weekend free-for-all – March 25-26, 2017

by Alison Green on March 25, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school. If you have a work question, you can email it to me or post it in the work-related open thread on Fridays.)

Recommendation of the week: Other-Wordly: words both strange and lovely from around the world, by Yee-Lum Mak — in which you will learn words from more than a dozen languages that describe emotions and situations that are hard top capture, such as the Japanese tsundoku (buying books and not reading them; letting them pile up unread on shelves or floors or nightstands”) and the Swedish smultronställe (a “personal idyll free from stress or sadness,” which translates literally as “place of wild strawberries”). If you love language, you’ll love this book.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. A*

    bridesmaid boutiques… are they necessary? (i.e. would it be weird to not have the BMs have them?) Any other options other than flowers for a church wedding?

    1. Cruciatus*

      Do you mean bouquets? I know someone who did button bouquets. The bridesmaids and bride-to-be got together with tons and tons of donated buttons from friends and family and made “bouquets” for the wedding. They will last forever and it did look really cool. Each bouquet matched the colors of the wedding which likely made it a little harder to get the right buttons, but they were a little extra special since they were all worked on together.

      2. Mephyle*

        It sounds like a cool experience making them together, but “lasts forever” is a minus in my book, not a plus. Same thing for silk flowers. It’s a nice keepsake for the first few decades, but after that…

      3. coffeeandpearls*

        I was recently in a wedding that didn’t have them and nobody missed them! We agreed before walking out that we would stand with our hands at our sides, and it was fine!

        1. coffeeandpearls*

          Oh, I just remembered this idea I saw online – Everyone in the wedding party brought their favorite love story as a gift, and then the books became decoration later.

    2. Al Lo*

      I think that bouquets aren’t necessary, but anytime I’ve been a bridesmaid, I’ve appreciated having something to do with my hands. However, I’ve seen alternatives as varied as a “bouquet” made of brooches, carrying a clutch that goes with the dress, and even the whole wedding party holding puppies. Pinterest will have all kinds of ideas if you don’t want to go traditional.

      1. Need to graduate*

        I agree that it is nice to have something to hold to not fiddle with anything absentmindedly, but it doesn’t have to be flowers.

    3. ValaMalDoran*

      I did silk flowers for my wedding. They were gorgeous, cheaper than real flowers, and I picked them up a month before the wedding.

      It’s been almost five years, and I have a bouquet out as decoration. It still looks great.

      1. Becca*

        Yes! A benefit to silk/fake flowers is that you can keep them out in a vase at home. I have a vase that’s pretty much always empty because neither DH or I are flowerly types, but if I had something that wasn’t eventually going to smell to put inside… well that’d be great XD

        1. Kj*

          We handmade flowers out of the pages of a dictionary. They were nice-looking, although I had no bridesmaids, so I have no thoughts on if bridesmaids need bouquets. My bouquet, on the other hand, is displayed nicely on my mantle and looks to last.

      2. Sylvie*

        My friend had silk flowers for her wedding and at first, I was nervous, but they turned out to be gorgeous! I still have my bouquet and it’s been 8 years.

    4. overeducated*

      I did small lanterns with LED lights inside and so did a friend. Cheaper than bouquets and that was a factor for both of us.

    5. FDCA In Canada*

      I gave my maid of honour a bouquet because otherwise she said she would have felt mega awkward standing around with nothing in her hands or walking in with nothing. Check out “non flower bouquets” on Pinterest for a million ideas, or Etsy–I’ve seen really pretty bouquets made out of paper origami flowers, or paper butterflies, or brooches, or candy (!!!), or buttons, or even seashells.

    6. Kali*

      I agree that it helps to have something in your hands. But simple can be really elegant, too. Like a single calla lily. Or a few sunflowers (which won’t break the bank and you can usually purchase at Costco or a grocery store….plus, they’re really hearty and won’t wilt in the heat if your wedding is in the summer). Bunches of baby’s breath can also look really nice, and all of these are easy DIY that won’t drive you nuts.

    7. Lore*

      I was in a wedding where the bride put her pre wedding anxieties to use by folding origami cranes that then became the centerpiece, bridesmaid bouquets, and part of the wedding favors.

    8. Mononymous*

      I gave my bridesmaids cute clutch purses to carry instead. They each had a silk flower on the outside matching the wedding colors, and bonus, they didn’t have to worry about where to keep their stuff on the day. :)

    9. Crafty*

      Not necessary! I did bouttenaires for the whole party regardless of gender — the bridesmaids told me it was nice to not have to keep track of their bouquets and I saved a ton of money that way too.

    10. AbbyToo*

      At my first wedding I made small grapevine wreath with ribbons and freeze dried flowers at the bottom. The bridesmaids then hung them on their walls afterwards.

    11. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

      Definitely not required, although I think it can be nice for the parents’ to have something that sets them apart (it can be corsages/boutonnieres, or it could be a specific accessory).

      There are some variations that can be easy/fun. One friend had cones of thick, handmade paper which had wildflower seeds in it (think of the shape of cones of fries you might get at the fair), and the cones held more wildflower seeds, which folks threw instead of throwing rice. I’ve also seen fans, parasols, lanterns (paper and real metal ones), wreaths, balloons, puppies (!), pinwheels, oversized lollipops, muffs (winter wedding), tambourines and triangles and pots with wood spoons to bang them, singing bowls, hand-held gongs, sparklers, and confetti poppers.

      If you do go with more elaborate flowers, you can check to see if you have a commercial flower market (i.e., the wholesalers who sell flowers to florists) and order through them or through wholesale websites. As long as you’re picking flowers that are in season, this usually brings down the cost of materials… although the expensive part about flowers is usually the labor and creativity that goes into flower design.

      You could also opt for less common bouquets—e.g., a pomander. Or you could change up the material you use to “make” flowers—e.g., dried flowers, broach bouquets (not my fave), origami paper-flower or felt bouquets, succulents, balloons (like balloon animal ones arranged into “flower” shapes), feathers & beads & masquerade masks (kind of like a Mardi Gras themed bouquet),

      1. Natalie*

        We did corsages/boutonnieres for parents and our attendants, and they were really affordable added on to my bouquet. (Which was expensive but I wanted a really nice one because I love flowers.

        Doing your own flowers can be a nice money saver, but I only recommend this if you have someone in your circle with some experience arranging flowers. There’s a bit of an art to how you put them together, for appearances and, more importantly, for them lasting for a day or two until the actual reception.

        Also, it’s time consuming and you will 100% guaranteed have other stuff you need to do. A friend of mine who had worked at a flower shop and my stepmom who practically grew up in one did my table flowers, and a dozen or so arrangements probably took 4 hours from start to finish.

        1. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

          Absolutely agreed, and I want to underscore that no one in the wedding party (including the bride/groom and their immediate family) should be given the task… or really anyone who isn’t already a floral professional or someone with an insane passion for amateur floral design (and some skill at it). It is nearly impossible to attend to all the wedding events and logistics and still have enough time to set it all up.

          I did my bff’s flowers (disclaimer: not a florist, so it likely took me longer than a pro), which included floral arrangements at the rehearsal dinner, as well as her bouquet, corsages and boutonnières, centerpieces, “trim” for all the food/cake tables, etc., at the actual wedding and reception. The only thing I didn’t do was flower arrangements for the seating area for guests during the ceremony (they were married at a park with built in benches that weren’t well-suited for flowers).

          It was substantially cheaper for her and exhausting for me. There’s a significant amount of planning and prep that goes into timing when you buy the flowers, actually buying them, and preserving and storing them. And that doesn’t even include the time spent on transport, set up or arrangement. I think it came out to over 60 hours of work in a 72-hour timespan (not including all the prior research, planning, advance supply ordering, or design). And opting for silk/paper/felt flowers doesn’t necessarily go faster for the assembler; it just changes the distribution of their prep time.

    13. Ella*

      They’re nice in pictures, but I don’t think they’re necessary. You could do nothing and have then just walk, or you could do a single flower, or a candle, or a lantern or pinwheel or something.

    14. Nic*

      I was in a wedding once where the bride and maids went to a really neat shop that had various candelabra, and picked one some that hung three tea lights hung from a stand in glass cups that were the bride’s color. We got some silk flowers and each decorated our own while hanging out, and it was our bridesmaid gift as well as a beautiful addition to the ceremony. I remember the wedding and hanging out making them every time I see it!

  2. Why Don't We Do It in the Code*

    About a year ago I started receiving e-mails to my personal gmail account calling for soccer referees for this weekend’s game in Anytown. They didn’t come in that often and many of them went into spam for some reason, so I ignored them. My gmail address is my first initial and last name so I thought it was just a typo on someone’s part. About two months ago, my inbox exploded with soccer e-mails from university recruitment and soccer camps and other things from around the world—five or six a day or more to my primary inbox.

    I started unsubscribing from each one but they still keep coming in, unrelenting. Some of the e-mails would say, “Claydon, thank you for signing up to receive our mailing and your interest in our camp, blah, blah.”

    My first initial is C but my name is Charlie. Apparently the intended recipient and I have the same last name and the same first initial. So his name would be CBucket and so would mine.

    Our last name is fairly rare and I think we are all related since my professional genealogist cousin says that only one family ever came over, (although we could be 20x removed). I googled his name and he’s a high school soccer player in another state in the same region. He’s 17 according to what I can find and I’m 53.

    With this many specifically-addressed soccer e-mails, normally I might try to track down the intended person and say, “Hey you might have signed up your e-mail wrong.” Like, maybe it’s CBucket @ yahoo or something. But, he’s 17 and it seems creepy for an adult male to be sending high school kids e-mails for any reason.

    What do you think? Continue to unsubscribe and ignore (which hasn’t stopped the flow)? E-mail his coach? Something else?

    1. JoJo*

      I’d email back. That happened to me with a job I applied to. I didn’t get the job and moved on from there. But months later, I was emailed about something from them that was clearly intended for the person they hired. I gave replied back that the message had been sent in error, they apologized, and I never heard from them again.

      So just let them know they have the wrong email, because otherwise they may not pay attention and just keep doing on accident.

      1. Why Don't We Do It in the Code*

        I thought I would do that to e-mails from an actual person. Occasionally there will be a soccer coach’s email link if it’s from a university recruiter or university soccer camp event. But then, I don’t know what the coach would do about it except drop the e-mail from the list.

        But most of them these days are from list-servs, Constant Contact marketing services and so on and many have an unsubscribe link but no other personal contact link. There would be no one to respond to.

        In the back of my head I think these might be kind of important to Claydon and he might be wondering why he’s getting no emails from all the lists he signed up for at that soccer camp last year. Which is why this keeps niggling at me.

        1. SophieChotek*

          If it is constant contact, in theory they shouldn’t have his email address which means he’s putting it in wrong himself (???). (Constant Contact forbids contacting people who haven’t signed up for your emails, etc. I mean I am sure a lot of email programs say that and people do it anyway.)

          I totally get your point and would worry too. (Could his coach have put his email address in wrong?)…hope you find a good solution.

          1. copy run start*

            I haven’t used CC specifically, but most of those services have a way to import/manually add emails. You usually just affirm that the person gave you permission.

            Usually though you sign up through a web form.

          2. Why Don't We Do It in the Code*

            Yes, I think he might be putting it in wrong himself. As fposte mentions he might have signed up with Bucket (which is my address) instead of CMBucket, for example. A co-worker who has two daughters in high school sports said she thinks he might have attended a soccer expo and signed up with various universities, organizations, etc. and the lists get sold/shared or he signed up zealously at every booth.

            (It used to be that mailing lists got sold all the time. In my early twenties we played a practical joke on a friend and signed him up as “Hambone Smith” on one of those pull-out Army recruiting cards in magazines. The Army must have sold the list to a marketing company because he was getting mail addressed to “Hambone Smith” for every imaginable product and service for years. Several years after, he got a baby clothes catalog addressed to Hambone Smith. What?!)

            1. Why Don't We Do It in the Code*

              Typo: he might have signed up with CBucket (which is my address) instead of CMBucket

              1. Gadfly*

                Or he just might assume the email is his, like they are automatically assigned or something. I had a coworker who was getting a lot of email for someone else (a lot of it sensitive info too–bank statements and account bills and such) who said that when she tracked him down.

                Or might just not be that saavy–when my sister-in-law (same 1st initial) was in a car accident, I got all the contact from her insurance company because she put my email down–she couldn’t remember hers so she thought it was probably hers…

            2. EvilQueenRegina*

              My grandad once filled in a market research questionnaire with all this fake joke info and put down this made up 24 year old girlfriend. This fake woman was sold on to lots of companies and junk mail for “Philomena McDougall” kept arriving for about 6 years. Once to see if anyone actually read the info before selling it on, he filled in a form for “Ms S Cooby” (that being Scooby, an inflatable dog belonging to my uncle). The inflatable dog then started getting offered credit cards.

    2. fposte*

      I have that–I hear all about somebody’s crunchy granola knitting and garden activism on the other side of the country. I emailed a couple of times and now just ignore it.

      In this case, I like the emailing his coach idea. Probably he’s CMBucket and left out his M, but since it’s a kid there’s something to be said for looping in a grownup. “Hey, I’ve told them this isn’t the right recipient, but it’s it’s still happening and clearly this young person should be getting this information. I can’t reliably forward it, so maybe you can help him correct his email so he doesn’t miss anything important.”

      1. Why Don't We Do It in the Code*

        I polled the eight people in my department and it was evenly split with half saying e-mail the coach or otherwise try to track this kid down through another adult as there might be some useful e-mails from a college or other program he’s interested in. The other half said unsubscribe and/or ignore, if he were really missing these e-mails, it’s on him to reach out to the programs he’s interested in. (Although, I’m not sure whether I would have had that kind of proactive-ness when I was 17.)

        I kind of feel bad it’s been going on so long but better late than never maybe. I’ll try to reach out to the coach.

        Maybe CMBucket will be a big soccer star someday.

    3. Temperance*

      I regularly receive emails for at least 2 other Temperance Brennans. Unsubscribing hasn’t stopped it, emailing back hasn’t stopped it, but calling and demanding to stop being contacted has. (Full disclosure: I was receiving a lot of contact with a lot of incredibly confidential information relating to children in foster care.)

      I probably wouldn’t bother reaching out to the other you, but that’s just me.

    4. CAA*

      I have been getting emails for “Adnan K******” for over 15 years now. Neither the first nor last names match, and the email address I use is not similar to either of his names. I used to try to unsubscribe, but after a while I just gave up and now I have a rule on my inbox that if either his first or last name is in the to address or the body of the message, move it automatically to the “Adnan Junk” folder. About once a month I glance at it to make sure my stuff isn’t accidentally getting trapped by the rule and then I delete everything.

    5. Kay*

      This started happening to me as well about 2 years ago. I’m guessing my counterpart is a mom of young kids in Louisiana who can’t write out her email address clearly – maybe she uses a middle initial or something? – but I get her medical appointment information, notes from friends, solicitations from charities, you name it. An email every 2-3 weeks. It’s obnoxious. In the beginning, I wrote back to every single one, but now I mark anything from an auto sender (appointment reminders, etc.) as spam and write back only to the personal ones.

      1. many bells down*

        When Gmail was still in beta, I got an account with my full name – and promptly started getting emails from a woman who was convinced I was her daughter-in-law. I got birthday cards for kids I didn’t have, spam forwards of “inspirational” Jesus-y stories, and group emails about “family” events. I emailed her twice to politely tell her she had the wrong address, and she said “oh sorry this used to be her email(?)” but they kept coming.

        So one day I hit reply-all on one of the family event mails and said “I do not know this person, can someone please give her the correct email address?” I got a reply from her about how “rude” I was, and a reply from someone else on the list who had no clue who this woman was either. But they stopped!

    6. nep*

      I recently started getting emails as if to an instagram account holder (I’m not on instagram). I’ve just ignored/deleted them. Anyone gotten similar?

    7. Audiophile*

      I’ve received similar things – most recently, I was receiving online portal information for a patient and their medical bills. I tried calling the number, but they were no help because they couldn’t track down the intended recipient.

      I also received a confirmation email about a furniture order from an Australian company. They were quick to correct the issue, since I said I don’t live in Australia and the purchaser would probably want to know delivery information in the future. The order wasn’t being delivered for a year, must be custom furniture or something.

      Sometimes unsubscribing is helpful and sometimes reaching a human does the trick.

      1. many bells down*

        I’ve gotten health insurance information for a woman with my name in Missouri, and emails from Best Buy for another one in Texas. The Best Buy one was the most confusing; the email it went to doesn’t contain any part of my name so I’m not sure how they messed that one up. Clicked the wrong cell in their Excel sheet I guess.

        1. Audiophile*

          It’s the same thing with the medical portal I keep getting links to, it’s not my email address, but it’s somewhat close. I haven’t received one recently, I think I marked it as spam. She’s in Fl and I’m in NY, so there’s no way we’re the same person.

    8. Cath in Canada*

      There’s someone out there who thinks that my primary Gmail address is the one that she uses to sign up for internet services. I never get any personal mail for her, but I get a lot of “thank you for creating an account” type emails that I just unsubscribe from. Just yesterday I got Pandora and Spotify account notification emails within a couple of minutes of each other. I always assume she’ll figure it out when she doesn’t get her confirmation link email and go back in and correct her info, so I’ve never tried to contact her. One of my other email addresses somehow ended up on the mailing list for a Christian daycare place in Ontario – I did reply to a couple of those messages to let them know that they had the wrong person, because “alt-me” (as my friend calls her equivalent person) was missing what looked like important information. It took them several months to take me off the list though, which was frustrating.

      1. Marcela*

        There is somebody registering to services with my brother’s email. He deletes every single one of them, including one from the Playstation network where the guy had even purchased games. At first I thought he was just mean, until he told me he does not want to be responsible in case something were to happen, and he had access to all the info of these people he does not know, including credit cards.

        1. Tongue Cluckin' Grammarian*

          The same thing happens to me. I unsubscribe and delete the emails my alt person signs up for that end up with me.

      2. Bryce*

        I keep a little file of stuff I’ve gleaned from mis-sent emails. Not the full details, but for example if I get someone’s travel itinerary I note “mailing address and when they’ll be out of town.” It’s rather eye-opening after the years.

        Usually I just send a “wrong address” reply or delete them, but one time I got confirmation # for a couple of not-cheap Broadway tickets. Some google-sleuthing didn’t help me contact the buyers, so I wound up calling the theater so they could make a note of it when the folks turned up without the info they needed.

        1. Bryce*

          I’ve gotten some from people trying to link it to their own email, or “test to see if this works”. I think they just assume Google knows who they are.

        2. Mephyle*

          I don’t know, but there are at least half a dozen people around the world that regularly give my email instead of theirs, not to mention countless random occasionals. Plane tickets, invoices, tax information, bank information, kid’s camps, school information, family gossip, and lots of mailings from shopping sites. I get it all.

        3. many bells down*

          Gmail allows you to put a “.” in the address to distinguish it from one that’s already taken. So if you went to make “dizzysteinway@gmail” and it was already in use, you could use “dizzy.steinway@gmail” instead.

          Only, some email programs don’t recognize the dot and will treat those like identical addresses.

          1. Audiophile*

            Actually I can confirm that the “.” is not a distinguishing characteristic.

            I can type my email (I know my correct address) with or without the dot when signing into gmail. Gmail’s own blog also confirms it is not a recognized character. Link to follow.

            If someone has dizzysteinway, gmail just won’t let you sign up with that address, it will tell you it’s already taken and offer alternatives. These alternatives usually have numbers or the names are inverted, so steinwaydizzy000248954.

          2. Mephyle*

            Yes indeed. My gmail address is mephyle.s (for Mephyle Surname) and I get mail intended for at least half a dozen different Mephyles around the world whose gmail address is mephyles. Except it isn’t, actually, because that address also directs to my gmail account. I should say rather they all seem to think their gmail address is mephyles but it can’t be for all of them because Mephyle Sanchez of Arizona, Mephyle Sanderson of South Africa, Mephyle Scott of the UK, and Mephyle Srivistava of India can’t all have the same Gmail address.

        5. JanetM*

          The same way that someone doesn’t know their phone number. I have, for more than a year now, been getting regular calls and texts (about twice a week, sometimes more) from payday loan places and the like, all for the same name, which is not mine. And the calls hang up before I can get through the whole phase, “Put this number on your do-not-call list,” which means that since I haven’t formally notified them, they don’t have to stop calling me.

          1. Phyllis B*

            Years ago I used to get phone calls from irate parents wanting to know why I failed their kid. I don’t teach school. I tried telling them they had the wrong number, but most didn’t seem to believe me. I was tempted to say, “Because they didn’t study, and this is what they earned!!”

            And yes, I did try to find out more info so I could direct calls to the correct Mrs. B, but could not find anyone in the phone book with the same last name except family members I already knew. (Not many of us in this area.) This was also the days before cell phones. Trying to question parents who called as to full name or school did no good; they would just hang up on me. I was so glad when this teacher retired,

    9. Elizabeth H.*

      If something like this happened to me I would probably go to the ends of the earth trying to locate and get in touch with the intended recipient. I can’t imagine just letting it go! I love tracking people down on the internet. Did you try looking for this kid on Facebook?

    10. amanda_cakr*

      I would start replying back. The coach might have a way to reach the soccer player by phone. If you have a way to email the travel soccer coach, that might help as well. If you have an email for the kid, I would email him. It’s worth a shot. I wouldn’t hesitate to do whatever to get it fixed because I wouldn’t want the kid to miss out on a recruiting opportunity even if he can’t get his email right.

      1. Why Don't We Do It in the Code*

        Elizabeth H and amanda, I didn’t really want to contact this kid directly because I think it would be too shady-optics for an adult male to contact a 17-year old even if it’s something that could be beneficial to him and is coming from a completely benign place. A lot of people have just said e-mail the kid but I tend to overthink things and I try to think of all the possible outcomes and here I am, hemming and hawing!

        I have found his Facebook page and some small-suburb newspaper articles on his high school soccer team. I thought maybe since we have such a rare last name that there might be an “in” or a familial connection but it still could be seen as creepy.

        But contacting his coach only might be the safest option. Presumably the coach has some stake in seeing their student player get into a school with a good soccer program, go to a good soccer camp in Spain or whatever.

        1. amanda_cake*

          Another option would be to call the high school and inform a guidance counselor. Explain you aren’t comfortable contacting the kid yourself, by you wanted him to know so he could get the information. I don’t know if you would be comfortable doing that.

          I understand your hesitation though. My dad used to coach softball and was super careful to have messages go through the team mom and for another person to be around if a parent was late picking up their child so he wasn’t alone with someone’s kid. You just never know what someone might say.

          1. Why Don't We Do It in the Code*

            My coworker who is very involved in her high school-aged daughters sports thought the coach or a guidance counselor would be the best. Thanks amanda_cake.

        2. Aunt Vixen*

          Uncle Vixen understands your hesitation but suggests there doesn’t have to be anything shady-optic about contacting the kid directly if you do so in a way that makes clear you aren’t trying to establish any kind of connection at all. Here’s how that e-mail would look:

          From: CBucket
          To: CMBucket
          Subject: soccer e-mails

          —–
          Claydon,

          I think these were meant to be sent to you.

          best,
          Charlie
          [50,000 attachments]
          —–

          That’s it. Nothing more.

          1. Why Don't We Do It in the Code*

            Thanks Aunt Vixen (and my regards to Uncle). I don’t actually have the kid’s e-mail address (the CMBucket was just a speculation example from another commenter). I probably can find it out, he’s all over social media with his own sports video channel on YouTube, Google plus, Instagram and so on. I saw his Facebook page which was not locked down last month but I can’t find it now.

            I thought it would be the simplest if I was able to just contact Croydon and forward the e-mails to him and make it clear that I’m not trying to have any kind of connection. It wouldn’t stop the e-mails to my account but it would help him. I’ll probably try the soccer coach first.

        3. Elizabeth H.*

          I really think you are overthinking this. There’s absolutely nothing creepy about it. Just try and contact him by whichever means – it’s not like the feds are going to knock down your door the second you email someone under the age of 18.

        4. AcademiaNut*

          I’d actually find it weirder for someone to track down a teenager’s physical real-life location and personal information, and then use those to pass a message.

          I’d send a brief, to the point message. “Over the past year, I have been repeatedly receiving soccer related emails directed to the account CBucket. I think they may be intended for you. Please update your email address when signing up for mailing lists. In the future, I will be deleting all soccer related emails.” And then set up a filter to trash any email that mentions soccer and is not from someone in your address book.

          Or just go to the second step. It’s not like this is information about medical appointments or bank accounts. If he isn’t getting the stuff he signs up for, he can figure it out himself.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      I’d email so he knows that he put the wrong email down somewhere–my son for some reason signed up for the SAT using an email he uses for gaming and it took us a while to figure out why he couldn’t sign in using his family email.

      When my daughter was around 10 and playing soccer they managed to get a letter wrong in the email and all team notices also went to a guy like you on the other side of the country. He pointed it out very kindly, but There Was Already A List and apparently the coach wasn’t about to edit it. So I would find this not at all creepy, and if I were his mom would be glad some kind person volunteered why he wasn’t hearing from contacts when he thought he’d filled out the form.

      (Another anecdote–sent a “So we arrived safely” email from our remote vacation inn to an address one letter off my father’s address, and was very grateful to the person who wrote back explaining that he had no grandchildren and so I probably wanted someone with a similar name.)

    12. Catherine from Canada*

      I have no advice to offer, but I am very glad to read that I’m not the only one receiving emails for other people – as near as I can figure there are three other women in the world who don’t seem to be able to type their email address correctly.
      I get banking information, airline confirmations, once all the info I needed to take two kids to Disneyland, commiserations about marital problems, notices that the location of exams has changed, voting information, almost anything you never really wanted to be tempted with from someone else’s life.
      I usually write back, but never get any response or thanks. The best was the bank account manager in France who informed me that “No, the email address on file was correct.” I still can’t un-Alice in Wonderland myself from that one.

      1. fposte*

        Somebody within our university system kept mistakenly emailing me when an autocomplete went wrong and I had to walk her through deleting me from her address book.

      2. Bryce*

        One I recall vividly was library fees on the other side of the country. That was fun to try and sort out. “No ma’am, I am not the person you’re trying to reach. Yes ma’am I realize that I’d say the same thing if I were just trying to dodge the fees. No ma’am I’ve never even BEEN to Georgia. No ma’am, I don’t know the correct email address because I am not the person on the file.”

    13. Jules the First*

      I have an analogue doppelganger which gets confusing – we have the same (very common) first and last names and birth date, and we apparently (inadvertantly) share a bank, a doctor, and a hairdresser. Our records get crossed all the time, most amusingly/terrifyingly when I changed banks and suddenly became a member of WWF!

  3. Lady Julian*

    It’s raining here today. I have mixed feelings about this, as I need to stay inside & do desk work anyway but rain always depresses my spirits. What about you? Rain or sun?

    1. Sugar of lead*

      I like that in-between when it’s cloudy and there’s maybe a little drizzle or mist but it’s not raining buckets.

    2. Mimmy*

      I’m Team Sun, all the way. Although, I will admit that I get a little annoyed when it is really nice out and I have desk stuff to do because I’m torn between doing desk work and being outside.

    3. Lily Evans*

      My opinions on sun vs rain change with what my plans are for the day and how warm it is. Today I don’t mind the rain because at least it’s not snow! But when I’m stuck home with the rain I like to use it as a backdrop for making my surroundings extra cozy, lighting some candles, plugging in my fairy lights, making a cup of tea, just generally adding to the ambiance so staying in doesn’t seem as dreary!

    4. Sherm*

      I absolutely love the rain and just about everything about it. The sound it makes coming down, the scent in the air, the way it seems to make everyone chill out a little. I live where it doesn’t rain too much, so I realize if I lived in Seattle I might get very much over the rain.

    5. Turtle Candle*

      I like grey skies, mist, and light rain. I also like gentle blue skies. I do not like that high-hot-hard summer blue where the sky feels sharp as diamonds and the sun bears down like Sauron’s eye, and I also do not like heavy rain. Middle ground all the way!

    6. FN2187*

      Sun, definitely. Today is very grey and I feel like just sitting around and watching Netflix.

        1. FN2187*

          Another Rebels fan!? Yes! My friends and I have Food Night and watch Rebels so I have to wait until tomorrow. I hope the finale was good!

          1. Liane*

            We haven’t watched it yet but one of my friends says it is good. We’ll probably see it tonight after my daughter gets off work

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I’m sick of rain and cold but guess what we got today? :P

      It’s dark in here and I will make today be my rest day, so no walkies. I got up early to go to meditation so I might even take a nap. :D

    8. Chickaletta*

      Sun! Or if it rains I love a good thunderstorm. Can’t stand a white, drizzly rain though. I left Seattle over it, I lasted two years and it was sayonara jet city.

      1. Lady Julian*

        Sometimes I think I’d like living in Seattle, with its mountains and outdoorsy, healthy culture and interesting people and food. Then I remember it rains all the time. Nope.

    9. Gracie*

      It all depends on the time of year. In the fall/winter I love cold, rainy days where I can bundle up and eat soup or drink hot chocolate or something like that. In the spring/summer, I love bright sunny days, though I prefer to avoid the heat. I don’t get a lot of rain (usually except for this year) as I live in central CA right now and I get a lot of the sunny days so that probably has a lot to do with my preferences. Grass is greener kinda thing.

    10. Dr. KMnO4*

      Rain! I love the cozy feeling of being inside when it’s raining, I love being outside in the summer when it’s raining, and I love thunderstorms when I’m not home alone at night. I nearly had a chance to move to the Pacific NW and I was quite looking forward to it because of the prospect of all the rain.

    11. Snazzy Hat*

      I love rain, but the temperatures and wind chills the last few days have made the rain positively irritating. When it feels like below-freezing but it’s actually raining instead of snowing? That fries my pan.

  4. JoJo*

    Anyone have tips for exercises they can do while watching TV/reading a book?

    I really want to exercise more but of course, that would mean cutting down on my TV watching and reading time. A friend told me she got a stationary bike and she now uses that whenever she watches TV. I love that idea and may go for the stationary bike. But does anyone have any other ideas.

    1. Anonymousaurus Rex*

      I am huge into audiobooks, which I listen to while I walk/bike ride/work out. Actual reading is hard for me while working out–too much movement! And I can’t stay focused enough on actually working out while watching TV–too much distraction! So I’ve settled on audiobooks. I have an Audible account, but I also check them out electronically from my local library with Overdrive, which is amazing.

    2. fposte*

      Elliptical, treadmill; anything where you’re staying basically vertical and upright.

      I actually do PT and bodyweight stuff during TV sometimes too, so long as it’s not TV where I want to catch every visual moment.

      1. SophieChotek*

        +1. I watch Netflix on my iPad when I walk on the treadmill…and suddenly I’m on it for 45-60 minutes, instead of looking at my watch after 10 minutes.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I want a treadmill! Sometimes I just don’t want to go outside to walk. But I haven’t got any room for one, so asphalt it is. I’d love to watch tv while walking, though!

          1. SophieChotek*

            I actually don’t have one anymore. =( I used my mom’s when I still lived with them. But now that I live on my own I have to walk outside. I wish I had room for a treadmill (and money for a treadmill) too!

    3. Gracie*

      I love the audiobook idea. I listen at work and it would give me something to focus on besides my body being mad at me for making it move. I love getting on the treadmill and watching something. Audio books would mean you didn’t have to remain mostly stationary too

      1. NotoriousMCG*

        I’m a big audiobooks person, but I can’t do them if I’m doing freeweights/stations at the gym because the headphones get in the way and I can’t be blasting my audiobook on the speakers to annoy all the other gym-goers. I like to load up video files of tv series I love on my iPad (so I don’t have to rely on streaming) and prop it up on top of the treadmill or elliptical. If it’s something I get really engaged in, I lose track of time better by having the visual plus the audio

        1. Gracie*

          Have you tried using the wireless bluetooth? They have the ones that fit in your ears pretty well and no wires to annoy you. I love mine.

    4. Mimmy*

      Y’all are going to think I’m crazy, but for Christmas, we got a Simply Fit Board – you place your feet on either side and just twist your lower body. I don’t do it enough to know whether it really is the workout that it claims to be, but I like to do it occasionally when watching TV shows that aren’t super-distracting, such as a boring scene or, like fposte said, with little visual distraction.

      1. JoJo*

        Is that the thing from Shark Tank that also helps with improving balance? I saw an commercial for those and thought that might be worthy the investment. Certainly cheaper than most of these giant pieces of equipment I’ve seen.

        1. Mimmy*

          Yes, that’s the one! I have some minor balance issues, so you’d think I’d use it more…

          2. JoJo*

            Do you know anything about a weight limit on the board? I saw a few reviews saying it broke on people who were over 180 pounds which is right around where j am.

      2. Sylvie*

        I have balance issues, so while it looks interesting, I’m afraid I would fall off the thing!

        1. Phyllis B*

          Me too!!! I could just see me falling and breaking my tailbone again. Believe me, once in a lifetime is enough for that. I gave birth to three children without drugs, and that didn’t hurt as much as that did.

    5. bridget*

      Doesn’t work that well for reading, but I do basic bodyweight exercises while watching tv, like a 60 second plank or wall sit or a set of squats.

    6. FDCA In Canada*

      I love going to the gym expressly because I can get onto the stationary bike and sweat like crazy for a half hour while reading a book on my Kobo, listening to music, and people-watching. It is the perfect distraction. Alternately, I can get onto the elliptical or treadmill and sweat for a while watching TV or listening to an audiobook or podcast. It truly makes the time go by so much faster. I just can’t do the treadmill while reading, though usually I can manage the elliptical if I’m not going too fast.

    8. Kay*

      Stationary bike works pretty well, especially the sitting down ones.

      I’ve recently had great luck with setting the text on my Kindle to HUGE and reading while on the treadmill. I could never focus enough on the words before because I was moving up and down, and have had much better success incorporating exercise regularly since I started using the Kindle with huge text.

      I have had mixed success watching tv while on the treadmill, mostly because I don’t want to stay for as long as an episode is OR I want to stay for longer and my brain frets then about what do I do, leave one half-unwatched, or be on the treadmill for longer (which messes up my promise to myself that it won’t take too much time out of my day) or…? It seems silly but it was legitimately chewing on my brain, so now I just read and I use my tv time for things like folding laundry, which is neverending.

      I have also had luck using various fitness apps like 200 situps and so forth because they either have rest breaks built into them that I use to read OR I can do them while also reading.

      Context: I’m a person who gets anxious even for 30 seconds without something to read and have pretty much memorized the labels on all the bottles in my bathroom out of reading desperation…

    9. Cath in Canada*

      Careful when selecting a stationary bike as some are really loud! I borrowed one from a friend when I was training for a Vancouver to Seattle fundraising ride a few years ago and set it up in the living room so I could train while watching TV, but we couldn’t hear the TV over the bike and had to move it to another room. Mind you it was quite old, so hopefully a newer one would be quieter.

    10. AliceBD*

      I have a Kindle, and I get through cardio by using the elliptical and the Kindle. I make the font one size larger than when I am reading normally. It’s great because I don’t have to worry about turning pages — just use one hand to press the button. A tablet would work as well.

      Also, I tend to read books I really want to read, and don’t allow myself to read except while exercising. This works for all media — if you want to rewatch a TV show for example, you can only do it on the stationary bike.

    11. LadyKelvin*

      Another option is finding a workout designed for your favorite TV show(s). You can usually find them with a simple Google and they will be things like do x every time character does this, for example if you are watching NCIS you might do 5 pushup everything Gibbs hits someone in the back of the head. it’s not quite as passive as riding a bike but in my opinion more interesting.

      2. Mephyle*

        This is the first I’ve heard of multiple shows – what a cool idea.
        I’d only ever heard of the stationary bike Glee workout:
        •Cycle at a moderate speed.
        •Whenever a song comes on, cycle fast for the verses and sprint in the choruses.

    12. Spoonie*

      For tv watching, I’ve started doing kettle bell exercises, mostly kettle bell swings. This is super recent, so I can’t give you tons of advice. I also do some yoga and Pilates mixed in, just things I’m familiar with from my former life dancing.

    13. Jillociraptor*

      I have a mini stepper (it’s like the bottom of an elliptical, kind of?) in my home office and try to do 45 minutes in the morning a few days a week while watching Scandal on my iPad :)

      I also have a set of resistance bands. I don’t use them while watching TV but I suspect you very easily could!

    14. Genevieve Shockley*

      A piece of advice that I personally believe in came from

      The Kitchen Counter Cooking School
      How A Few Simple Lessons Transformed Nine Culinary Novices Into Fearless Home Cooks
      Flinn, Kathleen

      The advice was that you should buy each of your knives separately, rather than in a set. Test the knife you are looking at to make sure that it fits your hand well. Some styles may be crafted in such a way that your hand will feel a sharp edge on the handle that will be uncomfortable after a while.

      Most cooking sites will recommend that you have only 4-5 knives. Like: Chefs knife (the big chopping one), smaller chopping knife, paring knife, (maybe) bread knife. I want another knife that is thin bladed and sort of flexible to use in boning a chicken or a fish.

      If you buy them one at a time, you can buy better quality, and get used to what that knife will do, before you invest in additional knives.

      1. fposte*

        I think this ended up in the wrong thread, but I totally agree anyway. I think it’s easy to overbuy on knives both in number and expense, and for most of us it won’t improve our lives any.

    15. Gadfly*

      We recently got a wonderful little under the desk style elliptical for my husband for pt after a knee injury. It is wonderful–quiet, it has a a great amount of resistance (most of these sorts of ones have so little..) and very smooth. You can sit to use it (you can stand, but only if you are tiny, and the reviews don’t recommend it.)

      If you check Amazon it is the “Stamina In-Motion Elliptical Trainer”

      1. Rena*

        +1! I just got one a few weeks ago and I love it. I use it standing without any trouble and I really enjoy the balance aspect. I’m ~150, but my husband at ~220 had a hard time getting it going while standing.

        1. Gadfly*

          A lot of the reviews (even by some people in the 120 or less range) were saying it has a tendency to break when used standing and none of the sitters had issues–I can’t vouch for that personally of course. But since I’m rather larger than your husband, I’m sticking to using it sitting for myself.

    16. Paige Turner*

      If you already own a bike (not stationary, just a regular one!) you can make it stationary by attaching it to a trainer. Racers use these to warm up or ride indoors when the weather is bad (I think this is similar to what spin classes use but I don’t know much about that). Your local bike shop should sell them and probably also give you more info and possibly try one out with your existing bike.
      You can also get a similar product called rollers, but those require more of a learning curve to use.

  5. e l a*

    I’m going to need to buy some new knives in a few months when my roommate moves out and takes his. I mainly use the Santoku and the chef’s knife, which are both heavy and one solid piece. I’m looking for something similar, but the exact ones don’t seem to be available anymore. Does anyone have suggestions? Opinions on German vs. Japanese steel? Hoping to spend less than $100, I’m willing to start with just a good Santoku and accumulate other knives once I know what I need. And I’m in Canada, if that affects recommendations.

    1. fposte*

      Victorinox Forschner is a really great brand and their price point is very accessible. I’m not sure what you mean by one solid piece–do you mean the whole handle is the same metal as the blade? That seems impractical for a chef’s knife to me, but my hands are pretty touchy.

      1. fposte*

        P.S. Getting a good sharpener and sharpening regimen is huge, too. I like the AccuSharp for monthly buffs and then I use the electric one once a year.

        1. Gene*

          Seconding the Victorinox recommendation.

          And get a steel. I take a few swipes on the steel when the knife comes out of the block. If you don’t have access to a professional sharpener, ask the butchers at your local real supermarket or meat shop is they do sharpening, they usually do it for free. You drop off your knives and they do them at the end of the day when they do theirs, them you pick them up the next day.

          Storage is important, if you keep them in a block, they go in spine down. A wall magnet is good. Never in a drawer.

          1. fposte*

            I do a drawer but they’re in sheaths. I have no counter space and would scythe myself regularly with a wall mount.

          2. Gingerblue*

            Thirding the Victorinox rec. I have a bread knife and a chef’s knife from them and they’re great.

        2. Gracie*

          This is seconded big time. I didn’t even know about sharpening knives (I feel naive lol) until after I moved in with my ex-husband and he sharpened our set. I was like “OMG!! I can cut a tomato! I don’t have to saw and squish it!”

      2. Jessesgirl72*

        It’s not impractical. I sought out the same thing. Otherwise, no matter how high end the brand, eventually the handle comes loose from the knife.

        1. fposte*

          I mean literally impractical as in I couldn’t use a knife with a metal handle to cut anything–it would hurt my hands.

          I’ve had my knives for close to forty years and never had a handle come loose, nor have I heard it happening to anybody else outside of dollar-store type knives. I’d rather have something that fits my hand and buy it again in forty years if I have to :-).

          1. Natalie*

            Yeah, as long as the knife has a full tang rather than a handle that’s just glued on, it’s pretty unlikely the handle will fall off over the years. I’m pretty sure my dad is still using the same chef’s knife he bought in college.

    2. mreasy*

      I love my Global Santoku. I previously had their chef’s knife and loved it as well (was a professional so wore it out & replaced w Santoku). But I agree that Victorinox is a great chef’s knife at a reasonable price point & is used by a lot of pros for that reason. I would recommend trying both Japanese and Western blade styles before committing. If you do most vegetable chopping, you may like Japanese better, but if there are more meat/bone tasks thrown in there, like butchering chickens, a Western blade with its wider edge & heavier overall profile might be best. I’d recommend going to a kitchen store you trust and trying multiple knives. The price point of about $100 should keep them from trying to upsell you into something you don’t need, so at least you should be able to try both styles.

      1. Gene*

        And for chef’s knives, there’s also the choice between French and German profiles. German has a more curved profile, French is more triangular. Neither is better, it’s a matter of personal preference. Do some practice cutting at the kitchen store with each.

    3. SophieChotek*

      I think what is important in knives is that it is forged versus stamped. forged usually means long-lasting and more durable knives that can be sharpened, whereas stamped (often laser cut out of sheets of steel) will be slightly cheaper but tend not to hold up as well.

      Otherwise, after opting for forged knives personally, I would think ergonomically — what sort of handle fits right in your hand? Most like (Wüsthof, J.A. Henckels, Japanese brands, etc.) have different lines that are both forged and stamped and then have different handles. Some handles are shaped differently. Also some handles have more “weight” to them, so different chefs like the weight (or not as much weight) for that too.

      1. SophieChotek*

        Personally I buy all forged Wüsthof, J. A. Henckels. But I have one Japanese knife and one Global. Global ha been getting pretty good reviews lately too. I’d try to go to a knife store and just feel them, etc.

          1. Chocolate Teapot*

            I like WMF knives, and the shop provides a chopping board and selection of vegetables for testing. One cook’s knife was on offer but it was far too big for my hand, so I had to buy the next size down, which was the same price. Still, it is my regular, everyday knife now.

    4. A. D. Kay*

      I agree with the Victorinox and sharpening steel recommendations. I have a sharpening steel embedded with diamond dust, so it both straightens AND sharpens. I treated myself to a Shun santoku recently and love it, but it was about $100 even on sale from Williams Sonoma.

      1. Vancouver Reader*

        Ooh yes! I treated myself to 2 Shun knives and then took a course on how to properly sharpen them with a what’s done. It makes a huge difference using the whetstine, even on my crappy knives.
        I’d suggest going to a cooking store ( if you’re in Vancouver, Gourmet Warehouse it’s great, go see Chef Kris in the knife department) and see what fits in your hand and talk to the experts about the pros and cons European and Japanese knives. With my small hands, I found the Japanese knives easier to hold and better weighted for me.

    5. Jules the First*

      It feels silly to say this, but mine are actually from Ikea – the black handled mid-range set. I have two of the eight inch chef’s knives, plus the bread knife and I find them well-balanced, easy to handle, effective and easy to clean. Plus at about $25/knife, they’re affordable enough that I don’t feel precious about them if someone else is moonlighting in my kitchen.

  6. Sugar of lead*

    I’ve been trying to shake a depressive episode for about a week now. Having nothing to do and no one to do it with isn’t helping. Sleeping all day is a good time-killer but it’s not healthy. Does anyone have suggestions or tips for keeping busy and for depression in general?

    1. kfed*

      Call someone, especially if it’s someone you can tell that you’re feeling this way (I find acknowledging it as temporary helps). Clean something in your home. Read a book. Walk somewhere for a coffee or snack. Personal hygiene – clip your nails, pluck your brows, deep condition your hair, etc. Make lists of things in your life you need to take care of – appointments, grocery list, stuff that’s easy to cross off – and get cracking. Hang in there.

    2. Lily Evans*

      I’ve always found getting out of the house a good way to ground and distract myself. Whether it’s taking a walk to get some fresh air or going to the store or even just driving around aimlessly, I like the reminder that the world is still going on around me. And even when I’m not really up for socializing, just existing around other people is also something that has always felt comforting, like sitting in a cafe or wandering around Target.

    3. Kay*

      I am a pro at making tiny bargains with myself when I am in a depressive episode. What works for me to pull out of them is to just keep one foot in front of the other, and then build on small successes to gradually restore a sense of normalcy and engagement. So I will say: find one thing that needs to go back to its home, and then you can go back to reading. Or: set a timer for 5 minutes and put away dishes. I almost always get into a soothing rhythm and it’s like my brain needs the opt-out to get started.

    4. Augusta Sugarbean*

      A small thing I do when I’m feeling horrible, i.e., on my commute to my terrible, soul-crushing job, is listen to one of Pandora’s comedy stations. This is strictly anecdotal but it really does lighten my mood and help me reset a little. I know exercise the one of the best things you can do for depression but sometimes that feels like too huge of a step. So just little steps. Sit up and listen to some silly comedy first. Then you might feel like a walk outside is within reach. Sending you good thoughts. You can do eeet!

    5. Sunflower*

      Start small. Go for a walk. Just because. Something I’m trying to get in the habit of lately is doing things simply because I want to. Or binge a TV series on Netflix.

      Reading helps about what you’re going through is something that has always helped me. Head to the library and check out a few books that might explain what’s going on.

      And if you’re having trouble shaking it, schedule an appointment with someone if you haven’t already :)

    6. Whoever*

      Ugh, depressive episodes! I’ve dealt with those for more than 10 years by now… it’s frightening.
      I’ve found that there’s plenty of “little things” that can remind me that life is, after all, worthwhile. Tasty food, nice smelling cosmetic oils, a book I really like, beautiful music… neither of them is very much, but all of them help at least a little bit and it adds up. Walking around in sunlight is also rather uplifting. As is turning up the volume for positive, uplifting music and dancing like crazy all by yourself. It’s silly, but it worked for me.

      The worst enemy in my experience is being alone with one’s thoughts – theres a very definite danger to linger on anything negative and spiral further down from there – something that very definitely needs to be prevented. If I find myself entirely engrossed with negative thoughts often my first step us to distract myself – websites with funny pictures and such are pretty good for that, they don’t require a lot of determined focus but keep the mind away from dangerous and/or painful thoughts. I consider them a sort of mental painkillers.
      Once I’ve calmed down mentally the important thing is still distraction. You say that you have “nothing to do” – but is that really true? I’m sure there’s plenty of things, and if it’s only walking through unknown parts of the neighborhood! If you keep your eyes open for amusing/strange little details, that is actually quite a rewarding and uplifting activity. You can also go to museums, go to the local library and leaf through strange books that you find there. Explore! There might also be some social activities available in your area – check the internet for that.

      You will probably find that you lack the motivation and keep thinking that all of that is useless and boring and such. That is normal, for depression. The key is to press and on, even when everything in you screams that this is senseless and useless and really you should just stay home and give up. For me, there’s usually some time between doing these uplifting activities ad actually feeling better. It takes a few days – don’t give up just because the effect isn’t immediate.

      Btw, as others have commented, social interaction is also good, and if it’s just a conversation over the phone.

    7. Dizzy Steinway*

      I find it helps to comfort myself: curl up in a blanket, cuddle my cat, drink hot chocolate, watch favourite TV shows. Really sorry you’re struggling :-(

    9. Mechabear*

      You have my commiseration from another depressed person who is not planning to get dressed or leave the house today. You’re not alone in being alone :) I like to watch cheerful animated movies when things are really bad. Or read a romance novel. Last weekend I watched the Secret Life of Pets, and I can also recommend Home, Penguins of Madagascar, Despicable Me, and Bolt. I wish you the best of luck.

      1. Sugar of lead*

        Thanks for the commiseration. Fresh clothes are for sissies, anyway. And I have loved those penguins for a long time. Zootopia is pretty uplifting too, but not in a saccharine way.

    10. Spoonie*

      I just spent ten minutes sitting on my patio petting my dogs and enjoying the plants I planted two weeks ago. Find something small to enjoy. Take a walk. Fresh laundry. A hot bath.

    11. London Calling*

      I’ve suffered the same way for years- not bone deep depression any more, thank goodness, but days and weeks when I go throught the ‘what’s the point and what have I achieved and I’m a waste of space’ moods, and can highly recommend David Burns ‘Feeling Good,’ which I keep close by me for the bad times – like now, when I’m in between freelance jobs and getting those 3am niggles that no-one wants to employ a 62 year old and I’ll never pay the mortgage off. It does take some work rather than just reading it but I can slowly detect the change in my outlook since I’ve been using it.

      I know CBT isn’t the universal panacea a lot of people say it is and it’s not for everyone, of course, but anything’s got to be better than the soul-sapping moods I used to have and still fight to an extent.

    12. Snazzy Hat*

      If you’re okay with being around people as long as you don’t interact with them, I suggest taking a mosey through a library/bookstore (the bigger, the better), a mall, a superstore like Target, or a craft store. No one will notice or care if you leave without buying anything.

      If you’re not up for leaving the house — and this works better if you don’t want to change out of pajamas — clean a part of the house that doesn’t require much strength or effort. Depending on your living situation, this can range from dusting bookcases to slowly scrubbing the tub & toilet to vacuuming the floors to wiping down the bathroom sink. Check out Unf*ck Your Habitat on Tumblr, Facebook, and the recently-published book. For reference, the tagline is, “You’re better than your mess.” I’m not being dramatic here; this will change your life.

      If you have laundry facilities at home, do some laundry. If you have a dishwasher, fill it and run it. These are genuinely my favourite household tasks because the machine does most of the work while I do something else. It takes a few minutes to sort clothes from a full hamper, another few minutes to start up the washing machine & fill it, and then I can walk away and watch an episode of The Simpsons before even thinking about laundry again.

      Speaking of The Simpsons, to make things less boring when cleaning, maybe throw on a DVD of a comedic show or movie you’ve seen tons of times. If you get overwhelmed by whatever you’re doing, you can stop immediately and jump into the story without being confused by what’s going on. On that same vein, I have a ton of comic strip collections that I will randomly pick up and start reading just for fun. I find that to be a good time-waster.

      And then of course, there’s always reading the Weekend Free-For-All threads here on AAM. ^_^

  7. Gracie*

    Ok so I got a ton of stuff accomplished this week. Picked up all my packing supplied, got my stuff organized to pack (mostly). Bought my dogs new collars and some other stuff. (A ton of work stuff but thats forbidden in this thread) All little stuff but it adds up. And I actually feel like I’m moving forward instead of wallowing and being overwhelmed.

    Anyone else get anything accomplished this week?

    1. TheLazyB*

      Yeah! Months ago i pulled out allllllll the paper and paperwork around the flat for KonMari purposes. I then let it sit there. This week, I’ve actually sorted through it all, got rid of a lot, still have a bit more to go but I’m nearly there. I’m dead impressed with myself.
      Well done Gracie!

      1. Gracie*

        Hey, just getting out of bed can be an accomplishment! I had to work this morning and it took forever for me to talk myself into getting out of bed but when I did I was happy because I got stuff done. Until the system went down lol But then I got a nap and I’ve been doing other stuff… that isn’t the internet… maybe… >.>

    3. Snazzy Hat*

      Shrank my to-do pile of papers by dealing with them, got rid of old irrelevant textbooks & paperbacks, brought almost five pounds of sensitive paper to the store for shredding and had it all shredded for free thanks to a coupon, sent some very important e-mails, and spent nearly three hours at the zoo.

      High-fives all around!

  8. Mimmy*

    I think I’m starting to develop a skin issues where I get areas of scaly, itchy skin, like around my earlobes and on my scalp by the nape of my neck. Now, I have an area around my left nostril that starting giving me grief today, though I’ll concede that it’s probably from leaving my make-up on too long yesterday :/

    Until I get into a routine at my new job, I’m not ready to make any doctor appointments. So, can anyone recommend creams? I do have some prescription cream from my evil poison ivy outbreak last fall, but that obviously wouldn’t be appropriate for my face.

        1. fposte*

          I wouldn’t use it on my face if I had sensitive skin, and if I’d never used it before I’d start with the neck and the earlobes. But I use the stuff on my freaking eyelids. It’s fine.

        2. Sherm*

          I used to be prescribed high-strength cortisone for my face, and it never caused me problems.

      2. Gwen*

        Seconding the eczema. The earlobes/behind the ears and the nape of the neck are exactly where I used to get eczema outbreaks. :(

      3. Myrin*

        Ha, yes! I just wrote in last week’s thread about my doctor’s visit with what sounds like basically the same thing you have (which are indeed eczemas), only mine only itch like twice a year which is why it took me so long to go see a doctor in the first place (because I always forgot they were there). It’s, according to my dermatologist, indeed not recommendable to use cortisone on your face (or at least not near your eyes, where mine are), so you should use hydrocortisone which are specifically for eye/sensitive areas.

        1. Myrin*

          Ah, yes, and the cream I got is called “Ficortril”, but that’s probably not available in the US (or at least, whenever you guys talk about medicine’s names, I never recognise any of them so I’d guess it goes the other way as well). But yeah, it’s just hydrocortisone.

          1. Natalie*

            It looks like the active ingredient is hydrocortisone, which is readily available in the US under a bunch of different brand names.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I get flaky skin behind my earlobes. The solution my doctor recommends is dandruff shampoo. No, really. A quick wash (a dab on your nostril) with Head & Shoulders might be a good place to start.

      1. kfed*

        Yep, I was just about to say the same thing. Medicated dandruff shampoo. That stuff spreads farther than you think.

    3. Sugar of lead*

      Sounds like a kind of dermatitis, which is usually an allergic reaction to something–I’m curious if you’ve started using a new shampoo or conditioner recently. If that’s the case, go with hydrocortisone; it’s a steroid. Your poison ivy cream is probably also a steroid, but I’d go with the over-the-counter stuff. You might also want to try a shampoo containing coal tar. It’s good for things like dandruff and psoriasis. If you’re going to go with moisturizers, make sure they’re fragrance-free, like nivea or lubriderm. I’ve also heard good things about aloe vera for itching.

    4. No, please*

      When I did hair I usually recommended a shampoo with pyrithione (sp?) zinc to clients with eczema and dermatitis. If you wash your hair daily you need to use it at least every-other wash. Avoid hairspray and other products with a lot of alcohol and sulfate. Cetaphil face wash has helped my facial dermatitis immensely.

    5. Jessesgirl72*

      It’s probably seasonal eczema. Get a humidifier for your home- especially your bedroom, and I’ve gone to natural soap. The oatmeal soap if you google “natural mystic soap” is my favorite. Dyes and scents can make it worse. For lotions, try to hydrocortisone, but mostly I stick with good sensitive skin moisturizers mostly.

      1. GirlwithaPearl*

        Egyptian Magic cream. You can get it on amazon and sometimes sephora.

        It has healed every weird sudden skin patch for me and my mom alike!

    7. Nina*

      Sounds like eczema or seborrheic dermatitis. While a cortisone cream can help the itching, don’t use it for weeks on end. Hydrocortisone is a type of steroid and steroid creams can weaken the skin over time.

      Some good OTC shampoos are Head and Shoulders, Nizoral, or Neutrogena T-Gel. When you lather, let it sit for a few minutes to penetrate the scalp. Use mild cleansers and moisturizers for the face, like Cetaphil, or CeraVe. Don’t take long hot showers, keep them short so your skin doesn’t dry out further.

      1. fposte*

        FWIW, while it’s true you shouldn’t use topical steroids for a long time without a doctor’s say so, it usually takes quite a long time with a far more potent steroid than OTC hydrocortisone before damage occurs.

      2. Mimmy*

        I sometimes get keratin hair treatments, and I know you can’t use certain types of shampoos – I think they can’t have sulfur? Anyway, if I decide to get it done again, are these shampoos you suggested okay?

        1. No, please*

          Depending on what’s in those treatments (are they for smoothing?) you could be developing a reaction to that alone. I’d recommend Redken’s scalp therapy shampoo.

    8. Sparkly Librarian*

      I’ve had some recurrent patches of facial eczema for the past 6-8 weeks, and just this week have started using CeraVe cream — to excellent results! It came packaged with the cleanser, which I’ve only used once so far (I rarely use soap/cleaner on my face because my skin is so dry). For everyday my usual products are a cotton terry or microfiber washcloth, coconut oil, and (overnight or for troublesome flaky patches) Eucerin cream. This new stuff wasn’t really responding to those, so I switched to CeraVe.

    9. AcademiaNut*

      The first thing I would try is switching your shampoo and conditioner – you may be reacting to that.

      I’d personally be wary about using corticosteroids on my face without consulting a doctor, but for neck and ears you could ask a pharmacist for advice (where I live, the steroid creams have to be asked for anyways).

      My go-to for patches of very dry skin is Bag Balm (aka cow salve). Don’t use it if you have a wool allergy (it contains lanolin), and it smells weird, but it’s thick and sticky and great if applied after a shower.

    10. Epsilon Delta*

      I have used jojoba oil on my dry skin and psoriasis with great results. For me it works way better than the prescription shampoos for psoriasis and dandruff. I use it on my face and scalp. It can be a little tricky to find in stores (only a few health food stores carry it by me), but you can order it online easily.

    11. JKP*

      I had this same problem a couple years ago. I tried all sorts of creams, even the steroid creams. For months, I couldn’t get it to clear up. Some places would even crack and bleed.

      What worked for me was a good shower filter. I don’t know what was in my water that was affecting me so strongly (maybe the chlorine?), but my skin cleared up within weeks. Also, I had used that water for over 3 years before developing the problem, so I assumed I didn’t have a problem with my water, but I must have maxed out my body’s tolerance and then it couldn’t take any more. The filter was easy to install, it just screwed on the pipe and then the shower faucet screwed onto the filter. I have to change the filter every 6 months, and I can tell when it’s getting close to 6 months, because the skin problem starts to come back and when I check my records, sure enough it’s time to change the filter.

    12. Jessi*

      coconut oil…….

      Will diminish the flake and help protect any broken skin, while keeping as much moisture as possible in the skin

    13. Princess Buttercup*

      It could be psoriasis. I had a red flaky area at the edge of my nostril that wouldn’t go away for a year. I tried everything without luck. When I go the same thing near my eyebrow, I went to a dermatologist who diagnosed it. She prescribed two creams – hydrocortisone and ketoconazole – which I mix in my hand before applying.

      It is a chronic condition, so it never goes away for good. When I have an outbreak, I apply 2x daily for a week or two until it clears up. Then I don’t apply again until I have an outbreak again. Stress is a factor, so when I’m stressed, I have more frequent outbreaks.

    15. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

      Eczema can also be diet related. If you’ve had any changes to your diet lately, you may want to eliminate a few things to see if that helps.

  9. AlwhoisthatAl*

    Exercise: A treadmill is a good idea for watching TV from as you don’t need to hold onto any handlebars. Cheap secondhand as well but a bit noisy.
    Knives: Spend all your money on one knife – the best you can afford. Go to a cookshop and handle them – what fits your hand best. Sabatier are the originals from France and often said to be the best. I have 3 knife sets and loads of other knives but I only really use 2. One is a big wafer thin japanese one I use for meat and the other a Sabatier I use for all others.
    Wrong Email: Send him an annoyed email saying “Oi mate, I’m getting flooded with your emails, sort it out” – better to be thought of as an old curmudgeon than a groomer !
    Sunny – it’s very sunny here today in Derby UK, first day in months. So I’m up in the dark loft sorting books and the boys are firmly planted in darkened rooms playing xboxes and PCs beucase they helped me with the books !

    1. A. D. Kay*

      Just a note about Sabatier: That name is not copyrighted, so you can find awful knockoffs with “Sabatier” stamped on them. I ordered several carbon-steel knives directly from Sabatier K, which is still owned by some members of the original family. The website is sabatier-shop dot com.

  10. EA*

    Hey ya’ll

    I’m in bridesmaid dress hell. My friend had me order a dress from azazie. It was cheap ($109), which I appreciated. I measured, and fit a size 2. The dress came, and it fit everywhere but the chest. Which I would have to be a D cup to fit in. It was comically big. The size chart was seriously off. The dress also felt itchy and cheap. My boyfriend called it atrocious. I sort of expected cheap material due to the price.

    Should I try and alter or just return it? I am leaning toward alterations because the company clearly doesn’t size things as they say they do. I could also get a custom dress, which would be good, except their stated measurements for a size 2 would have fit me perfectly. I called around and the alterations are about the price of the dress.

    1. fposte*

      If you’ve got time and an exchange would be free to you, it wouldn’t hurt to try just in case, but I think there’s usually not that much variation in an individual dress so it may just run big on top. I also think pricey alterations, often on cheap fabric, are unfortunately par for the course with wedding garb.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, it looks like the dresses are made to order. I’d have a conversation with customer service about a return, then, to make sure you could do it in time and to see if you have a shot at a better fit next time.

    2. JoJo*

      My friends and I had to do Azazie as bridesmaids. We all bought the basic size and then did alterations. We liked that option since we didn’t want to spend money we wouldn’t be able to return on the custom dresses done just on measurements. We all felt a lot better doing the alterations in person where we had some say over things. Alterations were far easier than going back and forth with the website, which was a major pain since we had to pick our dresses right when the website was doing a big purge and didn’t have a lot of options.

    3. MsChanandlerBong*

      I have a similar problem. My bridesmaid dress won’t be in until May 20, but two of the other bridesmaids got theirs already, and they texted me today to say that the sizing is all wrong. One person ordered the same size she tried on in the store, which fit her perfectly when she tried it on, but the top of it is way too loose. The other person ordered a size bigger than the one she tried on, yet the dress that she picked up is too tight on her–AND she has lost five pounds since she tried the other dress. David’s does not give refunds, and there’s not enough time to send my dress back and wait for a new one to arrive by the time the wedding rolls around, so I am praying that it fits when I get it.

    4. Amanda2*

      Alterations. Unfortunately it’s the price you have to pay when you’re in someone’s wedding.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Fortunately, my mother-in-law is an amazing seamstress, so my alterations are free. But if the dress arrives and it’s too small, she’s not going to be able to fix it. It would be better if it’s too big on me so she can take it in.

    5. Automotive Engineer*

      I did an azazie custom size dress for a wedding over the summer. I was super pleased with how it turned out. I usually am a nightmare to fit dresses for (size 2 but 32DD) and it fit well right out of the box.

  11. Allypopx*

    I’ve been on SSRI’s for two weeks now (thanks to everybody a couple of open threads back for being so supportive). The ramp up has been rough, but overall my anxiety seems better, and I’ve been told when I’m not swinging through side effects I seem more even. However my depression has gotten much worse. I’ve talked to my doctor and they’ve asked me hang in for awhile, which I’m willing to do if for no other reason I don’t want to go through another impact cycle by tapering down right now.

    So far good days are good, but bad days are a real struggle. I’m hoping it gets easier.

    1. Kay*

      <3 Much love and support to you. It's hard when what you see as the right path isn't as easy as it should be. I've seen many friend go through this cycle and it's really tough, but I have faith that you'll pull through it.

    3. only acting normal*

      An MBCT counsellor told me it is quite common for anxiety and depression to cycle with each other – one increases as the other decreases and back again – before you even out. It’s exactly what happened to me, but I found knowing that it’s a normal cycle helped me to ride it out.
      Also, depending on what side effects you get, changing the time of day you take the SSRIs might help with those in the longer term (assuming your dr says that’s ok).
      Hang in there, it will get better.

      1. Allypopx*

        That’s actually incredibly helpful, thank you. My doctor told me that it’s normal to feel an increase in both at the beginning (though he hoped I wouldn’t) but I haven’t heard it explained like that. That does help me wrap my head around things.

  12. Confused Publisher*

    I started my new job on Monday. My new office is … where Wednesday’s events in London unfolded. Day 3, and we first had a complete lockdown and then an emergency evacuation. I’ve never seen the streets so sombre and London so silent as on that afternoon.
    So many people got in touch to check on me that eventually my parents suggested I post a message on my Facebook profile that I was okay. I did, and received a flood of ‘glad you’re okay’ messages. But a couple of people decided to school me on how I’m should feel, and how the events weren’t particularly scary or destructive enough to warrant the sadness or fighting spirit that was being demonstrated (not just by me), and how they’d seen far worse. I chose not to engage, but in my place, what would you have done? (Please note: this is NOT a discussion of what happened and why it happened. It did. I was an eyewitness. I’m just trying to process these reactions.)

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      I know that exact schooling thing you mean and it’s just not okay for people to do that. I’ve been a bit frustrated by the implication that there’s a right or wrong way to feel. Nobody gets to tell anyone else that. I think people are posting all that ‘we are not afraid’ stuff to try to process it but it’s not okay when that turns into lecturing.

      My friend’s sister died in the 7/7 bombings. Another friend was on one of the trains and survived. My grandma was almost killed by an IRA bomb. To me these things therefore feel very real and personal. I’m mentioning that because I sometimes wonder if the people who lecture are trying to make it feel not personal, somehow?

      I would ignore them completely.

      For the record, I work in London but was off that day (I commute so wasn’t even in the same city). I marked myself safe after several worried messages from my in-laws.

      I don’t think you did anything wrong. Nobody gets to police how someone else feels.

      How are you doing now?

    2. Dizzy Steinway*

      PS I missed that you were an eyewitness. I’m really sorry that anyone thinks lecturing you on how to feel comes anywhere close to the definition of support.

      There isn’t really such a thing as ‘far worse’ because it’s not a competition. Some things don’t belong on a scale or a spectrum and are not for others to judge.

      Social support is really important in coping in the aftermath of traumatic or stressful events. Please don’t let these idiots put you off seeking it.

    3. Mimmy*

      I second Dizzy – I too am starting to dislike suggestions as to how one “should” feel in any given situation (I particularly don’t like grief theories, but that’s another discussion for another day….).

      I think you are right to not engage in the lectures. Don’t even “like” any such comments on your profile. Just because this attack wasn’t as destructive as past attacks doesn’t mean you can’t be somber or say “we will be strong!”. Heck, I’d be feeling all out of sorts too!

      One thing I’ve been taught in therapy is to acknowledge how you feel and not to fight it. Give yourself permission to have the feelings that you do. I find it helps to write out my thoughts or talk to someone to help in processing emotions.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        I’d even go so far as to say that people who argue that vehemently must have feelings of their own that they haven’t processed.

      2. Natalie*

        Hell, I’d just delete those comments if it was me. If people are going to be rude you don’t have to host it on your own FB post, and you don’t have to host any arguments another friend might get into with those folks.

    4. Confused Publisher*

      Thanks, both. I just wasn’t sure after those comments whether I was ‘allowed’ to have feelings to process at all, given I was safe, and for me, it was just two days of convoluted and exhausting journeys to and fro from work in a city whose first reaction was eerie silence.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        You are absolutely allowed to have whatever feelings you may have.

        I had feelings to process after just seeing it on the news. You were there. Whether or not you were safe, whether or not someone else thinks you should feel x, you feel what you feel. Addressing and processing those feelings in whatever way you need to is really important. Bottling them up or denying them won’t magically make them go away. Acknowledging them is healthy.

        If you need someone to talk to, Samaritans are on freephone 116123, available 24/7. There are also some details here of where to seek support including details for a 24/7 Victim Support helpline: https://www.gov.uk/guidance/westminster-attack-march-2017-support-for-people-affected which was set up because you’re absolutely not unreasonable, or alone, in feeling shaken or distressed or like you have something to process.

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        I think the fact that you were practically on top of the event makes it a bit different to say being in a different part of the city and yes, while tragic, isn’t putting you into lock down or traveling near the site in question.

        I work down the river and had no idea what was going on until I looked up and saw a bunch of comms people around one tv screen ( we have many many screens) and someone said “oh, something has happened in Westminster”. I saw the helicopters circling above when I was walking to my train stop after work but it seemed very abstract and something that was happening “somewhere else”. Otherwise it felt like any other day. But I imagine seeing/hearing the events and aftermath would be traumatic and extremely frightening. Those feelings have to come out somehow, and its no one elses business how you choose to process them.

      3. Jo*

        Just ignore them. I’ve found that’s the healthiest way to handle it when someone tries to tell you how you should be feeling, particularly via social media.

        Your feelings are your feelings, and no one else can tell you what you can, should, or will feel. This particularly applies to people who have not experienced what you did — but even if they had experienced it as well, remember that everyone is different and therefore everyone reacts differently.

        I live in a conflict zone where, sadly, things like that do happen periodically and believe me, there is a VAST range of reactions to every incident. Your reactions are your reactions and there is no “right” way to react. Focus on yourself, try to process it as best you can, and allow yourself feel whatever you need to.

        I do suggest talking to someone, though, if you have a good, trustworthy, supportive, non-judgemental person available. Sometimes talking through it helps me process things.

        What’s more, you will most likely have residual effects. For me, I can’t handle loud noises. Fireworks are the worst, because they sound exactly like an attack — I go into full-on panic mode (which for me basically means that I just start shaking, because apparently that is how my body processes fear). Just expect some sort of mental and/or physical response to triggers, whatever that might be for you, and handle each incident as it happens. I’ve been told it does eventually fade over time.

      4. Nic*

        After something like that some people have feelings, some people have none. Those who have them have the whole spectrum….and sometimes it feels like it’s all at the same time!

        You’re not doing anything wrong at all. It’s fantastic that you posted that you were okay, that is something I would HUGELY appreciate if I knew someone who was near something like that. I’ve had family do it just for being in the same town as an incident.

        Take the time you need. Feel what you feel. Be wonderful to yourself.

    5. Triceratops*

      Wow. I’m so sorry you went through that.

      The people leaving those comments telling you and others how to feel (which, of course you’re allowed to be upset/scared/sad, it was horrific and happened right where you were) are completely out of line. I think I would delete or hide the comments, that should be doable on your own page (sorry if this is not what you were asking!)

      1. Huggies*

        Yes, I was going to say if they bother you, please delete the comments so you don’t have to see them anymore.

        No one can tell you how to feel. I was in a lock down once at a school. It turned out to be a drill with local law enforcement sweeping the building, although we didn’t know that at the time. Afterwards I was scared, angry and overwhelmed (you know, because for 90 minutes we were locked down, with police officers all over and I was in charge of a room full of other people’s children without knowing we were actually safe all along). Afterwards, some coworkers told me I had no right to be shaken up as it was “just a drill”. It made me feel terrible, like I was wrong by being upset. But I wasn’t wrong, I had every right to my feelings, and you have every right to yours.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Wow. I hope TPTB got a biggggg lecture on that one. What a huge misstep on their part.

    6. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Sorry you had to go through that. I had a propane factory explode a couple blocks away from me several years ago. Best to just ignore people who try to tell you how you should react. I’ve found anyone who has gone through a similarly life-threatening incident tends to be sympathetic without being judgemental. Anyone telling me how I should react has never experienced anything similar and are verbally fertilizing the roses.

    7. DaniCalifornia*

      I’m so sorry you had to go through that and witness it. :(
      People on Facebook can be mean, or they come off in a way that seems mean. I would delete those comments and just ignore them.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I agree with everybody–no one has the right to tell you how you should feel. I’m sorry you endured that. It was super scary, and I only found out about it after the fact, and I’m 4200 miles away (but have been in that exact area numerous times). I can’t imagine being right there at the time.

      You can feel free to ignore these reactions. The only one you have to process is your own. *hugs and puts the kettle on*

    9. Crafty*

      Yup! How frustrating! I was at the Boston Marathon bombings and experienced folks telling me that my subsequent crowd anxiety wasn’t warranted. Even well-meaning people can be so clueless about telling you how to process your own feelings. Ugh.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Those people are wrong. Ignore, delete, de-friend. As a survivor of a public trauma, (as I am) there is no right way to process the experience. Please take care of yourself first. If you find yourself experiencing elevated or depressed mood issues, feel extra irritated, difficulty sleeping or changes in typical eating, seek professional help.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Aw crap. I am so sorry.

      I suppose that some people can just go about their day/life. I am not one of those people. I am not so sure I want to be, either. Not a slam against these tough upper lift folks, it’s more about being in keeping with my personality.

      There are basically two ways to comfort people, just my opinion of course.

      One way is to tell them they are okay, get back to life. We use this technique with kids and puppies a lot. They are learning what is normal and what should be taken in stride.

      The other way is to go into the upset with them and sit beside the person, figuratively speaking. This starts with some expression of regret: “I am sorry happened to you.” Then moves on to “tell me about what happened”. (Most people absolutely MUST talk it out in some way.) And landing on “how can I help?”

      I tend to use the second method mostly. Rarely do I use the first method. It just does not work that well.
      I remember when my husband passed. Everyone was so sweet, it made me cry, the responses were beautiful. However, one of my older friends said to me “You have been moping around for a month. You need to get over it and go get a new man.”
      Since this person was almost twice my age, I simply said, “Yeah” and wandered off as if distracted by something else. From that day forward I avoided being alone with her.

      There are times where the tough love response is appropriate, usually in extreme crisis where the person is in immediate danger. I have heard stories of people ORDERING another person to make a scary jump from a burning building. “You CAN do this , you WILL make it” and so on. It’s appropriate to take charge when there is a crisis and a person must take action to protect their life.
      Tough love after the fact? Not the best idea.

      My older friend’s response reminded me of what I did actually need. I needed good self care, I needed the warmth of understanding and PATIENT friends and so on.

      My suggestion is to look at some books on grief. What you are talking about here sounds like grief to me. Learn the symptoms, the reasons we grieve and the process of grief. I learned enough to know that my elderly friend was not going to help me move through my grieving stages. All she was going to do is get me off track and involved with some greater discussion with her about HER perspective. Check it out, it’s not MY perspective. Seek people who think similarly to you and seek people who have something comforting to say. Let these tough upper lip people slide to the back for a while.

      1. London Calling*

        Oh I LOVE these people . I had that when I was low one day after my mother died. ‘It’s been three months, you should be over it by now!’ Er no, this is my MOTHER we are talking about. You know, the one I flew 10,000 miles to see after her terminal diagnosis? the one who bust a gut to feed, clothe, educate and house us after our father died when we were kids? the one who was damned difficult to love sometimes but who never left us in doubt that she loved us?

        I did think of asking for a copy of her rules on grieving because clearly my copy had been lost in the post but I went to get a cup of tea instead. So British of me.

        1. London Calling*

          No idea what happened there – forgive me, I’m newly out of lurkdom. That was in answer to Not So New Reader and her comment about being told to get a new man.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            No prob. You’re fine.

            Yeah, some people are just so way off base that there is no point trying to bring the conversation back around.

            My challenge is not to treat these people the same way when their turn comes. My knee jerk says “pay back” and my logic says, “That makes me no different from them.”

    11. Gadfly*

      I was in a near miss of a major accident once (changing a tire, had just moved, a car hit the car we were changing the tire on and slammed it into the guardrail about 9 inches from where I was standing and then a bunch of bs crap afterwards–including that I almost had to walk a mile to get off the freeway since I wasn’t injured/had no ride) and I got the same lectures. Nobody died so it wasn’t THAT bad sorts of things. All while I was processing near death, and watching mom get hurt (still in the car) and the callousness of everything afterwards where I was essentially abandoned right after going through it. It was a big deal to me. I finally realized those people are just jackasses.

      It is the most bullshit, dismissive, disrespectful crap people can pull on you when you are shaken up to give those lectures right after. A few months later, maybe it is time. But right after is cruel. I’d delete/hide those comments if you don’t want to engage and remember that they are full of crap. Alternatively, if you have a few friends who you trust for it, you might mention to them how much those bother you and you don’t feel up to responding. I’ve yelled at people on Facebook on friends’ behalf many times.

      1. Confused Publisher*

        Thank you for all the kind words, everyone, and I’m so sorry so many of you have had such difficult experiences and not felt supported. I’d just ignored the comments until the self-appointed policers started coming back and essentially holding a multi-comment monologue on my post, at which point I deleted the posts and blocked them both. They’re entitled to their opinions: as people have said above, I don’t have to host them, or even see them!

  13. FN2187*

    Have any of you been successful in setting boundaries while living with parents? I am in my mid-20s, and it looks like I will be unable to move out until 2018 at the earliest. My mom talks to me about things that are frankly inappropriate (marriage troubles, etc) and should be discussed with a peer or a professional. It’s very stressful. But I don’t know how to kindly push back on this. Any ideas?

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      Google ‘medium chill’ and ‘grey rock’. They will give you strategies for shutting this down.

    2. Lily Evans*

      For all my boundary setting issues with my mother, I was able to mostly stop her from complaining to me about my dad by reminding her that they’re both my parents and I wouldn’t pick sides and then just shutting down any subsequent conversations. Just a point blank, “I’m not going to talk about that” or a more gentle “I’m going to be Switzerland, here” seems to do the trick.

    3. SophieChotek*

      I have lived with my parents for 5 years after finishing grad school and having lived separately from them while in grad school (in different states) for 8 years. It’s tough and you have my sympathy both on how stressful it can be and also understanding the necessity of doing so.

      If you can talk to your Mom/Dad about boundaries (when you’re both calm, and not during a tense moment) can you just talk about boundaries? What are you both expecting? What do you both want? Are there expectations that your parents (your Mom) has of you that she wouldn’t if you were not living at home, just because even though you are an adult, you are still living with them. (For instance, when I lived at home, my mom expected me to a) clean my own room and keep it reasonably neat, although she relaxed on it over the years, b) I didn’t have a curfew per se, but I did have to tell her if I was going out and generally when I expected to be home otherwise she’d claim she’d never sleep if I didn’t come home, c) if I was going to eat their food, I was expected to eat with them and help with cooking/dishes/cleaning. On some of the more interpersonal relationship stuff — we talked about that and we had to keep talking about it, becuase we’d both resolved to do better, but then backslide, etc. But just trying to work out issues and compromises on appropriate/inappropriate topics or her always asking about my job (job search), friend, etc. and me always clamming up in reaction…we just had to do the best we could and sometimes compromise on stuff.

    4. Canadian Natasha*

      I had to move back in with my parents for a couple years due to health problems (after I’d lived on my own for almost a decade) and I found the book The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner to be indispensable in identifying and getting practical tips on breaking out of those kind of relationship patterns. It doesn’t just deal with anger, but with boundaries and how to maintain close relationships in a healthy way. It really helped me see where I was inadvertently reinforcing the patterns I was wanting to get out of. You might find the chapters on triangulation helpful since it sounds like you are getting dragged in as the unwilling third wheel in your parents’ conflicts. The book is written in a conversational style with personal examples from Dr. Lerner’s practice so it’s not at all dry or hard to read.

      I actually ended up making my mom a fan of the book too and now she tries to get me to lend my copy to her friends. :)

      Fwiw, I think it can be hard to figure out the balance when you and your parent are now both adults. You aren’t a dependent anymore but it’s also not quite a friend relationship. Your mom is probably also trying to find that balance but has gone too far on the oversharing friend side of things. I hope you are able to work out a healthy balance!

    5. FN2187*

      Thank you, all! These are great suggestions. Thankfully, my parents and I cohabitate well — I’m the clean one anymore, and I do most of the cooking. Since moving back to my hometown I have had difficulties meeting new people so I spend most of my time with my mom, which has led to most of the boundary crossing. Thankfully I’ll be starting law school this fall, so I won’t be home near as often as I am now (two hours on the bus daily plus studying). And fingers crossed that I start meeting people soon, too! I need friends my age and so does she.

    7. North Lake*

      My mom does this to me and I don’t live anywhere near her (but we still talk 2-3 times a day…). I’ve had success by simply saying “Yes, but he is my father so this should awkward for me. I’m not talking about it anymore.” Repeat “I’m not discussing this.” as needed. It took a few weeks but it worked. Now she needs occassional reminders.

  14. cookoomara*

    In college, I was a part of a close group of friends. We scattered for jobs for the most part after graduation, but even five years later, we still try to keep in touch and get together whenever possible. Three of the group were living together as roommates– Emily, Alice, and Jane.

    Emily and Alice have been living together consistently since college, and now have a *very* codependant relationship. Emily is rather controlling, and generally decides most of the things that the two do. Alice will push back on anything that she really cares about, but for the most part, lets Emily get her way most of the time. Well, when Jane moved to their city and started to live with them, this became a problem. Jane wasn’t a great roommate (not very clean or organized), and Emily would get very annoyed and yell at her for everything. Jane was frustrated and vented to Alice, knowing that Alice was in a similar situation. Alice didn’t take it well: she felt that Jane didn’t respect her, and thought that she was a mindless follower. Of course, this escalated and Emily and Jane completely fell out over it, and now Jane is moving out and their friendship is over.

    Obviously this is a lot of drama that I hoped we’d be past by this point. I’ve been very clear that I don’t want to be a part of it (I’m moving to the same city in the fall). Jane will be fine, and recognizes that she needs to be a better roommate in the future (she’s working on it now). But I’m a little concerned about Emily and Alice. 1) I think that Emily has some serious anger and control issues and needs to work on them. It’s affecting her friendships and her career. 2) I think that Emily and Alice’s relationship can be somewhat emotionally abusive, and I’m worried for Alice– she’s shifted a lot of her behaviors to match Emily’s expectations. Is there anything that I can do as a supportive friend?

    1. fposte*

      I think it’s pretty common for roommates to become more similar, so I wouldn’t worry a ton about that on its own. If Emily is inappropriately angry in front of you, I think it’s good to say “Dude, that’s not proportionate, and it’s not an okay reaction. What’s up with that?” I also think it’s okay to say to Alice on her own, “I think Emily was out of line there, and my impression is that it isn’t uncommon for her to yell at you like that. I’m Emily’s friend too, but I think it can be hard to live with that kind of anger, and I hope you know it’s not something you have to live with and that you don’t deserve that.”

      But you also move toward letting it go. Those are things you can say once, maybe twice, and then if Emily can’t control herself even in front of you maybe you start seeing Alice on her own.

  15. Gwen*

    Major kitchen renovation. Yay or nay?

    My husband and I just bought a home with a kitchen that is dated, but functional. It’s a small-ish galley kitchen and by knocking down the wall separating it from the main living area we could have a bigger kitchen with the open floorplan that’s so desirable these days. It would really be lovely – it would add so much light to the main living area. I’m also pretty confident it would help a lot when we go to sell it, which could be as soon as 4-5 years from now depending on how our careers are going.

    But – there’s always a but – we met with a few contractors this week and it turns out the wall is load-bearing, which is going to make it way more expensive to remove when you factor in hiring an engineer, getting appropriate permits, and adding columns or engineered beams to support the ceiling. Also factoring in new countertops, repainting the cabinets, relocating two appliances, etc. it’s looking like it will cost a minimum of $45k, probably more. I’m feeling really nervous about taking on more debt to do this seeing as we just got a mortgage as well.

    Unfortunately it’s not a project that lends itself to being done later since we still have 2.5 months on our existing lease, which would give the contractor a good head start to get the bulk of the work done before we move (and we have young kids so I reaaaally don’t want to live there during a major renovation). So we have to decide pretty soon whether to a) just go for it and knock down the wall and redo the kitchen or b) leave the wall in place but update the existing layout, which would save a lot of money but strikes me as the lipstick-on-a-pig approach. The next buyers are just going to come in and think, “Ok, it’s an updated kitchen, but that wall needs to go.”

    Help?

    1. WellRed*

      The renovation is a want vs a need so i would be hesitant about financing a want with debt. Especially if you may sell in 4 or 5 years.

      1. Gwen*

        Thanks! I actually see it more as an investment than a want – I could live there happily with it as-is. Of course, it would be nice for us too, but based on the comparable houses we looked at I think it would make a significant difference when we go to sell it.

        1. Natalie*

          As a general rule, I wouldn’t do a house project of this magnitude solely as an investment. It seems to me that people rarely get any kind of decent return on it when they sell, and you never know what’s going to happen in the housing market.

          1. Zis*

            The return you get on a kitchen renovation will depend on local market conditions, the type of renovation that’s done, and the quality that goes into it. However, the 2013 NAR Buyer Profile Report found that having an eat-in kitchen was one of the most desirable features in a new home. About 89% of buyers thought it was important.

            However, and this is important if you see it as an investment, the most recent research (2015) showed that most remodelers end up underwater on kitchen renos; one of the few projects that actually increased home value by more than the amount invested was putting in a new roof.

            Doing a kitchen reno or even a slight upgrade is about making the resident happy, more than as an investment. 90% of buyers are much happier after they do a full renovation, even if they don’t recoup the investment.

    2. blackcat*

      What is the overall price of the house? I wouldn’t put 45k into a kitchen in a 300k house, but I probably would on a house worth twice as much (basically, I can’t see spending more than 10% of the purchase price of the house).

      Would spending that money mean that you don’t have any available for other things that go wrong? Since buying my house 3 years ago, I’ve had to replace a hot water heater, a stove, a sill plate, and have three trees removed (one fell and landed on the house doing a bit of damage, so insurance took care of most of that one, including debris removal, but then told us we had to get rid of the other trees or they would drop us). All in all, over 15k of “Well, that was unexpected!” It’s important to have a financial cushion, just in case.

      And, for what it’s worth, I have an updated kitchen with an unfortunately located wall. I have chosen to cope (it would be a similar price for us to deal with, for similar reasons). But I my area is also a sellers market, and has only become more so since we bought (things go on the market and are under contract mostly in under a week in my neighborhood). So if we sell in a couple of years, we don’t expect to have a problem, flaws and all. My calculation would be different if I thought our house would be harder to sell.

      1. Gwen*

        Thank you for your advice! We bought the house for close to 700k. However, it sat on the market for nearly a year before it sold. It’s in a great school district and a nice neighborhood. However, it’s an older home and hasn’t really been updated over the years, and there were issues with upkeep outside the house (overgrown yard, rotting decks, junk piled up in the backyard, etc.) that were offputting to buyers. We’ve had it inspected and the house itself is actually in good shape but will need some less fun work like a new furnace in the next few years. So, we’re budgeting for that too, plus a cushion.

        Personally, I could live with the kitchen as is and be fine with it. However, my husband really wants it updated and I think it would help significantly with resale value. It makes me nervous that it sat on the market so long. Maybe I’ll chat with our realtor to get her perspective.

        1. fposte*

          Definitely talk to your realtor, because what’s affecting sales in your area can be very specific sometimes. I will say I’m seeing some backlash to the open kitchen popularity, so I would want to be clear-eyed about resale advantage here–would you still want to do it if that wasn’t why it hung on the market and it wouldn’t add that much in resale?

          1. Gwen*

            That’s a really good question to ask. I think my answer would be no.

            I’ll follow up with my realtor – thanks!

          2. Gala apple*

            Fposte, where have you been seeing the move away from open-concept kitchens? I haven’t watched HGTV in a while so don’t know what I’m missing.

        2. NotoriousMCG*

          I just bought my second house in three years (Michigan was NOT for us) and the first house taught us a lot about really smart renovations. We were in a small city, so we bought worst house/best block in one of the best neighborhoods for 72k. The whole house needed work, but we had a similar dilemma with the galley kitchen/awkward layout. We were renovating everywhere (finished the basement, lots of yard work, painting bedrooms, updating bathroom, installing baseboards) and at the end of the day blasting out the wall in the kitchen to open it into the already huge and open living/dining room wasn’t worth it to us. We got new appliances from the Sears Outlet store and left it at that. The house later sold for 100k. If we had updated the kitchen, I think we may have priced out our buyers which would have prolonged the selling process (we sold in a day). So take a hard look at what functionality it adds, what value it adds, and what the people who purchase homes in your neighborhood are looking for.

          1. NotoriousMCG*

            Also, any design/material choices you make should stick to the classics if you plan to sell within 4-5 years. White cabinets and dark countertops with an understated backsplash will never go out of style.

          2. Gwen*

            Oh, those home prices are making we drool. Sadly we live in Expenseifornia.

            Thanks for your insight!

            1. NotoriousMCG*

              Ha! I miss them myself. House #2 is also a bit of a project but now that we’re in Larger Midwestern City it was $100k more for a comparable house

        3. blackcat*

          If it sat on the market for a year, I’d lean towards updating without removing the wall. I’d also explore middle ground options–can you punch a hole in the wall for one of those “window” looks for an extra 5k? (I’m thinking an engineering consult, but cutting the hole so it avoids the beams)

    3. Felix Hewison-Carter*

      What about putting a kitchen in the room you’d knock through to, and using the galley space as a utility/scullery/laundry?

    4. JHS*

      So we were in a similar situation. We bought our house and it was very dated and, in our view, the bathrooms were fairly gross (they were all original). Our kitchen was just sort of builder-grade crappy–not unlivable though. We ended up completely renovating our entire house (kitchen plus three bathrooms). We had the same issue with the kitchen–should we wait? But same idea, we still had our lease so we just decided to go for it. I LOVE MY HOUSE now. I think there is a lot of worrying about resale value and how much you can get back, but some of that money will be purely in the joy of living in a house you love. We ended up spending a lot more than we anticipated given how much we did (and my taste in expensive things like marble), but in the end, my husband and I are really happy we did it.

      I do think it’s important to note that we didn’t take on debt to do it though, we had savings that we were able to put into the house. I also will caveat by saying that you should keep in mind that there are ALWAYS house expenses unrelated to cosmetics that you should have backup savings for and I wouldn’t use the backup money on redoing a kitchen that doesn’t necessarily need redoing. For example, the week after we closed, our furnace broke and we had to spend $1k fixing it. In the course of the first year of ownership, we had to replace a heating pipe ($500) and replace a part of our well (another $500). Our furnace is actually cracked and we will need to replace that for next winter at a cost of around $5k and we’re worried about having to replace the air conditioner condenser.

      If you have any questions about renovating, I am happy to answer any questions. I feel like a tile, paint, stone, appliance, you name it expert now that we’ve been through our reno :)

    5. SophieChotek*

      My parents are trying to sell their house right now and did a lot of renovations thinking it would help them sell it…and the fact is, it isn’t. Her realtor said that a lot of people (who have never done any renovations in their lives) are glad its an up-to-date kitchen (they completely re-did the kitchen – cupboards, custom-built drawers, new tile backsplashes, new ‘fridge, new lights, stuff like that) — but for potential buyers who see it — they are glad it’s up-to-date so they won’t have to, but they won’t understand that it adds an extra $45k (or whatever) value to the house. They just see the house as over-priced now. So while I do agree that generally something more up-to-date makes a house more attractive, at a point you can lose money too. If it’s not a need and you dont’ care, I’d consider not doing it and being okay with maybe getting a little less when you sell it. I mean – the clients might want to pay less becuase they think “oh we need that money to redo the kitchen” but it’s unlikely they’re going to knock $45 k off their offer – because so many people have no idea how much everything costs until they start getting bids, and then they realize they want the high-end stove, or the only tile they like is the most expensive, or they find out…the house was not build to code, so now they have to spend an extra X to fix that too now that it’s been discovered.

      1. blackcat*

        +1 to this

        When I bought my house, it had a pretty up to date kitchen (the previous owners did it like 5 years before), and an up to date bath (done like 2 years before) and a super old looking bathroom. The one old looking one is perfectly functional. If we had kids and it was going to get a lot of use, I might redo it. But we don’t, it’s fine, and we’ll probably sell in the next 2-5 years, and leave it as-is for the next family to redo as they see fit.

        But if it had been redone and made the house worth an extra 5-10k? That would have pushed it from at the top of our budget to outside our budget.

        The only renovations I see mattering are making sure it’s up to code before selling. For example, my parents just put in new, bigger windows in what used to be mine and my brother’s rooms. The windows were up to high to count as a means of egress in modern code, so they couldn’t legally list them as “bedrooms” where they live. (In their town, only “historic” homes count for grandfather clauses. Cookie cutter homes built in the 70s do not…). Being able to list it as a 3 bedroom instead of a 1 bedroom is really easily worth the 15k they spent doing that renovation (the price was so high b/c they discovered termite damage once the walls were open. That, and an actual rats’ nest, filled with baby rats).

      2. Gwen*

        Thanks, that’s really helpful to hear. To be honest, we saw it too when going through the buying process. A house we loved was way overpriced because they had put $30k into installing all-new windows throughout the entire house and they wanted to recoup that money. But looking at comparable houses in the area, which had windows that were fine (maybe not as fancy? I don’t know, they looked the same to the untrained eye) the pricing seemed out-of-touch and we (and many others) didn’t bother making an offer.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I’m not in the market for a house and have never bought one, but when I was considering buying the house I’m currently renting, one thing that struck me SO HARD is that even if you put in tons of renovations, they don’t necessarily raise the price of the house as high as you might think. It was a revelation to me. Our landlord did $90k of renovations in this house, but he thinks it means the house is now worth 150% of what he paid for it, and… it’s not. It still needs all new windows, fixes to the insulation, and all new exterior and interior doors. I would have made him an offer that would have been $120k over his purchase price, but he wanted way over that, so… no. The housing market is so finicky, and I learned it is definitely not a zero-sum game.

          1. Dan*

            Yup… as a parallel, my ex bought a used car. KBB on the thing was $4k. The next month, we brought it in for state inspection, and needed $1k worth of repairs to pass. Does that mean the car is now worth $5k? Nope. Does that mean it was only worth $3k when we bought it? Probably not that either.

            Realistically, prices aren’t set just by the seller, they’re set by “the market”, which is a combination of both buyers and sellers.

            On the whole, markets are really interested. I’ve been renting the same place for several years, and my rent on average goes up about 4.5% per year. The area I live in is undergoing massive redevelopment — the transit system is adding an entire heavy rail line, which they are building in two phases. Phase I is open, and i live near the terminus. Phase II is under construction.

            You’d think that the transit system would “cause” rents to go up significantly, but they haven’t. Furthermore, the transit line is attracting a *lot* of new construction, creating a big increase in supply.

            Point being, markets are unpredictable and trying to guess and time them is usually a losing proposition.

        2. AcademiaNut*

          Another issue is that renovations may cost more and take longer than you expect at first. So if it’s 60K instead of 45, would it be worth it? Or if you don’t increase the sale price, but it merely sells faster at much less what the renovations cost you?

          I’d lean towards not doing major renovations when the primary motivation is to increase the selling price, for reasons that other people have expressed well. If you were planning on living there for 30 years, and would get the full benefit of using the kitchen, it might be worth it. Plus, when you sell, there will be other potential buyers who will look at it and say “Oh, we can knock out this wall” without realizing how much it will actually cost, the way you did.

          It also sounds like there’s a bunch of stuff that you can do that will make the house more attractive at much lower cost, and direct benefit to you.

        3. NotoriousMCG*

          Actually, new windows is a thing I *specifically* look for when house hunting. Those plus updated mechanicals, roof, electrical, and insulation are all pricey things that aren’t splashy and so are a pain to have to do yourself but do add a good amount of value. For instance, our new house is in a lovely historic neighborhood, but unfortunately at some point in the century since it was built, they built the airport nearby. Now since we’re a hub for UPS, there’s plane traffic all the time. But since the previous owner replaced all the windows (most of them cutom! One is humongous! At least 6’x10′!) and shot new insulation in all the walls, we can’t hear a thing when the planes pass by.

    6. LCL*

      Forget about resale value and the next buyer. Is it worth 45K to you to make those changes? For me, the answer is no way in hell never, you can buy a lot of good lighting fixtures for a lot less.

      1. Clever Name*

        This. We recently spent a tidy sum to completely redo our master bath, and we love it. The original bath was 25 years old and beyond its useful life. Tiles were broken and we discovered carpenter ants during construction. Frankly, the house and neighborhood had outgrown the builder grade laminate and linoleum, and the bathroom needed to be upgraded. We didn’t redo the bathroom because we thought it would make us money. We did it because we wanted a new bathroom.

    7. Dan*

      Realistically, you should be doing these things because *you* (and your husband) feel they are worth the value to yourselves. Otherwise, you’re taking a guess at what the market will value 5 or 10 years in the future. That’s not an investment, that’s a gamble.

      Given the amount of money on the line, I think the answer is, “If you have to ask…” Realistically, you just bought something and are now trying to guess what other people are going to want and what they’re willing to pay 5 to 10 years down the road?

      Make the decisions that are right for you right now. If you can afford it and you want to do it, do it. If you can’t afford it, then don’t. Don’t try and guess at that the market will do down the road. What happens if you take out the debt and values only track inflation over the next decade? Now you put $50k+interest in your house, and got no financial return for it. For that matter, what happens if we get another dip in the market?

      1. really*

        +1 Especially because you don’t know what the market will be in 5 years. I personally don’t like the wide open floor plans.

      2. Sutemi*

        If you sell in 5 years, you won’t be selling a house with a new kitchen. You will be selling a house with a 5 year old kitchen – fairly updated but a bit of wear and tear. You don’t know if your colors and choices will appeal to the buyer.

        Do it because you want it and can afford it, not for some future potential someday buyer.

    8. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Many years ago we lived in a small house and decided to upgrade. As in raise the roof and add a second story. Ended up being cheaper to raise the entire house and put in a basement. Gutted the entire interior and discovered the plans had to be changed as the main load bearing beam ran side to side rather than front to back. Doing things the way we wanted would have required building an entirely new house. So we changed plans and forged on. Ended up living there for 32 years before moving away to another town.

    9. Jen*

      I’m in expensiveachusetts in a house we paid $740k for that has an ugly kitchen. We’re ripping off the band-aid and fixing it. $45k sounds *cheap* to me for a kitchen gut/Reno that includes beams. Ours is over that and we aren’t moving load bearing walls.
      If this is truely a 4 year house then do nothing. But 4 years can easily turn into 7 and now you’re in a house with a kitchen you hate for 7 years.

      Of course, if you can’t afford it the answer is a Hard No. Assume you’ll get back 1/3 to 1/2 the 45k in resale (asking a realtor is the right way to go) and make the decision based on that.

      1. Bibliovore*

        okay. this sounds like us. In our old apartment, I always hated the kitchen. Only one burner worked and the oven not at all. The dishwasher was broken. We spent a huge amount on- maybe 30,000 on the renovation and I loved loved loved it. We only lived there 4 years after that. The housing market was increasing so we did get our money back.

        Now. 30 year old kitchen. Appliances failing one after the other. Just replaced the fridge. The oven won’t broil. The dishwasher works half the time.
        The contractor came in. He suggested taking down a wall etc.
        What we are going to do since we probably have 5 more years here.
        New floor.
        New Counter tops.
        Frame the old cabinets in a complementary wood.
        Rework the builtin desk into a window seat.
        New appliances.
        New lighting.
        That is it.

    10. Jen Erik*

      I was listening to some mums discuss that this week, because two of the group are doing their kitchens at the moment (though only one involves a load-bearing wall.)
      One of the things that came up was that sometimes people put off the big renovations, because time, money and small children underfoot, but by the time they have ample time and money the children have left, and it feels a bit unnecessary.
      If you’re sure you’ll be moving in 5 years, that’s irrelevant, but if there’s a chance you might stay, it’s worth considering how the house would work with teenagers. (The mum who is removing the wall has kids aged 6 – 11, and that was a big factor in her decision: she wants the extra space so their friends can forgather at hers.)

      1. Kate*

        I am SO glad to hear you say that!

        We are doing our basement right now (i’d say redoing, but it was an empty shell) and we have a toddler. It is costing a fortune, money we don’t have a lot of on hand because of daycare, and it’s hard having construction AND screaming toddler at the same time.

        That said, it’s going to increase there usable size of our house by a third (we have a tiny house) and add a bathroom.

        I just keep hoping it’s worth it…

        1. NotoriousMCG*

          Bathrooms add SO MUCH value. Especially if it’s adding one instead of simply updating one!

    11. Kj*

      I’d live with it for a while. The problem with doing renovations right away is you don’t know how you’ll want to use that kitchen. Some stuff you might not think is a problem is a MAJOR problem and vis-versa. I’d wait and see what works and what does not. My rule for homes is “move in and then decide.” Our home’s kitchen is dated to a silly degree, but the only things I’ve done have been super-cheap fixes- peel and stick vinyl tile over the other hideous vinyl and new hardware on the cabinets. After cooking in the kitchen for about a year, I have ideas about what I’d like and I’m collecting ideas on a Pinterest board that allows me to think carefully about what I like, want and need. Husband and I thought about tons of renos before we moved in, but ended not doing them. I am happy about that as we have had more cash for the unexpected needs and desires. We needed new heat the month we moved in- the heating system was expensive to run. We also discovered all kinds of things we wanted- mostly furniture and outdoors stuff- and it was nice not to have to put off getting a patio set when we wanted to be siting outside.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      So much good advice here.

      I think it’s really important to renovate to suit YOU and not some mythical buyer years from now. Whatever you do they will rip it out and start over.

      Your realtor should know the ROI (return on investment) on almost anything. Two examples. When I worked in a nursery we told people not to spend more than 5% of their home’s value on landscape. They would not get their additional money back. Next example. I was trying to sell my father’s house. It was unfinished. The realtor said “Put the stairs in to go up to the second floor. It will cost about $500 to do it and you will get $5000 more for your purchase price.”

      Next. If you cannot get your husband to let go of the remodel, then try,try, try to get him to agree to wait a year so you can see what your costs are to live there and what else needs to be done that maybe more pressing. Then keep VERY good records of what you are spending for everything that first year. You can also tell him that once you guys live in the house then you will know what it is that your realllly want, right now any remodel will just be a guess by both of you.

    13. Observer*

      Don’t be so sure that everyone wants an open kitchen – dining room. A lot of people don’t.

      Personally, I see the advantages, but I still much prefer to have the kitchen actually separate from the dining room.

    14. Colette*

      One thing no one is mentioned is that kids grow, so if you end up staying and want to do the renovation in 5 years, it won’t be a pain in the same way it would be now. Waiting is an option – and once you’ve lived there for a while, you will have a better idea of what the pain points are so that you can make sure the new kitchen doesn’t make the same mistakes.

    15. Zis*

      Having recently built a house with my family where we put in a load-bearing wall into the kitchen/dining room to save costs, opening up would be well worth it for the aesthetic value alone. We did almost everything besides the framing, drywall hanging, and licensed trades: pouring the concrete foundation, doing the interior design, installing the cabinets, installing flooring (travertine), installing the counters (granite), and building the island. If you and your hubbie can do some of the easier stuff, like flooring (especially if you go for engineered hardwood that’s easy to install), your renovation costs can go down dramatically.

      However, if you’re doing this on debt, I’d say hold off. It’s not a “good” investment; you will only recover, on average, 2/3rds of the cost of the work. It’s an emotional investment for you, as the buyer. 90% of people who do a full kitchen remodel, and 82% of those who do just an upgrade, are much happier at home after doing it and feel more accomplished for having finished the project. You might also be underestimating the cost of the remodel, though of course that depends on your local market conditions, but the average complete remodel cost $60k in 2015, which recouped $40k based on market comparables. However, that is $40k more than you would get without the remodel, and you would be much happier after doing it.

      A partial upgrade might be better, especially if you do it in stages. Just upgrade the things on the wall that would remain, cabinets for example, and then a few months or years down the line replace the load-bearing wall and everything on that side. The typical upgrade costs $30k, and recoups $20k, which is why the majority of Realtors will recommend it as a small investment that can bring better returns, as opposed to the small minority (12%) who would recommend a full kitchen reno.

      TL;DR: It’s not a great monetary investment, but it is a great investment if you want to feel at home. Maybe tackle the project in stages rather than all at once if you’re worried about taking on such a large amount of debt, or see if you can do some of the upgrades with just you and your husband to save costs.

    16. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

      I’d look into other ways to open the wall without knocking it down. Can you put two posts in to anchor an island and open the interior? Posts can be decorated really easily – vertical herb gardens or just beautiful woodwork.

    1. Annie Mouse*

      Oh dear. First this site lead me to Dilbert comics online and now a new one that looks pretty good. I know what I’ll be reading next!!

  17. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I am finally growing something– a sourdough starter! And it’s WORKING. I think I’m at the point where I can start using it for a recipe, and I am inordinately excited. I even named the damn thing (after a local lab that studies microbiomes and yeasts). I feel so accomplished.

    1. Lady Julian*

      Oh, awesome! I’ve wanted to try this for a while & might this summer, when I have a little more time. What resources did you use to learn how to start your starter?

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I love King Arthur Flour– their site is my first stop for any kind of bread recipe. I followed the instructions on this blog post: http://blog.kingarthurflour.com/2012/04/05/creating-your-own-sourdough-starter-the-path-to-great-bread/

        I’m finding it relatively easy, but I had to remind myself to do twice daily feedings. I’m now at the last step before I put the stuff in its permanent home. Also, I didn’t realize quite how much flour it would take. I might have to get yet another bag of flour during this week’s shopping, which is a shame, because it was on sale last week. :)

    2. Stephanie*

      Yay! I had to gift my three-year-old sourdough starter to my friend when I moved. Glad yours is working out.

    3. SophieChotek*

      Yay! I need to do this sometime. (I can totally see myself naming mine, if I ever start.)

    4. LizB*

      Woohoo! A past roommate had a starter she grew and made the best sourdough pancakes with it. I kind of want to try and start my own just so I can have them again.

    5. dr_silverware*

      Yes!! I love mine. I got a bit of starter from family, so it’s pretty well-established. I don’t treat it very well, but it’s been flexible and good to me and makes realllly good bagels. I love thinking of all the little creatures working away.

    6. Mrs. Fenris*

      I haven’t done a sourdough starter in forever and I should do one! I find the whole process of making bread fascinating, even though I can’t say I’m very good at it.

      And if you haven’t read Kitchen Confidential, by all means seek it out soon, and read the chapter about Adam the psycho baker and what he called HIS starters.

  18. Lady Julian*

    Who’s done online dating? I tried a free site recently (because I’m too poor for a paid version), hoping to actually go on a couple dates (I am in my 30s and just because of my personality/background, haven’t dated very much at all.)

    So far I’ve warded off a few lechers, and had a few good chats. But now I’ve got a guy who wants to meet me IRL, like for dinner. Problem is, 1) I’m up against a bunch of work deadlines & would be too stressed by them to enjoy dinner, and 2) dinners are awkward in general. I might suggest meeting for coffee, though even then, I feel kind of bad, because I think this guy may be interested in a longterm relationship. I’m not interested in that at all. Sigh.

    1. Sherm*

      When I did online dating, I almost always opted for coffee. It was quick, low-key, a way to get to know someone who was practically a stranger. If it turned out that our expectations were different, well, no biggie — hopefully the coffee was nice. If he throws a fit about the idea of coffee, or about that you’ve hit a crazy time at work and need to postpone for a little bit, then he’s not worth meeting.

    2. JHS*

      When I did online dating, I always just met for a drink. If it felt organic to go to dinner after, I did. If you don’t like the person after a few minutes and then have to sit through dinner, that can be agonizing!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh God yes. Coffee or a drink is perfect for a first meeting, and you can make it quick if you’re swamped. Also, if you hit it off, then you can make plans for something more leisurely.

    3. Dan*

      1) In general, I’m not a fan of “dinner” on the first date. (I make an exception for pizza, as it tends to be one course and can be quick if necessary. It’s also not terribly expensive.)

      But I do think you need to find some time in the next couple of weeks to meet the guy in person. If you take a month to meet him, things may taper off and you both lose interest.

      2) As far as long term goes, go out on a couple of dates and feel him out and ask some probing questions. Although, I’m not sure you can necessarily get a straight answer to a direct question, I know that if I were asked that, I’d duck it or find some otherwise noncommittal answer.

    4. Sunflower*

      I always do just drinks or coffee on the first IRL meeting. There’s just a lot up in the air on this first meeting and it’s best to be able to leave after 30 minutes if you’re both not feeling it. I agree with Dan- definitely try to schedule him in or things will taper off. It’s happened to me a lot.

      I would also maybe step back and try to see how online dating and IRL dating is different. Online dating is a very large pool and there are no social cues tot pick up on- meaning that a lot of people following the same habits and steps with everyone they meet. It’s pretty common to have a standard ‘this is how introduce myself, this is how I ask to meet IRL’. What is throwing up the flags that this guy wants a LTR- from what I’m reading, is it simply because he asked you to go to dinner? And you think you’re going to hurt his feelings by suggesting coffee? This isn’t my experience at all- Most people are just eager to meet because they don’t want to waste time talking to someone that they can’t connect with in person. Or they don’t want to get stuck with the ‘I will talk to you forever but never actually try to make plans to meet you’ person.

      If he does freak out, he’s clearly not someone you want to date but I think you are may be overthinking his reaction a bit. Also- what is it that you are looking for online? People are looking for everything ranging from ‘Just DTF’ to ‘I am looking for my soulmate’. Being upfront about this will spare a lot of heartbreak and confusion down the line.

      1. Dan*

        Yeah, I don’t like online conversations that drag out. I’ve always wondered what people are looking for when they are hesitant to meet in person but are fine communicating online.

        Me? I’m looking to establish that there’s enough to get through a 30 minute conversation over coffee/drinks without too much awkward silence, and the person isn’t too nutty. I actually find it a bigger waste of time to drag things on too long just to find out there’s no “spark” in person.

        I realize women want some assurance that they won’t be meeting someone in a dark alley and everything that goes along with that… which is why you meet in very public venues in neighborhoods with lots of foot traffic.

        As for what people are looking for… IMHO, it can get complicated, because what that person wants might be dependent on a lot factors. I know that for me, when I first got divorced, I wasn’t looking to make anything exclusive for the first year or so, but if I found the right person, and things kept rolling, long term could be on the table. I also wasn’t just looking for people who were DTF only — I was out there to see what’s out there, and figure out how to play the game again.

        Sometimes you just gotta roll with it without overthinking it. In my line of work, we call that analysis paralysis, which is where thinking about things too hard gets in the way of actually getting anything done.

        1. Natalie*

          The safety argument never really made any sense to me, but maybe that’s because I was in college when acquaintance/date rape was starting to get a lot of attention. I know people don’t like to think about it, but people we meet through mutual friends or whatever aren’t magically going to be safe people. :/

          As long as one follows common sense precautions – have your own transportation, tell someone where you’re going – meeting someone from the internet for coffee isn’t especially perilous.

    5. Kj*

      I meet my husband online, so I liked online dating for what it was: a chance to meet a few potentials, check them out and hopefully find someone for the long-term. I found now-husband on my third try, so I was very lucky. That said, you aren’t looking for long-term, but you aren’t looking to hook-up either, given your “a few lechers” comment. Are you being clear on your profile you don’t want either? Honestly, most people on OLD in my experience are looking for hook-ups or forever partners, so you may be somewhat limited in who wants the same thing as you. You need to find a way to say “I won’t sleep with you right off, but I will never marry you” and that is hard to do. Maybe see if other profiles have a graceful way of doing this?

      Coffee, in my opinion, is a bad first date. Dinner is also a bad first date. Pick something you want to do- active things, like going to a museum, going on a walk of a new part of town, farmer’s market- and suggest that. It is something you already want to do, it is active, you can easily say “gosh, look at the time” when you finish the walk/museum/market OR you can go for that coffee after you know you like the person. It also gives you something to talk about with your date. Staring at each other over coffee or dinner is kind of boring in my opinion.

    6. HannahS*

      I did! Definitely a fan of coffee dates because they’re as short or long as you like.
      I didn’t have success with online dating, personally, and I’ve given up for a while. I think it was a mix of my location and the kind of person I was looking for.
      One thing I’d say (and I’m saying it because I didn’t succeed at it myself, and it’s part of what burned me out) is that feeling bad for disappointing a blind date is a massive waste of energy. Rejecting people feels terrible, but I’ve found that being rejected is actually not that bad. So I’ve tried to adjust my expectations; if I can take being rejected with a shrug and a smile, then so can other people. And if they can’t it’s really not my fault. I have a “standard” script for turning down both online invites to talk and second (or third or whatever) dates, which I found helped me not worry over finding the perfect combination of words.

    7. Natalie*

      I’ll concur with the crowd that dinner is too much for a first meeting. Coffee or happy hour is much better – you can always extend it if you really like them, but you have an easy out if you don’t. I went on enough dates with people that I had good chemistry with online but absolutely nothing offline. Versus the guy I thought was actually kind of dull online and only went out with because I was bored and didn’t want to go all the way across town for a party. We ended up closing down the bar that first date and now we’re married.

    8. soupmonger*

      I’ve done a fair bit of online dating and after a few first dates of dinner, I swore I’d never, ever throw away an entire evening on a first date. Coffee is good, but a weekend lunch is great as it’s the weekend – you have time to enjoy lunch but you don’t have to sit there all afternoon. If your date is a ‘no’, you have an appointment after lunch, so easy escape. If your date is a ‘yes’, then you have afternoon, evening, night and Sunday to follow :)

  19. roseberriesmaybe*

    There was a post on Tor about the best light, funny, and/or whimsical sff books for hard times. They don’t have to be speculative fiction, but tell me your comfort reading! What book(s) do you keep coming back to?

      1. Still no username*

        Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, P.G. Wodehouse – that’s my comfort reading. A little absurdity never fails to cheer me up.

        1. roseberriesmaybe*

          I’m the same! Absurdity works for me. Somehow in my two comments I forgot to recommend something myself, but Wodehouse’s A Damsel in Distress is the only book that has ever made me laugh in public

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      It sounds so odd, but I read Nora Ephron’s Heartburn whenever I’m depressed. A fictionalized account of her real-life divorce! Sign me up! Sounds odd. But I love Ephron’s style and I just “get” her, so it’s a go-to for me for sure.

    4. Kay*

      Love this!

      I read mostly sff, so: Mercedes Lackey is my go-to comfort reading. I think of her books like mac & cheese. Not all that good for me but happily indulgent. I also have a long list of nostalgic favorites (Anne McCaffrey, Patricia C. Wrede, among others) that leave me content no matter how many times I’ve read them.

      1. Newby*

        I remember reading Dragon Song for the first time. I think it was the first non-children’s book I read.

    5. bassclefchick*

      I like to read the “fluffy” mysteries – Cleo Coyle (Coffee House Mysteries), Donna Andrews (Meg Lanslow series), Joanne Fluke (Hannah Swensen series). Yeah, I know they aren’t always taken seriously, but they’re fun for me and if there’s recipes includes, it’s a bonus.

      I also like reading James Patterson. I really like his style. It’s a fast read for me and if my husband leaves me alone, I can usually knock one out in a Sunday afternoon.

      But the ones I go to first when I need light and funny are Janet Evanovich. She makes me laugh out loud! It’s always fun to see exactly how Stephanie Plum manages to destroy another car.

      1. Newby*

        I like fluffy mysteries sometimes too (especially the ones with recipes). I don’t know how mysteries with cooking became a sub-genre, but I’m not complaining.

        1. ladydisdain*

          Publishing fads. Publishers were avoiding cozies in favor of ones heavy on forensics and thereby leaving a lot of mystery readers out in the cold. Craft mysteries sprang up to fill the void.

          At least, thats how it was explained to me.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I have an entire bookshelf of all my kids’ books, plus ones I’ve bought later and I like to read favorites from childhood. The Little House books, the Ramona books, etc. Sometimes I read through all the picture books or my large collection of Peanuts books. :)

      I need to have a kid, LOL.

    7. Newby*

      Julia Quinn if I want something light and funny
      Patricia Briggs or Ilona Andrews if I’m in the mood for urban fantasy
      Brandon Sanderson for fantasy
      Lois McMaster Bujold for science fiction

    8. SCAnonibrarian*

      Dealing With Dragons series, and Asimov shorts. Especially the robot ones. Mercedes Lackey’s Beauty; over and over and over. Ancient kid’s fantasy or sf/dystopian stuff: Escape From Witch Mountain, Children of Morrow, Invitation to the Game, The Other Place, Ruth Chew’s witchy books.

      1. Gingerblue*

        Someone else who remembers Ruth Chew! She was a staple of my Scholastic orders as a kid. I just bought a bunch of used copies of the ones I remembered better to reread.

  20. MommaCat*

    Any potty training tips? We just got word that we’ve gotten into the preschool we were trying for (yay!), but kid has to be totally potty trained by the time he starts in August. And by totally potty trained, I mean able to pull pants down and up, and be able to sit on an adult toilet seat to do his business. I’ve been bribing him with candy and getting him to go every hour, but that’s a lot of candy. Any other tips?

    1. Saro*

      This book is what helped me the very, very most: Oh Crap! Potty Training. The summaries I read online of the book were not helpful.

      I tried the candy and so many other things before the book!

    2. Book Lover*

      We did the M&M thing and it worked for us. Or to be more accurate, my son couldn’t be bothered to potty train for #2 until he was 4, and my little girl did it in a day or two with the M&Ms at 2.5…. So it probably has more to do with the kid than the method, but it did work and didn’t take long.

      I do think that just throwing away the diapers and not doing pull ups is the way to go. Might have a few accidents, but then they get it.

    3. Science!*

      We used the Oh Crap potty training, but modified it to fit our life. My son was 3 when we started (which the book said was too late, but whatever). We did the one day naked, one day with just underwear. We let him pick out his new underwear so he was really excited about wearing them.

      Our big sticking points was using potties outside of the house. My son didn’t like the sound of the flushing, and automatic flushers were the worst. Carry around sticky notes to put over the sensors to prevent them from flushing.

    4. Sualah*

      My mother raised 2 boys and 3 girls and swears that for boys, getting something that turns the water blue and telling them they can make it green will work every time. She says they love it.

    5. SharedDriveUser*

      A little late to the conversation; however my boys were trained with floating targets. The type we had could be left floating and didn’t interfere with flushing. Worked like a champ with both my boys and their bestie from next door.

  21. Weeping Willow*

    It’s funny, I’ve heard a lot about depression and seen it in people in my life but I never associated it with crying. I knew people got quiet, moody, withdrawn, etc with all those various symptoms but I never really thought about crying.

    I don’t know if I have depression but it feels like I do. Lack of energy, disinterest in my normal hobbies, withdrawn from people, unhappy thoughts; Ive been thinking I might have depression. But I didn’t expect I’d be crying so much. I seem to cry at nothing in particular. I Mean, there are times there’s a definite trigger, but lately it’s nothing at all. This morning, I got up, ran an errand for some crafting supplies, drove to my mother’s house in the beautiful weather with good music in my car, greeted the family dog who I will be watching this weekend, then sat down on the couch for no good reason. I’ve been having a good morning, I have fun plans with friends this evening, nothing majorly pressing I have to attend to, yet I’m sitting here crying, the dog staring at me wondering what’s wrong.

    im a young female so I’m used to getting emotional around ‘that time of the month’ but even then there’s a reason for me to go off, even one as minor as being frustrated from a long day. This, though, this is crying over nothing and I don’t know why I’m doing it.

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      This sounds completely like depression. Have an internet-stranger hug, if you want one.

    2. Lily Evans*

      I’ve definitely had periods of depression where I cry really easily that made me wish I could just go back to feeling nothing. It’s really frustrating because I’m normally not an easy crier at all and it feels embarrassing. I’d definitely recommend seeking out a therapist if you haven’t already, and maybe also make an appointment with your regular doctor since sudden mood changes can be indicative of other problems (my worst bout of depression coincided with being ridiculously iron-deficient anemic).

    3. Sunflower*

      Instead of trying to decide ‘am I depressed’, I think you should focus on the fact that something is clearly not right lately. If you google ‘symptoms of depression’, I think you’ll find a lot of what you’re experiencing on that list. It’s also very common to experience feelings of nothingness. My therapist has never said ‘you are depressed’ but I’ve experienced pretty much every single symptom of depression in the past 6 months. Just because no one has ever said it to me, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

      It can also be difficult for people to understand that depression doesn’t mean ‘I’m sad all the time’. You can still be happy and have great days but be depressed. Or you can feel just plain nothing at all. I experienced my first bout with depression 9 years ago and I didn’t know that’s what it was until I started therapy a few years later. If you’ve never experienced depression, it can be difficult to decide if you are depressed because emotions can be quite conflicting.

      So I think you should definitely talk to someone- whether it’s a doctor or a counselor. Even if you are totally healthy and just going through a funk that will kick itself soon, it will most likely make you feel a little better- at the very least for a little bit. I’ve been dealing with this and in therapy for a few years and it’s not easy but it’s reassuring to hear I am not the only one and eventually, I can come through on the other side of this.

      1. 30ish*

        Exactly. I’ve found that, for me, depression was mostly an absence of positive feelings (I had issues with crying, too, but it didn’t seem that extreme to me). When I should have felt really good, I was feeling meh. But that’s really hard to pinpoint while you’re experiencing it. It’s only really obvious in retrospect.

    5. 30ish*

      I had the same symptoms when I was depressed. I finally saw a psychiatrist and now I’m so much better! No crying for weeks, if not months. Please get the help you need and deserve.

    6. Charlie Q*

      SAME, friend. My depression manifests as a lot of crying, mostly at things that objectively aren’t awful and sometimes at nothing.

      But! One thing I’ve found helpful (as a human who talks myself into believing that my problems “aren’t a big deal”) is that I’m allowed to go to therapy even if it isn’t depression. It helps me to call it by its name, but on days when I’m doing the whole “other people have it worse, I need to get over it” BS, I remember that it doesn’t have to be the worst in order to deserve help.

      It took a few tries, but I now have the best therapist I could ever have dreamed of. Love and light to you <3

  22. Dizzy Steinway*

    I think I might have some symptoms of adult ADHD although probably not enough for a diagnosis and I’d appreciate practical coping tips. I’d dismissed the idea in the past as I can be so hyper-focused – but I’ve recently discovered that hyper-focus can be part of it. I have other symptoms but not enough for a diagnosis I don’t think.

    I don’t want to offend anyone and I’m not be that annoying person trying to Google-diagnose myself, but there are some things I’ve struggled with for years. So I thought I’d ask if anyone can suggest practical tips for something I’m struggling with in particular. I’ve got lots already for not interrupting/ waiting to talk (though I find it exhausting and avoid socialising sometimes as it drains me so much to have to always be policing myself) but something I really struggle with is waiting for information e.g. I can’t concentrate on watching a video to find something out as I just need to know the thing NOW. It can help if I doodle or play Sudoku but then I often tune out the original source of my impatience.

    I wondered: is it better to find ways of relieving the impatience or try to stay with it? Like how with anxiety you feel like you want reassurance but it doesn’t help in the long run?

    It’s just dawning on me that I’ve been making a very wrong assumption about what is typical. I thought everyone found it difficult or frustrating to wait for information or wait to speak and they just dealt with it much better than me. I am just now realising that they might not feel that way to start feel. I feel really weird – kind of cheated, and I don’t know what’s typical or how to find out.

    2. fposte*

      Hey, that all sounds very familiar to me :-). I think the specific problem you’re asking about isn’t so much a problem these days, since people are looking stuff up on their phones all the time and the internet often has an answer to your question. I don’t know if it gets worse if you indulge it or not–I think we’re talking something like a compulsion, which operates differently than anxiety. I do think it’s good to develop self-distractions for situations where you can’t look the stuff up, but I hang with people who share the impulse to some extent, so nobody’s bothered if you’re watching TV and you want to look up where you saw that actress or what other show you heard that song in.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        Unfortunately sometimes you kind of need to watch the video (but for reasons that would belong on the Friday thread). More generally I’m just realising that my levels of impatience and inability to concentrate are not, in fact, typical, and it’s left me feeling kind of discombobulated!

      2. Dizzy Steinway*

        Oh and with respect, it’s not true that nobody is bothered. Someone is: me! I’m sick of these extremes of concentration, never feeling relaxed, making careless mistakes, and desperately need practical tips. Like: what kind of self-distractions and how do I stop them distracting me too much instead of the right amount?

        1. fposte*

          That was my sentence about who I hang with, though, so it’s absolutely true.

          I’m still just dipping my toe in, but mindfulness training might be something to explore there. RO-Cat has posted a great list of resources for it in a previous open thread.

          1. Dizzy Steinway*

            I do do mindfulness and it’s helped a bit but not a lot. I’m really looking for practical ‘in the moment’ strategies. Like the ones for interrupters on the Friday open thread.

      3. Dizzy Steinway*

        Also I don’t mean I can’t find things out as I can’t watch videos. I just mean I can’t concentrate on videos to an extent I think is not typical but I really don’t know!

    3. Temperance*

      I deal with the same thing. I’m bad at reading conversational cues, and there are few things I hate more than watching a video for information when an article would satisfy so much more quickly.

      I also struggle with disorganization.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        Ah, I’m sorry to hear that.

        Personally I can read cues – I just have a really hard time keeping my impulse gratification monkey at bay.

    4. Sir Alanna Trebond*

      I hate watching videos for information too! I routinely watch informational videos at twice the speed while doing something “mindless” like folding clothing. Articles are so much easier to quickly skim. I’ve even been known to look up episode transcripts because sitting through an entire episode seemed like too much effort. It’s been a bit of an epiphany for me that apparently none of this is normal? I wouldn’t have ever suspected ADHD because I was a high performer in school. However, this weird brain thing–call it ADHD or whatever you will– definitely affects my life. For example, I just cannot make myself focus to fill out necessary forms, e.g. tax stuff, tuition stuff, whatever. This has actually cost me money in the past! I will be watching to see if people have some practical tips.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        YES to the transcripts – they are a godsend when they exist.

        I’m not sure what is and isn’t normal, I feel like I don’t know at all now so please don’t take my word for it!

          1. Dizzy Steinway*

            I’m five minutes in and have 25 points so far. I also like this guy – he talks fast!

            1. Sir Alanna Trebond*

              I got more than 100 when I did it too but of course I couldn’t be bothered to grab a piece of paper so I have no idea what the exact score was.

        2. ms42*

          Heh! I’ve been switching between the open thread and the transcript of a podcast on dealing with ADHD for the past half hour or so.

          I tend more toward lifestyle changes to prevent the sort of problems you’re discussing than coming up with in-the-moment strategies, but I find that knitting helps me with the interrupting and similar impulses during meetings. I write down a note about what I want to say and put the energy into the yarn until there’s an opening for me to speak.

            1. ms42*

              For me, honestly, exercising in the morning is the biggest thing. I have to be careful with it, because I also have fibromyalgia, but a workout in the morning where I really got into the zone, makes a huge difference with my ADHD.

              I also try to plan things both so I can get in a zone and so I have fewer decisions to make, both to work with how my brain wants to work and to eliminate points of stress for it. Cooking for the week (so I can get into a food prep zone), doing a big batch of laundry and planning my clothes for the week/having my gym clothes ready to go in advance, all of that makes it easier for me to deal with impulses since I have more reserves to deal with them.

              I hope something in there helps you!

      2. Jaydee*

        I never would have suspected ADHD either because I was a good student. But looking back, it was all there. Why did I take me so much longer to finish things than it took others? Why was it so hard to just sit down and focus on things (unless it was something I was really into – then time would stop and I would forget to eat and sleep)?

    5. Miranda*

      I hate videos for info, so does my spouse. That said, I survived videos and lectures (that you couldn’t go to the book to find the information from) throughout college and elsewhere. I found note taking helped, that way I wouldn’t lose what the professor/videos were saying, but I would have something to do with my hands, and if it got too boring for a short while I could doodle in the margins. I’ve heard good things about quiet fidgeting devices that might help if they let you do something without tuning out your original info source, and could be good for chatting situations if they aren’t annoying/distracting to the person you’re listening to. My husband watched video lectures for some master’s degree classes on his own time, and found a way to make the computer play it at what I think was at least half again faster than the recording speed without it sounding too distorted.

    6. Jaydee*

      Oof, I feel you on all of what you have described. I would say to be cautious about the things you jump to while waiting. If you find that they help you focus better (like I find taking notes and doodling help me focus in meetings, even if I don’t really *need* the notes) then they are probably okay. But if you find that they actually make things harder for you (like when I jump on AAM or another site during work while waiting for something else to finish and then end up wasting way more time than I intended to) then you should find a substitute activity that is productive or a way to deal with the waiting.

      FWIW, I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago (and anxiety more recently, which my therapist says is commonly co-occurring with ADHD) and between meds and therapy have found a lot of the things you are describing to be much easier to cope with.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        That’s a good tip, thank you.

        I’ve looked up the NHS criteria for an adult diagnosis and you only need five symptoms to get one. I definitely have more than five. I might actually seriously look into this.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      When I do not get enough sleep I do these things, I grow impatient with people talking, impatient with videos, anything that takes longer than… oh… two minutes.

      I do agree that some patience is learned, it’s not there by natural causes.

      Just a shot in the dark here: Do you have a goal that you are somehow blocked from getting to that goal? When I was at my most impatient it was because I was no where near where I wanted to be in life. It came out as, “Hurry up, will ya?!!!” that was my answer to almost everything.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        The goal question is an interesting one but actually, nope. I retrained, switched career and am really happy and fulfilled. I’m happily married too.

    8. Panda Bandit*

      I don’t want to sit through those videos either and I do not have ADHD. It is partly about time, like why sit through 10 minutes of filler when all I need is a simple answer?

    9. Mike C.*

      Wait, hold on here. In the work thread you were really short with me when I ranted about my efforts to deal with my ADD at work with regards to needless meetings and now you’re here talking about your own possible ADD?

      but something I really struggle with is waiting for information e.g. I can’t concentrate on watching a video to find something out as I just need to know the thing NOW

      I mean, this is really close to what I was complaining about! I know this exactly feeling and frustration you’re feeling – you’re talking about training videos where the narrator is really slow and they go on and on with useless metaphors and you’re sitting there waiting and waiting for something useful to happen and there’s another digression or example and it just keeps going when you just want to know X, Y and Z? Yeah, I’m with you, it really sucks!

      I apologize in advance if I completely misread the tone of your comment before but if not I really think that’s not cool. You should understand how much it sucks to stick someone with these sorts of conditions in a small room with literally nothing to do for hours on end.

      1. Mike C.*

        And looking over your post here again, if these issues are bothering you that much, I really think you should speak to a doctor if you have access to one. If these issues are big enough to constantly irritate you, they’re big enough to talk to a professional about.

        Lots and lots of folks trivialize these issues in the public realm, and you should be wary of falling into that trap.

    10. Nic*

      I struggle with the same thing. I thought it was normal until my roommate commented that when I’m watching TV (the thing most people do when they’re bored) I also have to be playing sudoku or some other little relatively mindless thing because I’m bored.

      I find that having relatively mindless puzzles (or ones I have shown to muscle memory like puzzle rings) helps me because I can do something while still focusing on whatever it is I’m trying to watch or listen to. To my understanding doodling or drawing works for some other people.

      1. Nic*

        Oh! I also find it having something going in the background, like a documentary or music helps. Even if I’m watching a video, having something soft and background focuses me.

  23. Cruciatus*

    On Thursday my one cat had to be put down (not the one in the avatar). I’m doing OK but you always hope for more time. But she wasn’t happy anymore. She was nearly 17 and was fighting cancer, though at her last vet appointment with the cancer vet (just on Tuesday) he said he didn’t notice any leukemia bumps (or whatever) and was set to see her in April for some sort of hydration procedure we’d have to give her daily. I could already tell that she wasn’t doing well and wasn’t likely to bounce back. So did mom. We talked just earlier this week about not wanting her to suffer and should my mom make the decision as needed (since she’s retired). I agreed yes. I’m a little frustrated the cancer vet didn’t seem to notice any problems with her (not eating much which just started a few days before (she was actually up in weight over the last month when she couldn’t STOP eating it seemed until it stopped a few days before her next visit), difficulty standing still, etc). And of course that visit was over $300, just for us to decide she needed to be put down 2 days later. I know we made the right decision. As I said, she wasn’t happy anymore and while she would still come to see what food was being put out, she didn’t want to eat any of it. She did have one final purr session with mom on her lap before they went over.
    I will really miss her though. She was truly the best and sometimes I feel guilty that our routine changed when our latest cat joined our house in 2010. She didn’t sleep in my room anymore because new cat took it over. In fact, she basically took over everything. But I hope she feels she still got good time with me and her other humans. She and her litter mate were abandoned on our road nearly 17 years ago (and her sister still lives, with arthritis, but still very happy I think). My sister found them while taking a walk down our rural-ish road. My mom said not to name them as we already had 2 cats. We named them right away. Whoever abandoned them really missed out. They have been wonderful. Not mean, maybe a little food obsessed, but goofy, social (unless you ring the doorbell), and loved following their humans around the yard or to the mailbox. Sometimes she would bring us snakes. Snakes: the strings of the animal world. But she wasn’t much of a killer (unlike her litter mate) and just liked watching most of the time. The end of their lives seems so far away at the beginning then it somehow sneaks up on you and you have no idea where the time went.
    I really didn’t plan to write all that! Guess I just needed to vent some feelings. We will be cremating her. Does anyone have ideas for what to do with her remains? I’d like some sort of tangible thing but I’m not interested in a memorial stone or things like that. Maybe a tree or bush planted with her ashes. Any other ideas (that are reasonably priced)?

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

      We planted a rosebush that shared a name with a beloved pet we wanted to commemorate.

    2. fposte*

      Aw, Cruciatus, I’m sorry, and that was really a lovely tribute. A friend has an urn on the bookshelf with her beloved cat’s ashes; since they’re in a bag, it’s pretty easy to put them in anything you like in the pottery line (though lidded is probably the best way to go) and that wouldn’t have to cost much. I scattered my father’s ashes under two of my trees and liked doing that; I was particularly moved to read that a tracking dog can actually detect the person’s scent in the tree years later. They were already planted, so it was just a matter of mixing the ashes into some compost (otherwise they just blow away from the surface) and pouring that around the foot of the tree.

    3. Jessesgirl72*

      I’m so sorry! I have a keepsake box where I display the collar and tags from the pets who have gone to the Rainbow bridge.

      I always bury the remains in a favorite spot (or in view of a favorite spot) but like the idea of a tree.

    4. Max Kitty*

      It sounds like she had a lovely life. I’m so sorry you had to let her go. No matter how long their lives, it’s never long enough.

    5. bassclefchick*

      There are companies that make jewelry out of cremation ashes. I think it’s really pretty and an interesting way to commemorate your pet. I just googled it and the one company I found was called Cremation Solutions. But I’m sure if you do better research than a 5 second google search, there are plenty of other companies that do similar things.

    6. Lestat*

      If you’d like to keep her always, you could have a glass orb or heart made with her ashes. Artful Ashes does beautiful work. Link to follow.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I’m sorry you lost your kitty. :(

      I love the idea of planting a tree/bush with her ashes. We did a tree for the dog we had growing up. My mum took care of everything while we were at school, and we planted the tree near his grave later. My parents haven’t had that house for ages, but I like the idea of my doggie’s tree still there for others to enjoy.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I am sorry for the loss of your little friend.

      I think sometimes animals mark chapters in our lives. A family member got a cat right after her father died and she was a young teen. That cat stayed with her until a few weeks before her daughter was born. The cat was 17 or so. It’s like the cat knew it was okay to go. My family member had made it into adulthood and now had her own family.
      Your story here sort of reminded me of a pet knowing it is okay to go now as there is someone else to carry on.

      You know, garden shops have lovely statuary now. I saw some dog statues that were really great. There’s probably some cat statues, too. Maybe you would like something like that?

    10. New Window*

      The end of their lives seems so far away at the beginning then it somehow sneaks up on you and you have no idea where the time went.

      Yes, always yes. We put our cat to sleep a couple years ago, and he was 18. It’s funny how short 17 and 18 years becomes when you have to say goodbye.

      I’m sorry you’ve lost your cat, and I’m happy that she was a part of your life for as long as she was.

    11. Rachel 2: Electric Boogaloo*

      I’m so sorry. No matter how much time we have with them, it’s never enough.

  24. Myrin*

    Back update!

    I saw the doctor last week and he could confirm that I have very, very mild scoliosis (so mild that I didn’t even see anything wrong with the X-rays until he pointed it out) but that the problems I experience are probably mostly because of muscle cramps that I need to continuously battle via, well, moving a lot. My feet are also a problem (I love my feet, my feet are great and beautiful, okay? But they’re also not at all standing like they should) and he said I definitely need to get my jaw looked at (which is a procedure that, luckily, he knew my regular dentist can perform) because it makes a cracking sound whenever I move it in one direction (which I knew, I just didn’t think it signified anything). But yeah, he prescribed six massages and physiotherapy but said that the most important thing is that I do a lot by myself, and continuously.

    So I’ve been taking up yoga and gymnastics again and I’m already feeling so much better! Now I just need to be strict with myself and not start slacking again but yeah, it’s six in the evening here at the moment and only just now am I started to get back pain which is a huuuge improvement. So thank you guys all so much for the encouragement and kind words!

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      My back has been out since Monday — I’ve been all twisted up and I’ve barely been able to stand upright for more than a few minutes at a time. Yesterday I had a massage that fixed a lot of it — I can now stand upright and walk normally. I’m still really sore and not back to normal, but it’s amazing how much massage can fix.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh heck yeah. I wish I could get one every week.

        I need to do either Pilates or yoda to help mine; if I don’t, an old injury starts up with the complaining and it makes it hard to do anything.

        1. Lissa*

          Oh gosh that typo gave me such a cute image of my mind of tiny Yoda walking on someone’s back for healing purposes! awww!

    2. misspiggy*

      OK, so all those things together are making me ask if you’ve ever looked into hypermobility/EDS, and the specialised physiotherapy that helps with it…?

    3. Jen Erik*

      I’m really glad your doctor was able to offer such concrete suggestions, and I hope they continue to help with the pain.

    4. Clever Name*

      I mentioned in your last post I also have scoliosis. Massage has been a godsend, along with yoga and Pilates on the reformer.

  25. Jessesgirl72*

    It is shaping up to be one of those weekends! Took my older dog to the vet yesterday because he’s starting having “accidents” overnight, and has lost weight. Of course, he needed to loose weight and he’s been walked a lot more, trying to get him there. They took blood and urine and xrays and said it was probably one of 3 old age diseases, but wouldn’t know for sure until his labs came back this morning. At least the x-rays had ruled out cancer or anything untreatable. He’s been drinking a lot, so I figured diabetes.

    Well, I was right. Only his lab results were so bad that the vet wanted him back in immediately, to treat him over the weekend. Problem is, my husband left with our only car for a 3D printing meet up 4 hours away at 5:30am. So the Vet (he really is awesome) sent his Tech over to pick the dog up. Dog was happy to go with the stranger if it meant a ride. Younger dog is a nervous wreck and runs to the window any time I move or she hears a sound.

    I had planned a project of putting appliques on onesies (so apparently easy, this far) but have no sewing machine experience to “seal” the edges, so I intended to hand sew them. The instructions suggested embroidery floss. I thought I knew where my container of floss was, but I was mistaken. Sooo, considering the long cold rainy day by myself and needing something to keep my mind off the poor sick dog (who had no change in energy or happiness, despite his lab results!), I made my first Amazon Prime Now order, that just because available in Milwaukee this week, for floss.

    Just mostly venting, since my husband doesn’t even have cellphone or wi fi signal in the building they are using. He steps outside occasionally to check on texts from me.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      This sucks. I hope you have talked to your hubby by now. And I hope the vet is able to help your dog in some way.

  26. Laura*

    Cleaned my bathroom sink this morning and now I get to prepare for my presentation to a social group on Monday. Pre-presentation jitters are setting in- what if I flub it? Am I missing something? Etc.

    I have all my materials ready to go and it’s a topic I’ve got down pat. (wrote a paper and my thesis for college on it and I write the stuff so I know fan fiction pretty well.)

    But still the nerves are present… prolly never goes away. Should prolly get to prepping. (A couple read throughs of the script and looking through the outline packet I have for my audience.)

    Good vibes appreciated. Will let y’all know how it went.

  27. nep*

    Can we talk candida overgrowth?
    Anyone have experience with battling this by getting gut bacteria in balance? I’d be interested in hearing about this.

    1. fposte*

      I’m rather a skeptic on candida overgrowth, but I know that the Specific Carbohydrate Diet is getting looked at for repopulating the gut microbiome in general; it’s pretty restrictive in the introductory phase and the information is often not helpful about progression, but some people find their way through it and find good benefits. I actually don’t tolerate fats that well so failed very quickly on a first try on the diet; I might try it again and see if I can do a low-fat take on the early days. (I loved the yogurt, though; still making that.)

      So I’d recommend having a look at that to see what you think. Most people talking about the diet are talking about it after the introductory phase, at which point it doesn’t seem all that tough to me; some of them also cheat like mad or rely on rolling everything in nut flour, which seems to me to be asking for a new kind of monocultural trouble. There are also people on the other extreme who make it sound like you might as well not try it if you can’t get locally sourced carrot puree and de-ionized chicken, so it’s kind of a diverse collective :-). Scientifically speaking, it’s not established, but there is some nascent research on it that’s got some good results, and my very experience GI mentioned the possibility of trying it to me.

      1. nep*

        Thanks.
        As in, you don’t think candida overgrowth happens and affects people?
        Just interested in hearing more, as I’ve been looking into this more in the past couple of days. (A lot of conflicting things out there, both on line and from people I’ve asked.)

        2. fposte*

          I don’t think there’s evidence supporting its significance at the moment, and I generally think probiotic manufacturers overpromise the hell out of their stuff–by the time they get to us the bacteria are pretty old, and they’re tiny in number compared to what we’re already containing (looks like at least one got slapped down by the government for it, in fact).

          I do think we’re struggling right now to pin down GI diseases of civilization like IBD and IBS and exploring different ways to conceptualize them as well as deal with them, and candida overgrowth fits into that; we’re certainly only beginning to understand the gut biome and also how it affects the gut. And anything that points us to a diet that comes less out of packages and more out of the perimeter is probably going to improve our health regardless.

          1. TL -*

            All the evidence now argues against candida overgrowth being a significant factor. Yeast infections do happen and if you’re bored and want to be grossed out at some point, google candida tongue infections – but the symptoms for those are quite obvious and easily treatable.

            And beyond what fposte said about probiotics, we don’t know nearly enough about our gut microbiome to understand what probiotics to give and in what amounts would be helpful. Probiotics are a good idea, but we don’t understand nearly enough to put them into practice with any sort of efficacy.

            1. nep*

              Causes of yeast infection?
              Anyone care to share what pharmaceutical or natural remedies have worked?

              1. fposte*

                It depends where, but mostly it’s a mucous membrane/wound thing. Immune compromise is a big precursor for oral yeast infection; vaginal yeast infections are common when taking some antibiotics or steroids or when the area is remaining moist rather than drying out. (At least once somebody has given it to themselves by taking Saccharomyces probiotics, so there’s that too.) An antifungal like fluconazole is a good first line treatment that’ll knock out most of yer basic candida situations.

                (BTW, TL, there are actually a couple of GI journal articles of the actual science type that have found atypical populations of yeast in people with some GI disorders. I didn’t track them to see how seminal they were, and they weren’t claiming causality, but I thought it was interesting.)

                1. TL -*

                  That’s interesting! They’re just now starting to dissect the microbiome – it’ll be interesting to see where it goes.

                2. Natalie*

                  Semi TMI, but I once had a horrible cycle of candida/BV/candida/BV – I’d swear on my life that the antibiotic gel for the BV caused the candida, and the fluconazole would then trigger BV.

              2. Not So NewReader*

                Yogurt. In conjunction with other things, but I cannot remember what those things were.

                I have not had a yeast infection in quite a while. But I quit eating a lot of carbs, so many things have gone away. ha!

                This is not a good technical explanation but my problem was over reliance on one food group and ignoring others. This is probably a case where I made so many changes that my body starting working better. I was into comfort foods and I started choosing foods for their practical benefits.

                But even with that, I still have to do stuff to target specific problems. Currently, I am supposed to be eating some fermented foods. This is a test, I tell you. I do not like fermented foods…. which is probably why I need some.

                1. Gadfly*

                  I’ve been falling in love with homemade sauerkraut. And the homegrown milk kefir? I don’t like it to drink but it makes a wonderful cream cheese like spread.

          2. Mike C.*

            Yeah, I completely agree probiotics are overhyped right now. It just plays so nicely into the themes of “one weird trick” and “oh, it’s a perfectly natural way for the body to heal itself”.

  28. Marillenbaum*

    So…I just got dumped last night. I really cared about this guy, and he waited until the end of the date to break things off, which felt spectacularly crap–I thought we were having a nice night out, and he was just waiting to end things the whole time. I’m trying to be really nice to myself this weekend, but I’m also really down. Any advice on riding this out and getting my confidence back?

    2. nep*

      Sorry. It sucks, plain and simple.
      Just time, and keep being nice to yourself.
      Please keep us posted.

    3. Elizabeth H.*

      I had the waiting until the end of the date thing, with going away for a week over New Years. There is definitely something that feels especially bad about that kind of timing but the motivation is that they want to put off hurting you, and probably also feel conflicted and hard not to give in to the impulse to just keep dating and put it off. In my case I’m still glad we did it and had such a nice time one more time. But I’m sorry, it always sucks.

    4. NotoriousMCG*

      Ugh! That happened to me too once! My boyfriend and I were hanging out the night before I went on a three week trip to Europe, and at the end of the night he decides to end things! Totally ruined my trip!!

      As for powering through, engage with all your other friends more, read favorite books, and throw yourself into a new project that’s challenging. When you find yourself ruminating on things, find some way to move around and refocus. Let yourself be sad, but then make yourself get up and not languish.

    5. Sunflower*

      Check the weekend open thread from last week. Someone posted looking for advice to get through a breakup and I thought a lot of it was good. Someone also posted a really interesting document that was a compiled list (that people are still editing) of things that helped them get through a breakup.

      You should definitely do something that makes you feel good this weekend- for me, it’s taking a long bath and reading or binge watching TV shows. I love to dance too- nothing gets my confidence back like dancing around my apartment. I also enjoy working out/running to get the anger and aggression out. This might be a good time to do something you’ve been putting off- have you been wanting to try something new but are too scared? Do it. I bet you can.

      Read ‘It’s called a breakup because it’s broken’. It’s hilarious and has always served as a huge confidence booster for me when I’ve been dumped. Other than that, just let yourself feel all the feels. Cry if you want, sleep if you want, call a friend and talk about what you’re feeling. Ask for hugs from friends- I don’t know why but hugs just make me feel so much better. And people like giving them.

      Other than that, hang in there. I am someone who does not take breakups well so I KNOW the agony of knowing I’ll move on and find someone better but damn it just hurts so much right now. And just wanting to be the F over it and move on. I feel ya- lots of hugs from me to you.

    7. Lissa*

      Ugh, I am so sorry! I seriously wish there was some kind of accepted breakup etiquette because I hear so many stories like this. My male best friend from high school did this to his first girlfriend — took her out on a really nice day, then ended things at the end of it and she was NOT happy. I talked to him about it later and his intent was to try to make her happy to “soften the blow” or something…total good intention fail,ugh, don’t do that! I feel like while it sucks to get a “we need to talk’ style message where you know the breakup is coming, but I prefer that to being blindsided.

    1. fposte*

      I want to use “Opae ula shrimp update” as my email subject for everything.

      (Holy cow, do they really live for 20 years?)

  30. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    Inexpensive party/wedding reception ideas?

    A childhood friend of mine was disowned at barely 19 for being queer and had to drop out of college; now, at 21, she and her partner want to get married so as they can go back to college as independent students. They’re having a courthouse wedding, but are looking for affordable reception ideas to have a small party with some friends and maybe a supportive sibling or two.

    I offered to help them in any way I could, and this sort of planning is so much better than helping them through FAFSA or college or social services bureaucracy.

    1. JHS*

      What about a cocktail reception at a restaurant on a Saturday afternoon in their non-busiest time like maybe 3-6 with just passed hor d’oevres and they can do a signature drink plus wine and beer?

    2. fposte*

      Depends where you are, but around here the answer would be parks. You can rent a pavilion for about $100.

      1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        That does sound good. Her partner loves to bake (she was in culinary school before everything went south with their families), so they might want to bring in outside food.

        1. fposte*

          I worked with somebody who had a wedding in the park with the favorite local pizza as the food. She was thrilled with it and her friends enjoyed themselves thoroughly. Do pizza, combo platter from Subway ($38, according to the website), something like that, have the partner bake something. Check first on the alcohol policy if that’s important (I think most allow it these days but sometimes you find ones that don’t).

          1. Gaia*

            I know that at our local parks you need a “permit” but it costs nothing and is just an added line on your reservation stating you’ll be having alcohol.

      2. blackcat*

        The booking fee for my picnic wedding was $50, with a $100 refundable deposit (which I got back).

        Sandwich platters + salads (including an awesome bean salad as a vegan main dish) ran like another $200 for about 35 people. The local grocer that I got it from threw in a free sheet cake when they heard the word “wedding” when my parents’ friends picked up the food. (Later, my mom found out that the story was that they had made another cake wrong, scrapped off the words on top, and re-frosted the center)

        People stood for the ceremony, and we used picnic tables and picnic blankets for eating. I spent another $50 or so on miscellaneous things, like kites, frisbees and a cheap bocce set.

        Marriage license costs vary. Depending where she is, getting a friend ordained on the internet is a good way to avoid officiant costs.

      3. Gadfly*

        We did the park thing for the wedding and reception. Crockpots with chili were the main food (we got a pavilion with power). A friend made the cake. We talked about trying to do a waffle bar instead (make it a brunch sort of thing) but it didn’t work.

      4. Mike C.*

        Parks are a great idea, but there’s a good chance you won’t be allowed to serve alcohol. On the other hand, this might save you even more money.

    3. Kay*

      Parks, library community rooms, the grange, or a local cafe that’s not open in the afternoon/evening. Catering is always the most expensive part, so maybe a themed potluck? Everyone brings a type of cookie, or a breakfast item, or a chili cook-off, or something grill-able. If you can find somewhere with access to a stove, make your own pizzas could be a ton of fun, especially if you split up the work and everyone brought a topping.

      Depending on size and relative geekery, I could also see a local comics store or board game store (which often have open spaces for DnD or board game playing) lending them a space where they could hang out and play games for a few hours, order some pizza, and just relax and celebrate with friends.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        My friends did a pot luck and, oh boy, did they have good stuff. I think they ended up with more food than if they had it catered.

    4. NotoriousMCG*

      I don’t know where you are, but we had our rehearsal dinner at a family friend’s field and it was really fun. They could make it a BYOB potluck, and just bring some speakers and an iPod!

    7. Ktelzbeth*

      We did a potluck in our church’s commons. I started cooking about a month ahead of time in those big trays that go in steam tables and then froze them at the church, thawing the food a few days ahead and baking up to temperature during the ceremony. Everyone else also brought food in true potluck style, but I was paranoid they wouldn’t, so wanted to make sure there was plenty. I’m not sure what my ingredient costs were, but much cheaper than catering. It kept me busy, but I had more time than money.

    8. Liane*

      We had our wedding in a park. Mom-in-law and a couple of friends provided food. I don’t recall what the pavilion rental was, but this was 25 years ago. If they want a wedding dress or 2, I swear by bridal-shop discount racks–got a $500 dress for $50 because of a have-to-search-for-it snag.

      Churches are also good, & yes, there are many that don’t have issues with same-sex couples. (Our church has 1 lesbian couple–that I know of–and the kids’ Venture Crew is chartered through a church with a mostly-gay congregation.)

    9. Gene*

      We rented the Unitarian Universalist Hall and did a sandwich and salad buffet with box wine and beer. We catered the whole thing, including two cakes (chocolate and vanilla) from Costco. It was 20 years ago this year, but I think the entire thing was in the $250-350 range.

    10. Kj*

      Ideas:

      Brunch! Choose a venue that doesn’t do lunch or breakfast and they’ll usually charge a very small fee for room usage, plus food.

      A backyard reception: cake, a couple dips, chips, pita and drinks. Could even do BYOB if crowd is cool with it.

      Picnic in a park: rent a pavilion (usually less than $50) and have some music and trays from Sam’s or CostCo.

    11. AcademiaNut*

      If the weather is likely to be nice, I’d go for a park rental, but not potluck. Find a venue that has grills, and go for either sausages and hamburgers (with veggie burgers as needed), or meat and vegetable skewers, depending on how much prep work you want to do, and the number of gluten free guests).

      Have someone at the venue 1/2 hr before the specified start time to get the grills going, so that they’re hot and ready to cook when you need them. Provide toppings for burgers (ketchup, mustard, sliced pickles, cheese) or some sauces for skewers (tatziki, hot sauce). Then get some trays of Costco veggies and dip, tortilla chips with salsa and hummus, coleslaw. For drinks, a cooler or big (clean) garbage pail full of ice with soft drinks, juice, iced tea, and (if allowed) beer and cider. For dessert, buy a sheet cake or two and have custom decorations.

      Bring a bunch of wet-wipes for people to clean sticky hands easily, and some bins for garbage and recycling, to make clean up easier, and some big picnic blankets for people to sit on, if needed. And have some way to handle presents if people bring them.

      You could make up a sign or backdrop with the year and names on it, for people to take casual pictures with – the couple, and also with their friends. And afterwards, collect photos from the participants, tidy them up a bit, and give the couple a memory stick of photos, and maybe a printed book as a keepsake.

      1. Gadfly*

        Problem with that for the veggie guests is a lot of them have legitimate issues if the veggie burgers are sharing a grill with the non veggie ones–so keep that in mind. (Huge issue at my wedding because my husband is vegetarian in part for religious reasons, as are a number of his dearest friends–part of why we did crockpot chili instead, easy to have different crockpots)

    12. Natalie*

      Depending on how small the party is, a lot of restaurants have side rooms that can be reserved for no extra cost assuming everyone will order food.

      Also for a small group, maybe someone’s home? If it hadn’t been 100 effing degrees when I got married we would have had our reception in our yard.

      And our alternative venue was really cheap, too – a small art gallery that didn’t do a ton of events. We brought in catering and self-catered drinks & dessert, and everyone had the art to look at when they were feeling awkward.

    13. Chaordic One*

      Gee, in reading these ideas I am very impressed at how sensible they are. It sounds like everyone had a good time and they didn’t break the bank.

    14. Red*

      I did the same thing, courthouse wedding for FAFSA reasons! We’re having a picnic at the local park in the summer with all our family. It’s a potluck and we will bring a cake and outdoor games, and it’s going to be a good time.

  31. Gene*

    One more, then it’s errand time!

    The 2017 Formula 1 season is under way! I’m looking the new rules, the cars look good and the lap times are way down. Not sure about the pink Force India, but the Toro Rosso livery is great.

    2. Mike C.*

      Holy crap that was a great race! I stayed up to watch it live. Not sure if it’s cool to discuss the details yet, but I was surprised by the reliability issues. Only being allowed four engines before penalties will be quite interesting.

      I’m loving the new look of the cars, and you can really see that extra second or two per lap on the on board cameras.

      I don’t like the look of the Force Indias either, but if they were paid enough to turn every surface they control pink then here’s hoping we’ll see a more competitive team in the midfield. They were absolutely terrible last year. Toro Rosso looks nice, I’ve been a fan of the matte paint on the Red Bulls and it’s interesting to see an orange McLaren.

      But I’m going to be a blatant partisan and root for Haas F1. I was seriously impressed with their performance last year and I look forward to some more action this year. No shame here. :)

  32. ZZYZX*

    I went out to breakfast at a chain restaurant this morning, and everything was wonderful until at the end the cashier told my spouse and I to “Have a blessed day”. Why would she say that? She has no idea that I am an atheist and my spouse is Jewish. While she may have been saying this to be nice it came across as “I’m a Christian and you should be one also”. What would hav been a good response to politely tell her that we have no intention of having “a blessed day”?

    1. Elizabeth H.*

      The polite response is just to say thank you and smile. There is no polite way to tell someone you have no intention of having a blessed day, only rude ways. She DID mean it to be nice and did not mean “I’m Christian and you should be too.” The world is full of different kinds of people, just accept people’s words in the manner in which they intend them (in this case friendly).

      2. Jo*

        Yes. Seconding this.

        This is completely normal in the south and it really weirded me out when my parents first moved down there because I’d never heard it before. I’m not religious at all and still find it weird, but with things like this I’ve found it most helpful to simply take it in the spirit in which it’s meant.

        They’re not trying to convert you or anything like that – if anything they most likely assume you share the same faith – they really do just mean “have a nice day.” Nothing more, nothing less.

    2. NotoriousMCG*

      I live in the south, so I probably run into it more often, but I generally just shrug it off as someone trying to be nice and so I appreciate the gesture. I’m not religious in any way, so I just switch ‘blessed’ for ‘good’ in my brain and smile, nod, and walk away.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Same. I’m Jewish. I live in the South. This is just par for the politeness course. No one is trying to imply that I should be anything different from what I am, but even if they were, it takes far more effort to get irritated by it than to simply smile, nod, and leave.

        I once heard someone say this at work in my office in NYC. THAT was unusual.

    3. Dizzy Steinway*

      I was raised Jewish and wouldn’t be offended by this. I’m not saying you’re not allowed to feel what you feel, but I think it’s just a thing to say and not at all personal.

    4. fposte*

      As an atheist myself, I don’t care for that one either, but I don’t think it’s necessarily telling you you have to be Christian; for a lot of people it’s basically the way “goodbye” used to mean “God be with you” and no longer does.” So my action is to say “You have a good one” and move on.

    5. A. Non*

      You’re assuming, too, though. You’re assuming she’s Christian. She could be spiritual, she could be Wiccan, she could be a lot of flavors of religion that view blessings as good thoughts.

      Try reframing it in your head.

    6. LizB*

      This phrase used to really throw me/annoy me (I’m Jewish); I’ve now heard it enough that I’m numb to it, but I get where you’re coming from. It’s one of those itsy-bitsy reminders that Christianity is acceptable to the mainstream in a way that other traditions really aren’t. A non-Jew would probably find it weird if I wished them a Good Shabbos on Friday night, because that’s not something they believe in, but nobody bats an eye at religious greetings based in Christianity. I understand the nice sentiment behind them, but it can be grating.

      One thing that’s helped me is mentally “translating” it into a sentiment I’m more comfortable with. So, in this person’s language, “Have a blessed day” is how they say “I hope your day is awesome.” Maybe they also meant it with a side of “Have a nice day AS LONG AS YOU ACCEPT JESUS,” but I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear that part.

      1. Gadfly*

        THIS. It is basically the quintessential small little thing that microaggressions was coined to describe. It is not a major thing in itself, and it usually isn’t ill intended, but it is still that one more piece of straw atop the camel’s back. And, seriously, a lot of times it is a dominance move to reinforce that their thing (whatever it is) is the expected norm.

      2. Alinea*

        I am rolling! “As long as you accept Jesus!” LOL. It reminded me of a certain aunt…

        Interesting point about no one bating an eye at Christianity based things. As diverse as some parts of America are, that is so true. When I am in [overwhelmingly Catholic Latin American country] I feel like hearing similar phrases “makes more sense” but in Southern California I don’t hear as many faith-based phrases in casual/business conversations unless I am specifically calling a faith-based organization.

        OP, I agree a simple “thank you” is the best route to go.

      3. Observer*

        “Blessed day” isn’t especially Christian, though. As others have mentioned, “blessings” are considered GOOD things (that we should wish for all people in most cases.)

        I have a friend whose family’s traditional sign off is “Zei Gebentshed” which is Yiddish for “Be blessed”.

          1. JaneB*

            Round here I’ve only ever heard it from the ostentatiously pagan/Wiccan/new age types

            Geography of culture is such a weird thing in the internet age…

          2. Charlie Q*

            That’s so funny because I think of it as an explicitly non-Christian thing, similar to “Blessed be” in lieu of “Amen.”

    7. Elizabeth West*

      It means nothing—a lot of Christians say it to literally everybody. It’s their version of “Have a nice day.” All you have to do is say “Thanks.” You don’t have to return the sentiment.

    8. Temperance*

      It makes me uncomfortable, and I would probably file it in my mind when thinking about places to go. It’s a mild form of evangelizing, but not as bad as some, IMO.

    9. Cynical Lackey*

      She had a cross around her neck, so I am more than assuming she is a Christian. We are in Los Angeles, so this is more rare here than in the south. i have been in this restaurant maybe 6 or 10 times before and I never encountered this. I I think I will tell her it makes me uncomfortable if she does it again.

      1. GirlwithaPearl*

        I’m a little annoyed by folks responding by saying this is not an intentional thing christians do. It is.

        I’d respond with “blessed be” or something else that is from a different faith (even if it wasn’t mine) but sometimes I’m a petty jerk like that ;)

        1. Lissa*

          Why are you annoyed that not everyone’s had that experience? Until I read that I didn’t realise “have a blessed day” was specifically Christian. I live in a *very* secular area, and my associations with “blessed” are Wiccan, a la blessed be. I have heard *other* such phrases I’d specifically associate with Christianity, but I don’t think it’s something to be annoyed by that others weren’t aware. Now I’ll be listening for this one. :)

        2. Elizabeth West*

          It is intentional, but it’s not something you need to get in their face about unless they’re being really snarky or follow you out to your car or something. It’s kind of one of those pick-your-battle things. Personally, I’d rather put my energy into thwarting efforts by evangelicals to dictate what I can do with my own body than into getting upset about their slightly annoying blessed-day stuff.

          1. Gadfly*

            It just is hard to always let it pass because in many ways that is how they normalize themselves to where it makes sense to people that they can dictate what I do to my body. I wonder if they were called out more on the little things if they would make it as far/be so hard to fight with the big ones.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              I doubt it, because their thing right now is that they feel persecuted *retch* and picking at them is only going to reinforce that. If you can get along with them the rest of the time, then your words will carry more weight when you have something important to say.

          2. Gilmore67*

            I agree with the pick your battle statement. There are just so many other things going on this really has to pale in comparison. (Unless she was in your face and was literally preaching )

            We (people in general) really have to stop and think about this idea of getting offended and/or reading into too many things that may or may not be there.

            Even if she said it to throw a little religious saying at you, who cares? Your life did not change because of it. Your day did not change because of it.

            You decided it was going to tick you off. People are not always going to say or do stuff you like. You can’t control their actions but you can control how you choose to deal with it. You can’t go complaining to people every time they say something you just don’t like. ( Again unless it is literally harming you, in your face, etc…..)

            If you choose to let it bother you that is on you.

      2. SCAnonibrarian*

        It actually might be better to see if you can send feedback to the hostess or dining room/server manager that one of the staff said a religiously-based goodbye and that you were taken aback, and ask if they could re-train or ask their staff to be more careful about remaining neutral for the benefit of their customers. Items you won’t have to directly confront the sever, and the host/hostess/manager will probably care about the impression the servers are leaving people with.

        And for everyone saying it’s no big deal, it IS often a micro-aggression, and until and unless you find nothing wrong with being met with “insh-Allah” or sent off with “namaste” or “blessed be” or “radical atheism is the only truth, man” then it’s wrong to insist that this particular verbiage is fine and we should just deal. It’s not, and while there are mostly not graceful times or ways to fight back, that doesn’t make the comment ‘fine’ it just means that I care more about being polite in public than I care about having been wished something actively offensive to me.

        1. fposte*

          I don’t have any problem being sent off with salaam or shalom or namaste, and “radical atheism is the only truth” isn’t equivalent because it’s not an expression of goodwill.

          1. SCAnonibrarian*

            My point is more that the people ‘blessed day’ing at me ARE likely to have issues with those others. And that speaks to their privilege that theirs is considered ‘neutral’ and the others are either foreign or weird or unpleasant.

            When you’re out in the world surrounded by strangers, but especially in a service position, you really ought to be as neutral as possible to people to avoid unintentional offense or the appearance of ‘pushing’ a particular viewpoint, right? I think so.

            To me, the server using that particular phrase means she either wasn’t thinking about people actually BEING non-Christian (i.e. she just assumes everyone is Christian because they’re nice inoffensive people in the world) OR she is trying in a small way to ‘spread the Word.’

            Neither of those thought processes produce appropriate professional behavior, and I’d argue they aren’t appropriate social behavior either, regardless of what religious or political or ideological bias is showing.

            And expecting someone to ‘out’ themselves as not a part of the dominant paradigm in order to counter casual bias doesn’t work well as a counter-action either, especially in places like the Deep South where there can be real social and employment repercussions from not being the ‘right sort’ of person.

            1. fposte*

              I’m not disagreeing that Christians are majoritarian as all get out and that I would prefer not to be faithed at, and I think mentioning the sendoff to the manager is a reasonable thing (and much better than being snotty to the person saying). I just don’t think your example worked or that the statement necessarily comes from the place you describe.

          2. neverjaunty*

            You might if you lived in a place where those other religious expressions were those of a dinnar faith hostile to yours.

            2. fposte*

              I am, and I also don’t think it’s true that I would respond differently to namaste based on where I am.

        2. chickabiddy*

          I would be absolutely fine with “blessed day,” “insh-Allah,” “namaste,” “good Shabbos,” “blessed be,” or any number of other closing thoughts. “Radical atheism is the only truth, man” has rather a different flavor as I read the others as primarily good wishes even if they reflect the speaker’s firmness in her faith that I may or may not share, but “the only truth” is nothing but proselytizing.

          1. chickabiddy*

            So, this is what happens when I load the thread, go do something else, and come back. Sorry; I did not mean to pile on.

      3. HannahS*

        Yeah. I’m really not a fan of that kind of thing. My rejoinder to the ubiquitous Christmas wishes is to reply that I don’t celebrate it but I hope they enjoy theirs. I guess you could say, “We’re not Christian, but we hope you have a nice day.”

    10. Gene*

      When I get this, I respond with either, “May He touch you with His Noodly Appendage.” or, since I’m ordained in the United Church of Bacon, “May the Lard be with you.” I’d they mishear what I said, no problem.

    11. StudentA*

      I am not Christian and never have been. I wouldn’t even blink if someone said this to me. And no, this is not a “Christian” phrase, and it can be applied to many other religions or lack of one. Christians being a majority in this country is irrelevant.

      If I were witness in a public place where someone made a complaint to the manager or gave a passive aggressive or sarcastic comeback, I would be very turned off. We seem to be living in a time where people think just because they were offended, the other party must be at fault. I am not fond of this trend. I don’t want to lose focus of the subject of the thread, but it’s a thought you can consider.

      To answer your question, there is no polite response that you “don’t have the intention of having a blessed day”. I think it’s fine to not answer though, if you can’t muster a “thanks”.

  33. Kay*

    Cat people: your help, please?

    (I grant you, this is as least as much a marriage problem as it is a cat problem, as you will see.)

    My husband came with a cat. I did not grow up with cats and frankly they kind of baffle me? He’s fluffy and occasionally sweet but I think my brain just does not interface with cats. (I’m a dogs-and-horses person.)

    I don’t care for the cat, except when I do, because my husband fits a certain model of adult male incompetence that I fully admit I enable and that his mother definitely did. We’ve lived together, with the cat, for about seven years now. I feel comfortable taking charge of the dog’s care – training her, taking her to the vet, monitoring her diet and overall health, etc. – but not so much the cat’s.

    Biggest regular problem: husband cleans the cat’s litter box every three weeks or so by simply dumping the whole thing into a trash bag and refilling it. No scrubbing of the box itself, just dump. It’s open and in the mudroom that we use to enter and exit the house, so I see it multiple times every day. Every time, the smell and the sight triggers a gag reflex. I have asked him many, many, many times to clean it more often – we have discussed and he has agreed to many different variations on schedules – I have bought him new litter boxes and new litter scoops when he said the previous ones were the reason he didn’t clean it. Currently he’s supposed to clean it on Saturdays. He frequently lies and says it’s on his schedule, or lies and says that he’s ordered more litter from Amazon and he’s just waiting for that to arrive.

    At the heart of his argument for why he doesn’t want to do it is because he says the cat is obviously totally fine with it as it is, so why should he change anything? This is an argument against which I have no defense, because I know nothing about cats. It’s true, the cat continues to use it; the cat is generally pretty healthy (at least, he was last time he went to the vet, when I took him 2.5 years ago because I had a crushing sense of guilt about him not having gone because I had a general sense of how to treat a pet, not a cat-specific knowledge of how frequently they should go); there isn’t really a clear and hard consequence to letting it sit for weeks at a time other than my gag reflex and frustration.

    So, cat people: is this normal? is this ok? what would your solution be? I feel like I’ve tried everything and maybe my next step should be just to find a way to hide it (and the smell, too, somehow?) and move on.

    My last-ditch ultimatum has been to say that absolutely and under no circumstances will we be getting another cat in the future if he can’t stick to our agreed-upon cleaning schedule. I’m not opposed to another cat – I don’t really dislike them, I just don’t get them – but when I think about a lifetime of litter box arguments I want to curl up into a ball and cry. That ultimatum has made no dent, so I guess I win?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Wait, is he not scooping it out (i.e., using the scoop to remove whatever has been deposited in it) in between dumping out the litter? If not, noooooo, that’s not normal. Really, he should be scooping it daily. In practice, with one cat who apparently isn’t bothered by this, he could probably get away with every other day or even every three days (although that’s really pushing it).

      But even though the cat isn’t bothered (seemingly), you’re bothered. Sorry if this is obvious, but have you tried saying, “This is really important to me, and I’m asking you to do it for that reason, because it’s something that impacts how comfortable I feel in our home”?

      1. Kay*

        No, he never scoops it in between dumping. He says it’s the way he always took care of his childhood cats and like I said, I have no frame of reference so I really wasn’t sure how normal it was. It didn’t feel normal, so thanks for the confirmation.

        I’ve tried phrasing it exactly what way many times, and he smiles and nods encouragingly and we agree to a new schedule (as I mentioned current one is to clean it on Saturdays) and then three more weeks go by and I mention it casually and he gets angry. It’s a fun cycle.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Can you talk about that then? As in, “Hey, I know we’ve talked about this a bunch and you have the best of intentions as we do, but the reality is that it ends up not happening. Given that we know that’s how it plays out, can we come up with a more realistic plan for how to approach this?” And maybe, “I need to be able to hash this out with you without you getting angry when I raise it, because otherwise I’m stuck with no solution and not being able to say anything about it.”

          1. Kay*

            I’ll try that phrasing, thank you. I feel like I’ve approached it every way possible but I think I need to sit him down and have a focused conversation about it, longer than we’ve had in the past.

            I’ve tried expressing many times that I don’t have a good way to bring up problems because no matter how I say things it seems to be wrong. I’ve gotten better over the years at reading the moment and the way I shape and frame things, but I still lack a good language for making things really clear.

            (I realize that the way I’ve typed that out makes the marriage sound abusive, and I promise it’s not – he has family history + broken brain stumbling blocks that I try to work around with compassion and patience.)

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Have you thought about couples counseling? Not for the litter box per se, but the broader pattern around communication and conflict resolution? Feeling like you lack a good language to resolve things is such a good reason to go.

            2. Natalie*

              I’ll second the recommendation for couples counseling. Family history and broken brain problems aren’t a pass for never listening to you when you bring up a problem because you didn’t hit the magic combination of words to say it right. Even when we have defensive responses because of how something was phrased, we can still deal with the issue that was brought up.

              My husband grew up in a pretty messed up family and came to our relationship with similar issues that initially made problem solving difficult. (Oddly, he also didn’t scoop his cats litter box as often as recommended. We’re lucky she’s not picky, and I traded litter box for a different chore so now I do it.) We’ve been in couples counseling on and of for about a year, and it’s been invaluable. In cas you’re concerned, most couples counseling is about practical solutions rather than deep psychoanalysis of your childhood or whatever.

              1. TL -*

                Yes. My person almost always gets defensive when I bring up issues with him – but then he generally changes his behavior (because I asked him to) or, on the rare occasion he doesn’t, when I bring it up again, he’s ready to have a real conversation about it.

                Even when I bring things up in the worst way possible, after the argument we manage to talk and find a resolution. It takes me longer than him to adjust my behavior (I’m just a bit slower but I do try until I succeed) but I take it better if he brings something up, so I figure it evens out, more or less.

                1. Natalie*

                  Exactly, everyone gets defensive sometimes, even people from really healthy backgrounds.

                  In a couples session a couple of weeks ago I said something that really hurt my husband – like, we didn’t really speak for a day or so. His hurt was totally understandable and I did chose my words especially terribly. And also, the problem I had brought up was also real. So that just means we had both things to work on, rather than just setting aside the original problem because of my blunder.

            3. neverjaunty*

              Family history plus broken brain is not the issue here. He’s being awful to you and not much better to the cat.

        2. Dizzy Steinway*

          He agrees to it and then gets angry?

          I’m sorry but that’s not very mature or respectful of him. Does he act like this about other stuff too?

          1. Kay*

            In short – yes. It’s not terribly mature, no. The reasons why are complicated, but frustrating to navigate around on a regular basis.

            1. TL -*

              I also think couples counseling would be good – but then I would also be saying that the cat needed to be rehomed if he wasn’t going to take care of it properly (which he isn’t.)

              It sounds like he’s really great at avoiding consequences and as long as there are no consequences he cares about, things aren’t going to change. Also, if you end up getting the litter reboot from below, I would suggest that comes from his fun money/slush pile, not yours.

        3. Episkey*

          You are SO lucky that cat continues to use a filthy box and doesn’t start peeing & pooping outside the box in protest.

          All I have to say on the matter is that if that started happening, the husband & the cat would both be finding another place to live.

        4. Gadfly*

          Is this also an outdoors cat? Because most cats would also be peeing elsewhere long before the three weeks was up, especially without scooping.

          We put a clipboard sheet up next to ours for a while because we had a lot going on and it would get overlooked (lots of –ugh, I’ll get that in the morning and then we had a dozen things to do in the morning sorts of situations). Like they have in many public bathrooms. Helped us keep track of when it was last done rather than rely on scattered memories.

        5. chickabiddy*

          “it’s the way he always took care of his childhood cats”

          Not that it’s okay in any way, but if he’s as old as I am, clumping/scoopable litter may not have existed when he was a child. Still, if he wants to dump instead of scoop, he could buy the cheaper clay litter and do it at least twice a week.

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Ours actually comes up and complains if her box isnt sparkling to her standards. Which means a two a day clean (she shares with her brother). Then she walks WITH you to the box and supervises your cleaning, gets in, digs to China, and has at it and wanders off with out even a thank you meow!

          Thankfully other half is a very responsible cat owner and we both keep on top of the litter box but yeah. I had a friend who was lazy about cleaning her cats litter box and so one of them just decided to urinate on the floor all the time in front of the box. That was not cool.

          1. Dizzy Steinway*

            Yes, ours does this too! He’ll claw your knees if you don’t comply immediately and then oversees your cleaning.

            Which is how come, while working as a journalist, I once did a phone interview with an important politician while holding a plastic bag full of cat poo my cat had insisted I scoop right then.

          2. mreasy*

            My cat has 2 boxes and they both get scooped 2x/day or punishment of meowing and doleful looks. It’s fine, everything’s fine.

      3. blackcat*

        Is the cat indoor/outdoor? If so, it’s likely doing it’s business outside a lot, mitigating the need to clean the litter box somewhat.

        But three weeks?! My cat would be pissing all over the house in protest, and he’s a highly tolerant cat (sometimes, I forget and it takes me 3 or 4 days between scoopings).

        1. Kay*

          Indoor cat only. He’s declawed. (He came that way as a rescue.)

          I think the more I hear about other people’s cats the more I realize I’m pretty lucky? He doesn’t pee or poop elsewhere, he just keeps filling up this box, or moving the litter around to sort-of bury it.

          1. blackcat*

            It’s even worse that the cat is declawed! For most declawed cats, digging and burying in litter box is at least somewhat painful.

            Yeah, this is totally not normal, and really, really bad for the cat.. If you can even remotely afford it, go buy a good self-cleaning box.

            1. Kay*

              I did not know that about declawed cats! I know many people have told me it’s bad for them, but I’d mostly been glad he came that way because he regularly acts like he wants to claw at furniture but he mostly just kneads it.

              Someone below suggested a self-cleaning box that works well that I will have to look into.

    2. Dizzy Steinway*

      Well, the cat may be fine but you’re not and that matters too! Though no, what he’s doing (or rather not doing) isn’t okay or hygienic.

      Our cat doesn’t use his tray much as he usually goes outside but when he does we tend to just scoop with a plastic bag over our hands. Leaving the crap there for three weeks is not normal or okay.

      I think you need more immediate consequences. I think I’d actually be handing him the scoop and insisting he does it NOW.

    3. Jessesgirl72*

      Even if it was just one week, I could see it, if the cat wasn’t bothered by it- assuming it’s a really huge litter box like we have, but THREE?

      No, it’s not normal, and your vet could tell him it’s also not healthy for the cat. Bacteria and fungus will grow there!

      Incidentally, it’s also not healthy for you.

      If you have money to spare to it, and don’t want to continue the fight, I can highly recommend a Litter Robot. They are NOT like the typical automatic litter box with a rake that takes more time to clean than just scooping the litter box. It’s a cylinder that rotates and drops the waste into a tray below the cylinder- and it’s sealed pretty well to contain the smell, as well as the sight. Then he would only have to go empty the bag that sits in the tray as it gets full. But it’s $450… (Used to be $350, but they’ve made the models more fancy and raised the price… Ugh!) Amazon also has some knock-offs for much less that you could try.

      1. Kay*

        I am…not sure the bacteria/fungus argument will sway him. I’m the one who cleans things because he insists he doesn’t ever notice if there’s a mess. When we were dating and he had his own apartment…it’s difficult to sum up how dirty things were. The only thing I have so far refused to budge on is the litter box. Everything else, I clean because I’m the only one who cares.

        I’ll look into the Litter Robot – that might be a solution. It might be out of the budget but if it works as advertised it might be worth it!

        1. Turtlewings*

          Just as a warning, some cats object to Litter Robots/Genies so stridently that they will stop using the litterbox at all. But yours sounds like he’s not very picky so he may very well not care.

          1. blackcat*

            My cat is not picky about a clean litter box, but he is scared of any device that moves or makes noise (he is terrified of the printer, for example). So it does depend on the cat’s temperament.

            1. Dizzy Steinway*

              Mine is terrified of Coke bottles because of the hiss when you open them. If you pick one up he freaks out.

          2. Jessesgirl72*

            Mine is terrified of everything- including my husband who has never spoken a harsh word to him and who has been around all the cats life- but he is not afraid of the litter robot. It doesn’t start until he’s well away from it.

            And Litter Robot will refund the money if your cat won’t use it.

        2. fposte*

          If you do try a change in the litterbox, I would recommend a careful introduction. It may not be your cat, but you’re the one who wants a success here, so it’s worth doing this a way that will maximize your chances. The Way of Cats blog has some helpful discussion of how she introduced the Litter Robot, for instance, and that might be worth following.

        3. neverjaunty*

          It’s so very easy to “not see” and “not care about” anything you know somebody else will handle for you.

        4. SeptemberGrrl*

          I’ll leave the relationship advice to others but I do know cats and to reiterate, you’re very lucky that this cat has adapted to using a dirty litter box. It’s not good for the cat though – she’s adjusted but it goes against her instincts and it’s unkind to allow this to continue for any longer. It’s not healthy and your cat doesn’t like it. She uses it because she has no choice other than using the rest of the house as a toilet. So real talk to commence, as an animal welfare advocate:

          – Someone who lives in this house needs to provide the cat with a clean litter box. If he won’t do it, then you can do or you can surrender the cat to a no-kill shelter but it’s not OK for this cat to continue to be treated this way.
          – You mention taking the cat to the vet 2 years ago because of a sense of guilt. (An adult cat should get a yearly checkup). That leads me to believe your husband doesn’t take an interest in the cat’s welfare in other ways aside from the litter box, which leads me to ask:
          – Do you guys love and want the cat? Does someone play with the cat, pet it, snuggle with it – and do so every day? I’m trying to figure out if your husband really does love and care for the cat.

          I don’t think a Litter Genie is the answer. It’s a band-aid on the problem, they have lots of downsides and no ‘real’ cat lady I know (and I know lots because I do lots of volunteer work in cat rescue) uses them. It sounds like you are using scoopable litter, right? In general, it’s not a good idea to change the litter situation too quickly – any change can throw them off, even if it’s going from bad to good. Try a transition period to get from where you are now to where you need to be. One idea:

          – Add a second litter box next to the current one. Use the same brand of litter and about the same amount.
          – Add a bit of the stinky litter from the current box to the new one (not a lot, just enough to carry the scent over so your cat feels familiar with it)
          – Leave both litter boxes there for a week or so, scooping the new box every other day.
          – See where you are at that point. If the cat is using the new box, get rid of the old one and start scooping it every day.

          I know this doesn’t take into account who is going to do this but my POV is that you guys needs to stop making this cat collateral damage and give her a healthy environment. I understand why you don’t want to be the one to do this but…it needs to happen for the cat’s welfare.

          Someone mentioned rehoming the cat and that’s an option too. I don’t know enough to about whether he is emotionally attached to the act and just lazy or if he doesn’t really care about the cat anymore. People do have a mistaken impression that cats need less attention/care than dogs but cats are social animals and they do want attention and love every day.

          I just want to say, I do understand the relationship part of this situation is very frustrating and why you felt you had to draw a line with him. I think it is important to understand though that this is not a nice situation for kitty….she really doesn’t like it :(

          Good luck.

        5. tigerStripes*

          A once a year vet visit is usually a good idea. I know your cat is indoor only, but depending on your state’s laws, it might be very important to make sure your cat is up-to-date on rabies shots – in some places, if your cat bites and breaks the skin, it is automatically quarantined (even for indoor only kitties) if you can’t prove the cat is up to date on rabies shots, and that can be very tough on a kitty.

          Could the vet be helpful in talking to your husband about proper cat care? Some people will pay more attention to a medical expert.

      2. Gadfly*

        I want a Litter Robot SOOO badly. I’ve told my husband it is going to be my graduation/get a new job gift to myself.

        You can still get the older models from some places, but it will depend on the size of the cats. Mine are big boys, so the most expensive one is my only choice.

        From using other automatic litter boxes and having friends with them, also know you do have to empty them as needed or it can become a disaster. I have HORROR stories about this…

        1. Jessesgirl72*

          The litter robot isn’t so bad. When the tray gets full, at least on the old model, it tends to set off the sensor, so it doesn’t rotate.

          1. Gadfly*

            So, not a Litter Robot, but a friend went on a trip and her brother was going to cat sit. He didn’t quite get the idea that you had to remove the tray when full. It stopped scooping, but the litter clumped into a giant rock around the tines of the rake and basically destroyed the machine.

            That is the sort of thing I’m afraid of too.

            1. Jessesgirl72*

              I had such problems with the rake kind- even when removing the tray before it was full, the litter was always getting stuck to the tines of the rake. I hated that thing so much!

              The nature of the litter robot, since it turns, is that the scenario described wouldn’t happen because there’s no way for the cat to continue to pee in one spot and create that giant cement block of clumped litter.

              The worst that happens with the litter robot (and yes, I’ve experienced this once. It’s not my job to empty the tray either, but…. ;) He’s normally good about it, though) is that the tray fills, the sensor that tells the box that a cat is in there gets triggered repeatedly and errors out because the sensor touches (pushed up from the bottom, rather than down from the top) and then when you notice and slide out the tray, bits scrape out and make a mild mess.

    4. Turtlewings*

      Holy crap (no pun intended), no, that is not normal! He should be scooping at least every other day, and he’s lucky as heck that the cat is unusually mellow about it — my late cat would start pooping on the floor if I didn’t scoop TWICE a day. Many, many cats are very picky about having a clean box and will make their preferences Extremely Clear.

      But regardless of the cat being okay with it, YOU are not okay with having animal feces sitting inside your house for weeks at a time. WHAT A STRANGE AND INEXPLICABLE WAY TO FEEL. In your place, I would absolutely be petty enough to start filling his shoes, car, or pillowcase with cat crap, but I guess that would *probably* not give you the moral high ground.

      The fact that he tells you he’ll clean it, then doesn’t, and lies about it, and gets defensive about it, indicates to me that he is an extremely immature and untrustworthy person who doesn’t care about your feelings. I mean, he may have other virtues but that is the objective description of his behavior.

      I wish I could tell you a way to make him grow up, but with petty revenge probably off the table, you might be better off telling him that you will now scoop the litterbox daily (if you can stand to — it won’t be so bad if it’s daily) and he will take care of X Chore That Used To Be Yours, and if he doesn’t like it, he and his cat can make other arrangements.

    5. Myrin*

      I think you’re probably spot-on in saying that this is a relationship problem, and I’d go so far as to say that it’s first and foremost a relationship problem. I’m saying that because people who behave like your husband don’t usually do that in just one situation but it’s actually part of a pattern that you can only really express through that one situation (in your case, the cat’s litterbox) but that actually features everywhere.

      Not taking your thoughts and feelings into consideration? Going back on his word? Not caring about your comfort? Not caring about the comfort of a pet he’s had for at least seven years and that is dependant on him? Outright lying?

      It could be that this is just one weirdly out-of-place blind spot he has in which case, other commenters have already covered how this is definitely not normal and not good for the cat (nevermind your sense of smell and optics). But I feel like you might need to look at this more broadly, how he behaves otherwise when it comes to what you ask of him or how you live together. Because I’m distinctly not a fan of the kind of logick that goes “Well, I’ve always done Thing that way which means that it was Right and which also means that it will forever be done that way and which also means that I don’t have to care about anything else other than that it will continue to happen this way and which lastly means that this ‘nostalgia’ is more important than actual real life right now and that the past needs to stay alive and well in the present!”.

      1. Myrin*

        Ah, shoot, I see that you’ve already addressed much of this upthread! I should have refreshed, sorry!

    6. Bad Candidate*

      I’ll add to the voices that say no, every three weeks is NOT OK. If he’ not even scooping between then, gross. I thought I was bad because sometimes I only scoop once a week. Just because the cat has been OK with it up to this point doesn’t mean it won’t change, especially as the cat gets older, it might get more finicky about its litter box. Mine did.

    7. LizB*

      Another option to suggest: I have a Luuup litter box, which lets you sift the litter rather than scooping, and I vastly prefer it to the old one that I had to scoop. I grew up with dogs, and for some reason scooping the litter box is way more gross to me than cleaning up after a dog. With the Luuup you just lift up the top tray, the clean litter sifts through, you dump the dirty stuff, re-stack the trays, and you’re done. If that would be easier for your husband to deal with, it could be something to look into.

    8. CatBoxCleaning*

      I don’t mean to pile on, but, going three weeks without scooping is definitely not usual practice and I am most surprised that this is acceptable to your cat, much less the humans living there. The only time I’ve seen something like this was with an indoor/ outdoor cat who very rarely used the box inside, and with a friend’s cat – said friend had a bit of a hoarding/housekeeping problem, and when he moved, he discovered that the cat had been going everywhere else – all around the basement, in the back of his deep closet, behind boxes of stuff…
      If your cat was using the box all the time, within a few days, there would be no unused litter to bury something in. So I suspect your cat is going other places.
      I’ll suggest what people often suggest when household chores are too much for the residents – hire help. A once a day cat sitter who just comes to scoop and refresh, and then changes all the litter in the box weekly, would probably do the trick. Another cat-behavior based idea: add another little box somewhere else. (The usual recommendation is for one more box than your number of cats.) That won’t help with the cleaning but it make the problem less concentrated in one place.
      If you ever get other cats, prepare for them not to tolerate this level of inattention to their needs. They will either demand you clean the box or they will go elsewhere.
      Do other people entering your home come through the mudroom with the litter box? If so, you might approach it with your husband on the grounds of having a welcoming entrance for guests… For some people, an appeal to what others’ might think may have some effect.

    9. KR*

      What AAM said and a few more reasons why it should be cleaned more often to maybe prompt him into action . … …
      The cat steps in that to do his business and tracks it all over the house so the cleaner the box is the cleaner your house is
      YOURE uncomfortable and feeling sick which means he should be more proactive
      You take care of all the dog stuff so he can clean the litter box. It’s not that hard.
      To most people who aren’t used to it (you, your guests, ect) the smell of cat waste is very unsettling and strong so he’s alienating visitors and you
      And it’s clearly an issue for you so he should just clean the damn cat box.

      Anyway, not normal at all. I know I says the cat doesn’t mind but cats are very clean animals naturally and it probably does mind
      Good luck

    10. Hrovitnir*

      I agree with all the replies above involving relationship stuff but I want to emphasise that there’s no way the cat doesn’t mind. Just because he isn’t peeing inappropriately doesn’t mean it’s not awful – can you imagine the overwhelming ammonia and the feeling of soaked litter on wee paws? This makes me very sad.

      1. Myrin*

        Yeah, I was also thinking that. I think everyone of us has stuff and their lives that they loathe but have to do anyway because there’s no way around it. Just because you see us do it from the outside doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel terrible on the inside.

    11. Littlebottom*

      I really feel for you OP!

      We all have our flaws, that’s for sure, but part of living with someone else is caring enough to not make the other person suffer. Like I’m messy, but I make sure it doesn’t affect other people.

      I feel for the cat as well. Even when my floor was covered in clothes and books, I always made sure my cat’s litter box and feeding area was immaculate. Now that she’s blind (she’s 18, but still happy and purry), the place is spotless, because I care about her being able to navigate the apartment easily. Just like when having a human roommate (or wife), I’d care enough to clean so that it doesn’t affect them.

      None of this is ok. The litterbox sounds awful – I mean, cat pee and poop smells and it sounds horrid to just have that sitting in your house for weeks on end. For a frame of reference, daily scooping is best, every other day is alright. I’ve found silicone litter to be best at containing smells, but that’s largely a personal preference. The box should also be washed with hot water and soap or dish detergent about once a month or when it smells. This really isn’t that much work – it takes me about four minutes for the daily scoop or replacing the litter entirely when necessary and about once a month, some fifteen minutes to scrub it properly. I’m just putting this in context of how great a chore your husband is making this sound, when it’s really not.

      You’re asking in terms of an ultimatum for a future cat. But that seems to be a misdirection of the problem. First of all, the current cat could very well live for another ten years and I’m pretty sure you’re not okay dealing with the sight and smell for that long. But more importantly, this isn’t about the litterbox per se. It’s a larger pattern of behavior. I’m not that great with relationship advice, but I would second all of what has been recommended above in terms of communication. In terms of immediate quickfix advice, the type of litter you’re using could have some effect on the smell, but with the frequency you’re citing it won’t matter, because you basically have the poop sitting on top of it for weeks.

    12. AlaskaKT*

      I highly recommend a CatGenie. After the upfront price it costs about as much as a regular box for supplies, and it flushes right down your laundry grey water OR into a toilet bowl and you just flush it down. My husband HATES the smell of cat litter so he’d never let my cats on him (even though they liked him). He got me one of these for Christmas and suddenly found out he was a cat person! I took mine apart and cleaned it every 6 months, and I never had any problems with it.

      https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B000MKHQG4/ref=psd_mlt_nbc_B008JGIYVE_bi

    13. mreasy*

      Hi. I am going to take a hard line here and say that you should find a new home for the cat. Your taking over litter box duty is not a good solution, but given your husband’s failure to take responsibility for the healthy and safety of his wife or his pet, it’s the only one, other than rehoming, that will not prolong this cat’s suffering. And the cat is suffering, even if you don’t see it. This prolonged exposure to dirty litter can have serious health consequences for the cat down the line (various urinary stress symptoms that can lead to blockages, UTIs, kidney issues, and worse), as well as you and your husband (toxo?! & other bacteria/fungus in the air). Please don’t let the cat become collateral damage as you and your husband determine whether you can be compatible long-term, given what seems like his selfishness and lack of maturity (no judgment: I’ve been there with partners too). Don’t abandon the cat to the shelter, but please try to find it a new home ASAP.

    14. Belle di Vedremo*

      This sounds awful, all around.

      First, since you’re also the one taking care of the cat’s overall health, I suggest contacting the vet and asking about formal recommendations/requirements for cat safety and health, and your own, re the litter box. Perhaps they will refer you to a general veterinary care website to which you can refer as well/instead. I’m sure the vet will be appalled that the cat is having to live with this situation, and be able to tell you ways in which this negatively effects the cat’s health and wellbeing, and that of the humans who have to live with a filthy litterbox.

      The litterbox should be scooped every other day at the most. It should be scrubbed as part of changing the litter (dump it out, scrub it, refill).

      Assuming you have guests at times, does the smell come up in conversation? Do you have friends who no longer want to come over because of the stench?

      You don’t say how old the cat is, but it doesn’t deserve to live like this, and neither do you.

      You’ve said it’s a marriage problem and gotten lots of suggestions for couples counseling, but have you thought about individual counseling around the enabling, and accepting the lying as a resolution technique? And, a hard-ass question but, does he have your back? If so, why is it ok to treat you – and the poor cat – like this?

      Meantime, thank you for your kindness to the cat and please be kind to yourself, too.

  34. SophieChotek*

    What is the one movie that you react with horror, pity, and shock when your best friend/the random stranger on the street/your family member/your co-worker/really anyone, tells you they have never seen this movie?

    When you find out friend/co-worker/random stranger has never seen this movie, you have to resist the urge to drop everything and drag them over to the TV and start watching it. (Being your favorite movie, you don’t have worry about not having it. You own it. On VHS. And Laser disc. And DVD. And the special edition DVD. And Blu-ray. And the special edition Blu-ray.) You probably will have to give them a copy for their next birthday/holiday/just because, to fix the deficiency in their life.

    For me, it’s been The Sound of Music.

    (Close seconds are The King’s Speech, Pride & Prejudice BBC version with Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth, Persuasion BBC Version with Amanda Root and Ciaran Hinds.)

    I’d love to hear yours!

    1. NotoriousMCG*

      When Harry Met Sally! I can’t tell you how many people I’ve recently become friends with who have never seen it!

      1. Emilia Bedelia*

        That was my first thought. My New Year’s resolution was to stop re-watching this, because I’ve seen it literally dozens of times. I only broke it once, in honor of Carrie Fisher.
        I still do quote it all the time- “Because of God”, said completely deadpan, is my favorite comeback.

      1. SophieChotek*

        I don’t think I’ve seen all of either of those film. I’ve seen enough iconic images from Pulp Fiction I can get it right, thouhg, when those quizzes pop up on Facebook.

    3. Dizzy Steinway*

      Well, it was Heathers until my old housemates watched it and DIDN’T LIKE IT (heathens).

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Who ARE these people?! And yes, I still drop a “cmon, itll be very” in a conversation every once in a while (because F- me gently with a chainsaw just doesn’t work for 90% of life situations)

      3. MsChanandlerBong*

        I didn’t like it, either, and I was prepared to watch it and think it was the best movie ever. I didn’t hate it, but I thought it was boring.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I was going to say this one. Everybody quotes from it. Simply everybody.

        I’m also gobsmacked by people who’ve seen it and don’t like it! I mean HOW COULD YOU NOT LIKE IIIIIIIT

          1. Gadfly*

            Long? You use that word, I do not think it means what you think it means…

            :P I want it remade as a miniseries…

              1. Gadfly*

                I don’t know! Dream answer is original cast, but that isn’t an option. Redone could be good or awful…

      4. tigerStripes*

        I know someone who hadn’t seen it until recently and when I found out he hadn’t seen it, he said the title seems kinda “girly”. I talked about the sword fighting and the rodents of unusual size, and he did end up seeing it and liked it.

    5. Lily Evans*

      I’m always really surprised when people haven’t seen Titanic because I don’t know how anyone made it through the late 90’s early 00’s without seeing it at least once. It was such a big movie, I was 5 when it came out but it was still a go to for sleepovers throughout middle and high school. One year, it was plying on cable the same night as a school dance and almost everyone I talked to that night had been watching it beforehand. It’s also one of my favorite movies and I’ve seen it probably a hundred times at this point.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I love Titanic! I try to watch it yearly, preferably on the anniversary of the sinking, with a candle lit. I feel so lucky I got to see it in concert (with the live orchestra) at Royal Albert Hall. That was worth every penny of that trip. And to be in the same room as James Horner (RIP) and James Cameron, AAAAAAAHHHHHH

        1. Lily Evans*

          That is so cool!!!! I was really excited when they did the limited re-release a few years ago and I got to see it in imax, but that is a thousand times better!

          1. Elizabeth West*

            The only thing that would have been better was if we got to meet them, or at least Horner. It probably could have been arranged; our (no longer) group ambassador was acquainted with Ludwig Wicki, who took over conducting that night because Horner had a shoulder injury. But NOOOOOOOOOOOO. He missed a clear shot at us having a photo op with one of our favorite composers. :(

            It was still awesome, even though I did have to rush back to my auntie’s afterward to avoid missing the last tube. She lives so far out it would have been me on the night bus until 3 a.m. otherwise.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            It was. I always get really into the film when I watch it, and the soundtrack is one of my favorites of his, so I know every bit of it. The orchestra was so good I forgot they were there, unless the audience applauded something. They were note perfect. They had a soprano doing the melody line (that’s a voice on the soundtrack, not an instrument) and the Tiffin Boys’ School choir did the choir stuff. They were great. Plus, I had never been to Royal Albert Hall before and I LOVED IT. It’s such a beautiful venue.

            And yes, we were all devastated about James Horner. Most times when a track of his plays we yell “HORNER” in chat and put in little wineglass emoticons to toast in tribute. <3 Usually when a composer dies, we see people in chat we haven't seen in ages. It's going to be chaos when John Williams leaves us. (Nooooooooo!)

        1. Lily Evans*

          That’s true, and it could be more down to my social circle than I used to think, but there were at least a half dozen times where I would’ve had to actively leave a room or a party to avoid it. Honestly, I’m glad I like it so much because it would have been really annoying if I didn’t!

      3. Mimmy*

        I was OBSESSED with Titanic when it was big! It is super cheesy at times and far-fetched, but the music is wonderful and there are some very moving scenes that STILL make me cry!

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      This just happened to me at work this week. Coworker remarked how he always confuses Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro. I said “wow, that must make it hard for you to watch Godfather Part II”. Cue blank look and admission hes never actually seen the Godfather or Part II!

      Another one: Spinal Tap. Much like Heathers (see above) I can quote that movie practically line by line. If you can’t tell me why Marshall amps go to 11 in real life, we need to not be interacting.

    8. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

      My husband had never seen The Sandlot until I was watching it a couple of months ago and he joined in. As we’re both 90s babies, I was floored when he said he’d never seen it before.

    9. regina phalange*

      I haven’t seen Star Wars and have no desire. In fact when one of the movies came out at the end of 2015, my entire team left work early to go and I offered to stay behind so we would have coverage.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        At my mother’s insistence, I watched the beginning of a “Star Wars” movie. It was nothing but people bopping around in the sand for half an hour, so you didn’t miss anything.

      1. LCL*

        And The Rocky Horror Picture Show
        Rollerball
        Mad Max and the Road Warrior
        The Kids Are Alright
        Gone in 60 Seconds (the original, not the one with Nic Cage)
        Warriors (the original)
        Escape From New York
        Halloween

        Yes am still old.

    11. Not Much of a Movie Watcher*

      Casablanca. Although it’s not my favorite movie, it is widely quoted, and I’m always surprised to find someone hasn’t seen it.

      Other than the Sound of Music, I haven’t seen any of the movies you mention. They are all so recent, how can you think of them as classics? (Also, some of them are from books… does that count?)

      1. SophieChotek*

        I don’t think I meant them as “classics” in that sense (if I understand your question.) — more just what was a movie you loved so much you think everyone else should see it too. I apologize if I worded it poorly.

    12. bassclefchick*

      Hands down, it would be The Breakfast Club! Though Princess Bride is right up there, too. Any of the John Hughes movies, really. But, especially Breakfast Club. I quote it all the time!

      2. Sami*

        I just posted this yesterday on my Facebook page:

        “…March 24, 1984.
        Shermer High School, Shermer, Illinois, 60062.
        Dear Mr. Vernon,
        We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. What we did *was* wrong. But we think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. What do you care? You see us as you want to see us – in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. You see us as a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Correct? That’s the way we saw each other at 7:00 this morning. We were brainwashed.”

    13. Temperance*

      I’ve never seen any of those. I also managed to avoid Star Wars (except The Empire Strikes Back) until last year.

    14. Lissa*

      I am that person for my friends. Due to a combination of fairly restrictive parents when it came to what I could watch as a kid/teen and just not being much of a movie buff, there are *many* movies that I haven’t seen. Not gonna lie, I sort of enjoy horrifying people by telling them I haven’t seen something especially when they get very dramatic about how now we can’t be friends. :D Sometimes harmless trolling amuses me.

      Seriously though, it got so bad that 4 of my friends sat together and made a list of about 50 movies that I absolutely had to see and over the course of about a year or two watched all of them with me. Many of your picks below were on it! I’m glad I watched them, mostly for the bonding experience, but still not going to ever really be a big movie fan!

      1. SophieChotek*

        I had a set of friends in undergrad where we tried this. I liked the idea but it never took off. We only got through them forcing me to watch Donnie Darko (one person’s favorite) and I think another person picked White Christmas or Holdiay Inn (forgot which)…but then we never continued.

        Hmm. maybe I should see if I could revive the idea with a new group of friends though.

    15. Woman of a Certain Age*

      This is showing my age, but “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”

      Also “Gone With the Wind,” “Vertigo,” “Psycho,” “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?,” and “American Graffiti.”

      1. SophieChotek*

        All of them except America Graffiti I’ve seen and enjoy. Just rewatched Gone with the Wind not long ago.

    16. Mimmy*

      Forrest Gump! Almost as cheesy as Titanic (see previous comments) but it is so unique and sweet at times. One of my assignments in a class a couple years ago was to do a paper on a movie that portrays disabilities, and I chose Forrest Gump. Why yes, choosing a movie that makes you cry for a class assignment was a smart idea – NOT!! lol.

  35. Annie Admin*

    I am having an issue with my best friend. We have been best friends since we were 5 (33 now) so we are pretty blunt with each other. I am finding it difficult to tell her that, no I don’t want to buy your homemade deodorant, and, no I don’t think people are going to ditch their Colgate for your homemade tooth powder. She is a stay at home mom who is bored and has a toddler with some neurological delays (which are confirmed by a doctor that with continued therapy she will catch up). She is convinced that doctors aren’t telling her everything and that everything is poisoning us. How do I tell her that just because she has done her “research” does not mean I am buying into it? I try to redirect the conversation when she starts going on and on about chemicals but it always ends back where we started.

    1. A. Non*

      Try Captain Awkward for advice. My dad tends to focus on what shows up on TV a lot, and my stock response at this point is two changes of conversation and then “Oh sorry, gotta run!”

    2. fposte*

      Things you can’t address: that she believes stuff you don’t. Things you can address: that you don’t want to purchase her stuff and that you feel like the conversation is going into an unrewarding and repetitive place. “Jane, I know this is a big thing for you, but it’s not for me, and I think we have to acknowledge this is is an area we don’t share and find something else to talk about.” To a “buy my homemade deodorant,” you say “Sorry, I’m happy with what I have. Good luck!” If she starts trash-talking what you already have, I think you can straight up say “Wow, I don’t like that. Let’s make an agreement not to trash-talk each other’s lives and choices, okay?” If she can’t agree to that, that’s a bad sign.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I do a lot of natural stuff myself and no one would be able to tell me that I HAVE try their home brewed stuff. They could offer it, as in, ASK. They could show me what they are doing. But if I HAVE to buy it, I am done with the conversation.

        You could point out to her that selling it to you is not going to mean she has a business. So it actually does not matter if you buy it or not.

        I think what would get me is being repeatedly asked/told. If you gave her a clear no already then just remind her that you have already answered that question and you will not be answering it again.

    3. Belle di Vedremo*

      Can you help with the boredom factor? That might make a big difference.

      Some ideas to get you started:

      Have play dates of your own with the toddler, take her on adventures (which could be to your own place, or out) so she’s free at home.

      Take your friend out for whatever you two have enjoyed that fits both your budgets and that gives you something specific to talk about.

      Find a book club that you’d both enjoy.

      Boredom can be deadly, most humans want a chance to talk with peers and bored ones often jump too far and too fast into the talking lane to catch up on being heard.

  36. AvonLady Barksdale*

    In case anyone has been following at home (heh– I flatter myself), my house drama seems to be… over? I have no idea. (Link for reference: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/weekend-free-for-all-march-4-5-2017.html#comment-1389153). On Monday, as I was home with The Crud, someone from the real estate office took the sign out of our yard (freaked the hell out of the dog and woke me up, dammit). Then our landlord came by with an appraiser on Wednesday (at least, I think he did– he certainly took our spare key with him), so from the looks of it, he’s decided to do a cash-out refinance and keep the house. No one has given us any kind of definitive information, of course, but now I’m just going to sit back and go about my business.

    Except for this: the freaking lockbox is still on our door. I figured I would hear from them (either the landlord or the real estate agent) after a couple of days, but… nothing. I have to decide whether to contact the real estate agent’s office directly or ask my landlord to do it. I just want that damn thing off our door and I want our original spare key back. Harrumph. Any ideas or suggestions?

    Part of me realllllly wants to know what the discussions were between the landlord and his agent, who is supposedly a long-time, very good friend. Current speculation is that she showed the place to three people and the feedback she got was along the lines of, “You want HOW much for THIS place? And I can’t do anything with it until these tenants are out NEXT SUMMER? Um, no.” But that’s just me.

    1. neverjaunty*

      Tell the real estate agent she has 24 hours to get it out of there or you will be taking it off with bolt cutters?

      1. Colette*

        That’s a bad idea when it’s own a house you don’t own. The house may still be up for sale for that matter. (Probably not, but it’s an assumption).

    2. Myrin*

      Do continue to flatter yourself because I’ve been totally following this whole saga from the start! Thanks for the regular life updates!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Ha, thanks! :) It certainly helps to get all of this frustration out via the interwebs, especially to such a smart group of people.

    3. Mimmy*

      I’ve been following along too, Myrin, and am just dumbfounded as to how unhelpful these people have been. Sure, the transaction is between the landlord and real estate agent, but I think they should’ve given you the courtesy of at least keeping you in the loop.

      I hope that lock box is gone soon!

  37. anonymous for this*

    I read a bit in the archives today and came across a question that involves nail biting…

    Now, my gross habit isn’t EXACTLY that, but close – it certainly involves putting my fingertips to my mouth constantly – , and I’m perfectly aware that it’s gross and have been trying to shake it for pretty much all my life.
    In December I came up with the idea of thin summer gloves – I would be able to wear them pretty much all the time.
    I immediately got a set of such thin gloves and it worked really well for me, at least for a while. I admittedly wore them less and less after about two weeks, but just today (after reading the post about nail biting) I started to wear them again.
    Of all the things I tried they worked best, and I feel that if I manage to keep wearing them for about a month I might well be able to shake the habit after all.

    This as a tip to all who are also trying to break that habit.

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      You might want to look into something called exposure and response prevention – there are apps for it.

      By the way, it sounds like you’re doing great. You know what triggered you this time and that’s brilliant. Maybe start to make a note of triggers – what they are, what happens e.g. how you feel – and plan what to do in those moments?

  38. A. Non*

    What’s the one thing you absolutely could not do without in your bedroom? I’m adulting slowly but surely, and it came up that I need a floor lamp, so I got one… but now I’m looking at my (minimalist) bedroom and wondering.

    1. PollyQ*

      I think it’s fine to have a minimalist bedroom, especially if you only sleep in it. Most of my adilt life, all I had was a bed, a bedside table (for the alarm clock), and a dresser. My current bedroom is larger than in previous apartments, plus there’s no hall closet or storage in the bathroom, so now I’ve also got some more storage pieces for towels & sheets and various beauty products, plus a couple of bookcases.

      I don’t see this as an “adulting” issue, just a personal preference.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      A fan. Seriously, I cannot sleep without one. It’s cheaper than those white noise things. I can’t sleep if it’s noisy or if it’s too quiet.

      I put my old TV in the bedroom, but I almost never watch anything in there. That would probably change if I had a boyfriend, as snuggling to watch a film would be more comfy. Also, I might need to move the PS2 in there because it looks like crap on the new TV.

    4. Mallory Janis Ian*

      A bedside table, preferably with drawers, with a lamp on it. I like having a chest of drawers, but if I had to get rid of one thing and go minimalist, I could probably use the night stand with drawers for my clothes, as long as I had my hanging closet storage things (sweater organizer and hanging shoe storage).

    5. Becca*

      Since I wear glasses, the one thing I can’t do without in my bedroom (aside from a bed) would be a nightstand or a low dresser next to the bed. If you already have a place to store your clothes, though, you really don’t need anything else except lighting! One thing I have liked in the past is art/photos on the walls or something else personal, but that’s a preference. If you like your bedroom how it is, don’t worry about changing it. It’s yours :)

    6. Natalie*

      Curtains that are sheer enough to block the view of any nakedness, but still let light in.

      Plants. But I have plants in every room of my house, so…

      1. Sugar of lead*

        Whatever apparatus you need to organize laundry and clothing. Mine ends up in salad form and/or on the floor.

        Also if your bedroom feels empty, get some posters or prints for the walls. They brighten the place up without creating clutter.

  39. Anonyme*

    About 2 months ago I asked for advice on driving cross-country with multiple cats. I ended up getting the recommended Feliway and it was great! I also decided to use a carrier for a large dog. This let me put a covered litter box inside it, and left lots of space for them to move around during the driving. Then I just transferred them to a small carrier to get into the hotel room.

  40. cajun lady*

    My 15 year old grumpy old lady cat is refusing to use the litter box! The vet believes it is stress related and didn’t see anything wrong physically with her. I am at my wits end! A little background…. In August my home flooded. My family (4 of us plus 1 cat and 1 dog) packed up the cars and drove to my sister’s house when the water started to come up our driveway. At 3 in the morning, the water came up so fast that we had to evacuate my sister’s house and walk in waist deep water to where my dad and a friend were waiting to rescue us. We were unable to get the cat when we left. She was hiding and if we didn’t leave we would have been in serious danger. I was sick for 2 days over it. When we could make it back she was ok. The house had 6 feet of water and she must have gotten on top of a cabinet because she was hungry but dry. We moved into my parent’s house with my family and my sister’s family. The cat was not happy. We were able to rent a small one bedroom condo on a short term lease while our house was being repaired. 5 months later we were back home. Last month our 13 year old Boston terrier had to be put down due to kidney failure. The cat hated that dog the moment we brought him home as a puppy and tried to pick a fight with him every chance she got. About a week or two after we put the dog down she stopped using the litter box. I thought that maybe she didn’t like where we put it (due to some changes we made in the rebuild the pre-flood litter box location is not useable) so I tried moving it. She still will not use it. Instead she goes behind my bed that I cannot just move to clean it up. I have to move the mattress and reach between slats to get it. Anyone have any advise to get her to use the box again? She is strictly an inside cat so putting her out is not an option. Sorry it’s so long but I don’t know how to ease her anxiety so I don’t have to clean up cat poop and pee all over the house!

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Aw, it sounds like she’s stressed over all the changes. Have you tried Felliway? It helps a lot of cats calm down. I’d do Felliway and lots and lots of attention.

        1. Gadfly*

          Sentry (a company that does similar pheromone type things) makes “calming collars” that worked really well for my nervous cat (he freaked out when we moved, and he gets urine crystals easily, especially when stressed, so it is something I have to watch closely) I like it better than the sprays or the plug-in air freshener style things since it stays with him rather than filling the house with the pheromones.

    2. Turtlewings*

      Poor thing, she’s been through so much change and stress that I’m not surprised. My cat used to go all over the place, and one piece of advice that helped was this: if she has a specific place that she keeps pooping, either just put her litterbox there — or her food bowl! Rare is the cat that will poop in/near her own food. I doubt it’s feasible to put a litterbox under your bed, but it might not be too hard to slide her food bowl in and out? That, or completely block her access to the area. In her current state, her answer to any of this might just be to pick a different spot, but maybe it’ll at least be one that’s easier to clean. (I also tended to put puppy training pads in places my cat used a lot, which made cleanup a lot easier.)

    3. Ktelzbeth*

      My two cats have not been through nearly what yours have, but they like options. With three litter boxes, they use the boxes. With fewer, they make their own options. What’s particularly odd is if both litter boxes with covers are covered, they use the floor, but if one is uncovered, they use both the covered and the uncovered one. You could try having more than one litter box.

  41. qwerty*

    So…this hasn’t been the best week for London (although reactions to the events of Wednesday have been pretty life-affirming). Someone in a Whatsapp group I’m in sent a video (I’m not sure if he filmed it himself or if he got it second-hand) of footage from Westminster Bridge, and it contained images of the person who was crushed under the bus. There wasn’t even a warning or anything. It was…a shock, to say the least.

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      I know I find it really to cope with something like that when I feel ambushed by it / don’t get any warning. I’m so sorry.

    4. Bex*

      WHO DOES THAT???

      Seriously though, who does that? Especially with no warning! What a horribly insensitive person.

  42. LawCat*

    Thanks to everyone who commented about what crafty/artistic hobbies they have. I have given candle making a go and am enjoying it. I made a bunch of colored, scented candles last weekend. They’ve been curing all week and smell really good. The colors turned out great. I’m going to burn one today! They were super fun to make and I look forward to my next batch :-)

    1. Allypopx*

      Yay! Every christmas I think about taking up candle making and giving them as gifts but I haven’t gotten around to it. I’m glad you’re enjoying your crafting!

  43. Bianca*

    Is getting a pet worth it?

    I never had a pet growing up, and always wanted one when I had my own place. But I read here (and hear from pet-owning people) about how much expense and effort goes into owning a cat or dog, and also how much heartache there is when they get sick or have to be put down. So now even though I’m in a position to actually get a pet, I’m unsure as to whether it’d be a good idea…

    1. Turtlewings*

      It’s honestly something you can only discover for yourself. Pets are absolutely a lot of trouble and expense, but I wouldn’t give up the love I’ve shared with my pets for anything. You might find that you’re not that into it, though. Before committing to a pet, you might try fostering; animal shelters are always looking for foster homes, and if you realize it’s just not working out, it’s a lot easier to just tell them you want to end the foster arrangement, rather than trying to re-home a pet that has no one but you to fall back on.

    2. Marcela*

      Absolutely, no question, fully 100%, YES. They WILL break your heart, but that has never been an argument not to love people, specially our grandparents who usually are the first to die in our lifetime.

      The company they give is amazing. Discovering that you can communicate with something so different from yourself is magical. They love you and understand when you are down, they stay with you when you are happy. They give you a reason to keep going when you need one. They annoy you, sure, too, and they need money for vets, food, toys. They will make a mess at home, and wake you up at 4 because the automagic feeder is not working because you forgot to change the batteries. But then you will look at them, and they will purr or wag their tail just because of that, and well, your heart will be all soft and warm.

      I spent 10 years without a cat. I felt I was dying, like my full body was a hole. Now I have my Curu and even if he is meowing non stop to convince me to give him more Temptations, I love him so much I do not care about the pain I will suffer. I just dream that things will be like in Narnia, that when you die you go to meet everybody you loved (and, just as a matter of record, this was the main reason I left the catholic church when I was a very young teenager: their official position was that no animals went to heaven. Why would I want to go there then?).

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      It’s expensive and it’s work, for sure, but owning a pet can bring so much joy. I always wanted a dog, and while I knew I was ready and had the right lifestyle for it, I wasn’t really prepared for the whole thing. But I dove right in, and I wouldn’t change a thing. Our dog and I bonded in a way that was completely unexpected. He is my buddy, my bestest friend, and even though I know he won’t be around forever, I am so happy that he came into my life. He can be the most frustrating being on the planet (he is a stubborn dude), he can be annoying, he can drive me crazy, but he is also loving and calming and sweet. He doesn’t cuddle as much as I would like, his breath stinks, and he screams to get what he wants, but he also gives me hugs and kisses when I get home, loves to lie down on my feet, and makes the cutest little noises when he has doggy dreams.

      All that said, I have two bits of advice: don’t get a puppy, and adopt from a rescue that fosters. Puppies are cute, but they are WORK (like, up four times in the middle of the night). Fostering rescues can give you a great idea of a dog’s temperament and personality.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Ooh, seconding the advice not to get a puppy! Way too overwhelming for a first-time pet owner. Get a grown cat or dog, they’ll be so much calmer and less destructive.

        1. blackcat*

          Yeah, kittens are also destructive little pests. And you really need two unless they’re over 6 months old–otherwise, they may never really learn to not bite and scratch.

          1. Lily Evans*

            I had planned on adopting a kitten or a really young cat at first, but then I visited the shelter and my older cat basically chose me. I was extra glad I didn’t choose a kitten when my parents adopted two around the same time and they were little monsters! I never would have gotten my security deposit back with either of them running around!

          2. tigerStripes*

            Kittens get into everything and like walking right where you are going to step. They’re wonderful, but last time I adopted, I adopted an adult cat, and it was soooo much easier. I also think I got to know more about him before I adopted him because the adoption place knew more about his personality (I think their personalities are more noticeable when they’re adults). I also think adult cats are sometimes more grateful.

            For selecting a pet, my advice is to get a healthy young adult animal who is gentle and sweet and good at using the litterbox or (if a dog) good at letting you know it needs to go outside. Talk to the people at the adoption place – some of them will have records about the animal’s behavior and attitude. Also, sometimes the shy ones can be really sweet once they warm up to you. As someone who has not always made the best choices with pets, I’d say, spend some time with the animal before you decide to take it home. Try to find an animal who decides he/she likes you.

    4. Bad Candidate*

      They can be expensive, they can be a pain in the butt, and it’s heartbreaking to lose them, but I’d never not want to live without them. They are so very much worth it.

    5. Mephyle*

      I think it’s a lot like the decision to have kids, in many ways. There’s love, there’s heartache, there’s expense and effort, and there’s an end to being able to take trips spontaneously.

      1. TheLazyB*

        Yeah! I’ve also been thinking about this question recently, but when i saw it written here, my first thought was pretty much ‘yeah, true, but i had a kid….’ :)

      2. Mephyle*

        One big difference is this: with pets, your responsibility for them lasts as long as their lifetime, and you know from the beginning that some day down the road, you will have to say goodbye, and perhaps make a difficult decision.
        With human children, if all goes well they will be independent one day, and if the universe is kind and follows the normal order of things, it will be they, not you who mourn.

    6. The IT Manager*

      I don’t think so. I had an outdoor dog as a child, but I never had a pet as an adult. I was in the military and I didn’t want the worry of what to do with a pet for deployments or TDYs.

      I think I’m more of a dog person, but the idea of arranging my life to walk a dog twice a day and to walk in the rain or cold because it’s necessary put me off. (If I had a back yard and a doggy door maybe.)

      Cats seem more self-sufficient but they still need attention, care, and food.

      They’re just not worth it to me for the companionship. OTOH I’m better at being on my own than a lot of people.

      1. BBBizAnalyst*

        I agree. I was contemplating getting a puppy a few months ago but what it came down to is I really don’t want to rearrange my life for one (scheduling walks, puppy proofing my already awesome apartment, finding a sitter for when I travel, etc.)

    7. Dizzy Steinway*

      I think it depends so much on the individual. I love having a pet and when I’ve not had one it’s seemed very strange and lonely to come home to a house without one. My cat is like a puppy and I wouldn’t be without him.

    8. LawCat*

      Our cat is my spouse’s first pet. He’s now a crazy cat lady :-)

      It was an expensive and emotional struggle when our cat got cancer, but no regrets on having el gato in our lives.

    9. Cruciatus*

      I agree that it’s something you have to figure out for yourself. And you need to find the right pet and right personality for you. I may be the person you just read about who had to put their cat down. It sucks. I’m sad. But I’m OK. We still have two other cats and are in no rush to replace the one who died. But I love having them around. As I think about moving out into my own home, I think about how long I should wait before I find another cat who needs a home. But my cats have always provided (on their terms) companionship, something to look forward to coming home to at the end of the day, something to care for (which I enjoy), play with, nap with, etc. Even knowing that I will likely outlive them, I will always have a pet of some sort in my home. But that’s right for me. I think it’s hard to explain the benefits without actually living in it. If you’re interested, people had good ideas about fostering, or maybe you could pet sit while someone is on vacation.

    10. Temperance*

      Honestly, for me, the answer is yes. I lost my favorite pet back in January, and I don’t regret bringing him home, ever. Pets for me equal boundless joy, and they made us into a family. I am a ferret person, though. Cats are easier, I think. I haven’t been able to commit to a dog because of their walk requirements.

    11. Spoonie*

      I agree with everyone else that an adult pet would be much less stressful. I adopted two dogs (at different points) who were 6 or 7 at time of adoption. Puppies are adorable. But they are tons of work. I knew I wanted a dog with an easygoing attitude, not super high energy. Happy to cuddle on the couch and go for walks (not long runs). I didn’t want a dog that needed a ton of exercise and tons of attention.

      In looking for both dogs, I had a list of things I wanted, and then I met the dogs at the rescue that met those qualifications. It wasn’t an overnight, immediate thing. From there it was a matter of which dog I felt I connected with best. In the case of dog #2, he also had to connect with the existing dog. I took my time and selected both dogs carefully. If you go down this path, it is a responsibility that you shouldn’t take lightly.

    12. Hrovitnir*

      Pets are amazing, but if you don’t have a strong drive to have one I don’t think you should. You can still play with friends animals, but if you’re not fully dedicated you’re much more likely to resent any behavioral issues or emergency expenses or how they limit your life (especially dogs – no staying after work, planning everything around them).

      They are wonderful but it’s like having kids, you should ideally be passionate about doing the best by them and if you’re on the fence I think it’s a smart and caring decision not to take on a potentially 20 year commitment.

    13. Amtelope*

      I can’t imagine my life without cats — they are such a source of companionship and affection and laughter (right now we have a kitten who is a little clown.) It’s sad when you eventually lose them, but only because you come to love them so much.

      Seconding everyone who says to get an adult cat or dog, though. Raising a kitten to be a well-socialized adult is a lot of work and requires understanding cat behavior. I didn’t have a dog as a kid, so if I ever get one, it’ll be an adult dog — I know I don’t know enough about dogs to raise a puppy to be a good canine citizen.

    14. Al Lo*

      We have a cat, partly because we got her when we lived in a farmhouse with mice and needed a creature to keep the littler creatures at bay. I’ve always been a cat person for lifestyle reasons, though. I like having the bond with an animal and having a weird, amusing, cuddly critter in the house, but I don’t have the time or lifestyle for a dog that needs to be walked. We like that cats are much lower maintenance, and we can go away for a few days without worrying about her, and that our schedule isn’t tied to her walks. My husband and I both work in theatre and have odd hours, so being home at a specific time every day isn’t going to happen.

      All that to say, think about the lifestyle you have and how a pet fits into that. For us, a dog just isn’t right at this point, but a cat is great.

    15. Gadfly*

      I’ve never not had one, and I am telling myself when the cats go (they are only 10) that it is time for a break. We’ll see. I also told my husband he can pick the next ones.

    16. New Window*

      It takes effort, it costs money, and you know from Day 1 will eventually need to say goodbye someday. If you end up loving them, you will grow to love them and there will be joy and sadness and you will be glad they were in your life.
      ↑
      That describes pets, family, friends, significant others, and potted plants (well, there may be some people out there who get that attached to their potted geraniums).

      I have had pets off and on throughout my life. I “learned to adult” without a pet. I have a cat now. It’s annoying that sometimes to have to worry about her feeding schedule when I want to go out, and now whenever I travel somewhere I need to have a kind friend or an extra budget for boarding her. But it is entirely worth it. She makes me laugh and comforts me and eats the spiders and bugs that would otherwise terrorize me.

      I second the ideas about fostering and/or adult animals. Do you have friends or acquaintances with pets? Volunteer to watch them the next time they need a pet sitter; it gives you an idea of what the work side is like. Tip: start with friends whose pets are friendly to you.

      Also, there are other pet animals than dogs and cats. I had a hamster when I was a kid, and a friend had gerbils. They can be friendly, and they only live for a few years (both a plus and a minus if you’re new to pets).

      I would recommend spending some time reading up on different pet types and (if applicable) breeds. It can give you a more specific idea of what the day-to-day needs are.

    17. TheLazyB*

      My sister and her housemate are signed up to a website called borrowmydoggy and regularly borrow doggies. I met the latest one the other night, a miniature dachshund that is the most beautiful dog I’ve ever seen. Might be an option to do something like that? (We’re in the UK)

    18. Rebecca*

      I love animals, and have an elderly Black Lab and several cats. When my dear dog crosses the bridge, I’m not getting another dog. It’s a lot of work, and if I have to stay late at work, I worry about him not being able to go outside and suffering (and making messes on the floor). Cats are not as time consuming, but if they can have issues too, like my dear Lily. She’s 4 years old, and was diagnosed with terrible kidney function, so I have to feed her separately from the others.

      My advice, as a lifelong pet owner, is to look at your circumstances. Does it make sense to get a dog? What is your work schedule like? Do you have to work a lot of unplanned overtime or travel a lot? If you don’t have other members in your household, a dog might not be the best choice. I’d also recommend an adult cat. Our shelters are full of them here, and you can avoid the silly kitten stage if you wish.

      Good luck!

    19. another person*

      You could try fostering pets for a while to see if you would like it? Then it’s more of a short-term commitment, but lets you see roughly the lifestyle changes that would occur. I have a lot of friends that foster cats because they aren’t able to make a long-term committment (know they will be moving out of the country in a couple of years) and just continuously foster various cats from a local rescue group.

  44. Marcela*

    I need to ask for your knowledge again, friends. Do any of you have of an optic or brand of frames specifically aimed to petite people? I just got my new glasses, 20 minutes ago, and their legs are SO long I just feel like a child wearing an adult’s glasses. I measured the difference and it’s a full inch between the top pf my ear and the point where the leg starts to curve. Of course when I asked the technician to adjust them, she did it a bit, but 1 full inch?! She did not dare to go beyond that and told me to come back later if I had any problem. Considering they are plastic, I do not dare to take my pliers and just bend them.

    As I grow old, I’m starting to find more and more difficult to live in a world where nothing is adjusted for me. Almost everything I use is for taller people, and I not even that short! (5 2″). I used to accept there was nothing to be done, because I did not have the money to do anything else, but now I just cannot believe I cannot get my dammed glasses, which costed me $170 (although part of this covered the tests: it just wasn’t clear until I got the bill), in my proper size! Help, please?

    1. Ktelzbeth*

      I’ve had metal wire frames that the technician has felt comfortable bending as far as needed. Then they remove the plastic ear cushion piece, clip off the extra wire, and slip back on the plastic.

    2. fposte*

      That sounds like you just need to know your preferred range for temple length and choose frames accordingly. (Ditto for frame width and bridge, though you didn’t mention those.) Grab a pair of glasses that *does* fit you and see what the temple length is–it should be written on the inside of one of the temples, and it’ll be the three-digit number.

      1. Marcela*

        I have never had a pair of glasses that fit on the legs length :( And I have gotten glasses in 4 different countries, so I am not sure all of them have the number (I looked at the very long ones now and they do, but this is my first American pair).

        1. fposte*

          Ugh, pinching glasses are the worst–I remember that from childhood.

          I don’t know whether they can fix your existing pair, but what I’d do is try on glasses with shorter temples and see if you can find a range that works for you in the future (keep in mind frame width may play a role here too). And maybe look at Zenni or Warby Parker or other online merchants to see if you can get an inexpensive pair that fits better in the mean time–some of those sites may even allow you to search by temple length.

          1. Marcela*

            Amazon to the rescue (hopefully). There are small pieces of silicone or plastic that go into the temples and supposedly help with the fit. I got one. I’ll see if this helps while I manage to get frames my size. Thank you for all the ideas and the knowledge (I called them legs, some people call them arms, in truth they are called temples).

    3. Mimmy*

      That doesn’t sound right – I would think the optician would WANT to properly fit you, not just give you frames where the legs are far too long for you. I’m petite also and sometimes the end feels like it’s hitting my neck when I turn my head, but this hasn’t been a huge issue.

      1. Marcela*

        That’s why I’m asking if perhaps I’m just looking at the wrong brands, types, whatever. I can’t understand that when I selected the frame, they did not tell me “this cannot be fully adjusted to your temple length”. I asked them then if that particular frame was going to be adjusted, because my old glasses are now in a point where they fall if I incline my head. They said sure, when I got my real glasses, they would adjust them for me. And today, well, they bended them a little, but there is still a full inch of leg going out of my head. You can actually see the legs sticking out of my pixie haircut!

        1. Ally*

          I’ve had so much trouble with this that when I moved to my new city I actually called several places before making my first optician’s appointment to ask if they stocked ranges of frames that fit petite faces. I’ve found that it is (sadly) often only expensive designer frame ranges that make small frames, and that you have to have an optician who is really willing to take the time to fit them to your face. I am not sure which of the numbers on the frame are the relevant one, but my glasses have the following on them: 48 : 16-130

            1. Marcela*

              Mine (new pair) is 145. I don’t know exactly how to measure them, but that’s way too long.

            2. Mimmy*

              I just looked and my old glasses are 130 and my new ones are 135. No wonder they feel so long!!

              Just out of curiosity, what are the other two numbers?

    4. amanda_cake*

      I have Nine West glasses. I am short and they look quite nice. I have gotten a lot of compliments on them. The legs aren’t too long.

    5. LisaLee*

      The eyewear store I use, SEE Eyewear, just introduced a line of petite frames. They’ve only got a few stores scattered around the country though. They can also be a bit pricey depending on the style you pick, but they often run groupons (pay $35 for a $200 credit, that sort of thing) and if you sign up for their mailing list you get a $150 off $250 coupon.

      1. Marcela*

        There are two in the bay area close enough. Good to know about prices, but at this point I just do not care: I just need glasses that fit. I am very careful, though, I haven’t broken not even a single pair in the 20 years I have been wearing them.

        1. Small glasses*

          Since I see you’re in the Bay Area, I use Drs. Hall & Szeto in SF’s Financial District. I like them generally and have a pair of Kliik frames (a Danish brand) from them that fit my small head. Per the upthread discussion, the temple length is listed as 135.

    6. Clever Name*

      I’m pretty small, and I have a small head. I’m currently wearing Vera Bradley plastic frames. I’ve also had good luck with frames made for older kids.

      1. Violet Strange*

        I’m not very small, but I’m wearing Ray Ban frames which are 135 and super comfortable.

  45. salad fingers*

    I went to a blog meetup for the first time yesterday! I really went for my boyfriend – I am a casual reader of this blog and he is a fairly fanatical reader of it. It was adorable! I have never seen my super introverted, anxious boyfriend so in his element and enjoying the company of others. People knew each other from the comment section and numbers and emails were exchanged. I felt bad for the author of the blog, who was surrounded by like 50 adoring fans when we walked in. She was, however, completely on and friendly and inviting (she even came from across the room, grabbed my arm and said, “Why do you look lost? No one should look lost here” and pulled me into the conversation). Boyfriend was really cute and nervous before we left, and when we walked in, he made us walk past the event and sit on the other side of the bar for 10 minutes to acclimate and observe. Once he walked over and started talking to the first person who greeted him, he calmed down and had a ton of fun.

    Anyway, I’ve always wondered what a blog meetup is like and now I have a better sense. Has anyone else gone to this sort of thing before?

    1. Lily Evans*

      I’ve never been to one before, but I’m going to my first one soon! One of my favorite travel bloggers happens to be having a meetup in London during the week I’m there and I’m really excited to be able to go!

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I dont go to specific meetups for a blog but via the forums I am on I do tend to end up meeting other members at shows. It makes it very handy to have another person (or several) to meet up with on the rail, hold the line when things get ugly, or have a drink before/after. Its a ton of fun and makes a gig so much more memorable.

      Haven’t we had discussions on here about AAM city meetups? I think that would be cool.

    4. CAA*

      I went to a podcast meetup once. It was pretty awesome to find a bunch of people who are just like me. :-)

    5. Christy*

      I actually just met one of my blog friends for the first time last night! We’ve been friends for like 5 years and she was looking at the law school attached to my undergrad, so I drove down to give her the tour! It was super awesome.

      We now have totally abandoned the blog for a private facebook group. There’s 19 of us and I’ve met 12 of the others now, and I’ll meet another this summer while her husband is working in my city!

      I can’t advocate enough for meeting up irl with your internet friends.

    6. Mrs. Fenris*

      I belong to a very large and relatively old professional database/message board. Somebody organized a local get together for the first time about 10 years ago. It was pretty cool because the site uses real names, but they didn’t have profile pictures. It was a surreal experience even to see what each other looked like. Over time, some Facebook groups evolved that were mostly people from that site, and I went to a couple of those meetups. It was like having a close-knit IRL social group that just came into being out of nowhere. I have several pictures of people hanging out together having a great time, when most of them had never been in the same room until a few minutes before.

  46. setsuko*

    Thanks for all the comments on how to get through the two week wait before I can do a pregnancy test. We have been getting fertility treatment after trying for 18 months, so it is a looong wait.

    The best decision I made was to break out some really exciting books (Robin Hobb) that I have been saving, even though the last book in the trilogy is not published yet. It helps the weekends to fly by! I have also tried to organise lots of socialising and long walks, both of which I find very tiring.

    I have not been too successful and staying offline, but I have zero potential pregnancy symptoms this month, so there is not much to Google. Then again, I have had symptoms before and never been pregnant. So maybe a lack of symptoms is the best sign of early pregnancy ;)

    2. Lore*

      Assassin’s Fate comes out in early May so not too long to wait. (Also, that means it’s going to be printed and in the warehouse by early April so if you happen to live in a big city you might be able to pick one up earlier than the on sale at a bookstore that gets reviewers copies–like the Strand in NYC. My library system also sometimes starts lending the week before the actual on sale date if there are a lot of holds.)

    3. Jessesgirl72*

      Fingers crossed!

      WHEN you have a successful pregnancy, I have an awesome Etsy store to direct you to for cute onesies, and she gives discounts for infertility babies. My order came this week, and I love them, even if my husband thinks “Worth Every Penny” will give the baby a complex. ;)

      The waiting doesn’t really get any easier. First you wait for the EPT, then the blood test, then the first ultrasound, then the 12 week mark (and we had a huge scare with our surrogate at 12 weeks and 2 days. Srsly) then the 16/17 week scans, then the 21/22 week scans… and now we’re at 22 weeks (as of today) and into the lonnng wait with nothing except basic gynecological exams until week 30/31…

    4. Newby*

      If you like Robin Hobb, you may like Brandon Sanderson or Brent Weeks (if you run out of books to read).

  47. Sunflower*

    So I’m talking to my therapist next week about a psychiatrist recommendation so I can look into starting depression and/or anxiety meds. I’ve tried lexapro and pristiq and neither did anything for me. I’d really like to try another SSRI and maybe get a Xanax prescription for when I experience my acute attacks(which happens rarely but are really bad when they do).

    I’m nervous because I have a lot of confusion surrounding my anxiety and depression. I can’t tell if it’s situational or if I already have this messed up chemistry in my brain that makes the situation feel so much worse than it should.

    My friends(including the ones who also have anxiety) have told me I’m one of the most anxious people they know. They can’t understand how my brain moves 100 miles a minute trying to prepare for every situation or why I get so worked up about things that have a 1% chance of happening(even though it all feels very real to me)

    For people who have been on anxiety medication, what prompted you to try them? Did you feel that something was just off in your brain or were you going through an outside situation that was causing issues? Do you think this effects how they work and which one you should be taking?

    1. Kj*

      I was forced on to psych meds as a teen. Not the best way to go on them, but I found my anti anxiety pill a life saver when I was a teen. I took a tiny dose of Seraquel which is an atypical antipsychotic; in small doses it is used for anxiety. I never took a full pill, just halves, quarters and eighths. It was so helpful for getting through things. Once I got through high school and my first year of college I didn’t need it any more. My therapist and I had worked had on anxiety reduction and I was in a better place so I didn’t need it. I am glad I used it back then though.

      I took the Seraquel because I also had sucideal ideation and you can’t OD on it. It is also not addictive. I think my anxiety was equal parts genes and situation; however the fact that some of the anxiety was sitautional didn’t negate my needs for meds. I am glad I wasn’t taking an opiate as I feared addiction.

      1. Gadfly*

        We’re going through this with our teen. On one hand the studies aren’t there to really convince his dad (who is an RN, not just a reflexive meds=bad response) that they are safe or effective for teens, and he doesn’t want to be on them which we want to respect, but he is also getting to a place where something has to change and we’re having a hard time finding therapists who aren’t heavily pro-medicate him (most of the ones who aren’t don’t work with non-adults) and I’m really at a loss for what to do with him. He needs something to help break out of things and give him room to be able to work on the stuff that is causing him anxiety and depression.

        1. Kj*

          That is really hard-working in addition to being a formerly medicated teen, I am now a therapist specializing in kids (yes, those early experiences are a reason why). A few thoughts on therapy/meds, from both those perspectives (although this is not meant as medical advice):

          Meds, if used, should be an adjunct to therapy. Most treatment for anxiety should involve exposure therapy; the problem with that is exposure therapy is awful, even if you are motivated to do it. Meds reduce some of the terribleness and make it easier for a kid to do the needed exposure. If the situation involves school refusal, I will really encourage the family to use meds as school refusal has bad consequences that are long lasting and wide ranging.

          CBT+ is a great treatment for teens and kids with anxiety. Harborview Hospital has great free resources on it; http://depts.washington.edu/hcsats/PDF/TF-%20CBT/pages/cbt_anxiety.html

          Finding child and teen therapists is hard; one way that I’d suggest is calling your nearest children’s hospital and asking them for help. They get kids from 100s of miles around and are a great resource for providers that work with kids. Schools also sometimes know providers.

          Good luck to you and your family. I’m sorry things are so tough.

          1. Gadfly*

            Thanks! And he is dealing with school refusal (although the special school he is in and his IEP mean they are bending over backward to work with him.) I’ll share the tips with his dad (I’m stepmom, so at the end of the day his dad needs to be the one making the call and has the relationship established with him to do the hard things. It just is extra hard where a lot of this was hidden for years when he was in his mom’s custody and her issues-borderline personality disorder was recently diagnosed among other things– kind of hid his and his dad is trying to also establish some trust. He’s been with us full time for 2.5 years and part time for a few years before that and I’ve maybe gotten more than five words out of him a dozen times, max. He seems okay with me and we get along one on one for things, but if he is talking to his dad and I enter the room, he’ll leave mid-sentence sometimes. And on the other hand he gets very engaged and loud when playing online.)

    2. 30ish*

      Can’t answer regarding anxiety, but when I was diagnosed with depression I was at first convinced it was situational. I tried meds because the psychiatrist said he’d really recommend that I try them. I knew I wasn’t feeling OK so I gave it shot. About six weeks later (took some time for the meds to really fully work) I was starting to feel quite happy – under the exact same outside circumstances. This is still the case a few months later (still on the meds with very few side effects).
      I ultimately think there’s no clear line between “situational” and “something off in the brain”. The two may reinforce each other and you may be able to address something situational better by helping your brain with meds. Good luck!

    3. mreasy*

      I have a prescription for Klonopin that I take when I feel a panic attack coming on. It has honestly changed my whole life for the better: an attack that would ruin my whole day or a few days with weeping, hyperventilating, sweating, pulse-racing anxiety is now smoothed out within an hour by the medication. Just knowing I have it is hugely soothing. But – I am bipolar and I had more panic attacks and anxiety when my overall medication (SSRI plus mood stabilizer) wasn’t quite right. So perhaps your doctor will want to keep adjusting the depression medication while providing an anxiety solution for as-needed use meanwhile? I hope that you get the help that you need. Anxiety & panic is such an overwhelming, depleting, and disabling condition. I feel for you!

    4. Reba*

      Hi Sunflower, one of the tricky things about these illnesses is that they can be simultaneously chemical/internal *and* situational. From what little you’ve said it sounds like it might be some of each for you. My person recently started on meds after a really low period (that was objectively stressful) and a few episodes that they were reluctant to describe as “panic attacks” but really fit that. Have known for a long time that they deal with extra anxiety, but only recently realized as we looked back over the past decade how that’s shaped decisions, moves, jobs—and lots of experiences that anxiety effectively stole from us. One thing that also helped in finally leaning towards trying meds was learning that while meds+therapy is the best protocol, meds alone probably work better than talk therapy alone—that made it feel like medication was definitely worth trying. The medication they started is really working well for them, they describe it as “having better armor.”

      I hope that you find something that works for you and helps you get into a better place.

  48. Buffy*

    I just discovered Sun a Records, a mini-series about the Million Dollar Quartet. I’m a huge Elvis fan – and the actor who plays Elvis is INCREDIBLE. He should be the only one allowed to play him. Other actors tend to exaggerate his mannerisms like a cartoon.

    1. jamlady*

      Ha! My guilty pleasure – I’ve seen the live show 6 times and follow a few of the actors on Facebook. The first show I saw in its early run on Broadway had the best Elvis by far. The only time I didn’t love the Elvis actor was when an understudy played him in Vegas, and it honestly felt like they grabbed the first impersonator they could find off the street. It was very cringey.

  49. Update on he wants a baby*

    I’ve started individual therapy and am maybe doing a bit better, but am still struggling. There were a lot of frustrations in our relationship even before the baby issue brought things to a head. I went off my antidepressant when we started trying to conceive. It may or may not have been my best decision, but I hadn’t had an episode of depression in many years and had other risk factors for problematic outcomes that I couldn’t control. This felt like the one thing I could. I think I need to go back on, but am dreading how sick adjusting the dose always makes me for a couple weeks or a month. I’m also trying to decide whether to start up on my own (I found the bottle in the back of the cabinet while looking for something else) or be a good patient and see my doctor first. That appointment isn’t for a couple weeks, though, with not much possibility of changing it.

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      I’d definitely advise talking to a doctor before restarting meds. If you’re in the U.K. (I don’t think you are but just in case) you could request an emergency appointment or call 111.

      1. Update on he wants a baby*

        There are ways I could get in sooner–either with someone else or by cancelling my client(s) to make a big enough hole to stick an appointment in when my doctor’s free, but I’m not there. If I even start getting close, I know I do have options, though.

    2. Hrovitnir*

      Aw, yeah, (re)adjusting to SSRIs blows. Just wanted to say I wish you lots of luck with all the stuff going on in your life right now.

    3. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Talk to the doctor first. Sometimes the same meds are not as effective the second time around. Spent a few years taking one med, stopped for a couple years then ended up having to go back on them. But needed a stronger dose as it didn’t work as well in the sequel. Doc told me it’s a known issue with antidepressants. Not sure how common it is but please keep this in mind if you are going back to the same meds/dosage.

  50. Mira*

    I just came across this post on Boredpanda about what happened when a woman was fired from Cracker Barrel and her husband wrote to them on social media to ask why. I know that after months of reading AAM, I should be horrified, but the serial escalation by the internet mob just makes the whole thing so outrageously hilarious…

    What do you guys think?

    Here’s the link, for reference: http://www.boredpanda.com/brads-wife-fired-cracker-barrel/
    (It really IS hilarious.)

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I saw that and was amused by the reaction.
      I really don’t care for Cracker Barrel. They have a long history of discrimination of various sorts and their food is very bland and gross.

    2. Chickaletta*

      It’s so random what the internet latches on to. Companies spend thousands of dollars to get this kind of attention on the internet and fail, yet, here it happens once again by complete accident. If the marketing team at the Barrel has two braincells to rub together, they’d think of something creative and ride this wave to shore.

      1. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

        I haven’t done much research on this but when I first heard about it, I thought it WAS a marketing ploy.

      1. Gadfly*

        Me too! All I’ve been able to find are suggestions it was her age (and she’s over 40 so…) or that she and the new supervisor just didn’t get along, no real reason. I want a real reason and not just internet guesses!

        1. Mira*

          What stood out to me was that Brad’s wife didn’t tell him WHY she was fired. If it was an innocent reason, like downsizing, or one in her favour (think, her supervisor hates her for no reason), surely she would have told him? That makes me think that:
          1. Brad’s wife was at fault, or
          2. Brad DOES know why his wife was fired, it was an outrageously silly reason, and that social media post was his way of trying to get the company to fess up about their sins.

          Yeah, I may have had a bit too much free time yesterday. >.>

          1. neverjaunty*

            Or 3. he thinks it’s unfair that his wife was fired regardless of the reason for the firing. We see people like that all the time in AAM letters – they feel that they are entitled to things (a job, a promotion, a desirable office, flexible hours) purely because they want those things, and not because their conduct at work merits those things.

  51. Emi.*

    The skin on my face is always kind of red, kind of like fine acne but also just red skin. Apparently this is a condition, and not just how my face is! So, I think I have rosacea.

    Everything I read about rosacea says “There is no cure but you should see a dermatologist for treatment,” but they don’t really explain why treatment is so necessary. Assuming I actually have rosacea, not just a red face, do I have to care? Are there non-cosmetic reasons to see a doctor about it? I’m reasonably happy with how my face looks (especially when I’m on top of my skin care), so if it’s not going to turn into something more terrible I’d just as soon stay home with my money.

    (I think rosacea came up in another open thread discussion of adult acne, but I can’t find it. Does anyone remember which week that was?)

      1. Emi.*

        Currently, nothing really. I haven’t been aware of “redness” as a skin condition, so I treated it as low-key acne by exfoliating and recently a salycilic acid face wash. (That sort of helped, which is part of why I’m not confident that it’s rosecea.)

    3. caledonia*

      I think I have rosacea and I rarely leave the house without foundation on. However, a friend of mine actually does something proactive about it and goes to a specialist that treats it.

    4. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

      I too suffer from persistent red face. For the longest time I didn’t use any sort of face wash and used Clean and Clear Daily Moisturizer, which does have some acne prevention medication in it.

      Because I am very fortunate and do not suffer from adult acne, I decided to try to work on the red face, and started a nightly regimen of Aveeno Positively Radiant creamy facewash with the Positively Radiant daily moisturizer to follow, and a brief rinse and pat dry in the morning with another application of the moisturizer. As soon as I can find the Aveeno Ultra Calming intensive night cream at a Wal-Mart near me, I’ll use it at night. I’ve seen it recommended on various blogs and in several magazine articles specifically referencing the reduction in redness.

      If that fails, I’ll indulge myself and go back to Clinique, because my skin did really well with their classic yellow moisturizer.

    5. Rosacea sufferer*

      I’d recommend seeing a dermatologist to confirm it is rosacea (there are other conditions with similar symptoms) and also to have them determine if you’re at risk for any potential complications. For example, I found out I also have rosacea in my eyes. In some cases if left untreated this can cause permanent eye damage or even blindness. Thankfully my opthalmologist said mine is currently unlikely to progress any further if I follow a few basic precautions.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yes to checking for other medical problems, a red face can come with high blood sugar.

    6. fposte*

      I only just found out recently I have rosacea–it’s mostly ocular, which explains why I would always get confused when I’d hear about eyes being bloodshot because mine always were, kind of. If you see a primary care physician I would mention it next time you go, but there’s no particular reason to go into the doctor immediately if you’re satisfied with how things are.

    7. HannahS*

      I do have rosacea, so this is what I’ve learned:
      (OK, take it with a huge grain of salt because you don’t know that you have it and I’m a random person on the internet so talk to a dermatologist if you want better info)
      -there are several different kinds of rosacea, and some can deform your skin and become painful/itchy (I think) over time, so it might be worth checking out if it’s just a cosmetic issue or not
      -mine was not responsive at all to regular skincare, so I use a fairly new cream called Rosiver that takes care if it just about completely (and I am very, very pale, so my skin really showed the difference)

    8. Whichsister*

      I was diagnosed with it by a dermatologist. Mostly I just have a reddish complexion but when I am stressed out I get breakouts. The Dr have me a cream for the breakouts and agreed with what I was already doing…. using Clinique for red skin. I use the facewash and the cream as well as the primer and foundation. Love it.

    9. Clever Name*

      Food sensitivities can sometimes make one’s face red. A friend of mine reacts to dairy this way. I don’t think it would hurt to see a derm.

    10. jamlady*

      I’ve brought up my husband’s rosacea a few times on the open thread. General awesome advice on here was to find a dermatologist and find the right treatment for your condition. My husband only had it on his face and then it randomly spread to his feet, in addition to suddenly developing a skin allergy (to our laundry detergent, we found out later), so he started seeing a dermatologist to help manage it before it gets any worse. It sounds like it’s kind of an unpredictable ailment, so I think keeping up with doctor visits will be important for him since it’s started changing. Right now he manages it with just Aveeno lotion and cooler showers.

  52. Trixie*

    I was in minor fender bender this week when I was hit from behind in morning traffic. Thankfully, it was slower speeds and no one was hurt. She had spilled her coffee and was distracted. We exchanged contact info and I have her insurance policy number. It didn’t look like any damage on the surface but I noticed yesterday the bumper is somewhat popped off on the sides. I know the “O” rings can pop or break pretty easily. We didn’t call the police since no one was hurt but I still need to check state law. Will call her and her insurance company this weekend before getting some estimates. Really hoping auto body shop can just reattach bumper. Not good or bad, but we both work for the same organization and I can track her down easily if she doesn’t respond to my call.

  53. Milton*

    I have found my HG deodorant and I wanted to share!!!

    I actually saw a FB ad for it and said (shoulder shrug) why not. It is fantastic!!! It’s called Native and it’s aluminum and paraben free if you’re into that ;)

    I’ve written on AAM before about my stinky pits and not being able to rewear shirts, so I am yelling from the hilltops how much I love this deodorant. And yes, I’ve actually reworn a few shirts! Before the switch I was a long time user of Secret Clinical Strength. I’ve tried Mitchum, Dove, Donna Karan, Old Spice, Arm & Hammer.

    Native has a men’s and women’s sample pack of 3 deodorants and I got the women’s. I wish they had a 3 pack of unscented because I am not a fan of coconut & vanilla scents, but it is what it is. There are a lot of coupon codes online or on IG too, so I got 10% off my order (laughable in CA, but whatever). I might actually get the men’s pack next. I believe they sell Native at Target too. It is a little pricey ($12 individually or $30 for a 3 pack), but the price point is similar to other natural deodorants.

    Definitely worth a shot if you are looking for a new deodorant!

    1. Hrovitnir*

      Oo, that’s cool. I very much doubt they sell it NZ, but I REALLY dislike any scent in my deodorant and have been finding my current products aren’t quite as good as I’d like. (Assuming the unscented is as good as the scented ones.)

  54. LizB*

    Can I just vent for a minute about the stupid process of shopping for sports bras as a larger woman? I went to three different stores, none of which had any options in my size, and then ended up shelling out upwards of $70 in a fourth store for something that only mostly fits. Why is it so f-ing difficult for stores to sell a normal piece of clothing that fits my normal body? I am the size of the average woman in the US! Why are there racks and racks and racks of bras in cup sizes A-DD and almost nothing above that? There are plenty of people who need other sizes! Just freaking sell them!

    At least now it’s over with and I’m prepared to start my new workout routine on Monday (thanks to whoever on this site recommended the book Strong, I’m trying it out!), but uuuuugh I hate sports bra shopping.

    1. regina phalange*

      For what it’s worth, I spent like $65 or so on one in 2008 and I still use it! I have the same problem as you. So bright side is it should last you a long time!

      1. LizB*

        I’ll have to check that out! I need pretty heavy-duty support, but maybe they’ll have something that’ll work.

      1. Sugar of lead*

        I know, right? I have a narrow rib cage and the only bras I can find in my band size are the really small ones for girls who are still developing. I usually settle for a 32 and hook it as tight as I can.

        1. LilyPearl*

          I think we are actually quite lucky with bras in the UK these days. I’m a 30F and though it’s not super easy to buy bras, between Bravissimo and Debenhams I can usually find something. My current sports bras are from Marks and Spencer. No help to people in the USA, sorry.

    4. LCL*

      Junonia may be able to help you out. Also the Enell bra, the one like a corset. There is an Enell light, and it’s nice but the straps are too short. I am going to take mine to a tailor and have 2 inches of strap added.

      Torrid has started selling sports bras, I promptly lost the one I bought so I don’t know how good it is.

      Why is it so hard to find bras with long enough straps!? Am tall.

      1. Violet Strange*

        I’m not super tall, but I also struggle to find straps long enough, and when I look for advice or suggestions online, the discussion is always about how to shorten them.

    5. Phlox*

      I feel you, bra shopping is such a pain! I’ve heard a lot about title nine having good athletic bras but no personal experience. I really like their regular bras for small cups

    6. Becca*

      Ugh, SERIOUSLY. I swing dance, and while I’m pretty comfortable dancing in normal bras, when I see myself in the mirror it’s a little “oh gee that’s a lot of bounce going on…” I am so frustrated that it’s impossible to try on a bra before spending the $65+ to get it shipped to me– I’m convinced that no store in the US carries bras in my size, sports bra or otherwise. Graah!

      (My size is ~28H. It’s… a trial.)

    7. LisaLee*

      I have the same problem. I have had good luck at small, lingerie boutiques (in my town we have one specifically aimed at women with large busts), but you will pay more there. You might also see these stores advertised as post-mastectomy apparel stores–a lot of them do that service as well. Panache and Freya are two brands specializing in large busts that have a great sports bra selection.

    8. ms42*

      I’ve heard good things about Glamorize for larger women. I just ordered two from Amazon for my 34H chest for $70 together. Not as cheap as I’d like, but a similarly large friend has been singing their praises.

      Good luck with the workouts!

      1. LCL*

        I’ve tried a couple Glamorize. I like the the quality and design, the price seems fair, but they are another straps-are-too-short brand. I think I donated all of mine to Goodwill.

      2. Gadfly*

        I love Glamorise’s No Bounce Camisole/Cami bra for when I REALLY don’t want the girls to move. And usually I can find some color or other on sale prime for less than $25. Just measure well and use their size chart before you order–don’t assume you know your size. It is a LOT more comfortable if you do this.

        1. Gadfly*

          By the way, I wear their 50F–so that means cup volume equivalent to a 40K. And they stay in place. There is some uniboob going on, but I can jump without fear of blacking my eye…

    9. Gadfly*

      I belong to a few larger women exercise forums and it is a MAJOR topic of discussion there. So you are not alone.

    10. mreasy*

      My Enells have lasted me years! Big initial investment (though you can sometimes find deals if you’re willing to get weird colors), but they really last. And they LOCK EVERYTHING DOWN. I run, and I feel like an awesome bounce-free cyborg. Before I found Enell, it was too painful.

    11. Jules the First*

      30FF over here…I love my Panache sports bra – the girls don’t budge no matter what I do (and they do swimwear separates as well – yay for well-fitting, supportive bikinis!)

  55. caledonia*

    So I know someone through another friend when we worked somewhat together several years ago. It turns out they are being psychologically abused and am not sure how I can help them? (UK, Scotland)

  56. Come On Eileen*

    I went on the birth control patch a few weeks ago after being off BC for a few years. I used 3 patches (one a week) in succession then, instead of having a withdrawal week, applied a 4th patch to stack two cycles together. I’ve been having lots of PMS symptoms over the past week – swollen breasts, spotting, etc. and am just wondering if this is normal. I guess I figured skipping my period week would mean skipping symptoms, but that hasn’t been the case.

    1. copy run start*

      Never used the patch, but I take the mini-pill, same dose for 28 days and still get symptoms. I always look at it as my period trying to come. Sometimes it’s successful, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what it’s actually going to do. It may take your body a few months to adjust to the change in hormones.

    2. Al Lo*

      I’ve had an IUD for years, and have had no periods for most of that time, as well as no PMS symptoms most of the time. Occasionally some light spotting, but I don’t feel the same emotional fluctuations that I used to. It could be that your body will even itself out — I seem to remember having strong PMS symptoms in the first few months than later on. There was certainly more spotting in the first few months.

      I’ve never been on the patch, so I can’t speak to the hormonal variations, but my no-period experience with the Mirena has been pretty smooth.

    3. Mela*

      Any combination of reactions including what you’re describing is normal during the first few cycles. Feel free to continue skipping the patch-free week, but if you still don’t like how it feels after a few months, check with your provider. Some people need a higher dose of hormones to stop bleeding completely, but that’s up to your provider to determine.

  57. Me!*

    OMG I went to meditation today and the leader, someone I hadn’t seen before, said, “Welcome to [Group]; we’re going to meditate for 45 minutes.” It’s usually about 25-30 before we have a reading and discussion (we didn’t do that today). I thought, Holy crap, I’m gonna die. But I think it was good for me to push myself to sit that long. I made it! I did have to move around a bit, but I didn’t really lose focus. I had a Pink Floyd song stuck in my head the entire time and started thinking about book revisions, so I just went with it instead of trying to push those thoughts away and the 45 minutes actually went by pretty quickly. I was so proud of myself!

    There were a ton of people today–we joked at coffee about how the long session would scare away the people who weren’t serious, haha. Some were late. Including the dude I think is cute. I talked to him afterward; I said, “Hi, [Name], we missed you last week!” So now he knows I noticed he wasn’t there. He didn’t come with us after because he said he was going out of town, dammit. I’m afraid once he finds out I’m an old lady, he’ll lose interest entirely. :\

    He did seem happy to see me, though a little nervous? (maybe he likes me, or maybe he’s just thinking, “Stop talking to me, aaugh.”). :P

    It was still an okay get-together. Cool Kinda-Hippie Dude taught me how to play Go at coffee. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it but it was fun!

      1. Me!*

        Ha, yeah, me too. I could use a little attention. I’ve been feeling quite invisible and it ain’t no fun.

    2. Sugar of lead*

      I might try to find a group like that in my area. I’m curious; do you have to pay for your classes?

      1. Me!*

        They ask for donations for the group and encourage them to the temple for our use of it. I think some of that comes out of group donations. But other than that, it doesn’t cost anything. We’re doing a class thing, Introduction to Meditation, with a Canvas account online and meetings every second Saturday of the month for a discussion of that material. I don’t know why so many people showed up–usually it’s only about twenty or so. And there seems to be a core group that goes to coffee most of the time afterward.

        I bought a book — Buddhism for Dummies, haha — so I could get a better overview because most of the leaders and some of the participants have been practicing for a long time and they often use words in discussion that I’m not familiar with. And I wanted to know more about it anyway.

  58. Student Moving Out*

    So my parents have this annoying habit (which I fear my sister and I picked up) where they interrupt someone else speaking/talk over someone. I can literally be telling my mom about some work issue and she will start talking about something else that seemed to come to her in that moment halfway through my sentence. My usual reaction is to stop talking and put on a rather upset face.

    Anyway, I’m looking at renting an apartment atm because I want to move out. I take my dad with me since he knows more about the technical side of things (and general life experience etc).
    At the first apartment, the landlord was unfortunately also the kind of person to talk over someone – so what happened was that he and my dad were constantly talking, interrupting each other at three quarters through the other’s statement, and I, as the one to actual want to rent, barely got any word in.
    Afterwards, I took my dad aside and told him that while I appreciated his insights, I would like to be able to ask questions as well and that landlords probably don’t like being interrupted. He didn’t react well.

    Cue today: another, rather perfect apartment. I’m chatting with the landlord, talking about what I’m studying, and that one of the reasons I started a new degree in a completely different field after getting a Bachelor in Biology was finding out working in a lab was not for me. At which point my dad interrupts me WHILE I’M STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF SPEAKING with a rather condescending tone that “well, the real reason were the job prospects, you know, [continuing similarly]”
    My mouth hang open and I felt like I was 12 again.
    Am I wrong to find this unacceptable?! Talking about MY career choices as if he knows better than I, who was standing right there talking about the same thing?
    Ugh, I probably wouldn’t be as upset if the interrupting thing wasn’t so common with my parents (and I really wanted that apartment!).

    Any advice to deal with this kind of thing happening?

    (I told my dad in rather frank words afterwards that this thing really pissed me off, at which point he went into full “well, ok, I’m not helping you looking for apartments anymore”-mode.)

    1. Lily Evans*

      I think the only way for this exact situation not to happen again is not to bring your dad next time. Go alone or bring a friend, but leave your dad out of it. If he gets offended, you can remind him that he said he didn’t want to help anymore.

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      I second the don’t take him with you.

      I know your first apartment is scary, but there is almost nothing “technical” you need to know about a rental- since you’re not responsible for repairs. You’ve lived in houses, you should be able to recognize the big problems. And here is the thing about rentals that my husband and I always told ourselves: They are temporary. Do your due diligence reading reviews (I’d suggest a corporate run place for your first) and area crime reports, but other than that- there’s not much that isn’t deal-able for 6-12 months.

      Also, I’m not saying be rude, but don’t worry so much about offending a landlord. It’s not like your boss or a school principal- they work for YOU.

      Good luck on finding a place. You’ll get more confident as you go, and the longer you are out on your own.

      1. Sunflower*

        I just found a list that I made when I was looking for my first apartment of things to ask. I definitely didn’t end up asking/doing the majority of them and it was fine but see what sticks out to you as important to know

        – Why is this apt available? Does this run on 6 month or year long leases or month to month? How long did you live here/do most people live here? Can I sublet?
        – Security deposit? First/last months rent required?
        – Are appliances included
        – Check water pressure
        – Repaint walls?
        – What other charges? App fees, move-in fees, broker fees, etc?
        – Who handles repairs? How do you submit requests? How quickly is it usually handled?
        – How many other units are there in the building?
        – Do you ever have problems with mice/rats/cockroaches?
        – How is rent paid
        – What utilities do I pay? What is covered by landlord?
        – What kind of changes can be made to the apt?
        – What are reasons a security deposit wouldn’t be refunded?
        – Charges for breaking a lease
        – Will I need to pay for anything to be cleaned when moving out
        – Is there an oven, stove, microwave, refrigerator
        – Check where cable outlets and electrical outlets are
        – Under what circumstances would the landlord enter the apt without notice?
        – Where do I take my trash?
        – Are there any building policies I should be aware of?

        1. Student Still Moving Out*

          Wow, thank you so much! You got a lot of good questions I haven’t thought about. Like water pressure – ugh, I can’t stand showering with low water pressure.
          I’ll definitely use some of these at the next apartment!

          1. Jessesgirl72*

            Yeah, you don’t ask about water pressure. You turn on the shower, and see 1) how long it takes to get hot water and 2) the water pressure.

            The things like who covers what and how and lease breaking, etc have to all be covered in the lease. If they are NOT in writing, it doesn’t matter if you ask- the answer isn’t legally binding.

            1. Natalie*

              Also, check your state tenant law. Generally, the law will prevail over a lease, so just because they write something into the lease doesn’t mean it will be enforceable.

      2. Jean who seeks freedom from clutter*

        I’d add a few items to this helpful checklist:
        – where are the telephone jacks / TV & cable plug-in sites?
        – what parking is available for cars / motorbikes / bicycles of residents and visitors?
        – does the street door have a lock or security system? If not, is this okay for you? If yes, how do nonresidents get into the building?
        – which of the most vital commercial services are near you? We always wanted a grocery store, pharmacy, dry cleaner, and at least one mode of public transportation within walking distance. YMMV.
        If you can possibly sketch a quick layout of the rooms (including doors, windows, and closets) this may help you remember individual apartments.

        1. Student Still Moving Out*

          Thank you as well! The scetching the layout seems really handy to do, and I haven’t thought about bicycle spaces yet.

          1. Belle di Vedremo*

            Happy hunting.
            Can you spend some time with online rental sites to get an idea of what things stand out to you as important, and an idea of general costs? Do you have a particular location in mind (to move to, or to avoid)?

            * How does it smell? Is it fresh, musty, stale, funky? The whole apt, then the bathroom and the kitchen.

            * Is it sunny, shaded, both (eg, leafy trees for shade in the summer, not in the winter)?

            * Is there an on-site maintenance person? What kind of help is provided/included?

            * How do you know someone is at the door for you? Is there an intercom type set up with a door release feature for you to use?

            * What kind of heat is it, and how is it controlled? I lived in an apt for a while where I controlled the heat by opening windows, there was nothing else I could do. Same question about a/c if it’s in, and if it’s not, any constraints on window units?

            * Appliances: up to date, how are they maintained repaired, do they look scuzzy or reasonable?

            * Water pressure, yes: I check shower/sink/kitchen.

            * Pets ok? (If you might want them, or have some visit)

            * Laundry? In unit, in the basement, or only off-site?

            * Trash? Are you taking care of it yourself, is there a common receptacle that someone else empties?

            * Storage, in unit and perhaps in a common area (eg locked units in a shared space)?

            * Any noise constraints? Eg, “quiet hours” or “no instruments” or do as you please?

            * Will they sign for/accept/hold for you packages that don’t fit in your mail box?

            * How easy is it to get to on public transportation?

            * Parking: if you live in the snow belt, who takes care of snow? If it’s not covered/enclosed parking, do you have to dig your car out and they just plow the middle/where your car used to be? Is there a fee? Is there “guest” parking (at no charge)?

            Think about what on all our lists are most important to you up front, and make your own list.

        2. LizB*

          Other things for the list:
          – Are there overhead lights in all the rooms?
          – Is there a dishwasher? Is there adequate counter space?
          – What kind of heating system is there? What kind of AC system? How much control do I have over the temperature in my unit?

          The last time I moved, I actually made myself a checklist/note-taking sheet with a ton of questions and carried it on a clipboard whenever I went to an apartment showing. None of the landlords gave me crap about it, and a couple actually said they wished everyone was as prepared with what they wanted to ask. I know I don’t retain much info when I don’t write it down, so I just embraced it and chose to write things down. And I love love love my current apartment, so it worked out. :)

    3. fposte*

      You can also stop him in the moment. “Hang on, Dad, let me finish.” I’m an interrupter, and so are most of my friends; it’s just a traffic pattern, not a personal statement.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Stop taking your dad with you. Seriously. He’s not going to stop doing it. You should get some experience handling these things for yourself anyway. Like Jessesgirl72 said, it’s not really super hard and you already know some of what you need to know.

      The only thing I would add is that before you sign a lease, read the ENTIRE thing and make sure you understand everything in it.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      He’s not helping you. You want him there to help you, but given his constant interruptions he turns out to be not very helpful.

      If it were me, I would try to tell my folks that their habit of interrupting is interfering with our relationships together.

      Family members say their habit of interrupting is because they are teachers. What a slam to teachers everywhere, I say. I don’t buy the excuse thing. I tend to think it has something to do with fear of not being heard. They were probably spoken over often and needed to learn to interrupt because their survival depended on it That could be. Or it could just be a rude habit.

      I would start by sitting down and talking to them.

    6. Student Still Moving Out*

      Thank you, all of you!

      Just to clarify things a bit – I’m from a European country where owning a house isn’t actually that common at all; my grandparents actually lived in a rented apartment their whole life! I myself grew up in an apartment owned by my parents. So renting is not that temporary here. I’m looking at apartments where ideally, I will stay at least the next 3 years (finishing my current degree and doing graduate studies) if everything fits.

      I have decided to not take my dad with me anymore, as all of you suggested. My sister offered to come with me a few times, and a friend as well. I think I will be able to get all the info I need and spot any glaring downsides myself.

      As for the interrupting habit – I’m already focusing on not doing that myself. My sister and I look at each other and roll our eyes whenever Mom or Dad do it, which is not the best reaction, I know, but the one where no loud arguments happen. Hm.

  59. Trill*

    I’m not too great with technology, so I wanted to see if anybody has any ideas or tips for something I want to try and put together.

    I recently started volunteering at a zoo, and while to try and help myself learn more about all of the different animals (not just the most popular and my favourites), I want to put together a set of notes with just a few interesting facts about as many different animals as I can. I’m thinking something where I can pull up a photo of an animal along with a little bit of information. I’d also like to be able to sort the animals into groups, either taxonomically (birds, reptiles, hoof stock, carnivores, etc.), or by where in the world they’re from (rainforests, tundra, africa, etc.) or both.

    At first I was thinking just a big word document, but it would be nice to have something that would be easy to view and scroll through on my phone, so then I was thinking of using something like instagram, but I’m not an instagram user so I don’t know if that would work, and how easily I could sort.

    Does anybody have any ideas for something that would’t be too difficult to put together and would be good for organizing sets of pictures with accompanying information?

    1. Elkay*

      Google Keep might be worth investigating. You can add images and labels to notes and it syncs across devices with your Google account.

    2. Random Citizen*

      Pinterest would be pretty good for his type of thing – you can save pictures with text and sort everything into boards. Evernote might be even better actually – easier to include text.

    3. Clever Name*

      I like OneNote. It’s easy to use and more versatile than word. Has a search feature too

      1. Gingerblue*

        I like OneNote too, and I use it in exactly the way Trill is envisioning. (I have a collection of notes with photos of my houseplants, photos of the care instructions that came with them, any notes I’ve take on them, etc; and a collection of recipes.) There’s a free version or a paid version with more features; it can work across devices (I use it on my PC, windows tablet, ipad, and iphone); and you can easily add typed notes, photos, and stuff clipped from online to the same document.

    4. Trill*

      Thanks for all the suggestions! I’m going to check them all out, and figure out which is simplest to use for what I’m trying to do.

  60. anon for this*

    My friend set me up with a friend of her husband. We talked on the phone and texted for a bit and had our first date this week. He seemed like a great guy, I enjoyed talking to him and the date was fun. The day after our date he called and gave me the “it’s not you, it’s me, I’m not ready” speech. I couldn’t figure out why because everything had been going so well. I made my friend tell me what was up with him. He said I had a great personality but he was turned off by what he called my “tanning habit”. He said it was a turn off and made my hands and face look older than I am. He also said it was a turn off because everyone knows tanning is a bad and dangerous habit. I’m crushed. He didn’t say this to me and was polite to me in his rejection and my friend didn’t want to tell me until I made her. But I’m so crushed. My doctor told me to stop tanning and said it was aging me but I thought he had to say that. I don’t think I look that bad even though I don’t always like the way I look. Getting rejected hurts so much. Last night I cried in my pajamas with ice cream and red wine. If anyone has any ideas, books or words of support or whatever. I’d love to hear them. Thanks for listening…

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      Of course he didn’t say it to your face- that would be really rude and inappropriate to a basic stranger.

      If you can afford a dermatologist, I think you should have a consultation with one. Find out how much damage has actually been done, what options you have for repairing it, and what you might consider to make you look “better” that is a safer alternative to tanning.

      I know it hurts to be rejected, but if this rejection saves your life by stopping your tanning before you get skin cancer, then that would be a good thing. And if you’re going to continue tanning anyway, then better that things end before they really get started, with how he feels about it.

    2. Hrovitnir*

      Aw, that’s not nice to hear. Obviously there are some major health reasons tanning is not advised, but I generally fall down on do what makes you happy. It’s a pity that that was enough to overwhelm his opinion on your personality and compatibility! Not everyone will feel the same way, and it’s really not a reflection on your worth as a person.

      1. Gilmore67*

        Exactly. Most of us have all been rejected and have rejected dates for whatever reasons we have. And yes is sucks especially if you liked the other person.

        Just need to carry on and go to the next one.

    3. Gilmore67*

      I am sorry you are feeling sad about this. There is nothing you can do about it. You are who you are and you like to tan.

      But think about this….You might not like “This thing “(insert something here) about a guy you date. You therefore will not want to date him. And that is OK. That is why we date. To see what a person is like and go on from there.

      Even if you think it is a silly reason for not wanting to go out with you again you might do the same to someone else. That is just human nature. There is no rational on why this happens. And again it doesn’t matter what it is, if someone doesn’t like it then they don’t like it.

      There is no reason to beat your -self up. You did nothing wrong. It is just not a match. And at least he did not lead you on.

      Be sad for a short time.. then… arm yourself with a big smile and go out there again !

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Yes, this – when it comes to dating, people often have weird and random turn-offs, and that’s actually okay. It hurts when you’re on the receiving end of one when you really liked the person, but it also means that you’re not required to date someone that you think is a perfectly nice person, but aren’t attracted to for some oddball reason.

        It’s probably also worth reminding yourself that you shouldn’t push people for answers to awkward questions unless you’re truly prepared to hear unpleasant answers. Your date was perfectly polite – he gave you a standard neutral brush off – and your friend didn’t want to hurt you, but you pushed until she told you a truth you didn’t want to hear, and now you can’t unhear it.

      2. HannahS*

        Attraction is an elusive and mysterious beast! Here are some stupid and arbitrary reasons why I’ve not been attracted to some very lovely men, and turned them down after a first/second date:
        1. had a career in something I thought was icky and didn’t want to hear about for the duration of a marriage
        2. reminded me vaguely of my brother
        3. had a goatee
        Not one of those makes those guys un-dateable. Each of them was kind, smart, and respectful. I just didn’t want to kiss them. But! Other people do! Judging by some of the romance novels I’ve read lately, some people find goatees unbearably sexy. And I’m sure plenty of men have hated my hairstyle, or disliked my chapped lips, or preferred leggy blondes. Dating is not about finding the best person, it’s about finding the best match for you, and this guy wasn’t it. Someone else will love the way you look, regardless of whether or not you tan.

        I might be reaching here, because I know that being rejected generally sucks, but is his rejection doubly upsetting because it’s changing the way feel about tanning? On the one hand, yes, tanning really is bad for you, and it is worth reconsidering. On the other, you shouldn’t feel you have to change the way you look just because one man didn’t like it. If you’re going to stop tanning, do it for yourself and for your health, not as a response to rejection.

        1. LaurenB*

          Seconding this wise advice! I moved to a small city and I have a few other friends in my general age bracket who are on the market, so we overlap considerably in the men we’ve chatted with or met via online dating sites. My friend is guaranteed to reject the guys I’ve liked and vice versa, and sometimes the reason for her rejection is the reason I was attracted! I mean, if my current boyfriend had grown a lumberjack beard to be attractive to her, he wouldn’t have met me. ;)

          It’s just not a good idea to do a post-mortem on single dates. If this serves as a wake-up call and you decide the cancer risks are too high to continue tanning, that’s great for you – but if the next guy says he doesn’t like women with, say, long hair, that’s not a reason to cut yours.

    4. my name is Rory*

      Please stop tanning. My cousin starting going to tanning salons at the age of 14. By the time she was in college she was going almost every day. When she was pregnant she started tanning outside when the salons wouldn’t let her in (some would). She was diagnosed with Melanoma shortly after her son was born. She died from Melanoma on the one year anniversary of her diagnosis. It was one month after her son’s first birthday, two months after her second wedding anniversary and three months after her 24th birthday (to the day). We have no family history and the doctors say she would not have gotten Melanoma if she didn’t tan. We begged her to stop but even being pregnant and the birth of her son wasn’t enough. It aged her, she looked older than my aunt. Tanning beds are the same level carcinogen as smoking and plutonium. Please stop before it is too late.

      1. Mazzy*

        Wow, I didn’t know it could move so quickly, I mean, I knew it accelerated the process, but haven’t heard of someone passing so young from this

        1. TL -*

          It’s rare but young adults can get melanoma too – it’s a luck of the draw type game and tanning greatly increases your chances.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Deal with the sadness of the rejection. Then, later, figure out what you want with the tanning.

      Honestly, I think that he had a good time on your dates and said, “whoops, not ready for this” then latched on to ANY reason he could find to break up. Unfortunately, he chose a topic that you might be having some doubts about here and there. So now this is a double whammy. Break this story into two parts and deal with one part at at time.

      1. Dan*

        According to the post, they only went on one date. There is no real reason not to take that guy at his word, so I’m not sure it’s doing OP a favor to try and minimize the reason.

        The reality is that it doesn’t matter why someone says “thanks but no thanks” after one date. We’ve all got our “things” that keep one date from progressing further. That doesn’t make us bad people… Just human.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Right. Was not trying to put the guy down, but trying to say that OP got the info second hand, so we cannot be totally sure what could have been going on. I think OP was surprised because he was, indeed, a nice guy.

          It’s okay not to want to date someone, but the recipient of that news might have to take a moment to process the news. Also part of being human. That is why I thought breaking this into a two part process might be helpful. OP can look any concerns she’s had about tanning as a separate story.

      2. LadyKelvin*

        Yeah finding out someone tans regular (sti)) would be deal breaker for bing friends with someone for me, let alone so else to date. So I can totally see this as a reason to stop seeing someone, not just a polite copout.

      3. TL -*

        I would stop dating someone who was willingly increasing their cancer risk by that much. I do cancer research, so it bothers me on a really deep level, but I also feel it’s not my job to tell people what to do with their body. So the best thing for me is not to be around smokers/tanners.

    6. Mazzy*

      I’m sorry I can’t offer too much sympathy, but I’d like to offer help. I’ve known a few women who tan. I honestly thought one was my age, only to find out she was over 10 years younger than me. 10 years. And I am barely 40. That is a huge difference. It was very awkward when she didn’t get another one of my references that someone “our age” totally should have gotten, and she finally said how old she was. Tanning really does impact your aging.

      On the plus side, I don’t think guys really care if you are tan or pale, in my experience, it’s one of those routines that women think men want but men don’t notice, only other women do. I’d stop.

      1. Natalie*

        That, and if you really like the look there’s good fake tan options out there now that won’t give you cancer or prematurely age you. Everyone I know who likes the tanned look gets fake tanned at a salon.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Thank you for saying that other women notice mostly. It’s good to see someone saying this. I have that fair Irish complexion and I never enjoyed just laying out in the sun. It felt like punishment to me. (headaches, nausea, overlapping freckles) I felt pretty awkward about that when I was younger, now I don’t care that I am kind of pale. I guess we do something long enough, we get used it and that includes being a little on the pale side.

      3. Temperance*

        I’m super pale, and honestly, I think I got more male attention than my fake-baked friends did back in college. Guys used to make fun of the look, and call women Jersey Shore/Snookie/JWOW. I also like how colorful clothes look on paler women. I can pull off hot pink and jewel tones like nobody’s business.

    7. Observer*

      Tanning says nothing about your value as a person.

      But, I will add my voice to all of the others who are saying that you really should stop tanning. Not because of this guy. But, for yourself. Your doctor didn’t tell you to stop it because he “has” to. He told you because it’s what any responsible medical professional would do – because it can wreck your life. Skin cancer is not joke….

    8. neverjaunty*

      Wait, why did you make your friend tell you why this guy didn’t want another date?

    9. Well I Never*

      To compare experiences… I was once out, in a date like way, with an old friend with whom I had an on/off/whenever we are in the same town kind of relationship. He was a doctor and sometimes lapsed into incomprehensible medical speech. While holding my hand across the table, he made some comment about the skin on my hand…don’t recall the details but “premature aging” was part of it…just a terrible, unflattering, but probably true, comment on my skin condition that was totally uncalled for in our setting. That was the last time we ever got together in that fashion. Coincidence? I don’t think so. My point…if he’d said it to your face, you probably would have rejected him on the spot. Yes, it doesn’t feel great to be rejected, but at least he wasn’t rude and tactless.

    10. LCL*

      He rejected you because you are showing signs of being mortal. I think you dodged a bullet. If you guys got in a long term relationship he would start finding fault with other aspects of your appearance.

        1. LCL*

          The way it was presented, it wasn’t based on her whole physical being, just the parts that were visibly aging. At least that’s how I interpreted it. He was decent in his rejection, props for that.

          1. TL -*

            But it’s okay to not like someone because of one part of their body, even if that part is visibly aged skin. If you’re 20 or 30, you’re probably not going to be that attracted to most 40 or 50 yr old (or looking) people.

        2. tigerStripes*

          Tanning isn’t a healthy habit, at least not when it’s overdone. It is OK for him to not want to be with someone who tans a lot.

  61. Gilmore67*

    I was diagnosed with an under active thyroid in Mid Dec. I have been on medicine since then. My first blood check was mid Feb and it turned out OK, i.e. my levels of TSH was better, within a normal range.

    So my Doc has had me stay on the same dose. I actually didn’t go to the Doc for this reason he was just taking normal blood work and he saw it in the report.

    I actually feel no better. I don’t feel worse, just don’t feel a difference. My hair is still blah, I am not feeling more energetic, no weight loss, brain fog.

    My low energy and hair loss and weight gain and all that, I just figured is was just a part of my system just changing as I was getting older.

    So, I am just wondering if anyone out there has this, and even if the TSH levels are OK and the Free T4 is OK does it take a while for my body to start reacting to the meds while my thyroid getting back to normal.

    What has your experience’s been?

    1. Hrovitnir*

      My experience is primarily with animals but generally the change is pretty quick. I have heard that the reference range has been called into question but ultimately not changed, but there certainly seem to be people who are borderline in T4/TSH but still are symptomatic. :/

    2. TL -*

      My full response time to my meds is a week. A week of consistently taking them and I’m back to normal.
      You might want to ask for a reference to an endocrinologist. Most hypo patients see one to manage their symptoms – I’m the exception among my friends/acquaintances but my case was unusually easy to treat.

      1. Gilmore67*

        OK thanks. That information is good and it seems everyone I have asked says the same thing.

    3. Gene*

      I really didn’t notice much change when I started levothyroxine. Over the years I and my doctors figured out I need to be dosed so my TSH is at the very bottom of the “normal” range. I know it’s time for a test when my dreams get very intense and they seem to have a common theme, night after night.

      I never notice weight loss or a change in my hair or energy levels, no matter where my levels are.

  62. Anon, a plan, a canal, Panama*

    Semi-regular commenter going anon. I live with my parents (not by choice, out of financial necessity). We get along better when we’re not under the same roof–there’s lots of snapping at each other, and we’re all feeling pretty fed up with each other by now. My mother’s having surgery this week, which is going to stress everything even more–she’ll be in the hospital for a few days and then hopefully a nursing home to recuperate for a couple weeks, but when she gets home she won’t be able to do any chores for awhile. I wanted to move out but close by (like an Airbnb) for a month or two so I could help out but still have my own space but decided it didn’t make sense, but I’m really regretting that choice now even though the surgery hasn’t happened yet. Anyone have any tips for sanity retention when I’m already pretty sick of living with them even before things get worse?

    1. Becca*

      Set limits for what you’re able to do— i.e. figure out what you’ll realistically be able to do around the house to help offset what your mom won’t be doing. If possible, you could see about hiring a cleaning service to come in once or twice, and perhaps schedule a short vacation for yourself to visit a friend over a weekend or something like that.

      Make sure you aren’t giving up your alone and leisure time. Treat yourself to something nice! And good luck :)

      1. HannahS*

        Oh, I think that’s a really good idea. Anon, you were considering spending quite a bit of money not to be at home. If it’s possible, mentally set aside some of what you’re saving towards making your life easier.

  63. printrovert*

    There seems to be a crack in our granite countertop. It’s not straight–it forms a curve/arch–but it’s about 1.5 feet from the sink. Does anyone have any recommendations for budget-friendly repair? We aren’t really keen on replacing the countertop right now.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I checked with my contractor friend and he did not know. My next thought it to check at a place like Ace Hardware. Those folks have suggestions for everything.

  64. Jillociraptor*

    Do any of y’all use Stitch Fix? I just got my first box and I was surprised by how great the items were. The stylist picked out some things that I never would have thought about buying for myself but ended up loving and looking great in.

    1. neverjaunty*

      I did for a while, but after the first couple of boxes, it seemed like they weren’t bothering to read my notes and style preferences and were just trying to clear out stock.

      1. Anonnn*

        That was 100% my experience too. I kept at it for a year but it was so continually disappointing

    1. Dr. KMnO4*

      Worst: Had to report 4 students for academic misconduct/dishonesty. Any my husband wasn’t feeling well this weekend so we didn’t get a chance to see each other.

      Best: I used my Prepd pack and loved it! It’s a great meal prepping/storage lunchbox thing!

      1. Lady Julian*

        Oh gosh, I’m sorry. Dealing with academic dishonesty is one of the worst parts of being a teacher.

        1. Dr. KMnO4*

          It really is! I care about my students, and I genuinely want them to do well in my class. I hate having to report them. But I’d already given them a warning earlier in the semester. So they forced my hand.

    2. LadyKelvin*

      Best: My husband and dog got here this week. It was a 2 month separation. We also found out the our new furniture will be here Thurs and our things may be here the following week! I can’t wait to have something other than a mattress and card table in my house.

      Worst: because my husband works 4 to noon everyday I walk the dog and work 6:30 to 3. I’m not a morning person and getting up at 4:30 everyday is hard. I’m am really worn out by the end of the week. It makes havin a night life difficult.

      1. LCL*

        My work schedule is identical to yours. I am fortunate that boyfriend usually walks the beast.

        By the time I started working this schedule my nightlife days were mostly over. Movies and clubs are for the weekends, for me.

    3. Trixie*

      Worst: Hit in minor fender bender this week. (See above. )
      Best: Finally saw Rogue One at local budget theatre!

      1. Dr. KMnO4*

        What did you think of Rogue One? I’ve seen it 3 times in theaters and (as is probably obvious from that) liked it quite a bit.

    4. copy run start*

      Best: Got complimented at work for my work.

      Worst: Getting my butt handed to me by Murphy. If I have to watch the network go up in flames one more time because someone slid into a pole I am going to LOSE it, I mean LOSE IT, turn off all the routers and cut all the fiber and fling myself off a cliff and y’all can fix your own internet thanks. I have found the end of my rope this week.

      1. LCL*

        I have a google alert set up for car vs pole accidents. There is always at least one a day in the US. I feel your pain. Some are almost predictable, like during weekend bar closing rush and big drinking holidays.

    5. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Best: cousin finished all chemo….
      Another best: met up with friends at bridal shower of mutual friend. With s’mores. And a legit fire pit. w00t.

      Worst: I keep getting “when will you get engaged questions.” Or “are you engaged yet” questions.. Don’t worry, I’m just as curious as y’all when my time’s coming. (I mean, I know its within the next several-ish months but the tension is….palpable lol). The future bride at the shower point-blank asked me if I was engaged :/ Another friend stepped in saying I was basically already engaged (SO and I are house-hunting, and I’m meeting his grandmother/traveling with him in May, etc)

      A hidden worst: cousin’s cancer has an 80% relapse rate….within a year.

    6. LizB*

      Best: I’m in the midst of a four-day weekend full of fun and relaxing things!
      Worst: I still have to work my side job tomorrow, and I am noooot prepared. Just gonna wing it. I wish I had taken the day off from that too, to have a real break.

    7. Cruciatus*

      WORST: To get it out of the way first, had to put one of my cats to sleep. She was wonderful and will be missed.

      BEST: Officially accepted a new job in what I hope will be a much less stressful department! I didn’t get the amount I wanted, but I realized after the 13% increase (that I did get up from 11%), I also still get the “merit raise” increase since I’m an internal transfer and will end up within a few hundred of my original salary request by July. But I do have a month to go before it all happens…

    8. Junior Dev*

      Best: got some work done on my bike, it’s nearly ready for me to start riding to work.

      Worst: I have a creepy neighbor who was telling me I need to leave because he didn’t believe I live in my apartment, and threatened to call the cops on me if I didn’t show him my ID. I told him to go ahead and waste their time, but I’m scared because I’m away from home most of the time and who knows what he could do, and also he said he’s “a criminal justice major” and seems convinced that makes him some sort of legal expert. I’m not afraid the police will side with him, but I am afraid that he’s unstable and will convince himself whatever messed up thing he wants to do is justified.

      1. Gadfly*

        Is he in your complex? If you share a landlord/management complex, maybe they can talk to him?

        1. Junior Dev*

          He is. I left a message for the landlord but they won’t respond til Monday.

          I spent today driving around looking at apartments closer to my job. I was thinking of moving before this happened, and the alternative would be to sign on for another year at my apartment, but at this point it’s kinda the last straw.

          I’m really stressed out by the prospect of having to spend the next month living next to this creep though.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      WORST: Still no job, everything is crap, and I’m going to run out of unemployment soon. I need a BREAAAAAKKKK.

      BEST: That I sat through 45 minutes of meditation today. Also, a really nice amazing massage / manicure on Monday. I wish I could afford to do that every week.

      1. Confused Publisher*

        Really rooting for you, Elizabeth! You’ve had a tough few months of it and I really really really hope things are better for you soon. Also, yay meditation!

      4. Ruffingit*

        Count me in the rooting section! And good for you for continuing with meditation. It really does help to ease the mind!

      5. Jean who seeks freedom from clutter*

        One more rooting-section inhabitant here. Sorry to sign in so late. I hope you see this!

    11. Gadfly*

      Worst: Trying to finish a class so I can graduate and it is so unprofessional and poorly done that I actually worry screenshots of some of it might make it to the internet and make people question the value of any degree from the school. (Anyone seen the Acrobatiq platform used where it isn’t like this? I’ve had 2 classes use it and it has been horrific each time.)

      Best: Got my first labs back since being diagnosed with a prolactinoma on my pituitary. My prolactin levels dropped from just shy of 2000ng/ml to a nice normal 9ng/ml. I get to ask the endocrinologist on Tuesday what it means, but at least it suggests I’m responding well to this medication (if not, there is really only one other, and then it is chemo and radiation and surgery. Since it is wrapped around my carotid artery I’m probably not the best candidate to have it surgically removed.)

    12. Rachel 2: Electric Boogaloo*

      BEST: I saw Hamilton (in Chicago) today! We got the tickets last September so it had been a long, impatient wait since then. : ) It was absolutely fantastic! It definitely lives up to all the hype and then some.

      WORST: My sleep schedule just gets worse and worse.

    13. Liane*

      Best: 1 year ago today we adopted Bear the Lab mix! We are calling it Dogiversary and will get him Frosty Paws and maybe take him to park.

      2nd Best: Going to the con on Wednesday! See friends we don’t see every year, have fun with Husband & Son.

      Worst: Husband had to back to doctor for his gout because it had gotten better then worse. Now on new meds. And my sinuses and allergies are making me miserable. Am probably going to have to skip church today because I think my voice is going. Nothing that doesn’t happen to me at least once a year, but … Should be over by con.

    14. Mimmy*

      BEST: Started the new job and everyone is being incredibly supportive. Once I get the hang of things, I think this will be a really good experience for me.

      WORST: I’ve been going through a range of emotions regarding this job – from the slight depression that comes with adjusting to a new schedule to sheer panic about the day when I do start working 1:1 with the (adult) students since I have never acted in an instructional capacity before.

    15. Elizabeth*

      Worst: Fainting episode at work on Thursday , with two colleagues in my office. I think I gave everyone a scare. We suspect it was a hypotensive event related to a failed blood donation on Wednesday that left a bruise about the size of a $1 bill on my left arm. I’ve been icing the bruise on & off since Thursday morning, plus wearing a compression wrap to get the bruise to resolve.

      Best: 45th birthday on Tuesday, which led to a surprise birthday party on Wednesday evening at the local pub, put on by our trivia team.

      1. Mimmy*

        About your worst: At first I was thinking the bruise was the size of one of those dollar coins – you didn’t mean the size of an actual dollar bill?! Yeow!! Hope it heals soon!

    16. Becca*

      Worst: My mom collapsed at her doctor’s and was taken to the emergency room on Wednesday. Her pain doctor was incredibly negligent and put her through an enormous amount of pain and an unnecessary drug withdrawal, so she was sent to a psychiatric ward where the doctors could prescribe her pain meds.

      Best: My mom is actually feeling human again now! I saw her today— her meds are back on track. And while no one has “a good time” in a psych ward, she’s having meaningful social experiences with people of all ages from all walks of life in a 12-person unit with amazing staff and a strong sense of community. Before this, she’d hardly been out of her home in months.

    17. Bibliovore*

      Best: My promotion to Associate and Tenure were announced this week.
      Best: This blog. All my Bologna trip plans are in place. Train tickets bought. Packing list made. Appointments set!
      Best: Had the best time volunteering on Friday with a tutoring group and spending the day with Mr. Bibliovore

      Worst: Chronic pain on the upswing this week, making me anxious about my trip coming up.
      Worst: Oddly not feeling celebratory
      Worst: Stomach issues acting up. Pre-trip jitters

    18. LCL*

      Best- dog had his annual checkup and his scary lump is just another lipoma (benign fat bump).

      Worst-for the first time since we lived here, we ran the furnace out of oil. Had to go get 20 Gallons in buckets to hold us til delivery. Oil delivery is the only part of the energy business that can get away with telling no service callers they will swing a truck by next week!

  66. Dr. KMnO4*

    Two Netflix recommendations:

    I recently watched Ultimate Beastmaster: Mexico on Netflix, which is not, as the title suggests, set in Mexico, but instead the Netflix original Ultimate Beastmaster with the Mexican commentators instead of the American ones. Which, on the whole, I’m fine with because I liked the show quite a lot and I understand enough Spanish to know what they are saying most of the time so I can generally ignore the subtitles. Also, I found the American commentators kind of annoying. They’re a bit to quick to start the “U-S-A” chant for my liking. If you like American Ninja Warrior, and want to watch an arguably more extreme version, this is the show for you.

    Netflix then suggested other Spanish language shows to me and I stumbled on La Nina (the second “n” should have a tilde), a Colombian show that is really good. It’s about a young woman who was kidnapped by guerillas as a child and who later breaks away from the group and tries to rebuild her life. It is quite compelling, and the characters are fascinating. It gets a bit dramatic at times, but the drama doesn’t bother me much. The subtitles are helpful in some parts because Colombian Spanish has some words that aren’t used quite the same way as Mexican Spanish, which is what I am most familiar with. I believe it’s partly based on some true stories, so if you want a glimpse into a very different life this might be the show for you.

    1. Al Lo*

      My current Netflix obsession is “Julie’s Greenroom,” a children’s show hosted by Julie Andrews about the performing arts. It was blowing up my (arts-professional-heavy) social media last weekend, and not only by those with kids. Each episode has a guest talking about their art form (Josh Groban, Idina Menzel, Alec Baldwin, Joshua Bell, Ellie Kemper, etc), and the (puppet) characters learn about all the different skills that put a musical together.

      Funniest part is that all of the human characters call Julie Andrews “Jules,” and I’ve had more than one musical nerd on my timeline geeking out about new life goals — being the guy that gets to call her “Jules.”

        1. Al Lo*

          It’s great! Obviously, things are simplified, but everything is accurate. The skill sets for how to do things like write a song or the basics of acting are there, and I hope that the show fires up a lot of kids’ imaginations in ways that feed into the art form. I’ve been telling everyone I know to watch it with their kids, and all the artists I know to watch it on their own, if they don’t have kids.

    2. Sugar of lead*

      Those sound interesting. I might try Beastmaster to brush up on my spanish. Lately I’ve been marathoning Buffy and Angel since they’re leaving April 1. Arg. I’ve been chewing my way through them for years; I like to take it slow.

  67. Lady Julian*

    On another note, it’s been more than a week, but did anybody here see the “Fearless Girl” put up on Wall Street for Women’s Day? What were your thoughts? (Link in comments)

  69. Audiophile*

    Anyone switch from Android phone to an iPhone? Pros and cons? I’m seriously considering getting an iPhone 7 Plus, likely the Product Red version. I’ve always had Android phones, save for a Blackberry Curve. I’m pretty entrenched in the Google ecosystem (gmail, calendar, maps, occasionally keep,) but with having recent issues with my Moto X Pure, I feel compelled to look at Apple.

    I don’t have a lot of, if any, paid apps, so I’m not too worried about losing anything. I’m sure everything I have on my phone can be downloaded again via the app store. I am a little worried about gmail, maps, calendar, and a few other google specific apps. I know Google doesn’t support maps anymore, but I largely use Waze for directions.

    For anyone who switched, any regrets?

    1. Al Lo*

      We switched about a year ago. One of the big reasons for me was the number of apps that still aren’t being developed for Android. So much has caught up, but there are a lot of apps that still don’t exist for Android, and I was pretty tired of that.

      I still use the Google ecosystem for most things — I’ve stuck with the gmail Inbox and Calendar apps rather than the Apple equivalents, for instance — and all of my Google world has transferred over just fine.

      No regrets on my part. My husband doesn’t like Apple as a matter of principle, but we decided that it makes sense for us to be on the same system, so he switched, too. Really, there are just little things that you give up and gain with either system, even in just the design of the phone and the way the software works. For instance, I liked the Android homescreen widgets, which Apple doesn’t have, but I like Apple’s ability to jump back to the top of the screen by hitting the top bar. Little things that impact the user experience in different ways.

      1. Audiophile*

        Hmm… I’m curious, what apps did you want to use that weren’t available for Android? I haven’t encountered too many, it happens so infrequently that I largely forget about whatever outrage I had very quickly.

        I haven’t really gotten into Inbox, but I think that’s because I’m so used to Gmail.

        My phone was dying during a work event and someone offered me their iPhone charger and I realized I was in a room full of Apple users. Normally it doesn’t bother me, but my phone issues did not get resolved until I got home around midnight. Even bought another charger and still couldn’t get it powered. While I’m sure this occurs with iPhones, it seems to happen a lot less frequently.

        I have an iPod and I do love that feature in Safari to jump to the top of a page.

        I have nova launcher on my Moto X, because I didn’t love the stock launcher and it’s widget features. I have a few screens set up, I rarely look at anything other than the home screen.

        1. Al Lo*

          Things like certain photo editing apps, Stylebook (closet inventory app), WordSwag, some of the banking/investing/saving apps, etc. It wasn’t so much the big corporate apps (I mean, Google, Microsoft, and my bank were all available for both platforms) as the interesting ways to use my phone better.

          I kept getting tired of seeing Mashable’s roundup of “best 5 apps this week” and realizing that 3 of them were iOS only.

          1. Audiophile*

            I don’t do any photo editing on my phone. It’s largely emailing, banking, surfing the net, texting, reading AAM and a few other blogs, listening to music through Tidal and playing a few mobile games. I know almost every app I use has an iPhone app available.

            I’ve read Mashable’s roundup but not recently, I’ll have to check it out again.

    2. Book Lover*

      I have always had Apple devices – iMac, iPad, etc – but started with an android phone. I switched over pretty quickly. I loved having the integration of all my devices and prefer pretty much everything about it. I think if you don’t use other Apple devices, you don’t get as much benefit, though.

      1. Audiophile*

        I don’t have other apple products, well, I have an old iPod and that’s it. I’ve considered a Macbook Pro or iPad, but haven’t bought one yet.

        I don’t mind financing it through my carrier, since I’m not planning to leave them anytime soon. It’ll increase my bill a bit, but I think it will resolve some of the weird issues I’ve had lately. I’m still mulling it over and probably won’t make a purchase until next weekend.

    3. Observer*

      I’m not sure why you want to switch to Apple? All phones start having problems at a certain point. Unless you phone is relatively “young” it could just be age. Or it could be the particular model – I don’t know how well the Moto X Pure has held up.

      But, if you do want to move to Apple, you should know that you can use pretty much any of the Google apps and services on the iPhone, even google maps. The thing you lose is that they (mostly) can’t be your default. Neither can Waze be. So if you use the functionality that let’s you map your route directly from your calendar, that will only work with Apple Maps, if I’m not mistaken.

      If you can work without these apps being the default, you should be fine.

      1. Audiophile*

        Curious – are you an Android or iPhone user?

        The Moto X is a little over a year old, so “old”ish for a phone for some people, but I usually keep my phones for a few years.

        I know phones start to have problems, but the charging was the least of the problems. I can deal with a few hours without my phone. A few weeks ago, the screen scrambled. I can only describe it as a rainbow of colors, I eventually got it to shut off and turn back on. This happened again about a week or two after that. It could have been anything, interference from another device or the battery getting too hot. It’s been mostly fine since the, except for the battery issues which are pretty widely reported. To deal with the battery issues I generally carry my charger with me.

        As for not being able to make any Google apps the default, I’ve seen a few work-arounds, so I’m not too worried about that.

        I’m looking at the Pixel as well, but not sure yet.

        1. CAA*

          I switched from iPhone to Android last summer when I decided to use Google Fi as my cell provider. I have a Nexus 5X and it took about a week to get used to it, so I don’t think you’ll have too much trouble going the other way if that’s what you want. You’ll probably miss the back button the most and you’ll have to get used to double clicking the home button to see the recently used apps. Also, overall the iPhone UI is just much less customizable. I didn’t really care, but if you’ve got a custom Android launcher you might feel limited.

          I do use an iPad, but I mostly use Chrome as the browser and Maps or Waze for navigation. It is really annoying that those are not the defaults though, and things are always opening in Safari and Apple maps, so don’t underestimate that inconvenience. On the iPad I use the native mail app to connect to my Gmail account and a few others and it works fine. If I only had a Gmail account, I’d probably use Google’s app.

          One other thing to think about is photo management. Do you want photos automatically transferred to the cloud? Verify that there’s a working iPhone app that integrates to the cloud of your choice, and be aware that Apple really wants you to use iCloud. I have both my iPad and Android phone automatically backing photos up on Microsoft’s OneDrive, and then that syncs automatically to my computer. The photos from the iPad do not show up on the phone, which is what I want.

          1. Audiophile*

            I don’t use Google’s Photos app, I mainly use Dropbox for photo management.

            I’m sure it will be an inconvenience not to be able to defualt to Google’s apps. And I do like Google’s new keyboard. I used to use more apps that allowed for customization, like handcent for texting but I’ve largely moved away from those.

        2. Observer*

          Android.

          The Pixel is a nice phone. And, if you worry about updates, they will get them right away.

          I agree, a phone should not be having problems at that age. For that price, you should definitely be getting 2 – 3 years. In general, it seems to me that Motorola’s quality, at least in term of long(ish) term usability has started to go down.

          You may want to look into the LG G6. The reviews I am seeing are very positive, and they seem to have gone back to using quality materials.

          1. Audiophile*

            It does look like a nice phone and I would probably get updates quicker than with the Moto.

            It shouldn’t be doing funky things at just over a year old I have Moto care but I don’t have a comparable backup, so I don’t want to send it in.

            I had the LG 3 when I first joined my carrier 2 years ago and did like it, but really wanted an Android phone that hadn’t been altered too much by the phone maker. Thus I picked the Moto X Pure.

            I may just wait, there should be another iPhone coming out in September and Google has announced early plans for two new Pixel phones, though those likely won’t be seen unitl late 2017 or early 2018.

            1. Observer*

              I agree – your phone shouldn’t be having problems.

              The reason I mentioned the LG is that reviews indicated that they have dialed back their interface changes.

  70. Vanilla*

    Best tips for saving money on an Alaskan cruise? We have already booked the cruise, so looking for thoughts on how to save money onboard.

    1. Gene*

      Either buy the drink package or go really easy on the alcohol and soft drinks. Go offline completely; internet on the ship is slow and expensive and you’ll get hit with international roaming in Canada. Do you really want to take that shore excursion? Stay out of the casino, poor table game rules and the worst video poker paytables I’ve ever seen; I can only assume the slot hold is just as high.

    2. Elkay*

      If you’re drinkers or have a favourite soft drink check out the rules for what you can take onboard. Buy the drinks package after you leave port as there’s no sales tax to pay at sea (we got caught by this but they waived it when I queried it because I’m not American so not used to taxes being added and I argued they hadn’t told me).

      On port days you can still eat on the ship so you don’t need to buy food off the ship.

      Honestly, we didn’t pay for anything on board other than the drinks package and tips.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I have never been to Alaska, but from my experience of cruise ships, try to limit what you eat to the inclusive restaurants rather than the ones which require an additional supplement (unless it’s a kind of food you really want to try). I would also only eat snacks/ice cream/coffee and cake when I was in the ports, again unless it was something really special (pizza in Naples) with my main eating on the ship.

        It also helps with budgeting if you can do a daily check of your on-board spending, so there is no nasty shock on the last day. One ship I have cruised on has an interactive TV where you can see how many drinks you consumed in the bar!

        1. Liblady*

          Look at the excursions you may want to do and then research to see it you can find a local company that offers the same experience for less. We just did that for a Hawaiian cruise and saved a lot on whale watching trips. Just be sure the local company will get you back to the cruise ship in time. The cruise ship will wait for an overdue ship excursion, but not for late returns otherwise. Ship excursions tend to cost a lot, but you are paying for the convenience of instant transportation to and from the excursion.

    3. CAA*

      Eat on board the ship, not in ports. Food is very expensive in Alaska, and you’ve already paid for it on the ship. You will not be allowed to take food off the ship, so plan meals and snacks accordingly.

      Otherwise, to save money while aboard, just keep your sign and sail card in your pocket and don’t use it to pay for anything. Everything you need is included in the fare, though there are many, many opportunities to spend more, so pay attention to what you’re signing for and check your charge folio daily. Usually you can review it on the TV, but the Purser’s desk will also print it for you whenever you ask.

      Many Alaskan ports are pretty easy to visit on your own and save on the cost of excursions. Ketchikan in particular is enjoyable to walk around. Juneau has public buses. Skagway has private companies that sell seats on the same train that the more expensive cruise excursions take. We used Chilkoot Charters when we were in Skagway.

      If you want to do the more exciting touristy excursions like helicoptering to a glacier, driving a sled dog team, seeing grizzlies feeding in the rivers, etc, you will pay a lot for those.

      Check your cell phone coverage. Your U.S. plan may include coverage while on land, but you need to check your phone to make sure it’s not hitting the ship’s tower or a Canadian tower. Important: turn your smart phone off while on board or make very certain it’s set to not allow data usage while roaming. Even if you’re in U.S. waters, the ship’s system is just like international roaming.

      Alaska is beautiful! Enjoy your cruise.

      1. CAA*

        P.S. cruisecritic.com has a very active forum for Alaska cruising. They were really helpful when we went a few years ago.

    4. super anon*

      My partner and I went on an Inside Passage Alaska cruise next year and had a great time. We didn’t buy any excursions because neither one of us are big winter fans, plus we felt they were a bit expensive for what you get. However, if we go again I would probably do one of the train excursions in Skagway. I found Skagway to be a really disappointing port without much to do and we were stopped there for 15 hours – but we saw pretty much the entire city and walked out to the little graveyard and waterfall in about 3. There’s a tasty Beavertails-eqsue place there as well that wasn’t bad, and was absolutely massive for the price. Instead of excursions we went online and looked up things to do and just walked around the towns ourselves and planned out own itinerary. I’ve also read about people renting cars and going on their own drives to places rather than relying on the ship or public transit.

      I know other commentators said not to buy food in port, but if you’re stopping in Juneau I would highly recommend buying smoked salmon from a place called Taku Store over by the Holland America terminal. It’s honestly the best smoked salmon I ever had and I wish I could get more on a regular basis. I also found the food on the boat to get a bit boring, and I value eating at new and exciting places so we made a point of eating at some of the restaurants and cafes in the area.

      I don’t drink any drinks that aren’t water, wine, or coffee, so we didn’t buy the beverage package on the boat as when we did the math we didn’t find it very economical. Instead we paid the corkage fee and brought on our own bottles of wine to enjoy in our room. Even with the fee this was cheaper than buying bottles of wine on the boat. We also didn’t eat at any of the up-charge restaurants as we didn’t find what they were offering particularly exciting. Oh, and the coffee on the boat is really gross. They also don’t have any non-dairy creamer options. If you value tasty coffee and don’t want to pay at the ship’s cafe for fancy (and better tasting) drinks, you might consider bringing a french press on the boat and using hot water from the cafeteria to make your own in your room.

      To save money you can ask to have the auto-grat taken off your bill, but honestly I wouldn’t. The people on the ship work really hard to make sure your vacation is enjoyable and you don’t want for anything, so I think the 15% a day you’re charged is worth it. Plus, on our boat we heard someone arguing with the front desk staff on the ship about removing the fee and honestly they just came off as cheap, rude, and miserly. It was pretty awkward, and I especially wouldn’t want to be remembered as the person who doesn’t want to tip when I’m trapped on a boat for 7 days.

      Finally, there’s so many opportunities to spend money on the boat, but they’re not a pre-requisite. There’s lots of activities that have free champagne, just make sure you can resist spending money at the events the free champagne lures you to.

  71. Mela*

    Does anyone have any recommendations for budgeting systems that are no tech? I’m talking paper and pencil. My mother-in-law has recently disclosed to me that she has gotten in over her head with credit card debt and has no idea about how to go about paying it off. I can walk her through the basics, but she needs to start keeping track of her money and some sort of book or worksheet is definitely needed. She can barely use a Kindle, so any tech options are out, unfortunately.

    1. Elkay*

      How involved do you want to be? If you’re happy to be the provider print out for her a daily record sheet where she had to fill in money in/out with a description and a running total, for each new day/sheet she puts the new running total from the bottom of the previous sheet. Then on the days she has direct debits/deposits you can have those already on the sheet, she just needs to carry over the total from the previous day. Remind her to check the sheets against her bank statement.

      I’m not sure about how to go about paying off the debt (other than consolidate to a 0% card if you can) but the process above is a printed out version of how I track my spending.

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      Google the envelope system.

      You figure out what your expenses are for the month, and your income, and then put the money to pay each thing in a labeled envelope. Then if you want to pay more for something than what you have available in the envelope, you have to take from another envelope. It’s very low tech, and it’s been around for ages and is touted by Dave Ramsey so I know there are worksheets and things out there for it.

      2. Melody Pond*

        I was just coming to say this same thing. If she needs a low tech option, then converting a big chunk of her money into cash (especially for variable expenses) and sticking the cash into different envelopes based on what the money should be used for, is probably a great way to go.

    3. Dizzy Steinway*

      First off, she should get in contact with an organisation that helps and supports people who are in debt. Try these for the USA: https://www.usa.gov/debt#item-36612

      She ideally needs to speak to a financial counsellor who can make sure she’s not paying more than she needs to. They won’t judge. And they may be able to help her work out a budget.

      Secondly, the really key thing is to allocate money to different categories before you spend it, not just track it afterwards. I totally learned this from You Need A Budget (an app but you can use the same principles on paper).

      To make a budget, take a piece of paper and list following:

      Section 1: set costs
      – Repayments on high priority debts (ones that could result in legal action or loss of home if not paid)
      – Repayments on other debts
      – Essentials with a set cost e.g. rent or mortgage, any set fees for medical, dental or car stuff, phone, etc.

      Section 2: variable costs
      – Essentials without a set cost e.g. food, toiletries.
      -Non-essentials you’d ideally like to budget for. Include everything e.g. saving money towards Christmas needs to be in there. Don’t skip this. You are unlikely to actually stick to a budget if you’ve not allowed for anything non-essential.

      Now add it all up and compare to your income. Not enough to cover it? See where you can make cuts – budget less for food, renegotiate with providers, anything you can cut down to make it work.

      When you get paid, you need to allocate your paycheck to each of these categories before you spend it. Some people find it helps to put cash in envelopes for different categories – e.g. put cash for food in an envelope and only use that.

      It’s also important to work on changing your habits. Does she know why she got into debt as that’s the symptom and not the problem? Money worries? Impulse shopper? If you don’t get at the cause it’s very hard to change the behaviour.

      1. Mela*

        Thank you, this is super helpful, as is envelopes–I had totally forgotten about envelopes!

        The main issue with her budget is that she gets a small amount from SS and the rest from domestic cleaning work, so her income is super variable. Winter is rough on her because people cancel and she has no way to predict how much she’ll have. I’ve already told her to start tracking how much she earns each week to get an average, but even with that, it is super variable.

        She’s a DV survivor and a lot of the abuse was financial, so she’s always been in survival mode and indulged too much once she was in control of her own money. She also was using spending money to make herself feel better. She’s recognized this and is working on better, healthier habits that don’t cost money. We’ve convinced her that she doesn’t need to spend money on us/the grandkids at Christmas, so thankfully that kind of saving isn’t necessary.

        I think we’ll do a combination of envelopes and I guess I’ll have to create a tracking sheet for her as well. Thanks again all!

        1. something*

          Simplest system is to use ready-made household budget worksheets. Many free versions available on the web.

        2. Dizzy Steinway*

          She’s absolutely not the first person to have those issues and it’s awesome that she’s asking for help from those around her.

          Ideally she’d look at saving a small cushion of money for those times when things are harder so she doesn’t go straight into the red. Even if she only starts by putting a few dollars aside it’s important to try.

          I used to spend money to make myself feel better. Something that helped a lot was making Pinterest boards and pinning things instead of buying them, as I felt I was still doing something with the thing I felt I wanted. I also had to go through the painful realisation that I was trying to buy something that wasn’t really for sale. Therapy helped a great deal with that – do you think this is something she’d consider?

        3. Jessesgirl72*

          In a lot of ways, because her income is variable, the envelope system works even better for her. Figure out what her non-variable expenses are, and then in the months where she earns more, she can either have more money to go toward things that aren’t necessity, or put more money away for the lean months.

          My husband and I basically use the envelope system, but instead of envelopes, since we don’t use cash often, it’s columns on a spreadsheet.

  72. Al Lo*

    After 5 years of almost-daily use, our Roomba is almost dead. We definitely want another robot vacuum, but there are a lot more brands at a lot more price points now than there were in 2012. Does anyone have any experience or recommendations for other brands? I’m happy to get another roomba, but am open to other options, too.

    1. CAA*

      Thesweethome.com tested them earlier this month and they recommended the Eufy, which I’d never heard of, over the Roomba. You can head over to their site to read the whole article if you like.

  73. Chocolate Teapot*

    In the latest installment of my bedroom light saga, I am pleased to report that a menacing email from my landlord has resulted in the electrician scheduled to visit tomorrow. Apparently there will need to be major re-wiring and testing things, and unfortunately nobody can say how long it will take.

    I am looking forward to foregoing my daily ritual of having to reset the fuse box. It had to be done 3 times in one day last week, and it is not good for the contents of my well stocked freezer.

  74. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    As per my earlier best/worst post: I keep getting “when will you get engaged questions.” Or “are you engaged yet” questions.. Don’t worry, I’m just as curious as y’all when my time’s coming. (I mean, I know its within the next several-ish months but the tension is….palpable lol). The future bride at the shower point-blank asked me if I was engaged (she lacks tact) :/ Another friend stepped in saying I was basically already engaged (SO and I are casually house hunting and he gave me the ring timeframe. Any clever comebacks I can use?

    Also, my cousin finished chemo but the cancer type has an 80% relapse rate in a year. How do I stop that from looming over me when I spend time with her?

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I think that the friends are getting a little annoying.
      So my suggestions are:

      “Same answer as the last time you asked.”

      “You’ve asked me that already.”

      “Gee, are you asking me that AGAIN?”

      You have a lot more patience than I do. I could see it once I get married then it will be “when are you going to have kids/house/dog” over and over. I have no patience for all that repetition. They’d need to learn to stop asking.

    3. Mephyle*

      “We’re already planning to get married, so I expect I’ll be engaged some time before then.”

  75. The RO-Cat*

    For those of you interested in mindfulness meditation, specifically the science-y part of it (I know about fposte, but there are others, too, I guess), I recommend the book “The Telomere Effect” by Elisabeth Blackburn and Elissa Eppel.

    Blackburn is a molecular biologist who was awarded the Nobel prize in Medicine in 2009 for her work on the molecular mechanisms of cell life and death (specifically, a part of the DNA called “telomeres” that control the number of times a cell will divide, thus its life expectancy), a mechanism that controls both the longevity and the health of living organisms (humans y compris). Elissa Eppel is a psychiatrist specializing in research on stress response in humans. You can see where this going.

    The book explains, in layman terms, what telomeres do for our life quality, length and health and how to take care of them for a long and good, illness-free life (and also has very practical exercises and questionnaires at the end of each chapter). One of the main tools they mention, again and again, is mindfulness (any kind of meditation is good, but mindfulness tops the charts for cell renewal). I thoroughly enjoyed it, maybe someone else will enjoy it, too.

  76. Landladylurker*

    So it was a mistake to think my troubles with my tenant Irma were over.
    (Quick recap: I’m a young homeowner in my mid twenties, with two jobs and an active puppy, family obligations and a neglected social life. I have one roommate the same age as me working night shifts who is great. There is a seperate unit to my house though which I’ve rented out to “Irma” the overly “friendly” passive aggressive retiree. She was super nosy but I’d gotten a reprieve when she thought me and roomie were a couple.)

    Summary of events in the last two weeks:
    -Irma called my cellphone while I was at work (M-F 8-5, so she knew I was there) and left a vague voicemail saying it was an emergency. She had electrical problems in her unit, involving the breaker that controls the microwave and the vents over the stove. I asked my dad to go take a look since I was at work and I was half convinced she just needed to reset a breaker. There was an actual issue so I called in an electrician for the next day. Irma learns from Dad we aren’t a couple. Irma appearantly called electrician back asking for a reschedule but he wasn’t able to look at his schedule at the time and says for her to call him back during his work hours (!). She doesn’t and doesn’t say a peep to me until a week later when she says I need to get the electrician in ASAP or get her a microwave that isn’t built in so she can plug it in elsewhere. Says it unacceptable it still wasn’t fixed.

    -we had two very very light snowfalls, followed by rain and fog so the snow lasted a few hours. We live in a snowy part of Canada and it’s not in the contract for me to snow clear. She looked up my fathers work (!!!) called looking for him and left a message he needed to come shovel her driveway (?!?!?!). Dad had offhandedly remarked that after bad storms he usually loaded his snowblower into his truck and came to help us. He never offered to do it every time and he wasn’t even in the city at the time.

    -having failed at that, she shoveled herself (seriously, not necessary, we had an inch of snow), and when roomie came home from a 12 hour shift Irma cornered her in our driveway and started to ask her over and over about calling in a snow clearing service for $40/a clearing. For context, we have a tiny driveway, split in two, with each side barely having enough room for two small cars. Roomie kinda tried to laugh her off but she kept repeating the $40. Roomie told her we weren’t even going to bother shovelling our side cause it would be gone by the time I was home (she was right).

    -Roomie saw Irma start shovelling our side then, but she just wanted to sleep. By the time she’d let the puppy out and glanced back out to the driveway, Irma had abandoned our side of the driveway.

    -three days later we actually got a few inches of snow, still nothing me and roomie would necessarily shovel, but the street plow had pushed a lot onto the end of the driveway. I called Dad to help clear the end using his old pickup truck with a plow stuck to the front.

    -before he could come, Irma went to our unit at 9 am, when roomie was just falling asleep and I was at work. She wakes her up and demands she help shovel 0r pay for a service. Roomie just reminds her that I’m the owner of the house not her and that she isn’t going to pay for someone to shovel when it would take maybe 10-15 minutes. She tells her to call me. Irma complains that I’m always at work or out. My Dad comes to clear the end and Irma goes away but roomie wasn’t sure if she was happy to have it done or annoyed she couldn’t complain.

    Irma caught me leaving to go to a staff party, then the next day going out for a birthday celebration. Starts whining about her lack of social life and saying how she just got wishes people would invite her out. She gave me a big pleading look like I’d invite her along and asks where it’s at. I said something about her inviting her friends out somewhere herself if she wants to go out and left as soon as I could.

    So any tips on how to get rid of a crazy tenant when you still have 11 months on the agreement.

    1. Newby*

      You could start referring to the lease or local laws about any complaints and not go above what you are required to do. A lot of the laws about snow removal say that it has to be removed 24 to 48 hours after the snow stops falling. If that is considered good enough for public sidewalks, it seems good enough for a private driveway. If you have a similar law in your area you could just keep reminding her of it and refuse to speed up your plans just because she complained.

      When she tries to chat and you don’t want to (or are too busy too) you can stop trying to spare her feelings. You don’t need to be unnecessarily rude, but you can interupt her, say “I’m sorry but I am running late/really have to go now” and leave. Have your read captain awkward? She has great advice about how to establish and maintain boundaries with people who really don’t want to respect them.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I think I would start with an “everything in writing” policy. If she needs something for non-emergency reasons, she must EMAIL you. No buts. Everything has to be in email. You cannot– will not– respond to requests made to your roommate or your father. At the very least, you can write back to her and say, “Your lease does not cover snow removal. If you would like to pay for a service to remove snow from your side of the driveway, you may do that, but I will not cover that expense.” You can take time to organize your thoughts via email, and, of course, you would have a record. I might even go so far as to send her that instruction in writing via certified mail. If she doesn’t have email? All requests must still be in writing. She can leave them in your mailbox or something.

      Also? Tell your dad not to answer any questions about your personal life. I mean, I’m sure he was caught off guard, but make sure he’s well aware of your issues with Irma.

      As far as kicking her out… well, unless she’s breaking the lease, you kind of can’t. But you can speak to her very directly and tell her that coming to your unit at any time is unacceptable and will not get anything done anyway. But document everything. Your best hope is if she’s late with the rent or doesn’t pay one month– if she ever asks you for an extension, tell her no and evict her.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I wonder if you could say, “I think you might have very different expectations of what I can provide. (Insert list here of what you won’t do and things she can’t do, like coming to your door.) Given that, does staying here make sense for you? If you’re looking for a different kind of arrangement, I can let you out of the lease early. But if you stay, I need you to know that X, Y, and Z.”

    3. Temperance*

      When people act awkward like that around me, I just pretend not to see it and don’t acknowledge it.

      I think you need to set boundaries with her contacting your dad, though. That’s so amazingly inappropriate.

    4. Chriama*

      Step 1 – brush up on tenant laws in your area to know when you are and aren’t allowed to tell her to buzz off.
      Step 2 – stop being friendly with her. If you give an inch she’ll take a mile, so don’t leave her any openings. I second the recommendation to put everything in writing. For stuff like the electrician I would email her telling her to call your approved service provider to schedule an appointment and that you’ll be handling the bill. And get an arrangement in place with whoever (plumber, electrician, handyman) about what you will and won’t cover so she doesn’t try to sneak anything onto your tab. But make it so that she has a number to call to schedule appointments when it’s convenient for her and you just take care of the billing stuff, and do it all in writing so she can’t bring up false complaints.
      Step 3 – for stuff you’re not responsible for, send her an email detailing her rights. There was a good comment with wording about how snow clearing isn’t in her lease. I would go further and say that she is responsible for keeping sidewalks shovelled as per city bylaws (if that’s true. It is where I live) and that any fines that arise from her failure to comply with the bylaws will be her responsibility. Also state that she does not need to shovel your side of the driveway or sidewalk. All in all, just draw clear boundaries around what she’s responsible for, how much help you’ll give her and do everything in writing.

    5. super anon*

      If you live in British Columbia there is a clause in the RTA that lets you evict a tenant if the owner/family of the owner wants to move into the unit. I would suggest looking into that, especially if you have family that could “move in” for the minimum length of time required by the RTA and then rent it out again. I’ve never done this, but I think you may need to get them 3 months notice & waive one month of the rent as part of the process. However, don’t lie about family moving in and then turning around to rent it again right away or you’ll have to pay the equivalent of 3 months rent out to the former tenant, and honestly someone as irritating as Irma I could see going through the effort of trying to make sure that you really rented the unit out to family.

    6. Jerry Vandesic*

      You are over your head. You need to get her out. She violated the first rule of landlording: “The landlord is in charge.” (If you don’t believe that, you should not have a tenant.)

      My suggestion is to check out the Mr. Landlord web site and discussion forum: http://www.mrlandlord.com/landlordforum/ They provide a lot of great advice.

      Do a search on the forum for the “Happy Clause.” As in, “Irma, It’s obvious you are not happy here. If you will move out by the end of the month, I will let you out of the lease. This offer expires is 10 days.” If she moves, great. If she does not move, you have taken charge, and your response to her requests should be to either ignore them or get them in writing.

      BTW, you should also look up the obligations for a landlord to shovel snow for a multi-unit dwelling. In my state the landlord has 6 hours for snow more than 1″. You need to do what that law requires, not what you think is reasonable. And it doesn’t matter if you are at work. You are running a business, and your other obligations do not relieve you of your legal responsibilities. If necessary, you need to hire someone if you cannot personally handle the shoveling in the legally prescribed time frame.

  77. Landladylurker*

    Just want to clarify she woke roomie up by just ringing the doorbell until she got up. She thankfully can’t enter our unit.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      OMG. You need to tell her, clearly and directly, that she needs to stop that. Seriously. That’s totally unacceptable. The idea above about requiring her to use email for everything is good. You should also directly say, “I need you to stop knocking on my door, ever. I will be as responsive as I can via email, but you cannot keep coming to my door as it’s disturbing my other tenant, interfering with people’s sleep, etc. I need you to be very clear going forward about how to reach me.”

      1. BRR*

        Totally. Define (and limit) how to reach you. And that you are the sole person to contact. Not your dad or roommate.

    2. Sylvia*

      What?!

      I feel like opening the door, glaring, and slamming it shut.

      I’ll second Alison’s advice, though.

  78. NaoNao*

    A couple weeks ago I posted on the work thread about starting my own biz, and a few posters expressed some interest, so I’ve linked the site in my name.
    I source second hand (sometimes new with tags!) and vintage women’s clothing sizes 12-18, L-2X, with a focus on ethical, socially responsible, and sustainable brands, and shoe sizes 9-12. I’m hoping to add petites, but petites I feel your pain, it is dang near impossible to find stuff!
    The look is artsy professional, and my general target is in her (or his, or xie’s, I’m open to all!) late 20’s to early 50’s—that age where fast fashion and trends aren’t quite cutting it, but stores in the mall that cater to older women seem very conservative and a bit stuffy.
    I know from experience it’s tough to find cool, but not too trendy clothing for certain ages, so I decided to just make my own store.
    I have an eBay store, etsy to come, a blog, and a FB page, most of which are linked to one another (you can search “neither nor” on FB I think) all for the biz, so if it’s something that interests you, you can follow for updates. :)

    1. ArtK*

      Cool business plan. I hope that it works out for you!

      If you haven’t run into the brand before, keep an eye out for Pinup Girl Clothing (pinupgirlclothing.com). They meet your ethical, socially responsible (and, I think sustainable) criteria as well has having a lot of stuff in your size ranges. A lot of their stuff is vintage-inspired and is certainly artsy. Checkout the list of their brands on the web site, since they have several labels.

  79. Chriama*

    Recommendations for audiobooks I can listen to while working out? I mostly get them from my library’s overdrive site. I’ve listened to all the Agatha Christie mysteries they have and I don’t really know where else to go. FYI I don’t really love Agatha Christie but she was tolerable. I’ve tried reading other mysteries and Father Brown weirds me out while I hate the modern mysteries that more more gory and sex-based. I’ve also been surprised a couple times with a story where the bad guy was a pedophile and I don’t like stories about child abuse. I love P.G. Wodehouse but I’ve read all of those, too. I also like non fiction like Freakonomics and Stumbling on Happiness but I can never tell from reading the description whether it’s going to be a good book or super boring and dry. As far as stories go I also like Greek mythology but if the writing isn’t modern then I probably won’t be able to get immersed in it while working out. I really liked the Percy Jackson series and other YA books like Alex Rider and Artemis Fowl, but I’ve obviously exhausted those authors a while ago. I’d like something new because wondering about what’s coming next will distract me from the misery of working out. I also listen to the Black Jack Justice podcast from Decoder Ring Theatre and I’d love something else like that. I haven’t been able to find any good detective noir stories like that.

    Sorry that this was such a stream of consciousness. I welcome any and all suggestions!

    1. Sugar of lead*

      Try The Dresden Files. It’s urban fantasy/noir detective, so a little different from what you’re used to. The main character is a PI wizard with a very dry wit and a dwindling bank account. They’re told very vividly; you’ll totally get immersed and forget how much your muscles are burning. No child abuse in the first eight books, which is as far as I’ve come, and they’re read by James Marsters.

      From my own library:
      METAtropolis books are nice if you like scifi. It’s an anthology in a shared universe done by a bunch of sci fi authors including Elizabeth Bear and John Scalzi, and read by actors from stuff like Star Trek and BSG. NB it’s an audible exclusive so you probably won’t find it at the library.

      There’s a version of The Handmaid’s Tale read by Claire Danes. It’s not the most uplifting of tales and the writing can get dense, but the narration is raw and emotional and almost like someone’s talking to you instead of reading.

      You probably won’t like Under the Dome. It’s a Stephen King doorstopper that I listened to on the bus from New York to Chicago and then back again and still didn’t finish. The suspense will give you a heart attack. Many, many people die and there’s a pretty graphic rape scene. It was read by Raul Esparza, who did different voices for everyone and has just the right timing to make Stephen King’s dark humor work. He reads another series called the Sam Dryden series, and I’m currently about two hours into book 1, so I couldn’t tell you if it’s the kind of thing you’d like–more thriller than mystery so far.

      Couple others, but nothing memorable. Best of luck from a fellow audiophile.

    2. LawCat*

      If you like fantasy YA, you might like Daughter of Smoke and Bone. It’s the first of three books.

    3. Rebecca*

      I really like the Harry Bosch series from Michael Connelly, along with the Mickey Haller books. Many of them are available on my eBranch2Go Library, and I picked up the ones that weren’t pretty cheap on eBay or used my Audible subscription when they had a BOGO deal. I highly suggest listening to the books in order, and including the ones that are not exactly “Harry Bosch” related, as sometimes things in those books are discussed later.

    4. The Unkind Raven*

      Have you tried Dorothy L. Sayers, Josephine Tey, or Margery Allingham? All peers of Agatha Christie, although I especially like Josephine Tey much better.

    5. Newby*

      If you are looking for a “cozy mystery”, try M.C. Beaton’s Agatha Raisin series. It was cute and funny. I know my library has some of those available on audiobook.

        1. Gingerblue*

          I adore these books. They’re sort of part mystey, part slice of life in Botswana, and they’re one of my favorite things when I’m in a bad mood. They’re full of people generally trying to be decent to each other despite human foibles. The mysteries being investigated are frequently pretty low-stakes (is a woman’s husband cheating on her? why can the local soccer team not win? can you help me find someone I owe money to?), which is a nice change from the all murder, all the time strand of mysteries.

    6. Jessica*

      Have you tried Dorothy Sayers’ Lord Peter books? Classic English murder mysteries. Ian Carmichael’s reading of them is fantastic!

    7. Chriama*

      Thanks to everyone! I’ve borrowed a few of these and put a bunch more on hold. I’ll report back in a few weeks.

      1. tigerStripes*

        Donna Andrews has a bird series that is a cozy mystery series and is fun.

        If you like silly funny, try Car Talk CDs.

    8. Gingerblue*

      Some podcasts I like:

      Welcome to Nightvale. SFF, has been massively popular in the last couple of years. Done in the style of community radio broadcasts for a small, deeply weird town in the desert. Did a crossover with Decoder Ring Theater at one point, so there’s a lot of audience overlap.

      The Hidden Almanac. Short (4-5 min) podcasts, a combination of “this day in history” segments for an imaginary country and garden news, brought to us by one Reverend Mord. Frequently very funny. Gradually develops continuity and overarching plot. Written by Ursula Vernon, an artist/author that people who like SFF may have run across, and performed by her husband Kevin. Not necessarily great for exercise, though, as the back catalogue is mostly only available via their website and not podcast apps.

      Kevin and Ursula Eat Cheap, by the same people as the last podcast. Kevin and Ursula sit at their kitchen table and eat weird foods (novelty Peeps, strange ramen flavors, mysterious hot sauces, microwavable horrors) and rate them. Believe me, this is vastly more entertaining than it sounds, because they’re both hilarious. I like to put it on while cooking.

  80. laundry*

    This might be too late to get an answer (and if so, I’ll post again next week), but how often do you wash your gym clothes?

    I live in an apartment without a washing machine. I have to walk a couple blocks for the closest laundromat and one load to wash and dry comes out to about $10. I workout at least 5 days a week – 3 days cardio and 2 days strength training. I generally wear the same outfit each of those days unless is really starts to reek, but a lot of advice says it’s gross or that you should only wear sports bras/tops/pants/shorts once before washing.

    I have about 5 sets of workout clothes but wearing one set each day and washing it at the end of the week would total about $40/month, if not more depending on multiple day or weekend workouts. That’s a lot of money to spend on laundry each month, not to mention I’m lucky if I can even find a free washing machine when I go to the laundromat. In an ideal world I’d buy more workout clothes, but I’m on a strict budget and I don’t really have room in my apartment for anymore clothes.

    I know I don’t wash my non-workout clothes as much as I should because it’s expensive (and half of them I have to dry clean because the washing machines are awful and tear them), but I’m not sweating in my work or weekend clothes as much as workout clothes. So, advice? Is it okay if I wear my workout clothes more than one day in a row without washing them as long as they’re not super smelly?

    1. Chriama*

      I’m probably the wrong person to ask because I sometimes wear workout stuff long after it’s started smelling, but I’d say yes. As long as you have something over it when you’re out and about so the smell doesn’t disperse, I feel like it’s ok to be smelly inside a gym. I also sometimes use the FeBreeze fabric spray for clothes that I don’t want to wash too often, like sweaters so maybe try hanging your clothes up and spraying them after a workout and see if that increases their wearable life.

    2. Al Lo*

      A spray bottle of vodka is every theatre costumer’s secret weapon for stretching out time between washes. Spritz the clothes and let them dry, and that gives you a little longer.

    3. Sidestep*

      I commute to work by bike, and now that I have enough kit to do so wear a set twice before washing. A really good option in between laundry loads can be to take your workout clothes in the shower with you: soap, rinse, and leave to drip dry. This might even be easier on your clothes and most synthetics dry within a day or two.

      1. Alcott*

        Seconding the shower suggestion. I do long distance running in a hot climate, so my clothes can be pretty rank after a workout. I just throw them in the shower with me to rinse out and hang them up when I get out.

    4. Rebecca*

      Would it be feasible to hand wash them in the bathroom? You could get a tub, put it in your shower, fill it with water and detergent, hand wash for a minute or so, then let it sit for a while, then rinse out and hang on plastic hangers. They should dry fairly quickly, and a stand fan would speed things along in the summer. Hope this helps.

      1. LizB*

        This! Workout clothes are usually made from pretty quick-drying fabrics, too, so they shouldn’t take too long to dry.

    5. Colette*

      I usually switch out the shirt but where everything else multiple times (but that’s more personal preference than a practical reason). As long as you hang them up so they can dry, you should be fine wearing them a few times.

    6. Thursday Nest*

      Yes, I wash my clothes after they smell, not before. I rotate between clothes and leave them out to dry/air out (I have a drying rack) between uses. I don’t go to a gym, I just run/bike/hike outdoors so that may contribute to my lack of pickiness but I think as long as they’re not too rank, you’re fine.
      As others said, maybe you can wash a couple of items with you in the shower or in the bathroom sink?
      Also, if you’re looking to buy new workout clothes, I’ve started buying Smartwool or icebreaker shirts and the merino wool shirts don’t get as smelly as synthetics. They are expensive though – I wait for sales or shop discount sites for them.

    7. AcidMeflux*

      Do you have a clothesline? I’ve found that airing out once-worn clothing for a day or so with the help of some Febreeze can do the trick.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I have several pairs of leggings, etc. and I usually wear them twice before they go in the laundry. I put on a new shirt and new undies every time because they get sweaty, but in winter, I’ve worn the shirt a couple of times since I don’t sweat as much. If I’m going to wear something again, I hang it up after I take it off so it can air (I do this with pajamas since I don’t change them out every night).

      I do have a washer and dryer, but I only do laundry once a week.

    9. overeducated*

      I think washing after every wear is the luxury of people with lots of clothes storage space AND in unit washing machines. I have never been either so I’m with you. My only concern is the clothes I bike to work in, I try not to re wear those when they start to smell because I don’t want my boss and colleagues to catch a whiff.

  81. Hello From Canada*

    It’s been a couple weeks since my last update. If anyone remembers I was struggling with the idea of buying a house to get away from my parents and not feeling like I could handle that sort of financial commitment. Well… I moved in to my rented apartment last week and I’m loving it! Going back home to see my parents today and pick up some more stuff. I haven’t really finished moving in yet and it’s such a busy time at work (note to self: take vacation time to move!) but I’ve got most of my stuff now except food. I’m never buying stuff from Ikea again though, that was a nightmare to purchase and then put together, especially since I was alone. On the plus side I learned that the back seats of a sedan fold down to let long stuff through the trunk!

    I have another dilemma now. I hired some ‘movers’ (not licensed or insured, now I know better) to help me bring some big furniture in. There was one couch that was just huge. Halfway through I wanted them to stop because it just Would. Not. Fit but they wouldn’t listen and damaged the front door and part of the wall. Now this apartment was like new – new flooring, painted walls,etc. Cheap materials, obviously, but very nicely done. They said they’d fix the wall and have come back to add some drywall filler and paint it a little bit but it’s still visibly damaged. They couldn’t do anything about the door. The property manager came by for some other reason and noticed the front door, and says she’ll send me a bill for how much it costs to repair -_- She hasn’t seen the wall inside. The movers have come twice now to patch and paint the wall but they’re just so incompetent and slipshod that I don’t want to deal with them anymore. I do think that if the wall was properly painted with matching paint the damage would be unnoticeable, but I don’t have the confidence to find the right colour and paint it myself. So… what do I do now? Let the property manager know about the interior damage and just eat the cost to fix it? Don’t tell her now and let her take it out of my damage deposit when I leave? Finish applying for renter’s insurance and see if they’ll cover the bill? I’m really unhappy about the whole situation and it’s thrown a shadow over an otherwise really exciting time for me.

    1. Red Reader*

      You should be able to get the touch up paint from the maintenance staff. But personally I’d just talk to the property manager and pay for any part of the fix I couldn’t do myself, with a sincere “believe me, I’ll never make the mistake of using uninsured movers again.”

    2. copy run start*

      Let your property manager fix it, then ask your movers to compensate you for the cost. You’re kind of SOL if they refuse, but it’s worth a try. There’s no point in letting the movers continue to try and sloppily repair the wall — your landlord will eventually notice (maybe not until move out) and you’ll get charged for it anyway.

      Don’t feel too bad, apartment damage is a thing. I’ll probably get dinged for some scratches on the windowsill where I’m living now when I move out. If something happens, the best thing is to just call the landlord and pay for it. You want to build a good relationship with them, and hiding damage will destroy that. Since this is your first place, you will want a good reference if you move into another rental. Landlords can also opt to not renew your lease if you’re a bad tenant. The upside to renting is that if something breaks (fridge, stove, hot water heater), that’s on your landlord to fix and cover out of THEIR pocket!

      Also, if you haven’t already, take photos of your unit to document the shape that things are in now. You don’t want to get charged for damage that you didn’t cause.

      1. Hello From Canada*

        Thanks for the tips. Is damage like this something that renters insurance will cover? I just don’t want to be out of pocket for any more costs up front. I kind of want to just ask her to take it out of my damage deposit now. And on the subject of damage deposits, if they charge me for it now am I likely to get the deposit back when I move out or still get dinged for the damage?

        1. Jessesgirl72*

          I don’t know about Canada, but typically in the US not only would this not be covered under renter’s insurance, but you wouldn’t legally be able to ask her to take it out of your deposit. If you damaged the wall and door, she likely can make you pay her cash to fix it. (And contrary to popular belief, in the US, if the damages are above your damage deposit, they can charge you for the damage done above and beyond what your deposit covers. )

        2. Reba*

          Almost certainly not covered. Usually, such policies only cover your personal possessions. If you had a policy which somehow covered the apartment surfaces or fixtures, the policy will likely still exclude acts that you knew or “should have known” would cause damage.

          Regarding the deposit, read the fine print on your lease, which *should* spell this stuff out! Additionally, read up on tenant’s rights and related laws in your state and city. If I were you, I’d tell the manager now, rather than wait till move out. Spackle is inexpensive, and they might let you do the paint patch, or prefer to do it themselves. If they charge you now, they should not deduct from your deposit–although I’ve had the experience of leaving a perfect apartment and still having a deduction for repainting the walls, because apparently they just do that between tenants (ugh).

          Sorry that the move has presented these hiccups, but congratulations nevertheless!

    3. Zis*

      Congrats on moving. As a former property manager (now a leasing consultant after moving 4000 miles to become independent of my family), I can tell you that 99% of tenants will just wait until they move out and let their security deposit cover the damage. Depending on the level of damage though, it might be reasonable to just tell the property manager and have maintenance fix it. Also, you said that the movers came to patch and paint the wall; what was the result of that? Is it a rough patch covered with primer? Depending on what maintenance has to do it might not be something they bill you for, especially if it’s just touching up paint.

      As an aside, I would be surprised if they charged you for drywall repair if the damage is smaller than your palm and fairly shallow if you let them know now. If you wait until you move out, they will definitely charge you. And you’d have to walk past it every day, and all your guests could see it.

  82. Theresa*

    Over the past few months I’ve noticed that I’ve sort of become a shut-in (lol, I shouldn’t laugh… but it’s the truth). During a typical week, I just go to work and go home. When I get home I do nothing interesting, I watch movies, surf the internet until it’s time for bed. Occasionally, I’ll go out with a coworker, but not very often. Even my weekends are boring as hell at this point. I’m 28 and I am so boring!!!

    I wouldn’t even say that I feel “lonely,” just bored? Has anyone ever found themselves in a rut like this? I’m not sure what activities I should start doing, I just want to be more social, but I feel like I’ve become such a boring person!!

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Oh, I sympathize SO MUCH with this. When I lived alone, pre-boyfriend and pre-doggy, I would spend entire weekends alone in my apartment. I kinda loved it, but then it would feel like that rut you’re talking about. Even now, I get into those ruts– probably more so, since we moved away from my big groups of friends and it’s harder to get together with people here.

      So a couple of suggestions: first, take a class or join a hobby that requires you to get out once or twice a week. In my case, it’s choral singing, but believe me, that ain’t for everyone. So sports league, cooking class, wine tasting… basically anything that requires you to be out and about. Second, try to be a tourist in your own city. If there’s a museum or art gallery that’s open late one night a week, make a plan and go. Go on a weekend. Third, go to the movies! I looooooved going to the movies by myself. Didn’t have to deal with anyone else’s preference or schedule.

      You can also invite friends to do these things with you, but don’t wait for them. Just go out and be in the world. After a while, you’ll start to feel much more interesting. But you do have to make plans to do these things, and don’t cancel on yourself.

    2. Kowalski! Options!*

      I’m kind of in the same place, but I don’t know if it’s a rut as much as it is the result of a) grad school recoil and b) spring weather being so slow to arrive here. When I was in grad school I was running around like the proverbial headless chicken, so now that I’m done, I feel I’m kind of owed at least six months of doing diddly-squat (aside from the gym twice a week and groceries). My DBF lives in another town, so that gets me moving during the weekends as long as he isn’t working. That said, it took me a while not to feel guilty about not doing anything – I figure it’s worth it to slow down and relax, since I wasn’t able to do it when I was in school, and I felt guilty as hell about doing it when I was freelancing.

      1. Sugar of lead*

        I know what you mean about the guilt. Even when I was doing nothing because I was busy losing my marbles, I’d beat myself up for not being at work or school or out with friends. Now I’m just reminding myself that it’s temporary, that once I restart my life I’ll be back to running around like them decapitated galliformes.

        And I do love your username.

    3. TL -*

      Oh, I find it really helpful to sign up for a class or a sport or something like that – a 4-6 week commitment is usually enough to get me out of my rut without making me go, “Oh, god, what if I hate it and I’m stuck doing it for life?” Sometimes it’s things I haven’t done before, sometimes it’s things I haven’t done in a while. If you were involved in clubs at school, maybe going back to one of those activities would be helpful?

    4. The IT Manager*

      Sign up for some weekly thing. I play adult social softball. In one town I lived in I didn’t really make friends to do stuff outside softball, but I at least got out several nights a week and interacted with people.

      I moved and through softball I made a group of friends that expanded and grew. Now I’m not in a boring rut anymore.

      A friend of mine is taking weekly salsa lessons. I also ride with a social bike group and have made situational friends -we bike together- through that.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Yes and I HATE it. It’s one of the reasons I joined the meditation group–at least it gets me out of the house once a week. Since I quit skating, I don’t really have anything to do on weekends, and my nerd group only meets once every other week.

  83. Elkay*

    Spent a very nice afternoon with my parents but somehow my Mum always manages to hit a sore spot with me in conversation, namely my inability to keep friends. Normal example is “Do you ever hear from…” and the truthful response would be “No, they stopped retuning my calls/ignored my invitations” but instead I just say “No” and feel like a social pariah.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I can’t tell if she thinks you have a problem keeping friends or if you think you have a problem keeping friends.

      Instead of saying “no” can you just say, “not lately”? People come and go in our lives and that is pretty normal. Most of my friends have random contact with pockets of interaction/activity then back to the old grind (work). I am not sure how old your mom is but is she used to having most of her friends hold down full time jobs (for many that means 80 hour weeks)?

      1. Elkay*

        I have the problem. My mum keeps friends, some for 30+ years so she assumes the same of others. I’d like to be like her but I’m not. It’s not about working, both my parents worked full time, it’s about assuming I’m like her when I’m not. It’s not cruel it just hits a sore spot.

    2. StudentA*

      My mom is much more social than me, and is a serious people pleaser. I learned the people pleasing tendency from her. To her, keeping in touch with those of your past who meant a lot to you is important. I’ve been where you are — doing my part and more in holding on to friendships and getting little in return. I’ve had some folks rub it in in a malicious way. My mom has made a few remarks over the years, but not in a malicious way.

      Your mom may just be worried about you. Or she may just be wondering what those folks are up to. It’s annoying, but from what you describe, doesn’t sound malicious.

  84. Dizzy Steinway*

    Meant to say I love the word Tsunduko. I totally do that. Umberto Eco called it having an unlibrary.

  85. Jules the First*

    I’m probably too late for most people, but I’m dealing with a gnarly eye infection and totally freaking out. I’ve mentioned here before that I have monocular vision, which meant that I didn’t actually notice that I was losing sight in the infected eye (all I’ve got in that eye at the moment is colour and shape)…and now I’m on two kinds of antibiotics and terrified that the vision loss could be permanent. Anyone got reassuring stories to tell or suggestions for things to occupy myself with that don’t need good vision?

    1. Sibley*

      I hope your vision comes back once the infection is cleared up. Learn to knit or crochet? and petting an animal doesn’t require vision at all, find a friend with a friendly pet if you don’t have one. :)

    2. Zis*

      If you’re worried, I would speak to the doctor who prescribed you the medication. Generally speaking I’ve never heard of someone going blind thanks to an eye infection; it’s more likely to happen as a result of damage to your lens and that shouldn’t happen here if you’re not touching it.

      I had monocular vision as well, though that was due to a lazy eye which has been partially corrected thanks to prisms in my glasses. If you’re looking for hobbies that don’t require good vision, painting is always an option. You could also take up a physical activity that doesn’t take a lot of space or require a group, like tai chi, or something passive like meditation.

  86. Cafe au Lait*

    I’m pregnant and morning sickness is kicking my ass. I’m not even puking, I just have a strong smell aversion, and the “wrong” smells make me start dry heaving. Mornings take at least two hours to get moving because I make breakfast, take a bite and spend three minutes fighting the urge to heave. Rinse, lather and repeat.

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      Congratulations?

      Have you tried the saltines next to the bed routine, where you eat one before you even try to move otherwise?

    2. Teach*

      Congrats, and I’m sorry! I threw up daily for three pregnancies. My thoughts:
      It’s easier to throw something up than dry heave. I typically chugged a glass of water, got in the shower with the lights out, threw up efficiently in the shower, then got ready for work.
      Ginger and peppermint may help, but not at the same time. They can also mask potentially pukey smells.
      Take your vitamin at night. Unless you wake up to vomit, in which case talk to your Dr.
      This will pass. It may take a few weeks or the whole pregnancy, but it will pass. Get lots of sleep, including naps. Eat what stays down. Three Taco Bell bean burritos a day yielded me a potential National Merit Scholar, so don’t worry too much about the baby unless your Dr says to worry.

      1. Cafe au Lait*

        Did you feel better after you threw up? I have always been afraid to puke, and try my hardest not to do so. I’m afraid of feeling worse after, then working through it.

    3. Gadfly*

      A former co-worker of mine found that sniffing the lemon scented handiwipes like you get at some fast food places helped her get through that sort of thing. It was like it canceled out the other scent. Another one had a similar experience with a mint lotion. Maybe there is something similar that could work for you?

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