weekend free-for-all – May 20-21, 2017

by Alison Green on May 20, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Twenty-One Balloons, by William Pene du Bois. A retired teacher is shipwrecked on Krakatoa, where he discovers a tiny, hidden, and very rich society of 20 families who spend their time on cooking and inventions, which sounds weird but it’s awesome. This is my favorite kids’ book, and I still love it to this day.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,231 comments }

{ 1,231 comments… read them below }

  1. Mischa*

    Any recommendations for running shorts that don’t bunch up in the middle? I have fairly thick thighs and running in the humidity in leggings is the worst. Not entirely worried about price if the quality is good.

    1. regina phalange*

      I would recommend a running skirt. I used one for the last half marathon I ran and I loved it!

      1. Ribbon*

        I also love a running skirt! I have two from Athleta that have grippy things on the legs so they don’t ride up, and I wear them all summer long even when not running.

    2. Joie De Vivre*

      What works for me is short shorts ( inseam 3 inches or less) with a split leg and using body Glide.

    3. Whats In A Name*

      I wear fitted shorts to run in the summer. LuLu Lemon has a pair with pockets big enough to slide your cell phone into and if you can catch them on final clearance or at an outlet you can get a good deal on them. They have silicone around the leg so they don’t ride up; I am pretty thick-thighed to and can’t do traditional running shorts without loads of chafing or riding up.

      1. Grumpy*

        Seconding Lulu. Run Times or Hotty Hots (long). On clearance, if possible because they are getting expensive. I think the liner stops them from bunching or riding up. And the multiple pockets on the correct side of the drawstring are useful.

      2. Mischa*

        I tried on Lululemon’s Run Times and they are definitely not made with a size 10 lady in mind. I loved the fabric, the fit was not stellar.

    4. Stephanie*

      I like Bermuda-length running shorts. They’re usually more fitted than your average loose running shorts, but you don’t have the issue of them riding up.

    5. gsa*

      I played collegiate futbol many moons ago. Any one who could not touch their knees together reasonably used vaseline on their thighs. Both men and women did this. Not an answer about shorts, but maybe a good work around.

    6. AlaskaKT*

      I also have thick thighs. I prefer fitted shorts in hot weather, so I use baby powder on my thighs so they don’t stick. My shorts are generally to short to ride up though!

    7. Jen*

      I often just buy my size in men’s shorts. Women’s shorts are often just too short.

    8. Corrvin*

      This may be too steamy in the hottest weather, but long boxer briefs under the shorts let them slide back down. My chafe zone is the top 4″ though, if yours is longer maybe try a longer spandex underlayer?

    9. Liane*

      I hope this is close enough to OP to piggy-back.
      College Daughter asked me about how to keep her thighs from rubbing together/chaffing when she wears shorts (not for running). I suggested longer ones, but she says her thighs are too big for longer ones to fit right. She has a tall, slim build.
      Any suggestions?

    10. ThatAspie*

      Shorts are actually very easy to make. You can get the fabric and a pattern at your local craft store, or you can find them online (online shopping sites will have both, picture sites and the like will have patterns). I’ve made pairs of shorts for myself before, so I can attest to how easy it was (I was still a kid when I made them!) And the great thing about making your own is that you can choose the fabric and custom-fit it just for you, meaning that you don’t have the limitations of store-bought shorts (trying to find ones you like that fit you, fitting in one area but not in another, etc.)

    1. Snorlax*

      I watch it! I was verrrrrry surprised by last night’s elimination. I thought she had a shot to win it. But you can’t come to the lip sync unprepared like that!

    3. Cristina in England*

      I am happy to be able to watch over here legally without having to wait a year this time! I am replying without reading the other responses because I am not caught up, also wanted to say thanks for not posting spoilers in the top comment.

    4. BRR*

      I’m not in shock she went home.
      *spoilers*
      She was good but usually because she did her homework. I definitely didn’t expect her in the top three. I was surprised she didn’t know her words.

    5. Hrovitnir*

      Oh wow. I read this comment before I watched it, and the reactions here made me suspect who it was. I didn’t expect it to be quite that… dramatic though. O_O

      I must say, I enjoyed Carson’s look for the runway though.

    6. Madame X*

      I WAS SHOOKETH! I really was not expecting her to go out like that. I am convinced that had she known the lyrics, she would have been the one to stay this week. Her runway look was certainly better than the one who got to stay. I thought that she would have been in the top 4 at least (and maybe top 3). It was a sad way to go.

    7. Cristina in England*

      Just watched it. Yeah I thought she would have gone further than that but just like the week before, a bit of hubris ended up costing big! I mean, she said she blanked but I suspect that was because she didn’t think it would be her.

  3. Ramona Flowers*

    It’s been a stressful week, so I’d like to amuse myself by asking the following:

    What’s your favourite so-bad-it’s-good film?

    Mine is Blow Dry, which stars Alan Rickman and Bill Nighy as rival hairdressers in a cutthroat hairdressing competition. In Yorkshire. With bad fake accents and people sabotaging each other’s hairdryers. It’s. Amazing.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Showgirls. The acting is terrible, for the most part. The dialogue is badly written. Even the “sex” is hilariously unsexy. The whole thing is a trainwreck that’s delightful to watch with a group and make fun of.

      1. CS Rep by Day, Writer by Night*

        I just introduced my 19 year old daughter to Showgirls last night. We had a ball yelling at the screen for two hours. :D

      2. evilintraining*

        “Up in Smoke” is one; “The Hollywood Knights” is another. Hey, I’m a ’70s girl!

      3. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

        Funny story about Showgirls.. I saw the edited version on tv one night with my mom while a freshman or sophomore in high school, and we thought it was hilarious! So I’m at the mall about a month later at an old-school version of Gamestop (FYE) and asked about it, and the sales associated directed me to the NC-17 section and promptly sells it to me, a 14-year-old. I’ll never forget watching the unedited version with Mom and she’s like, I don’t remember the tv version being so graphic, perhaps I should have screened this, but you can’t unsee it now so just don’t let your friends borrow it.

      4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        I was living in Vegas at the time this was filmed and its like going back in time to when it was just starting to get commercial and corporate. That mall at Caesar’s with the changing sky was MINDBLOWING in the early 90s.

        I use “its a Versayce” ALL THE TIME. Because how could you not? And the cast is amazing, especially with Elizabeth Berkley’s way over acting. Like Gershon, Maclachlan, Davi all KNEW they were making a future camp classic but no one clued in Berkley.

    2. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. As a friend at the time put it, you cannot appreciate this movie while sober.

        1. MicroManagered*

          Same!

          My husband and I have made at least one decision by flipping a frozen pizza as well.

      3. Your Weird Uncle*

        Haha! The other day I shouted at my coworker, ‘I’m right on top of that Rose!’ and we both burst out laughing. :D

      4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        The creepy coworker of Rose who hit on Sue Ellen was on Better Call Saul the other week as the head of the Bar Association review board. I totally couldn’t place the guy until I read AV Club and someone pointed it out! Then.. I squeeeed!

        Love this movie though – especially the “fashion show”. And where the hell did that house get a pool from at the END of the movie? And how far out into the valley WAS it?

        I better rewatch this again tonight.

        1. Pinyata*

          OMG THANK YOU – I could not for the life of me figure out where I knew that guy from.

    4. Sofia*

      It might not be thaaaat hadn’t but Life Happens. It’s a rom com about two best friends and roommates who fight over the last condom and one gets pregnant.

    5. Fenchurch*

      Favorite would be Drive Me Crazy. Gotta love the 90s teen movie genre for gems like this :)

        1. LCL*

          Think imma look for the chords to Benson Arizona and add it to my acoustic guitar music. I remember it as being a really simple country song.

    7. GiantPanda*

      The Core.

      The Earth’s magnetic core has stopped rotating; unless it can be restarted everybody and everything will die within a year or two. A team of terranauts (Aaron Eckhart, Hilary Swank) travels down there with a few nukes to give it a kick.

      1. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

        +1 to The Core! So much of the dialogue is cheesy but I love it!

      2. hermit crab*

        There are so many terrible/wonderful disaster movies! San Andreas (the one with The Rock from a couple years ago) was magnificent, and I really have a soft spot for The Day After Tomorrow for some reason (even the horrible CGI wolves). Then of course there are classics like The Devil At 4 O’Clock and The Towering Inferno. And if you really want to prove your disaster movie cred, there’s the amazing made-for-TV Lightning Bolts of Destruction.

        My favorite genre of movies is “Will Smith saves the world” but I’d argue that those are actually good and not so-bad-they’re-good.

        1. Gov Worker*

          Yes to San Andreas and The Day After Tomorrow. I love disaster flicks!
          Dare I say it…Titanic.

      4. Jen*

        I am not kidding, I watched The Core with my spouse on our first date. He had bought it in a tub if 99c movies and I insisted I did warn him it was bad.

        My favorite so bad it’s good has to be a tie between Judge Dredd or Demolition Man (both Stallone).

        1. Tedious Cat*

          I still can’t decide if I think Demolition Man is so bad it’s good or so good it’s good. Either way, I love that movie!

      5. just some girl*

        Here’s another vote for The Core! There was the funniest “things I learned from The Core” thread on the IMDB message board. I wish I had copied it before the boards went away.

    8. super anon*

      I’ve always loved The Room. I especially like it with the Rifftrax audio dub over top of it – it makes the unbearably long and uncomfortably unsexy sex scenes more manageable to sit through.

        1. Snorlax*

          The Room (cheese fest from 2003) is not to be confused with Room (the Brie Larson 2015 film). :)

          1. Audiophile*

            Oh I know. Side note: the Brie Larson movie is good and I certainly hope no one is confusing the two. Pretty sure Screen Junkies made a reference to this in one of their “Honest Trailers.”

            I think I just blocked those scenes out, I’m pretty sure this is a good thing.

        2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          You don’t recall a scene with a red dress? :P

          If you love The Room you NEED to read The Disaster Artist that Greg Sisteros wrote about the making of. A wonderful book very well written that gives insight not only into the filming but Tommy Wiseau as well. I’ve read it more times than I’ve seen The Room. It also explains things like: the spoons, “Hi Doggy!”, the football tossing in oversized tuxes, the weird cityscape and lighting, and, of course, “Oh hai, Mark!” after a completely inappropriate joke.

          1. Audiophile*

            I just found a clip on Youtube, yeah now I unfortunately remember it. “Three’s a crowd.”

            Both football scenes. I think the first one is funnier than the second, if for no other reason than the dialogue about underwear.

    9. katamia*

      Killer Klowns from Outer Space. The Room. Batman and Robin. And apparently Center Stage could be considered so bad it’s good, but it was basically my favorite movie for all of high school, and I still use it a lot as background noise when I work.

      1. Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool*

        I love Center Stage! The dance sequences at the end are my favorite! In high school, I’d listen to it every morning while doing my hair and getting dressed.

        1. katamia*

          Yeah, I had the VHS and watched the big end ballet just on its own all the time. I also bought (and still have on my phone, lol) the official soundtrack.

    10. LCL*

      Tommy. I loved and still love The Who. I don’t think the movie is bad, just surreal.

    13. Sherm*

      There was a soap-ish show called Pasadena. I was hooked, the lead Dana Delaney was fantastic in it, but alas, IIRC it aired on a Friday night and was hardly promoted.

    14. Mimmy*

      Mommie Dearest!! I actually watched it as a kid. Faye Dunaway is so over the top, and the editing is horrendous. But you cannot deny that “Nooo… Wire… HANGERS!!!!!!!” is a cheesy, classic line! ;)

    16. Torrance*

      Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The movie with Kristy Swanson & Luke Perry. My love for the movie is what inspired me to watch the show in the first place. (It’s also got a really great soundtrack and that can make up for a multitude of sins.)

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Oh yes, this is probably second on my list. The script is amazing. “That’s not a name. It’s a fish.”

    18. namelesscommentator*

      Clueless and mean girls.

      But I fully consider them both so good they’re good ;)

      1. Fifty Foot Commute*

        I was wondering if things like that counted or not. If so, add Drop Dead Gorgeous, which is good times one million and also super cheesy.

          1. Chocolate Teapot*

            I thought Drop Dead Gorgeous was very dark, and certainly not the light frothy comedy it first appeared.

            1. Fifty-Foot Commute*

              I heard somewhere that they had originally screened an alternate ending where Gladys commits suicide but decided against it because it was too dark. I kind of think that would have made more sense (and, like you said, it’s not like it isn’t dark already), but the ending is really the least important part of that movie.

      2. Fog*

        I *hated* Mean Girls in high school, because it encapsulated everything I hated about high school.

        I absolutely love it now… for the exact same reason.

      3. Emily*

        Yeah, I’m not even sure those are bad, though I can see why someone might! :)

        I really like Clueless – it’s silly, but it has such heart. (As I’ve gotten older, I’ve begun to appreciate girly “teen” movies that I didn’t watch in my actual teens – things like She’s the Man, 10 Things I Hate About You, etc.)

    19. Lily Evans*

      Valentine’s Day. It tried and failed to be Love, Actually and got terrible reviews, but for whatever reason I can’t help loving it!

      Also my sister and I were obsessed with Killer Klowns from Outer Space when we were younger for whatever reason, that one’s good for a laugh!

    20. The Cosmic Avenger*

      The Toxic Avenger. (And that was before I ever thought of using this pseudonym!)

    22. Tau*

      Sherlock Holmes, the 2010 film. Because “so bad it’s good” is basically the definition of a Sherlock Holmes film that involves dinosaurs, a steampunk giant squid and Mycroft the Cyberman.

    25. Elizabeth West*

      Probably Total Recall, with Ahnold. That movie is so dumb it absolutely kills me.

      Favorite quotes:
      “I got five kids to feed!”
      “COHAAGEN! GIB DESE PE-PUL AYAH!”

    26. Kj*

      Eulogy. It is about a girl whose crazy Grandpa died and asked her to write the eulogy. Her family is nuts and everything is awful, but it is some how crazy fun and fun.

      Adventures in Babysitting. Teen takes easy job watching kid, ends up on the side of a skyscraper with kid, kids brother, and kids brothers friend. Oh, and Thor is invoked

      1. Cruciatus*

        And “Thor” is played by Vincent D’Onofrio! As a kid I didn’t know who that was, but years later I was rewatching the movie and at that point had seen 5000 episodes of Law & Order and realized that it was Vincent D’Onofrio.

    27. Someone*

      Iron Sky: Some Nazis survived on the moon and are planning to take over the earth.
      Big Game: A boy who’s out hunting in Finland and the president of the USA try to flee the terrorists who shot down the president’s plane.

      Both films are entirely crazy and don’t take themselves serious.

    28. CatCat*

      Oooommmgggg, I just remembered the movie “Robot Jox.” Giant battle robots! Kind of like “Pacific Rim,” but before there were such fancy pants special effects. Not much by way of plot or acting, but I’d totes watch it again.

    30. Emily*

      Jupiter Ascending!

      I know that the plot is kind of a mess, but it is so pretty. And I feel like there was a lot of really interesting behind-the-scenes worldbuilding and backstory going on, even if the movie didn’t get to explore most of it.

      (The anti-gravity boots that work because of “differential equations”, though, that’s just silly.)

    32. Sarah*

      Repo! the Genetic Opera. It’s a near-future dystopia operatic musical about a future where you can finance your organ replacements (and accordingly have them reposessed if you can’t pay). Anthony Stewart Head is a bright light in an otherwise hilariously terrible set of actors, and Paris Hilton is in it, for some reason.

  5. Penny*

    Has anyone ever attended life-coaching before? My mom swears by one she did long ago, said it helped her when going through her divorce, being a single mom to me, and figuring out what would make her happy with life, career and otherwise. She’s recommended I do one because I’ve felt a bit directionless in my post-college years. I’ve done counseling for my depression and anxiety but they couldn’t help me in terms of more broad life guidelines. The life coaching can be expensive but my family is offering to pay a few sessions as a birthday gift. Has anyone tried one and say it helped?

    1. Whats In A Name*

      I have never tried it but have friends who have and swear by it. Some only a few sessions, some on a more ongoing basis like therapy. I think if your family is willing to pay for it you should give it a try – never know!

    2. Lluviata*

      @Penny

      If you have time to explain a little. . . what is life coaching?

      I’m considering a career change after 6 years, and I’ve wanted some help but keep running into dead ends. How did your mom find a life coach?

      Please ignore this if you’d rather not derail!

      1. Penny*

        Well, my mom’s life coach was a friend of her’s who kind of bullied my mom into doing it, which she is forever grateful for. My mom said she’d reach out to that friend to see if she was still doing the life coaching but could probably make recommendations even if she wasn’t actively doing it. I would assuming you just start Net searching for something local, similar to what I did when looking for a counselor.

        I do know there are different kinds of life coaching. Like a friend of a friend does a coaching that she calls ‘Say Yes’, which is mainly about empowering people to embrace new things in their lives (anyone seen the Jim Carrey movie ‘Yes Man’? kinda like that). I’m not going that route because I want a little more guidance than I think she usually does. Also while my mom did some one-on-one with her coach, she said what was most helpful to her was a weekend long retreat she did with several coaches and their attendees, so there’s even different styles/techniques.

        I understand how you feel about the career change because I think that’s the main point of my directionless-ness, as a six year post-college person who still doesn’t even know if my problem is the terrible workplaces I’ve ended up in or the work path in general. I wish there was a career coach (Ask a Manager blog and community is the closest I’ve come to that!), but I feel like the life coaching will be a step in the right direction. Hope that helps, I’m happy to chat more since I’m still trying to figure out this stuff myself.

    3. LizB*

      I did ~nine months of life coaching for free through a job I had, and it actually worked really well for me! My life coach was so positive while still holding me accountable, and we got along really well. Before every session (which were generally phone calls), she had me fill out a little list of what I had accomplished, what I wished I had accomplished that I didn’t, and what I was grateful for, and then we’d talk through things on that list or anything else I wanted to chat about. She was great with challenging me on my assumptions and helping me see all the things I was actually doing well, which gave me motivation to keep working towards where I wanted to be. It really changed my perspective on how much power I have to make changes in my life, and also helped teach me that if I don’t want to make changes, that’s fine, because I’m not broken.

      1. AliceBD*

        So, this description from LizB is exactly what I’ve done with a therapist. I’m not sure of the difference between life coaching and therapy, other than certifications/school.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I did life coaching when my husband died. I felt that I needed to take charge in the direction of my life.. but how.

      At $75 per hour, she was a lot less expensive than that psychiatrist I went to when my father died. And the doc was a waste of my time, I wanted to talk about things in the future and he only could talk about things in the past.

      For me, I wanted someone similar to me. I wanted someone who totally understood when I said I could not get the tractor started to blow snow. I did not want to have to explain why seemingly basic things might be a huge problem. I deliberately chose a woman who appeared to be about ten years older than me.

      As people have said here, she was happy, upbeat and she held me accountable for staying on track.
      I am not so sure she thinks she did a good job with me. But I managed to build a new circle of friends, rework all my finances, find new work and join some volunteer activities. We talked about other stuff which I never quite got to, that is why her perspective might be different. But I am happy with how my life landed.
      Unlike going to the shrink, I would jump out of bed the day I had an appointment with the life coach. She gave me homework. I had to do stuff before the next appointment. To help with finances we could met over the phone and/or I could do half hour appointments instead of full hours.
      They mostly work with what you tell them. So if you are wondering about a career they will talk mostly about that, finding a career that fits the life you want. Make sure you tell your life coach everything you want to talk about.

      I would highly recommend life coaching. Not being sure of your direction in life cannot possibly be helping your depression. It’s probably adding to it if anything. I vote for going. And remember you do not have to map out your whole life, you only have to figure out where you want to start anew. I found it uplifting because it was an investment in me and my future.

      1. Whats In A Name*

        I like this response and it has me wondering if I might need to seek a life coach instead of a new therapist – my therapist is closing her practice. But I really am trying to focus on the future; not the past. thank you for sharing your insight and story here.

    5. Kj*

      Life coaching is an unregulated title, so anyone can say they are a ‘life coach’ without training. There are no standards and the education of life coaches varies quite a bit. If you are looking for career and goal planning, licensed therapists are sometimes trained in career coaching and your insurance or an EAP might cover it. I’m wary of life coaches- again, they aren’t regulated and they charge a lot without bring responsible for professional standards and ethics

    6. Cedrus Libani*

      I did a life-coaching event during college. I thought it was helpful, in the global sense of taking a few days to take stock of my life. And it was life-changing in the personal sense, because I realized that I wasn’t the only person who was struggling. I have anxiety and OCD, and perceived myself as a uniquely broken piece of crap. Not true; jerk-brain is unfortunately part of the human condition.

    7. a Gen X manager*

      Yes! I’ve had a life coach in the past and it was beneficial in expanding my perspective. I’ve had a professional executive coach for several years now and it has literally changed my professional and personal life in more ways than I could ever possibly count. It’s fairly expensive, my organization pays for it and it has paid for itself at least 20 times over in effectiveness and strategic growth. I think everyone should have coaching!

      The coaching is fantastic because it focuses on real life instead of focusing on the past (like therapy). Sometimes things from the past come up and are tied into a cause and effect, but on the whole it is about moving forward in a healthy, effective way.

  6. Sugar of lead*

    Let’s play a game: what’s a TV show you like from back when that barely anyone’s heard of and that probably got cancelled after one or two seasons?

    I’ll start: Wonderfalls. One of Bryan Fuller’s early works about a disillusioned twentysomething retail clerk (Caroline Dhavernas) who starts hearing inanimate objects like a wax lion and a ceramic cow telling her what to do. When she disobeys them, terrible things happen. Her friends think she’s a bit nuts. Also has Lee Pace as her brother.

    What underappreciated audiovisual marvels have you guys got?

    1. Penny*

      Oh I loved Wonderfalls!!! I really wish it had continued, it was so good!

      My go-to is Firefly but less well known is a sitcom called The Class. I thought it was really funny, even though I don’t remember much about it.

      One that was cancelled this past year was Conviction with Hayley Atwell. I’ve gotten really bored with crime dramas over the years but Conviction was interesting because they were reviewing settled cases to see if the facts still held up. I thought it was really engaging.

      1. Professional Cat Lady*

        I was so sad when Conviction was cancelled halfway through the run! Hayes was an interesting character (even if she got a few tropey storylines attached to her), and the show was fun.

      2. Triceratops*

        Yesss I also loved Conviction! + I have the hugest crush on Hayley Atwell and watching her play a bi lady was 10/10

    2. Gumshoe*

      Another Bryan Fuller-Lee Pace visual masterpiece – Pushing Daisies. One of the most beautifully shot television shows I’ve seen.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I loved Pushing Daisies! It was the first show that made me appreciate Kristen Chenowith. I was so sad when it got cancelled.

      2. Myrin*

        I was just about to say that! It was so bizarre and weird yet at the same time visually stunning and super charming and fun.

      5. CatCat*

        I loved that show so much. Have you seen the Netflix version of “A Series of Unfortunate Events”? It reminded me a lot of Pushing Daisies in terms of the feel of the show. Beautifully surreal and charming while also quite morbid.

    3. Fenchurch*

      I’ve got a couple:

      Better Off Ted – very clever and fun show that only ran for a couple of seasons.

      Best Friends Forever / Playing House – two different shows with the same actress duo (Lennon Parham & Jessica St. Clair) getting into shenanigans. Neither ran for very long sadly.

      Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23 – also just a couple of seasons but a great show!

        2. Sononymous*

          I could never fully appreciate that one. I went to college with one of the stars of the show (we were in the same theater program) and she was such a diva that I experience such wonderful schadenfreude whenever any of her shows get cancelled. Needless to say, there have been a few.

            1. Sononymous*

              Ha! Does that violate some unspoken forum rule? I will say, she was also in Joey. :)

          2. Sarah*

            This must happen a lot. One of the theater majors from my alma mater is getting big now (she’s had a big part in at least one major movie and one huge Broadway show) and she was the biggest diva in the program. I can’t watch anything she’s in.

    4. Lin2*

      Agent Carter. Granted the second season wasn’t as strong as the first (and probably had too many cliches) but the cast was wonderful and there was still so much potential for stories (especially considering the huge time gap there remained between the show and the movie-verse). Also it ended on a cliffhanger, so that was annoying.

    5. Anonymous Educator*

      Cupid, Selfie, and Agent Carter are the ones that come to mind immediately.

      1. Professional Cat Lady*

        Selfie was so good! It was charming and fun, and just finding it’s feet when it got cancelled.

      2. Audiophile*

        Which Cupid – 98 version with Jeremy Piven or the 09 version with Bobby Cannavale?

        1. Violet Strange*

          Jeremy Piven! I loved the 98 show and still drink Rusty Nails in its honor.

        3. Jules the First*

          Jeremy Piven – wit! In Latin! I can’t believe this one hasn’t made it onto Netflix or Amazon yet…

          There was also the tv show Mr & Mrs Smith which (I think) inspired the movie but was waaaaay less successful and only lasted what, eight episodes?

    6. Ramona Flowers*

      I remember hearing about Wonderfalls and wanting to see it.

      And I’m going to have to say My So-Called Life.

      2. MicroManagered*

        It was after Y2K before I finally accepted My So-Called Life wasn’t returning…

    7. PB*

      Wonderfalls was great! So under appreciated.

      I really liked “The Good Guys.” It was a buddy cop show by Matt Nix of Burn Notice fame, but much lighter and more fun. It only lasted a season.

    8. evilintraining*

      “Arnie.” I feel like I’m just about the only person who remembers that one!

      1. Thlayli*

        Omg I LOVED sea quest. The guy with the gills was my teenage crush. Must look him up on imdb.

        1. Ytka*

          Omg, I loved Piccolo (played by Michael Deluise). Dave Franco is my current crush if you’re into that same type.

          1. Thlayli*

            Must look him up. I IMDb’ michael deluise and was disappointed to discover sea quest was the high point for him so far. I thought he was a great actor as well as being hot.

    10. katamia*

      Odyssey 5: 5 people happen to be on a spaceship (some astronauts, some not) when the Earth is destroyed. Some kind of Powerful Being sends them back in time several years to prevent it from happening, where they promptly mess up their lives horribly by trying to fix personal life issues while also trying to figure out the bad guys’ plan and stop the Earth’s destruction. What was made ends with a major plot twist, and it’s killing me even now that I don’t know how it ends.

      I’d love to see more Better Off Ted and Don’t Trust the B, too.

    11. JJJJShabado*

      Knights of Prosperity (a.k.a Let’s Rob Mick Jagger) with Donal Logue and pre-Modern Family Sofia Vergara. It didn’t last the entire first season (last handful were put on-line), but it was goofy and I enjoyed it.

        1. Damn it, Hardison!*

          I just finished re-watching Terriers. I wish there were more seasons.

      2. Tedious Cat*

        Oh, I loved Knights of Prosperity! “Your name… is Reginald Butts… and you got shot… in the panic room!”

    12. LCL*

      Wizards and Warriors. Post Taxi Jeff Conway, before he lost his looks to hard living. Blink and you missed it, I think it was one season.
      Soap. A prime time parody of soap operas. Billy Crystal’s breakout role. I’m sure a lot of the humor is dated and unenlightened, I have the DVD set somewhere but never watched it. It was actually a hit back in the day.

      1. Rainy, PI*

        Oh man, we watched Wizards and Warriors when I was a kid and I loved it so much!

    13. Your Weird Uncle*

      Nearly Departed, starring Eric Idle. He plays a ghost who, along with his ghost-wife, live in a house where no one can see them except for the grandfather who lives with his oblivious family. I remember it being awesome, but I was maybe 9 and I’m sure I’d be cringing if I watched it in rerun now. Still, barely anyone has heard of this one!

    14. CatCat*

      Nowhere Man.

      A 90s conspiracy type show. A photographer takes pictures of American soldiers hanging some men. After, a shadowy organization basically wipes out his identity and pursues him to get the negatives.

      2. Mimmy*

        I was going to say this one as well – my husband and I watched it a few years ago–I don’t remember if it had re-aired or if it was on Netflix. I think he watched it when it first aired, but I’d never seen it. Loved seeing a young James Franco :)

    16. Merci Dee*

      My two big ones were Moonlight and Gravity Falls.

      Moonlight ran for a single season in 2007, but it introduced me to Alex O’Loughlin, and I loved him. Granted, Moonlight was a blatant rip-off of Forever Knight from 1992 (vampire detective falls in love with mortal woman), but I loved Mick’s inner dialogue between scenes.

      Gravity Falls was a kid’s show on Disney XD for 2 seasons, starting in 2012. I don’t care that this was a cartoon – the show was freaking phenomenal. Alex Hirsch, the creator, was a flipping genius. Basic plot line – twin Dipper and Mabel Pines visit their con artist great-uncle Stan for the summer in Gravity Falls, Oregon. Tons of monsters, ghouls, and supernatural highjinx ensue. It’s like a mix of Twin Peaks and X-Files. It doesn’t matter that my kid and I have seen every episode, like, a million times. Every time an episode comes on, we’re glued to the TV to watch it again. So many quotable lines, it’s insane (“today I learned that morality is relative!”).

      1. Myrin*

        Gravity Falls is a masterpiece! Which reminds me that my sister and I still haven’t seen the final episodes (they came out here only last year, but still) – we are simultaneously excited and forgetful about them! But yeah, honestly one of the best series that ever existed, especially with the insane secondary layer of secrets.

        1. Merci Dee*

          OMG! Watch the Weirdmageddons, watch the Weirdmageddons!

          Gideon Gleeful has the best line in the whole three-part ending. Wendy breaks the arm of one of his prison buddies, and he cried out, “Ghost Eyes! My hench-angel!”

          Watch them soon, and let me know what you think!

    17. Candy*

      These are probably only known to Canadians but:

      Twitch City. It aired for two seasons on CBC in the late 90s/early 2000s and I loved it. A shut-in (Don McKellar) watches a lot of TV and has rotating roommates, including the totally delightful Molly Parker. It was really great.

      Also: Our Hero, another two-season CBC show from the early 2000s about a teenager with a zine that really spoke to me at the time (as a teenager with a zine)

      1. esra (also a Canadian)*

        My university favourite gone-too-soon CBC show was What It’s Like Being Alone. Unfortunately I think I might be the only person who watched it.

    18. Annie Mouse*

      Dollhouse, never come across anyone else who’s seen it. It’s a Joss Whedon show that was cancelled after two seasons.

      2. Rainy, PI*

        I’ve seen a couple of episodes. I didn’t like it much, though I wanted to.

        2. Kj*

          You have to watch past the first 6 episodes to get into it. I watched the first episode and stopped, then my boyfriend at the time forced me to watch the whole season and it was really compelling- the story is awesome and powerful, but the first season drags something awful in places. I liked the world Whedon created- but then, that is what he excellent at.

      3. hermit crab*

        I watched it on Netflix a few years ago! I liked the procedural episodes a lot but I thought the apocalypse-plot ones were kind of a drag.

      4. Thlayli*

        I have both seasons on DVD. I agree the apocalypse ones were bad. What really killed the show for me was when they made a plot twist and utterly changed one of the main characters motives. Which made you feel cheated by the entire show.

        And the whole backstory was pretty bad too.

        it was a shame coz the characters were awesome and the premise was really good.

      5. Felicia*

        I loved Dollhouse! At least it had a final-ish ending. Another show starring Eliza Dushku that was cancelled before it’s time which I loved, Tru Calling, ended in a total cliffhanger.

      7. esra (also a Canadian)*

        I watched it while it was on. I think I might be the only person who really didn’t like the Epitaphs.

      9. Pat Benetardis*

        Totally love this. And the guy who played Victor was an amazing actor, I can’t believe he’s not a giant star.

    19. Clever Name*

      Dolphin Cove. Set in Australia about a family (after the mom died) who run a dolphin sanctuary. We were devastated when it was cancelled, and my mom actually wrote the network a letter asking them to not cancel it.

    20. Tedious Cat*

      Eyes. It ran on ABC in 2005. Tim Daly as the brilliant, somewhat amoral head of a private investigation firm. Clever, sexy, and lots of fun spy gadgets.

    21. Finny*

      Team Knight Rider, Earth 2, Young Hercules, and Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog are my top picks in that category. Fortunately, both Earth 2 and Young Hercules have made it to DVD. I still keep hoping TKR and Mystic Knights get released at some point, possibly by Shout Factory, who released Young Hercules.

      1. Amadeo*

        I wouldn’t hold your breath for TKR. It was so stupid, but I loved it for what it was anyway. Beast and Duke and Dante and Kyle seemed to be the only pairs that really had much in the way of development. The rest of them kind of annoyed me.

        I *do* have it on DVD, but they are not, ahem, official copies.

      2. Christina*

        Young Hercules! Ah, Ryan Gosling before he was a meme…

        And ha, yes, I remember Mystic Knights, too! Do you remember Roar with Heath Ledger?

    22. Ramona Flowers*

      I forgot Pond Life and Stressed Eric. Both animated series with neurotic protagonists.

    23. Rainy, PI*

      Marblehead Manor
      Drive (SIX EPISODES ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, FOX)
      Wizards and Warriors (“You can talk to animals?” “It’s a gift; my uncle Torquil gave it to me.”)
      Freaks & Geeks

    24. Fifty Foot Commute*

      Wonderfalls! (I finally got my first wax animal a few years ago, having been looking ever since.)

      John Doe and The Pretender (which had four seasons and a movie, but I still find people don’t know it).

          1. NotoriousMCG*

            Literally Early Edition is burned into my memory – not because I super loved it (I was so young I can’t really remember anything about it) but just because it was one of many things that my mom could NEVER get the name correctly even though she was the one who loves that show. Early Edition = First Edition, Hello Kitty = My Little Kitty, etc

      2. Jules the First*

        There was a pretender movie? My sister and I watched that show religiously….

    25. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I second Wonderfalls*, My So-Called Life*, Firefly*, Playing House (which wasn’t cancelled, it was renewed!), Selfie, Agent Carter, Freaks & Geeks*, and Dollhouse. (The * means I own the box set, which means I have ripped them to my Plex streaming media server, which gives you a Netflix-like experience.)

      And I’ll add (all ones I own and have ripped): Greg the Bunny, Dark Angel, and The Oblongs.

    26. Elkay*

      Alcatraz
      The prison didn’t shut, all the prisoners disappeared in an incident and the closing was a cover up story. Prisoners started reappearing in the present day. I loved it.

      1. Tedious Cat*

        Oh man, I loved Alcatraz! Such a great cast. I wish we could have gotten another season to answer some questions.

    27. Liane*

      Sunshine, a ’70s comedy-drama about a young widower, who played in a band and was raising his little girl. It lasted a season and used the John Denver song “Sunshine on My Shoulders” as the theme music. Bill Mummy (Lost in Space, Babylon 5) played one of the bad members.
      Many years later when I had kids I talked to him at a con and mentioned Sunshine to him. He was surprised anyone remembered it. I told him, ” One, my dad and I were *living* that plot. Two, the child actor who played the daughter had the same surname as us. “

      1. katamia*

        I’ve never seen Cop Rock, but it always sounded like the sort of thing I would absolutely love. I need to get around to watching it one of these days.

    29. OperaArt*

      My second choice is Dead Like Me. Someone already mentioned my first choice, Pushing Up Daisies.

      2. Professional Cat Lady*

        I forgot about Dead Like Me, but that’s one of my all time favorites. Might need to rewatch it soon.

      1. Stephanie*

        Oh man. I forgot about that show. I wanted to go to high school on a boat so badly.

    31. Rookie Manager*

      Apart from some awesome shows already mentioned I’d say The Closer/ Major Crimes. They may be popular elsewhere but I know of precisely 1 person in my wider social circle that watches (d) them.

      1. caledonia*

        I love both the closer and major crimes! They have episode reviews on the spoilertv website if you want to hang out in the web world with other fans!

    32. Ann Furthermore*

      Homefront, which was about WW2 vets coming home after the war, and started a very young Kyle Chandler. Loved that show.

      I also loved Journeyman, a time travel show which was on a few years ago, starring Kevin McKidd.

      And I absolutely loved a show called Eyes, with Tim Daly as a snarky private eye who owned his own agency. It was so funny, but only lasted 5 or 6 episodes.

      1. Tedious Cat*

        I finally got to see the whole run of Eyes — the entire season aired in New Zealand, so it’s floating around on the internet. My favorite episode was the one with Joe Spano as the corrupt judge.

    33. caledonia*

      Mine would be:

      Aussie teen series Heartbreak High from the mid-90’s.
      Being Erica which was a slightly oddball – but brilliant – series from Canada.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I loved Being Erica. I totally want to see Doctor Tom for time travel therapy.

    35. Pharmgirl88*

      I loved The Riches with Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver – about a family of travelers who end up taking on the identity of a wealthier family.

    36. Elizabeth West*

      These are excruciatingly old and probably nobody but me will remember them, but

      –Police Squad! (1982). It only ran for six episodes, but was the basis for the Naked Gun movies, which oddly I have not seen. It was SO FUNNY. There was a character named Al who was too tall for his head to show onscreen (you never saw his face, only his body from the shoulders down). One time he came in with really long hair hanging down beside his tie and Leslie Nielsen said “Hey Al–get a haircut.” XD

      –E/R (1984-85). This was a sitcom about an emergency room with Elliot Gould, Conchata Ferrell, Mary McDonnell, Lynne Moody, and I kid you not, George Clooney–and it was set in Chicago! Jason Alexander played a character on it too. I loved it and was really pissed off when it got cancelled.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh wait, I forgot one–Bosom Buddies!!!

        Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari played these two NYC guys who couldn’t find a place to live so they dressed in drag and got rooms in a women’s-only residential hotel. It also starred Wendie Jo Sperber (who is sadly no longer with us) and Holland Taylor. It was the first place I ever saw Tom Hanks and Holland Taylor. And Donna Dixon, who played a woman Tom Hank’s character had a huge crush on.

        Scolari went on to Newhart (the one with the inn) and Taylor’s been in tons of stuff (she is dating Sarah Paulson now; they’re cute as hell). Dixon met Dan Aykroyd in Doctor Detroit and married him; she’s retired now. And we all know what happened to Tom Hanks. :D

      2. OperaArt*

        I, too, was a fan of the first E/R series. It was a good ensemble show, and funny.

      3. Mimmy*

        I loved E/R! I think it re-aired a few years later in syndication. I had no idea that George Clooney was in it until a few years ago when I saw a story about him. Lynne Moody was on General Hospital in the late ’90s in a recurring role.

        1. Djuna*

          Yes! I work with younger people and none of them get it when I quote that. I keep meaning to see if I can find it on youtube somewhere so I can share the glory of her line delivery.

    38. FlyingFergus*

      Oh, Wonderfalls! I’d forgotten about it until now! Also loved Pushing Daisies.

      But the show I really mourn is Lovemonkey. Tom Cavanagh, Judy Greer, and a surprisingly wonderful Jason Priestly. Cavanagh played a record executive and I liked the show so much that I even went to see one of the musicians on the show I’m concert – Teddy Geiger. Was blown away recently when I found out he’s still in the business and cowrote Shawn Mendes’s hit, Stitches.

    39. Pat Benetardis*

      JOan of Arcadia. Joan is in high school and God talks to her, or is she just crazy?

    40. Laura*

      A Gifted Man. 2011. Only one season. Put on the Friday night death slot.

      Watched it mostly for the Patrick Wilson eye candy. Good story too.

    41. Sally O'Malley*

      “Boston Common”
      It starred Anthony Clark before he went on to be in “Yes, Dear.”

    42. Tedious Cat*

      Justice was a really well-done procedural focusing on the cases of a law firm headed by Victor Garber. It would always end by showing you, after the trial, how the crime actually went down.

    43. Other Duties as Assigned*

      My rarity is Crime Story (NBC 1986-88). Michael Mann of Miami Vice created this cops vs. organized crime program set in the early 1960s, so lots of neon, chrome, fedoras and cars with tail fins. The first part of the series was set in Chicago with the balance of the series in Las Vegas. Former Chicago policeman (!) Dennis Farina was the police lieutenant in charge (many will remember him as Detective Fontana on Law and Order 2004-2006). I saw a TV interview with Farina where he said that in the scenes where he had to shoot a gun, he had to hold it with only one hand, since that’s how cops in the early 60s did it.

      Check out the opening credits from season one online (the Chicago episodes); lots of color footage of the city…including a neat vintage shot of a Capital Airlines plane landing at Midway. Having the song Runaway by Del Shannon as the theme didn’t hurt, either.

      A very stylish series that likely influenced a lot of crime programs that followed.

    44. GirlwithaPearl*

      Caroline Dhavernas is on a new show right now on lifetime (I know, I know) called something like Mary Kills People and it is really good!

    45. Katriona*

      I actually just rewatched Popular a few months ago; it’s a Ryan Murphy show (pre-Glee) about two high school girls on opposite ends of the social ladder who suddenly find themselves stepsisters. It ended on a cliffhanger after two seasons–I think it was a casualty of the WB/UPN merger but I’m not totally sure.

      Dark Angel is another one I liked from that era. It was futuristic sci-fi show with a really cool concept that kind of went off the rails in season two a bit before getting canceled. I’ve got both seasons on DVD but haven’t gotten around to watching it so I don’t know how well it holds up, but at the time I was really bummed that it didn’t get a third season.

      This may not count since it went on for four seasons, but: Boston Public. I can’t find it on DVD or streaming anywhere and nobody knows what I’m talking about when I bring it up, although I thought it did reasonably well when it aired.

      More recently, I’m really sad that Pitch just got cancelled. As a female baseball fan AND a fan of good TV it really excelled at both.

    46. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      It was recent, but I was _so_ disappointed when The Grinder was cancelled. It was genuinely funny and inventive, and Rob Lowe & Fred Savage were so good together. It wasn’t perfect, it got into some stupid stuff later on in the season, but it was really good at the self-aware, tropey-humor that I love.

  7. New-ish Chicagoan*

    Anyone have favorite cafes or spaces that are study-able in Chicago they’d like to recommend? I’m a UChicago grad student trying to (1) not go crazy while (2) studying for finals and (3) occasionally getting out of Hyde Park.

    2. Tris Prior*

      I like Metropolis a lot, though it would be a haul for you – Edgewater, off the Granville red line. But that’s definitely WAY out of Hyde Park… :)

    3. PM-NYC*

      Not sure if these are too far north, but I love Wormhole and Filter, both on Milwaukee Ave. in Wicker Park. Wormhole is smaller with great coffee drinks & geeky decor, Filter is huge, serves a full menu of typical cafe style stuff & is full of vintage couches. Have had many a work session at both.

    5. salad fingers*

      Thoughts:
      Wormhole and Filter are both great recommendations.

      I used to study a lot at New Wave Cafe in Logan Square when I lived there. Fairly large space, definitely park and work for awhile friendly. It’s been awhile, but the atmosphere looks pretty much the same.

      My go-to geographically for the last …very many years has been Star Lounge in Humboldt Park. Special place in my heart for them as I remember when they first opened, the owners are good people and I love that their business has done so well. There is decent space on the first floor, decent space on the second floor where there seems to be a tacit quiet car sort of thing going on, and there’s a little deck in the back. This was the birthplace of Dark Matter coffee, which has become a pretty prominent local coffee brand. This place wouldn’t be super CTA commute friendly for you. Not impossible by any means, but it isn’t close to a train or any bus that would connect directly to Hyde Park.

      Cafe Jumping Bean was one of my best friends’ favorite study spots. It’s in Pilsen, which would certainly be closer to Hyde Park. Also not as far – only been a couple of times but always enjoyed Bridgeport Coffee. Maria’s Packaged Goods is across the street and offers respite from books/screens/whatever in the form of beer, kimchi polish sausages and nice people.

      I’m not really sure how the space would be for studying but this whole conversation is making me want a cup of coffee and a slice of Bang Bang pie. Only familiar with their Logan Square spot, but is cute (small inside, but a large outside space picnic table space if you don’t need to plug in?) and their pie is soooooooo delicious. Dreaming of last month’s rhubarb one.

      Okay, and with less commentary, some other ones I used to frequent: Ipsento in Bucktown, Dollop in ….Edgewater? Andersonville? Bourgious Pig in Lakeview (maybe now gone I think), Swim Cafe in Noble Square. And places I’m not super familiar with but seem promising: Big Shoulders in ….. maybe that’s also Noble Square, Gaslight in Logan Square, Reno in Logan Square, Letizia’s in Wicker Park sometimes works, Caffe Streets also in Wicker Park has done the job occasionally too. Atomix used to be a go to as well and until an ex/barista ruined it for me. I wonder if they still have really uncomfortable chairs.

      OKAY I’m done now. I actually could go on forever but I will stop. The last thing I’ll suggest is the Harold Washington Public Library! That place is literal heaven and I always got really good work done there. Obvious beautiful views, beautiful architecture, beautiful books upon books upon books.

      1. Random Reader*

        I went to Bourgeois Pig in Lakeview this past winter! It’s such a cute little cafe.

    6. Nancy B*

      When I was a a student at DePaul in Lincoln Park, I used to study at the Panera on Diversey. I could get a snack and a refillable drink and use their WiFi all afternoon. Around that time, they switched their music from classical to jazz, which I found to be a distraction, but I carried foam earplugs in my bag in those days. Do you have a Panera near campus? I don’t know that neighborhood as well. Is Panera still generous with the WiFi?

  8. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I’m in a snit right now and I need to be talked down. I have a sinus infection (diagnosed yesterday after some strange symptoms– I’m on antibiotics but feeling miserable) and I’m volunteering this afternoon for about an hour at a theater near my house. Last night, because of my sinus infection, I stayed home while my boyfriend and a bunch of his friends went to a baseball game (with my company’s season tickets, fwiw). This morning, he wakes up and announces he’s going running later with one of the friends he went out with last night.

    Later arrives and the car– my car, our only vehicle– doesn’t start. So I just called roadside assistance, and my boyfriend called his friend to pick him up. He didn’t offer to stay here with me. I realized this bothered me, and I told him. His response was to get huffy and say that I had said it was fine and he was going, but maybe his friend can hang out while the car repair person is here… No. I finally told him to just go. I fully admit that I am irrational right now because I feel like crap.

    So why am I in a snit? It’s twofold. First, it’s my fault for not being more direct and asking him to please just stay home. Second, I feel like I can’t ever change my mind when circumstances change, because the response I get is this huffy crap. I’m afraid to ask for any kind of help from him when things change, or when my feelings change. I am also pissed with myself and him because he spends so much time with this chick and while I trust him and I know nothing untoward is going on, it bugs the crap out of me. She likes to do things I don’t like to do, she has more free time than I do, and he would rather go running with her than spend time with his girlfriend who doesn’t feel well and is trying to get things done for our benefit. I need a smack on the head or something.

    1. Myrin*

      I feel like this is something that would be very good (and even necessary) to talk through with him once you’re feeling better and when a specific annoying situation is over and you’re in a calm, neutral state so that emotions don’t run high on both sides. (Like when you’re having a relaxed afternoon together or something similar.)

      Hope you’re feeling better soon!

    2. Whats In A Name*

      I actually think he needs a smack on the head. I think it all comes down to you feeling like he chose his friend over making sure you were ok (regardless male or female) no one can tell you that you are overreacting – they are your feelings. I do think you should be more direct when he gets home and say “look, this is why I got snitty…I need you to understand my feelings.” If he can’t have an adult conversation about your side of things, well, I don’t know enough to give you any other solace beside I’m sorry it sucks and you feel this way.

      FWIW: I volunteer a lot & work 3 jobs (one is just writing that takes few extra hours a month) and my partner has a high stress job but we arrange schedules around each other – like I run while he hikes or he goes to the store while I am teaching, etc.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Thanks… I’m also kind of miffed that our first communication this morning was not, “How are you feeling?” but “Can you check the weather?” I need to talk to him about this.

        The funny thing is that I LOVE my alone time and I will often beg off invitations so I can stay home. So I realize that sometimes I move the goalposts on him, and that’s not fair.

        Side note: roadside assistance came and jumped the car. The whole thing took about 15 minutes. I have the best insurance.

      2. The Bread burglar*

        This. I would be annoyed too.

        Yes you said it was cool but now circumstances have changed. A stressful situation has popped up and you are already ill. Its reasonable to want his help/support with it. Or at least a genuine offer of it.

        But it sound like the real issue is the bigger problem of feeling like you dont have enough time together. And feelif unsupported and that you cant change your mind wih anything. That is the bit to discuss another day when calm and not sick.

      3. overeducated*

        Agreed. This is the exact kind of thing that my husband and I had productive and helpful conversations about pre-kids, so I think it is worth talking about and can work out well. Hope you feel better!

      4. ..Kat..*

        Agree with the above. Circumstances changed and now you want him to stay with you.

        And now some nursing TLC/advice. Getting the goo draining out of your sinuses can help. And, by the way, your sinuses aren’t just behind your nose – they cover most of your face from the upper gum line on up to above your eye brows – and they spread side to side out behind your cheek bones.
        1. Keep well hydrated. This will make your sinus secretions thinner. Warm water with lemon and honey is soothing. You can make this as tea. Or add brandy (or whiskey or some such).
        2. Steam from a shower can help.
        3. Warm packs to the face can help. You can even buy premade gel packs with eye holes at your local pharmacy. Don’t microwave the gel packs – this is an excellent way to burn yourself. Instead, warm water in the microwave and place the gel packs in the warm water. Wrap in washcloth and apply to face.
        4. Some people swear by Neti pots. I prefer the Arm & Hammer aerisolised spray myself. If you go the neti pot route, follow the instructions carefully, otherwise you can give yourself a secondary infection.
        5. If you feel socked-in in your sinuses, you can use pseudophed or afrin to decrease swelling and get your sinuses to drain. Don’t use afrin for more than 48 hours or you will get rebound swelling.
        6. When your boyfriend recovers from the head smack, he should be rubbing your feet, fetching whatever you want, quietly cleaning the house, and cooking you whatever you feel like eating.

        These infections can hang around for a couple of weeks. Hope you get well soon.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Thanks! I have antibiotics and Flonase. I went to my volunteer gig for about 3 hours and it KICKED MY ASS. I am back home and miserable. So I might do many of these things you suggest.

          Boyfriend and I had a brief talk about what happened earlier, and the evening plan is for him to buy me sushi and stay in. I am really weird about this, but I love sushi when I’m feeling miserable. It’s too hot for pho.

          1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

            We have similar comfort foods! :) Good sushi feels unaffordable around here, though, unless we can get a weekday lunch special. Bah humbug.

            Sorry you’re feeling so ill, I hope some of the recommended remedies makes you feel better.

      5. neverjaunty*

        Yep, he does. Getting huffy and ditching sick girlfriend (after getting huffy) to spend time with Running Chick is… kind of uncool.

        Also, while nothing untoward may actually be going on, it’s worth taking a look at whether your discomfort with his buddy is coming from something about him (e.g., he has a crush on her, even if he isn’t going to cheat), from you (e.g., you feel insecure because she has more free time and you compare yourself negatively), or both.

    4. AJ*

      Hello, I empathize. I often get into “snits” about seemingly benign things (relationship and non-relationship wise). It frustrates me because I am otherwise rational and very level headed. A few thoughts – I definitely agree with the first commenter – have a talk with him after you’ve cooled down, and maybe even when you are feeling better sinus-infection wise. I personally deal with bad pms/ premenstral dysphoric disorder, so I know there are times that are NOT good to have this type of conversation. (Crying at sad/cute commercials = wait a few days to do anything emotionally challenging!) Even though you can see things logically, and you know you “shouldn’t” feel bad, or you know “it’s not a big deal” etc, your feelings are still 100% valid. I like to remind myself that I can’t control my feelings, but I can control how I react to them – react meaning not only things I might say, but thoughts in my own head. Take a second and tell yourself it’s ok to feel bad/hurt/annoyed/disappointed. Slow down and dissect what’s going on – why are you feeling what you’re feeling? It’s also ok to have expectations from your bf – definitely sit down and explain that his actions bothered you and why. It might not end up in a “yes, you’re right” situation, but at least he can hopefully start to see things from your perspective and vice-versa. (For the record I would be annoyed by his actions too.) I feel like a lot of guys (and some women) are pretty clueless when it comes to stuff like this. Regarding the female friend he goes running with – I think you need to decide if him spending time with her is ok with you – what are your expectations? Is there a certain amount of time spent you can be comfortable with, certain activities that are ok, what is your line and what will you do if he crosses it? Again, WHY are you feeling bothered by this. I’m not saying you should sit down with a list of okayed-activities and have him initial it, but it’s important to think about these things and be honest with yourself. What do you want? I think spending time with friends from the opposite sex can work for some couples, while others it doesn’t. It’s so nuanced! I feel like women are kind of trained to say/think “of course he can have female friends!, I’m fine with it!” When actually, in some situations it’s not ok. Or it is ok, until it’s not. (Full disclosure – I have been cheated on, so maybe that is coloring my opinion.) I’d say definitely have your thoughts/feelings/decision 100% together on this if/before you talk to him – you don’t want him to feel like you are accusing him of something. Wow! Hopefully my rambling makes sense! Don’t be hard on yourself! – Alyssa

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Take out the word chick/friend and put in motorcycle, car, computer.

      Anything or anyone who becomes more important to our SOs than us can really start the tempers flaring.
      In a committed relationship each person has to be the other one’s first priority. The motorcycle can’t come first. I think when I say motorcycle, it becomes very clear, “yeah, that is right.”

      I suspect that you are blaming your own waffling as part of the problem. I don’t know, I am not there. However, there is some merit to this point. I endeavored to be more consistent. So if my husband want to go some where at 2 pm, I would make the effort to say “Can we decide this at noon based on how I feel then?” Decide that your nos mean NO and your yeses mean yes. If you truly don’t know then “I don’t know” is your answer.

      It could be that your guy is not good with surprises or plan changes. Or it could be that you have many surprises and plan changes and he sees everything as being uncertain when he talks to you. I suspect it’s a mix of both with no one totally at fault. He could flex more and you could be more concrete, PERHAPS. Again. I am not there so it reasonable to see I could be off base.

      So get a handle on saying what you mean and see where that puts you.

      If you still see him ducking out the door to other priorities then that might be a yellow flag for you. All we can do is tweak what we are doing and see if others respond in a different manner.
      I am a bit concerned that he did not stay with you while you were sick. For myself, I concluded that if I could sleep, my husband could go about his day. However, if I had other things going on, such as non-stop vomiting, I wanted him in the house in case it worked into a 911 call. (Just recently I called a friend in hour number 4 of non-stop puking. It lasted 9 hours so I was glad he came. He said all he did was let the dog out a couple times. ha! No, he was on stand-by in case things got worse.)

      I can see reading that huffiness as lack of patience. And we equate patience with love. If people love us then they are more apt to be patient with us. Once you feel better, ask him if he can bring a little more patience into the relationship. Relationships require a LOT of patience and the longer a couple is together there is more and more patience required.

      Overview: Break this story into pieces and deal with one piece at a time. First: get better!

      1. Definitely Anon*

        I agree that they need to talk and get on the same page about time and expectations. However, I don’t think that replacing “friend” with “computer” is really a fair comparison. Rescheduling or canceling plans to play on a computer or work on a bike has little to no repercussions. It will be there later and has no feeling that can be hurt. Rescheduling or canceling plans with a friend does have consequences. It signals that their time is not important to you and that you are not reliable. If you do it too often you can lose them. Not wanting to cancel plans with friends is not a sign that your SO is not a priority. In fact, an SO insisting that you cancel plans with friends repeatedly would be a red flag. That does not seem to be what is going on here and avoiding the appearance of being controlling might be part of why AvonLady is having trouble vocalizing what she wants from her boyfriend. I just think it is important to avoid the mind frame that if we are in a relationship, that person becomes the only important person in our lives and all other relationships must be sacrificed.

    6. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Ditto the smack going to him, and Not So New Reader on the patience.
      We had to work our way through a patch of this in the past and one of the things that was key is that my partner doesn’t take sudden shifts in plans well if he’s not primed for him. Then there’s huffiness because he feels caught flatfooted and I take offense at the huff because what’s more important, me/us or the thing that can’t possibly be more important than me/us in this altered situation??

      If that’s his issue, then it may help to prime him with “your activity is fine of course but if anything changes I may need your support and if that happens, I’ll let you know. Otherwise, have fun!”

      And of course knowing if you are truly ok with him being gone or not is also helpful.

      I hope the talk goes well when you feel up to having it.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Thanks everyone, for your kind words and the support. We did end up talking yesterday, and we both have things to work on– I have to learn to open my mouth sooner, he has to do things without me asking. (He’ll do anything I ask, and I don’t usually mind asking, but sometimes I would like him to offer– like, take the dog out when I’m sick, that kind of thing). We also discussed this woman and how he prioritizes her needs sometimes, and he gets where I’m coming from.

      He also said that there’s no one he would rather spend time with than me. That’s a strange thing for me to handle. I think I’m excellent company, but it’s hard for me to think that someone wants to be with me as much as he does. So all in all, it was a very productive talk. Today was really lovely; the car wouldn’t start again (taking it in tomorrow), and he got out of bed to run errands with me and help me get the battery checked.

  9. Iris Carpenter*

    Anybody got any hints for dealing with aging mothers who beginning to loose it mentally? Memory going, losing the ability to process new information, reverting to routines from 20 years ago? However she values her independence, so nothing will stop her continuing to live alone.

    Based in the UK, if that makes any difference.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m sorry, this sounds really tough. I’d recommend contacting Age UK. They can advise on just this sort of situation.

    2. Jen Erik*

      Could you persuade her to see a doctor? My mum went to see a doctor, and her memory problems were caused by dementia, and – while I know not everyone finds the tablets helpful – they did seem to slow the progress of the forgetfulness for her.

      I went on a carer’s course run by the Alzheimer’s Society – if there’s one near you you might find it helpful, even if you don’t have a diagnosis – there’s a lot of advice that would apply in any case: things like making sure you’ve the power of attorney sorted – but also practical day-to-day adaptions you can make. They’ve also got a helpline.

      Practically speaking, I’ve heard people say that if you get a carer, even if the person objects at first, that soon becomes their new normal: I do find it next to impossible to get my mum to agree to any change, but once we get past that point, she adapts really quickly and forgets it wasn’t always that way. My sister’s suggestion – she has carers for her daughter – was to lie about why they were there until my mum became accustomed. (We haven’t faced this yet, so I don’t know if the strategy would work.)
      On the other hand, my husband’s aunt just refused to admit she had any problem, or to see a doctor, and became unsafe in her home, and they had to make the difficult decision to move her into a care home. Happily, she did settle in well.

      1. JKP*

        I volunteered for one organization where I would visit older people who lived alone, so that someone checked on them and spent time with them every week. One older lady resisted having someone visit because she could take care of herself, so they told her I was coming for knitting lessons and she happily taught me to knit each week when I visited.

    3. Bluebell*

      My family is dealing with this too. Mom’s memory is starting to go and she is on mess that don’t help. We’d love to have her move closer to one of three daughters but she loves her independence. No great advice, just sympathy!

    4. Regular reader, anon for this*

      She really does need to be seen, maybe by her regular doctor first, but better yet by a specialist, like a neurologist, neuropsychiatrist, or geriatric psychiatrist. Saying someone has dementia is like saying they have a headache — a headache is a symptom, one that can be caused by anything from dehydration, stress, or eyestrain to a brain tumor. Dementia has many causes, too, and some are easily treatable or even reversible. Some general practitioners know this, but believe it or not some still default to what they heard growing up, that “it’s just part of getting old”, even though medical science says that memory loss and cognitive impairment is NOT a part of healthy aging! Of course, medical issues may be more common as you get older, and some might not be reversible, but there’s only one way to know.

      I’m going anon for this because I’m going to put links in a response to this that might make it obvious where I work. Please check them out.

      2. Another anon*

        I cannot recommend this comment strongly enough as someone else in medicine (presumably), but am also anon to keep my identities separate.

    5. Alice*

      Try and find out exactly what’s going on – is it a form of dementia, or is it possible that there’s something else going on, like dehydration or medication interactions? Ask her doctor or her pharmacist to go through all her meds and look for any bad combinations or side effects. It may be the case that there is nothing fixable, but it’s worth checking.

    6. Observer*

      See if you can get a companion. Also, a medic alert type bracelet or pendant, if she’ll accept it. *very* frequent visits are good, too.

      Can you get her to move to an apartment really close to you? It can make a HUGE difference.

  10. Luna Lovegood*

    Does anyone else listen to My Favorite Murder?

    I’m wondering if there are any other Murderinos who also read AAM

    SSDGM

    2. super anon*

      I’ve never listened to this, but I’m always looking for new crime podcasts and this sounds right up my alley. I’m going to add it to my commute playlist!

    3. Lily Evans*

      Yes!!! I love the podcast and I was lucky enough to even see them live when they were in Boston!

    4. Penny*

      A crime podcast? Can you share some details? I’m almost done with Serial and looking for new podcasts to listen to.

      1. FDCA In Canada*

        It’s a true-crime podcast done by two women, and the best way I can describe it is that it’s like listening to your two friends tell each other stories about that crazy murder they heard about. I wouldn’t say i’s the most meticulously researched one out there, since they do make mistakes, but it’s wonderfully engaging and oddly hilarious. There’s lots of sidebars, discussions about this-reminds-me-of-that-other-murder, and a generally lighthearted feel. It’s great, I love it.

      3. Nancy B*

        If you like true-crime podcasts, then I’m guessing you’ve already listened to Criminal. If you haven’t, I suggest giving it a try. So good. I’m a subscriber, and I’m currently working my way through the archive. Here’s how they describe it on their website: “Criminal is a podcast about crime. Stories of people who’ve done wrong, been wronged, or gotten caught somewhere in the middle.”

  11. Myrin*

    Because I’ll be making twice as much during the next four months than I do normally because of some seasonal work, I finally felt financially good enough to order a new chair for my desk at home – my old one is literally falling apart and, well, that’s not good in general but it’s especially not good because I have back problems and this chair just makes them ten times worse. This new one is an ergonomic one for home offices (which is convenient because this basically is my home office) and gaming (which is also convenient because I’m a gamer) and the reviews unanimously talk about how comfortable and good for your back it is (it even got a little pillow!). Now here’s to hoping that I’ll have the same experience with it!

      1. Myrin*

        Are you alright with me sharing the details next week? I don’t want to advertise something when I don’t yet know if it’ll be good or not but it’ll arrive on Tuesday, so I’m sure I’ll have an idea about its quality when the next open thread comes around.

      1. Myrin*

        Sure! I said “basically” because it’s not a full time job or anything, but still – I’m working on my dissertation right now and I also work for my doctoral advisor (we’re in a literary field, so it’s literally just reading and comparing stuff while sitting at my desk).

    4. Anxa*

      So cool! I am saving up for one because I can never work for more than 20 mins at home without pain, but even the generic task chairs for students at work feel so much better.

      Hope you have a good experience with it

  12. Laura*

    I’m so excited. My out of country internet friend is coming to visit in less than two weeks for two weeks, and mostly I’m between “THIS IS HAPPENING!”, “Oh no what if we don’t mesh well?”, and “My room is still a mess- aaaah!”

    Fortunately I have this whole week off to tackle that last problem.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Yay! You guys will have so much fun. I’ve met so many of my internet friends and it’s always been a good time.

      1. Rainy, PI*

        Heck, I met my boyfriend on twitter while we were living in two different countries! And you can see how well that went (eventually!).

    3. Hellanon*

      I’ve been pretty successful meeting my internet friends – some have become great acquaintances, one is one of my closest friends, and several have largely stayed internet friends. Have fun!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Me too, except for my ex; that really didn’t work out so well (it did at first but later not so much). And really, I don’t have any close friends here at all. I miss having a BFF. I love all my internet friends! It was so nice to have people to do stuff with the last time I went to London.

        1. Workaholic*

          Closets work great for last minute hiding of stuff. and don’t forget the walk through *before* you pick up friend. And hope you have a great time!

  13. anony mouse*

    I accidentally left my car window cracked last night and someone used the opportunity to steal some of my things :(
    The curious thing is… they took all the paperwork I had in my glove box (ALL my maintenance records, proof of insurance, I think the title too…) and some coupons, but not any of my credit cards, the small amount of cash on hand, or the *spare key to the car itself*. None of that was hidden, *at all*, so I am grateful but also quite freaked out.

    From googling this it seems my biggest risk is identify theft or someone trying to claim ownership of my car… they don’t know I’m moving 2000 miles away in two weeks, though, so I just have to survive until then! I’ve filed a police report and put an alert on my credit report. Next week I’ll have to replace insurance and title. Has this happened to any of y’all? Any other tips or things I should be watching out for now?

      1. LCL*

        …(posted too soon) contact your state’s DMV for further instructions. This could get really sticky when you sell the car or register it in another state.

        1. anony mouse*

          Thanks! Fortunately I don’t plan to do either of those things very soon, but that is still not good news when I won’t be in the state to receive any communications :S

    2. Undine*

      They may try to use your registration/insurance on another car. I know someone who got a ticket from a town 500 miles away with their stolen registration. But you’ve already notified police so that should help. I had my registration stolen (a couple weeks ago) & was able to report in online. You might report the title right away if you haven’t found it, so that you have a record. I have not received the new registration yet, so you might want to go to the DMV in person to get a temp registration before you move.

      1. anony mouse*

        Thank you!

        Thankfully they didn’t take my registration sticker, either (which isn’t even affixed to the windshield like it’s supposed to be). The whole picture just doesn’t make sense to me, and that alone makes me more freaked out than I think I’d be if they’d taken everything.

    3. Anono-me*

      My sympathy on the theft. Congratulations on move.

      (I only know this information is USA applicable.)

      Please talk to your your DMV about a replacement title.

      Please only keep a photo copy of your title in the car. The third could have stolen the whole car and said you sold it.

      1. Anono-me*

        I am sorry . Edit fail. I intend to suggest talking to the DMV about a preventing a second replacement title.

        1. anony mouse*

          Thanks! We’re going to get on that first thing Monday morning. Huge lesson learned on the paper storage — safety over convenience!!!

    4. Ktelzbeth*

      I left my car unlocked once and lost a baggie of almonds and some hand sanitizer. Nothing else. Very peculiar. I hope everything turns out okay for you.

      1. You Thief You!*

        I have never done this, but I can totally see a drunk younger me seeing almonds on a car seat and upon seeing an unlocked door things “ooh….I’d love some almonds”. Of course when I was in college locks were still mostly manual.

    5. ..Kat..*

      Just because they didn’t take the credit cards doesn’t mean they didn’t write down the numbers including the three digit codes on the back. If it were me, I would cancel the cards and get new ones.

      1. Workaholic*

        A couple years ago somebody stole my dirty gym clothes out of my car. They discovered their mistake half a block away and tossed them.
        Sorry about your troubles :(

        1. Girasol*

          People are strange that way. My first car was an ancient Volkswagen whose windows were smashed by thieves twice, once to steal the fire extinguisher that any old Volksie is supposed to carry, and once to steal all the spare fuses for its tiny fuse box. Whyever? And the job would have been easier and less conspicuous had they just poked open the loose wing window and reached in to unlock the door. I’ve always suspected young teens showing off their bravado with minor mayhem. (Not that the OP shouldn’t take all the preventive steps suggested. You never know for sure.)

        2. Rainy, PI*

          I had a friend whose VW was broken into and they took half a dozen CDs and *left the iPod*. This was 2003 or 2004 so they probably had no idea what it was, but it was still bizarre.

          1. Jules the First*

            I got burgled in 2009 and they took the iPod *charger cable* but not the iPod, thereby proving that burglars are not the sharpest…

      2. Yetanotherjennifer*

        +1. They may be hoping you’ll not report them stolen and they’ll get a longer spending spree.

  14. JKP*

    My grandfather died suddenly and unexpectedly of a massive stroke this week. He would have been 88 this summer. He liked to tell the same stories over and over again every time family would visit, and I wanted to share one of my favorites that I thought AAM readers would appreciate in hopes that a few strangers will be thinking of him today and smiling.

    He retired as a foreman at a manufacturing plant, producing a variety of custom parts, including parts for NASA from the original Apollo missions all the way through the various space shuttles. When he was young and just starting in his career, one day he was alone in the breakroom when a monkey dressed in a suit tapped on the outside window and gave him a pleading look as if to say: “It’s cold out here, please let me in.” He always had a soft spot for animals, and since this monkey was wearing clothes, he imagined that it was someone’s lost pet and if he let it in, the monkey would climb into his arms and maybe there would be a tag or collar so he could call the owner. But no, once he opened the door, the monkey ran in the breakroom and right past him into the plant itself. They had to shut down the factory line and spent the whole day chasing this monkey around the plant trying to catch it. My grandfather feigned ignorance, so no one knew who let the monkey in, but this story became legend in his industry. Such legend that 20 years later at a conference when he finally confessed that he was the one who let the monkey in, there was an almost stampede to the payphones as everyone tried to call friends/coworkers to tell them, “You won’t believe who it was who let the monkey in!”

    I don’t tell the story as well as he did, but it’s what I always think of when I see someone here post: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

      1. JaneB*

        Oh, I could almost hear the delivery in my grandads voice, what a lovely story… so sorry for your loss

    3. fposte*

      That is an excellent story, and sharing it is a great way to pay tribute to your grandfather.

    5. Rebecca*

      I’m so sorry for your loss! What a wonderful story and a great memory to share with us.

    7. Confused Publisher*

      What a story to remember him by! Thank you for sharing.
      I’m sorry for your loss. It resonates especially hard with me because I lost mine to a sudden, massive stroke too.

      1. JKP*

        Sorry for your loss as well. I’ve been trying to find consolation in the idea that he didn’t wither away from sickness, but was still fully living his life right up to the end. Just suddenly passed out and never woke up.

    10. Liane*

      I so sorry for your loss, and yes that is a fantastic story. Tell more here, over time if it helps you. I would love to read them.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      What a great story. Your grandfather had an extraordinary life. I hope you write his stories down for your family as a keepsake. I am sorry for your loss.

    13. kewlm0m*

      What a unique way you chose to remember your grandfather – by sharing one of his stories with all of us! Now I will think of you and him every time I hear a story about NASA or about a monkey! So your tribute to him will live in my memory and honor you both as well! So very sorry for your loss.

      1. JKP*

        My favorite part about him telling this story is that it always featured the mayhem of the monkey running around the factory and everyone afterwards wondering who had let the monkey inside, but no one seemed to question why?!? there was a monkey dressed in a suit standing at the window in the first place.

        1. Sally O'Malley*

          Well, I’m wondering. LOL! Did they ever find who it belonged to or why it was dressed that way?

          1. JKP*

            I don’t remember him ever explaining where the monkey came from. After they caught it, I think animal control took it and tracked down where to return it.

  15. katamia*

    Chapstick recommendations? I just started a medication that’s drying out my face/lips a lot, and my current chapstick (The Body Shop) is just not cutting it. My doc recommended Dr. Dan’s Cortibalm, but I’m leery of the steroids it apparently contains and would rather use something without them if I can find something that works.

    1. KR*

      I’ve done several things. Every night I put a lot of Vaseline on my lips so they don’t dry out at night. I also do it every morning as part of my makeup routine. If I’m wearing lipstick I just put the Vaseline on top. I live in a super windy and dry area and before this lived in a state with awful winters.
      B) Burt’s bees is life, honestly. It’s so good, it supports bees, and it works.

      1. Chaordic One*

        If your lips are actually chapped, a hydrocortisone ointment with a petroleum jelly base will help with healing. The ointment seems to work much better than the creme A couple of the most popular brand names are “Cortizone 10” and “Cortaid.” Many stores carry a lower-priced store brands of the same product.

    3. Sylvia*

      Dr. Bronner’s. Or Vaseline.

      I have only seen Dr. Bronner’s lip balm in Target, but I would bet that Whole Foods also sells it.

      2. Manderley*

        Dr. Bronner’s is also on Amazon. It’s all I use – keeps my lips moist but not sticky and is organic.

    4. super anon*

      The only lip balm that works for me the Fresh Sugar Lip Balm from Sephora. It’s expensive, but I use an entire tube without losing it and it’s the only thing that keeps my lips un-chapped while taking acne medication for my face. I also will scrape out the lip balm that’s inside of the tube after it looks like it’s empty and put it into a tin container and keep it beside my bed to use at night.

      In the winter when I started taking my new face medication that was super drying and wreaking havoc on my lips, I would use a sugar lip scrub at night to gently exfoliate off the dead skin, then I would use the Fresh Sugar balm, and then top the balm with Vaseline to lock in the moisture, and this seemed to help. Also, make sure you’re drinking enough water – I find when I’m not drinking enough it causes my lips to dry out and be uncomfortable.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I second the Burt’s Bees recommendation. It’s the only chapstick I use because I have such terrible reactions to any other brand (lips peeling and flaking, red and irritated, etc.). And there are so many flavors to choose from! My favorite is pomegranate.

      2. copy run start*

        Burt’s Bees is awesome! I switched to cheap Chapstick brand though because I got tired of throwing out expensive chapstick with every cold. (And of course then I didn’t have a cold for 2 years….)

      3. Beatrice*

        I swear by Burt’s Bees, but for some reason only the plain, unflavored kind works for me!

      4. Lemon Zinger*

        The original Burt’s Bees is hands-down the BEST lip balm I have ever used. Ever.

    7. CatCat*

      Palmer’s cocoa butter works best for me. They offer it packed in lip balm tubes.

    8. Red*

      Shea Moisture, ChapStick total hydration, and good old Carmex are all favorites of mine

    9. HannahS*

      I actually really like Burt’s Bees, the plain honey/beeswax one (the peppermint is too tingly). It’s pretty waxy, so I find it acts more like a barrier cream. It’s great in the winter, when everything dries out so fast. If you’re thinking you want something like vaseline, but less goopy, then Burt’s Bees is the way to go! But if you want something more creamy/hydrating, then this probably won’t feel nice.

    10. Sunflower*

      My lips get destroyed during the winter and straight up Vaseline works wonders.

    11. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      Burt’s Bees (the plain honey & beeswax) or Nova Scotia Fisherman (the Fisherman Lip Balm or the Fisherman Sea Salt & Caramel)

    12. Cristina in England*

      The only one that works for me (to the point where I get it imported from the US) is BLISTEX DCT Daily Conditioning Treatment. Not too thick/waxy like other similar ones, DCT is nice and smooth.

    13. Rainy, PI*

      It’s hella expensive, but Fresh Sugar lip products are the best I’ve ever used.

      Next best–make your own! Beeswax and/or cocoa butter, a little almond or jojoba oil, melt and stir in the microwave, pour into an empty lip balm tube. (If you are sensitive to beeswax, which sometimes happens, just use cocoa butter. It will still solidify.)

      Do NOT use Carmex–it’s pretty much just a product intended to dry your lips up and make them fall off in pieces. Okay, I exaggerate, but it’s full of irritants and things that people are commonly allergic or sensitive to, like lanolin, camphor, menthol, salicylic acid, and benzocaine. The more you use, the more you have to use, creating a vicious cycle of chapped, peeling lips and sadness.

      1. Pharmgirl88*

        I’m seconding the Fresh Sugar products – I keep it at home because it’s pricey and I don’t want to lose it, but I only apply it in the morning and at night, and it lasts a really long time.

    14. Fifty Foot Commute*

      I switched from The Body Shop to Burt’s Bees Ultra-Conditioning (the one with the white tube and silver cap; it isn’t minty) when I moved to the midwest a few years ago, and I think it was a good switch.

    16. Lady Jay*

      BURT’S BEES ALL THE WAY.

      Back in college, I discovered the chapstick I used was drying my lips out, not actually moisturizing them, and I switched to Burt’s Bees because I’d heard good things. I’ve been using it since then, exclusively, for 10+ years.

    18. Claire (Scotland)*

      I swear by the Naked Lips lipbalm! I use the superfoods one because it smells amazing.

      I find Vaseline is really bad for my lips – it moisturises them initially but over time it seems to make them more inclined to dry out and flake. I won’t use it anymore.

      1. Nina*

        Same here! I had a bad breakout of eczema on my lips recently, and it was cleared up by using Aquaphor after a week.

      2. k8page*

        Me too! I have extremely dry and chapped lips as a side effect to a medication I take, and regular use of Aquaphor is the only thing that works for me.

    20. Elizabeth West*

      I love Burt’s Bees, especially the honey flavor. I use the beeswax but I like the honey better. The fruity ones seem to dry me out and don’t taste good.

      When I had a really bad case of contact dermatitis around my lips recently, I got some of that Blistex LipMed (it comes in a little blue pot) and it healed me up really nicely. I like to put that on at night now.

    22. Not So NewReader*

      Desert Essence Lip Rescue, non-gmo, Ultra Hydrating with shea butter. DE has several types I go with the Ultra Hydrating.

      I get it at health food stores, it’s about $2.19 here. I liked Burt’s but this stuff works twice as good for me.

      Don’t forget to hydrate from the inside, too. Chapped lips, dry hands, all that, are little warnings to increase water intake.

    23. Ktelzbeth*

      My favorite is Whole Food’s brand vanilla honey flavor, if that’s in your neck of the woods. Otherwise, I like Badger Balm’s classic lip balm line, usually in vanilla Madagascar, just as well, but its a little pricier.

    24. Brendioux*

      The only thing that works for me is 100% cocoa butter that I get from Cococare The Yellow Stick. I tried everything under the sun but sometimes I can go a couple of days without applying this and my lips actually feel normal! Of course, staying hydrated helps heaps too.

    25. Stellaaaaa*

      I love the Glossier balm in the coconut scent. It’s like Aquaphor but with extra oils added in and it makes a huge difference.

      I don’t care for the Fresh balms. They contain mild versions of retinol and other anti-agers that are theoretically good but can be irritating if your lips are already dry.

    26. Sami*

      For ANYTHING skincare or makeup related, I always check www (dot) beautypedia (dot) com
      Excellent scientific analysis and reviews.

      1. Stellaaaaa*

        The reviewers there don’t actually try the skincare. They just research the ingredients and see if they line up with Paula’s particular standards. Paula is off-base a lot. She wants everything to be all-in-one multi-taskers with high concentrations of drying/irritating anti-agers. She also spreads a lot of misinformation about ingredients that she happens to not like on her own skin.

    27. On Fire*

      We stumbled across maple lip balm while in Vermont on vacation. It’s from an individual and includes things like cocoa butter and avocado oil. I’ve ordered some from her website – the options are maple or wild blueberry.
      My husband works outdoors year-round, and this really has made a difference in preventing chapped lips through the winter. Website is wrenhouse (dot) com.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I use a Blistex medicated balm I bought in Germany, as sometimes Eight Hour Cream isn’t enough.

    28. lucina*

      I love Nuxe Reve de Miel lip balm, the one in the little pot, but I’m not sure it is available in the USA anymore.

    30. Tedious Cat*

      I really like EOS but that might just be because the little eggs are so cute.

    31. Stephanie*

      I like a lip balm Shea Moisture makes, but it’s definitely more on the goopy side.

    1. Bella*

      Pure argan oil – I use it for face, body and hair care. I also mix couple of drops in my face day cream (but I use only a tiny bit of makeup – almost invisible layer of face powder and mascara). Amazing stuff, I would however recommend to look for pure Moroccan oils only.

    2. Rainy, PI*

      Yes. I like it, mainly for my hair, although in the winter it’s a good night moisturizer. I find that it really hangs on.

      I also take a biotin supplement that is “argan infused” and hasn’t killed me yet. It also does seem to help my skin, hair, and nails more than my old biotin supplements did!

      1. Rainy, PI*

        As an oil treatment. You can put a little on your ends before you wash, to protect them from the shampoo, or use it as a light styling balm after washing by rubbing a few drops between your hands and stroking them through wet hair. You can also use it as a more traditional oil treatment by applying it to dry hair, brushing it through, and leaving it on for an hour or overnight before washing it out.

    4. Lemon Zinger*

      Acure make a really good line of body products, many of which have argan oil in them. I swear by their shampoo and cleanser!

    5. Hypnotist Collector*

      Yes, I use Acure argan oil each night. It’s part of my awesome skin trifecta – Burt’s Bee’s facial cleanser for sensitive skin (no more soap – it’s made a huge difference), Kiss My Face 30 SPF Face Factor sunscreen/moisturizer, and a drop or two of argan oil at night. I’m 59 and wish I’d discovered this routine at 25.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      I really love argan oil. I have acne-prone skin that can’t handle any of the base ingredients in cream moisturizers and argan doesn’t break me out. Here’s another vote for Acure – they make scented argan oils. As awesome as argan is it can smell very earthy, and that smell will hover in front of your nose all day long if your skin gets hot or sweaty. Don’t bother with the $50 Josie Maran argan unless you’re the sort who likes to maintain Sephora Rouge status.

    7. nonprofit manager*

      Yes. I use it has a light styling aid for my hair. I recently started using it on my skin as a cleanser and moisturizer. I am 52 and still have oily skin. Or I used to. Using argan oil, sometimes straight and sometimes mixed with sunscreen, has actually helped. My skin looks much better now than when I was younger.

  17. Valeriane*

    Seconding the enthusiasm for The Twenty-One Balloons! It’s one of my favorite children’s books, too; I loved passing it on to my friends when I was in college and then to my kids. How can you beat the combination of inventions, cooking, and Krakatoa (which island I first heard of when my fourth-grade teacher read us The Twenty-One Balloons aloud in installments after lunch).

    1. Undine*

      “Professor William Waterman Sherman found in wrong ocean with too many balloons. Refuses to say how or why.” Love it.

      Does have a couple racist moments, though. You have to get past a cringy part near the beginning.

    3. Gingerblue*

      I have a vivid memory of that book even though I don’t think I read it more than once as a kid. I’m pretty sure it was my introduction to basic ideas of supply and demand–there’s a bit about not flooding the market with diamonds, right?

      1. Effie*

        Yes there is! I didn’t read it until I was in my twenties because Claudia (of the Baby-Sitters Club) didn’t want to read it and I thought it was uncool and I’m sad I waited so long. Better late than never though ;)

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      This is one of my favorites too – I wore that book out as a kid!

      Now its on my Kindle but I loved the illustrations in the book and its not the same on a device. I thought it was a brilliant bit of writing and a great story.

    5. Zathras*

      It was one of my mom’s favorite books when she was a kid, apparently, and I remember she got it for me for Christmas more or less as soon as I attained the appropriate reading level. I loved it.

      I think she got me this and Around the World in 80 Days the same year, actually. I later told her it was her fault I became the sort of person that gets itchy feet easily.

    6. Me2*

      Love The 21 Balloons. I just purged a million books before we downsize our house by half, but it is definitely in the keep pile. I love to reread my favorite children’s and young adult books, reminds me of being cuddled up in the chair in my bedroom spending entire days reading. I also love The Phantom Tollbooth, I think I might do some reading along with my laundry this afternoon.

  18. MsChanandlerBong*

    Have any of you ever dealt with trigger points? Every so often, I will wake up in excruciating pain, and the pain is caused by a big “rock” in the affected muscle. This week, it’s my shoulder/upper arm/neck. I can barely use my right arm, and it even hurts when I turn my head to the right. It started last Monday, so today is the sixth day. I tried everything I could try at home before I went to the doctor: heat, ice, Tylenol, Flexeril, Tizanidine (I have Tizanidine from the last time this happened and I had to go to urgent care, and I take Flexeril as needed for neck muscle spasms), and even ibuprofen, even though I am not supposed to take ibuprofen due to my kidney disease. Nothing helped. I slept for 13 hours after taking the Tizanidine, but I woke up with the same pain. I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said it’s a trigger point. I got a Rx for Prednisone, as that is the only thing that has helped in the past. I just took my first dose, so I am hoping it works (I couldn’t take it yesterday because the pharmacy didn’t have it ready until 5:00, and I never would have fallen asleep after a 50 mg dose). He also prescribed Baclofen. It made me tired, and I slept a long time, but the same pain is still there. Does anyone have tips for preventing this from happening? I do arm circles and stretch during the workday, but that doesn’t seem to prevent the big “rocks” from forming in my muscles. I kind of need to be able to use my arm!

    1. fposte*

      Get The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook by Clair Davies. He was the original trigger point guy, and it’s filled with good tips for self-massage.

      Also consider massage therapy, not just self-massage. You’ve got a complicated health profile so it might be a good thing to have somebody to go to regularly on the soft tissue stuff.

      1. Dear Liza dear liza*

        Seconding this. Sometimes my trapezoid muscles get so tight I can’t turn my head. My best bet is a massage therapist who has training in trigger points. Regular massage won’t do it.

      2. Cristina in England*

        Yes seconding this book! I got this and a Theracane to go with it. That book changed my life.

    2. Undine*

      Tennis balls, foam rollers, theracanes — they can help. So can massage. But I honestly didn’t get consistently better until I found a wonderful physical therapist who does bodywork and PT. It’s often a weakness/imbalance that makes you use one muscle more than you should that sets this off.

      1. Anonak*

        I want to second the Theracane (or similar instrument. Also, Biofreeze is great, not necessarily for the trigger points themselves, but for painful muscles in general.

    3. No, please*

      When I had those symptoms it was bursitis. Maybe you could find some exercises online or talk to a physical therapist? Massage may help but you don’t want your shoulder to freeze, so movement is key- from my experience.

    4. Rainy, PI*

      Yup. I have the “Frankenstein” trigger point issue, and have since I was a teenager. I deal with it by taking a mild muscle relaxer at the absolute first sign of a spasm, and then apply heat and use this nifty little trigger point self-massager I got a while back. I also have an acupressure mat thing that is basically an undersized yoga mat with savagely toothed disks affixed all over it, which you lie on until you simply cannot bear it anymore. It actually helps quite a lot. Wear a shirt the first few times until you acclimate!

    5. mreasy*

      I got trigger point therapy (shallow lidocaine injections in the affected area) to help heal from a hip injury, and it worked where nothing else had. The reasoning behind the treatment there was that in walking, I was correcting for the pain and the muscles were developing such that the injured area stayed weak – may be different for your situation. But it made a huge difference in only a few weeks after MONTHS of pain.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh. Muscle pain. This is how a perfectly fine day gets totally ruined.

      I have found magnesium helpful and I also work with potassium. I am shocked by how much pain can come from dehydration. Try as best you can to get a good supply of water into you everyday. I promise this will not be a waste of time for you. I noticed awhile ago, if my bowels don’t work on a given day, I can plan on having more muscle pain.

      I had a rock in my shoulder that would not die. It took years. But the rocks in my feet left once I started taking magnesium. I think it matters how long I had the rocks before I started treating them. The feet rocks were newer.

      I have also had great luck with peppermint oil. You can get it at a health food store. You only need a few drops, so that tiny bottle will last a while. You rub it on the bad muscle. I do it at night so I can sleep and people at work do not have to put up with peppermint in the air.

      Maybe a chiropractor who uses vitamins and minerals would find some way to ease this stuff for you.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I can’t take any potassium supplements due to my kidney disease (the kidneys are responsible for maintaining a normal balance of electrolytes; when they don’t work properly, you can get really sick from too much potassium building up in your blood), but I will try some magnesium!

        1. Anon for this*

          You may want to check with your doctor before trying magnesium too. I am currently in the middle of a bowel cleanse for a medical test (ugh), and the instructions say not to use the magnesium citrate prep if you have kidney disease. Not sure if that’s because of the magnesium itself, or because there is also sodium in there.

          You were probably already going to ask your doctor before supplementing anyway, but thought I’d mention it in case!

    7. Whats In A Name*

      I recommend a therapist or masseuse licensed in trigger point. Also, if you haven’t already you might want to talk with a neuro guy – it could be something like dystonia, which can be treated with botox injections, massage therapy or physical therapy – or some combination of those.

      I also recommend foam rolling/tennis balls/stretching and flexility exercises in areas most effected even when you aren’t having an episode. It may help alleviate some of the tension as it is building up instead and prolong time between episodes.

      You can also buy a face cradle (similar to one that a massage therapist uses) that can attach to your bed. If your symptoms are most often in your neck try laying with your face in the cradle. it allows your neck to relax and may help alleviate some tension. We got ours on amazon at the suggestion of the neurosurgeon.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I need to make an appt. with a neurologist anyway. I’ve been having terrible neuropathy for no discernable reason. My blood sugar and A1C are always normal, so I don’t have diabetes. I do have lupus, which could be attacking my nervous system, but my rheumatologist doesn’t think that’s the case. It could also be the result of monoclonal gammopathy (I am hoping it’s just gammopathy and not multiple myeloma; I will find out in a couple of weeks when I get my blood tested again). In any case, it’s awful. I get stabbing/burning pains and painful itches (where it starts out as if someone is pricking me with a needle, and then an itch spreads outward from that spot). One time, it felt like someone had taken a hot fireplace poker to my chest–just an awful searing sensation. But if I can get in with someone, I will ask about dystonia as well.

  19. Alistair*

    Long time lurker, very infrequent poster here. I’m not sure why I started thinking about this recently, (probably my mind wandering while I was folding maps this week) but I figured ya’ll are the perfect folk to ask!

    So I don’t undetstand it when people say “I can’t cook” or “I can’t bake”. Now, I’m no genius in the kitchen, but there are plenty of days and nights where I have to make dinner for my daughter and I. And while I don’t make anything fancy, I can cook pasta, or follow the directions on a box I pull from the freezer or pantry, and so on. I can certainly bake a cake or brownies, but know that everything I make comes out of a box.

    I know I’m not making anything fancy, and I’m not making anything from scratch. But to me, I’m cooking and baking!

    So then, when people say they can’t cook, does it mean fancy meals from scratch? Can’t bake means can’t make a cake from just flour and eggs? Or something else?

    So curious! Thanks everyone!

    1. Uncivil Engineer*

      I think they mean they can’t cook or bake anything that doesn’t come out of a box/bag.

      When I was in college, I walked through the front door to find my roommate struggling to make boxed mac & cheese. I quickly fixed her problem (too much milk) but she really couldn’t cook much of anything on her own.

      1. Myrin*

        Yeah, I think that’s what they mean, too.

        I find that as someone who is quite the good cook/baker, I have a weird blind spot in that regard in that I wonder how it’s possible to not be able to cook/bake (and I’m not talking about knowing a million recipes by heart or being able to create complicated stuff all on your own, I just mean following a recipe) – I learned cooking by simply doing what any given recipe told me to do and I don’t understand why people who can’t cook/bake don’t or can’t do that. I hope I’m not coming across as snarky or condescending, I’m just super interested in that because I don’t get it on a very funamental level – would any self-professed not-cook be willing to talk more about it?

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Some recipes are confusing. Especially if you’ve grown up without learning basics about this stuff and you feel intimidated and stupid.

          Life is not entirely logical, and “I can’t” is often not about facts.

          1. katamia*

            Yeah. I don’t enjoy most cooking/baking and don’t do it much, but I still cooked with my parents as a kid enough to know what a teaspoon, tablespoon, etc. are and to recognize when something might be a typo and do basic recipe tweaks to make something more to my taste and stuff like that, but if my parents hadn’t cooked with me as a kid, I would never know this stuff. I could see someone growing up in a family where people didn’t cook much or where kids were mostly kept out of the kitchen not knowing some or all of those things.

        2. Ramona Flowers*

          PS I give up on at least half the recipes I want to make as I don’t understand what they’re telling me.

          1. Myrin*

            That’s so interesting! I’ve only ever come across a handful of recipes I found confusing and then that was mostly because the steps were weirdly jumbled. What is it that you don’t understand, if you don’t mind my asking? Like, is it using fancy culinary words that you don’t know or is it just the general actions you have to take or something else entirely?

            (I hope it’s alright I’m asking you this. I’ve been wondering about this forever and yet was never able to actually have a real conversation about it, so I’m beyong intrigued!)

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              It’s completely fine to ask!

              So sometimes it’s because they’re jumbled as you say. Sometimes I don’t get what they are telling me to do or there’s some fundamentally basic explanation missing about how to prepare or use a particular ingredient that I can’t figure out from Google as everyone expects you to already know it.

              1. MT*

                The very first time I tried cooking fried rice, I started at Step 1.

                It turns out that cooking the rice before you fried it was an implied Step 0. This was so common sense and assumed that not one out of the five or six recipes I checked out mentioned it.

            2. Kate in Scotland*

              I taught a friend to cook when we were graduate students. Things he quite reasonably didn’t know included: Which one of these pans is a large pan? How big does finely chopped mean? Do I need to peel this? What is a simmer? Nowadays he’d be able to get some of that on the internet, but I think he’d still struggle with things like knowing which things you have to stir/watch all the time and which ones you can leave for a while, and with adapting recipes to different ingredients or equipment.

              1. Onnellinen*

                My mom loves to remind me of the first time I lived on my own, and called her to ask what “simmer” means! These things are not obvious!!

              2. Elizabeth West*

                I learned all this in Girl Scouts and then home economics in school, and my mum let us bake as long as we cleaned up after ourselves, when we were old enough to use the stove without getting hurt. But yeah, I’ve had friends whose parents never taught them this or never learned it in school. They had NO idea what to do and ate out a lot.

            3. Elsajeni*

              The big problem I run into with recipes tends to be timing — because I’m not a very skilled or confident cook, it tends to take me longer to do basic things like “chop an onion” or “grate 1/2 cup of cheese” than the recipe expects, which means that either the order of the steps as written doesn’t work for me (something gets burnt or overcooked while I’m preparing the next thing to go into the pan, or something that’s supposed to stay warm sits for too long and cools down, or whatever) or the whole recipe ends up taking so long and being such a pain that by the time I’m done I just want to set everything on fire and get drive-through instead. (I also run into timing issues with recipes that leave out “obvious” steps — sure, maybe I should have read through the whole thing first and realized I would need to grate that cheese, but it would have helped if the ingredients list had said “1/2 cup of cheese, GRATED” in the first place.)

          2. Rainy, PI*

            If you want some suggestions I have some, as someone who taught herself to cook as an adult. (My mother is a dreadful cook. She owns 3 herbs/spices. It’s horrifying.) If you do not, I will refrain. :D

        3. Sparkly Librarian*

          I usually say “I don’t cook” rather than “I can’t cook”. I *can* follow a recipe, and I find it hard to understand people who don’t or won’t follow instructions but then complain about the result. (Uncivil Engineer’s roommate puzzles me. There is a prescribed amount of milk in the recipe on the box.) My experience is close to JenM’s below: I don’t LIKE cooking, I don’t do it particularly well, but I have to feed myself (and occasionally others). I would never volunteer that “I cook” as a hobby or that “I’m interested in cooking” because I’m really just interested in eating. If it weren’t cost-prohibitive, I would prefer to (almost) always have meals prepared for me. “People who cook” would like to do it themselves.

          1. nep*

            Second. I would say ‘I don’t cook’.
            I’ll throw some vegetables in the oven, or heat up some garbanzo beans in a pot. Beyond that I don’t cook — choose not to. Not into it at all.

          2. MsChanandlerBong*

            That confuses me, too! My MIL is a good one for not following instructions and then wondering why everything she makes “just doesn’t come out right.” Sure, you have some leeway in cooking (I don’t like spicy food, so I often omit red pepper flakes or reduce the amount of spice in a recipe), but you kind of have to follow the basic instructions if you’re not an experienced cook and don’t know how to make substitutions. My husband’s grandmother had an amazing recipe for beef stew, so he was really excited when his mom said she made it for dinner one night. Turns out she didn’t think the tomatoes were necessary, so she omitted them without making a substitution. It tasted exactly like you would imagine: water with a little bit of beef flavor to it. It was awful. She also refuses to follow instructions for cooking times. On Thanksgiving, she put the potatoes on to boil at 11:00. She was STILL cooking them at 1:00. I was like, “Mom, it takes like 35 to 40 minutes to cook potatoes enough for mashed potatoes, not two hours.” To add insult to injury, she does not drain things well (my husband’s main memory of her cooking is eating tortellini that was still dripping with water), so the mashed potatoes were disgustingly wet and tasteless. On Christmas Eve, she makes pierogi, which would be fine if the dough was not still raw when she served them. It’s not that she can’t cook; it’s that she refuses to follow instructions.

          3. Anon and alone*

            Uncivil Engineer’s roommate doesn’t puzzle me. Some people don’t realize that there’s such a thing as a measuring cup. My brother did this with boxed mac & cheese, only he put too little milk because he used another type of cup (teacup my mom used for scooping out spaghetti sauce). I’m told it made good glue. lol.

          4. katamia*

            Yeah. I can’t chop vegetables very well because I don’t cook often enough to really have the strength/muscle memory for it. It’s a chicken-and-egg thing–I hate/avoid chopping vegetables because I’m bad at it and it takes forever, but I’m bad at it and it takes forever because I never do it if I can avoid it. But I wouldn’t say I can’t cook because I can follow directions and improvise and make things that taste fine and won’t kill you.

            1. Margaret*

              Yes, this has been the biggest hurdle for me.

              Also, as a side note on the chopping vegetables specifically – I never realized it until my now-husband was trying to get me to cook with him, but chopping veggies has always been difficult for me (even when I’ve tried) because I’m super short (5’0″). People tried to show me how before, but it felt so awkward, and it’s because I’m at a different angle to the countertop than the average person. I have to stand on my tip toes, or on a stool, or hold up my elbows oddly, and then I’m at the right angle with the knife to the cutting board to use the proper technique. I’ve gotten better at cooking now, in large part because of this realization.

        4. Perpetua*

          I second Ramona.

          Many (most?) recipes actually have many built-in assumptions. Things like: do you put it in a warm or cold pan, how exactly does “golden yellow” look like when it comes to flour, how hot should high heat actually be, etc.

          Most of it seems easy to learn if you’ve done it (or at least seen it done) at least ONCE, but if you really have no experience, it can be pretty frustrating to want to follow instructions yet be unable to actually do so.

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            Tell you what though, I feel great when I do manage it (unfortunately the flipside is feeling bad when I don’t).

            I make a mean satay, for example.

          2. Tedious Cat*

            Yup, I have no natural sense for things like “cook until golden brown” and such. I think this is why I love my Instant Pot so much: seal and walk away, no guesswork required.

          3. Temperance*

            I grew up with a mother who only made really basic / processed foods. I find that Hello Fresh is a great way to teach yourself to cook well, but I also think it’s kind of a trial and error process.

        5. copy run start*

          So I can follow a recipe… but I tend to eff-up somewhere along the line. Misread a measurement or a temprature or a time, skip a step, grab the wrong thing, etc. Usually something crucial that ruins the whole thing. And then I get super frustrated at having spent an hour and mucked up the entire kitchen for something inedible and have toast. I don’t have the skills to really do anything beyond griddle/boil/bake/nuke/toast at a fundamental level. Attempts to do more have been flaming disasters (literally). The thought of even trying to cook a “nice” meal makes me feel frustrated and depressed.

          I also don’t have a lot of interest in gourmet-style foods, so the amount of time and effort invested feels disappointing to me. I would rather have Annie’s mac and cheese (a tasty box brand) than eat a four-cheese crumbled bacon concoction at a fancy restaurant. I have food sensitivities (gluten, chicken) and have a hard time not gagging on anything that has more than 3 strong flavors or textures, so I really don’t desire more interesting/tasty food. I don’t think I experience food like other people do, and I don’t care to try anymore. I just want to insert something in the oven, wait 20 minutes, pull it out and eat.

          The extent of my skills was baking chocolate-chip cookies from scratch and making buttercream frosting (before gluten sensitivity was discovered). Neither of which I was very precise at, I just always went by “this feels right.” I was known for making a mean cookie though! My mom could cook, almost had a full ride to a great cooking school, but because of my pickiness (see above paragraph), she kept it pretty basic when I lived at home. Dad is an utter disaster and I think I inherited his hopelessness in the kitchen. Though he likes all sorts of foods, and I don’t.

        6. Fog*

          So this might be highly individualized, but growing up my mother and I had a very… tense relationship in the kitchen. It got to the point that I became paralytically anxious when I was asked to do something I was unsure how to do (from not knowing the correct way to chop a bell pepper to not knowing that Pan X is in Cupboard Y instead of Drawer Z).

          It took me *years* to be okay with learning in the kitchen after I moved out. Things that seemed obvious to other people simply did not occur to me, and I think a large part of that was the mental block that kept me from thinking things through (or knowing where to look to learn).

          So that’s what comes to mind for me whenever somebody says they can’t do something. That there is probably a mental block that is interfering with the information flow.

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            I’m so sorry to hear this. My dad was a bit like this, was obsessed with not wasting food (war baby and ex foster kid) so I was terrified of cooking something wrong and not being able to eat it, neither of my parents could cook very well at all and if I didn’t want to eat something I was treated like a criminal so having something I cook Go Wrong sends me into a spiral of panic and self-hatred. My husband once bought me this cute gingerbread kit for Christmas – it was in a tin shaped like a gingerbread man and had all the ingredients. I messed up, the dough was way too sticky, and he came home to me hysterically sobbing and apologising over this stupid gingerbread. I’m sure anyone else would have known how to correct it but I didn’t.

      2. JKP*

        I vividly remember the one time my dad tried & failed to cook something for me when I was a little kid (6 or 7) while my mom was out of town. Boxed mac & cheese. He put everything in the pot of water at once (water, noodles, milk, butter, sauce powder) and boiled it, but then when he strained it, all that was left was the plain noodles. And I was still expected to eat it. He literally can’t cook anything. Only warm stuff up in the microwave.

    2. JenM*

      I’m not sure if this will make sense but for me (can’t cook) it means I have no natural instincts for cooking. I see friends and family who can throw disparate ingredients together and make something tasty. I can follow a recipe but it never really turns out great. Just about edible. I also really don’t enjoy it. So … can’t cook.

      1. SignalLost*

        That’s what I mean when I say I can’t cook. I’m okay in the kitchen – can follow a recipe, comfortable deciding “this is what X means”, etc – but my mother loves cooking and constantly innovates, with either her own ideas or with recipes. She understands what makes a dish work and how to iterate it or change it. I do not.

      2. Jules the First*

        I think this kind of cooking (throw something together from raw ingredients) is mostly a practice thing – Mark Bittman has a lovely essay on how there are four different stages of “being able to cook” which is well worth looking up. His argument is that being able to throw together a delicious dinner out of the contents of a fridge is the top step in cooking skill (like, say, playing an instrument well…) and that getting there takes a ton of practice. Could I have thrown together something edible from my fridge a decade ago? Hell no. Can I do it today? Absolutely. The difference? Ten years of cooking, seven nights a week, 52 weeks a year.

        1. Emily*

          Yes, this is how it happened for me, as well. (Though I’m not sure I’m at stage four yet…) When I started cooking, I was at the boxed mac and cheese level. Through baby steps and copying other people’s cooking, I learned how to cut vegetables (which seems very intuitive now, but wasn’t when I was starting out), stir-fry/saute things, and etc. Now, I’m usually able to try a new recipe – even one with unfamiliar ingredients and techniques – and have it come out tasty on the first try.

          Like a lot of things, I think that reaching a certain level of knowledge or skill makes it easier to continue gaining skills in that domain, but the startup is hard.

      3. Gloucesterina*

        This might sound weird, but I have long been able to cook (in the sense of being able to follow directions properly to make thing X) but it took me about 3-5 years into adult life cooking for myself on a regular basis where I actually began to like the meals I cooked.

        Another way of putting this is that cooking taught me what I like to eat.

        Also, I didn’t know about using salt when I started cooking for myself. Big problem!!

        1. Gloucesterina*

          Part of the learning process, I think, was also figuring out a repertoire of basic, quick meals that I knew I would enjoy eating. If you don’t yet have that set of go-to meals in place, I think the mental side of things (planning, timing) is far more challenging.

    3. Undine*

      Some people consistently burn things, can’t season them, or stuff like that. My sister can cook, but she says she can’t for the life of her follow a recipe, which means she can’t bake a cake. When her kids were growing up every birthday cake was a disaster. She’s plenty smart and plenty competent, but she just can’t help herself.

      It’s like some people always kill plants.

      1. copy run start*

        I am also a plant killer…. If the air plant in my bathroom dies then I’m done with the plant kingdom for good!

        1. Someone*

          OK, offtopic for this thread, but I can’t help myself…

          Are you making sure to regularly spray your air plant (tilandsia) with distilled water? They grow in tropical regions and live on rain water (which basically is distilled water…) so they are very sensitive to hard water.

          Best way to deal with plants is to google them and get their basic need regarding water, light and substrate. And I’d say the most common and fatal mistake is in regard to water. Most common house plants thrive on moist soil but absolutely cannot deal with wet soil – it causes root rot, due to anaerobic conditions in the soil. And it can take ages till it shows in the leaves.

          1. copy run start*

            I have done nothing… it still looks green and spikey? The bathroom gets really humid when I shower. It doesn’t have any soil either, it’s just in this plastic container.

            I can’t really have any other house plants at this point since my cat eats them. I do have a bamboo at work but it’s in some sort of zombie state. It looks like it’s dying, but then it makes a new leaf and I feel like I can’t put it in the trash yet until it completely goes.

      2. Sarah*

        Speaking of people who can’t season things… I have multiple friends who don’t use salt in any of their cooking and it drives me bonkers. They say it’s because they don’t like things tasting salty, but it doesn’t need to taste salty if you just put a little in! Salt is a necessary ingredient in **every recipe.**

        I have another friend who legitimately just can’t cook (and tbh is very bad at driving as well). She’s in med school and before that was one of the best students in our very competitive high school. I think she just spends so much time being a genius she doesn’t have time or energy to teach herself how to “adult.” I once tried to teach her to make chicken stir fry, and between the food safety issues with the raw chicken and the 5 minute explanation of appropriate sizes to chop veggies to, I developed a new appreciation of people who “can’t cook.”

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      Sorry to comment so many times. I’m just having trouble collecting my thoughts as some of this is lack of confidence for me and some of it is anxiety that happens to have attached itself to cooking.

      I kind of think it’s like anything: some people can teach themselves and some can’t, just cooking is a more fundamental thing we are all meant to be able to do. I can teach myself a song on the guitar by reading the tabs, I taught myself HTML by reading tutorials and looking at source code, and taught myself a bunch of sign language but that doesn’t stick for everyone.

      1. Myrin*

        Oh no, I hope my questions above weren’t making you feel bad! Please feel free to not answer if that’s the case!

        (Also, if it makes you feel better, I can’t do any of these three things in your second paragraph. Putting stuff in italics on this site is about as much code as I know.)

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Oh no, not at all! I feel bad about this because of life stuff, not because of your perfectly reasonable and kind comments!

          Cooking is just such a ubiquitously necessary skill and is seen as a basic one but I just struggle with it for both emotional and practical reasons.

          1. Kate in Scotland*

            Ramona, I can cook but you just described exactly how I feel about DIY and home maintenance.

          2. Jules the First*

            The Food Network taught me to cook. Not kidding….

            I watched hours of it before I even had access to a kitchen, and it was fabulous for learning what things were supposed to look like when they were ready, whether that was prepping or cooking. The best one, if you want to up your cooking skills, are Jamie Oliver’s 30-minute meals and 15-minute meal series – he actually cooks the dishes, live on-screen including prep and now they’re in reruns, you can buy the cookbook so you can assemble your ingredients and then cook alongside him (which I’ve used successfully to teach a couple of friends to cook). The brilliant thing about his stuff is that each recipe teaches you a basic cooking skill that you can then practice and hone (and he does bits about which pieces of kitchen kit will really save you time and effort and which ones are gimmicky and not useful).

            If you’re more a reader than a watcher, I highly recommend ‘Cook with Jamie’ which is that reference book you were looking for which assumes you know nothing (including that the potato needs to be stabbed before you put it in the microwave), all in a handy indexed volume accompanied by recipes which will let you practice specific skills and get used to filling in the shorthand of the kinds of recipes that appear on blogs and in other cookbooks.

          3. Garland not Andews*

            For learning to cook I would recommend the book “How to Boil an Egg” by Jan Arkless. It explains everything.

          4. Gloucesterina*

            I learned a lot from watching Lida Bastianich’s cooking show on PBS–partly because 90% of her recipes begin with toasting garlic and red pepper flakes in olive oil. There’s something so pleasing and ritualistic about starting to cook that way, I learned to enjoy the process rather than seeing it as a chore.

            That said, I still hate prep work because I am slow.

      2. leGenevieve Shockley*

        I have no understanding of HTML, but I taught myself ASCII years ago and then data-base using Microsoft Access.

        My point, most computer coding uses a specific organization and plan.

        Cooking/baking is much the same way. I got to where I really enjoyed cooking once I re-organized my kitchen. I USED to stack my pots and pans inverted pyramid style. I hated to cook because I would have to take the whole stack of pans out of the cabinet (usually lower because it offered greater height) to get to the pan that I wanted and then replace the stack back in the cabinet to get it out of the way. Then after the pan(s) were washed, I would have to remove the stack again to put the clean pans away.

        But once I got a heavy tension extension rod and placed it between the upper walls of my (admittedly narrow) kitchen, I was able to hang the pots and pans from that rod and take down JUST the pan I wanted to use. You could also get 2-inch closet dowel rods and holders for extra support. Google closet rod holder because I don’t know how to put a link in.

        I also got pocket style shoe sorters, hung them over the closest door in the kitchen (pantry and/or laundry room door) and placed my cooking utensils (spoons, knives, spatulas, etc.) in the pockets . This meant that I didn’t have to go digging through drawers to get the utensil that I needed.

        Other than this, learn the ways of cutting vegetables, onions, etc because being able to cut uniform pieces of food goes a long way in cooking.

        If there isn’t a cooking school near you, check out/buy a copy of
        THE KITCHEN COUNTER COOKING SCHOOL by Kathleen Flinn.
        (How a few simple lessons transformed nine culinary novices into fearless home cooks)

        Also, I personally prefer to get canning jars to use to store left overs. The clean in the dishwasher easier than plastics, and with common sense can be used in the microwave or heated up in a pan of hot water. And you can often find them at garage sales to save some money.

        Ok. I’ll get off my soap box now.

    5. AlaskaKT*

      I have a friend who literally can’t cook. She’s just super ditzy about ingredients and what certain pans are for in the kitchen. She’s the kind of person who consistanly uses metal spatulas on non stick pans, and soaks cast iron to clean it *shudders*. She lives with her sister who does most of the cooking for them.

      Oh, she’s also banned from using the microwave at work. She’s managed to light something on fire with it THREE times.

      Other than that, my husband can’t cook. Part of that is living on ramen and Mac & cheese growing up, so he never had any practice. Now he’s married to me he doesn’t bother to try. If it isn’t some kind of heat and serve from a can he doesn’t do it, and would rather go hungry waiting for me than make something himself.

      1. Temperance*

        FWIW, I grew up with a lazy mother, too, and I still know how to cook. I think all adults should be able to feed themselves.

        1. AlaskaKT*

          Without getting into it to much, his step mom wasn’t a lazy cook, she cooked big meals for the family all the time. He just wasn’t allowed to eat them.

          Luckily I love cooking, so I don’t mind doing it for him.

        2. Ramona Flowers*

          I’m sure you didn’t mean it like this, but it’s exactly this kind of opinion that makes me feel so inadequate that I end up feeling too anxious to try and improve.

          1. Djuna*

            I grew up with a mom who suffered from depression, and a dad who once tried to serve us uncooked, defrosted chicken nuggets for dinner.
            I mostly took over cooking at home at age 13, out of necessity.

            My mom’s sister was a lazy cook (she never cooked, it was fish and chips every night), and sent 4 children out into the world who literally could not boil an egg.

            I think cooking is often an emotionally loaded thing for so many reasons, but we all come from different places when it comes to food, and you should never feel bad about where you fall on the cooking spectrum.

        3. Cara*

          Wow.

          I’m 41, can’t cook, and haven’t starved to death yet. But your concern is much appreciated. /sarcasm

    6. Fifty Foot Commute*

      I think a lot of people who say that mean, “I have no interest in cooking, and therefore no experience so I am not confident in my ability to make things.”

      Then there are people with executive dysfunction; cooking and baking requires using a lot of skills simultaneously, and for me at least, depending on how well I’m doing on a particular day I may or may not be able to cook. (But when I’m good, I’m really good, if I do say so myself. ^_^)

      1. Kate in Scotland*

        I hear you on the executive dysfunction. I am a decent cook, but had to ban myself entirely from cooking when hungry or tired (now I batch cook at weekends).

    7. Anonak*

      When I say that I can’t cook, I mean that I

      1. Lack basic cooking skills. I cannot cut and dice things evenly. I am usually confused about whether something is done or not (I once left a singlechicken breast in the oven for over an hour because the broken thermometer I was using told me that it wasn’t done yet.)

      2. I’m not great at juggling multiple things cooking at one time (e.g. an entre and appetizers) I find it very stressful.

      3. It’s a hell of a lot of work. Cooking a full meal takes forever, at least for me.

      4. Requires you to have a stocked pantry/fridge. I’m single and I’m generally cooking for one, so it seems like ingredients go to waste all the time. Also I hate grocery shopping.

      5. Cooking requires lots of doing dishes. I hate doing dishes.

      6. Inevitably, whatever I’ve put my hard work into turns out poorly and I’m either forced to eat something gross, or figure out something else to eat.

      Strangely, though I find baking much much easier than actual cooking.

      1. SignalLost*

        Baking is not cooking. Baking is chemistry; cooking is performing music. I’m an okay cook, though a lot of what you said here applies to me – also generally cooking for one and haaaaate spending time on food when I could spend it on something much more interesting – but I’m an amazing baker. The logic is totally, totally different.

    8. Thlayli*

      It depends. Some people literally cannot cook an egg without making it too runny or too hard. And some people are just humblebragging. And then lots of people are in between.

      I used to say I was a terrible cook but what I meant was I know how to cook only very specific things. Now I know how to cook a few more things and sometimes I even go off piste and ignore the instructions (shock horror). So now I think I’m a great cook. But in reality I was probably slightly below average before and now I’m slightly above average.

    9. FD*

      I work with a number of people who don’t know how to cook at all, like not even from mixes, and literally don’t own things like pans.

      I will admin I find it a little bizarre since I’ve been using a stove on my own since I was 8. Which I grant you IS probably a little young, but it still makes me side eye at people who are intimidated by things like boxed cake mixes.

      1. Rookie Manager*

        Made my mum a surprise birthday cake from scatch at age 8. In some countries we’d be running the household at that age!

    10. Rookie Manager*

      My partner “can’t cook”. Its a mixture of not being allowed in the kitchen as a kid (which is where I picked up all the basics and then some), a dislike of instructions, not being fussy about what he eats and lack of confidence.

      He doesn’t want to learn but can now do basic ‘oven food’; you know, take something out the freezer, put ot in the oven, turn after 10 minutes, remove when ready. He once tried to cook pasta when I was sick, he boiled it for over an hour (!) and the pasta congealed into one giant lump. I had to secretly take a photo for my family as I’d never seen anything like it! We have since discussed the advantages of using a timer and how it is possible to over cook things.

    11. Lady Jay*

      I was actually wondering the exact same thing earlier this week! :) So I’ve enjoyed hearing everybody’s perspective.

      But after reading through the comments, I think the key is a willingness to learn. I actually love cooking! And I grew up with a mother who made sure I learned the basics, like how to hold a knife. Even so, and even after nearly ten years of living independently, there are still things I’m learning. I texted my mom at 6:30 AM a month back, to ask about keeping raw hamburger safe, and only two years ago, I was frying eggs on HIGH heat and then wondering why the oil in the pan was smoking.

      Anybody can cook as Remy would say (Ratatouille), as long as they’re willing to make mistakes at first and find stuff out (Google is your friend). And not everyone will be interested, which is okay too.

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        It also helps if you have a mom to ask when you’re stuck, and if you’ve learned to feel okay about making mistakes.

        1. Lady Jay*

          Well, there’s also Google. :)

          But no, I get your point. That’s why I found it so interesting to read everybody else’s points, because your experiences shed light on why following a recipe is more difficult than it seems at first glance. I appreciate y’all sharing.

    12. Chaordic One*

      I never really learned to cook until I was an adult. The thing about cooking that no one ever really admits is that it is kind of boring, just standing there waiting around for something to boil, or brown, or bake. Timing matters and you really do have to pay attention to do it well.

      At first, I got bored and would go off and start doing something else, while waiting for the boiling or browning or baking and then, while I was off doing something else, whatever I was cooking would inevitably burn. So I don’t do that anymore. Well, not nearly as much.

      As someone who has food allergies to things in most prepared and prepackaged foods, and who has to cook because I’d probably starve to death if I didn’t, I’ve actually become a pretty good cook. It requires attention to detail and it’s not my favorite thing to do in the world. but after a while it sort of becomes intuitive and second nature. It would bug me if my obituary said something about my being a good cook.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I so get this.

        Growing up, learning to cook meant a lot of yelling so I decided to skip it. When I married I had to cook for a diabetic who was afraid of a stove. I got him to help with the cooking and years later he made some cakes from a diabetic recipe, just because it was interesting to him.

        With my allergies by the time I prepare a meal I do not want it. Eating is a chore, on top of preparing the food.
        I am told I am a good cook. I tell people they cannot say that in public. I do not want more opportunities to cook than I already have. If someone else wants to cook they are welcome to do it.

        I have been on my own for a while now and I eat simple meals. Plain veggies, plain meat. I get worried that I have lost my sense of what appeals to others since my diet is not mainstream.
        With all these things combined, I will tell people, “I don’t cook” or “I am a lousy cook”, whatever it takes to get out of meal prep. (This method does NOT work. People think I am joking.)

    13. Sylvia*

      I think some people have certain topics that just make them have a mental blue screen of death. Maybe they’re afraid of embarrassing themselves by being a beginner. Maybe they are convinced that it’s a “talent” and not a “skill,” and they don’t believe they can learn to do it.

      For someone I know, it’s art. She’s very good at crafts and other creative work, but if something is “an art,” she is so convinced that she is incapable that she won’t even try. Say “art” and she shuts down. For me, it’s singing. For some people, it’s anything they call “technology,” or “I’m not good with computers,” and we’ve seen the letters to Alison about how that goes.

      Anyway. “Can’t cook” is a common variation on the nonsensical “can’t _____” problem. I’ve never been able to get someone out of thinking this way (and nobody’s ever convinced me I can learn to sing). It is frustrating, though.

    14. Stellaaaaa*

      It’s sort of like fashion. You know how some people are able to throw together perfect outfits with a good balance of accessories and also match their makeup accordingly? Something similar applies to cooking. I can make soup out of a can and add seasonings, I can make anything that comes in a box, and I can basically cobble together something that I’m having a specific craving for. I say I can’t cook because I lack the instinct for putting together a complete and well-coordinated meal. I’ll make a pot of pasta and graze on it for a few days, grabbing other stuff out of the fridge as I want other flavors and food groups. But an actual meal? Different foods that all work together on the same plate? That I cooked with divided attention at the same time? No way.

      1. TL -*

        I don’t think most people just can throw things together to look good – being fashionable requires work and interest and the willingness to live through their mistakes. A lot of people who can’t cook, I think, are afraid of making mistakes in the kitchen, which is why starting young helps – I made some gawdawful meals between 8 and 15 but by the time I was on my own, I was convinced that a) I could eventually make something to feed myself and b) turning out a culinary disaster was annoying and amusing, but never a huge deal. You can always make your version of a PB&J instead.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          I wasn’t talking about the practice. I was referring to the talent and instinct. Even with practice, there are lots of people who will never develop the “artistry” that it takes to predict whether certain ingredients or foods will work together, and I think it’s important to acknowledge that. No amount of practice starting from the age of 5 would have made me a star basketball player. I just don’t have the talent for it.

          1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

            I’m with you. The only reason I managed to learn how to make basic meals with more than two food groups is because of other people. Either I’m feeding them or they’re telling me what meals to make with recipes and then after years of practice I have a tiny set of go to possible vegetables, starches, and proteins. I’ll still ask twitter what in the name of all that’s holy should be made of (list of random ingredients), though. And by George, the real cooks always have an idea. I love them.

          2. TL -*

            But if I asked someone if they could play basketball and they said no because they weren’t as good as Kobe Bryant, that would be a silly metric to answer by. Same with cooking – the ability to cook doesn’t mean you’re a master chef food artist ninja. It just means you can make reasonably good food the majority of the time you try to.

          3. Jules the First*

            I’m the first to admit that I don’t have the “artistry” to assemble a dish from scratch – but I can fake it, thanks to a lovely reference volume called The Flavor Bible which is basically an index of ingredients that lists the other ingredients that top chefs would combine with it.

            So, for example, I can look up “Cod” and learn that good combinations include anchovies, basil, beans, carrots, celery, chives, fennel, ginger, cured ham, leeks, mushrooms, potatoes, and tomatoes. Or I can use one of the ‘chef shortcuts’ and go for cod with mushrooms and sweet peas in tarragon sauce, or cod with capers, chives, lentils, and potatoes.

    15. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      I can cook edible meals and on occasion even knock it out of the park, and I cook most of our family dinners but conversely I have also: set off the fire alarm a dozen times, burnt things to a crisp, sliced open my hand and at least three other fingers on different occasions, set my hair on fire (no fire alarm that time), and have never managed an even fine mincing of any onion or other minceable food, ever, but that last is more due to hand pain troubles than any general incompetence.

      There are times I probably shouldn’t be trusted in the kitchen but as long as there are no witnesses and no one gets sick, then I am … kinda … capable of cooking. I mean, food gets made and eaten anyway.

      On the other hand, I’ve got friends who have degrees and can’t be left alone to boil water or something goes terribly wrong. I haven’t figured out if they just need more time to hide the evidence and learn from their mistakes like I do or if it’s never gonna happen.

    16. Ramona Flowers*

      I’ve been trying to think how best to express this without offending people, and I apologise if I don’t manage it as well as I’d like.

      When people talk about learning to cook, and how they were able to do it, there are often things that have helped them, and those things tend not to be universal, but can feel normative or even privileged. Cooking is a basic and necessary skill, but not everyone can do it.

      Firstly it takes knowledge. For example of which foods are good for you, what they look like when they’re NOT cooked properly, whether they can be stored and reheated, and how to do that.

      It can help if you have, or have had, at least some of the following things, listed in the order they occur to me rather than an order of priority. You can learn without these, but it’s harder/means there are more barriers:
      1. A family home growing up
      2. People in that family who knew how to cook and showed or taught you how to do it
      3. People in that family who made food, cooking and eating enjoyable and safe for you
      4. An okay relationship with food as a result
      5. The ability to cope with making mistakes and therefore to engage in positive risk-taking
      6. Enough money to feel okay about trying to cook and having to throw it out as it went wrong
      7. Access to a functional kitchen
      8. Safe experiences in the kitchen e.g. never having gone to hospital after burning your hand
      9. Good memories of kitchens rather than bad ones
      10. Experience of using kitchen equipment*
      11. Lessons at school about food and cooking
      12. Ability to anticipate and understand the unspoken and unexplained assumptions in recipes
      13. Someone you feel able to call and ask questions if you don’t know
      14. Someone you feel able to ask for basic help who is capable of teaching you without taking over or losing patience
      15. Not being discouraged from asking for help after too many people laughed at you or told you to “just follow a recipe”
      16. Ability to read or have recipes read to you
      Etc, etc.

      (*For example I grew up without a microwave. Nowhere on either a microwave or a potato does it say to prick holes in them. Everyone just knows. If someone hadn’t told me a funny story about an exploding potato I wouldn’t have known when I got my first microwave.)

      And how do you fix this stuff? Money. Money for ingredients you might end up wasting and for other things to eat if that happens. Money for therapy to help you learn to make mistakes without having panic attacks or crying or hating yourself. Money for kitchen equipment. Money for a home with a decent kitchen.

      If you don’t have money, you need other things. Confidence. Knowledge. Resourcefulness. Ability to predict what you have a decent chance of cooking well. Maybe you need access to a food bank.

      You cannot get all of this just by following a recipe. When people say all adults should be able to cook, and that they did it by following recipes, they’re often not thinking of all the other things that enabled them to be able to follow a recipe in the first place.

      I don’t mean to offend or chastise anyone here. I just thought this was a point worth making.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I reallllly like this. You have laid this out so well. I have thought of cooking as one of those things that like an octopus, cooking has tentacles that go into many other non-food areas.

        Start talking about cooking and a person can instantly jump to how their parent would not give them food as a child; the money wasted on the roast they burned last week and wondering how to pay the mortgage this month. And all we did was mention what we had for dinner yesterday.
        Cooking can carry a heavy weight/charge because it is a necessity that we eat. It’s not optional. Food has us cornered and we have no say in the matter.

        Thanks for this post. There is a lot of thinking behind it, nice job on that.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Thanks for reading and replying so kindly. I have to say the octopus is a great metaphor.

      2. mamabear*

        Thank you for posting this. I am pretty judgy about adults who can’t cook, but this made me think about it differently.

      3. Gloucesterina*

        So much wisdom here! I also think that cooking has so often been a gendered activity that cooking skills are also not often recognized as skill or knowledge–you do it or you don’t do it. When as you demonstrate here, it’s a whole complex of social and procedural knowledge.

    17. Jen*

      My mom cooks but she never really taught us ourselves. My brother and I both had food service jobs and know how to cook, but I will cop to having burned my hands and arms when I was learning. I am one of those frustrating people to cook with because unless I am baking I eyeball things and don’t always measure.

      If you want to learn to cook, I would really recommend some YouTube videos. FoodWishes, lots of small DIY cooks, and watching a bunch of people doing the same thing so you get the whole process. Old school cooking shows actually often skip a lot of the hard work.

      I would recommend starting small. Baking and roasting (especially lower heat) is generally easier then frying or sauteeing and there is a wider wiggle room so you are less likely to burn. With pan cooking start with something cheap and fast (like eggs) so you can get to learn heat distribution and timing without costing money (when learning to be a line cook you do eggs and onions first).

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Serious questions: what does lower heat mean and what can you cook on it?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I think of 350 degrees as a lower heat, since I avoid anything that needs 400 degrees or more. I cook everything around that temp because I hate cooking at higher temps.
          For one thing cooking at higher temps means the food will cook faster. All it takes is a phone interruption or someone at the door and I momentarily forget the food, which burns as a result.

          The higher temps also make my kitchen unbearably hot.

          Some people like to cook on high heat because they find that it helps to lock in the meat juices. I have never had much luck with that. I end up with a burned outside and raw inside.

          Most everything I cook is 350. Sometimes a recipe will say 325 or 375, so I will set the oven according to the recipe. If I am making cookies or cakes I make sure to use the exact temperature recommended.

        2. Jen*

          Heat really depends on what you are making, what is high heat for beef is different for high heat from chicken. But generally – if you’re going to try roasting something for the first time, find a lower-heat recipe and you’ll have more wiggle room between done and burned, so if you mess up the timing, you’re less likely to make something inedibly overdone.

          People who cook absolutely everything (including meat) on super high heats don’t know how to cook. A thick piece of meat on high heat 100% will burn the outside but leave the center completely raw. You see this a lot with people who really crank up the heat on a grill, and you get hamburgers that are charred with raw centers. Not appetizing.

        3. TL -*

          Lower heat means a lower cooking temperature.

          The lower heat you cook something, the longer it takes to cook. The same cut of brisket can be barbequed (very low heat, 12+ hours), roasted on low heat in the oven (4-6 hours), or cooked at a higher heat in the oven (1-2 hours). All three would taste different.

          Almost any meat can be done a at a variety of temperatures, as can veggies.

            1. Carmen*

              This is a really insightful look at a seemingly simple concept. I did have the privilege of growing up around people who could cook and made tasty food. But when I started cooking for myself I burnt everything and set things on fire. My roommate have me 2 simple rules that helped. 1. Never cook higher than medium on the stove and don’t leave the kitchen. With those rules, and lots of practice I was able to become a good cook myself.I also recommend starting with eggs. Versatile and can use many different cooking methods.

    18. NotoriousMCG*

      So – I didn’t learn to cook pasta until I was in college. One day I called my then-boyfriend now-husband from my apartment (that I’d lived in for six months) to say, “Why do you think my burners aren’t lighting?” To which he promptly responded “You have an electric stove.”

      I just never ever learned even the most basic of tasks. When I follow recipes it uses words that I’m unfamiliar with and I really quickly get discouraged. I was MEGA PROUD of myself a year ago when I learned how to make scrambled eggs and grilled cheese from YouTube. Luckily that dude married me and he knows how to cook

    19. Nancy B*

      I’ve been teaching my children to cook, and I’m surprised by how many details are not included in recipes. These are things that I just know from years of experience. My kids can follow the recipe, but I often have to make suggestions about which tools to use (non-stick pan or cast iron? flexible spatula or rigid?), exactly how high the flame should be for cooking an egg, where the rack should be in the oven, or similar. These things feel intuitive to me, but a novice needs instruction. Or they need the tenacity to keep trying after experiencing lots of failure in the kitchen.

      I used to think, “If you can read, then you can cook,” but seeing recipes through the eyes of my children has shown me how much of good cooking comes from experience.

    20. Emily*

      Posting pretty late here, but personally I just want to say that I’m really glad my Mom taught me and my siblings how to cook and bake when we were very small. We could whip up pancakes, waffles or French toast on Saturday mornings, and bake cookies all the time. Later we graduated to more substantial things and really enjoyed it. Now we all like to cook and bake for friends and family, and it’s just such a useful skill.

  20. CatCat*

    Spouse and I are going out to dinner tonight and then to see “Phantom of the Opera.” We’re both pretty excited! He’s never seen a big theatrical production. We’re going to get dressed up. I’m going to use a snazzy vintage clutch (it’s red with black lace webbing) he gave me with my dress.

      1. CatCat*

        I’m excited for the showiness! I’ve seen the stage show a couple of times. I saw the movie version and was just kind of meh about it. Gotta say, the stage special effects and live cast make it.

    3. Knitchic*

      So jealous! My hubby gave me tickets one year for my birthday, he’d never seen a show either. He loved it! I’ve seen quite a few, but Phantom is my absolute favorite. Have fun!

  21. Confused Publisher*

    We were at a birthday party for a one-year old today. As the only childless couple of child-bearing and child-rearing age present there (we were there as moral support for the birthday child’s mother), we faced a lot of questions about why we don’t have children, phrased using wording and in tones that suggested that something was seriously wrong with us, and our marriage. As the woman in the couple, I especially came in for the bulk of the ‘but why’ and ‘surely you’ll change your mind’ comments, even though my husband manfully kept trying to answer/deflect these.
    To the best of my knowledge I’ve NEVER asked people why they failed to use birth control when told they had or were having or were planning for children. (I love – and am popular with – my friends’ kids, I’m thrilled for babies who will be arriving in the next few weeks/months, but I don’t want children, and am medically unable to have them. I don’t see why random people need access to this information, and anyway, at that point, the especially persistent would just have suggested adoption as if they were handing me the moon. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.)
    If I had hurt people like that, I would feel like I actively deserved this kind of condescending grilling, but right now, I’m just feeling really attacked about my life choices. Why do people think this is acceptable ‘social’ conversation?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I wish I knew. I’m sorry – it’s not okay for people to push on this.

    2. Penny*

      I truly don’t understand why people do this. The only times I’ve had baby countdown questions with people are when I know they’ve been planning. For example, I have two friends who got married last year. Their basic plan which they’ve told to friends was to live in their rental apartment for another year, get a house, and then start a family. They’re now in the process of house searching, and think they’ll be buying before the end of the summer. Naturally we’re asking what their baby timeline is now that they’re moving forward with their plans, but that’s only because they’ve been transparent with their plans.

      Even if I asked a married couple I didn’t know as well what their kid plans are, if they said they weren’t going to have kids, I’d breeze right past it without blinking. Maybe it’s because I’m female and, though not currently seeing anyone, I’m leaning towards a child-less life, but I’m with you that I don’t get why people are okay pushing to topic with people they don’t know that well.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Just so you know – asking people who are planning can be really stress-inducing too. It took my husband and I over a year to get pregnant and even though we’d been open about wanting kids, it did start to stress me out when people asked me how that was coming along. It can take a while and sometimes require medical assistance. And sometimes it doesn’t work out at all.

        1. Gingerblue*

          Uggggh. What do people want, a public announcement every time you have unprotected sex?

          I mean, I suspect a lot of people worry about seeming uninterested once people have told them they’re trying. But it’s such an awful thing to ask. Either you’re pregnant and not ready announce it or not pregnant when you want to be. It’s not like telling people about a much-wanted pregnancy is going to have slipped your mind.

        2. Melody Pond*

          I’m never going to have kids, but I can totally understand how this would be the case.

          Hopefully this doesn’t veer too close to the Thing We Don’t Talk About On Weekends, but after Mr. Pond got a “soft” j*b offer and was waiting for an offer letter, I finally told my mother about it – but in that conversation, I specifically asked her not to ask us if it had happened yet. I had to do the same thing with my dad – “As soon as there’s something to report, I will let you know.”

          The point is – if there’s good news? You’ll hear about it, you won’t need to ask. But if it’s bad news? I really don’t want to be asked and then have to give a disappointed “No, it hasn’t happened yet” answer. That makes it more stressful for me/us. I can see how the same principle would/might apply for many people who are trying to get pregnant, too.

      2. FDCA In Canada*

        I have to say. Please do not ask things like this of people. I have been open with family and friends about exactly the same thing and the same plan–we got married, bought a house, and told everyone then we would start a family. But we have been diagnosed with infertility and every single day is a struggle for us. It is immensely, horribly painful when people ask things like this of us. It’s not their fault, but really, there is no need for you to know information like this, which is intensely private and personal, and if they’re good friends you can trust when they will tell you. But as someone who’s been on the other side? It hurts. Very badly.

      3. Penny*

        Okay, since everyone seems to be jumping on me, I’m not being a constant nag about babies to my friend. When they were talking about houses they were looking into, they said they were factoring in how much space they’d need for a kid. That invited the timeline question where they pretty much said oh we don’t know yet, and the subject was dropped from there.

        The only other time it’s come up, we were having our girls only crafting group, with the wife there, where our conversations range all of the place with TMI stuff, including her telling us they’d just had a late period scare and only just confirmed the day before that it was a false alarm.

        I get that some people go way overboard with asking but trust me, I’m not questioning them any chance I get. They bring up babies and then I ask. But I also don’t understand why people can’t tell their friends that topic is not on the table. My friends and I have made a conversational safe word. If the conversation is moving into uncomfortable territory, say the word and the conversation stops. It started as a joke but it works great for us. I used it a lot when my friends asked me how job search was going and I was sick of talking about it.

        Obviously that wouldn’t work with random people you meet at a party but with close friends, you can be honest with ‘That’s not something I want to talk about’. If my friends said ‘we don’t want to talk about babies’, I’d say ‘Okie dokie! What movies are you excited about?’ Just move on to the next topic.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          Nah, people are being hard on you. If you have close friendships with people wherein they’re okay with you asking the specific question of how the baby thing is moving along, you don’t need to justify that to the internet. I have lots of conversations with close friends that probably aren’t okay by internet standards. Good thing the internet isn’t part of those conversations.

      4. Haggadar*

        As a childless, never married female I used to get the “when are you getting married” or “when are you having children” question – that abruptly stopped when my answer was “when are you going to lose weight?”

        People were very taken aback by that question and my response was always, “that was a really rude question to ask, wasn’t it?”

        I have no reason for not having children or being married other than personal choice. I’ve dated the same man for 14 years, so I’ve had an opportunity, just don’t want to get married…yet.

    3. Katie the Fed*

      Honestly, I think it reflects these people’s insecurities more than anything to do with you. The fact that you’re not enthusiastically opting in to their lifestyle makes them question it and wonder why you don’t find it as valuable as they do.

      That or they’re just social boors who are so wrapped up in kid-world they can’t think of anything else to talk about.

      You can probably shut it down with a “wow, that’s REALLY personal. Have you tried the punch?”

    4. JenM*

      Single and in my early (very early!) 40s so I get this and it’s companion “have you met someone” a lot. When I’m asked if I have children I always say no with a very definite note of relief in my voice. Seems to work.

      1. Workaholic*

        I’m single and in my early 40’s too. From roughly 25-35 i was bombarded with “hurry up and get married” and “you’d better hurry if you want children!” And similar. First just from women, but later guys started in on it too. Thankfully people seem to have given up on me!

        1. mreasy*

          37, recently married, with definitely plans for no kids. Looking forward to people giving up on asking in a few years!!!

    5. Overeducated*

      It’s not socially acceptable! It’s so rude and insensitive! I don’t even ask my friends who have TOLD me they’re trying because it can be a really painful subject for a number of reasons, and it should be their choice when and how to bring up. I’m sorry you were treated that way.

    6. Rainy, PI*

      I think that some of it is that some of these people see others who are thriving and happy and have made different choices than they have–and then feel attacked by the simple existence of people who have made different choices and are happy about it. I know that is dumb, but it seems to happen regardless. There’s also a very “moral” element to a lot of people’s procreation, for some reason, and people who have had children either because someone has told them it’s required or because it’s “just what people do” and didn’t really make a *decision* per se are often quite prone to the rude judgy comments.

      When someone asks me in that very negative, judgy way, I smile and say that I like to sleep and travel and I made life choices that make that possible.

    7. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I think you can probably use some of Alison’s scripts like “what a strange thing to as someone” if something like that happens again.

      Or I’d be tempted to start talking in great detail about my sex life. “Well, you know, we’ve been doing it missionary, but I hear that doggie style has a better success rate for impregnation. What’s your experience been?”

      1. Kristen*

        I really like the idea of turning the awkwardness back on them.

        Seriously though, I like the idea of using a similar script to express shock that they’d ask such personal questions.

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        Oh my god I can picture some people who would get a kick out of that response and just keep goign. Hell, I feel like I may do that! :/

    8. Melody Pond*

      I’m also part of a childless couple, also never going to have kids, and Mr. Pond and I also occasionally get asked about it (we don’t have too many friends with kids that we hang around, so maybe that’s why we don’t get it as often).

      The reasoning I’m about to discuss comes from a mishmash of reading from tons of different sources over years and years that I couldn’t possibly recall perfectly in order to cite my sources appropriately, and also from a bunch of my own observations and just some general life experience. So – as far as I can tell, this phenomenon you’re experiencing occurs because of the following:

      1. There is a very strong social convention to a) get married and b) have kids. It’s a social norm that probably dates back to a time when kids were actually kind of an economic necessity – when having more kids meant having more free labor to help around the house/the farm/whatever. Also, if you go back far enough, having kids was kind of a necessity for the overall economic growth of society (I think many people would argue that it still is necessary for long-term economic growth of a nation). So if you chose not to participate in that, maybe others really did view you as “selfish,” putting your own needs ahead of the needs of the many/society. Which is also why I believe having tons of kids has, in certain historical cultures, been viewed as a sign of wealth.

      2. The reason I suspect that you get more of it, is due to a long history of a patriarchal society where women were basically reproductive equipment (i.e., property) to be owned by their husbands, and not much more. So, while maybe the social pressure to have kids is starting to decrease, in general, the pressure on women is still stronger than on men, especially for a heterosexual couple in a long term relationship, and especially if they’re married. So while I’m sure your friends are not intentionally reducing you to your sexual/reproductive function in their minds, I do believe that this is the unconscious bias that drives most people when they tend to zero in on the female half of a married couple, and ask, “Aren’t you going to have kids? When are you going to have them? Don’t you want that fulfillment?” etc.

      This is a big trend that I’ve noticed. In many cases, social conventions or social values can be traced back to economics. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, though. And I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. :-/

      1. Beatrice*

        I think both of these are true–economic and patriarchal forces are powerful and often move unnoticed. I also think that we’re social animals, and we look a lot to other people for reassurance about what’s safe, what’s normal, etc. So any time someone does something outside the status quo of the social group, it makes people question that sense of security they had in their own choices.

        The optimist in me is also tempted to think that we have some kind of primal need to encourage the continuation of the species. That would also maybe explain (in addition to patriarchy) why people feel totally free to judge the choices of pregnant people. Whether it’s true or not, it helps me keep a sense of humor about it!

      1. Chaordic One*

        Not to be rude but, I’ve never found “why do you ask?” to be a good response to anything.

        The original questioner will inevitably have some ridiculous lame rationalization for asking the question and will then inform you of it. At least that has always been my experience.

    10. Call me St. Vincent*

      Ugh. This is awful. No one should be asking you those type of questions. It’s so none of anyone’s business and also it’s perfectly okay not to want children too. I also hate the “so when are you giving so and so a sibling?” The weirdest thing is that even people with fertility problems ask stuff like this. I had a good colleague and friend who had a child but spent 3 years and countless thousands of dollars on IVF trying to have another baby and couldn’t. Another colleague always said the “so when is so and so getting a sibling?” and it turns out after I got to knew him, it turns out that he had previously had fertility problems with his partner and they only got pregnant using IVF. I don’t know what possesses people to ask these type of questions. I am sorry!

    12. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t get this either. I hate it because I want kids and have no one to have them with and it’s just rubbing it in. I’m sick of being told to adopt or go to a sperm bank (really). If I wanted to do that, I would have–the whole point is I want to do it WITH someone, not on my effing own!

      I suppose they’re trying to bond, and people with families tend to group together and bond over their kids, school stuff, etc. But it’s annoying AF and none of their business.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      I used to think that only old people asked this question. In a different era it was FINE to almost demand that your next generation get busy on that being fruitful and multiplying stuff.

      But I see from reading here that it has not gone away YET.

      I think it’s fine to say, “You do realize that you just asked me about my sex life, right? And I barely know you…”

      I also think it’s fine to say, “You know times have changed and that is not a cool question to ask people anymore.” I have used this on other topics. “Times have changed and you might want to be aware that it is very UNcool to use that word/phrase.”

      I was lucky in that not to many people asked me when I would have kids. But I really believed that their narrow focus prevented them from being fully involved in my life/my reality. So in the end, these people lost out with their wrong focus.

    14. neverjaunty*

      These people are jerks, is what.

      It’s not socially inappropriate to ask ‘do you have children’, but if the answer is no, they should STFU.

    15. Stellaaaaa*

      I’m in my 30s and I used to tell people that I didn’t have kids because I was single and also not the vessel for the next immaculate conception, but that just caused people to make stupid dating suggestions. OMG you’re totally the first person to tell me to try online dating!!!!!11!!! I’ve never heard of eharmony before thank you, you’ve changed my life and I’m naming all my future children after you.

      I’ve started giving people graphic biological details relating to why it would likely be hard for me to conceive even if I did find a partner and end up wanting kids. Hey, they asked.

    16. ..Kat..*

      I think a lot of people are just trying to make conversation (or even bond) about something that interests them.

      I just reply that I have no children and then ask a question about their child(ren). If they ask why, I just shrug and say “it just never happened.” (No need to tell them why – birth control, didn’t want them, unable to have them, whatever.). And then ask them a question about their little darlings before they can ask more questions. Be vague, and then deflect.

    17. Whats In A Name*

      Stay in your lane people. In your lane. I am so sorry you have to be subject to this, it’s really unnecessary and rude.

    18. Confused Publisher*

      Thank you for the support and viewpoints, everyone. I’m so sorry this has happened to so many of us.
      In this instance, most of these people were strangers to me, which made the persistent needling almost more upsetting. Our friends haven’t asked since I told them about my health, my parents are supportive, whilst the in-laws are currently distracted by other (and imminent) grandchildren: so I guess I let my guard down a bit.

    19. Anon for This*

      For me, the questions began fading after I turned 30 – I think most people had simply given up by then. I usually responded to “when” questions with, “not yet; maybe someday,” because if an unplanned pregnancy occurred, I didn’t want anyone to tell Hypothetical Future Kid they’d been unplanned or “your mom didn’t WANT kids.”

      I did tell a few people that we weren’t planning on children. For the few “why nots,” I said, “I know what *I* was like as a child, and I’ve heard what *DH* was like as a child, and I’m afraid we’d pay for our raising.” ;-D

      Truth? My maternal family line suffers from huuuge gyno issues and post-partum depression (literally suicidal PPD levels). I like *not wanting to die,* and I don’t want the pregnancy-induced gyno problems. But that’s pretty heavy stuff to dump on someone who just wants to talk about babies.

    20. Sarah*

      This kind of questioning sucks. Why do these people need to know about the status of your uterus? Why do they feel they have a *right* to know?

      I’m trying to avoid these conversations later by making it very clear now to my extended family that I actually don’t like kids, don’t want them, don’t want to be pregnant, don’t want to adopt, yes, even if I “meet another man” (after breaking up with my ex-boyfriend I’m pretty sure I’d prefer to date women from now on), yes I’m sure, no I won’t change my mind, etc, etc.

      I wish you the best of luck with the intrusive interrogations. Let me know if you figure out a way to get these people to pipe down.

    21. nonegiven*

      1st time, “Please, drop it.” small forced smile
      2nd time, “Drop. It.” no smile
      3rd time, Say nothing and leave, calmly but immediately.

      They will stop asking

    22. Nervous Accountant*

      Late to the convo, but as someone who’s desperately trying and had 3 losses prior, most recently about a week+ ago, it makes me avoid meeting/talking to new people period. As biased as it sounds, there are a certain group of people I’d avoid (of the same ethnicity/background as mine) bc I know it’s the first thing they’d ask. It’s getting harder to go to baby showers and birthday parties, but I avoid talking about this so openly because last thing I’d want is to be not-invited to “spare my feelings.”

      I’ve always had a response ready for when someone says something ridiculous to shut them up, but I haven’t had to use it yet thank goodness.

  22. Not Karen*

    Somewhat rhetorical question: Why are renters required to give their landlord 30 days (or more) notice yet landlords can post new rentals for immediate occupancy only?

    1. Sparkly Librarian*

      It would be nice if housing worked like employment, right? You look around for a place, apply and get accepted somewhere you like, then give notice to your current landlord and move into the new place (that’s held for you) when the notice is up.

      I hated apartment-searching because I like to plan ahead and it seemed like new listings only went up in the last week of the month. If my lease is up on February 1st, say, and I gave my 30 days’ notice and am looking for a new place to live, I need to know before January 27th that I won’t be out on the street!

      1. Not Karen*

        Exactly. Maybe some people are willing to take the risk of giving notice without having a place lined up, but not me!

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      Renters are only required to give 30 days notice by the contract you sign, not by law. The law protects the renter in that way- you do have to be given 30-60 days notice, depending on factors- you can’t just be thrown out on zero notice. Whereas, if you hadn’t signed a lease saying otherwise, you could totally move out with no notice.

      As to why it sometimes happens, if you’d ever seen a rental property after someone has moved out- or tried to show a rental someone else is living in!- you’d know why. If the landlord would have to be able to accurately know exactly how much cleaning and damage they are going to be left with, in order to show it before the tenant moves out- with limited legal rights to start things beforehand. And they often honestly can’t afford for the rental to sit unoccupied for 30 days while you wait out your notice.

      1. Not Karen*

        I have seen rentals both empty and occupied of comparable quality and condition.

        If you “can’t afford” for a rental to sit unoccupied for a short time, then you can’t afford to own rental properties.

            1. Jessesgirl72*

              It means that you don’t get to decide for someone else what they can or can’t afford or should or shouldn’t do, and that things should be run the way that would most benefit you. If you don’t like the way rentals are run, then stop renting. After all, you’ve already determined what someone else should be able and willing to afford, so you shouldn’t object if someone else determines that for you, right?

              1. Jean (just Jean)*

                >If you don’t like the way rentals are run, then stop renting.
                Please be nice. I’ve been renting for 35 years. As Huntington points out below, sometimes “life happens.” From my own extensive experience I find that most tenants are plain old folks who do their best to meet life’s responsibilities. We may be occasionally inconsiderate re playing our music too loudly or leaving our clothes in the dryer too long, but we are not aspiring deadbeats, bums, and/or vandals.

                As for why some of us turn into decades-long renters? I can think of at least four reasons:
                1. Sometimes people find themselves on the “less prepared” end of the “how-do-you-handle-money?” spectrum. This happens for all kinds of reasons ranging from “too unfocused to get my head together” and “too idealistic to take a job that actually pays me enough to save for a down payment” to “still haven’t figured out how to personify or at least project the type of presence (stable, confident, mature, and possessing relevant skills) that gets me a decent-paying job so I can stabilize my life and start saving.”

                2. It’s possible to inherit money stress from older family members who for whatever reason could not get past their own earlier money troubles. Some people find it hard to defy their early lessons in learned helplessness.

                3.Some people have money-earning troubles completely beyond their control (e.g., entering the job market right as the economy tanks, or arriving in an unfamiliar country & culture, with skills that don’t translate well into the new environment, after escaping life-threatening chaos in one’s country of origin).

                4. People can end up renting instead of paying a mortgage due to medical emergencies and/or chronic conditions that
                1. enter the family via random chance or previously undetected genetic certainty
                2. compel the family to choose between providing a household income and caring for the vulnerable family member
                or 3. compel the family to sell their previously owned residence in order to raise cash to face the immediate crisis.

                Sorry for the run-on sentences.

                1. Jean (just Jean)*

                  I seem to have written the real-estate version of Ramona Flowers’ response to “why can’t everyone just learn to cook?”
                  tl;dr: Sometimes people are “stuck” for reasons that go way beyond the scope of “just follow the recipe,” whether making stew or taking out a mortgage. Life can be very, very hard if people have to build their own emotional/intellectual/financial/common-sense infrastructure.

                2. Not So NewReader*

                  The one I am seeing now, is people are saying that they want a life they do not want to be shackled to a building that needs constant repairs.

                  But I think it is fair to say that any business owner should be prepared to do what is necessary to run a business. This applies to landlords, fresh paint, maintenance work and regular repairs are not optional. Yet so many landlords can go for years without ever inspecting the property for repairs or doing any upkeep work. There’s horror stories all over the internet showing extreme examples of these type of landlords.

                3. Jessesgirl72*

                  We rented for 13 years because we couldn’t afford anything different in the Bay Area. Yes, we had to give 30 days notice and dealt with landlords who were completely unwilling to give us 30 days to move in. We didn’t complain about it, because that is just the nature of the business. As never jaunty points out, the requiring 30 days notice is not the same as wanting immediate occupancy- it is the same as the landlord also having to give you 30 days notice when he wants you to move.

                  During those years, we moved 7 times. We saved up to cover 2 rents for a month or in most cases, part of a month because unless it’s a super hot rental market (and it was once or twice when we moved) they are usually willing to push the move in date a couple weeks. I never had to give notice before I had a new rental secured.

                  And I was being as nice as Not Karen. She was very belligerent about landlords shouldn’t be landlords unless they can do things the way she wants them, when I simply explained the basic fact of why they don’t do it that way.

                4. MindoverMoneyChick*

                  “As for why some of us turn into decades-long renters? I can think of at least four reasons:
                  1. Sometimes people find themselves on the “less prepared” end of the “how-do-you-handle-money?” spectrum. This happens for all kinds of reasons ranging from “too unfocused to get my head together” …

                  2. It’s possible to inherit money stress from older family members who for whatever reason could not get past their own earlier money troubles. Some people find it hard to defy their early lessons in learned helplessness”

                  So much yes to both of these! The analogy between not really knowing how to money and not really knowing how to cook is perfect too. So many of my clients just never learned the basic skills (and if their parents didn’t have the skills that is even more likely to be true.) Some people don’t even know what skills they are lacking, some do but don’t know how to even start the learning process. In some ways this stuff isn’t rocket since, but if you haven’t even been given the basics at some point in your youth, it takes help from someone else, or a serious self-direct effort to learn.

                  As some one who was given the basics and then some by may parents, the knowledge gaps many people have regarding finance really surprised me. But now I see how common place it is and frankly almost inevitable, given that we don’t teach this stuff in school as a matter of course.

                  I’d bet more people know who invented peanut butter than know what compound interest is.

              2. LadyKelvin*

                That is a really priveleged thing to say. I live in an area where median house prices are are 950k. We both Have well paying jobs but we laugh at the idea that we could afford a home anytime soon. For one thing our mortgage would be more than our current rent and that doesn’t even factor in costs like taxes, maintenance, etc that we don’t have to deal with as renters. if people can’t afford to be renters as you say, where do you suggest they live? On the street?

    3. Huntington*

      It’s getting to be the norm where I live to be required to give 60 days notice! Which as you can imagine causes all sorts of difficulties if life happens… (layoffs, death or sickness in family, etc)

    4. neverjaunty*

      These things are not the same. A landlord (at least in the US) must also give renters notice that they have to leave.

  23. AnonAvenger*

    Does anyone else has as much trouble with the Ask A Manager site as I do? I do a lot of Internet surfing but AAM is the only website I visit that has trouble loading. The ads frequently stop the page from loading, or freeze it so I can’t scroll or type. And it’s not just my computer; I’ve tried it on other computers and no dice. Even my phone can’t load it and will often refresh the page over and over again trying to make it work.

    I’m a long time reader of AAM and tt seemed to be working fine up until a few months ago. Allison, I don’t know if you changed servers or ad-bots or whatever but I wanted to give a heads up that AAM is becoming nearly unreadable for these glitches. No matter what computer, Net connection, browser, whatever I try; I seem to have trouble. Even this comment gave me so my trouble to write, I wrote it in a Word document and copied/pasted it over here.

    I’m curious to know if others have encountered similar things.

    1. CatCat*

      Yes, it noticeably slows down performance across devices (Android phone, desktop PC, laptop Mac). On my Mac, it sometimes crashes my browser.

    2. Candy*

      Yeah, it always crashes on my iphone (using Safari). Even when I’m quick to close the ads it still has problems.

    3. Me too!*

      Yes! It’s off the charts and so annoying that I now visit much less. BTW, I only read AAM on my iPhone 7, and it’s the same reloading issues on both Safari and Chrome.

    4. ampg*

      Yep! I have the reloading issues on mobile and when I have it open in chrome on my desktop the whole thing runs painfully slowly.

    5. MicroManagered*

      Yes! The ads are out of control, to be honest. I get animated ones with sound–really annoying if I’m taking an AAM break at work and forget my speakers are on!! The site just crashes while I’m posting a comment a lot too. So frustrating!! I’m not sure if it’s the ads or if it’s getting more traffic than the server for the site can handle.

    6. Jen RO*

      I haven’t noticed anything like that… Samsung S7 and Chrome on two different computers. (But I do use AdBlock on both computers – nothing on my phone.)

    7. copy run start*

      I have to quickly hit the close button on the ads that pop on the bottom when on mobile. Sometimes they’re fine (just take up space) but every 1 in 10 redirects me to another site and I have to wipe the browser to get it back. Trying to write a comment is sometimes horrible — there’s a 5 second delay between my typing and it appearing on the screen. However that might be my phone, it’s getting up to the 1.5 year mark and in general appears to be getting slow. I should do a wipe and restore on it soon. (Android 6.0, Chrome)

      I confess to using an ad-blocker on my desktop, so I don’t see anything. I have no problems on desktop. (Win 10, Opera) My desktop is also pretty beefy (16 gigs of RAM) so… I’m probably not the best desktop example.

    8. Rainy, PI*

      Recently I had to install adblock because on a couple of websites, AAM being one of them, the video ad at the end of the post before the comments would “seize” my reading, such that while I was actively trying to read comments, the ad would keep scrolling the pane back up to the ad to play the video.

      Adblock seems to have fixed that.

    9. nep*

      Yes — a lot of problems with it freezing, page not loading…Worse on one computer than on another but never 100 percent smooth. Not sure why.
      Have you reported it in her section for tech issues?

    10. Annabelle Lee*

      Yes, same issues. On iPhone, iPad, PC (IE, Chrome). Highly annoying. It’s really cut down on my frequency of reading.

    11. Fifty Foot Commute*

      I read exclusively on iOS (mostly Safari, some Feedly) and I’ve never had an issue. I use both 1Blocker (paid for the upgrade) and Adblock (the one with the black and red anti-phone logo).

      1. Mimmy*

        I read mostly on Safari too, and occasionally, the scrolling gets sluggish, almost as if there is some background process that slows things down.

    12. MommyMD*

      It pops off repeatedly when I’m reading and it took my three tries to get through one question. It doesn’t matter if I stop visiting the site, but overall it could affect new readership. It’s very unstable.

      1. JaneB*

        not too bad on my iphone 5s, almost unusable on windows 10 with Firefox, adequate on Chrome on a faster machine. \not quite bad enough to keep me away, but aggravating!

    13. Vicky Austin*

      Every morning 5 questions crashes chrome on my iPhone. The rest of it works fine.

    14. LCL*

      Not a bit of trouble. I view on windows machine at work, iPad at home. I’ve never tried reading it on my droid or windows phone.

    15. OhBehave*

      Sometimes it takes a long time to write a comment. It will freeze then start back up but not where I left off typing. It is often very slow and ads are annoying.

    16. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’m going to send this thread to my ad network. But meanwhile, I encourage anyone who’s experiencing this to use an ad blocker, as it will fix it 100%.

      1. neverjaunty*

        There are also ads that don’t in fact let you turn the sound off, and there’s no easy way to report them.

    17. Stellaaaaa*

      The only site worse than AAM re: ads is avclub. My ad blocker shows how many scripts it’s blocking and here it’s often around 30. Avclub gets up to 60 or 70.

    18. ..Kat..*

      I almost never have these problems on my iPad mini using Safari. If I do, I turn my iPad all the way off and then restart it. This usually solves the problem. If not, it is usually high traffic on AAM or my husband is hogging the wifi with a massive download.

      The one ad I HATE is Credit Karma. They will have this half an inch to an inch tall ad across the bottom of my screen. If I touch on this ad, I get rerouted to their website. BUT, many times touching an inch (or two inches or even the half of the screen above their ad – it varies) takes me to their website as well. Knock it off Credit Karma! This never happens with the other ads at the bottom of the screen, so this tells me Credit Karma is being a jerk.
      And their ad is animated. I wonder how much this slows my iPad down.

    19. Jen*

      The good news is I was one of the people having trouble with redirecting ads on my phone from this site (I had to reinstall crhome a couple times) and that problem seems to have gone away for me.

    20. MindoverMoneyChick*

      No worse for me than other sites, but everything seems to have gotten a lot worse these days. That’s the price of free content, I guess.

    21. KAZ2Y5*

      I have Adblock Plus on my home computer and don’t have problems. It is a little slower on my phone – I have something on my phone but can’t remember what! But I can’t read AAM on my work computer. We have Windows 7 and are not allowed to download anything to our computers (like an adblock program). I think it is the video that does me in at work – if that part was dropped I would be a happy camper.

    22. nonegiven*

      I gave up and installed just about everything I could think of that blocks scripts from executing and Flash.

    23. a Gen X manager*

      I have this problem on my laptop at home, but not on my PC at work. Both computers have the same OS, ad blocker, anti-virus, software and I’m using the same browser (Chrome). I have no idea why this happens on (and only on) the laptop.

  24. Legalchef*

    My in laws are here this weekend to help get ready for the baby and my MIL started the visit by asking me multiple times how I am coping without being able to eat pizza, since NYC has such great pizza.

    I have gestational diabetes. So thanks for rubbing THAT in…

    1. No, please*

      I’m sorry. That’s totally rude. Congratulations on your baby! I hope this visit becomes surprisingly pleasant.

      1. Legalchef*

        Right??? I mean, I’m well aware of what I can’t eat, I don’t need a reminder.

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      Hey, I had GD as well and I also live in a well known pizza city. My nurse said I could have one slice with crust cut off :) I don’t know how comfortable you are taking cues from someone else’s nurse, but I say go for it as long as it doesn’t send you into crazy post-eating sugarville.

      1. Legalchef*

        Yeah, my nutritionist said I could have pizza too, but more than half a slice makes my numbers go crazy, unfortunately! It’s easier for me to just not have it then to have a teeny taste.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Ugh that sucks! I feel for you. The GD diet is tough and pregnancy is definitely no joke, even without the high risk issues that can come up with GD. You can do it though!

    4. BTW*

      If it’s any consolation, NYC does *not* have great pizza. You really have to be in Chicago for that…

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        You hush your mouth!

        Well, Legalchef, for what it’s worth, NYC has a lot of great cuisine, not just pizza, and how often do you eat pizza anyway? I didn’t crave the stuff (or bagels) until I moved out of the city. So remind her that NYC has soooo much to offer, Mom, so much more than where YOU live, so I’m doing just fine, thank you very much. (Too harshly snobbish?)

        1. Legalchef*

          Not THAT often, but I happen to have a few really excellent fancy pizza places near me that I love (and miss). And I miss bagels, too. I’m fine without it, I just don’t need to be reminded I can’t have it!

          And Chicago pizza… pfffft.

          2. Jen*

            Yeah I am from the Chicago area, but I hate Chicago pizza. It is so dense you have to take a nap afterwards and you need a fork to eat it. Nope.

      2. Stellaaaaa*

        I think NJ has the best pizza. It’s about the local water used for the dough. It’s why we have the best bagels too.

    5. Thebe*

      What IS it about pizza? I love pizza, but my husband doesn’t like cheese and therefore doesn’t like pizza. You wouldn’t believe the rude, pushy comments he gets, although he’s low-key about it. So many people, when informed, look amazed and cry: “You don’t like pizza??!!” Then they’ll tell everybody else immediately and the poor guy has to confirm it over and over again.

      1. Legalchef*

        I mean, I don’t really understand your husband, but to each his/her own! I’m sure he’s a lovely person despite his incomprehensible good proclivities :)

      2. Raia*

        I’m more stuck on the fact that he doesn’t like cheese! Is there a texture thing about it or something?

      3. Stellaaaaa*

        Pizza is such an easy “party” food for parents to give us when we’re kids and I think that carries over into adulthood. It’s the rare kid-friendly food that tastes good to an adult palate.

      4. No, please*

        I kind of get this. I don’t like melted cheese because the smell is all I can taste. But I LOVE pizza because mozzarella is very mild. My grandpa hated pizza but loves anything else with lots of cheese. We’re all a little weird I guess.

    6. ..Kat..*

      I can only have the sad, disgusting, gluten free pizzas. Which aren’t worth it. Luckily for me, I have allergies and can ‘accidentally’ sneeze (at will) on the pizza of anyone who rubs this in! Ha ha! Okay, I’ve never done this, but a gal can dream!

      1. Jules the First*

        I highly recommend the quinoa-enhanced pizza crust from the cookbook Quinoa 365 (which is worth getting for its flourless quinoa chocolate cake) and using your favourite cup for cup mix instead of the all purpose flour – it’s good enough that gluten-eaters will happily munch away.

        But I too miss pizza – I switched to the above pizza crust when I went gluten free but gave it up entirely when I had to give up cheese. Because the only thing sadder than a gluten-free pizza is a cheeseless gluten-free pizza.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Ooh. I am ordering this book now. As for your having to be both dairy and GlutenFree, I am so sorry!

  25. Katie the Fed*

    OK, I’m crowdsourcing this here.

    Even though we’re REALLY excited about this baby, a part of me is lamenting the change to our lifestyle. So we’re trying to live it up before the baby comes (at least we will when I stop puking).

    Which brings us to the pre-baby vacation. Where should we go? We’ve traveled everywhere (before we met and after) and normally we’d be perfectly happy to go to Cape Verde or something, but we’d prefer something with good infrastructure and medical care in case there’s an emergency. Zika zones are out. Timeframe is September.

    1. Undine*

      Iceland. Rugged, amazing, with remote places, but very first world and an excellent volunteer rescue system.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        We went last year! I honestly didn’t love it, actually. I found it really overrun with tourists. We may need to get off the beaten track more, but I wasn’t wowed enough to go back. :(

        1. hermit crab*

          Off-the-beaten-track Iceland can be mind-blowingly amazing — you’ll have to give it another chance sometime. I think the key is to get out of the city and to travel on the very fringes of the summer (like, as soon as the roads open). A few years ago, I hiked the Laugavegur with a couple of friends during the first week it opened for the season, and it was like being on another planet. There was nobody else around and the landscapes were just so amazing; plus it was the summer solstice so that just added to the other-worldlyness. I have a picture of my friends walking across this empty, barren, icy landscape near Landmannalaugar and honest-to-goodness it looks like they are hiking on the moon.

          I guess you’re probably not looking for a backpacking trip for your babymoon, though. :)

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I was thinking Hawaii, actually. Where did you go? I’d want to be pretty away from big tourist crowds (I’m surprisingly picky).

        2. Ramona Flowers*

          We went to Kona on our honeymoon and loved it. Definitely on the quiet, non crowded end of things.

      2. Book Lover*

        I went to Kauai for mine. It was wonderful and feltmquieter than Maui or Kona.

    3. fposte*

      What’s the goal of this vacation? Is it to go someplace you’ve never been? Because with an extensive travel history that might not mesh with “good infrastructure and medical care.” If it’s more like “take a trip that we couldn’t do with kids for many years,” you might think back over the places you have been and do a more adventurous version of your previous visit.

      I also don’t know if you’ve traveled to Southeast Asia at all, but Dan, unless he’s there right now, frequents the open threads and really enjoys traveling there and might have some good ideas; medical care and infrastructure shouldn’t be a problem in much of that region.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Hm, that’s a good question. We have’t been everywhere together (and he’s more traveled than me, so I can convince him to re-visit somewhere).

        I’m viewing this more as a relaxing, adult trip. We’ve done plenty of adventure but right now some light hiking/walks, good food, and non-extreme exploring sounds lovely.

        1. Sparkly Librarian*

          My dream vacation that falls into that category is a stay on Mackinack Island. No cars!

          2. Adele*

            Mackinac Island is fun and gorgeous in June during Lilac season. I was going to recommend a Lake Superior trip. Hiking and kayaking at Pictured Rocks, Isle Royale, Keewenaw Peninsula. Just go before or after fly season. I love all the Great Lakes. Bruce Peninsula in Ontario is lovely, too

          3. Christy*

            Oh my god, Katie, go to Mackinac Island! We drove up there as an extended detour to get to Wisconsin from the DC area. It’s gorgeous and temperate and there’s fudge and no cars and green space and two Great Lakes. I think it would be perfect for a babymoon! There’s doctors on the island and the ferry ride to the mainland is quick.

          4. Sami*

            Yes! Mackinac Island! Splurge and stay at the Grand Hotel. AMAZING place!

            And depending on where you live, Detroit’s food scene is VERY up and coming. Then head to Mackinac Island.

          5. Gray*

            Make a note to take a sweatshirt!
            I haven’t been to Mackinaw but I’ve rode the ferry twice to Manitowoc and once to Beaver Island. It can get super chilly out on the lake even when the sun is blazing- I learned that the hard way!

          6. Katie the Fed*

            I’ve always thought of Mackinac as more a family place- somewhere we could take kids. no?

            1. Christy*

              It is, for sure. When I went it was just me and my wife and it was definitely fun as adults. But if you want to save it you could.

        2. The Cosmic Avenger*

          In that case, what about a cruise or resort vacation to somewhere remote? You get the pampering with some exploring, too. Paul Gaugin Cruises is a small boat that goes to some of the really remote islands in French Polynesia, that actually came up in last week’s free-for-all thread, turns out another chatter has been on it, too! Or if you do Hawaii, the Kilauea caldera and the island of Kauai were our favorite parts.

          Whatever you do, I’m envious! We haven’t been able to fit in a big trip for a couple of years now, between first taking care of my dad before he passed, and now work stuff.

        3. Jessesgirl72*

          Last September, my inlaws went to Italy, along the Cinque Terre. They had planned to walk the entire thing, but thought better of it as it got closer. So instead they got an Airbnb near the train station, and they hiked the easier parts of the Cinque Terre, but took the train to the other villages along the way, and some days just spent their day on the beach. September is good in Italy, as most of the tourists have gone back home.

          But I’d also encourage you to not think you can’t travel with the baby! It’s going to be different, but if you want to create a traveler, you need to travel with it! So many of the Mediterranean countries are so kid-friendly- much better than the US.

        4. Kate*

          Exactly to that description: Camp Amalinda in southern Zimbabwe. You can go direct DC to Johannesburg, and then it is a quick hop to Bulawayo. Visas on arrival. Safe and no Zika.

            1. Kate*

              Is it any worse than it usually is? I haven’t been following as closely as I usually do.

              Anyways, that corner of Zim tends to be on the quieter side, the 1980s excepted.

          2. Katie the Fed*

            I’m probably going to wait on Africa for a while. Not a knock on Africa – I’ve been all over it. But it’s a lonnnng flight and I’m not too comfortable with the options if a medical emergency arose (with a few exceptions). I do want to go to Zambia/Botswana – I think we’ll wait until the spawn is old enough to enjoy it. :)

      2. Celeste*

        Mackinac was my first thought. There is hiking, there is history, and there is fudge. The main thing is not to go someplace like Vegas where everyone is drinking and you can’t.

    4. Lily Evans*

      A friend of a friend did a “babymoon” in Portugal and it looked like they had a lovely time! It gave them the chance to do a combo of beach time and city-roaming and all of the pictures they posted were gorgeous.

      1. Luisa*

        Plus if you actually want to go to Cape Verde but are avoiding it because of Zika etc., you can get a taste of Cape Verde in Portugal! :)

        (I wasn’t sure how serious that comment was, but I’m pretty enthusiastic about the place since all my students, and a lot of my friends, are from there.)

        1. Luisa*

          Re: seriousness, I meant Katie’s original comment re: Cape Verde. I assume Lily Evans is serious about her Portugal recommendation.

        2. Katie the Fed*

          Cape Verde is high on my list actually! We’d be going if it weren’t for this pregnancy. I love Portugal – been to Lisbon a couple times. Maybe time for a repeat trip and getting out of Lisbon a little more.

    6. Rainy, PI*

      When I was in Hawaii last October there were a tonne of couples who were clearly there on the pre-baby vacation and they all seemed super happy.

    7. Monodon monoceros*

      Slovenia & Croatia. I spent some in Bled, Slovenia up in the mountains, and then just a couple hour (or less, can’t really remember) drive and you are on the Adriatic Coast. Lovely.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I’ve been to Croatia but not Slovenia – it does look gorgeous. That might be a great destination!

      2. Parenthetically*

        A big group of friends of mine went to Slovenia last year and it just looks absolutely incredible.

    8. Gingerblue*

      How about the Faroe islands? (I am totally projecting my own desire to visit them!)

      1. hermit crab*

        Dry Tortugas is fantastic, but it’s not really somewhere I’d want to be if I was worried about a potential medical emergency. I guess you could always get airlifted out by seaplane, but I don’t even want to think about how expensive that would be!

    10. Kristen*

      I want to go to Banff more than anywhere, so that’s my suggestion. It looks amazing.

      1. Anonyme*

        Jasper is less touristy than Banff, but doing both and driving the Icefield Parkway in between is stunning.

    11. ..Kat..*

      I recommend verifying whether your American health insurance will pay if you travel outside the country? If it doesn’t, you can get travel medical insurance. The good quality ones include air ambulances and medivac back to the USA. Not trying to scare you – you said you want good medical facilities nearby just in case.

    14. motherofdragons*

      I’ll be living vicariously through your adventures! I’m due with twins in November (also currently in the puking stage), and since our surprise double trouble news means we’ll need to move, that will be sucking up a lot of our fun funds later this year. We’re in Northern CA so we might do a weekend jaunt to Tahoe or something, but Hawaii would be a dream!

  26. Your Weird Uncle*

    Any other stepparents out there? I’m a new stepmom and I love my stepkids and husband so much, but lord….his ex-wife made some snarky comments at a parent-teacher conference on Tuesday and I’ve been home sick with norovirus since Wednesday, so I’ve had lots and lots of time to sit and sullenly obsess over it. Gaaaaaaah. I know I need to be better at letting that stuff not get to me, but it’s hard, and I do want to have a peaceful relationship with her in the future.

    1. CatCat*

      Yes. Gawd. The ex is super weird and passive aggressive.

      We had to stop telling kiddo the vacation plans because she showed up on our vacation once. Yes, that really happened.

      1. Your Weird Uncle*

        WUT.

        We’re fairly certain she keeps stealing our vacation ideas (she keeps being the one to make the plans before we get around to it) but holy cow, she hasn’t done anything that outrageous! That is crazy!

        My husband’s ex-wife has no limits at her house (ipad all day? Sure! You lost your new phone? No problem, I’ll buy you a new, even better one!, etc.) and when she hears about the limits and consequences at our house she comes at us like we’re negligent parents. Um, I’m sorry your son didn’t get ice cream because he didn’t finish his chores, but it’s hardly like we’re neglecting him. I think my husband should immediately say, ‘We’re not discussing what happens at our house’ but she feels entitled to all information about what we do and she just keeps coming at us with accusations and he already had to fight so hard to keep them that I think he worries she might come back with more crazy claims about what goes on here. (Believe me, crazy lady, it’s more boring than you think!) :)

        1. CatCat*

          We won’t engage with the ex on anything that does not *require* a response on our part. She can really push the spouse’s buttons, but like when she sends a snotty email he’ll read it to me and I’ll just tell him to ignore it. He finally gets it. Because literally *nothing* he can do will be “right.” Unless there is communication that calls for a response (e.g., need to send a check for clothes or schedule transportation), we ignore it. And when I response is called for, we only engage on that specific topic, not anything of a generally bitchy/snotty nature. It’s really helped cut down on a lot of the crap.

          We have kiddo at summer and Christmas. Last summer, she kept pressing to find out our vacation plans “so she knows what to pack.” (LOL no, lesson learned.) We just told her, “Oh, don’t worry about it, we’ll take kiddo shopping for anything needed.” And ignored anything else pressing for where we were going.

          1. Your Weird Uncle*

            I think we will have to try the non-response. It can be hard, because she can seem totally normal sometimes and will text my husband nice things, like how a soccer game turned out, so then we let our guard down and think we’ve reached a nice peaceful compromise. Then before you know it, it’s BAM CRAZYTOWN.

            Nice to know we aren’t alone though!

            1. Parenthetically*

              My sister-in-law has these same experiences constantly with her ex. A string of texts and pictures of the kids fishing with grandma and grandpa, a good chat or two, a peaceful few weeks… and then IF YOU DON’T LET THE KIDS LEAVE SCHOOL EARLY TOMORROW I SWEAR WE ARE CALLING THE LAWYER TO REVISIT THE TERMS OF VISITATION and on and on. It’s screws with her head so much. :(

              1. Your Weird Uncle*

                I am sorry for your sister-in-law! That sounds terrible! We try to let her do her thing at her house, and hope to receive the same courtesy but, sadly, ex is a control freak and doesn’t really appreciate the concept of ‘live and let live’.

  27. Rebecca*

    I know this is a first world problem, but what is it with all the extra stuff in food?

    Example: I had been buying sunflower kernels at our local Save A Lot store, but they’re not stocking them any longer. It was just sunflower kernels, oils, and salt. That’s it. I grabbed a container at another store, and it contains sunflower kernels, “seasoning” (salt, sugar, modified corn starch, torula yeast, corn syrup solids, paprika and other spices, hydrolyzed soy protein, natural flavor, onion and garlic powder). They are going back to the store. I buy these to add to salads and other recipes, and for the life of me I see no reason to add any of that stuff, especially sugar and corn starch!

    I also buy canned vegetables, like black beans and corn, and keep them on hand to make salads and other dishes in a pinch, and noticed that the canned corn contains added sugar. Again, why?

    I admit I should have looked more closely when purchasing these items, but I never thought that two simple things would have these extra additions. It’s a little frustrating. A can of corn should have at the most, corn, water, and salt. That’s it. I guess I need to read the labels more closely.

    1. Episkey*

      My opinion, don’t ever buy canned veggies. Frozen are much better & usually don’t have any additives.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        And things like beans you can cook ahead of time and freeze. I do big batches of beans and then freeze them in smaller containers.

    2. Whats In A Name*

      When my grandparents passed away a couple years ago we were cleaning out the pantry and found stuff that expired years ago (the grew up in Depression era and had a tendency to overstock but never thrown out) and the ingredients list in some of the things was amazingly short! Crazy.

      I am anal about label reading.

    3. Not Karen*

      Ha I’ve been trying to tell people this for years!

      Sounds like you need a Trader Joe’s.

      2. Lily Evans*

        I love how simple so many of TJ’s foods are while still being really good (and reasonably priced… looking at you Whole Foods)! My favorite recent find there is trail mix that’s only almonds, cashews, and dark chocolate chunks and it’s nice not having to pick around anything. I also love the new cheese bites they have that are literally just baked cheese and nothing else and have 15 grams of protein while tasting delicious.

    4. nep*

      It’s rather ridiculous what passes for food anymore.
      A relative buys “peanut butter” for a little one we help raise…Ugh. It should not be called peanut butter if it’s got more than one (OK, sometimes two — salt) ingredients.

      1. Tris Prior*

        I hate it when I am trying to buy peanut butter that only contains peanuts! This is next to impossible unless I want to spend a lot of money or I go to Trader Joe’s (which is a hike for me – but I do love their peanut butter).

        I am a label-reader and it sucks that so much of our food is full of sugar, salt, and chemicals that don’t need to be there. I’ve read that the sugar and salt is added to make the food more tasty and addictive to our lizard-brains, causing us to buy and eat more. :/

        1. Not Karen*

          Yes! I only buy PB that is just peanuts – unsalted, unsweetened. Thankfully I live within 15 minutes of TJ’s.

        2. atexit8*

          The Teddie’s All Natural Smooth that we buy at Walmart has only peanuts and salt. Walmart does not sell the one that is unsalted in the stores, but you can buy online for free pick-up at the store.

        3. nep*

          Yes — “food” industry knows what it’s doing.
          But we don’t have to buy it — literally and figuratively.
          (When I’m eating peanut butter (I go back and forth) it’s T Joe’s one-ingredient pb, or I buy blanched peanuts, roast them, and make my own. So good.)

        4. Lady Jay*

          TJs PB is great & cheap, half what I’d pay for the same thing at another store. Sadly, the nearest TJs is two hours away (yeah for small-town Midwest!) and so I stock up whenever I go.

    5. Melody Pond*

      Why the extra stuff in food?

      In short: profit.

      Anything that can be added to play with the way our brains are designed to seek out nutritious food (i.e., increase demand), while adding long-term shelf stability (i.e., less product lost to expiration dates if consumers don’t buy it quick enough), equals more profit to the food manufacturer.

    6. Huntington*

      And it’s growing increasingly difficult to just buy, for example, a bag of popcorn to pop. There is only one store I can buy a 2-pound bag (less than $2). Everywhere else has branded jars and containers for less popcorn at two or three times the cost. It’s really crazy.

    7. Chaordic One*

      Well, a lot chemicals are used as preservatives to keep food from spoiling. A lot of things are flavor enhancers and affect the taste of foods. Other ingredients effect the texture of certain foods.

      A lot of the things you list are actually cheap for food companies to buy and relatively easy for farmers to grow. The U.S. has a strange and questionable agricultural policy where certain commodities are subsidized by the government and just what foods are subsidized is kind of questionable.

      My only advice is read the labels and at least know what you’re eating.

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      There are a lot of people out there who aren’t just out for the healthiest or highest-quality version of something. I’m one of them. I don’t want to eat something unless it tastes as good as possible. I’m just not one of those “food is fuel” people. If you handed me unseasoned sunflower kernels I’d probably add onion salt and garlic salt to them anyway. I like flavorful food. Shrug!

      1. Workaholic*

        Yay! This thread reminded me that i wanted to find recipes to make cottage cheese. Most brands have all sorts of unnecessary ingredients. Yogurt too. Yogurt doesn’t need gelatin. I told my neighbor this very thing earlier, got side tracked, then lost the thought.

        1. ThursdaysGeek*

          This is kind of late, but look at Daisy brand cottage cheese. The ingredients are milk, cream, salt. And their sour cream has one ingredient.

          As for the peanut butter (in the thread above), our local Fred Meyer has a place where you can grind your own peanuts to make peanut butter.

      2. Hrovitnir*

        Yeah, I think the sunflower kernel thing specifically is because the flavoured ones were being sold for snacks, which is different to wanting plain ones to put in cooking.

        I don’t really go in for “flavouring and preservatives are inherently bad”, but it is annoying when you cannot find plain versions of things for cooking. Sometimes it seems like there 20 versions with different flavourings and you just want a plain one. (Usually it’s because it’s in a different area of the shop. I don’t cope well with learning new shop layouts, it’s stressful. Haha.)

      3. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

        for me things taste better when they don’t have all the extra stuff on them – I like the taste of sunflower seeds by themselves, for instance. I like the option for a flavoured version should I want it, but 97% of the time I don’t :)

    9. lucina*

      Would be interesting to check the amount of salt in the sunflowers kernels with just oil and salt, and in the seasoned ones. Torula yeast, paprika and other spices, hydrolyzed soy protein, natural flavor, onion and garlic powder can all be used to replace part of the salt. If you can do away with let’s say 0.5 g of salt and add 0.2 g of sugar instead, the reduction in salt is significant and the increase in sugar is not. Also taste is the first driver for customers.

  28. Sami*

    I had a rather upsetting dream this week that a dear friend had cancer. I was at his house (in the dream) and all around were these brochures about a specific cancer. For many years he and I were pretty close (just friends) and talked daily. Now we don’t w-o-r-k together anymore but still talk/text occasionally.
    Would you want to know if someone had such a dream (more of a nightmare really) about you? I can’t really see an upside to doing so, as I’m not a psychic or clairvoyant. LOL
    But it was just so upsetting. I’m guessing it’s just better for me to forget all about it.

    1. fposte*

      No, I wouldn’t want to know. It would be fine to use it as a spur to contact me and see how I’ve been, though; that’s just “I was thinking of you” rather than specifics about dreams.

    2. Whats In A Name*

      I agree with fposte – contact but not specifics. Just a checking in call to see how things are going..or even a text is fine if that is the preferred form of communication between you 2

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      Goodness no, I wouldn’t. Talk to someone and get support for yourself but don’t tell the person.

    4. Sherm*

      I don’t see any upside in telling, either. As you say, it wasn’t a psychic moment, so there’s nothing to warn your friend about. It would only be rather unsettling. I’m sure the dream will fade from memory soon.

    5. BTW*

      I had a nightmare when I was very small that my father was dead. I went into his room to check, at the time. Never told him about it. Somewhat coincidentally, he actually did die in that same place, but it was 50+ years later and he was in his 80s and had a fatal illness. So, if you believe in premonitions, maybe it was one… but then maybe it was a very far advance one.

    6. anon attorney*

      How unsettling. I agree that the dream probably doesn’t mean he has cancer, but something so vivid might be a message of some other kind from your unconscious. Sometimes when people appear in our dreams they represent a part of ourselves – could this be the case here? Cancer is such a powerfull symbol and source of fear. I’d be intrigued to know what type and what part of the body was affected in the dream, and what it might symbolise for you. Note, I’m not saying that I think the dream means YOU have cancer, just that the dream might have a less obvious meaning rather than being a premonition, which also means another vote for not saying anything to him.

      1. Sami*

        Thanks for your insight. It was testicular cancer. Which obviously me (a woman) is not going to get, but my friend (a man) obviously could.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Years ago, I dreamed that one of my favorite aunts died.
      The dream was so vivid, I woke up crying.

      In real life she lived a quite a while longer.
      I think the purpose of the dream was to cause me to think about the unthinkable. I could not even think of her passing. The dream forced that hand.

      I never said anything to her as I felt the dream was more of a learning experience/thinking experience for me and really did not mean her death was eminent.

      Death is the ultimate uncertainty. We never know how long any of us will be here. Are you dealing with a lot of uncertainties in life right now? Or maybe just one big uncertainty? Sometimes dreams like this can help with perspective. “I have X going on but at least my friend is okay. I will get through X somehow because losing my friend would be way worse than X.”

      1. Workaholic*

        I had a dream last week that there was a terrible accident, lots of people died, somebody i love was missing and i was trying to find if he was still alive. I was so devastated in my dream that i couldn’t shake it when i woke. So i texted him to make sure he was alive and well.
        If it’s somebody i love and I’m close to I will tell my dreams in such situations. But casual or work friends likely not.

    8. Hrovitnir*

      Just for a difference of opinion – I agree, it probably isn’t a good idea. But it is specific to the person. I am 0% bothered by these things so would be entertained to be text about that. I’m pretty sure you’d know if he was like that though. :P

    9. Dr A*

      I live in a southern European country and here it would be perfectly normal to call up someone and tell them “hey, I had *the weirdest* dream about you” and tell them all about it. Although the subject of this dream is kinda heavy and even here it would be sort of spirit-dampening, we do it all the time (I can’t remember how many girlfriends I’ve called over the years and told them I saw them pregnant in my dream). It is an amazing excuse to call someone and catch up!
      Interesting to see how much a cultural thing this is!
      But I can see no harm in calling up the friend and tell them you were thinking of them and catch up, like everyone else suggested! Who knows, maybe something is up with them and ~~subconscious vibes~~ happened and you had the dream (only semi-kidding there). No need to burden the friend with the dream though if you don’t feel like it!

    10. Emmie*

      I read that dreams of death don’t symbolize dying, but it’s your subconscious showing you how much that person means to you… what it would be like to loose that person. Since you seem to be slowly loosing touch, I recommend reaching out to him or her with a simple “miss you!” I’d be really uncomfortable hearing about the dream fwiw. If she doesn’t reciprocate contact, I am sorry.

    11. Sami*

      Thanks everyone! I really appreciated hearing your perspective. I think I’ll just reach out and not mention the dream.
      It was just so vivid and specific, so thanks for helping me process it.

  29. Foot question- surgery or wait?*

    Fun topic- is it time to go to the doctor about my bunion?

    Bunions run in my family, and I’ve got one on my left foot. It’s not horrible, but it aches if I do anything remotely active, even just a 1/2 hr walk with the dog. And while I rarely wear fancy shoes, when I had to recently, the shoe was definitely tighter and hurt on that foot.

    I live alone and have a 1 year old puppy who needs a lot of walks, so I really don’t want to have surgery. I also travel a lot for work, so there’s rarely a good time to have the surgery. But I like to hike and walk and it’s starting to be more and more painful, and I’ve also hear the longer you wait, the worse the surgery is. Anyone else had bunions, and the surgery?

    1. Foot question- surgery or wait?*

      Also, I drive a stick shift, so if you had the surgery, how long until you could drive?

    2. Cristina in England*

      What are your every day shoes? If you have ones with a really wide toe box that aren’t aggravating it, that can help. Check out Barking Dog Shoes blog for shoe recs for special feet!

      1. Foot question- surgery or wait?*

        My office is super casual, so most of the time I’m wearing Keen hiking shoes, sometimes some Clark’s flats, and maybe 2-3 times per year I’ll wear some Clarks with heels. So most of the time I’m not wearing anything too restricting.

        1. LCL*

          Keeps are a really low volume shoe. You might try on other brands of hiking shoes and see if you have more space. Low volume means not enough depth, so your foot may be getting squished from top to bottom.

        2. Cristina in England*

          You might want to loosen the laces at the toe end of your shoes to lessen the pressure on the bunion, or try on some wider shoes. I was told I had a bunion when I was in my teens, and the advice I got was that in order to avoid surgery I needed to always give my toes lots of room. I wear FitFlop boots and Dansko sandals most of the time and I don’t have any pain. But if I put on ballet flats I would be suffering very quickly since most of them cut right across it.

    3. Ange*

      I have bunions and the pain is controlled by a combination of orthotics and comfy shoes. I would suggest you try that as a first step. I have very little pain from my bunion even when I’ve been walking a lot.

    4. Ange*

      I have bunions and I control the pain with orthotics, toe separators and comfy shoes (wide fit). That might be a good place to start. I haven’t had any significant pain since I started using orthotics.

    5. Finny*

      I’ve had surgery for a bunion on one foot, but not on the other, when I was seventeen. My mother wanted it done before I was off her insurance. I’ll be thirty-six next month. I’ve had more issues with that foot since the surgery than I ever did before the surgery, but neither of my bunions were causing me any pain or other issues before then. As long as my shoes are wide enough in the toes, I’m fine. That does tend to mean that my shoes are a bit too big for me otherwise, but it works.

    6. Grumpy bear*

      I had both of my feet done at the same time (one was causing more pain than the other, but doing them together meant one lot of anaesthetic, time off, pain meds, etc.) and I was off for six weeks. There was some minor pain when I started driving again, but it didn’t last more than a couple of days and I was more bothered by my knees and ankles being stiff from wearing the recovery boots that keep your weight off the front part of your feet, tbh.

      That said, I wasn’t driving for more than half an hour at a time, so more time in the car might cause more of a problem. Good luck whichever way you go!

    7. Foot question- surgery or wait?*

      Thanks for the responses everyone. I’ll try some of the footwear and orthotics options before I consider surgery. I’d like to avoid surgery if at all possible, but also don’t want an aching foot all of the time!

    8. Jess*

      As a counter point to most others, I had the surgery about 12 years ago and it did help over the long term It was my left foot so I could still drive, but recovery was rough. I was in a boot and on crutches and totally non weight bearing for probably a month, amd it was a few months before I was in normal shoes again. I was also in physical therapy much of that time. Showering was a huge pain because you have to either get a chair or balance amd you can’t get the sutures wet. It sounds like living alone with a pup would be difficult, but I was in college (during the winter when it was exceedingly slippery) when I had my surgery, so its probably doable if not easy nor fun. Instead of asking my roommates to say, carry my food from the kitchen or take my laundry up and down the stairs I just hopped on one foot.

      1. Monodon monoceros*

        Thank for the info about surgery and recovery. This is what I’m most worried about if I need surgery. I drive a stick shift, so I assume I wouldn’t be able to drive for a while, and I’m not close to public transport. And my puppy is also huge and strong, so walking him would be a nightmare. And I have a tiny shower cabinet. I might have to have someone come over (I’m living overseas) and help me, but the only person who has enough free time is my mom, and she’s more work than help most of the time!

        So many reasons to avoid the surgery, except that I’m living in Europe currently, and thinking that if I need it, I should get it done while I’m still living over here with “free” healthcare.

        1. Monodon monoceros*

          Forgot to change my name. Now you know that narwhals 1) have feet and 2) have a bunion.

  30. Merci Dee*

    So, I signed the papers to close on my new house this Thursday. Kiddo and I spent our first night in the house last night. So nice, but hard to get decent sleep the first night in a new place.

    We’re about 2/3 of the way through moving stuff over. All the big furniture is in place, so it’s just a matter of bringing boxes over from the kitchen, pantry, bathroom, etc.

    The cat has taken beautifully to the new house. I feared he would be skittish and nervous about being in a new place, but he’s been great. Brought him over and left him in the carrier while I set up his things. I’d cleaned the contents of his box, but left the litter he’d been using for a couple of days so it would be a good scent marker. We scattered his toys, rugs, and scratchers in each room so he’d smell something familiar wherever he explored. And then set up his food where he could see it from his carrier. Let him out to explore, and in 30 minutes or so, he was totally relaxed. Laying around and grooming shortly after, and sticking his most fur-butt into everything he could find

    Kiddo had been invaluable with unpacking in the new place. She’s so excited about the house, and has been willing to put away things I can’t bend over to reach by the end of the day. Trying to pack and move with an umbilical hernia has been a pain in the ass. But my parents absolutely refuse to let me move heavy stuff. I’m the great sorter – decide what goes, trashes, or donates, and then filling boxes with stuff to move. Dad chucks it on the truck and brings it over so that kiddo and I can put away. Wash, rinse, repeat.

    Thank God I moved only 5 streets over.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Oh, my gah. Are you a masochist or something? I moved quite often growing up, and I loathe it. If I never have to move again, I will cry from gratitude.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Me too. I think I’ve moved 25 times in my life. I’ve been in my current place for 3 years which is a record!

    2. Whats In A Name*

      Glad moving is going so well. My cat and I moved frequently together – about 6 times over 11 years – the only time she was ever skittish was the first time we left my parents house and she had to get used to all new furniture along with surroundings. After that she adjusted fine to her new environment – I think it was a comfort thing.

    3. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Congrats on closing. I feel the same as you about moving, and we’ll have to move sometime this year too, so I’m glad it’s going well with your kiddo and kitty so far. May all your future nights be restful.

  31. AlaskaKT*

    Mama’s – How did you go about weaning your babies (if you breastfed)? I’m about ready to be done since my daughter has 8 teeth now and grinds them sometimes while nursing. My biggest problem is that I’ve accidentally trained her (or she’s trained me) that she can’t sleep without nursing. She didnt nap all day yesterday because I wouldn’t lay down with her. She takes a bottle just fine, but doesn’t fall asleep with it, and she has never accepted a pacifier.

    Any tips, tricks, words of encoragement?

    1. Cristina in England*

      Lots of sympathy. I nursed my daughter to sleep until I was pregnant with my son and my milk changed-she didn’t like it anymore. I just couldn’t get her to sleep any other way!

      Some books will say to create a routine, replace the milk with a lovie or other soft toy that she can associate with sleep, and be very consistent with it. The baby sleep site might be a help. Good luck!

      1. AlaskaKT*

        Oh that actually gives me an idea! She doesn’t like nursing when I have coffee so I’ve been abstaining this whole time. Maybe I’ll start drinking again and she’ll wean herself.

    2. Call me St. Vincent*

      I’ve found that with almost everything, cold turkey works best. Kids are really resilient and at least with my daughter, she tended to be upset for one night and then was okay. We did this with nursing at 11 or so months and later with the bottle to sippy transition. We just said “oh no we can’t do that anymore, we have to do it the new way.”

      1. Amanda*

        I agree with the cold turkey method. I’m in the process of weaning my 4th kid at 20 months. I cut out nursing to sleep first – it took 2 nights of a really mad kid before he got it. Then I cut out all daytime nursing except when waking up. That took 3 days before he stopped pulling at my shirt. Then the wake up session stopped. Less than one week into the process, all I have left is the middle of the night feeding. Not looking forward to dropping that one, though. I have a feeling lots of caffeine will be needed for a few days.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          I should have clarified that I actually did what Amanda did. Oops! All of this stuff seems to go out the mental window once you’re done. I cut out middle of the day nursing mostly because I was back at work so I was pumping. Eventually, I was down to just morning and night nursing so I did the same as Amanda–cut out night and then morning the next day. I think my original message implied I literally just stopped nursing one day after exclusive nursing or something, which would have been far more difficult than what I did.

          Also, Amanda you are a rock star. 4 kids = super mom :)

    3. LaterKate*

      So for weaning, my recommendation would be to wean slowly. I’m not sure how often you’re nursing now, but if you’re nursing several times a day, you may be making quite a bit more milk than you think you are. If you are not planning on pumping, I would drop a session, wait a few days, drop another, and so on. My reasoning for this is that if you stop breastfeeding suddenly, you are at increased risk for plugged ducts and mastitis. As for how to do it, you could start with dropping the morning session, as it may be easier to distract her at that time, and then go from there. You could also have dad or another adult take over bedtime when you drop that session. Good luck! Hope it goes smoothly for you!

      1. Sarah*

        If you can wean slowly I highly recommend it. I had to stop breastfeeding cold turkey because I had to go on medication that was not compatible with breastfeeding (my doctor ran some tests and told me, “Ok, we have to start these meds TODAY”). My baby was only 6 months old so the transition was actually way easier for her than I expected, probably because of her lack of object permanence. For me, though, it was extremely uncomfortable and emotional. My hormones went haywire, I got clogged ducts in both breasts, and I had to deal with a week of rock-hard, very painful boobs. Fortunately I never got mastitis, but it ultimately took nearly a month before my milk totally dried up. It would have been much easier to taper off and let my supply dwindle naturally.

    4. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Mine got the boot off the breastfeeding when zir teeth started coming in but more importantly started biting me for fun. It got worse than just grinding or playbiting but I don’t want to get into detail here. It means that our sessions got shorter and shorter over the course of a week. We had always had to supplement with a bottle anyway, before that, so ze didn’t much mind getting the bottle offered instead.
      Plus ze enjoyed holding zir own bottle by around 7-10 months, can’t quite recall when, so ze would go into the Boppy with a bottle and a cuddly stuffier for a self feed and then off to naptime after. If there’s something your daughter enjoys holding or cuddling, maybe add that to pre-nap bottle time to build that sense of comfort without requiring you to lay there.

    5. Clever Name*

      This isn’t for weaning, but it may help the goingto sleep situation. I found the No Cry Sleep Solution to be a godsend. Very practical advice. And I understand kiddo is biting, but teeth don’t have to mean weaning if you don’t want to. My son bit me when he had top and bottom teeth, and I would say “ouch!” fairly loudly and immediately end the nursing session. He learned that if he wanted to nurse, he couldn’t bite.

    6. Carmen*

      My suggestion is to have someone else put the baby to sleep if possible. I’m still nursing my 20 month old to sleep but his dad and babysitters can put him to bed no problem if I’m not around. Also, be aware that the hormone change when you stop breastfeeding can have a significant impact on you. Everytime I’ve cut down on nursing I’ve had a week of extra anxiety or stress that I think is hormonal.

    7. Nancy B*

      I nursed three babies. The first two were easy to cut off–I just changed their routine and we were golden. The last baby often nursed for comfort. She wanted to nurse whenever she was upset, so that made weaning her more difficult. But she eventually got the idea. Good luck!

  32. Volunteer Coordinator in NOVA*

    I’m going to London this summer for a little over a week and wanted to see if anyone had anything that I must do while I’m there? I’m also looking for some things off the beaten path so I’d love some suggestions. Thanks in advance!

    1. Candy*

      Museums and galleries are free, spend a morning at the Wallace Collection or the National Portrait Gallery. The Old Operating Theatre Museum is also excellent.

      Have tea at the Crypt Cafe.

      Spend your afternoons wandering the streets (I spent a whole afternoon around Spitalfields trying to spot as many Victorian door knockers as I could) and the parks and the cemeteries (Kensal Green was my favourite but they’re all beautiful)

      Head towards Camden to watch the sunset from Primrose Hill.

      Have a cocktail at the Viktor Wynd Museum of Curiosities before heading home.

      Be sure to make a stop at King’s Cross and get your photo taken boarding Platform 9 3/4 and take the bus as much as possible to really see the city (plus it’s cheaper: buses are £1,50 no zones vs the tube for £2,80)

    2. Rainy, PI*

      Museums! I love the V&A, personally.

      I dragged my BFF on a lengthy hike through Mayfair because I am moderately obsessed with the Regency, and even she had fun. Go see the Elgin marbles in the BM. Pay the money to tour St Paul’s, and go all the way up to the Golden Gallery. These aren’t really off the beaten path things, I guess, but they were the things in London I most enjoyed. :) Also, don’t neglect the possibilities of taking the train out to another city and touring it and then coming back that night. England: it is smol.

    3. Lily Evans*

      One of my favorite days while I was there was the day I did back-to-back walking tours through Undiscovered London. The first one was their free 11 am walking tour that covered a lot of the top sights like Buckingham Palace (they got us there for changing of the guard) and the Houses of Parliament. The guide I had was great, it was way better quality than I’d hoped for being free! That’s why I tacked on their East End tour with the same guide that afternoon. It was great and combined history, Harry Potter facts, Jack the Ripper locations, and street art and buying it after the first tour got a discount so it only cost 12 pounds. There were even enough people who did both that the guides took us to a street food market for lunch, which was really above and beyond what I expected! My feet hated me afterwards, but it was a fantastic day!

      I was also glad that someone told me about Sky Garden, which is a free indoor garden at the top of a skyscraper! Anything else I found with a view like that cost at least 20 pounds. Just book your slot online ahead of time so you’re guaranteed a chance to go up!

      1. Lily Evans*

        Also, there was this tiny little hole in the wall bakery that a local told me about called Bageriet that I really liked! The woman who told me about it specifically recommended their cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate, so that’s what I tried and it was so good I seriously regret not making it back there to try more of their baked goods because they all looked phenomenal and I have a giant sweet tooth.

      2. Parenthetically*

        I totally agree with walking tours! We actually found some free ones and ended up doing a Samuel Pepys-themed tour that was delightful. Run by a member of a historical society who was very knowledgeable.

    5. Thlayli*

      Shakespeare’s globe – you can see plays for really cheap as a groundling, wander along the south bank on a sunny day, London dungeon, Camden lock market. London is awesome. Also Harry Potter world if you’re into that it’s all the actual sets it’s amazing. And see if you can get tickets to curse child assuming it’s still on lol

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Cursed Child books up about a year in advance – we bought tickets in January and the earliest we could get was February ’18!

        1. Thlayli*

          Fair point. I saw the preview :p

          Bragity brag brag brag.

          We also went to Harry Potter world that weekend. Now my goal in life is to have Christmas dinner in the great hall. If I book now my kids will probably have time to learn to read and read all 7 books by the time it’s our turn lol

        2. Yikes*

          Depends on your budget. There are always returns so if you look on the ticket website there’s usually ‘limited availability’ for the next two weeks or so. The catch is that these are usually priced at £199-250. On rare occasions cheaper seats also open up £40-140 but not as reliable and obviously further back. (There’s also the ticket lottery if you feel lucky!)

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        Lovely suggestions though.

        I work in London but don’t appreciate it nearly enough.

        1. Thlayli*

          Yeah I used to be sent there by my oldjob for weeks at a time but honestly you only have time to do stuff if you are staying weekend.

          One other suggestion I would make is winopolis but I think that’s closed now.

    6. Call me St. Vincent*

      My favorite museum is the Tate Modern. I also LOVE going to Hamstead Heath (try Ben’s Cookies, if it’s still there–yum). I also love eating Syrian food off of Edgeware Road. London is a wonderful city–enjoy!

    7. Rookie Manager*

      You can get a London Pass for a fairly reasonable amount depending on how long you get one for. My sister and I got the 7 day pass a few years ago and made it a challenge to aee how much stuff we could fit in. It includes big ticket attractions like London Zoo, Tower of London, the aquarium, London Eye alongside things like a Thames boat ride and Florance Nightingale museum. We would do all the things during the day and go to the theater at night. Don’t tell him indoors but it is one of my favourite holidays ever.

    9. Ann Furthermore*

      Go to Sir John Soane’s Museum, near the British Museum. He was an architect in the 1800’s and travelled the world collecting artwork, artifacts, and antiquities. After he died, his house became a museum. It’s fascinating.

      I also went to the Royal Observatory. There’s a museum there and you can also stand on the Prime Meridian, which is a little cheesy and touristy but still cool if you’re a science nerd like me. In that same area is a clipper ship that you can walk through, which is really interesting.

      And go to the British Museum. It’s enormous and you could easily spend a few days there and still not see everything, but there​ are some maps and other information available that make it easy to see the most popular things (like the Rosetta Stone).

    10. Jules the First*

      The Chelsea Physic Garden is absolutely worth a trip (if you’re a garden person, obvs skip it if not!) and is cheaper and easier to get to than Kew Gardens.

      The new building at the Tate Modern has a roof terrace with spectacular views of the city (and it’s free); the bar in the old building overlooking the river is open until 9.30 on Fridays and Saturdays and is a very affordable place to grab a nice drink and enjoy a view of the river. Usually quiet enough for a chat as well, and does great bar snacks. Don’t be afraid to see exhibitions at weird times – galleries often have late openings (usually one or more of Thurs/Fri/Sat or one night in the last week of the month) and they’re often quieter later in the evening. The National Gallery has the best didactic art exhibitions – look for the smaller ones that compare one or two artists rather than the major blockbuster ones…they’re interesting and accessible enough that even my art-hating father will get excited about going.

      The Horniman Museum is my favourite in London (natural history), but a bit of a trek to get to; London’s newest museum is the Newport Street Gallery that shows pieces from Damian Hirst’s private collection alongside contemporary artists (and is a beautiful building with a lovely, if pricey, cafe for lunch). Oh, and London’s most underrated museum is the Museum of London, which everyone expects to be super cheesy and kid-oriented but is actually rather fantastic (especially the Roman galleries).

      St Martin in the Fields, Cadogan Hall, and Wigmore Hall often have inexpensive classical music concerts (cheaper during the day, more expensive in the evenings); the best jazz in the city is, weirdly, at the Pizza Express Soho Jazz Club (in the basement of a pizza chain), you often but not always need to book in advance via their website.

    11. incg*

      Go on a speedboat tour down the Thames, visit Ham House, Kew Gardens, Hampton Court Palace, theatre in the West End, Regent’s Park, day trip to Sissinghurst Castle in Kent :)

    12. Nancy B*

      Too many to mention, but some highlights for me are the the Tower of London, the British Library, the V&A, and Kew Gardens. Also, try to take in some shows.

      As you’re walking around London, look for the blue plaques that are everywhere telling you some interesting thing about that building–a famous person lived there or some important discovery was made there.

  33. Overeducated*

    What are you excited to cook this week? My ambitions are always greater than my energy, but after this week’s heat wave I’m feeling inspired by food again. I might try paneer tikka masala tonight, I just saw a great recipe for baked strawberry rhubarb shortcake, and all the avocado toast articles online this week have made me really want to make some ASAP. (The tiny house next door sold for 3/4 of a million, so I realize that buying a $2 avocado would keep me from only having $749,998 to go, but I guess this silly millennial just isn’t cut out for home ownership.) Anyway, I got some nice local tomatoes that would be great on top. How about you?

    1. Kate in Scotland*

      Venison stew with gorgonzola scones tomorrow, and some mushroom rogan josh for the freezer – haven’t cooked either of them before. We are far from having a heatwave (bouncing around between 10-15 C) so I’m still loving some one-pot comfort food.

    2. Rainy, PI*

      I am probably going to make gnocchi with gorgonzola cream sauce again before my massive wedge of gorgonzola goes more gorgon and less zola. It’s shockingly easy for how fancy and delicious it turns out.

      1. Overeducated*

        Wow that sounds good and I would like your recipe. I actually have frozen store bought gnocchi so even just the cream sauce sounds good!

        1. Rainy, PI*

          So I always store buy gnocchi. I’ve made them from scratch and while it’s good, they’re cheaper and more consistent store-bought!

          I first had the gorgonzola cream sauce at an end of term dinner at a professor’s house in grad school, and spent years trying to reconstruct it (I don’t remember why I didn’t just ask him–I think the first time I made it was not long after I moved to another country and I wanted it immediately and not in a week, and then it became a Thing to figure it out) and finally realized that you just roughly chop a bunch of gorgonzola (maybe half a fist of cheese) and heat some cream (a cup per standard packet of gnocchi is probably just about right) and put the two together and stir until they become a sauce. You can also add chopped baby artichoke if you want; it’s quite good. When the sauce is combined, thick, and melty, add your gnocchi (or other pasta! it’s good with cavatappi or anything a bit ridgy to grab the sauce) and toss quickly. Serve with a chiffonade of basil or a sprinkle of chopped pecan.

          1. Overeducated*

            I have made gnocchi a few times and I just feel like they are a lot of work for not a significantly better result. I haven’t made them in at least 3 years (the last time was 2 apartments ago).

            Thanks for the sauce instructions. Sounds delicious. I’d be tempted to throw in some cherry tomatoes and maybe a green of some sort, too….

          2. Monodon monoceros*

            I make mine this way, too. So easy! I sometimes add chopped pear right before serving. I think it’s best if the pear is not too soft. And then I use walnuts instead of pecan.

          3. Ann Furthermore*

            I’ve tried to make gnocchi a couple times and it was completely unsuccessful each time. They were like little hockey pucks. I gave up and now but them at the store.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Are you in AUS? :) Im not but I saw that guys comment… think it made it into the Guardian this week.

      We just moved and went on vacation so I am just trying to get acquainted with a new kitchen layout (which, honestly, Im not loving and am missing the old Ikea kitchen from our smaller flat!) but I am making a banana bundt cake with salted caramel frosting and some whipped cream on top for my Baking Club at work – I pulled banofee as my “mystery ingredient”.

    4. Annie Mouse*

      I’ve not planned what I’m eating next week yet but I decided to try a Hello Fresh box this week. They give you meals for 2 (3 or 4) people in a box with all the ingredients. I’ve had three very tasty meals this week, things I wouldn’t have done myself and I’ve started to rediscover my love of cooking (14+ hour days at work makes cooking less attractive normally).

    5. Reboot*

      Slow-cooked lamb roast with potatoes and carrots done in the same pot, roasted capsicums, and some nice fresh peas. I’ve been given a new diet to deal with some health issues so I have to switch around proportions, but the upside is I can eat as much soft meat as I like, and slow-cooked roast is one of the tastiest soft meats :D

    6. Lady Jay*

      Tonight’s supper is salad, with the spinach I picked up at the farmer’s market (I LOVE salad), but later this week, I’ll make a savoury galette with the spinach. YUM.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I saw a recipe on Buzzfeed for one pan tuscan garlic chicken tortellini that looked amazing. I have everything except sundried tomatoes. Once I get those, Ima try that bad boy. If it turns out good I’ll keep it in reserve for impressing potential boyfriends, LOL. *sigh*

      1. Damn it, Hardison!*

        I’m pretty sure I made that recipe a few weeks ago (from Thekitchndotcom). It was very good and easy.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          This is from lecremedelacrumb.com but I bet it’s really similar. I forgot to thaw out my chicken thighs today, so I’ll have to try it later in the week.

    8. AcademiaNut*

      I’ve had a lazy week of cooking while my husband was out of town, so I’m looking forward to getting back to normal routines. Tonight I’ll make meatballs with a harissa, tomato and olive sauce, a roasted eggplant salad, carrot salad, and couscous with carmelized onions and dried apricots.

      1. Workaholic*

        I have apprenticeship training tomorrow and there’s a potluck lunch. I’m making vegan chocolate truffle cheesecake/mousse filled strawberries. I’m also making some for co-workers Monday. I’m that excited about showing off. Made 4 stuffed strawberries for dessert at my friend’s house tonight and she raved over them.
        This is technically not “cooking” though :)
        I’m also making a chicken broccoli casserole tomorrow.

    9. Tedious Cat*

      I’m trying what’s billed as “easy duck confit” that takes two hours instead of two days this afternoon. I’ve never had duck confit, I won’t know the difference ;)

    10. Jules the First*

      Fish and chips! Cooking fish still scares me, and this week’s meat-and-fish mystery box has Hake fillets in it, which are supposed to make lovely fish and chips.

    11. Parenthetically*

      I was going to make chicken marsala tonight, but I have the remnants of last night’s allergy attack making me feel like death, so I think I’m going to risk the inevitable heartburn and make the spiciest chilli-garlic-ginger noodle situation I possibly can, to see if it’ll clear out some of this mess.

    12. Grumpy*

      Fancy pork roast. In my Le Creuset that was on super sale! Thank you Google sale alerts.
      It’s marinating awayright now.

    13. Nervous Accountant*

      I saw a packet of beet noodles, I’m making them tonight (it’s Monday). Nothing crazy, just sautee in olive oil and add some salt and stuff.

  34. FDCA In Canada*

    What’s everyone reading lately? Since I have my ereader now I can read at the gym much more easily, so I’ve been plowing through way more. I’m rereading Crazy Rich Asians (to be followed by China Rich Girlfriend), so I can jump right in to the newest one, Rich People Problems, when it comes out this week. (I preordered it. It will be at my house. I may turn off my phone and go into the basement where nothing can distract me, while eating a fancy snack and drinking something expensive.)

    Blog stuff aside, I also have the first of Tim Cook’s WWII books on deck, which I’m looking forward to.

    1. Volunteer Coordinator in NOVA*

      I just started the orphan train which I’m liking so far and I think my copy of into the water should be arriving soon which I’m very excited about!

    2. Stephanie*

      Just finished:
      -My Friend Dahmer, a graphic autobiographical novel about going to high school with Jeffrey Dahmer
      -Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, memoir of a mortician

      Currently reading: Difficult Women by Roxane Gay

      1. Sparrow*

        I read Difficult Women recently! I really liked it–many of the stories were quite emotional, but I liked how diverse and complex the characters and ther environments were.

        I jut reread The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell–one of my all-time favorite books. It’s sci-fi about a mission to another planet, but the characterization and commentary on human behavior are much more typical of a literary fiction book, and the writing is absolutely gorgeous. And I’m currently reading Evicted by Matthew Desmond, about evictions and low income/substandard housing in the US–it’s very sobering, but important, and does a good job of combining narratives about individual families with facts about the larger issue.

        1. Stephanie*

          Yeah, I agree re Difficult Women! I saw her speak and read some excerpts back in March and splurged on a signed copy of the book.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I just reread: Swimming to Antarctica by Lynne Cox a well-known long distance open water swimmer. She has a fantastic attitude towards the impossible and generosity of spirit, but reading about her swims in Egypt in the 70s… that has to be read to be believed!

      1. nep*

        This reminds me that I really enjoyed Skating to Antarctica by Jenny Diski. I’ll have to look it up again to remind myself what I liked; it was a long time ago.
        Reading Catcher in the Rye.
        So many books ‘on deck’ — perhaps Howards End next, or World Light.

    4. hermit crab*

      I just read Then We Came To The End, by Joshua Ferris. It’s about relationships among a group of coworkers, and it’s actually (almost) entirely written in the first-person plural, which works really well with the overall tone and theme of the book.

      I’ve also really been enjoying the Rivers of London series, which is about magical detectives (with a big side helping of London architecture). The books are super witty and clever; the author apparently used to be a writer for Doctor Who.

    5. Tedious Cat*

      I just finished The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. I enjoyed the setting and the supporting characters but felt the central love story the book bills itself as was forced.

    6. Annie Mouse*

      I’m working my way through Emperor of All Maladies at work in the rare periods of down time (which means I read about a page every three or four shifts!). It’s a pop science book about the history of cancer and the research into and treating it.

    7. Liane*

      I just finished Tim Zahn’s Thrawn, a Star Wars novel, and just borrowed the Kindle edition of Carrie Fisher’s The Princess Diarist from the library.

    8. Temperance*

      I recently finished “Hillbilly Elegy”, and really loved it. I have been on a non-fiction kick, with room for YA.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Oh, that was a good one. I read it around the time of the American election, and I (who did *not* vote for the winning candidate) found it very illuminating. It was also compelling and interesting.

        1. Stephanie*

          Yeah, curious to read this one. The waiting list at my library is pretty crazy for it.

    9. Gingerblue*

      Amazon US had a big Agatha Christie sale a week ago, so I’ve been on a binge. I also have Seanan McGuire book Magic for Nothing put aside for when I’m less horribly stressed.

    10. Rainy, PI*

      I’m currently reading The Secret Life of Hoarders and really enjoying it. It’s a quick read so far, written by Matt Paxton of Clutter Cleaner and the A&E show Hoarders with another writer, Phaedra Hise.

    11. Professional Cat Lady*

      I just finished The Watchmaker of Filigree Street, and I’m in love with it. Victorian steampunk/fantasy/mystery. Complete with a clockwork octopus.

      Started the Long way to a Small, Angry Planet yesterday and so far am really enjoying it, even though I’m only 10% in.

    12. Huntington*

      I have fallen in love with audible. I listen on my cell, on my Kindle Fire, with headphones, through a speaker, in the car through Bluetooth, go to sleep with it on. I work and write on a computer all day and have not in recent years felt like it was then relaxing to read afterwards, so it’s such a pleasure to finally have found something that brings that back in my life in a pleasurable way.

    13. Lady Jay*

      A whole lot of things all at once. :)

      Just started Frances Fitzgerald’s The Evangelicals, about the development of the “evangelical” branch of American Protestantism, its difference from other religious forms & the influence it exerted on American history & sociological development. Very in-depth but I’m learning a lot (and I grew up evangelical!)

      Been working on Dante’s Divine Comedy since Easter. I’m in the Paradise now, which is simply beautiful.

      And I just finished His Majesty’s Dragon, by Naomi Novik, about the use of dragons for aerial combat in the Napoleonic wars. :D

    14. Merci Dee*

      I started reading the Moving In series by Ron Ripley, and then I transitioned to the Berkley Street series immediately after. Ripley did a wonderful job with both of these series (14 books between them), and I really enjoyed them. Both generally deal with normal folks getting rid of dangerous ghosts.

    15. katamia*

      Elena Ferrante’s Neapolitan novels. I really like them, but they’re really hard to read with background noise, and I live with people who love to have the TV on all the time, so the going is slow and I’ve been alternating a lot with other books. Right now my alternate book is Sophie Pinkham’s Black Square: Adventures in Post-Soviet Ukraine, but I’m not far enough into it yet to know whether I like it or not.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      I’m re-reading Jean Auel’s Earth’s Children series. It’s been ages since I read them. Aside from her repeating everything six million times, I really like them. The amount of research she did on Ice Age terrain, animals, and every aspect of living was staggering. Lots of nooky, too, heh heh. Like a prehistoric soap opera. I’d love to write something historic and detailed like this.

      I just bought Lincoln Child’s new book, Full Wolf Moon, and a Robert J. Sawyer I didn’t have. I love RJS. I want to be him when I grow up. :)

      1. Workaholic*

        I just turned 42 on the 16th. So I’m re-reading The Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy (actually the book I have included the entire series).

    17. Jen Erik*

      I’ve been rereading Megan Whalen Turner’s The Thief series, while waiting for her new book to arrive.

    18. Nancy B*

      I’m reading The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane by Lisa See. It’s fine. I don’t like it as well as other Lisa See books I’ve read, but I’ll keep plugging along with it.

  35. hermit crab*

    Somebody please explain this house to me! (Link in reply; meanwhile search for 2808 Bloomington Ave, Minneapolis 55407 on Zillow.) What is going on here?? I’m aware that “townhouse” means different things in different places but, as far as I know, in the U.S. it is 100% synonymous with “attached house” — so what the heck is a standalone townhouse? Why is it so ugly? Why are the other townhouses so far away? Why is there a two-door garage taking up the entire lot next door? I guess I have a lot of questions.

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Wow – that is BAD! I know that neighborhood a bit and uh, its “patchy” I would say, in terms of general quality and crime. That looks like someone had a bit plot of land leftover and built that monstrosity on it. Is it a townhouse just because its so up and down? Multiple levels?

      Also, the price drop after 2005 – someone really took a bath on that place! Get in your car and keep driving far away from that thing. Or stop at the Swedish American Institute for lunch because its fantastic and THEN keep driving.

      I seem to recall living some blocks west of that house on 31st on the other side of 35W about 7 years ago. Just didn’t click for me, ended up moving to Mac-Groveland in St Paul (which I really loved).

      1. hermit crab*

        I think it’s part of a more normal-looking townhouse development but like… not attached to the other houses? There are so many lovely houses in the Twin Cities, I don’t understand what these people were thinking.

        1. fposte*

          My guess is a plan went awry. They were going to buy the lot next door and it fell through, they ran out of money partway and decided to finish a standalone rather than leaving several townhomes undone, etc.

          1. hermit crab*

            Ah, that makes sense. At least this house gets windows on all sides then, I guess?

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Super weird, but I love the flooring in the kitchen! Needs new counters. Wouldn’t pass it up for the interior and the price, but yeah, it is OOGLY.

    5. Channel Z*

      I laughed hard when I saw that…thing. I lived off of 28th street on the west side of 35W, many years ago. The uptown area was a fun place to be, but I was in an apartment.

  36. Anon for finance stuff*

    I am thinking about buying my first house sometime in the next year and would love some advice about what I should consider while planning for that.

    Background info: My current take-home pay is about $2000/month. Right now, I am living with a relative who gave me an insanely good deal on rent for their guest bedroom, and a lot of the food and other expenses are treated communally, which means I don’t have a very clear idea of what my expenses for food, etc. would be once I’m living on my own. Trying to figure out how I go about calculating that accurately enough to make a mortgage commitment.

    Cost of living isn’t real high in my area- average apartment rent is $500-$700 for 1-2 bedrooms.

    Planning advice? Mortgage advice? What I should have to fill my house with advice? I’ll take it all!

    1. Katie the Fed*

      My advice:

      – Don’t believe what the banks say you can borrow. You don’t want to be house poor.
      – If your house is older than 30 years old, get a sewer line inspection when you get the home inspection. I wish SO much I had done that.
      – Plan to spend the equivalent of at least one mortgage payment a year on repairs. Get a home warranty for your first year to give you some peace of mind.
      – Go slowly on decorating/remodeling. Live there at least 6 months before making big changes.

    2. Mrs. Fenris*

      The budget gurus will tell you that housing should not cost more than 25% of your gross income. I can tell you from experience that I sleep a lot better when my house payment is no more than 25% of my NET income. The bank will tell you that you can qualify for a lot more than that. Do NOT listen to them.

      1. Anon for finance stuff*

        When you’re talking about percentages and the cost of housing, is that your mortgage payment, or do I also need to include insurance, utilities, and property taxes in the calculation?

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Usually the full mortgage payment will include taxes and insurance which they will make you put into an escrow account (generally part of closing costs, but then built into your monthly payments).

          1. Jessesgirl72*

            That is area dependent. Some states require it, some don’t and it varies in the areas where it isn’t required. I like it all in one, but relatives and friends in other states think it is strange.

            1. Call me St. Vincent*

              Yeah I have Wells Fargo and they forced me into it. I was super nervous about someone else paying my taxes and insurance bill (can you tell I’m OCD?)!

              1. Jessesgirl72*

                Our real estate agent told us to ask for the option where they send the tax check to us instead of the city- which I am glad for, because they have been short $13 one year and $30 the next. Can you imagine being in default for that little?

                1. Call me St. Vincent*

                  That is exactly why I wanted to do it myself. Ugh! I tried to get out of it, but they wouldn’t let us because we were first time buyers. At least so far, they haven’t shorted us. I am pretty eagle eyed about it though for that very reason.

                2. Clever Name*

                  If your escrow is short, you get a letter telling you to pay the difference. It’s really not a big deal. Our escrow has been short by hundreds of dollars because of increasing real estate values in our area. While not ideal, it’s not a problem.

                3. Natalie*

                  @ Clever Name, you can also throw a little extra money in the escrow account every month if coming up short would squeeze you. If you don’t need it, it will be refunded at the end of the property tax year.

                4. Jessesgirl72*

                  Our escrow wasn’t short and they never sent us a letter telling us- they simply were paying out the wrong amount, despite the taxes not changing!

                  And our bank never lets us get short. They send a letter increasing and decreasing our montly payment sometimes 3 times a year! :P They also don’t pay out the excess.

              2. ..Kat..*

                Really. My husband and I told Wells Fargo if they wanted our business, we were taking care of the taxes and insurance on our own. Maybe they were too busy at the time opening up fake accounts to argue with us.

              3. Katie the Fed*

                You have good reason! US Bank (who handles my mortgage) forgot to make a tax payment last year. To say I was livid was an understatement.

                1. Jessesgirl72*

                  The advice our Realtor gave us has all proven to be true.

                  Some states and banks do absolutely require it be done through escrow, but I am so much happier with the check coming to me (made out to the city) so I know it is getting paid!

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Well, a generally accepted rule of thumb is that you should spend no more than 28% of your PRE-tax income on housing (which includes taxes and insurance). Assuming then your pre-tax income is probably more like $3,000/month, that would be $840/month.

      I would make sure you have six months of expenses saved up in an emergency fund before buying a house, maybe 3 months if your job is very stable and secure and you have the home warranty as Katie suggested. But me, personally, if I had money saved up I’d forego the warranty, since usually they cost more in the long run, or insurance companies wouldn’t be in business. They’re almost enforced savings policies, making you put aside small amounts of money regularly and then paying for large, unexpected expenses. If you could do that yourself, you wouldn’t have to worry about anything as long as you have a way to pay for an emergency the first year or two without borrowing.

      Make sure the bank allows you to prepay the mortgage, then when you are making more money you can pay down your mortgage and pay it off early, which should easily save you tens of thousands of dollars.

    4. MommyMD*

      Check out your neighbors and neighborhood very well at least a few times by parking on the street and quietly observing in your car.

      1. Cristina in England*

        At different times of day too, especially if there is a school or a church nearby that will mean a lot of concentrated traffic at certain times.

    5. Melody Pond*

      I’ve recently started using the 50/30/20 rule to get a clearer sense of my spending.

      The first part of it is: no more than 50% of your NET (take-home) income on “must-haves” which includes things like:
      – Monthly mortgage payment or rent
      – HOA fees, if any
      – Utilities
      – Property taxes
      – Basic food (i.e., just what you need to survive)
      – Car payment, if you have one
      – Gasoline, car insurance, etc.
      – Any other essential transportation expense that might be applicable – for example, I myself don’t have a car, but my transit pass and bike maintenance would fall here
      – Minimum required payments on other debt obligations, like a credit card or student loan
      – Health insurance
      etc., etc. This list could go on for a while.

      I won’t go into the other two components of it, unless you’re interested and want to hear it. But, basically – using this rule, it would be theoretically okay for your housing expenses to be greater than 25% of your take-home pay, as long as the grand total of all your other essential, must-have expenses was 50% or less of your take-home pay. Like for me, since I don’t have a car and I live in a very dense, urban neighborhood where I can get 90% of what I need by walking in a 1 mile radius (including getting to work), I have very low essential transportation costs, and I can afford to put a little extra “must-haves” budget towards housing and related expenses.

      1. Anon for finance stuff*

        That’s really helpful, thank you! I own a car that is fully paid off and don’t have student loans or credit card debt, so my monthly “essentials” payments would include medical and car insurance, plus mortgage and utilities, and then any non-payment required expenses like food, etc.

        I’d love to hear about the other two parts of that if you have time to share! Very new to adulting (see: living with a relative) and will take any advice I can get.

        1. Melody Pond*

          Sure thing! I’m basically regurgitating all of this from a personal finance book called “All Your Worth” by Elizabeth Warren, by the way.

          So, the next piece is to spend at LEAST 20% of your take-home pay on stuff in the “savings” category. Savings includes:
          – short-term savings (like, putting chunks of your income towards an emergency fund)
          – long-term savings
          – investments, etc.
          – and, one I found particularly interesting and helpful — savings can also include any EXTRA debt retirement payments, i.e., payments above and beyond the required monthly minimum payment, to pay off your debt sooner

          And the last piece is kind of interesting – the book gives a definition to “must-haves” and a definition to “savings”, but the last category, “wants” is a catch-all for anything that doesn’t meet the definitions of the other two categories. So, rather than having its own definition, it’s defined by what it’s NOT. And the book suggests spending no more than 30% of your take-home pay on anything in the “wants” category.

          And also, one piece I forgot to include in the definition of “must-haves” – the must-haves category is basically anything where you would continue spending your money if you lost your job/income. Which really helped me weed out what should, and shouldn’t go in that category.

          If you can go check out the book from a local library or something (which is what I did), I highly recommend it. My parents went through Dave Ramsey’s class when I was in college, and while I really like how he has the “baby steps” to kind of summarize his entire program, and I generally agree with them, there are some areas where I like Elizabeth Warren’s approach better. Those differences are primarily:

          – Elizabeth Warren is okay with student loan and car debt in addition to house debt, whereas Dave Ramsey is against anything other than house debt
          – Elizabeth Warren has this idea of “balance” in spending and is okay with the idea that you might want to spend some money on some fun stuff, even while you’re trying to pay down debt. Dave Ramsey is more into a “scorched earth” approach and isn’t really a fan of spending more than a super trivial amount on fun things, while you’re paying down debt
          – Elizabeth Warren considers early debt retirement as a form of savings. Which makes sense – it’s ultimately increasing your net worth. I’m sure Dave Ramsey would agree with this, too, but before I found Elizabeth Warren I had this helpless feeling like I wasn’t “getting started” fast enough on my financial security, because I was wasting all this time paying down debt.
          – Both of them believe in an emergency fund, but I found Elizabeth Warren’s definition to be more helpful. Dave Ramsey’s definition: 3-6 months of expenses, not income. Elizabeth Warren’s definition: 6-12 times your monthly “must-haves” amount.

          That’s all I can think of, off the top of my head. I’d definitely recommend the Elizabeth Warren book, “All Your Worth.” If I can find it, I’ll also link a youtube video of a lecture she did, back when she was a law professor, which is kind of a good pre-cursor to reading her book.

          1. Anon for finance stuff*

            Oh wow that’s really helpful- just requested the book from my library. Thank you!

          3. Melody Pond*

            For when my youtube link comes out of moderation — the main lecture starts at about 5 minutes into the video, and I’d encourage you to watch the whole thing.

            It seems kind of depressing by the time you get to the end of it – you might start to feel like the odds are very stacked against you, financially speaking. But basically everything she talks about in that lecture, is WHY she wrote the book, “All Your Worth.” The book is her idea on how to succeed, despite all these factors weighed against the average person. So, I think it’s a good precursor.

            1. Anon for finance stuff*

              Awesome, I’ll listen to it. Appreciate you passing it on! Thanks to everybody for their thoughtful advice!

    6. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Katie’s absolutely right. Figure out your own money first, you will almost invariably find that your comfortable number is lower than what a bank will approve you for assuming you haven’t got a ton of debt.

      I’m a PF blogger who went through a major job loss during the Recession with a family to support so I tend to be much more conservative in my spending recommendations but I’ve found they work well for my family :)

      My money is structured to pay myself first as much as possible: max out pretax retirement accounts, plus max out a ROTH or traditional IRA, then save 20% of cash of the remaining net pay. Second, I keep my committed expenses to no more than 40-50% of the remaining balance. That includes mortgage, property tax, HOA, utilities (trash, gas, electric, water, internet), home maintenance budgeting, property insurance, car insurance, earthquake insurance. Last, the variable expenses have to stay within the remaining 50-60% balance: food, gas, entertainment, clothing, pets and their needs.

      The lower you can keep the committed expenses that don’t tend to change much, the better flexibility you have in case of any issues.

      Our bank requires you to have at least 6 months of expenses in reserves before they’ll approve you for a mortgage. It’s good to do some research before you apply for a mortgage so you understand the basic terms and what they mean for you (fixed rate vs ARM, 15 year or 30 year). You can check Nerdwallet or Bankrate for articles on this background stuff and calculators, respectively. I blogged about some of our househunting stuff last Monday and possibly the Monday before that as well, I won’t leave a link here to avoid moderation but you can click on the link in my name if you’re curious.

      General inspectors, when you have a home inspection, do not always do a good job. We’ve had inspectors completely miss obvious mold on walls, bad wiring, they’ll take any excuse to avoid going into the crawlspace from my own and my friend’s experiences over the past several years. They also disclaim any and all responsibility for missing things so it’s really important to take a general inspection report with a grain of salt. Specialty inspectors cost more money but they may be worth it.

      Lead based paint was banned in 78, I think, so that’s something you have to expect to be in houses built before that time. Take a little time to read up on what the EPA recommends you do with that, especially if pets or kids will be in the picture ever, just so you’re aware of what may be a problem and don’t get surprised later. And asbestos is also quite common in older homes, at least here in the Bay Area, so that’s something to be aware of.

      It’s a great idea to live in the place for a while to get to know what you’re going to change, and what makes sense, because what looks obvious when you first walk through may not be what works best for you after you’ve lived there a while.

      The biggest things you can do for yourself, if you don’t already, is track where your money goes now and save as much as you can before you get into a house. Having healthy savings to draw on grants so much peace of mind!

  37. Clumsy Ninja*

    I’m so excited! We just got a new kitten today! (Backstory – my 15 year old cat had to be euthanized in January after a battle with cancer, and everyone in the house has been ready for another cat but waiting on me.) She came home this morning, and she couldn’t be more adorable if she tried! I will now do nothing else this weekend but watch TV and snuggle my kitten.

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Correction, watch TV, snuggle with kitten, take ENDLESS kitten photos because everything they do is so cute!

      Congrats!

      1. Annie Mouse*

        I’m doing the obsessive photo thing with my new kitty as well! Welcome home to your new family member!

      1. Clumsy Ninja*

        Willow. For “Fwuffy Widdle (Willow) Kitty” – which is all my ten-year-old was saying when he was trying to coax me into a new kitten.

  38. Channel Z*

    Twenty-One Balloons! I have trying to figure out the name of this book since 1984 when our teacher read it to us for story hour. I checked out Around the World in 80 Days a few years later so i could read it again, and was terribly disappointed it was wrong book. I tried lately googling hot air balloon, diamonds, Krakatoa as that’s all I could remember, but no joy. Thank you for solving this 33 year mystery. Can’t wait to read it to my kids!

    1. Channel Z*

      Can I also recommend The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. We named our son after the main character. Another all time favorite

      1. hermit crab*

        Yes, one of the best books of all time! I heard Norton Juster and Jules Feiffer speak (together!) at the National Book Festival a few years ago, and there was this amazing outpouring of love and appreciation from the audience, from people of all ages. Juster and Feiffer signed my battered paperback copy and it’s one of my most prized possessions.

    2. JBinNC*

      For something like that, you can try going to Novelist through your public library. It lets you put in keywords and I’ve used it before to find books for library patrons, and they were thrilled!

  39. Sardegna*

    Website recommendations for people just starting out in adulthood and looking for life advice on how to balance everything? I keep hoping for the perfect site which combines elements AAM, Corporette, Lifehacker, The Pool and certain subreddits like /r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide, but I’m yet to come across it. (Those would be my top lifestyle sites, for anyone unfamiliar with them!)

    1. LCL*

      You don’t need advice on how to balance everything. What people just starting adulthood need to know is, working full time will make you tired. Do what you like after work, but the way you structured your life pre full time work is gone forever. I blame the baby boom generation (am one) for telling people you will be able to do everything you want to do and work full time. We lied.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am a boomer, too. I blamed the greatest generation who believed, “Oh you have to work 28 hours a day, too bad, how sad. Suck it down. We did.”

        Their times where harsh-harsh. And what we call labor violations now, were ordinary then. They needed that suck-it-down attitude to survive their times.

        Companies used to take care of employees. Grandpa had been gone for five years when grandma took sick. Everything, even the nursing home was paid in full by grandpa’s insurance.
        And they did not consume the way we do now. The pressure to have all the latest toys is incredible. It was possible to work and pay your way through college, this meant no debt. The tables have turned with so many things. They were not dealing with the pay rate to price ratios we have now.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Sorry, just realised you are already on Reddit but not sure if you’ve seen LPT.

    3. Anon for current purposes*

      Bear in mind, I don’t yet have a job-job in my field, and I haven’t really worked full time yet. But having been through severe mental illness essentially throughout all of my 20s so far (turning 27 this year), I’d strongly urge you to find something that you can find purpose in, no matter what your life circumstances may be. I had to treat a week-long spell of depression by sitting in the library for some time every day and reading their collection of comic books, because I can be revived by the beauty and craft of good art. It might be (probably will be) different for you – jogging, volunteering, working on a car, etc. If you’re religious, then your faith might be a good option.

      You want something that will be there when everything else falls away. Because at some point, a lot of stuff will fall away, and it won’t be pleasant – death, divorce, etc. And you can’t plan for it, and you’re going to be doubting yourself and scrambling for some purpose, some reason for going on in your life, while it’s happening and for a very long time afterward. I’m going through the aftermath of some personal loss right now, even though it’s been a year out, and I had to watch a video on “The Philosophy of BoJack Horseman” to convince myself that a) I wasn’t going crazy, and b) there is a nonzero probability that everything will be okay.

      BTW this is not meant to contradict LCL’s advice; letting your hobby run your life is a bad idea if your hobby is not the job you use to get food money. This is more general life-philosophy advice than anything else.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Because at some point, a lot of stuff will fall away, and it won’t be pleasant – death, divorce, etc. And you can’t plan for it, and you’re going to be doubting yourself and scrambling for some purpose, some reason for going on in your life, while it’s happening and for a very long time afterward.

        Oh, my, yes, yes, yes, yes, indeed. After DH’s diagnosis (stable at present but still incurable) I found comfort just sitting in my synagogue and watching the other people. It was so good to see that life goes on even when I was privately falling apart.

        (No, I am not suggesting that religion is the only solid pole to grasp when life goes haywire! It just happens to work for me, but others might prefer hiking in nature, or gardening, or caring for animals, or making music … anything else that offers a person time, space, and method to switch among rest, recreation, and self-restoration.)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          It helps to have a bigger picture focus. If we focus on one aspect of life, it’s possible to feel like we are drowning. The truth is that there is more than one aspect to life.
          Nothing takes the hurts away. Ever. However, we have a basic need to progress, move forward. The worst place to be in life is hurt AND stuck in that hurt.

          The longer I live the more I see, it’s not what happens to us. It’s how we respond to the event. Our response can dictate the quality of life we will have. Our biggest challenge is what we do when the chips are down.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Here’s the secret: no one really has it figured out. Some people just pretend a lot better than others. It took me almost 40 years to realize that.

    5. EN*

      I like The Muse. Good advice across the board, but especially for young profressionals. It mostly focuses on work topics, but also the overlap between work and other aspects of life.

    6. Aphrodite*

      You might also try Apartment Therapy. Its articles include quite a few focused on new adults living on their own.

    7. Clever Name*

      There’s a book and a website called Adulting that a lot of people find helpful. But honestly, nobody knows how to be an adult without having to figure it out for themselves and sometimes messing up. It’s not the messing up that’s a problem, it’s in how you deal with messing up that can be problematic.

  40. The Other Dawn*

    Any recommendations for reducing the appearance of scars? My tummy tuck incision is finally 100% closed (yay!) and now it’s time to start treatment to lighten it. I’m currently using Mederma scar gel, but I’m wondering if there’s something better out there. A former friend (the Tenant From Hell) once recommended hemp oil, but I’m not sure if that’s permanent or if it’s just a temporary fix.

    1. Sardegna*

      I’ve heard great things about BioOil (from [tw] people with SH scars), although I’ve never used it personally.

      1. Rookie Manager*

        Bio oil did great stuff to my scarring to the extent that my doctor ‘lost’ one scar!

        It didn’t get rid of everything but what it did reduce was gone within a week or two.

    2. FDCA In Canada*

      I’ve had Mederma recommended to me by doctors, but I was trying to reduce scarring on my face and found it was too heavy and amde me break out. I used Bio Oil on my face, and had better results with it, but it might not be enough for a major incision scar. My husband used Mederma and Vitamin E oil on a scar from a bullet wound and had excellent success with that combo–can’t see it but at all now.

    3. Melody Pond*

      I think there are some oils that, especially combined with a scar massage when it’s medically okay to do so, can really help reduce the appearance of scars over time.

      I have some small abdominal scars from having my tubes removed, and I just yesterday got the go-ahead from my doctor to start applying coconut oil, jojoba oil, and the like. I’m probably going to use some of the recipes I’ve found on Pinterest that combine vitamin E oil, coconut oil, and some essential oils like frankincense and lavender. I’ll aim for doing that daily over several months, maybe a year or so. We’ll see how well I stick to it, though. :-P

    4. Channel Z*

      BioOil was wonderful on my facial gash, a trash can cover blew open and gouged my forehead. Can only make out a very feint white mark now.

    5. Claire (Scotland)*

      Bio oil is what I got my mum when she fell and gashed her forehead last October. Regular use has pretty much eliminated the scarring, there is a very faint white line left but given how bad the cut was, and how bad it looked at the time, it’s amazing how well it helped.

    6. Pharmgirl88*

      I’ve used Vitamin E oil and find that works pretty well – BioOil is good too.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Oils will work, some may take time depending on your setting.
      I used a topical oil on my puncture wounds and I also took vitamin E. Between the two the scars went out. The scars were pretty old by then, ten years or so. I thought nothing would get rid of them. It probably took about a year and a half to two years? I can’t be sure because I failed to notice. One day I realized that I had not seen the scars on my knees for while. I tugged on the skin trying to raise up any remnant and there was nothing left.

    8. Felicia*

      I tried mederma on a surgical scar on my neck and it gave me an awful itchy rash. I use vitamin E oil, combined with massage from a Registered Massage Therapist on the scar actually really helped.

    9. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

      Buy vitamin E caplets. Take one a day and a couple times a day pop one open and rub into the scar (fair warning, it’ll be sticky).

  41. Canadian Natasha*

    Is there anyone here who’s taken a boat tour of Les Calanques in the Marseilles region and would be able to recommend a good tour/company? I’m thinking of booking a tour for when I head to France this summer. I won’t have a vehicle so driving out isn’t an option (plus it may be too late in the season for road access). Thanks!

    1. Christy*

      I just went on a boat tour when I was in Cassis for the day. I couldn’t tell you the company–we walked up and purchased our tickets. It certainly wasn’t something we’d needed to book ahead.

  42. Anon for current purposes*

    This is an explicitly work-related article, but it links up to something I’ve been observing across all areas of life as well, which is why I’m posting on this thread and not the work one. Allison (rightly) cautions against stereotyping generations, but as a mid-range Millennial (in this article a “younger Millennial”) I see this a lot:

    http://www.startribune.com/how-the-recession-split-the-millennial-generation-into-haves-and-have-nots/422810293/

    Most of the early-mid 30-somethings are so optimistic I want to cut open their veins and forcibly transfuse their optimism into my body, to get rid of the grim cynicism that’s so characteristic of people within a couple years of me. Meanwhile, people in their early 20s are coming of age in a (somewhat) less hostile economy and lifestyle than I did after my Bachelor’s, but they’ve lost all illusions about following your passion. They just seem to be more “conventionally with it” in general.

    I’d almost say that my little snippet of Gen Y (25-30 ish) could be called the Rick and Morty generation – this smacks of pseudopsychological babble, but you get my point. Lots of failed dreamers who’ve settled for crumbs, and who are either trying to hang onto whatever pieces of their dreams they can, or giving up altogether and slouching toward realism.

    I’m just wondering if you agree with these observations, or if I’m going off of limited samples.

    1. Christy*

      I don’t think this is true. I’m the college class of 2010. Sure, most of my friends who studied theatre are in lower-paying, less steady jobs, but I and my peers who studied nursing or government or any STEM field or went to law school are all doing well. Honestly, those who were focused on career success (as opposed to, say, following an impractical dream like theatre or film) are all in good careers by now. And even one of my theatre friends has a full time with benefits job in the field. So I have to say, I don’t see it.

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      In my particular region I’ve seen the opposite: people in their 30s are competing with recent grads for the same jobs, but the younger people are getting hired because they’re willing to start at a lower salary. There’s a 10-year window during which a lot of older millennials were prevented from building up solid work histories, but now they have the normal responsibilities of 30-something adulthood and cannot accept entry level jobs that pay $25k a year, even if there’s room for growth. Of course, my area was devastated by Hurricane Sandy and it never fully recovered. Businesses weren’t able to bounce back after having their power out for two weeks. Maybe it’s different for people who are solidly in their mid-30s but I graduated from college in August 2008. I didn’t manage to find a professional job when the recession hit a few months later, and I’m not the only one. I’d say specific age matters less than when you graduated/started job hunting.

    3. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Can’t say I agree either. My immediate age cohort spans ages 24-35, sample size of about 40 individuals and their partners and they’re all reasonably balanced. Things aren’t perfect, some have amazing jobs but other challenges, some have work challenges but great home lives, some have a bit of both. I don’t see either blinding optimism or cynicism in any of them, just fairly rational pragmatism suited to their regional and health situations.

    4. Loopy*

      I graduated in 2010 and I would say that what I saw was a lot of initial struggles / anger/cynicism in the first 3-5 years or so after graduation. I had a good chunk of friends who needed a solid 3-4 years to really get steady/independent. But now for the past few years I think from what I see is that we’re all catching up and most of us have left the initial cynicism behind.

      I have a friend (for example) who had a very large student loan debt and for the first 4-5 years it really controlled her life. Still she managed to make the payments and now she’s seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and getting to enjoy more independence with the higher pay she’s had in the past two years.

    5. Zathras*

      I don’t know, I think what you’re seeing as cynicism/optimism might be more of an age/life stage thing than a birth cohort thing. From my own experience, and discussions I’ve had with some older friends and my mom, I suspect everyone kind of hits that stage at some point. You reach a point when it really settles in that this is it: this is your life, this is what you have to work with, you are the only one in charge, and when it is broken nobody is coming to fix it except you. You can no longer easily do or be anything you want – the choices you made at 18 and 22 shut some of those doors, and the choices you are making now will shut more. It’s depressing.

      While it would be great to be a person who landed on their feet right out of the gate, banked a shit ton of money, and got ready to retire early at 35, I’m not. I graduated in 2008 with no career plan, bounced around for years, borrowed scary amounts of money to go back to school, and finally got full time work with benefits in 2015. But I no longer waste energy thinking about what I should have had, or what other people have. I think about what I have, what I want (really want, not just things I’m “supposed to have”) and what I need to do in my life today to get there. Because traveling back in time and shouting “Take the CS class!” at freshman-year-me is not an option.

      Reading this over I’m worried it sounds condescending, or like I’m trying to say “get over it”, but I don’t mean it to be. The anger and cynicism are real and they hurt. But they’re also normal and don’t mean you are part of some cursed age cohort doomed to feel like that forever. I suspect many of the optimists you know in their 30s and older could tell you about a time they felt like that at around the same age.

    6. MT*

      I find it interesting that many of the comments saying “I disagree” are placing themselves on the older end but speaking for the younger end.

      My peers and I finished college in 2014 with a cohort of colleagues who studied a diversity of “practical fields” and struggled for years to land full-time professional work, and are only just now getting into the 30K and up salary range. I personally grew up in a region where college was not a given, and many others took the business-or-trade route, and did not fare better.

      I would be fascinated to see a regional demographics study! It always stands out to me when older generations associate themselves with certain technology – growing up in a more poor town, we did not see tech advancements so quickly, and so “you kids won’t remember this” conversations actually center around the technology of my childhood. This article hits on a significant reality: generational divisions as such don’t account for a vast diversity of factors.

  43. Anon for current purposes*

    Also: is there a religion discussion forum somewhere where the participants don’t try to piss on each other all the time? I’ve been in a few (not currently in any now) and it’s always turned into a nasty fight between extreme theists and extreme atheists. Or between one of those and everyone else. Or a bit of each.

    1. Isobel*

      Ship of Fools? Mostly Christians but a range of denominations and viewpoints, and there are some regular atheist posters.

    2. Mephyle*

      Seconding Ship of Fools. I was going to mention it even before I saw Isobel’s comment.

  44. Anon for This*

    Does anyone else struggle with feeling extremely overwhelmed by everything? A lot recently I struggle with being angry at/hating the whole world for all the awful things going on. I don’t just mean various political things but people being jerks to others in stores and people dying of diseases.

    I don’t want to completely tune out of the world, but sometimes I feel like that’s the only alternative. I’ve read some on over-empathizing, but that doesn’t seem exactly right either.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      Yep. This is somewhere between anxiety and stress for me – just not having the headspace for it all. I stopped routinely reading newspapers months ago which helped a bit.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      All the time.

      Sometime I need to just unplug from everything and recharge by binge watching something on Netflix or Hulu. I stopped watching the local news a long time ago because it got overwhelmingly sad and even now I have days where I just ignore all the news stories because they wear me down.

    3. Lemon Zinger*

      Yes, I am having a hard time right now. I am forcing myself to avoid Twitter, which is where I get most of my news. At the very least, I cannot keep looking at Twitter in the morning. It sets me up for a whole day of sadness and disappointment.

    4. Book Lover*

      When I start feeling that way, I switch from podcasts to listening to music and from browsing the web to reading books. I would look at what you are being exposed to that may be exacerbating the feelings and try to make a change. Sorry, hard times :(

    5. Mimmy*

      I’ve been feeling that way on and off myself lately. Having Wednesdays and the weekends off helps, but I think I need a life coach or similar to help me sort it all out (following the thread above that discusses life coaching).

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Not much of an answer, but when I find myself getting edgy, like a mix of anxious and angry, I need more rest.

      We live in very stressful times. Disturbingly, there are not a lot of people trying to be calming or reassuring. I think this is concerning.

      So my best thought is invest in some self care, in whatever way that means to you. We have to decide as individuals find ways to calm ourselves. And look for ways to help others to feel calmer, even if it’s only for a moment.

    7. Thlayli*

      I deleted my news apps and installed a Facebook blocker and it has reduced my stress no end. I don’t watch or listen to the news either or buy newspapers. Trust me, any big news you will find out from other people anyway.

    8. Anono-me*

      I have found that doing something kind helps me when too many people seem to be acting in a disappointing way.

      Someone else on here (Sorry, I don’t recall whom.) said they always look for the helpers when bad things happen. Fire=Firefighters, Politics=Protesters, Disease=Research and Medical personnel.

    9. a Gen X manager*

      YES. I increased my Zoloft dose and reduced my social media use and I feel better, but not great.

  45. NJ Anon*

    Gender reveal party? My son and SO are having one. I’ve never been and frankly the first time I heard if it, I thought it was silly but whatever. She already has kids from a previous relationship. Gifts? No gifts? I’m not sure if she’s having a baby shower. I’m so confused, lol. I realize not the biggest problem but curious to find out what you all think or know or have experienced.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I think they are cheesy and a way to push societal gender norms on an unborn fetus. Not a fan. I wouldn’t take a gift if you know that they are having a baby shower.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Yes to this. At least call it a “sex” reveal party, rather than a “gender” reveal party. The baby’s sex is biological. Gender is learned behavior. :-/

      2. Gaia*

        The more I learn and understand about the complexity of genders and all that entails the more I dislike gender reveal parties.

      3. Thlayli*

        I doubt the fetus will be in any way hurt by “Having gender norms pushed on them”. The entire experience the fetus will have is “my cozy mommy-womb is slightly louder and moving around a bit more than usual”. Also if they are doing it off the back of the 10week genetic testing rather than the 20week anatomy scan the fetus could be less than 15 weeks and not even able to hear anything anyway, so it will just be getting sloshed around slightly more than usual.

        They don’t understand the concept of gender until about 3 years after birth and I think it’s been pretty much proven that you can’t make a child trans or Cis. Latest research indicates it’s most likely either genetic or to do with hormones in the womb. so I highly doubt a gender reveal party is going to do a fetus any damage whatsoever.

        I think people get really excited about the sex because it’s just about the only piece of info you have about the baby before it’s born. And some people love gender reveal parties. I think they’re tacky myself, but based on what I see on Pinterest some people absolutely adore them.

        2. Thlayli*

          Also here’s a fascinating article about the possibility that transgenderism could possibly be caused by chimaerism. Scientists fused embryos and created birds with brains of one sex in bodies of the other sex and surprise surprise they behaved according to their brains sex not their bodies. This article also claims that some believe human chimaeras could be a lot more common than previously thought – possibly even up to 1 in 8 people (I didn’t check the source on this).

          I also wonder if this could be the cause of transableism. I’ve read interviews with the transabled and contrary to popular belief they don’t all just want to be disabled- some of them genuinely feel that a particular part of their body isn’t really theirs and should be removed. Which i can see being caused by chimaerism.

          Anyway – totally off topic there sorry I just love going down the rabbit hole of weird and wonderful science.

          http://theangrycrossdresser.blogspot.ie/2010/09/are-we-chimera.html?m=1

          1. Thlayli*

            I agree that it’s harmful to push stereotypical and restrictive rules on children based solely on their sex. Like not letting a girl play with bricks or a boy play with dolls. That’s harmful.

            But I really think it’s a reach to say gender reveal parties are harming society (or harming the fetus). It’s just a cake and a few party games and the child in question is literally unaware it is happening.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Not a fan. That’s related a lot to my family’s culture– we don’t do baby showers or discuss baby specifics before the babies arrive– but beyond that, I just think they’re one more reason to get gifts, and I find them very off-putting. I especially find it annoying when people do both a gender reveal party AND a baby shower. Overkill.

    3. Gingerblue*

      I think they’re weird and assume other people are way more invested in your offspring than they usually are, but whatever makes people happy. I’d assume no gift, especially if it turn out they’re doing a shower.

    4. Lemon Zinger*

      I REALLY hate gender reveal parties. I think they’re tacky and they’re typically just gift grabs.

    5. Amadeo*

      My SIL and brother did one for each of theirs, but they were just kind of a cupcakes and pizza affair, not a shower and really just for us immediate family (Grandparents to be, aunts (me and my sister, SIL’s sister) and uncle (sister’s hubs)).

      We didn’t do gifts then. We gave her a proper shower for the first one and SIL’s sister gave her a ‘sprinkle’ for the second.

      1. NJ Anon*

        Oh, a sprinkle sounds cute! The problem too is that we have a big family so “just” grandparents, etc would still be quite a few. I really don’t think they are doing it for gifts, just for fun. Especially because on our side of the family this will be the first grandchild, gret grandchild, neice or nephew, etc.

        1. Amadeo*

          Yes, it was like ‘baby shower lite’. She didn’t get the big things, but bunches of diapers, a few clothes of the sort that tend to get tossed instead of kept and re-used, ointments and those sorts of things, just the little disposables she’d have not had on hand since the first had grown out of them. You know, the sorts of things that I’m sure a lot of parents are desperate for (not that they’re not grateful for the car seats/high chairs/etc) but don’t receive a lot of the first go round.

    6. alex*

      Honestly I think they’re photo-ops for self-important, baby-expecting people. Absolutely no gifts.

    7. JJJJShabado*

      We didn’t find out for any of our kids (I did not think I’d be a zealot on this, but I so much enjoyed not knowing). We joke about having a gender reveal party where we would cut into a cake and have it be green and say we told you, not finding out.

      Some athletes have done gender reveals by doing their sport (Freddie Freeman hit a baseball, Kirk Cousins threw a football terribly) and I don’t mind those, but otherwise not a fan

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      I don’t mind the overall concept. It’s so hard to get together with people when you have an infant that I think it’s fine to have a lot of little gatherings before your group all gets caught up in marriage and parenting. I’ve had friends who had gender reveal parties and showers and all of that and I was glad to be able to hang out with them a few times because now I haven’t seen them in a while and it’ll be a while more before I get to socialize with them in a way that’s meaningful for me.

    9. copy run start*

      They’re a giant waste of time. Gifts are not expected I believe, so you just gather and play stupid “tell the gender via ridiculous superstition” games for a few hours until someone finally cuts open a dry cake so you can go home. I honestly do not care what gender anyone’s baby is. I disagree with assigning a gender based solely on physical anatomy. (I mean, can we at least wait until the baby is born before we force damaging gender norms on them?) It’s all for the parents, truly, and probably money better spent on prepping for the new baby.

      Most people will have a separate baby shower, though some people may not if it’s not the first child. Still, I would not bring a gift for a gender reveal even if the family wasn’t having a shower. You can always give a gift outside of a shower if you want to!

    10. Thlayli*

      i very much doubt you are not expected to give 3 gifts – gender reveal, baby shower and birth! That would be ridiculous. Personally I would expect grandparents to give a fairly big gift once not 3 small gifts. (Depending on finances/family closeness). In my culture it’s considered unlucky to give gifts before baby is born and I know people who lost babies late and found getting rid of the gifts / putting them into storage to be extremely painful.

      I think these parties are so new the etiquette isn’t set in stone yet so just ask your son straight out if he wants a small gift for this or if he just wants one big gift when baby is born (or before if it’s something they’ll need straight away). also tell him your budget and ask him what he needs or wants so you don’t end up getting him something he has 3 of already.

      As to whether you should go or not – that’s really up to you. If they are doing it as well as a shower they might not mind if you don’t go but if it’s the only party to celebrate your new grandchild they probably would be a little miffed if you didn’t come.

      2. NJ Anon*

        Oh I would absolutely go. I really didnt expect so many “deep” thoughts about the subject. I realy think they are just doing it for fun. They are not into pushing gender norms (I used that word, they didn’t. ) Her daughter has a totally gendereutral name. It’s just been so long that there’s been a baby in the family, I wasn’t sure of the etiquette. Back in my day, you didn’t know the sex until you gave birth.

        1. Thlayli*

          Deep thoughts abound lol!

          I think a quick chat with your son about presents would solve most of your worries.

          Congrats on your granddaughter/son!

    11. Anono-me*

      For your consideration. I am aware of a few gender reveals that were just a cute way of sharing information about a baby in a way that gave everyone the information at the same time so as to avoid the ‘but you told other person first, so you love them better’ drama. They just involved immediate family and no gifts. (One was online.)

      Happy wishes on the future grandbaby.

  46. Amadeo*

    Attempt to keep an amano shrimp in my little tank, part deux. The cherry seems content to hide under the big decorative rocks and come out at night, but the last pair of amanos found the gap at the back of the aquarium lid and jumped ship. I have rigged a barrier with some clear packing tape at the back. Here is hoping it keeps the shrimp at home this time!

  47. JBinNC*

    I loved The Twenty-One Balloons – I probably read it a dozen times when I was young. Later on I looked for it and couldn’t find it because I thought it had been written by Jules Verne. I finally found it again in a list of Newbery winners, and re-read it about 10 years ago – it’s still very fun.

    1. Mimmy*

      Best: My paycheck is FINALLY correct!!

      Worst: Nothing this week, but I’m dreading my doctor appointment on Tuesday. That’s my 3-month A1C check :/

    2. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: Went to the salon for my root touch-up today (and she highlighted a little). She gave me a blowout and it looks amazeballs.

      WORST: My hair looks amazeballs and I have nowhere to go. :(

      2. Hrovitnir*

        This is the cutest. I hope you don’t mind that descriptor. But your post made me smile.

    3. Sparrow*

      Best: My long-distance boyfriend moved back to my city two weeks ago and we’ve been savoring our time together and it’s wonderful.
      Worst: I’ve been busy with boyfriend and other hobby/social events and let my apartment get messy, wasn’t cooking and ate out a lot this week, which affected my budget and my mood. I got back on track today though, by grocery shopping, doing a little meal prepping, cleaning my apartment and having a lot of “me time.”

    4. Ktelzbeth*

      Best: I got a promotion at work (maybe this was last week). Its been in the works for so long and I was informally acting as well that I have trouble remembering the exact date. Still, its good.

      Worst: Fridge (6-7 years old) broke when the compressor went out on Tuesday. Part is still under warranty, but labor is not. Had the repairman order a new compressor, which he installed on Friday. It didn’t work either. Still no fridge. Limping by on the kindness of friends to store a lot of stuff and borrowed mini fridges for the necessities.

    5. Trixie*

      Best: House-sitting this week which means lots of personal space and in a lovely home to boot.
      Worst: Feeling my weight creeping up, too much snacking and sitting. Trying to stick to more healthy snacking options, even trying those packaged veggie/fruit/cheese packs. Bonus: Adding shredded carrots to smoothies for a little more sweetness.

      1. Zathras*

        I think these may be my best and worst too! I am also house sitting, and it is awesome. The other day when it was super hot I closed all the curtains and hung around in my underwear.

        But the worst side is that the people I am house sitting for keep snacks, and I do not normally keep snacks around because I am not good at snack-related restraint. I have been here 2 days and have eaten their entire bag of pretzels, two huge bowls of their ice cream, and a lot of their fancy fruit snack packets.

    6. Overeducated*

      Best: had a pretty nice day today. Went to the farmers market and park with the kiddo and a good friend, cooked a new Indian recipe for dinner, watched tv and drank sangria with husband. Yay weekends.

      Worst: what I posted about in the work open thread.

    7. Red*

      Best: Husband has always wanted a vasectomy, and has finally had one!

      Worst: He had it, and now his pain meds are making him loopy as all heck and I am so over being the sober one that has to do the driving and housework. This is exhausting. At least it’s temporary!

    8. Amadeo*

      BEST: Almost done with my practice tunic for my Jedi General cosplay, then I can show it to the Legion judges and see if I need to make any big pattern changes before I start cutting into my good material for the actual cosplay piece.

      WORST: My 9 month old truck, bought brand new, is blowing white smoke on first start of the day, seems to be intermittently, but you know. So I get to bug the dealership about something else that needs fixed. Before that it was the radio. I’d rather not see white smoke from the exhaust for another 90k+ miles when it makes sense for the seals to seep oil. Sigh.

      1. Workaholic*

        Best: it’s weekend! (And i got paid yesterday)

        Worst: voluntary Saturday overtime. And apprenticeship training all day Sunday. Weekend is over before it started.

    9. Ramona Flowers*

      Best: I quit smoking. Today is day ten. I seem to have properly made up my mind unlike with previous unsuccessful attempts and I think this is actually it.

      Worst: horrible experience on public transport (don’t want to go into details). Getting back on the next day was the hardest thing ever but I knew avoidance would make it worse and I’d wind up with agoraphobia. Still I was in adrenaline mode for hours after I got to work and then had to sit outside the station for ages at home time. I’m seeing Victim Support next week and if that doesn’t work I’ll call the EAP (you can get a set number of free therapy sessions but only once a year so trying other avenues first). I just feel very vulnerable now – and robbed because I actually LIKED and enjoyed my commute until this happened.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        And not using public transport isn’t an option given I commute to work in London from another city and have a medical condition that stops me driving so I’m hugely reliant on it to get around.

      2. Hrovitnir*

        Congratulations on stopping smoking! Good luck!

        I’m sorry about your experience. That kind of (presumed) harassment makes me so angry for precisely the reason you say – not only can it be incredibly scary, but even if it’s not it can really suck the joy out of doing whatever it was when it occurred. :(

      3. Jean (just Jean)*

        Sorry that this happened to you! May you find your way back to taking public transit with peace of mind.

      4. Temperance*

        I’m so proud of you for quitting smoking, and I’m proud of you for getting back out there.

      5. Jules the First*

        So sorry to hear this happened to you…I’ve had a couple of truly horrible ones on Transport for London (for which, I note, both TfL staff and both lots of police were absolutely fabulous). The first couple of weeks after were hard (and there are still days where I can’t cope) but by and large it did get better much faster than I was expecting it to. Hang in there!

    10. Ruffingit*

      BEST: I’ve been doing 5k training/running 5ks since January 30. And I’m loving it!

      WORST: Family stuff.

    11. Insurance*

      Best: it’s my one year wedding anniversary with my husband
      Worst: I have strep throat and mono, most likely picked up from traveling so much for work.

    12. Buggy Crispino*

      I didn’t really have a best this week. It started out as a pretty good week, nothing special, birthday week, but I’m not a huge celebrator of my birthday, so I was just kind of looking forward to a nice quiet week.

      The worst for me, being a huge HUGE Chris Cornell fan, was waking up Thursday morning to find that he had died. Then finding out as the day went on that he had committed suicide – and the realization that he had died on my birthday. I kinda turned into a 13 year old emo boy for the rest of the day. Though I’ve been very sad when other celebrities have died, this is the first time I took it personally. Then I spent the rest of the week feeling alternately sad and then stupid and then sad again.

    13. Jules the First*

      Best: Tuesday with my pony. She was sooooo happy to see me and such a well behaved little lady (not normal!)

      Worst: still without one of those things we don’t talk about on weekends, which is stressing me out

    14. Parenthetically*

      Best: this baby is kicking up a storm and every kick is so fun. Third trimester here we go!

      Worst: had a huge, huge allergy attack after talking a long walk in the pollen-iest air ever and it wore out my immune system so much that I’ve spent most of the day doing nothing or half-doing things and now I’m in bed.

  49. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Went hiking with the SO today. Found out that by “meet grandparents” he means meet: immediate family (who I know already), grandparents, aunt, uncle, and maybe a cousin or 2.

    How did you prep yourself for meeting the family?

    Also, were you already engaged or if not, how many months/years had you been dating when you finally met the fam?

    1. Christy*

      My wife met my entire extended family after we’d been dating for 10 days. (She came to Christmas as her family is across the country.) I met her entire family (like, family reunion level extended family) after six months at our first trip to her home state together (and her first trip back there since a month into us dating).

      1. Christy*

        And I just did my best to remember the aunts’ and uncles’ names. I’m pretty confident in my social skills so I just treated it like anyone new I’d like to make a good impression on.

    2. Red*

      I mean, after a month of dating I moved in with my boyfriend and his father and grandmother because I was suddenly homeless, so ignoring that… I met the rest of his family about 6 months into the relationship. They were super nice but it’s also a big family so I’m just now really remembering names, after 4 years and our wedding.

      1. Red*

        As far as advice, presumably he’s told them about you (thus removing some of the “first impression” stress), so just be friendly and yourself. It’ll be fine, I promise.

        Oh, and the “moving in” thing I did is not as awkward as it sounds, they are a family that takes in stray people when they need taking in so it was kind of just business as usual in their household. I should’ve mentioned that, lol.

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      Met his sister and a cousin on our 4th date . . . lol. Met (most of) his family about a month in. There’s still a few relatives I haven’t met. He met pretty much all my family after about 2 months.

      They’re just people! Don’t worry about it too much :)

    4. Thlayli*

      I’ve met extended families of a good few of my boyfriends. Usually it just happens at a wedding or a funeral or a christening or something like that and it’s no big deal coz the focus is on other people anyway. It sounds like they are having a big gathering Just for the purpose of meeting you? That’s a bit weird imo. Are you ok with that? It’s totally ok to tell him you don’t want to be the centre of a big gathering specifically for you.

      1. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        It seems like it’s a big gathering *just* to meet me…..

        The last time they gathered for a wedding was 3 years ago, they live far from each other, so I think it’s also a “mini-reunion” of sorts. His family’s maybe curious about me.
        And of course, I haven’t mentioned that at all to my mom–if I did, she’d flip a lid and ask why I’m betraying her by getting to know his family/being disloyal. She’s spout off on how she provided me food, clothing, shelter and “this is how you repay us…” -_- Plus I don’t have siblings to confide in, and the one cousin I could is ill with cancer and my own family’s too far away to care about me on a daily basis…

        1. Thlayli*

          Well that’s a lot of separate issues. I think under the circumstances you’re right not to mention it to your mother.

          If you are uncomfortable with being the centre of attention then you can totally tell your partner that. It’s a bit unusual to have a big gathering of extended family just to meet a partner who isn’t a new spouse. But if you’re ok with it that’s all that matters. You could ask him to tell them all not to make you the centre of attention and just focus on the reunion side of it that’s a reasonable request.

          As for prepping – just be yourself.there isn’t really any prep you can do. Maybe have answers to the usual getting to know you questions ready.

    5. Hrovitnir*

      Oh wow, that’s a little intense! At least you already know his immediate family. :)

      I had only been seeing my partner for a few months when I met his family, as they were still doing regular get togethers on weekends. So I went to dinner with his parents, his 4 siblings and their partners and kids! Complete with awkward traditions like “bags not” for doing dishes. O_O

      I dunno, I didn’t really prep, and obviously we weren’t engaged (and still aren’t after 13 years; I’m not keen on marriage. It’s less ubiquitous in NZ though.) They were kind and welcoming. It was very odd for me coming from a small and dysfunctional family. Oh, and two of his brothers looked incredibly similar to my partner, so that was nice. :D (They looked so similar that his mother gets them confused in old albums, but they diverged more over time.)

    6. Red Reader*

      I’ve known (and disliked) his twin brother as long as I’ve known him. I’ve met his mom once and his sister once, and never his other three siblings. He’s not very close with his family, so I don’t have to worry about it much :-P

    7. Rainy, PI*

      I’ve met my bf’s parents and brothers. We’ve been together about 2 1/2 years, and I met one of his brothers immediately (they lived together), the other one a few months in (lives on the east coast), and then his parents at about a year and a half in. I don’t know that I really prepped myself. :)

      He hasn’t met any of my family. They are pretty awful, and if he meets my parents at our wedding and doesn’t see them again for some years, that is okay with me. (I haven’t seen my parents in something like 7 years, and for the first almost two years we were dating, if I brought him up when talking on the phone or texting they’d pretend I hadn’t said anything and end the conversation, which really hurt my feelings. I don’t really talk to any of my family regularly except my sister.)

  51. nep*

    Familiar with Dancing Dreams in New York? (dancingdreamsDOTorg)
    I salute the founder and everyone who makes all this possible. I’m just happy this exists.
    Check out the 2017 audio slide show on their website. Have a tissue handy.

  52. Moving to Nunavut*

    I am so tired of it.

    Over the past few weeks I have witnessed egregious behavior from others and I am just sick and tired of it.

    A few weeks ago, I was at one of the larger bus transfers in our area (at the mall), and there was a group of people in their late teens/early 20’s being rather rowdy and horsing around it was obvious they were intimidating others waiting for the bus. Well a “friend” of one of the guys of this group drove by, and of course this could not remain unaddressed. So the guy stands up and starts yelling obscenities at the guy driving by, who responds in kind and ends with both agreeing to see each other at Such-and-such’s Cousin’s Party that weekend. Guy sits down, and an elderly man next to him tells him he shouldn’t speak like that. About a dozen people are at the stop, mostly elderly people who depend on the bus (there is a home nearby), as well as a few families with children walking by.

    Young woman (18-20) in the group with a child of her own in a stroller, stands up and starts screaming in the elderly man’s face: “If you don’t like it you can leave! We don’t want you here, this is _______ and if you don’t like it you can get the F__ on! You don’t belong here and you need to go back to where you came from _____!”

    Original offender and another guy from this group stood up and had to step between her and the elderly man… who did not get any kind of apology btw. They were just concerned someone would call the police before their bus came and didn’t want her to get picked up (heard them tell her as much), and also her baby was getting upset. Though she finally sat down again the rest of the time she complained loudly about how sick to death she was of people “who don’t belong here” basically being here.

    Didn’t have the presence of mind to capture any of this, I instead went to look for security (who are never able to be found of course) once I saw the elderly couple wasn’t being attacked.

    Later that week I saw another young mom (or Auntie), get her barely-learned-to-ambulate child out of her car seat, set her on the ground, close the car door, and walk off across a busy parking lot. She didn’t look back once, just expected her kid to follow her while she walked three paces ahead and fiddled on her phone. Then at the entrance of the store, she finally turned around and scolded the little girl for still crossing the street, while she was already ready to go inside.

    We get to today, and I see someone almost get rear – ended and hear them get honked at, for stopping at a crosswalk to let a woman with a twin baby carriage cross… then 20 minutes later at the same intersection see an elderly man with a cane get honked at and yelled at for crossing the street too slowly, by a guy who tried to pass the car which had stopped to let this person cross. Of course I couldn’t see the plates of either one of these cars.

    I want to do something besides complain here. I am ashamed of myself, that each and every time there wasn’t much I could do but let it go, while trying to remember to stay nice lest I become one of these people…

    1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      You didn’t ask for advice, and not sure I have any in the face of such appalling behaviors, but I do empathize with you. I’m glad no one was hurt but what a terrible set of experiences to witness.

    2. Rebecca*

      I feel like society in general is getting more crass, less tolerant, and just plain rude, and people don’t seem to want to think that another person could be sharing their space and time.

      Yesterday, I was nearly run over by a woman in a large extended cab pickup truck. Country road, I was trying to make a right turn to go down a hill, and she was making a left turn at the same time…she put me nearly into the bank and I had to come to a full stop, either that or hit the dirt embankment. She wasn’t paying attention, was yakking on her phone, and was totally in my lane. She looked at me like I was an annoyance, and sped away. Recently, a woman in the grocery store checkout line behind me called me an “effing” b***h because I may have slightly bumped her cart when I was putting my groceries on the belt. I don’t even know if I did or not, the checkout person was a bit horrified, and I had no idea what I could have done.

      My advice is not to directly engage with people who act this way, but stand ready to call the police or get help from others. I am truly afraid of what people will do. It seems that impulse control is becoming a thing of the past.

    3. Hrovitnir*

      Try not to feel bad! I understand that feeling but you have already shown your willingness to do what you can by going to security when you were sure the elderly couple were safe. That’s good!

      I tend to think things haven’t got worse so much as it’s displayed differently. And potentially more blatantly. Regardless, while my experiences with people being awful are quite different, I feel you. I actually really need to do something to stop feeling like everyone is awful, because I feel like a majority of people are so inconsiderate so much of the time. :/

      Also :( :( to the kid in the car park. I’m not super into kids but I get really upset at people treating their kids like that, even when it’s not so dangerous.

    4. nep*

      I’m completely with you. Those are tough things to witness.
      People honking their horns except to avoid an accident should be strung up.
      And out of impatience when someone is crossing the street (and worse, trying to pass another car!) — inexcusable.
      I do find that there is a basic lack of decency among many people, to say the least. I, too, get really down when I experience such things. But I straightaway focus on positive interactions I’ve had with strangers; there are still some people who care about courtesy and being decent.

  53. Gaia*

    I posed last week about having to put my dog down. I am hoping to get some insight because I have no idea if what I am experiencing is normal. For context, I have been very lucky to have never lost anyone or anything close to me so I have had absolutely no experience with death until now. I know that is unusual and I think it is why I am so confused.

    For the last year I have known my dog’s time was going to be coming. We’ve had health scare after health scare and, each time, I would imagine that was it I’d cry and cry fearing I’d lose him and then he would pull through and I’d carry on. So when the time came last week I cried when telling the vet over the phone it was time. I cried when telling my friends and family. I cried in the room at the vet and after. I cried a bit later that night and less the next day (Sunday) and…maybe…two or three times in small bursts since?

    I feel kind of calm. I miss him, of course. I wish he was here and my heart will heart out of nowhere sometimes but not “bring me to tears” sadness. Just sort of a dull ache. It actually makes me feel really guilty like I didn’t love him enough to be grieving more for him. My friends who have lost pets cried for days. I know everyone says that no matter how you grieve it is normal but….*is* this normal? Even other people seem to be thrown by how calmly I can talk about him. Everyone seems to expect me to bust out in tears because they all know that my dog was my world. But I just…don’t.

    1. Christy*

      Totally normal! Some people are criers in grief. Some get angry and refuse to follow a normal sleep schedule and are clinically depressed. Some cry a few times and then get sad without crying much later. I’m the last kind. I am close to someone who was the second kind.

    2. Nervously Waiting*

      You had a lot of anticipatory grief, so you worked a lot of it out before he actually died. Totally normal.
      People who lose a loved one after an extended terminal illness may experience something similar, even some relief that it’s finally over and they can quit anticipating it. Also totally normal.
      Basically, grief is such a personal thing, there is a really wide range of normal!
      I’m really sorry for your loss. It’s such a hard thing.

      1. Overeducated*

        I have never heard the phrase “anticipatory grief” but it rings true. Two people close to me who have lost immediate family members (a parent and a child) after long periods of health scares and deterioration said they felt relief and peace after they died, not because it was good, but because they struggled with a lot of grieving beforehand and the uncertainty itself was really hard on them.

        I think grief doesn’t have a neat timeline and I also think crying isn’t the measure of how much you love someone. I am so sorry about your dog.

      2. copy run start*

        This. The people and pets I’ve lost that were expected/clearly coming were not as painful as the sudden ones. In some cases I felt more relief than sadness knowing that person or pet was no longer suffering.

    3. Amadeo*

      More or less, yes. I’d experienced losing loved ones before I had to put my GSD to sleep, but it sounds about the same. I bawled out of sheer heartbreak on the phone, talking to the vet the afternoon we decided it needed doing. Then I didn’t want to be home, but I was OK. I cried quietly one more time the next day when I was rough housing with my dad before they left the house for something and started to call her to come bite his knee before I realized what I was doing. I fled to the basement.

      But I was pretty calm about it all after that. I knew it was coming, I’d heard the vet confirm what I was already thinking, she got to ‘leave’ the last time (we went outside to a tree behind the clinic) and I had the closure of burying her in the yard. There’s nothing wrong with you, and it is normal.

      1. Gaia*

        That sounds like a really kind way for you to get closure. Pup loved the vet so I was glad he had some excitement in his final moments (car ride + vet = best day ever!). I decided on cremation since I don’t have property and I’m going to *ahem*lessthanlegally*ahem* take his ashes to the ocean and the forest where he was happiest and where some of my best memories of him are.

        Eating is weird. All of my at home meals for over 9 years have been accompanied by him. It is strange to not tear off a piece of chicken and hand it to him at the end of my meal. And when there was thunder the other day my first thought was to wonder if my Pup was at home scared before I realized he was gone.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You sound fine to me.
      Every death is different. Confusingly, one death can impact different people in different ways.
      Some of your friends may be thinking of their own pets and upset at the possible loss of their own pets.
      If you are just telling someone they may be in shock/upset because it’s new to them.

      If you are experiencing heart pangs, that, too, is grief. It’s no different than tears. We don’t have to cry in order to be grieving.

      1. Gaia*

        Thanks, that is helpful to remember that grief isn’t always crying. I feel like I go from feeling normal to numb to sad in this weird cycle all day long but because it isn’t outward facing or dramatic it feels “not enough.” The more I read the comments here the weirder that sounds in my mind though. So that is good.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Right on. I am not much fo the wailing and rolling on the floor stuff. But if that is what people are doing, then I can see there might be a pressure to do the same. There is no “right” way to grieve. We all have our own way of grieving.

          I remember a story of a distant family member who lost a relative. This person walked into the calling hours and THREW themselves on top of the body, crying with all their might.
          Others in the room rolled their eyes.
          Differences in people. (The family shares the same heritage so this was not a cultural difference.)

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      You had a year to get ready for this and you know you did the right thing plus you did cry a few times. You don’t need to beat yourself up for not feeling sad enough.

      A friend of mine once told me that she loves her cats but when they pass she won’t be getting new ones. She’s starting to be ready for a new phase of her life where she can have nice furniture, have more apartment options, and not have her social life limited by having pets at home. She’s ready to stop worrying about pet health problems and paying for medications. Maybe you feel somewhat similar?

      1. Gaia*

        I’ve always known I wouldn’t get another dog after pup. I love my dog dearly but I didn’t love having a dog, if that makes sense? It is in the same category as kids for me. I never really sought out a dog, he just came into my life and I fell in love and couldn’t stand being parted from him so we shared our worlds for 9 years.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Sometimes a being enters our lives and we know this being is exceptional, so we take on more or do more because of the privilege of having this being with us.

          Likewise with other relationships. After my husband passed, I decided I was not interested in dating or another serious LT relationship. I thought I would like to experience other things in life now.

          It makes sense to me.

    6. Gingerblue*

      Maybe I’m wildly off base, but I feel like grief, especially over pets, has gotten a lot more competitive/performative in recent years. I feel inundated by people online losing pets and talking about how sad they are and how they grieved for months and so on. Which I’m in no way disparaging as a reaction, if that’s what they feel! But I do think there are a lot of people out there feeling the same pressure that you do to grieve louder or longer, to spend more money on treatments trying to prolong the inevitable, etc.

      I dunno. We had pets growing up and it was sad when they died, but then you move on. But in the last few years I’ve been having the same quiet doubt as you about whether that’s normal? I think it is, but no one wants be the one to say that yeah, ultimately, I loved my cat but it was a small animal that I always knew wouldn’t live that long compared to me. Nervously Waiting talked about anticipatory grief, which I think is absolutely right, and would expand to say that you know from the moment you take an animal in that you’re probably going to outlive it.

      1. Gaia*

        I think that makes sense. I think it is a lot of things for me. There definitely is some guilt over my decision (even though I know it was right) due to the reaction from some friends. Pup was in pain and he was getting sicker but he probably could have lived longer. I just don’t know how good of a life it would have been so I decided to not risk that and give him a kind and peaceful end to the pain. I’ve had more than one person tell me I gave up to soon and, coupled with my weirdness over my grief, that really feels horrible.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          I’m really people said that to you. It was completely not okay. These people are telling you something about themselves. Firstly about their relationship with death – perhaps they want to believe you can cheat death if only you try hard enough. Some people say that most stupid, insensitive bullshit to others when they are really panicking in the face of death and pain and sickness and the idea that all the money and love in the world can’t stop someone you love from needing to leave this earth. But they are also telling you something about them. It is not kind or sensitive to say something like that. Therefore you can conclude that anyone who says something like that is not a good judge of anything, and give their opinion all the credence it deserves, which is zero. I’m just sorry you had to hear that.

          In addition to the excellent comments above, I think it can be jarring if you imagine how you’ll feel and react to a situation and then it comes and you feel different to how you expected. That does not mean you are wrong though.

          Hugs to you if wanted.

        2. Amadeo*

          I agree with Ramona, it was not OK for those people to say that to you. This was a decision between you and your vet and they’ve got no business weighing in on a decision that is hard enough as it is. Second guessing you is not cool. Tell them to go take a long walk off a short cliff.

          I am the person Gingerblue has described. I am the one who says/thinks that ‘yeah, ultimately, I loved my cat/dog but I knew it wasn’t going to live as long as I would have liked’. I won’t blow thousands of dollars trying to prolong the life of a 12-13-14-15 year old dog or cat who is sick and not going to get better. I’m sure there are plenty who would think ill of me for not doing it, but I don’t see the sense in it. I knew it was coming, yes, I cried/am going to cry, but in the end I knew it wasn’t going to be with me forever.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          They are guessing, they do not know.
          It gives them comfort to think that they know. But that is a false comfort because they do not know.

          I have signed a couple DNRs and I have brought a few animals to be put down. We are making our best guess every time we do this.
          If you listen closely to the doctors they will tell you that they do not know themselves. When I brought my last dog to be put down the doctor said he was surprised the dog lasted as long as he did. He describe the dog as an “against all odds dog”. What ticked me off, was he never indicated he thought it was that bad earlier.
          When I signed my father’s DNR, I was loaded with conflict. Finally I decide it was not all about me. Sometimes love means knowing when to let go.

          I suspect your friends are comforting themselves by saying “I know better than OP.” They were not there. They did not see everything you saw. They don’t truly know.

          PS. When I signed the DNR, my father’s sibs said, “You are there. You see what is going on and we don’t. You will make the best decision possible.” And in that moment, I saw their love for both me and my father.
          My suggestion is that your friend could have decided to encourage you and support you. Instead they decided to second guess you. This says more about them than they really wanted you to know.

          1. Gaia*

            I do agree that it was enlightening to hear this from people that I thought were decent humans. They may be, but they are not those I’ll rely on in the future to help me through hard times.

            You are right when you say sometimes we just don’t know. That was actually a deciding factor for me. The vet just kept saying she didn’t know why pup was in so much pain. She didn’t know why the pain medication wasn’t working. She didn’t know if further tests would tell us what was causing the pain. All we knew was his liver was failing and he was in significant pain we couldn’t relieve or lessen. Yes, maybe we could have upped his pain meds and lessened the pain a bit but then would he have wanted to walk or play? Or would he have been so sedated he just slept all the time? And would the tests have even told us anything helpful or would I have extended his life another few weeks with no quality for a futile hope?

            I couldn’t risk that. I don’t regret that decision. I know if he could have understood what was happening and made a decision for himself, he’d have done the same. Hell, I’d want someone to do that for me. But I do miss him and I do wish there’d been a better option.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              One of my father’s nurses pointed this out to me:
              There is a difference between prolonging someone’s life and prolonging someone’s death.
              I am not sure where that line really is. I do know that there are some levels of suffering that a being cannot bounce back from. The body is so damaged that it is hopeless they will ever have any quality to their life.

              I was shocked to see my true self, I realized out of my own selfishness I wanted my father to live on. From his perspective he was done here and he felt he had done all he could do. Do I fully understand? no. But it’s not mine to judge HIS decision. Likewise with animals. If their days are sheer misery, then we have to start thinking on the UNselfish level.

              Let me say, that you have the maturity to have difficult conversations like this. Others do not. We don’t get to pick who does well with life and death convos and who does not. I told a dear family member my cat died and she slammed the phone down in my ear. In that moment she doubled by grief load. This is when I started thinking about what I say and who I say it to.

              It’s a process to figure out who is supportive and who can’t be supportive. So even if you start sorting that out now, you will still keep sorting it out in the future.
              I can tell you this. There are many wonderful people out there who are tremendously supportive. I’d like to encourage you to not give up and keep looking for those people.

      2. Temperance*

        Eh, I think you are pretty off-base. I lost a pet in January, and I still think about him daily and miss him. Our house is quieter and less full of love and fun without him here. His sister misses him, too.

        I find that the older generation treated their pets as almost accessories rather than family members, which is how we treat them in my house. I had a harder time losing them than I did losing some actual relatives on both sides.

        1. Gingerblue*

          Sorry; I was absolutely not trying to say that people don’t have that reaction or that it’s wrong to! I just feel like there’s a lot of pressure to pretend that that’s your reaction even if it’s not.

    7. nep*

      Grieve how you grieve. It’s all fine.
      Sorry for your loss. Good your dog’s not suffering anymore.

    8. Zathras*

      Everyone else has covered most of what I would have said, but I want to emphasize that tears are basically irrelevant. I know people who don’t cry much when they are actually grieving but sob inconsolably at mildly sad movies. Their grief is not less valid or real. And periods of feeling of calm/empty are also part of grief.

      I’m sorry about your dog.

  54. Update on he wants a baby*

    I’ve posted under this name a couple times, so I kept it, though there will be nothing about babies in this post. Things at home continue to be tough in general. I’m back on antidepressants and seeing a therapist, both of which have been good for me. I can usually keep things on an even keel at home as long as I provide lots of validation and positive feedback and don’t ask for anything. I’m not getting anything back, though. I mean, he’s nice enough (most of the time) and does his chores and stuff, but I feel like I’m doing all the work. He picks unnecessarily (“Here’s the cleaner you used last time you cleaned the sinks, if you did the sinks last time you did the bathroom.” What?) and needs to get the last word. I keep trying to keep it together, but when I went out to run errands this morning, I broke down into tears at the thought of going home. When he’s nice, it’s good, though, so I feel bad/wrong saying I want to leave.

    1. Update on he wants a baby*

      To keep the original from getting to long, I’m going to add a bit more here. We’ve been to couples counseling twice. The first time we were looking for better ways to communicate. We learned a (or maybe the) non-violent communication process, which we use sometimes, but he sometimes just starts in on it without the proper introduction and then gets mad at me when I don’t realize he’s started, so I don’t follow the script. The second time, shortly after I had to tell him my feelings about babies changed, we had a couple sessions and the therapist discharged us because everything was fine, over my objections.

      I don’t know if I can try a third time. I’ve talked about this with my therapist. She’s offered to work with both of us, but I’m not sure I want to give up having her all to myself. A long way of saying that couples therapy may not be the answer here (or maybe I need to give it a third try).

      1. paul*

        That doesn’t sound like a relationship to bring a child into. And very possibly not one that is worth staying in at all

      2. Reba*

        I’ve been following your updates a bit, though I haven’t commented before. You sound like you have a pretty clear-eyed view of what your relationship is like right now–lots of work for you, and little or no reward. Even the okay or good times are laced with dread of the bad times recurring. You don’t deserve this. Would you think a good friend should stay in a relationship like this one? You feel bad/guilty to think about prioritizing your needs equally with someone else’s? How much longer are you willing to do this for, if things don’t change: a year? Five years?

        As others have said, you do not need a “good enough reason” to leave (although clues seem to point to your partner will argue with you about your reasons and try to discredit them/your feelings). “I don’t want to be with someone who picks on me” is perfectly good. “I want to leave/I don’t want to go home, I am not happy” also works. I know it is not simple to rearrange one’s life and don’t mean to minimize the difficulty you face. But I and the other posters here are trying to reframe the situation to focus on what you need and want, not on how much effort you might owe to someone who is only occasionally kind to you.

        Also, I definitely think you should keep your therapist on Team You alone, if the sessions are helping! I’m glad to read that you are feeling a bit better. Good luck to you.

    2. AlaskaKT*

      Just because something is great when it’s good doesn’t mean the bad doesn’t matter. And crying at the thought of going home? That to me screams time to go.

      May I suggest checking out captainakward(.com)? She deals with a lot of hard break up questions and often has good scripts for these kinds of things. You can check the archives for something that works for you if you don’t want to write in.

      P.S. I’m sorry your going through this. Make sure to take care of yourself.

    3. neverjaunty*

      You do not have to put up with the bad parts just because there are also some good parts.

      There is nothing bad or wrong with leaving a relationship because it makes you unhappy.

      There is no rule that says you must try and fix a relationship/go to therapy/try harder before you are allowed to leave.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      It sounds like you are doing a lot of work in this relationship- you have to provide lots of validation and positive feedback?
      Then he should be doing the same.
      You can’t ask for anything?
      Well, then. Neither should he.
      The rules work both ways.

      It’s not just your responsibility to keep things on an even keel at home, it is also HIS. What does he do to keep things on an even keel?

      If you want to leave, then leave. You can work out the feelings of wrongness later.

      From what you have written here, this guy has emotionally disconnected from you.

    5. Gingerblue*

      Seconding the rec of Captain Awkward. I’m not a romantic-relationship-haver and so am hesitant to offer advice, but you deserve to wake up every single morning without having to wonder if it’s one of the days when the person to whom you’ve given the gift of sharing your single, precious life will decide you’re worth being NICE to or not.

    6. Observer*

      If you are crying at the thought of going back home something is VERY wrong. Either something significant changes – for which you need a couples counselor -who will NOT tell you that everything is OK when it isn’t! Or you get out.

      I get that you can’t expect everything to be perfect 100% of the time. But it’s also not right to expect someone to stick around because SOMETIMES it’s good. It needs to be mostly good. And NOT crying at the thought of going home.

    7. Thlayli*

      I’m really not seeing what you are getting out of this relationship. You don’t have to stay with him just coz you’ve been with him for a while.

    8. Hrovitnir*

      Oh no. I wasn’t particularly optimistic given the way you described the situation, but this sounds worse than I expected. If you want validation that it’s OK or you are right to be unhappy I’m giving it to you.

      Performing the bare minimum of being “nice” or polite that I expect from a stranger is not good enough. Complete with the picking at you I would say it’s below minimum for basic treating people with respect.

      You are crying at the idea of going home. You feel like you have to continuously praise him to prevent him treating you badly. He is going out of his way to make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells (hassling you about how you clean? Not knowing if he’s trying to use a script and being admonished for not being able to read his mind?)

      Relationships can have hard times, but they are meant to be mutually supportive. This sounds more like you being expected to grovel in exchange for basic politeness. You deserve someone who is kind to you, even if that person is you and your Team You at least for a little while.

      I’m not going to tell you you have to leave, but if you want to leave, you don’t need an airtight case and “I’m incredibly unhappy and he uses our therapy as a way to keep me on my toes rather than improve communication” is a pretty bloody good argument. If I knew you in real life I’d like to make you the hot drink of your choice and let you vent or distract you or whatever would make you feel better. :(

    9. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

      I used to fantasize about catching my ex cheating on me, so that I’d have a “reason” to break up with him. It took me another 2 years to leave. I still regret staying with him for so long, 8 years later.
      You don’t sound happy and this relationship doesn’t sound healthy. Please think about whether it’s time to cut your losses.

    10. Gaia*

      Okay, I need to say this: even if he has nice moments and those moments are good that doesn’t mean this is a good relationship and that doesn’t mean you are obligated to stay or a bad person to want to leave. Hell, even if all he ever had were nice moments and those moments were great you still are not obligated to stay and you still are not a bad person to want to leave.

      But honestly? He sounds needy and manipulative and not giving. It shouldn’t matter that occasionally he can muster some good – he sounds like a bad fit for you. That doesn’t make him a bad person (I don’t know him so I cannot say) it makes him a bad fit for you. You need to find a good fit for you whether or not that is part of a relationship. You are not responsible for his choices and he is a grown up that can and will handle himself. You take care of you.

  55. AnonHere*

    I have been picked on pretty much my whole life. I’ve heard most of my life that I am “too quiet”, so I am guessing that is the reason why I am getting teased. Some of it comes from my friends and more recently in my professional life. (I had to deal with men putting me down at work quite a bit.) I also have a more turned down face and people are always telling me to “smile”.

    I’m sick of being a doormat- how can I be more assertive?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Is therapy an option? That can be a helpful way of working through some of this stuff.

    2. Thlayli*

      There are absolutely tons of sources of “how to be assertive” online if you google it so if that is all you are looking for them just google it.

      I say this with sympathy though – I suspect you might be looking for something other than that here? Sympathy? Empathy? Consolation?

      You could practise being assertive here – try being direct and saying what you actually need or want instead of talking around the point. And feel free to tell me if I’m hurting your feelings – that’s good assertiveness practise too.

      Good luck.

    3. Hrovitnir*

      As the others have said, there are some great resources online. As someone who is excruciatingly anxious but convinces people around me I’m not fairly well, I think finding a way of holding yourself and communicating that you are comfortable with and forcing yourself to do it is pretty effective.

      Since I am struggling at getting past the “fake it till you make it” stage, I’m personally thinking that a combination of figuring out what manner of confidence you can perform (which is where online resources can help a lot) and having someone (therapist ideally, potentially friend if they’re OK with it) to check in with on progress could help.

      What’s a little weird but sometimes helps me is to imagine myself as an incredibly arrogant character like Lucius Malfoy. It helps me walk with my back straight and my eyes up better than visualisations about your head being pulled upward by a string (though that is also remarkably helpful).

      And I have to say, feel free to not try and change your resting face. You don’t have to walk around looking receptive and happy all the time.

    4. Sorgatani*

      Your backstory sounds like mine.
      I would not describe my past self as “shy” so much as “reserved” – it could take a few encounters for me to warm up enough to talk to a person, and most people thought I was quiet.
      The “smile” thing gets old, and while you do have the option of doing the “unsmile” (look it up on TVTropes – the mouth turns up but the eyes don’t follow suit, so you end up looking creepy), I used to ‘wax on, wax off’ a smile – wipe hand over mouth to ‘sweep’ the smile on then off again, with a raised eyebrow if I felt theatrical.
      I identified a lot with Daria Morgendorffer when I was in high school.

      Assertiveness is difficult. I googled it to see if there was any good wording, and this site came up:
      https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/tentips/10-tips-for-being-assertive

      If I were dealing with people putting me down on a regular basis, I’d probably retreat into my shell too.
      I’ve gotten a little more assertive in the last few years because I wanted to share my enjoyment of things, both mundane and fantastic. (For example, I just got a fidget cube. It’s even cooler than I thought it would be. So I show people, and hand it to them so they can have a go.)
      But you don’t have to show off YOUR fidget cube, you could be the one to ask “Is that a fidget cube?! Where’d you get it?”
      There’s also Local Sports Team, and Weather, and Commute… small talk is a start.

    5. Zathras*

      I forget where I read this – maybe here? – but I came across a goofy suggestion that you should respond to random commands to smile with another random command. Like, when they say “Smile!” you should say “Sit!” as if to a dog. I wouldn’t recommend actually trying it with anyone but a friend, and I’ve never actually had the nerve to do it, but the idea of it makes me laugh.

    6. LCL*

      You can be quiet, if that’s your nature and it makes you feel most like yourself. But to be left alone, you are going to have to speak more directly sometimes. You don’t need to be snarky, you can be very serious in your responses. Start by answering people directly when they say something stupid. Someone says you’re too quiet, ask them why they care or why it is their business. Or ask them what they think you should be saying. someone tells you to smile, ask them why would you say that. Or what does smiling have to do with this conversation.

      It might help you to carry a mental picture of your favorite DGAF movie badass. I look to Tim Curry as Frankenfurter and Bruce Willis in the first Die Hard and Alan Rickman in Robin Hood when I need to channel that mental strength. It’s not the physical actions, it’s the I do what I want so don’t try me attitude I am trying to muster.

    7. Sam Foster*

      I’d suggest three tracks:
      1) Therapy to help with coping mechanisms. Being bullied takes it toll and it chips away at one’s sense of self
      2) The assertiveness resources noted elsewhere
      3) Some public speaking or even improv classes. Frankly, a lot of social interaction is putting on airs, for lack of a better word. As one who suffers from “resting asshole face” (https://youtu.be/3v98CPXNiSk), learning various techniques to adjust my body language, etc. more towards the societal norm has helped me.

      Also, I like sarcasm, two personal favorites:
      1) “It takes 37 muscles to frown. And 22 muscles to smile. Not sure why you want to interrupt my workout”
      2) When someone comments on my appearance, especially a new acquaintance: “oh, gosh, I’m sorry that my personal appearance offends you.” Some danger to this one but it sure changes the power dynamic

    8. Yetanotherjennifer*

      What about some sort of martial arts training? I think it would help you learn to stand and move with confidence and be able to be more assertive.

    9. Panda Bandit*

      You probably shouldn’t use this on everyone, but for someone telling you to smile, you can prop up the corners of your mouth with both middle fingers.

  56. paul*

    I’m in a hotel, it is midnight local time, and there is a huge formal party rocking in the lobby. I just had an elevator ride up 25 stories with a man wearing what looked like a custom cut tuxedo who was so drunk he fell down when the elevator started moving. His wife (I think) was a bit better off but insisted on taking off her shoes and using their heels to push the elevator buttons. I just wanted a nice quiet lobby where I could listen to my music while my wife slept…

    1. Gingerblue*

      I don’t even know why, but the image of someone pushing the buttons with her heels is leaving me giggling uncontrollably. Total sympathy, but it’s at least a great story.

  57. Seren*

    Underwear lines. I was wearing a gray pencil skirt the other day with normal cotton underwear, tights, shorts, and a slip for crying out loud, and the lines were STILL THERE. I’m planning on looking for some seamless underwear in stores tomorrow because I need this skirt in oarticular next week, but I don’t know if I should start at VS or Macy’s or something, or if I can go somewhere less expensive like target. Any recommendations?

    2. Gingerblue*

      Target did have some seamless options a while back; I just got rid of my last pair of them. It was Target, so it was a totally random selection of cuts/patterns, though, and I’ve no idea if it’s still carried.

      Failing Target, I’ve seen but never bought Calvin Klein seamless underwear. It’s pricey but reliably stocked at Macy’s and I’ve seen other people recommend it.

    3. Whats In A Name*

      If your are willing to pay VS prices, I’d actually suggest SOMA’s Vanishing Edge. They ares something like $16/each or Buy 3, get 2 free. They don’t move. At all. They suction cup to your booty and your body heat holds them in place. They are purely amazing and when washed properly last a long time.

      1. Trying to Transition*

        +10
        I LOVE Soma. I started wearing SOMA in college when I worked at White House Black Market (they are owned by the same company, great discounts). Vanishing edge are amazing. And I will never go back to another brand

    4. Melody Pond*

      I don’t know if this will work for you, but I swear by boyshort “scrundies” made by various individual shops on Etsy.

      Just go into Etsy and search for “scrundies” and in particular I’d recommend the boyshort style. Lots of full coverage, NO elastic!! and because they go down to the “gluteal fold” (my PTA sister says this is the correct term), any potential lines are not very visible. I wore mine with fairly thin leggings and I felt pretty confident. And I have a very low tolerance for panty lines.

      Plus… they are the most comfortable thing in the world. Like, I imagine they are similar to what most boy’s underwear feels like, to wear. Just made for comfort and function.

        1. nep*

          Yeah — I don’t really like thongs, but I wear them when wearing regular panties would show a line — can’t stand having a panty line.
          Might try these scrundies — but then wouldn’t there be a bit of a line at high thigh?

        2. Elizabeth West*

          I don’t like them either. But you’re not supposed to wear underpants under a skating dress and I hated going commando in those just in case of wardrobe malfunctions, so I always wore a flesh-colored thong. Nobody could tell.

      2. Seren*

        To tell you the truth, I did end up going commando in this case, but still had on my tights, shorts and slip… to me that seems much less commando. I didn’t have time to run to the store.

        2. The Other Dawn*

          Anytime I wear a skirt or dress, I don’t wear underwear. But I do wear pantyhose. During a visit to my OB-GYN many years ago–when I was just starting out in the working world–she told me that there’s no need for underwear when you’re wearing pantyhose or tights. (She could tell I’d been itchy recently.) It allows the downtown to breathe and helps to prevent fungal-related itching. Keeps you a little fresher, too. Once I took her advice and stopped wearing underwear with pantyhose, my itchiness problems went away; I swear by it.

          1. Iain "Get off my lawn!" Clarke*

            You’ve now ruined Petula Clark’s hit for me, with your excellent euphemism.

            “When you’re alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go…. Downtown!”

            It’s a whole new song!

          2. Nervous Accountant*

            Whattttt?!?!!! I may try that, although the thought of it makes me feel icky, but I may try that.

            Although I have to admit, I’ve never understood why VPL (Visible panty lines) were such a big deal? but I dont’ wear slinky, silky stuff so, I’m curious.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I think it was in the 70s? A product made a big deal about panty lines, I think the product was some brand of nylons. The ad showed a woman’s butt with and without Product.

              The over all tone of the ad was “how can you be so stupid as to allow panty lines to occur?” No one had thought about it before the commercial. My thought was “you shouldn’t be looking at my butt long enough to notice panty lines.” But what do I know.

              I won’t even start on all the sexism going on there. Anyway, this has become embedded in society now. We must worry about panty lines along with everything else.

    6. Hana*

      Have you tried Uniqlo’s ultra seamless underwear? I love them so much – they’re pretty much all I wear for underwear now.

    7. Candy*

      Urban Outfitters’ Microfiber High-Waist Briefs are seamless and pretty cheap ($8/ea when I stocked up, but that was a couple years ago)

    8. Jules the First*

      Lululemon’s underwear line is brilliant for avoiding vpl…and it’s like wearing cotton because it’s designed for working out it (so works for those of us who must avoid non-cotton underwear). It’s like $22 a pair, but worth it (make sure you put them in a lingerie bag to wash, tho, as your washing machine will eat them in the drain cycle….)

    9. Raia*

      Thanks for all the suggestions! I went with Maidenform microfiber boyshorts from Target and they seem to be seamless for now! They were a pack of 3 for 15.99. I just went cheap and figured I’d go more expensive from there, and if I had more time I’d have got the uniqlo ones… My whole wardrobe is uniqlo. Love them.

  58. Definitely Anon For This*

    So this might seem a really weird topic but I’ve been thinking of writing erotica novels to publish on Amazon. I’ve read a few articles on how people make a living off of it. I don’t expect to ever get to that point but I’ve always enjoyed writing that kind of thing, starting with fanfiction.

    I’ve always wanted to be a published writer, though I certainly wouldn’t put this on my resume. I don’t know, I think it would be fun to write something, put it out there, and see if anyone buys it. My friends and I would laugh in college of all the bizarre kinks (one of the oddest that comes to mind was that we were amazed to find Amish erotica, but then even more astonished to find a sub-kink of Amish girls getting intimate with the farm animals) but if you look, there are indeed reviews for people who buy even the oddest things.

    I don’t foresee this as something I would ever tell my friends or family that I’m doing but I think I might go for it. Write something up in my spare time, upload to Amazon, and see what happens.

    1. Gingerblue*

      That’s awesome! I’ve recently started publishing knitting patterns, and it’s an amazing thrill to see something you thought of existing as a real thing out in the world for people to find and like. And it sounds thrilling to have a secret career your family doesn’t know about.

      I’m not much of an erotica reader, but what fandoms, if you don’t mind saying?

      1. Definitely Anon For This*

        Embarrassingly, what’s inspired me the most is the Disney kink meme… it covers a very wide selection of characters, plots, and kinks so it’s been very influential. Plus it’s got a big following so at least I’m not the only one who enjoys doing terrible things with my childhood nostalgia.

        Beauty and the Beast has been particularly popular since the remake came out…

    2. Former Band Geek*

      Go for it! This is my secret fantasy- though I would probably stink at it. I’ve written a few things, but am too afraid to share/publish them.

      1. Definitely Anon For This*

        Well, if we want to get really TMI (WARNING AHEAD WARNING AHEAD) I don’t actually have any real world, hands on experience to back up me writing erotica, if you know what I mean. But the fan fics I’ve put out into the world get good praise (from my most recent posting, “Um, wow…is it hot in here, I’m feeling a bit flushed… Your writing is wonderful, great spot-on characterizations, and the sexitimes simply could not be sexier!”) and from what I’ve browsed online and even flipped through in a bookstore, I feel pretty good about my writing skills. Quality does not seem to be in high demand so much as quantity. Heck, look at 50 Shades of Grey for that proof!

        The nice thing is that you can publish under a pen name. So really I don’t think anyone would know I was doing this, aside from my accountant helping me with taxes if I make money off of it (which would be awkward because she’s a friend of my mother’s but I think I could swear her to secrecy). If I go for it, you should too! Nothing to lose by putting it out there, and you might make a few bucks for your time.

        1. Workaholic*

          NaNoWriMo. If you don’t start between now and then: November is national novel writing month and there’s a fun challenge organization.

          1. Definitely Anon For This*

            My friends got me to try NaNoWriMo when we were in college but I could never commit to it because of my workload from classes. But that might be good motivation to writing up a few stories to put out there as a test run.

    3. Melody Pond*

      I think this is awesome! It’s not something I’d ever be able to do myself (I lack both the talent and the interest in working at it), but it’s entirely possible I could fall into the demographic of people who would be interested in some of the random, strange sub-genres you’ve mentioned. I can see the potential appeal, anyway, and therefore I think you’re right that there’s probably a market for it.

      I say go for it! :)

    4. Hrovitnir*

      Huh, that’s interesting. I haven’t written for a long time, but I used to a lot and the last time I was writing regularly it was entirely erotica (not fanfic). Only short stories though. I might have to check it out. :D

      Good luck with giving it a go! That’s very brave.

      1. Definitely Anon For This*

        One article I read said that Amazon writers have switched to longer stories because now they’re getting paid by how many pages people read so it’s better to hook someone on a longer story. But I do see a lot of short form erotica stories there too. I’d probably start with a few short things to see if it’s something I enjoy and if I get any bites, and then move onto something long term (was writing down some ideas last night which was what drew me to mention it here on the weekend thread since I wanted to say my thoughts of it to someone). But if you want to do short stories, they’re out there too!

        Thanks for the thoughts!

    5. Temperance*

      A friend of mine actually does this, and it’s a pretty nice income stream for her. I’m not going to link her stuff because of the doxxy nature of it all, but her advice is that you need to go weird. Regular erotica isn’t going to sell, but cars, Bigfoot, and dinosaur stuff all sell.

      I’m not sure if you’re familiar, but Dr. Chuck Tingle is wildly successful, and he writes really strange gay erotica.

      1. Definitely Anon For This*

        Then writing fanfiction has definitely prepared me because most of what I’ve written would fall into those weird kinks. I’ve actually gotten ‘hate’ comments for writing things that are not strictly human, because I’m a big fan of ‘beauty and the beast’ style pairings. Thanks for your friend’s advice! If she has any others for someone interested in giving it a shot, or knows where one could go online to talk more about this (since it’s not something I want to share with my friends and family), any guidance would be helpful and appreciated.
        My friends and I have laughed over the Tingle titles but I’m impressed with how successful he seems to be. I wouldn’t say no to getting popular for writing hilariously bad erotica.

    6. RL*

      You could put some stories on literotica.com and see what kind of feedback you get there before trying to sell anything.

  59. The gift of time*

    Say you had a week off and you weren’t traveling anywhere. What sorts of things would be on your bucket list to keep yourself entertained/reasonably busy?

    (If it’s useful, I have no kids, SO, or car.)

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      I like to visit restaurants that are usually too crowded on weekends. You could also just go to the movies. It’s so fun to sit in a theater that’s almost empty and no kids around. Are there any towns nearby that have good shopping? I love a nice day of walking around and checking out little shops during non-busy hours.

      1. Workaholic*

        Play “tourist in my own city”. Explore museums, go to the theatre, parks, cultural centers, any tourist attractions. Hit a few restaurants you’ve always heard of but never quite got around to. Take lots of photos. When real tourists ask where you’re from they may get confused – but when i did this they decided they would do the same when they got back home.
        Also – i have so many hobbies to entertain myself with.

        1. Anonymous for this*

          I do this and I love it. You might consider going to movies (discount afternoon matinee).

    2. Kate in Scotland*

      Binge-read, cook complicated things that I normally wouldn’t bother with, catch up with friends who work different schedules. I would also try to catch some free art talks or cheap daytime music/theatre – I discovered when I wasn’t working that there’s a surprising amount locally (mostly full of retired people). Very much depends where you live though.

    3. Oh Fed*

      When I have the gift of time, I will usually 1) complete some undone project —paint a door, organize a room or closet 2) give that time to someone who is either lonely or needs something done 3) indulge–hours reading, a movie alone, etc

    4. Nervously Waiting*

      I love, love, love house projects and organizing and my house is a little too cluttered, so I would binge watch Downton Abbey and clean out every drawer, closet, and storage area. Then maybe paint a wall or do some new curtains or pillows. I’m not very adventurous, but I am tidy!

    5. nep*

      Read — a lot.
      Play instruments more.
      Clean out closets, create space.
      Take my time with workouts and yoga/stretching every day.
      This is my idea of a really good time.

    6. Natalie*

      So much gardening. I do a little but every day it’s not raining and barely keep on top of it. I’d love to get ahead of the weeds.

    7. Quaggaquagga*

      Go for a swim, take a daytime yoga or dance class.
      Try a float pod/floatation tank.
      Do those errands that you never seem to have time for when you’re working.
      Go to the library and read a bunch of comics/graphic novels for free!
      Take walks in nice neighbourhoods or park areas.
      Do some baking and try some new recipes.
      Go to a fancy food court and treat myself.
      Go to Sephora and sample all the things.

    8. The gift of time*

      Thanks, everyone! Lots of good ideas here. Can’t wait to try them all out!

  60. Former Band Geek*

    I’m probably going to sound naive here, but I don’t have much experience in this area, so apologies ahead of time. For people who are dating/married to more technical (ie: “nerdy”) people, did you have to be the more social one?

    There’s a guy that I like and he is into computers- he’s talked to me a few times, but he seems to stumble over his words and now he literally runs away when he sees me. But then he’ll come back and try to talk to me when I see him. It’s very confusing. I don’t know what to do to put him at ease.

    I’ve never met a guy like him before- I’m usually the quiet, awkward one so this is just a different experience for me. I’m also not that technical, so I don’t know if we would have much in common.

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      I tend to attract nerd types. I’m extroverted and fairly socially fluent but I could also tell you everything that ever happened on the X-Files. I’ve found that I can’t be in a relationship with someone that I had to walk through the basics of adulthood. A relationship should enrich your life. It should be enjoyable. That won’t happen if your private life is so closely connected to someone who needs to constantly be babysat in social situations.

      1. katamia*

        I’ve struggled a lot with this, too. I have a lot of stereotypically nerdy/geeky interests and I really want someone who shares my interests, but a lot of the guys I’ve dated have been too socially awkward for me. I don’t need someone super smooth or charismatic, but I need someone who I can have a conversation with without it feeling like pulling teeth. I’m not always that social myself (I can fake it okay and am not particularly awkward, but I don’t enjoy it most of the time), and I think in the end I need to be the less-social partner in a relationship.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          I mean, I’m not saying that I wouldn’t befriend someone who had social difficulties, but I need my primary source of human interaction to be with someone who’s a bit more normative and I’m not interested in being anyone’s first long-term romantic and sexual relationship. I don’t have it in me to dig through someone else’s baggage or to have my life be used as a platform for someone else’s learning experiences that really should have been hammered out 10 years ago. Plus it’s not like guys in my past ever sucked it up and “gave me a chance” so I resent the social pressures that tell me to give guys chances when I don’t want to.

          It’s hard if you’re a talker because no one can ever talk to me about the book I just read but I can always find some nerd who will talk to me about Game of Thrones book vs show. As much as it sucks I’ve had to stop showing the nerdier side of myself to people. There’s also the fact that guys who are into stuff like, say, Watchmen (that Comedian character…eeek) but haven’t had those ideas softened by regular interactions with real human women aren’t the best dating pool, no matter now much they self-identify as being smart. Hello, Gamergate.

          1. katamia*

            Plus it’s not like guys in my past ever sucked it up and “gave me a chance” so I resent the social pressures that tell me to give guys chances when I don’t want to.

            this this this thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis

            It’s so weird because I have a lot of nerdy male friends whose social skills are fine to good so it’s not even an “all nerdy guys have horrible social skills” thing. It’s only when I’ve tried dating nerdy guys. Which is not to say I’ll never date a nerdy guy again because I would, but I don’t get why there seems to be such a big difference between my experiences of befriending vs dating them.

            1. katamia*

              Although now I’m wondering how much of it is the pressure of dating and whether my nerdy male friends are awkward on first dates, since, being pretty antisocial myself, I’m not sure if I really know how they act on first/second dates. I’ll have to think on this/pay closer attention the next time one starts dating someone new.

              1. Stellaaaaa*

                Last year I went out with a guy who was pretty great looking but had way too many problems from word one. You could tell that his taciturn personality and nerdy interests (he worked as a programmer) served him just fine in friendships and at work, but it was a struggle to get through that date. I found myself “performing” in a way that brought out personality traits I’ve worked hard to drop. There was no dating fluency. There was no chemistry between us and certainly no sexual attraction.

                Don’t make yourself feel pressured to date if you’re not into it. Unless you’re abstinent or have your own reasons for waiting until marriage, pressure to date someone you don’t like is basically pressure to sleep with someone that you’re not interested in consenting to, and it’s maddening that people don’t understand that.

                1. katamia*

                  Yeah, I’m not a bubbly person by nature, but I’ve found myself getting really bubbly (unpleasantly IMO) on some of these dates because the second they got out of their comfort zone of topics (which, despite us both being nerdy, didn’t match up exactly with mine) they just totally shut down, and it was totally up to me to keep the conversation going. Some people probably wouldn’t mind having to do most of the conversational work, but I couldn’t deal with that in a long-term relationship.

                  I don’t feel pressured to date except internally (in the sense that right now I feel like it’s something I want to spend more time and energy on). I was wondering whether my nerdy friends, whose social skills I think are decent, would come off like the nerdy guys I’ve dated if I’d met them in a dating situation rather than a friend situation. I’m not sure where this thought is headed, but it’s definitely something that I think I want to ponder for a bit.

                2. Stellaaaaa*

                  Hmmm, I couldn’t answer your question for you except to float my observation that there’s a high correlation between men who self-select into nerd-dom and men who have no clue how to generate the vibe that I need in a romantic relationship. The guy I mentioned before is the only person I’ve ever ghosted because he had no idea the date had gone badly. He started texting me assuming that we were already dating and when I didn’t answer the texts turned abusive. It was too bizarre and left-field for me to know how to respond to it and I didn’t want to let him think he could still communicate with me. That experience didn’t endear me to that particular category of men and I don’t have the time or energy to waste by giving them another try. I’ve had lots of problems in the past with guys focusing on the “deeper” aspects of my personality (because it reflected their own arrogant views of themselves) but resenting that I wanted to go out dancing or have brunch on Sundays. My casual social circle is large enough that I can find a party or an art event 4 times a week if I wanted to, and I often do. These Comic Con guys want me to talk smart with them but they don’t want to come to basement punk shows with me and they end up getting controlling.

    2. copy run start*

      Well, if he’s literally only into computers… run. Unless you are dying to know about the differences between double-sided and single-sided RAM. But he probably has other interests too. I dated a guy who was a programmer and coded things in his spare time, was into games and stuff too, but he also liked to bake and was teaching himself how to play an instrument. I could absolutely spend all day explaining how the internet works, but I’d also like to go for a hike or to a concert or draw a picture.

      Based on his behavior it does sound like you’ll have to take the initiative. Go for it! The worst thing that could happen is that you won’t be together… which is exactly the position you’re in now.

    3. misspiggy*

      Have you tried doing something together where talking is mainly a means to a practical end? I’m thinking fixing something, making something, investigating/exploring something. Doesn’t have to be techie, could be a lot of different things. That would be a way to find out whether you two can interact comfortably.

      You’ll probably have to ask him outright to set something like that up, but that in itself doesn’t have to be a problem. You might find out that he’s very different when he’s not stressing about social interaction stuff.

    4. Channel Z*

      The fact that he comes back to chat even after he ran away could be an indicator he likes you too, and he was running away because of nervousness stemming from his attraction to you, not General social awkwardness. If he ran away because he didn’t like you, he would continue to avoid you, not come back. Here is my crazy thought: have a listen to Pointer Sisters “He’s So Shy.” Now imagine playing a pep band arrangement of the song. If anything, it will make you smile and put you at ease, which hopefully will have a reciprocal effect.

      To answer the question about taking the lead socially, yes I have to do this with my husband, and sometimes I find it taxing as an introverted chem geek. What he doesn’t understand is that I need social interaction with other people someyimes, whereas he is content to stay home or go out cycling by himself. But he has many good qualities, and is quite sensitive to others emotions and is supportive. I don’t thimk i would like being married to a social butterfly.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I married a super-geek. He was the social one.
      Not helpful, I am sorry.

      I think if you want to help this guy, pretend not to notice his awkwardness. Just relax and be you.

    6. Temperance*

      I exclusively date nerds. I am nerdy, too, but appropriate in social settings, so I’m not going to start chatting up about Star Trek with someone, for instance.

      This guy sounds really strange. I’ve dated some super nerds, but that guy sounds like a project. I would look elsewhere, but that’s just me.

    7. Jessesgirl72*

      In college and into my mid-20’s, I was like the starter girlfriend (or girl friend) for several really shy tech geeks.

      Some basics (not universal, but probably apply):

      You don’t have to know what he knows. If you have an interest in learning, he’ll be more than glad to teach you. Sometimes this works, and sometimes the guy isn’t the best explainer, and you need your own starter geek with better teaching skills to get you to the level where you can follow the basics. And if there is something geeky that you’re really into, most of that type will appreciate that and be willing to join in.

      You are probably going to have better luck communicating via text or email until you get to know each other better.

      You need to definitely give him some sign if you’re interested. Not subtle signs either (my geek husband now kicks himself that he missed that his college female friend was into him, when she’d invite him over to watch horror movies with him, and cuddle in bed with him. Srsly. LOL)

      It definitely sounds like he’s into you, and just has no clue (ZERO) where to go from there. So if you think you might be interested, ask him to a movie or do some asking of what he does with his time- if he is in a gaming group or something, ask if you can tag along,

    8. Sam Foster*

      That’s not nerdy. I’ve been a nerd my entire life including building my own electronics, etc. and sure I get tongue-tied around attractive people, who doesn’t, but, to be that lacking in social skills is not nerdy, it’s failing at the social graces. He may have very good reasons for those failings but there are groups, classes, online resources, etc. to help improve so unless he has a medical condition that prevents that I say stop investing in a relationship that you aren’t getting enough out of.

    2. Channel Z*

      Did you use bought wafers with homemade caramel, or did you make the wafels too? gotta have a strong cuppa for dunking. Mmmmm

    3. Marzipan*

      All-the-way made them. You do need a thin waffle iron (I used one that’s meant for krumkake, so they’re also really pretty) but I have seen a recipe where someone made them just on a flat griddle with something pressing them down.

      I will say it’s a bit of a performance, though. And I pretty much took the surface off my fingertips with all the heat (so if anyone needs any crimes committing in the next few days, I’m your girl!).

      I just found the recipe online, although I swapped the suggested treacle for golden syrup (and it came out like normal stroopwafels – treacle would have been way hardcore). (There were US recipe versions with ingredients that would make sense there, too.) I’d tone the cinnamon down slightly if I made them again, bit otherwise they taste exactly like you’d expect!

  62. Lady Kelvin*

    To;dr: how do you navigate social interactions when you don’t know the social norms.

    So my parents are solidly lower middle class. We did ok, but there was no health insurance no traveling, no extra money growing up. We qualified for free lunches and usually qualified for some kind of Medicaid. Both my parents own successful businesses but they live in a depressed area so income was never high. Now I work in a field where the majority of people are upper middle class and higher. I feel totally out of place even though our income places us there as well, but there are so many experiences I have not had that my peers take for granted. For example tomorrow a coworker is taking us out to snorkel on the reef in his boat because I mentioned in passing I’ve never seen a coral reef. And I mentioned to my husband that I’m nervous because I don’t know what is expected of me socially because I’ve never been out on a pleasure boat before. He thinks I’m being silly but he grew up in a well off family so this is normal for him. I guess my question, if I have a question, is I feel it is glaringly obvious that I don’t belong in the sphere I am in because I have no idea what to do. Is it obvious when you are with someone who didn’t grow up in the same social level as everyone else? I generally pretend like I know what I am doing and hope no one notices but I’m never comfortable. Does it ever get easier or will I always feel so inferior?

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      There may be some social norms the richies have in common, but there’s also diversity in what their social norms are (not just one norm), so a lot of what you attribute to social class may be social class… or it may also just be social groups. Some richies, for example, haven’t seen a coral reef or gone snorkeling.

      One thing you can take advantage of is the social norm among richies to not want to be considered rich or spoiled. They all think of themselves as “normal” or “upper middle class” instead of rich, even if they’re billionaires. Just remember—as awkward and uncomfortable as you are, they are, too… or can be if you’re honest about who you are.

    3. Wrench Turner*

      I have been in your shoes a few times with trust fund babies. Just enjoy the experience for what it is, doing something new with cool people.

      My only caution is to make sure you stay within your budget – if they want to buy or go do a thing and you can’t afford it, speak up. “Hey that looks like fun but is out of my budget. What else you got?”

    4. Stella*

      I’m on the other side of this, that I grew up ‘better off’ than most of my friends. The only time it gets weird is when my friends are talking about paying off their college loans and I have nothing to add to that because my parents paid for my college.

      Don’t know if this reassurance is helpful at all but I don’t look down on or get weird about people who have different life experiences from me. Everyone has different experiences for a variety of different reasons. And yeah if you’re lucky enough to have coworkers who want to share with you, I say go for it! I was abroad for a semester in college and my family wanted someone to come visit me. My parents are divorced on good terms with my father making a fair amount more money than my mother. My father could afford to visit me abroad but he couldn’t for health reasons, while my mother couldn’t visit me for financial reasons. So my father ended up paying for the majority of my mother’s bill so she could come visit me. I even asked her if it was weird to accept a gift like that from her ex-husband and she said definitely not because she would not have been able to go abroad otherwise. Point being if you have friends and coworkers who wants to help you with those experiences, don’t feel bad about it. They’re offering of their own free will and you should take full advantage.

    5. Temperance*

      Oh I can really, really relate to this. I grew up lower-class. My family is very blue collar, and I work as an attorney. Our income is in the six figures. My husband’s family was middle-class, and they went on vacations and things like that, but nothing compared to our current peers.

      I don’t ever try to draw attention to the fact that I grew up in a trailer park. I have a lower-class first name, but it’s uncommon enough here that I don’t think it matters a ton.

    6. Whats In A Name*

      It sounds like we had a similar upbringing – no cable, no health insurance, no vacations, for 2 years we actually lived in the storeroom of the business my dad owned but held onto way too long and it was also in a depressed area. I am not going to lie, I struggled A LOT when I first left town. No one ever guessed my background, seemed to notice anything “off” and I did get more comfortable as time went on!

      I have a good job now, live about 1,000 miles from where I grew up and just don’t bring up my history often with people. My partner knows we grew up without much but he doesn’t even know we lived in the storeroom. My parents still struggle and my 16 year old sister works 2 jobs in addition to high school but they are doing better and my dad is working a real job and they were able to get health insurance.

      1. Whats In A Name*

        I saw *I* struggled a lot specifically because I think I was focusing on it because I KNEW where no one else really noticed anything. I am not downplaying your emotions – I get it 100%…just want you to know it can get better! And you are probably worried about it more than anyone else.

    7. TL -*

      I grew up lower middle class, then up into middle class and went to a college where everyone self-identified as upper middle class because they had money, but not, like real money, their dad only owned a small Fortune 100 company or they only traveled extensively because they had so many frequent flyer miles or their house was nice, sure, but not that nice, their neighbor’s place was so much more expensive… (except the one kid who was like, “Oh, yeah, my family is private jet rich. It’s nice.” I really liked him, actually, and that was a big part of it.)

      Honestly, everyone just assumed I had the same background as every other person at my school and that assumption continues until today – I’m white, and I think that helps a lot. When people get too dumb with their assumptions, I tend to say something quietly – either something generic like, “Not everyone grows up that lucky,” or something specific, like, “I grew up in a town of less than 1000 people. Nobody had money, and those kinds of opportunities didn’t exist.” Otherwise, I just cheerfully admit to whatever is different about me – Nope, I’ve never been to Europe! My family didn’t have money for vacations when I was young. Nope, I didn’t have that kind of pressure in high school – my school was tiny and rural and not competitive. I’ve never gotten any pushback around it.

  63. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

    It can get better. I come from similar circumstances (poor growing up and as an early adult, married someone who was always comfortably well off), worked among the ultra rich for a while. I felt terribly inferior, plus young, but learned some valuable lessons from it.
    The fact that your coworker’s response to your lack of this experience was to invite you to share that experience, instead of mocking you for example, is a good sign.
    People who are wealthier take it for granted that they are equal. Those of us who didn’t tend to see the stark contrasts in our economic status. But just because we see it doesn’t mean we should stay poor in our minds. We can get past that to understand that our past is behind us and unchanging, and most importantly, nothing to be ashamed of. Our present and future are within our control and that’s where we can learn to be outstanding professionals and good people and get away from the feeling that our value as people is diminished if we haven’t got the first clue about formal dining. I sure didn’t know how to handle it when a waiter put a napkin on my lap for me – I just barely restrained myself from slapping his arm for invading my personal space without permission! Now *that* would have been embarrassing!
    There have been a few mortifying moments when I misinterpreted social cues because I wasn’t accustomed to them but I survived them. It wasn’t the end of the world, just felt like it at the time. But it does get better if you work at not letting yourself be defined by your financial status, past or present, real or perceived, by yourself or by anyone else. Your net worth is not your true worth.

    I hope you have a fabulous time tomorrow (today, now!).

  64. Channel Z*

    I recently joined a book club on the same night as another woman, Betsy. On this first night, I immediately disliked her, which is not normal for me. She obsessively talked about her children, one of whom has autism, and generally seemed to reveal TMI for someone who was brand new to a group. She hijacked the discussion several times, and when she interrupted me to make her point, I felt she was trying to one-up me. Had I thought she was an established group member I probably would not have returned.

    At our last meeting, another group member, Rochelle, was asked about the scientific research she does, which is related to probiotics and health outcomes, including autism. Betsy became defensive, listing all the things she did right, but she still had a child with autism. Betsy’s reaction was OTT, with a bitter and aggressive tone, not warranted by the situation as Rochelle was describing research, not directing anything at Betsy, suggesting “cures” or assigning blame in any way.

    I met some of the group members outside of book club, and they told me they were not inviting Betsy back. They are sympathetic that she is struggling, but they said they didn’t want to be used as therapy. But they are handling this by removing her name from the email list and not making any contact, and pretending the book club no longer exists if they see her. They know it isn’t nice, but telling her directly she isn’t welcome seems worse. Does any one have any suggestions how to handle this, there must be a better way? One of the members has already suggested an autism support group to Betsy in conversation. If I saw Betsy, I probably would lie too, rather than telling the truth, which is: You rudely interrupt and and turn conversations to focus on your own problems and as a result I don’t want to talk with you. There also is my thought that maybe she wasn’t always like this and isn’t aware how she comes across, if there was a way to gently tell her.

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      My approach for people like Betsy is to avoid initiating the conversation but to answer honestly if they reach out to me. If you run into her and she asks why she’s not getting emails, tell her that she kept pulling conversation away from the book.

      2. Hrovitnir*

        I endorse Stellaaaaa’s approach. I tend to think it is worse to not tell her, but also hate that kind of thing myself so being honest if she asks seems like a happy medium. That really is pretty intolerable behaviour.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          That doesn’t mean it’s better to lie to someone or to ignore her if she reaches out. Just tell her it’s not up for debate. If she’s the sort of person who doesn’t “get” social cues, it’s fruitless to avoid giving her information yet somehow expect her to have said information. People can’t know things that they haven’t been told.

    2. Temperance*

      There is no kind way to say “we all dislike you, so you aren’t invited to come back.” I have met Betsy in my life, and she will take exclusion as yet another personal slight in her difficult life as the mother of a child with a disability. She’ll probably assume that she’s discriminated against because she’s a SAHM and her kid is disabled.

      I would probably do what the group is doing, TBH, even if it’s a little cowardly.

      1. Channel Z*

        Unfortunately I think you are right. I don’t think she would be open to help or a different perspective and would rather keep her martyrdom. I have fallen victim to the martyr act before and am much less sympathetic than I used to be. I have a half truth prepared: that I now play cards on Tues nights (except book club night). I really do hope she finds a support group.

    3. Anonyforthis*

      Ugh, this is probably the reason why I don’t join clubs of any kind, the hijacking of them by people whose sole focus in life is on them. I have too many of those in my working life, don’t want them in my personal life too. Glad someone took the reins on this one regardless of how it was handled, so that Betsy would not return.

  65. Double Secret Anon*

    My marriage is falling apart, some years in the making. We had the talk (first of many, I’m sure) on Friday. A few days before I asked her to write me a love letter for my birthday, and Friday she said she can’t. And then we talked. Yesterday was holding up a happy front over panic attacks while being social at different events with friends. Today, right now, I don’t feel like I’m about to immediately burst in to tears. I have some time to figure out if it’s still worth it to try, but I’m not optimistic.

    For those that have been in this very first step of things, what resources did you use to stay sane and functional? I still have a job I need to keep and, for now, a house to maintain.

    1. Mollygus*

      It may be a bit different for me since I knew the end was probably coming, but was blindsided by the timing. I was in such a fog the first few days I don’t know how I kept my sanity. Going to work was a great distraction and helped keep my mind occupied. I cried a lot, talked about it with my mom, and tried new activities to keep busy. One piece of advice I wish someone had given me: let yourself feel what you want to feel. If you want to cry, do it. But not too long, don’t wallow. It was hard to get out of the wallowing. If you want to laugh and joke, do it. Life goes on although with a whole new, scary, empty different feeling. Everything felt “off” for a few weeks. After 2 weeks the fog lifted and life was somewhat back to normal.

    2. Emily*

      A year ago I left a very, very unhappy marriage of 3.5 years. My ex was an alcoholic and was also abusive. We were both miserable but it was up to me to end it.

      It took me about two years of secretly saving money, considering everything carefully, and preparing to leave before I did it. I just had to think everything through, and be totally ready. But, the things that helped me were:

      1. I bought a book called How to File for a Divorce in __(my state), which was incredibly helpful with all kinds of advice and even sample forms.

      2. I had an excellent therapist. I waited until about a month before leaving to tell family and friends (although there was one close friend I told a bit earlier). I was just embarrassed about the situation before that, and not ready to talk about it with people besides my therapist.

      3. I hired an excellent lawyer, which made the process much easier.

      In the end we were able to agree to terms, and do an amicable dissolution – much simpler and cheaper than a divorce would have been. I got a new lease on life and feel happier than ever.

      Stay strong! It’s such a hard decision, but you can move on and have a better life once it’s all over. Friends and family help so much.

  66. lonely*

    I’m feeling super lonely this weekend. It seems everyone I know is dating/in a relationship etc. I think this was aggravated because it seems lately more people than usual seem to be cancelling plans to be with other people (or each other). It’s a beautiful day but I am feeling like what’s the point of going outside? there is nothing I want to do. I am often pretty good at taking myself places by myself but I am so tired of it and today it feels like a real effort. How do you get out of this place?

    1. Wrench Turner*

      If it’s a safe neighborhood I put on some headphones, chill music and get up and go for a walk. If you’re lucky enough to live somewhere with small coffee shop or bodega places in walking distance, walk to one and buy a coffee. Stop to talk pictures of things that catch your eye on the way. Just get up and out with nowhere particular to go and be open to interact/experience the world when it comes by, no matter how big or small.

    2. Felicia*

      Ive been feeling like that lately too so i understand. It does help me to walk to the nearby library, because i like books, and its a solid 15 minute walk which somehow makes me feel better.

    3. Whats In A Name*

      I was where you are a when I moved to a new place by myself and really really agree that just going for a walk or sitting on the patio helped me. I wasn’t going anywhere but it somehow just relaxed me and made me feel better in a way sitting on the couch didn’t. Fresh air, maybe?

    4. Sparrow*

      I second going to the library–it’s an easy way to get out of the house, see people, get something good to read, and it’s free. I also like to text/message a few long distance friends, just to see how they’re doing–people appreciate it when you out! Another option (if you’re open to it) is to go on a dating website and message with a few people. Even if nothing comes of it, playful back and forth with someone else (who is probably feeling a bit like you) can help with that lonely/isolated feeling. The important thing is to send a few texts/messages and let it go–don’t expect or wait for a response from everyone, and let yourself be pleasantly surprised if/when a few people reply.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      My boyfriend, dog, and I went to brunch this morning and saw a young woman waiting by herself. At exactly noon– which is when you can serve alcohol on Sundays in this state– she asked for a table. She sat down, ordered a cocktail, set up her iPad, and watched a movie. Sounds strange, but I was so jealous– I used to treat myself like that, and it felt so decadent. Didn’t have to worry about anyone’s preferences or time, just my own. It’s the idea of being an island in that sea of people that always recharged me, especially since I always felt kind of mysterious when I did stuff like that. So maybe take yourself out for a cocktail tonight?

  67. dear liza dear liza*

    Healthy snacks needed!

    Whenever I try to eat healthy, one of my biggest challenges is the 3 pm blood sugar crash. I’m pretty good all day, and then right at 2:30-3 pm, I am completely, totally ravenous for carbs. All I want is a big cookie or donut, or a bag of potato chips.

    My general eating routine: before work I have some fruit or oatmeal and hot tea. Around 10, I snack on cheese and crackers. For lunch, I have a salad with chickpeas and chicken, or some grain with veggies. All seems fine until later afternoon. I will get shaky from hunger, totally out of the blue. I’ve tried an afternoon snack of more fruit. I’ve tried upping the protein at lunch. I’ve tried nuts- which does align with the craving, but I want like a pound of nuts, not just a small snack pack. I’ve tried a snack-pack of cookies, but again, that just seems to make me more hungry.

    Oddly enough, by the time I leave work, I’m fine. I think it’s partly psychological- my days tend to be front loaded, so I don’t really come up for air until mid to late afternoon.
    What healthy snacks have you found to help with the afternoon cravings?

    1. Girasol*

      I find that when I’ve fallen off the healthy eating wagon it helps me to get back on again if I cram myself with fruit, way more than I would normally eat. Fruit is sugary but a few days of fruit binge seems to give me a bit of a step-down from a bad donut habit, so that I don’t get the sort of low blood sugar cravings that make me go right back to the donuts. Dipping apples in nut butter provides a bit of extra satiety.

      1. StudentA*

        Totally agree with this. My challenge would be those few days of cramming the fruit in, which requires discipline.

    3. Zathras*

      Can you have some tea or something with the nuts? In addition to adding more stuff in your stomach, it will also help clear the salty taste out of your mouth. I find that when I eat something salty or sweet, having that taste linger in my mouth makes me crave more, but if I can get rid of that the craving will subside. Brushing your teeth immediately would probably work too.

      You might be doing this already but make sure you are hydrated – I read somewhere that people often misinterpret thirst as hunger and I have spotted this in myself. If I feel like a snack I will sometimes drink a glass of water first, and see if I still feel like eating 15-20 minute later.

      I like the Nature Valley Oats & Honey bars for an emergency snack. But a lot of people I know hate them so YMMV.

    4. LCL*

      Try some protein for breakfast. If I had only fruit or oatmeal in the morning I wouldn’t make it to lunch.

      1. Whats In A Name*

        I 2nd more protein at breakfast – a couple hard boiled eggs if you can stomach them or even some turkey breast; I do that a lot because I can make a roll up with cheese! Or even some good powdered protein mixed with water in addition to your fruit and oatmeal if you prefer something on the go. I know you have some at lunch but it really seems like a bit of an unbalanced load of carbohydrates in the a.m. hours, even if they aren’t processed.

    5. Lily Evans*

      I really like peanut butter on rice cakes because it’s protein and you get the cunchy-snacky satisfaction too without it being carb or calorie heavy. I’d just make a sandwich with two rice cakes and pb in the middle to bring to work, since I’d always overeat if I brought a full thing of snacks meaning to ration them.

      1. Whats In A Name*

        I am in love with plain, unsalted rice cakes and peanut butter. I am a bit overly obsessed with peanut butter to begin with but add a rice cake in and something glorious happens and I think I might actually start drooling.

    6. neverjaunty*

      Straight protein like hard-boiled eggs, cheese, anything that isn’t sugary or starchy.

    7. Jessesgirl72*

      I eat nuts with cheese. I find the balance of fats and protein is right with that combo. All fruit does is make me more hungry.

      And I also agree with protein for breakfast. I can do oatmeal, but I need protein too- and the fruit, as I said, just makes me crash.

      Hard boiled eggs or celery stuffed with cream cheese (fat free or more usually, neufchatel) are also go-to snacks. Or I find popcorn to be very filling. I don’t do commercial microwave popcorn- I put loose kernels in a paper lunch bag and microwave.

    8. Jules the First*

      If I were you I would try adding a little more fat into your lunch, if you can (olive oil, olives, avocado, oily fish….), based on the nuts hitting the spot but the cookies not. Another thing you could try is shifting your ‘lunch’ meal a little later so that your lunch break is hitting you closer to the point where you come up for air from your work.

      Otherwise, my go-to snack options are apple slices and nut butter, raisins and nut butter, a 100-calorie pack of biltong, or carrot sticks with hummus – fat + protein + a little bit of sugar to kick start the snack. Unlike a snack pack of nuts, all of these are fiddly enough or chewy enough to extend the duration of my snack long enough for the benefits to kick in before I’m actually finished eating (which is what makes me not-hungry at the end of the snack – if it’s over too soon, your body hasn’t registered that you’re snacking yet).

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yep! I was going to say the same! More fat at lunch, probably more protein as well.

    9. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I would also add some fat to your breakfast along with the protein. If you like the ease of oatmeal then stir in a nut butter or a protein supplement and some butter or other fat. Or go savory and stir in some chicken or other meat. Or put a fried egg on top. And the same goes for your lunch: it needs protein and fat. All meals and snacks need to have sugar (simple carbohydrate), starch (complex carbohydrate), protein and fat to really carry you to the next meal. When you have all 4 you can ride the energy peaks from element to element: the sugar ramps up first, as it’s coming down you’re getting energy from the starch, followed by protein and finally fat. Your cheese and crackers has sugar and starch in the crackers and protein and fat in the cheese. Just fruit is mostly simple carbs. Just nuts has protein and fat but you’re missing the first two pieces so there’s a lag between eating and getting the energy. That may be why you want a whole pound. And the cookies are just carbs with maybe a little fat and protein; not enough to keep you satisfied. I think what’s happening is you’re going the better part of the day with minimal protein and fat and so you crash in the afternoons.

  68. ann perkins*

    Yesterday I posted about the thing we don’t discuss on weekends and thanks so much for all the supportive comments. even though I think I’ve made my decision, the enormous change is stressing me out. I’m going to have to move when my lease is up and just deal with the commute until then, however I know there will be flexibility with that. Moving + other life change at the same time = very stressful. I’ve done this multiple times in my life and it has always turned out fine, so I can’t figure out what is scaring me so much for this iteration. Change in life is normal, fear in life is normal, so what is my problem? UGH.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      You know, change is almost always uncomfortable by its very nature. It’s new. It’s different. It can be normal and still scary.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Maybe you are just tired. When I get tired and am worried about having enough energy for all the stuff, I start to get scared.

      Maybe you are sick of moving.

      If nothing sounds right here, then go back over your plans so far.
      Can you figure out at what point you started feeling scared. It could be that there is something buried in that point that is bothering you. Maybe the rent on the new place is a bit high, or maybe you are wondering if your car is starting to have a problem. This is a needle in the haystack question. You are looking for the thing that tipped the scales over to worrying.

      The answer could be you have ten worries and you are brushing them off as “that should not bother me.”

      In terms of what to do, make a good solid plan for as much as you can. Bonus points for figuring a backup plan. Look for ways to involve help from friends or family. If your family is not local, plan strategic times to call and chat for a bit. Sometimes just connecting with people can help.

      You may or may not ever find what is worrying you. So just use that worry to stay alert, double check what you are doing and put in more effort on good self care.

  69. Laura*

    Also I finally saw the live action Beauty and the Beast this week!! It was cute and worth the trip to the theater.

    I rarely go and if I do… it’s gotta be a good movie/ one that I want to see.

  70. Insurance*

    Any recommendations on how to pass the time with mono? Im looking at two-three weeks off from work.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Podcasts! I listened to so many when I was sick with the flu last month. I know there have been posts on podcast recommendations on previous weekend open threads. I mostly listed to true crime (Criminal) and You Must Remember This (the series of episodes on Hollywood Blacklist).

  71. TheLazyB*

    Nervous accountant, not sure if you’re here, but if you are, I’m thinking of you and I hope you’re ok.

  72. MechanicalPencil*

    I’m at a bit of a loss and feel like a toddler with this one. Post-college, how does one make friends? My college friends have all moved away, so that isn’t an option. My work colleagues are…not my speed. I have a medical condition that flares up sometimes and can require retreating into the fortress of soltitude. I’ve considered book clubs and such but am not sure how to find one (my local library doesn’t appear to offer any?). Any suggestions?

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      An independent book store may have book clubs or discussion groups.
      Sometimes book clubs sprout among people who originally gathered for another reason (congregations, political clubs, locally-owned coffee shops or restaurants).
      Would Meetup or a similar kind of social media work for you?

    2. Reba*

      You are so, so not alone! For me, I’ve found it tough because I’m not much of a joiner of things, but regular involvement in something (once over the inertia hurdle) is really rewarding. Also know that it takes time to make close friends, usually–you’re not thrown together with others in an intense way as in college, but rather plugging in small amounts of time into everyone’s spread-out, busy lives.

      Look into Meetup.com of course, for book clubs, game groups, walking groups, sketching groups… and find a place to volunteer! If you live in a large city you might have One Brick, which is low-committment volunteering combined with social hour. Good luck!

    3. Sam Foster*

      meetup.com is a good start. Are there support groups for folks with your condition?

    4. GirlwithaPearl*

      Local political party or candidate to volunteer for? Or a nonprofit volunteer or activism group?

    5. Temperance*

      I joined groups for women who like craft beer, and met some amazingly cool people that way.

    6. Emily*

      I’ve joined some Meetup groups with limited success, but it’s a start.

      Meetup dot com. There are bound to be some in your area.

    1. Mrs. Fenris*

      I live on the other side of the county from you! Depends on what you’re into, of course, so I will start with a few random things I’m into. Gwinnett has a superb county park system. Lots of walking trails, lakes and so forth. The Gwinnett Greenway system is a newer network of longer walking trails. Downtown Norcross is a cute downtown with several good restaurants. Actually, a lot of the towns in Gwinnett have done some cool restorations on their downtowns, so check out Duluth and Suwanee in particular. I keep an eye out for free concerts and art exhibits at Emory, which is not too far from you. In Midtown, be sure to check out Centennial Park and all the tourist stuff around it, like the Aquarium and CNN Center. I’m also a big fan of Callanwolde Arts Center and Fernbank. The new Braves stadium is supposed to be nice, but I’m not a huge enough sports fan to deal with driving to Cobb County. That should get you started! I think you’ll like Gwinnett. I’ve lived here (in Norcross and each end of Lawrenceville) since 1993 and I’m not tired of it yet. :-)

      1. Mrs. Fenris*

        Oh, I think I assumed you were moving here, and you may not be! Anyway, came back to mention that you’re just in time for the Georgia Renaissance Fair. And Dragon*Con is Labor Day weekend. If you’re a runner, if you can snag a number for the Peachtree Road Race, you can spend the morning of the Fourth with 70,000 of your closest friends at the most fun thing in the city; if you can’t, go to Midtown anyway and help cheer the runners on.

        1. Miriam*

          Thank you! Actually, we will just be there for a few days over Memorial Day weekend. Love these ideas though!

  74. Nervous Accountant*

    whyyyy Is buying/leasing a car such a huge hassle????

    My family and I are planning on leasing a new car, my father and I are going to cosign and split the monthly cost.
    So we go to a dealership yesterday.

    1. The guy gives my dad a quote, w/o checking his credit. I then fill out an application to see what our rates would be if I am the sole owner. In the meantime, my husband shows him an ad he saw. 45 minutes later, the guy comes back and says my credit doesn’t qualify for the advertised price; with my credit, I get the exact same quote he gave my father. We left.

    2. Went to a second dealership, got a pretty good deal. But my dad wanted to take some time and think it over so we left.

    3. Go to a dealership today; we leased a vehicle last year and wanted to speak to the same salesperson. He wasn’t showing up until later, so we decided to wait. My dad spoke to one guy, he said he was the manager, and he gave us a GREAT deal. The second salesperson we were waiting for showed up and my dad spoketo him for almsot an hour. In teh end, the salesperson said he couldn’t give the same deal that his manager gave us, and the price of everything nearly doubled (!). he said he gave usthe wrong price, and I feel like they acted in bad faith by giving us one price AFTER we had given all the information, and then switching it up.

    So, granted, I’ve never bought a vehicle,but when I shop, I want to buy what I need and get on with it, I don’t like to sit and talk to the person as if they’re my bff and waste 2+ hours at each place to go home empty handed. Is all of this normal at car dealerships???

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      Not normal for buying- not to that extent, but it will always take HOURS to get through the finance stuff. And the advertised deals are always asterisked with language about with qualifying credit.

      The only way to get around some of it is to go with one of the places that has set prices- and no haggling on the rates or price of the car. I don’t think you can lease that way, though, only buy. I am assuming you’ve done all the research on leasing vs buying- leasing only makes financial sense in limited circumstances.

    2. kc89*

      yep-it’s pretty normal

      car dealerships are awful places to be unless you are the type to enjoy that kind of environment (and plenty do)

    3. Anono-meAn*

      It is pretty normal for car buying/leasing to be time consuming and frustrating.

      If you can, here are some of the things my family have found helpful.

      1. Only go to dealerships when you have plenty of time.

      2. Go with the attitude of I am looking today, but not planning on getting a car today unless I get a great deal.

      3. Go with several friends and or family members. (Reciprocity is expected when they need a car.) There is psychological strength in numbers and smart salespeople see everyone else in the group as potential future customers to be impressed.

      4. Sometimes there may not be any more room for movement in the actual cash, but there may be other things that can be included, especially things that are often lossleader or promotional items (car washes or oil changes etc.).

      5. Be kind. Being a car salesperson is pretty tough, often with challenging sales goals. (A friend who used to be one said, some places routinely cut the lowest performer each month. )

      Good luck. I hope some of this is useful.

      P.S. FYI- I don’t know if my experience is typical, but the 2 negotiation free dealers I visited both called me a few days later with new bottom line prices.

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        When we bought our car in December, we made an appointment with the salesman who had first show in to my husband for right after lunch- rested and fed, we went to the dealership. When we came back from the test drive, our salesman was giving one last look-through to someone else he had helped who came back to seal the deal, who had brought her kids with her straight after school. 3 hours later, she left to take them for some food, saying she’d be back after she fed them to finish the paperwork- she honestly thought she’d be in and out in an hour.

        We finally got the car and were ready to go in time to pick up dinner on the way home. And this was on a car where there was no haggling because the year-end price was already honestly amazing (and firm), and they offered us more for the trade in than we had expected, right away!

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      I don’t know if you can necessarily go this route, but my spouse and I recently bought a car, and the process was extremely painless, but we didn’t go through a car dealership—we went through our credit union. We told them what kind of car we wanted and how much we wanted to make as a down payment and monthly payments, and then they delivered the car, and we signed the paperwork.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I’d rather have a root canal than shop for a car. One car I kept too long and my friends would cover their eyes when I drove away, it scared them. I did get rid of it soon after, but it shows how much I hate car shopping.

      What I have settled on is doing business with one place. I bring the car there for service also. It’s a small place so they know me by name and I have been going there for 20 years. I can rent a car at a discount if I need a big repair job. This is critical because NO ONE gives courtesy cars here and only the big dealers have shuttles.

      I don’t like head games. I tell them to tell me the price on the vehicle and I will tell them if I will buy it. They get one chance to tell me one price. I do give them a price range.
      So if my range is 8-10k and they show me a car for 12k my answer is “NOPE. Next?” I am pretty rigid about this, I will not keep discussing the 12k car. I try to be nice, but I am firm.

      Anyway, some suggestions.
      1) Shop at places that put the prices in the window of the car.
      2) Get with one salesperson and stay with them. Do not negotiate with several people for reasons you show in number 3 above.
      3) Since we had an on-going relationship with this dealer my husband agreed to letting the owner help us find financing for one vehicle. But this is because of the trust we had built up over the years. Usually I buy modest vehicles and pay “cash” (pay in full by some means right away- cash, credit card, check.) Not needing financing or finding your own might make the transaction more transparent.

      I worked selling tractors. People who were difficult customers got a check mark next to their name in their file. We’d look up the name if we did not know. Next step, when they bought something we would have to look up the price for it. There were two sets of prices. The higher price was for the difficult customer. Nice customers got the lower price.

      Granted that was years ago. But it opened my eyes wide. You might win on the purchase of the car, but if you service the car they could try to get that money back. When I started going to this place my annual car repair expense dropped by 75%. I think the old place I went to did not want to work on my “older” vehicle and charged me higher prices to discourage me from coming back.

  75. Alex*

    Here’s an etiquette question for you all. My friend’s about 6 months pregnant and she just found out (combination of being a larger girl whose weight fluctuates, not showing much and already irregular periods meant that it took some apparently psychic older lady at work for her to even think about it). She and her husband are, understandably, mildly freaked out that they’re suddenly going to have to adjust their baby timetable, but overall happy. She has her first ob-gyn today.

    My best friend, who is mutual friends with this couple, is coming into town this weekend. Am I allowed to give her a heads up? The four of us normally go out for dinner or drinks – either way, plenty of alcohol, and I could see her questioning it if Mrs. Pregnant doesn’t get a few cocktails. Also, she’s put on a bit of weight that she normally wouldn’t be self-conscious about, but I don’t know if those rules still apply with baby weight, and I don’t want my best friend to stick her foot in her mouth. On the other hand, that might just be me being a gossip who’s justifying her desire to share someone else’s big news… Standard rules say not to share anyone else’s pregnancy news until they make an official announcement, but does that still apply at six or seven months?

    1. FDCA In Canada*

      Yes, it applies at any and all times when a woman is pregnant. It’s her news to tell, and if your friend is going to put her foot in her mouth about weight and pregnancy, that’s kind of on her.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Agree with the above. You could always ask your friend what she wants you to say.

    3. Jessesgirl72*

      Second that it’s her news to tell. Coming right off her first appointment, she will probably announce it before your other friend has a chance to put her foot in her mouth. If she doesn’t and the friend inserts her foot- well, maybe she will learn to not comment on someone’s weight change or alcohol consumption.

  76. TheLazyB*

    So, what does parenting mean to you?

    Thinking a lot about my life at the minute and I’ve realised that I find looking after my son really stressful, and I think that’s at least partly because I don’t have a clear idea of what parenting looks like, and so looking after him physically (food, clothes, sleep) gets mixed up with looking after him emotionally (understanding his needs and other people’s and learning to verbalise it), and education, and playing. Obviously there are lots of overlaps but I feel like I always should be doing all of the above.

    So what do you think of?

    I’m just as interested (if not more so) in the views of those who don’t have kids, for whatever reason, and I’m thinking about the full spectrum- parenting babies, kids and grown children. Although fwiw my child is 6.

    Thanks anyone who’s still here!

    1. Jules the First*

      My take has always been that parenting is like managing – your job as the parent is to get your child whatever support he or she needs in order to grow (eventually) into the brilliant, capable, adult you know they can be. My personal tack is that I treat children as short humans who have recently arrived from a distant galaxy and therefore need a) strange human customs explained to them and b) things reached from high shelves. It’s worked so far…
      (No short humans of my own yet, but I nannied six of them when I was at university)

      On a slightly soppier note, my dad says that he knows he succeeded as a parent because he has (adult) children who are interesting to spend time with.

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      No kids myself for 10ish more weeks, but I also have done a lot of nannying my entire life (since I was 11!)

      I think you might be happier if you get rid of the idea that there is any one way “parenting is supposed to look”

      Humans are not automatons. Every kid is different and what works for one kid and his parents doesn’t work for another kid or his parents. Some kids need more focus on their emotional needs than others, and just when you think you have it figured out, the needs change! So you do what you can to keep them alive and with the skills he is going to need to be a decent and productive grown up- and remain flexible if what you’re doing isn’t working or stops working.

    3. Red*

      I don’t have children and never will, but here’s my take – the role of a parent is to provide an environment and guidance such that a tiny baby can turn into a happy, successful, interesting adult. That means you provide them with their basic needs when they are young, help them to do so when they are older so they can learn how, explain the ways of the world to them, introduce them to things they may possibly enjoy, teach them how to diplomatically decline participation in those they don’t enjoy, and help them decide on some good morals so you don’t find them on the police blotter one day. Think of it like an exchange student program for a tiny alien who needs to know how to live in your world.

      1. Parenthetically*

        “an exchange student program for a tiny alien who needs to know how to live in your world.”

        This is so, so accurate. I just saw someone say on social media recently that teaching kindergarten is like teaching aliens our customs. “We don’t put our mouths ON the drinking fountain, we do it this way!” “Ah, see, it’s important to pull your underwear up BEFORE you leave the bathroom.”

    4. Parenthetically*

      I’m similar to Jessesgirl in that my own kid is about 13 weeks away, but I’m a student of kids and a big sister, babysitter, nanny, teacher over the years. I really like the image of a parent (or adult mentor/teacher type person in general) as an umbrella and a translator. It’s my job to protect and care, to keep the rain off when necessary but let the kid out in the sun on his own too, and to be the one who interprets a big, scary world to a little kid who’s trying to make sense of it. I really resonate with the RIE/respectful parenting philosophy that treats kids like normal small humans who need leadership and guidance but who are competent to explore and figure their world out. With my students/charges that means changing the way I view their moods and actions, treating them with dignity rather than the condescension a lot of kids get. It means respecting their bodily autonomy, talking through things with them, listening, giving them space to feel their emotions without necessarily changing my decisions, being a strong and confident but empathetic leader and example.

    6. Dzhymm, BfD*

      I’ve never had kids except for the feline variety, never wanted them, and will never have them. That said, I can look back at my miserable upbringing and draw one ovarching lesson from it: In addition to what everyone else said about providing instruction to short aliens, the biggest thing a parent needs to do is to determine what the child *actually* needs, and endeavor to provide it. The problem is making that determination. In my life the Big People made a whole bunch of assumptions as to what I needed, and they never conferred either with me or with those who could truly speak for me.

      I’ll give you one example: I never went to kindergarten. When I was growing up public school started at first grade. If you wanted your kid to go to kindergarten it cost you $$$ and you had to arrange for transportation yourself (back in my day, parents threw the kids out of the house to fend for themselves at the bus stop, none of this bringing the kid to school every day). Since I was a positively brilliant little Aspie who started reading at the age of 3 and could do sums and the like by age 5, they figured I “didn’t need” kindergarten because I “already knew” what they were going to teach me. What I really, desperately needed at that age, though, was intense socialization among age-mates because I got exactly zero of that at home. My siblings were several years older than me and play-dates hadn’t been invented yet.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I remember being six. I was such a little sponge at that age, I was just soaking up everything I saw.

      I am not a parent, but I have led work groups, been married, led volunteer groups and I have raised pups/kittens. One consistent thread through all of these things I have found is the importance of fairness.
      If you make a mistake, apologize.
      If you don’t understand, then ask.
      If you are worried, state why.
      If you are proud/impressed, say so.
      If you can’t help, explain why.
      If you can help, explain the limits of how you will help.

      In short, look at each situation and ask yourself, “What is the fair thing to do with this situation?” It’s a good go-to question instead of asking a dozen questions.
      When you two are playing and he hits you hard with that toy, “what is the fair thing to do here?”
      When he gets that good grade after working super hard, what is the fair thing to do here?
      When he does his household chore, without being asked, what is the fair thing to do here?

      You see the idea. I used the question as a tool for figuring out what my most important point was in a given situation. Once it became my habit, it made stressful situations a tad easier because I had trained my brain to go to, “What is the fair thing to do here?”

      Two employees are rolling on the floor fighting. The fair thing is to break up the fight immediately.

      My dog and her brother are getting too rough in their play. The fair thing is to LET her brother tell her to knock it off and not let the brother expect me to do that for him.

      I am arguing with my husband over Stupid Little Thing. The fair thing is to be unnecessarily kind, because the guy promised to spend his life with me. I can use that kindness in a manner to show him Thing is small potatoes.

      Three similar situations but what is fair varies in each one. This is why I like the question so much.

    9. Nervous Accountant*

      To me, a good place to start is looking at my parents–it could be to emulate what they do or a lesson in what NOT to do. Throughout my 20s I thought that there were so many things my parnets did that I’d never want to do to my kids, but the older I get the more I’m focusing on what TO do.

  77. ThatAspie*

    Well, I’ve had better days. I have seasonal allergies, AND I’m coming down with something (who knows what), AND I have a whole mess of new zits to make my face hurt (and most of them are clustered on and around my nose, because of course). Then again, I’ve had worse days, too. Way worse. No family members needing a hospital, haven’t had to call 9-1-1 (or even the non-emergency police number), no loved ones dying or dead, no sprains, no strains, no running off to urgent care so far, haven’t seen any dead bodies today, haven’t witnessed any major fights or car crashes today, haven’t been in a car crash today, and at least none of my zits are in my eyeball, so, y’know, I’ve had worse days.

  78. Elizabeth West*

    Well I had an okay weekend, even though we didn’t have meditation group yesterday and I missed out on coffee because I set the wrong alarm and forgot I had a hair appointment that day. I got the house cleaned today and washed a ton of stuff (and actually put it away!).

    I also made a tiny cushion for my singing bowl; you can see it here. instagram.com/p/BUYB1qujRQa/ There’s a pic of it on the cushion in that same post. It looks round but it actually turned out a bit lopsided, haha. I stuffed it with some lambswool I had bought to make a pad for my skate but never used. The sound when I hit it lasts way longer when the bowl is on the cushion–yay!

    I hope some things happen this week. I’m tired of the Nothing. I feel like I should be looking over my shoulder for the Gmork, LOL.

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