weekend free-for-all – May 13-14, 2017

by Alison Green on May 13, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Shrill, by Lindy West. I wasn’t sure what to expect with this book. I thought it might be … you know, shrill. I ended up loving it and loving Lindy. Her writing about her dad, in particular, is beautiful.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 1,176 comments }

{ 1,176 comments… read them below }

  1. Analysis Paralysis*

    Shrill was a really great read! Fun, funny and very human. Great recommendation, Alison!

    1. Muriel Heslop*

      I was worried I wouldn’t like it for the same reason – too much shrill. Definitely will try it.

    2. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

      I just have to say, I love your handle. I first learned about analysis paralysis in a supervisory program I was in for work and it came up in a discussion about personality types and I was like “…OMG THAT IS ME AKFOROIGJGJUEUE738”.

      I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent pondering over choices for things at Wal-Mart only to give up and leave with nothing because I got so overwhelmed by the options.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        There are studies that show this, also. People end up buying nothing because they cannot decide which one. I once watched a friend spend 45 minutes deciding between two very similar pairs of earrings. One was $15 and the other $17. She could afford both, but felt it was too self-indulgent and she should limit herself to one pair. It was painful to watch. I prefer to walk away after five to ten minutes. If I can’t decide it’s probably because I don’t need/want the item.

      2. NeverNicky (formerly TeaLady)*

        It’s why I like shopping in discount grocers like Lidl or Aldi. The choice there tends to be baked beans or no baked beans, not four brands, low salt, curry, barbecue, with sausage, with five beans etc etc
        I also like charity shops for clothes and books for a similar reason.

    4. Dang*

      Best book I’ve read so far this year! And if you can catch her on This American Life from earlier this year, it really is an amazing and touching show.

  2. Anonymous Educator*

    Really excited about the new season of Master of None!

    What are you all streaming these days?

        1. Stephanie*

          I enjoyed it! It’s better than the movie. As someone who’s black and went to one of those elite schools, it definitely captured all the nuances I saw among my black classmates. The middle three episodes are really good–one’s directed by Barry Jenkins (the director of Moonlight).

          2. Anonymous Educator*

            Oh, that’s great to hear, because I actually liked the movie and was worried the TV series wouldn’t be as good.

        1. RKB*

          I know! I am desperately hoping for some Jake and Amy developments. I want to see Amy plan her wedding!

          1. all aboard the anon train*

            I really loved the last episode. It could have easily turned into Jake mocking Amy, but it was a sweet and funny way to show how well he knows her and how much he cares about her. I also really applaud B99 for having the characters treat a potential bump in the road as adults, which is something very few sitcoms do. I really appreciate that they don’t have ridiculous relationship drama for the sake of drama.

      2. CatCat*

        I’m dying to see it! Apparently, I watched season 1 without spouse so I need to go through season 1 again to rope him in. Love the show.

    5. Jen RO*

      I discovered we have Twin Peaks on HBO Go and I figured I’d finally watch it. (I “saw” it when I was a kid, but I don’t remember anything.) So far I saw the pilot and I’m not terribly impressed… but I’m gonna give it some time.

      1. katamia*

        I watched Twin Peaks a few months ago and really didn’t like it (to the point of not even bothering to finish it) even though I’ve liked other Lynch I’ve seen and generally love “weird” shows and movies. I just hated all the characters and didn’t care about what happened with them. I think I probably would have liked it more if I’d seen it on TV when it first aired, although I would have been too young to understand it then.

      2. Blue*

        I think it sucks. I mean it’s just bad bad. Awful. I’m really interested to see how this goes and whether it was just some weird thing that just happened to hit the pop culture zeitgeist at just the right time the first time.

      3. Anonymous Educator*

        Wait—is that the new Twin Peaks or the old one?

        Seems there’s a lot of hate for Twin Peaks here. I loved it. Or maybe I just remember loving it from decades ago…?

        3. Gloucesterina*

          Story-wise, the second season I find inconsistent to poor (I’m told that Lynch was forced by the network to reveal things that he didn’t want to reveal). But I think the first season up to about 1/3rd of the way through the second to be truly enjoyable. I love the world Twin Peaks imagines–the local color, the kitsch, the costumes, weird characters, and above all the humor. The storylines that are more humorless (James and Donna’s, for instance) I can do without; Nadine’s gets gratuitously weird without being interesting fast.

      4. anon for this*

        I liked it when I watched it a few years ago but I was a big pot enthusasist back then. I think that was the key.

      5. Jen RO*

        So I’m on season 1, episode 7 now and I can appreciate the film-making, but there is no story except everyone having an affair with everyone. I am really curious about the reboot now…

      1. BackAgain*

        I finished Season 1 last week. It was interesting and I’m looking forward to season 2 being available. Piqued my curiosity so I needed to Google the Madrid telephone building to see if it was real.

        Now, I ordered season 3 of Fargo from Amazon and have watched the first episode.

    7. Gov Worker*

      A Handmaids Tale on Hulu, binge watched yesterday. Elizabeth Moss is an ironic choice to play the lead, given her true believer status in Scientology. The church of CO$ also violates human rights.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Yes, I’ve been watching this, too. It’s a little heavy but well done.

    9. all aboard the anon train*

      I think I’m going to start Black Sails today since I love stories set in that era and I’ve heard there are queer ladies in it.

      Other than that, just my normal week to week waiting for new Handmaid’s Tale and American Gods episodes (the latter makes me happy I have a new Bryan Fuller show to watch, but it’s making me really miss Hannibal).

      1. Professional Cat Lady*

        I just finished watching Black Sails this week. It broke my heart in places. Enjoy!

      2. CatCat*

        Black Sails is awesome, we love it! A fun mix of fictional and historical persons. It’s really intense! I had a blast watching it after reading a book about pirates (though I had to pause the show a lot and tell my spouse about the actual history of the some of the people.)

    10. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I’m almost caught up on Transparent, which I only started a few weeks ago, although it had been on my list for a while. My wife and I just started Designated Survivor, I think because someone here said it was good. (It is!)

    11. katamia*

      Stargate SG-1 on Hulu. I missed it while it was on and am really loving it (season 7 now, I think). Then after that I’ll move on to Atlantis.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I just started rewatching Atlantis today! I like it better than the original.

    12. Sarah G*

      I enjoyed “Easy,” although the fact that it’s shot largely in my old neighborhood in Chicago influenced that to a degree. I mean, I actually once photographed a band photo shoot in one of the rooms they show in Old Town School of Folk Music. But still, it’s a clever and authentic show and I like the actress Kate Micucci.

      3. fposte*

        Wait, I have to find this–Kate Micucci and the Old Town School of Folk Music? That sounds perfect.

        1. Sarah G*

          Dinosaur – Garfunkel & Oates are great!
          And fposte, that is so cool that you know the Old Town School. I love that place, took dance there for years, and also a few guitar classes, and know a lot of the teachers there. There are a couple episodes of Easy that take place in the Lincoln Square neighborhood and show a lot of my old stomping grounds. I live in the Bay Area now and love it here, but miss Chicago and visit often.

    13. SeptemberGrrl*

      Just finished watching all 3 seasons/series of “Last Tango in Halifax” on Netflix. It’s a UK show, featuring Sarah Lancashire of “Happy Valley”, a family drama that revolves around a man and a woman in their 70s who were childhood friends and almost-sweethearts; they’ve both been widowed and they reconnect on Facebook and fall in love. I love the Yorkshire setting! The last episode aired over 2 years ago but they recently announced a two hour Christmas special coming this year.

    16. Librarian from Space*

      A classic: Golden Girls. All seasons are on Hulu now. The show still really holds up!

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        This is seriously my go-to when I need something light to watch. Always worth it for the acting and comedy!

        1. Windchime*

          Same here. I had some serious struggles with anxiety in the past year and I watched a lot of Golden Girls during that time. Funny and simple.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      I need to watch that!
      I’ve been sporadically watching the new episodes of Red Dwarf on Britbox. They’re good. It’s been fun to see Dave, Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten again.

    18. Elsajeni*

      I got interested in Lucha Underground last year and was watching the small amount that they put up on Youtube, and now the first two seasons are on Netflix! I’m almost through the first season and I’ve moved on to the “try to infect others” stage of fandom, because I need more people to talk to about it.

    19. Fenchurch*

      Malcolm in the Middle on Netflix, it’s still a really funny show. It spawned a lot of comedies based on being lower-income like My Name Is Earl, The Middle, Raising Hope, etc. Also the dynamic of the family is fantastic!

  3. Handy Nickname*

    Social etiquette question:
    How do you go about exchanging phone numbers/social media info with people?
    I’m in my early 20s and have some contact friends, especially coworkers I would love to connect with more and not quite sure how to go about it. For context, I work in retail and many of my coworkers are friends with each other outside of work. I’m a little on the fringe since I work in a different department and have a separate, non-work social circle, but we get along splendidly and I’ve been invited to a few parties as well as being a first choice for work-related elective fun stuff.

    However, I can’t figure out how everyone connects online! Part of it is that I’m paranoid of requesting to follow or friend someone and then feeling obligated to accept, because if they don’t want to, it’s really fine and I would have no hard feelings whatsoever!

    Any script ideas? I’m especially looking for Snapchat and texting buddies, which is very in sync with our workplace.

    tl;dr
    I’d love to friend a few coworker buddies online without making them feel obligated to accept and need scripts.

    1. Handy Nickname*

      Edit to add: would love scripts for non-coworker acquaintances too, just that most of the people I’d like to connect with currently work with me. Thanks!

    2. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Oh man. I’m sad to admit (or proud?) that at 31, I have no idea what Snapchat is. I’m sure you’ll make friends in no time though!

      1. Gaia*

        I thought I knew what it was until she mentioned friending people. It isn’t a texting app? Also 31 and confused…

        1. Stephanie*

          I’m 31 in grad school and most of my cohort is closer to early-to-mid 20s. They convinced me to join Snapchat. I did and I feel every one of my 31 years using it. I…just don’t get it. (I’ve figured out how to use it, but I sort of don’t see the utility of it.)

            1. Stephanie*

              I mean, the first time I heard about it, I was like “This sounds like something for people to send nudes.”

                1. Handy Nickname*

                  Yeah, that’s what it was originally created for if I recall correctly, but that is definitely not how I’m using for about a gazillion and 12 reasons.

            3. super anon*

              I’m in my late twenties and I use snapchat almost exclusively as my source of social media. Lots of my friends live far away from me and it’s a great way for all of us to keep track of our lives. My partner is in his mid-thirties and doesn’t understand it at all, or get the appeal.

          2. Janelle*

            I’ve used it and sort of understand how but I think it is just ridiculous. I ended up with video after video of people just staring into the camera with some fake flower on their head. Why? Why? What a waste of life. I don’t get it.

            2. Handy Nickname*

              That’s really funny actually because that’s how I’d always pictured it and the whole thing seemed so dumb. Fortunately my social circle uses it differently (lots of animal pictures!) and have have thus far received one selfie and zero pictures with flower crowns or dog faces. :)

              1. Stephanie*

                Yeah, I’m mostly using it to send silly photos. I still think it’s bit superfluous, but eh.

                1. Handy Nickname*

                  My people are mostly sending snaps of their cute animals and and new food they know I’d like. I like it because it’s more immediate and in the moment and it’s still a novelty to me.

          3. Mallory Janis Ian*

            My two coworkers in their mid-twenties use it, and I’ve been wondering if I should add it to my social-media lineup. But seeing what they’ve shown me about it, I don’t really get it. It seems like it’s mostly about putting different animal ears and noses on pictures of yourself and sending them to your friends? Which, after doing that once or twice and getting a good laugh out of it, who has that much sustained interest in anyone else’s manipulated images of themselves?

            1. Mallory Janis Ian*

              Maybe it’s like the old deal with pictures of one’s children and grandchildren: I’ll show interest in yours if you show interest in mine.

          4. Jax*

            Also, 31. I had my partner’s 16 year old son give me a quick lesson. I am still clueless, but like to take selfies with the filters that I mostly send to no one. Only occasionally do I send them to my best friend (who encouraged me to get it) but I still don’t feel confident/witty enough to do it regularly.

          5. Thlayli*

            The benefits over whatsapp as far as I can see are mainly that videos/pics automatically delete so you can send each other silly stuff without feeling like you are cluttering up inboxes. Also there are lots of filters for making “funny” pics and vids and if you both install Bitmoji you can do cartoon pics of the two of you together doing things.

            1. Thlayli*

              I really just use it to communicate with one particular friend in another country. Time difference makes it difficult to Skype or have text convos so it works well for us. We’re both late 30s lol

          6. Audiophile*

            Yes, I turned 31 this year and I don’t get it either. I’ve SnapChatted and I still don’t get it.

    3. misspiggy*

      I’m too old for Snapshot, but I usually say, ‘Are you on Facebook?’ Then if they want an out they can say, ‘Well, I am but I don’t use it very actively/Yes, but I don’t friend colleagues/Yes, look, here’s my profile, shall I add you?’

    4. Gaia*

      I think because I am so okay about not accepting friend requests, I do not think twice about sending them out either. If someone doesn’t accept, cool. If they do, also cool. I do know some people who make it A. Thing. however.

      1. Mike C.*

        Yeah, I’m the same way. I’m not sitting there keeping track of everyone who friends/unfriends me.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      Just add people on Facebook. You’ve known them long enough. And next time someone invites you to something in person, say “sure, let me get your number.” You don’t need a reason.

      1. Handy Nickname*

        I guess where I get stuck is that the social invitations don’t tend to come with built-in opportunities for getting phone numbers, unless I’m just being massively overthinking things (which wouldn’t surprise me in the least).

        Example: Hey you should come up the Super Bowl party at Other Coworker’s house! I’m making all the food, just text OC if you’re coming over (I have OC’s number). So I just… texted OC and got no one else’s number.

        And if I had gotten the first coworker’s number, that wouldn’t necessarily be an invitation to text st random times, right? Argh, I’m not generally socially awkward, but sometimes I get so paranoid of annoying people or making them feel remotely obligated to be friends with me that I trip up on pretty basic social stuff.

        I really appreciate all the feedback, AAMers!

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          Last time I hit a new Paul’s number I just handed her my phone and asked her to put her number in. Friendship takes more and more effort as you get older and as the forced proximity of school goes away. You have to risk being corny.

        2. Natalie*

          You probably are overthinking it a bit. I empathize; I do that too.

          Personalk, for Facebook, IG, etc, I just add people and assume that they will either ignore the add or mute me if they really aren’t feeling it. Because of FB messaging, phone numbers feel different to me so I generally wait until I have a reason to text people. For example, my book club went on a trip to a charter member’s house out of state, and at that point we all exchanged numbers.

          That said, getting someone’s number doesn’t mean you have to text them random stuff if your relationship doesn’t work that way. I have a few friends that I text like that, and some I don’t. There’s no one-size-fits-all method.

          1. Handy Nickname*

            Happy to report I just added a couple of coworkers on IG! One of them followed me back almost instantly, which made me feel a lot better about asking. :) I don’t use Facebook really (have an account but never really got into it), and it doesn’t seem to be super popular among my coworkers, so messanger isn’t really an option, unfortunately, but there’s only a couple people I’d want to text specifically so kinda okay with that. We’ll see how it goes from here- thanks for the encouragement!

    6. super anon*

      With Snapchat I’ll just straight up ask. Sometimes it comes up naturally in conversation – like, oh look at this snap xyz sent me! and then i’ll say “you snap too? want to be friends?!?!” and then we do the exchange and go from there. I’ll start with a small amount of snaps to test the waters because I snap a lot and then if they seem to not be bothered I’ll go from there.

      You can also ask people to be in a Snap with you (especially if you’re at parties, etc) and often people will then be like “add me!!”. You can also just ask “who uses snapchat – I need friends!” at lunch or whatever as a way of making conversation. I’ve done all of these and it doesn’t seem to be detrimental to my social media experience, and I’ve added lots of friends using these methods.

      1. Handy Nickname*

        Those are perfect! I’d like to snap a lot, but worry about bothering people, so I mostly just put it in my story. Snapchat is harder for me to gauge too, since they don’t usually warrant replies, so I don’t know if they’re happy to see my snaps or internally rolling their eyes :/

    7. Sarah G*

      I think to some extent you’re overthinking it! When I’m fond enough of someone to want to be fb friends, I either find them on fb and friend them, or just say, “Hey, are you on fb?,” and the typical answer is, “Yes, let’s be fb friends!” Sometimes they find me first, and I’m always happy when someone I’m friendly with sends me a request, whether we’ve discussed it or not.
      I don’t like to be fb friends with people I work closely with unless we hang out outside of work too or have a particularly warm relationship, so if someone doesn’t accept your friend request, don’t take it personally.
      As for phone numbers, in that situation where you texted OC about the superbowl party, you could always have said to First Co-worker, “Hey can I get your number too just in case?” And then yes, it’s okay to text again in the future with the occasional invite, “Hey, it’s Hand Nickname from work. Jill and I are grabbing a beer on Sat, want to join us?” If you never get a response, then you can take that as a cue, but people generally appreciate friendly overtures!

      1. Handy Nickname*

        That makes a lot of sense- I’m inclined to overthink making social overtures and forget that there will be a lot of places along the way that I can back off if it seems like they’re just not feeling it. Thanks!

        1. Sarah G*

          I used to be more inclined to overthink this stuff but I’ve learned that people usually appreciate when you reach out and make the overture. If they aren’t responsive, like you said there will opportunities for you to figure that out and back off! I met a woman at an ongoing training at work — we work in neighboring departments but rarely saw each other until this training. I had an extra ticket to a play at one point and invited her. She couldn’t make it but that we should make plans for something else. I told her I really enjoyed her company and would love to hang out, and she said she enjoyed my company too, and now we are friends! If you are friendly and keep it casual, no one will mind, as long as you are not persistent when someone is unresponsive or as you said “just not feeling it.”

    8. MicroManagered*

      Recently a coworker asked me (verbally) “Can we be Facebook friends?” I said “Of course” but I thought asking me verbally had a certain panache to it because if I wanted to decline, I had a chance to say like “I don’t friend people from work–nothing against you” or something.

      For texting, I’ve had several experiences where someone says “I was gonna text you, but” which gave me an opening to be like “Do we not have each other’s numbers? Can we fix that right now?” And then I ask for their number, but it in my phone, and text them my name.

    9. Nic*

      I am a socially anxious introvert who isn’t good at making initial overtures. I got to be friends with someone who has remained one of my best friends for several years when I walked by her desk and she said “you seem really cool. I want to be friends.”

      I wouldn’t suggest that approach for everyone, but if you know someone at work who is kind of quiet but friendly it might be worth trying.

  4. Bibliovore*

    Checking in to say it is a perfect day where I am weather wise. We are planting some annuals. Pacing myself. Planning for a kitchen renovation. New floor. New countertop. Keeping the cabinets. New appliances. The stove is broken and the dishwasher only works every third run or so. Both are over 30 years old. Got a new fridge in the fall.

    Looking at a duel fuel stove. Anyone have one of those and/or a brand they like. Looking at a GE right now. thirty inches.

    2. Tempest*

      I had a Cannon one (I assume by dual fuel you mean gas hob and electric oven?) and now have a Hotpoint. I miss the Cannon a great deal even though they are ultimately all made by the same parent company. It just felt more high end, but the electrics all died in a dramatic melty fashion and I didn’t feel comfortable having another one. It was cream with gold hardware, kind of like a mini range cooker and I loved it. I designed the whole kitchen around it when we gutted the house before we moved in. We went with the Hotpoint when it died because it did everything we needed but was cheap, as we’ll likely have to remodel the kitchen in the next five years and when we do I’m having a proper range cooker inside the chimney breast instead of the silly gas fire we never turn on.

      Mine is a double oven as well. The bottom one is just an oven and the top little one is a grill/secondary oven. It makes doing a roast dinner so much easier. It’s only 24 inches wide but I think that’s pretty standard for the UK. Coming from exclusively electric hobs as a kid, I’ll never ever leave gas hobs now that I know how awesome they are. I’m not sure how brands will differ from UK to the USA though. I have a fan oven which I think is termed convection in the states. The fan is supposed to blow the hot air around and stop the oven having hotter and cooler zones. I bake in it all the time and never burn anything.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Thanks . Yes , gas stove and electric oven The house came with electric but there is a gas line and the contractor recommended the dual.

        1. Tempest*

          Yeah, if gas rings are an option totally go for it. The heat is instant and then gone (bar the stands obviously!) when you shut the ring off. We only had electric at my mom’s and even compared to her newest ceramic top electric stove, I would still take my gas one every time. We have mains gas for the central heating and I had the gas line for the stove added when we did the kitchen because I didn’t want to go back to electric. I don’t think you’ll regret it. The concept of gas scared me at first but it’s got an electric igniter so it’s really no harder to get going than electric was anyway.

    3. ..Kat..*

      We have had a Dacor for about 17 years. Oven is regular/convection as well. Love it!

  5. Jess R.*

    When is it okay/wise to contact an ex?

    Relevant details: I broke up with her almost a year ago. We had some problems, but the breakup was mostly because we’d moved to opposite coasts and neither was particularly willing to move to the other. We’ve only been in contact a couple of times since then, and only for brief and/or practical matters (happy birthday emails, a question about a mutual friend, a butt-text and subsequent clarification).

    We are not connected on social media, but neither of us has the other blocked either. I know she has a new girlfriend, although she doesn’t talk about her much on social media.

    I miss her. She’s a wonderful human. I do miss her romantically & regret the breakup, but I’m not going to say that because she’s with someone and I don’t want to be in the way of that. I also miss her friendship. I also still have a book that belongs to her that I should send back, which I could do with a note.

    Time is supposed to make it easier not to contact your ex, but I’ve missed her for months and it’s getting worse, not better. What do I do?

    1. fposte*

      The fact that you really, really want to contact her and are still interested in her romantically is to me a great reason why you shouldn’t step up contact. If you want to send the book back, that’s fine; do it with a note. But I think it’s better for you to be less in touch and not more for a while, and to let of the picture of what life would be if it had her in it.

      (The contact occasions you mention–did she initiate some of those, not counting the butt text? Because if she didn’t, then you definitely shouldn’t contact her.)

      1. PiggyStardust*

        I second fposte. Please consider the fact that the circumstances haven’t changed. You still live on opposite sides. She has a girlfriend, and is presumably happy. In time, hopefully you’ll do the same and move on with somebody new.

        Let her go. Skip the social media connections and everything else. Send her the book back with a note — nothing romantic, just a “Hey, thanks for letting me borrow this! Sorry it took so long to return. Hope all is well. – Jess”

    2. Turtlewings*

      I wouldn’t recommend contacting her unless you know you can be honestly, 100% satisfied with just being her friend, and let go of all romantic feelings. If you feel you can be in contact with her without just hurting yourself more, the book does provide an excellent way to get back in touch! You might even need (or “need”) to text her to confirm her address before you send it. Just tell her the truth — you know the romantic relationship is over and that’s fine, you’re not trying to resurrect it, but you miss her friendship and would like the two of you to try being friends, now that the worst of the breakup stuff is over.

      (If she wasn’t with someone else now, I’d say give the relationship another shot, but you don’t want to be THAT person.)

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      Honestly, I don’t think if it’s a been a full year that she really needs that book back, unless it’s inscribed with a note from a close and recently departed relative.

      I think when you’re not in this mode (I’ve missed her for months and it’s getting worse, not better.) would be a great time to reach out to her.

      It, sadly, probably will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better eventually. And when you’re fully over and fully moved on would probably be a good time to reach out to her.

      1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

        As a book cherisher, I winced at this. I STILL want my Good Omens back from someone I stopped being friends with some years ago. I lent it to her ten years ago and I’m still annoyed she never returned it after several reminders. Different from an ex of course, just wishing I had my book back :)

        1. TheLazyB*

          I once returned a book to someone after about a decade. I’d felt bad all that time. She had no recollection of having lent it to me.

          The kicker is, I’d only read the first chapter.

        2. Thlayli*

          Omg I lent that book to a friend and never got it back either grrrr.

          I love books. I also don’t think it has to be a massive drama being friends with exes. I am still friends with people I dated when I was a teenager.

          I would just text her saying “hey I found your copy of [book] want me to send it back to you.” And see what happens from there. You may even get a message saying she broke up with the other gf. Who knows. I’m fairly fatalistic about romantic stuff. If it’s meant to be it will happen but you have to relax and see. It doesn’t sound like now is the right time but if it’s meant to be it might come round again.

          Definitely unfollow on fb tho you don’t want to be torturing yourself with constant pics of her and gf

        3. Science!*

          This is why I have 3 copies of Good Omens: my reading copy, my lending copy, and my autographed copy that no one touches.

          I once lent an ex my copy of Stardust and never got it back. I still regret that.

    4. TL -*

      I’m seconding that if you’re still romantically interested in her, it’s not a good idea to contact her (and if you have her address, send the book. If you don’t, don’t, unless she asks.)
      Also, maybe lay off the social media checking. It’ll help not to be reminded of her.

    5. Sibley*

      Jess, go read some Captain Awkward, she had a post or 2 that may help.

      But no, do not contact your ex.

    6. Candy*

      Q: “When is it okay/wise to contact an ex?”

      A: Never.

      Sorry, probably not the answer you’re looking for, but seriously: never. Wish her well (in your head), keep the book unless she asks for it back (she won’t), and move on with your life making other friends and connections and living well. Maybe one day you’ll meet up again organically but don’t expect it and definitely don’t force it.

      3. JanetM*

        I think I disagree. Most of the guys I dated were in the same social circle, so I saw them all regularly even after we stopped dating, and still keep in touch with several on Facebook. A couple of them have visited my husband and me, and we get together with them when we’re back in Phoenix. I suppose it might be different had we been married, but I don’t know.

    7. Merci Dee*

      I agree with the “never” answer. Keep the book as a nice parting gift, and move on. You will not be able to be friends, with the way you’re feeling. And you won’t have to tell her how you feel for her to pick up on it. Just … no. Lose her number and find somewhere to focus your energies while you work through this.

    8. Jen*

      I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. I had a new boyfriend and he had a new girlfriend and even then, it took a long time until we could really interact again. We were each others’ best friends, and while i did not want to be his girlfriend, I really missed his friendship. Truely, I want to say it took 2-3 years before we were really back in Friend mode, and that’s because I was basically engaged and he had been dating the same woman for 3 years- we were 0% romantically interested in each other. And frankly, the only reason we ended up friends again was that we were part of the same college crowd, and five years out we lived in the same city. So lots of mutual friends/parties.

    9. Jess R.*

      Sigh. You all are right. I will not contact her. I will lay off the social media checking (which is occasional anyway). And I will send the book without a FEELINGSNOTE. Thank you.

        1. zora*

          Some of us are weird about our books, I have an ex I don’t really want to hear from, but if he had a book of mine and sent it back with no comment, I would be really glad to have the book back. I support sending the book with no note.

          But also, if it helps, you still might be able to be friends with her some day if you give it more time and work on your own stuff. I have been back in contact with my ex from many years ago, and it’s good now. I am glad we catch up a couple of times a year, and can reminisce about the old days. But we needed a few years off, it was hard for a while there. Give yourself some time.

        2. Panda Bandit*

          I’m against contacting exes but I’d send the book back. If an ex kept anything that belonged to me, I’d be mad. That’s my stuff.

  6. the gold digger*

    Alison, I know I am one of the worst offenders about going off-topic and I will reform. :)

    But I want to say that I loved the thread about Hills To Die On/Oxford Comma on Thursday. One of the main reasons I like this blog is because of all the OT conversations – I feel like all you funny, insightful, brilliant people are hanging out in my house and having a great time. (We are eating dill pickle cream cheese dip, hummus, and chocolate cake.) (And the Good Cheese. Because you are all worth the Good Cheese.) The line about “We will die glorious deaths and dine together in Valhalla” and the comments that followed that had me laughing all day long. (And even now!)

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I can’t tell if this is a complaint about me deleting it or not. If it is — please know I thought that was an entertaining thread too. But when the comment section is long and unwieldy, people stop reading. I’ve had a large number of people tell me they’ve stopped reading as much because of long and sometimes off-topic threads, and I’m concerned about that. Ultimately I’m going to do what’s best for the long-term health of the site overall, and I do not want it to turn into a Corporette-style free-for all. While I understand that some people enjoy that stuff, it’s not what the site is here for and the commenting section is large enough now that it has a much bigger impact than it used to. At this point, I feel pretty strongly that big off-topic tangents are impeding the mission of the site.

      In going on to read the rest of the comments on that post last night, I discovered there were zillions more off-topic conversations so I just gave up on removing the rest of them, but it was a pretty frustrating discovery. I don’t get the willingness to flagrantly disregard the site rules.

      1. the gold digger*

        No! I am not trying to be passive aggressive. I am one of the worst ones for going OT and I promise I will do better. I just loved that particular thread. And although I don’t mind OT conversations, others do. I understand your rule – it makes perfect sense – and will comply. :)

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        I do wonder if it would help to work out why people do certain things (some of which I know I’m guilty of) as without that intel it may be hard to work out what to do about it?

        I wonder if you’d find it helpful to talk to a consultancy that specialises in online communities (e.g. something along the lines of Feverbee)?

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Honestly, I think it’s because I haven’t been enforcing the rules as firmly as I should be, which would include more moderation and willingness to block repeat offenders (or at least put them on moderation probation). And the “ask the readers” posts bring out more of it because they are so conversational and share-y to begin with (and with yesterday’s, I wasn’t in there at all until later in the day, which didn’t help — but I have other work and can’t be in there constantly).

          That said, yes, I’d love to talk to someone expert in this because I’m figuring it out as I go and don’t have any actual expertise in how one does this. (On the other hand I’m also convinced, like most small business owners/founders/etc., that an outside expert could not possibly understand our Nuanced and Unique Dynamics. Which is probably not true.)

          1. RKB*

            Maybe you need to get comment moderators. I don’t know if that’s possible, but they wouldn’t have access to anything except deleting unwieldy comment chains.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Yeah, I know it’s the logical solution. I’m pretty convinced, though, that it would be more work than I want to take on. The devil you know, etc.

              1. Jessesgirl72*

                I don’t think moderators necessarily make more work, but the potential for more headaches are there. In some ways, it is easier for you to just delete/ban/put people under moderation because what you say goes. Once you add moderators there is an added layer of arbitration involved.

                I have been a moderator- once paid, and once volunteer from the users. Actually the paid for was to moderate the moderators as well as the board, so most of the complaints came to me. It is a fine line that needs struck between too strict and too lax, for sure.

                In my experience on the commenter end, the contracted professional moderation is the absolute worst. There is one in particular that I would leave if you hired, period. If you decide you need help, whether it is paid or volunteer, I recommend it being people you have direct oversight of. The groups never seem to gaf what the owner wants once a contract is signed.

              2. Natalie*

                This may be technically waaaay too difficult, but would you be amenable to give it a trial run with one post? Maybe an ask-the-readers post, where you can outline the guidelines pretty easily.

              3. gsa*

                I disagree. As you readership grows, your site should too. On or off topic, I have worked with a micro manager or two. If you want your site to grow, you might have to make some changes…

          2. Ramona Flowers*

            It’s not true – so long as you find a good expert/consultancy/whatever with a good track record in this stuff. If anything, speaking to an expert can help you see where you’ve gone off-mission and also help you figure out how to get to where you want. And that should involve talking to you and to your users.

          3. Allypopx*

            I think it might just be the nature of the beast with ask the reader’s posts. Those comment counts get super high anyway, I think they’re likely to turn more casual readers off either way.

            I did read the whole thing (as it was the morning after it went up, I haven’t kept up with it) and there were a ton of off-topic threads, but I found them easy to skip past, personally. They’re much more distracting on posts with a smaller comment volume.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Definitely true. The good news is that my tech person is in the process of testing a way to collapse replies to any comment, not just top-level ones. That would help make things more readable!

              1. JKP*

                Yes! Collapsing replies to any comment would be great.

                Also, maybe there would be a way to default collapse comment threads that are flagged as OT, so that the people who want to enjoy an OT thread about oxford commas can expand the thread and read/comment, but the casual reader can skip past it without any extra work. If posters could flag their own comment as OT/not OT when they post (with a little checkbox), then you wouldn’t have to do extra work to moderate/delete OT threads if your audience was doing most of the work for you.

              2. hermit crab*

                Awesome! I’m excited for this feature. I think it’s really going to make a difference.

              3. Parenthetically*

                Oh, that’s great! I also don’t mind OT conversations, but especially not if they’re collapsible.

              4. Miso*

                As a pretty new reader and very rare commenter, I’d absolutely love that!
                Even if the discussion is all on topic, especially the first comments get a looot of replies and often I’m like “Yeah, that’s all fine and dandy, but I just wanna read a new viewpoint now”. So I just scroll down and try to find the next “original” comment (that isn’t a reply, I mean), which can be kinda hard. It probably doesn’t help I’m reading on my phone.
                So maybe it also would be an idea to give the npn-reply comments a different color background, like yours are blue? Not blue, obviously.
                But that would make it easier to spot them.

              5. JHunz*

                I actually think this will fix the actual problem more or less entirely – not the going off-topic part, but the part where people stop reading the comments as a result.

          4. the gold digger*

            I think it’s because I haven’t been enforcing the rules as firmly as I should be

            I think that might be it, too. I didn’t realize some of my comments were considered OT until they were deleted in the past two weeks. Nobody ever sees the plank in her own eye, I supposed. But now I am more aware.

          5. Sarah G*

            Alison, I know I don’t comment often anyway, but the other day I accidentally made an OT comment and then realized right afterward and apologized. I’d wished I could have just deleted it. What if readers had the ability to delete their own comments? It might not help significantly, but it might help a little with due to the insta-regret moments.

            1. Detective Amy Santiago*

              The problem with that is if people say something objectionable and get called out, the person who made the original post could delete it and leave the rest of the thread without context.

              1. Sarah G*

                Yeah, I thought of that, but then I decided that it doesn’t really matter that much if the objectionable thing gets deleted, IMO. Would there be a way to set it up so that someone could remove a comment only if it doesn’t have responses? I have no idea whether any of those are an option, or whether it would even make a difference, I just know that I would have deleted my off-topic comment if it had been an option. But I don’t comment that often anyway, and now will probably be more likely to catch myself beforehand, after the one slip.

          6. AcademiaNut*

            My personal observation is that off-topic threads become a problem when you get a critical mass of long-term, regular commenters. For them, the forum is not just a place to discuss work issues (or whatever the column is about), but also an on-line social environment to spend time in. So they’re quite happen to spend hours on the site, talking about Oxford commas, or what is going on in their lives, or other off-topic threads.

            But for the casual visitor, or new people, or anyone who really just wants to discuss the blog, it’s offputting. First, having to wade through the off comment stuff to get to the meat, and second, realizing there’s an in-crowd and you’re not part of it.

            The other thing that goes along with this, which I have also seen on this blog, is that the the same regular commenters tend to dominate the discussion, and if you look at who is posting, a non-trivial fraction of the posts come from a small number of posters.

            1. Leah*

              I’ve noticed that too, and feel like it’s possible to observe the pattern and think that the in-crowd has different rules than less frequent contributors. Which is completely fine if that is the intent, but if Alison is looking for opinions from less frequent commenters then I’d say that I’m disinclined to participate because I read often enough to notice how arbitrary it appears and I don’t recommend that my staff participate either although I do recommend the posts themselves as reading often

          7. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

            I don’t know if I can be of any help, but without giving away too much personal info, I worked as a community moderator, primarily managing a large queue (in the thousands) of site-specific comments.

            I don’t consult (and haven’t moderated professionally for a few years now), but would be happy to share any advice/feedback that I can.

            I’ve added my email to this post, so feel free to reach out here or there if I can be of help!

          8. Todd Nilson*

            Hi, this is Todd from FeverBee. I’d be glad to talk about your moderation challenges. My Skype is todd.nilson so we could have an informal chat or call there if you’d like!

        2. Mallory Janis Ian*

          This seems like a fascinating field of study to me. Several of the doctoral students and tenured / tenure-track faculty in my department base their research and publications around behavior in online communities, and I’ve often wished I could read a paper based on the AAM community.

          1. Mallory Janis Ian*

            The most surprising thing I’ve learned from briefly reading some of their research is that human behavior is so much less individualistic than I would have thought. As in, they are able to quantify and predict, in ways that I didn’t realize were possible, so much of what happens in online forums.

              1. Junior Dev*

                Not an academic resource, but the discussion system Civil Comments requires commenters to rate other people’s comments as “civil” or not, and on whether they contribute to the discussion, before posting their own. It both catches troll comments by having other users rate them and apparently inspires people who have just rated a comment to be a little kinder too.

            1. Mallory Janis Ian*

              Cool! Now the next time I’m conversing with any of them about their research, I’ll send them a link to AAM and see if anything comes from it.

          3. fposte*

            I periodically check Google Scholar to see if somebody has published on AAM–I would seem an absolutely fascinating research topic to me!

            1. fposte*

              Okay, that was a really interesting typo–I meant *it* would seem a fascinating research topic to me. I actually do not wish to be a personal research topic :-).

                1. fposte*

                  “I propose doing my doctoral dissertation on me, because it’s about time somebody did.”

                2. Drew*

                  A Hierarchical Bifurcate Investigation Into the Etiology and Germination of fposte, With Special Emphasis on Online Participatory Interlocution and the Syntactical Imperative

      3. fposte*

        I bet from a moderator’s POV it does feel frustratingly flagrant! For me as a commenter, though, avoiding going off-topic is the hardest thing of all, because of that very “conversation in Alison’s living room” thing that’s gotten established. I’m a big rule-follower, and I totally get why that rule is here–but it’s really working against my grain to keep that in mind when a lively conversation breaks out.

        In case it’s useful, here are some things that might help me and maybe others. While you don’t state the “conversation in your living room” thing all that often, maybe it could be recast as an informal meeting in your living room, which frames it as a conversation with a specific purpose. Another possibility is to add “and make sure your comment helps answer the OP’s question” after the “Please follow the site’s commenting rules” legend above the comment box.

        And if this was the ask the readers post about overreactions, I think any ask the readers post is going to cause more ferment; these are stories being told because they’re worth reacting to. If you want to try to limit that, it might be worth a special boxed note above the comment requesting that things stay on-topic, or even requesting that people not comment on others’ anecdotes–that it’s just a post-an-anecdote thread.

        It’s tough! Commenter practices that are fine and enjoyable with 100 people just aren’t with 2000, and then it takes more work to clean up. But sometimes I forget about the other 1999 when I post; sorry, and I’ll try to be more mindful.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          These are really good suggestions! I am adding them to the list of things that will help (which is a literal list that exists in a draft email and which is giving me hope that there really are some pretty good solutions here). It also could be that the “ask the readers” posts should just get more leeway on this. That might be fine. (One thing I see is that I’m having trouble figuring out where the balance is — is it all bad? is some okay? it feels like some is okay, but then how does anyone other than me know what that balance is supposed to be? etc.)

          I’m grateful to you all for indulging me and letting me think out loud on this topic for the last few months (and for your insights and suggestions).

          1. Lore*

            I had the thought that maybe when people feel inspired to veer off topic, they could instead be encouraged to add it to the weekend free for all–maybe, if the original inspiration was tangential-but-relevant, put a single comment with a link to the new discussion in the free for all. That may be unwieldy but it would let people have both conversations.

            1. The Cosmic Avenger*

              Actually, that’s very close to one of the solutions I was going to suggest to Alison — a daily Open Thread, for those off-topic tangents that the day’s posts might generate. You might even be able to move threads there, although I’m not that familiar with WordPress.

              Another suggestion is to see if comments can be tagged “Off-topic”. The Washington Post does this, and allows you to globally ignore off-topic comments or see them, each user gets to choose. Commenters are supposed to tag their own comments as off-topic, but others can, too, in the same way you can report comments.

            2. Jessesgirl72*

              Maybe the free for all needs to expand to beyond the weekend. No one wants to move a discussion to a thread that is a week old and already has 1000 posts, or wait to remember for Saturday- assuming they are even on AAM during the weekend. But I forget which blog has a daily free “lunchtime” post. It was brought up on Slate (they pretended they wanted feedback once) as a gold standard of someplace that has little moderation problems and many happy users.

          2. Allypopx*

            In the original post for ask a readers threads, perhaps you could ask people to be conscientious about staying on topic, but not spend the energy trying to actively police it unless you check in and something seems to be starting to really go off the rails?

            My two cents: Granting more leeway in your own moderating brain makes sense, but I wouldn’t make it overly clear you’re doing that, because as you say, then people get confused. I’d state the rules as they’ve always been and then just resign yourself to the fact you’re herding cats (and that really the cats are trying to be affectionate and playful with each other and sometimes you just have to let them knock things over).

          3. Detective Amy Santiago*

            Something else that might be helpful – if your tech person can give you a way to freeze specific threads instead of either deleting or closing comments on the entire post. That way, you can freeze something that seems to be getting out of hand or too far afield of the topic, but it’s less work for you than deleting things manually.

          4. Snorlax*

            I think if commenters had a way to send private messages to each other, it might cut down on some of the off-topic chatter. That way if someone’s post sparks an off-topic question or comment from another poster, they can take it to PM instead of using the comments section.

            For instance, its lovely to want to congratulate a poster who mentions her pregnancy in a post where she’s suggesting a morning-sickness remedy to a letter writer, but it clutters the comment section if several posters decide to convey their good wishes. Or if someone pops up in comments after having been away for a while, it’s normal for people to say “great to see you here,” but it’s off- topic. PM would help solve this.

            I imagine user registration would be necessary to enable private messaging, so I don’t know if that’s possible but I do believe it would help.

        2. Lily Evans*

          I was going to suggest something similar. Like changing it to “Please stay on topic and follow the site’s commenting rules.” Especially since it seems to be one of the most broken rules and it really is easy to forget in the middle of a thread of conversation, having the reminder right there might help people pause and rethink before posting.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          One thing I saw recently was that a person asked “what is X?” and was told they were going off topic.
          I think that if someone is asking what something means it’s important to give them a brief explanation, so they can follow the conversation and so they can learn. We have such a diverse group here, people of all ages, people starting out in the workforce, people who did not learn English as their primary language and so on.
          I know there are times where I am sitting here nodding, “Yeah, what is THAT X thing anyway?”
          PLUS, this is a pleasant environment and for the most part people sound relaxed and conversational. But as I recall, the Friday and Saturday threads were started in part as a vent to release some of this “chatter”. Other places on the net, comments are long because of people being nasty. Here comments are long because of people being NICE.

          I do think that reminders of “how does this help the OP?” might be the quickest/shortest way to remind people to focus, focus, focus.If the connection between the dots is not apparent the commenter could add a short explanation for the tie-in. Sometimes it’s like the OP is not in your living room with us because we seem to lose sight of the fact of why we are on a particular topic to begin with.

          1. Jessesgirl72*

            You have a point, but when I see “What is X” I normally think they could have googled in less time than it takes to ask…

            1. nonegiven*

              IDK, some of the acronyms I end up googling have several different meanings, none of which seem to apply.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Same here. And some words have a refined, definite meaning inside a given industry. The word is not used that way in general. Other times I just have no clue. I could google, but sometimes the definition only leaves me with more confused. Usually commenters here can get the idea across in a couple sentences, which is enough for our purposes here.

      4. Abso-Anon*

        I fully admit to being one of the people frustrated with off topic comments and super long threads. If one comment gets to roughly 30 replies, I click collapse and move on. At that point, there’s too much fluff to even bother looking for the hidden gems of a relevant and practical thought.
        Additionally, I also find it irritating when one or two people are ALL over the comment section. I always catch the midnight post pretty quickly and within an hour or so, one person has made 10% of the comments/replies.

        1. Blue eagle*

          I agree with this. Can people be limited to no more than 1 comment per hour (other than the Letter Writer) on any given letter. It is disheartening to read the same people always jumping on the commenting bandwagon first and often so that it seems pointless for me to comment on something because the same people have already made the comments that I would like to make. So I just don’t comment and have lately stopped reading the comments.

          1. paul*

            I don’t think one an hour is a good limit, but maybe 2-3/hour? Or limit the number of times a commentator can post in one subthread per hour? What are WordPress’s options?

          2. Abso-Anon*

            I haven’t been reading as much of the comments as I used to either.
            When I first started reading AAM (lo, at least 3-4 years now), I rarely did because of the general reputation of Internet comments, but then I gradually waded in and was delighted with what I found. Now, it’s so cumbersome and overwhelming.

          3. Ramona Flowers*

            I used to make one comment on that post and people complained about having responses to different letters in one post and said they wanted them in separate comments. Those posts go up when I get up in the morning.

            I understand that this is how it feels, though this comes down to perception (and maybe Wakeen and the teapots don’t help). I’m also a bit frustrated that people don’t seem to get the connection between having kind, helpful, nice comments, and people who come back regularly. This is literally the only online comment section I can read without wanting to scream and facepalm.

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              In fact I remember feeling like separate comments was too much, but people kept telling me to do it that way.

              Cannot win. Giving up.

                1. Ramona Flowers*

                  Sorry, I sounded a bit melodramatic there – snowflake moment over. Just I remember being terribly concerned about seeming to post too much and, well, here we are. It can be hard to remember that what feels like just having a normal discussion on, say, a Facebook thread comes off differently here. On a Facebook or Reddit group (neither of which I spend much time on these days, before you think I just live on the internet 24/7), I wouldn’t think twice about replying to a reply. It can be hard to remember.

                  I think part of the problem is that this has become an online community rather than a blog – and some of the things that make people come back and post a lot, or have off-topic conversations, may well be the same things that also result in the comments generally being nicer and more helpful than in a lot of other places online. I also think there’s something in there about what makes people comment – finding shared connections, wanting to help others and value one’s own expertise or experience or whatever.

                  I wonder if it would actually work to just switch the posting schedule around? The five questions posts go up at a time when a minority of people are reading – it seems to be midnight for some and it’s early in the morning for others e.g. I read it over my morning coffee as I get up at stupid o’clock to comment. So a minority of people are coming to that post and maybe leaving three, four, five comments in response to all the different letters, at a time when a lot of people are asleep. It’s hard to read and not comment, because part of what’s compelling about AAM, part of why people want to give advice in the first place, is that it seems to be written in a way that encourages discussion (especially the short answers posts, which often don’t give that much advice so readers tend to have things to add). Maybe the answer is to do a one-letter post at that time, and post the five-questions ones at another time (e.g. the first of the posts that go up later) and see if that changes things.

                  I think the other problem that’s happening right now – and this is kind of subtle, but bear with me if anyone’s still reading – is that there’s a lot of talk about how some people (and I know I’m guilty of this) get in there early and say lots of things other people might want to say, and then other people feel discouraged and don’t want to post. And that’s a useful point to make. But think about it. By emphasising that in response to the super users or loud ones or whatever you want to call the people who are currently getting in there first, it’s also emphasising the message to other people that, nope, you shouldn’t bother posting your opinion as well. All the talk of how to make the loud people shut up a bit also sends a message to the quieter people that, yup, they do need to stay quiet, because it’s the same message – so it’s always possible that these conversations are also reinforcing the idea that those people should be discouraged from commenting.

                2. Ramona Flowers*

                  Haha, that was another amazing typo. I don’t get up early to comment! I get up early to commute!!!

                3. Elizabeth H.*

                  I don’t want it to be an online community, just blog comments. I actually don’t think that it’s the community feel that makes people leave more helpful and polite comments but the overall tone of the website. I just REALLY don’t want it to become a message board or even Disqus. There are enough of those on the internet.

                  I definitely don’t read the comments as much as I used to (because there are so many) but I haven’t really noticed there being an emphasis on not replying to replies or certain people commenting “too much.” the moderation/commenting rules seem pretty light handed to me.

                4. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

                  Elizabeth, I agree. I really value the comments here (on most posts), but I’m uncomfortable with how a “community” is developing here. (And I’m among the longest-tenured readers/commenters and a fairly regular commenter, so it’s entirely possible that I’m part of the “problem” I’m identifying.) It feels… exclusive. It’s why I don’t read the comments on Carolyn Hax or Captain Awkward. It’s like somebody’s club, rather than an open forum.

        2. Myrin*

          I agree, although with the caveat that especially with the midnight post, which for some commenters (including me) goes up right when they fire up their computer in the morning, it’s kind of easy to make 10% of the comments because there aren’t that many there yet. For example, if you write a separate comment for all five questions, at first, someone who scrolls down the site can see your name five times in a row and it will seem like super much. But when all of those comments get replies, the original commenter’s distribution appears much more spread out. I think when it does become frustrating is when that same commenter then comes back and replies to every reply they got, and usually with only a reiteration of what’s already been said anyway.

      5. The Unkind Raven*

        I found it annoying that thread was deleted. That forum was more open than others, so I didn’t get the deleting of it. I also don’t like it when some threads are deleted and other, also off topic threads are not. You write that it’s too pervasive to continually keep up deleting them, but then on the reader’s end it just looks inconsistent. I find that the moderation has become so heavy handed; it feels like a scolding every time it happens. I still like the site, I’ll still read it, but that’s my perspective. Thanks for all your hard work in running it.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          It’s definitely inconsistent! It’s the result of running what’s become a fairly well-trafficked blog on top of a regular workload. I can’t do the stuff I could do if this were my full-time job. I’m okay with that, but ask that y’all remember that’s the situation.

          1. Mike C.*

            You’re only human and I think you’re doing a fine job dealing with the complications that arise from a growing website.

    2. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Aaagh, I missed that conversation! It was gone by the time I checked AAM again that day, and I’ve been wondering what it said. I do understand about deleting off-topic posts, but now I’m having whatever the sensation of realized FOMO is. :-)

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Sorry, Alison — I was posting at the same time as you and now my comment beneath yours looks, perhaps, like a rebuttal of yours. That’s not what I meant, and I understand about the commenting policy. I guess that’s what we have the open thread for!

    3. Lissa*

      All I ever need to do is read an unmoderated forum of any kind to remind myself why more moderation of off-topic threads is a good thing. It also stops things from feeling as cliquey – there are places online where I never engage with comments because I literally cannot figure out what is even being said, or if people are sarcastic or really mad at each other, and there are so many references to things I don’t get that I just check out.

      I know for me the threads that are basically a long string of quotes from pop culture get frustrating, especially if I don’t watch the thing and have no idea what’s going on (which is usual)– but one funny comment referencing someone’s user name can make me laugh, so I don’t really know where the ‘line’ is even for me personally.

      1. PatPat*

        Totally agree about sites feeling cliquey. Sites where the first comments you read are some version of, “Hey, girl where you been? Did you get things straightened out with your boyfriend?” are sites I don’t spend a lot of time visiting.

        1. Blue*

          There are comments sections now that are basically serving the function of AOL chat rooms — but not in real time. Someone would make a killing bringing those back for a new generation that clearly wants/needs something like that.

        2. The Unkind Raven*

          I mean…that does happen here. It can get cliquey on AAM. People really don’t like that when you say it, but I can’t be the only one who has noticed.

          1. fposte*

            Any suggestions for mitigating that while still allowing the community benefits? I agree with PatPat that I’m really put off by a comments section that starts right off with social catchup, but I also really like the familiarity of repeated commenters.

            1. CMT*

              I think you actually do a very good job of not perpetuating that atmosphere, even though you’re a frequent and well-known commenter. But your comments are always relevant and helpful. What most annoys me are the “in-crowd” commenters who say things like “Alison says this, and Alison says that” and come off like they have this sense of authority due to their frequent commenter status. Plus it just sounds so much like a teacher’s pet, that it annoys me on a personal level.

          2. Jessesgirl72*

            I think people need to get over being so against the normal familiarity that comes with good online communities. It’s kind of a pet peeve of mine, because I’ve been hit over the head with it since I was a teenager, but when you start criticizing people for it, all you are doing is penalizing people for liking some people better than others.

            If new commenters were having their opinions minimized or ignored or drowned out by or because of the older and more prolific commenters, then sure- there is a problem and it needs shut down. But if the old timers are welcoming and willing to accept newcomers and include them… well, for anyone who then is still unwilling to jump in because other people know and like each other? Then that is really their problem.

    4. Schnapps*

      If you ever want to talk about the Oxford comma, I will definitely participate. I love me some Oxford commas and believe they should be on an endangered species list.

  7. Ramona Flowers*

    Are the kitties playing that iPad game for cats? Mine couldn’t get the hang of it as he kept looking behind the iPad…

    I gave up smoking this week. Using an e-cigarette a tiny bit here and there but trying to keep that to a minimum as in the past I’ve ended up just spending loads of money on vaping. Anyway, my e-cig went missing yesterday. My husband handed it to me this morning and asked me why I’d tucked it into his jacket? Except I hadn’t. Which leaves one four-legged suspect!

  8. fposte*

    I know some people here are fans of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and some people are fans of Caity Weaver, because they recommended her wonderful “Thatz Not Okay” Gawker column a few years back.

    If you like either of them, you will be pleased to know the new GQ includes an absolutely delightful piece by Caity Weaver about how absolutely delightful Dwayne Johnson is. http://www.gq.com/story/dwayne-johnson-for-president-cover

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I love them both, but I loooooooove Dwayne Johnson. He is at the top of My List (yes, that List) and the only man I ever want to stare at, sigh, and say, “He’s so dreeeeeamy!”

    4. hermit crab*

      Ahhhhh, this is so charming! I am sitting here reading every other sentence out loud to my husband, who is also reading the article.

    5. Victoria, Please*

      That *was* utterly charming! I will have to go watch some of his stuff now.

  9. Allypopx*

    Allergy season in New England is brutal this year. Everyone around me is feeling ill. I’m not having a ton of allergy symptoms, but my asthma is out of control. I had the worst asthma attack on Monday that I’ve had in over a decade. My doctor screamed at me for not going to the ER.

    The doc gave me an inhaled steroid but that might take a couple weeks to work. In the meantime I’ve got my puffer and some allergy meds, but I still can barely walk from the bus to work without doubling over in a wheezing/coughing fit. Exercise is out of the question. Sexytime is out of the question. Basically anything that involves breathing. Short spurts of being outside make me feel like my life support bar is depleting in the radiation. (Mass Effect reference? Is this the crowd for that?) My Fitbit thought I exercised for 20 minutes yesterday when I was sitting and playing D&D, I think the excess talking and being excited just got my heart rate up.

    Mostly I’m whining. But if anyone has advice for wading through the next week or so I’d love it (the pollen next week is supposed to be EVEN WORSE. Yay!)

    1. all aboard the anon train*

      Ugh, tell me about it. I usually go for Zyrtec and ibuprofen, but I’ve been sneezing like crazy and my eyes are so red and itchy. I miss the days of my childhood when I had no seasonal allergies.

    2. Turtlewings*

      I usually don’t even HAVE seasonal allergies, and they’re driving me nuts this year. I think it’s nation (world?) wide — I’m in Texas. I’m the last one to have advice because I’ve never had to deal with it before, but good luck, you’re not alone!

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        Yeah, it is everywhere this year. I have heard complaints in the Midwest, East, Southwest, and West Coast.

      2. NoMoreFirstTimeCommenter*

        Not worldwide. Finland has it easy for the second year in the row.

    3. NoMoreMrFixit*

      I’m outside of Toronto and it’s pretty bad up here too. The usual mix of meds I take for allergies are barely doing anything this year for me. Hot showers help open my sinuses temporarily. Eucalyptus essential oil helps too.

    4. Anon for current purposes*

      Is feeling generally under-the-weather a symptom of allergies? I’m just curious; that’s never happened to me a lot in Spring but I’ve had a few bouts this month.

    5. This Daydreamer*

      Are you using one of the newly-OTC nasal sprays? Nasacort has done wonders for me.

      1. Allypopx*

        I’m not having any nasal congestion and because of my asthma I’m super hesitant about inhaling heavy liquids in case they settle in my lungs (bronchitis is no bueno). Even with my typical inhalers I use a spacer.

        BUT, if others need allergy recs, I can confirm having heard wonderful things about nasacort.

    6. Josie De Vivre*

      In Texas we have “cedar fever”. Some people have good results using a Netipot. I can’t use them, but saline nasal spay helps me.

    7. Andrea*

      Do you have the emergency asthma spray? The one that works about 6 hours? Maybe you could take that daily till the steroids kick in?

      1. Andrea*

        Also, just in case you don’t already know but:
        – rinse your hair before going to sleep
        – wear (sun-)glasses at all time outdoors
        – only air your house very early or very late
        – use saltwater (isotonic water) to rinse your nose and eyes

        1. neverjaunty*

          This. My eye doctor also recommends gently washing your eyelids and eyelashes with diluted baby shampoo (rinse well!) before bed to get rid of accumulated pollen.

    8. Merci Dee*

      I have insane seasonal allergies with asthma, and I live in the southeast. Our allergy season started back in February, and it’s been coming in waves ever since.

      I take Flonase, Singulair, and Zyrtec daily for my allergies. My ENT told me those meds can make me drowsy, so he recommended taking at night since they all work for 24 hours.

      And, of course, I keep my albuterol inhaler within reach at all times.

      Good luck. Hope you feel better.

    9. LCL*

      I’m across the country from you, and pollen is actually backing off here.
      1. Wash all the jackets you are wearing regularly. Try to store them away from your living area.
      2. Wear a hat outside, take it off inside.
      3. Wear a hat, long sleeves and pants and gloves if you have to do any outside work.
      4. Try meds without sudafed. If the name has D after it, it has sudafed. I take sudafed separately as needed. Sometimes it will take a couple doses for your allergy medicine to work.
      5. Change your sheets, pillowcases, and wash your blankets today.
      6. Now is not the time for any spring cleaning that will stir up a lot of dust. Vacuum if you have a good vacuum.
      7. I drink a 1/4 lemon or lime steeped in boiling water and it seems to help. I have read in more than one place that citrus makes allergies worse. My experience has been the opposite.

    10. copy run start*

      I take Zyrtec and Nasacort year-round and I’m still feeling it this year. I just bought a second air purifier for my living area (already been using one for the bedroom for years) and it’s helping a lot just to run it at night.

      Aside from that, changing clothes when you get home for the day, or a second shower before bed can really help. There are special allergy detergents you can use for bedding and clothes too! I use one by All, but I’m pretty certain even Target is serving a generic version now. They’re not that much more expensive.

  10. RKB*

    I am leaving my abusive parents home on June 30. I am so terrified. I don’t know which is the best way to go about it: a police escort or just ghosting. I’ve been slowly taking some of my stuff to a storage locker every time I leave the house, but I need to exit with my dog on the day of, and that’s probably going to need police intervention. Cuz they’re crazy.

    1. Allypopx*

      If you feel unsafe, call the police. It’s not worth the risk if they could hurt you or your pup.

      I’m glad you’re getting out. I hope the outlook is better now, after this hurdle.

      1. RKB*

        Yes! I actually read more in the subreddit for first generation Indian children, as there’s a unique cultural aspect to being an Indian girl and leaving the house and how ingrained abuse is in our culture. But RBN has been so helpful. Even if Reddit is sometimes not the best, I’m glad RBN came out of it.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Which subreddit is it? I’d love to read it. Have read some of the posts specific to Indians on RBN.

          You sound very organized and methodical about your exit strategy. Your situation must be so difficult, and you’re doing an amazing job of doing what you have to to keep yourself intact. Brava! My parental relationship wasn’t as fraught as yours seems to be, but I certainly had a long period where contingency plans and exit strategies played a huge role. You’ll get through this.

    3. Red Reader*

      :( “vet appointment” or “grooming”? “Visit to the dog park” maybe?

      (I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t call the police if you feel it necessary – but if you wanted to try something lower-key first to get the dog out of the house, that might be an option.)

      Best wishes to you, and stay safe.

      1. RKB*

        Yeah, I was considering going to the park but in actuality dropping him with my boyfriend. Then returning with a police escort to get his food and my remaining clothing and some furniture I got myself. Since the car isn’t under my name, I also want a legal witness to me returning their things, like a credit card, mail keys, house keys, etc so that they can’t try and get me with it later.

        2. Yetanotherjennifer*

          Just remember, stuff is replaceable and you aren’t. The main focus is for you and your pet to get out of a dangerous situation. If that means saying goodbye to a bed or a chair or a bag of dog food, then so be it. I hope it all goes well.

    4. Turtlewings*

      I would say err on the side of caution, but if you decide not to go with the police escort, maybe you can say you’re taking the dog to the vet? Or, if you’re taking too much dog stuff with you to make that plausible, say you’re boarding her for some reason? If you can just sneak out in the middle of the night or when they’re out of the house, go for it the minute you get a chance. Good luck!!!!

    5. fposte*

      Do you have unambiguous proof of ownership of the dog? Registered to you, shelter payment made by you, vet payments by you, etc.? A lot of times when people are living with their parents (or SOs) the paper trail for pet ownership isn’t all that clear, and a clear paper claim may be what’s needed for the cops to be on your side. So if you’ve paid for everything from purchase to worming with bills in your name, gather ’em together; if you haven’t, maybe consider that a reason to go for the “dog park visit” rather than the police intervention.

      1. RKB*

        Yes! He’s registered with the city under my name, my name is on all of his vet paperwork as his primary owner, all payments were made by me. He has me as his only owner by the daycare he attends and my name and number are on his collar. He’s very much mine.

        I waffled on taking or leaving him because my mother really loves him… but that’s not reason enough for me to stay, so it’s not reason enough to abandon a four legged creature who can’t speak, either.

        2. fposte*

          Excellent. In general, cops aren’t interested in deciding civil matters like whose dog it is, so clear “Here is incontestable proof that it is my dog” stuff will make them a lot more comfortable with supporting the pup’s relocation.

        3. Trixie*

          Absolutely take him with, sounds like you’re keeping each safe and in good company in a difficult time.

          1. Bagpuss*

            If he goes to daycare, can you arrange for him to go there as usual,then pick him up after getting your stuff from the house?

            1. Perse's Mom*

              And make very, very, very clear to the daycare (and vet!) that no one other than you is allowed to pick him up. If someone else shows up claiming you sent them to pick up Rover for you, the staff for both places need to know they need to turn that person down and contact you immediately.

    6. gladfe*

      I think police departments vary a lot in how they handle stuff like this. In my hometown, I’d tell you to call the police non-emergency number ahead of time and ask for their help, but I’m not sure that would make sense everywhere. Is there a local DV shelter or someplace similar that would have experience dealing with your local police? They might have more specific advice on when to call them.

      1. fposte*

        That’s a good idea. I know not everyplace does offer the police escort service, so it’s definitely worth ascertaining before you plan on it.

      2. RKB*

        I work closely with police in my line of work, so I actually have the upper hand in that situation!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Not much to add except, warm thoughts and good vibes for safety. You can do this, you will make it. Let us know how it goes for you.

    8. This Daydreamer*

      Wow. Good luck! If there’s a domestic violence shelter nearby you can give them a call for advice. The one I work for is pretty strictly for victims of intimate partner violence but we can still tell you which police forces are likely to be sympathetic and what other services may be available that you don’t know about.

    9. LCL*

      You can do this!
      If you haven’t yet made copies of your ID and contents of your wallet, get that done. Leave maybe a copy with boyfriend, or at school or work.
      Maybe if you have access to an unsupervised computer, do a search for support for Indian women in your situation. There might be hidden allies that the wider community wouldn’t know about.

    10. Liane*

      Hugs for you. Many years ago*, my dad got the police when he finally left my mom, and took me along. I hope they still do this.
      I know most DV shelters can’t take pets but if there’s time, and you can do so safely, call and talk with a counselor at a local one anyway. They should still be able to give you some advice on how to go about this in the safest way.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Also some shelters have links with fosterers who will care for pets while you get out and get settled.

    11. Father who's an Artist, A Con Artist*

      Just wanted to reach out and give you my support! I moved in with my sociopath father post college with hopes that I could change him. After six months and my identity stolen, I moved out. It was tough, but I think being straight forward with him and having a support system with me at the time of move out helped a lot. I would also suggest calling the police, as I did not, and he accused me of stealing property that I did not. He tried to press charges, but the police didn’t investigate, as they knew of his con-artist ways.
      On a brighter note, that day and the weeks following were rough, but it gets better. Just remind yourself that you are you and not your parents!

    12. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      I think everyone has mentioned good possible resources so I’ll just second the suggestion that your and your dog’s safety comes first. Things can be replaced and they aren’t worth risking your near freedom and safety for, in grand scheme of things. Best of luck.

    14. SeekingBetter*

      Glad to hear you are planning to get out. I’m sorry to hear and I hope that your exit strategy works without them knowing about it.

  11. Red Reader*

    I am leaving Monday morning (like, I have to get in the car to head for the airport at 3am) for a week all by myself at DisneyWorld. I have not packed yet. I should probably go do that.

    Super stoked though. I’m doing a behind-the-scenes tour at Epcot one morning, and the Flower and Garden Festival is currently going on, and really I just generally massively love WDW, like this will be my 8th trip or so in the last two years with two more scheduled for later this year including my honeymoon. I’m also hoping for soft-opening sneak peeks of the Pandora area, though it’s not officially opening until the end of the week after I get back.

    (This morning, at the farmer’s market, the guy who rang me up for my cinnamon bun was like “Can I ask you a question? You have Mickey Mouse on your shirt, and on your credit card, and on your purse, and you have one of those little mice from Cinderella on your jacket. Are you a Disney fan?” I was like “… yes?”)

    2. Amadeo*

      Let me know how that goes for you. I went with my family and we had a mild disagreement about which park we were going to the last day of the trip (I wanted to go check out Star Wars Weekend, they wanted to go to Epcot) so I went to the Hollywood Studios park on my own. I may have just been self-conscious, but it felt like I got a lot of ‘little girl, are you lost?’ glances wandering around on my own.

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        It was you. :) I know a lot of adults who solo there. A friend does her own online business for Park stuff, and is alone there every day. The only grief she sometimes reports is if she has a table at one of the casual eating restaurants when they are busy. 2 weeks ago, she was eating lunch and two different family groups were really rude and obnoxious about wanting her table.

      2. Red Reader*

        I’ve gone solo (and wandered solo while there with groups) a bunch of times and never had any issues :)

    3. Jessesgirl72*

      The new fireworks show at MK that debuted last night us really super amazing! People thought nothing could top Wishes, but they were wrong.

    4. ArtK*

      Have a great time!

      Although it was a bit different since I’m a guy, I’ve done WDW solo. I gave myself the trip as a graduation gift many (many, many, many!) years ago.

      The only reason I wouldn’t go solo now is that my wife would kill me. She’s an even bigger Disney fan than I am (and that says a lot.)

      1. Red Reader*

        haha, I get a lot more PTO than my fiancé does, so I asked him if he minded me going solo once or twice a year :) he said no, once a year was enough for him!

    5. Little Missy*

      We were at Epcot the first of May when the Flower and Garden Festival had just opened. It was beautiful. I am so glad you will get to experience it!

  12. Sugar of lead*

    Ahh, weekends. The sun is shining; the birds are chirping; the flies are buzzing, and my phone is off so that I don’t get guilt-tripped into picking up extra shifts and running myself into the ground.

    An issue came up that I asked about yesterday in the context of work, and I’d like to do a sort of an informal survey: do any of you experience sensory issues, especially sensory overload? What are your experiences like? What kind of steps do you take to prevent it?

    1. Mimmy*

      I definitely have sensory issues, though some of it could be explain by having mild vision and hearing impairments.

      Hearing: I experience sensory overload. When there is a lot of noise or talking, I get agitated, particularly when indoors. I’m fine if I don’t need to be particularly focused, like talking to someone or paying attention in a meeting or class; I just tune out. But when I’m trying to do something, any distractions make me nuts. I almost feel as if I had some sort of squeeze toy, it would help. I’ve also found that when I’m at a gathering and I’m mingling, I find it hard to stay focused on the person I’m talking to. I’m also pretty sure I have major misophonia (sp?), which I know has been discussed here before – Any sound of crinkling bags or chewing makes me extremely twitchy.

      Visually I think I have issues too. I find it difficult to process a busy visual space, particularly if it’s in an unfamiliar setting. Examples include a large crowd or a grocery store. Although my visual acuity is impaired even with correction, it’s not super blurry.

      I also tend to get overstimulated by concerts, especially when the artist is someone of whom I consider myself a fan.

      Step for prevention: The only thing I can really minimize is the auditory sensory overload – I try to make sure that I step out on occasion to give my brain a break. Everyone goes to the restroom now and then, so I figure that’s a good cover :) I also tend to only go places with my husband, which I know is an unhealthy strategy. I’d love nothing more than to go to New York City on my own to meet up with former online classmates, but I know that doing so will be very taxing on my nervous system, particularly during the work week.

    2. Junior Dev*

      Yes! I am extra sensitive to sounds, I think it’s related to my anxiety. I also get overwhelmed by large groups of people ot by being in public spaces like stores. My best coping strategy so far is to know my limits and head home when I start to feel burned out, even if it means I don’t get to do everything I planned on doing. Having a car helps a lot because 1) I don’t have to ride the bus, which is extra overloading 2) I don’t have to plan every trip and feel like I wasted a bunch of travel time if I go home early.

    3. This Daydreamer*

      Ugh. Sounds, especially shrill noises. I’ve pretty much given up on going to concerts because of the inevitable migraine. I also get overwhelmed in crowds.

    4. Kate*

      I have ADD (they call it ADHD now but I am stuck in the past!) It is generally decently managed, but I am extremely sensitive to sound. I get extremely agitated if there is too much background noise of any kind.

      Fans running, dishwasher running, TV noise, my husband insisting on loudly mouth-breathing while he has a cold and refuses to take anything for it…

      As a rule, I try to keep things to one activity at a time. So I will make my tea and *just* have my tea (and maybe a book). I try to carve out time in the day where is just me and not my husband and kids (usually in the am, before they wake up). And we have a house rule of only one noise-making toy permitted to EXIST in the house at a time. Once the giant keyboard gets rotated in (ugh), the singing zebra goes (ugh ugh). And I never give noise-making toys to anyone else’s children! I call that my gift yo other parents like me.

    5. Tau*

      Yes! I’m on the autistic spectrum, so it kind of comes with the territory. And I’ll note that although the popular conception of Asperger’s is almost solely about the social difficulties, for myself I consider the sensory problems even more debilitating and more of a problem for everyday life. (Although executive dysfunction tops them both.)

      The #1 culprit is noise. Too much noise, or too much background noise when I’m trying to focus on something related to hearing (e.g. listening to someone in a noisy environment), feels like someone’s poured acid on my brain and which is eating away at my ability to think. I basically temporarily lose cognitive skills as time goes on, and if I stay I will probably end up a gibbering wreck in the corner where the only thing I am capable of thinking or expressing is oh god it’s loud. I’ve managed to avoid it getting to that stage, but I’ve had a few close calls – including one time I went out to a noisy pub on a trip and a friend had to walk me back to our hotel because I was in such a state she was worried I wouldn’t be able to make it back OK on my own, and another time my ability to understand spoken language blipped out for a bit when I was in a noisy environment and then got stressed on top of that.

      The only way to deal with it is to avoid too-loud environments and limit my exposure to the danger-level ones. Thankfully, I get a decent amount of warning before things start going seriously downhill cognitively speaking, so I can generally go “OK, we are in a danger zone”, turn around and get myself somewhere quiet stat. I also think my tolerance may have gone up very slightly as I’ve gotten older, although this may also be due to the fact that socialising as a thirty-something involves less clubs and bars. This was a huge problem in my late teens and early twenties, because I basically couldn’t tolerate any of the standard environments my peers used for socialising and I was more unsure of myself and would therefore let myself get peer pressured into going to unsafe places or staying there too long.

      Sensory problem #2 is touch – a lot of types of touch feel pretty terrible, and light touch in particular lingers in a really, really unpleasant way, like ripples in water after someone’s dropped in a rock. This is less of a problem in daily life because it’s a lot easier to control how I’m touched than what I hear, so I just don’t buy clothes that feel bad and don’t touch people much. (Being asexual really helps on the latter front. ;))

    6. Parenthetically*

      My only sensory issue is related to bass-range sounds. It’s not just “ugh, too much bass,” it’s a physical response — my heart rate and breathing go up, my jaw clenches, my whole body gets tense, my stomach starts to flip. It’s awful. If it’s in traffic, coming from a nearby car, I can breathe through it, roll my windows up, turn up my classical music until it’s gone. If it’s the person, say, living below me studying at 3 am with the bass cranked, I can spiral into anxiety really fast and it’s a major struggle to cope.

    7. HannahS*

      I have sensory issues d/t having fibromyalgia. It’s very difficult to describe. In general, the issue is that I can’t “mute” stimuli as well as I could before (and I’m in the strange position of having had fairly normal sensory experiences for 18 years and then surprise!). At parties, I have to concentrate HARD and try to read lips to hear what people are saying, because the background noise doesn’t fade to the background. To me, every conversation I can hear is the same volume. I know that it isn’t literally true in terms of decibels, but in terms of my ability filter competing noise, they are. Every chair that digs in to my back is going to dig in to my back the entire time I’m sitting in it. If my hair is touching my face or neck, it will feel like it’s rubbing against me until I move it aside. Mostly, my skin hurts. I know I’m overtired when clothes hurt my skin. I’ll start the day in rayon/spandex leggings thinking they’re the softest things ever, and within a few hours I might be in tears because they feel like sandpaper. It makes me feel jittery and agitated and like I really want to SCREAM and tear all of my skin off. It takes a lot of energy to push those things aside and focus. Sensory issues have actually aggravated my introversion! I can’t spend a day in the wide world and then come home and deal with someone else’s noise. Fortunately for me, I take Lyrica and holy moly it makes a huge difference (and manages pain, which is very important). It’s shocking to walk around the same streets I found to be such a sensory overload a few years ago and just carry on a normal conversation.

      1. Nic*

        I’ve never met anyone else who described the sandpaper feeling before, but I’ve TOTALLY HAD THAT. It’s the absolute worst.

        I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. :(

        1. HannahS*

          Thanks! Honestly, I focus on how much the medication has helped me. It feels miraculous, and I know a lot of people never find relief.

    8. PatPat*

      Yes, the general hum and buzz of an office really gets to me. Every day I eat lunch by myself in a quiet place, in my case usually the roof of the parking deck in my car, and have one hour of peace and quiet. It does wonders and allows me to recharge. In my position I’m not chained to my desk, do the majority of my work off site, and can manange my schedule as I see fit, so if the noise is really troublesome I just find work to do off site and take off!

    9. KR*

      When my anxiety gets too much I get sensory overload. I kind of shut down and can’t focus, and every single noise or person talking to me or smell or sensation or whatever is just too much. I usually end up looking like an idiot/jerk for a while until I realize what’s happening and can excuse myself either to go to bed if the party is in my house or leave if it’s somewhere else. I also really dislike music and the TV playing, as well as music that’s too loud. I don’t even mind loud music but if it’s blaring it stresses me out. Like the above commenter, I find driving everywhere to be extremely helpful because I can control when and where I am at all times and if I get overwhelmed I have a space ready to take a break or run away. I keep Tylenol/water to combat the usual headache and a blanket or sweater to comfort me. Also sometimes it’s just helpful to go in my room, close the door, hit the lights, turn my phone off and just process what’s happening in my head and give myself space.

    10. Nic*

      In general sensory stuff isn’t too bad for me, though too much input (especially of multiple sorts) at the same time will short circuit something in my head.

      I once spent too much time around too many people and overstimulated until I broke myself. It was really really bad. It took months for me to be able to speak without busting into tears from the stress of having to make a noise. (Strangely typing was fine, it was only verbal where I had issues). I also lost all social acumen I may have had. I didn’t comprehend jokes or humor of any sort. I had no tact AT ALL.

      Since that time I’ve been very careful about how many people I’m around, for how long, and how I’m feeling. I’ve let my friends know that this has happened in the past (in general terms, unless I suspect they’ll have to help me out of such a situation later) and let them know that if I say I need to get out of a place or spend a lot of time by myself, it’s IMPORTANT.

      When I feel it coming on (it comes on as an antsy-ness and a desire to lock myself away in a small room with no humans) I start clearing my social calendar, spending more time away from electronics and social media, and try to engage in quiet activities like reading or quilting.

      I wish you the best of luck in dealing with yours!

      1. Sugar of lead*

        Thanks Nic, and to everyone, for sharing your stories As a kid, everyone treated me like I was picky and selfish because I was always begging them to stop talking, or turn the volume down, to the point where I believed it myself. But hearing that you’ve all had related experiences has made me feel less alone, so thank you for that.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      Usually not, unless I’m not feeling well or it’s close to Aunt Flo’s visit. I have panic attacks but they’re not stimulated by sounds or crowds or anything like that. Which sucks, because I can’t always identify triggers easily. Mindfulness is helping with those, however.

  13. Belly Dancing Romance Writer Anon*

    A short story I wrote for an upcoming anthology has been accepted by the publisher! That makes 2 books and a short story so far accepted for publication in the last two years. My second book will be released in late 2017 abd the anthology I believe is coming out in early 2018.

    3. fposte*

      Hey, you–I don’t know your real name, but I remember your sequence of monikers and exciting stories, and that’s wonderful that your writing is going so well for you!

  14. Stephanie*

    People who are good at packing! Help! (I am not one.)

    I am moving for the summer for my internship. As I’m only gone for the summer, I’m just taking what’ll fit in my car (a Golf). I’ve got a large suitcase, a carry on, and like a duffel bag.

    1. How would you suggest figuring out what clothes to take (and how many)? Dress at my internship is business casual to start, but I’ll have to visit factories/assembly plants periodically. I could see the packing casual clothes + work clothes + gym clothes getting unwieldy fast, so tips on how to keep from showing up with a steamer trunk are greatly appreciated.
    1a. I’ll be in the Detroit area, so it’ll be warm and humid, but I imagine it might be cooler at night. What exactly are the summers like? I’ve mostly lived in areas with scorching summers, so this is new to me.
    2. My roommate is staying for the summer. He says repeatedly he doesn’t like to cook (and I can pretty much attest to that). 99.8% of the kitchen stuff is mine and we’ve been sharing. I’m in corporate housing for the summer, which does have pots and pans and such. Would it be weird if I took the spices and good knives with me? I don’t think I’ve seen him use either very often.

    1. RKB*

      Look up capsule wardrobes! I find those are the best at exemplifying how to cut down on your professional wardrobe but still look classy and different everyday.

      Also: folding things within each other and then rolling it up. So pop socks and undies into a shirt, lay the shirt on top of your pants, roll them all up. It’s unwieldy to unpack but you can take more of what you need.

      1. Becca*

        Capsule wardrobes for sure!!! I recommend The Vivienne Files— it’s a blog that focuses a lot on capsule wardrobes, and there are a ton of posts about packing and traveling.

        In terms of #2— just take what’s yours and let him know ahead of time. It’s not weird at all for you to use your own things! Good luck with your internship and have fun in Detroit!

        1. Rookie Manager*

          I would third the capsual wardrobe idea; choose a base colour (black, navy, grey, brown- whatever suits you) a couple of accent colours and keep the rest neutral. That means everythng can be mixed and matched including jewellery and shoes.

          I’m a fan of dresses for work as they can be easily dressed up or down, are comfy to wear and take up less space (and budget) than seperates.

    2. misspiggy*

      Prioritise formal, good quality clothes that can be dressed up or down with casual or smart shoes, tops, jewellery etc. Business casual is still pretty formal.
      Check with your roommate what you can take with you, but that sounds OK as long as he knows in advance.

    3. the gold digger*

      You will be working with engineers?

      Nobody will notice what you wear. Seriously. I work with almost all male engineers and I have a wardrobe of white t-shirts, black t-shirts, and a few skirts. That is what I wear. Nobody cares. Just take comfy shoes for the plant visits and accept that comfy shoes pretty shoes. (Which you already knew.)

    4. fposte*

      Well, it doesn’t necessarily cool off that much at night; you’re still thinking desert weather. And the humidity gets higher at night just to compensate :-). I would say a single jean jacket would probably do you handily for the outside weather, but during the day you’re going to be moving in and out of A/C, I bet, so a decent versatile cardigan would be useful.

      And I’m seconding the “uniform” idea. I’m guessing you’re there for 2-2.5 months? Figure out what colors you can simplify to and work from there. If you have enough black, grey, and white, those are the easy ways to go; you can add one other color (navy blue is an easy one) to mix it up. Throw in a few scarves to brighten things up and protect against the A/C. Separates are more versatile than dresses, but you also don’t want to go out and spend a pile just for this; knit tanks and cheap sweaters can give you a little variety if you reuse dresses. In general, I’m a huge fan of knits for a situation like this in general, but you’d need a read on their work appropriateness; knit summer skirts especially can be *really* casual.

    5. Undine*

      Think in terms of minimum, not maximum. You probably don’t need more than one factory outfit, for example, or one jacket for the evenings. (Google “Detroit climate” to get a sense of the range.) Find out how convenient laundry is going to be (small washer in the unit?) and expect to do it frequently. If you can afford it, set a budget for extra clothes purchases after you get there instead of trying to cover everything perfectly. If you have acceptable factory clothes that you wouldn’t mind tossing after a summer’s wear, take those. You will acquire things there — you are human — so don’t take only stuff you will *have* to take back.

      Packing cubes take up space, but they help you keep organized.

      If you’re really worried, you could pack a couple extra boxes of emergency clothes, label them clearly, leave them in your room and arrange with someone to pick them up and mail them if necessary. (Like Cold Evenings, Extra Office, Factory.) Again, that’s a cost thing though.

      Talk to your roommate and let him know you’ll be taking some of the kitchen stuff. It might be weird if it all just disappeared, but if you give him a heads up, I would think it’s fine. (But they will have spices in Detroit — it might save your energy/space to bring only a couple really special ones you know you’ll use, and get marjoram and oregano when you are there, then toss them or give them away when you come back. Again, if you give yourself a small budget to start up your kitchen, you can use that to cover gaps.)

      Take some stuff that’s special to you and that will help you feel at home. But small.

      1. Stephanie*

        Makes sense on the spices–I was mostly thinking of taking them after remembering how expensive it was to restock all of them…but I’m also imagining spilled cumin in my car.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          You can put the spices into a plastic bag, or even bag each spice individually and then put them all into a larger bag. (Zip-close bags are nice but you can also re-use plastic bags you already have.)

          Good luck! I hope it goes well.

        2. Natalie*

          They probably have co-ops or Whole Foods that sell bulk spices, so you don’t have to buy whole jars of every single one

        3. Dan*

          It’s expensive. Damn expensive. I’d talk to your roommate and take anything he won’t use. For the mess, staples makes some file boxes that are also awesome moving boxes.

          Fwiw, I still have some spices I bought in grad school. I only realize that because the brands are not things I can get around here. Sadly, grad school was enough years ago that I won’t admit it publicly, other than that it takes two hands to count.

        4. Gingerblue*

          If you need to restock, there’s a bunch of ethnic groceries in that general area which are way cheaper than normal grocery store prices for spices. (And if you’re ever out towards Ann Arbor, the store By The Pound has spices, pastas, grains, teas and coffees, etc. in bulk bins at prices that kept me fed as a grad student.)

    6. Thursday Next*

      I’m in a similar situation, driving to a summer internship with a business casual dress code. For clothes, I made a list in excel with very specific categories – business casual tops, other tops, shoes etc. It’s a little obsessive but I found that having everything written out helped with packing. I tried to pack a couple of “capsule” wardrobes and really had to limit the other clothes I brought – I only packed 5 cotton t shirts out of the 20 I have, I didn’t bring all my workout shorts because 2 pair is plenty etc.
      From my memory of upper Midwest summers if you bring a light jacket and a couple of light sweaters that should be good for a more chilly evening. If you’re going to do outdoors things into the evening bring some long sleeves that are bug spray friendly.
      Bring the spices and good knives. I’m renting a room through AirBnb so it’s furnished but I’m bringing a pie pan, my mini cuisinart and a couple of knives because I like cooking and baking, so I’d say bring your favorite knives and spices.

    7. Jessesgirl72*

      It won’t be cooler at night. You will be shocked at how hot and humid it remains even on the Lake.

      But you do get the occasional day even in July when it feels like 45. Pack layers for all levels of dressiness.

    8. Sami*

      Depends on what you mean by the Detroit area? The closer to a large body of water you are, the cooler you’ll be. It’ll definitely be hot and humid. And not necessarily less humid at night.
      I live about an hour NE of Detroit and about a mile from the St. Clair River (dividing Michigan and Ontario), and it’s cooler here than it is say if you’re more to west of the city.

      1. Stephanie*

        Yeah, further west (working in Dearborn, either living in Ann Arbor or Dearborn, depending where I’m assigned).

    9. Gingerblue*

      I did grad school in Ann Arbor, and Michigan summers can be brutal–really hot and humid, and not as much change at night as you would hope. Layering clothing is the way to go, both so you can take stuff off in the heat and warm up in overly air-conditioned buildings. Agreed that capsule wardrobes are a useful concept.

      If you’re coming from areas where tornadoes and thunderstorms are a thing, you already know the following, but just in case you’re not, look up preparedness actions for both. Summer thunderstorms are super common, and you want to take shelter before the storm starts and unplug electronics. (Sounds paranoid, but I know multiple people who have lost computers/tvs/phones/etc. to lightning hitting nearby powerlines.) Tornadoes are uncommon and rarely severe when they do happen, but we would get the occasional warning. The internet says Detroit has tornado sirens. Look up the schedule of when they’re tested so you know whether it’s a drill or an actual emergency when they go off.

      Have fun! It’s a great part of the country.

      1. Stephanie*

        Yup, I grew up in Tornado Alley. I assumed everyone grew up doing drills where you huddled against a wall, but apparently that’s not the case.

        1. gingerblue*

          Yeah, coming from upstate NY, the possibility of tornadoes in MI came as a surprise to me. I never realized they could happen that far north!

      2. dawbs*

        yup, assume ‘office settings’ = over airconditioned, so imagine what yo’ud need with men in suits operating the thermostat, but the heat can be BRUTAL. Like ‘set up cooling shelters in areas w/o AC, to keep people from dying’ sort of brutal.

        But, it’s kinda the unpredictably annoying sort of brutal for that.
        You may also want some long sleeved ‘thin’ shirts if you’re gong to be out at night-depending on what you mean by ‘Detroit area’, because our mosquitos like the heat. I’ve already been getting bites. If you’ll be out at night out of cities, assume the blood suckers are there.

  15. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

    I had sinus surgery and my tonsils/adenoids out on Wednesday. My doctor really really talked up how painful it was going to be; how it gets much worse before it gets better. So far my only discomfort is during swallowing (and it’s not that bad!) and when I first wake up (which is sometimes pretty bad but only until I get ice). If it stays like this, I can handle it.

    But I already know it won’t stay like this so I’m bracing myself.

    1. Anon for current purposes*

      I remember when I had my tonsillectomy at 6 years old, and I found out I wasn’t allowed to have Taco Bell. I cried up a river.

      Just wanted to give you a bit of humor to help you get better :)

      1. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

        No lie – I’ve been texting my friend about all the food I want to eat and we went into detail on the Taco Bell. Lol

    2. CheeryO*

      Sooo much commiseration. I had a septorhinoplasty about a year ago, and I’m currently playing nurse to my boyfriend who had a whole boatload of things done to his sinuses on Thursday (septum un-deviated, polyps removed, bone spur removed, and drainage holes re-configured). It’s been rough for him so far, but every day gets a little better. His doctor seriously underplayed how uncomfortable the recovery period would be, so in a way it’s good that you were prepared for more! Hang in there! :)

    3. DanaScully*

      I can sympathise, I had a tonsillectomy 2 years ago. I had 2 weeks off work following the surgery which I thought was sufficient. I was prescribed codeine and paracetamol by the hospital which I took at planned periods. I did find that by the time I was nearing my next medicine dosage, I would start to feel pain again. I also woke up in the night a couple of times in agony for some reason.

      There can be some pain when the scabs are loosening (I believe around day 7?) so be aware of that. My best advice is to not let your home get too dry (I used a humidifier) and to rest up. I basically stayed in bed for 2 weeks except towards the end of the second week when I felt OK to get up and sit downstairs for a short while. Do you have anyone looking after you? I lived with my folks at the time and my mum basically became my personal nurse. I couldn’t have done it without her to fetch me things and check in on me.

      Wishing you a speedy recovery!

    1. Allypopx*

      Worst: THE TREES ARE REPRODUCING IN MY LUNGS AND TRYING TO KILL ME.
      Best: Semester is over! I have a few weeks to play video games and relax on my days off before summer semester starts.

      1. Mike C.*

        Those trees are also reproducing all over my car!

        Yellow pollen really shows up well on a bright blue car. >.<

    2. RKB*

      Last Sunday my partner and I lucked out and won tickets to the Edmonton Oilers home game. We won 7-1. It was especially bittersweet as they were eliminated on Wednesday – but the atmosphere was fantastic and I’m glad we got to witness it. Definitely the best.

      The worst relates to my comment up above, but I missed a bus coming home and my father went berserk on me. It’s turned into the best thing though – because I am finally going, going, gone!

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          I’m already on vit D supplements as it happens but this is the post-quitting-smoking cough and there is no way round it – the crap has to come out!

    4. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Best: I had a phone screen yesterday for new job. I hope I get called back for an in-person interview.

      Worst: I’m feeling demotivated at my current job, and it’s not them — it’s me. My previous university department was more crazy and dramatic, but a better fit for me. This department is sane and dry and I’m just not feeling it for them, even after two years. I’m not saying that I want crazy and drama, which I realize it might sound like. I’m just looking for the department where my natural inclinations for how to do things is more in line with the department’s perspective of how things should be done. I miss not having to second-guess all my initial inclinations in order to align with the culture and habits.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      BEST: My girls came last weekend! We had an amazing time. I have wonderful friends and dammit, they love me. They also loved every place I took them to, which is a relief, because I was worried that I would talk up a favorite restaurant and they wouldn’t be impressed (why yes, I can be massively insecure).
      ALSO BEST: I baked a really, really good loaf of bread.
      WORST: My body hates me this week. Ugh, the CRAMPS.

    6. Hellanon*

      Best: finally feeling better after a 3-week bout with bronchitis.
      Worst: finally feeling well enough to both notice & feel the need to address the crud that’s built up in the last 3 weeks. I managed to keep up with laundry, the cats, and the dishes, but that was seriously all, and wow, does everything need a thorough cleaning!

    7. Mimmy*

      Worst: Realizing that my primary misery with my new job is my coworker, who is generally nice but can be negative. Yet, I’ve only been there just shy of two months and I’m supposed to cover for my coworker for a month and a half beginning next month. Otherwise, I’d probably be job searching.

      Best: Submitted my latest draft for my side project and, after a tough week, was told it was my best draft yet. Saw that email while at work and it was all I could do to not do a happy dance right there in my office, lol.

    9. Trixie*

      Best: Paid off one more credit card, one left. Once paid off, saving towards yoga teacher training.
      Second best: Week of house sitting coming up. Yay for some personal space!
      Worst: Feeling bad eating habits and age catch up on my frame. Need to remember hormones/stress will also cause weight gain. Kitchen habits more important than ever

    10. Victoria, Please*

      Best -had a magical weekend last weekend, running the Avenue of the Giants half marathon at Redwoods State Park, with my sister. We both swore the course was downhill both ways, in among those towering presences. Then we ate at Chez Panisse, something she has wanted to do for decades. (O.my.god, what good food. O.my.god, what a lot of money.)

      Worst – now I have a cold and am spending this weekend on the sofa.

    11. Gala apple*

      Best: seeing little kids from all different cultures dancing just for fun, together, not known to each other before, at my city’s festival of culture

      Worst: I may (probably) have PCOS.

    12. Casuan*

      Worst: Very stressful week with a few days of nothing-I-do-is-right & one of those days also was the-cars-are-in-the-left-hand-lane-driving-way-under-the-speed-limit-&-doing-other-vexing-things-like-that [which I deal with by thinking that they’re preventing me from a speeding ticket; I’m not so much a speeder, tho sometimes I realise I’m driving too fast because I wasn’t looking at my speedometer].
      Better: After much work, one of the most stressful situations got resolved by Friday night.
      Best: On Monday, I’m off on holiday!! Yay!!
      possibly bad: When I return from holiday, I might need to pack my iMini into checked baggage.

      :::focussing on the Better & Best!!:::

    13. Anonyby*

      Best: Went to a Stitch’n’B**** last night and had a lot of fun!

      Worst: New Coworker (who was supposed to have one final day of training on Mon with me before taking over her duties) had a medical emergency. Sucky for her, and I have to spend another week+ juggling both her job and my own…

    14. Red*

      Best: My husband surprised me with concert tickets last night and we had a great time

      Worst: Just about everything outside of that lol. My abusive mother is still causing me problems years after I left and ceased contact and I’ll probably not be able to go back to college because of that. Really makes mother’s day a fun time. Oh, and my apartment ceiling has a catastrophic leak – for the second time this month.

    15. Sparkly Librarian*

      Best: I am at lunch with my friend who graduated today! (and a lot of other people…)

      Worst: On Thursday my wife and I got called by the adoption agency about an immediate placement, and for a few hours we thought we might be bringing home a baby this weekend. So we talked to our bosses and whipped the nursery into shape. But then circumstances outside our control changed, and it turns out that baby was not meant to be our baby.

      1. Casuan*

        Sparkly Librarian, I’m so sorry about the adoption falling through. I hope you will have a new family member very soon!!

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        I’m so sorry things changed like that. I can’t imagine how hard that must be.

    16. Merci Dee*

      Best: signing the papers to close on my new house on Thursday! I never, ever dreamed I’d be able to own my own home. I’m just so ready.

      Worst: buying a house means you have to pack your s*** and actually move into the damned thing. If I have to throw away another bag of trash that’s accumulated during the last 9 years, I’m going to lose my mind. Oooh, wait. Kiddos room is only half-sorted …. I feel my sanity leaking away as I type. I’m just so ready for this to be over.

    17. Anxa*

      WORST: A friend was in town and we were supposed to meet, but she didn’t realize there was an extra obligation so we won’t be seeing each other.
      BEST: I cleaned my apartment for it, so now it’s clean anyway!

    18. Liane*

      Worst: still have a box or 2 we need to empty and see if contents are salvageable from flash flood a week & a half ago. We forgot about them. :(

      Best: My Mother’s present from College Son is a lightsaber!! The kind you can actually spar with. (Unlike my golden oldie Master Replicas, which is just for show.) I don’t know exactly what hilt or blade color it is; we looked at the website together and I showed him hilts and blade colors I liked, as well as what options there were. It won’t be one of the fanciest, I am sure. Heck I liked some of the lower-cost ones best.
      So next weekend, I should have pictures!

    19. HannahS*

      BEST: I got in to medical school! It was my third try, after my third time writing the MCAT. I’ve mentioned a few times on these threads that I have fibromyalgia–it seriously disrupted university and messed up my GPA, so having recovered academically from that (and having my illness managed well enough) to pursue this was a huge, huge personal victory.

      WORST: Apartment hunting. I mean, so exciting, but I went with my parents and hoo boy it was stressful. I feel terrible for being frustrated, though, because they’re going to be helping me pay for living expenses (and supported above-mentioned dream of going to medical school which is unfairly expensive and therefore classist as hell which is a discussion for another day), so I suppose I resent myself for being a spoiled brat. Not a great look.

      1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

        Congrats!!!! I hope you have good pain mgmt now?

        Mine also disrupted my university years so I changed my major and career path entirely since, at the time, fibro wasn’t a thing people knew about, particularly my doctors who suggested it was all in my head.

        1. HannahS*

          I’m sorry to hear it. :( I was very fortunate to have a doctor in my family who advocated heavily on my behalf–without them, I’d be in a terrible position. I’m on Lyrica, which works miracles for me. Nonetheless, medical school is going to be very, very hard, and I know I’m trading a lot of quality of life over the next few years in exchange for my career. I know a few people who made it through medicine with Crohns or Ulcerative Colitis, who’ve said variations of “It’s going to be awful; you’ll be sick the whole time. But it’s possible.” And I decided I want to be a doctor badly enough. So…I’m both nervous and excited to get started :)

          1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

            Oh awesome! I know a few people for whom Lyrica is THE medication of choice. I’m so happy for you that you have an option. And frankly to have a doctor who knows this stuff firsthand will be such a boon for your patients. I think too many doctors haven’t got nearly enough experience being a patient to understand how to empathize properly in a way that helps them do their job. You’re gonna be a wonderful addition to the ranks!

    20. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      BEST: Been on vacation this week and last night got to meet one of my musical heroes, get his autograph, a hug, and a ton of pictures with him. Added bonus of meeting other fans (there were only a few of us after the show!) and we all ended up going for a beer after. Turns out two of them were at the same show I was last week for a different band, and I think i was standing next to one of them (small small world)

      WORST: I thought I was finally getting over this sinus infection but now Im coughing for some reason. Could be trees as they are only just blooming now here in Scandinavia. Also, it was unbelievably cold here this last week and we had snow flurries so…. real bad timing weather wise!

    21. Fortitude Jones*

      Best: I passed an exam for my job on Monday, which means I get a $400 bonus check and am only two exams away from having the preeminent designation in my field. And my 30th birthday was Wednesday, and I got to spend it exactly how I wanted – in bed, snarfing down gluten-free brownies, and binge watching Graceland on Netflix.

      Worst: The guy from work that I’ve talked about here previously when I was posting as Doriana Gray, the one I had been gaga for who got married and then caused me to have a massive anxiety attack in a Starbucks months later (NotSoNewReader and others gave me great resources on how to deal with that last one then) – well, he and his wife had a baby either Thursday or Friday. Yup. He got married on my brother’s birthday and then had his first kid a day or two after my birthday – the universe really knows how to curb-stomp my heart. Oh, and I got three job rejections this week, so I’ve just been having a lovely time.

      I hate my life.

    22. Elizabeth West*

      I am so late that nobody will even see my replies to any comments, LOL.

      WORST: Nothing on the job front. Also, I am so incredibly tired of this place I can’t even concentrate on anything. It’s very frustrating.

      BEST: Yesterday I went to see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 and I LOVED IT!!!! I liked it even better than the first one. Every second of it was tons of fun. Yes, you have to sit through the entire closing credits, but even that is fun (there is stuff going on in and around them, besides the extra scenes). Just the opening sequence alone was worth the price of admission. :D

      I AM GROOOOOOT!!!!!

  17. Anon for current purposes*

    How do you get through noontime/midafternoon wearies without caffeine or napping?

      1. Stephanie*

        Also, I lived off Clif bars when I was working second shift (I’m not a night owl, so that was a struggle for me).

    2. Katie the Fed*

      Take a 15-20 minute walk outside. Studies have shown it will help revive you. I’m too lazy to find those studies right now but I swear I’ve read this.

      1. Florida*

        I can attest that this works. It’s my own research with me as the only research subject. ;)

    4. paul*

      eating a healthier lunch has helped me a *lot* as has a small degree of physical activity on lunch. I’m lucky–I’m in a smallish city so I can drive home for lunch (I live 3 miles or so from work). So 2-3 days a week I come home, eat a salady type meal with chicken or turkey and do light chores–laundry or dishes generally. Healthy, high protein meal with mixed greens, and some activity seems to leave me feeling a lot better.

      The other days I grab a sandwich and head to a nearby park and have myself a picnic and walk around looking at birds and squirrels and stuff.

      Since starting to do one of those, my midafternoon wearies are much reduced. Not 100% gone, but much better

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        Second this. Lunches that are higher in protein and lower in simple carbs have stopped the mid-afternoon sleepiness.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Water will help. As the day wears on it’s easier and easier to forget to hydrate.
      Or you could check out a protein drink, it could be that you are not getting enough protein in your regular meals.

      I treat it on the physical and mental planes. To help myself mentally, I find a time consuming project or I make a little list of things to get done before I go home. Sometimes I can distract myself from thinking “nap time”.

    6. Junior Dev*

      I find it helps to eat a snack with some protein around 2 or 3 pm, and to avoid sugar in general.

      Good snacks: string cheese, chicken salad, nuts, jerky, hummus.

    7. Chaordic One*

      I second the staying hydrated and drinking water. Not lots of water, but at least 8 ounces and 16 if you can handle it.

      Also, chewing gum.

    8. Thlayli*

      Fresh air sometimes helps. I have 2 caffeines a day though – one red bull and one coffee

  18. Katie the Fed*

    What’s the most expensive unexpected home repair you’ve ever had to deal with? I don’t mean routine maintenance – but emergency situations.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      My ceiling fell in. On my TV.

      I was renting at the time, and it wasn’t my landlord’s fault – this was a leasehold flat meaning there’s a management company in charge of the overall building and the management company were to blame as they’d skipped some maintenance.

      I was okay in the end as I had contents insurance and, bless him, my landlord paid the excess (what you’d call a deductible I think?) and gave me some rent back. But it was pretty stressful when it happened.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Oh that’s awful. I was renting once and the apartment above me flooded and water came pouring in through my bathroom light fixture, but that’s as bad as it ever got.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          That sounds horrible too!

          The really nightmarish thing was that I was away and I had pets there – when my flatmate called I was so relieved to hear that my pets were okay that I didn’t actually care that much about the TV.

          What made you ask? Are you dealing with a situation – or maybe debating buying a house?

          1. Allypopx*

            Additional question: If it’s the latter, are you trying to give yourself nightmares?

          2. Katie the Fed*

            We’ve had a lot of unexpected plumbing issues lately that the home inspection didn’t catch. I was just curious how bad other people have had it :)

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              I also grew up in an area with major flooding problems. As a kid I thought all fields filled up with water and ducks when it rained. There were a few occasions when we got stranded inside because the front garden was full of water. My parents’ garage used to flood regularly. And would they move? Would they heck because “there might be different problems somewhere else”.

            2. Jen*

              Our home inspection didn’t catch:
              -the tree that was near the house was so close our new homeowners insurance carrier threatened to drop us unless it was cut down. This happened after we closed, so no recourse. $1800 (it was a massive tree and involved 2 cranes), plus cost to grind stump when we get around to it.
              – water leak behind basement laundry. Had mold behind it. Mold remediation was $2500 and basement is now ripped down to the studs in a few areas. This is a secondary laundry area (like a mud room), so we just left it for now and will gut the basement eventually. Would have been $5k if we had repaired the drywall and floor damaged.
              -needed a new boiler within 3 months of moving in. This was noted on the home inspection as something likely to crop up eventually (along with needing a new roof in <10 years and a new driveway soonish) but it just up and crapped out. $1500.

              Inspector did catch the termite issue which the sellers remediate did to the tune of $17k of treatment and structural repair. And we got a $10K concession for a few other things.

              The inspector should have caught the water leak; the rest is just bad luck.

        2. Lissa*

          We had a similar thing happen with the apartment above flooding, and it was particularly fortuitous timing because just two days before my partner had moved his guitar+amp out of that spot to lend to a friend after it had been there for about 5 years. Instead it just drenched some hats.

        3. Chaordic One*

          I had a similar thing happen to me. It wasn’t really the upstairs neighbors’ fault though, as a pipe from the bathtub drain had broken and was leaking in my apartment below. The really lousy part was when they sent repairmen to replaster the ceiling and one of the walls. The repairmen left an awful mess and there was dust over everything in my apartment.

          I was especially upset about the dust that went in my desktop computer. I was at work and not home and it never occurred to me that this would be a problem or I would have covered the computer with plastic sheeting. The the apartment manager told me I would have to file a written complaint to the managment company. Although I ended up typing up the complaint, I added that the manager should have done this herself and that if she weren’t so lazy, she would have.

          They ended up reimbursing me for having my computer and cleaned by professionals at the local computer repair place, but I still had to thoroughly dust and vacuum everything that was in the open in the apartment. It was a real pain.

    2. fposte*

      Broken sewer line. $12k. Plus costs of repairing neighbor’s yard and fence, which were on me.

            1. fposte*

              Sorry. Could be different areas have more vulnerabilities–we’ve got heavy clay soil and brittle clay pipes, apparently. But this really is one of those totally-out-of-your-control things, at least; there’s no misuse that could have led to it or maintenance that would have prevented it.

            2. London Calling*

              I hear ya, Katie, my house is over 1oo years old, but those Victorians sure knew how to build.

            3. Not So NewReader*

              My house is 180 years old. It will be okay. You will get through it. Nothing lasts forever. It’s probably good to plan that things need to be reworked, supported up or something about every 20-25 years. If you think of it as a line of dominos crashing, that won’t help matters. If you think of it as normal wear and tear AND an opportunity to beef things up the way you would like them to be then you might find satisfaction there.

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Oh, I forgot about the time my husband had to dig up and replace the line from the water meter to the kitchen sink. It involved jackhammering the slab foundation and replacing all the pipes and flooring. It would have been way more expensive if the plumber hadn’t offered to serve as an advisor/consultant as my husband did all the labor. The plumber was near retirement and didn’t feel up to the physical demands of the job, so he cut is a deal.

    3. paul*

      In the last 2 months, we’ve had two separate trees hit our kitchen. God doesn’t want me to cook. And we’re broke as a joke now.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Ahhhh trees scare me so much! We have a yard full of old, old trees and they come down in the neighborhood periodically. Right after moving to this house we had a HUGE branch come down outside, so I had the tree looked at and it was dying. So that one came out, and another near it. This house is bleeding us dry right now.

        1. paul*

          The one we’re about to take out is 80′ ish tall, has several birds nest, is home to squirrels,a nd it sucks to take it out (particularly at nearly a grand)…but this is enough :/ We took out one already, then this one dropped a branch bigger around than my thigh into our wall…

    4. Mallory Janis Ian*

      My husband left the garden hose on while we were out for the day, and water started leaking into the house from the hose bib. We came home to three inches of water in the laundry room and spare room floors. Fortunately the floors were just inexpensive linoleum tiles that needed replacing anyway, but they were still expensive to replace.

    5. Caledonia*

      £15,000 for damp proofing. They had to take down all the walls in my kitchen and 2 walls along the side and take out my entire bathroom, put a membrane in and rebuild the walls/kitchen/bathroom. I was out of my flat for 3 months.

    6. Mimmy*

      I’d say it was when our water heater bottomed out and flooded half the house. I don’t remember the costs, but not only did we have to replace the water heater, we had to rip up the carpeting in the hallway and home office.

    7. ThatGirl*

      Our water heater exploded unexpectedly. I mean we knew it was old but it just went fwoom one day. All over the laundry room.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      The worst one I have seen is my father’s house. It was built on a hillside. Right away, this should have been a warning, but nooooo. The basement was perpetually damp. The cellar walls shifted because of underground waterflows coming down this hillside. Some of the actual house shifted and some did not shift. And that is when the problem got huge.

      Dig out all around the house. Jack up the entire house to raise it up higher. Fix the bowed cellar walls then add to the height of the cellar wall. Set the house back down on the higher foundation. Lay perf pipe all around the house. Run the pipe down the hill about 200 feet to a dumping area. Back fill with sand and stone. Plant grass seed because there is no grass anywhere at this point. Take a gallon milk jug and a stop watch down to the open end of the pipe. Measure 800 gals per hour coming out of that pipe. Sigh.

      The real kicker here, it was a new construction. The first contractor wildly underestimated the conditions the house was set on. The poor house looked like it was on stilts when the project was done. But the basement was bone dry.
      I will never ever have a new house built for myself. Never.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I don’t think it was. The foundation was not included in the house kit, neither was the roof. (wth!) So the house kit people would not cover anything. I am pretty sure that my father brought in different people to do the basement, because the first set of people clearly did not know what to do. This would mean no warranty there, either.

    9. Tempest*

      We bought a repo so while none of it was an emergency as such, the electrics were straight out of 1953 when it was built so we had to have it all rewired because it was unsafe. Gas back boiler behind the gas fire which was ugly and back boilers are inefficient and unsafe so all new central heating had to be installed. Kitchen is literally about 8 feet by 6 feet and had nothing in it when we bought the place so new kitchen. Being tiny at least it wasn’t expensive but being tiny I hate it so eventually I’ll have to rip it all out and knock through into the dining room to make a useful size kitchen diner. Bathroom was ick and a coloured suite so new bathroom. Carpets were also all ick so all new flooring. Windows hadn’t been fitted properly the first time they were swapped from timber to upvc so the one in the living room which should have been a structural element for the wall was bowing and letting the bedroom wall above collapse so we had to have all new windows and some had to have the brickwork partially removed so a lintel could be installed and re bricked in. Going through the place re plastering one room at a time because the walls are terrible. When we bought it the whole place was wallpapered in textured wallpaper someone had then painted 1980’s colours of shiny oil based paint over. Upshot, when we get it all done it’ll be outdated and time to start again. The joys of home ownership. I guess the most expensive thing in the list was the windows. We economized on the bathroom and kitchen knowing they were a for now solution. Electrics and heating weren’t cheap, but still less than the windows. The house was a lot easier to heat last winter with the new windows in place. Trade off it’s now so airtight we really have to remember to open windows and cycle the air or we get black mould. The washer, dryer and oven all decided to die one after another too but I guess you expect appliances to have a finite life. Not sure five years is where I’d have set the expectation but we need all that stuff to have a life so… At least the house is worth several tens of thousands more now than we paid or invested in the renovations so I can feel like my stress, labour and almost the end of my marriage because my husband is useless at practical stuff and I got irate was worth something lol.

    10. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Wow, these have me beat. Now I don’t feel so bad about the unexpected AC (whole house unit) replacement, which was around $6K. Even that wasn’t a problem, but I had been making plans for that surplus we had, when….NOPE, not gonna happen. Of course, it could have happened just AFTER we had spent it.

    12. NW Mossy*

      Not terribly expensive (because it was covered by insurance), but my most dramatic emergency expense happened this past winter. It’s unusual for it to snow as much in the NW as it did this year, and in January we had about a week stuck at home due to it. On day 7 or 8 when it looks like it’s finally starting to melt, I was sitting at my dining room table eating lunch with my family when we hear this loud whoosh followed by a tremendous bang.

      Ran to the front window and realized that the entire sheet of snow on our front roof elevation came off at once, straight down onto my car parked in the driveway. Brushed off the snow to realize that the entire windshield was spiderwebbed (with little glass bits scattered throughout the interior) and the hood was dented in 5 or 6 places. We later pulled footage from the security camera that showed the whole thing, and it’s terrifying to see how fast that can happen.

      The scariest part of it all is that not 10 minutes before, a couple of neighbor girls had come by to return my daughter’s sled. We were so relieved that they weren’t harmed that it really put the expense and hassle of car repair in its proper perspective.

    13. Red Reader*

      We were renting, but the outflow pipe from a shower backed up (or something, I don’t speak plumbing) and dumped the entire contents of the water heater (which was on the second floor, how damn stupid is that) into the ceiling of the first floor. They had to basically re-ceiling the entire living room.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Not uncommon, unfortunately. My parents have a single story home, but the water heater is in the attic. Up a tiny ladder. Not the best arrangement. Last year, the drain for the water heater gave out, and they didn’t know it until my mom heard a weird sound and found water flowing down the wall in my dad’s bathroom – about 3 inches over from the power outlet. Thankfully, dad is very handy, so he was able to fix it for the cost of a new drain hose, about $15.

        1. Red Reader*

          Yeesh! At least our water heater was easy to access. (And the problem was evident very quickly, as gallons of water began pouring out of the ceiling vent.)

    14. Elizabeth*

      Adding a clean-out to the sewer line. Since we were able to pay cash, the contractor gave us a 10% discount. It was still absurdly expensive.

    15. zora*

      my parents had to do a mold remediation that cost thousands, bc it was one whole side of the 2 story house.
      We had always been super heavy users of humidifiers in the kids bedrooms (that side of the house) and then when they had a new HVAC put in, they let the guy convince them to have a built in humidifier added to it, and apparently that is a super bad idea bc it just ended up creating crazy moisture buildup in the drywall/insulation of that whole side of the house. And didn’t realize for years, so by the time they found it the mold behind the walls was so bad that they had to have all of the drywall, insulation and carpeting removed from half of 2 floors of the house.

      They then turned off the built-in humidifier. Never doing that again!

    17. Liane*

      Probably the flash flood a week and a half ago. It was about an inch of water in the house for an hour or so. enough to soak anything on the floor. Like 95% of the clothes College Son owns. We also lost a few books and we haven’t decided if the living room rug is okay. And we are fine if it isn’t, as we got it secondhand so Bear the dog didn’t have to lie on a cold, bare floor last winder.
      But we spent like $60 at the laundromat, plus 2 or 3 lunches out, getting everything washed. A lot of it was College Son’s clothes, but most of it was towels, blankets and sheets. Kids grabbed those to shove at the bottoms of the doors and other places where the water was coming in.
      Aside the laundry costs are our only expenses. Checking the AC and gas water heater, which were flooded, is on the landlord.

    18. Dan*

      Air conditioner went out in 100 degree heat, and ceiling collapsed over my bath tub.

      But I rent, so well I had to deal with them, I didn’t have to pay for them.

    19. PatPat*

      Dead central AC unit. We had to replace it for $6k. We live in the subtropics so it was pretty much an “emergency”. Not fun.

    20. Cajun Lady*

      Our house flooded in August of last year and we did not have flood insurance (we are considered to live in a “x” zone which is protected by levee *insert eye roll here*). We got 18 inches in the house and lost both vehicles. 18 inches might as well have been 3 feet because just about everything had to go. Not only did we have to replace all of our furniture, we had to have new flooring installed and had to replace the upper cabinets in the kitchen to match the new cabinets we had to get. Luckily our mortgage had been paid in full so the very large personal loan we had to take out isn’t being paid in addition to a mortgage. I was able to remodel the house how I wanted which was good but if I never have to deal with a contractor again I will be happy!

      1. Merci Dee*

        One of my sisters lives in North Carolina, in the area that got hit last year with flash floods, and then hit again when several dams gave way. Her house is on a charming little creek that turned into a raging maelstrom twice within a few weeks. Insurance took for-ev-er to pay out, but they finally got the funds around Christmas and started to rebuild. Now everything is going sideways, because inspectors keep coming back with changing requirements, etc. It’s gotten so bad that it looks like the Corps of Engineers or FEMA or whoever is going to buy out their mortgage. On the positive side, my sis and b-i-l have decided they want to move back closer to the family once this is settled.

        1. Cajun Lady*

          Yeah a friend of mine was smart and waited until all assessments were complete to begin rebuild. Her neighbors started almost immediately and we’re pretty much done when they found out they had to raise their homes or be priced out by insurance. Many of them let them fall into forclosure because the couldn’t afford raising and couldn’t afford over 10k a year in insurance. Now my friend has to wait until the funds are released to raise the house but it is a grant so it won’t cost any more than rebuilding would be. The whole thing is a mess. The ones with flood insurance are worse off than the ones without. I may have had to come out of pocket to repair but I’m back in my home. Many are still in hotels or FEMA trailers

          1. Anxa*

            It’s so tricky because you don’t want to wait because every day the building stays wet is another day for it to rot, but yeah, my community was hit with this. For Sandy it was frustrating because raising the house would destroy what property value was left post storm and also because it wasn’t a common process so there weren’t really any local expert contractors

      1. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

        WOW! Were there any warning signs? …I have an old house and am now slightly paranoid.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, I hope OP responds here because it would be good to know why that happened.
          I had an older furnace here. I found it helpful to have it serviced and checked over once a year. And I put a smoke detector right over it. Each time the furnace had a problem it was the smoke detector that warned us. It’s good to know where the emergency shut off is and which breakers on the panel box are for the furnace, too.

        2. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

          I’m racking my brains to remember whether she had any warning signs – at the time, things were still being repaired and so no conclusions had been made. I do recall she said that they were actually in the middle of routine maintenance checks and it was lucky that he happened to have stepped away when it went or he’d have been seriously hurt. Her house was REALLY old, though, so possibly the former owner had not done enough maintenance?

    22. Nic*

      My water heater sprung a leak in the middle of winter and put out its own pilot light. Luckily nothing sparked anywhere nearby, but it was a very cold miserable week with no hot water available. That one ran around $1000 to repair.

      The AC going out at the beginning of summer was more costly, around $6k.

    23. Liane*

      Another flood tale, although not mine. When I was in college in the ’80s, my late father was winding down his carpentry/painting business. The last TWO remodels I recall him doing were for the daughter-in-law of his insurance agent (the whole family were friends of his). Mrs. D did the first one because she wanted a new look to the house. It was practically everything–cabinets, new wallpaper and trim, carpets (which Dad didn’t do), baseboards, etc. and it was a wonderful job.

      A few months later, one of her middle school age boys turned on the water in the bathtub, then went outside or something and forgot about it–until the water flooded part of the house. All. That. Remodeling had to be redone/replaced, plus I believe more. I helped Dad with some of it over my Thanksgiving break, and he told me the water lines had been 2 plus feet up the drywall he’d pulled out. I wondered how that poor kid escaped with his life and if he was still going to be grounded at my age.

    24. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

      2 Furnace blowers ($600) and a board ($500) until they figured out it was the drain pan on the a/c above and recommended the whole thing be replaced ($6k). Still looking at options on that.

      Also had a tree take out part of my back deck ($2k).

    25. NacSacJack*

      One year after buying my house, discovered the downstairs bathroom shower wasn’t connected to the sewer system. The drain from the shower had a pipe pointing, only pointing, to the floor drain located under the floating floor of the basement. Flooded the laundry and downstairs hallway.

  19. Ask a Manager* Post author

    A bird has built her nest right outside our front door — on top of the light fixture next to the door. So every time we open the door to go in or out, it’s a few inches from her and she freaks out and flies into a nearby tree, where she yells at us. My very sweet and soft-hearted husband has decided that he’s going to avoid using the door as much as possible (meaning he will go in and out through the deck door, not that he’ll stop leaving the house — but the deck door only locks/unlocks on the inside so that’s not a full solution). But I am wondering: are we traumatizing this bird (and her babies, when her eggs hatch)? Also, should we not turn on the light that her nest is on top of? (Will the heat from the light … I don’t know, make her eggs hatch early?)

    In my fantasy, the bird comes around and lets us co-parent the chicks.

    1. Katie the Fed*

      Ostensibly, mama bird knew what she was doing when she picked that spot by the light, so I’d leave it alone. She might like the extra heat. But yeah you might want to use the other door for a while. That’s adorable :) What kind of bird is she?

    2. paul*

      The bird knows the environment it chose to nest in and will probably be fine.

      Until a tree hit our porch this year (boo, hiss, and damn it was expensive) we had a swallow nest there since, well, before we bought the place. Right where everyone has to walk in/out of to come in the house and they never cared.

    3. Rogue*

      She and the babies will be fine. I had a robin nesting right outside, next to where I had to walk every day. I startled her once and she flew off, but since then, I talk to her before I get close and she stays put now. They know where they’re building their nests and she chose that place on purpose.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t think the heat will make the eggs hatch. But not seeing it, I would be vigilant (not worried) about a fire hazard.

      Depending on the bird, I have seen robins get really protective. One mom drilled a hole a my father’s neck because he insisted on planting flowers under her nest. She was not used to him being in that spot. I think that if you talk to her when you walk by she will get used to your voice and your presence.

      It won’t be really long, the babies will get big fast and the parents will need to move everyone once the babies have flight because they will need more space.
      Traumatized? No. They will keep coming back each year. If you don’t want that you may want to get a plastic owl from a nursery and place that in the vicinity of the nest area after they leave this year.

      1. NoMoreMrFixit*

        The owl thing doesn’t always work. I tried that with pigeons roosting on my balcony. Not only did it not scare them off, they used it as a latrine. Evil things those feathered rats.

          1. Rookie Manager*

            I wish I hadn’t read this! Today we had a plastic owl with a swivel head attached to the roof to try and scare away pigeons. We also have ribbons of reflective tape up there. We thought that the two together would work!
            (Lasr weekend we had the gutters cleaned out s they were over flowing with pigeon poo and I had to powerwash all the poo off the garden path!)

            1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

              It might work! We just have preternaturally bold pigeons who are being fed by an equally evil neighbor who doesn’t care about the havoc that the birds are wreaking.

              I don’t think it’s an option for you given that’s it’s your roof but I had heard that loud noises would deter them. What worked for me when they tried to roost on our property was being around during the day when they were scouting it out. The second I heard cooing by our doors and windows, I’d burst out yelling at them. I looked like a psycho murderer but it worked – they were so frightened after three outbursts they have never ventured near again.

      2. Jackie*

        I once used a rubber snake to deter nesting birds. It did work as the wind would move it around too.

    5. periwinkle*

      My dad’s house has an open carport rather than a garage; he stores various things on shelves there, including the lawnmower and various power tools. One year, one of the resident mourning doves built her nest in the coiled power cord of a circular saw. Another year, there was a dove nest on the lawnmower’s clipping bag.

      Mourning doves are dumb. Or maybe not so dumb, because we looked out for the nests and the baby doves all thrived and flew off, to presumably make their own inexplicably-placed nests in the fullness of time. We may have enabled a further dumbing down of the dove population, now that think of it…

    6. JKP*

      The same exact thing happened to my parents every single year for the 40 years they lived in that house: bird would nest in the corner right next to the front porch light and have baby birds. We didn’t have the option of using a different door. So we lived our life as normal: used the porch light, kids/grandkids running in and out of the front door. The baby birds were fine each year and we would peek in on them as they grew until they flew away. Different variety of bird each year. One year we had doves, and every time we opened the front door, the mama bird would fly into the driveway and stumble around like she had a broken wing to lure us away from the nest, and then we would have to chase her away so we didn’t drive over her when we backed the car out.

      One thing we learned is that after they’ve left the nest for the year, you need to clean out all the nest materials, because if they use the same nest next year, the baby birds are more likely to get parasites and die.

    7. This Daydreamer*

      The same thing happened to me several years ago! They weren’t on a light, though. They were in a holly bush. The parents would fly away every time we used the door, and there wasn’t another door we could use, but all the chicks survived to fledging. I’ve even got video of the little family on YouTube.

      I think you might want to keep that light off while the birds are still in the best.

    8. FDCA In Canada*

      Please, please, please keep a close eye on the light with a nest! The same thing happened to me as a child–a robin built a nest atop of the light outside our garage. We thought it was cool, left it alone, until the night (actually, the night of my tenth birthday) that we had guests over and left the light on. Later that night I peeked out the window to see the side of our garage in flames. Everything was fine after liberal doses of the fire extinguisher and a surprise visit from the firefighters to ensure all was OK (happy birthday! House fire!), but I was pretty traumatized for a good while and now I’m nearly obsessive about nests in lights. Most of the time they’re fine. Every so often they’re not. Be aware!

      1. JKP*

        I missed that the nest was literally on top of the porch light. I would definitely not use the light if there is risk of fire. The nests on my parents porch were always in the decorative sconce *next* to the porch light, but not actually touching the light.

    9. Jessesgirl72*

      Depending on the type of bird, you can use the door if you really want to. The bird will be fine, regardless. But some more aggressive birds will dive bomb anyone too close to their nest.

      We have had mourning doves nest near our front door and she got used to us really fast. My parents have them on their porch every year, and since that is where the mailbox is, there is no avoiding the area for a month. They also have finches under the awning of their kitchen windows, and the birds have had to adjust (some haven’t liked when someone walks into the room, but you can’t avoid a kitchen either!)

      And personally, I’d keep the light off. You won’t hurry the process- you will just cook the eggs. :(

    10. HannahS*

      We had a robin do just that! She came back every year for about three years. Our springs have been cool the past few years, so I assume she did it because of the warmth at night.

    11. dawbs*

      I know in the past I was told by the university extension office folks that if the eggs haven’t been laid yet, and it’s going to be a very problematic location (where the parents are likely to abandon the nest because of foot traffic, etc), to remove the nest.

      Because removing the nest early enough gives the birds a chance to re-build and lay eggs in time to have a clutch of babies survive–while if they lay eggs or hatch eggs in a place to hazardous, they’ve spoiled their chance at bird babies for the year
      (and INAL, but, migratory birds act says not to screw w/ nests w/ eggs and babies in them–but empty nests are allowable)

      A lot of the time, the birds get used to certain things and people. At work, there is a starling nest in an area where I have to spend time. The parents scream their fool heads off at people, and won’t enter the nest if I’m right next to the nest, but they’ve decided if I”m at least 10′ away that I’m harmless, because I”m there a lot.

    12. Drew*

      My parents had barn swallows up high on the wall next to their front porch for several years running. We didn’t store anything valuable under the nest and the birds didn’t seem to care much, although occasionally we’d startle them by throwing the door open dramatically before we remembered they were there. (Oops.)

      Unfortunately, my parents got their house re-sided a few years ago and the mud nest won’t stick to the new paint, so the swallows had to move on. Too bad; they were beautiful birds and amazingly chill.

  20. DecorativeCacti*

    Would y’all like to hear about my brush with death this week?

    Friday morning, I am woken up by strange noises outside my bedroom window. Scratching? Footsteps? I can’t quite tell. I am trying to convince myself it’s just my cats making noise, but it’s not working. My heart and mind are racing, I have my hand on my boyfriend to wake him up, and my alarm goes off. I silence it and finally look towards the window.

    Now, my curtains don’t cover the entire window. We just moved in and haven’t gotten new ones, so there is a gap of about three inches between the bottom of the curtains and the window sill. In this gap, I see… Something. Something dark and skinny which drops out of the window as soon as I sit up. It’s not a person, but all of a sudden I’m worried it was someone’s arm holding a camera. I crawl over to the window and try to get a better look.

    Whatever it is has moved down the deck. It looks like it might be a dog’s tail but I don’t have my glasses on and the reflection of the curtains on the window makes it hard to see. I try to take a picture with my camera at a better angle but I can’t see anything. At this point, I have to go to the bathroom so badly I can’t wait.

    When I come out of the bathroom, I hear it again. Scratching, scittering, footsteps. I flatten myself against the wall and as slowly and unnoticeably as I can I peak out the curtains… Peacocks. At least six. All over my deck. Jump/flying up onto the railings and then onto the roof and back down creating noises that sound just like a murderer waiting outside my bedroom window with a giant weapon. I have no clue where they came from (they didn’t care about me or the cats) and they were gone when I got home from work. But at least they didn’t murder me.

    3. Katie the Fed*

      Ha! Where do you live that there were peacocks?!

      This reminds me of a time I was vacationing with family in Jackson Hole, Wyoming in the winter. Everyone else went snowshoeing while I caught up on some stuff, and I heard loud steps on the porch of our cabin. I opened the door and freaking MOOSE was standing right there. I shut the door.

      1. DecorativeCacti*

        I live on the Key Peninsula in Washington state. It’s fairly rural, but I do live in an actual neighborhood so not totally in the sticks. It wouldn’t have been so crazy if I had ever seen a sign of peacocks before. I never even heard them and they are LOUD.

        1. Tmarie*

          My sister and b-i-l had two Peacock hens hanging out at their house for months! Poop everywhere, and they were not very nice birds at all. They live in the country (in Washington) and have no curtains and the hens would sleep right outside their bedroom window/exterior door. Very uncomfortable…

      2. The RO-Cat*

        Jackson Hole, Wyoming! It’s the location picked by Tom Clancy for a secret meeting in Icon, IIRC. Nothing to add, just my nerdy passion for Clancy.

        1. Allypopx*

          It’s also where Mr. Feeny retired to in Boy Meets World.

          A rich tapestry, Jackson Hole.

          1. Chaordic One*

            Very rich.

            It has gotten so expensive to live there that they have a terrible time attracting people to work there. People like teachers, or police, or people to work in the restaurants, hotels and resorts. (In the summer a lot of the workers bring their own RVs and live in them.)

            The billionaires in Jackson Hole have driven the multi-millionaires out to Dubois, and the mere millionaires out to Riverton and Lander.

        2. paul*

          how the hell do they not get eaten by any of the variety of critters? I’ve been to Jackson Hole a few times and remember seeing coyotes in town at night

      3. NW Mossy*

        Peacocks do surprisingly well in a lot of different locations. I know there’s a flock local to me (suburbs of Portland, OR) and it always kicks up a bunch of activity on NextDoor when they’re spotted.

    4. RKB*

      Oh, peacocks are just awful. They fight like the dickens and it sounds terrifying. It sounds like cats who are slowly dying.

    7. Jessesgirl72*

      I can live with the scratching on the deck. But have you heard a peacock call? ZOMG, it’s loud!

    9. Merci Dee*

      I’m in central Alabama, and a neighbor a few doors down from my home during my high school years had a small flock of peacocks. Beautiful and proud birds, but you could hear them calling every night around dusk. No mistaking them for anything else, that’s for sure.

  21. Not a Cat Lady*

    Anyone have experience with allergy medicine?

    I took Allegra for the first time and felt a million times better. It seems to fade after about 16 hours though despite it saying 24. Does it build up if you take it everyday? Is it worth trying Zyrtec and compare which works better?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      Personally I find things with cetirizine help me regardless of brand, and things with loratadine just don’t seem to work for me.

      1. Allypopx*

        I desperately wanted loratadine to work for me because my boyfriend needs to take it daily, year round, so we have value size bottles of it in the house all the time – but alas, I must shell out the extra cash for my off brand zyrtec.

        1. Not a Cat Lady*

          I tried Claritin but had a very bad reaction. Fainted in the back of a restaurant. :-/

        2. This Daydreamer*

          Do you belong to a shopping club? Both Costco and Sam’s Club have allergy meds for ridiculously low prices.

        3. copy run start*

          You can get 365/count generic Zyrtec on Amazon for ~$20!!! Done it for years now. :)

          @Not a Cat Lady Zyrtec has worked well for me for years but miss a dose and I get a HORRIBLE case of the itchies. (Google Zyrtec withdrawal.) That’s my only knock against it, but I’ll probably be taking it indefinitely so I just try not to forget a dose.

          2. Ramona Flowers*

            Oh. My. God.

            I started taking it due to itchy skin. When I didn’t take it, and I got itchy, I assumed I still needed it. I had no idea this could actually be withdrawal. Wow. Thank you for posting this.

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              That said, I take generic and haven’t taken branded Zirtek for years so maybe it’s not that.

    2. Allypopx*

      You can try Zyrtec just for science, that’s what I use, but if Allegra works for you there’s no problem sticking with it.

      It does seem to last a little better when you take it every day, but something with a 24-hour potency is likely to start to wear off after about 16 hours, that’s totally normal. Does Allegra have a 12-hour version? Taking two 12-hours might work better than 1 24 hour, if that’s your concern. Or is there a time of day you could take it where the 16-hour fade isn’t as big a deal?

      Your pharmacist might have suggestions.

      1. Not a Cat Lady*

        Thank you! I will ask about the 12 hour one.

        Thanks everyone for responding as well.

        It’s safe if I want to switch, right?

        1. Allypopx*

          Yes! Some doctors recommend switching occasionally, because over time (usually a longer period of time) for some people, their body adjusts and the drugs become less effective.

          I wouldn’t take two different kinds at the exact same time but waiting until the dose wears off and starting something different will be totally fine.

    3. paul*

      I’ve got good sustained luck with Advil Cold & Sinus; zyterc worked for me for like a month but that was it :/ Don’t know why it quit working

      1. Aunt Vixen*

        Point of order, Advil Cold & Sinus is ibuprofen + sudafed. It does work wonders! But it’s not an antihistamine.

    4. Rogue*

      I’ve taken Claritin, Zyrtec, Allegra, and a plethora of other allergy meds. They never worked immediately for me, but took a day or two to get in my system. Also, I built up a tolerance to them after a month or two. The only ones that worked long term have been singulair. When I was younger, I was unable to use nasal sprays, because I’d just sneeze the stuff back out, but as an adult I’ve been able to use Flonase and this stuff has worked wonders for me.

      1. Not a Cat Lady*

        Thanks!

        Anyone have recommendations for natural remedies as well? I already eat pretty clean and I work out. Maybe there’s some supplement I should try?

        1. Allypopx*

          You can get saline mists at the drug store which can help if you’re having congestion. Avoiding fresh fruits can help too, because they can have trace amounts of pollen on the surface. YMMV.

          1. Undine*

            Actually, there are fruits that have the same proteins as pollen, and you can be cross-allergic. For example, if you allergic to birch, you may also be allergic to apples.

        2. CatCat*

          Neti pot in the morning can really help if you’ve gotten congested overnight. (Or when you get home if you’re congested from being out and about.)

          1. Chaordic One*

            A good alternative to a neti pot would be a sinus rinse kit, such as the one put out by NeilMed. It has a little plastic squeeze bottle and you just squirt the saline solution up into your nose. Many people find it easier than using a neti pot. You can buy them in most drug stores, many supermarkets and stores like WalMart.

            Aside from flushing mucous out of your sinuses, there’s a theory that the saline solution temporarily forms a thin layer over the inside of your sinuses that makes them less sensitive to pollen and allergens. Remember to use distilled water to combine with the saline mix because there have been a handful of people contracting bacterial infections from using tap water.

        3. LCL*

          No raw veggies except lettuce. No commercially prepared smoothies. No raw fruit.

          Cashews are having a moment now in healthy eating circles. Cashews are allergenic as eff, stay away from them if you have allergy issues.

        4. GirlwithaPearl*

          Diffuser with eucalyptus oil

          Windows closed

          Neto pot or saline spray

          Shower at night to rinse off the pollen

          Chiro or acupuncture

          Vitamin d

          No dairy

          (These all came recommended by my doctor in addition to various meds ).

          FWIW I hated Zyrtec – made me exhausted ; Flonase seems good so far and I just paired it with otc Claritin which I think is going well but my doc wants me on the rx version.

          She also just told me on Friday that I only have a few more weeks of this season (of course my fall allergies also suck so…)

    5. Tina*

      I tried Claritin, but it didn’t work for me. It made the allergies go away for sure, but it also made me so tired that I slept for 12+ hours a day, and had a constant headache! As soon as I stopped taking it, I felt much better even though I still have mild allergies year round.

    6. Sibley*

      Allergy meds work best if you take them regularly, and start before your symptoms do. They need to build up in your system to work properly, and that takes a week or 2. If you’re starting after the symptoms, it’ll take longer.

      Definitely worth trying different meds to see which works best for you though. They all work a little differently, so one may work better. Also, over time you can develop a tolerance and one won’t work for you anymore. When I try new ones, I give it 1-2 months to kick in fully and really see how it works. For me, it takes years (8 and counting on Zyrtec) for a med to stop working.

    7. SeekingBetter*

      I liked zyrtec when I could afford it. Right now, I’m taking a generic brand my PCP prescribed to me. I guess it works fine, but Zyrtec is better.

  22. nep*

    Too many trees coming down, damn it.
    A couple streets over, tens of mature, beautiful trees are coming down soon as part of work to replace water main. Was driving down that street the other day, and was almost in tears as I saw one huge tree after another marked for removal. Just heartbreaking.
    In neighboring town, countless smallish trees killed in a parking area for the construction of an office building.
    Just a couple weeks ago neighbors across the street hacked down a perfectly healthy and glorious red bud tree. Seriously I just don’t get it.
    Can’t stand to see healthy trees come down.

    1. fposte*

      Argh. I hate losing trees even when it’s reasonable–I still mourn my beautiful sugar maple street tree, which had amazing autumn color, that started splitting and got taken down by the city. And ash borer has hit hard enough that the city is taking down all the ashes.

      My big problem with newer developments is the lack of mature trees. I’m willing to risk one falling down on my kitchen for all the blessings of their presence.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I lost my beloved backyard ash tree to ash borers. It was the only large, mature shade tree in the back yard. Our red bud trees are getting pretty big now, but they’ll never replace the large area of deep shade that the ash provided.

    2. Amadeo*

      Oh good, it’s not just me. I implored my parents not to let the electric co-op cut down the ash tree we climbed as kids (I don’t think they wanted to see it gone either, as it didn’t take much from me for them to tell the trimming crew to leave it alone) but they let them take the maple under the power lines because otherwise they were going to mutilate it to trim it back. I still wish they’d left it because I miss it.

      I hate to see trees cut down, hither and yon, too. We live by the woods and I really do kind of love trees.

    3. Myrin*

      It’s so nice to see someone who feels as strongly about tress as I do. Even just writing this down I feel kind of silly but trees have a very special place in my heart and although I’m usually quite unemotional I literally want to cry whenever I see (especially unnecessary, as has become weirdly common in my hometown in recent years) one being felled.

      1. nep*

        Same here. Exactly. The killing of healthy trees makes me feel sick and I just want to cry. They are glorious and like best friends. Majestic, giving…

    4. Nicole*

      I know exactly how you feel. Came home one day two years ago to find our association removed the tree right outside our unit. I’m still sad about it. Once we get a house I hope it’s on a street with mature trees. Those neighborhoods feel homier (sp) to me than the new ones with baby trees. I love the shade they provide too.

    5. LCL*

      Trees planted by nature or street trees? Street trees are planted by humans alongside the road, and are usually chosen to have a definite relatively short lifespan and not get too big. As long as they are replanted afterwards, its not a net loss. And yes, i have family members in the nursery trade.

      I know how you feel. Someone in our neighborhood was fixing up their house, so they cut down a flowering cherry tree in full bloom. Yes, they aren’t native, and it’s easy to find replacements, but I was annoyed they didn’t wait the 2 weeks until it was done blooming.

      1. nep*

        The city plans to plant saplings — that’s meager consolation though.
        (I keep seeing these trucks of the local company cutting down healthy trees — Let’s just say the name of the company denotes a respect for the environment; I say BS.)

    6. Anon attorney*

      I am growing three trees from tiny saplings. They are memorial trees – the plan is that they replace the wood from which my late husband’s coffin was made. It has made me feel weirdly connected to/protective of trees. I’m sorry the trees in your area are being cut down. I don’t know how anyone could bear to do it.

  23. Jen RO*

    I had my first wisdom tooth taken out on Thursday and I think I may be the luckiest person ever, because I had virtually zero pain, despite the fact that the extraction itself was pretty complicated (according to the doctor). I’m just waiting for the swelling to go down now and I should be back in shape in a few days!

    And a question for the readers: *what* hurts after you have a tooth taken out? Is it like the pain from a cut or like a toothache? I am ridiculously interested in this (but also happy I didn’t need to find out on my own).

    1. Allypopx*

      For me the pain has always been in my jaw after an extraction. I’m glad you’re having such a smooth healing!

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I always found it was more like a bruise from being punched, if that makes any sense?

      2. Jen RO*

        Yeah, that sounds like what I’m feeling, but it just… doesn’t hurt (unless I poke it). I have to get another one taken out and I am crossing my fingers and toes that it goes just as smooth!

      3. Amadeo*

        Having extracted canine and feline teeth (I’m assuming extraction in people is probably at least sort of similar), this description seems like it’d be apt. There’s a lot of blunt trauma going on working a root loose that…wasn’t loose to begin with. Little fractures of the thinner bits of bone as the periodontal ligament gets worked free, that sort of thing.

        1. Jen RO*

          This is fascinating :D I asked the doctor not to tell me what he was doing, but judging based on the tools he had on the table and on what I felt, he had to shave off part of one tooth (which was getting in the way when he tried to pull out the wisdom tooth), then he made a “hole” or “shelf” in the wisdom tooth, put a pick-like thing in it and lifted the tooth (like a lever). He worked at it for a good half an hour or more – apparently my bones are very strong, which is good, but makes for a complicated extraction. In the end, the most painful thing was the stitches, because the anesthetic had started to wear off… I didn’t even feel when he pulled the tooth itself out.

          1. Amadeo*

            Yes, I used several different tools, but I’d always divide the tooth up according to the roots with the drill first. The big carnassials in the back, upper quadrants have three and they’re huge. Then there’s a tool called an elevator, there are a couple different sorts, but they do look a bit like picks with a ‘scoop’ on the end. Got down in between the roots and gently worked back and forth to loosen things. The last thing I ever wanted to do was break the darn thing, but it happened sometimes. I’d go around and around the root like that until I finally got it out. It was easy to spend a lot of time on a big tooth that was cracked or infected and had to go but the ligaments holding it in place were still strong.

          2. Amadeo*

            Heh, the most harrowing were always the lower canines in the little dogs who almost always have the worst teeth. Far too easy to break a jaw trying to remove those and I’d often abdicate the dental chair to the vet for those (I was a CVT).

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      I had all four done at once while I was in college. The painkillers knocked me out for 18 hours at a time so I never felt much pain. The swelling lasted for about a full week.

      1. Jen RO*

        Oh wow, 4 at the same time? How did you eat?! I still can barely open my mouth, so I’ve been on a diet of mush since Friday…

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          Sleeping through the first 3 days really helped. College wasn’t my healthiest phase, I drank lots of iced coffee and ate 400 soft burritos a day.

      2. Drew*

        I also had all four done, the day after Christmas (because I had tickets for a bowl game on New Year’s Day and I didn’t want to be doped up for it – bad call, as it turned out, because the game was NOT a happy experience for my team). They knocked me out and my poor mom had to pretty much pour me into the car to get me home. I slept for a day solid and woke up sore and very hungry; they went and got me Chinese takeout.

        My sister donated one of her uber-Motrin for my pain and I was super happy for two days after. (Her: “I use them for my cramps.” Me: “I didn’t know you got cramps.” Her: “Exactly.”)

    4. all aboard the anon train*

      For me, it was more like a toothache. Something that goes away with a couple ibuprofen.

      I had all four taken out a few years ago and there was no swelling and very little pain. I felt groggy from being put to sleep and had a headache and minor ache in my jaw, but it was a bit more than the ache I get after I get a filling. I took whatever drugs they prescribed, but they made me feel sick, so I only took them for a day.

      Honestly, after hearing so many horror stories, I was really worried, but it was pretty painless. Maybe I’m lucky, too?

      1. Jen RO*

        They put you to sleep for extractions in the US? Or just for wisdom teeth? Do they always prescribe hardcore painkillers? My (American) boss told me his daughter got sent home with Percocet (I don’t exactly know what’s in it, but TV makes it sound like a big deal). My doctor just told me to get the maximum strength OTC painkiller (in my case, 400g ibuprofen) and said Americans are crazy :P

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          In the US they’ll put you to sleep and get all four out while they’re still under the gums. The healing time is the same whether you get one or all out, and you might as well have it done before you lose your parents’ insurance.

          1. Jen RO*

            Huh, OK, I never thought of the insurance angle. I thought my extraction was fairly expensive, but I bet it would feel like change compared to the US prices… (It was the equivalent of $115)

            But this explains a lot about the strong painkillers! I am sure that four wisdom teeth at the same time really requires something to make you sleep for days.

              1. Jen RO*

                Hm, I’m gonna ask my dentist if it’s any different if you have actual teeth, but still inside your gums… The one I had taken out had partially burst through the gum, but the other one is completely inside. I wonder if it’s more difficult if there’s just a bud compared to a full-grown tooth…

                1. brushandfloss*

                  Usually all the teeth are fully formed just not fully erupted. People just are seeing one of the cusps of the tooth through the gums (sometimes there are mirco teeth). What makes impacted teeth difficult to remove is that they are usually malpositioned and with lower wisdom teeth, they may be close to a nerve (sometimes only crown of the tooth is removed).

                  I had all four of my impacted wisdom extracted under sedation at the same time. I looked like a chipmunk with full cheeks for about three days.

            2. all aboard the anon train*

              Mine were about the same. It was about $125 for one tooth extraction and my insurance covered 85% of it, so it wasn’t nearly as expensive as I thought it would be.

            3. Anxa*

              In the US there are a lot of insurance plans that don’t cover wisdom extraction (like every one I’ve ever had), so you’ll want to get a lot of bang for your buck. X-rays cost a lot and if you can get them done just once there’s a potential to save a lot of money.

          2. katamia*

            Not always. I had all four out and was only given local anesthetic because I was under 18 and my parents didn’t want them putting me under. I’m not sure what their logic was for that (I’ve gotten different answers over the years), but I wish they’d allowed it.

        2. all aboard the anon train*

          Just for wisdom teeth, and they only put me to sleep because I had all four out. If had one, they wouldn’t have put me to sleep unless I specifically requested it. I was given the choice for pain killers (I think I got Percocet? I can’t remember tbh), but again, they only gave me that because I had all four out.

          When I had a root canal, I just got extra strength ibuprofen. So really, it’s more extreme measures for multiple teeth at once.

        3. Natalie*

          They gave me Vicodin but I thought it was overkill. It made me really itchy, and honestly the pain was perfectly controlled with ibuprofen.

          1. LCL*

            I had all 4 out under general anesthesia. All 4 were impacted, so the surgeon made the choice for me. I was a minor so wasn’t consulted. I had actually wanted them done under a local because I was terrified of being put under. I mentioned this to the surgeon on a follow up visit, he said he wouldn’t have done it under a local because of the difficulty of the procedure.

            I was sick and miserable afterwards because my mom controlled my codeine and only let me have 2 total. She wasn’t a user, but had misplaced faith in the efficacy of aspirin.

    5. katamia*

      They had to cut into my gums to take my wisdom teeth out because they hadn’t broken through, so for me it was very much the pain of a cut. Also took ages to heal, and even now (15 years since I had them done), I still sometimes get twinges in my gums where they were. I don’t think my dentist did anything wrong, but it was definitely unpleasant.

    6. Tau*

      Congrats, and I hope the rest of the recovery goes as smoothly for you as the extraction!

      I had all four of mine out on separate occasions (the dentist planned to do two at a time, but I’m hilariously resistant to local anaesthetic and he had to give me the max safe dose just to get one tooth reasonably numb) and I do remember being in pain afterwards, but I can’t remember the details all that well – I think it was a dull pain in my jaw more than anything else, which icepacks helped. The swelling was almost more annoying than the pain.

      I will say that the worst part of my wisdom tooth experience was not the extraction or the pain but the fact that all of them got infected and then reinfected afterwards. Apparently this is really unlikely and probably not something you have to worry about (apparently my mouth contains antibiotic-resistant superbacteria?), but just in case – if the swelling isn’t going down after a few days, if the pain increases, or if at any point up to several weeks after the extraction you get a fever, see your dentist ASAP.

      1. Jen RO*

        I’ve been on antibiotics since the extraction, but thanks for the heads-up! I’m going back in 10 days to get the stitches out, and then in ~1 month to get the other tooth taken out, so at least I should have at least a form of regular check up in the near future.

    7. hermit crab*

      In addition to what others have said, there can also be wonky pressure/space (?) issues in your mouth, because there used to be a solid thing there and now there isn’t. I got all four wisdom teeth out as a teenager, when I was on the high school swim team and also did synchronized swimming (so I spent a lot of time underwater). The first time I dove into the pool after getting them out, the effect from the water pressure was honestly the weirdest feeling I’ve ever had in my life! It didn’t hurt, exactly — just felt totally bizarre.

      1. Schnapps*

        I had no wisdom teeth on the bottom only the top. And I had 5 of them – two fully formed and three buds which would explain a few things.
        The first extraction was a nothing – they knocked me out, and I was on antibiotics and tylenol 3. The second was a little more arduous – the recovery seemed longer and more painful. I also had to negotiate a new furnace installation (ours died right before a cold snap) while on painkillers so that was fun.

  24. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Physically, it has been one hell of a week. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I’ve been having some spotting issues. My gyn very matter-of-factly said that he sees this all the time and I just need a break from my pills, so at his instruction, I stopped taking the Pill for four days. I have been on continuous birth control– no breaks– for five years. He said I would have a light period but nothing major. HOLY CRAP was he wrong. Or misleading, or something. The cramps were awful, and I ended up going to a CVS at lunch to buy pads. For the first time in 5 years! I nearly had the type of accident I used to have when I was 12. I’m back on the Pill again and feel marginally better, but it’s not over yet and uuuggghhh. I also learned that the maxi pad market has changed quite a bit. So many options!

    Emotionally… eh. Some of my best girlfriends came to visit last week and it was so good for my soul. We set plans in motion to go to New York Memorial Day weekend so I’ll see them again soon. I usually dread having visitors, but I had the most amazing time and it just did me a world of good. I’ve been mostly ok this week (Super Period notwithstanding), but then I spoke to my grandparents this morning. It seems that my mother, their only child, finally showed her narcissist stripes to my grandparents, and they’re so upset they don’t want to visit her ever again. I don’t want to get too into the details because they center around politics, but basically my mother crossed a major line with her parents and didn’t even think to filter herself. They already hate her husband, my stepfather, because of his beliefs, but they never believed their daughter felt the way he did. I’ve known this for a while. Now they realize it, and I don’t feel validated or good that I was right– I feel so hurt for my grandparents and so angry at my mother. She has every right to believe what she wants, but she knows that they completely disagree, so she should have kept her mouth shut, or, at the very least, had a dignified adult discussion. Instead, according to Grandmom, she spewed the same kind of bigoted, racist crap that my stepfather likes to go on about. My grandfather also pointed out that my mother has become a snob, turning her back on her friends who aren’t rich enough (this is completely true), and he’s hurt and appalled at what she has become. My mother’s parents didn’t raise her to be hateful, and in fact, she didn’t raise me that way, so this comes from a place none of us understand.

    I feel like I’m talking about a woman in her 20s and not one who is about to turn 70, but there it is. My mother has always been close with her parents– to the point of being jealous of my relationship with them– but it’s like she’s willing to completely ignore their feelings to make certain points. Not for nothing, they’re quite elderly and we’re lucky they’re alive and healthy, but that is likely to change pretty soon. And you know what? Their hurt could have been avoided if they had talked about Bloomingdale’s or weird family members or how disappointed they all are in me because I’m not married and I don’t have babies. Sigh.

    1. Junior Dev*

      I stopped taking birth control pills when I was 18 after 3 years on them and good Lord, the cramps. I had had the 3 weeks on, 1 off kind so I’d had periods while I was taking them, but the first period off it felt like my uterus had panicked and was trying to claw its way out of my abdomen. Taking a hot bath helped a lot.

    2. Graphic Designer*

      Please go get a second opinion from another obgyn that comes recommend by people you trust. Seriously…

    3. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      I’m so sorry about your mother causing her parents, and indirectly you, pain. That’s such a hard thing to experience, especially when/if you thought you had raised or were raised by a fundamentally caring person.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Thank you. I was caught so off guard by my reaction. I’ve known for years that my mother is a snob and a narcissist, but it’s so hurtful (to all of us) that now she’s elitist and racist. Mother’s Day has been tough for me for a few years now, but this year I don’t even feel like putting up the facade.

    4. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

      Heavy periods suck. Also–quick shout-out for Always Infinity if you need to stock your emergency stash for that sort of thing.

    5. SeekingBetter*

      Wow, I’m so sorry to hear about how difficult your mom is. My immediate family is far from perfect so I can relate. Unfortunately, even though your mom wasn’t raised to be hateful, it seems like she really changed over the years.

    6. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Get a 2nd opinion for sure. Also…Mirena (or something similar). I switched over and it only has Progestin and so far, has been pretty darn good. Good luck!

  25. Ruffingit*

    I currently live in Texas and am from the West Coast, but I’d like to try living on the East Coast for awhile. I crave the colder weather and milder summers. Texas is a horror show of humidity. Anyway, have no problems up and moving somewhere I’ve never been as that is what I did when I moved to Texas and it worked out fine. No worries about good school districts and that sort of thing as I have no kids. Also, small towns, big towns, whatever is fine. I have no desire to live in NYC (nor could I afford to) so I’m thinking more Vermont, Connecticut, Maine, etc.

    So, I’m wondering from those of you who live on the East Coast, what is it really like? What do you love, what do you hate?

    1. paul*

      Come up to the panhandle if you want winter….Texline ISD here had to cancel school this month. For snow.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I spent decades in New England. I wouldn’t exactly call the summers mild, but I guess they probably are milder than Texas ones! I would say you shouldn’t cross Rhode Island off the list. It has its own quiet charm (and lots of great food).

      1. Allypopx*

        Rhode Island, Vermont, and Maine would definitely be my recommendations – particularly if you like great food! The Burlington, Vermont area is so lovely.

        2. Becca*

          I currently live in Providence, RI, and it’s a nice small city! I personally prefer Boston, but RI definitely has its draws. RI is more affordable than eastern MA, and it’s still in fairly easy distance to Boston, NYC, NH, etc. Plus, the winters in RI are easier than further north. It’s cold, but less snow— a win. And Providence has a great theater!

          It is still often humid in the summer, but less so than in Texas I imagine!

    3. Allypopx*

      I grew up in Maine and have spent my adult life in Massachusetts.

      Summers get hot, and it’s a humid heat, but temperatures rarely get over 100. Springs and falls are absolutely gorgeous (allergens aside, this spring, but apparently that’s a widespread problem). There’s really nothing like New England foliage in the fall.

      Winters can be hard to get used to. The farther north and the farther inland you are, it’s worse. Generally it has to be pretty bad for schools and businesses to close, because we have plows and people are supposed to have shovels or snowblowers in their homes, so clearing snow is something you have to learn, as well as driving in snow, if you’re in an area where you have to drive. Two feet at a time of wet, heavy snow is not uncommon.

      Assuming you haven’t experience that before, winter would be a big adjustment, but I’ve seen people make that adjustment successfully. Spring and fall, as I’ve said, are lovely, but also unpredictable, so you need to have mastery over dressing in light layers, because the temperature can range 40 degrees and 3 types of weather in one day. You’ll need to own a variety of jackets of different weights and styles. Shoes as well.

      Really, all said and done, what I hate is the humidity in the summer. You can always put on more layers, but summers can be really uncomfortable. If you’re already dealing with intense, humid summers, you’ll probably not even be phased, but I know people who have come from dry heat areas and found the humidity really hard to adjust to, even though the median temperatures are lower.

      Hope that helps!

    4. Stephanie*

      I really liked how close everything was! (Moved from Houston to DC.) I could drive less than four hours (or take a train or bus ride) and be in a totally different city.

      Hmm, what might be an adjustment is the housing. If you’re not talking NYC, it may not be dramatically more expensive, but you’ll have to get used to older housing with things like no central air, radiators, etc unless you’re living in something new.

      Wardrobe might be a bit of an adjustment. I didn’t really grasp the concept of a spring jacket until I moved to DC. Things like long underwear, insulated boots, etc were also foreign to me until I moved to Pittsburgh.

    5. Portia*

      I live in Texas too, but I lived in New Hampshire for four years and Massachusetts for three.
      The summers are not that much more mild: summer in MA and NH was very humid, and pretty hot. More importantly, central AC is not nearly as common in the north as it is down here, so I found summers in the north much more uncomfortable because it was harder to get cool inside. However, the summers are much shorter: mid-June to mid-August, basically, rather than our lovely May-October southern summers.

      I loved everything about living in Boston — the culture, the architecture, the history, the food, the great public transit, the general sense that something fun was always happening — except two things: housing cost and winters. I HATED the winters. Hated, hated, hated. I realized that it really didn’t matter that I had access to all these great things in Boston, because I basically stopped leaving my apartment in winter except for work because I hated the cold so much. Do not underestimate the logistical hassle of snow and ice (and I didn’t even have a car!). Also, rent in Boston was so darn high.

      1. Stephanie*

        Yeah…don’t discount the lack of central AC. My parents helped me move from Phoenix to Pittsburgh last August. We drove and they were like “Pssssh, we’re from Phoenix. Pittsburgh summer won’t be that rough.” And then they got to my non air-conditioned apartment and dealt with 85 and humidity and were like “This is terrible. Let’s go find the first A/C unit we can.” (We bought a floor model from Costco.)

        Similar thing happened going from Texas to DC. DC summers weren’t as bad, for sure, but they were still a bit miserable. I was walking around a lot more and there were more older buildings that lacked the mega-powered A/C units so common in Texas.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      I’d suggest thinking about whether you’d prefer cold winter/milder summer or mild winter/hot summer. I’m in NJ where we get down to winter 0 and up to summer 100 and it’s really hard on my body as I get older. Dry winters and purely wet humid summers. I can’t imagine committing to a long stay in this state if you’re not used to that.

      1. Stellaaaaa*

        I would also gently urge you to consider the general attitude shifts in the northeast. I hesitate to say that we’re rude mofos but the overall culture here doesn’t lend itself to a mode of slow pleasant politeness that you might be accustomed to. My mom moved here from ohio 35 years ago and she still struggles with it. Sometimes I’ll travel to another state and I’m shocked by how nice people are to me, a stranger! Omg do they want something from me ? Should I be nervous??? If you struggle to socialize it’s something to take seriously. At the risk of generalizing, friendships are hard in NYC-adjacent regions.

        1. Allypopx*

          Ha, yes. That’s one of my favorite things about Boston, honestly. Cold and unfriendly, unless you genuinely need something, and then totally willing to help you out. (Except to service people. Always be genuinely nice to service people. Always.)

          But in the more rural areas of Maine/New Hampshire/Vermont I still encounter that small town charm where everyone wants to be your friend. It’s one of my least favorite things about going home.

          I realize this says a lot about me as a person.

            1. Allypopx*

              Oh that’s interesting. That hasn’t been my experience. I have my DND bubble up regarding strangers, but my friendships are typically strong and comfortable.

              I do also have a lot of friends who didn’t grow up here but I don’t find relationships difficult with people who did.

              Everyone experiences the region differently though.

              1. Stellaaaaa*

                If you don’t still have all your friends from high school it’s rough to start over from scratch as an adult in this area. People don’t want new friends.

                1. all aboard the anon train*

                  I actually disagree with this. I think it’s a lingering stereotype, but I know plenty of people who grew up and still live in New England who are looking to make new friends, myself included. Most of my friends have moved on to kids and spouses and houses in the suburbs and I’ve been creating a new friend group without that many problems.

                2. Stellaaaaa*

                  NJ is often its own beast when it comes to stuff like this. I found people in New England to be positively southern compared to the people in my region.

                3. Allypopx*

                  I mean I started from scratch. Most of my friends and my bf I’ve met in the last 3-5 years. Some at work, some through friends of friends, one good friend I met at a move premiere, idk. But I hear this a lot from people and I know it’s a major hurdle to moving to new areas… I wonder if anyone has good strategies for making friends?

                  I know it’s not that people don’t want new friends, I have one friend in her 30s who moved her from Ohio and never goes to an event without three phone numbers of people who just want to talk to her more, but she’s more blatantly social than anyone I’ve ever met.

                4. Stellaaaaa*

                  I’m not really disagreeing with you Allypop. But I’m not going to debate my actual lived experiences with other commenters who don’t even live in the state I’m talking about.

                5. Allypopx*

                  Oh I was erring towards discussion, not debate, I’m sorry it came off that way. I’m not disagreeing with you either. I just think the breadth of experiences in this is interesting, and you bring up a concern that comes up a lot on this site even, and I wonder how cultural it is and what factors really contribute.

                  But we can move on.

                6. all aboard the anon train*

                  I can’t reply to my other comment because of threading, but I just realized you weren’t talking about new England. Whoops! Sorry!

        2. all aboard the anon train*

          Yeah, I generally try to tell people that when you approach on the street or strike up a conversation with a stranger, we tend to be wary and short, but it’s more because they don’t know you rather than because we’re unfriendly. I know my first reaction is always “What do you want? Do I know you?” but slip into being friendly and helpful if they’re asking for directions or help or something.

          It’s a culture of needing to get where you’re going ASAP and without any interruptions rather than strolling along and taking your time.

          1. katamia*

            Yeah. I struggled a lot when I lived in the Midwest because I found all those conversations that other people seem to like really intrusive. I was just trying to get where I was going/do my grocery shopping/whatever, and these “friendly” people were getting in the way of that. If someone needed help, yeah, I’d help them, but otherwise politeness, to me, is not getting in people’s way.

            1. all aboard the anon train*

              Definitely. I think, and maybe this is regional and maybe it’s my experience, wary of people trying to get personal information out of small talk. My first reaction is “why do you want to know how my day is going?”, but that could be New England reservedness.

              A friend who used to live in the South said she found it bizarre when she came up north because when she’d ask “how’s it going?” people would respond “Fine!” or “Good” as they kept on walking whereas she was used to people stopping to actually talk about how their day was going. Regional quirks are hard to get used to.

              1. katamia*

                I’m not always wary about it, although sometimes I am. My reaction is usually closer to when I’m driving in a 35-mph zone and I get stuck behind someone going 20: “Ugh, why are you messing up my flow?”

            2. Stephanie*

              Yeah, my friend and I were in Indianapolis for a wedding. He’s from the Northeast. He comes back to our hotel room and is like “Gah, the lady at the CVS was so friendly! It was weird. She kept asking all these questions about my visit and it was just really odd. I just wanted my toothpaste!”

          2. Stephanie*

            My friend moved to NYC from California. She theorizes that it’s just a lack of personal space in NYC (i.e., that you’re always around people) that might make people seem colder than they actually are. She did say once you got past the initial barrier, it was easy to make friends there.

        3. The Unkind Raven*

          I disagree with this stereotype. I’m from NY. I’m rarely treated rudely where I live or in the city, and no more so than when I’ve traveled to other states. In fact, I’m often impressed by the general kindness I encounter where I live and in the city. So while you are entitled to your experiences, as you note below, please don’t generalize/stereotype about whole states full of people because of your personal, individual, perspective.

    7. Mimmy*

      I live in New Jersey but visit Boston every Thanksgiving where my sister lives.

      New Jersey’s climate can vary greatly, no matter what time of year it is. Some winters are mild, others are cold and snowy. I used to love the change of seasons when I was younger, but now I’m craving something more consistent. Boston is similar.

      I also find the Northeast to be very congested, at least the places I’m familiar with, like Boston, NYC or Philadelphia. The infrastructure is just not built for allllllll these people and vehicles!! At least with Boston and even Philly, there is a lot of history to many of the buildings and neighborhoods.

      I love going into NYC for shows and other unique experiences, but oh yes, it sure is expensive!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I left Connecticut. That is all I will say there. YMM will V.

      Upstate NY is nice. Of course the more north you go the worse the winters get. But I probably run an AC three times all year. Of late the worst part is February, the rest of the winter is tamer than it used to be. You need to stay near populated areas if you want a variety of job choices. I have thought that things are less expensive here than in Connecticut. Just my opinion, though.

      Vermont is interesting to me. It’s a different mini-culture and a different way of looking at things. Some of it is tree-huggy stuff but mostly it seems pretty laid back. NY does a lot to protect consumers( probably why industries packed their bags and left), I see stuff in Vermont that would never fly in NY.

      Maine. “Live free or die” and I am finding that Maine is yet again different from other states. The one complaint I have heard is that property taxes are incredible.

      1. KR*

        I should not Live Free or Die is the New Hampshire motto. Everyone always forgets about NH.

        1. Allypopx*

          Yep, Maine is The Way Life Should Be ;) (Or Vacationland, after a rebranding awhile back, but that’s dumb.)

    9. katamia*

      I live further south on the East Coast (DC area), but I spent a lot of time growing up in New Hampshire in the summer. It gets cold there (it got down to the 30s at night sometimes). I’ve never been up there in the winter, but my friends in New Hampshire and Massachusetts seem to be constantly buried in snow all winter. Which they seem to tolerate okay, but the sight of even small amounts of snow just makes me want to cry, so I don’t understand how they deal with it (although they don’t understand how I can do a DC summer with broken air conditioning without melting, either :P).

      I was also bugged by the lack of diversity up there, although we spent most of our time in smaller towns, so maybe it’s better in the big city. But as a religious minority, I’m not sure I would have felt comfortable actually living in the places we visited. I assume the cities are better about that, though.

      If you wind up in Maine (or even New Hampshire) and you’re near the ocean, eat ALL the cheap lobster you can get your hands on. So good.

    10. Jenny*

      I am born in NY, raised in NY and CT and now live in MA with my husband, who grew up in TX. Here is the scoop:

      Texas pros: mild winters, friendly people, low cost of living (even in the cities- husband loved in austin and dallas). Bluebell ice cream. Big wide open skys.

      Texas cons (from my Ex-Tex husband and my point of view): too much religion, too much passive-aggressiveness (bless their hearts), too many people that have never left Texas. We are still asked when we are “coming back home to God’s country.”), heat, humidity.

      New England pros: seasons, ocean, boats.
      New England cons: cost of living, cold (COLD), people are standoffish and keep to themselves (we don’t mind!). Everything is close together (“like bottles on shelf” says DH). Even in the farm-y areas there are major clusters of people/places that is very different than TX. Traffic here is horrendous. Anything along the I-95 corridor and especially anywhere near NYC or Boston. Southern CT (Bridgeport to Greenwich, then westchester) is its own hell.

      Noteworthy considerations:
      -if firearms are a hobby of yours, consider New Hampshire. They are extremely expensive to own in MA.
      – no income tax in TX; no income tax in NH. 5-7% elsewhere.
      -generally speaking, public school options up north are better than in TX. Varies, but my husband was genuinely surprised at the quality of public education up here.
      -much less emphasis on religion, very vocally socially liberal. MA has a republican governor but that is strictly fiscal.
      -country/social clubs are different here than down south
      – I am a working mom; this is totally and completely common in MA. It is rare among DH’s family friends.

      1. Jenny*

        Coming back to add- if finding a job/decent commute is not a concern, I’d recommend these areas to maximize an east coast experience without breaking the wallet:

        Southeastern CT (1-95 corridor from Madison to Stonington), Rhode Island (but not Providence- anywhere in the coast which is most of RI), the “south coast” aka “farm coast” of MA (coastal MA from south of the Cape down to near New Bedford/Fall River), southern coastal Maine, possibly the north shore of MA (Ipswich, Newburyport, Glouster, etc). NH and VT are very nice but if this is a temp move, I’d push to be nearer to the ocean. If not, then try for near a big mountain or lake in VT/NH. If you move to NH near an election year be prepare to be inundated with political ads since NH is a swing state. It’s incredibly annoying.

    11. Anxa*

      While I’m sure it’s nothing like Texas, do keep in mind that the East Coast is not exactly Not Humid. The North East can be refreshing because they don’t blast the AC as bad, in my experience, which means that you can wear shorts and short sleeves and won’t get that awful feeling of walking in from 90 degree weather all sweaty into a chilly room, which makes me really miserable. On the other hand, some buildings don’t have AC at all.

    12. Dan*

      Transplanted small town midwesterner to suburban D.C. What do I like? Civilization.
      Public transportation. Four pro sports teams. Good dining options. Access to good air transportation. The winters here are nothing compared to what I grew up with.

      What do I not like? Traffic sucks ass. Summers are humid as hell. Cost of living? You’re going to miss Texas. That’s the one thing that makes me want to move.

    13. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      New England has milder summers. Everywhere else is like heat and humidity Hades (I’m from DC area, lived in MD by the water, and now live in FL). The mid-Atlantic humidity and temps beat where I live in FL every single summer (we have a breeze to trick us into thinking it is not as bad as it actually is). Happy moving…change is great!

    14. Elizabeth West*

      I lived in Delaware for a while. It wasn’t bad, though it ended up not being for me. It’s a pretty part of the country and is relatively close to everything.

  26. paul*

    The new edition of Texas Mammals is out and man is it sparking some debate with the updated range maps for cougar, bear and elk. I haven’t had this much fun in years. It also validates my long standing suspicion that most historical reports of grizzly bears in the Texas panhandle were spurious, or misidentified black bears.

    Personally I’ll bet my bottom dollar we get at least occasional transient members of those species in the NW panhandle (I’ve seen roadkill elk within 10 miles of the TX/NM border, and bear scat within 30-40 miles). I also don’t think we’ve got resident cougar as far into the southeast panhandle as they do, mostly based on discussions with researchers that run game cameras in the Palo Duro Canyon system and the Canadian River drainage.

    1. fposte*

      That first sentence is the kind of peek into a new world I just adore. I don’t think anybody’s claimed they saw a grizzly around my part of the country; the jury’s still out on the possible bobcat sighting, which is about as exciting as we get.

      1. paul*

        I’m happier in an ecosystem where something can eat me :)

        I don’t think anyone in living memory has claimed to have seen a grizzly here; but most “historical range maps” show them as occurring in the western 2/3rds of the state which has *never* made sense. There’s one, repeat one, documented case of a single old male being shot in the Davis Mountains down near the border in 1890-and keep in mind Texas has *always* been fairly sparsely populated in that region-there weren’t a ton of people to push them out.

        There were constant references to recent (<500 year old) fossil remains but none of them were really full. And in the last couple of years a pair of fairly respected researches spent a lot time combing through them and determined nearly all of them were black bear. Some were unidentifiable (single digit amounts here) and may have been grizzly but most of them weren't.

        Currently the big debate around here is black bear, cougar and wolf, and if they're starting to come back or might come back. I'm hoping jaguars do eventually–they used to be moderatly common (by apex predator standards) in the southern 1/4 or so of the state–but I'm kind of pessimistic about those, since that area is much more heavily populated.

        Wolves…*if* Wyoming, Idaho and Colorado don't shoot all them in their states I think we'll start getting them again. One was hit by a car (and this was a radio collared wolf from a Yellowstone pack) along I-70 in Colorado, and they've seen packs along the Utah border again recently. Northern NM and Southern Colorado are pretty empty so if they start coming back in numbers–and it may take 20 years IF those states don't start shooting them all–I kind of think we may get them again in the northern panhandle

        1. fposte*

          Now I’m trying to figure out if the few cougar and bear sightings in my state in the last few years are verified. It does look like one was killed in a near north Chicago neighborhood in 2009 (looking for the nightlife like all the other cougars, presumably).

      2. Liane*

        While we now live in the state capital, before my in-laws passed away, we lived in the rural area just outside the city. (Most of Arkansas is rural.) There are still rumors of a cougar aka mountain lion roaming around there, but we never saw any signs of it. I just checked the Game and Fish Commission website and it said, in a Nov. 2014 article, that there had been 5 confirmed sightings “in the last 5 years” (but not where) & no breeding population verified. It mentioned that the animals had been common until 1920. I looked for information on whether there were wolves in the state, but it looks like they were killed off, probably in the predator bounty hunts in the late 1920s as the same article gave counts for wolves and bobcats taken then. :(
        We do have coyotes and foxes and have seen a few of each, even close to the city.

  27. Myrin*

    We had a lively thread about gardening here last week and I’d like to post an update:

    I got my young plants on Tuesday and after two days of restless work, they all have a new home now! They seem to have lived through their first night without a cover very well – except for the basil, who is a very sad plant at the moment because the little hat I gave him was blown away and almost took him with it but I’m positive all will be normal in a day or two. I’m all for documentation so I made heaps of pictures – I’m too lazy to search for the connecting cord right now (it’s already evening here) but I’ll post them to my tumblr tomorrow and if anyone’s interested, I’ll put a link to that here as well?

  28. Gingerbird*

    So I’m finally doing a dating app, and I find that all my recent photos I have were taken by my parents. As such, they are all horrible. Why is it that parents always have the ability to take photos that give you a double chin?

    1. esra (also a Canadian)*

      Seriously. I am so glad the woman who handles our instagram account at work has snapped a few shots of me, because I am also giving online dating a shot and my mom seems to live for derpy shots.

    2. salad fingers*

      My guess is that it’s because you always look beautiful to them, no matter what ＾ω＾

    3. Mazzy*

      Growing up we used to laugh because my grandma had a photo of each of us in her wallet, and the one of my sister was a side angle in a shadow with a double chin. The picture was horrible! But she was showing it to everyone!

    4. Elizabeth West*

      My mum has a FRAMED picture of me she took at my first ice show, attempting to do a spiral (the worst spiral in history) and it’s AWFUL. It’s right next to my sister’s beautiful ballet picture. Jeez mum.

  29. nep*

    Another trip to the dentist this past week. I will go to my grave not having addressed all the problems in my mouth. And I haven’t got the money to get very necessary work done right now. (Great added incentive to make more money.) Oddly, though, I invariably come away from the dentist office almost giddy; the experience always gets me momentarily overwhelmed and on the brink of meltdown, but instantly I think to myself, a lot of people are facing far worse issues than I. The experience also always reminds me to live in and seize the moment; I ‘ve got many and potentially dangerous problems with my teeth… But I’m alive, pretty damned healthy otherwise, and life goes on. One day at a time.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      +1 on the “things could be much worse” observation. Also that life goes on, one day at a time.
      Any chance you can find a dentistry school to do your work for less money?

      1. nep*

        Many have recommended that; it’s a great suggestion. It’s largely down to stress levels. Already it’s all I can do to open my mouth (it’s a special kind of nakedness, truly) in front of staff and dentist I’ve been seeing for a long time. I’d rather deal with the stress and objective of coming up with the money than go see a new group of people.
        (And yes — it probably would be character-building in a way to suck it up…but that’s where I am.)
        Thank you.

  30. Myrin*

    Thoughts on a relationship between a 22-year-old guy and a 17-year-old girl?

    The guy in question – who is a good friend of mine and has been for years – told me last week (via chat) that he has a girlfriend now. Cool! I’m really happy for him! I asked what her name is and if I maybe know her (we were both born here so if she’s from this area as well, that’s generally quite possible) and he wrote something like “I don’t think you know her; she’s quite a bit younger than me, only 17. It’s a bit weird, I know, and I had to think really long and hard about it but oh my, that’s how it is. :/”.

    The fact that her age pretty definitely means that I don’t know her since she’s almost ten years younger than me aside, do you think such a relationship is weird/cause for concern? I know one always needs to take the actual people in it into account, not just statistics and generalities, but I’m wondering. I’m feeling nothing in particular about it other than a mild strangeness which mostly seems connected to my feeling like an old fart, but my sister immediately went “Ugh, creepy!”. My friend is definitely not the predatory type and 22 is hardly old but on the other hand, 17 is really young. Also, he himself seemed unsure about it as well if he feels it’s “weird” and I’m not quite sure what to make of it. (I haven’t talk with him in person since, maybe his text just came across weirdly.) What do others think?

    1. Allypopx*

      21 and 26? Not weird at all. I’m 25 and my boyfriend is 32. Totally cool. But 17 and 22 is a bigger age gap, practically. Relationships aren’t about years alive, they’re about being in the same place in terms of goals, experience, stage in life, and most importantly maturity. These things become blurrier when you get older, but 17 is young by most standards, and 22 really isn’t.

      Also, I’m assuming it’s legal where you are because that’s not part of your concerns, but that can be a concern in general.

      She could be a really mature 17 (or he could be a less mature 22) and it might work great for them! But “she’s mature for their age” is also a thing creepy people say to justify their creepiness, so that defense makes me a little skeeved, even if it’s true.

      The individuals are the most important thing. It bothers me in theory, but I don’t know these people, and when I was 18 my boyfriend was 21, which doesn’t bother me as much, so it’s a little subjective. The important thing is they are in a safe, mutually beneficial, respectful relationship, and if they are, good on them!

      If you trust your friend I don’t think this is on its own a cause for concern. But if he’s having feelings, maybe help him talk through them. People should trust their gut in those dynamics.

      Also, as you demonstrate, they’ll probably be attracting some side-eye, which he may or may not be willing to take the weight of.

    2. fposte*

      Age gaps and suitable age are things where opinions shift like the wind over time and distance; right now the US tends to be very, very opposed to the point of considering relationships between over 18 and under downright immoral (in about 10 states in the U.S., it’s statutory rape for your friend to have sex with with this girl).

      But I also don’t think it’s that simple–I wouldn’t necessarily be appalled by a 17-year-old college freshman (which I was) dating a 22-year-old college senior (though I didn’t). What makes me raise an eyebrow is that those are usually, in contemporary Western culture, two very different stages of life; it’s too common for the appeal for the older person, consciously or unconsciously, to be the limited knowledge and experience of the younger person. They like the asymmetry of power that they wouldn’t have with partners their own age. That’s the dynamic that worries me, but the ages don’t automatically tell you if that’s the dynamic–they just make it a very significant possibility.

      1. Myrin*

        Yeah, that’s exactly what makes me go “Caution!” whenever I hear about such relationships.

        Our educational system is pretty different from the US one so it’s very possible to have a 17-year-old who is already in her second year of full time work and a 22-year-old who is in the middle of his university time, which I would view differently from a 17-year-old who still has two years of school to do and a 22-year-old who has been part of the workforce for six years already (although even there, the aspect of “general life experience” doesn’t simply go away). But I don’t know what my friend’s girlfriend does anyway, so that’s a bit of a moot point right at the moment.

        I’d really like to see them together, just to get a better feel for the situation. I’ve also been thinking a bit about why he would be interested in a teenager like that (I know that when I was 22, it would have to have taken an exceptional 17-year-old for me to get interested in because they’re just so much younger!) and I’m coming down on a bit of a mean thought: He is somewhat unattractive (I’m a horrible friend, dear lord), a bit of a hermit (something we originally bonded over), and his last relationship was already in the past when we met six years ago. I know that he always would’ve liked to have a girlfriend during all that time we’ve known each other and can imagine that he doesn’t want to let the opportunity go to waste, so to speak. Which is a bit at odds with the fact that he’d had to “think about it long and hard” but that’s where my brain is going. But that’s all speculation, of course, and I’d have to talk to him about it to really get a feel for the situation because maybe I’m reading it all wrong!

      2. NoMoreFirstTimeCommenter*

        I know someone who started dating her now-husband when she was in high school and he had graduated from university. They seem to be doing fine, been together for over ten years now, and the age gap isn’t so big anymore relatively. So it can work – but I still think it usually won’t.

        1. fposte*

          And then you get to the interesting possibility that it works and we don’t like the reasons why–that the couple likes the asymmetry, for instance. Lots of lasting relationships squick other people out.

    3. Ann O.*

      I was in a relationship with that age difference, and unfortunately, you really do have to take the actual people in it into account. There’s not a lot of generalities. The actual age gap is not large by adult relationship standards, so it’s really about life experiences/current places in life. At that age, those can be quite divergent or not actually all that divergent.

      Also, even when the life experiences are divergent, it doesn’t always matter. One of my college friends was in a relationship with a similar type of age range, where they absolutely were in different places in life. On paper, it would have sounded creepy. But they met through a shared hobby and just gelled. I’m in my late 30s, and this couple remains happily married.

      In the abstract, I would definitely worry about it being predatory, but it sounds like you feel confident that’s not the case here.

    4. Rogue*

      My husband is 45 and I’m 35. I met him when I was 16 and started seriously dating shortly after I turned 18. Been together ever since.

    5. Ruffingit*

      I think it’s too much of a gap right now. As Allypox mentioned, the older you get the less a 5-year gap matters, but at this stage, she’s about to graduate high school and he is college grad age. It’s just two completely different places in life. I say this with some experience as I was 19 when I met my first husband who was 26 at the time. We were in such different life places, it wasn’t a good idea. Of course, I didn’t realize that at the time. Had I been 26 and he 33, that would have been fine. But when you’re still a teen, it matters a lot.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      When I was 17 I would have thought nothing of dating someone who was 22. At 22, I found peers who pursued teenagers to be kinda creepy.

      2. Myrin*

        Yeah, that was basically my thought (and always is whenever I hear of relationships with that kind of age gap). I’d love to see them together or just generally learn more about how they met and what made her interesting to him but we won’t see each other until the week after next so until then, I’ll have to think about it by myself.

    7. all aboard the anon train*

      Well, 17 is high school and 22 is college (or post-college). Those are two completely different situations. Five years isn’t a big deal if you’re 30 and 35, but 17 and 22 is the difference between a teenager and an adult.

      If he admits that it’s a bit weird and that he had to think a long time about dating someone so young, he obviously already has concerns about her age. It does come off creepier than a five year age difference between adults.

    8. Detective Amy Santiago*

      My sister had just turned 18 when she met her now husband who was 26. They’ve been together for 8 years, but it was definitely weird when they first started dating.

      1. SAHM*

        Oh that’s so funny! That’s my hubbys and mine age gap! I was 18 and he was 26, been together 12 years and three kids now. We’ve always just meshed, I joke he’s my other puzzle piece.

    9. AlaskaKT*

      Eh, when I was 16 my boyfriend was 26. Back then it was cool, thinking back it was weird. Of course I met him in high school. He was still in school (got kicked out eventually) when I started (at 13, I was a youngin).

      Of course I broke up with him because he wouldn’t prove he was an adult. Had the same 7 11 job for 5 years and refused to get his FED.

      Oddly enough, my parents liked him and were cool with it. Or maybe they just hated him less than my previous boyfriend…

    10. Not So NewReader*

      The age difference does not raise an issue for me. I met a guy just before my 19th birthday. He was 32. I married him.
      The concern I have is that she is not 18. These things go okay until they don’t. Too many times the parents decide they don’t like the guy and the guy ends up on the sex offender registry because the parents reported him.

      I had a 20 year old friend who was getting interested in a 16 year old guy. I told her to be careful. And I told her specific stories of people we knew. She must have really thought about it because later she told me they parted company.

      I do agree that the difference between 17 and 22 can be more like a ten year difference because of the stages of life, but people can work though that and grow together. It’s tougher, though, when one of them is in prison.

      1. Myrin*

        Fortunately, that’s not a concern in my country. (I was quite sure of that already but I actually looked it up just now and he would only be indictable if he gave her money for sexual favours or if he were something like her teacher, guardian, boss, or similar.)

    11. SaraV*

      There’s a “rule of thumb” that’s floating around the internet that if you’re the older partner in a relationship, you divide your age by 2, and then add 7. This gives you an “acceptable” age to date.

      So 22/2 = 11
      11 + 7 = 18

      So your friend is just outside those parameters, but not by much obviously. Still, for me, that whole “not 18” squicks me out a bit. But that might be my “American bias” showing slightly. (I believe you’re in Germany?)

      PS – Can I use any more quotation marks? “Yes,” she said.

      1. Thlayli*

        That’s pretty much the standard rule. I’ve actually done the sums and found that it fits with my own gut feelings for what’s weird. 22 and 18 wouldn’t phase me. 22 and 17 is just a bit weird, though I think that’s as much because of the adult/child aspect than the actual age difference.

      1. SeekingBetter*

        I also knew a lot of girls in my high school who dated guys in their early 20s.

    13. HannahS*

      It so much depends on the people. A mature 17 year old and a young 22….eh. Especially if they’re in similar stages of life—say, a young woman starting her post-secondary education and a young man beginning graduate or professional school. Or two young people beginning of their careers. It wouldn’t have been right for me, but I could see it being fine for lots of people.

      AT THE SAME TIME I’m super wigged out by adults being with minors. I knew them, I’d strongly advise them not to have sex or even publicly have a relationship until she’s 18. I’m not 100% up on the laws of statutory rape (and we’re not likely in the same jurisdiction anyway!) but I’m pretty sure that where I live he’s on awfully shaky ground. I heard a story (and this was from a teacher, so, reputable) about a 17 year-old a 22 or 23 year-old–both men. Even though they asserted that everything between them was consensual, the younger guy’s father called the police and tried to set up an investigation on the basis of statutory rape. The subtext was that the dad was not totally on board with his baby boy being gay and was lashing out, but it still caused real trauma and damaged the burgeoning relationship.

    14. Anonymous Educator*

      I think in terms of determining how weird or judge-y about it to be will depend on a couple of things:

      1. Is your friend creepy and predatory in general. You said he’s not, so we’ll take your word for it.

      2. Is this a trend with your friend (he always seems to date extremely young women)? Also sounds as if that’s probably not the case.

      The only other thing I’ll say is that—and I realize some people here hate Dan Savage as much as they hate Myers-Briggs, but sometimes he speaks truth—your friend should follow “the campsite rule” and just make sure he leaves her better off than he found her. No undisclosed STDs. No unplanned pregnancies. No lofty unrealistic promises of their future together.

    15. LCL*

      I had a ‘relationship ‘ in high school with a man that started when I was 15 and he was 30. And yes, my parents did everything in their power to stop it but weren’t able to. Looking back, I see it as mostly a waste of time.

    16. Mela*

      Does 17 mean she’s not in university yet? Or starting next fall?
      Differences in age aren’t necessarily bad, you can learn from older partners.

      I think it’s more important to suss out if there are power differentials. If she’s changing her life plans to suit him, or not doing things she would normally be doing because of their relationship, then that’s no good. It sounds like he’s aware there’s room for this to be inappropriate, maybe ask/talk to him about what he’s going to do to make sure she retains her agency. I’d say in this type of set up, it’s the older person’s responsibility to actively encourage the younger partner to go and do things, to ensure they’re not missing out on the experiences they deserve at that age.

      1. Myrin*

        I know literally nothing about her other than her age yet. And we have a very different school system here compared to the US, so she could either already be in her second year of full time work or she could graduate in one-and-a-half years and after that either go to university or start learning a profession.

        I’m definitely going to talk to him about it but I’ll only be seeing him in the week after next, so I’m in speculation land at the moment.

    18. Rookie Manager*

      When I was 17 I casually dated a 22yo. He was definitely an “older man” which seemed cool to me and my friends. At that time boys my age seemed really immature. He encouraged me to plan for the future, have adventures and physically it was a pretty chaste relationship (I think he felt responsible about not crossing any boudaries while I was at school). However, my parents weren’t ‘excited’ about our friendship.

      For several years after that we kept in touch and he would give me relationship advice from the male perspective. My partner and I have the same age gap now and there have been no issues there apart from the odd joke about him being ancient or something being before my time.

      I think it really depends on the individuals involved. You’ll get a better sense of that when you meet her and see them together.

  31. Sunflower*

    How to sleep through the night when you’re sick and nighttime cough medicine isn’t cutting it?

    I’ve had a brutal cold the past 2 weeks and taking off work isn’t an option. In fact, I’ll be traveling all next week and hotel rooms make my nose stuffy as is(I have a humidifier I bring along already). I’ve been taking Robitussin DM during the day and Muxinex Severe at night to try to zonk myself out but it doesn’t seem to work. I have never really taken nighttime cough medicine but other medicines, like Benedryl, don’t make me sleepy at all so I’m wonder if antihistamines don’t have the affect on me they have on others. I’ve taken cough medicine with codeine but that REALLY zonks me out- like 14 hours out cold so not good during the week. Any other suggestions?

    1. Anono-me*

      I find sleeping in a recliner chair helpful when I am severely congested.

      Some hotel and motels have rooms a with recliner chair. (Personally I have found this to be more common in establishments catering to OTR truck drivers.) You might also be able to prop your self up with multiple pillows or a wedge pillow.

      Good luck

    2. misspiggy*

      Prop yourself up sitting – once you’ve got used to it you’ll find breathing easier.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Yes, but be careful with your pillows so that you don’t end up falling asleep all slumped over like a hunchback. Arrange them so your lower back gets support.

    3. Aunt Vixen*

      Can you take half a dose of the zonk-out medicine? When I was on Ativan (which is for anxiety, so it’s only tangentially related to this, but still), the prescribed dose put me right to sleep, which was great, and I slept through the night, but I was pretty stupid until almost lunch time the next day. Pill splitter to the rescue; half a dose put me right to sleep and I woke up at a decent hour having actually slept instead of fretting all night.

      Though I suppose that sort of advice about cough medicine is basically suggesting that you medicate by drinking. Hmm.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I am a big fan of vitamin D for coughs. I don’t buy cough syrup anymore and it takes me a year to use up a small package of cough drops.

    5. Cristina in England*

      I try to sleep as close to sitting up as I can, because it helps my nose clear. I have a box of tissues next to me on the bed and I listen to some podcast or something and fall asleep to that so I am not stuck thinking about how miserable I feel. I can’t take any of my beloved NyQuil right now anyway so if I had a cough I would also sleep with cough syrup and Halls and a bottle of water on my nightstand.

      I hope you get well soon!

    6. Merci Dee*

      Make sure that you’re not taking a medication at night that is an expectorant. Those meds don’t prevent coughs – they make it easier to cough by thinning secretions, so you can more easily move them out of your chest. But you’ll still cough.

      I’ve always had goid result with Nyquil. It stops my cough enough for me to get to sleep, and works for 6 hours. I’m usually asleep 10 to 15 minutes after taking, so it’s one of the last things I do before bed.

      Hope you get some sleep soon!

    8. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Tessalon perles from the doc. They are a freakin’ miracle and non-narcotic. They don’t interact with other things, either. Those, plus Sinex nose spray helped me breathe and sleep without hacking up various body parts. Feel better!

  32. esra (also a Canadian)*

    Online dating question:

    If a guy sends you a note and seems nice enough, but you 100% aren’t interested, do you send something back to that effect? Just let the silence speak for itself? Something else?

    2. all aboard the anon train*

      I’m assuming this is something like OKCupid and not an app where you both need to be interested in order to chat? If so, ignore it. I found that when I sent back a note saying I wasn’t interested it was a 50/50 chance that I was going to get a scathing letter back or one with a lot of hurt emotions trying to guilt trip me.

    3. katamia*

      I ignore it and, depending on how much I don’t want to hear from them again, I may or may not block them, too. I know people say that they hate ghosting and that it’s kinder to reject someone rather than leaving them with the uncertainty, but enough people are really bad at handling rejection that, as all aboard the anon train says, you’re probably going to get a really mean or guilt-trippy reply back, and it’s just not worth the emotional energy.

    4. Dan*

      Ignore it. As a guy, there’s just nothing good that a rejection message does for me. TBH, when I sit down and write messages, I’m writing a few dozen at a time. I expect to hear back from about ten percent of them. I’m not waiting around, so to speak, so it’s not like I need “closure” or anything like that. If nothing else, I write something and move on, so a rejection actually makes me dig up who I wrote to.

    5. HannahS*

      I do. I feel better about myself when I do. If someone takes time to write something that showed that they had some interest in me as a person (and not “Hi.” or “Hey babe you up?”), then I feel like it would be out of character for me to ignore it, and it grates on me. It’s usually something like, “Hi Wakeen! Thanks so much for writing. Unfortunately, I don’t think we’re suited to each other, but I wish you lots of success on OkCupid! Best, Hannah.”

      1. The German Chick*

        I second this. When someone writes me a personalized message, I’ll make the effort to reply.

    6. This Daydreamer*

      Send him back a message that you have already picked your wedding dress and venue and what size tux does he wear?

      /don’t do this

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      I think unless you’re hoping to becomes friends with him (but just aren’t interested in dating him), don’t write back.

    8. Mela*

      If the note is really personalized and you can tell a lot of thought was put into it, I try to write back like Hannah suggests above. If it’s that it’s a nice but generic message, and I’m not attracted to him or something on his profile suggest we aren’t compatible, I will sometimes write back, depending on my mood/energy levels. Nothing wrong with ignoring them though, I often do.

  33. Rescue ALL the dogs!!!*

    I wrote in quite a while ago about my rescue pup and how depressed he was. Well a few weeks ago we finally made it to our year adoptiversary! He’s come a long way and I still love him to pieces but something has come up and I’m really need some help.

    So my dog is one of those dogs that hates toys. He has SO many (went a bit overboard on the monthly barkbox subscription) and NEVER plays with them. The only thing he enjoys besides walks is going to the dog park to play with other pups. Given my dogs rough upbringing he’s got a bit of an intense wrestlemania play style which isn’t really a lot of dogs cup of tea. We’ve been playing with the idea of getting a companion for him for a while but weren’t ready to pull the trigger but this past Sunday we were approached by one of the dog park regulars who had a rescue up for adoption. So in a split second decision I thought what the hell and took the dog home for a trial.

    I really have no clue how it’s going. I don’t know anyone with two dogs so it’s difficult for me to tell what’s going on or what’s normal. The downside is that there are other families interested so I do need to make a decision quite quickly and I have had her for a week.

    So here’s the highlights:
    – my current dog is about 2, this new dog is somewhere between 7 to 10 months old and is a female.
    – they wrestle…like a lot. And it’s not cute puppy wrestling, it’s like “I’m gonna gnaw off your leg you salty sea wench” kinda stuff. That being said they never yelp or snap at each other, but it is quite intense and it scares the neighborhood children.
    – they are rather polite about food. If she has something he wants he’ll wait for it and vice versa, and they’ll let each other eat whatever’s leftover out of each other’s bowls.
    – they sleep next to each other on the bed
    – my dog has never played with so many toys in all the time I’ve had him. But now that she’s here he wants to play with everything she has touched
    – the walk very well on a lead together
    – however they ignore each other for the most part when they are in the house.

    So I know that sounds like it’s going great but my dog just keeps giving me this sad neglected look that’s breaking my heart and I don’t know if it’s just him adjusting to sharing a space or if he is legitimately hating every second.

    The other dilemma to this is that we are moving abroad next September to a place where dog parks are rare so we think a companion makes sense. The issue is that the country we are moving to has a ban against pit bull type dogs. Now if this new dog is a pit bull it’s like a very small percentage if at all. For reference, she looks exactly like a treeing Tennessee brindle. Since she’s likely a complete mutt I do worry that we will have difficulty with her brindle coloring and getting her across the border, since, while she’s clearly not a straight up pit, she isn’t really any distinguishable breed, so we couldn’t prove she’s not a pit with any certainty.

    So what do I do? Keep her? Give her back? Help!

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      If there are other families interested, I would consider parting with her– mostly because moving abroad with two dogs sounds nightmarish to me! However, none of the things you’re mentioning sound particularly alarming. The wrestling? My dog (who is almost 7) met a 1-year-old puppy at the dog park last night, and the two of them went at it for ages, mouths wide open, rolling in the mud, all that good stuff. So it does sound like they get along.

      However… my dog is very much an only dog, and he gets that sad face when we have friends’ dogs stay over. I once had to take him into the guest room, shut the door, and give him belly rubs for 15 minutes because another buddy was getting all of the attention. But then, my dog is really bonded to me and our friend’s pup was particularly needy at the time.

      If you’re worried about companionship when you move abroad… does your soon-to-be-home have any kind of doggy daycare culture? We didn’t take our bud to dog parks for a really long time (he had to mellow out first), but daycares have been wonderful. He also used to walk with a neighbor’s dog, and that was all the companionship he needed– he’s like his mama in that way. I love to hang out with people and then come home to my own space. :)

      1. Rescue ALL the dogs!!!*

        Haha the logistics of moving is the only thing in this equation that I’m not worried about! I’m one of those people that loves to plan so that’s already been planned out in great detail for a while. I did a lot of research about transporting dogs abroad and after everything was said and done we decided to just bite the bullet and take the Queen Mary 2 across. So we’ve already got that booked and I got an extra kennel reserved just in case, cause I’m sneaky like that. Driving from Florida to Nee York to get on the boat is going to be an interesting road trip but My current dog is really good on long journeys and from what I can tell this little puppy is too.

        We’re moving to northern England and while there are a few dogwalkers in our little town we haven’t found a proper daycare like the one I take him to now. He’s definitely the type that needs to sprint around and stretch his legs so an extra walk in the afternoon just isn’t going to cut it.

        I’m going to come out and admit that I am highly skeptical of these other “homes” that the current owner has lined up. The dog was actually supposed to go to a home on Saturday but the current owner felt something was off when the people made the three+ hour drive to come to pick the dog up but hadn’t done anything to prepare for a puppy (no leash, collar, food, bed, etc). She said the only people she could find interested were all found through Craigslist and located 150 miles+ away and it was hard for her to screen them. So yea I’m a bit hesitant to trust her judgment on what a good home is. Also – and now I’m just ranting but the current owner has had this dog for almost two months and she doesn’t know any commands and wasn’t housetrained, but I’ve had her for a week and she’s already mastered sit and we’ve only had one accident.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          OMG my dream is to take the QM2 with my bud! If my bf ever gets a job in Europe, that is our plan too. :-)

        2. Paranoid Engineer*

          Dog ownership is an odd one over here. Plenty of people have them and walking services are getting to be more common in recent years. It may be a matter of finding one .

          1. Dog*

            I know they are not 100% accurate but could you genetic test the new dog to prove what the dog is? And if the test has too much pit bull in it, not submit the results to immigration.

        3. PRW*

          The behavior between the two is fine. It sounds like the two have a good relationship.

          Figuring out if Older Dog is unhappy: Is Older Dog eating less or having upset stomach? Does he yawn, pant, howl, or pace a lot? Does he insist on being right next to you most of the time? If not, is there a chance he learned all about using “Dog Eyes”? Dog Eye is for getting more pets and stuff from you. All dogs learn it. It does not mean the dog is actually stressed or sad. This is advanced Dog Eye: https://www.facebook.com/groups/148172655699773

          The only other question is whether you love both dogs.

          To find out more about life with dogs in the UK go over to Facebook and join some UK dog groups. People actually co-rent fields for their dogs to run on, like a time share for dogs. I suggest Bull Terriers Mobile, Lola Bull on there can give you lots of insight, https://www.facebook.com/groups/148172655699773/ Get as much paperwork as you can indicating the breed of the dog is something other than American Staffordshire Terrier or American Pit Bull Terrier, which are illegal and can be taken away any time. Staffie and EBT are fine.

        4. Ramona Flowers*

          Doggy daycares definitely exist – you might have some luck searching for creche also?

    2. Not So NewReader*

      The first dog we had here was like this with her brother. They would tumble through the house, rolling over each other. At night they would sleep together and he would hold her= with his front leg across her shoulder.
      I lost that dog when she got hit by a car. When her brother came to visit he would wander the house looking for her. He never got over losing her. His owner said the brother’s health went down hill because of losing his sis.

      Which ever way you decide, decide soon. These two dogs are bonding with each other. You wait too long to take one away and you will see some HUGE sadness from the one you keep.

    3. Red Reader*

      My two rassle pretty hardcore, and especially given everything else – that they sleep near each other, don’t have food issues, walk together well, etc, I’d say it’s more likely that he’s just getting used to not being an only dog PLUS that they just play rough.

      Re the breed question – start getting your vet paperwork in line early, and make sure all the vet paperwork doesn’t have “pit” on it. My younger dog is probably a pit mix of some sort, but we don’t know for sure, so her vet paperwork says she’s a hound/boxer mix because that looks reasonable enough based on her appearance and doesn’t give my homeowners insurance company the screaming willies the way “pit” does. :-P they’re not likely to, like, do full on genetic testing before letting you immigrate, I wouldn’t think?

      1. Rescue ALL the dogs!!!*

        No, from what I can tell they differentiate pit bull types by a list of standards that are very vague and would apply to most dogs. Like “it’s coat is short and bristled”, “it’s height to weight ratio should be in proportion” and “it’s knee joint should be in the upper third of the dog’s rear leg”, among others. But all the items that apply to this new dog also apply to my current dog (and I got his DNA done and he’s definitely not a pit) the only difference between them is her coat and tail.

        1. LCL*

          I hate to be the downer here, because new dog sounds like a good fit. I would never take a dog to the UK that had any hint of pit bull in them. They aren’t legal to have there and the state will take them and kill them. When you are ready to cry type ‘Lennox + UK + dog’ into your browser. Or if you have no reason to find out, skip it.

        2. Perse's Mom*

          Having done a google image search of a treeing TN brindle, but not being sure, I’d go with lab/hound mix. Plenty of hounds have that coloration; it’s certainly not unique to pits. And the dog otherwise looks *nothing* like a pitbull (beyond also being a type of dog).

          If you can afford the DNA test so that it’s not in doubt, it’s probably your best bet. Either way, just make sure ALL your paperwork aligns on the breed listed.

    4. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      On their relationship front, it seems like they get on quite well. The wrestling isn’t something I’d be too concerned about, some pups just romp like that. Our 12 year old pibble hangs out so quietly with me all day that you could forget he was there. Given him a willing partner, though, and he would wrassle so hard they’d body slam into walls like leviathans. He does that with a neighbor’s puppy now – that pup is ALL over him and he loves every second of it. Then we go home, happily, and he sleeps the rest of the day.

      If she doesn’t convincingly look pit (and people are pretty bad at telling what a true pit is), and you can get the vet to give you records that include identifying information like color and sex and breed, have them state she’s definitively something Not Pit. I don’t know how far they would go in trying to ascertain pittiness but if they’ll take the vet’s word for it then that would help.

      But I’m also hesitant because the penalty for being wrong about convincing them that she’s fine is severe. :(

      1. Jenny*

        I would get the genetic testing done. If the results are helpful, that should be enough to protect the dog, I would think.

    5. Bagpuss*

      Doggy daycare does exist, but also you may find that if you contact dogwalkers, kennels or dogsitter they may offer the service you want.
      Dig parks aren’t much of a thing – it tends to be that there will be some areas where dogs *aren’t* allowed (mostly playing fields and children’s play-areas) but that they are allowed elsewhere. I think you’ll find once you move that you’ll meet other dog-walkers and they will be able to tell you which places are good for letting the dogs play off-leash.

      In terms of the pit bull thing, I think that ideally you’d get a report from a vet confirming that the dog isn’t a pit bull.
      In practice, other than when the legislation first came in, I think most cases have been where a dog has bitten or attacked someone, and it is possible to get a certificate allowing you to keep a dog which has been ID’d as a banned breed, subject to conditions. However, you could get some specialist advice in advance. This firm (http://www.doglaw.co.uk/how-we-can-help/ or http://wheldonlaw.co.uk/dog-law-solicitors/prohibited-dogs/ ) might be a good place to start (I haven’t used them, just did a search via google cross-checked with the Law Society) Be Aware that lawyers are required to verify the ID of their clients so they would probably need you to provide certified (notarised) copies of ID and proof of address before they could give you advice,as that’s a standard requirement for solicitors and other professionals here.
      Good luck

  34. AlaskaKT*

    So after a year of gravity fed water filtration, I have clean drinkable water on tap now! Coming from an actual faucet!

    Also, a while back I had asked about opinions on being on tv and if it was worth it or not. Apparently my contact info is going around Hollywood circles because yesterday I was contacted by a third time by the production crew for a new show!

    I’m going to talk to them, but I’ll probably turn these guys down too.

  35. CatCat*

    I’m overall pleased with how my Mother’s Day candles came out. The containers are pretty. I filled the bottom with wax that I dyed a pale blue and scented with a cotton/fresh laundry fragrance. I filled the top part with wax that I dyed pale green and scented with a juniper fragrance. They frosted a little bit on the top, which can’t fix, but can adjust a leeeetle bit by apply heat to the top. I don’t think the moms will care.

    I’m testing one now. The flame is a little higher than I’d like (but the burn is nice and even, not flickering) so if I used these containers again, I’d use a smaller size wick. I adjusted the ratio of wax to fragrance from what I used in the first batch of candles that I made since the scent was really weak when burning. The scent is awesome in this batch.

    Very happy overall and really enjoying this as a hobby.

  36. Rebecca*

    I’m working on getting my Dad’s old tractors ready to sell. Today’s adventure: finding the paperwork in the garage to help identify them. If it ever stops raining, I’m going to get them out of their storage spots, clean them up, and get good photos. (yes, it does stop raining here in PA, this work week coming up looks awesome…of course…)

    1939 Farmall F-14
    1947 Allis Chalmers WC
    1947 Oliver HG Cleat Track (crawler)
    1949 Case VAC

    Three shiny red machines, and a green one. I’m starting to find a good home for them, hopefully someone who will appreciate them and enjoy puttering about on them. Although the Oliver, well, if you putter about on that it will tear the sod up quick as anything with those tank tracks!!

    The other thing I need to do is find some instructions on how to start them. I vaguely remember some of it, like turning on the gas valve, choke, things like that, but I didn’t write anything down, so, rather than trial and error, I think I’ll see if the interwebs can kick out some hints.

    It makes me sort of sad to see them go, but I can’t leave them sit there and rust. Dad would not have wanted that. He’d rather them be with someone who wants them and will use them for something, so that’s what I’m going to do.

    1. KR*

      You might be able to arrange visitation with the new owners! Especially since they’re so classic they’ll surely understand how special they are to you.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      You can check for an antique tractor club in your area. I would call places that sell tractors and see if they know of one or try googling.

      If you put the tractor into the hands of someone who is really interested in the old tractors you can be fairly certain they will get excellent care.

      But you might want to offer your dad’s friends first refusal before going public. You can say something like, “I am getting ready to sell dad’s tractors so I thought I would offer his friends first refusal before advertising the machines.” If you phrase it as first refusal, it gives them an out if they don’t want or can’t afford the tractors.

      1. Rebecca*

        That’s a great idea! My thought was to first find a fair value for them, then let people know they’re for sale. I like the first refusal part!

    3. Headachey*

      My grandfather worked as a salesman for Allis Chalmers after WWII, in Northern Michigan, and likely sold the exact model you have – beautiful machines! Not too many of those around 70 years later.

    4. Cambridge Comma*

      Perhaps you could get professional photos taken of them, and have a small book of them printed.

  37. Not Karen*

    What do you do when you hate where you live but there’s nowhere else to live in your area? :(

    2. fposte*

      Do you mean apartment, neighborhood, or town? Can you move to a different area?

      If you can’t, you do your best to bamboozle yourself by training yourself away from what makes you dislike it and onto the advantages. “Look at all the money I’m saving with this rent!” you say cheerfully. “Wow, this sure is a cozy kitchen to cook in!” you say. “Beats a five-story walkup!” you tell yourself enthusiastically. To some extent this really is redirectable, and if you can’t change it, focusing on hate is going to make you unhappier than you need to be.

      1. paul*

        Also, depending on where you are (physically, financially, etc)…if you hate the actual city you could make it a poitn to try to take a day trip out of town one weekend a month. You’d be amazed the neat stuff you can find if you’re willing to drive 2 hours in any direction in most of the US.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, good idea–or even on public transit or walking within the city. I’m considering starting some public art tourism, even blogging it if I have the energy–I just love public sculptures and murals, especially in random and unexpected places. Or memorial plaques–what are all the memorial plaques on the park benches and trees?

          1. CatCat*

            Love it. I’ve thought about doing the same thing. I’ve stumbled across some really cool murals in alleys in my city. They are real gems. It’s really cool when you come across art in unexpected places.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              I’ve noticed more of this since I’ve been going downtown with my meditation group. There are actually two downtown areas in this city: a midtown square and the streets around it, and one street a bit further north, where a farmer’s market happens every weekend. It’s the one street where we congregate and it’s become more gentrified over time (it used to be an area to stay away from). I found a tea / spice shop, a ton of little art projects, and I just heard about a new bookshop that will be opening soon. :)

            1. fposte*

              Holy cow, that is amazing. It’s always funny to me to think that people walk by stuff like that every day thinking about their grocery needs and and sore feet.

  38. Legalchef*

    35 weeks pregnant and so, so sick. I started a cough almost 2 weeks ago that I thought was allergies, but most definitely isn’t. Went to the dr, who spent a while listening to me breath/cough and said she thought it was just a bad asthma attack thing, and prescribed me the one pregnancy safe steroid inhaler. But, though I got a teeny bit better when I started it last week, I stopped any improvement and if anything am back to where I was. So today I called my Drs emergency line and they called in a zpack for me. It’s really miserable – I can’t walk from the couch to the bathroom without coughing. And I definitely don’t love taking all these meds right now, but I suppose the alternative is worse for the baby then the meds might be. And the coughing is really starting to wear on me, physically and emotionally.

    Just felt like whining, I guess.

    1. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

      Whine away. Many pregnant women get quite sick in their final weeks. Baby is also reducing your ability to breathe, so the z pack should help. Feel better!!

      1. Legalchef*

        Thanks. Honestly I had no idea that it was common to get so sick towards the end. It makes it hard to actually enjoy the end of the pregnancy!

        Luckily I took the first zpack dose yesterday and am already feeling noticeably better. Still not good by any means, but slightly less awful.

    2. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      So sorry you’re sick in the final stretch. That’s miserable :(

      I was often advised that the stress on the baby of our being sick/stressed/in pain is worse than the exposure to the medications so I suspect that’s the case for you with the z-pack. I hope it helps!

      1. Legalchef*

        That’s what I figured – at the end of the day, all the coughing, discomfort, and lack of sleep isn’t good for the baby either!

  39. Not a Cat Lady*

    Just signed up for the dating app Bumble.

    Had a picture of myself in a bikini and it got moderated out! So I put up a different picture in a bikini and that one too!!!

    It’s ridiculous because not only do I see pictures of guys on there wearing less clothing… but some guys have pictures that include other girls in bikinis!!!! Never came across this on a dating app. Super weird……

    1. Dan*

      They’re doing you a favor. A bikini is showing a lot of skin for an OLD profile pic. You’d get a lot of unwanted attention.

      1. zora*

        This. I don’t like how sexist it sounds, but having a bikini pic up there is just going to result in a lot of gross responses. Unless you are only looking for one night stands, drunk texting and unsolicited d&*^ pics, which is fine, more power to you. But if you’re not, then stick w/ clothed pictures.

      2. Not a Cat Lady*

        I don’t know. I feel like a lot of people have it! What do you mean an old pict?

      1. Not a Cat Lady*

        The link doesn’t work. I guess I’ll take your word for it. From the URL… I see a lot of mirror selfies though. And mine wasn’t. :-)

  41. Tomato Frog*

    What have you seen as part of a wedding ceremony that you liked, or found interesting?

    I knew a couple who were band people, and their ceremony was broken up by frequent instrumental interludes played by their friends. I thought it was a great way to structure their ceremony, because it was very much about the couple, and not about the fact that the couple had spent a lot of time Googling “stuff to include in your wedding ceremony.”

    Alison once suggested the couple walking down the aisle together, which I thank her for because my fiance and I are now going to do that. My sister and her husband walked down the aisle together, as well, though she came up with the idea independently. I’m surprised I don’t see that more often, especially in an age when couples have often been together a long time before they marry. I also like that it gets around the “This is all about the bride!” thing (though I will get misty-eyed regardless of what kind of entrance people choose to make).

    1. Anonyby*

      At the last wedding I went to, the couple had put it together based on picking and choosing meaningful traditions from around the world. They’re also theater folks, so when they got to the “any objections?” bit, one of their friends gave a loud and dramatic interjection (as had been planned), and was immediately shot down by the bride with a nerf gun she’d had hidden in her dress. It brought a nice touch of levity to a very emotional scene.

      1. Drew*

        The last wedding I went to, the officiant said, “If anyone here knows a reason why these two should not be joined in matrimony, tough. You had your chance.”

    2. AnonyMouse*

      Our vows were alternating lines — so it wasn’t really two separate vows, but one vow, with both of our voices. I wasn’t sure if that would be weird, going into it, but it ended up being magical. I was a little nervous and it steadied me to hear his voice between each line, and we purposely echoed the last few lines for emphasis.

    3. nep*

      A dear friend got married in a city park (as locals sat on benches and did their thing) and right after the ceremony, a few roving musicians started playing some great music and we all dance-walked our way around the park and to the reception at a restaurant up the street. It was fantastic.

    4. Bluebell*

      I recently went to a wedding where the guests were invited to come up and give a blessing to the couple as they put a hand on their back. This was done quietly and it seemed very sweet.

      Years ago I was a guest at a musical interlude wedding and admit I hated it. Part of it could be due to the fact that it was July and the space didn’t have ac. But it just didn’t flow very well and I wished the concert pieces could have been part of the reception.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      Instead of doing the unity candle or the sand thing, the couple poured dirt on a baby potted tree, to be taken home and planted at their house.

    6. Sibley*

      Things that have gone well:
      1. Wedding and reception are very clearly aligned with the bridge and groom’s personalities. They’re MUCH more comfortable, so everyone else is.
      2. Guest list well managed – excluded the people who are just going to cause problems (police or raging alcoholic problems), keeping to the people that the couple really wants and not who all the parents want.
      3. Good music, however that’s achieved.

      Things that have not gone well:
      1. Trying to do the “cool” or “trendy” thing, even though it really isn’t them.
      2. Bowing to family pressure to invite everyone and their grandmother, rather than the people they actually want there.
      3. Wedding parties that were ridiculously too large (# varies by the couple, but the shy people probably shouldn’t have a huge number)

      1. Rookie Manager*

        Yes! The best weddings I have been to are ones where it’s about the bride and groom; whether it is a fancy dress Halloween wedding or super religious do what you want.

        Also food wise, ensure there are choices but go with your favourite food and a great cater. Don’t feel resticted a traditional wedding breakfast if it isn’t your thing.

    7. Overeducated*

      The groom was a professional magician. He had a couple of his friends roving around the site before the ceremony and in between ceremony and reception, performing sleight of hand tricks. It was informal but fun.

      My sister in law is a classical singer, and she sang the two hymns at our wedding because she’s wonderful and my husband hates “making people sing.” At my mom’s request, one was the Lord’s Prayer in her family’s language, which is typically sung instead of spoken. It’s an obscure language here, but my sis in law actually found a native speaker to give pronunciation tips. There were lots of tears on my side of the aisle and even recently a friend mentioned it being beautiful.

      My mom also insisted we have a traditional line dance at the reception, so we did that instead of father/daughter etc dances and it was great fun. I also went to another wedding where almost the entire reception got involved in American style line dances, which was high energy for sure!

      I have been to multiple interfaith Jewish weddings where a sibling performed the ceremony because the couple couldn’t get a rabbi from their Conservative denominations. The lead up was tough on the couples because of the feeling of rejection but the ceremonies were incredibly personal and emotional because they were so close to the siblings.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        The story of your sister-in-law singing the Lord’s Prayer in your mom’s family language is touching and lovely.
        I’m not surprised there were damp eyes.

  42. Detective Amy Santiago*

    I had a very vivid dream last night about posting on the weekend open thread about how guilty I was feeling for having an affair with a married coworker. I used a different name and was paranoid that Alison would IP match and out my regular commenting identity and people who knew me in real life would figure out who I was.

    For the record, I have never had an affair with a married coworker!

    1. LaterKate*

      Hahaha! Those super-vivid dreams can be so disconcerting! Even knowing that is was just a dream, the feelings seem to linger for a bit.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Oh please. We all know that Jake is way more likely to have an affair with Terry than I am :)

      2. Chaordic One*

        Fergus will take this hard, although it really is his own fault.

        It’s always Fergus’s fault.

    3. TL -*

      I had a dream that a coworker was texting me that he had something to tell me and I knew it was that he “liked” me but then we argued about who was going to say it first and he finally said he *liked-liked* me.
      I saw him the next morning and was like, oh god how awkward, before I remembered it was only a dream.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        OH gosh, I’ve had naughty dreams about coworkers before and I always felt super awkward the next day.

  43. all aboard the anon train*

    So I’ve been trying to plan a long weekend vacation with friends and two of them are being really weird whenever I mention my budget. I told them at the start that I can’t spend $1,000 on flights and hotels for a weekend trip, because not only is that a lot of money, but it’s way more than I would normally spend for a weekend trip. I said for the hotel and flight, I could do around $500, but a max of $600 if it came to it. A lot of the airlines have flight for around or less than $100 one way to the cities we’re considering, and a decent three star hotel split between the three of us (plus another friend) would get us within this price range.

    But whenever I bring up the cost, I get told that one of them has a mortgage and the other has a child and they don’t have budget issues, and because I don’t have either, I shouldn’t have a problem either. It’s really starting to annoy me. They both have double income households. I don’t.

    I’m honestly at the point of withdrawing from the trip. I’m really tired of the idea that because I don’t have a house or a kid, I must be rolling in money. I’m not.

    1. Allypopx*

      That would drive me absolutely nuts, and probably spoil the joy of the trip for me to the point where I would withdraw, personally. No one should be second guessing your finances when you’re being very direct and clear.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        Yeah, I’ve already told them several times about my budget and sent hotels that would fit with all our standards and my price range, but they’re really stuck on the “I have more financial responsibilities than you!” mantra.

        I think it’s just taking me by surprise since we traveled together without this problem. But then again, that was before they were married with kids and houses.

        1. TL -*

          Honestly, I would tell them that whatever they think your budget should be, it is actually $1000 and you don’t want to talk about your finances any more than that. That’s rude and you can absolutely refuse to engage further.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Ew, yeah, I wouldn’t be planning a trip with people who couldn’t respect my budgetary constraints.

    3. CatCat*

      “I’ve told you my budget limit for flight and hotel. I’ve calculated that this would work with X, Y, and Z place on the following dates. Please let me know by ABC date if that works so we can get the ball rolling on booking.”

      If the balk at committing or complain about your budget. “It sounds like we’re not on the same page so I’m going to bow out, but I look forward to hearing about whatever trip you take!”

    4. Sunflower*

      I would cancel the trip at this point. I know people that do this and it is maybe the absolute most annoying, ridiculous thing in the world. How someone can EVER think they understand someone else’s financial situation or try to tell them how to spend their own money that they worked for just blows my mind. I could rant for probably the rest of my life over this so I will just say, I wouldn’t be surprised if the *whole* trip revolves around what you can and can’t spend and that doesn’t like it would be all that fun of a trip.

      I would consider ending the friendship. People like this are generally quite short sighted in many other parts of life.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        I said something similar in a comment above, but we used to travel together without these problems, and the financial comments only really started when they started getting married and having kids and buying houses. So I wonder if that had something to do with it.

        But yeah, we’ve been sort of drifting apart the more I think about it, so I think it might be time to either end the friendship or relegate it to a “meet up for dinner a couple times a year” friendship.

        1. Allypopx*

          That happens. You’re in different places now, things shift. But it’s always sad.

        2. Sunflower*

          At my last job, I made a little less than half of what I make now. When my friends complained about not having money, I wanted to shake them and say ‘you don’t know what poor is’. Now that I make more money, I’m like ‘dang I’m still poor, how did I ever make it work then?’. Your friends might be thinking ‘jeez this baby/house is so expensive. I had no idea how much money I used to have’. I’m sure they are good people and I think it’s natural to have those thoughts but it’s certainly not okay to tell someone they don’t know their own financial situation.

          I think there is also a natural change when someone has a baby/buys a house and someone else is not interested in that. I have a totally different close friend group now than I had 3 years ago and most of it is because of that. It sucks but it’s normal.

          Regardless of everything, I think it’s generally a bad idea to go away with people who have totally different budgets. Vacations are expensive and rare so I don’t blame people for having strict ideas of what they want to do/spend when they are away. If everyone can work it out so they can do what they’d like without others having to sacrifice things important to them, great! But that can be really difficult to work out.

          1. all aboard the anon train*

            I think where our problem lies is that we used to go away together with budgets that were similar, but those two friends both now have spouses who make a lot of money and so their financial status changed (one of my friend’s husbands literally makes triple what I make, and my salary is pretty decent for just me in a HCOL area).

            We haven’t been on a group vacation in awhile so the monetary issue hasn’t really come up, and I think it’s creating a stark division about where we are in our lives. I’m not scraping by, but I’m also not in the position to just throw away a grand on a weekend trip (I’d be more like to spend $1K on an international trip).

            Honestly, this thread has made me realized that maybe we all were just trying to do a trip like the old days and refusing to realize that things had changed and we’ve all grown apart. Ouch.

            1. Dan*

              No, I get it. I take a lot of international trips, where I drop like $3k for a three week trip… but I plan and budget for it. $1k for a weekend trip in the US seems asinine to me, and is actually a pretty big dent in my fun budget.

              1. all aboard the anon train*

                I just have a hard time justifying paying the same amount for a domestic weekend trip that I’ve paid for a flight + hotel overseas.

                I could maybe understand spending that much if it was somewhere like Vegas or Napa, but our shortlist list is Nashville, Austin, and Denver, and none of them seem like they should cost $1K for a weekend.

              2. neverjaunty*

                It’s not even whether the amount is objectively too much. When friends are saying that you’re wrong or lying for not wanting to spend that money, they’re not friends anymore.

              3. EA*

                Hi Dan- I know this is nosy, but you have talked about your travels before, and I’d love to hear about them more if you are willing or share. I’m planning a big trip for myself next year, and wanted to get ideas.

      2. paul*

        I can be a jerk, but I’d withdraw and explain why later too.

        Like, look. money’s an issue y’all. I can’t fathom casually dropping a grand plus for a weekend (I WISH) so maybe I’m biased, but it seems like they’re just being intentionally tacky at this point

    5. Aphrodite*

      If they are unable to respect your budget then I would suggest bowing out. They may want to spend that amount but to try to intimidate you into joining them is not polite. They have no say so over what you want to spend–and their pushing their opinions onto you is just plain rude and unacceptable.

    6. Turtlewings*

      “Hey, since you have unlimited money for this, then you can pay for me!!!

      No? You don’t want to do that?

      If I can’t spend your money, you can’t spend mine.”

    7. Undine*

      It also sounds like it wouldn’t be any fun to be on the trip, because you’re going to have the same argument about where to go to eat and a thousand other things. For them it may be more of a special splurge getaway, because travelling without family is a big deal. For you, it’s just an ordinary trip.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        They travel a few times a year without family, so I don’t think that’s the problem. The more I think about it, the more I believe it’s just come down to us being on different financial paths. I’d like to think I’m not a cheapskate (I’ll gladly splurge on things I like, but I can’t justify spending a couple hundred a night per person for a hotel room I’m just going to sleep in).

        But you’re right, based on my conversations with them, I think any trip would end up being miserable.

    8. Natalie*

      I’d withdraw. The budget differences isn’t the issue – the fact that they are being kind of dickish about it is, though. I just don’t see how the trip is going to end up fun.

    9. Kristen*

      I’d withdraw from the trip as well. $1000 for just a weekend is a lot to me and I live rent/mortgage free.

    10. Stellaaaaa*

      I see both sides of it – If I had saved up a lot of money for an awesome trip, I’d be annoyed to not get the nice room I wanted because of someone else’s budget. Just chalk it up to different travel styles and call it off.

      1. Zathras*

        This – I have friends I can travel with and friends that I can’t, and it doesn’t make the latter group bad people, we just want different things out of travel. I know many people really enjoy spending money on luxurious hotel rooms, for me that is a waste of money and I just want the cheapest option that is clean. But for them it’s not a waste, they enjoy it.

        It’s important to travel with friends who A) have priorities similar enough to your own that compromise is possible and B) are willing to make those compromises.

        Also what they said to you about not having a mortgage and whatever was rude and patronizing.

      2. neverjaunty*

        But there is a HUGE difference beteeen realizing you can’t all do the same type of vacation, and scolding someone because they “should” be spending up to your budget.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          This is one of those things that’s hard to parse. If I’m paying any part of a hotel room, I want it to be the room that I want. Anyone asking me to shell out hundreds of dollars should be wanting to be in the same hotel as me. Yes, should. Someone’s budgetary concerns don’t override the fact that it’s still my own money. Otherwise we’re not going to be traveling together. Either way, one person is paying hundreds of dollars on something they don’t want.

          1. Natalie*

            Right, but then the friends need to say “I don’t think this trip is going to work” rather than “you can’t possibly have a budget because you don’t have kids.” Their differing budgets isn’t the problem, the behavior around it is.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      “I get told that one of them has a mortgage and the other has a child and they don’t have budget issues, and because I don’t have either, I shouldn’t have a problem either.”

      This is how some adults talk to a child. The fact that they feel free to speak to you this way is actually a big problem. It appears that the friendship has eroded and respect is slipping out the door.

      Tell them it’s not cool to tell another adult what they can and cannot afford. You simply asked for a way to lower the costs, you did not ask for a lecture on finances.

    12. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      “I get told that one of them has a mortgage and the other has a child and they don’t have budget issues, and because I don’t have either, I shouldn’t have a problem either.”

      Unless the end of that sentence was “and we’re covering your costs so you shouldn’t worry about the money”, this would be a friendship ender for me. $1000 was an unfathomable cost for a weekend when I was single with no kids (but 3 dependents) and it’s still a ton of money for me now with a mortgage and a kid. I always take a step back from the people who think they can spend my money for me, that’s beyond rude and their assumptions are pretty … tacky? Something like that.

    13. EA*

      I think there are separate things going on here.

      First off 1,000 on a domestic weekend is insane, I travel internationally a lot and would never do that. Like I did 5 days in Mexico City for less than that.

      Second, they have different ‘travel values’ it seems like a lot of this cost is on an expensive hotel. I don’t spend much time in the hotel, so I go mid range. It sounds like that is what you would want to do. They also seem somewhat rude. I would bow out. If you go, it will probably get worse. What happens when they want to spend a lot of money on an expensive meal/show when you would be happy walking around and eating street food. Just because you can technically afford something does not mean you are obligated to.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        Exactly. I’ve spent $1K for an international trip, and that’s after budgeting to afford it, so for a domestic weekend it’s crazy. I’m in Boston and go to NY a lot and even $1K is a lot for such HCOL areas.

        Your comment, along with everyone else’s, is making me realize we do have different “travel values”. I’d rather pay more for a good meal or event than a super fancy hotel I’m just sleeping at. After talking with them last night and bowing out of the trip, I got the sense that they’re on the “vacations need to be expensive to be enjoyable” path, which is a far cry from our trips together years ago. Ah well.

        1. EA*

          At least it is resolved.

          I’m in Boston too!

          Sometimes I think we should have AAM Meetups.

  44. Jadyn*

    So, I haven’t been in a plane in 10 years and I know rules have changed. My flight will be completely within the USA. I know the rules about liquids and carry-ons but what about powders? I use baking soda for a few things; is TSA likely to think it’s an illegal substance?

    What else don’t I know that I don’t know? Any thoughts will be greatly appreciated!

    2. Trixie*

      I tend to take carryon only, so this is not specific to checked bag. If baking soda is an inexpensive as I think it is, can you just buy some when you land? Otherwise, I keep the small bottles with liquids separate in a zip lock bag and pull them out when I go through security screening. Saves soon much time and a good packing job.

      I like to wear sandals or something I can slip on/off for security.

      I bring an empty bottle through security which I can fill at the next water fountain.

    3. Sunflower*

      Double check the TSA list to see what counts as a liquid as some items are not so obvious. Gels, jams/jellys are considered liquids. Mascara, lip gloss and gel cap pills count and need to go in your liquid bag.

      I’ve brought baby powder on a plane and never had an issue. If you are worried, I would just take it out of your carry on and place it in the bin so if it needs to be inspected, the TSA agents can easily access it as opposed to have to search your entire bag for the issue.

      Bring an empty water bottle so you can fill up at the airport.

      1. fposte*

        Medications and medical stuff are exempted from the liquid limits, so I put the gel caps in a different bag (but then I have to take a bunch of exempted liquids).

      2. fposte*

        BTW, the TSA language is “liquid, aerosol, cream, gel, or paste.” That’s deliberately broad; I’ve never pulled my stick deodorant into my liquids bag, but it’s probably getting pretty close.

    4. KR*

      I would bring whatever it is in it’s original package, , preferably sealed so it’s obvious it’s not a secret bomb or whatever.

    5. LadyKelvin*

      I would also make sure it is in its original contair. TSA doesn’t really appreciate it when you travel with an unmarked bag of white powder. But they’ve checked our powders usually, especially the gateraide powder, which I was surprised at.

      1. zora*

        Also, you could just put the baking soda in your checked bag so you dont have to worry about it. Do you need it on the plane?

    6. zora*

      For going thru security:
      before I get in line:
      – make sure you have everything out of your pockets and in your bag. Sunglasses off and in your bag. And that any water bottle you have with you is empty
      – if you have long hair, don’t have anything metal holding it up. I just use an elastic, or pull it down so it’s not an issue. (if I’ve had my hair up in a bun sometimes they pull me over and ‘pat down’ my hair)

      – make sure that you have your liquids bag and computer easily accessible to pull out of your bag, and put into a bin

      – as soon as i get close enough i grab 2 of the big plastic bins. (2 if i have a laptop with me, 1 if not)
      – laptop has to be in its own bin with nothing on top or beneath it.
      – be prepared to take off your shoes and any outer layers: scarf, jacket, bulky cardigan and throw those in a bin ( i am always careful to wear shoes that don’t lace up–usually ankle boots w a zipper– and socks to make this part faster)

      Powders should be fine.
      also, be prepared for random checks. They sometimes pull a few people out of line for special checks like swabbing your hands for chemicals, etc. It’s not common, but be prepared for it so it doesn’t totally throw you if it happens. It usually takes like 2 minutes and you are on your way again, it’s really not a huge deal.

      But really, just be alert and patient and take your time. Listen for instructions, the TSA usually are telling people what to do, where to go, reminding you of things. If you listen, it will make things easier.

    7. Jadyn*

      I’m planning to just bring a carry-on (we’ll see how that goes when I get to the actual packing stage); so concerned about what I can/can’t bring.

      Thanks everyone for the very helpful replies! Knew I could count on the AAM commentators with lots of valuable experience!

  45. Aurion*

    As I get older (…ha) I find myself drawn more and more to genuinely warm, happy people.

    You know the phrase “smile lights up a room”? I thought that was just an expression, and then I met someone at an event who, well, really did light up a room. My impression of him was “oh, he’s cute” and then I saw him smile and went “*blink blink* …whoa”. I now actually believe there are people who just kind of…radiate sunshine.

    Those of you who know what I’m talking about, what do you think is the secret of those people? Far as I can tell, my singular data point wasn’t super chipper or bubbly either, just…warm.

    1. Kristen*

      I think a friendly person with nice, expressive eyes and a nice smile is most likely to radiate sunshine.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      I think charisma is a real thing, for better or worse (sometimes bad people get away with a lot of bad crap because they’re charismatic).

    4. Victoria, Please*

      My husband. The room lights up. It’s why I wanted to marry him and I still feel so lucky that I could!

  46. katamia*

    I’m moving sometime next year (probably between April and August, unless I get into the one fall 2017 grad school program I’m applying to) after currently living with my parents (out of financial necessity, not choice) and out of an area I like okay but that I’m really sick of, but it feels like I just. can’t. wait. any longer. I’ve been frustrated with my living situation for so long that another 11-15 months here is too much. Anyone have any advice on how to make this easier? “I want to be out” is pretty much all I can think about every day.

    (There’s no abuse or danger, just we all have very different personalities and ways we prefer to live, plus my mother is recovering from surgery [and will be for several more months], so my father and I have had to do a lot of caregiving for her, and neither one of us has the right personality for caregiving.)

    1. Overeducated*

      Could you plan out short breaks to spend time plotting and anticipating, like weekend trips to see friends or day trips to interesting places? I find having something near term to look forward to helps with feeling stuck.

  47. KR*

    Dear AAM, today I discovered my dog can reach his tail to chew it raw even with his cone on.

    2. Sibley*

      That is some impressive flexibility. I’m sure your vet can recommend something.

    3. Lison*

      Back in the day my aunt’s dog had a cut on his leg and the cone collar just didn’t work, his nose was too long and he could just get at it so it wasn’t healing. They ended up improvising with a plastic bucket. Cut out the bottom of it, removed the handle and cut holes that they could thread a collar though. Only had it on him when they were not there to supervise him not opening up the wound again. And it worked.

  48. Gaia*

    Today feels like the worst day of my life.

    I brought my dog Ludo home 9 years 3 months and 18 days ago when he was just 10 weeks old. Every day, in every single way, he was my best friend. And today I had to say goodbye for the last time. I know it was the right decision. He was in such pain and his liver was failing. But it hurt so bad to come home to an empty apartment with all of his things here and not see his face look up from his spot on the couch.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, Gaia, I’m so sorry. That is a very special pain. You took care of him beautifully even when it was hard to do so; he couldn’t ask for more.

    2. FDCA In Canada*

      Losing pets is so awful, but it sounds like you were doing a wonderful thing for him. He was lucky to have a wonderful owner, as luck as you were to have a lovely friend.

    3. Rebecca*

      I’m so sorry, losing a pet friend is always painful. I try to view it as I did the best I could for my furry friend, they’re not suffering any longer, and they knew I loved them. Hugs and wishes for healing for you.

    6. AnonyMouse*

      Gaia! So sorry to hear this. He was lucky to have you taking care of him and being his friend his whole life.

    7. LCL*

      Oh, hugs to you. Last time this happened to me I boxed up all her things and put them in another room where I wouldn’t have to see them every day. I sorted them a year later when we got a new buddy.

      1. Gaia*

        I think I’ll probably do that soon. I don’t think I’ll get another dog – I never planned on having Ludo – but I want to donate what I can to a local rescue so the things he loved can be loved again.

        Right now though, I cannot bring myself to move anything. All his toys are where he left them and that, weirdly, gives me some comfort.

    9. MicroManagered*

      I am so sorry for your loss. In some ways, our relationships with our fur-friends can be the most uncomplicated and rewarding ones in our lives.

      I’m fairly secular, but I find it helpful to imagine my pet has “gone to live in my heart.” Thinking that way has helped me to make peace with my waking memories as well as any dreams that come.

      I hope you’re able to find comfort in pleasant memories of your pup.

      1. Gaia*

        My relationship with him was by far the least complicated. That said, when I came home from the vet all I wanted to do was sit on the floor and hold him while I cried because that is what I always did when I was sad. And I can’t and that was really hard.

        Weirdly, eating dinner was the hardest thing so far. For over 9 years I’ve shared every meal I’ve had at home with him (or at least his careful gaze).

        1. Lison*

          I had to do the same last year for my constant companion for similar reasons and I messed up his medicine that then made things worse and speeded up the decision having to be made. Things got really bad when i was at my parents house so I missed a few days of work (4 hour travel between where I live and work and my parents place) and when I had done what had to be done and went back to the house we had shared for 7 years together (we lived with others before that i had him for 10 years) and walked into the kitchen with his bed I broke down. I cried in a way I had seen in movies and thought was over dramatic and no one ever cried like that. But i did. Im so sorry for your loss. I have new dog now, he’s not old dog, he’s very different but it helps. He will never be old dog but he is growing into being an exceptional dog of his own. Take care and do what’s best for you.

          1. Gaia*

            I’m sorry you lost your dog. I always knew this would happen one day. And I always knew it would hurt. I thought I knew how bad it would hurt but I had no damn idea. The decision was made very quickly and I know he is better now that he doesn’t hurt but I cannot seem to wrap my mind around my world right now. Everything is different now.

    10. Gaia*

      Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. It has been weird and hard and it is only just beginning. I love him so much and I just hope that in the end he knew how much I loved him and I just try to remember that he doesn’t hurt anymore.

    11. mreasy*

      I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a pet family member is one of the hardest things.

    13. This Daydreamer*

      I am so, so sorry. “The right decision” always feels like very cold comfort even though it’s completely true.

  49. BRR*

    My best friend who lives on the other side of the country is having a baby and another friend who also lives far away tossed out the idea of doing something. We can’t travel there but a “baby shower in a box” idea was brought up except we don’t know how to actually do that. Any thoughts on a long distance baby shower? Something more than just gifts.

    1. LaterKate*

      For just the three of you? What about face timing or skyping each other and sharing the same meal, opening gifts, each having a cupcake, etc. I’m picturing saying “ok, everyone order a pizza and pick up a cupcake, and be on the video chat at X time”. And you’ve sent your gifts in advance, and the mother to be can open them during. You could even do a paper invitation and mail it (and it would be inexpensive since it’s only the three of you).
      Others may have better ideas, or I may be totally misunderstanding, so ignore if this is not what you were looking for!

    2. caledonia*

      Think party in a box. Have some glitter/confetti/a streamer or bunting to decorate the box (like you would a room). Include stuff for the parents to be as well. An appointment to Skype/however you usually contact each other so you can be “there” when the gifts are opened or just afterwards.

    3. Jessica*

      My friends threw me a baby shower in a box! They sent out “invitations” to my friends with some note cards inside. They asked them to fill out the note cards with advice or funny thoughts, and send a small “pampering” gift as well. One of my friends collected everything and taped all the notes to newborn size diapers. She then sent me a big box filled with the notes/diapers, small gifts, and some baby-themed plates and balloons. They also ordered a small cake that my husband picked up from the bakery in town. It was super sweet!
      One caveat: I hope that none of my friends felt like it was just a “gift grab” — I know normally at a shower you’d get like, cake and social time, whereas this was more just getting warm fuzzies from participating. I did only give my friends a list of my closest friends to “invite.” I also moved cross-country while pregnant, so the idea of a long-distance baby shower made more sense because I moved away too early for a baby shower in our old place, but didn’t know anyone yet in our new town.
      Overall, it was a really nice way to feel supported while getting ready for the baby!

    4. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      I had a long distance not-shower where my friends contributed photos of themselves / us together and memories of our time meeting or being friends, etc and it all went into a binder. I hate being the center of attention so that was a nice way to bask in their thoughts while not having to be in front of a group.

  50. Aurion*

    So I fractured my finger a week ago. It wasn’t a bad break, all things considered; my doc just told me to buddy-tape it (it’s stable enough to not need a splint or cast). It doesn’t hurt that badly, but losing use of two fingers is driving me up the wall. Everything takes five times longer if I can do it at all; daily life is very frustrating right now.

    My lifting will take a huge step back once I’m cleared to bear weight, and I probably won’t play volleyball until autumn (I can control how much weight I lift, I can’t control how hard the opposing team hits the ball…probably safer to wait). Between the frustrations of daily life and the prospect of losing the two sports I really enjoy for a while, I’m feeling very, very low. Anyone have any tips on getting through this?

    1. LCL*

      Hit the park instead of the gym.
      And, pick up a splint and some tape at the drugstore if there is any chance you will be doing any real world lifting-moving house, moving furniture. It’s for protection.

  51. Tau*

    (Hope this doesn’t qualify as work-related?)

    I want to give a shout-out to all professional translators out there because my god, your job is hard. I’ve volunteered to translate a speech for my cousin’s bilingual wedding and wow, you would not believe I speak both these languages fluently. The person giving the speech is an excellent writer, which only makes it harder – I’d really like to keep the wit and flow if I can, but I’m spending most of my time in the dictionary trying to figure out how to keep the connotations of a given word choice or what exactly one relatively unusual word means in this context. And you guys do this for a living…

    If I mysteriously vanish from the comments section come June, I’ve probably received my due punishment for mangling this thing.

    1. nep*

      Wishing you best of luck. Great that you’re doing that. Indeed interpreting and translating must be quite intense work. Whenever I’ve been to conferences where there was interpretation, I’ve made the point of greeting and thanking the interpreters.
      Let us know how it goes.

    2. ..Kat..*

      I am a pediatric critical care nurse. I work with medical translators on a regular basis. These people are wonderful! They come to the hospital bedside to assist us with incredibly difficult conversations with families. Conversations about horrible illnesses, intense treatments with awful side effects, and dying. I worry about how they cope – do they have good support systems? Do they know how to take care of themselves gently when they get home? They do so much good in helping patients and families understand what is going on when things are going horribly wrong. Helping these patients and families know what we are doing for them, what their options are, what to expect. Helping us hospital workers to understand how best to care for them. These translators are the best. They do so much good! I cannot express how wonderful they are and how much good they do!

    3. Cambridge Comma*

      It’s a switch in your brain that flips with sufficient practice. It feels like at some point there is a connection available to you between the two languages that wasn’t there before.
      You might find that you’ve gone a way to building it through this exercise! Good luck!
      If it’s English and German, posting questions on the Leo forums can be a big help.

    4. miki*

      As someone who got roped in to translate/interpret from my native language to English (and vice-versa) when a president of a country had a hour long speech with Q and A followed by panel discussion at the University I was/am working at I do appreciate your sentiments.
      I was disturbed to find out that he let his profesional translator have a day off in exchange of any person with my native language knowledge and that 2! professors of my native language /working at this same university/ flat out refused this gig which left me scrambling (no notes, nothing, just : you’ll do well, I am sure you will). Fun times. (sarcasm)

  52. Red*

    A couple weeks ago, my ceiling in the bathroom of my apartment had a leak. It took a few days for them to finish the “repair”, which consisted of fresh paint and a lower ceiling over the tub. It leaked again a couple days ago, so they came in and fixed the paint and told us all of this is because the lady in the unit above us took a bath and let the water go over the overflow thingy, which apparently means that the water becomes our problem. I do not know if they fixed that and if this problem will come back, but it’s really frustrating. Is there anything (besides moving, which is Not An Option) that can be done about this?

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      Make sure the landlord understands the details of the situation – that your upstairs neighbor has caused damage to another apartment twice now. State outright that you don’t want to lose your deposit because the leaks aren’t your fault. Your landlord should reach out to her.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I could be mistaken but I think that overflow should be piped right to the drain pipe. It should not be going into the walls. Maybe the plumber could explain this to your landlord?

      1. Red*

        Nope, that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be! The landlord should know that, seeing as all the maintenance people they send in work for them, and they obviously know because they explained it to me. Lord only knows why that’s not actually how it is…

  53. zora*

    Is it ever ‘too late’ to have the relationship conversation??

    My boyfriend and I will be at 2 years together in July. We hit it off literally from our first date, and it’s been 99% amazing. The one issue: he’s not great at talking about awkward things. He has a tinge of social awkwardness and his first reaction is to kind of run away, and it takes him a while to get used to the idea and come around.

    It took me like 4 months to bring up whether we were “boyfriend/girlfriend” and long story short, he freaked out at first, but an hour later we confirmed we were and it was so sweet and everything was okay. BUT, I was kind of traumatized by that and I have continually put off starting the “Define The Relationship” conversation and the longer I wait the more weird it is, and the more I don’t know how to bring it up!

    Is it just too late now to even start this conversation? If it’s not, how on earth do I start it without it sounding ridiculous? I definitely feel like I have to give him a heads up so he can get used to the idea and not just spring it on him, but I feel so weird about it, I literally can’t come up with words. Scripts anyone? Reassurance? Advice?

    1. paul*

      The longer it last without resolving what your goals are, the more important it is to have that talk.

      1. zora*

        ugh, you are so right! but I feel so weird about how long it’s been, I feel paralyzed. gah!

      2. zora*

        Like, from hints and context clues, I’m 95% sure that we are both in this for the long haul, and that our goals and visions of the future are pretty darn close to identical.

        But then when I try to get the courage to start the convo, jerk-brain kicks in saying “what if I’ve read this thing all wrong, and by bringing this up I’ll find out that we are totally incompatible and he dumps me and life sucks?!?!?”

        And on top of all of this, every time I decide: “Okay, I’m sucking it up and doing it this week” life intrudes with crazy circumstances (like legitimately huge things) and that makes me worry the universe is trying to tell me not to rock the boat. Blerg. Anyway, sorry everyone for the long novel of rantiness.

        1. fposte*

          If you find out you’re totally incompatible and he dumps you, then you’re not wasting years of your life being with somebody who wishes you weren’t there. That seems like something worth avoiding to me. He’s not going to go from being happy you’re there to wishing you were gone just from your asking a question about your relationship. From your description of the guy, he may, once he’s over the awkwardness, be glad you took the initiative in bringing the topic up.

          You can think about ways to do it. Is he more comfortable texting? Sit in a room together (or the room next door) and text back and forth. Is this a talk to have on a walk or a bike ride rather than staring deeply into each other’s eyes? Maybe that question would be a way to alert him, since it sounds like he responds better with a little prep. “I’d like to have a serious but hopefully good conversation this weekend–do you want to do it while we’re out hiking, or would you rather do it at home?”

          1. zora*

            sigh, i know you’re right about the first part, but it’s so hard to remind myself that and believe it!

            I LOVE your suggestion! I’ve been thinking about both *how* to have the conversation and how to give him a headsup, and putting them together in one question is a good way to start the ball rolling. Thank you!

        2. neverjaunty*

          Think very hard about how long-term a relationship is likely to be when “awkward” conversations are this paralyzing.

          1. zora*

            hmm, that seems like quite a jump to that conclusion. As others have shown in this thread, there are sometimes specific things that people have a hard time with, even in very strong, committed relationships.

            And in that very short sentence I wrote I mean that figuring out the words to use to start the conversation is what feels paralyzing, and that has a lot more to do with me than him.

    2. AnonyMouse*

      Definitely better later than never! If he hasn’t brought it up, I’m not sure if he’ll find it weird that you haven’t brought it up so far/not sure he’s wondering why it hasn’t come up yet. Plus, if you guys are staying together for the long haul, you want to start practising having awkward conversations, because they are part of being in a relationship. So even if it is awful and awkward and you/boyfriend need to go and hide under a blanket fort afterwards to recover, just remember it’s GOOD to have this conversation and GOOD to practise having hard conversations.

      Not sure what your bf is like, so some random ideas here-
      – If he freezes up when he feels put on the spot, but generally nurturing of you, can you frame it as something he does to help you? Something like, “now that we’ve been together for two years, I’ve been wanting to talk about XYZ, and it’s making me a little anxious, so it’d help me if we can talk about this together so I can stop worrying about it.”
      – Mr. AnonyMouse isn’t as in touch with his feelings as I am, so while he isn’t awkward/doesn’t run from this sort of conversation, he tends to have nothing to say in response. I’ve learned to just wait, really patiently, while he thinks, and gently prompt him: “What are you thinking about?” (WAIT. Don’t try to fill the silence. Keep my hand in his so he knows that I’m not pressuring him, or sometimes I have my head on his shoulder- the physical contact seems to help indicate we’re in this together. “What’s on your mind?” “I don’t know.” “That’s okay, I care about what your opinion so when you know, let me know.” More sitting in silence…)
      – Sometimes we start a conversation and table it until later. I recently brought up a pretty difficult topic, and after a while, he said, “I think this is important, but think I need to think about this more before I have an answer” and I said, “okay, then can you be responsible for finding a time to continue the conversation, so I don’t feel like I’m nagging you?” and he said okay. So, hopefully he’ll follow up soon, but I’m okay with giving him time and space to compose what he thinks, so he feels less on the spot.

      Anyway, if all of the above aren’t helpful, just ditch them and take my encouragement!

      1. zora*

        Omg, all of this is so insanely helpful! Mr. AnonyMouse and my guy sound very similar, actually, he needs time to think, too. I think all of these things are perfect, I’m going to save all of this. I never would have thought of these.

        Now I wish I had posted this sooner, I should have known people here would have great advice for awkward conversations!

      1. zora*

        Yes, I really want to do that, but I’ve been struggling with how to give him a heads up and how to say it. :o\

        1. AnonyMouse*

          Not sure what your bf is like. If someone told me, “Can we have a conversation later this week?” I would freak out and fret about it all week.
          If you go this route, perhaps include 1) a general summary of topics, 2) some questions you have for him to think about and (if you think helpful) 3) reassurance that this isn’t binding, that you want to just get the conversation started, and an open-ness to hearing how he wants to pursue the discussion – over email, in person, while driving around so you don’t have to look at each other, etc). Doesn’t need to be long, but that sort of info would help me not be like, “WHAT IS THIS ABOUT DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG???”

          1. zora*

            Yeah, I definitely wasn’t going to be vague. That would freak me out, too.

            I want to do it in a way that gives him time to think about it before we talk, because he usually needs some time to formulate his thoughts before he can start talking. As opposed to me, who thinks out loud and can ramble on for hours ;o)

            I like the idea of writing out some actual questions ahead of time! That would give him a few days to get some thoughts together. Thank you!

    4. Dan*

      Do you have to have “the talk”? I mean, you do if you want certain things out of it, and need to know if he’s on the same page. But if you just want the talk for the sake of it, I’d skip it. Why make things awkward for no reason?

      1. zora*

        yeah, we do, though. We’ve been together for a while, and we are both getting old fast. I think we need some explicit acknowledgement at some point that we both think this is ‘the one’ or at least for a long time. And we have had literally no discussion of opinions on marriage, kids, living together, etc. And i can just tell after this long that if he doesn’t bring these things up organically, I’m going to have to do it. But I’m not at a ‘just go with the flow and whatever’ place in my life any more, that was me for most of my 20s and 30s, but 40 is coming up fast.

      2. Thlayli*

        Why do you need to have the talk? If you’re nearly 40 then waiting to make a decision about kids IS making a decision.

        1. Thlayli*

          I meant that as a reply to dan explaining why you should have the talk. I realise it could be read a different way!

    5. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      I’m the one who hates having difficult conversations face to face in real time because I need time to react privately, process, and think. THEN respond.

      My solution is when I have something I have feelings about to discuss, it all goes into an email at the start of a work day and then my husband can respond by email or talk to me about it later, but it lets me present the awkward thing in full and in a composed way.

      If he springs something on me verbally then I might respond badly or I tell him I need some time to mull. Usually the latter is better. ;) But I like being told, hey, I’d like to talk to you this week about this (brief description) thing. Or just have smaller chunks of the topic so that you can kind of pull together the full conversation when you have some data: hey, what are your thoughts on kids / big houses / living on this coast / pets? Would you someday want (one of these at a time)?

      It breaks the ground on the bigger conversation.

      1. zora*

        This is all super helpful, too! Thank you, Revanche, for giving me some advice from the other side of this conversation, I’ve been trying to think of it from his perspective, so this is a huge help!

  54. Elizabeth West*

    Anybody watching Eurovision?!?!?! I am!!

    I’m trapped on the sofa until this is over–can’t mirror on the TV from Win 7. I may starve, LOL.

    Be back later!

      1. Perpetua*

        Teehee, thank you! :D

        I’m disappointed by Portugal and Bulgaria placing so high so far.

        I really enjoyed Armenia, Sweden and Italy!

    4. BRR*

      I am. Am I missing something with Portugal?

      Also graham norton’s tweets are on point as always.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I liked Cyprus’s song best but I also really liked Portugal’s. I didn’t think it would win, though–I expected something a little more production-heavy would take it. But I’m glad for Portugal. :)

    6. Spring Flowers*

      What TV station airs it? (We probably don’t live in the same region but if you can give me the station name – ABC, NBC, MTV etc – then maybe I can find it here.). Thanks!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        For next year:
        Logo TV (might be on cable) or you can watch it on their website. I will try to post closer to next year’s again with links, or you can google it next April (it happens in early May but stuff starts appearing online then). Also, the Eurovision YouTube channel posts the videos of the songs. If you want to listen to this year’s, it’s here https://www.youtube.com/user/eurovision

  55. Rebecca*

    Facebook question (second post, hope that is OK).

    Has anyone else been having problems with Facebook on their desktop computer? It’s a Windows 10 Dell Desktop, and I use Chrome and Firefox as browsers. For the past few months, I’ve had the following issues in both browsers: Facebook notification red numbers appear, but when I click on them, nothing happens. A blank box pops up and the little spinning thing just goes and goes…same with messages. Same deal with my feed, maybe a few posts will show, then nothing else – can’t scroll, can’t “see more”, even if the “see more” button appears. Most of the time I can’t load a picture, it’s hit and miss. I’m using the browser to load Facebook, not an app, and for some reason it works perfectly on my phone that uses the home WiFi, so I don’t think it’s the internet itself.

    I suppose I could download a Facebook app, since it’s Windows 10, but it’s a desktop computer, not a tablet or phone, so that seems silly.

    Anyone else having any of these issues?

    1. katamia*

      That happens to me in Firefox sometimes. Firefox in general seems to have issues with a lot of infinite-scrolling sites (Facebook, Twitter, etc.). I don’t use Chrome consistently enough to say why it might be happening on there, though.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I’m not sure what the fix is, but I can certainly help you diagnose the issue.

      One quick thing to try would be to create a new account on your Dell computer (so if you already have a login called Rebecca, create a new user called testuser and log in as that). Launch up Firefox and Chrome in this new testuser account and see if you get the same behavior. If not, there’s something wrong with your user profile in Windows, and you can clear out your Firefox and Chrome profiles in C:\Users\Rebecca\AppData (AppData is a hidden directory).

      If even the new test user experiences the same thing, it could be something weird going on with your computer… either you need to reinstall both Firefox and Chrome (seems unlikely both browsers would misbehave in exactly the same way in two separate Windows accounts), or… who knows? But I’d do the first test first. A good second test, which is a lot more involved, would be to boot a free Linux live CD (e.g., Ubuntu) on your computer to see if the same thing happens in Linux.

  56. RL*

    Recently, it seems like there have been a decent number of people in the comments who have been giving online dating a try. Which sites/apps have you been trying? How did you decide where to go first?

    1. katamia*

      I use OKCupid because it’s free and doesn’t require any syncing with Facebook. I haven’t had great success with it, but then I haven’t consistently put a lot of work into trying to have great success with it, either, and a friend who dates a lot more intensely than I do has told me that, at least in her area, the people on OKCupid are about the same caliber of people she’s met through Eharmony or Match or whichever paying sites she said she’d tried.

      I haven’t had no luck, though, either. No lifelong companions (though I’m on the fence about whether I even want one of those at all), but I’ve met some interesting people and had some good conversation.

    2. Natalie*

      My experience is possibly outdated as it’s been 3 years and internet stuff can move fast, but I used Tinder and OKCupid. I enjoyed the experience overall but preferred OKC.

      I used it as “online introduction service” as the city I’m in is sort of notorious for being a hard place to talk to strangers. I got some hilariously bad messages, went on some good dates and some dull dates, and eventually met a good guy that I married. So I endorse it.

    3. all aboard the anon train*

      I did a couple dating apps, but I liked Coffee Meets Bagel the best. I created a bare bones facebook profile (literally just my name, location, and no pictures) to sign up for the app.

      It gave me a higher caliber of people than OKCupid, and I think that’s because they match you based on several different things, including education. What I liked about CMB and similar apps is that you don’t receive or send messages unless you both are interested. So it was a nice reprieve from the endless crap I received on OKC.

      I met a lot of people I liked, but we were better off as friends than romantic partners. I don’t know what your sexuality is, my biggest complaint is that a lot of the apps are heteronormative. I used CMB the longest, so I can’t speak to Bumble or any of the others, but for a long time it was only het or homo choices, and as a bi woman it was pretty frustrating. I emailed them asking about letting me be matched with men and women, and was told I “had to pick one, and could switch to the other gender whenever I wanted”. They eventually made it so you could choose to be matched with both, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth. When I left all the apps, I did wish they had a sexuality option in the profile or search fields. I’m not sure if that’s changed since I last used them.

    4. Dan*

      TBH, getting yourself out there is the important part. OLD isn’t bad just because you didn’t meet a spouse there. IMHO, if you’re getting decent or even good dates from OLD, you’ve had a good experience regardless.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I tried the free stuff–Plenty of Fish, OKCupid, Geek2Geek–and got nowhere. Then I paid for six months of Match.com and only got super old men looking for a caretaker and one 22-year-old whose entire conversation consisted of “S’up?”

      I have given up on the online dating thing. I don’t meet anyone through friends; I tried going to church; I tried doing things I’m interested in. I’ve made some casual friends but no romantic connections. If my true love exists, he ain’t here. I need to leave. :(

  57. Louise*

    Is anyone in a military relationship? Any tips?

    My boyfriend is a naval officer who has just deployed to sea for the first time, and I’m struggling with the lack of contact. :( It’s not so much the long distance which gets me (I’m working abroad at the moment, so we’re used to not seeing each other for ~4-6 weeks) – rather the fact that he’s not at the other end of the phone/FB when I need a virtual hug. Does it get better?

    1. KR*

      Ugh my devil dog is leaving for deployment in a week or two and I’m wondering the same thing. We’ve always been able to talk via phone or text, but he’s not going to have access to wifi or mail.

    2. FDCA In Canada*

      Oh hello! I’ve been married to a Canadian soldier for about 3 1/2 years now, and together for six. Short answer: Yes, it gets easier. Long answer: But it’s hard work.

      If yours isn’t available for easy contact, one thing that I haven’t personally done but I know people who have, is basically wrote a long-form journal to them. “Dear sweetheart, today I X Y and Z, it was so funny that blah, I miss you so much because blah blah,” whatever. Some entries can be long and heartfelt, some can be short and to-the-point, but just expressing yourself and knowing that it will get to him eventually, like when he gets back, can be a big help. Photos are also nice–I change my phone background and lockscreen to different photos of him or us together frequently, which makes me smile and think of him, even if I can’t use that phone to contact him right at that second. Plan some nice times for you together for when he gets back. Mine is currently deployed right now and I’m planning a lovely weekend for when he gets back, and a summer trip for us to visit family as well. And honestly, just keep yourself busy, because passing the time helps with the sad feelings and everything else. If you’re too busy to notice the time going by, you’re too busy to dwell on how sad you are.

      Best of luck! It’s hard and it’s not for everyone, but sometimes it can be very rewarding.

    3. The Expendable Redshirt*

      My parents were in the military. In my experience, it does not get better. But you do become more skilled at living with the deployment cycle.

    4. Thlayli*

      will he have wifi at any point? It helps if you can video call even once a week for 20 mins or so.

    5. Amanda*

      I have been an Air Force spouse for nearly 12 years now, and I find that deployments are always hard, but you develop solid coping strategies as you go along. Anything that makes you feel connected to him is good. We do a lot of physical letters, care packages going both ways. One deployment, I even recorded myself reading a book and sent it in batches so he would be able to listen to a bit every day. Keeping occupied is really important as well. During the deployments before we had kids, I signed up for a class nearly every night of the week. Also, make sure to give yourself time to adjust. It always takes me several weeks to find a new rhythm, but it does get there.

  58. Natalie*

    Back issues + Ehlers-Danos Syndrome

    I recall from various discussions here that there are some folks with EDS and some folks that have had back problems and sometimes surgery. And probably some with both.

    My spouse has been struggling with sciatica for a while, had some PT and is now getting a lot of X-rays and MRIs and such to pinpoint what’s going on. Coincidentally, he dislocated his shoulder recently and while being treated for that his orthopedist said they are fairly sure Spouse has EDS. He will need to see a geneticist to confirm but has pretty classic symptoms. (He’s dislocated that shoulder 3 times plus his knee and wrist once each, and has hyper mobility, stretchy skin, early onset osteoarthritis and some of the other side symptoms.) The sciatica is being caused by stenosis caused by the arthritis, so surgery may be in his future.

    So… yeah, I don’t know. I don’t really have a specific question, I’m just curious about people’s thoughts/experiences with these conditions. We’re both having lots of Feelings at the moment.

    1. fposte*

      Nothing on the EDS, but I had a minimally invasive laminectomy for stenosis, and it beats hell out of the way things were before the surgery. I don’t even know enough about my own spine to know if early stenosis indicates a likelihood for a return of overgrowth even following surgery, so that would be a question to ask, but I would consider surgery earlier rather than later if mobility and quality of life are getting impaired. (Looks like plenty of places in Minnesota do minimally invasive, though obviously there’s never a guarantee for a particular patient.)

      1. Natalie*

        If you don’t mind sharing, do you know the cause of your stenosis?

        Mobility and quality of life are both concerned. Spouse got an epidural of steroids yesterday, and we’re going to see how that goes as far as pain relief. But even if it works for a while he will probably need surgery at some point. How was your recovery?

        1. fposte*

          Nobody has attributed it to anything in particular–the general vibe from my doctor seems to be some people are just genetically predisposed (also have sucky discs) and I got lucky. I don’t have particularly notable-for-my-age osteo anywhere else (got some in my hands, which is unsurprising for decades of hard keyboarding, but even my cranky knees have been pretty clean) and no athletic history that would make it likelier.

          You can follow my recovery through the open AAM threads :-). It was slightly more complicated than most people’s, according to my surgeon, in that the first week was pretty good, and then the nerves got kicked up in the second week, and then I snagged something on a rough spot (which is still a problem sometimes) and had a really bad week the third week. I should note I lived alone the whole time, and it never got so bad I couldn’t take care of myself–but I did use crutches, cane, a shower stool, etc. after the surgery when things took their dip, and I slept in the floor for a while because the instability of a bed was a bit much (if I’d had the bed I have now, maybe I could have stayed in bed). Lyrica (still taking, like it, recommend inquiring about it) and patience got me back to better than I’d been in over a year in a couple of months from surgery and I kept getting gains for about a year. I had a temporary disabled parking pass for something like three months, and I really didn’t need it by the end (really even by the middle, but that’s because it’s not hard to park close around where I live).

          The other thing is that when the pain is diminished it’s a lot easier to figure out patterns to manage it, whereas when it’s bad you mostly just think “It all hurts, I’ll just never move again.” (See above in re: better bed.) So while it would have been nice if surgery had undone all the badness and it didn’t, it still gave me life and career options I wouldn’t have had otherwise, and I can’t imagine waiting any longer for it (when I got the stenosis diagnosis I immediately made an appointment with a likely minimally invasive surgeon and booked the surgery at the first visit, but I wish I’d pushed for an MRI months earlier).

    2. EDS Type 3*

      So yes. Recovering right now from a dislocated shoulder. I have dislocated my hips. I have lost and had replaced my ACL. I have torn ligaments in my wrists, ankles, knees, hips, shoulders, and arms. I’ve had a rib ligament tear when I sneezed. I have a team of medical professionals. PT , massage therapy, a pain clinic, an orthopedic clinician, a therapist who helps me with mediation and pacing and am in a cannabis trial. You name it, I’ve tried it. Bad news- because the symptoms of EDS are caused by connective tissue issues, it does feel like it is always something and hard to manage. There is no cure but there are “hacks” Back pain- prescription strength Naproxen in the form of Naprelan, occasional muscle relaxers if there are spasms, heating pads, hot baths, gentle pt. Surgery- be careful with any kind of procedure. It is well-known that EDS patients have issues with anesthesia and healing. The numbing products barely work at the dentist on me. Recovery time from procedures is not typical.

    3. misspiggy*

      That does sound like EDS or something similar (source: have it). Surgery on musculoskeletal stuff is generally a very bad idea with EDS, very much a last resort. This is because healing is problematic, and staples etc that might be put in can tear right through the tissue instead of holding it together.

      Diagnosis is a really good thing, however. Physical therapy specifically for EDS can work wonders, as can hydro. You have to strengthen your core a lot to reduce shoulder problems, and you have to start very small with therapy exercises as the muscles are also full of weak collagen and therefore get overstrained more easily, ruining all one’s progress while they recover. Splints and tape to hold everything together and improve proprioception help a lot by getting the muscles working in a less dislocatey way. So get a good occupational therapist and a good physiotherapist.

      Anti-inflammatories help; as do tissue-repair supplements like magnesium, Vit C and Vit D; reducing gluten and dairy; and learning to listen to one’s body and rest – a LOT. Life will get a lot better after diagnosis, I guarantee.

      1. Surgery*

        And if he has EDS & is considering back surgery, he needs to see a surgeon experienced in EDS. There are a lot of Facebook groups for EDS & your local area that can give recommendations of surgeons in your area. It is worth driving an hour or two (or even potentially traveling elsewhere) to have a good outcome- especially since back surgery for regular people doesn’t always help.

    4. Anon for this*

      I was diagnosed four years ago. My only advice is to stay in touch with doctors and seek support in real life. Online communities for people with EDS have seen a recent influx of Munchausen by Internet folks.

      Also, his doctor should be able to recommend exercise that’s safe for his medical history (including previous injuries). That’s really a lifesaver. Feeling like I couldn’t exercise at all – like I couldn’t enjoy things that everyone else my age could – was depressing, even if it kept me safe from injuries (and I had had more than 50 dislocations at that point). Using the ability that he does have is empowering.

  59. Amber Rose*

    Bread makers, I need your advice! We tried to make melon pan, a type of bun wrapped in cookie dough we fell in love with in Japan. But they were dense and crumbly and the cookie fell off. :(

    After it rises the first time, do I have to knead the air bubbles out? Husband added an extra gram of yeast by accident, is that a problem?

    1. Marzipan*

      I had never heard of it but now I’d like to give them a try! I’ll report back if I get anywhere…

      1. Marzipan*

        OK, I had a go and they are yummy! My thoughts on potential hazards:
        If the dough part is dry/dense, it could be because it wasn’t a wet enough dough, or because it didn’t get enough of a rise, or because it was cooked for longer than it needed.
        If it’s mainly the cookie part that’s the problem, cooking then very fast at a very high temperature may help. If you think about making actual cookies, in that context you want the dough to melt and spread a bit before it’s fully cooked. In this context, you want the dough to stay put, so cooking it quickly may help. The scoring is also a literal point of weakness in the surface of the cookie part, where if it wants to slump it has an easy place to do it, so while you practice you could try skipping that.

        I’ll post the recipe I used in another comment, in case it helps!

        2. Amber Rose*

          Oh wow, that was fast!
          Ok, I’ll Make note of these things and try again. A recipe would be good, I think the one I used was not great.

    2. Zathras*

      More yeast will make the bread rise faster, so if 1g was a big enough increase in the amount of yeast called for, it might have noticeably shortened the rising time. Did you time the rising or just check how much the bread rose? If it rose too much and then you punched it down / shaped it, it might not have risen as well during additional rises or baking, which could lead to a denser texture.

      Dense, crumbly bread could also indicate too much flour for the amount of liquid. Did you use exactly the amount of flour in the recipe? You almost always need to adjust – your flour is never going to be exactly like the flour of the person who wrote the recipe, it will absorb liquid a little differently. You nearly always want to start with less than they say, and add at least the last cup or so while kneading. Sometimes you don’t need all of it and sometimes you need a little more.

    3. lcsa99*

      Never heard of it so I looked up a recipe quickly. Sounds yummy!

      If the dough is too dense you probably didn’t let it rise long enough. It’s more important to pay attention to the actual size of the dough than the rise time, because so many things can make that time vary (amount and quality of yeast, temperature of water, room temp, humidity, etc) so just use the time as a starting point and add more, even double, if necesary. And by the way it’s always better to go with less yeast than more, as a longer rise time will help develop the flavor.

      The kneading is more about developing gluten then getting the bubbles out, so keep working it until it gets a good texture (whatever the recipe calls for)

      As for the cookie falling off, that could have something to do with the dough not being quite right or it could just be a thing with the recipe (like I am having problems with the sesame seeds staying on my homemade bagels. It’s just a fact of life). I think I’d be more inclined to do a thinner, bigger cookie layer so you could kind of tuck it under the roll, if that make sense. If the recipe calls for a second rise after shaping it, you can also try adding the cookie right before that rise, as it will help the two meld a little better (but keep in mind I’ve never made this type of bread, so not sure that would work.)

      Hope that helps! Just remember to have fun with it

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Another thought – flour type a potential problem? Do they use a different type of wheat or milling process in Japan?

      US flour I think has a very high gluten content (don’t quote me on this!) which I think impacts bread density. Like when you go to Europe and have an amazing pizza in Italy that you can’t recreate at home with American flour its because they are using a certain type of flour that is more stretchy.

  60. In IBS Hell*

    I recently got diagnosed with IBS – primary symptoms are nausea and horrible pain. I’m on a strict diet and feel like there are food landmines everywhere It took multiple doctor’s appointments, tests, scans, etc to get to this diagnosis, now I feel like it’s awkward to share the diagnosis with even my best friends — I wonder if they will think it’s not a big deal, or judge me, and I feel embarrassed to some degree. Wondering if any of you have encouragement, advice, have similar experiences?

    1. nep*

      Sorry you’re having to deal with this. Seems to me if someone is truly a friend, he / she would want to simply listen and be supportive in any way possible.

    2. Mischa*

      I have IBS, specifically IBS-D. Right after my diagnosis I could hardly eat anything and I was constantly in the restroom dealing with the aftermath. The pain was godawful. Thankfully my friends were extremely understanding and supportive — my family, on the other hand, could not (and frankly still do not) grasp that no, I could not eat certain things. Every case is different, but my IBS has greatly improved now that I know my triggers.

      Lastly, I would say that you do not need to make a big deal out of it. If a friend offers you something you cannot have, simply say “Oh, I am having some dietary issues and am avoiding X. Thanks, though!” It’s really natural to feel embarrassed about IBS because it has to do with gross bathroom stuff, but don’t. It simply is.

      If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! I was diagnosed about four years ago.

      1. In IBS Hell*

        What did you do about work? I am so stressed about how much time I’ve already taken off for appointments and it’s incredibly tiring fighting through nausea to function at work. And of course my doc says “and stress will make it worse, so don’t stress!” Ahhh.

        1. Mischa*

          I didn’t have nausea, but I would have very intense moments where I had to go the bathroom immediately or would have horrific abdominal pain. I would tell my boss, “hey, this is going on, so if I disappear for a little bit, that’s why.” Is giving your boss a quick heads up a possibility? And yes, do not stress! It really does make things a lot worse.

    3. Ann O.*

      IBS is pretty common from what I read. I have it and agree that there are food landmines everywhere. I have most of my trigger foods identified, but I will never forget the horrible night when I ate a kale Caesar salad because I didn’t know kale is a form of broccoli.

      I found this site to be helpful: http://www.helpforibs.com/news/ It looks scammy, but I thought the information was clear and helpful.

    5. Chaordic One*

      Stick to your diet.

      This may not apply to you, but a big part of my problems with IBS were due to food allergies, and unlike pollens and environmental allergies, they are not really very responsive to desensitization shots. After seeing an allergist, at least I know what to avoid.

      Since I had allergies to things found in most packaged foods, I had to start doing a lot of my own cooking (substituting ingredients for trigger foods) and I’ve really gotten quite good. Be very careful when ordering at restaurants because sometimes even the servers don’t the ingredients in their dishes.

      Some people just don’t get it and will think you’re doing it to get attention. Ignore them. They’re jerks.

    6. In IBS Hell*

      Thanks to all of you! Really appreciate the advice, links, words of encouragement. I am on the FODMAP diet now, it’s helping.

    7. Cordelia Longfellow*

      Last year I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, and about six months ago I was diagnosed with IBS as well. It is not fun! I’m fortunate that most of my family also has UC so they understand the issues. With friends, I’ve mostly stuck to, “Gut stuff! Too gross to talk about!” in a light-hearted tone. No one has ever pushed back or not believed me. If your friends make fun of you, that is Not Cool and I am giving them major side-eye.

      There is absolutely hope! It’s taken me about eighteen months from the onset of my symptoms, and about six months of the correct medication dosage, but I’ve gone from a restricted diet of eggs, rice and poultry to a more or less normal diet that avoids known trigger foods. One thing that’s really helped me with my IBS is a probiotic called Florastor. It’s expensive, but it’s been a godsend. It’s cheapest at Costco.

      Any friends worth their salt won’t give you grief over your health problems. Best of luck to you – it will get better!

  61. Anon just because*

    Rosacea advice, in particular in regards to lotions? I recently got diagnosed with mild rosacea and am taking a topical antibiotic but haven’t been taking it long enough to see if it works. I am having trouble finding a lotion that doesn’t make my face feel like it’s burning. I’ve tried cerave facial moisturizing lotion SPF 30 and cetaphil daily hydrating lotion SPF 15 and neither seem to work. I will try the CeraVe lotion without SPF that seems to be recommended but I was wondering if anyone had any other recommendations or tips?

    I’m also getting frustrated because in the past year I’ve gone from using dermae very clear moisturizer to using Neutragena sensitive skin lotion and neither work any more. In the past month I’ve spent over $150 on lotions and medication and it’s getting frustrating, especially since nothing’s helped and I’m left looking like I’m sunburned or have had one too many drinks all the time. (I’m sure this is more noticeable to me than anyone else). I don’t wear makeup so it’s not like I can stop doing that to see if things improve. I’m also young to get Rosacea (under 30) and I always liked my skin so I’m also getting frustrated that I don’t have that anymore. I know this is a minor chronic condition, but at starting to get me down since it’s affecting what I consider to be an important part of my appearance and the 2 lotion brands that are supposed to be awesome aren’t working for me. Any tips on dealing with these feelings?

    1. LCL*

      With my never fully diagnosed skin issues (rosacea plus allergies plus?) I just never used lotion and I am a lot happier.

      I read that sometimes irritation is caused by the microscopic mites that we all have on our skin. So I started using a small dab of T-gel (coal tar shampoo) on my face when I shower and the rosacea is mostly gone. I use a really small dab, like smaller than a pea.

      1. Anon just because*

        The NP who diagnosed me with rosacea told me it’s because of mites.
        Thanks for the idea – do you use the Neutrogena T-gel shampoo?

        1. LCL*

          Yep. Actually the boyfriend has it and I just steal it from him. I put a bit on my hands and spread it without lathering onto my face, let it sit for a minute and rinse it off. Unfortunately I found this out late in life so the skin damage was already done.

    2. Aurion*

      How good is your face at handling oils? High linoleic acid and linolenic oils are supposed to reduce inflammation (and a lot of them have additional polyphenols and anti-oxidants that further help your skin). Grapeseed oil and borage oil are pretty well-tolerated, and grapeseed in particular is cheap, light/thin, feels drier on the skin, and doesn’t really smell like anything (I don’t particularly like the smell of borage oil). They go rancid pretty quickly, but I put mine in a amber glass dropper bottle and put the rest in the fridge.

      1. Anon just because*

        Thanks – I’m not sure how my face would react. I had mild acne growing up but it’s basically gone now and I don’t think my skin has been too oily in recent years – or at least no oil that can’t be explained by occasional poor food choices.
        Where would you buy grapeseed oil? I just moved to a new and much bigger city so I don’t know where any of the specialty stores are.

        1. Aurion*

          I pick up mine at local specialty stores (catering to soapmaking and natural skincare enthusiasts) mostly because I can pick up small portions since grapeseed oil does go bad pretty quickly. However, most grocery stores should stock grapeseed oil on their shelves; the only problem is that you have to buy 500 mL or so at a time (and you usually use about 5-7 drops per application). That said, if you find it doesn’t work for you, you can always cook with it; $5-7 bucks isn’t too bad for an experiment. And storing it in the fridge does go a long way towards slowly the rancidity process.

          I blend mine with a few other oils, but if you already have a moisturizer you like you can just add a few drops to your moisturizer. Grapeseed oil on its own may be a little too astringent/dry, but it really depends on your skin.

      2. Anon just because*

        Where do you buy grapeseed oil? I just moved to a new and bigger town so I don’t know local speciality stores yet.

    3. Merci Dee*

      I have rosacea and sensitive skin. My favorite facial lotion is Burt’s Bees Intense Hydration Treatment Mask. It’s got clary sage, so it’s quite soothing and doesn’t irritate. $18 for either 3 or 4 ounces. It won’t do anything for the flushed coloration, but it will keep it from getting worse due to irritation.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’ve had good luck with First Aid Beauty’s Ultra Repair Cream. It’s available at Sephora and Ulta.

    5. Anxa*

      If you have insurance and you already have the diagnosis on your records, can you try getting an OTC prescription?

      I have medicaid now and every quarter I get $15 to spend at the drug store with an Rx. Previous insurance would prescribe CeraVe once. I wish I could have had sunblock covered, as I definitely skimp because it’s insanely expensive to keep up with.

      I have rosacea, too, but my skin seems less reactive. I mean it turns red, but I can wear CeraVe now without much discomfort at all. I think I needed to just get used to it? Unfortunately, I don’t like a lot of the filler ingredients in most lotions, since its hard to tell what’s causing the reaction. Many ‘natural’ ones, though, have citrus or botanicals which are irritating. Why put vitamin C as a preservative for sensitive skin formula lotion?

      I liked Alba Sensitive in the purple font even though it smelled a little Play Doh like, but I hear they changed their formula.

      1. Anon just because*

        Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll try the Alba Sensitive and ask about the OTC prescription possibility. I think my main issue is that I’ve always been low maintenance so I’m used to buying a $15 lotion every 3/4 months, a $10 cleanser every 6 months and that’s it for things I put on my face, so I’m somewhat discontent/annoyed that I’ve spent >$100 in the past month on things that don’t work, and leave me still feeling self conscious about my appearance. (And, that’s more self conscious about my appearance then I’ve felt since 9th grade)

        1. Insurance*

          Most private insurance won’t pay for OTC products even with a prescription. But if you have a prescription for an OTC product, you can use your Medical Flexible Spending Account (FSA) to pay for it – if you have an FSA account.

          If you have high medical expenseschool, then you can slow use the prescription OTC products towards your income tax deduction for medical expenses (but only if you did not pay for them using a FSA account).

    6. NicoleK*

      I use the Neutrogena Oil Free Moisture for Sensitive Skin (disregard my post if you’ve tried this already, Neutrogena has many products and I couldn’t tell from your post if this is the one you’ve tried). To save money, I tried the Equate (Wal-Mart) and the Target brand facial lotion for sensitive skin but they made my face burn.

      1. Anon just because*

        Thanks, but that was the one I was using. I was pretty disappointed when I realized it wasn’t working because I had just bought some and had to toss it out (I hate waste, and recently moved)

    7. HannahS*

      I’m also a young rosacea person! I use a prescription cream called Rosiver. It’s pretty darn amazing. It’s not cheap, but it’s definitely cheaper than using expensive creams. I use it, plain sunscreen, and Spectrojel soap and moisturizer.

      1. Anon just because*

        Thanks, I’ll definitely ask my NP about it if nothing else looks like its working. I don’t have an issue with buying something pricey if it works, it’s more the buying many somewhat pricey things that don’t work that stresses me out (especially as I’m generally a low-maintenance gal in regards to skincare and beauty products, buying these lotions and medications is starting to kill my medical and beauty products budget)

        1. HannahS*

          Haha I’m pretty similar. Adding a step to my evening routine (literally just putting on Rosiver, in addition to washing my face) had me dragging my feet and melodramatically throwing my hands up in the mirror “WHY IS BEAUTY SO HARD” but yeah, I felt like when my derm gave me a sample I felt like I saw a difference the next morning.

    8. Cambridge Comma*

      My dermatologist prescribes a cream and cleansing milk that the chemist mixes from scratch . It’s a very basic mixture with zero preservatives. I never found a prepackaged cream that was anywhere near as effective.

  62. Mischa*

    tdlr: Any runners out there? Particularly anyone who has used running to lose weight?

    I am about forty pounds overweight. It’s not negatively impacting my health at this point, but I am certainly unhappy with my appearance. I’ve never been athletic or sporty (I used to regularly cry during gym class) but I really want to find a sport I love and to be healthier in general. I’ve been running since October (intervals, usually two to three times a week). I haven’t been able to progress to running continuously, nor have I lost more than ten pounds — it’s like my inner voice is just whispering, “naaaah, it’s easier being pudgy, just be pudgy.” Also, I have a hard time motivating myself to just go run. I’m having a really hard time overcoming this. I am about to start grad school in the fall and I want to get off on the right foot and have healthy stress relief techniques on hand (grad program is notorious for a heavy drinking culture; I love to drink, but not regularly and not in excess).

    A gym membership is out of my price range right now, and I truly do love running…but those mental barriers are so hard to overcome.

    1. Trixie*

      Kudos for your progress since October, it can take some time to develop and keep the habit. The best part about running is not needing a gym membership. Instead, just a good pair of shoes. The running will be even more beneficial when grad school starts as a way to work off stress. I’m always inspired to run because I like to eat :)
      Have you looked for a running group? That regular schedule can be helpful when you want to drop in occasionally. And meet new running buddies.

      1. Mischa*

        I have looked at running groups, but I’m feeling pretty hesitant about joining because I am so seriously slow/cannot keep up.

        1. Trixie*

          I think we’d be surprised to find how many at our own pace. Also, maybe running with a group will make it more fun and/or take you to a new challenge level. I love biking alone but only when I’m with a group do I see how I’m tending to coast or not challenging myself enough. (But that’s just me, YMMV.)

        2. Natalie*

          Couple of thoughts – beginners groups for your age range will have lots of slower folks. Also, if there are any pacing teams, they are usually more experienced runners that can set a specific pace (for example, a 12 min mile or 10 min mile) and are usually supportive folks that are there to help everyone run at their level.

    2. MicroManagered*

      Maintaining a 70 lb weight loss here!

      You need to eat less–period. Exercise will help with weight loss, but the primary driver is going to be your diet. Try tracking you calories using an app like MyFitnessPal or LoseIt to get an idea of what you’re eating currently. A lot of people think it’s “too hard” but I got a food scale and kept track of my food by weight to be accurate. (It’s easier than it sounds–plop your plate on the scale and measure.) Once you know your current caloric intake you can find a way to reduce it. It’s all about choices! I’m willing to part with an afternoon snack in order to have cream in my coffee or a glass of wine in the evening.

      Once your diet is under control, then look to exercise to supplement your weight loss. (You will never outrun a poor diet.)

      As for building wind for running–I was like that too! Couldn’t run for any distance as a kid. Hated gym class. What helped me was actually climbing stairs in one of the buildings at my university! (I’m taking about 5 floors at a time and I eventually built up to 25.)

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Seconding this. While I wouldn’t discourage anyone from running or whatever form of exercise that they want to try, there are two reasons that diet was more effective for me than exercise when it came to losing weight. First, the effort to burn 500 calories is huge, about 23 minutes running at 6 mph, while cutting 500 calories a day is much simpler. Second, I found that it was very hard to run or otherwise be active when I was carrying 65 lbs of extra weight; now that I’ve lost the weight, I find it’s much easier to move around and be active.

      2. Mischa*

        Congratulations! That’s awesome!

        I think I may start taking photos of meals, and weighing things sounds like a great idea! I don’t care much for MyFitnessPal as I do most of my own cooking and it was cumbersome in the past. I’m starting to realize that I eat when I should, not when I need to. And then I eat just way too much.

        1. fposte*

          I will do my usual plug for Brian Wansink’s _Slim by Design_–it’s smart and funny and it’s got great tips for how to arrange your kitchen and how to do your grocery shopping to make eating less/better easier. (And that is why I have beautiful tiny little bowls that are a joy to use.)

    3. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Can you sign up for some of those fun themed races? I sometimes wish my knees weren’t shot because doing a Color Run or a Prom Run would be a good time.

      1. Mischa*

        I love races! Unfortunately they’re outside of my budget right now, but I am hoping to sign up for a 5k soon.

        1. Librarian from Space*

          Signing up for a race is basically the only thing that keeps me motivated to run (although I enjoy it once I get going). I feel like because I spent good money on it, now I HAVE to run or it will be wasted!

        2. Zathras*

          For those on a budget – some races will give you a free number if you volunteer to work at the number pickup table, or help with setup/ teardown. Probably less true for big high-profile races but local 5Ks are often really happy to get extra volunteers.

    4. Channel Z*

      Running clubs were never an option for me. Oh yes, i cried in gym, I was a slow runner and i still want to cry when all the other runners are faster than me. For me, it’s short legs that slow me down, and i can’t change that. Running on my own was good, and didn’t require money. I read Run Fat B!tch Run by Ruth Field which helped tackle the whiny voice in my head making excuses (too cold, muscles sore, I look ugly in running tights, im slow, blah blah) sadly I can’t run anymore due to non running related hamstring tendon tear. I am in grad school too, as a student I get free access to pool and gym. Do you get free student membership?

      1. Mischa*

        Yep! My university has an amazing rec center but I won’t be able to use it until July once I am enrolled. I love weight lifting and yoga (they have cheap classes) so I’m excited to have access to that again. I’ll have to check out that book — that whiny voice is exactly what I’m dealing with.

    5. Birdbrain*

      I’m REALLY late, but in case you’re still following the comments:
      I’m also a runner (not for weight loss, but for general health and anxiety) with motivation issues. One thing that helps motivate me is picking something awesome to listen to during runs, and not letting myself listen to it at other times. So I can only listen to new audiobooks or favourite podcasts when I’m running. Admittedly I don’t run as much as I should, even with that…

      I found the “couch to 5K” program quite helpful for moving from intervals to longer stretches of running. I took it slower than their (I would often do a particular run a few times before moving on to a more demanding one), but I got there eventually. There are various apps that tell you when to run/walk on a given day.

      Keep in mind that if you are running but not changing your diet, you may not lose much weight: you’re probably gaining muscle, and that actually weighs more than fat. But it’s much healthier! Good luck!

  63. The Other Dawn*

    I witnessed someone shoplifting the other night, and turned him in.

    I was in the meat department in grocery store. I came around the corner to where the open counter is. You know, the part where you can see and talk to the butcher’s. There’s a guy there and he’s stuffing packages of meat down his pants. I look over and there’s a teen and his mom on the other side. He’s looking at me and I’m looking at him, both of us shocked and wondering what to do. Well, I turned around, went to the first cashier I saw and tipped her off. I then took off for a far aisle of the store because I was paranoid the shoplifter would know it was me. I heard the code for security called. I finally finished my shopping and left.

    When i got home I mentioned to my husband what had happened. His response was, “did you ever think he was trying to feed his family?” I didn’t know what to say and basically felt like the crappiest person ever. I was kind of surprised he said that, given he works in the security business and my job involves searching for financial crime (I know, not exactly the same thing). But i wasn’t all that surprised because he’s usually the more sensitive, compassionate one.

    Was I wrong to tip off the store? I keep second guessing myself. I can certainly understand someone in dire straights doing what they need to in order to eat. But on the other hand, I’ve worked at grocery stores and have seen how much gets stolen. Plus, it’s still shoplifting.

    1. Not Karen*

      No, you were not wrong. There are other resources available if he can’t afford to buy food, like food pantries, free community dinners, etc.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Forgot to mention, too, that when I walked away he was looking in the door to the back area, so i thought he might be headed back there for more.

    3. Jax*

      I don’t think you were wrong-shoplifting is a crime. And he knew the risk when he started stuffing meat in his pants. But unless it was bottles of alcohol, I probably wouldn’t have reported it because I would think the same thing as your husband-he must be desperate.

    4. MicroManagered*

      You could play the “what if” game all day on this. From what I know/have experienced from various jobs (mostly in my late teens and 20s) in food service or grocery stores–meat shoplifting is a thing. Usually it’s sold or given away to family/friends. It’s not necessarily the “steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving fellow orphans” narrative we think of.

      There are all sorts of avenues to go down–perhaps this person was stealing expensive cuts of meat to sell to feed his family or keep the lights on. Perhaps he was stealing to feed a drug habit. Perhaps he’s an ex-con who’d like to do the right thing but society marginalizes him to the point where he feels like he has little choice but to continue the cycle of crime and incarceration. Perhaps he was stealing from a giant corporation that’s taken tax subsidies to shut down small businesses and doesnt pay its employees enough to afford adequate health care. Who knows?

      The one thing we do know about this situation is that taking items from a store without paying is a crime and in most cases, it’s considered a positive thing to report a crime in progress when you see one. Perhaps if he is in some dire economic situation, he can connect with a caseworker and get the help he needs through legitimate channels. It’s not possible to make a decision (especially a quick one!) that satisfies every possible contingency. You have to do what you think is right and hope for the best and it sounds like that’s whag you did here.

    6. Sherm*

      You absolutely did the right thing. This dude stuffing meat down his pants in front of a minor is no Jean Valjean pilfering some bread for his hungry family. I have my serious doubts that he exhausted every legal option to acquire food. Shoplifting — even for food — is not a victimless crime. It costs businesses billions of dollars each year. It harms. If your husband knows of a viable economy where all food can be provided at no cost, he’s free to explain it. We’re all ears.

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      I mean this kid isn’t Jean Valjean. You didn’t send him to prison for stealing a loaf of bread.

      I don’t mean to tar your husband with too harsh a brush, but I’m not a fan of making people feel bad for doing the right-but-uncool thing.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      You could ask your husband why he felt strongly enough about the topic to say that.

      I wonder if he isn’t talking about the dude in the store but he is recalling something else that ties in somehow.

      Questioning your judgement could be actually a defensive strategy on his part. He may feel upset/ashamed about something and you may have jarred him first. I know it appears that he rattled your cage first, but people don’t usually react like that unless they are thinking of something they saw or experienced.

      We never know when we are going to touch a raw nerve just in passing conversation. It could be that you touched a raw nerve that you did not know he had.

    9. Dan*

      In the perp’s position, the right thing to do is remove the stuff from his pants and put it back. No crime committed, no jail time to be served.

      As far as ratting on people trying to cheat the system, by all means. I pay for my groceries and I pay my taxes; people who don’t drive up those costs for me. I don’t like paying more for anything than I have to.

      1. fposte*

        Though concealment with intent to steal is a crime in some jurisdictions, and if the store sees him putting meat down his pants, they’re likely to damage out that meat. Which sounds more threatening than I mean.

        1. copy run start*

          I would not eat meat that had been in someone’s pants. I hope with all of my being that every store out there damages that out.

    10. Panda Bandit*

      You did the right thing. Why let this one guy off when there are hundreds or possibly thousands of shoppers at that store who are struggling to feed their families without committing crimes? That shoplifter is making everything more expensive and more difficult for all of them.

    11. Undine*

      How many packages of meat can one guy eat? Or even one family? And I’m guessing it wasn’t the cheapest cut either.

    12. Myrin*

      As someone from a poor family who has to do some extreme budgeting acrobatics to actually feed said family every month, your husband’s reaction makes me quite angry. Way to insinuate that people can just circumvent the law given the right circumstances when others in the same circumstances live honestly. (And I just generally hate the “but what if!” line of argumentation; most of the time, the imaginary “what if” scenario is not even remotely true.) Also, my sister works at a supermarket and they lose so much money because of shoplifters every month – I know they’re always extremely glad when someone like that gets caught.

    13. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      Absolutely not wrong, and your husband needs to consider why he feels that poor people are automatically thieves.

      There are many, many resources available out there. If you’re stealing meat, you aren’t stealing it to feed your family, you’re stealing it to sell for profit. The risks of getting caught are far too high.

      You did the right thing.

    14. copy run start*

      No, you were absolutely right. We have resources to help people that are going hungry: SNAP, TANF, WIC, most towns have a food bank or soup kitchen or religious organization who can assist, Meals on Wheels for the elderly, free lunch programs in many school districts, etc.

      Not saying it’s impossible that this guy/his family wasn’t going hungry, but there are a variety of resources available that should be turned to first before theft.

    15. Anon for this*

      You totally did the right thing! From a (non-US) law enforcement perspective, meat and cheese are perenially hot products for shoplifting. The thieves sell the food to shady restaurants and typically use the money to buy drugs. Rinse and repeat.

      TL;DR – This guy was no Jean Valjean.

  64. Laura*

    Many congrats to the college grads walking the stage this weekend. And I hope all the moms have a great Mother’s Day on the States tomorrow.

    I’m tired today after doing that thing we don’t talk about on weekends. Hope everyone’s weekend is a great one.

  65. Damn it, Hardison!*

    I got called for jury duty this week (first time) and to my surprise was seated for a criminal trial that is expected to last through next week. I can’t discuss it (understandable) until it’s over but so far the whole process and proceedings have been really interesting and sometimes emotional. It’s really exhausting, too, which I wasn’t expecting.

    1. Rebecca*

      I have so many questions! Not about the case, obviously, but…what happens if you have to go to the bathroom? Can you take notes? Can you have a water bottle or something to drink? Are there breaks?

      1. Damn it, Hardison!*

        These were the things I wanted to know too! Yes we can take notes; we were given a notebook and pen the first day, which are left in the courtroom when we take a break and gathered up at the end of the day. We can take a water bottle (or similar) into the courtroom but no coffee. We do get a break mid morning where we get coffee and bagels, it’s about 15-20 minutes. I don’t know about a bathroom break; we only sit for 4 hours with the one break and the bathrooms are the last thing everyone does before we first go in and then also at the break.

    2. Sherm*

      I’ve been eligible for jury service for over two decades now, and I’ve never been on a jury. Unlike the vast majority of Americans, it seems, I actually want to do it! I imagine it is indeed interesting as you are experiencing it. Hang in there — hopefully the exhaustion passes.

      1. Red Reader*

        I would love to be called for jury duty, but in three states it’s never happened :(

      2. Mimmy*

        I too have always wanted to sit on a jury (though not for a criminal trial). I had jury duty a couple of years ago and was so disappointed when, after a couple hours of shuffling and sitting around, my entire pool was excused because the court couldn’t find an interpreter for one of the litigants.

        I’m guessing most people don’t like jury duty because of the fact that you mostly just sit around waiting to be called or dismissed. It can definitely be a long, draining day.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I got called right as I started Exjob, and I told them no, I can’t potentially take an unknown amount of time off right now because I’ve just begun a new job after a year of unemployment. Try again later. (I totally could have; Exjob would have totally supported that, but I didn’t know at the time.)

        They said fine, but next time I can’t get out of it. :( I really don’t have any interest in doing it, TBH, and I don’t care what you all think of me for that.

    3. Really?!*

      I’m a lawyer, which would normally mean that I’d never get seated on a jury. But I live in DC, so I’m likely to be called up every two years and I was seated for a criminal case the first time I was in the pool. It was a very interesting experience and frankly one of the most educational my life.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I sat on a jury in a criminal trial about 10 years ago (holy crap, it was that long ago????). I understand exactly what you’re saying– it was so interesting (and I’m a bit of a law junkie, never went to law school but minored in legal studies in college), but definitely exhausting! Mine was two weeks long and involved two defendants with myriad charges each. It was an incredible experience and I’m so glad I did it. I will say, however, that post-deliberation was a bit harrowing, and I wasn’t prepared for the anxiety that came with it– we found one defendant guilty and one not guilty, and even though we know we made the right decision, handing down that decision was really tough emotionally. There was also a family member of one of the defendants who seemed threatening to us, so we all got police escorts home– that was scary, especially since this family member had followed me to the bus one day (he didn’t get on my bus, but he watched me get on it, bad enough).

      The jury cops became our best allies. They were fantastic to us– funny, supportive, understanding… Hell, one of them even asked me out when he left the trial early to go to Coachella (and NEVER CALLED, gee, Joe). When it was all over, they reassured us and took care of us. I’m so glad I sat on a jury, and the only time I wanted to dodge jury duty was when I was called for the week after I moved from one borough to another (and the timing was just crappy). I hope your experience is just as rewarding!

    5. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve gotten called a few times. Once I didn’t have to show up, another time the trial would have coincided with an already paid for vacation, and this last time they got enough jurors and I didn’t have to go back. This last one was a murder trial…of a baby. The dad tossed the baby off a local bridge and then when cold arrived he jumped off too. He admitted doing it, so the trial was regarding whether it was homicide or murder. He got murder. Sentencing hasn’t happened yet I don’t think. Kind of glad I didn’t have to go back this time.

  66. Zathras*

    Weird communication question – am I wrong that if you are going to interrupt someone to tell them what they are saying is wrong, the burden of proof is on you and you should provide some explanation? I have conversations like this all the time (although this is a made-up example):

    Me: “I love that there are a lot of awesome salad vegetables in season right now – kale, carrots, broccoli, tomatoes-”
    Friend: “False.”
    Me: (waits, but Friend is clearly done speaking): “What’s false?”
    Friend: “You’re wrong about the tomatoes.” (again, done speaking.)
    Me: “… er, I just bought tomatoes at the farmer’s market and every vendor had them. My mom mentioned the tomatoes in her garden are ripe too. I guess there are early and late varieties, but I’m pretty sure we’re at peak ‘normal tomato’ right now.”
    Friend: “No, you’re wrong though, tomatoes are fruits.”

    Sometimes it’s less of a nitpick and more of a real factual correction, and it varies who is actually right (hey, I sometimes get stuff wrong). But the *pattern* is always like that – dump an aggressively confident contradiction into the mix, then sit back and make the other person do the work. Plenty of otherwise nice people I know do this, enough that I’ve started to wonder if I’m off base when I interpret this as an obnoxiously aggressive dominance move. How am I *supposed* to react to it?

    1. Book Lover*

      I think it obnoxious. I probably would think twice about spending time with someone who does this.

    2. Rebecca*

      This sounds exactly like Dwight Schrute from “The Office”. Maybe this person has been binge watching and picked up a bad habit?

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        The jury spends so much time out of the room while the lawyers argue over what they can or can’t hear that bathroom breaks are largely unnecessary. ;) But they are still built in.

    3. Colette*

      If you want it to stop, just pause (to give them a chance to explain) and then keep talking like they didn’t say anything. I bet they’d start explaining.

      1. Zathras*

        Ooo, that might work, if I’m right that it’s about attention and conversation control.

        1. TL -*

          Yup. You can also just say, “okay,” and continue talking.
          As the above..”tomatoes…”
          Friend: false
          You: okay. Anyways, I’m always excited by the vegetables in spring.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Sometimes a friend will do that on rare occassion and I will say, “Yeah, whatever, but that takes away from my main point of xyz, which is what I wanted to tell you about.”
            But it sounds like this friend does it a lot. I had a family member like this. After about 10-12 years of not being able to get through a single topic without correction we just quit hanging out with them.

        2. Blue eagle*

          I like the ever popular “Thanks Bones”. (because she would always correct everyone who used the wrong word) The problem with these people is that it’s not about helping you understanding something, they just want to show off what they perceive to be their superiority.

    5. Ann O.*

      I think you are 100% correct that this is an obnoxiously aggressive dominance move. I would probably not be genuine friends with someone who did that, and if I had the choice, not even casual acquaintances.

      I agree with the suggestion to give them a chance to explain and then keep going as though they said nothing.

    6. Zathras*

      Thanks everyone for the confirmation that I’m not being overly sensitive! I’m going to try the ignoring, and if it doesn’t help I might just call out the rudeness on the spot – “wow, that was rude.” (continue talking about salad).

      I feel I should clarify – this isn’t one friend that does this all the time, it’s more of an intermittent behavior from multiple people in a larger friend group. I suspect most of them don’t realize how aggressive it is. They think they are being clever. (And in the excellent words of John Scalzi, “the failure mode of clever is asshole.”)

      Mostly I just wondered if I was being overly sensitive, given the number of people I have seen do this.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        No you’re not being overly sensitive. That’s really, really rude.

        A polite way would be to wait until you finish and then say: “Oh, I actually thought tomatoes were a vegetable!” But who cares anyway? That’s really unkind of them.

      2. Thlayli*

        What on earth is clever about that sort of behaviour? The entire point of speaking is to communicate so if they are deliberately speaking in such a way as to obfuscate their point they are entirely missing the point of communication and that is anything but clever.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Truly clever people don’t have to do this to prove they are clever.

        It sounds like one person acquired this habit and then others started copying the behavior. It’s sort of like the difference between being the lawn and being the mower. People are choosing to mow down others before they get mowed down themselves.

        I think the sooner you start your plan the better, like before the whole group gets infected. All it takes is one person saying, “hey that is not cool” to make something stop.

    8. ArtK*

      Yes, it is an obnoxiously aggressive dominance move.

      Don’t take the bait. You know that they want you to quiz them until you get the right answer. When you do that, they get some satisfaction out of the exchange. Take the satisfaction out and the behavior will die out (or at least change.) Don’t worry about being wrong, unless there’s a life at stake it really won’t matter.

    9. Brogrammer*

      This is one of the few instances that I’d quote Homer Simpson un-ironically: “I’m really glad you corrected me, Lisa. People are always really glad when they’re corrected.” Even if their name isn’t Lisa. Maybe especially then.

  67. and Peggy*

    Favorite and least favorite things, or things you wish you’d known, about living alone? I’m thinking about accepting tenancy on a one person studio flat after months of fruitless hunting (ie. rejections) for a flatshare.

    2. mreasy*

      I loved everything about living alone. I’m married now, so I guess that’s better, but…I sometimes (often) miss my perfect, all-for-me little apartment that I had for 7 years! I wish I had known how much I’d love it ahead of time.

    3. Natalie*

      Favorite: nothing was ever dirtied or disorganized or moved that I didn’t do, except for one time when the wind knocked some plants over (I didn’t have pets at the time). And I never had to compromise on the placement of furniture or arranging of cupboards.

      Least favorite: sometimes I’d end up spending the whole weekend at home without any human contact and that didn’t feel great. I’m not the most social person but apparently I’m a little more social than that. And no second set of hands for groceries, painting, putting together IKEA furniture, etc.

    4. Salty*

      Fav: quiet when I wanted it, perfect knowledge of where everything in the place is, cleaning a studio is fast
      Not fav: no one to freak out with during storms or weird night noise episodes, if there is a big mess- no one to share the work, it’s easy to get complacent about bad habits.

    5. Dan*

      So… in American terms, you’re thinking about getting your own place because roommates fell through? I’m Also assuming your question is restricted to platonic roommates,

      I live an apartment complex, so there is no maintenance outside the unit for me to even think about. Best thing about living alone is that I can put whatever I want on the tv or radio. I clean when I want to. Nobody leaves messes and doesn’t clean them up. I can have whatever pets I want. Nobody makes noise that bothers me.

      Downside? None, really. It’s different if your roommate was a friend or significant other, but absent that, living alone is better than living with a stranger. Oh, paying rent all by yourself sucks.

      1. and Peggy*

        American translation: Potential roommates (strangers looking to fill a room) keep turning me down but I’ve been offered a lease on my own place.

    6. fposte*

      So many things are the favorites. It’s exquisitely self-indulgent–I don’t have to consider anybody but myself when the door closes.

      The main downside is always having to be the grownup. Icky bug? Sewer backup? Creepy noise? Always my turn to handle it.

    7. nep*

      Love living alone. Everything can take place on my schedule and mine alone. I very much like quiet and solitude. The only downside I ever experienced is when something happened to make me feel unsafe — surely at those moments, nice to have someone around. But that’s not been a huge disadvantage; such occasions were rare, and any fear turned out to be unfounded (as fear and worry so often are).

    8. all aboard the anon train*

      Favorite: I can decorate however I want, watch and listen to whatever I want, fill my cabinets and fridge with whatever foods I want, and no one is going to judge me if I spend all days in my PJs or take multiple hot showers or eat ice cream for dinner. Not having to deal with people coming over when I just want to be alone.

      Least Favorite: Not having anyone to split expenses with. Sometimes I can get into the habit of spending all weekend in my apartment without human contact, but I don’t mind that on occasion. It’s really just the expenses part.

      1. Workaholic*

        Favorite: having my own kitchen! Also the wandering around naked if i feel like it.
        Least favorite: being alone. Also having to pay 100% of everything

    9. Annie Mouse*

      Favourites: peace and quiet, I got to decide where I live and how it’s set up, no one to argue with.
      Least favourite: I have to do ALL the housework, my failings when it comes to said housework are now definitely mine and noone else’s, no one to catch the bugs (although hopefully my new furbaby will take on that role!!)
      Good luck, I love living by myself :)

      1. copy run start*

        My cat LOVES to catch and eat flies! Unfortunately he’s not that into roly-polys, but I’m working on that.

    10. WriterLady*

      I loved living alone. Introvert lady needed it to recharge.

      Downsides: cleaning. Also can get lonely at times when you just want a hug from someone, but that would also be a problem when living with strangers/new flat mates (I had lived with friends prior, so I felt this one keenly).

    11. Pharmgirl*

      I love living alone! Downside might be having no one to share chores with – I have to do all the cooking/cleaning/shopping etc all on my own, and that can sometimes get tiring. But I’ll take that when I can watch whatever I want, not have to share the bathrooms, and basically do what I want when I want.

    12. Mischa*

      Favorite: no other people! I could clean how I want, cook how I want, or wear no clothes. It was great.

      Least favorite: no other people. I am very extroverted, so being alone all the time was difficult. I would have to make a concerted effort to invite people over (like Mad Men Mondays, etc) or go out with friends.

    13. copy run start*

      No one judging you for your meal choices (aside from yourself). Or Netflix binge choices.

      You want a party? Throw a party. You want quiet? It’s all yours! You want to spend all day in your PJs with the unseemly holes? Go for it!

      Not having to deal with or clean up anyone else’s mess. No more thermostat wars. No more fighting over who gets the assigned parking spot.

      All space is yours. ALL of it! No living out of a bedroom. Use the kitchen or bathroom whenever you please! Don’t need to be quiet or avoid stinky foods either. Also nice when you’re sick — you don’t have to have any witnesses.

      You’re responsible for all the bills, so it’s usually more expensive. All the cleaning is on you as well. These are the only downsides I have — I am a homebody and love being alone, but I imagine some people dislike that.

    14. BBBizAnalyst*

      I love living alone. I met some lifelong friends doing random apartment living when I lived in overpriced east coast city so I can do the roommate thing. I just prefer not to.

      Ultimately, I love my own company. I like coming home after a long day to recharge. I like that I don’t have to deal with ugly futons and tacky furniture. I love cooking with my favorite music playing and no one interrupting asking me what it is I’m cooking or listening to. I love that when I wake up on Saturday morning, it’s quiet and I get to lounge with my cup of tea while I sit out on the balcony doing nothing.

      It’s honestly the best.

    15. and Peggy*

      Thanks for all the upsides and fair warning, everyone! I’ve signed the lease but have a couple more months before move in to warm up to the idea completely :) A large part of my hesitation was because I’m the kind of introvert who likes being around people even if I’m not interacting with them; this is the default in my family and my one flat with strangers (who became friends) on an internship was much the same.

      Sadly the lease rules out pets or decorating via tape, tak, or pins, but most of the other favorite things y’all have mentioned apply.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      Favorite: I don’t have to do a damn thing if I don’t want to. I don’t have to clean if I don’t feel like it. I don’t have to cook or watch a show I don’t like or entertain anyone. I can do whatever I want with my time.

      Least favorite: It’s boring and lonely and I hate it. And if something happens, I have no help. There is no one to make me soup if I’m sick or save me if a bookshelf falls on me.

  68. Blue_eyes*

    Thanks to all those from last week who suggested good places to get cotton-but-not-frumpy panties. I went to Gap this week I really liked the GapBody options so I bought a bunch of different ones to try (they had a 7 for $27 deal, so it was worth it to get 7).

  69. Nervous Accountant*

    Monday I found out I was pregnant. Confirmed w the Dr via blood test.
    Lost it on Thursday, Dr confirmed that it was a chemical pregnancy.
    I just want this stupid week to be over.sigh.

    6. TheLazyB*

      I’m so sorry NA.

      If you need to grieve it do. Don’t let anyone make you believe it doesn’t matter.

      Take care of yourself x

  70. Sibley*

    I’m moving in 2 weeks (buying my first house!!), and will be out of town next weekend for my sister’s graduation. So I need to get everything packed up this weekend, or I’ll be doing it after work. The basement is 99% packed – there’s more room in the box so I haven’t closed it, but I think I’ve got everything. Bathroom is 2/3 packed, bedroom just a little bit, and the kitchen about 25%.

    Complicated by the fact that I live with a roommate, who is also moving, but she hasn’t really started packing.

    I plan to stay in this house for as long as I can, just to avoid packing.

    1. Merci Dee*

      ^5, amigo. Packing sucks, and it’s about to kill me. Folks would have to blast me out of the new house before I’d pack and go through this garbage again.

    2. Cruciatus*

      This is unrelated to the packing, Sibley, but if you don’t mind, I have a question about planning for the house you bought. How did you decide how much house monthly you could afford? Did you include the utilities in that? I’ve heard about the 25% and 30% rule (and even that varies between take home and gross salary on all the online forums and many of them also argue over whether that includes utilities or not). My salary isn’t much so following those rules based on gross salary I can get something roughly $700-850 but I don’t know what all else I should be including in that. I do have a lot in savings so I can put down a large down payment (I could probably buy a reasonably priced house outright (low cost of living area), but think I should probably build up my credit even more). So I could put down more to get the mortgage to be actually like, $500 then utilities would probably bring me to the $850 number (based on the seasons probably, as I *will* need a/c in the summer).

      So I’m not asking you to figure out my situation! But as someone who just went through this recently, do you have advice or did you learn anything in the process about where utilities figure into all of this? Were you able to find out the utility costs before buying or making an offer? Any advice you can offer is much appreciated! I’m hoping to start the process this summer and I’ve been reading the book How to Buy a House for Dummies and have been reading stuff online for about a year now but I don’t have a lot of people to discuss actually buying a house recently as most people I know rent, or bought years ago and/or have dual incomes, or make 10X what I do and they don’t really need to worry about these things.

      1. Katie Marr*

        Cruciatus, I had a figure in mind for maximum monthly principle+interest+insurance+prop tax payments (also HOA if applicable), based on what would be readily doable with my income. Leave yourself wriggle room too. Then, backing out estimated insurance and the property taxes, I was then able to figure out my max budget for the house. Then I lowered it a bit, because I wanted to be conservative. I completely ignored what the pre-approval numbers were – in my case they were 3x my actual budget.

        My realtor was able to help me figure out what the past utilities have been on the house. However, the sellers are a family with 2 children, where it’s just me. So my costs will be less than theirs, likely much less. If you can, find out the rates. Then you can do a decent guess based on your current usage. Make sure you account for gas, electric, water, sewer, trash, phone, internet and tv. EVERY monthly expense.

        You also have to figure on some repairs and maintenance. Do not skip a home inspection, even if it’s new construction. If you buy a place that needs work, you want to know it. I need to put new gutters on the house, and pretty quickly because the current ones are nonfunctional. A good home inspector is worth their weight in gold. Mine actually saved me from a VERY expensive mistake with a previous house.

        Good luck!

  71. AvonLady Barksdale*

    The ants are back! UGH. For the past two years, they’ve shown up in June. We’ve had a lot of rain, so they decided to come in early. Last week I found a bunch in the bathroom sink, today I found some in and around the kitchen sink. There is no trail, so they’re not coming in systematically– my boyfriend, who has some experience in the bug business, thinks they’re basically lost and trying to find their way back out, and he thinks they may be coming up through the pipes. Because of this, he doesn’t want to put out bait traps, because he thinks that will attract more ants. I clean with vinegar and lavender– I thought they hated vinegar! They show up in spilled drops of cold brew coffee– I thought they hated coffee! Last year and the year before, we went away for a week and that was the only thing that made them disappear. We have no vacation plans until July, save for a long weekend. We live in a 100-year-old house. I think we’re just screwed.

    One just ran across my computer monitor. Grrrrrreat.

    1. This Daydreamer*

      I’ve had good luck with peppermint essential oil. If you don’t like peppermint, try cinnamon instead.

        1. This Daydreamer*

          Around doors and windows, mainly. Also if I find a popular site indoors, I’ll scrub it bare then spray.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Yes, Terro and other baits work by attracting more ants, who then distribute the poisoned bait to the whole colony. If the ants have found something to eat in your house they’re not “just passing through”, in my experience that means they’ll explore all over the house, even if you don’t see it right away. Terro is what we use, it’s very safe, easy, and effective.

      1. fposte*

        I use Terro. I have, however, been warned against Terro by every pest control guy I’ve had in the house–the argument is that it brings in more ants than it actually kills off. I’ve split the difference by using it on the outside of the wall where they’re mainly coming in or to concentrate them in the kitchen in a spot where I’m comfortable using Raid.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          I think they were just concerned about their job security. Our pest control guy loves it as much as we do, and while it does bring in more ants for a short time, after 24-48 hours they’re completely gone.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      We get them too every May/June. We had one bad day where there seemed to be an ant everywhere I looked but thankful they have largely disappeared now. Each year there is one spot outside (usually a different spot every year) where they seem to come in, so my husband sprays that area and it does the trick in a couple of days. We use Raid because it’s the only thing that works well.

  72. Lily Evans*

    I just need to vent about how terrible apartment hunting in Boston is. I can’t afford an apartment alone, so I’m trying to find a place where people are already living and looking for roommates (to avoid a broker’s fee mostly) and I’m so tired of going to apartments that seem nice with people who seem nice and then getting roommate ghosted. I’m also really not looking forward to the prospect of moving on Sept 1st, but since that’s when my lease and everyone else’s are up I might have to. And I love my cat, but having a cat makes this already arduous task even harder, and I just want to find a new place so badly. My roommate is so gross that I don’t even know where to begin addressing it, so I’ve kind of just taken a detached perspective on it and I’m keeping notes in case I ever write a sitcom someday because I couldn’t make her up if I tried and I’m so BEC with her at this point. And she’s a nice person, I honestly think there might be a mental health problem behind this but it’s not my place to try to diagnose my roommate. But at the same time I’m just really sad because I had gotten my own messiness so under control before moving here and it’s just been spiraling back out of control again and I’m finding it really hard to care when the rest of the apartment is like a giant trash pit anyhow. But one of my goals for my days off this week is to get my own space more manageably tidy so at least there’s somewhere that doesn’t make me want to cry when I come home. We also have problems with loud neighbors and people in the building leaving the front door unlocked, and I just really hate it here right now.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      That stinks! Is there any chance you can live outside of Boston that’s more affordable (no, I don’t mean Somerville, Cambridge, or Brookline—which are all expensive)? Maybe Waltham (west), Quincy (south), or Salem (north)?

      1. Lily Evans*

        I’m trying to stay in the more Boston-centric area since I sold my car and I have no interest in either buying a new one or having to commute further than I already do! I also don’t hate the concept of having roommates when they actually clean up after themselves, since I mostly like having company when I’m home. And there seem to be more ads each week as the summer gets closer, so I’m hoping something will work out soon! I just made the mistake of getting my hopes up on one I already saw and never heard back from and everything seems worse alone in your room at almost midnight…

    2. Zathras*

      Oh man, I’m sorry your roommate is so terrible. There are many better roommates out there who are nice. The search is really stressful tough. I’m in the same area and apartment hunting with my roommates now – it’s rough. Having a pet makes it so much harder (I have a dog).

      One thing I have found is that it’s really easy to get sucked into digging through Craigslist, etc., for good deals and hours disappear without much outcome. But after one or two sessions of that, you’ve seen everything there is, and you end up circling around fruitlessly. So it’s better to just check for new/updated postings once per day at specific times, contact any that seem promising, and not think about it otherwise.

      I may or may not have shouted “WHO PAYS THAT MUCH?!” three or four times today.

      1. Zathras*

        That was supposed to say “the search is really stressful, though” but let’s call that a Freudian slip.

      2. Lily Evans*

        Yeah, I’ve been checking CL about once a day and there are some that just keep reposting over and over (and some that are still open or re-open from when I was first searching a year ago!) and it’s so annoying digging through those and I know you can hide them, but I mostly look when I have down time at work so it doesn’t save my changes. I also set it to a max price but the who pays that much game is definitely a fun one!

    3. all aboard the anon train*

      Have you tried Craigslist? I found all my apartments there for a stupidly good price compared to the going rate. I don’t know what your range is, but my last apartment was a $1400 one bed (with a living room and dining room) in Beacon Hill. My current one is a $1200/month one bed in Beacon Hill that’s dog friendly. They’re not fancy apartments, but the price is worth it for the location, and I’m willing to spend more on rent than other amenities (but I know not everyone can afford that). I was just lucky enough to be the first one to see the apartment and put in papers to rent it.

      Since all the schools are graduating, I’d look for anyone who’s trying to sublet for the summer with a possible lease extension. I know a lot of people try to get someone to take over their lease when they leave for the summer.

      Are you looking to stay on the T? I know Southie and JP are decent, and I have friends who live near the UMass side of Dorchester. I have a couple friends who just moved to East Boston and Charlestown because they said the rent was cheaper. My brother has a super cheap apartment in Mission Hill, which I feel like a lot of people forget about when looking for places.

      1. Overeducated*

        Can I ask when you last used Craigslist to find an apartment? As of 2015 it was 90% brokers at market price, and the only apartments I saw listed in the range you have were basement one beds in Arlington and Quincy (I mainly searched Red Line, so not East Boston but definitely Beacon Hill). That deal sounds almost unbelievable!

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          2015! It was a real estate agency who posted the ad, but the landlord set the price. I asked him about the low price, he said he didn’t need to set it to market value, and since he was looking for professionals and not students, he figured he’d help someone out with a lower than market rate rent. Which is awfully kind of him imo.

          Every time I’ve searched for an apartment in Boston, I’ve had the luxury of taking my time to look, so I’m not scrambling for something by Sept 1. I think that helps, because that’s how I’ve found great deals. Some of the good deals are buried beneath all the market value apartments or the scams, or they don’t stay posted very long because they’re snatched up quickly (one I had emailed was literally rented two hours after the initial posting went up). For me, it was just a matter of constantly refreshing the page with my set parameters. When I looked in 2015, there were a decent amount of one beds in Back Bay, Bay Village, South End, and Beacon Hill for under $1600 (but I was specifically looking for dog friendly, which limited my choices).

        2. Elizabeth H.*

          Seconded. 1200 for a one bedroom in Beacon Hill is INSANE.
          Craigslist is the only thing going and I’m really good at it but apartment hunting in Boston is just incredibly difficult. It’s by far a landlord’s market.

      2. Lily Evans*

        I’m searching on CL through the rooms/shared section! I’ve poked around the non-shared apartments section but $1200 is my max budget including utilities, so I haven’t found anything there. I’m pretty open to location, but most of the places I’ve looked at are in cheaper parts of Cambridge, Somerville, or Brighton.

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          This might be old school, but I’d also suggest putting up a notice at work or asking friends to put up a notice at their workplace if they have a shared place to put flyers or something. I know coworkers and friends who have found roommates this way, and some who prefer it versus looking/posting online. It might be especially helpful now because you have the students leaving and people looking to move before Sept 1 (since no one wants to move on that weekend if they can avoid it).

          1. Lily Evans*

            I work somplace that actually has a website for that! I haven’t had any luck there yet, but maybe I will soon.

    4. Overeducated*

      My sympathies. It’s really, really exceptionally bad there. DC is a breeze in comparison. Good luck!

    5. Lily Evans*

      I saw another apartment this morning that I really liked and they’re looking to fill 2 rooms, so the odds are hopefully even better! And I almost let the rain and my bad attitude lure me into cancelling so I could grab an extra hour of sleep, but I’m really glad I went.

  73. Merci Dee*

    So, as I mentioned above, closing for the new house is on Thursday. I’d been planning on hiring movers to get everything over on Friday, but my dad almost had palpitations when I mentioned the cost to get a good, bonded company to come fondle my housewares. So, naturally, he insists on moving my furniture himself. Arguing against it was like arguing with a brick wall, so I gave in. It makes my dad happy to think I need him (since I’m the baby of the family, and I dove into this house-buying thing all on my own without asking for his advice), and it saves me $550 on movers. Please keep your fingers crossed. And maybe toes, too.

    I knew this weekend was going to be a challenge with packing, because it was time to go through kiddo’s room. Shudder, sob. My daughter is a wonderful child, the light of my life. Frequently, the one thing keeping me sane, even as she drives me crazy. But one of the things that challenges my girl is a pretty serious OCD diagnosis. When the psychologist diagnosed her, he mentioned that results indicated she tended toward hoarding – no freaking joke. Two working eyes told me that much. I’m familiar with the difficulties that those with hoarding tendencies face, and that efforts to “help” them by cleaning and sorting their things can set off worse episodes of collecting. So I had some trepidation going in. But I got her to work with me, making some decisions about what needed to go and what could stay.

    By the time we were done, she was trashing things with relish, like each thing she tossed was a weight off her shoulders. We ended up throwing away 8 kitchen trash bags of stuff. Papers, wrappers, broken toys, beads, baubles of every description. This is the first time in about a year I’ve been able to see all of her floor at once. I think she’s totally jazzed about it, because she’s been singing and bopping around in there for about an hour now.

    Good gravy. 7 hours of work, and 8 bags of trash, just from her room. I am so flipping tired right now.

    2. Sibley*

      I am also buying a house, and packing. You’ll get there!

      I’m using movers though, and no one can convince me not to. I’d rather be mad at a company than my friends when something breaks or disappears.

      1. Red Reader*

        Good call. My movers put a couch leg through my new wall — but they also paid to professionally have it fixed, which most of my “I’ll help you move” friends wouldn’t have been able to afford.

      2. Merci Dee*

        I might have to worry about a lot of things during the move (chiefly, losing my mind), but I know I won’t have to worry about anything falling off my dad’s truck. He’s legendary in my family for lashing stuff down with tons of rope and making crazy knots. But in almost 50 years of regular moving, he’s only lost one piece of furniture off the truck, and that was sort of accidentally-on-purpose. He absolutely hated a pie safe my mom had spray-painted a crazy blue (!!!), and it fell over the side and broke during a brief transport from one mini storage unit to another. Oops … or not.

  74. Aurora Leigh*

    Last weekend I took my boyfriend to meet my parents!

    It went . . . well, pretty much as well as could be expected. He and my dad got along really well and my mom didn’t kill us so that’s the best I could ask for!

    My mother is really struggling with the concept of my having a boyfriend. I’m 26 and have always been single so this is kind of a big deal. He’s really amazing and I’m so happy.

    Mom is upset because she feels like this means she’s losing control and this means I absolutely won’t be moving back into her house (which I decided a long time ago).

    I honestly am not bothered by what she thinks, but I’m trying to keep the peace between us for the sake of youngest sibling who’s still in middle school.

    Thanks for letting me vent to you guys again! :)

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      I’m glad it didn’t go too badly.

      And think of how you’re setting the boundaries which will only help your younger sib when they are an adult and need to set boundaries- your mom will have had to accept things by then. If she hasn’t, at least you will be support for that, too.

  75. the luggage*

    Book recommendation? I really like Terry Pratchett and Jasper Fforde. Can anyone suggest writers who have a similar combination of wit, imagination, and non-drinker?

    1. Thlayli*

      Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever found a writer who’s funnier than pratchett. Sorry.

    2. Confused Publisher*

      I love PG Wodehouse, but his is a very different type of humour. (And Terry Pratchett is … a category all by himself.)

    3. misspiggy*

      I love Ben Aaronovitch’s Rivers of London magical detective series (which I found through this very thread). Humour is much more understated and it’s less anarchic, but it’s got that absorbing alternate reality, clever wit, and love for human justice.

      1. Kate in Scotland*

        This is what I was going to suggest. Pratchett and Ben Aaronovitch are my ‘comfort food’ reading.

    4. Iris Carpenter*

      I like Charlie Stross. Try The Atrocity Archive or Rule 42.

      What do you mean “Non-drinker”? The plot has to be tea-total or the author? What am I missing?

      1. the luggage*

        Whoops! non-depressing seems to have been auto-corrected to non-drinker and I didn’t notice when I posted.

    5. Amber Rose*

      Try Will Ferguson. He doesn’t really do fantasy but his non fiction made me laugh so hard I cried, and his fiction is great.

    6. Liane*

      Piers Anthony’s Xanth series, particularly the oldest books in the series. They are pun-heavy and not quite the same style but you might like them.

    7. Undine*

      For a one-off, To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis. Definitely quirky, although in a very different way.

    8. katamia*

      You might like Christopher Moore, although I don’t know about the non-drinker bit.

    9. NiceOrc*

      I have recently enjoyed Jay Kristoff’s Nevernight, and Naomi Novik’s Uprooted. Naomi Novik also wrote the Temeraire series, which is very good. Also a vote for Ben Aaronovitch, as misspiggy already suggested. He’s a fan of Terry Pratchett, and dedicated one of his books to him!

  76. Myrin*

    Some of you might remember a few weeks ago where I ranted about how I was annoyed with one online friend’s behaviour on social media (it was about how the personality traits I originally liked about her became so strong and almost like a charicature of themselves that it made her an unpleasant person to be around). All was normal for a couple of weeks but then she wrote irately about two harmless things that basically made her look way over-the-top and hypocritical so that I promptly unfollowed her. It’s a shame because I like a lot of her opintions and work she talks about but I have no time in my life for people who can turn nasty at the drop of a hat.

    1. Squeeble*

      Unfollowing or muting people on Facebook is a special kind of joy. Sounds like a good choice!

  77. WriterLady*

    Help a gal with a uni assignment? I need to redesign a package for an office product which is traditionally packaged in something that requires a tool/scissors/knife to open.

    I was doing highlighters, because I momentarily forgot the “requires scissors to open” brief (my brain went ‘hard to open’ instead). Any suggestions appreciated, I’m staring at office websites in horror.

    Also, not scissors; everyone is doing scissors in my group and I’m intimidated.

    THANK YOU, all of you, in advance.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      How about a stapler? Or a mouse? Anything in one of those godforsaken blister packs that threaten to cause serious bodily injury when you need to get them open. If you’re having trouble picturing things, I would highly recommend going to a store and checking things out– websites often won’t show you the packaging.

    2. Always anon*

      Hole punchers? Or staplers. I usually see both in the same kind of plastic coverings that scissors are covered in.

    3. Wrench Turner*

      Noise cancelling earbuds could be fun.
      “To silence out the screaming of hard to open packages.”

    4. Rebecca*

      I just purchased a plastic shell pack of greens from my local grocery store. It had a zipper type pull off piece on the side. It was securely sealed, and at the same time, it was easy to open with no sharp implements required. What about something like that? It’s still secure, but can be opened without tools.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      I’d love it if plastic dividers came in an envelope style package that opened and closed instead of stupid soft plastic that doesn’t reseal.

  78. ol'jack*

    I got 2 tickets to a charity event and invited someone I don’t know that well; we are acquaintances, I am not trying to date them, but would not mind getting to know them better. I am glad I went out of my comfort zone to invite this person but now I am having trouble not becoming totally negative about the fact that i don’t have anyone close to me to invite, that the first person I invited turned me down, that the people I know at the event are all couples, etc. I wish my positive mind could be as productive as my negative one. Any suggestions on how to stay positive and look forward to this?

    1. alex*

      Inviting anyone to anything takes courage! They may come or decline, but you were kind and brave. Inviting more people to more things will eventually lead to your being invited to things, which will eventually lead to closer relationships. Also, it’s totally fine to invite 1/2 of a couple; you just indicate that you have only 1 extra ticket and would love a fun friend along for the night.
      In any case, a solo event can be great, since you can do what you want and leave when you want. And while there, you can talk to whomever and practice low-stakes socializing (something I’m really trying to get better at..).
      Anyway, I think you’ve scored a win here.

  79. JuniperJones*

    I had a close family bereavement (Mom) this week and as an ex partner’s mom had had similar experience I reached out to her via him for some help prior to the death, and subsequently informed her of the passing by text message. She relayed the info to the ex partner and he sent a generic kind of text message with condolences. We were together for around 4 years and apart for around one. We didn’t keep in contact and I’m in a new relationship.

    To distract myself from the grief I am now obsessing over whether he would come to the funeral service or not. I don’t know if I should have asked for his help/told him on the phone instead of by text – it would have felt strange calling him up after a year or so….so I text instead. I would actually like him to come to the funeral because my Mom liked him a lot and he was fond of my Mom too whilst we were together. I’d never ask him to come though as it’s his choice. I feel like I should call and talk about my Mom as it feels horribly impersonal to talk about her by text. What would y’all do?

    1. Audiophile*

      I’m sorry for your loss.

      I think you can reach out and let him know he’s welcome to attend the funeral and that your mom was fond of him.

    2. fposte*

      I agree with Audiophile, and I wanted to add my condolences. I hope you’re being well supported.

    3. Rebecca*

      I’m sorry for your loss. Agreeing with Audiophile – he might be uncertain as to whether he should attend…reach out and let him know.

  80. Wrench Turner*

    2 cookbook questions:

    What is the best length of a cookbook? What is a good price?
    After some cajoling by friends and family, I’m writing/illustrating two cookbooks on separate, unrelated topics but not sure about how long and how many recipes to put in each or what to charge.

    1. fposte*

      If you’re self-publishing, it’s kind of up to you. What I would do is have a look at cookbooks for similar audiences and with similar layouts to see if you can find a type that fits what you’re doing–there’s a huge difference between a coffee-table book about travels through Laos where the photographs are broken up by the occasional recipe and a spiral-bound church cookbook with four recipes on every page and a doodle at the section header. The 50 recipes/100 recipes, etc. format is pretty popular, so you could think about fitting into that; for a self-published collection with no photographs (and therefore cheap reproduction costs), I’d price it on the church cookbook end, so probably between $2.99 and $5.99; some things might take it up, but I’d definitely keep it below $10 for a paperback, less if it’s digital only.

      1. Wrench Turner*

        That’s a great set of examples to view this through, thank you!
        I’m definitely publishing myself but definitely not going for the travels through Laos coffee table book route.

  81. CandleFactory*

    Would you be comfortable being around a good friend who unfriends your spouse on FB over politics?

    The spouse never engaged in dialogue on FB with the friend. It’s just that the friend doesn’t think that your spouse’s political views are valid.

    1. Amber Rose*

      Sure. It’s just Facebook. I’ve unfriended family and my actual friends for similar reasons.

      1. CandleFactory*

        But where would you go from there? If your spouse and your friends are no longer friends on FB, how do you and the spouse go about seeing the friend in public? While knowing that the said friend can’t just play nice for the sake of the friendship?

        1. Colette*

          I think it depends on whether the unfriending was a personal judgement (I.e. I don’t want to be around this person ever because they advocate positions I think are morally wrong) or whether they disagree and don’t want to see politics on their news feed.

          But also, there are plenty of people who don’t like their friend’s spouse.

          Can you get together with the friend without your husband? (If not, that’s a concerning sign all on its own.)

        2. Amber Rose*

          I don’t require my spouse to be friends with my friends and I’m honestly confused why this matters to you. It’s just Facebook.

          How would I move forward? This is a nonsensical question. It would just be life as usual but without political convos when friend is around.

          I have seriously unfollowed my own father. It’s just Facebook. I have no idea why you’re giving it this much say in how you live.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            I’m not friends on FB with any spouses and they’re not friends with mine. We’re friends with each other, not the spouses. And if they WERE friends on FB, I wouldn’t care one way or the other if they unfriended each other.

        3. Amtelope*

          Can’t you just talk to them when you see them in person, but not talk about politics? I’ve unfriended people who I still talk to in real life. In real life, we have conversations about our mutual relatives, or the food at dinner, or the weather, or whatever. But on Facebook/Twitter/whatever, I have to see all of their political opinions, and I very much don’t want to.

          Some people are “not sharing our feelings about politics at all” friends (or acquaintances), and that’s much easier to do offline than on any kind of social network.

        4. Windy Willows*

          Why on earth should someone have to “play nice” when someone else is posting political views that they find upsetting or offensive? That’s not a reasonable thing to expect of anyone! If you want to remain friends with them, you can call them, text them, email them, or you (who are presumably) still FB friends with them (???) can message them on FB. Or use whatever other methods of contact you have. And then just, y’know, hang out with your friend.

          Is this really about the FB unfriending? I suspect there’s something more going on here for you to be reacting this way.

        5. Sylvia*

          Maybe this is an artifact of growing up on LiveJournal, where people were pretty open about cleaning up their friends lists, but I don’t think it’s a big deal.

          And I don’t have to be friends with my friends’ SOs.

    2. Wrench Turner*

      Unless it’s something really esoteric like tariff policies on teapot handle imports, I probably disagree with that ‘good friend’ on a whole lot of things, too, and they’re not as good of a friend as I imagined. I’d probably still hang out in group settings but not seek that person’s company directly.

      This exact thing happened in my social group and frankly letting that good friend go made my life better.

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      I’d rather they quietly did that than criticised everything my spouse posted.

    5. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

      Yep. If the friend told you that was why, that’s a bit odd. I know people that keep their FB profiles as “professional” as possible and so don’t let any politics stuff show up on their walls/etc.

      I’ve also hidden people’s posts because of fatigue (especially around election time!) or disagreement. Why read stuff that bothers me everyday? My time is limited.

    6. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Depends, but I’m leaning towards no. Because I cannot imagine marrying someone who didn’t share my political views and I assume someone who unfriends them over politics is doing so because they disagree. I don’t think I could be good friends with someone who was diametrically opposite of me in that regard.

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      If your spouse posts about politics a lot, he has probably already been unfollowed by lots of people. It’s just part of speaking your mind in that manner. So this friend likely isn’t the only one in this position. You just don’t know about it.

    8. Red Reader*

      Sure. I mean, if they’re that diametrically opposed to our (similar) political views, they’re probably not a good friend of mine anyway, but I definitely have spouses-of-friends (and even my own friends, and my father and my little sister both to boot) that I don’t follow on Facebook for a variety of reasons.

    9. NicoleK*

      I’ve unfriended my SIL (husband’s sister) and unfollowed my MIL because of their political views. MIL lives with me and my husband.

    10. TheLazyB*

      I’ve defriended many people. I only am Facebook friends with people I interact with daily. I still consider people I’ve defriended actual friends. Does that help?

    11. BRR*

      I’ve blocked someone over one particular topic we disagree over but otherwise who I otherwise like. If I just unfollowed them I would still check their page so this is how I created the separation I need. But it doesn’t sound like this is the exact same situation.

    12. Chickaletta*

      Sure. Put it this way: If I stopped hanging around every person who disagreed with some viewpoint I had, I would have zero friends. Nobody would have any friends.

      Life is too short to count likes and friends on Facebook. It’s just facebook, and if you’re seriously considering dumping a friend over a button they pushed on a social media app, then at least do yourself this favor: step away from social media for a few days, invite your friend to hang out with you one on one, give it another few days, and see if you still feel the same way.

  82. CandleFactory*

    And would you unfriend the spouse of a close friend based on politics? Wouldn’t that put your friend in an awkward position?

    1. fposte*

      I think if there’s awkwardness it came with the explanation of why; if it was a dramatic “I no longer wish to see your interminable and wrongheaded posts about the water table redistricting” that’s different from “I’m trimming politics out of my feed.” I don’t really see any need to be Facebook friends with all spouses anyway, and I think it’s fine to see people in person whom you’re not friends with online. When you say that the friend can’t “play nice for the sake of the friendship,” are you referring to the Facebook unfriending? Because I don’t think that’s refusing to play nice. If the friend won’t be polite with your spouse face to face, that’s another matter, and I wouldn’t subject my partner to somebody who’s unpleasant to them.

    2. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

      I don’t think I’d notice, honestly. As long as they weren’t being rude and dismissive in person (or through FB), it wouldn’t matter to me.

    3. Amtelope*

      I mean, to me there’s a difference between just quietly unfriending someone and making a big “I never want to speak to you again” statement. There are plenty of people I don’t want to follow on Facebook, because I can’t stand seeing what they post there. Generally, it’s not because we have a huge feud, it’s just … they irritate me. I think it’s fine to find your close friend’s spouse irritating, and that it makes sense to limit the time you spend exposed to their irritating opinions by unfriending them on social media.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      I’ve unfollowed actual close friends because of politics. I don’t see it as a big deal. I use facebook for pictures and event invites. I don’t need it to be clogged up with a bunch of linked articles and stupid opinions.

    5. Clara*

      Sure I would. I curate my online experience carefully, I’m not going to be FB friends with someone who makes political posts that annoy, frustrate or upset me. I don’t see why that should make a difference to my friend. It’s just Facebook, after all. It’s not a big deal.

      If my friend got wound up about me unfriending their spouse and decided to make a big deal out of it, that would be a problem and I’d most likely not choose to be friends with someone who would do that.

    6. Jessesgirl72*

      I have both unfriended and unfollowed and never had anyone ask, if they ever noticed.

  83. Liane*

    As happens every few years, Husband & I are sharing custody of his birthday today because it is Mother’s Day in the US. :) He was born on Mother’s Day, even.
    It is going well. College Son got up and made all 4 of us breakfast and gave the 2 of us cards. An Husband opened presents–Geeky things all. (As I mentioned elsewhere, I am getting my present from Son in a couple days!)
    No, College Daughter hasn’t been neglectful of us. She got me flowers & her dad a cake last night–after working til 10!
    Due to schedules, we won’t be going out until Tuesday for the birthday man, which is a slight bummer.

    (And Awesome Family Friend sent me a card with an iTunes gift card. I will use most of it on the family–getting Season 4 of Star Wars Rebels when they offer it.)

    1. Mischa*

      How thoughtful of your children! That sounds lovely.

      I loved the last season of Rebels. Looking forward to the upcoming season in September.

      1. Liane*

        All of my family too! I just wish it wasn’t the last season. I could’ve sworn the original plan was 5 seasons but I guess they don’t want to get too close to Rogue One/Star Wars* timelinewise. And Awesome Friend told me a while ago that it was going to be a short season. I hope they have a starting double length episode this summer like the other seasons.
        And I will be happy to talk Rebels here with you or anyone else!

        *It was Star Wars (just Star Wars) when I first saw it

    2. Merci Dee*

      My dad is the same way – his birthday is May 8, so it occasionally falls on Mother’s Day, too. Fine with him, fine with mom, fine with the kids. When I was little, mom told me once that she didn’t mind sharing the day with dad. After all, she said, she’s my mom more often than one Sunday a year, and the kids did a great job of showing appreciation all year long. After that, I always enjoyed the years those days coincided.

  84. regina phalange*

    So late to the party but is there anywhere near Santa Monica that is affordable but won’t force me in to a 3hr commute to drive 15 miles??

    1. ArtK*

      Palms isn’t too bad. You’re not too far from the Metro Expo line if you’re headed either into Santa Monica or the other way towards downtown Los Angeles. If you’re working in Santa Monica, you can look along several of the Metro routes — it’s a convenient way to travel.

      Culver City is more expensive (and you haven’t described what ‘affordable’ means to you) and has a smaller inventory of apartments, but it’s a great community. You may be able to find stuff around Venice/Mar Vista as well. My wife lived in Marina Del Rey for a few years before we married — the commute to Santa Monica isn’t awful.

      1. regina phalange*

        ahh thank you! I was seeing rent for $5000/month which is not feasible. $2500 a month or less is ideal

        1. ArtK*

          $5000? I wasn’t getting that much renting a 3br house in Westchester (just above Silicon Beach.) Yowza!

        2. ArtK*

          For $2500 you can get a decent place in Westwood, if you don’t mind putting up with students. Santa Monica is a straight drive down Wilshire or Santa Monica Blvd. There are also *lots* of busses.

  85. Not Karen*

    Question for people in book clubs: How long do you spend discussing the book? I’m starting to get annoyed with my book club at work because we’ll only spend 20-30 minutes talking about the book. So not worth it when the book was 500 pages.

    1. Natalie*

      I think we usually talk about the book for an hour or so. But we’re all friends so I enjoy the non-book chitchat.

    2. Felicia*

      Usually we talk about the book for an hour and a half and the whole meeting is two hours. But it’s a large group and no one knew each other before. I was annoyed with a book club where we didn’t talk abut the book too because I was like what’s the point of reading it then. So I found a new book club

    3. Colette*

      My book club? Maybe five minutes. But we look at the book as a bonus and primarily exist for the social interaction.

  86. Overeducated*

    Late but curious for others’ opinions. My tenth college reunion is in less than a month and I still can’t decide whether to go. I loved my college and the 5 year reunion, and I would feel like I was missing out if I didn’t go. But now I live much further away (8 hours without stops), and have a toddler to drag along (the reunion will be family friendly but the drive could be tough).

    The other issue is that I don’t have much vacation. Of the 9.5 days I will have accrued by the end of July, at least 4 are spoken for a long weekend wedding 12+ hours away – we could fly partway but it’s in the backwoods hours from an airport so it would still be quite a trip. If I took 2 or 3 more off to spend 2 long days in the car and 2.5 days at the reunion, I will not be able to take a full week off or an actual vacation somewhere WE choose at all this year. Last time we did was last August, when we visited spouse’s family at a vacation rental for a week. I didn’t even get a week off at Christmas. Now we live in a new region with new stuff to explore, we may only be here one more year, and it seems silly to use all my time off driving all the way back to where we used to live. But we have no such vacation planned and I’m not sure where we’d go if we did.

    So the choice is to use up the vacation on 2 long weekends that are 50% driving, or save it and deal with the FOMO. WWYD?

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      I would say it depends on what you think you’ll get out of the reunion. My college does an alumni beer tasting and a wine tasting each once a year and I have a cluster of friends that I only see at those events – I really enjoy seeing that group twice every year. I think my school also does a big group “reunion” for all ages/years every year that anyone can go to but I’ve never gone to one of those.

      So I guess I’d think about whether there were specific people I wanted to reconnect with or perhaps if I had an interest in networking. Are there other alumni events throughout the year that might be easier for you to attend? Maybe homecoming? Does the school host concerts or visiting authors? I can’t speak for other schools but mine has enough alumni events (every two weeks it seems) that it’s easy to find the time to attend some of them.

      1. Overeducated*

        It would be to catch up socially with the people I liked but have not been close enough (geographically and personally) to see outside events like weddings and reunions. There is only a very small core of my college friends I have been able to see in person in the last few years. I don’t have the vacation time or money to keep up more than a few relationships through visits.

        There are local alumni events but they are more about networking and not many friends go. I do have a small group of college friends I’ve reconnected with in my new city, we get together for lunch or dinner every month or two and that’s been lovely.

    2. alex*

      Honestly I’d ditch it and save your vacation time for somewhere you and your family want to go, in your new area.
      And/or I’d reach out individually to the select people from college with whom you’d like to maintain connection. You could initiate a gathering with the college-friends group; you could even reach out now and maybe ask if others want to use the potential reunion expenses for a personal, small-group retreat (ie rent an Airbnb somewhere central!).
      At 5 years out, people may be into rekindling college affections, but after 10 years, people are in vastly different phases of life, and (in my world, at least) most either won’t attend or will show up and endure interactions that are awkward, shallow, and stilted… not worth the sacrifices you’re describing, in my honest opinion.
      I’d go for more personal, self-engineered uses of precious vacation time. Just my $.02.

      1. Overeducated*

        Thanks for your 2 cents! I hadn’t really thought about how the interaction might be different 10 years out.

    3. Sibley*

      Aside from the reunion – who’s getting married? With that kind of effort to get there, I’d skip the wedding! PTO restrictions + toddler is a really good reason to skip all sorts of things, unless you really want to go otherwise.

      1. Overeducated*

        One of my husband’s best friends who was part of his bridal party at our wedding. We debated sending only him, but it will mostly be hanging out in the woods and does sound kinda fun, so we all decided to go…hope the drive is bearable! The alternative there is extending that into the actual vacation.

        1. Overeducated*

          Ps I realized that sounded tepid – I am nervous about the drive but excited about the friend and the weekend. It is totally up to me whether to go.

        2. Mela*

          I’ve always found that if you’re making a huge effort to get to a wedding, it always feel better to tack on 3-5 days of vacation before/after. It also reduces the cost of the vacation! I’ve been able to visit recreationally Florida, Texas, Chicago, and New York, all because a wedding brought me there. It really is lovely.

    4. LCL*

      It’s always your choice. And my perspective is different than yours, because I am and will remain childless. But from what I’ve seen, I think you should be saving every scrap of leave for when your kid gets sick. And they will get sick, just from being around other kids. It sounds like you want to spend vacation with your spouse and kid, anyway.

      I hadn’t even realized college reunions were a thing. I dont know of anyone who has gone to a college reunion.

  87. Rogue*

    Anyone on here live (or have lived) in Arkansas? If so, where and tell me all about it. We’re thinking of moving to the north central region there.

    1. E*

      I’ve lived in Northwest Arkansas all my life. Weather is beautiful and there’s a ton of parks and nature to enjoy most anywhere you go. Cost of living is good too.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Arkansas is beautiful, but if you aren’t VERY conservative, it might be tough to deal with the state politics. I wouldn’t live there for ten million dollars and I don’t even like being close to it. Cost of living is less, but salaries aren’t going to be high, either.

      The weather is violent in spring, warm in summer, and cold in winter. You definitely will have seasons. The area around the Buffalo River is gorgeous. I went to summer camp close to it and boy, was that fun. There’s lots to do if you’re into outdoor activities. So it’s not all bad.

  88. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Trying to be healthier….did a bunch of exercises targeting my core (think: V-shaped exercises that strengthen abdominal muscles, since my waist-area muscles seemed loose).

    They got stronger, but my waist looks….less trim. I eat healthy (protein, fish, no meat, no carbs), I run everyday intervals (slow/fast/sprint) burning 200-300 kcal, plus walking 3 miles every day so I know it’s the core exercises. Basically, I look “skinny-fat.” Has anyone tried to slim their waist? What worked?

    1. Stephanie*

      You can’t really spot target like that, unfortunately. Just keep up with what you’re doing!

    2. Observer*

      Also, please don’t get too hung up on any one part. Especially since some of our “ideals” have nothing to do with reality. Most women don’t have really tiny waists in relation to the rest of their bodies – even women in good shape.

      Oh, and if you really aren’t eating carbs, that’s not really healthy either.

    3. Cedrus Libani*

      If you do core exercises, you’re going to get thicker muscles in your core. That’s how muscles work. (If you did a bunch of bicep curls, you wouldn’t expect your arms to get smaller, right?)

      If you can see stomach muscles, though, I’ll assume you’re reasonably lean, but have visceral fat under your abs. My suspicion is that you’re eating too much protein. Excess protein is processed more like carbs than like fat, and prompts an insulin response that can give you that skinny-fat beer belly.

      For what it’s worth, I’ve been maintaining weight on a ketogenic diet for years. I try for 80% fat calories. Yes, that takes some work – I go through a half-gallon of heavy cream per week.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      The body adjusts the way it wants to, not necessarily the way we want to.

      Does your waist just look bigger or do your pants fit poorly now? Go by the fit of your clothes, not by how you think it looks. I won’t say measure your waist because you can get the same feedback by watching how your clothes are fitting you.

      Sometimes we develop muscles which actually take up more space. I remember my husband bicycled everywhere. He got this strange muscle sticking out across his knees. He explained that happens when you bike a lot.

      Not to be too personal but make sure your bowels are working at least twice a day. For me I added in organic apple juice not from concentrate and/or oranges to keep things working correctly. You can also double check to make sure you are taking in the correct amount of water each day.

      I am not sure how long you have been at this and I am guessing it’s not real long. My suggestion is that it takes time for the body to settle into the new healthier state, so maybe you just need a little more time.

  89. MsChanandlerBong*

    Have you ever known someone who is really nice and really doesn’t do anything wrong, but they have a habit or two that just puts you right on edge? My MIL and get along great. I truly love her, and she has always been really nice to me. But sometimes I could just kill her. Every time we go somewhere, she walks around like she has no sense of where she is in relation to other people: looking up at the sky, flinging herself about. I have lupus, so it actually hurts when people jostle/bump into me. Yet everywhere we go, she’s practically sitting or standing on top of me (yes, I have told her–nicely–about it, but I do realize it’s hard to change something that you’ve been doing for 60+ years). Today, we took her to a concert for Mother’s Day. If she wasn’t talking over the music, she was humming louder than the music, and if she wasn’t doing either of those things, she was slurping her ice cream cone so loudly that it drowned out the music! (It was a concert in the park, and people always walk around and talk–it wasn’t a regular orchestra performance where you’d sit quietly, or else I would have just asked her to pipe down).

    I’m not even mad. I am just sitting here laughing at the absurdity of it.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      >I’m not even mad. I am just sitting here laughing at the absurdity of it.
      IMHO you have a good response to the situation. Why waste energy and hormones getting angry when you could be laughing?

      >slurping her ice cream cone so loudly that it drowned out the music!
      I’m impressed. That takes some talent. Again, it’s good that you chose to laugh. :-D

  90. nep*

    A while back someone posted on the weekend thread about bloating — starting out OK but then the bloat getting increasingly worse throughout the day. I don’t recall whether this came up, but clearly some sugar alcohols will do that. Today I had a stark reminder when I ate just a bit of a protein bar — a kind I’d purposefully not eaten in a while because it contains maltitol. After just a couple of bites my stomach was bloated and miserable. It was as if I could watch it expand.
    Anyway if that person happens to read this — check whether anything you’re consuming has these sugar substitutes. Keep us posted — I’ll be interested to hear what helps.

  91. Going anon for this one*

    Two of my nephews are graduating from high school next month (stepbrothers) and it looks like I won’t be able to go. One of the boys was my sister’s stepson, before she divorced his dad a couple of years ago, and my ex-BIL is being a bit of a butthead about not wanting any of us at the ceremony. When he and my sister were married, he was totally fine with her doing all the work of arranging visitations and transportation and so on, but now that they’re divorced, suddenly he’s REALLY invested in being there and REALLY invested in not having her (and therefore us) there. That nephew’s mom pretty much said, “I hate this but I do not want to die on this hill, so if he insists, please plan on coming some other weekend.”

    No advice needed, just venting.

Comments are closed.