weekend free-for-all – April 1-2, 2017

by Alison Green on April 1, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school. If you have a work question, you can email it to me or post it in the work-related open thread on Fridays.)

Recommendation of the week: The Arrangement, by Sarah Dunn. A couple gives each other six months off from monogamy, and things go differently than expected.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Cristina in England*

    Anyone else like fake news stories for April Fool’s Day? Let’s share links to them here.

    1. AstroDeco*

      ThinkGeek always has fun fake products on April Fool’s Day. I just checked the site, the Swim Desk looks interesting!
      http://www.thinkgeek.com/

      Gotta confess, I’m weary from real or fake news or from real news that seems fake, or fake news that seems real, or adverts that read like news… So I’ll stay with The Onion for my fake news.

      2. Emily*

        I agree – I don’t mind obviously fake news, but I want to be able to easily figure out if it’s real or not. (For example, I saw today that George Takei is running for congress – probably fake, but???)

        Those ThinkGeek products are fun, though! I like the swim desk and the Shazaam VHS tape.

        1. hermit crab*

          Definitely fake! I think it’s a publicity thing to raise awareness about Jon Ossoff’s campaign. :)

          1. Very anon for this, thanks. :)*

            Definitely fake, but he allowed about eight hours between the announcements going out (still March 31st) my time, and the “it’s a joke” message, so that bites. :(

          2. Mallory Janis Ian*

            Yeah, I was bitterly disappointed by that one. I was all, “Please don’t let it be fake . . . .” Bleh!

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          On Wait Wait, Bluff the Listener featured a story I’d seen a headline for… and immediately dismissed it as being obviously fake. That for a year a reality show would fail to tell the contestants (surviving in the Scottish wilderness, mind you, not in a luxury hotel) that the show had gone off the air due to low viewership.

      3. Amadeo*

        Sometimes those things even get made if they’re popular enough. The Tauntaun sleeping bag was an April fool’s gag.

      5. neverjaunty*

        I am convinced that the “specifications” for the Swimming Desk are deliberately miscalculated to snipe nerds, because OF COURSE someone will check them.

    2. Apollo Warbucks*

      Donald Trump was visiting my home town, in the UK today.

      McDonlads are going to launch a Big Mac sauce flavoured McFlurry.

    4. Jessesgirl72*

      My neighborhood is not conducive to playing Ms Pacman. Too many dead end streets. ;)

      1. AstroDeco*

        The Gnome is hysterical. I’m going to recommend this thread to No gifts! in the thread below,
        :-D

      3. Clever Name*

        Inland whale farming from several years ago was amazing. And people fell for it and wrote indignant letters!

    8. JKP*

      Similar to “Recently Added”, today Netflix has an additional category of “Recently Canceled” showing that they have canceled their Netflix live feed. So today is the last day you can binge watch Will Arnett hosting a rambling narrative over live feeds of Netflix’s copy machine and microwave.

    11. Aussie academic*

      I loved the one where the maths professor ‘fixes’ his error of writing on a projector screen, it was really well done

    12. Nervous Accountant*

      I liked PornHub’s April fools joke
      Food and Wine magazine’s Hot dog slushie/margarita (yes its as gross as it sounds)
      Chicken parmesan recipe by Tastemade, the ingredients and recipe itself was hilarious.

  2. jamlady*

    Anyone know how to calm down during physical exams? I don’t love being touched by strangers and I don’t love doctor’s offices. My heart rate for a pre-employment exam was through the roof (seriously, 139 – but my BP was totally fine) and the tech is having me head back Monday because there’s no way I’d pass with that number. I also had to take my inhaler that morning, plus I had coffee and likely didn’t eat enough for lunch, so that wasn’t helpful, but every time I think about the BP cuff and the exam room my heart rate spikes. My stress levels have been kind of out of control lately in general – any tips for keeping relaxed? Short-term and long-term advice welcome!

    1. soupmonger*

      Try beta-blockers. They are used for anxiety and are also great for easing stressy times. They reduce the hammering heartbeat and smooth out the spiky edges but without giving you a doped-up feeling.
      I was prescribed them for anxiety and while I no longer take them regularly, I will take one when I recognise the symptoms poking their heads above the water. My GP said they are ideal for using like that – when needed, not long-term. I found that the reduced my anxiety symptoms to the point where I could think like a functioning adult and thus deal with the cause of the anxiety without resorting to anything too ‘woo’. Won’t work for everyone but boy, they worked for me.
      Good luck!

      1. Sugar of lead*

        I take beta blockers and NB they are prescription only (though I’m sure you can get them off the black market), and you might faint, so drink lots of water and don’t lock your knees.

    2. Gadfly*

      First, tell them right off that you do panic a bit/have a touch of white coat syndrome. And then have them take your blood pressure properly and not the quicky half-assed way most of them do to save time (The big errors are usually not letting you sit for 5 minutes beforehand to calm yourself, choosing the wrong size arm cuff–especially if you are larger or extra small, not positioning you with your supported arm at heart level, not having your feet flat on the floor, and talking with you while taking it). For your heart rate start by getting a good night’s sleep. Use lavender and melatonin if you have to. Make sure your bladder is empty. Breathe deeply and slowly–a box breath is good for this. Try 4 seconds in, hold 4, 4 out (completely), hold 4, repeat. Or you can spend more time on the in and out. Or lengthen all the times if that works for you. It is a very steadying breath, calming. And if you are calm, you heart rate will go down.

      2. Jessesgirl72*

        Oh yeah. I found at my Endocrinologist and OB/GYN’s office that my BP, that has been high or borderline for YEARS, is all of a sudden near perfect. Because they take it properly, and with the right sized cuff, since they have the larger ones on hand, and aren’t too lazy to have to hunt if down if it’s not in the exam room. Now I refuse to let them take my BP if they don’t have the right cuff, period.

    3. Channel Z*

      I get so distraught for smears that the doctor prescribed me Xanax. I didn’t take it though, as can’t drive. One time a took a long hot bath and had chamomile tea just before, that really helped me relax and being in the bath calms down touch sensitivity.

    4. AliceBD*

      I second the box breath for immediate use and a beta blocker prescription for the future.

      I have acid reflux that is triggered by me getting unusually stressed (also triggered by certain foods), and beta blockers have been a life changer. Instead of feeling super sick and eventually throwing up at every major event, I use them before unusual events like jury duty last week (including a very stressful car ride into the city center at rush hour) and job interviews. They don’t change my brain at all — no drowsiness or fuzziness — but it’s a physical difference of calmness that was almost startling the first time I took them.

    5. C Average*

      There’s this stuff called Rescue Remedy that I love. It’s an herbal supplement from the hippie granola section of the store, which normally makes me highly skeptical, but I swear this stuff really works for taking the edge off anxiety. I rely on it for getting through a handful of stressful situations I have to deal with semi-regularly. (Weird but true: you can use it on your pets, too.)

      1. Rabbit*

        Rescue Remedy is GREAT stuff, but you should not use the regular made for humans kind with pets – it’s an alcohol base, and that can be not so great for animals. They do make a pet one though – which works wonders with my anxious dog and car rides!

        1. C Average*

          Wow, I’ve never known that! Thank you. I started using the stuff on the recommendation of my sister, who was like, “This stuff is great! It works for animals AND people!” I’ve never actually dosed an animal with mine, but I wonder if my sister knows the two are different? I’ll have to ask her. Anyway, thanks for the info.

    6. Anon attorney*

      I have been known to take xanax or beta blockers too. The last smear test i had done i managed to get through it with yoga breathing. Breathe slowly in through the nose, deeply into the abdomen, for a count of four, then exhale through the mouth for four. Repeat, but don’t hyperventilate – slow, deep and balanced is the key. Apparently the long exhale activates the parasympathetic nervous system and induces calm. Idk if that’s scientifically valid, but I find the breathing pattern does calm me. Equally, however, if you need meds, there’s nothing wrong with that. Good luck!

    7. danr*

      Practice on yourself. Buy a good blood pressure device and use it regularly and write down your readings. You’ll get bp and pulse. Omron makes a good wrist device that is easy to use. In the short term, don’t have coffee before the check, eat a light lunch and control the test. Tell the tech that you have to relax first. Have the tech put the bp cuff on but not start. Sit quietly and breathe gently for a couple of minutes. Once you feel relaxed signal to start the test.

      1. gsa*

        True. The hardest part for me is still to sit still for 15 minutes before taking a reading… Maybe I should try after work, not first thing in the AM…

    8. Father Ribs*

      Listen to some calming music as you wait? If you like Cello try Zoe Keating; it’s complex enough to keep your mind occupied but very meditative.

      1. Wendy Darling*

        I listen to Zoe Keating at the dentist. I have a raging dentist phobia but it’s both soothing and complicated enough to hold my focus.

        What it’s not is loud enough to drown out a drill so sometimes I go for classic rock instead.

    9. Bagpuss*

      Definitely tell them you are scared, that’s relevant.
      If you’ve ever been taught breathing exercises / relaxation techniques etc then use those (my mother always uses the ones she was taught when she was pregnant, and says they work very effectively for her)

      1. Chaordic One*

        This actually does work. I can actually lower my blood pressure by calming myself and doing slow, deep, rhythmic breathing. I learned the technique from a psychologist, but there are videos that demonstrate the technique on YouTube. Just google “calming breathing exercises.”

        Don’t do them when you’re driving or operating machinery.

    10. Stephanie*

      This may not work for you, but I actually read up on what’s being done and try to visualize it. I used to get incredibly anxious before Pap smears and I realized it was because I had one too many obgyns just start the procedure without much warning (and you can’t see what’s happening down there).

      I would just be upfront with the nurse/doctor/lab tech about your anxiety. I’m sure you’re not the first patient to have that issue.

    11. Anono-me*

      For your heart rate, can the the doctor use a finger monitor and give you a chance to calm down from all of the other stuff?

    12. jamlady*

      Thanks everyone! I followed pretty much all of the breathing/music/doctor request/etc. advice and they gave me a female tech this time and she let me lay down in a dark quiet room and listen to my classical piano for 20 minutes beforehand. They also decided to do the finger monitor since my BP was fine and that helped a lot (that thing is just painful). I was able to pull of an 89 and the tech and I did a happy dance behind closed doors before I had to venture out to the rest of the exam haha!

      For long-term, I think beta-blockers might be a good idea as my anxiety is very quick and my heart is often beating out of control even if I am working through a situation perfectly fine on the surface. And as for the smear fear – I kicked my last doc right in the chest. A little warning is needed, yo. Especially when the patient is very clearly having an anxiety attack.

      I’m curious about the Rescue Remedy – I want to look into that.

      For anyone else with the same issue – I also read about “bearing down” (pushing down almost like you would if constipated) to lower your heart rate in emergency situations.

  4. Ruth (UK)*

    Happy April Fool’s day to everyone. Here’s to hoping you and your friends or people you know play nice jokes on each other that make you laugh, and don’t do ones that worry or upset people, or cause disagreements. (I say if in doubt, do nothing – no one will say ‘hey remember that time when it was April Fool’s day and you didn’t prank me???”. Well they might…). Luckily I don’t have to try too hard – my morris side will be dancing in a “foolish day of dance” along with a good number of other sides today.

    And speaking of silly things, that half marathon I signed up for back in January is now next Sunday! I feel both prepared and not. On one hand, I have trained frequently – I have run almost every day (typically 5 or 6 times a week) since the 5th Jan. On the other hand, almost all my runs have been between 25-30mins (around 5km) and almost never did a longer run (my longest being 10km).

    This is not because I am of the belief one should not run the full distance in training, but rather because I have been able to find many short periods of time I am free to have a run, but have struggled to find days where I have time (and energy) to put in a longer one. On the other hand, I am also fairly active on top of the running (I cycle every day, dance several times a week etc). So I think I should be able to at least finish the half… we’ll see!

    2. Emily*

      Good luck on your half marathon! Hopefully you’ll finish strong AND enjoy the experience. :)

      Recently, I’ve been toying with the idea of signing up for a half marathon (never done one, but I’ve successfully run about 7 miles/11km before, so I think I could do it). The one I’m interested in is only two months away and at a potentially bad time for work, though, so I’m not sure!

    4. Harmless Pranker*

      I installed nCage on my boyfriends computer. It replaces every picture with a picture or gif Nicolas Cage, and there’s a way to hide the extension icon so it’s not immediately obvious.
      He found it pretty fast but his reaction was hilarious.

    5. Lady Julian*

      I was out on my run this morning (7.5 miles) and found myself wondering how your run was going. I’m excited for you – be sure to report back and tell us how you did!

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Oops by next Sunday I mean Sunday next week not tomorrow which is now today, so you’ll probably have to wait two weeks tk find out!

        1. Director of Things*

          Have a great race!
          I’ve done a number of races from 5k to full marathon and the best advice I have is to start slow! As in “why are all these people passing me?” slow. You’ll get them at the end!

  5. Tilly W*

    Looking for recommendations from fellow AAMers for Slovenia and Croatia. We are heading there this summer for two weeks and would love to hear about your travels! I’m also trying for to figure out transportation so any insight is appreciated.

    1. 30ish*

      There’s very good public transport (buses and trains) in Slovenia. I really liked the area around Lake Bohinj, and of course Ljubljana.
      In Croatia, I’ve been to the island Mljet, which I recommend to you. If you can, stay close to the lakes. They are lovely. I found Dubrovnik to be a little too crowded, especially in summer. I’ve also visited Istria, which is a lovely region. If you want to use ships for transports, you can check out the “Jadronilinija” website for schedules. I found that it wasn’t all that easy to “island hop” because the ferries don’t always run that often. So it might be easier to stick to one bigger island.

      1. 30ish*

        Also, for popular places like Ljublijana, Rovinj, Bohinj, Dubrovnik or Split you should book your accommodation well in advance if you’re going in July or August.

      2. 30ish*

        I’ll add some more thoughts. Both Croatia and Slovenia are absolutely gorgeous countries, first of all! I think you’ll have an awesome time.

        Given that you’ll be visiting during high season my recommendation would be to avoid the most popular destinations or stay somewhere nearby and take a day trip there. Dubrovnik is the most extreme case (so it could be a good idea to stay on a nearby island, in the old town you basically can’t move because of all the tourists), but some places in Slovenia, like Bled or Piran, get really crowded in high season, too. For me at least, it was little too much. Bled would be so beautiful but in summer it is touristy in the extreme. However, there are many places in Slovenia’s mountains, for example, which won’t be like that at all. And probably man Croatian islands that offer a relaxing stay. So if it were me I’d do some research on calmer, more secluded places that might be a little harder to travel to but where you’ll enjoy the landscapes the most.

    2. Rookie Manager*

      Dubrovnik is beautiful, I would recommending you walk the walls to see the city and sea from above. For a totally different view you can do a canoe tour and see the walls and old town from the sea!

      Near to Dubrovnik is an island called Lopud, it is tiny and therefore cars are banned. The hotel on Lopud is beautiful and if you stay there your transfer from the mainland will be by speed boat – it felt very glamorous. The main beach on Lopud is a sheltered bay with fairly good sand but perfect sea for swimming in, so clear and warm. If you don’t stay there I will still recommend a visit.

    3. Apollo Warbucks*

      I’ll be watching this with interest I’m off to Croatia for a couple of weeks later in the year.

      Plitvice Lakes National Park looks amazing so I hope to get there other than that I’m going to spend a few days in Dubrovnik, Split and possibly Zagreb. The rest of the time I’m planning on sailing

      rome2rio . com is worth a look for travel planning.

      1. Uncivil Engineer*

        Plitvice National Park is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. I may forever be spoiled about waterfalls. The wood boardwalks allow you to get really close to the waterfalls and lakes. The paths are well marked and I think we did every single one of them over two days. There is a path that runs along the rim of the canyon and allows you to look down on the lakes. There was practically nobody up there and the view was spectacular. The tour buses with day-trippers roll in at mid-morning and leave by late afternoon so, if you can, travel there on your own and visit the park early and late so there are fewer crowds. There is a little town nearby with a bunch of bed-and-breakfasts and there is a walking path from this town to the Park so you don’t even have to drive.

    4. Uncivil Engineer*

      In Slovenia: Ljubljana, Bled, Vintgar Gorge, driving through Triglav National Park, an odd little Apiculture (bee keeping) Museum in Radoljica, and Kobarid Museum (very interesting if you are interested in World War 2).

      In Croatia: walking around Rovinj, Split (touristy), Dubrovnik (touristy but there are very interesting cultural sights if you look hard enough), and you must go to Plitvice National Park if at all possible (though the food here is awful… or it was in 2010).

      It would be difficult to get to most of these sights by train. Ljubljana has a station and you can walk everywhere from there. There is a train station outside of Bled but the town is not a walkable distance from the station. Everything else requires a car. There may be a bus. I never checked. Renting a car and driving around Slovenia and Croatia was very easy, though parking was difficult in the more touristy parts of Croatia.

    5. Father Ribs*

      My daughter is going to be in the region for study abroad this summer, staying in the area they use for King’s Landing in GoT. She sends me the occasional photoshop of herself there just to rub it in. I can’t think of the name off the top of my head but it it truly beautiful in the pictures.

    6. Perpetua*

      The recommendations will really depend on your preferences. :) Do you want to enjoy the sea? The mountains? Do more of the “must-see” touristy stuff so that you don’t feel like you missed out on something, or relax more in less popular places? I might be able to give you recommendations for any of those scenarios (I live here, after all :D ), but there are many options so I really need some more info. :)

      When you say “figure out transportation”, what are your options at all? Where are you coming from and with what? What might make the most sense for you as the starting point? Do you have the option of driving here, or renting a car over here?

      I CAN give some general recommendations as well, although they’re highly subjective. :D I love Istria and I think that it’s completely magical, especially Rovinj and the small town of Grožnjan. If you make Motovun your home base, for example, you can reach several lovely places in about half an hour (or an hour max) drive in various directions – Rovinj, Grožnjan, Pula, Poreč… Istria is known especially for its wine and little hills.

      I second Plitvice as something special to see, although you should be prepared for crowds, yes. The seaside has many lovely places – Zadar, Split and Dubrovnik all offer something a bit different, so it’s really a matter of preference and convenience, and the same goes for the islands. Some are more accessible, some less, and it can greatly impact your experience.

      Feel free to ask anything specific that comes to your mind, either now or when you get a clearer picture of your itinerary, from my experience it can be helpful to have someone local tell you “oh no, I wouldn’t do that in a half-day trip, it would be exhausting although it might not seem like that on paper” or “this might be another option how to get there”, etc. I can’t guarantee that I’ll know everything, but I’ll help as much as I can. :)

    7. Dan*

      If you are comfortable driving a manual, Croatia is very easy to drive in (outside of the cities). The roads and rules are a lot like they are here. We rented a car for northernish Croatia (Zadar, Pag, Plitvice, and the surrounding areas) and dropped it off in Split, after which we used ferries and buses, which worked great. I preferred Zadar and Pag over Split/Dubrovnik because I like smaller places, but Diocletian’s palace in Split did blow my mind. Korcula was beautiful too and worth 2-3 days. Croatia is beautiful and has amazing food and wine. Have fun!

      1. Goreygal*

        You can hire automatics in Europe too; you just have to request them as the default tends to be manual.

    8. Tilly W*

      Thanks everyone! So far we’ve booked into Prague and out of Dubronovik two weeks later. I’ve been told there isn’t a great train system to get us down the coast. Not opposed to renting a car but would prefer trains, planes and boats when an option. Perpetua, I’d say I like a mix of history, hiking/biking and wanting a few days to relax in the middle on a beach or resort. (I always love dorky bike tours and wine.) Not sure if that’s helpful but I’d say I like some scheduled excursions mixed with a few days to open explore and see where I end up.

  7. Audiophile*

    With new job, I’m finally making enough to seriously be able to move out.

    I’m debating between considering apartments in NYC (likely Brooklyn, Queens, maybe Harlem) and just focusing my search on Westchester County apartments (White Plains, Katonah, Chappaqua). If I move to Westchester, that means factoring in Metro North monthly train ticket as well as a monthly MetroCard.

    Some cons of NYC living, more taxes. I’m losing almost 500 in tax deductions and that would only increase if I moved to the city, though I’m not sure how much. Might be able to figure that out with an IRS calculator.

    Anyway, my question is about suggestions on where to look.
    I’ve tried all the usuals – Trulia, Zillow, Apartments, etc. I’m also in a Facebook group for a local zipcode, and some people post apartments in there. Haven’t looked too much on Craigslist, because the last time I did I didn’t have much luck.

    I’ve haven’t tried any brokers, since I don’t know any locally. Excited to be on my own again.

    1. Oscar Madisoy*

      I wouldn’t trust Craigslist for anything. I don’t have any personal experience with it but I’ve heard enough horror stories to keep me away.

      1. Al Lo*

        I’ve found a couple of apartments and/or roommates on Craigslist, but it just varies so much.

        The more-used equivalent classifieds site where I live is Kijiji (a local Craigslist exists, but for whatever reason didn’t catch on here), and I’ve actually found almost all of our rentals on it, rather than on an rental-specific site, even though I spent much time on those, too.

      2. hermit crab*

        Interesting – I’ve lived in four apartments in the DC area in the past seven years, and I found three of them on Craigslist. They were all fine places to live! (One had a somewhat creepy/over-involved landlord, but one had the absolute best landlords ever, so I think it more than evens out.) I guess it depends on the city/neighborhood and what you are looking for.

        1. Jessesgirl72*

          We found 3 rentals in the SF Bay Area via Craigslist, and they were all fine. The worst rental we had was corporate run, actually, and found through more traditional official ways.

        2. Bigglesworth*

          I’m looking at moving to the DC area this summer and have been looking at Craigslist for apartments. Good to hear that you’ve found good places to live through that!

        3. Wendy Darling*

          Craigslist is actually THE place for apartment listings in my region. Literally everyone advertises on Craigslist, and if you won’t look there you’ll miss 3/4 of everything.

          I think you’re right that you just have to know your region. I suspect the NYC area is its own little rental microcosm.

      3. Sunflower*

        I’ve found all of my apts on Craigslist. The only issues I’ve found are the bait and switch ‘Oh actually that apartment just rented but we have all these others’. I’ve never bothered looking into the ads that were clearly fake- like a beautiful, brand new one bedroom in the heart of the city for like $750/month.

    2. lcsa99*

      I would strongly suggest using Streeteasy, as that’s fed directly from the site brokers use.

      If it makes a difference for your choice between the boroughs and Westchester, my husband and I have been looking since January, so we can attest there isn’t much good in Brooklyn or Queens at the moment, but of course that’s assuming you’re gonna use the same parameters we are.

      1. AdAgencyChick*

        Yeah, Streeteasy is pretty much the biggest clearinghouse for apartment listings in the city.

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Great – now I’ve wandered on that site to see how the other half live in NYC. There goes my weekend! :)

    3. Elf*

      I live in the area, and have experience with Westchester apartment hunting. What’s your general budget and what kind of commute timeline are you willing to deal with? If you have a 2K+/month budget, there are some very nice apartments right at the train station in both Yonkers and Ossining, which means no paying for a parking pass, and possibly even foregoing a car. If your budget is smaller (and you’re willing to live in a less nice apartment), I lived for a time in South Yonkers near the rt. 9 end of McLean, which was super convenient because I could take a bus to the end of either the 4 or the 6, and the busses take MetroCard, so $2.50 to anywhere in the city (at the time, a little more now). That’s an especially good option if you’re working uptown, especially on the west side, or in some parts of the Bronx. If you work on the upper west side and can take a Hudson line train in, you should also consider taking the train to Marble Hill and then getting on the 1, it is MUCH cheaper to get a monthly pass that ends at Marble Hill (when I last priced it it was $50something a month vs. well over $200 to Manhattan).

    4. Applesauced*

      Reddit might be useful – AskNYC has lots of “new to the city, what neighborhood should I pick?” kind of posts. NYCapartments is good for shares/roommates.
      Stephanie’s List might be useful too.
      Good luck!

    6. PM-NYC*

      There’s a Facebook group for NYC called “Gypsy Housing” that focuses mostly on reasonably priced apartments. You have to sift, but there are some good places on there.

    7. New York, New York*

      Just a plug for checking Inwood or Washington Heights as to cheaper areas in Manhattan but closer than Westchester.

    8. Call me St. Vincent*

      Honestly, when I lived in NYC, I used craigslist to find two different apartments. Just be careful of the bait and switch brokers and only look in the “no fee” section.

    9. Audiophile*

      You guys are the best!

      Craigslist can be hit or miss, my friends have had decent luck with it.

      Thanks for the Streeteasy recommendation, I’ve found some questionable apartment sites (Naked Apartments?) and figured I’d ask for reputable recommendations.

      My budget isn’t 2k, unfortunately, thus why I’m really leaning towards Westchester. That would definitely make things easier. The other hardship is I have a car, which unless I can unload, makes NYC living more difficult and more expensive. Parking garages are expensive.

      The Facebook groups look promising, I found a few Gypsy Housing groups – one named Gypsy Housing NYC and one just named Gypsy Housing. I requested to join both.

      1. A Girl Has No Name*

        I’m late to the party but as someone who commutes to NYC everyday just wanted to offer a consideration. If you do end up going with Westchester and commuting, see if your employer is signed up with WageWorks – it allows you to pay for your monthly pass and any parking fees you might have pre-tax (each up to a certain amount per month). Not free, but not nothing either…

        1. Audiophile*

          They offer a similar service, I just haven’t inquired about enrolling yet. My monthly parking costs are about $80. My monthly Metro North pass is over $400, not including a MetroCard. Which adds another $100+.

          I wanted to see exactly what my paycheck would be first. I’m not sure if it’s with enrolling in, since my train costs are so high. If I move down the line back to Westchester, I think it will be.

          1. A Girl Has No Name*

            That’s about how much I pay per month. My monthly MetroNorth is ~$350 and my parking is almost $100. It saves me a bit, plus at least it comes out before I see my paycheck so I don’t “miss” it as much…

            1. Audiophile*

              Where are you commuting from? Harlem or Hudson line? Do you combine your MetroNorth and MetroCard? Or not taking the subway?

              With the fare increase, the discount is practically negligible.

  8. Anonymity Ahoy!*

    A couple of weeks ago, I posted about starting therapy with my husband and trying to figure out our sexual incompatibility and how we can work through that. We took a couple of weeks to do some searching, but had our first appointment this week, and I’m really looking forward to the process, as strange as that sounds. I told the therapist that I was kind of excited to be there, and she said that’s… not exactly a reaction she gets that often. Heh.

    One of the big obstacles is that any kind of touch is uncomfortable for my husband — there’s some sort of weird something in the way his body reacts to the world. He describes being touched skin-to-skin as feeling like a combination of static electricity and a mild electric shock and kind of a buzzing through his body, and it’s uncomfortable. Being naked feels a bit that way, when his skin is exposed to the air. Certain locations feel that way (we lived in one house for a very short time that just made him miserable all the way through, because the atmospheric pressure was weird or something). Fireworks or lightning sometimes feel that way. His doctor doesn’t have any solid suggestions for dealing with it, so he mostly just lives with it.

    So, part of this week’s homework for me is examining the idea that it’s somehow wrong for me to be the recipient of touch/sexual pleasure almost all of the time, if that’s what actually works best for us. Touch is one of my love languages, so I feel like I’m depriving him of something when I don’t touch him in low-key, intimate ways; and I feel like I’m being withheld from if I don’t get those touches. So for me, part of the work will be separating those things out and looking at them differently.

    We’re also going on a field trip to a sex store to see if anything there strikes our imaginations as something we can use to make it easier. Is it easier for him to touch me with gloves? Or to be touched with a toy or a feather instead of with skin? We had talked a few years ago about trying to find some tools that would help, but it never really went anywhere. I think the timing just wasn’t quite right yet.

    The biggest thing for me was that it just felt so good to talk about it. We’ve been very private about it throughout our marriage, and I’ve felt the strain of not talking to anyone, even close friends with whom I would normally share this kind of thing. It felt like a huge weight was lifted, just to describe it to someone else. It helps that my husband is willing and invested in being there, too. If we weren’t on the same page, or if I was dragging him to therapy, I think it would feel pretty different.

    1. Gadfly*

      Good luck! I wonder if oils or lotions might help (same idea as the gloves)? Which could allow for giving/receiving massage nicely….

    2. C Average*

      Good luck! Do you guys already have sheets that feel good to him? It might help the process along to invest in some really nice linens. (I have a step kid with tactile issues, and getting the right sheets on her bed and clothes on her back was revelatory for all of us.)

    4. Parenthetically*

      Not exactly sex advice, but you might try pet stores too. They have gloves with soft rubber nubs that are made for loose/shedding fur that are also good for touching humans, anything from a gentle backscratching to stronger (but not painful) tactile sensations. Come to think of it, trying different kinds of gloves might be fun anyway. Some kind of fabrics might be less difficult for him and maybe even enjoyable. You might also try varying the level of sensation. I’m not as touch-averse as your husband but I tend to dislike very light gentle touching and absolutely hate tickling, but I enjoy a firm massage or a mild, thuddy flogging. Maybe it’s just a matter of finding the right level? (If he’s like me he will hate the feather.)

    5. AstroDeco*

      Anonymity Ahoy, I’m sorry you’re going through this & I’m glad your relationship is otherwise healthy!!

      I’m not clear if your husband has difficulty with touch in general or if it’s only more intimate touching; can he shake hands or hug)? There are physical & mental conditions (like PTSD) that can cause one to react negatively to touch. Have those been ruled out?

      Other than that thought, my only other suggestion is for you & your husband should really listen to each other for what does work & to experiment with this.
      eg: If he can’t easily tolerate touch yet you want to touch him to show you really do love him, then understand you can show your love by *not* touching him even though this is counterintuitive for you.
      I like the out-of-the-box suggestions for gloves & such.

      Good luck & you have many wishing you success!!

      1. Anonymity Ahoy!*

        The sensation is the same for casual touch, but it’s easier to handle as it tends to be less prolonged, and on less sensitive parts of the body. He even experiences it to a smaller extent with the cat, but that’s easier because her fur makes the skin-to-skin part less. For that matter, playing with his hair and giving him a scalp massage is something he enjoys, because the hair helps to provide a barrier between skin and skin.

        1. Wendy Darling*

          I have some sensory integration issues that make some sensations profoundly unpleasant for me — I wonder if he has something similar. (I can feel my eyebrows touching me. Ugh.)

          Does he have things he really likes touching his skin? I love the texture of that super silky microfiber faux fur and am completely obsessed with the texture of the furry side of this blanket, for instance. Is he cool with being touched if he’s wrapped up in something that has a nice texture, maybe?

          1. Indy the cat (@indykitty)*

            Look into desensitizing treatments. I had one where I exposed my bare back to a fan. ( I have Sensory issues with touch and air currents) when the air currents were too much I wrapped back up in the warm fuzzy blanket and did it again when I calmed down.

            I love fuzzy fleece blankets and need to have them on my bed like a hamster’s nest. Try ocupational therapy for treatment options.

            You are a good person for not quitting on this relationship.

      2. Marisol*

        I wonder if a practice called orgasmic meditation, usually abbreviated to OMing, would help you. There is an organization called One Taste, founded by Nicole Daedone, that teaches classes. I won’t elaborate here but it’s easily googleable if you’re interested.

    6. BRR*

      Good luck! I’ve found from my own expierence the importance of speaking my partner’s love langauge versus mine when it comes to his fulfillment. It’s hard but it helped things so much.

    7. Anon4theDay*

      I hope things work out. I just wanted to share that I can understand since my husband does not enjoy being touched most of the time. Most touch feels like he is being tickled (not in a fun/happy way)! He feels uncomfortable. So it has been a challenge during periods of intimacy. It is a work in progress and we have found that during certain times of the day/evening being touched is more comfortable compared to other times.

    8. Changing my name*

      Just want to plug being on the receiving end 99% of the time if that works for you. That’s how my (lesbian) marriage works and I’ve essentially gotten over the weirdness. It can be hard being the maintainer of the sex life (because if your spouse doesn’t miss it it’s less likely they’ll be the ones initiating/prioritizing). But it’s workable! Good luck.

    9. Clever Name*

      I’m glad you’ve got a path forward! You mentioned your husband had talked to his doctor about his issues with touch. Has he been evaluated for sensory integration disorder? It’s really not something GPs know much about, but it’s a real thing.

    10. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m wondering if some of the ‘sensory diet’ recommendations for kids with sensory integration difficulties wouldn’t be helpful. One category is ‘heavy work’ where a kid does something strenuous and then is able to focus for a period. Another category is sensory foods: crunchy foods, foods you have to work at (my daughter loved to eat apple sauce with a straw), etc. Sure, it’s not the average relationship where someone munches a carrot before fun times but I can think of worse. You two could also look at ways to manage his sensory environment so he can handle more touch, or you could work on building his tolerance of specific types of touch.

  9. setsuko*

    So I posted about the long wait before I could do a pregnancy test on the last couple of threads. After 18 months of trying to conceive and all sorts of tests and nasty medicines (I have PCOS), I am pregnant! We are so happy, and a bit confused.

    5. setsuko*

      Thanks everyone. I really don’t know how I would have got through the wait without the Robin Hobb books I broke out. I had been saving them for a special occasion / hoping to hold out until the trilogy was complete. They really helped when time was dragging. I guess I am going to need a massive series to get me through the wait for the actual baby now :)

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        It goes by so fast and so slow at the same time! 23 weeks as of today, and in some ways it feels like it has already been for.ev.er and in other ways, it is zooming by.

      2. Annie Mouse*

        Huge congratulations!!

        I don’t know if this is your type of book but I am loving rereading the ‘After Cilmeri’ series by Sarah Woodbury, starting with Daughter of Time :)

    9. Celeste*

      Congratulations!!! I have PCOS, too, and was able to have a child at 40. I will always be extra happy for any woman who goes through this. I had a hard time adjusting to my body actually working normally. Infertility really messed with my self-image, but giving birth made me feel healed of it. Wishing you a boring, normal pregnancy and a happy, healthy baby!!

    13. Call me St. Vincent*

      Congratulations!!!!! So exciting!!!!! I totally understand. It took a year for us and it was the week before we were about to start IVF. I don’t have PCOS, but I have an endocrine disease that mimics PCOS, so I feel you. Wonderful news!!!

    16. Cordelia*

      Ahhh congrats, that’s awesome!! Your success gives me more hope, I have PCOS too (as well as Hashimoto’s). My husband and I have been trying for 11 months now (and I’m also on all sorts of not fun drugs), so I’m really glad to hear it worked out for you.

  10. AnonForThis*

    Sorry if this is a bit of a TMI thing, but is there anyone out there who is really sensitive to hormonal birth control that has found something that works for them in terms of controlling their periods and having a contraceptive method? Nothing works for me, my periods are hell, I’m scared of getting pregnant and too young too look at things like ablations and tubal ligations (according to doctors, at 31 I think I’m old enough to decide!).

    1. Al Lo*

      I’m probably not as sensitive to hormonal BC as you seem to be, so YMMV, but the Mirena has been a godsend for me. My periods have been virtually nonexistent since a couple of months after it was inserted, and I love not having to think about or remember anything.

      It is a hormonal method, but the hormone levels are lower than many other forms of BC, so they may not be as tough to deal with.

      1. Jen RO*

        I have the Jaydess (I think it’s called Skyla in the US), which is also hormonal, but slightly smaller than Mirena, so it’s better for women who haven’t had children (or who had C-sections, I guess). I’ve had it for a year and my periods were basically gone from the first month.

        (Then again, I also loved the pill and did great on it! I had to stop because I had high blood pressure and my cardiologist recommended an IUD, as it has a lower dose of hormones.)

        1. KR*

          LOVE SKYLA. Im on my second year of it out of three years. I will definitely be getting it again in the future.

        2. Raine*

          Jaydess is used in the US as well. It’s as effective as Skyla, but is being tested to see if it will last up to 7 years (!). I’ve loved mine and it’s covered by more insurance companies than the Skyla or Mirena.

      2. Read the book, watch the movie*

        Yes, I spent years trying different bc pills before finally getting the
        Mirena. It’s the best thing ever.

        1. Kj*

          Chiming in to say Mirena is amazing. I didn’t have periods at all when I was on it and no side effects.

        2. hermit crab*

          Me too, I think getting mine was one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself.

          (Possible TMI warning!) I was in my late 20s/never had kids, and my insertion was complicated (like, I had to go home with a Rx for vaginal misoprostol and come back in two days), but honestly it was only mildly uncomfortable. It was inconvenient — I had to go across town because my usual doc practiced at the Georgetown med center, where they aren’t allowed to do insertions because of the whole Jesuit thing, so I had to take two afternoons off work for the appointments — but totally worth it.

      3. Ktelzbeth*

        Mirena was great for me (the second one, after the first one fell out) and I haven’t been pregnant. I’m sensitive to estrogen, but do fine with progesterone. Skyla is a similar progesterone-only IUD that is the first one specifically tested in women who have not had children. That’s where a lot of their marketing about being good for those without previous pregnancies comes from. AFAIK, no other IUD has made a specific study of that population to be able to make claims, so comparing who’s better is tough.

        But I agree with people down-thread that there ought to be some doctor out there who can respect you as an adult. I know someone who got a vasectomy at about your age. He did a lot of searching and fighting, but finally managed.

    2. jamlady*

      Horrible history like yours, responded poorly to all BC, until I got Nexplanon in my arm. I have had it for 4 years and I have no side effects.

      1. blackcat*

        I have heard great things about Nexplanon/Implanon. They aren’t recommended for super long term use (>10 years) or use in young women (<18) b/c they seem to cause some bone density loss. So if you're at high risk for osteoporosis, approach with caution. As with anything, talk to your doctor.

        1. Mela*

          Where are you getting those recommendations from? I’ve never heard of any medical body recommending against progestin only contraception for bone density reasons.

          1. blackcat*

            Weirdly, it seems to be implant specific. It’s most well-documented in teens, mixed results in older women. The effect isn’t often seen in small studies, but is in larger ones suggesting it’s a complication for only a small-ish portion of women. I’ll post a link below (that links a ton of studies), but you can find some info out by googling “Implanon bone density young women” or something similar.

            2. Mela*

              Oh I did google and read about the studies, but I’m not seeing that translated into official recommendations.

        2. Blue Anne*

          I was in one of those studies! I’m on my third implant, was 20 when I got my first one and they did bone density scans when I was getting my second one put in.

          They ended up throwing out my results because 1) my bones look amazing and 2) they thought that might be attributable to years of powerlifting, which most young women aren’t into. But it was really interesting hearing what they were looking for. Apparently the main concern is really just about prolonged use when you started young.

      2. Gaia*

        Nexplanon was the worst thing I ever did. It did wonders for my period but as someone who has struggled with weight I wish my doctor had been clearer about the risk that I would pile on more pounds and not be able to lose anything (seriously – I was sick a few months back and ate literally nothing for 5 days. Gained 2lbs).

      3. Sleepy Cat*

        I got the implant while I was living in the UK (so it was free!) and the only side effect I had was a 3 week long period when it was first inserted (it was off and on, with none of the usual PMS, just … bleeding). Since then, I’ve only had super light menses about once every three months. It is a little weird to feel it sitting there in your arm (you can definitely feel it through the skin), but you get used to it after a few days. Regular HBC messed me up, so this might be a good choice for you, OP.

        I also want to add: your doctors shouldn’t get to say you’re too young for having your tubes tied, especially if you’re over thirty. By most calculations, you’re close to menopause anyway, and have evidently decided that you don’t want children. You can push back – this is your body.

      1. blackcat*

        But that doesn’t work for “controlling periods.” The copper IUD almost always makes periods somewhat longer and more painful. For many women, that’s not bad or totally tolerable. But in some cases, it’s really bad.

        2. Sandy*

          Depends what you mean by controlling periods, I guess. Mine used to be unpredictable and all over the place. With the copper IUD, they are regular like clockwork. They are reliably painful now, which is a downside, but I can almost time it with a watch, and it’s a great form of birth control.

      2. Pommette*

        The copper IUD is not a good bet for controlling irregular periods. No non-hormonal methods have been shown to have a consistent effect on menstrual regularity.

        What effect a copper IUD will have on a given person’s cycle is unpredictable. It worked for you, which is awesome; after having one inserted, my periods from mildly irregular to wildly irregular/unpredictable (and long, and painful).

        I think that the risk of side effects can be worth it. It’s worth it for me because of the peace of mind that comes from having hormone-free and effective contraception! But it’s not something that I would recommend to someone hoping for a more regular cycle.

    4. EN*

      I recommend resding Period Repair Manual by Lara Briden. She’s a doctor in New Zealand who studies natural/nutritional solutions to those problems we’re often prescribed birth control to regulate. Her opinion is the artificial hormones just cover up the problems and don’t actually solve them. After two months of taking some of her recommended supplements (zinc, magnesium, fish oil, etc.) and cutting out most dairy, my cramps are practically non-existent. Normally they’re bad enough to wake me up at night and need to take ibuprofen at least hourly. This last time I only took 3 total. Of course one experience doesn’t necessarily prove anything, but it gives me hope.

    6. C Average*

      Sigh. I never did find a BC method I liked, though I came to tolerate a couple of pill formulations. I finally talked a doctor into Essure when I was 35, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. If you actually are sure you don’t want to have kids someday, finding a doctor who will ablate or tie your tubes is well worth the search. They’re unicorns, but a few do exist.

    7. Elf*

      I have a copper IUD which I love, but it did change the character of my periods (a bit heavier, different distribution across days, etc.) It is an excellent option, but if your periods are already hellish this won’t help with that.

      Also, on the pregnancy note, just a reminder that everything (to include tubal ligation) can fail, even IUDs that are still where they ought to be. IUDs have a 99.6% effective rate, which means that out of 1000 women with IUDs, 4 will get pregnant every year. I have (beloved) two-year-old evidence to attest to that.

    8. A. Non*

      Well, I’m not sexually active, so YMMV, but I found adjusting my diet and making sure I get enough water helps tremendously. I had bad results with oral BC and the Depo shot was hell on earth for me, but my average volume loss on my period has always been alarmingly large. (I use a DivaCup, for reference, which holds 30 mL, and usually have to empty it two to three times a day, for five days.)

      With diet adjustment (no dairy except for aged cheeses, light on carbs, heavy on animal-based protein) it’s two to three days and emptying at the same rate, but it’s still an improvement.

    9. Not Karen*

      Not an answer to your question, but regarding the ablation/ligation – when I discussed this with my doctor, she said it’s not an issue of being too young to decide, it’s that those methods aren’t effective in younger patients. I believe it had something to do with the potential for the tissue to regrow.

      1. LilyPearl*

        And tubal ligation has a not insignificant failure rate compared with IUD/IUD and implants. Vasectomies are much more effective. Doesn’t help the periods though. Tranexamic acid plus NSAIDs is one option for reducing pain/bleeding.

      2. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

        My former gyno (who was very progressive, fortunately), told me she wouldn’t tie my tubes until I hit 30. She didn’t mention the effectiveness, but that most doctors won’t because the risk of getting sued is too high. Apparently, doctors have been sued by patients for tying their tubes too young, and then they changed their minds.

        I won’t change my mind (I would have happily signed something to that effect…medically, I can’t have kids without high risks), but can understand completely why she didn’t want to take the risk!

    10. copy run start*

      Wow, I was able to get a tubal at 26, no children, not married. I’m so sorry you haven’t had any luck finding a doctor willing to listen to you. I think reddit’s childfree subreddit still maintains a list of childfree doctors who should be more open to letting you make your own decisions. Maybe they’ll have a few names for you?

      My doctor prescribed me 800 mg ibuprofen for a while to help with cramping and overall volume of flow. I took it for a few days before and through the first few days of my period. It really did help. If you can tolerate that much ibuprofen it might help you.

    11. neverjaunty*

      In the short term, there is a trick where you can take ibuprofen to slow the bleeding. It has been a while so ASK YOUR DOCTOR, but as I recall, it was four regular strength pills as soon as you notice the bleeding and then one every other hour for the first day.

    12. Namast'ay In Bed*

      I was exactly like you, awful heavy periods, intensely terrible cramps, super sensitive to hormonal birth control, and absolutely terrified of getting pregnant. I ended up getting the Skyla IUD and while the insertion was a sucky process, it has been amazing. Since I got the IUD my cycles have been consistent and super light, something I have never ever had prior.
      Skyla is a super low hormone IUD, which originally concerned me since I have had such terrible experiences with hormonal bc before, but I talked with my obgyn and they told me that it was such a light amount it would be just enough to smooth out my cycle without the negative effects I had experienced in the past. And it truly has, I haven’t had any of the bad stuff, just the good!

    13. nep*

      A friend was talking about that the other day — the fact that a doctor would not perform certain procedures on someone in her 30s. I find that offensive and ludicrous.
      No relevant experience so I haven’t got any advice for you — just chiming in that I agree you’re old enough to decide. Sheeeesh.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Yeah, this was my thought, too. I’m 30 years old, and I’m FINALLY moving forward with tubal ligation. My appointment to have my copper IUD removed is on Monday afternoon, and my appointment for the actual surgery is in another few weeks. I’m hoping that having the IUD removed will take care of most of my period woes (they are super painful and usually interfere with work).

        I think if you (OP) are certain that you don’t want (your own, biological) kids, you should be able to find a doctor who will perform the procedure for you.

        I mean, my own thought was that I just don’t need to contribute to the overpopulation of the planet – if later on, I decide I want to raise kids, there are plenty out there in need of adoption.

    14. Simms*

      I have had great results on Depo (odd as that may seem) I didn’t really respond to other BC methods and have been on it for over 10 years now with barely any side effects. My periods were pretty irregular before I got on it and were heavy so I have been enjoying the lack of them while on depo. I do get cramps close to when I need the next shot though which aren’t great. My thought as to why I have responded well to it though is I am a fairly large woman but no proof as that is why.

    15. Dee Cee*

      I’m somewhat sensitive to hormones and had Mirena inserted in January 2016. It was great for the first six months, then started causing horrible breakouts that my dermatologist said would cause scarring in short order. My options were either have it removed or go on Accutane (which didn’t excite me) and upon having it removed, there was a 2-3 week period where I was absolutely miserable, extremely irritable and had no energy at all, which is apparently not uncommon. If it weren’t for the side effects, I would have loved it though! I hope you find something that works–I haven’t yet :(

  11. Newly-adult anon*

    Any tips on navigating making your *own* relationships with family members? I’ve known my aunts and uncles my whole life, and I can chat to them one on one, but I want to develop more individual relationships with them that aren’t just because I grew up around them. Any thoughts?

    1. Newly-adult anon*

      Should probably say that while they see me as an adult now, I’m in the “young adult” category and also most of my aunts and uncles live 4-5 hours drive away, and the ones that do live close by are busy and travel for work (and fun) a lot. It can be difficult to keep up with when they’re actually in the country, at times.

    2. AliceBD*

      Call them! I have nice long chats with one of my aunts a few times a year, and I’d say we definitely have a personal relationship. I also talk to my grandmother every week. (I do not live near either of them, so seeing them in person is not an option most of the time.)

      1. SophieChotek*

        I agree with this. I write (a card) or send some emails to my aunt separately about once a month and though we’ve only had coffee once or twice without various assorted family members (which is usually when I see her) I feel like we do have a separate relationship outside/apart from my parents.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Ask them questions about their own lives. This sounds corny but in some cases you might find out that you were the first person who cared enough to ask about some things. I can’t give specific examples here, but there have been many times I asked my aunts and uncles about some little thing (“Well, how did you end up getting xyz job?”) and they realized no one ever asked before.

      Invite them to do things with you and be willing to go to stuff they are interested in. I had an uncle that was hugely interested in genealogy. Since this was an interest of mine to some degree, it was not a hardship to dive into the topic with him. We had a lot of fun. And I got to know him better. He’s been gone for over a decade but I still carry some of his pearls of wisdom.

      Randomly give them examples of something they said that you applied to your life or your day. They like to know that they are helping you.

      I had one aunt who ran on a tight budget. Since I maintain a strict budget myself, I quickly agreed to a “no gifts” policy with her. And this is where it became fun. We would find random things for each other at tag sales or clearance tables that we knew the other one needed. It was interesting how many times we would find a $20 item for a buck or two. This worked into little surprises randomly through out the year. The gift was relevant and useful to the recipient, in some ways it was better than Christmas gifts.

      You have to go with the connection style they like. Many of my elders preferred the phone. But a couple would use email. I had one aunt who was willing to try stuff online if I talked her through it. I had another aunt who would not even turn a computer on. We kind of have to go where they are, if we want to hear from them.

      I am a huge fan of the idea of having relationships with people of all ages, I think it adds to our quality of life. The beauty of aunts and uncles is that you don’t have to explain family dynamic, you don’t have to explain WHY you worry about some things, they already know this stuff. So you can get into a meat and potatoes conversation. Where a parent might get upset with certain stories or actions, an aunt or uncle will just say, “PHEW! At least you aren’t MY kid!” And then they can continue on to really talk things over with us in a meaningful way.

    4. C Average*

      So interesting you would say this. I’m visiting my mom and she was just telling me yesterday about her close relationship with a cousin of mine who’s in her late twenties. Apparently my mother, who really likes to sew, encouraged my cousin when she became interested in sewing as a teen, and they’ve remained quite close. She really treasures the relationship, and it seems as though my cousin approached her first, for advice.

      Go for it! I think almost all older adults like it when someone younger becomes interested in relating to them fellow human to fellow human.

    5. Whats In A Name*

      Pick up the phone or send a note! It will grow organically from there! Since they travel use text/email/snail mail instead of phone calls. It’s all the same – contact!

      I recently have done this as well, as a 37 year old, actually! I will say that things like texting and social media have made it easier to connect. I have an aunt and uncle I love but have always lived very far from and only saw on family get togethers and at that it was more like once every few years. Now I just shoot off a quick text when something makes me think of them and the other day I sent my aunt something in the mail because I saw it and thought of her. We were also lucky enough to see my uncle while he was in town, so that helped too.

    6. hermit crab*

      I actually got a lot closer to my (amazing) aunt since we became friends on facebook! So my recommendation is to find a method of communication that works for both of you — e.g., do you both like communicating by social media, email, phone, text, letters, in-person chats over coffee, etc.? — and initiate some more contact via that method.

    7. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’ve found that being an aunt has really improved my relationships with my older relatives, because I think about what I hope my relationships with my nieces will be like when they’re adults … and then I do those things with my own aunts and uncles. So for example, I ask them lots of questions about their pasts (because I love it when my nieces have questions about family history, etc.), and I ask for advice (because it feels great when my nieces do that), and I generally express an interest in talking to them and spending time with them. Really, seeing it all through the eyes of the now-older relative myself has been so helpful, and I really think has made me closer with my own older relatives.

  12. No gifts!*

    Anyone else dislike getting gifts? I don’t like having too much stuff, as a rule, and the stuff I do like I am very picky about. I do not give gifts to any of the adults in my life (I buy lunches and that kind of thing for birthdays, but never physical objects). I have a few friends who still give me gifts and I cannot figure out how to stop it. It’s become even more of a problem as I’ve moved to a city that’s a few hours away and I take public transport sometimes to visit my old city for the weekend. My birthday was recently and several friends gave me gifts that I had to tote back on the bus and then worry about getting rid of.

    I realise I am a monster and a beast, and that my friends love me, and of course I always say thank you and act pleased. But we are all in our 30s and 40s! We can all afford to buy whatever nice things we want of our own choosing, and the idea of the waste of money, resources, and time bugs me so much. Plus the awkwardness of carrying an unwanted gift around all day. These friends know I don’t like stuff, and yet it seems like they hear the word “birthday” and are somehow compelled to buy something! Oh dear.

    1. TheLazyB*

      No but i am very similar to you and I’m hoping someone else will have suggestions! :)

    2. Rabbit*

      I’ve had a bit of luck asking people to donate to specific charities in my honor rather than giving gifts!

      I have a list of charities that I support that are “fun” (Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library, a local Big Cat rescue, a local rabbit rescue, my hometown Roller Derby team, etc) that goes up on my facebook a month before my birthday, with a note about how my birthday is coming up and if you were planning on getting me a gift, please donate to one of these charities instead. I reblog it a week prior, just as a reminder. I’ve also got a carefully curated amazon wishlist that mostly consists of (e)books and music that my family and close friends know about and which seems to mollify those people (my mother, for instance) who insist that birthdays be about spoiling the person turning a year older.

      For me it’s less about being able to buy the things I want/need and more that I live in a very small studio apartment and have a distinctly minimalist style regardless.

      2. TheLazyB*

        Funnily enough I’ve seen stories recently about lots of people taking flowers to their local police stations/emergency services since the London attacks to say thank you for what they do. I also recently donated some unwanted pyjamas I’d got for Christmas to a refuge. My birthday is soon and i have asked family and will ask friends to give flowers or donations to emergency services, hospices, refuges, etc, as relevant. I hope that that will at least stem the flow.

    3. Loopy*

      If people really want to get you something, how do you feel about gift cards / groupons for experiences? If you like massages, or a certain restaurant, can you request they get you something that allows you to pick out something yourself later or go somewhere you’d enjoy?

      Might be a good compromise?

      1. No gifts!*

        I do love those things! That’s a great idea and it works for my mom and dad, but I would feel so uncomfortable talking about gifts for my upcoming birthday with friends! It would feel like asking them to buy me stuff, you know?

        1. Dizzy Steinway*

          I’d approach it this way: you all know they are going to buy gifts and this way at least you get something you want.

        2. A. Non*

          Really, approach it like Dizzy says! I’ve had to do that– the only person in my life who’s ever managed to buy me something I loved was one aunt, and everyone else is a miss. I let them know what kind of giftcard I’d like, if not a generic amazon, and everyone’s happy. Me because I’ll like what I get, them because they know WHAT to get. It takes away some anxiety on their end, too. It might be the same for your friends!

        3. hermit crab*

          I agree with Dizzy and A. It will probably be a somewhat awkward conversation, but these people are your friends and they want to celebrate you and make you happy! In the end, everybody comes off better.

          If someone came to me and said something like, “I always love that you think of me on my birthday, but I’m trying to focus more on experiences rather than stuff as we get older,” I would totally get it, and it wouldn’t feel gift-grabby at all.

      2. ECHM*

        @Loopy: I love gift cards or cash! I feel awkward giving them sometimes but I love to receive them since I would prefer to get help paying my bills than get another knick-knack.

    4. Channel Z*

      Yes, me too! I am not materialistic, and I don’t want more clutter. If there is a gift, then I would prefer food or flowers, not stuff. And I get anxious about giving gifts, not because I’m cheap, but I don’t know what to get. I don’t want to burden anyone with an unwanted gift. Occasionally I think of something the recipient would want, like a coffee machine for my SIL this past holiday season, but I don’t like feeling obligated, either to give or receive a gift of a certain monetary value.

    5. The IT Manager*

      Above someone mentioned love language. My love language (and yours) is not gifts. I had a problem with an ex giving me trinckets I didn’t want to show he was thinking of me. I was just like: tell me that, don’t buy me junk I don’t need. Or more importantly -spend time with me- (we were long distance and my love language is togetherbess time.

      1. the gold digger*

        Me, neither! My love language is Do The Gross Stuff For Me:

        * clean the hair (mine, not his) from the shower drain
        * clean the nasty goo from the dehumidifier
        * clean the catbox
        * get rid of dead vermin

        Fortunately, it is my husband’s love language as well. :)

      2. TheLazyB*

        My husband drives me mad buying me stuff. He doesn’t understand the love language thing :(

    6. C Average*

      I’ve made it generally known that I prefer perishables as gifts because I, too, prefer to keep my stuff limited. I think people do like the idea of choosing something they think I’d like, rather than picking something off a list, and I totally get that! So choosing a broad category (perishables) gives them some room to be creative. I’ve received wine, spice, chocolate, flowers, fresh-caught steelhead salmon, pineapple (my favorite food), cognac (my favorite anything), etc.

      I like the IDEA of charities, but I grew up in a red state and know it’d be a challenge to find a charity that both I and many of the givers in my life feel good about supporting.

      My husband and I have a tradition where every year on or around his birthday, I plan a multi-day backpacking trip for us. I choose the location, secure any necessary permits, tell him which days to take off from work. I do all the packing, food planning, gear accumulation, etc. And then when we get in the car (I drive), I hand him the map or guidebook. It’s our favorite gift. I love giving it and he loves getting it.

      2. Rabbit*

        “I like the IDEA of charities, but I grew up in a red state and know it’d be a challenge to find a charity that both I and many of the givers in my life feel good about supporting.”

        Yeah, that’s why I deliberately keep my birthday charities ~fun~. I come from a family with a huge mix of faiths and political backgrounds and if I asked for donations to, say, Planned Parenthood it would go over like a lead balloon with a lot of them. It’s taken a few years, but I think I’ve finally found a mix that works for my facebook.

        On that note, I’ve found over the years that literally the one charity nobody in my family has a beef with is Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library, which is great. Apparently the one thing my argument prone family (we once spent hours on Christmas arguing about the morality and ethics of live tree vs cut tree vs fake tree and don’t even get us started on indoor vs outdoor cats) unilaterally agrees on is that small children getting books in the mail is a good thing!

      3. Margali*

        That is an amazing gift! I’m not a backpacker, but having a weekend away given to me like that would be wonderful!

      4. AliceBD*

        I have found international charities that do disaster relief/development/medical care are charities that my very conservative relatives and I agree on. I like to donate to charities for birthdays and get donations to charities for my birthday, so things like Heifner International and Doctors Without Borders go over well in a way that similar domestic charities wouldn’t.

    7. Hrovitnir*

      You’re going to need to say something. Just casually when it’s not near your birthday, mention that you don’t like stuff and that extends to gifts, so you’re happy with vouchers of they really want to get you something, or genuinely would prefer nothing.

      I love giving gifts far more than I like getting them (I like that too but giving is better), though I have been really touched by a couple of particularly nice ones. I wouldn’t be remotely offended if you said that, and would very happily buy you vouchers for things like massages if you’re into that. :D

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        But don’t be surprised if someone just doesn’t listen. I love my best friend to death, but in 24 years, she has gotten me exactly three gifts I liked. With her, it’s that she thinks everyone has the same taste she does, so she buys stuff that she thinks is nice, not that the recipient would necessarily think is nice. Ex: The abominable snowman oven mitt with the pre-made cookie mix attached. I bake everything from scratch, so I wouldn’t use cookie mix, and I certainly don’t need an abominable snow man oven mitt. I just smile and say thank you for thinking of me, and then I put the gifts right in the Goodwill box.

        1. Hrovitnir*

          Bah, that is a thing. I don’t totally understand why that’s a thing, but you’re right, some people just won’t listen. :/ But they definitely won’t listen to vague hints!

    8. Bluebell*

      I try to encourage friends to share experiences with me – that way I get to spend time with them and I don’t have to find space for new things. This has meant lots of birthday dinners and drinks but also going to concerts, museums, and the spa in town that has a lovely community tub.

    9. nep*

      If you’re a monster and a beast then I am too.
      I was almost in tears a few months back thanking my mom the evening of my birthday — so grateful I was that the family (knowing very well my preference) didn’t give me gifts, and didn’t observe the day aside from a little card and saying ‘happy birthday ‘. I felt respected. (That’s slightly off-subject — anyway I am with you re: receiving gifts. It’s awkward in the moment, for sure. I just try to remind people in conversation whenever I can. Not to be a pain about it, but just to keep planting the idea in their minds that I prefer not to receive gifts, whatever the occasion.)

      1. Catherine from Canada*

        Chiming in on the beast and monster chorus.
        I have a horror of receiving gifts; I’m not a great actor and it’s exhausting to pretend that I like something/am not disappointed that it’s so badly off the mark.
        As an introvert and ASD, I hate parties even more.
        I’m going to be 60 next year. I’ve told my husband and children that There Will Be No Party. No, I Mean It, No Party. Instead, I’m going to Rome by myself for two weeks.

        1. C Average*

          So, honest question: if someone in your life sensed your discomfort and decided to stop giving you gifts after having given them to you in the past, how would you want that to transpire? Would you want to have a conversation about it, where they said something like, “I notice you don’t seem to like receiving gifts. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, and I’m thinking I should stop buying you things. But I also don’t want you to think that I’ve stopped buying you things because I feel differently about you”? Would you want them to just . . . stop? Transition to marking the occasion with a card or something super impersonal/small, like money or a charitable donation?

          There are a few people in my life who clearly don’t enjoy getting gifts from me, even though I try to choose small and careful gifts for them that won’t create too much drama, but it would feel weird to just stop giving them gifts cold-turkey, you know? Especially at family gatherings where gifts are distributed to other people who DO enjoy getting them. I’d hate to have the cessation of gifts be misread as anger or a change in my regard toward them.

          (It’s always been awkward giving gifts to my 15-year-old stepdaughter, who hasn’t ever appeared to like getting them. For Hanukkah this year I got her a Hydro-Flask, after seeing her eyeing them in the store. She carries the thing EVERYWHERE. It makes me irrationally happy to have gotten her something she actually likes. But I’m already dreading the next gift-giving occasion, because I know I’m not going to do that well again.)

          1. AstroDeco*

            C Average, simple & direct would work for me.
            My first thought to your question was “No big deal, just stop giving gifts.” However after I thought on this some more I realised that I’d think it odd if one stopped with no explanation. I’d be okay with it, although I’d also find it odd.

            Ask what one would like as a gift & if the reply is ambiguous then confess you often have trouble finding that perfect thing & you want to give something they’d truly like. You could also ask if there’s something they’d like yet wouldn’t purchase for themselves.

            If you’re still not certain, then usually a gift card to a favourite shop or restaurant is good. The old stigmas of gift cards no longer apply in my opinion, because one is still giving something that person will like.

          2. CM*

            Give her money! You can have a “I’m not giving you gifts anymore” conversation with a peer, but not with your stepdaughter. Money may seem impersonal to you, but to her it might seem like, finally, something that she really wants and needs!

    10. AstroDeco*

      You’re being considerate in that you don’t want others to spend money on things you won’t use as much as the giver might think & you do appreciate the thoughts behind the gifts. Then there’s the practically of transport, how much space you have in your home & your personal likes.

      You’re not a horrible monster, No Gifts!
      Although I might be biased because I can relate & I’m glad to read that we’re not alone.
      ;-)

      We all want to gift something the recipient will enjoy, so you need to get the word out as to what that is. For me, usually I can just tell one or two close friends who are glad to get the word out. And if there are talks about celebrating a “gift” holiday, I’ll usually pre-empt gift talk by saying something like “It’s been a busy few months & I’d love the simplicity of just being with friends. I’d love to bring the kids something!”
      “Because her flat is the size of a postage stamp, AstroDeco really can’t use/display much more than she already has. She thinks it’s a gift to just hang out with friends when she comes to town/ The best gift you can give her is to do something nice for yourself [or your family]/ She really likes this charity/ She likes to shop at FaveStore so I’m sure she’d appreciate a gift card/ Really all she wants is to be with those she loves!”

      Of course, none of this means “no gifts ever” & it’s always cool when you find that perfect card or gift for someone or receive this yourself!!

      As a side note, one of the best gifts I’ve ever received is a dvd that I haven’t ever watched. Once I had a houseguest who brought a gift for me. A few months later, he came again & brought me a dvd that is not something I’d normally watch; it wasn’t offensive at all, just a type of comedy I don’t care for.

      This dvd stays in my collection because every time I see or think of it I grin. When my friend gave the dvd to me, he said “I wanted to bring you a dvd although I couldn’t think of what to bring that wasn’t one you already had. So I asked myself ‘What movie does she probably not have or would like?'”

      The reverse logic cracked me up & it’s one of the best & most thoughtful gifts I’ve ever received!!
      One day I’ll watch this dvd…

    11. AstroDeco*

      No Gifts, look at the above thread began by Cristina in England re April Fool’s & fake news.
      Use fake gift suggestions; ask for the Google Gnome or ont of the ThinkGeek faux products.

      Lol!!
      (& just joking)

      2. No gifts!*

        Ha! That is actually a great idea that might work with my circle of friends! At least with some of them. Ok, actually it maybe has a 50/50 chance of working but it’s so funny I’m gonna try it! Thanks too to everyone else’s suggestions and commiserations. I will probably try a combo of them. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who gets anxious or annoyed by gifts!

    12. MommyMD*

      Gift cards. I do not like knick knacks or stuff that takes up space. I never give that useless stuff. I find out what someone wants and gift like, like Ugg boots, etc. Or give a gift card to a restaurant, movie, bookstore, etc.

    13. Mephyle*

      You’re my soul sister! I don’t have suggestions, because I don’t have many people in my life who are moved to give me gifts.
      I’m also a bad gift giver as well as receiver, and I find it exasperating how many people hate registries. I love giving something off a registry, because you know you’re giving them what they want (and if it’s delivered, they don’t have to lug it around).

    14. DanaScully*

      Yes! I feel so overwhelmed by people giving me *things*. I live in a small space and I constantly have a niggling worry of ‘where will this go?!’. For my most recent birthday I asked for candles or edibles/drinkables which people kindly complied with. It was a refreshing change to not be drowning in toiletries and knick-knacks I didn’t have the room for. I love candles and people bought me some really nice ones that I wouldn’t pay for myself. I will be adopting the same request for each birthday/Christmas that comes around, I think.

  13. Roseberriesmaybe*

    I watched Paris is Burning the other day. It would break your heart but I really want to learn more about (my) gay culture

    2. Junior Dev*

      Ooh, I’ll check it out. I went through a phase (after the election) of trying to watch a bunch of LGBT themed movies, but mostly ended up finding silly comedies.

    4. gingerblue*

      Every time I see this movie title I have a moment of dissonance where I confuse it with the WWII movie Is Paris Burning, which is not the same thing at all.

  14. Anon4*

    Hi, I’m a Uni student and keep procrastinating on my assignments. I can’t really predict why I feel so sad and lonely (might be because I’m still in my parents’ home while a lot of my friends are overseas). I Guess I don’t really know what to do and how to move forward.

    1. Drew*

      First of all, what you’re going through sounds perfectly normal for many students. I don’t know if that will help in the moment, but you are definitely not alone.

      Since you ARE a student, you should check into what health services are available at your school. Even just talking to a counselor for an hour once a week or so might help, and they might be able to figure out if there’s something more that could be done. (It sounds to me like you might have low-grade depression, but I am absolutely not qualified to diagnose that, so talk to someone who is.)

      I hope you’re able to get some help and get back to rocking your bad self. :-)

    2. Thlayli*

      I second talking to someone to deal with the emotional stuff, but also think of practical ways to solve the procrastination. When I was a student I gave myself a target of one solid hour work every day mon-fri on a particular project plus one solid hour of work on study (this was in addition to classes/short term assignments. So I would write P and S on each day mon-fri. If I did the hour I would cross it off, if I did less than the hour I would carry it over, so on Tuesday I might have 1.5P, S, meaning I had to do 1.5 hours project and 1 hour study. At the end of the week I would have maybe 5hours of work to do on Saturday and I would know if i had just done it during the week I could have taken Saturday off! It helped me stop procrastinating so much I’ve used similar methods for all sorts of stuff since (work, hobby projects, sport etc). It might not work for you but try it and if not then look for a system that does work.

    3. Channel Z*

      I did the same in my student days and still do now to some extent, and am slowing learning why. A good therapist taught me about irrational thinking.. “I have to get this done..” when in reality the only things you have to do are wear clothes, eat, sleep, drink water, and go to the toilet. Framing it in mind as “I choose to work for one hour now ” instead of I “have to work” helped take the edge off and made it a bit easier to start. And if I felt overwhelmed I gave myself permission to stop and take a break with slow breathing.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      How’s your vitamin D levels doing?
      If a meal looks like junk food, maybe it’s time to tweak that a little.
      How’s your water intake? Lack of water seriously muddies our ability to think.
      Do you take walks?

      Understand that the procrastination feeds the sadness AND the sadness feeds the procrastination. It’s a circle and we need to find ways to break into the circle. It’s worthwhile to con, coax, bribe, threaten and otherwise move yourself into doing the assignments. Break the assignments into doable segments.
      You can use the reward system. When I am tired/drawn I tell myself, once I have done A, B and C then I can go have a nap.

      A good decision to make, if you can, is to decide that comparing yourself to your friends is NOT a life habit you want. It will not serve you well as most of the time we can find ways to tell ourselves we have failed. Strive to compare you-today to you-yesterday. Are you doing a bit better than you were 6 months ago? Six years ago?

      College is a hard time because we are building ourselves up. Sometimes we can feel little to no sense of accomplishment. It’s kind of like you open an IRA and you put $1000 in it. You know darn well you are going to need more than a grand when you retire. So that IRA is looking like peanuts right now. In time it will grow. Likewise with your education you are making that investment in you now, so that later you will be in a better spot. It’s a crock pot not a microwave.

      Sometimes when I feel down for a number of reasons, I have to stop and make a list of things I am grateful for. Anything is fair game, a warm room, a hot meal, a good friend, etc. I just throw everything I can think of on that list. There have been nights when the only way I could get myself to fall asleep was by working on my list of things I am grateful for. This is hard to do. If the wheels fall off, your mind drifts, then forgive yourself and get back on track with your list.

    5. Sugar of lead*

      There’s a series of articles that might help with the procrastination. It’s on a blog called waitbutwhy, and it has pictures. Just google “Waitbutwhy procrastination” and it’s the first result. It’s really helped me.

    6. A. Non*

      All of these suggestions above are really good ones, but yes, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. It also probably looks like A LOT to do at once, so don’t feel you need to do it at once. I do encourage you to use campus services to see about someone to talk to, and I encourage you to find a group that you think would be cool to be a part of, and see about joining it. Highschool to uni is a huge change in your life, and it can be paralyzingly scary to have to go out and find new people. Hang in there, and know it’s a common experience!

    7. joe*

      Some things that helped/help me, if you want things to try

      General wellbeing: Get some exercise, drink water, keep a regular sleep schedule, eat some vegetables. I find my time management and brainspace are better when my body doesn’t feel crappy, and it never hurts.

      Time management: The Pomodoro method (and similar) is my current favorite, wherein you work for 20 minute blocks, then take a 10 minute break, every three times you take a longer break (I don’t remember the actual interval). Using Internet blockers (I use SelfControl, which is for Mac, have also heard ColdTurkey for PC is good) that lock you out of procrastination-enabling sites is also sometimes helpful.

      Calling in professionals: Go see the school counseling folks, as they will know more good things to point you at and can help a lot

    8. TL -*

      Oh I used to break my assignments up into parts – for instance, I’d do a bunch of reading and quote mining when I first got a research paper assigned. Then I’d put it away for a bit, then I’d remember I had this big paper due. And I’d pull everything out and realize that literally all I had to do was write and put in supporting quotes and references from my notebook (already had them written out with page numbers) and it would look so easy that I’d just do it right away. Plus I’d have had some time to think about it, so I would have better ideas.
      But “I need to read and quote mine” wasn’t a big task. And neither was “I need to write around this evidence I have and have thought about for a week or more.”

    9. MommyMD*

      Just force yourself to dive in. No matter how hard. You will feel better. Just do it.

  15. Tau*

    My possibly-cluster-headaches appear to be starting up again and I am not okay with this development. After 15 years of yearly pain, they became more sporadic and I was crossing my fingers that they were going away or that the HBC I’d gone on was somehow stopping them. But I had three bouts of pain on Thursday and then one already this morning, which doesn’t bode well for the next few weeks. :(

    In related news, whoever invented those adhesive cold patches deserves a medal.

    1. DoDah*

      Migraineur here. I am sorry about your headaches. It took a few tries with meds and diet changes to get a handle on them. I still get them sometimes, though. For me, aging seems to make them more frequent.

    2. LawCat*

      I’m sorry :-(

      I hope they resolve soon. I used to get them regularly, but now they’re very rare. They are terrible and I cross my fingers that the next few weeks are okay.

      1. Tau*

        I’m happy that yours have gotten rare! And hopeful mine will go the same way. I haven’t had another bout all day so far and the schedule doesn’t generally include evenings* so here’s hoping…

        * although my understanding is that my headaches aren’t technically painful enough to be cluster headaches – 7-8 on the pain scale instead of 11 – the bizarre regularity applies or at least applied to such an extent I really have no idea what else they could be.

        1. LawCat*

          Mine were of a much shorter duration than clusters typically are (but occurring in repeated intervals). I think I might have been misdiagnosed and they were probably more likely these: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_paroxysmal_hemicrania

          Pain is so subjective. I’d describe the pain as someone sticking a knife in my head and twisting it. I have a very high tolerance for pain, maybe developed from having these headaches!

          In my early twenties, I started getting them less frequently. Thinking about it, it’s been at least two years since I had a day experiencing them. (Once I had one, I would always continue to get them at least throughout the day.) I went from getting them every few weeks to every few months to a couple times per year to now.

          1. LawCat*

            Also, I never took medication for the headaches. The doctor told me not to drink caffeine or consume foods with nitrates so I did not (until the headaches started going away). I am not sure if that would help you, but might be worth a shot.

          2. Tau*

            For me, the duration and occurrence used to be pretty on-the-nose for clusters – I’d get them once a year (always sometime between March and July), lasting for two weeks. During those two weeks I’d get up to three headaches a day that would last around 1-2 hours and always occurred at the same time of day. For instance, one around 2-4am, one around 8-11am and one around 3-5pm. That stopped around two years ago, which was the same year I started taking hormonal birth control – I still wonder about a connection there. They’d pop up sporadically instead – two years ago I had them every weekend in September and never during the week, I was a little pissed off about that! – so I’m hoping this is another one of those sporadic bouts.

            You’re right that pain is very subjective, and I’d never say that mine aren’t, y’know, agonisingly painful. (It feels a bit like someone repeatedly stabbing a red-hot needle through my face and then into my eye. The path said needle takes is pretty clearly the trigeminal nerve, so trigeminal neuralgia is also a possibility I guess.) It’s just that whenever you look this up you end up with talk about cluster headaches being the “worst pain known to humanity” and that seems a liiittle extreme to me. Especially when I am a wuss with low pain tolerance who’s never so much broken a bone and I’ve still had similarly painful experiences. The time the local anaesthetic wore off right after I’d had a wisdom tooth taken out comes to mind.

            No caffeine or nitrates is worth a shot! I don’t really take meds for them either – OTC painkillers sometimes because I feel like if I get them in early enough they can avert a bout, but honestly I suspect that one is wishful thinking. I’ve never properly seen a doctor for them, mainly because I used to think they were toothaches (the area of pain has expanded over the years and it started off more in my cheek). Several years and four wisdom tooth extractions later, I started to wonder if these might actually not be toothaches but by then I’d accepted them as normal.

            It’s probably worth looking into if I get two-week clusters again, especially because I can see this being a real problem at work. I basically spent three hours doing nothing on Thursday, and my coworkers were going “for the love of god, Tau, go home, you’re making us miserable just looking at you”… but I can’t call off sick for two weeks, and I’m perfectly functional in between bouts. :/

            1. Jules the First*

              Out of curiosity, have you made any changes to your HBC recently? For example, switched from a branded to a generic, or been on antibiotics or some other meds that mess with hormonal absorption? I use HBC to manage my monthly migraine and morning sickness and it took forever to find a dose that worked. We then discovered (when my brand experienced a supply-chain hiccup) that the exact same dose from a different brand is not effective…so we’re now very careful to fill my prescription from either the branded version or the generic that’s made in the same factory (vs. the generic produced by a different supplier). Likewise, if I have a round of antibiotics, my next cycle will be accompanied by a minor migraine and mild nausea.

      1. Tau*

        They are gel sheets which you can stick to your face and which have a cooling effect. They’re really quite cold, you don’t have to refrigerate them or anything, and they last for hours – I have no idea how this works, it’s probably magic. Anyway, I find them super handy because unlike pressing an ice pack to your head, you have your hands free, you’re not getting everything wet and you can target the affected areas very directly.

        I’m going to leave a link to the ones I use in a comment.

          1. Colleen*

            I have heard of these — I just hadn’t thought of putting them in my face for headaches. Thanks. Much better than washcloths that warm up way too fast.

    4. Science!*

      My husband is a cluster headache sufferer. His clusters last 3-4 weeks, with 3-6 migraines a day. But they only reoccur every 24 months, so we consider him one of the lucky ones. But as he’s gotten older the cycle has gotten odd. They used to come every other October but then one year they came in November and two years later, January. And the last cluster was January 2015, so more than 24 months and no sign of them.

      My reading does suggest that people can age out of cluster headaches. We are hoping that’s what’s happened.

  16. Drew*

    First-world whine coming:

    I’m at a conference and the hotel bar closed at 10 p.m. What. The hell. It’s like they don’t even KNOW me.

      1. the gold digger*

        I have to go to Chicago for a trade show tomorrow and Primo is going with me to hang out. The karaoke bar he wants to go to doesn’t even start karaoke until 10 p.m.

        1. salad fingers*

          Oh no, 10pm is so late ;_; If Primo doesn’t get his fill at that place, let him know we have a 4am/5am karaoke bar called Alice’s in Avondale for EVEN LATER singing along. No one sounds good/everyone sounds good at after hours karaoke.

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      10 pm is ridiculous! What the? Can you order to-go drinks? Also, is there a minibar? These are important questions.

    5. AstroDeco*

      LOL, April Fool’s Prank & ROFLMAO “It’s like they don’t even KNOW me.”
      I’m sorry for your ordeal & I hope the conference is over soon!!

      If you can, please help with my curiosity & ask the hotel why their bar closes at 10pm. 11pm, maybe. Although 10pm…?
      No. Just no.

  17. Bianca*

    This is sort of following the credit card question from yesterday (but is totally off-topic so it didn’t feel right to reply in that thread). I’ve always been sort of confused by the advice that you should get rid of credit cards if you want to get out of debt.vGiven that credit card statements provide a record of spending, I always thought it was a better way to keep track of spending compared with cash. (The caveat of course being that you never use a credit card to buy what you can’t pay back immediately). That on top of interest-free periods and reward points, it’s surely a better way to manage money?

    (Of course there are other reasons people don’t want a credit card, but not related to this.

    1. Colette*

      Many people don’t stop to think about whether they can pay off the purchase before putting it in a card. If you use cash, once you spend it, it’s gone.

      People who are in debt due to overspending have often treated credit cards as free/unlimited money.

    2. Thlayli*

      I think that advice is based on the fact that a lot of people who get into debt have trouble controlling and managing their spending, so if they have access to easy money they spend it, they don’t pay it back immediately, and they have no idea how much they are spending, how much they are paying in interest or how much they even owe. For those people “get rid of your credit cards” is the best advice.

      However a large number of people who get into debt are not like that and are in debt because of other reasons like not earning enough to survive or some incident or circumstance that they had to get into debt for. If you fall into the latter category then yes absolutely a credit card is a great think to have because if you pay it off in full every month it costs you zero and you get interest free loan for a period of time.

      Getting an itemised statement isn’t specific to credit cards though, most debit cards do that too.

    3. Red Reader*

      It depends on whether your primary goal is to
      A. Track your spending without having to remember to write everything down, or
      B. Not spend money you don’t have in your hand right this second.

      If your financial concerns stem from overspending, seeing the limits on your money by using cash may be more important to you and you can still track it manually. If you’re not running out of money and you just want to be better about knowing where it’s going, a credit card or a service like Mint may be more useful.

    4. Dizzy Steinway*

      Cash is a bit more tangible – it’s there and then it’s not.

      The trick is to write it down before you spend it, not after!

    5. overeducated*

      I think the idea is that people in debt due to overspending need help following your caveat. It’s not a side remark, it’s the entire issue. (That means cutting up credit cards only helps with consumer debt though.)

    6. RussianTea14*

      When I was trying to get out of debt, the biggest help to me was not using my credit card. I had a bad habit of going to the mall or online shopping very carelessly. If I didnt have anything to do on a Saturday, I would find myself at the mall, buying a lot of stuff I didnt need. Using a credit card to purchase stuff didnt really register with me.

      Cash is much more “real” to me. When I see it leaving my wallet, it hurts more.

      Since getting out debt, I havent used credit cards. There is honestly nothing I miss about it. My husband doesnt have any either. We have been able to accomplish so much by being intentional with our money. Personally, I would not trade the freedom I have from being debt free for any possession.

      1. C Average*

        Same here. If I had the capacity to spend, I would spend. I was absolutely incapable of not making impulse purchases if I had the purchasing power to make them. I could look for and probably find all kinds of root causes, but the bottom line was that I had the ability to solve the problem by cutting off avenues of spending. If I had no plastic and I had a monthly cash budget for various categories of spending, my spending was self-limited. And yes, at first I ran out of money before the end of the month and ate a lot of PB&J, but I’m still here to tell the tale, and it was a lot better than staying in debt.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          This is why we have automatic transfers to different savings accounts — it gives us an idea of how much we can spend by how much is left in the checking account, making budgeting kind of automatic. We have an emergency fund and a home improvement/repair fund, and a new car fund which could double as an emergency car repair fund if we needed it. We also have a charitable giving account and a property tax/homeowners insurance account, and so with all those automatic deductions (except the emergency fund, which is adequate), we don’t spend as much as we could.

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Studies have shown that, all else being equal, you will spend more using credit cards than you will spending cash. (Links in a reply to this comment.)

      That said, we do use our credit cards for everything but independent local merchants for the reasons you mention (more for cash back than for bookkeeping), and our spending is manageable, and we are setting aside about 2/3 of our takehome pay before we can spend it. Some is savings, some is put aside for certain expenses, but that’s how we try to constrain our spending to the other 1/3.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Do you actually use the statements to look at your spending? Many people do not, they pray they can pay the bill and move on.

      I think that interest free periods and reward points are just a loan. The credit card companies will get that money back from you at their first opportunity. They will charge you for something else to get that money.

      For me, the problem with more than one credit card is that I won’t remember how much I have charged on it at any given moment. I probably will not keep a running tally. This means I am vulnerable to carrying too much debt, because at any given moment I do not know what I owe.

      So the arguments are: Having multiple credit cards can lead to confusion on current balances. It can encourage overspending, spending beyond our means. The savings programs aren’t really saving us that much. Annnd not every bill we have goes on the credit card so the credit card bills do not accurately portray what we are spending.

      I am a conservative person. I like to have a tight handle on my finances. You can use a spreadsheet or pencil and paper to write an actual budget. The problem with credit card statements is that the money is already spent. The trick is to catch the money BEFORE it leaves our bank accounts.

      My friend has a credit card for every major store around here. I am not kidding you when I tell you I hear her say, “But without this store’s credit card this item would have cost me $15 more!” Really? $15? Not worth it to me. I look around and I have plenty of stuff here that I can be using. I don’t need more stuff. My friend is constantly worried about all her incoming bills. Sometimes she gets all the credit card bills paid and then realizes she has forgotten to buy oil for her home heating. There’s no money left. Whoops.

      All my life I have one general credit card that I can use anywhere. I put whatever I need on it. I pay it off every month. My budget allows me to put X amount on it each month this includes food and gas. Like I said, I am conservative, to me life is filled with unforeseens. I remember one bad month, the hot water heater went ($1000), a head gasket in my car went ($1000) and the floor in a storage room caved in ($2000). All in one month, I was almost in tears. This is how things go for me and I know I have to be on top of the finances so I can make these quick emergency decisions. Because of not carrying a lot of credit card debt, I can make these decisions and get these needed repairs done.

      1. the gold digger*

        Do you actually use the statements to look at your spending

        1. Until I got married, I had only one (personal) credit card. Primo had several (for various points programs), but has winnowed them to the essentials. Makes me nuts but he does not overspend.
        2. I look at my statement to detect fraud. I audit every statement, every month. Three times in my life, my card number – not the card itself – just the number – has been used by someone else. It’s really annoying to have to deal with a fraudulent charge!

        1. TL -*

          I have one for everyday use, one that all my bills go on, and two that are financing for big purchases that don’t get used. (One will be paid off soon and will be closed.)

          I sometimes use the bills one if I left my everyday one in my pocket or a purse or something but having multiple credit cards has never been a problem for me as long as each one has a defined purposed.

      2. Dan*

        “I think that interest free periods and reward points are just a loan. The credit card companies will get that money back from you at their first opportunity. They will charge you for something else to get that money.”

        Maybe, maybe not. I’ve traveled all over the world on frequent flyer miles that I’ve earned through credit card sign ups. I’m traveling to South Africa later in the year, and stopping at Oktoberfest in Munich on the way home. I think my business class tickets for that trip cost $150 in taxes.

        I just bought a business class ticket on Korean Airlines for a trip to the Phillipines next year. That ticket cost me $34 in taxes and fees. Most of the miles I got through a signup bonus with the Delta credit card. I might have paid an annual fee once, in the neighborhood of $95.

        I’ll never make the claim that mileage travel is truly “free”, as many cards have annual fees, and pretty much every trip is going to require you to pay taxes, and some have fuel surcharges, which aren’t cheap.

        But I will say I have a long way to go before the banks make money off of me. The travel I’ve already done nonwithstanding, at this very moment, I have enough points with Chase where I could get a real check (not funny money) written to me for well over $2,000.

        I’m not entire sure what point you’re trying to make with the last paragraph — if I have those kinds of emergency expenses come up, I pay for it with a credit card without thinking twice about it.

        1. TL -*

          Yup, my parents own their own business and they put all their business expenses on a travel rewards credit card. They haven’t paid for airfare in years; they don’t go anywhere exciting but they do like to fly to their vacation property a couple times a year and they fly their kids in for the holidays. :)
          Heck, I don’t put nearly that much on my credit card but I have a no-annual-fee travel card and it knocked over $500 off my upcoming overseas flight, which was really nice (I would’ve put everything on that credit card anyways, so it required no extra effort on my part.)

        2. JKP*

          As a merchant I learned that all those rewards/cash back/mileage points are being paid for by the merchant. We get charged between 1-2% more in processing fees for rewards/points cards than regular cards. So the credit card companies don’t have to recoup those costs from you the consumer. They already passed them down to us the merchants.

    9. Hrovitnir*

      Heh, it’s funny because I don’t really see cash as “real money” and am worse at not spending it – though I do spend more than I should online, and that requires a credit or debit card.

      But yeah, it’s tricky because it’s easy to overspend with credit cards, but if you don’t have them or other debts you have no credit record. :/ And used well, (I know) they’re economical.

      1. Anxa*

        Same! I think it’s the breaking of bills and the whole coin thing. I keep track of spending to the penny, not too long ago a rounding error could have been the difference in making it to the next paycheck. I find it easier to keep a mental list of swipes instead of cash. I keep an index card in my wallet with a golf pencil so I can track where I spent my cash withdrawals.

      2. George Willard*

        Same for me with cash! Seeing the exact amounts through my debit/credit cards helps me budget much more effectively.

    10. Anu*

      I think it really depends on your personality. I actually don’t have any problem thinking of spending on a credit card as real money. I look at all my transactions on Mint and it reduces my net worth just the same as if it were an ATM withdrawal. And I can track exactly where the money is going. On the other hand, I’ve never been in any kind of debt besides mortgage debt, always paying off credit cards in full each month. So likely what works for me might not work for others.

    11. LCL*

      I will never live without a credit card again. I did in the early 80s when I was just starting my adult life. It was actually hard to get credit then; people as poor as me not having credit cards was the norm.

      But, a credit card is a fantastic emergency fund. Because I had no credit, and no extra money, I had to go without a car for two months because I couldn’t afford repairs. I walked 2.5 miles to my restaurant job, and begged rides home. I had to wait until my dog was a year old to get her spayed, and had to borrow the money to get that done at the cheap clinic. If I would have been able to borrow money somehow for emergency expenses, I would have had more energy and been able to get a better job.

      1. Dan*

        Me either. My car broke once, and thankfully the shop let me pay with post dated checks.

        Also, I’ll never use a debit card again. Once, my debit card got compromised, and somebody drained every last penny from my bank account. Yes, I got my money back, but I needed to get an advance on my paycheck to get through the next four days while the bank “investigated”. When your car needs gas and you need food, four days with *zero* cash and *no* credit cards are pretty hellish.

        1. JKP*

          When my account was compromised, they closed my account and transferred everything to a new account (new checks, debit card, etc). But then the payroll company kept messing up the change request to direct deposit my money into the new account, and my paychecks kept bouncing because they were trying to deposit them to a closed account. Every pay period, they promised the system was fixed this time. But I went weeks and weeks without access to my income. I wouldn’t have made it without my credit cards.

    12. Jean who wants less physical & mental clutter*

      I put almost all transactions either on my debit card or online banking (happens electronically, but not automatically–I have to actually log in and initiate the payments) so that there’s a recorded record. I discovered that it’s possible to download account transaction history in a spreadsheet. What makes this great is:
      a) I get to specify the start & end dates of the date range.
      b) I can sort the downloaded data in different ways. Sort by vendor and see how much I spend every month at such-and-such grocery store. Sort by amount (?) to see how many transactions are more than $100 or less than $10. I haven’t actually tried this but it might be educational. Even the under-ten-dollars purchases can reach a significant total.
      Do I do this all the time? No, but it’s nice to know that the data is available without my having to create and maintain a complicated, time-consuming ledger or record book.

      1. Mike C.*

        The ability to download data (or use the credit union’s online tools) is huge for me. I can easily produce all sorts of metrics and figure out where I can be more responsible.

      2. Marisol*

        I do the same, and download transaction records onto mint.com to allocate purchases. I try to do this weekly. I rarely make cash purchases because even though I save receipts, it’s just too onerous for me to reconcile cash withdrawals to my purchases and so whatever I buy with cash often goes unaccounted for. But with the debit card and mint, it’s super easy to budget, etc. Mint is free–I highly recommend it.

    13. copy run start*

      I started using a credit card for simplicity (just pay one bill at the end of the month for groceries, gas, etc.) But then I would spend too much and just pay what I could, or have a month where I had less income, letting the balance build bit by bit. I didn’t think it was a big deal to pay a bit of interest for things that I presumably needed now.

      After I crossed that threshold, I started using it for bigger purchases where I’d think I would pay all/part over time, or I was “afraid” of committing that much real money from my bank account, so I used the credit card. I’d convince myself I was paying off my $500 purchase when paying $500 at the end of the month, even though I was carrying a balance constantly. It finally became a problem when it was a struggle to make the minimum payment each month. That’s when I finally realized I had $4,500 in debt and took home less than $800 a month. I was on food stamps, I had no family safety net, no savings, no credit card balance to fall on if something happened. So when I finally got a better job I was laser-focused on paying that down.

      After I paid off my credit card, I found my old statements and went through them. Tons of things I would’ve SWORN I paid cash for went on that card. I was living in another reality. I was buying smartphones and game consoles that I could not afford, and by the time I paid that debt off, I had traded in that smartphone AND the one that came after. That console was almost 5 years old. The laptop I bought had long since broken. It was crushing.

      Now I use my debit card exclusively. I don’t carry cash because I’m just as terrible with it and I need that record, like you said. I keep my credit card alive by charging Netflix to it, but it’s on autopay in full. Now when I purchase something it has to be real money. YNAB really helped me get the card paid off and now keeps me from falling into the same trap.

      I have considered getting one for online purchases so I’m not exposing my debit card. I’ll be looking for one with a low interest rate, not cash back/points, so that if I do get into trouble at least I’m not fighting back against 27% interest again. Cash back/points just seems like an easy way to justify overspending to my brain.

      1. Dan*

        Yes, if you don’t have discipline, credit cards are going to be your worst enemy.

        I urge you in the strongest of words that I can find to NOT use a debit card for online purchases, particularly if you don’t have easy access to another source of cash if your account gets compromised.

        FWIW, your interest rate is a function of your credit score. My points cards are all at 15.4% interest. I have a non-points card at 11.4%. The lowest one I ever had was at 8%. But, if you get into a jam, you really shouldn’t be financing your debt this way. I have multiple cards that have 0% APR balance transfer offers. One card I have charges a 4% fee, but the 0% period is a year and a half (18 months). I have another that has a 0% APR offer with a 1% fee, and I think that’s also good for 18 months.

        Yes, points/cash back will get you into trouble if you think you’re “making” money or something every time you use your card. You can only win with points/cash back if you disassociate the rewards from the spend. Don’t go to dinner tonight just because your card is having a 5% bonus on restaurants this month. All that means is that your $100 dinner cost you $95 instead. It doesn’t even cover the tip.

        1. copy run start*

          My interest rate was something like 19% (still awful, but I got this card when I had no credit) but I missed a payment because of timezones ONCE and they jacked it up. (As in it was due at midnight EST and I had it in at 11 CST….) And have never, ever agreed to lower it, despite my credit now being really good. It’s the only payment I’ve ever missed in 10 years. I purchased a car at 3.75% a few years back and they STILL won’t lower the rate. I only keep it around since it’s my oldest account, aside from student loans.

          I do keep the majority of my savings in a separate account with a different bank, so I won’t be hosed. I could last a few months if someone drained my main account. Still… needs to be dealt with….

          1. Dan*

            Just to be clear, you do know that interest rates only matter of you carry a balance, right? (And if you are, let’s discuss options…)

            Your card sounds like capital one. They are complete dicks with their sub prime products. It’s easier to get a new card with a different bank than it is to get capital one to budge.

            I once had a video store late fee charge to a capital one card I hadn’t been using in awhile. It was $2. Except I wasn’t paying attention, and missed the statement. Ended with two missed payment fees – that $2 turned into $60. I would have appreciated a call that said, “you know you missed your payment, right?”

        2. Jessesgirl72*

          You are more likely to have an account compromised through in person transactions than through online purchases. This has been proven over and over.

          Online, there are all kinds of protections.

          In person, the kid making minimum wage can have a card reader in his apron.

    14. LawCat*

      I use YNAB budgeting software and it works extremely well at tracking spending regardless of debit, cash, credit, or checks. We use credit cards primarily because we get points, purchase protection, and better fraud protection than with debit. But we only spend within our budget.

      I think credit cards get dangerous when people spend without any budget/plan and just hope they can cover it.

      1. Ella*

        I use the goodbudget app for similar reasons. I put everything on my credit card, but since I’m tracking how much money I have, I can pay it off at the end of the month.

    15. George Willard*

      I really think this is only applicable advice if someone has a a clinical-level problem with impulse control (though in that case, it’s not only applicable but necessary).

      1. TL -*

        Eh, I think having only a minor problem can be a big deal if you’re on a shoestring budget. It’s hard to always say no if you have the means to say yes – even if the means is a credit line and not the actual cash, unfortunately!

      2. C Average*

        I don’t think it’s that straightforward in every situation. In my case, I got into credit-card trouble in college when I used plastic to try to keep up with my better-off peers. Intellectually, I knew better, but in those moments when I was getting invited somewhere fun for spring break or helping to pay a bigger-than-expected bar tab, using the card felt easy and consequences felt far away. Those smallish debts followed me through my twenties, as I worked crappy jobs that barely covered my rent. I went further in debt to cope with the unexpected: car trouble, minor medical expendi, moving costs. It was a way to pretend I wasn’t living in poverty; I used debt to convince myself and the world that I was Making It. It took cutting that card in half, living on PB&J and ramen, and not going anywhere–in short, it took living within my actual means–to get out of debt.

        Did I have clinical levels of impulse control? Maybe. Was I poor as a church mouse and desirous of a few nice things? For sure. Maybe I could have kept the card and developed impulse control and brought my finances under control with the card still in my wallet, offering me easy access to things that would make me feel like something of a success. Maybe not.

        My life is so much better without plastic. I’m in a decent financial place now, having clawed my way to middle-class status and then married money. But I, personally, never want to carry one cent of debt for one minute again.

    16. BRR*

      I agree with what others have said. My method is paying off my credit card at least once a week. I’d spend way too much if I only paid when the bill came.

    17. Pommette*

      People who promote that advice often do it as if it were universally applicable. But whether it’s appropriate or not really depends on your personality, financial habits, and current situation.

      I much prefer using credit cards/debit to cash. It makes it easier to track where I spend, and to evaluate what habits need to change. When I take cash out, it tends to disappear without my having a clear sense of where it went. (I’m aware that I could track every small purchase by hand. It’s not a bad idea, but doing so makes me completely miserable. Using a credit card allows me to get the same information without having to stress out about money five times a day).

      I pay my cards off in full every month and weigh bigger financial decisions the same way I would if I was using cash. In the fifteen years since I got my card, I have only gotten in trouble once. It was after having being unemployed for a long time. My savings had run out. I used the card to buy necessities and to keep my utilities and phone connected; I also used it to travel out of town to attend a family funeral. I knew that I was getting into debt. I was happy to do it at a relatively low interest rate (not having any income or assets, I would not have been eligible for a personal line of credit; my only alternative at that point would have been pay-day lending shops).

      But yeah: there are some smart, reasonable, emotionally-balanced people who spend more when using a card than they would when using cash. For anyone in that basket, using cash makes a ton of sense.

      I definitely feel that the personal finance industry makes more of this piece advice than it should.

  18. Mela*

    After 12 years of doctors, lab work, and imaging, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia this week. I have an appointment next week to discuss drug options with the rheumatologist, but I’m looking for things to read up on in the meantime, specifically books, but any other kind of resources as well. It’s really exhausting trying to wade through everything, and I’m steering away from the “vaccines caused my fibro” stuff, but sometimes it’s hard to tell until you’ve read quite a bit. I’m not opposed to alternative/non-western stuff, I just don’t want to read about chemtrails-type stuff.

    2. Stacy*

      I was diagnosed many years ago now, and I remember finding Devin Starlanyl’s books and website to be very helpful. It can be a struggle for sure, but finding good resources can really help make such a difference! Especially with things like, for me, making myself exercise every day, even though my body seems to just want sleep/rest. It really makes such a difference in how I feel, even when all I can manage is 10 minutes that day,

      I was also diagnosed with Joint Hypermobilty Syndrome back then too, which has recently, finally (!!) been upgraded to a different connective tissue disorder that is really difficult to find good, quality info on. I’m hoping slowly but surely to either find helpful resources, or to do enough of my own research & experimenting with the non-drug parts of my day to fill that need myself!

      1. Nicole*

        Are there any drugs you take in addition to the exercise? I have many of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia but have never been officially diagnosed since I don’t have “enough”. However, my new doctor has started treating me as if I have it to help me feel better. He prescribed Lyrica and physical therapy. I’ve started taking the medicine but haven’t noticed any improvement. If anything I feel like it’s making my nerves feel tingly in my hands. I’ve been dragging my feet scheduling the physical therapy for a few reasons, one of them being that I feel like exercise often makes me feel worse instead of better. I plan to discuss all this at my follow up appointment in a few weeks but was curious about your experience.

        1. Stacy*

          Yes! I take Tizanidine at least every night to help with my quality of sleep. I also take it as-needed (it’s a muscle relaxer). Sometimes I take smaller 2nd dose at night, I also use it around the clock (again a smaller dose) when I do Botox for Migraine every 12 weeks, or if I sprain something, etc (oh, the joys of connective tissue disorders!) I also take Gabapentin, which is very similar to Lyrica. It’s a medication of choice for multiple issues for me, but it is one of those meds that you have to titrate to find the best dose for you, and I only really notice how much it’s helping if I stop. Mobic (Melixicam) may help too. (It’s an NSAID that you only take once each day)

        2. Stacy*

          Oh, I should have said too that the things that help me the most are keeping to a regular sleep schedule — same times to go to bed & wake up each day, even weekends. And only taking naps if I’m trying to sleep off a vicious migraine. I’m recovering from oral surgery and it is so hard to not be sleeping right now. Also massage therapy 1-2 times a week, even when I’m in PT too. It makes for a lot of appointments each week, but it makes me functional enough to hold down a job while faking being well. And also trying to get outside at least for a walk around the block. This was so much easier when I had a dog to make me get outside for at least a quick walk 3-4 times a day. I still haven’t made it a regular habit again, and it did not help that when he passed away it was suddenly and in November. So it was way too easy to be “I’m too sad” “it’s too dark” “it’s way too cold out here”, cycle, rinse, repeat. I’m working toward it though!

          1. Nicole*

            Thanks for all the helpful info!

            I know the feeling with not wanting to walk the dog – I get cold very easily so I haven’t been taking the dog outside. She gets exercise indoors but I do need to get her outside and trained to walk properly on a leash.

        3. Sami*

          Fellow FMer here. Exercise absolutely wrecks me, but curiously PT didn’t. And actually helped.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      When I got sick years ago, I found this book. It’s out of print now I believe. But it was the best book I found at that time, because it was chock full of ideas.

      I agree with you about the chem-trail stuff. Let’s suppose that the theory is accurate, this STILL does absolutely nothing to help me now. I need to talk about things that I CAN do to help me right now. That was my thinking then and it still is.

      There are more books in the series. Unfortunately, I loaned mine out and they never came back. I was looking for drug/surgery free ways of dealing with problems, I preferred to be in charge of and do my own work for my process for healing/compensating for the problems in my body. While no book is comprehensive, this book got me launched so I could go on my own and make decisions for myself.

      https://www.amazon.com/Alternative-Medicine-Fibromyalgia-Environmental-Paperback/dp/B010EWJCQG/ref=sr_1_50?ie=UTF8&qid=1489967511&sr=8-50&keywords=alternativemedicine.com

      Let me know if you have problems with the link.

    5. HannahS*

      I don’t have resources, particularly, but just to share: I have fibro too. After trying a bunch of things, I wound up on Lyrica. I love, love, love it. It completely changed my life. It isn’t normal, but I’m functional. It’s great for me, though I know it’s not for everyone.

    6. MommyMD*

      Remember that fibromyalgia is not a disease state, it is a pain syndrome. Don’t treat yourself like you are sick. Eating well and getting daily exercise is important. Walking is fine. Get involved with life and stay busy. In absence of genuine disease states such as rheumatoid arthritis pain symptoms almost always have emotional components so make sure that is addressed. Avoid going down the narcotic painkiller route which will ruin your life. I see this daily for 20 years. The physician who “invented” fibromyalgia has taken it all back. Yes, the body indeed can produce pain. But please don’t fall prey to fibromyalgia or myofascial pain syndrome as true disease states. Good luck!

    7. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      Fellow Fibro person here!

      I suggest avoiding most online Fibro forums. A lot of their regular members are essentially in a “who hurts more” match. We all hurt. We’re all in pain. It’s better to focus on what makes YOU feel better. A lot of the stuff you’ll read won’t work for you. I’m sensitive or allergic to every medication they tried, so I focus more on alternative medicine. Other folks respond to things like Lyrica or low-dose naltrexone right away.

  19. purple hat*

    So I’m currently apartment hunting, which isn’t my favourite thing to do (not just the hunting part, but also the upcoming annoyance of having to move).

    So out of interest: what things do you usually prioritise when looking for accommodation? Space? Garden? Location? Convenience?

    1. Tau*

      The things I am basically non-negotiable on are energy efficiency and location.

      Energy efficiency: Insulation, double-glazing, decent central heating. I’ve had a few harrowing experiences on this front while renting in Scotland, including the flat where I’d wake up in the morning to find it was 14C inside my bedroom and the one where we had to close the curtains to reduce the draft coming through the windows. In the UK, potential landlords are legally obliged to give you an energy report on the prospective property if you ask for one and nowadays I refuse to even consider ones with a rating below C.

      Location: So for this bit you need to keep in mind that I am an urban European person. :) The place has to in walking distance of some sort of grocery shop, the closer hte better, and I need to be able to cycle to work and other shops. That reflects both distance and available routes – living 2km away from work won’t help me at all if the only way to get there is along an A-road. Good public transport connections are a bonus, but not as important as the walking distance for grocery store/cycling distance for everything else.

      On that note, some form of cycle storage is a must. I can be flexible on what counts – I spent four years lugging my bike up and down two flights of stairs every day because the only place I could keep it was my flat – but I’m not leaving it on the street.

      I have a long list of other things I like to have (not ground-floor; washing machine in the flat; decently sized freezer; open kitchen/living area; single bed; gas hobs; the list goes on), but those are way more negotiable. I’m not actually particularly fussed as far as space is concerned – in some ways I prefer small spaces because they’re easier to keep tidy and cost less to heat. As long as I can get all my stuff in, I’m pretty much good. And a garden’s not generally an option for the sort of places I live – there either isn’t one at all or the one that’s there is shared between about ten different flats and you can’t really do anything with it – but I do totally want a balcony. That’s very much an “it would be cool” rather than a “my quality of life will be noticeably worse if I don’t have this” so it’s pretty low on the priority list.

      I’m curious to see other responses! :)

      1. Ange*

        Mine were: separate toilet (because of previous experiences), having a bath and a shower (so I have the option of both) and window-ledges, so I can put plants etc on them. Also I personally hate open plan, so I prefer a separate kitchen and living/dining room.

      2. BBBizAnalyst*

        For me, location is huge. I’m currently 5 minutes away from work and downtown. I could save a few hundred bucks if I lived further out but I’ll never get that time in traffic back. Other necessities are the apartment has to have covered parking, cannot be on the lower floors, in unit washer and dryer, dishwasher, a big kitchen and ample closet space.

        I also look at tenants… I’m 30 so I’m not interested in living in a complex overrun by undergrads. Since I’m downtown, haven’t had that issue yet thankfully.

        1. Tau*

          Oh, dishwasher! I didn’t have one for years and years but my current flat (well, one of my flats – I’m 100% travel and sort of split between a company flat during the week and my own flat on weekends) has one and oh, they are marvelous. I never want to live without one again. Guess I can be happy my next flat-search will be happening in Germany, where the rental kitchens are generally “here’s an empty room with one outlet for gas and one for water” – that makes it easy to customise your kitchen goods…

          And I hear you on the time thing. For cycling, I don’t mind living a bit further out since it’s a great way to fit in exercise (I currently cycle 30 minutes to work each way, including several hills, and am probably more fit than I’ve ever been before) but anything involving the car or transport… ugh. My weekend travel is also starting to really wear on me – it can take anywhere between 3.5 and 5 hours by train each way and I really hate spending what’s effectively a whole extra day of work travelling whenever I go back. As you say, that’s time I’m never getting back.

          1. Chaordic One*

            I remember when I was in college and my best friend, who had her own apartment, switched apartments from one that had a balcony to a different one that had a dishwasher. At the time I thought she was crazy, but she really knew what she was doing.

      3. the gold digger*

        When Primo and I bought our house, I did a lot of research. We got (and I am tired of re-typing to make parallel construction, so this is jumbled)

        * We can easily walk to the places we go frequently, like the library, church, the grocery store, restaurants, drugstore. The only place we have to drive to that is a life necessity is the post office. We are also one block from an elementary school, three blocks from a middle school, and a mile from the high school, but that’s coincidence
        * We are in one of the best school districts in the state. We don’t have children, but we want to sell our house someday
        * Little to no lawn maintenance. We have a small yard (characteristic of our 1928 neighborhood). I hate cutting grass.
        * Guest room with its own bathroom
        * An older house that is not some cookie-cutter McMansion that looks just like every other house on the block
        * Big kitchen

        When I was renting, I wanted off-street parking, someone else to cut the grass, a washer and a dryer, and no neighbors. If I have to have neighbors, no upstairs neighbors :)

        1. Victoria, Please*

          You would love my house. :-) It’s ALL that, except we do have a big yard. I promptly ripped out the lawn and replaced it with water-wise stuff, though. And the kitchen isn’t gigantic, although plenty big enough for us.

      4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Yeah that draft thing is pretty critical for the UK. The windows in this country are TERRIBLE right down the line. We are moving in three weeks to a new place (signed the papers this morning) and critical for us was:

        1) Quiet neighborhood, quiet neighbors
        2) At least 2 bedrooms, preferably 3
        3) Must take cats
        4) Outdoor space we can actually use (for grilling)
        5) Two bathrooms
        6) Nowhere near a high street/bars/student types
        7) Decent enough commute to work with enough options (so when one form strikes its still possible to get in on another form)

        We found a two bed/2 ba terrace house with secure outside yard with a shed in probably the quietest neighborhood in London (not even Hampstead is this quiet!), very near the river, walkable to work for me. I couldn’t believe how quiet the place was when we were going through it, and after living on a high street for two years, with crappy windows and stomping neighbors upstairs (thankfully they never took out their trash so while we got some mice, their girlfriends never wanted to stay over, which was a far bigger issue for me!) its a miracle. Still a little small but its just the two of us, and the kitties are moving in May!

        1. Tau*

          I couldn’t believe in what sort of bad shape some of the UK houses, windows particularly, were when I first moved here. I blame it on the climate – it’s mild enough even in most of Scotland that you can get away with badly insulated houses. In most of Germany, you’d have a cold snap and your pipes would freeze. At least that’s my theory of UK-German insulation difference…

          That new flat sounds amazing! I hope it works out for you :) And I totally forgot to mention quiet as one of my own non-negotiables. I spent my first year at uni living right above a major street where all the drunk students would wander past at ungodly hours of the morning… never again. My last flat search, I actually saw a flat that was basically perfect in all other respects (it even had a balcony!) but you could hear the noise from the street in every room. I’d have gone mad within a month, tops. Super happy for you that you managed to find a quiet space in London!

          1. Jessesgirl72*

            You find the same badly insulated windows/houses in California. Which drove me insane, because good insulation is eco-friendly in HOT climates too.

            On average, I’m much warmer inside in the frozen tundra that’s Wisconsin during the winter than I ever was in the much warmer California winters.

    2. Red Reader*

      My primary demands the last time I moved were:
      At least three bedrooms (my household is two couples, each of which includes a massive introvert)
      A space I can use for a home office (I work remotely)
      A large backyard that either was fenced or could be (I have two dogs, one 70 lbs and one 45)
      Either no basement or a fully finished basement, no partially finished (I have lived too many places with leaky unfinished basements)
      And a non-galley-style kitchen.

      I did also have a general location preference, but it was basically just “in the northeast quadrant of the city” so pretty broad.

    3. Dizzy Steinway*

      Proximity to public transport (have chronic illness and can’t drive or cope with long tiring walks), whether pets are allowed, enough electrical points in the bedroom and a bath not just a shower are my dealbreakers.

    4. overeducated*

      Under an hour commute to work, 2 bedrooms, under a max price (below area average). Cost of living is so high here that I just had to jump on the first place I could.

    5. Jessesgirl72*

      Location and space first. And how many flights of stairs do I have to haul groceries.

      Then things like how long does it take to hot water to get to the shower, and are there enough electrical outlets in the places where I need them.

    6. Tris Prior*

      We just found a place that hits most of the points on our wish list and are so excited! Our priorities were:

      – walking distance to the train I have to take for work. No bus/train commutes; that is hell in the winter.
      – walkable neighborhood with basic things like grocery stores nearby, as we don’t have a car.
      – Safe neighborhood. I live in a major city where there is frequent crime regardless of where you go, so my qualifier was “not in disputed gang territory, as our current apartment is, and infrequent murders.”
      -Dishwasher. Not negotiable. We lived for 3 years without one and, never again. We both hate doing dishes.
      -Some type of outdoor space. We got lucky and got a back balcony AND a tiny bit of yard!
      -Sufficient natural light.
      -Not a basement apartment.
      -Not a high-rise.

    7. Chickaletta*

      The other residents would be important to me. I’ve lived in places where the neighbors fight and get into all sorts of shenanigans, and it made everything else about the apartment less important.

      Otherwise, light is important to me, I’ve lived in ground floors that are really dim where you have to have a light on in the middle of a summer day and that got depressing real fast. I hate ground floor apartments overall: not just for the light, but also because I don’t like hearing the upstairs neighbors clomping around or having fun time on their bed–good for them but I don’t want to know about it. Outdoor space is less important because I don’t tend to spend time hanging out on the balcony; the one exception would be if it was a really large enclosed area that people couldn’t see into. Location is always important.

      Get the nicest apartment you can afford.

      1. Anxa*

        Yep. I know neighhbor issues happen across all income levels, but I find that more expensive housing is a lot less raucous.

        Also, I had a neighbor who got drunk a lot and just gave me that stay- away feeling. Eventually there were domestic violence issues and I was a wreck. Called the cops once, said my piece, and I know it’s cowardly, but then I just wanted out. He was my landlords son so I did not want to get too involved (could he end up with access to my apartment). We were in a duplex so there was no way they didn’t know I was the one to call the cops. High rent can’t screen stuff like this out, but just a story about how neighbors can affect everything.

    8. rubyrose*

      1. One level, preferably on first floor or an elevator. I have a disability that needs accommodation.
      2. Washer/dryer hookup.
      3. Great insulation and construction. Really looking for something that will block noise from the neighbors and the street.
      4. Close assigned parking space.
      5. Storage and closet space.
      6. Windows for natural light.
      7. Ability to have a pet, if I want one in the future.

    9. TL -*

      Lots of natural light and nature when I look out the window – the best was when I lived by a pond, the worst was when I lived in a cramped neighborhood with no trees.
      Now I have trees outside every window and I can see grass and a bit of a bog and it’s perfectly fine by me.

    10. KR*

      I need to have a deck/patio/yard/outside space to put my chair and hang out outside. I lived in a third floor walk up for close to 2 years and it was annoying so I probably wouldn’t go with that again (at least in the next couple of years since my dog is old and has bad hips). I also don’t like long commutes (more than 30 minutes for me) so I wouldn’t move anywhere to sign up for a commute.

    11. Candy*

      Location is definitely my first priority. My apartment right now is a 30 minute walk or 15 minute bike ride from work, a block off a main street with restaurants, nightclubs, a grocery store that’s open til 3am, and a 24hour pharmacy, and two blocks from the beach. There’s no apartment nice enough that would make me want to move somewhere further out that would require me having to take a bus to work or buy groceries.

      Quiet is my next priority — but not a quiet neighbourhood, a quiet building. I love the dichotomy I have right now of living in a ‘happening’ neighbourhood but in a building that’s not full of party animals. I’m in my city’s gay village so there’s lots of exciting things happening outside but I can still stumble home to peace and quiet within my own little studio at night.

    12. copy run start*

      1 – Features. I want W/D in unit, a dishwasher and efficient heating and cooling. Time is money and I don’t have time to deal with laundry and dishes or be sweaty/cold all the time. Can I get high-speed internet (I need it for work and snow days.)

      2 – Location. I don’t want to spend an hour a day in traffic. I’m okay with some noise, but I don’t want to be up against a walking trail or a city park again for safety reasons. I also would like to be on the top floor.

      3 – Price. Can I get the same for less? Can I afford this place long term, even if I don’t get a raise every year and rent goes up?

      4 – Pets. Gotta allow my cat and not charge me a ridiculous amount extra each month.

      5 – Bonus features. Covered parking, on-site storage, balcony, gym/pool, is the unit extra spacious or up-to-date? South-facing windows, etc.

    13. Sibley*

      Accepts cats. Location. Layout meets my needs (if I don’t have somewhere to put 2 litterboxes, no go). Price.

    14. Al Lo*

      Must-haves:
      – Not a basement suite
      – Dishwasher
      – 2 bedroom, or bedroom + office
      – 2 closets (in this place, my husband uses the second bedroom/office closet, and the bedroom closet is all mine)
      – Right in the downtown core (which by definition means walking distance to amenities) — this time, that was a #1 priority. For a future move, the neighbourhood may be different, but at the very least, it’s a huge priority to be in the inner-city, walkable neighbourhoods.
      – Includes at least one parking spot
      – Modern styling/flooring/colors/details/bathrooms/floor plan/etc
      – Cat-friendly
      – No galley kitchen

      Pretty close to must-haves, that would have to be a very amazing apartment to give up otherwise (and in this particular move, we got all of these):
      – 9′ ceilings (8′ just seems so claustrophobic!)
      – In-suite laundry
      – Double sink in the kitchen (I can’t stand doing dishes without a rinse sink)
      – Not white walls (thankfully, the trend is moving more toward other neutrals, but I lived in too many white rentals)

      Nice-to-haves (we gave up most of these with this move, but they stay on the list for future moves):
      – Walk-in closets
      – Not on the first floor
      – High rise building
      – Natural gas hookup on the balcony for BBQ (lots of newer buildings here have that, but this one doesn’t)

      I’m sure there are more, but that’s what I can think of off the top of my head

      1. Al Lo*

        And, of course, price was the overarching factor. We could have gotten an apartment with everything on our list for $350 more per month than we’re paying now, but we chose to sacrifice the things on the nice-to-have list for now. The decision in a couple years might be different.

    15. AcademiaNut*

      For me, price and location. Price, for obvious reasons. Location because I don’t have a car – I need good access to transit for work and some decent shopping options, or good walkability.

      For the rest – in my current city the next priorities were noise and a kitchen we could cook in (by local standards, that’s a narrow galley kitchen with two gas burners and a sink, and the fridge, microwave and toaster oven in the main room of the apartment).

      In our current place, we picked out a couple of districts, and looked for stuff in our budget, filtering out anything facing a main street, with more than a three story walkup, or top floors (because of heat and leaking). And illegal rooftop suites.

      Gardens and good insulation are pretty much a lost cause – there are no single family dwellings, only apartments, here, and the weather is rarely sit out in the garden friendly. Balconies are usually enclosed, and for drying clothing.

    16. LadyKelvin*

      #1 big kitchen, all the appliances, good counter and cabinet space.
      #2 washer/dryer
      And #3 location. Easy to get to work (low traffic is important but I’m willing to drive 30 to 40 min).

      Once those are covered then I worry about how walkable it is, where the closest grocery stores are, ect. But we won’t even consider it if it doesn’t meet #1-3,

    17. Gala apple*

      I live in a pretty expensive small city where single living spaces (1 bedrooms or studios) are rare and pricy. Thanks, zoning and UVA! So price is my primary factor. I’d prefer not to live with a roommate- I take up too much room in the kitchen.

      – safety – is it in a decent area? Does the unit have secure locks; windows that aren’t easy to break into, etc?
      – condition of the unit
      – type of property management. My last place and current place have been managed by the owners, and I’ve found it more tedious in terms of getting things fixed than when I lived in a complex with an on-site maintenance staff
      – natural (hopefully direct!) sunlight
      – location – commute time from working and is it walkable to a downtown area, park, etc?
      – in unit washer dryer
      – outdoor space
      – neighbors – I’m sorta over having people live above me.

    18. LAMM*

      We will (hopefully! if all goes well…) be looking soon. So I’m keeping an eye out to see what’s on the market. My non-negotiables are….

      1. 1.5 bathrooms at least. Because of out work schedules, we both typically need to use a bathroom at the same time (but for different reasons, which makes sharing the room not possible).

      2. A decent sized kitchen. Ours right now is super tiny and it makes me hate to cook.

      3. A porch or patio. Back or front. I just want to be able to sit outside if I want to.

    19. Jules the First*

      Non-negotiables: a kitchen I can actually cook in (four burners, an oven, decent cupboard space); in-apartment laundry facilities; big windows; minimal carpet; within a 20 minute walk of subway/train station (busses make me motion-sick).

      After a place meets those requirements, layout is far more important than space…and then storage space.

      My favourite thing about having bought a place in December 2015 is that I never have to move again unless I want to!

  20. Loopy*

    Anyone have a sense of what’s realistic for bridesmaid dress alterations/willing to share their experiences?

    I have one that needs to be hemmed, taken in, and have straps added. I have about 3 weeks between when I can drop it off and when I need it back and I know this is a busy season. One place quoted me 150, another quoted me 80. I thought 80 was a great price but the groom’s mother is urging me to look for even lower. Is that realistic?!

    1. Red Reader*

      You might be able to find lower, depending on your location, but if you’re happy with 80 and can afford it without major hardship, I’d just get it out of the way and be done with it!

      1. C Average*

        This. Make sure the price is firm, though, if that’s important. Sometimes the quote is an estimate and sometimes it’s a firm price. (This is because it can be hard to look at a garment and accurately assess how much work it’s going to be to alter it.)

    2. Chickaletta*

      Depends on your area. 80 is a good price. Mostly, you want someone who’s going to do a good job, especially since you want more than just a hem taken in. Side seams and darts take skill. So make sure you’re factoring more than just the price when deciding who to hire.

    3. Bookworm*

      80 seems reasonable to me and is in alignment with bridesmaid dress alterations I’ve had done in the past. ( This is especially true given the timeframe!)

    4. Loopy*

      Thanks for the advice everyone. I found someone who would do it for 60 but she works out of her home so I feel like if she did a job I was unhappy with I’d have no recourse to escalate it to the manager/business owner to get it fixed.

      I like supporting small business but someone working out of their home feels a little too informal for something I have so little time for and can’t afford t have messed up. I’ll spend the extra 20.

      Also I went back and noticed the quote said “around XX dollars” so I’ll have to get a firmer quote in person.

      1. Reba*

        Just to add, perhaps more confusingly, I had a bridesmaid dress and my wedding dress (antique) handled by seamstresses who worked in their homes. Both did smashing jobs. Good luck!

      2. CheeryO*

        Aw, I understand your thinking, but my mom does alterations out of her home and does fantastic work and is more than willing to accommodate tight deadlines. She has worked in shops off and on throughout her life and is always let down by the quality of their work.

        1. Pommette*

          Yeah. There are great shops out there, and super talented people who work in shops.

          But the bulk of the money shops make comes from routine alterations that don’t take a ton of skills (hems, hems, hems, hems!). Unless a shop is big enough shop to have a team of seamstresses, some less skilled, who do the easier work, and some more skilled, who focus on the difficult work, going independent gives highly skilled seamstresses a chance to make better money and to do more interesting work.

      3. Pommette*

        In my experience, great seamstresses and tailors often work from home. They get business through recommendations. They have basically worked their way up to the point where they can be work independently. People who are just starting off, and people who are decent but not great, often work in shops with a manager. (This could probably location-dependent, and may not be true for you!)

        The worst alterations I had done were in a professional shop. The owner offered to refund my money. It was a nice gesture, but didn’t make up for the fact that the dress was ruined.

        Which isn’t a reassuring story (sorry!). My advice would be:

        – Alterations can make or break a dress. If the work is complicated (e.g. taking a dress in at the bust), they can cost more than the dress itself did; if it’s not (moving a hem up), they can be super cheap.

        – It’s normal for someone to be unable to give you a firm quote until they have done a fitting – they need to see what kinds of alterations are going to be necessary.

        – Can you ask to see examples of their past work?

        (Good luck and congratulations on the upcoming wedding!)

    5. KR*

      I think 80 is a great price for what you’re looking for especially if there’s a lot of layers to the dress. I had to have a 5+ layer dress hemmed and have a heavily beaded bodice taken in and straps altered (junior prom) and it cost $100+ which was fine since we got the dress for free. Three weeks seems like not a lot of time too.

    6. MsChanandlerBong*

      I think $80 is good. David’s Bridal (in my area, not sure about areas with higher CoL) charges $65 just for the hem, so $80 for hem, straps, and taking in seems very reasonable to me.

  21. bibliovore*

    In the Amsterdam airport waiting for the connecting flight to Bologna. I know I am supposed to stay awake to combat the jet lag but I am already fading and it is only 1:00. Tips?

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Might be too late, but walk around! Schiphol is like a small city, with great food, a nice spa (although any spa treatment might induce a nap!), and all other kinds of shops. Just walk around and browse, that should keep you awake. I would actually advise NOT eating, because that always makes me want to sit, and then nap, but maybe that’s just me. :)

    3. C Average*

      Stay online with us and tell us what you’re doing in Bologna. You can stay awake and we can all live vicariously!

        1. Bibliovore*

          Okay, for those who want to live vicariously. I did have a bite to eat. An espresso, smoked salmon m and a smoothie, I hadn’t eaten since leaving home 8 hours before. Walked around the airport until my flight. Arrived at the hotel around 4:30, settled in.

          We took a walk around 7 and found a restaurant on the plaza near the hotel. My roomate had lasagne and I had arugula parmigian salad and a side of prosciutto. After a short walk , some gelato.
          We stayed up until about ten.

          This morning had a terrific breakfast. I am working in the hotel room to catch-up and the roomate is taking a walk.
          I am pacing myself for the big week ahead as I have walking issues. I will adventure out this afternoon.

    4. nep*

      Lots of water. No heavily caffeinated beverages or anything too sugary — that could make you crash. Sometimes a very brief nap can be just the ticket. But as I read on line once: naps can be tricky — you wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world, or you wake up with cotton in your mouth and a headache not knowing what year it is.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Thanks guys . It’s almost ten. Officially that is the witching hour,
        one thing…got lots of advise but can’t figure out if any of the markets are open on Sunday’s .

  22. Legalchef*

    I was diagnosed with Gestational diabetes this week. Anyone have any experience with it? I have to test my blood 4x a day, but it seems like I’ll be able to control it with diet. But, I’m having a hard time with breakfast. I suspect (based on the last few days) that I can’t really have carbs (or if I do, very very little) at breakfast, but I usually eat at work and would have oatmeal or get an egg sandwich (both of which I should be able to eat on paper but don’t seem to be able to handle). I also can’t eat too much cheese or egg because my cholesterol tends to run high. Anyone have any suggestions?

    1. Annie Admin*

      I had it with both my pregnancies and was able to control with diet. I found that if I ate something that on paper should be ok but it ended up spiking my sugar, some walking or light activity brought it down. You really do have to find a balance. If you want something that will spike your sugars you have to be willing to take a walk around the block for 10 minutes or so.

      1. Legalchef*

        Yeah, the problem is that since I eat breakfast at work it’s hard to then take a 10 minute walk. Lunch is usually a salad and my numbers have been great for that.

        1. Annie Admin*

          Are you able to handle a protein breakfast? Maybe some ham with some whole wheat toast? I had to avoid fruit for breakfast because it would spike me.

          1. Legalchef*

            I don’t eat ham, but when I had the ww toast it was with egg whites and still made me spike.

    2. setsuko*

      Would you be up for trying greek yoghurt? It is high in protein and low in carbs/sugar. The reason I suggest it, is that you can add as much, or as little, sweetener (fruit, jam (not sure what you call that in the US), granola, etc.) as your diabetes can handle.

      You have to be careful to get the proper, plain stuff and not “Greek-style yoghurt”, which has more sugar. The key word to look for is ‘strained’. Fage is a good brand if you can get it.

      1. Annie Admin*

        Seconding the Greek yogurt. Choose a low glycemic fruit to go in it. My nutritionist suggested it for me but I have a texture issue and couldn’t get it down.

        1. Jessesgirl72*

          Yeah, I can’t handle greek yogurt either. I can eat it in things (as a high protein substitute for sour cream in stroganoff, for instance) but I can’t eat it as just yogurt.

          Low fat cottage cheese has really high protein per calories ratio, and that I can eat! With low glycemic fruit, or nuts.

    3. Jessesgirl72*

      There is growing evidence, honest to goodness, that eating a diet high in sugars/carbs has more to do with high cholesterol than eating fats. And even the AMA and the FDA, etc have taken the warnings off cartons of eggs, because eating CHOLESTEROL (eggs) has been proven definitively to have zero impact on your blood cholesterol. Everything they told us in the 90’s is pretty much wrong. Eggs are , absolutely, your best bet, period.

      As you’ve seen, certain carbs will spike your blood sugar more than others- and that is different for everyone. For instance, I can eat ice cream (ICE CREAM) and my blood sugar will stay where it is, but a piece of toast will send it through the roof. So as you go along, you’ll notice what makes you spike and what doesn’t.

      The best advice I’ve gotten is to let go of what you think is “proper” breakfast food. You don’t have to eat eggs or cereal, etc just because it’s morning- you can eat a chicken wrap, or any leftovers from dinner. A lot of times, my breakfast is low fat cottage cheese and some nuts.

      The other thing is that I’ve noticed (and there is some research to back it up) that if I eat a carb, even one of my “bad” ones- WITH protein and fat- it will effect my blood sugar less than if I ate it by itself.

    4. Legalchef*

      Thanks all. I’m starting to think my issue on the morning is when I eat more traditional carbs (bread, cereal). The other day I had an egg white sandwich in whole wheat toast and my number was high. Yesterday I had a Greek yogurt w cherries, a hard boiled egg, and a string cheese, and my number was fine. But today I had a different Greek yogurt with about 1/3 c crushed up cereal mixed in and it was high again. So, maybe tomorrow I’ll try yogurt again with some other protein but no other carbs and see what happens.

      1. Legalchef*

        Also, for 2 nights I had an evening snack of a tiny piece of brownie and then my fasting number was high. 1 night I had a low fat ice cream bar and my fasting was good.

        1. buzzbattlecat*

          If you’re really craving a cereal breakfast, have you tried chia seeds? You mix with yoghurt or cream or coconut cream the night before, then you can add sweetener, cinnamon, cocoa, whatever you like. It’s like a yummy pudding and providing you don’t add sugar it should be fine.
          Another no carb favourite is to simply whizz eggs and cream cheese and fry little pancakes.

      2. A. Non*

        You might also have offset any problems in the first breakfast by having the egg and cheese with it. But seriously, eating protein in the morning is likely to be your best bet, and eggs are a good choice. I’m chronically LOW on my cholesterol, and I eat about two eggs a day, every day. It doesn’t make my numbers move anywhere, though I kind of wish it did.

      3. Call me St. Vincent*

        Do you have a GD nurse that can work with you on this? Sounds like you need to eliminate all “bread” type carbs in the morning. What about having hard boiled eggs instead?

    5. Celeste*

      You may be ultra sensitive to wheat in that breakfast sandwich. Eggs and cheese don’t raise blood sugar. You are doing the right thing by checking after foods, though. There is a wealth of information at Blood Sugar 101. The studies really do show that you don’t have to fear eggs and dairy for cholesterol; it really is carbohydrate that works against you for inflammatory lesions. Another thing you can do besides exercise is drink water. That really helps manage your numbers.

      1. Annie Admin*

        Good luck! I know it can be miserable. With my last pregnancy I was diagnosed at my 2 month check up because of high sugar in my urine. I went the entire pregnancy having to monitor everything that I ate.

        1. Legalchef*

          Oh wow! That sucks. Luckily I’m 29 weeks Monday so I don’t have TOO long to do this.

      2. Legalchef*

        That’s what I’m starting to think re the wheat. My nutritionist told me that a lot of women have more problems in the morning, because that’s when estrogen levels are often the highest. I can have wheat at other times – I had a little ravioli with dinner a few nights ago and my test was fine, and then a little leftover with lunch yesterday and it was fine too.

  23. in the UK*

    Is this post up extra early or has daylight savings completely thrown out my time conversions?

    1. caledonia*

      It’s super super early – is a holiday weekend the the US?

      Usually up around 5 pm UK time.

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      Yes, it’s super early and no, it’s not a holiday weekend in the US. April Fool’s Day doesn’t count as a holiday to most, at least.

  24. Cajun Lady*

    After Alison’s suggestion last week the I try the feliway for my cat that just stopped using the litter box after a series of tragic events, I bought some. I also got a calming collar another commenter suggested. I even moved the litter box. She now is mad that we have put a collar on her and decided to poop RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BOX. I am at a loss of what to do. I have had this cat since she was 5 weeks old and never has she behaved this way!

      1. Cajun Lady*

        I did try to take the collar off yesterday as it seemed to not be helping and she is irritated with it but she won’t let me take it off. Belle has always been an independent cat that doesn’t like a lot of affection (unless she does and then she will be in your face demanding it). My husband has been away on business this week and it was a 2 person job getting it on her so it will have to be a 2 person job getting it off. I am also going to try changing the litter itself even though I have been using the same one for years. Maybe she decided she no longer likes this kind? I know she is stressed over all the trauma and I just want my first born (I rescued her from a gas station when I was pregnant with my 15 year old daughter) to be happy! It really stinks that animals can’t just tell you what is wrong (as much as my 8 year old likes to talk for her lol).

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      Ugh. The honest truth is, that once a cat decides not to use a litter box, it can be really hard to get them to use it again. Some cats are just stubborn.

      I don’t remember if I asked or you said- you did make sure that she doesn’t have a UTI, etc, right?

      1. Cajun Lady*

        Yes. The vet checked her out and she was ok physically. He suggested kitty Prozac but he agreed that it would cause more stress getting her to take it. We had a hard time even getting her to the vet.

    3. Celeste*

      Some cats refuse a covered box, and some won’t use a box if it’s not recently cleaned. I had to go the extra mile and get Cat Attract litter. It has solved the problem. It’s more expensive, but I never have to clean up messes now so I’m calling it a win.

    4. Hrovitnir*

      OK, first of all make sure the Feliway is in a good place – a space she likes to spend time in, not by a window. Secondly, Feliway can take up to a month to work, and reactions vary from nothing to magical, with some cats only needing one bottle, others a few, and some needing it indefinitely.

      Also, if you haven’t, make sure any soiled spots are cleaned with something that breaks down the proteins in cat urine and does *not* contain any ammonia. Either cat-specific products or if you don’t mind the smell, diluted vinegar. The area needs to be soaked.

      I tend not to like calming collars and I REALLY don’t recommend anything with essential oils if that’s what it is. They smell incredibly unpleasant to cats, can irritate the skin, and many cats hate collars no matter what’s on them.

      Also, if you are the person who has had a huge amount of changes in your household, it will take time. As mentioned here, it’s harder to break a habit than prevent it, but also cats need routine and space to get away and potentially quite a long time before they feel safe again after major upheavals.

      Fixing issues like inappropriate toileting can be quick if you have a specific stressor like “my litter tray is near a window and other cats come stare at me while I go”, but often it’s an extended process of working with your cat and figuring out how to make them feel safe and secure. It would be good if you could work with someone- there aren’t a lot of cat behaviourists but we (vet) used to have ongoing relationships with clients where we could work with them and try different things to fix the problem. We had great, knowledgeable front staff who would do that, but I don’t know how easy that is to find. Certainly you could call around local vets to see if they could help you.

        1. Rabbit*

          The increased air flow dilutes the pheromones really rapidly. Away from doors is also best for the same reason!

    5. Melody Pond*

      Oh! My cat has been giving me litter box troubles, too! She doesn’t squat to pee AT ALL, and so at least half or more of her urine always gets outside the box! And if the box has been used even once before getting cleaned, she’ll often just pee anywhere on the bathroom floor!

      I was getting really tired of cleaning the bathroom floor multiple times a day. But I found a halfway decent solution! Washable, cloth pee pads! And then I found on Amazon that you can get mattress bed pads designed for human incontinence that are about the same size, but better quality and cheaper!

      I’ll post a link in a reply to this comment, if anyone’s interested.

    6. Cajun Lady*

      I have VICTORY! I bought new unvented litter (we had been using one that had a light scent for years) and this morning there was poop in the box! Granted she peed outside of it but progress!!

  25. Tableau Wizard*

    Any other LDS Primary Music Leaders out there? I’m excited for a weekend off!

    1. Anatexis*

      Not a music leader but I am the secretary in Primary (and have been primary president before). I am incredibly grateful for the weekend off of helping to manage 150+ kids. :).

    2. Turtlewings*

      Just a Primary teacher, but yes, extremely relieved to have a Sunday off! (Probably shouldn’t have taken the calling, to be honest — dreading church to the point of stomachache and fantasizing about moving away is probably not the intended effect.)

    3. Piano Girl*

      I’m not a Primary Music Leader, but a Ward Organist and RS pianist. Yes, I am enjoying my weekend off!!

  26. Reader*

    Spouse took that book out of the library this week. Given that we’re poly, she’s figuring it’s got a 50% chance of being something she’ll want to throw at the wall, but is hoping it falls into the other 50%.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’d say that it’s pretty open minded about open relationships, but ultimately does come down on the side of, uh, “complications will ensue for this particular couple.” I’d be interested to know what she thinks after she reads it!

  27. Vicky Austin*

    I’m going to the big island of Hawaii in December. Right now I am trying to figure out which areas I should stay in. I figure I will spend about half my nights somewhere near Kona, and the other nights between the Hilo and Volcano areas.

    It is a 9 night vacation and mostly I’m into active stuff: hiking, kayaking, biking, etc. And since I’m on an island I also would like to be near the water. Anyway, would love suggestions of towns or areas that would be good.

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      We stayed in Keahu on our honeymoon and it was lovely – there were loads of sea turtles on the beach. Went on a fantastic day trip where we saw the observatories and went stargazing. Sadly the hotel we went to has closed so can’t recommend that.

    3. Anu*

      That was basically our plan when we went to the Big Island. We stayed in Hilo proper at a B&B which was lovely. Drive to the Volcano park. Hiked there. Did a boat ride to the lava flows. The botanical garden was amazing and so was the farmer’s market if you’re into that kind of thing. Did a horse ride in Waipio valley. On the other side splurged and stayed at Mauna Lani Resort in Kohala. Spent most of our time on lounge chairs sipping cocktails and snorkeling at the beach that was right there. Amazing. Did a guided tour up Mauna Kea which was definitely worth it. Tried scuba diving classes but gave up as I hated it. It was probably my favorite vacation ever – the perfect mix of activities and relaxation.

    4. Cher Horowitz*

      The Volcano Lodge is a complete middle-earthy experience! The restaurant looks out onto the crater which looks exactly like Isengard! I loved every minute we spent at the lodge.

    5. AcademiaNut*

      Kona’s definitely the tourist side, and on the dry side of the island – a lot less rain, and better shopping and restaurants. I’ve only stayed in Kona once, for a conference – we were at a big hotel down by the water which was very nice. In Hilo, I usually stay in a condo rented by my employer (we have a lot of business travel to Hilo).

      The saddle road across the centre of island has improved in the past few years, but be careful – it was originally a military road and was not properly banked, and consequently is really easily to have accidents on.

      We went to a beach north of Kona that was very nice – sandy, facing the sunset – and practically deserted, and a tiny little one locals go to in Hilo that had sea turtles.

      The volcano park is cool, as is just stopping by the road and walking on the old lava fields (also very cool for artistic photos). There’s also the trip up to Mauna Kea and the observatories – there’s a visitor centre part way up with night time viewing through small telescopes, and a gift shop. You can drive to that, but need a tour to the summit. You can’t go to the summit within a certain time period after scuba diving (you can get the bends), and shouldn’t go if you have heart problems. Some day I’d like to do the tour, to relax and enjoy the view – any time I’ve been at the summit, I’ve been working frantically.

    6. Clever Name*

      I don’t know if there are any hotels there, but Waimea is adorable. Big Island Brewhaus is a fun place to eat.

    7. Jules the First*

      My sister and I did big island in February 2014 and although it wasn’t a place that was on my bucket list, I’d go back in a heartbeat. Kona and Hilo have the best beaches, but getting waterside in most cases on big island is a challenge, because it’s volcanic and quite steep. While you’re in the Kona area, I highly recommend Adventures in Paradise for their Kealakekua Bay snorkel/kayak trip – it was absolutely fantastic and very reasonably priced for what we got (also local, ethical, and environmentally responsible).

      We stayed the first three days in Kona (if I were doing it again, I’d stay north of the town rather than south, as there’s more interesting stuff to do and better beaches). We spent one night at a brilliant B&B in Honokaa and explored the north coast, then a couple of days in Hilo (so we could do Mauna Kea…frankly, that was all we did in Hilo that was fun), but the absolute highlight of our trip was the three days we spent in the Namakani Paio Cabins in Volcano – they’re owned by the National Parks but managed by Volcano House Hotel. You get a little cabin (sleeps four, but was totally reasonably priced for just two of us) in a campground, complete with bedding, a little picnic table, and communal toilets. No cooking facilities (apart from a campfire grill), but you have full use of the lounge at Volcano House (about a mile down the road) and if the weather is good you can walk across to the crater visitor centre from the campsite. And frankly, picnicking was easy, even in February. There’s a ton of hiking in the area and we wished we had more time there.

      We used Big Island Guru (an amazing blog) almost exclusively to plan our trip – nothing she recommended was anything less than fantastic. And note that if you do a Greenwell Farms tour (just south of Kona) early in your trip, they’ll fill your travel mug for free with local coffee any (and every) day you want to drop by…worth it!

  28. Laura (Needs To Change Her Name)*

    Two weeks ago I sprained my ankle (doing nothing! It feels so silly and disproportionate!) and it’s still not better. If anything the second half of this week it is worse, as I think I started doing too much on it. Any advice other than RICE? Or stories to give me a realistic timeline?

    1. Celeste*

      Six weeks. That’s what every sprain has always cost me in recovery, no matter what I try. Since my last one I’ve heard that fish oil capsules help reduce the inflammation better and faster than NSAIDs, so I am interested in trying it if I get another.

      1. A. Non*

        I’ve broken bones in my feet, and can attest to boosting Omega-3 being helpful. It cut my recovery time on the third break by about two weeks, and that one doesn’t hurt like the others.

      2. Laura (Needs To Change Her Name)*

        Thank you! It’s reassuring to know this is in normal bounds. I’ll try the fish oil! I have some at home, I try to take it regularly but … am not so good at follow rheiigh, hah.

    2. Colette*

      10x point and flex the ankle
      10x move foot side to side
      10x rotate one way
      10x rotate the other way
      Spell the alphabet with your big toe

      Repeat 3-4 times a day.

      (This is what my physiotherapist has me do every time I sprain my ankle, which is happening annoyingly often these days.)

      1. Laura (Needs To Change Her Name)*

        Excellent, thank you! The dr recommended PT exercises but didn’t say anything more specific than that.

    3. Sir Alanna Trebond*

      You might want to see a doctor and make sure nothing is broken/torn. Two weeks is enough time you should have started to see some improvement if it was a simple sprain. That being said, I don’t want to freak you out–you might just have a “higher grade” sprain, like a grade 2 instead of a grade 1. Still, better safe than sorry.

      1. Laura (Needs To Change Her Name)*

        Thanks, that has been confirmed :) I have a history of stupid foot injuries so I got X rayed the next day. No breaks!

    4. Jules the First*

      Once the swelling has subsided, I strongly recommend K-tape (You Tube for tutorials on how to use it) – I was a total sceptic, and then my physio used it and it was fantastic. You get almost all your range of motion while taped, with just enough support that it doesn’t give way underneath you.

      1. Laura (Needs To Change Her Name)*

        Thanks I will check it out! The compression wrap has been great but it sounds like this is less invasive.

  29. Dizzy Steinway*

    I have finally got the spare room sorted. It was my Everest! Husband is taking four huge bags to the charity shop. There’s a few boxes in the wardrobe that still need sorting and some shelves in another room but otherwise I’ve finally got my house (and, it feels, my life) in order. I’m the child of hoarders and it’s taken a very long time to reach a point where I don’t feel embarrassed about the mess my stuff is in (I’ve struggled with depression and became very messy when unwell but it will be easier now I have a manageable amount of stuff which has actual homes where it belongs).

    I was brought up thinking normal tidiness was being overly houseproud and for years have recreated the feeling that I can’t have people over due to mess. I’ve been very gradually improving things (therapist advised not to do it too suddenly) and kept things 75% tidy for ages. Now it’s at 95%.

    I’m proud and yet I don’t feel quite as relieved as I expected. I think because it’s a new way to feel and be and I’m not used to it yet. I’ve had a series of proper clearouts and overcome my own hoarding tendencies e.g. keeping packaging. (My dad used to go through my rubbish and I felt anxious about throwing things out for years.)

    Can anyone relate? And I need to not slip back into my old ways – any tips?

    1. Nicole*

      I relate to keeping packaging. I always think “we need to keep this box in case we want to sell this item in the future or when we move “. As a result we have way too many empty boxes in the garage. The clutter drives me nuts and I think the temporary annoyance of not having the perfectly shaped box in the future will be less stressful than the almost daily stress of seeing them all over the garage so I plan to do some spring cleaning once the weather warms up. I’m also trying to part with the stuff I keep but never use. It’s easier if I sell it, give it away, or donate it vs throw it in the garbage. At least then I feel like it gets a second life. I take photos of it first and add it to Evernote with a description. I think it helps to let go plus then I don’t go crazy wondering what happened to it later. I actually cried after selling my old 3 cd / dual cassette stereo last summer. I had it for over twenty years. It was my first large purchase and I took such good care of it that it looked almost new. It served as my entertainment system through different life changes. Apparently I grew quite attached to it: despite it taking up a decent chunk of space (the speakers were large and could detach) in the garage and not being used in a decade I instantly regretted selling it as I watched the guy who bought it drive off. I feel so silly having such an attachment to an inanimate object and was surprised by my own reaction. It makes me wonder how people can give up pets. But we’re all different. I’m just glad I’m not that attached to most of my stuff!

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        Oh yes, taking photos!

        I do keep packaging for big stuff like my MacBook, but this was, like, everything. I now make myself rip it up so I can’t keep it.

        1. Saturnalia*

          But if the boxes are collapsed, they don’t make nearly as exciting of a maze for the cats. :-)

      3. Elizabeth West*

        Me too, but I’m planning on moving so I did keep packaging for my new tv and home theater system. I’ll probably get rid of the old ones at that time. Usually I only keep the box for a while and when it’s past return time, I pitch it. Except for my bathroom heater -I put that in the box and store it in the summer. Keeps the dust out of it, which I dislike burning when I use it again in cold weather.

    2. Celeste*

      Sometimes when I have a problem I think, if only I could solve this, my life would be perfect. Guess what–it doesn’t work that way. It’s wonderfully worth fixing issues, but it’s never just one thing that is the answer to everything. My advice is to look at what else you might like to work towards. Was the mess preventing you from something else? Friendships ?Entertaining? Travel? A hobby? Maybe those are now the things to look into.

    3. C Average*

      I have a colleague who has a tendency to keep things that seem like they might be useful (paperclips, packaging, stuff like that) way beyond what she’s likely to actually use, and she’s chosen to limit the tendency. For example, at work she keeps paperclips and safety pins in an Altoid tin, and she only lets herself keep as many as will fit. If we wind up with more, she lets me throw them away. (She can’t bring herself to throw away something that might be useful, but she is willing to outsource the task to someone more heartless, like me. Heh. Maybe you need a couple of heartless friends?)

      She says that at home she has decorative bins or boxes for categories of things that she likes to save–for example, she has a small box in which she keeps old greeting cards she thinks are pretty, but she’s only allowed to keep as many as will fit in the box. If she doesn’t do this, she’s explained to me, she will keep them all.

      Would something like this work for you? Having limited-capacity spaces for categories of things you know you tend to want to hang onto beyond what makes sense?

      (Oh, and also, congrats. Take the time to let yourself ease into this new space. It won’t feel entirely comfortable at first. Give it some time.)

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        Thanks! And limited capacity space is a great idea. I already use little glass jars for things like paper clips and push pins – they look nice and keep them away from kitty paws.

      3. KR*

        I love this idea and I’m going to come back for this for the greeting cards and the doodads.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      It might help to look at prices for shipping boxes. I tend to keep them for the first month or two, but I used to keep them for years. I don’t know what I imagined I would use them for, but I realized that I could pay $10-20 to the UPS store for packaging if I really needed it, and I’ve never actually needed it. But even if you look at your history of returning products and you find that you would need that every month, you can decide if saving $10 a month is worth the hassle of keeping the boxes around. If money is really tight, it might be, but otherwise you can think of it as spending $10 a month for keeping your house less cluttered!

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        It’s less for returning them and more because I’ve occasionally had issues with selling things where they’d be worth more with the box. Mainly though it’s not logical at all.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      You can start a list of WHY you want to keep your place better.
      Depression and clutter go hand-in-hand. In some ways I think they feed each other. If you can make that correlation in your mind, perhaps you can encourage yourself that you do not want to go back to the old you. I did this with eating. I was hell-bent that I would not gain the weight back. I remembered how awful I felt and how crappy I thought I looked.

      I mention this because these types of problems are two part problems. The first part is cleaning up the clutter/losing the weight and the second part is maintaining the neatness or the new weight. Clean up requires one type of plan and maintenance requires another type of plan.
      For maintenance I had a few tools I collected up. Sometimes I would give myself little rewards (for me non-food rewards, for your type of setting it would be a reward that was not a dust collector.) Other times I would read and try to learn about my weaknesses that drove the bad eating habits. You could try teaching yourself about what drives clutter problems. And there were times where I would just scare the crap out of myself. “If you want X (Undesirable Thing) to happen then go ahead keep doing Y (Old Bad Habit).” Once in a while we have to yell at ourselves because nothing else is going to work.

      I found that once I started eating healthier I wanted to deal with other parts of my life that could use beefing up. Since that was my Everest, tweaking the other parts of my life was easier in comparison. It could be that you are getting ready to beef up another aspect of your life, that could be your restlessness or dulled sense of satisfaction with what you have done so far. You may have a quiet sense of “I am not done yet. There is more here I can do for myself.” This is okay, actually it’s pretty healthy to feel this way. In general terms this is survival instinct kicking in, you are protecting and growing yourself.

      In short, my suggestion to you is to tell yourself, “Okay. Good job. Don’t stop now. What’s next? Keep going.”

  30. Jessesgirl72*

    Update from last week: Sick dog is stabilized! They kept him all weekend, without any word at all, which was stressful, but that won’t happen again as the Vet made sure we now have his cellphone number. (I appreciate that he didn’t make us transfer the dog to the 24 hour care place, but at least there we can get in contact with someone!) The poor dog’s blood glucose level was not going down even with more units of insulin than would be typical, and they thought he had Cushings Disease on top of the diabetes. He tested negative for that, in the end, and they finally got his glucose levels to come down some, so they let us take him home on Monday. We had to take him back in yesterday so they could monitor him for 6 hours, and now his blood glucose levels are where they should be, even if he’s still on more insulin than would be typical. So we are going to test again in 2 weeks.

    My other dog sulked all weekend and worried and tried to slip out past me to go looking for her brother- and worried again yesterday- but then decided he was too excited about being home and jumping on her and everyone, and immediately “corrected” him. LOL I asked her if she just missed having someone to boss around.

  31. bassclefchick*

    Oh, my – the post is early this week! But I had SO MUCH fun this week I had to share. I took a cooking class! I’ve always wanted to take one, but it was never anything I ever signed up for because of the expense. Well, my sister gave me a gift card for one of the kitchen stores at Christmas specifically so I could sign up for a class.

    I learned how to make souffles!!!!! Always something I’ve wanted to try, but they intimidate me. I see them on MasterChef all the time and I just never thought I could do it. The chef who taught the class was really helpful and there were only 3 of us in the class, so it was much more hands on. We made three kinds: goat cheese and zucchini, lemon with a strawberry sauce, and a chocolate one. They all turned out really well and were very tasty.

    I am a pretty good baker and I love to cook, I just wanted to expand my skills into something I’ve never done. I’m so glad I signed up for this class and I would totally do it again.

    Have you “always” wanted to do something, but never do it because of time or expense? Go do it! It’ll be great!

    3. AstroDeco*

      Youpi your awesome week & learning new skills!!

      Thanks for the encouragement of putting misgivings aside & just doing it. Actually I needed to hear that today!!
      …Tho it won’t be for cooking. I dislike cooking, which is just as well because if I did cook I’d invest too much money & storage for all of the cool gadgets that exist.
      :-D

  32. Dizzy Steinway*

    Sorry to double post but I thought this might be fun. Inspired by Alison’s ‘things I like’ post last week, what are six or seven random things you like?

    I like salted caramel, polar bears, Cirque du Soleil, making my own ice cream, stationery (because clearly you can never have too much of that), anything teal or turquoise, and black cats. Anyone else?

    1. Caledonia*

      I like stars, butterflies, birds, tennis, really good dessert, the way spring smells, my cat and very good well made cocktail.

    2. Stacy*

      I like British television, cherry blossoms, petrichor (both the word & the experience of its definition), Sunday mornings, especially when they involve a stop to see my favorite barista, Coffee Crisp (thanks be to Canada!), daydreams of travel, discovering my magic color (emerald green), and wandering through TJ Maxx/Marshalls/Homegoods to see what treasures I might find.

      1. C Average*

        TJ Maxx / Marshalls / Homegoods / Ross are some of my favorite places to browse aimlessly, too.

      2. Dizzy Steinway*

        That’s a good word.

        My favourite words are scribble, bicyclette and puffling, which is a baby puffin!

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I love the smell of the ocean (but not swimming), Joyva raspberry jelly rings, temps in the 50s (F), the look and sound of the wind in the trees, single malt scotch, crosswords (I have a NYT subscription), and Sudoku.

    4. C Average*

      I love little baby ducks, old pickup trucks, slow-moving trains, and rain . . .

      Oh, wait, that’s an old country song I haven’t heard since childhood, but which is mysteriously STILL lodged in my head.

      I like pineapple, cognac, long meandering walks through the part of town where there are lots of thrift stores, libraries, Rachel Maddow, going to the movies by myself, Tchaikovsky’s piano concerto #1, early mornings, and the way it feels to start a new journal or planner.

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Tom T. Hall! I had to look up that song on you tube and listen to it. I knew which song you meant, but it’s been a long time since I’ve heard it, so the tune wasn’t coming to me. Good memories. :-)

    6. Channel Z*

      Hugs, dancing, music, rainbows, swimming, walking in woods or by sea, a good pint. Thanks for post, I was having a pity party and needed to snap out of it.

    7. beem*

      I like spring and summer, family recipes, snuggles, Persian food, sweets, and black cats. And all cats. :D

      1. C Average*

        What is your favorite Persian food? I’ve had it a few times and found it really delicious. I’d love to try more dishes.

        1. beem*

          Fesenjoon, for sure.

          I also love classic Persian breakfast. Lavash or barbari, paneer, and my grandma’s homemade rose jam.

          And tea, all day long.

    8. Felicia*

      I like libraries, pop tarts, musicals, bunnies, rainbows, anything chocolate and a new love of mine is belly dancing.

    9. Sparkly Librarian*

      I like clean socks, the quilt my aunt made for me, buffets, picking blackberries, alone time, hairbows, snuggly cats, glitter, children’s books, and the Oxford comma.

    10. Confused Publisher*

      I like reading, the smell of freshly washed sheets at bedtime, teddy bears, folk music, feeding people, lists, and chocolate.

    11. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I like:

      swimming, the ocean/moving bodies of water, passenger plane watching (yeah, ive got binoculars and everything), dancing to electronic music, grilled halloumi, playing music, old passenger ships (like the great liners of the 30s)

    12. KR*

      I agree on the black cats as mine is sitting on my stomach. I like my little family (cat, dog, husband), whales, penguins, banana ice cream, vinyl records, motorcycle rides, and dog cuddles.

    13. Lady Julian*

      Just six??

      Okay, in no particular order or importance, here goes. I like
      * peanut butter
      * waking up early & laying in bed watching the sun rise
      * long runs through the woods
      * plain Greek yogurt with granola & fruit
      * good books, especially journalistic nonfiction & fiction with a strong plot/characters
      * petting cats

    15. nep*

      Trees, standing near the ocean, the feel and smell of certain books, learning new words, Sesame Street, watching BBC Question Time and some French news/discussion programmes.

    16. GiantPanda*

      Pandas. Babylon 5. Royal Blue. Mushrooms. Sleeping in / reading in bed. That combination of sunny-cold-windy weather in early spring. Swimming at sunrise.

    17. copy run start*

      Giant snowflakes on a windless night, a sunny morning in bed, my cat, PIZZA/mac and cheese, anything electronics/computer related, chocolate (deserves a separate nod), mountains.

    18. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I like cats, elephants, driving fast, reading outdoors under a tree, doing nothing especially when I should be doing something, listening to audiobooks, the sound of rushing water in a rocky creekbed, having my things where they belong, and writing in my planner/checking things off.

    19. New Bee*

      I like buttercream icing, felt-tip pens, watching other people be happily surprised, the game TwoDots, elevator music, and the Wendy’s drive-thru.

    20. Not So NewReader*

      I like a good tag sale, nose bumps from my dog, singing Silent Night by candlelight, a good massage, running into a friend as I go about my day and the Spring season.

    21. SaraV*

      Bath & Body Works Sweater Weather candle
      Lilacs
      Peanut butter M&Ms
      The first night you can sleep with the window open
      Opening day of baseball (Tomorrow!)
      Naps
      Doctor Who
      Raspberry jelly filled donuts
      Weather warm enough to wear sandals (I hate hunting for matching socks)

    22. Drago cucina*

      Stationary, journals, Alfred Hitchcock movies, dragonflies, peacocks, dark chocolate, Jethro Tull.

    24. Mimmy*

      -Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
      -Medical shows
      -A warm bath or shower
      -A warm, sunny spring day, especially when the grass and flowers are green and in bloom
      -Textbooks
      -Readers Digest

    25. Rabbit*

      I like the anticipation of starting a new book, purring cats (any cats, really), clean sheets, the smell of baking bread, watching small children meet characters at Disneyland, choral music, and the television program Grand Designs.

    26. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Reading other people’s lists of things that they like and finding commonalities and intriguing differences. :-)

    27. The Rat-Catcher*

      1) How I Met Your Mother
      2) Hazelnut cappuccinos in my new Keurig
      3) Thunderstorms
      4) Browsing at Target or Dress Barn on my lunch break
      5) (so far) the new 13 Reasons Why on Netflix
      6) Foaming hand soap
      7) The weather app on my phone that has the background that matches the weather outside

  33. Michael*

    Has anyone else experienced a lot of browser crashes (Chrome for me) on this site caused by the ads lately? Not sure if this is just me or what. I can’t pinpoint specific ads but I suspect it’s the one that hovers at the bottom, because if I close it quickly then things usually don’t crash.

    1. Sugar of lead*

      Invest in some kind of ad-blocker or pop-up blocker. Some antivirus programs do it automatically. I use K9 web protection, which is free and customizable.

    2. Mimmy*

      Report that to Alison – there’s a link right above the comment box on reporting site issues.

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yes, please report it using the form linked above the comment box! (Ideally, let me know what the ad is for that’s causing the problem.) But also, I totally encourage anyone having issues with ads on this site to use an ad blocker without guilt. I’ve solved 98% of the ad problems, but some people are still encountering them (it’s really weird; most people get none but some people get chronic issues) and honestly, I don’t know when/if the other 2% will ever be solved. Maybe never — it’s proved really hard to stamp out entirely. So if you’re in the group still having issues, you have my blessing to use an ad blocker and take care of it!

      1. Mimmy*

        I’ve been wanting to do that because the banner ads at the bottom are starting to annoy me. I just don’t know which are the reputable ad blockers – I’m afraid of inadvertently putting garbage on my machine.

          1. Mallory Janis Ian*

            I use Ad Blocker Plus, too. I don’t mind the inline ads, but the banner ads that pop up at the bottom and pop up when I’m trying to write a comment drove me nuts.

            1. TL -*

              The banner ads don’t bother me but the video ads can play havoc with my browser (I’ve had a couple auto-play audio lately and they’ll send this page into constant reloads, sigh. I reported it, though.)

        3. Perse's Mom*

          I’ve used AdBlock Plus in the past, but a few things were squeaking past it, so I switched to uBlock and Adguard (the latter of which covers my phone as well) and have zero problems with either.

      2. Michael*

        Good to know, thanks! If there’s ever any consistency I’ll let you know via the link.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Even if there’s no consistency, if you tell me about a specific problematic ad, I can get it blocked if there’s enough info to ID it.

    5. AstroDeco*

      Yes with Chrome tho not just with AAM. I’ve gotten Chrome low memory messages & still I’m trying to troubleshoot why.
      It’s driving me bonkers & I’m computer-literate!!

    6. KAZ2Y5*

      I do, but only on my work computer. Every other computer/tablet/phone I use has some type of ad-blocker (sorry Alison, but this site just about does me in). We are not allowed to put anything on our work computers. I think it may be the video that plays up top? I always close the ad at the bottom of the page but if a page has lots of comments it may take me 3-4 trys to get through them (and usually I just give up and read on my phone).

    7. Annie Mouse*

      I’ve had problems on my phone, to the point it was requiring a reboot. I don’t know if it was ad or comment system induced (I did report it via the link though I think). Interestingly, my phone and chrome has just updated and so far seems to be working ok with the website.

  34. Stacy*

    I don’t post very often, but follow along in the comments daily. And when I do post it’s often for something awesome like this:

    I had a wisdom tooth extracted yesterday, that in the words of my oral surgeon “was very icky, so you should be feeling much better soon”. Here’s the deal, not only does recovery suck more because I’m not a teenager anymore, but I also have other health issues that are aggravated by it and then in turn they aggravate the recovery process even more. (I have a connective tissue disorder and autonomic dysfunction, and just to make things extra exciting, I’m allergic to many pain meds). Or as my oral surgeon says, I am “physiologically delicate”.

    So far it’s just been me, pudding that didn’t set because I used almond milk (oops!), applesauce, graham cracker bits, Gatorade, and a sleepy haze of pain and dilaudid. Does anyone have tips or suggestions for anything that might make the next few days a bit easier in me? Even if it’s just food ideas I may have neglected to think about, I’m all ears! I want to get off my pain meds as quickly as possible, because more than 2 days per week (even Tylenol) triggers migraines, and that just sounds like a living hell right now.

    1. Temperance*

      When I had my wisdom teeth out, I ate canned pasta (dinosaurs, to be precise) and potato soup/mashed potatoes.

      I allowed myself to nap as much as I wanted , and watch TV as much as I wanted. Soft clothes only.

      1. Tau*

        I was going to suggest scrambled egg! I had all four wisdom teeth out separately (and then complications for the first three and complications for the complications for the first two) so I spent a lot of time desperately trying to come up with something I could eat, especially since my dentist forbade dairy. Scrambled eggs work really well and are actually nourishing, I was kicking myself so hard for not having come up with them any earlier.

    3. Sugar of lead*

      Ensure and Boost and other liquid nutrition shakes are easy ways to get a meal’s worth of calories without having to chew anything. I keep a couple in the fridge for when I have trouble eating.

    4. Celeste*

      Melty sherbet, pasta in tiny shapes like couscous, orzo, and stars, yogurt (Noosa is amazing), butternut squash soup or tomato soup (readymade in paper boxes), mashed sweet potatoes!

    5. Tris Prior*

      Don’t just eat sugary things! This was my downfall when I had mine out – they tell you to eat pudding, applesauce, ice cream, etc. after. Those all made me feel worse because of the blood sugar crashes. Try pureed soups (if you have a Trader Joe’s near you the black bean soup is good and doesn’t have any bits that can get caught in the hole where your tooth was), mashed sweet potatoes, guacamole, greek yogurt. Stuff with protein and nutrients.

    6. Stacy*

      Ooh, these are all excellent ideas! I knew I could count on AAM readers! I forgot that I picked up sweet potato soup, which I figure I can crumple some crackers into. I also need to keep my salt intake up, which is good for that & scrambled eggs too. I just might need to walk over to the grocery store next door for canned pasta, which will probably be conveniently loaded with sodium already.

      And then I’ll definitely need some sherbet too. Should pair nicely with soft clothes, cozy blankets, and some sort of Netflix marathon!

    7. beem*

      This might seem weird, but if you like PB&J, it is delicious. You can get a little protein if you blend peanut butter into a berry smoothie.

      PB&J smoothie:
      Berries
      Peanut butter
      A little yogurt or Ice cream
      Ice

      Blend it. Delicious.

    8. Turtlewings*

      You may already be doing this, but icing your jaw. Put an ice pack in a scarf and tie it around your head. Looks silly, but feels better!

    9. Red Reader*

      My fiancé had a bunch of teeth extracted recently and has been living on scrambled eggs, cottage cheese, Greek yogurt and puréed pea or potato soup.

      A funny: I made a chickpea based soup last week for the rest of us. He pureed a bowlful of it and wen “aw man!” I asked what, and he goes “it’s like a dip, not a soup!” Shock and amazement, pureeing a bowl of chickpeas gets you something akin to hummus. Who knew. :-P

    10. LadyKelvin*

      I had mine out 3 years ago and thankfully they were fully erupted and a) I needed was local anesthetic. I drank protein shakes but turns out I’m allergic to dairy protein and hydroxy codeine make ‘s me super nauseous so I spent the first two days puking my guts out until I could stomach the pain enough to stop taking the painkillers. But here’s to a quick recovery.

    11. HannahS*

      Smoothies! I used frozen fruit, water, and my hand blender, but if you’re having trouble getting enough calories, then protein power could be added (to be honest, I just had lots of milky, sugary tea). Also, drinking from straws allowed me to “direct” the food away from the stitches. Definitely flush out the sites with the curved syringe as often as they tell you too.

      Oatmeal? I’m not a huge fan, but it’s easy to make one serving in the microwave and will hold you for a few hours.

    12. Aussie academic*

      I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going for, but I had to laugh at your surgeon calling you ‘physiologically delicate’. My doctor once told me that I’m a ‘bit of a lemon, health wise’, after I had a rare allergy to a drug for a rare condition. I don’t necessarily disagree, but don’t especially appreciate being likened to a dodgy automobile!

      Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

      1. Stacy*

        Right? Me too. And then he repeated it to my parents, since they were my chauffeurs. They just nodded their heads and chuckled like “yep, we’ve noticed!”.

    13. MCAS*

      Sounds like you need to be tested for Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS), if you have not already. It is common among people with EDS/connective tissue disorders & dysautonomia. And would explain your allergic reactions to pain meds. Check out the Facebook group “Mast Movement”

      And feel better from the oral surgery!

      1. Stacy*

        Thank you! MCAS was a suggestion in my EDS group as well. And I’m definitely in agreement with that one since yesterday my face was so flushed it was nearly purple, and I started getting hives, which are gone this morning. Better on those fronts today, and never any breathing issues, so definitely will be looking into MCAS more thoroughly!

    14. NoMoreFirstTimeCommenter*

      My food tip for wisdom tooth extractions is, as soon as you can eat anything warm, baby foods! I don’t know if it’s a thing in your home place, but here there are ready made baby meals sold in grocery stores. The ones meant for 6 month old babies are completely soft and require zero chewing, but contain real meal ingredients like meat or fish! Just remember to add salt to make the taste more grown-up-appealing. Baby meals helped me a lot when I had my wisdom teeth out because I soon got fed up with all the sweet stuff and wanted something more like a real meal! In my case the phase where you need soft food didn’t even last that long, I don’t know how much that varies.

  35. Sugar of lead*

    I’m hopefully leaving town on Tuesday for parts unknown, where hopefully I will have better luck that I’ve had here.

    What’s your favorite quote? It can be from a philosopher or an animated cartoon show or anything in between. Mine’s “There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.”

    1. Celeste*

      “Barn’s burned down…now I can see the moon.” It’s from a Japanese philosopher whose name I don’t remember. Safe travels and good luck to you!

      1. nep*

        That’s one of my favourites — I’ve got a card with that on it among papers on my desk.

    2. Channel Z*

      Just about anything from the Princess Bride. “Get used to disappointment.” “Inconceivable!”

    3. Apollo Warbucks*

      The real voyage of discovery is not in seeing new places, but in having new eye.

      Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.

      Not all those who wander are lost.

    5. A. Non*

      “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.”

      I hate needles, but if I ever got a tattoo, this would be it.

    6. Random Citizen*

      Ratatouille- If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead.
      And:
      You must be imaginative, strong-hearted. You must try thugs that may not work, and you must not let anyone define your limits because of where you come from. What I say is true, anyone can cook- but only the fearless can be great.

    7. buffty*

      Eat when hungry
      Sleep when tired
      –random bridge graffiti I saw as a kid

      It helps remind me to do what I need to do. I should do what I feel is right for me, not what anyone else thinks.

    8. SusanPNW*

      “Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are” from an essay by Mary Jean Irion.

    9. beem*

      “I’ve enjoyed about as much of this as I can stand.”

      I don’t know who said it first.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Similarly, “That will do . . . You have delighted us long enough.” — Mr. Bennett to his daughter Mary in Pride and Prejudice

    10. LadyKelvin*

      This is slightly paraphrased but from Frank Herbert”s Dune: “Sad? What are you sad for? We leave people not places.”

    11. Kali*

      “Just because I’m sorry doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it at the time.” Snow Patrol lyrics. Helps me remember the duality of life.

    12. Director of Things*

      I have a Voltaire quote hanging in my office: “Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
      (I especially love it because I actually was a professional singer before taking my corporate entertainment job.)

    13. Garland not Andews*

      From my mom, a philosopher of sorts: Choices have consequences.
      From Princess Bride: “Have fun storming the castle.” (if you have to do it, have fun!)

  36. C Average*

    My sister got a new job! It comes with more prestige and a big raise, and she feels really hopeful about the people she’s going to be working with. It’s been a hell of a year for her–she beat colon cancer–and I am so glad something good is happening for her now.

    She has seven cats, and she is moving from Phoenix to Elon, North Carolina. My dad and I are going to drive across country with her and her seven cats. We plan to do it in three long days, spending the night in Amarillo and Memphis. She’s renting a U-Haul van in which the cats (each individually kenneled, and each mildly medicated) will ride. The cats have historically been OK travelers. They yowl at first, but we figure we’ll have our dad, who’s mostly deaf, drive the catmobile for the bulk of the trip. (He is good with this, too.)

    We have good tunes for the cars and plenty of Rescue Remedy for the cats. Anything else any of you recommend? We’re all experienced road trippers, so we are very much looking forward to this.

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      When we moved from the SF bay area to Milwaukee, our one cat yowled 4 hours straight the first day, but then only for a half hour or so that subsequent days. Neither cat was interested in water or the litter box when offered, so we stopped offering. We drove 8ish hour days.

      LaQuinta doesn’t charge an extra pet fee or have set number limits, and all of their hotels except for one in NYC and one in Nashville accept pets. As a result, we found that they ended up being more affordable than the cheap hotels, for a nicer hotel.

      1. C Average*

        Thanks for the recommendation! I think we’re looking primarily at Airbnb–we’ve done really well with that in the past–but I’ve had good experiences with La Quinta sans pets, so it’s good to know they allow pets, too.

      2. KR*

        I stayed at the LaQuinta in Nashville during my recent cross country trip with a cat who isn’t a good traveller and a dog who loves car rides and slept the whole time. They were great and there’s an Applebee’s near by that does the carside thing which was nice because we wanted to eat with the fur kids in the hotel room. I would get a few of those disposable litter boxes in case one of the cats decides they need to go RIGHT NOW, which happened to us in Abeline Texas at 1am and we didn’t have a disposable box. So we had to run into Walmart and get the cheaper litter box and litter we could find and set it up on top of puppy pads in the back seat. I also recommend putting tarps and/or puppy pads under the carrier in case someone has an accident so it absorbs any mess in the UHaul.

    2. the gold digger*

      In Memphis, if you have time, Sun Studio, the Stax Museum, the Martin Luther King Jr museum (Civil Rights museum?), and, shockingly, Graceland are all very worth a visit. Sun Studio would be the shortest visit if you have to triage.

      Eat at The Cupboard (on Union Ave in Midtown) for a typical (and very good) meat and three meal. I never went to the Rendevous for BBQ because I lived right by the BBQ Shop and Central BBQ and I couldn’t imagine how anything could be better than that.

      1. C Average*

        I am so freaking excited about Memphis! I’m Logisticus Maximus for this trip (that means I’m in charge of planning and get to boss people around), and we are heading out of Amarillo at the crack of dawn to ensure that we have some quality hours left in Memphis. My sister is a vegetarian and my dad is an enthusiastic carnivore–I’m somewhere in the middle–so restaurant selection should be good times.

        I’m making an epic playlist for the trip, and it becomes quite Elvis-heavy as we drive into Memphis. I’m hoping everyone else will be up for the whole Sun Studios and Graceland experience. I’d love to do the civil rights museum, too.

        Thanks for the suggestions!

        1. Jean who wants less physical & mental clutter*

          Ooooh, now it’s my turn to live vicariously. I love the idea of driving across the U.S. because it’s such a big piece of land with so many interesting places to see–but in reality, I get sleepy at the wheel and neither spouse nor child enjoys sitting in the car while watching the view for hours.
          Enjoy, just enjoy. Memphis sounds really interesting.
          Also love the idea of assigning the person hardest of hearing to drive the yowl-mobile. Brilliant.
          Safe travels.

        2. the gold digger*

          I had a vegetarian boyfriend when I lived in Memphis. It is a challenging city for non-meat eaters!

          Central BBQ has a BBQ portabella sandwich, but the whole place is meat infused, so depending on the degree/type of vegetarian, it might not work for you.

          The Cupboard has a great vegetable plate – you select four veg from the menu (mac and cheese counts as a veg because it just does). They don’t use animal fats in their veg. I love their turnip greens, the corn pudding, the Italian spinach, the stewed cabbage, the baked apple – everything. You can eat a non-meat meal there and be very happy.

          And it’s a ton of food. Primo and I had a formula when we ate out in Memphis: What was The Cupboard ratio? That is, if we spent $20 for both of us at The Cupboard, we had enough leftovers for another two meals, so the price/meal ratio, ie, The Cupboard Ratio, was five.

          We went to a very fancy place called Felicia Suzanne’s and, for $90, had no leftovers. The Cupboard Ratio there was 45.

          The lower the Ratio, the better!

        4. SaraV*

          My personal opinion is that Corky’s is better than Central BBQ. I’m only basing this on one trip to Memphis for about four days, and one trip to Corky’s and one trip to Central BBQ. If memory serves me correctly, I want to say that Central’s meat was just a bit tougher.

          I also want to suggest the Soul Fish Cafe. We were visiting because of the Liberty Bowl football game. We wanted to eat somewhere close to the stadium before the game, but not a national chain. When we pulled up, there were two police cars parked there for their lunch break. We figured that was a good sign since they would know where the good food was. And we were right. I think I had the shrimp tacos, and I know the husband had catfish. (There are also salads on the menu for your sister) It was outstanding.

    3. Myrin*

      If I were a cartoonist, I’d draw a picture of your dad riding a massive catmobile with seven yowling cats in it because that thought it somehow beyong hilarious to me!

    4. Saturnalia*

      I just did this with my 3 cats, salt lake city to boston. They were first time travelers and although they had many opinions to express on the drive, they did great!

      I found they had no interest in food or water until the hotel at night, and even then it wasn’t much. I stayed at motel 6 and la quinta, both have cat-proofed rooms and good pet policies. La Quinta was far more comfortable for the humans :-)

      I used puppy pads in their crates in case of accident (no accidents!), disposable litterboxes in the room at night, and feliway travel spray as well as feliway multicat diffuser for the room. It seemed like the diffuser had a more pronounced effect, as all 3 were friendlier than usual to each other for being in small, new places. The travel spray, which is a different pheremone, didn’t seem to make very much difference in the car. What did make a huge difference was taking a few 15-30 minute breaks to eat with the car parked and engine off. After a break they were more calm for hours.

      I bring ice packs, thermal bags, and stay at places with fridges and microwaves so that I can have my favorite (vegan) foods on the road no matter where I stop. But I also love meal planning for stuff like this, so it might be a personal preference.

      Anyway, hopefully some of this is useful. I arrived on Sunday so it’s very fresh in my mind :-)

  37. Laura*

    So I told y’all last week about my presentation on the concept of fan fiction to my social group that I was getting prepresentation gitters for.

    It went well. But I kinda went waist deep in the topic, should have gone kiddie pool deep.

    At any rate, it was a success.

    1. SophieChotek*

      Glad to hear it went well. I think fan fiction is an interesting topic…I would have enjoyed listening/being at your presentation.

    2. Turtlewings*

      Serious fanficcer here, glad to hear it went well! I’m amused wondering exactly what you went “too deep” into. The possibilities are endless…

      1. Laura*

        Not necessarily a fandom but there is about a 2 generation gap between me and the rest of the literary society. Couple that with the fact that I found the stuff 10 years ago and uh never looked back… I don’t know how to dumb it down….

  38. Nicole*

    You know how after someone has had their first child they talk nonstop about babies as if they’re the only person who has ever experienced parenthood before? I’m like that… with my dog. I’m so enamored by her and having a dog that I can’t stop thinking about it or wanting to discuss it (although I stop myself except for on Facebook). I guess because I’m in my forties and never had a dog before there’s this whole new world I’m discovering. I never imagined having a dog would take up so much time yet make me feel so good. I’ve had other pets – fish, mice, hamsters, rats – I even fostered cats, but I’ve never felt they were a family member like I do with my dog. Is this how other people feel about their pets? I just love her so intensely it surprises me. Not that I didn’t love my other pets but this is just different in a way I’m having difficulty articulating.

    P.S. The link in my name goes to her Instagram account.

    1. C Average*

      Awwwww! Poor thing, stuck in that cone. But the pink ribbons . . . !

      I feel the same way about my cat! I would never confess this to most people, but cat ownership is pretty much the only aspect of adulthood that is actually better than I expected it to be. There’s something about coming home to this soft, friendly, kind-faced creature who greets me happily and always wants to hang out with me. My cat is my heart. If she weren’t camera-shy, she’d have an Instagram account, too.

      1. Nicole*

        Awww, I’m sad that she’s camera shy since I’d love to see her. I’ve always loved cats, but can’t have them due to my husband’s asthma.

        There’s definitely nothing like being greeted with excitement! I’ve had a lot of issues throughout life feeling like people don’t want to spend time with me but my dog ALWAYS does (and my husband, of course) so that’s a great feeling.

    3. Anxa*

      I love my cat, but things were just different with my dog. I miss my dog a lot more, whereas I don’t think much about my cat after a few days of separation. It’s like I can break away from his spell more easily when he’s not around.

    4. dear Liza dear liza*

      Yes, oh yes. I remember monopolizing one lunch threesome by quizzing one attendee for every.single.detail about her dog, which was the same breed as mine. We had gotten our puppy and I was obsessed. How much did YOUR puppy weigh at 4 months? How often did you feed him? Tips on crate training? And what about…

      The poor third woman at the lunch. She must’ve been bored senseless.

      The best thing for me was finding an online board for dog lovers. Everyone is similarly interested, and we just talk dogs in excruciating detail. It is also a pretty strong community, with people helping each other IRL.

        1. Nicole*

          Thank you. :)

          Any suggestions on a particular online board for dog lovers? I’ve been reading different sub Reddits for dogs but don’t really comment. I have, however, learned a lot from others’ experiences.

    5. KR*

      I’m the same way. I love talking about my dog and my cat. Their personalities, their health, their habits, the cute things they do. Everything. In detail. In abundance.

      1. Nicole*

        Yes, yes, and yes! Just having her has brought me closer to other people who also have dogs which is really cool. Since I don’t have children of my own and don’t plan on having any, she truly is my only baby.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Having a dog is a unique experience. We think we are teaching them but they end up showing us so much.

      I could go on for hours with dog stories. I try not to embarrass myself too much.

      Dogs are more interactive and they interact in more ways than other pets. They do well (overall) with travel or just running errands- so we can take them through our day sometimes. Their personalities are consistent, they are always pleased to see us and pleased with us, even when we don’t deserve it. They do better with unconditional love than a lot of humans do. A friend of mine says he has learned more about what love looks like from a dog than anywhere else.

      I am on dog number 5 now. Each one has been unique and each one has showed me something I did not see with the previous dogs. Parting with each dog has been very hard, but not to the point where I would give up having dogs.

      Enjoy your new buddy.

      1. Nicole*

        You are so right! There’s nothing else like a dog and I never understood that until she came into my life. I’m the type of person who researches stuff to death before acting and yet when we were asked “are you interested in this puppy?” from the woman we adopted her from we only thought about it for a day (without googling anything) and said yes. I feel like that’s proof she was meant to be with us. I am a very risk-adverse person who doesn’t make snap decisions and this was definitely a snap-decision for the most part. But I don’t regret it one bit. I officially consider myself a dog person now whereas in the past I would have said cat person.

    7. Gracie*

      Don’t feel alone lol. I have 4 dogs and they are my babies. When people at work are breaking out pictures of their kids and telling the latest stories, I’m doing the same with my own babies. Some of my friends are the same way.

      1. Nicole*

        Yes! I trade pics with one of my coworkers and stories of doggie behavior with another. It’s like I’m not part of this awesome global clique of dog people.

    8. Mephyle*

      I was 43 when I got my first dog, so I went through something similar. I had always been a cat person before.

  39. Liane*

    Day 4 of gaming convention I’ve been looking forward to. Having a great time! We ended up fetching Friend from airport on our way into town. Friend and I took a break from games yesterday morning for a short hike to a local game shop. Where else would we go? Gave us a chance to just talk.
    More later or next open thread

  40. Marcela*

    Oh, thanks Alison for posting this earlier!

    Some weeks ago I told you about my husband’s terrible sadnes after he came from a trip to out country. Now I know the reason: there is somebody else. He says he does not know if he wants to stay with me, and since he has always had trouble deciding, I believe that. He said he loved me. If that is the case, I would like to fight for this.

    Not only I desperately need your prayers, thoughts, comments, and to know that I am not alone, I also need to know practical steps I could have forgotten. Immediately I started therapy with a family counselor. I contacted my embassy to ask if they know a family lawyer with experience in US law and my country ‘s laws. I got tested to STDs. I started consolidating our money into one bank account, and asked him to put my cars under my name. I am not sure about asking to go to couples counseling, I mean I thought that we could do that if he decides to stay with me, but then later I saw articles saying that perhaps they could help him to decide.

    Please keep me in your thoughts. I need all I can get.

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. How do you feel and what do you want? Do you want to stay with him? What’s the deal with your home – do you own or rent and whose name is it in?

      Couples counselling should be about helping both of you.

      Please try to take care of yourself. Is there any support network for you where you’re living?

      1. Marcela*

        Dizzy, I feel mostly pain. Perhaps it’s too soon, but all I can grieve about is my life with him. I love him very much and I would like to stay with him. Having said that, I am not a fool and I need to prepare myself.

        I am all alone in here. I mean, I do have friends, but they are our friends, and they have professional relationships with him, and over everything else, I do not want to get swallowed by rage, hate and revenge. However, my friends and family in my country rushed to my rescue via whatsapp and my brother is flying to be with me in two weeks.

        We do not own anything but 3 cars and a bank account. I am on my home lease.

    3. Colette*

      Oh, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

      You mention that he hasn’t decided what he wants. I hope you stop to consider what you want as well, and how long you’re willing to wait for him to make a decision. Couples counselling is a good idea, but if that’s not an option, can you go yourself to talk through how you’re feeling and what you want to do?

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        Yes, this. It’s not just HIS decision.

        Also consider if you want to be with someone who only wants to continue to be with you because he’s afraid to make a decision/change.

        I also wouldn’t be hesitant to not go to couple’s counseling. He actually NEEDS to make a decision. If he makes the decision to leave, well that is probably the best decision, even if it’s not what you want in the moment.

      2. Marcela*

        Well, that is funny, for everybody tells me think what I want as I had forgotten. I mean, I started this path 11 years ago knowing that I wanted to be with him, help him grow and go as far as he could and make him happy. But that never meant I forgot about myself or that I left myself go. I changed careers to make this possible and I love what I do, and I kept learning stuff, I got an excellent professional reputation, I started doing pilates, lost 20 pounds in the last year… I did not abandon myself.

        I am going to individual counseling. I’ll keep doing that no matter what. As about how long i am willing to wait, time will tell me. Right now, it’s as long as my feelings don’t change and he doesn’t have the answer .

        1. Colette*

          My concern is that you may end up putting your life on hold waiting for him to decide what he wants. If he decides what he wants tomorrow, you can move on. But what if it’s next year, in five years, or never? Is it ok if he spends vacation time and money going to see her? If he buys property with her? If they have children? Is that the life you want?

          Obviously, I don’t need an answer – but I hope you’re figuring out what your limits are so that you don’t wake up desperately unhappy one day in 2025.

          1. Marcela*

            Oh, I did not think that question in those terms. But yeah, you are right about limits. Something like having the two of us will not work. Which brings me to a very complicated point, since he is traveling to see her in one or two months. I guess that’s about how far I will go in reality, because I can not see myself, after the trip, listening to the same ‘I don’t know’ and knowing he will go home (where I cannot even consider to go now, in another cruel twist) again and again to see her.

          2. Marcela*

            Colette, I really appreciate your comment. It made me think about things I hadn’t considered before. I want to specially thank you for that. Clarity is scarce now, so I am extra grateful for anything like what you just did.

    4. Myrin*

      Oh no Marcela, I’m so sorry to hear this! Any practical tips I could think of have already been mentioned so I’ll just resort to keeping you in my mind!

    5. Kj*

      Go to Couples counseling if you can. The therapist will either help you find ways to stay together and be happy or help you have a better divorce. And yes, it is possible to have a better divorce. As to the therapist​ possibly helping your husband decide faster, that is a feature not a bug. Once you know what is going on, you are in more control. Your husband is acting badly towards you and a couples therapist will call that out. Good luck. You’ll be in my thoughts.

      1. Newby*

        If he doesn’t want to go to couples counseling yet, you could ask him if he would be willing to go on his own.

        1. Marcela*

          He is currently going to counseling. He started going almost a year ago, to treat his anxiety and it seems he has ADHD. Then, I don’t remember now if it was before or after January, when I believe everything started (but I do not have details because details do not matter to me now), he started going to the same guy again.

          The question for me is do I want to go to couples counseling? Is it worth it? I see this as a path to learn to live alone, or the long process of grieving my life. I’ve had duels before, I know how long they are and how terrible the whole thing is. My life, as C says below, ended last Sunday, irremediably. I will have another one, but the one I knew is forever gone. If I have a future with him, it is absolutely a different thing from what we had until this past January. So I started the long process to survive that grief. Nothing will make this shorter, so I wonder if couples counseling can help me somehow. As I said below, I do not want to press for an answer because I feel this would allow him to escape his full responsibility. And since I DO want a future with him, I really need him to be fully aware of everything he did.

              1. fposte*

                I’m really glad you’re taking care of yourself that way, Marcela, but I know that feeling the feelings sucks no matter what.

                It’s not everybody’s cup of tea, but you might have a look at the Chump Lady website. She’s very good at identifying the patterns people often fall into in this situation and helping people move beyond them.

                1. Marcela*

                  Uf, fposte, I landed in the Chump Lady site and it was horrifying. Granted, perhaps the particular post where I landed was a specially horrific one, but the whole “once a cheater always a cheater”, “leave him because there is no fix”, and general comments left me very disturbed. I do not believe my husband is a bad guy. Statistics are on his side, it’s impossible that given the number of extramarital affairs, all those men are horrible human beings. Besides, if we do not end together, I want to find somebody else to love and share my life with. I cannot do that from an always afraid heart.

                  However, I’ll go again and try to start from the main page or categories. When I went there I landed from a Google search. Perhaps there are less radical posts. Thank you.

                2. Not So NewReader*

                  @ Marcela,

                  I am very impressed with how well you have thought things through and how well you express those thoughts. I tend to think in pictures, not words, so I have a real appreciation for people who can convey what they think in words. This will be a huge asset for you as you go along.

                3. fposte*

                  I definitely was being mild when I said “it’s not everybody’s cup of tea.” If it’s not for you, don’t spend time there, as you’ve got enough on your plate already; I agree that it draws absolutists and I’m not an absolutist by nature either. But I think it performs a useful service in legitimizing the anger of people who have been treated badly and, often enough, have been told that they were obliged to forgive. If that’s not your current path, walk elsewhere, because you need to find the way that’s right for your feet.

                4. Marcela*

                  @Reader, I do not think you will be impressed when I tell you the reason I can react like this is because I always knew this was going to happen. However, I always thought it was going to be the classic and very ordinary “professor in his 50, post doct in her 25”.

                5. Not So NewReader*

                  @Marcela not sure you will see this. I can see where intuition would give you some lead time to collect up your thoughts better. But you still do a good job of expressing yourself in writing.

                  Your intuition/insight/intelligence has brought you this far and so will continue to carry you.

                  I could see my husband was on a slippery slope about two years before he died. (intuition). My aunt wisely said you have time to prepare if you know this is what is going to happen. (intelligence)

                  None of this helped me to avoid the pain/sadness. Just because we have things well thought out does not mean we get to skip the aching heart and the tears. There are some battles that we stay and fight because we want to and because we are fighting the battle as a team on the same side. Fighting a battle alone is all new levels of loneliness. Life shouldn’t be this hard.

                  Let us know how you are doing.

                6. Marcela*

                  I bookmarked this thread, Reader. I’ll be coming here again and again for the advice and the warm wishes. Thank you. Really, thank you.

    7. C Average*

      Oh, gosh. This sounds so hard.

      I know it’s possible to put a broken marriage back together–my own parents reunited after a two-year separation and infidelity on my mom’s part–but it is really hard work, requiring total commitment from both parties. And the process leaves the relationship different than it was before–it’s not like you somehow move back to the previous version of normal. You have to build a new normal, together. You have to want it badly.

      Do YOU want it badly? No is a totally acceptable answer. Take care of you and put you first in this matter. You can choose to extend him love and grace, but it’s not an entitlement on his part. That’s got to be your decision, given wholeheartedly. And if you give it, he owes you deep and enduring gratitude: accept nothing less.

      It sounds like you’re making smart and practical decisions in the meantime, while you’re deciding. Good for you. The practicalities are important at times like this.

      1. Marcela*

        I DO want it badly, C. We had a great relationship. Sounds blind, right? As I am still trying to deny what happened. Right now I am trying to survive, 5 seconds at a time. I only asked him last Sunday. And while I do love him with all my might, the only thing I now for sure is that I do not want to be poisoned from this. I’m just 40, so no matter what happens, I want to be able to love again or keep loving, with the radiant and generous heart I had before last January.

        1. Kj*

          He needs to figure out what he wants. Not figuring it out is CRUEL to you. He may not be meaning to be cruel, but it is- you can’t move on or start on a solution or make firm plans until you know what he wants. He needs to make a choice.

          I hear your pain in your writing and I’m so sorry. I am sure you will find ways to keep loving others. Take care of yourself. Reach out for help when you need it. This is not your fault.

          1. Marcela*

            Everybody, including my spidey sense, tells me not to press for a choice. When I said earlier he can’t decide, that’s true: he has this obsessive perfectionism and he always wants to take the best decision. Even if we talk about the brand of shampoo. He would research and compare, until he feels he can know what is better. This is exactly what’s happening. It IS very selfish and cruel, for I am not a thing and I am suffering immensely.

            However, he IS responsible of all of this. If there was something missing from our marriage, he should have said so. I am not going to carry that responsibility. Therefore, as long as I can wait and I have the strengh to do it, I am going to wait for him to decide. It would be very easy to leave now, and he would not have to choose, he would just go to her and think of me as the mean woman who left him. It would be very easy for me to ask him to leave, and he would go to her and think of me as the mean woman who expelled him from his home. If I do that, he will not be exposed to the full consequences of what he did. He will not understand the price, he will simply stop thinking about all of this. After all, she is the magic now, the fantasy, the beautiful land where you do not have to pay taxes, do laundry, put the dishwasher and see your woman shaving or dyeing her greys. I feel that refusing to accept the blame also means refusing to take charge of the destruction of our relationship. If he wants to leave, he needs to be brave enough to say it. He was brave enough to extend his hand and take something he promised not to.

            1. Kj*

              You write well and I think you have a strong opinion on this, but I am concerned that he can dally forever, which will make your healing harder. Couple’s counseling could speed the process and clear things up. If you are willing to wait, then you can, but if you start feeling the desire to know more of where you are going to have to go and what you have to do, then you should feel empowered to ask for couple’s counseling. You know what is best for you, but I am very concerned for how long it will take him to choose and the impact of that time on your health. I’m glad you are seeing your own therapist; I hope you are consulting with him or her about this.

              1. Marcela*

                I hear you. I am talking to her about this. Because what I am know/think now is what you are reading, but I know my own healing process will change things. A big moment in the future is a trip he will do to her to try clarify things. As I said in a comment earlier to Colette, I am willing to accept that trip, but I hadn’t noticed that I’m considering his return as the deadline for his decision. After her incredible comment, I’m starting to explore my limits. But I definitely hear you and I appreciate every word.

            2. TL -*

              Maybe it would be worth considering taking a break until he goes to visit her? Right now, he’s getting the best of both worlds – the comfort of an established relationship and the excitement of a new one, both of whom seem to be fighting for his affection,with him set up as the prize.
              Go to couple’s counseling with him, but other than that, maybe just remove yourself for the remaining time between now and the visit. Don’t take yourself out of the running, but maybe stop competing? People aren’t prizes.

              Also, the loss of you – either temporarily, to let him think, or permanently – is the price he pays for his behavior. If he doesn’t place value on that, then it won’t really matter who ends the relationship.

              1. Marcela*

                I stopped struggling, TL, under that argument. I mean, I am not competing for his affections since I am barely home. I do not want to leave for reasons I said earlier: he needs to make a decision if I am to have a future with him. But I am kind of pretending I do not want and need anything from him now. I am being careful to look normal, while I abandoned all responsibility at home for everything. I took care of most daily chores. Not anymore. Since I’m not home and I’m not eating here, I do not care if there are no clean dishes. Yesterday he forgot to charge my EV, I took the other car without telling him anything. Today he apologized several times for that and insisted I could have asked for his help to install the charger back (there is a reason for all of this but it is not important to what I am saying). I’ll do whatever I need to do without asking for his help, advice or opinion, as I’ve done all this time. And of course, we are not living together anymore: we are just roommates.

                However, in two weeks I will leave for 10 days. My brother is coming to help me, and I am moving out to an hotel those days. I do not want to leave forever because that would allow him to avoid his responsibility. Once I decide, he will stop struggling and go with her (because obviously I can’t choose the outcome I want: only the ones where I leave or ask him out), happily free of having to deal with being responsible of the destruction of our marriage.

        2. C Average*

          No, it doesn’t sound blind. You married the guy for reasons! Those things don’t just go away because he did what he did. You’re allowed to love him and hate him and be mad at him and want to stay with him all at the same time.

          I’ll tell you a few things I’ve observed about my parents’ situation, which occurred when I was around 12, and its aftermath.

          When they made the decision to stay together, they moved to a new house in a new town, which I think really helped all of us. It felt like a fresh start, and we didn’t have to worry about being surrounded by people who knew my parents’ story. (She had an affair with her best friend’s husband, and although not everyone knew about it, plenty of people did, and the town was small.) The house held no bad memories. We all got to make new ones.

          My parents didn’t do counseling, but I think it probably would have helped them.

          My father made it clear that he wanted to be with my mother and forgave her everything. He has never spoken of the matter. He is demonstrably affectionate with her. He has never made her suffer for what she did. She was quite remorseful and made it clear it would never happen again, and I think he felt she’d suffered enough. (The other guy was, objectively, a real tool, and everyone knew it, and I think my father drew some solace from being so clearly the superior human being in the equation.)

          My mother is devoted to my father to the point of martyrhood. When my sister or I even suggest that she indulges him too much (which she does!) she leaps to his defense. The whole thing is 30+ years in the past, and it still brings her to tears to speak of what she did to him and how grateful she is that he gave her another chance.

          They will celebrate their 40th anniversary this year. Their love is mostly steady and comfortable at this point, but there are absolutely flashes of the radiant and generous.

          I don’t know whether you guys will make it, but if you both want to and you work hard at it and you have your heads and hearts in the right places, you CAN make it. I look at my parents and regard them as proof that anyone can cheat (something that’s made me extra vigilant about boundaries in my friendships with men) and that any couple, if sufficiently determined, can survive an infidelity.

          Sending hugs and strength and wisdom and courage to you.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          “no matter what happens, I want to be able to love again or keep loving, with the radiant and generous heart I had before last January.”

          That right there is one heck of a powerful statement. Very rarely do we see statements this powerful here.
          Hang on to that with everything you have and you will land in a good space. I have no idea where that space would be, but you keep this with you and you are going to be okay here.

          1. Marcela*

            I am trying to keep that always in my mind. I should make that a poster to hung on my wall. Perhaps I should make it a pillow since I like to sew :)

    8. Jean who wants less physical & mental clutter*

      I’m just 40, so no matter what happens, I want to be able to love again or keep loving, with the radiant and generous heart I had before last January.

      The fact that you could express this wish so clearly assures me that you will still be able to give and receive happiness / love / joy after this experience is over, no matter how it is resolved. There will be hard times and cranky times in the middle, but you’re human. Few of us can sustain spiritual or interpersonal graceful 24/7/365. (My inner comic says that G-d created doors because sometimes we need something to SLAM.)

      I’m sorry this is happening to you. Be kind to yourself as well as to others.

    9. neverjaunty*

      Oh, hell. I am so sorry. What a pile of suck. Whatever happens, it sounds like you have the right mindset to get yourself through this

    11. Overeducated*

      I’m so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to protect yourself but I hope you don’t have to, at least not more than you are given how much this must hurt already. No advice, just sympathy and good wishes.

    13. msroboto*

      I hope this works out the way you want. I hope you want him gone. WHY??
      Cheaters cheat. That’s it. They may lose this one but will start with someone else at some point.
      Think of your friends that may have met someone when they were with someone – the cheatee so to speak. Are they still together did the cheater cheat again. You know they did you know it’s true.

      Cut your losses you don’t owe him any chances he blew that when he cheated.

      All the other things in his life ADHD or other anxiety is besides the point. He cheated. It’s over.

      Too cruel? Come back in two years and tell us where all this went. It might not be an overnight awakening but it will be an awakening.

      1. Marcela*

        Hehe, no, your words are not too cruel. I had the cruelest thing said to me last weekend :D

      2. TL -*

        Some people change; some relationships survive infidelity. I don’t know if this one will but people make mistakes.
        Some cheaters always cheat and some are just people who make mistakes.

    15. Anon for this reply*

      I am so sorry. I want to cry for you reading it and for myself as I struggle with relationship decisions, though not over infidelity. Take good care of yourself with your favorite comfort, whether it is a good book and your favorite blanket, ice cream, or a massage. My prayers are with you.

    17. Belle di Vedremo*

      Oh, Marcela, I’m so sorry.

      What you’ve written here is eloquent and deeply grounded. If your focus remains on keeping a generous and radiant heart you will have tough times but you will come through them to peace in your heart. I’m so impressed with what you have done and expressed here.

      A metaphor I’ve found helpful in upending times is that of “wrong note music.” There are composers who put what at first sounds like a wildly wrong, dissonant note into their music. It’s jarring at first, but it’s a transition point that allows the music to continue in a different key and sometimes seemingly a different voice. Sometimes those things that jar us the most are transitions into a new variation or version that makes sense once past that point.

      Practical things, though it sounds like you’ve got a great handle on everything I’ve thought of:
      Money
      Bank: Put some constraints on that bank account, so neither of you can take more than $X without the other’s permission.
      Home lease: can you comfortably manage it without his income? If not, what would be your plan?

      Immigration
      I’m sure you’ve thought of this as you’ve already reached out to find an attorney familiar with the laws in both countries, but I’d ask your embassy staff for advice about your visa status independent of your husband.

      Self care
      Pay attention to what you eat, try to get exercise in most days. If you’re a church goer, the pastor/priest may do pastoral counseling to supplement the counseling you’re already getting. Sometimes churches (and other groups) have people who step forward out of the woodwork and offer solid support during times of crisis, often fading back afterward. It’s their call and their gift to you, different from an ongoing friendship but a lifeline for a time. Find some things to do on your own that get you out and about and with some folks who aren’t already friends of both of you. If you to resolve to stay together it’s easy to add new people into your lives.

      It’s good to hear that your brother is coming to spend time with you.
      I’ll be holding you, and your husband, as you move forward.

      1. Marcela*

        Thank you so much, Belle. I am so very grateful of all of you. I do not know you, and yet you supported me this weekend, you carried this weight for me so I could breathe. I will never forget your kindness, your advice and company. Thank you.

    18. Observer*

      Don’t consolidate your bank accounts – make sure you have your own account where your pay goes, so you don’t have to mess with that issue if he decides to leave.

      1. Marcela*

        We have two bank accounts, under both our names. The problem is that one of them is on the other coast, in a small bank with only offices there, and for reasons too long to explain, I cannot open an online account. So if he were to do anything with that money, there is no way for me to know or do anything. I told him to move his paycheck to our local bank account, for if/when I have to leave, I will take 50% of everything with me.

  41. Mimmy*

    Since yesterday, I have been unable to access Facebook through Safari, which is my usual browser. It works everywhere else though (phone app, Chrome browser). Is it just me, or is there a known issue with Safari at the moment?

    1. SophieChotek*

      I was just on Facebook with safari before coming here and it was fine.
      Maybe the old tricks like clearing browser history, cookies, etc., ensuring its updated, etc. etc.?

  42. Grandma's Baby Shower*

    My friend ask me to pass this question along to a wider audience for more opinions. She’s a teacher and got received an invite for all the teachers to a baby shower. However, it’s not for a pregnant mom; its for the grandmother-to-be.

    It’s the grandma’s first grandbaby and the other teachers wanted to celebrate. My friend was fine with it because she thought it was just a luncheon; she’d bake some cupcakes and enjoy the gathering. But now word is coming around that the host expects everyone to bring gifts for the grandma. The explanation is that Grandma will need supplies for the baby with she’s babysitting for her daughter. And not just a few cheap toys; the host was saying clothes, diapers, even a crib.

    My friend has never heard of this before, and neither have I. Is this a thing that is done: baby showers for grandparents complete with gifts? Seems odd but we’re curious if this is actually a common practice that we’ve just never heard of.

    1. Grandma's Baby Shower*

      And we don’t think the pregnant mom will even be at the baby shower since she’s not part of the school so this is clearly just for the grandmother.

    2. Dizzy Steinway*

      Wow. That’s pretty odd. The parents will have clothes and nappies, anyway. But either way this is just very strange. I’d be giving it a big side-eye!

    5. WellRed*

      Never heard of such a thing and it’s tacky. Also, since this is coworkers throwing and attending this tacky shower, it should be even less expected to buy big gifts (but you know that, this is AAM after all.) If they must do this, children’s books would be nice.

    6. Temperance*

      I’ve heard of grandma showers, but they are usually books and toys. Not actual baby gear.

    7. Piano Girl*

      We did a diaper shower for the IT guy, who was having twin grandkids. It was a fun excuse to get together and eat cupcakes.

    8. Aphrodite*

      Beyond tacky.

      Here’s the reply: “Thanks but I can’t make it.” No excuses, no reasons, just a “no.” Maybe some of the other invitees will follow your lead.

    9. Newby*

      I’ve never heard of a baby shower for a grandparent. Even the ones for parents at work tend to have token gifts (books, onsies, toys) rather than expensive baby supplies.

    10. BBBizAnalyst*

      I would say no. I find a grandparent shower incredibly weird and a bit overstepping.

    11. AstroDeco*

      This is bizarre to me.
      A congratulations on the news & the birth should sufficient.

      Can you ask someone why this is being done?
      “Oh, I’m glad she’ll be a grandmother although I’ve never heard of a grandmother shower! Is this a local custom?”

      Or is it possible the grandmother will help to raise the child & this is being done in that spirit?
      I’ve rarely encountered a grandparent who balks at a grandchild receiving a gift instead of themselves. If for some reason you do participate then diapers for the baby are always a safe choice.

      hmmm… perhaps this is April Fool’s talking, although if your colleagues have a sense of humour then baby diapers with a pack of adult diapers would be hysterical.
      (Definitely it’s the April Fool’s talking!)

    12. Rabbit*

      When my cousin had her first baby my Auntie asked everyone to give her their favorite children’s books for her birthday that year. I thought that was a fantastic way to build up a Grandma’s library – which in our family is a very important thing! That said, I’ve never heard of this Grandma Shower thing before and find it deeply tacky.

      If it were me, I’d decline the invitation with a “Thank you, but I won’t be able to attend” and give the grandmother-to-be a congratulations card when the baby is born.

    13. Clever Name*

      When I was pregnant with my son, some of the ladies at my hometown church threw me a shower when I was visiting. I knew most of them women, but a few were friends of my mom’s that I didn’t know. At least one of them had assumed that it was a “grandma’s” shower and didn’t realize it was for me and that I’d be there. :)

    14. Gilmore67*

      Wow, beyond tacky.

      Although certainly we should not take away from Grandma’s happiness at being a grandma for the first time this is not about her. Grandma should not receive gifts/supplies for when she babysits for her grandchild.

      I seriously do not even know how to express how ridiculous this is.

  43. Jessi*

    A few weeks ago there was a great post about buying a car – but I can’t seem to find it. Could someone link it for me?

    thanks! My sister is considering buying a car

  44. Rebecca*

    I just need to talk this out and get an encouraging word.

    My Dad got bad news from test results this week. He’s 82, a 19 year colon cancer survivor, and in early February started to feel like he didn’t want to eat, not hungry, that type of thing. At first he thought he picked up a stomach bug, but it didn’t go away. Fast forward to March, he had blood work and a CT scan, and the CT scan shows lesions on his pancreas and liver. He has an appointment on Monday at a gastroenterologist to see what the next steps are, and his oncologist has been informed.

    He went from working in his garage restoring an old car for hours every day to sitting in his chair, trying to get enough to eat and just being tired. I can tell he’s depressed, I would be too! My Mom is the epitome of anxiousness anyway, and this has her in a state, to put it mildly. I told Mom we need to see what the doctor’s office says we can do. I’m not spending hours on Google trying to diagnose, guess, whatever, but I did some preliminary searches, and it appears that there are palliative things that can be done, surgery, medications, that type of thing, but again, I’m going to wait to see what the doctor says. Mom is a retired RN, so she is very aware of how serious this is.

    My Mom depends so much on my Dad to carry things like groceries (she is frail and can’t lift much) and to do pretty much everything except pay the bills. Like, she doesn’t even pump gas. I tried to show her how to do it once, and that was a disaster. She didn’t want to touch the gas pump nozzle, she said the smell gave her a headache, she covered her face with her shirt and pretty much complained and pranced around the entire time. And her driving skills aren’t the best. She’s too small to drive my Dad’s truck, and she has needed a new car for years but due to untreated anxiety, she is simply unable to make a decision, she’s stuck with an ancient Buick that’s on its last legs.

    To make things even better, I’m an only child, we live in a rural area with not a lot of volunteer or support systems, and I work full time.

    My short term plan is to find out what exactly is wrong with Dad, good or bad, and find out what he wants to do or what can be done vis a vie treatment, surgery, etc. I can take care of the yard work, carrying things for Mom, helping with chores, etc. Once that’s done, I’m going to contact our local Office of the Aging to see what is available for Mom and Dad. That will be a struggle. My Mom is so hyper picky about everything. The last time I mopped their bathroom floor, I’m pretty sure she did it again when I left. Which leads me to trying to find someone to come in once per month and do cleaning, like bathroom, kitchen, dusting, and a thorough vacuuming, because I think I could keep up with spot cleaning otherwise. The trick will be finding someone reliable, Mom Approved, bonded, etc.

    Thankfully, I have a normal 40 hour/week office job, and I’m home by 4:30 on weekdays. I also have 20 days vacation/PTO, and if I need to, the company is big enough to be required to offer FMLA. If Dad has surgery, I’m planning on asking to work from their house during the first week or so of recovery, like I did when he had his hip replaced. Not sure if they will allow it, but I’m not customer facing, and I drive to an office to log in remotely and deal with people all over North America via email and skype, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

    It helps to type this out. I’ve been crying in the car on the way home from work every day this week, and getting myself together when I go over to my parent’s house. I know my parents are up there in years, and at age 54 I’m very fortunate to have both of them, but I am just not ready for any of this. My Dad’s father died when I was a teenager of colon cancer that had metastasized to his lungs, and that was horrifying, to say the least, and those old memories have resurfaced.

    For now, we need to wait until Monday, and start to focus on what can be done vs what can’t be done. I’m glad Mom and Dad have all the power of attorney, wills, and other documents drawn up, signed, filed, and all of that, so at least that’s one thing we won’t have to worry about. Thanks for listening.

    1. SophieChotek*

      I am so sorry to hear this. This sounds like a really difficult time and though you’re being clear-headed about the situation it still sounds really tough. Virtual hugs — I wish there was some way I could help you.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I’m so sorry. Eventually you may want to contact a social worker with a specialty in gerontology; they can help you figure out what kind of services your mom will need if she’s on her own, and how to get them. If it comes to that, there are people whose job it is to figure out how to help her and arrange for that help. Especially when someone is resistant to help or change, bringing in a professional is often more acceptable than hearing it from a family member.

      I’m glad the paperwork is in order, that can be a whole separate mess.

      1. Rebecca*

        Totally agreed, and that’s why the office of the aging will be important. In my area, they are really the go to resource for finding a social worker, putting people in touch with resources, etc. For reference, my Mom can’t even decide on wallpaper patterns or bathroom fixtures. The upstairs bathroom has been torn up for over 10 years now because she can’t decide what tub to buy. It’s awful.

    4. rubyrose*

      I’m so sorry.

      I think Cosmic Avenger’s suggestions are really on target. In the case of someone who will be resistant to any changes or suggestions, it is harder for them to disregard news from someone outside the family. Not to say that your mother will just willingly go along. She may listen to someone else and then afterwards tell you those suggestions are unacceptable, with the expectation that you are going to step in and do everything.

      To take care of yourself, you may want to consider about how much you do have to give your mother, remembering that it would be every day, every week, and not just for a specified period of time. You will be of no good for her if you take on too much.

      Hugs.

    5. fposte*

      Oh, Rebecca, I’m sorry. I’m in a big rural area and I see a lot of agemates with similar problems–one elderly parent loses capability and it’s tough to figure out how to take care of things. Be sure you take care of yourself; it’s pretty wearing to shore up a second household.

      1. JaneB*

        No advice to add to the above, just virtual hugs & sympathy from an internet stranger pre-worrying about the same scenario…

    8. Tau*

      I am so sorry, Rebecca. My thoughts are with you and your parents. And like others have said – make sure you take care of yourself as well.

    9. AstroDeco*

      Rebecca, I’m so sorry for what you & your parents are going through. As others have said, you have a good grasp on the situation & you’re being pragmatic. That isn’t easy during difficult & emotional times.

      Your post touches me because I’ve been dealing with something similar. What I’ve learned…

      Please gather resources & reach out to outside help as soon as you can. It’s okay if you don’t have answers yet, although you’ll want to begin the processes (paperwork, meetings, etc) as soon as you can. Sometimes things like this take time & you’re going to be busy enough.
      Contact your local Hospice as well. They can be a great resource. The Hospice where I live provides palliative home care for severe long-term illness & help to families. They accept insurance although they will never deny help based on inability to pay.

      As a retired RN, your mum might be extra-distraught because she knows the medical possibilities. Be the voice of reason & remind her that nothing is certain until test results are in. After that, your family can discuss options.
      One step at a time.

      Let your friends know as much of the situation as you’re comfortable with so you have a support system in place for you & your parents.

      In a certain context, your parents are now the children & you might find yourself the authority figure (I don’t mean this as “treat them like children”). They’re scared & might have fuzzy thinking so they will depend on you to help— even if they don’t realise it.
      Be firm with how you say certain things & don’t leave it for debate.
      eg: “Mum, I know you like the cleaning to be done a certain way although I prefer to do it this way.”
      If you do have a house-cleaner come in, they should be glad do know how your mum prefers something cleaned & they’ll accommodate it if they can.

      Most of all, be honest with your own emotions & with what you can & can’t do, Rebecca.

      My thoughts are with you & your family!!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Only child here. I was in my 20s running between hospitals spoon feeding my parents. I thought I was going to die. I can’t see this being better at age 50 plus.

      Delegate, delegate, delegate.
      Start now. “Mom, I can take you to the doctor’s or I can mop your floor. Which one would you like?” Don’t do everything for them. Either bring in other resources or ask them to participate in figuring things out.

      Do they belong to a church? If yes, that is another resource. Be sure to let the church know what is going on. Is there a seniors group in their town? That would be another good place to check.

      Start defining your own limits. For me that was easy, right away I decided that I cannot do lifts. If they need to be picked up, they were way too heavy for me I could not lift them on my own. But I could lend an arm if they just needed to steady themselves. As I went on I laid out other limits. Back in those days my father had a reel mower. I was never going to mow a third of an acre with that machine. And this is how my list of limits fell together for me.

      Right now I am looking at a situation where a friend has managed to extend a relative’s ability to live on their own. The problem is that the relative cannot live on their own and my friend does not have enough resources to help this individual indefinitely in all the different ways the individual needs help. With each thing you take on, say to yourself, “can I do this indefinitely?” IF the answer is no, then now is the time to start pulling in resources for that particular type of assistance.

      I am sorry this is happening to your family. Warm thoughts and wishes for you and yours.

      1. AstroDeco*

        Yes to all of this!!

        Absolutely yes to defining your own limits!!!!!
        These might not remain static & you’ll be adding to the list. It’s easy to feel guilty that you can’t do something & should be able to do something, especially if it’s considered “a little thing.” Those little things add up.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Oh yes, this.

          When my dad was sick and he was stubborn as **** about living on his own and doing things himself, and I wasn’t able to be there all the time because I live 200+ miles away, I had to remind myself that some people have NO family, and there are services in place to help people like that. And the caregivers knew to call me if they had issues, so it wasn’t like he was ALONE when I left him alone, but sometimes I had to remember that it could have been much worse.

          I also reminded myself when I had a service haul off the contents of his apartment that everything could have been destroyed in a fire, and if I had missed any paperwork in the hoard he had accumulated, I could probably pay to get it replaced (bank statements, tax forms, etc.), which in the end would have been a lot easier than mining for important paperwork in the accretions of his apartment.

    11. Rebecca*

      Thank you everyone. I know I can take care of the mowing, car stuff, that type of thing, and some of the housework, but Mom is going to have to give some. Right now, she does laundry in tiny loads, with everything separated. I told her we could just put all the towels, underwear, socks, etc. in together to save time, but she was horrified by this because she considers it unsanitary. That’s gonna change. When she broke her wrist, and couldn’t get downstairs to do the laundry, I washed everything together and no one got sick or died. When it comes down to it, we will just not have the luxury of time to accommodate her wishes.

      There will have to be caretakers, as I cannot quit my job, but based on past experience another relative and her dementia issues, I’m not taking the agency’s word for anything. The contracted agency sent people who were outright dishonest, like saying they were at this person’s house during specific time frames, but they weren’t. It was obvious when we would check on her that no one had been there. One memorable caretaker just didn’t show up, but said she did. It was only after the family members physically watched the house during her shift time, and then reported it to the agency, that they sent someone else. We later learned she was a convicted shoplifter and had spent time in jail for theft. Just recently, this same person stole from my friend’s Aunt by writing checks to herself and cashing them. Now she’s in jail again. Allegedly this agency does background checks.

      For right now, we just need to get all the information, find out what can be done, and move forward. Fretting, worrying about what if’s, and that type of thing isn’t helpful.

      Hopefully tomorrow we will have a lot more information and can start moving forward. I’m going to contact the office of the aging via phone and set up a first appointment, just to try to get ahead of the game.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Wow, that agency should be sued out of business. If the services are that poor in your area, what about a neighbor who could use some extra money? Maybe not their next-door neighbor, since that would make it uncomfortable to manage them, but you might know someone in the area. If the expectations are clear (laundry, cleaning, or just sitting around and fetching things if and when needed), it should be manageable.

        1. Rebecca*

          I know, right? When I figured out who this person was, and this was about 8 years ago now, I was really astonished that someone with a felony record, who spent time in jail for stealing, was in a job where she had access to homes like this! Plus, she lied about being there when she said she was. That’s the most egregious thing, IMO. The fact that she was still working for this same agency, years later, is very telling. Needless to say, this agency will not be the ones providing any services.

          I think your idea of finding a neighbor who could pitch in for extra cash is a good one. I’ll talk to Mom and Dad to see if they know anyone that isn’t working or elderly themselves. That’s another issue. The people who could help, can’t, because they have jobs and families, and people who have time aren’t able, thus the home care aids.

          1. Rabbit*

            It may be worth checking around to see if you could find someone who does that sort of work independently of an agency. The person who spells me in my grandparent’s care is lovely, utterly reliable, and had around 15 references (all of which we checked!) but she only advertises in the church newsletter and a couple of newsletters for senior mobile home parks and apartment complexes. (We were referred to her via one of my Grandmother’s friends and I am deeply and constantly grateful for that.)

            Before L we had gone through an agency and it was *terrible*. I’m 100% sure that reliable agencies and caretakers exist, but the ones we’ve worked with were not great. We had a caretaker show up clearly stoned and reeking of marijuana (she apparently had a prescription, but um, not on), a caretaker who withheld my grandmother’s rescue inhaler because “she was using it too much”, and one who just never showed up.

            Also, my sincere condolences on your situation. Parents aging is incredibly difficult on so many levels – I totally understand the crying in the car moment! I’ve been there myself. I do want to add in to all the excellent advice you’ve been given to make sure that you also keep an eye on your own emotional and physical reserves – it can be super easy to slide into the habit of focusing so hard on the people you’re helping to care for that you can become really drained. Find something that helps you recharge (I take a couple of hours on Sunday while Mom takes Grandma to Mass and lunch to take a bath and watch a few episodes of either Parks and Recreation or Brooklyn 99) and make it a routine you stick with except in cases of emergency.

            Best of good wishes to you and if you’re not opposed I’d like to light a candle for your family?

            1. Rebecca*

              Rabbit, the candle idea is wonderful, thank you, and I’m not opposed. I’m very touched and thankful for that.

              I am going to talk to the lady across the street from me, I know she’s retired from it now, but she was a home visitor person, and she even stayed overnight when needed. I may be able to get a good reference from her.

              My plan to recharge is to continue short hikes in the woods, and to ride my bike on our nearby rails to trails, probably not several times a week in the evenings and twice on weekends, like before, but at least once or twice per week. I’m never gone for long, maybe 6 hours or so on a weekend, so that should be OK. I walk during breaks at work and listen to my audio books, so that’s another way I recharge.

              1. Rabbit*

                <3 Then that's a thing I'll be doing tomorrow morning.

                Those sound like excellent plans for recharging and hey, if you get really lucky your neighbor might be interested in doing a bit of work now and then! If not, I hope she has someone she can refer you to.

      2. Clever Name*

        This makes me so angry to hear these stories. Not all agencies are like this. A dear family friend works as a companion for one, and she is a thoroughly amazing human being. Her clients are lucky to have her.

    12. AstroDeco*

      Yay, assembling resources now!
      I like your pragmatism, this trait will definitely help you.

      If you can arrange it, try to do certain things when your mum is otherwise engaged. Perhaps if she’s sleeping or if a friend can take her out & about.

      Still I’d caution to pace yourself & if you can afford help for cleaning &or lawn maintenance then I’d encourage you to do that. Neither has to be all-or-nothing: perhaps your mum could dust &or you can do laundry, yet the housecleaner can do the kitchen, bathroom & floors. Or you can weed & hire someone to do the mowing. The caveat is to ensure there’s enough work for the hire as some services charge a minimum.

      There are two reasons I caution this: the obvious reason is that you don’t want to burn out. The other reason is more insidious [disclosure that I’m big-time projecting here]: You don’t want to resent your parents because of the situation & that you’re doing so much for them. This is awful & can cause much guilt, because you’re their daughter! How can you resent them when they’ve done so much for you?
      If that ever does occur, just remember that this resentment is from the situation & not your parents.

      to give the POV from the one needs assistance:
      Years ago I was quite ill, my mind was fuzzy & I could barely walk. When I did it was very slow & laborious. My friends would take me to the grocery. To be more precise, the plan would be a friend come fetch my list & the money, however when they arrived I would insist to accompany them. One day, my friend told me my friends banded together & decided they’d only go to the grocery for me if I did not tag along.
      I was quite offended until the reasoning was explained to me: what would take them less than an hour became 3 hours if I accompanied them, also they knew it made me physically worse.

      My amazing friends were doing all they could for me & I was inadvertently making things worse for them!!
      To my fuzzy mind, I never planned to go with them until they arrived for my list. Then I’d feel bad they had to do such an easy task I should be able to do myself so I’d insist on going.

      I’m so grateful my friends told me & that paradigm still helps me today.

      My thoughts are with you & your family!!

  45. Hooligan*

    Anyone have any advice about sticking to a diet while tavelling? I’m working on losing weight, it’s been going pretty well so far, but the next two months are going to be tough. I’ve 3 weeks of back to back work travel, then Easter, then Passover, then a houseguest… and all those things are likely to derail me. Part of the issue is that I don’t control what I eat when I travel, I can only influence the restaurant choice to a certain extent when I eat with colleagues, and not at all when hosting clients. I’m vegetarian, so most of my choices end up being pasta, veggieburger, or garden salad (which doesn’t really fill me up). I can snack on tofurkey in between meetings… but I can only keep that up for so long. I guess I’m looking for both advice and encouragement.

    1. rubyrose*

      I feel this issue. I’m going to need to do about 4 weeks of work travel in the next 2 months.

      Get some protein meal replacement shakes, individual packets, and use them for any meal that you don’t have to have with someone else. Pack a shaker bottle. There are shakes that are dairy free, if that is important to you. Those are normally best (for me) with cold water, so I do need to plan for that (refrigerator in room? purchase chilled water at store?).

      Pack food for the actual travel, instead of purchasing something when in transit. Nuts, protein bars. Those are also good to have for snacks during the day.

      1. Saturnalia*

        Yes to all of this. I bring my own protein so that I can focus on veggies and starches in restaurants. There are some fun shelf-stable options on fakemeats.com that are carry-on friendly, plus the usual bars and powders.

        Signed,
        Vegan who often travels

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      What if you were to change the goal for this period to maintaining your current weight instead of losing more? You could focus on fitness goals and let the food part go a little. Stick to the plan where you can and do your best everywhere else. It’s a good learning experience and would give you a break while dealing with the stresses of travel, holidays and house guests. I also like the idea of healthy snacks to tide you over when your meal choices aren’t the best. Dried chick peas or nuts would be good suitcase-friendly alternatives to tofurkey. Finally, if you can’t control what you eat you can at least control how fast you eat it. Slowing down your eating will help you eat less and enjoy what you’re eating. But also keep in mind that people tend to move more when traveling, so what you’re eating can be somewhat balanced out. Good luck, you can do this!

    3. Channel Z*

      Instant mix shakes are portable and filling and help prevent convenience store snacking. I like Spirutein, it mixes well and isn’t as chalky as some

    1. Random Citizen*

      From my mom when I was all stressed out trying to make college and career decisions and kept getting caught up in how I might regret my voice in a few years. She said, “Random, don’t ever make a decision out of fear. Decisions made out of fear are always the wrong decision.”

    2. Anon for this*

      Something really bad happened to me once and I was justifiably upset. But… I was making myself more upset by focusing on it constantly and talking about it. I was just compounding the pain. Someone told me to “build a bridge and get over it”. And honestly it was the best advice I ever received.

      Not saying this works for everyone in all situations (does any advice?) but in that case it worked for me.

    3. rubyrose*

      Two pieces.
      At age 10: my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had no idea I was supposed to be anything (bad parents, no direction). I told her a secretary (she had me mimeographing at that moment) and she could tell I was making up an answer. Her response: “you can be anything you want to be. What is more important is that you do your best.”

      Age 25, working my first professional job, as a newly minted supervisor. One of my staff had crucial hard to replace skills but never contributed anything extra. She lined up another job but then threw out the option to stay for a higher salary. Management response: no, no counteroffers. If money was all that would keep them, what was going to happen in 6 months when they were accustomed to their new salary?

    4. C Average*

      From an old, beloved boss: “Sometimes, some of the children have to get left behind.”

      It was in the context of a conversation about my efforts to excel in a job where the work far exceeded the capacity of one human being–and it was time for me to mindfully select a couple of unimportant balls and drop them.

      I think about it when I decide the counter is clean enough, the article really does not have to be proofed one more time, the draining relationship with an old acquaintance can die on the vine, the kids will be fine if I don’t chaperone their field trip, etc.

    5. Allypopx*

      When I was in high school I was seriously fighting with a friend and I was beside myself over it. I was sobbing before class with my hoodie pulled over my head and a classmate was trying to console me. My teacher, with no context to what was going on, came over, put his hand on my shoulder and said “this too shall pass.” It really stuck with me. It’s really helped me with depression and anxiety in particular over the years.

      “Fake it til you make it” has also been super helpful, as someone who tends to be a perfectionist and has a hard time starting new things if I think I won’t be good at them. I’m not always great at that one, but when I do it it tends to be the best route.

    6. Channel Z*

      Pay off your credit card every month. My parents taught me this, and i took it to heart. Only on rare occasions do I not pay the full balance, and even then I always pay in full the second month. Now my parents are retired and travelling the world with their savings from wise money management.

    9. Red Reader*

      The time will pass.

      Example: Do I want to spend four years in grad school? The four years will pass either way, so at the end of it I can be 37 WITH a masters or I can be 37 WITHOUT a masters. The time will pass – the question is what do I want to do while it does. So “it’ll take a long time” is usually not a good reason, by itself, to forego something you want to do.

    10. Candy*

      “You should know where your husband is.”

      My sister-in-law said this to me. My husband and I had only been married a few weeks when she’d come over and asked where he was and I blithely responded, “Oh I don’t know! Maybe he forgot to tell me or maybe he told me and I forgot what he said.” When he came back and I told him what happened we kind of laughed about it — because we were in his home country’s very small village and there were only like two possible places he (or anyone) could be if not at home (playing dominoes at the cafe or praying at the mosque) — but then we were both like, yeah actually you SHOULD know where your husband or wife is! Why not? So now it’s kind of a running joke with us texting each other constantly “at work love you” “on bus will be home soon xx” etc etc but it’s still very good advice, I think!

    11. Lady Julian*

      Don’t make decisions going uphill. Saw it in an issue of Runner’s World. It was meant for running (as in, don’t decide to cut your run short just because you’re going up a hill & it’s tough) but it applies more broadly, too.

      You’re a teacher. Teach. I was a graduate student just learning to teach, prone to rely on discussion questions & frustrated when students didn’t pick up what I wanted them to learn. The idea was that if there’s something I really want my students to know, I should just flat-out tell them, instead of trying to coax it out of them with questions.

    13. AstroDeco*

      also:
      Don’t waste time trying to reason with someone who is determined to misunderstand you.

      There are many variations to this, all of which I try to take to heart.

    14. Ktelzbeth*

      In a period of impatience, an older nun told me, “God is in the waiting.” I’m not a lot more patient now, but I console myself by remembering that and the lessons I have taken out of periods of waiting.

    15. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Don’t put options on the table hoping that the other person won’t choose them.

      Learned this from my former boss who is an architect and a university department head. He says that every time he has ever put a “throw-away” option in front of a client, thinking that they would never choose it, they have latched onto it passionately. He also said that he once included a finalist in a tenure-track search that he was iffy about, and he didn’t think the guy would really get hired. Nobody at the school level wanted him, but the provost really liked him and he ended up being the one hired.

    16. LadyKelvin*

      “Your family will always be here when you need them and will always welcome you home.” I was stressing out about move 1000 miles away from the town which my entire extended family live and my mom basically told me to go and live my life. I know I will never live in that area again but it was reassuring to know that they were OK with me leaving. Now I live almost 5000 miles away and have never been happier.

    17. really*

      Not so much what I have received but what I have realized over the years. You almost always have another chance to say yes but never to say no. I have found that most regrets were saying yes when I wasn’t really sure/comfortable with the situation.

    18. HannahS*

      A professor, who was a clinical neuropsychologist, talking about patients who ignore one’s (genuinely) reasonable advice to engage in terrible decision making and self-destruction.

      “You can’t live other people’s lives for them.”

      –which I needed to hear, since I was tearing my hair out over a friend who would. not. stop. brutalizing herself emotionally (not to mention jeopardizing her career) by jumping into love with not-so-good men. And asking for my advice while crying in complete desolation. Then not taking it and putting herself in the same situation several months later.

    19. Jules the First*

      Dad’s First Rule of Wilderness Survival (Be stupid and die) turns out to be applicable to much of life – as long as you stay calm and think things through, you’ll be fine even when things get dodgy. (And, if you’re wondering, Dad distilled it from Arthur Ransome’s “Better drowned than duffers, if not duffers, won’t drown” as he felt the original wasn’t snappy enough)

    20. AlaskaKT*

      If your answer isn’t an ecstatic “F*** YES!” Then it’s a “NO.”

      In other words, if you aren’t sure you want to do something, don’t. This works for everything. Relationships, job opportunities, buying a car. I’m a lot happier since taking this advice to heart.

  47. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

    I am preparing to have sinus surgery in a month or two. But at my visit with the ENT this week, he agreed that my tonsils (and probably adenoids) should go. I’ve always had issues with stones but it’s getting much worse in the last few months. My tonsils are chronically swollen at this point.

    But I’ve been told by the doctor that it really, really sucks to have tonsils out as an adult. Women generally do better than men, so yay for me, but it will still suck. Has anyone had this done and could provide some tips?

    1. Episkey*

      Well, first, I had sinus surgery done a few months ago and it is no picnic either. I broke my shoulder a couple years ago, and in some ways, the sinus surgery was worse. I don’t mean to scare you, but DO NOT BELIEVE your ENT if he tells you that it is a pretty simple 1-week recovery period. Mine made it seem like no big deal, and it was anything but. You will NEED someone at home with you at least the day of surgery (in my case, my husband was with me) and in all honestly, it is helpful to have someone there for the next day or 2 also. My mom came and stayed with me.

      My ENT told me beforehand I “might have some bloody discharge” from my nose after surgery. The day of the surgery, he went to talk to my husband while I was in recovery and only then disclosed that I/we could expect to have so much bleeding that the gauze under my nose would need to be changed every 15-20 minutes. We ended up cutting up maxi pads and taping them with the gauze under my nose. TAKE YOUR PAIN MEDS. If you cannot tolerate pain meds, I wouldn’t have this surgery. Full stop.

      If you have a deviated septum and need the splints up your nose for a week, that is miserable as well. You need to plan for at least 2 weeks off work. If you can’t get that, I wouldn’t have this surgery. Full stop.

      As for tonsils, I had mine out when I was 12 and that was a nightmare as well. But my husband had his taken out in his early-mid 20s and did much better. You will need 2 weeks off of work for that as well. And you will need to be able to tolerate pain meds too. You won’t be able to eat much after the surgery, but my husband basically sat at home for 2 weeks, took Vicodin, and played video games, and he was OK.

      I had a bad experience because my tonsils were so rotten and enlarged that the areas where they removed — they had to cut very deep into them and they scabbed over massively and then my throat started bleeding a few days after surgery so I ended up back in the hospital. I also had complications with anesthesia — but this was over 20 years ago and anesthesia + the medicine they have now to help with nausea has come a long way.

      If you have ever had issues with anesthesia in the past, be sure to tell your doctor. They were able to give me a 3-day anti-emetic pill before my sinus surgery and I didn’t get sick at all.

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Wasn’t there a whole thread on this a few weeks back? Try checking the archives if you don’t get a lot of responses.

    3. Newby*

      Tonsil surgery does suck, but when they are chronically swollen, it can be worth it. I was pretty miserable for a week after the surgery, but I could breath through my nose for the first time in years! I also stopped getting strep throat. Stock up on popsicles and pureed food. I found one of the best things to do was suck on popsicles and ice cubes. Food that had ANY solidity to it was too painful to eat. I was eating pureed bananas for a while (if you slice and freeze the bananas, you can make banana whip by putting the slices in a food processor). Baked beans and apple sauce were also go to foods.

    4. Chaordic One*

      I had the sinus surgery, too. I had a deviated septum corrected and turbinator reduction surgery. I have somewhat enlarged tonsils and adenoids and when I asked my doctor about them, he told me that unless you have a history of tonsilitis and chronic throat infections, they no longer routinely remove those because there is slightly increased risk of complications from their removal. He said that since I didn’t have a history of tonsilitis and throat infections he wouldn’t remove mine.

      It was outpatient surgery at my local hospital. Just like Episkey, I had an awful lot of bloody discharge later in the day after the surgery. I panicked and called the doctor’s office. The doctor was still in surgery with other patients, but his PA advised me to come to the office (I was in no shape to drive and was driven there by family members) and when I got there they changed the cotton padding several times until the bleeding slowed and they showed me how to change the bandaging myself for when I got home. (They got out the hypoallergenic therapy dog for me.)

      They also recommended that I use a Neil-Med sinus rinse kit. I would heat distilled water in my microwave for 30 seconds and then mixed the warm water with the Neil-Med saline solution in the special Neil-Med squirt bottle. Then you squirt the salty water up your nose and it washes out the snot and the dried blood and scabs. (It’s strangely relieving and soothing.) Always use distilled water. There have been a handful of people who have contracted infections resulting in death from using contaminated tap water.

      The pain killers helped a lot and I took all of them. I also had a bad experience with the anesthesia. For some reason, all of my muscles tensed up and were stiff and achey after the surgery. My legs were so stiff that I walked like a penguin, but over the next week that went away. The splints came out of my nose after a week, but it really took another 2 weeks before I could go back to work and maybe 6 weeks before I felt like myself again.

      Two months after the surgery I could breathe through my nose without using nose-drops for the first time in twenty years or so. I can now sleep through the night without waking myself by my snoring and when I do wake up in the morning I feel rested. The surgery wasn’t a complete success and the results are not quite as good as I had hoped for. But still, it was very much worth it and I would say that I am 90% better than I was beforehand and I would certainly recommend it. (I had expected 100% improvement, but 90% is pretty good, really.) In retrospect, I wish I had done it years earlier.

  48. SophieChotek*

    Saving a Yahoo Email without getting new mail? Essentially what I want to do is make it so I can’t get any email to this specific address, but could keep all the emails…

    I have had the same Yahoo Email Account forever. And it gets tons of spam (which, to be fair, usually goes into the spam folder) and lots of other things (newsletters, advertisements, etc.). [And to be fair when I first was new to internet and didn’t know as much about spam, this address was published on some academic sites/conference forums, but anyone can find the darn thing, which is part of the reason I am sure I get random spam. Today, I’d set up a separate account just for those academic conference administration things, but lesson learned.]

    I’d love to set up a new account (gmail, a different yahoo, whatever) to try to cut down on spam, but I really don’t like the idea of losing all those emails that I’ve stored and filed into folders in Yahoo, which I assume is what would happen if I tried to “close” the account. While to be honest the actual likelihood of needing them again isn’t super-super high, there have been the random occasions when I have gone back to look for one. I don’t have any of these emailed downloaded to the computer (via Outlook or anything else) and I don’t want to download like 15 years with of emails unless they would also download as already sorted into folders.

    Any ideas?

    1. Random Citizen*

      Could you just get a new email and leave this one how it is? Since you’re not checking it regularly, you wouldn’t have to deal with the spam, and could just use the search function when you need to login to find and old email, so it wouldn’t really matter how much spam there was in top of it. Just make sure to log in occasionally so that it doesn’t turn inactive and be auto-deleted by yahoo as an inactive account.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      You could use an email program (is Thunderbird still a thing?) to access your Yahoo mail via IMAP and it would preserve all your folders. But why would you “close” that account, if Yahoo will even do that? Just start using your new account, and forward email from the old one to the new one, and use the old one as your online archive. I haven’t used my Yahoo mail in about 10 years, but I still keep it, just in case I ever want to use it. I only log in a handful of times a year, sometimes less.

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        You should always close old accounts- email, social media, etc. Not doing so leaves them open to hackers, who take over and cause havoc without you knowing. If Aunt Sally gets an email from your hacked account, she won’t know it’s hacked.

        There is also normally personal information associated with old accounts.

        That said, I’m also not sure Yahoo closes accounts.

        1. SophieChotek*

          Interesting…if yahoo won’t actually close an account, than this whole discussions for naught anyway…

    3. rubyrose*

      Cosmic Avenger is on the right track with IMAP.
      I had a Yahoo account for many years and decided last fall to get rid of it entirely, because of the security breaches and I needed to do some massive password resets. In a nutshell, this is what I did:
      1. Decide what you want to go to (gmail, Outlook, whatever). I went with Outlook because I could set up a primary account (which I never give out) and then under that other email addresses, for specific audiences, which I do give out (think financial, friends and family, career, and a general one for whatever). All emails go to the primary account, but you can set up folders for the different addresses and set up rules to automatically get incoming email to the correct folder.
      2. On your new account, search for an option that will let you link the new one to your Yahoo account, via IMAP. When you have this set up, you will be able to see both accounts with all of your current folders.
      3. Copy your Yahoo folders to your new account. You will be able to keep your existing folder structure by doing this.
      4. Disconnect the IMAP connection to Yahoo.
      5. When ready, cancel the Yahoo account.

      1. SophieChotek*

        Thank you this is very helpful. It sounds like I need to look into Outlook (hmm does it work on a Mac? Do I need to buy software?) Or do something else similar. Much appreciated.

        1. rubyrose*

          I don’t know about the Mac, but when I’m on my Dell laptop I’m using their web browser. On my Android tablet and phone I’m using their app. Have not had to pay for anything!

          The real headache has been getting all of my existing accounts everywhere transferred to my new email addresses! Some sites will let you change your email with little fuss. Others will not let you change your email on your own; you will need to contact them. Sometimes the change is immediate, sometimes will take a week or longer. I have had to contact some companies because their site says I have made the change but they keep sending emails to Yahoo. Set up a spreadsheet to keep track of what you have/have not done and what your new email/password/userid is for each site. Use this opportunity to assign unique passwords to all accounts. It has taken about 3 months for me to get all of this complete; turns out I had to change my email at 170 different places. When I started this process I thought it was around 65. For some sites you will discover it is easier to just open a new account from scratch.

          1. SophieChotek*

            Thank you for your help. I know it’s going to take a while to change all the pertinent accounts, etc. Some I won’t care if I loose, but yeah…I know that is going to be a pain.

    4. Perse's Mom*

      When I switched from Hotmail to Gmail, Gmail let me just import everything I had saved from my Hotmail account.

      1. SophieChotek*

        Thanks; good to know. I wonder if Gmail would let me import from Yahoo. I will have to check.

      1. Amadeo*

        They’re only a couple of weeks old, so they’re not ready to be used yet. They need to go at least four more weeks, preferably 6 more.

    2. beem*

      I know nothing about making soap, so this may seem weird to you, but . . .

      that first picture looks delicious.
      Like frosting? Custard?

      1. Amadeo*

        Funnily enough? I have heard plenty of stories from other soapers who have had family members and friends pick up a bar of soap (from a shaped mold or a loaf mold like you see in my pictures) and take a bite out of it because they thought it was food at first.
        So, you’re not the only one!

  50. LawCat*

    I watched a documentary this week on Netflix called “Vikings Unearthed,” which was about Viking expansion and efforts to find Viking settlements in North America. The most fascinating thing was how archaeologists were using satellites and infrared to identify potential dig sites. Foundations of buildings under the ground and under plants cause the vegetation to grow differently, in ways that are not detectable to the naked human eye, but are detectable with the use of infrared. This is called “space archaeology” (!) and I became fascinated by it.

    I did some googling and found out the the space archaeologist from the documentary created a crowdsource platform to identify sites of historical interest that may be subject to looting and encroachment.

    * Article: http://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2016/02/17/467104127/space-archaeologist-wants-your-help-to-find-ancient-sites

    * Project platform: https://www.globalxplorer.org/faq

    I’m going to become an armchair space archaeologist!!

    1. Ms Ida*

      We saw that too….so interesting. I would be interested in hearing how the arm chair space archaeology goes.

  51. inkstainedpages*

    Anyone else completely addicted to the Best Fiends game since Alison posted about it recently? What level are you on?

    2. Random Citizen*

      Agh yes! I’m on level 51, but have sunk quite a bit of time into trying to beat the special challenge adventures. I love it!

    5. Clueless Non Gamer*

      I’ve been playing it but now I’m stuck and can’t figure out what to do next. Are there instructions somewhere? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with the fiends. (All this is probably obvious to anyone who plays games but other than Words with Friends, I’ve never played any kind of online or video game…well since Space Invaders so I think about 40 years. Any clues for the clueless here?)

      1. CAA*

        There aren’t any instructions other than the brief demonstrations that pop-up during the game (you know that animated hand that shows you how to connect three of the same items during the first level, it comes back later on) and the hints that appear as you start or finish a level. Read all the text on every screen and you should soon get the hang of it.

        At first you don’t do anything with the fiends. Each one matches one of the colors of the items on the board. When you make a chain of items and then lift your finger off the screen, the fiend whose color matches the items will throw them at the slug. Get the fiends to throw enough items at the slug and it will die. As you play, you collect keys which open boxes after each successful round. Open boxes and get the treasures, then use the treasures to upgrade the fiends so they will throw items harder and kill bigger slugs faster.

    7. Belle di Vedremo*

      It’s fun! I’m on level 77. First such game that I’ve kept going back to.

      I have not been able to complete the side adventures, so kudos to those who have.

      NonGamer: Using fiends – on the main game, as you start each one, there are two horizontal “buttons,” one for upgrading fiends and the other for changing them. Winning games and spinning the “fiend of fortune” wheel give you tokens to use to upgrade your fiends. Change fiends for the game according to their “special power.” Eg, some bombs explode horizontally and some vertically, others are “area” bombs in all directions. What are the parameters of the game? Use that info to choose which fiends to select. You can’t change fiends midway, but you will have the option to repeat games you don’t complete and can change fiends when you restart. Upgrading fiends becomes more relevant as you progress, as a greater variety of “special powers” are increasingly useful.

  52. Business Business Business Numbers*

    Any recommendations for places that make t-shirt quilts? Preferably in the DC/MD/VA area but online or in New England area would also work. I’m trying to declutter and I keep finding shirts that I know I will never wear again but also would like to keep. I can hand sew but still haven’t sorted out the sewing machine so I’m thinking that I’m probably not going to learn to quilt any time soon but if there are quilters with suggestions, I would welcome them as well. Thanks!

    1. Lizabeth*

      Capital Quilts in Gaithersburg, MD just off 270/Shady Grove Road has great classes and can probably recommend some one.

    2. LisaLee*

      I would contact your local speciality quilting or sewing store and see if they can recommend someone to do it. I have friends who are serious quilters and I gather that there are very few established businesses that do this service because the money isn’t there, but lots of hobby quilters will do it for some extra cash. Keep in mind that we’re talking hours of work here, so it might be more expensive than you expect.

      1. Clever Girl*

        Campus Quilts. I had one made for my son out of his school, sports, and concert t-shirts. It was pricey, but the process was pretty simple. He loves it!

    3. CheeryO*

      If you do get a machine, you could always assemble it yourself and send it out to have the quilt stitching done (not sure of the exact term – my mom is a seamstress, but I am barely capable of sewing straight lines). It would be much less expensive than having the whole thing done by someone else. I made one a few years ago and still haven’t had it quilted because I’m lazy and I like it how it is. We just did a heavy flannel sheet for the backing and some light batting inside with a few stitches at the corner where each t-shirt meets the others to keep it in place. It was all super easy.

  53. Google has failed me*

    I’m sure the answer is out there, but I cannot find it. I am trying to figure out if there is a % of income cap on 401k contributions. I know the max amount for the year, but, for example, if I earn only 18k in income, can I contribute 100% of that to my 401k? All I can find when googling is income limits for IRA deductability, and the annual employee contribution max [18k].

    Also, if I only made 17k, could I still contribute 18k? I think the answer to this one is no because of how the plan is funded (with pretax income).

    1. fposte*

      Not from the IRS. What you are looking to avoid from the IRS side is insufficient withholding, which you’ll get penalized for later. Whether failing to withhold on the $18k is insufficient or not depends on a lot of other factors.

      However, your employer might have a percentage max or other limitations, even if you’re in a situation where the IRS wouldn’t care. So check out your employer’s rules on paycheck deductions.

      (And no, you can’t put more than you earn in a 401k for the year.)

      1. fposte*

        I probably should have mentioned Social Security/FICA/pension in there; you can’t get out of paying mandatory contributions to those by diverting to a 401k.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Yes, your 401(k) or IRA contributions must come from earned income, a fact I learned while looking into putting a small amount into a Roth IRA for my daughter at birth, to demonstrate the power of compound interest. Also, most plans I’ve seen cap the contribution percentage at 60%, but I don’t know if that’s a regulation or a plan limitation.

      1. fposte*

        Ours theoretically caps contributions at 80%, which I’ve seen in other places, but I was able to go beyond that when it was clear I covered deductions with what was left.

        401k contributions must come from payroll, so you can’t even accidentally contribute if you don’t have earned income. There’s no writing a check to your 401k/403b. As you found out, an IRA is easier to try to do, but you still have to have earned income (which can include alimony, fellowships, etc., not just jobs) and you can’t contribute beyond the amount earned, so if you only earn $2k you can only contribute $2k. But if you wait a few years and your daughter goes into babysitting or selling lemonade, she can get an IRA based on those. So hustle the young lady off into the workforce pronto :-).

        1. the gold digger*

          Wouldn’t you have to prove the income, though? I mean, can you fund an IRA without some kind of 1099 or W-2?

          Because if you can do it without those forms, that would be great!

          1. fposte*

            It’s recommended that you keep good records (like, in case of audit good), but nope, not required. The custodian/guardian IRA is a sweet thing, and since most kids will be in the 0% bracket, you get great compounding over the decades with no tax bite.

  54. Collie*

    Any good podcasts out there? I currently listen to All the Books and the Book Riot Podcast pretty regularly, but I have also enjoyed Serial, You Must Remember This, Dear Book Nerd, and Truth & Justice. I’ve listened to a bit of Reveal, which I’ve enjoyed so far, too.

    1. the gold digger*

      I liked the one episode I have listened to from The Dollop. It’s a history podcast – I heard the Huey Long episode and kept listening even after I was done running because it was that interesting.

      I like the “This American Life” podcasts, but you can only download the current episode. (You can listen to the archives online, but I like to put stuff on my mp3 player so I can be distracted from exercising, which I hate. Exercising, I mean. I hate exercising.)

      Freakanomics is also good.

      1. Southern Ladybug*

        This American Life has an app with access to all of their episodes. I usually don’t pay for apps, but this was worth it to have all of them available on my phone.

    2. Bookworm*

      I’m fond of Planet Money, Science VS, Stuff You Missed in History Class (particularly their huge selection of archives), Dear Sugar, and Intelligence Squared.

      Of course, This American Life is a classic.

    4. hermit crab*

      I am not really a podcast person, but last summer we went on a road trip and listened to a LOT of the Freakonomics podcast. I liked it a lot! We also recently went to a live taping of Tell Me Something I Don’t Know, which is a sort of game show-y offshoot of the main Freakonomics one, and it was really good too. Apparently the episode is coming up soon (it’ll be about politics, with Major Garrett/Robby Mook/Alexandra Petri) so if you listen to that one you might hear me clapping. :)

      My husband adores the Comedy Bang Bang podcast and will walk around the house laughing riotously to himself while listening to it on headphones, but I can’t stand it at all.

    5. Allypopx*

      If you like story podcasts I like Welcome to Night Vale, Alice Isn’t Dead, The Bright Sessions, S-Town

      If you like news podcasts Rachel Maddow podcasts her whole show, NPR has Fresh Air, NPR Politics, 1 A, BBC Documentary

      If you like crime podcasts I like Criminal, Casefile, Serial Killers, And That’s Why We Drink (half lore half crime), These Are There Stories (Law and Order Podcast)

      If you like lore podcasts I like Myths and Legends, Lore, and Spirits

      If you like nerd podcasts I like Harry Potter and the Sacred Text, Stuff You Missed in History Class, Science Vs, Geekverse, Nerdist, Sidedoor, Startalk, Grammar Girl

      If you like business podcasts I like The Pitch and Design of Business Business of Design

      Random: Freakonomics, This American Life, Ask Me Another, Intelligence Squared, Note to Self, Radiolab, Hello Internet, Foodstuff, Beautiful/Anonymous

    6. Kate in Scotland*

      I love 99% Invisible, The West Wing Weekly, Nerdette and Sawbones. Recently started Sunday School Dropouts and Between the Liner Notes.

    8. Anonyby*

      I love Gastropod, and from a previous Open Thread on here I learned about History of English, which I’m also loving. :D Right now I’m rotating between those two and Stuff You Missed in History Class.

      Others that I listen to regularly are Still Untitled: The Adam Savage Project, Inquiring Minds, and Fear the Boot.

      1. Director of Things*

        Another person listening to the History of English! I can’t believe how much I love that podcast. It somehow hits all the things I geek out about: history, geography, language, useless trivia…

    9. neverjaunty*

      99 Percent Invisible. If you are a gaming nerd type, also highly recommend Ken and Robin Talk About Stuff, and Backstory.

    11. Perse's Mom*

      The Drabblecast – strange/weird/silly stories
      The NoSleep Podcast – if you like scary/horror stories, this is your podcast
      ^in the same vein, you may also like Pseudopod
      My Favorite Murder – I’ve heard it said that the hosts are too self-involved now with the runaway success of the show, but I still find their banter mostly entertaining, and the actual murders they discuss are fascinating.

    12. Elkay*

      People talking – Adam Buxton, Griefcast, Beautiful/Anonymous, Made of Human.
      Stories – Homecoming, The Mysterious Secrets of Uncle Bertie’s Botanarium.

    13. Turanga Leela*

      I’m very fond of the Weeds podcast from Vox—very detailed, well-informed weekly podcast on politics and policy. It skews politically liberal but thoughtfully so.

  55. The Other Dawn*

    I need to know if I’m being too sensitive.

    Some background: My dad died on March 20. My best friend’s mom lives in the same town as my dad, which is in another state up north, and my best friend lives within 15 minutes of me, so we’re both about 2 hours and 20 minutes from her mom and my dad. I’ve been friends with her for 30+ years, we grew up three doors down from each other, so we both always felt that the other’s parents were our second set of parents.

    Last Saturday we had a small service in my dad’s town since he was cremated and the ground can’t be opened for burial until May. It was an hour of visiting (1 pm to 2 pm) followed by a 10 minute service given by the funeral director; he’ll have a full military burial in May. My friend’s mom was visiting with my friend for the week and they drove back north Saturday and came to the funeral home during the visiting hour to pay their respects. I asked her mom, in my friend’s presence, if they would be staying for the service and then coming back to the house for some food. I made sure to mention that it would be a very quick service. She said yes and my friend didn’t say anything. Ten minutes later her mom comes over saying that they need to get going because my friend wants to get on the road to go home. I was a little surprised since it was only 1:30 pm and the service would be at 2 pm, the roads weren’t icy, it wasn’t snowing, and home is only 2 hours and 20 minutes away. OK, that’s fine. They left.

    Later that night I’m scrolling through Facebook and see a post that she’s going dancing and seeing her favorite cover band. I was really hurt that she couldn’t wait just 40 minutes until the visiting and service was over before she got on the road. I couldn’t help but feel like her dancing and drinking was more important than being there for me (she’s quite the drinker when she goes out and is big into bars and clubs). The reason it annoyed me so much was that I knew she wouldn’t be leaving to go out until at least 8 pm (that’s when she always goes to this particular place), so if she left at 2:15 pm, she would still be home before 5 pm.

    I haven’t said anything to her about it, but it was a but stifled on my end for a couple days. I’ve let it go, but it still bothers me a bit. When her dad died I went with her to the funeral home for the viewing (he was cremated, too) and attended the church service (both up north), and took time off from work for the funeral, which was on a weekday. I guess I just feel like she couldn’t be bothered. Granted, I wasn’t quite as devastated as when my mom died since this is the second time I’ve been through it, but it would have been nice if she stayed for the service. And actually, many of my family members commented on her not being there since they’ve known her for a long time, too.

    Am I being too sensitive?

    1. the gold digger*

      No. I would be so hurt that my best friend didn’t come to my dad’s funeral when it would have been so easy for her. I think your hurt feelings are completely valid.

    2. Bookworm*

      I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. Whether you’ve been through that before or not, losing someone is always tough.

      I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to raise this with your friend and mention that you felt a little abandoned when she left the service early. Yes, sometimes it is best to just let things go by if they’re not part of a larger pattern, but when it comes to events like weddings, graduations or funerals, those little slights are harder to forget since they’re in embedded in such a memorable context. It doesn’t do either of you any good to let it fester.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I think what bothers me most is the reason for leaving. It wasn’t because she had to get back for some important event, or because it started snowing and the roads were getting bad. If that was the case I’d totally understand; we all have important commitments that come up and sometimes they coincide. It was because she was going to a bar to see a cover band, and wasn’t even leaving until much later that night.

      1. A. Non*

        I don’t necessarily think you need to raise it with her, though you can if you want to. But this does tell you something about your friendship with her, if nothing else. Maybe it’s a one off, maybe your dad’s funeral reminded her of her dad’s funeral, but keep it in mind. If she repeats it, it’s a pattern of behavior, and then maybe raise it? I don’t know, but it’s something to keep in mind.

        But more importantly, I’m so sorry for your loss.

    4. Turtlewings*

      I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, and attribute her odd behavior to grieving; everyone reacts differently, after all, and seeking the distraction of a fun night out despite its apparent inappropriateness is not the weirdest one I’ve heard. Still, I would say she owes you an apology, and as others have pointed out, it would better for you to bring it up and ask what that was about rather than let it fester.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I really don’t think it has anything to do with grieving, although I know that can be true sometimes. But I’ve known her for years and that’s not what this was; I could tell.

    5. Channel Z*

      If you are in regular contact, it would be worth telling her that your feelings were hurt. If not, leave it go for now and focus on your own grieving.
      I’m sorry for your loss, and you are not being too sensitive.

    7. Red Reader*

      I don’t go to funerals for personal reasons — is it possible that your friend just feels similarly, has never had reason to try to explain that before and didn’t know how to explain it to you now that it was relevant?

        1. LCL*

          People are weird about death and funerals. Just because she has been to many funerals doesn’t mean she could handle this one. Seeing one’s second parent die is the final end of childhood and a reminder of our mortality. She didn’t want to be reminded so she left. Of course it would have been kinder for her to stay.

          Is spending all this effort parsing and analyzing her timeline making you feel better? If not, let it go.

          I am sorry for your loss.

      2. Dizzy Steinway*

        She could have been more tactful on Facebook even if she had personal reasons.

        I can’t cope with people grieving for their fathers because of some abuse stuff I’m working through. I still wouldn’t do the Facebook posting bit.

    8. Mimmy*

      Oh Dawn, I didn’t realize your dad had passed away (if you did mention it, I apologize). No advice, just offering my condolences and healing hugs.

    9. Anono-me*

      I am so sorry for your loss.

      You being upset about your friend not staying for the service is very understandable.

      If this is out of character for her, could she have had to leave at the earlier time for some other reason? Maybe your best friend or her Mom had a private commitment earlier and then your friend went out later. That her mom said yes then came back and said no, your friend wants to get on the road asap is odd and makes me think it more likely that your friend had an appointment or something.

      If this is not out of character or your friend doesn’t always get social cues, then, you might want to discuss it with her. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You can also postpone it, if you feel you have enough on your plate right now.

      I am actually not trying to talk you out of a discussion with your friend; I just want you to not feel like it is one more emotional chore that you must do right now.

      Take care of yourself.

    10. AstroDeco*

      You’re not being too sensitive; I’d be hurt as well.

      I agree with the other comments, such as everyone grieves differently.
      At the least, tell your friend you were hurt & confused, especially because you were told they could stay & we’re glad to have their support.

      Although the Facebook post doesn’t look good, it’s best to err in thinking there was another reason in play. Perhaps your friend’s mother realised she couldn’t stay even though she said she would?

      I’m so sorry for your loss, Dawn.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      Nope, you’re not being too sensitive.

      This is yet another reason how death/grief is such a powerful force. A person’s passing can cause relationships to break apart or that same passing can cause new relationships to form.

      When my husband passed I lost several people out of my life because of stuff like this. I could not reconcile their lack of involvement in light of what I thought our relationship was.
      Death can go into several griefs because of these broken relationships or these hurts that happen.

      Okay for your setting here I will assume you want to salvage this yet still respect your own feelings on the matter. In other words, talk it though and not put your feelings on the back shelf in order to keep the friendship alive.

      It could be me, but the dancing and drinking sound like escaping. You are saying she thought of your parents as her second parents. It could be that she is on absolute overload. So why not say, “I missed you at dad’s services. I was really hoping we could lean on each other and do this together.” See what she says.

      The problem I run into is I am not sure what to do with a jaw-droppingly DUMB answer. I asked why no one went with me to pick out my husband’s casket. The answer came back, “well your pastor took you”. I have never seen such a dumb answer in my life. Yes, my pastor took me because he found out that no family was going to take me. drrrr.
      My eyes flew open and I was able to see what had been there right along but I was ignoring. This stuff can suck big time.

      My best thought here is “no, you are not off base at all” and my next thought is “give this a couple weeks to mull over.”

      Consider these factors:
      That when people pass out of our lives, our lives are forever changed in some way. We don’t get to pick the changes, the changes just happen.
      Death/grief are very powerful forces that break some relationships and forge new relationships in unpredictable ways.
      Perhaps your friend chose escaping from reality and you chose dealing with reality. Can you live with this? Can you learn to expect less from your friend?
      Perhaps you are a person who just HAS to know what is up. Can you deal with whatever her answer maybe for the sake of preserving the friendship? (This is why I say wait a few weeks then ask. You will have more thoughts on this in a short bit.)

      Last thought and this one is a toughie. Don’t allow this question with your friend to be your crutch to avoid your own grief process. We can get so lost in some stuff that we forget to mourn/grieve our loved one’s passing. Yet another reason to wait a few weeks. Focus on your own sorrow, get your feet on more solid ground, then after that perhaps talk to your friend.

    12. Christy*

      I described your situation to my wife (whose mom died seven years and one day before your dad) and as I read your post, her reaction went from “you should probably cut this person out of your life forever” to “you should definitely cut this person out of your life forever. There’s no need to ever have another conversation with someone who would do something that crummy.”

      And I’m with her. You are not overreacting. You don’t even need to have a conversation with this person about it. This can be the total end of the friendship if you want/need.

      1. AstroDeco*

        Christy, this seems like an overreaction to me. Can you please let me know the thought for it? I can kind of understand… tho not quite.

        If this was someone I cared about- especially thought of as family- I can’t imagine *not* giving them the opportunity to explain what happened.
        “This happened & for me to move on I needed to tell you this. I was hurting & whilst your social life is yours to have, after I saw your post I was devastated you weren’t able to stay for the service. Would you please put this in context for me?”

        There could be other factors at play here. What if the friend’s mum was the one who decided the funeral was difficult for her or if she didn’t feel well & needed to leave? What if the night out to a favourite band was a gift or a party the friend had committed to attend?
        None of these scenarios can mitigate the friend’s early departure, although they can give context so one can determine if the friendship needs to be reevaluated. And I believe funerals & grieving should trump party.
        If the friend left & realised she should have stayed, then she should have told her friend. Even so, she could have been too embarrassed to do so or didn’t say anything because she didn’t know what to say.

        We owe it to those we love to let them know if they hurt us & to hear their explanation if they want to provide one.
        Then it’s up to us to decide whether or not to accept it.

        1. Christy*

          I can’t quite figure out how to put this, so please bear with me.

          It’s a big reaction, to be sure, to cut someone out of your life for a horrible choice. But just because it’s big doesn’t mean it’s the wrong reaction.

          And what could the friend say? “The night out to a favourite band was a gift or a party [I] had committed to attend”? How can that possibly be enough of an explanation? I don’t think I’d want to forgive someone for that. Could I? Probably, if I tried hard enough.

          I’m trying to imagine if one of my own friends left early from a funeral-related event after I’d asked them to stay through it. For me, and for my specific close friendships, it’s egregious. I have about three really long-term, very close friends. I once spur-of-the-moment flew to one several states away so we could take a 12-hour road trip to visit his sick dad. My other friend and I have attended too many funerals together. My third friend had an entire group of friends at her grandmother’s funeral and at the typically-family-only-in-my-regional-culture meal afterwards. If any of these three left my parent’s viewing early, had their parent be the one to tell me, went to a concert that night, and posted about said concert on facebook without having the decency to hide me from their permissions on that post? I simply can’t imagine it. And I can’t imagine any excuse that would be sufficient enough.

          As I sort of squeezed into my hypothetical story, one part that majorly sticks in my craw is that it was the friend’s mom, not the friend herself, who was the one talking to OP at the wake/visitation. That’s a huge thing that I can’t imagine from a friend of 30 years. You’re leaving early to go to a concert (perhaps among other things) and you can’t even tell me yourself? Frankly, I think it’s also weird that OP was asking her friend’s mom in her friend’s presence to stay rather than vice versa. It strikes me as off that the conversation wouldn’t be friend-to-friend.

          So anyway, that’s a lot of rambling about what I said. I don’t particularly think we owe our close friends and family a chance at an explanation if we’re done with the relationship. It would be crummy to stay friends with them and let this loom over the friendship without saying anything or letting them explain, but cutting them out entirely solves that part of it.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Actually, when I asked if they were staying it was said to both of them, with eye contact to both of them. The mom is the one that answered and my friend stood there; her mom is more I’m trying to think back as to whether my friend actually answered at that point, but all I can remember is her kind of looking at her mom to answer. Also, I made sure to say that the service itself would be only 10 to 15 minutes and that I knew she had to drive home afterwards. And now that I’m thinking about it, when my friend first came over, alone, after she arrived, I said the same thing before her mom even came over and she nodded so I took that to mean she would be staying.

            I do think that cutting her out of my life would be an overreaction when taken on its own, but when taken along with other things, it’s a definite possibility I’ll have to consider. I don’t mean to say she’s been a crappy friend for years, but there’s been a few other things over the years that will help me ultimately reach a decision.

            I agree, though, that a commitment to attend a concert at a bar doesn’t trump a parent’s death in your best friend’s family. Especially because the band wasn’t scheduled to go on until 10 pm that night and she would have been home by 5 pm, even with the road construction going on. And, yeah, she didn’t tell me herself that she wouldn’t be staying. When I said goodbye to her I said something like, “So, you’re not staying for the service?” And she said no, because she wanted to get on the road and said it was a long day. She didn’t say she had a commitment or anything similar. And I know it’s not something that just popped up unexpectedly because she follows this cover band closely and always knows way ahead of time when and where they’re playing, and makes plan accordingly; she had been to see them at another club two weeks before this.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              Sorry, I just realized my first sentence here contradicts what I said in my original post. But this is the correct version. They were both standing with me, but when I asked I looked at her mom first since she was grasping my arm. But my friend was right next to her, in front of me. (And I see the comment is in moderation, so this won’t make sense until it’s released.)

            2. Christy*

              Typically those who majorly fail us in this way have failed us in other ways before. My wife has cut off two people entirely and really, the inciting incidents were more like final straws rather than initial offenses.

              I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Fwiw from my perspective, what you’ve added here makes your friend look even worse.

              Whatever choice you make will be the right one, because it’s the choice you decided on.

              1. AstroDeco*

                Christy, thanks for replying to my above question. Subsequent comments from Dawn & you make sense to me now. My initial query was from thinking you meant one-strike-you’re-out. I couldn’t wrap my thought around that concept with my family & friends. I really get your last comment & I’ve lived it myself.

                Dawn, as Christy said the added context makes this worse. You owe it to yourself to decide whether or not you want to continue the relationship. You deserve to have those areound you who make your life better & who make you happy, not those who are there when they feel like it & those we love deserve the same.

                For me, probably I’d [eventually] tell this friend that her actions hurt me. I’d hope she’d understand why I was upset although I wouldn’t expect it. Her reply would tell me much of what I needed to know. My other reason for telling her would be so I could give her the concept of “This is not okay” because how can we learn social norms if we aren’t taught? She might not get this “lesson” although I think it’s worth doing.

                I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this whilst you mourn your father, Dawn. My thoughts are with you!!

    13. Dizzy Steinway*

      Is it at all possible that, with the military funeral coming, she thought ‘it will be a quick service’ was a hint not to come?

      I’m sorry though, this was hurtful. And I’m so sorry for your loss.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I don’t really think so. Earlier in the week she had texted me a few times to ask when the service would be because she wanted to make sure and come up north for it. Once I had the details I told her that we’d have the viewing and short service Saturday, with the military funeral in May. She said that she’d come to both.

        And thank you.

    14. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks for your condolences, everyone. I appreciate it.

      I will likely ask my friend what was up. I’ve never been one to mince words with her, so it’s not a matter of being afraid to ask. Although, whatever she says, other than she’s sorry and just wasn’t thinking, is likely to not quite satisfy me, so I don’t know if I should even bother. It was my father’s death and she’s been my best friend for 30 years, and I feel she could have stayed the additional 45 minutes until it was over. And she let her mom tell me. She wouldn’t have said anything to me had I not said something about it when she was leaving.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah when we know we will probably not be satisfied with the answer then things get tougher.

        I do think that this is telling you something about the friendship overall, though. I can’t remember but I think you had mentioned some odd stuff with her before.

        You have the combination of things here:
        Losing a parent is almost like a portal in life. We go through that doorway and we know for a fact that life will never be the same again.
        Let’s add to the mix an odd thing that I have noticed is that the older the relationship sometimes the more work they are. you have a 30 year relationship, this can be work for both of you to keep it alive.

        Major life change and bff was not there. This is a profound let down. Part of why you may not be satisfied with what she says is because your life has changed and your needs have changed. And this is a really good example of why death causes some relationships to end. Not saying this means you and your friend will drift apart, but this is a good example of why people do drift apart after a major loss in one person’s life. We don’t know yet where the two of you will land. I am hoping that she comes to you with tears in her eyes saying “omg, I just did the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life…..” I really hope this is how it goes.
        Take good care of you as you go along here. It’s tough. It really is.

  56. Dienna Howard*

    Anyone else in here watch the CW superhero shows? I watch “Supergirl,” “The Flash,” and “Legends of Tomorrow.” I tried watching “Arrow” but couldn’t get into it. Out of those I find “Legends of Tomorrow” the most engaging. It’s the little show that could! I like it because it doesn’t always take itself seriously though at the same time it has its serious tearjerker moments.

    1. LawCat*

      We watched them until the CW took its shows off Hulu :-/

      We liked the Flash and Legends of Tomorrow best since they didn’t take themselves too seriously. We enjoyed Arrow, but it takes itself too seriously and I had too many moments of, “There’s no way a dude with a bow and arrow could beat those guys with guns.”

      1. Dienna Howard*

        I caught up on some of the shows when I had Netflix. I couldn’t get into “Arrow” because it was too slow-paced and dark for me. “Supergirl” I watched its first season on CBS’s website a week after episodes aired and now watch new episodes on the CW’s site the day after it airs. The same goes for “Flash” and “Legends of Tomorrow.” I feel that “Supergirl” is losing its “young woman finding herself as a person and a hero” appeal that drew me in its first season, and “Flash” is being dragged down by too large of an ensemble cast and the same beats being played out over and over again (keeping secrets, the villain of the season being a speedster). I feel that some of these shows would be better served by having shorter seasons.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Couldn’t get into any of them except Supergirl, which started out not that great but has really turned into an excellent show. A bit sad Jimmy Olsen didn’t turn out to be the love interest, despite all the romantic tension early on…

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          Oh! It was a network change thing… wonder if that was also the reason for the swift exit of Calista Flockhart…

          1. Dienna Howard*

            The show moved from CBS to CW for the second season. Filming moved from LA to Vancouver. Calista Flockhart didn’t want to make the move to Vancouver hence her no longer being a series regular.

    3. Emily*

      I watch Supergirl – I like that it’s an optimistic superhero show, even if it’s a bit cheesy – but I’ve been a little frustrated at some of the narrative choices of season 2! I feel like there’s been less emphasis on Kara’s relationship with her sister and on her life/job outside of her Supergirl identity, and more emphasis on her current romantic interest (who I don’t think is a great partner for her). Of course, your mileage may vary on all of that. :)

      1. Dienna Howard*

        My mileage doesn’t vary and in fact is close in line with yours! That’s why the show hasn’t been as appealing to me this season. Those relationships and stories from the first season have been lost with the move to the CW. Losing Calista Flockhart with that move was another loss to the show. I loved the Catco scenes and watching Kara trying to find herself outside of being Supergirl. And Kara’s relationship with Alex was one of my favorite themes. This season has focused too much on her relationship with Mon-El, which I felt should’ve remained platonic.

    4. Elizabeth*

      We watch “Supergirl” and “Legends”, and if there is a crossover, we’ll watch whatever other shows are involved. I adore Melissa Benoist. Stephen Amell said that having her on set during the 4-show crossover made it nearly impossible for him get into character as Oliver, because everything about her attitude and personality made him smile, and Oliver doesn’t smile. Grant Gustin called her “love and puppies in human form” at one point (they were on “Glee” together).

    5. Melody Pond*

      I love the Flash!! Everything about Cisco Ramon makes my heart soar! I love all of his references to other nerd culture (the episode where he yelled out Expecto Patronum!!! when he was on the roof trying to catch lightning with a rod or something was THE BEST!)

      I don’t watch Supergirl on its own, but I LOVE the Supergirl/Flash crossovers. The last one was practically an unofficial Glee reunion! It had Darren Criss, Melissa Benoist, and Grant Gustin, who were all on Glee together – and of course Jesse L. Martin can sing, I knew that – I was surprised at the actor playing Cisco! I didn’t know he could sing!

      I don’t really watch any of the other shows.

      1. Dienna Howard*

        Cisco is a trip! Carlos Valdes plays him well.

        “I was surprised at the actor playing Cisco! I didn’t know he could sing!”

        Neither did I until I saw the crossover musical.

  57. Kelly White*

    I just wanted to give a big ol’ thank you to all the commenters on here! And to Alison!

    You guys are my sanity break at work and I have gotten more excellent book recommendations than I can count!

    Also, to all the folks who sung the praises of Ynab, you definitely saved my financial life, and probably my marriage.

    So thanks for everything!!

  58. hermit crab*

    What’s the weirdest dream you’ve had recently?

    Last night I dreamed that I was interviewing at my company’s top competitor. (I am not even remotely job-searching in real life; this is not intended to be a work-related post!) The interview location was an elementary school out in the desert (none of which makes sense for the real company). There were some other people there and none of them were dressed professionally, and we had to take some weird aptitude tests, like writing down strange words that someone was saying. When I finally got to talk to the actual interviewers, they told me that those tests didn’t matter; actually, all they wanted to do was gossip about people we knew in common. Suddenly, I was driving an unfamiliar SUV down the highway and my outfit was all messed up, and I wasn’t even wearing my shoes. But my pockets were full of the interviewers’ business cards. I was like, oh crap, did I somehow black out and forget the rest of the interview? How will I know how I did and, more importantly, how will I get my shoes back?!?

    Normally, I have fairly standard (?) dreams like “I am back in high school for some reason and can’t find my locker” or “I am going on a trip that I have known about for a long time, but I am not prepared.” So this one was downright bizarre.

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      I dreamed we had a pet rabbit that died and I cooked it and felt really guilty about trying to feed it to my husband. And it was in these horrible bloody slices.

      This was VERY out of character as I love bunnies and feel weird about the idea of eating them as I used to have them as pets.

      I blame the fact I’d been watching Dexter the night before!

    2. Sparkly Librarian*

      Last week I dreamed that I was rollerskating down a hill. Kurt Hummel (from Glee) was pulling me by a long string, and holding onto my belt loops and tagging along was Jill Biden.

    3. Sugar of lead*

      I had one once that kind of followed the hero cycle, complete with a “rescue from without” saving me from getting executed by the secret police. We’d been studying mythic structure and Joseph Campbell in school, and my subconscious must have been paying more attention than the rest of me. Unfortunately, I did not get extra points.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I had a dream last week that I was leaving a job for some awesome reason, and the boss was my original boss from OldExjob. We were talking about it and various people kept coming up and saying they were going to miss me, etc. Then I went out into a warehouse yard, and Paul Ryan drove up in one of the trucks wearing a t-shirt and a hard hat and started saying all these very insincere things (kind of like IRL, lol) and giving me some smarmy meme-ish advice. I yelled at him, “Shut up, Paul! Just shut up! You’re so full of SHIT!!!”

      Very strange but oddly satisfying, haha.

    5. New Bee*

      I had a dream I went to the doctor for an allergy appointment and she told me the antibiotics had made my birth control fail. Next thing I knew I was being wheeled in for a C-section….I currently have an under-6-month-old, so that was a nightmare!

    7. Chaordic One*

      Well, as I said yesterday in response to someone who worried about her height intimidating people, I’m rather tall myself (5′ 12″) and I’ve always been self-conscious about it. I have this recurring nightmare where I’m out shopping and have to go to the restroom. When I get to the restroom door I am stopped by the bathroom police who won’t let me in until I show them my birth certificate and while I’m fumbling around in my purse desperately trying to find it, I end up wetting myself and the floor. Then I wake up and make sure that I haven’t wet the bed.

      2. LCL*

        Yeah, since the bathroom thing has been in the news I’m getting more suspicious glares and sideways looks. Ive decided if anyone asks imma tell them they need a better line to have a look at my goods.

  59. Windchime*

    I posted a few weeks ago about some trouble I was having with kidney lab results. For awhile there, my lab results were in a free-fall; for those who aren’t familiar, a normal eGFR is 60 or above. Mine had fallen to 32.

    As it turns out, this was (hopefully) temporary damage due to overuse of NSAIDs. I had been taking Advil daily for way longer than recommended. I’ve been off the NSAIDs since late January but my levels kept falling into March. At that point I also stopped drinking diet Coke. This week, my levels are back up in the 50’s. So this is a public service announcement; don’t ever, ever ignore the warnings on the Advil bottle. If you are suffering from kidney damage, you may not know until you are in kidney failure so don’t skip your doctor appointments and labs. The only reason I knew is that I had some basic labs done and my GP noticed slightly reduced values and then started watching me.

    Also, beware of the artificial sweeteners. I truly suspect that was contributing. I feel like I have dodged a huge, scary bullet.

    1. Belle di Vedremo*

      That’s good news, Windchime. Glad to hear it.
      And I’m with you on artificial sweeteners. Water, not soda/coffee/etc, makes a huge difference.

    1. Allypopx*

      I think a lot of things like that are super personalized. I’d come down on the side of no one notices blinds and it only needs to be done if you’re doing an occasional deep clean, but clearly it’s something you (I’m assuming you based on strength of wording) notice, so that makes it part of feeling comfortable in your space, which therefore makes it automatically important.

    2. rubyrose*

      I don’t notice until I can see the cobwebs that have formed between the blinds and the window. Time to clean then.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      And the third one thinks that you just go buy new ones when you can’t stand it anymore. No cleaning required. (Assuming you buy the cheap mini blinds like I do.)

    4. Windchime*

      I think the person who believes that blinds should be cleaned is the one who needs to clean them. I do notice dirty blinds, but they are way, way down on my list of housecleaning tasks. I have pleated blinds that feel more like fabric so they don’t really show dirt. Not that I notice, anyway.

      1. the gold digger*

        Yes, I am the one who cares and I am the one who is cleaning them. I told Primo I don’t know why he even wants to discuss the issue – I am not asking him to do the work!

    5. Parenthetically*

      Which one of you has dust allergies?
      I notice the blinds in my house for this reason. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed anybody else’s blinds. Perhaps everyone I’ve ever met has clean blinds, or at least not so dirty as to be noticeable?
      (Secondary question: do you ever clean the top of the refrigerator? I’m too short to see it and will literally go years before I think to look up there, then I am appalled to think what taller visitors must have thought.)

    7. Temperance*

      My MIL thinks cleaning blinds is very important, and the rest of her house is a pigsty, so …

    8. Anono-me*

      I think cleaning horizontal blinds is a nasty horrible job that is difficult to do well and this is why vertical blinds were invented.

    9. neverjaunty*

      The issue here isn’t really clean blinds, y/n. It’s that one of you thinks that the test of whether you should do a chore That’s How Decent People Live, and the other thinks that the test is Will Anyone Notice. So really, you’re talking past one another.

      3. the gold digger*

        This is so true! We grew up in very different environments, to the extent that his quasi-hoarder parents thought people who had tidy houses without junk all over were snobby.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      This is why I got rid of my blinds.

      I had three mini blinds. They came with the house. I cleaned them each spring because I like to open my windows and I don’t want a bunch of dust floating around. So I put them in a bathtub full of water and some borax. I would hunt around and find other things such as artificial flowers and soak them also.

      In my books, they HAVE to be clean. At the same time I sincerely believe that cleaning mini-blinds is the biggest waste of my time. So out they went. Making matters worse, my friend has a horrible story about being forced to clean the old metal blinds. Her hands would be all bloody. So, yeah, no blinds for me.

    11. Jules the First*

      One of us hates cleaning blinds and curtains, so our house has no window treatments. :)

    12. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I am definitely on the side of nobody notices, especially because I’m still living in an apartment.

      SO and I have already discussed having a cleaning person come in once or twice a month once we move in together, and I would likely pay for a spring clean once or twice a year for the annoying things no one wants to do (like cleaning fan blades, or blinds, or…etc.). To me, if I don’t notice it, I don’t clean it (except with kitchen counters). So, I wait to clean the bathroom sink or tub until it looks dirty. I wait to sweep or vacuum until it looks dirty.

  61. Charlie Q*

    I’m gently coming to terms with my gender, which is to say: nonbinary of some flavor. I’m AFAB (assigned female at birth) and trying to figure out some small ways to dress in a more masculine and/or androgynous way. For example, when I wear a tshirt and jeans, I tuck the shirt in, and that has a mildly masculine flavor to it for me. I don’t want to update my whole wardrobe, just tweak it. Thoughts?

    1. Channel Z*

      It depends on your shape and your aim. Big and baggy clothes are androgynous but unflattering. Rugby shirts are good. I am a petite flat chest female and look like a boy when I wear rugby shirt. You want your waist to look straight up and down, so if you have a small waist then tucking in shirt might make you look more feminine. But if you have a wider waist then tuck shirt in, it will make waist wider and more masculine, and add a boys belt to your jeans. You want to make shoulders look wider too, horizontal stripes maybe. Baseball hat backwards?

      1. Charlie Q*

        I definitely have a wide waist, so the shirt tucked in helps me look more straight up and down. I hadn’t thought about shoulders, that’s clever! Thanks for the thoughts!

    2. also afab*

      Sports bra “uniboob” also help to create a more masculine shape, esp if you do not are not small breasted. Button down dress shirts, even if you wear the “women’s style” ones (with the buttons on the other side) it makes you look more masculine. Sometimes shaving if you have a lot of fuzz in your face, men don’t have fuzz. Something else I did was to wear a couple of layers – sports bra, undershirt, t-shirt or other shirt; more in winter. A pain in the summer but the layers helped hide the chest and the fact that I had a sports bra. Masculine androgynous shoes (basically closed flats shoes or sneakers or flat clunky boots, that sort of thing).

      1. Charlie Q*

        The sports bra + button down look worked so well!! I dressed up like that tonight for a play and was totally floored at how good it looked/felt. Thank you!

    4. Kora*

      I’m a woman who likes to do drag, so I’m aware I’m not really coming at this from the same place, but – minimizing sports bras are great. Shirts over tank tops or t shirts over long sleeved shirts, because the extra layers help to change your shape. Depending on what kind of pants you like, a belt from the men’s section might work. Also I’ve found that your hair makes a huge amount of difference to how your clothes get read, so maybe experiment with how you style it if you haven’t already. If you decide you’re in the market for a binder at some point, I highly recommend gc2b (https://www.gc2b.co/).

    5. Clever Name*

      I think wearing more masculine/androgynous shoes and a men’s belt may be good tweaks. I love converse all-stars. If your style is more preppy, penny loafers or boat shoes (buy the men’s style-they are wider and more masculine) are good choices. Tucking in t-shirts and button front shirts is a good way to skew more masculine. I’m a woman with broad shoulders and not much of a waist and I stopped wearing button fronts and tucking tops in precisely because it makes me look more mannish (which isn’t how I want to present).

    6. LCL*

      This advice for work type clothes only, when I dress up I go full on girlie.
      Men’s jeans. Buy ‘me long and cuff ’em.
      Heavy leather belt with a plain buckle.
      Men’s boots.
      Men’s athletic shoes.
      Men’s wallet.
      Flannel shirt unbuttoned over t-shirt. With other button downs, unbutton the cuffs and fold back.
      Baseball hat.

      1. LCL*

        And big folding knife stuck in the watch pocket of your jeans.
        Jeans should be loose enough to carry your keys in your pocket.

  62. the gold digger*

    Laverne was sleeping in the other room. I thought I could sneak one past her. I washed a pear and started to cut it into pieces to mix with yogurt – and she ran out of the bedroom crying.

    She knows what it sounds like when I wash and cut fruit. And she will come into the kitchen and demand her share. Loudly. Weird fruit-eating cat!

    1. paul*

      My toddlers would probably wrestle a bear if they saw it eating a pear or banana and not sharing.

    2. Today's anon*

      One of mine loved romaine lettuce and also usually knew when I was prepping it!

    3. AstroDeco*

      We humans should never try to out-sneak our cats.
      Even if we think we’re getting away with it, it’s only because the cat is letting us think that.

      Perhaps you can mash some pears & put them on the blinds that need cleaning? The cat can have fruit & help with more than ensuring there are fur-balls under all of the furniture.
      ;-D

      ps: Wrong thread, tho I think blinds should be cleaned whenever one notices they need it & finally gets around to doing so. Which can be months apart, since one might notice during a 2am binge-watch then not again until months later.
      I like the suggestions of whoever notices should clean them. Runner-up is get new blinds.
      Usually I only notice blinds if they’re quite dusty.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I do home cooked for my dog. I get out the knife and the cutting board and he comes running. I haven’t even gotten the food out at that point. Animals are funny.

  63. Ask a Manager* Post author

    I lived alone for more than a decade before marrying my husband, and I managed to live in a reasonably civilized manner. But now for some reason, when he travels, I end up living like a feral animal. I sleep at bizarre hours, there is crap strewn throughout the house (not literal crap — I’m not that feral), I eat gluttonously, and what I am wearing would repel you. The only thing I do in between working and watching HBO series is nap. I can’t decide if I enjoy this or if it makes me feel gross.

    (But Big Little Lies is really good!)

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      I do this too when my husband travels! I eat the most random crap and sleep at weird hours.

      Big Little Lies is SO GOOD.

    2. dear Liza dear liza*

      My husband and I actually say we “go feral” when left alone. It’s lovely to revel in total adolescent-like freedom for a day or two, but then I do start to feel off. It turns out that eating healthy and sleeping regular hours really IS good for you, lol.

      But hubby has to go in to work on Sunday and I can’t wait to watch MY shows while eating ice cream :)

      PS another vote for BIG LITTLE LIES.

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      I think that’s awesome and I have aspirations to be you once my kid isn’t like a little dinosaur destroying my house and needing constant attention.

    4. Turtlewings*

      Left to my own devices, the first thing I do is lose all control over my sleep schedule. My body really wants its 8 hours of sleep, but would prefer to split them between the early hours of the evening and the wee hours of the morning. I also, when living alone, very quickly start to feel that life is pointless and nothing I do matters to anyone. Living with my sister, as I currently do, keeps all that at bay; having someone to function as a “we” with makes all the difference in the world. When she was out of town for a week recently, it was nice to have the house to myself at first, but by the time she got back I was very relieved!

    5. regina phalange*

      Do you mind if I ask how you met your husband? I love hearing successful how we met stories!

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Um. We … made out in a bar years and years ago. (Not my usual behavior!) We went on a couple of dates but I wasn’t really that into it. I didn’t think I could date an artist type and didn’t think we had much in common. Then five years later we reconnected (online, no less — I messaged him and was like, “hey, we made out in a bar five years ago”) and for some reason things went much better the second time around.

        4. fposte*

          I’m madly curious–did you see his name online somewhere and that made you message him, or did you just one day think “Whatever happened to that guy I groped in McFlaherty’s?”

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            I wish it had been the latter! No, it was on OK Cupid. I had just come out of a year of not wanting to date anyone, and was all excited to casually date a bunch of dudes and figured OK Cupid was the most efficient way to make that happen. But then as soon as I got on the site, he was one of the first people I saw … which ultimately ended up ruining my “casually date a bunch of dudes” plan. But at the time, I was thinking he was perfect to reach out to since there wouldn’t be any long-term potential there. (Whoops.)

    6. Elizabeth West*

      (not literal crap — I’m not that feral)

      This made me laugh out loud. Thanks, Alison. I needed that–I’m having a shitty day.

      I’m the same way kind of, at the moment–without a job or a schedule, I sleep from 12 am to 8 am, wear PJs all day, and the coffee table is full of junk. Ergh.

    7. Temperance*

      I do the same thing. Booth goes on business travel, Temperance pees with the door open. And eats garlic for every meal.

    8. KR*

      Same. When husband is away it should be so easy to keep the house clean since he is the messier one but I just sleep and watch Netflix and avoid housework and make messes. Then I super clean the day before he gets back because I’m embarrassed lol

    9. C Average*

      Same. I turn into a sitcom bachelor, drinking milk out of the carton, eating frozen pizza while binge-watching horrible TV, hoping (though not much caring) that the neighbors won’t see me taking out the trash in my husband’s boxers and a sweatshirt I’ve had since college.

      I treasure these opportunities to be my worst self. Not gonna lie.

    10. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Setting a good example for children has always ruined my chance to live as a feral creature when my husband travels. We do relax things a lot when he is gone, though (and they do when I’m gone, too).

    11. Cath in Canada*

      Lately I’ve done the opposite – I do a deep clean of the whole house as soon as he leaves, because I know it’s going to stay clean much longer than when he’s trailing sawdust through the house, throwing his socks on the sofa, and splashing water all over the bathroom sink! But I do start going to bed at midnight or 1 am (my natural cycle – unfortunately I don’t get to start work any later though) and eating nothing but omelettes and baked potatoes.

    13. Tris Prior*

      Any time Boyfriend is out of town is my cue to binge on the unhealthiest food I can find. Stuff that he’s asked me not to have in the house because he’ll eat the entire container, stuff that in no way constitutes any sort of nutrition. I try to model healthy eating for him when he’s around but that all goes out the window when he’s gone. Last time he was out of town, I ate french fries and ice cream for dinner. More than once.

    14. Melody Pond*

      Ahhhhh, I’m so excited to watch Big Little Lies! I’m waiting until I can binge the whole thing (can I do that yet??? are all the episodes aired??).

      Mr. Pond and I both read the book, and I loved it, even though it was not something I would normally have picked up. Actually, come to think of it, I think I picked it up because someone on the weekend thread at AAM recommended it!

      And, Alison, I’m EXACTLY the same way when Mr. Pond travels – which thankfully is not often, because I’m completely useless without him here.

    15. LadyKelvin*

      I bounce between being too lazy to eat so I skip meals entirely and eating everything that is terrible for me. And watching bad TV I’m too embarrassed to watch around him. I also get really messy even though I yell at him for doing exactly that when he’s home. And when I lived alone my house was spotless so I really don’t know what’s going on there.

  64. Call me St. Vincent*

    Hi guys. So I am a long-time commenter trying out a different posting name. My old posting name was my initials and there was recently confusion with someone else with my same initials and also I’ve gotten more concern about being too identifying. Anyway, so this is my new name.

    The real purpose of my post is that my husband didn’t realize that he was on call this weekend, which means he is working from 7 am this morning to noon tomorrow and that I have our 18 month old and our dog on my own, including taking our baby to swim lessons this morning. Swim lessons are normally a two person job. BUT, I had a positive attitude about everything and just thought that I will do the best I can.

    You guys! I got to swimming and actually got a parking spot at the Y (unheard of!) then I got a family changing room (never available!) and we did our swim lesson and everyone had a lot of fun. I got back, made the baby ravioli, which she ate most of (win!) and then gave her a bath to get the chlorine off and got her dressed and put her down for a nap. Nap war ensued, but I WON and she has been peacefully sleeping for about an hour! I am sitting here with my tea getting to read my favorite thread of the week.

    I do miss my husband, but this is really cool right now. The peace and quiet, which is obviously fleeting, is just amazing. That is all!

  65. Student Moving Out*

    So it’s me from last week – I’ve been having some trouble with my quest of moving out (parent shenanigans and fear of well, apartments? Landlords?) and some of you helped me out quite a bit.
    I got good news: I found a cool place and signed the lease on Wednesday! The landlord knew it was my first time renting and walked me through the whole lease, explaining everything. The place has awesome high ceilings (not good for heating, I know, but I prefer being cool anyway), a fantastic room layout and its location is perfect for me. So all in all, I’m really excited about it. Thank you for your help!!

  66. MsChanandlerBong*

    My cousin is getting married this fall. I am in the wedding party. Her sister, my other cousin, is the MoH. The rest of us are trying to plan for the shower/hen party, but my cousin won’t just pick a date so that we can move forward. We need to know in advance because 1) I live 2,000 miles away and need to buy a plane ticket to get there, and 2) We may do something that requires tickets (e.g. a concert), and we need to buy the tickets early so they don’t sell out. Further complicating matters is that MoH cousin is terrible at planning and has no money. The money part isn’t too much of a problem because the rest of us will just cover everything, but the planning part is annoying. We don’t want to step on her toes by taking over, but if we wait for her to plan something, the wedding will be here and gone!

    1. AdAgencyChick*

      So maybe that’s okay? Neither a shower nor a hen party is necessary for a wedding, so I say if she’s getting in her own way of having one, maybe she doesn’t get one!

      1. Turtlewings*

        I think OP means that the MoH won’t pick a date for the shower. I think the only thing you can do, OP, is gather all the bridesmaids and tell her if she hasn’t picked a date by the end of the week, you’re picking it for her, because it’s got to be done.

        Alternately, if she’s really bad at these things, she may be quite relieved if you offer to take over for her — especially if you phrase it as a favor to YOU because you would just really love to do it!

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          I think that is what we are going to do. I’m going on a trip with my mom, and I tried to plan around the shower, but my cousin kept saying she didn’t know when she wanted it. I went ahead and scheduled the trip anyway, as my mom needed to put in her PTO request. I figured if the shower happens before I go, fine. If it doesn’t, then I’ll have to miss it. My mom has had cancer, an enlarged liver, and cellulitis in the last year. I’m not going to a cancel a trip with her to attend a bridal shower and then end up regretting it if she’s too ill to go on vacation another time.

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        Oh, she wants one. But she doesn’t want it catered, she wants people to bring food. Which would be fine if there were 40 people, but she knows everyone around town, so I bet you there will be at least 100. I was texting with two of the other bridesmaids earlier, and we decided we’re going to ask her if we can have the main dishes catered and then do dips, cookies, etc. ourselves. First of all, it will be in August, so no one wants to run the oven all day (I’ll be flying in from out of town, so I won’t even have an oven to use!). Second of all, no one has enough room in her fridge to store enough food for 100+ people. I think she thinks she’s making it cheaper for us by asking for people to make food, but we’d all rather just pay the money for catering and not have to worry about food prep and storage.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          If you guys are paying, I think it’s completely okay to insist that it be catered rather than potluck. A 100 person potluck event sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, too. Say you’ve got 50 units arriving. That’s 50 different dishes that need to be arranged on the serving dishes, each of which will serve maybe 8 people, so the best stuff will run out immediately. Then you’ll have at least 10 of those people who “just need to use the kitchen/stove/microwave for a few minutes”, and no-one will have remembered to bring appropriate serving utensils…

          I’d give her an ultimatum – she needs to give a firm date by X, or you can’t make it, and it will be catered. If she doesn’t give the date, then you can relax, because it won’t be your problem anymore.

  67. The Other Dawn*

    Anyone keep chickens or ducks? How does one get started?

    I was just at the Tractor Supply store and they had chicks and ducklings. So cute! Now that we have a barn and a good amount of property, I’ve thought about raising them for eggs.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      For chicks that are half-grown, a coop, like a cage without a bottom, is good. My farm-boy ex and his dad made them out of two-by-fours and chicken wire and we moved them around on the grass every day until the chicks were big enough to be safe outside. They need fresh water every day and calcium mixed in with their feed if you’re just giving them grain (you can buy “layer feed” that might have it already in).

      If they’re really tiny, like freshly hatched, a brooder (tiny cage with food / water trays and a light bulb to keep them warm) is good to keep them inside until they’re slightly larger; then they can go out into the coop. We raised them from eggs so we also had an incubator. They went from that to the brooder to the coop when they outgrew the brooder.

      Ask at a farm supply place. They will be able to help you with all that.

      If you’re out in the country, you can let them out to run during the day. They’ll eat lots of bugs and their eggs will be FANTASTIC–bright orange yolks and lots of flavor. But you’ll need to shut them up at night or else they’ll get eaten. If you keep them in the barn and they have plenty of straw and a place for nests, etc. then they’ll probably go roost in the same place every night. When we bought adult chickens, we put them in their roost (a shed) for a couple of days so they knew that’s where they lived. Sometimes they would roost in the turkey house, and I would carry them back. They were all warm and feathery. If you let them run outside, they will lay outside sometimes, so you’ll have to check for eggs around the property. You don’t want to let them hatch a brood outside or you’ll have to chase down a bunch of baby chicks and that is not easy!

      This is basically chickens; sorry, I don’t know anything about ducks.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks!

        I never thought about it until this year. Probably because we now have a Tractor Supply store (opened late last year) and they just got a ton of baby chicks and ducklings. My barn is a decent size. Maybe 25 feet by 30 feet? There are what look to be chicken coops on the left (2 stalls high and maybe 5 across for a total of 10) and three horse stalls on the right. Hay loft up top, which I’d love to make into a rec room. I do have cats, but only one goes outside; however, keeping a brooder in the house until it’s warm enough outside would be an issue, as I have 9 cats that stay inside.

        I don’t know. Something to consider for next year. I think the fact that I have a barn and much more property that I used to have is giving me the itch to do something farm-y. LOL

        1. IowaGirl*

          Keep in mind that if you buy tiny chicks you don’t really know what gender you’re getting (even if advertised as female). You can probably find pullets (older, definitely female chicks) on Craig’s List (or ask at the store). They will be able to stay in your barn right away assuming it’s not drafty.

          Go for it! Chicken keeping is great fun and those eggs will be the best you’ve ever tasted. :)

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Yes this is true.
            We were recently allowed to keep up to six hens (no roosters) in town in this city. I seriously thought about doing it, but at the time I had Pig still, and the backyard was hers. Now, even if I were going to stay here, there are too many damn strays because my neighbor refuses to stop feeding them. I don’t want to have to worry about cats killing them or messing with them.

    2. fposte*

      I read for pure pleasure the wonderful site at mypetchicken dot com. Even if you don’t buy chicks there the site is filled with great information, and all my best fantasy chickens come from there.

      1. AstroDeco*

        Fantasy chickens!!

        I gotta figure out how to use this phrase in daily conversation…

    3. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      to add to Elizabeth’s advice:
      – duck eggs are fantastic and work as ~1.5 eggs in a recipe. it’s richer than a chicken egg too
      – ducks are death on bugs – if you have carpenter ants or termites or anything you will have many fewer :)
      – you definitely need water for ducks to bathe in, and they are messy bathers :)
      – eagles LOVE ducks, so if you have eagles you either need ducks that are too big for them (like heavy muscovies) or a covered enclosure
      – I think for ducks you might also need a drake if you want eggs, unless they’ve got a breed now that lays like chickens do
      – for chickens, ‘ready-to-lay’ is what you want if you don’t want to start with chicks
      – geese are fun too :) fantastic watchdogs and they keep the grass delightfully short

      Not sure how rural you are? but it’s always worth keeping an eye out for livestock auctions and at the end of the show season the 4H kids often sell their animals

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Ducks are death to slugs, too. We had eight runner ducks (they resemble bowling pins, with their upright bearing and slim build). They would line up all abreast and run across the lawn together, frisking the grass with their bills. When they would find a slug, they would straighten up to full height and stretch out their neck Yuo let it slide down, and then they would go right back to frisking the grass.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Garter snakes eat lots of slugs. I will be glad when they come back to my yard–before Pig died, she basically scared them all away (not like I’d trade the snakes for her, though).

    4. Kj*

      I have chickens! They are nice to keep, we get fresh eggs and the girls are fun to watch. You need a good coop and run and you need it to be predetor-proof. Our coop was made from plans from TheGardenCoop.com; it is basically Fort Knox for hens. That is step one- if it isn’t step one, you’ll have adolescent chickens in your home longer than you want to! Coop building always takes longer than you think and can be a bit pricy, but a well-designed coop lasts you for years and keeps your girls safe.

      Step two is getting chicks and brooding them. I did NOT use a heat lamp. Chicks need supplemental heat, even inside, but heat lamps are dangerous. I use a heating pad I made into a “cave” and the chicks could go in and out and sit on the roof if need be. Chick feed will be sold a Tractor Supply. Get a watering dish that is shallow- chicks with drown in their water if it is too deep. Watch to make sure the chicks have a clear ‘vent’ aka bottom. If poop cakes up the vent, they can die. You can clean it with Q-tip- look for videos online before attempting it.

      Once the chicks are getting real feathers, you can put them in the coop. They’ll lay in a few months. You feed them (we built a gravity feeder, so it is a weekly task) and water (same, plus using the ‘nipple’ water method keeps the water clean). We use the deep litter method and clean out the coop every 3 months or so. Egg collecting, plus feeding treats is the only daily tasks- we feed sunflower seeds, scratch and weeds I’ve pulled from the yard to our girls.

    5. Clever Name*

      Apparently ducks are dumber than chickens. Our neighbor used to have both, but when a fox came in the yard, the chickens all sought refuge in the fox-proof coop while the ducks dumbly stood around for the ensuing slaughter. :(

    6. Mephyle*

      Apparently you can rent chickens. I guess the idea is to try out chicken raising without the commitment. If you start typing rent chickens into a Google search, it will autocomplete with about 10 different cities, so this must be a growing concept in different places. You could check if it has caught on where you are.

  68. Ugh why tho*

    Well we had a Dharma reading today and it was verse 324 about the depressed elephant in captivity, who longs to be in the forest. Then leader told a background story about it, how the Buddha’s enemy tried to sic a drunken, mad elephant on him and he calmed it down with love instead of running away like all the villagers, thus foiling his enemy and teaching the elephant (lots of symbolic hyperbole, I love it).

    This whole week has been full of drunken elephants. And the most disgusting one of all walked into the sanctuary with a pretty young woman in tow. Whom he then brought to coffee. >:P (In this town, you just don’t take people to stuff like a group, etc. unless you’re f*cking them. It’s like a red carpet debut.) The second they sat down, I bailed (there weren’t enough chairs and we were going to lose the room to a reservation anyway, so I just said I had a ton of editing to do and bye everybody, later, etc.). And let the elephant rage all the way home. It’s still sulking.

    It was my first test and I failed miserably.

    In examining why this has upset me so much, I can see that an attachment here might actually make me want to stay–that is a good reason to not have any. But at the same time, I feel hurt because all the noes, especially in this particular area (personal relationships) make me feel undesirable, rejected, and useless. I feel ugly. I feel grotesque. Everybody wants a giraffe and I’m the sad fat elephant in the corner. Maybe I only THINK I’m desirable and everyone else is thinking “Eww, no.” Maybe I’m supposed to avoid a personal attachment right now, but does that mean I have to be completely monastic even though I don’t choose to be? No one else seems to have to do this. Other people can have flingseven. Gah.

    There has not been a yes for a very long time–in work, in personal life, in anything. And I can’t give some of these things to myself; the require outside participation. I thought the universe and I were changing things, but it seems to be throwing the same old shit at me. Do I have to let it stick? No, but I can’t help how I feel about it.

    1. Today's anon*

      I am so sorry, this is so painful. And I so recognize myself when I am raging about other people having flings and why do i have to be monastic and feeling ugly etc (which I do). I think the thing is, no one is throwing anything at you. It’s not about you. It’s about them or maybe about no one. He didn’t go have coffee with that women to anger you or to spite you. He’s just doing his own thing. It doesn’t mean that it’s not painful! But to me at least, knowing and believing it is not personal is super helpful. Also, you are already in pain, no need to also beat yourself up by being unkind to yourself. This is the time to gather up, comfort yourself with a favorite book or walk or tea or whatever you find comforting. Sending you love.

      1. Ugh why tho*

        Thanks. I know he didn’t do that AT me–I’m just super disappointed because I kind of liked him. It’s been ages since I met anyone I was even halfway interested in. You have no idea how hard it is to meet people here when you’re not twenty. I have been here for sixteen years and tried everything and only dated one person, and he didn’t even live in the state.

        And now I have to get it shoved in my face every time, ugh. Ugh ugh.

    2. C Average*

      “There has not been a yes for a very long time–in work, in personal life, in anything.”

      I have been here and it is hard. I wish I could draw you a map out, but the route is different for everyone. I’m sorry it’s so hard. I don’t think these things happen for any reason at all, and I don’t believe they make us better or wiser. Maybe tougher? I’m not sure tougher is good; it looks a lot like jaded, even when you squint hard.

      I’m rambling because I have no good answers, but it stinks and I’m sorry it’s happening to you.

      1. Ugh why tho*

        *sigh* Yeah, I really am struggling to figure it out. You’d think I’d be allowed to have a little FUN now and then, at least. This is like being in prison and I have no idea why.

    3. AstroDeco :::slowly emerging from the shadows:::*

      to quote a frequent commenter on AAM who I’ve come to respect:
      *hugs*

      1. Ugh why tho*

        Yeah, I think it’s a good thing, but I’m kind of sick of there always being a price. It isn’t like we’re making an exchange with Rumplestiltskin or anything! (OuaT reference)

    5. Not So NewReader*

      This sucks. I am so sorry.

      Com’on universe, a person can only take so much rain, then they MUST have some sunshine. Change something here for this woman, will ya?!

    6. Red*

      So many *hugs*. I don’t even like hugs, and I’m hugging you. That sucks so much, and I’m sorry.

      1. Ugh why tho*

        *melts*
        T’anks.
        I’m half like Ralphie in A Christmas Story saying “Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge,” and half like “FINE; I wanted [insert hot celebrity here] anyway!”

        It’s just as well; if he found out how old I am, he’d probably just bail anyway. :P I did eventually stop wallowing on the sofa and take a walk (the sun came out for a bit). Now I’m finishing my edits because whatEVS.

    7. Overeducated*

      Ugh, that stinks. I don’t think you have to find higher purpose and be ok with it now. That’s easier in hindsight when we can fit it into our life narratives more easily. WALLOW AWAY!

  69. Anonymous Educator*

    After years of asking friends to cat-sit, Spouse and I finally got automatic cat feeders. Had to do a lot of online research, because we wanted ones that worked well but weren’t too costly. We’ve used them while away for a couple of days, and they worked well! Got an extra litter box, too. At this point, we love our litter boxes (they’ve very good at container the litter), so we don’t want to invest in automatic scoopers.

    How long can you reasonably leave cats with unscooped litter before it becomes inhumane? 3 days? 4 days?

    1. Windchime*

      I think 3 or 4 days is about the limit. I’ve left my cat for 2 nights without anyone checking on him and scooping but I don’t think I’d go any longer than that. I don’t scoop daily but I also have a cat who doesn’t seem too particular about the scooping schedule.

      If I’m gone any longer, I pay the neighbor boy to come in every day to feed, water, play and scoop.

    2. Not Karen*

      I use pine pellets and don’t scoop at all. Every 6-7 days I empty and refresh the whole box.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      It really depends how many cats you have. I have 10 cats and although I have 12 litter boxes, I wouldn’t dream of skipping more than a day of scooping. But that’s because I have a few cats that seem to pee a river. Plus the boxes in one particular room seem to get a lot more usage, even though the other boxes are easy to get to and in plain sight.

      I wouldn’t invest in an automatic litter box unless you have only one cat. I had several boxes at one time and they constantly got stuck because they started scooping too soon after the cat left the box, so the litter didn’t have time to clump properly. And when they got stuck, they’d keep trying and trying, raking back and forth, until you went in and scooped out whatever was making it get stuck.

      (A friend of mine has one cat, but lets the litter box go for a week, at least, and it’s absolutely disgusting. I can’t imagine how the cat feels, having to pick his way around sticky land mines to find a semi-clean spot in the box.)

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’d be wary of leaving them longer than two nights without someone coming in to check on them daily. Something could go wrong that you wouldn’t know about otherwise — power outage so the feeder isn’t working, water gets knocked over, etc.

      I once came back from two nights away to find Sam in real distress — I’d left a bunch of bowls of water out but Lucy had put toys in all of them, which sucked up the water, and Sam was dehydrated to the point of being seriously ill and I had to rush him to the emergency vet. So ever since then, I have a cat sitter come in if I’m gone more than one night, although that’s probably overkill. But two nights would be the most I’d recommend to less paranoid people.

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        That’s awful that Sam got so sick, but our boy Martin used to take his favorite stuffed toy and put it in either his food dish or the water bowl. It was like he was making sure his “friend” got food and water too. In fact, we chose him from the shelter because he had adorably put his toy in his water bowl. Any idea why Lucy put toys everywhere?

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I have researched this online to try to figure out why! Apparently no one really knows why some cats do it, but one theory is that it’s a “safe” place to store the toy; it’s like bringing it back to the nest. But she also likes to dunk toys until they’re sopping wet and then carry them around, so I’m baffled.

    5. Episkey*

      Well, we feed our cats raw, so even if we’re gone one night, we have cat sitters come in. We found a local company that does a good job and they have a system where we get a QR code on a magnet for our fridge and they scan it when the arrive & depart so we know for sure they’ve been there. They also email a daily report with a few pictures.

      I would say it also depends on your cats and how finicky they are with how clean the litter boxes need to be, but I wouldn’t leave my cats for more than 2 nights without being checked on by someone.

    7. Red*

      Eh. My cat doesn’t care at all about litter box cleanliness and it truly doesn’t stink (many props to her food and litter manufacturers, lol), so Mr. Red scoops it every 5 days or so. Even so, I won’t leave her more than 2 nights without having someone stop by once or twice, just because of all the things that could harm her. She’s an idiot who ought not to be left to her own devices.

  70. Theresa*

    I really want to get a massage, but I can’t figure out how to ask for the type I want. Are there any massage experts out there who could help me out? I’ve only had 2 or 3 massages in my life and I’ve found them all to be really painful. I just feel so SQUISHED. Last summer I had to get physical therapy for my back (nothing serious, my spine was too “straight”) and the physical therapist would give me a little massage whenever I went and it felt so good. She was so gentle and it was soooooo relaxing, I didn’t feel like I was being squished or like I was in any sort of pain.

    What kind of massage do I need to ask for? I doubt I call call up the physical therapist (I haven’t seen her since July) and ask her for a massage, lol. Maybe I just need to ask for a really light pressure gentle massage, but I’ve always felt pressured by the massage therapists I’ve seen to get at least a medium pressure massage. I don’t know! Maybe massages aren’t for me.

    1. Colette*

      Most massage therapists should respect what you want. Tell them you want a relaxation massage with light pressure, and it it’s too hard (or not hard enough) tell them that at the time.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Massage devotee here. Most massage therapists are really interested in getting feedback from you so they can make sure the experience is what you want! Tell them at the beginning that past massages have been too painful for you and that you need it to be very light touch. Once they know that, they’ll work with you on the pressure at the start to make sure that they’re getting it right (meaning that they’ll ask you if you want more or less pressure when they’re getting started so that you can direct them).

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Tell them this before you set the appointment.
      Some people do deep tissue massage. I don’t like that on just any point in my back. I have a couple spots where deep is okay. Other than that NO. Just no.

      Also load up on water before and after the massage. It’s amazing how different our pain levels can be when we are properly hydrated.
      Try to rest once you get home from your massage, also.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        OH HELL YEAH ON THE WATER.

        Even though I had to pee in the middle of my most recent one, it made a huge difference. I found out the hard way the first time I went to this spa for a Swedish massage that you’re supposed to hydrate. The headache afterward was massive. This time was much better (and the massage guy was cute, too, heh heh. Yes, I’m incorrigible LOL).

    4. Belle di Vedremo*

      You could certainly call the physical therapist, tell her what you’re looking for and how her massage made you feel, and ask if she has any recommendations. She might recommend herself, and then you’d be set (assuming your state allows you to see a PT without a prescription).

      You could also look for info on local massage therapists online, and see which ones talk about additional training and of what sort.

      Talk before you buy: when you call to make an appt, talk about your concerns and ask about the therapist’s experience with clients like you.

  71. Anonyby*

    So on yesterday’s update, there was a bit of a gaming sidetrack in the comments, so I thought I’d ask here.

    What’s your favorite gaming story about handling players that get to big for their britches? Favorite way that you’ve stumped your gm/had them respond to you going crazy?

    Here’s mine. So I was in a game where we were a bunch of thieves (story was approached like a tv show, with each session being an ‘episode’, and ran for two ‘seasons’). First season we were part of a thieves guild in a city-state, but at the finale got exiled and made a spectacular escape out in a ship that could convert between seafaring and airship (it was a very steampunk-aesthetic game). So second season we were island hopping and exploring the world as more of a pirate-y flavor, and had just had the mid-season mini-climax where we got sent on a job, and so our GM had planned a breather episode where we were just supposed to have wacky adventures around an island. GM had set it up as a bit of a drama between the natives of the island and the naval power imposing martial law.

    One of our team members found the secret party of the high-up naval officers and forced the admiral to sign over half his fleet to us (total of 5 ships). :D It was glorious! And in repayment for this ballsy move, our GM sic’d an oversized, overpowered Mother of Oblivion on us (think a Lovecraftian version of a kraken). He gave in when we came out of that fight only down one ship. (And the person whose ship was lost went and stole another one a couple games later, bringing us back up.)

    And as for how we handled those ships… Well, several characters with the leadership feat, and plenty of casting of spells that provide unseen crews. :D

    1. JanetM*

      Oh, gosh, it’s been ages since I’ve gamed, but I’ll point this thread out to a couple of friends who do.

      I assume you’ve read The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo? :-)

      1. Jerry Hollombe*

        My oldest gaming friend, Richard Aronson, wrote up “The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo” (and spends some hours each year defending his copyright). One of my other old and, sadly, deceased gaming friends, Ed Whitchurch, was the GM it happened to. Ed Chu (whom I’ve never met) and I both lay claim to being the first to post the tale to the Internet, which turned it into the most famous gaming story of all time.

        1. Anonyby*

          That is so cool!

          The closest I have to a story like that is that one of my friends gamed once with one of DnD’s creators. (I think it was Gygax, but I’m not 100% sure which one.)

    2. Science!*

      This is a GM stumping story:
      We were playing DnD 3rd edition. I was a gnome Druid and my animal companion died so I was preparing to find a new one. Because we were in a swampy aquatic area and I’d just gained a level, I opted for an alligator. Who turned out to be awesome and brokenly overpowered. My GM was talking about nerfing him, but we were on our final adventure anyway as we prepared to move over to 4th edition.

      But he tried to nerf me anyway by staging the adventure in a tower where the only entrance was a large window on the second floor that we would have to climb to. Which meant leaving my beloved alligator behind :(.

      BUT! Our wizard had the fly spell. So we flew my alligator up to the window and he proceeded to wreck havoc. Best final adventure ever!

  72. Nicole*

    I’ve got company arriving shortly so I can’t check replies to this or my other post until tomorrow but I wanted to quickly ask the dog owners for some advice. My puppy chews carpet wherever it meets the floor (and the corner of throw rugs). She stops when I tell her no but goes right back to it once I’m not looking. She has many toys of different textures but she just loves carpet. It’s especially dangerous when she lies under the stairs because she pulled out a staple! Luckily I caught it before she hurt herself. Does bitter apple help? I’ve blocked her from the stairs for now but I can’t even entertain the idea of giving her more freedom until she stops this. Thanks!

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      Bitter apple spray works for animals who don’t like the taste of bitter apples. That was 1 out of 2 for me

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        Oh, and while thinking about the cat I had that LOVED the taste of bitter apple spray, so it only made him chew on the electrical cords more… I remembered a trick I once heard to stop the chewing of carpet like that. Try putting double sided tape over the area where the dog would start to chew.

        (Which wouldn’t have worked on the cat- what reminded me was his addiction to adhesive, and how he’d lick all the adhesive off tape…)

    3. Rabbit*

      If your dog turns out to be one of the ones who likes bitter apple (we run about 50/50 in my family) you can try bitter yuck or bitter lemon! Or heck, we wound up using red pepper flakes with one dog – that worked like a charm.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      She’s probably cutting teeth, so her impulse to chew is very strong. It might be a bit before you get it under control. If the bitter apple does not work, I bet vinegar might. My guy won’t touch anything with vinegar on it.

      I have been giving my dogs raw hide chewies. But I am not totally happy with that product. My vet recommended pork products, I got him a pig’s ear and someone’s trachea. The trachea was gone in a heartbeat.

      I don’t like giving real young pups anything to chew on when I am not home. I have never had a problem but I worry anyway.

      Lots of exercise will help curb the desire to chew. Chewing is a way to burn off energy, if they are already tired, they can be less apt to chew.

    5. LadyKelvin*

      Bitter apple and tobacco sauce didn’t work for our dog because she liked the taste, so we ended up ramping up to a haberñaro sauce. Eventually we could just show her the bottle or use it as a guard and she wouldn’t go near it. I’d suggest bitter apple to start then go to spicy sauces if it doesn’t work.

    6. Nicole*

      Thanks for the responses. I might try the vinegar since I already have it in the house but I’ll need to check that it won’t ruin the rug.

      She is 6 months old now so most, if not all, of her baby teeth are gone, and I give her plenty of chew toys besides her regular ones but she loves carpet, and chewing on her wire crate. :(

  73. Dazed and Confused*

    I want an opinion here. I’m a woman who lives with my parents. I’m in my mid-20s. My younger sister (fresh college grad) is consistently annoying me by lecturing me about my life choices. I find it incredibly obnoxious given her age and general lack of life skills. I will admit I eat to much junk food, but that’s my business and I’ve never asked for her opinion. She’s critical of my social life and constantly demands to know where I’m going and who I’m seeing. She’s also taken to lecturing me about proper work attire. I’ve been in my career professional career field for 3 years now and I think I’d know proper attire for it better than she would. I’ve never been spoken to about unprofessional attire in any of my jobs. Any advice on how to reign in her unsolicited and very unwelcome criticisms?

    1. fposte*

      “Thanks for the advice, sis. Want a Cheeto?”

      Not entirely joking there. A disengagement via a bland “Thanks for your thought” and moving on is likelier to change things than telling her not to criticize you. “Uh-huh, interesting” is another entry there.

      Another possibility, if you’ve historically gotten along well and this is a blip, is to talk to her when things are going well. “You know, I feel like you’re putting a lot of energy into criticizing me these days, like today with the Cheetos, and it’s making it harder for me to want to be close to you the way we usually are. What’s up with that?” While she may not say it, my suspicion is that what’s up with that is she’s taking her shiny new adulthood out for a drive, she thinks she knows more about traffic than she really does, and she may even be nervous about it.

    2. neverjaunty*

      “Sis, I really don’t want a lecture or advice. So, how was that TV show you just saw?”

    3. AstroDeco*

      This is not much different than “My colleague gives unwanted critiques.” Many concepts from AAM posts can be easily adapted for personal relationships (thanks, AAM!!).

      I like fposte’s suggestion, especially because it asks for accountability. After that conversation, hold your ground: “Please stop telling me how I should do things. Why can’t you do this?”

      After that, deflect: “Want a Cheeto? How was that TV show?”
      & Now I want a Cheeto; to be more specific, I want a bag of Cheetos…

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I need to do this. I get the lecture-y stuff too sometimes from a younger sib. Soooo annoying. I managed not to kill her at Thanksgiving, LOL.
        And now I want Cheetos too, darn it!

        1. Jo*

          My sister does nothing but lecture me; however, she’s older, so I don’t know if that makes it better? I mostly get around it by living on the other side of the world and rarely calling her. It works.

    4. HannahS*

      Don’t get sucked in to defending your positions. The point is that her advice and intrusion isn’t welcome, period. When getting people to stop unfortunate behaviours, I’ve found that letting them stew in the discomfort they’ve created works fairly well.

      avoidance can look like:
      “Where are you going?”
      “Out. See you later!”
      “Who are you going with?”
      “Oh, don’t worry about it. I’ll be back later.” (don’t answer further questions as you get your coat on, yell “Bye Mom!” as you leave)

      facing it head-on can look like:
      “You shouldn’t eat chips for dinner.”
      “OK, well, I’m a grown-up, and I decided that today I’m having chips for dinner.”
      “BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR HEALTH BLAH BLAH–”
      “Blennifer, I wasn’t asking for your advice.”
      “I’M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU!”
      (stare at her for a sec, then leave)

      1. the gold digger*

        I am always so impressed how the (scripted) cops and FBI agents do not get sucked into answering questions the suspect asks. Agent Cho is the most amazing at this. He keeps a total poker face, completely ignores any questions a suspect asks, and sticks to his mission.

    5. Perse's Mom*

      Some of this is going to depend on how well you normally get along with her, and how you get on with your parents (is she echoing them or do they trust your judgment and it’s just her behavior that’s annoying? do your parents ignore her behavior, or do they tell her to back off?).

      If your parents are basically leaving it to you to sort it out (ideally they do, since you’re both adults and the behavior is irritating but not abusive), Hannah has some good language below.
      It mainly depends on how aggressive you want to be about it.

      You *can* simply ignore her, as difficult as that can be with annoying siblings. Or you can do the cold stare or the arched ‘who asked you?’ eyebrow.

      Or you can vocalize it.
      “How is [my social life/wardrobe/plan for the evening] any of your business?”
      “Did you graduate with a degree in nutrition?/Are you my doctor? Then please don’t talk to me like you did/are.”
      “Did you get hired at my company and no one told me? No? Then why do you presume to know what ‘proper work attire’ is for me?”

      If you normally get along with her and want to impart some wisdom when she’s being reasonable, you could explain to her that you know she means well, but that wardrobe expectations can vary a lot between companies and between positions within the same company. It’s up to management to make those expectations clear, and your manager has no complaints about your wardrobe, so clearly what you’re wearing to work IS proper work attire.

      ^This might be one of those things that falls into that post here not long ago about early career misconceptions. The personal life stuff is, I think, more egregious – it’s always harder to shut down family over that; it’s literally personal.

    6. Dizzy Steinway*

      “I don’t need advice about that.”
      “I have that covered.”

      Google grey rock and also medium chill.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I think you should tire her out.
      “Why do you keep giving me advice? What is missing in your life that you feel compelled to fix MINE? I think we need to have a deep and thorough discussion of these questions before I am going to listen to another one of your lectures.”

      OR
      “There you go again, trying to save me from myself, you rescuer, you! It might not be a bad idea to see a counselor about your compulsive advice giving/need to rescue people.”

      Then, later:
      “Still compulsively giving unsolicited advice to a fellow adult, eh? Have you tried this at work?”

      “What’s broken in you that you are in overdrive trying to fix me?”

      At some point, the endless streams of advice stops being about us and starts being more about them. Don’t let her topic of the day itself blind you to the fact that this is a behavior pattern and it’s really NOT COOL. Find ways to turn it around so that she HAS to think and has to alter what she is doing. Make her look inwards.

  75. Sunflower*

    Looking for advice from long-term therapy go-ers

    I went into therapy last week preparing to tell my therapist I was feeling at a standstill with her and she seemed bored. Before we got into that, she mentioned(as she had before) that a lot of my issues are because of my childhood and she thinks it’s a good time(I’ve been going to her for 1.5 years) to start digging into that. We’ve touched a bit on my childhood but I’ve told her I don’t remember a lot of it(which she said points to difficult memories). So I started talking and she was quite interested. I’ve told her in the past that I know what my problems are- my father treated us like we were burdens, it wasn’t okay for me to be different or have different wants/needs, my mother is manipulative.

    I’m not really sure what she means by ‘digging’ into this and I was still confused after she explained it to me. I know how my childhood issues relate to my issues now- I’m not in denial about it so I’m having trouble seeing how talking about it is going to help. Also usually when our session ends, she makes some overall thoughts and it’s done. This time, she asked me how I felt about this session and talking about my family and how she really wants to start this ‘journey’. To be honest, it kind of freaked me out and I’m totally confused what to expect going forward.

    I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or experiences of others but I’m not sure where to go in therapy from here. I don’t really want to waste the next year telling her about my childhood and coming out knowing exactly what I know now. I don’t know what to expect and I’m not really sure how to put all of these thoughts together and talk to her about it.

    1. TheLazyB*

      I had counselling recently (a bit different I know) and she focussed heavily on my mother, which I Did Not Expect. I knew I’d had issues, and I didn’t think I needed to explore it, I thought I was ok with it all.

      I wasn’t.

      6 weeks of talking about my mum and I feel like my life makes more sense. I’ve had A LOT of talking therapies of various kinds in my life and honestly, this short session got me further than anything else.

      All this isn’t to say you need to do that. But sometimes, actually it helps, even if you think you know how it’s affected you.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        That wasn’t clear. I meant there were a lot of things I just couldn’t talk about. I did discuss some painful things, but more went undiscussed.

      2. the gold digger*

        I went to a therapist to figure out why I couldn’t maintain a relationship. I took her a spreadsheet of all my relationships, including data I thought might be relevant, like ages, duration of relationship, whether/when we had slept together, etc. I wanted to be efficient.

        Who knew that I was really ticked off at my mother (not anymore – dug into it, figured it out, and resolved it) and that having a father who was frequently away from home because of his job (he was in the air force – temporary assignments at other bases, a year in Vietnam when I was five) had an impact on my expectations of How Life Works. (Ie, it really is not good for children for a parent to be absent!)

    2. Today's anon*

      To me, it’s not so much about knowing the issues because you know them at least in broad strokes but how they were still affecting me today. For example, a friend says something and I become outraged and bring it to therapy and then my therapist may notice that I seem way more outraged than the thing warrants so we start to figure out why am i having such a strong reaction? it usually ties to something in my childhood, maybe my mother when she said similar thing than my friend did, it meant she was angry with me so I unconsciously think my friend is angry with me and react that way. But of course my friend is his own person so now I have to opportunity to react to my friend directly not to my friend via my mother, and basically stay focused on the present and not repeat the past. To me, this is where the change really happens. The thing that seems really central is my therapist noticing these things that are slightly off or contradictory and us digging in together to figure out what is going on. But apart from the very beginning of therapy I didn’t spend time talking so much about my mother in generics, it’s more that i bring in situations that make me angry/sad/confused etc. and we dig. This is really hard, painful and slow work but the benefits have been enormous to me.

    3. Therapy-Anon*

      This might be worth exploring if you’re comfortable with your therapist & think she’s competent in her profession. If so, trust her to lead you in doing this, at least for a few more sessions so you can determine if you think she’s on track.
      Our emotional lives aren’t linear, they’re faceted & as such there are all kinds of connections we might not make until there are reasons & evidence to make them. Your therapist has identified some facets you haven’t yet explored. She wants to go “digging” so she can determine if certain memories are relevant to your current therapy goal.
      digging = exploring = discussing

      Communication is vital here. A good therapist wants you to discuss any concerns & to answer your questions. You could ask her to clarify “digging” & ask what put her on this path. If she can’t answer these well, then you might want to search for another therapist. A good therapist also understands that sometimes a patient needs to talk with a few therapists before finding one with whom that patient is comfortable.

    4. Dizzy Steinway*

      It partly depends on how you talk about it. If you’re making sense of how it’s affected you and processing different feelings and memories – like getting things out of a drawer that’s all jumbled and putting them where they go – that can be helpful. If you’re talking without feeling supported and without feeling like there’s a purpose, then potentially less so.

      It’s worth noting that therapy isn’t just about what you discuss but also (and arguably more so) how you discuss it: the experience of being accepted, heard and helped can be hugely valuable. I didn’t discuss a lot of painful things in my own therapy but the process of being there and interacting with my therapist helped me work through the after effects. He was heavily influenced by Gestalt which is more about the present moment and the relationship.

      It’s true that a lack of memories suggests there’s trauma. If you’re going to go there, it needs to be because you feel like that’s what you need to do and you need to feel like you have a good foundation with your therapist. Do you feel like you’d want to try to get into the past if it would help, or do you not feel okay with that?

      Here’s what struck me reading your post: you grew up with parents whose wishes and needs came first and you didn’t get a say. And now in this situation your therapist has said what she thinks should happen and you aren’t sure if that’s what you want. Which puts you in a situation where having ‘different’ needs may not feel okay. This is your therapy. What do you want to talk about? Do you feel safe and able to trust your therapist? If you don’t know what she means by this journey it’s totally okay to ask. What would this involve?

      I also noticed you mentioned her seeming bored and also that she seemed interested when you talked about childhood. I wondered if you felt like it was your job to keep her interested or entertained? Or if those feelings that she was bored, and/or interested, reminded you of anyone/anything else?

      My own training in therapy does not permit me to give expert advice so I’d like to be clear that while this comes from an informed perspective it’s intended as peer to peer advice. I also can’t advise you on whether to change therapist. I saw a therapist gave advice about that last week, possibly to you, but it’s not really possible for anyone to know that if they haven’t been there in the room with you.

      What I will say is that whatever is said in the room is part of therapy and none of it should be a waste, if your therapist is right for you. It might be worth thinking about the kind of approach she uses – if you don’t know, you could ask her – and whether it’s what you want.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        I do also think the impasse could be because you’ve got far enough that not going into the painful stuff is creating that feeling. But that may also be way off.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I think you should ask her point blank how all this digging is going to help YOU, as opposed to “well it generally helps most people”.

      Tell her the part you said here about spending a year talking about this and not knowing anything more than you do now. Give her a fair shot at answering these questions.

      I read books on mother-daughter relationships and those books gave me a lot of insight as to how parent-child relationships shape us even on into old age. And we have no idea how much.

      One of my best take-a-ways was that motherless daughters (people who actually had no mother or who were pretty much abandoned by their mother) should practice being a good parent to themselves. This means making sure I have food and clothes but it also means teaching myself the things my mother could not be bothered to teach me. This meant setting my pride to one side, admitting “I don’t know” and curling up with a book or cruising the internet for hours in effort to fill in my own blanks. After a bit this actually got to be fun, as I started looking at all kinds of things.
      This is just one example of where I figured out something missing from my life and then developed a plan to fill the need.

      One of the biggest problems I had with the two therapists I went to was that there was NO action plan. All we did was sit and talk and talk. It was exhausting, there seemed to be no purpose and there seemed to be no end to it. I much prefer getting to a plan and working on the plan. The second therapist said to me “why are you here?” on my EIGHTH appointment with him. I had been telling him for seven appointments. So I repeated, “I am putting in 20-22 hour days and getting nothing done.” He said, “You are a woman. You need to accept your lot in life.” I walked out in the middle of the appointment. I wasted thousands of dollars on that.

      And here is my punchline, sorry for the long read, I now understand that I wanted to look at my future, not my past. I wanted to figure out where I would like to go and how to get there. I have the opposite of your setting where I remember lots about my childhood. The problem is that these are memories, they are not instructions. I wanted instructions to over come my lack of experience/exposure/knowledge to things that most people consider mundane. I wanted to get on with life, not spend hours talking about the stupid thing my mother did when I was five. I wanted to move on.

      I met my wise friend. My wise friend said that it’s healthy to want to build a plan for the future and to want to round out our lives. If we keep talking about things in the past we can end up feeling stuck because we are dwelling on things in the past. So I took charge of my diet and exercise. Took charge of my home and contents. And then moved on to taking charge of other things in my life.

      Think about your goals, what do you hope to accomplish with therapy? This is a square one question, as in what is the baseline thing that you want here? You don’t have to answer here, of course. But seriously think about where you hope to get to with therapy. I wish I had sooner.

      1. TheLazyB*

        NSNR i think you might be my favourite person that I’m unlikely to ever meet. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here.

      2. Dizzy Steinway*

        Holy sh*t, you’ve just caused me to have the biggest breakthrough in my own ‘stuff’. Sorry to go on a tangent but when you said this: “This means making sure I have food and clothes but it also means teaching myself the things my mother could not be bothered to teach me” something really massive clicked into place for me.

        I know I have to teach myself this stuff. I have felt years feeling exhausted, annoyed and frustrated at having to do so..

        I thought I felt this way just because I can find it quite difficult and frustrating learning things others find simple and, worse, obvious. Why can’t I just know it already, like everyone else I know seems to?

        I thought these were the feelings of the student. They are not. I am not a frustrated student of adulting. I am a frustrated teacher of adulting. One who does not want to bother teaching the person who needs it, who is frustrated with that person and either doesn’t know how to teach them or can’t be bothered, finds it an imposition, because they need too much.

        Well, holy cr*p. I’m treating myself like my parents. I need to find the part of me that wants to learn and answer her questions. To stop the negative self-talk about what I should know and ask myself what I want to know. I’m literally sitting here crying. You have no idea what a difference you’ve just made.

        I guess this also illustrates how thinking or talking about this stuff can help make connections and release emotions.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep. It’s exhausting, annoying and frustrating. It’s all that. Keep doing teaching you, because that will change. But it will only change BECAUSE you keep doing it.
          It’s not fair and it’s fine, even healthy, to grieve that unfairness. Then go back to teaching yourself more stuff.

          I will say this, keep reading AAM. You will shorten your learning curve on a lot of stuff. It’s a safe place to be and a safe place to ask questions. In the few years I have read here, I have learned more than I learned in most of my life. That is how much is here.

          Anyway, I am sniffling here, too. I am very happy that you broke free of your stinkin’ thinkin’. If the stinkin’ thinkin’ comes back, immediately go teach yourself something. That is the ultimate rebuttal to all that negative sh!t we absorbed earlier in life.

    6. 30ish*

      It sounds to me like you’re not 100% comfortable with your therapist. It might be a good idea to try out someone else.
      I went to therapy for a year and didn’t make much progress. Got a new therapist and already feel like things have changed after 2 months. Granted, I got on meds for my depression, which is likely the biggest factor here, but the psychotherapy is much better as well. I immediately clicked with the therapist and feel like I could tell him anything – no idea as to why, it’s just the atmosphere he creates. So worth it to work with someone who is a good fit for you personally.

    7. Sunflower*

      Thanks to everyone for your comments. Reading through all of this has brought up a lot more questions- which I think is good. I’m going to go back to my therapist with all of my questions and hopefully that makes me feel better about where this is going.

      I do like my therapist and I feel like she’s been very helpful with in the moment scenarios. I was involved in a not so great romantic relationship and she helped me through that. But that relationship is over- and I understand why but I’m still struggling to accept it. We both agree that I’m at a point where I’ve realized I’m stuck in this pattern of only being attracted to men who can’t give me what I want and I need to figure out how to stop. Maybe where I’m running into the wall is that I feel this can be achieved by looking forward and figuring out what to do in the future and she thinks we need to dig into my past first. I don’t disagree with her and I’m willing to give it a try but I also am going to bring up all of my concerns with her which I think will help immensely.

    8. Anon attorney*

      You can know something in your mind without understanding how it drives your behaviour. Maybe your therapist is suggesting that you need to work together to make some more connections between what you know and what you do. Denial comes in different forms and can have many layers. It might be worth talking to her at the next session about why you feel you don’t want to do this? Could it be a form of avoidance? (I say this as an expert avoider, not to judge you.)

    9. TL -*

      I guess the question is – are you trying to address a set of behaviors or behavior that you understand but need help overcoming (like a specific anxiety or choices you struggle with but just need a clear path forward on) or are you trying to figure out a broader, undefined pattern in your life that you struggle with? If you have a goal in therapy, are you going to be able to explore tangents easily or are you going to get single-mindedly focused on that goal and not explore things you don’t think are relevant, even though they might be? I’m the latter; my friend is the former.
      My therapist and I didn’t really have any goals – he asked once and I was like, I dunno, I just don’t want to be bothered by this any more. I told my story, he asked really excellent questions and made connections I didn’t make that were incredibly insightful. We didn’t really have a plan or goals but I made a lot of great progress and I’m really glad I went. I’m also much more okay now!
      My friend also talks in therapy but she definitely seeks out more structured, goal-driven therapy; she can usually pinpoint a specific reason why she’s going (ie, I’m struggling dealing with stress right now and I want to not have stress rule over my life). She’s made a lot of great progress and is really glad that she went and is much more okay now!

  76. Not Karen*

    I went to look at an apartment today that was being advertised as 885 sqft. It was definitely smaller than my current apartment, which is supposedly 850, which I’m pretty sure is also inflated. Ugh.

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      It’s all about layout. We moved from 900 sq feet into 710 sq feet once, and had more usable space, because it was a better layout.

      1. Not Karen*

        Except the room dimensions are written in the floor plans, so you can calculate the actual square footage yourself and it doesn’t match up.

        1. really*

          Square footage is actually calculated from the outside. It’s easier to understand with houses. They measure the outside of the house (perimeter). And remember when you are looking at the dimensions of the rooms you are not including closets, hallways, bathrooms which are all part of the square footage.

  77. Mimmy*

    Looking for some etiquette advice on Shiva. The partner of an older friend of mine just passed away, and the family are sitting Shiva (part of Jewish tradition) on Monday and Tuesday, and I’m thinking of visiting on one of the two nights.

    I have never attended Shiva before, so I am wondering what exactly it’s all about. I’ve read that it’s when the immediate family of the individual who passed receive visitors during set time periods. I’m envisioning it to be similar to a wake, where visitors are welcome to come and go at any time during the announced days and hours. Am I right? Are there any other traditions I should be aware of?

    1. Gilmore67*

      Google Shiva and you can get an idea of what you should or shouldn’t do and what to expect. I do not know how religious this person was so it is difficult to say what to expect.

      But basically, do not bring in food and do not take any. . It sounds silly to say not to take food out and I am sure you wouldn’t even think if it just one of those things I remember. You might need to wash your hands before entering the house. There will be table outside the doorway entering the house.

      I really would just go in, greet the bereaved and say all the normal things you say at any type of funeral situation.

      If they are praying and you will see a group of people together and saying prayers obviously stay apart from that. It is called a minyon. It is what they will do during the Shiva time frame.

      Again not knowing how orthodox they are who knows what you will see. Just take the cue from other people and go from there.

      Believe me just going there to extend your condolences will be enough for them. They will understand you don’t know all the traditions for a shiva.

      Growing up like I did pretty religious side my family wouldn’t bat an eye to a person that came in to extend sympathies that didn’t know anything about a shiva. Just being there is alone a good thing.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        I thought shiva was partly about taking food? Or is it that it wouldn’t be kosher?

        1. Zathras*

          I’m not Jewish, but I went to a Shiva not that long ago and did some research at the time. From what I remember it’s technically traditional to bring food, but the concerns are:
          A) even if the mourners you know don’t normally keep kosher, they may wish to for this occasion
          B) even if not, there could be other relatives present who do keep kosher
          C) even if you read up on the rules about ingredients, your pots and kitchen implements are almost certainly not kosher

          So I guess the takeaway is, it’s traditional to bring food, but you shouldn’t feel obligated to bring food if you’re not sure it would be acceptable. (I ended up bringing prepared food from a specialty Kosher shop in the area.)

          Another thing I learned was that there is an emphasis on not placing any burdens on the mourning family. They may skip many or all of the traditional “host duties” like welcoming you when you come in, offering you some water, etc. As others said, if they feel like talking you listen, and if they don’t you just sit. So it’s possible you might walk in while they are being silent or engaging in prayer and you should just sit quietly until they are ready to engage with you.

          I’m sure the family will appreciate your presence and understand that you are unfamiliar with the traditions, so the bottom line is don’t worry too much, just be polite and do what the people around you are doing.

      2. Call me St. Vincent*

        It is tradition to bring food, but may depend how formal the shiva is, and there is no reason not to take food, if offered.

    2. rubyrose*

      Gilmore67 has it right about following other people’s example.
      One thing that I remember from my studies is that it is about giving space to the grieving. If they don’t want to talk, don’t try to force conversation. If they want to talk, listen to them. What is most important is really that you have shown respect by coming.

    3. Dizzy Steinway*

      Don’t take flowers. Also, a good phrase to know is “I wish you long life,” which is the done thing to say to those in mourning.

      2. Call me St. Vincent*

        I’m Jewish and I’ve never heard of this phrase before and would find it kind of odd for someone to say at shiva?

        1. Dizzy Steinway*

          Really? To my knowledge people say it when someone has died. I’ve heard it a lot.

          1. Call me St. Vincent*

            Yeah, never heard that one. Maybe it’s regional? Is it something said in English or is there a Yiddish phrase that’s been translated?

      3. Call me St. Vincent*

        It depends what ethnicity they are. For instance, Persian Jews are fine with flowers. As far as Ashkenazi Jews though, no flowers.

      4. Observer*

        I’m Orthodox, and I’ve never heard of that one.

        The standard traditional line said when leaving (often in Hebrew) is “May the Almighty comfort you among the mourners of Zion.” A common add on (in whatever the the vernacular is) “May you know no more sorrow.”

    4. HannahS*

      A lot of it depends on how observant they are, but here are some common rules of thumb:
      -yes, it’s basically an “open house” where people are expected to come and go
      -don’t bring flowers
      -it’s traditional to bring food, but if you’re not sure how (if any) kosher they keep, better not to

      In terms of summarizing what it is:
      -practically, the mourners stay home for a week (shiva literally comes for the words for “sit” and “seven”) and non-mourners bring them food and support
      -philosophically/religiously, Jewish mourning is structured around the idea that the mourner will ultimately return to their normal life, but needs to grieve, too. The first week is reserved for total grief. Mourners aren’t expected to go to work or even feed themselves. Over the course of the next few weeks (or up to a year, for the death of a parent) they’re expected resume normal activities, but are exempted from joyous occasions under most circumstances (which would often be considered a religious obligation–like attending and celebrating a Bar Mitzvah)

      1. HannahS*

        Oh, also! It’s very common for people to make donations in the name of the deceased to charities that would have been meaningful to them. Intervals of 18 are traiditional in Judaism, because when you sub-in numbers for letters, 18 spells “life” in Hebrew.

    5. Zathras*

      Another thing I remembered – there are traditions involving not shaving / not cutting your hair for some period of time afterward (I think just for men?).

      I had noted this in passing in my reading but it turned out to be useful to know because the mourner I knew didn’t shave for a long time after and he is someone I encounter regularly at work. It was useful for me to understand that this was part of a ritual grieving process and not necessarily a sign that my colleague was so emotionally distraught over the loss that he was neglecting his personal hygiene routine.

  78. Bigglesworth*

    Hey everyone! Any tips on moving to the DC area? He’s an electrical apprentice, but independent (but looking at going union if that’s what will get him a job in DC). I’m moving with there thus summer for law school with my husband and we’d appreciate any advice.

    1. hermit crab*

      You are the one who was asking about GMU Law, right? Are you thinking about moving to Arlington, or do you want to live in the District? I’ve lived on the Orange Line corridor in Arlington for 5+ years and it’s extremely convenient to everything, though you definitely pay for it in cost of living (but on the other hand, you don’t need a car).

      If you want to save money on rent, I’d recommend looking along bus lines for your commute, rather than prioritizing Metro access. Bus service in Arlington/DC is fantastic and isn’t affected by the ongoing Metro construction/repair issues.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        I am! I finished up my visit to Washington & Lee today and have pretty much decided that GMU is the school for me. :)

        And it’s good to know about the busses in the DC area. I don’t want to live in the District (my husband’s school is in Dulles, VA), but trying to find an apartment along the metro has been difficult. I’ll look into it. Thanks!

      2. Bigglesworth*

        Hey hermit crab! I just saw your response to my Friday question. Glad that you like the DC area! As you can probably tell, I’m really excited, but also incredibly nervous about moving to DC. The last country’s capital I lived in was Vienna, which was a fantastic experience but I know that my European home is very different from DC.

    2. Marcy*

      Metro is an absolute disaster right now and the blue line is essentially nonfunctional so avoid living in those areas. You might consider Shirlington or Columbia Pike neighborhoods. Cheaper than the orange line but with great bus access to the GMU law campus, and they are self contained neighborhoods (car free access to grocery store, restaurants, etc.). Remember that in addition to MetroBus there’s also the ARTbus service which is Arlington centric.

      You might also reach out to realtors. The area near the GMU campus has lots of townhouses that are rented out to the students. Don’t limit yourself to just the high rise apartments.

  79. Sled dog mama*

    Working all weekend ugh! But it means I actually get time off during the week so I get to take kiddo to preschool and the park Monday! So excited to spend a day with her.

  80. TheLazyB*

    Can you stop being an extrovert?

    Like, not deliberately. But can it just happen?

    I used to be so very extroverted. I used to get such energy off being around people and in big crowds. But since having my son I just want everyone to leave me the f alone and let me have some peace!

    It’s weird because when I do extraversion tests these days I come out as am ambivert but I find them really hard to answer as the weight of 35 years of one way of being skews my answers, I think.

    I dunno. It’s weird. Has anyone else has this?

    1. Jillociraptor*

      I’ve been noticing this with the Judging/Perceiving dimension of Myers Briggs. I’ve always been pretty far on the J side of things. When I had a boss who was a strong P, I went even further to the J side. Then I had a boss who was a total J, and I found myself more in the middle!

      With these dimensions, we have some natural tendencies, and are also influenced by our environment, so it isn’t that surprising that once one’s environment shifts a lot, their needs and preferences might shift too.

    2. dear Liza dear liza*

      Sure. I was never extremely extroverted, but I get so worn out now by crowds. A friend and I were talking about how tiring the political situation is, and how it saps our energy. I think any time demands in you grow, you have less to expend in other areas. Perhaps our energy IS like pie, and you only have so much to go around.

    4. Overeducated*

      I’ve moved in the opposite direction and feel more extroverted than I used to be. I think it’s because I’m more comfortable with new people and less shy and anxious than I used to be. But I also have never been very convinced by personality typologies. We change not just throughout life, but in different contexts all the time. Being a new parent is totally a different context.

    5. Chaordic One*

      I’ve always been more an introvert but after leaving my last toxic job, where I was overworked and had become extremely burnt-out, I think I’ve evolved to where I’m more introverted now than I was before I had that job. I’m still recovering from PTSD and I hope that over time I’ll become more like my old self, more outgoing and energetic, more like how I was before my time in bad old toxic job.

    6. Belle di Vedremo*

      My experience is a good chunk of those labels are contextual.

      Are you spending all your extroversion on your son?
      Raising children is a great way to use up most or all of y0ur available energy and attention, and to develop a real joy in solitude. Some parents ebb away from extroversion during early childhood and return to it as the child care demands shift.

      Also, you’ve had a lot going on in your life in addition to your little guy. Give yourself some room to adjust to all the changes.

      1. TheLazyB*

        No kidding. Thank you.
        I hadn’t put that together with it but that’s probably got at least something to do with it.
        Will be interesting to track how it changes over time.

  81. New Bee*

    Thank you Temperance and others for your advice on couponing! Seriously, I am now a believer; it’s saving me so much on groceries and making my meal planning both easier and more adventurous.

      1. New Bee*

        I’m not sure, but it was in a weekend free for all thread about New Year’s resolutions; if you use the search feature and check the January thread it’s probably there. (I will also look later, but right now I’m…north of tipsy.

    2. Temperance*

      Yay! This makes me so happy to hear. I am a huge couponing advocate. Krazy Coupon Lady makes it so easy to get in.

  82. Sibley*

    Well, back to the drawing board regarding buying a house. I’d found one I really liked, but the home inspection turned up a couple of serious problems. Deal fell apart. Oh well, moving on. Going out to look at some houses tomorrow morning, so maybe I’ll get lucky and find one right away.

    In other news, ran a bunch of errands today, then came home and got the mail. My copy of Star Wars Rogue One came! I wasn’t expecting it until later in the week, so really happy :) Of course, turned it on right way.

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      That sucks about the house! You’ll find the right one though and better not to deal with those problems. When we bought our house, the home inspector caught some stuff but missed a lot of others, so at least they were caught! Just keep looking and eventually it’ll happen :) Also, cool about the Star Wars Rogue One! Enjoy!

  83. Kerr*

    I think I paid ~$50 a few years ago for having a bridesmaid’s dress hemmed and the straps taken up, and I’ve paid $30 to have pants hemmed and taken in. It wasn’t the cheapest ever, but seemed reasonable. Taking in the bodice is extra work, especially if there’s a lining, beads, or multiple layers. $80, especially if it’s a firm price, sounds decent.

  84. Aurora Leigh*

    So things are going well with the (new, first) boyfriend! I really appreciate how you all offered me tips for the first date and talking to my mom a few weeks ago!

    We have a lot in common and I feel really comfortable with him. He’s easy to talk to and makes me laugh. We’re in agreement about poltics on the major points. He likes my cats and they like him.

    He’s very respectful of my religious beliefs, but he’s not particularly religious himself. I think I’m okay with that.

    He’s started to talk about me meeting his parents!

    I’m kicking myself for taking that second job (I don’t really need the money, but it lets me keep a hand in my preferred field) because it makes scheduling dates hard. Especially since he works midnights!

    So yeah, I’m gushing, but also happy for any relationship advice anyone would like to dole out.

    1. Charlie Q*

      Use your words. I know that sounds trite, but here’s what I mean: Something small bothers you? Use your words. Right away. Not meanly or critically, just “hey, I don’t really like it when you call me baby/make even well-intended jokes about my cat/mention my nail biting/tickle me, so please don’t do that.” It’s a lot easier to use your words (and be calm/casual/gentle) right away than once it festers. Once I started doing this, I felt SO MUCH BETTER in my relationship. It also helps set you up for bigger boundary-setting when the time comes.

      Also, make an active extra effort to maintain your social circle outside of your dating person. It’s easy to get caught up in new love and forget, but again, it’s a lot easier to maintain a friendship/social circle than reboot it after some neglect.

      Also also, congratulations!! :) :)

      1. Jo*

        Yay, congratulations! That’s such an exciting, lovely, wonderful feeling :D

        Seconding all of Charlie Q’s advice above. Communication is vital. I’m terrible at it; the more upset I am and/or the more important something is, the more I withdraw into myself and the quieter I get, which I think went a long way toward my last (which was also my first and only) relationship ending. As awful, painful, and miserable as that was (and still is, tbh), I did learn a few important lessons from it which I’m more than happy to share.

        Remember that you’re both equal partners in this relationship. I definitely felt like he was way out of my league and as a result my interactions with him were more in the vein of me trying to figure out what he liked/wanted/what I needed to do or say that would keep the relationship going, rather than me just being myself. That was a major misstep on my part, not to mention a disservice to myself. Don’t do that.

        Make sure you’re both on the same page about the relationship and what you want it to be. If one person is much more invested in the relationship than the other is, that’s a direct route to heartbreak. Figure that out early before it gets too serious and hearts get involved.

        If there are any red (or even yellow) flags, be cautious. Don’t blithely assume you can keep your heart unattached unless you know for a fact that’s something you’re capable of. I thought I was capable of it; turns out I am not. Yellow flags were duly ignored; heartbreak thus ensued.

        Don’t do all the giving. That should be equal.

  85. Definitely Anon For This*

    Folks here have offered some online dating advice in the past – any tips specifically for an inexperienced, introverted oddball who is thinking of trying it? At 30 I’m coming to terms with the fact that if I want a life partner (not to mention a sex life) I need to get off my butt and look for one, because life partners don’t seem to fall out of the sky while you are curled up with a novel and a cup of tea. (But if anyone knows how to arrange for that, do please let me know ASAP.)

    Concerns:

    1. I’m a heterosexual woman who doesn’t wear makeup or dress in conventionally sexy clothing. Some women feel empowered by makeup and short skirts or whatever, which is great, but I just feel super uncomfortable. I don’t think I’m especially unattractive, but in person I get zero attention from guys, so I guess on some level I am? Is there a particular site that’s better for women who aren’t very traditionally feminine? What do I do for a photo that doesn’t immediately cause guys to lose interest, but still feels like me?

    2. It takes me a long time to decide if I want someone in my personal space and I tend to be attracted to personalities first and looks later. The (very few) people I dated in the past were all people I already knew. My observations of friends suggest that with online dating there is some expectation of at least kissing by date 2 or 3, sometimes date 1. I am really not comfortable with the idea of any intimate touching with someone I have met 3 times, no matter how physically attractive they are. How much of an issue is this going to be? (Once the kissing is on the table, other more intimate things are likely to be on the table in relatively short order, assuming continued interest – I guess my sex drive just sort of has a waiting period?)

    3. Is the onslaught of unsolicited naked pictures / jerks who respond poorly to rejection as bad as people say? The process of repeatedly meeting strangers is going to use up a lot of emotional bandwidth, I’m not sure how much I will have left to shore up my self-esteem in the face of jerks.

    Any and all advice would be much appreciated

    1. Definitely Anon For This*

      Aaaaaaaaand I will now stare in shame at the missing `.` at the end of the post for all eternity.

    2. Kj*

      I started dating, as a make-up hating woman, late at 26. I went on OKCupid after my roommate at the time dared me. I found dating easier than I expected. About point one, I was mostly fine. I didn’t get tons of interest, but I had enough I could choose some guys to go on dates with. I presented myself as I am. No special make-up, no effort to seem cooler than I am. I am lucky that I am geeky and so are many guys in my city.

      About Photos: You don’t need ‘sexy’ photos and those are not likely to get you what you seem to be looking for anyways. Choose a couple well-lit photos of just you (or you and a pet). Action photos are fine, photos that show off hobbies are good. Make sure they aren’t too old. If you lack photos, get a friend to take some in a park.

      Profile: write as you speak and let who you are be obvious. Ask a friend to read it and tell you if it sounds like you.

      Touching: Honestly, you need to be clear on what you are comfortable with AND know that it could cost you a date or two. That said, I was pretty much the same, I thought, until I met now-husband. I was comfortable enough with him to hold hands after an hour and we kissed at the end of our first (admittedly 8-hour long) date. It is OK to say “can we take this slow” if he seems to be moving faster than you like. Anyone who doesn’t respect that you don’t want to date.

      Jerks: generally, I had a good, although brief, time on on-line dating (now-husband was the third man I went on a date with). No one was a jerk, no **** shots were sent. I wouldn’t reply to men who sent a “sup” or “hey” as a first message. I also prioritized those who had clearly read my profile and were equally engaging with me.

      Also, first dates, IMO, should be active. Do an activity. Coffee dates are boring. Dinner dates are boring. A walk in a park is more likely to get conversation going. A museum gives you something to talk about together and see how the other person thinks. You are less likely to be bored if you are doing something together.

      1. Kj*

        I’m going to add something I just thought of: What clothes do make you feel good? What do you like to wear? I’m not a make-up wearer, but I love a good dress, preferably with a nice drapey skirt down to my knees. I feel good in those sort of dresses and that shows in the way I walk and talk. You want to feel confident on a date- pick something to wear that you like yourself in. You don’t have to look trendy, but you should like what you look like when you go on a date.

        Also, the active dates I mention, mean you should wear comfortable shoes. Hard to be active and happy in heels. Now-husband says he was pleased by my sensible shoes, since they meant our first date could involve walking and being outside.

        1. Definitely Anon For This*

          Thanks for the thoughtful response! You’ve framed how to focus on what is comfortable for me / what I want in a way that is easy to wrap my brain around. And also provided some reassurance that a) I’ll probably get at least some worthwhile responses and b) I will not suddenly be deluged with unsolicited d*** pics.

          I think my issues around clothing are mostly that I really hate drawing attention to myself, and so much of how we dress is about directing attention in one way or another – particularly in this context. My approach to “dressing up” is almost always “what items from my closet meet expectations in this context?” Re-framing it to prioritize how *I* feel about what I’m wearing is a great idea. I guess if he doesn’t like my favorite sweater he probably isn’t a good match, right?

          Interesting to hear that your comfort level with touching moved faster when you met the right guy, maybe it’s just lack of experience dating strangers on my part that’s making me overcautious. I guess the best approach might be to keep an open mind on that one and just focus on what feels comfortable in the moment.

          1. 30ish*

            You mentioned above that you don’t get much attention from guys – with the details you added my theory is that it’s because you don’t like to draw attention to myself, and so guys don’t feel like you’d be open to being approached. It’s probably not much to do with your clothes or lack of makeup (and you anyway likely aren’t interested in guys who want a conventionally sexy style). But internet dating will allow you to avoid this issue to an extent – it’s already clear that you are interested in dating given that you have a profile!

            1. Definitely Anon For This*

              I have wondered about this, I think you’re probably right that I do a good job of making myself invisible in public with a combination of clothes and unconscious body language. (Interestingly I also don’t get the really obnoxious kind of male attention – catcalls, cars honking, public transit harassment – that a number of my friends do.)

              Given that I do OK making/keeping friends it seems more likely than the other conclusion, which is that I am so repulsive that zero men are ever attracted to me. :-)

    3. Ella*

      I met my husband through online dating, in 2010.

      1. I wouldn’t say I dressed particularly sexy for dates, but when I decided I was ready to date, I did things like replace my ill fitting worn out jeans with new, better fitting ones, and getting a haircut. I basically put my best foot forward, appearance-wise. Because my husband definitely loves me for me, but he (and many men) are visual, and if I hadn’t made the initial effort, we may not have connected.

      For photos, I just posted a range. Some with just me, others of me doing a hobby (running at the time), one with friends. It’s been awhile, but I had luck with eharmony over match. My thoughts were that because the fee was higher there was a higher barrier to entry, so it had more ppl on there who were more serious about a relationship/marriage. Friends who have done free sites have seemed to get more dick pics.

      2. If you’re not into kissing that quickly, that’s fine. But be prepared that you may need to otherwise be more explicit in your interest if you turn down a kiss. For example, my now-husband offered to carry my leftovers on our first date. I told him I was fine carrying them myself, which he interpreted as me not being interested in him. It worked out ok only because when I was traveling out of country for work I called him to say hi , and he realized I was still interested! So if you do turn down a kiss I’d explain that you do like them and still want to get to know them on future dates, it just takes you awhile to warm up to kissing when you’ve just met someone.

      3. See my answer to #1. I also had 1 guy respond poorly to rejection. I just figured he was a jerk and that my original instincts had been correct, and I blocked him on g chat.

      Finally, even with bad dates hopefully you’ll have good stories! I will say I recommend being open. If there’s a true deal-breaker, then don’t proceed. But if someone seems ok, give them a chance. My now-husband’s profile & online communication were lackluster. He really only made it to the “next round” because I was giving everyone a chance. He was much much better on the phone & in person. Whereas there were some guys who seemed cool online but were duds in person.

      1. Definitely Anon For This*

        Thanks! That’s a good point about people being potentially very different in person; I have gotten the advice to meet in person as soon as possible, which I think is probably good but might take some self-policing.

    4. Anon reply*

      Oh hi, I’m in the throes of this right now. My very slim data points are as follows:

      I’m geeky and sporty, and I’m fashion challenged. First date I usually wear a long sweater, skinny jeans, and ankle boots (no heel, I can’t wear anything with a heel) and so far no one has mentioned anything. Of the two people I decided I wanted to meet (and there were a few others who were open to it but I decided not to meet), neither of them have cared too much about my dress. The most I wear is a bit of tinted lotion; no real makeup at all. And actually, subsequent dates I stopped with the makeup completely (though we went rock climbing for the second date, so I figure there was no point in makeup when I was wearing shorts and an old t-shirt and covered in chalk…)

      I’m also not very comfortable with physical contact by most people’s timelines (more power to people who can do it, but I can’t), and frankly my waiting period sounds much longer than yours. So far this has not seemed to be a problem, though I think I met men who are similar to me. (For the record, the first kiss was on date 5, and I initiated. I suspect if I hadn’t it’d be a long time in coming, but despite that, I know very well that the guy is very interested.)

      Surprisingly, I have not gotten any naked pictures or epic jerks.

      Short version: not impossible, probably harder. Good luck out there!

    5. HannahS*

      I don’t really have much to say, since I’m currently waiting for my mate to fall from the sky and hand me a dove or something, but I didn’t find that there were any nude pics, or anyone who was actually hostile to me HOWEVER I was on OKCupid, not Tinder–where I hear that kind of thing is more prevalent.

      1. Definitely Anon For This*

        A male friend showed me Tinder one time and I was not impressed. I’m glad it exists for the people that have success with it, power to them, but that is not what I am looking for.

        (It didn’t really work for him either, as it turned out, he spent hours swiping and went on maybe 1 crappy date.)

    6. 30ish*

      I love the blog “Putting yourself together”, if you want some inspiration for outfits. It’s a very down-to-earth style and not focused on appearing sexy at all. Just gives some ideas for how you might combine your pieces in new ways etc.

        1. Definitely Anon For This*

          Thank you, I just took a quick look and it seems like there is a lot of great advice there! I am not someone who consciously thinks about style very much. But I think looking through this blog might be helpful for figuring out 2-3 ‘date outfits’ for different venues/date types from my clothes ahead of time. That way I’m not freaking out about whether my clothes look OK 2 minutes before leaving the house.

    7. Mela*

      1. I also don’t wear make-up and I don’t think I dress sexy (my husband disagrees!) and never put in any extra effort. I wear a lot of dresses in warm weather and jeans and sweaters when it’s cooler. I’ve definitely work Birkenstocks and sneakers on dates and I don’t think it made a lick of difference. I’ve also worn heels and a dress to nice places for dates, so I say dress for the venue, not the person.

      Photo: See link in my name for the most entertaining information on how to choose online dating profile pictures. Seriously. In addition to the advice in the video, you want the highest quality camera you can get, good lighting, no group photos, don’t do cleavage/sexy photos because that’s not what you’re after. “Really cool situations” is #1 I think. I like to include a body shot (fully clothed, not sexy at all) because even though I’m listed as “curvy” some men are pretty picky and I want them to screen me out. In general, you’re trying to get people to self-select out so you’re left with the handful of real potential matches, instead of having to wade through a bunch of dates to get there.

      2. If it’s an issue, the issue is with them, not you. I’m all over the map with this, and the first kiss can be anywhere from the first date to the fifth date, mostly depending on me and where I am in my life. I wouldn’t assume that kissing means other intimate stuff is soon to follow–dating should default to the person with the most boundaries and if they don’t, feel free to talk about it!

      I’m seeing a wonderful man that I just was. not. sure. about. in the beginning. But my rule for second dates is just “Did I hate him?” No? Second date it is! I gave him hugs and the cheek for kisses for the first 4 dates, and didn’t really think anything of it. I’m sort of the opposite though, because I was resisting intimacy because I do go from 0-60. On our third date, I didn’t want him to walk me to my door because I knew I would fall into bed with him. I purposefully made a mess inside my apartment, didn’t shave my legs, etc. We ended up in his car with him declaring his attraction and intentions to me (he was definitely thinking does she even like me?!) I don’t know how to explain it, but he was politely frustrated with a serving of confused on top? But that was okay, because he used his words and I used mine, and it ended up being fine. I texted him the next day telling him I had a great time and couldn’t wait to see him again. (I think that’s important–you have to signal your interest somehow!) Later in the relationship, he mentioned really nonchalantly that he had expected things to move glacially, as in kissing on dates 5-7, maybe some under the shirt action on date 8, etc. and I was surprised (but shouldn’t have been) that he would have been okay with that. The right person will always be okay with your pace, remember that. Being rejected is someone else doing the work of figuring out that it’s not the right match. Be happy that they’re taking on that labor for you.

      3. I know you didn’t ask after platforms, but I’m a big OkCupid proponent, have been on there for 7 happy years, and wouldn’t dream of switching. They let you screen out messages by match %, length of message, location, gender, almost anything you can think of. So your inbox is going to be only high quality messages from people you have a good possible match with. And then every once in a while you can look in your filtered inbox and thank your lucky stars you don’t have to read them as they come in! If I go in to the unfiltered inbox, I’ll see some choice messages but I do it because it entertains me! And I’ve honestly never gotten a bad reaction to rejection from the people who make it past the filter, and that goes for rejection after a message to after a couple of dates. I’m a moderator on OkC, and nude photos get taken down right quick, I hardly even see them anymore. Also, no images/video can be sent via message on OkC, so you’re good to go! I don’t give out my name or phone number until after the first date, so that filters out a lot as well.

      One last bit of unsolicited advice, try to apply Alison’s advice on resumes to your dating profile. It doesn’t need to be an exhaustive list, just enough to peak interest for an interview (first date). Keep it short and positive, but make sure you include the “off-putting” stuff on there that you would want to bond about with a potential match (nerdy things, gaming, that novel and tea stuff)

      1. Definitely Anon For This*

        Oh, thanks for that advice on framing being rejected, I will try to remember that if I am feeling blue about any rejections.

        Advice on platforms is welcome too – most likely I will start with OKCupid, my roommate (male) has been using that and it seems to work well for him. He showed me the interface at one point. Now that you mention it I remember him telling me you can’t attach images in the messages. Its great to know about the filtering possibilities too.

    8. Overeducated*

      The responses above have really great advice and perspective, especially on making your profile reflect you in different ways (pictures and text) so that poor matches will self – select out without wasting your time and emotional energy. They are both limited resources when it comes to online dating so you want them to be worth your while.

      My only concrete recommendation is that rather than worrying about looking sexy in your pictures, use ones that make you look genuinely happy. A big smile makes people look friendly, pretty, and pleasant. This is reflecting direct opinions from a small number of males in my life but I think there’s something to it.

      1. Definitely Anon For This*

        Thanks! I think I do look a lot better in photos when I am smiling naturally, my neutral expression is not quite RBF but definitely kind of serious. I am actually really bad at smiling on purpose for pictures, but at point I learned a trick to try to think of something I find hilariously funny so I’m on the verge of laughing for real. It works, or at least it works better than saying ‘cheese’. Except for when it works too well and I crack myself up.

    9. Dan*

      1. How you present yourself matters, but you really don’t need makeup if it isn’t you. (Overdone makeup is terrible IMHO.) On the whole, though, if you present yourself as someone who is trying to avoid attention, it’ll be a self fulfilling prophecy.

      Photos — full body shot with reasonably form fitting clothes. Avoid group shots. Avoid selfies. Don’t do “goofy” shots, natural is better.

      2. This is tricky. Don’t let anybody force or cajole you into something that you aren’t comfortable with, but if you haven’t made out with the guy by the third date or so, you’ve gotta figure some way to keep the spark going. (The “friend zone” can be a thing for guys, too. If the spark dies too quickly, the friend zone it is.) You can compensate with lack of physical contact with a little innuendo though.

      3. Never sent one, I wouldn’t know.

      1. Definitely Anon For This*

        Thanks Dan! A male perspective is really useful to get as well.

        Re #2, after reading yours and other responses I’m realizing the length of the dates would play a big role that I hadn’t really considered. When I wrote my initial post I was picturing 3 shortish dates but that’s probably not ideal. It sounds like by date 2 or at most 3 it one should plan on something a bit longer, ideally on a day where the ‘end’ of the date can be left open ended.

        1. Kj*

          I’m going to chime in again- the way you know it is a good date is if you want to keep talking. Husband and I met at a museum. We went to an exhibit. Then we went to a nearby park just so we could keep talking, then to dinner, then decided to walk to a sculpture garden, then went to get a a drink and finally sat in a park for a while before he put me on the bus home. It was a long date and we both didn’t want it to be over. We also made specific plans to met again before the end of the date. That date, a few days later, also lasted a couple of hours. By the time we were a week into the relationship, we’d spent 10+ hours together. This meant that we were comfortable with each other. Being nervous about physical contact, I also rely on a friendship/comfort level to want to touch someone. Being with someone for 10+ hours in the span of a week and knowing I could trust him to respect me and my boundaries meant I was comfortable with physical contact. We still went slower on the contact than most dates I think, but I was comfortable much faster.

          If a date is fun and exciting to you, think about ways to prolong the date- maybe link a trip tot the farmer’s market to lunch nearby to a walk. Or a walk in the park turns into coffee and snack, then going to a bookstore. Ideal date locations allow for this chaining. It is easier in urban areas but some less urban areas can support this as well. Honestly, a first date that expands is a good thing- it might panic your roommate (mind thought I’d been kidnapped, since I’d said I was going on a date then was gone 10 hours)- but it means you are compatible and like spending time with each other.

    10. Newby*

      Some guys won’t be ok with waiting so long for physical affection while others will be ok with it. You should make it clear that you go slow so that they do not misunderstand and think you aren’t interested. I don’t kiss on the first date. I didn’t kiss my boyfriend (who I met on okcupid) until the third date. I didn’t make out with him until we had been dating for over a month. I’ve met other guys that were ok with moving slow as well. Some weren’t but that meant that we were not a good match. Don’t stress too much about it.

  86. Anon for this*

    I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and I dislocated my kneecap today. I’ll be fine, it won’t even be sore in two days or so, but I could use a hug or some good vibes.

      1. EDS too*

        I send hugs.
        Dislocated my right shoulder on Monday. Still feeling it and am now on business travel. Pacing myself. Take care.

        1. Anon for this*

          Oh no, you too? Take care of yourself.

          I feel like it’s something about changing weather.

    5. AstroDeco*

      :::::hugging:::::

      The good thing is that after a dislocated kneecap, the rest of your week should go better!!
      er… It’s Sunday, so not so much the “rest of” as the new week.

  87. Codependent*

    I have posted bits and pieces about my husband’s and my separation; this week am patting myself on the back for protecting my boundaries in the face of a real challenge: the person my H has been staying with for the past month has decided it’s not working for them and is making him move out, BUT I didn’t offer to let him move back in – despite the loaded silences while he was telling me this – and I don’t feel guilty about it.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Go you! Your separation means his dilemma is explicitly NOT your problem.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I think you need a new screen name: “Used to be Codependent”.

      Right on. Do not wear his guilt for him. That is his problem, not yours.

    7. Dan*

      Dumb question, but do you even need to take his calls? My ex and I did all the separation paperwork the day she moved out, and we didn’t have kids, so there was nothing further to actually discuss. She tried calling me a bajillion times, leaving me messages about how she wanted to rethink things and blah blah, but I never took her calls. Not one. There was nothing to actually say to her, and it was actually pretty easy to ignore her. I was pleasantly surprised in that regard.

    1. Mimmy*

      Best: Finally felt comfortable at my new job yesterday.

      Worst: Monday I learned of the passing of a long-time employee of my now-current employer, who I’ve known since 2000, then learning Wednesday that a friend’s partner passed away. All on top of a slow adjustment to aforementioned new job.

      1. Zathras*

        Ouch, it’s awful to have to go through a week like that. Hang in there! Sending good vibes your way.

    3. Zathras*

      BEST: Today it was cold and sleeting and gross, but I sat on the couch all day in my pajamas and that was GREAT.
      WORST: I still work for a boss with no boundaries.

    4. LAMM*

      Best: My best friend is in town for the weekend and I got to hang out with her for an hour or so after work. Which was a blast since I also got to see her parents. We’ve been friends for over ten years so it’s like visiting family (the kind you actually like and enjoy).

      Worst: She brought her douchy (ex but most probably current) boyfriend with her. And they’re moving in together (yet again) next month. Oh so excited about that (sarcasm if you didn’t notice). She could do so much better, but he seems to make her happy, so I’m happy enough for her. Just…. ugh.

    5. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Best: We took off for spring break last week and went to a beautiful cabin high on a bluff in the Ozark mountains overlooking the Buffalo River valley. It was relaxing and restorative for all of us.

      Worst: I had a tiff with my husband today over household maintenance and unfinished projects. He has several abandoned projects that have left our house in worse shape than if he’d never started them, and the carport and shop areas are in such disarray that he can’t find any of his tools. He admonished me to not try to clean the carport or shop, even though it’s been eight months since I first mentioned that the mess out there is preventing progress on the unfinished projects. I told him that I’m tired of living like this, and he is putting me in a situation where (1) I don’t believe that he’s going to make any progress, and (2) he’s telling me that I’m not allowed to make any progress on my own, either.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I’ve been down there! At camp, we went hiking at Hemmed-in Hollow and rappelled off a cliff (yipe). It’s really beautiful, even if we did have to hike back out in a raging thunderstorm.

    6. New Bee*

      Best: Celebrating our 3 year anniversary this week! We went out for dinner tonight–first time getting a sitter since Baby Bee was born.

      Worst: A former student from my old school was shot and killed. He was only 15 years old.

    7. Jo*

      BEST: Might have a potential solution for when my notice period ends and I’m no longer employed — that *doesn’t* involve moving back in with my parents (thank god). Whew. Also, the solution basically consists of moving to Thailand, so can’t complain.

      WORST: Lost my job (actually this was about a week and a half ago, but I’ve only managed to process that fact this week).

    8. Red*

      Best: I got accepted to college! I’m so excited! I had previously been a student, but never finished the bachelor’s degree, for various reasons, so I’m excited to do it.

      Worst: Done f’ed up at work, because I apparently misinterpreted a policy that no one bothered to explain to me and yet everyone knows is super important. Yay for good training, I guess. Totally not resentful at all…

    9. nep*

      Worst: Some health issues.
      Best: My health issues are nothing compared to what some people are facing. Grateful.

    10. Someone*

      Best: I’m on a Caribbean vacation.
      Worst: My luggage is on a different Caribbean vacation.

  89. Ella*

    I had a miscarriage at the end of July. Today I was at a baby shower, and an acquaintance asked me how my baby was. I was stunned, and then had to tell her about the miscarriage. Not fun, for both of us!

    2. Ruffingit*

      There is just no getting around the painful feelings brought on by such a conversation. I’m so sorry.

  90. oranges & lemons*

    Time for a perennially fun topic–coming out to parents! Specifically, coming out to parents long-distance. I live about 10 hours from my mother, although I do visit pretty often. I’m just thinking it’ll be incredibly awkward to bring it up while I’m visiting–either I do it at the beginning, and risk the rest of the trip being awkward, or I wait till the end, and spend the whole time worrying. Would it be so terrible to do this over the phone, or through email? Does anyone else here have stories about successful long-distance coming-outs? I’m really not sure how she will take it–partly because we rarely talk about anything feelingsy.

    1. Ella*

      I haven’t done this, but email makes sense to me. You’re giving them a chance to process feelings and then to choose how they react whereas in-person/over the phone they may not have as good of a filter in their surprised state.

      Warm wishes for a positive experience.

    2. Channel Z*

      Doing it in person would be difficult for the reasons you described. I would phone my mother for a big announcement , if I e-mailed she would phone me any way so might as well be direct. I think it depends on your usual preferred mode of communication

    3. Ella*

      One more thing- I highly recommend Captainawkward.com. She I’m pretty sure has posts about coming out options.

    4. kc89*

      I think e-mail is a good option.

      If it was me I would add something like “I’m putting this in e-mail to give you time and space to process what I’ve told you.”

      1. Kj*

        Agreed. Maybe also be unavailable for the first 24 hours after you send it too. It gives them times to get their FEELINGS BOMB out with someone other than you.

        Good luck! Manyof my friends have come out successfully to their parents; it usually goes well, after the initial surprise.

  91. Overeducated*

    Weird trick: I made baked samosas today but didn’t have any chutneys or ingredients to make one. Turns out Chinese plum sauce is an acceptable substitute for tamarind chutney.

    That’s all I got today….

      1. Overeducated*

        Yup! I bought it sort of accidentally (couldn’t remember if I needed plum or hoisin sauce…it was hoisin, which I already had), but it turns out to be a useful thing to have around!

  92. Dienna Howard*

    I am a sucker for true crime shows and investigative shows: 20/20, 48 Hours Mystery, Dateline, Forensic Files…

    I don’t have a TV so I watch whatever I stumble upon online. I’ve been watching multiple 20/20 episodes all day and am floored with what people try to get away with, be it a conniving scam or a horrific murder.

    1. AstroDeco*

      Me, too; I like most of the programming from the ID channel. I don’t have cable either, so it’s mostly Netflix & YouTube for me.
      Just now I’m on the last season of Behind Mansion Walls. Also I like Mayday [aka Air Emergency or Aircraft Investigation, depending on the country].
      Why do you like them? For me it’s because there are often lessons from them.
      Enjoy!!

  93. Neruda*

    I’m wondering about people’s opinions on this since I know there are a lot of animal lovers on this site. My MILs dog (boxer) is not a well trained dog. He’s about 8 years old so certainly not a puppy any more. When you arrive at her house he jumps up on you and often almost knocks you over. He’s told to ‘get down’ but he rarely listens. He begs at the table, brings his slobbery toys to you etc. I’ve never seen them actually try to stop him, other than in a half hearted way. Even when other visitors are there they never put him outside. He’s a sweet dog and it’s not his fault, he’s just poorly trained. I’m sure my husband’s family think I hate dogs, but I just don’t like being jumped all over or pestered when I’m trying to sit on the couch.

    We live interstate from my MIL and stay with her when we visit. Now that we have a baby (11months) my MIL has started putting the dog into a boarding kennel when we visit. We visit about twice a year. I assume as my daughter gets older she might stop doing this but in the meantime, is it our responsibility to pay for the boarding of her dog? She’s never raised it with us and never told us she was going to board him, she just did it herself. There’s a part of me that thinks she shouldn’t have to pay for the dog to be boarded when we are the ones with the baby but the other part of me thinks if she was willing to train her dog, or even put it outside this wouldn’t be a problem. To be honest I’d rather stay in a hotel as I like my space but we stay there as I know she prefers it. We literally would not be able to put my daughter down if he dog was inside, and he never goes outside.

    This is hypothetical as it’s never come up but I just wondered.

    TL;DR: Who should pay to board my MILs badly behaved dog when we stay there?

    1. Zathras*

      Your MIL should pay. It’s her dog and her responsibility, and especially if she did this without you asking, I’d assume she came to the (correct) conclusion that the baby might not be safe around the dog. She really wants you to stay with her so she made the choice to board the dog.

      If it literally has never come up in conversation ever, it would be nice next time you visit (or now, if you just came back from a visit) to explicitly thank her for it – “By the way, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this, but I really appreciate that you are willing to board Fido while we are here. It makes it so much easier to manage with Daughter.”

      Here’s a bonus suggestion – I confine my dog to my room with a tall baby gate whenever there is some reason she shouldn’t be loose in the apartment. If you think the cost to her is really a problem, I wonder if something like that is an option at your MIL’s? Might be worth a try, although Boxers can be vocal, so he might whine the whole time.

    2. Mallory Janis Ian*

      It sounds like MIL wants y’all to stay with her, and she knows the dog’s behavior is problematic with the little one, so she’s come up with her own solution to the problem. I don’t think you need to offer to pay for any dog boarding; just be a good houseguest and maybe leave her with a nice hostess gift to show appreciation for her extra thoughtfulness in boarding the dog.

    3. Newby*

      Since you didn’t ask for the dog to be boarded and your MIL never asked you to pay for it, I think it makes perfect sense for your MIL to pay. If you were insisting the dog be boarded, it would be nice to offer to pay (which is not the situation here).

    4. Temperance*

      Here’s my .02: you didn’t ask her to board him, and didn’t know she was going to, so I wouldn’t pay. Also, you’re undertaking the stress and financial burden of travel to benefit her, so I wouldn’t pay for the boarding in addition.

    6. Call me St. Vincent*

      My dog is well trained, but stranger-phobic. When I have house guests, we always board him or have him stay with friends of ours that have known him since he was a puppy. I would never expect my house guests to pay my boarding costs–it’s the cost of doing business, as Alison would say! Don’t feel guilty at all.

    7. AstroDeco*

      MIL made the decision & the payment is her responsibility.
      I agree with all of the comments, eg: the thank you & baby-gate potential.

      1. Neruda*

        Thanks everyone for your comments. I felt like it was her responsibility to pay but I wasn’t sure if that would be the general consensus or not. We always take her out for at least a few meals when we stay there (and we pay) and the rest of the time we are mostly out visiting friends for meals, and we bring groceries too so there wouldn’t really be any other cost to her when we stay there.

    8. Anon for this*

      Full disclosure: I talked about having Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome above, so I’m probably an outlier in any advice that involves jumpy dogs. I love dogs very much but jumping on my legs isn’t cool.

      So I’ll say this. If she wanted to keep the dog at home, there are options like crating him for short periods of time and setting up gates between rooms. She picked boarding her dog. I would assume it’s the most convenient and practical solution among each idea she considered. It’s her decision and her responsibility.

      Also, if it helps take the responsibility off of your shoulders: She’s not just making a decision about your baby’s safety. She’s making a decision about what’s best for her dog. Maybe being around people he doesn’t know how to interact with safely would be stressful to him. Dogs always want to please people; when they don’t know how or their best efforts go wrong, they get upset. And maybe he just loves his “vacations” at the kennel.

  94. Mela*

    Recommendations for a talk-based crisis helpline?

    A friend of mine is starting up workshops for women, and is wanting to provide general helplines for anyone who may have stuff come up for them during the workshop. She found a great text-based one, but is having difficulty finding a talk-based one. We’re not looking for suicide prevention, and it’ll be during a workshop so my friend can’t sit and figure out exactly what kind of helpline fits best, so maybe a general mental health talk line?

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      So I would always include a suicide crisis helpline anyway, even if you don’t imagine it being needed. It’s not uncommon for people to experience suicidal feelings in situations where something traumatic has been triggered and it’s best to cover that base just on the offchance – better to include it unnecessarily than not to give it to someone who needs it. Also, crisis lines aren’t just for people who are imminently suicidal but are also there for anyone in emotional crisis. They are also more likely to be open 24/7.

      Some good bases to cover, some of which may be included in the same helplines:

      – domestic violence
      – rape and sexual abuse
      – child abuse
      – eating problems
      – self-harm
      – addiction

      A general mental health line is also a good idea if one exists in your country, but it’s worth including direct resources for the above because people struggling with those particular things can find it very hard to tell advisors about them and it can be much easier if they are calling a line / contacting an organisation where it’s a given that this is what they need to discuss.

      If you only want a few I’d say one crisis line, one women’s org like RAINN, and one general line.

    2. Dizzy Steinway*

      Sorry not to make suggestions in my other comment which has gone to moderation – are you in the US?

      1. Mela*

        Yes, in the US. We’re looking for something that is counseling-style but not suicide-focused/named.

    3. Dizzy Steinway*

      Sorry, my comment may also be a bit confusing as I’d missed the fact that you’re describing a crisis line but not a suicide one. Often these are really the same thing, in that they are for people in emotional crisis up to and including suicidal feelings.

      General mental health helplines tend to not be crisis lines – they can give information, but not emotional support and counselling type listening. So I’d recommend a crisis line for listening and a general one for information. I hope that makes sense.

    4. Thlayli*

      The samaritans are best known for suicide prevention but I think they do all sorts of support. You could check their website, or even just ring them and ask!

  95. SandrineSmiles (France)*

    Not a work question, but after a few depressing months, getting a two week temp assignment as a receptionist is doing wonders to my general mood. Wheeeeeee!

    I also managed to find a dentist that might be able to work on me. Been scared to go back for years, became sort of medical-phobic, but now I have hope that I can get THAT in order as well.

    Also, while going grocery shopping yesterday I also stumbled upon an ultra-enthusiastic Youtube subscriber who, this time, told me she’d found my channel again and remembered why she subscribed. She was ultra energetic and mentioned that she was almost embarassed to talk to me, but I’m like… “Thank you. My ego is feeling very happy right now.” Then she tells me her username… and oh boy do I remember that one. Funny thing is, I have about 1,800 subscribers… she has over 20,000 . Not only did the encounter make me super happy, it also shows that people who gush over Youtube numbers should calm down: it doesn’t always go the way people think it does.

    Oh, and also, I stopped drinking Coca-Cola about two weeks ago. I figured my liver would thank me later. I hope to stay strong for at least a full month before I drink even another sip :P . And I don’t want to go back to the 2-liter bottle a day like I did for months :P . (Yes, I know, dangerous, yes, I know, not super healthy, but my super-down mind used it as a pick me up as well, so yeah) .

    2. whichsister*

      I feel you on the coke. I gave soda up for Lent. I tried it 3 years ago, but my father died and I gave up. I managed to make it through last year up to and past Easter. I thought maybe it would help me kick the habit for good. But no go. I am counting down the days to Easter but hope to make it till May 1st (which would beat last year’s streak.) I AM DYING, the pollen is out in full force and nothing feels better on my scratchy throat then some coca cola.

  96. OldBook*

    I purchased a book online, and it arrived smelling very musty, but with no visible signs of mold (not that I’m an expert, but there were no visible spots/discolourations). Having it in the same room as me was causing me breathing problems, though, so I put it in a sealed plastic bag with some baking soda hoping it would absorb the smell. It has been raining the past few days so I couldn’t take it outside. It’s dry out now, but I’m afraid to open it in case it’s not just smell but something hazardous…

    For those who have experience dealing with older books..
    – What do you look for to see if a book is safe/restorable?
    – What do you do to clean/unstink a book?

    If it helps, this book was published in 1966 and was shipped from the UK (I’m in North America).

    1. Librariana*

      A lot of librarians recommend putting a book in a sealed container with kitty litter for a week or two. I have never tried it myself.

    2. Chaordic One*

      I’ve had good luck by placing the book outside on a warm sunny day with the pages fanned open.

      I’ve heard that sometimes if you place old dry newspaper pages between the pages, say every 20 or so, that sometimes the newspaper will absorb some of the moisture and odor. I’ve also heard that people have had good luck putting dryer sheets between the pages or putting the book in a plastic bag with bars of scented soap.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I put a portable Victrola in the freezer for a few weeks. That seemed to fix the problem. (Yes, small Victrola, large freezer, plastic garbage bag.)

      I have heard of librarians freezing books with good results. It’s got to be really cold and it has to stay in there a while.

    4. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      Librarian here who also worked in special collections of very old stuff haha.

      1.) What do you look for to see if a book is safe/restorable?
      — First things first, if you’re concerned about the condition of a book, always look at it in a well-ventilated area with gloves on preferably! You want to look for staining, fecal stains from bugs, bite marks from animals (baby books often have bite marks, and we presume those aren’t mouse/rat based haha!), mold, etc. Bascially, you’re looking for any atypical discoloration of the pages/covers. I also look for obvious signs of water damage (pages will look very crinkly).

      –If a book has mold or fecal matter/staining on it, unless it is very special, I immediately bag it in a ziploc bag (to prevent the spread of mold spores/feces), and get rid of it. Books with mold/etc. have to be treated, and unless the book is rare, don’t waste the time or money.

      –If the book is water-damaged, but long since dry, I would keep it.

      2.) I would place the book in a well-ventilated area. Allow it to air out for at least 2-3 days, and see what kind of results you have. The musty scent is likely from where it was stored, rather than water. Water damage would be obvious even to an un-trained eye! :) You could try putting it in the sun as well to kill anything, but be cautious with this. You don’t want to over-sun the book and damage it that way. If that doesn’t work, try carefully placing some sheets of newsprint in between the pages, and leave overnight. TEST THIS FIRST. Start with just two pages that are blank, as you want to make sure the newsprint won’t transfer to the pages with text. Newspaper does a bang up job at removing scents from items.

      Good luck!

  97. The Other Dawn*

    I must be losing my mind.

    Before my tummy tuck last month, I cleaned out my dresser drawers to make room for my clean laundry, organized my socks and underwear, and purged a few things; I usually live out of a laundry basket (holdover from my teen years, I guess), so I wouldn’t have had room for all my clean clothes if I didn’t start purging and organizing. I also boxed up my pantyhose, knee highs, lingerie stockings, etc. since I knew I wouldn’t be able to wear them for a couple months after surgery. I remember thinking I need to put them somewhere where my cousin, who stayed with me for a couple weeks after surgery, wouldn’t find them. Not that it’s anything scandalous, but there are fishnets in there and thigh highs. Since pants are still not very comfortable right now, I decided to start wearing my skirts for a bit. I went looking for the box so I could grab the more tame thigh highs I have in there. Lo and behold, I cannot locate that pantyhose box anywhere. I’ve been looking for two weeks now and cannot find it.

    Also, I cannot locate my gold necklace that has a charmholder and some charms on it. It was around before surgery, but now I can’t find it. Since I didn’t wear jewelry the whole time I was home–nearly a month–I hadn’t thought to check and see if it’s where it should be. I’m hoping that it fell behind the dresser. I’ll have to have my husband look, as it’s still too much weight for me to handle after surgery.

    Finally, I can’t find all the extra deodorants I had in the bathroom.

    This is so bizarre. It’s just me and my husband. My cousin wouldn’t have taken anything. She doesn’t use that deodorant brand, doesn’t wear gold, and would want nothing to do with my pantyhose box. Plus she’s the most honest person I know. We got a new bed while I was laid up and the guys came in and assembled it, but my husband was up there with them the whole time. So, either I’m losing my mind and actually threw away the pantyhose and necklace and used up the deodorant; someone snuck into my house and stole it all; or the cats are involved somehow.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        LOL. Actually, I do have one that steals random things. And the torties are known for walking off with the unmentionables. It must be the breed, because the tortie I had when I was a kid liked to walk around the house with my bras. In front of company. And my current torties sometime steal underwear.

    2. Newby*

      Last time I cleaned out my dresser I accidentally dropped my ring into the sock drawer. I couldn’t find it for two months and was about to give up and buy a new one when I found it putting away my laundry.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yeah, I’ve looked all through my drawers since I keep the necklace on top of the dresser, but it’s not there. I have to think it fell behind the dresser, or one of the cats snagged it. They don’t typically takes things from up there, but it’s possible.

        1. Nicole*

          Do you have a jewelry box which perhaps has a “hidden” compartment you forgot about? I once misplaced a necklace for two years. I looked everywhere for it! I even emptied my jewelry box, but it was nowhere. Fast forward to one day when I’m dusting the dresser when I suddenly realized the top of my jewelry box opened (it doesn’t look like it since there’s no handle) and there was the missing necklace along with some other stuff that I rarely wear! Boy did I feel stupid.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Maybe your house is like mine. It eats stuff. I have lost the following items–I know they’re in here but I Can. Not. Find. Them. Anywhere:

      –Two books I really liked
      –A brand new pair of leggings I only wore once
      –A hoodie
      –A new Harry Potter t-shirt with a foil Hogwarts crest, in the package, that I bought the night I got Deathly Hallows (this one really pisses me off)

      I still look for them, fruitlessly. Either there’s a small black hole in here, I did something with them and forgot about it, there’s a fricking ghost in here, or I really need to purge everything and they’ll turn up. I have looked and looked where I last saw them, but they seem to have just vanished.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        At this point I’m thinking I accidentally threw away the bin of pantyhose. I was tossing a bunch of stuff and maybe it made its way into the garbage bag, too. UGH! I wouldn’t mind if it were just pantyhose because they’re easy to buy. But thigh highs (that aren’t meant to go with kinky lingerie) seem to be hard to find. I guess I’ll see if I can order some online. I bet I’ll find them years from now…

        1. Red Reader*

          I have found that the best way to find something lost is to replace it. I once spent 3 weeks looking around my 250 square feet of studio apartment for a book I’d lost mid-read, went to a used bookstore and replaced it finally and literally came home to find the original on my pillow where I could. Not. Possibly. Have missed it before. I told the book gnomes thanks for returning it but that was a little freaky, maybe we could not do that anymore. :-P

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Yes, that has happened to me, too! It’s definitely freaky.

            I really don’t care about the pantyhose or the deodorant. It’s just an annoyance because thigh highs aren’t cheap. I checked online and they’re like 6.00 to 9.00 a pair, which is expensive if they run easily. The necklace, that’s what I’m upset about. This is the second time it’s happened to me with the exact same type of necklace.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            OMG that happened to me once. I lost my hairbrush and couldn’t find it anywhere. I took out the trash (this was in an apartment complex). When I walked back from the dumpster, my hairbrush was sitting on the hood of a car, which I had just walked past, and where nothing had been previously. There was NOBODY AROUND because it was Sunday.

            o_O

            Now if only that would happen with the rest of my lost stuff!

            1. Elizabeth West*

              You know what? Now that I think about it, almost all those things in my list disappeared in one particular room of my house.

              Now I’m SURE it’s a ghost. Perhaps the former owner is messing with me. MILDRED GIMME BACK MY STUFF!

              1. The Other Dawn*

                Considering my house was built in 1735, I wouldn’t be surprised if a ghost is messing with me. I’m on the fence about supernatural stuff, but there’s been times where there’s just no other explanation.

        2. Sylvia*

          Sockdreams dot com! I haven’t ordered them yet, but I’ve had my eye on their thigh-highs for a while. They get good reviews.

          Back on-topic, I vote blame the cats.

    4. KR*

      I completely know what you mean. I had some prints of classic style portraits with cats (Edgar Allen Purr, ect) and I can’t find them ANYWHERE. I know they’re here and I’ve seen them since the move. I’ve torn the house apart, I just can’t find them anywhere. Maddening. Same with my heating pad.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      It’s been about 15 years. I know I bought some antique prints. Then I bought materials to frame them. I cannot find those prints anywhere. I have taken the whole house apart and I still cannot find them. 15 years. sigh.

      I bet the cats were playing with the jewelry and it’s down behind something. I know you can’t lift, but maybe you can at least check your vacuum cleaner bag before it gets thrown out?

  98. AnnaleighUK*

    My favourite domestic motorsports series has started up again today. Thus begins six months of me and my bestie having slanging matches every other Sunday.

    Perfect *sips tea*

  99. printrovert*

    Just posting an update to my post from a few weeks ago: my skin has finally calmed down. The itching on my hands went away fairly quick, but I had issues with my neck and arms. The coconut oil was great for sleeping, but daytime itch was terrible, and so I ended up buying a hydrocortisone cream. It worked for nearly a week, but then the itch came back. Cut to me buying some skin relief lotion by Aveeno and oh my goodness, that did the trick.

    I have been tracking the pollen activity in my area and it seems to correlate. Strangely, this is the first year that I have had topical reaction. I’ve never been allergic to pollen in the areas that I have lived in over the years, only just had the occasional nasal congestion.

  101. Marcy*

    Anyone have advice for how to deal with a spouse’s frequent work travel? My husband’s job has changed such that he needs to travel/attend after work events about 10 days a month. We have a toddler, and this was an unexpected development (his work travel, not the toddler) so it’s taken a toll on me, since I also work full time at a fairly demanding job. I know he can’t help the travel because it’s a work requirement, but I can’t help getting resentful of having all of this dumped on me. I’ve given up on having the house cleaned and having a hot meal ready when he gets home, which is petty, but…I can’t seem to bring myself to make the extra effort. I feel exhausted and lonely all the time, but there’s no real end in sight.

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      I am a medical spouse with a toddler and, although it isn’t travel, my husband works crazy hours including many overnights at the hospital, sometimes for weeks at a time (night float–it sucks). I am happy to commiserate about this. It stinks. I think for me it’s easier because there is somewhat of an end in sight, although in like 3 years, but still. If you think there is really no end in sight, you might consider talking about whether your husband wants to try to move into a different role, if not now, maybe in a couple of years?

    2. KR*

      Is there any way you can outsource some of the work in the house so you two can focus on spending quality time together? Maybe having someone come clean the house once a week, dropping your laundry off at a cleaner, or automating something that you usually have to do yourself? My husband is gone a lot and one thing that helps is he takes on a project every weekend when he is home so I don’t feel like I’m stuck with everything at home. Also when is the last time he took baby and you had time to yourself or you two had a date? That might help you feel better.

    3. Dan*

      Why do you think letting that stuff go is petty? I live by myself (got divorced a couple of years ago) and TBH don’t have the time or energy to cook and clean every day. The nice thing about being by myself is that I can pick and choose what I do, and nobody else is going to care.

      There are many posts I reald on this forum where someone is more or less complaining that a spouse’s preference for something is not up to the other spouse’s “standards.” Every time I read those kinds of things, my first thought is “nobody is right or wrong, but letting go a little will do wonders for y’all’s sanity.”

      Secret to cooking: For two people, there is no need to cook a fresh meal every day. Most recipes make 4-6 servings, which means that you can get 2-3 evenings out of a single effort. Likewise, the dishes can wait until tomorrow too. Letting them sit in the sink isn’t going to kill anybody. If he comes home at 10 or 11, pretty much heads straight to bed, and complains about dishes in the sink? Um…

      Basically, it’s ok to Let Stuff Go. Anybody who demands the services of a full service hotel on a daily basis from a spouse with a full time job and a toddler is a bit um… over entitled.

      1. Genevieve Shockley*

        And pint canning jars are wonderful for storing single servings of left-overs, because if you put your leftovers in plastic containers for two servings, then you are thawing more than may be needed for the next meal.

        YOu would need to let the left-overs cool a little bit before filling the jars and refrigerate before moving to the freezer. When time to serve place a jar in a pan of water and THEN bring the water to a boil. (otherwise the jar might break).

        My daughter-in-law has been doing this a lot with soups and stews.

      2. Marcy*

        Thanks for the perspective. I guess I think it’s petty because it’s something I used to do in the past when the travel wasn’t as frequent. I don’t do it now partly due to exhaustion and partly due to anger and frustration. We’ve talked about it and this is just the job so it’s not going to change. It’s the first time he’s felt happy and fulfilled at a job, but I find it hard to feel happy for him when it feels like it’s coming at my expense so I’ve just becoming increasingly withdrawn. Not great for the marriage and I don’t like to be so tit-for-tat, but I can’t shake the resentment.

        1. Temperance*

          Can you talk to a marriage counselor together, for one or two sessions? It does sound like his happiness is directly impacting your life satisfaction – is he aware of this?

        2. fposte*

          What does “this is just the job so it’s not going to change” really mean here? He will never, ever, in ten or fifteen years, consider changing so that the burden on you is less? Is he happy, fulfilled, and sufficiently well-paid that you could go to part time or even be a SAHP for a while?

        3. Dan*

          Let things go because you need to do it for your sanity. The danger with doing it out of anger (or trying to make a subtle point) is that if he turns around and says, “babe, don’t worry about a hot meal, it’s ok…” Your first response is going to be “damn, he doesn’t get it.” And it just becomes one more nail in the proverbial coffin. Best to nip that in the bud before it gets that far.

          It’s good that he’s fulfilled at his job (it’s important), but it’s also important that it doesn’t come at your expense.

          Marriage has to be a partnership to succeed, and as others have mentioned, working with a therapist sooner rather than later would be a good idea. You have to figure out how to not resent everything if this is going to work in the long run.

        4. Ann O.*

          That doesn’t sound petty at all. He changed the amount he’s contributing to household care. As a result of you now having to do more, you have less energy for things.

          If his job came with a raise, my recommendation would be to use some of that money to hire a cleaner. I have one once a month, and it makes a HUGE difference. Now none of us in my family are particularly tidy people, so I don’t know if more organized-valuing people would need a more frequent rate. But for us once-a-month cleaning really knocks down the daily stuff to just a little bit of tidying.

          Also, yes, EVERYTHING becomes easier as the child gets to elementary age. They’re less work to take care of because they’re no longer trying to kill themselves every time you look away, and they can start helping with simple housework.

    4. fposte*

      Agreeing with Dan on it being okay to let stuff go; I certainly don’t see why you would have to have a hot meal ready when he comes home if you’re already wrestling a full time job and a toddler. Definitely figure out if anything’s outsourceable.

      But also, I can’t tell if you’ve talked to him. Talk to him. You are exhausted and you miss him, and that’s important for him to know. As St. Vincent suggests, talk about ways to make this finite so you know when things might be different.

      1. Marcy*

        Thanks, it is helpful to hear that it’s ok to just let it go. I tell myself that all the time but I don’t really believe it. We’ve talked about this but we haven’t found a solution. I’ve heard it gets better when the kids get to school age. Maybe we just need to go to marriage counseling in the meantime, I don’t know. An ideal solution would be for me to go part time but I make twice as my head as him so our finances wouldn’t allow it.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, I just posted asking about part-time. But just because you make more than him doesn’t mean you two can’t decide to cut back on some stuff so you, Marcy, can go part-time and therefore not go crazy. I mean, it’s great that he’s happy and fulfilled, but it sounds like it’s being subsidized both by your income and your labor, while you’re not having such a great time. And maybe there’s marital history that makes that fairer, but I still think it’s worth talking about in couples counseling to see if you can find something that gives you more peace.

          1. Kj*

            Oh, I so agree. Marcy, do you want to go part time? Or do you want to keep working full time? Is it the work load that is hard about having husband gone or is it the lack of someone to do the work with/talk to like an adult? Or something else?

            If you want to work, can you dedicate some of your income or his income to help around the house? Can he do more to help you when he is home? Is his income worth it in terms of childcare costs?

            A couple’s therapist could help you sort some of this out. This situation is wearing on you and it doesn’t have to be the way it is- marriage is partnership and negotiation is needed thing.

        2. Observer*

          Besides what the others have said, if going part time is not a good choice for you, I’d be willing to be that the you could find money for some household help. You might have to cut something else, but unless you are both working low wage jobs, it’s not likely that you would need to cut necessities to find the money.

    5. Yetanotherjennifer*

      You’re not being petty. I found my husband’s business trips rough and I was a SAHM. The whole clean house and dinner thing was an expectation set when most moms, or at least the role models, worked at home. And even then it probably mostly happened on television. You need to give yourself a break and set easier expectations for when you are on your own. What kind of convenience meals can you pull together in advance so meal prep is easy? Can you make a giant batch of something while your husband is in town so you have it available when he’s not? And what if you were to edit the toy box down to a few things just to limit the potential mess? And if your child is in daycare then they’re probably already being taught to pick up or getting exposed to that habit. Get a copy of your center’s clean-up song and put it on repeat for a couple minutes and see what happens. Do you know a neighbor kid who could be a mother’s helper for an hour or so? Can you plan phone calls or outings with friends for when your husband is out of town? Or even text with someone while watching the same TV show.

      1. Marcy*

        I recently got a room a to help me out and we do a lot of either leftovers or takeout. I still feel drained but I think maybe that’s just loneliness. I think you’re right that the key is social connections. We are transplants so I don’t have much of a support network and that’s something I need to work on. It’s hard to find friends as an adult.

    6. Temperance*

      I don’t think you should have to take the entire second shift because your husband accepted a job with work travel. I think it would be fair for you to outsource housecleaning, and meal prep (or at least housecleaning).

      I don’t think it’s reasonable for your husband to expect a hot meal prepared by you when he gets home from work late, UNLESS he’s stepping up to the plate when he’s actually home and covering meals and chores.

      FWIW, we’re childless, but I’ve been traveling more lately. I don’t expect to come home to a hot meal. The only thing the non-traveling spouse is on the hook for here is feeding our pet.

    7. LizB*

      This sounds really hard. I agree with those saying it’s not petty to not have a hot meal ready for him every night when you’re working full time and also taking on the lion’s share of toddler care. Can he pick up some childcare/cleaning slack on the weekends he’s in town? Can he possibly start work a little later on days he has evening events, so he can do the morning daycare run and take care of some chores or errands? Can you two take a day or two off and work together to stock the freezer with ready-to-heat or slow-cooker-appropriate meals so you can both get fed on work nights with minimal effort?

    8. Chickaletta*

      Oh man, that’s a lot for anyone to take on, so cut yourself some slack: you’re allowed to feel exhausted and frustrated because any sane person in your situation would feel that way.

      My husband worked in another state when our son was a baby/toddler, and he came home every other weekend. I didn’t work full-time because I don’t know how I would have done it, but I was tyring to juggle my son’s pre-school schedule, keep-up with housework (because I can’t stand a dirty house or wearing yoga pants all day, I’m not that kind of person), make all the meals, volunteer for this and that, and start a part-time at-home freelance business was more than enough. I would literally go weeks without seeing a sunset, let alone a friend. So I can kind of relate. It wasn’t good for our marriage either. Part of the reason why is because I DID learn how to do everything well on my own and I didn’t like it when my husband came back home, wanted to start doing things his way, and screwed up my nice, neat schedule. So, prepare for that fun time.

      I got a great piece of advice during that time in my life: Imagine you’re in a small boat and in that boat with you is everything you need to get done, everything that you’re responsible for. Then, dump everything out. All of it. The baby, the meals, the job, the responsibilities, all of it goes into the water. Then, place things back in the boat with you as you can, taking the most pressing, important things first. You say, “ok, I need to finish up x at work because it’s due today and I’ll lose my job if I don’t”. Put it back into the boat and do it. Then you say, “ok, now I need to go pick up the baby”. Pick her up and put her “back into the boat”. Then you say, “ok, I can either make a hot meal, or I can spend time playing with the baby, but I can’t fit both into my boat right now. Which is most important? Which am I going to put back into the boat?” And you chose one, and the other can float in the water and you can pick it up later when you have time.

      I loved using the boat analogy during that crazy part of my life. I found that, more often than not, things continued to float in the water later and I could pick them up another time. Some of them did sink though, but it turned out to be ok because I had already picked up the things that were the most important.

      Finally, make time for yourself if you can. You can’t help someone else put their oxygen mask on if you’re passed out. Put on your oxygen mask first.

  102. Channel Z*

    Hi all, just a quick shout out to say i”m so glad I found this community! First time Ive ever been able to read a Comments section and keep my sanity.
    My question: are there any sites like AAM with a wise commentariat but specifically for relationships/marriage? I did check out Captain Awkward but that seemed more geared toward unusual or extreme situations.

  103. Lily Evans*

    If anyone’s been following my trip-planning the big day has arrived! I’m leaving tonight! Thanks a bunch to anyone who gave travel advice (especially whoever mentioned packing cubes a while back, those are amazing!) and if anyone wants to send smooth travel vibes my way I’d appreciate it! I tend to be an anxious traveler and out of the four flights I’ve had as an adult two were horrific. I’m also linking the instagram I’ve made just for travel type pictures and I plan to update it during and after my trip if anyone wants to follow along :)

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Yay!
      Packing cubes ROCK. If you don’t want to buy them, save those heavy plastic bags with the zipper that sheets and blankets come in and use those. They’re clear, so security personnel can look in them without having to open anything. Plus cheap!

    3. Al Lo*

      I recently supported these compression cubes on Kickstarter, and I’m really looking forward to getting them in! I’ve wanted to order the Eagle Creek compression cubes for a while (since there don’t seem to be many companies that make the compression cubes, specifically, as opposed to regular packing cubes), but these are a little less expensive.

  104. Elizabeth West*

    Okay, revision done. Added 3,151 words, some character motivation (that was a major critique; I don’t even know if I did it right), and some conflict in a budding relationship.

    I AM SICK TO DEATH OF THIS BOOK. Somebody publish it so I don’t have to look at it anymore!

    1. Amadeo*

      At least you managed to finish yours? LOL. I am so hung in the first draft of mine, and while I never really had big aspirations to do anything more than perhaps publish it on a platform like Patreon or something I’d just like to get the sketch done so I can begin adding more solid lines and color. :P

    2. nep*

      I can’t stand that feeling, being sick to death of a piece of writing.
      All the best to you. Keep us posted.

  105. Menacia*

    I have always thought I was pretty perfect in every way except for my weight. I know I’m smart, funny, am pretty cute, but have always been overweight. My fantasy would be to quit my job, take $20,000 and go to a place like the Biggest Loser ranch and totally change my bad habits, learn how to cook properly, get all my emotional crap in order (which makes me over eat and seclude myself because I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin). The problem is that I have a husband who would flip his lid should I do this. He’s very supportive of me, but while I want to go the drastic route, he thinks I should just be able to get a handle on my eating and exercising while having a long daily commute to a job which is not a good fit, either culture or work-wise. We don’t have kids, have a good amount of savings, never mind 401Ks and pensions. I feel like I can’t wait until I retire because now is when this needs to happen, because I just feel so apathetic about everything.

    1. fposte*

      Hmm, I have a few thoughts about this. One, being literal-minded as I am, is that those resorts don’t cost $20k–I just looked it up and it’s about $3k, and it’s for a week, so you don’t have to quit your job, just take a week off. Another is that fitness resorts have been around a long time and don’t generally have a good track record for turning people’s lives around-it’s hard to keep the weight off once you go back to your regular routine, and I’m guessing you know what kind of food you could be eating to lose weight already so it’s not lack of knowledge that’s relevant here.

      But more important is that it sounds like you’re not happy and you’re looking for a way to be happier. You don’t feel comfortable in your own skin, you feel so apathetic about everything, your job is not a good fit. Maybe you’d be happier in your own skin if you lost weight, but I doubt it would make your job a good fit or shorten your commute. Maybe there are other levers that could help move that life load for you, then, and the two main thoughts for me are looking for a therapist and/or looking for a new job; I would recommend the first one whatever you do, but if you’re not ready for the second maybe look into finding one new behavioral life enhancement–get a walking buddy, or start going to the library, or take a class.

      Good luck, and I hope you find something that makes you feel better.

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      To the first part- even The Biggest Loser itself has a REALLY low track record.

      But even the various surgeries don’t have success rates that are any higher than the more traditional ways- probably because it’s 99% attitude.

      Apathetic to everything could be a sign of depression. Making a change and getting healthy is not a bad thing, even a drastic change, but won’t solve your underlying problem.

    3. Kj*

      OK, what can you change in your life that would, in a small way, help you reach your goal?
      Ideas: Can you take a healthy cooking class or see a nutritionist for a few session? Can you find time to add an enjoyable activity that is, well, active to your day/week? Can you go to therapist about the lack of comfort in your own skin? I’d personally suggest the latter because a good therapist is going to talk about the former two questions.

      When you are apathetic, sometimes you need to set 1 small goal and reach it. Then you can add another when you are ready. The big changes you describe are usually a fantasy- one we all have, that someone will give us something/tell us something/we will have a break through and one or more of our problems will go away. Poof. It hardy ever works. It is great in fiction, not so workable in reality.

  106. Going nuts*

    regular posting going anon.

    Just took a home pregnancy test. After 1 hour there was a VERY FAINT PLUS SIGN.

    I know I need to test, but I have to let this out SOMEWHERE, I AM GOING NUTS.

    I can’t getanything until tomorrow and test again

    OHMYGOD

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      Our surrogate had the FAINTEST second line ever on her EPT. The doctor suggested she take another one the next day, and it was just as faint.

      The blood test 3 days later was super high with hCG- no doubt at all to confirm the pregnancy.

      So hopefully it’s an excited OMG, and not a scared one!

  107. Fabulous*

    Late to the game, but I finally got my first “big girl” bed this weekend – a queen! After sleeping a full size bed for nearly 20 years (and the same full size bed for the last 10 years)… OMG. Literally did not want to get out of bed this morning. The end.

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