weekend free-for-all – April 8-9, 2017

by Alison Green on April 8, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school. If you have a work question, you can email it to me or post it in the work-related open thread on Fridays.)

Recommendation of the week:  All Our Wrong Todays, by Elan Mastai. Tom Barren is the first person to travel back in time — where he promptly messes up history, which means that when he travels back to the present time, everything is different. In fact, it’s the world as we know it today, but for Tom, who comes from a techno-utopia, it’s primitive and barbaric. This book will blow your mind a little bit.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    1. AMD*

      Oh my gosh, me too! I am addicted now. I hope Alison can guest on more episodes in the future – it also made me think how good an AAM podcast would be.

      1. Florida*

        Another vote for an AAM podcast. One thing I love about this blog is the comments. Once I listen to a podcast, I am never going to go online to leave a comment or read other comments. So I’d like the podcast in addition to the blog, not to replace it.

  2. Dizzy Steinway*

    My best friend is here and we’ve had a really fun afternoon at the local board game cafe but are now trapped indoors as there’s a GIANT SWARM OF BEES in my street!

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        I think they’re just heading to a new colony or something. Seems to have passed now. We are in the countryside.

        1. Ann Furthermore*

          A friend of mine told me that she and her husband were in the kitchen one day, talking about something. She was facing the window, and his back to it. All of a sudden this horrified look came over her face and she pointed at the window. He turned around and saw what had freaked her out. There was a HUGE swarm of bees, all in a cluster, slowly moving along the back side of their house. They ended up setting up camp on the corner of their house, and they had to call a beekeeper to have it moved. When they told him what they’d seen, he said that bees do that when they’re moving the queen, and keep her in the middle of the swarm to protect her. It must have been a creepy thing to see.

          1. Bagpuss*

            It’s how they grow / reproduce .

            One queen will swarm, to start a new hive, and either there will be one left behind in the original hive or the bees left behind will raise one.

            Beekeepers will try to avoid it by doing an ‘artificial swarm’ – splitting the hive in two when it is strong and showing signs of preparing to swarm, and will also have ‘bait hives’ – providing a welcoming, empty hive in the hope that any swarm will take up residence there.

            Most beekeeping clubs etc will have people happy to collect swarms because free bees! (Bees are quite expensive to buy)

            Sadly I don’t get to play with bees anymore because I developed a serious allergy, and it’s not a relaxing hobby any more when it is trying to kill you, but they are fascinating.

      2. fposte*

        I love the idea that there’s some Dial-a-Beekeeper; “If the bees are in your house, please press one; if there are any allergies in the household, please press zero to speak to a beekeeper technician.”

        2. Mallory Janis Ian*

          My FIL had a big swarm of bees in a tree in his backyard, and he called the entomology department at the university. A professor and a grad student showed up within the hour in bee suits to collect the hive (and that was our excitement for the day).

          1. JaneB*

            I work in a uni – when we have bee swarms we ring the chemistry department, one of the profs is an amateur bee-keeper and always able to collect and find a home for swarms….

          2. studentsmuse*

            Only vaguely related: when my mom went through her mother’s possessions and found her great great grandfather’s notes from working on capitol hill right before the civil war (he was someone’s page or something, so it was said who was meeting with whom at what times and notes from those meetings), she called up a US history professor at the local university. More specifically, she called the university, got transferred to the history department, and then to the US history prof, because this was before Google.

            As with your bees, this professor showed up at our house with a grad student within the hour. They had all sorts questions about who this relative was (my mom barely knew of him) and what my mom knew about his time on capitol hill was like (my mom didn’t even knew he did that). Grad student and professor absconded with the notebook and returned with it 2 months later having taken high quality pictures of each page and small samples of the paper, ink, and binding.

            Apparently, the notebook formed the basis of that grad students’ dissertation. She sent us a copy of her dissertation and a thank you note six years later.

            It all seemed very odd at the time.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Some one needed a subject and the prof put two and two together. That is a pretty cool story. It’s great that your mom chose to share that piece of history with others. So many people horde what they have and it never sees the light of day.

            2. Bryce*

              Our grandpa had a couple of old fragile books about Jewish history that we were looking for a home for (one about Jews in Russia, the other about ones who fled the Inquisition and so became colonizers of the New World), and fortunately right at the same time as we were looking into this, an old family friend moved to town as a history professor. Serendipity.

              Books are tough for hoarding tendencies. Can’t just throw em out because they’re books, they often have enough of an emotional connection to hang onto, but they take up a lot of space. It feels like as much of an emotional effort as finding a new home for a pet. I’ve got one that I got as a birthday present almost 30 years ago, amazing book for an introduction to mechanics and engineering, that’s specifically on the wishlist of an orphanage some friends are going to be donating stuff to soon. Gonna take it back home with me on my next visitso the family has a chance to say goodbye or call dibs.

        3. Sidestep*

          The usually is, though, most every local bee club has a list of people who will come get the swarms and give them a good home. We do it!

    2. Mimmy*

      I’d be freaking out – I am TERRIFIED of bees, and I’m not even allergic! I see in your subsequent reply that they have moved on. Whew!

      1. SophieChotek*

        I would be freaked out too. (I have no idea if I am allergic…). [I’ve been told the test is almost as bad as being stung.] Second Mimmy – glad you are okay.

        1. Dizzy Steinway*

          Thanks! My friends down the road were particularly freaked as they were right by their front door. But it helped to remember that we really need bees!

      2. Melody Pond*

        When they are swarming is actually when they’re most easy-going and relaxed (and least likely to sting you). Honeybees aren’t super likely to sting anyway, unless you’re a threat to the hive and what the hive values (its babies and its food). And when they’re swarming, they have neither of those things – no babies to take care of/protect, and no food stores to guard.

    3. Cristina in England*

      There is always something new and terrifying to find out about in the world, isn’t there??

    4. Elizabeth West*

      There was a bee in the coffee shop today after meditation. Me and my friend just sat still and it eventually buzzed up toward the ceiling and didn’t come back.

    5. Coraggio*

      I sometimes drive on a country road that has a hand painted sign that says “bee swarms collected”

      I’ve also been outside during a bee swarm (& I’m allergic). I leapt into the work truck but was a total waste of time as every window was wide open (vineyard in the height of summer). Bees paid me no attention

    6. ginger ale for all*

      We had bees make their home in the outside wall of our home in the seventies. It took about two weeks to get someone to come out and get rid if them. Afterwards, we had cockroaches come out from that area of the wall into our house for decades. My parents sold the house ten years ago and I don’t know if they are still there or not. It was in Texas where the cockroaches are huge and you could count on several a day to come out. We tried so many things to get rid of them except tearing down that wall and rebuilding it.

  3. bassclefchick*

    I think it’s very appropriate that today’s Google Doodle celebrates Mary Pickford’s birthday. Today I get to go to the last silent film for the season! We’re going to see Steamboat Bill, Jr. with Buster Keaton. We’ve seen it before, but it’s very funny. And we just got the list of films for next season. Can’t wait for that! After the movie we’ll grab some dinner. Hopefully, our favorite diner won’t be too busy. We like to get their blind special – if we don’t ask what it is, we get it for half price.

    Hope everyone has a FANTASTIC weekend and gets to enjoy some warm, Spring weather!

    1. fposte*

      I love Buster Keaton. There’s something about the way Keegan-Michael Peele moves that reminds me of him, especially in the valet sketches.

    2. SeekingBetter*

      Sounds like a plan for great fun! Yes, indeed it’s nice to welcome the Spring weather!

  4. The Rat-Catcher*

    This may have been discussed last week, but I just finished Thirteen Reasons Why on Netflix, and wow.

    Trigger warning: rape/sexual assault

    I thought these scenes were extremely well-done – so well-done that the first one nearly made me ill. I love how they went after every victim-blaming and rape apologist trope that they possibly coublamIt hit the nail on the head in a terrifyingly accurate way, how prevalent and damaging sexual assault is in the lives of our teenage girls.

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      I want to watch that but I’m worried about whether I’ll cope. (I tried to take my own life as a teenager, partly due to things you mentioned here.)

      2. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I wonder if it would be easier for you to read the book first? I mean, it’s still dealing with the heavy themes, but I know for me, there are certain things I can read about easier than have visually presented.

        Either way, don’t push yourself <3

      3. The Rat-Catcher*

        Glad you are here today to be with us :)

        There are trigger warnings on the worst episodes. The last one, when the act occurs, is really graphic. I’m still processing that scene several days later. So, take care of yourself.

    2. Sugar of lead*

      I read the book when I was in high school and I remember getting chilled to the bone by those scenes. Maybe it was because I was the same age as Hannah at the time, and I realized it could just as easily happen to me.

    3. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I am in the middle of watching it now. I read the book a few years ago and thought it was incredible.

    4. Nic*

      I had not heard of it, but from the comments here I want to look into it. Thank you for mentioning!

  5. bassclefchick*

    The other thing I wanted to discuss – I know Alison does a “popular posts” thread at the end of the year. I also believe this year is the 10th anniversary of the blog (do correct me if I’m wrong about that).

    Based on the bird phobia post this week that had over 1,600 comments the last time I checked, I thought it would be interesting to find out which post got the most responses EVER (over the entire “life” of the blog, not just the current year). Not including the open threads, of course.

    So, I want to open it up (or maybe Alison has already done so?). What kind of roundup or interesting thing would you like to see for an “anniversary special”? Alison, if I’m overstepping, please feel free to delete this post. No disrespect intended, I just really enjoy this blog!

    1. AnotherAnon*

      I feel like it might be the bird post! It seems like readership and commenting has substantially increased over the last year or so, and I recall before that few posts (excluding open threads) surpassed the 1,000 comment mark.

      1. Sherm*

        The most commented (non-open thread) post of 2014 got 761 comments. Seems kind of quaint now!

        1. bassclefchick*

          That does seem quaint! It’s been really interesting seeing how the blog has grown since I’ve started reading it. I check it every day, but don’t always comment.

          OTOH, I really can’t remember how I found this blog (probably Googled some job hunting question, most likely cover letters) or how long I’ve been reading!!

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yeah, that still holds the title of most-commented (2,595) but I put more in category of an open thread because the whole point was for people to weigh in. But yes, the bird one is right behind it (2,233, and I just closed comments on it today). I didn’t see that coming at all (I originally put it in a five-answers post!).

        1. The IT Manager*

          Not to offend, but, Alison I think you need to work on your ability to guess which letters will generate tons of reader comments to avoid the open putting them on five-answers post.

          I think the next day’s gender-neutral pronoun also overwhelmed the short answers. I saw that one coming. When the LW’s are wrong but writing in for validation they tend to get a lot of responses and yeah, it becomes a pile on but the reader’s read and want to respond to the tone deafness or something.

          OTOH the bird one is in a category all it’s own … maybe it fits in with there’s clear moral answer or nobody wins.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            I’m not offended! Part of publishing as much content every week as I do is that I make trade-offs in other areas; one of them is that I’m sometimes rushed and don’t spot the potential for that to happen. I’m more or less okay with that trade-off; while I’d like to avoid having one letter overwhelm the others, I don’t think it’s a disaster if it happens. (And sometimes that’s the only way I’m going to print a particular letter because it doesn’t feel standalone-post-worthy.)

            But I wouldn’t have printed the bird one at all if I could do it all over.

            1. Anon for This*

              That’s interesting, can you expand on that? I feel like it was a really unique letter.

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                A bunch of reasons: the extreme amount of speculation being stated confidently as absolute fact, which drives me crazy even in small doses and this was massive doses of it … how often the discussion turned totally black and white without allowing for nuance or shades of grey … the really crappy treatment of people with mental health issues … and the idea that empathy is a zero-sum game, and we couldn’t give any to Jack without somehow taking from Liz.

                2. DArcy*

                  Or vice versa. Some people conversely seemed to believe that you couldn’t be sympathetic to Jack’s mental health issues without insisting that Liz had no right to be upset over her injury.

                3. Someone*

                  There were some people who saw it as a black and white issue, but a good amount of commenters DID fall into the middle. For future readers the post definitely has some food for thought.
                  Even if the assumptions made it a somewhat theoretical situation it was a very interesting question that certainly deserved discussion.

                  Besides, I know that in the past I defended one position but later – quite some time after the discussion – I realized that the other person had a point, and changed my mind. And I’m pretty sure this delayed change of mind happens to a lot of people.

                  So I like to think that despite the harsher comments the “this is a gray morale issue”-comments will have an effect on at least some of the differently-opinioned readers sooner or later.

                4. Lynly*

                  100% agree. Nuance does not seem like a strong point among a good deal of the commentariat here. Black and white, digital thinking rules. Have you ever thought about doing an “educational post” (for lack,of a better term), walking through a “case scenario” pointing out nuances, demonstrating a balanced and empathetic response to both “sides?” I mean really, a large amount of HR/management issues are not black and white and resolution doesn’t necessarily require finding a villain. Anyway, just food for thought. Maybe such a post could help raise the bar on comment content and quality. It’s a long shot, I know. Thanks!

                5. emma2*

                  I think what soured a lot of people’s perception of Jack is the OP’s statement “Jack didn’t do anything to help Liz.” If we took them at their word, Jack sounded really selfish and lacking in empathy. To be honest, I went off of that first impression a bit until I thought about it more and realized that this was a third-hand account, and the guy has a phobia which resulted in a shocking situation – he wasn’t going to react to the situation normally.

            2. emma2*

              If I published posts daily, I wouldn’t have the mental capacity to always foresee which letter will attract the most interest. Especially with the number of strange stories you must receive – if I frequently read crazy anecdotes, my sense of excitement would be significantly diluted. The bird phobia post largely became a discussion about mental illness, which is a hot topic.

          2. Glenn*

            Here’s my theory about the bird one: It’s getting a lot of answers because it’s a Rorschach test. That is, it’s a complex situation that doesn’t (and probably couldn’t) include enough details in the letter to clearly assign blame to one party or the other. So everybody reads their own experience into the letter, and you end up with people making different and contradictory assumptions about the facts, in order to fit the conclusions they want to reach, and so you end up with an argument nobody can win because people are reading different facts.

            1. Jillociraptor*

              That really resonates. The ambiguity (or the need to figure out how to meaningfully balance different competing needs) makes it a very interesting advice column question, and also probably a fairly open field for interpretations through our own various triggers and concerns.

              Very interesting theory!

              1. Casuan*

                I’m a fan of brainstorming; often the wildest idea I almost didn’t bother to note is the idea that morphs into a workable concept or solution.

                Alison’s replies to her OPs & the comments really help me to perceive situations from various angles. Even if I don’t agree, still I appreciate the paradigm. I tend to think a lot of AAM commenters think the same. It helps that Alison monitors what she can & commenters even monitor each other because she’s given us a relaxing place to hang out & share our thoughts.

              1. Glenn*

                Thank you! I love your blog, though I comment rarely. I’m relatively early in my career, and I feel like I’ve learned a lot from you!

            3. New Bee*

              What a great point. I also think lots of commenters have strong feelings about fair/rightness that were triggered by the post, hence the numerous subthreads on Jack being “punished” when that wasn’t on the table in the OP.

              I found myself an outlier on both that and the norovirus post, and while I don’t envy Alison having to mod more, I appreciate the opportunity to think about why I feel differently and what I can take away from other viewpoints.

            4. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

              You’re much kinder than me. I think people like to comment on posts where they can feel superior to the LW (or a character in the story a LW is sharing).

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      And yes, the 10-year anniversary is next month (which blows my mind — it does not seem like 10 years) and I have no idea how to mark it!

      1. Realistic*

        I’d love to see us celebrate in a helpful way, if possible. Perhaps a job-training-support program for clothes or books or computers that AAM folks could consider donating to “on your behalf”? A scholarship program for people returning to the workforce? I don’t know what it would look like in terms of supporting your mission and your values, Alison, I just know that I’d gladly kick in a few bucks to an established program that goes along with AAM’s general purpose. I know some of us (myself included) helped a commenter a year or two ago who needed clothes to start her new job. Many more people offered than she needed. I would be glad to help you find someplace, if you like this idea.

          1. Realistic*

            Two places that come to my mind, without doing research are Kiva (“Make a loan to an entrepreneur across the globe for as little as $25; Receive updates on your loans and see the dollars return to your Kiva account. Re-loan or withdraw.”) and Heifer International (“Heifer International is a charity organization working to end hunger and poverty around the world by providing livestock and training to struggling communities.”)
            https://www.kiva.org/
            and
            https://www.heifer.org/about-heifer/index.html

        3. fposte*

          Oh, I like that. If you find someplace with some decent presence that goes beyond the local, I would be really interested.

        5. Becca*

          Dress for Success comes to mind! It’s focused towards women, but I imagine there’s something similar for men too. This is such a wonderful idea, Realistic!!

      3. Not So NewReader*

        I’d like to see an open thread with people writing in just to say how your advice here has helped them in big or small ways.

        Lately we have been caught in some tough posts that had hard discussions following the posts. It would be nice to take a breather from that and have a day where we talk about what is right and what is good that is going on here.

        And no, it’s not an ego trip thing if you do this. Consider this way, you have all these friends and they only get together at your place. There is no other place these people can gather. So why not invite them over to talk about what they have gained in work/life by reading here. Those who wish can share personal stories to the degree they wish to share.

        3. Casuan*

          I emphatically concur with fposte!!

          My contribution to this is Alison selected one-to-a-few of her friends/colleagues/loyal subjects as guest contributors.
          Friends & colleagues don’t need criteria. Loyal subject criteria could be based on long-time followers or… it’s Alison’s blog so she gets to choose who she wants!
          And it’s Alison’s anniversary so she can post something herself. :-)

          :::there’s a fuzzy thought of Alison posting a cover letter to herself as to why she’d be a good candidate to start her own blog:::

        6. Sunflower*

          I agree- and if it does feel too ego trippy (which i don’t think it is) you could re-frame it into a ‘most helpful post/piece of advice found on the blog’

      4. Sabine the Very Mean*

        I would love it if you would offer a round of critiquing resumes! I know that doesn’t help you celebrate but I would love if you would look at my resume and would jump on a chance to put my name in for such an experience.

    4. Nic*

      I believe Alison mentioned in the comments somewhere recently that the bird one actually has the most comments ever. I certainly have noticed the comment count going up significantly over the last few years I’ve read here. I’m part of the reason, moving from lurker, and I’m sure there are many others.

      Going viral a few times will do that!

  6. Cruciatus*

    I just finished All Our Wrong Todays a couple of weeks ago. It was…OK. It was not the book I was expecting when I picked it up, though I did like parts of it (mainly the second half of the book). I was disappointed how much focus there was on romance (which I don’t always hate–it just was not what I expected and I guess I was hoping for something else). I also disliked how often the main character kept saying how he’s not a good writer and blah blah blah because it made me think a little too often about the actual author… Can’t say more without potentially spoiling it for others!

  7. LawCat*

    Does anyone have tips or recommended books for beginner car campers? We want to try camping this summer (like 3 days, 2 nights at a time). We recently acquired sleeping bags and a tent so we have those. We have camp chairs and a small cooler.

    We don’t have a clear idea of what we actually need. Like, do we really need to get a propane camp stove?

    1. Minerva McGonagall*

      RE: camp stove – for most things you can cook on a grill, or roast weiners over a fire if permitted. (do check the restrictions on open flames in advance).

      But for me the deciding question has always been this: do you want to be able to have coffee in the morning without leaving the camp site?

      1. LawCat*

        Ohhhh… coffee! We often drink cold coffee in the summer so we could just do overnight cold brew. The kiddo likes hot tea though so maybe we should get a camp stove.

    2. TL -*

      It depends – do you want hot food?
      All you really need is 3 days’ worth of food and water and adequate cover in clothing. Everything else is comfort. :)

    3. Kj*

      You may want a gas stove- camp sites don’t really have electricity and campfires, though fun, are very inefficient. You can do foil packet meals and hot dogs on the fire, but boiling water on a campfire is time consuming and if you want coffee in the AM, you’ll want a camp stove. You can get a propane one or a tiny backpacking stove.

      You’ll want to be sure to secure your cooler from critters- you can put it back in the car at night or have some sort of lock that raccoons can’t get. If you are camping where there are bears, just use the car.

      If you are camping where there are summer rains, consider a shelter for cooking. Cooking in the rain is pretty annoying. Eating in the rain too.

      Practice putting up your tent! Practice using the rainfly- rain in the tent is not fun!

      Think about where you are going to get campfire wood- and always check to see if there is a burn ban in effect where you are going.

      Don’t forget bug repellent and be careful of ticks. It pays to do tick checks daily if going in a tick-heavy area!

      Make sure you know what to do if you encounter hostile wildlife!

      Camping is fun, your first time you will learn all kinds of things that you didn’t know. Go visit an REI or outdoors store and talk to folks there who are familiar with your destination.

      1. Kj*

        Also, if you say the area where you are planning to camp (even just the state) we might be able to give you more specific info. I’ve camped in NM, AZ, TX, CO, WA, OR, MA, and CA.

          1. LawCat*

            Northern and Central California (can do mountains or coast) :-) Thanks for the tips!!

            1. LawCat*

              What are the tiny stoves? I have seen the Coleman ones that have two burners and they are bigger than what I would want. We live in an apartment so I don’t want to have to store more “stuff” than we have to.

              1. Tau*

                Not sure if Kj means these same ones, but you can get gas burners that will screw on top of gas canisters. They’re very small so really handy if you’re backpacking or cycling or the like, but they’re a lot more unstable than the ones that have been linked so you have to be careful with them. Generally when I’m using them I am always holding the pot steady with one of those metal pot holders. You also have to be careful about what type of canisters you get, as different types have different vents and your stove may only go with one type.

                Another variety of small camping stove is the Trangia brand (not sure if any other brands do anything similar), which are a lot more stable than the sits-on-the-gas-canister ones but which I’ve always found super awkward to light, adjust and extinguish.

                I’ll try to drop a link in another comment so you can see what I mean.

                2. Elkay*

                  I love my Trangia but I can see why people don’t like them, you can get gas Trangias (rather than meths or green heat) which I think is a good compromise, although they are expensive.

                3. AcademiaNut*

                  There are even lighter versions – the MSR WhisperLite International Backpacking Stove runs off of multiple types of fuel and is compatible with refill canisters, with the fuel off to the side of the burner rather than below. They’re a bit finicky to use, though, and handle smaller pots better than a larger stove, but are great if all you want to do is boil water.

                  I’ve seen one burner coleman types that take screw on fuel canisters – they’re popular where I live for hot pot, and are often used at restaurants. That would be more compact than those two burner deals. Google “Hot pot stove” and some images pop up.

                4. Nye*

                  Another consideration is that if you’re going to buy a camp stove, if you’re in CA you should buy one with a shut-off valve. (Rather than an alcohol or wood stove, etc.) While this year had been mercifully wet, in drought years many wild places in the West ban any fire source without a shut-off, so it would be a better choice for the future.

                1. ginger ale for all*

                  You can also check out camping equipment from various places. The university I work at does this. I think you can even check out canoes and kayaks.

            2. Kj*

              It may be pretty buggy- my summer CA trips were always filled with flying pests, so bug spray is really need. NorCal gets pretty cold at night- you’ll need lots of layers. Bears are a thing- you’ll need to take precautions- keep food locked up, don’t cook by the tent.

              As to small stoves, they make ones with tiny gas canisters. They are light and easy to use- I don’t like hauling around propane tanks.

            3. CAA*

              Just FYI – if you camp in the mountains in Northern CA and some parts of Central CA, you will have to keep your food and toiletries in a bear box which is provided at the campground. You can’t keep food in a car in bear country because they will smell it and peel open your vehicle as if it were a sardine can. The black bears we have in CA do not usually bother with people unless you get between a mama and her cubs, but they do like our food and garbage so parks are strict about keeping stuff where they can’t get at it.

              Some good places to camp in the areas you mentioned would be:
              – Calaveras Big Trees State Park
              – Lassen National Park
              – campgrounds around lakes Shasta, Trinity, Whiskeytown, Berryessa (added benefit, they actually all have water this year!)
              – Lava Beds National Monument
              – Yosemite National Park (may be too late to get reservations in the valley this summer)
              – Sequoia National Park
              – Pinnacles National Monument
              – Kirby Cove — here you wake up to a view of the sun rising under the Golden Gate bridge, amazing!
              – lots of campgrounds along the Mendocino County coast and points north, but I haven’t visited any of them

              2. blackcat*

                If it’s too late to get a Yosemite campground, there are a lot of nearby campgrounds in the surrounding wilderness areas (eg Hoover Wilderness). You can see most on reserveamerica dot com.

              3. Connie-Lynne*

                Hendy Woods up near Philo is beautiful for car camping. Added bonus, you can do a day trip into town for the Anderson Valley Brewing tour, or one of the three local champagne wineries!

            4. blackcat*

              For mountains, I do not recommend going above 5 or 6 thousand feet for a first trip. High elevations can make you sick, make it harder to do basic things like cook (water boils at a lower temp, so you need to cook things like pasta and rice for longer, have more unpredictable weather, and can be COLD even in summer.

              My husband didn’t believe me about that last one the first time I took him on a high Sierra camping trip (he’s an east coast eagle scout, and so I think it took it hard that I was telling him what to do). Our first night on the trail, he his water outside, after I had told him to bring it into the tent. It was mostly frozen in the morning. So when I say cold, I mean it can get below 25 F overnight, even if it’s pleasant and 75 during the day.

      2. Zathras*

        Expanding on the campfire wood part – get campfire wood as close as possible to where you will be camping, because moving campfire wood around can be a vector for invasive species bugs.

        +1 on practicing putting up your tent. Trying to figure out which parts go where for the first time in the dark when you are really hungry and tired is not fun.

        Cooking on a fire is harder than you might think, because you have less control over the temperature than you are used to, so I do recommend a stove. You can bring a bucket or plastic dish basin to wash dishes in.

        People have had some good suggestions for additional gear, so here’s one about the price point – when you’re just starting out it can be hard to know what gear you really need. With outdoor gear, after a certain point the more expensive stuff isn’t any more functional, it’s just lighter weight. For car camping weight’s not a big concern.

        I suggest headlamps if you don’t have them already, because it’s nice to be able to have both hands free at night. Get a simple one in the $30-$40 range that has the red night vision setting – it’s nice to use that if you have to get up to pee or something. (Headlamps are also useful at home when the power goes out, when you are trying to fix something in a dark corner, etc.)

        I would definitely get sleeping mats – their primary purpose is insulation, the cushioning is a secondary benefit. Even when it’s warm out the ground is a MASSIVE heat sink (literally), and you would be surprised how quickly you can get really cold. I have slept comfortably on the $25 foam type, but many people find the inflatable kind much more comfortable. REI usually has sample ones you can lay on to try them out.

        Most of all, have fun! Plan for riding out a little bit of bad weather, but also don’t be afraid to leave early and try again on a different weekend if you end up miserable in torrential downpours or something. It’s not about forcing yourself to endure suffering!

        1. StrikingFalcon*

          Also bring a well stocked first aid kit! You will hopefully never need it, but you want to have it if you do.

    4. Nancy B*

      I do not love camping, but we do it once in a while as a way to vacation on the cheap. I didn’t like the camp stove we borrowed from a friend, so I bought a GAS ONE GS-3000 Portable Gas Stove and liked it a lot better. It’s easy to use and comes in a nice carrying case. It’s just one burner, though, so if you think you’ll want to cook two things at once, it’s not the right thing for you.

      Link for GAS ONE stove on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BS4RP7S/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

      Consider sleeping mats. If you’re young and spry, you might be able to sleep right on the floor of your tent. I think a lot of people, however, prefer self-inflating mats or even air mattresses.

      Here’s an example of a self-inflating sleeping pad. There are lots of different ones out there, but Therm-a-rest is a good brand:
      https://www.amazon.com/Therm-a-Rest-Trail-Scout-Mattress-Regular/dp/B00G4V2YJ4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1491669826&sr=8-1&keywords=thermarest+self+inflating+mattress

      When I first started camping with my husband and kids, I found lots of websites and blogs for people who either don’t really like camping or who are just inexperienced. I suggest searching Pinterest for ideas. I also went to a free lecture at a nearby REI for rookie campers. I highly recommend this if you have REI in your area.

      1. LawCat*

        Oh, that stove looks doable for us!! I have just seen the two burner ones, which I don’t want because of the size (we live in an apartment so storage is in issue). The single burner looks like it could be ideal! I had not seen that before!

        We live near an REI and I looked up their class schedule, but nothing coming up for rookie campers :-/

        1. ...& Vinegar...*

          Oh, lucky you to be near an REI store. Staff there will be very helpful.

          I’d go look around the store, and then start asking questions – what do they recommend and why? They’ll likely be delighted to help get your family started on camping.

          First time sleeping on the ground often isn’t much fun. You want padding between you and the ground as much for insulation as much as for protection from lumps and bumps that look negligible but feel ginormous. Inflatable pads might take up less storage space but won’t be as warm as a solid pad – but can double as a guest bed indoors.

          Dish tub: get something you can wash dishes in on site. Paper works for a lot, but pots and pans and serving utensils will need to be cleaned.

          Keep dry: footwear, raingear, rainflap on the tent. Dew in the morning can make for wet feet.

          Gas burner: a single burner option should be enough to get you started. Hot drinks in the morning and a warm meal if you’re cold make a big difference in overall comfort.

          Cooler: Yes to keeping it in the car when you’re not using it.

          Light: you want flashlights for walking around, and something to use in the tent for reading, etc.

          TP: bring your own roll just in case, and keep it in a resealable plastic bag.

          Have a great time!

    5. Ms Ida*

      If you have REI stores in your area they might have campouts. Here in Oregon they do campouts at state parks aimed at new campers they will have some organized activities like a hike and “Outdoor School” classes to learn more about camping. REI has pretty extensive lists online of supplies for different kinds of camping.
      Your local library probably has books too and you can get different ideas of what to bring. Try books for back
      Packing too. Just starting off it is better to work up to what you want instead of buying a ton stuff and finding out you never used it.

    6. Uncivil Engineer*

      I suggest a pad (or inflatable cushion) for under the sleeping bags. I am unable to sleep on the ground without one.

      1. Elkay*

        If you’re going in the car you can take a full inflatable mattress with a pump which plugs into your cigarette lighter.

    7. CAA*

      As others have said, if you don’t have a camp stove, you won’t be eating much hot food at your campsite. I mostly camp in California, where you are only supposed to burn firewood purchased at the campground (can’t collect wood in parks and bringing it from home introduces bad bugs to the forest); so if you only want to cook over fires, you end up spending a lot of money on wood and also spending a lot of time building fires.

      One thing I would recommend is not buying a lot of additional equipment until after you’ve camped some more and know what you really need. Around here, there are several places that will rent whatever gear you need for short trips. You can easily find them via Google or Yelp. I do agree that good sleeping pads are a must, so if you don’t have them, rent some.

      Another option for food is to bring cold breakfasts and lunches and go out to dinner. There’s no rule that says you have to stay in the campground. You have a car and unless you’re way out in the middle of nowhere, you can always drive to the nearest town and eat in a restaurant if you want to. Many of the National Parks have historic lodges with very nice restaurants.

    8. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Like everyone says, you don’t need a stove but you’ll appreciate having one. The weather doesn’t always cooperate with building a fire, and while hot breakfasts over the fire are nice, they take a long time. You’ll also appreciate having a cover for the picnic table. You can buy a pop-up cover or you can use a tarp and rope if you know you’ll have enough trees. Tarping a campsite is a fine art. If you’re really good and the trees cooperate you can tarp the tent as well as the picnic table and create this oasis of shade and dry on a rainy day.

      Camping is like moving into an empty house: you’ll need to bring everything. You can google for packing lists to make sure you don’t forget something essential. You can use stuff you already own for most of this, (that’s why you have the car) and if you like camping then you can buy more specialized stuff. It’s also great to have some type of containers to organize everything in your car because you’ll be keeping it all there and accessing it for each meal. Boxes, paper bags or plastic totes are fine, just make sure you have more containers than it takes to pack it all. You’ll also want to be aware of whatever critters frequent your campground and what you need to keep them away from your food. Extra trash bags or grocery bags are nice to have too.

      You can cook pretty much anything on a camp stove or over a fire, but half the fun of camping is camp food. Pinterest is a great resource for ideas. Plan to eat something cold for both the first meal after you arrive and the meal before you pack to go home.

      1. StrikingFalcon*

        If you do want to try cooking over the fire (and it’s fun to do, although I wouldn’t want to do it for every meal), keep in mind that you generally don’t cook over the fire itself, but the embers – they are hotter and more even in temperature. So you have to build a decent sized fire and wait for it to die down, which takes an hour or two. You can then cook by either placing wrapped foods under the coals (like baked potatoes wrapped in tin foil), or by placing a grate (like those in ovens) on two rocks/bricks over the coals. You could also use a Dutch oven (among the coals) – this is what they were designed for.

    9. Tau*

      So I grew up camping, although more backpacking-camping than car-camping (other kids got to go to Disneyland, my brother and I got dragged up and down mountains). As a result, some of my advice may not be completely relevant! All the same, thoughts:

      – As others have said, if you want anything hot you probably want some sort of gas stove. Making a campfire is not really something I’d see as a viable way of cooking, particularly not when it comes to e.g. boiling water. On that note, I’d recommend hot drinks, as…
      – Camping can be surprisingly cold even in the summer. (This bit may vary by climate – I’ve mainly gone camping in various parts of Europe and Washington/Oregon). Something hot to drink can really help if the temperature falls come night-time – think tea, hot chocolate, but also broth or instant soup. My family usually takes a variety of will-make-hot-water-tasty things with us when we’re camping. Also, bring a jacket and long trousers.
      – Air mattresses! I would honestly not even consider sleeping on the tent floor just in your sleeping bag as an option. If you have camping friends, you can maybe ask if you can borrow theirs if you don’t want to make the initial investment. I would absolutely not camp without these.
      – Your tent may come with a tarp (not sure if this is the right word) that goes on the ground under the tent in order to protect it. These are very handy, but if you use one and you are in a climate area where it can rain in the summer, make sure that every single part of it is completely covered by tent. If any of it is exposed and it rains in the night, the water will run onto the tarp and you’ll find your tent swimming come morning.
      – If your tent has a separate inner and outer tent and it gets cool at night, make absolutely certain that nothing in your tent is pushing the inner tent so it makes contact with the outer one. This is because of condensation; it’ll form on the outer tent during the night, but if the inner tent is touching it in any place the water will form inside the tent instead. It’s unpleasant.
      – My personal rule of thumb for camping is this: the instant you reach the camp site, you put up the tent. You may be tempted to delay, organise dinner first, explore, whatever – nope. Put up the tent first. The very last thing you want to happen is for it to get dark and for you to start getting cold and tired and the tent still needs to be put up. (A friend of mine says that in camping the #1 thing you have to watch out for is that you are never more than one of cold, hungry or tired at once. This is part of that.)

      1. Zathras*

        I like that “cold, hungry, tired” saying – I may steal that!

        Seriously if anyone tells you it’s OK to just sleep directly on the tent floor, they probably either A) have never done it or B) they did, and were miserable, and think that somehow makes the camping experience more authentic (it doesn’t).

        I have done it, exactly once, so please learn from my mistake! It was 15 years ago and I still remember how cold I was.

        2. Tau*

          I’ve totally stolen it myself! It really gets to the essentials.

          And just, seriously. I mean – as said, I’m used to more backpacking style camping, which tends to be rougher than car camping for obvious reasons. Showers are a luxury, you had to pare down your clothes to the point where you can only change your socks every three days, that kind of thing. And I would never, ever go camping without some sort of mattress. My parents, who still tell the story of the time they went on a week-long trek in Canada and a bear ate all their supplies and they were forced to continue hungry and beg food off the few people they encountered per day, would tell you the same.

          It can be a full-on air mattress that needs to be pumped, it can be one of the thinner self-inflating ones (which I use), it can even be the old foam plastic ones… but you need SOMETHING between you and the ground.

        3. Elizabeth West*

          I remember doing it in Girl Scouts and even though we were kids, OUCH. At camp, when they took us hiking and the tents got flooded and we slept in a 100-year-old barn, we took foam water slide pads along with us. They weren’t much, but SO much better than sleeping on the dirt. I’d have to have an air mattress now because I’m old, LOL.

        4. Sylvia*

          Yeah, even if you can sleep on a tent floor, you want something to lift your sleeping bag up in case rain leaks into the floor of your tent.

          I learned this one the hard way.

    10. Snorlax*

      As others have said, keep the cooler in the car overnight to keep it from the critters. From personal experience, I also caution you not to take any food into your tent – not even empty food wrapper trash. Nothing like waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of angry raccoons who appear to be fighting about which one of them gets to break into your tent to get the peanut-butter-granola-bar wrappers!

      We are lazy campers, so we don’t bring a stove. We pack our cooler with prepared foods from the deli (like seven-grain salads and lentil dishes that taste good cold). And we usually go into town for dinner one night while camping.

      1. Wheeze-Shaft*

        Please do not under any circumstances leave a cooler in a car overnight. Especially if you are camping in CA as the OP indicates they are. This is simply inviting wildlife to attempt to break in to your car and they’re good at it too! I’ve camped in Norther and Central CA my whole life and earned my Eagle Scout and don’t do this! Leave it in the bear box please!

        1. Snorlax*

          Good advice since you’re familiar with California camping! I totally can see why my cooler advice is only applicable to my area. Here in my midwestern state the raccoons are the biggest problem and they haven’t figured out how to break into my car yet. :). We don’t have bears here, so no bear boxes.

        2. CAA*

          We cross posted as I gave the same advice above. The coastal campgrounds I’m familiar with don’t have bears or bear boxes though. This is really only a problem in forested mountain areas, so you could avoid the issue by camping along the coast.

          1. DArcy*

            If you’re in an area with no bear boxes, you need to hang your food and all ‘smelly’ items well away from tents and/or cars. The typical way to do it is run a line between two trees (like a clothesline, but as high up as you can possibly reach), and then split your items between two equally weighted bags, tie the bags together, and hang them across the line in the middle.

            1. CAA*

              I would not recommend that for someone who’s just starting out with car camping though! Really, if you’re in an established park or campground, the rangers will tell you if you have to worry about bears.

            2. Connie-Lynne*

              This is not necessary if you’re not in an area with bears. If you’re in a bear area, there will be not only bear lockers but also GIGANTIC WARNING SIGNS everywhere. And the rangers will caution you on your way in.

              California takes bears seriously. You’ll know if it’s a problem where you are.

        3. blackcat*

          I have encountered a bear napping in a car (post breaking in and eating food) in CA.

          Bears are crafty. The experienced ones among them know how to bust the window and then unlock a door from the inside, and then open the door (much easier than ripping a door off). I have also heard of them doing the same with trunks (popping it from the inside).

          Do not underestimate california bears. No need to be afraid of them, but do not underestimate them.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      Light. If there is the slightest chance that you will be setting up a tent after dark, one or two headlamps that leave your hands free and aim the light where you’re looking will be worth their weight in curse words. And some sort of ‘room light’ like a heavy square flashlight or battery powered lantern–it’s remarkable how fast “well it’s dark, must be really late, it’s… 7:45” sets in.

      1. Jules the First*

        If you have a headlamp and need a temporary lantern, just fill a clear waterbottle and strap your light over the bottom of the bottle so it shines through the water…voila, instant lantern!

        You’ll want something to store drinking water in at your campsite too, if you don’t already have it. As for gear, I know MEC in Canada will rent you most of what you need…I’d have thought REI would do the same (or be able to point you in the direction of someone who can?)?

    13. MT*

      I’m a big fan of the Knack: Make it Easy how-to series. Their book “Car Camping for Everyone” has been a good reference for my SO and I for spontaneous weekend trips!

      1. gingerblue*

        Thanks for this rec! I’ve been thinking of doing a lot more travel and camping too, and this thread has been really useful.

    14. Franzia Spritzer*

      I think you can skip the book and go to youtube or pinterest for lists of stuff you’ll need from the basics to glamping.

    15. Not So NewReader*

      Do a dry run first. Maybe even camp in your own backyard. Bring everything you think you will need and see how it goes. A friend of mine did this and found it very helpful.

      1. StrikingFalcon*

        Ooh this is great advice. You will always find something you forgot to consider your first time around.

    16. Jessica*

      Specific campground recommendation: Princess in the Sequioa National Forest. It’s our favorite, and we go back year after year, because it’s spacious, well-shaded, and close to lots of fun stuff (easy drive to Hume Lake for swimming, down to all the gorgeousness that is King’s Canyon, and to the amazing trees in Grant’s Grove).

      There’s lots of good advice here already, but some smaller things that help make camping pleasant:
      -clothesline and clothes pins. It’s nice to be able to hang up towels, swimsuits, dish rags, etc.
      -welding gloves, if you’ll be doing a lot of fire cooking. They’re just nice to have. (Totally optional, though.)
      -a dishtub, so dishes are easy to do at your site. (Or paper plates – really!)
      -enough trashbags. You’ll be glad you have them. (Nice for sticking the dirty clothes in, too!)
      -a water jug/container that holds at least a gallon or two. It’ll save you from walking back and forth between your site and the faucet every time you’re thirsty or need to wash your hands.
      -a hammock!
      -nice folding chairs, if you can afford them. Good for sitting and reading in, while enjoying all the pretty around you.
      -books! I love reading while I camp. Books + gorgeous scenery + a good cup of coffee? It’s about the happiest I am all year round. :)

      1. Jessica*

        I really should have added: most of what I listed aren’t even close to necessities. But if you’re going to be there awhile and you’re going to relax, they are things we’ve found make the experience more fun. I hope you have a great time!

    17. Elizabeth West*

      What a fun question. I haven’t been camping in ages, since I don’t go alone. I’m bookmarking this for future reference–when I find someone to camp with. :)

    18. Jessesgirl72*

      I love my camp stove, and personally wouldn’t camp without it. It’s a consistent and fast way to cook your food- in a way that a grill or campfire is not. When you get to your campsite late after work, and it takes awhile to set up a tent, and you’re starving and just want to heat something and be done with it, you will think every penny spent on that camp stove was worth it.

      One trick we learned by accident when my husband was trying to keep warm, is that moving blankets (of the cheap kind you can get at home improvement stores, but the thick kind actual movers use and sometimes leave one behind is best) put down inside the tent makes a huge difference in keeping condensation from building up inside the tent- a bone dry floor is such a luxury. And if things turn cold, they are really insulating.

      My other main tip is to not take your first trip on a holiday weekend. In fact, depending on the state/area, I’d suggest avoiding holiday weekends like the plague.

      I also suggest a good lamp/flashlight combo. And obviously you need marshmallow sticks. ;)

  8. AnotherAnon*

    What are everyone’s thoughts on using a real estate agent to sell your home vs. going to the for-sale-by-owner route? I’m meeting with a real estate agent later today for a no-charge certified market analysis to get an idea of what I should be listing my home for. I’m comfortable doing the legwork and hiring experts for the legal work, but my biggest hangup with the idea of for-sale-by-owner as a person who lives alone is opening up my home to strangers (mostly those who come without a buyer’s realtor to supervise) and hoping they don’t have bad intentions (which I realize is something real estate agents face all the time!).

    1. the gold digger*

      I have sold one house. I used a realtor because I did not want to deal with showing the house. My realtor told me what I needed to do to make the house more appealing (not much, because I had already done a lot of painting and minor repairs), suggested a price to me ($40K more than I paid for the house eight years before and $5K below the price of the similar house next door, which had been on the market for months), and had two full-price offers in hand in three days. She handled all the paperwork except what the lawyer needed to do. She was definitely worth the money.

    2. Victoria, Please*

      We tried to sell by owner and got exactly nowhere. Engaged a realtor and sold the house for more than we thought we could and she did all the work! I would recommend finding a good realtor; this is a really tough job to DIY.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t blame you for not wanting strangers in your house while living alone. I’m guessing you would be scheduling appointments, so do you have anyone close by that can come over and be in the house with you? Maybe schedule appointments back-to-back on a Saturday morning (or whatever works for you), so that the person who stays with you doesn’t have to make multiple trips in a day.

      Selling without a realtor seems so daunting to me. I’d be interested to read the answers on this one, as we thought about this, too. Not the current house, but the rental. We’d love to unload it–even though we have a PAYING renter–; however, we’re already underwater on it and I would hate to have to pay a realtor’s commission on top of that. As it is, we’d have to take some sort of loan to bridge the gap between whatever we can get for it and what we owe with the first and second mortgages. Although with my dad recently passing and us having to sell his house, which has only 10,000.00 left on the mortgage, it’s possible my cut of the profit could take care of that. I really hoping so!

    4. MaybeTomorrow*

      Research realtors. We just “fired” ours because he did zero to sell our house. He told us to list it at one price, then immediately started pushing to drop the price by a significant amount. He basically lied about what to list it at so we would sign a contract with him.
      He didnt do a broker open house. He did one open house that he didnt advertise, so two people came.
      He was always gone out of town, so never around to really do much. He doesnt have a good relationship with other brokers, which WILL bite you in the ass because they wont suggest your home to their buyers. We found that out the hard way.

      Just make sure you ask around, from people you know have sold a house. Talk to other realtors at different companies and ask about their working relationships with each other. Good luck.

      1. the gold digger*

        Oh yeah. A good realtor is key! Primo hired a realtor to sell his mom and dad’s house. (We live on the other side of the country from them.) He decided to go with the new guy to give him a chance.

        Do not do this. Do not give someone a chance. Find someone with a ton of experience and a lot of recommendations.

        The guy Primo hired didn’t tell Primo about work the buyers wanted done. He just did it himself, but when the buyers wanted proof, he did not have invoices to show. (And the estate would have paid for the repairs! It was not an issue of money.)

        He was almost never available – when there were crises (is that the plural?), Primo had to deal with them long distance. For instance, the house closed on Christmas Eve. The buyers had said they would take some of the furniture that was in the house when the looked at it, but then they decided at the last minute they didn’t want it. The realtor said he would get rid of the furniture, which was fine – the estate will pay!

        But all he did was put it on the curb. Sofa, chairs, other big things.

        On the curb.

        In front of the neighbors’ house.

        The neighbors who called Primo on Christmas day to complain.

        Do not give the new guy a chance. Hire someone with rock-solid credentials.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Following on this, read that contract carefully–make sure it’s not spelling out that if you wind up in the above situation you *can’t* fire them and hire someone else.

      3. Nic*

        My current roommate ran into this trying to sell his last house. They fired the original realtor after he had suggested they drop the price SEVERAL times equaling a good 20% price drop total. He later found out that this particular realtor had a connection to someone who flips houses, and may have been trying to get it to an appropriate level to sell to that person.

        The new realtor was able to get the house sold for more than they had already dropped the price to, and within just a couple of weeks. They’d had the other realtor for months.

    5. what can it hurt?*

      The buyer of our last house did not have a realtor, and she was a real piece of work. Our realtor was worth every penny because she ended up running interference. The buyer would email any time a question popped into her head, and I think our realtor was getting 2-3 emails from her a day, for weeks. The realtor would talk the buyer down from really weird requests (wanting us to repaint the inside of the dining room to her preferred color), explain why some things weren’t really possible, and only came to us when needed (the exact date of our roof, for example.) I think we were all shocked when the closing actually happened, and our realtor retired shortly thereafter. We wonder if our buyer was the nail in the coffin for her.

    6. super anon*

      My partner is a realtor so I am probably biased, but I say always use a realtor. The biggest reason why is that if anything goes wrong with the property after/the deal, your realtor will deal with it for you. It’s also a lot easier to have your realtor coordinate showings and field calls from interested realtors and clients, as they will call at all hours of the day and if you’re working a regular 9-5 that can be very frustrating to deal with. I especially will never understand why buyers don’t use realtors, because where we live buyers pay no commission, so it really isn’t in your best interest as a buyer not to use one.

      Example: One of my partner’s clients bought a home in a pretty standard purchase. A few months later there was an issue in one of the closets, and when the client brought in someone to fix it it was discovered that a false wall had been built in the closet to conceal another wall slightly behind it that was covered in black mold. The false wall had been so well constructed to conceal the mold wall that the property inspector missed it in the inspection.

      In every real estate transaction you have to fill out a property disclosure statement, where you list anything wrong with the property and any renovations that have been made, and this had not been disclosed. Because the buyer had used a realtor she contacted my partner and he took over getting the issue dealt with. He contacted the other agent and did everything in terms of leg work for getting the issue resolved for his buyer. He also had the power of the brokerage behind him as well, meaning he could consult with his broker manager on what to do, what legal options there were, etc to get the matter settled. In the end, it turned out that the false wall had been constructed by a different owner, and it took several months to get the case resolved. Without a realtor to help it probably would have taken much longer to get resolved, if it ever did.

      It’s rare that things happen, but I would always use a realtor. However, I’ve never been much of a do it yourself person to begin with.

      Note: I’m in Canada, things may be different in the States.

      1. MoodyMoody*

        Seconding super anon (cool superhero name, by the way). When my parents bought their house, they assumed the first mortgage, and the seller paid off the second. However, my folks had no idea about mortgages #3 and #4. When collection agents started showing up in person, they contacted their realtor and the lawyer who had handled the sale. The sellers’ bank accounts had liens slapped on them, and they were unable to make payroll. Those third and fourth mortgages got paid in a hurry! Pay the realtor; he or she is worth the money.

        Why yes, those sellers were pieces of work; why do you ask? They paid their workers under the table with cash, they were too cheap to pay for garbage collection and left all their trash in sheds in the back, and worst of all, they kept foster children solely for the checks. The neighbors were happy to see them go and us come!

      2. Anon A Mousse*

        “The biggest reason why is that if anything goes wrong with the property after/the deal, your realtor will deal with it for you. ”

        I recently sold a house and this has been important. Somehow the new owners missed that the ‘dropped ceiling” in the basement was partially fallen (previous owner had put it up with bread ties–we used it for storage and hadn’t fixed it–was empty when they saw it however.) I put it on the disclosure. They called and yelled at our agent for a while about that and he was able to tell them they missed their chance, we did everything right. Selling by ourselves? I would have been less certain.

    7. Florida*

      Do you go to the doctor when you are sick or do you trust yourself to diagnose it? If you were on trial for a crime, would you represent yourself or would you hire an attorney?

      Selling a home is something that you will only do a few times in your lifetime. There is a good chance that your home is your largest asset. Is it really worth doing it yourself to save a few thousand dollars? Or would you rather have the advice of someone who does it several times a month?

      The only reason people don’t use a real estate agent is because they don’t want to pay a commission. You will make more money by hiring a professional and paying the commission than you will by trying to do it yourself. (This is true in many things, not just real estate.)

      I am not a real estate agent, but I teach Florida real estate law, and I know how many things can go wrong in a real estate transaction. Please hire a professional.

      1. AnotherAnon*

        Florida, I respectfully disagree. I’ve read several books on home selling and buying written by realtors and laypeople alike. Even with a FSBO, you most likely will be paying a 3% commission to your buyer’s agent and several thousand dollars to hire a lawyer, photographer, stager, put the listing on MLS, etc. that a seller’s realtor would bring on their end. In many areas (not mine, unfortunately) there’s a service called Redfin, which from I understand is a concierge that allows you to purchase some of the realtor services for a fixed commission lower than 3% (the standard seller’s realtor’s commission). The services that are more widely accessible (owners.com) don’t seem as reputable. It DOES seem like there is a public perception that a FSBO seller is trying to sell their home for more than it’s worth or otherwise doesn’t know what they’re doing, and many buyers/realtors seem to steer clear of those listing for that reason.

        And for what it’s worth, I am a physician. Having years of training in human health and disease gives me the expertise to figure out with pretty good accuracy if whatever illness I have requires professional help/treatment or not. If it does require treatment, I seek help from another health care provider, not myself, because I understand I can’t be fully objective with myself. Overall, I’ve a very independent, DIY-type person, but I make sure to put the proper safeguards in place (investing time to educate myself on the topic thoroughly, seeking advice from professionals) to make sure I’m not putting myself or others at liability.

        1. Florida*

          If you are selling FSBO but are paying the other real estate agent’s commission, you are doing something wrong. Realtors split commissions with other Realtors because that’s the agreement they have. That is very different than you paying a real estate agent that someone else hired.
          Good luck with your sale.

          1. Anon A Mousse*

            Often even FSBO sellers pay the other agent–otherwise the other agent isn’t going to work with their house (because they won’t be paid and will still have to do a lot of paperwork.)

            1. RussianTea14*

              This is true. We did a FSBO last year and we had to offer the buying agent a commission (1.5-2%); otherwise, the buying agents werent willing to show our house.

              We are getting ready to sell/buy again and we are using a realtor for both. We did the math and it was going to be about the same cost (realtor vs. costs of lawyer, etc to sell ourselves). The trick is to find a great realtor who will work for you. I made it clear to our realtor that I expected her to WORK. She also didnt ask us to sign a contract so we wouldnt be stuck if for some reason we wanted to go in a different direction.

              1. Florida*

                If your Realtor refused to show your house to their client because it was FSBO, that is a violation of the NAR Code of Ethics. In my state, it’s against the law. In all states, it is a violation of the NAR Code of Ethics. If you aren’t willing to pay part of the commission, the buyer (who has an agreement with the Realtor) has to pay all of it. The Realtor has to show the house regardless of your decision. (Note that not all real estate agents are Realtors and not bound by the code of ethics, but the VAST majority of residential one are members of the Association of Realtors.)

                1. Anon A Mousse*

                  Often explaining to the buyers they’ll be paying if the seller refuses is enough to put them off of working with FSBO’s not willing to pay.

                2. Florida*

                  That’s true. A Realtor can explain that to the buyer because it’s a fact. But then the choice is on the buyer, just like a buyer refuses to see house above a certain price threshold or without certain criteria.
                  But a Realtor cannot refuse to show the house because it is a FSBO (which it how it was described originally).

                3. Florida*

                  I pressed submit too soon, so an addendum…
                  This goes back to my first post that you will make more money by hiring a pro. If you sell FSBO, you have to price it at a point that buyers are willing to pay a commission and willing to deal with someone who is probably less knowledgeable about selling homes than a Realtor. That’s a low price.

            2. Florida*

              When the buyer hires a Realtor, they agree to pay the Realtor a commission or CAUSE the Realtor to be paid a commission. The Realtor will get paid without the FSBO paying them because the buyer agreed to that. But Mr. FSBO is depending on the expert advice of the buying agent who has the buyer’s best interest in mind, so Mr. FSBO pays a fee that the buyer should be paying. That is why you need an expert representing you. If the buyer hires the Realtor, there are times (it’s rare) where the buyer has to pay the commission.
              I understand that you think you have the expertise because you have read several books on home selling. I live this stuff everyday. I am not an active Realtor (meaning I don’t sell residential houses right now), but I have a real estate broker’s license in one state and a real estate instructor’s license in two states. I teach real estate agents how to do their jobs, how to make the most money (which might mean convincing Mr. FSBO that he needs to pay me a commission). What you are saying is incorrect. It might be the way you have seen it happen in some cases, but that is because one party has significantly more knowledge than the other.
              This is my final comment on this topic, so I hope you the best in your FSBO sale.

              1. the gold digger*

                Man, was my husband’s father – who had a PhD from Michigan and thought he was the smartest guy in the room – ticked when the broker he hired to sell Primo’s brother’s restaurant (the one Sly and Doris invested $250K in) had to be paid the commission even though Sly found the buyer.

                I asked Primo, “Did your dad even read the contract before he signed it?”

        2. neverjaunty*

          …you know those people who insist they know more than you, the doctor, about a medical issue, because they read a bunch of books or looked things up on the internet?

      2. Book Lover*

        I don’t necessarily disagree with using a realtor, but it isn’t just a few thousand dollars. 6% on 400k is 24K….

    8. The IT Manager*

      I have bought and sold 3 houses and I always use realtors. Frankly even with a realtor I might avoid for sale by owner because I don’t want to deal with a non-professional.

    9. Yetanotherjennifer*

      We bought both our houses FSBO and both times we used a realtor to represent us. We used that same realtor to sell a house. It’s just so helpful having a real estate professional helping you through the process. If you do it yourself you will be sacrificing a lot of your time to maybe save a little money.

      Is it possible to stage your house to imply other people live there? I could see it being a tough sell if the only bed in the house is a twin, but otherwise some toiletries and other props could be used to create the impression of other people living in the house. Borrow clothes from someone to hang in your closet, coat and shoes by the door, a stack of books on the other night table…it could be a fun illusion to create.

    10. Stardust*

      We sold using a flat fee MLS. It worked great! They took the pictures of our home, put it online and creates an ad, put a lock box on our door and a For Sale sign in our yard. I think we got a few tips on staging our home too. There was no commission to pay. When buyers wanted to look they got a code to unlock the box which had a key to get in and the buyers and buyer’s realtors could tour. (If a buyer didn’t have their own real estate agent we would have had to show it though, but it didn’t happen in our case). We had an offer within 2 days of putting our home in the market. My husband handled the paperwork since he had taken classes for becoming a Real Estate but when the market went down, stayed in his job instead of going into real estate. However the MLS flat fee service did also offer additional added on services of the paperwork side if we had wanted to have them do that too. Until the part that needed to be handled by title insurance agency (in some states it’s done through lawyers instead). I’d recommend looking if your region has a flat fee service/broker.

      So not exactly hiring a real estate agent but definitely didn’t do for sale by owner either.

      1. AnotherAnon*

        Can you share which flat fee service you’ve used? I’ve heard Redfin has excellent reviews, but that’s one that’s not available in my area.

      2. Anon A Mousse*

        I don’t know if there are any others out there, but OldJob thought becoming a brokerage* was a natural extension of being a newspaper/other publications printer and advertising co and did full service flat rates (I think there were a couple of tiers). So you might want to even see if something like that is available–I’m doubtful they came up with it on their own.

        *The next natural move was ticket sales followed by a new Comic Con (there was some event planning already) and they were working on adding in content marketing and SEO when I left. Have I mentioned they were both wonderfully crazy and dysfunctional?

    11. Cookie D'oh*

      We’ve sold one house and used a realtor. We were in the process of doing a new build at the same time so it would have been difficult and stressful to do both at the same time. Regardless, I would always use a realtor to sell. I know nothing about real estate and it was helpful to have an advocate throughout the process.

      For showings, we would get a call from an automated system with the date and time. There was a small lock box on the door with our key and the showing agent had the code to get out the key. I definitely felt more comfortable knowing there was another person there with the prospective buyers.

    12. Casuan*

      It’s like changing the oil in my car: I could do so myself although I’d rather pay someone else to do it for me because I think the job would get much messier than I’d expect.

      With one exception, the few people I’ve known who have tried to sell on their own [&or with a service to help] all ended up with realtors. The exception has said she would never go alone again because it was too much hassle.
      As other have said, you should research & interview a few realtors before signing with one.

    13. Jessesgirl72*

      It really depends on your area, but generally speaking, real estate is one of those areas where real estate agents really only want to deal with other real estate agents, and some won’t even take their clients to places that are FSBO.

      And honestly, for good reason. We bought our house essentially FSBO, so our agent really ended up being the agent for both sides- he had to explain the law to the sellers, and things like if they gave us money for closing costs, they didn’t have to bring cash- it was deducted from the sale, etc. He did almost twice the amount of work, and only got the commission from our side.

    14. Kit*

      I would say that a realtor is more useful than you might expect, but a pricey realtor is not more useful than a cheap one. In my area there is a firm that charges a very low flat fee to list your house and coordinate with buyers agents for viewings, and another flat fee at sale. If you can find a similarly barebones firm I recommend it.

    15. Clever Name*

      Frankly, I can’t imagine selling a house without one. We’ve sold 2 houses, and our agents made everything so easy for us so we could focus on keeping the house show ready. How do you plan on making arrangements to show your place? Will someone be available to open the house for showings or will you have a lockbox? Will you be listing on the MLS or just putting up signs around town and crossing your fingers? How much would a real estate attorney cost? There’s a reason why real estate agents are licensed and have to take a long and difficult test.

  9. NC Bound*

    Anyone have experience with the Raleigh/Durham area in North Carolina? I’m moving there soon! Looking to go into copywriting and/or higher ed, and the boyfriend is a nurse looking to work and go to grad school. But any random tips would be great! We’re from Pennsylvania.

    1. ms42*

      I love that area so much and regret ever moving away from it; I’m planning to move back once I get a couple of other parts of my life in order. Great arts and sports scenes, fantastic universities. Raleigh and Durham are culturally a bit different, but it’s also really easy to get between them/their suburbs (I technically lived in Cary, though right on the border with Raleigh).

      It’s been a few years since I moved away, but if you have specific questions, I’m happy to try my hand at answering.

    2. Jillociraptor*

      I’ve visited there a whole bunch of times and it is in my top five places I would like to move one day. It sounds like a good place for both of your interests, with all of the universities nearby. Not sure what part of PA you’re coming from, but if you’re in any kind of city, you might be surprised by how much driving it takes to get around the area. It reminded me of where I grew up in a rural area in the midwest than the other more mid-size cities I’ve lived in.

      There is so much interesting history in the area. Spend some time learning about Black Wall Street (there’s a documentary called “Lessons of Hayti” that’s pretty good) and the Wilmington massacre/coup (great documentary called “Wilmington on Fire”) .

      Enjoy your new city!

      1. Trixie*

        Can you expand on the driving? Ideally I’d like a rental in a walk-friendly neighborhood but within driving distance of Duke. I’m also 45 and hoping to find a population in my age group.

        1. Jillociraptor*

          I think what you’re describing exists–there seems to be a lot of development around downtown Durham, for example, that I suspect includes residential rentals. What surprised me is that most people would drive in situations where I would typically walk, and that it was rare for the people I visited to be able to walk to a restaurant or a grocery store from their house. Just a more car-centric transit culture than what I had experienced in other similarly sized cities.

          1. I NC You There*

            Completely agree. We moved here from a large Northeastern city with excellent public transportation. The adjustment has been a little tough. We walk way more than our friends and colleagues (and we only have one car), but this area is nearly impossible without a car. We live in Raleigh and live within walking distance of a bunch of shops and restaurants, and we got very, very lucky with the house we found. There are huge apartment complexes popping up every day that are also in walkable places, but they’re getting to be very expensive for the area. I’m talking over $2k for a 2-bedroom apartment close to downtown. A ton of amenities, for sure, but I paid over $2k in New York and I’m not willing– or paid well enough!– to do that here. So often, when renting in this area, you have to sacrifice walkability for more reasonable rent. Public transportation here exists, but it’s a joke. The bus system in Raleigh is great but it’s sporadic, and there’s so much sprawl, it can take a long time to get anywhere by bus. Buses in Chapel Hill are all free, though. And we have Uber and Lyft, of course. Drivers can do a nice business during the academic year.

            In terms of age, I find Raleigh to be older and more settled. Durham is a very young, hip, artsy scene (in my experience, anyway). In all honesty, I’ve had trouble finding close friends here because my partner is younger than I am and he’s a doctoral student, we’re not married and we don’t have kids, and the people I’ve connected with tend to be in their 20s. I’m in my late 30s (and I look very young, but that’s a different story). It’s not impossible to find peers, it just requires effort. Luckily, there are tons of activities and groups and ways to meet people. If you practice a religion, the church scene is really active here and quite welcoming (there are a lot of transient people here!). If you have children, there are a lot of wonderful family activities, museums, and events.

            Jobs… there are a lot of jobs around, depending on what you want to do. From what I gather, nursing is a great bet around here. We have excellent hospitals, a ton of private practices, and new facilities are popping up all the time. The local colleges and universities are always hiring.

          2. blackcat*

            I lived near downtown Raleigh for years, but before the recent explosion of development. Like NC Bound, I was a transplant from the north.

            I found an apartment where could walk places! I could walk to the store! To the pharmacy! To restaurants! I loved it, and all my neighbors thought I was super weird because I walked when I had a perfectly good car. A neighbor asked if I needed a lawyer, because she assumed I had a DUI since I was always walking places…. My partner and I had a one car household, and he found that sometimes folks made fun of him when he said he needed to wait for me to get home from work to have the car. It generally seemed like people assumed that if you walked as a means of transportation, you either didn’t have the money for a car or had legal trouble. So, yeah, different culture. I hear this is changing, though.

            I now live in Boston and no one finds it odd that I walk 1.5 miles each way to my office. And the one-car household is the norm in my neighborhood. We fit in much better here.

    3. JBinNC*

      I’m not sure where you would be going but I would recommend Durham if your boyfriend will be going to Duke or UNC rather than NC State. Chapel Hill to me is overrun by students, is very expensive, and traffic is quite bad. I live near the Durham/Chapel Hill line (in Durham) and I love my location. You can reach Durham & Chapel Hill in 10-15 minutes, and Raleigh & Cary in about half an hour. Just be prepared for about a month of disgusting yellow pollen every spring!

    4. Anon for this*

      Heya, I live in southwestern Raleigh.

      If you use Reddit at all, hit up /r/raleigh (check the sidebar first, there’s good resources), /r/bullcity, and /r/triangle.

      Have you been looking for work around Research Triangle Park? Looking around Indeed, I see a few copywriting positions. And between the Duke, UNC, and WakeMed hospital systems, your boyfriend could have a lot of options.

      Are you already planning to attend one of the universities here? If not, what are you looking for in a school?

      What kind of weather do you like? This area is hot and humid for four months, but nice for the rest of the year. Are you allergic to pollen? “Pollen season” is a thing.

    5. Nynaeve*

      Haha, I just visited friends last week who were trying to convince me to move to Durham. I really liked it there, but not enough to quit my awesome job, uproot my life, and leave all my other friends. The food was amazing and it seemed like a cool city.

    6. Franzia Spritzer*

      I live in Durham presently, and I have lived in Carrboro/Chapel Hill for the first year we were here. I’m from the PNW (Seattle and Portland respectively, with fam in Spokane area all the way over to Helena). I admit that my perspective on the place is skewed, as I am partially (temporarily) disabled, queer, liberal and my spouse is a trans person, my politics and corresponding opinions may not apply to you. Here’s a few things I think people who live in Durham overlook when selling it to their friends… . I really hope my list item html works

      Durham is technically a city, but it’s a very spread out city, you have to have a vehicle, period. Only downtown is walkable, the cool stuff is just out of that range.
      The speed of gentrification in Durham is alarming. It is a place of three cities, the local privileged, the university students, and everybody else, these three cities run in parallel to each other and rarely intersect (I think that’s problematic).
      You can buy a house for stupid cheep in Durham, but rent is disproportionally high. It’s a buyers market for sure, and said market seems to be in favor of the person getting into the landlord business. It’s so cheap to buy grad students buy houses rather than rent, and then rent their house out when they leave. If you’re on the marginalized side of the equation, that set up sucks.
      Durham is not on the short list for national film releases. Sometimes big movies never screen here.
      There is one. ONE. LGBT bar, one. (I’m used to a little more variety.) The owner is RAD AF, they’re great!
      Racism is alive and kicking.

      There are great things about Durham/Carrboro/Chapel Hill if you have a car and don’t mind driving.
      Carrboro is darling, it’s as small as a big city neighborhood, and what’s there is terrifically quirky.
      Chapel Hill is smallish, dense and quintessentially “Rural College Town” The streets are lively with activity, and there’s lots of variety in the food and drink from $ to $$$
      The rivalry between Duke and UNC Chapel Hill is fun for the most part.
      The upside to Durham being “cool”, is that what it lacks in gay bars it makes up in general queer acceptance in the local bars and eateries. It’s ok to be hand-holdy and kissy-face in these places, Durham is fairly oriented towards safe spaces.
      The out-of-doors has a lot to offer, lots of hiking and camping.
      There are multiple cinemateque and micro cinemas presenting experimental films regularly
      In that vein, there are experimental live theaters too
      Lots of crafty things between open studios and the Scrap Exchange
      Pretty good music comes through regularly
      There are really great author readings regularly
      A rich craft brew and food truck scene. It’s not to the artisan pickle boutique stage of foodie gentrification, but it is at the $25 ramen bowl stage.
      MOOGFEST
      Full Frame Documentary Film Festival
      The Nasher Museum at Duke pulls in really interesting artists
      The art scene is tight, and dynamic
      The college radio stations here is the best I’ve heard anywhere!

      I’ve only been to Raleigh once, I have absolutely nothing to say about it.
      I think I liked Chapel Hill more than Durham honestly.

      1. I NC You There*

        I live in Raleigh, and I think it is so funny– and telling!– that someone who lives in the Triangle has only been to one of the other cities once. Because it’s SO TRUE. I have been to Chapel Hill maaaaaaybe twice. We go to Durham a lot because we love Bulls games and Durham has great restaurants, but we’re very centered in Raleigh. Before I moved here, I didn’t understand that at all, because I had always been more than willing to spend 45 minutes on a train to go to another part of my metro area. Now, 25 minutes in the car? Forget it.

        Raleigh suits me really well, Durham not so much. I find Durham too “cool” for my taste (so many hipsters!), but the food and arts scenes are excellent. Raleigh has a great food scene as well, but it’s slightly more corporate and upscale. There is a ton of emphasis on local and farm-to-table, plus we have a ton of locally brewed beer, so you can have a wonderful culinary experience in this part of the country.

    7. RebeccaNoraBunch*

      Hi!! I live in Raleigh; I moved here about 9 years ago from Pennsylvania! Small world. :)

      I love this area. I live in northwest Raleigh and I love this area, though if I were going to move anywhere it would probably be Durham. Downtown Durham is really up and coming and I spend a lot of time there.

      Both Raleigh & Durham are very driveable and the parking/traffic isn’t horrible, either. It gets a little gnarly at rush hour on the main highways (40, 540, 440) but if you do your research you can find a place close to where you work. If you’re looking to rent, there are literally hundreds of apartments being built in the Morrisville/Cary area (between Durham & Raleigh, adjacent to Research Triangle Park) that may be convenient for both you and your boyfriend between your job and his school.

      I’m not as familiar with Chapel Hill, though I’ve been there a few times. I’d say probably Durham or somewhere surrounding are your best bet if your boyfriend is going to UNC.

      I also work in RTP and I know a lot of folks in marketing, so I may be able to help you out with networking if you like. I wonder – is there a way for us to exchange information? I hesitate to put my email out here for all to see.

      1. NC Bound*

        Thank you, that would be great! I just created an extra Gmail account if you would be willing to connect there: ncbound12345@gmail.com. If you send a quick email there I’ll reach out to you via my real one. I’d love to buy you coffee or lunch once I get there! Thanks again.

    8. NC Bound*

      Thank you so much, everyone! I’m looking forward to the move and I really appreciate all of your help. Cheers to the AAM community!

  10. Turtle Candle*

    I have been reading a lot of Ask a Manager and watching a lot of Mystery Science Theater 3000 this week (in excitement for the new series, woooo!), and the result is this, which I couldn’t get out of my head:

    Dear Alison,

    I work for a large technology company in a maintenance/janitorial capacity. I get along well with my coworkers and I think I do a good job cleaning up the place–but my bosses didn’t like me, so they shot me into space.

    Is that legal?

    Thanks!

    Just Another Face In A Red Jumpsuit

    (I’m so sorry.)

      1. Turtle Candle*

        :D I’m glad my silliness made you smile.

        I feel like the follow-up question is whether using the special parts to make some robot friends is an appropriate show of gumption.

    2. fposte*

      Loved it. And please tell me, because I’m having a hard time finding the info–is the new season on Netflix too? I know old episodes are and that confuses the search.

      1. Elsajeni*

        The new season isn’t out yet, but it’ll be up on Netflix on, I think, April 14.

      2. Turtle Candle*

        Looks like this has already been answered, but yup, Netflix is where I’m planning on watching it once it’s released!

  11. Victoria, Please*

    Two questions for everyone:

    For the bullet journalers out there, has anyone had bad experiences with Micron pens leaking all over the place? Do they need to be treated carefully, or do they just do this eventually no matter how gentle you are?

    For the SoCal residents, what’s a nice place to get grown-up furniture (not Ikea, Overstocks, Wayfair, etc….looking for the 30-year lifespan here)? My stepdaughter is, thankfully, soon going to take a bunch of stuff that her dad and mom had while she was growing up and this means that my husband and I can get our own married furniture!

    2. Hellanon*

      The old Helms Bakery on Venice in Culver City has lots of big gorgeous furniture stores – HD Buttercup is there along with a couple specializing modern design. Rejuvenation has a branch there as well. If they are fans of antiques, there are a number of good antique stores on the Orange Circle in Orange, down near Anaheim.

    3. Rena*

      I’ve been using 4 microns daily for my bullet journal for four months, and I haven’t had any issues with leaking yet. I guess now that’s something I’ll keep an eye out for though!

    4. CAA*

      Where in So Cal? If you’re in San Diego, you probably don’t want to drive all the way to Ventura for furniture, so you might get better recommendations if you narrow it down a bit.

    5. Ms Ida*

      This is an online company and also very new…..But I read an interesting article about the woman that started Maiden Home on the clothing company MM La Fleur blog this week and it seems like an interesting option for chairs and sofas. Maiden Home works directly with small furniture’s makers in North Carolina cutting out the middlemen and mark ups.

    6. Dizzy Steinway*

      Sorry for the ignorant question but why does this only apply to bullet journals and not other types of journals – I’m so curious!

      1. Victoria, Please*

        Chuckle, no reason except that bullet journalers, if I am any thing to go by, obsess over perfect pens and pages far more than people wise enough just to pick up a Bic and start writing! See Pinterest :-p .

    7. Sylvia*

      Not a bullet journaler here, but I draw. Never had problems with Micron pens. You mean the ink’s leaking out of the pens and not that it’s bleeding or feathering on paper, right? That really shouldn’t be happening. Maybe contact them at pigmamicron dot com, there’s a link at the bottom of the page, and see about a replacement?

    8. Victoria, Please*

      Thank you everyone! I foresee field trips in my future!

      Also good idea to contact Micron directly.

    9. Leenie*

      Another up-vote for Helms Bakery, particularly Buttercup. I just bought a sublime coffee table there about 2 weeks ago. It’s a great mixture of quality new with a few really well curated vintage pieces. Also, if by So Cal you mean LA, I’d also recommend Wertz Brothers on Santa Monica Boulevard for used pieces. I bought a mid-century vanity there that is one of my favorite things. It gets mixed reviews, but if you know what you’re after and have some patience, they have some very nice things, as well as cute parrots. Also, Terra Nova on Sepulveda. It’s small and has essentially one style, but good quality, sometimes one of a kind designs. Happy hunting!

  12. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    So I just recently figured out I’m nonbinary, in addition to being queer. I have only told my wife and good friend so far.

    But yeah. I am using they/them pronouns now.

    1. Another Lauren*

      I love that the AAM community is a safe space for you to share this. Sending you all sorts of support and good wishes!

    2. Hrovitnir*

      High five. I am totally unwilling to be out day to day about being nb (though I do attempt to be gender confusing when I can), and really appreciate all of you brave enough to be out and help normalise this. <3

    3. Charlie Q*

      Yay! Me too! I don’t know about you, but for me, the realization unleashed an absolute FLOOD of feelings about gender-related things that had never explicitly bothered me before. Like my gym clothes. Or my role as a lead vs. follow at swing dancing.

      1. Tau*

        NB high five!

        I totally hear you. When I figured it out, it felt a little like I’d been standing on something that I thought was solid ground but was actually a trapdoor and someone had just swung it open. I think I spent several months basically going “AAAAAH” as I got hit by all the confusing gender feelings all over the place and suddenly started having conflicted feelings about pseudonyms and makeup and skirts and pronouns (gd pronouns!!!). It was very eye-opening but also kind of sucked.

        overcaffeinatedqueer, if you’re going through that right now – there IS ground at the end of that fall, and we’re cheering you on all the way!

        1. Charlie Q*

          I’ve chosen a new name, and I’m introducing myself by my new name to new folks but have only told a handful of people I already know. At swing last night, I saw a guy I’ve danced with before but not for a few months. I asked his name & shared mine, and he kinda tilted his head and asked tentatively, “Were you… always NewName?” It was sweet :)

        2. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

          Thanks, lovely people! My wife and friend are totally willing to make the pronoun switch, although they may occasionally slip up. The hardest thing so far is coming up with another word for “mom,” since we often tell our cats “go see other mom!” or “other mom will feed you!” So I’m using “parent” for now.

          It hasn’t changed anything else with my wife. We still feel the same way to each other, and she’s still willing to be intimate (I know, TMI, but that means a lot).

          2. SeekingBetter*

            I like the word “parent.” But if you come up with another one that suits you better, all the more power to you :)

    4. the other Emily*

      Sending good thoughts your way! :)

      (I was really happy that in the responses to the recent letter from the non binary person, there was no pile on or disrespect towards them for being non binary. I’m glad the comments here are thoughtful and this blog is a welcoming place)

    5. 1.0*

      ! Congratulations!

      I’ve been questioning recently and am sliding very slowly towards (probably? for now?) being an nb lesbian and WOW it’s a whole emotional JOURNEY!

    1. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Best: getting “discovered” for talents (see Fri post), baking pb chocolate chip birthday blondies for fam.

      Worst: deer hit parents car. Parent ok, car not ok. Feeling burned out.

    2. Pixel*

      Best: weather is starting to get springy, finally. It rained yesterday and I have missed the smell of rain so, so much.
      Worst: it’s April and it’s tax season and I don’t have the time or mental capacity to do any of the things that charge my battery.

    3. printrovert*

      Worst: having a bond on a tooth break off at the start of the week and not having dental insurance.
      Best: finding a new and AMAZING dentist and having the bond replaced for a lot less than I first imagined. :)

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Best: arrived at Universal Studios last night for our vacation! The hotel is really nice, but…

      Worst: the stupid, locked-down hotel TV with no buttons and no way to change the input. I loaded a bunch of movies onto my laptop to watch during down time, and plugging the HDMI cable into the TV does nothing. A tech came and was able to switch the TV to the input with a special, magical master remote, but then the TV would not even turn off without the magic remote! And of course the tech could not trust us with the magic remote! Argh! So annoying…but ultimately not a big deal.

    6. PseudoMona*

      Best: visting my month old nephew!

      Worst: coming down with a cold and being temporarily exiled in my hotel room until I feel better.

    7. Dr. KMnO4*

      Best: I love playing Stardew Valley!
      Worst: My test might have been too long for my students.

        1. Dr. KMnO4*

          It’s so calming for me! Even dying in the mines (twice now, around level 85 out of sheer stupidity) is only mildly annoying. I’ve avoided downloading it onto my laptop so I’m not tempted to play it at work.

    8. Elkay*

      Best: Got some admin out the way, house is looking a bit clearer.
      Worst: Feeling very out of place at home and at work. I used to write on a diary site but only one person still reads me so writing feels needy, sometimes I do it just to get it out my head, I never re-read.

    9. Annie Moose*

      Best: I figured out a solution for feeding birds that prevents them from dumping seeds and poop on my downstairs neighbor’s balcony!

      Worst: I, who never get sick, have gotten terribly sick TWICE this week… threw up at work on Tuesday (a first for me!), felt meh on Wednesday, felt 100% fine Thursday and Friday… and today am back to feeling like I’m dying.

    10. New Bee*

      Best: I had a light workweek and got to spend some time on my job search, including applying for an amazing position. *fingers crossed*

      Worst: Baby Bee’s going through a combo teething/growth spurt stage which means not enough sleep and my milk production’s taken a hit.

    11. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Best: We went to an amazing concert last Sunday at Royal Albert Hall and for once I just.let.go. and let myself enjoy it fully. We had a small box and the other two seats didn’t show and I suggested to Other Half yes, we SHOULD get that chilled bucket of sparkling wine – and go get a second during the intermission. As he put it “when are we EVER going to have this chance again?”

      Also — Masters Weekend!

      Worst: I don’t know if its anemia or what but my GOD I was exhausted this week. Deep, bone tired exhaustion. We were up late Sunday but even going to bed early I was still feeling like I was dragging by Thursday morning. Just got no pep in my step at all. I haven’t left the city in 9 months though and its been a stressful nine months so hoping the long Easter weekend and 10 days in early May will help. That and cleaning up the diet.

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Pro Tip: Second Tier Stalls is Where Its At for the more special shows. Its all we book now – super comfy, bathroom easily accessible, own locked door with a steward to open it, coat hook and a tiny foyer and always only 4 seats. First Tier stalls have 8. Usually almost always cheaper than first tier and floor, why I don’t know but Ill take it!

    12. Tau*

      Best: I’m on holiday next week until after Easter! My brother and niece are coming for a visit and I’m super excited. :) There’s a lot of cool touristy stuff where I live and she’s never been to the UK before.

      Worst: Probably-cluster-headaches y u do this to me. I’m trying to hold onto the fact that they’re better than they were the last time I had them, and I even had two pain-free days this week, but I’ve woken up at 5am feeling like someone is stabbing my face with needles WAY too often this week (including, y’know, this morning). I’m really worried they’ll still be going when my brother and niece are here and I’ll end up having to bow out of stuff in favour of curling up on the couch whimpering.

    13. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: It’s finally warming up, I think (hope). It keeps raining/storming, but here’s hoping the most recent outbreak was the last one with really frigid air behind it.

      WORST: Still no job and almost nothing to apply to this week. I really had to scrape. Also, I sussed out that it was definitely Meditation Dude’s girlfriend he brought. The whole thing (I don’t want to go into it) has some super weird middle school vibes now and my other friend and I were rolling our eyes over it.

      Back to my literary crush, I guess. :P

    14. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Best:

      Worst: My daughter cut her wrists this week and we had to go to the ER. She has dropped out of college as of this semester and has lost her national merit scholarship. She has moved back home because she isn’t stable enough to keep going to school and living in the dorm. I keep forgetting to breathe and eat and do my job when I’m at work.

      3. SeekingBetter*

        I’m so sorry to hear. I’m sending my thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

      6. Belle di Vedremo*

        I’m so sorry.
        Please remember to take care of yourself, too, as you move through this one.
        Internet hugs to you.

      9. OhBehave*

        So very sorry to hear about your daughter’s struggles. Hoping you can find a great counselor for all of you and that you can find some down time.

      11. No way I'm not anon for this*

        I’m really sorry to hear that. I know everyone is different, but I wanted to comment because this reminds me of my college. I didn’t drop out but I went to the ER for a couple of times for self harm, got a DUI, and moved back in with my folks. I’m now almost 32 and doing pretty darn well. Stacking wood, hiking outside and cool but antisocial jobs like printing photos were helpful at the time. Knitting has also been really nice for me lately, wish I learned earlier.
        It might be a good idea to lock up any razors, painkillers, just in case.
        All the best to you and your family during this difficult time.

        1. Mallory Janis Ian*

          Thanks for sharing your experience. My daughter is working at McDonald’s right now, and I think even that may be too much for her. I’ve tried to think of things she might like to do instead (for pay or as a volunteer) and so far I’ve come up with library volunteer or barista at the cat cafe. :-)

          Her dad got her to hand over a fat stack of double-edged straight razors that she had bought at Walgreens for the express purpose of cutting. She bought herself an art pad that hooks up to her computer so she can calm herself with learning to draw with it. Her therapist has been working with her on strategies for not cutting.

          One thing I’m worried about is that she had an episode where she couldn’t tell , for a full hour, whether she was in reality or not. Her therapist gave her some strategies for coming back to reality if it happens again, but I can’t wait for the psychiatrist to weigh in on that. I’m worried because some serious mental illnesses have onset in the early twenties.

          1. No way I'm not anon for this*

            Hi! Yeah, I guess it would depend on how your daughter feels about the job, like if it’s helpful for keeping a daily routine or for the relationships. If not, yes, totally: cat cafes, animal shelters, libraries. Any state or national parks needing volunteers in the area?
            I’m sure it was really upsetting for my family to know I was self-harming. It’s important to keep in mind cutting is a method to cope with disturbing feelings or states or mind, like some folks use alcohol. When there are alternate ways to cope, like your daughter is discussing with her therapist, you might cut less or stop altogether. I stopped in my mid-20s.
            I never had any problems with reality. That must be super scary for your daughter. Looks like from another comment you have an appointment in May. Just a few weeks to May. Take care.

    15. Red*

      Best: I’m not dead, and also not sober lol. This is a good combo and I’m delighted.

      Worst: My husband is depressed. It’s having a toll on our relationship and we both know it. Except, that doesn’t fix it. At all.

        1. Red*

          He sort of is. I called up a psychiatrist and handed him the phone to make an appointment, so there’s that, but it’s in may and that feels so far away

          1. Mallory Janis Ian*

            God, waiting for the psychiatrist appointment! My daughter’s appointment is in May, too, and I feel lucky that we found one who had an opening so soon. The other ones we called were booking for October and November, if they were accepting new patients at all.

            Until she can see the psychiatrist, my daughter is being cared for by our primary care physician and is seeing a therapist. I wonder if your husband might see his PCP or a therapist if he needs someone before May?

            1. Red*

              Wow, I never thought of that, but it’s a great idea! I’m bipolar, so my first thought was “get thine rear end to a psychiatrist”, but a PCP or therapist will probably do in the meantime. Thank you, and I wish you all the best with your daughter. This is a tough thing to deal with, whether you’re the ill one or not.

              1. Mallory Janis Ian*

                Or PCP was able to get my daughter started on antidepressants, which the psychiatrist will evaluate when my daughter sees him. Maybe your husband’s PCP would do the same for him: just get him started so that the meds start to get under him and lift up his mood.

      2. Channel Z*

        My problem too. Response is denial, or yeah you are probably right and does nothing. Worst of all is when he blames me for being negative, it’s my fault for talking about it.

    16. Jo*

      BEST: Went to a great party on Friday with good music and lots of dancing, then had a lovely brunch with friends on Saturday on the patio at the embassy (although it was interrupted twice by ‘Duck and cover’ alarms meaning we had to drop everything to dash inside, which was annoying).

      WORST: Still undecided on my future and torn on whether I should try to stay in my current location or move on to a new place.

    17. Ange*

      Best: finally got the results of my staging scan and there is no sign of mets!
      Worst: mastectomy. Even though I raed up a bit, I did not realise how brutal an op it is. I feel a bit like I’ve been pounded with hammers.

    18. Annie Mouse*

      Best: I’ve just got back from a fantastic couple of days in Venice (Italy).

      Worst: I have to go home today and then straight back into two weeks of night shifts!!

    19. SeekingBetter*

      Best: It was a warm, sunny and beautiful day on Saturday for a nice jog :)

      Worst: I had to break up / end the relationship with one of my friends that I thought was a real friend. I wrote about it below. :(

    20. Anonyby*

      Best: Lots of fun time with friends this week. Friday we got together for lunch and hung out discussing our characters for a game that’s about to start. (A rare weekday lunchtime treat for us!) And then last night BFF and her hubby got Jackbox Party Pack 3 to finally work! So we tried all the games, and OMG one of the t-shirts designed in the tee shirt game was just PERFECT. Two of us HAD to buy it before we even moved on to the next game (even though we saved the link to be able to buy them later).

      Worst: Got new glasses this week, and this is the longest it’s taken me to adjust to new glasses. And though I don’t need bifocals yet, I can tell I’ll need them by one or two pairs in the future. It’s disheartening. (On the other hand, since I bought them from a friend, I have ZERO guilt about asking him to adjust the fit. :D Especially when I arrive a half hour before closing when I’m picking him up anyways.)

    21. GiantPanda*

      Best: Got to referee the premier league (in my sport in my country) for my hometown team against the national champions. Guests brought some of the very best players in the world, and I was there for two whole days of fantastic matches.
      Best of the best: Hometown team won!

      Worst: My feet hurt.

    22. Ruffingit*

      WORST: I’ve realized I can no longer trust my mother.

      BEST: I have great chosen family around me to help me through it.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am sorry for what life has taken from you but I am glad for the gifts in your life.

  14. Myrin*

    I don’t have a car which 95% of the time isn’t a problem but in the few cases it was, my good friend came to the rescue and drove me where I needed to be (going so far as to sit in the dermatalogists’s waiting room for almost an hour while I got a suspicious piece of skin emergency-removed).

    Does anyone have good tips on how I can repay her/show my gratitude?

    I’ve offered multiple times to pay for her petrol but she’s staunchly refused. I took her to lunch and got her some small things I know she likes but I would like to do something that feels a bit “bigger” and not just like I’m giving her a key chain while she drives me through half the country (hyperbolically speaking).

    Whenever I bring it up, she just handwaves it, in part probably because her financial situation is about a million times better than mine but also because it really isn’t that big a deal to her. But I’d really love to do something nice for her that adequately shows my gratitude and how much I appreciate not only her friendship in general but her generosity and helpfulness in particular.

    1. Sibley*

      As the friend with the car, offer to help her out when she needs it. Need help moving furniture? Big gardening task? Pet sitting? Take soup over when she’s sick.

      Basically, be a good friend.

      1. Myrin*

        Thanks for the answer, Sibley! I’m happy to report that I’m already doing that (most recently, she’s been renovating her house where I was glad to lend a hand) but it still feels so inadequate to me, somehow, I can’t really explain why. I’m glad to hear that it wouldn’t feel that way for you, though, since I’m guessing she’s actually the same way.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Uh, if she is renovating her house, you won’t feel the effort is inadequate for long. lol. I worked on my house for quite a while and I can tell you it was, indeed, epic.

          Go with the flow, it’s okay to pay it back in the future, you don’t have to pay in full today. That’s why it’s a friendship, she knows she will get the favor back at a different point.

    2. Ms Ida*

      To me a lunch and small token seems perfectly reasonable for a ride.

      Here’s my too cents. :) Let her be a friend to you and take her at her word that she doesn’t want any kind of payment.

    3. dr_silverware*

      It sounds like you’ve already taken her out to lunch, and thanked her! That would be enough for me :) Sometimes when you do something for a friend, you want to be thanked, but you also want the understanding and trust that doing these kinds of favors is part of the fabric of your relationship. Thank her and make sure to help her when she needs it, is what I’d say.

      1. the gold digger*

        Exactly. My mom will not let anyone do a favor for her and it’s kind of insulting, really – that she is so unwilling for there to be an apparent inbalance in the relationship. Think of your friendship as a lifetime endeavor – it all works out in the end.

    4. Tau*

      So from everything you’re said, it sounds like you’re reciprocating in a pretty standard friendship manner and your friend is happy with the state of affairs. Is it possible that your feeling that the relationship is imbalanced is actually due to brainweasels/anxiety on your part instead of something that reflects reality?

      I may be projecting, but I definitely did the thing where I felt like I was taking advantage of my friends and not reciprocating. All until a situation happened that drove home that I was being absurd (it involved me feeling super-guilty and like I was taking advantage by having my friend make me tea instead of doing it myself… right after I’d blacked out due to a health issue). I’m now inclined to be skeptical of the little voice that tells me how I’m being a bad friend.

      Also of note: if you *are* misjudging the situation, a big heartfelt gesture of gratitude may do more harm than good, since it may leave her feeling like your relationship is imbalanced afterwards.

      1. Myrin*

        It’s funny you say that because I’m actually the complete opposite of what you describe – if people tell me they’re fine with something, I believe them because I think if they weren’t, they should just outright tell me and not try to play coy or to get me to ask a million times or something. That’s certainly why I asked that question, though – I know that I can be overly pragmatic and even coldhearted at times, so I wasn’t sure if my feelings on this were out of whack or not.

        1. Tau*

          OK, good to know! In that case, I think you can have a clear conscience. :) And I think the way you approach it is honestly a pretty good one, and one I’m trying to move more towards.

    5. HannahS*

      That’s so lovely of you! As someone that was (and still is, sometimes) the chauffeur of my friend group, I think what you’ve done is enough. Personally, all I wanted was an expression of gratitude (“Thanks for the ride”) and just to know that the other people understood that what I was doing was a significant contribution to the friendship (all I mean is someone saying VERY occasionally, “Thanks for always driving me everywhere! It would be hard to hang out otherwise.”) I fully understood that the fact that I had regular access to the family car + upper-middle-class parents who paid for gas was totally a privilege, and I didn’t expect people–especially people with less money–to pay me back. With my friends, as long as the emotional work of the relationship remained an even back-and-forth, then doing more logistical work (planning, feeding people, driving them around) didn’t bother me.

      1. the gold digger*

        Yes. I gave a work friend a ride to the dealer once to pick up her car and she wanted to give me gas money. I told her to stop insulting me – that this is something friends do for each other.

    6. Colette*

      Here’s what I’d like when I give people rides:
      – treat it as a request, not an obligation – I.e. Ask and be prepared to make other arrangements if I can’t do it, cheerfully and without guilt
      If one of us has to be inconvenienced, make it the recipient of the favour. In other words, be waiting at the door when I get there.
      Make a point of helping when I need help, and reaching out to me when you don’t need a favour.

      So as long as you treat the friendship as reciprocal, and show you appreciate it, you’re fine. And it sounds like you’re doing both.

    7. Anon attorney*

      Give her the gift of allowing her to give.

      I am financially fortunate (sadly, through inheritance – I wish I wasn’t) and I wish some family and friends would just let me make things easier for them without it being a big deal. Accepting generosity graciously is an important skill in its own right. She did it because she cares about you. Let her.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        That is sad because being able to share an estate or parts of it with others can really help our own grieving process.

        I will tell a little secret. On one estate I told people they had been named in the will. (They weren’t and were not familiar enough with estates to ask to see the will.) So I was able to say, “Loved One wanted you to have this.” It worked.

        On another estate that I helped a person execute, we found a note tucked inside the will. The note contained additional instructions. The lawyer said we did not have to follow what the note said, but we did anyway. And we explained that to people also. This idea worked, too.

        1. Cafe au Lait*

          Not So NewReader,

          Tell me more about the note. My husband and I just had a trust made-up, and the lawyer said that a handwritten provision was just as good as putting it in the will.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Different states, different laws. I’m in NY.

            Basically, it was a letter.

            Date
            Dear Executor’s Name,
            Please give friend Jane Doe the good red chair in the living room. You know how to find Jane.
            Please see to it that Niece Sally gets $3000 or as close as possible. Here’s her address as of this writing: [xxx]
            [Fill in with more similar last minute requests.]
            Close with something nice to the executor like “thanks for trying to take care of this.”
            Love
            Your Uncle [Full name]
            Date

            The executor presented it to the attorney as “My uncle told me over the phone that he had written this and put it with his will. Here is what I found.”

            The attorney said we did not have to do the handwritten part if we did not want to do it. But we decided to press forward and do it. I think we would have done it anyway, but the niece really needed the money even though it was not a lot. So that really weighed in heavy with us and we did all the handwritten requests in the letter.
            Smaller estates up here go through probate court like an assembly line. No one questions a lot of things unless someone raises a big fuss. The paperwork for probate is so bad that some attorneys can’t even get through it. Contesting something is even more unpleasant. And this is why some stuff flies that you wouldn’t think would be able to stand up.

            More currently, NY has been working on ways of keeping estates out of probate because courts are so clogged. It’s helpful to know this surrounding landscape stuff to get the idea of what is okay.

            I hope I am answering some of your questions. I will check back tomorrow night for you.

    9. Clever Name*

      Maybe her driving you when you really need it is her way of saying thanks for all the stuff you do for her? :)

    10. OhBehave*

      In the course of your friendship, you will get the opportunity to help her in a large way most likely. We all have moments of great need.

      I would take care not to push the gratitude too far. After awhile it becomes uncomfortable for the helper to be thanked so effusively. That being said, does she have a cause she’s passionate about? Make a donation in her name. Now, in my opinion, what you’re doing is quite enough thanks for me.

  15. Channel Z*

    Best: Finished and submitted a chapter of my thesis

    Worst: Son wasn’t selected for rugby match today. Hasn’t been selected for a single sport associated with his primary school for the past two years. Primary school! Why do we have to start so early with exclusion perpetuated by authorities. Tears fall

    1. Ruth (UK)*

      :( about your son. If it makes you feel any better, I was never selected for anything at school – I tried out for various sports teams (netball, rounders, cross country running) and never got selected for anything. I also always auditioned for school plays and never got a part (even the a one-line parts) – I was always in the chorus. However, I turned out to be fairly athletic (I’m running a half marathon tomorrow) and have a mix of hobbies that I actively do as an adult.

      What I’m trying to say is that even though it still sucks for him to end up feeling excluded, it doesn’t mean that he won’t be successful at the things he wants to do, just because he’s not standing out at them now.

      But yes it’s a shame they’re already adopting an attitude of competitively selecting teams in school at such a young age. To me it would make more sense to get as many people to play as possible. And rugby is an especially easy game to get lots of people involved with many opportunities to sub, plus a high number of people on the field to begin with (15 or 13 depending if you’re talking about union or league. Well, considering the age-range I’m going to assume this is a game of touch tbh…)

    2. Hrovitnir*

      Aw. :( I didn’t know that was a thing! Poor dude. In high school at least we had a first and second 11/15, but I’m pretty sure they basically let anyone in the second 11/15 unless there were so many it was worth having a “social” team. But primary school?? My primary school was too small to have sports teams.

    3. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Story of my life. More than made up for it by being a library volunteer, choir, band, drama club, model building club and treated gym class as a necessary evil I had to endure. When it comes to sports my motto is “no pain = no pain” :-) Plenty of alternatives available for kids who are not good at, or not interested in sports.

    4. Dr. KMnO4*

      Congrats on submitting a thesis chapter! That stuff is hard work!

      I’m sorry things aren’t going well sports-wise for your son.

    5. copy run start*

      I don’t think we had sports teams in grade school. But I remember the pain of middle and high school. I am hopelessly non-athletic.

      In America there are usually sports camps that focus on a particular sport available during the summer. As a kid I watched my cousins do soccer camp and softball camp and basketball camp, etc. If those are offered in your town they might be a good option for him to get better and have fun. My cousins were also involved in some city/local community center leagues when they were younger and there were kids of all talents there.

      Any chance your son has an interest in music? I was in orchestra and they let anyone play through middle school. In high school we had to try out, but it was only to decide who would make the upper orchestra; no one was ever told they couldn’t play.

      Congrats on getting part of your thesis done!

    6. Channel Z*

      He does well in all his subjects, especially math. But that isn’t cool when you’re eleven. He is not terrible at sports, but he will never be a top player. He is in a soccer club, and he is on the C team, but I think he is glad to be playing, even if not on the A team. The heart of the issue, really, has nothing to do with sports, but with being excluded. It hurts, and I feel the pain. I want more than anything to take that away or help him with resilience, but I can’t even do that for myself so my words seem hollow.

    7. Al Lo*

      It’s hard.

      I work at an organization that has choirs for kids (and adults). Most of the choirs themselves are non-auditioned, and we’re open to anyone who can match pitch, whether or not they have musical experience, massive amounts of talent, training, or whatever. However, our solos are auditioned quite stringently, and can be pretty competitive. We try to instill in our singers that the teamwork is more important that the individual recognition, but it’s still tough to audition over and over and continually be passed over.

      Our policy is that we don’t “give turns” for solos or acting roles or whatever. We don’t track who’s had solos before and give them to someone new each time. You don’t have a guarantee that if you’re in the choir for X number of years, you get a solo. Each time, the audition panel looks at the group of solos and the group of people auditioning without taking history into account. We take the best person for each role, and the one thing that we do is to be cognizant of the number of solos in any given round that are given. So if one season has 10 solos, the same person can’t get more than 1 (or maybe 2, depending on specific circumstances). However, the same 10 people could (theoretically) get solos every season.

      But that doesn’t happen, because different voices come into their own at different times, and different pieces require different styles. We have one young woman who gets a lot of solos these days — who never had one until she was in her mid-20s. We have one young man who had never gotten a solo… until we had a song that suited his very specific, gravelly sound.

      Lots of rambling here. These are things we deal with and explain to parents on a regular basis. It’s something that we wrestle with a lot, because it sucks when kids get disappointed, but we also choose carefully where we value product over process. Our process is, overall, more important than our product, in that we’re an educational organization and want to provide opportunities for our singers to learn and grow and develop, but we are also a well-known and highly regarded program with performances that we take seriously, so there are times when the product has to edge the other out.

      1. Channel Z*

        Thanks for the perspective. I was in music, so I can relate. And I’m not the parent type to be demanding my child be chosen. He feels better today, and is thinking forward, like maybe switching to a smaller club where he has more chances of getting matches. That’s a good sign.

    8. Not Alison*

      My 10-year old cousin felt that way when he was near the end of the picking for the sports team. But then again, he had no interest in practicing to try and get better. You might want to consider paying for some extra coaching for him – – but that will only work if he is willing to put in the time to practice to get better, which also includes practice time on his own away from the coaches.

  16. The Other Dawn*

    I’m looking for grill recommendations. I’m thinking I want a new grill. We have a large Charbroil. We’ve had it for almost five years. Last year I replaced all the burner shields and grates, and this year we just replaced the burners, the burner bar, and something else (don’t remember). The originals were basically rusted out and crumbling. I’m thinking it will last me until next year, but if I find a better quality grill in the meantime, I might go for it and give this one to a family member.

    I’d want a large grill, since I have a big extended family and I would use it for picnics and stuff like that. I don’t care about side burners, but I might use it if it has one. I want something that isn’t going to rust out in a couple years, like this one did. Even though I keep a grill cover on it, it still rusted.

    Does anyone own a Weber? I’ve been looking at them for a few years and can’t bring myself to spend the money, but they seem to be well made.

    Any others you can recommend? What should I stay away from?

    1. Redrum*

      We had a Charbroil and it rusted out and wasn’t useable after a few years. We switched to a Weber and LOVE it!! You can’t go wrong with a Weber. It evenly cooks no matter where you place the meat. (No hot or cold spots, just even cooking)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, that’s something that really annoys me with my grill: meat burns in the back and takes too long to cook in the front. I’ve been eyeing the Weber for a long time, even before we got the Charbroil. But it wasn’t in our budget at that time and I needed a really big grill for a party I was having, so we got the huge Charbroil. I think it was 249.00 and it’s a six-burner. But I spent 100.00 on parts last year, and another 30.00 this year. Plus went through two grill covers. Oh, and the sear burner stopped lighting after just a couple months. So, yeah. Should have saved up and gone with quality. *sigh*

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      We really like the Weber Genesis grills. We’re on our second (EP-310); the first one (a Silver B), one of the burners rusted through a bit after many years, and we could have replaced it, but we wanted a bigger grill anyway. With Webers it’s pretty easy to repair and replace parts that get rusted/encrusted or whatever. They’ve done especially well since we only tried a cover for less than a year, but wound up not using it.

      We did have to replace the rubber hose on the Silver B with a metal braided one because the peabrained squirrels kept chewing through the rubber! But the EP-310 has the hose and tank in the cabinet under the grill, so that’s not even an issue now.

    3. Notthemomma*

      Hubby still has the Weber he bought 20+ years ago. Clean it thoroughly once a year, cover or keep inside when not in use, and the only replacement needed is one of the caster wheels. LOVE IT! It will be a great investment for you.

    4. Rogue*

      We own a Weber, but it’s a teeny, tiny, low to the ground, charcoal grill. It’s big enough for 2 monster ribeye steaks or 4 hamburgers or a package of brats. Plenty big enough for the two of us. We’ve had it about 3-4 years now. No problems with it at all. Nothing rusting away.

    5. Jules the First*

      We have a Weber and we love it. It’s also plumbed into our gas mains, which we highly recommend if you do a lot of grilling – no more hunting down extra-large tanks!

      1. Jules the First*

        Ps. Our Weber is at least 15 years old and I think we’ve replaced a burner, the ignition switch, and a hose that tangled with a particularly hungry squirrel?

    6. FDCA In Canada*

      I can’t say enough good things about Weber. My parents have had Weber grills for 30+ years, and replaced them….maybe twice? Wonderful, sturdy, impossible-to-mess-up grills. I do have to say that our family has only ever grilled with charcoal, never gas, but we have never, ever had an issue with Weber grills. We leave ours out in all kinds of gross weather, never so much as an issue. Great products. Weber’s gas grills are consistently given great ratings on Consumers Reports, and their Genesis and Summit lines are made in the USA if that’s important to you.

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        I love the quickness of a gas grill, but I cook so much better on charcoal- plus the taste is better!

        We have both a Weber grill and a Weber smoker. I love Weber to pieces, and they last!

        1. FDCA In Canada*

          I have never actually cooked on gas, so I don’t even know how, but I love cooking on charcoal. It takes longer to set up, of course, but the taste is soooo gooood and worth it! My family always does their Thanksgiving turkeys on the grill–maybe 3 hours or so? Gorgeous birds.

    8. msroboto*

      I have a Weber Genesis (not sure exactly which one). I love it.
      I looked forever and finally bought it and haven’t regretted it.

      Did you know they have a customer support number? When I first got mine there was an issue with the regulator. They sent me a new one under the warranty.

    9. neverjaunty*

      Agree – get a Weber, unless you are going to be one of Those People who makes grilling and smoking your main hobby, in which case get a Big Green Egg.

    10. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks, everyone! So, if I read this correctly, I should get a Weber? LOL ;)

      I figured Weber would be the recommendation, but was curious as to what people had to say about it since it’s quite a bit more than a Charbroil.

    11. Beancounter Eric*

      Get a Weber Kettle – gas is slightly easier, but charcoal will yield better flavor. Build quality is great, cooking is relatively easy (basically, set the vents and leave it alone), and not much to break.

  17. Anon for This*

    How do you compromise with competing needs in a relationship?

    My boyfriend and I are both stretched very thin right now and our needs aren’t always compatible. In general, we do our best to take care of ourselves, and do our best to support each other as we are equipped to. Last night, I really wanted some physical comfort – sex, preferably, but even just closeness. I was really emotionally drained. He needed to talk. He needed emotional support, and a sounding board, and I did that for him, even though it took more out of me than I had to give at that moment. I think physical support for me would have done the same for him. Neither of us were going to come out okay if we didn’t get what we needed, but what we needed was contradictory, and being the one to sacrifice my needs and put myself in the red in terms of spoons I am….very much not okay today.

    I told him we need to find better ways to compromise when our needs conflict, and he agreed, and asked me for suggestions. I have none. I was hoping the hivemind might. The next couple years for us are going to be fairly unstable and we need to figure this out.

      1. Anon for This*

        I’m familiar with it but it’s not really a question of appreciation or communication. It’s an issue of being two different people with two different sets of needs and what to do when those needs are asynchronous, and we know and understand that those needs are asynchronous.

    2. EN*

      No tips myself, but I would recommend the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. It was recommended to me as a communication book, even though at face value it’s about the science behind women’s sexual response. It’s very much taulored to figuring out what the individuals in a relationship need, how they feel about it and how to balance differences that are bound to arise between two people.

    3. emkay*

      Seems you could have cuddled and talked. We spend hours in bed, him rambling at me because he needs to, me ultra snuggling on him because I need to. Both satisfied. Give it a shot and see if it works.

      1. Anon for This*

        We did, actually. He just wasn’t in a rambling-at-me place, he needed me to participate, and that was more draining than I have been able to recover from.

        1. Dizzy Steinway*

          You know, it’s as okay to be not-up-for-that as it is to be not up for sex.

    4. Hrovitnir*

      I am the worst at this stuff, but I really think it largely needs to be a case-by-case basis with the overarching discussion being more about acknowledging the issue and agreeing to engage in good faith where there is a conflict – conflicting needs, that is. So explicitly spell out the need to discuss and genuinely consider what you can handle at the time. With agreed regular check ins (weekly maybe?) to discuss how it’s going and if it feels unbalanced.

      If it continues being unbalanced that’s when you’re going to need to discuss that it is consistently following this pattern and you’re going to need to either pull back on your support or get more – preferably the latter.

      If that’s not working you could consider seeing a relationship therapist basically as the +1 version of the weekly meetings. No harm going straight to that either, depends on your comfort level and finances. Good luck!

      1. Anon for This*

        Thank you, I like this suggestion a lot. I think the level of structure might feel cold at the beginning but ultimately could be helpful.

        1. Hrovitnir*

          I’m glad! I think any major change will feel awkward, but I’ve heard of people doing this before for various reasons and it sounds like a good idea.

    5. Not That Jane*

      Something that’s been pretty liberating for my husband and me has been realizing that we can turn to friends or family for some needs, rather than each other. We lost a child about a year ago, and in the aftermath of that, we’ve both leaned heavily on friends, family and professional counseling to process our feelings – which has been very helpful given that we have definitely been at very different places at different times. Don’t know how relevant that is to your situation, and obviously most couples (including us) wouldn’t handle physical/sexual needs that way, but leaning on others has really helped us.

      1. Anon for This*

        I really want to work on making him comfortable with this. I do it, but he’s not comfortable taking “our” stuff outside the relationship. I’m trying to convince him it can be helpful to get other perspectives on things!

        1. Becca*

          I’m going to second Hrovitnir’s couples therapist suggestion, assuming it’s possible budget-wise! Therapy isn’t only for when things look totally helpless— with things like this, it’s so helpful to have an outside and experienced perspective who can give you a bunch of concrete suggestions you might not be able to think of yourself. (So it’s been for me!) A private office could be a good place for your boyfriend to get comfortable talking about things going on with other people who aren’t you.

          Good luck :)

        2. TL -*

          Even just having someone that you don’t specifically vent to but still can have emotions at is helpful. I’m friends with a married couple and if they have a fight, I’ll get a text from him, “I really want to hike Mountain! Let’s visit you and then go!”
          And then I’ll get a text from her, “Husband is trying to plan a vacation we don’t have money for and we just got into a big fight about it.”
          It’s hilarious (and not a big deal, because they both kinda assume I only know what they individually tell me.)

        3. Not So NewReader*

          I hate saying this because implications/assumptions/etc. But here goes, I grew up in kind of a strange context and my husband had similar strangeness in his own home. (Neither one of us brought our friends to meet our parents.) With all this strangeness, of course came a WHOLE bunch of misconceptions on our own parts.

          Eh, we learned to keep our heads down and not say too much while we each figure out how the world actually worked. (I’m still working on this.)
          So that’s the background for my specific thought here: Define the term”our stuff”.

          See, in our world every. single. damn. thing. was “your problem, you deal”. This is what we got from our parents, so we assumed that other people did not want to talk about our broken car, sick dog, back ache, bad day at work, etc, either. We ended up mostly dumping on each other.

          Can I just say this is NOT a long term plan.

          The problem at square one was to define what could be discussed with others and what should be discussed just between us. Our parents believed themselves to be rugged, self-sufficient individuals. To us they looked isolated, elitist and never pleased with anything. (This is what happens after a couple lives this way for decades.) A car problem was a bfd and a deep dark secret. (Everything grew into being exponentially harder than need be.)

          Here is something very, very important to hang onto. Marriage is not a destination, it’s a journey. We don’t stop needed other people because we don’t stop journeying through life. Next important thing: Spouses will not ever offer us the comprehensive package of everything we need to get through life. Ever. It’s unfair to ask a spouse to be a parent/bff/spiritual adviser/financial wiz/home fix-it guru/lover/nurse/shrink/dog sitter and on and on.

          Looking at how to change things, one thing you might want to consider is in a calm moment talk about what subjects are okay to talk with other people about and what subjects aren’t. Actually lay out what stuff is truly “our stuff” and what is just “life stuff”.

          You might land on something like this: (Okay means okay to discuss with others or selected others and not okay means it’s not okay to talk with anyone about.)

          New credit card with a great rate: okay
          The amount of debt the two of you carry: not okay

          What to get each other for Valentines day: okay
          How your sex life is doing: not okay

          Loss in family: Okay
          Toxic nature of that relationship: not okay

          When you hit a “not okay” that area is fair game to consider bringing a professional IF that area seems to be causes stress in your relationship.

          Remind your other half that you promised to love them but you did not and cannot promise to be everything they need to get through life. All you can do is help as best you can, that is all you can do. The good news here is that the same thing goes for them, they can only do the best they can for us, that’s it.

    6. KS girl at heart*

      Could you have made a compromise that would have gotten you both what you needed? He would get a set length of time of your emotional support and then you could get the physical comfort you needed from him? Or is it too draining to try to do both?

      1. Anon for This*

        Approaching it from a more rational frame of mind and setting those parameters in the beginning, yes, maybe that would work, and I’ll definitely keep this suggestion in mind. Last night was a mess I don’t think we would’ve gotten to this place. But it’s a good goal.

    7. AnonyMouse*

      First, *hugs* if you want them!

      A few little suggestions –
      1) Could you have said something like, “I want to be here for you but I don’t have a lot of spoons today — can you pick one thing that’s bugging you most, that I can listen to, then at X o’clock, can we just cuddle for a bit before we sleep?” What I’m trying to get at here is a formula along the lines of “I love you + I have these limitations + Here’s a concrete plan”

      2) When you’re in a better headspace, figure out what sort of personal activities help you each de-stress. My husband likes to watch TV shows and work on hobby projects. It helps me to take hot showers and read books. Sometimes when he doesn’t have the energy to support me, he steers me to the things he knows will help me become alright by myself — like, “Honey, I have to finish up some work right now. Why don’t you take a hot shower and get into bed with a book, I’ll come join you in an hour.” That way he gets his stuff done, I get into a better mindset, and by the time he joins me, I actually demand less of him than I would have pre-self-caring.

      3) Relatedly, if you guys can accept that your needs can be met by things outside of each other sometimes (other friends, family, self-care), you can still be supporting each other by helping each other figure out how to get the needs met. I.e. “I don’t have the bandwidth right now to be your sounding board as much as you want and deserve. Can we supplement me somehow? Is there a friend who might be helpful to you? How about Cassie?” Obviously that doesn’t work in all cases, e.g. wanting physical closeness, but it may help alleviate the pressure in some instances.

      Also, as a reminder, the give & take in a relationship doesn’t have to be equal all the time. I don’t know if this is a helpful reminder for you, but it’s something I struggle with. I’ve recently been sick a lot and have a more demanding job, so Mr. AnonyMouse has been doing a lot of the support (mainly chores but also emotional support). Sometimes I feel guilty about this, but I’m slowly getting to a place of realizing that truly, he has more bandwidth than I do now and that’s okay! Someday he may be the one who needs more help and I can step up then. And in the meantime I shower him with gratitude, and on the days that I do have extra spoons I do one of his chores or leave him little post-it notes of love. I bring this up because you said the next couple years will be unstable — so there may be weeks and months where you have to take turns supporting each other, and that’s okay. There is nothing wrong if, say, for this week he is taking care of your needs while a friend meets his needs. (Arguably that’s not a good long-term solution, but I think it’s fine temporarily/my point is that these things may wax & wane) It’s more important that the needs get met, so you’re both in the best possible mental state to enjoy each other!

      1. Not That Jane*

        Nothing to add here, just want to let you know that you guys sound amazing together. :)

  18. Sled dog mama*

    I’ve been thinking about/planning on getting a tattoo in honor of my daughter and in memory of my daughter who died last year. I had the design I wanted in mind, some sketches of it, and I was on the point of making an appointment with an artist whose work I really liked to finalize the design when something hit me. If I am getting this for myself why am I planning to put it on my back where I will be literally the only person who can’t see it?
    Anybody got thoughts or suggestions on where I could get it that would be able to be covered for professional purposes, somewhere I could see, and not suffer from too much sagging as I age?

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      I have a tattoo on my shoulder/back and I can see it if I twist round. I also have one on my foot.

      I’d suggest you take your design to the tattooist and ask them to work with you to figure out where it should go as they should be able to advise.

      I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

    2. Pixel*

      I was thinking ankle/inside of foot (the fleshy part right under the inner ankle “bone bump”. This way I can see it whenever I take my shoes of. It’s a solid, non/saggy area compared to the calf and upper ankle.

      So sorry about your daughter. A tattoo is such a great way to honour her.

    3. Rena*

      It’s a common location these days, but I really like my upper arm tattoo (near my shoulder). I can cover it with longer short sleeves if I really need to, I can look down and see it, and I easily see it in the mirror. It was also really easy to take care of – feet tattoos take a little extra work and can wear down/blur easily from your shoes rubbing.

    4. Hrovitnir*

      Second talking with the artist. How big is it? I am currently getting a tattoo designed for something I want to be visible to me but not highly in the line of sight of others, and I’m thinking inside ankle (above the joint, basically lower calf but the inside.)

      There’s just below the elbow on your forearm but it depends if you wear short sleeves at work. Also if it goes into the elbow itself I can tell you that is a painful spot! But yes, upper shoulder is common and a nice shape for many tattoos, you’ve also got ribs if you’re feeling brave (ow), maybe top of your thigh (I’m thinking basically below the pelvis, quarter of the way around from the absolute outside of your hip if that makes sense.) Just throwing out ideas because I’ve struggled a little to think of areas for my one (especially since I also have plans for other parts of my body.)

      1. Franzia Spritzer*

        I was going to suggest the same.

        I’m a heavily tattooed person, I have full sleeves and my chest done, with small stuff on my neck… and it’s a PIA to cover up to look professional. I also have stuff on my thighs that have never seen the light of day, and are just for me because I almost always wear pants, when do I wear skirts they’re knee length so those tattoos don’t show. I do have stuff on my calves and ankles that I kind of wish were higher so I could be a little more stealth when appropriate.

        If you want to have memento mori tattoos that are really just for you, around the thighs are great places to get those, or on your torso, but man that stuff hurts, if you’re new to getting tattooed you might want to start somewhere more meaty.

      2. Saturnalia*

        Agreed. I actually enjoyed the feeling of my thigh tattoo (especially comparing with the sensation of the back of my knee…), and it also had the surprising effect of helping me to tolerate the appearance of my least favorite body part. I eventually expanded the thigh tattoo into a whole leg piece which I adore, but not all parts of the leg are as pleasant as the front/outside of the upper-mid thigh.

      3. esra (also a Canadian)*

        This was going to be my recommendation as well. I have tattoos on the back of my neck and outer ankle, which are both easily hidden, but I’ve seen some really beautiful work done on the hips/outer thigh.

    6. Tiger tattoo*

      I have a large tattoo on my back, and I am very happy with it there. I can look at pictures if I want to see it, but I can’t look at it every day and pick it all apart. I’m kind of a perfectionist and am pretty sure that if I could see it clearly all the time, I would by now have found lots of flaws in it that would bother me. As it is, I think it is awesome.

    7. Loopy*

      I have a very meaningful tattoo on my back and I absolutely wish I had gotten it somewhere I can see it more- so realizing this potential issue before you yours it is a wonderful thing.

      I have two large tattoos on my calves- I can’t show them at work but never have a problem as I either wear long pants or solid black tights / leggings. If you aren’t fond of skirts/dresses with bare legs or ultra thin hose I think it’s a good option.

      But I definitely do not have an issue with wearing leggings or tights if I want to wear a skirt dress to work as I work in a comfy climate controlled office. I enjoy seeing my other tattoos. I hope your tattoo brings you comfort, it’s a wonderful way to memorialize someone.

    8. Lore*

      Mine is on the front of my shoulder for that very reason. You see a hint of it with wide necked shirts or obviously anything with spaghetti straps but it’s small enough that I can cover even in summer without major wardrobe restriction. Unexpected bonus–not a lot of nerve endings there and also not directly over bone so much less painful than other spots.

  19. Mike C.*

    Hey folks, if you have a good relationship with your parents, please give them a call.

    My mother passed away suddenly this morning.

    9. Sherm*

      I’m so sorry! How devastating and horrible. I hope you are able to find solace many times and in many places.

    12. Channel Z*

      So sorry Mike, for your loss. I am heeding your advice and phoning my parents now.

    18. MoodyMoody*

      Adding to the sympathy. I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I hope you’ll be okay and get through everything. Be gentle on yourself. Come back later if you need more Internet support.

    30. Nynaeve*

      I’m so sorry for your sudden loss. Your mother raised a real mensch, so she must have been an amazing person and the world is dimmer for her absence.

      I hope you have all the support you need during this difficult time.

    39. Zathras*

      I’m really sorry for your loss. You’re a good person to take the time to reach out and remind people to appreciate what we have. I lost my dad many years ago but I’ll give my mom an extra big hug when I see her tomorrow.

    43. Rebecca*

      So sorry, Mike, that has to be so difficult. Condolences, hugs, and wishing you peace.

    48. Mrs. Fenris*

      Oh, I am so sorry. My dad got up one morning in 2007 and had a fatal heart attack, just like that. It had been about 2 weeks since we last talked.

    51. Arduino*

      I am so sorry. My mom died suddenly Jan 28. I just turned 29 in December. Please give your self grace and forgiveness during the tough times ahead. Don’t fight the grief wells.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Am very sorry for your loss, and good advice “don’t fight the grief wells”.

    53. Not So NewReader*

      So very sorry, Mike.
      If there is anything we can do from out here in internet-land, please let us know.

    57. mousemom*

      So sorry to hear that, Mike.
      Hope you have lots of loving memories to help comfort you.

    61. Anon A Mousse*

      My sincere condolences.

      Please do what you need to do for you. Responding to this sort of thing can be very idiosyncratic. I lost my Dad suddenly from a cancer diagnosed way too late just shy of 10 years ago, and I didn’t respond like either of my siblings, and Grandma kind of scared us. If you have someone not in the midst of grieving you can trust to help just keep an eye on you for if you start to have issues you don’t realize you are having, I recommend it.

    67. salad fingers*

      So sorry to hear that, Mike C. I hope you and your family have all the support you need, and thank you for that reminder.

    71. 42*

      I’m so sorry to hear this Mike. I know how it feels to lose a parent without warning…please take care of yourself and accept offers for help if it meets a need. Sincere condolences to you and family from NJ.

    72. Jean who wants less physical & mental clutter*

      So sorry to learn of your sudden loss. I hope that everyone in your family will take care of each other collectively and individually.
      As others have said, be kind and patient with yourself. Grief runs on its own timetable.
      I will follow your advice and call my folks this afternoon.

    77. Mike C.*

      Hey, I just wanted to thank everyone for their messages of support. Seriously, it was a bright spot in a terrible weekend.

    79. Wearing a Mask for This*

      Mike, my thoughts are with you & your loved ones.
      What an honour to your mum’s memory by sharing your grief & encouraging others to call their own parents!

  20. Anonmatopeia*

    Long rant into the internet void in three, two …

    I feel that I’m irrationally furious with my in-laws — brother and sister in law and their families. MIL and FIL are deceased. They are all good people and I love them, but I feel abandoned by them. My husband, their brother, suffered a terrible life-changing sports accident a few years ago,and although he came most of they way back (I’m talking having to relearn everything again), he didn’t come back 100%. He had to take a medical retirement from a career and company he loved. We are fortunate in so, so many ways and have found our new normal. His family was spectacular in the most immediate moments of crisis and through the very harrowing early days of his long recovery. Since then, though, I kind of feel forgotten by them in that they don’t seem to realize that this major change in our life has meant that, in general, several things are harder for us. For instance, we’d love to travel, and have some, but it’s really, really hard for me to do without help with my husband. Part of his ongoing issues are memory lapses and organizational skills. We traveled to Europe last year and it nearly killed me shouldering all the burden of getting ready to go, navigating, customs, etc. traveling with others who understand our situation would make all the difference. His sibs travel extensively but never ask us along. We have the means and we are not hard to get along with. As I said, I love these people and they love us. My SIL posted recently that she, her young adult daughter and our young adult niece caught a touring broadway show in our city — “Just the girls.” Didn’t think to invite me. My sibs and their young adult kids, on the other hand, always remember to include us in different outings and trips. They aren’t world travel outings, but still…we are so happy to be included. My sibs provide support to us in that way and understand the help my husband sometimes needs. I’m to the point of a slow simmering rage with my inlaws. The SIL lives in my city, BIL travels here frequently. There’s supposed to be a big family get together in June centering around my SIL and a charitable cause of hers (that I assist her with, ironically) and I am not feeling it. I know how to constructively confront, but this one just has me silently boiling. Anyone else been there?

    1. Channel Z*

      Were you invited along before the accident to events? Maybe they just don’t know what you both want and need, or are not sure you up for it. And sure it’s hard for them to adjust to their brother’s changes. Have you talked to them directly about it, or asked for help yourself? It is hard to shoulder the burden by yourself, and natural to feel resentment. I hope you can get the support you need from them, and don’t forget to appreciate your own sibs.

      1. Anonomatopeia*

        Thank you. I so appreciate my own sibs. Totally lucked out in that deportment. I have mentioned to my hub’s sibs that long distance travel and complex activities are tough for us. My husband and I engage in those kinds of things, it’s just that it’s massively energy sucking for me. My sibs can take one look at me or me and my husband and know when to jump in for some subtle help. His, nope. I think that’s the part that annoys and angers me so. As I said, in the big wheel spin of life, we have been fortunate and my husband and I both feel that we choose brilliantly in the families we married in to.

        1. LaterKate*

          So, if someone told me that long distance travel was difficult for them, I would think that meant “don’t ask us to travel long distances, because it is so difficult” and then I would avoid asking because I wouldn’t want them to feel obligated. Maybe that’s just my frame of reference, because when I say “doing X is difficult with young kids” I mean “that is a huge hassle and if I do it, I’m doing it because it’s important to you, not because I want to.” Any chance they’ve misunderstood what you need/want?

          1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

            I would tend to think that was a stronger hint to not invite them as well, but my default is that if I’m not sure, I’ll ask: does that mean you’d prefer not to be asked to join us on big trips like that? Or would it just depend on a case by case basis and you’d need accommodations?

            But then I’m familiar with having serious limitations and never feel inconvenienced if a friend has them as well and has to be accommodated. I think there are those who don’t want to cramp their style, and people who don’t notice when someone might need help may fit that category. :/

    2. Caro in the UK*

      It sounds like well meaning obliviousness, rather than malice. So I would definitely talk to them about it! If you don’t feel you can convey it verbally in the way that you want to, try writing a letter and give yourself time to digest, edit and reedit it before sending it.

      Good luck, you sound like you’re doing amazingly well in very challenging circumstances.

      1. Anonomatopeia*

        I think you are right. It’s obliviousness. I think that’s part of what bothers me. I mean, I know I’m spitting in the wind, but how can people be so oblivious? Thanks for the reply!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          People can be oblivious because they have never faced long term difficulty OR because they HAVE faced it and are burned out.

          My aunt used to say that with widowhood if the husband’s family sticks around that is called a miracle. I saw that in taking care of my husband, the family got pretty sparse. The people that showed up were my family, our friends and people from church. I am not sure why this goes this way and my aunt wasn’t sure either.

    3. Temperance*

      Do your husband’s siblings typically travel with their immediate family, or do they travel with each other? The answer to that question changes my advice. If they are not traveling with each other regularly, they honestly might not realize that you and your husband want to be included. I also wonder if it might be nice for you and your husband to reach out to them about taking a low-stakes trip together (like the shore). If they are traveling with each other regularly, they might have the mistaken assumption that your husband isn’t up to travel, because it does sound like it’s incredibly difficult for him to navigate without you handling it. You all have a very good relationship, so I think it’s worth discussing. I can see how it would be frustrating that his own siblings aren’t stepping up to include you, knowing the burden that this accident has had, but it sounds like they might be more ignorant than malicious.

      Could you get a break from caregiving, and maybe take these more intense trips with your own siblings or friends, and leave your husband with his sister for a period of time? I apologize if I am underestimating his abilities here.

      1. Anonomatopeia*

        Thanks Temperance. No need to apologize. Thankfully my husband abilities are generally pretty good. If you saw him out and about or talked with him, you probably wouldn’t notice any disability. The thing with traveling to places unfamiliar is that his navigation skills and organization skills fail him. In our home city, he’s fine navigating around. And you are right about his siblings; there is no maliciousness. They are around him enough to know his limitations, though, so the cluelessness on their part mystifies me. Ah well. Thanks for your thoughts!

    4. Turtlewings*

      They may assume that your husband is not able to travel and don’t want to cause pain by making you turn down invitations. Since they’ve otherwise been good to you, I would assume there’s nothing deliberate or mean-spirited about the exclusion, they just don’t realize that you could come with some assistance and would like to be invited. Maybe try suggesting a group trip somewhere.

    5. Dan*

      I learned a long time ago that if you want something to happen, you have to make it happen. You also can’t really make people want what you want or do what you want them to do.

      What I see in your post is you patiently waiting to get an invitation to the prom, and meanwhile, the object of your affection has no idea that you even want to go.

      Why can’t you ask around, see if people are interested, and if they are, put something together? As others have said, they may not know what you’re up for.

      Although, I do have to throw in a caveat… depending on what you’ve told your DH’s family about his needs and challenges, they may feel like it’s more than they want to deal with on vacation or that they will have to overly accommodate him. Part of your post reads as if you want some people to travel with so you have help with DH… you may be better off trying to bring paid help on your trip.

      On a bit of a side note…

      I do a lot of foreign travel. Last year, my mom, dad, and I took a two week transatlantic cruise. My dad has all of his faculties, but my mom is starting to have some diminished mental capacity. To say the least, I felt that accommodating her was a bit of a challenge. While I won’t say “never again”, I will say that you won’t find me “encouraging” mom to do something of that magnitude again. If she brings something up, fine, but unless she “offers”, I’m not encouraging it.

      1. Anonomatopeia*

        Thank you, Dan. I’d never hire help for this kind of thing and it’s not as you describe with your mom. And I’m so sorry your family is facing some challenges there. I can certainly approach my sibs in law about travel and we have invited them to many non-travel activities. Good luck to and with your mom.

      2. Temperance*

        My MIL has been on us for a while to plan a “family vacation”, because she dreams of taking her parents to the shore and she can’t do it alone. I feel bad for her predicament, but our vacation is supposed to be a break … and spending a day with those people isn’t even a little bit of a break, much less a week. They aren’t really disabled, but they are very grumpy, very fussy, and want things just so. (For example, if they want a meal, they only want to go to a buffet, and they don’t want to wait in any sort of line. Not. Possible.)

        She can’t afford to take them and they’re so demanding that she’ll need help, but we don’t want to chip in and spend time on a trip that would be less relaxing than just working and staying home to do chores. We would end up sleeping on the floor in the living room of a cramped vacation condo, which is fine if you’re in college and vacationing with friends, not so much if you’re an adult with a demanding job.

    6. LCL*

      The heart of it is this. ‘They don’t seem to realize…things are harder for us.’
      Have you told them this specifically and what you would like them to do? The fact they helped out so much in the early days shows they are willing to help. Ask them for help, with specifics.

    7. Ms Ida*

      I think the most constructive approach is to assume the in laws just are not aware of the support you need now. It sounds like they were great during the crisis and there to support you and they think your husband has recovered more than he has. They may just need to hear from you the specific support you need.

      Another suggestion, since your adult nieces/nephews on your side include you and presumably are more aware of the struggles your husband has they might a great resource for longer trips. I am guessing young adults would love an opportunity to travel more with some financial support in exchange for helping you with the logistics. For example you could pay for plane tickets in exchange for a niece handling the logistics at airports, train stations, making reservations , etc… You could go your separate ways for different activities but still know there is another adult you can depend on and can do some of the heavy lifting on organization side.

      1. Dan*

        I really like your suggestion in the second paragraph, that’s certainly more gentle than what I was getting at earlier.

    8. Susie*

      I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you and your husband.

      As someone who has been a caregiver, I would say that if you have an otherwise good relationship with them, they aren’t trying to hurt you on purpose. If they haven’t been caregivers in your situation they won’t know what you are feeling / going through. If you haven’t asked them for help or told them how you are feeling they probably think everything is okay. They may have said something like “if you need anything let us know” and since you haven’t they are just assuming everything is okay.

      It also might be awkward for them. These things are not easy for anyone and they might not know what to say or do. It doesn’t mean they don’t care. When it comes to inviting you to things, either alone or with your husband, they may not know your needs. They might not know you are able to travel or want to travel. They might not know you would like to go with the girls and not just spend your time with your husband or de-stressing on your own and having alone time. They may think you want space and don’t want to intrude. They might not want to upset the routine you and your husband have established.

      I would advise you to gently speak to them about how you are feeling, if your relationship is otherwise good. People who have never been caregivers don’t know what it’s like. They are family too. They may miss who he was and mourn for him. Tell them how you feel and what you need. If the relationships are otherwise good they may just be in their own bubble. It doesn’t mean they are bad people.

      Whatever happens, I wish you well. Your husband and you will be in my thoughts. Sending good vibes and love to you both.

      (I hope it does come across like I am piling on you for not “understanding” how they are feeling. I’m only trying to show the other side. I have been a caregiver and understand where you are coming from. I know it isn’t easy and I certainly don’t think you are wrong for feeling how you do)

      1. Susie*

        I hope is does *NOT come across. That was a typo. I didn’t mean to pile on when you were asking for support.

    9. Sibley*

      So, my dad’s side of the family sounds like your in-laws. It sucks to see pictures on facebook that are damning evidence that my dad was excluded, again. I just chalk it up to them being selfish and move on.

    10. Stellaaaaa*

      How does your husband feel about this? Part of me thinks that it’s his obligation to ask them for help. I personally would not feel comfortable acting as a go-between for my partner and his siblings, nor would I appreciate it if my partner asked my siblings for help on my behalf.

      I would also think about whether you want to be included or whether you want caretaking help. They are overlapping concepts in your case, but they are very different things to ask of other people. Feel free to ask for whatever help you need but if it comes down to you needing help with things like international travel, I would be prepared to offer to pay the other person’s way for them. Keep in mind that not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker, and it’s best not to try to convince other people to take on onerous tasks that they know they wouldn’t be good at. There are a lot of people out there who aren’t terrible people but nonetheless do not feel that being related to someone obligates them to pitch in. People will do it for a parent when the time comes but it’s not an automatic part of someone’s mental landscape to think to offer long-term help for a sibling who doesn’t appear to need it, who has a spouse to help out, and who doesn’t have children to care for on top of all of that.

      At the end of the day, is it 100% okay for you to ask for anything you want or need. After all, the worst that could happen is they say no. Your siblings are responding to your need for help. Your husband’s siblings are perceiving that he doesn’t need help, because he’s the one they have the long-term dynamic with.

      I hope none of this seems harsh. It sounds like a tough situation but the way I see it, there are a few different ways to approach the conversation. I really do think you should start with your husband. Find out if he wants his siblings’ help in the first place.

      1. Anonmatopeia*

        Thank you for your reply. Honestly, it does seem harsh. I think AAM can be a harsh place.

        To clarify. I’m not looking for a care taker. That’s not my intent at all. It’s much more along the lines of wanting to be included, as in hearing something from my husband’s sibs like, Hey, we’re thinking of a trip to the UK next summer. We know it’s easier for you guys if you can travel with others. Wanna go with? There’s no sense of obligation toward them for being caretakers from either me or my husband.

        1. Toots MaGoots*

          But it sounds like you DO want help “shouldering the burden” and that’s completely understandable. As others have pointed out, it’s on you to communicate that to your in-laws. And also to be clear about what you need. It sounds like it’s more than just being included. You say that it’s easier for you when you travel together. How? Again, it’s completely understandable. I think getting clear on what you really want/need is key — and communicating that to them. And, of course, allowing them to be honest in return about what they need and want.

          1. Anonomatopeia*

            It’s the planning and in-situ decision-making stuff with travel that is much easier and enjoyable if you don’t have to shoulder it all and can bounce to someone else at times. My husband isn’t great at that since his accident. I’m clear on what I need, I think. Funnily enough, I did mention this to my other SIL (BIL’s wife) in the context of me suggesting a trip we might all do together. Her response was, “Great! Plan it and let us know.” I can laughingly shake my head, but sheesh, that’s the stuff I need a break from. I do all the planning and major decision-making in our lives now with the exception of financial stuff, like investments. For some weird but wonderful reason all my husband’s knowledge and abilities in that area remained intact.

            1. Toots MaGoots*

              Yeah, that sounds pretty tone deaf. I’m sorry. Travel planning is a lot of work, especially when you’re doing it for two. I hope things work out however you want them to. Sometimes people can surprise you — in good ways.

    11. Gadfly*

      So, I’ve been through some of this with both parents (Dad had a pulmonary attack, Mom was injured in a car accident within a year of each other when I was 18/19). Sometimes the hardest part of helping with this is just being the one who has to make all the choices and do the thinking ahead. It really does take a LOT of mental and emotional energy. So am I understanding right that you just wish that maybe sometimes other people could be in charge of a lot of the decision making about what to do and where to go and stay so you can mostly have a break a just do what has been planned? And if there is a problem, say at customs, you aren’t the only one to try to explain the issue?

      I think most people who haven’t dealt with it just don’t understand what you are asking for, and assume you need help minding a person or more personal care, when you really just need a break from the what is basically the administrative side of caretaking more than anything. And I’ll be honest, I’d be better at helping my sister with a husband needing help than my SIL with my brother. There just is a different relationship with my sister and as much as I would want to help my brother, there would be a degree of uncertainty and fear of toe stepping/boundary crossing in dealing with my SIL. And I’d pick up on my sister’s hints far more easily–we share a native tongue of Gadflyese from babbling at each other since I was a toddler. My SIL I sometimes simply do not understand, even though we are both speaking English. They may need to be told what you need very clearly so they know that they understand and aren’t worried about misunderstandings.

      A suggestion for your husband to try if you haven’t that helped Dad a lot–he got a little pocket sized planner/calendar that fit with his wallet. He had some basic/generic information in the front and back that he needed help remembering at times, and he’d make little notes for what was needed that day or for upcoming events. His big issue was short term memory–the writing both gave him something to refer to and engaged other better/still functioning parts of his brain so a memory was more likely to form. And having something to refer to rather than having to ask people all the time really helped him be a lot more independent and to feel better about himself and more confident.

      2. Anonomatopeia*

        You’ve pegged the situation exactly right, Gadfly. It’s all tbe decision-making and administrative logistical stuff about travel (and even some closer to home activities) that can suck me dry if I can’t hand it off to someone else every once in a while. You know, divide and conquer. My husband doesn’t need personal care-taking as you mentioned. You get it. Thanks for your insight.

        1. ginger ale for all*

          Have you thought about using a travel agent to help with the planning? I know that it seems as if everyone should be able to plan trips by themselves with the internet but I think your circumstances prove that there is still a place for good travel agents.

    12. Coraggio*

      I agree with lots of the advice to talk to them about what you & your husband would like.

      Finding a younger family member to come with you is a great idea too.

      My grandmother used to travel with an adult grandchild in tow as she found the actual travel part of international travel hard. I was the lucky one who got to go and see polar bears with her! Of course there were some stressful moments – like not being able to find her passport to get on the flight that we couldn’t miss and losing her boarding pass between check in and boarding on another one! OMG. After that I held all travel docs. But otherwise she was a pleasure to travel with and it’s wonderful being able to talk with her now about it – she has pretty bad dementia.

    13. SeekingBetter*

      I’m sorry to hear your struggles with the in-laws. My advice would maybe try to tell them about planning a trip together sometime. I’m sorry to hear that traveling with your husband and only you is difficult. If you can get an extra pair of hands to help you both travel safely for near future trips, this would most likely make you feel better about your travels.

      I actually have a relative that needs help from two of our relatives in order to safely travel abroad. This relative goes on trips only once a year.

    14. Katie Beth*

      I agree that inviting a young adult family member along would be very useful. Or perhaps initiate a trip planning discussion with the family members you would like to travel with.

      But I think a huge factor is whether or not you all traveled together regularly before. Sometimes people prefer to travel in smaller groups and aren’t up for big group international trips. And, right or wrong, some people don’t want to be slowed down on their vacations. They would rather travel a certain pace and only travel with those who travel at a similar pace. That’s not good or bad, it’s just an individual preference.

      I think your best bet is to tell them you would like to all go on a trip together, outline what help you will need and see if they’re up for it.

      And, if they aren’t up for it, that doesn’t make them bad people (assuming they are otherwise kind). It just means that particular kind of travel doesn’t work for them. People have limited time and money for travel and want to use theirs differently.

      But the way to get the ball rolling is definitely to talk with them openly and see what they are thinking. They could be thrilled to travel with you and your husband but just thought you weren’t up for it.

      1. LaterKate*

        Great points, especially that if they only want to travel with each other or at a certain pace or to certain places, that doesn’t make them bad people in and of itself. I understand the desire to have help, but also agree that I am particular about how I spend my time/money in relation to vacations. If it’s going to end up not feeling like a vacation for them, it’s valid that they may not choose to spend their time/money traveling with you guys. (Of course, ideally they are happy to travel with you guys and are just oblivious.)

  21. Jude*

    Can any of you recommend a good and value-for-money compact mechanical keyboard for typing?

    I am toying with the idea of buying the keyboard for use at my work, which requires me to churn writeups and report.

    2. dr_silverware*

      I can’t recommend the website The Wirecutter enough! It and its sister site the sweet home are really really good for price-conscious consumer reviews.

    3. copy run start*

      I have this keyboard with the Cherry MX Brown keys, it’s been great for the past 4 years. Only thing is the paint is finally starting to wear off on a few keys, but I can touch type and there’s still a bit of an indent. No 10-key pad on the “small” version. Putting the Blue style since that’s most popular with typists I think.

      https://www.amazon.com/Storm-QuickFire-Rapid-Tenkeyless-Mechanical/dp/B0068INSUM/ref=sr_1_2?s=electronics&ie=UTF8&qid=1491677495&sr=1-2&keywords=cm%2Bstorm%2Bquickfire%2Brapid&th=1

    4. ABL*

      Check which key type you get… I forget which ones are which, but the difference between the quiet and loud keys is pretty huge. Any office/cube mates will hopefully not have an issue with the quiet ones but the loud ones might be another story.

  22. Michelle*

    Sort of a meta-question for this post: at what point do people stop reading/responding?

    Every week (for both open threads, but more so for the work one) posts towards the bottom will start with something like ‘I’m late but I hope someone reads this…’, but those are usually only a few hours after the thread opens. Do people just stop reading after a certain point? Do people not respond to later posts because they figure no one else will read it?

    1. Anon for This*

      Nah I think people skim or read from the bottom or whatever as they have time. Those posts are being overly self-conscious, and often get responses.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        Maybe they’re daunted by the number of comments. I agree that they often get responses. I read from the top, but once you collapse the threads there may not be all that many anchor comments before you get to the “Coming in late…” ones. I tend to only open threads I’m interested in.

      2. Jessesgirl72*

        Yes, when the thread gets too long, I read from the bottom.

        I read and comment here and there until Sunday night.

    2. Sparkly Librarian*

      If I leave a comment and want to see others who commented on the same point or replied to me, I usually keep a tab open and refresh several times over 24 hours or so. Maybe 36 hours for an open thread or weekend free-for-all. But if I’m just reading, I don’t come back to a post after, oh, 2 hours. Exception being “first post of the day”, which comes up for me at 9PM: I read those just before bed (20-30 comments) and then refresh when I get up or on my way to work (200-300 comments).

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        Whereas for me the first post ones come online just before I get up (UK) and I read them over my coffee!

    3. Thlayli*

      i just scrolled down on the Friday open thread to find a particular comment to see if there were any responses. Not kidding it took me nearly an hour to find it. There were no new responses.

      Someone said on Fridays open thread (paraphrasing) that the comment section is getting so big that the old system isn’t really working anymore. I agree.

      1. Hrovitnir*

        Yeah, I find threading makes it harder to find comments again – and particularly, to read new comments. But not threading results in a lot of “@Thayli” that you don’t know the context of, or big quotes so isn’t ideal either.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        One thing you can do is to bookmark the specific comment so it’s easy to come back to it later. (If you click on the blue date/time right above the comment, that’ll give you the link that goes straight to it.) Or you can just search for your own name, if you’re looking for your own comments.

        I don’t think the old system isn’t working. I think it’s certainly bigger, which means more unwieldy than it used to be … but I think people will still take what they want from it, as they always have.

        I’ve considered lots of other options, but the current one still seems like the simplest/most straightforward, and I put a high value on that. That said, if there’s a better system out there, I’d love to be pointed to it.

        (However, I am highly likely to begin requiring registration at some point, which will likely cut down on comment numbers.)

        1. Hrovitnir*

          I did not know you could do that! Cool. (I generally do the name searching.) I also have no idea what the ideal comment section approach is, and wish I did.

      3. Someone*

        If you remember the username and/or some keywords from that post ctrl+f (word search) is your friend. It’s what I have done in the past.

    4. Hrovitnir*

      I don’t stop reading necessarily unless I’m really tired and start skimming, but if it’s a huge comment section I run out of the will to *reply* unless it’s something that’s someone who needs support without advice or something I have personal experience with. That only really hits about 800 comments, maybe?

      I think for regular question threads, because Alison is so prolific people don’t necessarily go and check the comments again after they first look so later replies are seen by less people.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I always think it’s interesting when people comment on very old posts. I think I know that pull of “I have to say something about this, even if only one other person ever sees it.”

        1. Hrovitnir*

          I usually don’t comment if we’re talking months to years, but if feel really strongly it’s hard. :D

        2. fposte*

          Sometimes it’s just that I forget which tab I wanted to answer on :-). But when I browse the archives, I do look for those late posts–they seem to range from the unhinged to the desperate.

          1. JBinNC*

            I’ve been working on the archives here for a couple of months now (I’m up to April 2015) and it does seem like there are a lot of late posts that are so weird and/or random.

          2. dawbs*

            I think I did that this week.
            Reading a current post AND an old post that a commenter referenced.
            I’m fairly sure I intended to comment on the current post and commented on the old one. Whoops.
            So, sorry to zombie thread something 2 years old or whatnot.

        3. Mallory Janis Ian*

          Sometimes I forget that it’s an old post, and I respond if I’m moved to do so. And then I’m like, “D’oh! Old post!”

        4. Manager On a Break*

          Sometimes I just have to say something. Even if *no* other person ever sees it.
          Especially when I’m not in the office and forced to filter all my thoughts through all of the PC, HR, and Legal thought-filters necessary to keep a manager’s job these days. :)

          I’ve been an intermittent reader, for years, but was never much for commenting, anywhere, until recently.
          It’s a bit frustrating when you can’t comment on some older ones. I just bug my wife with them. “Hey, listen to this crap!”
          You’ve had some real doozies here. The one where the person stole someone’s food and was in cahoots with the HR person to get the victim fired because the food was too spicy was one that I just read, for instance. Crazy stuff. :)
          Anyhow… I hope people keep being as “interesting” as they have been. Keep up the good work.

          1. Halpful*

            me too… or I don’t notice the date until just after I hit submit, and then feel bad. :/

            I was really sad to be late to the “bloody hell” post – I had a funny story, and a few other things, but it just feels weird to post now, especially with so many *many* comments already there.

            and I actually came here to comment on the comment features, but I’m starting to forget what.. oh I had an actual idea… I can’t decide whether to post it as a reply to what inspired it (a post a couple of days old at least) or just dump it in here somewhere. this would be so much simpler if my anxiety didn’t insist on complicating it all.

    5. Sherm*

      I admit that I won’t write if I think no one will read, but for the open threads I figure that there’s a good chance that the person who posted late in the game will come back to look for replies. So, if I think I have something helpful to say, I’ll write in. For non-open thread posts that get many hundreds of comments, they pretty much all get repetitive after a point. I have read every single comment for posts I was intensely interested in, but often I tune out and return to work (Yeah I read AAM at work) or whatever. As for posting, I realize that the OPs, even the ones who haven’t chimed in, may be reading through all the posts, but usually at a late time point I don’t feel I really have anything to add.

    6. CAA*

      Someone posted one of those “I know it’s late…” comments a couple of weeks ago at 9:00 AM US Pacific time! I admit I rolled my eyes at that because at the time there weren’t even half as many comments as the open thread usually gets.

      On Saturday mornings, if I’m around, I usually do two things with the Friday thread:
      – skim from the bottom up to see if there’s anything interesting that I hadn’t already read/responded to
      – ctrl+f and search for my name and jump to my previous posts to see if anyone has replied to me and is waiting for me to respond to them

      This morning I posted twice in the Friday thread.

    8. SophieChotek*

      I read when I have time and energy. (And need something to do.) If I am busy on the weekends, the sometimes I don’t make it over except for a little bit.

      I don’t have a lot of response so I know I cannot bring much to the discussion, but I try to read most of it when I can. Once the thread gets really long, I tend to scroll down to the end to read backwards; that helps me sometimes with what I have/have not read already.

    9. AcademiaNut*

      Time-zone wise, I come in on the most of the comments when they’re pretty full, so while I read the comments, I usually don’t add to them. From what I’ve noticed, the last few comments on the thread very rarely are commented on, and the number of comments ticker usually doesn’t increase by more than a few once I get to them. So I would say that most people have finished reading and commenting within about six hours of the post going up, for the daytime posts, but are maybe monitoring their own, or the OP’s replies.

      The work open thread is usually over 1000 posts by the time I see it with my morning coffee.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I usually go back to the open thread/weekend posts at least a couple of times. Or if there is one I commented a lot on, I’ll go back to see if anyone responded. The rest I just read through if I’m interested in most of the letters, if it’s a short-answer post, or if there aren’t too many comments. If they get super repetitive, I quit and move on to the next post.

    11. Chaordic One*

      I don’t usually get to AAM until late in the day. Often times when there’s a “I’m late but I hope someone reads this…” kind of comment and no one else has commented I will do so if I think I can offer a worthwhile response. I try to answer the question sensibly and I ask myself WWAD, because I think but everyone should get some consideration, but of course sometimes it really is too late and sometimes I just can’t think of even a good (not great) response.

  23. Sibley*

    Wish me luck! Leaving in just a few minutes to look at houses to buy, and I’m really tired of this process. Hoping I find one I like (and passes inspection)!

    4. Sibley*

      Update: found a house. Offer in, seller has until tomorrow 4pm to respond. Crossing fingers.

      Then crossing fingers that the house passes inspection, because I had another one (about 2 blocks away actually!) that didn’t.

      1. SophieChotek*

        Congrats on finding something. Hope it all works out. (My parents just got an offer on their house…and are hoping that their house passes inspection). So, by proxy, I understand the anticipation from either side.

    5. Jessesgirl72*

      Good Luck!

      My Sister-in-Law and her husband finally gave up and signed a new lease after a few months of losing money on inspections (and a couple REALLY shady sellers- one of which tried to keep the earnest money after something they’d deliberately tried to hide was discovered!)

  24. Lemon Zinger*

    I don’t usually make it to the free-for-all, but I’m working this morning (a special event on behalf of my boss) and had some time to kill. Happy weekend, everyone!

  25. Charlene*

    So after the gender-neutral question a few days ago (between that the bird post this has been a busy week…), I tried to look up a bit more on how such pronouns worked and what the rules (if any had been formalised) apply. That…lead to some interesting (in both good and bad ways) posts on tumblr, one of which stated:

    “You know, it pisses me off whenever I hear people saying “all words in the English language were made up, so why can’t we make new pronouns?” and “new words are made every day, why can’t people accept my bunself pronouns?”

    Let me nerd out for a hot second and teach you guys a little linguistics. There are two lexical categories. Words in the “open” classes are nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs. It’s called open because new words are constantly added. I can make up a word right now, and as long as it has a meaning and is in an open class, people will be able to use it.

    Then there’s the “closed” class. This includes prepositions, determiners, conjunctions, and yes, pronouns. Additions to the closed classes are very rare and difficult to grasp because they are part of the core of a language. You can’t just add things to a closed class because it just won’t work. It takes time to add or change things in closed classes, just look at how long it took for the singular “they” to become acceptable (and even then, it’s not entirely integrated into the English language yet).

    That’s why trying to add new pronouns simply does not work.”

    /

    (Just to emphasis, those are NOT my words, and they’re from a blog with the username ‘badsjw’, so take that as you will).

    Thoughts?

      2. Hrovitnir*

        Haha, strangely you sometimes get some great information from people with unbelievably weird user names. But then, I see Tumblr as being like Facebook – it only sucks if everyone you follow sucks.

      3. Detective Amy Santiago*

        My input: don’t go looking for intelligent discussion of this on Tumblr

        That’s my personal experience with Tumblr.

    2. Myrin*

      I think fposte had some really great thoughts in the comment section of that post which could almost be seen as a commentary on this comment you quoted here!

      That being said, I agree with Alison, although not 100%. I have a tumblr and read interesting, thoughtful, and intelligent discussions on various topics on there all the time; which is reasonable because thoughtful and intelligent people have tumblrs, too, and are often happy to discuss a topic they know a lot about. At the same time, I’ve come to find a lot of the discussion on there exhausting because it’s so aggressive and oftentimes doesn’t seem to allow for the grey areas that can be found pretty much everyhwere (for example when it comes to the development and use of pronouns).

      1. KR*

        I agree that there tends to be not enough space for the grey areas in life on Tumblr. Either someone is awesome or terrible. Some blogs tend to take things really personally too. If you say something that’s a different point of view you are a bad and awful person, blablabla. There also tends to be a lot of, “This thing happened and it’s terrible and you’re all bad people for not blogging about it!” for something that’s local to a specific area, or not well covered in the news, or just not something you might want to reblog on your own blog.

    3. Channel Z*

      Pronouns are certainly harder to change, but not impossible. Nobody says thee or thou anymore. And “you guys” is essentially a new pronoun for plural you, and is gender specific (and annoying IMO). I’m not southern, but I prefer y’all.

      1. fposte*

        Losing a use is always going to be easier than adding a new one. I think you’re right, though, that lots of English patterns are trying to recreate the plural second person.

        I was curious about non-English languages, especially languages with gendered nouns, and their approaches to non-binary pronouns; I didn’t get very far, because the discussions in English I kept finding seemed to be people who were trying to advocate terms rather than describing efforts already underway. Anybody know what other languages are doing?

        1. The RO-Cat*

          French and spanish seem to be looking for neutral pronouns, but have a long way still to go (look for Élle (pronombre) on Wikipedia and for “iel” on Wiktionary ). My own language didn’t even touch the issue. Slavic languages seem to be so complicated they didn’t even try.

          I found a good comment on this on duolingo (https://www[dot]duolingo[dot]com/comment/10255879 – to avoid moderation)

        2. AcademiaNut*

          In Mandarin Chinese, “he” and “she” (and their derivatives) use slightly different characters, but are pronounced identically (他 and 她, pronounced tā). The word for person (人, rén) can be used by itself, or modified for man or woman (男人 and 女人 respectively). And there are no genders within the language itself.

          Something like French, though, would have a really hard time, as you’d not only need neutral pronouns, but would also need to create a new set of neutral-gender adjectives (or default to masculine, which has it’s own issues).

      3. Freddled Gruntbugly*

        I’ve used “guys” as a plural pronoun for years now, as have many of my friends and acquaintance, and it’s been understood as gender neutral, even when used to a group of women only. Very useful.

    4. Temperance*

      Quite honestly, whenever I see the word “sjw”, I know that there is nothing of value to me in whatever the person is saying or will say. That being said, it takes no effort to call a person what they want to be called, even if you personally find their pronoun choice to be weird, silly, or made up.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Eh, I don’t think you can say it takes no effort to use unusual pronouns. I’ve never known anyone who requested them, but even trying to imagine training myself to use random syllables as pronouns — and only for that specific person! — makes my brain hurt. Not that I wouldn’t try, but I’ve never even totally adjusted to using “it” for a genderfluid book character that I’ve read about in over a dozen books (that’s the pronoun it chose for itself). I’m really glad to have the explanation of “open” vs. “closed” categories above to articulate why pronouns are so much harder than verbs and nouns.

        1. Temperance*

          That’s totally valid! What I was thinking was more along the lines of “being decent isn’t hard”, but you’re absolutely right. I know a person through work who uses gender neutral pronouns, and I always trip over it a big because I feel like I’m using bad grammar.

        2. Zathras*

          I remember reading somewhere about a person – possibly a commenter here? – who decided to use gender neutral pronouns for her cats. It gave her enough consistent verbal practice to get used to them and make them easier to use with people as needed, but it didn’t matter how many times she screwed up in the beginning because cats don’t actually care about pronouns. I thought that was brilliant.

        3. AcademiaNut*

          The other issue is the one of establishing a *single* new standard.

          I’ve seen this in tech. We have an oddball data file format we use in my field. It’s a bit clunky, but it’s well established, has been used for decades, and is well supported. If you get 20 programmer types in a room, they’ll all agree that it’s antiquated and clunky and needs to go, but will have 20 different ideas for what should replace it. So you end up with multiple attempts to replace it, used in little corners of the field, but 90% of people are just going to keep on using the old version.

          So even with the best of intentions, you’re going to get multiple competing replacements for the old system, plus a bunch of people who vehemently don’t want it applied to them, and it’s going to take decades, if not generations, to settle on a single convention and get people used to it.

    5. BBBizAnalyst*

      Tumblr, in my opinion, is at the extreme part of the sjw spectrum. On there, a ton of users identify everything as misogynistic, problematic, promoting patriarchy or some form of erasure… I would take tumblr with a grain of salt. Unless you love rolling your eyes, I don’t consider that site a good source to get educated on issues.

      1. Squeeble*

        I’m glad others feel this way! I’m very interested in social justice issues and activism (and don’t consider “SJW” an insult), but Tumblr always felt a bit too heavy for me.

    6. Hrovitnir*

      Much like Temperance, if you use the word “sjw” seriously I’m going to stop reading because you are clearly not here in good faith (though that person may mean that they ID with social justice but not like *those other people*. Not that much better.) Plus, of course, there’s the oft-cited fact that singular they has been around for a long time, and was used by Shakespeare; and in fact is used by most people commonly.

      There are specific sentence structures in which it’s awkward but I’m strangely rather more invested in not misgendering people than being a language prescriptivist. Pronouns like xe and ze are a great idea to me in theory but somehow I am far more comfortable with singular they because it’s a word I use anyway.

      Of course, I’m in Sweden at the moment. Han = he, hon = she, and there is now “hen”, which is ungendered. Niiice. I kind of love our teacher for teaching us about that (it’s not in the book), though she mentioned that if we use it we might be seen as feminists (oh no!). Haha.

    7. Dan*

      I am not a linguist, although I do computational linguistics at work. (Writing computer algorithms to analyze text in a domain-specific reporting system.)

      First things first, I think the quoted person is on to something, because methinks if it were so easy to add gender neutral pronouns to the English language, we would have done so a long time ago. I do find it interesting that we have gender-neutral pronouns for first person and second person, but third person singular is gendered.

      Some of the stuff I have to deal with at work is identifying words or terms that are domain-specific but not considered part of the typical English lexicon. It’s bad enough that I’ve identified over 1,000 acronyms that are specific to our industry, but even worse, some of those acronyms get bastardized into verbs and adjectives and what not.

      I guess my point to all of that is that while words can be added to the language, it’s actually quite difficult to determine what’s an actual word vs something that’s getting misused. If it’s misused often enough, does it then become a proper word? If so, who decides that?

      1. fposte*

        Whoever’s the authority in front of you :-). More specifically, dictionaries have staff and advisory boards who make calls on these things, while style guides will usually depend on a field authority like MLA, Chicago, APA, etc. with its own staff. And dictionaries mostly run toward the descriptive–they’re saying that people *do* use the word this way, though they might nod to a term’s being slang or dubious or whatever–while style guides are going to be more prescriptive–telling you how people *should* use the word.

        But there’s never going to be complete agreement on changes–it’s like anything else in culture. It’s mostly a question of figuring out your audience and deciding how you’re representing yourself, same as in dress.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          When I was growing up I could not use the word “kid” in my house. It was not a proper word. Of course, I used it more often because of this rule. I was that kind of kid. ;)

    8. Jillociraptor*

      I’m not following. To me, it sounds like it’s begging the question: pronouns are hard to change because they’re a closed class, and they’re a closed class because they’re hard to change?

      In full transparency, for me, these kinds of arguments about structures that exist independently of human choices and actions (even if unconscious) are typically pretty suspect. To my mind, the reason pronouns are so tricky to change (or new pronouns are so tricky to accept) is that the male/female binary is very central to our society. Classing someone as male or female is essential to determining our expectations for how they are supposed to act, and how we are supposed to act toward them. It’s very uncomfortable (like, existentially uncomfortable) to not be able to have that heuristic. Think of how uncomfortable some people get when they can’t tell the sex of a baby (and all those little velcro bows parents buy so people know their baby is a girl)!.

      It’s pretty suspicious to me when someone claims that “Oops, sorry, not my call, it’s SCIENCE!” to not be able to accommodate the needs of others or coexist with folks who are different from you. Lots of pretty icky historical examples of that…

      1. fposte*

        I see where you’re going, but I do think that there are pretty inarguably aspects of language that are harder to change than others; I think if the movement was uniformly for a generalized “their” it would have more traction than if it involved new words with unusual orthography. I’m not saying it can’t happen; the internet is, I think, unprecedented for linguistic dissemination, so who knows where it could take us? But I think it would be hard.

        1. Jillociraptor*

          I might not be fully understanding you (or the linguistics behind this — I took one sociolinguistics class in college, which is probably more dangerous than knowing nothing). Thanks for your patience if that’s the case.

          I buy the descriptive claim that structures in language create varying degrees of difficulty in innovations or change, but not the normative one, that therefore we shouldn’t or can’t advocate for those changes. I also disagree that the linguistic structure argument is the most useful for understanding why different gender pronouns haven’t caught on in English. In light of the persistent discrimination against people whose gender isn’t well-captured by a male/female binary, I’m inclined to think that it’s more useful to think of this as a social phenomenon rather than a linguistic one. And I think that the so-what of this debate sits firmly in the sociopolitical sphere rather than the linguistic one.

          So, maybe put another way, I don’t disagree that some aspects of language are harder to change than others, but I’m also not sure of what usefully follows from that argument to this discussion. Some aspects of language, including pronouns, are harder to change than others, so…everyone should just use pronouns that already exist? I’m just not sure about what the upshot is from the descriptive claim.

          1. fposte*

            I think you’re raising a fair point that the pronoun strand is not an obviously actionable line of discussion on it. But I’m accustomed to spheres where the linguistic and the social are inseparable and where also discussions like this influence official categories in things like subject headings (check out the Library of Congress history on “Afro-American,” for instance) and official style practice and guidance, so it’s not just an intellectual exercise for me, either.

            But it may be a discussion that’s best kept to spheres where that’s the matter on the table, too.

          2. Ann O.*

            I don’t think that’s the argument made in the quoted content. I do have some linguistics background, although I am not a linguist, so I’m going to take a stab at this.

            What I took out of the open/closed distinction is pointing to ease of change. Think of Lewis Carroll’s nonsense poems: ‘Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe. He completely made up brillig, slithy toves, gyre, gimble, and wave. He didn’t make up “‘Twas, and the, in the” The former are nouns, verbs, and adjectives– the open category. The latter are prepositions, conjunctions, articles — the closed category.

            Now imagine he wrote: “Brillig morning slithy toves fluffy cat did run slithy hop gyre gimble valley.” Oooh, that made my head hurt just to try and keep track of the grammar to compose accurately! I may have made mistakes.

            The closed category words give the grammatical structure to the sentence. We need them to be regular in order to understand the structure. Nouns, adjectives, and verbs are functionally variables. We get some understanding of them even when they’re gibberish.

            But you’re correct to feel that nothing is 100% closed. Harder doesn’t mean impossible. But it is harder. The early science-fiction books that played with gender pronouns were able to get their meaning across, but they just picked one substitution. It’s harder for our brains to swap to something like “xe ran and got xir warm coffee, then xe drank it quickly” (and even harder for something like “pz ran and got ie coffee, then pz drank it quickly”) but with consistency we can do it.

            When there’s no consistency, it’s really really hard to the point where I am skeptical that the extreme form of personal pronouns is unlikely to be widely adopted. I think it’s more likely we’ll standardize on the gender-neutral they/their and possibly one or two additional categories to reflect genderfluidity and non-binary.

        2. Myrin*

          I completely agree.

          I also think that, hm, how do I best say that? The issue is based very much in real life and actual people – there are people who don’t feel like they’re one gender or another or always the same gender, stuff like that. But I feel like the discussion around pronouns is very much usually theoretical (at least in my language; I feel like that might be a bit different in English although I have no way of knowing) and doesn’t really apply to reality. I don’t know if I’m expressing this weirdly.

          Point being, I have never once in my life actually needed to refer to someone by using an un-gendered pronoun.

          I think people on the internet or those who are very involved with gender politics often underestimate how in reality, people will take their cues from what someone looks like, full stop. If they can’t tell from someone’s face, they will move on to clothes or hairstyle. If they can’t tell from that, either, they’ll look more closely at their body’s shape or their voice or their name. And the thing is, they will be right most of the time. That’s certainly not perfect and has a chance of embarrassment or even erasure, but it is reality and I feel like people sometimes get so caught up in how it should be that they completely disregard how it actually is.

          Coming back to my point of never having needed to used an un-gendered pronoun: The above paragraph is the reason for that. That obviously doesn’t mean that I haven’t met non-binary or intersex people before but if I did, I don’t know it. As someone who is interested in gender dynamics, I am aware of that, but I’d guess that generally, most people are not. And I’d say that’s the reason why gender-neutral pronouns haven’t caught on (in my language itself, there’s also the added factor of being able to just refer to someone as “person” or “human” which are grammatically gendered words so you’ll again end up with female and male pronouns respectively) – they aren’t needed by huge parts of the population. If I can go all my life without using a gender-neutral pronoun, why should I learn to do so, after all?

          Which of course doesn’t mean that there aren’t many folks who’d much rather not be refered to by a male or female pronoun. But your average Joe is not going to be aware of that, and despite there probably being more nb or intersex or genderfluid people than we’d think, they are still much fewer in numbers than people who are either male or female, so average Joe can probably go about his life without ever learning about them. Which is a bit of a vicious circle: people don’t know about non-binary – actual non-binary people don’t come out for fear of being ridiculed or even hurt – people don’t know about non-binary because they don’t know anyone who belongs to that category. But I don’t think theoretical musings and progressive internet comments can really change all of that if it’s not incorporated in “real life” in a way.

          (I don’t have a solution, btw. We like concrete rules in my country and since it was ruled law a couple of years ago that people of unclear gender can now officially “have” a third gender, I’d like to think that people are generally becoming more aware of it. I feel like intensively learning about it in school might be a good way as well as certain language authorities making one official rule of how to refer to people, but I don’t know.)

      2. Overeducated*

        I do have linguistics background. The statement is correct but it’s just descriptive. Pronouns are called a closed class because they are harder to change. That isn’t a “should” statement saying therefore no one can try to change them. Linguistics describes how language works. Once you get into how it should work you’re talking politics (with a small p).

        It leads me to think efforts to make the singular “they” standard are likely to have more mainstream success than new pronouns. It doesn’t lead me to argue with people who want to be called something else or refuse to use their preferred pronoun, because it’s not my fight and I try not to be a jerk.

        1. Overeducated*

          Just saw your post above, I think we were typing at the same time. I was responding more to the question about whether the category was valid, not the argument the Tumblr post was making (I skimmed the last line and would prefer not to be associated with “badsjw”…..). On the argument I agree with you, which is why I think it’s a question of politics with a small p, not linguistics.

          1. Jillociraptor*

            Got it! I appreciate understanding more about how the linguistic argument is meant to function. Thanks for sharing your expertise!

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Language changes to suit the needs of the people that it serves.

        The idea that a group of words is a “closed class” is amusing to me. This lays the foundation for a challenge. And we all know what happens when there is a challenge, someone tears down that wall. I don’t think we need to wait for those elite decision makers to decide on something. However, I also tend to believe that everything moves in the direction with the people currently living life and going about life. Some stuff is slow and lags behind, but it does change.

    9. Tau*

      OK, I’m a NB person who used to use invented pronouns. I have very complicated and intense feelings about invented pronouns and this sort of thing, let me see if I can unpack them…

      So I have a teeny bit of linguistics background that I’m willing to stretch as far as it will go, and I’m familiar with the issue stated here. In fact, the first time I encountered invented pronouns, I went “…I don’t think those are going to become mainstream,” for much the reason stated here. I am skeptical that in twenty years’ time, everyone will be comfortably throwing around “xe” or “ey” as easily as they say “she” or “he”. I’d be delighted if it happened, but it’s true that the way linguistics works means it’s unlikely.

      And yet…

      Does that mean it’s not worth trying anyway?

      And…

      If you use this kind of theoretical argument about language change as a reason to justify why you won’t use invented pronouns* or people shouldn’t invent pronouns, you are being an ass.

      Yes, using invented pronouns may feel linguistically weird in a way that using an invented noun doesn’t. Y’know what? It feels weird to the nonbinary person in question, too! But they/we use them anyway because it’s the best of a bunch of bad options. Nobody gets out of bed in the morning and goes “hey, I think it’d be fun to ask to be addressed with a pronoun no one’s heard about before and which will get me a lot of sanctimonious lectures about how language change works.” But if being called ‘he’ feels like you’re being punched in the gut, and being called ‘she’ feels the same, and ‘they’ isn’t much better, and we’re not even going to consider ‘it’, well… there aren’t really any options left, are they? A lot of the times, what’s behind invented pronouns is a lot of desperation and pain, and having people who’ve never been in that situation ignore that in favour of these sorts of intellectual exercises makes me really angry.

      * unless you don’t use any pronouns for the person at all. For me, as for I suspect a bunch of NB people, this is actually the ideal state. However, it’s so hideously awkward to do that I’ve never found it fair to demand from people.

    10. YetAnotherAnon*

      Ask them about the word “thou”. In English, “you” used to be a second person formal pronoun (the “V” part of the T/V distinction), and “thou” was second person informal. Sometime around the 1600s, we lost “thou”. A similar change occurred in Danish, and changes in usage have been observed more recently in languages such as French and German. Pronouns are certainly not impossible to change – and even new nouns and verbs take time to become commonly used in a language. (See this article: http://www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2014/05/01/mean_girls_slang_fetch_10_years_later_why_it_didn_t_catch_on_according_to.html by a linguist.)

      1. Myrin*

        I’m German and I haven’t seen any change in usage of “du” and “Sie” – do you have a source for that? Because unless I’m misunderstanding, that binary is very firmly in place.

        1. Tau*

          I think what they may be referring to is a slow expansion of the use of “Du”, with adults using “Du” for each other more than they used to. I live in the UK and I’ve definitely noticed that when I come back I get called “Du” a lot more than I’d expect based on the rules I learned as a kid.

          But you’re right that “Sie” isn’t going away anytime soon, and a lot of the time I see this reported by non-German speakers they seem to think we’re on the brink of the single second person pronoun.

        2. Someone*

          It’s complicated.

          I’m also German, 25 years old, currently meeting a lot of strangers because I’m moving out of my tiny flat and am trying to find someone who’ll rent it after me.
          So… being 25 (still at university) I use “du” with fellow students/most people who look about my age but have been an adult for long enough to have come to expect “Sie” from kids and older adults (and it feels VERY strange when they don’t do that). But determining the right pronoun with strangers is a tap dance. When I’m not sure how old someone is, or when that one looks more… informal, or whatever, I prefer “du”. “Sie” just seems unnecessarily formal in that case. On the other hand, as soon as there’s a significant age gap (especially if that person is much older) I’d probably fight to death for my right to be referred to as “Sie”. It’s a respect thing.
          But I’m honestly not sure if I’ll ever get used to calling peers “Sie”.

          Regarding the (more) adult world – my father is in (upper?) management and some time ago confessed that he’s come to offering pretty much anyone at work the “du”. Reason being, he meets so many people nowadays he’s supposed to know that remembering whether they’re “du” or “Sie” gets far too complicated, and since a good number are already expecting the “du”, the simplest way of smoothing out that difference is to use it for everyone he knows.

          So it MIGHT actually be changing. But I wouldn’t bet on it. Most adults would probably still be somewhat offended if strangers/acquaintances called them “du”. I know I would.

          1. the gold digger*

            I work for a global company with headquarters in Germany. It’s funny to me, as an American, to see emails from some of the Germans signed as “Dr” whomever, even if the person does not have a PhD. The American PhDs I work with sometimes don’t even note so in their email template signatures and always write just their first names in their signatures.

            I call everyone at work by their first name, including my grandboss, who has a PhD. The only people I call “Doctor” are my doctor and my dentist and even with my dentist, who is my age, I have started calling him “Mark” (not randomly – that is his name). The only people I address as “Mr” or “Mrs” are the parents of my friends. I wonder if this bothers the Germans who sign themselves as “Dr” so and so. (And they aren’t even doctors!)

            1. Myrin*

              That must be something with those people in particular, though, because you definitely can’t just go around and call yourself “Dr.” willy-nilly here – it’s absolutely considered pretentious at best and fraudulent at worst. I wonder if there is some kind of disconnect? Because it’s not called “PhD” here, it’s “Dr. phil.”, so maybe that causes confusion? But other than that, even in my academic environment, where it’s normal to have your title in your automated signatures and on official documents and so on, it’s a bit out there to actually sign things you wrote using your titel unless it’s something very official (like a university’s president sending an announcement to all students, for example).

            2. Tau*

              Agreed with Myrin, it strikes me as very weird that you have people without doctorates calling themselves “Dr.” and that that wouldn’t generally fly here. Unless by “don’t have a PhD” you mean they have a Dr. rer. nat. or a Dr.-Ing. or the like.

              As for the rest of it… yeah, I’m used to the UK/US style of first names all the time as well, and it was deeply disconcerting when I was in hospital in Germany and all the staff called me “Frau Tausurname”. However, I think it’s important to remember that these are cultural differences where neither way is wrong. To Americans, the German way of staying more formal can come across as cold and unfriendly. To Germans, the American way can come across as superficial and fake, because you’re doing the things that (to them) signal deep friendship with what are effectively random strangers. It’s all about what’s typical in your culture and what things like a first-name basis connotates.

          2. Myrin*

            Ach so, okay, yeah, I totally get that – your experience in the first paragraph matches mine pretty much exactly.

            1. Tau*

              I sometimes wonder if it’s my/our generation that are driving the change, because we just don’t want to stop using Du with each other. :) I definitely know that the rule of thumb I was taught growing up was that apart from the obvious categories of kids, relatives and close friends, adults would call each other “Du” if they were both students, or if they were members of the same political party/similar organisation. Otherwise “Sie”. This has been distinctly inaccurate. By now it feels more like “if two people under the age of 35 or so meet in an informal situation, they’ll probably call each other du.”

              Although it could also be influence from the English-speaking world. I’ve definitely ended up on a Du basis with people where I normally wouldn’t have, but we’re in an English-speaking environment where first names are the norm, and you can’t really switch between first-name/surname basis when you switch languages, and it would be really weird to be calling each other by your first names and “Sie”… this is how I ended up on a Du basis with basically every single German I met in the UK.

        3. YetAnotherAnon*

          Sorry – what Tau mentioned was the intent behind that post; I only have anecdotal evidence at hand: I’ve been told that I’m being too formal and should use “du” when speaking/typing German (even with total strangers), I’ve noticed other German learners say that they’ve experienced the same, and I’ve read multiple articles on language blogs by native German speakers who say their preferences on pronouns have changed – usually to prefer “du”, even from significantly younger people. It’s possible that as a native English speaker, I’m missing some context for this, however.

    11. Mazzy*

      Don’t get me started:-). Many of the Tumblr types seem super condescending about these topics. They think everyone should know everything about new gender pronouns, while ignoring any shortcomings in the knowledge they have – and completely fail to acknowledge how new these things are. And why do I assume they aren’t as smart as they’d like to come across? Because in many of the videos and articles I’ve seen about these topics, there is no historical or social context, they either cherry pick minute points from history to fit their story and then base their whole thesis on it, or the social context is 2010-forward, all the while claiming that the issue they are talking about has been a normal part of society forever.

      So they can act like “gender queer” and other such words have been part of English vernacular for decades, meanwhile, the average joe on the street still has no clue what “cis” means. But that is not a measure of his or her intelligence. They probably know about a lot of things that you don’t!

      That letter got me thinking about what issues should be important in society. I remember the war on drugs and crime and a lot of exposes on cults and child abuse and battered women and such and I’m just not seeing many news stories on those types of issues coming out. Not to belittle transgender issues, but there are other things going on in the world that need media space as well. I think some of the folks on sites like Tumblr live in a privileged middle class bubble and aren’t talking about the other issues out there because they don’t deal with them.

  26. Audiophile*

    The apartment hunt continues. There are some co-ops on the market for less than 100k, including one in the town I grew up in. While I’m not in a position right now to buy, it’s nice to see I might not be completely priced out of the state.

    It’s very difficult to find something under $2000 as someone else said, even more so since I’m looking for something under $1500. Westchester’s affordable housing listing has been pretty useful, but since I need parking and really don’t want to switch lines by moving to the Hudson line (if I moved to the Rye, Harrison, Port Chester area) or New Haven (by moving to CT), it’s made it harder.

    A couple of coworkers who commute from Jersey have suggested moving out there. Apparently there are affordable apartments in Jersey City and Hoboken, but with all the Penn Station/Amtrak issues lately that concerns me.

    Gypsy Housing has been pretty interesting to watch, some nice apartments. If I didn’t have a car, I’d consider it. Had no real luck in the local FB group I’m in.

    1. Katriona*

      FWIW I work in Jersey City and while I don’t go into Manhattan often, my boss and her family commute via the PATH every day and have found it to be pretty reliable. Good luck with the apartment hunt!

      1. Audiophile*

        I know there’s a PATH station a few blocks from my office.

        I should really look into a few places in Long Island, since my office is in Chelsea, that would be the most sensible commute. But the Harlem line to Grand Central, especially if I was White Plains, would be 30 to 45 minutes. Because I’m so far north on the Harlem line, it takes over an hour.

      2. mreasy*

        One of my coworkers lives in Jersey City and reliably makes it into our Soho office every day. I think those of use who deal with the L/J linea from Brooklyn have more issues, on balance, than he does.

    2. Call me St. Vincent*

      I wouldn’t recommend living in New Haven if you are commuting to NYC. New Haven is a fantastic city on its own though with awesome food, concerts, theater, culture, museums, etc. It’s also definitely in your price range. However, the commute to NYC is just too long for an every day thing.

      1. Audiophile*

        I’d likely be better off on the Hudson line than the New Haven line. But I don’t want to move that far down in Westchester. I’d prefer to concentrate my efforts on the Scarsdale and the Hartsdale areas.

  27. Jojo K.*

    I think our landlady is trying to screw us over but I’m not sure what to do.

    We’re moving out after living here for a few years. She came by the other day to take photos for the rental ad and told me that our place reeks of dog smell, and she’s not sure she can rent it in this condition. Truly, I don’t smell it, and I’ve since asked family members who say they also don’t smell it either. If there is some smell it’s likely in our old sofa which of course will leave with us. The place has tile floors so a carpet isn’t the culprit.

    She’s saying it’s going to be necessary to repaint the whole apartment because of the dog smell, which I don’t get. I’ve heard of smoke smell settling into paint but never ambient pet smell (it’s not urine or feces). Has anyone else heard of this?

    My suspicion is that she wants to repaint – honestly, the place has needed a paint job since before we moved in – and she’s trying to pin it on our dogs so that she can use our deposit to do it. When we first started renting we gave her a large deposit because we have pets and it’s a competitive rental market, so we wouldn’t have gotten the place otherwise. I really don’t want to lose all that money for a problem I don’t think exists. Any advice?

    1. Apollo Warbucks*

      Sounds dodgy to me, and like she wants you to pay to repaint.

      Maybe try telling her the dogs haven’t caused any damage and the place has nothing more than a little ware and tear so you wouldn’t be paying for the painting.

    2. Temperance*

      Look into local LL/T laws. Some states/jurisdictions require LLs to repaint after a certain period of time.

      1. neverjaunty*

        Yes. “Normal wear and tear” is almost always not something you can take out of a security deposit.

        Check with your local tenants’ rights group.

        1. Florida*

          This is true. If the house needs new carpet because you’ve lived their 20 years, that’s not your fault. But if it needs new carpet because you dropped the hot iron on the floor, it is your fault.
          Unfortunately, in most states, your only relief is to hire an attorney.
          When I was a renter, I used to take photos of every inch of the empty apartment before I moved in so I would have before and after photos.

    3. Bonky*

      How open and frank are your family members? And are they also dog owners?

      When we moved into our house, which had been home to two very nice men and their two elderly dachshunds for about a decade, it was obvious that they didn’t perceive the doggy odour at all. To us, it smelled very, very strong; I do wonder if part of the reason we could smell it while they couldn’t (and maybe while your family members can’t) is that we are not dog owners. It really, really does sink into paint, and especially painted wallpaper; we had to strip a lot of it off and start again, and also bought a lot of Febreze and solid deodorising bricks.

      Getting the painted paper off walls made an enormous difference. Of course, it could well be that you’re right and your landlady is on the make, but it’s worth a second opinion from some non-dog-owning friends or family who you can trust to be honest!

      1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

        Seconding this. I know someone whose dogs smell RANK and the smell has permeated every fiber they traverse, including common areas that they don’t spend more than an hour in per day. They clearly don’t notice it at all.

    4. CAA*

      You have nose blindness to your own home, we all do. So you shouldn’t just disbelieve your landlord when she says your place smells funny to her. Here is an article about this phenomenon: http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/08/why-cant-you-smell-your-own-home.html

      Also, if you’ve lived there for several years, then it’s possible that a need for repainting would be classified as normal wear and tear and not be something she could take out of your deposit. It could be worth spending some time researching what is considered wear and tear vs damage in your state. You might also be able to get some free legal advice from a landlord/tenant law clinic if your city has one.

    5. Chriama*

      Quite frankly, I don’t think painting is an acceptable remedy for “dog smell”. Either something like steaming the carpets (which would probably be considered normal wear and tear) or replacing the carpets (which could potentially be considered damage). Do you have a government agency or department for housing? I’d try them first.

    6. ThatGirl*

      Every apartment I’ve ever moved out of has repainted and cleaned the carpet after. And I never had a dog. That just seems normal to me.

    7. Jessesgirl72*

      Check the rental laws in your state.

      In California, for instance, she would have to paint because you’ve lived there for years, but she wouldn’t be able to charge you for it, because it’s been years and is “normal wear and tear”

    8. Mazzy*

      Well it is true that people with animals can not notice some pretty nasty smells. I once was friends with a girl and went to her apartment and it smelt like a bathroom because the litter box, and there was hair on everything, but she didn’t notice and thing and would invite guys over and friends and just act like any 20-something would. She just was oblivious to it.

      But if you have tile floors, there shouldn’t be any permanent damage going on. Maybe you should crack the windows before next time she comes just in case?

      But yeah I don’t see why you’d have to pay for a painting. That is so par for the course when one rents, and wouldn’t fix any supposed pet damage (and really, if you thought a dog peed on the wall, why would you just want to paint over it!)

  28. Ruth (UK)*

    This is my half marathon update: It’s tomorrow and the weather situation is rather annoying.

    All week we’ve been having sun and clouds, around 11 or 12 deg. C (about 53 deg. F for you Americans). And we’re predicted that all next week too. It’s perfect for doing a long run – not too cold, but little risk of overheating.

    But tomorrow and tomorrow alone, we’re predicted sun and 22 degrees! (71.6 F).

    I am sure there is a weatherman up in the clouds trolling me.

    Aside from that, I’m feeling fairly prepared (I think).

    1. Apollo Warbucks*

      Good luck, I hope you finish well and enjoy youreself.

      Please come back and let us know how you got on.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Too hot for cords! I’ve been running in shorts recently. I wear cords for everything else though! I’ve got a white vest and written on the back “My 1st Race. What was I thinking?!” and some reflective hair scrunchies :D

    3. Hrovitnir*

      Nooooo, suuuuuun. (I hate heat – my partner enjoys running in the hot sun. Weirdo.) Good luck! ^_^

    4. Lady Julian*

      Oh, gosh. I actually would love to run in that. Much prefer sunshine to clouds & while 71 is a bit warm, it’s not terrible; wear a light top & you’ll be fine.

      Good luck!

      1. Hrovitnir*

        Man, definitely not trying to hassle you here, but I can tell you that 22 degrees is *extremely warm* to some people. I am uncomfortable just walking around at 22 degrees, never mind doing exercise. OTOH, I will happily work out in a singlet and shorts at 5 degrees (41 F), and recently got the joy of running at about -5 (23 F) and still overheated (though I did have clothing covering my whole body, albeit thinly). :P

        (Irrelevant, I just have feels about how very uncomfortable I find heat that other people find mildly warm.)

        1. Ruth (UK)*

          I actually cope very well with heat as a general rule. I’m very thin so I tend to cope better in heat than cold. If it had been warm a lot recently and I was a bit more adjusted to it, I’d be better, it’s just that it’s a bit of a sudden increase in temperature from what we’ve been having so is going to seem especially hot feeling.

          I took up running in January this year and have got used to training in cold temperatures and this is going to be the warmest I have run in yet! And as this is England, I consider 22 degrees to be beach weather…

          However, it’ll be good weather for my brother and his partner, who are going to come watch

          1. Hrovitnir*

            Yeah, a change from training is a biggy. Heat is definitely helpful for joints and muscles though, and at least you’re not an inveterate heat-hater like me. :D

        2. Cristina in England*

          Yes this, and also, it has been about 13 degrees in my city so one day of 22 is quite a shock to the system, and it will feel much hotter than it would if it were 22 every day.

          1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

            I find that 22/71 in the UK is a lot warmer than what it is in the US. Maybe I’ve acclimated or something but you hit 60F here and its time to take off the coat. Tomorrow I plan to be on my balcony in shorts enjoying the direct sun (as we were tonight) but with a hat, sunglasses, and sun protection. Its like it starts to get uncomfortable around that and once you hit 80F welp – god help you if you have to get on the Tube (even THAT was feeling hot already on Friday).

            Same in Sweden- 70 in August in Stockholm is HOT cause of the angle of the sun and how far north it is. Ruth – hope you have a bit of cooling breeze!

        3. Lady Julian*

          I don’t feel hassled. :)

          I actually like colder runs too (between 20-40F) but after a long winter, it’s such a treat to be able to run in the sunshine, in shorts, without a coat!

    5. Rookie Manager*

      Good luck! After all your updates I’ll be mentally cheering you on tomorrow.

  29. Sugar of lead*

    I’ve spent yesterday and today packing everything I own into the trunk of my car. I’m leaving, thought I don’t know where I’m going to end up. First I think I’ll visit my parents but after that who knows?
    Any tips for long road trips?

    1. Uncivil Engineer*

      If you have a lot of time, go slow and stop to see everything that looks remotely interesting. There is a lot I haven’t seen but I am the most annoyed at myself for the things that were RIGHT THERE and I didn’t stop because I was in such a hurry to get to the next thing.

      Also, pick up lots of snacks at the grocery store. In a lot of places, restaurants and stores close earlier than you’d think and you don’t want to be left hungry.

    2. Pixel*

      Pack a travel foam roller and a mini foot roller – your back and feet will thank you after a long day of driving!

    3. Franzia Spritzer*

      See ALL THE THINGS!! The backroads have a lot to offer, try to stay off the freeways and travel by smaller highways for a richer travel experience. Stop at as many scenic spots, and take the scenic byways and loops whenever possible.

      Are you camping or moteling?

    4. Casuan*

      When I have the choice between an interstate or a highway, unless I’m pressed for time I’ll almost always opt for the highway.

      I’ve always wanted to do all of Route 66 from Chicago to LA.
      Of course, every so often I’d need to blast various arrangements of “Route 66”; my favourite versions are from Nat King Cole & The Manhattan Transfer.

      Enjoy your adventures & be safe!!

    5. Chaordic One*

      Anytime you get to a larger city or town, stop and get gas, even if you still have half of a tank full because it is almost always cheaper in bigger cities and towns (probably because of competition). You can probably find gas in smaller, more isolated towns, but when you do it will be more expensive.

      I also recommend stopping to buy snacks and soft drinks at grocery stores or stores like a WalMart where they’re a little cheaper than at gas stations/truck stops/convenience stores. If you have some kind of plastic or foam cooler that you can carry ice and the food in, that would be good, too.

      Also, always lock your car and roll up the windows when you stop at a store or go to a restroom at a gas station or at a rest stop.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      My husband took a motorcycle ride from here in the East across to California and back.

      He said it got lonely and he was the type who was used to being on his own. He planned stops to see people along the way. He could camp in his tent so as not to impact their household very much.

      He separated his money, some in his wallet, sock/boot and vehicle. That way if he got robbed he would not lose everything.

      I have noticed with my own traveling that people notice the out of state plates and notice I am alone so they comment. “Everything going okay?” Sometimes I got people who would remind me not pick up hitchhikers. I just told them thanks.

      There was at one point a mail forwarding system so travelers could still get their mail. You’d have to plan out your trip so you would know where and when you would be arriving at one of these places.

    7. Gene*

      Audiobooks. Especially in the West, there are long stretches where the only radio is either country music, religious, or Mexican music. Since it sounds like this is a one way trip, my usual recommendation to hit the library won’t work, so look into used book stores.

      Eat at local coffee shops instead of chains. Stay at places like The Clown Motel in Tonopah, NV instead of Best Western. Stop and read all the historical markers; sure, you might only make a hundred miles some days, but you’ll have fun and learn stuff.

      1. Beancounter Eric*

        Re. radio….Switch over to AM once in a while….some interesting stuff there.

        If you don’t mind spending a few dollars, Sirius/XM.

        Second the comment above about separating cash into separate caches. Also, get off the interstate.

        Might be a bit late, but AAA membership might be useful….discounts you might use, road service which hopefully you won’t need.

        Good luck with your journey!!

    8. Mephyle*

      I did a road trip about five years ago and something that made it excellent and unforgettable was to complile a list of attractions along the route. I think I mostly used Tripadvisor.
      We crossed what is supposedly flyover country, but there were so many interesting museums, and historical sights and sites that we could have seen four or five more for every one that we did stop at. Moreover, everything that we did stop to see was extremely interesting – not a single regret.

  30. Keladry of Mindelan*

    Long time lurker, new poster- I’m really excited that I will be going to Athens, Greece in May! Work is sending me, but I’m taking a few extra days to see the city with my boyfriend and generally have fun being a tourist. Has anyone been recently and have suggestions about things to see? I’m definitely going to see the Parthenon and Acropolis museum, and I’d like to see the temple of Poseidon on the coast, but I’m not sure of the logistics yet. I have 4 full days to fill, and I’m having trouble deciding what I want to do.

    1. Combinatorialist*

      The temple of Poseidon is absolutely worth doing. My family was in Athens from a cruise and we hired a private tour guide to take us around the city, especially since we had limited time and my 80 year old limited mobility grandmother. This was maybe 300 euros for the four of us and was really cool to see so much of the city so quickly. Our guide also took us a few places that we would have never known about. I know that isn’t in the budget for everyone, but I would certainly consider it if it is possible for you.

    2. Cookie D'oh*

      The big tour groups go to the Acropolis in the morning. If possible, try going in the afternoon when it’s a lot less crowded. We were only in Athens for a day as part of a cruise so we didn’t see too much of the city. We did some shopping in the Plaka area and ate at great restaurant called Tzitzikas and Mermigas.

      1. Keladry of Mindelan*

        Thank you! I was last in Athens with my family when I was 12, and firmly in the “only pizza and chicken nuggets are acceptable foods” phase, so I’m really looking forward to eating great Greek food. Might even send photos of me eating Greek food to my mother as proof haha

      2. Lady Kelvin*

        See we found the opposite. We went first thing (like the minute it opened) and it was deserted. We hung out for a couple of hours checking everything out, and then it suddenly got really really busy. So I’d actually recommend hitting it first thing in the morning. And the Archaeological Museum is worth a visit. The area around the Greek Parliament has lots of restaurants. I would highly recommend Tzitzikas kai Mermigas in that area. Possibly the best meal we ate while in Greece. The bus system is pretty easy to use, and most people are super friendly and willing to help a lost traveler.

        1. Cookie D'oh*

          We were with one of those tour groups and all the companies seem to get there at the same time. Actually if you can get there first thing, the weather will be more pleasant. Also, there are a lot of cats around the area!

    3. gingerblue*

      Mount Lycabettus (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Lycabettus) is worth climbing up for the view! There are walking trails and I think a road up. It’s in the neighborhood of Kolonaki, which is rather boutiquey, if you want fun small restaurants and stores. The National Archaeological Museum is over more or less in that direction, too. If you’re looking for another day trip out of the city, some good choices might be Eleusis (Elefsina) and the island of Aegina (in the middle of the gulf between Athens and the Peloponnese). I vaguely remember Pireas (the old port area of Athens) being cool. If you want to go father, Delphi is stunning.

      Greece is awesome. Honestly, no matter where you wind up going, you’ll have an amazing time.

    5. NotoriousMCG*

      Mainly jut chiming in to love on your name. Kel was the first Tamora Pierce series I read and I’ve been hooked ever since.

      As for Greece, I was there in 2010 and I had a ton of fun at the Plaka. We also took a day cruise that went to three other islands and that was really, really fun

  31. WellRed*

    Book recommendation. A Window Opens. It’s chick lit. A middke age newspaper columnist goes to work at some sort of hip startup where, let’s say, isn’t the best fit. Also, the startup doesn’t seem quite able to find its focus and seems so ridiculous.

    2. Mephyle*

      Sounds great. I just have read a glowing review of it (by Lindsay Mead in HuffPost) after seeing your comment here, WellRed, and it doesn’t sound like chicklit to me. Perhaps it’s the kind of novel that’s mistaken for chicklit simply because it’s about a woman’s life.
      I am about to buy it, which I will do in a few seconds, once I have decided between an ebook and a paper copy – I found ones that are about the same price. Thanks for the recommendation!

      1. the gold digger*

        Based on the (wonderful) essays on this topic that (wonderful) Jennifer Weiner has written, it appears that if a woman writes about other women, it’s chicklit, but if a man does it (looking at you, Jonathan Frazen, whose one book I read was – not my favorite), it’s Literature.

    3. Frustrated Optimist*

      Read it (well, listened to the audiobook) and loved it. There’s a lot of crossover between scenes in the book and the career-related discussions on AAM.

  32. Pixel*

    Dreaming of a vegan Passover. I’m a capable cook and baker, have already made vegan chocolate truffles and will make vegan matzo balls tomorrow, as well as a metric ton of salads (carrot, chives and candied pecans, cherry tomatoes and basil, roasted beets with pomegranate molasses over greens.

    If you have any other brilliant vegan Passover ideas, I’d love to hear them. We can discuss freedom from enslavement later.

    2. Channel Z*

      No ideas, but funny story I attended a student Seder (I’m not Jewish), and whoever brought the tin of beans forgot to check the label: it had pork sausage in it! ha ha. Most ate it anyway.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Quinoa. Lots and lots of quinoa.

      I make a lot of veggie “pies” in potato crusts. Shred potatoes, pat into a pie pan, bake for about 10 minutes. Fill with sauteed greens or ratatouille or something. Bake for another 25 minutes or so.

      I feel for you. Our house is vegetarian and I don’t eat kitniyot during Passover, so it can get tough, but we eat eggs and cheese.

      1. HM*

        Chocolate matzah is vegan- we make it with brown sugar so it gets all toffee-like and caramel-y.

        1. Pixel*

          If it’s not vegan then it needs to be, or I will have to demand some serious adjustments to the kashrut requirements. I’m already having issues with the timing not jiving with being an accountant.

        2. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I make mine with butter, so definitely not vegan! I don’t know any Kosher for Passover alternatives for that.

          1. Ktelzbeth*

            I don’t know really anything about kosher or food for Passover, but I know coconut oil substitutes well for butter in many things. If you get the refined kind, it has very little coconut taste.

      2. Gala apple*

        Love the veggie pies idea; I’m totally borrowing that! I eat fish and eggs but no meat or dairy (or quinoa; makes me sick) and I’m so tempted to eat kitniyot this year. I guess I should decide before the holiday starts ;).

    4. Becca*

      My friend has a pinterest board of Passover ideas with a bunch of vegan recipes on there! It’s linked on my name.

      Chag sameach :)

      1. Pixel*

        Thanks and I will dive into that rabbit hole when I’m done my Saturday morning working!

      1. Becca*

        Yes! My mother-in-law carves a “shankbone” out of a beet… Always amusing to see a little chicken-leg-shaped beet carving. (My father-in-law can’t digest meat, so we end up having dairy seders.)

    6. Bluebell*

      I don’t have the recipe handy but last year I discovered an amazing recipe for broccoli and quinoa with avocado pesto. So very good. Little dishes of olives and pickles make for nice noshy additions to the Seder table. And spaghetti squash is a great midweek dish when you can’t face any more potatoes or quinoa. Happy Passover!

    7. Cruciatus*

      I follow Mayim Bialik on Facebook and while many of her posts are political and could potentially be bothersome, especially if you don’t agree with her, lately she has been posting about preparing for Passover. She even has a post on April 6 that starts “What do vegans eat for Passover?” Might be worth checking out. She even included some recipes.

    8. HannahS*

      Hmmmm. It’s tough if you don’t eat kitniyot. We’re making ratatouille over quinoa for the resident vegetarians at the seder. Vegetable soup, of course, with farfel or pesadic noodles. I’ve been eating a lot of rosti/latke-like things lately–literally just grated raw potato pressed into a greased 8-inch pan, sprinkled with salt and pepper, then flipped, then piled with herbs and parmesan (which could be omitted, obv.) I’ve just gotten into making desserts with agar. I’m making a mango-coconut layered jelly for chol hamoed that I’m really excited about.

        1. HannahS*

          It’s adapted from a video recipe, from the site Hot Thai Kitchen. In the South Asian section of my supermarket, I found cans of already-sweetened mango puree. So a can of that and a can of coconut milk, each boiled and mixed with the correct amount of agar, rather than the more involved process Pailin uses.

          https://hot-thai-kitchen.com/mango-coconut-jelly/

    9. Channel Z*

      I saw a video of someone using plain yogurt with a peach in the middle to make it look like a fried egg. I wonder if you could do something similar to make a fake boiled egg, with molded Tofutti spread, flavoured to your liking, and a yellow cherry tomato as the yolk. You would need agar-agar to set it probably.

    10. LizB*

      Any kind of kugel or fritters made from starchy veggies (potatoes, sweet potatos, zucchini, anything that will fritter) – you can use potato starch as a binder if need be. For the past few years I’ve made really good quinoa-spinach-sundried tomato fritters with lots of garlic and spices; I put goat cheese in them, but that isn’t 100% essential.

    12. 30ish*

      I recommend the Post Punk Kitchen passover episode to you (sorry for the double post, my other post went into moderation because I included a link).

    13. neverjaunty*

      If you don’t already have the cookbook Veganomicon, remedy that.

      Also, charoset is vegan!

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            Indeed they do! Traditional Ashkenazic recipe that I was raised on is apples, walnuts, Manischewitz, cinnamon, and honey.

    14. A. Non*

      We’re not vegan but I’m including a lot of vegan dishes this year for other purposes:

      baked sweet potatoes
      grilled zucchini “bruschetta” topped with diced heirloom tomatoes and avacado, no cheese
      fast pickled cucumber salad
      steamed green beans with almonds
      blanched zoodles tossed with olive oil and za’atar
      green soup — leek and anise, diced, sweated, add vegan broth, then blend until smooth

  33. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

    I am officially on vacation until 18 April. It’s brilliant. We are flying to Maui tomorrow and have agreed on a seriously slashed electronics break. I am putting my phone on DND (I’ve already muted my work group chat), plan to keep it on airplane mode most of the time except when using maps, leaving the laptop behind, and only bringing my Kindle Paperwhite.

    Words cannot express how desperately I need to disappear off the face of the earth for a while. Boss didn’t quite grasp that I was going to be incommunicado, but he’ll figure it out quick!

    We’ve been to Oahu often but this will be our first time on Maui. Already planning to go to the Big Island soon as my godparents live there.

    1. CAA*

      Ooh, Maui is awesome! We had the best time there last October. If you are up for restaurant recommendations, allow me to suggest Merrimans or Plantation House in Kapalua.

      If you are a Fleetwood Mac fan, then Fleetwood’s on Front Street in Lahaina is a must. Make a reservation for a rooftop table that will have you there at sunset. They have a very nice sunset ceremony and a gorgeous view.

    2. Cookie D'oh*

      Maui is so beautiful! Haleakala and the road to Hana are must see sights. Then there are all the amazing beaches. Have fun!

  34. Myrin*

    Alison, I was wondering if there’s ever been a time where a letter writer chimed in in the comments and painted a picture that was very different from their original letter (either because of how they presented themselves or because of what was described in the letter suddenly taking a new turn)? And if so, have you been in a situation where you’ve wanted to completely change your answer or even actually did so?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yes! There have been a couple where the letter writer gave different info in the comments that really changed things. I can’t find the one I’m thinking of, but I did find these:

      With this one, I was originally thinking the manager was being too uptight, but her update in the comments put it in a different context:
      https://www.askamanager.org/2015/07/my-employee-delivered-a-status-update-in-song.html#comment-814126

      And with this one, it turned out in the comments that the OP wasn’t really managing people:
      https://www.askamanager.org/2015/07/im-an-intern-managing-8-people.html
      The situation was still a problem, but not what it originally seemed.

    2. Crystal Lake*

      It would be nice if comments from the Letter Writers were in a different color or something so that they were easily seen.

  35. Anxa*

    Tax questions for academic types:
    My SO and I have tried signing up for our local VITA programs, but they are always full or go on while we’re at work. We absolutely cannot afford an accountant or the fancier tax software.

    I’ve always done my own taxes (free fillables) and he usually likes the free software. I don’t think he trusts himself of me to do his taxes, so he wants to keep using the software. This year there are a few new complications, and I won’t get into all of them, but does anyone know if:

    -you can easily use the free software if you moved that year and have taxes in more than two states due to a move
    -you can use the software if you have are paid through a postdoc. SO doesn’t get any W2s and his employer just sends a letter about the income. We think the best way to file it is as a taxable scholarship and put it under other income?

    1. Thursday Next*

      I’m a grad student paid on a fellowship, and I put it on line 7 (i.e. where you put W2 wages etc). If you google taxable scholarship/fellowship and find the IRS links they tell you to put it on that line and write SCH and the amount of your total line 7 income that is from the scholarship to the left of the box on the line. (So in my case I wrote SCH xx,xxx to the left of the fill in box, and put xx,xxx in the box on that line since all my non interest/dividend income was from that fellowship this year).

      1. Bye Academia*

        This is what I do too. Just FYI, there is no easy way to enter this if you’re using the Turbo Tax free software, but there is for H&R Block. I found the H&R Block easiest to use as a grad student, and if I’m remembering correctly, the federal and first state return is free if you’re under a certain income. I think you’ll have to pay to file the second state, at least with Turbo Tax or H&R Block. Not sure about other software.

        1. Anxa*

          Thank you so much for that tip about the two different softwares!

          We’re on the fence between considering for line 21 or 7. I’m leaning toward 7, but the form is laid out so that there’s actually room to put write explanations on line 21. Why would they not put that same little boxy thingy on the dotted line for line 7.

          We’re also now at a loss because he they pay his health insurance. He hasn’t had employer based health insurance (and even now it’s not really EMPLOYER based, since he’s not really an EMPLOYEE) since 2008 and I’ve never had it. He had student insurance, but that was a different beast.

          Ugh on the having to pay for a second state, but I guess I can see the point.

          1. Anxa*

            Oh, the weird thing for us about line 7 is that he has a W2 from his school, which reports income he received as a grad student and as a temp employee post graduation.

            He started his new post doc in the same year. So if he puts “SCH” on line 7 and lumps it all together, it’s hard to show which is what. And may make it look like the whole thing is a SCH.

            Academics get hosed for taxes. There may be a few perks, but it’s so unclear on what you’re supposed to do. Also, it’s garbage that you’re not allowed to open an IRA on fellowship money since it’s not an ‘earned wage.’ Sure, let’s not give any tax incentives for those students who want to try to start saving for retirement. I know a lot of people can’t afford to even try, but at the postdoc level it can be possible.

            1. Overeducated*

              So true and so frustrating! Supposedly it’s because being a student and postdoc is supposed to be temporary, but at the PhD level it’s often “temporary” well into your 30s, at which point a few years of retirement savings really add up. I can’t wait until the day we can not only pay into IRAs, but even access 401ks through work. Someday….

              Right now I’m in a postdoc-like fellowship outside of academia, and am being issued 1099s so I have to figure out self employment taxes…that’s going that be a huge headache this week. We’re going to pay Turbotax, can’t afford a real accountant.

              Fellowships that don’t issue a W2 or 10o9 often don’t require paying FICA though, which offsets the financial hit a little. We have never filed fellowship income as taxable scholarship, FWIW, I think that might require another form that’s T – something. Just misc income with a description.

              1. Anxa*

                So, most universities seem to have two types of postdocs, the associate and the fellow. And I understand the distinction. He’s definitely a fellow. He is not paid to work, but paid to be there and he has to work if he doesn’t want to light his career on fire.

                But this institution is not quite a school, it’s government (with a .edu website!). You’d think that they’d be more clear than the average university? No. No straight answers anywhere. We looked up state schools, private schools, and we figure if it’s good enough for “insert famous school” it’s good enough for “insert famous government institute”

                I firmly believe that if you don’t get to count your income as earned for EIC or IRAs, you shouldn’t have* to pay FICA on it. So that’s also pushing me not to have him claim them. He get’s no W2 or no 1099.

                *then again, I also think that paying into SS is bit of a privilege, too. I don’t have any delusions of it being flush with cash if I retire, but my highest paying jobs weren’t FICA jobs, and so the jobs I paid into with are super low paying and won’t look good. And there’s always disability to consider.

            2. Bye Academia*

              Yeah, it can be frustrating, but at least you don’t have to pay FICA with a student fellowship. I couldn’t afford to save much on my stipend, but I did build up a little more emergency money than I would have been able to if FICA got taken out.

              My school paid half our fellowships through W2s as TAs, and half as stipend checks direct deposited in our bank accounts. There was no tax record of those at all (no 1099, no W2, nothing) and some of my classmates didn’t report it. I never had a problem entering the wages from my W2 normally and reporting the additional amount as SCH. I just added everything up into one lump sum. I also never did anything about the health insurance because it never occurred to me until you said it just now – hopefully that’s not an issue. My school just paid the insurance company directly so it didn’t feel like income that went through me. Whoops.

              But I don’t know how any of this changes with his status as a postdoc. My fellowship money and health insurance was all specifically student based.

              I just graduated this past year, so this is my last year I have to deal with all of this. I can’t wait until next year when ALL of my wages come on a W2 and everything is withheld appropriately.

              1. Anxa*

                As an American I really hope that it’s not an issue ever.

                I feel like as a student it shouldn’t count as income, because insurance is a requirement of attendance and it’s cost is being waived more so than being paid as a benefit. And it’s unearned.

                His situation is a bit more murky. We don’t know what his gross pay per paycheck would be and what it ends up being, but I think it comes out of his ‘paycheck?’ There are no pay advices/stubs. Just a ‘dump of money in the bank account.’ Also, on a W2 I think it’s supposed to be listed as income or something (I have never had it at work so I’m not really sure how that works). The way his health insurance was offered to him was that since he wasn’t eligible for worker’s comp and he’s “gonna get injured” (inherent risks of the job even under best safety precautions).

          2. Reba*

            I think line 7… does this help? https://www.irs.gov/publications/p970/ch01.html#en_US_2016_publink1000178011

            IME with Turbotax, it was possible to get my fellowship in there correctly, but it was definitely a bit roundabout and hidden in the education questionnaire.

            I don’t think the health insurance part makes a difference (BIG QUESTION MARK) — I also get health insurance through my university (technically I guess they “waive” the premium for me) and have not involved that in my taxes, except to report that I have been insured wrt Affordable Care Act stuff.

            Good luck!

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I volunteer for VITA. My husband got a stipend for grad school but I believe he got a 1099 and we claimed it as income. It’s long enough ago I don’t recall and that may have been his year to do taxes. You could call the people who issued the check to see how it is supposed to be accounted for on taxes or ask other postdocs to see what they do. It’s not professional tax advice, but it’s a start. And there is a spot to declare income for which you did not receive a 1099. VITA has an income limit of 45k and other things can put you out of scope. A quick read of our resource guide tells me that wanting to deduct moving expenses will put you out of scope for VITA. (IRS document 4012, page 9, if you want to check and see if other pieces of your situation puts you out of scope)

      I’m pretty sure MyFreeTaxes.org is just the federal return. Other tax services offer a free federal return but you have to pay extra for each state return. And it may be safe to assume if you’re out of scope for VITA that you’ll be out of scope for the online forms as well. But check to be sure. You can also check the tax website for each state. They may have a free filing option or at least have forms available. With most states, once you have determined your federal taxable income you’re most of the way done with the state return as well. AARP also provides a free tax service that is open to all–I think, their site (aarp.org/money/taxes/aarp_taxaide/) says only 50+ but our local branch serves anyone, and has a higher income limit and possibly more situations within their scope. They might have better hours and be able to help you. I also recall my local public library used to have someone available to answer tax questions. Tax Slayer or H&R Block are probably your cheapest bets for software or paid online and I believe each come with one free state return.

      Don’t worry that you’ve left it too late to get an appointment. Our location often still has many openings one week in advance. Those spots usually fill up, but oddly enough we had many openings this last week and may not be completely booked for next week either. You can also file for an extension but you’ll have to estimate your income and pay any tax owed by April 18th or you will owe a penalty and interest.

      1. Anxa*

        Thanks! VITA seems great (thanks for volunteering), but it does seem like the kind of thing where they can cover the basics, which I’m sure is helpful to a huge group of people, but if you’re lower income and have specific questions or needs you may just have to cross your fingers and do it on your own. Kind of like how a lot of people don’t need a health insurance navigator, but a lawyer or underwriter to navigate the marketplace, but 90% of people learn a lot from it.

        His ’employer’ wrote a note to him listing his gross pay, federal tax withheld (none), and health insurance deduction. They were kind of, I dunno, evasive? I’m under the impression there’s a few postdocs that don’t claim the income.

        We are planning to try a few more times. Mine are simpler, so I’ll just go ahead of file.

        Now we’re trying to figure out how to handle this nebulous health insurance component. Ugh.

    3. WLP*

      I have used turbotax for both situations. It’s relatively easy to enter stuff for multiple states there – just add more W2s as needed. I had an NIH fellowship as a postdoc and I didn’t get a W2. I reported that income as miscellaneous income (in turbotax you can enter this under wages and income –> less common income –> miscellaneous income –> other income not already reported on a W2). When I couldn’t afford to do anything else, I looked at both states’ tax forms and used the free turbotax option for the more complicated one and just did the simpler one the best I could based on my federal and the other state return. I was glad I got the fellowship, but not being a proper employee and having to figure out all of the tax stuff was stressful!

      1. Anxa*

        Hey, the NIH stuff looks super complicated! I guess the NIH has no official position for tax advice and it’s handled by the host institution? Seems intense. I went down the rabbit hole last night and I ended up pretty fascinated by the history of some of the changes that went on in the mid 90s. I think I need to get out more.

    4. Melody Pond*

      Slightly off-topic to what you actually asked, but…

      I’m really surprised that your SO doesn’t receive any sort of a standard tax form for the income he receives. Are you absolutely certain about this? He doesn’t receive a 1099 in some hard-to-reach place that he just isn’t aware he has access to?

      The IRS is pretty strict about reporting taxable income – and not just on the people who receive it, but the people who give it. The IRS requires employers to report income they paid to employees (W-2s) and any sort of contractor or miscellaneous income (1099). That’s how the IRS is capable of knowing when someone doesn’t report income – if they receive a copy of a 1099 paid by a business, but they don’t receive a report of that income from the person who received that 1099, the IRS sends that person a “matching” notice, basically saying, “Oy! You didn’t report this income.”

      And I would expect that a university would be a large enough institution that it would know that it’s subject to these requirements.

      1. Melody Pond*

        I should add that I’m not terribly familiar with unearned income from universities, so there may be some major piece of this that I’m missing.

        1. Reba*

          Yeah, fellowships are just something else! In many cases the school reports a 1098T form for scholarships, but if certain amounts exceed certain other amounts of this and that, etc., they aren’t required to, and students/researchers just hafta figure it out without forms.

      2. Overeducated*

        I think fellowships can be a weird gray area that fall outside these categories. My graduate university not only didn’t issue forms for fellowships, they refused to offer any kind of guidance beyond “your income may be taxable, we cannot offer tax advice. (Not an accountant by any means, just someone who’s spent much of the past 7 years trying to figure this out as a taxpayer….)

      3. Thursday Next*

        haha, nope. I’ve have NIH and NSF fellowships and the only thing I hear from my university, the NIH or the NSF is what Overeducated said: “your income may be taxable, we cannot offer tax advice” I haven’t had any official documentation of my income since 2013. I save all my tax returns and the images of my quarterly tax payment checks.

      4. TL -*

        Postdocs especially are this wonderful grey area of employment. Some places are working really hard to change this but a lot of universities don’t even track how many postdocs are working on their campus.

      5. Anxa*

        He has asked several times. Received absolutely no mail. Nothing in the portal. His PIs have been written something up, but there is no higher authority to get the info. He got a letter–not a form– just stating his 1)gross pay 2) taxes withheld (none) and 3) health insurance (ugh, what does this MEAN?)

        Also, he’s not actually at a university. It’s an educational institution, but also part of the government. Yeah, so you’d THINK they’d be on this, but no.

  36. (Not So) Codependent*

    Weird first-world problem: How do you gracefully handle a comparison that is intended to be a compliment but that you don’t find flattering? I went out dancing last night and met a guy. We exchanged contact info and this morning he messaged me: “I figured out who you look like – [Famous Actress]! I like it.” I think Famous Actress is not attractive at all and I’m stumbling a bit over how to accept the compliment in the spirit in which it was intended.

    1. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

      You may not find her physically attractive, but this man finds something compelling and attractive about her that reminds him of you. Maybe a personality trait or simple quirk or a habit you’ve shown. He doesn’t know that you find the actress unattractive and may not think others don’t like her the way he does. Look at it for the compliment it is.

      1. (Not So) Codependent*

        I guess the word I was looking for was not “accept” the compliment but “respond to.” I’m terrible with compliments anyway (but working on it!).

        1. Thlayli*

          The best response to any well meaning compliment is “thank you” and leave it at that. You may not agree but he meant well.

        2. Reba*

          I think mostly you just say, “thanks!” But in this case it seems like an opening to say, “What do you like about her?”

        3. Alucius*

          I agree with the simple “thank you ” if you want to text something back. If you wind up seeing him again and developing more of a connection over time, that’s when you raise the issue, if it winds up being one

    2. Liane*

      I feel your pain. I had a regular customer at service desk who always asked me, “You look so much like Susan Boyle! Just like! Do you sing like her? Has anyone every told you how much like her you look?” Every. Single. Transaction.
      I was good, I limited myself to “Thank you, no.” But I was SO tempted to say, “Thanks–yes I have been told before–by just you.”
      (For the record, I don’t sing like Susan Boyle. I have a choral quality alto voice, although I do have a pretty wide range.)

  37. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

    My 7 year old son was hyped up on sugar from his birthday celebrations this week when he stumbled in to my room around 10pm. He was upset and in tears, asking about Heaven and what happens when you are done with Heaven, like when you are done on earth. While I have attended Christian churches before, I grew up in Eastern religions and consider myself fairly agnostic at this point. I hate that he is stressing about death even though I know he is at the age where these questions come up.

    We talked about souls and dreams and wishes, what a “perfect” place would be and how that is Heaven. That the people he loves and who love him that have died are in Heaven and he will see them there. He got upset at the thought of not being with me, so I mentioned famous people who are dead that he could go meet and talk to (George Washington and Abraham Lincoln ftw!). That he would get to meet lots of people and before he knew it, his dad and I would be there. He kept asking what happens after Heaven, but as much as I would like to introduce the concept of souls and reincarnation, I think that will wait. I hope to teach him what different people believe and let him decide what calls to him. His faith is HIS, not what I require him to believe.

    For those who have been in this position, any tips? Suggestions?

    1. Temperance*

      I’m not a parent, but I am an ex-evangelical. Do you know his little school friends? Are any of them evangelicals? I would maybe ask him why he’s asking these questions (gently), to figure out if any of them are telling him scary stuff that no child needs to hear.

      1. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

        I don’t know about evangelical, but church is a large part of the community here for many people even though we are quite diverse. I help in his class once a week and certainly hear kids repeating Sunday School messages. (Like proper parrots, if I’m unkind and cynical.)

        I had actually included a few sentences about that in my OP that I erased before submitting. :/

        1. Temperance*

          :(

          I don’t think it makes you unkind or cynical to point this out. I still absolutely cringe at the things I parroted at that age, including that everyone who wasn’t at my church was damned to hell, Catholics are damned to hell, etc. (I’m atheist now, FWIW, but I still have a little bit of fear when people talk about the Rapture.)

          If you are open to it, maybe UU Sunday School would be a good option? From my understanding, they teach kids about world religions rather than the whole fire and brimstone thing.

      2. Channel Z*

        The news is much scarier, hearing about death in unavoidable. I generally go for the some people believe in Heaven, but not everybody approach, and add that nobody really knows for sure. My goal is that they don’t conclude that someone else’s beliefs are wrong.

        1. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

          Yes! This very much. I’m trying to teach him that everyone has different beliefs and they are all valid.

        2. Temperance*

          I’m going to gently disagree with you on this. I was raised evangelical, and that was far more terrifying than the news. Being told that everyone you know and love but who doesn’t go to your church and isn’t Born Again will be going to hell is terrifying. Being told in detail about Heaven and Hell, when you’re still little and into magical thinking is terrible.

          1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

            A friend raised in the same way described his experience and I agree, that sounded so much worse than how I experienced it which was actually attending funerals as a child of nominal Buddhists and being told that this is part of the cycle of life and you go where you believe you go. Deaths made me sad for the loss but I can’t remember ever being distressed over where their soul would go.

          2. Channel Z*

            Yes, you’re right, bring guilt tripped to avoid eternal damnation is scary. I still keep the same approach, some people believe in Hell, but I add my opinion saying that I don’t believe in Hell, and you don’t have to either. That has satisfied them and they aren’t troubled, so far

    2. fposte*

      Sometimes animals are an easier entry to this discussion. Cynthia Rylant’s Cat Heaven and Dog Heaven books are lovely (though maybe less available outside the U.S.) if you want to go that way.

      1. Kj*

        I can recommend the 10th Good Thing About Barney. It is a book about a boy whose cat dies. His mom asks him to think of 10 good things about Barney to say at the cat funeral and the boy comes up with 9. He gets into an argument about if his cat is in Heaven with a friend, but the boy decides the 10th good thing about Barney is that he is in the ground making the flowers grow. It is very sweet and opens up a discussion where everyone can have different beliefs about where a person/cat goes after death, but they are all ok.

    3. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      My parents took an interesting approach to this: they sent us to various religious places of worship to learn about them. That gave us a sense of respect for believers in religions even if we were not of their faith and an understanding that there are MANY religions out there. We also learned that faith covers those who believe in it, you’re not obligated to join up if you don’t believe, and you don’t have to be taken hostage by evangelicals (which I was as a kid).

      Life and death were normal, they said, and by age 9, I’d already seen two grandparents and a cousin buried, so it didn’t worry me too much. I just assumed it’d be fine.

  38. Amanda for Today*

    None of my friends have the same tastes in music as me at all, so I don’t know who to share my music with! They all just like avant garde jazz hahaha.

    What do you think??? (Link in my name.)

    1. Hrovitnir*

      Surely they’d appreciate it if it’s you! (I’m assuming it’s you?) And I love that, btw. I really need to sort getting my piano in my house so I can play again!

      1. Hrovitnir*

        To elaborate, I am impressed by your creativity. I gave up on adding my own flair pretty early.

      2. Amanda for Today*

        Thank you!

        No, I posted it on my facebook, and my friends aren’t really my audience. I don’t know who my audience is, but I’d like to find them!

  39. printrovert*

    I’m toying with the idea of investing in a waffle maker after coming across a waffle cookbook. I’ve seen a lot of recipes on how to make savory waffles as well as non-waffles (waffling veggies, pasta, etc.). I’m not a fan of Teflon, so I would want one that is ceramic or some other non-toxic lining. Looking for feedback from those of you who have waffle makers as to whether or not you find them to be a good investment and/or if you have any particular recommendations or advice.

    Thanks. :)

    1. Pixel*

      I have the Cuisinart Griddler with three different plates (panini press, plain and waffle) and boy have I got my investment back on this one. It’s amazing, works perfectly after 5+ years of daily use in my kitchen, and the additional cost of the waffle plates ($30 Canadian) is negligible compared to the use I’m getting from the machine as a whole. The plates are Teflon as far as I know, but they’re great quality and I never had issues with chips or peeling. We make panini, quesadillas, pancakes on the griddle and waffles whenever we are feeling fancy. So my answer would be a big Yes.

      1. Jillociraptor*

        I have a Griddler too and it is ON POINT. 10/10 would buy again. We’ve even made chicken breasts on it like a George Foreman grill.

    2. Tau*

      I bought a waffle maker, and I’m not 100% sure it was a good investment but I’m still happy I have one? I actually used it more than I thought I would – waffles are very easy to make and I had impromptu waffles more than a few times. And one big waffle afternoon where I made a bunch of German-style waffle toppings and invited a bunch of people and a good time was had by all. That said, it remains a kitchen item that has only one purpose and I don’t have waffles THAT often. If I liked waffles a little less, and if it didn’t have the cultural meaning for me (British waffles are weird :| so I have to make my own), it might not have been worth it.

      [/so helpful]

      I did end up with a Teflon one, but haven’t really had any problems.

      1. printrovert*

        Interesting! I just read an article on Norwegian eating habits and learned that it’s common to have waffles as an afternoon snack (like tea time!). I didn’t know it was a practice in Germany as well. I rarely eat waffles, but I love experimenting in the kitchen and it’s been a while since I’ve bought anything kitchen-related (expect food, which I tend to microwave due to my work hours). I’ll have to explore UK customs on waffles–that interests me as well.

        1. Tau*

          I’m not sure the UK has special waffle customs so much that they don’t have the German waffle customs. ;) To me, waffles are definitely an afternoon meal. They’re in the same sort of category as cake (although I guess cake as an afternoon meal is also not as much of a US/UK thing). It weirded me out when I came here and waffles were a breakfast meal. Sometimes with bacon, which I had never dreamed of putting on waffles before – see also, cake.

    3. Franzia Spritzer*

      I got mine at a thrift store, it works like a champ and was a low enough entry price point to get me going. I make all kinds of stuff with it, it’s honestly really versatile, and has reversible plates that are flat on the other side. If I want a nicer one some day, I’ll get one.

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        That is how my husband and I do things, if we think we’re not sure how into it we’ll be- we pick up the whatever (so far: smoker, food dehydrator, meat slicer, fryer, bread machine) at a thrift store or garage sale. If we find that we like it- yes to smoking and frying, and yes to the bread machine until we discovered no-knead bread, not to the rest- we then will upgrade to a nicer version.

        Personally, I find waffle makers more fuss and clean up than the waffles are worth. But I can take or leave waffles.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      My family used to make waffles every Sunday morning. We had one of those old square waffle makers, the ones that make four square waffles at once. I want one of those SO BAD. I had a Belgian waffle maker, but I can’t do anything with the giant round waffle that breaks into triangles. Squares are so much neater. I want one really badly so I can make waffles and freeze them and put them in the toaster oven/toaster. So my tip would be to get a square one, but that could just be preference.

      1. printrovert*

        You know, I don’t think I have ever had a square waffle. I grew up in the Deep South, so when I think of waffles, I generally think of times when I have visited the Waffle House (which makes round ones) or another diner-type eatery. I wonder if square ones are more common or seen more often in other areas of the US than where I grew up.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I haven’t seen a square waffle in a restaurant for years either. I think the Belgian ones just got more popular, but they do have the square irons on Amazon.

    5. KarenT*

      I have the cuisinart standing waffle iron. I love it. Had a waffle this morning! The only drawback is the plates aren’t removable so it’s a giant pain to clean.

    6. printrovert*

      So Elizabeth Wests ( above^ ) mentioning square waffles sort of has me curious about the history of waffles. I’m going to research to see if I can’t find an answer as to why round more than square (does anyone else feel round is more common?), but while I am doing that, I’ll post a link below to a quick timeline I found. Yay food history!

      I’m thinking of getting the Oster Eco DuraCeramic. It looks pretty easy to clean, and there are temperature controls, so I can try out crispy or fluffy.

        1. printrovert*

          So the square or rectangle is the shape of the traditional Brussels and Leige waffles (I’m sure most people know that), but Dutch waffles are traditionally round (makes since, since the word itself is derived from the Middle Dutch word for wafel). There were apparently both round and rectangular irons to make wafers in the 15th century, and France and Belgian wafer makers also introduced the grid marks during this time (though why, I can’t seem to find out–possibly as nonsecular wafers since communion ones would have religious imprints).
          The Dutch version of the waffle was carried over with the Pilgrims, who resided in the Netherlands for a time after leaving England. I think that’s perhaps the best explanation for why waffles are more commonly round than square here.

  40. 42*

    Hi everyone. In the next few weeks I’ll be buying a car, but for the first time I’ll be buying used. I’ve always bought new in the past.

    I’ve been reading up online for tips and there’s so much out there, some contradictory. So I’d like to ask all of you who have purchased a preowned car for your one or two top tips. I’ve already decided pretty much on the make of car, so I don’t mean that kind of advice,but rather the things to look for/things to avoid/little secrets not everyone knows/things you wish you knew beforehand.

    I’ll be out for much of the day do I won’t be able to immediately respond. But if you have one or two pieces of advice, having gone through the process, I’d appreciate hearing it.

    Thank you!

    1. nep*

      Have a trusted mechanic give it a thorough check. (If owner is not OK with that, that would be a good reason to walk away.)
      Don’t depend on Carfax (does anyone still use this?); I know from first-hand experience these don’t always give complete history.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I’ve always heard that when you have a mechanic check it, they should do a compression check on the engine to make sure that the engine doesn’t have a blown cylinder head or a blown head gasket.

        (To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it is supposed to be very expensive to fix, especially the cylinder head.).

      2. NotoriousMCG*

        Wait, what? Carfax is used widely and by all dealerships. Obviously it’s not the only thing to base your decision on and seeing it should come at no cost to the buyer (only the seller) but I have always found them to be complete. My husband and I just privately sold his car and bought a used car from a dealer and everyone was asking about the carfax

    2. fposte*

      I never learned any little secrets. Buy a reliable make, and absolutely have a mechanic check it out first. I don’t think there’s anything I wish I’d known–it worked out just fine.

    3. Notthemomma*

      Put your nose right down to the carpet in trunk and driver/passenger floor. Resale cars are thoroughly cleaned, but if it smells like pet, smoke, or musty (from flood damage) that will usually still come through. And do a search on the VIN for accidents and owners- too many owners or resellers can be a bad sign.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My husband was a former insurance adjuster.
      He always looked at the lines of the car. Check from all four sides, does everything line up?

      Typically he would find that little decorative line under the key lock would not line up between a front door and a back door. Or the doors themselves were just a tiny, tiny bit off from each other. Car doors are usually aligned perfectly. This COULD mean a door had been repaired/replaced because the car had been center punched.
      The hood and the trunk are other good telltale spots to check for alignment.

      People have accidents, cars get repaired, it’s a fact. However, here the point is to avoid a BAD repair job and avoid a sales person who tells you, “no, it’s never been in an accident”.

    5. 42*

      Thank you everyone who replied.

      Re: Carfax – a lot of websites will still point to it. I’ve looked but also checking reviews of Carfax too. I’ll at least check it out.

      Re: Checking lines and alignment – thank you. I wouldn’t have thought to do that before.

      Re: Sniff test – good point, another I wouldn’t have thought of.

      Re: Having a mechanic check – I have had that good advice pounded into my head , but how does that work? They let you take the car off the lot for however long it might take? (I’m going to purchase from a dealership rather than private seller.)

      Since I’m going to a dealership, is there any credence to the advice to go at the end of the month (reason being the might be more willing to drop the price if they haven’t met monthly sales quotas)? Any negotiation tips that you been successful with? For some reason I get intimidated by car sales people, and I don’t easily get intimidated. It probably revolves around my lack of general car knowledge, big sigh. So def not looking forward to this endeavor.

      1. Gene*

        Tell them the purchase is contingent on your mechanic approving it. Then ask if they want to deliver it to them or you. Either way, get it inspected before money changes hands.

        Check to see if your credit union or bank works with a car buying service. Let them bargain for the best price for you.

        Don’t be afraid to just walk away. If you are trading in your old car, don’t mention that until you’ve gotten the deal at a price you like.

      2. NotoriousMCG*

        Yes, they let you take it off the lot to your mechanic. If they don’t, then they are sketchy as hell and you should run away

  41. Nervous Accountant*

    I took a pregnancy test last weekend.
    After about 10-15 minutes, I see a plus sign.
    I take another test on Monday–negative.
    I had an appt w the Dr on Wednesday to take a test but my period started.

    I feel like this was a really shitty April fools prank on me.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Did you still have the doctor do a blood test?

      I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        No, the test was negative and I gotmy period so I didn’t feel it was ncecessary to go to the Dr. I had a chemical pregnancy last year, and this wasn’t like that. Sigh.

        1. Anon for this*

          I really feel your pain. I lost a baby a few years ago and have a close friend who had 3 early mcs in a row.

          Please understand I’m not saying this to hurt your feelings at all: this was almost certainly an early miscarriage (what Americans call a chemical pregnancy). It’s incredibly rare for a positive test to be wrong. It’s much more likely you were pregnant and lost it at a very early stage.

          The reason I am telling you this is because it could be medically relevant, I’m really really not trying to hurt your feelings. Where I live you are always referred to an expert if you have 3 mcs in a row. most experts wouldn’t even see you unless it was 3 in a row because early mc is so common. so it may be worthwhile making sure your doctor knows about this and puts it in your file. If it happens again then you should see an expert. I realise the healthcare system is completely different in America but I suspect this would still be very relevant medically.

          My friend who had 3 mcs in a row saw an expert and got told to take specific things (I think was a mix of over the counter vitamins and prescribed hormones) and given different things again once she actually became pregnant and now she is 8 months pregnant.

          So please do go see your doctor just to get this on your file.

          So sorry for your loss. Sending you hugs.

          1. Nervous Accountant*

            I understand, I’ve no hurt feelings.

            I’ve had 3 mc so far, the first two were medical (ER for first one and D&C for the second), and last year was what I suspected a chemical pregnancy–I didn’t take a test at that time but it did NOT feel like a late/heavy period. Aside from the extreme pain and huge clot, I had *that* feeling.

            I honestly think the first test may have been defective, because the second test was clearly negative. And my period felt like a period, heavy but not as painful as the chemical pregnancy was and no clot this time.

            1. 42*

              I’m so sorry you went through this. It sucks.

              I want to point one thing out, I hope that’s ok. It takes 2 mins to see a positive result on a home test–sometimes sooner. If it took 15 mins to see a positive result, my suspicion is that it wasn’t a true positive test. When I was on pregnancy forums, I’d read about these “shadow” lines that can naturally appear if a negative test sits around long enough, and posters there would caution others not to consider them as positive. I only say this so that this won’t happen to you. And I have seen them myself with tests that were negative after 2 minutes. There’s this “Wait–is that a line??” moment after like 10 minute had passed, and that sucks. On the other hand, when I finally was truly pregnant with my son, the line for a positive result showed up almost immediately.

              Wishing you the best.

            2. Anon for this*

              If you have had 3 in a row then statistically that makes it less likely to be bad luck and more likely there is some cause. Please consider asking your doc for referral to an expert before you try again.

              So sorry for your losses x

    2. Turtlewings*

      What a rollercoaster. I’m so sorry. I’ve heard a few people say that women experience more miscarriages now than they used to — not because there are actually ARE more, but because we have the capability to detect pregnancy so much earlier. We catch tiny “blip” pregnancies that were never going to actually result in a baby when, in ages past, we never would have known it happened. It’s not fun for anybody and I’m sorry it happened to you.

  42. Karyn*

    I am so proud of myself. After working on the lastest chapter of my novel for 6 months, I finally finished it! I published it on AO3 and FF dot net last night, and it was almost 10,000 words. It’s been really hard for me to finish this chapter (the medication I’m on makes me really tired and mentally sluggish a lot of the time) and I finally pushed through. For anyone who is interested, it’s a Law&Order SVU/Good Wife fanfic (Barba and Eli, if you’re fans of the shows) and it’s taken on a life of its own thanks to my inventing new characters for the plot, and developing minor characters from both shows who had little backstory of their own.

    Sorry, nerded out for a second. :)

    1. Turtlewings*

      Congrats!!! I’ve written a few novel-length fanfics; the one that comes to mind was originally intended to be 20,000 words and finally clocked in at 143,000 after over two years of writing. It’s exhausting and I admire you for getting through it! I’m sure it’s been hard on readers waiting 6 months for the last chapter, so I bet they’ll be showering you with joy as well. :)

      1. Karyn*

        Oh, that’s awesome! I know people make fun of fanfic, but I think much of it can be as original as the work that inspired it. After I’m done I plan to retinker it into a truly original work. That’s the beauty of exploring characters that weren’t explored much in the original.

        I wish that more people read my story, but unfortunately not a lot of people follow these two characters (or even the shows, and The Good Wife is over now). But I don’t write for others as much as myself, so it’s no matter. If people like it, wonderful, and if they don’t, well, maybe others will later on.

        1. Turtlewings*

          I’ve tried the whole “re-tinker it into original work” and it is not as easy as you might think! The main problem is that readers come into a fanfic already knowing and caring about the characters. In an original fiction, you have to back up and do the work of establishing the characters and giving the readers reasons to care about them. But from what you said about having a lot of OCs and designing it where you don’t have to know both shows, it might be easier for you than most!

    3. Becca*

      Wow, that’s amazing!!! Congrats!!

      I always have trouble getting the next chapter started and done— you’re an inspiration :)

    4. Tau*

      Congratulations! That’s awesome, and I’m so happy you got there in the end. :)

      I totally feel you on this. I am a super-slow writer at the best of times, and although I usually just write short stuff and abandon long stuff, there is one fanfic of MY HEART which I’ve been chipping away at for around ten years now. (Morrowind novelisation, so it’s not even in a particularly active fandom.) Sometimes writing is just painful, but we have to grit our teeth and persevere.

    5. SophieChotek*

      Congrats. I like AO3; haven’t had time to read over there for a while though. i’ll try to read it though. (Will I be totally lost if I don’t know Good Wife, though?)

      1. Karyn*

        Nope! I’ve written it specifically so that people who don’t follow both shows can appreciate the story. There might be some minor references you don’t understand, but you can also Wikipedia the main characters to get anything you might not get initially. :) It’s called “Perception,” and written under my pseudonym of “fancyasscheeseballs.”

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Yay!
      Finishing is hard, LOL. I had to force myself to finish Stupid Book (formerly known as Secret Book) and I ended up writing over 10,000 words in one day. It was BRUTAL. NEVER AGAIN.

      Good for you!

    8. Laura*

      Way to go!!!

      Meanwhile, I have 4 in progress updates that are going nowhere. I think my plot bunnies are comatose…

      Good luck on chapter 7 and may the reviews be great ones!!!

  43. Lissa*

    Does anyone have any good recommendations on “get your life together” style apps/schedules? It’s looking like I’m going to have about 4 months of *very*minimal employment, which is stressful but I’ve been able to save enough that we can scrape by on my partner’s income and what little I make till fall — no trip this year. :( But anyway, I was thinking that since I’ll have so much free time I really want to try to actually be useful, and not just lump on the couch with books/video games like I usually do — I don’t tend to do well with idleness. I’m hoping to make sure I do some combination of cleaning/cooking/organizing/exercising/socializing every day and make this unfortunate low period in work at least be good for something!

    So I know there are lots of cool apps, some of which do things like give you XP for certain tasks (I’m a gamer so that sounds pretty fun!) but I tend to get overwhelmed with choice. I don’t mind paying a bit if it’s worth it, i.e. I would rather pay 5-10 dollars once for something that will from them on have higher quality and be ad free, but I’m not super picky. Physical schedulers tend to never work for me — I do things for about a week and then it ends up blank for the rest of it. I think having something on my phone I can easily click on will help.

    1. Nynaeve*

      I’ve started using Habitica and really like it. It helps with establishing habits by making it into a fun game. The nice thing is that you can set tasks that are difficult for you (for me, it’s dishes) as “hard,” So you earn more XP and gold for completing them. You can also create custom rewards (for example, making an episode of a TV show worth 10 gold) or you can get fancy armor for your avatar and hatch pets (I have a purple wolf–so cute!).

      It’s free on Android and probably iPhone, but you can pay for in-game gems and bonuses if you want.

      1. Charlie Q*

        I live for the pets on Habitica. I cannot count how many times I’ve flossed/made my bed/tidied my room/gone to the gym/etc just to have the chance to get another tiny electronic pet.

    3. Pharmgirl88*

      I really like the Productive app – pretty easy to use, and I love the look of it.

  44. GirlwithaPearl*

    Anyone care to talk allergies?

    I’ve always avoids medication (for, like, everything within reason) but they are so bad right now I have to be on some. My allergy doc currently thinks I am on 3 prescriptions right now but mostly I am on zero.

    I’m experimenting with Zyrtec but it is knocking me out.

    I can handle sneezing and itchy eyes but it’s the dizziness and ear congestion and wheezing that is getting me. So i have got to treat it more.

    I’m doing neti pot, no dairy (it’s been three weeks so far. And I deserve a prize) eucalyptus oil, nettles tea, chiro, etc. I just bought local honey but I’m also on whole thirty so that technically isn’t allowed so I haven’t taken it yet.

    I’m open to trying other medicine but it gets expensive and frustrating. What other tools have any of you tried? What medicine is working?

    Thanks in advance!

    1. fposte*

      Topical nasal sprays. Nasalcrom is a good OTC one, and it works differently than the prescriptions.

      But you should be clear with your doc what you are and aren’t taking; he shouldn’t think you’re taking stuff you’re not.

      1. GirlwithaPearl*

        Thanks. OTC nasal spray is next on my list; my prescription one was also knocking me out (despite taking it at night) and the other was a steroid and made me feel crazy.

        I have a follow up with my doc in a couple weeks so she will definitely be getting all of my updates and results of what I’ve tried. I just can’t go in every time I try something new that isn’t working!

        1. Halpful*

          This won’t help for this year’s pollen, or for non-seasonal allergies, but *next* year, try starting the antihistamines before allergy season starts. My doctor suggested it, and now I start mine in february (possibly even january), and it makes them far more effective. :)

    2. copy run start*

      Are you taking the Zyrtec before bed? That might work better since it’s knocking you out.

      I take Zyrtec daily and then the OTC Nasacort. Should this start failing me I’ll probably look in to allergy shots. Neti pot/saline spray is helpful for me if I’m already congested but does nothing for prevention. None of the other remedies you’ve mentioned have ever done anything for me, though I know some people who swear by honey.

      If I roll in juniper bushes or whatever I take good old Benadryl. But you can’t combine it with Zyrtec, so I just plan on a day of fogginess every 4 – 6 hours.

      If you do stick with Zyrtec, you can get a year’s worth off Amazon for ~$20. Nasacort is also much cheaper online.

    3. CAA*

      I had to give up on Zyrtec. It worked the best for my allergies, but it knocked me out so I tried taking it at night. But then I slept so deeply it seemed like I wasn’t dreaming and I was irritable and exhausted during the day.

      Now I take the generic Costco brand that’s the same as Claritin every morning. It doesn’t quite last 24 hours, so I wake up stuffy, but at least I feel like myself. I also use a single spray of Flonase in each nostril once per day. Any more than that and I have nosebleeds.

      1. GirlwithaPearl*

        Thanks!
        Yeah I think I have to call it quits on Zyrtec. Also taking it in the evening because I get a quick burst of energy followed by 20 hours of utter exhaustion. Maybe I will try Claritin.

        1. Florida*

          Warning about quitting Zyrtec… I used to take Zyrtec-D everyday. When I quit, my whole body itched like crazy. I mean seriously itched. After a few days, I was fine. Hopefully, your experience will be a little more pleasant.

          1. GirlwithaPearl*

            Thanks, I have definitely heard that from others too. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t used it for more than 2 days in a row!

      2. New Bee*

        Does Flonase dry your nostrils out? I ended up going to urgent care because of sinus pain (I have seasonal allergies but never this bad), and the doctor prescribed one but I feel like it’s making my nose so dry. I don’t have nasal congestion so haven’t used a saline spray, and hot showers/teapot under my nose aren’t really working.

        1. GirlwithaPearl*

          I was taking patanase nasal spray and omg my nostrils were painfully dry. It helped once I stopped.

        2. CAA*

          Yes, Flonase dried me out to the point I got nosebleeds. I can tolerate it fine in lower doses though. For me, it’s not effective enough by itself. I have to take it with an oral med like Claritin.

      1. GirlwithaPearl*

        This is totally up my alley and there’s practitioners right near me. Thank you!

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I did NAET about 15 years ago. It did help. Like you I was drowning in a head full of congestion.
        If this interests you then you might be interested in finding a practitioner who deals with Standard Process Products. They are cheap for the job they do and I think you’d be happy with the results.

        For the moment, I’d suggest willow bark. It’s the natural equvilant to aspirin. It works best on sinuses and swelling/inflammation. So even if you don’t have much results for you congestion and ears, you can save the bottle and use it for times where something is swollen and/or bruised. There’s regular strength and extra strength. I have never seen much difference in the two, but the regular is a lot cheaper. You can get at some bigger grocery stores or health food stores. I use it on my ears for ear aches, I gave it to a friend for her broken toe so she could put a shoe on and I also treated my husband for the biggest bruise I have ever seen in my life with willow bark. (That was amazing, 45 minutes the bruise when down 75% with willow bark and ice. And it was STILL HUGE. omg. But he was thrilled with the results.)

    5. Rogue*

      I have always had horrible allergies, to cats, pollen, dust, milk, etc. Growing up, I was given every allergy pill on the market; Benadryl knocked me out (still does), Allegra/Zyrtec/Claritin all stopped working after a month or two, then I tried Singular. That worked for the longest, but was extremely expensive. I tried nasal sprays, but as a child I just sneezed them back out. A couple years ago, I had a severe allergy attack due to juniper/cedar trees in TX and the doctor suggested I try Flonase. I was hesitant because of my prior responses to nasal sprays, but this time it went much better and this stuff works wonders! If you haven’t tried it, I suggest it.

      1. Rogue*

        I should add, I’ve also tried saline spray, netipots, stinging nettle supplements, along with a variety of other supplements that were supposed to help with allergies, local honey (didn’t help), I tried the decongestant versions of all the pills I mentioned in the previous post, decongestants like sudafed and had to take a pill for post nasal drip at one point too. If I let an allergy attack get too bad and can’t get it under control, it almost always leads to a sinus & ear infection.

      2. Merely*

        Singulair went generic in the last 5 years or so and is now much cheaper with most insurance plans. Generic name is montelukast in the US.

    7. Jules the First*

      An OTC nasal spray (not Flonase – that just makes things worse) and sodium chromoglycilate eye drops get met through allergy season every year. Before I hit upon that combination, nothing worked.

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      2 sprays of Flonase in each nostril every night, along with the Target version of Claritin. I’ve been using the combination for 7 or 8 years with no bad side effects. It’s the only stuff that’s been effective for me.

      1. Artemesia*

        I do a claritin at night and two sprays of flonase in the morning and that keeps things manageable for me too. I use a neti pot with colds or bad hay fever and that helps as well especially in the morning as gunk seems to accumulate in sinuses overnight.

    9. Franzia Spritzer*

      I’m allergic to effing everything, food, the outside, animals, everything. I take the 24 hr non-drowsy generic Claritin, I get it at Target at bargain basement prices. Even though it’s a non-drowsy, I take it at night (pollen is mostly released at night, close your windows when you sleep). If I don’t take it I wake up with very puffy itchy eyes, my nose is stuffed, my throat is sore, and my teeth hurt from the sinus pressure, and I’m susceptible to all the related infections, ear-nose-throat and unfortunately stomach as I also suffer from post nasal drip, yay. Daily Claritin is my saving grace. When stuff gets really bad during pollen season I’ll add an OTC nasal spray (this is mostly a regionally specific thing, in the PNW I need it, in The South I don’t).

      Good luck, and I hope you feel better.

    10. Jessesgirl72*

      Zyrtec makes me too sleepy. So I prefer Claritin- but it does take seemingly forever to kick in. My husband likes Zyrtec, so he takes it before bedtime.

      I have really and honestly had a lot of luck with local honey.

    11. Sibley*

      Allergy meds work best if you take them before bed, and take them consistently (no breaks). I take Zyrtec, but have also taken Allegra in the past, plus various OTC stuff before those. Claritin didn’t work for me. Everyone reacts differently, so if one isn’t working, try something different.

      You may also need a decongestant to help, at least temporarily, given your comments about dizziness and ear congestion. Please do not ignore those issues – I have permanently damaged my inner ear, and thus balance, because of allergies. Got fluid in my ears for a period of time (months), and then it took months to clear my ears properly on top of it. I’m now recovered as much as I can, but I still have problems with motion sickness and general balance. If I’m groggy, I’m actually a fall risk.

      I get that you don’t like meds, especially if you’re getting side effects. Make sure you do all the little tricks to help. Take showers at night, try to stay indoors in mornings. Wash bedding regularly (at least weekly), lots of vacuuming and dusting. If you can, getting rid of carpet and curtains may help. Take a look at what cleaning supplies you use – some of them cause problems for me, so I have to use something else. Even if you’re not allergic, you could be sensitive.

    12. Chaordic One*

      I went ahead and had allergy testing with an allergist followed by 4 years of desensitization shots once a week. I also had surgery to correct a deviated septum and turbinator reduction surgery. The combinati0n of surgery and shots totally worked for seasonal allergies like different kinds of pollens and now I only take decongestents 3 or 4 times a year. It was a long process, but definitely worth it.

    13. Gadfly*

      There are two types of histamine receptors. H1 and H2. Your Zyrtec and Benedryll and such work with the H1. But the H2 can set off a lot of the same issues. To get an H2 blocker you have to go a bit off label–mostly antacids. Pepcid and Zantac and such. And they work well for a fair number of people. Might be worth researching and chatting with your doctor and/or pharmacist about.

      I learned about this because I had a couple bad reactions (rush to instacare after using epipen level) to some allergy shots. First time it was basically megadoses of Benadryl and anti-itch creams. Second time my husband was there and had just finished a class on this (RN school) and asked the pharmacist. He said to go for it. Hives cleared up beautifully and the watery eyes and such were gone really quick. I have used it occasionally since when things get really bad and it helps me.

    15. Clever Name*

      Flonase has changed my life. I have year round allergies and would have frequent sneezing attacks and sinus headaches. Now I have basically no symptoms. It’s amazing.

    16. Gene*

      Well first, stop lying to your doctor. The you can’t help without accurate information.

      I moved away from an area I loved so my allergies wouldn’t put me in the ER a couple of times a year. I currently take daily Loratadine and Mometasone Furoate nasal spray, and that keeps them pretty well controlled. When I get a major attack that plugs me up, I pop a couple of Sudafed.

    17. Beancounter Eric*

      First, I am not a doctor, so do not take this as medical advice:

      Chlorphenamine 4mg every 4 hours. Inexpensive (1000 tablets for around $10 on Amazon.), very little, if any drowsiness, and it works well, at least for me with Atlanta pollen. Brand name of Chlor-Trimeton, store brands at most any drug store chain, WalMart, etc.

      Good luck!!

  45. Notthemomma*

    Thanks to the flights all over being cancelled, I’m staying in a wonderful hotel in a hub city. I am feeling so deliciously decadent! I slept till noon, am now sitting in the bar reading and having REAL lemonade. I’ll go sit by the pool later and read a book then watch a movie tonight. Not a care in the world. It’s a nice me-cation.

    1. regina phalange*

      I am supposed to be flying to a hub city on Monday and am nervous about getting there because Delta is still catching up and if you leave me sitting on a plane indefinitely I will for sure be popping the xanax. Glad you are having a nice me-cation!!!

      1. Notthemomma*

        Good luck! this is a good weekend to practice our patience and hope for the best

    2. Bye Academia*

      Nice!

      My parents were supposed to return from their vacation in Florida on Thursday, but the flight got canceled at the last minute. Their rebooked flight today got canceled again (also after they got to the airport…), and they are now scheduled to leave on Tuesday.

      I don’t think they’re too mad about it because it’s extra vacation time, but five extra hotel nights is a lot of money (that Delta won’t pay because it’s “weather related”) and they’ve spent two of those five days in the airport instead of in the sun. Oh well.

      1. Seal*

        HUGE thunderstorms in Atlanta all day Wednesday. I had to drive to the airport that day and at times it was like driving through a car wash. Since Atlanta is Delta’s main hub they wound up cancelling something like 3000 flights. Mine was one of them – I was supposed to get to my destination at 2 in the afternoon that day and instead got there at 2AM the next morning. Part of the problem was lightning. There was a lot of it off and on all day and apparently they can’t have the ground crews go out until there hasn’t been a lightning strike within 5 miles of the airport for 10 minutes.

        It seems they’re still struggling to get back on schedule, too. I was supposed to get back home by 3PM yesterday and instead got home at 3AM this morning. I’ve spent a lot of time in airports these past 3 days.

  46. fposte*

    Did other people see the fabulous story about the high school kids working for the student paper who uncovered the lies on their newly hired principal’s resume? What an amazing achievement–I would be so proud if I were their parents (and embarrassed, if I were the hiring committee).

    Link in followup.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yes!

      I was the editor of my high school paper and was always using it to needle our principal, but never did I dream of pulling off something this impressive. My feats were more along the lines of quoting from his letters to parents that were full of grammatical errors, and adding “(sic)” every two lines.

      2. Jillociraptor*

        One of my favorite whip around prompts is “Tell us a fact about you when you were younger that is totally unsurprising.”

        This is yours.

        (I love this story.)

        1. Al Lo*

          Ha! I love this. That’s a much better “tell the group something interesting about yourself” prompt than most.

      3. Artemesia*

        I cannot imagine a school board hiring a principal without better vetting. This is a major management fail here.

    3. Temperance*

      That story made me so happy and proud of those kids, but the incompetence of the local school board and the adults who should have done their due diligence was mind-boggling.

    5. dear Liza dear liza*

      I’ve heard people debate whether you should Google candidates. This is why you Google them (and the “credentials” on their resumes.)

      1. Audiophile*

        Googling might have found that, but it sounds like the school didn’t even run a background check.

        1. fposte*

          And I felt the fake university was particularly fake-sounding. So I felt kind of disdainful that she didn’t even go to a *good* fake university.

    6. MoodyMoody*

      I’m cynical enough that I wonder if the hiring committee even cared about “Dr.” Robinson’s credentials. The school board continued to use the title even after they found out that she had fake credentials.

    7. Jessesgirl72*

      One of things I love about that story is that Kansas State law protects student journalists from retaliatory punishment from school administration, and that their advisor recused herself (I think her) because she’d been on the committee who’d selected the lying principal, and so real journalists took over guiding the kids.

      And I like that the school superintendent is proud of them- although he is the one most responsible, ultimately, for not checking her credentials!

  47. Nynaeve*

    I need advice on drawing boundaries with an ex.

    We broke up two and a half years ago, but agreed to stay friends. But I don’t really want to spend as much time with him anymore because I get the uncomfortable feeling that he hasn’t really moved on and secretly hopes we’ll eventually get back together. Last time we hung out, he foisted a giant box of presents on me: signed books, bath products, tea things, etc. This after we hadn’t seen each other in almost a year…and he lives with his parents, so he’s not exactly rolling in money.

    He wants to go to an all-day nerd-type event together, and my immediate reaction is: “No, I’d rather do that with my real friends.” So I want to reject his offer, but I don’t want to be cruel about it. I’m not sure how much is too much to say, especially since it will appear to be coming out of the blue. Basically, I want to convey, “I’d like to hang out with you, but in a limited, controlled way, and not at all if you keep being weird about things.”

    Wording options/general advice?

    1. Turtlewings*

      “I feel like it would be healthier for both of us to pull back on our friendship for a while. You’re putting more into it than I’m comfortable doing, and that’s not fair to either of us. Let’s just stick to [monthly coffee/occasional email/etc.] for now.”

    2. Temperance*

      I don’t think you need to give him a reason why you aren’t going with him. I would just be polite, but vague. If you give him reasons, you’re opening it up to bargaining.

      I would probably not be too keen on spending time with him period, but that’s just me.

      1. Nynaeve*

        It’s definitely not just you. I’m pretty burned out on him at the moment.

        I definitely don’t want to offer reasons. If he pushes, he gets the Phoebe from Friends answer, “Oh, that sounds great, but I just remembered, I don’t want to.”

      2. Artemesia*

        The only reason you need to break up is ‘I want to’ in all its permutation. You never have to justify not being available to someone else if you choose not to be. NEVER EXPLAIN Do.

    3. Dzhymm, BfD*

      I’ve been exactly this guy in the past. Trust me, you need to cut him off completely. Anything less he will perceive as an opening to try and get back together. You talk of “letting him down gently”, but in my experience that only prolongs the agony on your side and the false hope on his. There was a relationship advice columnist(*) back in the dotcom era who spoke of “ripping off the bandage” — doing something painful quickly and at once rather than a little at a time. I have the feeling this may be called for here.

      * “Breakup Girl”, aka Lynn Harris.

      1. LCL*

        Dzhymm is totally right. Stop seeing him, period. And don’t be sucked into giving any reasons.

      2. Nynaeve*

        Thank you for your perspective. I’m sure you’re probably right. It definitely has the ring of uncomfortable truth.

        Out of curiosity, was there something in particular that prompted you to stop being “that guy”?

        1. Dzhymm, BfD*

          There were a few things that got me to stop being “that guy”. The first was a wave of sexual harassment awareness that came along at my college at about the same time I was trying to get back together with an ex. She threatened to make her complaint official, so I slunk away, tail between my legs and licking my wounds. To be honest, I was bitter as all get-out about it, but I backed off.

          The second thing was developing real social skills and an understanding of how people actually operate. Before this other people weren’t quite real to me; you didn’t work *with* them, you manipulated them (this is in general, not just in romance). I had a whole series of “rules” for dealing with people – “do this, and that should happen”. It didn’t help that the whole environment I grew up in worked that way. It took a long time and hanging out with different crowds (not to mention a buttload of psychotherapy) to learn that it’s not like that at all…

    4. neverjaunty*

      First, stop worrying about being cruel. You already know that you have no interest in being deliberately awful and delighting in his suffering, right? Therefore, whatever you’re doing will not be cruel.

      As the saying goes, don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

      1. Nynaeve*

        Thank you, this is helpful to remember. You’re right…even at my angriest and most frustrated, when I’m most tempted to lash out, it’s not because I want to hurt him or make him suffer, but because I want him to stop doing the things that make me uncomfortable. And that’s a reasonable thing to want.

    5. Artemesia*

      I had an ex husband who quite his job and moved to where I was going to grad school so we could start over. I thought a divorce was a fairly clear signal of intent, but I do admit to being a little wishy washy about discouraging him. It was fairly awful ending it again.

      You have ZERO responsibility to remain friends or every see him again; if he has any torch still flickering, it is cruel to see him socially. All you need to say is ‘this isn’t really working, seeing each other like this. we really need a clean break.’ And then do it. It is stringing him along to let him cling like this and it is likely to damage your own ability to move on. People who break up move on — this is not ‘normal’ or expected i.e. hanging out together endlessly. It is just better for both of you to draw a line. It lets him get his life on track and you too.

      1. Nynaeve*

        Oh no, that sounds awful! I’m so sorry you went through that. I agree with you that in this case, I need a clean break. I think some people can be friends after breaking up, but I don’t think he’s one of them (at least, not where I’m concerned).

        1. Jo*

          God yes. Don’t keep seeing him if he still has even the tiniest bit of interest in you. That only draws out the pain and emotions and godddd-i-miss-them feelings. A clean break is best. Every time he sees you he’ll feel that pain again, when the only way to move on is to forget. You can’t forget when you’re repeatedly exposing yourself to that pain — it keeps it fresh.

          I’m still not over my ex yet and a large part of the reason why is that I can’t avoid seeing him regularly at social events, due to the nature and circumstances of where we live. Hell, I just saw him at a party on Friday and I’m going to a yoga class at his house later this week. See what I mean?

          This is not healthy. As a result I’m seriously considering leaving for good because I just can’t keep doing this.

  48. Finding a travel buddy*

    Does anyone have experience with finding a travel buddy? I’m rsearching packaged trips priced for mandatory double occupancy, and the single supplement puts the trips out of my price range.

    1. Uncivil Engineer*

      Try different companies. Gadventures and Intrepid both have optional single supplements so I imagine there are some others out there. If you don’t pay the supplement, the company will match you will another solo traveler of the same gender. If there are none, you get a room to yourself without paying the supplement.

  49. Elkay*

    Any other Cabin Pressure fans out there? I knew about it but hadn’t heard it until the first series was repeated over Christmas then I got hold of the rest of the episodes and loved it.

      1. Iris Carpenter*

        Or we could play Hide the Lemon. A new post titled “The Lemon is in play” indicates that you have managed to slip the word “lemon” into an otherwise sensible reply elsewhere in the comments.

        1. Elkay*

          Ctrl+F would end the lemon game pretty quickly :)

          Arthur is by far my favourite character but I like the fact that all the regular characters are loveable in different ways.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I LOVED this series. SO hilarious. I used to listen to it while cleaning and I would get to laughing so much I could hardly do anything. It definitely made doing chores more fun.

      Now I want to listen to it again. I have them all on my old iPod and CDs so I think I will.

    4. Triceratops*

      YES. I have it all on CD and still listen to it about twice a year when I’m tired of listening to the radio for my commute.

  50. Cristina in England*

    My best pal is coming to my city for 4 days this week, and I am very excited. My two kids and I are staying in the hotel with her, which is something we have done before (in my city and also several others) and I know it will be fab.

    The best part is that we have adjoining rooms so after my kids go to bed we don’t have to talk in the bathroom! That’s extra great because she is heavily pregnant and needs every bit of comfort she can get. I feel like this is our last hurrah before her first baby is born and she is in the Unknown. Who knows, maybe she will still be up for doing this with her baby (I hope so) but I will try to enjoy this extra extra a lot just in case it is while before we can do it again.

    I am not really asking for advice or anything, just sharing my excitement. We will do completely mundane things like stroller and car seat shopping (using my kids as test subjects, haha) but I am really excited for all of it.

    1. Caledonia*

      I hope you and your friend (and the children too) have a lovely time! Even though you are staying in ‘your’ city, it’s still like a break because of the hotel :)

      1. Cristina in England*

        Thank you! We are staying in the city centre but we don’t go there very often so I think everyone will find something fun (my kids always like the fountains). The hotel staff there have always been super duper nice to us when we’ve stayed there. I am so excited I am actually already 90% packed and she isn’t coming until Wednesday afternoon! I think I need a bit of a half term break myself, probably.

    2. Cookie D'oh*

      That sounds so lovely! Doing mundane things is much more fun with a friend. Hopefully the tradition can continue after she has the baby. Having adjoining rooms is definitely easier with kids. Enjoy!

    3. SophieChotek*

      Congrats! I think you’ve posted before about getting together with best pal — hope you have a blast!

      1. Cristina in England*

        Oh! I might have last August, I think that was the last time we got together. She met me in Edinburgh. We had a blast and also did errands then too! (She came with me to the consulate to get my son’s passport).

  51. nom*

    In the comment section for the “my boss asked if I’m depressed” post, I mentioned that I tint my eyelashes as an alternative to wearing mascara everyday. I posted some details there (link to follow), but I’m happy to answer more questions here!

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Hi! I have so many questions for you. So like I mentioned in that thread, I have mine done at a salon every month. I’d love to be able to do them myself, but it seems … dangerous? Or something. What are the mechanics of doing it yourself? Do you do one eye at a time? Do you close the eye or leave it open while the dye sits there? (I assume you close them?) Are you able to get down to the roots when you do it yourself or do you just focus more on the tips?

      1. nom*

        It did seem a little unnerving the first time I did it at home. To be honest, I think I was more comfortable even trying to do it myself because I started out using the exact same brand that I’d seen being used at the salon. But I’d also had the unpleasant experience of the dye seeping into my closed eye a few times when I was getting them tinted by someone else, which wasn’t fun but also wasn’t catastrophic. Given that, I suppose it didn’t seem exceptionally dangerous to try doing it myself.

        Having now done it many times on my own, I would say that doing it myself actually results in far less contact between the dye and my skin, so long as I take my time and apply small amounts at a time. I think the biggest reason for this is that I’m not reclining, so the dye doesn’t naturally run down to the base of my lashes. Instead, it’s more like I’m very carefully applying mascara: standing upright, using a mirror (preferably a magnifying mirror).

        I apply the dye to one eye at a time, coating first the tops of my upper lashes with the eye closed, then the underside of the same lashes with the eye open, then the bottom lashes. As I mentioned earlier, I use a disposable mascara wand to apply the dye. I try to coat the lashes well but not “glop” the dye on, which also means I can open and close my eyes without the dye getting into them. After I finish applying to one eye, I do the other one, then wait about 10 min (eyes can be open), then wash it off. I tend to just get in the shower and let the water run gently on my face, so that I’m sure all the excess dye is washed away.

        I am able to get down to the roots doing this, though I will say that it takes a steady hand (I usually brace my elbow on the countertop or other surface). A magnifying mirror is also super helpful!

        You definitely want to make sure not to get the dye on your skin, since it will stain. As long as you wipe it off quickly it’s not a problem, but if your lashes naturally curl and touch your skin, then the dye could transfer. Mine don’t, but if yours do, then you can cut a piece of tissue or paper towel to fit under your eye, and get it to stick in place with a bit of lotion or cold cream.

        If the dye does get into your eye somehow, then just quickly wash your eye out with water (the same as what you’d do in a salon setting). I’ve found the best way to prevent this is to take my time, apply small amounts, and have lots of patience.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          So when you blink, it’s not getting into your eye? I suppose I always picture the dye being glopped on there, but since I never have my eyes open, I don’t actually know.

          I want to try this! What brand are you using?

          1. nom*

            I think applying smaller amounts really helps. Plus, the brand I’m using now is a bit thicker, closer to the consistency of mascara, so although it’s wet it doesn’t really run. Also, once I apply it, it seems to “dry out” a little bit — but I’m also living in a really dry climate right now, so everything around here drys quickly.

            I’m currently using 1000 Hour Eyelash & Brow Dye/Tint, which I order off Amazon. It sounds a little weird, but I really like the blue-black color. It’s much more subtle than the color on the box suggests, a deep black with just the slightest hint of blue … though when I first mixed it up, I had flashbacks to the colored mascara trend of my junior high days. But there’s also a regular black, which is what I’d try first.

            Like most dyes, it has two components: a small tube that reminds me of oil paints, and a small bottle with a “dropper” dispenser in the top. For this brand, you mix the two together (the package includes a reusable plastic tray and mixing stick). I generally mix up about half as much as the instructions recommend and have more than enough, especially since I do it regularly so I’m mostly just touching up the roots.

    3. Menacia*

      This is interesting! I don’t like wearing mascara either but I have dark lashes on one eye and light on the other, same with my eyebrows so I only use a brow pencil on one side. I might try getting a professional tint done to see how it looks.

      1. nom*

        You can get your brows done too! I dyed my hair dark for a 6-month period a couple years ago, and got my brows tinted so that they matched.

    4. Anxa*

      So, I want to thank you for this. Maybe, somebody, I will be more interested in doing this. This is a shot in the dark, but before you switched to last tinting, were by any chance a user of the softer, lighter mascara called Neutragena Clean Lash Tint?

      I’ve read the metafilter question and answers that show up on a search, but I’m still looking for my magical replacement. I am not the only one. It was the only one on the market like it, that I ever saw, and I didn’t even know what a find it was at the time!

      I can’t wait until this seemingly decade-long obsession with high-impact mascara subsides. I’m dark blonde and have pretty dark eyebrows, but half of my eyelashes are blonde (the tips). I wear glasses and not a lot of makeup, but sometimes I just want a little color without a lot of definition. Also I can’t use microscopes well with mascara.

      1. Lore*

        Oh, I loved that stuff so much! Posting so I can keep track if anyone replies. I’m so mad it’s gone. I have long, thick, but pale lashes, so I need something but I hate black mascara and it just always looks clumpy and messy because I have a lot of lash.

        1. Anxa*

          And if ANYONE works at Neutrogena, please, please bring it back! I’m wondering if it was like, super toxic or something and they had reason to discontinue it, but I’m thinking it just wasn’t something you could make The Mascara Commercial for.

          (and thanks, nom, for this. It’s not really something I’m that interested in now, but one day I might succumb if I can’t find a good replacement)

  52. The Other Dawn*

    Another question: are there any good websites or apps that calculate the tolls for a route? One that I don’t have to pay for. I’m Googling now, but not coming up with anything good. Or I just suck at Google.

    Trying to figure out if taking a train is worth it rather than driving. Even though I’m mostly recovered from the tummy tuck, I’d rather not drive the four hours alone. Mainly because I can’t recline the seat like I could if someone else were driving.

    1. Cookie D'oh*

      Maybe try searching for the state/city website or department of transportation to see if they have any info.

      We were on a toll road in San Diego where it took a picture of the license plate. I remember there was a website where you went to pay the fee. I can’t remember what it was, but I think it was specific to the city.

      1. Liane*

        Texas does this. You can find tables with the tolls on their state DOT website. Which is also where I found out that if you don’t have the Texas gadget that they can scan and debit from, they take a licture of your tag and mail you the bill. (Tolls were only a bit over a dollar each.)

  53. Thea*

    My hometown was hit with a terror attack this week. There were lots of rumours of more attacks going around and I was so scared when I walked home (all trains were cancelled). And now everything feels a very odd mix of horrible and just-another-day. It’s so strange.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, no. Stockholm? I’m so sorry, and I hope you find a way back to a workable normal soon.

      1. Thea*

        Thank you. I had planned to leave work early to get some shopping done before the weekend, but a meeting ran late. I heard the sirens and could smell smoke from the fire. And as I’m writing this, I realise that this happened only yesterday. It feels like longer ago.

    2. The RO-Cat*

      All my good vibes and Jedi hugs for you, all my tears for the dead. Even without the injured Romanian, Stockholm was dear to me. It’s in my heart now – and you also!

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Other Half is Swedish and his hometown is an hour west of Stockholm (Strangnas). We are headed there in early May with a few nights in Stockholm proper – and I meant to go to that Ahlens too! But I know what you are saying about horrible/just another day – something major and awful and significant happened and yet it seems very remote. And you feel like you should care more but (and you hate to admit it) its almost become part of the world we live in. That itself is a terrifying thought.

      We live in London and I felt exactly like you did two weeks ago. It happened, but it happened to other people, even if it was a mile away. They didn’t shut down our trains, but I can imagine (depending where you were going) that level of disruption making it a bit more real.

      1. Thea*

        The cancelled trains and all the unconfirmed (and false, it turned out) rumours of shootings in all kinds of shopping malls made it really scary. And it really is terrifying that it’s like another thing that just happens sometimes. I hope that will stop and that the world will become a safer place in the future.

    5. Jo*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. There really is no way to reconcile it and, honestly, there shouldn’t be. Fear is normal, as is the strange sense of detachment. The worst part about these attacks are that they’re quite literally hitting you where you live, which is such an awful, vulnerable feeling.

      I live in a conflict zone where terrorist attacks are common (usually one big one every few months, although occasionally they come more frequently) but it’s not my home. I’ve been here long enough that it’s started to feel like home, but there’s still that sense that this is not my place, so the attacks don’t have quite the sucker punch that one back home would. As used to them here as I am, these attacks en Europe quite honestly freak me out more.

      I hate to say it, but it is possible to grow used to it — to the fear, the stress, the feeling of waiting for the axe to fall and the next attack to happen. When I first arrived, hearing ongoing attacks would completely terrify me and even though they often stretch far into the night, or even all night, sleep was impossible. Now I regularly fall asleep even with the distant sound of gunfire echoing through the neighborhood (although that’s usually courtesy of a drunken politician rather than insurgents).

      The fact that you’re reacting to it means that you’re not used to it, so in an odd sense, that’s good. I’d recommend talking it through with someone you trust. Work through your feelings about what happened, how you feel about the future now, the fear, the anxiety, all of it. That’s always helped me the most. Not being alone when you’re scared can help, too. If you live with a partner or roommate, great. If not, maybe plan some sleepovers with a good friend or two?

      One thing I’ve learned here is that life always goes on. What happened in Stockholm was awful and terrifying, but it’s important to make sure that life goes on.

      Process what happened, definitely don’t ignore it, but make sure you don’t let it change you or the way you live your life. Don’t let them win.

      1. Thea*

        Thank you for the kind words and advice. We had friends staying over the first night because they couldn’t get home, and we talked pretty much non stop. The place cleared the area for visits today, so I went there and walked down the street where it happened and left some flowers. It felt good to go there with the only purpose of paying our respects. A few years ago there was a failed terrorist attack in the same area and it felt very strange the first time I went back. This felt like a better choice.

        I hate the thought that anyone should have to get used to these kind of things. I know that’s how the world is, but I wish we could change it.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Maybe we can get the world chanting “stop the violence, stop the violence”.

  54. BrownN*

    Hi, Alison. What is your cat sitting in? A hat? Can’t figure out what it is. Thanks.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          There’s no way any of my cats would get in there. A former boss of mine gave me something similar because her cat didn’t like it. Mine didn’t either! They’d much rather have an empty box. Or they like to jam up together two at a time into a tiny cat bed that’s supposed to fit one cat.

          1. Someone*

            Possibly you could upgrade it?
            With old blankets, pillows, pullovers, coats and suchlike? Sheep’s fur is also much appreciated by most cats.

            1. Someone*

              Edit: Old clothes of yours might make it both more comfy AND give it a familiar, relaxing smell for your cats.

      2. Hrovitnir*

        Ooo. I want one so bad. I’ve been drooling over this for a while, but can’t really justify a >NZ$100 bed (once you factor in shipping) when we have so many cats. But it’s so pretty:

        https://www.etsy.com/nz/listing/100389730/cat-bedcat-cavecat-housefelted-cat-cave?ref=hp_rv

        I am seriously considering trying to learn to felt a cat bed out of cat hair though. One of our cats in particular has this incredibly dense, soft hair. You can brush an entire shopping bag of hair off him daily; it seems infinite.

        Since my link will get caught in moderation anyway, here’s a picture of the round, white (deaf) cat in question:

        https://ibb.co/gXSu1Q

        1. dawbs*

          Basic felting is easier than it seems initially…and, uhm, I may have felted a toy ball for a cat out of cat hair before. It was not disastrous.
          Although I had to keep the cat (who had amazing hair like you describe) from eating it.

          1. Hrovitnir*

            Thank you! He is such a funny thing. And @ dawbs, I can 100% imagine Elric trying to eat a ball of hair as I try and felt it. :P

      3. Artemesia*

        I bought one for my son’s cat. They are cool and expensive. And cats are fickle. The cat loved it for a few weeks and now never uses it except to sometimes sit on it. Next time it is free bags and boxes.

  55. Cookie D'oh*

    I’m leaving for a work trip tomorrow flying Delta and connecting in ATL. I been checking the flight status and nothing has been canceled. I’m going check again tomorrow morning and hopefully everything will go smoothly.

  56. Lionheart*

    My coworkers and I (this isn’t work related, I promise!) came up with the idea of a “cookbook club”, and while I know it’s probably not actually our original idea, I still think it’s worth sharing. Every month, someone brings a cookbook in to work and leaves it on a table in the break room. Anyone who is interested can photocopy a recipe from the book, and we each try out our new recipes at a monthly pot luck.
    We just started it, and are having our first lunch next week. This month’s book is “Lazy days and beach blankets” and I’m making gazpacho.
    The bonuses are: we learn new recipes and each lunch is different; the lunches are all based around a theme so the food complements each other; the emphasis is on trying new recipes so nobody minds if the food doesn’t taste good.

    I’m so excited about this lunch! (which shows just how exciting my life is at the moment….) and will report back on the gazpacho.

  57. Imaginary Number*

    What’s the best way to respond to a friend who invites you to an MLM event? I’m used to getting the facebook invites for makeup and kitchen gadget parties from facebook friends. It’s annoying but I hit the “not going” reply without too much thought. The other day I received a facebook- message invite from a friend I was pretty close with when living overseas. We’ve both since moved back to the states (separate states.) The message started out personalized “How’s the new job? I still laugh about that time when … etc.” But then it blended into what was clearly a copy-paste job about this AWESOME lipstick she’s selling and inviting me to her party for it. It was very clear that the whole intent of this message was to sell me lipstick. I’m not even mad about it because I know that’s what these companies coach women to do, convincing them that they’re actually doing their friends a favor because the lipstick is SO awesome and we’ll definitely thank them for it *gag*. I really want to reply back and say something along the lines of “thanks for the invite but I actually have a personal policy of never buying MLM politics for ethical reasons.” I know that will come across as passive aggressive or aggressive, though. I just really feel like people need to be more honest with their MLM friends how awful their tactics are. This is a nice woman whose friendship I value. Thoughts?

    2. fposte*

      I don’t know that I’m with you on believing you need to tell your nice friend your opinion about MLM. I think most of our friends have stuff that we don’t ideologically agree with. However, if you do feel strongly that it’s important she know, I don’t think I’d use a response to an invitation as the venue for that opinion; I’d say “No, thanks” and save the discussion for later. Or you could slightly split the difference and say “No, thank you; I’m not a AmLulaMonavie buyer, so I’d rather not be on the list for those parties, but I’m still looking forward to our lunch on Thursday–hope you and the cats are well.” It’s not tackling the where-you-stand-on-MLMs thing but it is making a broader statement about not wanting those invites any more.

      1. Mononymous*

        I agree. My best friend’s sister-in-law got her into one of the essential oil MLMs, and I keep having to bite my tongue when I see her “this oil with vinegar and water cleans my whole house and I don’t have to use those awful CHEMICALS!!1!” posts on Facebook. If it were anyone else, I’d be replying about how water is a chemical, vinegar is a chemical, her precious oils are chemicals… But I’d rather preserve the relationship than correct the MLM propaganda in this case. (And I say this as someone who actually does enjoy EOs for limited purposes, such as adding fragrance to homemade beauty products.) So I just scroll on by.

        Just politely decline the invitation, unless she presses you on “BUT WHYYYYYYYY don’t you want this best lipstick ever in the whole wide world?!” If she does that, go with what fposte suggests above.

        1. Liane*

          *Of course* the “precious oils” clean well, when mixed with vinegar & water! Because, as anyone who’s ever read Hints from Heloise knows, plain old vinegar & water is a great household cleaner.

          1. Ann O.*

            Although depending on the price of the oils and how effectively they counteract the smell of vinegar, they may be worth it. I typically clean with vinegar and water, but I do not love the vinegar smell for the first half hour or so!

    3. Cookie D'oh*

      I would just decline the invitation citing some conflict. If you’re good friends with her, maybe an in person conversation would be better to discuss MLM tactics.

    5. LawCat*

      I’d just reply with some catching up message if you want to catch up. End, “I’m unable to attend your lipstick party, but it was great to hear from you!” No need to say a reason why you are not attending.

    6. Rebecca*

      Oh, I feel your pain. Someone I know is all into Thrive right now, and is super excited about it, thriving, and oh seriously, it gets on my nerves.

    7. BRR*

      I think it depends on how close you are to them. Someone you like, “I’m sorry but I wont be able attend.” Someone who you only barely know and it’s annoying they only contacted you for this I’d be irked and probably say, ” sorry I don’t be like contributing to pyramid schemes.” But I get really annoyed with someone’s people and how aggressive the team are.

    8. Artemesia*

      My life got much better when the phrase ‘Oh thanks, but I never do shopping parties.’ entered my repertoire. And when they counter with ‘oh it will be fun and you don’t have to buy anything’, you just rinse and repeat. Life is much simpler if you have ‘policies’ about things people try to push you into that you don’t want to do. e.g. if you ‘never’ do shopping parties, lend your tools, let others drive your car, help with moves. Once you draw that line you don’t get asked after a couple of rounds. I sat through a few of these awful events and then decided this was how I would roll. I have a very busy social life and lots of individual and couples friends and yet I have not been invited to one of these horrors in years — because everyone knows I ‘never go to sales parties.’

    9. OhBehave*

      Do not make up a conflict. You will eventually be caught in the lie. Just thank her for the invite and politely decline; “I appreciate your invitation and it was great to catch up with you, but I am unable to attend.”

      I actually got a set of spatulas at a kitchen party 20+ years ago and I still have them! I’m an avid cook/baker so they are used all the time. Best investment ever IMO!

  58. regina phalange*

    Anyone else obsessed with all those cooking videos on FB that make everything look ridiculosuly easy? I have the culinary skills of a dung beetle and these videos make me want to cook but I am sure I’d screw everything up!

    1. Cookie D'oh*

      Yes! I pass on recipes sometimes because they seem too involved, but the videos make them seem fairly doable. It’s like a mini cooking show where you can see the end result really quickly

    2. SophieChotek*

      Yes! A friend keeps posting them and you are so right — they all look so easy…30 seconds to amazing culinary results. I have several saved…and have not tried a single one.

    3. Jillociraptor*

      I find watching them so soothing! I have made one thing and it turned out quite good, but I view them as more useful from a relaxation standpoint than a culinary one.

    4. Gadfly*

      Yes–my family made a secret page to share them all to as the things that look good but we are pretty sure we will never make. Every once in a while someone makes something and we are all suitably impressed.

    5. Artemesia*

      I have done a few of them. They are often not very good, but I do love the videos as it makes it easy to do and also to know what it is supposed to look like.

  59. The RO-Cat*

    Y’all, I just want to tell you I started the (long) process of founding an NGO / non-profit dedicated to spreading the word and practice of meditation, specifically the mindfulness variant. I don’t want to make a business of it, but I really want to put this option out there for the stressed, the angry, the suffering, those who just want a better life quality without giving in to the rat race (what we call here “the office-bed cycle”). I have a little plan, some hopes of raising just enough funds and lots of resolution. If anything, luck and/or good vibes are always welcome!

    1. fposte*

      Well, you’ve been my authority on the subject, RO-Cat, so it makes sense to me. Good luck!

      1. The RO-Cat*

        Thanks! It was a huge step from knowing to practicing. From there to, you know, actually facilitating it’s almost scary. Almost, but not quite [shy smile]

    2. Hrovitnir*

      Good luck! If you could make a minimal-woo version available to people without a lot of money I think you’d be doing a lot of good. (I’m actually A-OK with religious meditation of course, but there are some dubious variations on that and either way it’s a big obstacle to me even trying it. My psychiatrist suggested a group in my home town that has been assessed as genuinely helpful but they very much are a Buddhist organisation.)

      1. The RO-Cat*

        Thank you! My personal flavor is based solely on science, because for me religion is a way too personal issue to drag in public. So, I’ll facilitate meditation groups with my roots in science and let everyone color their personal practice however they want. I find mindfulness meditation fascinating because it can adapt to whatever canvass you like to place it on, and it still works. I’m from a profoundly Orthodox country and I’ve had conversations with some religious friends where we agreed that a prayer, done as it should be done, with all heart, soul and mind only to God, is a very good meditation. So, even if I will not introduce religion in the mix, there’s a place for it, too.

        1. Ange*

          I like the idea of meditation but as someone who can’t visualise I have never been able to really find anything that works for me.
          But it sounds like a great idea.

          1. The RO-Cat*

            Perhaps you just haven’t found yet a technique that works for you. My personal mix doesn’t involve visualizing, for example.

            I’m gonna be a little pedantic: “meditation” covers any mental exercise that focuses attention on a single subject and that requires re-focusing when the mind wanders. As such, there are countless meditation variants. “Mindfulness” means being aware non-judgementally of the present moment – the inner sensations of the body, the feelings of the body interacting with the environment and so on. One does not assess or classify sensations – just takes them in. As such, in Mindfulness Meditation the object of focus is the present moment, period. But there are forms of meditation where the object of focus is a sound – usually a mantra – or an exterior object – like watching a stone grow, for example – or a complex of imagined sensations – like drinking tea from an empty cup.

            So, if meditation is something that you want to try, I’d say keep searching until you get the right variant. For starters you might want to visit palousemindfulness – dot – com, for example. Free, online MBSR program (thus at your own pace), with lots of good guided meditations and scientifically proven to work.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      That’s awesome! I’m still shaping my practice, haha.

      We did a walking meditation exercise today and I tried to be more mindful when I took my exercise walk later. It’s the same route and the same playlist every time, so I usually just go inside my head while doing it, but today I saw a big monarch butterfly. :D

  60. Demi anon*

    Regular going anon for this. There seems to be a number of grey/ace/demi readers on this blog, and the commentariat here is fantastic, so hopefully y’all can give me some advice.

    I’m pretty firmly demisexual (maybe shading into asexual). I like being in a relationship, but I have to know someone pretty damn well before the feelings start. Sex is a non-starter until I know someone very well, and generally speaking my libido is pretty damn low even after the feelings start and it’s clear things are going there. I’m aware this drastically limits my dating options and I’ve made my peace with that.

    I’ve had one relationship previously that lasted for several years, with a much more sexual partner. Once the boundaries were made clear, we still made out happily and I had all the fireworks and all that typical of…(allo? Is that the term?)sexual people. The giddiness, the new relationship energy, etc. However, that was nearly a decade ago and I was much much younger then.

    I’m now kind of dating someone else and I really enjoy their company, I have fun, we text back and forth and I like to see them…but I’m not getting that giddiness, that new relationship energy. And…I’m not sure if I should. My previous, single (I did not date after that relationship ended) data point might’ve been helped along by a) it being my first, b) youth and c) hormones. Right now, I’m a much, much, much more even-keeled person than I was a decade ago, in temperament, in maturity, and everything else. I’m not sure if I can muster up those sparks again without the youthful hormones and first-time giddiness. However, I’m not sure if this is a feature of my sexuality…or simply that this isn’t the right person. (For the record, this is not about my ex. We are years past our breakup and in a good place with each other as friends. I’m not pining or crushing on anyone else either.)

    Demi/ace/grey people, what are your experiences?

    1. Also Anon for This*

      I’m a semi-regular going anon for this as well.

      I started dating the man I am now married to when I was wondering if I was Ace. I wasn’t sure because I hadn’t dated much before, but I was wondering and had checked out a lot of the ace resources online and one or two in person.

      Then I met the man I am now married to. I wasn’t sexually interested right away, but in about a month, I was and it was somewhat life changing for me. I am profoundly glad I found a way to be sexual. I guess I’m demi (but I’m not fond of the term, see below) but since I married the man, I don’t know if my demi-ness would apply to any other person and I don’t want to find out. I’ve also always thought I might be bi, but I love a man, so I am OK with not knowing how far that would go for me. I’m happy the way I am, with the person I am with.

      I think only you can know if this relationship is enough for you and if it what you want. I suspect that most demi-people who never meet the right person might consider themselves ace and be happy and I suspect some people who consider themselves ace may be demi in the right circumstances and be happy. I find the ace/demi/grey stuff slightly off putting now, not because I doubt that people are what they say they are, but because they encourage people to put themselves in a category- and many people, .like me, might not have enough data points to know for sure what they are in this realm. I think it is also somewhat encouraged by the internet and the desire to be part of a community- I find that teens today are deciding things about their sexuality really young- like 15 year olds who are furries or 13 year olds who are into D/S- and I worry about that. Not because it is ‘bad’ or ‘good’ but because it is a very narrow box and I don’t think that folks who are that young can know they are ONLY into sex in that way or NEVER into sex ever. We change as we grow. We change through out our life time. We need to be OK with that. If the community helps, then that is great, but I hope everyone is open to the natural changes that life brings them.

      You are older, but I hear you have limited data points as well. I’d ask you if a sexual relationship matters to you? Does it matter to your partner? Can you find a compromise that meets both your needs? Are you OK without knowing if you could feel that spark? If you can find satisfactory responses to those questions, then I think you are fine. Make yourself and your partner happy and know that you are a person who can grow and change.

      1. Demi anon*

        Heh, I only learned the term demisexual about two years ago. Before that if someone asked me my sexuality my answer would’ve been “is apathy an option?” So I hear you.

        Physical affection (hugs, cuddles, kisses, etc.) is a requirement for me. But anything that requires clothes off? I can go without, no problem…but I don’t think that’s a viewpoint shared by most people. Sex tends to be a lot of work for me, so while I can try to match a more sexual person’s libido (within reason), that person needs to be…worth the effort? I did spend some time thinking about what kissing this person would be like after one of our earlier dates, so it’s not that all physical things are off the table. Just that anything that requires removal of clothes is definitely off the table at least for now.

        I’m okay with slowing progressing as is. We are not quite far enough along to have the sex talk, but when we do I’d probably mention everything else I said above. But this experience is so different than my previous (youth and hormones and first-time giddiness-influenced) one that I wanted to see what other people thought. So far both of you seem to think that this can work and the difference in my experiences could just be my changing over the years, so that’s pretty comforting to hear.

        1. Jess R.*

          “Physical affection (hugs, cuddles, kisses, etc.) is a requirement for me. But anything that requires clothes off? I can go without, no problem…”

          Me to a T. I don’t have a ton of advice because I spent a lot of time convincing myself I did actually really like & want the stuff that requires clothes off, and I’ve only just left the relationship that made me realize I don’t. But I wanted to say that you’re not alone in those feelings!

    2. Nynaeve*

      I’m in more or less the same boat right now. It’s annoying that the cultural narrative is that you “just know” when it’s right because of a wave of romantic feelings, when that’s nowhere near my experience.

      I would pay close attention what your feelings actually are (not what you think they should be). Are you comfortable? Do you feel respected? Can you communicate well with the person? Do you feel like it’s safe to disagree or ask for what you need? Do you enjoy spending time with the person or is it awkward and forced? Are you secretly relieved if plans get canceled? Is the person a good match for the life you want? Would the person get along well with your friends, or does the mere thought of crossing the streams induce panic? Does the person demonstrate caring behaviors? Is there a good give and take, or are you doing all the work?

      My experience has been that traditional “OMG I love you so much” feelings are less likely to come from love and more likely to come from anxiety or insecurity. Even if you do feel something passionate, it may not be what you think. So, I don’t know, I’d keep a finger on the pulse of your feelings and observe how the other person treats you, but try not to overanalyze things too much.

      I hope that helps?

      1. Demi anon*

        I’m not sure if you wanted a reply or just posed some questions for me to think about, but I might as well answer them in case they inspire some more thoughts.

        This person seems very well matched for me in terms of life perspectives, hobbies, etc. I’d be quite happy to introduce them to my friends, and they’re very respectful and sensitive, we have good give and take, we alternate who pays, etc. (We are not far enough along yet to talk about sex, but in terms of physical stuff they seem to be an even slower burn than me–I hadn’t known that was possible!–so I’m happy to just keep getting to know them and broach the subject when it seems right.) In terms of physical stuff, I do like it–it’s just that I tend to stop at kisses/hugs/casual contact appropriate in public until several months in. I’ve only known this person for a few weeks, but after one of our dates I did spend some time wondering what it’d be like to kiss this person, so it’s not that all physical stuff is off the table, but sex most definitely is for a while.

        Like, for example…I’ve had a few text marathons with this person, but whereas the old me from a decade ago would be fiendishly texting my then-partner whenever I have a chance, now I’m reaching for my phone when I can, reading the messages and smiling, but also perfectly fine with waiting until a better time to reply a few hours later. I like this, I’m having fun, but I’m not getting the urgency that is the cultural hallmark of new relationship energy and what I used to feel ten years ago. Does that make sense?

        1. Nynaeve*

          Makes perfect sense. It sounds like you have a good thing going on! I think the things that actually make for a solid relationship get underrated in favor of sexual passion sometimes.

          My advice is to keep the lines of communication open and see where the other person is in terms of what they’re looking for and the types/levels of intimacy they want. See if it lines up with what you want. You may need to be extra clear about being interested in maintaining the relationship (assuming you are), because a lot of people read “not initiating/responding to sexual overtures” as “not interested.” (Yay.) This person may be a slow burn or they may be waiting for you to make the first move or waiting for a sign that a move would be welcomed. Sadly, the only way to know for sure is to lean in to the potential awkwardness and talk about it. (Yay.)

  61. SophieChotek*

    Anyone had the experience of their “internal temperature” changing?

    Just curious. Not sure I am phrasing that correctly. I used to be one of those people that was “always hot.” I truly could run around with jeans (or even shorts) and a t-shirt and a light-weight jacket in the winter when it was below freezing and be fine. Same for indoors. During the summer I was always, always hot and miserable.

    Now it is starting to warm up and everyone around me is wearing summery thing and no jackets…and I am still wearing fleece jackets, wearing gloves (even fingerless gloves inside), and wearing fleece slippers and have a fleece blanket over my legs. (I mean, yes I know I’ll be colder when I just sit in front of my computer), but still…

    It is just so different than what I remember about myself a couple years ago. I haven’t lost/gained any siginificant amounts of weight. (I could stand to lose 10-15 pounds I suppose) or had any major health issues, etc.

    I was just curious if anyone else had gone through that.

    1. Jillociraptor*

      Hmm. Not sure if this is quite the same, but even though I always “ran cold,” that intensified when I moved to the West Coast. I grew up “in Minnesota, where it’s cold” (read in the voice of Rhoda Morgenstern) and moved to California a few years ago. I used to laugh at the people wearing parkas when it dropped below 60, but I now find it genuinely cold at that temperature and wear a coat myself. Growing up, even as someone who was always cold, the first spring day above 40 was SUNDRESS WEATHER!!! for sure, so this is a source of great shame for me.

    2. HannahS*

      Kind of? I’ve definitely gone from being a very overheated person to a so-cold-I-hurt person. It’s weird. I guess it was somehow related to either fibromyalgia or the medication (an anti-epiliepsy drug) that I take for it. But I really have no idea.

    3. Colette*

      I’d suggest an appointment with your doctor. It might be nothing to worry about, but it could be something like hypothyroidism (which is very treatable but warrants medical attention).

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        Yes, I had the same thought- thyroid. Oh so treatable, but the sooner you catch it, the better.

        1. SophieChotek*

          Thanks Colette and Jessegirl72 – I will ask my doctor…when I find a doctor…and make time go in. Haven’t seen a doctor in forever; my insurance coverage keeps changing. You’re right though — I should have it checked to be sure.

    4. Anxa*

      Yep!

      I always ran warm as a kid. All of my girl friends would be out of ocean hours before me. I’d be in until dusk. I loved the AC in the summer and didn’t bring sweaters around with me all summer (although we always had sweatshirts in the car for dinner out, since it would get dark during dinner the temp would plummet). I was always the most resistant to the cold in my friend group.

      Then around 20 it all changed. And it keeps getting worse. My apartment is 71 degrees and I’m in a sweatshirt. I would probably have a blanket on too if it weren’t so nice out today (something about it being warm out keeps the chill off the sliding door in our apt.)

      My basal temp dips into the 96.5 range, so this isn’t that surprising. And yet, I am always sweaty. Probably from all the other clothes.

    5. Woman of a Certain Age*

      I used to be like this, too, always hot. I think that it is normal to gradually slow down as one gets older.

      When I was in my 20s I did not have a very healthy lifestyle. The biggest thing was that I used to smoke a lot, although I managed to quit before I turned 40. Even though I quit smoking, I now find that feel cold more often, especially in my hands and feet. I think I damaged my arteries or my ciruclation or something. After quitting, the feeling of being cold slowed down.

      Getting exercise helps and so do warm baths. I usually dress in layers and when I’m not at work I almost always wear socks with my shoes. I don’t do flip-flops or sandals anymore.

    6. Ange*

      Yes I used to be always cold. Then a few years ago it flipped and now I am usually too hot. No idea why.

    7. Someone*

      I tend to be mostly cold, but it’s partly a mental thing for me. Stress makes me feel colder.
      But then again I’m really thin, so whenever I’m more agitated/sleep deprived due to stress my body might feel that it’s time to save up on calories.

    8. The Other Dawn*

      I suggest a doctor visit and a check to see if you’re anemic.

      I’m always cold now, but I also lost a lot of weight so much of insulation is gone. Not sure if always being cold is always better than being hot. It’s annoying either way so I feel you!

      1. Spoonie*

        This. I’m fairly anemic (almost to the point of transfusions) and went from being a constant heater to a constant freezer. Echoing everyone else — find a doctor and ask.

        1. SophieChotek*

          thank you all for your suggestions. When I have my next physical I will definitely ask. It may just be getting “older”as others have said, but it would be better to know that than to ignore some more serious (or even not so serious) underlying issue.

    9. Lady Julian*

      It’s the other way around for me. Within the last year or so, I’ve gotten a little warmer, more comfortable with cool temperatures & more uncomfortable in the heat. This could be because I’ve gained 10-15 (needed) pounds in the last year, though sadly my fingers still FREEZE in any temperatures lower than 30, unless I’m wearing those huge poofy ski gloves.

    10. Artemesia*

      I went from cold to hot with mid life changes and apparently that is not going to change ever. But with a change to cold, you should have your thyroid checked if you haven’t as this is a primary symptom of low thyroid, its onset tends to be mid life and it is very easy to treat.

    11. Anonyby*

      Not me, but a friend of mine. She was always hot, and just thought that was her normal, especially since her dad’s also like that. Turns out it was because she constantly had a low-level fever due to undetected and untreated narcolepsy. Now that she’s getting it treated with meds & a steady sleep schedule, she’s no longer always hot. She’s having to acquire coats and remember to bring them with her for when it gets chilly! (She’s not always good at that yet.) She wants her dad to get tested for narcolepsy too, since he has many things in common with her that turn out to be hidden symptoms of it.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      Totally agreeing with thyroid, blood deficiencies and other ideas here.
      Moving around less than we used to will cause this. I notice that I run colder even with carrying 10-15 more pounds, it’s that much more effort for the organs to work.

      Had any diet changes lately? I am not a spicy food person and I am very good at forgetting to eat flavorful foods. Some foods cause warming, such as spices, but also chicken and others. I sit and read here for hours so I will make a cup of ginger tea to help my body keep warm. It does make a difference. Things like cauliflower, broccoli, turkey can be downers and MAY in some cases cause people to feel cooler.

      Our metabolism does slow down as we age. By aging, I mean, oh, in our 30s.

      Friends of mine have gotten into drinking mugs of warm water. No calories, no cost, helps with organ function and seems to help warm them from the inside out.

      Don’t answer here, as this is tmi. But watch the bowels, make sure they are working at least twice a day. When the bowels don’t work, all kinds of misery sets in, it messes with our mindset on top of everything else.

      If you are not getting exercise you may find that your internal thermostat comes back if you start walking regularly. I like to do the simple stuff first and see where that puts me. But failing all this, maybe a check up is a good idea.

    13. Clever Name*

      I definitely run hotter than I did before I got pregnant with my son. I used to always be cold and now I’m much more comfortable at lower temps.

    14. Jean (just Jean)*

      Warning: Possible TMI ahead.
      Notes from the other end of the experience (someone who went from cool to warm): I used to be cold and wore pull-over-the-head wool sweaters. As time passed, I became allergic to wool and then went through peri- and regular menopause. These days I overheat after not-very-much physical activity, or at the slightest upward tick of the ambient temperature. It’s kind of amusing when my spouse (who has become cold-sensitive) needs to wrap up in our comforter to stay cozy while I manage the same using only the sheet. It’s not so funny when I have to figure out which articles of clothing best withstand the perspiration that arises from my brisk stride during my daily commute.
      I dress in layers. Whether cold or hot I find that’s the only way things help.
      My doctor said that eating chocolate could encourage hot flashes. So far I’m choosing temperature flareups rather than flavor deprivation.

  62. Maida Vale*

    You know that joke “I procrastinate because I’m stressed, and I’m stressed because I procrastinate”? THAT IS ME RIGHT NOW! HELP!
    How do I break this cycle? (Like…constantly checking back on forums…ARRRH).

    Seriously, I’m in my 30s, I should be better at this by now.

    2. Dizzy Steinway*

      Recovered procrastinator here.

      First off, what’s on your to-do list (whether written or in your head)? Is it a list of actions you can actually take or is it a list of outcomes that don’t tell you what to actually do to begin? For example, ‘write paper on purple teapots’ is an outcome. It doesn’t tell you what to actually do. You need steps that each involve doing one clear thing, such as: ‘write list of key points to cover’ and ‘read paper on purple teapot spouts’.

      If you’re putting off writing something, it can help to stop thinking about grammar or spelling or writing it well and just type stream-of-consciousness style. You can edit later. If you can’t think of the right way to express that teapots can’t be mauve, just write exactly that and come back to it later.

      Reward yourself for getting things done.

      Use a Pomodoro technique app like Tomato Timer. The idea is 20 minutes on, 5 minutes off.

      Check in with yourself. Are you hungry, thirsty, in need of exercise or a rest?

      When you think of the task you need to do, what happens? Do you notice thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations? Do you feel like this task is causing them or is stress about something else attaching itself to this task?

      1. Someone*

        What do you do if you’re the type who forgets/procrastinates writing lists?
        Serious question.
        I’ve been trying to do stuff like you’ve suggested for years and years and frickin’ YEARS, but I always end up forgetting that I’ve been wanting to do this.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I anchor new habit to an old habit.

          If I do a list I do it at night. If I wanted to do a list every day I would anchor it making coffee in the morning. I always make a cup of coffee when I get up, so set up the coffee pot and start the list.

          I have anchored my prep for the next day to cooking dinner. While dinner is cooking away, I gather what I need for tomorrow.
          Cleaning garbage out of my car is anchored to getting my gas tank filled up. There’s always a garbage can near by.
          I tie odd things together this way and stuff gets done. Sometimes it gets encumbered. I anchored picking up trash in the yard to my dump day. Getting ready to go to the dump takes a couple hours because of all these little things I have anchored to dump day.

          1. Someone*

            What a curious idea!
            I might actually try that. I also drink coffee in the morning, as a rule, so that might just work.

            Although honestly a good part of the problem now is that I tried so often I pretty much gave up on ever changing. Getting more organized is something I roughly attempted again and again every autumn and spring (according to school years/semesters) for over a decade… there’s the point when you start to wonder why you’re even trying.
            But I’m moving in with my boyfriend this month, so there’s quite a big change in my life ahead of me. So… new start? Again?

            Any further ideas for helping my Münchhausen situation (attempts of getting organized getting lost in disorganization, procrastination stopping to procrastinate…) would be much appreciated.
            I’m the kind of person who has trouble with using calendars due to:
            – forgetting to carry it with me
            – carrying it with me but forgetting the write an appointment in there
            – writing down the wrong date
            – forgetting to check for appointments in there

            I’m slowly getting better, though. For the past semesters I at least wrote exam dates in the calendar! And last semester I even managed to write dates on almost all my lecture notes!

            At least my boyfriend has no misconceptions about my organizational skills. I hope.

    3. Sylvia*

      20/10s, similar to Pomodoro, which I learned from Unfuck Your Habitat. Taking on a project feels overwhelming, but I feel more confident about 20 minutes of work with a 10-minute break coming. It’s almost always easier or less time-consuming than I expect.

    4. Artemesia*

      I never conquered it. But I sort of managed it. When I was truly stuck I would write a list of all things I needed to do from trivial to major and then do some of the things easy to cross off. i.e. If I am avoiding project X then at least I use the time to get projects Y and Z done. I once had a writing project that I couldn’t seem to do, so I wrote another article to publish and sent it off — something minor and easy — but just having a small win keeps me going.

      When writing a long project like a book, I write the parts I like best first and work out from there. With big projects it is nice to divide them into tiny parts and then you do the easy parts to get them out of the way. Somehow the hard parts are not as hard when everything else is done.

      There is something very reinforcing about just crossing off things done.

    5. beem*

      I feel you. I’m a procrastinator. This post (linked in my name) might not be about your exact problem but after I read it, a lot of things started to make sense. And it’s pretty funny, too. It kinda slapped some sense into me, but not in a face-slapping way. More like a butt-smackin’-Go-Get-‘Em-Cornflake kinda way.

  63. Science!*

    A couple weeks ago I posted about my dog whose arthritis progressed to the point that we were considering putting him to sleep. We put him to sleep Monday and it was a difficult day but I really appreciate my vets office so much. They arranged it so there wasn’t any appointments prior to ours so we didn’t have to deal with lots of other people with their pets. We got to be in a back room and stay with my pup the whole time. We were allowed as much time as we needed and when it happened it was quick and peaceful. Our vet talked to us before about exactly what was going to happen. And after we were allowed as much time as we needed to say goodbye.

    Then today we received a really nice card with personal comments from the vet and vet tech as well as a paw print for us to keep. I miss my dog, but I know it was the right decision.

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      I’m sorry you had to say goodbye to him. But it’s really good that you had such a supportive experience. The paw print is a beautiful idea. My condolences for your loss <3

    2. dear Liza dear liza*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad the vet’s office was so compassionate. Run free, Science dog.

    3. nep*

      Sorry for your loss.
      Indeed sounds like you did right by your dog. And how wonderful that your vet office accommodated you like that. Very heartening to hear.

    4. dawbs*

      We were there too recently. (we had our dog put down a few weeks ago)

      I”m glad you had a good vet–they are priceless.

      I”m sorry for your loss, I’m glad there was peace. It’s a hard decision, but generally, if you’re conflicted and making the decision, it’s the right one, as hard as that is.

    5. Amadeo*

      A vet’s office that is graceful when it’s time to handle a euthanasia is priceless. It can make or break ‘repeat’ clients when they decide to get a new pet. It sounds like yours has perfected this art and that’s wonderful. I’m sorry to hear about your pup, but it sounds like as far as making the ‘best’ of a bad thing, it worked out.

    6. Jessesgirl72*

      I’m so sorry for your loss! But you did the brave and right thing!

      I bite my tongue so much at people who prolong their pets’ suffering because they aren’t ready to let go. I’m so glad everyone is at peace with the decision.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I’m so sorry. I’m glad it went this well, though. What a lovely vet’s office.
      I wish that had been the case for Pig. But I donated her things to her vet and they gave me a card too.

    8. Rogue*

      This makes me so sad for you. I’m sorry you lost your pup, but glad he’s no longer hurting. *hugs*

  64. Lupina*

    I have a question about something that was in a letter last week. I didn’t want to ask in the question at the time to de rail everything or be unfair by going off of topic or taking over from the other four letter writers.

    In the letter where someone was calling her fellow worker by a neutral name for gender why is this a bad thing. I’m sorry but I do not understand. Her fellow worker is not being called a man just neutral. Why would it be a bad thing to call her this and why would she get upset at the letter writer. I am sorry for not understanding. In in the country I came from no one talks about gay or not binary and english is not my mother tongue. So I had a hard time understanding it so much.

    1. Dizzy Steinway*

      So everyone has their own particular relationship with a) gender and b) words that describe gender. For one person, being described in gender-neutral terms is no big deal, or something they actively want. For another person it is a big deal, perhaps because they feel it’s implying something about their appearance (eg I’m tall with broad shoulders and if someone kept calling me by non-binary pronouns after I asked them to use female pronouns I’d probably have flashbacks to school bullying). It all depends on the individual – there isn’t one objectively correct way to feel.

      None of these terms are objectively offensive or inoffensive, but they all have the potential to be both. You can determine what they mean for you, but you can’t determine what they mean for someone else. Furthermore, if someone says they would like to be described using particular words, that’s something they have the right to ask for – you don’t get to have the power of veto over their preferences.

    2. Sylvia*

      It’s okay. We all have to start somewhere. :) I’m part of the LGBT community myself, but it wasn’t okay to talk about those things growing up, so I had to learn more later.

      It’s because the female coworker is a “she.” Using the wrong pronoun for someone is like using the wrong name. It’s okay if it’s an accident and you fix it, but it’s not okay to do it on purpose. Imagine if someone thinks the name Sylvia doesn’t fit me, so he calls me Forest*. It’s not male like Sylvester, but it’s still a misstep.

      *(Is Forest actually in use as a gender-neutral name?)

      1. Kj*

        From my hippie college days, all nature words are gender neutral. We had male and female Rivers, an agender Moss and female Lichen.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Except here in the South, where I’ve known women named Grant, Dalton, Graham… All bets are off in the South! :)

    3. Apollo Warbucks*

      I can’t think of the best way to put this but I’ll give it a go, the pronouns being used weren’t just neutral (like they or them) but actively refused to acknowledge the gender of the coworker, by not referring to her as female.

      In the end I think it comes down to respecting other people and referring to them as they’ve asked to be referred to.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        I think you’ve got the essence here. It’s not that she was actively being described in one way, so much that she was NOT being described in the way she asked to be.

      2. HannahS*

        Yeah. The pronouns being used weren’t actually gender neutral, they were actively non-binary. To give an example:
        I am a woman.
        a) If uses traditional pronouns and refers to me as “she,” then they are acknowledging that I am a woman. This is fine for me, because I am a woman.
        b) If someone uses gender-neutral pronouns and refers to me as “they,” then they are acknowledging that I might be a man, a woman, or neither. This is also fine for me, because I am included in that pronoun.
        c) If someone insists on using non-binary pronouns, then they are insisting that I am NEITHER a woman nor a man. This is not fine for me, because I am a woman.
        There was an added weirdness where the OP seemed to be OK with correctly gendering transgender co-workers, but not this woman. Treating people unequally was part of what wasn’t acceptable. Either everyone needs to be referred to by their preferred pronouns (which can be traditional or non-binary) or everyone gets gender-neutral ones.

    4. BRR*

      Because people get to choose what pronouns to go by. Purposely disregarding a person’s preference is pretty rude in my opinion. It feels sort of like if someone is named Thomas and goes by Thomas but someone only will call him tom or tommy.

    5. TL -*

      Because for a lot of people, their gender is a really important part of their identity and refusing to acknowledge it is akin to refusing to acknowledge them. (Or, at the very least, the person they perceive themselves to be.)

      I wouldn’t care what pronouns people used to refer to me; I wouldn’t be super fond of being called “ze” type non-canon pronouns, but that would be more my disconnection from them as words; being called he or they would not bother me. My friend, on the other hand, would be really bothered by being called by masculine or neutral pronouns; she is a woman and prefers to be referred to that way.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      Another angle is that women have their own struggles that often actively conflict with trans activism. Women have been oppressed based on their biology and identification as women for…basically forever. It really sucks when someone, for their own activist reasons, tries to erase that history and struggle by saying that gender doesn’t matter and shouldn’t be acknowledged.

      It’s like when people try to say that this is a post-racial society and they “don’t even see race anymore.” It’s a way of avoiding the actual issues at hand, because any non-white person will tell you that race still matters. When a trans person tells a woman that her womanhood isn’t worth acknowledging, that woman is entitled to speak up against that.

    7. Temperance*

      It’s because this person was effectively misgendering their colleague by refusing to use her chosen pronouns, and then the LW felt the need to ask whether the colleague was a transgender woman.

      I’m a woman and a feminist. I’m proud of being a woman and love all things feminine. If you called me “they” or “ze”, I would be mightily annoyed after the first time I corrected you. I present as female, and I think being a woman is a wonderful thing.

      It also felt like the LW was pushing their own ideas about gender on their colleagues. Nonbinary is absolutely fine, and needs to be respected …. but so do those of us who are binary.

    8. Artemesia*

      Because the OP was trying to force her personal agenda on other people. It is akin to forcing someone who prefers Mrs. to go by Ms. (no insult if it is unknowingly done, but when someone expresses a preference, you honor it) Gender neutral pronouns are not the norm; most people don’t even know what they are and so it is not just a natural thing one does but an attempt to proselytize.

    5. New girl*

      For everyone asking for a photo: http://imgur.com/a/u0Cfu

      Her name is Minnie and she is a corgi!

      Before I got her, I said she would 100% not sleep in bed with me and my SO. Guess who’s currently asleep laying next to me? :(

      4. Not So NewReader*

        You got snookered in, didn’t you? Ha! Me, too. I think it’s the eyes.
        She’s adorable. Enjoy!

  66. Rebecca*

    Just a quick update on my post last week about my Dad. We went to the oncologist, and the news isn’t good. The CT scan shows not only lesions, but a mass as well, and the pancreas, liver, and spleen are involved. I’m taking him for a needle biopsy early Monday AM, but it’s just to confirm the obvious. There are palliative things that can be done, that’s it.

    Dad’s pretty much confined to his chair now. For reference, a month ago he was up and around, working in his shop, starting to complain he didn’t feel quite right. The doctor says this has probably been brewing for a while. I asked what we could have done, but the doctor says this is how these types of cancer operate – under the radar, sneaky, and when symptoms appear, it’s often too late.

    Now I’m taking on the grim tasks of learning to do the stuff my Dad does at the house that my Mom has no clue about. Today’s task was cleaning out the central vacuum canister, and in a few days, I’m going to learn how to put the filters in their water system and check the light thing, whatever that does. Thanks to my phone, I can set a reminder for every X weeks to do these things. I got the higher toilet seat installed and the shower chair from Dad’s hip replacement out of storage and into the bathroom. I managed to get all the branches cleaned up in the yard, tracked down our neighborhood lawnmower guy to get the riding mower blades sharpened and the oil changed (I know how to do it but it’s better to pay him than to take the time myself), and I finally convinced Mom to get someone to do cleaning once per week. She starts the week after next. We’re going to pay her cash, Dad knows both her and her husband, and we can trust her.

    I manage to hold everything together when I’m around them, but I had some hard times today. I used Dad’s truck to take the recycling to our neighborhood drop off point, since we don’t have curbside recycling everywhere here, and people waved at me, and I know they thought it was him, but I still waved and smiled. When I got back to their house, which is the house I grew up in, I got the recycling containers back in the garage under the house, then went to the outside garage and workshop to get a screwdriver to tighten up the screws in the shower chair, and I spotted Dad’s fireman’s engineer helmet. He told me last Fall he wanted to be buried with it. I grabbed it, hugged it, and just started to cry. I cried for a little while, then got hold of myself, and went back in. I don’t think Mom noticed since my glasses were dark from being outside.

    I keep telling myself, one day at at time, baby steps, and we will all get through this. I have to say my coworkers have been awesome, and my managers the same, people are covering for me, helping me to stay caught up when I take time off, so I don’t have any stress on the work front. I’m working with Mom to not let things go (like leaving the car get to almost no gas before she says something or running out of milk, that type of thing).

    So the next step will be to get someone to stop by during the day while I’m at work on non-cleaning days. I’m also looking into a ride service for Mom.

    Thanks for letting me share. This is all very new, very difficult, and I’m the only child, so no siblings to lean on for support.

    1. Sibley*

      I’m so sorry! It’s hard, being the adult child and having to assume the adult role for your parents. Even harder knowing that you’re going to lose a parent.

      If you can, please find a support group, therapist, whatever for you. Everyone will think about your parents, but if you fall apart, who steps in?

    2. fposte*

      Oh, Rebecca, that’s just hard, and you are doing amazing. Thanks for telling us how it’s going.

    3. Marcela*

      I am truly sorry. Seriously. There are some pains that nobody should be exposed to. I’ll tell you what everybody has been telling me: do not take things one day at a time if that is too much. Just 5 seconds is enough. Many hugs and take care.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I can’t even imagine what you’re dealing with. I’m glad you have some support from your coworkers. Do you have any local friends that you can lean on as well?

      Make sure you take time out for self care.

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I’m glad you checked in. This is hard, and it sucks, but you’re doing a great job.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Ditto. Sending you moral support and many compliments for coping so competently, even when you just want to curl up and cry. Glad your coworkers are so helpful. Please do a good job taking care of yourself, also! You can’t help others if you’re 100% collapsing internally.

    7. Dizzy Steinway*

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. No advice, other than to look for some support for yourself e.g. organisations that support people caring for someone with cancer. And internet stranger hugs if wanted.

    8. Colleen*

      Sweetie, we mourn our loved ones before they die. Take this time to revel in your father’s presence and your memories of him. My father died a month ago tomorrow, and I find that I did much of my mourning before he died. Hugs to you.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Oh my, yes this is so true. We grieve their illness/suffering just as much/maybe more as we grieve their passing.

        OP, a good thing to remember is that this is a PART of their life story, it is NOT the sum total of their life story.

        Colleen, I am sorry for your loss. My thoughts go out to you and yours.

    9. Raia*

      You are doing a great job. If taking things a day at a time overwhelms you, take on 15 minutes or whatever you can tolerate. And when the grief comes at random times, give yourself some space and grace. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too – your health is now very important. Set timers for you to remember to eat and sleep if that’s what it takes.

      I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Internet stranger hugs. Thank you for telling us.

    11. SophieChotek*

      I am so sorry; this sounds like such a difficult time for you. I remember your earlier post when your Dad’s cancer was first discovered. Thank you for updating us. I am glad it sounds like your coworkers are there and may they continue to be supportive.All the best — with virtual good wishes —

    12. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      I’m so very sorry, this is such a hard thing. My mom declined over five years so we had more time but she died in my 20s, and neither my father or brother were any help, I leaned on close friends for emotional support. I truly hope you have a few friends who can lend a hand or an ear when you need it – do let yourself lean on them too, as you need it.

    14. Rebecca*

      Thank you so much for the comments, you have no idea how much it means. I have friends, but like me, they all work full time, have families, activities, etc. but are available if I need to talk. Hospice is available here, so if/when it comes to that, we can get more care. My next step will be to contact the office of the aging to see how to get more help.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Good. You are making really good choices here, Rebecca. It’s better to pull in too much help and tell them, “oh, sorry”, than not have enough help. So keep pulling people in. And this is good for your mother also, for her to see people coming to help. As another only child I know how these things can get bigger and bigger.

        When my husband got sick and eventually passed, my beloved aunt gave me a firm talking to. She said, “Tell people ‘yes’.” She said that some things in life are so big we no longer have the luxury of telling people,”No, I am okay here.” That luxury is over. Say yes, even if it is something you could do yourself. Let’s say your folks have a neighbor who LOVES to mow, s/he volunteers to mow for your parents. You have mentioned that you can mow, so this is why I am using this example. Tell the neighbor yes. The reason is other things come up suddenly and unpredictably, you will have time to do these other things if you let go of some of these things that people can easily volunteer to do.

        And honestly, when you let people do things, you are allowing them to process their own grief. “Harry and Mabel have been such great neighbors, this is the one thing that I actually can do for them. It’s a privilege for me to give back some of what they gave me.”

    15. Victoria, Please*

      Many hugs and much empathy. Been there, but with two super competent siblings it was far easier for me. It sounds like you are doing a champion job.

  67. Merci Dee*

    So, I’ve recently decided that buying a house is the smart move for me right now. I’ve been renting this place for almost 9 years now. My landlady has been fabulous, but it’s time. She’s in her 80s, and has a couple of health issues that prevent her from living alone. Her younger sister has lived with her for 15 or so years, but sister is planning to move back to Georgia in August to be closer to family. I have no idea what’s going to happen with my landlady after the move. Home health visits every day? Moving in with one of her kids? Moving in to an assisted living facility? Not sure. Pretty good chance, though, that if it’s the facility, my rent goes up to help pay for it. And, frankly, this house isn’t worth more every month than I’m paying.

    Thankfully, the pre-approval process was fast and smooth, with a great result. Now I’m looking at some local properties with a great buyer’s agent. She’s determined to put me in the =right= home, not just any house. Looking at places with my agent has been really fun … so far. But only about one week and a couple trips around town in the process.

    My folks were so thrilled when I told them I’m looking at places. They’ve been begging me to get out of here for ages. Let’s just hope they’re still so enthused when I ask for help with the eventual move!!! :)

    1. moss*

      Congrats! Often the lender will pre-approve a number that is way higher than a cautious person will want to meet. In other words they will lend you a ton of money where that might not actually fit into your budget. So just evaluate that carefully. But enjoy your search and your (eventual) new home!

  68. Dizzy Steinway*

    I just picked up my new prescriptions this afternoon and it’s only now I’ve sat down to look at all the instructions and work out what to take tonight that I’ve realised I feel quite overwhelmed and stressed as I now have six different medications to take.

    I have some health problems. I am used to taking the same meds every day. Two of A twice a day, one of B and C once a day. Things have been stable for a long time. Now some extra issues have been detected in my last round of blood tests and I now have drug D to also take daily, drug E to only take on certain days and drug F to start daily once I’ve taken drug E for a certain amount of time. My head is about to explode.

    I’m so used to taking my other meds that I recognise the names and the tablets themselves, and know how many to take and when without checking any instructions. I feel like a walking pharmacy. I feel really upset that I have to keep track of all this crap.

      1. Merci Dee*

        When my paternal grandmother was alive, my parents and I used to laugh at all the meds my grandmother used to keep in a metal pan – slightly larger than a loaf pan. She’d sit down to take her meds in the morning or night, and would go through each of her bottles to tell us what they were and what they did.

        My grandmother had been gone for almost 15 years, and Dad now uses her pan for his own meds. And he’ll tell me what each one is and what it does. And we still laugh and think about my wonderful grandmother.

        Part of his laughter comes from realizing he’s gotten to the point where his mother had been. And part of mine is knowing, before long, the pan will be mine and I’ll do the same thing with my daughter. And I’ll think of my grandmother and my father the whole time, and how much fun they could have with the most ordinary things.

        If it makes you feel better, both my grandmother and my father have way more than six meds. :)

        1. Dizzy Steinway*

          Somehow the pan made me laugh. I keep my meds in my bedroom so I think I’m laughing at the incongruity of having what I’m picturing as a baking tin in there.

          1. Merci Dee*

            Yep, it was a baking tin. Probably 6 x 8, with 4 inch sides. She kept hers on the kitchen counter. Be careful of meds in the bathroom, though. Humidity can mess with efficacy.

    2. Rebecca*

      I’m sorry, that has to be difficult! If you have a smartphone (I have an android tracfone), maybe you could use the calendar or event reminder system to alert you when the take E and F? I use a daily pill caddy with Sunday through Saturday, AM and PM but even though I only take a few things, it really helps.

      1. Rookie Manager*

        I would second using your smart phone. I use transdermal patches that need changing every 3 days, without the ‘patch alarm’ on my phone I’d be lost. Before the patch I had a collection of different meds so a collection of alarms. I still have the ‘wake up, take A’ alarm go off 15 minutes before my ‘get up’ alarm. These alarms simultaniously keep me sane and drive my partner mad!

        1. mreasy*

          I use a medication app – there are a few available – that has alarms that go off every half hour til you mark the medication as taken. I am finding it really helpful.

    3. Merely*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this! Not sure if you’re asking for advice or just venting, so feel free to ignore this if it isn’t helpful. But I’ve found that putting alarms / alerts in my phone helps me to keep track of medications. Then I don’t need to use as much mental space trying to remember everything.

    4. MoodyMoody*

      Maybe you could invest in a weekly pill container that has compartments for each day, especially one with multiple slots per day. They are quite common here in the States (not sure about UK, where I think you are), and they aren’t very expensive. You take a few minutes every week to sort out your pills and you’re good to go. My parents-in-law use these containers religiously.

      1. msroboto*

        Yes get pill containers to organize. I setup one for someone and I recommend finding something that is deep enough to include any vitamins you may be taking.

        Google for Deep Weekly 4 Compartments Per Day Pill Organizer. They also make a 2 compartment one depending on your needs.

        Also, I setup alarms on the cell phone for pill taking times.

      2. Dizzy Steinway*

        I did think about this but all my pills come in blister packs, not bottles, so I’d have to cut them up or press them out.

        1. Gadfly*

          Well, please ignore me saying the same thing below. That sucks. Maybe make a weekly chart so it isn’t you having to think? Just read or even a visual one?

    5. Ellen*

      Back patting and sympathy. Each new med means there is something ELSE wrong with me.

      Totally sucks.

    6. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      This made me smile as I was just griping the other day that between the dog and me, we require a small portable pharmacy. He gets two medications and two supplements a day, I take four different types of pills a day, and that’s just to keep us both going!
      I pour each dose into a little dish before I take it because there are so many, if I just swallow them one at a time, I’ll lose track halfway through. My empathies.

    7. Gadfly*

      Hugs–I feel you. I was never on meds, and then I got to deal with some hyperplaysia in Dec and got put on a progesterone and developed diabetes and was put on metformin and then we found out both are probably mostly caused by a pituitary tumor so I’m now on bromocriptine to deal with that. And then extra supplements for things like b12 to counter the metformin affecting absorption… and each time I have labs I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop and me to need more.

      I ended up getting one of those huge pill cases that are designed to do 4x’s a day for a week. Since all of mine are take with food or neutral, I use it to set up 2 weeks (morning/night) of pills so it is easy to see if I’ve taken them. My husband has to split them as morning without food/morning with food and the same in the evening, so has a couple to set up a few weeks. It makes life MUCH easier than even just dealing with my three twice a day.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        Pills with food would finish me off – mine can at least just be taken with water.

        1. Gadfly*

          With a couple of them if I don’t, I’m nauseous. But one of them is an appetite surpressant on top of everything else (and another triggers it, but that is a different problem.) I finally gave in and got pre-mixed protein shakes so I can just chug one in the morning and have enough to work with without dealing with food or food prep while being green at the gills.

    8. Artemesia*

      It is easy to confuse this stuff. The first thing I would do is get one of those pill holders that has morning and evening for a week and organize your doses morning and evening so you only have to dump the right stuff into your hand and take it each morning and evening.

      If you have other times e.g. noon, get a second weekly pill thing.

      I do this when traveling so I don’t have to fiddle with several bottles and keep track. If it is a long trip I just reorganize the thing every week. This way I don’t forget or double dose or whatever.

      1. MoodyMoody*

        I’d made the same suggestion, but Dizzy’s pills are in blister packs, which sucks.

  69. Legalchef*

    holycrapimhavingababyin10weeksandamsonotready!!!!!!

    *deep breath*

    So… baby. In 10 weeks. And we have nothing picked out or ordered – stroller, car seat, crib, etc. I’m feeling just a tad overwhelmed.

    1. CAA*

      It’s ok, really. The only things you must have during the first couple of weeks are a car seat, some diapers and a couple of blankets. Everything else you can get later on, even a crib and clothing. Prioritize and get those few things you’ll need immediately taken care of, then just do whatever else you want when you’re ready, even if it’s after the baby is born.

    2. Book Lover*

      Yup, just get a car seat. You’ll be fine. Babies don’t need much, honestly. If you plan to breast feed, maybe get some lanolin balm, a couple of bras and tops you’ll be able to use. I think it can be useful to have a pump, and that should be free via insurance.

    3. No Name Yet*

      I’ve been there – the only reason we had what we did was because I delivered two weeks late. CAA is right, there are very few things you actually need for a newborn.

      Assuming you’re in the US, you absolutely need an infant car seat, so go pick one of those. All of them are going to be safe, so you’ll be fine with whatever you pick. If you want to be extra fancy, get a stroller frame that you can snap the car seat into – that will be a cheap and light stroller that will get you through 6-12 months. And at that point you’ll have a better idea of how you’re likely to actually use a ‘real’ stroller.

      Get a couple of packs of newborn diapers, and some onesies – if you have people in your life who will buy you baby things, you will likely get onesies. We had our son sleep in a pack-n-play in our room for about 4 months, so if that feels less fraught than picking out a crib, maybe go for that for now.

      But seriously, it’ll be okay. Our son is 20 months and we never got around to decorating the nursery, and he’s just fine. Also – congrats!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Pack-n-play. I am reading in a history book that people emptied out their largest dresser drawer and kept their newborn in the dresser drawer with them. I guess you really don’t need a lot…;)

    5. dawbs*

      you will be fine. Babies survive with nothing pre-prepared. COngrats!
      (and this stage is a part of normal “WTF am I thinking? who thought it was a good idea entrusting me with a baby?” part of life, I think)

      THe baby needs a place to sleep–that’s easier than it seems (Finnish baby-box anyone? http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-22751415), it can be a crib, it can be a box, it can be something else. you can find something. If you don’t buy it now, it is FINE. baby will survive.

      Baby needs a way to get home, so, a car-seat. For the ‘baby bucket’ type seat for newborns, if there will be more than 1 car used to transport the baby, find something that you can buy a 2nd base for the 2nd car. ANd buy the LIGHTEST baby-bucket you can fnd. Because if it’s a 20 lb seat, when you have 20 lb of sleeping baby in the sucker, it feels like a rock filled with rocks that ate other rocks when you’re lugging the bundle of lead-filled-concrete around some days.
      (the ones that have a ‘jog’ in the handle are easier to carry, IMO)
      (Don’t make yourself crazy on this w/ researching. THere are ‘good’ carseats’ and ‘better’ carseats, but car seats all passed safety testing in order to be sold. Not that there isn’t some difference, but…there isn’t one perfect seat for all situations. Do what research you need, but pick something and don’t panic)

      Baby needs something to wear. Diapers in appropriate sizes. everything else is gravy–don’t worry about clothes (people will buy them for you, because people LIKE buying baby clothes. And babies can relax in PJs 24-7, so, whatever you end up with will be fine)

      Baby needs to eat–if you’re nursing, you can grab a tube of lanisoh and buy the rest as you decide what you need. If you’re feeding formula, grab some, and some bottles. that’s all you need.

      You may want a stroller eventually, but don’t need one today. You may want a wrap to baby-wear, you don’t need one today. You way want swaddlers and boppies and cute outfits and nursing pads and teethers–those are GREAT things. I would reccomend some of them.

      But you don’t need it all. you just need baby to able to sleep, eat, have diapers, and a way to transport.
      All of the rest you can deal w/ later.
      don’t panic.
      ANd congrats :)

    6. Jessesgirl72*

      16 weeks here.

      My MIL tried to tell us that we shouldn’t buy anything except diapers and then pick up everything else after we bring the baby home.

      Said baby will be 3 weeks old before we come “home” so we are ignoring her, and buying things as we see them. Or as my Amazon rewards points add up (paid for the crib that way) Even if we weren’t going to be spending the first weeks in a country where we don’t speak the language all that well, I really don’t see my sleep deprived going shopping with a newborn as the best case scenario. ;)

      There are lots of helpful lists of must haves out there on the internet, that seem sensible to me- with how many onesies, diapers, pants, sleepers, etc you are realistically going to need. It’s not really THAT much. You could totally knock it out in a couple hours at Babies R Us or an Amazon order.

      1. Merci Dee*

        When I was pregnant with my daughter (lo, these many years ago), I spent the last half of my pregnancy stocking up on diapers and wipes. I’d buy one pack of diapers every week, and a multi-pack of wipes every other week. Bought 3 packs of newborn diapers, lots of size 1, and a handful of size 2 packs. By the time my girl was born, I had enough diapers for 6 months, and wipes for a year.

        I was so glad I stocked up on those 2 things. Everything else, we could pick up as needed, but babies always need clean, covered butts. :)

        1. Red Reader*

          As a baby shower gift, I sent my brother and wife a box of diapers in whatever size and brand they had my nephew in at the time for his first year. (I lived on the other side of the country. Amazon didn’t stop showing me baby ads until little man was three :-P ) so if anyone asks what you want for a shower gift…

    7. Jubilance*

      If you need help figuring out what to buy/register for out of the 8 million options, check out Lucia’s List. They have great info on car seats, strollers, etc and helped me figure out what would be best for us. And their weekly emails are GREAT for first time parents.

    8. Artemesia*

      All a new baby needs is a box to sleep in and stuff you can get at the grocery store and Mom for food. (or line up formula and bottles if you go that way) Seriously — a few clothes, disposable diapers and a place to sleep — and a car seat. The only big fat emergency deal is the car seat as you want to get the one you want there. But everything else — don’t worry about it. We used to sleep our son in dresser drawers when we traveled with him. Put the drawer on a bed and lined it with something soft. He did fine. They put them in cardboard boxes in Finland (cute boxes that come with baby supplies — but really just boxes) Little babies don’t need much.

      And don’t buy too much of anything. My kids were long and the onsies they had when they were babies never fit right so all of those were a total waste. You can add things as you go and of course these days you can order stuff on Amazon at the last minute if you run out or think of something you need.

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        You don’t line the box with anything soft. Babies need to sleep on something firm- no blankets, not toys, nothing but the baby.

        SIDS has dropped by 29% with the new guidelines.

        1. Artemesia*

          I am not putting a small baby on bare wood to sleep. YMMV. Seriously, of course you put in a soft pad or something under them.

    9. Legalchef*

      Thanks for the tips and votes of confidence, everyone. One of my friends came over today and helped me organize what is in the baby’s room (because we were using it basically as storage) and figure out what furniture to put where, so I feel a lot calmer!

    10. New Bee*

      Congratulations; you can do it!

      For what it’s worth, my kid’s nearly 5 months and I still occasionally marvel that someone entrusted me with her. :-)

  70. anon mom*

    Semi regular going anon. So I apologize this is too political (please delete if it is, it’s not my intention to start anything). I’m the mother of a mixed race child, who has a black father. My son has darker skin and does not pass for being white (not that I think it’s a bad thing but for the purposes of this post). I have been really aware of helping my son find his place in the world. I had taken him to BLM meetings in the past but in our city they have now change the criteria and their meetings are not open to me. I have no issues with this and don’t seek to change it or fight them. I respect their position completely.

    Where I am stuck is that my son is too young to attend on his own. His father is not in the picture and we don’t have a relationship with anyone from his family. My son is disappointed that we can’t go because there is no one we know who meets the criteria for the meeting is available to take him. He is really upset and I hate seeing him be so upset. I don’t know what I am looking for, advise, recommendations or anything else but I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you.

    (And again my intention is not to start anything or cause any tension.)

    1. CAA*

      Is the group on Facebook? Could you post your dilemma there and see if they’d let you drop him off and pick him up afterwards? Maybe find a coffee shop nearby where you can wait for him.

      1. anon mom*

        I’m not comfortable with him going alone or with someone I don’t know. He is too young. I’m struggling with him being upset at not being able to go for the time being. I know I can’t bubble or protect him from ever being hurt, but it still sucks to see him hurting.

        1. Artemesia*

          You may have tried this already but can you talk with the organizer about your dilemma and see if they will make an exception for you as your son’s caretakers. Traditionally in segregated areas of the US, black nannies could accompany their white charges in the ‘white’ section of transport because the white child was the passenger. I know that is an unlovely way to think of yourself since you are your son’s mother and not employee but it is a similar principal. Your son is the participant and you are the caregiver that makes his participation possible. It would be like a white nurse accompanying a disabled black participant.

          It is either that or having a black friend you trust who can take him. I would think having black friends would be important regardless so perhaps start with activities like an integrated church where you could find more role models and friends of his race to be part of your day to day life. BLM is not the only place for him to participate with people of his race.

    2. Call me St. Vincent*

      That’s absolutely nuts that their meetings aren’t “open” to you as the mother of a biracial child accompanying your child and as an ally of the BLM movement. That is incredibly disappointing and, to me, counterproductive to the movement. I would look into mentoring programs or other programs that might be geared towards kids your son’s age and that might give him involvement with the African-American community.

      1. New Bee*

        Oftentimes spaces for POC are closed to White people because of negative experiences with folks centering themselves, speaking for/over marginalized people, or derailing/expecting to be educated on Racism 101. Dr. Beverly Tatum’s book [i]Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?[/i] is a good primer on racial identity development any why POC-centered spaces are necessary (and not anti-White).

        OP, since you mentioned trying to help your son find his place in the world, I’d recommend the book to you too. I think the suggestions below about widening your/his social circle are good ones–it’s unclear whether part of the issue is that you don’t have any adult Black friends to entrust him with. If so, working on that could be a good way to build a community for both of you and to get some support in helping him navigate his identity as a Black child.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          I understand the concerns. I was specifically talking about the decision of the local chapter to exclude this particular mother who is trying to accompany her child to the meeting.

          1. New Bee*

            I’m not seeing where they’re excluding her specifically? From comments below it sounds like she hasn’t spoken to the organizers directly.

    3. K.*

      Have you considered Big Brothers/Big Sisters, or another mentoring or social program? Widening his social circle to include more people of color, especially Black people, would benefit him.

      1. anon mom*

        He is in a program like Big Brothers, and a Sunday school / youth program at an historically black church (one that is open to anyone). I do my best to ensure he is around other people of color but unfortunately his big brother and those I am friends with from the church are unavailable to take him. I will be looking to find other programs for him in the interm. I still hate seeing him hurt over this though.

    4. Kj*

      Can you approach a leader and explain your dilemma? I doubt they mean to exclude biracial kids and they likely don’t want the responsibility of a kid w/o a parent. Maybe they can make an exception. If they can’t be flexible, can you ask them for other resources to support your child?

      I feel bad for your son! Being mixed race is hard enough in America! Are their any meet-ups for mixed race kids in the area you live in? My city has some. Could you post to the BLM Facebook or something and asked if other families have kids and maybe try to sponsor a kid-get-together?

      1. anon mom*

        Unfortunately there are no exceptions to the policy and they are clear on who is welcome and allowed to attend.

        The idea about speaking to other parents I know is a good one. Thank you. I will do that.

    5. Ruffingit*

      Is there someone at his school that may be willing to take him? A black principal, adviser, teacher? Someone like that that you know and trust?

    6. Dan*

      While I have no advice, I have empathy about the mixed race thing. When I was a teen, the dominant minority group was Native American Indian. My high school was 25% Native American. We had separate grade schools but integrated for HS.

      Socially speaking, the most challenging identity to have was half Native American/Half Caucasian. The white kids thought you were too dark to be white, and the Native Americans thought you were too light to be Native.

      In junior high, I was going to have a gf who was half native/half white, and walked away from it because I couldn’t deal with the social pressure.

      My cousin is half black (went to school a few towns over) and TBH, he’s had a hell of a time dealing with his mixed-race identity in an all-white region.

      Good luck.

      1. Gadfly*

        My husband is half African American and half white Puerto Rican. And he had the same problem. He remembers picking a younger half sister up from preschool (he’s a couple of years older) and kids teasing her about having a “white” brother that got him young and most recently an older sister got removed from any and all equivalents of a christmas card list for saying something pretty similar (like, he wasn’t allowed to have an opinion about being a black man because of it…). He grew up in New York in public housing in pretty ‘black’ areas and was never allowed to forget he didn’t belong anywhere.

        1. Gadfly*

          Just realized that comes off as kind of depressing. He also has had a very interesting life and is pretty successful. He was open to trying a lot of things because if he wasn’t black and he wasn’t white, in his mind none of the stereotypes applied.

          He has two boys from a previous marriage to a Palestinian woman, and they are like night and day and he’s struggled a bit what to teach them about being black or white. But mostly he’s found his own balance and I think he is a deeper person for it.

      2. anon mixed*

        I’m half white and half black, like OP’s son. I spend most of my elementary time in a majority-black school, where there were other mixed-race kids (though mostly black/latinx) or very light skinned black children. It wasn’t a huge deal since we were all young. Everyone played together.

        My family then moved out to the mostly-white burbs for middle and high school and found myself ostracized from the black kids because I didn’t “act black enough”: I didn’t like/listen to rap, started dressing goth/emo, didn’t talk like they did and didn’t pretend to be terrible in school*. It was a school-of-choice district, so a lot of the black kids came from areas like where I had left and went home to hang out with their local friends. I think they were afraid of being seen as pretentious/elite for attending my school. I would’ve had to pretend to be an entirely different person to fit in with the black kids, so I basically said “screw off” and did my own thing.

        I moved across the country for college/starting adult life where most people assume I’m part native or part latinx. I think my eastern/midwestern accent gives away the fact that I’m not a native resident. It really doesn’t come up much, though there are places in this state where I will not go any further than the gas station closest to the highway.

        *Something like 97% of my class went to college. There were very few kids actually doing poorly in school.

    7. neverjaunty*

      There may not be exceptions to the policy exactly because they haven’t thought about this situation.

      Try approaching them – not as ‘you have to let me attend’ (which you’ve already been clear is not your goal) but to ask if they can help out. “I understand and respect this rule; my son wants to participate; can you help me find a way we can do both?”

    8. Temperance*

      Do you have a local SURJ or Indivisible group? It’s not the same as BLM, but they are open to all and I think they would be very welcoming to your son and to you.

  71. CAA*

    I bought tickets for our dream trip to Scandinavia today! We are going for 3 weeks in August, and I am so excited. Our flights are in and out of Stockholm, but we want to travel around as much as possible and see Norway and Denmark as well, maybe Helsinki if there’s enough time. Please help me make a list. What are your must-sees in Scandinavia?

    1. SophieChotek*

      Oslo
      – I just walked around the Castle (and randomly happened to be in the right place at the right time to see the changing of the guard).
      – went to the Ibsenmuseet (Ibsen Museum) for the famous Norwegian playwright author of A Doll House. It is in his old apartment, so very period and well-restored
      – went to the Munchmuseet to see Edvard Munch’s paintings like The Scream, etc.
      – walked along the harbors
      – went to the National Gallery (to see the art)
      – went to the folk art museum (folkenmuseum)
      – went to see the Viking ship

      – outside of Oslo – went to Porsgrunn – where famous pottery is made
      – went to Fevik (which is one the sea/ocean/big lake?)
      – went to Lillehammer (Olympic site)
      – visited some friends of friends who lived in a truly old-fashioned Norwegian hut (the kind you see in picture books of traditional Norwegian houses) in the mountains that still used wood-burning tile stove and kerosene lanterns — no modern amenities there

      – still want to see Bergen and the fjords

      Sweden

      On my to see list
      – Stockholm : Noble Prize
      – Castle
      – Drottingholm Castle and Theater

      Denmark
      – Copenhagen
      – Helsingor

      1. Jo*

        Yay, have fun! I spent a semester in Copenhagen when I was in college about a decade ago and loved it.

        Seconding Helsingor – the English version of the name is Elsinore, so it’s essentially Hamlet’s castle (or what is widely considered to be the basis for Hamlet’s castle). It was a fascinating place to visit even beyond that connection (but I’m a total Shakespeare nerd so I loved it).

        In Copenhagen:
        – the Round Tower
        – Nyhavn (pronounced ‘new-hown’), the iconic canal-side street lined with brightly colored buildings
        – Stroget, the main pedestrian-only street
        – Christiania
        – bakeries. Any bakery will do. They’re all amazing.
        – a day trip to the Viking Ship Museum in Roskilde is a fun idea; I was there in winter but apparently in the summer you can actually go sailing in a replica viking ship
        – Amalienborg, the queen’s palace where the current royal family lives
        – the Little Mermaid statue (not that impressive but basically required)

        Copenhagen is a lovely small city that’s very safe and very charming, so wandering around pretty much anywhere would be worth it. Also Danes all speak excellent English so getting lost isn’t a problem.

        1. CAA*

          Thank you both so much! These are great lists and I’m adding everything to mine.

          Last night I got the idea to check Overdrive and Amazon Prime Reading for free ebooks that would be helpful, so now I’m happily going through Rick Steves’ Scandinavia and all the Lonely Planet guides for the area.

          I think we are going to do something like this, spending a few days at each stop:

          Stockholm –ferry–> Helsinki –ferry–> Tallinn –fly(ferry?)–> Oslo –Norway-in-a-nutshell tour–>
          Bergen –fly–> Copenhagen –train–> Stockholm

    2. Stella's Mom*

      All comments are great so not much to add on that front, sounds awesome. For your dates, if you are in Stockholm during World Water Week (2017 dates are 27 August to 1 Sept) then book well in advance a place to stay as prices of hotels and airBnB etc go way way up. Have fun and enjoy the places you visit!

      1. CAA*

        Thanks for pointing that out. We’re flying home from Stockholm on August 30, so we have to get back there on the 29th and will need a place for that night, probably out near the airport. I’ll make sure to book that one ASAP.

    3. Thea*

      For Stockholm:
      The archipelago, maybe just a short tour to Fjäderholmarna if you don’t have a lot of time.
      Skansen is an outdoor museum with houses from different time periods and a zoo, one of my favourite places in the summer.
      The Vasa museum is always interesting.
      I really like Södermalm, the south island of Stockholm: lots of cafes and small shops.

      For Tallin: the old town and the market.

      Oslo:
      The Munch museum
      The opera house
      I thought the Vigeland sculpture park was interesting when I visited.

      Copenhagen:
      Tivoli amusement park is always fun, and also pretty. They have a nice smørrebrød restaurant where I usually stop by for something to eat.
      The Glyptotek

  72. Overeducated*

    Can anyone recommend good cooking blogs that are more recipes than lifestyle photography? Some of my old standbys are not as active as they used to be and I am having trouble finding new ones that are really focused on food. Smitten Kitchen was my favorite ever if that helps.

    1. CAA*

      I am a huge fan of Serious Eats and make a lot of their recipes. I also really like David Leibovitz, but he’s more for reading than cooking with.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I like How Sweet It Is (howsweeteatsdotcom) and Shutterbean (shutterbean.com). Oh, and Kitchn (thekitchndotcom). Smitten Kitchen has been one of my favorites too!

      1. Pharmgirl88*

        I love How Sweet It is! The first one I ever read, and probably still my favorite. I have her cookbook and really like it.

    4. Indeed if not thought*

      Although she does like her camera, Gina at Skinnytaste has great, healthy recipes. She follows WW, but she sticks to healthy ingredients. It’s not diet-y food (if that makes sense).

      1. Overeducated*

        I’ll check it out, thanks. To be honest the name would put me off so the vote of confidence makes a difference.

    5. Cookie D'oh*

      These are some food blogs I follow:

      Annie’s Eats
      Budget Bytes
      Iowa Girl Eats
      Mel’s Kitchen Cafe
      Skinnytaste
      Prevention RD
      Gimme Some Oven
      Cooking Classy
      Once Upon A Chef

      For baking, I like Sally’s Baking Addiction and Brown Eyed Baker.

    6. Dan*

      To your point, if a recipe has been up voted 10 million times, I hate scrolling for five minutes past a bajillion pictures to find the ingredients list.

    7. Sir Alanna Trebond*

      Recipetineats is really good! She updates regularly and includes helpful tips about modifications/why she recommends doing things a certain way. I’ve made several of her recipes, and they’ve all turned out good.

      1. Sir Alanna Trebond*

        Also, she’s now making videos for all of her recipes. So helpful for seeing how thick a sauce should be or whatever.

      1. Overeducated*

        I already follow both of those – I think they must be big, popular hits! :) I don’t find budget bytes very inspiring anymore though – I think her recipes are actually too close to my approach to messing around in my own kitchen without a recipe, so I don’t get new ideas as often. And yes, I know “too similar to my cooking” is a bizarre critique! Closet cooking is good for party food.

        Smitten Kitchen is still around, no worries, but I think she saves her best for the cookbooks now. Same for a few of the old hits like Herbivoraceous, 101 Cookbooks, and Joy the Baker, though at least there are still some recipes on Smitten Kitchen. I loved the first cookbook too, so I have high hopes for the second.

    9. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Check out Simply So Good – shes got some good photography but its not “over the top” if you know what I mean. Easy on the eyes but not trying to sell you a million things. She has a lot of photos showing the steps and then the recipe, if that makes sense? Nothing overly fancy, just solid, tasty food and some good recipes for easy go-tos to dress things up a bit.

      Her Jalapeno Cheddar Burgers, while a little time consuming to make due to a glaze and a sauce, are unbelievably good and always a hit at a fry-out. In fact, we are having them tonight!

    12. PM-NYC*

      I really like half baked harvest, good mixture of healthy-ish and more indulgent recipes.

    1. Mimmy*

      I think someone above beat you to it this week :(

      Best: The weather is finally getting nicer!

      Worst: Getting my first paycheck and seeing that I may’ve been royally short-changed. Dreading the conversation to be had tomorrow.

  74. FDCA In Canada*

    AAMers, tomorrow is the centenary anniversary of the battle of Vimy Ridge, which was one of the most crucial battles for Canadians during the First World War. Basically my whole weekend has been taken up with performances for Vimy parades and memorial services in the area as part of the choir I sing in, but I’m going to link a really well-done audiovisual piece about a soldier who survived the battle at Vimy and picked up some acorns, mailed them home to Toronto, and the project to take the descendants of those trees back to the memorial at Vimy to grow there. If you’re ever visiting the battlefields in France, Vimy Ridge is one of the most arresting memorials I’ve ever seen.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Thanks for sharing this. Something about people honoring and remembering those from so long ago really touches the heart.

    2. SophieChotek*

      Vimy Ridge is so stunning! It’s the one Great War Battle Site I really want to see.
      The stone woman weeping just gives me chills when I see photos of it! I’d love to be there at dawn – I can just imagine it…
      The film by Paul Gross Passchandaele, despite the oddly inserted love scene – was still a very good film I thought about the Canadian experience in some respects

    3. Lady Julian*

      As an American the main way I know of Vimy Ridge is that it makes an appearance in the final book of the Anne of Green Gables series, Rilla of Ingleside. I loved that book. Wishing you good thoughts for all your memorials.

  75. Casuan*

    Please help me to understand better about gender identity.

    So there’s no misunderstanding, I believe people are people & should be treated with respect. Probably I’m not as well-versed in gender issues [for lack of a better word] as I should be, hence my question. This is a genuine query & I’ve no idea how to phrase it well…

    If one has a preference for one’s name & preferred pronouns then I’m glad to use them.

    What I question is how pronouns are used pre-transition.

    vocab lesson:
    Transition often refers to when one has realised &or made the decision [I have no idea how to finish this query]…?
    to rephrase: Would someone please define “transition”?

    eg: Caitlyn Jenner
    Why are her pre-transition pronouns “she”?
    She was born biologically male. The male won the sports medals, married and realised his identify is in fact as a woman.

    So why should the pronouns before her transition be in the feminine? To me, it’s kind of playing with revisionist history.

    What am I not understanding that I need to understand?

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      First off, I think it’s great that you asked this question! Second, there may be others who have a better grasp of this issue than I. My understanding, is, however, that, a person may come out later in life (for example, Caitlyn Jenner), but she always identified as a woman, even in the times she won her medals. She just wasn’t “out” as a transgender woman. Therefore, to call her “him” during those times would be to misgender her. The idea that she is only now a transgender woman that she is out would be akin to saying that a gay person was straight before they came out. The person was born gay, but simply was not out.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Gender is not black and white, and so it’s polite to use whatever gendered pronouns that the subject prefers. You stated that Caitlin Jenner’s outward gender presentation at birth (“born biologically male”) means that you think she should be addressed as “he” before she has sex reassignment surgery. However, even after surgery she will still have been born male, so her gender presentation at birth can’t be the issue; it sounds like you’re saying we should choose our gendered pronouns solely based on her genitals, since they are the only thing that the surgery will change. And other peoples’ genitals are really none of our business unless we are having sexual intercourse with them.

      A science teacher posted a wonderful breakdown on Facebook about how gender and sex are not as rigid as many people would like to think they are, so rather than trying to reinvent the wheel I’ll just post it here.

      I just commented this on a transphobic post that was all like, “In a sexual species, females have two X chromosomes and males have an X and a Y, I’m not a bigot it’s just science.” I’m a science teacher so I responded with this.

      First of all, in a sexual species, you can have females be XX and males be X (insects), you can have females be ZW and males be ZZ (birds), you can have females be females because they developed in a warm environment and males be males because they developed in a cool environment (reptiles), you can have females be females because they lost a penis sword fighting contest (some flatworms), you can have males be males because they were born female, but changed sexes because the only male in their group died (parrotfish and clownfish), you can have males look and act like females because they are trying to get close enough to actual females to mate with them (cuttlefish, bluegills, others), or you can be one of thousands of sexes (slime mold, some mushrooms.) Oh, did you mean humans? Oh ok then. You can be male because you were born female, but you have 5-alphareductase deficiency and so you grew a penis at age 12. You can be female because you have an X and a Y chromosome but you are insensitive to androgens, and so you have a female body. You can be female because you have an X and a Y chromosome but your Y is missing the SRY gene, and so you have a female body. You can be male because you have two X chromosomes, but one of your X’s HAS an SRY gene, and so you have a male body. You can be male because you have two X chromosomes- but also a Y. You can be female because you have only one X chromosome at all. And you can be male because you have two X chromosomes, but your heart and brain are male. And vice – effing – versa. Don’t use science to justify your bigotry. The world is way too weird for that shit.

    3. Casuan*

      St Vincent, thanks. Your explanation did come to my mind, although I wasn’t certain in that line of reasoning.

      Cosmic Avenger, I guess my original post failed at conveying that I wasn’t basing pronouns on genitals. That is not at all my belief! & I’m with you in that others’ anatomy aren’t our business. :)
      Thank you for the reply & for sharing the Facebook post!

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Oh, geez, I’m so sorry….that’s what i get for posting so late after such a busy day! Not that that excuses it, but usually my reading comprehension is much better!

    4. Melody Pond*

      So why should the pronouns before her transition be in the feminine?

      It sounds like maybe you’re getting hung up on the “transition” piece of it. A person can live for the first 30, 40 years of their life, presenting as masculine, but feeling like it’s wrong, and like it’s not actually them or who they are. They might then wake up one day and decide, “to hell with this, life is too short not to be true to who I am.” And from that point on they start presenting as feminine. Or maybe they even have sexual reassignment surgery, so that they can have genitals that match what society thinks a “woman” is supposed to have.

      But that doesn’t mean that the person was “male” up until that day when they decided to start presenting as feminine. For all you know, the time in their life when they were presenting as masculine was deeply painful for them, because they felt so wrong in their own skin. And being referred to as a male or with he/him pronouns, with respect to their “pre-transition” time period, might actually be really painful and hurtful for them, even now. The fact is, you or I have no way of knowing that, and unless we’re deeply, deeply close to them, it’s probably not appropriate for us to even ask.

      They might have felt that the feminine gender was more right all along. That could be why they ask others around them to use she/her pronouns across the board, regardless of the time period in their life. You or I really have no way of knowing – which is why I believe it’s safest and kindest simply to clarify what someone’s pronoun choice is and to use it consistently, and across the board.

    5. Franzia Spritzer*

      Transition is the process by which someone undertakes the hormonal and physical changes from one gender presentation to another. Transitions take time, lots of time, and the finishing line is more of a spectral range, someone may never have genital reconstruction but their transition may still be considered complete. This is especially relevant when considering trans-men, where the genital reconstructive surgery just isn’t as advanced and has pretty poor outcomes in relation to the success of the male to female genital reconstruction. Transition completion shouldn’t be, but is a political issue because, state by state identification laws are different, some states will reissue birth certificates to reflect the new gender and allow someone to get new ID that reflects their gender presentation, other states will not, thereby forcing trans citizens to present identification that does not reflect their gender presentation, still other states will give you new ID without a new birth certificate, each state is different, so it’s pretty complicated.

      What you’re getting at, calling someone Bruce when they were clearly Bruce and presenting as male; why then would you refer to that pre-transition person with their present pronoun she? This is a personal preference that each person defines for themselves. Some folks would rather their prior selves would just vanish into thin air, others are out about themselves, and maybe they have to be because they’re famous like Caitlyn. Generally, broad brush strokes here, referring to Caitlyn’s prior successes as HIS successes erases the person she is now. Caitlyn won those medals, the muscle and bone, guts and the brain of that medal winner is Caitlyn, even if she was presenting differently previously in her life.

      Theres a thing called “deadnaming,” when you refer to someone by their previous or birth name rather than their preferred name. In most cases people perform deadnaming purely by accident, others do it intentionally because they’re rude, it signals that they’re not respecting the person’s preferred name and pronouns, not recognizing and acknowledging them for who they are now.

      It’s no more of a history revision than when a woman changes her name when she gets married (if she changes her name), or when someone adopts a spiritual name when they convert to a religion that requires it. Caitlyn’s wiki page acknowledges her former name, “Caitlyn Marie Jenner (born October 28, 1949), formerly known as Bruce Jenner, …” All of Jenner’s athletic accomplishments are referred to with her last name, “Jenner was the American champion in the men’s decathlon event in 1974…” and there is a hard delineation between her pre and post transition personal accomplishments. Nothing is being revised.

      But say for a non famous regular ol person the history is acceptably flexible. For example, I know a person who was a well respected software developer, all of her patents moved with her and were revised to reflect her new identity, her previous accomplishments were not erased by her transition, it was a matter of bureaucratic paperwork. Another person, their previous self vaporized, like they didn’t exist prior to their transition and since they’d not really accomplished anything significant the disappearing was ok. There’s a well known trans-man who went about their transition, kept their same job and went about his life business as usual and found that the people he regularly did business with assumed his previous self was his sister. There are as many ways to deal with this as there are people it effects.

    6. Casuan*

      MP, thanks & you’re right; I think I was a bit caught up on the “transition” aspect. It seems I was missing was the psychological aspects, which you explained quite poignantly.
      FS, I wasn’t confused about referring to one’s name, rather I was trying to reconcile the pronouns. That said, you related the names & pronouns for me & how they affect an individual. I appreciate the insight!

    7. ..Kat..*

      This discussion has been helpful for me. Thanks to all who contributed.

      I think a problem people have with understanding in Caitlin Jenner’s case is that SHE won HER medals competing in the MEN’S side of sports – which women aren’t allowed to do. So to say “she won the men’s gold medal ” makes people’s brains hurt.

      Personally, I think that mental anguish and dissonance of knowing you were born with the wrong body has got to be awful.

      1. Dizzy Steinway*

        “I think a problem people have with understanding in Caitlin Jenner’s case is that SHE won HER medals competing in the MEN’S side of sports – which women aren’t allowed to do.”

        If you think about it though, anyone could win medals on the men’s side and then transition.

    8. Today's anon*

      Something else that has not been brought up – safety. You could be seriously endangering a trans person by outing them if you refer to their older pronouns. You don’t know if the people you are with know the person is trans, you don’t know how safe it is to be out, and there are very real dangers in being out – from harassment, to being fired, to being assaulted all the way to being murdered. If you are with the trans person, take the cues from them, but if you are not, it is not up to you to out them.

  76. SL #2*

    I finally saw Beauty and the Beast today! It was everything I expected, honestly, and I really enjoyed it. The furniture and household goods were just so delightful! One thing I didn’t expect was to sympathize with Gaston, just a little. In the animated version, he’s just so awful that it’s hard not to hate him, but Luke Evans did a great job with the material and a great job humanizing (lol) someone so inherently unlikable.

    1. SophieChotek*

      I agree with your Gaston comment. If he hadn’t tried to leave Maurice to die and then throw Maurice in insane asylum to get Belle, I would have had even more sympathy but I get what you are at.

      I agree – the furniture and household items were well done.

      1. SL #2*

        (SPOILER for anyone following this thread who hasn’t seen the movie)

        I think the idea of him being a soldier is an intriguing one and it puts his various issues into context; he’s a man working through some sort of suppressed war trauma that likely exacerbated whatever anger and narcissism issues he already had pre-war. It doesn’t excuse all the awful things he did (WHO LEAVES AN OLD MAN TO DIE IN THE WOODS???), but there’s context here that the animated version lacked.

        Basically, I felt like this was definitely Beauty and the Beast for adults and I enjoyed it for that reason.

        1. SophieChotek*

          That was exactly my thought about Gaston too – working through war trauma, used to being in charge in action and now there…like nothing to do — he’s as stuck in this “poor provincial town” as Belle is…(and yes, he was self-centered and needed to be in charge and always charged ahead, but in wartime that was bravery and no fear and men would follow…) so yeah, I am just agreeing with you there.

          1. SL #2*

            I really like your point about him beings stuck in this village, wanting to relive his glory days (someone addressed him as ‘Captain’ early on) but also wanting the safety and security of home/family. Gaston (in this version) has enough issues and trauma to rival Prince Adam, honestly, but whereas Adam works through his issues and shows character growth, Gaston never goes through that development.

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      I saw it recently as well, and also loved it! I agree with your comment about Gaston, early in the movie I was thinking, “Wow, he’s not that bad of a guy, they changed this a bit”. But then he does what he does and I didn’t feel bad about the ending.

      Also, I loved the expanded backstory for both Belle and Beast, Ian McKellen as Cogsworth, and LeFou. I feel like the live action really improved LeFou’s character from a bumbling fool who is only there as comic relief/Gaston support to someone who actually is a person. With feelings and motivations. It was great.

      I was really looking forward to the “gay scene” since all the media hyped it up, but it was hardly even a thing. I couldn’t even tell what had people so up in arms. Was it the dancing at the end? The hug between LeFou and Gaston during their big song? I was expecting a huge, overt display of affection or something. Kind of disappointed it didn’t happen.

      1. Red Reader*

        I saw it on opening night, and I thought Josh Gad as LeFou completely stole the show. He was fantastic.

      2. SL #2*

        I think LeFou is more… overtly in love with Gaston in this new version, if that makes sense? In the animated version, it feels goofier, but in this live-action version, he’s just sort of sad and knows that his love for Gaston is never going to be reciprocated the way he wants it to be, but darn it, he’s going to take what he can get.

        The scene that had everyone hyped up was the dancing at the end, when LeFou is dancing with one of the ballroom courtiers and then suddenly gets whisked away by… Stanley? One of the former henchmen, at least.

  77. Jessesgirl72*

    Who else here loves vintage furniture and things?

    We stopped in the secondhand furniture store on a whim today, as it’s a beautiful day and we were out and about and not ready to go home yet. I’m looking for a rocker or glider (why are so many of the padded ones so freaking low to the ground? I’d like to be able to get out of it while not dropping the baby, thanks!) Instead we found a vintage kids’ dresser/armoire with 5 drawers and a child-sized hanging clothes space. I’m guessing it’s from circa 1950 (bear appliques and all), and in such awesome shape. The door needs a new latch, but otherwise it’s good- the drawers don’t even stick! It was love at first sight. I’ve realized that I really am not that crazy about modern furnishings- our dining room table and one of our living room chairs, we got from this same shop.

    So what are some of your best vintage finds?

    1. SophieChotek*

      My mom has so many antiques she’d love to sell you right now including rockers, LOL…(they are trying to downsize).

      I bet Elizabeth West has some great stuff to share — she collects some really awesome vintage ephemera

      I don’t know that I’ve ever had an amazing vintage find. I go to antique shops and ephemera shows and antique/used bookshops & fairs a lot but I’m not sure I’ve ever found anything amazing – I mean, I’ve got some stuff – antique swords, medals, and medallions from WWI-WWII eras, prints from the 1700 and 1800s…but in terms of that “hidden treasure”…?

      Congrats on finding some cool things!

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        An *antique* rocker I already own. It was my great grandmother’s. It is black walnut with a beautiful needlepoint seat cover she made for it. It’s also close to the most uncomfortable piece of furniture I’ve ever sat in. Which is one of the reasons my mother gave it to me. ;) It sits in a corner of the guest room.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I did this exact thing yesterday, when walking back from coffee! :)

      Stuff:
      –A swan arm rocker (I sold it because I really didn’t have room for it and broke my toe on it)
      –A balloon-back chair
      –This recliner. I call it my Sweeney Todd chair. Ignore the ugly kitchen. i.imgur.com/LBVTs1Z.jpg
      –Six old-timey Victorian albums and a metric ton of cabinet cards and some tintypes
      –Some magazines from the 1880s
      –A Federal Glass thumbprint pattern punch bowl I can’t bring myself to get rid of because I might need it even though I never throw any parties or have anyone over.

      I’m keeping the cabinet cards and albums, and probably the punch bowl, but [when] I move, the furniture will have to go.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I have some old stuff here.

      I cut my collection of 78 rpm records in half… it’s down to the 300 or so that I like. Some of the records are a lot of fun.
      I have old family needlework and a paper bag that says “Bundles for Britain” on it. I was proud of myself for knowing what that was. I have some instruction books for knitting things to go into the bag. You were supposed to give back any unused yarn after you made your item. I can’t imagine thousands of small balls of yarn all over the place at the collection center. I wonder what happened to that left over yarn.

      I had an antique tooth puller. The thing was scary to look at so I got rid of it.

      I enjoy antiques but only if they are practical and fit in with my needs here. I would love to get an old Hoosier but I have no where to put it.

    4. Chaordic One*

      I haven’t been able to find very much that is very nice where I live. (I’ve been day-dreaming of a Chippendale style sofa and some wing chairs.) While browsing on the internet I stumbled onto a website called: https://www.chairish.com/

      They have a lot of nice-looking vintage and antique furniture, but I guess you can never tell the condition for sure. It seems to be reasonably-priced, but the cost of shipping is often about the same as the cost of the item you’re looking at.

  78. Triceratops*

    Favorite food/cooking/recipe blogs?

    I find that I really enjoy reading recipes and looking at food/process photos, so I’m on the hunt for new cooking blogs! I currently subscribe to Smitten Kitchen and Budget Bytes and like them both pretty well. I don’t really love when cooking blogs have a ton of narrative intro, and I really like when there are process photos in addition to the plated final version! (Doesn’t have to be step-by-step, but something in between is nice.) Bonus points if a good number of the recipes use ingredients easily found in a regular US grocery store (I don’t have Whole Foods/Trader Joe’s/many ethnic markets nearby).

    1. hermit crab*

      I’ve really been enjoying Will Cook For Friends – pretty photos, tasty recipes. And I have never cooked something from The Kitchn that I didn’t like!

    2. NYC Redhead*

      New York Times Cooking (they have a great Facebook feed, and the website is up to date and free with registration) has nearly foolproof recipes. I do check the reader reviews and comments and while they don’t have many process photos, they do have some videos.

      1. Sylvia*

        Seconding NYT. I also like Saveur’s Facebook feed; I don’t check the site regularly, so it’s a good highlight reel.

  79. Imagreenpepper*

    Fun question: What was the funniest/embarrassing moment you’ve witnessed other people doing?

    1. Ismis*

      I was walking up the street reading a magazine and I walked into a pole. A friend of mine was cycling down in the opposite direction and saw me. He pulled on the brakes to slow down and laugh at me, but he hit them too hard and went over the handlebars. He had to limp up the road to get his shoe while I was doubled over laughing, holding my face where it had smashed into the pole.

      He suggested we keep it between the two of us but it was too funny not to share!

  80. Al Lo*

    Those of you who got Instant Pots for Christmas (I know there were a few of us who posted about them a few months ago)…

    A few months in, what are your favorite recipes or tips? I’m constantly collecting ideas and tips, and use my pot at least once a week, sometimes more. Some of my favorites tricks (not so much specific recipes as fun tricks I’ve discovered) thus far:

    Meatloaf — the meatloaf I’ve made in the pot is the tastiest I’ve ever done. I usually do it in two tiers — soup on the bottom, meatloaf on a trivet/foil sling on top. The meatloaf is really moist, and I love getting both dishes done in the same pot at the same time.

    The fastest KD I’ve ever made. Seriously, it was ready to eat before the first commercial break one night, with zero stirring or stove-watching.

    I tried this trick for fries recently, and they were delicious.

    And my #1 most-used non-pressure-cooker function is the saute function. I couldn’t have predicted how much I’d love that, but I use it so much.

    I’ve done a bunch of soups — which are basically no different from the slow cooker, except they’re not slow. But recipe-wise, it’s basically the same. I love that I can cook chicken breasts from frozen and not have to think about getting dinner thawing before I leave for work. I’ve tried risotto, which turned out really, really well (and again, no stirring). I need to try tonkotsu ramen broth again — the Serious Eats breakdown is really good, but I need to practice some more. The cheesecake bites were delicious, and I still have to make an actual cake — I haven’t had an occasion to yet.

    1. Overeducated*

      I had a pork chili verde from serious eats that was mild but good, but for the most part I’ve just been using it for quicker versions of slow cooker meals like bean stews or pulled pork. Don’t think I’ve been using it to its full potential. Would like to try a risotto.

      I will say the chicken & chickpea tikka masala from serious eats was so bad I didn’t eat the leftovers, and I am generally a fan of the site, so stay away from that one.

    2. LawCat*

      BEANS BEANS BEANS. I used this recipe from TheKitchn, but use hippressurecooking.com’s cooking times to adjust for the IP since it’s an electric pressure cooker: http://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-cook-beans-in-a-stovetop-pressure-cooker-193867 The “bean broth” is divine!

      Also, I love cooking things in a metal bowl on the rack with a little water in the bottom of the IP. I do this for grains and beans. Makes clean up even easier.

      The IP makes the best hardboiled eggs that I know.

  81. Kelly*

    Dog people: do you think dogs can be trained out of aggression toward children? Today my dog lunged and snapped at my newly-mobile baby, who pulled herself up on the edge of the sofa the dog was sitting on. The dog has never been a big fan of the baby but this is the first time she’s ever been actively aggressive toward a human. I’m devastated because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust her not to hurt my child. I don’t know what to do. My dog was my first baby, but if she injured my child I would never forgive myself.

    1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Depends on the dog and how bad it is. I’ve had dogs for 25 years and the only one that was actively hostile to children did so in self defense. He was little and the kids were running around and pulling on his ears and tail, so he snapped, but he never tried to go after a kid proactively. He just don’t trust or like them until he was sure they had boundaries.

      Has your dog ever acted like this before towards children in general? Is he more territorial and actively avoiding the baby or even pushing the baby around?

      We now have a large dog who’d never been around kids before and he’s basically a saint of a dog and puts up with everything. However, the reason he does is partly because he trusts ME to protect him. In any dicey situation, if it involves family or friends, even when he’s literally being snapped at by a family friend’s dog, he looks to me for permission to react – that’s my domain. I am the boss and I take care of aggressions and trespasses against or by both baby and dog very firmly.

      Our child is rambuntious and loud and doesn’t know zir own strength. That means it’s incumbent on me never to let zir intrude on his personal space and hurt or threaten him (even inadvertently). There is clear separation of space and belongings. Ze was never allowed on his bed, in his food bowls, or to play with his toys. Same for him – no getting in zir crib, taking zir toys, or eating zir food. Ze is never allowed to hit or ride on him, step on him or treat him with anything but respect. And he is never ever forced to stay in the same space as ze is in if he doesn’t want to – so if he’s annoyed by her, he can always leave. This ensures he never feels trapped or abused or put upon. I also don’t leave them alone together, for his protection. If I leave the room, one of them is coming with me. Which usually means both. But that’s fine too.

      Because he sees that I actively protect him, he will always defer to me even if I miss an initial ear grab or rough play and has never reacted to zir with aggression, but this has been a consistent practice for two years, and he’s a relatively mellow dog to begin with. So again, it depends on your dog, and may also depend on what you’re doing with the two of them.

    2. Call me St. Vincent*

      It may be cold comfort because I am in a similar situation, but my dog is quite aggressive with strangers, including some children. It was a major concern of ours when we had our daughter, but he is actually OBSESSED with her. I think it’s because he recognized her immediately as a member of our “pack.” He was good with her even in the phase when she was hitting and tail pulling (still sometimes does the hitting). He just sits there, which is unbelievable. Part of it is that we tell her no in the moment so he knows we will intervene. The bad part of this arrangement is that he would literally murder someone who tried to touch her (except grandparents who he also loves).

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        My husband and I were having this conversation just yesterday. I strongly suspect that once our girl takes the new baby as part of the pack, she’s not going to want to let anyone except us touch her baby. We’re talking about hiring the teenage girl from church to come several times to hang out and get to know the dog- and let the dog know she’s allowed to touch the baby!- before we ever need to leave her on her own with them.

        Otherwise she’s going to end up shut in the basement any time we need a sitter.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Yes it’s really weird for our doggie. He is great with anyone who knew him as a puppy. We’ve done extensive training with him and he is also on low dose prozac. I don’t know why he is like this as we really socialized him as a puppy and he was very happy go lucky as a puppy. We got him when he was around 4 months and I know nothing of his past except that it is likely he was in a high kill shelter, according to the rescue. He is the sweetest lap dog ever who loves snuggling and loves his family more than anything. We crate him for company. He is great with doggie daycare though–go figure. No complaints from them. I don’t know really how to fix it.

    3. Jessesgirl72*

      Yes, a dog can usually be trained.

      We had a husky when I was a teenager who was triggered by the “mobile” stage of the cousin my mom was babysitting 4 days a week. (We think she thought he was a weird dog now, in competition for her toys) Firm and consistent correction nipped that one in the bud fast.

      And I know it scared you to death, but does the baby have a mark on her even? If not, remember that the dog COULD have hurt her. A snap and grab is a “warning” in the dog world. You absolutely need to train the dog out of it, but that kind of thing sounds more aggressive and dangerous than it is in reality- it’s truly a warning sign, to both you and the baby. I’d suggest you call your vet and get a recommendation for a trainer, for your peace of mind.

      And I heartily second what Revanche says- it’s your job to also protect the dog was the baby intruding on her space and making sure the baby doesn’t hurt her or steal her toys and food. And keep a close watch on the baby and dog, and remove the baby IMMEDIATELY (and warn the dog) at any sign that the dog has had enough. The snap is normally preceded by a lip curl and low growl. The cocker spaniel I had used to get a certain look in his eye even before the growl.

      Good Luck!

      1. fposte*

        I would try to get in there even before the lip curl and growl. Look for lip-licking, a tense face, a face turned away (maybe toward you, even, seeking some intercession). If you can get in there when she’s merely uncomfortable, she won’t feel like she has to display warning behaviors.

      2. Amadeo*

        Agreed with the last paragraph here. You are the pack leader and it’s your job to protect your pup and pup depends on you for it. Keep kiddo and dog separated pretty much always until your dog is more comfortable (which means keep child out of dog’s space and definitely don’t let child pull up on the couch if the dog is there).

        For sure consult a trainer, but be careful about correcting your dog when she growls, lip curls or snaps. You run the risk of eliminating these warning behaviors that are just that – warnings, and having the dog fly straight into a devastating bite because she’s been told her warnings are a no go.

        Learn her bod language. Lips that are pulled back toward her eyes, a shine of white around her eyeballs (or cutting her eyes to the side to watch kiddo), tense ears, stiff body language, all of these things are signs that she’s uncomfortable and you need to intervene and remove child from her space immediately. Peaceful interactions can be learned, but they’re going to take a little time and a lot of support from you.

    4. fposte*

      I would contact a dog behaviorist, not just a crappy Cesar Millan inspired trainer, ASAP. Obviously separation in the mean time and a lot of attention to when the dog is displaying low levels of stress that you might not have been picking up on. This might be a form of resource guarding, where the dog feels she has to protect food, toys, etc. That can be counter-conditioned, but it’s something you want to do with a trained pro for sure.

      How big is the dog? Has she had any training?

    5. Kelly*

      Thanks so much for all the great advice, everyone. To answer some questions, she is a small-ish dog, around 25 pounds. She is also getting on in years and has become more crotchety in her old age. She has some basic training – mostly commands like sit, stay, down, etc. – and is great with adults. The only time I’ve ever seen her give us any kind of guff is when she’s on the furniture and we try to move her over. She’ll growl a little but has never escalated, and I just generally tell her to get down when she does that (she complies). I’m thinking that being on furniture is a trigger for her to protect her space, so I guess it’s not too surprising that the baby pulling up is what set her off. I was just shocked to see that behavior from her. She didn’t make contact, but the lunging was a very clear warning and I’m afraid the next time it may be worse.

      I think where I went wrong is in not protecting her from the baby like you all are saying. I grew up with dogs that would let us do just about anything, and my dogs had never been aggressive so I figured they would get used to her. I’m planning to contact a trainer, and in the mean time I think I need to keep her off the furniture when the baby is roaming around. I’m also going to do more food-based positive associations with the baby, and just generally ensure the baby isn’t within striking distance (for either of them).

      Even with all of this, in my heart of hearts, I wonder if I’m just delaying the inevitable. There will come a time when my child is bugging the dog and I’m not there to intervene. I was bitten in the face by a small dog as a toddler and I’m really afraid of the same thing happening to her. If it comes down to it I have a family member who I’m pretty sure would take her, but the thought of giving her up – and separating my other dog from her best friend – is horrible.

      1. fposte*

        ” The only time I’ve ever seen her give us any kind of guff is when she’s on the furniture and we try to move her over. She’ll growl a little but has never escalated….”

        Part of why I asked about the dog’s size is because people tend to move small dogs bodily instead of training them, where with big dogs they have to use training, and that means that small dogs are often more defensive. It sounds like she’s been guarding the couch for a long time now and it’s been treated as something that physically moving her against her will solves despite the problematic growling–and it also makes it clear that the couch is very, very important. So it’s no surprise that she’s not interested in yielding it when she finds somebody who can’t just push her off.

        I grew up with dogs too, and the amount of behaviorial understanding that has changed since I was a kid is amazing–all that “pack leader” stuff getting debunked, for instance. I think if you’re really looking to solve this long-term a trainer/behaviorist is crucial.

        1. Jessesgirl72*

          I loved the “Smart Puppy” training book. She pointed out about the growling if you try to move them from a piece of furniture is like a teenager brandishing a knife at you for asking him to move from your seat. If you wouldn’t accept it from a person, you shouldn’t accept it from a dog.

          Our big dog gets defensive about her spot too, so she can’t get up on the bed or couch unless she’s been invited to- we settle in first, and THEN she can join us.

      2. Episkey*

        Also, I wouldn’t punish the dog for growling. The growl, as others have said, is a warning. If you punish the dog for growling, what’s going to happen is next time he’s just going to go straight to bite without the warning.

        A good behaviorist ASAP is what I’d recommend. Sorry you are going through this.

        1. dragonzflame*

          YES! Please, please, PLEASE do not punish the dog for a growl.

          I second the recommendation for a good, positive method behaviourist. Please stay away from anyone who recommends anything punitive. You want your dog to see your baby as a good thing. Sounds like you’re on the right track, anyway.

          In the meantime, I’d absolutely be working on making sure the dog doesn’t have the opportunity to resource-guard the couch, and make sure she’s only allowed up there by invitation. (Our dog gets growly at our cat if he passes by her bed when she’s on it, and I’m very mindful of this for when our forthcoming kid is a crawler.) This isn’t really a pack-theory thing (which has basically been debunked now), more boundary-setting and removing a trigger. Also, just don’t let yourself get into a situation where you can’t intervene – if you or someone else can’t be there to supervise, separate them. You’re protecting your baby and your dog.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Talk to a behaviorist.
      A family member did a thing involving letting her baby sleep on a blanket. Then she gave the blanket to the dog to sleep on. This may or may not be appropriate for your setting but it kind of shows the kinds of ideas people are using and having success with.

      You may need to give your pet calming foods or some herbal remedies to help calm.

      Ideally someone would come to your home so they can make the best recommendations.

  84. Anon7*

    Hi guys I’m a 21 y/o college student who doesn’t really know how to make food cheaply and nutritiously. I know this has been covered a bunch of times in other threads, but I can’t seem to find it — can anyone help me out? Thank you :)

    2. Someone*

      Well, by and large nutritiously=varied. A bit of everything.

      What I use for my simple, everyday meals:
      Pasta or rice
      Milk, sour cream, creme fraiche, or similar milk (and alternative, like soy milk) products as a base for the sauce
      Canned tomatoes or similar as base for tomato sauce
      Onions (in pretty much every meal) and garlic
      Vegetables (fresh, frozen or canned, depending
      Broth, salt, pepper and some basic herbs (Mediterranean herb mixture( largely consisting of rosemary, thyme and savory, it’s great for pretty much everything), savory (great for green beans), nutmeg (goes well with pumpkin or cauliflower), chervil (the dried kind goes with lots of simple vegetable sauces)

      I also like to have a basic supply of dried premade foods – in times of stress (exams) they are very practical because they take little prep time and give me the possibility to neglect my grocery logistics a bit. And I almost always add some cut onion and frozen vegetables, so they aren’t very unhealthy either.

      My general procedure of making a meal, however, is:
      Cook pasta or rice till partly done
      add vegetables depending on how long they need to cook
      add milk product
      add spices to taste
      eat

      An alternative is frying rice/pasta and vegetables with eggs.

      I also like to browse cooking sites for ideas – though I’m usually not willing to put much work into my meals, so mostly I use them to check for which spices they use. That allows me to add some pseudo-variety to my meals even if I eat the same pasta – creme fraiche – vegetable combination for three days because I live on my own and can’t let the fresh food go bad.

    3. nep*

      Do you like sardines?
      As with eggs — inexpensive, versatile, and nutritious.
      (Don’t recall the thread — can’t help there.)

    4. Temperance*

      There was a post a few months ago where someone shared their meal planning for the year – I wonder if I bookmarked. I’ll check.

    5. Dr. KMnO4*

      You can microwave potatoes in about 10 mins (size dependent)! Wash them, poke them with a fork many times, and microwave them for 5 minutes. Squeeze them with some hand protection (they’ll be quite hot) to assess how done they are. If they are still rock hard (large to jumbo potatoes) then they’ll need at least another 5 minutes. Flip them over and microwave them again. Small to medium potatoes may only need another 1-3 minutes. The potatoes will shrink and look a little wrinkly when they’re done. They will be soft and yielding when you squeeze them.

      Don’t buy the individually wrapped potatoes in the supermarket if you can help it. They’re way too expensive. Just buy a bag of potatoes.

      Canned corn is good. Read the label and get the kind that doesn’t have added sugar, it’s empty calories. Canned peas are also good. Make rice (instant is okay, brown has more fiber) and mix in corn and peas and you have a nutritious side dish/base. I also like sauteeing onions and adding those to the mix. But, honestly, I would add sauteed onions to every savory dish. I make my rice with a bit of chicken bouillon powder in the water to give it extra flavor.

      If you shop at a big chain grocery store like Kroger or Jewel, sometimes they’ll have prepackaged, precut vegetables like broccoli and cauliflower. I only buy those when they’re getting old and are on sale. As long as you cook them quickly they are fine.

      Green peppers are half the cost of red and yellow. I like taking store bought pasta sauce and adding finely diced and sauteed mushrooms, onions, and green peppers in lieu of meat.

    6. Kj*

      The Teen Vegetarian Cookbook helped me a lot as a young person. Even if you aren’t vegetarian, the cookbook is great because it talks you through basic meal prep stuff and covers how to cook in less than ideal circumstances. Plus, vegetarian cooking is less risky in the sense that meat has to be handled carefully. And it is so much cheaper. I’m not vegetarian today but I still use techniques and recipies from that book.

      http://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/teens-vegetarian-cookbook-judy-krizmanic/1102830733/2671755376825?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Marketplace+Shopping+Books_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP3038&k_clickid

    7. SeekingBetter*

      Try to buy more vegetables to add to your meals. They generally cost a lot less than meat in general and contain essential nutrients that are good for you. Maybe you could also explore gardening and growing your own produce to save more money if you have the time and the means to.

      As for grocery shopping, try comparing different grocery store prices to see where it’s cheaper to buy certain products. The local Aldi’s stores in my area are usually good for shopping dairy, some vegetables, dry goods, and canned goods for cheap.

  85. Time Lapse*

    I know this is non work related questions but my issue is more how do I manage my social life without it interfering with my working schedule. I work two PT jobs but my schedule is crazy. I’m a twenty something trying to date and maintain friendships. I only work 35-45 hours a week but I tend to work a lot of 5-9 at night days or weekends. I’m hourly at both. I get PTO at 1 but not the other and I’ve been saving my vacation days because I’m taking a two week vacation at the end of the year.

    The last two months I’ve worked every Saturday in a row and some Sundays and every weekday. I have a passion for theme parks but I can’t go during weekedays and I’ve been working every weekend. My area of the country gets sweltering in the summer plus I can’t stand large crowds of families that make the whole day unbearable by doubling the wait time at rides. So if I want to go to any theme parks I have to go before school lets out or wait until the fall. Any suggestions on how I can more effectively manage my schedule so I can still do days trips and otherwise have a social life? I tend now to only have one full day off a week and I feel like I have to cram as much into that day as I can and it’s becoming exhausting.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      BTDT, and in some ways still doing it.
      Can you ask for time off in advance or are both schedules set in stone?
      Can you get on alternating Saturdays off with someone who also would like to have every other Saturday off?
      It’s tough, I know. You might end up just trying to make that one day a week work as best as possible.

  86. Gadfly*

    As a reader of speculative fiction, I just have to say I would love to slap every author who uses an “only the direct descendant of So-n-so the whatever can do the thing to save the day” and claims that it is somehow genetics or being “more” descended from So-n-so than a cousin would be. Do they really not understand that every descendant is a “direct” one? Indirect means that they are not a decedent but instead are some sort of cousin or similar and/or there are legal relations but not genetic ones.

    If I read one more version of “The prince was the only one who could continue. His cousin had made it this far, but as the last direct descendant of their mutual ancestor, only the prince could continue…” I will scream (also because that is poorly written, but please forgive me as it is so late it is early…)

    1. Gadfly*

      And just to clarify, I’m not talking about when they are intentionally trying to do a male or female line of descent. Nor, as far as I can tell, are they trying to suggest inbreeding.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Gah, why can’t they just make that person be the last of their line instead? That’s much more plausible, even if their capability came from training, like Roland in The Dark Tower being the last gunslinger (who then trains a whole new ka-tet).

  87. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I feel oddly obligated to close the house drama loop! It appears to be over. Our landlord decided to move forward with a refinance, and I haven’t heard anything since last week, so I’m assuming everything is settled until our lease is up in June 2018. I’m relieved, for sure, and happy the annoyance is done. Part of me is a bit disappointed, because I was looking so forward to having a new landlord. I no longer trust this guy to think anything through. Every email he writes annoys the crap out of me. And I think he’s kind of thoughtlessly disorganized– when they came by with their appraiser they told me they didn’t think they had the right key for our house (!), so I left a spare key in the mailbox. He apparently didn’t need the spare, but he just left it in the mailbox– and didn’t tell me, so I didn’t think to dig around in the mailbox, and when my boyfriend found it I just shook my head and wondered why he didn’t put the key inside. Not egregious, for sure, just annoying.

    Anyway, it seems to be done, no more drama, which is GREAT for my blood pressure.

    1. SeekingBetter*

      Thanks for sharing this with us. I’m really happy to hear your landlord has approved of the refinance! Although he does sound like a work of art with being so disorganized and all. Yay for lower blood pressure and less stress!

    2. LawCat*

      Glad to hear the drama on this has come to an end for now! Your landlord sounds like a hot mess at being a landlord.

  88. Lily in NYC*

    Ugh; I am so annoyed with my family right now! My mom is visiting my sister; my 12-year old niece is my mom’s only grandkid. My sister texted excitedly last night: Mom is going to pay for us all to go on a cruise to cuba over Xmas!!!! But here’s the thing. I don’t want to go. I hate cruises, I’d have to share a cabin with my mom and my mom is the most controlling person I know and is a complete nightmare to travel with. Everything has to be to her schedule so she doesn’t get anxious and lash out. I feel like my sister is manipulating her into agreeing to Cuba – she’s been dying to go since travel opened up for Americans (cruises to cuba are crazy expensive and there would be 5 of us and my mom actually mentioned in passing recently that she has no desire to visit cuba).
    So I’m the bad guy if I say I’ll just stay at her gorgeous home in FL and watch her spoiled dog (which would actually be fun for me! I love that dog to distraction). They are all type-A and I’m the easy-going one who always goes along with whatever they want in order to keep the peace. My mom will lose her shit and paint me as ungrateful if I decline to go with them. Reminding them that they did not include me in the decision process for my own vacation will fall on deaf ears.
    I feel better now that I vented – I think I’ll wait until my mom gets home to tell her that I don’t want to go. The crappy thing is that I know exactly what will happen – she will go the passive aggressive route and get all hurt and say “Fine, then none of us will go” and if I call her bluff I’ll have to deal with my sister. Whom I love dearly but is a selfish master manipulator (she is the boss of 4000 people for a reason). Pathetically, there is a very decent chance I will end up going on the stupid cruise.

    1. Sibley*

      You don’t want to go. Therefore, you’re not going to. Stick to your guns.

      Go read Captain Awkward’s blog for advice, ideas, gumption, and entertainment.

      1. Lily in NYC*

        I have learned so much from her about setting boundaries. It has really helped me deal with my mom.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      “It’s a generous offer, but the reality is that I hate cruises and can’t see using a week of my limited vacation time on one. But I hope the rest of you go and have a great time.”

      Maybe with a side of “this has been a stressful year, and I need to use my limited time off on something relaxing.”

      No?

      1. Lily in NYC*

        Thanks everyone for the advice! I get 6 weeks of vacation so “limited time off” wouldn’t fly. However, my mom seems to realize that she crossed a line by planning this without me. She wrote an email from my sister’s last night that mentioned it in passing…

    3. Artemesia*

      Part of being a grownup is you get to live your life. Doesn’t mean ignoring your parents’ wishes etc but does mean when faced with something you really do’t want to do, you get to not do it. For me the deal breaker here would be sharing the room with your Mom who drives you nuts. You get to say no.

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        Someone asked me today why I’m not participating something on Friday, knowing that I’m available at the time.

        I said “Because I don’t want to” She was taken aback for a second, but then laughed and agreed that it was the only reason I needed.

        In my experience, more pain is caused (on all sides!) by trying to prevent hurt feelings than is caused by just stating the truth in a kindly but firm way, and not letting yourself be dissuaded. And one way to not let yourself be talked into something, or making it a big thing, is to just say no without any excuses for it.

      2. Lily in NYC*

        It’s hard to say I want my own room when someone else is paying. I could pay for my own room, but I have no desire to spend money on something I don’t want to do… I have gotten so much better at setting boundaries with my mom, but now that my dad died I’ve been cutting her some slack. I have a feeling my mom is going to realize she doesn’t want to go on this cruise after she thinks about it more.

    4. Wearing a Mask for This*

      “Thanks for the offer, Mum! You know I don’t like cruises & I don’t want to risk ruining it for the rest of you, especially because it’s Sister’s dream trip! And really, by the end of the year things get so hectic that the best present you could give me is for me to just get out of town & to stay at your place with Pup, knowing you’ll all have fun time without me!”
      bonus phrases:
      “save money by Pup not going to the Hotel Woof”
      “for you to have time alone with Sister, niece & [whomever else]”

      Oh, Lily… I can so relate!!
      Not exactly, although I really get the personalities & family dynamics at play.
      Three years ago, my relationship with family & my sanity got sooo much better when I took a stand & started to skip family Thanksgiving. Only two people there actually like me, the step-family can’t stand me. And because we’d also have the same group for Christmas, an early January birthday & a February birthday…

      Save yourself!!
      As Artemesia said, you get to say no. Unless there’s extenuating circumstances (like a make-a-wish scenario)., there is absolutely no reason why you should go if it is not fun or relaxing for you. From what you say about your mum, the only reason she’ll be happy to have you there is because it’s a control thing.

      And if your mum throws a fit & cancels the trip?
      That is her decision. If she does, no way should you accept any guilt thrown at you.
      “Mum, Sister really wants this cruise. Please don’t let your anger with me affect such an incredible gift to her.”

      Of course, you’re the only one who can decide if it’s worth the damage to your relationships with your mother & sister. Except their cruise decision without asking you is the a version of the behaviour of which your mum might accuse you.

      What would be the long-term damage? Would they throw a fit & never talk to you again? Or for a few months?
      You deserve to enjoy your holiday as much as they deserve to enjoy their own.

      The biggest lesson I learned from skipping Thanksgivings & sometimes other gatherings?
      It turns out I was beginning to resent my family because I was burned out. This wasn’t just from holidays, there were a few years of family illnesses & I was the go-to person for help. Whilst I was glad I could, I had gotten burnt out without realising it. Thanksgiving has always been a forced holiday to me & it was an extra resentment to feel obliged to attend.
      Skipping Thanksgiving was the essential first step to reclaim my life & to recharge from so much family! I’ve kept my tradition of skipping Thanksgiving & my family doesn’t bother me on it any more.

      Here’s to hoping you can hang out in Florida with the canine you love!

      1. Lily in NYC*

        That’s why I’m annoyed – it’s NOT my sister’s dream trip. My sister is wealthy and her family takes incredible trips every single year. My 12-year old niece has been to every continent, even Antarctica! My sister is an opportunist and my mom lives in southern florida so sis has had Cuba in her sights for a while now.
        My family is used to me going along with everything. I started setting boundaries a few years ago and it still shocks my mom when I stand up to her.
        Here’s my mom in a nutshell: It drives her nuts that I am a procrastinator. She kept hounding me about doing my taxes (I’m over 40 and have never done my taxes late – she just can’t help herself). She actually said to me when I told her I’d get to them when I feel like it: “Why are you doing this to me? I’ve done so much for you – can’t you just do your taxes so I won’t worry”? I said “Mom, it is not my job to manage your anxiety. You are not allowed to ask me about my taxes again”. And it worked! She didn’t ask me.
        She took prozac for a year and was like a different person but she won’t take it because she gains weight on it. Grrrr.

    5. tigerStripes*

      Is there any way you can ask/convince your sister to talk your mom into letting you stay and watch the puppy?

    6. Not So NewReader*

      If your sis manipulated your mom into a cruise to Cuba, could this be two peas in one pod? But your mother allowed the manipulation so there is that, too.

      So mom will cancel the trip if you don’t go. That makes no sense. Then sis will act out. She can book her own cruise. It looks like you are the only adult in this story. I am sorry.

      Serious, serious boundary problems here. These people will continue doing this to you until you tell them to stop. The longer you wait the harder it will be to get your point across that you actually mean stop. Yes, mom and sis are going to act out. If you wait ten years to put your foot down they will STILL act out. The acting out is not going to change, the manipulating is not going to change.

      What is the best outcome here? What is an outcome you can live with? How much longer are you willing to live like this?

      I must say it’s depressing that your sis is in a leadership role. But maybe you can use that. Tell her, “You manage 4k people. Go manage mom.”

      1. Lily in NYC*

        They are both very dominant types so they clash a lot. They like having me around because I am the easy going peacekeeper.
        My sister is actually awesome even though she does have a selfish streak. But she is a fantastic boss and I would kill to have a manager like her. My mom is also cool 99% of the time – she’s a pain in the butt but I still lucked out in the mom dept.

    7. Gadfly*

      So, is part of the problem going to be that Mom and sister need you there to be a barrier for the other that they can both dump on a bit/deflect the other with? I may be projecting, but I pick up some of that vibe…

    8. Wearing a Mask for This*

      Lily, what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working for you so change what you’re doing. You’ve already started this & now you need to ramp it up. Think of what you’ve already done as testing your personal superpowers. It’s now time to use them for real.

      Your situation has really hit a nerve with me because it’s very similar to my own very recent experiences; I can so very much relate to the personalities you described & your role in them! I’m single & fortunate to have flexible work hours & for the most part I can work from almost anywhere. My mother lives in the same town as I do & my sister is across the country (USA). I’m the middleman, peacekeeper & go-to person for my family. Until I began testing my own superpowers by refusing to be the Family Operator & News Source, I was the communications hub; not in the gossip sense, rather in the “How’s Dad/Mom/sister/other?” sense. I can go somewhere last minute & stay longer than originally planned. I inadvertently opened the door to this because it made sense I was in the best position to help, over time this became the norm for all of us. Eventually I realised my life was getting buried because I was trying to do the right things for my family. Like yours, my mother & sister are good people & I love them dearly. Still I get frustrated with myself for being annoyed with my mother because I remember all she’s done for me, which is a lot. When I realised that over the past 4 years I’ve spent a cumulative 11 months not in my own home because I was with family I realised I needed to set major boundaries.

      (To clarify, 9 of those months (usually several weeks at a time) were serious medical needs & hiring help wasn’t an option. The other 2 months was an extended stay with my sister. She needed help & asked if I could extend my 10-day visit; I left when I realised that she wasn’t doing anything to help herself, it didn’t help that for 2 of those weeks I got bronchitis.)
      Amazing how situations make sense in the moment yet in retrospect not so much!!

      Back to you, Lily! Sorry for the tangent, although I thought you should have some context & I wrote is barely a fraction of the family dynamics at play…

      Don’t let good traits get in the way of what you need to do [traits of loving, caring, being excellent at the job- one can be great at one’s job yet not have those same traits & skills at home].
      What you need to do is to live your life.

      You can set boundaries & still be a loving daughter & sibling. The fact that you told us how great your mother & sister are proves this!

      Not So NewReader nailed it when she said you are the adult here.
      So be the adult. It is not your responsibility/job/whatever-you-might-use-here-to-convince-yourself-that-it’s-on-you to be the buffer/peacemaker/barrier/other. Probably they don’t even realise the extent of how much you do this, probably it happened so organically you haven’t realised how bad it was until it seems like it’s too late so now you might need to go a cruise you don’t want to do…?

      “‘Mom, it is not my job to manage your anxiety. You are not allowed to ask me about my taxes again’. And it worked!”

      You started to set boundaries, Lily. Now continue that trend by setting boundaries-on-steroids. As you already know, it takes practise & expect some pushback. When you succeed, it is amazing & this will get easier in time.
      what has worked for me, of course ymmv:
      -If you don’t accept the comment or question as valid, then don’t respond to it.
      -Use simple sentences & avoid anything that might cause rebuttal. People are going to hear what they want, so don’t tell/explain/describe more than necessary. Answers can prompt more comments or questions.
      eg: Don’t say that you’re going out with friends if you don’t want to answer where you’re going with whom & isn’t that expensive?
      -If you realise that there’s something you often say that they just don’t understand or accept, stop trying. There’s no use trying to tell someone things they’re not willing to accept.
      -Have escape clauses ready so you can end the conversation, like if your sister won’t stop talking about mom the control freak. Sometimes I even set things up at the beginning of a conversation “I’m expecting a client to call so if it comes through I’ll need to take it.”).
      -Be very clear as to what you want or expect. If you think you’re being slightly rude then you’re probably still a step or two away from being direct enough for them to even process your words. It’s a personality & communication thing.
      You did this when you told your mom she wasn’t allowed to ask about your taxes. And it worked! Yay!!!!!
      -Be a broken record: give the same reply regardless of how someone phrases the comment or question.
      -Don’t nurture negativity, not even for minor things. If Mum says “Your sister [negativity]”, resist all urges to validate this thought. A simple phrase such as “I’m sorry” can work wonders. If Mum asks if that’s all you have to say about it, tell her yes & repeat your original comment.

      Sometimes one needs to experiment with what gives you the desired results & this is no different. What works for me might not work for you. This isn’t about telling your family what to do & by no means am I implying that you limit communication with them. This is about what you want & effectively communicating with them. What you’ve been doing isn’t working, at least not until you began to set boundaries.

      Good luck!

      quote of the day, courtesy of NSNR:
      “You manage 4k people. Go manage mom.”
      :-D

      1. Lily in NYC*

        Oh wow, thank you for all of this great advice. I didn’t see this until today. Everything worked out so well and I think it’s because I’ve been setting boundaries with them for a couple of years now and it’s starting to change our dynamic. I didn’t really say much about it other than to say I’d prefer to watch the dog instead and they both realized that they planned a trip without including me in the process. I think my sister just assumed I’d be into it and she backed down immediately when she realized I wasn’t. And I knew my mom would be less into it the more she thought about it, and that came true. The cruise would be 7 nights and that’s just too long to leave her elderly dog in a kennel – his limit is three days before he freaks out.
        So I think Cuba is not happening and I’m relieved! And there were no hard feelings or passive aggressiveness from anyone.

  89. SeekingBetter*

    Oh my god. I’m so angry and frustrated about a person that I thought was a real friend. I know I’m taking a risk posting this on an online forum, but I need to get this out and get some advice from fellow AAMers. So I apologize for this rantish post.

    I’ve known this person for nine years now. We started hanging out at the bars and soon after, we would go to movies together, go check out the latest and newest at the stores, and have dinner together at new restaurants. Things have changed for the both of us significantly since we first started hanging out (job situations, finances, personal commitments, family commitments, etc.) and we are definitely hanging out a lot less nowadays. Well, I do have to admit that I’ve been hanging out with her a lot less more due to the fact that she loves going out to the bar scene at least 2-3 times a week and I’m not even going once a month sometimes. Over the years, whenever we talk (and we talked about everything and anything!) she always mentioned to me that I’m one of her “good” friends out of the 100 or so bar scene friends that she has and she always truly appreciates how I helped her when her car tires were shot last year (I drove her back home from the auto repair shop) and when I helped her pick up her car on occasions when she couldn’t take it back home.

    Well, last week, we did our usual dinner night and her birthday was coming up for this weekend, so she tells me she wants to go celebrate it at a show that happens to be located in a city about two hours away. I told her I was interested even though the place is a couple hours away, but she’d have to let me know at least a day or two ahead of time since I’d be her designated driver. Then, she tells me she’s not absolutely certain yet she will go and that she will contact me (either FB, text, call or whatever) if she for sure plans to go for her birthday.

    I’m also on FB with her. Guess what happens next? I see on my newsfeed/posts feed about her posting about how she had so much fun at the said place located in Two-Hour-Drive City on a Friday night. This is when my brain starts to go “huh?!?” and also a moment where I blinked at the computer screen for a good five minutes to make sure I wasn’t seeing an imaginary post! The post also came with a video of the place and there happens to be at least three other friends with her. I cannot believe this happened. She never ever told me she was planning to go or invite me to go as she originally intended. My blood starts to boil. I thought I’d be on the invite list since I was one of the few good friends she has.

    I then decide to write to her through a FB direct message about it. I didn’t claim she forgot to invite me at first. I just asked how did it go. She direct messages me about half a day later saying it was absolutely fun and that she just got back home. I then direct message her about the fact that she didn’t invite me and that I feel sad and left out. She then responds with something like “I knew you weren’t interested at all in going. Sorry.” without seeming to really admit she did not invite me and would let me know if she was going to go. *I can’t believe this* Then I spill out the reason why I’m sad and disappointed and she responds back “well, there were things that you wouldn’t have liked at that place and you can just be angry all you want. Sorry.” I then direct messaged her today that I’m really angry that I’ve always invited her to my birthday celebrations at places she might not care to go to, and whether or not she could / want to go or not, I invited her regardless. I also add in a note that perhaps we’re different people and I have to end this relationship for the sake of my sanity.

    Does anyone think I’m being completely out of line with how I handled this? What do you think? Your comments, advice, and sympathy are appreciated. Thanks.

    1. Elkay*

      I think the friendship is over to be honest. She doesn’t think she did anything wrong.

      If it makes you feel any better I’d feel exactly the same as you.

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      “I knew you weren’t interested in going” = “I always knew I was going, and wasn’t interested in you harshing my mellow, so I pretended I’d let you know, but I didn’t want you to come along and didn’t have the cajones to say that.”

      It sounds like the two of you are in different places in your life, and she only wants you around occasionally. Unfriend her on FB and realize she wasn’t ever really your friend- it was all about what you could do for her.

      1. SeekingBetter*

        “I knew you weren’t interested in going” = “I always knew I was going, and wasn’t interested in you harshing my mellow, so I pretended I’d let you know, but I didn’t want you to come along and didn’t have the cajones to say that.”

        I didn’t even know “I knew you weren’t interested in going” was code phrase for “I told you but I’m actually not inviting you.” Why do people do this to another person? Ugh.

        Thanks for letting me know your thoughts on this!

    3. Dan*

      No. She clearly told you she doesn’t give a rip how you feel, which is generally a sign that it’s time to move on.

    4. StudentA*

      I’m sorry. That’s an unfortunate way to lose a friendship. Maybe one say she’ll realize she was rude and apologize. For now, it seems she’s moved on and you need to do the same. I know how hurtful this is. Most of us have had something similar happen to us. It’s a loss, a lot like a death. Distract yourself with positive people. Take good care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Definitely make new friends.

      1. SeekingBetter*

        Thanks for your sympathy. I agree it’s unfortunate. In fact, this morning, she direct messaged me and used some pretty harsh words to tell me that I should really inspect my *&# to make sure I remove everything up there that made me end the friendship.

        You’re right about being kind and taking care of oneself. I have other friends that I appreciate and cherish so I certainly won’t be thinking too much about it.

    5. Mazzy*

      I’m not going to agree with the other commenters that the friendship is over, I don’t think it’s there yet at all This just seems like a regular fight. I get both sides of it, though I think you are definitely more in the right.

      As someone who quit the bar scene and seeing how that can be a big deal, that is the main point of the letter to me. It can be really awkward to navigate a bar-hopper non-bar-hopper friendship. Sometimes one or both of the sides mess it up.
      Did you honestly want to go? It doesn’t seem like you did. Who wants to drive two hours to be a designated driver? Isn’t there some sense of relief that you didn’t have to go?

      If I were you I’d just bring it up next time you saw eachother in person, because doing it over email is going to make it worse – she is just going to feel she needs to give a winning retort instead of listening to what you wrote.

      1. SeekingBetter*

        Thanks for your thoughts on this. I’m glad you looked at both sides of the argument here.

        Yeah, I guess I kind of did quit the bar scene and this makes it absolutely hard to navigate a non-bar-hopper and bar-hopper friendship. Back then, I went out primarily because I didn’t have a choice to do other activities in the city due to working a grueling second-shift restaurant job. I had a couple of other good friends at that time that went with me as well, but as we all grew, we eventually stopped going out to the bars. Only she was the one who kept going all of the time.

        This is going to be sort of strange, but I did actually kind of want to go. I haven’t been able to visit that city in a while and kind of wanted to go on a road trip. However, this is probably the reason why she chose to go without me: she needed a designated driver and I told her during that dinner night that I wouldn’t be able to stay the whole night over at the other city. At the same time, yes, there is a sense of relief that I didn’t go because I saved gas money!

        If I ever see her in person, I guess I could bring it up. But briefly. I’m not really going to dwell on this because I have other priorities in my life that I need to address at the moment.

        1. Casuan*

          Your friend is not a good or true friend. I’m so sorry, perhaps at one time she was, although perhaps your disinterest in the bar scene she really was just a good acquaintance [this thought is for time-frame reference only; I *do not* at all mean to blame you]. After her little stunt now & her unwillingness to at least try to understand why you’re hurt…?
          You’re going to have a decision to make.

          Ultimately, SeekingBetter, the gist is this: Unless your friend apologises to your satisfaction, do you want to remain close friends with someone who treated you like so badly? She totally dismissed your feelings & showed disrespect for you & your friendship. Her quote-unquote apologies consisted of a pathetic “sorry,” which really just translated to “Even though I don’t give a fig what you think I guess I can show some caring-type thing by saying sorry.”
          She couldn’t even acknowledge that you have these feelings…!?!

          friendship check: Friends will always acknowledge how each other feels. Even if there’s a disagreement, friends can agree to disagree. This isn’t always instantaneous because sometimes friends need space. Differences in opinion are an awesome part of my friendships. I’d hate to to have friends who always agreed with me!

          Mazzy has some good points although I beg to differ with “Who wants to drive two hours to be a designated driver?”
          If there’s a celebration with good friend[s] then this is just part of the celebration. My friends & I would do this with each other if it were warranted.

          SB, you asked for critique & I have one for you. From your wording, your friend said she wanted to go somewhere specific & you assumed she’d want you-the-good-friend to accompany her. Essentially you invited yourself along.

          Based on your updates, here’s how I imagine this conversation [paraphrases ahead]:
          Friend: “Celebrate it at a show that happens to be located in a city about two hours away.
          You: “Interested even though the place is a couple hours away, but she’d have to let me know at least a day or two ahead of time since I’d be her designated driver.”
          Friend, thinking to herself: “Damn! I shouldn’t have said that. The plans are made & even if she wants to see the show she wouldn’t like the other stuff & we’re spending the night & she can’t do that so how do I get out of this without crushing her?”
          Friend: “Not absolutely certain yet she will go and that she will contact me (either FB, text, call or whatever) if she for sure plans to go for her birthday.”

          To be clear, this is just a paradigm of what your friend could have been thinking.
          However, the damage was done when she was so dismissive of your feelings. This could be a signal that she might have been thinking of not spending as much time with you & this situation gave her that opportunity. The only way you can know for sure is to talk with her. If she isn’t willing to talk, then you have a good idea of her true character. If you want to try to salvage the relationship, perhaps just get together every month or two for now.

          You deserve friends who make you happy & help you to have a better life than you’d have without them.
          If that makes sense!!

          1. SeekingBetter*

            Casuan, I really appreciate your detailed thoughts. I’m glad you have friends that you disagree with sometimes and that it would be boring if you always agreed with your friends. Celebrating differences of opinion are a good thing as well. But you’re right, it’s not good to not be with friends that don’t even acknowledge my hurt feelings and treat me badly. I haven’t seen an apology from her to my satisfaction today, and plus, she seemed to brush off my feelings like they didn’t exist when she accused me of being so shallow as to end our friendship over this.

            All of what you said completely makes sense; it is greatly appreciated!

            1. Casuan*

              You’re welcome, SB.
              Your post really touched me because… my own life.

              An important factor I forgot to mention: We the Commenters are basing our thoughts on what you’ve shared, which is mostly limited to your current situation… we also know that you’ve helped her a few times when she’s in need… which means we really don’t know much about your friend in general.

              You’re the only one who really knows her, so trust your own evaluation on her character.
              questions to ask yourself:
              Is the scenario from your post her typical behaviour? Does she help you when you need something? Might she be calling you a “good friend” because she knows that this will keep you on the “To call if I need help” list?
              When you talk & go out, is she interested in *you*… Does she listen & offer helpful counsel when you need to vent on something… If she doesn’t have a comment does she at least mirror your prevailing emotion? [eg: “He did what?!? That’s wild!!!”]…
              Is she excited for & supportive of you with your goals? [“You lost a half a pound? That’s awesome!! Just another half & it’ll be a pound!!”]

              You’re also the only one who gets to decide who your friends are!!

              [oh, I’ve tried to resist this little note to satisfy my perfectionistic tendencies on vocab that probably bothers no one except myself, obviously I’ve failed: in my first reply I misused “paraphrase”; Oops!!]

              1. SeekingBetter*

                Casuan, thanks again for your thoughts, if you’re still reading this thread. I truly appreciate it!

                In the beginning of my relationship with her, we got along pretty great because I was going out to the bars as often as she was. Plus, we did commiserate and offer helpful counsel and was always supportive of each other. Lately though, I would say maybe the past 3-4 years, she became the one who was less attentive to my needs and didn’t seem too enthusiastic about my endeavors. Of all the years I’ve known her, I was the one who helped her out with the car situations as well as lending her some money sometimes when she needed it. She never really offered to help me if I was stuck somewhere, but then again I never asked her. For your info, she was always the one who lived four times above her monthly paycheck and other deep debts that’ll she’ll never get out of unless she somehow wins a multimillion dollar lottery and decides to use that money responsibly to pay all the money she owes to her debtors. So yeah, this is a one-sided thing in regards to helping each other out.

                Lately, she’s been criticizing me more and being “manipulative.” I told her that I’ve increased my exercise schedule so I can try to maintain a healthy weight and hopefully delay diabetes (my entire family is type-2 diabetic) and what she responded was “Why bother? You’ll get it anyways.” Also, when I saw her at dinner last, she offered to give me some money for the dinner ingredients I bought and she never did that night. In the past, she did always did give me some money back. But I guess it sort of is my fault for not calling her out on that either. If I provide any more details here, I might “out” myself if she’s reading this blog.

                In the end, the friendship is done on my end. You’re right. I am the one who decides who my friends are and it looks like she isn’t anymore.

                1. Casuan*

                  It does seem she’s been pulling back & you deserve friends who don’t constantly cause you to question what they do & why, criticise or manipulate you. That is not the definition of “friend” in any language I know.
                  I’m so sorry.

                  As for your increased exercise schedule, congratulations!!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Adding to what others have said, I also see potential for a lopsided friendship. It sounds like you did a lot of stuff for her, did she faithfully reciprocate?

      You may be one of the few actual good friends she has. This may be true. And she may feel that she does not deserve good friends, if so, she maybe lashing out at you for befriending her. (This is nothing you are going to fix.) Or it could be that the good friend thing is true but she actually values her bar pals more. (Can’t fix this, either. I have seen so many people get a good and true friend then just abandon that relationship.)

      Friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have held on to that explanation for a while now, and found it very helpful.

      1. SeekingBetter*

        You’re probably right. It was a lopsided friendship for as long as I can remember. There were many times I “bailed” her out because she didn’t have the means to help herself and she didn’t really reciprocate the same. If I am one of her good friends but she values bar friends more, of course there’s nothing I could do about that at all. I probably just saw her true colors over the weekend.

        “Friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime” is a great phrase. Thank you.

    7. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m so sorry. I’ve had real friends not invite me to something they knew I couldn’t make. All of them, though, when I told them that in the future I’d like the invitation anyway, apologized and invited me in the future. Your friend knew you were available and interested, didn’t invite you, and then made the excuse that she thought you wouldn’t be interested. I would have been hurt too. I wonder if she thought you’d be so unhappy with the activity of the night that you would be miserable or she wouldn’t be able to have fun, but wasn’t mature or together enough to be able to say it directly. Her initial intent may not have been all bad, but she sure could have made a better attempt to hear your feelings and show she understood afterwards. I’d have a hard time staying friends with someone with as little regard for my feelings as your friend has shown.

      1. SeekingBetter*

        Thanks very much for hearing me out and your sympathy. I’m glad some of your friends were kind enough to invite you for future events when they realized the mistake and knew you’d be interested whether you can go or not.

        Yes, my friend may not have been mature enough to say “you’re not invited because of XYZ going on in Two-Hour-Drive City” directly to me. I suspect she has maturity issues because she often acts like a 14-year-old despite the fact that she’s decades older. But that’s another conversation for another day and there isn’t anything I can do about her mental maturity (I’m sorry if this isn’t the right term so if there’s a better way to term this, just let me know).

  90. Stella's Mom*

    Hi everyone…. well, good news, I got accepted to the Uni in the UK and I am planning to move in June! I have been sorting out my taxes, cleaning and painting my apartment, donating stuff, and planning to sell a lot of stuff. Getting my cat sorted out (shots, passport) and getting my visa and papers sorted out to exit, too.

    I am thrilled and also a bit anxious as I have to find a place to live in the UK (Wales, north) and am excited to go visit again at the end of the month. Leaving my current EU country involves a lot of paperwork, but I am managing it all, slowly but surely. Feeling good about my decision to return full time to school after an 8-year+ career path in current city. Need a break for lots of reasons and am excited to re-focus myself.

    Happy weekend to all of you!

    1. fposte*

      Are you going to Bangor? One of the UK commenters here had a theory that you couldn’t escape encountering people with a Bangor connection, and so it seems.

      I think the town is completely different now from when I lived there, but I still have fond memories of exploring the streets and singing in cold churches.

      1. Stella's Mom*

        YES! That is funny! I will live on Anglesey as am going to the School of Ocean Sciences. Super excited! WIll have to look up the UK commentors and see if we can possibly connect.

        1. Caledonia*

          Congratulations and welcome back to the UK! I’m in Scotland :) I’ve actually never been to Wales….yet.

  91. Mirilla*

    My mother died a few months ago, on Christmas day to be exact. I am an only child so I have to help my father now. He has been disabled since I was a small child due to epilepsy, so his lack of career (he had a good job) turned him into a pretty bitter guy. We really never developed a close relationship. Over the years he has had moments where he has been pretty unkind to me. He is basically a stubborn, cranky old guy. I do what I can for him but it is not easy.
    So his bank accounts are in his and my mother’s name. If something were to happen to him, I can’t access his funds to pay his bills. He still owns his home so I am talking house taxes, insurance, utilities, etc. not to mention funeral expenses. He knows I will not touch his money unless necessary. He gave me all the bankbooks a few weeks ago to bring to the bank, but they said they need him to come to the bank in person. He has to sign an electronic keypad not a paper that can be signed at home.
    I keep trying to get him to agree to go to the bank but he keeps making excuses. He doesn’t feel good, he’s not a morning person, he does not want to go to the bank with his walker, etc… He keeps telling me if he dies I could get access to his accounts in 30 days but I do not agree. I am becoming increasingly annoyed as I handled the majority of my mother’s illness without his help (he did not visit her once in the hospital but did talk to the doctors a couple of times.) I was the one who had to give the ok to stop efforts (was no choice). I was with her those final minutes, alone except for the nurse. He wanted me to id her body with the funeral home but I refused. I had been through enough. He just is a difficult person and it is his turn to help me now by putting his affairs in order but I am tired of begging. He seems to have a “you’ll figure it out when I am gone” attitude. I think he is being very inconsiderate.
    Any advice? Any info on how long it takes to access funds in a situation like this? I do not want any extra stress and want this resolved.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, Mirilla, that sounds really tough; I’m sorry. If you’re in the U.S., it sounds like what you’d be looking for is called a “payable on death” account; that’s what keeps the money from having to go through probate. That may be easier to set up than the joint bank account it sounds like you were trying to do–call the bank and see what they need. It could be that you could just have him sign a form at home and then bring it in.

      If you’re talking about access to his money if he’s incapacitated but not yet deceased, that’s tougher; for that you’d need either a joint bank account or durable power of attorney. Is there any chance you could consult a lawyer? That would be helpful in getting the second drawn up, and it wouldn’t likely require your dad to go to the bank.

      And, on a third note, are you two sharing the house? Because if it’s not, you could also consider letting some of this go. Utilities and tax authorities are accustomed to having to wait until estates go through probate to get their share, and any problems are on him, not on you (so long as you’re not spending the estate first).

      1. the gold digger*

        I am very sorry you are going through this and I am very sorry for your loss.

        I like fposte’s approach that the pain should go to the person causing it.

        BTW, be careful with the utilities. Primo was the executor for his mom and dad’s estate. He put in a forwarding notice for their mail – we live 1,000 miles from where they lived, so checking the mail every day was not an option. We got all their junk mail, but the utility company had specific instructions that utility bills could not be forwarded. Who thinks about the last time they got a utility bill? Especially for a house that isn’t even theirs?

        Because the bill had not been paid, the power was turned off at Sly and Doris’ house and Primo had to deal with getting it turned back on and with convincing the power company to send the bills to our house.

        1. Wing Girl*

          I assist my FIL with paying bills since my MIL passed away. He did go to the bank and have my husband and I added as additional account holders on his accounts so we can sign checks. But for most of his accounts we now pay electronically. The paper version of most bills are sent to his home, so he can stay informed, but I can view and pay the bills electronically. Most of the online accounts allow me to set up email notification when for when new bills are ready to view or payment reminders.

    2. Mirilla*

      Thank you both. I do not share the house with him. He lives there alone. The deed is in his and my mother’s name. He never did any real estate planning except drawing up a will years ago which I assume is still valid, although that probably should be redone with my mother gone. I should get power of attorney.
      I’ll ask about the payable upon death to see if that would be easier. I have a feeling that still needs an electronic signature though.
      My father is very stubborn as you can see. He tends to make my life harder not easier.
      (sigh)

      1. Blue_eyes*

        I agree with the suggestion to consult a lawyer. Make sure to look into both financial and medical power of attorney (I believe they are separate), as well as updating the will and probably creating a “living will” or other directives for the end of his life if he is not able to make those decisions. It’s not fun to talk about, but doing all of this now, with his input, will make everything much, much easier down the road.

      2. Rebecca*

        Yes, an attorney, preferably one that is schooled in elder law. They can give you the best advice. Good luck, and I’m sorry this is happening.

      3. Mephyle*

        One thing in particular that the lawyer might be able to help you with immediately is a specific letter of attorney just to deal with the bank, to allow you to do the things you would be able to do if he would go to the bank and sign on the keypad there.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Tell your dad that you are going to call the bank together.
      Use the speakerphone, ask for the branch manager.

      Lightly explain to the manager that you and your dad were having a bit of a debate. Tell the manager that your dad thinks that if he dies you will have access to his accounts in 30 days of his death. Tell the manager you are skeptical about this. Then ask “how does this actually work?” Be sure to explain that your mother’s name is on the accounts, too.

      If the manager says anything about having the conversation by phone, just say that travel is not easy for your father so you would like to lay some preliminary groundwork by phone.

      Advantages:
      You can do this without leaving the house.
      You can have your father hear the real answer.
      Difficult parents are less apt to be difficult with strangers.
      This settles this matter for once and for all.

      If you are tired of begging then stop. I suspect he is enjoying the attention he gets when you beg anyway. This is kind of a dangerous strategy to try but you could start detaching from these conversations. “Well, do whatever you want, Dad. If you want the county to take your house for taxes after you go, then so be it.”

      I did not have as difficult a relationship with my father as you do. But we had our times, ugh. Oddly, when I started showing disinterest in things, our relationship shifted. You should have seen the day I told him to sell house and blow the money on a big trip or RV or something. Ha! I think it boggled his brain.

      I’d recommend stepping back a bit and seeing where that puts you. Try framing everything with “You are an adult Dad. It’s up to you to decide how best to handle things. Do what you wish.” Get that flat voice that is just matter of fact and has no emotion.

      My father had a will. I had found a lawyer to help us while he was sick. I think it took about a few weeks to set up an account and start paying bills. My father’s estate was not large by any means and it took me almost a year to do the paperwork, empty/sell the house etc.
      One trick you might try is asking if anyone at the bank would write checks for you if you brought in his bills. You might get lucky. A credit union did that for me. And a bank did it in a different situation for a family member. But don’t ask this question in front of your father, this is just so you have a card up your sleeve.

    4. Not Alison*

      Mirilla, yes this is a difficult situation for you. I hope I can add a few thoughts that will be helpful to you (actually my first time posting helpful thoughts to OPs). My situation was reversed, my
      Dad recently passed and while my Mom was OK adding my name to the accounts, she didn’t want to go to the bank. So I bribed her by doing something that she wanted and made it very easy for my Mom at the bank. First I spoke to the asst bank manager and had her get all of the paperwork done to add me to each of the accounts, then made a specific appointment time so Mom wouldn’t have to wait at the bank before signing the paperwork.
      Believe me, whether your Dad passes and you want access to the money or something happens to incapacitate him and you NEED access to the money, it is much easier to have access if you are on all of the accounts. A power of attorney sounds good but for many banks it is not worth the paper it is written on (to enforce it you will have to get a lawyer and go to court and have the require the bank to enforce it). At least that was my situation in trying to do something before having Mom add me to the accounts.
      So figure out how you can bribe your Dad (e.g. make him dinner, take him grocery shopping, take him out for a beer, take him somewhere he wants to go, etc). I know it is something you do not necessarily want to do, but whatever hassle you go through to get him there and add you to the accounts (not as a payable on death, which doesn’t help you if he is incapacitated and you need to access the money, but as an additional signer on the accounts) it will be WAY, WAY easier than the hassle that you will have to go through if you do not do this (i.e. the hassle from your Dad will be less than 10% of the hassle that banks and/or lawyers will put you through if you are not a signer on the accounts).
      I truly hope this helps and I will be sending you positive energy. I was lucky that I had a sibling to support me in taking care of our parents issues and then the estate and hope that knowing that someone else cares about what you are going through will be a comfort to you.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Power of attorney ends with the passing of the person in my state. You either have to get set up as executor by the will or by a court in order to access those accounts.

    5. Gadfly*

      My father died unexpectedly about 10 years ago and had nothing set up. I forget how long it took to get access to the bank accounts and bills and all, but I remember misusing some student loans to handle things until the estate eventually could pay me back. Like for his cremation.

      It takes time.

  92. Jbean*

    Anyone have advice on suing someone in small claims court? I took over this woman’s lease and as an incentive, she was to pay the first month’s rent and lease transfer fee. Of course, the day it’s due, all I hear is crickets. I don’t know her. The apartment complex is pretty strict in who it approves, the woman has a fairly high job title, so I felt comfortable with moving forward. Everything is in writing concerning the agreement. According to her lease application, which I got access to because I took over the lease, she reported a high income.

    Should I just file the lawsuit with the court? Or should I send her a certified letter letting her know I’m going to file a suit? She came across as pretty irrational to me and the property managers on the day before I was to move in, so I’m inclined to move forward with just filing the paperwork because I’d rather have the judge deal with her.

    1. Book Lover*

      I think if you are worried about any interactions with her, court might be the best choice. Sorry you are dealing with that :(

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’m in CT. I sued my former tenant in small claims court a couple years ago; however, it was for non-payment of rent and other expenses I incurred because of her. This came after I evicted her and had to go to the housing court and all that BS. (Ask anyone on this forum and they all probably remember my “Tenant From Hell” saga!) I don’t believe there was any requirement to try to contact her and work it out first, but I had a ton of documentation because of the eviction. But you should check with your state’s judicial website for guidance. At the very least, make sure you have all the documentation that would show she’s liable for this money. There’s a fee to file. In my state there’s a limit as to how much you can sue for, which is $5,000.00. What’s really awesome is that it’s all done by mail, even the judgment. I think it took about a month.

      One caveat with this…even if you get a judgment in your favor, it’s typically all on the plaintiff to collect the money. Meaning, if she doesn’t care about the judgment in your favor and doesn’t pay you, you then have to figure out how to get the money from her. You can attach her pay or bank accounts, which means knowing where she works or banks, filling out the paperwork and having a marshal serve it to her, which costs money.

      Bottom line: go into this assuming you will get nothing.

  93. Artemesia*

    I am getting ready for another international trip and looking for a travel pillow that might make coach bearable. Our last two trips we were able to upgrade inexpensively to business/first (flat beds with magic fingers) Can’t do it on this airline and can’t afford to buy business or first. I never can sleep.

    I have seen a pillow (Woolip and similar brands) that sits on the tray table and allows you to lean forward with our face in a hole like a massage table to sleep forward. Has anyone tried one of these for an overnight trip? I also saw one shaped like a comma Travelrest and I did get one of those but am thinking of trying the foreward one as well.

    Has anyone used either of these or some other pillow that helped sleep in coach. We have the old horseshoes but they are pretty worthless.

    2. Christy*

      I am able to sleep leaning forward against a wadded blanket/tiny airplane pillow, but never for an overnight trip, just for relatively short spurts. Next time I have to fly overnight I’ll take a muscle relaxer and make myself sleep that way.

      1. Artemesia*

        Here is my problem — too many great choices. The Trtl, Travelrest and the forward flop thing are so different and all get good reviews.

    4. Ktelzbeth*

      I like the Caldera Releaf Neck Rest. It’s not really a pillow, but it’s the best thing for me.

    1. Crafty*

      I was a bartender for 10 years. For serious bartending, you learn on the job. I started as a back server in a white table restaurant, was promoted to bar back (by showing interest/enthusiasm/gumption). It depends on the restaurant but there are channels to get promoted and trained as a bartender. Don’t go to bartending school! They’re mostly a scam. There’s two components to being a good bartender–(1) being really fast and precise with your drinks (I used the Memory Palace technique to memorize complex recipes) and (2) being a good employee/juggling having to be everywhere at once/learning how to talk to customers/doing grunt work like cutting fruit. Mostly you learn by practicing a lot.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      My partner isn’t a professional bartender at the moment, but he’s worked in bar prep and we drink a lot of cocktails– many of which he makes. Judging from his experience and our friends’ (we like to hang out in cocktail bars and we’ve become tight with a lot of the people in the scene here), Crafty is very right– you gotta learn by doing. One of the better bars here has a kind of apprentice program, where you start by working the line (i.e., managing customers, some of whom are difficult) to barback (i.e., learning where everything is, prepping syrups and juices, watching the bartenders) to serving (i.e., taking orders and managing customers) to bartending.

      1. Not a Cat Lady*

        Thanks, both of you. I realized this might be in the wrong thread oops. But thanks for answering anyway! I was wondering about those bartending programs/classes. So you wouldn’t apply to a bartending job and say you know how and learn on the job — it sounds like you’d do some other position and then show you want to be trained.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          In your place, what I would do is go to a few cocktail bars in your area, sit at the bar, and talk to people. Go at a non-busy time (I love Sunday and Monday cocktails). Ask them how they got started. And as a bonus, ask them to make you something not on the menu and pay attention to the questions they ask you. Don’t just say, “Oh, whatever, surprise me!” Be prepared to suggest a base liquor, dry rather than sweet, up vs. rocks. (I once had an amazing cocktail because I said that I wanted mezcal, something citrus-y, not too sweet, served in a coupe. “You mind spicy?” “Bring it.”) Watch what they do, how they do it, how they navigate with other bartenders and bar backs. All about research!

  95. Sami*

    This may be too late for getting good information so I may try again next week…
    Anyway, what documents should one have- legally speaking? I am fine tuning my will, power of attorney, and patient advocate. (I live in Michigan so maybe some forms have different names in different states…?)
    Is there anything else?
    And along those lines, what documents should adults have? I have my passport (note to self: renew!), and I think I know where my birth certificate and social security card is.
    Best place to store them? Safe-deposit box? Fire-proof safe at home? Thanks!

    1. Blue_eyes*

      I can’t think of anything else that you really need. I would check that you do know where your birth certificate and social security card are. There are some situations where you will need to present the original documents (my husband recently needed his social security card to get an enhanced driver’s license).

      I would keep things in a fire proof safe at home. If you have a safe-deposit box, keeping copies of important documents there can make it easier to have them replaced if your originals get lost/destroyed/etc. (That said, I have all my documents in a filing cabinet in my home). My concern with keeping the originals in a safe-deposit box is that it can be hard to access if you need things in a hurry – the bank has to be open, you need to bring the key, etc. The safe-deposit box also cannot be accessed by anyone else unless you bring them to the bank with you and add them to the approved list (went through this with my parents recently when they added me to their safe-deposit box authorization list).

      You might also consider storing copies of important documents (especially the will, power of attorney, and patient advocate) with a trusted friend or family member so that someone can access them easily in the event that you are incapacitated or unable to access your home.

      1. Grumpy*

        Consider also the deed to your home (if applicable), vehicle ownership papers, medical history and vaccination records (if applicable), kids’ birth certificates/adoption papers, insurance policy numbers and contact phone numbers, original employment offer, and citizenship papers too.

      2. Vancouver Reader*

        We were told by a notary public that our free standing freezer is a good substitute for a safe deposit box. Just remember to put your documents into a freezer bag in case your freezer decides to go.

    2. Clever Name*

      I would keep all your important documents in a safe deposit box at a bank. Yeah, it’s annoying to have to make a special trip to get your SS card, but it’s so much safer there than at home.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Our financial adviser was all about not making monthly payments on things such as PO boxes, safe deposit boxes etc. So my vote is for a fire safe. Safe deposit boxes can only be accessed during bank hours and (universe forbid) anything should happen to you, the person in charge of your estate would not be able to access it until they jump through some hoops. If your will is in there, this poor person is really going to jump through hoops. So fire safe.

      A cool trick I learned is the first of the year, take all your cards out of your wallet and copy them on your scanner. Flip them over, copy the other side. Take the two copies and put them in your fire safe. Now you have a complete list of your credit card numbers, driver’s license, etc. Each year you destroy the previous year’s copies.

      You can get books that you write in to put all your important info, too. Some are expensive and some are not too pricey at all. This also can help you organize your information.

  96. Health / Nutrition Geek Question*

    I’ve always kind of alternated between beer and Coca-Cola as my “poison”. Neither are healthy, obviously. But I’ve wondered which is actually worse in the long run.

    Beer obviously contains alcohol, which isn’t healthy. Better quality beer can have some nutritional value. Lower quality beer might be made with dubious ingredients that add to its adverse effects.

    Coca-Cola is obviously non-alcoholic, but it has a lot of high fructose corn syrup (so does cheap beer?) plus artificial coloring and that acidic stuff that makes it a good cleaning product and supposedly really bad for you.

    So, which is worse? Two cans of Coke a day or two cans of beer a day?

    1. fposte*

      I don’t think there’s any way to say that for sure in the abstract–a lot of this depends on you, your health history and as yet unknown tendencies for problems, and your other habits; it probably also depends on how much is in our hypothetical two cans.

    2. Kj*

      I’d say beer is healthier. Beer is basically liquid bread where soda is liquid candy. Maybe avoid the 10% ABV beers though.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Beer messed up my father’s health pretty good. And Cola messed up my health pretty good. I think they are equally good at being bad.

  97. Aurora Leigh*

    Anybody know a good place to get a replacement futon mattress? (I use the futon as a couch.)

    I bought a cheap one and while the frame is still good the mattress is pretty flat and uncomfortable a year later.

  98. Grumpy*

    Question for runners?
    Are slow runner welcome at the NYC marathon? I’m considering joining a charity team but I run at a glacial pace.
    Would I be out of place and would the fast runners trip on me and curse me out? I can beat the cut off time FWIW.
    Thank you in advance.

    1. Blue_eyes*

      The runners’ start times are staggered and you would be grouped with people around your pace. So you wouldn’t be running right along much faster runners. As long as you can beat the cut off time you should be fine. (My husband ran the marathon this past year).

    2. Kj*

      As long as you start to the back you should be fine. I was a runner for years and races always have various sections for anticipated finish time. Start in the right section and you are fine. My personal pet peeves from race running was walkers who would go to the front of the start line. They were jerks. But being slow is ok as long as you start where you are supposed to.

    3. Today's anon*

      OMG yes. People do start in a staggered way so you would probably not start until 11am or later. I think if you can run in 6h, you should be ok, more than that I would not recommend it because it’s hard on your body (or maybe just mine) – I mean you want to have fun – but there are people who walk the whole thing or tak 8 hours etc. It’s a great race.

  99. chilleh*

    Has anyone helped a friend long-distance who is going through a broken heart and have advice they can share? I’m on the other side of the country and can’t run over there to be there with her. She doesn’t really have anyone to go out with where she is for a distraction and seems unwilling to leave the house on her own.

    I’m not sure what to do since I can’t be there to get her out of the house or distract her, and I don’t think there is anything I really can do since recovering is something she needs to do on her own with time. Right now I just feel like a broken record and we’re only talking through texts (due to her living arrangement, talking on the phone isn’t an option right now) so there is only so much emotion I can convey through emoticons.

    If anyone has been in a similar situation though and has some thoughts about how I can be supportive I’d really appreciate it.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Two years ago, the brother of one of my best friends passed away. Then she started having issues with her long-term boyfriend. I live 400 miles away. I was at a job that kept me super busy and unable to visit. She is the friend for whom I have always done things– like, I was the only person she trusted to water her plants when she went on vacations. So it was rough being down here and unable to physically be there to help her out. So what I did was just check in with her occasionally. I sent her random texts when I heard her karaoke song on the radio, I emailed her little random thoughts occasionally. We talked on the phone a bit, but we’re not phone people.

      You probably are a broken record, but if you’re at Week Two, you’re doing ok. If you’re at Week Ten, then it’s more of a concern. Can you send her a gift certificate to something that will require her to get out of the house, like for a massage or a pedicure? Or a movie? Send her something silly, like a stuffed animal, or a book that will make her laugh. Or chocolate.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Unwilling to go out of the house on her own…. that’s not good.

      Okay. Can you send her relevant, helpful articles to read so the two of you can talk about what is in the article?

      Is there someone local to her who would go to see her?

    3. Marcela*

      As somebody who is alone and going through the most horrible period of my life, it’s just enough to get a message in any form. I know how uncomfortable is to talk to me right now, since I am sad and I tend to talk about my problem, so I extra appreciate any contact. It doesn’t really matter to me if my friends just send me a cat pictures : it warms my heart they have not forgotten me.

  100. Elizabeth West*

    ARRRGHHH

    I was eating breakfast this morning and making that post above about antiques, when I heard a noise outside and looked out. There was an ambulance outside my elderly neighbor-next-door’s (I’ll call him Gepetto) house, and the neighbor lady (I’ll call her Sue) who lives on the corner was coming straight at me.

    Apparently, Gepetto had an episode this morning where he lost control of his nethers and was confused, and he called an ambulance. I don’t know how Sue got in on this–she said they bring him veggies from their garden so she probably was doing that. Anyway, I ended up with the keys so I could check on Charlie the cat (real name). So I went inside to look for Charlie and Oh. My. God.

    I knew Gepetto had been sick and I’d asked him if he needed anything but he said no. The house was filthy. Charlie’s litter box was full and there was poo on the rug in the bedroom. He had food and water in the living room; I gave him some fresh water and let him outside to play. I’ll check on him later because it’s supposed to storm.

    I cleaned up the kitchen as best I could without moving anything (he might not find it again). I got Charlie new litter and a new scoop and a litter mat. Argus was using an old spoon, not even a slotted one. I swept around stuff. I emptied all his trash cans (they were ALL full) and put his bin out by the street for pickup, which is tomorrow (oops I better remember to put mine out too).

    The bathroom is non-functional. No water in the tub and the toilet is not working. I managed to unclog it (urp), clean the poo-ey seat and throw out the whatever was in the trash can I don’t even want to know, and make it flush once, but nothing after that. The tank won’t fill up. After that, I gave up. The kitchen alone and all the dishes scattered all over the house took me over an hour. I didn’t mop; just swept. The house isn’t hoarded, just really cluttered and dirty and needs a deep clean. It’s beyond my capability to do it alone.

    I did get hold of our neighbor (Pinocchio) who has been pretty friendly with Gepetto. He knew/knows what happened and what’s going on with Gepetto’s son, who he hasn’t been speaking to. They are both in the Shriners (Pinocchio said Gepetto helped him get in) and he said he would see about getting him some help through there. There is apparently some kind of help for older Masonic brothers. But he has to accept it and agree with it. That’s been a problem for him–Gepetto is a stubborn old man and he’s embarrassed about needing help and won’t ask for it.

    For now, I have his keys and am looking after Charlie but if anything happens to Gepetto or he doesn’t get to come home and has to go into care, I CANNOT TAKE THIS CAT. I can take care of him until he can be rehomed, but I can’t keep him. Maybe his vet can help. He’s a sweet cat and friendly and housebroken but I can’t have another cat until after I move.

    Whew. If he doesn’t take any help, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to have to call adult protective services but if he can’t take care of himself and won’t let anyone fix the bathroom, we might have to.

    1. Kj*

      Call APS. Seriously, they can help. I’m a mandated reported in my state and I’d have to call. They have social workers and access to resources. And they have the power to make sure your neighbor gets the help he needs.

    2. Book Lover*

      You are really wonderful to do what you have, but sounds like he needs help you can’t give. I agree with APS. Hopefully the hospital will have case management working on a safe discharge plan for him too.

    3. Rebecca*

      I agree with calling APS! Plus, if it’s like here, if an elderly person who lives alone ends up in the hospital, often a social worker will make sure the home is fit and safe before they are allowed to go home.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      If the lodge can get him some help, I think he might be more amenable to that. I don’t know if the ambulance guys were actually in the house or not. When I saw him, he was outside with them on the gurney and I told him I’d look after Charlie. I can’t take this on–I have no idea what is going to happen to me even. If I can’t find a job, I might have to leave to do so.

      If they saw the state of the house, they will probably report it. It was pretty bad in there–I’m still smelling the litterbox. Time to light some incense.

    5. HannahS*

      I’m sorry :( It sounds like you did a really good thing. I hope Geppetto accepts help.

    6. Jillociraptor*

      It was very generous of you to do this, Elizabeth. But wow. What a tricky situation.

    7. Chaordic One*

      The recommendation about calling Adult Protective Services (APS). I wonder if Gepetto might have dementia or early stage Alzheimer’s disease. It’s pretty obvious that he can’t take care of himself. I don’t know what to say about the poor cat.

      In any case, you’ve done more than you needed to.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Wow, that was really nice what you did for him.
      Please don’t worry about embarrassing him or upsetting him, do what you need to do to get him some help. That non-working toilet is key. Be sure to mention that to social workers etc. I am also thinking he will probably be assigned a social worker at the hospital who you could speak to . Granted she can’t tell you anything but she CAN listen to what you have to say.

      As far as the cat, it seems to me that animals with a story are easier to rehome. Additionally people like to help someone who is helping another person. I think if you present the animal in this context someone will take it very quickly.
      Please let us know how things go here.

  101. This Might be Vodka*

    I’m looking for ideas for where to buy my teenage son some jeans. He’s 14 with long legs and a skinny butt. (Life is rough.) So he’s almost ready for size 18 in length, but he’ll be swimming in them. I usually get slim/skinny with the elastic in the waist for adjustment. Men’s waist sizes start at 29″ and that’s way too big. Any suggestions?

    1. Clever Name*

      I hear stores like H&M are slimmer than other brands, so you may try there. My 10 year old only wants to wear basketball shorts (and the same pair at that), so I really wish he’d wear jeans. :/

      2. Sylvia*

        Seconding H&M. Strongly recommended by friends who were on the very small side of things for American adults. I’ve noticed it runs smaller than most other brands available here, too; usually have to go up two dress sizes and one S/M/L size.

  102. Worried*

    I just got medical results back from my doctor’s office. My blood sugar is apparently at the high end of normal. They didn’t flag it as an issue. Is that something I should be worried about? I’m 34; it seems like it should be low end of normal, right?

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Well, you may be prediabetic. I would just make sure you’re eating a balanced diet and exercising regularly (could even be walking a half hour each day). That said, if this is just one blood test, it could also be nothing. Make sure you’re going back and getting your blood sugar tested every year.

      P.S. It is a myth that eating sugar causes diabetes. That said, if you would like to avoid sugar, the best place to do it would be in drinks (avoid non-diet soft drinks/sodas/pop/”Coke”/fizzy drinks, sweetened ice teas, or any fruit juices). And donuts are almost always better than bagels.

    3. Jessesgirl72*

      Was it just your blood glucose level at the moment, or are we talking your A1C? The A1C is (approximately) a look at how your BGC has been over 90 days. The in the moment ones are just based on what you ate the day before, and aren’t meaningless, but aren’t the whole story either.

      You’re still within normal, so don’t freak out, but you might want to change your eating to involve fewer simple carbs.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      Also, even though people tend to be diagnosed as children (Type 1) or as older adults (Type 2), it’s not totally out there to be diabetic at age 34. My spouse was diagnosed in her mid-20s.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Did you eat before the test?

      I think you are splitting hairs, normal is normal, whether it’s high normal or low normal, it’s still normal. Think of it this way, normal has to be a range it cannot be a single number like “everyone has to be 110”. Then we’d all be labeled diabetics, because chances are most of us would not hit 110 on the nose. Additionally, they have lowered the high end in the last 30 something years. Used to be you had to be 160 before they thought you had a problem. So the control is a lot tighter than it used to be. If they feel you are normal, then you are normal.

      I married into a family of diabetics so I have had a little too much exposure to this topic.

      Instead of worrying, take action. Go for walks, look at your current food choices, and be sure to drink plenty of water, consistently each day. I like to put my worries in to actions, it seems to help.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Instead of worrying, take action. Go for walks, look at your current food choices, and be sure to drink plenty of water, consistently each day. I like to put my worries in to actions, it seems to help.

        Yes, this!

  103. Cafe au Lait*

    I need reassurance that pregnancy after the first trimester is better. I’m 9 1/2 weeks into my first pregnancy and I am so ready for it to be over. I haven’t eaten a full meal since morning sickness/all day nausea started. I’m doing the mini meals, but they’re still not enough.

    I really want to enjoy this pregnancy and right now I’m feeling resentful that I can’t walk into the kitchen without gagging. Hubs has to do all the meal prep and cooking because I can’t handle any sort of food preparation. It took me three hours to do the dishes the other day because I could only work for five minutes before I started gagging, and then it took twenty minutes for my body to calm down.

    1. Book Lover*

      The second trimester is usually better for energy and so on :). I enjoyed my pregnancies. Hopefully things will turn around for you soon.

    2. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      For most people, those nausea related symptoms do subside. Mine was horrible, I was surviving on a few crackers as a small meal once a day and starving all the time. But on week 13, day 1: magically gone.

      I had other annoying (some tougher than others, like PUPPPS) symptoms after that and blogged about it to vent ;) but the constant nausea was not one of them, thank goodness.

      Some people have wonderful pregnancies and enjoy them, I’ve met these people. But I know more people who don’t necessarily get to the point of “I love being pregnant”, it’s more of a mix. I hope all of the worst goes away as soon as the first trimester is done!

    3. dragonzflame*

      Yeah, generally it does. I’m 27 weeks (first-timer here too) and was feeling human again at around 14 weeks (I’m sorry, I know that four weeks sounds like ages to wait to feel sort-of normal again). I didn’t really get sick, just a bit gaggy and dry heaving if I didn’t have breakfast fast enough, and I ended up with some weird food because I just didn’t fancy things I’d normally eat (like bread) but OMG the tiredness. It gets into your bones and just getting out of bed wrecks you for the day. I felt like I’d suddenly become disabled.

      Second trimester has been a lot better energy- and eating-wise. My main problem has been being really achy at night, but since I got diagnosed with low iron and put on supplements that’s improved a bundle. I wouldn’t say I’m loving pregnancy, but I also wouldn’t always say I hate it, though I don’t think I’d be rushing to go through it again.

    5. Ann O.*

      I had horrible first trimester nausea and vomiting. When I wasn’t actually throwing up, I was nauseated. I ended up eatting a bunch of whipped jello because I could typically keep it down and when I couldn’t, it didn’t hurt too much to throw up.

      Then I crossed into second trimester, and it all went away. I was ravenous and ate about every two hours, but no nausea, vomiting, or even queasiness.

      Unless you are very unlucky, this will pass.

  104. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

    A little vent, a couple questions:

    We’re househunting in the SF Bay Area right now and it’s the pits. Our friends recommended their broker and we really liked her after meeting her: very straightforward, super responsive, you’d never know if she had other clients by how thoroughly she’s on any of our requests. I wouldn’t begrudge her other clients, of course, I’m just saying that’s how seamless her services have been so far. She does video and photo walkthroughs for us when we can’t go to see properties ourselves so we can determine if it’s worth making a trip out for it. I don’t know if this is average for your normal broker, but I appreciate the level of service and attention to detail she’s provided thus far, through months of looking.

    We got in touch with an electrician that our same friends recommended and it turns out that he is longtime friends with our neighbor. We like Neighbor well enough but we’ve never become actually close enough to be friends. Electrician told Neighbor about meeting us and our broker, and that night I got a text from Neighbor saying that he’d be happy to do us the favor of finding us a house, and he’d help with our closing costs. Apparently he also does real estate but I didn’t really know that – we don’t know each other well enough to know what the other does for a living.

    I thought that was weird – if you’re already working with a broker, isn’t it not cool for another broker to poach you?

    I wasn’t sure but given the amount of work Broker had done, and done well, I wasn’t comfortable with ditching her.

    I politely declined, citing having a Broker already, and his response was to push back with all the “discounts” he’d give us on commissions – except they work out to more than she’d charge us for selling our place so really, that’s no deal. Then he capped the reply with a suggestion that Broker really isn’t competent because on a previous sale, she botched something that I am 99% sure was the seller’s responsibility, not hers.

    I haven’t responded yet but that was totally offputting.

    I’m not wrong to be annoyed that he ignored my clear no, I’m sure of that, but is this normal behavior for brokers? Am I being overly harsh in thinking he’s behaving borderline unethically by trying to poach us?

    1. Violet Strange*

      He is definitely trying to poach you. Since you don’t really know him, or the electrician, and you do have experience with your broker now (in addition to friends’ recommendation), I’d just ignore him and/or keep reiterating “already committed”.

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      Is he a realtor, or just a real estate agent? If he’s a Realtor, report him to the board.

      Honestly, I’d tell him firmly that it’s not going to happen, and that he is crossing the line by continuing to push for it. Then block his number.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Yeah, I had some pretty pushy real estate people when we were looking for houses. My father told us not to buy one house we saw for [reasons] and the real estate person had the audacity to say that “Parents will decide that any house is not good enough for their kid. This is what parents do.” He went on and on like this for fifteen minutes.

      In this case here the real estate person was expecting me to pick his opinion over my own father’s opinion. My father had plenty of experience with houses and building, the real estate guy did not realize that. We decided to keep my father and lose the real estate dude.

      Someone who comes on hard like that can only hear a very FIRM no. It’s fine to say, “I think we are done talking here.”

      1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

        Oh my gosh, I can’t stand the supposed professionals that choose to shit on parents / kids (as some professionals chose to do to me when I was advising my father) as if that’s going to get us to trust them.

        Thanks for the input!

  105. Anon for this Post*

    It’s probably too late in the Weekend Free For All comments, but I thought I’d ask anyway.

    So this post is partially inspired by Friday’s post about the OP who was super private about her personal life at work and wondered if it made her seem cold. My situation is that I’m super private/sensitive about my love life. I don’t know why, I just hate it when I’m asked about my love life (Ex. People asking me if I’m dating anyone, whether it’s coworkers, family, strangers, etc). I’m single and I feel like sometimes when I answer I’m single people like to dig deeper into WHY I’m single & it feels invasive and icky.

    How do I respond to people (specifically coworkers or acquaintances, people I’m not super familiar with) when they ask me about my love life when I don’t want to answer them?

    1. HannahS*

      I’m a fan of ambiguous answer + subject change or asking people about themselves. It won’t deflect follow-up questions from people who are determined to find out, but it might help with people (coworkers/acquaintances) who are just asking to make conversation or include you in a conversation they’re having.
      “How’s your love life/Are you seeing anyone.”
      *shrug* “Nothing too exciting going on. Have you and SO been up to anything fun lately?” and then try to guide the conversation to, like, fun things to do on weeknights.
      But it’s different with family. With family, it’s a whole ‘nother thing!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Ask them why they would ask such a question.
      Or tell them, “that’s a bit personal, don’t you think?”

      It’s their awkwardness, not yours. Don’t wear it for them. Let them feel awkward.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      I’d recommend different answers, depending on who’s asking.

      If it’s co-workers, I’d go with the “Yeah, I don’t really want to talk about that stuff at work” line.

      If it’s family, I’d just say “Not dating, and not interested in it right now. Just living my life happily.”

      If it’s strangers, “Why do you ask?” or “That’s none of your business.”

  106. Gene*

    I found out the tourist attraction my Mom worked at in the 60s (Reptile Gardens of South Dakota) is having an 80th Anniversary Employee Reunion in June. I called Mom and she’s really excited to go, so I’m planning to fly to Missouri and drive with her to Rapid City to attend. Now my brother wants to take his wife to see where he was a kid, so it’s going to be the four of us.

    And I get to see friends from the Navy and grade school. It’s going to be a good trip.

  107. Miss Mac*

    I may be too late here, but I could use some advice. I’m moving out of my parents’ house to be on my own for the first time. I’m very excited but 2 issues came from this regarding my mother. She’s very excited for me; so excited that’s she’s told a lot of people. I’m really upset about this because 1) this is my news to tell! So many people already know, who am I going to get to tell the good news to? 2) everything just became final this weekend, but she had been telling people much before it was. I’m a cautious person, i.e. I believe in jinxing things before they happen. My mom did the same thing while I was looking for jobs; she would tell anyone that I had an interview, then when I didn’t get the job I would have to have the awkward conversation that I did not get it. It makes me uncomfortable.
    I’ve tried to talk to her and she says she just wants to let people know the good news. I know she means well but it’s MY good news. I want to be able to tell people about it when there is something to tell, not before. Am I being too sensitive about this?

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I don’t think you’re being too sensitive about it, but I also think at this point, what’s done is done. What you can do to protect yourself in the future is to not tell your mom stuff. Yes, that wouldn’t exactly have worked for the moving out situation. It would work, though, for future job hunting or future anything else that doesn’t directly involve her.

      1. Miss Mac*

        I agree with you, I just don’t want to feel like I can’t even talk to her for fear of everyone knowing every single detail.
        Thank you for your advice!

    2. Cruciatus*

      Well, the good news is you will soon be moved out and it will be easier to share your news in your own way after this! And maybe mom hears about things a little later so you can share the news with certain circles first. I’m annoyed at your mom on your behalf and can see why that’s super annoying. Unfortunately, besides telling mom to keep her trap shut, it sounds like this round is a lost cause. But as you move out you will meet new people that have no connection to mom/your parents so you’ll also have your own new circles to share good news with and, as I said, you can control the news more and when/who you tell things to. Perhaps this makes you more eager to move out for now though? Congrats and enjoy your independence!

      1. Miss Mac*

        It does make me more eager for sure. I am hoping that I can do this, keep things a little more private until I want to share. I worry about hurting my mom’s feelings as well as having my family think less of me because I didn’t share with my mom first (we are a very close and very gossipy family.) Thank you for your advice! It is helpful!

    3. EddieSherbert*

      I sympathize – my mom does the same thing! I basically do exactly what Anonymous Educator and Cruciatus suggest; I don’t share as much with her.

      Which isn’t awesome, but you basically have to balance how much you want (or need) her to know something against how much it bothers you if EVERYONE knows that something.

      So if I’m not ready for the whole wide world to know what’s going on with me, then my mom doesn’t hear about it first!

      Plus, once you move out, it’ll be easier to filter stuff (if you want to), and her quirks might not bug you as much anyways (since you don’t deal with it all the time).

  108. EddieSherbert*

    Late to the party, but… Any AAM readers that live in a tiny house? Or would consider it?

    I’ve been looking at them pretty seriously and there’s so much involved than I expected! I was prepared to tackle the on-the-grid versus off-the-grid stuff, but I didn’t realize how weird the rules are related to where you can put them (depending on your country/state/county/town).

    It looks like (for the areas we’re aiming for!) our options are basically mobile parks (and some don’t allow tiny houses) or finding someone willing to let us park on their land and hoping no one reports us (because it’s technically illegal to live in them full-time when they’re “off-the-grid”).

    Any tips? Advice? Fun stories? What happens if you do get booted off someone’s land by authorities?

  109. Bruce A Wayne*

    I generally take a break from the column with the weekend free for all but the book recommendation for “All Our Wrong Todays” caught my attention. You could say you had me at time travel. I was a little slow to read it as it was my “airplane book” or “motel book” for several weeks but I picked up steam to finish it. I actually liked reading it slowly to savor it. And there are a few philosophical gems in there I want to jot down and save.

    Thanks again on the book. I am somewhat new in the last few months but I look forward to the blog each day.

Comments are closed.