weekend free-for-all – July 15-16, 2017

by Alison Green on July 15, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Do Not Become Alarmed, by Maile Meloy. Four children will disappear on a cruise, and you will stay up all night to find out what happens.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Caro in the UK*

    The gluten free letter writer from earlier this week reminded me of something that I’ve been wanting to ask some people, but didn’t know who to ask. I figure you guys might be able to help!

    My stepmother is gluten free. She’s not celiac or allergic to wheat, and she can (and does occasionally) eat it, but it makes her feel ill. So it’s probably closer to the intollerance end of the spectrum rather than an allergy.

    However, something came up recently that confused me. She and my Dad love to travel; they’re both retired and go on several trips round Europe every year (they’re born again bikers!) When I was visiting after they got back from their last trip, they were telling me about all of the amazing food they’d had and my Stepmother was raving about all the amazing croissants and bread she’d eaten in France.

    At this point, I kind of did a double take and said something along the lines of “but I thought you were gluten free?” My Dad replied that the gluten in Europe doesn’t affect her, it’s only the stuff in the UK that makes her ill.. Apparently she can (and does!) eat pizza, pasta, bread, croissants and cake in Europe for pretty much every meal. But when she’s at home in England, even a serving of salad dressing with gluten in it makes her sick.

    I was a bit flabbergasted at this and didn’t really know what to say, so I just nodded and the conversation moved on.

    But I wanted to know, Is this a real thing? Is the gluten in different countries different? I’ve got to be honest, I’m pretty skeptical, but if anyone else has encountered this then I’d be really interested to hear about it.

    1. self employed*

      I’ve heard that about US wheat. I think it could be attributed to the genetic modifications/breeding in lost commercial wheat but I’m not an expert. It does appear to be a real phenomenon though!

        1. Saturnalia*

          I have also heard this from a lady from Spain. I… require more data before opining.

        3. Rachel in Minneapolis*

          I don’t know about European versus American wheat however I know personally I am sensitive to non organic wheat. Most wheat crops in the US are sprayed with Roundup (glyphosate) at least once in their production and often near Harvest to help them ripen. I have a bad reaction to that wheat (nearing Celiac levels of symptoms).

          However when I eat organic wheat products, I have no reactions. Perhaps when she is traveling the wheat is not sprayed with glyphosate.

            1. Labguy*

              I think you should specify that you mean soil half-life, I work with glyphosate and I have clear jars full of the stuff that is years old and still has the same concentration.

      3. Sunny*

        US wheat is not genetically modified. (it is bred, but is not a GMO).

        We do have GMO corn, soy, and a handful of other products that make up a huge amount of our crops, but wheat is not one of them.

        2. Mephyle*

          Wheat hasn’t been genetically modified by GMO techniques, but it has been modified by breeding ever since humans first started eating and planting the wild grasses that eventually became today’s wheat. And it has been modified by breeding much more in recent decades since the start of the agricultural revolution.
          So it’s possible that some of those modifications could have heightened the content or composition of certain elements (gluten and others) that people are differentially sensitive too. And it’s possible that the wheat in different regions of the world contains different mixes of these elements.

          1. Mike C.*

            What do you mean that it’s been altered more in recent years than in the 10,000 years or so that agriculture has been around? Given the massive changes to get domesticated wheat in the first place, how can minor tweaks in past few decades be more drastic than full domestication?

              1. Mike C.*

                Domestication is a much greater genetic shift than the slight improvement seen in the past few decades. GMO techniques are even smaller changes, genetically speaking.

      4. JamieS*

        IIRC American wheat is usually hard wheat whereas European wheat is soft wheat. Hard wheat had more gluten content so people who are gluten sensitive have more trouble with it. I don’t think it makes a difference with people who are allergic though. To them gluten is gluten.

        1. Windchime*

          My friend from Russia has the same problem. Eating bread or other gluten-y things here gives her terrible sneezing fits, so hers is some kind of allergy. But when she is in Europe, she can eat whatever she wants. She buys imported flour for baking at home.

      5. neverjaunty*

        That doesn’t make any sense. Europe is not a pristine land where nobody has ever done any selective breeding of wheat plants.

    2. Parenthetically*

      There is a whooooole theory about the types of pesticides/herbicides used (glyphosates, I think) in different countries, and gmo (sprayed with those chemicals) vs. non-gmo (not able to be sprayed with those chemicals), and how that all interacts with grain sensitivities — that perhaps people who think they’re sensitive to gluten are actually reacting to the pesticides/herbicides sprayed on modern GMO grain.. It’s anecdotally fairly common.

      1. Caro in the UK*

        Hmmm, I’ll mention that to her. She might be able to get some non-GMO, organic stuff over here to do a test with.

        1. Thursday Next*

          As also noted above, there are NO commercially available GMO wheat crops, so it is impossible for anyone to be sensitive to GMO grain. Monsanto did develop a GMO wheat (early 2000s), but it was never brought to market.

          1. TL -*

            And organic and non organic stuff hit the market with the same amount of residue pesticides on them – very little.

            1. Thursday Next*

              Yes. This isnt to say that there aren’t different varieties of wheat that have different amounts gluten etc that folks may respond differently to but it’s not due to GMOs. And the vast majority of what we eat (plant and animal) has been selectively bred to the extent that few things are similar to their wild relatives.

            2. Rachel in Minneapolis*

              I’ve seen data to suggest the opposite. The wheat tested by the University of Minnesota after the spraying of Roundup near Harvest had significant herbicide residue in the flour.

              1. Mike C.*

                The data isn’t conclusive at all. Other studies have found halflives as short as 2-3 days depending on field conditions. Without actually doing any causal studies, it’s little more than speculation to blame one specific thing for “gluten sensitivity” when there are so many other things that could explain the symptioms.

    3. fposte*

      The other thing is that there are a lot of things in wheat, and gluten isn’t the only known digestive problem but it’s one people leap to because it’s what they know about. People are often intolerant to inulin, for instance, but inulin hasn’t gotten the bad press gluten has (coming soon to clickbait near you!).

      And without remotely suggesting that this is made up, food reactions are hugely psychologically influenced. There’s the famous gluten study where people who believed they consumed gluten but didn’t still reported having symptoms. With my Crohn’s, I can eat stuff at home that I can’t when traveling (sort of the reverse of your stepmom). So I think one possibility also isn’t that the wheat is different but that she believed the wheat was different.

      1. Caro in the UK*

        Yeah, even if there’s not a physical difference, I don’t think she’s making it up. I was guessing it might be psychosomatic.

        1. fposte*

          It’s a legit term, but I’d love a contemporary replacement for “psychosomatic.” It’s got such close associations to hysterical manifestations, etc. Stress diarrhea is pretty common, and most of the time people don’t say that’s psychosomatic, even though it’s following similar channels. I mean, it’s perfectly true to say that wheat sometimes gives her GI stress; it’s just that it might not be the ingredients in the wheat irritating her gut. It reminds me of the research on some people with scent sensitivities whose reactions are identical to anxiety reactions, not asthmatic or allergic respiratory distress.

          Basically, brains are trouble.

          2. Caro in the UK*

            Sorry, didn’t realise the issues with the term. Is there a better one I can use instead?

            1. fposte*

              Oh, no, I wasn’t meaning to correct you; it’s a perfectly accurate word. It was just making me think about how weird we are about brains and bodies, and how our understanding and uses are continually changing.

          3. Artemesia*

            But stress diarrhea or ulcers or whatever ARE psychosomatic; that is what it means. It doesn’t mean the person isn’t sick; it means the illness is caused by psychological rather than physiological processes.

            1. fposte*

              Wikipedia nicely sums up what I was getting at here: “In the field of psychosomatic medicine, the phrase ‘psychosomatic illness’ is used more narrowly than it is within the general population. For example, in lay language, the term often encompasses illnesses with no physical basis at all, and even illnesses that are faked (malingering). In contrast, in contemporary psychosomatic medicine, the term is normally restricted to those illnesses that do have a clear physical basis, but where it is believed that psychological and mental factors also play a role.”

      2. katamia*

        Yep. Growing up I thought I was allergic to a certain food, to the point where my throat would close up if I ate it. Then I got bored one day as a teenager and wound up reading the ingredients of both the cereal I’d eaten as a kid/sometimes as a teenager and the granola bars I was currently addicted to. Both of them had that food in it, and neither one of them had ever made my throat close up.

        1. fposte*

          Were you able to eat that food again when you realized that, or was the association too deeply wired?

          I had a friend who had a bad dream about a chicken sandwich that made her sick, and she couldn’t eat chicken sandwiches after that. We have a lot of evolution poured into evading dangerous food, so I think that’s just a hard bell to unring.

          1. katamia*

            Yeah, I was. I doubt I’m ever going to seek out or crave this particular food, but for awhile I went out of my way to order dishes containing this food at restaurants (it’s not common in any of the cuisines I cook), and when I’d feel a twinge of “throat closing up,” I’d just mentally tell myself, “Nope, it’s fine. You’re not allergic. Get over it.” And then eventually it stopped happening.

          2. Artemesia*

            One of the ways we protect ourselves is that when we get sick following eating something our brain associates that with illness and makes aversive to it. It is a big problem with chemo; I read of a pediatric oncologist who gave kids maple ice cream before chemo so they would develop an aversion to this easily avoidable flavor rather than the cheerios or scrambled eggs they had for breakfast. I have a once favorite recipe that I got sick after eating 20 years ago; I am pretty sure the food had nothing to do with getting sick but the thought of eating it still makes me flinch. I have never eaten it since. My husband got food poisoning from one of those fancy salad composees in Paris and has never been able to eat one again. This is apparently an evolutionary characteristic we developed to avoid being poisoned by the things we ate during our hunter gatherer days.

            1. Wendy Darling*

              oh man I would so want to pick the food I gave myself an intentional version to so I could pick something I need to stop consuming (like cola) or already don’t care for (like fake strawberry flavor). I love maple. I’d be so sad if I developed a massive aversion to maple.

            2. Elizabeth West*

              Yeah, this absolutely happened to an ex of mine. He got sick shortly after eating a particular variety of bagel and could not touch them again afterward.

            3. Natalie*

              Yes, I haven’t been able to eat root beer or fruit flavored chocolates since a memorable “stomach flu” weekend I had in childhood.

            5. Gaia*

              Yes. I once got food poisoning from chicken. I could not eat it for months after – and I still cannot eat chicken in the way it was prepared that day.

            6. only acting normal*

              It was bananas and custard for me one time, and sausage and mashed potato another time. Haven’t had bananas and custard for nearly 20 years! But I had to get over the sausage and mash one because it’s my husband’s favourite.
              Plus I can’t bear cream soda because I used to be given it whenever I was sick as a kid (with a spoon of sugar to take the fizz out, to rehydrate me I think…)

        2. SusanIvanova*

          When my brother was about 7 or 8 he sat down in front of the TV one afternoon with a half box of Raisin Bran to snack on and polished it off. Half a box of bran is not going to do you any good, but he was convinced for years afterward that he was allergic to raisins.

        3. Elizabeth*

          I had a coworker years ago who had celiac and IBS. The night she first had really bad symptoms, she had also eaten lobster. She could not bear to eat lobster ever again, even though she *knew* it was the disease that had made her sick, not the lobster.

          1. Tau*

            Food poisoning can have this effect. I got food poisoning or at least severe GI distress off some part-baked rolls which had gone off, and for years afterwards I couldn’t eat part-baked rolls despite the fact that I knew it was 100% my own fault for not checking the best-before date and nothing to do with the foodstuff itself. I figured that it was probably beneficial in the (evolutionary) past for the brain to try to work out which food was responsible for a “poisoning” and ensure you won’t eat it again, annoying as it proved in this circumstance.

            2. NoMoreFirstTimeCommenter*

              It doesn’t have to be a food poisoning. It can be a stomach flu you get from another person, not food. Still the last food you ate before it can make you feel ill for years afterwards. I’ve had this effect for rice porridge and pineapples, for example.

              This whole discussion is really weird to me as I’ve never heard about differences in wheat in different countries. In Finland it’s milk! There are people who can only drink milk abroad, but I haven’t come across such claims about wheat. And if I remember correctly, the milk thing has been studied and the subjects couldn’t tell the difference in a double blind study.

              For me the organic thing is the other way round! I have wheat allergy so I can eat gluten free oats and most “normal” oats made by big companies, but not organic oats. The organic stuff is probebly made by smaller companies who process smaller amounts of different grains so the risk of contamination is more real.

        4. Sylvia*

          When you thought you were allergic to that food, what happened if you knowingly ate it? Did you feel like your throat was closing? Or did you successfully avoid it?

          I was told that I had an allergy as a kid. I actually don’t. I can safely use the thing I’m “allergic” to, but I get itchy if I think about it. These things are weird!

          1. katamia*

            When I thought I was allergic my throat would close up if I knew I was eating it. My parents never believed I was allergic (I know normally this would be a bad sign, but, well, I’m not allergic so I’m not mad–I know if they thought it was a genuine allergy they would have taken me to a doctor and gotten it sorted out ASAP), and sometimes I’d eat it to try to “prove” I was allergic, and my throat would start to close up (never enough to be life-threatening).

      3. neverjaunty*

        This is absolutely true – like the way that if you eat a food when you’re violently ill you may feel sick smelling or tasting that food ever again, and it’s a real reaction even though it isn’t an allergy or sensitivity.

        That said, my money is on Stepmom wanting to eat delicious French pastry and coming up with a reason to do so.

        1. Wendy Darling*

          I get terrible, terrible motion sickness. Things that make my motion sickness worse include sitting in the back seat of a car, stop and go traffic, and cars with manual transmissions (that slight lurch back you get sometimes in a stick just makes my stomach flip over).

          One day I put on a brand new perfume I’d gotten a much-sought-after sample of and went out with some friends. We all piled into my buddy’s super low two-door stick shift sports car and went off to get dinner, but got stuck in horrific bumper to bumper traffic so instead of 20 minutes it took us over an hour to get there, and I was smelling this perfume the entire time, struggling not to throw up in someone’s lap.

          To this day if I smell that perfume I instantly become incredibly nauseous. I threw the sample away in the outside trash can and washed my hands afterwards. I have the same reaction to new car smell and AM news radio from riding in my dad’s ’89 Thunderbird, which had lousy visibility out the back windows and suspension like a riverboat.

    4. Wheat thoughts*

      Not a wheat expert here, but I do know that there are some fairly significant differences between different types of wheat. Wheat varies from diploid (two of each chromosome, like humans) to hexaploid (six of each chromosome). If I recall correctly, the wheats with larger ploidy tend to have larger fruit so those are the ones that are most popularly grown. However there are still many different varieties and they have different uses/are popular in different areas.

      I’ve definitely heard of people who could eat European wheat but not American before and I remember hearing something about how Italian pasta (or bread maybe?) was made with a lower ploidy wheat than American stuff so it had less gluten. Wikipedia tells me that most of the varieties popular in America are high protein/gluten but doesn’t give a comparison to Europe although it does say that hybrid varieties have done well in France. I would guess that generally wheat in America (and maybe the UK too based on your comment) has been bred specifically for high protein/gluten because gluten is actually great for adding stickiness/thickness to foods. Of course if you are sensitive to it then you wouldn’t appreciate that!

      This came as a surprise to me but as far as I can tell there isn’t ANY genetically engineered wheat that has been approved for commercial use. There have definitely been field trials but I’m not seeing any actually released varieties. I was going to say that people who noticed a difference between eating GM/non GM wheat may have a sensitivity to glyphosphate/Roundup, which is the pesticide that it is typically modified to be immune to, but I guess that doesn’t apply in this case!

      1. Artemesia*

        French flour is definitely different. The reason their baguettes are so great is that they are made from different four; it is hard to get here and I have never found good bread in the US to compare with what we easily get in France. Even good ethnic bakeries here — French, Italian etc don’t quite manage to make it as good.

    5. MommyMD*

      Those who suffer from Celiac disease truly cannot tolerate gluten. It also may cause the fairly rare food allergy. Otherwise it’s the fad of the decade and in a few years we will move to something else. It’s the middle and upper classes who “suffer” from these fads of the day as those struggling to put food on the table don’t have money or time to be trendy. I’ve been practicing medicine 20 years and have seen them come and go. Your MIL is selectively gluten intolerant.

        1. fposte*

          If you look at this kind of thing historically and globally, though, people are always getting sick or afraid of getting sick in ways that don’t make sense to other eras or places. This is just a current flavor.

          1. Elinor*

            Some of it is because the testing for celiac is better now. There is a simple blood test. It’s not the definitive diagnostic tool but it is a start. I have celiac and read not long ago that doctors believe only a third of people who have it have been diagnosed.

            1. fposte*

              I think we’re talking about people who don’t have celiac disease but still seem to have trouble with wheat products sometimes. The actual tested celiac rates seem pretty constant from country to country, for instance, but the rates of people who feel they have problems with gluten don’t.

        3. Sylvia*

          Puritanical tendencies + misinformation about health and science = socially acceptable superstitions about common food items and health care?

      2. Quickbeam*

        Celiac disease is a pretty awful thing and diet can be life altering and life saving. Half my yoga class avoiding gluten for some hazy reason? Not the same, absolutely.

      3. Mallory Janis Ian*

        It’s the middle and upper classes who “suffer” from these fads of the day as those struggling to put food on the table don’t have money or time to be trendy. I’ve been practicing medicine 20 years and have seen them come and go. Your MIL is selectively gluten intolerant.

        I feel like this perfectly describes the SIL about whom I’ve complained here several times. She says she’s gluten intolerant, but she goes “off the wagon” whenever she wants to. However, she’s always “on the wagon” when invited to my house for a meal and I always have to prepare a gluten-free accommodation for her. I always do it, but I give her serious side-eye for making other people coddle her when it isn’t even a thing that she does consistently for herself.

      4. Gaia*

        I feel it is worth reminding that it is not only the middle and upper classes who suffer from celiac but it appears more often there because those in poverty cannot afford to avoid cheap gluten based foods and, therefore, suffer with it.

        1. Nye*

          I think MommyMD explicitly excluded celiac sufferers from her comment on social strata – it’s the (often self-diagnosed) “gluten intolerance” fad that’s much more common in the upper and middle classes.

    6. CityMouse*

      I’ve mentioned before that I have a friend with celiac and, for her, gluten is gluten. She spent a year in Spain and still got sick from some accidental exposure. Based on that I don’t think so.

      I actually have some digestive issues that I was completely convinced was lactose intolerance for a while. It made sense, I ate a lot of dairy, my mom is lactose intolerant, and I had some digestive issues. The whole “most obvious solutions”. But nope, I tested negative for it but did test positive for another problem. For something like wheat that is in anything (like dairy was for me) it’s easy to try to correlate symptoms, but it’s not correct. What made me better was seeing a doctor and getting proper testing done and medical treatment, and I would recommend it for everyone. I was sicker longer because I was convinced it had to be the obvious solution.

    7. JamieS*

      Has she been medically diagnosed as gluten intolerant or just knows she gets some if she has too much grains at home? If she hasn’t been diagnosed my theory, which is backed up by nothing other than personal observation, is that she’s either reacting to something else in the food and is incorrectly attributing it to gluten or it’s basically the placebo effect where she thinks certain food will make her ill so she feels sick after eating it.

      I could be wrong but I don’t think gluten itself varies as in if you extract gluten from a French roll and a British one the gluten would be the same. However the amount of gluten in food can vary which can also explain her reaction if UK food had more gluten. I still wouldn’t expect her to be able to eat a lot of grain product though.

      Also I thought the UK was in Europe? Do you guys not consider yourself European? I know that’s not your question but I found that interesting.

      1. Caro in the UK*

        To my knowledge she hasn’t been diagnosed. Her best friend has been, and because my Stepmum had been feeling a bit lacklustre for a while, she decided to try going gluten-free too. She feels like it’s really made a difference and now she feels unwell and gets digestive issues if she does eat it (in the UK at least).

        For the UK/Europe thing… I definitely feel European too, very much so! (Brexit still makes me incredibly sad and angry) I think I just wrote it as the easiest way to say “non-UK Europe”. I think the correct term is Continental Europe, but I forgot to type that out!

        1. JamieS*

          So your stepmom had been able to eat gluten then cut it out for a bit and now gets sick when she eats too much? It sounds like her body may have just become accustomed to not having gluten so now she gets sick when she has foods high in gluten. Based on this new info I’m going to say UK foods probably have higher gluten content than other parts of Europe. Something I find rather surprising but makes most sense from what you’ve said.

          As an aside, I’d wager if she made a point of eating gluten she’d probably be able to readjust her body to having gluten at home. Course she’d want to start off small and see a doctor to rule anything else out first. Obviously wouldn’t want to do anything based on the advice of someone with zero medical expertise.

          1. Mallory Janis Ian*

            Yes, my husband and I were vegan for a year, and the first time we ate pizza afterward, we thought it was never, ever, ever going to digest. I guess after a year of no dairy nor high-fat items, our bodies had quit producing the necessary enzymes.

    8. Piano Girl*

      My sister-in-law can eat bread in Europe but not here. I believe it’s because of the different kinds of wheats used.

      1. GraceW*

        Except thr US is one of the top exporters of wheat and Italy is the top importer of wheat.

    9. TootsNYC*

      yes, it can be different. Different strains of wheat might be bred (or altered) to have a higher proportion of certain proteins. Or might be processed differently.

      Lucky for her!

    10. AlaskaKT*

      I actually read a study on this, and tested it with my celiac friend. Lots of places dough is allowed to double rise, but in places like Italy and France, it’s more like the dough is allowed to set for 3+ days before being cooked. This allows gluten to break down farther so people with intolerance don’t get sick.

      I left dough in the fridge for 3 days before making a sourdough loaf, and my friend with celiacs tried it. She was mildly I’ll, but nothing like how horribly sick she would have been had I made it fresh.

      There was an article (in Slate maybe?) about this kind of thing. I can’t find it now, but it’s a good read if you can Google around enough.

    11. Book Lover*

      Like, I think, MommyMD, I am incredibly tired of people diagnosing themselves as allergic or intolerant to gluten. I feel like I am quite capable of diagnosing celiac sprue, between screening labs, genetic markers, and biopsies.

      I focus on taking deep breaths and asking myself why I care if they are making their lives harder…. it does frustrate me when I see people who are ‘sugar’ free, dairy free, gluten free and coming to me because they still have symptoms and not putting together that it is because their symptoms are not really diet associated. Though I do feel a low fodmap diet helps with some. In the end, people are just doing what they can to feel well and be healthy and I have to investigate within myself why I feel so irritated by it. Maybe because I am a carbaholic :)

      Anyway, anyone with celiac would absolutely not be eating wheat from any source or country. Just because they don’t feel ill at the time doesn’t mean it is not hurting them. Anyone else should do whatever they want.

      1. Mike C.*

        What bothers me is that these folks are spreading bad scientific information – when they find out they’re wrong, then all the blame goes to the scientific researchers whose work in the future is then mistrusted and disregarded. You see the very same issue with regards to the terrible reporting on scientific topics in general.

          1. Mike C.*

            Whether or not I personally read high quality sources for scientific news has very little to do with the sheer amount of bad scientific reporting out there. For every Nature there are hundreds of local news stations filled with non-experts reporting on the latest study for 3 minutes before going to the next house fire or traffic accident.

    12. Lindrine*

      One of my friend just had blood drawn for an extensive allergy test. It turns out it is not a problem with gluten exactly, she has actual allergies to brewers yeast and baker’s yeast and different types of grains. Wheat is not “red” but in the orange range for her. She is also mildly allergic to gluten. Moderately allergic to most nuts.

      1. Book Lover*

        Yes, that sounds like IgG testing which is not known to be accurate. IgE testing is sensitive but not specific, can be helpful in the setting of actual allergy symptoms (hives, angioedema, anaphylaxis), same with scratch testing. IgG testing appears to be essentially worthless at this time, based on our allergists, who generally know what they are talking about. It is usually naturopaths and sometimes family docs who order IgG testing. IgE and scratch testing isn’t green/yellow/red but normal or abnormal response.

    13. TL -*

      Is she more active on vacation? If she’s walking around a lot more, than her digestive system might just do better overall and she might just be more comfortable eating anything and have less time to focus on how she feels after she eats.

    14. Jules the First*

      My money is on a soy allergy. A lot of bread in the UK is ‘fortified’ with soy protein or soy flour and no one trumpets it. French bread is almost never anything but ‘pure’ wheat. It would be easy to confuse a soy allergy with a gluten intolerance because lots of things that have gluten (salad dressings, breads, gravy, soup, etc) often also have soy. The other possible option is a preservative allergy; the French are very picky about the preservatives they allow in their flour.

      The gluten in French bread is no different than the gluten in British bread; if she can eat the croissants in France, she can eat the croissants in Britain.

      1. INTP*

        This is a good point. It would also explain reactions to things like salad dressing which at the most would have a teeny bit of gluten from a soy sauce or barley syrup or other additive, but might be chock full of soybean oil, lecithin, etc.

    15. INTP*

      This sounds unlikely to me. I’m not saying she is lying, but something else is probably going on, like the reduced stress or healthier lifestyle they have on vacation makes her digestive system less reactive, or she’s allergic to a particular strain of wheat or additive in baked goods in the U.K.

      Different species of wheat do have different gluten contents, and different flours (even within the same country) may be produced with different blends of wheats. However, the difference is not drastic enough to explain why bread and pastries in one country are fine but the minuscule amounts in something like salad dressing are problematic in another. The total gluten content can’t be the full explanation. (Bread is high gluten wherever you are, that’s the whole point of kneading it.)

    16. Cafe au Lait*

      It might be the different between artisan made breads versus commerical made breads. Artisan breads use the “slow yeast” method. Basically they take a tiny bit of yeast, like 1/8th or 1/4er of a teaspoon to help the bread rise. The bread making process takes four times longer than commercial breads, but often people can sense a difference in their guts. Commercially made breads use a ton of yeast to help the bread rise quicker and get out to the shelves faster.

    2. Wendy Darling*

      You did not mean me but I do have a pig head story!

      I took a pork butchery class back in October and the day before halloween was the day we skinned the pig head. There was a candy-making class for children in the next classroom over and we had a giggle about scaring the bejeebus out of them with our pig-head-skin before affirming that we would never in fact do any such thing. We did, however, accidentally traumatize a parent who almost came into the wrong classroom because our teacher was at that time waving a skinned pig’s head around.

      We also had an extended discussion about what you can do with a pig snout, none of which I remember because it turns out the one and only thing that totally grosses me out about butchery is, uh, eyelids. *shudder* So I was busy looking at and trying not to look at the eyelids.

      Also pork cheeks are delicious, if you get the chance definitely eat them.

  3. Liz*

    Hello all,
    Just wanted to say thanks for all I have learned here!
    Also, movie you think is over rated (ie you hated it and everyone loved it). Mine in the reply

    1. Liz*

      The Notebook. Husband wanted to see it (we are so gender reversed in our movie and TV watching!). I HATED it.

      1. Courtney W*

        I’m with you. I completely do not get the appeal of The Notebook. (Although there is one book/movie by Nicholas Sparks that I like, as people often guess based on my son’s name, haha.)

            1. Elizabeth West*

              AHHHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA OMG THAT WAS HILARIOUS

              Re the author’s beef with Love, Actually–I actually like that movie. It’s the only rom-com I can stand. I like it because even though some of it is mega-stupid (Mark’s obsession with Juliet and his stupid f*cking signs, for example), it shows different kinds of love (familial, carnal, friendship) and how it doesn’t always end well for everybody.

              1. JapanAnna*

                Aw I have to admit I do like some of the stories on “Love Actually.” (NOT THAT SIGNS GUY tho!!) But I still enjoy that takedown too.

    2. Emmie*

      Not sure about moves, but I have songs – Pour Some Sugar on Me, Def Leopard; The Cat Came Back, Nursery Rhyme; Celine’s Titanic song, but only because I’ve heard it too much.

        2. Mallory Janis Ian*

          I wouldn’t watch Titanic for the longest time after it came out; I was already sick of it from sheer overexposure — it was all anyone was talking about at the time. Not to mention that the movie is LONG and I have commitment phobia regarding long movies (I nearly died from how long that one Batman movie was).

          Then I found a two-VHS set at a yard sale for $1, and it seemed like a low-stakes entry into finally watching Titanic. I could watch it in bits over several days, and it only cost $1.

          Well, my husband and I started the movie and watched both VHS tapes all the way through in one sitting. I liked it. I’m aware of the plot holes, etc. that critics cite, but I can always suspend disbelief enough to not be bothered of the movie is otherwise up my alley.

      2. Chaordic One*

        When Titanic came out my then teen-aged niece immediately fell in love with it, with Leonardo DiCaprio, with the theme song and with Celine Dion. Every time I visited my sister that damn song was on and it drove me up the wall. Then I heard the doo-wop cover versions by Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox, which I really rather like. There are versions with a guy group, with a girl group and various mixed combinations. Here are links to the guy group and girl group versions on YouTube:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmNiQw7P8YI

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZQodZXSdyw

        1. Marzipan*

          *I* like Star Trek: The Motion Picture. There. I’ve said it. It’s so beige and ponderous, and Spock is so gloriously unconcerned with following any sort of rules or procedures (really, he’d be a terrible employee).

      1. Thinking out loud*

        Ditto. And my husband grew up in Fargo, so people ask me about the movie on a pretty regular basis. (I tell them that it is mostly set in Minnesota, actually, which sometimes shuts them up.)

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Shrek 3 and Spy Kids 3. In both cases I thought the 1s were fun and the 2s even better and the 3s abysmal; critics assured me I was wrong.

      Borat. I really expected to love it, as did my husband, and we sat stony-faced thinking “These seem like nice people trying to defuse things while an asshole tries to get a reaction from them.”

      1. the gold digger*

        Yeah, I liked the (very few) parts where he punched up instead of punching down. But the rest? People were just trying to be gracious and nice to him, even though he was being a jerk.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          If you like him when he punches up, you should check out the Ali G Show, his earlier TV show, where he messed with Newt Gingrich and loads of other politicians, both American and British. (There’s also one where he tries to sell his invention of an ice cream glove to Donald Trump, who gets very angry.)

              1. fposte*

                How did I not hear this one before–that is hilarious. (And a fine entry in the very narrow category of UN secretary name jokes.)

          1. Merci Dee*

            I love Mad World, it’s a gorgeous song. Weird thing is, I really prefer the Gary Jules version to the original by Tears for Fears. This is weird for two reasons: 1) I love 80s music, and Tears for Fears is one of my favorite groups, and 2) I generally don’t like re-makes of songs and tend to prefer the original compositions by the original artists. With the Gary Jules version, I think it’s the cello and the video that made the difference.

    6. Caro in the UK*

      Avatar, anything Michael Bay and anything directed by Christopher Nolan… especially Inception.

        2. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

          So did I. I never even bothered to see the third one, because the second was just so…. meh.

          It felt like a superhero movie that was embarrassed to be a superhero movie.

        3. BeautifulVoid*

          I made the mistake of saying I didn’t like them to an otherwise good friend and got treated to a lengthy rant/lecture about how they’re the best movies ever, how they mirror today’s society and political climate and highlight all the issues in creative ways, and how they’ll be considered classics decades from now because of how amazing they were and how they reflected the issues of our times. I let him ramble for a bit and then just said “You may be right, and I won’t argue the validity of your points, but I still didn’t like them.”

        4. Wendy Darling*

          I thought the Batman movies were fine but I was like OMG TURN ON THE LIGHTS the entire time.

          I love Inception though. Probably more than it deserves, but it just tickles my fancy (and apparently a lot of other people’s).

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I liked Batman Begins, LOVED The Dark Knight, and hated The Dark Knight Returns. Severe badass decay, plus I think I was just bummed because of what-might-have-been if Heath Ledger had lived.

            Still haven’t seen Inception. For some weird reason, whenever I try to watch it, something happens so I can’t. o_o

            1. BeautifulVoid*

              That’s me with Chasing Amy. Every time I’ve tried to watch it, something has happened, up to and including a friend’s VCR catching on fire in an earlier attempt. o_O Knowing about my past issues, my friend (the same one I mentioned upthread who loves those Batman movies) bought me the DVD for Christmas one year. I’m afraid to take it out of the packaging.

          2. Jessica*

            I think Inception is a beautiful movie to watch and listen to. I really like it. The concepts are interesting to me.

            Hated Avatar. The special effects were so well-done that they were *too* well-done–except for the floating rocks, I could’ve been looking at a travelogue about Hawaii or something. The theme of “Discover noble savages, go native” is so, so, SO overplayed. And Cameron is terrible at writing dialogue, so the plot sucked (what little there was of it).

            1. Elizabeth West*

              I literally sat in the cinema alternating between “Oooh, pretty floaty flower things!” and “I think X is gonna happen next.” Every time I did the latter, yep, I was right. Not one thing in that film was a surprise, except the 3D. That’s just not enough to carry a film, let alone a sequel.

              1. Amadeo*

                Agreed on that ‘no surprises’ thing. It was a visually pretty movie, but I only watched it because my brother gave me the DVD for my birthday. There was literally nothing in it that I didn’t see coming through the entire thing.

        5. Amadeo*

          I liked Batman Begins well enough, but the one time I’ve seen The Dark Knight I felt like I never once got the chance to just…catch my breath. If that makes sense. I was increasingly stressed out through the entire thing, like I never got to unwind, so I never bothered to see the third one either.

      2. Audiophile*

        Wow, nothing Nolan has ever directed?
        One of my favorite films, is his film Memento. I can still watch it and enjoy it the same way as when I first discovered it.

        I enjoyed his Batman trilogy, though I think Batman Begins and The Dark Knight were better than The Dark Knight Rises. And I hope we can all agree that all of those films were better than Batman vs. Superman.

        1. Nye*

          I saw Batman vs Superman as the first movie of a drive-in double feature. Partner and I wished we’d thought to bring along a laptop so we could watch something else while sitting in the car waiting for the second movie.

    7. Rikki Tikki Tarantula*

      I hated Thelma and Louise. It combined an Idiot Plot with a Character Arc Loop-De-Loop.

      1. CityMouse*

        Ooof I really hate this one, partially because I really, really like the book. In the book, it is clear the “love story” isn’t really a “love story” but about self destruction, and Kip is more the main character than anyone else. One of the very very best passages in the book is about Kip disarming a new type of bomb that killed his mentors and friends, and it’s completely omitted. It’s kind of predictable that Hollywood would diminish the Indian character from the book, but in a book that really emphasizes colonialism in the 20th century, it’s kind of horrifying.

        They completely cut the brilliant gut punch at the end of the book, and the line that I believe actually gives the book its title:

        “When you start bombing the brown races of the world, you’re an Englishman”.

      2. Connie-Lynne*

        It was so bad! Everybody made the shittiest choices ever to be the worst possible people, just to move the plot along!

      3. Windchime*

        OMG, this was so long and boring. Another one is “Out of Africa”. I have only tried to watch it a couple of times and just couldn’t do it. Total snooze-fest.

        1. Artemesia*

          I liked both Out of Africa which is sort of more or less accurate about the people it wrote about and the English Patient.

      1. Julianne*

        I was also disappointed by Frozen. Based on what I’d heard about it (including from adults, not just the first graders I taught at the time!), I was expecting to just be carried away by the movie, like I remember from Disney movie musicals of my childhood (or even some of my favorite Pixar movies from adulthood – Up comes to mind), but the whole thing just left me…cold, to use an appropriate adjective.

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          I enjoyed Frozen, but I thought Brave was such a better movie and I’m incapable of watching the end of it without bawling my eyes out. I’m sad it doesn’t get as much love and recognition as Frozen. Same goes for Moana.

        2. Rookie Manager*

          Yes!! I just did not connect with it at all and do not understand why the world seems obsessed with the film and that bloody song!

      3. Emily*

        I enjoy Frozen while I’m watching it, but it doesn’t have much staying power for me! I feel like the plot and character development (and honestly, even the animation – though that may be partially stylistic preference on my part) are lacking compared to a lot of its contemporaries.

    10. Parenthetically*

      Napoleon Dynamite. Everyone in my demographic was OBSESSED when it came out and I watched it and… nary a chuckle.

        1. fposte*

          In real life, they’re usually the sign of a crap, profit-based facility, and apparently those cubs were born in 2014 and mysteriously never heard about again.

      2. LCL*

        Yes! The whole thing was a shaggy dog story. And the boys’ back story was never explained-some dreamer had sons they named Napoleon and Kipling, then disappeared. What happened? Why are they being raised by their grandmother?

        Then the whole thing with the llama, Tina. Snubbing an animal to a fence post like they did is abusive, unless you are doing it for a short time and have a good reason. A good reason would be to administer vet care. Feeding an herbivore ham is not a good reason. WTF with the ham, anyway?

      3. Julianne*

        I actually considered breaking up with my then relatively new boyfriend after he dragged me to see it, having seen it himself 2-3 times previously. (Spoiler alert: I did not break up with him. Spoiler alert to the spoiler alert: I probably should have, and having wildly different taste in popular culture/entertainment than I do is now, fairly or unfairly, a litmus test for new relationships.)

      5. Connie-Lynne*

        Oh ha, a guy tried to hit on me in a bar this week by referring to the music in that movie and I was just “ummm, I thought it was boring. I don’t remember the music.”

    11. Myrin*

      Tangled, the Rapunzel Disney movie. I liked it all right but it didn’t really do it for me, especially humour-wise (there were some really fun moments but nothing like what my friends had raved about).

      1. Wendy Darling*

        Oh man I actively hated that movie. All my friends were crazy about it so I stuck it on Netflix and was like, what. What. This is it? Seriously?

        I also found Frozen super meh. Like it was fine, it was cute, I watched it on an airplane and I don’t regret it, but the HYPE.

      2. Effie, less broken*

        I HATE TANGLED. I was all set to give it a try (my whole family went to see it in theater which is a big deal for us, my parents don’t like spending money on things they deem “fripperies”) and it wasn’t bad (her parents were mutely adorable). And THEN…

        I moved to do an internship with a nonprofit and somehow when all the female interns hung out together it became a thing that we had to watch it together and THEN my host family bought it and when my roommate loved it and borrowed it all the time they bought her her own copy and there was no escape!

        Also IMO Rapunzel was not anywhere nearly awkward enough for a person who’d only ever interacted with one other person. Mother Gothel is one of my favorite Disney villains though.

        (Also it awakened my jealousy as a child WOC that there was yet another white Disney princess and who I couldn’t identify with at all)

    13. Marzipan*

      Every review for Baby Driver says it’s amazing, and while I didn’t hate it I certainly didn’t think it warranted all the love.

      1. Quickbeam*

        Loved it but only because that was my exact age cohort. Plus Burt Reynolds talking himself out of an Oscar by badmouthing the movie!

      2. Audiophile*

        It’s funny, I didn’t love Boogie Nights. I bought it sight unseen, I think, and that was a bad choice. I tried several times to watch it before giving up and selling it.

      1. the gold digger*

        I hate Star Wars so much that it is one of the terms I have blocked with Facebook Purity. (Thank you, Cosmic Avenger, for that link!)

        I also have the name of the current president blocked. And the terms “nom nom” and “squee.”

        1. Wendy Darling*

          The only appropriate use of the words “nom nom” is to caption a picture of a very cute animal eating something in a very particular way — the item must be 1. too long/large to fit in the animal’s mouth all at once, and 2. drawn into the animal’s mouth as it chews as if by an invisible conveyer.

          Like this.

          Any other usage is bogus.

      2. Muriel Heslop*

        Ugh. Me too. It’s fine, I guess, if you like that kind of movie but I really can’t stand them.

      3. BeautifulVoid*

        A friend and I have always said we love the *idea* of Star Wars, but the execution left a lot to be desired.

    16. katamia*

      Bridesmaids. I just…didn’t laugh. At all. I laugh at everything but didn’t even crack a smile at Bridesmaids. The only thing I got out of it was “Wait, Carnie Wilson used to be a singer?”

      1. Jules the First*

        Oh thank you! I thought I was the only person on the planet who didn’t find Bridesmaids funny!

    17. Courtney W*

      Rocky Horror Picture Show and Pulp Fiction.

      People understand the second one more since it’s pretty graphic and I’m not into gore, though it’s not my main problem with the movie. My hatred for Rocky Horror always baffles my friends since I usually love cult classic type movies. How it generally goes is they’re horrified and say I need to try it again, I tell them I don’t re-watch movies that play off sexual assault as a joke or message about something else, black humor or not. A surprising amount of people don’t understand what I’m talking about until I bring up that scene and the specific problems I have with it. One friend was like, “Ahhhh! I see your point, but I really don’t want to because I love that movie and now that’s going to bug me every time I watch it!”

      1. Paul White*

        I just turned that movie off at the cannibalism scene; that’s a hard nope for me. May not be rational but my hind brain just can’t handle that.

        1. Chaordic One*

          Yeah, it started out provocatively and it had it’s moments, but just pooped out after the dinner party.

      2. JulieBulie*

        I like Pulp Fiction, but cannot stand Rocky Horror Picture Show. There’s a chance I might like it if it were not a musical, but we’ll never know.

    18. Falling Diphthong*

      TV: The Wire. I watched the first few episodes, and found the criminal side pretty intriguing and the cop side utterly boring. Like, I don’t watch cop shows yet called every twist several steps out, which… one could argue makes for a good tragedy? But I was just bored.

      But a lot of people with whom I have overlapping tastes view it as the pinnacle of peak TV.

      1. Quickbeam*

        The Wire! I was a probation officer in my first career. Everyone on the planet wants me to watch this. I never made it past the second episode. Way too dreary for me.

      2. Windchime*

        I tried watching this and it seemed so dated that I gave up. I was distracted by all the typewriters and old-school telephones.

        1. Waiting On GoT*

          But… Dominic West and Idris Elba!!! Joking aside, The Wire really grabbed me. Sorry you guys didn’t like it. :/

    19. Katie the Fed*

      The Hurt Locker is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I’m not in the military but I work closely with them and I found it incredibly unrealistic to the point of being almost comical.

      And it’s a book but I think it falls in the same category – Eat, Pray, Love. The uninspiring tale of a self-obsessed, aimless divorcee with a book deal who makes navel-gazing insights while traveling the world. Amazing. The worst thing is people keep giving it and recommending it to me since I’m an avid traveler and a foodie. UGH.

      1. Paul White*

        Eat, Pray, Love should be re-titled “Middle class white people being pretentious”.

          1. Wendy Darling*

            I am a middle class white American woman and “(upper) middle class white people navel-gazing for 300+ pages” is my least-favorite genre of literature. It just makes me incredibly angry. And I feel like it always devolves into “It’s so HARD to have all this PRIVILEGE! I must go hang out with poor and/or foreign people because they are simple and unsophisticated and will teach me how to be authentic!”

            Barf.

            1. all aboard the anon train*

              When I worked in fiction publishing, I’d say a good portion of the manuscripts we’d get were about how hard life was for a middle/upper class white heterosexual man or woman.

              A professor of creative writing from a very reputable MFA program who often freelanced for us used to complain about how most of the creative writing classes they taught where filled with this genre. Because apparently that’s what’s considered “literary fiction”. I always wanted to yell at the authors who came from MFA programs (and thought that alone would get them published) and thought their middle/upper class suburban white heterosexual story was unique when they all sounded the same.

              1. Katie the Fed*

                Does this stuff get published? ‘Cause I’m a middle class white woman and I could write tons of “insights” on finding myself!

                1. all aboard the anon train*

                  Yeah. I mean, a good portion of “classic lit” is pretty much this genre, especially the books written by upper/middle class heterosexual white men.

                  But with most of the manuscript I found, the general plot was a middle/upper class white heterosexual man/woman who has an unfulfilling life and buys a business/travels/helps “underprivileged” people/etc. while having introspective moments about how their stress free, privileged life is so boring and inauthentic and somewhere along the way they learn some deep insights into their sole and end up fulfilled.

                  Enough of it got published because it was considered good material for critics – aka the people who review it can relate the most to the premise of the book – but it rarely makes money unless there’s a movie deal or someone famous namedrops it.

                2. Paul*

                  Stories about “finding myself” seems so masturbatory (“finding yourself” even works as a euphemism for it!).

                  I mean, I get it: money doesn’t buy freedom from problems. God knows I know that. But you know, the whole damn genera…I don’t think i’ve heard of one of them actually realizing “holy shit these people have it horrible and my lfie has been so much easier in most ways”. It’s always “oh these poor natives helped me connect with myself”.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        SO feeling you on Eat, Pray, Love, as someone who loves to read, eat, and travel. Just not like that.

      4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Ugh- Hurt Locker. I made it 10 minutes. The shaky camera work was making me ill and I just wasn’t seeing the point. I felt bad because first female director to win Oscar and all but it was like… this? Really?

        1. Ann Furthermore*

          OMG, yes. I didn’t read the book, but I did see the movie and it was terrible.

        2. INTP*

          I liked the movie, though I haven’t read the book. I went into it knowing I was there to see pretty scenery and food porn, though. I think if I were expecting a meaningful story about personal growth I would have been disappointed.

        1. Jules the First*

          I also thought it was weird and boring…until I watched it while I was home with the flu. At which point it suddenly became adorably quirky. I can’t explain it, but I won’t apologise….

    21. all aboard the anon train*

      Not a movie, but 30 Rock or any of Tina Fey’s shows. I don’t find them funny and sometimes they’re borderline offensive and I don’t really like that she’s refused to apologize for offending people. And by offensive, I don’t mean lewd jokes, but offensive about different demographics that don’t fall into the white straight middle/upper class demographic.

      30 Rock is one of those shows everyone raved about and I watched and kept wondering if it was supposed to get better or funny….and it never did.

      1. Audiophile*

        I was a big 30 Rock fan and have enjoyed most of Tina Fey’s movies. I’m not in love with her new show, Good News. I missed a large portion of the episodes, but will give it another shot when the second season starts.

        I can kind of understand her hesitance to apologize for some of the jokes. I think it can be a slippery slope for comedians.

    22. NB*

      Anchorman. I thought it was the worst movie I had ever seen, and I couldn’t believe how people LOVED it. I’m still amazed they made a sequel to that piece of trash.

      I’m probably offending everyone on this site. My sister and I are the only people I know who didn’t like it.

      2. selenejmr*

        I watched a few minutes of it and left the room. I thought it was very stupid. My son couldn’t understand why I didn’t think it was funny.

        1. Manderley*

          Yes! I loathe Elf with the fire of a thousand suns. It’s one of my sister’s favorite movies so I’ve seen it far too many times.

        3. Audiophile*

          I’m the opposite, liked Elf, hated Anchorman. I liked most of the players in Anchorman, but just didn’t like the movie.

      4. Enya*

        I hated Anchorman. I’ll go all in and admit that I can’t stand the very-overrated Will Ferrell. The only time I liked him was when he did his impression of Janet Reno on SNL.

        1. Lindsay J*

          Seconded. I’ve just never found anything he did funny. I did like Talladega Nights, but it was more despite Ferrell than because of him.

      6. Chaordic One*

        Yeah, Will Ferrell has a sense of humor that is similar to Tina Fey, and it just strikes me as being kind of lame and flat. Not all that funny.

    23. CityMouse*

      I’m going to be controversial here:

      I didn’t really like Moonlight. Considering I spent a summer in Miami working with kids from Liberty City and similar areas, I should have liked it. But it was just kind of a beautifully shot exercise in misery but I didn’t feel inspired by it and I didn’t feel like his experience was typical enough (given his extreme social isolation) that it would help people understand how kids from that area are set up for failure.

    24. Cookie D'Oh*

      I never got into Harry Potter. I read the first book and tried watching the first movie, but I just wasn’t interested.

    25. selenejmr*

      Punch Drunk Love…..hated it. Left the room after 30 minutes, which my kids couldn’t understand. I just felt I had wasted 30 minutes of my life. After the movie was over they decided that they had wasted 90 minutes of theirs!

    26. Falling Diphthong*

      Sherlock. Which my husband and kids absolutely adore without complication, and I can’t unsee “A portrait of a smart person made by a stupid person who thinks that smart people are indistinguishable from wizards.”

      2. AcademiaNut*

        I recently read some of the Sherlock Holmes stories for the first time recently, and I found that a lot of them offended my sense of logic. In other words, I’d get to the end and think “Yes, you’ve found an explanation that fits the available facts, but it’s not a unique explanation, and you have not proved that it is true.”

    27. Nye*

      Wild. Haven’t seen the movie but the book is intolerable. Congrats, lady, you repeatedly made terrible life decisions and hurt everyone around you, then ran off to do something for which you were dangerously, wilfully unprepared. And then wrote a self-absorbed book about it, leading it to become a cultural touchstone for a trail you hiked less than half of.

      I feel very strongly about this one because I hiked the PCT (all of it, not just the easy parts) alone, and EVERY freaking person who heard that says, “Oh, just like Wild!” I know they mean well, but geez, it’s such an insulting comparison considering how utterly Cheryl Strayed screwed things up. Can’t bring myself to watch the movie.

      1. Windchime*

        I watched the movie on a long, cross-country flight and was very embarrassed to be sitting in the middle seat watching an explicit sex scene that I wasn’t expecting to see. I was worried that my seat-mates would think I was watching porn.

        1. Nye*

          There was a guy at a trail stop bar in northern California who was telling all the hikers that he had slept with Strayed. Have to say that none of us believed him, though.

        2. Lindsay J*

          I was watching the HBO show Girls on a plane and had to stop because of the explicit sex. I didn’t want to make my seat-mate uncomfortable, and honestly I was uncomfortable because it looked like porn.

          I loved Cheryl Strayed as Dear Sugar, so I’ve been avoiding Wild because I don’t want her persona ruined for me.

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        With a similar complaint – the movie for Into the Wild. I really like Krakauer’s writing but the book made the seethe with rage/annoyance at the stupidity and lack of preparedness of McCandless. To have made a movie about it then just.. no. (I grew up in Alaska, we were taught to have respect for nature and the wild, so to read about this guy thinking he would just “drop out” by hiking his unprepared ass into the bush still makes me angry)

        1. Nye*

          Yeah, it pisses me off that movies tend to glorify idiots who head out into nature with wide eyes and zero planning. This type of storytelling just encourages a fresh crop of idiots who endanger the SAR folks who inevitably have to bail them out.

        1. Nye*

          There’s a truly amazing review from Rick Polito that circulates every once in a while – you’ve probably seen it, but just in case:

          The Wizard of Oz
          “Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.”

      4. Sylvia*

        Haha. I liked reading Wild – I liked her honesty about those terrible life decisions – but it must be infuriating to hear about every time you talk about hiking that trail.

    28. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      Idiocracy. I know it resonates with a lot of my friends, but I found it condescending and just kind of gross. It felt a lot like the “we have to outbreed the heathens!” I’ve heard from certain sects of Christianity, and it seemed like it also confused intelligence with class markers in some really uncomfortable ways.

    29. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Titanic. I’ve never been able to watch it. Big Bang Theory is my most disliked tv series. Overplays the geek stereotype.

      1. Audiophile*

        Memento is one of my favorites, so much in fact that I have the special Criterion collector’s edition. (I was wrong, Following is his film that has a Criterion edition.)

        Black Swan was alright. I don’t love it by any means.

        Never saw Don’t Think Twice.

    31. Waiting On GoT*

      Manchester by the Sea… everything about it screamed that I should love it and I absolutely hated it. I feel like a bad person for that one.

    32. HannahS*

      Up in the Air. A man discovers that, actually, finding human relationships burdensome and trite is…not a great way to live. Wow, revolutionary. How the heck did this get Oscar noms? It’s like a bad Hallmark movie.

      1. Audiophile*

        It’s not the best film, but I think Vera Farmiga’s performance was excellent, but she’s good in almost everything she does. Including Bates Motel, which as much as I liked it, she was basically the reason I watched.

    33. Chaordic One*

      Anything by Quentin Tarantino. Partly it’s all the violence. The humor is a bit too dark and they’re just not all that interesting.

      1. Bostonian*

        The first movie I thought of in response to this question was Reservoir Dogs. I do like some other Tarantino, though.

    34. Sylvia*

      Inception! I don’t dislike it. I only think it doesn’t live up to the hype. It’s not really that clever.

    35. JulieBulie*

      Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I got through the whole thing, but it was a tough slog. I didn’t care about those guys and looked forward to their demise.

    36. Merci Dee*

      Got a couple of entries here:

      ET and Wizard of Oz, I hate for the same reason – over-saturation

      When I was a kid, my great-uncle (or Grunkle, as they’re known on a certain kids’ show) would pop it in the VCR every time we went over to visit. It’s not that I asked him to, because I never wanted to watch it. I think he just had a crush on Judy Garland.

      I got sick of ET because my high school Spanish teacher would play it every time she didn’t want to teach, or she had to catch up on grading papers. And, yes, it was the dubbed Spanish version. And it’s not like she even started the movie from where we left off. She started it from the beginning every time, so we always saw the same hour of film. Unsurprisingly, the only thing I remember from that Spanish class is, “cierra la boca”, or “shut your mouth”.

      There was another one I was thinking about a minute ago, but it left me. Like that’s a surprise. Will add it if it comes back to me.

      1. Dawbs*

        Ahhh, taaah, telephoneo mi casa.

        First thing I think of when told “say something in Spanish”

    38. FlyingFergus*

      Guardians of the Galaxy. Sat there the whole time alternating between “but everyone said this was funny…” and “this makes no sense at all.”

      1. Jessica*

        I didn’t like it either. Bo-ring! And the whole thing with the critter that only says “I am Groot” and yet everyone correctly interprets what it means in context? I grew out of that schtick when I was still watching Sesame Street.

        Somehow I just wound up on a Wikipedia page explaining the entire back story of Groot and why everyone can understand him. K. Still an old schtick.

        1. JulieBulie*

          Heh, Groot was the only thing I liked about the movie. He was the only one that made any sense to me.

    39. INTP*

      Alien. Maybe you had to be around when it first came out to appreciate it? I’m told it was groundbreaking but it doesn’t hold up as a classic imo. It was completely predictable what the alien was going to do, which was the only thing going on in the movie. The characters weren’t well developed and the white panties scene was so blatantly exploitative that I had secondhand embarrassment. Maybe I’ve seen enough movies that were basically the exact same thing in various settings with various monsters that it doesn’t seem at all unique to me but if I saw it when it first came out it would have been more interesting.

      As my brother said while we were watching it and our parents were incredulous that we weren’t at the edge of our seats “It’s just a plastic alien on a spaceship.”

      1. JulieBulie*

        That’s a fair assessment, actually. Aliens kicked off a whole slew of similar movies that ended up doing the same thing much better. If you’re interested in the genre, then it’s interesting to watch its earliest entries, but otherwise it doesn’t really hold up.

    40. The Other Dawn*

      Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I just couldn’t get into it. I happened across it while flipping channels and decided to watch. While watching I was checking reviews of it and there were so many good ones I figured, ok I’ll give it a little time. I finally turned it off. It was a bit hard to follow and I just didn’t care about the characters at all.

    41. Buggy Crispino*

      Forrest Gump. SO much hype at the time and I just didn’t understand why. The entire time I was contemplating getting up and leaving but I figured “something great must be coming any minute!” Nope.
      Today, people still look at me like I’m a raving loon when I say that I hated it. I think that’s kind of when I decided I didn’t like Tom Hanks in general, too.

      1. Nye*

        With you in this one. I like Tom Hanks, but Forrest Gump (the movie) was just so…dumb.

        My low opinion of the movie has been lowered even further by that ridiculous chain of restaurants it inspired. They have​ one in a major fishery area of California, selling “Gulf*” seafood to tourists. Because why eat local when you could sit on the ocean and enjoy shrimp shipped in from ecologically-disasterous farming operations in southeast Asia?

        2. Audiophile*

          Don’t hate me, I will admit I ate at a Bubba Humps when I was in Florida. I think the one on the Orlando boardwalk with the Hard Rock Cafe.

          1. Nye*

            I will admit that, much as I loathed the one in CA (which I never ate at), they would have a pretty good Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump impersonator working outside the place some weekends.

    42. Beth Anne*

      I liked the Notebook but in a 1 and done thing. I don’t need to watch it a million times. The book sequel the wedding was actually way better.

      For me the movie Frozen seems so overdone..it was a cute movie but i don’t get the thype.

    43. NaoNao*

      Late to the party but so many. Basically my taste seemingly runs exactly counter to most of the American Public because I hated (or refused to watch on principle) all of the following:
      Little Miss Sunshine
      Knocked Up
      Napoleon Dynamite
      The Notebook
      Forest Gump
      As Good as it Gets (DETESTED this movie)
      K-Pax
      Pay it Forward
      Saving Private Ryan
      any of the Transformers movies
      any of the Taken series
      any of the Harry Potter movies
      Manchester By the Sea
      Pitch Perfect I, II, or III
      any of the holiday themed romantic comedies: “New Year’s Eve”/ “Valentine’s Day” etc.
      Seeking a friend until the end of the world
      Garden State (GET THAT PUNCHABLE FACE AWAY FROM ME)
      Spanglish, Punch Drunk, or any other Adam Sandler serious movie
      any of Jim Carey’s oeuvre
      I have also rewatched Pretty Woman and Shakespeare in Love and find that what were once delightful romantic comedies with happy/uplifting endings are now horrifying sexist, dated, claptrap.

  4. Ramona Flowers*

    I can’t work out whether it’s okay to post this. I contributed a letter to an anthology called The Recovery Letters. It’s for people with depression written by those who’ve been there. There’s a website too. Link to come in follow-up comment.

    Residual jerkbrain was sure my letter would be cut, but my copy came the other day and it’s in there. It’s a wonderful project and I wanted to let people know in case it helps anyone. As for how I feel about being in the book, the right word hasn’t quite been invented yet.

    Also I’ve almost finished The Humans (would have read it faster but have been saving it for the last leg of my morning commute as it makes me laugh SO much I start the day in top spirits) and can’t thank AAM enough for such a wonderful recommendation.

    4. Purple snowdrop*

      Oooh I haven’t looked at the link yet but I’m intrigued and thank you for sharing. Well done!

    5. BananaKarenina*

      Just got to the link. Congratulations on getting published! I like the personal feel to “opening” the letters. What a cool way to encourage others through those times of the “black dog”. Thank you for sharing this!

    7. ..Kat..*

      Thank you for doing this. The more people talk about this, the less stigmatized and shameful mental health problems will be. Which I believe will lead to more people getting treatment. And therefore living better lives.

      And congratulations!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Totally agree. Though I just wrote one letter – the real kudos goes to the people who edited it but hey there’s plenty to go around right?

    8. Peanut*

      Congratulations! And I coincidentally just started reading “The Humans” tonight, also because of AAM!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I hope you enjoy it. I am going to be in book mourning for a long time after this one…

  5. Mimmy*

    At the risk of getting laughed at…

    I am not good at telling whether or not clothes fit right on me. The size and/or the cut might be wrong, but I can’t always tell. My husband tries to help, but I don’t think he trusts his judgment either. I should probably just bite the bullet and ask one of my sisters to go shopping with me, but they all live out of town, and when our families were all together last week, the focus was on the (teenage) kids.

    My husband keeps telling me about a crowd-sourcing website where you can post a photo of you in the outfit to get feedback, but I’m leery about privacy concerns. Has anyone tried something like this? Any other suggestions?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      What about seeing if anywhere has a personal shopper service e.g. department stores?

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Seconding the personal shopper, though I’m not sure what your shopping level is. Someone paid–often by the department store–to help you find things that you will actually want to buy, and then return to the store to buy more, and that’s how they get their return: Not by convincing you to buy the most expensive pair of pants, but to buy the pants that make you a loyal customer. But not every clerk is authorized to tell a customer those pants aren’t flattering.

        I still remember shopping in a maternity store geared toward women with office jobs, and the clerk after observing the first few outfits I tried on brought back half a dozen things, which were all really well suited to my taste and price point, and it made shopping a lot easier.

        (My husband would be of the opinion that I was wearing clothing, and would be really worried at a test of whether it was the same clothing I was wearing ten minutes ago or completely different.)

      2. TootsNYC*

        ditto–a friend of mine went to the personal shopper at Macy’s, and it didn’t cost him anything extra, but the guy found all sorts of clothes that were great for his slight frame.

      3. Rookie Manager*

        I did this before starting a new job and the girl was great at finding me things I wouldn’t normally look at and things that suited me well. I trusted her because early on I tried a dress she brought and got a “no, that does not suit you because of x and y- let’s avoid those things”.

        It didn’t cost any extra and she worked within my budget. It was like having my sisters there but with detailed product knowledge!

    2. Janice*

      How about if you just send a picture to one of your sisters? My daughter does that with her friends when she goes shopping. Also, lots of magazines these days (Redbook especially) often feature non-models in the copy. Keep an eye out for women who resemble you and what they are wearing. That would work for style but not for fit.

      1. Purple snowdrop*

        Ha yeah I’ve got a WhatsApp group with my sisters and often send then pictures from the changing rooms. They usually respond fast enough and I trust their opinions :)

      2. a nony mouse*

        THIS. I will get pics of my sister from a dressing room trying on clothes, and I do the same with something I’m on the borderline about.

    3. self employed*

      Do you have an honest and stylish friend? I’d also do a personal shopper before an online thing. Also, consider taking pieces you like to a tailor to have them fit properly and customized to you.

    4. Junior Dev*

      The Female Fashion Advice and Male Fashion Advice subreddits will have people post photos, often with their faces cropped out for privacy, to get feedback.

    5. Cece*

      Depending on where you live, a department store may have a free consultation or personal shopping service. I’ve done this a few times because I find clothes shopping frustrating. Satisfyingly (or, sadly?) I’ve rarely found myself making any purchases, since despite the attendants’ best efforts and 60-90min of trying, there isn’t much that fit/suited me.

      It was reassuring to know that even an expert agreed that it just wasn’t my season. It was also comforting to know that when I get up the courage to try again, I could go back to any of those stores for help.

      Alternatively, if you have this kind of relationship with your sisters (and schedules allow), ask for their time alone for shopping! No kids/partners. Feeling good in your clothes isn’t a trivial thing – ask for their help!

      1. Jiddy*

        It not ‘being my season’ has been such an issue for me, and I equally find clothes shopping to be very frustrating. I feel like over the last 5 years or more, fashion has skewed really shapeless and I have shape for daaaaays. I’ve resorted to mostly second-hand clothes shopping, which I know is not for everyone, but honestly it’s the only way to get around this problem if I need new winter clothes etc., plus it’s cheaper and more eco-friendly/ethical than the fast fashion shops in my price range.

        I was browsing in a shop the other day when I had another woman approach me and ask me for my opinion about a blouse she’d tried on (she did it in a very friendly, un-weird way so I was game to help). I was honest and told her that I th0ught it was too billowy and overwhelming for her frame, but it was a cute pattern. She came and found me again in 10 minutes to ask about another top, which looked amazing on her and got two thumbs up from me. I probably wouldn’t take this approach but it can work!

        1. JulieBulie*

          Me too on the “not my season.” There are some years where I just hate everything that’s available and/or it doesn’t look right on me. Right year, I am doing okay, but last year was really bad. This is why I tend to wear the same clothes for years on end. Since I am not buying “fashion,” and try to go for classic styles, hopefully my clothes don’t look too outdated after a couple of years.

    6. Triceratops*

      Not sure if this what your husband is referring to, but that’s definitely the kind of thing you could do on the Female Fashion Advice subreddit. (reddit dot com /r/femalefashionadvice) Look for threads titled “Outfit Feedback” or “Simple Questions.” Your username can be whatever you want so it’s not linked to your name at all and post pics that don’t show your head or blur your face out. They give good, detailed, kind advice!

      1. Triceratops*

        Sorry, I made some assumptions — as another poster above says, Male Fashion Advice (same URL but with ‘male’ rather than ‘female’) will also answer questions like this. I don’t know as much about which threads would be best to post to there.

    7. Business Cat*

      As my body shape changed moving into my late twenties, I have found that checking out Pinterest fashion inspo for people with my body type (i.e. curvy, hourglass, broad-shouldered, short-waisted) has been immensely helpful in finding shapes and cuts that are the most flattering. You can usually spot a trend in what types and shapes of clothing fit your body type, figure out what you’re drawn to, and go from there. There are a ton of fashion bloggers out there of all body types, and if you can find someone with a similar body shape and a style you like, that is super helpful.

      Once I’ve gotten a good idea of new pieces I would like to get for my wardrobe, I do a lot of online window shopping to see which stores carry those kinds of clothing and make a note of which specific items are similar before I go shopping. If you can nail down a few brands that fit you best and have consistent sizing, that makes it easier to shop for clothing online if that’s something you’re interested in. For me, Jessica Simpson and Express carry options that are figure flattering and trend toward the style I prefer. Sweetheart necklines, asymmetrical shapes, drapey fabric, fit-and-flare dresses, and mid-rise pants are my happy place, so as long as I stick within that style paradigm I know my odds of looking a mess are infinitely lower. Happy shopping!

      1. Loopy*

        Seconding pinterest. I was truly shocked at how well it worked to figure out what was flattering to my figure and go hunt down those styles. Three years later I’m happily wearing the same pieces I got after a few days of using Pinterest!

    8. Merci Dee*

      If you’re talking about needing help in the moment when you’re trying on clothes…

      Just ask one of the store associates, or another person in the changing area, that you’re on the fence about the outfit and can’t decide if it fits you. Most people are willing to help out and tell you if the outfit is working for you. I’ve been on both sides of the outfit – getting the advice and giving it. It’s worked out pretty well.

    9. Cookie D'Oh*

      There’s a website called You Look Fab where you can post pictures in the forums. You need to be a member and logged in to view the photos. I haven’t posted in the forums in a while, but a lot of people would post pictures but block out their faces. I remember the other members being helpful and kind with feedback.

    10. Passing Through*

      I learned a lot about how to choose clothes for my body type watching some episodes of TLC’s “What Not to Wear.” If you haven’t seen it, two fashion-types give a woman advice about how to shop for clothes that are flattering on her, like what type of pant leg works best based on your shape and height or how to choose a jacket or top with a flattering fit. It looks like there are episodes available on TLC’s website.

      1. Mimmy*

        I watched that show all the time! I definitely would’ve been a prime candidate for intervention :P

    11. HannahS*

      Don’t feel bad. Until I started making clothes, I had a very hard time telling as well, and would often come home with stuff that was too…big. But like, not? I mean if I went a size smaller the darn things wouldn’t have fastened, but somehow it just looked…off. Once I was able to make clothes that DO fit, I’m more able to understand that usually the problem is that I’m short, so the curves in the clothing are all hitting in the wrong place, pulling the fabric strangely, etc. Not that that helps you, particularly, because making your own clothes is pretty impractical. I feel like the idea of a personal shopper is good; someone who can look at your body and understand why clothes aren’t fitting you right. Maybe you have narrower shoulders or a much rounder bum or whatever than what the brands expect, so they’ll be able to recommend cuts or types of garments that are more likely to fit you. For example, I now know that it’s hopeless for my short, pear-shaped self to buy a sheath dress, but a fit-and-flare is much more likely to fit correctly.

        1. fposte*

          Right, I’m a short-waisted petite and I get stuff tailored to fix that stuff sometimes. You can often shorten the shoulders on sleeveless stuff without much trouble and move the vertical torso seaming so it doesn’t go too high any more (the cause of the dreaded poof over the shoulder blades).

          That being said, it also helps to know what styles of clothes you can alter without a lot of expense and what you might not have to alter at all. It’s sad to fall in love with something and find out it would cost over $100 to alter it to fit you.

        2. HannahS*

          Ooh, yes, that’s a very good point. Looking at a thing and going “Why doesn’t this look right? What would need to change for it to fit?” is a very useful skill. Then you can decide if it’s worth it to buy+alter.

      2. only acting normal*

        Knowing how to judge making pattern alterations is so helpful in knowing how to judge fit (even if you just reject something off the rack rather than bother with the alteration).
        Quite a few sewing books have this kind of instruction in. Things like:
        sharp horizontal creases = not enough width,
        loose vertical creases = too much width,
        loose horizontal creases = too much length,
        tight vertical creases = not enough length.
        etc

  7. Junior Dev*

    Tell me about your sports and exercise again!

    I am going to the same personal trainer today as I saw a couple months ago, to correct my form on weight lifting. I was able to add a fair amount of weight and broke the 100-lb mark on two of my lifts but my form was bad. So I want to learn to do it correctly.

    What are you up to?

    1. Courtney W*

      Well this is nowhere near as impressive as you, but I just got into an exercise routine this week. Going back to college after having kids lead to weight gain (part from never fully losing the baby weight), and my stamina for physical activity basically going way down. I’m starting with walking/jogging/running – so far up to 2.5 miles in one workout! Which I realize is not a lot for most people, but I’m hoping to just make slow and steady progress and start working in other activities too once it’s an established part of my daily routine.

      Breaking the 100lb mark sounds amazing! Even with the form issues – you’re aware of them, at least, so I’m sure you’ll keep improving there.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Aw thanks! It took months of work to get there and I already had fairly strong leg and back muscles when I started due to roller skating.

        Yay jogging! I used to use the couch to 5k app from cool runnings, I don’t know if I ever successfully completed the 5k. I’ve injured myself a couple times running so I don’t really do it anymore but it definitely got more fun the better I got at it.

      1. Junior Dev*

        I was on a date with a woman where we went out for dim sum and I asked for a vegetable dish. She said something about “I should eat that, it’s good for me” and I said “it’s all good for your soul.’

          3. Effie, less broken*

            That is extra cute when you realize that “dim sum” translated means in essence “a little something to touch your heart” :)

    3. CityMouse*

      My regular instructor for a sort of dance/cardio class I go to talked me into going to bootcamp this week, and it completely kicked my butt. At some point I just gave up on push ups and stayed in a plank until everyone else was done. I know it’s good for me, but boy is it hard to get into stuff like that because you feel so sore afterwards, and even though your teacher is encouraging, you feel bad for not being able to do everything.

      2. miki*

        Try modified push ups if the regular ones are too much for you (the kneeling ones). Less strain on your lower back, but similar to the upper chest. (Been doing body pump the last 6 months), I am still staying away from boot camp, looks very intense to me.

    4. nep*

      Love the way kettlebell complexes make me feel.
      Left wrist keeping me from doing some yoga poses — giving it time.
      Body weight exercises are fantastic.

    5. neverjaunty*

      I shelled out for the Fitplan app because it is something that tells me what weights to lift next, but isn’t a perky instructor. Also it doesn’t care what time I show up at the gym.

    6. Aurion*

      I’ll be going back to weightlifting after a two month break (broken finger). Going to be dropping the weight since I haven’t practiced any lifts for a while. Lots of hiking lately too, the weather’s nice.

    7. Loopy*

      I’ve been unable to find the right exercise regime for me (posted a couple of weeks ago) and this past week I went to a sort of open house run through Yelp at anew gym in our area called Koko fit club (apparently they have other gyms all up the east coats?). They focus mostly on personal training but also have lots of points systems and high tech machines that help you track progress over your visits.

      I got a 15 day free trial and am thinking I may need to go the personal trainer route because I will show up for appointments. I could never stand someone else up.

      So I’m excited have the trial and see how it works out for me.

    8. edj3*

      Congratulations!

      I’m upping my running distances, ran 8 miles this morning and will probably do the same amount tomorrow. I can’t do long runs during the week–I already get up super early, so the most I can do on a weekday is not quite five.

      Toying around with running a 10k and then a half marathon. We shall see!

    9. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I just got in the pool today for the first time in over a year and it felt amazing. Form is still in good shape, and my back (which was my injury preventing any and all exercise for almost a year) held up well. The pool is in a fancy pants gym so its not quite regulation length, but its not going to matter for the first few months while I get up to speed. Besides, I can use any other gym in the network and there are two near me with 20m and 25m when I get up to it and a govt run 33m pool (which is the weirdest length I’ve ever seen) in the neighborhood.

      New gym also has an amazing hydrotherapy pool, a little workout pool, a gorgeous cycling studio and all sorts of nooks and crannies around. I was hoping to spend a month working on my own building up strength and some fitness before getting a trainer for a few sessions to ensure proper lifting technique, improve core strength, and hopefully building into spinning again.

      This winter I want to try track cycling, learn to play squash, and go back to my rollerskiing club. I also want to do a Swim Trek swimming tour next year, so lots to look forward to, in addition to dropping this weight I’ve packed on in the last two years.

      Otherwise I walk a half hour each way to work every day which has done a surprising amount for improving my strength. May start run commuting home (1.7 mi) once I am more comfortable jogging.

    10. Nervous Accountant*

      I’m into spin these days. I’m able to do a full class (45 minutes) w/o stopping. I’m not as fast as the sprints but I’ll get there.

      As a side, Im taking a break from weights for the rest of the month and seeing what only cardio (spin, couch25k, maybe add elliptical & stairmastet one week) can do for me. (I know all the benefits of weights but I hate cardio and….idk I swear I think my blood sugar is better after a cardio session than weight session although I could be wrong about that.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I really want to do that when I get a job again. My routine is walking almost every day (Saturday is typically my recovery day, since I’m busy most of the time that day, but this week I walked today because I didn’t do it on Friday). Three times a week, after walk, I do some free weights (probably wrong). I need to add my Pilates DVD back in or try the yoga one I have but never looked at to work on my core and gain some flexibility.

    12. Minta*

      Just purchased a Pilates reformer. I’ve been wanting one for years. I can’t wait until it’s up and running. I’ll barely have room to walk into my office, but I’ll soon be a willowy SOB with terrific posture! :-P

  8. Nervous Accountant*

    Side effects of melatonin-grogginess daytime headaches and sleepiness and just all around feeling like a fat lazy pos. I’m gonna stop taking it but I realized that maybe this is what’s made me feel like this for the last few weekends. I’m usually fine during the week, but weekends are insane.

    I’m about to go to work, I need to get through this sludge. From past experience, Energy (SF) drinks and coffee do little to help this side effect

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Yeah I take it on the weekends to help me sleep more deeply. I’ve a tendency to wake up middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep easily.

    2. Morning Glory*

      I’ve noticed that taking even half a melatonin at night does the same thing to me, even when I take it every night. My husband, on the other hand, is totally fine the next day.

      Nothing has really worked for me, other than to stop taking it. But splashing cold water on my face, or being in an uncomfortably cold room have helped somewhat. Hard to achieve that last one during this heat wave, but good luck.

    3. Optimistic Prime*

      So according to my friend who is a neuroscientist – and a bunch of sleep researchers – from when I was battling insomnia, melatonin isn’t meant to be taken as a long-term sleep aid for insomnia. Melatonin’s role in the body is simply to regulate your circadian rhythm, and melatonin supplements are for if you need to reset your body’s natural sleep clock – like jet lag or shift workers. It only works for a few days, and after that (and often during) it has the unpleasant side effects you’re noticing.

      Good luck, I hope you get through your day at work all right!

    4. NB*

      What happens if you cut the tablet in half? Or if you take it after dinner instead of at bedtime?

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I take gummies…2.5mg x 3. I mostly don’t eat dinner but when I do dinner time is about 2 hours before bed (10).

        I don’t take them on a workday. I only take it on weekends so I don’t end up awake at 6 am.

    5. Sherm*

      How much are you taking? Melatonin is typically sold from 0.3 mg to pill up to 10 mg per pill. That means that the highest dose has about 30 times the melatonin as the lowest dose! You might want to try a different dose and see how you feel.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        5-7.5 mg gummies 2x a week.

        I was taking a 5mg pill but holy crap the dreams I had were insane.

        1. misspiggy*

          That’s quite a high dose, as others have said. See if you do better with gradually cutting bits off.

      2. Emma*

        I take Trader Joe’s, which is 500mcg (=0.5mg), and I love it. I don’t take it every night, but maybe a couple of times a week.

    6. Purple snowdrop*

      Pre-biotics (not probiotics) are the new big thing in the UK to aid sleep. I’m too tired to link right now but Google Michael Mosely truth about sleep. Might help?

    7. CoffeeLover*

      Just wanted to commiserate on the insomnia front. I’ve always had bad sleeps but I’ve had an unusually rough week or so and am exhausted. Can’t fall asleep and wake up throughout the night. It’s terrible. Planning to try melatonin for the first time and this post has been really helpful.

      1. Jessica*

        I have personally found melatonin to be very helpful for achieving restful, uninterrupted sleep.

        But other things to try, if one has an adverse reaction to melatonin:

        1. Stopping backlit screen use a couple hours before you plan to start sleeping
        2. Dimming the lights and/or using warm lights (golden/orange)
        3. Mindfulness exercises to calm the brain (I really like the Headspace app, but there are many to choose from)
        4. Warm/hot shower

    8. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

      How are your B vitamin levels? I have found my insomnia is much worse when I am short on my Bs. I take a B complex in the morning before I leave for work. After a few weeks, I can start skipping a bit and take it just once or twice a week to maintain.

  9. mental readjustment needed*

    I am feeling really mad at some friends – we have plans to go see a show – I suggested the show, and bought the tickets once we agreed on a date (this was about 3-4 weeks ago). I thought they’d suggest some restaurants (it seems one person knew the area) but when I didn’t hear yesterday, asked because I was a bit worried of having a restaurant on a sat night in that popular neighborhood. They were like we don’t know any. I probably should have just let it go at that point because that answer made me mad. But I was interested in having a good time so I googled some suggestions and they liked one and then could not decide on a time either. I just feel like I did all the lifting to organize this outing and I am so mad right now and really need to readjust my feelings or I won’t have a good time! Part of it is perhaps that they are dating (so it’s a couple and me) and that also irks me that I did all the work here. Am I out of line? How can I think of this differently?

    1. fposte*

      Oh, it’s annoying to feel like you were the event admin.

      But what I would do in future is state upfront “Hey, if I get the tickets, can you book us a table at a restaurant?” They may have thought this was “your” evening since you suggested the show, and even if they didn’t this might keep it from falling off their radar.

      If this is part of a larger pattern where you do all the work, you can feel free at a future date to respond cheerfully to a “Let’s hang out, what do you want to do?” with “I decided the last few times–your turn!” And if it turns out that they really suck at followthrough and it ruins the evening for you when you have to wait an hour for a table because they forget and then rush to the show, you have to weigh the satisfying experience against the shared admin. But being annoyed with people who don’t give what you don’t ask for is the road to disappointment. Ask me how I know :-).

      1. neverjaunty*

        And if your friends get pissy when you say “hey, I picked last time, you guys need to figure it out this time” – well, there are lots of other friends you can spend time with who don’t expect you to be their Cruise Director.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I can offer empathy but not solutions: At Thanksgiving we rented a beach house with extended family and I did all the cooking, shopping, and meal planning. People wanted to take me out as a thank you. Thanks but it’s probably easier if I cook breakfast, how about this dish? No, no, we want to make it easy on you: all you have to do is research all the area restaurants, figure out which ones are open this holiday weekend, work through the distance/style/price/menu options to identify the three options you think the rest of us are most likely to enjoy, explain them, explain them again because some people weren’t listening the first time, and it will be so much easier on you!

      And they meant it.

      1. Artemesia*

        LOL It is like the husband who don’t know that it isn’t ‘helping’ unless you take ownership of the task i.e. decide what to have for dinner, shop for it or make sure it is on the shopping list and make it.’ The planning executive functions are the harder part of most tasks.

        1. KR*

          Ugh this! My partner is big on “How can I help you?” And I love that I can ask him to do things and that if he has a beer or two on a Thursday night his natural inclination is to clean but sometimes I just want him to see that something is messy and clean it!

          1. Mallory Janis Ian*

            That’s when I quote that one commercial and tell him, “Look with your special eyes!” It’s become an inside joke between us for when one of us is overlooking something that the other thinks is obvious.

      2. Wendy Darling*

        I just had a flashback to going out with my parents. They always want me to decide where we go to eat. They both have major and somewhat mutually exclusive health-related dietary restrictions. I eat anything that isn’t cheese, eggs, or a cephalopod. They insist I know the area better, even though they’ve lived here four years now and all I do is go on Yelp and look at reviews and menus.

    3. Reba*

      That sounds annoying! But FWIW if I were your friends, I really would not have thought to suggest restaurants without your prompting (unless there was a particular one I was passionate about). Since you started the planning I would have assumed it to be your thing—though I probably would have checked in with you about the dinner plans sooner. I think fposte’s wording is excellent, as ever.

      Hope you still enjoy the show!

    4. BeautifulVoid*

      I feel your pain and I don’t think you’re out of line for being a little miffed, but I’ll also say that I became happier and less irritated by my friends when I fully accepted my role as The Planner. My 30th birthday was tons of fun and exactly what I wanted…because I planned everything.

  10. Blah*

    Does anyone have advice for increasing self-esteem? Self-help books, courses… *anything*. A combination of factors (heavily including not finding a job) has just wrecked how I feel about myself and it’s really starting to be a problem.

    1. Airedale*

      Volunteering. Something that makes you feel needed, and gives you a second of knowing you made a positive difference, which is empowering. Just dog walking at an animal shelter gave me that.

      Personally, taking care of my appearance, home and meals boosts my self-esteem, too. For “home,” trying to be more minimalist has made a big difference to me.

      I also have a Pinterest board of people who inspire me, real and fictional. A lot of them “started from the bottom” so it’s nice to look at when I feel like I’m…at the bottom.

      Making something, like crafts or cooking or woodworking or whatever you want.

      And this sounds bad, but also recognizing that most people who actually seem really confident have tons of their own demons. I’m not rooting for someone to have hidden problems, but it can make you feel less alone.

      I know this is tired advice, but I’m just sharing what I wish I’d known earlier. Good luck.

      1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

        Echo taking care of appearance. One of the things that helped pull me out of a really nasty bout of mental badness was starting to wear makeup on a daily basis. I don’t anymore because I decided I’d rather sleep for an extra half hour, but for a while it was really fabulous for a mental pick-me-up.

        1. TootsNYC*

          my daughter had a self-care checklist that said, “put on armor,” meaning makeup.

    2. Junior Dev*

      I like the app “Mood Space” for this. It has some simple daily writing exercises you can do to challenge negative thoughts and acknowledge positive stuff.

      Another thing you can do is take 10 minutes every day to write down 3 things you did that day that you’re proud of. Can be something big or small. Even stuff like “I got to work 5 minutes early” or “I had a good conversation with the cashier at the grocery store” or “I put the dishes away.”

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Thanks for the recommendation of the Mood Space app. I started using it yesterday as soon as I saw your post. I made a journal entry in it today and identified eight different kinds of “warpy thinking” relating to just one minor incident, so apparently I have my work cut out for me . . . :-)

    3. Loopy*

      Volunteering at something I loved helped me so so so so much when I was feeling like I had NO self esteem and struggling with depression. I highly recommend finding something you enjoy.

    4. Andrea*

      1. Build some wins into your day. Like making your bed, filing stuff, cleaning a space. It helps to see yourself as an effective actor.
      2. Walk or exercise. Listen to good podcasts that help you get out of a negative head space.
      3. Reward yourself. An iced coffee for applying for jobs, planning a get together with friends that you can look forward to.
      4. Stay connected to people who love you.
      5. Look for ways each day to be kind, helpful or useful to other people.

    5. Belle di Vedremo*

      One that hasn’t been mentioned: Look at your friends and the family who choose to spend time with you. If you respect their opinions then you need to accept their opinions of you, too.

      Seconding the benefits of volunteering you enjoy and of physical exercise that you’re happy to get. Eg, animal shelters are usually looking for volunteers to help keep things cleaned up, to walk dogs, to socialize cats, and to help keep things cleaned up (that’s often the greatest need to fill, hence listing it twice). Volunteer tasks that leave one with a visible accomplishment can help with the “what am I doings?” This got sorted out, that got written, this many dogs got walked, this stretch of riverbank got cleaned up, etc etc.

      Internet hugs.

    6. Not That Jane*

      Here are some of mine.
      1) exercise. I don’t do it to lose weight, so I’m not talking about that aspect of it. I just love the endorphin rush of having gotten my heart rate up for 20 minutes or so.

      2) therapy. My therapist actually asked me at my last appointment, “Do you still need therapy?” Which was really nice to hear after four years :) I originally went to cope with persistent fears that my husband would leave me, my friends secretly hated me, etc.

      3) doing something positive every day that is lasting. By that I mean, it’s really easy to get into a rut where all I do is dishes, laundry, diaper changes, vacuuming, i.e. stuff that will just have to be done again tomorrow. So I’ve found that it really helps me to plan something more permanent to accomplish every day. For me that has included creating curriculum for my school, teaching for a day, doing something nice for a friend, donating old clothes, etc.

      1. Not That Jane*

        Here’s some more! I’ve also heard good things about:
        – the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns (includes CBT-based exercises)
        – the website Superbetter (gamification of recovery from mental or physical malaise)

        1. London Calling*

          Definitely a vote for David Burns here. I love his attitude of ‘why feel bad when I can help you to feel good?’ plus another vote for a journal of what you’ve achieved each day, even if it’s just ‘got out of bed.’ I write a gratitude journal and it’s amazing what there is in your life to make you feel better even on a really sucky day.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Our routines for ourselves and our homes can be a way of showing respect for ones self. In turn, that show of self-respect can be very strengthening.
      Also investing in ourselves is a way of building ourselves up. That investment can be to learn a new skill or teach ourselves on a new topic.

      However, for something like not finding a job you may be able to reclaim parts of yourself just by reading happy stories or reading stories of other people’s success after a long period of no success. I know when I have gone through intense periods of job hunting I had to be careful what I read/watch for leisure. I benefited from things that pull me outside my own normal routine thoughts/thinking.

    8. Emma*

      When I was having a hard time, it was helpful to exercise and train for a race. I’m not fast or anything- this was the type of training where you run x amount x times per week to build up to x distance. It was nice to feel like my body could do something, when everything else was out of control.

      I second others’ ideas of volunteering. When I didn’t have a job, finding some steady volunteer work helped (in my case, a political campaign). It gave me a sense of purpose and reminded me I could be good at things.

      Finally, taking on little projects. When I didn’t have a job I had a hard time with identity. When I did things like bake focaccia bread for the first time, I could be like- I’m now a person who bakes focaccia bread & I’m actively improving my life.

      Hang in there. Jobless times can be hard.

    9. Minta*

      2 things that work for me:

      Mindful self-compassion and CBT exercises help me.

      For self-compassion resources, look up Kristin Neff.

      One of my favorite re-set exercises (based in CBT) is the Daily Mood Log. http://www.burdenbearersdv.com/documents/Daily_Mood_with_example.pdf
      Think about one upsetting event or situation. Write it at the top. Rate how you’re feeling/the emotions you’re experiencing. Identify what kinds of distortions you may be applying, using the included chart. Take a breather. Then go back and rate the emotions/how you’re feeling again and see how they have or haven’t changed. It’s a great way to stymie rumination and spiraling thought.

      Both are great ways of putting space and time in between stressors, stressful thoughts, and reactions. Best wishes.

  11. Update on he wants a baby*

    He finally responded to my filing for divorce. A little background first. Where I live, either both people have to agree to divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences or one has to prove before a judge that the other has done of one a few things, such as abuse, abandonment, cruelty, or adultery, to justify the divorce. My husband’s response was that there were no irreconcilable differences and no other reasons for divorce, so the judge should dismiss the case with prejudice and make me pay his attorney’s fees. If the divorce is granted, he goes on, he should be granted alimony, relocation expenses, and money to cover counseling. He has a living wage job, though it is lower paid than mine, we’ve been married less than two years, and have no children. To make matters worse, this response came on my birthday and four weeks after my filing. Signature dates were the day before, but still. . .

    I am so confused and upset. I know he doesn’t want it to be over, but I’m not sure how anyone can believe that any relationship that must be enforced by judicial order is ever going to be good. The other thought is that the request for dismissal is a bargaining tactic. I also feel like he is not the person I thought he was or a good person. I divorced once before and my feeling, then and now, is that each party takes from the divorce what they brought to the marriage and what they earned during it. He made good money for the first one and I didn’t. I was headed back to school and about to take out loans to support that. I still didn’t think I was entitled to his money just because I had been married to him. In my current marriage, I had had some thoughts occasionally about being used and now I feel really used. All he seems to want is my money.

    1. Saturnalia*

      I’m so sorry :-( when I got divorced it also really surprised me how much my husband (who made 3x what I did) became suddenly attached to all our stuff. In his case, sooo many of his guy friends were telling him (sometimes within earshot of me) that women are all out to take advantage of men in a divorce so he shouldn’t trust me or let me have anything.

      I had more of a mindset like you. He made more, so he kept his money. We bought both cars off his family, so he kept both cars. Our furniture was hand me down from his parents (wedding gift) so he kept that too. He kept the house we were renting – I couldn’t afford to live there. Then he started asking for my stuff. He had logic and self righteous man anger, and I valued my freedom over my possessions… So he got to keep some expensive musical equipment my parents had given me for a high school birthday. I ended up homeless for a few months while I saved for a down payment on a rental.

      It’s like the narrative of “women screw over men in the divorce” is so strong for some men, that they super overcompensate the other way.

      Good luck, friend. You will make it out the other side. Sending positivity your way.

      1. WellRed*

        Oh lordy. This reminds me of when a friend split from her husband (he didn’t want the split). Not only did he get half her childhood christmas ornaments, he also wanted the fancy drawer and cupboard knobs from the kitchen, even though she stayed in the house. Kitchen knobs!

        1. Windchime*

          My ex insisted that he should get to keep my sewing machine. So I let him keep it and bought myself a better one.

          1. Red Reader*

            Mine moved out with what we had agreed he’d take, but came back when I was packing to move out of the apartment myself and stole a bunch of my stuff out of already-packed boxes. (They wouldn’t change the locks for me because he was still on the lease; we separated a month before the lease ended.)

    2. Myrin*

      Ugh, that’s horrible, I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

      (And without actually knowing much about divorce laws, wtf is up with that one in your case? So if one person just doesn’t like their partner anymore and wants to divorce but the partner declines then they just… have to stay married for all eternity?)

      1. Update on he wants a baby*

        Fortunately, usually the judge also realizes it’s ridiculous and grants the divorce. But I agree with the WTF.

        1. blackcat*

          Yeah, and most judges will also go WTF at an alimony request for a short marriage, particularly if both partners have been working the entire time.

          (BIL is currently going through this. The judge actually laughed at his wife’s request for alimony. She made about 2/3rds of what he did and has kept the same job since before they were married. They have been married 6 years, no kids. On the other hand, though, one of my friends who paid off her ex’s med school loans will get alimony until he has paid back what she paid off–like 80k. They were only married 5 years, and she makes okay money, but she apparently convinced the judge that her ex literally married her for her ability to pay off his med school loans. Ex was a dick *to* the judge, and that never ends well.)

    3. Dan*

      Ok…

      I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I had an ex that I had to pay to go away. Yes, I believe in these kinds of situations the spouse who wants the divorce is in a weaker bargaining position, and is generally going to have to pay to get the thing over with, fair or not. It’s why I’m less likely to get married again, or if I do, kick the tires long and hard so I have a damn good idea what I’m getting into.

      But… your feelings on how things “should” go have nothing to do with this. The law is the law, for better or for worse. I agree with you that short marriages without children shouldn’t obligate the higher income spouse to too much, especially when no children are involved and the other spouse still makes a living wage. But what you and I think has no bearing on the situation — it’s what your other spouse and the judge thinks that matters.

      How long was your first marriage? Have you thought about talking about much of this with a therapist yourself?

    4. fposte*

      I can’t remember–do you have a lawyer? Because if you do, that’s the person you listen to about what’s likely to happen, not your ex. Even if you don’t have a lawyer (if you’re going to have a contested divorce, as it sounds like, you absolutely should), you just don’t listen to your ex. (He thinks a judge is going to dismiss a court filing *with* prejudice? Like, you can never divorce him? I am, shall we say, dubious. He thinks a judge is going to grant spousal support for an under two-year marriage with between two wage-earners? He’ll be very lucky to even get a little resettlement money.)

      It is true that not everybody and not every court is going to share your belief about going out with what you came in, and what happened in your first divorce is not going to be a factor in how things get handled on this one. What you’re really seeing here, I think, is how angry people can get when they’re told they can’t have want they want. And that’s yet another good reason for a lawyer to help you make dispassionate decisions–like, if it’s cheaper to offer him $2k relocation as going away money than to have two years of contested divorce.

      I’m sorry the disentangling is so fraught, but just persevere, and think about how much better things will be in a few months when this is all done.

      1. CityMouse*

        Seconding talking to a lawyer. If your legal system is anything like the one in my area, people can claim whatever they want in a filing and often make absurd claims, and the judge and his clerk are pretty good at cutting through the crap.

        I am so sorry that the system is this crappy. I really can’t understand legal systems that keep people in marriages when they don’t want to be married anymore.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          This is important to note, the judge and clerk HAVE seen all the tactics while the person in question may be totally convinced that NO ONE ever before him has thought of this.
          The judge is aware that things don’t happen in a vacuum. People don’t get up one day a file for divorce, or file a law suit or anything else because all is going well. That just does not happen.

          I have a good ending story of a friend who filed for divorce. Like you, OP, are saying the ex wanted this, that and all that over there. She was concerned, but the judge saw right through it all. She landed in a good spot.

          You’re soon-to-be ex tipped his hand and showed who he really is. That is what happened here.

      2. Update on he wants a baby*

        The only reason I brought up my first divorce was because it illustrates that my personal values around who gets what are not due to my better financial situation in this case. Otherwise, I feel like it just sounds like I’m saying one should keep what one has because it is to my benefit. It is a belief I held to even when I came out the worse for it. It has no legal bearing, though.

    5. Update on he wants a baby*

      For those who are concerned, yes I have a lawyer. I know my feelings have nothing to do with the law and my lawyer, the judge, and the law determine the outcome, not my feelings. I still have my feelings, though. I’m using the legal system for my legal issues and friends, family, my therapist, and this board for my feelings.

      1. Belle di Vedremo*

        We’re in your corner. Hope that being out means that you don’t have to spend much time with him any more, and that if you do that your lawyer will be keeping you company for most of it. Good for you for finding a therapist for this part of your walk; you’re doing a good job of taking care of yourself even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

      2. fposte*

        Oh, I’m glad! We’re happy to help with your feelings; I was just worried that your interests weren’t getting the same level of attention.

        It’s hard to go from paying a lot of attention to somebody to learning to ignore him, but if you can do that I think you’ll find it helps this process.

        1. Update on he wants a baby*

          I’m staying with a friend and trying to ignore him. Unfortunately, there’s work going on in the house to fix damage from a leak. I have to manage that and communicate to him what is going on. We started with him managing it because he was living in the house, but he couldn’t do it. That will be done tomorrow and then I will be able to do a much better job of ignoring him.

          And thank you all for your support.

    6. neverjaunty*

      He’s an entitled ass and he’s going to be even more of an entitled ass until you guys split, because he’s losing control and his ego took a hit. He’s going to front and push and be aggressive about “I want” this and “I believe you owe me” that.

      And yes, it’s a bargaining tactic. Assume everything he does is either a bargaining tactic or an attempt to punish you emotionally unless your lawyer specifically tells you otherwise (i.e. “yes, the law says he is entitled to half of X”).

      1. Not So NewReader*

        My wise friend used to say, “You can tell how right on target you are by how big a push back you get.” Using this as a gauge, OP, you are right on target.

    7. Observer*

      I’m sure you are right, that it’s a bargaining chip. But I highly doubt he’s going to get what he asked for – that’s a bargaining gambit, too.

  12. Saturnalia*

    Just wanted to throw some love back at this community for being here, mostly kind and mostly awesome, talking about stuff I can read through to get out of my head when my head’s not a safe place to hang out. This and CA have gotten me through some hard times. I love how loquacious y’all are. When I’m up to my brainstem in anxiety, seeing over 500 comments on a post is BALM TO MY SOUL. I can safely get lost in an intelligent conversation until my brain is ready to behave.

    Internet hugs to anyone who needs one today. Today is a good day for me. I have hugs to go around :-)

  13. Marzipan*

    Last week I started injections in preparation for my upcoming round of donor egg IVF, and good lord have I felt awful this week! I never felt anything much when I was stimming for own-egg IVF, but for this I’m on a much bigger dose of the ‘don’t ovulate’ stuff than I had to take then. Next week I have a baseline scan and then I think the dose drops down, which will be better, I hope.

    In the meantime, I am pressing ahead with painting the stairs. I ripped the carpet up a couple of years ago and then kept procrastinating, and every time I didn’t get pregnant/had a miscarriage, I’d think ‘Well, at least you can still get the stairs painted! Wouldn’t want to do that if you were pregnant!’. So, if nothing else, I will at least come out of this with the stairs painted. (Ironically, I’m using terribly virtuous water-based paint which would probably be fine to use while pregnant). The walls are now done, I’ll start in on the skirting boards tomorrow, and next weekend it’s on to the stairs themselves…

    1. Optimistic Prime*

      I donated my eggs several years ago (I guess that would be…5 or 6 years ago now) and the hormones made me BONKERS. It was one of the most uncomfortable things I ever did, but I’m glad I did it, and I wish I could do it again (I have an IUD now). I like the idea of having helped a family :)

      1. Marzipan*

        Wow! You’re awesome!
        (I’d gladly do it except my eggs are old and shrivelled and crappy.)

      1. Marzipan*

        I’m sure I have a few decent ones rattling around in there somewhere, but last time I tried IVF with my eggs I just didn’t respond to stims, at all, even on the maximum dose. And then both times I got pregnant on my own I miscarried, and my consultant reckons my odds of miscarrying with my eggs would be 50/50 even if they did manage to coax some out of me. If I had all the money and time in the world then maaaaaybe I’d give it more tries with my eggs, but I think I’d just been mulling over the idea of moving to donor eggs for a while and found I was happy about it and ready to go for it.

          1. Marzipan*

            Yeah, I don’t have another half of the equation either! Solo effort. I realised one day that Mr Right was unlikely to suddenly fall from the sky (and even if he did, the timescales for him knocking me up were going to be problematic) so maybe I should just get on with it if I wanted to have a family.

            The thing that swung me, with donor eggs, was reading the parents of donor-conceived children talk about their kids and say basically, they couldn’t imagine being the parent of any other child than the awesome little person they knew, so ultimately they were glad they’d used a donor because that was the way they got to be that child’s parents.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              That makes sense to me, I guess. Come to think of it, I did see a video on FB with a woman who met her husband when she was like 49, and at 53 she had a baby with a donor egg. Her doctor was like, “Why not? You’re healthy. Go for it.” And I said something about the one good egg to my doctor when I went in recently. Instead of going, “AT YOUR AGE WHAT ARE YOU NUTS,” he said, “I think the oldest woman who had a baby naturally was 70. You could still do it.”

              OKAY THEN

              I’ve been told I should do IVF/go to a bank (isn’t people telling you what to do great!? :P), or adopt (I do know someone who did this for a very similar reason–she got tired of waiting), etc. etc. etc. But the thing is, I do NOT want to do it alone. Never did. I wanted to do it with someone I loved, who loved me back, and who wanted to make a family, and make it WITH ME. If I wanted to do it by myself, I would have already.

              If a fairy appeared to me and said, “You can have a wonderful handsome awesome kind fantastic husband and never be alone again, OR you can have a baby–but you can only pick one,” I would probably pick the husband. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting both. I just hate that people act like there is. I’m also sick of sitting next to friends who are like, “I want this,” and then they get it but I don’t. This has actually happened at least twice. Feels like I’m the catalyst for them but it’s never the other way round. :'{

              Anyway, good luck!! I hope it works out perfectly. Fingers crossed! \0/

  14. CAA*

    I had forgotten what a pain it is to learn a new keyboard layout when you change laptops! And I would like to know who thought it was a good idea to get rid of dedicated page up/page down/home/end keys? I use those keys a lot and this new Dell only has them as Fn + arrow keys. Since Fn is on the left, and the arrows are on the right, page down takes two hands now. There’s an Fn Lock key, but it only affects the top row, not the arrow keys. :-(

    On the bright side, I am enjoying the touch screen and that the whole thing folds over backwards to tablet mode. And that it’s super fast compared to the 7 year old machine it replaced. :-)

    1. Red*

      I got a new phone a couple days ago with a very slightly smaller screen (wouldn’t have even noticed, if not for the keyboard) and now I feel like I can’t type anymore, so I feel your pain!

      1. CAA*

        Yeah, I know I’ll get used to it, but right now I have to look at everything that’s not one of the standard keys because the reach is different and it’s slowing me down a bit.

    2. Mimmy*

      When I switched from PC to Mac a few years ago, I was so crushed at losing those navigational keys. I know, different situation, but I still feel your pain!

      Now, I’m a keyboarding instructor…and everyone is on a PC – oh how lovely it is to see those keys again! ;)

      1. CAA*

        I went through the PC to Mac switch at work a couple of jobs ago. It definitely took a while to get used to the more arcane things like using Cmd+Shift+F4 instead of having a PrintScreen key right there on the keyboard!

    3. Bryce*

      My new keyboard is slightly smaller than my old one, with a slightly larger caps lock key. I hit it ALL THE TIME when going for shift!

    4. Tris Prior*

      I feel your pain! I recently got a Chromebook to replace my dying Macbook. Despite being a diehard Mac person, I couldn’t justify $2 grand plus for a new Macbook when I have a desktop Mac that does all the heavy graphic design lifting and I was primarily going to use this for Internet.

      It has no caps lock key. None. Where caps lock should be, is a Search key that brings up Google. This has been such a huge WTF. Way worse than the mild annoyance of having to use Ctrl instead of the nonexistent Cmd key (mac only).

      1. TootsNYC*

        ooh, I’m glad to read this!

        I’m contemplating buying a Chromebook, but I’m going to want to type into Google Drive.
        I’ll watch for the keyboard arrangement.

    5. Blister in the Sun*

      I find that it really is worth it to buy a full-sized keyboard for your laptop for when you use it at work or at home. But that’s just me.

      1. CAA*

        Oh I have one of those attached to the docking station on DH’s desk. I just like to sit on the sofa with my legs stretched out and the laptop on my lap. I think I just have to get used to scrolling on the touch screen instead of with the keys.

    7. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I feel ya. 5 years ago my home was robbed. I got a replacement laptop and for some reason, didn’t notice that the keyboard had a number pad on it, all on the right side. I typed very askew for several years, with my hands off center and constantly hitting the wrong keys. Maddening! Thankfully (??) the battery on that laptop decided to fall out every time I picked it up, so I had to procure yet another laptop. You can bet I looked specifically at the keyboard layout!

      1. CAA*

        Oh my gosh! The battery falling out thing is exactly the reason I finally replaced my old HP laptop that had the full number pad and dedicated scrolling keys with this new Dell. The keyboard on the HP never bothered me, but I still have no idea what broke and caused the battery to start falling out all the time.

        As an aside, do not attempt to hold a laptop battery in with duct tape. The heat melts the adhesive and then it gets all over everything. Clear shipping tape works much better!

  15. Myrin*

    Chronic sore throat!

    My throat always hurts, a concept that seems to be surprisingly difficult for about any physician to understand. (“What do you mean, you always have a sore throat?” “Well. I always have a sore throat?”) I already had this when I was still in school, so I’ve been dealing with this for at least eight years.

    I’ve seen various doctors (ENTs as well as not) about this over the years and all of them were stumped – none of them could see any swelling, inflammation, redness, or injury and I’m just about at my wits’ end. It’s not super horrible (unless I get an additional sore throat because of an illness – then it is extremely horrible) and it’s usually a little scratchy feeling in the back of my throat that I can more or less ignore but it’s just so irritating and I want it gone!

    Does anyone have any experience with something like this?

    Could it be a fungus? I’m not sure how visible that would be but in case it wouldn’t, could it just in general be something you’d need to take a sample from my throat for? (Because if so, I’m gonna insist on that the next time I see my regular doctor.)
    Could it have something to do with my vocal chords? Because I know my grandma (the one who died last week) had lifelong problems with her chords which had also altered her voice and she found that out when she was about my age, but I don’t know if she had chronic sore throats as well or if that was just something that manifested through her voice.
    Any other ideas about wth is going on there?

    (As a sidenote, I’m underwhelmed by all of the doctors I saw. I’d expect them to not just look into my throat twice and then shrug and declare they have no clue. I’ve known all these physicians for years, why did no one but my regular ENT try to dig deeper and actually find out what’s wrong?)

    1. Toph*

      It could be acid reflux, or if you have mild seasonal allergies, post-nasal drip but not enough that you notice or feel congestion or runny-nose like, but still happening enough to irritate your throat. If you’ve been to ENT’s and they didn’t suggest either, I’m probably wrong, but I’ve had sore-throat-with-no-other-symptoms on a handful of occasions before and both of these were frequently suggested.

      2. JulieBulie*

        Seconding postnasal drip, per my own experience; and seconding acid reflux on behalf of a couple of coworkers who ended up with very hoarse voices due to damage from the acid.

    2. Georgia Girl*

      I’ve had a sore throat and dry cough for four years, and one possible cause suggested by my doctor was silent reflux (http://www.webmd.com/heartburn-gerd/guide/laryngopharyngeal-reflux-silent-reflux). I saw a GI doctor, and it didn’t really help, but maybe you want to rule that out? Also, this book was helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Chronic-Cough-Enigma-recognize-neurogenic/dp/1940561000. I realize coughing isn’t your issue, but the book talks about vocal cord problems.

    3. JKP*

      2 suggestions. First, my mom developed this issue, went to many doctors who were equally stumped, and then did a bit of research on her own and discovered that it was listed in the small print as a possible side effect to one of the medications she had been prescribed. When she asked the doctor who prescribed the medication, he didn’t realize it was a side effect to that medication. He did some more research and changed her prescription, and her sore throat went away.

      Second, I have had a few clients come to me (as a hypnotist) with that same issue after seeing a multitude of doctors who had no idea how to help them. This may not apply to you, but the clients who got results had been constantly clearing their throat as a coping mechanism, which then kept their throat chronically sore. Once I helped break them break the habit of frequently clearing their throat, their throat healed up.

    4. fposte*

      I’m speaking from the American health care system here, but I’d actually expect that to be even more interventionist. Even here, a very mild chronic condition that hasn’t interfered with life and hasn’t advanced over a fairly long time isn’t something doctors are going to consider is worth poking around more deeply for. Every thing they do to you brings its own risk and carries a cost, and there are things that just don’t repay the information-seeking. Doctors aren’t really devoted to solving puzzles but to making sure your engine keeps running and the heater operates properly.

      It could be a fungus, but it’s not that likely; annoyed throats are pretty common just from mechanical stuff, whether it be nasal drainage (they’re a common component of allergies) or perhaps even just an anatomical quirk. There’s also medications–I have eyedrops now that give me a scratchy throat in my sleep.

      But mostly, I think you’re expecting the wrong thing of doctors. They’re really not there to wrestle every question to the ground, just to intervene when those questions bug you. I find the older I get, the more I encounter medical situations where they never know for sure what the problem is even if it’s more serious; sometimes it’s because it’s genuinely unknowable and sometimes it’s because it makes more sense to do the treatment or intervention, and then if it works, we don’t need to know. Initially that frustrated me too, since I like answers, but I’m getting to the shrugging point.

      1. neverjaunty*

        “Even here, a very mild chronic condition that hasn’t interfered with life and hasn’t advanced over a fairly long time isn’t something doctors are going to consider is worth poking around more deeply for”

        ….which is why malpractice lawyers will always have work :(

        1. Artemesia*

          Actually almost noone wins a malpractice award for things undone. It is damages done by those unnecessary tests, or positive errors. Doing nothing is rarely compensable. My husband is nearly blind because an opthamologist ‘watched and waited’ until it was too late to save his sight. I know someone who died of an aneurysm after being sent home from the ER with Advil; it was operable if they had acted when he went to the ER with the ‘worst headache of his life.’ He was dead 8 hours after they sent him home. His widow sued and got nothing becuase the doctor didn’t DO anything to harm him.

        2. fposte*

          That’s not malpractice, that’s reasonable practice. You really don’t want to die from exploratory surgery for something that was never going to hurt you. A new symptom or a growing symptom is another matter, but most human bodies have weird and suboptimal things going on somewhere; it really doesn’t make health or health-care sense to pin them all down.

          1. neverjaunty*

            There are a lot of options to take another look at chronic conditions (which can be symptoms of more serious conditions) beyond exploratory surgery. Human bodies definitely have their quirks, but “The Doctor Said It Was Probably Nothing” would go on a lot of headstones.

            1. fposte*

              In some cases, sure. But in cases where it’s a very mild symptom and it’s gone on for years and not changed at all, that’s really not all that likely.

    5. ABL*

      I had something similar for about a year after I moved somewhere that made my allergies worse. Turned out it was “post nasal drip.” Gross out warning here, sorry… basically my nose was dripping into the back of my throat while I slept. A prescription nasal spray for allergies solved it for me. Good luck!

    6. mreasy*

      My ex had this, and it turned out he had a chronic throat sore (like a canker sore, but in his throat). He started taking lysine supplements on his doctor’s advice, and it healed.

    7. Anon attorney*

      Random thought: I sometimes develop a sore throat when suppressing tears or any expression of difficult emotion. I’ve discussed it with my therapist who said this was a common enough connection between emotion and body. She said there was research on this but I didn’t look it up and now can’t remember details. Could this be a factor?

      1. GirlwithaPearl*

        Your throats chakra is being blocked when you don’t say what you want or need to! Iv had this cause a sore throats for me.

    9. nep*

      Just putting this out there because reminded of it. Can’t vouch for it, but a former landlord had chronic sore throat. His doctor couldn’t nail down a cause. He started taking black seed oil and said the throat problem completely went away. Doctor was amazed.

    10. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Have you had allergy testing? I discovered my sinus, ear and throat troubles were ultimately caused by a number of allergies.

    11. Myrin*

      Add-on because many comments mention it: I’ve been allergy-tested several times (both throughout my whole life and particularly during the last year) and, like I expected, I don’t have any allergies whatsoever. I mean, I guess I could have something really obscure and rare, you never know, but my gut tells me that that’s not it.

      I also had septum surgery in April (so I’d say it’s not nasal drip, either), partly because my ENT thought it might help with the sore throat. It didn’t.

    12. Ron McDon*

      I have this issue at the moment – well, a long term sore throat but combined with fatigue and hoarseness.

      An ongoing sore throat can be an indicator of lots of conditions (such as glandular fever, anaemia, thyroid problems, ME), but for these conditions one would usually have other symptoms, which you have not mentioned you have?

      If the only symptom you have is a sore throat (no associated tiredness, hoarseness, fever etc), then Doctors probably won’t want to spend a lot of time/money looking for the cause, as it is unlikely to be causing you physical harm; it’s just irritating.

      If you have other symptoms – even if you don’t think they’re related to your sore throat – you should definitely go back to your Doctor and see if they think it should be investigated further.

      In the absence of any other symptoms, post-nasal drip (as suggested by others here) seems to be the most likely explanation.

      It’s frustrating to have something wrong and not know why, I do feel for you.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      Have you lived in the same residence right along? Am thinking maybe there are environmental causes?

    14. Observer*

      Get the book Dropping Acid. If it’s not post-nasal drip, then this is an EXTREMELY likely cause for what you are experiencing. And the good news is that you can test this on your own, very safely as it doesn’t require medication, or anything like that.

    15. ..Kat..*

      Probably not a fungus. That would not stay localized to your throat, but instead spread up into your oral cavity. Plus, someone looking down your throat should be able to see fungus/yeast. It is disgusting and obvious.

    16. DanaScully*

      I don’t know if you have any other symptoms, but a chronic sore throat can be a symptom of Myalgic Encephalopathy AKA Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

    17. Jackie*

      I had a sore throat that came and went, visited my GP and an ENT doctor. I had tests and nothing was found. But one time I saw a white spot on my tonsil. I found out it was tonsilloliths or tonsil stones. They can be painful and sometimes you just can’t see them. That was the cause of my sore throat.

  16. the gold digger*

    Planner married to a Procrastinator trying to leave for a ten-day trip where we need to take all our food with us. Planner thinks we could have debouched the charcoal from the huge Costco bag into smaller bags earlier this week. (Planner also wonders if it was worth the 25 cents Procrastinator saved to get the huge bag.)

    Planner thinks Procrastinator could have staged frozen foods earlier in the week. And selected and packed clothes. Etc. Etc.

    However, if Planner and Procrastinator can remain married (even though Planner hissed to Procrastinator, as she is holding the microwave up and dripping sweat while he tries to find the screwholes, “I WANT A DIVORCE AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW!”) through a minor kitchen renovation, I guess we can survive this.

    2. CAA*

      Hang in there! This week my procrastinator actually said “I think your idea to try test packing early before our 3-week trip to Europe is a good one” (this is the longest trip we’ve ever done with carry-on luggage only). You could have knocked me over with a feather as I fully expected to be up until 1:00 AM the night before we leave listening to him trying to figure out what to bring.

    3. Artemesia*

      Part of every long trip we take is buying clothes for my husband because he didn’t pack what he needed, getting prescription drugs for my husband because he forgot the pills, coping with the fact that he forget his hearing aids etc etc. I have learned to just let him solve it when we get there.

    4. Not That Jane*

      Makes me a bit sad that Planner is female and Procrastinator is male. Because… Planning is emotional labor! And (generally, on average) women in relationships with men do more of the emotional labor.

  17. Charlotte*

    I’m starting my first full-time job after college in a few months, and my partner and I have to move several states away for it. I’m not too worried about the move itself (already jettisoned most of our stuff moving from school) but would love advice on what to look for in an apartment, or which features aren’t worth the money. In college I had such a tight budget that I just picked the best I could find of a cheap bunch, but with a salary I’ll be able to afford a little more. I don’t want to be wasteful, but would love a happy medium between that and living somewhere with major issues just for the sake of squeezing an additional dollar or two. Any advice would be so so appreciated.

    1. Airedale*

      First, congrats on your job!

      I’m four years out of college, have lived in 3 apartments in 2 states during that time, first alone and now with my boyfriend. So here’s what I wish I’d thought more of:

      – Commute to work, for both of you. If you’ll need to take a bus, is that nearby? (Ask the landlord or use Google Maps to check)
      – I used to prefer living in an old, crappy apartment in a cool neighborhood, vs a nice, new place that’s out of the way of the trendy spots. Not anymore! “Shabby-chic with character” (a.k.a. old) wears off REAL fast; it is not as cute as Urban Outfitters makes it look. Go for a place built this millennium if you can :)
      – Parking. Will you be ok parallel parking, parking a few blocks away if needed, or scraping snow off your car if there’s no garage access?
      – Laundry – if it’s not in your actual apartment, at least in the building.
      – Dishwasher. For me, not having one is a deal breaker. Ditto for central air conditioning.
      – Guest room. Not essential – a lot of recent grads don’t have one – but nice to have if you can afford it.
      – Hiring movers is sometimes worth it, especially in a new state where you don’t have friends to help, and you’re moving furniture up several flights of stairs. I did read one article that said to have a backup moving company’s number ready in case they don’t show up. (Fun)
      – In our experience, renting a moving van from Enterprise was significantly cheaper than U-Haul. (Although my dad’s employer had some kind of discount.)
      – When I moved to a new city, I commented here asking for advice, and got SO many tips! Remember to do that.

      It all works out, though. Things will go wrong when you move, but just laugh about it and be kind to each other, and remember when it’s over you get to enjoy your brand new neighborhood! Good luck.

      1. Liz*

        These are all good, key points!
        Location is so important. I know the commute and access to groceries, activities, etc are first priority for me.
        Getting to work and getting food without a lot of hassle is important to me. And you need a place to park the car(s). After that it is laundry, dishwasher, and appearance.

        I left out AC because I live in south Florida and cannot even imagine life without it anymore, I just assume it is there!

      2. Julianne*

        Also possibly relevant re: parking: if you are apartment-hunting in a place where it snows and you’ll be parking on the street, be on the look out for signs about winter parking restrictions, or check them out online. Last time we moved, we almost rented a place on a street that prohibited parking during snow emergencies and I vetoed it, in part, because of that. Our area gets enough big snowstorms that I just didn’t think I could deal with fighting the rest of the neighborhood for parking during blizzards, even if it would only be for a week or two per year.

        1. amanda_cake*

          This is an excellent point. I have to park on the street at my current place, but when it snows downtown residents are advised to park in one of the city’s garages or parking lots (if these are usually pay for parking spots they remove the fee for the duration of the storm.

          Last winter (my first winter in this place) it didn’t snow a lot so I’m worried about this year. One of the free parking lots is an extremely short walk from my house, so I will definitely try to get in there if they advise us to park else where. I can walk to work. I work in higher ed on a campus that rarely closes, so I will likely have to report to work unless it snows so deep a giraffe’s rear would be covered. It wouldn’t be a fun walk, but likely might be better than trying to drive.

        2. blackcat*

          This can even be an issue for streets that do allow parking during snow. My street runs parallel to one and perpendicular to two streets that do not allow parking during significant snow storms. My street also only allows parking on one side of the street during snow storms. If just the folks who lived on my street parked all on one side, it would be fine (most folks have off street parking for 1 car, so it’s just the households with 2+ cars that park on the street). During snow emergencies, parking on my street is terrible! And the folks who don’t actually live on my street but park on it are SUPER INCONSIDERATE about where they put the snow when they shovel off their cars. Like they put the snow from their car onto the newly shoveled sidewalk, because they figure the sidewalk isn’t their problem. Or they put in into people’s cleared driveways.

          I hate it. It’s basically my one complaint about my neighborhood.

      3. 2e*

        I’d also consider:
        – What the building/neighborhood is like at various times of day (quiet or loud? crowded or completely deserted?), especially if you expect to sometimes work late and commute home.
        – If you can, turn on the shower tap to see if it sputters or anything weird – this can say a lot about not only the water pressure but also the general state of repair a building is kept in.
        – If there are any building conditions or rules you care about, are they actually enforced? And is that a good or bad thing? For example, my building is technically “no pets allowed” but quite a few people have small dogs. Doesn’t bother me, but it was nice to know in advance.

      4. Parenthetically*

        Oh goodness, yes, shabby-chic/charming/characterful quickly gets annoying when the floor creaks, the windows are drafty and rattle, you can hear your neighbor sneeze, there’s no insulation so your heating bill is $$$…

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Come up with a rough budget and go look at three places that meet it. It really helps calibrate what $X/month looks like in this region, which could be far off your college options in either direction. Block out all advice from people who are sure that there are many far more fabulous apartments available for a fraction of the cost, based on their memories of looking for an apartment 15 years ago in a different state.

      A lot of it then comes down to “when we walked through this place I wanted to live here.” But being able to analyze what led to that feeling helps. Start with Airedale’s list and expand–How inconvenient will laundry be? What’s the commute? Is there natural daylight (vs curtains closed against a wall 3 ft away) and how much do you care about that? Is it a walkable neighborhood (either for exercise or popping out to get milk) and how much do you care about that? How quiet is it? (When we were in Germany last year–yow, triple-paned glass. Incredibly quiet on top of the energy efficiency.)

      (The soundest advice I received house-hunting isn’t relevant to you–don’t bring young children. For concrete brain development reasons they are not able to picture the house without the scary dog or the cool race car set and you’re asking them for insight they can’t give you.)

    3. Mallows*

      I just moved 3 months ago to a building where a whole lot of stuff is not under my control. Water heater is shared. Climate control is provided via boiler/chiller (and a fireplace) and whether you are in heat or cool mode is decided by the landlord and is not changed for unseasonable weather. I’m not finding any of these things too troublesome thus far but they do require some adjustment; coming from the east coast, these things were totally alien to me.

      1. Parenthetically*

        THAT is a very important point — do I have total control over the temperature in my place or not? Even now, living in a condo I own, the system is changed over from boiler to chiller in the spring and from chiller to boiler in the fall, and it’s always a frustrating situation, especially in the spring when I’m sweltering on the top floor and no amount of fans-in-windows will cool me down!

    4. AcademiaNut*

      What I find is that the four big things are price, location, size and amenities. You can often get one of them, sometimes two, but not all of them. What you can get also depends wildly on where you will be living, which I find tends to be a major shock to people moving to higher cost of living areas when they find out how much they have to pay, how long their commute will be, and/or how small the place is.

      For me, I don’t have a car, so public transportation access is major – good routes to get to work, and to things like shopping, or weekend activities. And I find it makes a difference to be able to stop at a convenience store on the way home from the bus. A kitchen is important, as I like to cook, but things like a pool or a gym aren’t high priority. Size isn’t a huge issue, but having a separate bedroom is – I find a one room apartment a bit claustrophobic.

    5. New Bee*

      One thing to consider, depending on what utilities you pay for, is buying more “stuff” after you move. For example, if you’ll have coin-operated laundry, it’ll save money in the long-run to have several sets of towels, sheets, blankets, etc., instead of washing weekly. Same for pots, pans, and dishes. I’ve found great deals on both at Target and the Kohls clearance section.

    6. Pat Benetardis*

      Cross breezes! One of my first apartments was was in a building with apartments on both sides of the hall. All of the windows were on the same side of the apartment and it was difficult to get fresh air to circulate. It really bothered me and ever since that’s been something I’ve looked out for.

  18. katamia*

    I know you mostly can’t change people, but has anyone had any luck with training people to go to Google first rather than asking you? My parents constantly come to me with tech advice…on devices/websites/programs I’ve never used. I could sort of skate by with their phones because we all have Androids (even though mine is Samsung and theirs are LG, so not everything is the same), but my mom just got a tablet, and, dude, I don’t know how to do this stuff either!

    Then she gets annoyed when I don’t know how to do everything when if she Googled, she’d probably be able to find the answer and with much less irritation on everyone’s part. I’ll admit I don’t always react well to being asked for help because I haaaaaaaaaaaaaate being interrupted and their interruptions have been much more frequent within the last few months.

    1. Myrin*

      Through what medium are these interruptions happening? Do your parents live with your or near enough that they just bodily show up and demand you help them? Or is this happening via calling or messaging you? Because if the latter, I’d absolutely advice to conveniently not hear your phone or misplace it or to be so busy that it takes you ages to answer. Not guaranteed to help, but I’ve seen that happen successfully. If the former… hm. Is it at all possible to sit down with them and have this exact conversation with them? If they’re otherwise reasonable people, explaining that it’s frustrating for you and would be much easier for them to look stuff up might get through to them, although I obviously don’t know what your relationship is like otherwise.

      1. katamia*

        Nope. I live with them (until September, when, baring Wacky Visa Issues, I’m moving overseas, which is another reason why it’s so important that they be able to do things on their own–I’m genuinely not going to be very available to help them). I feel like I’ve been very explicit with them about how they need to not interrupt me (repeatedly saying things like “Don’t interrupt me”), and while they seem to understand me when I say it, they just…keep doing it. When I say it’s frustrating, they just come back with “Well, it’s frustrating for me when you do X.”

        I’m toying with, at first, telling them what to Google (I have excellent Google fu, theirs isn’t awful but is probably underdeveloped) and just letting it go from there, although then they’d probably ask me which result to look at. *sigh*

        1. Kristen*

          I like the idea of telling them what to google. Maybe say something like: “Oh, I’m not sure.” Seem very perplexed. Then, “you should try googling ‘how to change the background in Windows.'” Maybe they’ll start to get the idea after a while.

        2. TootsNYC*

          I’ll say this, as a parent with a child living with me: The reason you’re in my home, taking up space physically and psychologically is because you’re my family. So that means you need to interact with me–because that’s what families do.

          So I don’t really like hearing “don’t interrupt me,” and literally “you need to not interrupt me” would have me ballistic. Interacting with me is the price you pay for living in my home. I have never said to my kid, “You need to not interrupt me” unless I was on the phone.

          I get the “I need some space and privacy” thing, but unless you’re actually doing something that needs concentration, or you’re Skyping with a friend, I expect my child to be interruptible. My kid will sometimes say, “OK, I’m going to go unwind,” and I honor that “alone time.” But I would not be ok w/ being told, by the person living in MY home, that *I* “need to” do anything.

          I would just go for saying, “I don’t know, Mom–did you google it? I’m sure this is something you can find out as well as I can.”
          My mom used to say: “What would you do if I weren’t here, and you needed the answer?” Try that, maybe.

          Also, this may be a way of creating an interaction.

          1. katamia*

            It’s not their way of creating an interaction, trust me. I’m living at home right now for financial reasons, not because I actually want to, and we all recognize that it’s not ideal/what any of us want–we’d all be much happier if I were living elsewhere.

      2. WillowSunstar*

        Nope. I have a coworker who will always, always, always ask first, no matter what. Despite the fact that I have written up tons of documentation with click here-type instructions on our group drive and he has access to them, and has repeatedly been told to check there first, he still always, always, asks me.

        This is the guy who was following me around not just the first week, but several months into his newness, who I had to go to the boss regarding other inappropriate things about, and acts generally very strange sometimes.

    2. puzzld*

      Ah yes. The I taught you to eat with a spoon and to use the toilet ; You can teach me how to use this new fangled technology… predicament.

      I think you’ll just have to deal with it. I’ve managed it with people who didn’t give birth to me, only instead of google, I transfer them to the reference desk at our library, but mom gets snifty when I try that with her.

    4. kb*

      I had a similar problem. I actually sat them down and walked them through the process of Googling tech info because it turned out they were Googling very poorly. They were typing full paragraphs into Google which clearly wasn’t yielding the results they needed. I also showed them a few reliable websites they could reference. Before I left, I bought them an accordion folder to put all their gadget manuals and warranties in. When they realized they could ask Google anything and she wouldn’t snootily complain that she explained it to them last week, they came to really prefer Google.

      1. katamia*

        LOL. They’re not doing full paragraphs. It’s definitely just a few words. I think they just…don’t know how the Internet/Google thinks, I guess? Whereas Google has been a crucial part of my job for years, so I know what search terms are likely to give me good results. They also don’t seem to know what things are called (not that I always do, but I’m a better guesser, I guess).

        1. TootsNYC*

          Then maybe sit with them and teach them how to do it, each time they ask.

          of course, then they may ask more often simply to get to spend more time with you…

    6. Lady Bug*

      My grown children do that to me. I usually respond with How the f would I know, Google it!

    7. JKP*

      Totally relate. My mom calls for computer help all the time. I tried showing her some things and having her take notes step-by-step. But then if she doesn’t do it everyday, she still calls for help even with the notes.

      I think Amy Schumer’s Mom Computer Therapy skit sums it up perfectly:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6A331B1oq8

    8. Peanut*

      So this might or might not help, but before you move out, you could consider installing software on their devices (not phone, but laptop, computer, maybe tablet) to let you remotely control them from your own computer.

      I used TeamViewer, which is free for this type of use, and basically how it works is that I installed it and then showed my parents where it was on their devices and how to open it to find the password that they would need to give me when they inevitably called me for tech support.

      When they call me for help now, I log on my computer from my own home, enter their password (it changes every time), and can then see their desktop. They move their cursor around to show me what the problem is, then I take control of their device remotely (while they watch) and fix whatever it is.

      This was much easier for me to deal with because before doing this, I had difficulty figuring out what the problem was (English is not their first language), and even more difficulty explaining over the phone what to do to fix it. I am very impatient and would yell on the phone and then feel bad about it later. But this way, I could help them as quickly as possible and so we were all in better moods when done.

      Obviously, the best case scenario would have been if they could have learned to figure out how to solve their problems themselves, or what professional they could call. But realistically, I was not going to be able to train them out of calling me first, so this ended up being a workable compromise for us since I don’t live close enough to them to drop in.

    9. Retail Manager to Designer*

      Yes! I moved out almost ten years ago and just this spring my mother proudly told me that she googled something before bringing it up with me. To paint a picture, when I first left I was getting phone calls about how to change the printer ink.

      What seemed to help was, after getting some comment about “growing up with this stuff and learning it in school” (um, not so much the latter…), always telling her what I searched for and why. Plus, she was genuinely frustrated with herself for not knowing more.

  19. RKB*

    Washington readers! I’m doing a four-city trip in America in August (I’m Canadian) and Washington is the last leg of my tour. It’s also the only city where I’ll be alone. I plan on tackling the National Mall and the Museums but when I was looking around on Google Maps, there’s a TON of restaurants and I’m slightly overwhelmed!

    Tell me your faves!

    1. Katie the Fed*

      You mean DC, right? (I usually assume Washington is referring to the state, but since you mentioned the Mall I think you mean DC)

      What’s your budget for restaurants and what kind of food do you like?

    2. Free Meerkats (formerly Gene)*

      There’s a great Afghan restaurant near the zoo; IIRC, it’s called the Afghan Grill. Reasonably priced and the guy who owns the main Aghan restaurant here in Seattle (I work with his wife) recommended it to me when we were visiting 3 years ago.

      1. Kathenus*

        Second the recommendation of the Afghan Grill. I lived in the DC area for six years and came to love that restaurant, I really miss it. And save room for dessert – they have amazing Bastani – rosewater and cardamom ice cream topped with pistachios.

    3. Windchime*

      Yeah, I was all ready to tell you about the beautiful places to visit in Washington, till I saw the part about the National Mall.

    6. Tabby Baltimore*

      If you can access an online version of the Washington Post, you can read area reviews by its restaurant critic Tom Sietsema. He also hosts a weekly online chat about D.C.’s restaurant scene, so you should be able to find and search previous chat transcripts. During the chat, he provides recommendations to chatters w/specific needs (seeking a low decibel level for hard-of-hearing guests, seeking a specific type of cuisine in a particular area of town at a certain time of day or night, seeking good craft beers, where can a chatter go who’s budgeted only $X for a meal, etc.)

    7. Lo Squared*

      Lincoln and Founding Farmers were two restaurants I really enjoyed last time I was in DC.

  20. Katie the Fed*

    So, we adopted a cat earlier this year who hates me. She likes my husband but she really hates me. If I get close to her she runs away. She won’t let me pet or even come near her.

    She’s not a terribly affectionate cat, but she does allow my husband to pet her some.

    Any ideas what the issue is, and how I can fix them? My only theory is that I’m the one who cuts her claws because my husband is scared to do it (sighhhhhhh). Usually he holds her in place while I do her claws. But she seems to only blame me.

    I also don’t know if I might smell different now that I’m pregnant.

    Any ideas?

    1. fposte*

      1) it could be the clipping 2) you could smell different 3) she could just not like you. Not everybody likes everybody.

      I would, if possible, leave her the hell alone. If she doesn’t like you, interaction with you that she doesn’t initiate only firms that up. If you can be visibly the one to feed her, that probably wouldn’t hurt, but otherwise I’d stay away.

      You really haven’t had her that long. Cats often play the long game in relationships; assume you’re not going to see anything from her for a while and see what happens by this time next year. (Maybe she’ll like the baby best of all and give your husband the cold shoulder too, who knows.)

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Agree on both leaving her alone and the long game. One of our cats (adopted when we’d been married several years) you would swear had led a bachelor existence with my husband before I ruined it all, but when my husband started doing long business trips the cat eventually decided that he should keep on my good side since I was the only one who could open the wet food.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      Another vote for giving her time to warm up to you!

      My boyfriend’s kitten isn’t my biggest fan either. (And cats love me! ALL cats love me! Always!) I’ve been around a couple months the longer than she has (which I tell her) but she lives there (his response lol) and I think jealousy may play a role. She no longer has his undivided attention when I’m around!

      1. ValaMalDoran*

        When I first showed up at my then boyfriend (now husband)’s family’s house, one of the cats sat on him, and glared at me.

        2. Cafe au Lait*

          I adopted my cat two weeks before I met my husband. The first time he came over (two weeks after we first met, one month after adopting Arya), she jumped up on his side of the sofa, stomped over his lap, stomped over my lap, and sat down. Then she got up, and stomped over my lap again before settling between us.

          “My person,” she seemed to say “Keep your hands where I can see them.”

    3. QualityControlFreak*

      You very well may smell differently. The mare I rode when I was pregnant would put her muzzle against my belly and breathe in my scent (I’m sure she could feel the movement as well). She completely bonded with the kid, too. I’m not sure that’s much help, but if this is the problem at least it’s temporary.

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’m convinced that you can get any cat to come around if you’re willing to put in the time and patience. (But I spent 10 hours a day sitting on the floor in a room with Eve and her brothers for five weeks, so it’s possible I’m willing to do more of this than normal people are. And it’s also possible that I’m just wrong.) But have you tried treats? If you could be the sole giver of treats, that might help. Also, try playing with her with things that don’t require her to be right next to you — like toys at the end of a very long string. If she comes to associate you with food and toys, that might help … but expect it to take at least a few weeks of concerted effort (don’t stop if you don’t see results in a week, because you probably won’t).

      2. Windchime*

        I’ve had good luck with shy cats by just quietly sitting on the floor near them and not talking to them or looking at them. Once I’ve done that for awhile, I might start talking softly. But the key with cats is to have them come to you. Smelly treats might work (like tuna or canned food). It takes a strong, strong cat to resist the toy on a string that Alison mentions. Also, I would stop with the clipping for now because she just knows you as the Lady Who Does Things to my Toes. My cat is almost 6 years old and he still barely tolerates having his nails trimmed.

      3. NoMoreMrFixit*

        Nope, hate to say there are exceptions to this. Cats typically take one look at me and become my best friend. Except for my best friend’s cat. Which I have known since a kitten. And house-sat multiple times over the years. That four legged sociopath loves her family and hates everyone else on the planet. Especially me. After 15 years I have finally given up and accepted that there is actually a feline that truly hates the ground I walk on.

        Annoying thing is I am a cat person while my buddy is a dog person at heart.

      4. Emmylou*

        I agre — a lot of sitting on the floor not that interested in the cat. When my skitty emmylou was new the one time she would come out to paw at me was when I was sitting on a meditation cushion with my eyes closed. (It wasn’t a ploy, I really was meditating :-))

    5. Amy*

      Is it possible to have a groomer cut her claws? Perhaps a mobile groomer that comes to you? It may improve your relationship with your cat. We have a groomer cut our dog’s nails even though we are totally capable of doing it ourselves, because she completely freaks out. My husband sees how upset she is and gets upset himself, and the whole thing is just super stressful for everyone. Much easier to have a groomer be the bad guy – plus they’re usually faster and less likely to nick the quicks.

    6. Elkay*

      Are you the one who feeds her? That might help her associate you with good things (I’ve seen this advice from Jackson Galaxy).

      My parents adopted a cat and it took a good couple of years for her to settle properly in their house, give her time.

    7. anon24*

      Cats generally hate to be ignored. My female cat adores my husband and sometimes loves me and mostly hates me. When she is being a little pain I make a point to ignore her for however long it takes – even when she gets irritated and eventually begs me for attention. I just love on my other cat and ignore her for awhile (days, weeks, etc) until she calms back down and I decide I want to give her attention. You have to take away the power from her.

    8. Andrea*

      Girl cats tend to really like men. I think it has to do with their smell. Also, girl cats tend to be more loners and one person cats. I would suggest wooing strategies:

      1. Get the cat treats from Trader Joe’s. Shake the canister and call to her, giving her a treat. Be the only one to give her these treats and do it consistently. Associate the sound with it. After or while she is eating, talk to her and then rub her head.
      2. Invent and play games with her. Before meal time, take some dry kibble and throw them along the floor to chase and eat. Cats have a natural cycle of hunt, kill, eat, groom, sleep. The chasing before the real meal triggers the hunt and kill instinct. Our cats love it and it helps them run off energy.
      3. Be polite and offer your finger at eye level. It helps them initiate smelling and nose bonking (your fingertip mimicking a nose), which is how they greet one another. You can then offer your closed fist as a substitute cat head for her to rub, of just rub her head. Also, if you wear glasses, offer her the arms of the glasses to smell. It has your scent.
      4. Crib from your spouse. Where does she like to be rubbed?
      5. Spoil her with high value food such as tuna fish from a can (also, tuna juice cocktails), ham (omg-they go crazy for ham) turkey. Be shameless. They are.
      6. Prozac helped our most skittish one. She is living her best life on meds now.

      Good luck!

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I think reframing this might help. It does not sound like she truly hates you, she is not spitting/hissing at you. It sounds like she is more afraid of you. The difference is important because it means different strategies.

      I’d also look at how she reacts to visitors in your home. My cats hid until they got used to the new voices.
      Do you talk to her even though she ran away or is hiding? A soothing tone of voice can help them to get to know you.
      I can say this, with each cat we had it was a good year before they finally settled in to their new home with us. They had to go at their own pace and they each did their own crazy thing. I had one cat who would climb up the side of the clothes hanging in the closet so she could lay/sit on the top shelf of the closet. My solution was to just leave her there, I mean she got herself up there. It would be a disaster for me to climb up there and pull her down. So I left her there. After a bit she stopped doing that and moved on to some other crazy thing.

      One cat was even more timid than the others. We would sit on the floor and read while she hid under the bed. It was probably a couple hours each night. We did this for weeks. Finally curiosity got her and she came out to sniff our feet.

      I think soothing tone of voice is helpful. I used the same phrases over and over. Because I believe they do understand a lot of what we say. “It’s okay, Kitty. You are alright.” Providing her with food/treats is probably a good idea.

    10. Kathenus*

      Hi Katie. Echoing some of the suggestions made by Alison and others. While there are no guarantees that you can get any animal to like you, here are a few things that might help:

      – Find out her favorite foods and treats, and then have them only come from you. Offer them as frequently as you can so that your presence, which isn’t reinforcing to her yet, will have a positive association.

      – Don’t force your presence on her until she shows some signs of wanting it. Even with offering the treats and favored foods, drop them in her bowl and back off, put them on the floor and walk away, or if it doesn’t make her nervous you could lightly toss or roll them to her from a distance.

      – Give her the power to modify your behavior, if you are approaching and she begins to get tense or looks like she’s going to leave, back off and give her the space – even walking a different path to get past her if the space allows.

      – If she’s at all nervous or gets startled at times when you do things, give her verbal warnings first so she’ll be aware that something is going to happen before it does – so your ‘trust account’ doesn’t take a hit before you have enough built up in it.

      – The suggestion of a toy with a very long string is a good one too, at least to try, to see if you can engage her in something fun without violating her ‘personal space’.

      – Talking to her or greeting her when you’re around might be good; I think it’s showing her respect to acknowledge her presence.

      – Definitely agree with those who say to stop being involved in nail trims, it will be incredibly hard to ever build a positive relationship when you regularly participate in something she finds aversive. And she needs a groomer or vet for this, your husband needs to be the one to take her, not you.

      – The main message, as others have said, is to let her set the pace; and to find things that change her perception of you, such as the favored food and play. If you have value to her through these things, over time she may change her feelings about you.

      – Patience is the key, as has been mentioned. Let her have the power and wait for her behavior to tell you when you can take the next step.

      Good luck!

    12. Basia, also a Fed*

      We had a dog who had been abused and hid in the corner of the bedroom for a few years. He wouldn’t let me pet him for a year and he avoided my husband for THREE years. By the time he died, after 11 years, he was glued to us like Velcro, to the point where he tripped us when we walked around our house. The vet said part of the reason he came around was because we left him alone (except for taking him out, feeding, and the kennel, which was also the groomer). Some days we only saw him for 15 minutes or so. I don’t know if the cat will ever warm up to you, but my advice is don’t coax her. She may feel more comfortable if she doesn’t feel pressured.

    13. Pet sitter*

      When cats don’t like me, I ignore them, sit down on the floor, and read or watch TV. They usually come around. To explain…

      The cat needs to learn that you aren’t threatening her. Unfortunately, the cat is interpreting your attempts at interaction as threats. So, let the cat observe you doing non-threatening things, and let her come to you on her own terms. Look for progress like her hiding less frequently, staying in the same room as you more often, or watching you from less of a distance.

      Also… Maybe make the claw-trimming a husband-only job for now! Or vet-only. :)

      1. Pet sitter*

        If it helps you feel less upset by the cat’s behavior, remember that it’s not personal. The cat just doesn’t understand you. She has the intelligence of a toddler, she doesn’t know your language, and she doesn’t totally get your body language. That’s okay.

    14. ..Kat..*

      The best way to get cats to love you, rub up against you and sit on your lap is to be allergic to them!

    15. Katie the Fed*

      Thank you guys for all the suggestions. I’m going to leave her alone until she approaches me. Last night I did play laser pointer with her which she enjoyed, and I took over feeding from my husband. He’s going to try to start clipping her claws too.

  21. Free Meerkats (formerly Gene)*

    If this goes too far into politics, please delete.

    My city has a proposition on the primary ballot to change from at large to district representation. I can see pluses and minuses to each, so I’m currently undecided. What are thoughts from the commentariat here?

    1. Paul White*

      We have that in our city and it’s been a simmering issue here too for like 2-3 election cycles (keeps getting narrowly voted down).

      My biggest complaints with the at large is that it seems like the rich portion of town gets really over represented. We just voted in an entire new city council and mayor so who knows how it’ll be now though. I don’t know if districts will fix that though.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Both have plusses and minuses, and what works in one town could be negative in another–Paul gives one scenario. What problems is the change supposed to fix in your case? Do you agree that they are problems?

    3. LCL*

      My city did this. We went to district representation. We are now the laughing stock of the region. The argument in favor was basically, we need a wider demographic of people running for office. Unfortunately we got the mean and stupid. The ACLU likes district representation. They interfered and forced a small city (not ours) here to switch to district representation. I was totally supportive of the ACLU until they did that.

      Politics is the only profession where people along the entire political spectrum argue that experience is bad and we should make more effort to elect people with less experience. I believe that view point is stupid, shortsighted and destructive to government and society.

    4. Ann O.*

      Mine just got forced to that to avoid a lawsuit (which still infuriates me). I think which is better is probably city specific. I don’t think it was a good idea for my city because we’re not very segregated, so I don’t think district representation solves any problems (and potentially could create some). In a city with different demographics, I think well-drawn districts could be helpful.

    5. JulieBulie*

      My city actually has both. We have ward representation, which is important because even though the city is small, there is a lot of demographic diversity, and different neighborhoods have different issues. There are six wards. However, we also have five at-large reps. I’m not sure what purpose they serve, tbh, but maybe it provides balance.

  22. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    1. Relaxing after dental a week ago and hoping my body just…cooperates.

    2. Buying a Self-meditation book on sale, and having to mentally justify spending $ on myself

    3. For those of you who went no contact with nmom/edad then later married and had kids, are you still no contact? Do they know you have kids?

    4. Trying to think up snack Desserts gluten free, healthy, yet with a bit of dark chocolate…..

    1. Courtney W*

      I’m the child of a situation like #3, so I would just like to point out that having grandchildren in the mix usually makes a narcissist behavior worse, not better. I really, really wish my parents hadn’t had the misguided notion that they should at least try to let my dad’s parents be involved in my life. I’m assuming some extreme stuff happened for you to go no-contact. Assume that sooner or later, they will treat your child the way they treated you, because that is often the case.

      If you do decide to re-establish contact, take it slowly and have reasonable boundaries. If they can’t handle a slower pace and reasonable boundarie, that will be a huge red flag for you.

      1. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        Thanks; nmom has in the past few months–insulted my SO, my career, my taste in men, she had a public meltdown causing my dad to email me while I was at work to ‘apologize’ even though it’s not my fault, just to keep her quiet. She always said I cost too much, I owe her money for education, and always complained she never reaped money from me like she ‘deserved.’ Years earlier, she’d remove money from my acct without my permission and harass me with 38 calls if I didn’t pick up. (I’ve since separated my finances, moved away, and have my own phone, and am financially independent).

        The no contact came however, when I told her she’d have to wait another several weeks for my SO to take an exam bc the program spelled his name wrong.

        She responded by sending 3 30-line long emotionally abusive emails reaming us out and accusing us of lying.

        Basically, I realized after those emails I felt hollow inside and felt nothing for her anymore–no hate, no love, nothing–and I was done with her. Blocked her number, emails, and now it’s month 2.5.

        1. Courtney W*

          Oh wow. That is horrendous and I am so sorry. You deserve better, and so does your child. I wouldn’t tell her a damn thing if I were you – no contact sounds like it’s going to be much healthier. In a perfect world, it’s great to have a mom to support you when you’re going through pregnancy and figuring out your newborn and what’s important to you as a mom. But it sounds like all your mother would do would be to berate any choices you made that don’t align with hers while verbally abusing ou for basically everything during what is already a kind of trying period (sleep deprivation, ugh. I’m sorry.)

          Some of them can be kind of extreme, but there are a lot of online support boards out there. Reddit has raised by narcissistics and Babycenter has DWIL (dealing with the in-laws, but there’s lots of people there whose issues are with their own family.) If nothing else, sometimes just reading other people’s drama is a reminder of what you don’t want to go back to!

      1. TootsNYC*

        There’s also a great cookbook of desserts called “flourless.”

        Flourless.: Recipes for Naturally Gluten-Free Desserts Hardcover – August 12, 2014
        by Nicole Spiridakis (Author), John Lee (Photographer)

        (I’ll let you google it, since a link will end up in moderation.)

        All the recipes are desserts that NEVER had flour or gluten in them. Like meringues, flourless chocolate cakes, macarons, etc.
        It doesn’t substitute rice flour for regular flour to make predictable desserts–the author sought out those recipes that didn’t have flour in the first place.

    3. Sibley*

      1, 2 – Relax, take care of yourself. It is required, not optional.

      3. I’m not in that situation, but WHY would you expose a vulnerable child to a situation bad enough to make you cut off your parents? Seriously, why?

      Also, if you had to cut off your parents, strongly recommend therapist to fix your head or make sure you fixed your head, before you screw up the next generation by accident. Someone had posted a link to a website talking about these sorts of situations (sometime this week), and apparently it’s very common (even normal) for the children of narcissistic parent(s) to have issues, and accidentally be bad parents themselves.

      4. No help, sorry. Hopefully google will.

    4. Hey Anonny Nonny*

      I don’t have the narcissist parent situation, but I was no contact with my biodad (just a garden-variety jerk) for several years, then married and had a child, felt guilty about him not knowing about it, decided to contact him. It went fine for a very short while (a few months maybe) before he showed me he was exactly the same person and I went no contact again. Now I have even more children and live in a different state and I doubt he has any idea. I don’t care.

      I don’t think it’s worth it to contact your parents about the child, but just to be safe, google what kind of grandparents’ rights they might be legally entitled to where you live, and if you have any leftover links to them (siblings or family members you’re still in contact with who are also in contact with them) you should make sure they know that they are absolutely to never, ever pass along any information about you, especially that you have a child(ren).

      1. Hey Anonny Nonny*

        Just to be clear, I brought up the grandparents’ rights thing so that you would know what they might try to escalate to (taking you to court?) if they accidentally found out, not to make you feel like you have to allow them anything at all – you don’t.

    5. Ktelzbeth*

      Not necessarily health, but flourless chocolate cake for dark chocolate and healthy. You can probably google prune or black bean brownies. I’ve seen them, but don’t have a recipe or suggestion.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      2. Tell yourself that investing in things that help support you and sustain you is your NEW way of life. You are going to do this as a life long habit. You can help yourself justify it by carefully choosing what you will do and how you expect it to help you.
      A while ago I went through Life Stuff. My back tensed up beyond belief. The muscles felt like concrete. Well, I knew that was not good and definitely not something that should go on and on. I went to a massage therapist. Oh my, I so looked forward to my appointments. We have to put good stuff into ourselves from time to time. It’s not reasonable to expect our bodies/our lives to keep going well if we don’t.

      3. While my parents had their own weirdnesses one of the things they got right was to keep me away from family who was not safe to be around. After seeing this, I have very strong beliefs that if a parent knows another family member has problems, then it is up to the parent to shield the child from that person.

      4. I don’t bake much. I just happened upon some Glutino mixes and bought a couple. They are not too bad for a gluten free product. I have seen different cookie mixes, brownie mix and I think I saw a cake mix somewhere.

    7. Temperance*

      Re #3: I don’t have kids, but my sister does. She’s extremely LC with my parents. They see the kids maybe twice per year, for an hour, in a heavily supervised setting. My mom can’t resist the urge to overstep and act inappropriately towards the kids, but my sister was concerned that if the kids didn’t meet them, they might reach out later and my mother would have more power to manipulate.

      It’s a lie that we’re told that grandparents are essential. If you were a shit parent, if you’re abusive and/or mentally ill … you’re not going to be a better grandparent.

    8. circus peanuts*

      Chop a banana into bite sized pieces and freeze them. When they are frozen, add the Magic Shell on top. It’s that ice cream topping that hardens when it is on top of ice cream. They have it in several flavors, including chocolate. I suppose you could add nuts to it if you like but the Magic Shell hardens fast.

  23. katamia*

    And another question…

    Anyone ever read Gödel, Escher, Bach by Douglas Hofstadter? I heard about it a few years ago, decided it sounded super interesting, and gave it a shot, but the copy I got from the library was some sort of updated version with an (IMO) insufferably smug preface/foreword/whatever about how no one understood the book when it was first published or something like that. I got annoyed and didn’t even get to the real book before putting it down.

    But I’m still really interested in the subject matter. Is the rest of the book like that, too, or is the writing of the actual book much more neutral?

    1. Headachey*

      I read it in college, after I had lunch with Hofstadter – I remember little of the book now after so many years, but I do recall that lunch fondly. He spoke about the challenges of machine translation of poetry, and we had a lovely discussion about language acquisition and machine language learning. The rest of the attendees – all honors Comp. Sci. majors – were quite put out that he was deigning to speak to me, a mere linguist and the only woman in the room.

      I say skip the forward and give the book another shot!

      1. katamia*

        Oh, that does help to put things in perspective. That’s a great story. :) I hate skipping forewords and prefaces and all those (inveterate completist here), but it sounds like that might be the best option.

    2. Book Lover*

      Yes, I think as a teen and I probably still have it somewhere. I’d skip the preface and try again :)

    3. Mephyle*

      I read GEB when it was relatively new, and it was worth it. Skip the preface, that sounds annoying. I read an earlier edition that didn’t have that preface. I also heard Hofstadter give a talk once when he came to my city and it was good.
      I also really enjoyed his Le Ton beau de Marot: In Praise of the Music of Language, which is about language and languages. It’s probably somewhat easier to understand for the general reader (as I am).

      1. katamia*

        Yeah, I work at a used bookstore and we got one of his other books in that looked really interesting, which is what made me want to give it another shot. But I wanted to start with GEB because I really love Escher, lol. Hopefully if I like GEB I’ll move on to his other stuff eventually.

    4. TootsNYC*

      oh, never ever ever read the preface.

      Only if it’s the sort of prologue that the author intends as part of the actual plot.

      Never, never.

      Read it AFTER you’ve read the book, maybe
      Just dive right in–the author created a highly specific opening and introduction to her/his book. Let her/him be the one to pull you into the story.

      There was an essay someone wrote that got spread around a lot making the argument to not read the preface or foreword. It made a lot of sense, and I’ve found that it helps.

      1. TootsNYC*

        or, if not plot, she/he has crafted the introduction to the topic, framed it, etc.
        Let that introduction do its job.

  24. YRH*

    I’m in the very early stages of wedding planning. One of the venues I’m looking at is in a state park. To get into the park, cars have to pay $10 for a day pass or $30 for an annual pass (good for all state land in the state). Is it problematic to make your guests pay for parking? It seems standard to me to expect to pay for parking, public transit, or a cab. However, my dad thinks this isn’t ok at all. I am planning on having a shuttle from the hotel (I believe parking is free at and near the hotel) as well as from a major traffic chokepoint almost everyone would pass easily accessible via public transit and walking (no free parking nearby though). A friend who’s sister got married there said no one seemed to care. Most of the guests that lived in state had an annual pass, they encouraged people to car pool, and had a handful of backup day passes. For the record, I have no problem paying for parking and was more surprised by the force of my dad’s response than anything. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    1. Courtney W*

      Where is the wedding? I’m in the Midwest and this is not done here and would get a very strong reaction from older guests, so I can kind of see where your dad is coming from. But in a big city area I doubt people would think much of it.

    2. katamia*

      I hate paying for parking on principle.

      That said, between traveling to the site (not that it’s a destination wedding, but I’m assuming some people might be, say, driving 2-3 hours to get there?), wedding presents, maybe new clothes, babysitter if they can’t/don’t want to bring their kids, going to a wedding already costs guests money. So, assuming the expense is reasonable for the area, I don’t really see a problem with paying for parking in particular.

      1. kc89*

        I agree, anything that can be made free for guests is excellent, but there’s also the expectation that going to a wedding will cost the guest some money.

    3. kc89*

      I think it’s fine especially if there are alternative free options for those who wish (like the shuttle)

      I would just make sure the information is clear and given to everybody before the actual wedding.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Seconding on making it clear before the wedding. Most people seem to put out some sort of informal thing with practical travel details, and they’re really helpful.

    4. CAA*

      What would the parking cost be at other venues you’re considering? I think most hotels charge for parking in most major cities, so if the alternative were something like a hotel ballroom the guests would end up paying anyway, right?

      I think I’d rather pay for parking than deal with the hassle of the last wedding I went to, which was on a navy base and required us to send the groom a visitor access form that included our SSNs so they could pre-clear us for access.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      Honestly, I wouldn’t be cool with that. I think you should consider paying fur everyone’s parking as part of your planning/budgeting.

    6. Amy*

      If you could swing it to pay for everyone’s parking that would be ideal, but if it’s a large wedding I can see how that would be a big expense. I think if you offer the free shuttle option you’re in the clear. Just make it abundantly clear (like, on the “info cards” people usually send with invites, on your wedding website if you’re doing one, having your parents and wedding party reminding people as the date approaches, etc.) that if people choose to drive themselves instead of taking the shuttle there is a $10 entrance fee. I would be mildly annoyed to be blindsided by it but if I was expecting it I wouldn’t think it was a big deal. I think encouraging people to carpool is a great idea.

    7. self employed*

      The absolute must is notifying your guests of the options. I would not care that much about $10 at a park but would be mildly ticked if I was not informed ahead of time. It sounds like your options are considerate and convenient to your guests, so kudos. Perhaps a heads-up about return info for the shuttle people?

    8. Emma*

      I’d be irritated, but if you offered a free shuttle option (or there was some way to park somewhere free & walk), I’d be fine with that. Renting shuttles can be expensive, though!

      With city weddings, I assume that I’m covering transport, but I get to choose. Like I get to choose between walking, bus, Uber, car rental, and all the price differences. So I guess when I have a choice, I don’t feel irritated, but when I have no choice I am. It would kinda feel like an admission fee.

      But if you don’t cover it, definitely give ppl a heads up so they can carpool, etc to minimize costs if they want. Also so they can keep cash on hand if that’s needed, since I typically don’t!

    9. AnonyMouse*

      The key is letting people know ahead of time. My friend recently got married and sent an email out a couple weeks before saying, “There’s free street parking around the venue and valet parking at the venue for $X”. If there’s no option BUT to pay, I would lean to covering the parking fees if it’s possible. But if there are free alternatives you’re arranging, I think it’s fine just to inform guests of the options in advance.

    10. Jen*

      I would pay for this on your guests’ behalf. It’s a courtesy. Logistically, talk to the park- I’m sure it’s happened before. You could leave a credit card # on file and have them charge however many cars say there are there for the xx-yy wedding.

      As a guest, I don’t really care about paying for parking, but I’m not sure I’d think ahead to have $10 cash on me- I usually make sure to have some $1s for tipping the bartender and that’s about it. I guess if they accepted credit cards that’d be less of an issue.

      On your invite you could state “park at the hotel and take our free shuttle or drive your car ($10 parking fee per car). Definitely make sure you pay for your grandmother and anyone else to who might clutch their pearls over this sort of thing.

    11. HannahS*

      Sounds fine, given your two shuttles. I wonder if what’s rubbing him wrong that it’s a “day pass” rather than a “parking fee.” Like if a wedding was at a hotel and I had to pay to park in their garage or if I had to pay-and-display to park on the street near a restaurant I wouldn’t be annoyed at all. But if I drove to a wedding and had to pay 10 bucks at the entrance of the park, I’d be irritated, because then it feels like an admission fee rather than a service fee. Which I 100% realize is stupid–it’s not like putting a pay machine by the parking lot in a park is different from having a kiosk at the entrance, but it feels different somehow. But honestly, given that you’re arranging TWO shuttles for your guests and as long as you warn people, I think you’re completely in the clear.

      1. The IT Manager*

        No. This is precisely it for me. I’m not going to the park for the park, but I’m being forced to pay an entrance fee to a friend’s wedding. You’re thinking of it as a parking fee, but that’s not what it is.

        But also where I’m from I would not expect to pay for parking at the wedding. I wouldn’t necessarily be upset to encounter it but in “the country” where I’m from you park in the venue (church) parking lot and the reception hall for free.

        1. The IT Manager*

          Also I’m surprised that your rental of the venue doesn’t include entrance fee for a reasonable number of guests. You’re already paying for that. And your guests in wedding attire are only coming for your wedding and are unlikely to go to go hiking or whatever is normal park activities after.

    12. The Unkind Raven*

      I had this happen to me as a guest not too long ago! I was annoyed a bit, but 50% of that was not being told ahead of time. Parking was $8 dawn’s and I was lucky i had cash on me (I don’t usually). The state park was nice, but it was unseasonably cold and a bit rainy. Fair warning.

    13. Em*

      As someone who works in a state park system, I’d suggest talking to the folks in that park office. They might have some kind of permit-based system for larger events where you could pay a fee upfront.

  25. Courtney W*

    Anyone besides me a Disney parks fan? I’m spending today eagerly awaiting the announcements at D23.

    1. CAA*

      We got annual passes to Disneyland this year. Ours are SoCal passes that are blacked out for the summer, so we’ll go again in Sept.

      We have a friend at D23 who’ll be here for Comic-Con in a few days. He’s texted a few pics from there and I’m sure we’ll hear a lot more when we see him. DH is the one who can’t wait for updates though. I’m more the type to just wait and discover the new stuff when it appears in the park.

      1. Courtney W*

        My husband is more along your lines too – yesterday he told me I sounded like I was prepping for a press conference as I was listing off all the things hat will possibly be confirmed, that we’re hoping to get a date on, where construction has already started but they’re keeping it hush huh, etc. I’m kind of ridiculous.

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      I love Disney! My parents are DVC members and I can’t wait until I have the money to buy points of my own.

    3. Beth Anne*

      yeah I’ve been following all the D23 news! I really want to go to D23 one year. I think it would be fun! My husband loves all the star wars stuff they have announced. I’ve had an Annual pass to WDW and he always complained disney was too expensive and now HE GOT ONE AND HE’S ALL EXCITED about going to disney in 2 weeks for his bday!

  26. Aurora Leigh*

    Anyone here have a spouse or SO who is on shift work?

    I have your standard 8-5, Mon-Fri schedule, plus a flexible evening/Saturday part-time job.

    My boyfriend currently works nights (11-7) Tues-Sat, but he could wind up on second shift (3-11) with Tues and Wed as his days off soon.

    With night shift, there’s still 4 or 5 hours of the day where we’re both awake and not at work (unless I’m at my second job) but if he winds up on second shift with no weekend days that overlap with mine . . . I’ll be sad.

    So how do you make different schedules like this work? Any tips from the trenches?

    1. Paul White*

      Honest answer: it kind of sucks. My wife and I have both done shift work at various times. Try to make sure you prioritize each other during the times you are both available. My wife and I try to arrange to take a PTO day together every few months too.

    2. Red Reader*

      I work m-f 7-330, my fiancé works m-f 3-1130 (soon shifting to 1230-9). The only reason we see each other during the week at all is that I work from home, not like that’s actual quality time. And I recently applied for a promotion that would have me not working from home anymore. So I guess we’ll see what’s what :-/

    3. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I work 8:00 – 5:00 M – F, and my husband works 4 days on/4 days off, a month of days (6am – 6pm) and a month of nights (6pm to 6am). There are advantages to the 4 days off schedule, such as having someone with occasional weekdays off to take care of errands, but it sucks that he can never commit to activities that take place on fixed day of the week. So I was able to be a scout leader on Monday nights for our son, but my husband could only attend meetings occasionally.

      People at church or in community groups have a hard time understanding why the shift worker can’t commit to helping at regular intervals. They understand intellectually, but I think they still harbor some “why doesn’t so-and-so carry his weight around here?” Then when the shift worker is available, it’s “oh, he decided to dabble a little bit in helping out . . .”

      As far as around the house, it’s been important in my life to keep the house quiet when husband is sleeping in the daytime and to never, ever schedule anything for us that would cause disruption to his sleep routine.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Your second paragraph struck a chord as only this week someone we know felt the need to tell me my husband should spend more time with me. I’m like: uh, right, thanks for the unsolicited advice, person-with-9-to-5-job.

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      My husband works in the music industry (road and stage crew). There is no pattern because it depends on location. Sometimes he’s home around midnight, sometimes 5am, sometimes he’s away overnight or touring abroad.

      I advise that you don’t get tempted to lose sleep in order to see each other. Quality not quantity matters here. We text a lot and send each other photos. Just silly stuff like what the cat is doing. If we aren’t around to say goodnight or have a nice day we do it by text.

      When you are both around try to do basic things like eat together. But don’t put pressure on each other not to do other stuff like see friends or spend time on hobbies.

    5. ..Kat..*

      My husband works 8-5 (but longer hours) M-F. I work 12 hour shifts 7am-7:30pm, at most 3 days a week. Plus every other week, two of those are Saturday and Sunday. This works well for us. He gets his ‘me’ time on the weekends I work, does his major household chores with whatever ballgame he wants blaring on the TV, and cooks me a yummy dinner. On the days I don’t work, I take care of dinner. He works out after work, so he gets home on the late side, so I take a couple hour nap so I can be up when he gets home without being exhausted. Unfortunately, it sounds as if your schedules are harder to mesh. Good luck.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        The one thing I envy about my husband’s 4 on/4 off schedule is that he regularly has entire days with the house all to himself.

        My M – F, 8am – 5pm schedule means that the kids are always off when I am. I do occasionally schedule vacation days for when everyone else is at work and school, because I *love* being home alone doing everything or nothing, as I wish.

  27. How may I direct your call?*

    So Alison, lately I’ve been searching for my favorite threads using phrases I remember being used in the questions and answers. I was wondering if you’ve ever had any odd phrases entered into the search engine and if so, what are they?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      You know, I actually never check, because the volume makes it impossible to sort through them. There’s no way to see just the terms entered into the site’s own search engine; you have to look at all the search terms that brought people here, and a huge number of visits here come through Google … 1.3 million in the last month. So it’s too overwhelming to try to look at them. I just tried looking for the ones in just the last week and it’s still pretty overwhelming — but here’s a screenshot of a random snippet of them:
      https://imgur.com/a/FXyNa

  28. Foreign Octupus*

    I adopted a cat from a rescue shelter last week (5-6 years old, no one is completely sure) who had been in the shelter for the last four years. She’s a Turkish Van with the most amazing blue eyes who I’ve named Bones (after Leonard McCoy from Star Trek).

    I’m telling everyone and wanted you lot to know as well!

    4. CityMouse*

      I adopted an adult cat and I will also recommend giving her some time. My first month with my guy was rough, he hid, he peed on things, he wouldn’t let us pet him (despite being snuggly and friendly at the shelter). But he got over a lot of it and is now a total snuggle buddy and lap cat.

      1. JaneB*

        I’ve a long history of varied food intolerances, and I’ve found that my problem with wheat products seems to be FLOUR IMPROVERS, not wheat – many of our UK commercusl products are full of apparently healthy extras, especially those to encourage rapid and light rising. “Artesan” or homemade or sour dough products are definitely better tolerated by my system, and the French are much more likely to have bread and related products made using slower more traditional methods than here in the U.K.?

        Another thought is that perhaps she actually has stress related gut issues and on holiday is just less stressed, eats more slowly, sits after her food rather than rushing off etc!

        1. JaneB*

          Stoopid mobile phone commenting! This clearly belongs on the earlier thread.

          Happy to hear about older long term shelter kitties finding homes, both my girls met that description and were/are wonderful companions

      2. Foreign Octupus*

        Thanks CityMouse, I need to hear that. For the first day, she hid. The next three days, whenever I sat down, she would be all over me and now she’s avoiding me again. This is the first cat that I’ve ever had and so it’s a bit of a learning curve. I’m trying to be patient but it’s so hard!

        I don’t really having the peeing problem. She’s only peed twice out of the litter box and that was because she didn’t like it. As soon as I changed it, not a problem.

        And thanks to everyone for your comments!

    5. Bunny Purler*

      Awwww!! Sounds like a wonderful cat. Great name, too. When I was a child, some friends of the family had a cat called Pie-Jam-Boney-Cat, Bones for short. I loved that cat.

  29. Windchime*

    I’m a big Sam Smith fan, so I don’t know how I made it this long without hearing “Not in That Way” until just now. Wow. I want to hear it again and again and again.

    1. Chaordic One*

      It’s a great song and he’s an enormous talent. I’m eagerly awaiting his next album which is supposed to be coming out in September.

      1. Windchime*

        Yeah, I go down these rabbit holes where I listen to everything I can find of his on YouTube.

  30. Anxa*

    So, this is a bit of a follow-up to the adulting post:

    Maybe I’m a millennial stereotype, but booking doctor’s appointments still overwhelms me!

    I have a medicaid plan that, ostensibly, has vision coverage.
    I have to log into my Health plan to find a link to the to the vision provider.
    They’ve changed names.
    I need a separate account with them. I set it up.
    I look for optometrists in my area. A bunch are listed.
    A bunch of them don’t actually take the insurance or the only doctors that take it don’t have appts outside of work hours (taking a half day would be just barely cheaper than the costs of a typical eye exam).
    I book a few appts, planning to cancel the other 2 once I have a chance to go look at the actual eyeglasses in store.
    I get a VM that one of my appts is canceled.
    A week later I get emails confirming my appt. Ah, that must have been the other optometrist, then.
    I call the day of to reconfirm they accept my insurance.
    I go to the wrong lcoation (there’s two of the same chain within a 2 minute drive in opposing plazas .
    They mention they don’t accept my insurnace. I consider just goign home. Like A FOOL I go to at least cancel in person.
    I am assured that my appointment “has been covered, we have your information.”
    I think I feel too grateful for being seen while being late (because of going to the wrong one).
    I figure that when I booked for the two locations (not realizing during booking they were so close, just thinking of them as the two in my city), the one I accidentally went to must have been the one that called to cancel after they realized thy didn’t take my insurance. Subliminal logic there made me thing if they didn’t take it, they’d have done the same thing.
    Exam is over.
    I go to look at glasses.
    Optician tells me they don’t accept my insurance.
    I ask if I can talk to the receptionist.
    She then says, oh no, we don’t take that. But it’s okay, you can get reimbursed.
    $100 gone after a 20 minute appt. This was the one part of my vision benefits I could use, becaue I only get a little money to cover frames, and I can’t just get the standard lenses (I need AR coating). Thought I could get a free exam, then buy my glasses which a chance to price shop. I could have waited a few days for an appointment in another city after work.

    Now I have a Rx and have spent too much of my budget for that to actually buy anything for at least another pay cycle.

    Meanwhile!!!

    I have to have a health physical done for a school program that I may or may not enroll in (I was accepted but I am hoping to find a job before that). I have an appt booked that I have to take a half day for. I won’t know until I’m in the appt if it will be covered as an office visit or billed full price, and I don’t even know if I will get what I need from it (will they accept my immunization records?). Which if I don’t get what I need, I’ll have to pay for titer labs out of pocket plust another office visit and probably miss the deadline grace period anyway.

    (Sidenote: I’ll never understand the push to ‘shop around for healthcare’ as a solution to medical costs because it it is NOT easy to get quotes or even know how an office visit will be billed)

    I have lost so much sleep trying to plan how to get this eye exam and physical done around my work schedule, by the deadline, without breaking the bank. And I don’t think my insurance benefits are going to be helpful at all. On the one hand, I don’t pay anything right now so I really shouldn’t think of myself as having coverage, but on the other hand, why does it have to be such a labyrinth to get what you need to take care of your health and be responsible when you’re working poor? Plus I wouldn’t mind paying SOME money, but some of the quotes for this physical + titers is worrisome.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m 49, and really hope the new health insurance cards (for the insurance that started July 1st) get here this week. My husband did finally drag the new number out of the company, so if someone has to go to the ER I can try that. And the thing is, 10 or 20 years ago it wasn’t great but I do not remember the level of ridiculousness I have encountered the past few years.

      Hard seconding on how ridiculous “show around for prices” is in practice–no one knows! They are going to put your numbers in, the insurance will eventually (weeks after the visit) decide what to charge, and that random number is what you pay. I found the orthodontist was good about coming up with solid numbers–but that’s for a five-figure investment that often isn’t covered by insurance.

      1. Anxa*

        Yes.

        In the past few years so much has gotten better for me (Essential benefits outline, more clear insurance member booklets, insurance that didn’t exclude almost every thing I was concerned about, subsidies some years, etc.

        But I also feel like it’s harder than ever to get any sort of a heads up on the billing practices, etc. I just wish there was a menu. Just give me a menu with prices with a disclaimer.

    2. vision trouble*

      This stuff is overwhelming! I have limited coverage for glasses (and a very expensive prescription!) so what I do is use my medical insurance to go to an ophthalmologist (a small co-pay) and then take that prescription to a glasses place for frames and glasses so that vision insurance can cover a max of that part. I don’t know if that may work but it’s been good for me! I also feel I get a better eye exam this way (but again, I have complicated eyes).

      1. Anxa*

        Oh, I’ll think about this in the future. This system doesn’t match my current needs or insurance plan, but I’ll consider that in the future.

    3. Reba*

      That sounds so frustrating! I feel like I’ve spent so much time figuring out how much something will cost, then asking the insurer or office to reprocess due to error (and somehow every different kind of care seems to be covered by a different benefit manager company), then chasing down how to pay it over the past couple of years.

      Re: the glasses, have you considered Zenni or Warby Parker (or there are probably other online glasses places now, but those are ones I’ve used)? I also have some vision insurance but even with the discounts on in-store frames, the online stores are just so much cheaper. I have WP frames I love ($95) and Zenni ones that are pretty good ($29, not the cheapest ones they offer). They both offer AR lenses and unless you have complicated needs that would require an optician fitting, the online ordering works well.

      Good luck!

      1. Anxa*

        I have been considering online glasses, but I’ve noticed that the price isn’t THAT much cheaper once the lenses are upgraded. Also, I have a much harder time finding plainer styles online.

        My original plan was to go get a Rx and then go to Costco (there’s one near work) and shop around a bit. I was prepared to forfeit the lens/frames benefit, because the frame markups are so high at the places that take the insurance that it would be a wash (I think).

        Glasses are really tricky, because I feel kind of torn about splurging on frames I like. Personally, I think AR coating and the best lenses possible are medically necessary for most people. And I NEED my glasses for work. Actually, difficulty performing my job. (driving in unfamiliar locations looking for traffic signs, transitioning from super bright outdoor areas to poorly lit sheds, having to read small meters across equipment in dim light, being able to scan the area for hazards). So I feel super entitled to truly affordable exams and lenses.

        But I’m willing to pay a little more for something that sits on my face every day, all day, for a few years and has a tremendous impact in my personal and professional appearance. Also, I’m a young(ish) woman, so I feel like it’s extra important to feel confident in my appearance. If not beautiful, then at least I don’t want to be self-conscious. That’s trickier, though, because if I have money to splurge….maybe I can afford to pay OOP for the medical side. But like, I had been saving for months to upgrade my lenses, also get some sunglasses (my Rx ones slide down my face ALL day, and I’ve almost broken out in frustration-cries 3x this summer during heat waves when my face was extra slippery), and have eaten my brought-from-home-lunches in a sweltering car or standing on the side of the road instead of grabbing a bite in the A/C and I’m just so frustrating with myself for blowing it when I had questioned my insurance coverage and then didn’t just cancel the appt since I had my doubts because I felt it was unfair to waste their appt slot.

        Did the $95 include AR?

        And yes, I was just thinking today… It’s kind of funny because a lot of times when SAHPs talk about what the bring to the table in terms of workload, it seems like booking appointments comes up a lot. And I thought that always sounding kind of trite because, how much time could that take compared to all the other stuff people do in managing a family/personal life. But really, a LOT! Imagine if you didn’t have stuff like that hang over your head! It’s not just the time, but the energy, too.

        1. Emma*

          I’ve gotten glasses at Costco & I *think* I remember getting some kind of insurance reimbursement. Like I think Costco gave me a form that I had to give up my insurance, so Costco wasn’t really involved.

        2. JulieBulie*

          Seriously, look at zenni. AR does cost extra, but I can get that, plus tinting, plus a sunshade clip-on, all for a fraction of what I would pay for a no-frills pair of glasses from any local optician, even with a vision plan/insurance.

          1. ginger ale for all*

            Seconding Zenni for a reason not listed here. When I try glasses on at the store, I can’t see what they look like on me because my vision is so bad. Zenni allows me to upload a selfie and try on glasses on that image. But also, I got three pairs for $180.00 – all with progressive lenses.

        3. Reba*

          I have WP frames. They include AR coating. And while I do not think the lenses are the highest-possible quality in the world (I’ve never gotten above the basic lens quality when I did optometrist shops) they have lasted about 4 years before the oleophobic coating was less effective, 5 years before the AR coating finally failed. I should not that wasn’t super heavy use–I wear contacts half the time. I love the frames and I’m actually looking into re-lensing them with my new rx. They also do rx sunglasses for 175.

          I hear you about quality stuff to put on your face. I sometimes struggle with what is worth spending money on, I get stuck in thinking I have to save save save, wait for sales, always choose the cheapest options (of course it’s a luxury to have that as even somewhat of a *choice*) when really, sometimes the price, quality and the satisfaction I’ll get out of it are correlated.

          Also I forgot to put in my first comment that I ALSO struggle with making appointments! I’m sorry the office people really biffed it.

      2. MechanicalPencil*

        I believe WP’s AR is standard with the glasses. And their warranty is pretty decent. I went to one of their stores to pick mine out, and they ended up delaying delivery because the first pair didn’t meet their quality standards. Kind of annoying, but I appreciate it at the same time.

    4. Paul*

      Not to mention you’re frequently not in a position to shop around; I wound up in the ER in june and it wsn’t like I was comparing the local hospitals in the ambulance you know? And it isn’t like they could quote me for something when they didn’t know what was wrong ya know?

    5. The Expendable Redshirt*

      *Canadian head tilt of confusion*

      Come up North, it’s simple here.

      1) Call the doctor that you want to go to
      2) Attend exam
      3) Leave doctors office

      1. Windchime*

        Unless you are my cousin with heart trouble and live in British Columbia. Then you get put on a list for months and finally dig up the cash and come down to Washington State and pay out of pocket anyway so you can be seen before something terrible happens.

    6. ..Kat..*

      If you are in the US, save your receipts/documentation. If your health care costs exceeds a certain percent of your income, you could get some of it back at tax time.

  31. Gazelle*

    Kind of a random question, but any thoughts on what it’s like to live in either Denver or Minneapolis? I have job offers in both cities and am trying to weigh pros/cons. I’m bookish and into arts/culture and politics, but not really outdoor activities (I mention that because it seems like a lot of people love Denver mainly because of the good access to nature)…

    1. JKP*

      I lived in Minneapolis for about 7 years. It was my favorite of anywhere I lived. Also, not an outdoor person. I had an apartment with underground parking, an office with underground parking, and parked in the covered lots when I went shopping. Could literally go the whole winter without dealing with the snow. I liked that it was a big city with lots of activities, but the traffic really wasn’t that bad. The roads were laid out pretty well. It always seemed pretty clean and safe. Although, I did have my car broken into, even in the key-access underground lot.

    2. Bruce H.*

      The humidity is a lot lower in Denver, which moderates the effects of both high and low temperature extremes. Even if you don’t get outside much (as I don’t, anymore), I like being able to see the mountains.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I lived in St Paul for 4 years, commuting out to Eagan. We were just talking tonight of places we used to eat/shop at and how great it was except for the location, winter, and the people. To me it felt very claustrophobic – its hours of driving/plane ride to the next large metro, with not much in-between, winter is No Joke and the weeks in Jan/Feb when you are stuck inside makes you go crazy, and I always got a sense that if you weren’t from there (and/or didn’t have kids) it was hard to break in and meet others. We made friends… with people who transferred in from other places too. Oh, and the wild temperature swings made my sinuses crazy, just too extreme. The living was good/easy but nothing ever happened either. According to the Talking Heads that is Heaven, but I still think David Byrne is wrong on that account.

      There is a good arts/culture thing and we saw a lot more shows than I would have anticipated up there, and they luuuuvvvvv the politics, but ultimately it wasn’t the right fit for us.

    4. LizB*

      I live in Minneapolis and I love it! It’s a great place for arts, culture, politics, books, etc. There are options for outdoor activities but you can definitely find a social circle that doesn’t revolve around that. Yes, the winters are intense, but with the proper clothing & a good shovel you will be fine. I’ve never been to Denver, so I can’t make a direct comparison, but I really like the Twin Cities. Is there anything in particular you’re wondering?

    5. rubyrose*

      I live in Denver, actually, in the southern suburbs. I love it. Low humidity; because of that you will learn to apply lotion on a regular basis. I think they have measured that we have around 300 days of sunshine every year. Autumn comes the end of September. It is possible to get snow in April. We do get snow, but nothing like the mountains. Municipalities are good about staying on top of it and getting it cleared quickly, at least on the major roads. There can be periods where it gets below 15 degrees and stays there for a week, but that is not the norm. The sky really is bluer here than at lower elevations.

      Yes, we have good access to nature, but I don’t take advantage of it much because of physical issues. But there is plenty of other things to do here. The Tattered Cover Bookstore is an independent that has three or four locations. There is constant stream of authors there. We have several art museums. The primary one, the Denver Art Museum, brings in nationally known exhibits. There will be one on Degas next year for which Denver will be the only U.S. venue. There is ballet, dance, theatre. Many cultural groups are partially financed via a sales tax specified for scientific and cultural groups; go check out scfd.org to get a sense of the wide range of groups covered. Our public radio stations are wonderful.

      Politics – Colorado is a purple state. The more conservative groups are down in Colorado Springs, more liberal in Boulder. You can find any type of politics you want in metro Denver, with Denver itself being more liberal and the suburbs more conservative. And we have a history of electing people who are not lawyers (nothing against them, but I think it’s good to have some representation from others). Our governor started one of the first brewpubs in the state.

      I’ve lived places where people would bad-mouth their own city and state constantly. Not here. Overall it is a very positive place with positive people. A place where people are not afraid to try new things.

      What else would you like to know?

      1. Gala apple*

        I’ve been curious, coming from a state where marijuana is not legal, how much of a thing is it there / part of day to day life?

        1. rubyrose*

          It probably depends on the circles you run in. For me, someone who never smoked it, never had any interest in it, but who is now experimenting with CBD oil for pain, day to day there is little to no influence. Where it does come into my awareness is in articles in the newspapers and reporting segments on radio and TV. They are not there every day, but they are there. They cover a wide variety of angles, but no advertising. From a business perspective, you hear about municipalities debating expanding store hours from 7:00 pm to 10:00 pm, or reviewing applications for a new store. I’ve seen stories on how investors and store owners decided to get into the business. Articles about getting or giving research grants to investigate the effect on both humans and dogs. Comments about making PTSD a condition that is eligible for medical purchase. Someone who uses for a medical condition who loses their job because their employer has a no tolerance rule. Without it, the person cannot function to work.

          And yes, there are the reports where things have gone really wrong. A visitor from another state who went off a 10 story balcony at a hotel who apparently had used too much. A man who killed his wife in front of their three children, under the influence of pain medication and marijuana. Exposure to reports like that does educate one about the need to be really careful, especially with the edibles.

    6. Seal*

      I spent most of my life in Minnesota and most of my adult life in Minneapolis. Ten years ago I moved to the Deep South for a job and have missed living in Minneapolis every single day. I particularly miss living in a liberal state, especially these days. Career-wise, I most likely won’t be able to move back anytime soon, but if I had the opportunity I’d jump on it.

    7. TreeGeek*

      Spouse and I just moved out of Denver after 20+years (for me…Spouse is a native.) The altitude and low humidity can be much bigger issues than some people expect. Hats, sunscreen and extra hydration are a must! If you aren’t into outdoor activities, you might do okay. One of the reasons we left was because any time we wanted to go into the mountains or otherwise enjoy Colorado’s outdoors, we felt like we were doing it with 20,000 of our neighbors. If you do decide to go into the mountains, go further than a simple day trip will take you. It’s the only way to avoid the crowds.

      The cultural side of things is actually pretty good. You can probably find at least a couple of things to suit any interests you might have. We have a couple of friends in Denver who are writers, and the book/author community is thriving. I second the recommendation someone had for The Tattered Cover.

      How are you about sports? Denver is a pretty sports-centric town. The Broncos are almost a religion with some folks. The Rockies are not a good team, but Coors Field is worth seeing in person. Sit on the 3rd base side to catch some relief from the afternoon sun.

      Traffic is terrible! Maybe not L.A. or Boston levels of terrible, but certainly unpleasant. And be prepared – most Denver drivers have little respect for red lights. Running them seems to be a local hobby.

      Urban sprawl is a real problem. Development is eating up farmland on the Front Range faster than you can imagine. And housing costs along the whole Front Range have gone through the roof, so brace yourself if you are looking to buy a home.

      I’ve only visited Minneapolis a couple of times, but based on what I’ve seen, I’d probably pick it over Denver.

    8. Clever Name*

      I live in a Denver suburb, and I love it. And yes because of the outdoors. But Denver is really cultural too. Really, and large city is, in my experience. The Tattered Cover is an amazing independent bookstore. There’s an awesome history museum. And you have the art and science museums. Politically, Denver itself is quite liberal. The suburbs are more conservative/ independent/ libertarian. It’s a very educated place.

      The weather is very, well variable. Temperature swings of 30 degrees in the span of a few hours isn’t unusual. Summer isn’t too hot, but it’s very dry. Winter is sort of snowy. It melts quickly, and you can have stretches of 60 degrees where everyone goes on a muddy hike. :) fall is gorgeous. Spring is usually cold a d snowy.

    9. Paul*

      I mean…I used to live not too far from Denver (hourish into the mountains).

      it’s been a bit, but the access to nature always seemed the best part of it. Museums in town were really nice though if you like that, and it’s NFL team is pretty good. Lots of food options, tons of shopping, a hell of a fine arts center…I don’t know how many independent book stores are left, or it’s all B&N now.

      First time I got stabbed was in a crappy alley on Broadway Street, near a porn store in Denver though, so….avoid seedy deals in back alleys there?

      Never been to Minnesota but it’s on the short list once my wife’s done with school’s. QoL metrics seem reasonable high?

    10. Sabor de Soledad*

      I’ve lived in both MPLS and St. Paul and I love it here, although I’m a native to the state. I’ve heard people say it’s difficult to make friends if you’re not from here – I haven’t had that experience though, even since moving out of state and coming back. Denver was a huge alternative for my millennial-aged friends who moved away for college, but now that they’re ready to buy a house/condo/have more space/own a pet, many of them are moving back to the area. Winters can be rough, but the last few have been relatively mild in comparison – it’s honestly the length more than the cold that gets you. There’s a lot going on in the metro area, especially in regards to arts and culture and music between both cities. Other commenters are correct in that it is a very blue area, while getting redder as you move away from the Twin Cities metro.

    11. NaoNao*

      Hoo boy do I. I’ve been here four years.
      Pluses (many of which I don’t care about):
      Proximity to nature
      Laid back, sporty culture
      Up and coming city, booming housing and rental market (lots of options)
      Tech options for jobs
      Pet friendly—this city loves dogs
      Nature trails and TONS of sporty options
      Very mild weather: winter gets cold, but it’s overall mild. Summer does get hot, but the nights are cool and if you’re in the shade, it’s cooler. Not muggy or humid.

      Minus:
      Could be a bonus depending on how you look at it: legal weed. The culture is very…weed intense. Musical acts come here for 420 and smoke up. Dispensaries are on every corner and ads for “MJ” are in the back of the local “art rag” throwaway free city magazine. Vapes with weed, hash, and other oils are smoked in the street. The funk of weed hangs *heavily* over the city in areas. Jobs in dispensaries and in the industry are booming. Downside is the homeless population has gotten a lot higher because of above.

      To me, it’s not a match for bookish, indoorsy people. The intense focus (which is hard to understand for outsiders) on sports including mountain sports, running and obstacle courses, yoga and working out, biking, hiking, kayaking and other river-type sports, professional sports teams, and fitness in general, including healthy eating, and restricted diets or special diets is, to me, SUPER off putting. Let me live!

      The culture is there, but it can be difficult to find and can feel…manufactured. Gentrification is a real thing, and many areas are being bulldozed and changed into ticky-tacky blank beige buildings. Everything, to me, feels like a slightly watered-down version of a bigger, cooler city.

      The main thing here for me is that so many transplants just LOVE it here. I didn’t click with the city and I’m finding my way here and it’s hard. To be surrounded by ecstatic devotees of the city while I was struggling was frustrating.

  32. Rhoda*

    I’m 37 and my husband and I are thinking of trying for a baby. It would be my first time being pregnant. Anyone else have a baby over 35? Success stories? Horror stories? What should I expect physically as a pregnant 30-something?

    1. Courtney W*

      While of course it’s possible that these people were the exception, many of my friends/coworkers in their mid-30s had an easier pregnancy than I did at 25! It seems to vary so greatly based on your individual body and hormone levels. I realize I’m not who you’re asking to hear from but just chiming in with my own anecdotal stuff. I was one of those people who threw up all nine months, so yeah.

      1. Rhoda*

        Interesting! I always hear it the other way around (those who got pregnant in their 20s had an easier time than when they did it again in their 30s)

    2. Really*

      There is no way to know what it will be like till it happens. Had 3 children at 30, 34, and 40. No problems getting pregnant at 30 or 40 but needed a little help at 34. All the deliveries were different. All kids were a round 9 lbs but presented slightly different. The labor at 34 was easy as I didn’t feel the pains for the first 4 hrs. Took 24 hrs to deliver the first, about 8 for the other 2 (induced). During pregnancy the third was more uncomfortable but that had much more to do with it being my third not because I was 40.

    3. Book Lover*

      I had my son when I was 30/turning 31 and my daughter at 38. In all honestly, I had wonderful pregnancies, though there was a thread a few weeks ago that suggested that was impossible :(. Anyway, I felt great, no diabetes, no blood pressure problems. I worked up until I had them. My second pregnancy went by so fast because I had my son to think about.

      My friend had her first at 41 and second at 43, just recently, and she had some swelling in her ankles and was up at night a lot to go to the bathroom, otherwise fine :)

      Running after the kids is hard, but I think that is hard at any age!

      1. Book Lover*

        Oh, and on the success stories, you mean in terms of getting pregnant? I got pregnant my first try with my daughter, but I know I was lucky. My friend went through IVF twice for her first son and got incredibly lucky and got pregnant naturally for her second.

    4. Pregnant*

      I’m 35 and preg, will give birth at 36. It’s going ok – about as exhausting as I remember being preg at 30 was. The nausea is a bit worse this time around. We’re lucky in the fertility department – 2 months of trying for kid 1 and three for kid 2, but I had chemical pregnancies the month before each kid took hold. Those are super early miscarriages where you see a faint positive on a preg test, then you test negative in the days or so after and you end up getting a slighty late, heavier period. That’s definitely a downside of active trying… if I wasn’t testing, I wouldn’t have known that was happening.

    5. Anxa*

      My mom was just shy of 34 and was 35 (I know, not quite your age) and had uneventful pregnancies. I don’t think she even remembers being uncomfortable (to the point that she can be pretty unsympathetic when people complain because she thinks they are dramatic, and I think she was even luckier than she is tough).

      I was not a quick labor and induced, and her second baby “slipped out; nothing to it. I could have showered, got dressed, and walked out.”

    6. Hey Anonny Nonny*

      My mom had my baby sister at 40. She was a surprise for all of us! LOL (I was 17 with one older and one younger sister.) I know she had an “easy” pregnancy in terms of not having any health problems or especially bad morning sickness, but now that I’ve experienced having a baby at 33, I have to imagine that she was drop-dead tired! With each pregnancy I have been more and more tired. Good luck!

    7. The New Wanderer*

      Had my first at 35 and second at 39. First time happened fast, second time took several rounds of IUI (first stage of fertility treatments). Physically I was fine, no issues except my heart rate would spike so I couldn’t exercise more than yoga or a fast walk, despite being in good cardio health otherwise. First baby was so active, I never had to do a kick count but it was really distracting at work since I would squirm and my shirt rippled at times. Second baby was more mellow. More fatigue the second time, and I pulled a rib out of joint getting out of a chair and had to go to PT to get it adjusted. Induction failed the first time and they had to go with emergency c section, so second time was scheduled c section. Recovery was pretty quick, fortunately, though it meant spending 3days at the hospital each time. Pro tip: They will make you a chocolate milkshake if you ask.

  33. Turtlewings*

    My sleeping bra is getting super sad and I’m not sure how to replace it. I’ve always just slept in whatever bra was too worn out for me to wear “for real” anymore, but all I have in that category right now is one, that for structure reasons, isn’t comfortable for sleeping in. Any suggestions? I’m definitely not looking to spend a lot of money.

    1. all aboard the anon train*

      I usually sleep in sports bras that are too worn for me to wear at the gym – as in, they’re not tight enough to hold my breasts in when I’m running, but they’re loose enough that they’re comfortable to sleep in. I get mine from Athleta since they’re the only place I’ve found that actually has sturdy sports bras for larger chests, and if you keep an eye on their site, they have some pretty good sale deals. I’ve gotten some for around $15 on sale.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Sadly, I can’t stand to wear sports bras when I’m awake, much less for sleeping. Squashing my boobs together is the exact opposite of what I want. The main reason I even wear a bra to bed is to keep them from touching — I know it’s weird but I just cannot stand it!

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          I get it! I actually like that feeling when I sleep because if I sleep without one, they end up hurting more than they do when they’re all squished together. It’s so weird. I also sleep on my stomach, so that may have something to do with it.

        2. Anxa*

          I can’t wear them much either. One of the biggest impediments I have to exercise, is that I’ll want to dress to work out before I’m ready to. But then once in in my other clothes I don’t want to change back. Can’t breathe in sports bras.

          Too tight on my chest, too lose on my breasts.

          1. Ktelzbeth*

            Keep shopping! It took me a lot of work (small band, large cups) and a specialty store, but I found one that is right in both chest and breasts and does not squish my breasts together.

    2. New Bee*

      If you aren’t looking for a specific size (just small, medium, large), you could try a nursing bra. I have one that just goes on over the head, and one that clasps like a regular bra without underwire.

    4. Windchime*

      Google for “Leisure bra”. I’ve got a couple that I wouldn’t probably leave the house in, but they are soft and stretchy and good for sleeping or lounging around the house.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      Check out the “barely there” line, they’re a pretty cheap stretchy kind that wouldn’t be good for day support for work for sleeping in (I bought multiples).

  34. Unhappy Tenant*

    This week I’m having issues with my landlord and could use some advice, but mostly also just to vent. I realize the laws differ state by state, and I have left messages with several different local lawyers to find out what my rights are, but none have gotten back to me yet. Also, it seemed like most of the lawyers I looked up served just the landlords, not the tenants. And the only tenant resource service I could find served only low income clients.

    I live in an apartment complex in the suburbs, with many separate large buildings, each with their own large parking lot. There is always plenty of available parking no matter what time of day. There is no street parking. The landlord decided to repave all the lots and sent the residents multiple advanced notice in the weeks leading up to it: several emails, a posted flyer on each apartment door, and another email the night before. All the notices stated that all cars should be moved out of X parking lots between 7am-5pm or be towed at the owners expense. It also instructed everyone who couldn’t move their car by 7am to park in Y parking lots instead.

    So I diligent park in Y parking lot everyday. Anytime my boyfriend visits, I remind him to park in Y lot. And then one day after visiting me, he leaves to go home and finds his car has been towed. When we complain, the landlord explains that they finished paving X lots earlier than expected, and so they needed to start paving Y lots – THE LOTS THEY TOLD EVERYONE TO PARK IN!!! So with zero advanced notice – no emails, no flyers, nothing – they just called everyone they could that morning to ask them to move their car right now this very minute, and then everyone else got towed. When we went to collect his car, the towing guy told us he had towed more than a dozen cars out of that lot. It could have easily been my car also towed, I just happened to park in a different section of Y lot that they didn’t start working on yet.

    I think at the very least, the landlord should pay his towing costs. But it gets even worse. When we complained, they doubled down and decided that since he comes over to my place frequently, that means that he lives with me and should be added to the lease. He owns his own house a few minutes from me. I chose this apartment specifically because of its proximity to his house, so it would be easy for us to see each other regularly. When we refused to add him to the lease, they emailed me this section from my lease and informed me that he has exceeded the 14 days that he is allowed to be a guest and cannot park in my lot anymore or stay at my apartment:

    “The Tenant is allowed to have temporary visitors, who will occupy the apartment for no more than 14 days in any twelve-month period. Any guest staying for longer than 2 days (but not longer than 14 days) must obtain a temporary parking permit from the office. Failure to do so may result in termination of the Lease by the Landlord.”

    I would argue that he neither “occupies” my apartment nor does he “stay for longer than 2 days” since he lives in his own house a few minutes from me and makes multiple trips back and forth between my apartment and his house each day. It’s ridiculous to limit my in-town boyfriend to 14 days/year. We would see each less than when we lived an 8 hour drive apart! Defeats the whole point of me moving here!

    So now what was a little issue has blossomed into a bigger issue. I’m not sure what to do about everything, and I’m getting impatient waiting for these lawyers to return my calls. Every time my boyfriend comes over, we have to constantly stress about keeping an eye on his car so he’s not towed. And the worry that they’ll try to evict me over it. It’s definitely interfering with the “quiet enjoyment” of my apartment.

    And here’s an added problem we hope to solve as long as we have to get lawyers involved anyway. I’ve lived in apartments my whole life, all in very snowy climates. I’ve never had any apartment handle snow plowing this way. Instead of plowing around the cars still there and giving them 24 hours to move before they plow again, or setting up a schedule to plow the even side one day while everyone parks on the odd side and then reverse the next day, this landlord insists that everyone come out and move their cars out of the lot when the snow plow shows up to plow. They call everyone and come around and bang on doors. If you don’t move, you’re towed. Well, I work 3rd shift a lot. Quite often, I’m going to bed in the morning and getting up in the afternoon. So when they bang on my door and demand I come out and move my car for the snow plow, that means I only get a couple hours of sleep. A week where it snows everyday, and I end up chronically sleep deprived. I can’t be the only resident this seriously inconveniences.

    So I’m looking for a solution to 1) get my boyfriend’s towing reimbursed (and hopefully we can also get any legal fees we incur reimbursed as well), 2) allow my boyfriend to visit and park without hassle, 3) stop hassling me in the winter to move my car on the landlord’s schedule, 4) prevent any future retaliation such as not renewing my lease or jacking the rent sky-high or trying to evict me.

    1. Purple snowdrop*

      Oh my goodness that all sounds so ridiculous!! I was annoyed on your behalf just from the bit where the car was towed and yet that’s just the half of it >:(

    2. neverjaunty*

      Contact the low-income tenant group in your area and ask them for referrals to lawyers who represent tenants. It is absolutely common for those kind of groups to get calls from people who make too much money to qualify for aid, and they have to tell them ‘we can’t help you but try X’.

      You can also try your state or county bar association; they generally have referral services.

    3. TL -*

      I’d bet the boyfriend thing is legal (and if he spends the night, it definitely counts as occupancy) – that’s really common in a lot of leases. Can he walk/bike over instead of driving? The visit and park thing without hassle probably isn’t going to work out for y’all – it sounds like he’s basically living there part time and that’s afoul of many leases (not usually enforced but it can be.)
      the towing thing is really annoying but since he’s not a tenant, I’m more inclined to say they had the right to tow anyways and you won’t get reimbursed.
      The snow thing you might have some luck with, depending on the laws of your state – a lot of states have laws particular to their weather.

      1. Unhappy Tenant*

        But the lease specifically uses the word “stay” and he doesn’t stay. He leaves and goes back home multiple times a day. Basically, before I ever moved here, he doesn’t cook and would drive to the neighborhood I live in 3 times a day to eat out in restaurants. Also, to go to the bank or get his mail or run other errands. I picked this apartment because it was in the area that he already came to multiple times a day. Now that I live here, he comes over to my house for me to feed him instead. I can’t believe a lease could legally bar a friend or boyfriend or family member who lives nearby from visiting regularly. He’s not living here, not even part time. None of his stuff is here, maybe just a toothbrush. He has to go home everyday, because he has pets at his house he has to take care of, not to mention other household tasks. The lease specifically says that temporary visitors are allowed, which he is. He lives on a dirt road in the rural area just outside of town, so there’s no way that he can bike or walk over.

        Would they have the right to tow? If residents are allowed to have visitors and those visitors are allowed to use the parking lot, then they should have to notify residents so the residents could then notify any guests. Also, he and I switch cars sometimes if he has to pick someone up from the airport and there isn’t room in his car, then we swap and I have his car for the day. In that case, they would be towing my car (the tenant’s car). I have other friends visit occasionally, and according to my lease none of them stay long enough to require a parking permit (which there is no such thing as a parking permit, even for tenants, they just keep a list of license plates matched to apt. #), so I would be worried about their cars too. And sometimes I’ve used a rental while my car was being repaired. My parents are visiting this fall, but they’re not staying with me. They’re staying at a time-share condo. But their car will be here when they visit daily. It just doesn’t seem like the landlord should have the right to tow without any notice to the residents.

        I’m wondering what other people in relationships do when they don’t live together yet and each have their own place. It’s never been an issue in any other relationship I’ve ever been in, and I’ve lived in apartments for 20+ years, and I’ve never lived with a boyfriend yet. How can you maintain a serious relationship if you can’t see each other regularly because the landlord is policing your SO’s comings and goings?

        It’s doubly complicated because we both work 3rd shift a lot. I wonder if occupancy is tied to spending the night or tied to sleeping over. A lot of times, he’s over at night so we can work on a big project that’s due at 8am (I do some freelancing for his business), but he’s not sleeping over and we’re not even really socializing. We don’t have anywhere else to work, because obviously we can’t go to a coffeeshop at 3am. The majority of the time, we both sleep during the day. So if he was actually living with me, he could be sleeping over every day and be at his own house every night and that would actually be closer to living together.

        I wonder if they push this issue of not allowing him to come over, if that could be considered constructive eviction and I could get out of my lease and move. Because I really can’t stay here if he can’t come over as needed. Especially if that affects my ability to meet my work deadlines.

        Thank you for replying. It’s helping me sort out what questions I need to ask the lawyer.

        1. TL -*

          Yeah, I think the “stay” here is splitting a very fine hair that probably doesn’t exist legally. To be honest, most people just ignore that part of their lease and don’t bother the landlord so it doesn’t get enforced. You’ll have to talk to a lawyer but … while I think that if they had towed *your* car, as the tenant you could’ve asked for them to reimburse the tow fee, because they towed *his* car, he’s unlikely to see that money again. I don’t think this is constructive eviction because he’s not on the lease so there’s no reasonable expectation that he can spend a large majority of his day there. (And the occupancy thing isn’t about whether or not his toothbrush is there or you’re socializing or whatever. It’s the sheer amount of time – it does sound like he is more or less living there part time.)

          Honestly, what I think the landlord is trying to tell you is that you just need to let everything go because they know you’re violating your lease (and if you let things go, they’ll let the violation of the lease go.) I’d talk to a lawyer, but I’d be really surprised if they can do anything about it, honestly. It wasn’t a tenant’s car, it was a car that they probably could’ve towed anyways for illegally parking in their lot.

          1. Unhappy Tenant*

            I get what you’re saying, but the problem is that the landlord is not willing to let it go, so we have no choice but to fight it. Part of the “quiet enjoyment” clause of tenant’s rights is being able to have visitors come to your apartment. And if those friends, family, or S.O.’s live really close, they will visit more often than those who live far away. The clause the landlord is trying to enforce has the intent of preventing someone from living with you, not visiting you.

            1. fposte*

              The clause isn’t just to prevent somebody from living with you, though; it’s to prevent people taking up space in the parking lot and apartment for a longer period of time without paying. The landlord doesn’t really care where your BF gets his mail; he cares that his car is in the lot with considerable frequency, taking up space that he could profitably rent or that blocks out paying tenants.

              I’m not saying he’s in the right–IANAL, I don’t live there, and what I think doesn’t matter anyway. But I think you’re getting stuck on the legal residence thing and the going-back-and-forth thing you’re likely going to find that’s not what matters.

              1. Unhappy Tenant*

                I guess that would make sense if they charged for parking or if parking was limited in some way. Then they would lose money by either blocking a paying tenant or preventing them from renting the spot to someone else.

                But the lots for each building are large and always have 15-20 empty spots no matter what time he or I come or go. So the landlord is not losing money in any way, not harmed in any way, whether he is on the lease or not, whether he parks in the lot or not, they don’t gain or lose any money by just leaving us alone. It just seems like they’re being petty for no reason.

                1. TL -*

                  But it’s not your property and you don’t get to determine what’s a reasonable usage of it beyond what’s spelled out in the lease. And what’s spelled out in the lease is that your boyfriend can’t be there more than 14 days a years and I think however you look at it, he’s is staying there more than 14 days a years.
                  There’s also good other reasons for this – staying like that might give your boyfriend tenant rights in some states unless the lease specifically forbids it (which it does); if an emergency happens and the landlord reasonably believes you’re not in the apartment, s/he won’t look for a second resident and that second resident might be endangered; 2 people using an apartment puts more wear and tear on it than 1 person. Also, it did cost the landlord – you’re asking him to reimburse towing charges for a non-tenant that had already overstayed their welcome in his lots. You’re asking for him to lose money over your non-resident boyfriend.
                  Every lease I’ve been on in the USA has a clause like this; most are ignored until someone makes a complaint having to do with the non-lease person (like asking for the towing reimbursement.) I would talk to a lawyer, but keep quiet around the landlord; don’t ask for anything else until you’ve discussed things with a lawyer and know what likely outcomes are. Go to your boyfriend’s house for a while, instead of him coming over to yours, or put your boyfriend on the lease. Reasonable quiet enjoyment of your place does not include someone basically living with you.

                2. Not So NewReader*

                  TL’s point about wear and tear is a good one. My friend who is a landlord charges a little less if there is just one person. However for two or more people he has a slightly higher rate. And his reason is the wear and tear. Plus some of his bills go up, such as costs for well water. Even though he does not ask for extra when a third person moves in, he appreciates being notified that someone else is living there. It really bothers him that people can’t just be up front and say that.

                  My suggestion would be to pretend you owned the building. Would there be enough spaces to park if everyone in the building had one more guest with a car? As a “building owner for the moment”, look around, what other concerns do you see? How do you know who lives there and who is visiting? What does the increase in foot traffic mean in terms of building maintenance and repair costs? What if people want to have a second guest with a second car? What do zoning codes say in terms of how many people can occupy the building? What about building codes, do the codes limit the number of people who can rent there?

                  While I understand your upset the question is not as simple as it appears on the surface. There is more to it.

                3. Unhappy Tenant*

                  I get what you’re both saying. However, the landlord has already budgeted 2 cars per apt for tenant parking, plus the occasional guest, and I only have 1 car. If they added my boyfriend to the lease, they would not get one single dollar more. The rent is the rent and not based on how many people live there. It’s already a 2 bedroom apt, with maximum occupancy of 4 adults, so with just one person living here it has far less wear and tear than all the apartments with families. If I brought home a different guy every night of the week to stay with me, I would completely be 100% within the terms of the lease. I still think the lease is worded such that my boyfriend would have to actually live with me, not just visit regularly to be in violation. I’ll have to see what a local lawyer says. My boyfriend is actually a lawyer himself and owns his own law firm with a dozen lawyers who work for him, but they don’t specialize in real estate law. But he’s mad enough about all this that he really wants to fight them. It will end up costing the landlord far more in legal fees than it would us, because we can hire a lawyer for the real estate advice part of it and then do a bunch of additional stuff ourselves at just the cost of our time. Before owning his own home, he battled a number of his own landlords in court before and always won. So hopefully the complex will decide it’s too expensive to fight us and back down.

                4. TL -*

                  That…seems like you’re setting yourself up for a very hostile relationship with your landlord. If that’s the route you want to go, I would advise you to learn the terms of your lease by heart, exactly as they would be interpreted in a court of law, and follow them precisely. I can’t imagine your landlord will be looking for reasons to keep you on as a tenant after this.

                  If your goal is to prove to the landlord you’re right, you’re on the right track. If your goal is to stay in this apartment complex long-term for proximity to your boyfriend, I don’t think this is the best way to do it.

                5. Unhappy Tenant*

                  The goal isn’t to prove I’m right or to have a hostile relationship with the landlord. My goal is to be able to regularly spend time with my boyfriend. If we can’t go to his house, and the landlord won’t let him come to my apartment, then it won’t matter that we live a few minutes from each other, we might as well live the 8 hours apart we originally did. We’ll never get to see each other if the landlord insists on enforcing this. That’s what I’m so stressed out about. I feel like the landlord is leaving us no other option.

    5. OldMom*

      What’s the downside to just adding him to the lease? Then his car would be on file, they couldn’t object to however long he spends there…would it increase your rent? Might be worth it. (Doesn’t solve the terrible communication style of the landlord but at least they couldn’t evict you.)

      1. Unhappy Tenant*

        The problem is that it is solely MY apartment. He has his own house that is his home. If he and I break up next month, then I have to deal with him having rights to my apartment? He has to deal with being 100% responsible for my apartment, any damages, any rent I fail to pay? Each person on the lease is 100% responsible for the lease.

        1. WellRed*

          I cant speak to the rest of it, but yeah, if the plow guy comes, you gotta move your car. Do you expect him to make a special return trip? Or plow around you which creates a hassle for other tenants? The towing is ridiculous, tho.

          1. Unhappy Tenant*

            That’s how it’s worked in the 18 years I lived in apartments before moving to this one. Tenants don’t all work/sleep the same schedule. You can’t expect everyone to be able to come out and move their car at the same time. When you have a lot with 100+ cars parked there, it’s reasonable to plow what you can and then come back the next day to plow the rest. It also means that anytime I fly anywhere, I have to park my car at my boyfriend’s house so they don’t tow my (the tenant’s) car while I’m gone. It’s a ridiculous hassle for no real purpose.

            1. Toph*

              Admittedly, my own (one person) life is just as small a sample size as yours, but your experience does not sound typical to me vis a vis plowing. Everywhere I’ve lived it’s always been “if you know enough about the forecast to anticipate enough snow to require plowing is likely, it’s on you to move your car before the plow gets there”, not that the landlord expects to either notify anyone in the moment to move their cars, nor that all are expected to move their cars at the same time. They just pretty much expect you to deal with it yourself, and if you don’t, you either get towed, or plowed in.

              1. Unhappy Tenant*

                Interesting. I wonder if it varies by area or by size of the rental unit. I’ve only ever lived in large apartment complexes with multiple large buildings with multiple large lots. With so many tenants, all working/sleeping different schedules, it wouldn’t have been realistic to have everyone move before the plow truck came. I’ve lived in WI, MN, ND, (Buffalo) NY, and NH. All got a lot of snow, but never bothered tenants about moving cars, always just plowed around people still there. Since the majority of people leave for work in the morning, they could always plow enough of the lot that everyone could still park in cleared spots easily enough. Plenty of times, I would come home from a trip and have to clear off 2 weeks of snow from my car, but it was never towed. Hmm… Maybe it’s typical for this area and not just my apt. Except everyone I ever talked to at work (many who also live in apartments) have ever heard of a landlord making everyone move for the plow.

            2. TL -*

              I think the big question for me is – your boyfriend has a house. Why don’t you just shift to spending more time at his house?

              1. Unhappy Tenant*

                In 7 years together (4 years long distance with an 8 hour drive between, and now 3 years with only a 15 minute drive between), I’ve never spent any time at his house other than to bring him food if he was on a deadline and couldn’t get out of his house to eat. He’s too embarrassed by how messy his house is to let anyone inside. Even when he spends time with his daughter, she doesn’t go over to his house, he spends time with her at his ex-wife’s house or sometimes they both come over to my place. I’ve offered many times to help clean it up, but he works so many hours, he just hasn’t had time.

                My apartment is setup for all the entertainment, ie TV and media player and game systems, etc. Also, my apartment is setup for all the food prep, since I love to cook. Before I moved here, he ate all his meals in restaurants. That kitchen has probably never been used since the house was built. I don’t fancy lugging all my pots and pans and dishes back and forth between my place and his. No one else has ever lived there, so there is exactly one chair, the chair he uses, and one of us would literally have to stand the whole time I was there. Add in the fact that my dog would bark and disturb the neighbors the whole time I was gone, and it’s just not practical for me to spend time at his house.

                I don’t mean to be argumentative. I’ve really appreciated everyone’s responses. It’s given me a lot of ideas about what I need to ask the lawyer tomorrow.

  35. AvonLady Barksdale*

    We leave tomorrow for a week at the beach with the bf’s (ENTIRE FREAKING) family. I haven’t done a week-long beach vacation since I was a kid, and holy crap I had no idea how much stuff there is to prepare. We opted to handle the liquor, so we bought all that. Then there’s the sheets and towels we have to bring. I started packing the small suitcase, but noooooo, too many shoes and sweaters for that. Then there’s the dog’s stuff, and the poor dog is freaking out because he hates the suitcase. Then there are groceries to buy. I also decided to bake some bread and make some hummus on a whim, so there’s that too, and I have eggplants cooling for baba ghanoush, and my bf is making homemade falernum for tiki drinks. I just did a load of laundry and there’s another and I feel like I’m about to lose my mind trying to figure out how to get all of the crap into my (perfectly acceptable full-size 4-door) car.

    On a less stressful note, my boyfriend and I are on the exact same page about this trip. We are hoping for the best but planning to do a lot of escaping, because neither of us can deal with large groups of people for very long. I’m kind of dreading the idea of spending a week with strangers (I haven’t met most of these people), but we will have each other and we will have our buddy, who will provide great excuses for long walks.

    1. Amy*

      Oh man. I can totally relate. Last year for the holidays our entire extended family rented a house together and since everyone but my husband and I was flying in from out of state the majority of the prep work fell to us. It was awesome having everyone together, but it involved a huge amount of organization to transport everyone, plan meals, buy supplies, and so on. I wish you luck! Hopefully you get plenty of time to relax in the sand once you get there.

    2. Max Kitty*

      LOL! I totally understand! A couple of weeks ago we went for just a three-day stay at a mountain cabin with DH’s extended family and with food, cooler, camp chairs, etc. we had SO MUCH STUFF! It filled the entire back of the car.

    3. Saturnalia*

      Between the hummus, bread, baba ghanoush, and falernum, you two are *rocking* the beach prep. I want to crash this party, haha.

      It’s so lovely that you two are on the same page regarding socializing – isn’t it great when you can talk about this kinda stuff with your SO?

    4. Oh Fed*

      My daughter and I were just chatting about this. Our extended family is going on a beach vacation. Most everyone will be there for 2 weeks but I will be driving down for the second week only with my two sons and one son’s girlfriend. My daughter and I were imagining that GF may have some mixed feelings: beach and boyfriend = yay; strange people for a week = hmmmm.
      I have already decided to give up my nice master suite to her so that she has a little oasis to escape to and we booked a nice restaurant for her and my son to have a romantic lunch. We just have to figure out a way to keep my dad occupied with something other than bothering her…So busy with all of that, I haven’t even thought about packing!

    5. acmx*

      Your spread sounds great!

      But…you’re going to the beach, why do have “too many shoes and sweaters”? Those are not needed for the beach :) flip flops and swimsuits.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Ah, but… shoes for the beach, shoes for walking the dog, casual sandals for lunches, nicer sandals for dinners! (Really, it’s only four pairs.) In other words, a girl’s gotta have options!

    6. Temperance*

      I have been putting my MIL off for years. She’s been trying to get us to do a “family beach vacation”, stay in the same 2-bedroom condo with her parents, my SIL and her husband and kid, my BIL and his wife and their kid, and her best friend and her two adult children. Apparently, us wanting our own condo or hotel room is the height of rudeness, because that makes it not a family vacation? Booth tried to explain but I don’t understand. To me, packing my car full of stuff to sleep on the floor with a bunch of other people sounds hellish and not even a little vacation-y.

      It sounds like you and AvonDude are on the same page, which is wonderful.

  36. Becky*

    Feeling annoyed with people in general, and with myself for being a doormat.

    We recently purchased a house, and when we moved in we found that the sellers left a lot of junk behind. Old broken vacuum cleaners, boxes of odds and ends, old patio furniture, giant pots of dead plants, piles of boards, etc. We were annoyed but ultimately decided not to withhold any of their closing deposit because a) they were dealing with a major health crisis at the time, and b) they had previously gifted us some furniture.

    However, getting rid of all this junk has become such a headache. Much of it just needs to be hauled away, which costs money, and the stuff decent enough to be given away for free requires dealing with Craigslist People.

    Yesterday I posted some items online for free and had a huge number of people interested. Instead of not engaging with people who raised red flags (pushy, emailing in “texting language,” etc.) I tried to be fair and let people come look at items in the order they contacted me. One woman in particular was pushy and odd in her email, but since she was the first to email I had her come down to pick up some free planter pots. I made it clear the pots were filled with dirt that had to go with them since I don’t really have a good place to dump them out.

    So she shows up earlier than I said she could come (ugh) while I have the baby in the bathtub (double ugh), then when we get back to look at the pots she immediately starts pushing to dump the dirt somewhere (triple ugh). Because I have no spine I agreed to let her dump it down a slope behind my deck, and instead of waiting for her boyfriend to help her she tries to do it herself and… rolls the entire, very heavy half-barrel planter down the slope and all the way into the backyard. She’s laughing like it’s all hilarious hijinks, her boyfriend is trying to climb down after it, and they both end up flipping it over so that the entire contents of the half-barrel ends up spilled in my backyard. Then they discover spiders were living underneath it and say they don’t want it anymore. And they walk away laughing, leaving a gigantic mess, without any kind of apology. I’m standing there holding my baby in a towel royally ticked off, but all I say is, “Ugh, ok.”

    I mean, I don’t know that I really had any recourse with the Craigslist buffoons, but I’m just hugely annoyed at the whole situation. Both that we didn’t make a fuss about the previous owners leaving a bunk of junk here and that getting rid of it all is such a headache, exacerbated by my apparent lack of any kind of ability to stand up for myself and say, “No, this isn’t ok.”

    1. JKP*

      Do you have thrift stores near you? A friend runs a thrift store, and she often takes the leftovers from estate sales and then the store sells what it can and donates what can’t be sold in the store. Maybe they can come and take everything you want to get rid of in one fell swoop instead of listing each thing on craigslist.

      1. Girasol*

        This! A number of thrift stores will come to your house with a truck and load it up. Salvation Army and ARC often do. They won’t take junk but an awful lot of what might be junk to you may be saleable for them.

    2. Mela*

      I’ve never talked to free craigslist people. I just put it out front, take a picture, make one listing, describe everything, and am done! I’ve gotten rid of hundreds of things this way, in all kinds of housing situations.

    3. Sunny*

      This is why when I give something away for free, I just put it on the curb and don’t put any contact info in my Craigslist ad. First come, first served.

      Bonus if you can find a place where it’s not obvious which house it came out of!

    4. Becky*

      Yep, the “it’s on the curb, first come first served” approach is what I’ve been doing for most items. Unfortunately those planters were too heavy for me to move myself and I didn’t want people wandering through my backyard to get them on their own, so I had to do it differently. Thanks for the suggestion, though!

  37. Nacho*

    I have an etiquette question. I managed to finish paying off my student loans last month, and now I’m starting to look into buying my first house (well, condo). Unfortunately, after paying off my loans, money’s a bit tight. My grandfather is a highly respected doctor, and there’s never been any question that he’ll be leaving me a sizable amount when he dies, probably in the tens of thousands. Is there any way I can ask him for an advance on my inheritance to help me afford a condo? Or should I just wait until he dies?

    I live in Seattle, so rent is super high, and I really want to do whatever I can to avoid paying that.

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      You can absolutely ask for your inheritance in advance. It’s common for figurations like yours, where waiting would mean putting off buying a home.

    2. fposte*

      You really, really can’t ask him. I wouldn’t recommend planning around the estate money, either (you’d be surprised at who’s in debt, who owes the IRS, and who screwed up their will); just let it be a nice bonus if it comes.

      It would be fine to mention, in one of what I assume are your frequent chats with your grandfather, that you’re starting to think about buying and beginning to save up; if he offers money then you can take it. But it’s not a good plan to assume he’s giving you money and it’s just a question of adjusting the timing.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I agree with this wholeheartedly. My grandparents and I are very close (I am extremely lucky– Grandpop is 91) and while we joke about him spending my inheritance, I could never phrase such a request this way. I know they have a good amount of money, too. I also know, because we are close, that when the time comes for me to buy a house, I will not have to worry about coming up with a (reasonable) down payment. So I’d follow fposte’s advice completely.

      3. Anon attorney*

        It’s not uncommon for wealthy people to find a way to transfer assets down the generations for exactly this type of situation. It could have tax advantages for your grandfather. However, there’s a difference between accessing money held in trust for children and grandchildren, and money that is currently his but may be bequeathed in future. Do you know what his estate arrangements are? I think if I were you I’d just ask him if he could help, and not raise any specifics about how such help might be sourced or structured. If he wants to help you, he can sort that out with his estate planning attorneys and you don’t really even need to know how.

      4. Kirsty*

        Agree 100%. I am an only child, and my parents will be leaving me a huge inheritance, but I still wouldn’t ask for an advance in this way. The most you can do is ‘hint’ that you are saving up, but you can’t make him offer.

    3. Jules the First*

      I was in a similar situation and what I did was I went shopping for a house (knowing I couldn’t afford it) and then made sure that my relative and I had lunch a few days later and that we talked about the fact that I was house shopping and could afford the mortgage and closing costs but that it was so hard to come up with enough for a reasonable deposit and that I was short. He then offered the money – more than I was hoping for. So while you can’t ask him directly, you can bring it up and see if he volunteers.

  38. Sophie*

    I’m not a breakfast person. I usually have something like oatmeal or a muffin, but it’s getting old. Does anyone have any great breakfast ideas?

    1. all aboard the anon train*

      My go-to for a quick breakfast is cottage cheese on toast (pumpernickel, especially) or an english muffin. Sometimes I’ll change it up with avocado mash and a fried egg or cream cheese, smoked salmon, and cucumber. Yogurt with fruit and granola is another good, easy breakfast.

      I also like breakfast hash since it’s easy to make beforehand and heat up. Sweet potatoes, kielbasa, mushrooms, and asparagus is my favorite. A fried egg on top if I have time. If I don’t have time for the egg, I’ll put in some goat cheese.

      Quiches are also nice and there’s a bunch of good recipes online. They’re pretty easy to make and last for a few days, and freeze wonderfully well. Same for breakfast burritos. I usually make a big batch and stick them in my freezer for easy grab and go breakfasts.

      Waffles and pancakes are another great thing you can make in a big batch and then reheat in the morning.

      1. Saturnalia*

        I keep coming back to this, because *breakfast burritos*… I think I need breakfast burritos for dinner. And why not make enough to freeze for future breakfasts? :-)

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          I actually prefer breakfast burritos to normal burritos. And I’ve totally eaten them for dinner. The problem with making things in batches and freezing them is that I know they’re in the freezer and want to eat them immediately, not save them for a later date.

          1. Saturnalia*

            This is pretty silly, but sometimes I get extra tipsy after making the food but before storing it, so that I can hide treats for Future Saturnalia. I have also been known to tuck a twenty into winter wear at the end of the season so that I’ll have a nice surprise when it’s cold again.

            I am with you 100% on superiority of breakfast v other burritos, though. I credit potatoes.

    2. Saturnalia*

      I got into homemade smoothies: greens, protein powder (I adore hpn prozero strawberry), half a lime, fruit, and water. I have this about 25 days per month. For years. Somehow it’s still doing it for me!

      For hot breakfast, we enjoy coconut rice with (veggie) breakfast sausage, sweet chili garlic sauce, and thinly sliced raw veggies. The rice is cheap and easy to make in bulk and freeze in portions, and it turns out making the sauce is also super cheap and easy. Lemme know if you’re interested in recipes or more details!

          1. Kara Zor-El*

            Thanks! My husband and I both love chili sauces, and this sounds like it’d be amazing mixed w/ cream cheese for a dip.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Do you like sweet or savory? I generally eat a bit of cottage cheese with salsa in the morning. Sometimes I add a hard-boiled egg. I like to do fried rice– this morning’s had coconut oil, sriarcha, egg, and nori. When I have fresh bread, it’s toasted and topped with butter and avocado (and a good sprinkle of sea salt).

    4. liz*

      I just have leftover dinner or what ever I have on hand for breakfast. I let go of the idea of special (usually sweet) breakfast foods. It is very liberating.

    5. Bex*

      I love breakfast, but I love sleeping more, so I never have time to make a decent breakfast during the week. Overnight oats are staple for me. You mix raw rolled oats, milk (I use soy or coconut), and goodies like frozen fruit and nuts in a mason jar, then leave it in the fridge overnight. In the morning, the oats have soaked up the milk making a kind of cold porridge. I vary the flavor combos/mix-ins to keep it interesting – blueberries and sliced almonds, walnuts & maple syrup, raspberries and vanilla, etc. I also toss in some chia seeds and flax for a little nutritional boost.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Seconding overnight oats/bircher muesli! Especially in the summer, so refreshing and tasty! I stir oats and OJ together, then top with yogurt and fruit and nuts — my favorite is shredded apple, raspberries, and walnuts — and a little honey or maple syrup. All I have to do in the morning is give it a stir!

    6. Loopy*

      Myself and two coworkers have become obsessed with overnight oats. Know you said you were tired of oatmeal but there are so many amazing combinations and ideas out there if you google overnight oats. Since they are make ahead and you make them in mason jars they are easy to grab and go and you can have different combos every day of the week.

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Single serving frittatas made in muffin tins. I usually throw in some chopped veggies and cheese, maybe some crumbled cooked sausage or ham. I make a batch on Sunday and they last through the work week.

    9. Girasol*

      Cottage cheese is my go-to. A smoothie of cottage cheese, milk, cocoa and orange juice or peanut butter is a great thing to make up the night before and drink in the morning. Or make heavy cream of cottage cheese with just enough milk to make it blend smooth in the blender and spoon it over berries or shortcake.

    10. Hey Anonny Nonny*

      I either make breakfast burritos or breakfast sandwiches that you can freeze and reheat throughout the week. For breakfast sandwiches I like splitting an English muffin for the bread and then layering with ham, Provolone or Swiss cheese, and a fried egg on top. If you like sweet breakfasts than overnight oats or smoothies are great ideas. You can even make ahead your smoothies by prepping all of your ingredients and then putting them in individual freezer bags that you grab each morning to blend up. Pinterest has a lot of posts that can help you with either type of make-ahead breakfast prep.

    11. Mischa*

      Sometimes I make baked steel cut oats with fruit and nuts, no added sugar (personal preference). If I’m feeling lazy, I’ll make a batch of steel cut oats to last me the week and I usually eat mine with no sugar added jam or jelly with a dash of cream. I eat a TON of eggs. Sometimes scrambled (and you can totally make these the night before) or in a quiche.

    12. A. Schuyler*

      My go-to summer breakfast is a fruit salad. There’s one place near my work that uses a lot of fruits I like and not too many of the ones I don’t, so I usually pick one up there. I like that it’s refreshing, relatively healthy and can be eaten with very little mess at my desk as I get settled in the morning.

  39. Kate R. Pillar*

    Thanks to everyone who helped me get over my nerves re: writing a condolence letter last week!
    You were all very much right in that the cliché phrases are cliché for a reason in this matter and the card was in the mail on Monday.

    So I did not try to reinvent the wheel and ended up writing something much like the following:
    “X told me that your mom has died. I was very sorry to hear that and I am thinking of you.
    I hope you feel the support of all the people who love you during this trying time.
    Please feel very much hugged!”

    (My translation probably sounds clunkier than the original).

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Perfect.

      Sometimes people lose their ability to concentrate, it’s a symptom of grief. This is why brief is very good, they can process a message like this.

  40. Kristen*

    Accidentally nested this upthread… I really struggle with this whole internet thing.

    It’s time for me to live vicariously through you all. I love to cook, but have been too darn busy studying for this test to have time to cook regularly. Thankfully, I’m almost done.

    What are you cooking this weekend?

    2. all aboard the anon train*

      Making a big batch of cabbage pierogi this weekend since I scored a great deal on cabbage at a farmer’s market. My family recipe gets me about 4 – 5 dozen so my freezer is going to be full of them to last me until the holidays. I’ll probably fry those up with some kielbasa and potato pancakes with mushroom sauce later.

      Other than that, I made some vegan funfetti cupcakes for my brother’s birthday, which turned out delicious. I haven’t had funfetti cupcakes since I was a kid, so that was fun.

      1. CAA*

        Your Polish food sounds so good! Just thinking about home-made pierogi makes me miss my Grandma.

    3. LadyKelvin*

      We are having people over this weekend so we’re making pork but in the crock pot with Jamaican bbq sauce, Brussels sprouts, barley, cranberry, and pecan salad, and lemon blackberry cheesecake. The buns for the pork are from scratch too. Yum.

    4. NB*

      I’m in the middle of a Whole30, so I’ll probably make something like Melissa’s chicken hash this weekend. It’s delicious.

    5. Nicole*

      I made baked Mac and Cheese yesterday. There’s only two of us so we’ll be eating it all weekend. It’s so delicious but takes over an hour to make and dirties a lot of cookware so I only make it a handful of times a year.

    6. Emma*

      Smoking a pork butt & making a salad with spinach, smoked Gouda, baked shallot rings, tiny tomatoes, and a really delicious super simple Dijon/red wine vinegar/salt/pepper/olive oil vinaigrette. Yum!

    7. Parenthetically*

      Making a really simple keema with rice and peas tonight. It’s a favorite fast dinner. I never use a recipe but we like it spicy and tomato-y! I’ve also got some baking projects in the pipeline. Almond butter muffins and probably some applesauce ones as well. And I’m craving a dutch baby for brunch tomorrow to use up the last of the sweet cherries in the crisper drawer!

      I also have GOT to start thinking about some freezer meals for when this baby comes. Suggestions most welcome — important info being that we don’t own a microwave.

    8. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Ugh, I just got home and found my crock pot was off due to a flipped breaker, and my chicken taco meat is ruined. Now I will cook pancakes and scrambled eggs. Or else breakfast burritos.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Crock pot chicken tacos: round 2. I made breakfast burritos for dinner last night, and today I put my fresh, new chicken taco ingredients in the crock pot. Now, as long as nobody overloads the circuit by running the dishwasher (don’t even ask about my old, 1960’s wiring), I’ll have a nice dinner that will feel like I didn’t even cook it.

    9. AcademiaNut*

      I cooked frog for the the first time, after finding fresh frog in the traditional market.

    10. Stellaaaaa*

      I went to Chipotle. A friend recently told me the DUH that you can ask for the salad dressing with a burrito bowl. Do it, you must.

    12. Kate in Scotland*

      We’ve just had both slow cookers on overnight (batch cook for the freezer – pork goulash in the small one and beef/aubergine/coconut curry in the large one.

    13. overeducated*

      I’m envying others’ menus! So far I’m just trying to use up the too many veggies I bought last week. Yesterday I tried to substitute fried zucchini for brussels sprouts in the Momofuku recipe with fish sauce as a side, and it was so awful we threw it out (I’ve made it with sprouts before and liked it). So, uh, don’t do that.

      Today I made a quick creamed spinach to eat with eggs and toast for lunch, and now I’m braising green beans Turkish style with onion and tomato and pressure cooking collard greens. When the pressure cooker is free I want to make tomato sauce with meat, since two of my coworkers were eating it this week and I REALLY want some, and I will also make pizza dough.

  41. Insurance Geek*

    Committed to starting and sticking to weight watchers again. Husband and I really want a baby sometime in 2018 & losing weight would be helpful.

    1. Book Lover*

      It is so hard. I lose 10lb, say that’s it, never want to gain it back, and then a few months later I have to start losing it all over again. WW is a great choice. Good luck with 2018 also :)

      1. Book Lover*

        Oh, which is not to say I only have 10lb to lose. I could lose four or five times that. I just don’t :(

  42. Claire*

    Okay, I need some sense talked into me because I’m going crazy and driving everyone around me crazy.
    My old childhood friend “Karen” is getting married. Karen isn’t the easiest person to deal with. She had a tough childhood (abusive parents, learning disabilities) and I always tried to be there for her through thick and thin. Life got in the way and we lost touch. She went on to grad school and I moved out of state for work and was dealing with family issues, so we sort of stopped talking. Karen would probably blame it on me, but we didn’t have much in common and had different things going on.
    Flash forward 6 years and Karen is getting married and I find out that our mutual friend “Cindy” is a bridesmaid in Karen’s wedding. Cindy used to be part of our friendship group, but started to distance herself from the group.
    Cindy and I used to be close, but she became really focused on guys and started to become really competitive to the point where it was impossible to talk to her without it being a constant one-up contest. She became unlike her usual self- bitter, competitive, bragging, etc. so I did back away from that friendship after much debate because I couldn’t take it anymore. I would share news with her and she wouldn’t be happy for me. She would yell at me and then pretend everything was fine. I would drive her around and she never thanked me…. It wasn’t a friendship.
    Karen told me that she and Cindy texted occasionally with one another, but that seemed it. I’m just shocked that Cindy is in Karen’s wedding. I didn’t expect to be in it obviously and am not invited to the wedding, but I’m shocked that they’re close now.

    I emailed them to wish them my best and Karen wrote back and was really sweet, but I feel weird about the whole thing. I’m not expecting anything, but I feel a little hurt and confused by it all. How do I deal with this?

    1. Turtlewings*

      It sounds like Cindy may well be Karen’s oldest friend that she’s still in contact with. I don’t say this to condemn you for not staying in touch with Karen, goodness knows I’m bad at that kind of thing too. But if Karen’s old friends fell out of touch like you, and Karen’s “not the easiest person” and hasn’t been able to make new close friends, she may not have had many choices beyond Cindy. Besides, your experience with Cindy does not equal Karen’s experience with Cindy, i.e. just because you found Cindy to be unpleasant doesn’t mean Karen did. It’s been 6 years and they could easily have become closer in that time than you and Cindy ever were. Cindy may act differently with Karen, or Karen may just be more willing to put up with it, etc. It doesn’t seem strange to me that Karen would have an old friend in her wedding party, even if other old friends didn’t get along with her.

    2. overeducated*

      I’m sorry, that kind of thing does hurt. I think wedding invitations often depend heavily on who is in the couple’s life at the given moment, so it might really just reflect who’s kept in touch well more than the quality of your friendship.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime is my go-to with stuff like this. I use this saying because I need to get to a peaceful place and go on to other aspects of my life.

      It looks like Karen needed you in her life more than you needed her. She had difficulties growing up. Perhaps you were there for her reason and her season. Once you both no long had a crisis load to share, you both moved on. Some bonds are formed in crisis that never would have happened any other way. Once the crisis is reduced/gone, the relationship seems to vaporize as there is not much else in common.

      Cindy sounds like she had her own difficulties that she did not share and that may have been a part of the competitive behaviors. Cindy sounds like a friend for a season. You guys hung out for a bit, you found out that you had different approaches to life and you both moved on.

      Karen gave you a sweet reply. That is good, I am happy to hear that. Sometimes we can have friends we think warmly of, even though we do not participate in their current lives. It could be that Karen is thinking this way.

      As far as Karen and Cindy ending up as friends, people do people-y things. You may never find out what happened there. But they were texting each other and they probably figured out that they had some stuff in common so they started hanging out together. The important thing to see here is that it could very well be that it’s not anything you did or did not do.

      I think it is human nature not to think about people moving on and having changes in their lives. We can have a tendency to believe people are in the same setting they were when we last saw them x years ago. And that is simply not true, which we know on a logical basis but can be hard to apply it to our mental images that we have of people.

      In a silly example, I got to see my friend’s granddaughter the other day. I don’t know, I still thought of her as short. She’s not short anymore. Just as nothing stands still, neither do people. Time passes and we see many different types markers indicating passage of time.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      The timing matters here. At what age was Cindy boy-crazy and competitive? And how old was Karen when she was showing the obvious scars of her life situation? You weren’t wrong to place your own sanity first and create some space for yourself, but you can’t discount the reality that most boy-crazy teenagers do not grow up into boy-crazy adults. The reasons you drifted from Cindy and Karen might not exist anymore.

      Like someone else said, Karen might have scrambled a bit to find people to fill out her bridal party. It’s also possible that Cindy and Karen have the sort of friendship where they take equal amounts of crap from each other. People who have lots of baggage can have fairly healthy friendships with each other, but if you’re not bringing that to the table, it’s codependent for you.

      1. Claire*

        Cindy was 25-26 years old when she was doing the boy crazy stuff. (We were a bit too naive for that when we were teens.) Cindy lost weight and gained more confidence, but it then turned into anxiety and competitions. She also experienced the loss of a beloved pet and rejection from grad school. So I think she was a bit depressed and had a lot going on.

        I honestly tried to be there for her, but it got to be too much. She started being really mean to me. She would write letters expressing remorse, but in person she would be totally different. (Actions speak louder than words.) I tried, but I had to step away for my own good.

  43. Cara*

    Travel destinations for people who like hiking/outdoor activities!

    If you had 4-5 days free in September, were based in LA (or on the west coast in general) and wanted to travel somewhere (preferably internationally) where would you go?

    Would Japan/Mt Fuji be feasible? I’m seeing conflicting weather conditions for Sept. We’ve also thrown around Yellowstone. Costa Rica? Staycation and go to Joshua Tree? I don’t even know where to start.
    On the we’ve already been there/going in the next 6 months list: Singapore, Thailand, Malaysia, Seattle, Las Vegas, southern Utah, Bay Area, Mexico, El Salvador, Hawaii, New York, Paris. I’m open to any place, it’s my husband who is a little pickier.

    1. Vir for Emperor*

      Hiking and the outdoors, international but not super far away/in a totally different time zone… maybe try the Canadian Rockies – Banff or Jasper? Bonus, admission to these national parks is free in 2017 because of Canada’s 150th “birthday”.

      1. CAA*

        Yeah, I also immediately thought of Canada. Vancouver Island has some amazing trails. There’s also the Sunshine Coast trail on the mainland. You could base yourself someplace like Powell River and hike segments of that on different days.

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          I went up to the north end of Vancouver Island and did a day long kayaking trip with a friend and had a great time – its still pretty remote. Alternatively there are always the state parks in Washington (Olympic) which are pretty remote. Or the coast of Oregon.

          Boundary Waters in MN for canoeing?

        2. AcademiaNut*

          Vancouver Island would be a good option – you can get a direct flight from LA to Victoria, or go through Vancouver, and the weather tends to be pretty good in September – there will be fire restrictions, though, so likely no campfires.

          I definitely would not go to Japan on a 4-5 day trip unless I had to. The one way trip is a minimum of 19 hours, assuming a direct flight, no delays, and expert navigation of Tokyo’s public transportation system. So that leaves you with 2-3 days, and 9 hours jetlag.

      2. Al Lo*

        Yup, Banff was my first thought.

        Calgary is only a 3-hour flight from L.A., with multiple flights/day, so you can maximize your schedule. Only one time zone different. Lots of trails and hiking in spectacular mountains. Calgary has lots of great restaurants and cultural stuff to do if you wanted to spend a day in the city on one end of your trip or the other. September is pretty typically still nice weather — not hot, but you’ll start to get some gorgeous leaves turning, especially by about the third week of the month. Banff is cooler than Calgary, but not too cold. It’s possible to see snow in September, but that hasn’t been the case in the last few years — we’ve had some really beautiful, temperate autumns.

    2. katamia*

      Scotland, especially further north. There’s a lot of hiking/outdoorsy stuff there. I’d go earlier in September if you can, though, because some of the touristy stuff closes for the winter (dates vary based on the site). It apparently can get very rainy, though. (I say “apparently” because I was there last year in Sept/Oct for about two weeks, and it was sunny practically every day when I was there, which people were marveling at.)

    3. Dan*

      I wouldn’t leave the US for just five days, especially on vacation. Travel time and jet lag eats up so much of it.

    4. Cara*

      Oh, and I’m in Portland at the moment but without DH.
      I’m having a blast, so maybe Portland?!

    6. Book Lover*

      I had family just go to Japan, leaving from the west coast. It was almost a full day travel each way. I don’t see that would make sense for 4-5 days off?

    7. Bex*

      Personally, I would want at least a week to do Mt. Fuji/Japan. With a day of travel in each direction, you’d only get to spend 2-3 days actually enjoying yourself!

      If you don’t mind staying in CA, Yosemite is gorgeous in September and the summer crowds are gone.

      If you really want to go international, what about Panama? There are direct flights from LAX and you could go to either Bocas del Toro or the San Blas Islands.

      1. blackcat*

        +1 for Yosemite in mid/late September. Less crowded, and this year the snow pack was thick enough that the waterfalls should still be substantial. 4 days lets you see all of the accessible parts of the park (the park is actually huge, much of it true backcountry that takes 2-3 days of hiking to reach). If you’re up for camping & can get a spot, staying in Tuolumne for a night or two is a great idea. Pack warm clothes though if you stay above ~7,000 ft; in Sept, at those elevations, it can freeze overnight (while being like 75 and lovely during the day).

    8. acmx*

      I don’t think you can hike Mt Fuji in September so I’d check into that first.

      Yellowstone and Costa Rica are nice options.

    9. nonprofit manager*

      I wouldn’t travel internationally with 4-5 days because travel and jet lag would consume a lot of that time. Instead, I’d go to the eastern Sierra and plan to spend a couple of days in Yosemite on the way home. Drive north on 395 from LA, spend a couple of days on the eastern side, then take the Tioga Pass into Yosemite. The eastern sierra is great for hiking and outdoor activities and the weather is wonderful in September. Depending if you’re going early or late, you may even see changing colors.

    10. Chaordic One*

      I would probably recommend Banff and Yoho National Parks in Alberta and British Columbia first. Less crowded and touristy than Yellowstone and Teton National Parks. Glacier National Park in Montana and Waterton Lakes National Park in Alberta are also beautiful and only a bit farther away than Yellowstone and Teton (which are not bad).

      September really is the time of year to go.

  44. Loopy*

    Does anyone read Cassandra Clare? I know it’s YA but so many people have recommended her to me I decided to pick up her latest series and apparently even though it’s a separate series… I spoiled an entire earlier series of hers for myself?! I’m only 100 pages in!

    Pretty bummed. Just had to vent. :/

    1. all aboard the anon train*

      I read her fanfiction back in the day when she was plagiarizing it and getting teenagers to buy her new laptops and other stuff….but not any of her published stuff. From what I hear, one of her series is almost an exact copy of her fanfic.

      1. katamia*

        Yep. Her first trilogy has a lot of similarities to her fanfiction, and IIRC there are a couple lines from her fanfiction that she used again practically word for word in the first trilogy.

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          I’m now remembering the drama over her using The Mortal Instruments as the title of her first series when she used that title for a Ron/Ginny fic. I can’t believe I forgot that. It caused some weird, but entertaining, drama online.

      2. Book Lover*

        Lol, same. Some of her published books are reportedly iffy in terms of plagiarism, too – I think there is a lawsuit ongoing?

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          Oh, really? I can’t say I’m surprised. Her fics had a lot of plagiarism.

          I’m going to consider this schadenfreude for her being such a horrid person during the fandom years and from what I hear, present day. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how awful she was and how she became the epitome of an online bully.

          1. Loopy*

            Whoa I was unaware of all of this. Glad to hear it now (and a tad curious if you care to dish out more, but I can google too).

            I’m on twitter and every author I’ve ever tweeted directly has been so lovely and gracious and kind. There are so many wonderful authors out there who conduct themselves admirably and are a joy to interact with (however minimally). It’s a shame to hear this.

              1. all aboard the anon train*

                To this day, the msscribe story is one of the craziest things I have ever seen unfold online.

              2. Detective Amy Santiago*

                Oh, man, the Ms. Scribe story is one of my favorite things on the internet.

                And I refuse to read CC’s books. She doesn’t deserve my hard earned money.

              3. Loopy*

                I….tried to get through the msscribe thing but omg I had to start skimming. My jaw dropped at the amount of drama that people engaged in. I am so so so grateful I have never sun that amount of time and emotion into online forums/drama.

                Wow….

                2. TL -*

                  Yeah, I’m glancing over it and the very start, where she says it’s to document fast-disappearing fanfiction history..
                  Well, history is important but that’s not where my mind would have gone, I guess!

            2. all aboard the anon train*

              Here’s a good overview: https://fanlore.org/wiki/Cassandra_Claire

              TL;DR: she “claimed” to have had her laptop stolen and people donated thousands of dollars to her, and then it came out that maybe there was no burglary; she profited financially from fandom A LOT and at the time it was taking advantage of a lot of teenage girls who just wanted someone popular to like them; she bullied people who criticized her, even going as far as calling the police, trying to get someone kicked out of university, or threatening to sue or call their place of employment; she was nasty towards anyone whose appearance or personality she didn’t like; if she said or did something people got upset about she tried to blame it on someone else.

              1. WillowSunstar*

                This makes me glad I never got involved in HP fanfic back when I still had time to write fanfic.

              2. Sylvia*

                Oooh, time for another read.

                This whole thing was wild. I wasn’t in Harry Potter fandom, but still managed to hear about it.

                I had totally forgotten that she wrote The Very Secret Diaries!

      3. Loopy*

        I vaguely knew she started in fan fiction and it was Harry Potter fan fiction but not much about her at all. I stayed away because I knew if I spotted any similarities I’d be able to pick out who she based the characters on and it would be ruined.

        I hoped that since so much time has passed those issues would be gone and it was why I picked up later series.

        Sad to hear all that weirdness about the laptops.

    2. Lily Evans*

      I enjoyed her first two trilogies when I was in high school, but stopped when she expanded the first trilogy into six books and they were awful. I wouldn’t recommend any of them now without that caveat, and after attempting to reread in college they were definitely worse than I remembered! High school me loved the angsty romantic drivel, but it’s definitely not my thing any more. Also, she seems like such a horrid person on social media I’d rather not support her. I love YA, but I steer clear of her books now.

      1. Loopy*

        I’m actually super appreciative on the insight on her character. I know nothing about her but she’s coming to a major book festival in my area this fall. Hence me finally trying to pick up her books on yet another recommendation. But if she has a reputation for bad interactions I’ll happily spend my time in line for other authors!

    3. Ron McDon*

      I love Cassandra Clare’s books, and am currently re-reading The Mortal Instruments series. You do need to read them in series order to avoid spoilers, so many of the characters and storylines crossover from one series to another.

      I am not really interested in social media, so have missed whatever has been going on there!

      It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I generally like her writing – although I do get frustrated by the similarities between the different series, e.g. there always seems to be at least one love triangle and a ‘reason’ that the main male and female characters can’t be together…!

      1. Loopy*

        Aside from all the online drama she has surrounding her, I do have to admit I am super annoyed that reading separate series really has to happen in a specific order. If they are so intertwined, are they *really* separate series????

        1. Ron McDon*

          You make a good point!

          I suppose the idea is that she has created this whole ‘world’ so characters appear in more than one series because it is all happening in the same world… idk. It is frustrating when you’re happily reading one book series thinking you’re safe from spoilers about a different book series you’re partway through when – bam! – there’s a spoiler about the book you were going to read next! Not cool…

  45. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

    Feeling really rattled today. Yesterday someone was evicted from my apartment building, and their apartment was noisily and messily cleaned out… all over the front lawn! Yesterday there were workers throwing things into a dump truck, but then it started raining and apparently they just stopped bothering. I came downstairs this morning to leave for work and the walkway from my building to the parking lot was entirely covered in the detritus of someone’s life — furniture, appliances, clothing, personal possessions, all just strewn out and mostly broken across the grass and sidewalk.

    I’m… well. Horrified is maybe too strong a word, but I’m quietly judging my landlord pretty hard for this. I mean, someone stops paying rent and pulls a vanishing act, you gotta do what you gotta do, but I feel like this put it very much in the faces of everyone who still lives here. A lawnfull of someone’s smashed stuff? Feels weird, man.

    I’m hoping to move somewhere nicer and closer to work, maybe as early as next year, and this cemented that feeling for me. Even when I lived in a place that was on The Wire, I didn’t see anything quite this blatantly… I don’t know. Quite so blatant of a ‘screw you’?

    1. Saturnalia*

      WOW.

      I’d be having feels too. It’s difficult for me to let go of stuff in general, and seeing those inanimate objects that seem to have lived and still have potential to live just disrespected… Ouch.

    2. Christy*

      I had to have furniture hauled out of my apartment because I wasn’t eligible for bulk trash pickup, and I used the same service my apartment complex uses for evictions. It’s just totally different. We’d just had movers take really good care of our stuff and here the junk haulers were trashing it on the way to the truck.

      It helped me to remember that one of the men was the owner of the company, and he was still hauling, and he was just a man with a small business, and his business was to dispose of stuff for the person/landlord who hired him.

      It still feels shitty to see, though, when you are a fellow tenant.

      1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

        It was actually bordering on scary last night. Our building transmits vibrations very easily, and the place was shaking with all the smashing going on — including loud shattering glass!

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      I’d be horrified I think. There’s something so sad and just… intimate about the idea of someone’s life laid out so carelessly and violently. Hugs to you if wanted – it sounds upsetting to have seen it.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      While I agree with you that this was very poorly and unprofessionally handled I also see that stuff is changing.

      Of the landlords I know, most of them have had to evict many tenants. The tenants leave behind massive amounts of stuff. One landlord found the kid’s birth certificate, papers from school and drawings. Stuff that makes you think, what is happening to that kid? Some things left behind are of surprisingly high dollar value. (Yet they could not pay the rent?) Landlords can get pretty angry at what they find. So we get to see reactions like you describe here. I am not saying it’s right, I am just saying this is where it is coming from. Honestly, I don’t find either side blameless.
      In listening to some landlords talk, they seem to be overwhelmed by the upkeep of the property. I think that some people are just not prepared for all that it takes to be a landlord.

      Again, I agree with you totally. People seem to be getting shorter and shorter fuses in landlord/tenant situations.

      1. fposte*

        I was also wondering if this was about the people doing the hauling and if the landlord wasn’t expecting to see stuff all over the lawn either.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I thought about that, too. And perhaps that is what happened. But I wondered why the landlord did not check on the work at some point. My rule of thumb is whenever I hire any one to do any thing, I have to check the work, so this could be my own rigidness factoring in. The longer I go the more I see that people do whatever and think it’s okay. It seems kind of naïve to me not to check on the work.

    5. Observer*

      I understand how you feel. But if your area is anything like New York in how evictions happen, this could be the end of a very log drawn process – and tenants can be pretty obnoxious. Almost certainly the tenants could have taken their stuff out on the day they were evicted.

      Still, I can see how it would be unpleasant and upsetting for everyone else.

      1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

        Yeah, I’m not so much bothered that stuff has to be removed — I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do. But leaving it smashed and strewn all over the place (it’s STILL THERE!) makes a gigantic mess for everyone. The stairwell indoor is a mess, though not actually obstructed.

        http://imgur.com/a/GyCmn This is what I’ve been getting to stare at for the past couple days.

        1. Observer*

          Oh, wow! Yes, that’s nuts regardless of the the eviction. Has the landlord / management said anything about when they will clean up?

          1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

            Not a word. I’m planning to call them on my lunch break today and ask about it.

  46. overeducated*

    My toddler is skipping his nap for the first time today. Help me, I’m not ready for this! He’s never been a big sleeper – he already woke up earlier than on the weekdays and he usually goes to sleep between 9:30 and 10, at which point I have maybe an hour left max before I crash. I’m so tired! If he’s done napping I am not going to have any weekend free time ever again!

    1. Really*

      You need to work on quiet time. He doesn’t have to sleep but must stay quietly in his room.

      1. Book Lover*

        Easier said than done! I’ve tried that. Quiet during quiet time usually means a grand catastrophe. As I listen to my daughter whine because she is tired.

        But she goes to bed at 7, up at 6, which gives me quiet time. Can you start getting him down earlier?

        1. overeducated*

          Literally up until today he has eventually napped. The problem with quiet time is keeping him in the bed or even his room – he can play quietly by himself for a bit, but getting him to stay in one place while awake for at least an hour? No way. He’s a “run till he drops” type kid and we haven’t found a way to sustain a state that is neither running nor dropping. Trying to keep him quiet is exhausting. I’m open to tips and tricks if you have any….

          We’ve actually been having trouble getting him down at his usual time recently despite starting the bedtime routine earlier. Unfortunately I’ve heard this is a common sign of growing out of naps, and when you get rid of the nap, bedtime gets easier.

          He’s never slept more than 9-10 hours a night. In some ways I appreciate having more time together in the evenings, but in others I envy the parents of 7-6 sleepers!

          1. Parenthetically*

            What about quiet time being time for him to work on fine-motor stuff? My brother was a run-till-he-drops kid, but would also take things apart/put them back together for longer than I would read (which was a LONG time), especially if there was music going in the background. I’m talking complicated things that require screwdrivers and perseverance, not silly kiddie things. It had to be fiddly enough and difficult enough to keep his full attention, but shoot, if you had a bunch of stuff like that to keep your boy occupied for an hour a day? He’ll grow up to be an inventor or engineer and keep you in the lap of luxury the rest of your days! :) Good luck!

            1. Not So NewReader*

              This describes my husband. Friends would save broken mechanical things for him to take a part and put back together. Once he got older and it was felt he could keep himself safe he was given electrical things to work on. Later as an adult he said that as a kid he had no interest in toy replicas of things, he wanted real clocks and what have you to take a part and put back together.
              Yeah, he did grow up to be a genius in his work.

              1. overeducated*

                I think he would love this when he’s a little older, he does like to take things apart and put them back together. He’s still so little that we have to worry about choking hazards and he doesn’t have much patience to try things for a while before having a tantrum, though, so it’s not the kind of break from close supervision that we get from a nap. (Also, I’m curious what your husband does today!)

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  My husband ended up repairing business machines. It did not fit with what everyone thought he could do. Friends commented he should have been working at NASA. The books he read would knock most people for a loop, just way out there heavy reading- nuclear science, nuclear theory and so on. As a kid, he was a challenge for his parents. Around age 10 his father caught him building an x-ray machine from scratch (this was the 1950s). Dad had to explained about the dangers of unshielded x-radiation. That is how his childhood went.

                  I think he ended up where he did because of his beliefs about the value of a human life. As an adult he had a friend who worked on x-ray equipment and his comment was, “I don’t want that level of responsibility where a human life is at risk.” He preferred working on machines that were used for more mundane purposes. But he was extremely adaptable, even with the limits he had set for himself. He was able to repair machines with no prep, no previous experience and in some cases he wasn’t even sure what the machine did when it worked correctly. (lol)

          2. Jules the First*

            With most of the kids I’ve had the pleasure of nannying, end of naptime made bedtime more difficult, not less. My four-year-old nephew (run-till-he-drops) is a non-napper, with one glaring exception: put him in his carseat in the truck and he’s out like a light. Have you tried that?

            If you’re not drivers, you could try outdoor naptime – a mini tent and a superhero sleeping bag can do wonders. The other thing you can try is to remove the quiet limitation – he needn’t be quiet, he just has to entertain himself. And finally, you could try reading a story or two to get him to calm down a gear before you start naptime/self-directed time.

            1. overeducated*

              He does fall asleep in the car, but doesn’t stay asleep for the transfer up to our third floor apartment any more, and we don’t live in a place where we could try outdoors. On that note, today he fell asleep in his stroller on the way home after we wore him out with 3 hours at the park and church, and I managed to keep him asleep by carrying the whole thing upstairs with him in it!

              The only good thing about yesterday’s skipped nap was that he went to bed an hour early and we got to watch a movie before I fell asleep. I could live with that, probably.

          3. Observer*

            Don’t keep him in his bed. Give him something to do that’s not highly active, though.

      2. NB*

        Yes! It can be hard to establish, but you will be so glad if you can make it happen. Quiet time saved my sanity. I had my girls look at books or color or play with a quiet toy on their beds.

  47. ThatGirl*

    For those who read my post last week, my dad is out of the hospital and was cleared to travel so I see him Tuesday! And I can tell him all about my new j-o-b.

  48. AlaskaKT*

    More in the on going friend dump saga: Husband confronted them yesterday. Actually confronted is a bad term, more like he saw them outside while driving by and played really, reeeeeally dumb about not being friends anymore. When he got around to asking why they didn’t ‘seem’ to want to hang out anymore, he got a hemming and hawing ‘well we just come up here to be by ourselves and we have lots of work to get done around here so we don’t want guests and we were helping you to much.”

    So yeah, pretty much confirms they friend dumped us and fired my husband because of my orientation because A) they were outside when my husband stopped by having a party, and B) asking someone to work for you 1-2 days a week is not “helping” them to much.

    Side note: had my first ever tarot card reading last week that was scarily accurate about this whole situation, so I think I’ll take the cards advice and walk away from this friendship.

    1. Effie, less broken*

      Sounds like a solid choice you’re making. The situation sucks, and maybe it helps to keep in mind that this a reflection of their character, not your husband and yours. Sending you rainbows if you want them!

  49. Tau*

    Tales from the flat search…

    Back when I was living in the UK, my mother used to be shocked! And horrified! At some of the things I went through renting. So now that I’m back in Germany, I expected a bit less nonsense.

    WELP.

    I’ve had two offers of accommodation. Offer #1 decided not to provide a rental contract but to instead go through AirBnb. For a long term let. Um, no thank you. I like German rental protections! In particular, I’d like to have them! Offer #2 did offer a contract… provided I pay a year’s worth of rent up-front. In addition to the three months’ deposit. This after I sent them all the documents proving my good credit, history of paying rent on time, proof of income, etc. My reaction to this can be summed up as a combination of what the flibberty?!?! and sheer indignant rage.

    The people I’m staying with have suggested contacting letting agencies as “Frau Dr. Tau, PhD” instead of “Frau Tau”, saying that it’ll make people take me a lot more seriously and make them a lot less likely to try nonsense such as the above. I’m reluctant because I haaaaaate PhD grandstanding and try to keep my own quiet in situations where it’s not relevant. At the same time, I can’t deny that I might just look like an easy target and waving the academic credentials around might make people rethink that. I’m an apparent woman who looks early-maybe-mid twenties (aka a decade younger than I am), renting on my own, having just returned from a foreign country and only vaguely familiar with German rental norms, with a noticeable speech disorder… it doesn’t appear to be a good combination so far. :(

    1. Jules the First*

      Oh god yes, Frau Dr Tau, PhD is a huge help in getting anything remotely bureaucratic done in German. It used to drive me nuts to refer to my boss as Herr Prof. Munchkin, OBE but it made bureaucratic resistance evaporate almost instantaneously.

      1. Jules the First*

        I meant to say also that it’s not throwing your credentials in their face, it’s a standard part of German social politeness. German culture believes that getting your doctorate is an achievement and one that should be respected, and by using your full title, you’re simply signalling that you are a respectable individual of good character who conforms to social norms. Think of it like canine butt sniffing – dogs flag their pack rankings to each other when they meet in the park to help everyone figure out what order butts get sniffed in and who gets to initiate playtime.

    2. Observer*

      I get that you don’t like waving your credentials in people’s faces. But do the people who think they can pull garbage on you because you are, in their minds, a young and “not all there” woman deserve that respect?

      1. Tau*

        The problem is that it’s hard to know in advance if they’re going to try to pull garbage on me, and I feel bad going all “no, you call me Dr. Tau” to perfectly nice people who might have been perfectly fair to me even without that! But if I wait until the point in time where garbage has already occurred, it’s probably too late to do much about it.

        That said, one of the people I’ve applied to opted to sign her name with her degree in the e-mail. Which, well, if you’re starting things off that way I don’t feel an ounce of guilt about responding in kind…

        1. Observer*

          You can always pull back on the titles once you establish your “credentials”. Certainly go full on with the person who put her degree in a non-work email.

  50. Lizabeth*

    The Glamorise sport bras came in this week! To recap I ordered a 40C per their measurements and a 36FFF based on bust and band measurements. They both fit but I feel I have a little bit better coverage on the sides with the 36FFF. It also has 4 hooks in the back.

    The real tell will be when I wear them for a day’s biking or just to work. Now for the ceremonial burning of the old ones. Woot!

  51. AnonyMouse*

    I sort of guessed this would be the case, but for the first time this week, actually discussed with my husband how I have wanderlust and would like to live/work in a different country someday, and he has close to no wanderlust and would probably be content living exactly where we are for the rest of our lives. We’re in our late twenties and now would be a great time to do this, before we have kids, which is why I brought it up.
    At the end of the day, his happiness matters most to me and I would not force a move if I knew it made him miserable. Just feeling a little wistful. Not sure there’s anything that can be done about it, though open to hear your thoughts/advice/stories of great adventures living around the world!

    1. Comeswithcats*

      I’m in a very similar position. My partner and I are also in our late 20’s, no plans for kids any time soon. I have always said that I would like to live overseas, which would be feasible for us, or at least in a different city, and my partner has always said he would like to live in our home city. He is very close to his family, all of his friends live there and he genuinely enjoys living there. I, however, like moving. I get restless after a while and would like to explore the different lifestyles that these different places could offer me.

      In saying that, we are currently living in a new place, away from our families and friends and won’t be returning for 1 1/2 years (contract job, didn’t get to choose the location). And I have never appreciated our home town more! We went back for a visit a few weeks ago and it was the happiest I had been in a long time. I’m sure this also has to do with the fact that our new town is super small and there’s nothing to do here. And I’m sure it would be different if we had moved somewhere else instead. But I am honestly counting down the months until we get to move back!

      I guess I have a better perspective now. Although I still wanna move to Edinburgh :)

    2. A. Schuyler*

      I had a similar conversation recently with a guy I’m just starting to date. I love to travel and can’t wait to live and work abroad; his job takes him all over the world but he just wishes he was at home. It’s either a perfect match or a disaster waiting to happen.

  52. Hey, Marcela*

    Hope that you’re getting to know your new part of the country and that the weather is conducive to exploring. So sorry that your cat is waiting for you to be more settled; I’d miss mine terribly.

    Thinking of you.

    Happy Saturday,
    Belle di Vedromo

    1. Marcela*

      Hey, Belle. Happy Monday. Boston is being Boston, with its changing weather and plenty of rain. It’s not being bad to me. About my cat… I guess my heart is broken so much already, I can’t feel more pain.

  53. Nervous Accountant*

    Ok soooo this may be a little work related, if so I’ll happily Repost it another time. But saw this FB link to a Reddit thread about a creepy boss and I am just thinking how it would be if this guy wrote in to AAM

    2. MJ (Aotearoa/New Zealand)*

      Ugh, I read this (and the other posts in his history), and he gives me the major creeps. Would love to see this story from her point of view.

    3. Kristen*

      Wow. I loved the part where he wanted to get his mom involved.

      Thank you for posting, Nervous Accountant.

    4. Effie, less broken*

      I saw this on Wehuntedthemammoth! He has a great takedown there if anyone’s interested.

    5. Observer*

      Good heavens. The man is seriously unhinged! There is a link to another thread in which he is asking if he can get a restraining order to keep the boyfriend from “Jennifer”!

      I hope his victim is getting some solid advice.

    6. overeducated*

      My husband was telling me about this thread earlier and saying it was so extreme he thought it might be a troll. I said it sounded like the other side of some of what we see here on AAM so I could believe it was real…ugh.

    1. Dienna Howard*

      Hello! The weekend free-for-all is for non-work posts, while the open thread is for work-related posts. You’ll have better luck getting responses by reposting your question in this week’s open thread.

  55. Persephone Mulberry*

    Tips for coaxing a reluctant feline to eat?

    Kitty had some dental issues that led to him deciding that eating is for losers. Issues have been addressed but the hunger strike continues (right now I am syringe feeding in order to get his basic nutritional/caloric needs met. He’s surprisingly okay with this). I’ve tried most of the usual suggestions…different flavors and formulations of wet food, dry food, baby food, people food. Tried a prescription appetite stimulant prior to resorting to the syringe, to no discernable effect. I know having an esophageal tube placed so that I can stop messing with his face is an option, but I can’t really afford it after all the dental work so I want to exhaust all other options first.

    2. nonprofit manager*

      How long has it been since the dental work? This seems really abnormal to me and alarming. Cats don’t usually go on hunger strike unless something is wrong. Have you had him checked out beyond dental work?

    3. fposte*

      If you do end up doing the esophageal tube, it’s surprisingly easy to deal with; I suggest you look online for the Kitty Kollar, which velcros the tube out of the way nicely when you’re not using it.

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Nutrical or Supplical — they’re gels with high doses of nutrients and appetite stimulants in them. If he won’t eat it off your finger, wipe it on his front paw — he will lick it off. This saved Olive’s life when she was a kitten.

      But also, call your vet. It’s really dangerous for cats to go more than a couple of days without eating.

    5. Persephone Mulberry*

      Believe me, I’m working very closely with my vet. The dental surgery was Friday, but we’ve been managing his condition for several weeks (it took a while to get my finances in order for the dental work). He shows early stage hepatic lipidosis but his labs are improving. He’s in no danger of keeling over on me, but everyone’s quality of life will be improved if he starts eating on his own soon.

      1. Windchime*

        When my older cat had some serious dental work (like half his teeth pulled out), I made him dishes of canned cat food thinned down with a little clam juice till it was very soupy. I also warmed it slightly in the microwave so it would smell nice and yummy to him. He didn’t want to eat, but he would slurp up his “kitty soup”. He was supposed to be eating the prescription food but he didn’t like it so I gave him Fancy Feast.

        1. Girasol*

          We’re doing this with Old Toothless. I put cat food in the blender and thin it down until it’s a mackerel smoothie. He has to be able to lap it up like water.

    6. Amadeo*

      How long ago was his dental work? Is he still on antibiotics or any other kind of meds? Was he ever on a pain med for his poor mouth? I wonder if avoiding the food dish has become a habit at this point. Have you swapped out his dish at all? Fed him on a paper plate instead, for example? Especially if he’s OK with the syringe and swallows the food you put into his mouth without complaint.

    7. blackcat*

      Homemade, full fat chicken broth. Just boil a chicken carcass for as long as you can, maybe adding a tiny bit of apple cider vinegar to help break it down. I made it for a friend’s cat who wouldn’t eat following surgery, and it worked. Not a ton of nutrition, but it does have a fair bit of fat, and prevents dehydration.

  56. Rogue*

    Ugh! My SO doesn’t get why I’m upset that he told all of his co-workers that “X is so easy Rogue could even do it!” I mean geez, should I say thank you for not only making me sound like I’m stupid and incompetent, but that he thinks so too, to people in an industry I’m trying to break into and could possibly be in a position to be the decision maker for hiring?! Grrrrr!!

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Um… excuse me? He doesn’t get why you’re upset that he implied you’re incompetent??? No. Now, I don’t know what I would do long-term, but I would have a real sit-down with him and explain why that bothered me, and if he dismissed it, then he may have to get dismissed himself. That kind of thing makes me really angry. No matter what, you have my sympathies.

    2. Observer*

      I’m with AvonLady.

      Question – does he have any reason to not want to break into the field? Has he expressed any reservations, reasonable or not? Is he generally competitive with you?

  57. Ann O.*

    I’m producing a show this coming weekend and tickets are not selling. This is super stressful. It is also the first time I’ve faced this. The past shows that I’ve produced have always sold fine.

    I’m at my wit’s end about what to do about it. I don’t know if it’s bad luck of summer time that a lot of our regular audience members are going to be out of town (it’s a sci-fi themed show and I guess a big comic con for our area is happening the same weekend *sigh*) or what. I can handle losing money, but I just don’t want my performers to perform to an empty house. :(

      1. Ann O.*

        The opposite of mind. I would love to on the off chance that it would be in your area and interest you! But I don’t know how to do so without losing my pseudonymity. :(

    2. Persephone Mulberry*

      A conflicting event like a con is probably a big factor. Perhaps leverage your social media toward people who aren’t going? “We wish we were at Comic Con, too! But you can get your sci-fi fix with tickets to X show” type of thing?

    3. Not So NewReader*

      A group I belonged to did a show here. It was days before the show and there seemed to be little to no interest. Like you are saying, summer with people running all over the place.

      About 400 people showed up. There was not enough volunteers to direct vehicle and foot traffic. The place was PACKED. You may have a similar sleeper. My advice is to be prepared for either extreme, no one showing or way many people showing up. (Assuming they can get tix at the door.)

      1. Ann O.*

        That would be lovely! Our history is that we don’t get many people at the door, but it is true that you never really know. I can certainly hope!

  58. LizB*

    I had a little birthday gathering in the park by my house last weekend, and while I was carrying my cooler of snacks over to the picnic table, a few kids who were splashing around in the little pool asked what I was up to. I told them having a party, they said “Can I come?” and I said sure! So they hung out with me and my friends and had some snacks and soda, and were so polite and adorable. The eldest is in 7th grade, youngest in 3rd. They’re cousins and live in the neighborhood. They were such cutie-pies, it totally made my day.

    4. Clever Name*

      That’s awesome. My son does stuff like this. He’ll come home from the park with a Gatorade and when I ask where he got it, he’ll tell me how he befriended another kid and joined their picnic.

  59. D.W.*

    I just hosted my first dinner since moving to NYC (over a year ago). There were 10 guests (3 friends from college), plenty of food, and gut busting laughter. I definitely needed it because being here has been lonely.

  60. tigerStripes*

    Lately I’ve been really enjoying re-runs of Dirty Jobs as well as watching Tanked and Insane Pools. I think what I like is that people are working together and doing something (like creating beautiful fish tanks or pools), and these shows don’t feel like Survivor, where I kept feeling like people were lying to me.

    Does anyone have other shows like this they can recommend?

    1. Rogue*

      I’m not sure this is exactly the same, but maybe like survivor but without the backstabbing? Naked and Afraid! You might enjoy this old house. I also enjoy Pawn Stars and Antiques Roadshow, because I feel like I learn a little something.

    2. MechanicalPencil*

      I’ve been on a kick of The Profit, which I think hasn’t been helped by the fact that Vue has somehow cached all of the episodes so I can half listen and work on other things.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        The Profit is my absolute favorite show. I wish there was a channel with nothing but new episodes of it on every day!

  61. Typhon Worker Bee*

    I’d like to buy a sodastream (or equivalent) – any brand and model recommendations? I don’t care about which syrups go with which brands – I’ll just be using it to carbonate my tap water. I like a fairly aggressive level of carbonation, if that makes a difference!

    1. Liz*

      I jave a soda stream. It is not enough carbonation for me. I would rather just buy bottles of the stuff.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      I have a soda stream. As far as I can tell, it doesn’t matter what model you get aside from aesthetics – I got the cheapest one, and it’s be reliably make strongly carbonated water for about six years. For very fizzy water, it helps to chill the water in the fridge first.

      I have one at work, too, and there I use a 500 ml bottle, rather than the standard 1 L ones. That’s the perfect size to fill from the water dispenser, and finish at my desk during the day, without having to go back and forth to the fridge.

      I also don’t use the syrups, most of which have artificial sweeteners, but a dash of cocktail bitters in the water is nice.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I bought ours off of eBay. I agree, the model doesn’t seem to matter much. We only use ours for carbonated water; I got it when my boyfriend moved in with me and I couldn’t deal with all the seltzer bottles anymore. :)

    5. Pieforbreakfast*

      I’ve had a basic sodastream for like 8 years and it still working fine. I can totally adjust the carbonation, I’m not sure if new models do this? One night my husband and I decided to see how it would taste to do all the carbonation (i.e. 10 pumps instead of 4). It was like drinking fire. I like my water really carbonated and am so use to making my own that the bottled ones are too bland.
      I don’t use any of the syrups the company makes, I think they’re really gross.

  62. Mischa*

    Fell off my running routine because of the oppressive heat and humidity. Plus, I’m lazy in that if I don’t immediately become awesome at something, I give up. Anyone have any advice for getting back into the swing of things? I’m finally starting to lose weight, and I would really like to complement it with an exercise routine. I actually enjoy running, but I just suck at it. And that is frustrating.

    1. Trixie*

      Can you start small again in the morning or evening when it cools off? Early mornings hour can make a difference.

    2. Mephyle*

      One suggestion, in response to if I don’t immediately become awesome at something, I give up. Set yourself a priority goal to become consistent at running, or at your exercise routine (or both), and become awesome at that (at being consistent).

    3. Ruffingit*

      I live in a very hot and humid place so I totally get the heat/humidity oppression thing. I did couch to 5k successfully and now run three times a week, sometimes four as my schedule allows. When I first started, it was HARD. Really, really hard. But I just kept thinking that I needed to stick with it. I also had my husband as a partner in the running so that helped to get me up and out of bed to run.

      To get back in the swing of things, I’d suggest starting with running in the early mornings because the weather is less awful (or join a gym, buy a treadmill and run) and to look up the Couch25k app. It’s really helpful in easing you back into things.

      1. Effie, less broken*

        If you can’t afford a treadmill, I used to set a timer for 30-45 min and run in place and in tiny circles around the living room. I looked ridiculous, and I had to step “gently” than if I was actually running, but it worked and I built up a sweat and my joints thanked me for being on a wooden floor instead of concrete sidewalks.

        1. Trixie*

          I’ve seen so many used treadmills for sale on CL. Very tempted to both buy one and set up with Ikea for treadmill desk.

      2. Mischa*

        I will give Couch to 5k a try! I’ve never used it. My plan has always been “run until you get tired” which means I never push myself. Thankfully I’ll have access to a gym soon! My university has an awesome rec center with treadmills and an indoor track. I’ve got six more weeks til I move.

  63. Jules the First*

    So I had a fairly sobering conversation with my doctor recently at one of our regular check-ins. I’ve just turned 34, and for a number of medical reasons, we are now officially a few minutes to midnight on the clock for parenthood. It either happens in the next 24 months, or it doesn’t. She went so far as to say that if I want a baby, she would prefer that I get pregnant yesterday. I’ve done my research and I’m reasonably convinced she’s right – the risks are just about bearable for the next couple of years and beyond that point they get very scary very quickly.

    I’m not eligible for maternity leave at my new job until July next year, so it is definitely not happening any sooner than that. Which leaves me trying to decide whether I should work on letting go of the idea of carrying a baby (something I’ve wanted to do for a long time), or take the plunge into single-by-choice parenting (which is maybe not a great fit for my career, since I work unpredictable hours and there’s a lot of resistance to remote or part-time work and I don’t have family within babysitting distance). At the moment, I seem to whiplash on an almost daily (hourly?) basis between thinking I could deal with never having a kid and madly rewriting my budget to accommodate a small human…

    Has anyone else done this? How do you mix your demanding job with parenthood? Are there things I should be thinking about that aren’t immediately obvious? What’s life like for the child-free-by-choice? How do you deal with expectations from your parents (who are desperate for more grandkids but trying really hard not to put pressure on me) and from friends? What do you wish you’d known before you made your kid/no-kid choice? How did you know you’d made the right choice?

    1. AcademiaNut*

      I’m child free not by choice (didn’t beat the clock on age related fertility). We did a few rounds of IVF and then made the decision to give up – the chances of having a baby weren’t good, and we were tired of the treatments. What I can say is that you can lead a fulfilling and happy life without kids.

      If you’re thinking of logistics of raising a kid alone, with a demanding, unpredictable job and no family support nearby, I would suggest that you be careful to not just consider the everything goes well option when making plans – make sure you’ve got a plan for, say, a difficult pregnancy, or a high needs kid, or what you’ll do if your job and finding childcare aren’t compatible.

    2. Ruffingit*

      I’m childfree by choice and always have been. I love my life sans kids! I have amazing freedom to do anything I want to do. I can travel easily, take jobs in places where I don’t need to worry about the school districts, etc.

      As for dealing with expectations from parents, friends and so on, you producing another human is not a decision you can make based on anyone’s desires but your own. Ultimately, you will be the one bearing both the joys and difficulties of that decision. You just have to make your choice, be solid in it, and if asked, tell them you’re happy with your choice and leave it at that. You’re not required to justify it to anyone.

    3. Book Lover*

      I’m an SMBC…. Started pretty young, decided at 30 that I was tired of dating to find a father for my kids, and I could always find a mate down the line. I was lucky that it was easy, DIUI worked second time on my first, and first time on my second, nothing fancy or expensive needed.

      But…. I make a lot of money, I chose to live close to family and have a slightly longer commute, chose a 8-5 job rather than working as a hospitalist, which I otherwise would have preferred (I think, but maybe not).

      When I decided to have my second, I moved into a bigger house and my mother moved in to help. I have a very stable schedule, have a nanny that comes in the morning, takes kids to school/daycare, picks them up in the afternoon, stays until I get home. I pay an insane amount of money in childcare. I think I calculated about 40K last year.

      I would never regret it, I am so grateful to have them and I haven’t found a partner yet, though maybe I would have met him if I hadn’t been caught up in kid stuff for the past ten years. But to do the smbc thing, you need to have your financials set, because that baby just has you. I have life insurance through work and separate life insurance outside, I have a trust, and I have wonderful close family that would take my kids if anything happened.

      I’ll say that I can’t imagine I could have been happy without them. My life is exhausting and often irritating, but they give me true joy. I think without them I would have a different home, different job, do more reading, more traveling, much more rest. In that other universe, I am sure I would have been content?

      But I would be cautious of making decisions because you hear a ticking clock. Not that you are wrong about it, that’s something you and your doctor are best able to determine. But once you have the kid, as I discovered, you can’t give him back. And that first night, home alone with my new baby, I felt incredibly alone and unprepared and I remember a few thoughts of wow, I really shouldn’t have done this. And wondering if anyone would notice if I gave him up for adoption! I wish I could go back in time and give that me a hug.

      I am rambling, but what I tell people who are thinking about kids now is, it’s really hard, and it doesn’t really stop being hard, and you owe it to them to give them the best life you can, and this world sucks a lot of the time, and if you don’t have kids you’ll be fine, but if you do have that kid, that has to be your first priority always. I hope that helps somehow.

      1. amanda_cake*

        I think about this a lot. I’m 24 and have a ten year plan kinda set up in my head. I will never make a ton of money because my field doesn’t pay well. I haven’t had luck in the dating department and essentially have decided that if it doesn’t happen by the time I hit 34 or maybe even 32, I will start looking into sperm banks and go the single mom by choice route. Being a mom has always been insanely important to me. I have worried a lot about how well that will be received. I grew up in a rural community that I want to one day return to and raise a family. There will be lots of questions and people who won’t care for my choice.

        I have a lot of friends who are lesbians and one who is interested in selecting the same sperm donor as me, when the time comes.

      2. AcademiaNut*

        Book Lover brings up some good points.

        One thing to keep in mind – fertility treatments don’t necessarily work the first try, and it can take multiple rounds. A single round of IUI takes at least two months, and doing back to back treatments is hell on your mind and body. So deciding that you’re going to try to have a baby does not mean that you will get a baby. Having a time limit makes this much more acute, but also means that you have a hard limit for giving up, which is actually something I found very helpful – a point where I could say “We’re done, let’s move on with our lives.”

        And having lots of money opens up a lot of options – hiring a live in nanny, being able to afford to pay people to do things you don’t have time for.

        One other thing to keep in mind – fertility treatments tend to result in higher chances of multiple births (I’ve seen quotes of 8-20% for IUI depending on the drugs) . There are ways to avoid that, but they involve lower chances of conceiving, and a longer timescale.

        1. Book Lover*

          Just to clarify, though I don’t know the op’s situation. If your only fertility issue is not having a male partner, you can absolutely do back to back IUI and unmedicated, so no increased risk of multiples. I just used ovulation predictor sticks and called the reproductive endocrinologist when it turned positive, went in, got the IUI, and done (took less than 20 minutes, though it meant a bit of calendar scrambling for me). No meds, no ultrasounds, just peeing on little sticks.

          But if there are fertility issues, it gets difficult and expensive very fast. My main expense was just the donor.

          1. Jules the First*

            It’s good to hear that there’a a non-scary way of doing IUI! As far as we know there are no fertility issues apart from the absence of a male partner. My medical team is concerned about the demands of pregnancy because of a package of auto-immune issues, a high risk family history, and some funky anatomy that’s going to cause issues for delivery. I think if IUI fails, I’ll try very hard to take that as a sign that it wasn’t meant to be.

      3. Jules the First*

        That does help, thank you!

        Ironically, the thing I’m best prepared for is looking after a kid if something should happen to me – I’m insured up the wazoo and one or both of my sisters would take on an extra kid (and do wonderfully by her, even if not quite what I would have done). My biggest financial worry is childcare expenses, but I have friends who do it on a much smaller salary, so I’m assuming it’s just me being overly paranoid.

        Do you think there’s anything you could have done before you had the baby that would have made you feel more prepared?

    4. Tabby Baltimore*

      One of the things that you might want to consider is if you end up having a baby with special needs at birth, or who develops special needs later on. This could mean you will need to spend more time, energy and money on either solving, or managing, those special needs. Are you mentally and financially prepared to not have a “perfect” baby?

    5. OldMom*

      I did the SMBC thing many years ago. (So excited to see we have an internet abbreviation now!) In my 20s I had a plan to have a child on my own if I didn’t find a partner by age 34… But then I got pregnant accidentally and moved up the plan. (Not exactly equivalent since I didn’t have to figure out the “how to get pregnant” part, but given that we still have choice in this country, it was an active choice to have and keep the baby.)
      Anyway…about single parenting the thing I wished I had known was how unrelenting it is. When things get tough there is no time out, no let partner handle that for a few minutes while you take a break. Especially when the child is young, you cannot physically go anywhere without her or without lining up someone else to care for her while you’re gone. No going down to the laundry room to change a load, no bathroom breaks with the door shut…very much like parenting in general but with no light at the end of the tunnel for when your partner takes over. (There is the light of child becoming increasingly independent but realistically it’s a least a decade of non-stop togetherness.) My advice if you’re financially able is to have a full time nanny or other supportive arrangement….e.g. live with another single parent or have a rent-free roommate in exchange for childcare coverage when your work schedule goes long.
      On the other side…my sister (who was married) had fertility problems and eventually just embraced the DINK lifestyle with her husband. Even though they were not high earners, without the expense and responsibilities of kids they had a nice life, travelled a lot, had more ability to do non child friendly hobbies, decorate their home with breakable things, and so on. They also had my kid as a niece to do kid stuff with sometimes.
      To help decide, do you have any children in your friend or family circle that you could spend time with? Maybe try babysitting/living with or traveling with a small child for a few days to see whether you like it… A trial period loaner kid? If not perhaps there is a baby app somewhere or make your own. Download “baby crying” and play it for a few hours. How many hours can you make it before you are tearing out your hair? Or set it to wake you up every two hours for 15 minutes or longer. Sit in a Chuck E Cheese for as long as you can stand it…what is you tolerance level for kid noise and nonsense?
      As for your parents…I am not sure I understand “desperate for more grandkids.” If they already have some, why are they so desperate? I only have the one kid and she too is not sure yet whether to take the kids or no-kids path. I would describe my attitude as “eager” to have grandkids but not desperate and I’m careful not to place any expectations on her. So, take any grandparent expectations out of your equation. It will be your family, your responsibility, and you can base you decision on your own wants and needs, no one else’s. (Complete control over parenting decisions…from what to name the baby to where and whether she goes to summer camp and beyond…is a big advantage of single parenting IMHO. No pressure to name the kid Pretentious Wealthyguy Jr.)

      I wish you luck and happiness whatever you decide.

      1. Jules the First*

        Thank you – this is very helpful!

        Perhaps I’m being too hard on my parents to say they’re desperate for more grandchildren. Their trying very hard not to put pressure on me. They have one from my sister, who is cherished and adored, but she has been told by her doctors not to have more. My other sister will probably have them eventually, but she has to sort out her relationship first. They so love entertaining their existing grandchild that it would be wonderful to watch them bond and adore another one.

    1. Effie, less broken*

      BEST: I’m eating regular meals today and drinking lots of water!

      WORST: My ex sucks and I wish I was over him already!

    2. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Best: We had a new woman visit our Women’s Wisdom Circle group, and she fit right in. We have a conversation cards chat pack that we use sometimes when no one has prepared a topic, so we each pulled several cards and went around the circle reading our cards aloud and telling our responses; it was a nice getting-to-know-you activity.

      Worst: I had a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday that I’ve been looking forward to since February. Apparently, I hadn’t had an appointment with my doctor for three years, so I had to register as a new patient. I couldn’t believe it! It seems like I’m in that office all the time! Well, it turns out that’s because of my kids’ annual exams and their visits for various issues; I guess I forgot about myself for a little while.

      Anyway, I felt like I was barely holding on until my appointment and I was going to talk to my doctor about depression and bad thoughts, but I didn’t get to. I arrived right on time for my appointment, which as a “new patient” was half an hour late, and the doctor needed to leave early that day to take her kid to a birthday party. So I just got the physical exam but no time to discuss issues. I guess I’ll have to make a separate appointment soon.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I’m sorry you didn’t get to discuss how you’re feeling. I hope you do make another appointment.

        The conversation cards sound awesome.

      2. Mimmy*

        Oh that’s ridiculous – you can’t make time for your patients because you have to take your kid to a birthday party???

        I hope you can get an appointment soon.

        1. Mallory Janis Ian*

          I understand about the kid thing, and I’m glad she’s able to have work-life balance like that. I’m more irritated that I was made to register as a new patient when I’ve been going there for years and just had a lapse in my own, personal appointments. When they told me at the front desk that I’d have to be seen as a new patient, I asked, “Well, can’t I get credit for bringing my kids in several times a year and always calling to make my husband’s appointment?” I mean, I’ve obviously kept a relationship with the clinic. I think they could have just looped me back in as a regular (if lapsed) patient instead of acting like they’ve never seen me before in their lives.

          1. Mimmy*

            That’s a fair point about the work-life balance thing. Agreed about having to register as a new patient.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: Had a very good sit this morning at meditation, and then hung out with my Doctor Who group later–we watched the one with Seven and Ace and the Cheetah People. I don’t think I ever saw that one because I KNOW I would have remembered that wackiness!

      WORST: Anxiety was really really bad this afternoon. I felt awful, and it only went away temporarily while I was at Who group. When I got in the car, I cried all the way back across town. Something stupid triggered it. Stupid anxiety. Go away!

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Oh, Elizabeth — I’m sorry about the anxiety attack. That sucks, and I hope you’re feeling better now.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Not really; I didn’t sleep much, either. But thank you. *HUG* I might feel better when I get this house cleaned. I have an interview in the morning for a job I don’t really think I want. Just will go and get it over with.

    4. Merci Dee*

      Best: kiddo and I went to see the Mary Poppins musical tonight, and it was amazing. We’d seen it 3 years ago, and loved it then, too. To borrow a phrase, the whole production was practically perfect in every way. We had to buy the tickets last year around this time, so we were eager for the show this evening.

      Worst: weekends don’t seem to last as long as they used to. They just fly by, and it feels like I’m stumbling into Monday without sufficiently recovering from Friday. Lord, it makes me feel old.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      Best: had a lovely time at stepdad-in-law’s 70th birthday, started yoga and discovered what it’s like to actually have my brain shut the hell up and leave me in peace for a bit, and am still smoke free. Also someone started a lunchtime board game club at work.

      Worst: I have a scarily busy week coming up.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Yoga for getting one’s brain to shut up for a minute sounds great. Ditto about the lunchtime board games — maybe I’ll try that where I work.

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Best – got confirmed on this bigger, more interesting project at work

      Worst – Oh man, was Tuesday a disaster. I woke up to an email from my sister that dad was in the ICU after accidentally riding his bike down some unmarked stairs on a state bike path (its a long story how that happened) and broke 9 ribs, three in two places, and was banged up bad. Thankfully he had on his helmet, but he has a long history of blood clots and is usually on blood thinners so they were keeping him in the ICU because of that. Hes on a lot of painkillers and morphine and will probably go to assisted living for a month or two because he cannot do stairs or the bed at home, etc. I don’t have to fly home, but its hard to be 8 hours away by plane and not be able to get a hold of anyone or do anything.

      Of course that same morning I went downstairs only to discover one cat had been a bit “loose” in the box overnight and now there was splatter to clean up and poopy paw prints all over the house which, in the process of cleaning THAT up, I found hairballs the other one had coughed up.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Oh, no! I’m sorry about your dad’s accident; that sounds tough. Wishing him a speedy recovery and return to normal.

    7. Elkay*

      Best: Big boss took an hour out of his day to talk about work issues I’m having.
      Worst: Finding out it was set up by my colleague which made me feel like a loser who can’t manage their own career. Jerk brain is doing overtime right now.

    8. Mimmy*

      Best: At my new job nearly 4 months and I already got the monthly employee award! Okay…the staff is small so everyone gets it at some point, but still, I was honored by the recognition.

      Worst: A friend is on life support after contracting a catastrophic infection (don’t want to say what so as not to accidentally identify her) – her family will be saying goodbye to her shortly, probably later today. I met this person through a close friend from grad school and she is one of the gentlest people I know. She’s had health issues most of her life, particularly lately, so she will finally be free from pain, but I feel bad for my close friend, who lost another friend two years ago, also from illness.

    9. Red*

      Best: Had an amazing time starting my first DnD camping last night

      Worst: We we’re playing said campaign in a freezing cold basement and now my arthritis is acting up.

    10. Dr. KMnO4*

      Best: Vacationing in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan with an old friend.
      Worst: Had to pay $250 to fix the thermostat on my car before we left on vacation, and now have a chip in my windshield from a stray rock. No word yet how much that will be to repair.

      1. LCL*

        Get the chip fixed ASAP. It’s worth paying 50$ out of pocket. Otherwise it can spread into a crack, which can’t be repaired.

    12. Trixie*

      Best: Finishing up a week of house/pet sitting plus a second pet sitting gig with daily visits. Two good payments for upcoming certification.

      Even better: My mom was offered a full-time position closer to Big City. This was huge and somewhat unexpected given her age. So she’s in packing/organizing/preparing for new apt with new job. I will have the current space to myself (yay!) and now have incentive to look for jobs near Big City.

      Worst: Will be a tough couple weeks at home while we’re preparing for move. House is a mess, it’s a hot, and just not relaxing. But all temporary. Plus I have another hosue sitting stay in a couple weeks.

  65. Comeswithcats*

    I’m currently living in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere with my partner. We didn’t know anyone before we moved here (my partner is a teacher and he was placed here on a 3 year contract) and there is almost nothing to do, unless you like hunting, horses, water sports or going for drinks at the pub. We are both having a bit of a hard time right now. His job is great, I recently got a good job as well, the people are nice. Sometimes I feel like such a snob and ungrateful but there really isn’t anything to do on the weekends.

    Before this we lived in a shitty apartment in a great location in our home city. Our weekends were filled with friends, dinners out trying new (cheap) restaurants, heading to the local markets, going for walks along the river, going to the movies, book shop hopping. I really miss it.

    We’ve been here for 1 1/2 years and we have 1 1/2 years left. I miss my friends so much! We’ve made some friends here but it’s not the same. Especially since we also work at the same place (not the same department) and all our friends also work with us, which makes hanging out sometimes feel like work since its the same people you see everyday!

    I know the benefits out way the negatives (like permanent government employment for my partner and a garunteed job in our chosen region after this placement finishes) but it’s still difficult. Has anyone been in a similar position? How did you deal? Does anyone have any advice on how to feel more positive in the meantime?

    Ps. We are super rural, therefore flights are really expensive and we’re a 12 hour drive away from our home town. Also, it’s really hot here! Like between 25 and 40 degrees Celsius for 8 months out of the year.

    1. HannahS*

      That heat would make me deeply miserable and you have my sympathy! I know someone who had to take a job in an unpleasant-to-him area, and his way of coping with it was to take on a project. He wrote, well, not a book, exactly, but kind of a manual for a really specific thing that he enjoys, and it gave him something to do that was interesting and that he could be proud of. Is there anything–a hobby, a goal, a skill–that you could throw yourself into?

    2. Sandy*

      I have been there! I totally feel your pain.

      Honestly, the only way (but it’s a good way!) to get some good out of this is to start creating your own fun. If there is so little to do in town, you are unlikely to be the only ones frustrated. You may just need to go into “social coordinator” mode for a bit.

      Roll your eyes if you must, but situations like these make you do activities and make friends you never would have otherwise, and sometimes that is a good thing.

      A few suggestions I have tried and had success with:
      -board game nights
      -cooking through a cookbook or a cuisine (bonus points for inviting others to join you in eating the results)
      -“English” tea parties where you get dressed up with ridiculous fascinates and have tea sandwiches (it’s so absurd for most of us that it’s hilarious)
      -geo-caching or elaborate scavenger hunts
      -setting up a slack line in the yard

    3. Observer*

      Are you in the same time zone as your friends? And do you have a good internet connection? If yes, can you arrange some “virtual parties” with your friends? All it takes is a webcam, and that’s not too expensive, even if you don’t have one already . And, if you have a laptop, you already have one.

      It’s not the same as being there in person, but you would be surprised at how much good it can do.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        One of my co-workers has a regular chat with his best friend in Seattle (we’re in Arkansas) in which they just drink wine together so “no one can accuse [them] of drinking alone.” I find that adorable and hilarious.

      2. LadyKelvin*

        The 6 girls I was really close to in college (um 10 years ago) have a book club. We take turns picking a book and then about every 2 months have group skype to talk about it. We usually talk about the book for about 10 minutes and then spend 2 hours talking about our lives, etc. We are spread out all over the US (from Hawaii to the east coast) and it really helps us stay in touch. Plus it forces me to finish a book every 2 months, something I’ve been struggling with right now. I keep starting books and then not finishing them, which is so not me.

    4. TootsNYC*

      Can you find some sort of volunteer thing to get involved in? One that’s not school related?

      If there isn’t one, maybe start one–like community theater (just do one play–Gilbert & Sullivan is in the public domain), or try to put together a choral group for a single concert in 9 months, or something similar? Don’t aim long-term, or too big; just plan on one thing in a set, not-too-far-out time period.

      I like HannahS”s “start a project” idea, but something like this would involve you with other people beyond your current social circle.

      1. TootsNYC*

        I grew up in small-town Iowa, and my dad started a community theater group–of course, we was the drama coach/teacher at the school, so it was his area of expertise already. But I know he wouldn’t have done it if there weren’t a couple of other totally-non-drama people saying, “Hey, it would be fun!” You could be that “hey, it would be fun” person. Even if all you personally wanted to do was the scenery–in fact, that would be the “help” that might push the drama teacher over the edge into doing it!

        Ditto the idea of a choral group–outside interest might motivate a church organist or a school music teacher to be willing to do something like that.

        Then there are robotics clubs, etc.

  66. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    I’m late to this thread, but I just revamped my Instagram in preparation for my next foster cat…who is…pregnant!

    You can follow my foster adventures at @thatqueercat on IG.

  67. Kerr*

    Just venting about friends where nobody knows me. :)

    I need to find new friends, or at least a regular event where I can be social. This is so HARD when you’re in your 30s! I’ve taken classes, which were great, but never led to any friendship outside class.

    Currently feeling down about friends who make no effort to contact me, when I know they’re spending time with other friends or doing things in my area. (Long-distance friend relationships here, so I get it, but some of their other friends are equally long-distance.) I should reach out anyway since I’m equally bad about that, but not keen on getting rejection right now. I sense that I’m lower on their priority list, which is 100% their right, but it sucks. I really do need to find more friends.
    (One friend seems to have put me in a lower interest tier, and…that’s OK. Sucks, but at least I know. The other, I can’t figure whether it’s my personal brain weasels or the same deal.)

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Broaden your choices. Decide to have “many acquaintances”. Many being whatever number you chose.
      It’s always good to know more people. With knowing more people, you won’t have all your eggs in one basket.

      There is something about “looking for a friend” that almost sets us up for failure. It could be our expectations are too great. It could be that the people we know are just not nice people. Probably the real answer is that people are busy and do not recognize when others are looking for a friendship. Spread yourself out a little further and see what you find.

  68. MsChanandlerBong*

    Turns out that I wasn’t having caffeine withdrawal last weekend. I was in the throes of a horrible lupus flare. By Saturday night, I was lying on the floor praying for death. Fortunately, my PCP was quick to order a short course of Prednisone for me, so I currently feel about 1,000 times better. I’m taking advantage by using my newfound energy to organize the storage closet and clean the living room. Last week, I was so bad off that I had to sit down and rest after cutting a piece of chicken, so I am actually enjoying cleaning!

    1. Effie, less broken*

      Oh my, how scary! Glad you’re better! Enjoying cleaning sounds like the cherry on top :)

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Thank goodness for those steroids! So glad you’re feeling better, and I hope that was the last flare-up for a really, really long time.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I’m lucky. Instead of feeling moderately crappy on a daily basis, I can go 18 or 24 months without a flare. So I’d say on a normal day, I run at about 70% of what a healthy person can do. Then when a flare comes along, I can’t brush my hair without nearly keeling over. I guess I’d rather be severely limited for a week or two every couple of years than moderately limited all the time.

  69. Oh Fed*

    My routine was a little mixed up today and I was in the car at an unusual time this morning listening to NPR and I heard Alison answering a few workplace dress code questions. You sounded great, Alison!

  70. WriterLady*

    Late to the party, but updating from Gma’s situation:
    Ended up going. Why? Well, I’d gotten in my car, driven away, had an excellent day… then the day of the party, my parents sent me a rather delightful email of “you’re a disgrace, you’re a disappointment, you’re selfish, you only participate in this family when it suits you”. My brother also got one, but where he happily replied with “Well done, ten points to you” I lost it.
    So, I sent an email back, my best friend came down for the day, I told my parents where to go, and my uncle similarly told my parents where to go upon reading the email. (My parents were initially quite defensive and insisted they didn’t mean for me to come back, but the email ended with “you have a car, so you should come back and attend this party”. As my friend and I both said, that was a very big indication they DID mean for me to come back, but anyway.) I was pretty peeved at my mother, who was telling me to go then gleefully told me she wrote half the email.
    Anyway, after the event I returned to brother’s house, spent the next day doing my thing, and after one phone call from my father (which was met with… well. Much anger, really. He was very apologetic, teary, whatnot. I was seeing red and didn’t hesitate to tell him), I decided to enjoy myself and have a good day with my friends. Got home after extending a 2 hour drive into a four hour drive, ran a bath, went to bed with a book, ignored my phone… was bliss.
    Anyway, both parents apologised profusely, and for once in my life I didn’t respond to the apologies with “it’s okay” (my usual go to). I think, seeing all the commenters from the week I asked the question being on my side, I was firmly of the opinion that what they did was NOT okay, and buoyed by my friends who had read the email and went “what the actual hell, who sends that to their ADULT KID” – so when they apologised and said they’d screwed up, I replied with, “Yep, you definitely did, and I’m still really hurt by it, but I’ll forgive you.”

    Still making me a bit upset to think about it, but eh. It’ll pass.

    And Gma? Well, after the blow-up with the family, my dad decided he should probably go speak to her. She phoned me yesterday to tell me that I shouldn’t worry that I can’t have kids. (Me: “what?”) I shouldn’t worry that I can’t get married. (Me, again: “what?”) Instead, I can focus my mothering attentions on my brother’s inevitable children, as it is the highest calling I can get. (Me, wondering if it’s worth hanging up: “… no?”) I give up with her.

    1. Effie, less broken*

      My first reaction: :(

      Second: you’re not late, the weekend’s two days long, it’s not even half over on the West Coast yet!

      Third: I am so sorry that this happened to you. I think your reaction was perfect. You didn’t try to sweep anything away, acknowledged your hurt, and are moving on. If you need it, you have affirmation from this internet stranger. And I’m tickled pink that you took care of yourself and ignored your phone! Go you.

      Here’s to hoping the rest of your weekend gets even better!

      1. WriterLady*

        Thanks Effie! It’s Sunday night here, and I completely forgot about the time difference. Clever me.
        I’m still fighting the urge to bring it up (you know, the “AND ANOTHER THING!” reaction), but my email back to my dad pretty much went through it all. On the actual day, he mentioned he was hurt by my brother’s reply, and my reply was “yeah, then you may want to sit down when you read mine, because I chose not to let you off the hook this time.” He brought up some incident from when I was 13, I was like “yeah no, stop that, you can’t bring up incidents from over a decade ago. You can’t do it that way.” He tried to tell me that my grandmother “hadn’t been doing this to you your whole life” and I saw red and said, “So if someone’s verbally abusing someone for a year, that’s okay? When is the actual cut off for when it becomes unacceptable?”
        My email apparently made dad think over it all, so there was one bonus to my anger. The parents also went on a visit to my brother to apologise in person; as my brother said, he’s not going to put his wife in a situation where she’s being mocked by the family (my grandmother routinely asks if they’ve split up yet, and has done from the day they started dating, as she isn’t “enough” for my brother, who apparently needs a Latina woman to survive. My brother couldn’t be less Latino if he tried. He’s never cared).

        But it does help to have affirmation! Part of me wondered if I had overreacted, but the amount of relatives who messaged me after to give me a congrats was insane. My Aunty gave me the biggest hug and whispered “I am so proud of you for coming and telling them where to go” and that made me tear up (and is making me tear up again now).

        As for parents, I’m a bit wary, especially where my mother’s concerned. It was quite the about-face and I don’t know how that works with trusting her now. But we’ll see.

        1. Observer*

          I was kind of surprised about that bit with you mother, as she’d seemed to be in your corner. You should probably have a separate sit down with her and ask her what’s up with that?

          1. WriterLady*

            That’s definitely happening. At the time she was quite teary, and kept saying “there’s no excuse!” So I wanted to wait for a time that was a bit less volatile, I suppose.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Epic.
      Grandma keeps repeating the same thing in different ways. I think it’s time for the kid gloves to come off. “Grandma, I told you not to say those things to me. If you speak like that I will leave.” OR “Grandma I have asked you not to say those things, if you cannot stop saying those things perhaps you need to go to a doctor for a full check up.”

      1. WriterLady*

        HAHA. Oh, I would LOVE to go with the latter. She’s going “you know I say this in love, yeah?” And I wanted to yell, “ACTUALLY NO” but I took a deep calming breath and said I needed to go.

        In happier news, I’m planning my menagerie of dogs, and will refer to all the dogs as her great grandchildren. “Look! I *did* give you great grandkids! Ten of them!”

    3. Artemesia*

      There was a moment in my relationship with my parents (who were not as awful as yours but in the league) when I said to myself ‘if anyone gets hurt in this relationship again, it is not going to be me.’ I believe there was a moment when ‘@#$ you was’ said by me. I continued to have a relationship but I moved 2000 miles away and saw them once a year and was never really close to them after that. I was tired at having my soul sawed on every time I was with them.

  71. Effie, less broken*

    I’m doing better (internal debate to end this sentence with a period or exclamation point notwithstanding; I’m going to leave it open)

    I kind of took this last week off in terms of cleaning and job-searching, although I did have an informational interview and a phone interview for different gigs this week. I’ve played a lot of computer games and read a lot of feminist writing and books by women. Just trying to move on and keep my mind from obsessing. A few nights ago I went out blues dancing and a creep rubbed his semi-erect member against me then ask-demanded my number at the end of the dance and it threw me off so much (I’m looking for safe spaces) that after I got home I ended up calling my ex (I used to feel safe with him, cheating and breaking up with me notwithstanding, and my brain remembers) and then when he was less than comforting (understandable, I shouldn’t be looking for support from him anymore) I called a suicide hotline. I was just so terrified that I’d never get over him and/or meet anyone else.

    Today is much better. I feel in control when I’m teaching and I teach around the weekends. I can hold it together at the studio. Teaching makes me get dressed, showered, and smile. I’m so thankful for my studio and this website as safe spaces. Today is good. I had a good class, students complimented my teaching, and I ate breakfast and lunch and am about to eat dinner. Today is good. That’s all I need right now. Today is good.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Taking advantage of a good day, can you think of someone other than your ex who you could call for support on a lesser day? I am thinking it might be a good idea to build a plan so you know what you are going to do when crappy stuff happens.

      1. Effie, less broken*

        Yup, when I told one of my friends she asked me to call her instead of him :) And I have other friends who are willing to do the same. Am looking for a counselor but soon will have no insurance so…we’ll see.

        1. WriterLady*

          I don’t know if it’s a thing where you are, Effie, but take a look at some online therapy if possible? Where I am, the government has an online one which is subsidised. It might be very different where you are, though. Also, totally not the same as regular therapy, but when I’ve had spells of not being in face-to-face therapy, I’ve found it incredibly helpful to periodically check in with the phone counsellors, or chat counsellors, that run our national mental health services.

          1. Effie, less broken*

            Thanks for the suggestion! A brief Google search is not encouraging, so I’ll have to look more when I have more energy.

    2. TootsNYC*

      I just want to say–what an amazingly strong person you are! I’m sure you don’t feel it, I know you don’t.

      But it’s there, underneath. You are strong enough right now. That’s all you need in any given moment–enough. More will come later, it has to, things are cyclical.

      But now? You are strong enough.

      How do I know?

      then when he was less than comforting … I called a suicide hotline.

      You are holding on. Remember that, the next time things are hard. You -are- holding on, and you can -keep holding on. And you can move forward, back to safe places, one tiny inching-along at a time.

      You are taking care of yourself, one moment at a time. It’s working.
      And nothing is as motivating as success (my dad’s in physical therapy right now as he recovers from a mild stroke; he’s -very- diligent about doing this small, frequent exercises, and it’s working. Step by step, slowly he turns… And we see the improvement, Small, each day–but after a week? Very noticeable.

      You’re doing that! (now be gritty and determined, and encouraged by your progress)

      Best of everything to you.

      1. Effie, less broken*

        Thank you, TootsNYC. Your comment made me cry. And I’m OK with not feeling strong. I’m still surviving :)

  72. Nervous Accountant*

    My husband and I are trying to decide on a vacation for this year. Going around xmas & NY. We’ve been to California & Dubai, and are looking at anything else. I’m open to ANYTHING but He’s disagreed with everything (Mexico, South America, Europe, Hawaii, Aus/NZ, Middle East are all out).

    Any other suggestions or ideas? Our last last last resort is to take separate trips but I’m really not keen on that.

    1. Effie, less broken*

      The Caribbean? I’ve heard that you can get a cruise to the DR for a really good deal. Same for Puerto Rico.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Montreal? Thats supposed to be really pretty in the winter (note: Ive never been :))

      Is there something in particular he wants to do or parameters he has? I mean hes already said no to like 80% of the globe. What about Indian Ocean locales like Mauritius or the Seychelles? Seems far though if you can go to the Caribbean like the Turks and Caicos etc.

      1. Kate*

        As a local, I can tell you it is freaking FREEZING in winter. Even we escape in winter.

    4. caledonia*

      What’s his reasons for not wanting to go like anywhere other than Asia/Japan area or the US/Canada?

    5. Julianne*

      I’m guessing this might get vetoed based on that list, but Namibia and Botswana are exceptionally tourist friendly, not to mention wonderful places to visit! Windhoek and Gaborone don’t have a ton to recommend, but they are safe, and provide excellent starting points for trips to national parks (Etosha or Namib-Naukluft in Namibia, and Chobe in Botswana).

      1. TootsNYC*

        ooh, Botswana always sounds so lovely to me. I’m a big fan of Alexander McCall Smith’s “No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency” books, and it just sounds so pretty. And the word is it’s full of really great people.

  73. Nervous Accountant*

    I went to see a maternal fetal medicine specialist this week, at my obgyns referral. It was just a consultation since I’m not pregnant but diabetic and have a history of losses. He didnt give me any new info-lower the A1c, lose weight, and chances of a healthy pregnancy are a lot higher.

    I really am trying. I’m doing all the right things (cardio, avoiding carbs as much as I can and taking my meds) but some days this feels like such a huge uphill battle.

    I’m not one to blame outside things but For the first time I’m really wondering if my medication is stopping me from losing weight. The amt of hard work I’m putting in, I should be losing more than what I currently am. No PCOS or thyroid issues.

    I’m seeing an endocrinologist/diabetologist next month (that was earliest availability) but I’m skeptical that they will tell me anything different.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Please google the side effects of your meds. I married into a family of diabetics and have watched their process over a period of decades. That does not make me an expert, it just makes me curious. From what I have seen some of the meds DO seem to cause weight gain in some people. I never googled, though.

    2. Liz*

      I follow a guy called dr. Fuhrman and his book Eat to live. So many in this situation lose the weight, lower a1c, and get healthy following him. You might try it. I got rid of my pcos.

    3. Ellie*

      If you are having weight issues – and most especially, issues with blood sugar! – the endocrinologist is critical for your improved health! Don’t be sceptical about a specialist giving you new or different info; demand (politely) that the doctor offer you real assistance with weight and diabetes management. If you get the same old lines and don’t get real help, find another doctor. There is medical assistance available for individuals who would benefit from reducing their weight, and you deserve to be told about how you can access and utilize this assistance, rather than be condescended to and told to do more of what you’re already doing, Be prepared to discuss what has and had not worked for you in terms of reaching a weight at which you feel healthy. Track everything in an app like MyFitnessPal so you have clear data on caloric intake and exercise to share. You might benefit from the use of litaglutide (brand names: Victoza, Saxenda). I cannot stress this enough: find a doctor who wants to help YOU, not one who wants to give you ‘eat less, move more’ platitudes. Doctors like that are the reason my hypothyroidism and insulin resistance were ignored and allowed to go out of control, thus damaging my health. (I’ve got good suggestions for the Houston area!)

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Thank you for this. I did like my consultation with the MFM doctor and am hopeful/excited to work with them in the future but this diabetes is the root of my issues so I know I need extra help. I’m just tired of hearing the same thing over and over but I don’t know what other information they can give me. The reproductive endo and MFM mentioned that the medsI’m on (metformin & insulin) is already the safest one I can take for pregnancy. This endocrinologist is my last resort.

        1. WellRed*

          Get a referral to a dietician with a diabetes certification. They can be really helpful part of the team.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Berried! That’s such a cute term. Do the babies come out fully functioning or with eyes shut and such?

  76. Never Been to LA*

    I have lived in Northern California my whole life and I have never been to Southern California. Yes, I know this is shocking.

    I am also almost going to be 30, and I am still trying to make new friends and maybe start dating. I grew up in a family that do not travel much. I also cannot drive, and not having friends to go road trips with makes less motivating to venture out far from my city. I also don’t have travel obligations in my workplace, and the rest of my family (whom I still live with) thinks Southern California isn’t worth visiting.

    I have been hiding this fact about me from my work colleagues (which I am not friends with). I wanted to ask if I should continue hide this fact about me when I meet friends or have dates? It is a shocking fact, and I have one experience when revealing it did cause a awkward silence. But I also wonder if there are people that can accept this “oddness.” What if it comes up in conversations? Should I straight up lie to my potential friend/love, or take a chance and to reveal this fact?

    I also have other quirks on top of this one, such as not knowing how to dance, being socially awkward, not knowing how to cook, not using common social media, etc. –just to name a few.

    1. amanda_cake*

      If I didn’t grow up on the Virginia/North Carolina border, I expect that most of the people I knew growing up would have never left the state of Virginia. It is a rural, poor area and a lot of people don’t have money for trips. A trip to North Carolina is nothing and may even be cheaper or closer to cross the line for some things. Plus people have family across the line in many instances.

      The truth comes out eventually. Would I meet someone and tell them immediately that I have never been to Southern California? Probably not. But if it came up in conversation, I would tell them.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I think instead of trying to hide it, just put it up front and own it. Everyone has weirdness and quirks. How you present it will have a huge effect on how people perceive it.

      1. JulieBulie*

        I agree. Furthermore, if you WANT to go to SoCal, someone will probably be happy to take you there.

    3. Sam Foster*

      This is in no way weird, odd or something that needs to be revealed or concealed. San Francisco to Los Angeles is approx. 400 miles. Think about how many people have never traveled 400 miles in their lives.

      I would strongly reevaluate what is important to you in social interactions and how you view other people if you think this is the kind of thing that is in any way a deal breaker in forming relationships.

    4. OperaArt*

      I don’t consider it shocking. In fact, I don’t even consider it particularly odd. Some people don’t travel as much as others. And California is a very long state, about 770 miles top to bottom. That’s longer than a lot of countries.

    5. Simone R*

      I wouldn’t worry about it! My fun fact about myself until I move down to the Bay Area this year was that I had never been to CA (and I’d travelled to 15 different countries!). I don’t really think this is something worth hiding from your coworkers. Also don’t be too thrown if it comes up and they express shock/surprise. Plenty of people do that as an instinct but it doesn’t mean they’re deeply judging you or anything.

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Ive travelled along most of CA and the further you get north you may as well be in the PNW – the flora, fauna, history etc is so very different from anything south of Malibu. Every once in a while someone comes up with an agrument the state should be broken into two or three and it DOES have, on its own, a GDP that ranks around that of France or something like that so really, it almost IS its own country down there :)

      I’ve never been to NYC (well, except for an 8 hr layover where I walked a big giant square from Grand Central Station and got back on the bus to the airport) which seems to blow a lot of people’s minds over here on this side of the Atlantic. However – Ive been plenty of other cool places they would never consider going, and I bet you have too!

      Make it into a weird “quirk” – “hahah I KNOW, can you believe it? I should really go sometime, but I HAVE been to XXX, have you?” if anyone asks.

    7. OldMom*

      I don’t understand what fact you are hiding. That you don’t drive? (That seems most shocking to me considering you live in California.) or that you have never been to Southern California?
      Um…I’ve been to Southern California, but just LA. I hear San Diego is nice…but if I can avoid the rest of the southern half of the state for life, I will…too hot, on fire, plastic superficial people as far as the eye can see, smog, traffic, balanced by…what? Nice beaches?
      Far as I can see, your choices are…go there sometime, or, don’t go and own your choice not to. Unless you like celebrities and want to see film industry stuff, or you can manage to get on Jeopardy…I don’t see any reason to go to Southern California. It is not an embarrassment to not have been somewhere. Especially somewhere you have no desire to go.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This.
        I live in NY. I never, ever go to NYC and I have no desire to go.
        There is nothing to be embarrassed about here.
        It’s no more embarrassing than say, your coworker went to France and you didn’t.
        People are allowed to make choices. People are allowed to be disinclined to travel to x place.

        Having a car/driving is a separate story. I hope you can break this into two parts so you can begin to break down the power of this concern. I have a car and I do drive. I won’t drive more than a few hours away from home. Long story but basically life experiences have helped me to set a preference of not traveling long distances alone.

        Here’s the key. People who are true friends will not care about this stuff. My vote is not to hide this stuff. Hiding it grants it power that it does not deserve. Put it out there in the open, people will respond in whatever way they want to, but your life will continue on. You will probably find that people care way less about it than you ever imagined.

        1. Nervous Accountant*

          NY-er as well, and NYC. Except I’ve been to Central park maybe 2-3x in my life. And I went to school near there. I didn’t get my drivers license until I was 30, and I didn’t feel like a “real” driver (aka being able to comfortably drive on a highway) until just a few months ago (age 32). My in laws live in Toronto and have said ther’es nothing special about visiting niagara (though some of them still do). so that fact alone isn’t weird IMO

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Went to NYC when I was 9. Stood in front of Central Park briefly. It was nice in the city and all. But I have never felt a strong reason to go back. Now, talk about going to the ocean and I am all over that.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        Not that shocking that someone from Northern California doesn’t drive, especially if that someone is from San Francisco or Oakland (I know a few folks like that myself).

        I do think, particularly in the age of Instagram and Facebook, there can be pressure to appear to be a world traveller and have checked off a whole bunch of boxes about places you’ve been, as if that proves you lived a full life. Travel is excellent, and it can be rewarding, but checking off a bunch of boxes (“I went here, here, here, and here”) is just silly. Makes me think of It’s a Wonderful Life and how George Bailey desperately wanted to travel the world but got “stuck” in his hometown running the family business he didn’t want to run… and still ended up “the richest man in town” (you have to watch the movie for that line to make sense—dude has no money).

        For what it’s worth, I’ve lived in California for decades, and I’ve never once been to Yosemite. It looks beautiful. I hope to go some day. But if I die tomorrow and didn’t go to Yosemite… well, then, I didn’t go.

    8. fposte*

      I’m with several other posters in not getting why you think this is shocking or needs to be hidden. Awkward silences happen all the time and they don’t mean people are shocked. “I haven’t been–what do you like there?” is an answer that’s likely to keep the conversation going. Sure, you get the occasional person who wants to overdramatize a response to this, but there’s nothing special about Southern California there (They’re equally likely to say, “I can’t believe you haven’t been to Nauru yet! You must go before it’s absolutely spoiled by those refugees”).

      What you describe overall fits tons of people that I know. None of this is that unusual. Treating it as if it were is going to make the reaction a lot bigger; lying is going to make it bigger still (and that, frankly, would shock me–I wouldn’t get why somebody would lie about something so innocuous). Discuss what things you do do and enjoy, avoid condemning those other things because plenty of people like them, and try to keep the conversation moving rather than stopping it dead with only “I don’t do Facebook/cooking/whatever”–continue with a question or elaboration so it’s clear it’s not a rejection.

    9. all aboard the anon train*

      The type of people who make a big deal about someone never having travelled to a certain place are jerks. I mean, I can maybe understand being surprised if you find out someone was born in Town X and never left Town X in their life, not even to go to a neighboring town, but never having gone to a different city/state/country?

      It’s not that big of a deal. It happens to more people than you think. I’d bring it up if you feel comfortable doing it, and while you might find some people are surprised, I think a lot of people aren’t going to care. The people who do make a big deal about it or make you feel embarrassed or guilty probably aren’t the type of people you want to be around.

    10. Never Been to LA*

      Thank you all for your input and for not thinking it is odd.

      I lived in a ethnically-diverse metro city in Northern California, where many people have tried multi-ethnic foods, travel around the country/world, learned new languages, etc. Sometimes it seems to be a large atmosphere of people interested in travel and knowing about what is like being in “other places.”

      Sometimes there are people who outside of CA who would expect that I, who lived in this city, should also be into travel like many others. But that is just an assumption or stereotype.

      I haven’t met too much people who never travel much like I do, and I am very different from the a lot of the people in my city.

      But I guess when I meet friends, I shouldn’t let that get me down. So I will try to be okay with never being to Southern California and admit that fact when it comes up in conversations.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        I’m not saying no one is going to judge you. I have many quirks that extremely unusual, and I’m super up front about them. People have judged me. People have made fun of me. But, ultimately, most people (and definitely the people of quality who I want in my life) just consider those quirks to be what makes me me. I know that sounds as cheesy as an 80s after school special, but it’s true.

        It’s sort of like how everyone feels pressure to have a traditional wedding (whatever that means—could be fancy food, white dress, alcohol, toasts, dancing, Pachelbel’s Canon, etc.). The weddings I’ve been most impressed and touched by of my friends’ are the least traditional, though.

        And, yes, as someone mentioned earlier, it may also mean that at some point (not any time soon), someone may actually just want to take you to So Cal… and you may end up enjoying it more than you thought you would. You don’t have to have any big inclination or drive to go there. That doesn’t preclude you from eventually going.

  77. amanda_cake*

    My anxiety has about driven me crazy today.
    A month ago roughly, I won a prize from a direct home sales drawing. It was a good bit of product (over $100) of my choice. I told my rep what I wanted and sent her the money for shipping (still had to pay that). With life and everything, I promptly forgot about it until reviewing bank stuff and saw where the shipping had come out. I haven’t received the package.

    After deliberation with a friend, I sent her a message. I was hesitant to message her because it had been so long and I honestly didn’t want her to think I was trying to do something crooked. Based on the messages I got from her in our conversation, I think that was her first assumption. She started explaining to me to the process of how to claim the prize and when I told her if she would scroll up, she’d see what I had decided I wanted (she had helped me pick out some stuff) and then where I had paid the shipping. She said she was going to check and see if it was sent, if there was tracking on it, and such on Monday. She sends a TON of mail. The prizes are sent out of her new inventory stash, not directly from the company so it wasn’t like I was getting emails with tracking information. I am certainly afraid that the post office is going to tell her the package was delivered (I’ve never had anything stolen from my porch before, but it could happen) and then I’m going to look bad. I also like this gal and would hate for her to replace the items out of her pocket.

    Basically, that has me all kinds of bent out of shape today.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      She’s the one who looks bad. You gave her money for an item. She never dropped the item in the mail to you. This has very little to do with friendship and more to do with how she runs her business.
      Replacing lost or stolen items is a part of doing business. If she makes a big deal over out of pocket loss that is a lack of professionalism on her part.
      If she had mailed the item to you then she should have sent you the tracking link. It would have been a professional gesture.
      I would not worry about looking bad if I were you, she is the one with the problem. If she does not come up with that item for you and/or does not return your money then you can report her for her failure to complete the transaction.
      If she does not make good on this situation, I’d stop doing business with her if it was me.

    2. fposte*

      She needs to refund your shipping or provide you a tracking link. I think she should be worrying more about your opinion of her than her opinion of you. (It’s a month. It’s not that long. She took money from you. She should be falling all over herself to fix this. You may like her, but I don’t.)

    3. Observer*

      She needs to provide you with a shipping link. Don’t let her tell you that one is not available – the USPS actually does that.

      If she messed up, that’s on her, not you. If she’s professional, it won’t harm your relationship. If it does, then that’s not really good friendship material, anyway.

      1. amanda_cake*

        It wouldn’t surprise me if it slipped through the cracks and didn’t get sent the first time.

        If she did send it, it also wouldn’t surprise me if she sends things without tracking information to save money. Which would be fine if it was a $17 item where it wouldn’t be the end of the world to replace, but this is significantly more.

  78. Bibliovore*

    Kitchen renovation week 3. I got an instant pot. Anyone have any go-to successful recipes?

    1. Cruciatus*

      I got one too! (Amazon Prime?) I’ve literally only made one thing so far, hard boiled eggs. Or are they now pressure steamed eggs? One broke, but the rest came out perfectly. I’ve never had shells that just peeled off so well. Tonight I am going to try a rib recipe I saw that was like, 4 ingredients. Ribs, salt, pepper, BBQ sauce. I hope it comes out OK. I feel like I’m taking it up a huge notch from eggs. There is an Instant Pot Facebook page. It’s actually so insanely busy (especially since Amazon Prime Day) that I had to turn off seeing every post in my feed, but people are constantly posting recipe ideas there, and links to other sites. That’s how I saw the ribs and egg recipes. I also bought 1 cook book for Instant Pots and put about 5 of them on hold at the library. I hope to master this thing!

  79. Elizabeth West*

    I revamped my blog (linked to my name) because I was tired of the color scheme. I also slapped a sci-fi story up on it. Enjoy! LOL

    The blog had a dark green background before, with a picture of old books, and the link color was brown. I used to like it but now just seemed dingy. Does it look okay? I feel like this looks much cleaner and more modern. Maybe this will encourage me to post more, haha.

  80. Cruciatus*

    I need help figuring out if I’m being unfair towards my realtor. I contacted her on the 3rd of July for the first time (she had really good reviews and other people have told me she was great). We actually went to high school together, though we were a year apart and not good friends and haven’t seen each other since I graduated. I heard back from her after the holiday and she asked about a good time to call and made it for Monday (though I also had Thursday and Friday off). I was already a little surprised that we wouldn’t speak sooner but decided to go with it. Then on Monday she didn’t even call until after 6 p.m. and I felt she didn’t really ask enough questions. I even had to ask if she had any other questions for me which got her to ask how I was financing the house. I was already not too enthusiastic about this encounter. That night she sent a bunch of listings with most of the houses outside the area I was looking. Not super far as my city isn’t huge, but it wasn’t the area I had mentioned. I wasn’t able to get back to her until Wednesday but I told her most of those houses were further than I’d like and I also included a list of a few houses I had been watching in case she had any information on them. She finally got back to me Saturday afternoon and asked if there any houses I wanted to see this weekend at open houses or if we were waiting for a larger list of houses before we go out. I asked her if it made more sense to wait and she said she could do a couple tomorrow (Sunday) to get me started, but then she’ll be at a conference Wednesday through Sunday. There are only two houses on my list that are having open houses so I said those ones since they would at least get me familiar with the neighborhoods if nothing else. Then in her last email she asked if I could do them on my own (I live near the city) and we could go back later as she has her own open house (they are all almost always scheduled at the same time). I don’t know how to respond and I’m very frustrated! I feel like more should have happened by now and now next weekend is out since she’ll be at a conference (which isn’t her fault). I could go on my own but I have no one else to act as a second pair of eyes. This is as far as we’ve gotten but I’m thinking I should try someone else, though I don’t have anyone else lined up. As I write this out it all seems like non-problems though I was with friends tonight as these emails happened and they were like “get a new realtor.” Am I being high maintenance or unreasonable? And if I should “break up” with her, how should I do it?

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      I had a similar experience once, where the realtor was wishy washy and didn’t seem to be trying to help me. In retrospect, I don’t think she had anything in my price range or desired location at that time. I wish she had been straightforward about it though. I wasted a lot of time trying to communicate with her.

    2. Colette*

      Yeah, find someone else. She doesn’t sound very interested. (I assume you haven’t signed a contract.)

      I found my real estate agent by going to an open house – so go, talk to the agents, and see if there’s someone you click with.

      1. Bibliovore*

        break up. Your real estate agent should be actively helping you. That is why they get a commission.

    3. OldMom*

      I’m also in this process and there seems to be a ton of info on selecting a realtor. I think one of the sites (Realtor or Zillow) has a link for that where you fill out a questionnaire and they send you matches. It’s possible that this one doesn’t really concentrate in the kind of place or location that you want.
      You can also look at the listings you like and pick some realtor names from the listing agents. Then look them up and check their reviews and sales. You want someone who sells a lot of the types of houses you are interested in, and someone you can click with.
      A realtor doesn’t really need to go with you to open houses if you are just getting a feel for the market. Probably not the best use of her time.
      As for how to break up…just be straightforward. The convention is that you should use only one buyers agent, it’s kind of “cheating” if you use more than one and then they have to worry about stepping on each other’s toes, competing for commissions. So she will not be surprised. “I’ve decided to work with another realtor.” Especially if you have never met with her in person it will not be a big deal. Or, “I’m working with x realtor who knows y market better; thank you for your time.” She will probably just wish you luck. (For that matter will probably not be surprised if you just ghost. Not the nicest but it’s a business matter and you don’t owe her anything.)

    4. Max Kitty*

      So you first contacted her on 3 July but as of 16 July she hasn’t personally shown you any houses, and now she won’t be available on the weekend until 29 July? And you don’t feel particularly comfortable with her? I would be looking for a new agent. You want someone actually helping you, and if you find something you like, you’re going to need your agent to be on it. Good houses can go fast.

      For comparison, our agent personally showed us 36 houses over several weekends, and he was cheerful the whole time. I know it took a ton of his time, but he was great about everything.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yeah, and you can use that as the reason — “I’m really eager to get going and I know you’ve been busy, so I’ve decided to work with another agent.”

        1. Bibliovore*

          This. I contacted my realtor on the internet. She sent links to houses on the market. Over a weekend we looked at 14 places in my specified neighborhoods.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Yeah, time to move on. She is way too much work.

      If you want someone to look at the house with you and give you an opinion of the house a realtor might not be the person you want.
      One house we looked at we brought my father who had done enough construction work to look at things with a critical eye.
      Another house we looked at seriously we brought a friend’s brother who was a contractor. (He saved our butts on that one.)
      Perhaps you can find someone like this. If necessary offer to reimburse them for their time.

    6. Toph*

      This person doesn’t sound super into helping you, so you’re probably better off going with someone else. That said one thing that stuck out about me is you mentioned she didn’t ask enough questions. In my experience with realtors, it’s most helpful if you just tell them all your requirements in terms of musts/wants/nice to haves, how flexible you are on area, etc. And what your schedule will usually look like in terms of when you can go see stuff. Don’t wait for or expect the realtor to ask you what you want. Just tell them up front, and a good one should be able to let you know if your expectations aren’t reasonable, or if it might take longer than you hope to find something within your parameters, etc. or of course, if it your expectations are reasonable, they should promptly give you a handful of listings to consider and see if you’d like to go view.
      However, if there are open houses for any properties you’re interested in, it’s totally normal for you to go without your realtor, but it’s also normal (and necessary) for you to tell the selling realtor that you are already working with a realtor. So the open house thing isn’t a red flag, to me. You obviously need the realtor to let you in for a viewing when it is not an open house and it’ll just be you and her looking. But if it’s open, it’s fine to go on your own. If the only thing that put you off about working with this person were her asking you to go to the open houses on your own, I’d say you might be a little unfair, but given the rest of what you said, I think it’s reasonable that you want someone who will be more proactive in helping with your search. Especially if you’re in a market where properties go fast.

      1. Cruciatus*

        I did tell her what I was looking for, but there are surely things I overlooked as this is not routine for me to buy houses. I realized later I never mentioned yard type (and she didn’t ask about it), whether I wanted trees nearby or not, whether I wanted to be walking distance to X, Y, or Z. Or other things. I gave her what information I was thinking of, but I feel like there was a lot she didn’t bother looking into. I shouldn’t have to think of everything.

        I’m also bothered by the fact she said she was able to see a couple with me, then, surprise! oh, she has her own open house too so I should go alone. The open houses are almost always from 1-3 so, like, when did you think you were going to see these houses with me and then to just tell me an hour later you have your own open house. I’ve seen my sister work with realtors a few times and they took her to every property, even without open houses. They provided guidance and I guess I just feel like I’m not getting that here. I feel very alone in this process! I know maybe that’s not unusual, but I guess I’m learning I want someone to be more available than this.

        1. JulieBulie*

          No, you should not have to think of everything, and it’s very strange to me that she didn’t ask you yard type, which in most areas is a key differentiator.

          Most realtors I’ve worked with practically fell all over themselves to find me the right house. You can certainly find someone who is a better fit.

        2. fposte*

          In my experience, I don’t get asked that kind of thing by realtors, and people around here go to open houses on their own. For me the telling comment is “they took her to every property, even without open houses.” What I *expect* from my realtor is to take me to properties that don’t have open houses–that’s what she’s there for. Now, it’s fine in a small area like mine and a narrow remit like mine for her to say “There really isn’t anything new this week that fit what you’re looking for,” but it sounds like the main thing a realtor is there to do she isn’t doing and isn’t giving you an explanation as to why.

          Consider also learning from this and doing a little interviewing of the next realtor. It sounds like you’re a first-time buyer who’d like a lot of support–what kind of support does the realtor generally offer for people like you? This time of year with your search conditions, how many are on the market right now, and how many properties are you likely to be seeing per week/month? (I’d also ask how hot the market is and how long you’re likely to have to make a decision–I think in a seller’s market where a buyer has to move fast, a supportive agent is going to make a huge difference to a first-time buyer.)

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Agreed.

            When we bought this house here, we pretty much spearheaded our own search. Realtors would say they would call us but they never did.
            I had a list of must haves and a list of nice to haves. I also figured out my own price range using a calc (no internet back then). This was helpful because I could see right through the mortgage grantor.

            But, yeah, it was a lot of DIY.
            Do make a list. Use the houses you have seen so far to launch your list. (Ex. The house I grew up in had the washer and dryer in the cellar. NO WAY!)

        3. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Hmmm, so I wouldn’t expect to be asked those questions (about trees, yard type, etc.). You tell her what’s important to you, and she assumes you’ll mention anything that’s a must-have. From there, she’ll show you properties that more or less match what you told her, within your price range. So if you said “2-3 bedrooms with a fireplace and a garage,” she’s going to show you houses that match that and will assume that trees aren’t a big issue either way — or that if you realize they are as you start looking at places without them, you’ll tell her that and she’ll add that into her understanding of what you might like (and I think it’s pretty normal for that to get refined as you go). But I’ve never had a realtor quiz me up-front about anything other than price range, area, and basics like size/number of bedrooms.

          And I wouldn’t expect her to accompany you to open houses — just other places, since you can go to open houses on your own. My realtor offered to take me to some open houses, but I figured there was no need; what I needed her for was the non-open-houses.

          To me, the issue here is that she’s not especially responsive or available, and that’s worth changing agents over. But this other stuff seems pretty normal.

    7. The IT Manager*

      Move on. You need someone on your wavelength and showing you what you ask for.

      Do be clear. “I’m interested in houses I this area, and I’m in no rush so don’t look anywhere else” is different than “I prefer this area but I want to be moved in by October.”

      That said. You can and should go to open houses on your own. (The realtor should not have misled you that she’d accompany you and change at the last minute so dump her.) If you find a house you’re interested in you’ll make at least two visits to it maybe more so starting with an open house is fine. Open houses allow you to get an idea of what you like and don’t like. If you really like any, you tell your realtor that and she’ll schedule another visit.

      On the buying end, the realtor is supposed to help you find houses that met your interest and take you to them, she’s not doing that for you so drop her and find someone who will.

    8. Cruciatus*

      So this thread has been an interesting read. I contacted my friends that are searching or recently searched in the same area and they said their realtors were with them for everything. Maybe it’s a regional difference, maybe they just got really attentive realtors. I did go to the open houses (none were “the one”, but it helped me better imagine the square footage and what that really looks like and things like that. Also, don’t think I didn’t notice all the air freshener in the air and outlets–what are you trying to hide!?) Unfortunately there were no agents to chat with as a replacement. One house was FSBO and the other agent gave me a creepy vibe. When I got home around 3, just as the open houses were ending, I had an email from my realtor asking if there were any other open houses I wanted to go to. Um, no as they are all now over (and I wasn’t about to go back up to the city). I haven’t “broken up” with her yet. I wish I had someone else lined up first… Blergh.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Maybe you should contact one of your friends’ realtors. It sounds like the level of service you are looking for.

        I hate saying this but I thought for my price range, not too many realtors were going to knock themselves out. I more or less expected I would have to find my house on my own. We told a few of them what we were looking for and never heard back. (We did this one agent at a time. For a few months there was Jane who never called back. Then there was Bob for a few more months. He never called either. And so on.)

    9. TootsNYC*

      I don’t think it’s a good use of a realtor’s time to go with you to an open house, even if it’s just you.

      But yeah, I think you should find someone else. Especially if you haven’t signed a contract.

  81. Candi*

    Okay, something happened last Sunday at the grocery store that I still can’t make sense of, except for one explanation that isn’t exactly charitable on my part. I need some outside perspective, and the ‘go get your dog’ post tells me this is a good community for it.

    After doing some big grocery grocery shopping at Target (cheaper for a lot of things), we popped over to Safeway (meats and produce stuff, and pharmacy). On our way through the registers, my son and I spotted a chihuahua in the basket of a cart, wrapped snugly in blankets so you could only see its face from a certain angle.

    Keep in mind, it was in the mid 80s F by that time, about 5-6 pm. PNW summers.

    The local Safeway allows properly harnessed/vested service and therapy animals. They’ll let freshly adopted pets from PetCo/PetSmart slide occasionally. (Which is likely why the very vocal 8 week old kitten the couple behind us had didn’t get busted.) I’ve seen chihuahuas and other animals with vests sitting high and proud in carts with never a problem.

    So as my son and I are leaving, he asks what’s up with the dog. Pulling from my experiences behind a register and as a housekeeper/food court worker, I told him that the owner was likely trying to hide the dog. My assumption was reinforced by the woman going through the self-serve registers.

    Guess who was right behind us?

    She LOUDLY said she (the dog) was a service dog, and was wrapped up in a blanket because she got scared in public.

    Screeching halt.

    I’ve thought it over for a week, and her statement makes no darn sense to me, not for service dogs, not for pretty much every type of goes-in-public therapy dog/animal I can think of, including those not considered “official” under the law, but definitely necessary under mental health needs.

    As a kid, I read Follow My Leader, about a blind kid who gets special dispensation to get a guide dog. In my usual way when a subject interests me, I latched on and devoured everything I could find, and have tried to keep up since. My first job was a merry-go-round, and the guide dog trainers brought the puppies to train to ignore distractions. I would talk with them, and couple times they paid me the $1 ride fee to run the thing for their training, since it was slow. I’ve talked to many people with animals on the bus and elsewhere. Every animal I’ve seen ranges between politely attentive to slightly nervous -but never scared. (“Animal”, since one was a cat used for severe social anxiety therapy.)

    On Tuesday, I had to be in town, so I swung by the library and used their (open) wifi to look stuff up on my laptop. I looked into qualifications for the various types of service and therapy animals.

    The woman’s comment about her service dog needing to be wrapped up because she was scared still makes absolutely no sense to me.

    Am I missing something? Is something off? Or is my assumption she lied possibly accurate?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I don’t think you can know, really. Do you have any idea why it’s so important to try to be sure? Could you live with not knowing either way?

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      It most definitely was not a service dog. Service dogs are trained to perform specific tasks for their owners, and a dog cannot do that if it’s been wrapped in a blanket. The woman is in the category of dog owners that is willing to tell the “service dog” lie in order to bring their dogs in places where dogs typically aren’t allowed.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Yup, that’s my guess too. There’s a chance the woman was saying “service dog” when she means “emotional support animal”, but either way, dogs who get scared in public shouldn’t BE in public unless absolutely necessary, for their own safety. This type of thing burns me up, because it’s not fair to the people around you nor to your dog. I say this a someone who wishes she could bring her buddy everywhere because he is so handsome and well-behaved, but, you know, rules, and also, my dog gets anxious when there are a lot of people around (just like me!).

    3. Been There, Done That*

      I read Follow My Leader in elementary school too.

      I don’t think you’re being uncharitable in your view. I’ve been in public around people who have been darn near militant in insisting that their Scruffy is a service dog when the dog seems very unsocialized. Some of these people don’t seem like the sort of humans any pet needs.

    4. Vicky Austin*

      No comment other than the fact that I didn’t know anyone but me had ever read that book…and now I see at least two have. For me, it lead to a fear of fire crackers

    5. Temperance*

      Service dogs are trained to perform certain tasks for their handlers. A dog wrapped up in blankets that is scared to be in public … isn’t performing any tasks. The dog might be an “emotional support animal”, but that’s not really the same thing.

    6. Girasol*

      I saw one in the grocery the other day, acting more like a pet than a trained animal for an owner who did not have any clearly apparent disability, but it was wearing a small jacket. I was guessing “emotional support animal” as well. They’re considered service dogs too, aren’t they? I suppose they’re less likely to spread germs than the wild birds that are forever getting into that store and cheeping from the high rafters.

      1. fposte*

        No, they’re in a different legal category than service dogs. It’s kind of a complicated landscape right now, dogwise.

        Emotional support animals are protected by the Fair Housing Act and the Air Carrier Access Act–the law requires their accommodation in most housing and on airplanes. They are *not* covered by the ADA and therefore do not have to be allowed in stores. In order to receive legal protection, an ESA must be prescribed by a medical professional, and a landlord may request to see the paperwork (unsurprisingly, there are now online prescription mills for ESAs). Service animals (dogs and mini-horses *only*) are protected by the ADA and do have to be allowed in stores. They do not have any required paperwork and it is illegal to ask to see such in deciding whether to admit/allow an animal.

        Vests are useful enough for training cues (when the vest is on, you’re working) and for IDing the animal in public that they’re pretty common for service dogs, but they’re not required or universal, so it would be incorrect to consider an animal not a service dog just because they have no vest.

        The behavior isn’t necessarily an indicator; you can indeed have badly behaved real service dogs (and store owners can kick them out based on behavior if need be), and sometimes the services are intermittent so a dog may seem more petlike when he’s not performing the services.

          1. blackcat*

            I have known many mini horses. Only one was not an asshole. Do not get a mini horse.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I have another wrinkle to add: Grocery stores are very strange work environments. One store I worked at people brought dogs in and as long as nothing went wrong, no one said anything. The rationale was “don’t do anything to tick off the customer”. This even went as far as NOT calling the police when a dog was left in a hot car. Don’t tick off the customer.
          I had to find a saner workplace.

      2. Uncivil Engineer*

        Emotional support dogs are not service dogs and are not covered under ADA laws like service dogs are.

      3. ginger ale for all*

        A friend’s child has a dog that helps him with his diabetes which is very erratic. The child has gone into comas while sleeping, etc. The child doesn’t look like he needs one but he does.

        1. Candi*

          Figured that out when I saw a show on Hearing Ear dogs as a teen. :) It’s awesome what they can train critters to do.

    7. blackcat*

      Ugh, I got super cranky waiting for a flight near a german shepard mix that kept *trying to bite passers by.* It was wearing a “service dog” vest, but no trained service dog tries to bite strangers including small children. And it wasn’t small–it looked like it weighed more than me. I can’t believe the airline let them get away with bringing that dog, uncrated, into the cabin. Fortunately I was seated far away from those people–I would have been genuinely scared to sit in the same row.

      1. Artemesia*

        I would have so called security and raised hell on that. An animal like that could ruin a child’s life — imagine it lunching at a toddler and ripping its face.

    8. the.kat*

      My assumption would be that this dog is her “emotional support animal.” She’s either gone to her doctor and gotten a note that she needs an ESA or heard that if she calls it an ESA that no one can tell her she can’t bring it with her. This isn’t true, an ESA is allowed to live with you, but isn’t allowed into places that don’t allow dogs.

    9. Candi*

      Thank you to everyone who applied.

      Out of curiousity, I called the store. The LOCAL store doesn’t question if it’s a ESA or a service animal IF it’s wearing a vest. No idea what corporate thinks of it. But the local store will kick out badly behaved animals of any type. The culture in this town tends to be one of Golden and Platinum rules and civility, and the local brick and mortar businesses generally don’t put up with bad behavior on either side of the employee-customer equation.

  82. Legalchef*

    Holy cranky baby, batman! My son is now just over 5 weeks and is amazing and so cute that he probably makes other babies feel bad about themselves (seriously, if I put up a pic of him y’all would be squee-ing), but frankly he is being a bit of a butt these days!

    He must be going through a growth spurt and a cranky/fussy stage, because not only has he regressed to eating around every 2-3 hours, instead of 3-4 (and sometimes 5!), he also spends most of the day crying, unless I am holding him. Which means that I am going through a cranky/fussy stage too!

    And, I don’t think my husband dealt *gets* it. He started back at work last week, so I’ve been by myself with they baby, and it’s hard to eat or shower, let alone get in a nap, with a baby who doesn’t want to be put down. He keeps telling me not to be so stressed because it will make the baby stressed, which I guess is true, but makes me want to punch him.

    Mostly just a vent, but if anyone has any words of wisdom I will take them! I know he will move on from this stage soon, and sleeping will eventually get better, but right now that just seems so far away.

    1. Jules the First*

      The cranky-hungry-sleepy all the time baby is almost definitely planning for a growth spurt. Hang in there – it should get better in the next few days (well, until the next growth spurt…).

      Things you can try:
      – a baby wrap to allow you to wear the baby so he feels close to you but you have at least one hand free
      – when your husband takes over baby-holding duty in the evening, make yourself a pile of sandwiches, cut up a bunch of fruit and veggies and cheese and snacky things and stick them in the fridge. This way you have stuff handy to munch on the next day that doesn’t require prep or two hands. Do not be ashamed to eat cookies – they’re a good choice for quickie pick-me-up snacks, eapecially coupled with a piece of cheese or a glass of milk. If baby’s having a growth spurt, you need to make sure you’re eating enough for you too! (My sister, whose wee one went from 6lbs on day one to 18lbs at three months, used to eat while she nursed to make sure she kept enough calories going in…making milk is hard work!)
      – music. I looked after one little guy who was utterly inconsolable every time he put on a growth spurt. We did a lot of dancing around the room to Vivaldi or whatever because movement and sound seemed to help him chill.
      – swaddling. Some parents swear by it for cranky “hold me!” types, though I’ve never looked after a baby that would tolerate being swaddled (on reflection, perhaps I just suck at doing it?)
      – talk to him! When you do have to put him down to shower or use the bathroom, start a monologue so he knows you’re still there (five week olds don’t see very well and you smell different when you’ve finished your shower).

      1. Legalchef*

        Thanks! I just started using the ergo, but I don’t see it being comfortable for at-home wearing. My sister gave me her old k’tan but I haven’t tried it yet. As for swaddling, he used to love it, now not so much.

    2. ..Kat..*

      Can you afford a babysitter? I used to babysit for a woman so that she could take a leisurely bath, take a nap, etc.

      1. Legalchef*

        We can, but my parents also live fairly close. They’ve come in a few times to help out/let us nap. My mom is coming in to babysit this week while I go to my 6-week post partum Drs appt, and I’m sure she’ll hang out all day so I can relax a bit.

    3. overeducated*

      My sympathies! I don’t miss that age. Sometimes you do everything you can do and the baby is still just fussy and hungry. It will pass. Just get through each hour the best you can and know your exhaustion and stress are totally justified :)

    4. Observer*

      Everything Jules the First said. Also, you may want to leave your husband with the baby for an entire day. It’s not the same, but it should help him understand what you are dealing with.

      And, seriously, the baby wrap or carrier. If you can manage it, it’s a really worthwhile investment in your sanity, even if you never wear him outside of the house.

      1. Legalchef*

        I would love to leave the baby with my husband for the day but I’d need to be around to feed the munchkin.

          1. TootsNYC*

            If you haven’t given him a bottle yet, I just want to say this thing I believe: It’s also good for babies to get used to some variety in how the food is delivered. Then, if you really HAD to leave him with someone else and a bottle, it wouldn’t be so traumatic.

    5. Katie the Fed*

      Be patient with yourself. Well-meaning people who tell you not to be stressed are terrible. As if telling you not to stress is going to make it magically go away. I had to tell my husband VERY early on that telling me to relax when I was upset was like trying to smother a fire with liquid oxygen.

      I have no advice because my baby is still in utero, but I wish you luck!

    6. LazyGirl*

      it is totally normal for babies this young to go through phases where they need to be fed and held more. Please don’t view it as a regression. Babies change so much during the first year – you’re going to feel better if you can mentally accept that you need to roll with the changes (easier said than done I know).

      Practical advice:
      -Take the baby into the bathroom with you (in a bouncy seat or car seat or just on a towel on the rug) and talk to him while you shower. Never skip showering!
      -Sleep when the baby sleeps works for lots of people, but for me I often just held the baby on my lap and read books. This was more refreshing to me. I guess the point is figure out how you want to use nap time for you, but it may need to be sedentary.
      -You and hubby will get into an evening routine, but that routine *must* include one on one time with the baby. You need the break and they need the bonding time.
      -If anything is worrying you call up medical professionals or other moms and ask! They want to help you and caring for a new baby is a learned skill, not something easy and instinctual

      Good luck to you. Enjoy this new little person <3

      1. Legalchef*

        I’ll have to try bringing him into the bathroom with me. Maybe that will work! Though if it doesn’t and he screams the whole time I’ll be too strsssed enjoy my shower…

        Luckily my dad is a pediatrician so I have a medical professional on call :)

        1. Observer*

          Even if you don’t actually enjoy the shower, do it anyway – you’ll feel MUCH better.

          Also, figure out how to eat, and make sure to get dressed each day. Even if it’s as basic as getting out of your pajamas and into a robe, washing your face and brushing teeth and hair. You feel so much more human that way.

    7. Artemesia*

      Babies do that to increase the milk supply when they have growth spurts. It is totally normal development to go from a reasonable eating schedule to demanding food every two or three hours until the supply increases to match their growth.

      And for the next 20 years just when you think you have it figured out you get a new phase.

  83. Elkay*

    I’ve been pondering this for a while – is it weird to contact podcasters/forum hosts to say thank you for what they produce. I’m not sure if it’s British sensibilities holding me back but it seems a bit attention seeking to contact someone and say I think you’re great, why the hell should they care what I think. One is a forum host who shut down their forum a while ago but I remembered it this week when I saw them doing something else and it bought back nice memories. The others are current podcasts I listen to.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I get letters like that sometimes, and it’s a really nice thing. I encourage you to do it! I understand that “why should they care what I think” thing, but the answer is that they care what you think because when you do that kind of public work, it’s because you’re hopeful it will be interesting/enjoyable/useful to people … and so it’s gratifying to hear that it is!

    3. London Calling*

      When I go to a talk or a theatre performance I’ve enjoyed I always make a point of sending to the talk give/actors involved a tweet or an email if have the details, letter if I don’t, saying how much I enjoyed the talk, performance whatever and I’ve had some lovely replies. Go for it and cast that British sensibility to the wind. Everyone likes being told they are wonderful and that they have given enjoyment, even if it’s to a total stranger.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I’ve done that too. That’s how I got to meet Ben Kingsley briefly after seeing him at the Theatre Royal Haymarket years ago (though TBH, I was more interested in the hot guy in the Inquiries booth). :)

    4. The IT Manager*

      Podcasters often ask for a review on iTunes saying it helps other listeners find them. If you’re reluctant to directly contact them I’m sure a glowing review on the podcast app you use would be appreciated.

      1. Retail Manager to Designer*

        I second this. My partner (and I, to a lesser extent) hosts a podcast, and it is wonderful knowing that someone is listening. Showing support via iTunes reviews or even just retweets/ Facebook shares means so much too, if you don’t feel comfortable enough to send an email.

    5. Tris Prior*

      My boyfriend is a podcaster and he LOVES it when he gets positive feedback from listeners. I’d say go ahead!

    6. Not So Bad Candidate*

      I’ve been a podcaster and a forum host and loved getting feedback like that.

    7. TootsNYC*

      I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t like it!
      I emailed Lillian Cunningham of the Washington Post’s “Presidential,” and she wrote a nice note back!

  84. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I just have to share that I feel so bad for my doggy right now. My boyfriend just returned from 5 days away, and the dog was baffled by his change in routine, so that was bad enough. Then I started packing to go away, which means there is a suitcase on the guest bed and lots of hustle and bustle and my bud has absolutely no idea what is going on. He’s reluctant to eat, he follows me around (this is normal, but he’s clingier than usual) and he keeps looking at me with these super sad doggy eyes. Our walks yesterday and this morning were super short because he just wanted to be home. When he realizes he’s coming with us, there will be much joy, but until then… poor sweet bud.

    1. MechanicalPencil*

      Can you somehow signal that he gets to come? If I pack food for mine, that’s the cue. But it also means that I deal with an excited spazz following me around.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Well, I just broke down his crate and put it in the car, so he definitely perked up a bit. Now he’s just waiting for his papa to get out of the shower so we can GO GO GO. Once we get the leash out, he’ll start jumping around for sure. One of his biggest excitement triggers is, “OK, bud, you want to get in your car? Let’s get in your car!”

    2. Not So NewReader*

      It’s funny how they tune in to knowing what suitcases mean.
      Maybe you can put one his toys in your suitcase and he will lighten up?

      1. Katie the Fed*

        My dog’s first owner passed away while overseas (dog was staying with family) and we didn’t think much of it until I got out my suitcase the first time and she crapped all over the house in a panic.

        For several years after we would make sure she never saw a suitcase – we always took her to boarding before we packed (even if we did pile stuff up). In the last couple years she’s gotten better with it and realizes we’re coming back.

        1. LCL*

          We had a dog that had been given to a no kill shelter because her humans travelled a lot and she couldn’t cope. When boyfriend spent a week! packing and re packing his suitcase so it was perfect, she chewed a huge hot spot under her tail in 20 minutes and had to go to the vet for sedation and treatment. After that he listened to me and wouldn’t start packing until she had been dropped off at my mom’s house.

  85. Been There, Done That*

    You mean like a letter to the editor or a fan letter? I’d think they’d appreciate the feedback on how they’re doing with their audience.

  86. Volunteer Enforcer*

    L0ve that photo of Evie sticking her head through the curtain. Equal parts funny and cute

  87. Ramona Flowers*

    What do people think about the Doctor Who casting announcement? It’s a woman – Jodie Whittaker – and I think she’s an absolutely terrific choice (from Attack the Block and Broadchurch). I’m so pleased it’s not Kris Marshall.

    We haven’t watched any of the most recent series except the opener, so would hugely appreciate it if people didn’t discuss recent plot developments in response :)

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      It’s about time. Seems a fairly low bar to clear—13 doctors… can 1 be a woman?

    3. Tris Prior*

      I’m excited that it’s a woman! I really hope that all the fanboys out there don’t start hating, though. Some men are REALLY resistant to women taking over traditionally male roles. :/

      I liked her in Broadchurch but I’m having a bit of a hard time envisioning her with the Doctor’s high energy and excitement, since her character in Broadchurch was rather depressed, for obvious reasons. But I’m really interested to see what she does in the role.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Annnnnnnd….. the fanboys are all up in arms, very angry that they’ve cast a woman. I think my favorite is the dude who said that having one woman Doctor after 12 male Doctors is unequal – to the MEN. Oh, I’m sorry, I was under the impression that women made up more than 1/13 of the population!

        Sigh. Clearly we still have a long way to go. :/

        1. TootsNYC*

          My favorite is the guy who said, “I’m now looking forward to a male Wonder Woman, a male Miss Marple, a male Lara Croft, an all-male Sex in the City reboot, a male Xena, because obviously it’s ‘important’ to ‘challenge gender stereotypes’…”

          And @JoeScaramanga replied:
          “Superman, Poirot, Indiana Jones, Entourage and Hercules. You’re welcome.”

    4. all aboard the anon train*

      To be honest, I keep forgetting the show’s still on. I didn’t realize it until someone tweeted about the casting decision earlier.

      On one hand, I want to be happy, but the more cynical part of me thinks they only did it out of pandering to the fans who complained about it for so long. After some of the things that have been said about casting over the years, I’m inclined to think it was done mostly for exposure and pats on the back about diversity, as if often the case.

      I might check it out for the female casting alone, but I feel like the ship sailed years ago when I stopped watching out of frustration.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Seems they’ve been pandering to sexist men for a while now. Don’t see any problem with them “pandering” to the rest of us just once.

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          But I don’t think the pandering is well-intentioned, I guess. I feel like they did it more so people would stop “complaining” about something they didn’t think was a legitimate complaint and so they could pat themselves on the back, not because they really want a female doctor. They just want all the articles about the sexism to stop.

          They’ve always written women terribly, and I don’t think that’s going to change just because they have a female doctor. Pandering might not have been the right word, but I don’t think they had this casting for the best reasons. I’m very much for a female doctor, but I just worry they’ll continue on in the vein of writing female characters poorly, even including the lead (and note: I haven’t watched the most recent seasons, so that could have all changed, but seasons 1- 7 weren’t that great in regards to women).

    5. Jules the First*

      I took a while to warm up to Capaldi as the Doctor, but this season was an absolute cracker (I’m a little jelly that you still have it to look forward to!) and I’ll miss him.

      I’m excited to see what a woman can do with the role and, to be honest, more worried what happens with the new showrunner. A great actor can only do so much if the underlying story or script is crap. I’d actually love to see the new Doctor come up against Me…she was such a great character but it never felt like she really clicked with the Doctor of the time.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I have heard really good things about this series.

        I hated Me though, sorry. The character, the story, everything. I was more of a Missy fan…

        1. Carpe Librarium*

          Missy was a character that looked like *so much fun* to play. Super-intelligent and unpredictable, joyfully wreaking havoc; not out of some ego-driven desire to rule the world/universe, just for sh!ts and giggles.

      2. Chaordic One*

        I never really cared for Capaldi as the Doctor and I don’t think that I’ll be missing him very much, but I do have to admit that he was not very well-served by the scripts and writing that he was given, though they did get better over time.

        It will be interesting to see how a female doctor deals with female protagonists. It looks like Missy isn’t going to be able to regenerate, so we probably won’t be seeing her again. But then you never know how they might bring her back.

        1. Tris Prior*

          I was disappointed in his Doctor too but I too blame the writing, not the actor. It’s a shame, really. They should’ve given him better storylines.

    6. What's in a name*

      A lot will depend on how this character is portrayed and what issues Dr. Who is trying to work out as a woman.

      1. What's in a name*

        And I’m not real enamored with the actress and what I’ve seen on Broadchurch so that doesn’t help.

    7. Gaia*

      Slightly off topic but something I’ve always wondered

      I do not watch Doctor Who but I’ve always wondered – why do they keep changing The Doctor? Is it just to keep the show going or is this part of the plot?

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I think at first it was to keep it going, but it was such a great idea. They can literally go on forever as long as people are still watching. And dedicated Whovians will watch no matter what. They’re obsessed. In my group, we have a few uber-fans whom I hate to play trivia against, haha.

        I figure if I can make it through the Cheetah People episode, I can watch anything!

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I think I saw her also in an episode of Black Mirror. I like her–I think it will be good. I would enjoy a younger male companion who isn’t part of a couple (besides Nardole, whom I love because I love Matt Lucas). They’ve had a couple of the female companions have crushes on the Doctor–would be nice to see a man do it.

      The Master is gonna love this, hahahaha.

    9. Jackie*

      I give it two thumbs up ! Jodie Whittaker is a fantastic actor and I’m really looking forward to seeing her as Doctor Who.

  88. Katie the Fed*

    So, my husband and I are usually pretty frugal – brown bagging our lunches, eating out only rarely, buying stuff used if possible.

    But we’ve said “to hell with it” for a couple months and are making an effort to enjoy the last gasps of our DINK lifestyle. So we’ve made reservations at several nice restaurants (including one REALLLLLY nice one that I’ve only dreamt of going to), some theater tickets, and we’re going to have a short trip to Europe (I cashed in all my miles for that) before I hit my third trimester. It’s hard for me to get my head around spending money like this, but we CAN afford it, and I think it’ll be good for us :)

    I can’t help but feel like this baby (who we very, very much want) is a meteor just flying at us right now, ready to wreak total havoc on our lives. Sigh.

    1. Parenthetically*

      I have had so many moments like that last sentence over the past few months! I was riding with my mother chatting about baby stuff after the big trip my husband and I went on this summer, our last hurrah, and she asked what I was most worried about. My response was to burst into tears and say I was most stressed that the baby was going to completely change the dynamic of my relationship with my husband. I said “change” but I really felt “ruin.” I love my husband and our marriage is awesome, and the idea of being completely wrapped up in this new tiny dependent person fills me with terror a good 12-15% of the time.

      No advice… but all the sympathy!

      1. Katie the Fed*

        We’re trying to brace ourselves now. We’ve accepted that it’ll probably be three years of suck punctuated by some really great times, and then several years of fun. And I agree – I’m really worried about what it’ll do to our relationship :(

        1. Parenthetically*

          I think a big thing is just going to be to roll with it, and to keep being invested in our marriage, and to see each other as still that wonderful person we married, and to build in an emotional/practical support system now. I can’t wait to see my husband be a dad. We already check in with the couple that did our premarital counseling now and then. We have loads of friends who’ve been down this road and have BETTER marriages, BETTER sex lives, MORE fun together as a couple now than before kids. Even my friends whose kids were a bit of a nightmare as little ones are being great to send me lots of realistic encouragement.

          I guess all of life is a mix of joy and suffering, excitement and mundanity. And this is just a scary new kind of all of those things! *laugh/sob*

  89. Gaia*

    Okay I’m posting here because I’m hoping someone can lead me to some ideas or maybe has experienced something similar because my doctors are stumped.

    About once or twice a year, every year, for the last 5+ years I experience what I can best describe as an inability to complete deep breaths. It isn’t really shortness of breath because I can take shallow breaths and, really, I’m getting plenty of oxygen (my oxygen sat rates are 97 – 98 which is normal for me). It doesn’t happen all the time during these periods but every 5 or so minutes I feel as if I get stuck in a yawn and there is a sense of lacking satisfaction from the breath and so I struggle and struggle until I can get a full, deep breath…and then I’m fine.

    Inhalers don’t help. It isn’t anxiety (although it does make me anxious), the only thing that allows any minimal relief is laying flat on my back or bending at a 90 degree at my waist. I’ve had chest xrays, I’ve had cardio workups, we’ve done d-dimers to look for clots.

    It is happening again and the doctor said it is maybe bronchitis because I happen to also have a fever and a cough but that is the first time we’ve seen those together so I’m not convinced (plus he gave me antibiotics for “bronchitis” which was just irritating).

    Any ideas? Anyone dealt with something similar? It is hard to do testing because I have to catch it when it is happening and it is very unpredictable. Sometimes it lasts a day or two, sometimes it stays for weeks.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Yep! Exact symptoms — stuck in a yawn, struggle to fill my lungs up all the way, etc. Mine is allergy-induced and/or general irritation and inflammation. It reliably happens on and after July 4 (fireworks do not agree with my lungs), but then at odd points at other times. July in general is pretty terrible. Benadryl helps, Primatene helps, the two together help a LOT.

      1. Gaia*

        Ok this is interesting to me because one thing I have found is that a change of environment (radical change, like flying to a new city) has helped twice but I thought it was a coincidence. And this time came right after a trip to a city in which I stayed in a house I’m fairly sure has mold – for which I have a mild allergy.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yep, mold is a mild trigger for me as well. Can you think back to other times and maybe nail down some potential environmental triggers? New carpet, remodeling in general, construction or demolition nearby?

          1. Gaia*

            No, but it does often happen in the summer and I live in an area that is infamous for environmental allergies. While I don’t really experience much of that perhaps this is one that I never considered?

  90. I AM FURIOUS!!*

    Regular poster, but need to be anon for now and I AM FURIOUS!

    I’ve been noticing some odd charges on my credit cards for the past few months. I’ve been really distracted by family issues, and my loser husband has taken advantage of that distraction. He’s been using my credit cards at our local gas station/convenience store to not only buy gas (which is allowed) but to reload a gift card for that chain and then buy scratch off lottery tickets. There were about $400 extra gas charges in just the past 4 or 5 weeks! I called the customer service line for the gas station/store chain and talked to the manager at the location in question. No doubt it’s him, she actually remembers him reloading a gift card using a credit card at the credit card gadget at the store (you don’t have to hand the card over to use it, just put the chip in the gadget in front of the cash register) and then buying piles of scratch off lottery tickets.

    Backstory – he works when he feels like it, spends most of his time laying on the couch watching Netflix, and had a pretty severe gambling problem 15+ years ago, which he claimed was under control. He did the Gambler’s Anon thing (a waste of time, IMO), and pleaded for forgiveness. Other issues have come up over the years, and I wanted to file for divorce, but found out since we’ve been married so long I’d be on the hook for spousal support and alimony! In my state it can be 40% of the difference between your income and spouse’s income, which in my case works out to – you guessed it – usually 40% because he refuses to work or even get any training to have a decent job. His full time job is sponging off of me.

    Well, not this time. This is fraud. My first inclination is to slam him the moment he walks in the door. I’m not going to do that. He’s on video tape stealing my money. And yes, it’s my money because he is not on any of my accounts due to the gambling problems from before. I am going to call each credit card company and ask them if they can restrict the card to ask for ID. I will leave the cards in my wallet, and wait for him to try to use them again.

    Plus, my attorney certainly could do something with this, right? Why should I have to continue to live with a man I have no relationship with, past I pay all the bills and he steals from me? It’s not fair. I’ve been miserable for years and I want this to end. I want him gone from my life. Hell, I want to live what’s left of my life in peace.

    What a fucking asshole.

    1. Gaia*

      Honestly, I think you need to tell him he is no longer allowed to use your cards and if he needs money he needs to ask for it and you’ll give him cash. This is outrageous. I am sorry you are in this situation. You should discuss with your attorney, however. They may have ideas.

      Finally, just because you cannot divorce does not mean you need to continue living together. But be wary – if he racks up debts you may be on the hook, as well. Discuss any changes with a lawyer.

      1. I AM FURIOUS!!*

        After the last mess, we don’t share any accounts. He can’t be trusted. He is very convincing, though, as addicts usually are, about how he has changed, he can be trusted, he’ll never do that again (lottery tickets and gambling) because he knows he was wrong, I should forgive him, etc. I subscribe to the Ronald Reagan theology: trust but verify. He’s probably been hiding this very well for a long time, but got greedy and I noticed the extra charges.

        I hope addiction is grounds for divorce. Hopefully I can use this against him so I don’t have to bankrupt myself to get rid of him.

    2. fposte*

      Definitely talk to a lawyer. Have you considered making a police report? That gives you more leverage with the CC companies, for one thing.

      1. Paul*

        If it’s a community property state, it wasn’t a crime. It’s shitty, but not illegal.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, interesting. Well, all the more reason to get the divorce in gear, then, because it can cost you an awful lot in the mean time.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I think you need to ask your lawyer this … but also, are you sure that living with someone you are miserable with is worth whatever amount of money it’s saving you in alimony? In very stark terms, have you decided that it’s worth $X to you to stay in an unhappy relationship for the rest of your life (or however long you think you’ll stay with him)? I’m not judging — maybe it is! But I hope you’ve done the calculation that starkly.

      1. I AM FURIOUS!!*

        I went to an attorney for a consultation and paid a deposit for future visits. Unfortunately, I don’t make a lot of money. I do work full time, and have employer sponsored health insurance (which he is covered under) and even if I didn’t have to cover him any longer, if I have to pay alimony, I wouldn’t even to be able to afford a cheap apartment and keep a car on the road. It simply can’t be done. I don’t have anyone I can just move in with, and it’s such a mess. We have a tiny house, it’s paid for, but not really worth anything because it’s basically the size of a small cabin, very old, and not in great shape. Its only real worth is that it is a cheap roof overhead. What a mess.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          A judge isn’t going to order you to pay alimony that would make it impossible for you to live. I’d talk to another lawyer if yours is telling you that you don’t have other options.

          1. I AM FURIOUS!!*

            You’re right. I’m going to call my attorney tomorrow and make an appointment. Enough is enough. And if I have to get another attorney, I will. For the time being, I hid my credit cards, and left my debit card in my wallet with a post it note on it. It basically says, Hey A-Hole, don’t even THINK about using this to buy lottery tickets.

            1. fposte*

              I would never leave my wallet alone with him in the first place. A note isn’t going to stop him.

              1. I AM FURIOUS!!*

                I know, fposte, but I don’t carry it with me all the time, I mean, when I go for a walk in the evening I leave it in my purse. And when I’m sleeping, it’s in my purse. I took the cards out of it and hid them. I even called one of the card companies to see if they could flag the card that when it’s used at the point of sale gadget, so they’d have to ask for ID, and Chase said they couldn’t do that. I am going to ask the other companies, though. The convenience store chain CSR verified the times of the transactions and what was purchased on each one for me, and the store’s manager confirmed it was him doing it. The times were when I was at work, or on my evening walk, or sleeping.

                The note was to let him know that I know what he’s doing if he snoops in my wallet looking for a credit card to use.

                1. Dienna Howard*

                  Don’t even bait him like that with sticky notes. Hard as it is, don’t stoop to his level. If you choose to divorce him you want to get out of this marriage on the highest note as possible.

                2. Observer*

                  Get a locked box and put ANYTHING of value – your jewelry, if you have any, your purse and wallet, your documents, anything else important to you, in there. And keep the key with you – wear it, if you need to.

                3. E*

                  Not sure if it’s a path you want to take, but could you press fraud charges against him, with either the police or credit card company? His name wasn’t on the cards/accounts so he stole the money. I think it would be the same as if anyone not you took your card to the store and used it.

            3. Sam Foster*

              I’ve had several acquaintances share that they avoided alimony through some form of lump sum arrangement. One took on the other person’s debts, another paid off their car, the third was able to liquidate some retirement savings. All viewed the short term pain as more tolerable than the longer term drag of “alimony forever.”

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Agreeing with Alison. And I can’t see the judge telling you to make up the difference IF your husband is refusing to work a regular job. I don’t think he gets to say, “Judge, I don’t feel like working so I have to get alimony.”

            1. Merci Dee*

              I was coming here to say this. Spousal support is generally intended to be a supplement to the income that the lower-earning spouse makes, and not to be a replacement for working and earning a wage. If your husband has the ability to work but just doesn’t feel like it, many judges would take a dim view of this, taken with the gambling addiction. We could argue the cultural “norms” that goes into such a decision, but many courts still have a bias against men who refuse to work and let women kill themselves to keep a roof over heads and food in mouths. Might not hurt to use this to your advantage, if possible.

      2. Artemesia*

        This plus usually spousal support is not indefinite. I’d sure be pushing the lawyer for a plan on this. What a nightmare.

    4. Kristen*

      I’m very sorry you’re going through this. Although, I recognize alimony can serve a pretty important purpose, it seems like it can also be a cruel joke in some cases. I hope your lawyer can help you out with this so you can be protected in the event of a divorce. I wish you well and hope you find peace and happiness away from this person.

    5. What's in a name*

      Not knowing your state and the laws in Pennsylvania they would probably assume a minimum wage that your husband could work. (assuming there are no disability that would limit him). So you would not be giving up a full 40%. Also there would likely be a time limit.
      You should really consider filing charges for fraud.

    6. Notthemomma*

      I worked in credit cards- you cannot restrict cards to have someone show ID; and no, writing that on the card does nothing. when you call, you should close those accounts and get new numbers. Personally, suggest have all financial mail go to a PO Box and put a fraud alert on all credit bureaus.

  91. CAA*

    I was just recycling the Amazon box that came yesterday and found this printed on the flap:

    TIME MACHINE
    Assembly Instructions:
    1) Place box on the floor
    2) Carefully place time traveller in box
    3) Warp noises

    I don’t know how long they’ve been doing this, but it made me smile.

  92. Mom of twins*

    I’m a semi-regular here but I’m posting this anonymously. I could really use some advice and feedback from people who don’t know me and aren’t invested in the situation.

    My husband and I are both 41. We have been together for 12 years and married for 7 years. We always imagine we would be childless and when we were together we took precautions to prevent pregnancy. Then we took a trip for our 5th wedding anniversary where we were a bit lax with protection. Despite me being 39 and having never tried to get pregnant or have fertility treatments I ended up pregnant with twins. We had always imagined ourselves as childless and never thought about having kids but neither of us could imagine ending the pregnancy either.

    I gave birth just after I turned 40. Our sons are 14 months old now. We made lots of changes, we moved out of the city back to the ‘burbs to be close to both of our families and I took a job where I only work part time from home. My husband took a job with a less commute and we traded the compact car we shared and bought two bigger vehicles to accommodate our growing family.

    Why I’m posting is because although we aren’t living downtown in a condo any more, we are less than a hour away from our friend group. They are either single people or childless by choice couples. I am feeling left out since the twins were born and I know my husband does too. They aren’t interested in doing anything that involves children. We still keep in touch although not as much as we used too. All the things they do in groups or that our friends used to invite us to are not conducive to children (wining tastings with no underage people allowed, the symphony, cruises with no people under 18 allowed, movies at the 21+ theater in our city etc.). They are not being rude or outright hostile and I know they are allowed to live their lives and be childless by choice.

    Some of these people we have individually been friends with since university or when we were single and others are mutual friends since we have been a couple or married. The only people we know here in the ‘burbs around our age are our cousins or siblings.

    Don’t get me wrong, we both love our sons and wouldn’t trade them for anything. I can’t imagine my life without them. I love them so much and love being a mom. Both like 99% of my husband’s and my family live within an hour of us and they have been great and supportive. My husband is an attentive dad and both sets of grandparents and my husband have been great to make sure I get time to myself since I am home all the time and everyone in our families have been nothing but encouraging to us. Our siblings and cousins have been great because they have kids and they invite us out to their houses or whatever either separately or together so we can get out of the house. But I still miss my friends and I know my husband does too, even though they haven’t done anything wrong or slighted us on purpose. We are slowing making new friends in the neighborhood but they all have kids like us and don’t do they things we did in our old life. Our old friends don’t want to hear about our kids and while it hurts I logically understand they are not interested and it’s annoying when they are all my husband and I talk about. Even the people at my husband’s work all have kids.

    Just venting and also would be interested to hear from others who were the only people in their friend group to have kids. Thanks.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Carolyn Hax has written about this some, on the subject of how hard it is to make friends post-college, and how incredibly neighborhood-dependent it can be–that one neighborhood you can’t seem to dent any existing social circles, and in another you have several invitations right off and it’s easy to form a friend group, and how incredibly hard it is while looking for a house to judge how the whole neighborhood is going to work out. (I realize “move to the right neighborhood” is unhelpful, just want to observe how both common and hard to jiujitsu this is.)

      The default for parents in your situation is often through their kids, and your sons are a bit young for most of that. (Minus the luck of the draw of the chattiness at the neighborhood playground.) But in time, it is normal to chat with the other parents at karate or gymnastics. In a year or two, if you can find a preschool that fits your hours–e.g. if you’re home with them most of the time, then it’s mornings only rather than offering 12 hour options. My son’s first daycare covered part- and full-time, which meant that in practice many of his buddies were on a different schedule. That closed and we switched to a co op, and arranging to meet outside of school hours was miles easier.

    2. Gaia*

      I can only give my perspective as someone who is childless by choice and has both childless and childful (?) friends. I am willing to occasionally do things that involve children briefly but my friend with children also need to be willing to do things that don’t involve children. They get childcare and we go do something fun. Those that can’t or don’t simply aren’t in my circle any longer because it doesn’t make sense to keep connected.

    3. Observer*

      Find a good baby sitter. You’re probably not going to be able to do that every time your group wants to get together, but it will mean that you get to go with your group some times. Also, alternate. So, one time you get to go to something with your friends, and sometimes your husband gets to go.

    4. self employed*

      I feel like it’s kind of crappy. It’s one thing to naturally drift apart, in a “hey, our lives are functionally different and less compatible” way. But this feels more like “you’re not one of us anymore.” I mean, if you suddenly took up Crossfit and they weren’t into it, would you also be cold-shouldered like this? It sounds like they value their child-free status more than their relationship with you as a person. I hope I’m misreading because that really stinks. I’m sorry.

      1. Colette*

        Well, it sounds like they’re continuing to do the things they’ve always done, which isn’t a horrible thing to do. And I think the onus is largely on the person whose life changed to make an effort – invite them to do things that work with the kids, get a sitter and go to an event, etc.

      2. all aboard the anon train*

        This might be the issue, but the “you’re not one of us anymore” situation often happens when one person is child free and everyone else in the friend group isn’t, as well. Or when one person is married and everyone else is single and vice versa. Life changes are really different than one person having a different hobby than the rest of a friend group.

        They seem to be doing things they’ve always done and Mom of twins can no longer do. They’re no more at fault for that than if Mom of twins was the only child free person and wasn’t interested in hanging out with a group of friends only doing kid related activities. It’s not fair for one person to assume an entire group will change to accommodate their new lifestyle (and that doesn’t appear to be what Mom of twins is doing, so this is more of a general statement).

      3. Gaia*

        It is not terrible to not want to spend time with children when you’ve chosen to not make children a part of your life.

    5. all aboard the anon train*

      I’m coming from this from the opposite angle, where I was the only single, child-free person in a group of marrieds with kids. And I felt similar to you. Everyone wanted to do kid-friendly things and I had no interest in any of that. It sucks, but it’s a natural part of life when one person is on a different life path from everyone else.

      I do have a few friends where we try and make it a two way street. I care about them enough that I’ll suck it up and listen about their kids and spouses and go to kid friendly events as long as they make the effort to hang out at a kid and spouse free event. Is there a way you guys can have someone watch your kids for a night and go hang with your friends? Could you make this a monthly thing so you feel less left out? I know some of my friends with kids have admitted that they really look forward to a monthly night where everyone can get together without kids and do things like wine tastings or the ballet or something.

      Also, have your friends outright stopped asking you to do these events once you had kids? I admit that when my friends first started having kids, I was uncomfortable asking them to go to events that were adult only because I thought I would be overstepping or that they wouldn’t be interested in that anymore. And some of them just assumed I wouldn’t want to hang out anymore once they had kids (and my caveat is that I don’t mind hearing about a friend’s kids, but if that’s ALL they’re talking about, it gets old really quick).

    6. Anonymous Educator*

      I think you’re experiencing the other side of what my spouse and I are experiencing more and more these days as our previously childfree friends are having kids. Our priorities and lifestyles are different, so getting together becomes more difficult and less frequent.

      I’d recommend staying in touch, seeing them as often as you can (which may be only once a year), and then making some new child-full friends in the meantime. When your twins are older, you may find yourself reconnecting a bit more with your old university friends again.

    7. Carpe Librarium*

      Can you set up a thing where you invite a small number of your friends to your house for dinner and a Netflix movie once a month (2nd Saturday of each month or something), changing the invitees each time and cycling through your friends?

      The kiddos eat at 5:30-6pm and the adults eat at 7:30 or 8 after the younglings are in bed.
      Could just be pizza and wine.
      No need for babysitters, simply a low-stakes chance to catch up and talk about whatever is going on in each other’s lives and what unexpected thing a coworker did last week.

      Also, you could set up a regular thing where you catch up with friends by yourself one evening a month/every couple of months while husband minds the twins, and you mind the kids while husband goes out the next month.

      Perhaps once every now and then you prey on the doting grandparents and have them sit for you for an afternoon/evening so you and husband can see your friends kid-free together.

      The twins are likely getting to an age where they are less dependent on your presence as an almost-constant source of food (in whatever way you do that) so your flexibility will be increasing.
      It all depends on what you and husband and kids are okay with, though.

  93. Michaela*

    Just booked an airport shuttle for my upcoming vacation, super excited, and then tried to get the $20 rebate offered in the confirmation email. NOPE THAT’S A SCAM. :(

  94. Mallory Janis Ian*

    Y’all, I just finished mowing a labyrinth into my backyard grass. It finishes in a little circular seating area under the peach tree. My son and I have each walked it several times, and it works! I made one minor mowing mistake, which we fixed by placing a little line of dried grass to make a path ending that I’d accidentally mowed through.

    I’ve been going to the labyrinth at the local hospital to do my meditative walking, and now I can do it right in the back yard. I hope my husband doesn’t hate it too much when he comes home from work this evening.

    1. Beth Anne*

      That’s awesome! I LOVE praying through a labyrinth. I actually blogged about it last month. It’s really helpful for me to move and pray due to ADD. I’ve always wanted to create some kind of meditative garden/prayer garden in my backyard.

    2. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Ha. Husband came home this evening and I said, “Did you see what I did in the back yard?”

      “Yep.”

      “Are you mad?”

      “Mad? No, I’m not mad; if it makes you happy to make ‘crop circles’ in the back yard, that’s fine with me.”

      Crop circles! :-) I’ve been smiling ever since. He always did make me laugh.

  95. Beth Anne*

    It’s so hard to shop for my husband because we rarely shop alone. He always wants to go places with me lol which is fine…but annoying when I want to attempt to surprise him. Thank god for amazon and my PO BOX that he can’t check so I can attempt to surprise him.

    I just ordered him some pickle pops as a sort of serious and funny gift because he LOVES pickles and pickle pops and is always saying he wants to try them. I hope they are as good as the reviews say.

  96. KR*

    My interesting news for the week is I got a new phone! I made the jump from a Droid Turbo first generation to a Galaxy S7 and so far I like it.

    2. Observer*

      That’s a big jump! And it’s going to look different in a lot of ways. But, it’s a really good phone. Enjoy!

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