that was a total bust (the job had the exact stuff I couldn’t do at NewExJob) and nothing else. Plus, I hate being stuck in the house, but there’s nothing to do here.

    7. Overeducated*

      Best: went to see my nephew at a robotics competition, it was neat to see him and hang with his family, and my toddler was fascinated.

      Worst: the usual frustrations at work, and finding out I have elevated cholesterol and not being sure what I need to do about it. Dr’s advice was “eat healthy and exercise regularly,” I do my best (not much meat but i enjoy full fat dairy with my veggies and carbs, bike to work about half the time but don’T have time for running half marathons anymore). That gives me no help in figuring out what realistic changes I need to make and how urgent they are.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Drinking water will help in small ways. Aim for taking in the same levels of water every day. You can start this right away, while you figure out the rest.

      2. Anon for this*

        You might want to cut back on dairy, but that’s based on a relative with familial hypercholesterolemia.

        Any chance at a referral to a dietician? They could look at your current diet and see any possible changes.

      3. bundtcaketm*

        Try to change the supply – i.e. Eat Less saturated fats. Also try to eat more fiber. Less sugar.

    8. Elkay*

      Worst: Illness and an awful doctor’s appointment making me feel like a hypochondriac.
      Best: Finished off my Christmas shopping.

    9. Kristen*

      Best: I found out I passed my first section of the CPA exam. I was getting negative thoughts of failure before I checked my score, so the fact that I passed comfortably was a huge relief. The boyfriend also started an awesome job this week. We’ve been together a long time, and it finally feels like things are coming together for us.

      Worst: Not studying enough for my next section of the CPA exam which is in February.

    10. Audiophile*

      BEST: I mostly avoided soda this week – I realized mid-week that I hadn’t had soda since the previous Sunday. I had soda on Thursday and Friday, none today. I’m curious to see if I can completely kick the habit again.

      WORST: Still haven’t done my Christmas shopping. I told one sister I’d give her $120 ($20 for the birthday she had a few months back,) so I got her a $15 Starbucks gift card, she’s been taking herself to there a treat. To be fair, I have to give the other one the same amount. I get paid on Tuesday, so I should be able to do all the shopping this week. Not sure what I’ll get for mom. Car is also way overdue for an inspection and that has to be done this month, since the sticker clearly says 2016.

    12. Christy*

      Best: my Friday at work ended really well.

      Worst: I went to a 23-year-old’s funeral today, and I have a cold, so I used 1/3 box of tissues and my nose hurts

    13. HoVertical*

      Best: Got to see all my kids in the same week.
      Worst: My darling daughter has reconciled with her (universally disliked) ex-bf. We’re all hoping it won’t last.

    14. manderw*

      Best: this is the last week of a project that I am really not enjoying.

      Worst: I still have to make it through the week.

    15. Windchime*

      Best: My family and I have decided to scale way, way back on holiday gift-giving this year and that feels like a lot of the pressure is off. Also, I have been having terrible low back/hip pain for months and finally last week had cortisone injections in my SI joints. Oh my god, it’s a miracle.

      Worst: I was away on business for my new company this past week and one of my flights home was the worst flight ever. Tiny, cramped plane for 3 hours. Non-working wifi. I hated my book. Screaming toddler. I’m so glad to be home.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        Your Best sounds great! I was considering the cortisone injection (along with calling an ambulance, selling my soul, and punching tiny baby animals) as a possible pain relief option. My dad had them regularly for about 10 years and they helped a lot with his back pain (arthritis, I think). Where in the SI joint do they inject? Did you have to do anything special/different afterward?

    16. Sparkly Librarian*

      WORST: I threw my back out and developed dreadful sciatica midweek; couldn’t work or walk or do much but squirm and cuss.

      BEST: Am now medicated to a manageable level of pain, have slept a week’s worth of sleep in 2 days, and since I’m stuck in one place I’m wrapping all the Xmas presents. Hot chocolate at hand! With peppermints!

    17. Raia*

      Best: VACATION! It was a staycation, but my aunt came by and it was wonderful to see her. Gave me lots of good career and life advice that resonates with what I’ve read here.
      Worst: Vacation ending, wondering what happened to work while I was gone, and visiting the Medicaid office 4 weekdays in a row (just as fun as it sounds).

    1. fposte*

      Heh. I was thinking it’s time to break out the Hanukkah balls. You want them on the tree in time for First Night!

    2. OhBehave*

      When we bought our home, there was a older lady (80 ish) living across the street from us. She was the typical nosy neighbor type who kept track of the comings and goings of the neighborhood. We always visited. One Christmas she brought over a tin of cookies. Among the cookies was rum balls. We could smell them before we opened the tin! We think she had a little nip here and there, forgetting how much she added to the recipe. She was quite happy that day.

  10. Scrooge McDuck*

    I am turning into the family Scrooge.

    My sister in law (Jewish) married a Christian guy a few years ago and they are raising their kids in both religions. We’re not, I converted to Judaism and we are raising our kids Jewish. As a rule, we try to keep our mouths shut about the other’s choices, sometimes more successfully than other times.

    This year, my SIL decided that trying to celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas is too stressful, and so she informed the family last week that she is no longer going to celebrate Hanukkah with the kids. Her reasoning is that she has to cut one of them, and her kids will be made fun of at school if they don’t celebrate Christmas, so Hanukkah gets the axe. In order not to confuse the kids, she’s asked us to replace wrapping paper on the kids’ Hanukkah gifts with Christmas paper.

    I am trying really really hard not to be grumpy about this, and I am failing miserably. And so I rant to you, AAM! Somebody pass the non-denominational eggnog (and rum balls!)

    1. matcha123*

      I’m not big on religion, but I think her reasoning is BS. I also think that it would be a lot less stress for your sister if she stuck with what she knew and her husband did what he knew. So, he can prepare all of the Christmas stuff and she can do Hanukkah.

      I don’t know where they live, but if they live in a reasonably well-sized city or a university town, I highly doubt that they would be made fun of for anything. Aside from my Muslim friends who wore headscarves, I didn’t know what religions anyone in my class followed. For us, exchanging presents before winter break was just an excuse to give things to your friends.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          True, but I finally realized what’s bothering me — I feel like the SIL is implying that she doesn’t want the taint of Jewishness on her kids (not just not celebrating it, but no Hanukah wrapping paper!) because they’ll be made fun of at school. If she just said they’re all Christian and they only recognize Christmas, no other religion’s holidays, I wouldn’t really have a problem with it. Plenty of families do celebrate both, but that would deserve a pass too if it weren’t for what feels like thinly veiled antisemitism. (I am not saying she’s antisemitic. I’m just saying that this is why her statements bother me, her motivations seem very focused on the fact that Jews are disliked and would be ostracized, and as far as we’ve been told there was no expression of regret or anger over that.)

          It’s still none of my business, but if she were my SIL, the family would be getting an earful about that.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            Yup. “We’ve decided to focus on being Christian, it feels better for us” ok, no problem, I can understand that. “Jewish kids get teased”? Then… you support them, you teach them to stand up for themselves, you call the school, etc. Like you said, none of my business, but I find that attitude so offensive. Like, Christian for convenience. I’d feel the same way about someone who converted to Judaism for the jokes.

          2. Koko*

            Yeah, celebrate what you want but her reasoning is SUPER weird. She “had to” axe one of them but Christmas is non-negotiable so it “had to” be Hanukkah. It couldn’t be a merged celebration, an every other year alternating celebration, an I-do-Christmas/He-does-Hanukkah thing.

            She’s feigning that this is some kind of practical/logistical problem and not that she pretty clearly just doesn’t want her kids to celebrate Hanukkah. (If it was purely about stress she wouldn’t object to other people using Hanukkah paper.) She could at least have the decency to own her decision instead of cloaking it.

        2. Lissa*

          See, this kind of comment I find interesting. I didn’t see anything in the OP or the reply that suggested that anybody was going to try to decide anything for SIL and family, just that they were having feelings about it. The OP even mentions she’s trying not to be grumpy about it, so is ranting on the Internet instead. I really don’t see how that equates to “deciding for SIL”. It’s not like anybody’s going in there and sneaking Hanukkah wrapping on all the Christmas presents.

    2. CMT*

      I think you should try to let your SIL do what’s best for her and her family. It really is only slightly, tangentially affecting what you have to do.

    3. SMT*

      …I’m trying to figure out at what age children are old enough to be made fun of at school (don’t most schools at least pay a tiny bit of lip service about Hanukkah whether or not there are Jewish kids enrolled?), but could still be “confused” by having the wrong wrapping paper on their gifts.

      2. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

        I was made fun of at school starting at age 4 (preschool) for being non-Christian, and I live in a suuuuper liberal part of the country. It’s amazing how pervasive both the non-religious and religious aspects of Christmas are, even in public schools.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      It’s possible that’s she’s decided that Christianity makes more sense for her and her family, and this is her way of easing into telling you this. Religion is as much about community as it is about beliefs.

      1. Zip Silver*

        That’s the impression I got as well. This sounds like her way of (softly) coming out as Christian.

      2. Scrooge McDuck*

        If that’s true (and it might well be), I just wish she’d OWN IT. But I’m pretty sure I have no right to push someone out of the religious closet, do I’ll sit back with the eggnog.

    5. animaniactoo*

      As a child of this kind of mixed religion family… I would tell your sister that you guys celebrate Hanukkah, and are happy to give Hanukkah presents, and she is free to give Xmas presents.

      Unless she’s planning on replacing her Xmas paper with Hanukkah paper for the gifts she gives your children?

      I think it’s honestly preferable to each give what you’re celebrating, and explain the differences to your children, rather than force each other do something that’s going to be outside of your new “norm”.

    6. New Bee*

      I feel like plenty of “Christmas” wrapping paper comes in blue, silver, and white with snowflakes…does she want you to to re-wrap everything in red and green? /pedant

      Sidenote: My husband and I are kind of in the middle of you and your in-laws–me Christian and him Jewish, but really just nominally so for both of us (no conversion on either side). I agree with the suggestion that each person own the planning for their religion; I read a good article a few years ago about interfaith families and holidays and how sometimes a point of contention can be the wife (in a cis-het marriage) being expected to put on all of the traditions/play hostess. I’ll see if I can find the link.

      1. Mints*

        Yeah, the wrapping paper request is weirdly invasive, I think. It’s pretty easy to just buy winter themed in red or blue without actually being denominational.

        Her deciding to be a Christian family is pretty much MYOB but the wrapping paper is kind of bizarre.

        1. Anon for this*

          +1 to both parts of this.

          …Just get some generic ~festive~ paper. If she’s going to be weird about it, that’s on her.

    7. Bluebell*

      No matter how wacky, she does get to decide. And who knows, she might change her mind by next year. My suggestion (and my sister married someone who was Pentecostal, but now divorced, but at one time she was planning to send them to Christian Sunday school one year and then jewish the next) is to give presents with a holidayesque silver/gold/white shiny paper. Truthfully the kids won’t fixate on the paper as much as she does. Will all this be done in person or are you mailing it in a big box? If mailing a big box, you can always throw in unlabeled Chanukah gelt as a fun extra. :)

      1. Observer*

        She gets to decide what her family does. But, the wrapping paper request is different. I’d seriously be tempted to not give any gifts. “Aunt Scrooge McDuck doesn’t do Christmas, and Hanuka gifts are too confusing for you guys.”

    8. KatieKate*

      Yikes. It’s one thing to want to raise the kids Christian, but to pretend that Chanukah doesn’t exist? How are her parents handling that?

      Also, Chanukah is the most low-key holiday. You light candles for 8 days and you’ve got the entire mitzvah taken care of. From TV and movies, Christmas seems much more difficult.

      (source: Jew who has never celebrated Christmas.)

    9. chickabiddy*

      As others have said, it’s her right to decide for her family and kids, but if you’re not comfortable using Christmas-themed paper, that’s *your* right. Stick with Hanukkah if you want to make a statement or pick something neutral (solid color, snowflakes, stars, etc.) if you do not.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I read this as more about mixed signals than anything else. Do X, no, wait do Y, no wait….

      I think it would be okay for you to say that you would appreciate as much advanced notice as possible when these changes come up. Explain that you cannot accommodate last minute changes but you want to be supportive in whatever ways you can.

      1. Scrooge McDuck*

        Yeah, the advance notice thing was a bit of the proxy for my grumpiness. I had already shopped and wrapped everything (it’s a crazy time of year!) so I basically went with “sure, whatever you’d prefer, but starting NEXT year”. Not sure I’ve heard the end of it though…

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I think at this point my family would get a shoulder shrug from me and that would be the end of my inputs. “I am doing the best I can, I lack the time and resources to redo what I have. Most certainly, I will happily do things in a different manner next year.”

    11. ..Kat..*

      Kids are smart enough to know that the present is more important than the wrapping. That being said, consider using the “free” comics page from the newspaper and tie it with a pretty ribbon.

      A couple of years ago, I decided to not waste money on wrapping paper or gift bags (plus, a huge amount of non-recyclable waste). I reuse gift bags and I tie a ribbon on commercial bags (my friends like the gifts, and roll their eyes at the Starbucks, Sephora, Zoup, etc bags).

    12. Emma*

      That kind of attitude pisses me right off. I’m not Christian and I’m not going to pretend to be just because someone else wants me to.

      And yeah, she has the right to decide what holidays she wants to celebrate. Of course she does. But she crosses the line in telling you what you should do, as if somehow not having the right wrapping paper is going to ruin her Christmas. Like, it must be so hard to explain to kids that other religions exist!

      It’s just wrapping paper. Sure, but that cuts both ways, and I’m sick of how many people think it’s appropriate to force non-Christians to tone down their not-Christianness to not rock the boat, not upset/confuse the kids, to get along, etc.

    14. Pennalynn Lott*

      My favorite holiday wrapping paper ever of all time is a metallic purple with geographic designs (think “abstract snowflake”) done in matching metallic purple glitter. I never have to worry about what particular winter holiday the recipient is celebrating, and it’s SO PRETTY!!! :-)

  11. SMT*

    After a couple of rough days at New Job, and snapping a bit more at my husband than usual this week, I’m thinking more about trying therapy. My husband suggested it at one point (in trying to help me – I think I was kind of sort of hiding in bed while he tried to talk to me about what was wrong). I’ve been feeling better over the last couple of days, but I know I’ve done this a few times over the past five or so years: have a dark couple of days where I think I should seek some help, and then feel better and do nothing. Especially since we’ve talked about starting a family in another year or so, I think it might be a good idea to try it now.

    What suggestions do you have in finding a therapist?

    1. FDCA In Canada*

      Psychology Today has a great website with a “therapist-finder” on it, searchable by the issues you’re looking for, the licensing the therapist or counselor has, location, languages spoken, religious/non, you name it.

    2. Ayla K*

      I found mine through goodtherapy.com. They have pictures, profiles, areas of focus and even a way to e-mail each therapist right through the site! I wrote a generic e-mail about what I was looking to get out of therapy and sent it to 7 different people. Had calls with 3 of them and ended up picking the one who I clicked with best. It was totally painless.

    3. animaniactoo*

      Be aware that just like with co-workers, friends, etc. it’s possible to just not match up even when they’re good people or good doctors for other people. Therapy can be such a vulnerable and intimate process that it is even more important to mesh with your therapist and feel comfortable working with them.

      If you’re not feeling it after the first visit or 2, talk to them about that, and be open to the idea that you might need to find somebody else who will be good *for you*.

      1. Chilleh*

        This! I haven’t gone to therapy myself (but like the OP I’ve really been thinking about it for 5+ years), but those of my friends who have took at least 2 therapists to find one that resonated with them and was a good fit. After changing therapists, one of my friends has had the same therapist for almost 15 years and has changed her life.

      2. KJ*

        Very true! And your therapist might have ideas about who to refer you to. Just ask, most therapists will not be offended. We want therapy to work for you.

    4. Gene*

      I found the one who really helped me through my workplace EAP. Might be a good place to start for you. I talked to a few on the city’s dime before I settled on the one I saw for a few years.

    5. KJ*

      So, I’m a therapist and there are three things to consider, in my opinion:
      1. Personal fit- you want a therapist who you feel understands you, listens to you, who you respect and will respect you. This is one of the intangibles to therapy- you have to try this one on in person to really know if someone is going to fit your needs.
      2. Theoretical fit- are you looking to explore your childhood and gain insight into your past? Psychodynamic is perfect for you! Are you looking for a focus on the here and now? Try Gestalt. Want a number of strategies to address your behaviors? CBT, all the way. Do you emotionally “flood” and need relied? DBT. If you read a therapist profile and they say they use a specific approach, do some basic research into that appraoch and see if it seems to suit your needs and way of looking at the world.
      3. Ability to pay/sustain the therapy- some therapies are more long term, some are very short term. Are you using insurance? If so, start with your insurance company and make sure therapy is covered. If not, do you need sliding scale? Therapy can be expensive, but most therapists have some sliding scale to help. Some therapies require homework or daily work. Can you commit to that if asked? Do you need groups or medication in addition to therapy?

      To start finding a therapist, try psychology today or your insurance’s panel of therapists. If your employer has an EAP, they will often pay for 3-5 therapy sessions to help.

    6. Sunflower*

      Most offer free 15 minute consultation talks. Make sure you do that and be honest about what you’re struggling with/hoping to get from therapy and your expectations. I agree with the suggestions about psychology today. And don’t be afraid to change after a few sessions if you’re not feeling it. I love my current therapist and didn’t like my last one. It can take a few tries to find the right one.

  12. FDCA In Canada*

    I’ve mentioned it a few times and I wanted the lovely commenting group here to know.

    About eighteen months ago my dad was diagnosed with Stage 3.5/4 metastasized esophageal cancer as a terminal diagnosis. His oncologist told him he had less than a year to live and to enjoy what time he had left. In the meantime he had aggressive chemotherapy for eight weeks, then biweekly thereafter in an effort to shrink the tumours and make him more comfortable. It worked very quickly and shrunk his tumours so he was comfortable enough to eat, and he was able to travel, enjoy his life, etc.

    He passed the year mark already having beaten the odds–the vast majority of esophageal cancer patients do die within a year of diagnosis. But he was doing so well that last week his doctor ordered a PET scan, and on Tuesday the results came back with no evidence of cancer. No spots whatsoever. He’s in remission and is likely to have a few good years in good health.

    Now, he’ll still have to have biweekly chemo in order to prevent its recurrence, and the doctor let us know that when it does come back it will likely be untreatable, but if we’re lucky that’s a few years down the road. The doctor used the words “remarkable” and “never seen anything like it” in his 20+ year career. This is a kind of miraculous, .001% outcome we would have never, ever, ever expected or planned for in a million years. It’s unbelievable. We are cautiously thrilled and hoping for a very pleasant, quiet, thankful Christmas.

    11. Mimmy*

      That really is something to celebrate!

      Reminds me of a close from of my mom’s – she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and it was at stage 4 at the time of diagnosis. The family was taking things pretty much day to day as they considered treatment options. Today, a little over a year later, she is doing remarkably well. Her cancer is not gone (to my knowledge), but the biweekly chemo has kept it at bay all this time with almost no complications.

      I think it’s a testament of the human spirit.

    12. fposte*

      Holy cow, FDCA, that is excellent news. I was thinking about you and your dad the other day and I’m so glad that this is the update!

    13. The Other Dawn*

      Awesome!

      That gives me hope, as my brother was diagnosed with the same cancer a couple weeks ago. The CAT scan revealed a couple spots on his stomach and liver. Now we’re waiting for news on what the treatment plan will be.

      This gives me hope.

    14. Amadeo*

      That is absolutely fantastic to hear! My brother’s FIL fit the description you gave, gone within months of diagnosis with his esophageal cancer. We missed him at the 4th of July get together we do and we’ll miss him just as heartily at Christmas. It’s good to hear that there’s someone out there who beat the odds and I’m so glad for you and your family!

    15. The Cosmic Avenger*

      That is so wonderful to hear. I kept wondering how he was doing, but I didn’t want to be nosy about it.

    20. EmmaLou*

      Oh, I am so happy for all of you. I lost my dad very quickly to this exact evil disease and I am so glad your road is better! Rejoicing with you!

    25. Jean aka the Recovering Packrat*

      Thank you for sharing this very, very good news! Enjoy a quiet, happy Christmas with your family.

    32. FDCA In Canada*

      Thanks so much to each and every one of you for your well wishes. It is truly more appreciated than you can possibly know. It’s been an extremely stressful past year and a bit, and AAM is one of the most pleasant places on the internet to be able to go and think about Other Stuff. I’m eternally grateful for such a lovely commenting community and fantastic blog.

  13. animaniactoo*

    I find the modification to the rum balls recipe pretty funny considering my own family’s recipe. My grandmother was known far and wide for her bourbon balls… here’s the recipe as my sister sent it to all of us:

    “From the cookbook of Grandma Joan the First. Her secret tip wasn’t in the book I copied this out of, although she would pass it to anyone who asked — the real secret is to develop a palsy of the hand while measuring the bourbon.

    3 c. finely crushed vanilla wafer crumbs (about 2 – 7 oz. packages of Nilla Wafers)
    1 c. powdered sugar
    1 1/2 tbsp cocoa
    1 1/2 c. finely chopped walnuts
    3 tbsp corn syrup
    1/2 c. bourbon

    Mix together all and shape into 1″ balls. Roll in powdered or granulated sugar (I like superfine). Store in a container with a tight fitting lid.”

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Now I believe that that is the exact recipe my wife’s family uses. And the tight-fitting lid is important, otherwise the alcohol can evaporate off, and they do mellow if you let them sit for 24 hours or so! (Although I also like the flavor of “new” bourbon balls!)

    5. JMegan*

      My family recipe is the same as Alison’s, with the crucial extra step of “fix yourself a rum & coke to drink while you’re making the rum balls.” Priorities!

  14. Ayla K*

    This year, I’m baking almost all my Christmas presents for family (4 different items/recipes) and I’m realizing that the hardest part is going to be the timing. I can’t bake everything in a day, and I’m driving to my parents’ on the 23rd. What suggestions do you have for preserving baked goods for a few days, especially since I’m planning to wrap them all up before I leave?

    Hard mode: one of the items is my famous lemon-lime bars, which need to be refrigerated.

      1. Ayla K*

        I actually already know what I’m making! Requests were made more than 2 months ago; I asked my family what they wanted for Christmas, and everyone asked me to bake them something. I do love to bake (and I make a mean spiced brownie) so I was flattered, but now I’m a bit concerned about logistics.

        Also as much as I love the concept of rum balls, alcohol doesn’t really have much of a place in my house.

        1. NJ Anon*

          You can usually freeze baked goods pretty successfully. Just make sure they are wrapped well. I do it every year.

          1. Ayla K*

            Honestly, at this point my biggest concern is what will happen to the wrapping paper if I stick the whole gift in the fridge or freezer!! But I think I’ll figure it out. Thanks!

            1. Emma*

              Honestly, I’ve never had a problem with wrapping paper in the freezer. Just stick it in with a little care, and take better care wrapping gifts than I do! (I always have an edge that sticks out funny.) I’ve got my nephew’s birthday gift in the freezer right now, and other than him almost spotting it the other day, it’s been fine.

    2. fposte*

      This is why fruitcake was invented.

      The other problem is that refrigeration is the temp that in general makes baked goods unhappiest–they go stale the fastest at cold above-freezing temps. So stuff that you can freeze (brownies are excellent for this) or stuff that’s good at room temperature (fruitcake, booze-rich stuff) will fare the best.

    3. all aboard the anon train*

      Can you cook them beforehand and freeze or store them until you’re ready to leave?

      I do a lot of holiday baking well in advance and freeze them. So, cheesecakes, brownies, and truffles are generally frozen and I take them out to thaw before I need to go. Things like cookie dough or anything that requires prep like pie crust is made and frozen before so I just throw it in the oven when I need to bake it.

      Is there anything you can bake a few days before and let it sit out at room temp while wrapped? Things like cookies or certain cakes can fare well if you package them up a day or two before serving.

      1. Ayla K*

        Yeah, a couple of things (biscotti, sugar cookies, brownies) I’m not super worried about, because I can freeze them or keep them in an airtight container (or Ziploc bag) and wrap them the morning of the 23rd. Hopefully they will then be okay until the gifts are opened two days later!

        The lemon bars are the one I’m really worried about. I may have to tell my mom that I’ll make them for her another time since I have no idea how to make them and wrap them ahead of time. They will not be safe under the tree!!

        1. Lily Evans*

          Is it possible to make the lemon bars at your parents’ house and either leave them just for your mom or serve them as a dessert for everyone?

        2. all aboard the anon train*

          I actually find that lemon bars freeze very well. If you don’t want to freeze them, you can wrap them in wax or parchment paper and store them in an airtight container. They’ll keep for about two to three days that way. I find those old school cookie tins are the best containers for keeping pastries fresh.

          1. Ayla K*

            So I could ostensibly make them Friday morning (23rd) and wrap them up, and they’d be fine until they were opened Christmas morning (25th)?

            I could also take Lily Evans’ suggestion above and make them at my parents’ house. It’s not like they’re a surprise gift – my mom specifically asked for them!

            1. an anon is an anon*

              Yeah, they’d likely be fine. But if you don’t want to risk it, I think making them at your parents’ house is a good alternative!

      1. Ayla K*

        I’m actually baking my feelings right now while I contemplate this! Peppermint sugar cookies are going into the oven after the dough chills for an hour. Smashing apart all those candy canes was very cathartic.

    5. an anon is an anon*

      Storing everything in containers will make the food last for a couple days. I make lemon bars all the time and I can’t eat them all at once and they usually last most of the week when stored in a good container.

    6. Emma*

      Use airtight containers, and line with wax paper between layers of baked goods. Try to fill the containers – at least in my experience, half-filled containers go stale faster. Freeze what you can, store the rest in ye olde cool, dry location. I actually do prefer using tins with well-fitted lids. Most baked goods actually do last a surprisingly long time – I don’t think I’ve ever had homemade breads or cookies go bad inside a week, for example, and the only time I had a cake go stale fast it turned out the cat had torn up the edge of the plastic wrap and air got in. (It was also an uniced cake.)

      When I lived pretty far from my family, I used to mail them baked goods all the time, and I never used anything other than regular mail. (I am sometimes a cheapskate.) Everything always got there fine and not stale, if maybe upside-down.

    7. Anon for this*

      Won’t help the lemon/lime bars, but cookies and crackers keep their texture best in glass containers. I use those big Mason jars.

    1. CMT*

      I have absolutely no idea, but I know my lawyer father has told me I should never get married without one multiple times (and I’m not even engaged). He has represented parties in many a messy divorce.

    2. katamia*

      In general they seem like a good idea. I’ve never been married, but if I were to get married, I’d probably prefer to have one. If nothing else, if we can’t agree on what should go into the prenup, it would certainly be a sign that we shouldn’t be getting married.

    3. danr*

      Start looking at websites for lawyers near you who do family law. The sites usually have articles and other reading material to get you started.

    4. fposte*

      Do them right or don’t do them. Each of the couple needs to have their own lawyer, and you need to do it well in advance of any wedding. Cost will vary depending on complexity and where you are–one site that seemed to be reasonable said from $1200 to $2400.

      I also think that it’s worth chatting to a lawyer to see if it would give you any additional protection in the specific case that you’re thinking of; a lot of times people worry about stuff that wouldn’t be marital property anyway.

      1. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

        I’m seconding this! Get one, and get good lawyers for it (don’t skimp). Also keep in mind that the up front cost will likely be way less than the cost of sorting it out if things don’t work out relationship-wise.

      2. Natalie*

        Yep, I know a couple that had to move their tentative wedding date out at least a year because their pre-nup took longer than they expected. The lawyers didn’t want them to book anything until the pre-nup was signed, lest the time pressure influence one or both parties.

    5. Allypopx*

      They are super logical and make a ton of sense, but I’m in the camp where I think I’d be insulted if I were asked for one. I know that’s not entirely rational, but I think it might be common.

      1. SophieChotek*

        I feel that way too. The logical part of me says — people change, things happen, the person you marry could end up not being the person you thought they were. But on the other hand, if I am taking vows to be with someone forever…why would I need one? (And I have no wealthy or property, so actually I’d probably have more to gain without a prenup…at least at the moment.) but I also understand why they can be important and how (presumably?) in the long run, if a divorce happened, it would make it easier than a messy court battle over marital assets later.

      2. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

        I think it helps to reframe this as a conflict management plan, not a “we are doomed to divorce!” plan. It also helps take out the anxiety when you’re fighting because even if someone is tempted to hit below the belt, both partners know the stakes up front. It’s just planning for the worst but hoping for the best. And fwiw, I know couples who have been together 30+ years (and going) who have pre ups and have not divorced.

    6. Ms Ida*

      A prenup never crossed my mind when I was younger and didn’t have any assets but now if something happened to my wife and I remarried I would want a prenup. I would want to protect the assists we built together and especially my savings for retirement.

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I think they get a bad rap, if only because they are sometimes the only way to make sure that both spouses feel the same about finances and judging what is “fair”, which really can be subjective. As long as both spouses agree that, say, everything at the time of the split will be divided 50/50, or that certain things owned before marriage would not part of the division of assets, then maybe a prenup isn’t necessary, but not only does it get the couple to explicitly talk about how they think assets would be divided, it means that they can’t change their minds later simply out of spite.

      1. fposte*

        And the relationship advantage of having each represented by their own lawyer is that it’s not just “I want *you* to sign a prenup.”

        I don’t know if I’d do one or not, but I’d consider it a lot more seriously now than I would have thirty years ago.

      2. Gaia*

        Both spouses might agree to that when they are happy and in love, but when things go south those agreements mean nothing if it isn’t in writing.

    8. Gaia*

      The reality is marriages end sometimes and, when they do, it can be uglier than you’d ever imagine. Prenups simply protect you in case you face this reality. I view them like life insurance – no one wants to die unexpectedly or early in life, but it just might happen and it is a good idea to be protected.

      1. Emma*

        Yeah, this. I don’t even have a lot of assets, but I’d feel pretty insecure without a prenup (in the off chance I ever get married), just because I’ve seen things go south for a lot of formerly-happy couples, and I’ve watched many a woman I know go from financially secure before marriage to floundering after the divorce.

    9. DragoCucina*

      I think the older one is or if there are family assets involved they make sense. I know one couple in their 40s that ended up divorcing because her adult children would not stop harping about their father’s estate. It wasn’t huge, but it was their number1 topic of conversation at every gathering or event. It just wore the second husband down. A pre-nup may have not fixed it, but it would have answered those questions.

    10. Oryx*

      I’m 35, never married. Ten years ago I would have been insulted at being asked to sign one but now, I may bring it up on my own if my SO and I decide to get married. We are both very practical when it comes to the “business” side of thinking about marriage and not just “oh we’re so in love!”

    11. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I have one. (Maybe I shouldn’t respond to this sort of topic since I’m the one person here with my real name attached to my comments, but what the hell.) I think it’s less of an issue if you get married in your 20s before either of you has really established yourself or if you both have roughly equal assets. We were in our 40s and came into the marriage with very different incomes and savings, as well as — and this part is probably the most significant in my thinking — very different attitudes about money. (I don’t recommend doing that last part, frankly, but that’s what happened.) I hope we stay married forever, but the reality is that many people do not, and I just can’t see making a big financial decision that’s predicated on “this thing that happens to tons of people definitely won’t happen to us.”

      I think a good agreement when the two people have very different incomes and assets is one that ensures that both come away better off financially than they were before the marriage, and no one comes away worse off than they were.

      1. Anne*

        I appreciate your reply! I’m in my 20s and he is in his 30s. He owns a house but I have significantly more investments (probably since I don’t have a mortgage but I’m also a “saver”).

      2. Lady Kelvin*

        I hope we stay married forever, but the reality is that many people do not, and I just can’t see making a big financial decision that’s predicated on “this thing that happens to tons of people definitely won’t happen to us.” I feel like this is key, because you might think you will stay together but your spouse might feel differently in the future. It takes 2 to tango but only one to break up a marriage. We didn’t have one because we were both in grad school and bringingore debt than assets but now, only a couple of years later with our debt paid off and real salaries? I’d want one if I wasn’t married.

    12. Red Reader*

      I need to look into this before our wedding. (My fiancé is totally on board, but told me I get to take point on it.) Basically, I make 4 times what he does, I own the house (he pays rent), and I have significant assets and debts while he doesn’t really have either — we agreed that in a worst case scenario, I don’t want him walking away with half my house and he doesn’t want to be walking away with half my debt. But we have three divorces in the past between the two of us, we’re both well aware that the unexpected can happen, we’ve actively chosen to structure our relationship finances in a manner that does not involve shared accounts (beyond one savings account to facilitate transfers in either direction) or any significant commingling of our finances in general, and we’re perfectly happy planning for a worst-case scenario that hopefully we’ll never need.

    13. Camellia*

      My husband INSISTED on one. Why? Because I owned a house and he didn’t, and he said he wanted me to feel (and be) protected, ‘just in case’. How cool is that? I did insist on a time limit, though, and we settled on 5 years. That was 13 years ago and I think it cost about $300.

      1. Oryx*

        If not for the 13 years I’d think you were my aunt. It was second marriage for both only her first husband died and left her money and the house and her second husband insisted on the prenup.

    14. Riverosprite*

      Ours was about $3K, but that’s on the high side. We had a lot of factors to consider, so our prenup is a little on the complicated side. It’s totally worth having one, I think. I would have objected if he had tossed me a stack of papers and said “sign or the wedding is off”, but we used the idea of a prenup as a starting point for a discussion of long term financial goals and obstacles, and our prenup was written in a way that protects us both.

    15. LibbyG*

      Ours cost about $400 to get drawn up, and I’m pretty sure we just wrote what would have happened under state law anyway. I think it was a great process for frank communication about money. If we ever split, I can’t imagine it being at all hostile, but amid such a sad moment, it would be such a relief to not have to talk through all that stuff. So, yeah, I’m pro-prenup!

    16. Christy*

      I have a prenup, but we did ours ourselves with the Nolo templates. Ours was simple, but our situation is pretty simple.

      I’m very pro-prenup. You’re already entering in a contract about how to divide your assets upon dissolution of the contract (the marriage) so you may as well customize it for your situation. Plus it lets you preemptively protect the other person from yourself in case of a divorce. Immediately pre-marriage you’re probably feeling a lot more generous to your spouse than immediately pre-divorce.

      By the same token, I think they’re really crappy when only one person wants one in order to protect themselves.

      1. Emma*

        …You know, thinking about your last bit, I think I’d be pretty worried if I wanted a prenup and my spouse didn’t. I don’t even think wanting one to protect yourself is necessarily a bad thing – it could be if your idea of protecting yourself is to make sure your spouse gets nothing, but that’s not always (or probably even often) the case.

        I would want a prenup if I got married because I do want to protect myself, I’ve seen what happens if you don’t. If my spouse-to-be balked at that? I’d be seriously reconsidering the whole marriage.

    17. Kj*

      If the concern is that you and your future spouse might not be on the same page about finances/children/other stuff, it might be cheaper to do some premarital sessions with a therapist to hash those out. Or do a Gottman marital class. I don’t think prenups are bad per se, but if you aren’t worried about protecting tons of assets, they might be overkill.

      1. Engineer Girl*

        But what about future assets? You could write the Great American Novel and become super rich. Who knows? A prenup can also guard assets generated within a marriage.
        I think a prenup instigates a discussion that absolutely should happen if you’re getting married. Unlike marriage classses, you are putting it in a legal document.

        1. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

          Exactly this. Prenups exist for two purposes: (1) to ensure a fair/safe division of assets and debts (accumulated both before and after marriage) if the marriage ends, and to do so in a relatively quick/painless way; and (2) to provide a conflict resolution system/plan.

          Right before marriage is the time when you’re going to be feeling your most generous and kind, and it’s a much better mindset to work from than when you’re in the middle of a divorce and everyone hates each other or is trying to claw back resources. It can also lower the stress and the stakes for everyone because it eliminates a huge unknown (i.e., what do we do if things go bad?).

    18. Jenny*

      For what it’s worth, assuming you are getting legally married it’s a contract with divorce terms etc whether you sign a prenup nor not. I’d check your local laws and see if you are ok with the government terms and if not a prenup is a way to make sure you’re both happy with the terms of the marriage contract.

  16. c'est la vie*

    Is anyone of two minds about recommending AAM to others? I’ll mention a letter to a friend or a co-worker and they’ll say, “Oh, that sounds awesome, send me the link so I can start reading the site” and of course I *do* but then I start to get paranoid about posting to the open threads. This is supposed to be my safe venting space, lol!

    1. AcidMeFlux*

      It’s like recommending my favorite restaurant! I feel selfish if I don’t, but I don’t want the whole world crowding in here.

      2. SophieChotek*

        Yep me too. (Although as far as I can tell, the people I’ve recommended AAM to, have not actually gone on to read it.) And honestly, I actually think the people I’ve recommended would know its me based on my username, if they did start reading.
        Yes – love the restaurant analogy too.

    2. nep*

      UGH. Yes. I mentioned it to a family member and immediately regretted it. (Fortunately it was just one time we talked about it and I think the person has forgotten.) Interesting you bring this up — I’ve thought about this.

    3. Bobbie*

      I post under lots of different names for this reason. It means I am not “known” here, but I really like recommending this site.

    4. KatieKate*

      I always recommend it for people looking for jobs or who need to ask a question, so then I never know who is/isn’t sticking around.

    5. Sherm*

      I think if you would be mortified if you were “un-anonynomized,” it’s best regardless to keep identifying details out, or to change some details that you are sure wouldn’t affect the advice you are looking for (like switch “my uncle” to “my cousin”). You never know who could be reading. I remember somebody once wrote in about a dysfunctional little ice cream shop she used to work in, and another commenter asked “Was this in Someplace, Illinois?” and it was!

      1. New Bee*

        This is what I do–I spent a lot of my third trimester in the archives and realized I may know one of the most popular commenter’s kids in real life! I worry less about the threads than submitting a letter though.

    6. Annony4This*

      YES! I recommended it to my boss (she is awesome herself, but HER boss is a whole ‘nother story).

      I am thinking about changing jobs in the next year or so (she is aware). I want to do it as professionally as possible. So I will change my posting name some, as I really don’t want to hurt or embarrass her.

    7. Temperance*

      I haven’t recommended it, but I’m fairly afraid that I’ll get doxxed. I have a very specific job that only about 200 or so people have across the US, and I talk about Philly often enough that anyone who puts two and two together and knows me would be able to doxx me.

    8. Jen RO*

      I just don’t recommend it to anyone in real life. I sometimes want to tell me boss “of course I know this, I read it on AAM”… but then I think of him reading the comments and figuring out who I am, so I shut up.

  17. Chilleh*

    After about 5 years of consistently not being alone for more than 2 nights at a time (and even then that was one weekend) I’ll be alone without SO for two weeks while he’s away. I have plenty of ideas for things to do but am still somewhat unsure what to do with myself.

    I’m torn between going out on day trips to practicing photography and just staying in and binge-watching Netflix when I’m not working. I am hoping to get together with a couple friends but everyone has different schedules, making that difficult.

    What projects do all of you like to work on when you find yourself alone for longer periods of time than usual?

    1. Zip Silver*

      I tend towards recreation. Either going to the beach or video games or reading. Occasionally I’ll take day long rides on my motorcycle through the countryside.

      1. Chilleh*

        Already working on the video games part! Going on a long motorcycle ride must be so much fun, especially if no cars are about.

    2. Cath in Canada*

      This is going to sound really boring, but I always do a really thorough deep clean of the whole house the first day I’m alone. It’s so satisfying because it stays cleaner for so much longer than usual! (My husband is a carpenter and trails sawdust everywhere he goes). After that I’ll go out with friends a couple of times a week, but mostly stay home and enjoy catching up on podcasts (hubby likes the TV on as background, even if there’s nothing on that we’re particularly interested in) and eating my favourite comfort foods that my husband finds too bland (baked potatoes, omelettes for dinner, lots of baked chicken).

      1. Franzia Spritzer*

        I deep clean too. Spouse is a in grad school and is always studying or sleeping (or at class or work), and I don’t want to disturb with vacuuming and hustle-bustle. Spouse attempts to make all house cleaning tasks a mutual effort, which is sweet but irritating. I used to clean houses and I’m fast and efficient about it, I zoom around and they’ll still be working on something… poorly. It’s just easier if they’re not here.

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I always get the urge to paint a room or two or do some other messy home improvement project.

    4. Reba*

      I have no good advice. Whenever my spouse is away and I’m at home, I seem to end up eating popcorn for dinner and staying up way too late reading or bingeing TV miniseries. :D

    5. c'est la vie*

      Mr. LaVie travels for work and for a while, he was gone 1 week/month. I found it helpful to mix it up: I gave myself some total sloth time and Netflix binged while eating potato chips, but I had to balance it with getting out and doing things- your photo day trip sounds perfect. I also discovered it was important to keep my usual routines like exercising and eating healthy, or I’d start to feel really cruddy.

  18. dating*

    I’ve been pretty apathetic about dating – I don’t really enjoy it. But over the past year I’ve found that the apps I’ve tried have a lot of people who say something in their profile about how they’re looking for people who are well cultured and traveled and who have lived in more than one city or state or “have life experience”. It’s really off-putting.

    I don’t know if I’m taking this too personally, but I find those statement more than a little classist and narrow minded. Traveling abroad or living in multiple states doesn’t make someone more intellectual or refined, and often people can’t travel or move because of money, family, or other reasons. I’ve definitely been on dates with people who are astounded when I haven’t gone to X, Y, or Z places or that I’ve only lived in one state my entire life. It makes me feel lesser even though I know rationally that not living elsewhere or traveling more isn’t really a character flaw.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Absolutely. I know a lot of well-traveled people who are extremely close-minded and who have very disturbingly condescending or fetishistic attitudes about people in countries they’ve visited. And, yes, many people cannot afford to travel.

    2. katamia*

      Travel is, to some extent, a lifestyle preference (although there’s a significant financial component to it, yes) similar to living in a small town versus a big city, living in a cold place versus a hot place, etc. As someone who does enjoy travel (and who has actually arranged her career choices around being able to travel), I do want someone who enjoys travel and has had some experience with it, just like as someone who prefers hot weather and cities, I’m just less compatible with someone who wants to move to rural Alaska and spend the rest of their life there.

      In general, I don’t think that people should be faulted for wanting a romantic partner whose “ideal life” matches up with their own. The people you’ve gone out with sound like jerks, though, and I’m not trying to excuse their behavior. I just don’t think it’s automatically narrow-minded, if one enjoys traveling, to want to be with someone who also enjoys it.

      1. Mela*

        This. I met my husband online and had lived several years abroad. He had been to Canada. But he wanted to travel. All that mattered, as katamia said, was that our mutual goals lined up. Big Travel takes money, but there is some desire/personality at play, too. Do you go to a new neighborhood on a day off to walk around, or do you binge watch Netflix? Do you read travel blogs, or books about faraway places since you can’t afford to travel? Do you take small day trips or weekend trips, if you can afford it? Do you have a travel fund, even if it’s a jar of spare change? Taking that into consideration isn’t wrong, but being an ass about it is.

        So yes, obnoxious people are on dating websites. This isn’t news. People want partners who “take care of themselves” ie not fat or who are “hardworking” ie make a lot of money. I actually prefer it when people use that language because it makes it easier to weed them out! They’re doing you a favor!

        1. Overeducated*

          I like this way of thinking about the mentality, not how far you go! I have gone from spending months overseas for work to working close to home, having limited vacation time, and prioritizing seeing relatives now that a kid is in the picture and I want the grandparents to know him. But I always have a list of cultural stuff and interesting places to visit in my area, and I drag my family around on the weekends. There’s interesting stuff everywhere, not just far away.

          1. Mela*

            Yes, mentality is the better term for it. My parents sound just like you! They had travelled extensively and lived abroad, but once the kiddos came along, it was all about roadtripping to see family for vacations. Because my parents never lost that mentality of adventure/travel/novelty, we went to museums, parks and all sorts of festivals etc. nearly every weekend.

    3. Central Perk Regular*

      When my friends and I were in our dating phase, we often joked that if we saw “travel” as one of a guy’s interest, we would just pass him by. It seemed like every jerk we would meet online was all about travel. Obviously, I know this is a huge generalization, and thats why it was an inside joke between us friends.

      I also learned that if a guy said in his profile that “he wasnt into drama” or a similar statement, he was usually the one bringing drama into his life for many reasons. That was a hard lesson to learn.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        Similarly, I like to joke that any man who says something in their profile about how they want me to laugh at their jokes or enjoy women who smile and laugh gets an automatic pass. In my experience, about 8 out of 10 male profiles had something like that and it skeeved me out. It still annoys me.

        Though, I’ve seen the travel thing mentioned on both male and female profiles so maybe it’s just the cool new thing to write about, the same way outdoor activities or “enjoys staying in to watch Netflix, but also enjoys going out” were cool things to write.

        1. Gaia*

          Oh man, the guys that want a girl to laugh at their jokes. I dated a lot of them. Nearly all of them made jokes at the expense of women – and that got mad when I didn’t laugh because I clearly had no sense of humor.

          1. all aboard the anon train*

            My annoyance from that stems from the fact that I’ll laugh if I think something is funny, but I don’t like being told to laugh to stroke someone’s ego or confidence. This is probably why I don’t find many comedy sitcoms funny tbh.

            And yeah, I’ve found a lot of the men who want women to laugh at their jokes usually make jokes at the expense of other people’s appearance or gender/sexuality/religion/race.

      2. Central Perk Regular*

        Specifically about travel – you’re right that some people cant afford to travel. My salary is okay but I dont have a ton of extra money to go towards travel right now. For example, it was more important to me to pay off all of my debt and save for a down payment for a house rather than take a vacation (or multiple) a year. So needless to say, I havent had a travel vacation since college (Im in my mid 30s). But me and my husband are taking our belated honeymoon next year abroad and we are excited about it. We have saved for a year for the trip and will not be going into debt for it.

        On the other hand, my best friend makes a great salary, is single, and very financially responsible. Travel is her passion and she travels frequently. She is also one of the most down to earth and non-judgemental people I know. Her last boyfriend was in major debt and couldnt afford to travel (and it also wasnt a passion of his) and it caused a lot of strain in their relationship.

      3. Courtney*

        I’ve found every person who says “I can’t tolerate drama” is the the one who causes the most drama too. And they’re so oblivious to it also.

        1. Lissa*

          This is so accurate. The people who post those “I don’t got no time for drama” memes are always the ones who make the most amount of drama in their lives…

      4. Dan*

        It’s actually ok if you pass me by, because if that’s not an important part of your life, it’s good to know that up front. I spend a lot of time and a good chunk of money traveling abroad, so if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing. But I wouldn’t laugh at it, that’s for sure.

        1. Emma*

          Yeah, if I ever try online dating again, I’d put things in like my love of travel and my being functionally nocturnal, specifically because those might be deal-breakers for people. That’s kind of the point of these profiles, no?

    4. dating woes*

      I don’t understand the people who “like” my profile or seem to indicate interest but don’t send a message and when I send them a message, never respond. I don’t think *all* my intro letters are that bad. I just don’t know how to understand it. I usually will like someone I am interested in, but perhaps feel shy about approaching. Am I missing something?

      1. Dan*

        I’ve come to the conclusion that’s overthinking it. Who knows what’s going on in a person’s mind when they “like” somebody. Where they on a “like” binge that night and liked a lot of people? And got 10 responses back and don’t have time for them all? Were they actually in a relationship of some sort, and had a spat with the other person, and decided to go see what’s out there? And the next day made up with the partner so who cares about the online thing?

        I’m curious about your gender and orientation. There’s still a lot of really well defined “norms” in online dating, and on the major sites, the norms are that women like men, and men better be writing letters. That is, the norm for a woman interested in a man is for the woman to “like” the man, and the man to respond with a letter. The norm for a man interested in a woman is to write the woman a letter, and “liking” them is considered passive and unlikely to get a response.

        1. dating woes*

          That’s really helpful actually about the overthinking it and also the more specific gender norms. In general I try to do that, be the writer, that’s why i also try to respond to the likes (unlike they are really far off from what I am looking for, and then I wonder if they read my profile at all). But sometimes it’s hard to keep writing.

    5. Dan*

      I’ve learned over the years that we all have rights to our own opinions. While I never wrote anything in my profile about being “well cultured”, I grew up in a part of the country that is rather narrow minded, and I don’t miss that at all. I now live in a transient area, (really, few people who live in and around DC are “from” DC) so putting a statement like that in one’s profile doesn’t add much.

      So, the travel thing… I think I put “I like to travel.” In reality, I’ve been to 30 countries in the last ten years. I get a month of vacation, which I generally take all at once to travel to far corners of the world. Yes, I’ve been on my fair share of journeys that require 20 total hours of flying time.

      International travel is an important part of my lifestyle and my budget, and TBH, I can’t imagine being in a long term committed relationship with someone who doesn’t share that. I want to travel with my SO, not leave them home while I go galavanting abroad.

      What I don’t do is get into “one up” competitions. My experiences are just that — mine. They’re different than yours. I’m not better or worse than you are because I’ve had different experiences than you. It’s not a competition. (Some people get really egotistical about that stuff, so.I think I understand some of what gets on your nerves.)

      However… if you think spending $3k-$5k a year on overseas vacations is too much, or that you can’t stand long plane rides, or can’t get more than a week of vacation off at a time? I’m not going to be in a hurry to be in a committed relationship with you. Those are my values and priorities, and I need someone who complements them. I’m not into leaving you home while I go off and have fun.

      To your point about not everybody has those opportunities, well yeah, that’s true. Not everybody has that kind of cash, and not everybody has that kind of vacation time. It’s certainly not a reflection on you if you don’t get as much vacation time as I do or you don’t have the flexibility that I do in how you use it. What it is though, is an indicator that we have vastly different lifestyles and budget priorities, which may very well be deal breakers. They’re not personal.

      1. dating*

        My problem is I want to travel, but budget and lack of time at work prevent me. And it does feel personal when someone acts like I’m not worldly or experienced or interesting because I’m not fortunate to be able to afford to do something I long to. Travel isn’t the only thing in life that gives you interesting stories or life experience.

        People who say my lack of travel is a deal breaker do insinuate it is a reflection of me. I’m just tired of people acting so shocked that I haven’t been to X place or that I can’t afford to take a last minute trip across the country or to Europe.

        1. Dan*

          I get why you’re frustrated with people who are oh so “shocked” that you haven’t done X. I’m shocked that they don’t seem to understand other people live life differently than they do. If they haven’t figured that out by now, what have they learned in their worldly travels?

          I do think you’re letting things get to you a bit. If you didn’t care to travel, you’d look at their profile, think that your interests are different, and move on, right?

          Never having been out of the country isn’t an out-of-hand deal breaker for me, but some of the underlying reasons might be. For one thing, if you can only take off one week at a time? I’ve been to Asia several times, and I love it. But it’s not a vacation I’d take for just a week, as getting over jet lag will cut in to half the trip. So knowing my SO and I will never go to Asia, Australia, India, or somewhere else far away until they change jobs?

          I’m not even playing devil’s advocate here, as this is the kind of thing that I deal with in my life. I travel in a way that few young people can — I have a lot of vacation and no limitations on how I take it. It’s rare. So the thing I have to deal with is figuring out how to incorporate someone in my life who doesn’t have that flexibility, or enjoy life on my own. For me, I just can’t see fully committing to someone who can’t share that with me. I do date people without that flexibility, but right now if I fully committed to someone like that, I’d feel like they are holding me back. That’s not fair, so I don’t.

        2. Emma*

          I think a lot depends on how they communicate that. If they’re telling you to your face that they’re so! shocked! that you don’t travel, or they’re constantly in your face about how they went here and there and you totally can’t relate because you’ve never gone – yeah, that’s rude.

          On the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with it being a deal-breaker for someone who really does like to travel a lot, just like there’s nothing wrong with someone finding being a morning person a deal-breaker or whatever. It’s not a reflection on you in that case so much as a reflection of their own priorities, and if they’re passing you by for whatever reason, they probably weren’t a good match to begin with.

          1. Lissa*

            I agree. I actually feel similarly about reading (on dating sites and so on). Socially aware geeks who would never be openly classist will say things about how horrified they were that somebody didn’t have novels in their house, or only read a couple of books a year. I know some very smart people with learning disabilities that make reading a chore for them, and some people just prefer other activities and aren’t necessarily worse people because of it. (I say this as a massive reader!)

            I think there’s a huge difference between “this activity is really important to me and I want somebody who will enjoy it” and implying that others who feel differently are less worthy or making assumptions about why.

            I mean heck, you get to be picky and irrational on a dating profile, IMO! But certain things do get pretty…loaded. and I get why people might get sick of seeing the same phrases over and over.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      I’ve come to view travel as something that a lot of people talk about when they don’t have anything more interesting to use as self-identification. Everyone likes going on vacation, ya know?

      It’s like when people say they love music without elaborating. It doesn’t mean anything. So they sing along to the car radio on the way to work.

      1. Dan*

        It’s funny, I’ve been to 30 countries, and IRL, I don’t talk about it unless there’s something relevant to the conversation at hand. Why? I find it to be very personal. I do it for me because I want to. I don’t do it to brag about it. I tend to have different tastes than many folk — having a discussion about the greatest European capital or the best city in Spain doesn’t do jack for me. And as “dating” mentions above, I don’t feel like dealing with others’ indignation because I haven’t done X, or feel that Y is overrated.

        Don’t get me wrong — if someone wants tips or has questions about something, I’m happy to talk at length. But to your point, while it’s a big part of my life and my discretionary budget, it certainly doesn’t define me.

  19. Anonymous Educator*

    Alison, you’ve had some great guest appearances on others’ podcasts. Is there anything we can do as the AaM to help you launch your own podcast?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Thank you for asking! I’m seriously thinking about doing a podcast next year, but first I need to finish a big major project that’s taking up all my time. It should be finished by the spring though, and then I’m going to turn seriously to thoughts of podcasting.

    2. Jean aka the Recovering Packrat*

      Alison,
      It will be interesting to hear your voice after spending so much time reading your words–sort of the reversed experience of meeting a radio journalist in real life.

  20. Myrin*

    For those of you following my thrilling tale of the criminal shenanigans going on in my area, I have an unexpected update (“unexpected” insofar as I didn’t think there would be one anytime soon, not because something ~~shocking~~ was revealed or anything):

    The police called me on Monday to ask me to come in once again to look at some photos yet again. So I arrived at the station on Wednesday and was now greeted by an elderly guy in civilian clothes – I mention that because I don’t know how it is in other countries but here, that means that he’s higher up the chain than someone in uniform (so, higher up than the guy who previously interrogated me). It was very clear that now with the car chase, actual theft, and damages four times as high as in “my” case, the stakes had gone up considerably.

    I now, finally, had to give a “real” statement. As in, I sat there for one and a half hours and had to painstakingly describe what I remembered of the perps’ conversation, their clothes, what they looked like, everything. I also had to look at pictures again and, well, they had caught the two boys from the car chase and their pictures were among the ones shown to me but neither of them was one of the guys sitting across from me on the train (which, according to the officer, was “well, shit”). But, SURPRISE, one of the car chase guys had almost the same name as the one the guys on my train kept talking about as their other friend who was with them during their vandalising (in fact, the differences between the two names can be easily explained away by how my train guys spoke horribly, that is).

    So my personal theory is that this fifteen-year-old (!) boy is some kind of wannabe crimelord and has a whole circle of friends with whom he steals and vandalises and crashes vehicles and man am I wondering how this whole thing is going to turn out.

    1. fposte*

      I love that you’ve got this whole second life as a crime fighter. It’s like you have the power to make criminals reveal themselves.

      1. Myrin*

        This made me laugh out loud – it makes it sound like I’m some kind of superhero in disguise (and what a useful power that would be for a superhero)! :D

        But honestly, I’m just a very observant and inquisitive person with a creative mind (which I definitely get from my mum – she only learned how to use Google three years ago and now she will find you the most obscure information, hidden special agent, or secret underground laboratory with just a few clicks; it’s astonishing).

        And really, these policemen were SO narrow-minded with regards to some thing, especially for someone whose job it is to actually pierce clues together and whatnot, I couldn’t believe it. Like, as I said, Train Guys were talking about their friend who was with them – let’s say they called him Richard. And now I learn that the 15-year-old Car Chase Boy’s name is “Rickard” (I know, I know, but bear with me for the sake of the example, okay?). It’s pretty obvious to me that they’re possibly the same person, especially since Train Guys spoke in what we call “rapper language” here which is know for, among other things, substituting a “k” with a “ch”. And the officer got that, too (although he was super surprised by it even though I’ve told both of the other guys asking me questions the very same thing already; do these people not talk to each other or read their coworkers’ files?), but he was very adamant about whether Train Guys had actually said “Richard” or “Rickard”. And I was like “No, they definitely said Richard” and he couldn’t seem to comprehend completely that they might still have talked about Rickard, even though it didn’t match up 100%. In the end, he settled on writing down “Could have been ‘Rickard’ as well”.

    2. SophieChotek*

      Thanks for the update. I’ve been reading (if not commenting) and it’s fascinating saga. I feel like I see a great TV episode somewhere with this.

  22. Mela*

    What are your favorite holiday vegetable side dishes?

    We’re doing Christmas Eve at my MIL and she was telling me her planned menu (a long list of delicious, non-vegetable foods) and then at the very end, “Oh and I guess a salad or something.” I laughed and politely reminded her that her son would be very unhappy with a vegetable-free meal, and that we can contribute one or two veggie dishes. I suggested my favorite holiday go-to, brussels sprouts with onions and bacon, what what are some other options?

    1. katamia*

      LOL. Until I read your last sentence, I was getting ready to reply with my favorite, brussels sprouts with shallots and prosciutto.

      This never really rubbed off on me, but my mom is a huge fan of spaghetti squash. I don’t think there’s a formal recipe she uses or anything, though. I think she just puts in whatever she feels like putting in.

    2. danr*

      We always like strings beans sauteed with peppers and onions. With some basil for seasoning. It’s fast, easy to make, easy to reheat. We add a whole garlic clove or two (or three) but that’s a personal preference.

    3. fposte*

      I will never get tired of roast carrots. Cut them in quarters and then down to 2-3″ lengths, toss them in olive oil, throw them on a baking sheet and let them ride with whatever else is in the oven. If the oven is full to bursting already and you want something quicker, broil asparagus–toss them in olive oil, salt ’em and broil ’em for 6-10 minutes, adding grated Parmesan toward the end if you like (I do).

      1. CAA*

        I was going to suggest roasted root vegetables. Same recipe as your carrots, but also include parsnips, salsify, onions (cut in quarters but keep the root end so they layers stay together), sweet potatoes, etc.

        1. fposte*

          I just heard about a thing where you slice sweet potatoes thin (like with a mandoline) and cook them in the toaster. Has anybody tried that? I find the idea irresistible though I’m worried I won’t be able to get the slices out of the toaster, even if I cut them lengthwise.

          2. Mallory Janis Ian*

            I’ve never tried it, but I’d worry about the liquid that tends to cook out of vegetables burning in my toaster and ruining it.

            1. fposte*

              I thought of this too, but reports say it doesn’t; since sweet potatoes don’t really sweat when cooking in general I can see that.

              1. Overeducated*

                It works and is tasty! You just have to watch carefully, the line between soft and burned is easy to cross.

        3. zora*

          I like lots of veggies mixed together and roasted. I usually have squash (delicata or acorn), golden beets, sweet potato, apple, parsnip, onion (quarters), and portabello mushroom. two pats of butter on the bottom, drizzle with maple syrup, 2 Tb of mustard on top.

          I make this at least every other week in the winter, it’s one of my favorite dishes ever. I make it a main dish sometimes by adding a couple of sausages cut up, one pan dinner FTW!

      2. Mela*

        Oooh roast carrots! I had nearly forgotten their wonderfulness! This is going alongside an Italian menu, so I think carrots will be perfect!

      3. Yetanotherjennifer*

        Me too. I tend to buy a big bag of babies every week and whatever is left at the end gets roasted. And once they’re roasted you can toss them in a little extra something like lemon juice, balsamic vinegar, honey mustard, or my favorites, pomegranate molasses.

    4. Allypopx*

      Roasted sweet potatoes with brown sugar, curry cauliflower (or any kind of spicy cauliflower really) , mashed turnips, caramelized pearl onions with red bell pepper…

      I could eat a whole meal of just vegetable side dishes. Well, that and stuffing.

      1. Overeducated*

        Me too. Last time I went to a steakhouse (for a rehearsal dinner), I was the one who ordered three sides but no steak. I’m not even vegetarian…

    5. Amadeo*

      Broccoli Cauliflower casserole? Bag of broccoli, bag of cauliflower, can of condensed mushroom soup, half jar of cheez whiz (or one of the smaller jars, if you can find them), french fried onions.

      You boil the veggies until they’re thawed and cooked a little bit, but not completely, drain and put in a casserole dish. Mix your soup and cheez whiz together, pour over the top, sprinkle on the fried onions and stick it in the over on 350 for a little while. I never time it, I just take it out when the onions are starting to turn a deep brown. About half an hour I guess.

      I expect you could use whatever frozen vegetable you like, or add carrots or asparagus or something, although I’ve never tried. But it’s a favorite around the holidays at our house and I make it for The Three Big Dinners of the year (Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas).

    6. response*

      My MIL always had carrots. I have done a broccoli, cauliflower and carrots mix. Sister usually had a green bean casserole. But I don’t think husband and kids would even notice if there were no vegetables.

    7. JKP*

      We started a holiday tradition a couple years ago, where each person attending requests their favorite side dish (some people request the same things). That way everyone gets their favorite, and the cook doesn’t have to make something no one is particularly interested in.

      Vegetable side dishes that are often requested:
      scalloped corn
      scalloped potatoes
      green bean casserole
      baked beans (my aunt’s from-scratch recipe)

    10. LizB*

      I’ve recently become obsessed with a recipe I found for roasted brussels sprouts and sweet potatoes. It barely even merits the title of “recipe,” honestly, because it’s so easy, but the veggies turn out all tender and caramelized and omg it’s so good. I may have to make it this week. I’ll post a link in a reply comment.

    11. Jenbug*

      my mom makes an awesome corn casserole that has regular corn, creamed corn, cornbread, and sour cream (I think that’s it, but if anyone is interested, I can get the actual recipe).

    13. Overeducated*

      Making Spanish style spinach and chickleas for dinner tonight, also a grwat side.

      Others: Roasted broccoli with lots of garlic and oil. Creamed spinach (my favorite of all time). Cauliflower with anchovy paste, vinegar, capers, golden raisins, and bread crumbs. Marinated mushrooms. Middle Eastern style green beans (cooked on the stove until soft with lots of oil, tomato, and onion).

    14. Franzia Spritzer*

      I very much like a simple root veggie roast for big shared meals. Big cuts of sweet potatoes (or yams), rutabagas, carrots, parsnips, beats, quartered onions or pearl onions, drizzle of oil, salt & pepper, roast and boom, delicious.

      1. Mela*

        Yea? We’re not vegetarian or anything, we just like vegetables. And it’s a holiday so I would go all out and add bacon, which I normally don’t always do because it’s more work.

    16. Chaordic One*

      I know it’s not particularly fancy, but I’ve always been a sucker for a good old-fashioned green bean casserole made with mushroom soup and French’s fried onions. Good and filling.

    17. LCL*

      Spinach salad with vinaigrette, feta or other tasty cheese, candied nuts. No onions. No shallots in the dressing. I would’n’t eat salads when I was a kid; I never understood why my mom people put onions in salad and every main dish. Who knows, you might turn someone in the family on to salads.

    18. Emma*

      Roast acorn squash – can be done savory (with butter and black pepper) or sweet (with maple syrup).

      Cranberry sauce, or apple sauce. Bourbon peaches. (I know, I know, but fruits are delicious.)

      Garlic-mashed potatoes. Potato pancakes. Corn pancakes. We have serious arguments each year about which pancakes we’re doing.

      Roasted parsnips. I don’t think I’ve ever done them the same way twice – all involve roasting, but with various other things on top for flavor, like cranberries or onions.

      Onion soup.

      Sweet potatoes. I honestly prefer them just baked – the marshmallow casserole thing is way too sweet for me. They’re really good with some black pepper on them.

      Stuffed tomatoes – we stuff them with a mix of parmesan and spinach, but I think everyone I know uses different things.

      Garlicky greens – literally just spinach (or other greens) sauteed with garlic.

      If you do want a salad, arugula (or other greens) with lemon vinaigrette is a big hit around my house.

      Miso-glazed eggplant. My nephew hates this, but I have to lock my brother out of the kitchen if he’s over when I make them.

      Zucchini fries.

      …I should probably stop before I list every veggie dish I’ve ever made for the holidays.

    19. Colette*

      Salads – broccoli/cauliflower, tomato with cheese and dried bread with olive oil/balsamic vinegar/fresh garlic dressing, coleslaw, spinach/butternut squash

    20. Jenny*

      Green beans and almonds (beans almandine) is delicious and you can toast the almonds and prep the beans before hand and then steam when you get there if there is space. I like butter and salt but olive oil is traditional in my family.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Olive claims the tree* every year. We have a faux-fur tree skirt, and she sleeps in it from the day the tree goes up until the day it comes down. None of the other cats join her under there, which is disappointing to me!

      This year they haven’t attempted to destroy it, which is a relief. Last year, Olive and Eve were constantly climbing it, attacking ornaments, creating large holes by displacing branches, and generally making me want to get rid of it. We even bought something called Tree Defender, which is a barrier that goes around the trunk about two feet up and is supposed to guarantee that your cat can’t climb past it. An hour after putting up, I found Eve had climbed above it and was sleeping on top of it like a shelf. But this year, they have left it alone, with the exception of occasional batting at an ornament while in high spirits.

      * As a Jew, I must state that this is my husband’s tree, although I find it quite enjoyable to look at (and I may have bought a large number of ornaments of animals wearing human clothing for it).

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I finally gave up on having a tree skirt because my cat keeps wrestling it into a wadded-up mess under the tree. Every time I straighten it out, she pounces on it and wrestles it back into submission. And then, a couple of days ago when I was trying to straighten it out, I found that she has been peeing on it. So now the tree is just bare underneath.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          Our cats have been pretty good, but I was ready to kill one of them this morning. There is a hole in the underside of our mattress. Sometimes the cats hide there when scary people (like the UPS driver) come to the door, or when it thunders. This morning, around 5:15, the fattest cat wedged himself in the mattress because he was trying to chase one of the ornaments he knocked off the tree. He batted it under the bed and then would not leave it alone. Today was the ONLY day I had this week to sleep in (until 8:00), and he just had to come in and bother us less than three hours before I had to be awake, so I was pretty grumpy.

      3. Al Lo*

        Under the tree is Owsin’s current favorite place to sleep. She’s snoozing there right now. Forget all the soft pillows and couches and beds that she usually sleeps on… this year, she’s all about the very thin tree skirt as enough padding for her. We’re lucky she’s never tried to climb the tree or bat the ornaments around, and we get a real tree every year.

        Our previous cat would leave all of the ornaments alone, as long as there was one on the floor for her to play with. If we didn’t leave one off the tree, she’d bat at the tree until she knocked one off, and then she’d be perfectly happy.

      4. Natalie*

        I feel very lucky that our cat is afraid of the tree. She actually hugged the wall and skittered away the first year we brought one in, and this year she hasn’t even gotten close. And the dog doesn’t seem to care either. Phew!

  24. The Other Dawn*

    My brother was diagnosed with cancer a couple weeks ago. The CAT scan revealed a couple spots on his stomach and liver. Now we’re waiting for news on what the treatment plan will be.

    To give some background, I’m 42 and he’s 60. He was in prison for most of my life (30 years; not rape, murder or child-related) and got released 12 years ago in 2004. He got married in 2007, has his own home, a truck, 2 cats, and has a steady job he’s been at for about 8 years. He’s always doing something, whether it’s camping, kayaking, visiting family, whatever. So now he gets hit with cancer. Esophageal cancer, and they found a few spots on the stomach and liver.

    So, how do I feel about it? Hmm. I’m sad, because I know this it’s advanced (however I see up thread someone’s dad beat it, which gives me a lot of hope). But I’m more sad for him. Yes, he’s been a heavy smoker for many, many years, but it’s just so unfair to him. He was in prison for half his life, has 12 awesome years of living, recovers from Hepatitis C, and now gets this giant kick in the balls. I just can’t imagine how blindsided he probably feels and that’s what’s hard for me. To be honest, he was gone from home as long as I can remember. And although I visited him in prison, he’s really only been truly in my life for 12 years. So, I imagine when he’s gone it’s likely to feel like it did most of my life. Does that make sense?

    I’m trying to keep my mind off it, since we don’t have any details and won’t until later next week. And I’m trying to remember not to worry about things I can’t change (my motto; not that I don’t worry, but I’m trying not to obsess over details I don’t yet have).

    1. Emmie*

      I am really sorry to both you and your brother. Many well wishes his way. Sometimes people in tough situations feel like bad things keep happening even when they turn their lives around. If he ever feels that way, remind him that bad things happen no matter what and his positive life choices will help him recover faster. But, big well wishes.

    2. Gaia*

      I’m sorry for your brother, you, and all of his loved ones. Cancer is the literal effing worst. It is cruel and it doesn’t care what good or bad or neutral you’ve done.

      I hope his prognosis is good and that treatment goes as well as it can.

    4. SophieChotek*

      I’m sorry to hear about this too. Best wishes and hopes for better outcome.
      Virtual hugs and keep us updated.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks, everyone. Trying very hard to get in the Christmas spirit, but it just isn’t happening. I just to stop obsessing until he has his appointment Wednesday and we hear something. I really hate this uncertainty.

    8. SeekingBetter*

      I’m sorry to hear this. Your brother sounds like he was doing good until the diagnosis. Many well wishes to your brother.

    9. Rahera*

      I’m really sorry to hear this, and I’m thinking of you and your brother. I hope you soon have some more information and can begin to work out the next steps for his care. Such a hard time for both of you. All the best, please keep us posted if that’s helpful to you.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh. This stuff is tough. Some people just seem to have really rough lives more so than other people. Where it is hard to watch this unfold, it is almost impossible to make some kind of sense out of it all. One day at a time, you know the one day at a time thing. Stuff like this can really remind us to get the most out of each day, that is the only part of the story that we can really impact.

      Will keep you and yours in my thoughts.

    11. Anono-me*

      Good energy to you and your brother.

      Keep in mind that the guesstimated average prognoses are based upon the past and every single day new advances in treatment are being made.

      It is okay to be sad about this and spend some time grieving for the time you will be losing with your brother (and for the time you already lost). But as trite as it sounds and as hard as it is to do: Please try to find as much joy as you can in today.

  25. all aboard the anon train*

    What are your favorite desserts this time of year? I don’t really celebrate any holidays, but I do enjoy attending holiday parties and baking for them. Growing up, my family would always have a huge New Year’s party and there was always an abundance of kolaczki and chrusciki, so those are my go-tos when baking for parties. They’re always a big hit.

    What do you all enjoy or what desserts come to mind when you think of the holiday season?

    1. Amadeo*

      Apple pie! I don’t even care about the turkey or the ham at Thanksgiving and Christmas so long as there’s an apple pie available for dessert.

      1. SophieChotek*

        Popcorn balls…I can’t remember the last time I had one.
        Maybe I’ll hint to my mom she can make some.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      An entry for both this thread and the “unpopular opinions” thread above: I freaking LOVE fruitcake. I would eat a pound for breakfast every day if I thought I’d survive more than a week!

      And stroopwafels. I usually let myself have some on New Year’s day or my birthday with my morning coffee.

      Apparently I prefer dessert for breakfast. :D

    4. Mela*

      I love cranberry chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. I once tried a pumpkin cheesecake pie (half cheesecake, half pumpkin pie) that was delicious and I’ve been meaning to try my hand at it. I think I’m also going to try baking with pears this year as well, we’ll see how it goes.

    5. Girasol*

      Fruit crisps made from apples and summer fruits from the freezer. Christmas cookies, especially butter spritz sandwiched with icing in between.

    6. SophieChotek*

      Krumkrake (sp)? Not sure it’s quite a dessert – but it sounds good.
      Maybe I should try to make some for my new neighbors. (I like this idea. Anyone got a good recipe?)

      1. Meg*

        Isn’t that just the norwegian name for crumb cake? I had it while I was there and it was a simple yellow or white cake? (Don’t remember exactly). May also just be Scandinavian?

        1. Sheep*

          It’s not, actually! It kind of looks like a tortilla, but hard, and it’s made on a special iron. So yummy with ice cream! (Says the involuntary gluten-free Norwegian. Makes me sad!)

    7. zora*

      I make double-ginger cookies every year, they have tons of fresh ginger in them and are chewy and spicy, love!! In fact, I need to get on that, i haven’t made a batch yet.

      My mom always used to make real pfefferneuse cookies growing up. Also, Pioneer Woman’s Nantucket Cranberry Pie has become a staple in our family. I usually make some kind of shortbread, and I make hot cocoa as often as I can. I also like a good pecan pie, but I’m one of those weirdos who doesn’t really love most of the traditional holiday pies. So, I just make as many cookies as I can make and eat. ;o)

    10. Anonyby*

      Cookies!

      My grandmother’s sugar cookies (the kind that you roll in balls and press, not the ones you cut out with cookie cutters). Ginger snaps. Snickerdoodles. I have a recipe for peppermint pressed cookies that I ADORE, but I seem to be the only one who does. :( Sometimes I’ll sub almond extract for the mint and they go like hotcakes, but it’s just not the same.

    12. Emilia Bedelia*

      Cookies! My family always started baking in early December and made tons of cookies. My own specialties are linzer cookies, pizzelles, and chocolate orange biscotti, but we’d always have at least 4-6 varieties of cookies by Christmas.

      I recently made a ginger spice cookie from Epicurious (just search “ginger spice cookies Epicurious”) that I can’t recommend highly enough. They were truly delicious, and I think they’ll be entering the Christmas cookie rotation as well.

    13. Ann Furthermore*

      Pumpkin pie truffles! I found a recipe a few years ago and tried them as a Thanksgiving dessert, and people went insane over them. Now I make them as goodies for friends and neighbors. They’re not hard to make, look/taste incredibly decadent, and one batch of 30 makes 3 nice little packages of 10 for gifts.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        Ohhh, do you have a preferred recipe for the pumpkin pie truffles? I usually make truffles for gift packages, but I’ve never done a pumpkin pie one!

    15. Stachington*

      Pralines! They ship really well and most people go crazy for them so I make a ton and ship them to friends and family each year. They’ve become my “thing”.

  26. fposte*

    Weird emotional ride from Google stuff lately. I looked up one really nice kid I’d known when I was little and found he’d died a couple of years ago; the cause wasn’t stated, but it sounded from one guestbook entry like he might have been ill; he’d also lost his partner a few years previously, though, who sounded like the nicest guy in the world. So I’m hoping his life was happy with his partner and despite his loss.

    And then I looked for articles on a cousin’s friend, who’d been in a car wreck that eventually killed him in college, decades ago. Or so my cousin thought–it turned out he’d only died a few years ago, and when you read between the lines it was a heartbreaking obituary, with highlights of his life stopping in college and a thank you to the staff of the medical institution where he presumably had been living for all these years. Doubt I’ll tell my cousin this info, but I’m haunted by it.

    1. Myrin*

      Wow, both of those stories really hit me right now and I’m not even involved with them whatsoever.

      My mum – whose mad Google skillz I incidentally just mentioned in another reply to you like what are the odds – periodically googles people she used to know spanning from her years being a kid to in her mid-thirties when she moved and had me. And it’s rare that she doesn’t find anything about someone whatsoever but one of these elusive people is her first boyfriend. She literally split up with him forty years ago and from what she tells me he wasn’t a very nice guy or good partner but he does have that weird special place in her heart that I gather first relationships often do for people. And whenever she talks about that, she gets this kind of faraway look and has a feeling that he isn’t alive anymore which is weird because, as I said, they broke up 40 years ago, haven’t been in contact since, and weren’t really a good match anyway, but it almost brings her to tears every time. She knows from his father’s obituary that he’s been alive in 2007 but she says he’s absolutely someone who would definitely have some kind of internet presence and that it’s weird that he couldn’t be found anywhere if he were still on this earth. It’s a strange thing really.

      1. fposte*

        It’s the curse of being a Google detective, I think. The first guy was actually a friend of the same cousin, and I also found that this cousin’s beloved first high school girlfriend died a few years ago. He’s not a chase-the-past kind of guy so I don’t think his life will be enhanced by being told, so I end up as the keeper of sad information that isn’t quite a secret. I bet your mom is finding out a lot of things about people’s lives, histories, and families that she ends up carrying, too.

        But finding out this guy had spent thirty years in what sounded like brain death or nearly so made me very appreciative of the comparative smallness of my problems.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      People used to just disappear from our lives and we could assume they “lived happily ever after”. The net changed all that. When my husband passed someone asked me “Did you say to yourself, ‘This is marriage? This is all there is to it?’ ” Yep, I sure did. But I found that I use this format for many similar questions, “This is life? This is all there is to it?”

      There is more to the story than what we see in papers and online, we know that but sometimes we have to remind ourselves. Yet at the same time, I am amazed by the amount of sadness and suffering I see and we are supposed to be a strong nation. I cannot imagine what it is like elsewhere.

      I used google to go through the streets of the town I grew up in. I ended up crying. I said nothing to my cousin. She went there and drove the streets of our town, she ended up crying and had to leave. Nothing has changed in the 30 plus years we have been gone. I mean that in a sad way. I knew it wouldn’t that was part of the reason I left. Their problems are entrenched.

      Yep. These stories are haunting. I think we are supposed to be haunted, we are supposed to grow restless and want to do things differently or advocate for changes, etc. The mind-bender I ask myself is “now that I know this new-to-me piece of information how will I allow it to change me or what I am doing?”

      Clearly that is a private answer not for the internet. And it’s unique, you’d pick something different than what I would pick and we would both be different from yet a third person. Annnd there is no “correct” answer, which is really not helpful, at least to me.

      I will say this, you are very smart, creative person and IF you decide to change something or impact something I already know it will be in a very interesting and insightful manner ;) .

  27. Legalchef*

    We had our 12 week sonogram yesterday! The tech said everything looks good, and it was so cool to see the baby flipping around inside of me and stretching out his/her teeny arms and legs. And so weird to know that someone is swimming around inside of me and I can’t feel it!!

    Also we are having friends over for dinner tonight and I made a mushroom bourginion (to be served over parsley-chive egg noodles) -and chocolate stout cake (to be served with fresh whipped cream and raspberries).

    So all in all, I’ve had a pretty good couple of days!!

  28. katamia*

    What’s everyone reading this week? I’m rereading Liu Cixin’s The Three-Body Problem so I can read the other books in the trilogy. It’s just as good the second time around so far, and I hope the sequels are also this good.

    1. Allypopx*

      I’m taking another stab at the Wheel of Time series. I read the first three books a few years ago and I can’t say I retained much of it. My boyfriend mentioned it a week or so ago and I got the urge to try again.

      I also read “2 A.M and the Cat’s Pajamas” this week which is a cute quick read.

    2. Chilleh*

      “A Gift From Bob” by James Bowen – Just needed an uplifting story right now and stories about cats typically make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

      Also reading Old Man’s War, and so far it’s a lot of fun. I really like the idea about a lot of seniors going out and saving the world, though I imagine the story will be more nuanced than that.

    3. Mints*

      I just finished the Mistborn trilogy by Brandon Sanderson (the first three ending with The Hero of Ages) and the ending was mind blowing but so so well written.

      I’m going to start 100 Years of Solitude again

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I just started Preston and Child’s Gideon Crew series. I’ve been sitting on them for a while, but now I’m caught up on the Pendergast books. Though I haven’t got very far, they seem fun. I am getting kind of tired of James Bond-level protagonists who literally know everything. (Pendergast is a special case.)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I want to start on Gideon Crew, also, but I’ve had several people tell me they didn’t care for them. BUT that comes after reading all the Pendgergast novels and those are a pretty tough act to follow, in my opinion. I haven’t read the Obsidian Chamber yet; however, it’s on my list to do so soon. I’m actually trying to wait until I have my surgery in February so I can have something juicy to dig in to.

    5. SophieChotek*

      Just picked up the first book of the Maggie Hope WWII mystery series – “Mr. Churchill’s Secretary” is the first book I think.

    6. Oryx*

      I”m reading an Advanced Reader Copy (benefit to my job) of a non-fiction book about Jonestown. It’s incredibly well written and very engrossing.

    7. GiantPanda*

      Frank Herbert “Dune”. I have joined a reading challenge where you read SF/F/H books published from 1950 to 1999, one or two per year, in order. The 1960s part ends in three weeks, and I am only in 1965…

    8. Claire (Scotland)*

      “The Name of the Wind” by Patrick Rothfuss. I’ve been meaning to read it for ages, but the recent news that Lin-Manuel Miranda will produce a movie and TV series based on the Kingkiller Chronicle series (of which this is the first book) got me to finally start it.

      1. Cruciatus*

        Oh my God, Claire….I literally almost wrote the exact same thing, just about verbatim! I just started reading it earlier this week. Someone told me about it years ago and I downloaded the sample on my Kindle then forgot about it. Then I see LMM is going to do something with it and *NOW* I’m all “gotta read it!!” I’m less than 100 pages in but I like it so far.

        1. Claire (Scotland)*

          Hee! LMM has a lot to answer for. I’m about halfway through and really enjoying it, especially some of what it’s doing with the idea of storytelling.

    9. New Bee*

      “The Mothers” finally came in for me at the library, and I am about 80% of the way through. It was worth the wait!

    10. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I finally started Zadie Smith’s new book, Swing Time. I’m mostly enjoying it so far, but I’ve been so sleepy this week, I have some trouble focusing. I just finished Ann Patchett’s Commonwealth, which I liked a lot.

      At my new company’s holiday party, I learned that the night always closes with a small group of employees and spouses (all women) trading book titles and talking about what they’re reading. I work with people who read!!! This is a revelation.

    11. acmx*

      I tried the Three-Body Problem and didn’t get far unfortunately. Might give it a shot again. Tangentially, my new library seems to have a really good selection (I did check out the TTBP from my former library).

      Currently reading The Graveyard Apartment by Mariko Koike.

      1. katamia*

        Yeah, it’s really slow and kind of bounces around a bit, so I could see it being hard to get into. I like slow, though, and I was really interested in the setup/world, plus I read a lot about 20th century Chinese history anyway, so I was interested from that angle.

    12. MsChanandlerBong*

      Just read the first book in the Taylor Jackson detective series and really liked it. I am hoping the next few books go on sale around Christmas so I can stock up with the Amazon gift card my mom is getting me. I know they usually do a Kindle book sale for people who just got new devices for the holiday.

    13. Jen RO*

      I’m reading City of Mirrors by Justin Cronin, which is book 3 of a series. Unfortunately, the first book was the best, and I feel like this one is the weakest. I’m going to finish, but it’s going slow.

      I also recently finished the City Watch series audiobooks and, after a few days of thinking about it, I’m going to move to the Witches series now. Pratchett makes my commute much easier.

    14. Gene*

      I just finished The Three-Body Problem and didn’t know it was the first book of a trilogy. So the next two are on my Christmas list.

      I just started the first book of George R. R. Martin’s Wild Cards series. Since it’s currently 23 books, that will keep me occupied for a while…

      1. katamia*

        LOL, that’s exactly what happened to me with The Three-Body Problem, except that I read it for the first time maybe a year and a half ago before the others were available.

        I’ve been intrigued by the Wild Cards books, but I don’t think my library has most of them, so I havent tried them yet.

  29. Gaia*

    I have a holiday party to go to tonight and I got this amazing dress for it that looks great (which is a rare treat!)

    The bad news? I cannot zip up the last two inches. Not because it won’t close but because I Can Not Reach The Zipper.
    Any advise? Commiseration?

    1. Allypopx*

      My life! If you have a wire coat hanger and it’s not too sticky a zipper you can hook it into the eye of the zipper and tug it up that way.

      Or wear a jacket/shawl and have a friend quickly zip it for you when you get there.

    2. Bobbie*

      Put a long loop of string through the zip pull (assuming it has a hole). Pull the zip up, then cut the string.

      This doesn’t help you get back out of the dress, however.

      1. SophieChotek*

        Yes, I’ve done things like this.
        I have a blak dress like this and…it’s got just enough stretch to it that I can put it over my head almost like a Turtle neck (so it’s zipped) and then pull it down the other way. It’s a little weird, but it’s worked.

      2. Blue_eyes*

        I’ve done this before. I just hold both ends of the string and don’t tie it off, once the zipper is up, you can just pull one end to get the string out.

        Once in college I had to go knocking on doors to find another woman to help me out of a dress because I got back to my room and all 3 of my roommates were out.

    3. fposte*

      Is it a back zipper or a side zipper? Is there a hook closure on top of the zipper?

      If it’s a side zipper and there’s a hook closure, the secret is that you can close the hook *before* you put the dress on–just leave the zipper open. The hook will keep the sides together so you can pull without having to squeeze.

      If it’s a back zipper and you can get to the hook closure from the top (elbows above shoulders rather than below), that will similarly help. It took me a long time to realize that that was the point of those things!

      1. Gaia*

        It is a back zipper and there is a closure but that isn’t the problem. The trouble is the zipper ends right between my shoulder blades and no matter how I twist my arms my hands just do not reach! I may just need to awkwardly ask a neighbor for help…

        1. fposte*

          Sounds like the best for the moment. I also found that when yoga loosened up my shoulders, zipping stuff got easier, but that’s probably not doing to help you for tonight :-).

          1. Gaia*

            You know what, that actually makes sense though. I injured my shoulder this summer and for the life of me I seem to remember not having this much trouble last year and the dress zipper was in a similar place. I bet it is because my shoulder is tighter due to the injury.

            Well at least I feel better now.

    4. Marcela*

      A silly fix I’ve used is to attach a nice chain (from a necklace) to a security pin, the smallest ones that come with dresses sometimes, and used it to pull the zipper. Then I put it inside the dress. If for any reason it comes out, being a nice chain I’ve said it’s a new way to wear an extra piece of jewelry. But I’ve only done it in non white tie events.

    5. all aboard the anon train*

      I have no suggestions since I usually have to contort my body to zip it up or I wear a coat and ask a friend to zip me up when I get to the party/event, but I just want to complain about all the designers who make dresses with back zippers that go up to the neck or shoulder blades. DON’T THEY REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS TO ZIP THOSE UP YOURSELF.

      Sometimes female fashion sucks. I’m always pleased when I find dresses that don’t have troublesome back zippers.

  30. KatieKate*

    I just bought the most amaaaaaazing dress for my work holiday party tonight.

    BUT! My face is also completely broken out :( I’m in my mid 20s–at what point am I done with full face acne?

    1. Allypopx*

      For a lot of people it never really goes away, or doesn’t go away until you’re a lot older :\ Burt’s Bees has a really good acne spot treatment that I use even if it’s a larger breakout, just applying it to each spot individually. You could talk to a dermatologists about daily treatments, though be forewarned they tend to dry out your skin so you should also invest in a good moisturizer. Also, I found that when I went on hormonal birth control to treat my migraines it also helped clear my skin up quite a bit (but I’m definitely also more prone to acne while my hormones are fluctuating, not everyone works that way).

      Or just invest in a good foundation for nice events like this! On the day-to-day my acne doesn’t bother me a ton, especially since I’ve been around a wider range of adult ages and noticed how common it remains throughout life.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I sympathize. A LOT. I’m in my late 30s and I still break out, though these days, it’s mostly that massive cystic zits pop up all over my face in some sort of evil rotation. Nothing has ever worked long-term for me– once I find a solution, my hormones shift around and I find another one. Right now, my skin looks really good and it has since I started using this facial soap that a friend made. She stopped selling it when she got pregnant last year, which sucks, otherwise I would spread the word everywhere.

      Anyway. Some tips (which you have probably heard before): drink lots of water, try not to touch your face, wash your sheets/pillowcases regularly (change them at least once a week). If you have oily hands, like I do, wear cotton gloves when you sleep. And if you get a big, giant cystic zit right before a big event? Find out if your dermatologist will do a same-day steroid shot. That will reduce that effer until after the event.

      Look at it this way: the oil in your skin that gives you zits also keeps away the wrinkles. Granted, I have dry patches and I moisturize daily, but I don’t even have crow’s feet. When I was in my early 20s, like you, I looked older than my years. Now that I’m nearing 40, most people don’t believe that I’m older than 32 or so. Also, no one ever thinks your skin is as bad as you think it is (overly critical mothers notwithstanding). So go rock that dress and have an AMAZING time!

    3. copy run start*

      What worked for me was finding a good face wash and moisturizer. I still get zits and have red patches, but more like 1-2 at a time instead of patches of them. My face was overproducing oil because it was dry, but getting a good moisturizer and a non-drying face wash on board has helped a ton.

      I use Neutrogena Ultra Gentle Hydrating Cleanser 2x a day and Vaseline (though I prefer this super creamy lotion formula that doesn’t make your face sticky) at night. I also rotate/change the pillow case a few times a week, make sure I’m using a fresh towel, etc.

      1. copy run start*

        Adding: the biggest change I did that helped my acne was stopping acne cream. Turns out acne creams were irritating my face and priming the area for more acne. This isn’t true for everyone, but it may be worth a shot!

    4. matcha123*

      I have used DHC with pretty good results. I’d recommend their 3-step treatment. It took about a month or two for the results to become apparent, but once I got into using it, I really only get a handful of pimples at a certain time of the month and almost always in the same spots.

    5. Natalie*

      Yeah, I hate to say it, but possibly never. I’m in my 30s and still get acne. I did have good luck switching up products based on the recommendations at Paula’s Choice, so if you feel like maybe reexamining the stuff you use they’re a good resource. (They have their own line, but they also recommend drug store brands.)

  31. Chocolate Teapot*

    Had an odd experience in a hotel recently, which I thought I would share. It is a small guesthouse type establishment and breakfast is a buffet with a platter of cold meat and cheese and various other things. As I was deciding which ones to choose to make breakfast sandwiches with, a man came past with a tray of dirty crockery (you are requested to clear the tables). On his plate were 2 slices of cheese which he proceeded to put back on the platter, cheerfully announcing “I haven’t touched them”.

    Needless to say, neither did I.

    2. Chilleh*

      Oh yikes. There’s something to be said about not leaving anything to waste, but come on, random cheeseman.

    3. An Honest Mouse*

      Would’ve been kind of you, but certainly not required, to just throw them (and anything they touched) away for the sake of other guests.

    4. Anon Accountant*

      Wow. Yeah I’d have thrown them out for the sake of everyone else who wouldn’t have known what he did. How gross

    5. Lily Evans*

      I’ve had people make fun of me for not trusting self-serve buffets, but things like this just prove my point!

      1. acmx*

        Buffets should be my unpopular opinion (for the earlier thread). I don’t like exposed food. I’ve seen kids put their mouths on the spigot for the free ice cream at Jason’s Deli etc.

        1. nep*

          +1 — Don’t like exposed food. Won’t do the salad bars or anything anymore.
          Along these lines, I don’t eat in restaurants at all for the same reason — I don’t know what exactly has happened with that food before it got to my plate.

      2. Dynamic Beige*

        I had a friend in high school who worked at a grocery store. This store had a bulk foods section and her station was near it. I will never buy olives in bulk because she said that she saw kids take one thinking it was candy, spit it out and put it back. Blech.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I think I was speechless. Still, the lady in charge of breakfast (and the rather ferocious slicing machine) arranges the meat and cheese in such a way that you can tell when the slices have been tampered with. In the end, I pushed the “used” cheese into a mangled pile at the side of the platter so nobody in their right mind would take it.

    1. acmx*

      Ha! I just talked to my father who has one and was on the way to get another for a gift. So, I guess it could possibly be great.

      I meant to look this thing up to see what it’s about. Off to check it out…

    2. SophieChotek*

      I don’t. But a friend just did this comparison shop and it sounds like they are quite returnable, if they don’t work out. Obviously you’ll have to double-check, but my friend partially went with one (actually I think there was a BOGO) because it was cheaper and had better return policy.

      My mom has two, but I have no idea what she think of them. She probably hasn’t used them.

    3. OhBehave*

      My husband and I both have MP’s. We LOVE them! His is firmer while mine is a medium fill. I used to sleep with three pillows. Now I only have the MP and a ‘cuddle’ pillow. My hubby got rid of several pillows and uses the MP exclusively. I really do notice a difference in support. It’s supportive without being too hard.

      There are some really great deals out there for them. We got ours at Bed, Bath and Beyond early this year.

    4. Sami*

      I LOVE mine! I used to use three pillows all propped up in every which way, but now only use MP. Definitely recommend it.
      I bought mine through QVC using Easy-Pay.

  33. Soupspoon McGee*

    When I refinanced my mortgage earlier this year, my mortgage guy told me I was paying way, way too much in homeowner’s insurance (and auto too). While I’ve liked my current company, they weren’t much help reducing rates and insist I have the maximum discounts, blah blah blah. Since my policy is due to renew next month, I’m looking for a new insurer for home and car. So, what companies or brokers would you recommend? I’m in the US, in the Northwest, if that matters.

    1. Ms Ida*

      Also in the NW and currently have Country Financial for home owners Insuarance. We saved a lot switching from State Farm but it has been several years since we last compared.

    2. SophieChotek*

      Well is it Liberty Mutual that almost always says they’ll replace your car for a model a year newer and 15,000 fewer miles? (I think after the first year, you have to pay an extra $50/year for that feature, but depending on mileage/make of vehicle, could be worth it.) They had home insurance plan too.
      I called them and got a quote — their car insurance was less than my old car insurance, but their house insurance was about the same. so I ended up staying with Farmers. (It sounded like less work than switching insurances again. It ended up being almost the same price.) When I was a renter I had a renter’s insurance through Travllers (?; I recall an umbrella logo) and that insurance was quite high (IMO) but I think it was the only company (at the time) that covered where I lived, etc.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Traveler’s cut my insurance bill in half this year. I have my car and my house through them. Plus they have road side assistance. I have to check that out.

    4. rubyrose*

      If you have a Costco membership, check that out. I just went through an evaluation, comparing their offer against my current insurance. I’m going to save around $400 a year by changing.

  34. Chilleh*

    Has anyone tried AmazonFresh and have any opinions about it? I have to be a bit picky about my food due to celiac disease, and sometimes that means traveling to a bunch of different stores. It’d be kind of nice to be able to cut down on trips, but not sure if there are any loopholes (besides the 15.00 a month) to look out for. Do they drop it off at the door and leave, or do they deliver it and you give a tip? Asking that as a non-cash carrying person.

  35. Graciosa*

    Has anyone else noticed the lack of winter accessories on the Alison icon? I kind of miss them, and I’ve been wondering if they’re going to make an appearance this year.

      1. Gaia*

        This is how you catch colds, Alison, when you don’t put on your scarf until mid December!

        I am glad to see the return though. I was thinking about it the other day. It is a weird thing to notice but it is like a little tradition.

        1. zora*

          Me too! I was totally thinking about it last week and it made me smile when I saw it just now, love the tradition!

  36. fposte*

    I report that I finally did buy a mattress, and after spending several weeks with it I am very pleased and it’s definitely helping my back. It’s a latex/coil hybrid from a regional mattressmaker where they’re made onsite at the store and where they’ll adjust them for you if you like. It’s very firm but not hard, in some mystical way, and it’s weird to realize how much I was putting up with from my old mattress!

    Theoretically I’m supposed to flip it after 6 months; I’m going to have to bring in the troops for that, because the thing weighs a kajillion pounds.

    1. Mints*

      Oh I didn’t know this was supposed to happen so frequently (I also forgot this was a thing at all tbh.) I’ve had my mattress a year and never flipped or rotated it hmm

      1. fposte*

        What they told me is that it will help spread the wear and compression around; I think the idea us that your weightiest bit (pelvis, often) is only in the same spot for three months out of the year rather than twelve. They said it doesn’t matter so much after the first year or two (presumably because it’s compressed at that point).

        They do sell mattresses that are designed not to need flipping; however, they’re generally not supposed to be as good.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I have one that can’t be flipped and after 8 years I hate it. I have a big indent on each side and all we can do is turn it, which basically means that my ass print is now laying in his ass print (we’re both the same height) and vice versa. It’s especially annoying because my back has really been killing me and I feel like the mattress is part of the problem, and I can’t get relief or extended use of the mattress because it can’t be flipped. Next time I’m probably springing for a Sleep Number bed.

    2. Ayla K*

      Is it only every 6 months? I got in the habit of flipping it every time I wash the sheets, but if I can give my biceps a rest, 6 months seems great.

      1. fposte*

        They said the ideal is four but six will do. You are probably in some mattress hall if fame somewhere.

    3. Come On Eileen*

      Remind me, did you investigate or consider Purple Mattresses? That’s the one I’ve been eyeing.

      1. fposte*

        They were in the group I looked at online. The main thing that made me think they might not be for me (or not enough for me to put up with trying one in-house) was that their copy makes a big deal about the mattress giving enough at shoulders and hips to keep pressure even (I went back and looked at the site, and they’ve got a video demonstrating this), and I need serious stability under my hips more than I need even pressure. I mean, I basically need resilient flooring with something soft on it–I did literally sleep on the floor for a month following my back surgery.

        So that was a personal call rather than an overall diss of the product. The other thing is that I immediately really, really liked the mattress I tried at the factory, and while it was pricier than any of the by-mail models, I could get something I liked *now* and have a local company that would stand behind it, so I decided just to pull the trigger.

        I might try a Purple pillow, though, and I’d love to hear what you think if you try one.

    4. Dynamic Beige*

      I have a Tempur-pedic and I don’t flip it as much as I should because it weighs a *lot*. That’s the one thing they don’t suggest you do when you mattress shop, see if you can manage to turn it. Oh, lie down and try it out as long as you want! Isn’t it comfortable? But no one ever thinks to see if they can lift it, myself included.

  38. Allypopx*

    If people like their rum balls extra chocolatey you can use chocolate graham crackers instead of vanilla wafers, though it does change the texture slightly (though I’d argue not unpleasantly)! Vanilla wafers are of course the classic.

    1. Girasol*

      I remember that recipe, the one with vanilla cookie or graham crumbs, although now I want to try Alison’s. But I suspect that if you used corn syrup, cocoa, good quality liquor, and well-ground sawdust they’d still go over big.

  39. Courtney*

    I need dating help. I’ve tried online dating over the last 5-6 years and it hasn’t worked out. Eharmony and Match were total duds.

    I’m 33 and live 60 miles from a large city with professional sports teams and more culture. There are few meet ups around here, it just hasn’t gained much popularity here. Interests are running, biking, bowling, watching sports, and movies. I’d like to try skiing and maybe tennis.

    I’ve let friends know I’m open to being introduced to nice single men also. Any tips are greatly appreciated.

      1. Courtney*

        No. It seems like an extension of online dating and I’m done with that for a long time. I’ve got enough bad experiences that several actually had my therapist face palming and saying “shit that was awful”. When I was younger I had better luck meeting in person and thinknthat may work better.

    2. self employed*

      Become a “regular” at a nice coffee shop or two. You can strike up convos with people pretty naturally. Any running groups? Maybe join a Saturday class in nearby city if you’re willing to date someone who lives there.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      I’m 31 and I’ve had to start making the first move. Decent guys don’t stay single for very long (while it seems like lots of great women are single for long stretches) and to be frank, many of them end up with women who scrambled or did things that dating columnists would consider undignified. You can’t sit back and wait for guys to notice you.

    4. Dan*

      So… is moving closer to the city in the cards? I live 15 miles outside of DC, and feel like it’s even hard for me to date people closer to the city. (My apartment is a 40 minute ride from downtown DC, although I live a mile from the subway station.) And I’m just as guilty — I look at people further out than me and think, “Gee, dating them has got to be tough.” I recognize the hypocrisy here, but I do go into the city quite a bit and have no problem doing so for a date. In fact, I *like* going into the city. So, if I date people further out than me, it can be hard to get into the city after work.

      I guess what I’m saying is I’m wondering how much of your social preferences are oriented toward the city, and how open you would be to moving closer. But I’ll also offer my commiseration, it’s not the easiest.

  40. NASA*

    This is a post about a gift…and ultimately how disappointed I am in my BIL.

    Let me start off by saying I don’t care for Christmas/Holidays a lot of the time…If and when I have kids, I’ll really up the ante for them but right now I just see too much crap associated with it. Cute coffee cups (yay!), people being upset over said coffee cups (WTF). Kids visiting Santa (yay!), parents freaking out over why one Santa is black (WTF). I mean, every year it seems to be getting worse and worse and there is so much pressure around getting the perfect gift and spending time with family (that you may love or dislike or whatever).

    I digress. The point of this post is about a gift I was supposed to receive so I just wanted to share it with y’all along with a little bit of background on how I ^shoulder shrug^ this whole thing.

    My BIL, with whom I get along with very well, and I have a $50 Christmas gift limit. He told me he wanted X, and I told him I wanted Y. My dear, dear BIL is lazy AF so 10 days ago I sent him a picture, gave him the link, specified the size and color of what I wanted. I also gave him a $10 off coupon + free shipping for the store. All he had to do was order the damn thing. I told him said gift was already on backorder but I didn’t care, just order it. He got upset and said “but you won’t get to open it for Christmas!” Again, IIIIII Dooooon’t Caaaaaaaare.

    Fast forward to yesterday and he texts me that he tried to order the gift just then but it was now sold out.

    1. I sent you this sh!t ten days ago. I gave you a coupon. I told you it was popular and to order it ASAP.
    2. YOU made the big deal out of Christmas. I can buy my own gifts. Treat yo self.
    3. The same night of the text I came home late from a 5 day business trip and all I asked him to do was pick up the mail.
    3a. You guessed it, the mail was overflowing. Had not been picked up. My husband had a very important letter that he was awaiting. Still didn’t matter to BIL.
    4. At the end of the day, this is not about the gift…it’s just another thing in the never ending list of crap that disappoints me about my BIL.

    I know laziness dose not equal depression, but BIL just does not care…about anything…. It bums me out.
    /vent

    1. Menacia*

      Unfortunately, you can’t change your BIL, you can only change your expectations of him. Definitely do not ever depend on him for anything important again. Fool me once, shame on you, food me twice, shame on me.

  41. SophieChotek*

    Thanks to all for the comments about my back pain–will be coming back to that thread for my own reference.
    I did take the pillow suggestions. I can’t decide if it’s helping or not.
    I am using a somewhat flatter pillow (i.e. it’s not one of those really fat foam pillows).
    I have it under my back, ending right at my lower back.
    It actually kind of hurts so sleep on it. (Maybe because it’s forcing my back into a better shape?)
    But weirdly enough during the day, the dull ache in my lower back does seem better.
    Don’t know.

    1. duck is right*

      I have used small flat pillows this way, too. Does seem to help but can be uncomfortable. You might want to consider making a “pillow” that fits you. Go to a craft store and get stuffing and work out a thickness and size that works for you.

    2. Wandering not lost*

      What about a shikibuton (also called a shikifuton)? It sounds counterintuitive, but these floor “mattresses” are supposed to be good for back pain sufferers. Not to be confused with the “futon” beds once popular in the states, these are foldable cushions placed directly on the floor (or tatami mat). I’ll have the chance to try one soon, and I’m excited to see if I prefer it to a thick mattress.

  42. Tris Prior*

    Oh man, I wish I had seen the recommendation to double the rum before I made rum balls a few days ago. I lost my grandma’s recipe card for them, so googled for a similar one. I know they need to age for a while but I tried one and can barely taste the booze at all.

  43. TheLazyB*

    So I was at a funeral this week. I was brought up Catholic but haven’t identified as such for a looong time. The funeral was a full catholic service.

    I stood/sat at appropriate times (didn’t kneel purely because no one around me knelt, I think they all have dodgy knees!) and said all the responses, but it felt REALLY WEIRD to do so. I didn’t receive communion, that would have been taking things too far. Now I’m posting I think not saying the responses etc would have been weirder and felt like I wasn’t participating but it felt really wrong to be saying words I just don’t believe in any more.

    I don’t have a question so much as wondering what people’s thoughts are, I guess.

    Also it really made me think I should plan what I want for my own funeral so I don’t inadvertantly end up with a religious one should my DH and I both be killed in an accident :(

    1. LizB*

      When I go to services of a different religious background, I tend to stand and sit at appropriate times (I don’t kneel because it’s against my religious beliefs) and say as much as I feel jibes with what I believe. I’ll sometimes leave out some words from a phrase, or just listen attentively, if I don’t feel the prayer is something I’m comfortable saying. I will absolutely not take communion.

      With that said, I think everyone really has their own comfort zone with this kind of thing. Each of us has had our own childhood history and evolution of belief, plus a current set or lack of beliefs, and going to a service we’re not familiar with can push all sorts of weird buttons we weren’t expecting. I’m not surprised that none of the options you could think of really felt right to you. You just kind of have to do your best and decide in the moment.

      1. TheLazyB*

        Thanks… that helps. Next time :( I’ll maybe do some of the leaving out bits that feel really wrong.

    2. Sibley*

      I do what everyone else is doing to the best of my ability. I’ll also ask about dress code, and if women are supposed to cover their heads or anything I’ll do my best. It’s not about my beliefs, its about showing respect for theirs.

      But yes, making a plan and spelling out exactly what you want/do not want is a good idea. I’m guessing it would make things a LOT easier for the people arranging the event if they had a step by step guide.

      1. TheLazyB*

        Dress code, I’m not going to rant about that but I’d just like to say ARGH. Funeral clothes, what a minefield.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      I don’t think other people notice too much. Full Catholic services are pretty intense, and people in attendance are surely aware that there are people of other religions and flavors of Christianity in the room.

      1. TheLazyB*

        Haha yeah usually that would be the case but I was sitting between my mother and my aunt, who incidentally were the only people on our row (consisting purely of family members) who did receive communion. If my DH or sisters had been there I wouldn’t have felt so…. obvious.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        The Catholic churches I have been in there does not seem to be too much awareness of anything, so I would not worry about not speaking/singing or anything else.

        I grew up in a Catholic church and it was fairly normal for people to stand quietly until the song was over or to sit quietly until the response was over. I am not sure if they did not know what to do, or what their reason was. These were regular church goers.

    4. AcidMeFlux*

      I’m actually dealing with this now, having just been diagnosed with cancer with an uncertain prognosis. I’m nearly 60 so it’s no huge surprise, but I guess I’ve been putting stuff off. I definitely want to make sure that evil exboss narcisisst with the dodgy checkbook doesn’t show up to swan around, and no life-affirming spiritual twaddly poo speeches. About all I’ve decided on is that I’ll be cremated, and that as my plain pine casket heads for the flames, the music will come up, blasting “HUNKAHUNKA BURNIN’ LOVE”. (Sorry, but as I’ve said before, I am awful that way.)

      1. TheLazyB*

        Ha! I quite fancy one of those cardboard coffins. Also music that will either make people laugh or cry I’m all for. I don’t want anyone to keep my ashes or even scatter them really, though if whoever survives me wants to then I don’t care enough to stop them.

        Also (speaking of life affirming twaddly poo shit) what’s with sympathy cards??? I usually don’t know how people are coping while selecting and writing a card, I certainly don’t want to say ‘hope your religion is a comfort’ in case they are currently raging at god or ‘I hope your memories bring comfort’ in case they… don’t. I just want ‘I’m so sorry, I’m thinking of you, death sucks’. All the cards I could find pissed me off.

        I’m going to write letters to my cousins. It’s not fair that they have to go through this :(

        1. chickabiddy*

          This is really a very trivial comment on what is a serious subject, but I always have a stash of Trader Joe’s get-well and sympathy cards. They tend to be generic and neutral enough (but still attractive) for people whom I don’t know well enough to know how they are coping or what they would like. Plus they are only $0.99 each.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I hope you have a good outcome. *HUG*

        I thought about it too, since there is nobody to take care of it (dear universe please get off your ass already; I’m out of ideas), although I don’t really care what happens to my stuff (none of which is worth anything). I thought if I can’t think of anything else, I’ll put money aside to have myself shipped to the Body Farm. Then forensic students can study me as I decay, and my bones can go into the collection. I like science so yay. :)

      3. DragoCucina*

        I’m sorry that you’re facing this. You should have the funeral/memorial/celebration of life as you want it. I made it clear 30+ years ago to my new husband that I wanted A, B, and C. My sons also know I will haunt them if they spend more on my urn than the wine. I do like the Trappist Caskets. Simple, made from sustainable wood.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I am leaning toward a “celebration of a life”. While I do go to church, I believe that people have enough crap to deal with and they should not have to wallow in sadness. Sit around talk about the good stuff, eat some food, go home.

      In the end though, we can’t really tell other people how to grieve. I think all we can do is encourage them that we don’t want a bunch of drawn out drama stuff.

      You can plan your funeral and prepay for it. At that point you could spell out your exact wishes.

    6. Dot Warner*

      I’m Catholic, and I don’t pay much attention to whether anybody else is kneeling or saying the words at Mass. I’m not there to people-watch, you know? :) Especially at something like a funeral, where there are likely to be friends/family of the deceased who aren’t Catholic, I doubt anybody minds if somebody else is not saying the responses. Do whatever you’re most comfortable with, and I’m sorry for your loss.

    7. Emma*

      I go to various religious services with friends and family. I try to keep in mind one simple thing: most people don’t notice what you do or say as long as you are being respectful. Especially what you say – very rarely have I been in a service where I could hear for certain what specific people were or weren’t saying unless they were right next to me, and most places I’ve been have no problem with folks being respectfully silent – many people I know take that as a sign you might be praying internally or something.

      Also, many places, esp. larger ones or more popular denominations, know they might have guests who either don’t know the ins and outs of the service or aren’t comfortable fully participating, and most places are cool with that. They just care whether or not you’re paying respectful attention or zoning out/chatting with your friend/playing on your phone in service.

    8. nep*

      This came up for me after a couple recent very religious funerals of family and friends.
      (AAMers exchanged about it on here a while back.)
      I started to wonder whether my ‘send-off’ should be about what I want or what the family members I leave behind want. (I went to Catholic grade school — funerals in my family are generally Catholic masses.) Decided it would be pretty ridiculous for anyone to do a funeral mass for me.
      I’ve put it in writing that I want to be cremated and if family wants any kind of ‘service’ it should just be at the funeral home — simple, secular. (And I’ve selected the music — more in honour of those musicians and how much they’ve meant in my life than anything else.)

    9. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

      For me I’m usually silent. I tend to the belief that it’s more respectful to be silent than to say things I don’t necessarily believe.

  44. LizB*

    I mentioned this briefly in yesterday’s open thread, but my boyfriend’s brother died unexpectedly in a traffic accident this week. Brother was Boyfriend’s only sibling, and they were very close. He was 22.

    It’s been a really, really hard week. Just, impossible. I rarely see Boyfriend upset, since he’s pretty resilient to most everyday obstacles, and he is absolutely devastated. He’s trying to put a brave face on, but I see right through it — it’s like there are waves of pain radiating off him. We’ve been cuddling a lot, I’ve been doing all the dishes and the litter box, we spent some time with his aunt and I cajoled him into looking at old family photos and telling me stories about them, but there’s just… nothing I can really do. I could pour every speck of energy I have into comforting him, and he would appreciate it, and still it wouldn’t even touch what he’s feeling. I was still trying to brainstorm Christmas presents for him before this happened, and now everything I can think of just seems pointless because the only thing he wants is his brother back. It hurts me so bad to see him like this. At least I convinced him not to go in to work on Thursday, and that yes, he should fly home to be with his parents for a few days even though the memorial service won’t be for a while. But I have no idea how to do this.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’m so sorry for your loss– for both of you. I think there’s not much you can actually do, to be honest. Be supportive when he needs you to be, leave him alone if he needs that. Just let him grieve, is all. It’s so hard to be there without doing something (if you’re the type of person who likes to be useful, as I am), but you’re doing just fine, I promise. Continue to do the house stuff and anything else that you can take off his plate (bill-paying? Organizing? Laundry?) but otherwise, just be there.

      In your place, I would also encourage him to let go of that “brave face” at home. No one should expect him to be brave through all of this.

      1. anon attorney*

        I was very recently bereaved and while we are all different, one thing I really appreciate from those around me is the space to just experience the loss and pain without feeling that I have to appear to feel better so the other person will be less concerned about me. It drains me to be with people who want to fix my pain. It’s not possible to do that and I just need you to hold the space for me and be kind but non intrusive. Doing practical stuff is also great as this is exhausting. Sounds like you’re doing great and sorry for your loss.

        1. LizB*

          Thank you. I’m definitely trying to give him space, because I don’t want him trying to rush the grieving process just so I’ll stop worrying about him. Thank you for the reminder of how important that is, and I’m sorry for your loss as well.

      2. LizB*

        Thank you. It is really hard to be here and not do anything — I went out shopping this morning so I wouldn’t just be hovering over him looking worried. It’s extra hard for me because, being Jewish, my instinctive response to a death is “invite everyone I’ve ever met over to my house to comfort me,” which seems very weird to him. I’m having one friend visit us briefly tomorrow, which I think will be a good compromise because he likes her a lot, but she’s closer with me, so if he decides in the moment that he doesn’t want company she and I can easily do our own thing.

        I’m definitely encouraging him to drop the brave face at home, with mixed results. He keeps saying that things can’t just stop, he has to keep doing the things he needs to do, his parents are going through worse so he needs to help them manage things… but I hope it’s finally sinking in that it’s okay to not be able to keep it together when he’s just at home with me.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Oh, I completely understand! One of the things I appreciate most about Jewish customs is the mourning process– it gives us a prescribed series of things to DO so we’re not left wondering, as you are. But again, just keep on being there.

    2. TheLazyB*

      That is awful! I am so so sorry.

      I echo just letting him grieve and be overwhelmed with grief, because it is overwhelming.

    3. nep*

      So sorry for your boyfriend’s loss and the pain you’re both experiencing.
      As so many have already said, really just love him and give him all the space and time he needs to grieve, in whatever way he needs to.
      Peace

    4. Anono-me*

      I am sorry for your and your boyfriend’s loss.

      I agree with the previous posters that a safe space to grieve is the most important thing you can give him.

      Quietly and VERY VERY briefly letting your boyfriend know that you know what a loss to the family and the larger community his brother’s passing is and that you also are feeling that loss may be of comfort to your boyfriend.

      Also, do what you can to pick up the day to day details. Keep necessities (including easy to eat food like power bars and apples) in his cupboard, gas in the tank of his car, gloves in his coat pocket. Make sure library books get returned. Depending on your relationship, keep track of his bills. Etc.

  45. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Does anyone have a theory for why there feels like more of a struggle to learn “adulting” now than in generations past? Or maybe it’s always been this way and there just wasn’t a name for it until recently? I feel like I’m a very self-sufficent person, but there are also basic things about running a household that I never absorbed, and which I now need to seek out instructions for on the internet … whereas in past generations you might have absorbed it growing up. For me, it’s all stuff related to domesticity — how to deal with your pipes in winter, how to sew a hem without it looking terrible, how to clean shower caulk, how to fold a fitted sheet so it doesn’t look like gnomes live inside it, etc.

    My theory is that this might have to do with changing gender roles — that when some of this was clearly going to be a girl’s job when she grew up, her mother taught it to her. And also that once more women started working outside the home, a lot of that knowledge transfer was lost.

    All I know is that I feel like everyone I know around my age is much less competent at this stuff than I remember our parents and their friends being. Thoughts?

    1. Jenbug*

      I think people talk more openly about the things they don’t know. Instead of calling up mom or dad and asking them “how do I do X” they post it on FB or twitter for their hundreds of friends (or the general public) to answer.

      When I had my first apartment, I used to call my mom and ask her stupid cooking things ALL the time but that was before the advent of social media.

      1. hermit crab*

        Yeah, I think this is big. My grandma died a couple of years ago at 93, but up until the end of her life she was fielding phone calls from my mom, asking her advice on how to do this or that. Whereas if I need to know something, I usually search online first, and a lot of people I know go straight to social media.

      2. Al Lo*

        I remember my mom being the “on-call mom” my first Thanksgiving in dorms… for my floormates’ turkey questions. I lived in (apartment-style, with full kitchens, hence the turkey dinner) res about 45 minutes away from my parents’, so I was actually going home for dinner, but my floormates were cooking turkey and had a question, so I immediately offered my mom’s services. She spent part of Thanksgiving morning on the phone with them, getting them set.

    2. self employed*

      How DO you clean shower caulk?!

      More middle-class wealth and two-parents-working households over the generations = outsourcing tasks like repairs? I think there is also a general move towards office-type jobs rather than fix-it types, so people have more skills that aren’t applicable in the home. And many things (like cars) are increasingly computerized, so you can’t mess around with your engine in the driveway with your kid.

      1. hermit crab*

        My method for caulk is: spritz with vinegar, let it sit for a little bit, then use the scrubby side of a sponge. Or use one of those Magic Eraser thingies.

        1. fposte*

          Huh. I’ll have to try that–I assumed it was coming from behind the caulk and that I’d have to recaulk, but it looks easy enough to try this first.

          1. hermit crab*

            Oh yeah, there’s definitely a time when you just have to replace it. My method is mostly applicable to a “just moved into a new apartment that was apparently never cleaned once by the previous tenants” situation. At the same time, though, don’t underestimate the power of a Magic Eraser!

      2. Julie*

        My method is do what I can, after a couple years get angry and rip it all out and redo it. Apparently I am better at DIY type things than cleaning. A perfect example is how my fridge stopped cooling but my freezer still is. Came in with tools and google, estimated my freezer’s fan motor stopped working, ordered the part, put it back together to wait for it to arrive via Prime and realized I’ve ripped apart half my fridge but apparently never dusted on top. Such is life.

      3. Red*

        I use a toothbrush (not the same one I use for my teeth!) and Comet. It’s probably harsh on the caulk, but caulk isn’t meant to be permanent anyway. I’ve also heard great things about Magic Erasers, but I can’t justify the expense when a year’s supply of Comet is a dollar.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      I think it has more to do with the vocabulary. When my parents were going through their 20s, 30s, and 40s, they were constantly learning new things about how to be an “adult” (and they told me tons of stories of mistakes they made to prevent me from doing the same things), but they would never refer to anything as “adulting.”

      They also have a few funny immigrant stories, like when they first go to NYC, were too poor to spend money on dates, and thought Madison Square Garden would be a nice garden to walk around.

    4. Confused Publisher*

      For me, personally, it definitely was about bucking gender roles that extended family tried harder than ever to foist on me the better I did at school/university/work.
      My father taught me to change a light bulb and unblock a toilet, but I can’t sew a button on a coat without it popping off two seconds later and I think your cats would probably fold a fitted sheet faster than me. To this day, I will do every single chore but refuse to iron because it brings back too many memories of watching aunts/married cousins ironing as if it was a competitive sport.
      If I could have afforded to feed myself without cooking when I left home, I doubt I would have ever learned; when I finally learned, I figured I might as well get good at it.

    5. SophieChotek*

      I agree/echo with what people have said already.

      Changing gender roles — both parents working outside the home. Also, as already mentioned, “outsourcing” things — calling a “professional” to fix some of those things.

      Also, possibly changing school expectations too? I know people my mom’s age don’t batt (sp?) an eye at hemming skirts and jeans. My grandmother sewed most of my mom’s clothes growing my up and my mom sews quilts, felts wool, knits scarves, hooks rugs, etc. The best I can do is sew on a button. I run screaming from my sewing machine…but I didn’t learn it from my mom. (In retrospect, I have no idea why she didn’t teach me. Maybe she bought clothes that fit me; the expectation of having to adjust clothes is less prevalent also?)

      I do think some of the other domestic tasks (like cooking) also are changing — due like people already said to changing roles, and both people working outside the home. Now it seems like many, many commenters here do cook and bake (so I am not trying go make generalizations at “young people today cannot cook or bake”), but honestly, among my friends (30s-40s), I know that I am one of the few among my friends that actually does a lot of baking and cooking. But if both partners are working; take-out etc or eating out is faster and even more variety. Also when I trained in Asia for my job, many people about my age rent small rooms — no way they could cook if they wanted to. they had to eat every meal out.

      I agree that a lot of the transfer of knowledge was lost. (as I recall, one food historian argue that a lot of this knowledge actually started to get lost with the rise of urban cities and people moving into the cities in search of jobs, etc. — that was the start of a lot of that lost knowledge — farming, canning, food preservation, etc.) Similarly rise ready-made garments that were cheaper than tailoring, led to loss of knowledge in sewing — before you learned to sew because having your dress tailored was too expensive; now you don’t learn to sew, because it’s cheaper and faster to buy clothes off the rack…

      Definitely agree with the car issue — self-employed — you can’t just change your own oil, etc. anymore. Too much computers; you almost have to know as much about computers as car parts nowadays.

    6. Sibley*

      I agree the gender norms, etc, but I think there’s another aspect as well. Parenting has changed. I was raised the “old fashioned way”, so I was expected to do chores from a young age. I was not happy about it and I didn’t do them without a fight, but I started learning these things early. A lot of my peers did not. Partially because they were off at whatever sport practice or something, but also because of this notion that childhood is precious and short, etc. Throw in helicopter parenting and it just gets worse.

      As a result, when I moved out at the age of 21, I was able to do the basics of just about everything. There was learning and experience that happened, but I had the basics. I knew how to cook, clean, do laundry, iron (hate it, and don’t much), do some repairs, etc. I knew how to make a doctor appt. I knew how to balance a checkbook, and pay bills. All these things are part of “adulting”.

      Now, there were and are mess-ups. You really learn that your kitchen cleaning is inadequate when you get ants for example. But I started learning 10-15 years earlier than so many people, so it was much less of a stretch to be a functional adult for me than for a lot of people my age (early 30s).

      I was also allowed and encouraged to be independent. Mommy and daddy didn’t solve all my problems, so I had to figure it out.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I was raised like that too and had the basics (and felt well ahead of a lot of my peers in my 20s) but I feel like there are definite holes in my knowledge when we move away from the basics. But maybe it’s true that that was always the case to some degree (perhaps a lesser one though) and people were calling their relatives for advice more than I realized.

      2. Engineer Girl*

        I have to agree with this. I learned to sew by age 5. I embroidered by age 6. I had to do chores every week. Dust, clean the bathroom, do laundry, iron. Spread manure (oh, I hated it!) Mow the lawn , wash windows etc.
        I was expected to walk home after kindergarten. I played in the woods and built tree forts. We explored and tri s out new things.
        I paid my way through school. It was pretty harsh, but by the time I graduated I could stand on my own two feet.
        I don’t see parents doing that anymore, and I think they are crippling their kids.
        The only way you learn to handle a problem is to work through it!

      3. Bad Candidate*

        I tend to agree with this. And I say this as someone who doesn’t have kids, so take it with a grain of salt, but I’m including myself in this. I think that since the mid 70s or so there’s been a shift in parenting from raising kids to preserving childhood. I had chores as a kid, but I wasn’t always taught how to do things, my parents just expected me to figure it out. And there were things I wasn’t taught because “I’m just a kid” so they didn’t expect me to do it. I suspect my parents thought that they’d have time to help out with some stuff as I became an adult, but my mom died when I was 18, so that threw a wrench in things.

    7. Elkay*

      I wonder if part of it comes from people being more mobile and not living near family so you don’t have someone who can come round and show you how to do things so when you first move out on your own a family member might come round and show you how to take care of your pipes (should I be doing something to my pipes?!) but if your first move across the country from home then there’s no-one there to do that.

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      I view it largely as one of the snowballing effects of the economy. We’re getting married and buying homes later. People who lived in rentals with their parents until 30 and then move into a rental with 2 friends are never going to be tasked with major household repairs; you call the landlord. People don’t bother to learn things like that when every living situation feels temporary and when you can’t afford the fixes anyway.

    9. Lore*

      Also, home economics classes used to be almost universal for girls, and shop of some kind for boys. In seventh grade, we got one elective split among cooking, sewing, wood shop, metal shop, and a “craft” for a few weeks (I took silk-screening) but that’s the only time any of those life skills were ever mentioned in my public education.

      I would also say my parents aren’t very good at any of those things, either. I think it also used to be comparatively cheaper to not just buy a home but buy home services, so maybe the stakes felt lower?

      My mom is a cooking teacher, so my brother and I both learned how to cook and shop, but: My mom is a terrible ironer to this day and can’t even sew on a button. I started doing all the family laundry in high school because my mom couldn’t deal with figuring out temperatures and non-machine-dryable clothing. My grandfather was an engineer and a woodworker, but the most complicated thing I can ever remember my dad doing is putting up three wall shelves (with my brother’s help), and he’s inordinately proud of them.

    10. Jen Erik*

      I’m wondering if one’s skill set is only so large. Like, for argument’s sake, say the average person has time to perfect 1 new skill a year. So a sixteen year old in 1956 learned to darn her stockings, where a sixteen year old in 2016 learns to take a good selfie.
      I couldn’t sew an outfit like my mother or mother-in-law, but I can travel more easily.
      And as society changes, different skills are prioritised – there is little use spending months learning to embroider when sewing machines can be programmed to do that for you, but it’s worth taking the time to learn how to email or Skype.

      (Except, truth be told, I don’t believe my own argument – I don’t feel like I’ve a different-but-equivalent skill set. I blame television: think of the long winter evenings I could have spent learning how to whittle.)

      1. Overeducated*

        I think maybe there’s something to that – but not so much time spent taking selfies (20 years ago, the equivalent was talking on the phone in your room, not darning socks) as time spent on school and extracurriculars. College is much more required than it used to be for your average American, and getting into college means spending time on your grades and your “resume” in high school, as well as holding actual jobs for many people. We might have teenagers spend a lot more time on intellectual work and activities for self-marketing than we used to.

      2. Temperance*

        I wonder if part of it is that we have different priorities, too. I know how to sew, but I don’t do it because I hate the look of homemade clothes. I can easily hem my own skirts and pants, but it’s worth it to me to outsource it because I think professionals do a far better job.

    11. Mazzy*

      Alison, remember all of those booklets and brochure and little how to guides they used to have all over, like at the check out at the grocery store? I think people used to get alot of their information from those before the internet. Even the paper version of Star and The Enquirer had alot of good how-to articles and 10 way to do X type articles before the internet took over that genre of writing.

    12. Mints*

      I agree with everybody – it’s probably a little of everything.

      (I’m in my mid 20s, female) My mom taught me a lot of basic skills that are gendered (sewing, cooking) but so did my dad with things that skew male (carpentry, cars maintenance). I think they both just thought “these are useful skills that Mints can do for free instead of paying somebody too much money.”

      Stuff related to house repair though, I never learned because both parents always rented. I still rent so this isn’t an actual problem, but interesting to note.

      I think some of this is related to urbanization and is older than it seems. I think some of this is related to familial support which has dwindled but is also probably more invisible today. (Nobody tweets @mom how do I sew button)

      Probably the biggest though, is gender norms and having two working adults outside of the home. Working in an office and outsourcing is the right choice a lot of the time.

    13. fposte*

      I have theories about this. Aside from what you’re saying about transitioning roles (and technology belongs in there too, I think) and of course the folly of comparing our insides to our parents’ outsides, we’re increasingly generalists. By the second, I mean there are fewer and fewer areas where we can say to ourselves, for gender or class reasons, “Well, I’ll never need to know that to function.” Even people who do domesticate are likely to be single longer, either before or after, and the roles have to be individually hashed out, which is even more work.

      On a more personal level, I think you may have to have some adult time with a parent to see their young selves fully. My dad could do *everything* in my eyes as a kid, but knowing him as an adult made me realize how much he was winging it and doing stuff in spite of worry and anxiety. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to quite unseat my mother from the kind of omnipotence a parent has to you when you’re little, since we never knew each other when we were both adults.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        A while ago, I started considering that the act of “winging it” is actually a knack or a skill unto itself.
        It starts with a willingness to tackle the unfamiliar.
        Well where does that willingness come from? Perhaps a broad general knowledge base? Perhaps a neighbor who can pinch hit if I screw up? Perhaps a family habit of plunging in and figuring it out on the fly?

        I do agree that it was in spite of worry and anxiety that they did stuff. But in some ways I think our anxiety levels are higher than theirs. My father used to say that we have it worse than he did. He said in the depression no one had anything. Now people run the gambit of having nothing to being filthy rich. In his day, he said, you got to school and everyone else was wearing mended clothes and shoes just like you. Now, there are people in spendy outfits right next to people wearing hand-me-downs. The pressure to have more and to spend more is off the charts, he said.

    14. Rebecca*

      “how to fold a fitted sheet so it doesn’t look like gnomes live inside it” I love this description! I’ve never mastered that, and in my world, as long as the sheets are put away, and they fit in the space, that’s what’s important to me.

      I think we don’t have to know as much now. My Grandma was 30 years old in 1933. She knew how to darn wool socks, sew, made quilts, homemade soap, tended chickens, had a garden, worked in a sewing factory when there was work, did home canning, and on and on. She told me once it didn’t matter sometimes even if you had money, the thing you wanted to buy usually wasn’t available anyway. Today, we just buy new things, go to the store, etc. I know how to darn socks because she taught me when I was little. I can sew, too, because my Mom and Grandma taught me. I rarely use those skills. So for better or worse, we just don’t have to help ourselves as much as we used to.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        I learned how to fold a fitted sheet by turning the TV on and it was accidentally on a home chat show, where they were going to interview some “housekeeping expert” so I waited and watched. I tried it on my own and it’s amazing.

        My Grandmother could do many of the things yours could. She grew up on a farm where they had to do a lot of things like preserving. After she emigrated following the war, she worked as a housekeeper, first live-in then later she took the bus (never learned to drive!) every day to clean and cook for some rich family. She could cook *anything*, she used to take recipes out of the paper and put her own twist on them. People who knew her still mention this. She died on this day almost 40 years ago.

        My mother — who saw all of this as a child up close and personal as she lived with my Grandmother in the house of the rich people — grew up to *hate* housework of all kinds. I don’t know what happened, she never spoke about it, but I’m sure something did. Maybe she hated the way her mother worked herself to the bone for very low wages? The way she was treated as a “servant”? Maybe my Grandmother was the “don’t do that, you’re making a mess, let me do it” kind of parent, so my mother never learned? Just because you’re amazing at something, it doesn’t mean you’re automatically able to teach it. As a single parent, my mother had a lot on her plate and doing chores for us kids was expected, there were no lessons or other things to get in the way. Also, I’m not going to go so far as to say she was a full-on bra-burning angry feminist, but she was pretty close to that. She hated the concept of “women’s work” and the “pink collar ghetto”.

        Which leaves me and let’s just say that I am not a “housekeeping expert” by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve learned what I needed to know to get by, except discipline (heh). I don’t darn socks, because for the most part, they are not an expensive item of clothing. I can sew clothes, but it’s easier to buy them and less time consuming. I don’t have family to ask questions of, so I’ll either look online or just poke around. My one neighbour is a whiz at repairing machinery, I’ve learned a lot from him over the years. If you don’t have the money for an expert to repair it, you’ve got to try it yourself but it helps to have someone around who knows what they’re doing.

    15. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Another factor is that along with questioning categories to which we assign roles or attributes, such as gender and race, we also are questioning whether age is an arbitrarily limiting factor for behaviors or traits. (I’m not talking about the limited capabilities of infants and children, obviously, as those aren’t arbitrary.) For example, it used to be considered childish to play video games, watch animated shows or movies, or enjoy fantasy or magical stories. Many people may still think that way, but that’s changing, very much so among younger adults, and even middle-aged adults like myself and my peers. Along with questioning those, we are starting to question whether we have to “suck it up” and do things that we don’t want to, and if we do feel the need to do them, do we really have to suck it up, or can we whine a little?

      It’s really not that different from the breaking down of other stereotypes. Each generation seems to be getting a little more accepting and tolerant of all kinds of individual variations and differences.

    16. Woman of a Certain Age*

      With the changes in our economy, it seems to me that many young people (milkennials?) never get to have a “grown-up” job where they’re paid a middle-class wage and can afford to be independent and to do “grown-up” things (like getting married or buying a house). Although they have “grown-up” responsibilities (and for the most part they do quite well with them) it seem like they never receive “grown-up” rewards.

    17. Not So NewReader*

      My theory is there are a number of factors colliding at once.

      We were more of a blue collar nation in previous generations. Our elders were more hands on and they had been taught more. I know that in the 60s people who learned a hands on trade were supposedly the people who could not do anything else. Not being able to fix your own pipes or outlets meant you were wealthy, you had “arrived”. I remember my mother being over the top embarrassed because my father bought a pick up truck in the 70s. You could get a new one for 5 grand. Pick up trucks were blue collar class. (I hate this type of thinking with a fiery passion.)

      Another aspect to consider is that our houses have more complexity and more technology. Decades ago, there was one bathroom, now there’s several. There were less whole-house systems such as central stereo, vacuums, AC and so on. The complexity is beyond the average person’s abilities.

      I’d also like to point out that manufacturers make things in a manner that a home owner cannot repair them. You need specialty tools. Car repair shops are getting crushed by the cost of all the special tools they have to buy. I bought an infrared heater for my home and one of the big talking points was it was built for the homeowner to repair it when it broke. They give you the instructions with pictures, no special screwdrivers needed. This is very unusual.

      From a personal experience level, my own parents believed that schools should teach me how to balance a checkbook, swap out a bad electrical outlet, do small plumbing repairs ALONG with the regular school stuff. I think my parents got that impression from the media, but I am not sure.

      We did not have the safety awareness/regs/restrictions that we have now. I remember my uncle laughing, “What do you mean you don’t know how to weld? Turn the damn thing on and figure it out.” This was probably how he was taught. I have heard a lot of stories like that. I think that we have grown more focused on fear of injury and we have forgotten how to teach safety. But we don’t have to teach safety because we just don’t do those things anymore. They were considering a law that you have to be 12 to drive a tractor here. hmm. Many of my friends were driving a tractor at age 7, that is about when their legs could reach the pedals. Parents need to be able to decide what is appropriate for their kids, not the government.

      Yes, I agree. We (collectively) are less capable than our parents were. There are probably more factors causing this also.

      1. fposte*

        “Car repair shops are getting crushed by the cost of all the special tools they have to buy.” Wow, I’d never even thought of that, but I can see how that could happen.

        I was amused recently to encounter the modern version of “Everyone should know how to change their own oil”–we had a faculty member who felt that everybody should be able to code in Unix.

        1. Dan*

          I live in an apartment. I googled “where to change your oil if you live in an apartment.” People suggest the parking lot of an office building. So, I have to go out and buy oil every time, and keep some jacks some where. Then I’d have to go to the lot, change it, and then dispose of it.

          Or, for $30 I can go to my mechanic or Jiffy Lube and not get my hands dirty.

          Even if I knew how to change my own oil, that doesn’t mean I actually would.

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, I think the Unix parallel is actually apt that way. I also think that the oil change thing is for a lot of people an emblem of their ability to take care of their things and manage their lives–it’s an article of faith about who they are more than a practical decision. It’s especially true on financial forums, where if you tell people you pay for oil changes you can count the exploding heads, even from people who’ve never brought a bagged lunch to work in their life.

            I bring lunch from home because I like food prep and my own cooking; if I liked doing oil changes I’d save money that way too, but I don’t. But if somebody wants to do it the other way around or both or neither, hey, whatever floats your budget boat.

            1. Dan*

              Yeah, I can’t stand the cult-like mentality on many of the financial forums. I actually like my job, it’s rather low stress, pays well, and gives me a lot of vacation. They’re also really good with the older folks — part time status is available for the taking. (We actually have a name for it.)

              So you know what? I’m a-ok working until I’m 70. I actually get enough time off, I don’t feel like I need to retire “to do the things I never had time for.” It also means I can do some things now that aren’t financially prudent.

              But if I go on those forums and tell them I’m willing to work a day past 50, they’ll brand me with the scarlet letter, because, you know, we’re all supposed to be frugal so we can quit our jobs at the earliest possible moment.

              BTW, the “latte factor” advice is misleading. When people talk about how much money you’re spending on lattes over the next 30 years, they really need to be discounting it today’s terms to make an appropriate comparison. When you do that, the numbers are a lot more mundane.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Years ago there was a study that showed a tendency for people who retired younger to die younger. I plan to keep working, too, Dan. This goal of retiring at 50 is amusing to me.

          2. Temperance*

            My FIL railed on my husband, and still does, because we don’t change our own oil, and we’re “wasting money” and we think we’re better than people who work with their hands. It’s more like us choosing to spend time on other things, and the price is low.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I put a dollar value on my labor. If I am changing oil, I am working for about $15 per hour. Digging my septic tank lid before the truck comes, $50 per hour. Likewise with the filters on my drinking water system.
              I go right through, painting, recovering furniture and so on. I made myself over come some vertigo to mow my lawn because conservatively that is about $30 per week in my pocket. Snow removal is not only more costly but it is difficult to find people who will come plow. So I plow, too.
              I attach a dollar value to my labor, it’s cheaper to pay someone to change the oil, and that frees me up to do something at a higher dollar per hour value.

        2. Dynamic Beige*

          Today the battery in my car key died. I went to the dealership to get a new battery, but I wasn’t sure if the key electronics were broken. I also went to the dealership because there are about a million different little batteries now and I could spend days going from store to store trying to get the right one.

          It cost $10+tax for this battery. And while I was standing there, I realised that I probably didn’t have a screwdriver at home that was small enough for the little tiny screw in the key. There was a guy there who opened the key with this special screwdriver (and mercifully there was no service charge) but as he turned the screw, he asked the girl in parts who I had bought the battery from if I had also purchased a screw. I had not. No one had said that I needed that. He went on to explain that the screw was old and would probably be stripped by the time he got it out. So I bought a screw, which came in its own 4″x 3″ sealed plastic bag. It was $3.40. To replace the battery, it cost almost $15. If I had decided to do it myself, I would have had to buy a new screwdriver which would only be useful for this screw and maybe repairing eyeglasses.

          Henry Ford is probably laughing somewhere, very loud and long and hard.

    18. Dan*

      I don’t think gender roles have as much to do with it as the economics that Stellaaaa points out.

      When people are getting married younger, they’re getting their own house and figuring out how to make it work. With changing economics, such as increased housing prices, increased student loan debt, and people getting married later or not at all, what you really have is a lot of people either living with their parents or renting.

      I’m 37 and rent in the DC suburbs. I haven’t mowed the grass or shoveled snow since I moved out of my parents’ house 20 years ago. If something breaks in my apartment? I call the main office. They send a guy to fix it.

      My car? I don’t know how to change the oil. I’m not sure I’m even allowed to change the oil at my apartment complex. I can change a flat tire, but that’s it. Anything else, I have no idea how to do.

      I can cook, and reasonably well. I’ve been to 30 countries, almost never on an organized tour. (I got my first passport when I was 26, so it wasn’t like I did a lot of traveling with my parents showing me the ropes.) So in some ways, I’m very grown up. But for anything around the house besides cooking? I’m useless. I own a vacuum and did rent a carpet cleaner once. I do my laundry, but I mix whites and colors. I have no idea how to use bleach or fabric softener.

      I blame my domestic uselessness on the fact that I rent and have no garage. As a single guy, though, I do have to do some things that cross traditional gender role boundaries if I want to survive and not lose my job because my clothes are smelly. (In theory I could eat out all the time and not cook, but that could impact survival as eating out isn’t generally healthy.)

      I guess a lot of this comes down to learning stuff when you need to, and as a renter, and especially one with out a car, there are many “adult” tasks one has no opportunity to learn, let alone need to actually perform.

    19. Emma*

      Some I think is people being more open about it, and maybe using different words. Everyone has holes in their knowledge, but it seems like until really recently, people would just talk about not knowing how to do x, not “adulting.”

      I do think there’s something to the gender role thing, and the lack of things like home ec classes, but I don’t think that accounts for enough. I also think that there were always things people didn’t know how to do, and a lot varies by culture/subculture and socioeconomic status as well as gender, and even just what their parents knew and did. My grandmother couldn’t sew very well, but by god could she manage finances and investments.

      It’s also worth noting that it’s easy to not see others’ struggles, especially if they’re interior or the people aren’t verbalizing them to you. I remember griping to my mother about how I couldn’t repair my leaky faucet and how I didn’t feel like a real adult, and she told me basically that everyone feels that way at times and about some things, and that at over 60 there are still times she doesn’t feel like a real grown-up. It was kind of eye-opening because she always seemed to know exactly what she was about.

    20. Rob Lowe can't read*

      My mom can’t sew and neither of my parents are great cooks, so the latter is something I had to pick up on the fly once I moved out, and I still have no basic sewing skills. (I mean, I understand how to do it in principle, but I can never get hems even or buttons firmly affixed, so basically I have no skills in that area.) My parents also outsourced most home and all car maintenance, so I know things that need to be done (cleaning gutters, changing oil), but not how to do them. And I am very much an experiential learner – show me how to do something and let me do it a few times and I get it, but don’t give me directions out of context – so being told, “Oh, [skill] is so easy! You just blah the blah, and…” is just noise to me. I have no doubt that I could learn some of these things, but I missed the window for extensive guided practice.

      There are things I can do really well, though. I watched about a million videos on folding fitted sheets and practiced and now I do it like a boss. And I have worked out other best practices through trial and error.

    21. matcha123*

      I was under the impression that for people that could afford it, they hired people to take care of their home (housecleaning, landscapers, etc.) and those that were poor just didn’t invite people over because they had wires hanging from places or the tub had a ring.

      If I think back to the period of the US in the 20th century, it’s not as if America has had a deep cooking culture. We jumped on canned and instant food when they came out. (Think of the cookbooks for Jell-O cakes and various ways of preparing SPAM)
      Fixing things around the home was more of a lesson in trial and error rather than some skill. But really, as kids we kind of assume our parents have their ish together. They get a lot of practice and some just obsessed over reading Good Homes (is that the name of that book?).

    22. Temperance*

      Culturally speaking, we were raised to learn from our elders, but I learned very early on that my mother’s/in-law’s methods for cleaning and handling the home were not the best. The internet means that we have other ways to learn this stuff, and get better information, in some cases. I cook more interesting and intricate meals than they did, and my house is cleaner.

      I’m from a pretty blue collar area, though, where I was still expected to not work and take care of the home while my husband had a job. That’s not my reality, FWIW.

    23. Observer*

      I haven’t read all of the responses, but I do think that some of what I have read is spot on. But, I also think that we’ve also started doing more for our kids, and thus they haven’t learned as much. They’ve also, in many cases, absorbed the idea that they can’t do things, they can’t figure out how to do things, or that it has to be perfect or it’s not ok.

      I see a lot of people who “don’t know” how to do something, who actually do know but aren’t sure so they think that that doesn’t count. And, that if they just try and it doesn’t come out just right, it’s a huge big deal. It’s not just “adulting” things, either.

    24. Kimberly Samuelson*

      Did you have many chores assigned to you when you were a kid? My friends used to call me Cinderella as I was expected to do most of the household indoor and outdoor chores (cook dinner, clean up, mow lawn, vacuum pool, laundry, shovel snow, trim bushes, various gardening tasks, dusting, etc.). AND my chores were subject to inspection–so if it wasn’t done right (the stripes left by the lawnmower have to all go in the same direction) —it was done again. While I do think my parents were a bit “harsh” I do know how to do a lot of these adult-maintenance things. In contrast, my sister (13 years younger) had no chores and had to learn everything as an adult.

    25. Natalie*

      One point I haven’t seen mentioned among these many good points is people being more transient. Your mention of pipes in winter made me think of this – two generations ago, especially, people tended to settle somewhere near their parents and grandparents, so whatever region-specific knowledge they picked up as a kid would still be useful. But people now tend to move a lot more often, so they might move from a warm-weather climate to a cold-weather climate, say, and might not even know pipes could freeze in the winter.

      I think about this every time there’s a snow storm in a south and my fellow Minnesotans get all up on their high horse about driving in an inch of snow. Of course we’re good at it, we have the experience and gear to excel. Someone in Atlanta doesn’t own snow tires, because it makes no damn sense.

  46. Anon Looking for Advice*

    So tonight is my work’s holiday party. I was looking forward to going because it’s at a beautiful museum downtown and there is an open bar :) I was planning on bringing one of my best friends and former coworkers at this place of employment (she has mantained close relationships with many of our former coworkers as well). The party is in about 3 hours and she is just now telling me she doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t have anything to wear and is too uncomfortable with how she looks to find something, although we are a similar size and I offered for her to come over and try on anything I had. I am entirely sympathetic to feeling uncomfortable with how you look but this isn’t really like her and frankly I am annoyed that she waited until now to tell me because I could’ve brought my SO as a guest instead. Am I wrong in feeling a little bit upset over this? I feel like I am always there to support her when she is having a hard time and am the first to validate her feelings and emotions and I don’t want to put her out of her comfort zone or hurt her mental state. However, I am left feeling frustrated, disappointed and upset that I have no one to accompany me to the party and don’t feel comfortable going alone. Added to this is that my other coworker I am very close with is also not going anymore.

    Any advice?

    1. SophieChotek*

      wow that’s too bad. (Too late for SO to go instead?)

      Do you need to go for the company party for appearance’s sake? If so, I would go for the required amount of time, and then go home. (Enjoy the setting — beautiful museum — and free alcohol?)

      Otherwise, I’m sorry. It’s frustrating when people bail last minute and there is no chance to make alternate plans.

    2. AcidMeFlux*

      I used to bail on stuff last minute, exactly for the reasons your friend mentions; all boiled down to, I felt like crap. I kind of grew out of it. At least now I show up for a while, and then after a bit, often, I end up having a good time! This week I read a story on how Matt Damon met his wife, and moral of the story, he says sometimes just let your friends drag you somewhere, ’cause you never know! (Link to follow).

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      It’s possible that this event churned up more stress than your friend anticipated. It’s gotta feel a bit weird to go to your former employer’s holiday party. Has her appearance changed much since she worked there?

    4. Not So NewReader*

      The time of your post says this party is underway or near over by now.

      With that in mind, I am thinking about what to do going forward.
      Options
      1) Let it go and just don’t invite her next year.
      2) Invite her next year but go clothes shopping together before hand.
      3) Decide you really don’t want to go to these parties either.

      I think that your own reservations about going are good groundwork for understanding her reservations about going. Sure, it’s fine for you to be upset about it, that is pretty understandable. It’s what you DO with that upset that you want to watch.

      Give yourself time to cool down and then talk with her. She fed into the Negative Nancy in her head and it impacted you as you needed her to go with you. Ask her what she thinks the two of you should do the next time Nancy is winning. Maybe you both could even find some ideas to prevent Negative Nancy from starting her crap. It could be as simple as stopping at a donut shop on the way home so the two of you can chat before calling it a night. Maybe that one-on-one time would be meaningful to her. Kick around some ideas about how to handle this differently to get different results.

  47. Melody Pond*

    Mr. Pond and I went to my employer’s holiday party last night – we were so fancy! I had a navy, floor-length one shoulder dress with a sequined gray button down sweater to dress it down a bit, and a dark, satin-y slate gray clutch and pink metallic shoes. He wore dark charcoal slacks, a gray-ish (tiny bits of black and white, so it looks effectively dark-ish gray), tweed-type jacket (with a black leather collar and black leather elbow patches on it!), a white shirt, and a satin-y silver bow tie. He looked so good! And as usual, since he’s the social butterfly, many of my co-workers instantly adored him.

    It was so fun and so fancy and ritzy! There was amazing food, and dancing – I saw several of my colleagues way more drunk than I would have expected to see, hehe. Everyone was pretty dressed up, and there was dancing and a live band. The president of our company introduced our firm’s summer 2017 interns and fall 2017 new hires, which was odd to be realize that soon my group of new hires won’t be the youngest people at the firm anymore.

    We finished out the night by meeting up with some non-work friends in a very grungy, NON-fancy bar, which I thought was kind of fun, since we were all crazy dressed up. It was generally a pretty great night.

    1. SophieChotek*

      Sounds like you had a great time. That’s great — !
      Glad your employer’s holiday party was worth it.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Thanks! Yeah, I was still feeling the afterglow a little bit, and just wanted to vent some of it off. :)

  48. Jubilance*

    I have 19 days until BabyPi’s due date and I’m so ready to meet my baby! I’m also tired all the time, have a waddle and I’m over the constant kicking (my baby is very active). Several women have suggested that I get a yoga ball and start sitting on it to hopefully get baby to drop, so I’ll be doing that this weekend.

    1. fposte*

      I’ve been thinking about you and the impending Jubi-wee :-). Good luck with the repositioning and with counting down ge days!

    2. New Bee*

      So close! The last stretch was rough (and Baby Bee was a week overdue), but once they’re born the time flies! I hope she drops–BB did pretty early, but then I joked that she crawled back up in horror on Election Night and jinxed it–she ended up taking forever to get to 0 station. Good luck. :-)

    3. MommaCat*

      I totally feel you on being done. 4 weeks to go for me! I’ve been having nasty back/hip pain, and I finally broke down and bought a belly sling… OMG, I don’t waddle as much, and I can walk without pain! Anyway, sending good vibes your way that you’ll be able to have a little drink on New Years (if you’re into that).

    4. Amy*

      While you’re getting a yoga ball, consider getting a peanut ball too! The peanut ball can be used during labor even if you have an epidural (in which case you can’t get out of bed to use the yoga ball). You basically lie on the bed with the peanut ball between your knees and it helps the baby descend by opening your pelvis. The labor nurse who taught my labor class and my doula both highly recommended bringing one.

      Storytime: I got to the hospital at 4cm, got my epidural, and found out literally about 3 hours later that I was dilated to 9cm and just about ready to push. I didn’t feel a strong urge to push so I “labored down” (hung out on the bed with the peanut ball between my knees, letting my uterine contractions help the baby descend) for a few hours, at which point the baby was nearly out without me doing a lick of work. I pushed for about 15 minutes and boom: baby. ‘Twas awesome and way easier than I thought it would be, even though baby was born face up (which is harder to deliver). And I totally slacked on doing any sort of exercises or kegels while pregnant, so I credit the “laboring down” and the peanut ball with helping to make my delivery pretty easy. Just one person’s experience, of course, but getting the ball can’t hurt.

      Sending good thoughts your way! Wishing you a smooth delivery!

  49. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    I’m late to this, but what did you all get for Christmas?

    It’s just my wife and I this year, and money is kind of tight. But at least we can do gifts now! The past two married Christmases, we haven’t been able to give each other anything.

    First, I took her to the craft store and she picked out a new painting palette and some new acrylic paints, then today I got her the illustrated first Harry Potter book and some chocolate (Lindt sea salt Carmel). I’m not wrapping the book right away, though, because I want to secretly read it first! :)

    2. Cath in Canada*

      Gift buying feels harder and harder each year. I don’t like to repeat previous years’ gifts too much, even if they were very successful, and everyone already has most of what they need.

      This year, I bought some gift subscription boxes: a year’s worth of fancy tea and healthy snacks for my sister and her SO, and miniature hipster gin samplers for my parents. Bonus: if they like it, I’ll just keep paying for it in future years!

      Hubby and I usually just do silly stocking fillers for each other – we’d rather spend our money on vacations.

      Cash for our teenaged nephews – not as much fun as, but much easier than, toy shopping of years past.

      The adults in his (big) family do secret Santa and we don’t know who we’re buying for yet.

      Previous years’ most successful purchases: rugby or opera tickets, hotel/train ticket combos, annual memberships to museums, spa and cinema vouchers, a whisky tasting dinner, books. Oh and we each went in with our siblings a few years ago to buy iPads for our parents, which they mostly use for Skyping.

    3. Elkay*

      I’ve bought Christmas tree decorations for my parents this year. My brother always gets foodie stuff, last year it was unusual ingredients, this year it’s gadgets.

      When money was tight for us we set a budget and we still stick to it even though we don’t have to anymore, it makes you think about what you’re buying rather than just panicking and buying crap.

    4. chickabiddy*

      I don’t have a lot of people to shop for. My mom is getting the Black Friday special tote bag filled with goodies from the Body Shop. My dad and stepmother got an Instant Pot (also from a Black Friday sale). My sister and niece (both late teens/early 20s) are getting adult coloring books and Amazon gift cards. My daughter wants to do 23andme and that is pricey enough that it will be her main gift, although I also have a calendar and a sweatshirt for her, because of course she does not have enough grey or black hoodies.

    5. fposte*

      Several people are getting DVDs, which I feel exist these days largely so they can be given as gifts. A couple of people are getting cool art prints, which may be too big for their walls but I don’t care (one is a particular score because it’s hugely regional and it’s being sent to a European friend who loves Midwestern kitsch). And then one part of the family has trimmed down a lot so we often give consumables–with those it can be fun to give something nicer than you’d buy for yourself, so I’m thinking fancy olive oil (they’re big veggie gardeners).

      And some of these still have to be purchased, so that’s on the docket for this weekend.

    6. Franzia Spritzer*

      I got Spouse a bazillion pairs of new socks and wrapped them individually, practical and frivolous. I also got them a beanie and some PJs. Simple and sweet.

      Santa got me a titanium spork (for my backcountry kit), PJs, a pair of fancy toe socks, and a couple of books.

      Who knows what if anything Spouse will bestow upon me for my b-day (next week), or Christmas.

    8. paul*

      no clue what I’m getting. I bought my wife dough whisk and 2 lbs of vanilla tootsie rolls (disgusting but she loves ’em)

    9. Al Lo*

      I’m trying to get people passes or tickets to things wherever possible. My sister, BIL, and nephews are getting a season’s pass to a local amusement park. My other nephews are (I think) getting a gift certificate to the science centre. My parents always get passes to our city’s annual fireworks festival.

      (All of the nephews would be getting tickets to the local children’s theatre, but they did their preschool-targeted shows in the fall this year, and their winter shows are targeted a bit older than my guys, so that’ll have to wait for another year.)

      I have no idea what I’m getting for my husband. We’re talking about going away for a few days in early January, so we may call that our gift. Last year we didn’t get each other gifts, but we took a shopping date day after Christmas and each got a specific amount of cash to “treat yo self” on things we wouldn’t necessarily prioritize for ourselves at another time, and then we had dinner and a movie. That was probably more fun than trying to find the perfect gifts for each other.

    10. Colette*

      I usually get my teenaged nieces books + something small, but this year I am getting them electronics + cases. I plan to wrap the cases and see how they react.

      And eventually I’ll give them the electronics as well.

      I expect it to be entertaining. For me, anyway.

    11. Jen RO*

      I just ordered a point and shoot camera for my boyfriend, because he always complains that mine is too complicated.

    12. Marcela*

      Dh will get a sous vide gadget. He has been wanting one for a long time, to replace the artisan one he made (including an aquarium pump) that is too slow for daily cooking. But this year I was lucky to hear he wanted one just at the right time, for he is really difficult to gift, since most of the time he just gets what he needs/wants. And he is not easily tempted with food, as I am. Most years I give him a book, but I always worry that it s boring gift, no matter the topic.

      I try very hard to give my people things I know they love, but precisely that makes the gift giving so hard, for the list of things you know somebody loves is never very long, and eventually one is forced to give repeated gifts, or as my family use to do, just give huge bottles of hand/body creams, which was very sad when I was a teenager. It looked to me like they didn’t know me and didn’t care.

      As for me, I don’t know what I will get. Dh is a great gift giver, and he surprises me every year with something amazing, like the time he got me a sewing machine, or when he gave me a tablet, something I did not know I would need so badly, to the point I don’t use my laptop at home anymore.

  51. acmx*

    Does anyone have suggestions for toys for Christmas gifts? One of the toys I’d planned on giving is sold out. Guess it’s the hot item of the year.

      1. acmx*

        It was a k’nex.

        9-13. I think it’ll be Legos. With a gift receipt! Sometimes I’d like to come pup with original toy ideas. But I’m not good at toys.

  52. Rebecca*

    I want to thank everyone for their suggestions and support last week regarding all the clutter and issues about throwing things away or getting rid of them because “I might need it someday”. There are things I won’t give away, like my large roasting pan that I use a few times a year, but…I am making progress getting rid of things! I have 4 large bags of clothes ready to donate, and as far as the old cables and electronics, I got a box, and I’m gathering things up to either go to the landfill’s electronics recycling area or to be given away. No hits on the pair of shoes I posted on the local sell and swap, so I guess I’ll repost.

    I looked into mobile shredding for old records, etc, and there is something once per year locally.

    I know this is going to be a long, difficult process for me, but I need to do it and it already feels good. Every time I put something in the donation bag, it’s a victory.

    3. Sibley*

      Great start! Keep chipping away at it. You’ll probably find that over time it gets easier to get rid of things you don’t need.

    5. Jean aka the Recovering Packrat*

      Sibley said it very well and I can affirm that yes, over time it does indeed get easier to get rid of things you don’t need.

      The decluttering I began last weekend continued for much of the week. Result: fewer boxes and stacks of mangy, need-to-be-sorted papers; much greater order imposed upon our home files; and an increased sense of well-being when I’m in our living room, dining room, or kitchen. Our apartment finally feels more like a home than a storage locker!

    6. Emma*

      I will say, as someone going through a similar decluttering process, that the single thing that’s helped me the most is, when I do decide to get rid of something, getting it out of my house immediately. Otherwise I tend to talk myself back around to keeping it.

      I’ve learned to be really ruthless with myself. No, you have six vases, you don’t need another. Yes, it’s pretty. You enjoyed looking at it, it’s done its duty, now it’s got to move on. Why do you need two teapots? Etc.

      Good luck to you. Hang onto that good feeling, it really helps keep you going.

  53. Gala apple*

    What are some hobbies that get you out of the house?

    I’ve been realizing on that I don’t have much “fun” or creative time. I work a lot (full time and part time seasonal); I like cooking, reading, listening to podcasts. In my head I like spending time outside but I’m great at finding ways to avoid it. Local theatre is wonderful and antique shops are fun; but I’m paring down on my possessions and also working to pay off my car, so looking to do things that have a low level of entry.

    1. fposte*

      My health dipped this year and I closed in on myself a bit, so I’m interested in this discussion and hope it’ll restart me a little. One of the things I like to do (works a little better in nicer weather but it’s not impossible) are destination walks–either walking to someplace (it can be simple, like that house with the cool Christmas lights, or to see what the heck that construction is on the corner) or driving to a park or someplace to walk. I have friends who like walking, too, so often we’ll meet up in one of the local parks for an hour’s walk.

      I do also garden, but I’m figuring out where I am on that; I’m thinking about ways to streamline mine now since it got a little out of hand :-).

      1. Gala apple*

        I love the idea of a destination walk! I’ve been thinking of getting a bit into photography, since it was something that interested me in high school, so I could totally combine those!

    3. Cruciatus*

      Just for something very simple, but Pokemon Go gets me outside, even it just for a little bit. It’ll be harder now that we’ve already got a foot of snow, but in better weather I go to the local university that has lots of Pokestops, turn on my iPod, and walk around for a little bit. I like walking anyway, but Pokemon Go for now makes it a little more fun. The game is in my wheelhouse though because it’s about collecting stuff and that’s something I like in games (I’m not as into action packed games). Or geocaching. You can download the app and get a free version of it, though I still use a handheld GPS to play it. If you already have a smartphone both would be free to you. And if you don’t like it? You delete the apps and move on with life!

      Speaking of universities, if there’s one local to you maybe there are performances there that are free or low cost? Ours has lots of different events happening. Today was a tuba Christmas music event for example. Lots of student theater stuff, sometimes bands I’ve actually heard of. One local university is known for bringing the more indie movies that our local movie theater won’t play (I think they charge something like $2). They also have lots of talks and bring dance troupes to town. Check Facebook/social media sites for local stores/places you like. Sometimes they post events or share information for related events other places. There’s a lot more going on in my town than I realized… Though I’m still waiting to hear about a trivia night event. I would kill for that…

      1. Gala apple*

        There is a university here and they have tons of programs; I tend to avoid it because I find the students a bit pretentious/young; I likely just need to get over myself. There’s also a community college which has some programs (and better parking!); I’ll check that out!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Volunteer time. I am on a couple boards and I also do random volunteer tasks.
      There’s also church activities.
      Sometimes I help a friend with a project, not so much that I know anything about the project but I do know how to look around and ask questions of sales people.

      1. Temperance*

        I’ve been interested in joining some boards, but I can’t afford the hefty pay-to-play that seems rampant here. Some boards charge $2k each to participate. Do you have the same issue?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Nope. Small town with not too many people who have free time. We have the opposite problem, when people see you on one board they start asking if you want to join another. I have been trying to get a new board member here, I have asked six people. They ran away from me so I am taking that as a no.

          I see that pay to play thing, it must be in more populated areas. I got started with board work by showing up for their public meetings. That meant I was taking an interest, which is a big deal here. I would ask questions and sometimes bring ideas/articles. I tried to follow along with the board’s agendas, minutes etc. If you attend meetings in general that helps too, because board X could be wondering about a town meeting or a county meeting and if you happen to have been at that meeting you can chime in sometimes.

          I don’t pay much attention to who is who. I have no interest in rubbing elbows. I am definitely focused on the topics/concerns at hand. I think that focus helps me. I do make sure I get people’s names right so as not to be rude. I have been told that people think I am a straight shooter. I guess they mean “no head games”. I do believe in the importance of walk matching talk.

          Start with a small place that interests you but does not seem to attract everyone. Definitely go to other meetings also. As an example: Let’s say you are interested in an animal rescue place and you find out that the rescue is interested in zoning issues and certain county regs. This would be a clue to go to the zoning board meetings and go to relevant county meetings to get more knowledge and be more conversant in what is going on. At this point, you are an observer, you are not getting into the nuts and bolts of the issues. It’s fine to ask questions.
          Give it about 6-8 months. If you are asked to join something, try to say yes even if it is not your targeted animal rescue. After you get that first invite probably more will come in a bit. Keep your attendance at meetings UP. It’s having that steady flow of current information that will help you.

          If you do not pay to play DEFINITELY expect to work your tail off. Bring peace-making skills.

    5. Emilia Bedelia*

      Listening to podcasts while walking is fun. I live about 2 miles from the grocery store, so if time permits I’ll walk there instead of driving and listen to podcasts on the way.
      I don’t mind walking in the cold, but in the winter I also like to go to stores/malls and walk around indoors. I enjoy shopping just for the sake of it (not even buying anything, just going places and looking around at stuff) so walking around a mall with interesting shops is actually my idea of fun, but ymmv.
      In warmer weather, my boyfriend and I like to go on picnics instead of going out for dinner- we’ll both bring a few different foods, meet somewhere pretty, and eat and walk around.

    6. Julie*

      I live in a city with a ton of free museums but even the pay places have free days/hours. I go to the art museum and just choose a gallery and go. I went so much last year I could actually identify as they started changing paintings out. The first few times I went I would look at every piece and read every description in a room. The pieces don’t change that often so I just started sitting in rooms and watching people look at the art. Eventually it got very meditative to just sit and look at familiar pieces.

      I love walking through botanical gardens or parks. Sometimes I walk and listen to podcasts, sometimes it’s jazz or classical, sometimes I’m barely listening and playing PokemonGo. I go to so many new places just to catch the new spawn. I have a lot of parks close to my home but the game has helped me go to sculpture parks, the forgotten parks of the city, fairgrounds, everything. If Pokemon is a little too nerdy/childish for you, it’s similar to geocaching which I’ve been cheating on.

      For reading, I did a BustleReads challenge this year. Most books I got through my library and I pushed myself to read 20 books outside my usual comfort zone (book set in Middle East, book about non-Western history, young adult book by an author of color, and so on). I also started checking out cookbooks there and had huge success. I did buy some coloring books last year and now I listen to music/podcasts while doing them. I listen to Pop Culture Happy Hour among others and then try out the new media they suggest too.

      1. Gala apple*

        Thanks for the BustleReads suggestion; I’ll check it out. Sounds like a spin on something else I’ve been thinking of, which is to prepare a meal/dish once a week from either a different country or a different cookbook.

    8. Dan*

      My local NBA team sucks ass this year, so tickets on the secondary market are really cheap. Our arena is served by public transit (which my company pays for) and I can restrain myself from overpriced stadium food and drink, so I can get a ticket for $10. I can get pretty decent seats for $25.

      I grew up in really rural areas, so attending pro sports live is still a bit of a novelty for me. And the arena is easy to get to even during the week.

      1. Gala apple*

        Oh good suggestion! I’d totally go to sporting events but we only have college teams here, and that’s not my scene. Maybe there are some tiny regional teams that could use some supporters though.

    9. TeaLady*

      Geocaching. Rural, urban, long walks or a short stop on the way to something else. Completely free to start if you have a smart phone and diwnload a free app like c:geo and pretty low cost on going if you want (although you can spend money on kit if you want to).

      It can take you to really interesting our scenic places you never even knew about, and I have learned a lot about architecture, history, landscape and geology. Depending where you are, there’s often a social aspect to it too.

      1. fposte*

        For you and Cruciatus–is geocaching something that requires ongoing commitment, or can you do it, disappear, and come back to it? I’ve liked the sound of it but wondered if I could do it only occasionally.

        1. Cruciatus*

          You can come and go. It’s what I do. I started way back in the day when you did need to invest in at least a handheld GPS (as I mentioned, I still prefer this) but a free version is available as an app. You pick a name and create an account and you’re pretty much ready to go (well, after you read over some rules, mostly for seeking and for hiding them trespassing and damaging property should never be involved). Some people have thousands of finds but I only have a few hundred because I do it occasionally, most often when I’m out of town (because you start to find all the ones you have at home). When I started I was convinced there wouldn’t be many in my small town but, oh boy, they are everywhere. Some are ranked easy to find, others harder. A couple of times a year I get really gung-ho about it and then sometimes I forget about doing it for a year. But I always come back to it eventually. There’s nothing that requires any commitment from you (well, I do pay a yearly $33 premium fee but I’m going to look into whether this is necessary any more since coordinates are downloadable easily these days to smart phones–it’s not necessary to pay this. You just get some extra features that I’m not even sure I can name right now…) Give it a shot! Check out geocaching dot com and read it over and check out some maps and see if it grabs you!

    10. Emma*

      There are a bunch of free museums by me. I tend to haunt them, to the point that the staff at one knows me pretty well by now.

      I also have a fondness for parks and gardens, and just taking things like my books, my mp3 player, or my sketchbook out there. Not the best in the dead of winter, maybe, but it’s nice and refreshing and I can do all my usual in-house hobbies, just in a different setting.

      Also, maybe this is just me, but I like to explore the area I live in. I just like to see what’s around! I’ve found some pretty neat places that way, including one museum I’d never have found otherwise, and this crazy little shop that sells nothing but mystery novels and Civil War stuff. (I don’t stop there to shop – I stop there to chat with the owner. I figured anyone with a shop like that had to be interesting to talk to.)

    11. Emily*

      I do some sports (ultimate frisbee and bouldering) and play the viola in a community orchestra.

      After my most recent vacation (to a big city), I’ve realized/remembered that I like seeing art exhibits and performances. I rarely do these things in my home city, so I’m trying to take greater advantage of all the museums and theatre that we do have.

    12. Gene*

      I do a couple of things that get me out of the house. Others have mentioned Pokemon Go, I also play Ingress, which more team based.

      The other thing is that I flag at car races. It gets me to the track without the cost that I was incurring when I was racing my formula car. And it allows others to race; without enough stations manned, the races don’t happen. So I’m giving back for when volunteers allowed me to race. Depending on where you are, the primary sanctioning body will likely be SCCA or NASA.

    13. SophieChotek*

      museums? some museums are free or have certain days of the months are free. Where I live if you go to the library you can check out a pass to get a free museum entry.

  54. nep*

    Anyone do ginger/lemon/honey ‘tea’? Just had some — quite soothing and nice.
    I drink lemon water (sometimes warm) first thing in the morning, but I’ve not been in the habit of the mixture with ginger. Curious as to what people’s experience with this combination has been — feel any better? Has it helped with cold or flu symptoms? Other?

    1. fposte*

      I love lemon teas/infusions, especially when I’m not feeling well. I don’t make it with actual lemons, because usually when I’m feeling like lemon tea cutting up fruit seems a daunting task. I love eating ginger, but for some reason it doesn’t charm me as much as a beverage. I think the benefits for me are mostly that of a hot liquid; the lemon’s just the bait to make me drink it. Ginger would probably up the effect, but I’d rather just eat some along with the tea :-).

      And it’s definitely tea season! One of my favorite parts of it.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I should think that would be a good immune system booster combination. I am finding that warm drinks help my organs to work better, especially the digestive track. I am not sure about colds or flu, I don’t get too much of that.

      I have been a fan of ginger tea for a long time. I feel comfortable offering it to people who I don’t know very well, it usually seems to be a big hit.

    3. MommaCat*

      My go-to “I have a cold” drink is lemon, honey, and cinnamon in hot water; it’s super cozy, and I got sick of ginger after a first trimester filled with it. ;-) It does help my throat and sinuses, at least for a bit, it hydrates, and makes me feel comforted. The honey is especially good for your throat, from what I understand.

    4. Dynamic Beige*

      When I was sick earlier this year, that is what I made a few times — hot water, fresh ginger slices, bit of honey, some drops of lemon essential oil to be kind to my teeth. It was better than I thought it would be.

      In years past, I have also bought something at an Asian food store. I’m not sure what it’s called in English and I can’t read the Chinese (Korean?) on the label, I just go by what seems to be in the jar, which looks like it’s full of marmalade. It could be Quince Tea, but it tastes kind of orange. Anyway, it’s like a cup of liquid sunshine, bright yellow-orange and makes a nice change from tea/hot chocolate in the winter.

        1. Dynamic Beige*

          Yes! I had the same issue, so I bought a small sieve that fits over the mouth of a mug, I put the Yuzu in the sieve and pour the hot water through that, until the level is in the sieve, mash it about with a spoon a bit. When I lift the sieve out, all the big bits are easily disposable into the compost pail.

          I’m going to have to make a note of that name, thanks!

    5. Shabu Shabu*

      My aunt just told me about an hour ago to make this exact concoction for my dad who has had a cold all week!

      Sounds tasty. I’ll have to report how he feels after drinking it.

    6. Emma*

      I hate lemon water, but if you add ginger it’s perfect. I don’t do it with honey, usually, as I’m not the biggest fan of sweet drinks. I occasionally toss in cinnamon or other spices for fun – not ground, though, as that tastes nasty.

      I just like to drink it. I have no idea if it has made me healthier.

  56. Pennalynn Lott*

    Does anyone have a dog with Addison’s disease? I’ll be taking mine in on Monday morning to get her checked for it, but so far she’s meeting almost all of the symptoms. Basically, she all of a sudden starting acting like some dogs do when fireworks are going off overhead. She is constantly anxious and fearful, when there has been zero change in her environment or diet.

    I guess I’m just hoping for happy endings. And stories about how to manage the condition, since it seems like there’s a lot of testing that happens (weekly?), and if any of that can be done at home.

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        I’ve got a Thundershirt (from a previous dog who used to get scared during storms and fireworks) and have tried it on her. It didn’t help. Her “fight-or-flight” system is amped up by the possible Addison’s.

        Addison’s disease causes a dysfunction in the adrenal glands. So the hormones that regulate stress (glucocorticoids and mineralocorticoids) are decreased, leaving the ones that cause stress (adrenaline) unchecked.

        We’re just limping along until Monday morning, hoping she doesn’t fall into an Addisonian crisis: “In an Addisonian crisis, the lack of adrenal hormones depletes sodium levels (hyponatremia) and body fluids (hypovolemia), resulting in potassium retention (hyperkalemia), bradycardia (slow heart rate), hypotension (low blood pressure), associated cardiac arrhythmias (abnormal heart beats), and collapse. In other diseases, hypovolemia and shock cause tachycardia (rapid pulse); in Addison’s, the pulse slows. Low blood sugar levels (hypoglycemia) can cause seizures. Vomiting and diarrhea are common.”

        She already has the vomiting and diarrhea. :-(

        1. Meag L*

          Is your dog a senior? My dog was displaying a lot of addison’s symptoms (in my opinion), but the vet ruled it out (I don’t remember what got to that conclusion) and he’s now taking a drug with SAM-e that really is helping him. Just some food for thought.

          1. Pennalynn Lott*

            We don’t know how old the dog is, because she came from a rescue org (who saved her from a hoarding situation). We’ll have the tests run tomorrow for Addison’s and if turns up negative, I’ll ask about SAM-e. Thanks, Meag!

  57. KR*

    Well the movers came and picked everything up yesterday. I have some furniture left thats getting donated and the rest to ship or put in my car for the cross country drive. I’m borrowing an air mattress from my parents and I’m currently missing my tempurpedic. The dog is happy he can get on my bed though.

  58. Mazzy*

    Can we talk gray hair? Now I’m wondering what it means when someone says they started to go grey by X age. Does that mean rapidly? That within, let’s say, two years, they were grey? Or does that usually refer to their first gray hair. Also, for others, did you have individual pieces go grey or did it start at the tips? Or can it even just start at the tips? I know this sounds dumb, but I’m having trouble even telling what color my hair is. I have maybe five different shades from platinum blond to dark brown, and I honestly can’t tell whether I’ve just had some platinum blond pop up, or if it’s actually gray. It’s kind of driving me crazy because I never realized how bad the lighting is wherever I go. But overall, I’m wondering what it would even mean – does it mean I’m going to be grey in a few years, did others just get one here and there? How long before you had large chunks of grey?

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      I think people talk about going gray as the age when they had to make a decision about dyeing or not dyeing it. I’ve had three or four hairs that grow in gray since I was a teen but I don’t consider myself gray. I probably wouldn’t even notice them if my base color weren’t so dark.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      The sun will turn gray hair blond. I got called blond this year for the first time in my life. I got some sun this year, boy.

      Gray hair can be genetic. It can be a family trait to gray around a given age.
      Gray hair can be a lack of nutrition. I remember a five year old with a round patch of gray hair on the side of his head. Docs read this as lack of nutrition, in some cases it could be child neglect.
      Sudden graying can be from shock/stress. When my husband got really sick my gray hair doubled almost over night.

      I started graying by the time I was 17. I believe the cause to be genetics and bad nutrition and stress. At first it was random and not very noticeable. By mid 30s I started coloring it. Before age 40 I gave up on that idea, I think roots look worse than totally gray hair. And i liked the idea that people did not let doors go in my face anymore when they saw the graying. (I guess I have a younger face and older hair.)

      Graying rapidly means different things to different people. I don’t know if it’s possible for you to give more context, if you can maybe we can figure out what they meant.

      From what I see graying starts at the roots, the whole hair comes out of the scalp as gray.

      It sounds to me like you got some sun and your hair started to change to blond.

      My hair was dark brown, almost black. For years I referred to my hair as calico because like you are saying, there were all these colors in it. My hair dresser says that the top goes gray first and the hair at the back of the head, that is covered by other hair goes gray last.
      I have been graying for 40 years and I am still not all gray. (But, yeah, mostly gray.)

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        There has to be a genetic component – Im almost 40 and no grey hair yet and mom said I got it from her side of the family. Her brother is almost 66 and there is just the smallest amount of grey hair just above his ears. He keeps himself trim and I swear you look through family photos for the last 20 years and he looks exactly the same. We do have a lot of red hair genes in the family too, though I didnt get that, and the more red haired folks seemed to not get grey until very late.

        I DO get one very small grey hair at the front of my forehead if I am stressed at work, but its easy enough to pluck!

        I think it can look great on some people to naturally grey over time, depending on the hair type. I have an acquaintance who has more kinky type hair follicles and the naturally greying just isnt working for her because the grey pattern is too random and it looks a bit “crazy cat lady” yet her hairstylist is telling her its not time to dye yet!

        1. fposte*

          There’s definitely genetics, both about age of onset and speed of greying. Some people are salt and pepper for decades; some people go to silver fast (craggy Gaels like Father Ted seem to do this). While it all happens at the follicle, it’s not just the exhaustion of pigment, as was previously thought; apparently your follicles actually generate some hydrogen peroxide and as you age the pigment blocks it less well. Which explains why blonde streaks tend to go grey before the rest of your hair–they’re more sensitive to the pigment loss.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            What about red hair? I keep hearing that redheads don’t go grey and instead just get sandier and sandier until they’re a sort of blondish, but I can’t seem to confirm it. So far at 43 my hair has not changed a bit, and I’m wondering what’s going to happen.

            1. fposte*

              Not seeing any details there–it’s usually considered that Caucasians grey earlier, Asian origin people later, and African origin people later still, but I don’t even know how rigorously that’s been demonstrated. If you type “greying redhead” into Google images you can definitely find redheads going grey, but it makes sense that people whose color is mostly from pheomelanin would dilute differently than people whose hair color is mostly from eumelanin.

              It’s fascinating to see how much science hasn’t pinned down yet on both greying and on hair-color genetics.

              2. Not So NewReader*

                See anything in there about Swedes? The Swedish side of my family had really pretty white (I do mean white) hair. I generally say gray because that is what most people call it, but it is actually white if you cut a sample and put it under good light. Once it all turns, not too many people will call it gray any more.

            2. Chaordic One*

              When my mother was younger she had auburn colored hair and a clear white complexion. (She was quite striking.) When I was a child I remember standing in line at a theater with my mother waiting to buy tickets and overhearing a couple behind us discussing my mother’s hair. One was certain that my mother’s hair was dyed, while the other one was certain that she wearing a wig.

              She’s 80 now and does not color her hair and it still looks reddish. As she has gotten older it became lighter and lighter in shade, to the point where it still reddish, but more of a pale strawberry blonde in color now. People regularly come up to her and ask her what what shade of color or what brand of hair color she uses.

              None of my siblings inherited our mother’s hair, but I do have a red-haired niece, so the genes are still in the family and you never know when they’ll pop up.

            3. zora*

              I think there are two different kinds of red hair, because my dad and several people in my family are red heads, but they are Irish redheads, very light red, and they all went grey very young. My dad started going grey at 18, was totally grey before he turned 30, and is now totally white.

              And I think the darker red hair seems to never go gray. So interesting!

            4. blackcat*

              My straight copper color hair is slowing turning auburn and curly. I am in my late 20s, and this started about 5 years ago. My grandmother got the sandy strawberry blonde as she got older (my mom got skipped–she had brown hair and started going grey in her mid 40s), and I had thought that’s what would happen to me.

              I had never heard of this darker, more curly type of “aging” red hair, but the one time I commented on it in front of students, one kid said “Oh, yeah, that happened to my dad. He has an auburn jew-fro, but his hair looks like yours in old pictures.” I blinked, and her eyes lit up, “OH! You’re going to look like Ms Frizzle! That’ll be awesome!” I was a science teacher, and the student was clearly amused by thinking of me as the driver of the magic school bus.

              So far, the change has been very, very slow. I am grateful for that.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I noticed my first grey hair at 28–that was about the time I started having hypothyroid symptoms. It was another few years before someone finally diagnosed it. Later, I read that premature grey can be one of the symptoms.

    3. Bobbie*

      My hair looks a different color every day, like it’s a mix of about 5 colors… I like the calico description above. For me going gray is when you start getting patches of gray. Often the first patch is near the ears. Wearing my hair in a bob, it means the front strands of the “swing” are gray – sort of a natural ombre effect, but vertical. But then I also have a Poltergeist streak in my bangs. My hair has been graying like this for several years and it’s still got a lot of brown in it. The process can take many years.

      1. Sadie Catie*

        Agree with Not So NewReader. I too have many shades from deep brown to platinum (front cowlicks, of course). I noticed the first gray or two in the platinum, but could only confirm once I noticed a slight texture change. They like to stick up and defy product. In the four or so years that I’ve noticed them, not much has changed other than getting a new one every now and again. I tell people jokingly I have named one after them if they stress me out. Hope that helps.

        1. Mazzy*

          Comments like this are helpful I was looking up hair going great at a young age well at least not at an older age and all of the comments were people who went gray very young and they were almost bragging “my hair went gray when I was 21” and that doesn’t really help me so it’s helpful to see people that got a gray hair and then it didn’t go completely gray right away or happened at what sounds like a more natural pace

    4. duck is right*

      I starting going grey in my 30’s as did my mother. Hers was more noticeable as her hair was much darker. For us the grey started at the front temples. It appeared as a streak on each side. My mother had been out of the country (dad was navy) for 2 years when she went grey. Her streaks were so well defined that when she came back people asked her if she had dyed it. Basically had just the streaks for 15 years before the rest got noticeably greying.

      1. Mazzy*

        Oh I actually think those look nice, stripes like that I’ve seen some very very young people though dying parts of their hair gray or with the stripes like that which in my mind sort of dilutes the impact hair patterns like that used to have

    5. Pennalynn Lott*

      I have had grey hairs here and there since my late teens. I have had previously grey hairs turn dark brown again, as evidenced by hairs that are dark on the tips, grey in the middle, and dark at the roots. (My hair comes down to the bottom of my ribs, so I have samples that have been growing for 2-3 years).

      I have wished for all-grey hair since I was in my 20’s but, alas, all I have now at age 50 is a pretty good streak on a bottom layer behind my right ear, and some random grey hairs sprinkled elsewhere.

      My mom didn’t go all-grey until her late 60’s, and my dad started dyeing his hair in his 40’s so I have no idea what, how much, or when his grey hair showed up.

  59. Whiny*

    Going anon for this because I’m afraid I sound whiny/immature, but I can’t help feeling hurt. I constantly feel left out by my family. Whether it be good news, bad news, or even just how they act towards each other, I always feel left out. The most recent example: my sister graduated from her master’s program last week and instead of inviting me, they said they didn’t want to invite me because they know I work long hours, even though they know I could have and would have gotten off work early. So instead, my parents went and celebrated my sister’s graduation with her boyfriend, who I also have never met before. He always comes around the house to hangout with my family, except for when I’m around.

    I moved out of my parents house at 18 and haven’t lived there for 8 years, so I see why my relationship with my parents would be a bit different than their relationship with my sister who still lives at home, but I don’t think that is a good reason to keep me out of the loop of major life events.

    I’ve brought this up to them before and they just brushed it off. I think I need to distance myself and stop calling or or visiting them. Why should I be the only one putting in effort? I don’t want to spend the upcoming holidays with my family even though they make a big deal of holidays. I know they’d be upset, but I think they’d be upset that their facebook pictures don’t show a happy family instead of being upset that I’m not there to spend the day with them. Why should I join them only when they “allow” me to? Ok, rant over. Thanks for listening (or reading).

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      Even if parents don’t pick favorites there’s usually one kid that they get along with better. It’s often the kid that has the fewest boundaries when it comes to his or her personal life.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Family can make the deepest wounds, no doubt about it.

      So tell me, if they invited you more often would that solve things for you or would you still feel uneasy/discomfort?

      In this particular example here, they were wrong to decide FOR you that you could not come. This is a very rude habit that people in close relationships can fall into. It’s rude, controlling and a number of other things. Maybe you can address just this part of the problem and see if you gain any inroads?

    3. fposte*

      Ouch; that would hurt.

      Some thoughts: when you say you’re putting in effort, you mean you’ve extended invitations to your sister and her boyfriend and they don’t come? Did you ask your sister about attending her graduation, or did you not know that she was even graduating because their loop has closed you out?

      John Gottman writes that in marriage you can get an isolation and distance cascade, and I’m wondering if that’s what’s happening here. You’re not on the scene, so they don’t realize you don’t know thing A and don’t think to invite you to thing B, and then you’re less inclined to *be* on the scene because you don’t feel included, and so forth.

      Whether that’s worth you putting out the energy to fix it right now, I don’t know. Sometimes it’s not the time for a repair but for self-care; sometimes a repair is for later and not now. But don’t skip the holidays with your parents to punish them–do it because you’re making a separate path that’s rewarding to you. So maybe start making plans for that.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        Along with this, if you always say no because $ThisReason, eventually people aren’t going to bother inviting you because they’ll expect to hear you can’t make it because of $ThisReason.

        Years ago, someone blew my mind when they said “we make time for the things we want to do.” I had never thought of it that way before. But now I think more along the lines of “we make time for the things that are important to us.” Because who *wants* to get a colonoscopy? Or have that really important talk that is going to hurt? No one *wants* that but sometimes, it’s important and so we do it.

        You may have been giving your family the impression that they are not as important to you as your job by always choosing that over them. Or, you may be right and they are more about the appearance of a happy family than behaving in ways that create and foster a happy family. I don’t know, they’re your family and you’ve been the one who has dealt with them for your whole life, I somehow doubt this is a new feeling for you. But yes, I know, being left out like that sucks. It was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn that family may be important to you, but that doesn’t automatically mean that you are important to family.

        So I think you have to seriously look at whether you have distanced yourself from your family, either accidentally or accidentally-on-purpose (because you needed to for your own mental well-being). There’s no reason at all that you couldn’t go out to dinner or for drinks with your sister — no parents… unless you’ve never been that close. You could have her and her boyfriend over to your place… unless you’ve never done that and are afraid it would be “weird”.

  60. Dynamic Beige*

    I often see people here asking the question “How does one make friends as an adult?” Usually because they’ve relocated for their job/career/life in general and no longer have a local support system.

    The person I mentioned above with the Sunday shared cooking is trying to develop something that would be a way to connect women for friendship/support. So far, it’s more of an idea (and I think a good one) than an actual movement but I’ve been helping where I can, which usually means with research or brainstorming. Having gone through a drastic change via divorce, she knows what it’s like to suddenly lose all your friends and she wants to do something about it to help other women who are in similar situations. But not only through divorce, she strongly believes in the power of women helping each other.

    Anyway, today she told me about something that I never knew existed. Many cities have a Newcomers’ Club. Which is exactly what it sounds like, if you’re new to an area, it’s a club you can join to meet other people who are in the same boat. Her mother joined one when she moved to a new town for her retirement.

    http://www.newcomersclub.com/ <– this is a directory for a lot of them, internationally. It doesn't look like it's being actively maintained, so some of the links may be broken. Also, their additional links, half are for moms (not that there's anything wrong with that, but it won't help you if you're single and childless).

    There is also a National Newcomers Association for Canada if you live there http://nnac.ca/

    I have no idea what kind of people go to these things in terms of age/sex/relationship status, but if it's free I don't think it would hurt to check out. Some of them seem to have clubs within the club, so you join and there are book clubs etc. which I guess means it might be kind of like Meetup in a way. If nothing else, it is another avenue to explore.

    2. katamia*

      Oh, that’s such a neat site. Thanks for sharing. I’ll be moving within the next year, and I’ll definitely check it out when I know where I’m going.

    3. Dynamic Beige*

      If anyone is still reading… and they might be interested in this idea my new friend-like person* has, you can find out more here http://www.revirescowoman.com/

      It’s early days, I did ask her permission to post it here. There’s only one Tribe so far (hers), if you’re interested in this concept, drop her a line through the site, I’m sure she would like to know if there are other people out there who want something like this. We were discussing yesterday how to scale it up beyond her, possibly through Meetup Pro, like http://www.boldbetties.com/

      There are other organisations we’ve stumbled across in our research, but I don’t want to make this a link-o-rama, so maybe next weekend (if anyone has interest) I’ll post them there.

      *I guess that’s part 2 of the “how do you make friends”, how do you know if someone is a friend? What is the criteria?

  61. Shabu Shabu*

    I’m sitting here thinking of what to write in my holiday cards for some friends…every year with out fail I have extreme writers block.

    I have been friends with these people for 10+ years!

    I start searching Pinterest and the web for inspiration because I just draw a blank. What I find is terrible! Who actually writes that junk?! Yet, I have yet to get past “Dear Jane,” LOL…so I guess
    I can’t complain.

    1. Emma*

      Ha, I know the feeling. I had a friend tell me once I never needed to sign the birthday cards I send her – she always knows it’s me because there’s one terse line about wishing her a happy birthday and nothing else. Fortunately, she knows I mean it and finds the whole thing hilarious.

      The worst part is, she’s one of those people who dashes off thoughtful multi-page handwritten letters to people at the drop of a hat. I told her she stole all my words so she gets the leftovers.

      1. Myrin*

        Oh god, I’m exactly like that. I’m actually pretty creative and it’s my job to be good with words but somehow, I always have a terribly hard time with cards and they only ever turn out nice and friendly but boring. My sister, on the other hand, is the queen of writing cards they’re so amazing and beautiful and I really can’t pull that off at all.

      2. Marcela*

        Hahahahaha, I loved your last sentence about stealing words. I’m going to tell DH that right now, so he can use it to explain to his mom why I’m the one sending letters and postcards, not him. Aaand that reminds me I haven’t written my cards for this year. They are going to arrive to the southern hemisphere by next March, ugh!

      3. catsAreCool*

        My cards always have something very short and basic on them – I get stuck when trying to think of something better.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve been using the standard “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” for a zillion years now, no matter who the card is going to. But I also don’t have a ton of friends that live far away. But, yeah, they still get the same thing. I guess I never even thought of making it more personal. I

  62. The Other Dawn*

    I posted last weekend about my cat who was peeing on the couch after a new addition to the household. We bought a wireless video camera so we can figure out who the culprit is. We caught her on the first night! And it’s who we thought it was. So I brought her to the vet yesterday and there are no health issues. I was kind of hoping for one because it’s usually easier to solve than a behavioral issue, but I’m glad she’s healthy.

    Vet suggested trying a calming collar for her and the new guy, so that’s what we’re doing. (Just have to say the markup on products at the vet office is ridiculous!) If it works I’m going to put the collars on a couple others. The feliway multi cat plugin seems to be helping a bit overall with the tension in the house between so many cats.

    Gotta say, the live feed on the video camera is strangely addicting.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Forgot to add that if none of this works, the next step is an anti-anxiety medication, which I think is necessary based on the video footage I’m seeing of her behavior.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Friends have a camera on their vacation home. The video caught a medium sized bear at the front door. lol.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Holy cow!! Were they surprised, or is that a regular occurrence in that area?

        Our house was built in 1735. The first night we had the camera I shut off the lights to test out the night vision. I saw so many specks of dust floating by (because multiple cats and dust) I decided to keep one light on. Not only because of the dust being distracting, but because those specks of dust looked just like orbs you see on those paranormal shows. I’m on the fence about supernatural stuff, but being that I live in an old house, I really didn’t want to play back night footage and see something I wasn’t expecting…

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Bears are to be expected in their area. I think the surprise was the camera capturing one so close to the front door. I am picturing going through months and months of footage and seeing nothing (she got used to seeing nothing) then ALL of the sudden this bear strolls up like a casual dude. Definitely a bear, not anything weird or supernatural.

          Yes, in that area bears will tear doors off of houses and ransack the kitchen. They can rip the door off a fridge. Dogs develop a particular bark that they only use when they know a bear is near by. This is handy for the owners.

    3. catsAreCool*

      Would it help if the “culprit” had a safe place to hide in or maybe was separated from the others, with site swapping, and then gradually got re-introduced? Jackson Galaxy sometimes recommends this.

  63. Myrin*

    I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that here but my family’s been looking for a new flat to move to for over a year now. And yesterday evening, I saw an awesome ad for a (at least from the outside) wonderful house in the paper (the address was printed there and I know which house that is; it’s only three minutes from where we live now), with an awesome price for the kind of location and space.

    And I wanted to call the owner this afternoon but looking at the ad again, I realised that it’s not a phone number but a friggin fax number! And we don’t have a fax anymore! And the thing is, if you google that number – which I always do because I want to know what I get myself into – it turns out the guy is an electrician and has a homepage which, among other things, lists his phone number. And now I’m like – I really want to get in contact with him; this is the first flat in ages both me and my sister could immediately get enthusiastic about (from the limited knowledge we have, of course). But, well, he probably did post only the fax number for a reason and I guess it would be creepy to just call when that number wasn’t stated in the paper so I’m not going to do it.

    But man, I’ve been waiting so long for an opportunity like this. I’m going to wallow in The Sad now.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Your library or store nearby may send a fax for you. Here they charge a dollar a page. Our town hall will even fax for people.

  64. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Had the office holiday party off-site in a fancy venue, it lasted till late night. *All* SOs were invited (e.g., could bring boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband), which was nice since there’s a mix of married couples, LTR (long term relationship couples) etc. Do companies generally do that? SO and I had an awesome time, and the food was amazing.

    And–SO finished schooling and starts a (higher-paying yay!) job! SO also hinted he was going to give me a present he thought I’d *really really* like. I’ve helped motivate him with cute care packages, etc. Between work and taking care of late-stage cancer family member this Xmas I’m exhausted/too tired to think. Though I do have a cubic zirconia necklace (stone nearly falling out, original chain broken) I wear all the time, he’s been staring at lol.

    What’s the coolest thing your SO has ever given you–unique to you? Not super pricey necessarily, but unique? Curious :)

    1. Sled dog mama*

      Coolest….I think my definition of cool is probably a little different. He set up a test drive of my dream car, 6 years later I still can’t afford it but man was it fun to drive and just confirmed I wanted it.

    2. Pennalynn Lott*

      The Rosetta Stone DVD package to learn Latin. Now if the world would only slow down long enough for me to use it!

    3. EmmaLou*

      Not the thing itself really but the way he got the thing. I had a favourite pricey fragrance that I’d found while out shopping with a girlfriend. I’d loved the scent but it was department store priced and we are more Target priced in our family. Every time we’d go to the mall, I’d use the tester and listen to the spiel from the lovely, pushy counter-woman and know that I was not going to be making a purchase, but I’d smell all pretty all the rest of the day. Well, my birthday comes around and Gasp! It’s a bottle of the perfume! “How… where did you get the money for this?!” (I know our budget!) “Don’t worry,” he said. “I earned it doing extra work.” “Oh!” He’d gone to his boss with an idea about returns. He spent his lunches (for weeks) repackaging stuff customers had returned so that it could be resold and they paid him a little extra for that time and work. And that was how he had the money for the perfume. It was many years ago and I’ve since found a new fragrance, but you can believe I still have that bottle. It meant so much that he worked so hard to buy me this little frivolous thing.

  65. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Something came up this week and I’m curious what others’ experiences are. My landlords (a married couple) refuse to give us their home address. In the scheme of things, this brings up what amounts to minor annoyances, but I find it really odd. This came up right after we moved in– they neglected to forward their mail (insert huge eye-roll here), and in the first 4 months or so of our tenancy, we got a ton of mail and even packages addressed to them. When we first got a bunch of mail, I emailed them and asked for their address so we could forward it, and they responded that they would come and pick it up, would we please leave it on the porch. We had to do that several times. Since then (we have lived here for 2.5 years), it’s the same drill. And I find it annoying and just downright odd. Their mail eventually dissipated into junk, so I just started tossing the junk mail.

    Early this week, we got mail addressed to the wife from a major government agency. (Why the hell this agency didn’t have her correct address is beyond me, but whatever.) I emailed the wife and told her about it, and again I asked for her address so I could forward it. I was told recently that she wasn’t working because she’s sick (that’s the general gist of why our landlords want to sell our house, which is a whole other story), so I figured she wouldn’t want to shlep over here and pick up a piece of mail. She said she would pick it up, so I left it outside, in a manila envelope with her name on it, attached to our mailbox. It sat outside for 4 days. She kept emailing me telling me she was busy, then that she forgot about it. I again offered to forward it to save her the trip. She came and picked it up on Friday.

    I’m just annoyed, probably unreasonably so. I don’t want to be responsible for her super important mail from a major government agency, but more than that, why be so damn cagey about something that’s a matter of public record? It just feels so weird to me. My previous landlords have always been forthcoming with their addresses (and that’s usually where I sent rent checks– this one insists on electronic deposits). With this latest mail, I considered just put it in an envelope and sending it to the address I found on the county tax records for the house. I’m not going to do that, because I want to respect their wishes, but… am I alone in finding this strange?

    1. Gala apple*

      Yeah that’s way sketch. In general it’s sketchy, but also sketchy specific to this situation- there are plenty of situations where you do need someone’s address!

      I might be tempted to return the mail back to the post office, with a note that the receiver no longer lives there

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        Yeah, it’s sketchy alright. If they want to keep this a business arrangement like what The Other Dawn said… they could get a PO box. For as long as you’ve been there Barksdale, unless you are some crazed nightmare of a tenant (which I doubt) or your landlords are super paranoid, surely they know by now that you’re not going to camp out on their lawn? A lot of tenants would have been sending the mail back long ago or throwing it out, not actively trying to get it to their landlord.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          That’s probably why I find it so odd– we bother them about nothing and the rent is always paid on time. So yeah, by now they should know we’re pretty decent and stable.

          I’ve said before that I don’t think they’re very bright, and I think this is part of that. “Someone said this should be a business relationship! Don’t give them any personal information!”

          Our last landlord was an attorney, very by-the-book, everything in writing. Not only did I have his address, we also got bottles of champagne every New Year and offers to reimburse us for postage if we had to forward any mail.

    2. BRR*

      I find I think strange too. At this point I’d probably just toss the junk mail and mark the real mail return to sender.

    3. Jessesgirl72*

      Yep, don’t feel obligated to deliver their mail any more. Mark everything “Return: No such person at address” and leave it for the mail carrier to take.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Eh, I know it’s not a perfect analogy, but you’re like their customer. They may be trying to keep it a business relationship, and they may have had issues with boundaries with tenants in the past: remember The Other Dawn’s nightmare tenant?

      It is odd, though, especially since where I live all property records are available and searchable online, including deeds and deeds in trust (mortgage filings).

      I agree with the other comments, I’d just stop trying so hard. You really don’t need to go to any trouble, the landlords have known their mail has been coming there for a really long time, they should have been handling it themselves without putting you out. I mean, if I liked them and had a good relationship with them I would probably do what you have been doing, but you’re under no obligation to do so. Now that you have the address, I’d just start forwarding or returning the mail, but then I have little patience for peoples’ hangups.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Being a landlord and going through what I went through, I’d probably err on the side of keeping my home address private. It’s a business arrangement. And when it comes to tenants (and landlords, to be fair) you just don’t know what might happen or who’s really living there (“who” as in the kind of personality there). My Tenant From Hell may have decided to have her friends or family come to my house and threaten me, since she was feeding everyone a dump trucks’ load worth of crap about the whole situation and was good at playing the victim. It truly was a fear of mine for a while. That said, though, I have a good tenant now and she has my address because I know she’s not a Crazy like the former tenant.

        Personally, I’d just let them know that you’ll be marking everything “return to sender” because it’s been 2+ years and you don’t want to be responsible for anything being lost or stolen while it sits outside, taped to the mailbox. I could see if it was less than 6 months, but 2 years is way beyond accommodating. My current tenant would let me know mail came and she’d hold it for me, but I don’t expect that now after all this time. Besides, I did the standard thing and had my mail forwarded. It was just stray things coming in here or there.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Sort of. We’re on the fence because he wants way more for the house than we can afford (and, frankly, what it’s worth). Also, to be honest, I just started a new job after four months of unemployment, and my energy has been wrapped up in that for the last week.

        2. acmx*

          You could get the house appraised to show him that he’s asking too much (but of course that’s not cheap). Do you have an RE agent you’re working with? S/he could pull comps and maybe that would help him lower the asking price?

          I hope it works out for you. Moving is such a hassle!

    6. Not Karen*

      While I understand the desire for privacy, seems weird to me. Isn’t the landlord’s address usually on the lease? Then again I’ve only rented from landlords who live or operate out of the same building/complex as my unit.

      Incidentally,

      Why the hell this agency didn’t have her correct address is beyond me

      The government can be pretty incompetent. The IRS once sent me a very important tax document at an address I hadn’t lived at for over two years. I had since filed taxes at my new address. The IRS website specifically states that one way to inform the IRS of a change of address is by filing taxes at the new address.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Oh, for sure. I would be surprised if it were anything else, especially since it was sent to her with her professional designation (as in, if she were a doctor, it would say, “Lady Landlord, MD”) and when I emailed her about it, her response made it sound like she was expecting it!

          I feel better about being annoyed now. I tend to get annoyed really easily with people who irritate me, so it’s kind of good to know that I’m not being irrational.

      2. Myrin*

        Yeah, I was thinking your second sentence. As with work, we sign contracts when you rent something here, and the landlord’s address absolutely needs to be on there (I mean, I don’t know what would happen if someone just didn’t fill it in but I’ve never heard of that; it’s just one of these things you do).

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Our lease doesn’t include it. The lease itself is a template. I don’t think he necessarily needed to include it by law or anything, especially since I pay him by electronic transfer.

      3. Emma*

        My brother, dad, and grandpa all have the same first name and last name. Different middle names, different SSNs, different birthdays and ages, live in different states. They constantly get sent each others’ tax documents and court papers, and my grandfather once got a notice from my brother’s high school congratulating him on his graduation.

      4. Jessesgirl72*

        Our last landlord had stuff forwarded, but for some reason, the property tax bill came to the house- the only thing, ever. We had their address, though, and dropped it in their mailbox on the way by their house, after texting to let them know. It was in no one’s best interest to have the house seized! ;)

      5. MsChanandlerBong*

        My husband continues to get local tax invoices from a municipality he has not lived in for nine years. We have sent copies of his driver’s license and his pay stubs to show that he does not live in that location (or even the same state) and that he pays local taxes in our new city. They cannot manage to update the info in their system. They also continue to address notices to Mr. Chanandler F. Bong despite the fact that his name is Chanandler G. Bong. Again, we have sent copies of his ID with the correct middle initial, and they just ignore it. They fix it every year so that he doesn’t owe anything, but then we get another notice a year later.

    7. LSP*

      Can’t the landlord take 5 mins and register a forwarding address with the post office? Is that service not available locally?

      We did this with our last apartment 11 months ago and we still get mail forwarded to our new address!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        One would think! I have done that every time I moved. It’s something my parents told me to do when I first moved out on my own. They never did it. Why? Because they probably have no idea that they should. Hence my eye roll. :)

        1. Jessesgirl72*

          Or because they are dodging creditors and/or those government agencies.

          The USPS does sell your information when you fill out a change of address card, and the junk mail *IS* annoying, but no so annoying as someone else getting my mail!

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            Because I have a vivid imagination and I don’t like them, I did speculate that there was something nefarious about what was in the envelope. It wasn’t from the IRS or immigration (I’m pretty sure she’s not a US citizen), but it was from a pretty serious government agency that I wouldn’t want to get involved with.

            It’s probably not even close to anything sketchy or criminal or whatever. But we had fun wondering about it for a few days.

      2. Marcela*

        Well, we did that when we moved from Massachusetts to California. It was a full disaster. Not only it never worked for the full year we had it in place, and letters and packages were sent to our MA address and left in the lobby of our old building by our Usps carrier (and that in an university building where most people would stay for just a couple of years, so I’m sure we were not the only ones trying to forward our mail), but we could not cancel it or modify it in any way because it was always “being processed”. I don’t know what we will do next time we move.

    8. Rahera*

      I think if you let them know there’s mail, offer to readdress it, and are specifically asked to leave it on the porch for them, your responsibility for the safety of their mail ends there. You’re clearly respecting their wishes which is great. It’s up to them to organise themselves and collect their mail if they want to keep their new address private, and if they don’t want to pay for mail redirection or update their address with the senders…

    9. Mela*

      So I guess I’m the only person who would just use the internet to find out their address and forward it anyways? It’s not particularly hard, but I guess would come across as creepy. But then again, I wouldn’t care about that.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I thought about it. Three or four weeks ago, that’s probably what I would have done. But ever since they called me about selling the house (we just signed a new two-year lease with them), I’ve had a few interactions with them that make me extra conscious about being totally above board with all of our communication. Which is weird for me, because I have been above board, I just don’t want to give them any reason to be annoyed or upset with ME. It’s so weird and complicated.

      3. Temperance*

        I wouldn’t. As far as I’m concerned, putting one request in is more than fine. It’s on her if she loses out.

        I’m more concerned that this is an illegal rental.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Could it be that they keep moving and do not want you to know that they have made a few moves since they left this house?

      Maybe you could send her an email saying that you are upset that a check sat outside for days. You feel a heavy duty of responsibility and you need to find another way of dealing with things. Then say you are thinking about just bringing it to the post office if this happens again. Settle back and see what she says.

    11. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

      Meh, I don’t find it strange they want to keep their personal address private. They probably want to keep it private as policy (one nice renter might be the next nightmare tenant).

      The mail forwarding is annoying, though. I’d probably just let them know I’d be sending everything back to the post office “Return to Sender: Not at this Address”.

  66. Be the Change*

    Wow, this thread sure took off. I hope someone sees this.

    I need to lose a few pounds and the South Beach diet is probably a good bet. It will also help my husband control his pre-diabetic tendencies. My husband, though, does not need to lose, in fact he needs to put on some muscle. He does not eat huge portions. Any ideas for accommodating all of these needs?

    …should probably talk to a nutritionist actually, but starting here for fun.

    1. fposte*

      Keep in mind a “nutritionist” is not a legally controlled term–everybody here could call themselves nutritionists. If you’re going for certification, a dietician is what you’d need, and I think with a medical condition in the mix that’s the best route.

      Other than that, I think South Beach seems pretty reasonable; if your husband’s cholesterol numbers are okay, maybe you can bump up the fat on his portions. (How does he feel about avocados?)

      1. Anon for this*

        +1/Thank you for bringing up the difference between a dietician and a nutritionist.

        I could call myself a nutritionist. I’m an unemployed 25-year-old with a B.A. in psychology, whose only education on nutrition has been health class and a couple of books, and whose professional experience with food was several weeks at a restaurant. Do you want to pay me for diet advice? No, no you do not.

    2. AdAgencyChick*

      How much do you exercise? I’ve been reading the Renaissance Periodization e-books lately and what they say about losing fat/adding muscle makes a lot of sense to me — that if you are just starting to do weight-bearing exercises, then you have a chance of both losing fat and gaining muscle at the same time, but for people who have been training for a long time, you have to pick one or the other. (Hence, the “periodization” — you alternate periods of fat loss, muscle addition, and maintenance to change your body composition over the long term.)

      If you are not doing heavy lifting, then South Beach or other low-carb options will probably work pretty well to take weight off, although the “carb flu” adjustment period can be pretty miserable.

      1. Mimmy*

        I’ve thought about doing the SB diet myself – my husband did it a number of years ago, and lost quite a bit of weight (which has since returned…) but was afraid of how I’d feel during the first part when you go entirely without carbs. What is the “carb flu” like?

        1. AdAgencyChick*

          For me I fatigue easily and am cranky all the time until my body gets used to the lower carbs. Usually this lasts about 3-5 days. Not fun.

  67. Nervous Accountant*

    I’m a little bummed and concerned, just got my blood tests results and my A1c went up by 2 points. I’m mystified and confused bc I was checking it consistently and my #s were good. I was really expecting it to go down. I was also more consistent with my medication and workouts and diets, so I’m pretty worried about this.
    I know my Dr’s advice will be to stop eating so…idk. ugh.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      If your daily numbers were good, your A1c should be good. Ask for a retest or ask the lab to double check their sample.

      The last blood sugar meter I knew was a decade ago. They have to be more savvy even now. Print out your dailies to show the doc that something weird is going on. Can the meter calculate an A1C? I can’t remember this stuff… sigh. If your meter can figure an A1C check to see if it differs from the lab results.

      This sounds like a lab mix up to me.

    3. Viktoria*

      I’m sorry to hear that! I have type 1 diabetes and my last a1c was also disappointing. I knew it was coming though- I have been burned out.

      Do you have type 1 or 2? From what you said, I’m guessing 2- correct me if i’m wrong. If you’ve been diligent about diet, exercise, and testing, you might need a meds adjustment or other adjustments in your care. It’s not your fault! Diabetes is hard!

      Also, do you see an endocrinologist or a gp? If it’s the latter, you might consider switching to an endo for your diabetes management. Unfortunately my experience has been that many GPs are not great at managing diabetes. :( good luck and chin up- it’s just a number, not a reflection on your character! Sending good bloods sugar vibes.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Thanks for the encouragement, it’s not a reflection on me, but it still worires me bc we’re trying to get pregnant.

        Originally I was diagnosed w type 2 at age 11, but my Dr said it’s been so badly controlled that it turned into type 1 (does that make sense??) so, i’d say type 1 I guess. Dr says the daily readings don’t tell much. I may bring this up again, having the blood drawn again… it was 7.4 2 months ago and went up to 7.6, I was so sure it was going to go down. Last year, when I started taking care of it, it went down to the 6 range with barely any effort.

        1. Viktoria*

          Shoot! That is discouraging to be sure. If there is a possibility you have Type 1 (or LADA, which is essentially just a slower-developing type 1), then there could be a lot going on between blood sugar tests that you aren’t seeing.

          There is also definitely some margin of error with a1c, I don’t know what it is, but the difference between 7.4 and 7.6 might not be statistically meaningful.

          Finally, and I apologize if this is overstepping, but the fact that your doctor has explained it as “turning into” type 1 due to being uncontrolled, sets off all kinds of alarm bells to me. That isn’t how diabetes works and if it does turn out that you have type 1, it is NOT your fault and not due to being uncontrolled, or anything else you could have done! Type 1 and LADA are autoimmune diseases that are completely out of our control.

          There are antibody tests that can be done to determine if you do have type 1 or LADA, and an endocrinologist would be better equipped to handle those. If you do have type 1 or LADA, and you’re not on insulin, that would explain the increase in A1C despite trying so hard to manage it. No one wants to go on insulin but if you need it, it’s better than any of the alternatives and tons of people I know with type 1 have had successful pregnancies.

          Anyway, enough with the unsolicited medical advice. It gets me in the guts because type 1 and LADA are frequently misdiagnosed and it sounds like your doctor is maybe making you feel bad about it. Blood sugar and A1C results are sometimes within our control, sometimes not– but either way you deserve compassion and good medical care. Good luck!

          1. Viktoria*

            ps if you want to chat more- feel free to email me at viktoria.in.chicago @ gmail . com

            I’m not an expert or anything – but I am plugged into some really useful online communities that have helped me a lot since my diagnosis (under 2 years ago) and would be happy to connect you there if you’d like. One useful website is tudiabetes dot org.

  68. Going anon*

    My SO and I both see the same hair stylist/colorist (he gets funky colors because that’s a perk of being in IT, I’m so envious). She has a chair at a small multi-service place; I use some of the other services as well. The owners are a lot of fun and we both enjoy going there. But now, our stylist is leaving. She told the owners she was quitting to take care of family, but she told us she was leaving to offer hair services out of her home (to be fair, she’s doing that so she can be at home instead of commuting to the salon).

    She’s trying to poach us as customers. On the one hand, she’s very skilled and can do all the trendy color stuff (like rainbow and ombre) beautifully. On the other hand, we don’t need that level of skill, plus the drive to her place would be over a half hour in normal traffic and 45 or so at the time of day we usually make our appointments.

    Feeling somewhat torn. We like her as a person and wish her great success (and eventually her own salon). We’ve always tipped heavily knowing she’s paying a big slice of her regular fee for chair rental. On the other hand, we like the salon owners more, and what our stylist is doing feels a bit underhanded (whispered conversations with us asking us to consider moving our business to her home operation).

    My SO and I discussed this and have decided to stay with the salon, but we still feel a bit guilty even though we’re sure our stylist will keep a lot of her other (and more complex) clients. No question, really, just musing about a first world problem…

    1. Sled dog mama*

      I have a different perspective I guess, your stylist is not employed by the salon she’s renting a space from them. I have followed my stylist through two moves but she’s always been above board about the fact that it was our choice and why she was moving. I think I would worry in your case that she’s going to be operating unlicensed out of her home and the owners have threatened to let the authorities know that.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Yup, I’ve followed stylists. Sometimes it hasn’t been easy– I remember calling my salon one day and finding out my favorite stylist left, but I was able to find her. She had actually called me to tell me but I missed the message. D’oh! I found her and stayed with her until I moved to another borough.

        What your stylist is doing seems kinda shady, though. People leave all the time for different salons for all kinds of reasons. There’s rarely a need to be so underhanded about it. That would put me off too. Also, if you really like the salon and your stylist’s skills are mediocre, I’d stay too.

    2. Dynamic Beige*

      Hmm… I don’t know how salons “work” exactly. Are they all essentially freelancers who rent chair space? Or are they employees, or a combo of both? Next time I get my hair done, I’m going to have to see if the guy will tell me if he’s a co-owner of the salon or a renter or what, he’s in all their photos/advertising. He did tell me how much his scissors cost and I just about had a heart attack. I had no idea. They also have a service that comes around and specially sharpens them, which isn’t cheap either, another thing I had no clue about.

      I was seeing a stylist for a long time and one day, *poof*, she was gone. It wasn’t a total surprise, she had commented more than once that she would rather live in BigExcitingCity and did move there, commuting back for her job. But, she never dropped the dime that she was going and where she could be found in future. I tried a few other stylists at the same place and just couldn’t find another one I liked.

      As a freelancer myself, I am not allowed to give out personal contact information to my clients’ clients. If I did so — and was caught — it would get ugly.

    3. copy run start*

      I followed a stylist to one salon, then she quit for another non-stylist job with no notice to me. (I showed up for my next appointment to find out she wasn’t there!) I picked up another stylist at the salon, but now she’s moved. All this over 3 years. So truly, I would not feel weird at all. Stylists move around all the time. Moving to her home is a risk and not everyone is going to be comfortable with that (I would not be), so I think it’d be expected she’d lose some clients and will need to build up others.

      For now I’m sticking with my salon and hoping there’s another decent stylist there. Though I am way overdue for a haircut and considering a set of clippers to just shear it all off at this point….

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      There are some pretty strict regulations when it comes to running a salon; that’s why so many people rent chairs at salons that other people own. I would also worry that her business wasn’t properly registered and the tax stuff wasn’t above board. I’m not a fan of people who cut corners to keep small illegal businesses afloat.

    5. Temperance*

      I don’t really like home salons, FWIW. I find the quality to be lacking, even if the individual stylist is skilled. That’s my .02, though. They never have the right equipment, and I always worry about insurance.

      1. Going anon*

        My first internal response was, “will she even have the right supplies to color hair properly?” I know the stylists, like chefs, maintain their own tools but don’t know who pays for the consumable supplies. High quality color can’t be cheap.

        We’re sticking with the salon despite any lingering feelings of guilt. Honestly, it really has been a novelty to see the same stylist for a couple years because I’m so used to traipsing off to those chain places with constant turnover. It’s a bit different when you not only know their name but their dog’s name!

        1. Temperance*

          Nope, and she might not be able to get the high quality stuff if she’s not attached to a salon. I know that at the salon I go to, they have a salesperson who comes to the salon and they buy from him. I doubt that Sally will have the same stuff.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      It’s business. I see what others have said about “shady” and tax/insurance concerns. Legit points. But this type of thing goes on ALL the time. I am pointing this out to give you more context; it’s not unusual at all.

      She asked you to follow her and your answer is no. That is fine, that is an answer. She knows she is going to lose some people and she does not get to pick who she loses. It’s one of the suckier points about her work and, yes, some people have left the field because of this stuff.

      Keep in mind some people will tell her yes and never follow through. It’s better to be honest at the start. Tell her you loved her work and you wish her the best.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Poor buddy!!! I hope he or she is better soon. There is a doggy flu going around some places. Sending lots of good vibes to you and the pupper.

  70. It's about a 6.*

    Question about chronic pain management,
    I have been dealing with chronic pain management for most of my life. Have been on various forms of NSAIDs and opioids over the years. Physical therapy, surgery, braces, acupuncture, crutches, message, diet, and meds. For the most part manageable- I have a job, a family, and have accepted limitations.

    Now- my pain med of choice Naprelan has been unavailable for 6 months. I have been to the joint specialist who referred me to a pain clinic. Pain clinic doctor has me trying meloxicam and Gabapentin 1 tab= 100mg.

    Its only been two days but…The Gabapentin puts me to sleep. The meloxicam makes me stupid and fatigued. Seriously, this feels like the ‘lost” weekend. Yes there is pain relief but I would rather have pain than be stupid. I can’t read, have a conversation, and I can’t even track a tv show. I would have to take a sick day tomorrow if I continue. I am messaging the dr. but has anyone on AAM experienced this kind of reaction?

    1. Confused Publisher*

      YES! After 3 days on Gabapentin, I came home from work one day and literally sat on the sofa for an hour and cried because I was so tired that my brain felt like cotton wool. Then I went to my doctor and told her I would rather pass out from the pain – which was why I’d been put on it in the first place – than lose who I was as a person entirely. (I too have a job, a family, a life… within limitations I’ve not always gracefully accepted).
      I’d rather not talk about the alternatives I’m working on with my doctor, but I do wish you the very very best with finding a better alternative too.

      1. It's about a 6.*

        I have cancelled tomorrow and am giving it one more day. Sent a message to the Dr. I appreciate that you said ” not always gracefully accepted” I guess that is me too. I do know that less pain means a better quality of life for me and mine. As well as less pain! I was told NOT to stop the Gabapentin without a consult with the doctor and I don’t expect to hear anything today.

    2. Bad Candidate*

      Meloxicam works well for me, I didn’t have that problem. But Gabapentin, yes. I also felt very “slow” on it. I felt like I hadn’t taken my thyroid meds for about 2 weeks. It was like thinking through mud. BUT it only lasted for a couple of days and once those passed, I was fine on it. In the end, it didn’t help, so I stopped taking it, but at least the side effect went away for the period my doctor insisted I try it.

      1. It's about a 6.*

        The Meloxicam is taking down the pain but making me stupid. Thanks. Our state has a trial of medical marijuana that supposedly has the “high” taken out of it.

    3. MsChanandlerBong*

      I had an awful time with gabapentin (I took it for neuralgia). It did take away the neuralgia, but it also made me extremely groggy. I was sleeping until 1:00 or 2:00 p.m. every day. Eventually, it made me so depressed that I nearly lost my car and house because my husband was out of work and I couldn’t manage to care about doing any work to make money (and I do not normally have depression). I went off of it, and my mood went back to normal. I’m taking something else for the neuralgia, and I feel so much better.

    4. Melody Pond*

      I actually use Gabapentin as a sleep aid for chronic insomnia. I have to take it a couple hours before I plan to sleep, but – yes, it does put me to sleep.

      Would it be possible to take them only a couple hours before bed every night?

    5. HannahS*

      I’m sorry to hear it! I’m on pregabalin for fibromyalgia and it gave me my life back with zero side effects. From what I hear from people (not a lot of people, because I hardly know anyone with chronic pain) that’s pretty unusual, and very lucky.

      1. It's about a 6.*

        heard from the dr. taking me off the gabapentin and will be trying something else. got into work for the afternoon shift.

  71. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I just have to share: during my unemployment, I picked up a job at a kitchen/cookware store (so I guess I wasn’t entirely unemployed, just very underemployed!). I’m doing a few more shifts in December– which means I still have a sweet discount. Yesterday, my bf and I went shopping and came home with a ton of great stuff, including a beautiful fluted pie dish I’ve had my eye on for a while. There is an apple pie in the oven right now and HOLY SCHNIKES this house smells amazing.

    1. Hear you*

      The upside and downside of working retail. Though when I worked at an upscale clothing store it was great to get a very nice discount on the clothes I wore when I got that first professional job.

  72. The Cosmic Avenger*

    EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

    Just got tickets to see John Cleese at the Strathmore!!! And Monty Python and the Holy Grail beforehand!

    2. periwinkle*

      Lucky you! Is the Strathmore showing Holy Grail or are you creating your own Double Bill of Awesomeness?

      Last concert I attended was Feist at the Strathmore. Love that venue.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        They’re showing Holy Grail at Strathmore first, then John Cleese is talking afterwards.

    3. Punkin*

      John Cleese is actually a featured speaker of the higher-ed software conference in Orlando next spring. This is the only time that I have actually been interested in going!

  73. emma2*

    Removed because work-related and this is the non-work thread. Please post on Friday’s (work-related) open thread instead.

  74. Lola*

    Removed because work-related and this is the non-work thread. Please post on Friday’s (work-related) open thread instead.

  76. Not So NewReader*

    It’s almost 9 pm on the east coast. How much snow do you have, did it stop yet and what state?

    It started here in NY about 30-45 minutes ago. The weather forecast said it would not start until 2 am. yep. okay.

    1. nep*

      I’m in the Midwest — looks like about eight or nine inches out there, and counting. It’s been constant all day and evening.
      Grateful for a warm home.

    2. Hear you*

      Fortunately in the southern part of PA. So dusting this morning and can basically expect rain tomorrow. I’m not ready for the snow.

    3. Cruciatus*

      I live in the northwestern part of PA in the snowbelt. I’d say we have a good foot (started Thursday morning), it’s still snowing, and the advisory doesn’t expire until 10am tomorrow. It’s been a long weekend inside, though I did get out briefly for little errands close to home. My drive home on Thursday was one of the most frightening I’ve had in a long time and I’ve lived here all my life. I hate that I have to take treacherous highways to get home. A 70 car pile up in my city that took 19 hours to clear made national news that night.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I saw that pile up. Stuff we live in terror of for sure. I hope you and yours were able to stay out of that.
        Sounds like you guys got really clobbered there.

    4. Jessesgirl72*

      I’m in Wisconsin. It finally stopped sometime in the last hour, after starting around 6pm last night. We got about 8″. Roads were fine this morning, but coming home around 2:30pm after singing with my church choir at an assisted living center was TREACHEROUS.

      But the snow is no big deal. The highs in the single digits we’re predicted to have Tues-Thursday is more miserable!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Thanks, all, it’s interesting to read what people are seeing and where. We ended up with around six inches, but it was greasy, slippery, like mentioned here. The roads cleared up fast because we had the advantage of an overnight snow with sun the next day.

Comments are closed.