weekend free-for-all – July 1-2, 2017

by Alison Green on July 1, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Humans, by Matt Haig. An alien comes to earth with a mission, sure that he knows what humans are like. He is wrong.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,116 comments }

{ 1,116 comments… read them below }

  1. Pepper*

    I just wanted to share, since I feel like I can’t tell anyone IRL, that as of yesterday I finally have six months worth of take home pay stored in a savings account. I know that’s not much, since a lot of articles I was reading say you’re supposed to have up to 2 years worth, but it’s taken me about 10 years to save that much and i’s an amount that makes me feel more comfortable about potential job loss or other emergencies in the future.

    3. Anon for this*

      Where do you hear that you need two years’ worth? I’ve mainly heard six months to a year, and that’s from the very strictest advisors (Dave Ramsey).

      Anyhow, congrats!! Saving is HARD and you should be proud of your accomplishment.

      1. Not Karen*

        Yeah, I’ve never heard more than a year. Also it’s not “X months worth of take home pay” it’s “X months worth of expenses” and not current expenses, bare bones expenses. So you have more than you think.

      2. Jessesgirl72*

        The same. It’s normally 6 months take home, or a year’s worth of expenses, which are not the same. We know that our must-pays are less than half of our normal budget.

    4. Myrin*

      Yay, congratulations! It’s such a good feeling, isn’t it, that you won’t immediately be in dire straits should your income suddenly fall through for whatever reason.

    7. Canadian Natasha*

      That is awesome! Congratulations! (I’m just re-filling my emergency fund since for various reasons it’s shrunk quite a bit and mine is not even close to 6 mo worth yet)

    11. Bea W*

      Really 2 years of pay? I’ve never heard anything remotely close to that not even from my financial advisor. 6 months of living expenses (which are hopefully lower than your pay) is what I’ve always used as a minimum, although I can understand if recommendations have changed given the last economic crash is still fresh in people’s minds.

      I can’t imagine many people can easily save 2 years of pay very easily. I put a minimum of $500 month into savings. That’s $6000 per year not including interest. Using that example, if you made $60k a year you’re looking at upwards of 10 years (slightly less due to compounded interest but rates are so bad it won’t make a huge dent) to accumulate a year of pay.

      My living expenses are what I’m worried about if I’m out of work so that’s the measure by which I gauge my savings cushion, how many months of living expenses calculated using my current lifestyle so that I have wiggle room to cut a bunch of discretionary stuff in order to stretch it.

      At the moment I have about a year’s pay worth of liquid assets outside of retirement account. That took 17 years of career to build!

    13. Former Employee*

      That’s fabulous! Suze Orman usually recommends saving 6 mos+ of basic expenses – food, rent/mortgage, etc. So, you’re probably ahead of the game. I hope your savings account pays a good interest rate. These days you can get 1% or a bit more on savings accounts if you have an online account.

      Best of luck going forward.

      1. D.W.*

        That is awesome! I have gone through Financial Peace University, and now teach the course, and the recommendation is just 3-6months of expenses. So if you have 6 months of take-home pay you have done a tremendous thing! That is not a small feat. You should definitely be proud!!

    16. K.*

      Congratulations! A favorite professor of mine called it a “F-off fund.” If any situation becomes untenable, you’ll want to be able to tell it to f off and extract yourself from it.

      1. Freezer Beer*

        We call it “F-You Money” same results, you can tell your boss F-You if you need too!

        1. K.*

          Boss, roommate/SO/parents if you’re living with them and that becomes untenable, spouse if you realize you need to part ways …

          I’m building mine back up after I needed it post-layoff, and I legit take pleasure in sacrificing so I can add to it. Not forgoing luxury completely (I did that when I was unemployed), but I really like sucking away money. I’ve always been a saver, not a spender.

    19. Sherry*

      Congrats, Pepper!

      I met that emergency fund goal for myself last year, and I was SO PROUD. It wasn’t easy, but so worth it. I shopped around, and found the highest-interest savings account that didn’t “lock in” the funds. I know some people say that you should just rely on credit in an emergency, and that my money should be earning higher interest in a mutual fund, or something. But I think my emergency fund gives me HUGE peace-of-mind, and it also proves to me that saving money really works.

      1. Seren*

        What high interest savings account do you recommend? I’ve had $1000 in an emergency fund for a year and the interest I’ve made is 40 cents… I want to change that but still want my savings account to be pretty liquid.

        1. Jen*

          Ally, Discover, Capital One 360, and American Express all offer online high yield savings accounts. Just remember that if an emergency situation arises, you can only make 6 withdrawals per month from a savings account in the US.

        2. swingbattabatta*

          We use Ally, and get about 1% interest a month. You should also look into credit unions – they typically have decent interest rates.

    20. Quickbeam*

      I once lost a job very suddenly and unexpectedly. The 6 month savings I had held us afloat for a full year while I got a new (better) job. It saved us from losing our home. Nothing feels better than a cushion to land on. Good for you!

    21. Anxa*

      I’m not there, but we just hit a 1 month expenses savings, which at least gives us time to break a lease, make arrangements to move back in with our respective families.

      It’s something.

      We live on a tutor’s and post-doc’s salary with a ton of student loan debt and some credit card debt, so this was a big accomplishment. We probably would be saving more, too, but I cannot stand paying 20+% interest so a lot of our savings goes to debt reduction.

      Congrats on hitting that benchmark!

    22. Artemesia*

      Kudos. I am crazy conservative about money and there is nothing that gives you peace of mind like knowing you have that cushion. My husband and I have always lived below our means and that meant when he was unemployed for a year and when I lost my job in a merger, while it was miserable, we didn’t have to worry about the money.

      Keep building it. We are retired and quite comfortable and can travel and live in a big city and do what we want because although we had a moderate income, we squirreled away retirement funds consistently over the decades.

      1. Anxa*

        I’m not all that conservative about money and am prone to massive splurges, but overall run pretty frugal. My SO doesn’t always like it when I balk at going to events or eating out, but I remind him that so far we have managed to reach our 30s without working soul crushing jobs for much of our working lives. And let’s keep building a safety net so that we never have to. Whenever my back aches from our saggy mattress or I struggle to keep my too-big-for-my-face Rx sunglasses from slipping or have to finesse our dying vacuum, I keep focused on the big picture.

        And FWIW, when we do get some more cushion, the first thing I want to splurge on are those things that make life a little less miserable. In fact, I’m just starting to look at some sunglasses now that we hit our 1 month cushion mark.

    23. The Expendable Redshirt*

      Congratulations! This is a huge amount! Treat yourself to some ice cream and feel proud.

      I spend a lot of my days trying to convince people to save one month of take home pay. To have three months saved is a respectable amount. It’s a goal that would serve most households. To have six months worth of pay set aside is like bringing a machine gun to a zombie apocalypse. You are going to take care of a heck of a lot of problems with that level of resources.

      Two years of take home pay?!? I’ve never seen a financial article promote that number yet. Hot dang, two years would be a daunting amount to aim for.

      1. The Expendable Redshirt*

        My terminology was a bit off. It’s recommended by many smart folk to have money to cover emergency savings taken care of. So, things like rent, food, prescriptions, transportation and such count as NEED to have expenses. Anything that keeps you housed, alive, and helps you find a job again is emergency fund money. The take home pay that keeps you in your current comfortable life style is different. Gail vas Oxalade would be a Canadian financial smart person recommending this philosophy. If you’ve managed to save six months of your take home pay, that’s even more impressive.

  2. Cactus*

    I’ll be 30 years old this September. I have a great job, make great money, have a place of my own and do not financially depend on my family for anything. I live an hour from my childhood home and once or twice a month I’ll drive home to visit and spend the night with my partner. My mom expects us to do chores while we’re there such as clean all bathrooms, vacuum, do laundry, do dishes (that we didn’t soil) because she says we all benefit from my parents’ hard work. If the house is a “mess” (she has unreachable standards) she shuts down and angrily starts cleaning up, slamming doors, throwing things around. I am very close with my dad so I enjoy spending time with him. My partner has started making excuses when I say that I’d like to visit, such as wanting “time alone”, and that I should go by myself because I he can’t handle the toxicity anymore.

    Is this normal family behavior? My family thinks it is but I have doubts.

    1. Meredith*

      She asks you to clean when you visit and throws a fit if not to her standards? I wouldn’t want to visit any more, either. I help my parents out with chores sometimes when visiting, but cleaning the whole house sounds like a miserable time. I can do that at my own house.

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      No this is not normal behavior. At the least it’s passive aggressive, if not downright toxic. Especially slamming and throwing things.

      If your mother is having a hard time keeping up with the house, she should see about hiring a cleaning service to come in 1-2 times a month.

      Otherwise, I think you should invite your dad to come visit YOU.

    3. BeautifulVoid*

      Yeah, no. The rule we go by is “whoever makes the mess cleans it up”. Washing dishes that you didn’t use and are presumably from a meal you didn’t even share is ridiculous. (Though if you all had dinner or whatever together, I guess it might be nice to offer?) If you’re spending the night there, I think basic house guest etiquette suggests you clean up the linens/towels and maybe quickly wipe down the bathroom surfaces, but I wouldn’t expect anything more than that.

      If you’re looking for advice beyond reassurance, I don’t know what to tell you, unfortunately. An hour isn’t that far of a drive, so I’d probably start by eliminating the overnight visits. Maybe don’t even go to the house and meet someplace like a restaurant instead? It sucks that you might have to give up some time with your father due to the unrealistic demands of your mother. If you do continue going there and she starts in with one of her fits, I’d just ignore her as best I could. Since she has “unreachable standards”, as you put it, it probably doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, so if she wants to stomp around like a toddler, that’s all on her.

    4. OperaArt*

      No, it’s really not normal, at least in a family with healthy relationships. As people often advise here, go to Captain Awkward’s blog and start reading.

    5. Athena X*

      It is not normal to expect an adult child who lives independently to clean their parents’ house while visiting.

      1. Temperance*

        Or to expect biweekly or monthly visits. That’s something my husband’s grandparents/mother expected, and something we had to negotiate. You can’t be an adult and live your own life while also kowtowing to their influence and demands.*

        *There are obviously special circumstances, like helping a terminally ill parent or something, but generally, no, you’re not a child, live your own life.

        1. Fdesigner*

          Thats not what they asked about. This is for your family and it does not mean it is not applicable to others peoples families.

          3. Curiosity Killed The Cat*

            It is not an uncommon thing to reference something in your own life while giving advice so this is a very odd thing to say. Someone says they have a problem and you say ‘Oh, I’ve had this similar thing happen to me and here is how I handled it in my own situation’.

    6. Ann*

      No, that is not normal. As the others said, don’t expect your partner to go, invite your parents to visit you, plan a day trip, and plan activities your dad will want to do. If you are feeling very nice, pay for a spring clean or a few visits from cleaners each year, bit if she is like my mom, she won’t lime that. And if it makes your mom happy and you want to, plan a day trip just to clean.

      But no, that is not normal.

    7. Anon4this*

      No this is not normal but I grew up in a similar environment. Growing up, I would try to help my mom with chores, only for her to constantly yell at me that I wasn’t doing anything correctly, that I was useless, and that she just had to do everything herself – literally anything from washing dishes to laundry to picking up toys in my room. She also didn’t believe in everyone washing their own dishes – she advocated people rotating dishwashing duties entirely. This would have worked out fine, except no one else hand washed the dishes adequately except her, so she “had no choice but to do them herself EVERY TIME”. The end result of all of this was – she did end up doing most of the household chores and would complain to extended family members that I was lazy and useless and never lifted a finger to help her with anything.

      The funny thing is until like, 4 years ago, I grew up thinking she was the sane one – at least until I moved out of the house (I’m now in my mid-twenties.) My mom isn’t even that neat of a person – just crazy. (She is generally a nice person, but has some personality issues that don’t make for good parenting…)

    8. Bryce*

      Helping out around the house? Sure. When I visit home I love helping with yardwork and such because I’m in an apartment here and miss having opportunities to just get out and shovel sometimes. I’m three hours from the parents so I usually visit for a long weekend every couple of months. And it’s just family being family; I visit often enough that we don’t feel the need to do special trips or anything, so there’s plenty of relaxing downtime to just do those chores or read a book or whatever. I’m a country boy living in the “big city” (by my standards) now, so it’s a decompression visit with all the casualness that entails.

      The sense of obligation though, and the tantrums? That’s not normal. My mother reacts that way to stress sometimes (and to be fair I do to though I find stress in different places) but we realize it’s not “okay” to do so. The only sense of “need to do X chore while Bryce is here” is for things that need an extra pair of hands or that Dad shouldn’t do because of his bad back and Mom’s too short and such. Not dishes.

      1. Bryce*

        One thing I’ll mention, if things seem fine otherwise but shift when you visit home, is that the context in which you interact with people can make a large difference. I’m 35 and love visiting the parents, but we tend to regress to parent/child roles with me (willingly) taking a more passive interest in activities. When Mom comes up here for a conference or something and we meet for coffee, or when I meet Dad at the airport while he waits the hour for a shuttle-bus? It results in a noticeably different dynamic and we interact with each other like adults.

        1. Cap Hiller*

          Yes! And I think there’s a sense that my parents don’t have to treat me like a guest–but I haven’t lived at home since I went to college (I’m 34 now). So we end up regressing into old roles in lots of ways.

          OP–maybe consider staying at a hotel? Could change the dynamic up, and frankly, with your partner starting to hesitate, something needs to change

          1. Lindsay J*

            Seconding this.

            My parents don’t demand that I clean when I’m home, but they do otherwise treat me like a child. Like they insist on driving me (while acting like it’s an inconvenience) or sending my younger brother with me to go around the corner to the store, or getting huffy when I am not asleep when they feel I should be (I will be in the guest room with the door closed quietly reading, so not like I am disturbing them), or talking down to me or otherwise treating me like I’m not a capable adult.

            Staying in a hotel and having a rental car when I visit them has been a game-changer. I can enjoy my visit. They have close to no control over my comings and goings or my sleep patterns, and if they start being condescending or otherwise annoying I have a place I can retreat to. I am also not asking them for favors (a ride or a car to use or a place to sleep) which levels the playing field as well.

        2. Artemesia*

          We had a couple of vacation s where we invited my parents to share our beach cabin rental — it was totally neutral turf and although we were the hosts, the dynamic was completely different. We organized pairs to cook dinner so we had time to spend one on one with each parents and each other but the dynamic that occurs in the family house didn’t occur there. I really recommend neutral turf occasionally.

      2. blackcat*

        Yeah, my grandmother keeps a list of “grandchild” chores for when one of her teen or adult grandkids comes by. She is 90 and lives alone (by choice, and with watchful neighbors and a once a week housekeeper paid for by her kids). Seems only fair, and there are enough local grand kids that the “shit grandma needs lifted” list (my 17 year old cousin’s name for it!) gets distributed around. 99% of the tasks are stuff she shouldn’t be doing anyways that require some sort of physical strength. In the last 5-10 years or so, she’s started refusing similar help from her own children, claiming they’re also too old for heavy lifting.

        There are never any tantrums, though, and mosts tasks she gives us are pretty short (eg, she has weeded the garden except for 2-3 big plants that need to be dug up at the roots). She is always appreciative, too, and tends to send us away with home baked goodies. She absolutely has an attitude that she is entitled to help from her offspring, but all in all, she’s pretty reasonable about what that help is. I’d say that that’s normal.

        I’d be super cranky if my mom or dad demanded I do usual chores that did as a kid when I visited (eg, all the family ironing). I absolutely clean up after myself/my husband, and both my husband and I contribute to things like dishes from family meals. But the day to day stuff? They can do it themselves. (Sometimes my husband and I do get tasked with heavy-lifting stuff, but both of my parents have bad backs, so I don’t mind. I do give my brother, who still lives at home, serious side-eye for not helping with those things, though).

    9. Rookie Manager*

      This sounds unreasonable to me.

      My mum has incredibly high cleaning standards that she imposes on herself. (She once broke her arm falling off the back of the sofa having used it as a ladder to clean a high shelf before we visited- I’m too short to even see the high shelf!) And I know my siblings and I all do mad panic cleans before my mum visits although we have also put boundaries in place over the last few years to reduce this a bit.

      When we visit each other (wider family too) everyone ‘mucks in’. If I see my sisters washing mashine is finished, I’ll hang out the clothes, my Dad is usually the first up wherever he stays so knows how to work all our coffee machines, its normal for us to help each other cook meals and clean up after. My partner thinks this is all a bit invasive so no one else will touch our dishwasher and he only does what is asked of him. And we all ask each other, last time by BiL was here he immediately started cooking dinner for everyone cos I was sick – I’ve hoovered their lounge more than my own! HOWEVER, we are certainly not made to do these things, there is normally an offer and a gracious yes please, thank you. Occasionally there is an ask or instructions (Everyone is arriving is 30 min! Fred, please hoover! Freda, please hide all the mess! Wakeen change the babiea nappy!) but it is recipricated and we want to help each other.

      I would agree with other suggestions to visit less, don’t stay over night and invite parents to you. Model the boundaries you see as reasonable and want. So what will make you and your partner happy.

    10. Sam Foster*

      Not normal. Some would consider it emotional abuse. Had a similar family dynamic and the only sane, healthy thing for me was to break away and dramatically reduce communication. I hope you find a solution that works for you.

    11. Temperance*

      I wouldn’t visit. That is not normal family behavior. You’re spending an entire weekend cleaning up after your parents, dealing with an unstable person (your mother), and missing time you could be spending at your home. Do you demand that your parents scrub YOUR home to your specifications? I have a funny feeling that they don’t even bother to see you.

      I’m on your partner’s side here, to be quite honest. Your family is toxic. That’s just not normal. You’re an adult, not their maid.

    12. AcademiaNut*

      I think it’s normal to pitch in for things like dishes, and to tidy up after yourself, and maybe wash the bed linens – things you might not do when staying with non family. And it is normal to help elderly parents with things they can’t physically do themselves, so visits with older parents can be hard physical work. But if you’re 30, and this is a long standing pattern, then it sounds like this isn’t the case.

      But yeah, if I were your partner, I’d develop need time alone on the weekends you went to visit, because a weekend of heavy labour and being temper-tantrumed at is something I’d do about once a year as a favour for my partner, not a couple times a month.

      How does your father view this? With his cooperation, you could drive up, meet him for a few hours over coffee, and drive home. If he backs your mother, it will be harder.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      My FIL said, “The reason you have children is to get them to do your work for you.”
      I said, “And how is that working out for you?”
      His kids avoided him like the plague. Even the simplest tasks were left for adult children.

      Society shifted and he did not get the memo. Maybe at one point it was up to the children to do everything for their parents but now that is just not even thinkable. No one has the time.
      The attitude is key. With FIL he felt entitled and it showed. Your mom, oth, is over the top.
      You are putting yourself through this 12 to 24 times a year? no. just no.

      Here is something to consider. We have a responsibility to our SOs. And one aspect of that responsibility is to protect them from toxic family members. I am not sure how that would look in your life, but for the health/happiness and longevity of your relationship please consider rethinking what you are doing here. Just because you go alone does not mean you have fully protected your other half. There are things to consider such as your other half would like to be with you and do stuff with you. And there are hidden costs such as if you come home tired and/or cranky because of dealing with this. Personally, I would get tense and cranky before the visit. There were times where I just was not my usual self. These things can hurt a relationship and partners can get tired of dealing with the side effects. Just something to think about.

      1. Temperance*

        My parents used to say the same thing, and were really angry when I declined to live with them after college, and even angrier when my sister moved out, too. I remember my mother complaining that she had to wash dishes, and I was like, okay, but Sister and I split that duty every day for something like 10 years, so quit whining.

        You are also totally correct re: SOs. My husband dealt with me acting like a total tool before any visit to my family or his because the dynamic wasn’t great.

    14. Sydney*

      No it’s not. I can see picking up after yourself, doing the dishes after dinner, changing the bed before leaving but not deep cleaning the whole house. She’s only throwing a fit because you’ll cave and do what she wants. You can always leave when she does this and come back when she’s willing to act reasonably.

    15. Senses*

      It’s not normal.

      Also, you didn’t ask about this, but the way you described your partner’s objections to visiting your family is a bit alarming. Wanting time alone, especially from toxic family members, is not an “excuse”; it’s a perfectly reasonable need. Heck, my in-laws are incredibly pleasant people and I still wouldn’t want to spend one or two weekends per month at their place. Your partner made a reasonable request; you shouldn’t dismiss that.

    16. Temperance*

      Uh, also, how are you “benefiting” from your parents’ hard work when you live independently? Hmm.

    17. Zinnia*

      Jumping on the bandwagon.

      Expected to help out bringing things down from the attic because Mom and Dad can’t manage the stairs, or help move that piece of furniture because Mom threw her back out – sure!

      Help clean up after eating the dinner Dad cooked – absolutely!

      Every day household tasks that have to be done whether you are there or not? Nope!

    18. Artemesia*

      This is ridiculous. If you stay with your folks then of course you clean up after yourself and should strip the bed for laundry and clean the bathroom you use and of course help with meals and cleanup BUT to do a bunch of chores, especially if the folks are not disabled is ridiculous and demeaning.

      If I were you, I would stop coming home this often. Make it every 3 mos. And your partner has the right idea. I had lots of time off in my career but my husband’s vacation time was more limited. My parents lived thousands of miles away and it was expensive to visit. I tried to get there for a week or two every year with the kids and if I had business on that coast I would take the kids to stay with their grandparents, but after a few years my husband often ‘had to work’ and couldn’t come — so we could preserve our vacation time as a family to actually vacation somewhere together. And my folks were lovely people (athough not a treat 24/7)

      You are an adult. Next month come once and leave your partner at home, because ‘he had to work this weekend). You had to ‘work the other weekends.’ Then in two months visit again but make plans to get together with an old friend for part of the time in your home city. Once you ACT without a lot of explanation, they will get used to it. And as for the chores. How about you just don’t do them? Clean the bathroom you use, but don’t get around to the others. Don’t argue about it, just don’t do it. And get those visits down to every 3 months and with your partner every 6 months. You will be surprised at how well you can set boundaries if you just assume you can.

      And if it makes you feel guilty then start making concrete plans for your weekends; hike with your partner, do volunteer work, organize a potluck sat night with friends i.e. have a busy life where you ‘don’t have time’ to run home and play Mommy’s little girl every week or two. When you are doing something it is easier to say ‘that won’t be possible.’

      Good luck. Your family is driving you away and deserves to see little of the adult you.

    19. Em*

      Agree with everyone that this is not normal, although as parents age, you do tend to have to help them with some things that they can’t manage on their own anymore.

      One other alternative — since you are only an hour from them, why not eliminate the overnight visits? Visit for the day or the morning/afternoon, help out a little where they really need you, and go home. You are close enough that I don’t see it as odd that you are going to visit once or twice a month, but I do find it odd that those are overnight trips.

    20. Hippie Chick*

      I highly recommend “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward. I have adult children who live in the same metro area. The most I have asked of them is to help move some furniture from one floor to another. I don’t expect them to clean my house, they don’t live here and I want their visits to be fun, relaxing, catching up with each other. Granted my standards are pretty relaxed, my house is clean enough to keep the health department away and dirty enough to be relaxing and real. IMHO, your mom is not treating you like an independent adult. The book has great recommendations for how to break the patterns.

  3. Merci Dee*

    We have officially finished with the first half of 2017. Didn’t we just finish up with the New Year holidays a few weeks ago . . . .? Oh, well. I guess what they say is true. Time flies when you’re getting old. :)

    1. Forrest Rhodes*

      I absolutely agree, Merci Dee, the days do seem to disappear quickly. My family’s standard question was “Doesn’t time fly when you’re havin’ fun … or sedated … ?”

      1. Merci Dee*

        Heh heh heh . . . my dad received a plaque for his last birthday, and it says, “Remember, as far as everyone knows we’re a nice, normal family.” So that’s pretty much become my family’s motto. :)

      1. Merci Dee*

        Hmmmm . . . I vaguely remember some rumors of a year that was called 2016 . . . .

      1. Merci Dee*

        I turned 40 back in March, and that was something of a revelation. I was a single parent heading into middle age. It took me just a minute or two to realize that I was okay with that. My daughter will be 13 in September (the teen years will be . . . interesting), I have a good job with a bunch of people I really enjoy, and I have family that likes to spend time together. And right around my birthday I also realized that, yes, I was finally in decent shape to buy a house. In all the ways that count, things have gone exceedingly well for me over the past decade. Believe me when I tell you that I thank God for this on a daily basis.

        I hope that your 30s bring you all sorts of wonderful growth, exciting adventure, absolute amazement, and every other good thing you could wish for!

        1. Freezer Beer*

          I bought my first – and only – house when I was almost 40. No kids, but I’m still living here and loving it! Go for it and get you a good yard-mowing/landscaping company and the name of a handy-man if you’re not handy. Best of luck!

          1. Merci Dee*

            I’ve been in my new place for just about 6 weeks now, and I adore it! Cherry on the cake – my kid and my cat love it, too! Best decision I’ve made in years.

    4. SaraV*

      I have a monthly task of purging year old documentation, and replacing it with the past month of documentation. The past three or four months I’ve been saying to myself “Didn’t I JUST do this?” Time certainly does fly…

      1. Merci Dee*

        I do several reports at the-place-that-cannot-be-named during the first week of the month, and it seems I’ve barely finished my reports before it’s the last week of the month, and I’m starting it all over again. I think reports are sucking my soul, actually.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I’ve been a fan of your comments for quite some time (not to mention your gorgeous hair in your profile pic!!), and it’s been disheartening to see what you’re going through lately. I’ve made a point of saying a little prayer for you every time I see a comment you’ve made for the day. So, basically, a random chick on the internet that you couldn’t pick out of a lineup is wishing good things for you! Hope that doesn’t creep you out too, too much! :)

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Aww, no it doesn’t. It is much appreciated!

          I often stop reading to threaten the universe on other people’s behalf, LOL, even if I don’t comment on their posts. It’s nice to know somebody is doing the same for me. <3

          1. Merci Dee*

            It might not be as effective as kicking someone with your skates, but I do what I can to try to improve things for others. :)

    6. Not So NewReader*

      My neighbor was just saying, “Yesterday I was 50 and I thought that 80 would be centuries away. Next year I turn 80. Where did that time go?”
      I have known her for 25 of those 30 years. And I, too, think that she was 50 yesterday. Time feels like it is standing still but it is not.

      1. Merci Dee*

        My former landlady is a dear, sweet woman – truly a saint to have put up with my daughter and me for years and years. She’s 87, and frequently talks about how quickly the years have gone. But she feels fortunate to have had as many of them as she has, and I wish her many more. She’s been like a grandmother to me, and she kept my daughter for daycare before kiddo started school. She’s been completely entwined in my life for over a decade, and no one will ever be able to fill the hole she will leave when she finally passes on.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          hmmm. I am feeling a card coming on for my neighbors just something like “thanks for being the best neighbors anyone could wish for…”. I think I will.

      2. Artemesia*

        And it really does get faster the older you get. The theory is is that it is because each year is a tinier fraction of our life. I remember how endless the summers were when I was 4 and 5 and my memories of those are clear — whole decades go by now and I am glad to have pictures.

        1. Merci Dee*

          I heard an interesting theory about this effect, as well. Basically, when you’re younger, so many more experiences are new because you’ve never done them before. They create something similar to recovery points in your memory. But the older you get, the fewer truly “new” experiences you have, so there are fewer markers for your memory to grab onto.

          Dunno if it’s true, but I can see it making sense.

  4. Shayland*

    My older dog (7) started showing symptoms of an incredibly bad UTI with possible kidney or bladder stones just a few hours after I got home from her annual wellness appointment. The past few days have been full of me running back to the clinic to pick up new drugs, waiting to here back test results, and managing her pain. I’m exhausted, and coupled with a couple other things (including the internet meanie I mentioned last week) I just totally fell off the productivity band wagon. I think that’s understandable, but I could use some help getting back on board.

    I spent this morning alternating between cleaning and lazing around playing video games. I’m just generally in a funk.

    Also, the dog’s ultra sound came back clear for stones and cancer, the vet said her bladder was “very very very very inflamed” and the grit she was eliminating could be seen. Her cultures also came back with no bacterial growth. So we have no idea why this is happening. (Poor baby.)

    1. Landshark*

      Poor baby! I hope the dog feels better soon. I know having a sick furbaby is never a fun experience.

    3. Former Employee*

      I hope your dog gets better soon. I used to get UTI’s because I wasn’t drinking enough water. Is she drinking water on a regular basis?

      1. Shayland*

        She constantly has access to fresh water, although she drinks far less than my other dog. I think I’ll ask my vet about how to introduce more liquids into her diet.

        1. Meredith*

          With out cat who wasn’t drinking enough, we mixed water into wet food to help him get more fluids. Talk to your vet, for sure!

          1. Joie De Vivre*

            Ditto what Meredith said – my cats weren’t drinking enough either. Giving them wet food with water worked for them. However, one of my cats won’t eat the food if you mix the food and water. But she will eat the food & drink all of the water if the I put the food in a bowl & pour the water around it. She has me trained well.

            Good luck with your fur baby.

          2. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

            When my roommate’s cat had the same problem, including inducing urinary problems because of it, we found that he wouldn’t drink extra water if it was plain water, but things like clam juice or the liquid that canned tuna and chicken were packed in got him going, and one way or another it was fluids going into his dumb little body. We diluted a quarter cup of clam juice in 3/4 cup water and he would suck a bowl dry in minutes.

            1. Shayland*

              This is super helpful advice. The only issue will be making sure my other dog stays away from the meat juice bowl. He gets enough water already, lol.

          3. Landshark*

            My parents make sure to mix some warm water into their dogs’ kibble and give them a few spoonfuls of wet food on top because they don’t always stay hydrated on their own. It seems to work wonders, and the dogs actually grew to prefer moist kibbles over dry food. If your dog isn’t too picky about food to be okay with eating that, this might be a good solution.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I can sympathize – my very elderly cat had a bad UTI in May and between all of the vet appointments, cleaning up after her, and just worrying, I wa a mess. Be kind to yourself and take a little down time. Sometimes giving yourself a break for a few days can help you get back into productive mode.

    5. Freezer Beer*

      I have no advice to offer, just a Poor Baby for your baby and you. Hope it straightens up soon!

    7. Djuna*

      Sympathetic internet hugs from me. I’ve been dealing with a 9 year-old cat who has just been diagnosed with kidney disease, it’s not at all fun (for either of us) and I’ve spent much of this weekend in similar funk to you. The vet kept my guy in overnight and flushed his kidneys, which seems to have put some pep back in his step.

      I don’t think anyone would judge you for being distracted – but keep telling yourself that you are doing the best you can for her, because you are. My boss told me that whether it is family or a pet, you do what you need to do, and don’t worry about work. That’s made it easier for me not to be hard on myself for being wooly-brained at work last week.

      +1 to what everyone said about getting her to drink water, plus feeding her wet food more than dry. I hope this was just one of those random things, and she’s feeling better soon.

  5. Vicky Austin*

    I think this has come up before, but I would love some suggestions on the best photo cloud storage as well as the costs associated with it. I know I am way behind the times on this.

    1. Amadeo*

      What about Google Photos? I haven’t used it much and don’t know what the storage cap is, but a 100gig Google Drive subscription is just a couple bucks a month.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Google Photos is free and unlimited, as long as your photos aren’t more than 16 megapixels each (and even then, you can still store backups—they’ll just be high quality instead of original quality).

    2. Kraziekat*

      If you get certain chrome books, you get 100 gig drive space included. You’re probably not looking to get one, but I thought I’d share, and there is photo shop apps you can put on them. (Look for Epik from walmart. We got one for 117 after taxes and it’s great!

    3. Kraziekat*

      Hey, it’s me again, I looked into google drive, and for 100 gigs, it’s 1.99 a month, or pay for a year at 19.99, or 1 Terrabyte for 19.99 a month, or 99.99 a month. I like google drive mainly because I have experience accessing it through loads of different platforms, Windows/andriod/chrome/iOS, with very rare problems.

    4. hermit crab*

      If you have Amazon Prime, you can get unlimited free photo storage. Of course, it only makes sense if you have Prime and plan to keep it, but it’s a good deal if you’d be paying for Prime anyway.

      1. Meredith*

        I was going to say, Prime. Very good deal even if you use only some membership benefits, in my opinion.

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Flickr gives you 1TB of storage for free, and gives you the best organizing tools (tags, albums, sets), and allows you to set privacy options at any level, including per photo. That said, I have both Google Drive and Dropbox, because both have their strengths, and I got in on Google Drive when storage was incredibly cheap. IMO the Dropbox app has the best approach to auto-uploading photos, allowing you to pause when your battery goes below a set percentage, and choose between just photos or photos and video, and has a wifi-only option, too.

    6. CAA*

      If you use MS Office applications, then look into an Office 365 subscription. It includes 1 TB of cloud storage and the OneDrive app that automatically backs up photos from your phones. It’s $100/yr for 5 users or $70/yr for 1 user, so the best deal is to split the cost with 4 others and get it for $20.

    7. Lizabeth*

      If you have an external backup drive already for your computer, consider editing down your photos to the ones you ready want to keep and store them there as well as burning back-up discs. External drives are pretty cheap these days.

      BUT the biggest question is how often do you go back through the photos? And from what device most often? Answers to those questions will help determine what you need for storage.

      1. Artemesia*

        In 20 years the digital pictures will probably be gone. Think about how fast technology has gone — from various forms of disks to now CDs and my most recent two computers don’t even have disk drives. So my plan is to make books of important events. I am working on an album of my kids’ childhood right now. I know that hard copy lasts ‘forever’ while digital is ephemeral; NASA can’t even read the data tapes of some of their early space flights. I have prints of my grandparents that are over 100 years old; I hope the great grandchildren will be able to look at the books I will be making. It is easy to make really lovely books on various platforms like Shutterfy and fun to do. I did both of my kids’ wedding albums and they are a lot nicer than the commercial one done for me back in the day.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Actually, I’ve got digital files that are almost 30 years old. I’ve had to open some of them and save them in a new format, but digital does not degrade, and can be preserved indefinitely. A physical photo can and will fade eventually, and that can’t be reverted, it can only be digitally restored. While digital image files haven’t been in common use for as long as physical photographs, I think digital files are more durable.

          1. Vicky Austin*

            Thanks everyone! I actually have a computer, back up, and prints. But, I have a fear of some natural disaster destroying everything….hense the need for “cloud” backup.

  6. AMD*

    Anyone with experience with hyperemesis gravidarum? I am on week 34, so the end is in sight, but after being told that morning sickness will end after week 12/16/20/ second trimester/”sometime soon, surely!”, and church folks and family asking “So you’re feeling better now, right?” on a weekly basis, I am kind of just depressed and want someone to tell the truth about when this ends.

    1. Kristie*

      Wow, I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this. Hope it gets better for you soon or at least that the time goes by quickly and you’ll soon have your baby!

    2. fposte*

      I’ve had two friends with it. It was really horrible. I think one ended up on a Zofran pump; at least it was considered. For both it ended with the birth with no problems, so hopefully you’ll be done with it soon!

    3. Caligirl*

      I was on both Zofran and Phenergan for the entire length of my pregnancy and I felt fantastic a few hours after my daughter was born. It was really like a switch had been flipped. Congratulations and I hope the next few weeks pass quickly!

      1. Muriel Heslop*

        My friend who had it said she felt the same way – like a switch had been flipped! It was like the baby came out and within an hour or two she felt fantastic.

        I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, AMD.

      2. Amadeo*

        Have not been pregnant, so this is perhaps an unfair tangent, but I’ve had both of those meds. How on earth did you ever stay away after taking a Phenergen dose? The Zofran is wonderful and I horded what I got after a little episode and it’s gone now, but should I ever need an anti-nausea/anti-emetic again, I will totally pay for the Zofran instead of allowing a script for the Phenergen – it didn’t work for me and just made me drowsy.

          1. Caligirl*

            I guess I was lucky and it didn’t start making me drowsy till the last month or so. I was also dealing with some other things like fainting every time I tried to stand, so I spent my days laying down. I much preferred Zofran though!

            1. AMD*

              There has been some recent controversy with Zofran – enough evidence that it may increase risk of birth defect that it isn’t prescribed regularly anymore, though some doctors are skeptical about the strength of the evidence.

              It is so, so good to hear that it should go away when the baby is born! I have hoped, but I kind of can’t remember what it’s like to not worry about throwing up anymore so I was a little resigned too. ^_^

    4. Former Employee*

      I can’t locate the book now, but Dr. Atul Gawande has a chapter on this in his book “Complications”. No one seems to know why it happens. The woman profiled in the book was fine after she gave birth.

    5. Gen*

      I finally stopped being sick when my son stopped growing (35 weeks) but was very nauseous for 3 weeks after he was born (which would have put the nausea stopping at 40 weeks if he hadn’t been early). I’m sorry to say my mom was still vomitting 6 weeks after I was born. It really is different for everyone.

      1. AMD*

        Oh noooo. Good to know going in that it’s a possibility though… thanks for the heads-up.

    6. Clever Name*

      My friend who had it with all 4 of her pregnancies said it ended when her babies were born. It really sucks and nobody should have to go through what you’re going through.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      You and the Duchess of Cambridge (Kate Middleton). Apparently she had it with both kids.
      No experience with it, but I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. :(

    8. Jules the First*

      No babies here (yet), but I had “morning sickness” for the first day of my period every.single.month for ten years before my mother caved and let me go on the pill. It’s the number two reason I’m not pregnant yet (number one being a shortage of funds)

      1. hermit crab*

        Huh, that’s really interesting. I’ve also never been pregnant but had “morning sickness” for a week or two every time I switched pills or went back on the pill after stopping for a while (now I have an IUD, so no more of that nonsense!). I also had a nausea disorder in my early-mid 20s that may have been hormone-linked (google “cyclical vomiting,” if you dare). It cleared up on its own about five years ago, but fear of HG is still #2 on my list reasons of why I haven’t gotten pregnant (though the first one is “we’re not sure we want kids” so that will probably win out in the end, haha).

        AMD, I hope you feel better soon!

    9. blackcat*

      If you are still sick to week 34, you will be sick until the baby comes, at least. One friend who had HG only had it clear up about 4-6 weeks after the baby was born. She couldn’t breast feed because she had basically starved the entire pregnancy. I think that is basically the worst case scenario. Baby is a happy and healthy 4 year old and it is all a distant memory now (though the 4 year old is/will be an only child. My friend isn’t going to risk a similar pregnancy again). My friend is healthy, too. About 5 months after the birth, she was back up at her pre-pregnancy weight (she was ~30lbs lighter when she gave birth, bottomed out about ~45lbs lighter at 2-3 weeks pp).

      Seems more common that HG resolves soon after birth. Hoping that’s the case for you!

    10. Hippie Chick*

      My daughter had the same DX during her pregnancy. Baby was due the first week of January. Daughter took the last pill on Christmas eve, and knew she would have to grit her teeth to the birth because they didn’t want to buy a whole prescription for a week. She went into labor several hours later and the baby was born Christmas day. Baby and mother did fine, baby is growing totally normally.

    11. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

      6 weeks postpartum for me. Now, it wasn’t as severe those last six weeks, but it was definitely there and impacting me still.

      But I’ll be honest – I had very mild nausea the first trimester. In fact, it was around week 13 that the HG started for me. By week 14 when my husband hauled me to my OB, I had lost 10 lbs and needed IV hydration. God bless Zofran, what I called my “happy pill”. As long as I maintained the zofran every 8 hours, I could function. If I was delayed a bit, it would typically take 24-48 hours for me to get things back under control.

      I also delivered at 36 weeks. And really, I don’t think I’ve completely recovered 7 years later. It’s probably much more mental than physiological, but I’m ultra sensitive to smells and easily nauseated now.

  7. Landshark*

    My husband and I closed on a house yesterday! So, on one hand, yay moving expenses and debt… on the other hand, we have a house now and it’s a way better commute for both of us! I’m really excited, so I thought it was worth sharing.

      1. Landshark*

        This is our first house together, though we’ve been living together in our apartment since 2014!

  8. bassclefchick*

    I am SO EXCITED!!! I’m going to Summerfest tomorrow in Milwaukee, WI! Haven’t been there in years. I have tickets to see P!nk!!! She is one of my favorites and I am so glad I’m going to get to see her live.

    What music festivals/artists are you excited to see this summer?

    1. Kristie*

      I’m going to see Nickelback at the Mohegan Sun casino in a few weeks. Super excited! We saw them back in 2006 when we were dating and it will be neat to see them again now that we’re married.

    2. the gold digger*

      Primo got a free lawn pass to see Paul Simon last night. He was happy. :)

      I am looking forward to seeing The Spinners on closing night. I have already blocked my calendar for Monday morning – I want no 8:00 a.m. meetings after a 9:30 concert.

      1. fposte*

        OMG the Spinners were huge in my childhood soundtrack. That sounds like a wonderful concert–have fun!

        1. the gold digger*

          They were at Summerfest a couple of years ago and were fabulous! They can still put on a show.

          Kool and the Gang were here last year. I kept waiting for them to play, “Get Down Tonight.” Then I realized that all bands that start with “K” are not KC and the Sunshine Band. Which was still fine, because Kool and the Gang are also great.

    3. Mimmy*

      I’ve never considered myself a P!nk fan, but I would love to see her live.

      In August, we’re going to Atlantic City to see The Revolution, Prince’s former band from the Purple Rain days. They’ve been back together and touring for the last year or so. Really excited!!

    4. Jessesgirl72*

      I love P!nk! She’s my absolute favorite!

      No Summerfest for us this year, and I wish y’all would stop backing up traffic. LOL

      And don’t forget your rain poncho! 86 and stormy tomorrow.

    5. Nervous Accountant*

      I’m seeing Hanson in September, a 20 year childhood dream come true!!!! *SQUEEEEEE*

      1. Mimmy*

        I didn’t know they were still touring! I remember seeing them on some summer TV show a couple years ago; they did MMMBop, and it was surprisingly good!

      2. Audiophile*

        I look back fondly on my Hanson phase, though I’m pretty sure everyone else who was in my life at that time does not. I was pretty obsessed.
        Have fun at the concert!

    7. Temperance*

      I saw Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me on Thursday and I’ve seeing John Mullaney at the end of the month.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Not going anywhere, but if I could pick anyone, I’d want to see James Vincent McMorrow. He has a new album out called True Care and it’s brill.

    9. SL #2*

      I am going to a new festival out here in September called High and Low Fest; it’s sponsored by KROQ, so I feel safe with trusting them to handle logistics and booking in a responsible, safe way.

      It also helps that two of my favorite bands are on the bill and I never imagined they would be because of how different the genres are.

    10. Jen RO*

      I doubt anyone here ever heard of Ayreon, but it’s prog metal, basically one guy who puts out albums with 10-15 guests (and they change for every album). The logistics make touring impossible, but in September they have 3 specials concerts scheduled in Netherlands and guess who has tickets! Floor Jansen, Anneke van Giersbergen and Marco Hietala on the same stage, aaah!

    11. Fenchurch*

      Enjoy! I’ve been to Summerfest twice already this year (love the promotional get-in-free days!). Planning on going this Friday to see Walk The Moon!

      Some day I will make it to Eaux Claires. Some day.

  9. Myrin*

    I just finished making apricot and raspberry jam (not mixed; I did a few glasses with apricots and a few with raspberries) – first time with the paritcular recipes and I’m excited to see how they’ll turn out. So far, my taste-tester (my mum) approves, but they’re not even really set yet so the final judgment is still pending.

    Are any of you guys jam-makers? Canners? If so, is there something you do regularly? What are some of your favourites?

    1. Lady Jay*

      I do refrigerator jam, basically boiling fruit down with sugar until it reaches a jam like consistency. I add balsamic vinegar (very good with strawberries) and it keeps for ages. Yummy!

      1. the gold digger*

        We have a pear tree, so I make a lot of pear jam. And this guy at work keeps giving me rhubarb, so I have made rhubarb marmalade.

        I am very careful to tell people when it is refrigerator jam vs processed and I assumed everyone did that. Then I learned that some friends had been giving me un-processed jam that they had not refrigerated. When I found out, I told them you know, people can die from that and I got the, “But that’s how my grandmother did it!” argument.

        1. Katie the Fed*

          I honestly don’t really eat jam from friends unless I’ve actually seen them can it. I’d rather do my own because I know my safety standards.

          I’m jealous of your rhubarb – I’ve had a hard time getting it to grow here.

          2. Workaholic*

            We used to get 3 or 4 harvests of rhubarb a year. But it was planted right outside the dryer vent area with southern exposure and as such was the first thing growing every year

        2. Lady Jay*

          Oh, lord. No, refrigerator jam is absolutely kept in the refrigerator. Hence the name. :)

          I’m told it’s not *that* hard to can, but the potential for things to go disastrously wrong makes me nervous, so I stick to the stuff in the refrigerator. Tastes delicious.

    2. Marzipan*

      I quite often make jars of hedgerow jelly – with blackberries, cherry plums, damsons, apples, rowan, rosehips, whatever I can find, really.

    3. The RO-Cat*

      Here we’re big on canning all sorts of fruit and veggies for winter. In my family there’s no winter without jams made of: plum, apricot, strawberry, mirabelle, cherries (bitter cherries, sour cherries), green tomatoes, squash (also pickled, it’s madness), quince (also as jelly – rare treat), wild strawberries, apples (preserved ready-to-fill for apfelstrudels). Also, compotes (fruits in sweet syrup).

      On the savoury side: lots of a vegetal spread called “zacusca” (essentially eggplants and bell peppers, fried on open flame, then boiled with oil and spices); pickles (cucumbers, eggplants, green tomatoes, cabbage, our own kimchi recipe, plums, grapes, watermelons, squash or zucchini etc). All the feverish autumn activity explainable by our communist heritage – either you did it yourself or you starved.

    4. Katie the Fed*

      I love canning, but I found I wasn’t consuming or giving enough jam away to continue making it.

      Although I LOVE to can sour cherries in bourbon syrup. Everyone loves to get it as gifts – so good on ice cream and spoons. I also do refrigerator pickles – I have a few quarts of pickled carrots. And I make some unique stuff – last year I canned a bunch of Ketchup Aux Verts – a quebecois green relish made from green tomatoes at the end of the season. It’s really good on meatloaf.

    5. Liane*

      Haven’t done any sort of canning in so many years. My dad & I used to can when I was a teen. All kinds of stuff, mostly jellies and high acid vegetables like pickles and his “Clone” of Del Monte’s Italian style zucchini.

      Dad liked the DM version so he made his own based off the ingredients list on their can–cubed zucchini, diced onions, lots of diced tomatoes to make the sauce, and possibly some diced green pepper. I can’t come up with quantities, because Dad’s idea of a recipe was “Whatever and however much I think it needs.”
      ___
      If we get to move up to family property next year and he actually does a big garden/greenhouse, I may get back into canning. First I am going to insist he get us a proper pressure canner, so I can do low-acid veggies that can’t be safely done open-kettle.

    6. Anonyby*

      Lemon stuff is my most common canned item (lots of lemon jelly!), mostly because I have a dwarf lemon tree, and it’s hard to go through all the fruit. And access to other lemon trees that are even more prolific. I basically have no excuse to not use fresh lemon. :)

      I will use whatever fruit I can get in bulk for cheap. One year it was a friend’s plums. My first year, my mother’s coworker had gone blueberry picking with her mother and gave me a whole flat of blueberries. That made a lot of jam!

    7. Natalie*

      I garden a pretty big plot, so inevitably I end up with some stuff to can every year. I pickled peppers and carrots last year; I will probably end up putting up some tomatoes this year.

      The only thing I do annually thus far is apple butter, but once my class is over I’d like to expand my jam/fruit butter options.

      1. PLORP*

        One of our local farmers does seconds peaches by the box and we always get one 4th of July weekend to make peach jam and peach salsa. Some years we also make corn salsa (this is one of those years). We were going to make enchilada sauce and ordered the tomatoes and then realized that we loaned our pressure canner to my aunt, so we are scrambling to find some new recipes to use up the tomatoes.

        Other times of the year we make various jellies: roselle(hibiscus) Jelly, mint jelly, and champagne jelly for Christmas presents. Cranberry pepper jelly is another winter one. And green apple butter. We make blueberry jelly in the summer if we get to the blueberry bushes by my aunt’s house. We’ve made other random jellies/jams/marmalades over the years when people have give us things to use. I can’t eat marmalade, so we don’t do that u less someone hands us a bag of citrus.

    8. Workaholic*

      Apple butter. I leave the sugar out though because Apple’s are plenty sweet enough

    9. Artemesia*

      I am an utter jam failure. Years ago I diligently followed a recipe for making plum jam with natural pectin in the fruit — I ended up with a gallon of plum syrup which we used on french toast and it was lovely. Then I recently tried freezer strawberry jam which my mother used to make and it was great — but mine didn’t jell. Now I just make rhubarb sauce and go a little light on the water and end up with something I enjoy on bread.

  10. Myrin*

    That is a delightful picture of Eve!

    Which reminds me – Alison, is she still the shiest scaredy-cat among your lot or has that completely vanished? I recently remembered about the time when you got her and how you later said she continuously came out of her shell but I’m interested to know if part of her early behaviour might be her personality as well or if it was just the particular situation she was in.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I think it was just the situation. She was basically feral when we got her and clearly thought we were predators and it took her a long time to trust us. But now, as long as it’s just us, she’s completely relaxed, adores affection, wants nothing more than to be petted all the time, and is possibly the happiest cat I’ve ever known. She recently learned she likes to speak, and she’s been expanding her repertoire of happy sounds. But when strangers are around, she reverts to her feral roots and hides. After the mobile vet was here, she hid in the bathtub for hours. Aside from strangers, though, she’s very chill. I’m curious to see how she’s going to react to the new house.

      1. Jessesgirl72*

        Our super-shy cat is actually okay with moves. We always leave his cat carrier out and open for him, and the cat tree is like the first piece of furniture put in place, always. So as long as he has his usual places to hide- under his same couch that still smells like him, even if it’s in a new place- he’s been okay. A little skittish, but he is still a cat and will come out to cautiously explore if he thinks no one is looking. The only time he really freaked out was when we moved cross country into a temporary apartment until we closed on our house, so all we had was clothes and inflatable mattresses and the few essentials we would cram into the car. He and the other at- and they were NOT friends- ended up hiding together in a single carrier for a couple days, and I kept open an empty lower cabinet for them in the kitchen. But then he discovered the room his litter box was in had nice wide window sills that looked down onto a street with people and things- but up high where they couldn’t get him- as we’d never lived downtown in a city before, and all was well.

    1. Allypopx*

      It’s hard to see clearly when you’re that close to something. Good luck, I’m glad you have a plan.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      You’re sounding really good here, clear thinking and eyes wide open. And for that part, I am very happy for you.

      Some stuff is like house mold. We notice that something is not quite right, then think nothing further of it. Then one day we notice the entire wall is covered with mold. And how did it get this far so fast? Or was it there all a long? hmm. Sometimes our eyes suddenly fly wide open, we get insight we did not have before. Expect these insights/new clarity to occur more often. And these insights may be in UNrelated aspects of your life. The common thread you will be able to find is that these insights benefit you in some way. I think that is because once we decide to look at things with fresh eyes, we start seeing more things we missed before.
      Keep going, you’re getting stronger and stronger.

      1. Commenter previously known as something lazy*

        Also we have a bad mould problem in the house and I keep being horrified by how bad it is so your analogy made me laugh (and remember I have to sort it out!).

      2. nep*

        Well said and so spot on – ‘he could turn violent if I leave’ can only mean get the hell out.
        All the best to you. Peace.

      3. (Not So) Codependent*

        This is a great analogy and exactly what happened in my own marriage. To further it…creeping mold often makes you low-level sick in ways you don’t really realize until you clear it out and remember (or learn!) what it feels like to be fully healthy.

        Best of luck to you, Previously Known As.

    3. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      “How did I not see?!”

      I think most of us who have dealt with that could say the same. It’s especially true of emotional abuse — it’s so damn insidious! And you’ve taken that hard first step — admitting that this situation is untenable. That can be so hard.

      I’m the child of divorced parents, and my biological father is a nightmare in human form — so from the kid’s perspective, yes, get out!

    6. Artemesia*

      I hope you have done a medical power attorney to a relative (best if possible) or a good friend. I remember when my brother was divorcing that I encouraged him to do that asap and he had already done that — imagine having your very angry ex but not yet divorced wife in charge of you if you had a stroke or something?

      I assume you have also got your financial ducks in a row particularly documenting all assets, taxes, insurance etc and have that paperwork documentation outside the home.

  12. Sugar of lead*

    So here’s a fun game to play with someone from a different part of the country/world:

    1. What do you call the footwear worn for sports and PE class?
    2. What do you call the multi-lane road used for traveling long distances at high speeds?
    3. What do you call the fizzy drink that comes in cans or bottles?
    4. What do you call the basket on wheels that you put things in at the store?
    5. What’s your second person plural pronoun (you-plural)?
    6. How do you pronounce the following: aunt, pecan, caramel, apricot, en route, data, crayon, and envelope?

    Post your answers and where you’re from, and let’s see how diverse we are around here.

    1. Bigglesworth*

      I’m from the center of the US. Here are my answers –

      1. Tennis shoes
      2. Highway
      3. Soda
      4. A Cart
      5. You all or y’all or all y’all (this one usually gives me away;) )
      6. I’m not quite sure how to write down my answers to this one….

      1. Purple snowdrop*

        North England:
        1. What do you call the footwear worn for sports and PE class?
        Trainers. However we also have pumps or plimsolls, and a lot of people round here call plimsolls sand shoes. I had no idea what school meant by sand shoes on the uniform list!

        2. What do you call the multi-lane road used for traveling long distances at high speeds?
        Motorway.

        3. What do you call the fizzy drink that comes in cans or bottles?
        Pop. Or fizzy pop.

        4. What do you call the basket on wheels that you put things in at the store?
        Trolley

        5. What’s your second person plural pronoun (you-plural)?
        You!

        6. How do you pronounce the following: aunt, pecan, caramel, apricot, en route, data, crayon, and envelope?
        Ant
        PEE-can
        KAR-a-mel
        A-pri-cot
        On root
        dayta
        Kray-on
        On-ve-loap

        1. Annie Mouse*

          I’m the same sort of area as Purple snowdrop but not a local and the only difference is I say aunt as ‘aren’t’. And where I’m from we don’t use pop, we call it by the brand/type but I’ve learnt to use pop since I’ve been up here!!

        2. Kat*

          Oh, sandshoes is a Scottish thing, that’s what we called them when I was at school (although not sure why it extended to North England!). Even though they were never used with any sand. (?)

      2. Freezer Beer*

        I’m from north Texas
        1. tennie shoes
        2. highway
        3. coke
        4. buggy
        5. y’all or all y’all
        6. ant when talking about them, aint when saying their name “Aint Florence”, “Aint Martha”, etc.
        puh-CAHN
        CAR-mel
        APE-ri-cot
        on-ROOT
        DAY-tuh
        CRAY-on
        ON-vuh-lope

        1. Freezer Beer*

          On #3, it’s all coke. So you’ll get the question “what kind of coke do you want?” and you can answer “Dr. Pepper”.

          1. apparently not the only fashion designer here*

            +1

            The correct answer to “what kind of coke?” is Dr Pepper, always. (which is actually spelled without the period, by the way!)

        2. apparently not the only fashion designer here*

          Also from north Texas, and the only things I say differently are:

          4. cart
          6. ant – always
          app-ri-cot
          in-vee-lope

    2. Caledonia*

      Scotland.
      1) plimsols
      2) dual carriage way or motorway
      3) pop (or fizzy juice)
      4) trolley
      5) you (!!?) You guys? Everyone?
      6) exactly how they are spelt, except data which I say dayta and ape-ricot.

    3. Lady Jay*

      1. Sneakers
      2. Interstate/highway
      3. Soda
      4. Shopping cart
      5. Y’all
      6. Aunt = pronounced like ant
      Pecan = pe-kahn
      Apricot = with an “a” as an “apple”
      En route = aen root
      Data = long a, as in “anger”
      Drayon = CRAE-on; envelope = ONvelope

      (Sorry, can’t figure out how to do all the phonetic spellings!)

      I was born & raised in the Midwest/Great Plains, but my mom is from the Northeast, and that affects my word choice/pronunciation, I think.

      1. Bethlam*

        I love maps, and I love linguistics, language, etc., so that link was a real treat on a Monday morning!

    5. Canadian Natasha*

      Obviously I’m from Canada. (English-speaking Western Canada to be more specific)

      1. Runners
      2. Highway
      3. Pop
      4. Shopping cart
      5. You (or “you guys”)
      6. Ant- like the bug (some people say ont but that sounds snobby to me), pē-CAN (rhymes with van), cāre-ah-mell, ĀY-prick-ot, on rōōt, dah-tu (or dāy-tu), CRĀY-on, ON-vell-ōpe

      I’m curiousto see how many variations we get! :)

      1. Canadian Natasha*

        I used vowels with a line like ā to indicate hard vowels (ay, ee, iy, owe, and you sounds) and vowels without to indicate soft sounds (ah, eh, ih, oh, uh). Syllable emphasis is capitalized.

    6. Amadeo*

      From the Midwest, southernmost IL:

      1. Tennis Shoes
      2. Highway/Interstate
      3. Soda
      4. Cart
      5. Y’all/all y’all
      6. ant, peck-an, car-mel, ape-rih-cot, ahn root, day-ta, cray-on, ahn-vel-ope.

    7. Claire (Scotland)*

      1. Trainers
      2. Motorway
      3. Fizzy juice or soft drink.
      4. Trolley
      5. You
      6. Ant, pee-khan, kha-ra-mel, aa-prih-cot, on root, day-ta, kray-on, en-veh-lope (as close as I can get them to phonetic)

      I’m from Edinburgh, Scotland.

    8. Marzipan*

      From the UK (southerner):

      1- Trainers. Maybe plimsolls for the really PE class-specific ones.
      2- Motorway
      3- Fizzy pop, or maybe just ‘a fizzy drink’
      4- Trolley
      5- You
      6- aren’t, pee-can, karra-mel, apricot with the ‘a’ as in ‘hay’, on root, day-ta, kray-on, onvelope.

    9. Zona the Great*

      Southwestern US
      Tennis shoes
      Highway
      Coke
      Cart
      You guys
      Ant, peecan, carmul, apricot with an a like ant, in route (and on suite for some reason), dayta, invelope.

    10. Cruciatus*

      1. Sneakers
      2. Highway
      3. Pop/Soda (but never soda pop).
      4. Cart/Shopping cart
      5. Ya’ll or “Hey everyone”
      6. Ant. Pee-can/Puh-cahn/pee-can, care-a-mel, app-ruh-cot, on route, datuh, kran, onvelope.
      Honestly, most of these vary with how I’m using the word. And once I start thinking about it, I no longer remember how I actually say it. I live in an area that had people traveling through once upon a time, so multiple pronunciations aren’t weird here, but some are definitely more popular than others. I just asked my sister the same questions and she said everything I did, almost verbatim, including it depends on how a word is being used.

      1. Cruciatus*

        I went back and accidentally added pee-can twice, so there isn’t a third pronunciation I have for that word, I just missed I had already written it. Oops! I’m in Northwest PA.

        1. anon24*

          Interesting that I read your list and knew you were from PA and our answers match, but my pronunciations are different and I’m originally from southeast PA.

          1. Cruciatus*

            Truly, ask me on another day and I will have a different pronunciation for you. I need someone to “catch me” say these things when I’m not self conscious about it! The only ones that I know I don’t change are “ant” for aunt, “app-ruh-cot” for apricot, “on root” for en route, and “kran” for crayon. I just realized now that the en route part was likely whether one says root or rout.

    11. StrikingFalcon*

      I’m from the northeast of the US

      1. Sneakers
      2. Highway (and the road that runs alongside it is an access road)
      3. Soda
      4. Shopping cart
      5. You guys
      6. Ant or Awnt (but as a title, like Aunt Meagan, always ant); pee-can (but it’s pee-cawn pie); caer-mel or car-mel; a-pri-cot (short a as in cat), ehn root (but route by itself is rowt), daeta, crae-yawn, ehn-vel-ope

      1. Ex-Michigander*

        Hmm, never heard access road. I always called it a service drive.

        Where I am now they usually call it a frontage road.

        2. TL -*

          Feeder road, if you really want to locate yourself (Houston but it’s made its way down to south Texas as well.)

    12. Undine*

      California
      1. Running shoes or training shoes (but when I was a kid, they were sneakers. The other things didn’t exist.)
      2. Freeway (can’t believe I’m the first on that)
      3. Coke (or other brand/type name — don’t really use the generic)
      4. shopping cart
      5. You or you guys
      6. ant, pecahn, care-a-mel, app-ruh-cot, on root, day-ta, cray-on, onvelope

      1. nonprofit manager*

        I am also from California (Southern) and for #2, I call it a freeway if it’s in an urban/suburban area. If not, I call it a highway.

      2. Dead Quote Olympics*

        Yup, grew up in California and those are mostly true for me except when I autocorrect to highway or pop (living in the Midwest now).

        The big difference is I say “ahhhh-nt” like a New Englander because that’s how my dad and my New England cousins referred to all our aunts and for some reason that stuck when I was a kid.

        I grew up in the Central Valley of California and as far as I know we are the only people on earth who say “ah-mond” — like the a in “at” or “Atlantic” — for almond.

    13. Jen*

      American, moved around a lot but mostly midwest and Southwest:

      1. Sneakers (but will say tennis shoes)
      2. Highway
      3. Soda
      4. Shopping Cart
      5. You guys, occasionally Y’all
      6. Ant, Pee-cahn, Care-a-mel, Ah(like ant)-pri-coht, on root, dayta, cray-on, on-vell-ope.

      1. Jen*

        I’ll add that I occasionally will pronounce “soda” with a hardcore midwestern o, like Minnesoooota.

    14. Don't turn this name into a hyperlink*

      Grew up Hawai’i with aMom from California and a Dad from Ney, so here goes:

      1. Covered shoes
      2. Don’t remember what it’s called
      3. Soda
      4. Shopping card
      5. You
      6. Ant for me, ahnt or ahntie for everyeone else
      pee-KAHN
      CAR-a-mel
      APE-ri-cot
      on root
      DAY-ta
      CRAY-on
      en-ve-lope

      1. Don't turn this name into a hyperlink*

        Actually, 2 alternates between highway and freeway.

    15. nep*

      What a fun game.
      Midwest US
      Tennis shoes (sometimes sneakers)
      Freeway
      Pop
      Cart
      You guys (though I and some family members often say ‘yunz’ as we’ve got relatives and have spent time in Pittsburgh)

    16. TL -*

      Texas is where I grew up
      1) tennies is what I call them but tennis shoes is acceptable too.
      2) highway and freeway but I tend towards highway
      3) coke or soda water
      4) shopping cart
      5) y’all or all y’all
      6) crayon like crown except they sound distinctly different and I can’t pin down why.

    17. Pet sitter*

      1. Sneakers or tennis shoes
      2. It’s probably a highway but there are other words for variations on “highway”
      3. Soda
      4. Cart
      5. You all, y’all
      6…
      – Aunt: both ways
      – Pecan: both ways
      – Caramel: the first syllable like “care,” not like “car,” though I use that sound in “caramelize”
      – Apricot: the first syllable like “app,” not “ape”
      – En root: “en root”
      – Data: the first syllable like “day”
      – Crayon: “crayin” if I’m not paying attention
      – Envelope: “on-velope”

      From the Southern U.S.

      1. Pet sitter*

        I meant to change my username, but w/e. Enjoy a random pet sitter’s regionalisms.

    18. anon24*

      1. Sneakers (or cleats depending what sport!)
      2. Highway
      3. Soda
      4. Shopping cart
      5. Guys (guys is 100% gender neutral around here)
      6. Ant, pi-con (not pie) or pee-con, either care-mel or care-a-mel, ape-ri-cot, en rowt, date-a, not sure how to write crayon but it’s got a l at the end before the n!, en-va-lope

      I’m in central Pennsylvania but I grew up in the Philadelphia suburbs and still talk like that. People around here tend to stare when I talk and I only moved 100 miles from home!

    19. Anonyby*

      Born & raised California.

      1. Sneakers (sometimes tennis shoes)
      2. Highway / Freeway
      3. Soda soda soda! lol
      4. (Shopping) Cart
      5. You
      6. Ant, pee-KAHN, CAYR-mel, AY-prih-cot, en rauwt (dipthongs are hard to do this way!), DAY-ta, CRAY-yon, EN-vel-ohp

    20. Ex-Michigander*

      I’m from Michigan, but influenced by New Yorker parents. Living in the Mountain West now.

      1. Sneakers
      2. Highway or freeway, I feel like there’s a distinction but I can’t remember it? Highways let on to local roads and freeways have more controlled entrances/exits?
      3. SODA.
      4. Cart
      5. Guys? You all?
      6. aUnt, pee-can, care-a-mel, apri-cot, en root, dah-tah, cray-yon, envel-lope?

      1. Native Michigander*

        1. I grew up saying “tenner shoes,” have never seen this in print and know it was supposed to be “tennis shoes” but would have felt horribly pretentious saying tennis anything. Now I go with “sneakers” or more accurately with my shoes, walking shoes.
        2. Expressway or highway
        3. Pop… but now I never call it anything because I don’t know anyone who drinks it. Coke, generically, or DPC for Diet Pepsi Cola back when I was an addict.
        4. Cart
        5. You guys or just you, y’all if I’m feeling Ypsituckian
        6. Ant (aUnt was how black folks said it in my region, or perceived as snobby white folks), pee-can, car-mel, apricot (is there more than one way to say this?), Day-tah (like the guy), cran (rhymes with can), en- or on-velope.
        But how do you guys say “milk” and “wash?” And I wonder if ex-Michigander is from different parts than I am? (Was too far south to have a Yooper accent.)

        1. Another Michigan Native*

          Also from Michigan, and mine are pretty much like yours, except:
          1. tennishoes (all one word-never felt pretentious.)
          2. or freeway if in the city.
          3. Pop. For this one, I feel pretentious if I say soda.
          5. you guys, never y’all. And sometimes I say yous but I don’t know anyone else who says that.
          6. If ice cream, it’s butter pecahn. App ricot as opposed to Ape ricot. And dayta or datta depending on how it’s used.
          Milk is sort of melk, and wash is waush–even thought my mom said warsh:)

      2. CorruptedbyCoffee*

        I’m from Michigan and I’ve never heard someone say soda! Around my area it was always pop. Also, tennis shoes, and freeway. A weird one I had trouble with after moving to the west: balsamic. There’s a definite pronunciation difference and servers kept correcting me.

    21. Liane*

      1. What do you call the footwear worn for sports and PE class? Sneakers, tennis shoes, or running shoes
      2. What do you call the multi-lane road used for traveling long distances at high speeds? Highway or interstate
      3. What do you call the fizzy drink that comes in cans or bottles? soda
      4. What do you call the basket on wheels that you put things in at the store? cart or buggy
      5. What’s your second person plural pronoun (you-plural)? You all
      6. How do you pronounce the following: aunt, pecan, caramel, apricot, en route, data, crayon, and envelope?
      Ant
      Pee-con
      Kar-mul
      App-rah-cot
      En-root
      Day-ta
      Krā-on
      En-vah-lope (rhymes with “rope”)

      I was born & raised in Florida.

      Notes: Dad lived all over the Deep South & Florida, but my Mom was from Pennsylvania–so my accent has always been mixed up and has probably gotten odder in the 10 years I’ve lived in Arkansas. I always ask people who comment on it where they thought I was from, and common guesses are Wisconsin, New England, and New York state (but my NY native friend says I don’t have any sort of NY accent)

      1. acmx*

        I’m born/from Florida and spent most of my childhood in Florida (north)
        1. Tennis shoes, sneakers and later in life running shoes
        2. Highway or freeway
        3. Soda
        4. Cart
        5. Y’all and all y’all
        6. Ant. Now I’d probably say Aunt.
        Pee-can early on, pee-con
        Kar-mul (unless I’m reading it and then care-uh-mel
        App-ri-cot
        En-root
        day-ta
        Krā-on
        En-vah-lope

        I’d say I don’t have much of an accent. I also talk fast.

    22. CAA*

      California native
      1. Tennis shoes
      2. Freeway
      3. Soda
      4. Cart
      5. You (or you guys)
      6. ahnt, pe-CAHN, care-ah-mell, AP-ri-cot, en root, DAY-tah, CRAY-on, EN-ve-LOPE

    23. NJ Anon*

      Sneakers
      Highway
      Soda
      Cart
      You? Isnt it both? Or you all?
      Ant, pee can, cara mel, apri cot, en root, cray on, en ve lope

      2. Gitty*

        Hey finally a perfect match to what I say- and funnily enough I’m in NJ too guess regional words are a real thing even in a boring place like nj

    24. Turkletina*

      1. Sneakers
      2. Highway
      3. Soda
      4. Carriage
      5. y’all
      6. [ant], [‘pikæn], [‘kaɹml], [æpɹɪkɔt], [ɔn ɹut], [deɪɾə], [‘kɹeɪjɔn], [anvəlowp]

      I’m from (Eastern) New England, and I’m also a linguist.

      1. Loopy*

        I was going to start crying if no one else said carriage. I’ve been mocked everywhere I moved for using that term! I was beginning to think it was ONLY me!!!

        (I’m from New England too :) )

    25. AlaskaKT*

      1. Tennis shoes
      2. Two lanes is highway, 4 or more is freeway
      3. Soda
      4. Grocery cart
      5. Y’all or all y’all
      6. Ant, pea-CON, car-Amel, a-pri-cot, in root, dayta, cra-yon, and en-vi-lope

    26. Miso*

      1. Sportschuhe
      2. Autobahn
      3. Softdrinks or Limonade
      4. Einkaufswagen
      5. ihr
      6. Probably wrong

      Did I do this right? ;P

      2. Arkansas*

        Miso has my favorite answers. ;-)

        I’m from Arkansas – ARK an saw.
        1. Tennis/running shoes
        2. Highway/interstate
        3. Soda. Or coke (small “c,” not the brand)
        4. Cart. Has changed from “buggy” over past 25-30 years.
        5. Y’all in central/southern part of state. Natives of the northwest Arkansas mountains say you-uns.
        6. Ant, piCON, CAR-a-mel, APE-ri-cot, on root, DAY-ta, CRAY-on, IN/ON-vuh-lope.

    27. extra anon*

      I grew up on the east coast of Canada.

      1. Sneakers
      2. Highway
      3. Pop
      4. Cart
      5. You or Guys or Everyone I guess, depending on the situation. Occasionally I’ll use they or them as well.
      6. Ant/Pee-can/Care-ah-mel/Ah-pri-cot/On root/Day-ta/Cray-on/En-veh-loap

    28. WellRed*

      Sneakers.
      Depends, but usually highway.
      Soda
      Grocery cart
      You
      Ohnt,peecan,care amel,n root,dayd
      Northeast new England

    29. Merci Dee*

      I’m from the southeastern portion of the US
      1. tennis shoes
      2. interstate (as long as there’s a grassy median between the lanes of traffic going either way — if there’s no grassy median between the opposing lanes, then it’s a highway)
      3. coke (conversations down here typically go, “Hey, I’m thirsty, let’s get a coke.” “Okay, that sounds great. What kind do you want?” “Ummm . . . I think I want a Dr. Pepper.”
      4. cart
      5. y’all. Y’all can also function as the singular for “you”, as well. It’s also acceptable to talk to more than one person and say “all y’all”.
      6. aunt = ant; pecan = peh-KAHN; caramel = CARE-eh-mel; apricot = APP-ri-cot; en route = ehn rout; data = DAH-ta; crayon = CRAY-ahn; envelope = EHN-ve-lope

    30. Becky*

      1. Tennis shoes
      2. Highway
      3. soda
      4. cart
      5. y’all
      6. awnt (hard to transcribe without using IPA…)
      peCAWN
      car-mel
      app-ri-cot
      in root
      day-ta
      cray-on
      on-ve-lope

    31. Sled Dog Mama*

      Fun!
      I’m from on the NC/SC border, towards the coast.
      1. Sneakers
      2. Interstate
      3. Soda
      4. Cart or sometimes buggy.
      5. Y’all (never heard all y’all till I was an adult)
      6. Ant
      The nut is a PEE-can the pie that the nuts go in is p-khan and I’m totally ok with that, especially since I grew up with five of the trees in the back yard and every meal was eaten at a table made from the sixth (which my grandfather “cut down” when it fell over)
      The candy is car-mall, a cake would be ca-ra-mel.
      Ape-ri-cot
      On root.
      Dayta
      Kray-on
      On-ve-lope

      1. Durham, NC*

        Born and raised in Triangle. Parents are foreigners/ ESL. No discernible southern accent.

        1. Sneakers
        2. Highway
        3. Soda
        4. Grocery cart
        5. You guys, you all later in life as I try to be gender neutral. Y’all has never ever been in my lexicon.

    32. Dub*

      I’d love to hear any regionalisms for hair ties, there seems to be a lot of diversity in that. For instance, I say “bobbin/hair bobbin” (Dublin) and my friend says “gogo” (Louth).
      And…
      Runners/plimsolls
      Dual carriageway
      Fizzy/Soft drink (‘Mineral’ is more of a country thing, but I think it’s less used now)
      Shopping trolley
      Yis or ye

      1. AlaskaKT*

        Hair ties are pony tail holders or ponies for short. *unless* they are thick, then they are scrunchies.

        Anything else is a clip or Bobby pin.

      2. Anne (with an "e")*

        In GA, US– I used to say (I don’t wear these any more, but I used to…) bobby pin or hair pin. Then there were barrettes. For a pony tail I would use a pony tail holder, an elastic, or a scrunchie. I also used to wear headbands. Aren’t those known as Alice bands in the U.K.?

      3. TL -*

        A hair tie was a chongo at school and a ponytail holder at home. (but I just call them chongos because it’s shorter.) Super regional in the USA, I think.

    33. K.*

      Urban northeast born, raised, residing:
      1. Sneakers
      2. Highway
      3. Soda
      4. Cart
      5. Either “guys,” “you guys,” or “y’all;” ‘y’all” more comes from African-American vernacular English for me.
      6. ONT, pih-CAHN, CAR-uh-mel, AH-prih-cot, en ROOT, DAY-ta, CRAY-on, EN-vuh-lope. En-VEH-lop for the verb (“I enveloped him in my arms”).

    34. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Grew up mostly US Mountain West but spent summers in Wisconsin (Central Southeast). Both parents from there.

      1) Tennis shoes
      2) Interstate
      3) Soda
      4) Cart
      5) you all (but NOT y’all)
      6) ant, PE-can, charmul, ahpricaht, en root, dayhtah, crayhon, envelope

      I took a lot of crap at work this week because I pronounce vague like bag with a hard a so it comes out like: vayg and bayg with the g partially swallowed. Never noticed it before!

    35. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      1. Sneakers
      2. Highway
      3. Soda, or tonic if it isn’t made with syrup
      4. I use cart and basket interchangeably for the one on wheels
      5. Y’all
      6. Ah-nt, peh-CAHN, care-a-mehl, apricot with the a in ‘quack’, ahn rowt, small-d data with the first a like in at, big D-Data like day-tah, crae-ohn, and ahn-velope.

      1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

        Also, grew up in Rhode Island but spent about 10 years in young adulthood living in Virginia

    36. The RO-Cat*

      1. Depending on style, here they’re “tenişi” [‘tenish(i)] (tennis shoes, the (i) denotes a sort of a half-i, marking the plural) or “bascheţi” [baskets(i)] (basketball shoes, higher than tennis shoes) or “adidaşi” [a’didash(i)], sneakers, a genericized version of the brand itself
      2. Autostrada
      3. “Cola” – genericized for brown-colored fizzy soft dinks, or simply “suc” (juice) for everything else
      4. “Coş” [kosh] (basket) or “Coş de cumpărături” [kosh de kump(er)r(er)turi – where (er) is the sound you make when thinking: errr…] (literally “basket for stuff you buy”)
      5. “Voi” – we have different forms for singular vs plural “you”
      6. Probably wrong or twisted (in high school I’ve been told that, while I had the most british pronounciation for “can’t”, all the rest was american-sounding, so I won’t even guess).

    37. CanadianUniversityStudent*

      Canada – Central Ontario:
      1. running shoes
      2. highway/freeway
      3. pop
      4. shopping cart
      5. You
      6. ant, pee-can, care-a-mel, ape-ri-cot, an-route, da-ta, cray-on, en-velope

      1. CanadianUniversityStudent*

        Clarification an-route, I couldn’t figure out how to write the sound exactly. I say it with a french accent on the en.

        1. Polar Bear Don't Care*

          Outside Toronto, Ontario, and I agree except I don’t say freeway.

    38. GermanGirl*

      I’m from Germany and English is only my third language, so here is how I’d say these in English and German
      1. sports shoes, gym shoes | Sportschuhe, Turnschuhe
      2. highway (US), motorway (UK) – I actually use both depending on which country I’m talking about/to | Autobahn
      3. coke, soda, softdrink – is that even a word in English or is it a false friend from German? | Cola, Softdrink, Brause, Limonade
      4. shopping cart | Einkaufswagen
      5. you | ihr
      6. I hope I got these right, you can clearly see that my pronunciation is influenced by German in some examples.
      aunt – [ant] | Tante – [ˈtan.tə]
      pecan – [ˈpeː.kaːn] | Pekannuss – [ˈpeː.kaːˌnʊs]
      caramel – [‘kæɹ.ə.mɛl] | Karamell – [ka.ʀaˈmɛl]
      apricot – [‘ap.ʀi.kɒt] | Aprikose – [ˌap.ʀiˈkoː.zə]
      en route – [ɑ̃ ɹu(ː)t] | Unterwegs – [ʊn.tɐˈveːks]
      data – [ˈdeɪtə] | Daten – [ˈdaːtn̩]
      crayon – [ˈkɹeɪ.ən] | Wachsmalstift [ˈvaks.maːl.ʃtɪft]
      envelope – [ˈɒn.və.ləʊp] | Briefumschlag – [ˈbʀiːfʔ.ʊmˌʃlaːk] or just Umschlag [‘ʊm.ʃlaːk]

      1. Nancie*

        I’ve never used “soft drink” myself, but I’ve heard others in the US use it. Actually, I think that may be what’s on the sign for that aisle in the grocery store.

    39. Emily*

      1. Tennis shoes (or sneakers)
      2. Highway/expressway
      3. Soda
      4. Grocery cart
      5. I’m inconsistent with this – “You”, “You all”, and “You guys” all work (and I wouldn’t blink at someone saying y’all, I just never picked that up for some reason)
      6. I’m not sure that my answers to this one will be very interesting, because a lot of my pronunciations are inconsistent or context-dependent.
      Aunt = “Ant”
      Pecan = “Peh-kahn” (most of the time) or occasionally “Pee-Can”
      Caramel = “Care-a-mel” (most of the time) or occasionally “Car-mel”
      Apricot = “A-pri-cot” (like the “a” in “apple”)
      En route = “On root” (but if I’m just saying the word “route”, I use “Root” and “Rowt” pretty much interchangeably)
      Data = “Day-tuh” or sometimes “Da-tuh” (like the “a” in apple)
      Crayon = “Kray-on”
      Envelope = “In-vel-ope” (more often) or “On-vel-ope”

      I grew up in North Carolina, USA, but a lot of the people living in my metropolitan area were not originally from there, and I ended up with a fairly neutral US accent. (I’ve also lived in Florida, Wisconsin, and Western New York since then, and people in those places have also sometimes influenced how I pronounce certain words.)

      1. Manderley*

        I was waiting for expressway!

        Tennis shoes, expressway, soda (trained myself out of referring to all soda as Coke), and buggy (still looking for that one in the list!), you all. I’m in the SEUS (Atlanta metro).

    40. Anon80*

      I grew up in the south and moved to midwest in high school. After the move I got teased so badly for my accent that I changed my accent and regional words as much as I could. I’ve noticed my son pronounces things differently when he’s talking to me vs. his dad. Ha!

      1. Sneakers
      2. Freeway
      3. Coke (TX), soda (now) although everyone around me says pop and I just can’t make myself say pop
      4. Shopping cart
      5. Y’all (TX) but I can’t really think of what I say now
      6. ant, pecan (pee-can) , caramel (care-amel), apricot (long a), en route (in), data (both ways), crayon (long a), envelope (in)

    41. Tris Prior*

      Lifelong Chicagoan:

      1. Sneakers or gym shoes
      2. Expressway. If in Chicago, the name of the expressway (Kennedy, Edens, etc)
      3. Pop
      4. Shopping cart
      5. You
      6. Ant, pee-can, cahr-mel, app-ree-cot, on roooot, day-ta, cray-on, en-vel-ohpe H

      1. New Bee*

        Ha, my sister has shortened “expressway” to “e-way.” It sounds so foreign now that I no longer live in Chicago.

        Speaking of, how do you pronounce the city? I say, “Shi-CAH-go”, with the “CAH” really short, almost swallowed, as if I were saying “cop” and the “p” got cut off.

    42. Life is Good*

      Pacific Northwest

      1. What do you call the footwear worn for sports and PE class?
      SNEAKERS

      2. What do you call the multi-lane road used for traveling long distances at high speeds?
      INTERSTATE
      3. What do you call the fizzy drink that comes in cans or bottles?
      POP
      4. What do you call the basket on wheels that you put things in at the store?
      GROCERY CART

      5. What’s your second person plural pronoun (you-plural)? YOU

      6. How do you pronounce the following: aunt, pecan, caramel, apricot, en route, data, crayon, and envelope? ANT, PEE-CAWN, KARML, AAAPRECOT, N RUTE, DAYTA, CRAYAWN, NVELOPE

    43. ScarlettNZ*

      New Zealand – so my answers will be similiar to the folk from the UK :-)

      1. What do you call the footwear worn for sports and PE class?
      Trainers or running shoes.

      2. What do you call the multi-lane road used for traveling long distances at high speeds?
      Motorway.

      3. What do you call the fizzy drink that comes in cans or bottles?
      Usually we us the name – Coke, Fanta etc (or else it’s just referred to as ‘fizzy drink’).

      4. What do you call the basket on wheels that you put things in at the store?
      Trolley

      5. What’s your second person plural pronoun (you-plural)?
      You

      6. How do you pronounce the following: aunt, pecan, caramel, apricot, en route, data, crayon, and envelope?
      Ant
      PEE-can
      KAR-a-mel
      A-pri-cot
      On root
      dayta
      Kray-on
      En-ve-loap

      1. Ismis*

        Do you not say trundlers for number 4? I have photos of the “please return your trundlers here” sign from when I visited NZ. I was so tickled by it.

        1. ScarlettNZ*

          Personally I don’t and, as far as I know, it’s not a term commonly used. There are some regional differences between the North and South Islands though – for example, here in the South we refer to luncheon sausage as ‘belgium’ (don’t ask, I have no idea!) whereas in the North Island it’s called luncheon sausage.

    44. Anne (with an "e")*

      I am from Georgia.
      1. Gymn shoes, sneakers, tennis shoes
      2. Highway, interstate
      3. Soft drink, coke, coca-cola ( note: the drink does not have to be manufactured by Coke to be called a coke, it just needs to be carbonated.)
      4. Cart, grocery cart, buggy
      5. Y’all
      6. Ant ( like the insect) , pea-Kahn, or pea-can, care-ah-Mel, a (as ABC)-pre-cot, date-ah (like the character on Star Trek), cray-ahn, not sure how to write this one, but it rhymes with cantaloupe

    45. HannaS*

      I’m from Ontario (southern part):
      1. Running shoes.
      2. Highway
      3. Pop
      4. Shopping cart
      5. You
      6. ant, pee-can, care-a-mehl, rhymes with snap-ricot, awn root, both dat-a or date-a, cray-awn, either ehn-velope or awn-velope

    46. FinePrint*

      Adelaide, South Australia
      1. runners or sneakers
      2. freeway
      3. soft drink
      4. trolley
      5. You
      6. arnt, pee-can, cara-mall, ae-pricot, on-root, darta, cray-on, on-velope

    47. Cajun Lady*

      From down in the bayou..

      1. Tennis shoes
      2. Interstate
      3. Coke
      4. Buggy
      5. Y’all
      6. Ant, pick-ahn, care-uh-mel, app-re-cot, in root, day-ta, cray-on, in-ve-lope

    48. A midwesterner from Kansas City*

      1. Tennis shoes or running shoes
      2. Highway, sometimes interstate if I’m referring to a specific road
      3. Coke — I am a regional anomaly. Most people here call it pop.
      4. Cart
      5. You all, you guys, you
      6. Ant, p’kahn, car-mel, ahn root, dahta, crown, ahnvelope

      My accent is weird for my region, though I’ve lived here my whole life. I tend to use a long A where most people wouldn’t. I say Col-O-rahw-do rather than Colo-rad-o (Where rad sounds like the 70’s expression). Same with the words Nevada and plaza.

    49. Doreen Green*

      Pennsylvania

      1. Sneakers
      2. Highway
      3. Soda
      4. Cart
      5. You (but “youse” is also correct)
      6.
      ant
      pee-can
      care-uh-mel
      a-pri-cot
      en root
      day-ta
      cray-on, sometimes crown
      en-vel-lope

    50. New Bee*

      I’m from Chicago:
      1. Gym shoes
      2. Highway
      3. I grew up saying pop but I’ve assimilated to saying soda.
      4. Cart
      5. You all or “y’all” (pronounced “yawl”)
      6. Awnt, puck-ON, CAR-mull, APP-rick-cot, on root, DAY-tuh, cray-on, AWN-vell-lope

    51. Rogue*

      Grew up in Florida, but have lived all over the USA.

      1. Growing up, tennis shoes, but now they’re sneakers
      2. Well, there are interstate highways, such as I-95, I refer to those as the interstate. There are US highways that are sometimes multi lane, those I refer to as highways or their US-#. Then there are state highways, those sometimes are multi lane but not nearly as often as us highways, i also refer to as highways or their state and # such as TX-56. Then there are turnpikes, which are multilane toll roads and up in the northeast, they also have just pikes, which are multilane highways that aren’t toll roads.
      3. Soda (but understand if someone says foundation drink, pop, coke)
      4. Cart or buggy
      5. Depends on who I’m speaking with or if it’s in writhing and if it’s formal or not. I use you, you all, you guys, y’all, all y’all, all of you.
      6. I say ant and awnt, pea-can and pea-con, car-mel and cara-mel, app-er-cot and app-pri-cot, in row-t, dat-ah or date-ah, cray-on, en-ve-lope and en-va-lope. Just depends on where I am, who I’m speaking with or how fast I’m speaking.

    52. D.W.*

      Southern USA
      1. tennis shoes / gym shoes
      2. freeway
      3. soda
      4. shopping cart / buggy
      5. y’all
      6. aunt=aw-nt
      pecan=PUH-con
      caramel=CARE-uh-mail
      apricot=long ‘a’ for “apple”
      en route=in r-ow (as in “ouch”)-t
      data=DA-duh
      crayon-CRAY-yawn
      envelope=ON-vuh-lope

    53. nonegiven*

      1. sneakers
      2. interstate
      3. coke
      4. cart
      5. all y’all
      6. ant, pee-con, car-mal, a-pree-cot, on rout, day-ta, cray-on, in-vel-ope

    54. Blue birds fly*

      1. Tennis shoes
      2. Highway
      3. Pepsi if it’s Brown, soda otherwise
      4. Cart
      5. Y`all
      6. aunt ant, pecan pee can (no emphasis), caramel care a Mel (no emphasis), apricot ape ri cot, en route on root, data day ta, crayon long a no emphasis, and envelope on ve lope ( long o) unless I’m enveloping, then it’s in vel up

      I’m first generation rural south, with Bronx dad and California military kid mom.

    55. Ramona Flowers*

      South-east England here.

      1. What do you call the footwear worn for sports and PE class? Trainers or plimsolls. (But not pumps. Pumps are ballet pump style shoes to me.)
      2. What do you call the multi-lane road used for traveling long distances at high speeds? Motorway.
      3. What do you call the fizzy drink that comes in cans or bottles? A fizzy drink/fizzy drinks = what I actually call it.
      4. What do you call the basket on wheels that you put things in at the store? Trolley.
      5. What’s your second person plural pronoun (you-plural)? You. Or sometimes ‘folks’. Like: hi folks…
      6. How do you pronounce the following: aunt, pecan, caramel, apricot, en route, data, crayon, and envelope?
      Aunt – rhymes with plant (to me) or sounds like aren’t
      PEE-can (never emphasis on the second syllable)
      CAH-ra-mel
      Ape-ri-cot (never never app-ri-cot)
      On root
      Day-ter
      CRAY-on – there’s more than one way to say this? Huh? How?
      ON-va-lope

      Surprised you didn’t ask what people call their evening meal! That could get interesting too. (Dinner, for me.)

      1. Anne (with an "e")*

        Oh, the “dinner” question is very interesting. That particular word has always been somewhat context dependent, imo. To some people dinner = lunch, however for others dinner = supper. So, it depends on who is talking. For me (usually) I eat: breakfast in the am., lunch at midday, and then supper or dinner interchangeably in the evening. (Note- My little dog always has his “supper” time at 6:30 sharp.)

    56. The Other Dawn*

      New England-CT

      1. Sneakers
      2. Highway
      3. Soda
      4. Carriage
      5. You/everyone
      6. Not sure how to write pronunciations, but I’ll try!
      Ont/Ant
      pee-can
      car-mel
      apricot (short “a”)
      on root (long “o” in “root”; although we don’t typically say this word at all, not that I’ve heard anyway)
      day-ta
      cray-on or cran
      n-vel-ope

    57. Seal*

      Minnesotan who happens to live in Georgia (where they think I talk funny!):
      1. Tennis shoes
      2. Freeway
      3. Pop
      4. Shopping cart
      5. You guys
      6. Aunt – ant; pecan – pee-CON; caramel – CAR-mull; apricot – APP-ri-cot; en route – en ROUT; data – DAY-ta; crayon – CRAY-on; envelope – ON-va-lope

    58. Spunky Brewster*

      I grew up in and currently live in Houston, TX but my parents were midwesterners, so that may have some influence
      1. Tennis shoes
      2. Freeway
      3. Coke
      4. Shopping cart
      5. Y’all
      6. Aunt = ant, pecan = puh-CON, caramel = CAR-mull, apricot = AY-pricot, en route = on the way, data = DAY-tuh, crayon = cran, envelope = EN-vuh-lope

    59. Djuna*

      I’m Irish so some of these answers will be hiberno-oddities:
      1. Runners
      2. Motorway (which is bigger than a dual-carriageway)
      3. Minerals or fizzy drinks
      4. Shopping basket
      5. You, or yiz if we’re being slangy
      6. (not doing these in IPA, bc lazy) ant, pe-CAHN, kara-mell, ay-pri-kot, on root, day-ta, kray-on, ehn-vell-OPE.

    60. Artemesia*

      grew up in PNW, career decades in South, retired in Midwest city.

      1. sneakers
      2. highway or freeway
      3. pop
      4. shopping cart
      5. you’all (the south’s great contribution to the language)
      6. ant, pakahn, carmull, ape ricot, on root, dayta, cran, N velope

    61. Lana*

      Chi-town represent! (Chicago)
      1. Gym shoes
      2. Tollway/Highway (If you’re from here, you might refer to the number ie: 90, 55, or the name ie: Stevenson, Jane Adams, etc. etc.)
      3. Pop
      4. Shopping cart
      5. You (Depends on where you are in the city, though. Sometimes you’ll hear a “Youse guys”
      6. : aunt, pecan, caramel, apricot, en route, data, crayon, and envelope? “Ant”, “Pee-con”, “Car-mel”, “App-ri-cot”, “ahn root”, “day-ta”, “cray-ON” and “En-vel-ope”

    62. swingbattabatta*

      Grew up in the PNW:

      1. Tennis shoes
      2. Interstate
      3. Pop
      4. Shopping cart
      5. you guys (heyyy you guyyyyyyyyyyyssss)
      6. Ant
      pe-CAN
      care-a-mel
      ahh-pricot
      on root
      day-ta
      cray-on
      on-velope

      1. swingbattabatta*

        Now that I think of it, I think interstate is something i’ve used as an adult. Growing up, we used freeway.

    63. 14 years*

      I’m from the Chicago area, born and raised:
      1. Gym shoes (sometimes sneakers)
      2. Highway
      3. Pop
      4. Cart
      5. You
      6. Ant, pe-cahn, car- mel or care-a-mel, a (as in ash) pricot, on (hard to type the e/o sound) root, day-ta, cran like cranberry, e (as in end) velope

      1. a chump with a degree*

        California
        1 Sneakers
        2 Freeway
        3 soda pop
        4 cart
        5 Dudes
        6 ant, pih cahn, caramel, ape ricot, on root, dayta, cray on, onvelope

    64. Beancounter Eric*

      1. Cross-trainers
      2. Good day – interstate…bad day – parking lot!
      3. Coca-Cola (pronounced “co’cola”)
      4. Shopping cart
      5. Y’all
      6. ant, pecan, cara-mel, the rest depends.

      Atlanta, GA

    65. Lindsay J*

      From NJ, moved to Texas a few years ago.

      1. Sneakers
      2. Highway
      3. Soda
      4. Shopping cart
      5. You guys or y’all
      6. Ant, PEE-can, CAR-mel, AP-ra-cot, on root, DAY-ta, cray-on, ON-va-lope

    66. Sorgatani*

      Late to this one, but couldn’t resist.

      1. What do you call the footwear worn for sports and PE class?
      Sneakers
      2. What do you call the multi-lane road used for traveling long distances at high speeds?
      Freeway/Highway
      3. What do you call the fizzy drink that comes in cans or bottles?
      Soft drink
      4. What do you call the basket on wheels that you put things in at the store?
      Trolley
      5. What’s your second person plural pronoun (you-plural)?
      You
      6. How do you pronounce the following: aunt, pecan, caramel, apricot, en route, data, crayon, and envelope?
      Ahnt (long ‘a’, somewhat rhymes with the ‘a’ in ‘palm’)
      Peek’n
      Ca-ruh-ml (the first ‘a’ rhymes with the ‘a’ in ‘cat’ and the second is more like ‘uh’, but there are 3 syllables)
      Ape-ri-cot
      ‘On roo’
      Dah-tuh (but sometimes day-tuh, it’s sometimes I mimic accents without realising)
      Cray-yon (looks odd written like this but the ‘y’ is a short sound, and ‘cray’ rhymes with ‘ray’, as in ray of sun)
      Ehn-vl-lope for stationery; ‘ehn-vell-lup’ when I mean ‘to surround’

      I’m from Victoria, Australia

    67. LaterKate*

      From the Deep South:
      1. What do you call the footwear worn for sports and PE class? Tennis shoes
      2. What do you call the multi-lane road used for traveling long distances at high speeds? Highway
      3. What do you call the fizzy drink that comes in cans or bottles? Coke
      4. What do you call the basket on wheels that you put things in at the store? Shopping basket
      5. What’s your second person plural pronoun (you-plural)? Y’all
      6. How do you pronounce the following: aunt, pecan, caramel, apricot, en route, data, crayon, and envelope? Ant, pee-con, care-uh-mel, a(long a sound)-prick-ot, in root, dat-uh, cray-ahn, ahn-vell-ope (rhymes with hope)

    68. Angel*

      Oh man. I’m from Texas, but my dad grew up in a lot of British-English areas and I have a lot of weird slang in my dialect.
      1. Tennis shoes
      2. Highway or freeway
      3. Soda
      4. Cart
      5. Still “you”, unless it’s “y’all” which only appears in specific contexts somehow
      6. aunt = ant, pecan = peh-cahn’, caramel = care’-ah-mull, apricot = app’-rih-cot, en route = on root’, data = day’-ta or daah’-ta depending on surrounding words, crayon = cray’-un, envelope = on-‘vell-ohpe. (apostrophes indicate stress)

  13. Bigglesworth*

    Super excited to finally announce that dh and and I will be moving into our apartment in Northern Virginia/DC area today! We’re about to go pick up our keys and start moving our stuff in. Uprooting us and moving cross country for law school is nerve-wracking and exciting all at the same time.

    We did have to end up hiring movers, which is an unexpected cost, but my arthritis flared up with the stress of the move and I can’t pick up too many boxes without it acting up again. Oh well. You’d think I’d be used to this by now. :p On a similar note, when did we get so much stuff!?!?!

  14. Allypopx*

    Thanks to everyone for the camera advice last week! I talked to my boyfriend about upping my budget (it’s my money and he doesn’t oversee it, but I’m supposed to be saving for when I leave my job in December so I wanted his input/blessing to make a big purchase) and he was totally on board with me doing whatever I thought would be good for my mental health.

    I got a Canon EOS Rebel T6, and I got it as an amazon kit so I got a lot of really great accessories with it. I’m getting the hang of it, I haven’t tried too much with the fully manual settings yet. I also got the adobe photographer subscription with Lightroom/Photoshop and I’m starting to get a handle on those. I’m having a blast!

    1. Allypopx*

      I’m also using my camera bag as a purse so I have it with me whenever I stumble upon things to photograph.

      1. Wendy Darling*

        You can get camera bags that look like a purse now! or inserts for your existing purse that hold your camera stuff.

        Or you can do like me and just carry a large handbag you chuck your camera in.

    2. StrikingFalcon*

      Ooh that’s exciting! I’ve had a Canon Rebel for years, and I love it. They’re incredibly durable and all their lenses, no matter how old, can be used with any body.

      Some general pointers if you’re interested (if you have no idea what I’m talking about here let me know and I’ll break it down further, I’m not sure how much experience you have):

      I know how to use the manual mode, but most of the time I tend to shoot in the aperture mode (marked AV on the dial), as that lets you set your depth of field manually and the camera calculates the shutter speed for you. The lower the f-stop number the smaller the depth of field (so f/22 has a larger depth of field than f/5.6).

      The shutter speed mode (marked TV) does the opposite – you set the shutter speed, and it adjusts the aperture. Useful if you want to take a picture of something moving fast or you want to do a long exposure, such as for fireworks. The rule of thumb for long exposures is you need a tripod if the shutter speed is longer than the reciprocal of the focal length (so anything longer than 1/50 of a second for a 50 mm lens, or anything longer than 1/100 for a 100 mm lens).

      Playing with those two modes is probably enough options for a new camera, but I can explain the full manual mode too if you’d like!

      1. Allypopx*

        Thank you that’s super helpful! I’m not sure I’m ready for the full manual mode haha, it might go over my head, but I do follow you here and that gives me a really good starting point.

        1. StrikingFalcon*

          You’re welcome! The other option worth figuring out how to do is change the white balance. A different balance is appropriate for indoor vs outdoor shots (although I also wouldn’t be surprised if the auto white balance was a lot more useful now than on my 10 year+ old model). Just remember to change it back when you’re done!

          1. TL -*

            I still don’t do full manual white balance (I just change it in lightroom if it’s really off,) That’s the one aspect of manual I blissfully pretended doesn’t exist.

            I had a Canon Rebel for years – my dad has it now – and I loved it. I upgraded because I was truly shooting beyond its capabilities but if it hadn’t been for the sports photography I was doing, I probably would’ve been happy with it for several more years.

            Allypopx, the beautiful thing about digital is that the only thing a bad shoot costs is time, so practicing is really easy! (You can always go to full auto for important shots and manual/priority modes for ones that are you just wandering around the park.)

            1. StrikingFalcon*

              Yeah the only times I’ve used the fully manual white balance (where you take a picture of something white to set it) is when I’ve needed a good digital copy of something too big for my scanner. But just setting the white balance to indoor or outdoor can be helpful.

            2. Artemesia*

              If you plan to set white balance post production it really helps to take a shot of the grey card in each set of photos in order to adjust. You have to have something in the picture to adjust on and if there is no grey, using skin tone is so so for obvious reasons.

        2. AcademiaNut*

          I have the same model, and I shoot mostly aperture mode. The other useful adjustment is the exposure compensation. If you’re shooting something that has a wide range of brightness the automatic calculation can be off (like an object against a bright sky). The exposure compensation adjusts it one way or another, so you can bring the important part to the right brightness without going full manual.

          And the burst mode is great if you’re taking pictures of scenes that change quickly – it automatically takes a series of images when you press the button.

    3. amanda_cake*

      I bought a new camera too! I got the Canon 80D. I have a Rebel t3 that is like 6 years old so I needed something new. This is light years better and so much faster!

  15. PNW*

    I’m a regular poster who is going anon for this one for safety reasons.

    I just wanted to share that, after a couple of years of intense background checks, physical tests, interviews, psychological tests and four grueling months of police academy, my oldest son has become a police officer. His graduation was this week and I couldn’t be more proud. He will be working for a very nice (and mostly safe!) small city here in the Seattle area. It occurred to me the other day that police officers often carry small toys and things to comfort little kids who are in stressful situations, so I have decided that I am going to knit some small stuffed animals for him to keep in his patrol car. I’m so excited! They will be fun to make, and it makes me feel good to know that he’ll have something that’s made with love to give to a child who might be upset and frightened and needs some TLC.

    http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/bear-knit-a-teddy
    http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/bunny-knit-a-teddy
    http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/dog-knit-a-teddy

    2. nep*

      Thanks for sharing this. Love your idea.
      Congratulations to your son — big thanks to him and to first responders everywhere.

    5. Vancouver Reader*

      Congratulations to your son! I think anyone has to work with the public in potentially scary situations, are truly amazing people.
      Thanks also for the knitting links, I was looking for projects to work on, and these are just the thing!

  16. Lady Jay*

    I’ve posted here a few times about my experiences online dating. A few more funny (to me) observations:

    Why in the world do so many people post a profile pic that shows like half their head? Seriously, there’s the name, the wall, and their forehead/hair. I don’t get why this is a thing, but I see quite a few pics like this.

    The disgruntled men are super obvious. There’s a guy showing up in my “matches” feed who keeps updating his profile with complaints about the “hate mail” he receives and asking that women post pictures that show off their bodies a little more, all the while swearing that there’s more to romance than physical attraction. It comes off as kind of sexist, and it’s like watching a train wreck; I can’t look away.

    But otherwise, I went out with a couple guys, a couple times, texted them a bit and discovered . . . I don’t really like dating! I don’t like having my day interrupted or scheduled around being with another person, or feeling like I should show more of an interest in certain movies, activities, etc, than I really feel, in order to establish this relationship. I’m okay with doing stuff on my own. Anybody else like this?

    1. Stella's Mom*

      You are brave. I commend you for having hope. I did a bit on online dating in 2004-2006 and made 2 really good friends out of a total of 10 dates then.

      I am now closing in on 50 years old, and will go back to University in September for a Master’s degree, and am done (*done*) dating. I have good friendships with most of my exes, including with my ex husband (we divorced in 2002 after being together several years).

      My recent relationship of nearly 3 years ended very badly, he dumped me in a particularly harsh manner in January, and I have decided I won’t ever date again. I am too old to waste time on this and not explore the world on my own, living my own life. Heart is closed, focusing on me, my cat, my friends and family, my life and my education now. After 4 months of no contact I have finally this week cleaned up my professional and social media to remove his access to me (while limited), and did a lot of thinking about this situation and my enabling of his behaviour while I was getting my gallbladder out last week in hospital. I never again want to get enmeshed into a family with so many issues (too many to list and just exhausting). For someone who kept insisting we be friends, and who knew I was in hospital, not even a peep of “Get well” sealed the deal that this person is not a good person (this was on top of some really cruddy things he did in our relationship).

      I wish you luck, and am deep down hoping for all my single girl and boy friends that they find people to love. x

    2. Kat*

      I can relate! I quite like dating sometimes, but the problem is I value my free time a lot, and I don’t like wasting it. So unless I’m at least 75% sure it might be an OK date, I just don’t follow through. I’ve had a couple that weren’t fun and I was annoyed I lost that time instead of doing my own fun thing with it.

      I guess it’s not conducive to finding a partner, but it’s still important to me.

      And I’m with you on the dating pics thing. Blurry cropped shots of someone’s head and weird angled shots. Or pics of someone who isn’t even them! I don’t get it.

    3. Ann*

      I have 30 something friends who say the exact same thing all the time. This is why they go for quick sex, all the fun, no irritating fake time.

    4. Natalie*

      “feeling like I should show more of an interest in certain movies, activities, etc, than I really feel, in order to establish this relationship.”

      So, I know this isn’t a thing you can just snap your fingers and get over, but IMO you shouldn’t pretend to be interested in something to establish a relationship. Hopefully you are meeting people who can handle the idea that other people don’t share all of their interests, and if they can’t handle that idea better to find out quickly.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Ha! Yes, very true; this is good advice. Actually, the whole “problem” (not really a problem) is that I’m NOT willing to feign interest in things to keep a relationship going. Pretty sure that one of my dates dwindled off because he wanted to do stuff that I was not interested in (movies I didn’t like, or hanging out at private residences, which I wasn’t comfortable with after two dates.)

        So I’m still going solo . . . and staying safe, and watching the movies I want to watch.

        1. Natalie*

          I think being happy solo is the best way to be, whether or not you are dating or even in a relationship! I am very happy with myself and my life, and even though I love my husband I know my life would be good even if we had never met or, universe forbid, he was hit by a bus tomorrow.

          I’ve observed some people who need the status of “partnered” get in and stay in very bad relationships because that status was so much more important to them than anything else. From the outside, at least, it didn’t look like that good of a life.

    5. Merci Dee*

      I did some dating, briefly, a year or two after my divorce. I also discovered that it wasn’t really what I wanted to do with my time. I’ve always been quite comfortable with my own company, and I’m okay with the idea that I won’t have a “special someone” in my life. I have a number of friends, we meet up to do things pretty regularly, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out by not being part of a couple.

    6. JulieBulie*

      Yeah, I’m not a dater. Dating actually seems like the worst possible way to get to know someone because it’s such an artificial situation.

    7. Sam Foster*

      Dating is terrible. If it weren’t for my yearning for an emotional connection I’d have given up years ago.

    8. Fiennes*

      Dating is THE WORST. I remained single for many years – until a longtime friend exited his struggling relationship, and we got started a few months later. Never ever would I have found a partner through dating. I really have to know someone well before I make up my mind about a romantic connection.

    9. HannahS*

      I’m so like that. I dislike dating so much. I tend to do it in bursts for a few weeks and then throw my hands up in melodramatic frustration and delete my profile from online stuff. I’d like very much to wake up tomorrow in, like, year 3 of a relationship, though, which I’m not sure you share? If you don’t find that you want a relationship (or casual hookup or whatever), don’t bother with the headache of dating!

      2. Lady Jay*

        Sure, yeah, that would be nice. :) I’m in my early 30s now & am okay going solo. I’m not sure I want to be solo when I’m 70, especially since I’m not close to my siblings. I think I’d be pretty lonely.

        But I’m still not sure I want to put up with dating in order to get three years into a relationship! I think it would have been okay in high school/college (didn’t date then for a variety of reasons), but at this point, it feels very artificial.

    10. chickabiddy*

      I’m late 40s, separated/divorced 18 months. I think I wouldn’t mind having a few dates, but I am so not motivated to do things to find these dates. My social circle is mostly female, not because I don’t like men but just because it seems to have shaken out that way. I freelance/WFH 90% of the time so not much opportunity there (I wouldn’t date a co-worker anyhow, but might meet more men if I was in an office setting). I like my life. I’d maybe like it a little better with a FWB and/or occasional evening out, but I wouldn’t like it at all if dating had to become a project. I have enough of those.

    11. SL #2*

      I posted a bit about online dating last week; it’s a real struggle! Even just the chatting aspect is exhausting sometimes because you read so much into every word they type but also you’re so very careful about your own word choice too.

    12. Workaholic*

      I need to start inviting people along when i do things. Because I’m very tired I’d doing things alone all the time. somebody to share adventures with would be great. And I’d love to have a romantic partner. But yeah – I’m 42, never married, no kids. Kinda settled into single/my life/my rules/my space thing. I’ve tried dating. Last was 4 months ago – 2 days went well but we were both so busy. Then he died 3 weeks ago in a freak motorcycle accident. :( i keep telling myself to get out there meeting people and going on dates but it feels like so much effort for nothing.
      What bugs me is all the married guys on dating sites. At least some are honest about it but I’ve met some stating single on their profile but later admit to being married.

      1. Workaholic*

        Sorry for typos :( phone keyboard and I’m not so great at spell checking on my phone

      2. On Fire*

        I’m so sorry about his death! Whether he was a potential partner, potential friend or just a passing acquaintance, that’s a blow.

        I’m married and used to think that if anything happened to my DH I would date/marry again. But now, in my late 30s, I think if he was gone, I would just continue with my own life. Dating sounds lonelier than being alone.

    13. Lizcat*

      Yes, oh, my god, I stayed in a less than ideal relationship for way too long because I hate this process. I enjoy committed relationships, but the process of getting there is horrible!
      Also, I’m on the asexual spectrum so that makes dating even harder to navigate.

    14. K.*

      I keep telling myself it’s worth the work to find someone good but while I like being loved/in love and would love to find a good man, dating is such a PITA. I actually just took down all my profiles because the whole thing was annoying me. I’m OK with doing stuff on my own too – what I really want from a partner is emotional support.

    15. Cafe au Lait*

      When I was on Match.com, I made a rule: no dating guys who called their ex “crazy” in their profile. After reading many profiles, I added “no dating guys who list ‘honesty’ as the first thing they want in a partner.”

      After a year, I ended up meeting (and marrying) a guy I met on Match. I didn’t read his profile too closely before I went on our first date, otherwise I probably would’ve declined. (He smoked at the time). Our top qualities are what we wanted in a partnership, even though the packaging is different than our idealized versions. I’m happy with my marriage. I really couldn’t imagine a better partner for me.

  17. Bibliovore*

    AND NOW….
    this group has been so helpful when the downstairs flooded and we needed to figure out the new floor purchase.
    The fridge died, the dishwasher died, and the stove died.
    We bought a new fridge and it is in the living room.

    The floor has been pulled up and the materials selected- ceramic tile for the floor, subway tile for the backsplash, soapstone for the countertop.We are keeping the floorplan and the cabinets.

    Question- Stove
    Leaning towards a GE dual fuel Gas/electric. Pricey but I really really really want gas top but…

    If they can’t run the gas line or the cost is just too much…
    What do you all recommend for a slide in stove?
    Brand, type (coil, smooth top) etc
    Anyone try induction?
    What do you hate, hate, hate that I should under no circumstances buy?

    1. Windchime*

      I have a gas stove now and love it. I can see why you would like a gas cooktop because it’s simply awesome. In my previous home, gas wasn’t common or really even available so everyone did electric. I went from coil burners to a flat glass top and I didn’t really care for it. They are hard to clean because stuff gets cooked onto the cooktop, and your pan has to be absolutely flat. It was kind of a pain. If I couldn’t have gas, I’d go with electric coil burners.

      1. Artemesia*

        We put a gas stove in in our last place and loved it; in the condo where we live now there is no gas so we have a glass top electric. I hate it — there is no real control of the heat when cooking. We have had conduction stoves several times in European rentals and they are amazing. They are super expensive in the US for some reason, but I think that is what we will get the next time we have to replace the stove — maybe sooner. They give you the same kind of instant heat control you get with gas and the boil water in about a minute flat. Totally awesome.

    2. fposte*

      What kind of pans do you cook with, and how careful are you on a stovetop with them and with messes? I have gas, and what I hear from people with glasstops is that cast iron can be an issue if you’re not a careful person, plus wiping down means a special cleaner and it takes a while for the top to cool down enough to use it.

      As somebody who bangs pans and drips like crazy and am lucky to have a brief moment when I feel like cleaning, I wrote off glass tops on hearing that.

    3. the gold digger*

      1. We had an existing gas line routed to the kitchen. $875 was the quoted price; we still don’t have invoice – it took them less time than they thought so might be less.

      2. We bought a gas range to replace the electric smoothtop. I have hated that stove with the heat of a thousand white suns. The way the electric stove works is it’s on and then it’s off. For hotter temps, the cycle time is faster, for lower, it’s a slower cycle time. But you can never ever ever have a steady temperature. I have never had anything boil over with a gas stove, but it happens frequently with electric. Do not get electric if you can at all afford it!

      3. We are spending our holiday weekend microwaving in the dining room while Primo patches and paints the walls that were gouged as we (“It will just slide out!”) removed the microwave that was in the house when we bought it. They installed it and then painted, which meant that guess what! That nice snug fit is now too tight. It took us 30 minutes and a lot of bruises to get that thing out.

      4. Our dining room now contains the old microwave, which is on a chair, the old stove (ReStore won’t pick it up until the end of next week), the new microwave, and the new stove, neither of which can be installed until the walls are patched and painted and until Primo removes the old outlet box for the electric stove. (The gas stove takes 120 and the electric took 11o or whatever it is.) Primo is keeping the blinds closed so nobody will see our lovely new stove and break in to steal it.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I am sticking to my guns for the gas stove after this.
        We have the 35 year old Le Crueset pots and pans that I brought to the marriage 30 years ago.
        Since moving to MN, five years ago, I discovered the wonders of cast iron and love love love them.

        Right now I really need advice on how to prepare dinner using just the microwave and a toaster over.
        I am getting sick of cheese sandwiches and my go to is a pile of veggies sautéed in a pan with some kind of protein.
        Its just the two of us and Mr. Bibliovore has been eating every meal out and we can not afford that.
        the fridge is in the living room and the microwave and toaster oven are in the laundry room in the basement.

        1. Wendy Darling*

          I would throw a lot of things under the bus to be able to get a gas stove. I would rather have a gas oven than an electric stove. None of the apartment buildings in my area have gas and getting a gas stove is the #1 reason I want to buy eventually.

          If you want to saute in the interim can you get a wee camp stove or a hot plate? Or perhaps an electric griddle? They can be had fairly inexpensively and would open up your options a lot.

        2. the gold digger*

          Oh man! I was annoyed having to go to the dining for the microwave just once this morning!

          As far as meals, we have pulled some stuff out of the freezer. We have a rice cooker, so we can have stew and rice. Primo would grill, but I would rather he focus his efforts on finishing this project. (We just discovered we don’t have enough paint – left over from the guy who did the house before we bought it – to patch the gouged spots, so the chore time has just been extended, ie, Primo will have to have paint mixed.)

          I am posting a link below of Shirley all confused because she can’t find her food with the stove gone.

          2. Liane*

            Slow cooker.
            Since you’re cooking for 2, try a toaster oven. You will have to check the food packaging to be sure, but I think the modern ones can do things like frozen chicken patties or fish fillets/sticks (the kind that only need warming up). College Son also makes amazing Italian bread toast, garlic bread, and mini hot subs (using hot dog buns) in ours.
            Many frozen lasagnas (possibly other frozen casseroles) can be done in the microwave instead of the oven. We think they don’t taste quite as good as oven heated, but still at least decent.

            I hope you get things fixed soon and I loved the picture. Poor kitty.

            1. Bibliovore*

              Just discovered that cooking in the toaster oven sets off the smoke dector because there is no ventilation in our laundry roo. Perhaps there is an outdoor grill in our future.

        3. It happens*

          Get an instant pot and you can sauté! And make soups, rice, meats, etc.
          or, toaster oven enchiladas – tortillas, salsa, beans, corn, cheese – cover with foil 15 minutes then uncover for last five. You can totally bake chicken parts in a small brownie pan in a toaster oven – add preferred sauce while cooking.
          Or the old standby, English muffin pizza!

          1. Valeriane*

            Or English muffin with canned tuna/diced onion/diced celery topped with sliced tomato and sliced or grated cheese

          2. Bibliovore*

            I have been eying the Insta Pot since all of the discussions here. the issue is that I have a slow cooker that I only ever used to make dog food. I am not sure that the Insta Pot would be worth the investment.
            I swear- I am feeling like I am living in a dorm. Oh yes! English muffin pizzas, I forgot about those.
            I am going to Trader Joes later- any suggestions on the microwave/ toaster oven front?

          3. Artemesia*

            We got a sous vide last year and it is amazing. Does a better job on fish and on thinks like pot roasts than anything else. Not bad on steaks but you do have to sear to get that browned crust.

        4. StrikingFalcon*

          Any vegetable that can be steamed can be made in the microwave! Just put it in a covered dish with a bit of water. Frozen veggies are particularly easy to do this way.

        5. nonprofit manager*

          Can you cook outside? We are going to demolish our kitchen soon and will microwave in the dining room, but I am particular about my food and we plan to use our grill and camping stove in the back yard so we can have real food. We have discovered previously that by monitoring the temperature, the number of burners turned on, and closing the lid, the grill can even stand in as an oven.

          1. Bibliovore*

            We are new to house living. Moved from Brooklyn NY. We have a back yard. I had planned on getting a grill. Mr. Bibliovore is not interested and I have never cooked on a grill. I am a bit on the obsessive side and have researched grills. So…I want a propane one because the coal ones would probably would trigger my asthma. I want to spend around$300. Any recommendations?

        6. Vancouver Reader*

          Since it’s summer, can you eat more salads? I use our toaster oven to make frittatas because I can’t be bothered to turn on an oven for one dish. Check out Pinterest for ideas on cooking using only a microwave.

    4. Onnellinen*

      I had gas at my previous house, but when we moved last year, it was into a condo and installing a gas line would have been difficult/expensive. In my experience, gas is the best – on and off quickly, easy to control temperature, and even heat distribution. If installing gas line will be a challenge, you are pretty much restricted to some type of electric. In my case, I got induction. It is a million times better than the electric (coil) stove that was here when we first moved in, and I am loving it. I had to replace two aluminum pans that were not compatible, as they need to be conductive, but I don’t regret it. I still miss gas, but induction is a great second choice for similar reasons – heats up very quickly, even heat distribution.

    5. Miso*

      My ex boyfriend had induction and it’s absolutely awesome. Cooking water with it is so fast!
      And if there’s no pot on top, it goes cool right away.
      Nowadays they also have these versions where you don’t have just 4 or so cooking zones, but the whole surface works, so that’s very handy if you have big pots.

      You just have to keep in mind whether your old pots work with induction or not.

    6. JulieBulie*

      I used regular coil burners for years and never really had a problem with them. (I have gas now.) (And to be honest, I liked electric better… it was easier to cook things on low heat. Or maybe the gas stove I have just sucks. It’s very hard to get it to simmer something… either it’s boiling or the flame goes out.)

      Anyway… for a while I lived in a place with disc elements. I don’t know if they still make those or not, but I do not recommend them. It takes them forever to cool off. (Much longer than coil.)

      My sister has a glass top and likes it, but if I were to get an electric I’d probably get a coil again just because I never, ever had any issues with it.

      1. On Fire*

        Julie, have you checked the valves? It sounds like the gizmo where the gas comes out to feed the flame might be partially clogged. A gas burner should do anything from low to high heat. (Mom had the same problem, and it was just the things needing to be cleaned.)

        1. JulieBulie*

          Clogged? But I’m already getting way more gas than I want.
          It’s LOW heat that’s a problem.

    7. Sled Dog Mama*

      I’ve lived with 7 different glass tops and had the same issue with all of them, they require a through cleaning every time you use them with my current gas one I give it a quick wipe after each use and a more through scrubbing occasionally.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Thank you everyone. Went and got a one burner induction cooker for the duration. Will go to Trader Joes tonight. For the pantry- tuna, tofu, For the fridge- smoked salmon, For the freezer- bagged veggies, chicken and fish to make in the toaster oven. I will get fresh greens and fruit. I am looking forward to being able to hardboil eggs as they are my go-to for lunch.

        1. Bibliovore*

          I win! Dinner tonight, first time in 2 weeks that wasn’t cheese and crackers or pressured meet or peanut butter or bowl of cereal. Burritos in the toaster oven, fresh corn in the microwave and a salad. Life is good. Thanks for the help.

    8. Mononymous*

      I have the new Samsung slide-in induction range and I ADORE it. Temperature changes are fast and responsive, water boils super fast, and food spills absolutely will not cook into the smooth top no matter how high you have the burner cranked. If you take a pan off the burner and forget to turn off the heat, it will shut itself off after a couple minutes; my husband does that every now and again and it’s a lifesaver.

      The flex duo oven is kinda neat but I usually keep the divider out and use it as a single oven; no complaints about the convection oven performance. The cooktop does sometimes make a high-pitched humming noise, especially at high temps, but I’m used to it now and it doesn’t bug me. I think the noise depends on the specific pan you use too. Pans I use are primarily Le Creuset ECI and Calphalon stainless. I have one nonstick egg pan that works on it too, I believe it’s Circulon brand.

      If you get induction, absolutely get the extended warranty. There are enough advanced electronics in there that one repair would pay for itself under warranty if needed. This range is a replacement for a Whirlpool induction range that croaked after just a couple of years; repair on it would have cost us probably over $1000 with no guarantee that it wouldn’t have a repeat failure shortly after. We’ve had good luck with Lowes extended warranty service in the past, and have that on our current range just in case.

    9. Keener*

      Induction stoves are amazing. I am currently in the process of buying a home with a gas stove and seriously considering replacing it with induction. The surface of an induction stove doesn’t really get hot so it’s really easy to keep clean… If something spills while cooking just lift up the pot, wipe up the spill and keep cooking. Just be aware that not all pots and pans will work on it. (Simple test: if a fridge magnet will stick to the pot it should work fine). Frying pans can be problematic since they are sometimes aluminum but Ikea sells inexpensive induction friendly frying pans, if needed.

  18. Kristie*

    Today my husband and I are going to a BBQ at one of his friend’s house. There will be around 40 people there. I have some anxiety about parties like this because I find it hard to make small talk with people I don’t know. The ironic thing is that I *want* to talk to them and possibly make new friends. I just get nervous and don’t know what to say and …some of the people already know each other, start talking about other things .. and I end up feeling left out. My husband isn’t great about including me in the conversation but he is nice about me leaving the party early or even both of us leaving if I’m not having a good time.

    I guess I’m just looking for advice or maybe encouraging words. Has anyone felt this way at a party where they don’t know many people?

    1. fposte*

      Sure, all the time. I think it’s a learned skill. One easy trick is to ask questions; you can get some amazing stories that way, too. “So you met in college–what’s one of your favorite college memories together?” can keep things going for quite a while.

      1. neverjaunty*

        Yes. A key to being a fabulous conversationalist in other people’s eyes is asking them to elaborate on what they’re already talking about.

        2. Fiennes*

          YES. As the saying goes, people forget what you said; they remember how you made them feel. Show interest in them & they’ll remember you as delightful and perceptive.

      2. Zathras*

        I like this approach, but one thing I had to learn is that it takes 2 people to have a conversation. Sometimes the other person would just give really short answers with no follow up questions of their own, resulting in repeated awkward silence. It feels like you are failing, but really what is happening is the other person is not pulling their weight. Politely disengage and try again with someone else. Eventually you’ll find someone who pulls their weight, or even better, someone who likes to talk and will let you get away with just nodding and asking the occasional follow up.

    2. Muriel Heslop*

      I’m glad you are going even if you are a bit nervous!

      I’m super-extroverted and love to talk to people I don’t know. Assume that there is at least one person like me at the party. They will probably make eye contact with you and smile.

      If you aren’t sure what to talk about there is always the weather. Or, ask what they are enjoying on TV/Netflix. Or, what they are reading. Or, any summer vacation plans? How do you know the hosts? I encourage you to start your own conversations, too.

      If you stand by the booze and/or food, you will meet a lot of people.

      Have a great time!

    3. Temperance*

      I can totally relate. I’m a fan of the “Hi, I’m Temperance. We haven’t met / I think we met at Joe and John’s party, how are you?” tactic. It gives people a positive memory of you, and they’re more likely to include you next time.

      I am straight up strange and awkward, so I pretend to be someone who isn’t when I do this. It weirdly works.

      1. Jillociraptor*

        I imitate my extroverted mom whenever meeting people for the first time! It does kind of help to think of it like an act.

    4. Me2*

      Even as an extrovert I get a little anxious around large groups of people who already know each other. Ask your husband to think of one or two people there you might have something in common with and then introduce you with that subject, i.e. this is Mary, she has also been to Iceland; you need to meet Wakeen, he’s a huge fan of AAM; stuff like that. Be prepared to ask questions of the other person, most people like to talk about themselves. How do you know the hosts, pets, travel (past or future), current events in your town. I like to ask strangers where they take visitors to our city, I’ve learned about some fun new places that way. You can pretend you have company coming soon and need advice. Don’t have expectations that you’ll meet a new friend, be pleasantly surprised if you have several nice conversations over the course of the event.

    5. CityMouse*

      I totally sympathize, I feel stressed at those situations too, and I feel like I’m called on it a lot.

      I think one thing is that it’s okay to not engage if you don’t feel like it. The pressure isn’t entirely on you to make contact with people. I also think it’s totally fine to talk about superficial things (that’s why tv and movies exist, IMO to give us stuff to talk about). I once got into a huge foot-in-mouth situation when asking about someone’s job (they had just been fired), so I actually steer of that kind of thing. But things like Spiderman tend to be safe topics.

    6. The German Chick*

      For me, it was a learnt skill I practiced at parties where I knew literally no one but the host. I start by saying: “Hi, I made it my goal today to talk to everyone at this party. I am so curious to know more of the host’s friends. So, how do you know him ?” which spins into a conversation (“cool, so you met him in French class in college. How did you come up with the idea to study French?”…) it’s easiest to start with people who are also by themselves, but it also works with groups. People usually appreciate the initiative and if they don’t, they should (social interaction is the purpose of a party after all!). I find it easiest without a partner by my side. You two could also make it a contest (who gets to know how many guess?). I usually end up having a lot of fun!

    7. Courageous Cat*

      Yes, all the time. Alcohol is what fixes it for me. Not a lot is needed, just enough to grease the wheel, if that’s even a saying.

    8. Jo*

      Oh yes. So much yes. Where I used to live/work, the entire social scene consisted of these kinds of parties where people stand around all night making small talk, at least until curfew and most people left. I was so, so terrible at this. But I got better eventually. I’m such a nerd that I cam up with a few cheats that really helped.

      – Practice definitely helps, and if you keep attending parties with the same people, it will help after a while once you start to know people and can go right up to someone you know and greet them, thus getting ushered into their current conversation.

      – Prepare. This may be outing me as a total socially anxious nerd, but I would spend some time before the party coming up with a few topics of conversation, some questions to ask that will result in long, detailed answers, and a few stories of my own to share.

      – Find out who the extrovert is. The one who can talk to anyone and can talk about anything and make it interesting, and hang around with them. They’re always easy to talk to because they do all the talking! At most you’d have to make encouraging noises or ask the occasional follow-up question.

      – If you drink, that can help, too. Just be sure to not to drink too much too fast in your nervousness/awkwardness, because that makes it harder to keep a clear enough head for the above strategies. I usually sip at a glass of wine periodically, just enough to keep me loose and engaged without my brain getting foggy.

      Good luck!

    9. Artemesia*

      In a large group one strategy is to look around and find a couple of other people who are at loose ends and engage them. There may be a reason they are isolated because they are boors or something, but they may also be others just like you who are a little nervous about jumping in.

  19. Windchime*

    Ouch. My cat was snoozing peacefully on my lap when a piece of ice fell in the ice maker on the fridge. It startled him and he took off, leaving long scratches on my shoulder that really hurt! Bad kitty!

    What’s everyone doing this weekend? I had family over last night for pizza and we will grill burgers at some point this weekend. The weather here has been pretty and warm all week, but now it is gloomy. Boo.

    1. Purple snowdrop*

      Tonight I’m going to a friend’s house; me, her and one other friend will eat pizza, chat for a bit then all read our own books in companiable (is that a word?) silence. It’s awesome.
      Tomorrow I plan to kick the family out and have some time to myself.

    2. Stella's Mom*

      I read cover to cover a Vanity Fair mag, today, and have been resting and recovering post-op (gallbladder removal 6 days ago). I am having a friend over for coffee tomorrow, and will walk the dog of my roommate on slow, easy walks as I heal. My weekend (and the next week) are all looking like this – reading, napping, healing, walking. :) (Also ouch to the kitty scratches).

    3. Mimmy*

      Ooooh cat scratches hurt like a mofo!!

      Tomorrow, we are leaving for a week down in Avalon with my family. We’ve been doing this since 2006 – it gets really chaotic at times as there are 19 of us, 9 of them kids, who have now sprouted practically overnight into teenagers! But it’s always a special time of year for my family, so I’m looking forward to it.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Avalon as in the mythical eternal land that Arthur disappeared to? Tell him “hi” from us & see if you can convince him to come back; we could maybe use his leadership these days. ;)

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      We just got back from dropping some of our crap off at the dump, and then tonight we’re going out for Korean BBQ! :-9

      It was a lot of crap. I think I had 8 hard drives, 4 DVRs, an old MacBook, and a lot of non-working small appliances (tower fan, space heaters, etc.), along with the usual container of batteries that we keep under the counter.

      Oh, and I replaced the flush arm inside the toilet, because it somehow rusted through. I don’t know what’s up with that toilet, it always flushes slowly, but the plumber said it’s a great model and we should try to fix it. I have been cleaning the bowl, which was coated with rust scale, because he said that can slow the speed of the water and mess up the flush flow, but we’ve done two 48-hour soaks in pure CLR and it’s still got scale on it.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Ugh, I need to fix my flapper. It won’t seat properly and the toilet runs. I have to reach in and adjust it after every flush. It might need replacing. Double ugh–that will mean moving an entire shelf unit that sits over the damn thing.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          I don’t think it’s sulfur, because none of the other toilets have this issue. But if it was, what do we do about it? If there is a simple fix, I will try it and see if it works, because #SCIENCE.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I think you would know if you had a sulfur problem, you’d smell it and you’d see it in other fixtures. Since it’s this one toilet, I would start by trying to figure out where the rust is coming from. Perhaps it’s just a build up from over the years.
            Is this a toilet that does not get much use? Strange things happen to toilets that do not get used often.

            I had some bowl stains here that nothing worked on. By sheer luck I found a product on a clearance table. It WORKED! I could not believe how easily it worked, either. I followed the directions on the bottle, basically to paint it on, wait, scrub.
            You may have to google to find it. It’s called “Tub ‘N Sink Jelly”, and bottle says “lime and rust remover”.
            An 8 ounce bottle was originally $3.99. I used so little I think the 8 ounce bottle will last the rest of my life. You’ll want gloves, of course.
            The company is Duro and they are part of the Loctite Corporation.
            Maybe this will work?

    5. Liane*

      Not a lot. Supposed to rain all weekend but pretty sunny so we might take Bear the Lab on an “Adventure” to walk a bit on a local urban trail. (It won’t be a long one because of his hip issues.)
      Otherwise I plan to read all day, then College Son and I will order pizza before the Skype game session. We are currently playing D&D 5th edition’s Curse of Strahd.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I WISH I had something to do, but as usual, everybody forgets I exist on a holiday weekend. :P I had a hair appointment today and have fallen in love with the back of my head. tinyurl.com/ybzjsnp3

      What I’ll probably do is bust out on beginning a mini NaNoWriMo and catch up on this season of Doctor Who.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Thanks!
          I am always SO happy on Color Day. It’s just a root touch-up, but my stylist does an outstanding job on the color and in keeping the highlights in good shape. Worth the money–I can’t go on interviews with inches of roots.
          Plus, pampering, heh heh. :)

      2. Jo*

        Oooh I *LOVE* your hair! I’ve always wanted long full beautiful hair like that, but mine just doesn’t do long. It starts to look all stringy and frizzy and awful as it gets longer :(

    7. Workaholic*

      I’m watching nascar in front of a friend’s a/c. And about to go shopping at a second hand store. My backpack stolen from my car last year showed up in the store this morning. I’m going back to dig through books in hopes the book stolen shows up. Out of stock/out of print $85 or more to replace. A friend had just given it to me as a gift from her shelf. Tomorrow: swim in the river, hike, craft and lunch at a friend’s house.

    8. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I went to my Women’s Wisdom Circle meeting this morning, and we all voted to use some of our money from ‘Sophia’s purse’ to put together a snack basket for a member who is at the rehab hospital following back surgery.

      Then we all went to lunch at a small, family-owned Mexican restaurant. They have a $10 minimum for credit- or debit-card purchases, so I got a couple of margaritas to make sure I didn’t fall under the minimum. Well, the first margarita was for receipt padding; the second one was because the first one was sooo good. :-) I paid for it later, as I was sicker than a dog this evening. I went to bed around 6:30 pm and now I’m awake since 11:30 pm. People in my neighborhood are now shooting fireworks because it’s near July 4th.

  20. Your Weird Uncle*

    So I’m currently following a sugar detox diet. There are lots out there, but I’m following the one written by Brooke Alpert and Patricia Farris. It includes a 3 day strict no-sugar diet (like, no natural sugars apart from what you get from the list of approved veggies and proteins). I’m finishing up Week 1 – tomorrow, I get to add some (approved) fruits like blackberries and blueberries. Yay!

    I was worried I’d end up crashing and binging on gummy worms, or staring longingly at donuts while my family happily munches away on their sugary breakfast. I’m happy to say I feel great, my blood sugar isn’t all over the place like it used to be, and I hardly even blinked when the family ate their Saturday morning donuts.

    Anyone else do a sugar detox, and how’d it go?

    1. Kristie*

      Good for you!!! I find it so hard to stick with eating plans/diets/whatever you want to call them.

      1. Your Weird Uncle*

        Thank you! I find it really hard, too, but I’m happy to report that this one lets you have dairy and wine on Day 4, so I felt like I can stick with it for a while. I’m going to do the month and see how I feel after that – they say that during the long-term maintenance, you can have up to two desserts per week if you substitute out a starch that day, so I might even be able to keep it up longer. I will say, though, that I miss crusty bread and sugar in my morning coffee!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Watermelon saved my life. I would not have made it if there were no such thing as watermelon. lol. I think it was week 6 or 8 that it hit me like a brick wall. I plowed through it though. I could not believe the changes in my body and in my mind because of dropping refined sugars. Incredible. It was those changes that kept me going.

      1. Your Weird Uncle*

        Honestly, for me it’s been beans that have kept me going through the first few days. I was really missing potatoes, so on Day 2 I realized I could get the same sort of starchy consistency with beans We’ve had some pretty good chilis lately!

        I also got a delicious apple cinnamon tea which has just enough sweetness, so if I was having a sweetness craving I’d have some of that and a handful of pecans, and that’s done the trick so far.

    3. Muriel Heslop*

      I did Sarah Gottfried’s 21 day hormone reset detox and it was amazing for me. YMMV but it really changed my life.
      The first day and a half without sugar was rough, but then I felt so good!

      1. Your Weird Uncle*

        Hm, interesting. I haven’t heard of that one! Are you still following it?

    4. nep*

      Good for you. Your body will thank you.
      Not a sugar detox per se, but when I cut out all added sugars and honey (eating just fruits, veg, and other carbs), the two most noticeable changes were: much sounder sleep and much better digestion/bowel movements.
      Keep us posted.

  21. Not Karen*

    I’ve been working with a realtor to find a rental and have run out of time unable to secure a place because landlords are *&%$. So now the realtor won’t get paid. Should I buy him a gift of some sort?

    1. self employed*

      That’s a nice gesture. I’d also recommend him/her to my friends and also tap him/her again if I were to rent or buy.

  22. AnnaleighUK*

    I need some advice, guys.

    I have a friend who I’ve known for about seven years. We have a shared love of all things triathlon and cycling-related and we get on really well. He lives in the North (Newcastle) and I’m due to go and visit him soon.

    Problem is, he’s become ridiculously clingy. He messages me constantly – and I mean constantly. My phone is buzzing with Messenger pings as I’m typing this. He doesn’t have that many other friends and I know he’s actually quite insecure and a bit depressed. He recently split up with his boyfriend who basically steamrollered over his emotions in the breakup and made him feel like crap, so he turned to his other friends for help getting over the split. Which I didn’t mind, but he’s getting very annoying now, and his constant messages are really disruptive. I do turn off notifications when I’m at work but the other day I checked Messenger at lunchtime and found like fifty unread messages from him. I thought ‘you have to be joking me’ and didn’t reply, and then later that night he sent me a text saying ‘Don’t you like me anymore? You read my FB messages but didn’t reply, have I upset you?’ Like what the hay, I am run off my feet at work at the moment and I don’t have TIME to read Messenger during the day. And pardon me for having a life outside my iPhone in the evenings.

    I actually don’t want to go and visit him. I do, to see what Newcastle is like (I hear the shopping is great) but I don’t know if I’m able to deal with a whole weekend of Him. He’s different on triathlon weekends and we will always have those, but I kind of want to keep him as ‘triathlon buddy’ and not ‘bff’.

    Sooo how do I distance him and just keep him at arms length without feeling like a total cow for doing so? I’m worried if I’m direct with him he will sink into a slump and try to guilt trip me for making him ‘feel bad’. Which he won’t succeed at, because I don’t do guilt trips and he brought this on himself.

    Sigh! Thanks guys.

    1. neverjaunty*

      If he can’t guilt trip you, why are you worried about feeling like a cow?

      He’s being an ass, honestly. Nagging someone this much and then pulling “don’t you like me anymore?” is childish.

      Why not tell him the problem straight out? “Fergus, you know we’re friends and I’m sad this guy just you. But surely you can see that messaging me fifty times is not reasonable.”

    2. Myrin*

      It’s great to read that you don’t do guilt trips because I was just about to suggest that you try and resist the force of his guilt-tripping tendencies, should it ever come to it (at least outwardly – it’s not as important that you don’t actually feel guilty as that you react and behave like you don’t). So I think you’re all clear on that front.

      As for his messages, I always hear the advice and have myself been successful with just taking longer and longer to reply. It’s also completely fine to answer stuff like his text with “Dude, I’m swamped in work, I really don’t have time for this”, if you ask me.

      As for the trip to visit him, I’m not sure how to get out of it, to be honest. On the one hand, it would be the perfect (and easiest, in a way) opportunity to tell him honestly how you feel, but on the other hand, you don’t want to hurt him any more than he’s already hurting and also want to continue a relationship with him, just not a close one. So, hm. Could you just pretend like something really important and unchangeable came up during exactly the time you’re supposed to go up there? Will he accept that but later insist that you’ll meet up another time (because in that case, that route might not be advisable after all)?

      I’m wishing you all the luck in this difficult situation!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      You could tell him that you can’t do 50 messages a day. Tell him what you are willing to do, perhaps one or two messages? And you could ask him what he wants to do to fill up his days now that he is partner-less. Explain how sometimes people need to deliberately build a plan to fill the time after a partner leaves.
      If he tells you he is still sad about the loss of the relationship, explain that is grief and it’s okay to be sad. We have tears for a reason and we need to use tears to help ourselves.

      OTH, you could explain that most of your friends only talk X times in Y interval. And that is pretty normal because of work/life/home responsibilities.

      1. JulieBulie*

        I think this is a good idea – setting firm and clear boundaries. “I’m really busy” doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone, but “I can text you a little bit after work” gives a more realistic expectation of when and how much he will he from you.

        As for the weekend visit – if you have the time for it, it might not be too bad as long as you make it clear that it is only the weekend, and it doesn’t mean you’ll be available 24/7 after you go home.

        My MO after a breakup was always to immerse myself in a new hobby. Thank goodness texting wasn’t invented yet, or I might have driven everyone crazy.

    4. LCL*

      You shouldn’t feel like a cow because you will be helping him. Tell him you have noticed he is having a hard time and should seek help.

    5. Merci Dee*

      How soon until you’re supposed to go for a visit? Have you already made reservations/purchased tickets/etc.? So much of this depends on the arrangements you’d talked about for the trip.

      If you were supposed to stay with your friend for the duration of the visit, would it be possible to change plans and find a hotel? That way, you could still see visit with your friend some, but you would have a hotel room to get away to if he became too much to deal with, and you could still see some of Newcastle.

      But if you decide you just don’t want to go, then don’t go. I’m a fan of being straight-forward, and I think it’s a totally valid response to tell someone, “I’m not coming because I don’t want to.” No excuses needed, no argument, no validation. You don’t want to go, so you don’t. Be kind when you say this, even maybe a little apologetic if he was looking forward to your visit. But, ultimately, keep in mind that nobody can force you to make a trip that you don’t want to, and that you have the right to change plans and stay home if you wish.

      (Best thing about being straight-forward? It also works the other way, too. “I’m going to buy those shoes/eat that piece of cake/go on that vacation/take that ballroom dancing class because I want to.” Period.)

      1. AnnaleighUK*

        I’m driving up and I’ve booked a hotel, he lives in a one bedroom flat and at 36 years old I’m a bit old for an inflatable mattress on the floor! I’m supposed to be going up in two weeks time so actually plenty of time to mull it over and cancel if needs be. I would still like to go to see the city but not with him in tow. I guess I could still go and sightsee and shop but then I run the risk of seeing him out in town. Hmm. At least I have some time to think it over! I’ve temporarily muted him on Messenger and flat out told him last night if he doesn’t stop messaging me I’ll block him totally.

        I’m off for a long bike ride today with some rational minded friends who sort of know Other Friend so I’ll pick their brains too but I think I’m going to have to be direct with him and deal with the drama llama reaction that will inevitably follow. Thanks guys!

        1. Jo*

          Try planning out your trip in advance, setting aside some blocks of time for him, and some solo time to sightsee, shop, whatever. Then if he tries to tag along, you can tell him that you’ve already made plans, booked a tour, are meeting up with someone else, whatever, but that you’ll be glad to see him again in the next block of time you’ve set aside for him. And be firm.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Just a thought: I have good friends that come to the area to visit and do things. They let me know where their open times are so we can get together. Usually we walk around and then have dinner or lunch somewhere. It doesn’t offend me that they are limiting their time with me, I can see that they have other stuff they want to do, too.
          Can you set a tone by saying, “I will be in the area for a day or two. I’d like to get together with you for a few hours during my stay. ” Yes, this is sort of preemptive. Before he asks you are telling him what your limits are.

          OTH, think about times where you wished people spent more time with you and they didn’t. What helped you through that mixed bag of emotions. Maybe you can draw on your own experience to find other ways of telling your friend “here are my limits”.

  23. Gingerbread*

    I logged on to Facebook for the first time in 5 years and found out one of my best friends died a couple months ago. We stopped communicating years ago for reasons that now seem insignificant.

    I want to reach out to her sister who I was also friends with, but I’m not even sure what to say. My friend and I stopped talking for stupid reasons (we were young, partying, boyfriend drama). This just doesn’t feel real.

    1. Purple snowdrop*

      Oh my god I’m so sorry. That sounds awful.

      In your shoes I would reach out to the sister, but very minimally at this stage: you don’t know how they have reacted to your guys not being friends any more from what you say, so you don’t want to risk adding drama to grief. Be led by her, I guess.

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      You have a good start here.

      You could say that you just became aware of Friend’s passing. “We stopped communicating a while ago for reasons that now seem insignificant.” Then continue on with, “I wanted you to know that I am so very sorry for your loss. And I will always remember Friend fondly because of [her great sense of humor; good times; road trip; whatever].”

      One thing. Do sign your full name and underneath say how you knew each other. I got a couple of sympathy cards and I have NO idea who the people are and they gave me no memory triggers to work with. I felt bad because I could not remember them.

    3. neverjaunty*

      I’m so sorry.

      You don’t need to say anything more elaborate to her sister other than expressing condolences for her and her family’s loss.

    5. WellRed*

      An old friend of mine that i stopped speaking with died. Hadn’t talked to her in 20 years. Her family welcomed me with open arms at wake/funeral. I was soooo nervous, though.

  24. The German Chick*

    I cleaned my cache and cookies but I still get redirected to spammy websites on my iPhone. Anyone else got the same problem?

      1. GermanGirl*

        Yup, I also have that problem, but only from my Smartphone (Android 7, Chrome-Browser and I also tried Adblock-Browser but same problem).
        Will use the ad-reporting box from my phone next time it happens.

        It’s no problem from my laptop (Ubuntu 16.4, Chrome-Browser), so it can’t be location.

    3. self employed*

      I finally caved and installed norton Adblock. It has helped SO much; navigating this site had become an exercise in frustration.

  25. Former Diet Coke Addict*

    Happy Canada Day, Canadians! What is everyone doing for the 150th? I’m visiting my in-laws in Edmonton, so after lunch we’ll be heading downtown to see the festival and fireworks at night.

    1. Colette*

      Happy Canada Day to you as well! I went downtown but didn’t go to Parliament Hill – I saw the inspection of the guard and a bunch of Parliament Hill stuff via the giant screens that were everywhere.

    2. Kate*

      We’re in Ottawa, walking distance to the Hill, and we have done NOTHING. Nada. zip.

      It rained all morning and we weren’t keen on standing in the lines in the rain with a toddler, and now she has had the king of all naps (4 hours!) so I am sitting here in my red Canada shirt with nowhere to go.

    3. Felicia*

      I did a 3 hour boat ride around the Toronto harbour front because my family got free tickets, and were staying in the area for fireworks later. The giant rubber duck is pretty cool

    4. HannahS*

      Nothing special, just watching the Ottawa stuff on TV. My family and I are making a weekend project of the double-page crossword from the Globe though! Something like 630 clues.

    5. AcademiaNut*

      I hit up the Canada Day celebration in Taipei. It was raining and I got soaked, but there were Bloody Caesars and poutine, and t-shirts for sale in sizes that actually fit me.

      One bonus to a Canada Day do in Taiwan is that there are no laws about alcohol in public parks. So I could buy my drink, and then wander around with it happily. The event itself (which attracts about 10,000 people) is more kid-oriented in the afternoon (face painting, bouncy castle, crafts), and shifts more to the live bands, dancing and drinking as night falls.

    6. Jules the First*

      Theoretically off to the Calgary fireworks in a bit…assuming the thunderstorm doesn’t force a postponement.

      1. Al Lo*

        There was some pretty crazy weather. We can hear the concerts from our window, and kept following the city account on twitter and listening to see when the programming on the stage actually started.

    7. Al Lo*

      Happy Canada Day! I’m in Calgary, and hang out downtown all day Canada Day every year. A performing group I manage performed this morning and early afternoon, and then we spend the rest of the day checking stuff out. Calgary’s downtown has really picked up for Canada Day over the past 5 years or so. Food trucks everywhere, at least 10-20 different stages with various entertainment, markets and craft fairs, tons of people hanging out… it’s a lot of fun.

      We live right on the main riverfront road that gets shut down and has the main evening concerts and the fireworks right off it, so we went out the front door of our apartment building and ate at the food trucks, and then listened to the Tegan and Sara concert (although didn’t push through to get a spot in front of the stage) and watched the fireworks, and were home in 5 minutes. It’s kind of perfect.

      1. Jules the First*

        Ha. Envy. It took us an hour to get out of Crescent Heights last night. Fireworks were cool though!

  26. MechanicalPencil*

    I posted several weeks ago about how to find a therapist/what sort of therapy might be right for the non couch “tell me your life story” types. With a combination of Good Therapy and Pyschology Today’s websites (and my own insurance’s list of covered therapists), I had my first session this week. It wasn’t exactly what I expected and yet it was. I’m not sure how beneficial it will be just yet but my fingers are crossed.

    1. MechanicalPencil*

      Early post — thanks everyone for the help and the nudge. It felt weirdly good to talk to someone candidly who didn’t automatically side for someone else.

  27. Sugar of lead*

    Also-also, guys, I’m thinking of moving into an apartment soon. I’ve been crashing with relatives the past few years so it will be my first time living alone. Ideally I’d have my own place, which is affordable where I’d be living, but I’m also open to the idea of roommates. What advice do you have for someone in this situation?

    2. JulieBulie*

      Roommates can be great, or they can be awful. A lot of it depends on how easygoing and tolerant you are; if you are neat, fussy, sloppy, etc.; if you are outgoing and like to entertain a lot; how you would feel about a roommate who wants to entertain a lot.

      I’m an introvert and I really prefer to live alone, but if you think you’d enjoy (or not mind) having a roommate, you can afford a MUCH nicer apartment and/or save a lot of money.

      I remember one apartment complex I looked at long ago, it was expensive but they said they might be able to match me up with a roommate. (It was a place where people had to be bonded, so there presumably wouldn’t have been a problem with nonpayment of rent.) I ended up living somewhere else, so it didn’t happen. I’m just curious if that’s a common thing, for the management to do tht.

    3. JulieBulie*

      Also – if you can, talk to some people who live in the neighborhood/apartment complex before you decide. You can find out things like noisy neighbors, crime, bedbugs, bad management, etc. that could be dealbreakers.

    4. Sherry*

      There are a lot of good things about good roommates. It can be nice to share a space, and have someone ask how your day was. They could become your friend, or introduce you to their circle of friends. They can encourage good habits — I had a roommate who was a health nut, for example, and they were a good influence on me. And you can live in a nicer apartment while paying less rent.

      There are nice things about living on your own, though, too, of course. Even if you have an A+ roommate, it’s nice to be alone sometimes, or just to make certain decisions without consulting someone.

  28. Wendy Darling*

    I thought my dog was getting over whatever stomach bug he had but then he pooped EVERYWHERE in the night again and I got to spend my entire morning cleaning the carpet. So we went to the vet and he got an antibiotic and a probiotic and an anti-nausea shot and $200 in diagnostics.

    On the plus side he is apparently a gleaming paragon of health other than, you know, being a poop terrorist at the moment. He just has a sensitive stomach and something disagreed with him. I feel bad for him because he clearly feels dreadful, but I also feel bad for me because I have spent the last entire week cleaning poop, talking to vets and my partner about poop, and worrying about poop. My friend who has a potty training 2.5 year old and I are feeling an odd kinship.

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      I am having the same problem with pee! The dog tested negative for Cushings disease, but positive for diabetes. But the Vet kept him on a pill to lower his cortisol levels anyway. When all the tests came back clean and his levels were lowered and his blood sugar good, he said we could start weaning him off the anti-cortisol drugs if we wanted to, but to watch for symptoms.

      The dog leaking pee all over is a symptom. :P So called to see if we can pick up more of the pills before they close today at 1. I gave him a pill today and we have one for tomorrow, and they ARE open Monday, so we’re good until then. Just Ugh! :P

      1. Wendy Darling*

        Ugh, bodily fluids. My dog came to me with the worst UTI known to dogkind, so my entire life was dog pee for the first six weeks while we ran through three different antibiotics trying to clear that up.

        Also that was a very stressful time for him (he was picked up as a stray, held in a shelter, neutered, and then adopted out) and now he responds to stress by sneaking away and peeing on something. So I frequently realize something has upset the dog when I find a pee spot.

        Fortunately he’s otherwise an incredibly charming dog.

    2. Shayland*

      Ugh.

      Some what related: I’ve been deep cleaning my apartment because with one of my dog’s UTI issues she has peed over literally every inch of tile and I’ve been neglecting basic cleaning that doing the dishes for a while due to other crazy intense life stuff.

      So, while I was cleaning my young dog just would not leave me alone. I thought it was because he’d never seen my get on my hands and knees and scrub the floor, he kept licking my head and trying to hump me. So I put him in my bedroom. I didn’t bother to put him in a crate.

      He peed all over the floor.

      Usually he tries to get my attention to let me know he needs to go out by whining. And he should have been fine for a few more hours.

      Ugh.

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      I am so sorry! Been there! I highly recommend a probiotic daily. It has been fairly life changing for my dog. His poops totally changed and he used to get diarrhea all the time and tons of stomach “bugs” and he was always on metronidizale (sp?), but now he hasn’t had anything for over a year. Our vet recommended we do it. I order one from Chewy called Vetriscience, it’s the every day probiotic for GI health.

      1. Wendy Darling*

        He’s actually usually great but when he has a GI problem he goes big. This is the second time he’s had trouble, and the last time the vet and I freaked out and checked for cancer or a puncture because he was bleeding from both ends. Nope, he just ate something that didn’t agree with him and got the worst case of gastritis ever, and was fine after 2 weeks on a bland diet. Better safe than sorry, I guess, but boy howdy was that expensive…

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Yeah I’ve been there with mine too :( He had to be admitted once for testing and get hooked up to an IV for medication then subcutaneous fluids for dehydration. It sucks! I hope your little guy has a speedy recovery!

  29. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Month 2 begins of no contact with toxic nmom/edad. It feels so quiet, like a summer getaway, and so serene. After her overreacting saying the SO and I were liars when we tried to tell her some things outside our control.

    After this month, I’m contemplating once a month email tiny updates to my dad so he knows I’m alive, then no contact beyond that.

    I spent a quiet morning cleaning my apt, then am venturing off for a relaxing town stroll.

    I had a weird dream I was in the countryside taking a picture with a pistol-shaped vintage camera, which made the scenery unbelievably beautiful–shades of auburn and greens etc. and I felt so happy/adventurous with the unknown ahead. What’s this dream mean?

    Also, what are fun free activities you like to do on weekends?

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      The first thing I thought when you were talking about going no contact is that I hoped you would be able to last long enough to realize how peaceful it is! It takes a little while for the echoes of their abuse to die down, it depends on the individual, but eventually their voice in your head fades away, and it’s so peaceful!

      If you email your dad and he tends to be an enabler, consider closing the email with something about how you’ve been taking a break from email and just checked in to let him know everything’s fine. That sets the expectation that you won’t respond, even if you do read his response pretty quickly.

    2. JulieBulie*

      Your dream means that you ate too much before you went to bed. That was my first thought, anyway. But I’ve learned to keep thinking beyond the first thought.

      There’s that feeling you had. It probably really is how you feel. You’ve had a couple of months of peace and quiet without the constant toxic influence of your parents. Maybe you are wondering what your life will be like without all that destructive noise. It is a little like starting a new adventure with the unknown ahead. And it is also like seeing colors you’ve never seen before.

      Fun free stuff during the summer – I don’t know. I mostly hang around at home catching up on chores. If it’s a hot day and you like the library, that’s good. I visit my grandmother and my sister and play with my nieces and nephews. I have a ton of DVDs to watch. But the rest is chores. I don’t mind doing them on a nice day.

    3. Fenchurch*

      My location has a lot of free entertainment available for the summertime. Free concerts outdoors, free movie nights at local parks, “festivals” that are more like craft fairs, and even a local kite flying festival. Try looking into your area for fun things like that! You could also invest in lawn games or see if there’s a local board game store that allows groups to play for free.

    4. Sherry*

      Free things to do:
      Hike (your town might have trails within city limits!)
      Picnic
      Read
      Crossword puzzle (you’d have to buy the paper)
      Music/street festivals (a lot of towns have some)
      Work on a hobby, like yoga, writing, music, photography, cooking, jogging, etc.
      Gardening
      Meet a friend, and walk in the park
      Museums often have a free day once a month
      Declutter (I enjoy this, but I might be weird)
      Not free, but sometimes you can rent bikes or canoes for, like, $5 or $10. Fun way to explore!
      Volunteer

  30. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Has anyone used one of those online interior decorating services where they do everything virtually rather than in-person, and if so, were you happy with them? (Examples: Havenly, Decorist, etc.) I’m using Laurel and Wolf for one of the rooms in our new house, and while the process isn’t done yet, so far I’ve been underwhelmed and feel like they’re not suggesting things that I couldn’t easily have figured out on my own. I’m curious what other people’s experience has been.

    1. Bibliovore*

      I have not used on line services. I have hired an interior designer who worked on two things. One was my home office.I am not typical in my needs- my book shelves are organized by publication month and I only hold at home six months of galleys/ ARCs organized by month and publisher and 12 months of picture books that are weeded monthly to come up with the best of the year. Nothing stays past six months unless I think it will win an award. The interior designer helped me realize what I really needed in the room and what to spend money on…
      no desk- I write on a laptop on a couch. The couch is a fold out and was pricey.
      no coffee table- I have hand made stools from Scott Jorden that fit together like puzzle pieces.

      When we moved I hired an interior designer to help with the placement of the furniture and where to hand our clothes.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        That’s interesting about your office! I’m not planning on having a desk in my new office either, since I like writing from a couch now. I’m just planning to have a chaise lounge, a filing cabinet, and a small table. Maybe an arm chair too if it fits.

    2. Aphrodite*

      I have not but I wouldn’t do it either. Interestingly, Apartment Therapy has had a couple of posts on those and if I remember correctly the results were mixed.

      May I ask the reason you used one? Did you feel a pro might give you more options and ideas than you could come up with on your own? It depends on each person, of course, but I believe most of us can do better than we think especially if we are talking about online services only.

      My sense–and it’s only mine–is that passionate amateurs tend to do much better than pros. Sure, we may not have access to “trade only” showrooms but using shelter magazines (AD, Veranda, House Beautiful, Elle Decor, Traditional Home, HGTV magazine) and online sources (AT, Decoholic, Emily Henderson, etc.) and your own sense you will likely come up with more satisfying and personalized and workable spaces that feel and work right for you. I am sure pros will disagree. But then I dislike the coldness and perfectionism of pro-designed spaces.

      Best of luck! I know you can do it.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Originally I just wanted advice on paint colors, but then I thought what the hell — it could be interesting to see what they’d recommend for the whole room. Counterintuitively, it’s actually making me trust my own instincts more though.

        1. Bibliovore*

          The person who helped me with my home office gave good suggestions on brands. The couch is Carlyle. She also recommended waiting until the floor sample sale for a deep discount. I did that. She also encouraged me to heat the floor as the front room skewed cold. oh, and have the electrician move an outlet to the bookshelf near the doorway to create a docking station and landing space for my laptop, iPad, and phone. And if you look to the right of the couch that is my dog’s crate.

        2. Aphrodite*

          And maybe that is THE best reason for having consulted one. You are now more confident in your opinions and ideas.

          Honestly, I think many of us “know.” It’s when we are convinced that someone else knows better that we question our own instincts. But read enough decor magazines, books and websites and I believe we get enough education to improve our own tastes.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          I am laughing. My friend who was helping me with my house did not like some of the colors I chose. Matter of fact he really hated some of them. One color was a coral and he kept calling it brown. The more of this he did, the more I liked the color and decided that I could make this work. I put olive green and eggplant purple with it and it came out GREAT. I overheard him telling someone, “It looks like a magazine.” ha! Not really, but I am happy with it.

          My theory is that we already know what colors we want, we are just overwhelmed by the choices out there. I bought whatever I found on the clearance tables that I liked. Paint departments mark down their “oops” paints and you can get some bargains. Recently I bought a 5 gallon bucket of paint, originally $211 for $30 bucks. It’s the best paint I have ever bought- it is one tough paint.

        4. Call me St. Vincent*

          Interior designer Laurel Bern has an amazing website about design generally but specifically with regard to paint colors. I credit her website for helping me find paint colors for my whole house. Her blog is called Laurel Bern interiors. The actual decorating stuff is a bit “decoratey” and expensive for my taste but she is truly amazing for paint colors and inspiration.

            1. Call me St. Vincent*

              Glad I could help! She really saved us in terms of our paint choices, especially her article on all the zillions of white paints. I ended up using Cotton Balls by Ben Moore on all my ceilings, doors and trim and it is gorgeous. I could never have found that color without her guide.

      2. JamieS*

        I agree with this if we’re exclusively referring to the amateur’s own space. If you’re someone who can visualize what you want then you’re going to know what’s best for you and your tastes. Now if we’re talking about who’d do a better job for another random person my money is on the pro.

        1. Bibliovore*

          I have very little spacial relations ability. I needed someone to walk me through how I would use the space. If you look at my office picture. The interior designer suggested the couch under the window after she saw that I worked tucked into the corner of the couch sideways with my knees and feet up and could see out of the window. The couch previously was on the right side wall and we were thinking of the built in shelves under and around the window space and the dog crate in the living room area. She also suggested the Morris pattern curtains to echo the Arts and Crafts design through the apartment. She recommended getting rid of a rocker that no one used and not to replace it as this space was a writing one and did I need to encourage anyone to come in an sit down? She also noted that I was a pile-er not a file-er and we got rid of my file cabinet. I then moved important records into file boxes that went in the closet between the shelves. Current work in paper was in a horizontal sorter. Since the picture books were held horizontal, the top of the bookshelves became my “desk” surface for current work.
          She suggested the fabric on the couch that was neutral. I had done a vision board and the color that kept showing up was a sage-y green. On the wall on the right the carpenter built had hanging shelves with open backs that the color showed through.

          1. JamieS*

            I’m the same way. I know a couple things I like and don’t like. I lean towards darker colors but I wouldn’t want the room dark and uninviting, I like a more open space so wouldn’t like a room cramped with stuff, I hate floral, and I dislike wooden furniture. I’m ok with something like wooden coffee table legs but they can’t be wood color.

            Beyond those few things I literally wouldn’t be able to decide anything. If I ever need an interior designer I plan to tell him my budget, the preferences I listed above, and let him have 100% control beyond that.

    3. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      I used Havenly, and while it was super fun it didn’t end up working for us at all.

      I have NO sense of design, so we did get good ideas, but the room layout just didn’t work. We had them do our living room, which is long and has four entrances (including one set of french doors) and a central arch. It’s complex, and that’s why we needed help. But even though I was incredibly thorough in describing the room and the potential pitfalls the design they gave us totally ignored traffic flow (and door swing clearances and etc.)

    4. Emmie*

      I used Havenly for my living room and then my dining room. I had a wonderful experience with my living room. I did the full mock up and it’s all put together now. I’m happy to send pics privately if you like. I didn’t like my dining room. Different designer, lower budget so I did my own thing building off my previous living room design. It was fun!

        1. Emmie*

          I sent them, Alison. If you have any questions or issues opening the attachments, please let me know!

  31. Kat*

    How do you make friends in your 30s? I would appreciate some useful suggestions. I am an introvert but I’m a social one, and I don’t have many close friends nearby. I don’t need a massive circle, but one or two more to do things with occasionally would be really nice. I don’t have many from university, for various reasons, and my workplace is small (I have all the friends I’m getting from there, and to be honest I want other friends away from my office). It seems hard unless you’re into loads of hobbies. I guess I should join groups, but the introversion thing makes that hard to face. I need to make some moves somehow though as I am often lonely, and I’m single too (not that I mind being single, but it’s one less connection).

    Other than this, I’m having a relaxing weekend and have managed to start the process of having a difficult conversation with someone, which will be a bit sucky but it’s necessary.

    1. Don't turn this name into a hyperlink*

      I’m gonna be in the same place as you soon. I’m pushing 30 and don’t have that many friends IRL after finishing school. I don’t really know how to help, other than suggest conventions and the like if you’re remotely nerdy (speaking as someone who is, software-related events have widened my circle a ton, but that’s because we’re a peculiar breed). But I will wish you the very best.

      1. Anxa*

        The hard part for me is that I don’t feel lonely. I have a long-term, live in SO. I have friends I talk to.

        But if I were to break down on the drive home tomorrow, I would have literally no one to call. I would have my boyfriend’s car and know noone else locally.

    2. Lady Jay*

      I can’t say that I’ve found people I go to dinner/fun activities with, the way I did in college, but I do some volunteering at the local library & I go to yoga once a week or so, and this at least approximates friendships! I see the same people regularly, I like them & keep up with their lives, and sometimes we have deep/engaging conversations (e.g. nature of art, ethics of writing papers for hire, etc.) It’s filled a social gap in my life, and I appreciate this.

      Plus, as an introvert, I love that yoga & volunteering are limited to *set times*. I know that at a certain point, I get to leave and do my own thing again. :)

      1. hermit crab*

        I do some volunteering at the local library & I go to yoga once a week or so, and this at least approximates friendships! I see the same people regularly, I like them & keep up with their lives, and sometimes we have deep/engaging conversations.

        This is my approach too! I volunteer at a couple of places and I do water aerobics at the local pool. I don’t hang out with any of the people outside of those activities (though sometimes I will run into someone around town and we have a chat, which makes me feel all excited to be part of a community) — but they’re a major source of social interaction for me, and I’ve known some of them for years now. The water aerobics folks are a relationship I particularly value, since I’m the youngest person in that group by like 30 years and I find it really fun to get out of my little “young professional” bubble.

        1. Kat*

          Yes I go to yoga every week and I have become friends with a lady there who’s about 20 years older than me, which is really nice. She has a family, though, and I actually would like to find more friends my own age, even though I genuinely don’t mind how old people are. I guess I mean ‘life stage’ rather than age here. I would like to volunteer but not sure where.

    3. Shayland*

      I’m currently trying to use OKcupid. I’ve found a lot of people I think are really interesting, however I’m feeling really awkward with the whole “let’s meet in person!” part.

      I’d also like to recommend finding events happening in your city that you are interested in. Swing dancing, slam poetry, BDSM party, panel discussions, museum and art gallery openings, and make a point of being friendly and social there.

      I’m not a big fan of the relationship part of things, but I love being open to new and exciting social experiences.

      1. Kat*

        I met a couple of friends through OKC years ago, but I find these days it’s much less geared towards friendship than it was 10 years ago.

        I like the idea of social experiences, but it can be daunting to think about going alone, which I guess is why I hardly ever do. Perhaps I need to have a beer before I go!

    4. Loopy*

      Oh I’m in this boat. I started volunteering doing something I like anyway and it’s been about a year and I think I’m getting to the friends point with one of the girls. Yes this is slow but I’m only there 4 hours a week. I think maybe it just takes longer when you get older and people have more commitments and their time is less free.

    6. Temperance*

      I’ve met some super cool women at craft beer meetups. It’s initially scary, and I’m kind of an introvert, but I needed a change. The shared hobby made it easier.

      1. Kat*

        Oh there’s one of those, but it seems to be all men (or mostly men) from what I can tell. Which is why I haven’t gone. Hmm

        1. Temperance*

          The ones that I’ve attended are specifically FOR women, which makes them way better.

          1. Kat*

            I don’t think there’s one where I am, maybe it’s too small a place. I could start one but I’m not really a leader/organiser. But I just joined another group that sounds nice, so I might see what events they have on.

    7. K.*

      It’s so funny, because almost everyone I know has asked that question, myself included – you’d think it would be easier! I do think it’s hard if you’re single and childless – a lot of my friends with kids befriend their kids’ friends’ parents.

      I made a couple of new “happy hour” friends this year through a toxic workplace – I wouldn’t recommend going that route!

      1. Kat*

        Yeah, I don’t know why it is so hard, surely not everyone is done with making friends by the time they’re 30! Things change. I’ve done a few activities but they tended not to yield any friends or at least not people my own age.

    8. 30ish*

      Maybe there are some friends of friends you could get to know better? That’s how I met most of my friends, through other friends. A good way is to go to any and all parties/gatherings at friends’ houses that you’re invited to and strike up conversations with everyone you find interesting, rather than talking only to your friends. You could also ask your existing friends directly if they know someone else who might be a good friend match for you.

      1. 30ish*

        Oh, also, keep your expectations low and don’t talk to people with the intent of becoming friends. Think of it as just getting to know more people. Sometimes something more develops, and sometimes it just doesn’t. You might need a lot of patience.
        Another thing I do is I often spontaneously invite people I’m not yet close to to join me at an event. People are usually happy and grateful to be invited and it’s very low-key “I’m going there anyway, meet me at X if you want to join me”. Basically I try to clearly express interest in anyone that seems nice and give them a first point of contact so to speak. The people who then follow up are the ones you want to get to know better!

      2. Kat*

        I agree that this is a good route and I would like that! I don’t get invited to many things like that, though (mainly because of the lack of friends). I did once ask a friend if he would consider asking me to come next time he and a group went for a drink, but he didn’t want to. Fair enough, I did try! My other friend has a few times asked me to go walking with her and her other friends. I guess I have always resisted because they all know each other and I only know my friend, no one else. That can be scary, for me! But I might bite the bullet and try to go next time she asks. That’s my problem sometimes… the terror of meeting groups of people!

    9. Cat*

      I’m a social introvert too, so while I love spending time alone, I’m also happiest when I have a few close friends in the area.

      The Meetup app was great for me when I moved to a new city, and it’s free. They do have specific hobby groups, but my favorite was a group for women in my city in my age group. They had all kinds of activities like seeing a movie or going to brunch, but for new members they had regular coffee shop meetings. Everyone was very kind and welcoming.

      Good luck!

  32. CoffeeLover*

    What do you do for fun with your SO in the evenings and on weekends? I find we’ve been spending so much time just watching Netflix. We live in a very high cost city and it’s really expensive to go out for drinks/eating, so I’m looking for at home ideas. We’re planning to buy some board games so would also love to hear any 2 player game suggestions.

    1. CityMouse*

      I end up doing a lot of walking. Just walking down to a spot, hanging out for a bit, and walking back.

      Boardgames are a great idea (although they can be expensive too). For two player games I love Jaipur and Splendor, for two.

      1. anon24*

        Second on the walking. It’s a great way to spend time and relax/connect after a long day and it ends up being good for you mentally and physically and as a couple. Once in awhile we will treat ourselves and stop for ice cream but mostly we just walk around town and come back.
        Another fun thing to do is to find lists they have online of questions to ask each other on long car trips. We did a couple of those and it was hilarious plus you don’t realize how little you know about the person you married when it comes to shallow things (like what super power would you pick. Mine btw would be to control the weather ). It was fun reconnecting with the little stuff and it doesn’t cost anything!

        1. Cafe au Lait*

          My husband & I like to bike around different neighborhoods and look in backyards. (From the sidewalk or street. We don’t creep on your property). We discuss what makes the landscaping work, and how it was pulled together. It gives me a ton of fodder for planning our dream house.

    2. Mrs. Fenris*

      Jigsaw puzzles! I am not kidding. We set up 1,000-piece puzzles on the dining room table and work on them on and off for weeks. Our favorites are the Charles Wysocki Americana paintings.

      1. D.W.*

        Seconding this! My fiancé and I really enjoy doing puzzles together. We’ve started glueing and framing them for decorations too. Our favorites are landscapes and life images (villages, people at carnivals, portraits, etc.).

    3. Elkay*

      Two player games: Hive, Ticket to Ride, Carcassone, Backgammon, Love Letter (or any variant of it).

      If you’re local to a university or museum you like see if they have an events mailing list. Memberships are good too, we find we’re happy just going for an hour or two if we’ve already got an annual membership to somewhere.

    4. Never Nicky*

      Geocaching … basically walking with the motivation of finding “stuff”. Our area of the UK is also very social so there are free/cheap meet ups including environmental work parties.

      1. Anonymity itself*

        Letterboxing too! It’s like the old fashioned version of geocaching- you get clues online from atlas quest.com and find hidden boxes that contain a log book and a (often hand-carved) rubber stamp. You can bring your own note and and inkpad to get a copy of their stamp, and some kind of stamp of your own to “sign” their logbook. I’ve done it with my family or other friends, at places within driving distance and on vacations- there’s over 800 in my state, and we’ve gotten to see so many cool, out-of-the-way places while finding them.

    5. Stella's Mom*

      If there are museums in your city, perhaps they have free days once per month (a lot of Europe has First Sundays Free at museums) or combined discount memberships?

      Walking: I do a lot of walking and I live in a very expensive place. Take a train or bus or drive out a bit and go for a walk. All it costs is gas. Pack a picnic. Or a bike ride if you have bikes.

      Are there community colleges that host short term classes to learn something new together, that are low cost?

      In terms of stuff to do at home, I’d recommend a pack of cards and card game books from Amazon. How about massage/spa days at home treating each other to a massage, etc?

    7. Natalie*

      My husband and I have this problem, too. Various things we’ve done: walk our dog around (or just walk ourselves), jigsaw puzzles, cook something together.

      One thing we really enjoyed was taking a drawing class together and then doing the required practice together, too. It was a little pricey because we had to buy a bunch of drawing things, but now we have it and can take more drawing classes. You could probably find any number of classes if art doesn’t interest you or if you already draw.

    8. BRR*

      Adventure time has a series of 2 player games. 7 wonders duel. Pandemic, which is 2+ and it’s nice because it’s co-op.

      1. Aealias*

        Love Pandemic!
        Forbidden Desert/Forbidden Island are also cooperative games you can play with only 2 players. Very hard to win, but lots of fun.
        Agricola can be played by 2-players. My husband and six-year-old love to play it together – it’s too complicated for me! (How embarrassing.)
        Probe is seriously old-school, but I’m a word-geek and love this hang-man-ish game. And of course, you could always learn chess!

    9. Candy*

      My husband and I live in a small studio apartment so we don’t spend a lot of time at home but one of our favourite things to do in the evenings is make dinner. That probably doesn’t sound like a fun activity to everyone but we really enjoy it. We put on some music, open a bottle of wine, and spend an hour or so cooking and talking and drinking and then another hour or so eating and talking and drinking. Sometimes this takes up the entire night. I love it.

      I know you just want at home ideas but these are some of the things we do out that aren’t super expensive (keeping in mind we live two blocks from a beach and one block from a main street with shops and restaurants and bars so we’re really close to a lot of happening things):

      We’ll take a bottle of wine, pistachios, and a deck of cards and sit at the beach or in the park and talk and play rummy and people-watch for a few hours < $10

      On donation nights, we'll visit the art gallery with whatever loose change we have in our pockets. < $5

      Some nights we'll go for a jog along the water as the sun is setting. Stop and watch other people's dogs run around the beach. Beautiful and free

      On weekends, we'll take our bikes out for the day, stop for a drink at a cafe somewhere or maybe hit some garage sales before heading back < $10

      Go see a local band < $30-40

      Or hit a no-cover DJ night < $30

      Grab a six pack and meet up with friends to drink beers in the park < $15

      I don't remember what we do in the winter haha… I prefer to stay inside where it's warm and read or sew while my husband, who is incapable of standing still, will go out and meet up with guys at the cafe where, I assume, they drink one espresso after another while talking about soccer for hours

    10. Temperance*

      I have SO MANY suggestions on games. We’re hardcore nerds, though, FWIW. so YMMV.

      1. Fluxx is a favorite. We like Cthulu the most. I have the board game as well as a few decks of the cards.
      2. Pandemic
      3. Love Letters
      4. Smash Up

    11. Fiennes*

      Bananagrams! If you’re word nerds.

      Also – this is still screen time, and it’s SO NERDY – but my partner and I got a couple of courses from the Teaching Company/Great Courses and work through them together. We spent the other night discussing Clovis and Frankish culture from our early Middle Ages class! A lot of times we search out additional books on these topics later. Again, super nerdy – but we’ve learned a lot & never run out of things to talk about.

    12. CorruptedbyCoffee*

      My husband and I enjoy 2 person scattagories, boggle and quirkle. We also play one player adventure games together (video games) where we work as a team to solve the puzzles.

  33. StressedbyBro*

    This has been a longstanding issue in my life, but I’m wondering if anyone else has dealt with a sibling who lies about things, and how to balance being an aunt/uncle with your relationship with that sibling.

    My brother has had a long history of lying about things, and I know he’s told his wife a lot of things about our family and how we treated him that just aren’t true. Like a friend of his asked me about my mom once beating him at our sister’s birthday, and I was there, and it just didn’t happen – she grounded him, my parents never laid a hand on any of us. But of course, when I try to tell him or his friends that it didn’t happen, he’ll say I’m being selective in my memory or I participated (FWIW, my brother is a few years older, but he’ll tell stories about stuff that happened when we were teenagers that’s just absurdly not true).

    He tells everyone these stories about how we abused him, but it just isn’t true, and it makes me very frustrated to hear my parents and sister dragged through the mud like this. But if we try to correct him we’re “making him the scapegoat” or we’re “gaslighting” him. And I’m sure people reading this will go “are you sure he’s not telling the truth”, but he’s just not. But then he guilts us about not seeing his kids, and then when we go to see them we get yelled at (we always seem to end up paying for things at these events too).

    I don’t know if I can do it anymore – I don’t know how to prove the stuff didn’t happen other than my sister and I and parents all agree it didn’t and there are some cases where my childhood friends or relatives were there and back us up. My aunt once publicly called him out on a lie, and of course the next lie was about something horrible my aunt had done. My parents want to see their grandkids so they put up with it, but I’ve lost patience. I love my nephews but I can’t keep my mouth shut anymore, especially now my Dad has cancer and hearing made up stories about him doing stuff makes me especially rageful because I know it hurts my dad. I’ve sort of been greyrocking my brother, but I feel bad for not being an involved aunt.

    Maybe I just need to vent – does anyone have any suggestions?

    1. neverjaunty*

      Stop trying to correct him. When you do that, you’re saying “My memory is objective truth and yours is a lie” – and he’s not going to say, my goodness, you’re right, I clearly remembered that wrong. (Especially if he has convinced himself those memories are true, or if there is truth mixed in.)

      And keep in mind that this dynamic is very common when people are abuse survivors – family members gaslight them and insist it never happened, their memories are lies, Mom never hit me so it’s impossible that she hit you, etc. So it’s not surprising that other people are listening to your brother.

      If you aren’t willing to distance yourself, then focus on what your memories are rather than on what you think your brother “should” remember. “My recollection of that party is very different than yours.” “I don’t know why you remember X happened, but my memory is Y.” It’s a very different situation to argue about what your memories are vs. what “really” happened.

      1. StressedbyBro*

        To be clear, I normally don’t bother telling him he’s wrong. It’s only when he gets really belligerent or says something particularly horrible that I end up snapping. He does have a pattern of wheedling and saying nasty things until my sister or I snap at him – he’s being doing it since we were kids.

        Part of me thinks he believes the lies at this point. Memory isn’t a tape, I know that, and I think he’s convinced himself of some things. But it doesn’t change the truth or the fact that my parents and my sister do not deserve his level of abuse.

        I am worried about the pattern continuing. I’ve seen him gaslight his oldest son telling him he’s being punished for things he didn’t do.

        1. Myrin*

          Okay, now, as macabre as that sounds, it might end up “positive” for your relationship with your nephews if he’s indeed treating them the same way. If they see that he’s making up stuff and telling them things they know aren’t true, they may, once old enough (or even not! Children work in surprising ways sometimes!), extrapolate that that’s exactly what’s been happening between him und the rest of his family, too.

          I distinctly remember there was a discussion here once about people who’s abusive parents told them growing up that their aunts/uncles/extended family were horrible but who later, once escaped from the abusers’ clutches, went on to have excellent relationships with the formaly estranged part of their family. It’s obviously horrible he’s doing this to you nephew but it might make him (nephew, not your brother) want to be closer to you/someone who isn’t his father.

          I’m really sorry this is happening. It stinks. :(

        2. neverjaunty*

          Knowing the pattern is there is the best way to step out of it. You know he’s going to wheedle and lie until you snap; change the script. Walk away. Don’t argue with him. Reply with non-answers like “Hm, interesting” or “I see.” He may well have convinced himself that he’s right, and of course you don’t deserve his abuse – but you can’t expect that anything you say is going to change him. All you can change is how you deal with him.

      2. Florida*

        “My memory is objective truth and yours is a lie.” This is a great description. Thank you.

    2. Anon for this*

      I don’t have any advice, but I definitely have sympathy. My uncle was like this. It was part of a pattern of manipulative, abusive behavior. He’s never shown any ability or desire to stop himself. He’s been disowned. I’m sad that this is probably painful for him, but at the same time, I can’t say I miss him.

      You sound like you want to be a good sister and a good aunt, and I get that your family wants to keep their relationships with him. Maybe they think he just needs more patience or another chance or more love… Well, maybe he does? But that doesn’t mean you have to put up with his behavior.

      Maybe he’s using this behavior to fulfill a need or handle an issue. You don’t have to be the one to fulfill that need. Maybe he means another chance at a good relationship. He can get that from someone else. Maybe he needs validation or support. Again, someone else can do it! It doesn’t have to be you. It doesn’t have to be your other family members, either, but I’m not really addressing them here because you can only really work on your own choices, not theirs. There are even people whose entire jobs consist of providing appropriate support!

      It’s not your responsibility to continue dealing with his crap so that he can get his needs met. Someone could actually argue that trying to get along with him is like enabling him, allowing whatever issue is causing his behavior to worsen, when having boundaries might lead him to think about what he’s doing.

      Take care of yourself and do what’s right for you. Whatever that is, it’s going to be a huge relief.

      2. StressedbyBro*

        I do think the lies started as excuses. My brother got into dealing drugs in high school and lashed out when my parents and grandmother tried to help him. He eventually cleaned up, but by then he’d thrown away his chance at college, and he’s been stuck in dead end jobs.

        On the other hand, my sister and I both kept on the straight and narrow and excelled at school. I’ve noticed my brother will try to claim some of our accomplishments, like he claims he was a National Merit Scholar or got a perfect verbal SAT (both were my sister). I think he can’t face up to the fact that he messed up.

        1. Anon for this*

          That makes a lot of sense. Telling lies to “explain” things about himself that he feels self-conscious about could explain why he behaves like this with people outside of the family, too.

    3. Shayland*

      Man, that’s rough, I’m sorry you’re going through that. I think you don’t have to worry about being a good aunt, because part of being a good aunt in the eyes of the children is their parents speaking well of you and making that relationship possible in the first place.

    4. Lizabeth*

      How old are the kids? Depending on the age can you arrange an afternoon out with just them? And what does bro’s wife have to say about all this?

      1. Em Too*

        Even with tiny ones, depending how close you live, you could just take them out to play for an hour or something. Generally parents love a little time to themselves too.

      2. StressedbyBro*

        They are 5 and 2. They live on the other side of the country, so it isn’t possible.

        1. Lizabeth*

          You can be a “good aunt” by sending the 5 year old the occasional card (monthly) to let them know that you’re thinking of them. And include the younger one with a PS for the older to tell them until they’re old enough to get their own mail.

    5. Temperance*

      I don’t doubt that you are telling the truth, but I want to provide the other perspective. My mother has serious mental health issues, and my middle sister and I were absolutely the scapegoats. She never abused my brother in the same way, and she only recently started taking things out on our youngest sister because we’re not in her life to scapegoat. My brother doesn’t doubt us because he’s seen her Hulk out, but he hasn’t been the target.

      1. StressedbyBro*

        No I get that people often react with “well maybe you missed something” and so on, but there are things like objective events (like, say my sister’s high school graduation) where he’ll claim things happened that just didn’t. I promise I’ve gone over events multiple times and the things he claims just didn’t happen. He’s claimed I did things too (I’m younger and smaller) like he claims I once slashed him with a knife when I was 16 – but I didn’t. It makes me really stressed out because people ALWAYS seem to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe these horrible horrible things that just. didn’t. happen.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      This sounds like stuff that goes on in my family, too.

      You can’t help people who won’t let you help them. This is a fact regardless of whether the person is telling lies/telling the truth/telling a mix of lies and truth. It’s a core fact that we can’t help people who don’t want help, regardless of the surrounding circumstances.

      I am a bit burned out so you have to let that weigh in with what I am saying. My vote is to go with the people who are accepting help. With what you say here, this would be your parents.

      From what you have said here, your bro is in a bad spot and it will take more than one person to pull him out of that spot and that is IF he allows them to help. This means that you are probably not going to fix this. You are better off just putting your energy into helping people who are receptive.

      I spent almost twenty years trying to help my mother. What they say about helping people who don’t want help is true: If you try to help these folks then you, yourself, will probably become injured in some manner. And it’s happening to you already, you are filling up with anger, sadness, frustration and other emotions that come with being hurt. I got plenty injured, while not physically injured there were many other ways that I was hurt by my insistence on helping her. The same advice holds for trying to settle the story. This, too, will only cause you more and more hurt.
      I think it’s best just to focus on where you can be of help.
      I’m sorry this is happening in your family.

      One thought that I came up with that helps me sometimes is, MAYBE someone did hurt my family member in the manner the family member is saying. But it is not the person that family member says it was. While not a magic bullet, it does allow me some rest from hashing the stories over and over again.

      As far as the kids are concerned, all you can do is keep an eye on them. When I got older I hunted down my relatives and maybe they will, too.

  34. Audiophile*

    It’s moving day! Glad the Fourth of July is in Tuesday, since that gives me more time move stuff.

    I’ve done most of my packing today and it’s largely odds and ends. Mostly books, movies, journals. I’m leaving sensitive documents with my mom, since I don’t need those every day. I’ve gotten rid of a lot clothes, jeans that no longer fit, shirts I won’t wear again, etc. Also a lot of DVDs that I won’t watch.

    It’s exciting but exhausting too.

  35. Shayland*

    Can I just take a moment to inform everyone that a squeegee is the best thing in the world to clean pet hair off surfaces? I use it on the rug in my living room and just used it after scrubbing my kitchen title with a sponge and it’s like magic!

    Pushing around all that water did show me that I didn’t do a good enough job cleaning the floor first time around, though. Gross.

    1. JulieBulie*

      Yes! I got a special gadget from a pet supplies catalog many years ago, and when it showed up, I couldn’t believe it was just a squeegee. But it was fantastic! I had been using special vacuum cleaner attachments and all sorts of other things, but the squeegee was easily the best.

  36. Jessesgirl72*

    Two weeks from now, at this time I’ll be in Kiev! We had a last minute paperwork panic this week, but otherwise, everything is fine- 36 week check up yesterday, and everything looks perfect, and doctor thinks the baby will arrive sometime in the 38th week- AKA, shortly after we get there. We need to get sheets for the hospital crib when we arrive (the US won’t let Amazon UK send me European sized cot sheets, because safety!) so I said I needed him to wait a day after we arrive, but now I need him to wait two!

    The paperwork problem was, in the end, simple to fix, but OMG! They were getting all the paperwork for the birth certificate ready. I’ve been married for 15 years, and my luck ran out, and I finally had a problem caused by taking my husband’s last name! We got married in Ohio, and although I filled out the line to register my name change on the forms we and the witnesses signed, that isn’t what you’re given as the marriage certificate- that is just submitted to the country registrar’s office, who takes your license and fills in the bottom parts about it having been completed, by whom, puts on the seal, and that’s your marriage certificate. Nowhere on it does it list my married name. But in the Ukraine, in order to be eligible for surrogacy, you have to be married, and the Registry Office there insists that Jesses Marie Girl and Jesses Girl MarriedLastname are two separate people, since of course my passport is in my married name! And they want proof that I am the same person “from some government agency.” The coordinator said the woman at the Registry Office specifically said she wouldn’t take an affidavit from me about it. Our coordinator also said it has come up once before with surrogacy, and a couple times in their adoption agency and the US Embassy was able to give the women something to satisfy the UKR officials. So we emailed the Embassy, because they don’t pick up their phones there (ever!) and they said they just notarize an affidavit. So we asked our coordinator, and she said yes, that’s what it was, and showed a copy of the affidavit their last person with this problem had used (on the form the Embassy sent us). I’m like, but you said…

    My husband says she meant they wouldn’t take one just from me, but if I lie to the State Department , once they sign and seal it it, that’s the State Department’s problem, and not the problem of the bureaucrat making out the birth certificates! LOL In my sworn affidavit, I specifically have to explain what happened to “Marie” too- our coordinator said she was weirdly fixated on that. Apparently most states put the married name on the marriage certificate, so it only happens rarely. I’m going to kindly suggest that she start checking for that, since they collect our paperwork before we signed the contract- and that was September! We had the idea of the local SSA office since I actually have both my old and new cards, but we leave two weeks from yesterday, and there was no time to get them to verify my identity and get that notarized and sent off for an apostille (International Notary.) If they had discovered this in September, that would have been different! The Embassy is only charging us $50 for the notary service, and the apostille in Wisconsin is $80, so I guess they saved us money! I made an appointment at the Embassy first thing on Monday morning after we arrive.

    The baby’s suitcase is packed and ready to go. I just need to gather up stuff for the adults!

    1. Pajama*

      Wait … so why are you flying to Ukraine to have a baby? Is that where your husband lives)

      1. Riga*

        The baby is being born by a surrogate in Ukraine. Hence the mention of surrogacy in the comment ;)

      2. Jessesgirl72*

        And the reason to do surrogacy in the Ukraine, if you can (married heterosexual couples only with a documented medical reason the woman can’t carry her own child, or 5 failed IVF attempts) is because it’s one of the few places still open to foreign surrogacy and it costs 1/4 of what it does in the US . While still being a first world country, without abusing/coercing the women who are surrogates.

        Based on what the articles I’ve seen talking about Kim Kardashian’s potential surrogate and the price breakdown, that’s mostly because the legal fees are so much less there- our surrogate isn’t getting paid that much less than Kim K’s, even before you take into account the lower cost of living. (only 25% less- when the total cost is 75% less!)

        1. Patroska*

          Most respectfully who ever told you Ukraine is a first world country has no idea what they are saying.

          Source: Ukrainian born person who immigrated a few years ago. I love the country of my birth but it is not a developed country at all even close.

          2. Jessesgirl72*

            I’ve been there. Ukraine has the infrastructure and educated professionals there, at least if you can afford them. The private medical facilities are as clean and modern as anything in the US. We won’t talk about the state run hospitals, but you also won’t talk about the state run hospitals in the US.

            If you think Ukraine is 3rd world, you should try visiting a real 3rd world country some time.

            1. The Unkind Raven*

              Maybe she has. You really don’t know. She’s from there. Her perspective is valid too.

            2. Patroska*

              My apologies. I made a mistake. You have visited and seen places most Ukrainian’s cannot afford. I was only born there and lived there for most of my life.

  37. NEW YEAR, NEW ME*

    Sorry: I wanted to start a new thread, but this also got mistakenly posted as a reply.

    I’m seeking advice on how to make new friends in my 40s. Due to changes in lifestyles and people who’ve turned out to be not so nice, I literally have no close pals anymore. Two of them have been strained because of the actions of a single person, and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

    1. Audiophile*

      I’ve had a lot of luck with Meetup groups. When I first joined the website, I wasn’t so keen on it. But eventually I found the right groups and made friends that way. I found a few interesting events the group was hosting and attended those and made friends gradually through the group.

        1. Audiophile*

          I found it to be. I joined years ago and let me account sit dormant for a while, basically because I didn’t see any groups that looked interesting to me.

          I reactivated my account and found the group that I’m most active in.

    2. JulieBulie*

      I’m almost 50 and have been wondering the same thing. I am introverted and not really a “joiner,” but Audiophile is the second person who’s mentioned Meetup, and I haven’t received any other advice that makes sense for me.

      I used to have very close friends, but they pretty much disappeared onto Facebook. That is, if I don’t see them on FB I don’t see them at all. (No one does. They sorta withdrew.) And I don’t do FB. I hate it.

      I spend most of my social time with relatives or coworkers. It’s okay, but it would be nice to have a little more diversity in my social circle.

      1. Audiophile*

        I’m in my early 30s, but in my mid to late 20s, I decided there were a few friendships that I didn’t care to put work into anymore. So I just let them end, it wasn’t anything nasty but I realized it needed to happen.

        Anyway, shortly aster the end of these friendships, I had a childhood friend pass away and jumped back Meetup one night and fund the group that I’ve been in for four years now. The first event I attended was a movie, had a quiet dinner with two of the group members before the movie and they introduced me others in the group. I’m pretty close to that group member I met that night over dinner, we’ve gone to movies and lunch just the two of us.

        It may take time for you to find the right group for you. It took me some time to find this group, but I’m glad I did.

  38. Nervous Accountant*

    So I posted a few weeks back about taking spin class. I missed 2 weeks of working out bc I had my period and then PTO (gym is near office) but I went back for my 3rd & 4th class this week and I’m feeling so much better!!!! Like my first two classes I was legit crying and feeling disgusted with myself.

    I think the instructor made a huge difference too. The instructor for my first two classes had a bit of a rougher style–maybe this is a bias on my part, but she legit looked like a fitness model, and I didn’t get a very encouraging or welcome vibe from her.

    The instructor for the third class was like a drill Sargent but actually helped me with my form and seating after class. And the one in the last class was an older, overweight guy–maybe this would turn most people off but it kind of comforted me lol. These last two felt more encouraging and comforting. By that class I only slowed down but didn’t stop, so yay progress!!!!

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      I have just started a weekly Aquabiking session, which is basically an exercise bike in a small jacuzzi. I was a bit sceptical at first, but it does seem to work, plus you get a TV and headphones in each cubical, so you can pedal and catch up with the news.

  39. Waterlilies*

    I want to learn the different types of alcohol… is there a list someone can give me? Like, single malts and other varieties etc. I don’t know where to find the things I want to know because when I google it I either get a huge list of every brand, or something basic that’s just like: there’s vodka, tequila and rum.

    1. NoMoreMrFixit*

      I learned by taking a bartending class. Some communities have tasting clubs/groups you could look into. The various ? for Dummies books are amazing for newcomers to a given topic. Plus Youtube has plenty of videos on mixing drinks and types of booze.

    2. CityMouse*

      I have a friend who is actually a certified Sommelier (not the highest levels but has done a few of the levels). He says the best wine is the wine you like to drink, and I think there’s a lot of merit in that and it applies to other kinds of alcohol.

      He definitely couldn’t afford to taste all the wines has has to without being a part of a group.

      1. ArtK*

        We did a wine and cheese course at Napa Rose in Anaheim. All of the waitstaff are trained at the first level and several are much higher. They said the same thing — a good wine is one you like to drink. Wine snobs make it seem like it’s some great mystery that only they have the key to, but that’s just them making themselves feel superior.

    3. Natalie*

      So, categories like “single malt” generally only apply to one type of liquor. (Whisky, in this case.) It’s probably going to be easier to find a medium amount of information for one type of liquor at a time. Is there a particular liquor you enjoy that would be a good one to start with?

    4. Dan*

      What is that you actually want to know? At the highest level, there’s beer, wine, and then the hard stuff. Even the hard stuff has a variety of things, you’ve listed some.

      This *is* probably a subject where you have to choose breadth or depth, I think it would be too difficult to find a single source that is authoritative for everything. As someone else mentioned, “single malt” usually applies to scotch or bourbon — it certainly doesn’t apply to vodka or rum.

      The reason I think you have to go for depth in a particular category or breadth across multiple categories, is that most categories have so much that it takes awhile to master. Take beer. “Beer” has a huge variety of subcategories — it’s far more than Miller, Coors, and Bud. (In fact, those three are very similar.)

      1. Waterlilies*

        Well, Dan, I don’t know. Part of it is just interesting how they’re different and made differently and I like knowing.

        But also I keep not knowing stuff that apparently I should know for my experience in restaurants. Don’t want to make it too job-related for the non-job-related weekend post. Lol.

        1. Dan*

          Well, sommeliers are a thing for a reason… because wine is complicated, and can be very expensive. There are entire courses on it. (Point being, you want “alcohol for dummies” and it can get really complicated.)

          I, uh, wouldn’t object if the work rule got broken ever so slightly and you mentioned what you do and what you want to know. If you’re a server and someone wants to know, “What goes good with this?” The first thing you need to know is if they like beer, wine, or spirits/cocktails. You can find something in any of those groups that pairs well.

          Although, if your restaurant sells $500 bottles of wine, you better send over the sommelier.

          1. Waterlilies*

            Well, it’s really more that I’ve been trying to find a new place, and they ask me questions like, “Name the ingredients in suchandsuch drink” that I’ve literally never heard of or “Name 5 single-malts.” I’ve been in this industry for 5 years, but all the places I’ve worked have had drinks specific to them, rather than being big on brands or anything. So, then the people I interview with are like, “You gotta work on your product knowledge,” and I literally don’t even know which things I don’t know that I’m supposed to know…

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      A big overview is kind of difficult. You really need to taste things to see what you think, and to have a context for any reviews or other opinions you read. I highly recommend tasting events. I’ve been going to WhiskyFest for 5 years now, and Savor Craft Beer Festival for 6, and I’m still finding new things. (Although I did start to feel comfortable enough with scotch whisky that I’m starting to branch out into bourbon now. :D )

      Tasting events let you try different things, and hear what people who have tasted a lot of them think. You don’t have to agree, but it’s good to know why people like or dislike certain flavors. Some bars offer flights of beer or whisky or rum, and those are also good ways to start. I know with scotch in particular, I never could have afforded to buy a bottle of all the ones I tasted at WhiskyFest, and once I got to know what I liked I started to feel more “fluent” in scotch.

      If you are in a part of the country where you may not find any events like these, try asking bartenders for advice. Not at a TGI Fridays or other cookie cutter bar, but the kind of bars where people go to drink rather than to eat. That’s another way to try a shot at a time in order to find out what you like. I take phone pics of bottles when I can, and when I can’t I take a pic of my glass and post it on social media with a comment like “I loved this West Islayer! It’s Laphroiag and spiced honey! :-9”

      Oh, and when you taste, taste with your nose first. Take a big whiff. Then let a drop or a few drops spread out on your tongue for a couple of seconds, then swallow it. Next, breathe in away from the glass, you’ll still smell it from what you swallowed. This works with most beers too.

      Most importantly, drink what you enjoy, and don’t let anyone tell you what you *should* like!

    6. ArtK*

      Think of it like a huge family tree with plain old ethanol at the bottom and stuff branching off as you go higher and more specific. At your first level you’ll have some basic fermented drinks like beer, wine and cider. These have branches for a lot of sub-types. For instance, beers will have varying styles that are determined by a lot of factors: The grain used, the yeast used (top fermenting or bottom fermenting), the amount of bitterness (quantity of hops used) and various other factors.

      Wines will have similar variations depending on the grape, the yeast, how long it is aged, what kind of barrels it is aged in.

      Hard alcohol is usually distilled (heat or freezing) from some basic alcohol. Again, the process and ingredients can vary all over the map. You mentioned single-malt: Many whiskeys (scotch, for instance) are made from what’s essentially beer without the hops. A grain malt provides the sugar for fermentation, the resulting alcohol is then distilled. A single-malt is made from only one type of malt (one type of grain.) The alternative is a blend, which may come from several different malts. With scotch, you also have the factor of peat — some distilleries use water that comes from peat bogs which lends a distinctive flavor. Personally, I think it tastes like licking the bog but other people love it. Then you have the aging. 12, 15, 18, 20, 25 years and in different types of barrels. I’ve got some Glenmorangie that was aged in used sherry barrels.

      Whiskey (the “water of life”) has many variations, with the Scots, the Irish very much in the forefront. American types may be bourbon or rye.

      Other hard alcohols include rum, which is made from sugar, either cane or molasses. Lots of variations there, too. Vodka (potatoes and some grains, depending.) We won’t even try to discuss liqueurs or dessert wines. A comprehensive list of alcohol types is almost impossible since there are regional variations all over the world. Alcohol has been with us for a very, very long time and when you take time and add human ingenuity, you get a lot of variety.

      There are a ton of books on Amazon about the science behind alcohol and discussing various types. The best thing, though, is to try a lot! When you’re in a restaurant, ask the wait-person, bartender or sommelier what they recommend and see if you can get them to talk a bit about it. Go to wine tastings. Try a whiskey flight or a sake flight.

      If you give one or two categories, we can break things down further for you.

  40. Liane*

    What have people been reading the last few weeks?
    Just finished:
    *A Change of Tactics (Lorrah, Lichtenberg, Mendum): First Sime-Gen novel in several years and the start of a new trilogy in the setting. Very, very good. For those familiar with the series, there is very little about the Farris family that many of the previous books focus on.
    *Spire of the Hunting Sound: Free RPG Day module for the Numenera game that I am reviewing. (Interested gamers: Unfortunately it doesn’t look like the publisher is offering it as a free download, but there are online sellers)
    Prophet’s Prey (Sam Brower): Warren Jeffs and the Fundamentalist LDS church. This is HARD, GRIM reading. Warning: Taking very underage brides is arguably the LEAST of his perversions & sins.

    1. Annie Mouse*

      I’ve just reread the Books of Pellinor. Starting with The Gift (also called The Naming I think). I thought it would take ages to read but I flew through them all!
      They’re an epic style but a much easier read than the likes of LOTR.

      2. Maerad Ardina*

        I have read those! Back in middle/high school. No one I know has ever read them. I really enjoyed them. Glad to see someone else who knows them!

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Just finished a Robert J. Sawyer novel called Quantum Night. I love him.
      For some reason, I dragged Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle out of the bookshelf and was re-reading it, but the poverty stuff is hitting too close to home, since I’m still unemployed. Blergh.

    4. Sorgatani*

      I added a new trilogy to Mt TBR this weekend: The Captive Prince Trilogy by C.S. Pacat (Captive Prince, Princes Gambit and Kings Rising).
      I met the author at OzComicCon, so I bought all 3 at once.

  41. Blue Linens*

    I don’t know if this is an appropriate comment, but I’m really just curoius… anyone know how people can wear heels for an entire day everyday? Like… strippers or whoever? Like actually being on your feet not just sitting at a desk.

    1. Kc89*

      Eventually people get used to it, I’ve heard from people who constantly wear heels that eventually flats become uncomfortable

      1. Rookie Manager*

        Yep, your body just gets used to it. My tendons shortened and made wearing flats difficult… which was fine until I broke my legs and could only wear flats, had to retrain my muscles and everything.

      2. Mephyle*

        There must be some sort of age range limit for being able to get used to it. I find that I can’t wear heels at all, and in fact can’t even wear flat shoes unless the insole is the right shape to give me support. If I keep wearing a or long term) until I change to shoes that my feet like.

      3. Mephyle*

        Meant to write: If I keep wearing shoes that injure my feet, they don’t get used to it; they just keep getting worse and worse (whether short or long term) until I switch back to shoes that my feet like.

    2. Book Lover*

      Like regular 2 inch heels or super high ones? Because I’m just short and I wear 2 inch heels every day. Aerosoles, very comfortable, and yes I can run in them if I have to :). Super high ones aren’t really good for your feet, but I’m sure if I am comfortable in my little heels they can be gotten used to.

    3. JulieBulie*

      I used to wear moderate heels all day long, sometimes on my feet. Occasionally we would walk a mile and back to a particular favorite sandwich shop. It really wasn’t a problem, but I was much younger then, weighed less, and my joints weren’t all angry and creaky like they are now.

      And those were moderate heels. Not spikes. And I wasn’t dancing.

      Most foot doctors and orthopedists will tell you that heels aren’t good for you. I don’t think they did me any harm, but they definitely cause foot/ankle/knee/hip/back problems for some people over time.

      If you can wear them and you like them and they look nice, that’s fine. If you don’t, I daresay you can get away with never wearing them.

    4. Candy*

      I wear heels all day without problems but I only wear “chunky” heel shoes that are no more than 3″ (like these: http://bit.ly/2tcXF9a) Fortunately I don’t like the look of stilettos because those tire the heel of my foot after a while but I hear you get used to them.

    5. Hrovitnir*

      Specifically for strippers, they generally have large platforms so they’re relatively stable and not as arched as the heel would suggest. Also decent stripper shoes (Pleasers) are made to work in. I’ve heard lots of women say that “civilian” heels are intolerable once you’re used to them.

      Of course, if you wear heels all the time for a regular 8-5 job to the point your body adjusts, you’re actually shortening your calf muscles, which is generally why flats become uncomfortable. It’s really not great for your body.

      1. Blue Linens*

        Wow. So once you get used to them — that’s all you wear??? That’s kind of crazy.

    6. deesse877*

      Tricks:
      –chunky heel or wedge
      –high vamp, meaning the top of your foot is covered as with a sneaker; booties and oxford styles are good here, and sturdy t-straps, mary jane straps, and ankle straps also work
      –silicone pad under the ball of the foot, esp. if slightly big shoes
      –runners’ glide if you are sockless, to prevent blisters and the suboptimal “ouchy” stride
      –heel height under three inches, maybe less than that if you are shorter
      –leg lifts and every kind of leg stretch that you can discover online; you want to make sure you don’t under-develop some of the muscles, because that can disalign your kneecap; every other day works for me
      –if you can afford it, EXPENSIVE shoes, as in $300+, will always be kinder to you knees and hips, because better materials in the heel transmit less vibration. I only ever owned 3pair, 2 thrift; my favorites literally fell off my feet after 10 years.

      I am…a bit over-serious about this, maybe, but my work will have me on my feet for about 6 hours 2X/week, and these strategies work for me. I could wear flats if I chose, but prefer to be literally on my toes.

    7. LAM*

      I wear heels all day, every day to work and I’m on my feet regularly 6-12 hours a day. I only buy very specific brands, in specific style types (3-4inch pumps, relatively thin heel, closed round toe) that I know work well with my feet – arch is comfortable, toe box not too narrow, etc. I also get them a half size bigger than I would if I were buying flats. I find having a small gap in the back prevents rubbing and blisters.

      I also would take them into the shoe store by me and they would spray them with something to help stretch them just a tad… which I recently found out was just equal parts water and rubbing alcohol.

      For me the key though was finding the right shoe/heel for me. And since I stick very faithfully to a very small few brands, I can typically wear them for a full 12 hour day right out of the box.

    8. AcademiaNut*

      Interestingly, British Columbia has recently passed a law that prohibits employers from requiring women to wear high heels, as a workplace health and safety measure.

      I rarely wear heels, but I found the ones that I bought for ballroom dancing to be much more comfortable that typical ones – extremely sturdy, with flexibility at the right points.

  42. esra (also a Canadian)*

    Anyone have Crohn’s/know someone with Crohn’s who is on Remicade or Inflectra for treatment?

      1. esra (also a Canadian)*

        Okay, that is good to hear. Currently I get by, diet-wise, but now that I have to switch up to Inflectra, I’ve been wondering how much things will change. Like, I can’t do nuts, seeds, leafy greens, a lot of fruits, berries, lentils, etc etc. I wondered how much more freedom people have once they get on the infusions vs the other pill treatments.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          She has decidedly more freedom and is doing a lot better! She had done the specific carbohydrate diet for years and been really disciplined about it and it was the only thing that helped, but even that stopped working as well and she was having a pretty bad time, losing a ton of weight that she couldn’t afford to lose, etc., and the Remicade really helped. She’s doing better on it than she’s done since getting originally diagnosed years ago. There’s still lots of stuff she can’t eat, but so much more than before.

    2. Soupspoon McGee*

      I have Crohn’s and took Remicade for years, with a great deal of benefit. I switched to Humira recently and like that too. Do you have specific questions?

      1. esra (also a Canadian)*

        Can I ask why you switched to Humira? So I’ve been on azathioprine, but need to get onto Remicade/Inflectra. I know it will help stop fistulas, etc, but I’m wondering about the other effects. For example, my diet is pretty limited right now (nevermind no nuts and seeds, I can’t even eat salad) and my energy level is middling at best. I’m wondering how much it changes your quality of life re: diet and if you felt more energetic on it?

    3. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I have Ulcerative Colitis and am on Remicade infusions for treatment. I’d be happy to answer anything I can!

      1. Manderley*

        I have UC (20 years). Do you find that you get more infections (colds, etc) on Remicade? I’m a little worried about what I hear about it suppressing the immune system. I’m not currently on medication and am smoking cigarettes to stay in remission. (This only helps with UC – nicotine makes Crohn’s worse.) It’s working beautifully as far as my UC, but is obviously not sustainable long term so I’m curious about other options. How are your symptoms? Can you do things in places with few/no bathrooms? (Boats, long walks, crowded concerts with few bathrooms, long drives, etc.) Any food restrictions? Thanks for any information you would like to share!

  43. Dahlia*

    Big rant about home renovations coming.

    My husband and I are remodeling our recently-purchased home and I hate this whole process so. much. I used to think the people on HGTV who were mega-downers about buying homes that need renovations were just being weenies, but I totally get it now. It’s not fun. It’s a money pit and a huge source of stress.

    At this point almost everything is done except for the kitchen. The current kitchen is pretty awful (very old, broken/stained cabinets, broken fixtures and appliances, little storage due to wasted space) but I’m at the point where I would just about rather live with it rather than continue dealing with the kitchen renovation, which hasn’t even started yet.

    We started working with a kitchen designer back in March. She was recommended by our contractor and though we didn’t particularly mesh with her personally (we found her to be kind of abrasive and pushy) we hired her because our contractor worked with her often and thought she did great work. We hired her and paid her retainer in April, and indicated that we wanted to get started ASAP. Since then she hasn’t delivered a single thing on time and has been unhelpful and really difficult to reach. She is consistently late or has the wrong time for meetings. She doesn’t pick up her phone and has multiple email addresses that she doesn’t seem to check regularly so she misses important emails. She did end up putting together plans for us, but they’re pretty basic. Most recently she emailed me about pricing for cabinets while I was traveling and when I didn’t respond, she sent two more emails, the last of which was in ALL CAPS with a nasty tone demanding a response. I would never treat a client that way. And, to top it off, it is now July and not a single item has been picked out or ordered. She has basically done nothing since April except draw up preliminary plans.

    Because some unexpected issues with our house ended up taking a big chunk out of our kitchen budget we’ve decided to change tacks and do an IKEA kitchen. Naively I thought we would just take the plans she drew down to IKEA and ask them to order the cabinets in the dimensions specified, but it’s not going to be that easy. Last night we tried plugging in the dimensions from her plans into IKEA’s online kitchen builder tool and it was a disaster. She has things in non-standard dimensions and put in unusual types of cabinetry they don’t have, so the plans are basically useless unless she’s ordering the cabinets custom. So we’re basically starting from scratch now, and all that time and money we spent on her is completely wasted. I’m so frustrated I could scream.

    Oh, and last night my husband spent hours putting everything into the IKEA program, finally got things to fit, and then accidentally hit the back button on the browser and erased everything. And got snippy when I was I wasn’t going to redo it because I was going to bed.

    1. Sibley*

      Oh no! fire the kitchen designer, she sounds awful. And you should stick to standard sizes whenever possible, much cheaper and easier in the long run. I’ve heard stories about people who have to redo the whole kitchen because the fridge died, and it was a non-standard size that they can’t replace. Or similar crap.

      I’m having my bummer too. I’ve got a small roof issue, and called the place that did my new gutters. They were supposed to come this morning, but completely no showed.

      I was also supposed to have someone come to fix my washing machine, and apparently they don’t come if you don’t answer the phone when they call. Ok. But when I called them back, they didn’t answer, and didn’t return my voice mail. Then when I called their main number, the guy was rude. Um, never mind! I’ll find someone else.

      And I’m hot and tired from doing yard work. And my mom was supposed to come, but hasn’t even left her house yet. In short, I’m crabby.

    2. WellRed*

      At the very least, I hope you express your poor experience to the contractor who recommended her.

    3. Katie the Fed*

      Absolutely fire her. She sounds flaky and unprofessional. I would not give my hard-earned money to someone who treated me that way.

      I actually fired a landscaper a few months ago. Well, I opted not to go with him after a few rounds of bid modification because he was really patronizing, rude, mansplainy, and abrasive with me. He interrupted me when I spoke, answered my questions by telling me he knew what he was doing because he had a degree in landscape design, and basically just repeatedly made little comments that insulted my intelligence.

      I finally emailed him and said due to our differences in communication style, I’d be going with another company. He sent me a really aggressive note and CCed his boss, the vice president of the company, saying how he had exemplary communication skills and his clients all loved his communication. And since he had gone to the trouble of modifying the bid, the least I could do was explain to him what was going on. I said I’d talk to his boss, and I did. His boss was very nice and apologetic and I’m sure not too pleased about losing a $20k contract. Ass.

    4. Jessesgirl72*

      We fired fencers last month after 3 weeks of an alleged 2 day job that was only half done (hard to finish a job when we work 4-4 1/2 hour days), and what was done was crap, plus lies and attitude. We came to an agreement that we’d pay him for half of what we still owed him, and he’d never set foot on the property again. And then I updated my online reviews, as promised. With pictures. ;)

      We had to run one more length of fence ourselves and had to do every single last blasted tie of the entire fence , since he hadn’t tied a single length of it, but it was better than to keep dealing with someone who wasn’t doing the work we wanted or in a timely manner.

    5. Uncivil Engineer*

      I bought a house that needed extensive remodeling (in addition to smelling like cat pee and coming with an actual pile of trash in the living room) but it ended up being a great decision because it was the only way I could afford a house in my neighborhood. I got about 90% of my wish list done and then I just ran out of steam. I couldn’t take living in the construction or dealing with contractors or having strangers work in my house anymore. It’s good enough.

      I was able to “design” my kitchen myself. If you have a simple kitchen, you don’t need outside help. I ended up doing custom cabinets because of an oddly located door in my kitchen and they were only slightly more expensive than the home improvement store’s prefab cabinets. My dad installed everything except the cabinets and countertops. Did it take 17 times longer than if I had hired someone? Yes, but my dad accepts payment in sandwiches, sodas, and homemade cookies.

    6. The New Wanderer*

      Definitely fire the rude kitchen designer. We have been doing renovations for forever (16 mos and counting) and have yet to bail on anyone for unforeseen delays, but no one has been rude to us. Rude is a deal breaker for us even if someone was responsive and/or did good work.
      Trust me, use standard dimensions to the extent possible. We did have to redo one kitchen cabinet to account for a larger fridge, but that’s minor and my husband could do it. But if you have weird window sizes or whatever, you will be forced to custom order everything and that can get really expensive.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Small consolation but even when things go well it’s still pretty stressful. I have had some things fixed around here. I pay my friend to help me with projects and we get along well. I don’t mind saying there were days where I was almost in tears because of the number of things going wrong in just the current task.
      Problems ranged from underestimating materials and therefore coming up short to trying to find some obscure part that no one makes anymore. There was just plain weird stuff like while he was working on one thing at the front of the house the roof at the back of the house decided to sink a little bit. Strange. Some moments were down right funny. He removed an old hornet’s nest, which broke in half as he tried to move it. Inside the hornet’s nest was an abandoned mouse nest. Mouse apartment, who’d thunk? He explained that the abandoned hornet’s nest probably made a warm spot to build a mouse nest. Too funny.
      I mean it with all my heart, I will never, ever redo any of this work again. It will stay this way for as long as I live here. It’s been an experience I will remember for the rest of my life.

    8. Observer*

      Fire the designer. For one thing, even if were really good, dealing with a designer you don’t mesh with is always asking for trouble. Secondly, her behavior is really out of line. Lastly, the non-standard but is a real red flag for me. I would always try to avoid non-standard sizes because replacements become very difficult down the line, and tend to be more expensive up front. On the other hand, it usually means you have to order from the designer. Conflict of interest?

      1. Bibliovore*

        Fire the designer. and if possible document the timeline and deliverables and prorate the retainer and get some of that back.

    9. Horrified*

      That’s too bad about the kitchen designer. the only thing I can suggest is ask Ikea for the name of one of their recommended kitchen designers. I used this service. Cost me a few hundred bucks, but these designers know Ikea products inside out, do all the measurements, do the online cabinet design thing and even give you the order list (right down to any bits and bobs of hardware). I also contracted with an Ikea-recommended contractor so my kitchen was demolished/rebuilt in less than 48 hours. Excluding countertops of course!

      I tried doing all the Ikea designing onnline myself. Frustrating disaster. Then I went to a store and worked with one of their onsite kitchen staff. No fun either–took ages, they get distracted by other customers.

      Anyway – the kitchen was such a success, I used the same Ikea-recommended contractors to do my bathrooms and closets a few years later. No complaints at all.

      1. Observer*

        That’s good to know about Ikea. I did use an in-store designer. Maybe we chose a good time to come in, it’s the way they operate, or we just got lucky, but they worked with us and really helped us put together a good kitchen in limited space and not outrageous prices – more than Ikea but nicer, although not top of the line. They were good because they helped us catch some issues we might have overlooked, and gave us ideas even for items we weren’t buying from them.

  44. D.W.*

    I’m getting married in two months, and I’m finally past all of the stressful planning and logisitics, so now I can be excited and look forward to the day!

    What are some of your most memorable moments from your big day?

    1. AlaskaKT*

      I said “Shit!” in the middle of my ceremony. We hadn’t planned on vows (engaged to married in less than 2 months) but my husband wrote some while I was getting dressed. So I had a moment of panicky and it slipped out lol

    2. Amber Rose*

      Complete strangers hiding me in an empty room and guarding the door so the groom wouldn’t see my dress before the ceremony.

      Friends of his sitting me in a chair in the middle of the dance floor and serenading me (poorly) with “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling.”

      Catching him by surprise with a faceful of cake. :D

    3. Kate*

      We didn’t have a cake, we had a dessert table. And near the end of the night, we caught my very prim and proper aunt scraping apple pie into her purse!

    4. Liane*

      We were married in a local park and the pavilion we reserved had a raised wooden walk between it and the parking area. The skirt and short train of my wedding dress was chiffon over satin and I wore a crinoline under it. When we got ready to leave, Husband decided he’d pick me up and carry me to the truck. But all those layers were both bulky and slippery–so he got me into his arms but couldn’t keep a good grip. He had to put me down before I fell onto the walk! I thought it was a sweet gesture, and still regret no one got a picture. Back when cell phones were very, very rare, you know.

    5. Really*

      2 after ceremony parties. First one at the in-laws with the people MIL invited. Second at my parents with my family and the friends we invited. It was a small basically immediate family wedding. And it rained through the first one.

    6. ThatGirl*

      So my husband has a brother who’s 21 years younger, making him 3 when we got married. He cut in on our first dance. Good think he was cute :)

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I have great candid pictures of our guests enjoying themselves and interacting at the reception because we put disposable cameras on every table, and then put a bin near the door for guests to drop the cameras.

      Mostly, remember two things: one, something WILL go wrong, probably many things. Two, whatever they are, you’ll be married by the end of the day no matter what. (Maybe the end of the week if it involves a hospital, but either way, in a year or five or ten, same result, right? You’ll be married and you’ll have a great story to tell your friends/in-laws/kids!)

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I got a case of the giggles during the ceremony and it took all of my concentration not to laugh the whole time. Fortunately we eloped so it was just us, the innkeeper/justice of the peace, and her husband who took pictures. I definitely have some weird expressions in those pictures!

      1. Bibliovore*

        I was so happy and excited and happy and excited that I didn’t eat a bite at my wedding that was at 11:00am and lunch and dancing to follow. A little saddened that everyone was gone by 3:30. Back to the honeymoon suite upstairs at the hotel. Popped into the bathroom to change my clothes while Mr. Bibliovore and his brothers counted “the take” (cash being the traditional wedding gift in my family) Came out of the bathroom and caught them finishing off the top of the wedding cake supposedly to be saved for the anniversary. I shamed them a bit but the truth was that I was starving and planning to eat a healthy slice myself. We ordered in room service as the new husband griped that I should have eaten the fancy wedding food when I had the chance. Thirty years ago this September but who is counting?

        1. D.W.*

          That’s funny and not funny at the same time! Our wedding is at 11:00 am as well…I better make it a point to eat then. And we aren’t saving the top tier. We plan to give leftover slices to guests because we have to travel by plane to get home.

          Above response as for the above post! Sorry.

      2. D.W.*

        That would be the dream! Sadly SO does not rise motorcycles. And you had a blue wedding dress?! Fabulous!

    10. Red*

      I forgot which hand of his I was supposed to put the ring on. Since the day I was born, I’ve been completely incapable of telling right from left, so I practiced before the ceremony. Then I forgot.

      1. Zathras*

        I’m glad this isn’t just me. I have to think about which hand I would pick up a pen with, and then mentally rotate my body. I still sometimes get it wrong.

        1. kewlm0m*

          a way to remember which hand is right and which is left: look the back of your hand, holding your four fingers together and your thumb sticking out perpendicular. Your left hand will be the one that’s in the shape of an”L.”

      2. TL -*

        haha, I always have to think about it too (even the L thing doesn’t really help; both hands look like Ls and I have to figure out which one looks less right.) I know if you give me a second to think about it but if you ask or if I’m not concentrating – nope.

    11. 14 years*

      When our first dance song came on, there were audible “aws” which made us laugh and out 2 year old outdanced everyone until midnight.

      Word of advice: tell your server not to take your plate while you’re gone. Mine took my cocktail, dinner, champagne and cake. I barely ate a thing because we were greeting everyone. Who takes the bride’s cake!!!???

      1. D.W.*

        Omg!!! I will make a note. You would think that you wouldn’t have to spell that out.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Oh, yes, between this and Bibliovore’s comment, ask your maid/matron of honor or even all your wedding party to keep plates and cups flowing your way. That’s what I’ve always done for my friends when I’ve had the honor, and we had friends do the same for us at our wedding. Find you food, guard your food, set things aside, etc.

    12. Cafe au Lait*

      By chance, the wedding party and myself ended up watching guests arrive from a reception hall window. Everyone dressed up in their fanciest clothes, and I found that to be very touching.

      We got married on the banks of a river, and a group canoeing stopped and watched the ceremony.

      My grandfather and his wife stayed until almost the end of the reception. Considering the year before, he left my cousin’s wedding right after cake was served, I felt pretty smug.

  45. paul*

    Every time we do a large family gathering I swear its the last one. We’re all ok one or two of us together but I’ve got parents, inlaws, siblings and cousins here and everyone is snappy and crabby and I’m hiding in the garage with vodka.

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      Isn’t that exactly where you’re supposed to be when family is having a get together? That sounds like what I do. I hope you get through it just tipsy enough not to notice obnoxiousness or be sucked into any drama. Good luck :)

    2. JulieBulie*

      I feel sure that this is precisely why garages and vodka were invented.

      It’s a good idea, if possible, to try to subdivide the crowd into compatible groups in different locations. Kids outside, some people in the living room, some in the kitchen, etc.

      But alone in the garage with vodka works too.

    3. Red*

      This is precisely why there are garages with vodka in them, and why I will always take up residence in such a structure. I wish you the best of luck

  46. AlaskaKT*

    Any ideas how to get over a vicious friend dumping? After spending these last few days constantly feeling like puking I’m ready to be done.

    Long story: Husband and I were friend dumped by a couple that we thought were good friends. Like we lived at their place for awhile before our place was built, my daughter called them aunt and uncle, and my husband was working for them, that type of good friends.

    Everything was so abrupt that I’m just reeling. A week ago we spent the day
    with them and had fun, and 3 days ago they text that they no longer want to be a boss (thus we’ve lost our only reliable income), and to return some gifts they have given us over the last year.

    I’m 90% sure they dumped us because the wife and I had a discussion on sexual orientation and I outed myself as bi and generally nonmonogamous. Best guess is though she was safe her husband is a lot more conservative and she let it slip and he didn’t want us around anymore. So I’m upset at him for being the kind of person who fires someone over their wife’s orientation, but I’m more mad at her for being the one to text and going along with it after she spent 30 minutes going on about how people should just live and let live.

    I’m not interested in reconciling, I just want to be over it now.

    1. Merci Dee*

      Wait, what? They asked you to give back =gifts= that they’d given you over the previous year? Gifts? As in, those things that you give to people you’re close with, because you think they will enjoy them?

      As Alison said in one of her posts, you can just laugh and laugh and laugh. No returned gifts.

      Good Lord, that just burns me up. I’d be tempted to give them a couple of gifts of my own, on your behalf — boots up the backside!

      1. AlaskaKT*

        Yes gifts! My husband and I went back and forth about returning everything just to be done with them or telling them no. He’s dropping some things we had legitimately borrowed (as well as their mail, which comes to OUR p.o. box because they don’t have their own) and to tell them we won’t be giving any gifts back. He’s better at confrontation than I am because I cry when I’m angry.

        And thank you. I wish I could give them a boot myself. I’m just so upset over this whole thing.

        1. Liane*

          Feel so bad for you & your family.
          Don’t forget to Return to Sender any mail for them, and I’d be tempted to tell them, “Sorry, we threw the gifts in the garbage ages ago.”

      2. Liane*

        I just realized, boots aren’t enough–they deserve Elizabeth West’s skates, newly sharpened.

    2. yea*

      Wow there are so many shitty people in this world. I am positive you can sue him over this.

    3. JulieBulie*

      That really sucks. I hope you and your husband can move on and find a more reliable source of income soon. :-( And also some more reliable friends.

    4. Elkay*

      I’m sorry they turned out to be different people to the ones you thought they knew.

    5. Nicole*

      This infuriates me and I don’t know you or those people. I can’t wrap it around my head what your sexual orientation has to do with being friends with someone. They go from liking you to wanting nothing to do with you over something that has absolutely nothing to do with them and affects them 0%? They are shitty people. I’m sorry.

  47. Denise*

    Oh dear lord I am so tired.

    I recently moved into a new flat, which is completely unfurnished (apart from fridge, washing machine and it also has built-in wardrobes so that’s helpful). Previous to this I was living in student accommodation which had all the essentials (i.e. bed + desk + chair), and after doing calculations I figure it was cheaper to buy furniture than rent a furnished flat. Plus I love the location of this place, the trade-off is that I’d have to actually pick out furniture (not my favourite thing to do)!

    The thing I didn’t factor into my calculations is the pure exhaustion that comes with assembling furniture. There was a bed I really liked (and wasn’t too expensive) that reminded me a bit of the bed I had in my parents’ house…but I’d forgotten that my father had put that one together and he’s a lot more of a handyman than I am. It’s taken me something like 5 hours and I’m /almost/ finished. Argh! (Half the time was spent on the slats…when did slats become so complicated?!) I wish I went with something a /lot/ simpler!

    I got pretty much everything at IKEA, it probably would’ve been cheaper to get second hand stuff but then I’d have to arrange pick-ups/delivery from individual houses (not to mention having to go to different places to look at the stuff!), plus they delivered on weekends so that was really helpful (I’d also started a new full-time job recently, but I won’t talk about that here).

    So…yeah. I am exhausted but hopefully tonight I can sleep on a bed and not an airmattress on the floor. Plus, you don’t know how amazing it is to have chairs until you’ve spent a week in a flat without any lol!

    1. JulieBulie*

      I love, love, love putting furniture together… but it’s not any fun when it’s the bed you’re planning to sleep in. That’s much more of a deadline than I would want to deal with!

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      We moved two weeks ago into a place with limited furniture (but at least a bed, a couch, and a dining room table) and oh god I cannot wait for the IKEA truck to show up tomorrow. Bedside tables! Our home office desks! The guest room day bed! Random stuff I can’t remember buying now!

      All I want is to finish unpacking and get the rest of these boxes put away in that spare bedroom, but with nowhere to PUT anything its been frustrating. Luckily other half is well trained at putting together Ikea!

      Rugs and the living room I will tackle another day, and hopefully NOT from Ikea.

    3. Airedale*

      I can so relate! My boyfriend and I just moved into a new place, and we built a bed, bedframe, box spring, dining room table, four chairs, and two small shelves.

      I honestly don’t know if I could have done it without him. Either all of the instructions were not user-friendly or building furniture is not my area of intelligence…probably both. Anyway, congrats on doing it yourself, and enjoy your new place!

  48. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    I have had so much fun this weekend so far! Also because of church and etc help, I was able to get another evening to myself without worrying how my wife is doing, so I finished work, hit the gym, cleaned up, then went to my friend’s bachelor party!

    The actual wedding on Sunday for him is a big pile of ACK though. I’m “best person” so I have to be there from 1:15 pm-midnight or so. Not a problem but with my wife’s broken leg and non-weight bearing, she can’t drive, and there’s no space in the agenda for me to go pick her up! So she has to come early, with me and not all of the places may be fully accessible. We discussed this and she got mad at me for not “going to bat for her” or whatnot, and looking for a better arrangement.

    Sorry, but both the wedding planner and my friend’s MIL to be are scary strong women! And everything is planned in 15 minute increments. We don’t want to have my friend worry about where I am, either, during prep. What was I supposed to do, start a fight in the middle of the rehearsal?

    We don’t have family in town that could drop my wife off, and Uber/taxis/bus are not safe for her at the moment. I just didn’t see another way.

    1. WellRed*

      What on earth did your wife want you to do? Get the happy couple to change venues?

    2. Courageous Cat*

      Can you expand on what makes Uber unsafe for her during this? It seems like being able to use it (which was my first thought upon reading this) would make both of your lives easier during this time, but maybe there’s something I’m missing.

      1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        Well, the issue is that she wanted me to look for a “gap” in the wedding agenda between 1ish and the 6pm ceremony during which I could come get her. But there is just NO time and getting there and back from the venue takes 45 minutes.

        Uber might not be safe because I am not sure a driver would be willing to help her in/out or that her mobility equipment would fit in the car (it can’t in most compacts). Also, she needs to be able to sit in the front seat for room for leg reasons.

        1. Temperance*

          Uber and cabs have accessible vehicles, and she could always just text you when she’s arrived if she’s worried about Uber not helping. I think she’s being fairly unreasonable here.

          1. Bibliovore*

            oh please. She IS being unreasonable. She can sit off to the side and read or listen to a podcast or color…
            Armchair diagnosis- she is probably in pain and being a pain. Dealing as a caretaker- deep breaths. The words, I hear what you are saying, I wish I could but can’t go a long way.
            Her choice is to go with you when you go or stay where you are staying and send her regrets.

          2. KR*

            Yeah, I agree with Temperance here. A wedding is a special event and as the best person, you are supposed to be there for the groom through the whole thing. Could one of the groomsmen who isn’t as important in the ceremony go get her? Could someone else who is attending the ceremony pick her up on their way to the wedding? Her leg is broken and that really sucks for her but you made a commitment too.

        2. TL -*

          Cab companies definitely have vans and handicap accessible vehicles, though – unless you live in a one-cab town, there should be a cab available.
          It might be inconvenient for her, but she should be able to work it out, even if she needs the help of a taxi driver (and they’ve always been happy to get my luggage, so I can’t imagine they’ll fuss over a mobility aid, especially if you call and request it beforehand.)

  49. Nervous Accountant*

    Kid threw up in my car. I cleaned it off w a paper towel then rubbed the spot with Lysol wipes. The smell is gone but there’s a stain there. How can I get rid of it? It’s a brand new car, on lease.

    1. Amber Rose*

      Try a mix of baking soda and peroxide. Make a paste, let it sit on the spot until dry, then vacuum or brush it out.

      The baking soda should absorb the stain.

    2. msroboto*

      You could try Resolve. That works well on carpets in the house. Try on a small area not seen just in case but it ought to be fine.

    3. Merci Dee*

      Kid did the same thing in my car. I wiped up as much as I could, and then used my Bissel upholstery cleaner to do a deeper cleaning. Running the cord from the house to the car on a 100-foot extension cord was fun, but it certainly did the job.

      Also . . . if it’s hot where you are right now, that smell might come back for another visit if the car gets hot during the day. Bleh.

      1. JulieBulie*

        Baking soda is really good for the smell.

        IF the smell turns out to be a problem, and if getting it damp won’t leave a water stain, you can wet it down, put baking soda on it, let it sit for a few days, then vacuum & brush it up.

        Baking soda is amazing stuff. I moved into an apartment once that smelled of cat piss even though the carpet had been cleaned. Baking soda, wait a couple of days, vacuum, no more smell.

    4. Zathras*

      A friend of mine once rented a steam cleaner (from Home Depot I think?) to clean up an oily food spill from a car. It worked pretty well. I don’t think it costs that much and you get it for a whole day, so you could also clean other things (I think she also used it on some old upholstered furniture).

    5. LCL*

      Try Nature’s miracle, it’s available at pet stores. Or one of the copycat products. Just ask them at the pet store, they will know. I realize you are talking about a human being, but I think one of those products will work.

  50. Anon and alone*

    An update (of sorts).
    First, I would like to thank everyone for their support in my Weekend Free For All post of June 3. The update I would like to give (Teacher Creeper suspended or fired) not happening, that I know of. The good news, Honorary Niece (HN) passed all her courses, so no summer school and that means TC was not overseeing any exams. In the conversation with her mom, mom mentioned 10th grade so she’s not going to be homeschooled either. Anyway, the other night as I was falling asleep the thought went through my head, “Too bad HN didn’t record TC’s comments”. As a side note, long before this happened, I was curious about Canada’s and my province’s policy on recording conversations and it turns out Canada and my province are one party consent (I double checked this yesterday). So when I was talking with the mom I mentioned it. HN tried talking to her friends about telling their parents, but no luck *SIGH*. I’m thinking that in the imaginary world, TC is hurting from Elizabeth West’s skates kicking where it counts.

      1. Anon and alone*

        Thank you for another kick Elizabeth West. In this imaginary world, I hand you the Lasso of Hestia and we force him to confess all. *Watches TC babble about all the young students he harassed*
        Sending you vibes of good fortune:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  51. queerAuntie*

    I feel terrible. Apparently my niece, 8, is being bullied by neighborhood kids and people in her daycare program, because a few of them came to a cookout her parents (my inlaws) threw.

    They and families saw my wife and I hanging out there, and generally acting as a couple (helping each other, occasionally holding hands or hugging). We got a few looks at the time but I didn’t think much of it. I guess the kids’ parents must have discussed us, because now the other kids are telling niece her aunts are bad people, going to hell, and such. It’s a purple state, but with a lot of, ahem, “Christians.” Niece’s parents treat us well but are religious and so are reluctant to discuss sexuality and think she’s too young.

    I feel like it’s our fault she’s being teased, and it’s a punch to the gut to have to deal with this before we planned to with our own future kids.

    1. yea*

      I’m so sorry. That sucks. Kids suck, and bad parenting sucks. It’s 100% not your fault, and it really saddens me to see all the suffering as a result of these kids’ behavior.

      I hope there’s some way their behavior can be addressed, like those parents being told to teach their kids to can it.

    2. nep*

      So sorry you all are facing this. I hope some members of the community turn out to be open and eager to combat bigotry and ignorance.

    3. JulieBulie*

      It’s not your fault she’s being teased. It’s those kids’ jackass parents’ fault. I’m sorry Nieces’s parents aren’t more supportive of you.

      Whether or not your niece is too young to hear about sexuality is irrelevant. What her parents should be discussing with her is the fact that her aunt is a good person, some people disapprove of Aunt’s relationship, lots of people disapprove of lots of things, and none of that justifies bullying and teasing a child.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        My friend Jenny growing up had two moms. This was in the 80s where people didn’t talk about things like this openly. It just wasn’t a big deal – my parents didn’t make a big deal of it so I didn’t either.

        This is the parents’ fault. How awful – so sorry for these kids and your niece.

    4. PurpleSnowdrop*

      Too young to discuss sexuality? My son has known since he was 3 or 4 that sometimes men marry men and sometimes women marry women.

      I’m so sorry to hear this :(

      1. chickabiddy*

        Yeah, eight is probably too young to discuss the kinds of sex that people have, but definitely not too young to discuss the kinds of *families and relationships* that people have. If a child is old enough to know that men marry women, she is old enough to know that women marry women, and neither of those conversations has to include diagrams.

        I’m sorry for your niece and for you. People can be awful.

    5. Anonymous post for obvious reasons.*

      1. No. No. No. 1000 x NO! This is NOT YOUR fault. Bad behavior due to bigotry is 100% the responsibility of the adult bigot. Please don’t victim blame yourself.

      2. I don’t see this as a issue about what being gay means. I see this as an issue about what being a Christian means. If these were my children, we would be discussing Jesus’s commandment to love one another and how to deal with people who seem to have lost focus on that. I might also include the bits about not throwing stones and not blaming people for the actions of others.

      3. Bigotry and prejudice do not require people to be mean jerks. I know some people disapprove of interracial marriage. Some have behaved badly to us. Two very delicately expressed their concerns prior to our marriage, said that they could not attend the wedding and that they would pray for us. And then they NEVER EVER brought it up again.
      I am not close with them anymore, but we still move in some of the same family circles without incident. Personally, I am thrilled with bigots whose action plan is to stay home and pray.

  52. Amber Rose*

    I’m stranded in Toronto airport. Our transfer flight was cancelled and we’ve been in the customer “service” line for an hour already.

    Send help. Or pizza. I’m starving.

    I want to go home. :(

    2. FDCA In Canada*

      Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. Pearson is a nightmarish airport–I’ve never once had a good experience there–and we just had truly insane drama with Air Canada ourselves this weekend. I hope by now you’re on your way home!

      1. NoMoreMrFixit*

        it used to be worse. Terminal 3 is actually an improvement over the old terminal 1. I grew up near the airport. Pearson seems to be one of the most disliked airports in the world from the comments I’ve heard over the years.

      2. Amber Rose*

        We’re not. We got in around 3pm. Its now 11:30pm. Five or six flights have been flat out cancelled and we’re waiting to see about ours.

        I did get a pretty damn good burger for dinner at least.

  53. Android Tablet User*

    I have an Nvidia tablet with the appropriate version of Chrome installed. I have noticed a very weird thing recently – when I open the AskAManager web site on my tablet, I cannot click on any of the links (blog post titles, links to comments), even if I wait for the page to finish loading.

    This does not happen on my Android phone (also using Chrome), nor does it happen on my tablet with any other site.

    Any idea what is going on? I am baffled.

    1. Caledonia*

      There’s a tech issue report button just above the commenting box if you’re now on something that’s not the tablet that’s not loading.

      1. Ninja*

        Same for my Kindle; I can’t click on any links. Smartphone and PC are both fine.

    2. A lurker, first time commenting*

      I have the same issue! Started about a fortnight ago. It’s driving me nuts.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Please email so I can troubleshoot it. It was out of control for a couple of weeks but now has been fixed so if it’s still happening for you, I want to hear from you! (Via email or the ad reporting link, not in the comments since I don’t always see those.)

  54. self published*

    Anyone else been ghosted by a friend of multiple years? Did you ever get an explanation? Help me feel better. :(

    1. NicoleK*

      A good friend of almost 10 years ghosted me. This story doesn’t have a happy ending. This happened in 2008. She just stopped returning my calls. I know she was dealing with mental health issues, job security, and a parent’s illness around the time. I never got an explanation or apology. I lent her money too and I won’t ever get that back.

    2. Never Nicky*

      Yes – and no, no explanation.
      She was my oldest and closest friend. We had had a rocky patch but made up. About a year later I split with my ex. She was surprised and worried for him and disagreed with my decision – no sympathy/empathy despite her own relationship issues I had supported her through. However, when I got together with an old friend the three of us went out for a meal together and all seemed frirndly. That was over 5 years ago and that was the last time I ever heard from her.
      It sucks but looking back over the 20 years we were friends I can see the good times and the fun but I can also see that I was the “fat friend” (literally and metaphorically) to make her look better and that the ghosting was the final proof that the friendship was all about her and not about “us”

    3. Episkey*

      Yes, kind of. I have had a friend since my early 20s (I’m 35 now). We originally met because she started dating one of my good friends but when their relationship broke up, we remained friends. We weren’t ever best friends, but we always stayed in contact and would meet up here & there. A little over a year or so ago, I realized that I was always the one putting in the effort to get together and usually initiating contact. I don’t like that kind of dynamic in a friendship, so I decided to stop being the one to always initiate first. I basically never heard from her anymore. A couple months ago I announced my pregnancy on FB (we’re still FB friends) and she actually ended up texting me to congratulate me and say she knew she “fell off the face of the earth” but was basically having some major-ish depression issues. She’s always been a depressive kind of person that I think fights mild depression on a regular basis, but it had apparently gotten worse. I still don’t really hear from her much, but I think it’s much more to do with her then me.

    4. As if*

      Yes. Friends since kindergarten, were in each other’s weddings. She had Kid #1 and became very hard to get ahold of (she only did phone calls, no electronic communication, due to a stalking relative.) I visited her once, we talked a few more times, she had Kid #2 and never, ever called me again. I heard from a mutual friend when she was pregnant with her final kid. I wrote her a congratulatory note, and never got a reply. We never had a falling out, she just disappeared. It hurt. I send her a holiday card each year, and get one back- but while I write a message in mine, hers is simply the photo kind.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      Yep. My HS best friend. We had also gotten past a falling out in college, but in the year that she met her soon to be husband, she didn’t “need” me anymore and stopped wanting to be in touch like before. I got it, but it was pretty abrupt. I was still her maid of honor the next year, probably because I was single and could cater to her more than her then-closer friends. But when it was my turn two years later, she couldn’t make my wedding, wasn’t too fussed about it, didn’t care to hear any of my wedding talk the way I listened to hers, and she just stopped responding at all. She defriended me on FB, and shortly after I disconnected her on LinkedIn. Through mutual friends, I know she’s had two kids (like I have) but no direct contact. At this point (10 yrs later) I could take contact or leave it.

    6. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Sadly yes but understandable. I’m a 55 year old bachelor. All my old friends got married and had kids. Never hear from most of them anymore. We just don’t have all that much in common anymore. And sometimes people change and the result is that you’re no longer all that compatible. Changing careers when everyone else is still in the old line of work just widened that growing gulf.

      Sorry to hear it’s happened to you.

    7. Kat*

      Yes. A guy I was good friends with just all of a sudden stopped talking to me. Didn’t return emails, texts, etc. I wondered if he’d changed his details, so when I came across him on LinkedIn (‘people you may know’) I sent him a short message to say hi. This was a few years after the fact. But he hasn’t replied to that either, so I’m at a loss. I am pretty much over it now (the message was a long shot, but I was interested), but at the time it really hurt. I had to look at it like a break-up, and try to give myself time to feel sad but also work at distracting myself and not letting the situation make *me* feel like I’d done anything wrong, because I hadn’t. That’s my advice, good luck!

    8. Katie the Fed*

      I have a friend who stopped talking to me when I got pregnant. She told me she would, and she did. She really wants a baby. She’s not struggling with fertility; she’s just single and really wants a baby. She was a good friend. Now? Not so much.

    9. Mrs. Fenris*

      Yes, it happened over 10 years ago and I’m still hurt. I had a very close friend, or thought I did, around the time our circle were all having babies. I was almost always the one to initiate contact, and that sort of bugged me, but not enough to make a big deal over. And then, every time I did reach out to her I was getting a perfectly pleasant “oh sorry so busy some other time. ” She called me a couple of times when SHE needed something (I have a job where people constantly hit me up for free professional advice) but otherwise all I got was polite stonewalling. I did ask her if anything was going on, and she denied it, just busy blah blah. One of the last times I saw her was when she and her husband invited us to a big party. I was thrilled she reached out, but once we got there I got the distinct impression she was a bit surprised we came. A few months later, I took a deep breath and decided to reach out one last time. I sent her a FB message and cheerfully said I missed her, and suggested getting together for our upcoming birthdays that were a few days apart. Didn’t hear a word. A couple of weeks later we ran into each other in public and she apologized for not replying, said she was about to go out of town, and could she call me the following month. I never heard another word from her. I still have no idea what happened. It was like she just moved me into the “old friend” category instead of “current friend” all on her own.

    10. Lana*

      I have been ghosted and have done the ghosting. For me, I was dealing with a death of family member and going to grad school full-time and I think that is why my friend ghosted me. I wasn’t the “fun friend” anymore. The relationship was toxic though because she was super competitive and used me for rides and then would make fun of me and ditch me for other “cool” friends. Sometimes it’s just time to move on.

      You could try to reach out and see and see if you can get answers, otherwise give them time and they might reach out to you down the way. (You can then decide what to do from there.)

    11. self published*

      I’m actually really appreciating these (sad) stories. This has not happened to me as an adult, so I am pretty shocked. I’m not the only one getting ditched in this scenario– other friends too– but I would have appreciated some explanation. And I am certain we will run into one another at some point. I’m just very hurt and don’t understand what happened. It was a close friend and I expected better. Thanks for sharing, truly.

    12. Red Reader*

      I used to know a guy who would probably tell people that I ghosted him.

      The fact that I spent three years telling him how his behaviors and choices and the way he treated me was destroying my ability to maintain a friendship with him, and he somehow still has no idea why I cut him out of my life “with no explanation,” seems somewhat telling to me.

      1. Lana*

        This is why I “ghosted” people. One friend would complain about things that happened years ago that I apparently did and it got tiring. It was stupid petty stuff too. Another friend would blame stuff that other people did on me. I’m not your punching bag. It gets old having to defend yourself all of the time. Friends are supposed to lift you up- not bring you down. (If there is a problem, talk through it. If not, then maybe it’s time for a break or to hang out with other people.)

    13. The Ghost of Friends Past*

      Yep. A guy I worked with bonded over our shared awful boss and started hanging out/going drinking at least once a month plus IMing all day at work for probably 2+ years, we were good friends (he said more than once I was his best friend in the city), pretty much the definition of a work spouse. I even invited him and his just out of college/new to the city/new to not living at home sister over to a summer party and gave her a bunch of household stuff for her new place.

      He got a new job, I was really excited for him, we kept hanging out/texting/IM for a few months (he made a point to say more than once he still wanted to hang out). Then I got a new job, and was excited to tell him about it, and he tells me over IM “hey, can’t go drinking this week, I’m going back to (foreign country where he had just been on vacation) because I just got engaged.” Uh. Ok. I’ve known this guy 3 years, know some crazy stuff about him and his family and he’s never mentioned seeing anyone, other than vague one-night-stand references. I IMd him once or twice after that just to say hi, the last time he said, basically, “heading to work, but I hope your new gig is going well, we’ll catch up soon!”

      I had already been at “new gig” for 3 months and that was the last time I contacted him, as I (like some others) realized at this point I was doing all the contacting. I know he’s not at the job he left our mutual job for, but I’m pretty sure he’s back in the city and married now.

      This all happened about a year ago and it still pisses me off. F that dude, I was a great friend and he turned out to be a dick. The thing that drives me nuts now is I can’t figure out how not to see how name pop up on gchat.

  55. Come On Eileen*

    I’ve posted here a few times about being an alcoholic in recovery. I just want to share that at 3.5 years sober, and 1.5 years working the steps, I have finished step 9 — making amends to people in my life that I’ve harmed. I can say without a doubt that this step has changed my life. Sitting down, face to face, with friends (current and former), family, coworkers, neighbors, and humbly apologizing for my shitty behavior has been such an incredible experience. I expected to hit a lot of brick walls, and over and over again I’ve been floored by the amount of grace and openness shown to me. And now, for the first time in my life, my side of the street is clean. It’s so liberating. I feel like everyone should have a chance to do this kind of emotional work.

    1. nep*

      Wow. Just so inspiring. Thanks for sharing this. Can’t praise you enough for what you’ve been able to do. All the best.

    5. Mazzy*

      I agree with your last sentence. Step 9 can be tricky though. Not everyone went out and did bad things when they were drinking. As you know, a lot of such isolated for various reasons. We didn’t want others to see us, or know we were drinking, or didn’t want to do things sober so opted out, or were hungover so missed events, and we lost our social skills so didn’t maintain friendships, so the person we hurt most was ourselves.
      I’m stalled before step 8 because most of the harm I did to others was in my head. I only have one friend I can truly apologize to because I truly harmed them. If I told you the apology, it would seem trite, as if I was trying to just cross of the steps on my to-do list, when in reality I’ve had trouble coming up with other wrongs that I actually did – as opposed to just always thinking the worst in my head.

      I actually broke it off with a sponsor in part because of a disagreement on this and the notion that every single thing needs to be “solution based.” My sponsor seemed to want me to be endlessly looking for how I hurt or slighted others, and only wanted to hear about items if I had a solution.

      I’ve actually worked through a load of issues just by venting about them in meetings. There is something about speaking on an issue to a room that doesn’t look at you like you’re crazy. I get the validation I need that something is a problem, and then I move on. And I do move on. I actually didn’t move on when I had a sponsor pushing me to move on, because then I wasn’t really dealing with the issues, instead I was just trying to put an artificially positive spin on something I didn’t feel great about to get kudos from my sponsor and the group.

      Part of me being “brutally honest” as the program suggests was being assertive for myself when particular parts of the program just weren’t helping me. I am proud I stayed in the program despite those parts I don’t like because old me would have ghosted the program or a particular group, and the fellowship definitely helped me not do that.

      Long story short, I don’t think step 9 is going to be great and liberating for everyone. For me, the personal inventory step was much more valuable, as most of my negativity occurred only in my head.

      I found a lot of the people in the program motivated me to be sober just by being themselves – they looked and seemed so healthy. I didn’t need more than to be around role models who would also help me learn how to socialize soberly.

      Congrats on the anniversary BTW!

      I’ve been looking for places to talk and vent about meetings without bashing the program, if you want to talk about any odd experiences you’ve had or if you know any websites I could look at. Again, sometimes it helps to know you’re not the only one thinking what you’re thinking.

      1. Quilting and quilting*

        I have a spouse who is an alcoholic, and thus far they do not see the benefit of certain aspects of the twelve step programs, ie. step 9. They are currently sober, and like you maybe, they think since they have never been abusive in any way shape or form, or done illegal things, etc., that they have only hurt themselves. Their thinking aligns with what you said here:

        “We didn’t want others to see us, or know we were drinking, or didn’t want to do things sober so opted out, or were hungover so missed events, and we lost our social skills so didn’t maintain friendships, so the person we hurt most was ourselves.”

        What they don’t see, and we’ve discussed ad nauseum, is that they don’t live in a bubble. Everything they do affects the rest of us–friends and family alike, so we are all hurt by that isolating behavior. My spouse is an awesome person, and people like them, and they are fun company. They are generous and compassionate, and a great parent, and a good friend and family member. But throughout our 25 year marriage, we (or just they) have missed family weddings, family reunions, funerals, school functions, work outings, friend parties, etc. etc. etc. because of the reasons you mentioned (we have also attended hundreds of events, so it’s not like we have been completely isolated, and my spouse likes to remind me of this). They have been sorely missed on these occasions, although they deny that with self-deprecating remarks.

        I love my spouse, and I don’t do things like try to make them feel guilty about their addiction, and I am not trying to do that to you. I also have never said to them (maybe I should?) that they owe me an apology for robbing us of a normal social life, but it would be validating for me (to say the least) if I knew that they finally take responsibility for the harm that that isolation has done to our relationship, our relationships with others, and our family as a whole.

        I’d also like to say Congrats! to all on their sobriety. I really mean that-you make me feel hopeful:)

        1. Mazzy*

          That is interesting, I think the part that makes it more difficult is that when you isolate, you don’t really know what you missed. It’s alot of foregone opportunity rather than skipping specific events. Well, there was once I was a mess and forgot to bring a wedding present to a wedding. I always thought about sending them a gift but I felt that it made it more about me than them, sending them an apology and gift late seemed to be drawing attention to myself and creating drama and putting a stain on their wedding. Then they got divorced so now I feel it’s too late to fix, and I don’t talk to them anymore really anyway. Do I want to call the up to apologize now? It’s too late to give them any money.

          1. Toph*

            Just for future reference, it’s very common to not bring wedding gifts physically to the wedding. They’re very often sent afterward, especially if you order something through a registry. I know you were trying to give an example in the general, but with wedding gifts in particular, there’s no need to be embarrassed about not bringing it on the day. You could’ve sent it directly to them even a couple of months after the fact and it wouldn’t have been out of the ordinary and wouldn’t necessarily have been considered “late”. If this couple is already divorced you’re better off just letting it go. I mean, if you have other things to apologize for, I’m not telling you not to, but if in this case it’s just the gift thing, this is not necessarily a big deal.

          2. Quilting and quilting*

            I see what you mean, I think you’re right about that one! I have actually, for different (not better) reasons, done the same with gifts on two occasions-one graduation and one wedding. I just avoided the awkwardness by not bringing it up and tried to make up for it at the next occasion, years later. And I still don’t feel good about any of that.

            But back to you–if I had invited you to my wedding, I would have invited you because I liked you and wanted you to share in our celebration. I might have thought it was a little odd that I didn’t see a gift from you, but I definitely would have invited you to my next function. Because I liked you and wanted you to celebrate with us:)

            One of the things that I try to get my spouse to understand, even if like you said, “..you don’t really know what you missed,” is that the people you weren’t with do know what they missed. They missed you, and were probably disappointed that their loved one wasn’t there with them. Again, it’s not my goal to incite guilt, this has just come up in my house a lot.

            You actually sound like you have done a bit of thinking on all of it and I believe that is so important. I try to do the same, and try to keep growing and getting better at my life–with varying degrees of success, of course:) I warmly wish you the best.

            1. Mazzy*

              Hi, yeah, this is a hard one because of the whole catch 22 of causing more harm by bringing up the past to certain people. I still am going to feel really bad about the wedding gift – I made good money and could have just written a check and put it in a card but that felt too difficult. But I wasn’t too busy to work alot and go out every night the week before.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Sometimes the best we can do is promise ourselves we will never make the same misstep again. This one takes time because we have to see ourselves actually working at this promise. I have found some relief from past missteps in doing this, though. I know that does not mesh with the program but am just throwing it out there.

  56. yea*

    I ‘broke up’ with a friend who couldn’t understand that she did something really mean. After reframing and reframing it again in my mind for weeks to get her perspective, and reaching out to her once more with a really disappointing response, I gave up. It’s not easy, but it feels right so far.

    1. Sam Foster*

      It’s hard to remember that one still has to place themselves first in a relationship at least in regards to avoiding unhealthy behaviors. Making a decision like this is tough but in my experience it leads to some pretty important growth.

  57. Lizabeth*

    Ringing in the ears, how common is this? Mine started back in Feb. after a really nasty head cold that needed a doctor visit to get drugs to kick it. My last checkin with him told him it was still happening, he said try xyz and if that doesn’t make any difference time for a ENT visit. I would like it to go away completely but I don’t think that will happen, it’s just really annoying having “white noise” going all the time. Making an ENT appointment next week to see if there is a solution but wondered if the AAM collective has any experience with it.

    1. Myrin*

      I’d guess it’s tinnitus, although ehe fact that it started after a head cold is giving me pause and makes me think there might be an organic thing, like an infection that hasn’t gone away completely. Definitely see what your ENT has to say.

      I’ve had tinnitus four three years now and while there were some days where it was so strong that I thought I’d go crazy (usually in the wake of an illness), it’s very manageable most of the time. I mean, it’s there, and if I think about it I become really annoyed because seriously, does this really need to exist? But in my case, it’s not so strong that I even hear it during the day unless I’m in a very quiet environment. I hear it mostly right before falling asleep but a pleasant side effect to sticking to an early waking-up is that by the time I go to bed, I’m tired enough that I’ll be asleep very soon.

      As for how common it is – I don’t know, not extremely but also not uncommon? I know that when I talked about it on here before there was a sizable number of other commenters who have it, too, and I know a few people IRL who experience it as well.

      1. Gala apple*

        Have you ever tried a tea of Ground Ivy? I know some people it’s worked well for with the tinnitus.

    2. Anon for this comment*

      I have gone anon on this as I work in the tinnitus field and am published on the topic.

      Tinnitus is hugely common. One in three will experience it at some point, one in ten have it on a longer basis (although this definition means longer than 5 minutes at a time).

      Most people learn to habituate – their brain filters out the signal in the same way you don’t really notice the noise of air conditioning or background traffic.
      There are things you can do to help this process: correcting any hearing loss, using background sound at a low level, relaxation techniques.

      The British Tinnitus Association has a website with a lot of information to a very high standard (look for the Living with Tinnitus tab). They are also behind Take on Tinnitus which is a free e-learning programme which will give you some management strategies whilst waiting for your ENT referral.
      I’ll put links to these in a separate comment to avoid a moderation delay as this is a weekend post.

    4. Sam Foster*

      Get to an audiologist or equivalent for a base line hearing test. They can only compare exams over time to see what, if any, degradation one is experiencing. I’m doing to the same thing now. It was tough at the first visit because there was no historical data to compare to. Good luck!

    5. Jessesgirl72*

      I have had tinnitus for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it bugs me, but most of the time I tune it out (bothers me right now that you mentioned it. LOL)

      1. blackcat*

        Yes, I believe my tinnitus started when I got my first concussion (age 8). Not totally sure though.

        It only bothers me when I think of it or when I have a cold (it gets worse). I need to sleep with a white noise machine or fan, but otherwise, I just live with it. Learning meditation techniques helped me learn to ignore/not notice it (it is constant for me).

    6. Lizabeth*

      Thanks everyone! Have an appt with ENT doc on July 14 so will report back on the 15th.

  58. Jessen*

    Good heavens! I was going to complain about how expensive bras are (I finally found one – one! – brand that fits, and it’s $72 a bra). But I ended up going onto ebay, and there were a bunch in my size, which was pretty surprising since it’s not a common size. Most “new without tags”, which will need a good bath, but ok.

    1. D.W.*

      I was trying ranting to my family about how much I hate buying bras. So expensive. It doesn’t pay to get the cheap ones sometimes. Quality > quantity.

      2. Fiennes*

        Yes. Bras are like shoes or mattresses–paying less money is going to cost you pain.

    2. Anonyby*

      Bra shopping is the worst. I need to go. My best ones (that I save for work) are starting to wear out. :( I just keep putting it off though.

    3. Book Lover*

      New without tags usually means they were samples in store, I think? I have been very happy with my eBay wacoal purchases :)

    4. chickabiddy*

      If you are not picky about colors (I usually wear dark tops so I don’t care), Amazon has a lot of European brands with cup sizes much larger than are available in American stores. Also smaller bands, but that’s not something I need so haven’t paid as much attention to. European cup sizing uses different letters so you will want to use a conversion chart. If you have Prime, both shipping and returns are free so you can buy a bunch to try on.

      1. chickabiddy*

        Can’t edit. Brain not working. The “not picky about colors” was meant to be followed by that last year’s colors and patterns are usually 60%-75% off. I regularly get $75 bras for $20. Look for brands like Panache, Cleo, Freya, Fantasie.

        1. Light and filling*

          +1000
          After being professionally fit (a must, or at least go on subreddit A BraThat Fits to learn the correct way and measure yourself), I know my American size and European size and I do an Amazon search for my size on a regular basis. I don’t pay more than $20 for bras that retail for 50-125 and I rarely have to return anymore because I am more familiar with the types and brands that fit me.
          I used to have a beige a black and a white that were ill-fitting and years old (not kidding), and now I have a drawer full of good bras that fit–the cheapest was $6. And yes, some of them are wildly colorful because the neutrals cost more, but I have found some cheap neutral colors too.

  59. Miss Anne Thrope*

    Anyone else keep up to date on disappearances? It was recently announced that a suspect (Brendt Christensen) was arrested for the kiddnapping of Yingying Zhang, an international student at UIUC. Glad to have progress in the case! Especially since high profile crimes with video and audio (murders of Abby and Libby aka Delphi murders, Missy Beavers) have stalled

    1. miki*

      Unfortunately, Chancellor sent an email (to all students, staff and faculty) that the FBI is considering her deceased. :( / I am still hoping against all hope they’ll be wrong/ Email sent last night, I saw it this morning). Very sad result, and the fact that pi..e of s$%t is a UIUC grad student is mind boggling. I feel very angry about all this right now.

  60. Not my name*

    There have to be people here who are Latinx. I have a niece who was adopted as an infant. Her parents were Latinx but no idea where there roots are from. We have no contact with them. We are so white we glow in the dark. She has been brought up as one of us. Now she is having a Quinceanera. The whole shebang but planned with internet input because we know no one who ever had one. Are we being racist? I feel like we’re being racist, trying to appropriate culture. Does anyone have input for me?

    1. fposte*

      Are you in touch with other transracial adoptee families or online groups? This kind of thing–culture of the child that isn’t of the parents–is a pretty common challenge in that situation, and you should be able to find a fair amount of insight into the situation that would save you from reinventing the wheel.

      I’m wondering how you got so far as to have a quinceanera planned and ready to go without working through this for yourself. Are you not on board, is this last minute uncertainty, what? Where did the impulse to do a quinceanera come from in the first place?

      1. Jeanne*

        We aren’t in touch with any groups. She’s not my daughter so I have no input. I assume I will be invited but I am not on board so to speak. It is a few months til it happens. I don’t know where her mother got the impulse. She’s been saying it for years that my niece can choose between a quince and a sweet 16 party. I can’t seem to find an online group for quinces.

        1. New Bee*

          Is your concern that your niece’s parents haven’t made attempts up to this point to help her connect to her culture? Your line about “internet input” is making me wonder whether the family has any contact with other Latinx people (friends, neighbors, etc.), and if the answer is no, I can see why you might feel funky.

          Can you encourage (and perhaps facilitate) her participating in Latinx spaces beyond her quinces? Maybe a youth group, something at a church (if that’s your thing), a mentorship program?

        2. fposte*

          Sorry, I completely spaced where you said “niece.” But you could still have a look at online groups about transracial adoption for some additional insight on the question.

          I don’t see it as appropriative or racist for a Latina girl to have a quinceanera regardless of the color of her parents. That doesn’t automatically make it a brilliant idea, either; it depends on how the girl in question feels and how the transracial aspects of her life are treated in her family.

    2. HannahS*

      Well, I don’t think it’s appropriation if someone is trying to reconnect with their roots, and I don’t think it’s wrong for parents to help and support that. In fact, it’s really important. A lot of white families celebrate Chinese New Year with/for their Chinese children, for example. It’s rough on a transracial adoptee to grow up as “the only one” around–I think a lot of adoptive parents try to find/form groups of adopted kids from the same area, to celebrate together/with the larger community. But, I mean, sometimes you can’t because there literally isn’t anyone around from that place. If your niece chose a quinceanara, it’s her choice to reconnect with something that she’s entitled to, right? As long as your sister isn’t throwing her some gross stereotype-themed party then I don’t see what’s wrong.

      1. Artemesia*

        Pretty much all of human progress has occurred because of cultural appropriation. Sharing cultures is how new things happen.

        1. HannahS*

          Well, I think there’s a key distinction between appropriation and sharing! Sharing leads to new inventions that benefit both parties in some way, but the whole idea of appropriation is that one culture takes something integral from another, renames it, erases its creators, and then profits somehow. When I buy food from my local Korean grocery stores to make and eat their food, it’s not appropriation. It’s not even appropriation to sub-in kosher ingredients. It’s only if I pretend to have invented bi-bim-bap the line crosses from sharing into appropriation.

  61. Happy National Holidays for July!*

    Happy Canada Day, and happy 150, too!
    ( https://m.facebook.com/groups/437481543101111?view=permalink&id=725204400995489&refid=18&ref=group_header&_ft_=qid.6437891768162350621%3Amf_story_key.725204400995489%3Atop_level_post_id.725204400995489%3Atl_objid.725204400995489&__tn__=%2As ) for a fun video on Canada made by Commander Hadfield and his brother)

    Happy 4th of July for the US crew.

    Happy Quatorze Juillet/14th of July/Bastille Day for the French among us.

    Belle di Vedremo

  62. Hey, Marcela*

    Hope things continue to improve for you, and that your temp job becomes longer term as you look at next steps for your new life.

    You continue to take brave and open steps, it’s wonderful to see.

    Belle di Vedremo

    1. Marcela*

      Hey, Belle

      Nothing has changed yet, but at least I am making a very good impression. There is hope, but I need to wait and that’s the difficult part, for as long as I don’t have any stability, I can’t bring my cat.

      Thank you for thinking of me!

  63. Can I have my brain back, please!*

    I failed the memory screen at my neurologist appointment last week. Is there anyone else out there who has been diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment in their thirty’s?

    I have to wait into next week to hear back from my doctor. They screened me for depression and anxiety and I don’t have either. I’m hoping that I failed do to being in a lot of pain that day. I really don’t want to add anything else to my grab bag of neurological issues.

    1. JulieBulie*

      Hopefully you were just having a bad day. I get mildly cognitively impaired when I’m really short on sleep and/or preoccupied. I imagine being in pain would be very distracting, too. If that’s what did it, then hopefully you’ll do better at a follow-up appointment.

    2. Not my name*

      Not that exactly. I had an encephalitis at 39 that killed a lot of my memory and wiped out all my science knowledge. I was a chemist. I can’t concentrate to read a book for fun. It sucks. There might be therapies to help you. Ask your docs.

  64. WriterLady*

    Family drama time: My grandmother has been fixated on my weight/marital status for as long as I can remember. She’d do things like not letting me eat at her house, putting me on diet shakes, pinching my stomach whenever she saw me, congratulating me when my family revealed this had given me an eating disorder, telling me I’m going to die alone if I don’t lose weight because men don’t want women who look like me, telling me if I just looked like x person maybe someone would love me, etc. She’s also tried to set me up with her 40+ y.o. friends because “do you think you can do any better?” It all came to a bit of a head recently (I’m on medication which has made me put on more weight, which she hates). I took her out shopping, as she doesn’t drive, and in between critiquing my body she informed me that she expected me to lose 10kg for her upcoming anniversary party so she’d be happy when she saw the photos. I got home, tried to hold it in, sobbed repeatedly instead.

    Anniversary party is this weekend. I am planning on avoiding said party because, well, why do I need to be there? My father is distraught at my “hatred” for my grandmother (and is convinced I’m making it up), and my grandmother keeps saying she’s sure I’ll do what I’m supposed to do. I’m one of those people pleasers. Any advice? I don’t want to put up with her nonsense, and while I’m able to make my own choices, I’m also slightly concerned about the fall out (because I still live nearby, which I’m trying to rectify).

    1. JulieBulie*

      I am so sorry you have been dealing with this for so long. I would skip the party if you don’t want to go (so as not to “ruin” the photos), avoid Grandma, not do her the favor of taking her shopping any more, and tell your father you’re disappointed that he doesn’t believe you. (Either that, or he doesn’t think that what she’s doing is so bad. IT IS AWFUL.)

      I doubt that your grandmother is going to change. I mean, some people can change their behavior, but I think her issue is much bigger than the behavior itself. She has profound boundary issues if she can’t understand why it’s wrong to expect you to lose weight so she’ll enjoy seeing you in photos.

      And I wish your father could feel as “distraught” over your grandmother’s apparent hatred for you. I am sure that your behavior is less “hateful” than hers.

      Don’t go to the party. Do something nice for yourself. Don’t worry about the fallout until it actually falls out, and then tell your father (and grandmother, if you must) how nice it was to go to the movies or whatever and be around people for a couple of hours who see you for something other than your weight.

      1. WriterLady*

        That’s my theory – she knows it’s horrible, but she also thinks it’s for my own good (ha), so she doesn’t do it around anyone who can call her out for it. Case in point, she’ll say things in Spanish to me when my mother is around because she knows my mother doesn’t understand English; if I tell my mother and my mum loses it, Gma will pretend she is suddenly unable to understand English and turns the tears on.
        We had a family discussion about this a little while ago, and we also determined that part of her nonsense (which she categorically denies, then mutters about “however if I *did* do it it would be for x reasons”) is because I’m close to my grandfather. This man has been nothing but amazing to me my entire life, but she’s vicious when she wants to be, and I think she’s punishing me for it. I’ve also been “punished” (i.e., snarked at) for getting a degree. “No man wants a woman who’s smarter than him,” she told me, then refused to speak to me for two months because by being the first person in my family to get a degree, I had willingly put a divide between her and I, and this was a gulf that shouldn’t be crossed. (She said this while we were getting photos taken at the actual graduation. My cousins, meanwhile, graduating from their degrees, have had no such things said to them.) Argh.

    2. Jessesgirl72*

      Don’t go. What your grandmother is doing is abusive, and that your father doesn’t believe you (or pretends not to) is also not good. Set boundaries and enforce them. The people who don’t like that don’t deserve to be a part of your life. Start screen your calls and warn people that if they bring it up, you’re going to leave/hang up and then follow through- no drama, just leave. This is pretty much always the answer to these family problems- either they will learn better behavior, or you will spend less time around them. It’s so, so difficult to do, but the solution itself is just that simple.

      It also is best pulled off with the support of a therapist.

      1. WriterLady*

        I always hesitated to call it abusive (out of a “surely it’d be really, really horrifyingly bad if it WAS abuse” mentality), but literally everyone I’ve spoken to about it, aside from my father, has been aghast and called it abuse. Don’t know if my reaction is because I’ve been exposed to it so long, but I honestly thought that’s how grandparents were. We are in a culture that really prioritises males, too, so I dismissed her preference for my brother as simply that.
        Turns out, no, she’s just… cruel.

        2. Jessesgirl72*

          The problem with abuse is the victim is so used to it that they don’t recognize it for what it is. That is also why so many victims of childhood abuse end up in abusive adult relationships- that is their “normal”

          There was a question below about whether you should use the word “Abuse” because it’s a harsh and shocking word and the person hearing it always reacts negatively to it. But my take is to get something to stop, you need to recognize it for what it is. So if I were your friend IRL, I wouldn’t pummel you with the word abuse or try to get you to use it, but I’d have called it abuse at least once, and hope that once your knee jerk denial was over, you might consider it in those terms, and take the appropriate steps as a result.

          I had a grandfather who was abusive in every way possible- although not to me- and even HE didn’t do that kind of public shaming, or even the pinching.

          1. Lindsay J*

            Yes, one of the best things my best friend did for me when I was in an abusive relationship was to call out specific incidences and tell me, black and white, “That’s not normal in a relationship.” “It sounds to me like he’s being really cruel to you.” “That sounds abusive to me.”

            It wasn’t all the time. We had many discussions about other things during that time and often didn’t talk about him at all. But if I told her about something that happened, or posted it on Facebook, she would call a spade a spade. She wouldn’t necessarily urge me to do anything about it, which I think I would have resisted at the time. But it was incredibly helpful for me to have that consistent voice telling me basically, “I see how he’s treating you and it’s not okay,” because so often I would doubt myself and think, “Gee, well it wasn’t really that bad,” or “Maybe he has a point,” or “Well, he’s good to me like 90% of the time so maybe I’m blowing this bad 10% out of proportion.”

        3. blackcat*

          Both of my father’s parents have a preference for their male offspring.

          My grandmother is still loving and supportive of me. She was disappointed I moved in with my now husband before marrying him, but otherwise, she has kept her commentary about my life choices to herself. She is far more interested in my brother’s life, but is still interested in how I am doing. She is proud of my advanced degree.

          My grandfather is an asshole, and generally does not give an f– about me. He may not even know about the PhD.

          Gender-biases may be unrelated to someone’s asshole-ness.

        4. Lindsay J*

          I find that that attitude (the “surely it’d be really, really horrifyingly bad if it WAS abuse” mentality) is incredibly common.

          It took me a long time to accept that my ex was abusive (and sometimes I still struggle with the idea) because he wasn’t like that all the time, and it was never physical. And I mean surely if it was really abuse I’d be left bleeding and bruised. Even when everyone online, and my closest friends told me it was abuse – and I had no real reason to doubt their assessment – it took me a long time to really believe them, and then even longer for me to believe that I could have a life where this didn’t happen to me anymore and make the steps to leave.

          Same with depression. It took me a long time to accept that I wasn’t just lazy and morose and that it was a valid medical issue that I needed medication to treat.

          I think a lot of times we internalize the idea that these terrible things are things that happen to other people, not us. So even when it’s happening to us it’s hard to believe it.

          And second, human beings are really really good at adapting to different circumstances. And we don’t experience life the way other people do, just the way we do our self, so we don’t have a real basis for comparison. So we tend to assume that what we are experiencing is in the “normal” range, unless we have direct evidence that it’s not.

    3. AlaskaKT*

      I know extracting yourself from these kinds of abusive situations can be hard, especially if it’s been happening your whole life, and I am sorry you have to deal with this. I am full of snark and anger today so I apologize if any of this comes off as “Whoa, harsh”.

      SKIP THE PARTY! Do something nice for you instead. If dad complains, tell him grandma said you’d ruin her pictures so you elected not to go.

      If possible, stop all contact with your grandma. I doubt she’s going to change at this point.

      If that’s not possible, don’t allow yourself to be around her alone. Your dad doesn’t believe you, so she must not be doing it in front of him. Which means she knows on some level that she is hurting you/being abusive. Don’t give her the opportunity to talk to you about your weight alone.

      Speaking of dad, have a serious sit down with him. Something along the lines of “Dad, it really hurts my feelings that you don’t believe me when I tell you how grandma treats me. You know I’m dealing with *eating disorder* and those don’t just arise out of no where. (And maybe if you are comfortable saying it) I really need to feel like you are a safe person to be around for my recovery/well being. Please do not ask me to talk to grandma/be alone with her/do things for her. I also need you to be in my corner if she makes any remarks about my weight. I love you, but I can’t continue this level on contact with you if you keep pushing me to spend time with/love grandma.”

      If none of that is feasible, I’d go with the tried and true “Wow.” “Please don’t touch me.” “I’m not going to discuss this with you.” And leaving the room/house if she continues to bring it up.

      Best wishes to you, I hope this helps.

      1. WriterLady*

        Thanks so much – I need the sort of tough love, haha! I should clarify, the eating disorder was back in high school, and I’m happily a bit chunkier these days (I mean, could I lose weight? Probably. Am I going to freak out over it these days? No, because I like eating, and I’m not huge about exercise, and I accept that). But I think (with everything here), I’m just not going to go. I’m going to spend a weekend with friends!

        1. AlaskaKT*

          Congrats on your recovery!

          And I’m very glad to hear you’ll be skipping the party and hanging out with Team You people instead :)

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Good choice. I am sorry but this woman does not deserve the title of “grandma”. I hope you have a plan to move away from this permanently.
          Meanwhile, adding to what AlaskaKT said, you could ask her why she is so preoccupied with YOUR body. Or you could inform her that it no longer matters if women “catch a man”, she needs to stop dwelling on that.
          The fact that your dad did not back you up is a massive parenting fail on his part. Well at least you know up front that he cannot be counted on. Sometimes that is the best we can get out of a situation. Maybe when you finally move away you can explain to him why. Maybe he will understand or maybe he won’t.

          1. WriterLady*

            I’m trying, but I’m unfortunately in a field where jobs are not plentiful at the moment (we’re experiencing a massive downturn). Couple that with additional studies, and I’ve had zero time to apply for anything in the last few weeks, but I’m working on it right now.
            I ended up going to my uncle about this, and he’s told my grandmother she isn’t to contact me until I say otherwise, which she’s sneaking around by calling the home phone when my parents usually call, then snarking at me there. (“why don’t you come to see me” etc etc) As such I no longer answer the landline, and I have blocked her from my mobile. Then again, the last time I didn’t answer her calls, she started calling me from my cousin’s mobile so I would pick up. What is with people? How is it so hard for people to be kind?

            1. Observer*

              The fact that your *uncle* went to bat for you (and grandma is going around that) tells you TONS. One thing is clear – her issues are not about a culture that prioritizes males. (I’m not saying that your culture doesn’t, but that it’s not the cause of the problem.)

              If your cousin allows her to use phone to call you, let your cousin that you went no contact for a reason and will block her number if this happens again. Oh, and always feel free to hang up if she starts on you.

              1. WriterLady*

                Ooh yeah. It’s taken me a while to realise it, but it’s definitely something to do with me. Of course, I’ve gone “but what did I ever do to her” and my uncle very plainly told me, “She is crazy, it’s not you.” Even said “you know how you’ve been to therapy? You weren’t the one needing to go. It was your father and your grandmother who needed to go there.”

                Anywho. I’ve texted cousin to let her know, and she’s also been told by her parents, but short of hanging up on Gma (which I did once, and that was a crazy amount of fallout from that), I’ve just been going “Dad isn’t here, I’ll get him to call you back, bye” and/or handing the phone immediately to Dad when I hear her. She actually got hold of my former work number once and used to ring there and I had to ask the receptionists to block that number so I didn’t end up having conversations of her going “you never speak to me, why do you hate me, you’re so ungrateful, you’re going to end up just like your mother, no one will want you” and I’m there trying my darnedest to stay polite because Respect and Kindness and Be Polite and Don’t Swear In The Office Even If It Is In Spanish And You Are The Only Spanish Speaker There.

                And, plus side, apparently Dad’s been hanging to have them around for dinner again, and I went out last night for dinner. Mum permitted that visit, because she knew I wasn’t there – and was out with friends. I’m fortunate with Mum being around, and with my uncle. I thought this was all long gone when I moved out… alas, moving back put me in it again.

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  I am liking your uncle he seems to be the voice of reason. It sounds like your mom is cool about things too.

                3. Not my name*

                  You did nothing wrong. I’m sure her “reasons” are irrational at best. Keep taking care of yourself.

    4. Book Lover*

      Please don’t go. You might think you’ll feel bad not going, but I’m pretty sure you’ll feel worse if you do go. And if you have the chance, consider cognitive behavioral therapy – I understand it is good for people pleasing tendencies. If counseling isn’t an option, I think there are workbooks? This just sounds so terrible, and sounds as though you are trying to blame yourself for it, too :(

      1. WriterLady*

        Definitely that. I’ve spent quite a while wondering what I did to cause it, but it turns out no! It is not me! It is a grandparent who is just… argh.

        I’ve done a bit of CBT before, but it’s been a while and I’ve been meaning to get back in it. Since moving down here, I’ve been without a therapist I trust (my guy is 2.5hrs away), but I’m on the lookout.

    5. Merci Dee*

      Is it bad of me that the first thing that pops into my head is, “I’m going to the party … in a bikini.”

      Sometimes I struggle mightily with my contrary instincts.

      1. WriterLady*

        The amount of times I have contemplated doing such things is actually too high. “I’ll go to that party and let my love handles hang out, possibly make them jiggle”

    6. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Do NOT go to that party. I went through something all too similar. The scars are still sore and she’s been gone for several years. I used to be a people pleaser too. Then I finally realized I was so focused on pleasing everyone else that I was miserable. Took a long time to learn how to put myself first. Still get crap about it at times from some people in my life but I’m learning more and more to ignore them and focus on my own peace of mind.

      The fallout is nothing compared to the pain of putting yourself through more abuse. Hugs and prayers.

    7. Observer*

      Does your grandmother only do this when no one is around? If so, then I would suggest that you record her and play it for your father. Then erase it. (I’m not worried about legality here, but you REALLY don’t need that recording for you to hear over and over again.)

      I’m betting, though, that she’s not shy about doing this in front of your parents. So, what you really need to ask your father why he’s pretending that this is not happening and why he expects you to put yourself in a situation where you’re going to be treated like trash?

      1. WriterLady*

        Oooh. No, she’s brazen. She won’t do it in front of my father, but she will do it in front of my mother. Catch, she’ll only do it in Spanish because she knows my mother doesn’t speak it, and when I tell my mother my grandmother suddenly can’t speak English and turns on the tears.

        So we can have my mum, my uncle, my aunt, my brother, all telling my dad, and he’ll still go “oh you misunderstood/you’re making it up/she means well.” My brother is also avoiding the shindig, but he’s got the advantage of maleness (as the only grandson, he could murder anyone less than the Pope and my grandma wouldn’t care) and being far, far away. I envy him.

        As my uncle said, “She might mean well, but she’s certainly not acting like it, and that’s what’s more important.”

        1. Dinosaur*

          My dad is similar about his mother. I had to give up on expecting/hoping that he would ever defend me or demand that his mother treat me like a human being. I just know that he will never be willing to “disappoint” his mother by defending my right to exist, and I think badly of him for that. But we still see each other and manage to have a relationship, albeit one that isn’t as close as it would be if he would act like a father.

          Give yourself permission to stand up for yourself, no matter the “drama” that comes out of it. Once I started pushing back against my grandmother’s abuse, she backed down and shut up. Hopefully that will be the case for your grandmother as well. Also give yourself permission to not care about how your dad feels about you defending yourself. In my case, I told my father that if he wanted a say in how I managed my relationship with my grandmother, he should be the one to tell her to not behave in that manner toward me. By abdicating his responsibility to support and protect his child, he lost the right to complain about how I supported and protected myself. You don’t owe your dad or anyone else anything in this scenario.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I think it’s time to teach your mom some frequently used words in Spanish, so she can cue in on the gist of Grandma’s snide comments.

          1. WriterLady*

            HAHA. Oh man, I should. She now knows “fat” and “thin”, so upon hearing that she gets very alert and the death stare comes out.
            Gma’s fave thing is to very slyly assess how much fat we have on us as we say hello (the double cheek kiss thing), and she does it to Mum… to me… to my younger cousins… oh, and to one of my other cousins on my mum’s side, who jerked back and said “UM HELLO WHAT ARE YOU DOING” (we all died laughing at my Gma’s horror).

            And then I think of Mum’s mum: furtively sneaking us chocolates, worrying we weren’t eating enough, imploring us to be educated rather than “throwing it away on an early marriage”. Sigh. I miss her.

    8. Fellow Boat Rider*

      I can relate to the toxic grandmother situation. I told my father for years how I felt (she’d talk about how I was a mistake, my parents never wanted kids, always favored any other grandchild, never visited unless it was time for her to receive a gift, etc.) but he never did anything about it. Finally, during the time of my high school graduation I firmly told my parents that if she attended, I would not walk. (Ballsy move for an 18 year old who doesn’t pay bills, I know, but I was really over being treated like crap & thought the whole ceremony thing was frivolous anyways.) Fortunately, though it broke his heart my father did respect my wishes. My parents have always lived by “we’ll never force you to do anything you want to do,” and that really gave me the courage to stand up for myself.

      Long winded back story aside, my point is that once I cut her out of my life, I never looked back. It can make some family situations a little awkward, but my mental health has never been better. I hope if you find the courage to do something similar, your father will turn out to support you.

      1. WriterLady*

        Oh gosh. I’m so sorry you had to put up with it – it’s an intense situation. However, I am immensely proud of you for getting out of it! I dream of that level of cojones.
        She never was cruel to brother, but he actually didn’t want her at his wedding out of support for Mum and I. (Mum’s had quite a bit of vitriol flung her way; was even told at her wedding anniversary that she was surprised they lasted that long and that she thought my father could have done better, but maybe he’d do better in his second marriage. Suddenly, when we all questioned her, she couldn’t speak English, though she managed to do so perfectly for that part. And Dad? “Oh, she probably didn’t know what she was saying, she isn’t great at English.” He was right there and STILL couldn’t stand up for anyone.)

    9. Katie the Fed*

      Skip the party. And don’t give her an explanation. You need to limit all of your contact with her and set some serious boundaries. She only gets to have a relationship with you on your terms, and that means every single time she brings up your weight you suddenly have to go, have to get off the phone, remembered something you have to do, etc. This is how I got my mom to stop screwing with me. It was hard, and she gave me three months of the silent treatment, but it worked beautifully.

      As for your dad, this is none of his business. “Dad, this is between me and grandma. I don’t expect you to understand because you’ve never been willing to, but I want you to stay out of it. Thanks.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        So much this.

        And I would be tempted to tell grandma, “Why would I want a man and kids? So I can end up old and MEAN like you?” grrrr.

      2. tigerStripes*

        ” every single time she brings up your weight you suddenly have to go, have to get off the phone, remembered something you have to do, etc. ” This!

      3. Artemesia*

        Great advice. Love the script for the willfully obtuse Dad who knows but doesn’t care.

    10. ..Kat..*

      This is cruel and abusive. I recommend two blogs for you: Dances with Fat. And Captain Awkward. Good luck.

    11. Artemesia*

      Reading this just fills me with rage (and appreciation for my mother who managed to undercut my confidence throughout my youth but nowhere near in your parents’ league.)

      Your parents were monstrous in not protecting you from this. This would happen twice and my kids would never have been exposed to this again and I am sure the same would be true if I behaved this way to my own granddaughter. This is just awful. Your parents told her she had given you an eating disorder, but your father says you are making it up?

      Please give yourself a break and please find a job 2000 miles away from these people. You have an out for the party. ‘Just tell Grandma I didn’t lose the 10 pounds; I’ll see her again when I do.’ And then lose her. And any time your parents bring this up, leave or end the conversation if by phone.

      There is no excuse for allowing you to be treated this way. Take back your life and never put up with this crap from this old lady every again. You deserve better. (and of course many women who are heavier than average are happily married; feeling unworthy because your family treats you like crap will be more likely to result in an unhappy social life than any weight or other physical issues.

      You are amazing for not having punched anyone out at least verbally.

      1. WriterLady*

        To clarify (and kind of stand up for my mother) – the reason she hasn’t gone over there herself is because my grandmother pretends not to understand her, as my mother doesn’t speak Spanish. (She’s never liked my mum, and the feeling is mutual.) Anyway, she’s been begging my father for years to go do it, and he told her every time that he did go over there and tell her off. Turns out no, he never did, he’d just go over there and visit. So there’s Mum, wondering why I’m still getting this, there’s me going “wtf is wrong with my father”, and Dad sticking his head in the sand to avoid upsetting his mother.
        It took me sobbing to my uncle, and him calling my mother and father separately in horror, to find out that no, Dad hadn’t actually said anything. Mum is still furious, but that’s between them now.
        Thankfully, Dad’s all “oh you should visit your grandparents” and my mother is very firmly going “ABSOLUTELY NOT UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE IS PRESENT” and I think Dad is suitably cowed by mother dearest to not, at present, push the issue. I was also mildly worried about telling Dad that I’m 100% not going, and over dinner last night she just said, “So WriterLady is going away this weekend. End of discussion.” “She’s not going to the party?” “Definitely not. She made her decision, I support her, and that’s the end of that.” (And I inwardly cheered for my mother.)

        But with everything else… yep. I must go. I love Mum and my uncle dearly, which is why I’ve stayed here (also this area is lovely), but I need to move where it’s a bit healthier for me. There’s a reason my cousins and brother are all out of the storm.

        1. WriterLady*

          Ugh, mum’s just given me advance warning that Dad’s invited the entire family over for dinner on Thursday. Thankfully, I’ll be getting ready for my weekend away, and there are a few overseas visitors coming as well who will be the biggest distractions. Ah well.

    12. WriterLady*

      Final update from me: the family, including Gma, is aware of the shenanigans. Family has expressed some reservations over the decision (I explained to Gma the hurt was still there, and she said she was sorry for upsetting me, and when I explained I’d be visiting my brother, she was over the moon because her darling grandson etc etc). Gma, suprisingly, took it fairly well; she asked if maybe I could make it back on the Sunday because there are some other shenanigans happening then, less formal, and I agreed. I need to be back for work on Monday, so I was going to be back anyway.

      However, who’s no longer speaking to me? My father. Can’t please everyone, but I’ll try to please myself this once.

  65. Dan*

    For you Making a Murderer fans, Brendan Dassey is getting a new trial.

    If you ask me, it’s for good reason. While it’s not obvious to me whether the kid is guilty or innocent, it was painfully obvious that he had shitty counsel… his lawyer let the cops interview him without counsel present. DAFUQ?

    1. Temperance*

      I’m firmly in the “Dassey was railroaded” camp. I have a lot of feelings about the ethical implications of pulling a teenager with a borderline IQ out of class and then feeding him details and tricking him into confessing to a crime. The things he said made no sense with the actual crime.

      His attorney should have been disbarred for what he did.

    2. Mimmy*

      So glad to hear this. I’m just amazed that it was allowed to go as far as it did to begin with! I agree with Temperance–the lawyer needs to be held accountable.

    3. Shayland*

      From the ACLU

      “People with mental retardation are at a higher risk of wrongful convictions and death sentences. They may be more likely to falsely confess to a crime because they want to please the authorities that are investigating the crime. They are less able than others to work with their lawyers to help to prepare their defense. Because of the stigma attached to mental retardation, people with this disability often become adept at hiding it, even from their lawyer, not understanding the importance of this information to the outcome of the case. ”

      I recently came across a statistic for how many death row inmates have intellectual disabilities, but I can’t find it now.

      I don’t follow Making Murder specifically because the tactics used by the police to get the confession were used on me by special education teachers who were “fed up with my stupid.” I am a very suggestible person and I wonder how much of that is just part of my personality, the learning disability, or spending so much time in an environment where I had to read all these little clues about what the adult who had power over me wanted, and conform to that, or risk punishment and shaming in front of my peers.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This is so sad to read, but super important for our society to be aware of.

        I spent years working with folks who had all kinds of disabilities. I often wondered how much of the disability was from the home environment. I am thinking of one specific person who grew up in so much dysfunctionality she could not function on her own. Once something was explained to her she was fine. But for every one thing we covered, there were a 100 more we did not cover. Some folks have lives that are indescribably hard.

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Exactly – it comes down to (for me at least, not a lawyer!) did he receive his right to counsel and was he aware of his rights. I dont care about Avery necessarily but Dassey for sure needs another trial. He may or may not be innocent but that was criminal what they did to him.

      1. Temperance*

        I am an attorney, and you are 100%, totally right. He clearly was unaware that he didn’t have to speak to police – they came to him at school and tricked him into confessing without an adult present – and then they fed him lines. His story is nonsensical.

  66. Providence RI*

    I am thinking of visiting Providence RI. Any suggestions of what to see or where to eat? I was thinking a long weekend in Providence but it seems it’s much smaller than I imagined so maybe spending a day in Newport also? Or anywhere else? I won’t have a car.

    1. JulieBulie*

      Thayer St. is the place to be in Providence… at least it used to be… I admit I haven’t been in a while.

    2. Toph*

      If you won’t have a car it might be annoying to get from Providence to Newport. Eat on Federal Hill. Thayer St is near Brown and full of college students and local teenagers. If you want a college town feel, Thayer St is where to go for that.
      Is this trip strictly vacation? Visiting somewhere new? Unless you have a specific destination in mind (play you plan to see, event that’s happening, person who lives there to visit) there’s not much to do. It’s not really a destination. Newport is more touristy but pretty much just a day trip.
      Block Island can be fun, is also a day trip, but you’d need to get to/fro a ferry.

    3. The Unkind Raven*

      If you like adorable little cafes, try the Duck and Bunny! There is also a kitschy, adorable 50’s trailer park themed restaurant (I think it’s called Uggie’s) that is a lot of fun. I find Thayer Street to be a bit overrated. I loved wandering around the Brown University campus and going to their village’s and visiting the capitol building was great. Providence is small, but it is jam packed with fun restaurants and interesting sights!

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      Eat at Garden Grille in Pawtucket (literally just one block over the border from Providence) and its sister bakery Wild Flour.

      Also, on Thayer St. be sure to eat at Eastside Pockets (falafel is excellent).

      Oh, and Pane e Vino!

      For non-food, the RISD museum is fun to visit. And a walk down Blackstone Blvd.

      1. Overeducated*

        Pane e Vino is good! Federal Hill has lots of Italian, and Broadway, North Main, and Westminster have some great restaurants too.

        Other food recommendations (this is a mix of casual and fancier):
        Los Andes
        The Red Fez
        Cook & Brown
        Nick’s on Broadway
        Julian ‘ s
        Broadway Bistro
        Gracie’s
        Waterman Grille
        Chilango’s

        Lots of these places all have great weekend brunch and drinks, but brunch is super popular and they don’t take reservations, so get there before 10 or prepare to wait.

        Also I’m told there is some really great seafood on the coast south of Providence but can’t recommend specifics (my family isn’t into it).

  67. Perpetua*

    How do you react when a parent interacts with their child in ways you disagree with or think are harmful in front of you?

    My partner and I went to hang out with his/our friends (who are also our landlords at the moment). I usually like hanging out with them and I adore their 3 year old kid. Today the father seemed quite snappy with the kid, getting annoyed very easily by the things she did, grabbing her more forcefully at times, etc. What bothered me was his talk about disciplining her with spanking, and saying how she needs to learn respect and there’s no other way to do it when the kid won’t listen. At one point, she accidentally spilled a glass of liquid on me, I said it was no big deal (and meant it), but he got angry, and in the end I was much more uncomfortable with his reaction to the child’s behavior than the wetness.

    Now, I’m not a parent (yet) and I usually try really hard not to step out of line, as I can only imagine the challenges of parenting and dealing with opinions that everyone seems to have, but you’re the one living with your kid and raising them. However, I just couldn’t sit there and joke about the kid “getting hers” several times that day or laugh about the virtues of spanking. I expressed disagreement when he said that it’s the only way kids learn (I’m a psychologist) and just tried to emphasise the importance of letting kids explore to learn and using other forms of negative consequences if necessary.

    The whole thing got me wondering how other people react to such things, and is there a “best practice” to it?

    1. JulieBulie*

      It’s the only way kids learn?
      Really?
      Did his teachers have to spank him all the way through his schooling? Mine didn’t!

      I was spanked a lot as a child. I did learn something from it. I learned to be more sneaky.

      People don’t react well to being told how to parent, however. My personal preference, which is not necessarily the best, would be to find another place to live, because I would be very uncomfortable with someone who treats a small child this way.

      1. Artemesia*

        You get one shot at this I think with friends. So pick your moment if you want to do it. I was spanked (not that often) and my memory is of the hatred, anger and resentment that being spanked evoked in me. I didn’t want to cause that in my own kids. A rare spank for a kid under age 5 who does something dangerous probably doesn’t cause long term harm, but it is generally a sign of parents who are ineffectual.

    2. The New Wanderer*

      I’m guilty of speaking to a young child in harsh tones (because the first bunch of times asking in a nice voice had no effect) and grabbing an arm (as the child tries to dart into traffic). That might seem like a lot if you didn’t see the buildup to that point.

      However, pretty much all the literature says spanking is BAD for kids in both the short and long term. No benefits whatsoever; even if the immediate behavior seems to stop it is not for the right reasons. Fear based parenting is lose-lose. If that guy thinks there are no better ways, he is badly in need of a parenting class.

      Pretty sure even if you played the “in my readings as a psychologist” card, which is about as removed as you can get from outright calling the guy a bad parent, the guy would still claim that his own child is different and therefore this works on her even if it fails virtually every other child.

      You’re not wrong, but there’s no good way to advocate for the child unless you can be sure he’d be receptive. If he thinks spanking is funny at all, my guess is he wouldn’t be.

      FWIW I was in a similar situation recently – a mom at the pool thought her best course of action to “train” her 2? year old son not to drop his goggles in the pool was to make him fetch them by dunking him with very little warning. Twice. Poor kid screamed his head off and ran away from her first chance he got. She was making off hand comments the whole time about how this will teach him, and it’s okay, he likes the water. Yeah, he wouldn’t come near her for at least ten minutes later and never stopped crying. She couldn’t get him because she was “tending” to a baby as well, who she was dragging about with a pool noodle tied around her middle. No floaties, no life vest, nothing. Can’t believe the life guards let that go, but they’re teenagers so either didn’t recognize the risk or were too afraid to confront an adult. I said nothing. You will never be able to reason with someone thinking that what they’re doing is safe or best for the child.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        My parents used fear-based techniques and definitely spanked. None of it was abusive, but they were very harsh – if not always physically than emotionally. I’m not going to lie – it’s given me issues I still deal with in adulthood. It took me going to see a therapist finally to realize how harmful it really was. I didn’t grow up thinking it was ok to make mistakes, and that’s not healthy.

        As far as the original question, I’m not really sure how I’d handle it. I might say something “to be honest I’m more uncomfortable about this discussion than I am about a simple glass of spilled water.” But that depends on how good of friends they are.

      2. Observer*

        Actually, the literature on spanking is nowhere as near clear cut as you say. Of course, there is a line past which there is no question that it’s going to be a problem – and I suspect that the dunking you witnessed crossed that line.

        That’s not to say that spanking is “the only way” children learn. Also, without knowing the buildup, as you put it, it’s hard to say definitively, but I’d be more concerned if the roughness and snapping were an ongoing and constant pattern. You can never spank a child and still do a lot of damage that way.

        1. Temperance*

          Actually, no, the literature on spanking is pretty conclusive that it’s damaging to children and ineffective as a disciplinary technique. If you could find studies that show that spanking is effective, I would love to see them.

          1. blackcat*

            There is some literature that says that spanking could be neutral for long term measures. I think it may be B.S. People who are pro-spanking point to that a lot.

            But there is no even vaguely legit literature that shows spanking is helpful. At best, it is not particularly harmful. At worst, it *is* harmful. So…. why do it? If it won’t help, and can hurt, there’s no reason to do it.

          2. Observer*

            There are actually very few good studies on the matter simply because so much of it so biased and / or poorly designed. That’s true regardless of the “conclusions” reached. Time and again, the supposed conclusions are not based on the data. At best, there are a LOT of extrapolations.

            I haven’t really looked at this in a while, but everything I’ve seen that was solid indicated that occasionally spanking a kid doesn’t do any damage. What I also saw a fair bit of was studies that conflated occasional spanking with issues like abuse or creating a fearful atmosphere in the home. Those things are well documented to cause problems, but occasional spanking is not the same thing.

            I’m not really advocating spanking – I’m just pointing out that if you are going to get into someone else’s parenting, you should limit yourself to stuff that we really do know is liable to be a problem.

            In this case, I would have been tempted to tell the dad either spank her or don’t but stop threatening her! There is plenty of evidence that it’s a real problem. Personally, and I realize that it’s anecdotal, I’ve heard enough stories about the negatives of threats that they’ve REALLY buried themselves in my mind.

      3. Temperance*

        Here’s my .02: I was raised by authoritarian, abusive parents. We don’t have a relationship anymore, actually because once I was no longer under their rule, they didn’t like it very much.

        I would have absolutely called the life guard’s manager, in your case, because that’s awful. I wish that someone, ANYONE had stood up for me when my parents were spanking me and shouting at me for existing. I wasn’t even “bad”, btw, they just expected us to be pliant and completely silent in public unless spoken to.

      4. Not So NewReader*

        Ugh. Memories. I assure you, OP, that kid will remember what his mother did for the rest of his life. And he will get away from her permanently as soon as he can.

      5. Observer*

        On a separate note, what this mother did with dunking her child is insanity. This kid IS being abused.

        I understand why you didn’t talk to the mother. But perhaps you should have said something to the lifeguard – or found the lifeguards’ manager. This mom was seriously endangering both kids (aside from the cruelty to the 2 yo, even if it had been perfectly safe, which it wasn’t.)

  68. Alex*

    I have a question. If an acquaintance or coworker that you suspect may be abused by a spouse and they mention specific behaviors. I.E. anything on the spectrum of physical, sexual, emotional, or financial. Is it beneficial for them to label the behaviors as abusive? For example, if someone says to me that their spouse doesn’t allow them to have any friends and is calls their work to “check” on them. Is it beneficial to say something along the lines of; that seems abusive and you deserve better or wow that seems abusive.
    The reason I am asking is that in my experience, victims of abuse who have not acknowledged that they are being abused are really adverse to labeling behaviors or people as abusive so they either become defensive of their abuser or attempt to rationalize it. Sometimes they feel like it’s too strong of a word, or it’s not real abuse because real abuse is (insert extreme case here) . The word abuse is a very harsh word and it carries negative connotations (as it should), and I don’t want to get in the way of people making the connection to behaviors that are abusive. On the other hand, I don’t want to create any barriers to communication by labeling something with a label that they are deeply uncomfortable using at the time. What are your thoughts?

    1. Temperance*

      I typically do not refer to someone’s boyfriend or husband as abusive up until I’m worried about their safety. I want to keep the lines of communication open. The only time I used that word with someone was when her boyfriend choked her, and I was worried about escalation to murder.

      When you call someone’s partner abusive, you set up a situation where they have to defend their partner. It’s a reflex.

      1. Dan*

        It’s worse than that. When you call someone’s partner abusive, you’re setting up a situation where the person has to defend themselves — as in, why they’re still in that relationship.

        BTDT. For me, it had nothing to do with defending my partner — and everything to do with why defending why I was sticking around and hadn’t left yet.

        To be clear, I left.

    2. Ann*

      I just read a suggestion in a similar context to reply, I don’t understand what you mean? And be really confused what does that mean, spouse does not “let” you have friends? What do you mean checks on you, are you ill?

      Be really genuinely surprised at these odd behaviors.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Yes, this! Make it obvious that the behaviors are not normal, but don’t label them. Particularly with something as loaded as “abusive.” However, I can see where even these kinds of questions could make someone try to justify the behavior – oh he worries about me arriving safely, vs. the probable real reason of “she better be where she said she would be.” But still, planting the seeds that this is not normal behavior in a relationship could be helpful in the long run.

      2. Alex*

        That’s a really good idea. I’ve been trying to come up with scripts on how to “d-normalize” those kinds of behaviors but without sounding judgmental. It is a really fine line to walk.

    3. Sam Foster*

      My experience is that abused people generally will defend their abuser and/or become aggravated with you. Often, I’ve seen the abused person tell the abuser making the helper a target. I don’t believe this is malicious but more self-conscious trying to curry favor with, or deflect the behavior of, abuser.

      Unless and until they ask you directly for help, I don’t think there is anything you can do unless your workplace has good policy/management/HR that you can bring the general safety/well-being concern to.

    4. Dan*

      If you want to be a “safe space”, you have to be a “judgement free” zone. Sorry for all of the quotes, but seriously, you can’t tell people stuff they don’t want to hear. What you can do, though, is be a good listener.

      What I can tell you is that the person you’re concerned about probably recognizes behavior that isn’t quite normal, but keeps it to themselves. Why? Because they don’t want to defend *themselves* as in, why they chose that person or why they’re still sticking around — we all have our reasons. Or, maybe it’s going to get better once X happens. (I hope to god that X isn’t “have a kid.”)

      The funny part? The worse the behavior gets, the more the victim keeps their mouth shut. Why? Cause they don’t want to answer the question, “Why haven’t you left yet?” That’s that person’s business, not yours to ask.

      Along the lines of “you don’t get it”, the hardest questions here for me to deal with are from those who are in “alternative” relationships, and ask, “how do I get my coworkers to call my SO ‘master’ at work-social functions? We’re dom-sub, you know.” There are things I just don’t want to know, because I’m going to tell you to run like hell, even if that’s not the advice you’re asking for. BTW, can wear a sub collar to work? I hope not, because that sets off triggers for me… and I’m a dude. How am I supposed to know when to tell you to leave an abusive relationship, and when you’re voluntarily in a dom-sub relationship? And in a workplace, to boot? That’s just shit I don’t want to know, unless you’re looking for advice that sums up to GTFO.

      1. Dan*

        There’s some pronouns in the last paragraph that reads funny, because other stuff got deleted because I used as qualifiers, sorry.

        1. Dan*

          Alison, why do the greater than and less than signs get deleted? This is really annoying.

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              This. In fact it’s not technically deleting them at all – rather, they are HTML code and it reads them as such.

              This is an experiment to see if something works >

          2. Toph*

            They’re reserved characters so they’re not being parsed as text. You need to escape them to use them as text.

    6. Lindsay J*

      I think you can name and label the behaviors in a way that indicates that they are not okay and not within the realm of normal behavior, without outright calling them abusive.

      My best friend did this when I was in an abusive relationship and I found it beneficial. She would call out specific behaviors (not the relationship as a whole) and say things like, “Wow, that sounds really restrictive,” “That’s not how caring relationships work,” “It sounds to me like he’s being really cruel to you,” “It seems to be like he’s being intentionally hurtful to you.” She did call his behaviors abusive once or twice.

      However, she never called my entire relationship into question. She never said, “He is abusive.” She never told me that I needed to leave (though she made it clear that she would be able to house me and help me with my bills if I ever did). She never put me in a position of defending him or explaining why I was still with him. I think I would have resisted. Well, I know I would have resisted because I did resisted when others did so, until I had come to terms with it and was ready on my own. These weren’t long, drawn out discussions. Just kind of drive-by comments when I brought up his behaviors, then on to other things. It was spaced out enough that I didn’t feel hounded or that she was negatively judging me or him or our relationship all the time. If it were every conversation I don’t think I would have been receptive.

      I did definitely have the feeling that it wasn’t really abuse because X, Y, Z for a long time. Her comments basically telling me that she saw what he was doing, she heard what I was telling her, and that what was happening to me was not okay were helpful in helping me come to terms with the fact that it was, in fact, abuse.

      But I think the behaviors can be labeled without labeling the significant other or the relationship itself. And I don’t think the term “abuse” has to necessarily be used because there are other (possibly more descriptive) ways to label the behavior that still makes it clear that it’s not okay.

      I do have to say that I’m not sure I would have been receptive to this from someone on the level of an acquaintance or coworker. I knew my friend prior to getting into the abusive relationship, we were close friends, and I trusted her and knew that she had seen the whole situation. I think if it were from someone I was not particularly close with I would have likely brushed it off with an, “I didn’t explain it right,” “She doesn’t know the whole situation,” or “She’s being dramatic.” I’m not sure how much you can help from the acquaintance level until she comes to terms with the fact that the relationship is abusive and makes the decision that she needs to get out on her own. Maybe putting literature describing abusive relationships, along with a DV hotline number around. But that’s it.
      love is respect .0rg has some good questions and literature about warning signs and abuse.

  69. MsChanandlerBong*

    I’m feeling bummed this weekend. I posted a while back about some abnormal blood work. In January, my rheumatologist ordered labs, and he told me I have a monoclonal protein in my blood. It’s not supposed to be there, but the level was low, so he said we’d re-test in six months. I just had the test again, and protein level increased by about 150%. My ESR (an inflammation marker) also rose from 46 to 68. Based on the labs, I’ve been referred to a hematologist/oncologist. My rheum didn’t make too big of a deal, but then when I called the cancer center, the woman on the phone told me having the monoclonal protein that I have is considered a malignant diagnosis, so they can get me in for an appt. in three weeks instead of two months. Since then, I’ve been alternating between terrified and positive. If it was just this one thing, I’d be okay, but it’s ALWAYS something. Every time I have ever had anything fun planned, or just been happy, I’ve had a medical problem. Going to the lake for a family vacation? MsBong has a temp of 105 and a raging kidney infection and needs IV antibiotics. Excited to celebrate your birthday at an amusement park? Time for a bowel obstruction (that almost killed me because the idiots at Hospital #1 didn’t diagnose it, so I had to be taken by ambulance to Hospital #2). Looking forward to swimming at summer camp? Ha! You’re gonna crack your ribs so you’re banned from the pool the entire summer. Got into a rigorous pre-med program at your first-choice school and can’t wait to become a doctor? Nope. You’re gonna develop lupus and kidney disease and heart disease, all before you’re 35, so you’re not going to have the energy or the physical fortitude for it. I’m so, so tired of pain and fevers and being tired and not even being able to do simple things without having to sit down and rest.

    Sorry. I am usually a very positive person. This is just a big blow for me. I can’t wait until July 20 so I can get the appt. over with and find out what is going on. The best-case scenario is that I have something called monoclonal gammopathy of undetermined significance (MGUS), which usually doesn’t cause problems, so I am hoping for that.

      2. Alex*

        I hope so too…. I just don’t want “paralysis through analysis” to overwhelm my thinking to the point where I don’t help someone when they really need it because I am worried about doing more damage.

    3. JulieBulie*

      I’m so sorry. I hope you get good news.

      I have an appointment on Friday that I’ve worrying about for months – but my labs weren’t as scary as yours, and another doctor’s unofficial opinion based on my labs is that this is nothing. Still, I am apprehensive.

      The 20th must feel like a long way off. Try to plan something really good just before and after – to keep your mind off it and to break that crappy pattern where there’s always a health emergency every time you’re going to do something fun!

      This is awful, but if it isn’t too personal please keep up posted. I hope you get good news.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I will post an update after the appointment. I don’t think I will know anything for a while. They will probably order more in-depth blood tests, then maybe a PET scan. I will probably end up having a bone-marrow biopsy as well. I bet you I won’t know anything for sure until October, which kind of works out–I’m a bridesmaid in an October wedding, so I’ll be able to do that and then come home and start treatment if needed.

        Good luck with your appointment!

    4. CheeryO*

      I’m so sorry. I’m going through my own nightmare with weird blood work and a rheumatologist that doesn’t know what to do with me. The not knowing sucks, but I’m also afraid of what the answer might eventually be. I hope you get the best-case diagnosis!

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Good luck with your blood work! My rheumatologist said I’m a mystery, and I was like, “Tell me something I don’t know.” Seriously, there have been multiple times I’ve had medical problems that stumped doctors. One time, I had a weird rash, and no one knew what it was. I had it while I was hospitalized for something else (probably one of my spine surgeries), and they kept bringing teams of residents and medical students to my hospital room to stare at me. The funny thing is that the doctor who finally diagnosed it was my pediatrician from a podunk town in Pennsylvania. He remembered reading about it in JAMA or some other medical journal a couple months before I developed it. I had granuloma annulare, which is pretty common now, but I guess it wasn’t common at the time.

        And it has taken 10 years to get a firm lupus diagnosis. When I lived in PA, my kidney specialist and my PCP believed I had it, so they always ordered labs to monitor it, but the rheumatologist didn’t agree. I moved out west in 2015, so I had to start all over with doctors. The CRNP I tried was a complete jerk. I told her I had lupus, and she swiveled around on her stool and said, “You don’t have lupus” in the most condescending manner possible. In my head I was like, “Wow! Medicine has really advanced. Last I knew, you couldn’t diagnose or rule out lupus just by looking at someone.” However, my ESR was pretty high, so she grudgingly referred me to the rheumatologist. He didn’t think I had lupus, either, but he ran labs to rule it out. Then I got a letter in the mail saying my labs showed evidence of active lupus. I wanted to make a copy and staple it to the CRNP’s head. I no longer go to that practice because of her bad attitude.

    5. Mimmy*

      Try to be good to yourself in the next 3 weeks…anything that relaxes you can really help. I like JulieBulie’s idea of planning something fun before and after. Thinking positive thoughts for you.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I am sitting in bed playing a stupid game on my laptop (Dynomite–basically Bejeweled, but with colored dinosaur eggs instead of gems) instead of working or doing housework, which is a real treat for me. I’m headed back to the East Coast on August 2 so I can attend my cousin’s bridal shower, spend time with friends, and take a vacation with my mother. Mom and I are going to Pigeon Forge. It wouldn’t be my choice if I was planning a vacation (I’m the exact opposite of my parents and brother; they are camouflage-wearing, gun-toting country folk, and I enjoy ballet, art museums, and visiting major cities), but it is a nice place. We’re doing Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede, Country Tonite (we’ve seen it four times and it’s always pretty much the same, but my mom really wants to go again), the Smoky Mt. Opry, the Ripley’s Aquarium (best aquarium ever), and the Hatfield & McCoy dinner show. So I have plenty of fun stuff lined up for after the appointment. I think I’ll treat myself to a massage beforehand.

  70. ThatGirl*

    You all seem like good people so forgive my dumping of confusion and guilty feelings here. I have a friend who I am afraid is seriously losing it, and I can’t do a damn thing about it.

    I’ve known her 14 years but we were out of touch for awhile when I moved states. A few years ago she moved to my metro area and I was really happy to be able to see her more often. But in that time it’s become obvious she has a lot of trauma, both from her childhood and from an abusive ex husband and awful divorce attorney. She has descended into paranoia, suicidal thoughts, and it’s really hard for me to tell if she’s actually being stalked and harassed to an extreme extent or if she’s potentially even more mentally ill than she seems. Please understand, I want to believe her but some of her accusations seem straight out of a Lifetime movie. For instance that the city library system was hacked to prevent her from using her library card.

    Now she’s apparently left town and is holed up in a hotel somewhere, and we’ve had no contact since she ghosted on meeting me for lunch a few months ago. I only know she’s alive because of social media posts that seem increasingly unhinged. And I feel guilty because I feel like I haven’t been a good enough friend… Even though I have no idea what I could possibly do.

    1. Fiennes*

      The library card thing doesn’t sound normal, no. I’ve had a friend behaving strangely lately – not quite that paranoid but unstable. I’ve just kept recommending therapy, which is something I think is appropriate for nearly everyone at some point (and have done myself), so it doesn’t come across as preaching or condescending. If she will go to a therapist, that person will be in a much better position to assess your friend’s mental state.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Oh, there is so much I haven’t included, she did go to a therapist or two, and a support group for awhile, but she no longer seems to trust medical professionals. I agree that some serious therapy (and even inpatient care) would be good, but she won’t stay in the hospital and doesn’t trust psychiatrists.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      The problem with feeling guilty over not being a good enough friend is that it assumes that you, as one person, could fix this. I think you know in reality that one person cannot fix this. Added wrinkle, if she does not want help then no one can fix this.

      Life is humbling when we realize just how powerless we are in some situations. Some people believe in the power of kind thoughts, or the power of prayer or the power of positive mental imagery. If you subscribe to any of those schools of thought you can start there, certainly.

      Maybe you could contact the police in her current area and let them know? (Assuming you can figure out where she is now.)

      1. neverjaunty*

        So much this. Friendship and caring alone can’t fix serious mental illness, and there’s little you can do to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

        Perhaps try calling the National Alliance on Mental Health hotline at 800-950-6264? Not because you can save your friend, but they may be able to offer you resources to help sort this out for yourself.

      2. ThatGirl*

        I know I can’t fix her… But my husband is a therapist and I feel like I should maybe have been able to do more. It’s not totally rational and I know that. Nami is a good idea, I am a supporter of them anyway. Thank you.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          You are thinking with your heart. And that is a good thing. But sometimes we have to let our logical brains take the lead when it comes to taking action steps. Keep the good heart, though.

  71. April Showers*

    How do you react when someone doesn’t accept your Facebook request who otherwise seems active on Facebook? I wonder if I should take it as a hint.

    1. Christy*

      Yes, it sounds like you should take it as a hint. It’s a bummer but some people treat their Facebook friend lists peculiarly.

    2. Jeanne*

      It depends. It can be easy to miss requests for a few days when using the phone app. And FB sometimes glitches. One time I got a requesr, didn’t accept that second, just left it, then it disappeared for 3 days before coming back.

    3. Noah*

      If it is a coworker, many people refuse to be Facebook friends with their coworkers.

      Sometimes I will see a request on my phone and not immediately recognize the person, intending to take time later to look at their profile. Then I forget and it sits there for days.

    4. Ann*

      I am very active on Facebook and almost never accept friend requests. I like to keep my friends list very small. I am not even sure why, it is just how I do it.

    5. Anonymous Educator*

      I wouldn’t take it personally. Sometimes people accept/reject friend requests in bulk (or never). I recently got “accepted” by a friend whom I’d sent a request to months ago.

    6. Clever Name*

      When the same happened to me (it was our next door neighbor I thought I was friendly with) I figured she didn’t really want to be a friend and I shrugged my shoulders and thought to myself, “hey, everybody doesn’t have to like you”. I didn’t treat her any differently and everything was fine.

    7. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      if you two are friendly in life they may just use FB differently than you do? I have only family and close friends on mine but one of my friends has everyone they know through any venue.
      Do they have other social media that they keep more open?

  72. Christy*

    We almost adopted a kitten today but decided it was the wrong time for it. We had pulled into the shelter parking lot because I couldn’t find my cell phone en route from DC, and we went and looked at the cats, as we regularly do (we have one from that shelter), and there was the cutest kitten there. Same coloring as our cat, tiny, and adorable. We had started the adoption questionnaire when we decided that it wasn’t the right time for us. We just moved on Monday and our current cat is still adjusting, and the kitten would be dealing with a lot of flux as we unpack. I’m sad but I know it was the right choice.

    1. nep*

      That is tough, given that even if only for a little while, you thought that kitten was leaving with you.
      Sounds like indeed you did the right thing — you used good judgment. Let’s hope that kitten will find a perfect home.

  73. Christy*

    Oh, our move was awesome! I’m never moving without movers ever again. We ended up with 4 movers instead of 5, their mistake, and it went swimmingly. I’d intended to tip $40 each but instead tipped $50 each. As a tip: don’t have extra money in your wallet when you hire movers because you will want to give them all of the money you have because you are so relieved they moved you.

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      If you had asked for 4 movers, they’d have sent 3, says the voice of moving experience who finally gave up on having them send 4 guys (even though I worked out the logistics after the 2nd move, and it would totally go faster and cost me less money!)

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Professional movers are the best way to go. For our next big move, I’m even going to swing for packers. That is my dream.

    3. Dan*

      When I was in grad school, my new employer paid for my move from Cincinnati to D.C. It was in January, and I had a 1 BDR apartment. It cost $1500 for the full service move (they packed everything). I think normal rates were $4k for that distance and volume.

      I still have that apartment, and that move was 9 years ago. I swear to god, the next time I move, I’m doing the full service thing again. Forget trying to get your friends to move you and buying pizza and beer, I’m making one phone call and forgetting about everything. I may very well just be moving across town, but when the time comes, that will still be the best $1500 *I* ever spent.

      1. Clever Name*

        Totally. Having professionals pack for you is the way to go if you can afford it.

    4. Seal*

      Same here. I moved halfway across the country 10 years ago and my employer paid for my move, so it was the first time someone else had moved my stuff. After 20+ years of getting family and friends to help move, it was a revelation. Five months later I paid the same moving company to move me into my new condo, which was money well-spent. I expect to move again within the next 6-8 months and am definitely paying for movers.

  74. Tee*

    I need advice and I’m embarrassed to ask.

    Did anyone here not start properly dating until their 30s? For a whole host of reasons I’ve never really dated. I had lots of low-self esteem and anxiety for most of my 20s. I put lots of energy into my “career” (which isn’t that great yet, so, I don’t have an amazing high powered gig) instead of socializing/dating. Now, I kind of regret doing that and I’m terrified I’ll end up alone because I wasted my 20s.

    I’m just not sure where to begin. There aren’t many men in my field, so meeting someone through work is unrealistic. Is online dating still a thing? Is OkCupid where I should start? Gah! I have no idea where to begin!

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      I’m a bit younger than you, but I never dated in high school or college. (Seriously, not one single date.) I was pretty focused on academics and also just shy and awkward.

      Last summer I tried Christian Mingle (it seemed like a safe entry into online dating) but there was practically no one local to me (smallish town). I went on two dates with a guy, but he was kind of meh. So yeah, first date at age 25. . .

      Then I signed up for Match, but didn’t pay just wanted to see what was around. I put up a few pictures, but not one that would show up as the main profile, because I couldn’t get that to work.

      Left it alone for months because I decided I was pretty content with singleness.

      Got tired of the emails and went to delete the profile but thought I’d browse a little again first. Looked at this one guys profile and thought he seemed really nice, but assumed he wouldn’t be interested.

      Well, he messaged me, so I paid for a month of service so I could read the message and message back.

      He’s great and we’ve been together 4 months now! :)

      So it can totally work out, even if you’re not super dedicated about it lol.

    2. Mischa*

      I’m in the same position. 25, never had a boyfriend, never dated in high school or college. I’m curious to see what people have to say — I’m really itching to not be single.

    3. Aealias*

      I didn’t date til late 20s with 2 degrees and some work time under my belt. When I finally decided that waiting for a romantic prospect to come looking for me wasn’t working out, I started s multi-stage campaign.

      1) Learn to maintain instead of dodging eye contact with cute people of my target gender.
      2) Practice flirting with people who are attractive (I could already flirt with people with whom I shared zero attraction)
      3) Ask someone out for coffee (ack! Terror! Ack, ack!)

      I never quite got to step three, as I met someone in the course of pursuing my hobby, who hobbied with me, and eventually we decided that dating was a plan. And then got married. So. I guess my point is, make a plan, give it a go, be willing to sideline the plan if something unexpected turns up.

      Also, let your friends know you’re looking, and pursue activities that light you up. People are most attractive when happily engaged with what they’re doing, imo.

    4. Dan*

      I got married at 29 (divorced at 33) and I’ll say that I didn’t start properly dating until I was in my mid 30’s. Yes, I just said that I didn’t properly date until I got divorced… part of the reason I got divorced so quick the first place (married the wrong person.)

      *Don’t* date in your field… particularly at work. That’s not where you shop for dates when you are a novice. For that matter, don’t hit on people at *their* work. They’re paid to be nice to you, and if you don’t know the difference, you’re just going to get egg on your face.

      OLD is a thing, and so is OKC.

      You begin with getting online and going on dates with guys who message you. Some people get really picky about the first date, but for the first few, what do you really have to lose? Do you want to spend your social time on a computer, or with people? Personally, I push for the in-person date ASAP. Time is valuable and blah blah, but the truth is, if you spend six months messaging someone just to find out they’re unattractive, would you have wasted more or less time going on a date right away? Me, I spend enough time online to figure out if 1) They can carry a conversation, and 2) We have enough in common to make it through a first date. If so, it’s a go. I try not to spend 3-4 message online before setting up something in person.

    5. Anon for this*

      Yes! I never dated, not once, all though high school, college, and after. This was due to a lot of factors such as severe shyness, general awkwardness, utter lack of self-confidence, full of insecurity, etc, etc.

      This only changed last year, when I was 31 and I started dating someone who I had met through a friend. I can’t really give any advice, as that kind of mushroomed really fast from flirting to full on relationship, and then self-destructed about 7 months later.

      Since then I’ve flirted a bit but nothing more than that, as my self-confidence has been in the pits again lately.

      Looking back on it, the only thing that really changed at the time was me. I had recently starting doing really well, taking care of my self physically and mentally, was doing okay career wise, socially, and just generally happy and self-confident. That really does make a difference. Happy me is much more attractive than gloomy miserable pessimistic me, completely regardless of physical appearance.

      Unfortunately, it’s going to take a lot of work to get me back to that point of happiness.

    6. Katie the Fed*

      I had a couple boyfriends (no more than 5 months each) in my early-to-mid 20s, and then I just stopped. For a decade. I was focused on other things. My now-husband was the same way. We met on Match. I’ll be giving birth to our son about 5 years after we met :)

      1. Bibliovore*

        Not sure this is the same. Socially awkward in my teens and twenties in addition to off the charts anxiety and periodic clinical depression. That said, didn’t date. I can count them. One college boyfriend for about 8 months. In my twenties, 4 dates, two were set up by my parents. No second dates with those people. One stalker boyfriend for 3 months, we met in bar. What I thought was persistence turned out to be stalkerish- showing up unannounced, not taking no for an answer, and manipulative behavior. Then Mr. Bibliovore who I asked out on our first date.
        We dated long distance for 4 months…talked on the phone nightly, had 4 actual dates over 4 months. Then he moved nearby. We dated for 1.5 years before we decided to get married. I was 27.

    7. Lindsay J*

      I met my significant other through OkCupid and we are both in our 30s.

      I really liked OkCupid because they have all kinds of questions you can answer that are multiple choice in addition to the profile that you fill out. They’re kind of a fun way to kill time mindlessly while you fill them out, and they give you a match score with potential partners based on how similar you are.

      You can also look at the specific questions other people have answered and how they answered them. I found some of them very good for eliminating people that I felt I would not want to be around.

    8. SeekingBetter*

      Hey I can kind of relate to you! I ended up having my first boyfriend at the ripe old age of 26. We spent a good 1.5 years together until he had to move for a job out-of-state. Since then, my dating life has sucked and I wouldn’t count in the other relationship I had with a loser who was just using me as his rebound relationship (that lasted only six months.)

      Now in my early thirties, I haven’t really been dating much. I don’t go out to bars and I’m usually busy with my exercise classes. I fear I will probably die alone too. It seems like everybody (late 20’s and up) in my area (that’s within a half-hour drive) has already been taken. At least the quality, not crazy/mentally unstable people. Not much advice that I could give to you other than I hope you meet somebody you click with and end up in a relationship with! Dating’s hard!

  75. Aphrodite*

    I dislike clutter so my home is free of it yet. I think what I have is a home that “just right” for me in the amount and type of furnishings that I love. Yet every once in a while I get the urge to dig particularly deep in terms of, well, decluttering.

    At the beginning of June, my best friend came to visit for two weeks. It was fabulous! One day we went to a flea market and I unexpectedly came across some fantastically priced jadeite dishes (in green). I love emerald so my home has lots of greens. I have also been thinking for a quite a while about how dishes have grown in size over the decades and wondering if some dishes from the mid-twentieth century might be better in terms of downsizing my meals. Jadeite comes from that era, plus and minus.

    So I bought the dishes and I love them! However, I had two sets of dishes, one white with silver trim and one cream with gold trim. When I got that “get rid of things now” urge I pulled out all those dishes along with cookbooks and books about food I didn’t need any more and dropped them all off at the thrift store this morning. That felt so good!

    I still have three sets of flatware: my mother’s sterling silver, a unique stainless set, and a set of gold ones. I intend to keep these as they will provide different looks and are much easier and smaller to store. But I am thrilled to have all those dishes gone–and the volunteers loved them!

    Now I have two empty cabinets and three shelves. Yay!

    1. JulieBulie*

      I envy/admire you – my urge is to jealously hoard things. Recently I’ve gotten a little bit better at recognizing things that I can do without, but instinctively I still resist throwing things away. I have no idea what an empty cabinet or shelf is like! I haven’t seen such a thing in years.

    2. Seal*

      I’ve been seriously purging stuff for the past year or so, in anticipation of moving out of state for a new job. While I’m still job hunting, the sorting and tossing process has been very freeing; I can definitely see I’ve made progress. My goal is to finish going through things by Labor Day, which in theory is quite doable.

      My mother, who’s 83, has been talking about moving out of her too-big townhouse into a senior building. Before she does so, she needs to drastically downsize. Unfortunately she can’t see the big picture and keeps obsessing about small things rather than aiming for the larger things that will make a dent. The last time I visited a few months ago (she lives halfway across the country from me) we went through some stuff and took a couple of carloads to Goodwill. Progress, I suppose.

      1. fposte*

        I can’t downsize under pressure or at speed now, let alone with possible issues of aging, so I’ve started doing it slowly and continuously in anticipation of moving in a decade or two. Hopefully I time it right and don’t end up with a a still-full house or just a toothbrush at that point.

    3. On Fire*

      Love jadeite! I found a Fire King (Anchor Hocking) jadeite plate at a flea market. It was *not* fantastically priced, but I collect glass, so I got it.
      And congrats on the clean-out! Dishes are my weakness (and books. So many books), so I couldn’t have done what you did, but when we moved last year I carried tons of stuff to Goodwill. It was lovely. Now I just work to keep things simple and streamlined.

  76. Sparkly Librarian*

    It’s time for me to make another 101 Things in 1001 Days list. I’m short on ideas — perhaps you all have some! This is kind of a cross between a 5-year plan, a bucket list, and a master to-do list; some things I have previously included are: buy a house, learn CPR, take a road trip out of the state, find out my blood type, get my makeup professionally done, go berry-picking, save $X in loose change, get my passport renewed, see a drive-in movie, (re)watch all the Harry Potter movies. Personally, I don’t want to travel (which accounts for a ton of common items on these lists), and I’ve already reached a bunch of milestones in my life. What else should I do, or what would you like to do in your next 1001 days?

    1. Sled Dog Mama*

      I’ve got trips with each family member and me planned (just me and my daughter, just me and hubs, just me and mom)
      And making a dress for my daughter.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        A fancy dress, or just an everyday dress? Are you an experienced seamstress?

        1. Sled dog mama*

          I’ve made her everyday dresses so far. She’s super into dresses, I’d call her a tom-boy but I had that term, she loves to wear them and do everything that her classmates in shorts do, and I’ve had a hard time finding ones that hold up to how hard she plays so I started making her some really sturdy ones.
          But the dress I’m referring to here is a fancy dress for my brother’s wedding, this will be my first fancy dress.
          I guess you could say I’m not a beginner when it comes to sewing (my mom taught me in elementary school) but she does much more craft sewing than clothes sewing so I’m having to re-learn a few things.

    2. Sparkly Librarian*

      I added “see snow falling” and “put the guest bedroom together”. Still need about 25 goals (that hopefully focus less on spending money and more on home organization and having fun).

  77. Instant Pot!!!*

    I finally caved and bought an Instant Pot. Any favorite recipes or recipe websites/books? Any tips? Yay!

    1. Gala apple*

      I love Vegan Under Pressure! There are a bunch of different FB groups too depending on your interest area.

    2. Brogrammer*

      Serious Eats has tons of fantastic pressure cooker recipes (and tons of fantastic non-pressure cooker recipes, too). I make their pressure cooker chorizo and black beans at least once a month, usually more.

  78. acmx*

    I need recommendations for an ad blocker. I use firefox. Ad Blocker Plus isn’t blocking ads on this site now and the ads are huge and autoplay. I can barely type a comment.

    Thanks!

    1. Jessesgirl72*

      Ad Block Plus, or Ad Blocker Plus? Did something disable it on the site? Because I’m using AdBlockPlus on Firefox, and no ads.

      1. JulieBulie*

        +1, no problems here with similar setup. (Actually, it looks like what I have is called uBlock. I don’t remember getting it. All I know is I’m not seeing any ads.)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I know the ads are incredible.
      Stupid question, did you make sure it’s on? I had to fuss with it some when I installed it. But now it works just wonderfully.

      1. acmx*

        Jessesgirl72 – its ABP in the stop sign.

        Yup I can tell visually it’s on and I checked in the drop down menu. also turned it off/on, new tab.

        1. Observer*

          Interesting – I’ve also got ABP in FF, and no ads.

          But, if it doesn’t work for you, get another ad blocker.

    3. Peanut*

      I use firefox on an Android phone and switched from adblocker to ublock, which seems to work well. I’ve had issues with some websites on a laptop using firefox and ublock, but so far no problems on the phone. Tbh, I had no idea there were even ads on this site until I read some comments about them.

      1. acmx*

        ABP works OK on my phone with this site. It’s my laptop that it has now completely failed on for this site.

        I’ll try ublock. Thanks.

      2. acmx*

        Ublock seems to be working great! And it was right there when I went to ad ons. Think I’ll switch to this on my phone, too.

        Thanks!

    4. Elizabeth West*

      They’re getting worse everywhere. YouTube is getting unwatchable. Of course they want you to pay to not see ads. I have never in my life bought something from one of those pop-up asshole things.

      2. Mimmy*

        Oh I believe it. Another site that I frequently visit is called TVLine, and it became increasingly unreadable because the ads kept crashing my browser (Safari on iMac). So between that and this site, I installed AdBlock Plus (I think Alison suggested it), and all is well again.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I can’t even watch YouTube with AdBlock Plus on anymore. I had to disable it or I can hear the videos but not see them. I can click on the popups to get rid of them, but the damn loud video ads are really annoying. Especially in ASMR videos. I don’t think advertisers realize how much of a turn-off they are–I’m LESS likely to buy something from you if you interrupt my ASMR time, Don Draper!

    5. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      AdBlock Plus + Firefox here and no ads. Both your AdBlock and Firefox are up-to-date? (I’ve sometimes had weirdness if one or the other isn’t)
      I also sometimes use NoScript – it’s a bit of a pain because you have to manually allow each page’s scripts (though there are permanent and temporary options), but it blocks things like nobody’s business.

    6. Liane*

      Any suggestions for Kindle Fire ad blockers?
      I was one of the ones having problems with the gift card ones last week. On a couple other sites I am having trouble with an even more annoying full page pop up. A few seconds after the page loads, it freezes and the whole page is replaced by a full page ad (so far it is either USAA online banking or Sonic). There’s a large X button to close, but about 1/3 of the time it opens a new tab for the product advertised.

    7. Amadeo*

      uBlock Origin and Ghostery combined. Of course occasionally I do have to turn one or the other off to get something I want to see to load, but they’ve been invaluable in reducing ads and trackers.

  79. Aurora Leigh*

    I moved!!

    The new apt is smaller, but so nice and clean and I’m away from the horrible landlord who got mad at me (!!) when the place was broken into because of his incredibly shoddy locks. I found out recently that any key at all would open my door . . .

    So I am really happy to be moved and into such a nice place even though it is more expensive and I have a ton of unpacking to do. Making everything that I had in a large 1 bedroom fit in a studio might be tricky, but the kitchen is actually bigger here.

    Did I mention that it is so clean and nothing is broken! It’s amazing!!

    2. SeekingBetter*

      Congrats!! So super happy you found a place that’s clean and functional :)

  80. Rogue*

    Ha! I was able to put something I learned here into practice this evening. Nosy neighbor asking too many intrusive questions and when he finally asked something that crossed the line, I was able to use the “Wow. What a strange question. Why do you ask?” Immediately, he released the line he crossed and apologized. He also apologized two more times before our conversation ended. It’s taken me years of retraining my brain to teach myself that no, I don’t have to answer every question I’m asked 100% honestly or at all, if I don’t want to. It’s okay for me to decline.

      1. Longtime Lurker*

        That’s awesome. That’s also something Dear Abby always recommends, but I’ve never had the chance to use it IRL. I always thought it was wonderful advice, though.

    2. D.W.*

      Good for you! I’m looking forward to a time when I can respond accordingly to an intrusive question.

  81. Mischa*

    Question for the commentariat: did you ever reach a point where you realized that it was time to get some distance in your relationship with your parents?

    I love my mom, and she is not abusive nor is our relationship toxic. But she is not fun to be around right now. She’s been having some difficulty with her job, and is also hitting that stage in her marriage with her husband (my dad) where all they do is bicker. The resentment is palpatable on her end. Thankfully, I just moved out, so I feel like that will help. I end up shouldering a lot of her stress and problems, and she is stubborn and won’t listen to advice or anything. It’s like she’s determined to be miserable. We are pretty close, and I would like to stay close, but not this level of (fairly one-sides) dependency. I just turned 25 if that helps at all.

    Have any of you had to deal with something like this?

    1. Ann*

      Yes, I hardly know anyone who has not found the need to get some distance from their parents. I used to work at a religious school that was very focused on “honoring your parents.” I confesed to one very religious co worker (i am not at all religious) that i had the value of honor your parents but found it hard to put in practice. She said sometimes you just honor them for bringing you into this world. That really stuck with me. I hardly interact with my mom now and when I do, I focus on being thankful they had me. It has helped.

    2. Sam Foster*

      Just because they are related by blood doesn’t mean they have to be in your life. You need to decide what is right for you and stick to it.

      1. Mischa*

        I don’t want to cut them out completely, just step back and steer for a more superficial, less “we all know each other’s business” kind of relationship. I’m just not sure what that looks like. My extended family is…very interdependent and it’s not healthy.

        1. Dinosaur*

          The easiest way to do that is to model the kind of relationship you want with them. If they ask you a deep, personal question that you’d rather not answer, give a surface answer and move on. If they start to get too personal and you don’t want to hear it, politely redirect the conversation to something lighter. If they resist your efforts to redirect or harp on you for a more personal answer, excuse yourself to take a walk, do an errand, say goodbye and hang up, etc. Think of it like training a dog.

    3. Dan*

      Yeah, I reached that point at 17. I lit up a shit storm on my way out.

      One of the things I find fascinating is when people feel they have to do the half-compliment sandwich on someone — as in, they’re going to say something negative but feel they have to preface the statement with something positive. I’m 37, and to this day, my mother and I barely speak. (Yet, she lives with my dad, with whom I speak every week. Go figure.) When I talk about the situation with mom, I never preface it with, “I love my mom, but…” because the truth is, we have a difficult relationship. Do I love her? What does love mean anyway? My dad? I actually enjoy spending time with him; my mom, not so much.

    4. Kat*

      Yes, I know what you mean. I’ve never had a good relationship with my dad, and it took till my late 20s to really accept that it’s OK if I stop making the effort to make that happen and give myself a break. I used to find being with him for long periods of time very stressful and bad for my mental health, although I think he’s mellowing a bit now he’s older… or maybe I am just giving myself more distance! Not sure. Anyway, it’s totally OK to do that and you need to have that breathing space and distance for your own wellbeing. If you want to see her at all, I would try to keep it to short bursts of time that you know have an end point so you can ‘escape’ when it becomes too much.

    5. As if*

      For sure. Moving 3+ hours away and a few therapy sessions to help me set up boundaries helped a lot.

    6. MechanicalPencil*

      This is one of the reasons I started seeing a therapist. I love my mom, and she’s the parent I have a kinda relationship with. But she’s all concerned because I don’t and haven’t been sharing details of my life (I’ve always been private, so I’m not sure why this is news). Couple this with the fact that she’s under the misguided impression that my religious and political beliefs mirror hers and it’s a bit of a powder keg waiting to explode. Looks like my sibling will continue to be the favored one since they won’t have shattered the political illusion and still follow closely enough to the religious thing that she can cope. Parents. Wouldn’t exist without them. Not sure how to handle them.

      1. Mischa*

        Oh boy, religion and politics — same deal here. Mom is at least respectful (to my face, at least) about those issues but it causes some tension. It doesn’t help that I don’t quite know when to stop when discussing those topics. Working on that (and working on not talking about them altogether).

        Her mother is WAY too into my mom’s business, which made her resent my grandma. I am absolutely wanting to avoid falling into the same cycle — I don’t want to resent my mom. She’s cool when she’s not being difficult. But I don’t think my mom does similar guilt trippy things that my grandma does. Pointing them out just results in her getting offended. You really can’t win, can you?

        1. Genevieve Shockley*

          Even though you are “family” it really isn’t a bad thing to say,
          “I have decided to follow old etiquette advice that says,
          don’t talk about religion, politics, sex or money in social situations. I am just extending that to family situations also. ”

          I know, they will fight back but you just continue to make the statement and bean-dip to another topic.

          It is all about boundaries. As a matter of fact, I was remembering just today about the time that my brother (who was 25 at the time) told our parents that he had joined a nudist camp. He is 70 and I am 63 and still flummoxed by his need to tell that personal information to my parents. And I don’t think it was done for shock value…it is just that our parents didn’t teach us to set good boundaries.

  82. Shayland*

    I drank too much tea too late in the day and now it’s midnight. I don’t know how tomorrow is going to go. I’m a little scared.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Urgh.
      Just rest if you can–if I were you, I’d go to bed and read until I fall asleep.
      I found out the hard way to not take Midol before bed, either. (It has caffeine in it)

    2. Dan*

      I have to admit, when someone starts a post with “I drank too much”, the word “tea” wasn’t what I was expecting as a follow up… especially at 1134 pm.

  83. TL -*

    I’m about to board my flight to NZ – moving there for two years. Too stressed to be excited now but in a week it will be glorious.

    Wish me luck! (and any advice about handling customs in Auckland? or NZ in general?)

    1. Kat*

      Oh my gosh, good luck! I am envious as I’ve wanted to go to NZ for years but can’t afford it quite yet. It looks beautiful. What will you be doing there?

      1. TL -*

        Masters program! Thanks! I’m in the Auckland airport right now (waiting a nice long couple of hours for my connecting flight, sigh.)

    3. Lindsay J*

      Have fun and good luck!

      Boyfriend and I are going there in January and I can’t wait!

  84. Kat*

    Three weeks today I will be on a flight to Vancouver for a 2-week holiday and I’m both excited and nervous. I lived there for a year in 2008/9 and it will be so weird to go back and be there again. I’m not sure how I will feel about revisiting that part of my life, when I was in my 20s and working a lot of things out (I still am working things out, but it’s not quite the same!). I can’t wait to see the city again with my friend (she and I lived together during that time and we’re still very good friends, so it’s thanks to Canada we know each other) and see where we used to live and work. And then we’re going to Vancouver Island (which I never visited when I lived there) and then on to the Rockies, which I found spectacular last time and I’m sure will be just as amazing this time.

    I wish I wasn’t scared of flying, though! 10 hours… the last time I did 10 hours was when I came back from there last time! I wasn’t scared back then, but now I am. I guess I need to find activities to keep entertained as much as possible. And my friend will be with me. And I might drink wine?

    1. atexit*

      The reason I hate flying is the potential of turbulence.

      About 10+ years ago I flew into Seattle and took an escorted tour through Vancouver province to the Canadian Rockies and back. So beautiful there. We commented on how clean the parks were – no trash.

      Enjoy your trip!

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I hate flying because of stupid people and stupid airline seats that kill my knees. I either nap or read. If you have a tablet, you could download a movie or two before you go.

      Have fun!

      1. Undine*

        Last time I flew, I downloaded some games I’d never played, and the time went by much more quickly than usual. They are designed to suck you in.

  85. Ramona Flowers*

    So I had the best day yesterday. We had an all-day street party in our village – my husband and a couple of friends DJed in the street from midday to midnight with a break for some live music, there was barbecue food, pimm’s and lemonade. I was meant to have an early start today so I left quite early, but ended up cancelling my plans for today so I basically went home to feed my cat and went back out to find everyone still dancing in the dark.

    It was so good to let off some steam and just have a fun day. I’ve been really stressed this month for a number of reasons and needed to let my hair down. I also realised my friends divide into three:

    1. Friends where we just hang out and talk about stuff like music or how work is going. We don’t get deep into emotional stuff, we just hang out. And actually that’s really good for me. I’m realising it’s a relief to be around these friends as I can just relax and don’t feel like everyone wants a piece of me.

    2. Some very close friends who will lean on me for emotional support and I do the same for them. There’s enough give and take that it’s fine. Lately I’ve felt very very irritated* when anyone wants anything emotional from me but these are the friends where I’d be willing to grit my teeth and do it anyway to a point.
    (*I’ve had a touch of low-level burnout/ vicarious trauma this month due to some of the work I’ve been doing combined with forgetting to avoid Facebook on Father’s Day as I went on to wish a friend a happy birthday. Am getting good support. Reflective supervisor has me assessing how much I let myself respect my own limits and boundaries which is partly why I’m thinking about this.)

    3. People who I feel take too much and I’m not willing to help anyway as I just can’t. I’ve mostly stopped having friendships like this but I have one that’s making me really stressed. She keeps trying to talk to me about problems she is having with her toxic mother and while I sympathise it feels like she is literally giving me all the toxicity due to the way she just kind of dumps it all on me.

    I am no contact with my abusive family and it is not always emotionally safe for me to hear about people’s current relationships with their parents as it has a kind of domino effect where it triggers loads of my own stuff. Generally I’ve found that when this domino effect happens it is not because I am selfish or don’t care but because the person talking to me is wanting a level and intensity of emotional labour that they need to get from a therapist and not from me.

    This particular friend doesn’t give me space to say I don’t have space for it. She says things like “I’ll tell you all about it when I see you”. I care about her but I don’t want to hear all about it actually. I’m still learning what’s normal in any kind of relationship but I think it’s okay to feel like that because it means I’m full and need to get my own oxygen mask on.

    Last time she dumped on me I asked if she was still seeing her therapist as this was something to discuss with them. She said no. I said well it’s something to think about. She is actually training to be a counsellor and hasn’t yet got past the habit of trying to treat her whole life like a support group or trying to practise with friends.

    I just don’t have space for everyone else’s drama right now. I think next time she dumps on me I’m actually going to tell her I have vicarious trauma and can’t listen, but that feels kind of extreme. Sadly I think she may be the next friendship to go in the very long process of separating out drains from radiators.

      1. kewlm0m*

        I’m glad you wrote what you did. Your words actually are very helpful. I recognize some similarities in experiences I’ve had and appreciate your reasoning and analysis. So thank you – not too long for me!

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I think it’s fine to tell your #3 friend that. I should have done that with a friend of mine–she would go on and on about this relationship she was in (dysfunctional, she didn’t want to leave because he was rich and did stuff for her kids, she was afraid because she didn’t have any job skills and was too afraid to try and get some, etc. etc.). I listened and tried to help but whatever. She would call me all the time with her stuff, and she would listen to my stuff, some of the time.

      She finally met a different guy and left the first one for him and then dropped off the face of the earth. I called her a couple of times to see how she was doing, and nothing. I didn’t realize until she ghosted me that I had become a foul-weather friend. :P

      The party sounds like it was fantastic!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I’m so sorry she ghosted you after you did all that emotional labour.

        It really was fab – it felt like a day long edition of the rooftop dancing scene in empire records!

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        Oh and thanks both for making it through that wall of text.

        As I cancelled plans for today I’ve spent it in bed watching films and reading, it’s been so great.

    3. Observer*

      If she’s training for therapy of any sort, she should understand the issue of vicarious trauma. So, either she’ll respect your boundaries, or you’ll have learned something important about her.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I think that’s what makes it feel frustrating in a way – she should know this!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          She does know it. But the rule of thumb applies to everyone EXCEPT her. It’s okay for her to unload on people. They don’t mind, because, you know, it’s HER and all…

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            Maybe. I’ve sort of been assuming she doesn’t know she’s doing it but…

    4. neverjaunty*

      That sounds like a fabulous party!

      I’m with you on this – I understand that not everybody can afford therapy and it can be difficult to find a good therapist, but I am *over* friends who decide to draft their social network to becoming therapist-substitutes.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Thanks – it’s helpful to hear that it’s okay to feel like that. I mean, I know that anyway, but I don’t always believe what I know.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I’d go with one or more of these:

      “Friend, I feel like I am enabling you to continue on in the problem relationships by listening to you. For my own life I am developing “a fix it or get out of it” approach. I will no longer be able to let you off-load on to me so that you can keep being stuck in these problems.”

      “Friend, vicarious trauma. It’s real. And I am having it each time we speak at length about your stuff. I am not qualified to help you with this. You need to seek professional help right away, because this has been going on for x amount of time, which is too long to be relying on lay people for assistance.”

      Relationships are a give and a take. If you are not getting back what you put into the relationship then she is just sucking up your energy. This is energy that you need for your own healing. Maybe you can give her some incentive by pointing out that in the course of processing her own stuff she will gain more insight as to what her own patients are going through.

      Yeah, I’d expect the relationship to drop out once you speak up. But she’s got nothing else, this is what she has. It’s too bad, but maybe this is just the push she needs to get help.
      I listened to a friend’s problems for 30 years. WHERE did the time go? Well, I had other fish to fry. And I thought it would clear up eventually. One day I woke up and it was 30 years later. I said, “ENOUGH”. Friend still has no clue what is wrong. I am not his dump, period. Don’t be me. You don’t have to do this for decades or even for years. I finally realized I did not need decades worth of “proof” to demand change.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Thanks – this is really helpful. I’ve actually gone for a softer version of no 2 for now and told her I’ve been experiencing vicarious trauma recently. She surely can’t continue dumping on me now and if she does I can refer back to this.

        I’m in my late 30s and have only recently learned to start setting proper limits so I hear you on the lost time. Your last sentence really resonated. Better late than never?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Right on.
          My lesson learned was to ID when people were using me as a dump in a shorter time frame. I am kind of “mad” at me for allowing this one to go on for 30 years. So I promised me I would correct sooner things in the future. Pat yourself on the back for doing this in your 30s. I was doing it in my 40s. Eh, we all go at our own pace.

          I have a little saying that I have used to help my thinking along. “We all have our own unique definition of what love is and what love looks like.” I work on my definition of love and tweak it in some manner when I encounter difficult situations like this.
          .

  86. Katie the Fed*

    Do you guys have more and more friends doing MLMs? It seems to be flourishing, and it’s driving me nuts. I’m trying to work on a polite and firm response to the women (and it’s always women) involved in this stuff. I WANT to tell them that I don’t support the MLM model because it’s predatory to working mothers, commoditizes friendships and female empowerment, and most people lose money. But instead I’ve gone with a more gentle “thanks so much for thinking of me, but I’m going to pass! Good luck!” But they are RELENTLESS.

    1. Mimmy*

      No advice, but one of my best friends from grad school tried to get me involved – she even gave my phone number to this other guy without my permission. I don’t think I’ve spoken to her since. I was so angry.

    2. Laura*

      Yes. There are a lot more of those. And it’s annoying. Although, Pampered Chef, Avon, and Mary Kay are probably my only exceptions because those products have a record of quality (or a percieved one at any rate. Tenure is likely a factor too.)

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I feel like MLMs and their pervasiveness in my life seem to be age-related. When I was in my 20s and early 30s, there were a lot of people I knew going to parties, having them, trying to sell, etc. Now that I’m in my early 40s, I never see it, except for the occasional brochure left in the cafeteria at work.

      1. JulieBulie*

        Yes – I actually thought they had gone extinct or were at least on their way out, but if younger people are still seeing them, it probably is an age/lifestage thing.

        In my late 20s/early 30s I can’t tell you how many times I would get invited to a “party” that turned out to be a sales event. Prior to the party, I wouldn’t know the person was involved in a MLM thing. Afterwards, they would try to get me to sign up.

        And I’d just say no. But I thought less of the people who did that. And I also learned to find out beforehand what kind of “party” I was being invited to!

      2. Lady Jay*

        I’m currently in my early 30s and keep getting invited to Tupperware parties, or asked to purchase makeup, via Facebook. Sadly, I think MLMs are alive & well; they’ve just moved online.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I’ve recently noticed a Facebook friend (went to high school with her) just set up her own Beachbody FB page and she lists herself as “owner/CEO.” For the last year or so she’s been posting a lot about her shakes, workouts, etc. But then she started posting about challenges and all that. She invited me through a FB message, and I politely turned her down. Luckily she hasn’t tried since. But it really annoyed me because she KNOWS I had weight loss surgery and have a specific diet to follow. And now she’s got her own page and is regularly posting about challenges and “message me ‘I’m in!’ to start your healthy new lifestyle.” Stuff like that. I’ve since unfollowed her so I don’t see it anymore.

        2. Lindsay J*

          Yeah, Facebook is the only place I encounter them, but they are everywhere. It must be about a quarter of my female friends selling some kind of stuff. And there are so many of these things that I’ve lost track of them all nowadays. One of my friends is selling some kind of skincare stuff. One is selling natural tampons? in addition to Younique and Skinny Fiber. A couple do Lularoe. One is doing like bath bombs and stuff like that. A few doing the weight loss wraps. Mary Kay. One does kid’s books I think? One advertises a membership to an all-natural online warehouse. DoTerra oils. My good friend’s roommate was going to quit her second job and try to make up the money selling Pampered Chef instead.

          Thankfully it’s not difficult for me to keep scrolling. Only every once in awhile do I catch something that makes me want to scream. (Claiming that they cure conditions and diseases, overly guilt-trippy bullshit, etc.) Then I decide whether or not I want to unfriend.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      The people who ask and then back off when I say no thanks will get nothing more than the polite reply. If they persist, they risk getting the lecture you outlined. But I’m also the person who posts articles on Facebook detailing how predatory MLMs are, so most of the time, they don’t bother me because they already know how I feel about it. Heh heh.

      I will buy Avon and sometimes Mary Kay from people, though. I do like Avon products. I wish they would just sell them online; because of the MLM structure, it’s hard to find anyone who sells it for any length of time and that’s the only way you can get it.

    5. Aphrodite*

      Unfortunately, MLMs teach their new naive sales recruits that the way to be successful is to exploit (though they do not use that word) others’ feelings, politeness, and caring to their own, and especially the company’s, benefit. Since women are conditioned to be sensitive to others that is a natural opening.

      The only way to deal with this is to be firm the first time you are approached: you are NOT interested, you will never be interested, and you do not want to hear anything about it ever again. You can and should remain polite but you must be absolutely firm–and if that person doesn’t take your “no” then you should be willing to walk away from the relationship until they come to their senses. It can be a sad thing but they won’t change their tactics until they get out of that underhanded cycle that MLMs are.

    6. Temperance*

      Yes. It’s super frustrating because there are some products that I like (namely 31 and Lularoe), but I hate MLMs on principle.

    7. Clever Name*

      It’s a real thing with some stay at home mom’s in my circle. If it’s something I’m interested in, I’ll buy something I want. If it’s something I don’t want to buy, I’ll pass. Luckily, a lot of the parties are online now, which makes it easier to browse with no pressure. For the record, I really do like LulaRoe. They make clothing for women of all sizes and it’s really body positive. Jamberry is a glorified sticker for your nails. Avoid.

      1. Lindsay J*

        I think I’d like Jamberry. But you can buy the same thing from Walmart for a couple bucks under the name Coconuts or something like that. Avoid the whole MLM structure, and much cheaper.

    8. Amadeo*

      I think it also has a lot to do with the desperation some folks have in trying to make some extra money. They can be stay at home moms, but I see a lot more folks (mostly ladies, interestingly enough) who do work at least part time, but usually full-time, hawking this MLM stuff. I haven’t been accosted by an Avon rep in ages, but I get invited to Facebook ‘parties’ for Jamberry (WTH, friends? If you’re on my list you know me well enough to know I don’t wear polish on my fingernails, it’s like covering the ends of my fingers in tape, they can’t ‘breathe’), Scentsy, whatever that new make-up one is (don’t wear it) and some other candle thing.

      It’s really prevalent around here because we’re in such an impoverished area of the state/country, most folks don’t make more than $30k a year unless they’re farmers or own their own successful small business. It is so, so predatory and I hate it.

    9. neverjaunty*

      People who relentlessly pester me to give them money stop being my friends real quick, so I haven’t noticed it as much. I do agree with others who have said it seems to be a particular demographic, often stay-at-home moms or folks with low-paying jobs desperate to bring in more income.

    10. As if*

      I’m the killjoy that posts the in depth expose on MLMs in response to invitations and fishing posts (“How can I get a personal loan to start a small business?”). I’m seeing it among friends in their 40s who were recently divorced or had a medical crisis in their families and are now desperate for cash flow.

    11. Lindsay J*

      It annoys me when they post all this guilt-trippy stuff about supporting small business owners.

      If you’re selling Lularoe or Scentsy or whatever you’re not a small business owner. You’re a cog in an MLM machine, the same as you would be if you were selling TVs on commission at Sears or something. Buying a $100 kit from a national, multi-million dollar company and guilt-tripping your friends into buying stuff from you is not small business, nor is it shopping local or any of those other buzzwords or phrases.

      Come up with your own ideas with your own product and your own marketing for your small business and I will support that. (Financially by buying it if it’s a good product and it’s something that I need. By liking/sharing/talking about it/emotionally supporting you otherwise.) There’s so much involved in owning a small business (or running a small charity) and I have a lot of respect for those who do it, and even more for those who manage to make it successful and profitable. Flogging makeup or whatever from a catalog is not in the same league.

    12. Ann O.*

      I have a few that do the essential oils and nail wraps. They’re pretty low key so far, so I don’t mind.

      What bothers me about MLMs is that some of them have perfectly good products that don’t need the sleazy con layer on top of it. I wish they would just hire and reward quality sales people.

  87. Victoria, Please*

    My husband is away for several weeks on a wonderful Fulbright trip to an exotic location –I’m so thrilled for him (and glad that I didn’t have to go; I’m one of the apparently unusual people who does not actually enjoy traveling to exotic places. He loooooves travelling). I miss him like crazy, of course, but am enjoying the time alone. Soon, though, I will have someone staying with me for a couple of weeks; colleague of a colleague who is in town for a short stint and really needed a place. Mine’s perfect for her. It will be nice to have the company and also I won’t get so set in my own ways that I’ll be annoyed when my husband returns! ;-) Also it’s a nice chance to pay it forward because a couple of random people over the years have been wonderfully hospitable to me when I needed to travel for work.

    On another note, hubby has GOT to get a new car. His was totalled last September when someone rammed into him when he was stopped at a red light. It got patched up enough to be drivable, but damn — I drove it someplace the other day and the steering wheel had like 1/2 inch of wobble before the wheels began to respond. I’m gonna have to put my foot down because he’s been dragging his feet on this for months.

    1. Clever Name*

      Car shopping is so unpleasant. Understandable he’s bee now putting it off. If you’re a Costco member, you can buy through them. Prices are incredible and there’s no haggling.

      1. Amadeo*

        Agreed. I just bought a new truck last August and I resent the entire process. I traded in my car, wrote the biggest check I’ve ever written in my life to date and sobbed halfway home in the new truck (can’t decide it if it was the check or leaving my old Mustang behind, we get weirdly attached to our cars in this family). I got a good deal, all things considered and even had one salesguy at a different dealership tell my brother I played hardball. I think I made Dad proud with that one. Even though ultimately all I ever one to do when I have to car buy is just get it over with!

    2. neverjaunty*

      That car isn’t driveable! If you’re still in contact with him, can you sell the car now? This isn’t something he can drag his feet on. It’s putting you IN DANGER.

      1. Victoria, Please*

        Thanks for the vote! I have my own car, so I’m fine. He is a major control freak who must explore every option to the bitter end so he really does have to do this himself. If I insist upon it then he will act. I’m planning to insist.

        Thanks for the tips about costco, y’all!

    3. Menacia*

      Not sure why, if it was tototaled, that it was patched up at all? Yes, definitely put your foot down, having a safe, reliable car is key!

  88. Mischa*

    A friend of mine tried to get me to sell Mary Kay while I was back in college. I said no, because I didn’t think I should have to give a company money for the privilege of selling their goods. She did not take that very well. We don’t talk anymore.

    Most recently, my best friend’s mom tried to get me to buy Rodin + Fields. I used that proativ stuff when I was a teenager and it was garbage, plus I disagree with MLMs for all the reasons you listed. Thankfully she took no gracefully and hasn’t brought it up again.

    1. Mischa*

      Sorry, this was meant to be a reply to Katie the Fed. My phone isn’t playing nicely with the website.

  89. Emma*

    I had a miscarriage about a year ago & have had difficulty getting pregnant since then. Finally decided to talk to the doctor about it, they did a blood test & found my prolactin level was too high. Now headed to the endocrinologist, but googling suggests maybe it will just be an easy medicine fix? We’ll see.

    I had sorta become used to the idea that we may not have kids, and had been thinking of dipping my toe into respite foster care within the next couple of years or so, so we’ll see what happens.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I have zero advice or experience in this area but I just wanted you to know you’ve been heard and that it’s understandable if it takes time to process all of this.

  90. The Other Dawn*

    How do I add a link to a picture here? When people get new kitties or something similar, I see they link to a picture, but it doesn’t appear to go to a photo website like Photo Bucket (not even sure what’s around anymore). I got two new kittens and wanted to link to a pic rather than always linking to my blog. That said, click my name if you want to see them. It’s the most recent post. Also, there’s another gardening challenge towards the end. Need to plant a shrub or tree.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I have an Imgur account and upload pics to that. You can then copy and paste the direct link, which will open just the picture without opening the site itself. When you click on the picture in your Imgur album, you’ll see a list of links off to the side and you can find the direct link there.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! It was such a mystery to me. I used to be very up on the latest tech/web stuff, but I find myself lagging behind more and more as I get older (I’m only 42).

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I really like Imgur for things like this because there is no indication about whose image that is, making it easy to post photos without giving up anonymity. It’s also fast and simple, perfect for situations like this.

      I also use the Imagus plugin for Chrome that will pop up any linked image if I hover on the link. It’s very convenient to be able to point to your links and see your kitty without having to leave the page!

  91. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

    What are people’s thoughts about shooting off fireworks in urban and suburban neighborhoods (individuals, not fireworks displays)? Theres a lot of it in my neighborhood, and it’s always a source of much debate on the local Facebook and Nextdoor groups.

      1. Sled Dog Mama*

        Yes, I remember one New Years where I was woken up at midnight by a 75lbs dog who decided that he was scared enough he wanted to be under the covers with me.

    2. Kristen*

      Last night I felt like such a curmudgeon, because I was trying to study and a neighbor kept lighting off fireworks. It was making me so angry. I suppose I don’t mind it when I’m not trying to sleep or study or when I don’t already have a headache.. As long as it falls only on the weekend of the 4th, I feel like I can’t let it bother me too much (especially since I like fireworks too and if I had some it would be me out there). Thankfully, in our neighborhood, it tends to die down around 10pm or so. I don’t have kids or pets btw, which if I did might make me more opposed to it.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I used to live in a semi-urban neighborhood. I was literally across the pond from a city known for a lot of crime, which meant my neighborhood was borderline unsafe. New Year’s and July 4th were big for fireworks and gunshots. I hated it, but I got used to it. Now that I’m in a much more suburban neighborhood, leaning towards “country,” I don’t mind it at all. It comes in small spurts and no one is shooting off M-80s, so it doesn’t bother me. I make sure my window AC units are turned on so the cats don’t really notice it. Actually, we usually head outside to see if we can see any of the fireworks. This year we plan on shooting some off, but they’re not the really loud ones that whistle or have big bangs.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Forgot to add that we no longer hear gunshots, so that’s nice. Used to make me really nervous. At least if I hear them in my current neighborhood, I know it’s hunters. My old neighborhood? It was likely someone committing a crime…

    4. Toph*

      It’s illegal to do so in my area. Some people still do. It’s a major fire hazard, which is why it’s banned. I don’t know why people still do it when they can’t control the fallout, are don’t have tools to check the wind. It’s just way too dangerous to be worth it. And that’s before even factoring in the noise nuisance and the driving local dogs nuts.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      People start doing it here a few days before the Fourth. Last night, there were some really loud ones–it sounded like they were using the big commercial fireworks. In summer, they do it at the ballpark and I can hear it from my house.

      There are plenty of fireworks displays to attend put on by a couple of churches, etc. that throw a big family event each year. But my neighborhood is always full of private displays too, even though you’re not supposed to shoot them off in town. I grew up in a house outside of my hometown and we always had an amateur display, with a cookout and friends. I’ll step out and look at them sometimes, if I can see over the trees. I don’t bother to attend the church ones. I don’t like the music and other activities that go with it.

    6. Temperance*

      I don’t mind it, but, full disclosure, I grew up in a rural area where we all lit off fireworks, so it’s normal to me. I’m on a quieter street now and some of my neighbors light them off, but we haven’t since moving in.

    7. Tris Prior*

      I hate it. It’s illegal here but everyone does it anyway.Until recently I lived in a very high-crime neighborhood and got to play “gunshots or fireworks” for a good month at this time of year, every year. The streets were full of haze, and the noise went on into the wee hours of the morning.

      My new neighborhood seems quieter. Fingers crossed that it stays that way.

    8. JulieBulie*

      I don’t like it because our houses are very close together, and I’m worried about something catching fire. I also don’t appreciate finding the leftover bits and pieces in my yard the next day.

    9. nep*

      Cannot stand it. Dreading the horrible noise and the trauma for animals and some people. Absolutely hate it.

    10. MechanicalPencil*

      Firmly against. People with PTSD can be triggered by it, not to mention I have dogs who hate it. To top it off, we haven’t had a ton of rain, so I’m always conscerned about fireworks landing on the roof and starting a fire. Some areas have places you can go to shoot off fireworks, and they take care of watching the ground down to prevent fires, etc.

    11. Panda Bandit*

      Hate it so much. They’re illegal here but that doesn’t stop anyone. Tons of people set them off in this neighborhood. The noise is non-stop until the early morning. The air gets all smoky and smelly, it scares the animals, the sidewalks and streets end up covered with debris, and it’s a fire hazard.

    12. Wendy Darling*

      Hate it. It traumatizes my pets and I grew up in a scrubby semi-desert so people kept setting accidental brush fires when I was growing up. They’re banned in my town, which doesn’t stop most people. My parents live in one of the only places in my area where fireworks are legal, so their house sounds like London in the blitz for 72 hours around the 4th. They have to give their giant anxious dog xanax every year.

    13. ..Kat..*

      It is dangerous. Given that many don’t know how to do it safely and that they mix fireworks with alcohol and children, it amazes me that more people aren’t injured. If these idiots only injured themselves or only set fire to their own houses, I would feel less strongly about it.

    14. New Bee*

      They are illegal in my entire county, and apparently nearby cops just seized like 2 tons of fireworks (professional-grade stuff being sold to regular people) in a bust the other day. I worry about people harming themselves and others, especially given the density of my particular area.

  92. Sled Dog Mama*

    Hubs and little musher just left on a dad/kids camping trip. They are meeting hubs college buddy and his three kids. Buddy’s wife is working on her dissertation and I am studying for a certification exam so we kicked the men and kids out.
    Little musher is a riot. She has a small stuffed wolf toy which looks like our sled dogs and if you call him a wolf she will tell you he’s a dog named Wolfie! Wolfie has gone with her camping but as we were packing up she decided that since mommy and daddy’s dogs ride in crates to keep them safe Wolfie needs a crate to keep him safe. So she pulled out her pop-up bug habitat, stuck him inside and said now he has crate to be safe.
    I know this is a stuffed toy but the loook on his face was so forlorn like why am I stuck in this thing? It was just adorable, and seeing her proudly carry Wolfie to the car in his crate was hilarious.

  93. StudentA*

    I need Netflix recommendations stat!

    I’ve seen:
    The People vs. OJ Simpson (loved it, could not get enough)
    Broadchurch (liked it)
    madmen (like the ad agency stuff, HATED the family crap and most of the relationship stuff)
    OITNB (love it)
    Oz (liked it a lot)
    House of Cards (loved seasons 1 and 2, just coasting through the rest)
    Wentworth (love it)
    Breaking Bad (loved it)
    Better Call Saul (like it)
    Stranger Things (like a lot of Stephen King and -ish stuff, loved the atmosphere, but the story was meh)
    The Killing (loved it)
    The Fall (ok to good)

    I could not get into:
    Sense8
    Black Mirror (but I am not intrigued by technology)
    American Horror Story (really wanted to like it)
    Bloodline (first season was good, having a hard time with the rest)
    Twin Peaks (I don’t get the obsession)

    There are more, but at least this gives you an idea

    1. Elizabeth West*

      If you’re into British stuff at all, especially comedy, watch Black Books. It’s about a surly misanthrope who runs a bookstore and his equally socially inept friend and employee. I laughed so hard I cried.

      3. Temperance*

        I had the opportunity to see Dylan Moran in the US during his last tour. I LOVE Black Books.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I feel the same as you about Bloodline beyond s1 and about Twin Peaks and Sense8…

      Have you seen Orphan Black? Don’t google – you’ll get spoilered!

    4. Felicia*

      Being Erica sounds like a show you may possibly like. Also Scandal. Mayyybe iZombie

    5. Overeducated*

      I have very similar dislikes so maybe I should check out some of your likes that I haven’t seen! I feel like I am the only person who doesn’t think Twin Peaks is amazing….

      I liked Fargo, watched the first season on DVD, and mostly liked Jessica Jones. Took me some time to get through them though, both get fairly grim so I had to take comedy breaks.

      1. StudentA*

        Oh cool! You’ll have to keep me posted on what you choose to watch and let me know what you think!

  94. Housemate ranting*

    Does anyone have a family member (or housemate, friend, etc.) who does that thing where they make up a timeline in their head and get disappointed when you don’t stick to it? Even/especially when the activity they’re making up a timeline for doesn’t involve them at all?

    Whenever I tell a certain family member that I’m going to do something with someone else (go out to lunch with a friend, go on a weekend trip, etc.), she makes up some fantasy of how long I’ll be gone. Going out to lunch? “Gee, I hope she stays away until 10pm!” Overnight trip? “Clearly she should be gone for a full 48 hours!” So then when I do come home after 2-3 hours for the lunch date or tell her in advance that the overnight trip will be about half the time she thought, she clearly becomes disappointed.

    It drives me crazy because her estimates are never based in reality, any information I told her, or my actual habits. And she always gets annoyed when I don’t stick to them! Socializing for me is draining enough; I don’t need the insecurity of knowing that even stepping way outside my comfort zone still isn’t enough for her. (And yes, for longer trips I do let her know in advance, but she’ll still make up a fantasy about me being gone far longer. Sometimes she’ll completely change the exact times I’ve told her–like leaving at noon to her means I should actually leave a few hours earlier.)

    I know you don’t want me around, but, geez, don’t have to be so obvious about it. :/

    I probably sound like a hermit, but the kicker is that I have a much bigger out-of-the-house schedule than she does. And no, we don’t interact much when I’m home, so we’re not necessarily bothering each other.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Some people have problems with time frames.
      The way I see it the most is, “Oh this will take 15 minutes to do” and clearly the project will take the rest of the day if not longer.

      Have you sat down with her to talk about this?
      Does she do this to anyone else?
      How is she at figuring her own time frames?

    2. neverjaunty*

      Have you been direct with her? “I’m going out to lunch with a friend. I’m not sure when I’ll get back, but you shouldn’t make plans under the the assumption that I will be gone until late.”

    3. Temperance*

      FWIW, my mother used to do this to me, but it was so she could later yell at me for taking too long at whatever activity. Of course a movie with friends should only take 2 hours, including travel time, so what was I doing with the extra hour? Why did I need to spend a whole night with friends instead of just an hour? Things like that.

    4. Lindsay J*

      My boyfriend was doing it for things involving me and I had to put my foot down about it. Like instead of telling me, “We have reservations for this restaurant at 5:30, and I’d like to get a drink beforehand so I’d like to leave the house by 4:15,” he would not tell me any of that, but then sulk when I didn’t get home from until 4:30.

      I had to tell him that I’m not a mindreader, and that if he wants me to be ready to leave the house at 4:15 then he needs to verbalize exactly that. Not plan it out in his head and not tell me. Not ask, “Hey, when do you think you’re going to be done with work today?” Not say that we have reservations at 5:30 but not mention that he hoped to do something before that. Explicitly outline his expectations with words. (I will note that this wasn’t something he did all the time, and him planning everything and me complying is not the way our relationship usually works. I think he thinks its romantic to surprise me with a date being all arranged without telling me the details beforehand. And it is. But telling me when he wants to leave the house isn’t ruining the magic.)

      I’m not sure what I’d do for someone who had these expectations for things that they weren’t involved in. Being explicit with times might help – “I’m going to lunch with a friend. I’ll be gone from 11am to around 2pm.” But then, that feels like it’s giving them more information that they are entitled to since there’s not really any good reason for them to need to have exact times you’ll be gone or back.

      Does she feel that she doesn’t get enough private time in the home in general or something? It might be easier to arrange or discuss a specific schedule (I will always be out of the house Thursday from 6-8pm because that is when I have choir practice) or her asking you if it would be possible for you to give her alone-time sometime on Friday so she can paint in the livingroom or whatever she wants to do. Get to the root of why she’s acting like this rather than take on this specific annoying behavior. But since you mention that you’re out of the home more often than she is anyway, this might not solve it either.

      It sounds like she might just be better off living without a r00mmate, which unfortunately isn’t her current situation so she needs to learn to deal with it without being annoying to you.

      That sounds really draining and frustrating, and I’m sorry you have to deal with it.

  95. Applesauced*

    I know the ven diagram of AAM readings and pet people is basically a circle, so here’s a PSA for everyone:

    If you have a pet, GET PET INSURANCE.
    My dog was hit by a car this week; he’s had surgery to repair a broken leg, spent two nights in the animal ER, and will be on meds for the next two weeks minimum.

    This all costs us nearly $8000. Pet insurance costs us $30 a month and will reimburse us about $5000. It’s totally worth it.

    1. Amadeo*

      What company are you using? I’m planning on researching hard core when I’m able to get the next dog.

      1. KR*

        Same – I was quoted something like 90$ a month for my 11 year old puppo. Cat was quoted something like 60$ a month at 6 years old (she’s 10 now). I just couldn’t justify the cost.

      2. Applesauced*

        ASPCA insurance – they don’t reimburse much for wellness/routine care (like up to $15 for a booster that a vet charges $30 for), but have been excellent for accident coverage.

      3. chickabiddy*

        Healthy Paws gets pretty good ratings from consumer review-type sites. You can choose reimbursement rates and deductibles so you have some control over the costs. I pay roughly $40/month for my two cats, but bought the insurance when they were kittens.

    3. neverjaunty*

      Thanks for this PSA and I hear this. One of our kitties developed a mysterious illness (and mysteriously recovered 72 hours later) to the tune of $5000.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I’m really torn on the pet insurance thing for my cats. Two reasons: I have a boatload of cats and pet insurance doesn’t cover dental, which is the most common, major-cost thing I deal with. It would cost me a lot each month and it seems to be little return. But I also didn’t research extensively either.

      1. MechanicalPencil*

        Same issue, just with dogs. And because I adopt older rescues, they’ve typically already aged out of the easy-to-cover pet insurance range. So usually the first year of adoption is “omg you want how much?!” and then each preventative year after that is much more manageable.

  96. Washer and drier*

    Hi all – do you have any recommendations for new washers and driers? We have a decent budget, but we don’t need all of the elaborate bells and whistles that come with many of the fancy versions. We want a reliable set that does the basics. Any thoughts?

    1. Beancounter Eric*

      Check the scratch & dent area at the retailer. Functionally perfect machines for a big discount.

    3. atexit8*

      Read up on the high-efficiency washers that are the “in” thing these days.
      Our washer broke and bought a HE one not knowing about HE washers.
      If I had to do it over again, I would have preferred to buy the non-HE washer.

    4. kewlm0m*

      When we replaced our last washer and dryer we bought a front loader high efficiency Maytag Neptune washer and dryer set. I would not recommend either. We did not find out until years after our purchase that it is necessary to leave the door open on the front loading washer when you’re not using it to avoid mildew. There is also a sharp piece of plastic that protrudes right where it is very easy to hit it with your hand right above your thumb if you’re tossing things into the washer. I actually found out that it was not just my machine that did this when I saw the same cut on a friend’s hand who has the same washer! The dryer is no better – the lint screen does not catch all of the lint and we actually had to rig something up with a drinking straw taped to a crevice tool on the vacuum cleaner to try to clean it out. Hope this helps.

    5. This Might Be Vodka*

      Me, too! When my washer died I didn’t want one smarter than me. I want to CHOOSE my water level, rinse type, and time of wash. Got one that I had to return because it was too smart. Finally found a SpeedQueen that is totally manual selection and has a stainless drum! Love it. About $600. One of my favorite purchases. :)

    6. Not So NewReader*

      My friend bought a top loader. It has extra large capacity. It’s like a side loader in that regard you can put double or triple loads in. There is no agitator (spindle thing in the middle of the load) this means less wear and tear on your clothes. It balances the load for you, if you did not quite balance it as you loaded and this helps the machine to last longer.
      I’ll find out the brand/model and post it tomorrow. I remember it cost him around $700. He is pretty random about taking care of the machine, okay, he doesn’t take care of it. It runs GRREAT. He is very happy with it.

      Being a tall person, he did not want a side loader because you have to bend over all the time. And with being a bigger person he has bigger clothes so the larger capacity is very helpful.
      One thing I would watch for is the opening where you put the clothes in. Another friend was kicking herself because she never noticed the tiny opening to load stuff in. She could not get her comforter into the machine without struggling for a while. And getting the comforter out was the same deal. I think she still goes to the laundry mat to wash her comforter.

      My own set here is a mismatch. I deliberately bought a very cheap dryer. I only use a dryer for about 20 minutes a week. It’s a Frigidaire, commercial, heavy duty. I can’t see where it would be commercial use or heavy duty but whatever. I have been very happy with it.

  97. Insert witty name here*

    I have two childhood friends, “Beth” and “Morgan”, whom I don’t talk to anymore. We used to be close, but drifted apart. The friendship became really toxic and I’m glad to not be in it anymore. Beth is engaged and soon to be married and Morgan is apparently (through social media) one of her bridesmaids. I find it odd because Morgan used to make fun of and bash Beth and wouldn’t even want to be in the same room as her. (I think she was jealous though because Beth was thin and very pretty and Morgan was a bit heavier, but has since lost weight. They’re both beautiful and smart women.)

    I’m happy for Beth because she had a really tough upbringing and has been through a lot, but I’m just confused about this friendship with Morgan.

    1. fposte*

      I think we tend to feel like relationships stay the same when we don’t see them, but in reality other people’s relationships change just as much as our own. Sounds like theirs might have been transforming to bring them closer together even as yours evolved to move you farther away.

    2. Panda Bandit*

      Morgan may have grown up, apologized, and turned into a real friend. People can change over the years.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      They must be getting something they each need out of the relationship. People can be jealous and still actually like another person. Maybe this was the case here. Maybe they had a heart-to-heart chat and found a new basis for their friendship.

  98. Aealias*

    I saw a thread a couple of weeks ago where people were talking kitty litter, and now I can’t track it down!

    I have an indoor/outdoor cat who fairly reeks from her mousing habit. The litter box is in my bedroom, and her smell has literally woken me up in the middle of the night when she uses it. I’ve been using World’s Finest multi-cat litter, but it just can’t seem to keep up, and my elderly cat hates it. Anyone have any suggestions for really good odour-killing litters available in Canada?

  99. Emily*

    I was reading a thread and someone mentioned a heated thread where the LW’s coworkers were angry she took time off for her baby’s surgery. I have searched and can not find it! Does anyone have a link?

  100. Jules the First*

    Feeling super proud – went trail riding this morning because it’s my birthday and my trail horse Bear got his freak on when we met some deer. Not only did I not fall off when he reared up on his hind legs and danced in circles, but I did not freak out at all! Not even a moment’s wobble in my heart rate!

    1. nep*

      Impressive. Well done. (What do you think helped you remain calm? Besides, I suppose, a love and respect for your horse.)

      1. Jules the First*

        I wish I knew! I think it was mostly a question of being too busy to panic – I was riding with a group, so we had a dozen horses in close quarters freaking out. I guess I need to remember to keep my focus on the horse in future to stay calm.

  101. nep*

    Our beloved cat has stopped eating in the past day or two. Ugh. I wonder whether it’s some kind of blockage as he had a couple years back. He doesn’t seem as bad as that time (yet, maybe). He at least licks some wet food I put down for him. Time to call the vet.

    1. fposte*

      Fingers crossed for an easy resolution for you both. Always nerve-racking when they’re off their feed.

  102. Regular posting anonymously*

    Ok so this is a little TMI and kind of gross IMO but I’ve been having UTI/yeast infections at least 4x this year! There’s no pain, only itching. I’ve been to my obgyn and urgent care and I get 1 pill and it’s gone. But it comes back after a few months.

    I’m in my 30s, healthier than ever, and never had these problems until this year. None of my habits have changed, I keep clean, and no new medications.

    I’m still searching for a new PCP but is there a specialist I should see right away instead? My insurance allows me to go without a referral. I know UC doesn’t investigate but my obgyn hasn’t said much as to why it keeps happening. Aside from seeing a specialist, any otc or at home stuff I can do? Change in routine diet etc?

    1. Undine*

      Obgyn is the usual person for this. There are some changes that can happen with menopause that make infections more common, but you seem young for that.

      Yeast infections you can buy antifungal stuff otc once you have symptoms. You can also consume probiotics, there are probiotic suppositories (expensive), and probiotic sprays, some of which claim to be “feminine”. The idea behind probiotics is that they replenish the good bacteria which then can out-compete the bad bacteria. I forget which strain is supposed to be best for yeast infections.

      Non-prescription, for UTIs, people use cranberry juice/pills and now d-mannose. Both of those only work for e coli (if at all). Cranberry juice has fallen out of favor. D-mannose is a sugar that prevents the e coli from adhering to the bladder wall. (About 90% of bladder infections are e coli.)

      I had a really bad UTI, with bladder cramps and bleeding, and then got recurring UTIs for a while after. (I kept getting different organisms, that needed different antibiotics, so it was a revolving door for a while.) I found someone who gave me methenamine hippurate, which turns to a low-level of formaldehyde in the bladder & kills off the bad guys. I’ve been taking it for about six months now, and no recurrence. (But don’t take it if you are allergic to formaldehyde obviously). It would not help with yeast infections.

    2. nep*

      Sorry you’re having to deal with this.
      Seemingly inexplicably (and for the first time in my life), I have had super intense vaginal itching on and off for months. Ob/gyn visit showed a pH imbalance, possible yeast. I prefer to attack things through better eating and other natural means if possible. (All the doctor prescribed was a medicated cream.) I’m older so it could be to do with pre-menopause. I find that when the itch is bad, esp at night, applying a mix of tea tree oil and coconut oil helps a lot.
      (It’s crazy — when it’s not there, it’s as if I don’t have a problem at all and can’t imagine the itching — but when it flares up, oh man is it bad.) I’ll be interested in other suggestions and in hearing how things go for you. All the best.

      1. nep*

        I started taking a pretty hefty pro-biotic as well to see what it might do. Tough really to gauge impact. I will say that when I went off it for a short time, the itch did seem to be a little more frequent.

      2. nep*

        Ugh. Obviously was not meant to be a new thread. Response to Regular posting anonymously.

    3. fposte*

      Have they confirmed yeast under a microscope every time? If that’s not happening, that needs to happen, because itching can be things other than yeast.

      Sometimes things just change, and recurrent yeast infections are pretty common, so this isn’t an indication of anything sinister. They can give you a once-a-month antifungal to fend off beasties for a while if you’re interested in trying that.

      1. fposte*

        Additionally I’ll note that the more you can go commando the better, whether we’re talking yeast or BV. Maybe bail on the nighttime underpants for a while.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Yes to getting yeast infection confirmed. Is it external or internal itching? That’s an important distinction. I was getting pretty intense external itching for awhile and was prescribed clotrimazole and betamethasone dipropionate cream (I think they call it lortrisone for the brand name). It’s a combo of anti-fungal and strong corticosteroid. It’s absolutely fabulous stuff. My ob-gyn gives me three refills a year and I use it in those few days after my period is gone, which is when I get intense itching.

        And YES YES YES to going without underwear at night. Also, if you wear pantyhose, don’t wear underwear with them. My ob-gyn told me when I was 18 (I’m 42 now) to go without in those two instances, but to also go without as much as practically possible and let things breathe down there. I have to say, when I had to wear underwear to bed while recovering from my tummy tuck, I had a lot of external itching and was using the cream a lot. Now that I’m healed, I sleep without underwear and don’t get itchy anymore; I see a definite connection in my case.

    4. Observer*

      Try a urologist. Better, if you can find one, is a uro-gynecologist, but they can be hard to find.

      One thing to try, while you look for someone good – A cup of cranberry juice every day. Not the “cranberry juice cocktails” that have more sugar and other juices than cranberry juice, but the real thing. Depending on what the problem is, it can be very helpful. And, unless you have an ulcer or reflux, it’s safe.

      1. Epiphyta*

        Seconding this; the American Urogynecological Society has a “find a provider” page here. I’m going through menopause and needed to consult one a couple of years ago, and it really helped.

    5. nep*

      My doctor also emphasised the importance of drying down there very thoroughly after showering/bathing.

      1. Regular posting anonymously*

        I am diabetic. My A1c is high (8) but it used to be 11-15 in previous years, that’s why I’m not sure why the diabetes could be causing it? I’ve had weeks where my sugar was high (150 fasting) but I didn’t get this intense itching

    7. Anon for this*

      I was advised by my pharmacist a couple of years ago to take cranberry capsules prophylactically to prevent UTI. They mostly work for me and have cut the frequency way down to only once in a year or two. It is advisable to take the cranberry capsules with food because otherwise it can cause stomach upset. Also don’t take more than the recommended amount – doing so can cause stomach pain and diarrhea. FWIW, the last time I had a check-up my doctor mentioned something called “colonization” which you might want to read up on. In my case it basically means that I will always test positive for a UTI whether or not I’m symptomatic because the bacteria that cause it have become colonized in my system.

    8. ..Kat..*

      Do you wear thong underwear? They drastically increase a woman’s risk of getting UTIs.

    9. Regular posting anonymously*

      I’m freaking out that it could be a sign of menopause, I’m 30 w no kids and TTC! :-(

      I’m emailing my gyno today. Thanks all!

  103. Somebody that I used to know*

    I just wanted to thank you for the book recommendation. I read it yesterday and really enjoyed it, especially the math parts.

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