weekend free-for-all – March 18-19, 2017

by Alison Green on March 18, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school. If you have a work question, you can email it to me or post it in the work-related open thread on Fridays.)

Recommendation of the week: The Miseducation of Cameron Post, by Emily Danforth.  Curtis Sittenfeld (who is also excellent!) described this as “if Holden Caulfield had been a gay girl from Montana, this is the story he might have told,” and that seems right.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,163 comments }

{ 1,163 comments… read them below }

  1. Searcher*

    Bermuda was a blast! We got stuck an extra two days because snow cancelled our flight…but there were worse places to be stuck for my birthday :)

      1. Searcher*

        Thank you!! I’m glad to be home though. It’s always nice to go away, but it’s just as nice to come home.

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      “It’s the job that’s never started as takes longest to finish” – J. R. R. Tolkien

    3. caledonia*

      Above all be the heroine of your life, not the victim. It will be a little messy but embrace the mess. It will be complicated but rejoice in the complications. It will not be anything like what you think it will be like but surprises are good for you.

      Nora Ephron
      Entries

    5. Dizzy Steinway*

      I like the one people were posting the other day about how you should only look in your neighbours bowl to check they have enough.

    6. The RO-Cat*

      “We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are” – attributed to Anais Nin, originally very old (Talmud, I’ve seen)

    8. Emi.*

      from Jane Eyre, when Mr. Awful Rochester asks Jane to be his mistress:

      [W]hile he spoke my very conscience and reason turned traitors against me, and charged me with crime in resisting him. They spoke almost as loud as Feeling: and that clamoured wildly. “Oh, comply!” it said. “Think of his misery; think of his danger—look at his state when left alone; remember his headlong nature; consider the recklessness following on despair—soothe him; save him; love him; tell him you love him and will be his. Who in the world cares for you? or who will be injured by what you do?”

      Still indomitable was the reply—“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad—as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth—so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane—quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.”

    9. Jean who seeks to be Ingenious (or perhaps to write Crime Fiction)*

      The world is a narrow bridge. The main thing is not to be afraid.
      –Nahum of Bratslav (a Chasidic rebbe)

      This has gotten me through some scary times.
      Yes, I’m posting this on Shabbos (sabbath). I’m not a completely traditional Jew.

      1. Becca*

        I love that quote!!!

        A lot of my favorite quotes come from Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkosigan Saga:
        – “In my experience,” he said, “the trouble with oaths of the form, death before dishonor, is that eventually, given enough time and abrasion, they separate the world into just two sorts of people: the dead, and the forsworn.”
        – “The tidal wave of anger that had hurled her here was receding, leaving her standing on a very bare shore indeed.”
        – “‘Did you see me recently? Which way did I go? Call the police!!!'”

        1. many bells down*

          “Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself. Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will … and outlive the bastards.”

    10. Florida*

      If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.
      – Yogi Bhajan

      1. Minerva McGonagall*

        This articulates so well the attitude I try to take towards my coworkers. It’s usually not about me – it’s about them.

    11. roseberriesmaybe*

      From Euripides’ Medea: “She is like a rock or wave of the sea
      when those who love her try to give advice;
      except that sometimes she lifts up her pallid face
      and mourns for her dear father,
      her country, and the home she betrayed
      to come here with this man who now holds her in contempt.”
      That line has stuck with me for years. Slightly less dark, though it also comes at a dark time in the play: “There ‘s no deep valley but near some great hill.” (John Webster, Duchess of Malfi)

    14. bunniferous*

      It’s a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.-O Brother Where Art Thou

    16. GirlwithaPearl*

      Women’s rights are human rights and human rights are women’s rights

      Hillary rodham clinton

    17. bluesboy*

      “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
      – Michael Jordan

    20. nep*

      Too many to count — but I like: What you don’t have cannot help you; what you do have needs no help.
      Also: There comes a time when all sense of separation is unbearable and that is grace.
      Heard both from Mooji.

    21. Jessesgirl72*

      The essential is invisible to the eyes. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly. – Antoine De Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince (my translation from the original French. The official translation changes words. )

    22. Charlie Q*

      “There is no shame in loving. It is the sign of a generous heart, and pain the price of an open soul.”
      Alison Croggon

    23. Camellia*

      Ultimate freedom is the right to choose our attitude. When we absorb our attitude we are slaves.
      –Viktor Frankl

    24. Seal*

      Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

      Mark Twain

    25. Elizabeth West*

      The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them. — Mark Twain
      And, something that goes along with that:
      If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t f*ck them. — John Waters

      Thinking about some of my exes made me realize how true that second one is.

    27. Elizabeth H.*

      You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. (Wayne Gretzky)
      When in doubt, don’t. (Anna Karenina, I love that these reverse each other)
      If you’re troubled by something outside yourself, it isn’t the thing itself it bothers you, but your opinion of it, and this opinion you have the power to revoke immediately. Marcus Aurelius

    28. Caledonia*

      “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” – Samuel Beckett (as seen on the arm of a top 5 tennis player and 3 time Grand Slam winner, Stan Wawrinka)

    29. Natalie*

      (I left the character name out of this quote because their death is a significant plot point.)

      “She shrank back through the narrow passage between this brief fabric of light and all the rest of what there is for us: the long waiting. Now she will wait the rest of the time. It will be exactly as long as the time that passed before she was born.”

      Barbara Kingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible

      1. Laura Beattie*

        Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
        I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

        Sarah Williams

    31. Rookie Manager*

      “Everything will be alright in the end, if it’s not alright, it’seems not the end.”

    32. New Bee*

      “I change myself, I change the world.” (Gloria Anzaldúa)

      “I tell my students, ‘When you get these jobs that you have been so brilliantly trained for, just remember that your real job is that if you are free, you need to free somebody else. If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else. This is not just a grab-bag candy game.” (Toni Morrison)

    34. bassclefchick*

      “Not even I wake up looking like Cindy Crawford” – Cindy Crawford. Not sure if she really said it, but it DOES put things in perspective.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I remind myself of that one every so often when I’m taking account of my appearance in the mirror; it really does make me feel better — thanks, Cindy! :-)

    35. Jillociraptor*

      Max: You know I have no political convictions. Can I help it if other people do?
      Captain von Trapp: Oh yes, you can help it. You must help it.
      – The Sound of Music

      1. SophieChotek*

        Great quote. I always wished they’d kept the song “No Way to Stop It” it in the film, though musically I don’t like it as much.

    36. Buggy Crispino*

      “Well that’s pretty but that don’t answer my question”
      – Carol Burnett Went with the Wind

    37. Mallows*

      “I do not entertain hypotheticals – the world as it is is vexing enough.” – from True Grit

    38. Amber Rose*

      “That we struggle does not diminish us, that we meet our struggles bravely is all the glory any of us will ever need.”

    39. Not Karen*

      No way I can pick a single favorite, but here’s a few:

      “My favorite parts of myself seem to make the least sense. All the cracks in my skin, they just let the light in.” – Icon For Hire, “Happy Hurts”

      “Only the most interesting people have stories they’re too afraid to tell.” – Liam Dryden

      Old man: Now you can see dead people as well.
      Pierre: How do we tell them apart from the living?
      Old man: It’s easy – the living, they are always in a hurry.
      – Les Jeux Sont Faits, by Jean-Paul Sartre (translated from the French)

    41. June*

      “Birth and death; strange because they are at the same time experiences and not experiences. We only know of them by report. We are all born, but we cannot remember what it was like. And death is coming even as birth has come, but, similarly, we do not know what it is like. Our final experience, like our first, is conjectural. We move between two darknesses… So let us think of people as starting life with an experience they forget and ending it with one which they anticipate but cannot understand.”
      – E. M. Forster

      “This is what you will be, they say, perhaps what you are: no more than the way light falls across a given space.”
      – Margaret Atwood

      “The earth is yours and the fullness thereof. Be kind, but be fierce.”
      – Winston Churchill

      And not so much a quote as a life philosophy: in a given situation, is it more important to be right, or to be kind?

    42. Green T*

      Whatever you are not changing, you are choosing.

      Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

      Happy is he who does good to others; miserable is he who expects good from others.

    43. Sydney*

      “I myself have never able to find out precisely what a feminist is. I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat” – Rebecca West

    44. Lady Julian*

      If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things – praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts – not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. C.S. Lewis, “On Living in an Atomic Age”

      1. Enya*

        Sorry, I forgot to add one of my favorites:
        “The art of conversation lies not only in saying the right thing at the right time, but in leaving unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”
        – John Charles Daly, host of “What’s My Line”

    46. A Person*

      “A person is a person through other persons.”

      – from a longer explanation by Desmond Tutu on the concept of Ubuntu:

      “Ubuntu […] speaks of the very essence of being human. [We] say […] “Hey, so-and-so has ubuntu.” Then you are generous, you are hospitable, you are friendly and caring and compassionate. You share what you have. It is to say, “My humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up, in yours.” We belong in a bundle of life. We say, “A person is a person through other persons.”

      […] A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed, or treated as if they were less than who they are.” ― Desmond Tutu, No Future Without Forgiveness

    47. SophieChotek*

      Oh my goodness…I could go on forever on this question.
      I keep a document of all my favorite quotes, from TV shows to “high” literature…

      But at this moment..I’ll pick the one…(I’ll quote it exactly, though I do realize it uses the more old-fashioned “he/him” construction to refer to “all people”…)

      To love anyone is to hope in him always. From the moment at which we begin to judge anyone, to limit our confidence in him, from the moment at which we identify him, and so reduce him to that, we cease to love him, and he ceases to be able to become better. We must dare to love him in a world that does not know how to love.
      (Unknown French priest, qtd. In Walking on Water)

    48. Haven't picked a username yet*

      “In the meantime the strike is over, with a remarkably low loss of life. All is quiet, they report, all is quiet.

      In the deserted harbour there is yet water that laps against the quays. In the dark and silent forest there is a leaf that falls. Behind the polished panelling the white ant eats away the wood. Nothing is ever quiet, except for fools.”

      Alan Paton, Cry, the Beloved Country

    49. many bells down*

      “All ships sink, sooner or later. But not today. Not today.” – Connie Willis, “Passage”

      “I base my fashion sense on what doesn’t itch.” – Gilda Radner

    51. DanaScully*

      “The white light streams down to be broken up by those human prisms into all the colors of the rainbow. Take your own color in the pattern and be just that.” ―Charles R. Brown

    52. oranges & lemons*

      Two related ones:

      “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” –Buckminster Fuller

      “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” –Audre Lorde

  3. Red Reader*

    I have spent the morning sitting in a waiting room while my fiancé has dental surgery, and yegods we are never using this office again. He was supposed to have the surgery a month ago, when they canceled it with literally three minutes notice (we were already in the parking lot when he got the call) – that day they told him the doc had called in sick. Two days later, the office manager told us the doc had quit three days before his appointment and they just hadn’t bothered to contact him to reschedule. But we’d already paid, so rather than hassle with starting the process over, we just rescheduled for today.

    This morning, I found out they lied to us about being able to call in his pain meds early so we could just pick those up on the way home. The receptionist is completely incompetent and keeps screaming personal medical questions at people across the crowded waiting room. Literally, she just yelled across the room to ask someone’s SSN, then when the woman got up to go to the desk to give it quietly, “You don’t have to get up, I can hear you from there.”

    I am just appalled.

    1. Rebecca*

      That is totally unacceptable. Haven’t they heard of HIPAA? I’m pretty sure yelling personal medical questions across a waiting room may run afoul of that. Plus, I wouldn’t want them to have my personal information at all if they’re that cavalier with it.

      Sounds like you should report them to your state board of dentistry, after you get your medical records and find a new dentist. If they are a participator in your insurance program, I’d report to them too.

      3. Observer*

        Another place where +1 would work.

        Seriously, though, I think that reporting these people is pretty much a no brainer.

    5. the gold digger*

      That is appalling. These people are horrible.

      I know it’s too late for you guys (and may not have been an option anyhow), but for any other readers, I suggest using the state dental school for complicated, expensive oral surgeries. I had a dental implant installed at the U of TN dental school. The two students had been practicing dentists for a few years before they returned for training in oral surgery. Every step was signed off by a professor (who was also a practicing oral surgeon), and it cost me $600 instead of the at least $4,000 it would have cost otherwise.

      I have also had two root canals at the Marquette College of Dentistry. $175. Boring, but not painful. Extremely competent grad students.

      1. Jean who seeks to be Ingenious (or perhaps to write Crime Fiction)*

        OMG! Thank you for this suggestion! I will pursue it since I’ve been deferring an implant precisely because I didn’t want to spend more $$ from savings.

      2. Hangry*

        Co-signed. I get all my dental work done at the local university dental school. They’re far more conscientious than my former arrogant dentists, and extremely affordable.

      3. Anonanners*

        Agreed. When I had to get my wisdom teeth out I didn’t have dental insurance. Went to the U of MN and they gave me free anesthesia for allowing them to Livestream the procedure to a lecture hall of dental students. Probably couldn’t have afforded more than local anesthesia otherwise, which may have prevented me from doing it at all….

      4. nep*

        I’ve often thought of doing this — I need a LOT of dental work done and I simply cannot afford it. My mouth is so bad, though, can’t bring myself to let anyone else look in there; it’s all I can do to go in for my cleaning and check-up with the dentist and hygienist I’ be seen for years. Time to check the ego and just do it.
        Thanks for the info/tips.

      5. Red Reader*

        That’s our plan for next time.

        Apparently they gave him his dose of triazolam (Halcion – a benzo with an amnesiac quality, the kind of thing where you aren’t allowed to operate machinery or sign legal documentation) and then while they were waiting for it to kick in, the doc spent the next hour trying to talk him into not going through with the surgery because they had other appointments booked that morning that would be less complex.

        There will definitely be complaints filed.

        2. Mallory Janis Ian*

          Good lord, what kind of claptrap operation are they running there!? (purposeful interrobang, because WTH?)

      6. ST*

        I agree with the dental school recommendation. I visited the med school dentist who diagnosed my cancer, and they had me seeing Med University specialists within the day.

    6. nep*

      Completely unacceptable, not to mention appalling.
      Hope everything goes well with the surgery.

        1. Minerva McGonagall*

          What an awful experience. I hope that the problems are limited to attitude and administration and the surgery was done competently.

    8. OlympiasEpiriot*

      Oh. My.

      Best of luck to the one having surgery AND to the one who’ll be taking care of them!

      How horrible to be there.

      1. Nicole*

        Exactly! We’ve stopped filling out those fields on medical forms and no one has said anything about it because they aren’t required.

        1. Mabel*

          I never give it out unless the need can be explained to me. Too much risk for identity theft.

        2. Max Kitty*

          I got into a tiff with a receptionist one time who insisted it was required. I told her, you have my insurance number and my credit card number, and that’s all you need. If you still say you require the SSN, then I will leave. I wasn’t forced to leave. :)

      3. iliadawry*

        Certain kinds of vision insurance use your social as your member ID, so that’s something to keep in mind.

          1. Searching*

            I believe privacy laws were strengthened to disallow the use of SSNs for insurance member IDs (except for Medicare and Medicaid). I remember at OldJob, we went through massive issuing of new alternate member IDs to comply with new regulations years ago.

            1. A Day at the Zoo*

              Actually, insurance companies are required by federal law to have ALL covered employees and their dependents SSNs. This is allow Medicare to chase done payments made by Medicare that should have been paid for by private insurance. And, some work done by oral surgeons is covered by medical insurance/Medicare.

              Employers stopped using SSNs as primary identifiers because the SSN was printed on the medical card and that put the employees at risk for ID theft but behind the scenes the carriers MUST have SSNs.

        1. Bry*

          In KY at least we require a SSN to be able to run a KASPER report of your controller substance prescriptions and in our office at least we won’t see you if we can’t run the KASPER.

      5. Medicare*

        Medicare does not pay for dental care. So, even if you are on Medicare, the dentist does not need your social security number!

    10. PharmacyTech*

      If the pain medication is a CII, the office probably couldn’t have called it in… but still, what an awful experience.

  4. Dr. KMnO4*

    A while back Alison recommended Commonwealth by Ann Patchett. I’d read and enjoyed most of Patchett’s other books so I picked that one up. It was good, though not my favorite of her works.

    Are there other Patchett fans out there? What are your faves of what she’s written?

    Of her novels, I’d rank them from my most liked to least liked thusly:
    1. Magician’s Assistant (partly because I can reread it often)
    2. Bel Canto (which I can’t reread because now I know how it ends)
    3. Run
    4. Taft
    5. State of Wonder
    6. Commonwealth
    7.-n. However many novels she ends up writing from now on
    n+1. Patron Saint of Liars (I can’t stand the main character, Rose)

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I loooove Patchett. Commonwealth wasn’t my favorite, either. I really enjoyed This is the Story of a Happy Marriage and Truth & Beauty. So, I suppose, I really love her as a memoir writer.

    2. steph*

      I liked Bel Canto a lot, and also Run. But honestly, it’s her nonfiction that I’ve enjoyed more recently. This is the Story of a Happy Marriage, which is a collection of essays. And Truth And Beauty, about her friendship with the poet Lucy Grealy.

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      I’ve read less of her nonfiction, but I did enjoy Truth and Beauty. She’s just a great writer.

    4. GirlwithaPearl*

      State of wonder was my first ever patchett novel and it blew. Me. Away. I reread it recently and was still enamored.

      Since then I’ve read a bunch more but not all of hers. I did like commonwealth a lot and I remember thinking I didn’t like bel canto much while I read it but then it couldn’t get out of my head so that must mean something.

      I haven’t tried Magicians Assistant but it sounds like I should?

      1. Dr. KMnO4*

        Try it! I was put off by the description on the jacket for quite a while but I loved it when I actually read it. And I enjoyed State of Wonder more than my list might make it seem – it was very good, but so (IMO) are the ones above it. The only book of hers I truly disliked was Patron Saint of Liars.

    5. Bluebell*

      Haven’t read Commonwealth yet but loved Bel Canto and Truth + Beauty. Started to read her work because it was recommended to me by Elizabeth McCracken, who used to be a librarian in my town.

    6. Owly*

      Commonwealth is sitting on my nightstand and 1 week overdue at the library. I just can’t force myself to finish it even though it isn’t terrible. I just don’t care about the story.

    7. Pat Benetardis*

      Bel Canto is my absolute favorite book of all time, ever. I also liked state of Womder a lot. The others I would put as solid 3 out of 5.

    8. Dang*

      I read patron saint of liars and didn’t like it at all. Wish I had read something else as an intro to AP.

  5. Grits McGee*

    Has anyone had success overcoming uncharacteristic seasonal exhaustion? I don’t know if it’s the crazy weather changes we’very been having in DC, daylight savings, or sinus issues, but I’ve just been waking up exhausted and groggy/confused all day. I’d rather not go to a Dr just yet since whenever this has come up in the past, none of the bloodwork has shown anything. Sleep hygiene is okay, but could probably be better.

    1. Rebecca*

      It’s worse for me in November when we move the clocks back one hour. I’d much rather have the daylight at the end of the day than in the beginning, especially in the Winter. I’ve felt out of sorts all week, and Tuesday’s snowstorm didn’t help matters. I was looking forward to getting outside today, but of course it’s 35 degrees, drizzly, and just grey and sad outside. Yuck. Hopefully once the sun comes out this will pass.

      Maybe you could get some extra sleep this weekend?

    2. Emi.*

      Are you sure it’s seasonal? Could your mattress need replacing? I was suddenly tired all the time, and getting a new mattress did the trick. My husband was also tired, so that tipped us off.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Do you have any seasonal allergies or say a build up of dust that could be causing maybe not noticeable breathing problems at night but enough low level congestion to make sleep not as refreshing? I had a friend who, once we cleaned her place that was unbelievably dusty (not to mention the low level hoarding she had going on and a lot of pet dander), finally stopped getting sinus issues and slept a lot better. Its amazing what cracks and crannies dust can get into.

      I do have to say, though, that the sun coming up earlier is making me wake up earlier, though not necessarily due to the light (we have heavy curtains). Maybe its just auto-awake now but I wake up bang on 5.30, rather than with my alarm at 6.30 so I guess I am ready for the clocks to change here in the UK! Such a hassle when you go to bed close to midnight.

    4. Hellanon*

      The Italians call it the “cambia stagione” – change of seasons – and go to the pharmacist for tonics or extra vitamins. Seriously, it’s a thing there, and I have been idly wondering if that’s what’s been going on with me and if I should look for a tonico or vitamin drops to help.

    5. GirlwithaPearl*

      My recent experiences with exhaustion have led to diagnoses of vitamin d and b12 deficiency and some serious seasonal and dust allergies. I recommend testing for all of that! Good luck.

    6. overeducated*

      I have been having a lot of headaches and exhaustion each time the weather suddenly swings warmer, and I am in your region. I have a history of seasonal allergies and headaches when it rains, so it could be what’s in the air or pressure changes or both. OTC meds help. My sympathies!

    8. Spice for this*

      Do you have any food allergies? Exhaustion or feeling groggy can be related to food allergies or overgrowth or candida/yeast.

  6. Dizzy Steinway*

    Inaccurate letter from a new/junior doctor has massively stressed me out.

    I have a rare health condition and see a specialist once a year. Normally I see an expert. This year I saw someone newer and was willing to give him a chance but I just got my copy of the letter and I’m completely infuriated. There are a number of inaccuracies e.g. it says Dizzy says her GP gives her a yearly ECG and this should continue. I did NOT say that. I said the specialist clinic had given me an ECG one time. It’s lots of stuff that isn’t earth shattering but just… I am so sick of always having to be the one explaining things. Normally this yearly appointment is my one chance to talk to someone who actually knows more about my condition than I do (as one in 20,000 people have it).

    I’ve written a polite email (copied to patient liaison) asking for a corrected letter to be sent. I just feel so stressed. It took years to get the right diagnosis and treatment and I thought I was done with this. Yeah, mistakes happen, but there’s a whole load and I’m just exhausted with it all.

    1. Jean who seeks to be Ingenious (or perhaps to write Crime Fiction)*

      Sympathetic rise in blood pressure on your behalf. It stinks when your clearly worded explanation of Situation gets completely fouled up as per the incoherent response of the other person/organization. It stinks even more when you have gone to considerable trouble to understand Situation well enough to explain it clearly to others.

      I hope the light bulb goes on in your specialist’s head, and soon.

    3. OlympiasEpiriot*

      Oh I feel you! And I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this stress.

      Internet-stranger hugs being sent your way.

    4. Mimmy*

      I’m all for giving new practitioners a chance, but I would be more comfortable with an expert for a less-common condition. Was this new doctor familiar with your type of condition? Do you see a different specialist every visit?

      I hope the letter is corrected to your satisfaction.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        I normally see the same specialist and I’m not sure this guy was knowledgable enough. Thanks for the vindication – I’ve asked to see an expert next time as it’s my only chance to talk with one.

    5. Vancouver Reader*

      Like you said, mistakes happen, as we are all human. However, when it comes to one’s health, you’d hope that specialist pays more attention than the average person. I hope things get resolved soon, being stressed out along with dealing with a condition cannot be good for your overall health.

    6. Gadfly*

      Ugh. Doctors (and staff!) who don’t listen are a huge irritation of mine right now. We just had to make a doctor’s office reword a note they had written for my husband (he developed nasty tendonitis in one knee and couldn’t drive for a few weeks while it was being treated and has a 35 mile/1 to 2 hr each way commute a few times a week.). We had asked clearly that it just be about the commute because he works from home also. They wrote to excuse him from all work.

      Meanwhile, I’m dealing with a recently diagnosed pituitary tumor and diabetes (and they are related, which makes the rest worst). I just had to reschedule my first follow-up since being put on meds out a week because they only scheduled a lab test to check on the tumor and not the diabetes. And I called and asked about that and the desk person clearly didn’t understand what I was asking and checked with the Dr and assured me that was right. When I went through the messaging system to ask when I should be following up regarding the diabetes she scheduled another lab and made me reschedule my appointment so there is time for the lab work. Because the office person hadn’t brought that up with her at all. Just “Gadfly wants to know if any other tests are needed?”. Grrrrr

  7. JenM*

    Hi all. I’m looking for some book recommendations. I’m specifically looking for well written, light reads. I’m definitely avoiding anything serious or anything with a depressing subject. Alison recently described a book as delightful and that’s exactly the feel I’m looking for. Also open to non-fiction or biographical. Thanks :)

    1. Emi.*

      Do you lik sci-fi/fantasy? I’ve found Terry Pratchet to be generally light-hearted. Going Postal was a lot of fun!

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        Interesting Times is one I enjoyed.

        Yes or no to chick lit? If yes, Alexandra Potter’s books are good fun.

      2. Sitch*

        My favorite is Mort, but the Death (he’s a benevolent character in Discworld for those not familiar) ones are my favorite, generally.

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      I liked Meg Cabot’s romance novels – She Went All the Way, Boy Meets Girl, The Boy Next Door, Every Boy’s Got One. And I agree with the Terry Pratchett recommendation.

      1. NotoriousMCG*

        I was just going to suggest Meg Cabot as well! I also love, love, love Sarah Dessen for really well done YA/teen fiction. If you’re open to fantasy and love series with badass women, check out Tamora Pierce. I love everything she sets in Tortall.

        1. Dr. KMnO4*

          Tamora Pierce- she wrote the Circle of Magic books! I love those! I haven’t read any of her other works, but the magic ones are really good. I loved that most of the important characters in Circle of Magic were girls/women.

          1. NotoriousMCG*

            Circle of Magic is great, but Tortall has my heart! There are five series based in Tortall and each features a different woman: The First Adventure – follows Alanna as she traded places with her twin brother so that she can train as a knight and he can study magic at the university (also TP’s first ever book) Wild Magic – follows Daine, a recently orphaned girl who gets work with a royal horsemistress and it becomes apparent that she has powerful wild magic with animals and she helps the realm in a war involving mythic creatures. Protector of the Small – follows Kel, the first female to openly study to be a knight (after Alanna proved they could and got the king to legalize it) and her standing up for the little guy everywhere. Then Trickster’s Choice – follows Alanna’s daughter in her dream to be a spy. Then the Beka Cooper books – follows her as she trains to be a Provost’s Guard (like a policeman/detective).

              1. NotoriousMCG*

                They’re great! I gave the Kel series to my friend when she commissioned as an officer in the army, and she quickly hunted down all of the other series because she loved them so much.

      2. ValaMalDoran*

        I love Meg Cabot. Her Heather Wells series is also great. Murder mysteries, but funny too.

        1. Dr. KMnO4*

          I enjoyed the Heather Wells series too, though I haven’t read Size 12 and Ready to Rock just yet. The will they/won’t they between Heather and the guy I think she ended up with was killing me for a while.

      3. Applesauced*

        If you don’t mind YA, her princess diaries series is very sweet. I read the first few when I was the target demographic, and last year realized there were a lot more in the series and read them as an adult- and they’re still good!

    3. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

      Mary Kay Andrews.
      Her novels are generally Southern-themed, and are lighthearted and pretty amusing. They are mostly standard romantic comedies.
      Also, the Shopaholic series by Sophie Kinsella. They are truly laugh-out-loud funny, but stop at Shopaholic & Sister. The same author has another novel not related to the Shopaholic series called The Undomestic Goddess, again, truly LOL-worthy. All of her novels are set in Great Britain.
      Last but not least, the 2 Bridget Jones novels. They are HILARIOUS.
      **Disclaimer: All of the works I’ve mentioned do feature some profanity, so I hope that’s not a dealbreaker.

    4. NaoNao*

      Oh boy have you come to the right crowd!

      Family drama:
      Modern Lovers by Emma Straub (so, so fun)
      Crazy Rich Asians and China Rich Girlfriend (very fluffy, beach read, happy ending, tons of fashion and jewels)
      Nicholas Coleridge is an author who I discovered and devoured his fiction–long, shaggy dog tales of the upper crust in England told with a lightly satiric hand, happy endings, sweet, lovable characters (especially “A much-married man”) and a good romp. Love!
      Katherine Tessaro writes historical fiction that is very fashion and beauty oriented (about perfumes, the high fashion industry in the 50’s, stuff like that). It’s not perfect (there’s something missing from them for me) but they are *very* enjoyable reads.
      Beatriz Williams: same. High fashion, high glamour historical fiction (a few serious plot points, but nothing sad). Again, something…stagey? false? about them but they are very readable and enjoyable for a lazy afternoon by the pool or a long train ride.
      Primates of Park Avenue. A slim book and nothing earth shattering here, but a dishy, “inside baseball” read about the upper crust of NYC. (I’m a shameless window peeper into the lives of the 1%)
      Swans of Fifth Avenue: marred by a strange stream of consciousness ending, and a few downbeat notes but I *loved* this. A true loving tribute to a bygone era, a zippy read, a dishy read, and just fun.
      Astonish me: (and Maggie Shipstead’s other book, The Seating Arrangements) UGH SO GOOD. This author writes *the exact books I want to read*. 1970’s ballet life in NYC? YASSS PLIZ! A wonderful, happy ending, a delicate and sharp portrait of love, just…a wonderful, wonderful book. I still think about it.
      The Knockoff: slightly shrill and bitchy in places (I didn’t love the “catfight” angle) but otherwise a terrific, and very well written, “Devil Wears Prada”–from the other side!!
      Plum Sykes is my ultimate indulgence read: SUPER fluffy NYC celebutantes read—not a drop of substance, pure sugar cane sugar! Very fun for those days when you need an escape from it all.

      Well…I have about 2000 more recs but that should get you started.
      Also *get thee on Goodreads*. When you click on, say “Astonish Me” you’ll see the gem of Goodreads: the “Readers also liked” section–that’s where I find my next book and my next, and my next….:)

      1. GirlwithaPearl*

        I LOVE much of Beatriz Williams work except then I read Overseas and now am traumatized by how insanely and inanely bad it was and am unsure I can ever give her mother chance!

      4. Teach*

        Primates of Park Ave was sooooo good! Interesting, a little snarky, and nosy. Great nonfiction.

    5. Perpetua*

      I like books with the same feel, and I’ve enjoyed books by Sarah Addison Allen, Kristan Higgins and Jennifer Crusie.

    6. NotoriousMCG*

      There’s also a historical fiction series about spies in the Napoleonic wars that is delightful, the plots of the books follow the historian who is researching the spies (and falling for a handsome descendent of one of them) and then whichever spy she is researching at the time (all of whom manage to also fall in love while she’s looking into them, surprise, surprise!) They’re written by Lauren Willig and the first is The Secret History of the Pink Carnation. They’re fun.

      1. NotoriousMCG*

        If you like memoirs, I loved Amy Poehler’s and it inspired me to watch Parks & Rec which was the best decision of my life. Anna Kendrick’s is also a fun one. Lauren Graham from Gilmore Girls also wrote a fictional book called ‘Someday, Someday, Maybe’ which was a good beach read for me.

        1. Perpetua*

          I second Amy Poehler’s book (I read it first before watching Parks & Rec or much of her work in general, and I think it’s a good book on its own, even if you’re not a fan; I did start watching P&R after that, fell completely in love with it and enjoyed the re-read of the book even more!), as well as Lauren Graham’s fiction book.

        2. Blue Anne*

          Tina Fey’s is amazing too, if you haven’t picked it up! I liked both, but I preferred Bossypants. (Weirdly my favorite bit in Tina Fey’s memoir was about… Amy Poehler.)

        3. AcidMeflux*

          And Rachel Dratch’s “Girl Walks into a Bar”. It’s a good complement to Tina’s and Amy’s books.

    7. Anonreader*

      I like the book, “Hillbilly Elegy” by JD Vance. The book not only open people’s eyes to the poverty experience in Appalachia US, but also on many factors that affects the people of the disadvantage that goes beyond lack of finances.

      The book is a biography of JD Vance’s life in Middletown, OH, where there is a large Appalachian community. He grew up in a economically disadvantaged because of his mother’s abusiveness, reckless spending, and unstable martial relationships. Fortunately, his grandparents were there to provide him a home, encouragement, and a rigorous requirement of commitment to school and work, that he was able to get the stability, self-discipline, and inspiration to complete high school, join the Marine Corps, graduate from college and law school, and eventually work his way to being professional class. JD introduces concepts such as “social capital” and “brain drain” to highlight factors that might make poverty hard to eradicate. Social capital being people connects one has through family, peers, etc. that provides guidance and advantage for professional growth. Many people in poverty don’t have good social capital and that can impact their outlook for their future. Brain Drain being that people that are educated left underdeveloped areas, which makes areas like Appalachia still lacking industrial investment and low growth of high-paying jobs. These led some people to feel discourage in their environment, feel less committed to school, and less likely to take responsibility for their finances.

      This book might be great not just about Apalachia, but about the complicated factors that goes into poverty and trying to move up away from poverty.

      1. Lady Julian*

        Hillbilly Elegy is great, but it’s not a light read!! :) It was instrumental in complicating my view of the “hillbilly” class in America, along with the policies & outreaches that support them and don’t support them; but it was a lot to process, and my heart hurt for Vance’s family.

        1. Gaia*

          While I haven’t read this book, it is always interesting how many people underestimate the complexity of the “hillbilly” class in this country. They are deeply complex with a culture and social norms all their own. They have unique needs and pressures and when they are reduced to “uneducated, uncultured and bigots” (as they so often are) they are deeply misunderstood.

          The same is true of the “redneck” class.

          1. Emi.*

            I would also say it complicated my view, although for me (not sure about Lady Julian) it was that I had very romantic notions about country folk with simple lives, steeped in community, tradition, and hard work (I know, I know).

            Can you explain the difference between “hillbillies” and “rednecks”? I sometimes see the terms used interchangeably but sometimes not. My impression is that both terms are generally pejorative, at least when used by outsiders–do you agree?

            1. Aurora Leigh*

              Not Gaia, but I always assumed the difference between redneck and hillbilly was mainly regional. Hillbillies being from Appalachia (hills) and redneck from the South (red dirt).

              I grew up in a pretty rural area in the midwest and money was tight for my family.

              Redneck is fine in country music songs and such where it’s about being proud of your roots and a shared background.

              It can be an insult, but around here anyway “white trash” is the real insult.

              1. Gaia*

                White trash is another one. It is used for white people who don’t fit into those other categories and are considered a low class either due to poor etiquette, low education, poverty and a general refusal to conform to social norms of the other classes.

            2. Gaia*

              Hillbillies are typically from Appalachia and rednecks are more from the Deep South. Both terms are intended to be pejorative when used by outsiders but have often been claimed by the cultures to use with a sense of pride.

              A good way to remember which is which is a “hillbilly” is literally someone that lived in the hills (mountains) and a “redneck” is someone who often worked the land (hence, the back of their neck was literally red). In both cases the name was given to the groups by the wealthier people in the community (those who lived in town, in the valley or didn’t work the land) as a way to denigrate those groups.

      2. Emi.*

        I’ve read part of it, and an interview with Vance, and I definitely second this recommendation … just not as a light-hearted or non-serious read.

      3. Mephyle*

        Suzette Haden Elgin (author of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense and related books, and of feminist science fiction) was a native Ozarker and a linguist (that is, not a person who speaks lots of languages, but an academic who studies the field of linguistics). She wrote (among many other things) about how the Appalachian dialect is not a degenerate form of English, but a dialect with its own rules and grammar.
        It might take a while to dig up these posts, but I think they were on her Livejournal blog called “Ozarque”.

    8. JenM*

      So many great responses already!! Thank you :) I do like sci fi/fantasy and LOVE Terry Pratchett. I haven’t read much Chick Lit but that just means there’s so much more to discover.

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        Have you ever read Don Callander’s Mancer series? They are well written and fun, but truly nothing bad ever happens to anyone in them!

      2. Aardvark*

        If you love Terry Pratchett, you might also like Christopher Moore (though I preferred his early stuff and haven’t liked his more recent books very much). I’m not sure if it really counts as a light read, but Nick Harkaway’s books have a similar vibe.

    10. Jessesgirl72*

      I like older books for that, before books had to have a “message”

      As long as you aren’t offended by different standards of society, I highly recommend Betty McDonald’s books (especially Onions in the Stew, but even the Plague and I is hilarious ) and Shirley Jackson’s non horror books- Life Among the Savages and Raising Demons. But I have always loved those old slice of life books.

    11. NotoriousMCG*

      Oh! And Betty Smith! Of course there is A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, but she also wrote other books called Maggie-Now, Joy in the Morning, and Tomorrow Will be Better. Joy in the Morning is my favorite of her lesser-known books. Follows a girl from Brooklyn who moves to the Midwest to marry her sweetheart who is in law school and their first year of marriage.

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        I don’t exactly consider A Tree Grows in Brooklyn as light “delightful” reading. ;)

        I love them, but….

        1. NotoriousMCG*

          Haha, it does have some tough themes, especially toward the beginning/middle, but it’s so full of hope and told through a perspective that’s so thoughtful and magical (the imagery of the little bowl on the librarian’s desk, the observations of the girls washing up before going out) it ultimately leaves me with a delightful feeling whenever I finish a re-read.

          But yes, Joy in the Morning is most definitely something I would recommend more for a consistently delightful read ;)

      2. Teach*

        I loved Joy in the Morning. My mom’s friend gave it to me in high school…I feel a re-read coming on.

    12. Root*

      Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is a favorite of mine, though if you consider the Earth getting demolished right off the bat to be serious or depressing then maybe give it a pass.

    13. Mephyle*

      For “delightful”, I can think of nothing better than Eva Ibbotson’s The Dragonfly Pool and her young adult books:
      • The Countess Below Stairs (aka The Secret Countess)
      • Magic Flutes (aka The Reluctant Heiress)
      • A Company of Swans
      • Madensky Square
      • The Morning Gift
      • A Song for Summer

      Second, anything and everything by D. E. Stevenson.

    14. TL -*

      P.G. Wodehouse – he has some anti-Semitic comments in some of his works (in passing reference to bit Jewish characters, I think?) but his Jeeves series is pure joy and delight.

      1. Anonymouse*

        Whenever I’m in the mood for something light, frothy and well-written, I pick up Wodehouse. The Jeeves and Wooster books are my favorite too; and you really don’t have to start at the beginning of the series – they are all pretty independent. Start from the ones he wrote in the late ’30s to early ’40s.

        Nancy Mitford is a complete delight, especially her Love in a Cold Climate series.

        And if you like mysteries, nothing (bar nothing) goes down as easily as an Agatha Christie. She is the Queen.

    15. Jen Erik*

      You’ve probably already read this if you like sci fi/fantasy – Connie Willis’ ‘To Say Nothing of The Dog’ – it’s a lighthearted time-travel , riffing off Jerome K Jerome’s ‘Three Men in a Boat’ but you can read one without being familiar with the other. You’ve also probably read Bujold, but on the off-chance you haven’t, ‘A Civil Campaign’ is a very lighthearted entry in her Vorkosigan series, and you could read it as a stand-alone. (The entire series is great, but that’s the one I’d call delightful.)
      I recently read Thirkell’s ‘The Brandons’ (might have been recommended here, I can’t remember) and it was also a light confection of a book. Which leads me to remember to include P.G. Wodehouse, who is the king of that kind of writing.
      Chick-lit wise, I think the first two of Bridget Jones’ Diaries are good – nothing like the films, really, and ‘the Edge of Reason’ properly makes me laugh. (But I wouldn’t call them delightful – good observational comic writing, but not charming enough to qualify as delightful.)

    16. Felicia*

      The Little old lady who broke all the rules is really fun. It’s also got two good sequels. It’s about elderly Swedish people who rob a bank to see if they can, and also because they think prison will be nice to than their retirement home

    17. Meredith*

      I just read Where’d you go, Bernadette? And the first few Spellman family mysteries on vacation. All light and funny.

    18. Undine*

      Alice Hoffman. She’s kind of a New England magical realism, with everything turning out well at the end.
      I really like the Lucia books by E. F. Benson. They’re written in the twenties or so — cattiness and social rivalry in an English village.

      1. DoDah*

        I love the Lucia books. A friend of mine calls them “the books where nothing ever happens…” So, caution if you need action-packed novels.

    19. NotoriousMCG*

      There’s also the All Creatures Grest and Small books by James Herriot about a country vet in England

      1. Windchime*

        Oh, this is an awesome suggestion. I’ve read them all many, many times and they’re such fun! Even though I know the stories by heart, I still giggle uncontrollably while reading these books. James Herriot just has a way with words and can make even the most ordinary experience (like chickens escaping their pen or having a fender-bender) seem hilarious.

    20. Applesauced*

      Nora Ephron was mention in the quote comments up thread – her essay collections are very good and lighthearted (some are, anyway)

    21. Kalica*

      I recommend everything by T. Kingfisher. Her heroines are very matter of fact and practical, there is gardening and all her characters are PEOPLE. Plus, she mostly writes in the realm of the fantastic, fairy tales where you can see the warts and the danger. She also writes for younger audiences under the name Ursula Vernon, and has a completed graphic novel out on the webs free to read call Digger so no initial cost there. Oh, there’s also a story she published on the web as a serial, each chapter put out a certain distance apart, about a girl who meets Baba Yaga outside her backdoor and gets sent to another world for an adventure called Summer In Orcus. Some of her stories have a bit of melancholy, but, never for long because the characters she writes HATES sitting around and feeling sorry for themselves when they can instead stand up and do something about it.

    22. A Person*

      Jeeves and Wooster by PG Wodehouse is my go-to for light reads; also good because a lot of them are short stories and even the books aren’t that long.

    23. Falling Diphthong*

      To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis. Screwball shenanigans with time traveling historians, who are stuck in a role sort of like minor office functionaries being told “we aren’t sending you because it makes sense; we’re sending you because the major donor insists that we do so and if we say no she’ll give our rival university the money.”

  8. Emi.*

    PSA to parents of adult children: When your son calls to inform you that the beloved lizard he’s had since childhood has died, the correct response is “I’m so sorry,” not “You killed our lizard?!?”

    If you mess this up, your daughter-in-law may forgive you. But she will not forget.

    2. pandq*

      Oh, ouch! When my son was about 18 he decided it was a good idea to let his beloved turtle out to roam the garage – never saw it again, even after we searched what seemed like every inch. Oh, was it hard not to say what I was thinking. Losing it was hard enough on him, and he felt totally responsible. Good lessons in consequences for him, I think.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I hear ya, Emi.

      In a similar vein when your adult niece calls to say her cat died, screaming into the phone and slamming the phone down makes one into a bigger tragedy than the cat.
      Just had to mention that.

    4. Hrovitnir*

      Eugh, I’m sorry. :(

      I’m about ready to strangle half of my partner’s family for thinking it’s totally appropriate to continuously tell us we have too many animals – and specifically, to say that to him while I’m away and he’s just had to put one of our dogs down. And that’s a big step down from your in-laws did.

    5. Liz in a Library*

      Ugh…reminds me of my bro-in-law’s comment to my husband when we had to put down our dying cat recently. “Hey, at least you’ve got fewer litter boxes to clean, ha ha!” Appreciate the empathy, buddy.

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      I’m so impressed they can share the bed! My two don’t believe the full size mattress is big enough for both of them. They mostly push each other off!

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        Hahaha!

        My cat doesn’t believe our king size bed is big enough for three. By which I mean one cat and two humans.

    2. Windchime*

      Yes, there is nothing more warm and cozy than a big pile of cats all happily sharing the bed.

  10. AvonLady Barksdale*

    House drama returns! The latest here is a confusing doozy: our landlord emailed asking to bring an appraiser by. I scratched my head at that, but whatever, and I told him that Friday was fine. He then wrote back to say he was trying to do a cash out refinance because he “really wants to keep the property lol”. (Can you tell how much that “lol” annoyed the crap out of me?) OK, whatever, dude. Then he changed the appointment day for the appraiser, also fine. THEN, that afternoon, after about two weeks of nothing, the real estate agent’s office asked if it was ok for two agents to come by the next day. I was pissed by the lack of notice, but it worked out for us, so I agreed.

    But I am so confused. I’m guessing that either our landlord hasn’t told his agent (an old friend of his!) that he is looking to refinance, or he HAS told her and she’s scrambling to get offers in. I suppose in the end it’s none of my business, but I feel like we’ve been put in the middle AND that we’re being jerked around. First we have to allow agents and buyers to come by, now appraisers too. Our landlord’s wife emailed me yesterday asking to come by this weekend and test their key because they’re not sure they have the right one (eyeroll), and I said no, that I’ll leave them a spare when they come by with the appraiser. I do not want to see them or deal with them “popping by” right now. I’m on my own this weekend and have been looking forward to undisturbed alone time for ages– plus I woke up this morning with a headache, so I really don’t want to deal with anyone.

    The gist of all of this, as far as I can tell, is that our landlord reallllly needs/wants a hefty chunk of money for his new house. He told me how much he hopes the house is appraised for so he can do the refinance, and he’ll be lucky to get it. I just think it’s super weird to look into this option NOW as opposed to five months ago when he decided to sell, because that way he wouldn’t have aggravated us (not that he cares) or had his agent/friend spend time and resources on selling this place. It’s not listed yet, from what I can tell, so at least he’s off the hook with that (I believe you have to wait 180 days for a house to be off the market before you can do a cash-out refi). Whenever we’ve needed anything from him, it takes forever to get a response, but once he wants something, we’re expected to jump to. Honestly, I’m just annoyed. Really, really, really annoyed.

    Oh, and apparently they’re moving, but will they give me their updated address? Doubtful. Sigh.

    1. MsChanandlerBong*

      I can empathize with what you’re going through. We used to live in a house that was on the market from the second we moved in. The landlord was nice about it (he gave us a two-year lease so that, if the house sold, we wouldn’t be kicked out right away), but it was still a pain. We’d get a call at 7:00 p.m. saying that someone would be coming at 8:30 a.m. to look at the house. I work from home, so it was always a big nuisance. People would interrupt me to ask me questions about the plumbing, the neighbors, and other mundane details. When the house finally sold, about 2.5 years after we moved in, the new landlords decided to use the garage as their storage area. They were always calling us to ask my husband to move our car out of the driveway so they could pull in with their van and unload furniture and whatnot. Then in the summer, they would use the house out back to clean up outdoor equipment. Turns out the spigot was on our water bill, so our bill would go up by $5 or $10 a month during the summer. The whole thing was just a pain in the behind.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Ugh. Definitely keep holding them to 24 hours notice, because they seem to keep pushing, and if you give in they’ll probably push even further.

      But at least if they refinance, that means they’re keeping it, and you get to stay, right?

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        We get to stay anyway. The lease conveys to whomever owns the house. We were kind of looking forward to getting new landlords!

        1. Joann Miller*

          The lease does transfer with a sale, but there are caveats–If you are month to month you can be terminated with 20-30 day notice, (depending on your state)This can also happen when your lease ends-you can be terminated or , most likely a rent raise. They also might buy the home to live in themselves and not want to be landlords., wait out your lease and then terminate your tenancy. Hopefully they are landlords and will be better ones- hope so!

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            We are not month-to-month, and yes, we’re fully prepared to move out when our lease terminates. Trust me, we’ve done a ton of research! I fully expect the new owners to want us out at the end of June 2018.

    3. Joann Miller*

      Your landlord might be selling the home-I own many rentals, and what is occurring is pretty standard before a sale with an occupied property– you do legally have the right to require 24-48 hours notice (depending upon your state) for anyone entering for showing to mortagees, insurance inspectors, real estate, brokers ( our lease has that clause written in) or for the landlord to enter (except in cases of emergency or abandonment). If they are coming in it has to be reasonable times-usually 9-5 . We send notice by certified mail or post on the home with a process server if we are entering ( or recently when we had an appraiser enter, ). Your landlord might not know the law, or is playing dumb, but you have rights pursuant to the landlord tenant law in your state for reasonable times of access–a landlord dropping by for anything is not reasonable-I have never in the 23 year as I have been a landlord shown up at any tenants door. A good response I have told my friends who are renters if a landlord skirts the law: “I did not lose my rights under the landlord tenant law when you became my landlord.” They will back right off, believe me . But they might be selling, and if they are be ready for buyers to come trooping through your home.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        They are selling– or, at least, that was the plan before this refi thing came up. There’s a lot of backstory* on this one that I didn’t feel like repeating! :) I’ve become very well-versed on my state’s landlord tenant laws, and unfortunately, the annoyance I’m experiencing doesn’t mean that they’ve done anything illegal or outside the bounds of the lease (yet). We’ve already had agents trooping through our home, I’m just pissed that now it’s agents + appraisers.

        *We’re 9 months into a 2nd 2-year lease, landlord wants to sell, hasn’t kept us informed of plans or process, hired an agent who doesn’t extend us much courtesy.

    4. LazyCat*

      Caveat 1 – I am suspicious by nature. Caveat 2 – I haven’t read all of your posts, just some (I read this at work on Sat during lunch).

      With that out of the way, is it possible your landlords are trying to be obnoxious enough to drive *you* to break the lease? I wonder this too because I’ve lived places where homes would sell for huge amounts for the land alone. (the houses would get torn down and a house would get built to the maximum allowed by code). Obviously the landlords jave more options if you’re not living there.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        My boyfriend brought that up, and yeah, we’ve thought about that. If that’s what he wants to do, then that’s too damn bad! We signed a two-year lease in good faith, which means we’re going to keep abiding by the lease no matter how annoying he is. I also think he’s not particularly intelligent (the landlord, not my boyfriend!), so I refuse, at this point, to attribute to malice what might be attributed to stupidity.

        He can get us out if he offers us a decent buyout, but because he wants so much money so badly, I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’m certainly not going to bring it up!

    5. namelesscommentater*

      You might look into how much accommodation you have to provide per your lease/local laws. I know in leases I’ve signed there’s been a 24 hour warning notice for any landlord entrance and specific language around showing to potential residents around our convenience towards the end of the lease term. I believe most jurisdictions also have laws against landlord interference with enjoyment of property.

      And you likely know this, but because I didn’t: document all of your things if strangers are in/out of your home and be sure to check for valuables after each entrance.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Done and documented!

        In our state, notice is tricky. Our lease calls for “reasonable” notice, and that is also the state law. There is no set time frame, but the local MLS recommends 24 hours. However, that’s not a law, simply a recommendation. We have a right to quiet enjoyment, but our lease requires us to allow access for showings with the aforementioned reasonable notice. Now, that said, if I had said no to the last showing, she probably wouldn’t have fought me on it.

        1. phil*

          You obviously don’t live in California. Her in The Golden State they do everything but specify the type size in the notice. But us tenants have lots of protection.

  11. Cruciatus*

    I hate that I’m bummed so much about my missing cell phone! I’m now That. Person. I got caught in a drift in my driveway on Wednesday night. I could barely open the door to get out and ran to the house. I think during the awkward moment of getting out of the car and sinking into the snow I lost my phone. I even retraced my steps but didn’t see it and then our plow guy arrived and pulled me out and, I’m assuming at this point, plowed the phone into the huge snow pile in our driveway (I don’t blame him a bit). I’ve spent a bit of time the last few days dismantling the wall of snow but no luck yet. I even have a metal detector borrowed from a family friend, but unfortunately the pile of snow is right at the edge of the cement driveway and onto the grass and apparently metal detectors are really sensitive around cement. I know I had the phone in the car for a few reasons (one being my Fitbit last synced at the time I was still in the car). I’ve already scoured the house/car/clothing. I know it’s just a phone and I have most everything saved, but I so very rarely lose things that I feel “off” about the whole thing. There are a few things all the way back to high school I still think about “what happened to that?” once in a while. Just needed to vent! Probably not a lot of advice unless you are practiced in the way of dismantling snow walls without ruining your back/body. Every shovelful of snow I’m hopeful I’ll spot it/a piece of it and I’m still weirdly optimistic I’ll find it but now the rain is starting so… Sigh. For many reasons this was not my favorite week at all, and this didn’t help.

    3. LCL*

      It’s probably water soaked and ruined now. It’s worth a try having someone come over with a working phone and walking the area, calling your phone repeatedly. Unless you do as my sister does, which is keeping the phone on silent.

    4. Cruciatus*

      Update! Oh my God! I found it! I went and just knocked a bit more snow down and was going to just go inside but decided to do one more sweep of the metal detector. It got a little excited and I wasn’t near cement so I dug and found it! It’s intact! It doesn’t seem too worse for the wear but is relaxing in some rice even though I actually think it’s fine. But it should probably come to room temps anyway so why not have it in rice anyway while waiting.

  12. Wedding Belle*

    I am in a wedding coming up in October. I’m happy to be in it, the bride is very anti-drama, and so forth, but I am dreading wearing the dress we picked out. I say we because they sent me photos when they went to try on dresses, but I live out of state, so I wasn’t able to try anything on with the rest of the group. The problem is that the dress is a lightweight chiffon. It’s fine for skinny people, but a bigger person really needs a stiffer fabric/more structure. What is worse is that my David’s Bridal location did not have the dress in anything near my size, so I was not even able to try it on. I put on the biggest size available, got stuck in it, and stood in the dressing room crying as my MIL tried to pry me out of it. I ended up ordering based on a dress I recently wore to a black-tie event. The clerk told me their sizing is pretty consistent, so if the dress from the formal event fit me well, then I should order the same size. The dress won’t be here until the end of May, and I am just hoping that it isn’t too hideous on me.

    The bummer is that the bride doesn’t really care if we all wear the same dress, but one of the other bridesmaids has a strong personality. She convinced the bride we should all wear the same thing. Of course, she’s the thinnest one of us by far, so she has no idea how it crushes your soul to have to stuff yourself into something that looks bad. When I got married, the bride for this wedding was one of my bridesmaids. She wasn’t comfortable in anything that didn’t cover her from neck to ankle, and the dress she liked wasn’t available in my selected color, so I changed my whole color scheme so that she would not have to pick something she didn’t like (I had two people wear my original color and two people wear the color of the dress she picked). I didn’t expect her to do that for me, but I really thought we’d be able to pick our own dress styles. It’s not easy to find something that flatters someone who is 4’10 with a big bust, someone who is 5’4 and slender all over, someone who is 5’11 and has no hips or bust, and someone who is 5’11 and has wide hips.

    1. NotoriousMCG*

      Oh shoot, that stinks :( for future weddings you’re part of you can suggest they look at Weddington Way. You can pick a fabric/color/designer and then all the bridesmaids can choose their own styles. That’s what I did for my wedding and my bridesmaids really liked it. Not expensive, either.

      1. Wedding Belle*

        Fortunately, she is my last single friend. If I go to any weddings in the future, they will be for my cousins–all of whom are much younger than me, so they wouldn’t be asking me to be in their bridal parties. That’s pretty much what I did for my wedding, too. I knew that it would be difficult to find a flattering dress for everyone. One of my friends had just had a baby, so she wanted something that would give her a bit more of a waist. She wore a tea-length dress with a ruched waist and thick shoulder straps. Bridesmaid #2 went with a floor-length gown that had spaghetti straps. Bridesmaid #3 went with a strapless, knee-length dress, and then my junior bridesmaid wore a long dress with a halter-style top.

        1. sheworkshardforthemoney*

          Wow, that sounds like my daughter’s wedding. She had 3 bridesmaids. One just had a baby and was nursing and had her baby weight. One was tiny with big breasts and the last one was almost 5’8″, My kid said this is the colour, choose a style that you like and flatters you. They all looked great. I really hate that cookie cutter look especially the sleeveless ones that flatter no one.

    2. Emi.*

      I’m sorry! Could you order a different style in the same color, and let the pushy bridesmaid jump in the lake? I mean, that’s pretty much the entire point of David’s Bridal bridesmaid dresses, no?

      1. Wedding Belle*

        Too late now. I already spent $150 on the dress! It would not go over well, either. The very first thing I said when my friend asked me to be a bridesmaid is, “Sure, as long as I can wear a jacket or wrap to cover my arms.” I get the feeling she’s annoyed that I am ruining the cohesive look by wearing a jacket, but I don’t care. I will not bare my arms in public.

        1. Emi.*

          Aw, bummer. But you’re a wedding party, not a military unit on parade! You’re there to be happy for her, not to be cohesive, yeesh.

          1. Wedding Belle*

            The good news is that it’s all uphill from here. My friend really does not care about things being fancy or making everything perfect. We asked her what she wants for her shower. She said she’s going to have it in her mother’s backyard. Okay, well what do you want us to do about food? Oh, people will just bring food. We’ll do a potluck. Fine with us! She’s definitely not going to freak out about any of the details, so it will be pretty low-key. Now, if the dress arrives at the end of May/early June, and it doesn’t fit, I don’t know what I’ll do. But I think it will be okay based on the dress I wore to the formal event. My MIL had to take in the bust a little bit, but she is a talented seamstress; she’ll be able to hem it for me, and she’s making me a custom wrap/jacket out of a bridesmaid’s dress that I bought on clearance for $29.99 (I bought it at David’s, so it’s the same exact color as our dress). It would cost way more to buy a pre-made jacket, so I think cutting up a dress to use the fabric is a good way to go. For the black-tie event, I bought four wraps on clearance for $6.99 each. They were the same color as my dress (also purchased at David’s Bridal). She used the fabric from the wraps to make me a custom-fitted jacket. Not bad for less than $28 in material!

            1. GirlwithaPearl*

              There’s something fundamentally embarrassing about a group of grown ass women wearing the same dress. Rock your jacket and ignore the bully bridesmaid and just be there for your friend.

    3. Candy*

      It won’t do a lot for structure, but wearing a slip underneath will certainly help in smoothing out the lines of the dress. A full-length silky slip — not tight shapewear — will make the dress drape and skim over your body nicely instead of clinging. Also, at least for me, that little extra layer makes me feel a lot more confident when I’m wearing really lightweight dresses.

      2. SaraV*

        And if you’re worried about possible static cling with the slip and the dress, rub some hand lotion on the slip. With an October wedding and drier air, that might become an issue.

    4. Hoorah*

      When I was a bridesmaid my friend dressed me to be identical as…the flower girls.

      Bright pink ballerina dresses looked adorable on a pair of 5 year old girls. Did not look great on me.

      My friend paid for it and this is what she wanted. So I sucked it up and smiled and told her it was lovely.

      Bridesmaids who like their dresses are the exception, I think. When someone else picks a fancy dress for you to wear it often doesn’t go that we’ll.

      1. Amadeo*

        I was less gracious to my sister when she asked me to be her maid of honor then showed me the dresses she’d picked out. A strapless knee length thing with a bubble-ish hem/bottom of the dress and a giant bow smack over one hip. I am about 5’5″, busty and curvy. I looked her in the eye and pointed to that dress and said ‘not just no, but hell no.”

        Fortunately she was pretty care-free about the whole thing and told me to pick something in the same color as the others. It was enough that I was even putting on a dress for her, as I never, ever wear them, so I guess you could call it meeting in the middle.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Grr. (When!) I get married, Ima solve this problem by having a really cool tiny wedding with NO attendants. Maybe a MOH and that’s it. And I will work out a color she can live with and she can wear whatever in that color. We’ll pick something nice out.

      1. Vanilla*

        I got married last year and did not have a wedding party partly because I didnt want to ask my friends to buy an expensive dress they would never wear again. My best friend actually cried tears of happiness because she was so thankful she didnt have to be a part of another wedding party full of drama. She has had more than her fair share of this kind of crap.

      2. Natalie*

        We did that – we each had one attendant (my cousin and my husband’s sister) as we needed someone to hold the rings and my bouquet, and two people have to witness the marriage license. We just let them pick their own dresses, and they were both beautiful and comfortable!

        Small weddings are great. I got to talk to everyone at mine!

      3. Becca*

        At my wedding, I just told the chief ladies in the wedding party (my mom, my brother and his fiancée, my husband’s mom and sister, and my best friend) not to wear brown or orange, and everyone was happy. BOOM, done. Lots of lovely, flattering outfits, and none of my least favorite colors! Everyone wins.

      4. Sydney Bristow*

        That’s what we did. No wedding party and our two best friends married us and we told them to wear whatever they wanted. So one wore a TARDIS dress and the other wore her favorite navy dress.

        My sisters and cousin knew that one of our wedding colors was pink so they all showed up in their own dresses in various shades of pink as a surprise!

        Add to that a bachelorette sleepover-type party complete with chinese food and champagne. And cotton candy at the wedding reception. Totally fun and without any clothing stress!

      5. MommaCat*

        Main reason I wanted my bridesmaids pick their own dresses was that I knew I wasn’t going to find a dress that looked good on everyone, since there were so many different body types involved. I just came up with some guidelines (blue, tea length, something you like), and they ended up looking great!

        1. Al Lo*

          My bridesmaids were dressed differently — 2 in black, 2 in silver. I had a few guidelines (shade of silver, length), but other than that, I let them pick what would be flattering. I was pretty involved in “approving” two of them; one of them was 5 days post-partum at my wedding, so purchased a dress that would have worked either as a maternity dress or immediately after; and the other one I think felt a little lost and actually wanted more guidance or restrictions!

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I went with the blue, tea length dress request also. I had a small wedding, so I just had a MOH. Later she said she was able to wear the dress for other things. Which was the point of having her pick it herself. She was antsy picking it out and I reminded her because of distance I would not see the dress until the day of, so whatever she came up with would be fine by me.
          She did a better job of picking something out than I ever would have.

    6. The Unkind Raven*

      My favorite wedding that I was ever in had the bride tell us to go to a department store and pick out any black cocktail dress we felt comfortable in. Everybody matched and the wedding “look” was chic without being matchy. It’s also the only bridesmaid’s dress I wore ever again (because I got to pick it out!).

      1. Natalie*

        When I was my cousin’s MOH we did something similar – we bought a bolt of fabric and each picked out a pattern we liked. I think they ended up being around $150 each and I wear that dress all the time.

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        I would have loved that, but a lot of people think black is “bad luck” for a wedding. I was going to wear a black dress to a friend’s rehearsal dinner, and her mother freaked out (she’s quite superstitious), so I wore something else.

    7. Gadfly*

      So I am not just larger, I am superfat. When my brother got married, his bride decided that my sister and I should wear this gauze, empire waist, baby pink dress. Never asked for input or did fittings with us. I would have advised her not to pick it, but did she want to listen? Noooooooooo. So I have about 9″ of cleavage on display in all of her pictures. Including at the LDS Temple.

      Worst part? She put her cousins in a cute a-line dress that would have been so much better. I found this out at the wedding

    8. Science!*

      I’m a bridesmaid in a wedding in July. The bride picked the color and length, rose gold metallic and floor length, but style is up to us. Problem for me is I’m currently 8 months pregnant and I’ll only be 2ish months post-partum and still breastfeeding. I won’t have any clue what size I’ll actually be by then, but since I’m short any dress I get will need to altered so I’ll have to order it soon without any chance to try it on.

      1. MommaCat*

        If you can, try to get something with a sash or something you can tie to cinch the dress smaller, possibly in a wrap-style if it works for you; that way, you can get away with getting a larger-sized dress. At about 2 months post-partum myself, I’m fitting into my early to mid-pregnancy clothes, if that helps you.

  13. Aurora Leigh*

    Hey guys! A couple weeks ago I asked y’all for first date tips.

    And it went really well! The most awkward moment was when a co-worker of mine was seated right next to us and told me to stop picking at my food. . .

    But it as really nice! We went out again the following weekend and this weekend I’m going to meet some of his friends for a movie night at his place.

    So, as a person who has NEVER had a romantic relationship of any kind, when do you start telling people that you’re seeing someone?

    I’ve told one friend beforehand (you know, in case I disappeared or something) and another friend (actually I can’t do the thing this weekend, plans! With a guy!)

    And at what point should I tell my mom?? Because I have no idea what her reaction will be, and if things don’t work out, her version of sympathy only makes me feel worse about myself, but putting it off too long doesn’t seem like a good idea either . . .

    Happy for any advice you’d like to offer on any of the above!

    1. Temperance*

      Being very gentle, my answer totally depends on your age/independence level. I wouldn’t let your mother know unless your relationship gets very serious, assuming that you’re in your twenties or thirties. Of course, if you live with her and/or are somehow financially dependent, you might need to let her know earlier.

      I pretty much didn’t involve my family in my romantic relationships unless the guy was serious enough to want to meet them, for some reason.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Well, I’m in my twemties, finacially independent and several hours away, but I don’t want to completely shut her out of my life. And I want to be the one to tell her, not have her finding out by hearing from another relative in my town. She’s actually a pretty good mom, she just struggles with the fact I’m an adult now and while her sympathy might be good for other people it doesn’t work for me.

        1. Temperance*

          I’m not sure it’s shutting her out not to involve her until you’re a bit more established as a couple. Especially if she’ll give you unsolicited advice and/or give you crap if things don’t work out.

          I should also clarify that I approach everything from a BOUNDARIES! standpoint, because of my issues with my own mom. She’s super controlling and thinks that she knows best, and she just … doesn’t.

          1. Aurora Leigh*

            I really appreciate the advice!

            I’ve read some of what you’ve posted about your mom on here and while my mom doesn’t rise (sink?) to near that level of overbearing she still needs boundaries.

            When I moved out (at 24, not unreasonably young) there was a lot of anger and guilt tripping and I think an underlying assumption I would give up and move back.

            It took several months (okay closer to a year) for all that to die down and we’re back to a fairly good place.

            So I think that maybe if I start giving her pieces of information slowly, I might deal with less crap or at least not all the crap at once.

            Sometimes it’s no fun being the firstborn lol!

            1. Natalie*

              Given that this is your goal, would it be easier to say you’re dating generally rather than “seeing someone”? To me, at least, “seeing someone” would make me think it’s serious and I should start remembering this person’s name and asking about them and such.

          2. Sunflower*

            I would shy away on mentioning it to her for a few reasons.

            1. You’re supposed to tell people things (like you’re dating someone) because you’re excited and want to share your happiness- not because you have to. I know family can be different but you should really only share it when YOU’RE comfortable and when you want to, as opposed to to avoid problems.
            2. Speaking of avoiding problems, do you see more issues coming up if you don’t tell her or if you have to tell her that it didn’t work out? With my mom, it’s just easier to have her think I’m not dating at all and that way I don’t have to deal with the ‘why couldn’t YOU make it work’ conversation.
            2. Since you haven’t dated much, do you know how you’re going to feel/react if it doesn’t work out? Sometimes I can brush it off but if it’s someone I was really interested in…well, I don’t take it well and I am way way too hard on myself. To have my mother piling it on me during one would most likely cause me to lose my mind.

            1. Troutwaxer*

              IMHO there’s a great deal to be said for discretion. Since this is your first serious attempt at a relationship, I’d keep quiet for a couple months. Generally relationships that make it through the first three months have a decent chance of working out – there’s enough energy invested and hopefully enough positive history to make it through your first argument… so that’s when you should start to talk about them. I’d say you should wait for three months before you mention a romantic partner to family in any terms more expressive than “I’m busy tonight.”

              Will you let us know how movie night went?

    2. NaoNao*

      Aww wub! twoo wub! :)

      When should you tell?

      For me:

      3 dates is “I’m seeing someone, we’ll see where it goes.” And maybe some details about Mr. Possible.
      5-10 dates is “my date” or “the guy I’m seeing” (usually!)
      After The Talk (the “are we seeing other people” talk) Mr. Possible is now My Boyfriend (Partner, Guy, Person, etc).
      FB official (or other social media) usually I give it 7-10 days after The Talk, because something about rushing onto social media 6 minutes after things Became Official seems a bit….teenage? Also I want to give myself time to savor my delicious little secret :)
      Usually after a year or so My Boyfriend is now known to everyone and becomes First Name again, only “First Name, my boyfriend” for new people, overly curious single men, or others who may not know.

      I have been “through”, at last count, 7000 men, so I have made tons of “announcements” and usually what I do is “set the stage” “Mom, I have great news! I’ve met someone really cool and it’s going well.” Kind of…nicely use NeuroLingusticProgramming (suggest the reaction you want with your language) in your email or phone call.

      Also, you don’t have to tell her until it’s quite serious! You can just wave off questions with a “there’s some possibilities in the mix, we’ll see.” and then subject change. Then when things are serious, you can simply say “Oh, btw, one of the guys I’ve been seeing and I made in official, and I’m so happy. We’re serious and he’s my BF now.”

      1. Temperance*

        OT, but I read your first line as “wub a lub a dub dub”, and thought you were making a reference to Rick and Morty.

      2. Troutwaxer*

        This sounds about right, but I wouldn’t tell family until after “the talk.” And don’t try polyamory (if you’re so inclined) until you’ve made a monogamous relationship fly a couple times, or for a long time.

        1. SCAnonibrarian*

          I don’t agree with this advice – In my experience, polyamory and monogamy are very different beasties, and success with one has no bearing on success with the other (and that runs both ways). If you are interested in exploring poly lifestyles, you NEED two things: partners who also enthusiastically want to be poly with you, and open and nearly obsessive communication between all the partners involved. That’s pretty much it.

    3. Perpetua*

      I think this all depends on your individual comfort levels. And independence, yes.

      I don’t think that you need to wait until you feel the relationship is very serious, because it also depends on the relationship you have with your mother. Even when you’re not living with your parents (and I’m assuming that you’re not in this comment, or at least that you’re mostly independent), if you’re close to them – and by close I don’t mean necessarily “uncomplicated”, just that you’re used to sharing most parts of your life with them – it can feel weird not to share something like this for too long.

      So, once again, there are no “shoulds”, just what feels good to you. Also, you can also choose how much you want to share! It can be nothing, just the fact that you’re dating, just the name, a lot of details or something in between… You can also stop the questioning at any point with “I’ll tell you more when I have something more to say, this is it for now”, or something along those lines.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Thanks! I am used to telling her most things.

        I just think there will might be some weird subtext about how she made some bad choices when she was young and kind be a little paranoid. Plus the fact that I met him online (and really there’s not a way to get around mentioning that) and she’s still pretty sure the internet is just creepy stalkers.

        I do feel like it’s a conversation I need to get out of the way soonish, if only to get her to slowly come around to the idea of me dating anyone at all.

        1. Perpetua*

          For what it’s worth, I think that you have a great deal of control over the conversation, because you can always choose your actions. That might sound obvious or self-helpy, but it really took me a while (including therapy) to fully comprehend that my mom’s (or anyone’s) feelings or words or attitudes were her own, and that they didn’t necessarily need to impact me that much.

          What I mean by that is, she can think that the internet = stalkers, she can express her paranoia or her fear for you, and you can say “I understand your fear, but I’m really fine” or “I’m sorry to hear that you feel that way” and end the conversation or move to another topic. I had this idea that if I could just make her see my point of view, we wouldn’t have to argue; or that I really needed to get her approval about something in order for it to be a good life decision, so it was quite a relief to realize that it wasn’t the case at all! You can agree to disagree. :)

          From what you’ve written above, I get the feeling that we might have somewhat similar moms. Although I’m an only child, so that adds another flavor to the relationship. ;) I think that my mom is a pretty great mom, but it wasn’t easy to separate myself from her. However, once I did that, and once I started enforcing boundaries as described above, it was much easier and our relationship is better. It’s much nicer to share something because I WANT to include her in my life, not out of obligation or fear.

    4. HannahS*

      I tell my mom about every date I go on (I’m in my mid-twenties) because we’re very close and she’s really non-judgmental. It fits into our conversations like, “How was your day?” “I had a date with Josh-from-the-internet at Starbucks-near-the-subway.” “How was it?.” “Eh. I don’t think I’ll see him again.” “OK.”

      So I think it really depends on your mom and your relationship with her. If you’re not sure of her reaction, I’d say give very few details in a “no big deal” kind of way, then see her reaction and go from there.

    5. Thlayli*

      Depends entirely on what you want. If you are comfortable sharing that your’re dating then share. If you’d rather wait till you’re officially “going steady” or “exclusive” or whatever they call it these days then wait.

      I personally tell everyone everything so I have no probs telling people when I have had a first date with a guy, but this only works coz I also have no probs telling stories about how I totally embarrassed myself and crashed and burned on on a second date or how the guy turned out to Be so totally wrong for me because of x.

      I know lots of people who prefer to wait till they are exclusive and official before telling anyone and I even know someone who never introduces her boyfriends to anyone till they are together a full year, which I personally think is bizarre but hey it’s her choice.

      He main thing is to make sure everyone is on the same page. Last thing you want is for your mum to think you are about to get engaged while your guy thinks you’re still in the getting to know you phase and has dates with 2 other girls lined up!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I’m kind of like this, with my friends–but I don’t like to tell my family anything because they always make way too big a deal of it when I give them cool news, like I’m five. “OH THAT’S SO GREAT HONEY GOOD JOB YAAAAAAAAAY!” I hate that so much.

        So I’d probably tell my friends I met someone and then not mention it again until I was ready to bring him to meet them. Family I don’t see but once a year or so, so they wouldn’t find out until we were engaged, probably.

    6. Sylvia*

      I’m glad it went well! I’m your age and also … inexperienced like you said in your earlier post. Good to hear it’s working out.

    7. chickabiddy*

      As someone who is closer to the mother side of this than the daughter’s (my own daughter is 15), I would not expect an “announcement” after two or three dates. If you are close to your mother and it comes up in conversation, mentioning that you started seeing a nice guy is fine and appropriate. Even though my daughter is much younger and not yet independent, I still don’t expect to know everything. (Parent stuff — I want to know where she is and who she is with, of course, but she does not have to tell me which of the people she is with gives her that butterfly feeling.)

      In other words, by all means, talk to her if you *want* to talk to her because you want to share your excitement or you want her perspective, but an adult child does not owe her parents an accounting of her budding romance.

    8. OlympiasEpiriot*

      My advice is to sit with your own thoughts and make lists how you think each option (telling all as it happens, telling nothing unless a marriage scheduled, and everything in-between) would go knowing yourself and her.

      Personally, looking back, not only I shouldn’t have gotten married, I certainly shouldn’t have told my mother it was happening. I didn’t tell her when I had a child. (Of course, that was easy, she had stopped contacting me and had moved abroad.)

      You seem to be a little at sea about this in a way where I’m not sure other’s experiences are going to be helpful. We’re here, though, for listening as you break it down for yourself if that’s helpful.

    9. Gaia*

      Well, I may be a bit of an outlier but I tend to not tell anyone…almost ever.

      I don’t “do” serious relationships (I have commitment issues. It is a Thing.) and I have this notion that unless it is at least somewhat serious (as in, you have discussed whether you are seeing other people and mutually decided upon an appropriate answer to that question) that other people don’t need to know.

    10. Aurora Leigh*

      *UPDATE*

      Thanks for all the replies, guys!

      I did decide to tell my mom by text tonight (which made it less awkward for me) when she asked what I did today. I’m glad I did, although who knows what the fallout may be, I decided to give her a chance and share a little.

      Because, and this the exciting part . . . He was able to get today off and so we met up this afternoon at a park and it turned into 6 hours of hanging out and talking. At the end of the evening he walked me to the car and asked if I’d like to make it official. So I officially have a boyfriend and a first kiss!!!!

      (Did not tell my mother that part . . . lol)

  14. BlueBasket*

    How do you let people down gently when you’re on the dating scene (ugh!) and just not that into them? Some people really don’t take it well, maybe I should use flashcards. I had a guy turn me down yesterday just by going silent, except for ‘uhhh….I don’t think we’re compatible…I gotta go’ DURING the date. I feel my delivery is a little better, but still, what’s your go-to turn down explanation?

    1. the gold digger*

      Mine was (I don’t use it now, as my husband really doesn’t like it when I date and this is an easy concession because I did not particularly enjoy dating), “I don’t see us having a future together.” But not during a date!

    2. neverjaunty*

      I like the Captain Awkward approach; something along the lines of “Thank you for the date, I don’t think we should go out again, but I wish you well.” And yep, a lot of people will React Poorly, because they are entitled, egotistical jackwagons. Just block ’em.

      1. Rewind*

        Best approach. Anyone who tries to logic or cajole you into another date after that is only confirming the “no” feeling. Double if you turn them down politely on a dating site and they respond with “you should get to know someone before you turn them down.” Cause heaven forbid I make a compatibility judgment based on a profile and initial messages!

        (Not bitter and exhausted by thirsty men who think my boundaries are there to be challenged. Not at all :-P )

    3. NaoNao*

      I generally end the date with a gentle “It was so good to meet you” with no hint that I’m going to call or email, and then if they email or whatever, I say “While it was so nice to meet you, I don’t feel that chemistry or “click” I need to feel to move forward. But I do wish you the best of luck out there!” Works okay.
      Some people won’t take it well no matter what. The key is to not give them anything to argue about. They can’t argue with chemistry or “that feeling” and the shorter the brush off, the better, IMHO.

      1. Vanilla*

        This is EXACTLY the script I used when I was dating and it was generally well-received. It’s polite but gets the message across.

    4. Natalie*

      Maybe it’s because I live in a place of rampant indirect communication, but when I was dating a few years ago the end-of-date conversation was always more “I had a good time, nice to meet you” and then we would text or message about a second date later. Which I loved, because I didn’t have to reject people face to face, and if we were both not feeling it, we could just not contact each other again.

    5. Dan*

      As a dude, I just stop calling. I won’t ignore an overture, but if I’ve made up my mind, I’m not going to reach out and volunteer, “Yeah, not feeling it, sorry.” However, if they reach out to me for one reason or another, I won’t ignore the message, and will extend the courtesy of a clean break.

    6. Troutwaxer*

      I’m probably a little out of date (53) but my norm would be that if I don’t go for the kiss goodbye, you’re out of luck. And if I go for the kiss goodbye and she doesn’t, I’m out of luck. That being said, my most recent “first date” was around 1990. If this is no longer the standard way of communicating such things, someone say so. I’d hate to be giving poor advice!

  15. Loopy*

    Currently sitting at the vets office and there are paper mache (spelling?!) animal heads on the wall. Like the way hunters mount them. They aren’t meant to look real (it’s not painted, just news print) but it’s an antelope and a rhino.

    Is it just me or is that a really odd decor choice for a vets office?

    2. babblemouth*

      Maybe they’re trying o send a positive message? Like “If animal heads is your preferred decor choice, there are non-deadly ways to make it happen!”

    3. Ruby*

      My vet has a wall of tatty vintage taxidermy animal heads. Everything has probably been dead at least sixty years. They get hats/accessories depending on the time of year.

      1. Loopy*

        Huh maybe it’s not that weird then? It just seemed extra weird because there’s photographs of the living animals all around the fake animal heads. Kind of an odd juxtaposition. I think I’d be more on board it was quirky vintage- hate getting real animals, actually O.O. This just feels like a fancy pants decor choice.

  16. Dizzy Steinway*

    So I’ve just discovered and binge-watched all of Designated Survivor (need… more… episodes…) and it’s inspired this question: who is your favourite ever fictional on-screen president? (So, not people playing real ones in biopics or faction.)

    I’m not sure anything beats Jed Bartlett for me…

    1. Temperance*

      President Thomas Whitmore in Independence Day. Nothing will ever be better than his speech for me. I still tear up every single time I watch it.

      1. FD*

        I think the amazing thing is that he manages to sell a speech that on paper, should not work. I mean, it’s so utterly cheesy, but yet he delivers it with so much conviction.

        1. bkanon*

          Every time I watch that speech, I am *raring* to get in a jet plane and go fight some aliens. The way he delivers it, yeah. It’s stirring.

        1. Rosemary*

          Yesssss and the mom and dad trapped in traffic at the end. That movie is not… relaxing… but damn do I love it to bits.

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      James Marshall in Air Force One for a few reasons:
      1. Played by my favorite actor of all time, Harrison Ford
      2. “Get off my plane!”

    5. bluesboy*

      I don’t remember the actor’s name, but the President in early series of 24. Successfully pulled off both ‘powerful world leader’ and ‘flawed human being’ at the same time.

    8. copy run start*

      Not a US President, but my favorite president is Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica (new version). That moment when she promises to go after Baltar with everything down to her eyeteeth? Gets me every time.

    11. Katie the Fed*

      Michael Douglas in the American President – it’s the movie that inspired the West Wing!

    12. caledonia*

      Bartlett for me but I also liked Danish fictional Prime minister Birgitte Nyborg from Borgen.

    14. Nerdgal*

      Secretary of State Elizabeth McCord, who became Acting President in one episode of “Madame Secretary, ” my favorite show.

      1. SophieChotek*

        That was a good episode. Loved the moment when she has to tell Morgan Freeman’s character she got an “A” in his class

    17. phil*

      I once worked on a sitcom starring George C. Scott as The President called-wait for it- Mr. President.
      That’s right, a sitcom. Costarred Madeline Kahn. I don’t remember the President’s name but he was George C. Scott! That’s my idea of a president.

      1. SophieChotek*

        Was waiting for someone to mention him. I really enjoy that movie and pull that out every once in a while.

    2. The RO-Cat*

      Not internet, they’re Alison’s housemates / houselords and ladies. Sometimes they are gracious enough to allow her to dole out advice to us – advice that they, of course, supervise and censor appropriately.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      They are mine! The weekly photos started when I was fostering Olive (the tortoiseshell one) when she was a tiny one-month-old kitten and her adorableness had to be shared, and then I just never stopped. The two orange ones are Sam and Lucy, and they are the senior residents. Olive and Eve (the grey one) were both originally fosters but we couldn’t part with them.

      1. soupmonger*

        They are gorgeous! We have two, and I love, love snoozing on the bed with the two of them. Torties are wonderful, and grey cats are magical. I do like the bum-to-bum of Sam and Lucy.

        Do you know Kyle http://www.mycatkyle.com/ ? Kyle is what the internet was made for.

      2. NoMoreMrFixit*

        If they’re typical cats then you belong to them! At least that’s how all of my cats saw our relationships over the years.

        1. soupmonger*

          I’m not sure ours actually want to own anything as lowly as a human. But the opposable thumbs are handy. I’m sure a cat theory of evolution is that humans evolved so that cats could eat cows.

      3. Christy*

        I’ve been wondering how long I’ve been reading AAM! Now I know it’s at least since 2013. Wow!

      4. gingerblue*

        Eve looks like she’s about two seconds from whapping the crouching cat’s head. I so love your weekly cat photos.

  18. Kate in Scotland*

    I want to thank AliceBD for recommending the podcast Sunday School Dropouts in this thread 2 weeks ago – I have been majorly binging on it! It is just the right balance of information, entertainment, and swearing.

  19. Augusta Sugarbean*

    Does anyone own an elliptical machine? Or use one on the regular? I have a treadmill and it’s okay but I wouldn’t mind having something else to exercise on. If it matters, I’m about 50 pounds overweight and have what is probably arthritis in one knee and broke my other leg several years ago which makes that knee tender sometimes. I also have plantar fasciitis in both feet. I can spend a little on an elliptical if it’s worth it and won’t aggravate my knee issues. My fitness goals are mostly just to stop feeling like garbage every day. To get there, I think I probably mostly need an aerobic workout and to lose weight. I’d love to hear about brands and/or features you like or don’t like. Thank you!

    1. FD*

      I use one regularly at the gym, a Precor model. I wouldn’t recommend it if you have knee issues. I find it gives me occasional knee soreness–nothing unbearable, but I have no complicating factors.

      Are you near a place that has water yoga or water-based workouts? Some of those are very aerobic and are easy on the joints.

      1. Bibliovore*

        we have one at home that is an eliptical reclining bicycle! I love it and I have hip issues , knee issues and planter fasciitis. I think it may have been around 3,000 delivered and installed.

        1. FD*

          That makes a lot of sense! The ones that we have at the gym are more upright, kind of like skiing, so I think that would put more strain on your knees.

    2. NotoriousMCG*

      Slightly adjacent to the question, but also be sure to balance your aerobic workouts with strength training! Your muscles support you in everything you do and balancing strength training and aerobic workouts has been proven to assist with quicker and more sustainable weight loss. Also helps prevent osteoporosis.

      Back to your question, I enjoy working out on an elliptical and it’s definitely lower-impact than a treadmill but still not ideal if you have joint issues. Water-based workouts would be great if you have access to a nearby pool.

    3. fposte*

      I love my elliptical. I go in phases with it, depending on what else is going on with me, but I’ve had it for something like 15 years now and definitely found it worth the expenditure. That being said, my expenditure was pretty low compared to what most of them go for.

    4. Hellanon*

      Can I ask you what kind of treadmill you bought? I am looking for a solid walking treadmill that won’t cost a fortune…

      1. Augusta Sugarbean*

        I bought a Sole F63 that was about $1000 at Dick’s Sporting Goods. I’ve had it for probably four years and it’s been pretty reliable (although admittedly not hard-used). The only think I don’t really like is the arm bar. I’m kind of clumsy and need to hold on for balance. I’m about 5’05” and they are a little high and forward for me. But I like it well enough.

    5. namelesscommentater*

      Everybody I know who is happy with their home workout equipment has gotten it second hand, so search craigslist/newspaper ads. There are more treadmills available second hand, but you might luck into an elliptical this way.

      As for ellipticals: they’re my choice at the gym. I’m a little overweight and have knee issues (unrelated to weight, but it certainly doesn’t help). I’ve used a variety of precor and never hurt my knee with them. I’ll use treadmills if they’re all that’s available, but can’t keep the pace I can on the elliptical at all, and switch in lots of walking, which makes the workouts take forever.

      I do try to switch in weights for legs at least 2x a week, and walk 5-6 miles a day outside of any workouts, which I think helps my “high heart rate” workout to not further damage my knee.

      In terms of feeling good, I find that good shoes and staying hydrated are two things that make me more likely to work out, and feel better on days when I don’t make it to the gym.

    6. Turtlewings*

      I don’t have any actual joint issues so YMMV, but I do personally find ellipticals more comfortable for my knees than treadmills. I really prefer ellipticals over treadmills in every way. I feel like I’m getting more “bang for my buck” re: effort and discomfort vs. results.

    7. mreasy*

      This is likely just me, but the elliptical aggaravates my plantar fasciitis more than other gym machines (I don’t have knee issues.) It’s still better for foot pain than running outside, though!

    8. Trixie*

      In addition to treadmills and elliptical machines, I’ll also use a step mill once a while.

    9. Windchime*

      I have a Sole elliptical that I’ve owned for close to 10 years. When I first bought it, I used it religiously and, along with changing my diet, I lost close to 60 pounds. Until recently, it has sat unused in my garage but I’ve got it up and running again. I think I paid around $1200 for it and I feel it was worth the money. You can get them cheaper at places like Sears, but this one is really solid and heavy and has a longer stride, which I need because I’m on the tall side.

      I recently started using it because I’ve been having lots of lower back pain and it is a low-impact way to get moving. The jury is still out whether or not it will help my back.

  20. Dear Liza Dear Liza*

    Anyone else watching BIG LITTLE LIES on HBO? I loved the book so I was wary, but I’m very much enjoying the series. I definitely have some quibbles about the changes, but I like how they’ve fleshed out Renata a bit.

    1. Emi.*

      I also loved the book, but I don’t have HBO. :,( I’m glad to hear a recommendation from someone who read the book, though! How much did they change besides the location (did that make a big difference?)?

      1. Dear Liza Dear Liza*

        The major story lines are the same. They added a subplot about the theatre Maddie works at that is meh, and took a twist in the last episode that I really don’t think is needed.

    3. NaoNao*

      I love it! It’s “appointment tv” for me and my next door neighbor. I think it’s *better* than the book in many ways (I wasn’t blown away by it as many other were) and I feel they really nailed the casting on all fronts.

  21. Zooey*

    A bit random, but for those who are married or in very long-term relationships, did you know you would end up with your SO when you first started dating?

    1. The RO-Cat*

      Nope, for me it was supposed to be a relly short-lived fling. We’re celebrating the 28-th year together this year.

      1. Trix*

        We’re not quite to year 28 yet (about five and a half), but same with me. He was supposed to be fun rebound guy. I was very annoyed when I fell in love with him. :-)

        1. The RO-Cat*

          I distinctly remember saying “Don’t fall in love with me, it’s just a one-night stand”. Guess who fell in love in the morning? :-)

        2. Bethlam*

          Mine was also supposed to be the fun rebound guy; never in a million years did I think it would be permanent. That was 42 years ago.

      2. Anon scientist*

        18 years! We both came to college with basically no romantic experience, started dating two months in, and independently thought, “ok, good, now I’ve got the first college relationship out of the way”. And then a few months later, “huh. Why would we ever break up?” And here we are!

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Yes, because once I set my mind to do something, it’s a forgone conclusion that things will happen a certain way. Helps me to get where I need to go, but also sets me up for disappointment sometimes. Plus, I tend to never see things as temporary or short-term. Like when I took my first job, I told myself that I would work there for a very long time and I did.

    3. Confused Publisher*

      Before I met my husband, I was in a long-term relationship that lasted 8 years. Marriage never felt more than a distant hypothetical for me at any point during those years.
      When I met my husband, we were married within 12 months of meeting. I think it was a combination of our personalities and our life plans and the timing – everything, really! – just gelling, and we both just knew.

      1. Natalie*

        Weird, relationship semi-twin! My last relationship before my marriage was eight years and we always viewed marriage as a logistical thing only (for insurance or whatever). After we broke up I dated around and got engaged to my now-husband at around 18 months of dating. We were married a little after our 2 year mark.

        For the OP, I wouldn’t say I knew at the first date, but I felt really positive about it early on. I think we were discussing marriage around 8-9 months in.

    4. Dr. KMnO4*

      Nope! We went into it thinking it was just a temporary thing and it ended up lasting! Nearly five years now, and newlyweds for almost 3 months!

    5. Jean who seeks to be Ingenious (or perhaps to write Crime Fiction)*

      We never got around to saying “goodbye” even though at the time I was moving out of town. In other words, there never came a time when either one of us thought or said “This is it, I don’t see us having a future together (to quote The Gold Digger above), and thus I’m outta here.” With other people I always reached that point of “Enough! This isn’t working.” I hope this helps.

      To finish my personal narrative, SO and I got serious after a few more months of long-distance dating. When we married, I moved back to the original location.

      1. Jean who seeks to be Ingenious (or perhaps to write Crime Fiction)*

        Gah! I just noticed that my moniker was still carrying the parenthetical comment that was meant to apply to just one past comment.
        This must be the online equivalent of walking out of the public restroom with toilet paper stuck to the sole of one shoe. (Blushes.)

    6. NotoriousMCG*

      I’m also in the camp of people who ended up marrying their fling. Hubs and I met during my winter break from college through a mutual friend and hadn’t planned to continue anything after I went back to school. But then we did…and kept going.

    7. Rovannen*

      No, I thought he was a nice guy and fun to hang out with him. One year later, our relationship took a serious turn. We’ve been married for 34 years and going strong.

    8. FDCA In Canada*

      Not even close. I thought we would just hang out for a couple of weeks (and after our first date, my now-husband told me he watched me leave and thought “Well, I’ll never hear from her again). But we just kept talking and hanging out, a year later we were engaged and ten months after that we were married. It was a surprise to both of us.

    9. really*

      No. Went on four dates in college and then got back together with an old boyfriend. I moved for graduate school and visited him once and when I got back told a friend that he had indicated interest in me. I told her he would be the last person I would ever marry. We stayed friends though and our parents lived near each other so saw each other occasionally when he was in town. We married almost 8 years after we met and about 4 years after that conversation. Except for the 4 dates in college we never officially dated again, just hung out and did things with friends. We will celebrate our 34th anniversary this year.

    10. Anonand*

      I thought he would be someone I could love before I met him, based on his friend’s description. The night we met, I saw him and I heard a voice in my head say, “This is your future.” I knew that getting married was a good idea when I knew that I always wanted to know him. I was right.

    11. Legalchef*

      We basically went from friends to old-married-couple overnight (he told me he loved me after 4 days), so it was pretty clear from early on that he was it.

    12. overeducated*

      No, I thought “he seems great so far, I wonder how long it will take me to notice red flags or get pet peeves.” The pet peeves didn’t show up until after a few years of marriage and infant induced sleep deprivation, which is kind of understandable. He says he knew right away though.

    13. Thlayli*

      I knew the day we met that I definitely wanted to see him again. I knew after our first date that this had a good chance of being a long term relationship. It wasn’t till we were together a year or so that I knew I would marry him and have his kids.

      Mind you I had thought that about my ex too but the feeling was much much stronger this time.

    14. Dizzy Steinway*

      Mine wasn’t a fling, exactly, but our first date ended up lasting for two and a half days. (Together 8.5 years now and married for 5.)

      I don’t think I did know. I had a sense that it could really be the real thing, I could see myself with him, but I’m not sure you ever truly know – though you can look back and confabulate that you did.

      However, I totally had a sense of: oh, THERE you are. Like finding something I had lost. So there’s that.

    15. Red Reader*

      We actually met through my now-ex-husband, NEH and I went to my now-fiance’s wedding to his now-ex-wife. So at the time, we had no idea that we were going to end up together.

      *rereads* when we first started dating. Ok, I read that was “when we met” at first. We basically did our whole relationship backwards. We started sleeping together, then he moved in, then a year later we went on our first actual date and decided we were in an official relationship. But before any of that, he told me repeatedly that he was never getting married again and didn’t see us as anything other than long term FWB. All of that was fine by me, so I didn’t really worry about it. When we officially started dating, I didn’t figure he’d changed his mind about the married, and I was still indifferent. A couple years after that, it took me several moments to realize that he was actually proposing. Now we’re getting married in September – going on our honeymoon first, then flying from there to vegas for our ceremony. Because why do things in the traditional order now?

    16. Amber Rose*

      On the contrary I was sure I wouldn’t. I’d never dated anyone before and literally everyone I talked to assured me that the first one never lasts.

      Well, 6 years later he proposed and it’s pretty close to another 6 since then so I’m thinking this is it. :)

    17. Loopy*

      I definitely am the skeptical type so there was no “just know” for me. We are coming up on four years and aren’t married yet but I definitely went through stages of taking a long hard look at our relationship (even though it’s always been steady and positive) to evaluate if it would be long term and then again in terms of marriage.

      I’m hoping for marriage but I definitely wouldn’t say I had a “click” moment where I just knew.That doesn’t bother me one bit though because I’m too skeptical of a person to probably ever have that with anyone. And I’m kind of terrible when I hear it from others *ducks*

    18. Red*

      Nope! I had planned for it to be a one night stand, actually. We just got on so well in so many ways (he’s honestly an amazing human being, I don’t know how I thought I could hit it and quit it) that I didn’t see any point in stopping, and sooner or later, we moved in together and got married. We will have met 4 years ago next week.

    19. Emi.*

      I got set up with my now-husband by a mutual friend. The day before we actually went on our first date, I low-key eavesdropped on him and some other people discussing a couple issues that were very high on my list of dealbreakers, and he said all the right things, so I knew then that he was a serious contender. :) And we made sure early on that we were both dating to marry. I didn’t *know*, but I had a strong hunch. We said “I love you” about three months in (we would’ve sooner, I think, but we were long-distance for summer break), and decided we wanted to get married about 5 months in.

    20. AlaskaKT*

      Nope! My husband and I were supposed to be a strictly casual fling. We ended up perfect for each other though. He likes to say he’s lucky to find someone crazy enough to follow him to the Alaskan bush!

    22. KR*

      Pretty much. We were best friends and it had been a long build up to dating. Checked with him and we both felt similar.

    23. super anon*

      Not at all. We both disliked each other when we first met on our first date and it took nearly the entire date for us to warm up to one another. We ended up spending a day and a half together on that initial date and I thought it would only be a one time thing, as I was moving halfway across the world in a few months time. We ended up getting together against my better judgement. We’ve been together almost 5 years now and own a home together, so I suppose it all worked out for the best!

    24. blackcat*

      Super corny, but yep, my husband and I both knew it after we met each other. We met at a party in college, we spend like 5 hours that night talking in a dorm, and both of us told our roommates something to the effect of “I think I’m going to marry this person.” And here we are.

    25. Not Australian*

      Even before. The first time I saw him, my instant reaction was “Oh, he looks nice – I bet he’s married.” Well, he is now!

      Actually I’d had a premonition when I applied/interviewed for the job that I would meet someone important to me, in that building, at the far end of a long corridor. His office was three doors from the end…

    26. Mallory Janis Ian*

      When I was dating my husband, I didn’t give any thought to it being anything serious. I was in my mid-twenties and it just didn’t occur to me that we were up to anything other than steady dating for fun. He finally told me that he could see this going somewhere serious and asked if I felt the same. I was a little stunned, but upon allowing myself to consider it that way, I was deliciously pleased with the possibilities. I guess I was just a little obtuse until he stated his intentions directly.

    27. TeaLady*

      No. We had both recently split from long term relationships (very recently in my case) and I thought at best it would be “misery loves company” or maybe a rebound fling. We had been friends before – and almost but not quite dated-but had been out of touch for almost a decade.

      Within a couple of weeks we knew we had something special despite us being long distance for 3.5 years barely spent a weekend apart before moving in together 2 years ago

    29. Hrovitnir*

      Noooo. I was actually seeing two people at the time and given our age gap (he’s 18 years older than me), neither of us anticipated getting into a serious relationship. But… well, now we’ve been together 13 years.

    30. Becca*

      I’ve been married about a year and a half. I didn’t consciously know when I met that I was even interested in dating him (I have about zero self-perfection!), but nevertheless I sought him out, we started dating, and soon after that I was like, “Yes, this guy is someone I want to marry.” And eventually we did!

      Funny story: he does not remember the first time we met. Also, we got formally engaged during a D&D campaign set in Middle-earth. I tried on a ring of power :3

    31. Crafty*

      Together 4 years, married 6 months. Husband was a one night stand and we had both broken up from long term relationships just weeks before. We were not looking for something serious at all but we became instantly magnetized to one another. I wasn’t thinking about marriage at all then.

    32. dawbs*

      hell no!

      I actually didn’t return his phone calls when he first called because I was seeing someone else (maybe kinda 2 someone elses. if I had been on facebook, I would have been complicated) AND because he shares a name with someone I was avoiding.
      And then I really pushed things being casual.
      And the first time he brought up marriage I stopped him because I said him asking me out and me saying no would suck…so how about he put that question away for a while.
      We knew each other a few years before we got married.

      And as of this week (happy anniversary to us!) it’s been 14 years since then :)

    33. Jen Erik*

      My husband was a friend of my best friend from school. She had gone away to uni, and when I flew over to visit her f0r a week I met him.
      On the one hand, I literally fell in love at first sight – my brain decided to open up the sluice gates and let all the hormones flood through. (If I hadn’t lived through it, I wouldn’t believe you could get so obsessed with someone so instantly.) On the other hand, it just wasn’t feasible to date each other because of the living-in-different-places thing. So the only conversation we had about seeing each other was on the morning I was going back home when I burst into tears and told him I loved him (it’s just embarrassing even thinking about it…) and we decided there was no possible way to even try dating.
      We never revisited that decision, but have nonetheless been married for thirty years.

    34. another person*

      hahah nope.

      I started dating my husband partially as a misunderstood response to a question late at night and didn’t bother correcting him because I figured in a week or so it would resolve itself and he’d break up with me. 8 years later, nope.

    35. June*

      Well, my husband and I met playing beer pong at an inappropriately-themed frat party when I was 18 and he was 21. I’m not even going to tell y’all what I was wearing. I think it’s safe to say we were not thinking long-term. On top of that he was a smoker at the time, which was a deal-breaker for me, and was going to be graduating at the end of the semester and moving across the country.

      But… that first night that we just felt really natural together. It’s hard to explain but the way that we interacted – both the flirting and his arm around my waist – I felt like we had known each other for years. It was oddly and wonderfully comfortable. Before I left with my friends he asked for my number, and he called me the next day to get lunch at the dining hall. In the light of day, sober, we still got along really well so we kept seeing each other, and at the end of the semester he decided to hang around and work locally for a while instead of moving.

      The rest is history. We’ve been together just over ten years now, married for the last three. Last summer we had our first child. Oh, and he quit smoking – at my insistence – soon after we started seriously dating.

      1. June*

        On the other end of the spectrum, a friend of mine actually picked out her husband in a very methodical way. She was in medical school and wanted to marry another doctor (so they would have that in common), and also wanted to marry someone of the same (minority) background and culture, since that was a big part of her life. Such a person did not exist in her medical school class so she went on Facebook groups for medical students at other universities in the area. She found a guy who met her criteria and found a mutual friend to set them up on a date. They clicked, and are now married, with a baby. It was all very matter-of-fact.

        She did come clean about the Facebook-stalking a few months into the relationship, though. She told me she was afraid he would be creeped out but instead he was flattered.

      2. Rookie Manager*

        My partner was a one night stand. He was a smoker which is something I can’t stand… it’s now 9 years later, he stopped smoking and we’re very happy!

        To answer the original question, it took me 6 months to admit this was an actual relationship. Once I got that hurdle out the way we got serious fast and moved in together as soon as leases allowed. He claims we both knew right away.

    36. FMLW*

      Yep.

      Met in Europe. With the first words out of his mouth a thought flashed unbidden through my head, “That’s my future husband.” He had no such thoughts.

      The odds were against us, I’m from US, he’s from Europe. We both had careers and families in our home countries. We don’t know if it’s forever, but we have been together for 32 years now. I think we beat the odds.

    37. Not So NewReader*

      I was not looking for a husband or even a relationship when I found my guy. Added wrinkle he was pretty burned out on relationships and had a “NO BS” approach. He thought that he was being tough, I thought he was very practical and therefore trustworthy. I remember thinking that I would go a long way before I ever found someone like this again. It kind of evolved over time that we decided to make the relationship permanent. Being long distance helped because we both had natural time outs where we could do our own thinking. Looking back on it, I think that down time early on helped our relationship to last because it gave us each the space to realize we had a good thing going on.

    38. tek*

      Late to the party, but I realized I would marry my spouse in Feb of a year, though it was hard to believe and we weren’t dating; so in March I broke up with my boyfriend and then held off on dating the spouse-to-be until April or May since it was a little freaky, but that was it then. Certainly never had that experience with anyone else.

    39. Kindling*

      When I was on my first date with my boyfriend, I thought to myself near the end of it, “We’re going to be together for at least five years.” In about three months it’ll be our five year anniversary.

    41. Fenchurch*

      When we first met I thought there was potential. After a few weeks of dating I had this moment when I held his left hand and had a premonition of sorts as if I had held it multiple times and there was supposed to be a ring on his finger. We’ve been together 2 and a half years, recently engaged :)

  22. Confused Publisher*

    My husband and I have just moved house for my new job, but because of the short notice, we’re still renting for the next year. Thus, we’re limited in what changes we can make to the property, although we’re doing our best to settle in and make the space feel familiar through our beloved books and photographs and knickknacks.
    What helps you settle in when you’ve moved house? And I’m curious: do you set up the kitchen first too like we do?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yes, bed first. I know when I decide I am done for the day I will just suddenly quit. So the bed must be ready for quitting time.

        Then I do a few basics to make the bathroom workable for the moment. Next is the kitchen. I set up enough so I can fix a simple breakfast in the morning.

        If I actually have any energy left, I spend it on the kitchen, then I fall into bed. The next day I push things around so the furniture makes more sense and the place starts to feel useful.

        I think the place feels more like my own when I get it set up so there is a “life flow” to it. In other words things are set up in such a manner that it makes sense for my day-to-day life. The place’s ease of use is a big deal for me.

    2. overeducated*

      Yes, kitchen first. I’ve only lived in rentals, but I’ve moved quite a bit and putting pictures up on the walls is what really makes it feel like home.

    3. Sir Alanna Trebond*

      I set up the bathroom first, because it’s easy and I like to have an oasis of calm. Plus, you know you’re going to need it :)

      1. copy run start*

        Me too! Plus if you forgot TP or soap or something you know right away… and I’ve done that a few times.

    4. Dr. KMnO4*

      Putting all of my art up helps me settle in. And I’m far too scattered to do any one room first, I usually do a few things in one room and then move to another. My moving in process takes a while, usually.

    5. Natalie*

      I do kitchen first, too, mostly because it’s one of my larger sources of boxes and it has the least number of decisions. Book shelves and books go last.

      Putting my house plants in their new spots always makes me feel like it’s home.

      1. Natalie*

        Bleh, that was supposed to say book shelves and books go next, not last! My other large source of boxes is books, so once kitchen and books are done, I’m like 75% moved in.

    6. Aphrodite*

      I always do the bedroom first. I set up the bed, make it up with sheets, blankets, bedspread and pillows–fully complete. Nightstands and lamps are next, then the small dresser and clothes are hung in the closet. The master bathroom is next and everything is laid out as I intend to keep it. In other words, no temporary storage. I know I will be exhausted and I want to be able to take a hot shower and fall into bed without searching for anything.

      Kitchen is next and as long as the food is all put away and at least a couple of dishes and glasses and silverware are ready the rest can wait. I will always have at least two meals’ worth of quick-to-prepare food in the freezer.

    7. Chaordic One*

      I always feel like I have to clean everything (especially the bathrooms and kitchen) in a new house myself before I really feel comfortable. After I’ve cleaned it once, though, it can stay dirty for quite a while. It’s like it’s dirty, but it’s my dirt and that doesn’t bother me.

      1. Gaia*

        Exactly. My dirt is different than previous-tenant-stranger-dirt. Their dirt is dirty. My dirt is just me.

          1. Gaia*

            I know where my dirt came from. I know what it has been up to. Who knows what old dirt has been doing. It could be rogue!

    8. emmylou*

      First thing is to set up the bed and make the bedroom habitable. (Clothes are usually last, but I want the bedside table, the lamp, etc). Then basic bathroom stuff (shampoo, toothbrush, towels). So basic function, then the kitchen is the first major thing to be actually fully put away. But I need to feel like I can go lie down on the bed anytime it’s All Too Much lol.

    9. Gaia*

      It is the drapes, for me. I can have everything else in place but if they are not up, it will not feel like home. I usually put them up before anything is unpacked. Then my art. Then everything else.

    11. gingerblue*

      I’ve moved a ton in the last few years (a long-distance move pretty much once a year), and it always takes me a while to settle in. Putting art on the walls definitely helps. Little stuff, like having hooks over the doors with my bathrobe hung up and having a consistent place I’m putting my keys, shoes, etc. helps me feel like I’m actually living there, not camping. Getting the pantry and fridge stocked, any missing toiletries and stuff acquired, and that sort of thing also helps. The kitchen is usually the last thing I finish, as it’s usually the room that takes the most unpacking, and I HATE it until it’s done. I just feel itchy until everything is unpacked, boxes are cleared away, I’ve acquired the lamp or rug or whatever the heck I need and don’t have from a previous apartment, and it usually takes me at least a week after my stuff gets there to get things totally set up. Ugh. Also, I feel better once I’ve been to places like the grocery store at least a couple of times (to the point that I know where they are without directions and the layout inside).

      A couple of suggestions for feeling settled:

      Get art up on the walls, magnets on the fridge, a wreath on the door, candles on the table: whatever you do to add personality to your space. Sounds like you’re already on that! Buy a plant or two. If you’re people who like to and have outside space, put up a bird feeder.

      Cook a couple of meals there that take more effort than, e.g., microwaving takeout. It’s never home for me until I’ve really cooked there, and if you’re prioritizing the kitchen, it sounds like that may be true for you too.

      Set aside time to relax. I feel more at home after I’ve had at least one day where I can sit around, read, watch tv, whatever. Much like cooking, it both lets you enjoy your new space and proves to you that you’re unpacked enough to find stuff like the tv remote and a good book.

      Does the new place smell noticeably strange? Every home I’ve moved into has had a distinctive odor of its own made up of the smell of the varnish on the floors, new paint, other people’s cleaning chemicals, etc., which contributes to the feeling of being somewhere new and not quite yours yet. Most apartments, I stop noticing it once my own familiar possessions are filling up the rooms and I’ve been using my own cleaning brands, cooking the things I like, and so on for a while. If you like fragrances, a scented candle or a pot of coffee or such can speed up the process of feeling like you’ve claimed the space.

      Acclimating to the new noise patterns in your new place can take a while. Not much to do about it, but it can help to know it’s just one of those things that eventually resolves itself as WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT turns into “oh, yeah, it’s the neighbor’s squeaky garage door”. If you’re finding you have any trouble sleeping, something that generates white noise can help ease the transition.

      Clean anything you feel alienated by. Even when a place is clean when I move in, I’ll do the bathroom and the main kitchen surfaces before using them.

      Find places like the library, gym, grocery store, or wherever else you’re likely to stop by regularly, and do whatever signing up for cards or memberships you plan to. A lot of feeling out of place when you move isn’t just the new home, but the whole new neighborhood or city. (It sounds like you moved a substantial distance? If not, never mind!)

      I often wind up swapping out some of the lightbulbs left by previous tenants for ones at a wattage/color temperature I like better. (And what is it with people who put mismatched bulbs in matching sconces? That would drive me batty to live with!)

      1. Confused Publisher*

        This is all so useful, and reassuring. (And yes, we did move quite a distance – well, in UK terms, anyway.)
        I’ve cooked a couple of ‘real’ meals by now, too, and the smell of familiar foods helped in a way I hadn’t articulated until you mentioned it. (I was at OldJob for a while – I start NewJob tomorrow – which is probably why settling into the new place felt even more important this time round.)

        1. gingerblue*

          Oh, I’m so glad it was useful! Congratulations on the new job, and best wishes for your first day.

  23. The Other Dawn*

    Going on week three of tummy tuck recovery. I’m feeling decent, but not 100% yet. I went yesterday to have the belly button stitches out. It hurt a bit because the scabs got ripped off in the process, and then the doc was poking around my abs. So I’m a little sore today. I got the all-clear to go back to normal life. No restrictions, just listen to my body and adjust accordingly.

    It’s so weird to me how pre- and post-op instructions vary so widely from doctor to doctor for the same procedure. I read a lot of plastic surgery and weight loss forums beforehand in order to get a sense of what to expect. While one doctor doesn’t have patients use a compression garment at all, others make their patients wear it 24/7 for several months. Or one says no sleeping in any position other than on your back with pillows under the knees and head/upper back for at least a month, and another says it’s perfectly OK to do whatever you want, even sleep on your stomach (!). I finally gave up and stopped reading, and decided I’ll just go with whatever MY doctor says. My doctor seems to be middle of the road: after two weeks of wearing the compression garment and sleeping on my back, I’m now free to do whatever I feel like doing as long as I pay attention to my body.

    I have to go shopping for some work clothes today so I can be comfortable next week. My pants fit, but they’re not comfortable yet because of the swelling, numbness and sensitivity (they’re all tight-fitting skinny jeans/pants). So, I’m hoping to find some loose-fitting elastic waist or drawstring waist pants that look OK on me.

    If anyone wants to see “after” pics, click my name.

    1. Jean who seeks to be Ingenious*

      Glad you’re feeling better. May you continue to feel more and more like yourself instead of someone who has emerged from surgery and the healing process.

    2. Rogue*

      I checked out your blog. Looks good! Hopefully, your recovery will continue to go smoothly. Also, good luck shopping. Hope you find the pants you’re looking for.

  24. Nic*

    I’m really frustrated, and just venting a bit.

    The last four years I worked at a local renaissance festival for eight weekends in the spring. Last autumn I changed jobs to one that is better in almost every way…except that I don’t get weekends off. Our time off works like this: we put in a request and an email goes out to the team. Either someone offers to cover the day, or you don’t get the day off. I’d requested yesterday and today to go out to the festival, and got today. This is a big weekend out there, and there’s a charity event going on that I’d love to attend.

    And then Thursday night I wound up leaving sick from work, and calling in yesterday with major brain fog and a fever. Now I look like I bailed so I could have both days I requested, AND I’m not getting to go out to the festival.

    The good side is that today I at least feel well enough to clean some, and that’s needed.

    1. Rogue*

      Don’t worry about what others are thinking, you can’t change that anyway. You know you were out sick. Also, sorry you didn’t get to work at or even go to the Ren Faire this year. I know how much that sucks. I loved going and now, since I travel so much for work, I’m never in an area at the right time to attend.

    2. Chaordic One*

      This is really a bummer. I hope you continue to get to feeling better. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself.

  25. Stephanie*

    AAM Runners! So how should I approach this? I am signed up for a half-marathon that is in six weeks (first weekend of May). Life happened, a sprained ankle happened, etc. and I’m behind on training. I’m hesitant to do some aggressive training plan for fear of getting an overuse injury.

    So how would y’all recommend approaching this? I’ve done a few 10ks before (this would be my first half). There’s no 10k I could drop down to. My current plant was to run half and walk half.

    1. Anonnn*

      How much are you running in an average week right now? How long has your longest run been in the last few weeks? If you’re around 20m a week, you can probably pretty easily train up to it now and not be injured. Any less and I’d bail, or plan on walking and be pleasantly surprised if you run even half.

      1. Stephanie*

        I’m at 15 km/week, but grad school grad schooled so it’s been close to zero the last couple of weeks (and I was out of town this past week.) Longest run was 6 miles.

        Part of me is leaning toward bailing and seeing if I can transfer the bib. I had an overuse injury (strained Achilles) and don’t want to deal with that again (especially given that my grad student insurance isn’t great if you have something chronic like an overuse injury).

        1. Epsilon Delta*

          Hmm yeah that’s pretty far from where you want to be in your training at this point. Especially with a sprained ankle.

          I trained very badly for my first half marathon (started training 6 weeks before) and I didn’t do too terribly in the race. I did it 5 minutes slower than my goal time, but man it sucked once I reached mile 10. I will also say that the difference between a 10k and a half is a lot more than you might expect.

          I think you need to listen to your body. Is your ankle ok with running now? If not, I would probably skip it, or walk half like you suggested. Some people bounce back really quickly though and would be totally fine doing a half marathon (I am not one of those people). Try training and see what happens.

        2. Here we go again*

          How old are you and for how many years have you been a “runner”? Those are two keys in your decision.

          In my early 20s, I went out of the country for 3 weeks before the taper period during my half marathon training, so it was the peak training time. It was my first half and I had only been running for about 2 years; I had done a couple 10 mile races though. I was up to 8 miles before I left and only ran twice during the 3 weeks I was out of the country for about 4 or 5 miles. I was able to pick back up to 8 the week before, skip the taper and survive the half marathon, but after mile 10 was brutal.

          Six weeks is still quite a bit of time, so I don’t think you have to make a decision now. I’d keep training, try to do 1/2 mile more than what you had planned for each run and add that to your long run each week. Once you get to two weeks before the race, you will know how you feel.

    2. Ruth (UK)*

      Oh wow, that’s unfortunate :( I am not really qualified to give advice on this so I can only suggest that you do as much as you feel safe/comfortable doing. I’m also training for a half marathon (mine’s in 3 weeks).

      Is it possible to find another form of cardio exercise you can do that puts less strain on your ankle while it’s still healing? For example, cycling? It’s not the same as running for training when it comes to a running race, of course, but it’s better than nothing and will still help overall fitness. By the time the race comes round your ankle will (hopefully) be recovered, and doing non-running cardio exercise while it’s still weakened will allow you to train harder meanwhile without putting extra strain on the ankle itself.

    3. Audiophile*

      Sprained ankle twins!

      Unfortunately, I have no real advice for your half marathon. I don’t run. Even during gym classes where running was basically mandatory, it was basically a brisk walk for me. I’ve considered running but wouldn’t know where to begin.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Audiophile, if you want to get into running, it might be worth seeing if there are any parkruns near you? There are a lot of them in the UK (basically everywhere) and I know they exist in the USA but I’m not sure how big a thing it is there? (I am only assuming you’re in the US only because most people on here are, and many who aren’t often indicate otherwise in their name – not always but often).

        Anyway, if there IS a parkrun near you, it’s fantastic. It’s a 5km timed run (not a race though some people are more competitive about it than others). It’s free and you just register and get a barcode to scan. At my local parkrun, we regularly get over 600 runners, with the back finishers coming it just under an hour (so walking speed). There are lots of people getting between 30-40mins, and plenty getting 40-50mins too. At least at my local one, it’s a very supportive atmosphere, and the wider community of parkrunners seems to reflect that feeling in general too (eg. on parkrun fb groups etc).

        Otherwise, a lot of people have found that starting by walking and then doing some combination of walking/running over a set distance or period of time works for them. I’ve read the couch to 5k plan and it looks pretty good. (I haven’t tried it personally as I didn’t actually find out about it until I was already at the point of being able to run a 5k – but it seems good and has worked for a lot of people).

        1. Audiophile*

          Ruth,

          I looked to see if there were any parkruns near me and there’s nothing “official” that I can see. I did find a few interesting suggestions via tripadvisor threads. NYRR group offers beginner classes that I may look into.

      2. Stephanie*

        Look for a Black Girls Run chapter in your area! That helped me meet people and get some accountability partners.

    4. Medical Student*

      Do you have access to an arc trainer (not elliptical)? The motion is very similar to running, and with the resistance cranked up you can quite decently simulate a running workout. I’ve had a lot of ankle/knee issues and have relied on the arc trainer to keep in shape and meet by milages. I’ve found that my aerobic capacity, endurance, and leg strength haven’t diminished during the recovery periods and that I’m able to quickly catch up to my pre-injury mileage. I’ve also done half-run/half arc trainer workouts when rehabbing to avoid re-injury. GOOD LUCK!!

      1. Stephanie*

        I think there might be one in the campus gym. I might try that out–thanks for the suggestion!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Not a runner. However I hurt my ankle once and it was YEARS of healing. Part of the problem was I worked retail and I was standing on concrete floors in dress shoes for hours. For a little thing it worked into a bfd. I may be too conservative but my advice is to let your ankle heal fully. It’s just not worth pushing the process. [Insert big, long story here.] Finally I ended up wearing high top sneaks for about 4-5 years and keeping the sneaks tied on the top part. Then it got better.

  26. Jen RO*

    Does anyone have any sci-fi TV series recommendations? It can be an ongoing one or already finished.

    For reference, I am currently watching Walking Dead (love it), Colony (ok) and The 100 (cheesy, but entertaining when I don’t want to engage my brain). I’m also waiting for Humans, Orphan Black, Game of Thrones, Westworld and Stranger Things to start again. In the past, I enjoyed Utopia, Containment, Black Mirror and BSG.

    1. Elkay*

      Have you watched Fear The Walking Dead? I’m not sure how good it is but it’s on my list to watch. If you’re willing to go really old you can’t go wrong with Quantum Leap.

      1. Jen RO*

        Yes, that’s on the “waiting for” list, but not as eagerly as the others. It’s OK – not as good as the main series, but entertaining.

      2. Temperance*

        FWIW, I am a huge TWD fan and absolutely can’t make myself watch Fear the Walking Dead. It’s really awful.

      3. Trixie*

        I love Fear The Walking Dead. Easy to imagine something at the local level in the communities.

      1. Jen RO*

        For some reason, I can’t get into that! My boyfriend loves it but, after seeing bits and pieces on TV from time to time, I just can’t conjure any interest in it.

        And since we’re here, here’s the list of things I tried and didn’t like: The Expanse (but I may give it another shot), Farscape, any Star Trek or Stargate.

        1. Sydney Bristow*

          Have you tried the other Stargate series? Stargate: Universe is pretty different from the other two. So different that a ton of fans hated it. I like them all, personally. Universe is more serious and less campy. If you liked BSG, you might like it.

          1. Jen RO*

            I heard about it, but wasn’t it canceled? I don’t like watching stuff that doesn’t end properly :(

            1. Dr. KMnO4*

              It was canceled, and it has a weak ending. Not a cliffhanger, exactly, just not as well wrapped up as you might want it to be. It certainly isn’t an upbeat ending.

          2. Dr. KMnO4*

            Universe is so different from Atlantis and SG-1. I liked it, though not as much as I did SG-1. And you’re right about some fans hating it- my old roommate, who got me into Stargate, is a fanatic for SG-1, is okay with Atlantis, and pretty much despises Universe last I checked.

          3. Dr. KMnO4*

            I meant to add this to my previous comment, but I love your username! I watched all of Alias, and thought Jennifer Garner was fantastic as Sydney. If you liked Alias, have you seen the Blacklist? It’s all about the spy stuff, with James Spader who just kills it as one of the main characters.

    3. Confused Publisher*

      This is a fantasy recommendation, not sci-fi, but have you watched Outlander, based on the book series of the same name by Diana Gabaldon? (I came across the books – absolute doorstops! – by accident, and was thrilled when the excellent TV adaptation came out.)

      1. Jen RO*

        I like fantasy too, but this one (the books and the show, actually) always looked too medieval-y for me. Maybe I’ll try one episode, but I’m not getting my hopes up.

      1. Jen RO*

        I saw this recommended a lot in the Dark Matter subreddit, but I forgot about it – I’ll have to try it out.
        (Dark Matter turned out to be very much meh, the kind of thing I “watch” on the other screen while I’m playing World of Warcraft.)

      1. Jen RO*

        I had been hearing about iZombie for a while, but it always sounded like a teen show to me… however the Wikipedia summary seems intriguing.

        1. Temperance*

          The main character is a medical resident, and the show is definitely female-oriented, but not for kids. Incidentally, I also heavily recommend the comic if you are a comic reader.

    6. Cruciatus*

      Did you watch Fringe? I enjoyed that one a lot. Eureka could be dopey sometimes, but I enjoyed many of the characters. Same for Warehouse 13. Currently airing, I really like The Flash and Super Girl. I don’t know if those are technically sci-fi but I feel like close enough. I don’t keep up with comics so I really only know anything about them based on the shows.

      1. Jen RO*

        Fringe is a good one, but yes, I watched it already! My interest in superhero-anything is less than zero, but I’ve seen Eureka recommended before, so it’s going on the list. Warehouse 13 is new to me, but it sounds interesting!

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        I really like/liked all of those, and second them all.

        I’ll also recommend The Expanse, which takes place when Mars and the asteroid belt are colonized for more than a generation, and has almost a Game of Thrones feel about the complexity, history, and intrigue between the factions. I will say that it’s not light viewing, you have to pay attention, but I love that. And it’s great science fiction with great effects and scenery, and it introduces a few details about space travel and space battles that I’ve never seen before.

        1. Jen RO*

          I tried to watch The Expanse, but I got really bored three episodes in… it’s probably because I have a focus problem and I lost track pretty fast.

    7. ThatGirl*

      Fortitude, which is a British series. Season 1 is on Amazon Prime and S2 will be out in mid April.

        1. Not Australian*

          Second third and fourthing Fortitude; it’s one of the most bizarre and compelling shows ever.

    8. Amber Rose*

      An oldie that’s been done a while, but I really enjoyed Lexx. It’s very very strange, mind you, but a fun kind of strange.

      The main characters are a janitor, an escaped sex slave, an undead assassin and a robot hand. They fly around on an organic ship called Lexx.

      1. NoMoreMrFixit*

        Don’t forget the ship is pretty much the ultimate weapon in the series. Designed to blow up planets. And the ex slave has lizard DNA. Bizarre show but a fun watch.

    9. Lady Julian*

      Fringe! Also, they’re pretty old, but if you haven’t watched the Stargate series, they’re a lot of fun. And Firefly, of course. :)

    12. brightstar*

      Legion! I just started watching it and it is so good! Dan Stevens and Aubrey Plaza, it’s set in the X-Men universe but it’s more trippy and you don’t know what’s really going on.

    13. dawbs*

      Do you generally enjoy the whedon-versee?
      Because I didn’t watch “Dollhouse” until well after it was over and while it has some flaws, I enjoyed it. But it will probably at least partially fall into the ‘cheesy’ type category–especially the longer it ages.
      “Supernatural” also lands a little bit on the cheesy spectrum, but is non-medieval fantasy

      At the opposite end of things, Red Dwarf is always a winner :)

        1. dawbs*

          You don’t have to be really into SciFi to get why red dwarf is hilarious.

          I watched Buffy’s last 2 seasons this year (perks of being unemployed), and other than some of the fashions, I think *most* of it held up well.

      2. Jen RO*

        I can’t say I am into the whole Whedon thing, but I enjoyed Buffy ages ago on TV, and I loved Dr. Horrible. I have been hearing about Dollhouse for a while, so this time I am making an *actual* list of shows so I don’t forget again.

    14. salad fingers*

      Can I just recommend against watching The OA? I would love to add recommendations but I think you and everyone else have covered most of mine, at least contemporary. Hmmmmmm, more supernatural, but have you watched The Kingdom mini-series by Lars von Trier? That one is kinda fun, if you can track it down.

        1. salad fingers*

          Yeah. I have a newer friend who recommended this to me, so I persevered, giving my friend the benefit of the doubt (so far she has had really good taste!). When it ended with a sh*tty bang, I wondered to myself how I was going to politely tell her I didn’t like it. I went back and looked at our conversation and she had recommended a totally different show to me – still have no idea why I thought it was the OA! I was so frustrated that I spent so much time watching it, hah.

      2. salad fingers*

        Oh, one thing I forgot that I don’t see anywhere – Man in the High Castle. I really liked it but I know if got slightly mixed reviews. I’d say it’s definitely worth checking out in any case.

      3. Emilia Bedelia*

        I so agree on the OA! A few of my coworkers are really into it and were recommending it, but I just… didn’t get it. I am glad I’m not alone in this :)

      4. Jen RO*

        Oh, really? I was going to watch this one!

        I tried Man in the High Castle and I just couldn’t. I am not a fan of PKD, while I think the series is better than the book, I was still super bored. I think I just managed 2 episodes.

        1. Windchime*

          That’s about how far I made it in the Man in the High Castle. My son read the book and said that was good, but the TV series wasn’t interesting to me. I just didn’t really care about any of the characters for some reason.

    15. Emi.*

      I really like The X-Files! There are cool sci-fi monsters, a massive government conspiracy, and a really interesting friendship (or more?!?) between the two main characters. The episodes with religion in them are varying levels of dorky and cringey, but not enough to really put me off. You can also watch only the episodes that have to do with the big story arc (“mythology episodes”) and skip the stand-alones (“monster-of-the-week episodes”) if that’s more to your taste.

      2. Jen RO*

        I’ve been meaning to re-watch the X-Files for a few years, but it’s got soooo many seasons… :(

    17. Sydney Bristow*

      One I don’t think has been recommended is Continuum. Sort of accidental time travel and corporations in charge of everything. There is interesting tech in it.

      I’ll second the Firefly recommendation too. Space western!

      1. Jen RO*

        Continuum sounds interesting!

        Firefly is a weird one for me. I watched it years ago and I just couldn’t get into it. Then, a year or so later, I tried again and I loved it!

    18. Jillociraptor*

      Have you seen Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse? It is extremely uneven, but the highs are VERY high. There were two seasons, but I’d say only about half the episodes are worth watching (but I swear, those are SUPER worth watching!)

      The 4400 is also pretty good. It’s about a bunch of people who went missing over several decades who suddenly reappear.

      LOST held up a bit better than I remembered. It was very disappointing when I was watching it for the first time, but I enjoyed it more (especially the ending) on a re-watch.

      1. Jen RO*

        LOST is the reason why I started watching Colony! Josh Holloway (Sawyer) plays one of the main characters.

        I wanted to watch The 4400, but by the time I got to it the show was canceled. Does it have an actual end or did the cancelation leave a lot of loose ends?

    19. Girasol*

      Max Headroom is an old cult classic. There’s not much of it – it was cancelled before many were made – but it’s worth a watch.

    20. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Babylon 5. One of the best written series of any genre ever.
      Red Dwarf is strange and at times silly but it’s British humour at its best.

    21. A Person*

      Babylon 5 (if you haven’t seen it already). It is quite similar in tone to new BSG and GoT, with the epires, politics, and complexity and flawed people (and aliens).

    22. Science!*

      Going back a little bit:
      Farscape, equal parts drama and comedy. Muppets in space, no joke, half the aliens are Jim Henson creations. But so well done!
      Babylon 5: first season is a bit rough, but still great. By season 2 its really hits its stride with characterization as well as universe building.
      Fringe has already been recommended but I love it so much, especially once it became more serial and less monster of the week.

      Shows I’m currently watching:
      The Expanse: I just finished season 1. There is so much going on, I really can’t watch it while doing other things. But I like that, I’m really invested in some the characters and really want to see where it goes.
      3% is a Brazilian show, so you’ll have to be okay with subtitles (I tried the dubbed for about 10 min but it was really annoying). Its a dystopia where most people live in poverty but there is an island where only the best 3% of the population is allowed to go. So at 21 you take a series of tests to weed out the bottom 97%. I’m really enjoying the first season.

  28. Alice*

    Hi folks- where do you like to volunteer? Not for resume- or skill-building (though that would be an interesting Friday thread) but for fun/satisfaction?

    (PS thanks to everyone for car advice last week)

    1. Hellanon*

      I do a lot of volunteering with a community organization that does a bunch of events, so I end up docenting on architectural tours, wrangling volunteers for fundraisers, and working the kitchens at some events. It’s all social stuff for the most part, and fun, and very different from how I spend my days. I always tell my students to offer to work check in tables and/or help wrangle logistics, because it’s the best way to meet people and stay busy at the event where otherwise you might just end up standing around.

    2. Turtlewings*

      Animal shelter. I’ve moved away now, but I used to volunteer at a privately-run no-kill shelter, and it was so great. I love animals so much, and with this shelter I didn’t have to worry about them getting put down. The organization was wonderful and I loved being able to support them. I still think about some of the animals I met there, they brought a lot of joy into my life.

      1. Emilia Bedelia*

        I also volunteer at my local no kill shelter and it’s awesome! I get to hang out with cats as long as I like, and the work is easy- wash litter boxes, do laundry, sweep/mop, change food dishes. A lot of volunteers also walk the dogs, which seems like a great gig too

    3. HannahS*

      I used to volunteer at a living-history museum–like Colonial Williamsburg but way smaller and Canadian. It was only two-three days a month, and I’d be dressed up like a Victorian woman teaching visitors about life in the 1860s with a focus on medicine (I was in the doctor’s house/office). I really liked it, even though it was awfully hot in the summer and brutally cold in the winter.

      1. Loopy*

        I would love to do something like this! But I have large tattoos and sometimes I’d except that would not work with the costuming they have :(

        2. HannahS*

          Honestly, it might! I don’t know where your tattoos are, but both men and women were covered from neck to wrist to ankle in all seasons (hence being disgustingly hot and sweaty in the summer). Even if you have hand/neck tattoos, creative use of gloves, cravats, or high-necked blouses could work :) There were definitely people with tattoos and piercings in…unexpected locations that worked there.

        1. HannahS*

          It was. It was my first experience of really working with the public, and I was surprised at how much I liked it, being a somewhat shy introvert. But it was wonderful.

    4. Jean who seeks freedom from clutter*

      U.S. resident here. For years I’ve enjoyed political campaign work: going door-to-door, making phone calls, or handing out literature at events or polling places. (This is not a political comment because I am not going to get into the specifics of any campaign or candidate issues.) I like being down in the weeds of a particular neighborhood or town, initiating interactions with other people, discussing the issues, and hearing their responses. To me, it’s all part of the shared experience of citizenship.

    5. salad fingers*

      I don’t volunteer at the moment, but when my schedule allows it, I plan to become a Frank Lloyd Wright volunteer tour guide. I’m a member of the Chicago (Illinois?) Frank Lloyd Wright trust and have been pestered by several of the volunteers about become one myself, which I would absolutely love to do! As someone who is only informally interested in architecture, it surprised me to hear from them that I would be a candidate for that sort of thing. I tried several times to volunteer doing menial work at a tenants rights organization here without success, so I think I got a little discouraged.

      When I was in middle and high school, I did a lot volunteering at a local homeless shelter. I would definitely do that again.

    7. Liane*

      1–Church’s Vacation Bible School, which ours does several consecutive evenings, including supper for kids and volunteers. For several years, I helped in the kitchen. (Pro tip: a countertop electric roaster is great for keeping TONS of french fries hot and crispy until served.) The last couple years I have been photographer, so I get to see all that goes one. Bonus entertainment: watching College Son work with small kids–he’s really good.

      2–The Rebel Legion international Star Wars costuming club. We do all sorts of appearances–parades, library and school events, hospital visits, fundraisers for various charities–Make-A-Wish is a favorite*. Yes we do cons as well :D As a Regional Captain, I also act as an event liaison, communicating with people who request appearances, getting volunteers, and so on.

      *Google R2-KT for the full story on that.

    8. Loopy*

      I volunteer at a local historical site that has animals. Specifically, I don’t do a lot of interaction with the public and am there to help take care of the animals. I really enjoy it. I’ve always gravitated towards animal-centric volunteering. In the past I have done straightforward wildlife rehab (mostly birds and included birds of prey which was really amazing) and humane society volunteering.

      Most of it’s messy/dirty/unexciting work but I enjoy being around animals- even in the cases where we can’t interact, or where interaction was very limited :)

    10. Natalie*

      I don’t currently volunteer because of work and school commitments, but I used to do more. Some that I loved: answering phones at a DV hotline, providing child care for a homelessness org that did classes for their clients with free child care, and community gardening. I would do the first two again, but now that I have a huge garden of my own I really have to commit my garden energy to that.

      I’m a big fan of volunteering that is something I believe in, obviously, and has some level of low-key social contact. I’ve been looking at delivering for Meals and Wheels since I have a flexible workplace now and could do it over lunch.

    11. Becca*

      This isn’t proper volunteering, but it’s work I do for free— I’m an instructor at a college swing dance club, although I’m not a student. (I’m close to student-aged, though.) It’s so fun and it’s helping me with public speaking and body awareness and lesson planning and so on.

    12. Mallows*

      ESL for refugees. Some folks taught classes, but I did one on one (or me working with a family). You have no idea how un-conversant you are with the rules of your own language until you have to explain them! My 2 families/individuals were awesome and SO funny and I hope they are doing wonderfully.

    13. dawbs*

      Science Olympiad.
      ANybody want to help make a scoring rubric tonight :P
      (I have a good start, I am just making the spreadsheet do more of it automatically for ease of use)

    14. Chaordic One*

      I’m a “Friend of the Library.” Our really big thing is that we run a used book store in the basement of the library and raise money to support the library. It is open on Saturdays. In a few weeks we are preparing to give a presentation to the county board of commissioners to lobby for increased library funding and to remind them of all of the extra things that the library does (computer training, help with resumes and job applications, referrals to social service agencies and things like that).

    15. another person*

      My favorite places to volunteer are at therapeuatic riding centers, for horseback riding with disabled kids and adults. Right now I live too far in a city to be able to do that with any reasonable commute (and also weird lab schedules), but when I move again, that’s going to be something I look for. It got me through so much of undergrad, getting out there and hanging out with the horses and kids (sometimes adults, but most of the times I could make it were for the classes for kids).

    16. Felicia*

      I like to volunteer as an usher at a theatre because I’ve liked the theatre for a long time, so I like that I’m helping them out, and also because as a volunteer I get to watch the plays for free

    17. TwistedKnickers*

      I record newspaper and online articles for the State Services for the Blind here in our state. I record a weekly “show” called Career Corner, and I occasionally will record one of Alison’s articles! They are always my favorite to read.

    18. Max Kitty*

      I volunteer for a group that makes quilts for kids (and some adults) in crisis. We bring them to firehouses and ambulance services to put on their trucks for when they rescue kids, foster care agencies, a women’s shelter, and rehabilitation facilities.

    19. Belle di Vedremo*

      Citizen science stuff! It’s been SO much fun. My work life is generally social service of some sort, and this is a great brain stretch and a lot of fun. Meet cool people interested in all kinds of things I know nothing about, and has upgraded my sense of the world around me, and all for a greater common good.

    20. Sibley*

      I’ve been volunteering at an animal shelter. Cleaning (boring, not glamorous, and never ending task that absolutely has to be done) and socializing cats for an hour.

  29. setsuko*

    My husband and I are getting fertility treatment and we are currently in the dreaded two week wait before I can do a pregnancy test. We’ve been trying to conceive for almost two years now, so test days are pretty momentous events in our house.

    I could do with some tips on how to keep myself occupied in the meantime. I think I have the weekends pretty well covered, but workdays seem endless. This isn’t helped by the fact that I work very independently, so I can spend all day Googling pregnancy symptoms with no repercussions!

    1. FDCA In Canada*

      I hang out on the infertility subreddit, which is full of normal, non-insane people, but you may find that it helps to tone down the stress if you set yourself a timer (a real timer, not “I’ll just be ten minutes” and then eleven minutes later you’re still there) to say “OK, I will fret for ten minutes, and then I’m going to do something else.” I keep myself super busy–I volunteer as a copyeditor for a small magazine, I write a regular blog, I have a leadership role in my local choir, I work out (that one helps a lot), and as soon as the weather is nice I get outside into the fresh air. The more I keep my life busy and my mind occupied with other, productive things, the less I find it stresses me out to count days and frantically symptom-spot.

    3. setsuko*

      Thanks. I have decided to break out some unfinished fantasy trilogies that I have been really excited for (either Robin Hobb or Trudi Canavan). I have been trying to hold out until all the books are published.

      I’ll be disappointed when I have to wait for the last book in the series, but by that time I will be through the two week wait.

      1. NotoriousMCG*

        Have you read Patrick Rothfuss’ Kingkiller Chronicles (Name of the Wind and Wise Man’s Fear)? They’re really good and long!

        1. setsuko*

          I loved those! Although that series is sort of the reason I have been trying not to start series which are not complete :)

        2. Mephyle*

          There is something about Name of the Wind that didn’t resonate with me. I read the whole book, and a day or two after I finished, I couldn’t remember anything about it. My daughter, who had lent me the book, eagerly asked me how I had liked it, and I was “Um, there was this redheaded guy? And some scenes happened in bars?” and that was literally all I remembered.

          1. Cruciatus*

            I actually thought that part was well done about the wheres and whos and other world building, but the first book didn’t resonate with me for reasons I still can’t figure out. It was missing something. And it was long so whatever it was missing was felt throughout the book. I didn’t think it was bad, but I did not understand the 5 star reviews after reading it.

            1. NotoriousMCG*

              Really?? I think I may be as baffled by you guys as you’ll be by me. It took several attempts by Mr. MCG to get me started (we do audiobooks on long road trips) because I kept falling asleep. But then my cousin talked to me all about them and I became really interested and started again and literally couldn’t stop. Read/listened to them both once, then when we were in Mexico for a week in January I took the paperbacks with me and literally spent all day every day on the beach reading and annotating them so that I could develop theories about Kvothe and the Chandrian and the STUPID MYSTERY PATRON

    4. AcademiaNut*

      I found that it helped to stay off all pregnancy related forums and google searches completely. They put my stress levels through the roof without actually proving any support that I would find useful (I’m really not a (((hugs))) type of person, and all the cutesy vocabulary drove me up the wall). Plus, absolutely everything is a potential pregnancy symptom, and the overlap between pregnancy symptoms, PMS, and fertility treatment side effects is very large.

    5. June*

      Oh man, the two week wait is the worst. I finally got my baby through IVF (after a few failed IUIs) so I feel your pain. I would second what the other commenter said about not googling things, staying off pregnancy-related sites, and trying not to analyze every potential symptom. Start a new show on Netflix, read a good book, go for walks, cook. Really try not to test at home before the blood test. I did and got a clear negative, which was devastating. Then it turned out I actually was pregnant, just tested too early. That emotional roller coaster was totally unnecessary.

      Thinking of you. Hang in there. Lots of love.

    6. Anon regular*

      8 weeks today after ivf, so I know the feeling. Googled all the pregnancy symptoms and was convinced it hadn’t worked, and also the home pregnancy test on the alloted day was negative. The blood test the next day was very very postive.
      While it’s nice to to know that at least you can get pregnant, the wait til the end of the first trimester is not much better than the two week wait, and as ivf patients are more likely to bleed during pregnancy, every day is a rollercoaster.
      Sorry to be a downer! I’m afraid my only advice is to allow yourself an hour to google stuff a day, and stop completely during work time.

  30. bunniferous*

    Public service announcement: Do not treat cat bites casually.

    So, I am sitting here in a hospital room watching my husband recover. He was bitten by a cat last week, it got infected, antibiotics didn’t knock it out….so we have been here three days, and will be here 2 more.

    The ER doc said that cat bites are second only to snake bites in nastiness.

    (Backstory, hubs was house sitting for our friends, who have cats. THEIR neighbors’ cat came over and snuck in….was friendly and purring. Well, the purr was a lie when the cat realized my husband was taking it back outside and then the demon spawn excuse for a cat sunk its teeth into my husband’s hand. Cat is now under quarantine since assuming it had shots and proving it had shots are two different things… )

    1. Hellanon*

      This happened to a friend of mine – one of his own cats bit him on the wrist & he spent 5 days in the hospital on IV antibiotics. Nasty, nasty things, cat bites.

    2. neverjaunty*

      YES. Cat bites are basically bacteria injections, and since they’re so often to the hands – which are full of little pockets – they are very dangerous.

      1. Myrin*

        Yeah, our vet said the same the last time I was there with my late cat who had been bitten by our neighbour’s cat. He (our cat, not the vet who was female) had to have his whole leg shaved, the vet squeezed out what felt like a gallon of pus (no wonder he could only limp on three legs before I brought him in!), and had to put some highly effective black tar-like paste on the wound because normal salves often don’t really work. She then said that she uses that tar stuff on herself as well whenever she gets bit because she doesn’t want to risk infection.

        Apparently both my mum and sister have been lucky, then, since they get bitten by our neighbour’s cat all the time (now that I’m thinking about it, it’s always him, never our old cat; he wasn’t much of a biter, I’m realising now) and they only get deep and bloody wounds but nothing more. Figures that the one time I get bitten about a month ago was through two layers of clothing so while I didn’t bleed I had an enormous bruise in the shape of cat jaws on my upper arm!

        1. Seal*

          Same here. I’ve had 2 different cats that got bitten by other cats; both wound up with abscesses that had to be drained and treated with antibiotics. One got bit in the head (which is apparently quite common) and had to have half his head shaved; since he was a Persian, the poor thing looked like he got scalped. The most recent got bit in the tail, which had to be completely shaved, which wound up looking like a pitiful, shredded rat’s tail. According to both vets, cat bites tend to be puncture wounds that heal quickly, trapping all of the bacteria inside that leads to an infection. Nasty stuff.

    3. Turtlewings*

      I have both experienced and witnessed some exceptionally nasty cat bites, including one that left enormous bruises down my leg (yes, from the bite!) and one that left a scar on my sister’s arm that’s still visible after over a decade. Definitely take cat bites seriously, friends! Crossing my fingers for a swift recovery for your hubs.

      (I hope the quarantined cat comes out okay, too, poor thing.)

    4. mreasy*

      Amazing timing – I was just bitten severely for the first time by my elderly tabby (I was giving him a shot), and I had to get a tdap booster and go on a five-day course of antibiotics. It got really swollen for the first few days.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      UM YEAH. Two visits to the ER and two days in the hospital last summer after Pig died (and bit me in the process). I have never had that level of pain with any injury either. And reading online, that’s a good warning sign of major infection–pain that is way out of proportion to the injury. Also, my hand swelled up like a balloon, which was another good indicator something was very awry. I still have pain where she bit me near the big knuckle and my affected index finger is still slightly larger than the other one. I suspect that will either take a very long time to resolve or be permanent. :(

      I made a blog post as a PSA about this https://aelizabethwest.com/2016/07/14/cat-bites-are-dangerous-or-its-not-pigs-fault-her-mouth-was-a-steaming-cesspool-of-filth/

      I hope your husband makes a swift and full recovery with no complications.

      1. bunniferous*

        Thanks! In his case he has type 2 diabetes, which made this all extra fun. But he is on the mend and doing much better! I am going to check out your post and probably share it. People need to be aware!

    6. Meredith*

      I worked at a vet clinic in high school and the only real bite I got was from a cat who was biting to maim. Right through a quilt and into my index finger, to the​ bone. I went to urgent care right away and soaked it in antibacterial stuff, and was prescribed antibiotics, and it still got swollen and a little infected. It did heal, but cat bites are no joke.

    7. bkanon*

      Ugh, yes. Several years ago, I got bit by a stray cat. (Thought it was my fluffy black cat. It wasn’t.) Infected like whoa. AND since it was a stray with no way to ID shot status, I got to have rabies shots too! I told my friends I was going to go out and get bitten by other things just because I could. :)

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I love animals. But they carry “bugs” (viruses, bacteria, fungus) that can be fatal to humans if left unchecked. Even a healthy animal can be a host for such bugs. I know of two instances where a person got bit by their dog and died two weeks later. Granted these people were older and probably not at peak in terms of their immune systems. Probably for most of us we would just have difficulties for a while.
      It’s good to pay attention to what is happening, even scratches can cause difficulties in some settings.

      None of this stops me from having pets. But the fact that I have pets means that I have to be more aware of what is going on with my body. On a simpler level, I know I do have some pet allergies, this means taking on an animal goes hand-in-hand with dealing with some low grade allergies. It’s not enough to stop me. ;)

      An acquaintance drove this point home with me. At that time, I thought it was odd, perhaps a bit paranoid. But it turned into a valuable piece of advice just to have the added awareness of how our animals can impact our health.

    9. Windchime*

      I once got bit by a cat (its fang punctured my thumbnail!) and when I called the ER to see if I could just come in tomorrow during normal working hours, they said, “No! Come now!”. They almost treated it like a snake bite. They started me on antibiotics that very moment, tetanus shot, and they scrubbed and disinfected it to what seemed like a crazy degree. But it worked and I didn’t get an infection. I actually commented that they seemed to be treating it very seriously and they said, “It can be extremely serious”.

      Hope hubby is feeling better soon!

    10. tigerStripes*

      I’ve got 3 cats. If a bite breaks the skin, I wash with soap and water. I also stay up-to-date on tetanus shots. Only 1 of the cats bites much, so that helps.

  31. Myrin*

    I’m smack in the middle of Two Weeks of Doctors! Which I just realised sounds like a TV show but nay, I just have two weeks full of doctor’s visits and I’m right in the middle of those two weeks now.

    Anyway, went to the dermatologist’s on Wednesday because of some weird aberration on both of my eyelids. I’ve had one of those for more than a year now but the second one is pretty new. I’d already seen two other doctors about it and both didn’t have me convinced; I suspected it might be nettles or something similar. So I tried this practice I didn’t actually want to go to because the two main doctors I know from my hometown and because their son was in school with me and I don’t really like them but thankfully, there were two different doctors there and the one who saw me was very nice and competent. Turns out the spots are just a kind of eczema that are very common for people from my area (I live in the alps) and with a certain skin type, especially during the winter.

    One down, two to go.

    Because I’ll be at the ENT’s on Monday because of my septoplasty surgery in April. We’ll talk through it some more and I’ll also have to ask him if the things I got removed when I was eleven were my tonsils or adenoids – because the recent letter on tonsils had me thinking about it and then I found out that when people say “adenoids” in my language – which is definitely what we talked about when I was 11 – they mostly use it colloquially for tonsils?! I had no idea about that! Everyone I know always calls it tonsils! Not that it really matters fifteen years later but I’ve always been under the impression that I still have my tonsils so I got to know.

    Lasty, I have an appointment because of my back on Thursday. Thanks to everyone who commented on last week’s open thread that I should see a doctor. As I said there, I’m not someone who usually resists going to the doctor – quite the opposite, in fact! – but that seems to have been some kind of blind spot for me. I’ll report back with what he says next week!

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I hope all is well. I never heard of the eyelid thing before–is there some kind of plant or something in the Alps that people become allergic to? Or is it the way the air is during winter?

      I’ve always wanted to visit the Alps. Read Heidi way too many times, haha.

      1. Myrin*

        Yeah, it’s the air and also the water, which gets very chalky during wintertime. She said it’s something she sees somewhat regularly where people with a certain skin type develop these eczemas, especially on their faces. They’re not harmful and don’t hurt or itch, they just look rough/weird but you don’t really see them because the frame of my glasses blocks the way. I got a strong balm to put on in case it starts shedding strongly but my fear was that it might be something dangerous which I’m very glad isn’t the case.

        It’s quite beautiful here. The Alps literally start in my village – so you come in on flat ground and once you’re inside all around there’s mountains – although we do have our own weird and specific problems. I hope you’ll be able to visit some time! :D

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Ah, that’s interesting. I’ll keep that in mind.
          Yes, I’m DYING to visit. Sooner rather than later, I hope. I have many friends in Europe but I never can seem to get over there.

    2. Spoonie*

      Weird. As a kid, I had my adenoids and tonsils removed, so I thought they were two separate things because of various infection issues and it was en vogue then. I’m confused. Wonder how it’s listed on my medical records…

  32. librarian*

    I just want to say that The Miseducation of Cameron Post is one of the best books I’ve ever read, I heartily endorse that recommendation!

  33. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    For some reason, I am seriously missing college/law school lately, or at least the time before I was married. I do obviously love my wife, but I guess I miss being able to go out and do whatever I want whenever I want, and living in the city where one can walk most places. And living alone. I guess I’m just that much of an introvert!

    Does this happen to anyone else, absent fighting or being annoyed with one’s partner? I married my first same-sex relationship, at 23, so I don’t have the same life experiences as others.

    1. Trixie*

      I think some of the happiest couples I know (married or unmarried) continue going out with friends. Activities, bars, even vacations. Living in a walkable city/neighborhood is an amazing gift, I miss it.

      1. Trixie*

        I realize I didn’t specify socializing solo and without spouse or partner. Especially if there are things you like to do that the other person doesn’t. You don’t want to give up what’s important to you, helps maintain us as individuals.

    2. Steph*

      Oh gosh, that could be my head you’re narrating. Just sub 40 for 23. I very much enjoy my work trips for precisely that reason – not having to talk about what to do/watch/not do is great. I’m on sabbatical this year (ending soon, boo!), and have taken some solo vacations this past year. Wife totally understands and supports this, and I may continue once I’m back to work. I get a fair amount of vacation time, and she gets very little (working artist, no vacation time is sort of by choice). Anyway. Solo vacations and solo movies (pref the kind where you can order tickets online and get nachos and beer) are fab for this (happily!!) married introvert.

    3. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

      I feel the same way, more often than I’d like to admit. It’s gotten to where I really enjoy the Fridays or Saturdays that my husband works and my in-laws keep our son because I get to just be me, not Mom, or Wife, or whoever, just ME.

    4. overeducated*

      Sort of. I have been missing grad school, when I had a much more flexible schedule and a walkable commute, as well as the time before kids, which was more of a blow to my freedom than marriage was.
      I think spring is bringing out these feelings because I have so many good memories of springs past. Work and kids make life less carefree, more regimented. I can’t just go walk down a flowering street to work in a coffee shop all morning, or plan a spring break trip to see friends or family, and those were lovely.

      I know you have posted about some tough times with finances and health in your marriage in the past few months, so I think it is understandable to feel that way. Some seasons in life are easier than others and it doesn’t mean a rejection of the people tying you down. Can you treat yourself to something lovely by yourself this weekend, like a long walk (weather permitting) or a book and a nice pastry or drink at a cafe, while your wife does something else?

    5. Dizzy Steinway*

      We are both people who need their space and would go nuts without time apart. It’s okay to need your own time and space.

      My husband travels a lot for week and people often try to commiserate with how much that sucks. Uh no, I love it, I get space and time to myself. It’s not that I don’t love him. I just need my space too.

      1. Natalie*

        My husband and I have talked about living next door to each other or in separate halves of a duplex. If we weren’t thinking about having kids I think we’d do it. I just couldn’t figure out how to make it work with kids unless one of us is the primary caretaker, which seemed super unfair.

        1. Dizzy Steinway*

          I heard Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter have separate houses.

          I don’t think we’d do that, but I think if it works for you then why not.

        2. Mallory Janis Ian*

          My husband and I occasionally fantasize about two sides of a duplex or side-by-side tiny houses joined by a shared patio and laundry shed. Then we talk about adding a guest tiny house and letting our two kids, when they’re adults, add their own tiny houses to the property, and then the proliferation of all the imaginary tiny houses becomes too much to contemplate further and we give up the discussion.

    6. Natalie*

      Absolutely. My husband and I are both kind of introverts and we do a lot of stuff separately. It doesn’t need to be a big thing – he went camping with his dad one weekend, for example, and I stayed home and drank beer with our dog. (The dog didn’t get any beer.) I went on a long weekend trip with my book club another time. Lots of couples take separate vacations.

      I seem to recall a vacation might be a bit tough for your guys right now because of budget, but what if you did a “separate staycation” some weekend, where you just did all your own stuff one or two days? If you hate it you never have to do it again. :)

    7. Not So NewReader*

      It was an eye opener for me: Marriage is not a destination. It’s a journey.

      Our lives go on even though we are married.

      Looking back on my marriage I think I should have done more to develop my own interests and my own circle of friends. Just from the lack of thinking about it, my default was marriage should fill my life. And it did in some ways, but no spouse offers the comprehensive package of what we need in companionship. Going one step further, no spouse should be expect to provide comprehensive companionship nor should the spouse expect that of themselves.

      Simply stated: We need other people in our lives regardless of marital status.

      It’s my theory that spouses need to do things to keep themselves interesting to each other. Boredom, apathy, complacency can set in very easily.

      My suggestion is deliberately add things to your life. Add things that you do by yourself or with friends and encourage your spouse to do the same. If she tends to be introverted, then encourage her with hobbies, reading or whatever seems to fit with her interests. Encourage each other to continue to grow and develop.

      Marriage is a foundation or a platform in life. But life has many other aspects and it is okay to want to grow in different ways. Matter of fact, that can be a “symptom” of a good, health marriage, where you both continue to grow and expand as individuals.

  34. Legalchef*

    My mom showed my uncle a pic I sent her of me on my babymoon (in which I look adorable if I do say so myself!) and he sent me a text from her phone telling me I am “looking ripe” and asking if my husband is “ready to get baby shit under his fingernails.” My uncle and I are not at all close (for instance, he hasn’t reached out all since I told him I was pregnant in December).

    Am I wrong to be both squicked out that he told me I was looking ripe (bc ewww) and also really annoyed that he said that re my husband? I feel like it’s super condescending, like why is my husband any less ready to take on parenting duties than I am? This is a first kid for both of us (and also, who is ever ready to get baby shit under their fingernails?).

    I’m also pretty annoyed at my mom, who let him send that to me from her phone and doesn’t see any problem with it.

    1. babblemouth*

      “Ripe” gives me the creeps, and I’m not even you. The comment about your husband is sexist. You have free reign to be pissed off and tell your mom to stop sharing with your uncle.

    2. Myrin*

      EEEEEEEWW, that “ripe” comment gave me goosebumps – even just writing it down just now had shivers going down my back! D:

    3. Turtlewings*

      I think the “ripe” comment probably comes from a “ha ha, she’s fat” place more than a creepy one, but in poor taste either way.

      1. Legalchef*

        I’d rather think that then the creepy alternative, I guess. But what grown man with 3 kids of his own thinks it’s ok to even imply that a pregnant woman is fat???

      2. Rosemary*

        The ‘ripe’ comment strikes me more as mildly dehumanizing than size-ist, actually. I think in my (our? I’m American, not sure where all AAM’s readers come from! :) ) culture there are a lot of undercurrents in the way we talk about fertility that remove or downplay the woman’s humanity, and comparing her to a fruit or implying she’s about to be ‘harvestable’ (which comes with further implications that her main purpose is to breed, because what is the use of an unripe fruit?) strikes me as more creepy than merely ‘in poor taste’.

        Of course, it possible he meant the comment in BOTH its dehumanizing and fat-shaming interpretations! We don’t necessarily have to choose… :P

    4. overeducated*

      Whoa. Is your uncle normally the type who likes to make people laugh and push the envelope by saying inappropriate things? Because that’s what this sounds like.

      1. Legalchef*

        I think he thinks he is funny but he generally just comes off like a dick. He once told my mom he thought my husband was gay because he likes shoes.

    5. Thlayli*

      This may make me sound like a total bitch, but honestly I think you are being a bit sensitive.

      Clearly you have a different sense of humour to your uncle. Not everyone would be offended by that comment – I would have found it hilarious and read it out to my husband. He probably would have got offended by it lol (he’s a much mor sensitive soul than I am).

      Basically it seems like you are annoyed at your uncle because he has a different sense of humour than you do. If you have some reason to believe he was trying to hurt your feelings that would be different but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here – just different opinions about what’s appropriate to joke about.

      Falling out with your mum about this would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

      1. Legalchef*

        I mean, I never said I was going to have a falling out with my mom over this (I have many many other reasons to do that if I really wanted!). I’m just annoyed at her for not seeing how what he said could be at all problematic.

        1. Thlayli*

          Fair enough.

          Btw “ripe” literally means “ready to bear seed” so he was probably just saying u look really pregnant, same way someone else might say you’re glowing. I’m surprised some commenters think it’s in any way creepy.

          1. Legalchef*

            That’s what it literally means, but when people say “she’s looking ripe” that’s usually not what they mean

            1. Thlayli*

              I have never heard it used in a creepy way whatsoever. It’s possible your uncle hasn’t either. Not everyone uses the same slang.

              1. Thlayli*

                If it bothers you you always have the option of asking your mother “what do you think uncle means by “ripe”? Because when people I know say “ripe” they mean (insert whatever creepy interpretation you have here). Is that actually what he was saying?” There’s a good chance your mum will reply to say that actually no when she and her uncle were growing up ripe meant something totally different.

                If she saw the text and she didn’t think it’s offensive then there’s a really good chance that in the culture they grew up in it was not an offensive term. Language changes.

              2. Temperance*

                I’ve only heard it used in the crass manner to suggest that she’s ready to pop / explode and looking big, and in a gross manner. I guess it could be that he’s being super literal, but with his nasty comment about baby shit, it’s pretty likely that he was insulting her.

              3. Stardust*

                I really feel like you are the outlier here. I’ve literally never seen “ripe” applied to a person meaning anything but a lewd innuendo. If you ask me, Legal’s uncle was not only completely aware of the insinuation but actually intentionally used it; after all, she describes him as someone who thinks he’s oh-so-funny and clever but just comes across as a massive jerk. That’s exactly the kind of person who would say something like that.

                1. Thlayli*

                  I think we’re veering into armchair diagnosis here so I’m not going to get into a discussion of what the uncle must have meant based on the tiny details we know about him from one post.

                  There have been 4 separate interpretations of the comment on this thread alone. I’m sure other people use it to mean other things too. Legal has assumed that what was meant is the worst possible interpretation. Legals mother has seen the comment and presumably knows uncle quite well so it seems to me that the logical thing to do would be for Legal to ask mother for clarity. This may clear things up and make Legal feel better.

                  Alternatively mum could say “yes your uncle was making lewd comments about you and I’m ok with that”. In which case wow you have my utter sympathy and also maybe you should fall out with your mother after all.

                2. Hrovitnir*

                  Calling someone a jerk/speculating as to their motivations (as you certainly did above by saying what he “probably meant”) is not an armchair diagnosis.

                  His comment was creepy no matter what he meant, and as an adult human it’s on you to know that sending someone a comment like that when you’re not close to them and it’s devoid of tone has an incredibly high chance of you just coming across as an epic douchebag. You can do that if you want, but sometimes the consequences of your actions are that people want nothing to do with you.

    7. Temperance*

      Nope, that’s really gross. The ripe comment would really hurt me, FWIW. Not knowing your uncle, but knowing that he’s pretty crass and vulgar, I would be mad at your mother for giving him the opportunity to insult.

    8. OperaArt*

      I wonder if it’s an age-related thing, and how slang changes over time. I’m probably the same age as your mother and uncle. I had to go look up “ripe slang” to understand why everyone is getting squicked out. Now I see. But “ripe” 30-40 years ago when applied to a pregnant woman meant ripe-like-a-seed-ready-to-burst.
      So, not funny, but maybe not as gross as it appears?

      2. Manderley*

        I had to look it up, too. (I’m 47.) It meant seed-about-to-burst in my younger years as well.

    9. Hrovitnir*

      My sympathies. I think it could go either way on ripe meaning “ready to pop” (eugh) or that and *wink-wink-nudge-nudge* “haha, that sounds like something dirty.” Which… either way, nooooope.

      Of course, I happen to think that people should keep any comments about people’s bodies that have not been actively solicited to themselves, so there’s that. Pregnancy is not an exception.

      1. Legalchef*

        Yes! And also, I’m 6 mo, so clearly NOT ready to pop anyway. And even if I was… nope.

        1. TheLazyB*

          Oh weird in my opinion/experience a babymoon is when the parent/s take time off after the birth to spend with the baby. That totally affects my reading of it. But it’s weird and gross either way.

    10. LCL*

      You asked for opinion so, I got one. Your reactions are whatever they are, it’s not right or wrong to feel anything. It’s what you do with your feelings that affect your life. From my perspective, wow does your family overshare. I would never send such a pic to my mom. It sounds like this is part of how your family stays close to each other, by sharing posts and talking about them with other family members. Your uncle’s remark about babyshit under the nails sounds like something either of my parents would have said. And your mom should know that if you show a man a photo of a woman’s body and invite discussion, there will be discussion.

      1. Legalchef*

        I never thought it was oversharing to send a (fully clothed) picture to someone – if that’s the case, then isn’t any and every post on social media oversharing, particularly since comparative strangers will see it?

      2. GirlwithaPearl*

        I’m confused, what’s weird about the picture? I read it simply as a picture of herself while pregnant while she happened to be on her baby moon…

        Why is that an overshare?

          1. LCL*

            Well, obviously I haven’t seen the photo. A google image search on baby moon shows most of the photos highlighting the woman’s pregnancy. Their body, their choice, whatever and not my business. The overshare part is the mother taking posts that were sent to her and passing them round to the rest of the family.

            The idea of a baby moon, and calling it that, is a really new thing. Your mom and uncle’s generation are probably a little nonplused by the whole concept, and maybe a little envious. It’s easy to envy a person just starting a family and happy about it. Rather than say something nasty and envious, people hide in snark and alleged witty banter.

            1. CMT*

              Okay, but most pictures of pregnant women are by their very nature going to “highlight” the pregnancy. What would you like naked women to do? Stand behind things that hide their bumps?

    11. JHS*

      Both creepy and gross. Not funny at all, but I don’t think it was intended to be either. It was intended to get a reaction. Ew.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      In the best of settings your uncle is a very awkward person.

      As far as your mom not seeing any problem with it, I am more concerned about that because your uncle seems like a lost cause.

      Of this whole mess, I think my targeted solution would be to get mom not to involve uncle in my life. “No, you don’t have to understand WHY I want to distance myself from this person, all you have to know is that I want him away from me. I am asking you to respect my wishes even though you don’t understand/don’t believe it’s important/etc.”

      I also see nothing wrong with messaging back, “Wow, Uncle. That is really an inappropriate thing to say.” If you felt like it you could include, “Language changes. I don’t think you realize what you have just said. Do not speak to me like that again.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Whoops, wanted to add: match the way people come at you. If they say something inappropriate they have opened that door where you can now tell them they are inappropriate.

  37. The Cosmic Avenger*

    Oh, so to follow up on last week’s license plate frustrations: tl;dr version, we got them in time, and everything’s fine.

    Of course they didn’t call me Monday morning, so I called them Monday around 1pm to ask WTF was going on, and they said they were expecting them in that afternoon. Now we were bracing for a storm (that fizzled out, but obviously we had no idea at the time), and I wasn’t optimistic about being able to pick up the plates on Tuesday or Wednesday. It’s also a 40-minute round trip, I had just been there a few weeks before, and in any case I could have made it there much more easily on the weekend, but it appeared Monday would be the only day I could pick them up IF they came in. So once I was told they were actually there, I went by there on my way home from work, which is kinda out of my way but not the opposite direction (40 minutes driving vs. 25 normally). Of course, I had to put them on myself that night because otherwise I’d have to put them on in the snow.

    I did find out that their tag and title person retired after decades of being a one-person department, and they still didn’t think they had the lien release for our trade-in…that I had turned in 3 weeks before. Now I am thinking that the delay was only because of disorganization, I don’t think they intentionally delayed it because of the trade-in, I think that was just a convenient excuse. I also finally got an apology out of the manager after basically demanding one, but it sounded mostly sincere. He actually had the nerve to complain that he was trying to help but at this point he couldn’t go back and change things. I reminded him that no one had apologized for the delay and trouble yet, and I had apologized plenty for the mistakes of coworkers and clients, it’s part of providing service and keeping customers happy.

    It was satisfying trashing the dealership-branded plate frames, though, and now I’m done with them. I will probably write a review eventually, but I really should wait at least a few weeks to make sure it’s more objective.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      It sounded like they did not know what they were doing and their loss of that employee verifies that. I still say though that the problem is on them. Lack of planning for a loss of an employee should not be the customers’ problem, yet it happened here. Makes you wonder what else is amiss there.
      Good idea to just move on. There are plenty of other places that will be very happy to have your business.

  38. Lacking focus*

    I find I’ve been rather distracted lately. Whenever I’m trying to read a report (especially a very technical or lengthy one) my mind starts wandering in all sorts of weird directions and I’d stop every second paragraph to google random stuff that I’ve suddenly started thinking about for no reason.

    My friend suggested meditating to help with that, but I’ve never tried that (or anything zen-related) before, so I don’t even know where to start. Anyone have tips on this (or on regaining focus in general)?

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      Mindfulness sounds a bit hokey but it’s really worth giving it a try. I find it really does help me stop that wandering mind.

      One simple thing you can do is a body scan. If you google for ‘mindfulness body scan’ you should find stuff.

    2. The RO-Cat*

      Mindfulness: some time ago I listed some resources (in a similar open thread, Christmas 2016), maybe you can find that. I started with Headspace (the free part) and stumbled upon Palouse Mindfulness, which is a free online MBSR (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction) program. Take it easy, expect nothing and you’ll see!

      One more thing: even if mindfulness sounds new-age-y (and some use this package to sell it, which I loathe), there is actually quite a lot of scientific research proving its effects. Not only on the psyche, mind you (!), but at a cellular level, too. That last bit comes from a Nobel Prize laureate (Katherine Blackburn, Nobel 2009 in medicine for her work on telomeres – look for her book The Telomere Effect) and she said there is causation, not mere correlation between practicing mindfulness meditation and health and life span (in general scientists avoid stating causation because many other variables can interfere – so, when one claims causation it’s generally 100% or above). There’s a lo of info online, look it up before deciding.

    3. LizB*

      For meditating, Calm is a good free app to get some of the basics; I also really like Headspace.

      One thing I do when I’m having a distracted day is use the put-it-in-the-parking-lot strategy: whenever my brain starts wandering onto some more interesting topic, I have a piece of paper or a google doc where I’ll quickly jot down what I’m thinking about so I know I won’t forget it. Then I go back to the thing I need to focus on. Repeat as necessary. I can come back to my paper or document when I’m done, and do all my fun googling then.

      Also, from a purely practical standpoint, you could look into the software program SelfControl, which I believe is for Macs only, but there should be an equivalent for other operating systems. It totally shuts down your access to websites you list for an amount of time you designate, to the point where even restarting your computer won’t unblock them. It came in extremely handy in college.

  39. Jean who seeks freedom from clutter*

    AAM clutterbugs: I’m spending another weekend ditching garbage and sorting whatever specimens survive my glare-and-purge campaign. Does anyone else want to join the fun by posting their progress over the weekend?
    So far I’ve sorted, filed, or shredded the past week’s worth of mail; cleared off the mess on and under our couch; gathered up a ton of recycling (mostly newspapers and a few food containers); and cleared off about 60% of the clutter on our dining table. I’m taking a break now to fit in a walk outdoors (nice weather!). Will return later for more work. It’s not fun, but it feels good to have less stuff in our home.

    1. Trixie*

      It may not be “fun” but it’s so energizing to get it down. On the flip side, I find it calming to enjoy these newly-uncluttered spaces. It’s easier to maintain when these periodic purges are kept up. I plan to do the same with clothes in storage. I don’t have a lot but there are pieces I haven’t worn in forever that can go away.

    2. salad fingers*

      I like this idea! I won’t be at home for most of the weekend, but I will add something here later (junk mail – it’s driving me crazy atm!) if I find the time to do it :-)

    4. Hellanon*

      I just took about 20lbs of work-appropriate clothes I am no longer wearing down to our local woman’s shelter, where I hope they’ll make better use of them than I was!

    5. Elizabeth West*

      That reminds me; I need to find out where to drop the books the thrift store wouldn’t take. And to arrange another thrift store pickup while I’m still at home every day. Then I can make another pile in the garage to get rid of (there’s no room right now).

      I’m having the WORST time getting rid of craft stuff. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I think if I organize it into projects, then I can see realistically which ones I will actually do and which I can go “Pffft” at. I tried pretending I was about to move house and that didn’t work.

      1. Hellanon*

        Local public library? I take all mine up to the South Pasadena library, where the book sales are insanely popular.

          1. A Day at the Zoo*

            Train stations — there are often racks of free books in the station houses. Nursing homes sometimes need them too.

      4. The Cosmic Avenger*

        If your local library won’t take them, Google Green Drop and see if they’ll pick up.

      5. Trixie*

        I usually find donating less painful when I know someone will use the items sooner than I will. Plus, I can always purchase new supplies at a later date. Many times that’s easier than carting a craft room from state to state.

      6. Undine*

        Is there a Little Free Library anywhere in your town? Probably not, but you could look. There are a bunch in my city, people leave books and take books.

      7. Windchime*

        Good luck with the craft purge, Elizabeth. It took me 25 years to throw away a partially-done latch hook rug that I started in the ’80’s. I think I still have an embroidery project that I started when my son was a baby. He’s now a 31 year old cop.

        1. NaoNao*

          This made me laugh knowingly. I’m not a crafter, but my mom is *just* like this and she passed down the crafting gene to my sister, who will never give away an un-done craft if her life depends on it!

    6. Epsilon Delta*

      That’s great to hear! I have been trying to declutter the house room by room when we paint or do renovations. It is a losing battle for me. I carry out multiple boxes of stuff to get rid of, yet the overall amount of Stuff still seems the same. Or I will declutter one spot, only to have a pile show up somewhere else!

    7. Red*

      I can see my desk again!

      Yes, that is in fact a huge victory. It was covered in debris from my life.

  40. TheLazyB*

    Oh my god i am so ridiculously sad. And still can’t cry.

    Small Child won’t stop playing on the damned ps4 and i haven’t got the energy to make him stop.

    In totally unrelated news, i managed to read that the book Alison recommended​was by Emily Post.

    1. Merry and Bright*

      Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve been through a rough time and there’s no timetable for crying. I couldn’t cry for ages when my grandparents died, and when I did it was unexpected things that made it happen.

    3. Troutwaxer*

      17 years later I still haven’t cried over my mom. I’m still just too pissed at her for the way she handled her cancer. The thing is, you don’t have to. There’s no obligation to cry. You get to handle it your way.

      1. TheLazyB*

        Generally, I cry. It’s hard for me that I can’t.

        My sister gets angry whenever she thinks about my grandparents as she thinks it’s their fault she had a heart attack. She’s probably at least partly right. It’s so hard to unpick everything.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          It’s true, our parents’ passing does tug at our own health and pull it downwards. I read somewhere that the grief process involved with the death of a parent brings on our own downward spiral which eventually kills us. Apparently, doctors know this. Puts the questions they ask about parents in a new light, eh?

          When my father passed, I went into irregular heart beats. I loaded up on a bunch of vitamins to get myself through that time. Then when my husband passed, the irregularity started again. Second time, I knew it was my grief manifesting in my health and I got into the vitamins quicker.

          1. TheLazyB*

            Oh my goodness really?! How scary and amazing and awesome (in the ‘inspiring awe’ sense.

            Worth me thinking about that IRT my mum. Thank you.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Sometimes I wonder if I talk about grief too much, but really we (society) do not understand just how powerful a force grief is. I do think it is important for us to talk with each other about grief.

              Statistics show that upon the death of one spouse the surviving spouse’s chances of surviving the next TWO years drop considerably. And this goes cuts through any demographic you can think of- race, age, income, gender, nationality, etc. (I was 45 when my husband died. I can tell you the second year is worse than the first year. Who’d thunk. No wonder some people don’t make it.)

              I think eventually they will come up with similar stats for older people who lose adult kids. Three of my father’s sibs lost adult children. All 3 sibs were dead within two years of their adult child’s passing. The loss was crushing.

              Grief sets off processes in the body that can be very wearing for overall health. I am a big fan of telling people to cry when they need to, it’s a thing they can do on their own and it causes a chemical reaction in the brain that helps to keep the brain healthy.
              Taking walks is also a very simple thing that can be very beneficial. The trick is to keep doing it.

              1. TheLazyB*

                I love that you talk about it. It makes me feel normal.

                That fact about your father’s siblings losing adult children any dying within a couple of years is… i can’t think of a single word. Terrifying+awe-inspiring+incredible. Horrible for your family to live through.

    5. TheLazyB*

      Thanks all. I cried last night thank god and the five year old hugged me and patted my back. I made sure he knew I wasn’t crying about anything he’d done btw. Oh and I ended up switching the PS4 off before that; he cried but got over it fairly fast.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This is going to sound like a stupid thing to say. Have you thought about going for a massage? Sometimes massage therapists can hit points that will trigger tears. And it is not because the massage hurts, the massage itself is fine. The best way I can describe it is sometimes our muscles clench. And with that comes a problem with producing needed tears. The massage therapist loosens some muscles and suddenly we are able to release tears. YMMV, of course.

        1. TheLazyB*

          I had a massage 2 weeks ago and am going back soon :) I had my first grief counselling appointment this week and that really helped. at the end I said that i felt like my emotions have the tingly feeling your mouth gets before a dental injection wears off: you know it’s gonna hurt soon but it doesn’t hurt yet. I came out feeling less numb. It felt good.

          Thank you as always NSNR

  41. Daphne*

    I’m 32, is it too late to hope I’ll ever find my significant other?

    I recently moved to a big city from a smaller one, and I’m not even sure where to begin trying to ‘meet someone’. It just feels like it’s so easy for other people to ‘click’ with someone and I’m just…a random stray.

    1. soupmonger*

      Good grief no! After years of serial monogamy, I took a management job in a city I moved to for the job; I was 35. Meeting people was … hard, and meeting potential dates was impossible. You meet people to date when you’re out and about (or I always had), and if you’re always out and about on your own, you’re not in the places you’d meet a date (pub, club, etc). So in the dark ages of 2005, I started online dating. Sometimes fun, sometimes weird, occasionally both. And yes, I finally met someone I liked enough to marry, so at the age of 43, I married for the first time. So no, you’re not even a little bit too late.

    2. Gracie*

      It’s not too late and don’t push yourself into anything.

      I was the same way when I was 32 and between my mother telling me that I was gonna never find anyone and die alone and my own fear of that, I latched on to the first person who showed interest. We had a few things in common so I told myself he was the one and less than a year later, we married. Less than a year after that, I took a long hard look at what I had done to myself and we were separated. Now (x amount of years later XD ) I have found someone and it was in an unexpected place. So don’t give up but don’t rush into anything that you might regret.

    3. Katie the Fed*

      Not at all!

      I was 32 when I decided I was going to give online dating a try as a new year’s resolution. 2 weeks later I went on a date with my now-husband, and the rest is history :)

      FWIW, neither my husband or I ever dated much or had many serious relationships. We’d each had a serious relation in our early 20s and then a LONG dry spell because we’re both socially awkward workaholics :)

    4. AlaskaKT*

      Not at all! Husband was 31 when we got together, 32 when we married, and I’m only the second person he’d ever dated! Sometimes it takes time to click with people. Also, online dating apps are a great way to meet people, even just for friends. It’s pretty easy to weed out people you wouldn’t get along with well.

      1. the gold digger*

        My sister, who married when she was 42? 43? met her husband online. My cousin met her husband online. I have several friends who have met their spouses online. Online dating can work!

      2. Kimberlee, Esq*

        Yep, I know several couples who met and had very successful relationships online. It’s super common.

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I met my partner when I was 32. I had basically resigned myself to a life alone (which is NOT as defeatist as it sounds– it was actually quite freeing). I dated a guy for about 3 months before my 32nd birthday, he/dating him was a disaster, and I sunk into a depression that felt like it would never end. I lost 15 pounds in the worst way anyone can– I was depressed and couldn’t eat. A mess. But I had a trip with friends to look forward to, and I realized I had built myself a pretty great life on my own, so I managed to recover (SSRIs helped). I went on that trip, met my boyfriend, rest was history. It’s been nearly 6 years.

      One thing that is so important about that time for me is that I decided that love is a choice. Relationships are a choice. Meaning, I choose every day to be with this man and in this relationship. Do I want to live without him? No. But I can, and that’s the important thing. We’ve built a life together, but it’s like a Venn diagram of lives. That philosophy doesn’t work for everyone, I know, but when you treat your single life as Just Right on its own, it makes a relationship less of a must-have and more of a want.

      Also, tips for meeting people, besides online: the types of hobbies that require community, like set classes, teams, or musical groups. Volunteer, for sure. If you have a religious community, do an activity there, and don’t forget to talk to the older people. First, they’re often really fun, and second, they’re the ones who know people to introduce you to.

      1. Gracie*

        I met the ‘one’ in a video game and we bonded over that and all the stuff we had in common. Now I’m moving across country to be with him. So it can always be in an unexpected place.

        Kind of funny because I had just come to the realization that my happiness isn’t based on being with someone but being happy with myself. Being with someone is just a bonus to that happiness and my partner is that. We are happy when we are together and separately.

    7. the gold digger*

      I met my husband at our 20 year college reunion. So nope, it’s not too late. (And he came with lovely bonus daughters from his first marriage who have accepted me as part of his life and now we have lovely bonus grandchildren.)

    8. TeaLady*

      I was 32 when I met my first long term partner, and 42 when my current partner and I got together

    9. Natalie*

      It’s absolutely not too late, as others have said. I met my husband at around that same age. (We met online.)

    10. Anonand*

      9/10 Americans marry at some point in their lives, so statistically don’t worry. I put a list of 5 qualities I was looking for in a partner and networked for dates for 2 years. I shared this list with people who knew me–work, friends, my parish. It was the vetting of others that helped–no more online stuff where people were not a good match.it yielded the best quality dates and eventually, my husband. Know yourself and what you need and then go and search for it.

      1. Kristen*

        I feel that this is great advice. I was going to say to let the new friends you’re making know that you’re looking for someone. I think both men and women like playing matchmaker when they’re introducing two people they care about.

        1. blackcat*

          This is very true, even just for friend match-making. I have introduced two sets of now best friends–introducing people I went to high school with to people I went to college with, who have similar interests and landed in the same city.

          It warms my heart to see pics of either pair doing stuff on facebook.

    11. Turtlewings*

      I am also 32, really wanting to marry and wondering if I’ll ever find anyone, and reading the responses here is really encouraging. The two guys I have gone out with (yeah, grand total of two, in my life) I met online, so that’s where I’m focusing my efforts, but all I seem to find lately is desperate creeps. :/ Well, it only takes one winner, right?

    12. Minerva McGonagall*

      I met my wife when she was 35. We joke that the fates were waiting for me to be legal before introducing us; I was 23. A very old 23. She was a very young 35. We’ve been together nearly 20 years.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      Heck no!
      My friend was in his late forties when he met his wife. At age 52, he now has his first child.
      Another friend is back in the dating scene at age 38. He is thrilled about finding nice people.
      My 70 plus year old friend found a lady and they had a committed relationship until he passed. He was in his 80s.

      No, you are never too old to find someone. Never.

    15. SophieChotek*

      No I don’t believe so. My mom adopted me when she was 33 or so and didn’t get married until she was 50-ish but they’e been together ever since then.

    16. Red*

      Oh god, no. People find love at any and every age. You see it happen on kindergarten playgrounds and in nursing homes and everywhere in between. It’ll happen.

      As far as practical advice, I found my husband online and a friend of mine was introduced to hers though a mutual friend after she was saying how she wanted to find her man already.

  42. Anon hiding out*

    I’ve been dealing with some stressful situations lately- work and family stuff – and I’ve finally concluded that I’m probably depressed. Work is awesome, but some potential changes (personal and company-wise) are on the horizon that are making me nervous. Without going into detail, myfamilyis awesome and I love them dearly, but they are really stressing me out lately for Reasons, some of which work stuff.

    I’m off work today and spent most the morning in bed with the excuse of being tired and having a headache coming on, but honestly didn’t feel like doing anything and have been weepy all day (… and for months really). Can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything when I’m home, which is really bad since I’m still finishing up classes (I graduate with my bachelors in two months and I cannot wait).

    On top of all that, I’ve had issues with ADHD pretty much my whole adult life, and certain types of stress make it worse, so some days I come home from work and try to sit down and focus on school and I can’t get my brain to settle down enough to even process the questions.

    It’s all super frustrating, but the constant feeling of being vaguely sad and not being able to motivate myself to do really basic stuff is the worst.

    Any suggestions, AAM?

    1. Katie the Fed*

      Definitely talk to your doctor and/or a therapist. You have nothing to lose, and much to gain. I struggled with depression several years ago and found a therapist who helped me with some things. I also got diagnosed with a thyroid disorder and vitamin D deficiency and treating those helped tremendously.

    4. Gracie*

      Wow… I could have written that post. The first thing I would suggest is talk to your doctor. If you aren’t on medication for the ADHD, talk to them about it. There are new medications that aren’t adderall that can really help. They really improved my quality of life (and of the coworkers and family that I was driving crazy without realizing it) There are also other things that can help with it. Vitamins, Essential oils and such. I’m not sure what your take is on medicines but you should do research to see what fits your needs.

      For the depression, talk to the dr too. Depression could be stress but it can also be a chemical imbalance. I would try therapy of some sort before resorting to medicines. If your doctor does decide to prescribe you a medicine, do your research into what they want you to take before you take it and ask questions.

      From your post, it feels like you are in a vicious cycle with the ADHD and depression and taking care of one of them may break the cycle and improve your life. I’m really sorry this is happening to you and I wish there was more that I could do than respond to your answer.

      It was really hard for me because my family didn’t understand anything at all. When I would try to explain my depression, I basically was asked, “What do you have to be sad about?” Just don’t give up and keep talking to someone, even if its just a bunch of people on a forum. :)

      1. Anon hiding out*

        Blah, yes, especially with the family stuff. I’ll be on the verge of tears on day and my mom will want to know what’s wrong and Im just like “Everything!” But truthfully, while I may be able to pinpoint something or a collection of things that are making me frustrated or sad right that moment, the real issue is that those things shouldn’t be producing such a massive emotional reaction so regularly.

        2. Gracie*

          My therapist told me that depression is like riding a rollercoaster that never has those high points. You are just riding along at the regular height and suddenly there is an unexpected scary dip and then you go back up to the regular height for a bit. Sometimes you stay down in the dip for a while (or a long while depending how bad it is). There’s no rhyme or reason to any emotional outburst. (I had one because my sister drove around the block to avoid some traffic)

          The best thing is to talk to your doctor. Have them recommend a therapist or something. And if you don’t have help for your ADHD, get some. It will relieve some of your stress and probably improve your depression. If you don’t want to take medicine, there is a salve that some lady made for her son using essential oils and now she sells it. One of my coworkers says that it works for her daughter. I’ve tried something similar and noticed an improvement but I’m sure its different for different people.

          1. Mallory Janis Ian*

            Gah, that’s how I’ve been feeling lately: I stay at a normal or low-normal height for awhile, and then the least little setback or negative thought process will cause my mood to totally bottom out for days.

            I woke up having an anxiety attack at three a.m. over deadlines at work. My husband got up with me and I told him that I was going to have to quit my job and leave the state and never face anyone ever again if I didn’t make the deadline. At the time, I totally meant every bit of it; I couldn’t see any other way out and I felt like I needed to breathe into a paper bag. I felt doomed as I went to work the next morning, but then I easily met the deadline and wasn’t run out of town on a rail. I had an emotional hangover for another day or so after that, and then I went back to normal again.

            But I’ve had a few repetitions of feeling worthless and panicked about it, so I’ve had one visit to the EAP and another scheduled for Monday. I can have eight free visits per year, then I’ll get my own therapist if I still need to. I’ve also made an appointment with my PCP to see if I need any depression or anxiety meds.

    5. Steph*

      Definitely talk to your dr, whichever one you feel most comfortable with. I pretty much marched into my obgyn appt about 6 yrs ago and said, my pms is off the rails and I’m spending many days each month wanting to cry all the time or punch people all the time, and we need to do something. She put me on Zoloft and after some time to get the dosage right, it’s been a night and day difference. Like, clouds vs sunshine. Which isn’t to say meds work for everyone, and these days I’m starting to wonder if I need to bump up a bit, but I’m particularly proud of having asked for what I needed, when I usually just lowball symptoms and wait to see what the dr thinks.

    6. chickabiddy*

      Doctor and therapy, as everyone else suggested, but while you are waiting to get seen and possibly get a prescription, there is some decent evidence that certain fish oils can do a lot for depression and I believe they can also help ADHD. I am not a doctor or anything like that, but the head of the practice (he is an MD) where my daughter is seen for ADHD and anxiety has written a lot on it and it seems pretty promising. The downsides are minimal — maybe some fishy burps — and it may be worth a try. I am not trying to push or spam, but if you are interested in his article, I can link it later.

      2. Anon hiding out*

        I’d love to read the article! I am currently taking an omega 3 oil to help with the ADHD and it does make a big difference, so yay!

    7. Vancouver Reader*

      I just want to say thank you for posting this because I’ve been feeling the same, and while I don’t wish these feelings on anyone, it’s also kinda comforting to not feel so alone (and crazy).

      1. Anon hiding out*

        Aw thanks – I’m glad it can be helpful to someone because yeah, feeling this way sucks. But we’re gonna make it!

    8. Anon hiding out*

      Thanks so much for all your feedback! It helps so much to be able to talk about it and have people “get it.” A lot of the suggestions re: vitamins, etc. are things I’m currently doing, so it’s good to know I’m on the right track there! I’m only seeing one doctor currently at a combo traditional clinic/chiropractor who is a chiropractor I’ve been seeing for perpetual headaches and frequent migraines. I did talk to him about a year ago about some pms issues with mood swings, wanting to cry a lot for no reason (not really sad, just physically emotional even when I wasn’t really upset) and he had me start taking a non-prescription pill to help balance hormone production so it wasn’t so much of a roller coaster, which did help at the time, but I have so many other issues now.

      Really appreciate all your suggestions!

    9. Observer*

      Start with a full medical. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, and that you are actually sleeping the night through. Make sure you are getting sunlight and some exercise. Vigorous exercise 3 times a week is good, but even making sure that you walk around a few times a day, and get a longish walk most days, is a starting point.

      It also wouldn’t hurt to see a therapist, either.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      The weepies can be tied to lack of vitamins and minerals as many have said. I would like to suggest a drink with electrolytes in it while you contemplate your next steps. Okay, have a few drinks…..
      Heart and thyroid can run down when we are stressed and you sound very stressed. Vitamins for the heart may be supportive for you.

      Check your diet. Crap foods will add to our stress levels.
      Make sure you are taking in enough water everyday and your bowels are working every day. (Sorry that was graphic, but it’s useful to know this.)

      Watch yourself talk. Do you try to comfort yourself or does your mind just ramble on and on? Try to think of affirmations to tell yourself. Interrupt Ramble Brain and deliberately tell yourself something positive.

      Plans. Do you try to develop a plan for whatever is of concern? This is an important way we comfort ourselves. Can you count on you to make a basic plan and commit to it? This is reeeeally hard stuff, but when we fail to meet our commitments to ourselves it’s like throwing gas on a fire. We can make our own thinking tank even lower.
      Additionally, keep plans simple so that you actually do them. Don’t pick things that are not within reach right now. Put yourself where you will have successes, even if they are minor successes in your opinion, it’s still important to actually succeed at something.

    11. Soupspoon McGee*

      Talk to your primary care provider. Consider counseling to unpack what you’re feeling and what you want to do about it. Make yourself get outside in the sunshine–if you can, do something physically active to increase endorphins and feel a burst of happiness (or not-unhappiness). Make sure you’re getting enough vitamin D. If your depression is seasonal, invest in a Happy Light.

  43. nep*

    Sorry you’re having to deal with all this.
    Not to put everything down to nutrients, but when looking to resolve such things, it’s always a good idea to be sure you are not deficient in some things like vitamin D , magnesium…
    How are you sleeping?
    Wishing you good luck in finding solutions. Keep us posted.

    1. nep*

      Did it again — meant for Anon hiding out.
      (And just to stress — I simply mean that in tandem with seeking help, good to ensure your body and brain are get what they need.)

    2. Anon hiding out*

      Yeah, I’m trying to figure out if it might be a nutrient deficiency. I currently take vitamin d and magnesium (those were two of my first guesses too!). I’m sleeping really well actually- tired and fall asleep quickly, but usually wake up a few minutes before my alarm and ready to get up. I’m also trying to work on eating better since I haven’t been doing real well with that lately (lots of sugar and not so much “real food”). Thanks for the suggestions!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Sugar can get us on a roller coaster.

        You can make your own electrolyte drink if you wish.

        I use a Mason canning jar, 1 quart size with a plastic screw on lid.
        The recipe makes two servings, one for morning and one for night.

        1 quart of water
        1/4 teaspoon of sea salt
        1/4 teaspoon of baking soda

        That’s it. Shake it up because it will settle out.

        This helps with all kinds of stuff. My friend started using it and she said her problems with urgency (rushing to the bathroom suddenly) cleared right up. She was not using this drink for that purpose, so this was a bonus. It’s amazing what happens when we bring our mineral levels back up.

  44. Manders*

    I’m looking into buying a condo, amd I’m excited/terrified. Everything looks great on paper but is confusing when you try to get anything done (and none of the listings on Zillow are real, for some reason?). I love making spreadsheets and calculating payments but the logistics of looking for listings are confusing the hell out of me.

    Homeowners, what do you wish you would have known at this stage in the process? I’m already preapproved for a good amount at a decent rate. My realtor is a family member so I’m positive his advice is good, but there’s just so much I don’t know.

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      It’s not that the listings on zillow aren’t real, it’s that they aren’t always updated, so things that are sold are still listed for sale. Realtors really want to preserve their business, so you can’t see what Realtors see without one, or at least without paying for access to the real MLS listings.

    2. Cristina in England*

      Do you know where you want to move to, area-wise? I find that the more open a search is, the more overwhelming it is. It is easier when you have some constraints, like that you absolutely want to be in X area or you have a dog and a car so you need to have a yard and garage, or you have limited mobility so you don’t want stairs.

    3. Natalie*

      I love spreadsheets, too, but that’s not where you want to focus right now. :)

      Firstly, figure out what your budget is, don’t use what you were pre-approved for. They will pre-approve you for frankly bananas amounts of money for reasons I don’t understand. Determine what you can afford per month and then calculate how big of a mortgage that is, or ask your mortgage broker/bank. With a condo, don’t forget condo fees. Those can vary significantly, so this might be a place where a spreadsheet will be helpful – say you can afford $1,500 a month. You can make a chart showing how much mortgage that is if you have condo fees of $100, $200, $300 etc, so you have a quick reference.

      Once you’ve figured out your budget, think about what you’re looking for. What neighborhoods do you want to live in? What sort of appliances or flooring matter to you? What do you want to be close to? You will most likely have a lot of things, but you want to think about what your dealbreakers are. Mine were hardwood floors, more than 1 bathroom, gas heat/stove rather than electric, older than 1940, no stucco, and no chain link fences.

      Get a login for MLS from your realtor. They can help you set up search parameters so it will only show you condos in your budget, in the areas you chose on the map, and with the dealbreaker criteria you put in. Search there rather than Zillow. But don’t search too “hard”, so to speak – you’re really just making a list of houses that you are willing to look at. You have to walk around in a house to know whether or not you want to buy it.

      It’s corny, but when you get to the house you want, you’ll just know. And if you’ve been realistic about your budget and your search criteria, you can comfortably pull the trigger knowing that you already filtered the homes so that you’re only looking at ones that are appropriate for you.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        My rule of thumb is take what you are pre-approved for an reduce it by 33%. If you are a very, very cautious person then reduce the amount by more than that percentage.

        I am agree that spreadsheets are not going to help and will only confuse you.

        I would write out a list of “must haves” and “nice to haves”. Kind of like writing a grocery list but on a grander scale.
        Under must haves I put:
        area for dog run
        garage
        laundry room near kitchen
        house on one level
        guest room
        neighbors close by
        price range X to Y

        Under “nice to haves”:
        den/library area
        TWO car garage
        Work area in basement
        porch

        If you have strong negative feelings about certain things, you could make a very short list of no-nos.
        I had:
        NO gas for heat or stove (I hate-hate gas for reasons.)
        No steep driveways
        No remote areas

        I ended up with everything on my must have list, a couple things on my nice to have list and I avoided things on my no list. We probably looked for a year before we found this place.

    4. Sibley*

      My realtor told me to use Realtor.com, that it was the most frequently updated one. Even then, there is a lag.

      Good luck! I found the house I want yesterday, and will be putting an offer in today.

  45. Emilia Bedelia*

    Phone recommendations?

    After almost 5 years and 4 replaced screens, my poor old Nexus 4 is on its last legs. I’m planning on using it until the bitter end but I’m starting to look at new phones. The Pixel looks awesome and my Google loyalist side wants it very badly, but I’m not sure it would be worth the $650-700 to me (again, I’ve been using a phone from 2012 for years… My standards are low, apparently)

    I mainly just want to get something nice that will stay usable for years (like my Nexus!) Anyone have an Android they particularly recommend? Is the Pixel worth it?

    1. Apollo Warbucks*

      Two friends from work have brought a pixel in the last week or so, they’re very happy with them.

      I just got an iPhone 7 and really like it so far.

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      I love my Samsung Galaxy 7, and you will pry it out of my cold dead hands. ;)

      With the 8 out soon, the price of the 7’s will be dropping.

      2. Cruciatus*

        My lost phone I lamented about above is a Galaxy S7. It’s a great phone–just don’t lose it in a snow drift. I’m still optimistic it’s waterproofed enough that I’ll still be able to use it if I find it…

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Don’t feel bad, I dropped my S7 Edge on the sidewalk, and guess what I discovered? The back can shatter like glass! I assumed it was metal, but mine has spiderweb cracks in two corners now. *sigh*

          1. Cruciatus*

            I found my phone! And realized I can’t take the glass back cover off so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about drying it besides just waiting. It’s in rice but I’m not sure why…just the whole phone together in rice. I also didn’t realize until it was a glass cover until just now looking online to see why I couldn’t take the back off and all the articles said “glass cover”. But I’m hoping that seal it has has kept it from getting water logged. It actually looks just fine. Not a lot of water was on it at all since it was packed in snow. I’m more worried the prolonged exposure to cold will have ruined it, though, again, being packed in snow would have protected it somewhat. Sorry about the cracks on your phone! If mine does truly work again, it may be time for me to upgrade to a more hardcover case.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I love mine too. I named him Arlo. :)

        Poor Bob (my Galaxy S4). He was a great phone but could not survive being dropped so many times. I bought Arlo an Otterbox when I got him because I’m hella clumsy.

        1. Jessesgirl72*

          I pay $10/month to TMobile so that if I shatter mine or lose it in a snowbank or just decide I have to have the S8, I can get my phone replaced. ;)

      4. Emilia Bedelia*

        I have heard good things about the 7 – it’s definitely on my list of things to look at! Good to see that so many people like it.

      5. Jen RO*

        I had a Nexus 5 and really, really wanted a Pixel, but I got an S7 for my birthday. My boyfriend did the research and said that the S7 and Pixel were comparable in terms of stats, but the S7 was half the price.

        I will admit I was disappointed at first (I wanted stock Android), but the S7 isn’t bad and the Samsung stuff is not very visible. I’ve only had it for a month or so, but so far, so good.

    3. KR*

      I love my first gen Droid Turbo and I hear the Turbo II is even better and has a truly unbreakable screen. My screen isn’t unbreakable and is expensive to replace but the phone is fast and the screen is huge despite some wear and tear. Definitely will be sticking with the Droid Turbo line in the future.

      1. Red*

        I have the same phone, and came here to recommend it. I’m not picky about phones, but it’s good and durable and I appreciate the turbo charging thing.

    4. Dr. KMnO4*

      I LOVE my Pixel. I switched from an LG G3 to a Pixel and it was a great decision. One of the best things about the Pixel is that it has no bloatware on it. I was super upset that AT&T/LG/whoever just allows Uber and other companies to pre-install their apps on your phone and make it so you can’t uninstall them without putting your phone at risk (something about “root” or other technospeak I don’t understand). The Google Pixel has none of that nonsense on the phone. And your photos are backed up to Google Photo so you don’t lose them.

      1. Emilia Bedelia*

        That’s why I liked the Nexus and why I first looked at the Pixel- I really like having stock Android and getting new updates first. I might just break down and get it- it is so very pretty!

    5. LadyKelvin*

      I got a motorcycle g. It’s a $200 phone but both my husband and I love it and they last a long time.

    6. Troutwaxer*

      I just got a ZTE Zmax. Not very fast, 13 MP camera, but a big screen and easy to use, for 179. Not a great phone, but really amazing for the price.

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      If you aren’t willing to shell out for a Pixel, the Nexus 6p is pretty solid choice.

    8. Raia*

      I like my Moto G4 Plus, I got it for $230 and have Republic Wireless as my carrier so I only pay $22.78 monthly for 1GB with no contract.

  46. Adams*

    We had to put our cat down yesterday, and I am not doing well. He was really young, only 3 years, but had a urinary inflammation last year, and then two urinary blockages in the past two weeks. I’m torn with grief in that we could afford the treatment and (long term fix) surgery, but it just didn’t seem sensible and we didn’t want him to be in pain or have his quality of life decrease. Oh course now, I second guess that decision. And its so hard to loose a pet like that. We have a baby on the way and we had all these silly dreams of bringing baby home and introducing the two of them (silly, but you know how you talk about future!). For anyone else that had to make a decision like this, any words of wisdom?

    1. dawbs*

      I’m so sorry.
      Don’t second guess. These are hard decisions that don’t have wrong answers, they just have sucky options and more sucky/less suck options.
      (We’re exploring our options right now with one of our pets and it’s kinda awful)
      And that was a beautiful dream.

      A gift to the humane society in kitty’s name might make you feel like his life is interconnected to something bitter.

    2. Dizzy Steinway*

      I’m so sorry. It’s all too easy to second guess your decision now, but of course you didn’t make it lightly. Sometimes this is sadly the kindest thing. You’re torn up with grief because you have lost a member of your family. But that doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice.

      It absolutely is just so hard to lose a pet and it’s not silly at all to grieve for your dreams of introducing them and the way you imagined the future – it’s important to let yourself feel sad and to take care of yourself as best you can.

      I had to have my chinchilla put to sleep a few years ago and it tore me up for a while. Time really does help (and I don’t mean that at all flippantly). Right now it’s so new and fresh and you perhaps can’t imagine it ever feeling different because how could it? It can and it will, but it will take time.

      There are helplines especially for pet bereavement. It might be worth looking one out if that’s something you’d find helpful. Internet hugs to you.

    4. FDCA In Canada*

      I’m so sorry. We had to put down our 3-year-old kitty at the beginning of this year in a similar situation–she was sick on-and-off consistently, major behavioral issues, and while the vet said whatever it was could probably be fixed, it would involve a lot of time at the vet, exams, medication, etc. Being at the vet/in the car/etc., and being forced to take pills was so incredibly traumatic for her that we decided that ultimately she would be losing an awful lot in her quality of life along the way. It was really, really, really hard, but the thing is, there are no good choices there. Only crappy, and marginally less crappy but still crappy. We miss her, but her sister is doing much better being the only cat, and we have a sweet photo of her on the wall with her collar. So I get to see her funny face every day, which does help.

      I’m sorry. It’s crappy.

    5. Adams*

      Thank you all. It is the second guessing that’s the worst (we should have tried the catheter one more time!), that and replaying the last moments. But hearing others say they struggled with the crappy vs less crappy certainly helps. One day at a time, and he did bring such joy to our lives.

      1. nep*

        One day at a time is a great approach. Sometimes one half-day at a time.
        My heart goes out to you. No decision in this case would have been easy.
        Take care.

      2. It won't stop raining....*

        He was in pain.

        3 urinary issues in less than two years? And he was only 3? You could have dropped a small fortune on your cat trying to fix this with no guarantee of anything but a bill.

        You had the power to help him when he could not help himself.

        And you did. He is no longer in pain because you had the love and courage to end his suffering.

        My hat is off to you.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        No life is ever wasted. Never, no matter how short.

        Sometimes love means letting go when our preference is to hold on. We put their needs above ours and we let go. Even though we pay with heartache.

        It’s pretty normal to question our choices, especially in life and death situations. I do feel that there is a point where it is selfish to ask a being (animal or human) to continue on because I want them to be here for me. I am not always sure where that exact turning point is and I have to revisit this question every time a being fades from my life.

        I remember when I lost my last dog. He was THE DOG of my life. It was hard. I went day by day with him. I even asked for a sign. Then one day he had a really bad morning, worse the other bad mornings he had experienced. And I knew. Even though I KNEW, I still questioned myself.

        See, people with a strong sense of fairness/ethics/integrity question themselves. It’s part of what makes good people, good people. The fact that you question your own decision says a lot about the quality person you are. I can further estimate that this animal had the best chances in life because it was with you.

    8. Dry Roasted*

      First, I am so sorry for your loss. We had to put our dog to sleep in December and it was one of the worst days of my life. Second only to my father and grandmother dying. We TOTALLY doubted our decision. I was so upset. I felt like he possibly could have had more good days left. In the time since, I have realized that there just isn’t really a way to know for sure that it is the exact right time (which is what I really wanted). I did some googling on pet grief stuff and it is apparently a very common feeling. So just be very kind to yourself. You did the best you could.

    9. Windchime*

      I am so sorry for your loss. It’s such a tough decision to make. I agree with others; please try not to second-guess your decision. You loved him and you made the decision that you thought was best for him. You didn’t want him to have a life of pain and suffering; that’s a good thing.

      Also, your dreams of introducing him to your baby isn’t silly. It’s sweet, and I’m sorry that you won’t get to do that. Congratulations on the new baby, and please don’t beat yourself up over the loss of your cat.

      For words of wisdom, I don’t know. I had a 19 year old cat who I nursed along in his last years. He was seemingly doing OK, and then one day I could tell he was in pain and I realized I was keeping him alive for my own sake. And so that was the day he made his final trip to the vet. It was hard, it was sad, and I missed him so badly at first but ultimately it was the right thing to do.

      Take care.

      1. A Day at the Zoo*

        We are THAT family — a lot of animals over many years. I had one dog who was young seven in a breed that regularly lived to 12. He had something minor that we couldn’t seem to stamp out and things spiraled. I was convinced that I could fix it somehow until the vet told me the dog was tired. Years later, I feel so guilty that I did not let him go earlier. I resolved then that the hope of one or two more good days, when compared to the known bad days — surgery, pain, etc. –would not compel me to keep my pet alive.

        You did the right thing. Your cat would not have understood why she was going through all she was — surgery, recovery, pain. It is an act of love to let your pet go.

        I hope you feel better soon.

  47. Gracie*

    Have you ever heard the saying that you tend to collect what you went without as a child? Do you think it’s true?

    What do you stockpile/collect?

    Mine would be pens, pencils and notebooks. I was always writing and always running out of them so as I got older, every time I had a bit of money, I was always buying them. Now I have a 50 gal tub of blank notebooks and a 18x18x18 box that’s filled with pens and pencils. And that’s just with what I’ve found so far. It makes me feel like a packrat but that’s the only thing I have like that.

    1. Not Australian*

      I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to get back things I loved that my mother gave away when I was a child – books, mostly (different copies, obviously) but also ornaments and silly things that meant something to me but not to her. “Oh, you don’t/didn’t want that old … ” was a constant refrain of hers, and then for the next few years I’d have to watch some neighbouring child playing with something I’d firmly believed was mine. I’m finding it quite healing, because now *I* get to decide when things are no longer important to me – and what happens to them when I do.

      1. Temperance*

        Ooooh I went through this, too. My mother used to give away my things when I was at school and then lie about how she had done it weeks/months prior, and because I didn’t “appreciate” it, I didn’t notice.

        From my mother, it was narcissism and the idea that my stuff was hers and not mine.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        My mum did this to me a couple of times and I’m still hurt by it. She gave away a piece of furniture I loved (a secretary on the top with drawers below) to a friend of hers. I mean, I literally came home one day and it was no longer in my room, and the stuff in it was on my floor. I cried so much. Then one day we were over at their house, and it was in the hallway with a ton of crap on top of it not even being used. And it was MY stuff that got wet in storage–nobody else’s. So I also lost a box of children’s magazines and comics I had been saving and my bookcase. I haven’t been able to find copies of the magazines anywhere, not even online. :(

        I know it’s petty, but I still feel like she owes me something for that secretary.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          I’ve got one. In 2005 my dad sold the house I grew up in, to split the equity in the divorce settlement with my mom. I was living about 250 miles away, and I didn’t ask much about it because when I saw each of them (separately) I tried not to bring up the divorce, and they mostly avoided complaining about each other, or at least stopped when I asked them to.

          So about six months after the sale I asked him what happened to all the childhood stuff in the attic, and he said something to the effect of he had no idea, he left it there for the buyers to deal with.

          D:<

          1. Elizabeth West*

            You know, I honestly don’t remember what exactly the reason was; I only remember it not making sense. I felt so violated. I mean, this took place while I was at school, and I literally came home to a vacant spot with all my things lying on the floor.

            I still to this day don’t know why she thought her friend (a divorced mom with three kids) needed it. She could have helped her find a piece at a garage sale or something rather than take away something her own kid was actively using. The ultimate insult was that it just sat there in their hallway stuffed with junk. They needed it for junk? Really? I wondered later if it really belonged to us, but wouldn’t it have been easier to say it was a loan and they needed it back? As far as I knew, it was mine. But to just come in and whisk it away without saying anything. Gah. And I got no replacement; I just had to suck it up and find somewhere else to put my stuff.

            As for paybacks, we play this game when we go antiquing called “if you die can I have that,” LOL. She promised several years ago I could have her grandmother’s secretary (I’ve been in love with it since I was a child; it’s amazing) and if I don’t get it, heads will roll. It’s the only thing I want.

        3. Oscar Madisoy*

          “My mum did this to me a couple of times and I’m still hurt by it. She gave away a piece of furniture I loved (a secretary on the top with drawers below) to a friend of hers.”

          When I was in my mid-teens, I had been collecting coins for a couple of years. This would be in the mid-late 1970s. I wanted to sell a proof set, so we went to a local coin shop and the guy offered me $15. I wanted to take it, but my mother said we should discuss it with my father first. I should point out that neither my mother or my father were coin collectors.

          My father gave his consent, so the next day we went back to the coin store. This time the guy only offered me $10. We pointed out that he offered us $15 the day before. Don’t remember what his explanation was. Nevertheless, we took the $10, but I left disappointed at having essentially lost $5.

          “I know it’s petty, but I still feel like she owes me something for that secretary.”

          I feel the same way. Even though it happened 40 years ago – and even though she passed away 15 years ago – I’m still upset at my mother for essentially costing me $5, which at my age back then was like a hundred million billion dollars. And she didn’t even apologize.

      3. Lily Evans*

        My mom used to talk me into getting rid of things I loved but “didn’t need” anymore. The one I’m still most bitter about is my huge collection of paper dolls that she decided I had to toss because I was too old for them. I hid some of my favorite ones under the area rug in my room but eventually she got rid of those too. I’ve tried hunting some of them down online and while some are easy enough to find, others have been almost impossible or are now collector’s items that are more than I can splurge on.

      4. bassclefchick*

        Oh, man. I’m STILL mad that my mom decided to get rid of my high school letter jacket because it was falling apart. Her reasoning? Well, your sister didn’t want HERS. OK, but that’s HER choice. You didn’t even ASK me if I wanted to keep MINE. Grrrr.

        1. LCL*

          Did you get it for playing bass? I’m still sore that my school didn’t give letters for band, back in the day. I thought all those hours playing upright in the concert band and electric for the stage band and jazz choir were worth a letter.

          1. bassclefchick*

            Well, anyone could get a jacket, but yes. I did get a band patch for the jacket. Which my sister never did, so there’s that. I was playing clarinet back then, didn’t switch to bassoon until college.

      5. Not So NewReader*

        I think or hope that our society as a whole is starting to realize what a violation it is to give away a child’s things. No, that is not okay, it’s disrespectful of the child and in some ways very damaging. But I hear so many stories. One person came back from school and found their parents had given away their (the person’s) dog.
        There are so many UNintended lessons that come out of these stories.

        1. Gracie*

          I agree. When I was a kid, I was dependent on a blanket for sleep. I had it since the day I came home from the hospital. It was my source of comfort and looking back now, I see why. My parents would wait to fight until we went to bed and my blanket became my ‘shield’ Nothing could hurt me while I had it. It wasn’t something I had the words to explain to my mother when she always tried to get me to throw it away.

          We were moving and my siblings and I were sent to a relative for a week to keep us out from under foot. My mom ‘forgot’ to pack it in my suitcase and it was a miserable week. When we got to our new house, the first thing I did was look for my blanket and she told me she had thrown it away. She still doesn’t understand why I had such a reaction. Even now, almost thirty years later, when I am scared or hurt, I want my blanket.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Two violations in trust here. The fighting and taking the blanket.

            My father (the parent I liked) took my stuffed animals. All of them. When I was about three because I had stupid little kid behavior one day. Even though I was only about three I knew at the time it happened that it forever changed my relationship with my father. He took the only friends I had and accidentally showed me that everything is disposable on whim.

            Your blanket story tugged at my heart strings. I am so sorry that happened to you.

    2. Temperance*

      I fully believe this. I grew up poor, and typically had only 5 outfits for school. I now have a lot of clothes and shoes, because I’m always a little nervous that people will see me as an outfit repeater.

      1. Gracie*

        My grandmother only had one pair of shoes when she was growing up, which were for school use only. When she died, we found boxes and boxes of shoes, some still with the tags still on them in closets and in the garage. Unfortunately none of us were her size and some were really cute. But we gave them all to the charity so at least they went to someone who needed them.

        My mom’s thing is clothes. She has closets and boxes of clothes that she buys but never wears, waiting for that ‘perfect’ occasion but growing up, she had to wear my uncle’s hand-me-downs.

    3. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I collect shelves full of books because that’s what I had growing up. They were from yard sales and library discards, thrift shops, etc., but I loved having them. I don’t care where a book comes from or if it’s pretty or collectible; I just want the stories.

      Thinking about the reasons we want or keep things reminds me of a poem about why we give:

      When Giving Is All We Have
      Alberto Ríos, 1952

      One river gives
      Its journey to the next.

      We give because someone gave to us.
      We give because nobody gave to us.

      We give because giving has changed us.
      We give because giving could have changed us.

      We have been better for it,
      We have been wounded by it—

      Giving has many faces: It is loud and quiet,
      Big, though small, diamond in wood-nails.

      Its story is old, the plot worn and the pages too,
      But we read this book, anyway, over and again:

      Giving is, first and every time, hand to hand,
      Mine to yours, yours to mine.

      You gave me blue and I gave you yellow.
      Together we are simple green. You gave me

      What you did not have, and I gave you
      What I had to give—together, we made

      Something greater from the difference.

      1. Jean who seeks freedom from clutter*

        Thanks for sharing this. It’s beautiful. Alberto Ríos is now on my list of authors to read.

    4. Chaordic One*

      I collect old Barbie dolls and I have a male friend who collects diecast toy cars, mostly Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars.

      I think your theory is on target.

    5. katamia*

      I collect skeleton paraphernalia, and I’m pretty sure I had a skeleton growing up. :)

      On a more serious note, as the daughter of two pack rats, I don’t collect a lot of things (my skeleton collection is quite small, and I plan to keep it that way). I guess you could say empty space is something I “collect,” and it’s certainly something our house lacked when I was a child.

      1. Manderley*

        Wow! We lacked empty space, too, and now I crave it. What an eye opener for me; thank you.

      2. Jean who seeks freedom from clutter*

        This seems to be a trend. Our son is not sentimental about old letters, school papers, etc.

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I wasn’t allowed to go to concerts and the one my parents finally consented to let me attend (’93 – Depeche Mode) was cancelled a few hours before. It was another FOUR YEARS before I tried to go to another show and at that point I went all out and went to a one day festival in a completely different country and lived it up to the fullest.

      Now I chase as many shows and bands as I can fit in without wearing myself out, particularly ones that meant a lot growing up and I didnt have a chance to see. Between now and mid May we have fourteen concerts scheduled (one of which is, in fact, the mighty DM). For some artists I will do multiple shows over multiple nights in a row in a little mini tour. While we work in newer groups we’ve discovered, some of the legacy acts are really starting to get up there in age and, well, every show starts to become a bit more precious. But its great fun and I have met all sorts of people over the years as you tend to see the same people at the same shows over time.

    8. LCL*

      I describe growing up where I lived in a pre transit far suburb as living in exile on Mars. So I collect methods of transportation. I have 1 car, one motorcycle, 2 really good bicycles and two crappy bikes. And I can drive the husbands car if necessary. It frustrates me a little having only 1 car, each, but we don’t have the parking for any more.

    9. Oscar Madisoy*

      I’ve always been a compulsive shopper. When I was a kid I always had to have my parents buy me a toy. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn’t. I didn’t have any friends or any kind of a social life (long story, not relevant in this context) and getting stuff was my way of coping.

      I’m 54 and I’m still compulsive. Still suffer from no close friends, no relationship, etc. Buying stuff is still my way of coping. But I also don’t have much money, so I’m also cheap (or frugal, you decide). So sometimes if I really want to buy something I’ll make an extra effort to, but in the end I’m not going to buy something I don’t really want just for the sake of buying something.

      One of the few smart things my father said to me falls into play here: if I have to keep questioning myself (“should I buy this? yes or no?”), then I don’t really want it that badly. And I’ve been able to use my compulsion… I don’t know if it’s “for” or “against” me, but I’ll sometimes say to myself that if I don’t buy it today, I’ll be able to feed the compulsion next time, and that works.

      In the end, it’s all a substitute for loneliness. And that f****** sucks.

      1. Jean who seeks freedom from clutter*

        I am sending you vibes for finding a way out of your loneliness ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
        and an internet hug (if you’re a hugging person). I hope it gets better.

    10. Windchime*

      My mom is in her late 70’s and she still remembers an art set that a local artist had given her when she was a child. It had pastels, charcoals and other beautiful art supplies. Her mother deemed that it was too expensive and nice for Mom at her age, and she put it away for Mom to use when she was older.

      They had a house fire a few years later and all was lost, including the art set. Mom never got to use it and she still mentions it from time to time. This year, she has signed up for a watercolor class at the local community college. I’m so happy that she will finally get to have some lovely art supplies again. :)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Back in the Great Depression my father saw a Dremel Tool in a store window. Oh he wanted that tool, but it was $12. It might as well have been a million dollars. For whatever reason, he never bought one later in life when he could have.

        In his last decade of life me and my husband bought him one. It was worth twice what we paid for it just to see the look on his face.

    11. Pat Benetardis*

      The way this manifests for me is that I make sure my kids have stylish clothes (they get to say what’s stylish, although I veto for revealing), enough clothes, go on as many rides at a carnival as they like, get them something from a gift shop, etc. as a kid, I often felt like we were half doing something, and know it was because of money, but I was always wanting more.

    12. PseudoMona*

      Money. Growing up I knew that my family lived very much paycheck to paycheck, and it made me anxious even as a child. Now as an adult with a steady income, I am a big saver.

    13. Raia*

      Two main things, money and clothes

      Money – I didn’t realize we were poor when I was growing up at all. When I was really little we were fine, but when dad was diagnosed with a chronic illness, the nice things went away and were replaced with barely functional things. It took a few years and my first FT job but now I am on the right track to get my money right, for myself, my parents, and my future family.

      Clothes – they were just terrible, and not only in the K-12 years. Five years ago when I was in college I literally didn’t have a winter coat and I wore two hoodies instead. This year I bought a beautiful London Fog down winter coat for $75… it would have been impossible for me in any previous year to have the money stockpiled, waiting for that pre-Christmas deal, but I got it and I love the coat and I love what it means about who I am now. I can afford to clone myself in things that I like, not just look through the bag of clothes someone in my church gave to me and hope.

      Bonus item – This year I found out my mom threw away an alligator I had made out of clay before I was 10. I’m so mad at her for that… it was my best work out of my aunt’s pottery studio, we still have all the other clay artwork I made that looks terrible but she threw THAT one out. :,(

    14. OlympiasEpiriot*

      In an odd way, I think it is food for me. I don’t hoard food, but it is really important to me to always have some staples in the cabinet. Both my parents were really good cooks; but, at some pit my mother started doing this weird thing with food and me of only shopping each day for what was for dinner that night and she was very concerned about my portions. (I was taller than her, and more of my father’s build but I was on several teams and was solid muscle. I also was always hungry and was not shy about eating.) So, I have a deep freezer, I cook in large batches (which she used to do before I hit puberty), and I always have more food in case anyone is hungry or in case an unexpected person is here.

    15. Wrench Turner*

      Due to poverty I moved frequently and go so used to just getting rid of more than just the barest necessities. When I sit still someplace long enough, animal skulls and bones, antique or hand-made knives and Ace of Spades playing cards tend to gravitate to me – it probably has a lot to do with my art, too. If I have to go back to living out of a duffle bag again, I’ll probably stick one or two of those in there to take with me. Everything else can go back to the cosmos.

  48. Elizabeth H.*

    You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. (Wayne Gretzky)
    When in doubt, don’t. (Anna Karenina, I love that these reverse each other)
    If you’re troubled by something outside yourself, it isn’t the thing itself it bothers you, but your opinion of it, and this opinion you have the power to revoke immediately. Marcus Aurelius

    3. Oscar Madisoy*

      I think that Gretzky quote is actually from Michael Scott.

      “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. (Wayne Gretzky)” – Michael Scott””

      Toldja! :-)

  49. Tris Prior*

    Last week’s post about the co-worker who was always venting her stress had some discussion about family members who do that as well. I didn’t want to derail that thread so I thought I’d save it for here: How do you handle it when a parent constantly dumps all of their stress, depression, and anxiety on you, and is not interested in talking about anything else?

    My mother does this and I’ve about reached my limit of what I can handle. I’m not a doctor, obviously, but to me she shows signs of depression and anxiety but will not seek help. (She actually fired her doctor for prescribing Xanax.) Instead, she wants me to constantly prop her up emotionally.

    I try and get off the phone when it gets too intense for me to handle, but it’s hard for me to do that when she’s crying; I feel too guilty. Other times, she just talks right over me so doesn’t even hear the “Mom, I have to go now.” I feel bad just hanging up on her. When I try to gently change the subject, I get “You don’t care about me, I wish I were dead.”

    I’m working on this in therapy, which is how I’ve even gotten to the point of being able to change the subject or try to say “I have to go now.” Before I would just let her dump on me for literally hours. But I’m having a hard time getting past the guilt. Objectively speaking, her life IS pretty bad but it’s not stuff I can fix for her, and a lot of it is because of choices she’s made. Have any of you dealt with this? What worked?

      1. Tris Prior*

        Thanks! I’ve done a lot of those things already. She is just not interested, and gets very angry when I try to gently bring up that she might be depressed. She told me one day that we ALL should be depressed because of how the world is, and that if we weren’t then we were in la-la land. :(

        I’ve pretty much given up on convincing her to get help, to be honest.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          You can’t help someone who does not want to be helped.

          I think this is one of the tougher things in life to deal with. I am sorry you are going through this.

    2. Temperance*

      I took the nuclear option, because, frankly, my mother’s negativity was making me hateful and negative, too. I was raised with those thought patterns. I haven’t spoken to my mother on the phone in at least 2 years, and I haven’t seen her in person in about that time, too.

      I was also raised to put her first, and her needs first, up until I just couldn’t anymore. Can you limit how often you talk to her, and maybe deal with the guilt in therapy? You aren’t helping her get better by listening to her constantly complain and vent, and you aren’t helping you, either.

      I totally get it. It’s so hard. I cut back on chats slowly at first by only calling her from the car, on the way to an errand or something. That way, she couldn’t claim I was not there for her, because I was just so gosh-darn busy and still made time for her.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Thanks for the input! I was also raised to put everyone first – and also that you caregive your family members until you literally collapse. It’s really hard to go against that; I think I’m the first one in my family to even try.

        I did try to limit my conversations with her in the past, but it’s always been hard for me to do that when she is asking me to do specific things for her – or when she’s crying. And, well, she’s been giving me the silent treatment for about a month now because I told her I would end the phone conversation if she didn’t stop yelling at me. And then followed through. Apparently this means I am a Bad Daughter Who Doesn’t Care. :(

        She always tells me that I cannot be too busy to talk to her, and that SHE is busier than I am (I’m sorry, which of us has a 9-5 butt-in-chair job? Oh yeah, that would be me, not her!).

        Bottom line, she’ll never be satisfied unless I am there for her making soothing noises whenever she needs me to. And I’m no longer able to do that without sacrificing my mental and physical health. So it appears we are at an impasse. :/ Hence, therapy.

        1. Rogue*

          You are not a bad or uncaring daughter! You just have to take care of yourself, just as she needs to learn to do. You can’t help anyone, if they won’t help themselves. It sounds like mom just likes the attention she’s getting.

        2. Temperance*

          For what it’s worth … she’s giving you a breather right now, and thinks that she’s punishing you. Look at her silence as the gift that it is. You don’t have to let her treat you like dirt. <3

          1. Tris Prior*

            Ha, yeah, I’m enjoying the quiet! Unfortunately sooner or later I’ll get the call, “OMG, whyyyyyy haven’t you called to check on me, I could’ve been dead!” :/ <– Bad Daughter

            1. Temperance*

              I always counter that with “the phone works both ways”, which is something that she absolutely hates because she wants to feel important and have people reach out and care for her. “Mom, I could have been dead, too!”

              One of the final straws with my mother was when she complained that I had the nerve to go on vacation instead of spend the week with her. Dominican Republic > Scranton. By that point, I was no longer guilty, but angry. You might be getting to anger soon, too.

              1. Tris Prior*

                You’re right; she could call me. But she won’t – it’s MY responsibility to check on HER because she’s elderly, you see. {eyeroll}

                Are you my long-lost sister? My mother does the same thing when I travel. This is going to sound awful…. but I actually haven’t taken a major trip in many years because she freaks out too badly. We did sneak a weekend away for pleasure last year; I told her it was for work so she wouldn’t get too pissed. (Why did I even tell her I was leaving town, you ask? Because if she thinks I’m traveling for work, then she doesn’t call me during my trip and I get peace and quiet. Amazingly enough.)

            2. Natalie*

              Keep working on the guilt and other bad feelings with your therapist. Something that helped me with the guilt that your describing is just expecting it and embracing it, in a way. So I would say “Ma, I’m hanging up now” and I would know that I was going to feel bad when I disconnected. It didn’t make the feeling go away, but I was prepared for it so it knocked me on my ass less.

    3. A. Non*

      Oh Tris, boy do I feel your pain. Only I haven’t been able to go the therapy route and I WISH I could.

      I limit my calls to my mother to when I am driving (I have a bluetooth headset). So I have a clear endpoint of ‘I’ve got to go now, bye!’. I’ve limited seeing her in person to once a week for no more than three hours.

      We actually had a screaming fight because I wasn’t willing to take my little car out in Stella to make sure she was dug out, and because I DON’T want her to stay with me 24/7 when I have an inpatient surgical procedure! I think something in my tone of voice must have changed, because she seems to realize she’s skating on thin ice lately.

      1. A. Non*

        In conclusion:

        No advice, just sympathy! Limit the time however you can, and remember that it is OK for you to pull back from her to take care of yourself. If you don’t take care of YOU, who will?

      2. Tris Prior*

        Oh wow, do we have the same mom? Mine freaks out when it snows – clearly I’m supposed to drive for an hour, in the car I don’t have, to get her dug out?

        I used to limit my calls to public transit; she never lets me get a word in anyway so it’s not like I was disturbing my fellow commuters. I stopped doing that though because that’s also my only time to read uninterrupted and I was so sick of giving up what passes for me-time to listen to the endless litany of who wronged her that day.

        Good call on not having her stay with you while you’re having surgery. Mine would probably expect me to wait on her from my hospital bed!

        1. A. Non*

          I know, this is really weird! At least you know you’re not alone, right? :P

          I still have to say ‘I have to hang up now, no I really have to hang up now, I’m hanging up’ to get off the phone some days, and I do that, and there are days when she’ll call back and I just let it roll to voicemail. I’ve started putting my phone on DND at night– 11PM to 8AM– but have it set so multiple calls within a short time will get through, in case it’s a real emergency. I don’t know if those will work for you, but those are also possibles.

          But seriously, good job on the therapy. That’s one of my goals when good!insurance from NewJob kicks in.

    4. Rogue*

      My mother would do this. Time after time I would attempt to provide advice. Each time, she would do nothing to change anything. So, I decided that obviously didn’t want help just wanted to complain and that I was not going to be her emotional trash can and since she has nothing else to say and can’t not play the victim. She would call and leave nasty messages on my phone and I finally told her that since she couldn’t respect my boundaries and was unable to behave on the phone, that I was blocking her. I no longer have a relationship with her and she complains to other family members. I had to do this with a close friend too. They would only call when they had something bad happen in their life, never to ask me how I was doing or to share happiness. The turning point with that one was when they called and told me they had “chosen” me to vent to. Again, I’m not an emotional trash can. I had already stopped talking to this person once because they never were there when I needed them to be. This was a second chance. I eventually blocked them after they told me that they wished I’d never got my job because now i wasn’t always available to them!! This person has continued to try and communicate with me using various methods, being blocked each time, and they keep trying with different phone #s, email address, etc., going as far as contacting family members and having those people contact me demanding i do things like “write a detailed letter explaining why I’m not speaking to them”!!!!! This person is a nut job and I’m so glad I live no where nearby. My only advice is that you have to decide what you’re willing to deal with, set boundaries, and not be afraid to enforce them, even if that means walking away.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Yes!! Emotional trash can is a good description. And my mother also has 10 different excuses why she can’t possibly do what I suggest – after which she’ll say “well, I sure wish you had some ideas for how to help me.” :/

        I’m leaning toward walking away, but she’s elderly, there is stuff that she legit needs help with, and no one else will talk to her any more. Gee, I wonder why? Still, knowing that she’ll literally be alone without resources is a tough one for me.

        1. Rogue*

          It’s completely acceptable for you to require she not dump her emotional garbage on you in order to have a relationship with you. Just remember, it’s not YOUR fault if SHE refuses to accept your boundaries. That’s on her.

        2. A. Non*

          That’s really not your fault, though. Look at it this way: She’s CHOOSING to act this way. It’s a choice. It’s not involuntary, it’s not a reflex, she’s absolutely choosing to act like this and chase people off. That’s not your fault, not your doing, and it’s not your circus to clean up after. There is no rule book here; it’s your life!

    5. Rebecca*

      I wish I could get a prescription for Xanax, just so I could grind it up and somehow give it to my mother! Oh, I feel this letter. I am starting to dread hearing her voice on the phone. “Rebecca. I have to tell you something.” (imagine tone of great doom, like the ground has opened up in the yard and the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse galloped out) Then she launches into a story that goes around the barn 20 times, with no discernible plot…ARRRGGGHHH!! I’ve started cutting her off and asking her to just tell me what is bothering her, as I do not have 30 minutes to listen to her whine about things that are not terrible!

      Example from last evening. At the end of my work week, I was walking and listening to my audio book, and when I returned to the house, the answering machine light was blinking. “Rebecca, it’s your mother. I will talk to you later.” I had a missed call on my cell, but audio book…so I called her cell. No answer. I called the house phone. Both Mom and Dad picked up, she made Dad get off the phone, and then started in. She was going on and on about Lisinopril’s side effects, Dad not paying attention to things, and I just had it. I cut her off, and said “Mom, what are you trying to tell me?” It turns out Dad got an additional BP med, and he was taking 2 pills per day instead of 1. They are 10 mg pills, and 80 mg is the high end of the dosage per day, so he was taking 20 mg. The doctor’s office said “take with your other pills” but he takes pills twice per day, so there you have it. I tried to calm her, and she just went on and on about side effects. I’m heading over tonight and hope I don’t have to deal with more of this, but she will be worse in person.

      In my case, my Mom’s life isn’t bad, it’s great by many standards, considering she and Dad are over 80 and still very mobile and independent, with few medical problems. Please don’t judge me, but sometimes I just ignore her while she’s on the phone, and I surf the internet, play Candy Crush, play laser beam toy with the cats, and I throw in some “um hum” and “oh, that sounds terrible” and “I see” here and there just to cope. I don’t feel guilty any longer. She, like your Mom, was offered anti anxiety meds, but she refuses to take them due to – side effects. That’s another thing I’d do – hide those damned sheets from the pharmacist, or have fake ones made up with side effects like rainbow farts or laser eyes just for her. I’m only half joking.

      1. Tris Prior*

        No judgment here – I totally do that too. Read AAM, mindlessly check Facebook, do some mindless chore, and interject soothing noises now and then. If I focus too much on what she’s saying then *I* end up feeling crabby and depressed too!

      3. Not So NewReader*

        I hope you chuckle.
        I had a family member who could go on and on. The stories never ended and it was all about how she is a victim.
        My husband used to roll his eyes when she called.

        One day I got fed up. I set the phone down on the table and went about my day. I picked it up every 7-9 minutes to say, “uh-huh. hmmmm”, then I set it down and went back to cleaning the bathroom or whatever.
        My husband was BESIDE himself because of the phone sitting on the table like that. He could not say anything because he could be heard, so he started gesturing like he was directing an airplane down on to a landing strip. These giant, exaggerated gestures really got me. I had to pick up the phone because my laughter was going to give me away.

        My person never noticed I wasn’t there.

    6. Pearl*

      My mom did this to me while I was living with her (for hours and hours at a time), and I ended up moving 3000 miles away. Some parents just really want their kids to be their therapist and I couldn’t take it anymore. She also ignored me trying to end calls or said she wished she was dead.

      One of the most effective things to shut down these phone calls was to agree with her when she criticized me for not being “supportive enough.” Her favorite thing was to tell me that I didn’t treat her as well as my friends, and that I was a terrible daughter. I just started neutrally saying “I guess” or “yes.” It’s very hard to continue trying to guilt someone when they’re actively agreeing with you. She would usually run out of steam and end the call, or I’d end it.

      I also made a habit of actually hanging up, whether or not she ignored me saying I was going to go. My limit was 30 minutes. When we neared it, I would give her a concrete thing I had to do, and then hang up after repeating it no more than twice. I found it useful to be taking a walk and end with “I have to (go inside)/(get on a bus) now.” If she said I couldn’t be busy, I said that well, maybe not overall, but I did have X to do right now. Goodbye.

      If she tried to stop me by saying she wished she was dead, I would say I’m sorry, do you need me to call (family)/(911)? No? Well as I’ve said before I don’t know how to fix this and think a doctor would help. You have the numbers I left for you. I hope you feel better, I’ll talk to you again soon.

      Then I would be totally overwhelmed with guilt. It took a while to stop feeling that. But my mom did not suddenly stop functioning. She wasn’t happy, but she had also never been happy when she had me to dump on, so it wasn’t a change, except that now I wasn’t ALSO constantly miserable. Eventually she seemed to decide she would rather have the chance to talk to me on occasion about small talk things than never at all, so now that’s all we talk about. It’s not great, but I also can’t force her to get therapy or leave the house or try to do new things.

      I also read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, which was very helpful in giving me some emotional distance, and Perfect Daughters by Robert Ackerman (this is specifically geared toward children of alcoholics).

      I hope that your therapist helps and that you can get to a better place with your mom.

    7. Becca*

      I just got off the phone with my mom in which she was venting/complaining to me.

      I don’t talk with my mom as much as I do with my mother-in-law, and I do feel guilty sometimes. It’s really hard because my mom has almost no one else to talk to, but a lot of times the things she complains about could be avoided if she learned how to set boundaries. She acts as though she doesn’t matter, and consequently some folks treat her that way.

      I’m lucky that she hasn’t ever pulled the whole “I wish I were dead…” If someone said that to me, and they have a history of it, I might try to say something like: “Of course I care about you. But we need to change the subject now, or I have to go.” I’m sorry you have to deal with this, and good luck :)

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I hope you can find some time to get some mother-daughter relationship books and read them.
      For one thing it’s nice to know that we are not alone. Another thing you get to see people’s responses and how it worked or didn’t work for them. And, not everyone shuts down the relationship so you get to see what it takes to keep going.

      I think I have read about 3 or 4 of them and I found it very enlightening. One thing that came up often was to consider our mother’s childhood. What was her mother like? What coping mechanisms did she have to develop to cope with her mother?
      This type of insight can help because sometimes mothers can send their kids in circles and it feels good stop going around and around.

      Another thing that interested me was the point about US being good mothers to our own selves. We have to provide ourselves with our own parenting. This means making sure our own needs are met. We are not very good at this because our focus has always been meeting Mom’s needs. So we have to learn how to meet our own needs.

      As a secondary thing, reading boundaries books is a good plan. Since mom did not have boundaries we don’t always know what healthy boundaries look like. So we have to teach ourselves. Happily, this coincides with being a good parent to ourselves any time we teach ourselves something that we do not know.

      I ended up cutting off contact. I did go see her about a year before she died and they had her in a straight jacket- because those were okay to use in those days. I was sad and I felt validated all in the same stroke. No human being should have that hard a life. And the hardest truth I had to face was that she put herself into that hot mess because of a LIFE LONG series of bad, bad choices.

      I think that truth was so hard because it reminded me of my own vulnerability. If I do not control my life, then I could end up in a similar predicament. And that truth was hard because I had no clue what normal looked like, so I was not even sure what I was looking for/going toward. But it some ways it has helped me. I realize if I don’t push when the going gets tough this is how I (or anyone) could end up, so I pushed on.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Which books did you find helpful? I got “Emotional Blackmail” out of the library this weekend and although it also talks a lot about blackmail in marriages, I’m finding it pretty accurately describes what my mom’s doing, and I’m getting some good tips.

        My grandma was actually a very quiet and sweet woman and my mom got along very well with her, so I don’t think that’s it. My father was very abusive to my mom, though; I suspect that’s got a lot to do with my mom’s emotion-dumping on me. We were sort of a united front when I was a kid – us against him. I’m realizing just how unhealthy that was, now.

        Thanks for sharing your experience. What you say makes a lot of sense.

    9. Sibley*

      Good you’re in therapy. Also go read some Captain Awkward. and take care of yourself.

      PS – You don’t deserve to be abused. Intentionally or not, she’s abusing you.

  50. Serendipity*

    My best friend since childhood has just left her husband.

    We started to drift apart about 10 years ago when we married in our mid-20s and she moved away. Then, our long distance relationship cooled about 5-6 years ago when she told me that she treasured our memories but wasn’t interested in maintaining the current relationship. I was surprised and a bit hurt as she was still my best friend, but eventually moved on.

    Recently her mother and brother stayed with us on their way through town, and told me that they’d staged an intervention to help her leave an abusive relationship. Her husband had systematically isolated her from family and friends, first by moving interstate, then discouraging visitors, and then standing over the phone while she told her friends to stop calling, at his direction. This is what happened with me.

    He controlled her diet, medical care, stopped her working to care for the children, then had her home-school so she couldn’t have community support. It got so bad. It was only when their youngest child nearly died (preventable, but she wasn’t allowed to see a doctor) that she defied him to take their daughter to hospital. The hospital got services involved and they supported her initially.

    She’s filed for divorce and is living with her parents, and needs a lot of support. The thing is, I don’t know how to reconnect anymore. I’ve seen her twice in 10 years and haven’t spoken in 5. She still considers me her best friend – I’m guessing that I was the last friend to be cut off – but I really did move on. In that time I’ve moved away, had a family, got new friends. I love her for our 20 year history together, but we’re both different people now and I’m not sure if I can give her the “best friend and confidant” relationship she needs now, without building a new relationship first. And I have enormous guilt for not knowing she was being abused.

    Any advice?

    1. Dan*

      Do you not *want* to be friends? Your letter focuses more on the logistics of being friends, and not so much on whether you even want to be.

      So, first things first, what do you *want*?

      Once you’ve figured that out, keep in mind, as you’ve mentioned, that abusive relationships can be very isolating. Right now, your old friend may very well just want human contact from you, she may not need money, favors or other things. Or if she does, other people have it covered.

      I guess to me it comes down to weather or not you are just willing to give her some human contact on regular basis, and if so, to see how it goes. Keep in mind that just because she confides in you, does not mean you have to confide in her. She may not be ready to do that for you anyway.

    2. BuildMeUp*

      First, please don’t feel guilty for not knowing. The only person who did something wrong in this situation was the husband.

      Maybe you could try sending her a letter or card saying you hope she’s doing well and that you’re thinking of her. It doesn’t invite the immediate return contact that a call or text would, but opens the door to future communication.

    3. Rebecca*

      I think it would be a great kindness if you could find a little bit of time to talk with her, give her some encouraging words, that type of thing. Maybe you could reconnect on Facebook? She’s been through an awful ordeal, I’m sure, and while you can’t jump in to be her best friend any longer, I’m sure she would appreciate your ear from time to time while she gets her life back on track.

    4. Natalie*

      I don’t think you have to jump right back to best friend and confidant at all! For whatever it’s worth, she probably feels pretty weird about it all, too.

      It’s not totally clear to me but it sounds like you don’t live in the same area? If so, could you try some low-stakes contact, like a card or something.

      If you’re comfortable doing so, you might want to call a domestic violence hotline and chat with them about this. They’re not just for survivors, family and friends can call, too. http://www.thehotline.org/

    5. Dizzy Steinway*

      It’s absolutely not your fault you didn’t know – you couldn’t have known.

      You don’t have to be her best friend or confidant – it’s okay to see this as starting from scratch.

      Also, you know how you’re at a different point with things and can’t just be the friend you were? She’s not the same person either – she might not even know who she is right now, but she will have changed due to time and experience.

      So it’s not possible to be that same old best friend anyway – as well as it not being an obligation for you to be. It’s okay to start from scratch and to only give as much or as little as you feel you want to. You aren’t obliged to be friends. It sucks that she’s been through all that but it doesn’t take away your choices.

    6. Thlayli*

      If you don’t want to be friends you don’t have to. even if it hurts her for you to say no, she has so much crap going on she probably won’t even notice that one small hurt in the mounds of bigger hurt.

      If you want to be friends again you can definitely find a way. Don’t try to pick up where you left off – you’ve already realised that won’t work. Start small maybe with a phone call and just keep it light ask about her kids and talk about yours and don’t bring up the ex at all unless she does.

      Then see where it goes.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      The longer I go the less and less use I have for “best friend” status.

      I have friends who are great at helping with job hunting. I have friends who are great with community activities. I have other friends who will sit and pray with me. I don’t have one comprehensive,does-it-all-well, bestie.

      My point here is can you reframe and go on? She can be your “good friend from childhood”. She can be “one of your valued friends”. She can be “someone you care about who has had a rough life”. Shed the “best friend” designation and see where that puts you.

      Honestly, she may want a best friend whose life experience is more similar to hers. Or she may want a thousand best friends because she has been so lonely for so long. As long as I am being honest here, she should not rely on any one person to offer her a complete relationship right now anyway. Her best bet is to talk to as many people as possible.

      Don’t let your guilt make your decisions for you here. Try to separate that out and see if you think there was enough relationship there that it is worth trying to pick it up now.

      If you can reach a place in your mind where you can say, “I have no idea how to help you. And I KNOW I will not be able to fix your situation. But I am willing to stand beside you while you figure it out.”, then go ahead, send that card or pick up the phone.

      An odd thing I have learned and I am looking at a friend’s situation now that is a good example. My friend is blocking a family member from getting the help she needs because the friend always bails out her family member. Sometimes we stand in the way of the proper help, ironically. So there is that to consider also.

  51. Tau*

    I am so angry at my GP’s office right now.

    So I am on prescription medication to deal with a health thing. I also work remotely during the week, which means it is not possible for me to drop by my GP to pick up a repeat prescription without taking the whole day off. Well, no problem! The repeat prescription order form gives you the option to have it sent to a pharmacy which is open Saturdays.

    The last time I tried this was before Christmas, and despite the fact that I very explicitly ticked the “please send to pharmacy” option, when I turned up at the pharmacy it wasn’t there. Called the office – “oh, yeah, it’s here in the surgery and you can come pick it up!” Uh… except that it’s not physically possible for me to do that, because I am several hundred miles away and will continue to be a minimum of several hundred miles away for the next three weeks? I actually ended up calling my company HR and asking them if they could please send someone to pick the thing up and mail it to me because I was out of options. (Which they were magnificent about.)

    So, it’s time to get my prescription renewed again. This time, I specifically called the GP’s office to check that the prescription request had been received and sent off to the pharmacy. The receptionist assured me it had been!

    …you guessed it. This morning, the pharmacy said they’d never received anything.

    Ugh. So I’ll be doing my best to sort this out ASAP come Monday morning, and I know this is partially my fault for not having renewed earlier, but it looks like I’ll have to go off the medication for at least a few days and I am really not looking forward to the potential consequences.

    And just – why would you even include “send prescription to pharmacy” as an option on the form if you’re never actually going to do it?!

    1. Gracie*

      As for the last thing, it might be standard on their forms, which is silly because it misrepresents their services. Some medicines can’t be sent through fax or over the phone to the pharmacy. You actually have to pick up the physical prescription to take to the pharmacy. It depends on the classification schedule and the receptionist you talked to previously may not be aware of the procedure so told you it was there. I’ve had that happen with one of the meds I take and it was a disaster every time I tried to get it filled until finally someone explained it to me (and to her). The government is really buckling down on a lot of different prescription medicines and doctors are going out of their way to avoid fines, which make things more difficult for us. I wish you the best of luck in getting this all worked out. Your HR sounds brilliant for doing that for you though.

      1. Tau*

        Thaaat might explain it. And might make things very difficult since it’s, y’know, not possible for me to pick it up in person without taking time off work. I guess I’ll find out when I try to get this sent to a pharmacy where I can pick it up this week! At least I’m warned, thank you!

        And yes, my HR was fantastic. I was so apologetic about it because I was worried it was totally inappropriate to ask, the only reason I did was because it was partially my company’s fault for having me in a 100% travel job that I was in the situation in the first place (along with being desperate), but they were brilliant. “Oh, of course we can do that, it’s absolutely no problem, we’ll send it to the client site by express mail and you’ll have it tomorrow!”

    2. Observer*

      Where do you live? I can’t imagine this here. In a couple of states electronic prescribing as the default is the law, so they wouldn’t want you to come into the office anyway. And even in other stated, it’s so common to send the prescription to the pharmacy that I can’t imagine this happening here.

      But the fact that you used the word “surgery” makes me think that you are not in the US.

      In any case, I totally get your frustration. I would be hitting the ceiling.

      1. Tau*

        As you guessed, I’m in the UK, and my GP’s in the centre of town. Apparently physically dropping by for the prescription is the norm here, and the office is open long enough that I suspect that they’re not used to dealing with patients where that is just not possible because of the work schedule. Slightly jealous of the US in this respect now, though. :/

        1. LilyPearl*

          Most GPs should be set up for electronic prescribing here as well, or your nominated pharmacist can arrange to collect the prescription. If your GP doesn’t do that, is it worth you changing practices?

        2. Bagpuss*

          That sounds really frustrating.
          I’m in the UK too and both for current and last GP it has been standard to be able to get the prescription sent direct to the pharmacy (current GP I can do the request on line, too, which is great)
          I do find that they don’t do well with change, though – It took about 4 tries to get it set up correctly in the first place, and then when I had a medical emergency and had some meds which were prescribed / collected at the surgery it then took another few weeks to get it back to picking them up from the pharmacy.
          In my case, I think it was because they had to specifically authorise the change, it wasn’t automatic on ticking the form (I guess for security reasons,)
          I hop the manage to sort it out for you soon. (at a pinch, you might be able to see a GP in the area you’re working in to get a prescription locally, if the alternative is being without the medication.

          1. Rookie Manager*

            I’m in the UK too. Boots are really good at dealing with repeat prescriptions. You call them, they call the GP and make sure the script is returned. I used to do this for controlled drugs and it worked brilliantly.

    3. Epsilon Delta*

      That sounds super frustrating and confusing. But that seems to be par for the course for working with the medical system. Transparency and clarity are not their strong suits.

  52. Gaia*

    I posted awhile back about Pup being sick with a blockage. He ended up having surgery and has recovered. But I find myself now livid at the first vet we saw. He ate the clothes Friday night and I took him to the emergency vet Saturday afternoon when he was unsuccessfully trying to vomit. I asked for xrays to check for a blockage but was told he was fine since he was still eating and eliminating as normal. The next day when he continued unsuccessfully trying to vomit, I took him to a different vet who did x rays and found the blockage. He had surgery the next day at my vet.

    If we had done xrays when I asked the first time, we could have likely scoped his stomach and removed the fabric (it was small and only caused a blockage due to elastic). But because the vet disregarded my wish, I ended up paying thousands for surgery and my dog underwent weeks of a very difficult recovery.

    Well, I called the emergency clinic to discuss it with the clinic manager as a training moment and to let them know I was unhappy. Lo and behold, the vet put in the notes that I declined xrays after he offered them. Now, I am LIVID. So I demand to speak to the vet directly and address the fact that he lied in my dog’s veterinary record. He goes around and around and ends the conversation by telling me that the clinic gets busy and so they didn’t have time to do the xrays and he must have forgotten and misremembered when he wrote Pup’s chart.

    The thing that irritates me the most is that I have no recourse. Animals are considered property in my state and because my dog is alive and recovered, there is no property damage. Vets cannot be held liable for their chosen course of treatment’s outcome unless it can be proven they were intentionally negligent. But it is pretty outrageous to me that they got so busy that my dog received improper treatment AND that his record is incorrect.

    2. Ms Ida*

      Does your state have a veterinary board that you can make a complaint to? Also is the emergency clinic part of a chain? If so I would complain to the corporate owner or if no directly to the vet that owns the clinic.

      1. Gaia*

        No and No. We have a board but they do not accept complaints which is utter crap. And the clinic is independent.

    3. Rogue*

      I am so sorry, but very happy your dog is okay now! I would be foaming at the mouth mad at that first vet. Make sure you leave reviews for the vet online! We travel a lot and I’ve got two doggies and always check reviews before taking them to a vet.

      1. Gaia*

        Definitely reviewed. And I have been telling everyone I can. Sadly, they are the only emergency vet for about 70 miles and the only vet open on Sunday around here.

        1. Ruffingit*

          That is horrifying!! Put a review on every single website you can think of and pass it on via Facebook too. The practice may have its own site, toss the review on there. This is awful and pets may be dying because of this man’s negligence. SO SORRY this happened to you, but happy your pup is OK.

    4. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

      I’m so sorry that happened to you. I think our dogs had the same thing happen around the same time – our shepherd had the obstruction removed February 1st. We’re very fortunate that we’re in a small town and our vet is a good old country boy like my husband. He took us seriously when I said I knew something was wrong and began diagnostics and treatment immediately. If you were in SC, I’d definitely pass on his info. Also, because of geographic variances in prices, we paid $1,485 for the bowel obstruction removal and an 8 day stay in the hospital, and another $275 for his hernia repair and follow-up meds.
      I hope your doggy recovered well!

      1. Gaia*

        Whew. My vet is great and by far one of the least expensive around and Pup’s costs totaled to right around $5,000 for the bowel obstruction + 5 days of hospitalization and 2 nights. Wiped out my savings, but I’ve still got my best friend and companion so it is worth it in the end. The vet I’m upset with wasn’t my regular vet – they were closed by the time I realized I needed to take Pup in. My regular vet immediately listened to my concerns and restructured their entire day to address it immediately. They are amazing and I’m so grateful for all they do.

        Glad your dog is okay :) They sure do know how to worry us.

    5. Trixie*

      Maybe report to Better Business Bureau? I would think every clinic has some governing body to report to. Maybe post to their FB page, Yelp reviews, etc.

  53. Mimmy*

    Home Depot rant!!

    While their Returns policy is generous, it’s almost TOO generous! The other day, my husband purchased a laminate floor cutter (we’re putting down new floor for the master bedroom)–it looks like the paper cutter you may’ve seen in your elementary school classroom–but when he opened the box at home, it looked like it had already been assembled. Unfortunately, he felt it didn’t work very well so he returned it today for money back.

    While there today, he got knee pads for me so I could help him with the flooring. When I went to put them on, I noticed there was no buckle. There’s no way to know if they were returned sans buckles, or if someone stole them while on the racks. When he goes to return them for a new pair, he is on strict orders to CHECK the product!! lol.

    Not sure if this is exclusive to Home Depot, but it’s really annoying to find products available for purchase that were clearly either handled by other shoppers (e.g. box opened) or returned and placed right back on the shelf.

    Please tell me I’m overreacting!

    1. Gracie*

      You’d think they’d have some sort of system in place to make sure things are all together when put back on the shelf. Most places just send it back to the vendor because they get full credit for it no matter the reason for return.

      Personally, I tend to avoid things that aren’t sealed properly for this reason. I once got one of those shelves you put together that was missing the screws and one of the shelves lol.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This.

        I did a bunch of repairs to my house which meant buying tons of stuff. It was worth the effort to open it in the store or out at the car to make sure everything was okay.

        I did end up with some ceiling lights that smoked. I looked over one day and there was smoke rolling out of the light. I took all the lights and light bulbs back. No problem getting a refund. My problem was trying not to be scared to buy another ceiling light.

        Punchline, even if the box is okay and the merchandise looks unused we need to still watch what we are doing. I think some companies are really pushing their production lines and QC is slipping.

    3. MaybeTomorrow*

      I’ve experienced this twice at my local grocery store this past week. 1st trip, I bought a carton of beef boullion. Someone had poked a hole through the seal on the neck of the spout. 2nd trip, someone had opened the deal on noxema face pads. I just tossed them rather than go back.

    4. Girasol*

      Took an electric blanket back to a local store when we discovered that half of it didn’t heat. I explained clearly that it was defective and not suitable for restocking. Two days later there it was for sale on the shelf, stuffed back in its bag the way I’d handed it in. Are there people who buy broken things and are for some reason unwilling to return them, to make it worthwhile for stores to restock damaged goods?

    5. NotoriousMCG*

      Once while working at a theatre festival, the assistant production manager and I accidentally returned some lights that weren’t right for the needs of one of the shows to the wrong store (aka, purchased at Lowe’s but returned to Home Depot) and they still gave us the refund.

  54. Maxwell Edison*

    Super excited for tomorrow – will be at the L.A. Vintage Paperback Show, my favorite book-related event in the SoCal area. This one will be special because my BFF has a table there (his father passed away a couple years ago and had TONS of vintage books in storage) and I’m lending a hand (bringing lunch and snacks, helping man the table, etc.). And of course I get to do some shopping.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Oh man, I’m kind of glad I’m not there because I would have to rent a truck to get my purchases home LOL. Also, gonna bookmark that event for future reference because that’s where I want to move.

      1. Maxwell Edison*

        It’s a fantastic show, and yes, it’s very easy to spend a ton. I limit myself to cash only (though at one point I was digging in my purse for quarters so I could get just one more book).

          1. Maxwell Edison*

            That may or may not have been the same show where I called my other BFF who’s a huge William Goldman fan and screeching, “Dude, I just found TWO copies of Control; do you want one of them?”

    3. Jean who seeks freedom from clutter*

      The above thread about book shopping reminded me of a button I purchased recently: “I’m not to be trusted in a bookstore with a credit card.” Yes, it was sold in a bookstore.
      Actually, I do okay amidst _new_ books. The real hog-wild running happens when I’m in a _used_ book store such as the ones that support our local Friends of the Public Library. It’s only safe for me to drop off donations if I literally talk myself straight out the door immediately afterwards, without stopping to browse at anything.

  55. Bibliovore*

    My trip to Bologna is two weeks away. I will have two free days, Friday and Saturday. I am planning to take an early train to Venice. Probably Friday. Trying to figure out if I need to book the train in advance. Can’t seem to find that information on the inter web.

    Any advice?

    2. PhillyPretzel*

      So I’ve traveled in Italy a lot and I would recommend booking online before you go (http://www.trenitalia.com/tcom-en). The main advantage is that there’s a certain number of cheaper fares you can usually get when you book early, plus you can print your ticket and just have one less task to do on your trip. It’s not a big deal if you don’t, though…Bologna to venice is a pretty short trip and there are plenty of trains.

      Have a great time an enjoy the food! Bologna is the food capital of Italy, after all!

    3. Jozzie*

      hey!! i’m italian and live in bologna so i can maybe offer some advice :) You don’t need to book in advance, although if you do you could find some offers for the high speed trains, but bologna and venice are pretty close so with the cheapest trains you are not going to take that much longer. If you want info I suggest the trenitalia website

      1. Bibliovore*

        Thank you Jozzie,
        I am starting to get really excited about this trip. It IS a work trip but my flight out of Bologna is 6:00 am Sunday morning. I arrive on Saturday afternoon and will have that evening and the next day to acclimate. I have extremely poor judgement when jetlagged. (long horrifying story) so I’ve given myself a little time until my first commitment Sunday eve. If you have any advice for a low key supper Saturday evening or Sunday lunch. I’d appreciate it. I am staying near the train station.

        1. Jozzie*

          Hi :) so, for places to eat, you could go for pizza, places like Ranzani 13 (closer to the station, probably you’d need a reservation) or Regina Margherita or you could go to an Osteria (which is like a low-key type of restaurant, where they serve traditional food at low prices), Osteria Belfiore is one that is probably closer to where you want, other places that I like are Osteria al 15, Osteria Broccaindosso, Osteria da Vito…. but those are a bit further away (I mean bologna city centre is pretty small so we’re not talking great distances).
          For saturday night I suggest that you either make reservations or you go there pretty early (19-19.30), otherwise you risk that you won’t find a place.
          Another option you could consider is having aperitivo (which is like a pre-dinner drink with food so people do that instead of dinner), for that you could go to the “mercato delle erbe” or “il quadrilatero” near piazza Maggiore, where there are lots of nice places (also always packed on saturday, so go early!).
          If you want something really quick like a sandwich, then you should try “Il Panino”, really close to the station and really good and cheap (but no tables inside).
          If you go to an osteria or you have aperitivo (and are not vegetarian!), you should definitetly try a “tagliere di salumi e formaggi con tigelle e crescentine” (cold cuts with cheese and tigelle and crescentine that have no translation) because it’s veeeery good :)
          (in general not many vegetarian options in bologna, they do like their meats)
          and try ice-cream if you have a chance!! :)

          1. Jozzie*

            I just wanted to stress that for saturday night, if you do go to a pizzeria or osteria you should probabably make reservations otherwise it could be difficult finding something

          2. silvertech*

            Can I also recommend Trattoria dell’Autotreno? The woman who makes the fresh pasta is over 90 y.o. and her pasta in AMAZING.

            Credentials: Italian who used to go to Bologna a lot before moving abroad :P

  56. Elizabeth West*

    Got up really fooking early while it was still dark to make sure I made it to my group on time and that I looked presentable, and someone I hoped would be there wasn’t there. I feel….thwarted.

    What, I’m not allowed a little fun while I’m still stuck here? FINE. :P

    Plans for this week:
    –A spa I like was having a sale, three services for $99, so for Monday, I booked a Swedish massage, a foot scrub, and a manicure (I’ve never had a manicure). I’ve also not ever had a male massage therapist before, but I don’t really care as long as he knows what he’s doing and doesn’t beat the hell out of me, LOL. I learned the hard way last time to drink plenty of water before and after a Swedish massage or else I’ll get a massive headache.

    –More job hunting. *puke*

    –Time to begin another round of querying. I cleaned the house yesterday, so I basically have nothing to do this weekend but go through the 2017 Guide to Literary Agents .

    –This week, I shall begin an actual schedule that will allow me to spend X time looking at job listings, X time querying, X time still picking at Tunerville (it’s like picking a scab, LOL), and X time WRITING. I must at least get this sequel started, though it’s really hard to do that when I keep thinking nobody will ever want to see Tunerville. But one agent did, and she can’t be the only one.

    Anybody else going from less organized to more organized this week? It’s kind of hard–but I have to do something, since my hours lately have not been compatible with a job and I don’t want to be exhausted if I should actually find one!

    1. Gracie*

      I’m trying to pack all my clothes for my move across country. I’m supposed to just be keeping enough for 4 weeks of work and casual and shipping the rest to my new house. I just keep looking around and getting overwhelmed. I didn’t realize I had so much.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I know that! Every time I clean, I’m like, “I have too much stuff” but then I can’t even get going. But on the bright side, moving is a good chance to get rid of it.

      2. A. Non*

        Check out capsule wardrobing and how to build one/make one from your original. It’s got a lot of good advice for winnowing out what you do/don’t wear, which may help with the packing.

    2. Jean who seeks freedom from clutter*

      Yes! (Waves hand high above the domestic debris.) I’m tired of living in disorder.
      (Closes eyes and prays for the strength to sign off on the day and get ready for bed at a decent hour every night.)

  57. Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat*

    We got a new cat from the shelter in January and he emits some terrible farts. Has anyone else had a farty cat? I mentioned it to my vet who said cats don’t usually have odorous farts but we were in the middle of testing him for some terminal stuff at the time (negative) so I didn’t dwell on it. Could it be an allergy or anything? They are silent, frequent and really terrible. (But he’s adorably perfect beyond that!)

    1. Gracie*

      My cat did! It was horrible. He could clear out a room lol. It ended up being a cross of what I was feeding him and him not digesting properly. He was eating too fast. He was a stray that had to fight for food so he’d eat as fast as he could so no one could steal it. We changed his food, gave him smaller meals more often and it helped. I don’t remember what food we did before and after because it was a few years ago and he’s been gone for a year now but your vet might have some ideas about it.

    3. qwerty*

      I am vaguely amused that the responses to this question seem to be “…what are they feeding you?”

    4. Red*

      My cat had smelly farts too! I swapped her food out and broke it into tinier, more frequent meals because I thought she was eating it very quickly, and the problem cleared up. I don’t know if it was correlation or causation, but I don’t think it could hurt to give it a try!

    5. Trixie*

      Change in diet will help and also help control appetite and litter box traffic. When I gave my cat cheaper food, he was always hungry because they were basically filled with fillers.

    6. mreasy*

      Highly recommend a cat probiotic supplement for your kitty’s gas problem, and a grain-free diet if possible.

    7. Bagpuss*

      As others have said, probably diet. What are you feeding him?
      Mine have grain-free kibble, it’s more expensive per lb than the supermarket brands but because it is almost all meat you feed smaller portions so over all it isn’t much more expensive. It certainly makes a huge difference to how smelly the litter tray was, so may help for farts as well!

      However, it can also be a sign of a food allergy / sensitivity and or parasites, so it may be worth getting the vet to check him out, particularly if changing his diet doesn’t help!

    8. The Other Dawn*

      In my experience, it’s usually diet-related. One of my cats, a very long-haired fluffy Persian, was having a ton of diarrhea. It was lovely. Baths every other day and tons of frustration. Ever try to bathe a cat? Not fun. Anyway, turned out it was his food. We were feeding him the wet food that has gravy. Once we switched to a pate/loaf style, the diarrhea disappeared. So did the gas. We had another cat, too, that had a sensitive stomach and was really gassy. We switched his food and then he was fine.

      Maybe try a grain-free food for a bit. I realize that vet-supplied and pet store food can be expensive, so if you can’t afford that then try one of the grocery store brands, like Iams or Pro Plan, for sensitive stomachs. There’s also a few grain-free foods that are sold there, like Rachael Ray’s brand or Sheba. We have ten cats so we typically don’t feed vet-supplied food unless we really have to.

    9. Sibley*

      Yep, diet. Try some other foods, or even flavors of the same brand. (mine are on Purina One, and I got a different flavor and it is not going over well.) They can have some issues while switching, so give it plenty of time for things to calm down and see if the different food is working better.

      Food that isn’t eaten – sometimes stores will take it back, find a local shelter that will take it, etc.

  58. Tina*

    Any tips on how to get through a breakup? I’ve just ended things with my on-off boyfriend of five years, and I don’t know what to do. We had a tumultuous relationship, but I really thought we were building towards something permanent and always felt that he was the one for me. The reason I ended things is because he wouldn’t stop cheating, every time we had a fight he would be off with an ex-girlfriend or colleague, and it just got too demoralising. I love him, though, and I don’t know how I will move on as when things were good, they were so intense and wonderful. I have already blocked him everywhere I could.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I’m sorry. That’s a good first step. My advice is to feel what you feel–cry if you need to, get mad if you need to, and talk with someone you can trust. Don’t try to put a lid on it, but don’t dwell on it either. It feels awful but it WILL get better. Staying busy will help.

      Resist the temptation to reach out. Seriously, if someone is cheating on you every time you argue, they have some work to do on their coping skills before they can be with anyone long-term.

    2. Gracie*

      Good for you for getting out of that. If he was cheating and kept doing it, he wouldn’t have stopped even if you moved on to something ‘permanent’ and those intense, wonderful things would have soured quickly.

      Get out and do things. Spend time with friends and family. Keep telling yourself that you are doing what is best for you and do your best to move on. Avoid going and doing things that remind you of him. Make new memories that don’t include him. Find a new fun hobby. I think the most important thing is to keep busy. It was for me.

      1. Tina*

        That’s what I’m having trouble with – I have a couple of hobbies, and see my family and friends often, and I am successful in my job, but every spare moment I am thinking of him. I have also lost quite a bit of motivation and I know I’m letting things slip, which is frustrating since I have spent years building up my career. I think it’s difficult because he has depression, so I can’t help but feel as though he ‘couldn’t help’ it, even though I know that isn’t true.

        1. Gracie*

          Have you thought about talking to a therapist? Sometimes just talking to someone who is supposed to be neutral and can help you talk through your feelings can help. Try to keep yourself busy. Try new things. Maybe doing something new that doesn’t have any association with him will help and you can meet new people too.

          Try not to fall into the trap of ‘couldn’t help it’ If he’s depressed, then he needs to get help but even depressed people can help if they cheat on someone. If it was a one time thing, then *maybe* he’d get the benefit of the doubt but you say that every time you had a fight.

        2. Mallows*

          What he was doing was manipulative. My ex did that – he didn’t cheat (that I know of) but he always felt the need to remind me what a catch he was every time we had a fight. Two years after I dumped his ass, I’m a month away from moving to my dream city and am so happy that my home is once again my sanctuary and not just another source of stress. I’m sorry – it IS hard. Big help for me – actively seek out things that MAKE you cry buckets, when you’re at home. I honestly found that eventually, your body wears the heck out and won’t let you cry anymore. Greeks had the right idea with catharsis :-) Good luck!

        3. nep*

          So sorry you’re going through this.
          But you’re *going through this*. Which means you will move through and come out on the other side. All the while honoring yourself and owning the fact that you are worth someone who will honor you as well.
          It doesn’t seem believable right now, amid the pain — but it will get better.
          Thanks for sharing this and keep us posted.

          1. Tina*

            Thank you. He has already moved into another girl (a fling from when we were on a break earlier this year), and is posting all over social media about how much he loves her. Strangely this helps a bit as it just reinforces how immature and frustrating he is!

        4. A. Non*

          I have depression and I’ve never cheated on anyone, so, really, yeah, he could help it.

          Pick one day (or two days) a month and go do something new. Try a new coffee shop, a new bookstore, a new mall. Take your phone and find a park and go for a walk and take some pictures. Explore the places around you and find something really cool that is just for you.

          1. Tina*

            Thank you. You’re right, I shouldn’t make excuses for him! These are good ideas also, everything seems to remind me of him, so it will be good to find new things that are for just me.

            1. A. Non*

              And you may find a new hobby or retreat or coffee that you love and you wouldn’t have found otherwise!

            2. Not So NewReader*

              The rule of thumb here is finding that first thing that does not remind us of our person is reeeally tough. Finding the second thing is a tad easier and so on.

              So find your first thing that does not remind you of him and congratulate yourself on a huge accomplishment.

        5. Natalie*

          It’s okay and normal to think about him a lot – it’s a big deal, and it just happened. You’re going through a grieving process of sorts.

          It will get better with time, I promise.

          In the meantime, whatever distraction you can manage will help. I lived with my ex, so I rearranged the apartment that was now just mine. I couldn’t really move the furniture around much, but I re-sorted the kitchen cupboards to be the way I wanted, and moved things around so it felt fresh and less like the place Ex had just been.

          I also racked my brain for activities that I had been meaning to try, but hadn’t done for some reason. I personally find I can commit to something more easily if I’ve already paid for it, so I bought classes in advance and then felt like I had to show up. Whatever motivation tricks work for you, bust them out now.

          With your friends, or maybe just one or two really close friends, reach out and tell them what you’re struggling with. They can be there to answer your calls or texts, or have brunch with you on Saturday so you’re not facing a long weekend alone, or whatever. And if there are any significant events coming up that you don’t want to face solo, ask for support. People care about you, and they want to help.

    3. Jean who seeks freedom from clutter*

      Please take it from this internet stranger that you deserve someone who can be faithful to you. This guy is not the right person for you because he can’t stop doing things that you find demoralizing.
      Breakups hurt, but it’s more painful to try to maintain a relationship at the cost of overlooking some serious deal-breakers. And anything can be a deal-breaker if it causes you enough misery to outweigh everything that’s otherwise good about the other person. You are not obliged to talk yourself into staying with someone who makes you feel demoralized. Sorry to be repetititve but your comment really struck me as a valid reason to end the relationship.

      1. Tina*

        Thanks so much. I have felt for some time that his bad qualities outweighed the good, but I guess I bought into the fallacy that “the harder you have to work at something, the more meaningful it is”. I know now that that isn’t true though, it shouldn’t have been that difficult if we were right for each other.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          “the harder you have to work at something, the more meaningful it is”

          That saying is intended for something like building houses or raising children or getting a degree. It’s not meant for building adults… out of adults. In other words the saying does not apply if you have to work on the remedial level in order to get anywhere. For example, you would not keep rebuilding the same house over and over Or you would not teach the professor how to teach a course. Some basics have to be in place or else we can’t proceed.

    5. Sad Under my Covers*

      I just read through the comments and I am going through almost all the same stuff as you right now. I just ended things with a guy who was depressed(and most likely an alcoholic) and hes claimed to move on as well- flaunting how much younger she is. It does make me feel a little better since it’s another sign that he’s clearly not in a good place.

      – The good(and bad) news is you’re broken up. You’ve summoned the courage to end things(which is awesome BTW and takes so much more strength than you think). No more dreading the moment or the how. Remind yourself that as much as you miss having the good, the bad stuff is gone too!
      – There are scientific studies that breakups create a chemistry in your brain that is similar to drug withdrawal. It’s normal to feel everything you’re feeling.
      – For some reason, after a breakup, we can only seem to remember the good things and the bad fall into the background. This is the time you need to remind yourself of everything he did that you hated or annoyed you. Write it down and look at it whenever you’re feeling bad. I get it- all the time I think how GREAT things were when they were good and if only we could just be there all the time. But I had to remind myself that the great parts of him weren’t really him.
      – I’m a big self-help book person. It makes me feel back in control of my life when it feels like things are spiraling down. Getting Past your Breakup was a good one for me. It’s Called a Break-up Because it’s Broken put a smile on my face and made me realize that yes 1. I’m not crazy because I miss the jerk and 2. I WILL be better off in the long run.
      – I started reading another really good website called Post Male Syndrome. I’ve read a lot on the internet about breakups but that site felt like it was actually speaking to me.
      – Focus on YOU. What have you been putting off or avoiding? Do them now. Breakups usually bring to light a lot of things in my life that I’m not happy with or I want to change. Now is the time to act on them.
      – Take care of and be kind to yourself. Talk to a therapist if you think it will be help. It really helped me.
      – Realize you can’t change him. There is nothing you or anyone else can do. If he happens to change somewhere down the line, it’s not going to be for any other reason except HE wanted to. Him moving on(and flaunting it) so quickly sounds like he’s avoiding dealing with his problems. One of my favorite quotes is ‘Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.’
      – Keep up the no contact. It’s so hard but it’s also IMO the most essential thing to getting over a breakup. Somedays I think ‘I don’t care if he’s a jerk, I just want him back. I miss him’. Resist the urge and do something else or text a friend instead.

      All that being said, sometimes it just takes time. Which is terrible to hear especially if you’re me and are very impatient. Getting over someone isn’t a solid incline upwards- I’ll feel great and confident for a little bit and then find myself crying 20 minutes later. Just realize you aren’t alone in your feelings(or psycho) and you WILL get better. Even though I’m still struggling hard, I’m doing better than I was a month ago. I can actually think about things besides him when I have free time. Continue to be good to yourself and remind yourself that so many better, happier days are ahead for you.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Picking up on your first paragraph, it’s a pretty common pattern when couples break up one ex may seem to be doing extremely well. This is only temporary. And temporary can mean a few years. Then that person can suddenly have difficulties. This is not a coincidence. There is some kind of emotional high, then they crash.
        Whatever “great” things you see your ex doing now, understand that it is temporary. This story will change. And by then your life will have changed enough so that you will be relieved that you moved on.

    6. WalkerBlue*

      Random, but one of my favorite podcast Death Sex Money created a “Break up Survival” google doc. Basically crowd sourcing break up advice, songs to listen to, things to read, things to do. I’d suggest perusing that. Also, just reading about Darth Vaders on Captain Awkward worked for me, when I was in your shoes. I’ll post the link to the google doc in the next comment.

    7. larz*

      I don’t have tips for the day-to-day, but I have learned two things, thanks to therapy and years of perspective/hindsight:
      1. It takes as long as it takes. Some days, you will be feeling better, and then sadness just comes up and whomps you, and you feel like, “Oh, come on! Can I please be done with this already??” Remember not to get mad at yourself for feeling what you feel–for however long you feel it.
      2. Everyone has baggage, and sometimes you just have to stow it and get through the day, but other times, it helps to open it up, sift through it, and see whether it’s still worth carrying. It took me five years (FIVE YEARS!!) to realize that I wasn’t “the bad guy” in a relationship where the guy dumped me several times and came back when he felt like it, and I just allowed it because I was in love. Sounds like a no-brainer, but I only recently wondered why I don’t have any friends from college–and suddenly realized it’s because he “taught” me that no one wanted to be around me. So be on the lookout for the crappy “lessons” you’ve been learning, and start finding ways to unlearn them. Good luck, and take good care.

    1. Gracie*

      Best: Only 33 days until I move in with my boyfriend. I’m excited, he’s excited. Its an adventure! I’m moving from CA to NC.

      Worst: Only 33 days left and I’ve done very little packing. Ugh… that and I’m making a trip driving across country with 4 rambunctious dogs which I’m dreading. Two of which are having domination issues and keep fighting.

      1. charlatan*

        Exciting! Where in NC are you going to be?

        I had to deal with only one cat when I drove from CT to NC, but the vet gave me a sedative for her that worked out really well. I helped friends who moved with two dogs and they both had sedatives the whole trip. It was well worth it in the end since none of the animals were great in the car to begin with.

        1. Gracie*

          I’m moving to the Winston-Salem area. I’d love to do the sedative thing lol but its a 2-4 day trip (depending on how fast my SO wants to get home lol) and I’d feel guilty having them sedated that long if it was even possible.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: On the way back to our cars after coffee, meditation friend and I saw a corgi. In a St. Patrick’s Day t-shirt.
      A CORGI IN A T-SHIRT.
      It happened too fast for me to think to get a picture! But it was so cute I died.

      WORST: I’m soooo bored. I’m SICK of being alone all the time! Being in this house is like being in prison—it’s bad enough when I’m here alone on weekends (but yay for having somewhere to go every week and something new). But I’m getting cabin fever stuck in here all the time and taking walks only helps a little bit. I think it will help if I can get a job.

    3. Becca*

      Best: It was my best friend’s birthday yesterday! DH and I went to her place for dinner. Her husband and her younger brother, who’s in college (I haven’t seen him in a while), were there too. The conversation was great and I’m glad I got to see them all! (Plus, their cat is ADORABLE and I love cats.)

      Worst: Continuing to deal with my mom calling me crying because my brother is a jerk to her. Blaaah. (Sorry mom, but I can’t just set aside his relationship with you and be best buddies…)

      1. Ruffingit*

        Becca,
        I went through that same thing with my mother and brother. He’s a horrendous jerk and has been for many, many years. My mother always wanted us to be buddies and I just finally had to tell her to stop calling me with her literal sob stories about how awful he was being or whatever. If she was going to put up with it, fine, but I didn’t want to hear about how he was continually hurting her and I sure as hell wasn’t going to be his friend.

    4. KR*

      Best… Husband had a bit of a vacation this week. Even though he didn’t take leave, most of his company (military) did so he just had to report in for a few hours in the morning. We went off roading, hiking, and running. Also I ran more than I have in months.

      Worst.. Waiting for my background check to come through so I can start my new job. I was supposed to start this week but it looks like I won’t start until the last week of March. :/

    5. Red*

      Worst: My husband is very clearly depressed.

      Best: We’ve discussed it and he’s going to say something about it at his doctor’s appointment this week, and his friends have been a wonderful source of support for him.

    6. dawbs*

      Best
      -Started my NEW JOB at a nonprofit I’ve been wanting to work at for 20 years (and it’s the ONLY chance to work in my chosen field locally and not be self-employed–and I can’t make self employed work right now) (although the pay is laughable. painfully so. But Mr. Dawbs is employed and will take overtime and make it work. And they’re willing to work w/ my schedule thus far.)

      Worst
      -My dog is…struggling. This is not new, but getting worse. Dog is 13 and has bad knees and Cushings and we started her on new pain meds (in addition to the old ones) and we’re paying a LOT we can’t afford toward her monthly medication bills (not to mention the over $1k we’ve spent (as a 1 income household–I’ve been unemployed for 2 years) in the last 3 months alone trying to get her to a stable point so we can evaluate QOL.
      But she just ate her breakfast, and it’s now 9pm. So I think hard choices are in our future. THe worst of which is going to be, when this is a shades-of-gray problem explaining it to the small child who is VERY fond of her dog.

      1. Hrovitnir*

        I’m sorry to hear about your dog. In my experience, small children cope better than people expect. Sometimes they’re heartbroken, sometimes they don’t seem to get it at all. Usually a combination of being matter of fact and letting her see that you’re upset seems to be a good balance – acting too much like you expect her to be heartbroken often seems to make it more upsetting/confusing.

        I hope you have some good time together before you finally have to let her go. <3

        1. dawbs*

          Thanks.
          She did better than I hoped when we lost our cat, and we’ve been pretty straightforward with her thus far–she knows the dog is old and sick, and that we’re doing our best but she may not get better. (although she has taken to telling everyone that the dog is clearly getting better because her fur is improving [cushings = balding].)

    7. HannahS*

      Best: I’m booking a trip to Europe this summer! Amsterdam, Paris, London, Edinburgh, and the Scottish highlands. I’m so, so excited.

      Worst: I’m waiting until May to hear if I got in to medical school. So my life feels “on hold” which is frustrating. I’m stuck in the suburbs, working a split shift, and since it’s March break and I work with kiddos, I made way less money this week.

    8. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Feeling hopeful about some life changes.

      WORST: Feeling exhausted this week due to life/work stuff.

    9. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Best: Last night’s Underworld show was unbelievably crazy with 10,000 people going mental in a really large space. Met old friends and made some new ones, had few gatecrashers/psycho “hippy” chick stoned/drunk dancing, watched a woman essentially cry through an entire two hour set as she finally saw her heroes for the first time, and just had the greatest time, even if it did wipe me out completely today.

      Worst: Work project is continuing to be a disaster in every sense of the word and I will be speaking with my line manager this week about getting moved off it because the project director is driving me insane, the work is boring, I am being pushed out from learning what I need to do my role correctly, and all my tricks and attempts to smooth things over, lead from the back and get it on track have NOT worked. I’m fed up, under-resourced and BORED.

    10. Dr. KMnO4*

      Best: Actually submitted a job application to a job I think I would like to have.
      Worst: Depression is just making my life so difficult right now. Working on getting treatment for it, but that’s still a MONTH away- thanks rural America!

    11. Elizabeth*

      Best: Trivia night with friends at the pub, or maybe seeing progress on the downstairs bathroom 18 months after the demolition was done.

      Worst: 3rd migraine in 4 days.

    12. OhBehave*

      BEST: I have been at my new job for over a month.
      WORST: I am so bored! I work 9-1 every day and have maybe an hours’ worth of work each day. I am super efficient and get new tasks done quickly. Maybe I should slow down?

    13. Natalie*

      I’ve been on a roll lately, but a late breaking best is that my husband got a new job. 40% pay bump over his last job, plus good benefits, and it’s a career place (which he’s struggled with). The money alone is life changing for us.

      Worst… Nothing too bad, except I still hate daylight savings and will never accept it as not stupid.

  60. katamia*

    Is there a less offensive way to decline food? I have some stomach issues, and sometimes I’m not comfortable eating something that’s offered. I usually go with a variation on “I’m not hungry” or “I had a big breakfast/lunch/whatever the last meal was,” but especially when it’s people I see semi-regularly, I feel like sometimes they’re hurt by it, like I’m rejecting them by rejecting their food.

    I don’t want to go into detail about my stomach issues, both because they’re pretty inconsistent (some days certain foods are fine, other days they’re death, and I don’t want people thinking, “Oh, my X wasn’t good enough for her but this other X is?”) and because nobody wants stomach issue details. Is there something else I could be saying instead of or in addition to what I’ve been saying?

    1. fposte*

      In general, you don’t need to explain a no. “No, but it looks delicious; I’ll look forward to trying it another time.” But you also don’t need to explain GI issues just because you mention them. “Sorry, I’ve got some GI stuff going on. Maybe another time.” If they try to dig, say “It’s not my favorite subject–but I’d love to hear more about your [whatever].”

      1. HannahS*

        I think mentioning-but-not-explaining is actually a lot more socially acceptable than saying that you’re not hungry. Reasonable people with just understand and go “Oh, THAT’S why she’s deviating from the social script.”

        1. HannahS*

          Things I’ve said (no digestive issues, but I keep somewhat kosher and I’m picky on top of that): “Smells great, but I’m not really up for cake right now.” “Oh, it looks great but I just had lunch.” “Sorry, my stomach’s a bit temperamental today so I’ll pass.” Oddly, sometimes asking people about their recipes works too: “No casserole for me, thanks. It looks great though, Linda, what do you put in it?” Then they happily chat away and my interest replaces the fact that I haven’t eaten any.

          The only thing to look out for if you offer a mention-but-not-explanation is that some people might want to know allllll about it so that they can feed you in the future. This can be awkward (please tell you all of the minutiae of my relationship with Jewish law and observance so that you can secretly judge me and make comments about how it doesn’t make sense? NO THANKS I’LL PASS), so a stock answer of “Don’t worry about it, it’s really complicated. I’m just happy to spend time with you”+ immediate subject change can help.

          1. nep*

            Great point. I’ve had people ask me, when I turn down food, what it is they might have for me the next time.
            Nothing, thanks. Really.

    2. dawbs*

      “Oh, my stomach is upset, I don’t think I could at the moment. But it looks wonderful!” Maybe?

    3. Chaordic One*

      I’ve never found a good way to handle it. I have allergies to dairy, soy and tomatoes.

      Most baked goods have dairy (butter) in them and just about every packaged food that you buy at the store has soy. Pizza is completely out. I usually break down and tell people that I have food allergies, but it is almost always awkward. Most of the time people are understanding, but sometimes they act put off.

    4. nep*

      I hear you. People who are close to me know there are a lot of things I won’t eat — but with those who aren’t as familiar, I sometimes struggle with how to put it. I generally will say something along the lines of ‘ just had lunch…’ or that I’ve got some allergies.
      It does get old, though. In the end I figure all I can do is be as polite as possible and let people react as they will.
      I agree that a ‘no’ doesn’t have to come with an explanation. But I do tend to add some excuse as well. Yeah, it gets old.

    5. Mephyle*

      I learned this from people who eat very little. The kind that only eat what they can and then stop, and if they aren’t hungry, they decline it altogether (total opposite of me).
      If offered food when they’re not hungry, they don’t make a fuss or excuses, they just politely say “no, thank you.” They have an inner attitude of not being interested in the food, yet the way it’s reflected in their outward manner somehow makes it clear that it’s about them, not about the food.

    1. fposte*

      I think so, but you have to go beyond the supermarket/Target where I usually get mine (my problem is I lose them, so I don’t want to spend money on them). Obviously for a longer-lasting one the price point goes up, but Blunts get great reviews from several people I know. If you Google for “best umbrella” you can find a few decent-looking roundups.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I don’t use it very often, but I love the London Fog umbrella I was given as a gift years ago. It looks like they don’t make this model any longer, but it’s lasted for years. It’s got a curved wooden handle, and it’s a compact collapsible that will not only open but close at the push of a button. (Of course, you still have to tie it up with the velcro strap when closing it, but no pinched fingers.)

    6. NoMoreMrFixit*

      I got mine in Toronto’s Chinatown from an import store. Bamboo. Cost me $5 at the time. It’s still going strong over 30 years later. The small collapsing ones never lasted me more than a couple of months.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I buy hooded rain coats because I am a danger to society with an umbrella.

      Added bonus, I don’t ever leave the hood behind like I did the umbrella.

  62. Teclatrans*

    Following up on the budget recipes thread from the $20k post, I was
    wondering if folks could share tips, recipes and/or resources for cooking on a very tight budget. (I am currently applying for SNAP, and need to halve my grocery budget.) Bonus points if they are helpful for kitchen-phobes.

    I hope this is isn’t a duplicate thread — I usually browse, but this time relied on search terms.

    1. A. Non*

      Slow cookers will be your friend. Also beans and/or rice. Basically, pick a cheap staple meat (chicken thighs are usually p cheap), a staple bean (white is my go-to), a staple veg that tends to run cheap (I load up on the sales on frozen assortments), and rotate around your spices.

      I actually really like Whole Foods for their bulk spices, because you can get a smidge of something to try it, and if you don’t like it, you’re not stuck with a jar.

    2. NicoleK*

      1. plan your meals around the grocery store sales
      2. use meat sparingly
      3. buy fruits and vegetables that are in season
      4. if you have a yard, try growing your own vegetables
      5. most budget cooking blogs will provide a budget friendly pantry list. if you’re new to cooking, look up a few budget cooking blogs
      6. if you have an ethnic grocery store in your town, prices may be cheaper compared to the typical grocery stores
      7. use food shelves if you need to
      8. soups are great if you’re on a budget

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Always make up beans from dry and store in the freezer until ready to use. Make the freezer your friend and cook in batches and freeze so you can rotate meals and always have something ready to eat. Its also a good place to freeze veg ends to make soup stock, or chop up vegetables ready to expire that you cant use yet, but can use to fill out casseroles later (see below).

      I’ve always used vegetables as “filler” to help stretch meat further. So for taco mix (or burrito filler) I may use a half pound of ground beef, but then bulk it out with some chopped zucchini or peppers or extra onion or frozen corn – whatever you may have that can be tossed in without changing the overall taste too much (or at least chopped up fine). Its good way to keep things healthy and cheap.

    4. Natalie*

      One aspect of the Good and Cheap book that I liked was her suggestions of how to use random assortments of leftovers, like veggies, you might have. We make a lot of pizza at home and it’s a great option for small amounts of veggie leftovers – you can put basically anything on a pizza. Stock is also good. Keep your veg scraps in the freezer until you have a bunch, and then boil them into a veggie stock.

      And on the subject of pizza, try your hand at some simple baking as well. Pizza dough, short crust, cornbread, etc are all easy and cheaper than buying mixes or whatever.

    5. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Did you see the link to the good and cheap downloadable cookbook that someone posted in the $20K thread? It has recipes for eating on $4 a day and was designed with SNAP benefits in mind. I downloaded and printed a copy for myself on Friday.

      Also, that post got me thinking about how good beans and cornbread are, so yesterday I put on a pot of pinto beans to soak, and today I had beans and fried cornbread for dinner. I made the cornbread according to the instructions on the cornmeal bag, then I added green onion, crumbled cheddar cheese, and a squirt of green sriracha sauce. Then I fried the batter in hot canola oil and drained the cornbread cakes on paper towels.

    6. Emilia Bedelia*

      Stock up on produce when it is on cheap and freeze it yourself (check the price per lb. of frozen/fresh to see if it makes sense). Some do better when blanched or cooked first. Some veggies are pretty much always inexpensive, and are helpful to keep around: cabbage, carrots, potatoes, onions, canned tomatoes.
      Eggs are a great protein source and are usually cheaper than meat- try quiche, fritatta, even just fried eggs for dinner.
      I don’t think Costco/Sam’s Club/etc are particularly worth the membership money if you’re considering that. They tend to have a lot of name brand and processed foods, and I don’t really think I get better deals on the basics than what I can find with careful shopping at the regular grocery store. If you have a friend who does have a membership and is willing to let you tag along, check it out to compare.
      In general, I think the best way to save money is to be okay with putting in more effort- there are so many ways that you can save money just by being willing to cut up, cook, or make your own whatever (ie, don’t buy boxed mixes; make your own soup; buy bone in/skin on meat as opposed to trimmed; don’t buy pre-cut veggies or individual packages of things like yogurt or snacks). This might be obvious to you already, but it surprises me when people complain about paying too much for food when they buy individually wrapped thin-cut chicken cutlets, for example.
      Keeping a price book is also handy. I have a list in my planner of things I buy often, and I keep track of the best prices I can find for them at different stores. This way I know that if I see chicken leg quarters for 89 cents/lb, I check my price book and see that I’ve gotten them on sale in the past for 69 cents/lb, so it’s not a great price to stock up on. But if I see chicken for 50 cents/lb, I know it’s a very good price and I’ll buy a lot. You don’t necessarily need to keep track of it in a list, but it is a good idea to get a sense for what a good price is on the things you like, and when they tend to go on sale.

    7. Undine*

      Jack Monroe. She’s a British woman who had to support herself and her infant son on a public allowance.

      1. Undine*

        http://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Jack-Monroe/A-Girl-Called-Jack–100-Delicious-Budget-Recipes/15403047
        https://www.amazon.com/Year-120-Recipes-Jack-Monroe-ebook/dp/B00KQZVNK0/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1489898469&sr=8-3&keywords=a+girl+called+jack

        Not sure how they add up for kitchenphobes, but I read an article by her, and she seemed very practical, and mentioned things like how canned vegetables can actually be cheaper than fresh, and also cook faster (and hence save on fuel, as well). She is also kind of a foodie, if that’s possible, but still worth a look.

    8. Dan*

      Indian vegetarian. Filling, flavorful, cheap.

      Reiterating what others mentioned:

      1. Chicken thighs. Cheap and flavorful.
      2. Shop at ethnic stores for produce and dry spices. Hell, shop in the ethnic section of your grocery store.

      1. Dan*

        Forgot to add:

        Frozen seafood as opposed to fresh. It used to be that frozen seafood was inferior, but freezing techniques have come a long way. It’s now much harder to tell the difference in quality.

      2. Overeducated*

        Yes to this. I recommend Meera Sodha’s “Made in India” cookbook, it’s recent, simple, and fairly popular so you can probably try it through your local library system. I did, and liked it so much I bought it. It’s neither totally vegetarian or comprehensive like Madhur Jaffrey’s, but I find it more approachable and it has some simple, cheap chicken re centimes too.

    9. Manderley*

      Check out alternative groceries stores. Our “big two” in my suburban town are Publix and Kroger. Aldi and Food Dept have quality items but are much cheaper. Walmart, too, of course. +1 to the chicken thighs. They’re juicier than white meat.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        This just funny to me because Aldi and Wal-Mart are the main places to shop here although there is a more expensive grocery store for the local “elite”.

        And Aldi is awesome!

    10. The Other Dawn*

      I agree with shopping at ethnic grocery stores. The first I tried one, I couldn’t believe the difference in prices on dried herbs and spices. I could get a whole Costco-sized container for what I used to pay for the little jar in the grocery store.

      If you want meat, find out when your grocery store marks down the meat for quick sale. When I was going through really tough times a couple years ago I got into the habit of buying marked-down meat. Basically, it’s meat that has a Sell By date of either the same or next day, or the day after. As long as it looks to be in good condition, who cares? It’s either being cooked that night or going into the freezer. Ever since I started doing that out of necessity, I’ve since been doing it because I want to. It absolutely kills me these days if I have to pay full price for meat. Unless I need a turkey for Thanksgiving, or something similar, I use whatever is marked down.

      Also, try budgetbytes(dot)com. She has lots of budget-friendly recipes and the total price and price per serving are included with it. Obviously prices will vary based on store and geographic location, but at a glance you can get an idea of what is cheaper to serve.

      1. Overeducated*

        I have been reading budget bytes for years, but to get an accurate price I basically have to multiply her estimates by 2…just a word of caution. My frame of reference is the urban northeast, I think she is in the south.

    11. Tabby Baltimore*

      To answer the resources part of your question: If you’re on a tight budget and in the U.S., a lot of choice about what food to purchase may be one of the things that will fall by the wayside until your financial situation improves. I’ve told my kids that if they want to save money on their grocery bills, they should be doing the following, *at a minimum*:
      1. Register at every one of your local-area chain grocery stores for their “store cards.” This card (usually the size of a small public library card) will enable you to purchase items at a price lower than for those purchasing without the card. It will also often make you eligible for any special sales you may be unaware of. And the card will also enable you to “redeem” the store’s e-coupons on its website.
      2. Clip paper coupons. I know a LOT of people don’t do this b/c of the time involved, but I think it’s worth it. You don’t have to have some fancy container, either; my “coupon holder” is just a business-length paper envelope. In addition to manufacturers occasionally providing coupons inside their packaging, coupon availability in my area depends on my weekend newspaper delivery: paper advertising circulars come in a shrink-wrapped package that includes the coupons plus advertising circulars from non-grocery stores. We have a Sunday-only subscription to our local newspaper, which delivers the grocery circulars on the Saturday before, just to get the coupons.
      3. Plan your meals around the store’s “loss leaders.” Loss leaders are the “specials” being advertised in the store’s weekly circular (see #2 above). Yeah, it really sucks to eat canteloupe and kale when you were hoping to eat strawberries and broccoli that week, but, you do what you gotta do.
      4. Buy the “house brands.” These are the brands with the store’s label on them. In some cases (not all!) a nationally-recognized brand will strike a deal with the store to brand some of the national brand’s output with the store’s label. Since this isn’t true for all store-branded products, though (some really are terribly inferior to the national brand you may be familiar with), you’ll just have to try them out one by one.

      I also second the upthread suggestion to develop a price book. It is such a pain in the neck to create one (you have to remember to either bring it with you to the grocery store when you shop, or take the time to sit down with your receipt and fill it out after each store trip), but it really is worth it if you are serious about saving money.

    12. Manders*

      I know that not everyone can afford the extra amount to buy food in bulk, even if the price per serving is much lower. I really like shopping at restaurant supply stores like Cash & Carry–there’s no membership fee, and often you can find deals where you’re paying about what you would in a regular store for several times as much food. You can also go in on big items with a friend and then split up your purchases into separate containers to save money and create manageable portion sizes. Plus, they often have frozen prepared foods like pasta and wings so you can treat yourself to a nice restaurant quality meal even when you can’t go out to eat.

      I’m also a big fan of frozen vegetables. If you’re cooking them instead of eating them raw, they’re often indistinguishable from fresh.

    13. Kimberlee, Esq*

      Frozen vegetables that you steam in the bag in the microwave are my favorite. We focus on having a protein and a veggie, and often do just sort of random assortments of meat and veggies stir-fried with sofrito or recaito, and that’s a nice, simple, cheap and really healthy meal. Actually, overall, I would say sofrito and recaito are the biggest advice I can give, they are very low-calorie sauce and soup bases that are made of lots of real food (tomatoes, cilantro, spices) and adding them to anything imparts a lot of flavor for very cheap.

    14. Overeducated*

      I save the most money on weeks when I just keep it simple. It’s always the ambitious new recipes that drive up my bill with lots of ingredients, lovely fresh herbs, etc., so I try to do only one of those a week at most. Also, “stocking up” on cheap ethnic ingredients and pantry staples tends to lead to a really high bill, even if the individual items cost less at a certain store, so avoid the temptation to spend more now to “save” later. (I did that last week and blew the budget so badly I am only buying fruit this week and otherwise eating out of the pantry and freezer.) You probably won’t save ever. You’ll just eat more variety or build up your pantry faster than if you bought one thing at a time.

      My cheap, flexible staples are quesadillas filled with whatever’s on sale or left over, omelets, tacos (with eggs, meat, or beans and veggies), pizza (though the cheese can be expensive if you’re cooking for a crowd), pasta with sauce or seasonal veggies, and beans. My favorite bean recipes are Turkish lentil soup, red lentil dal, chana masala, red beans with sausage, black beans with cumin and chili, mujadarra, or spinach and chickpeas with frozen spinach. Except for mujadarra, these are all things you can do on a weeknight or in a slow cooker or pressure cooker.

    15. Thursday Next*

      Lentil soup? The recipe I use makes 6-7 servings, depending on exactly how many lentils I put in (I don’t measure exactly because I buy in bulk but I like to guestimate ~2 cups/1 lb and the total cost of ingredients is about $8, if you have spices like oregano and cumin, at the semi fancy grocery story in my LCOL-MCOL living area.
      Rice and beans make a cheap and easy meal. I add cheddar cheese for salt/flavor but you could also add a bit of meat plus any favorite spices/sauces you have on hand.
      Oatmeal for breakfast is really cheap – I get bulk oats for $0.89/lb, much cheaper than cereal.
      If you want to try baking bread you can make yeastless bread – it’s a much flatter and denser bread (tastes like a more ‘rustic’ bread, and goes great with lentil soup!) but since there’s no yeast you don’t have to worry about making sure the water is a certain temperature, it’s cheaper, and I think breads are a good introduction to baking since you can basically knead them as much as you want.
      Most of the grocery stores in my area have bulk options for spices, oats, nuts and rice. Not where you have to buy a huge amount but where there’s a huge amount and you put what you want in a plastic bag and buy that weight. That’s a cost effective way to get seasonings and spices. This is small, but I save the plastic bags you use to buy fruit and veggies and the plastic containers you get parmesan cheese in and use those to carry lunches and as tupperware, and in that way use fewer bought plastic bags and need fewer tupperware like storage containers.

    16. LawCat*

      Where I live, SNAP beneficiaries basically get a bonus benefit to shop at farmers markets. Definitely worth looking into in your area since it will increase your buying power for fresh produce.

    17. OhBehave*

      Have you checked out the food pantries in your town? These can be a great way to supplement your SNAP groceries each month. Just because you’re on assistance doesn’t mean you can’t go to a food pantry. Our church runs a very busy pantry. In fact we just had our food drive and our members brought in 4,000 lbs of food today! It’s worth checking out.

      While the packaged meal kits can be cheap (Hamburger Helper, etc.), they are full of sodium and really not good for you. Opt for canned fruits/veggies or fresh when cheap. Eggs are a great source of protein and, at least here, are super cheap. I bought a pack of 18 eggs for $1.50 last week. I love breakfast for dinner so eggs are a great option for us.

      Go through the grocery ads and plan meals based on the sales. Sometimes you can find a coupon and save even more. Also check out Money Saving Mom blog. She highlights weekly deals utilizing store sales and coupons.

      A slow cooker is a great option. Chicken Thighs are cheaper and more flavorful. Pasta is a great way to stretch a budget.

    18. gingerblue*

      Meal plan vigorously to find recipes that coordinate with each other and use the same ingredients. When I was in grad school and on a pretty tight budget (and also out on my own for the first time), I got into the habit of thinking in terms of basic weekly routines rather than individual meals, meaning that I developed standard sets of things that I could pick up at the store and combine in different ways. Adding bonus ingredients to those routines unlocks variations.

      For example, one regular set was salad greens, a loaf of bread, a rotisserie chicken, a can of tomatoes, cheese, milk, and eggs (and then whatever else I added that week). Combined with the pantry staples like flour that I always have on hand (restocking a couple of those items that had run low was also a portion of the week’s budget), I could have:

      Chicken and fresh bread (usually the first lunch when I got home from the store)
      Chicken sandwiches (chicken, bread, greens, plus mayo on hand)
      Salad (Greens, dressing on hand or made from pantry staples like oil and vinegar, any other veggies I had picked up)
      Salad with bonus chicken on it (Greens, chicken, etc.)
      Salad with pasta in it (Greens, pasta from pantry, dressing or pesto from pantry)
      Pasta with tomato sauce (pasta from pantry, sauce made with can of tomatoes and spices from pantry)
      Pizza (canned tomatoes, cheese, homemade dough from pantry staples, which is admittedly an advanced maneuver if you don’t bake)
      Grilled cheese (Bread, butter, cheese)
      French toast (Bread, butter, eggs)
      Toast and scrambled/fried/etc. eggs (Bread, butter, eggs)
      Cheesy grits (Cheese; grits and hot sauce from pantry)
      Peanut butter and jelly (Bread, peanut butter and jelly from pantry staples)

      You get the general idea. Add one thing which combines well with at least two or three other things on the basic list, and you get a world of new possibilities. Add a can of tuna to my list above, and I could do tuna sandwiches, salad with tuna on it, and pasta with tuna in the tomato sauce (which is really good, why have I not made that recently?). The point here is to minimize how much thought you have to put into this: I could always come up with a totally new meal plan with totally different ingredients, but on a week when I was busy and stressed, I had these habits that I could fall back on and know that I would wind up fed for an amount of both money and time that I could afford. Don’t hesitate to repeat what you’ve done from one week to the next, as long as you’re not bored and hitting all your nutritional requirements.

      If you’re new-ish to or uncomfortable with cooking, you might look for some really basic cookbooks that emphasize techniques rather than recipes. As I get better at cooking, I find that I’m cooking more simply, quickly, and cheaply, because I now have the skills to decide I’m just going to saute chicken in a pan and add a little soy sauce, without needing to follow a recipe that will usually make things more complicated and call for more ingredients. The cooking section of my local library was a godsend when I was first cooking, as were internet tutorials in basic techniques.

      Be aggressive about freezing leftovers if you think you won’t eat them before they go bad.

      Consider what you habitually eat, and whether there’s anything cheap, tasty, and nutritious that you’ve heard of or seen at the store that you might want to try adding to your comfort zone. Grad school friends introduced me to things like rice (which I thought I hated thanks to the converted rice my Mom always made), tofu, beans, and polenta which were alien to or fairly minor parts of my family’s eating habits growing up.

      Some appliances can pay off as an investment. My rice cooker and slow/pressure cooker have paid for themselves many times over.

      You asked about recipes–what sorts of things do you like?

    1. Tabby Baltimore*

      I know. It makes me want to slide onto the bed and just sit quietly and pet them all, carefully. And then lie down with them and take a nap.

  64. Time to switch?*

    How do you know it’s time to switch therapists? I’ve been with mine for several years now, and while I like her, I don’t think she’s really doing much for me anymore. I’ve had serious issues with anxiety my whole life, and they’re affecting my job. When I try to bring it up, she tells me to do things like breathe, have more confidence, and to take risks. All of that is fine, but I’ve either tried them already (breathing) or have incredible difficulty doing them successfully. There’s been nothing to help these situations long term, and they’re just getting worse. I’m just getting the feeling that she’s brushing off some of the things that are really bothering me, or she doesn’t think they’re a big deal.

    1. Ruffingit*

      As a therapist myself, I think you need to switch therapists now. You feel as though the issue that brought you to therapy isn’t getting better, it’s still affecting major areas of your life, and you don’t feel heard. Plus, you’ve given her several years. Make a switch. Sometimes a new therapist is just necessary because of stagnation let alone other issues. Your current therapist should be pushing you to see someone new at this point as that is part of her ethical duty considering things are not progressing and it’s been years.

      1. Time to switch?*

        Thank you for the insight! I’ve been hedging on switching therapists because I felt like it was “cheating”, somehow, or she’d find out and get upset. I had no idea that therapists would actually encourage switching to someone else.

        I have a few names of new therapists that I was interesting, and I think I’ll give it a go and see if anything clicks with one of them.

      2. Sunflower*

        I don’t want to derail the convo but do you have suggestions for how to talk to your therapist about something like this? I’ve been going for 1.5 years and I love her! But about 2 months ago, I hit a stagnant point and I’ve stopped feeling like she’s helping. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve spent the last 9 months mostly obsessing about my on and off relationship and shes running out of things to say to me(TBH I’m tired of talking about it too but it’s still the main problem in my life). She seems bored or just keeps reaffirming my feelings but I need some more real life tips or ‘homework’ or something from her. I’m terrible at confrontation so IDK how to bring it up or what to expect.

        1. Reba*

          Try to reframe it, maybe. You say that you’re “terrible at confrontation” but asking your therapist for what you need is not a confrontational at all! They are being paid to help you help yourself, and what’s more they *want* you to get better! My only experience with this was simply to say, “Thanks for everything, but I don’t think I’m going to make another appointment.”

          Many people suggest writing something out if it is too tough to start a conversation out loud. I think you could print out what you’ve written here, if it feels too difficult to say something critical to your therapist, and show it to her.

          OTOH “she seems bored” might mean time to look for somebody else…. Good luck!

        2. Ruffingit*

          If you like your therapist, you may be able to solve this by talking with her about what you need! If you’re looking for more real life tips or homework, you can ask for that! If you want to try a new therapist and you aren’t sure how to pose this to your old one, know that you can just call her office and let them know you won’t be coming back and ask that they relay to her that you’d like to try a different therapist, but you appreciate her work with you.

          If you’d rather talk with her in person, you can say “I’m feeling as though it may be time for me to try something new. I’d like to try a different therapist. I hope you understand.”

          And remember this: if she doesn’t understand and/or tries to make you feel badly, she is not a good therapist and that alone would be reason to leave.

    2. Sherm*

      I had two long-term therapists in my past. One was pretty good, the other one excellent. Now looking back, though, I feel I stayed too long with both of them. I definitely had that “not doing much for me anymore” feeling, and if I had to do it over again, I would have left when I had that feeling. The way my non-expert self sees it, a therapist is like a teacher, and there comes a point where the teacher has taught all the he or she knows, and there’s nothing left to teach.

      1. TL -*

        My therapist told me, “hey we’re mostly just chatting now – that’s a sign we should taper down usually. Do you have anything else you want to explore? If not, how do you want to handle future sessions?”
        It was a really great way to handle it – I tapered off seeing him (because I wanted the security blanket feeling!). He was correct but let me be in control of the process.

  65. Spoonie*

    Without going into tons of detail, at what point do you know/believe/think it’s time to end a relationship? Is it a gut feeling for you or a spur of the moment decision or something that logically arrive at?

    1. Ruffingit*

      It depends on the situation I suppose, but anytime I’ve ended friendships I usually took some time away from the person and then realized how much better I felt without them in my life.

      With romantic relationships, it was generally a feeling of knowing I’ve done all I can and that I need to move on. For me, I always reached a point where I realized that I was putting in a lot of work for something that wasn’t going to get any better and that it just wasn’t worth the effort anymore. Of course, this is a simplified version of the process, but that is it in a nutshell.

      Personally, I think if you’re contemplating ending a relationship, you know something isn’t working so taking some time away from that other person may help clarify your feelings. When you’re in the thick of things, it can be hard to think clearly and to be able to even hear your feelings so to speak.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. And even with time off it can still be hard to decide. It’s easy to remember the good times. I have a 50 plus year relationship I am considering ending. I can’t deal with the gas lighting and the psychosis. I definitely feel better without this person. (Am skipping a bunch of stuff here.) So far I have decided to reduce the number of contact points to a couple times a year. We’ll see how that goes.

        OP, if you really can’t decide, maybe you can keep enough in contact so you know her current contact info.

    2. Sir Alanna Trebond*

      I only have experience with ending one romantic relationship…

      My first hint that it might be time to go was that I was spending a lot of time googling “Is it time to break up?” and “How do you break up with your boyfriend?” and “How do I know if I need to break up?” It still took me a lot of time after that to decide to break up. I figured out two things that really bothered me in our relationship/made me worry we were incompatible. The next day, I started off a conversation with Thing #1, which ended up making it clear to me that we were incompatible. We never even got to discussing Thing #2.
      That night, when I pictured breaking up with him, all I felt was relief.

      The reality ended up meeting expectations, too. The conversation itself was tough because he wasn’t a bad guy, just bad for me. Afterwards I felt so free! I picked up some new shampoo, flirted with a cashier, and literally skipped home.

    3. Sunflower*

      I’ve ended two romantic relationships but under very different circumstances. I would say both times I had some doubts for a while and I kind of ignored them. Once I couldn’t ignore them anymore, I started overanalyzing the crap out of them. So I ended up ending both of them later than I should have. Both times a lot of my struggle was simply getting the courage to actually end it- I knew inside that they were over long before I officially said it.

      The first was quite toxic and off and on. I hit a point where I said ‘I don’t want to kill myself but I literally can’t live anymore like this’. Even after that, it still took me months to end it for good. It got to the point where I realized I would never be able to get past our past- he had screwed me over so many times I knew I could never trust him again. The second time, he was a good guy but a little too immature. He also really loved me. I struggled a lot because I was scared I would never find someone who loved me as much as he did. I still haven’t but ending the relationship was the right choice and I don’t have regrets over it.

      I think if you’re having doubts, you’ve gotta explore them. Maybe it’s something you can work on, maybe it’s not. Maybe you’ve just hit a point where you’re just too tired and it doesn’t seem worth it to try fixing it. Think about why you’re trying to hold onto the relationship. Is it a valid reason or is it rooted in fear?

    4. Aurion*

      I knew my last relationship wasn’t going to work out–we’d talked about things we wanted in the distant future and they didn’t match. We didn’t end things then (there were three “then”s in which we talked about this but didn’t pull the plug) because it was good, and we made each other happy in the short term.

      But one day something a friend said made me think about the relationship again, and this time it was during a period where logistics made it a lot more work for not a lot of fun. I initiated the conversation again and our answers hadn’t changed, so I ended it then and there. We were both surprised in the moment (I honestly hadn’t planned on breaking up), but both of us knew in our heart of hearts that this was never going to work long term–the only thing that was a surprise was the when. The relationship lasted 5.5 years, and I think we both knew by about year 3.

      No hard feelings, and we’re still friends.

  66. MsChanandlerBong*

    I’m so annoyed with my (auto) insurance company right now. In January, I called and asked them to let me know if I could get a discount for paying in full. They said they should be able to offer 10% off, so I said to switch me from monthly billing to pay-in-full, and I’d pay the next day. Well, apparently, there’s some law in my state that caps the discount at 3%, which would only save us $18. I have ongoing medical issues, so I decided to keep the $520 in our savings and have them switch us back to monthly billing. Ever since then, things have been royally screwed up. The premium went from $520 to $618. Called twice (the first guy argued with me, so I had to call again) and found out they accidentally took away our claim-free discount when doing the billing change. Yesterday, I saw that $17.33 had been withdrawn from our bank account by the insurance company. Our premium payment was due on 3/22, but I paid it on 3/8. So I went to the insurance website to check on the problem, and it said our policy was canceled! I had to waste 20 minutes on the phone with them to figure out that the system got screwed up because of the payment change (from monthly to pay-in-full back to monthly), so it thought our policy had expired. She said it was fixed, we have no lapse in coverage. Today, I wake up and find another cancellation notice from them! Called again, the lady told me it’s okay on their end, but it will take 7 days to catch up on the website. This is the 7th time I’ve had to call since January, and I am getting aggravated.

    1. KR*

      I know the feeling. I just switched from Allstate because whenever I called to switch something with my policy they would refer me to my local agent who I don’t like especially and who only has hours M-F during the day – not very conducive when you’re working to pay for insurance during those hours. Apparently they can’t make any changes by phone since I live in California and all changes have to be made by a local agent. I call BS especially since I switched to USAA and they did everything on the phone with no hassle.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        My issue is with Esurance, which is an Allstate company! Yet my mother and father have had Allstate since the late 1970s, and they’ve never once had a problem.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          If you can move away from that company you will probably be happier, sez the wife of a (late and former) insurance adjuster.

          FWIW, I am with Traveler’s now. Coincidentally, someone mentioned a few days ago that Traveler’s had dropped their rates. Boy, I guess. I went from 2k per year for home and auto to 800. Nice savings on that one.

          Do you have an insurance agent? If yes, they should be advocating for you now. If no, you might want to tell the company you are going to your state office for the insurance commissioner. Saying this usually motivates people to do their jobs.

          1. SaltWater*

            Where are you located?? My Traveler’s auto policy went from $429 to $590 for 6 months coverage in Seattle. No claims. I checked with my agent and she was pretty blase about it. “Oh, all auto premiums are going up.” One car trip planned in a month, then I’m getting rid of it. I walk to work and have shops in walking distance. Bus and Car2Go for what I’ll need won’t add up to almost $1200 a year. Ridiculous.

      2. Overeducated*

        I switched from Allstate years ago when they insisted only my local agent could make changes to my account, but my local agent just kept failing to do so and then started saying it was “impossible in their system.” Then when I got a 6 month bill auto debited after I had supposedly canceled through the local agent I got so mad I refused to get off the phone until someone other than him processed and confirmed it.

        If you get someone competent I am sure they’re fine, and I like the idea of supporting local business, but going with a centralized company has saved me a ton of time and money.

      3. KR*

        While we’re on the topic and sorry to slightly hijack your post, but my husband tried to take a vehicle off progressive because we put it on USAA and they are trying to charge us a 54$ fee for cancelling. Mind you this is is just one vehicle and we still insure a vehicle through Progressive since USAA doesn’t offer motorcycle insurance. Their computers weren’t working when we called last night so we couldn’t complete the cancellation (and thank goodness because husband was about to pay the “fee” without question) and Allstate’s computers weren’t working either which is super irritating.

      4. Clever Name*

        I’m not a fan of Allstate. They cancelled our policy without telling us. I discovered it when they sent us a check reimbursing us for our premium and a letter. Our agent had breezily told us that some maintenance issues on the exterior of our new house needed to be addressed, which we were then getting bids for. She never said, “do it by x date or we will cancel your policy”. I’m still pissed about this.

    2. Rebecca*

      I switched from Allstate to Erie. I was a lifelong Allstate customer, but the rates kept going up, up, up…and after 25 years I switched. It happened after I called my agent’s office, talked to her assistant, or rather talked at her assistant. She acted like I was an inconvenience rather than a customer. After several calls, she said she could make changes that would lower my rate. I got my bill, and it was higher than before. I called Erie, and got a rate for one year that was nearly equal to the rate Allstate was charging me for 6 months, and with the same coverage. I never called Allstate again. This was several years ago, and I’m still getting mailings, even some that are hand addressed, from that agent.

      The only thing I don’t like is I can’t pay the entire year’s bill via credit card. They said they would have to charge a 7% surcharge due to merchant fees, and I think that’s a bit extreme since I know Visa merchant charges are not that high.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Rebecca, I hope you let the agent know why you switched, and MsChanandlerBong, I hope you switch. Even with USAA, which is great, I still check rates once in a while, although they’d have to be a LOT better than what I’m paying now for me to switch. When my dad passed away, I went online and added his car, adjusted coverages, removed it when it was sold, added our shiny new car, and took off the one we traded in, and it was all so easy. There’s no reason it should be any harder than that.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          I would have switched, but I couldn’t find a lower rate. The next cheapest company wanted $623 for the same coverage I have with Esurance for $520.

  67. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

    Hey all,

    I’d like to get some thoughts on Weight Watchers vs. other weight management apps/programs.

    I’ve done WW before, but I stopped after the first month even though I was seeing results. I hate the app and having to log foods, etc, and thought I could just apply the WW principles on my own… Not.

    So, I signed up again and am reminded why I stopped in the first place. Today, I consumed about 1800 calories but because I drank a 12oz can of Coke (included in cal count) and had an oatmeal creme pie, so WW has me over my points by like 100. The other app I use has multiple modules, including steps counting, activity tracking, food tracking, heart rate and O2 tracking, and sleep monitoring. The food tracker in that app grades my meals based on calorie count, vitamin/nutrient content, and food type and serving size to assign the meal a score, so salad with protein and dairy would be like 100, where candy is like a 5.

    I’m inclined to monitor my food based on the app and essentially disregard my points, but still use the WW until my subscription expires.

    Anyone have any thoughts or comments to share? :-) I’d surely appreciate it!

    1. Observer*

      I don’t know the app, so I can’t comment to specifically. But, they may have a point. Calories are the most important thing, but what for you get them in matters, too. Foods high in sugar wind up causing more problems with weight than other foods with similar calorie counts. Google glycemic index for some more information.

      1. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

        Thanks for your suggestion.
        I’ve found Choose My Plate to be an interesting and helpful resource, but I’ve never looked into the glycemic index.

    2. Book Lover*

      YMMV, but I find calculators and trackers that take activity into account do not help me lose weight. It is strictly calories in – and calories out don’t seem to matter for me. WW appears to be the most effective weight loss tool according to studies I’ve seen.

      I suppose you could try it your way and see if you get results, but I suspect you would do better if you followed the program as is.

      1. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

        Well, I had success with WW previously and thought, oh well this is mainly portion sizes combined with obviously healthy choices and exercises, so I can do this without paying the monthly subscription fee, and that did not pan out. I find that tracking through an app is a helpful accountability tool for me personally, so I went back to WW and remembered pretty quickly why I didn’t like it the first time. I think I’m just going to use both apps for a while and see where that gets me.

    3. Christy*

      The first day is hard as you learn the system! Give it a week, even without changing your diet, just to see what WW thinks of how you’ve been eating and some easy changes you can make, like cutting out soda.

      WW uses high SP values to disincentivize eating sugary or high-in-saturated-fat food, which can be really frustrating. But it’s basically the same grading system as the other app, just differently structured.

      I’ve been on WW for two years. Year 1 I focused well on the plan–I lost 40 lbs and tracked religiously. Year 2 I’ve been less focused and I’ve maintained the 40 lb loss, which is pretty incredible IMO.

      This plan is their best yet–I did WW back in 2012 with pointsplus and I think this plan does a better job getting you to eat real food (and not weird stuff with fake added fiber).

      The best part of their newer system is the “shift your mindset”. It’s the most mentally-healthy part of WW that I’ve ever seen. It leads to really great community at meetings, too.

      I know it’s only been a day on plan, and you’re trying and finding it frustrating so far, and it takes time for your eating habits to adjust. But I just want to say this–the WW plan really incentivizes healthy choices. (Like actually healthy, not “diet” healthy.) Coke and oatmeal cream pies are objectively not healthy. And that’s fine–sometimes we make those choices. (I know I do.) Sometimes we go way over our points. (Like I did from fourth-meal lasagna last night.) Just track it and move on. The next day will be better.

      1. dear liza dear liza*

        I think a lot depends on what you need to adjust, diet-wise (good old YMMV). My downfall is carbs- I love cakes and bread and cookies and croissants and nom nom nom. Left to my own devices, I wouldn’t eat veggies. WW Points Plus works wonderfully for me. Under that system, all foods are treated pretty much the same- 40 calories=1 point- making it super easy for me to calculate on the fly when grocery shopping or eating out. I was shocked when the donut that was 8 points under Points Plus was suddenly 11 points under Smart Points. I’ve heard the Smart Points called Nanny Points, and yeah. Now, I never ate fat-free food or any of that fake stuff, so I don’t need any nudge to get me back to more normal food. I just need to track what I’m eating and stay within my points, and if I eat that lasagna, then I have to eat zero point soup the next night for dinner.
        I also try to keep it as simple as possible. I’ll track my food , but don’t bother with the activity tracker (I work out but it doesn’t affect my weight) or any of the other stuff.
        Like Christy said, the beginning is the hardest. I’d give any plan two weeks before you decide whether it’s really working (unless you’re miserable, of course!)

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          I have been using WW since 2009, and I also have a strong dislike for “Smart” Points. I actually did better on the regular points, losing 65 lbs., and now I’m having trouble maintaining on SP. (I actually went up a bit, but that had nothing to do with the plan; after years of following it, I needed some indulgence time, which reinforced that I need to keep tracking what I eat, or I will overeat.)

          Studies have shown that any kind of logging or tracking helps you eat less — that’s why most diets will show some results, no matter how silly the ideas behind them. I feel like the quick equivalency of Points still is very helpful for me, because it makes it easy to compare, say, a Russell Stover creme egg and two “drinks” (3oz) of hard liquor. I can choose to have one or the other after dinner, they’re the same Points value. I can just pick whichever one I want more at that moment.

          1. Dear Liza Dear Liza*

            Yes, exactly! I now record my own Points Plus in the WW system. It aggravates me greatly that they don’t give you a choice of systems (but I guess they can’t sell all new cookbooks to people if they let them stay on the old system, grrrr.)

        2. LawCat*

          I hated SmartPoints and dropped WW when they switched and I couldn’t make it work. PointsPlus worked beautifully and there are apps that will do PointsPlus.

    4. Manders*

      I looked into weight watchers but the point system seemed confusing to me. There’s an app called MyFitnessPal that does a good job of tracking calories out as well as making it easy to check calories in. A word of warning: I think the app sets an unreasonably low calorie limit if you’re short, and it wasn’t very good at working with people who weightlift or practice unusual sports. It also doesn’t do a very good job of helping people gain muscle or track other indicators of fitness, it’s only really good at helping you keep a calorie deficit going.

      1. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

        My alternate app is the app that comes preloaded on Samsung devices, S Health, and I really *love* it. I can actually set my own calorie limits and chose 1800 based on an analysis I did on ChooseMyPlate.gov. The only downside to S Health is the lack of connectivity to other apps, because I can’t link my Gear watch to WW.

    5. A Person*

      I don’t like apps; they let me slak off without real consequences. Face to face groups work better for me. I get mre social support, and I’m more likely to stick with it if someone else is weighing me.

      I hate hate hate WW points system (and the same goes for Slimming World’s sins – ugh!)

      I had the best luck by just buying smaller plates and using smaller saucepans to cook in. Portins make a biger diffeerence than counting calories. I also made healthier choices, reducing fat, salt and sugar (but not cutting sweet & salty treats out completely; that way lies madness and binging (for me, anyway).) I have to have a food plan I can live with for the rest of my life, so it can’t be a too-strict diet.

      The most successful programme I ever went to was a Rosemary Conley class that did healthy eating, with portion contral and calorie counting – and weekly weigh-ins – all based around an aerobics class. So weight and exercise were all in one package, but it was a lot more social than going to the gym. I lost four stone and got fit and toned all at the same time. (And then RC went bankrupt, the franchise system fell apart, and that class folded….)

      1. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

        I totally understand on the binging. I’m an emotional eater, so I’ve been working really hard to break out of the mindset of, I’m sad or mad so I’ll drink 3 cans of Coke and have a honey bun (or 2). I’m trying to think of ways to add exercise to my routine also, which will get easier in the coming weeks as I cut my daily commute from 3 hours roundtrip to 70 minutes roundtrip. I’m also working on portion control, as you mentioned, by basically taking what I would have eaten before and cutting it in half for protein and grains/starches, and doubling portions of veggies.

    6. Aphrodite*

      I’ve never done WW but, wow, that sounds like a major hassle. I need to lose weight as well and my doctor recommended bariatric surgery. Insurance would cover it, but the orientation scared me. I trust the surgeon and his staff. However, this is radical. So I am looking at joining my local YMCA. Since I was last there several years ago they have added a lot of classes all seven days. I think I’d rather do that then follow WW or anything else. Have you thought about other options that might not take over your life?

      1. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

        Well, one major thing that I’m combating is emotional eating, which I’m just trying to take on day by day. The food tracking helps me stay aware mostly and accountable to myself.
        We are members of our local Y, but the difficulty I have with exercise is literally finding time, because I commute 3 hours roundtrip to work and weekends are spent playing catchup on chores. So I’m working very hard to work more activity into my daily routine, and my commute will be cut by more than half after this week (yay new job!).

        1. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

          Sorry – incomplete thought courtesy of my 1.5 yr old. The shortened commute should allow me additional flexibility to work out more frequently.

  68. Lissa*

    Had my gallbladder out yesterday! I can only just barely sit up at the computer now, but generally feel pretty good Actually, surprisingly good except for the expected pain (which I realize is a bit “other than that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play..) I had been feeling just a general malaise/overall badness in body and brain for the last six months or more, and since getting out of surgery it’s basically gone I have a few theories but not sure if they make sense…1) painkillers are affecting me more than I think 2) i’m mildly allergic to something I eat regularly, and this worked as a mini-cleanse or 3) gallbladder was causing more issues than I realized.

    I’m off work for the next few days, then lightly working remotely, so I know I’m going to be bored silly especially since I can’t sit at the computer for long, so I’m stuck with my phone, which isn’t my preferred way of browsing. On the other hand, a few guilt-free days off is nice.

    1. Minerva McGonagall*

      From folks I’ve known with gall bladder issues, I’d vote for number 3. All felt so much better after surgery, beyond eliminating the acute symptoms.

    2. Gracie*

      Mine was number three. I really didn’t believe my dr when he would tell me that my gallbladder was the reason that something was wrong because it just seemed so strange that it could cause so many different issues but when it was gone. When it was gone, there was immediate improvement so it may not be just the painkillers. Wish you the best of luck on your recovery!

    3. Gallbladder-less anonymous*

      Having had my gallbladder out, I would vote for number 3 as well. If your post-op instructions included breathing exercises I would recommend doing them because it helps get rid of the gas in your abdominal area more quickly. I would also suggest keeping a food diary for a bit to see how different foods affect you post-surgery. I’ve found that my body still can’t handle certain fatty foods, though it was trial-and-error for a long time before I figured out what those foods were.

    4. Sandra dee*

      I had mine out a month ago, after months of feeling like constant crud. I feel so much better. It’s amazing. I don’t have constant pain in my side anymore. Don’t rush into anything. Take it easy. I took a full week off work, plus a week of working remotely. I’m not quite 100% yet, but getting closer every day. Best wishes for quick healing.

    5. MsChanandlerBong*

      I vote for #3 as well. I had acalculous gallbladder disease, which means I didn’t have any gallstones, but I still had symptoms (discomfort after eating more than a few grams of fat, couldn’t tolerate fried food at all, etc.). Before I had mine out, I spent around 18 days in a row just retching and feeling sick. I couldn’t get the surgery right away because I had to be cleared by my cardiologist. When the surgeon got in there, he said I had adhesions from previous surgeries wrapped around the neck of the gallbladder. The organ itself wasn’t all that inflamed, but it was inflamed enough to make me miserable. I had it done on a Monday afternoon and went out for dinner with friends on Friday night. I was so sick before the surgery that I felt better even though I had some discomfort.

  69. Julie Noted*

    Question for the American readers, inspired by the discussion about tonsils earlier this week:

    What’s with all the sore throats? So many stories about how often individals get badly infected throats (severe enough to miss work), lots of anecdotes of tonsilectomies on kids and adults. I realised that I hear references to strep throat and similar from American media and online commentators *vastly* out of proportion to my personal experience, and that of my family, friends, co-workers and everyone I’ve managed. In my experience it’s been very rare for someone to need a day off work because of a throat infection, and I live in a place with national minimum sick leave standards and a generally much better approach to sick leave so I don’t think workplace norms are the issue.

    Does anyone in the medical field know if there are national differences in diagnosis or incidence or something? Why are your throats so sore?

    1. Sir Alanna Trebond*

      So, I just did a quick Google search because I was curious.

      Disclaimer: I’m peripherally in the medical field, hopefully a doctor in the future!

      A quick Google search doesn’t reveal anything much. I’m wondering if it’s environmental? Maybe y’all have less pollen or air pollution or whatever, so people’s throats aren’t as irritated? I found a study looking at sore throat incidence in the UK, France, Poland, and Malaysia which I’ll link in a reply. It didn’t seem to show anything ground-breaking though.

    2. Jen RO*

      This is interesting and I was thinking about it recently! (I am also not American.)

      I had a *very* sore throat about a month ago and I googled strep because, based on the comments here, it sounded like the plague and I didn’t want to get my coworkers sick. (It also hurt worse than any other throat problem I could remember.) The doctor just took a 5-second look at my throat and prescribed antibiotics. She didn’t test me, so I don’t know what it was, but she did suggest I work from home for a few days. As a data point, tonsillectomies were very common in my childhood, but I haven’t had one.

      So, my hunch is that a sore throat is just not seen as a big deal around here. At worst, you’d go to the doctor and get some antibiotics, but most people just come to work and suck on some lozenges. We have no American-style sick days, so a doctor’s note is needed for any kind of medical leave and most people just don’t bother going for something so minor.

      1. Observer*

        The problem is that strep really is NOT minor. On the other hand, giving antibiotics for any and all sore throats is turning into a real problem as well – rebound effect and antibiotic resistance are not good things.

        I think that that’s why people are more conscious here – good doctors will no longer prescribe without a strep test, and people are more cognizant of the issues.

        I can say, anecdotally, that strep and sore throat doesn’t seem more common than when I was a child, but I do see much different handling of the matter.

    3. Christy*

      I bet strep throat is just really memorable, even if you haven’t had it in five years. Take me–I contracted strep while traveling in Germany, and when I flew home still sick, I felt like I was dying. Untreated strep makes you feel like you can’t swallow (like you’d rather spit your saliva every 30 seconds can’t swallow) or lie down or exert yourself (by, like, walking across an airport, not like climb a mountain).

      So my money’s on that it’s just overrepresented in media, honestly. I complain about strep even though I haven’t had it since 2012. It’s awful.

      1. FDCA In Canada*

        Yup. I’ve had strep twice, and both times it was the sickest I’ve ever been. Technically it’s just a throat infection, but I was miserable–my throat was on fire and I couldn’t swallow without severe pain, I had a terrible fever and associated muscle aches, and I was so weak I could barely get out of bed. I was a student both times, but there was no way I could have just taken some lozenges and gotten on with work. I could barely keep my eyes open! Antibiotics start to work quite quickly, but there’s some misery involved beforehand, that’s for sure.

    4. Jessesgirl72*

      Strep isn’t that big of a deal, but it’s an easily transmitted bacterial infection- so it spreads through schools and daycares (and home to the parents) like wildfire. Which is why if you have the swab and it comes back as strep, you’re supposed to take like a day off work. But antibiotics wipe it out fast.

      If left untreated, though, it can turn into scarlet fever. And scarlet fever, while still treated with antibiotics, has worse consequences.

      1. Observer*

        It can also turn into rheumatic fever, another disease with potentially severe consequences. That’s why it’s take very seriously. And, that’s why smart organizations don’t penalize people for staying home for the first 24 hours on antibiotics.

        1. Jessesgirl72*

          Yes, I was going to mention rheumatic fever, but then didn’t want to be accused of exaggerating and fear mongering. ;)

          But my mother’s cousin did have scarlet fever turn into rheumatic fever when they were kids, and she has had the lifelong heart problems and epilepsy ever since.

          When my best friend developed scarlet fever when I was in 1st grade, my brother and I were on penicillin. because of that history. And sure enough, another cousin developed scarlet fever from Strep too and it was treated aggressively, because of our family history.

    5. fposte*

      I think there may be a few things going on–selection bias, variant terminology (Myrin was noting that the terms didn’t map well in Germany, for instance, and I find a lot of puzzled Brits asking about the term “strep throat”), and who you’re hanging with in your country, whatever country that is. Says an interesting source, “It is also estimated that 15% of school-age children in developed countries will develop a symptomatic case of S. pyogenes pharyngitis each year, whereas the incidence of S. pyogenes pharyngitis in less developed countries may be five to ten times that number.” So that means a regular experience of knowing somebody with strep throat for most schoolkids. I also found a British medical source that states (without including its own source) that “sore throat” has an annual incidence of 100 in a thousand in the UK and that about 15-30% of kids with sore throats have strep (about 5-15% of adults). An NZ page says it’s about 10% of sore throats overall there, so it’s not just the northern hemisphere.

      Interestingly, scarlet fever is having a notable resurgence: it’s been rising in Vietnam and Hong Kong (nine times higher than only a few years ago there), and it’s apparently at a 50-year high in the UK.

      Now if you’re in some nice

      2. Book Lover*

        My son has had strep four times. First time I thought he had appendicitis, turned out to be strep – apparently abdominal pain is a pretty common symptom. The second time I thought he would die – high fever and listless. He had scarlet fever the third time, poor thing. And the fourth time fever and vomiting. The sore throats was always the least of it. I was curious and had him tested when asymptomatic and the test was negative, and he was well within 24-48 hours of antibiotics, but I had wondered if he was just a carrier and the symptoms were from something else.

        Anyway, strep is definitely not minor, and rheumatic fever is a big deal.

      3. Julie Noted*

        I suspect ‘strep throat’ is a North American term*. We never use it here, and I assume that much of the time when people say they had strep throat they didn’t actually get a swab done to confirm the specific genus, so I’ve been mentally translating ‘strep throat’ into ‘very, very sore throat’. Still, it’s very rare in my experience for anyone to need time off work for a sore throat, unless that symptom was part of a head cold.

        We probably have a bit less industrial pollution, but not less pollen or other irritants. Asthma rates are very high here, often triggered by airborne pollen, seeds etc. I wondered if there might be an overtreatment effect at play in terms of antibiotic use, and/or possibly more people seeing a doctor for sore throat if medical certificates are required for time off work. Selection bias is the most obvious but least interesting candidate.

        *Similarly, I assume that ‘stomach flu’ is a North American term for what we call a stomach bug or lurgy. It’s not influenza of the stomach.

        1. fposte*

          “Stomach flu” is an annoying North American term, because I think even most Americans know that’s not the flu, but the use is not going away any time soon. “Stomach bug” would be recognizable here too, but only a handful of renegade Goon Show fans would recognize “lurgy.” (Which my friend and I use for any bout of illness, so we’re horribly diluting the term.)

        2. Christy*

          I’ll say, in my experience in the US, every time I’m referring to strep throat I have had my throat swabbed. That’s what makes it strep! The throat swab is a routine part of sick visits to the doctor when you might have strep.

          (I really just think I’m defensive about strep because it’s so easily treatable with antibiotics but sans antibiotics it is the sickest you can be, basically.)

    6. Chaordic One*

      I’ve run into several people who had heart problems and they were told by their doctors that their heart muscles had probably been damaged by a strep infection that spread from their throats. These people all had heart valve replacements, which is a major open-heart surgery. The people had their heart valves replaced with pig heart valves, cow heart valves or with mechanical heart valves. The animal heart valves are treated like leather and tanned before they are ready for surgery and they are effectively dead tissue and similar to mechanical heart valves. The people came back to work about a month after their surgeries, but really, it took them a good year or so to recover fully.

      OTOH, you really can’t tell if a sore throat is strep or just a common virus that doesn’t need treatment. You really have to get your throat tested for strep to be sure.

    7. NotoriousMCG*

      Whenever I get sick (colds, usually) it always starts in my throat, which is the WORST. I think even though it’s a minor thing in the grand scheme of things, we always will just complain more about a sore throat because it affects every single second of your day and keeps reminding you about it so it gets inflated.

      As for why mine start in my throat, I dunno. I got tonsillitis a lot when I was younger (almost had to get them out in high school because my retainer kept reinfecting me) and am prone to tonsil stones. But I would choose to have so many other symptoms (stuffy nose, fuzzy head, lethargy, etc.) over another sore throat.

  70. TheLazyB*

    Anyone heard of the physics Diet? Tried it?

    I’ve put on around 2 stone since going on ADs and finally got sick of it so I’m trying it, and kind of weirdly enjoying it. Lost 4lbs in a few days even after having a really bad day yesterday and eating last night.

    1. caledonia*

      I think the article is downright weird and echoes the infamous Kate Moss line “nothing tastes as good as thin feels” or something like that. By all means, eat less and stop snacking and be healthy but that article isn’t it.

      1. TheLazyB*

        Weird how different the two responses to this are :)

        Funny as that Kate Moss line makes me feel squicky but the article feels somehow different to me. I can’t put my finger on why. I’ll have a think.

        1. TheLazyB*

          Got it the second I clicked away. I don’t want to be thin; that’s why I don’t like the KM line. I want to be healthy, and I want to stop comfort eating, and I want my body to be like it was 2.5 years ago. And rightly or wrongly the idea of ‘the physics diet’ is helping me get there. YMMV though as ever! :)

    2. Kimberlee, Esq*

      I like this article! it mirrors a way to lose weight that I’ve had success with, if I can stick to it, which is just skipping breakfast and lunch, and drinking tea or seltzer water instead. I definitely need to have options of stuff I can consume endlessly, and tea is great for that, especially at work. As long as I keep reasonably busy at work, I honestly don’t even feel hungry; i think, for me, eating is a symptom of boredom more than it is a response to actual hunger. I’m going to try this whole “evaporation” mindset, too, I like that.

      1. Amadeo*

        Heh, it’s called fasting, or in some circles One Meal A Day. I recommend Dr Fung’s Obesity Code book for more information on how fasting tends to work. I’ll do it a few weeks at a time on his 24 hour every other day (at least through the week – weekends are hard!) with just a cup of broth at lunch to help the brain think food. The first week or so is super hard, but after that it gets a lot easier. You end up not having to decide what on earth you’re going to eat for lunch and you don’t get burnt out on bacon and eggs for breakfast.

        And I gotta admit, every week I fast properly, I do lose a pound or so and cravings become less intense and/or go away entirely.

    3. blackcat*

      As a scientist, I’m appalled by that article. It reeks of the attitude that some physicists have: physics is the most basic science, so I can explain anything. Nope.

      This is not how biology works. Biology is not physics. Our weight is FAR more complex than energy in and energy out. And it evolved to be that way–we are supposed to hold onto whatever weight we have when a famine hits. That’s how our bodies work, and it’s kept us alive as a species for a long time.

      It’s particularly not true in people who have done any time of extreme or yo-yo dieting. I’ll put links below.

      2. fposte*

        But his point about eating changes having more effect than exercise seems to stand up pretty well.

        However, I did notice that this article was from 2003 and I was curious to see if he’d kept the weight off. Looks like he hasn’t, so he may have found some complexities in the system himself.

    1. Anonynony*

      Love that article! That’s weight loss in a nutshell, including the reminder that it’s not enough simply to stop doing something you’ve found rewarding (the satisfaction of the instant gratification of overeating), but that, to succeed, it’s necessary to replace the old reward with a new one (taking immediate satisfaction from the sensations that result from calorie reduction).

      1. fposte*

        It’s interesting, because I’ve lost a decent amount of weight recently as a side effect of dietary restriction and health stuff. It’s not my body burning through stuff because of illness–it’s just that what I eat changed radically. It’s made me think a lot about American dietary habits and the difference between hunger and appetite. I get hungry at dinnertime sometimes, but I don’t have hunger as an obstacle nagging me to eat the way I feared, and it’s a reminder that for a long time I ate enough from pure appetite that I almost never experienced a genuine hunger pang–and I don’t think I’m alone in this.

        1. TheLazyB*

          The first day I was shaky and felt weird. After that I genuinely don’t really feel hungry, which is working wonders for my portion sizes.

          Appetite =/= hunger. That is almost revolutionary for me. Thanks fposte.

  72. Chocolate Teapot*

    After last week’s power cut, I got the electrician to come round. Sadly he couldn’t fix the power supply as it runs off a different cable to the rest of the flat.

    The building architect was with him and seemed oblivious to the fact I wanted it sorted as soon as possible. To make matters worse, I had moved all my stuff/junk/evidence of non-minimalism into another room which was not affected by the power. The architect still barged in anyway, followed by my landlord, and decided to use my computer stool to stand on without asking. (I had provided my stepladder specially)

    I am not impressed. It turns out a builder managed to sever my power cable whilst pulling up tiles but after a “We’ll be in touch”, I haven’t heard anything about when it is going to be repaired.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      What has your landlord said about it? At the very least, I think you’re entitled to a reduction in rent until this is resolved. What a pain!

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Thanks!

        The landlord says that the builders/architect need to repair everything and replaster the ceiling, which I agree with, but it’s a week since it happened. I am hoping the landlord might agree to pay for redecorating.

        1. SophieChotek*

          This sounds like a nightmare. I agree you are entitled to some sort of compensation.

  73. Merci Dee*

    I find it hard to believe, but I wake to my 40th birthday. Some days, I feel half this age. But lately I’ve been under the weather, and feeling twice as old. Expecting many new adventures for this next decade in my life – kiddo will graduate from high school and head off to college. Depending on what she studies, she could even graduate from college before I turn 50.

    Wow. Where is all the time going?

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Happy birthday! We’re both excited and sick about our one and only minion graduating high school in 3 years. On the one hand, we know she’s capable of great things, and it’ll be nice to have more freedom in our personal lives at the tail end of our 40s, but of course we worry about her, it’s part of the job description. :)

      1. Merci Dee*

        The other day, kiddo told me that she’s never moving out because she doesn’t want me to get lonely by myself. I just smiled and hugged her … but secretly planned to look up locksmiths, just in case I need to change the locks. :p~~~

    4. Gracie*

      Happy Birthday!! I know how you feel on the half this age part. Sometimes I hesitate to tell people how old I am because it just doesn’t feel right. I feel way younger than 36 so sometimes I have to do the math in my head before I say it out loud and be like “Yeah, I really am 36.”

      1. Merci Dee*

        Heh heh heh … I remember having to do the math on my age at one point. But it was because I was still incubating the kiddo and had a massive case of pregnancy brain. Now, I just can’t remember much as a matter of course. :)

    6. really*

      I know the feeling. There are times I can’t believe that my next birthday will be #62. But my last kiddo is still in college with graduate school still to come.

  74. Grumpy*

    Alison? How’s the Le Creuset working out? Is it worth it? Is there a difference? What have you made? Would you choose differently?
    Please share everything, I’m stuck at work today and would love the distraction.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’ve used it a bunch since getting it a couple of weeks ago! Honestly, I don’t know if there’s a difference, but I’m so pleased to use it each time, so there’s that. It’s heavy, which makes me feel like it’s somehow better (and is giving my arms a work-out).

      I’m mainly using it for things that start on the stove but end up in the oven. I just used it to make this, which is delicious:
      http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2014/09/the-best-slow-cooked-italian-american-tomato-sauce-red-sauce-recipe.html

  75. Anonyby*

    Pies! Did anyone celebrate Pi Day? What did you have?

    My friends and I couldn’t get together on Pi Day itself, so we’re observing it today. I got up early so I could get a mixed berry pie baked before work- I had the filling in the freezer, rolled the crust out and put it in the pan last night, and measured out everything from the crumb topping. All that was left was mixing the crumb topping and assembling the layers this morning and baking it. Pretty much that was the only way I was getting that pie baked before work. lol

    Hopefully I’ll get off work on time today… As long as I do, I can race home and make some experimental mini pies. I’m trying creme egg quiches, just out of pure curiosity. On paper they sound possible–egg custard, chocolate, and liquidy fondant. I’ve never heard of anyone trying it, though. And if they turn out nasty? Well, my friends will be bringing plenty of other pies. lol (Most of us are making at least one pie, if not multiple.)

      1. Anonyby*

        I’m planning on baking them in a muffin tin. It’s what I have that’s the right shape, small enough, and can make enough pies!

      1. Anonyby*

        Pizza pie TOTALLY counts! :D Our definition for “pie” is that it must have at least one starchy crust (either top or bottom), plus some kind of filling, and preferably round. Pizza’s got all that!

    4. Lady Julian*

      Do you have a recipe for the creme egg quiche? I’m curious!!

      I love blueberry pie. I spent six months in Prague once, and there’s a cafe there, the Louvre, that serves a berry tart: a soft shortbread crust, topped with a thick layer of blueberries, and then powdered sugar and vanilla ice cream.

      1. Anonyby*

        I’m just using a muffin tin to hold the pie crusts (a standard pastry crust–used my grandmother’s tried&true recipe). I’m planning on putting a mini creme egg in each, then pouring in a traditional royale filling (2 eggs per cup dairy, plus a pinch of salt). I’ll have to comment later on how it turns out!

        Ooo, that sounds tasty! I used Alton Brown’s frozen blueberry pie as a starting point for the recipe, only I used 1/2 blueberries, 1/4 raspberries, and 1/4 blackberries. Grandma’s pie crust again, and then a crumb topping I got from a Betty Crocker dutch apple pie recipe.

    5. Anonyby*

      For the curious- the creme egg quiches turned out AMAZING. The berry pit was good too.

      I have had a request for more of the quiches for an upcoming party. :D

  76. Sibley*

    I am ridiculously overexcited. I’ve been looking for a house to buy, and yesterday I found the house I want!!!!! I’ll be putting in an offer later today. My realtor has an open house for a few hours this afternoon, so the enforced wait is actually good for me in terms of calming down and thinking rationally.

    I have a list of everything I’m aware of that needs to be done done or questions I have. Covers short and long term, big and small. Just trying to be aware of things so I’m not surprised by them.

    Looking at comps, I think the house is actually underpriced. Given that, might be willing to make an offer at full asking price. I REALLY want this house (pending inspection – built in 1890!).

    1. fposte*

      I bought my house in the middle of a seller’s market. I offered full price the day it went on the market and they accepted, and they got an offer over the asking price the next day. (I had been trained by my realtor so I knew I would have to make an offer on the spot, which was scary for me but worked out okay.)

      Nothing wrong with paying the asking price in the right situation.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, we paid asking price also. We felt it was fair for what we were getting. The owners were so happy they left a few things behind that sweetened the deal.

    2. Violet Strange*

      I also paid asking price, after a slightly lower first offer was refused. At the closing I discovered the seller was only clearing $400 (four hundred dollars) on the asking price. Adore the house and now think it was a steal.

    3. Natalie*

      I paid 10% over listing price – my house was priced far under market. (It became apparent they shouldn’t have used a friend as their realtor, she sucked in more ways than just that.) The city has it valued at exactly what I paid, and typically in my city they value properties below what they could sell for, so I feel comfortable with that decision.

      I won out over another buyer who had bid slightly higher than me because i wrote a nice note about how much I loved the house and neighborhood. I though my realtor was nuts when she suggested that, but who knows.

      Good luck!

    4. Sibley*

      Offer made! Took full asking price and deducted a few things that need to be fixed. Like the massive tree in the front yard that is rotting from the core that needs to come down, and it’ll be around $1500 to take it down… apparently seller had the trees trimmed last summer and they didn’t notice the massive hole in the base of the tree. I’ll be getting someone else to look at the trees.

      Seller has to respond by tomorrow at 7pm. Wish me luck!

  77. MsChanandlerBong*

    I meant to post this yesterday, but I forgot, what with my annoyance with my insurance company clouding my mind. I am SO grateful to this community for the advice you provided last year re: my financial woes. It took seven months for my husband to find a job, but he’s been at that job for almost a year now. We still have a lot of debt to pay off, but we are making progress. We have paid off two personal loans totaling around $2,000 and three small credit cards (around $1,350 total) and started an emergency fund (which we needed to access about a week later when we ran over a screw and had to get two new tires because the screw was in an area of the tire that couldn’t be patched), and we are three payments away from paying off our car. We’ve had it for six years, but it just hit 60K miles, so we plan to drive that sucker for as long as we can. Life is so much better now that I don’t hear the doorbell and think, “I really hope it’s not certified mail from a creditor” anymore.

    1. Rebecca*

      Good for you! I’m glad things are looking up. Yes, it is a good feeling not to dread opening the mailbox or hearing the phone ring.

    2. Observer*

      I’m glad things are looking up.

      Hanging on to a car that runs well and has decent gas mileage can be a huge money saver. Just don’t skimp on the preventative maintenance – it pays for itself.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Yeah, we get awesome gas mileage. We only spend about $60 a month on gasoline, and that is with my husband commuting 40 minutes per day in city traffic, me driving to my volunteer job on Sundays (another 40-minute round trip), and making random trips out to get groceries and do other stuff.

  78. nep*

    So close to getting the super short buzz cut again. Crazy how the utter ‘finality’ of it scares me off. As if … As if … I don’t even know.
    I’m close.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      It’s hair? It will grow?
      It’s okay to decide not to, I think you know that though.

      1. nep*

        Yes — and I’ve been fine with deciding not to, owning that as a decision and not just a failure to take the ‘leap’. (Gawd — even just writing that, it seems utterly ridiculous. It’s. Hair.)
        Thanks

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ahh… I think I am spotting decision fatique here. Sometimes I get to a place in my head where I’ll say “I cannot make one more decision. I can’t do it.”

          When I was working on fixing my house, “what’s for dinner” drew tears to my eyes.

          I do home cooked for the dog. Some nights I would eat butternut squash and fish just like him. Life’s like that sometimes.

    2. nep*

      If nothing else, all the time I’ll save — not thinking about it, and not looking at a gazillion photos of buzz cuts.

  79. New Dog Mama*

    I rescued a sweet, beautiful one year old dog. A neighbor brought him home last summer when he was a puppy and didn’t seem to take very good care of him. It’s likely, from what I saw, that he was abused and neglected. Eventually, the guy left town and left him behind. It was awful, but the neighbors and I took care of him, and eventually I ended up getting to take him home. It was hard at first since I hadn’t been expecting it, but he’s now caught up on his basic vet care and is living a normal life as a well loved indoor dog.

    However, he isn’t neutered yet. I can’t decide if I should use the city’s free services, where they don’t do any pre-surgery blood work or anything and outcomes can vary, or if I should wait until I have what it will cost to get it done at the low cost vet clinic I’ve been taking him to. On the one hand, I don’t want to take any chances when it comes to surgery. On the other hand, the longer I wait, the more he misses out on dog socialization activities like going to the dog park and group obedience classes. And I have to worry that he could escape the yard and contribute to the pet over population problem, which is really bad where I live.

    Dog parents, what are your thoughts? I’ve had dogs before but only a puppy who was spayed at 6 months after we planned for it and a rescue dog who was already neutered.

    1. KR*

      I think socialization is really important so I would err on the side of getting it done as soon as possible. I hate to encourage getting into debt but a lot of clinics do installment plans for puppy care or take credit cards offered specifically for vet care and offer good rates. That could be a good alternative if you’re looking to get it done at a better vet.

      1. New Dog Mama*

        Oh, that’s a good idea! I’ll call around and see if I can find a clinic that offers something like that.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Be sure to mention how you and the neighbors rescued it. The vet might give you a modest discount.

      2. Nicole*

        Some of the low cost clinics will do the blood work for a small fee or you can get it done at the vet but still get the surgery done at the clinic and have peace of mind.

    2. OhBehave*

      If you’ve heard bad things about the city’s services, I would not do this. Stick with the low cost vet clinic.
      I am assuming the procedure would be easier for a male dog? Just a couple of snips? (crossing my legs in sympathy… and I’m a girl!)

    3. bea*

      For a one-year-old otherwise healthy dog the risks for this surgery are pretty low. I assume he’s also a fairly standard-looking dog, not a brachycephalic breed like a pug or french bulldog (which tend to be riskier to anesthetize). A neuter, as long as both testicles have descended, is a very quick and minimally invasive surgery. Of course, the absolute safest thing to do would be to get bloodwork done first, but I would say the risk is low enough that I would probably just get it done at the free clinic if I were you. I’m not a veterinarian but I have worked as a vet tech at private and low-cost clinics, including a free spay/neuter clinic like the one you describe.

      Good for you for taking him in!

      1. New Dog Mama*

        He’s a pitbull-ish mix, like a cross between a pitbull and a part pitbull Heiz 57. He has the standard pitbull wide head and short nose. But he’s very healthy. Glad to hear it’s a low risk surgery. I thought it might be a bigger deal for an adult dog.

        Right now he loves other dogs and wants to play with them all. I want to help him stay that way and not develop any issues.

    4. Crafty*

      We adopted a four year old from the city shelter who was a very late spay — I also highly recommend getting it done as soon as possible. That early socialization is vital (she had none) plus she has a lot of leftover pre-spay behaviors (the humping, for example, so so much humping). Congrats on new pup!!

    5. Rosalind*

      If you have a petsmart they have Banfield hospitals. You can buy a wellness plan for a low monthl yfee, covers all the surgery, vaccinations, and free doctor visits for the year. Just make sure to cancel at the end of the year.

  80. Sara Jean*

    Ok, I’m really late to this thread, but something just happened that kind of has my head spinning. My husband and I just closed on our first house. It’s liveable for the most part, just kind of old/dated, so we’re planning to do some renovations. The sellers are an elderly man and his younger wife. They asked for a 45-day escrow plus a month to rent back after closing, both of which we agreed to. We’re pretty sure they hadn’t bought a new place to live yet, at that point. At the closing last week the house was still basically in the condition it had been in all along – meaning, they don’t seem to be making any moves toward packing up to vacate. But they still had a month to go, so whatever.

    Today we called them because we want to bring our contractor in to evaluate the project, and it did not go well. The wife answered and was very upset because her husband was in the hospital and it appears to be serious. She didn’t want to talk to us, understandably, so we gave our sympathies and said we’d check back later in the week. We feel terrible for them and it’s obviously a bad situation. But – and I hope this doesn’t make me sound like an awful person – I’m now really stressed about whether we’ll be able to move into this house. Our lease is going to be ending and we don’t have anywhere else to go, and we’re moving for grad school which has a fixed start date. If they’re dealing with serious illness, or possibly a death, I’m sure buying a new house and moving is going to be the last thing on their minds. We want to treat them with compassion and respect during such a difficult time, but we also need to move into the house we just bought. We’re really not sure how to navigate this.

    Hopefully he will recover and everything will be fine, but from the tone of that phone call, I’m not optimistic. I feel so terrible for them.

    1. Katie the Fed*

      Do you have a realtor you’ve been working with? You need to let him/her know, ASAP. You’re not a horrible person – this is your house! FWIW, I can’t believe your realtor thought a monthlong rent back was ok. Eep.

      We had a similar situation with the house we bought – the buyer was in total denial because it was a divorce situation. When we went for walkthrough before the closing- 2 HOURS BEFORE CLOSING – he hadn’t moved out. He was frantically trying to pack. I was freaking the heck out – the seller was all “oh, surely you can give me a little time” and I was telling my realtor the sale was off. She ended up telling me I more or less had to go to closing, and we did a 3 day rent back for him to get his crap out of the house. That was a rough three days.

      Anyway, it did all work out, but you need to get your realtor involved now. She can work with their agent to start coming up with a plan. If they’re not out at the end of 30 days then you basically have to evict them and that gets ugly and can take a while.

      1. fposte*

        Hey, I bought a divorce sale too! I saw the dude was bad news in the first five minutes, so I’m not sure why it took the wife so long to figure it out. And that was before he claimed a lot of repairs that didn’t get done and broke the door down on the eve of the closing.

        (I don’t think rentbacks are necessarily a bad plan, as long as the terms are appropriately favorable to the buyer and the financing isn’t affected.)

    2. fposte*

      Oh, wow, that’s a shocker all around. Do you have a real estate attorney working with you? They’ll help you negotiate this.

      If you’re moving for grad school, you’re quite likely to be able to find a sublet if you need to for the summer, so this is actually a comparatively fortunate time to have housing uncertainty.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Can you ask your realtor to deal with them? IMO it wouldn’t be unreasonable to offer to let them stay but only if you up the rent for the rent back so that it covers a hotel or monthly apartment rental for you plus moving expenses for an extra move — all you should have to pay is the mortgage, which is what you would be paying if they didn’t have these issues. I think that should be your negotiating position, that is the alternative to sticking to the contract of sale. You can have compassion for them but still not expect to subsidize their crisis, as you don’t really know them other than buying a house from them. There are millions of people in crises like these in the US, and billions in the world who could use a little help, but we can’t help them all.

      Of course, if you can afford it and they seem reasonable (as in they’re asking rather than demanding to stay, which shows that they recognize that legally and morally it’s not your problem), you can eat some or all of those expenses, but you shouldn’t feel obligated to do so.

    4. Jessesgirl72*

      It doesn’t make you a bad person to want to live in the house you’ve bought, as you are legally entitled to do.

      Either you or your realtor needs to tell them that you can sympathize with their crisis, but that they need to vacate the house on X date as agreed on in the contract.

      If they haven’t found a house to move into, THEY need to find a rental, not you.

  81. Wrench Turner*

    Slow Cooker Sunday: Vegan Cabbage & Potato stew
    Dice up:
    1/2 a nice cabbage
    4ish potatoes, about equal volume to cabbage.
    2 big carrots
    3 good sized pieces of celery
    1 medium onion
    Dump in a slow cooker with:
    1 box of veggie broth (What? I’m lazy.)
    1 cup water
    2 fat tablespoons of minced garlic from the jar with liquid
    1 tsp basil
    1 tsp parsley
    1/2 tsp crushed up rosemary (just rub in fingers to break up a little)
    1/4 tsp smoked paprika (or more, I like more)
    3 tbs olive oil

    I don’t think you don’t need to add salt, the veggie broth will have plenty. If your cooker is big enough, add more potatoes & cabbage. Fill it to the top! This is about all mine could fit.

    Cook 9 hours on low but be warned: YOUR HOUSE WILL SMELL AMAZING ALL DAY OMG

    This is perfectly fine on its own and very tasty on its own, really. I also added a handful of diced ham, some grated parm and a good splash of chipotle hot sauce because I like ham, cheese and hot sauce, and it was even better.

    Serve with a good, light white wine.

    1. fposte*

      I ate at an amazing Burmese restaurant in London years ago, but I’ve never tried cooking Burmese–that blog is seriously enticing.

  83. DanaScully*

    I’m late to the party here and I’m aware I probably won’t get any responses, but does anyone have any experience of taking Mirtazapine (Remeron)? I would be very interested to hear any accounts.

  84. Theo*

    Is it common for insurance company to take forever (months+) to pay a claim?

    I had an impacted wisdom teeth extraction before halloween last year and they still haven’t pay yet?… it’s supposedly under medical insurance….

    my bank account can’t pay it full and I probably won’t stress about this as much if I have a better job with steadier income and hours.

    1. Panda Bandit*

      I’ve never had to wait more than a few weeks to know the outcome of a claim. I think it’s best to call your insurance company and find out what’s going on. In the worst case scenario, which hopefully does not come true, you should still be able to set up a payment plan with the dentist. They know they’re expensive and not everyone can pay all at once.

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