weekend free-for-all – July 22-23, 2017 by Alison Green on July 22, 2017 This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.) Book recommendation of the week: The Boy Who Loved Too Much: A True Story of Pathological Friendliness, by Jennifer Latson. I read this after reading this fascinating write-up in NYMag about Williams syndrome, also known as “cocktail party syndrome,” which makes people incredibly outgoing, extroverted, and trusting (as well as causing intellectual disabilities, physical problems, and musical and story-telling talents). * I make a commission if you use that Amazon link. You may also like:all my 2016 book recommendationsall my 2015 book recommendationsmy boss wants to secretly recruit my coworkers and me into a money-making scheme { 1,309 comments }
belle* July 22, 2017 at 9:46 am Friends! I’m moving to New Hampshire (Manchester) for work, from the south. Tips on surviving winters? Fun day trips around New England? What’s the best coat? mittens or gloves? Share your New England knowledge with this newbie….
Me2* July 22, 2017 at 10:13 am Strawbery Banke (no, neither one is a typo) in Portsmouth is a fascinating “living” museum, you can easily spend a day here. Portsmouth in general is very charming.
KR* July 22, 2017 at 2:45 pm I agree to this – Dover, Newmarket, and Exeter are also nice towns to walk around in and Very historic. There’s an original copy of the declaration of independence in Exeter. I lived in Portsmouth for two years and grew up in the seacoast area. Portsmouth has some great bars, restaurants, local breweries, and public events. There is only something like 18 miles of coast in NH. A drive up the coast is worth it – take it from Seabrook beach, catch 1A, and drice through Hampton Beach (which is the most popular beach in NH) and up through Rye and North Hampton. It’s a super pretty drive. For the winters, it really depends on what coat you prefer but I wore a Carrhart and I found it very effective in dealing with the cold. It kept me warm, held up to the wind, I didn’t mind if it got covered with salt (as everything does evenutally in New England), and it held up to wind. Gloves are a must in the coldest part of the winter (December to February) though there’s a good chance come February you will be desensitized to the cold and the first day it’s 40° you’ll want to wear short sleeves out. If your car is very light you may have to put weight or sand in the back for the snow and keep kitty litter in the back in case you get stuck. I would recommend keeping a small shovel and a snow brush in your car. Manchester is the biggest city in NH, so it gets more crime. It’s not a bad or terribly dangerous area though in the grand scope of things. Rochester is an area with a reputation but same thing, it’s just somewhere that has had a lot of issues with addiction in recent years. Living in the Manchester area I honestly don’t think you’ll have a reason to go to Rochester anyway – it’s definitely out of the way. You’ll hear a lot about the opioid crisis – there are a lot of problems in NH right now with addiction and overdosing – something to be aware of since it’s all over the news and many people have been affected by it. In Manchester, I would recommend the Red Arrow Diner. It’s one of the only restaurants in NH that’s open 24hrs and it is GOOD. My favorite is the Queen Dinahs Breakfast. Dos Amigos is a American-Mexican local chain that is also super good – there’s locations in Portsmouth, Dover, Rochester, Concord, and Manchester. The nice thing about NH is that everything is close by. The White Mountains are beautiful and I love them. If you like hiking at all I would check them out because there’s some very manageable day hike mountains there. They are also pretty to just take a day driving up there and stopping to check out the sites (very assessible from Manchester, just take 93). Check out driving the Kangamangus Highway. NH’s tallest mountain, Washington, has an auto road you can drive up in your car in good weather (though make sure your breaks are in good shape for the down trip). There is also a lot of skiing and snowboarding and general winter in the Northern part of the state. Pawtuckaway state park is very near you and also has a small lake beach, good hiking trails and nature walks, ect. I don’t do winter sports but I loved taking drives up to the mountains in all seasons since almost all in NH there are amazing – curvy and pretty. Basically I grew up close to there and I could rant forever about how awesome it is. Happy to answer individual questions. Warning: if you’re not in Manchester, apartment housing is expensive and hard to get.
Red Arrow Diner* July 23, 2017 at 9:50 pm Portsmouth is not Manchester. Portsmouth is charming. Manchester is gritty.
Mischa* July 22, 2017 at 10:15 am Not from New England, but from the midwest where it gets freezing cold, icy and snowy in the winter. I have a pair of knock-off LL Bean boots for snow/slushy weather. I love them. If it’s cold and very windy, I wear a two phase jacket from the North Face. Basically it’s an outer waterproof shell with a fuzzy inner shell. On their own, they’re not incredibly warm, but together? Fabulous. Gotten me through some negative zero weather without feeling cold. If it’s not windy I go for my wool peacoat from Land’s End. The higher the wool percentage, the warmer, IMO. I’ve had my North Face for about 8 years and the peacoat for about 5. Paying more was definitely worth it in this case, though REI usually has some great sales.
Emmie* July 22, 2017 at 11:41 am I second a heavy coat. I had a long North face and a long LL Bean down coat. I liked the LL Bean one better because it has an internal cord around the waist, and it goes on sale for half off. a day or two around Christmas. You’ll be shocked at the number of jackets you’ll want – lightweight early fall, moderate weight late fall, winter 30 degrees wool pea coat, and then the down coat. I also added a ski jacket for the gym. But I was pretty cold weather adverse. Also, remote start on your car is a life saver!
Mischa* July 22, 2017 at 8:48 pm Remote start sounds wonderful! I love running in the cold so I also have a 20 degree (F) rated running jacket thing. Plus, I discovered how amazing wool is beyond peacoats. I love my wool socks and wool neck gaiter. The gaiter isn’t the most attractive or fashionable thing but man it will keep you cozy, whether you’re being active or not.
Warm Coat* July 22, 2017 at 10:25 am I’m from the north east and now live in the mid west, and the best coat I’ve had is a knee length down (or down substitute? I can’t remember because I bought it 6 years ago…) filled Columbia coat with a hood. The key here is that the inside is lined with a silver heat reflective material, so it’s able to be very warm and still slim – not like the super puffy Michelin man type jackets! I’ve walked to work in Chicago by the lake in the winter and gotten hot in this coat!
Me2* July 22, 2017 at 10:33 am Sec0nding the Columbia brand with the silver lining, my lightweight puffy one (Omni-Shield) keeps me toasty warm on the coldest days.
Kristen* July 22, 2017 at 5:36 pm I like Columbia jackets (have owned 4 or so since my early twenties), but I keep having zipper problems with them. My new jacket is from The North Face and I like it so far. Look for jackets that have a nice liner and are waterproof (Goretex is recommended, but usually raises the price). I’m from MN, so I know a bit about winter. A few years ago I bought boots by Baffin (a Canadian brand that also knows a bit about winter) after finding a website that prepares people for trips to Antarctica recommended the brand. It’s difficult finding good reviews of winter gear when you’re from a very cold place (the reviews by people where the lowest temps they see are closer to 30 F than -15 F aren’t exactly helpful). I’ve been pretty satisfied so far with the boots (the fit is the only thing I’d complain about). I like having two pairs of mittens. I like cute, knit mittens for everyday use (something with a soft liner, because I think wind would chill your hands otherwise with just the knitting). I also like having waterproof mittens for shoveling and removing snow from my car. Speaking of snow on the car: if you don’t already have a snow brush, get one early (before the forecast calls for snow) and put it in your car right away. Just when you think you won’t need it, a blizzard will come while you’re at work and you’ll wish you listened to me. Haha. And keep it in your car until June (if you remove it at all). If you’re not used to driving in the snow, remember accelerate slowly, turn slowly, drive slowly. The goal is to keep traction with the road. This is true even when you have a 4-wheel drive vehicle. There’s nothing like being passed by a big 4-wheel drive truck and driving by them a few minutes later after they’ve gone in the ditch. Lastly, I hold this belief that it’s important to find things to do outside in the winter. Staying inside all winter is pretty depressing in my opinion. Winter mostly sucks, but there’s nothing like the calmness of winter either.
Ruthie Rather Not* July 22, 2017 at 10:28 am This may sound silly, but when you are cold, put on warm things like gloves, hat, scarf, etc. So many people are worried about looking silly, so they won’t wear them and then complain about the cold! There are so many cute options, there is no excuse for not wearing warm outerwear!
Lexie Madison* July 22, 2017 at 10:43 am (I’m not using my regular name for this one since I literally grew up next to Manchester) Manchester is a pretty great little city! It’s only an hour from Boston for when you want some city time, and also about an hour from the beach, mountains and lakes. The first winter might be rough, I’d recommend fleece-lined hats and gloves/mittens (unlined are useless in the wind) along with scarves and a warm water proof jacket! Also it’s not uncommon to lose power during snow storms, sometimes for days, so always be prepared with non-perishable food and water! If you have any Manchester specific questions ask away! Like I said, I lived in an adjacent town my entire childhood, went to high school in the city, and my parents still live there.
Bea W* July 22, 2017 at 11:23 am That reminds me! Don’t forget to keep a store of batteries, flashlights, and candles! Have a battery powered radio and fully charged power packs for your phone. I have a couple battery powered lanterns. They are easier to use and safer than candles and hurricane lamps. For extended periods without power, you can move some of your perishable foods outside in box/cooler to avoid losing them. Keep extra blankets handy as well. It will get cold af without power for heat. If you do not have gas cooking, you can warm things over a can of sterno or cook outside if you have a grill, not in the middle of a storm obviously but afterwards, while you wait for power to come back. If you have gas cooking and need morning coffee, get one of those one-cup coffee brewer things where you can pour hot water over coffee right into your mug. Life saving!
Bea W* July 22, 2017 at 11:12 am If you are taking your car, which is also from the south, make sure you have a set of good all-season tires and a battery that can handle freezing temperatures. These are the main issues my southern transplant friends have run into, having “summer tires” (This is a thing apparently. I assumed all tires made now were all-season!) and a battery that had to be jumped more often than not. You don’t need special snow tires or anything. Regular all-season tires are fine for Manchester. The northern states know how to treat and clear roads when it snows and have the equipment to get it done within hours. You will have to learn how to drive in winter conditions. The best advice overall is be cautious and steady, go as slowly as you feel comfortable going even when idiots around you are flying down the road. Approach turns slowly. If you skid (most likely when turning), steer gently in the direction you want to go. Do not jerk the wheel or make a hard turn. You will make it worse. Always give yourself extra distance to stop, and know what kind of brakes you have. This changes how you operate them in case of skidding or having to come to a quick stop on slick roads. If you have anti-lock brakes, you want to keep your foot on them as normal. Do not pump anti-lock brakes. The ABS does the pumping for you. You should only pump the brakes if you do not have ABS. Invest in a couple of good ice scrapers for your car and a snow brush with a telescoping handle. You will use the scrapers all the time, even if it is not snowing. Morning window frost is common. Keep a small shovel and a bag of kitty litter in your car. The kitty litter can be sprinkled by the wheels to give you traction if you find yourself stuck. The shovel is handy if you end up in a snow bank or otherwise have to remove snow from around the tires to give yourself a fighting chance. For the lovagawd clear the snow off your car completely, especially the ROOF. If it does not fly off the back and hit the car behind you, it will slide down in a huge chunk on your windshield and completely block your view. Clearing snow off your hood with prevent it from flying up on your windshield. Snow shovels, buy more than one, early in the season when they are in stock. Same for ice melt if you need to put it down yourself, and I will recommend having a bag on hand if you have someone doing the clearing for you. You might need to get down some stairs at your place before anyone has a chance to treat them. DO NOT wait until there’s a nor’easter headed up the coast because there’s a predictable panic run on shovels and ice melt. (Don’t ask me why! It’s a mystery!) After that you will be SOL. The same goes for groceries and gas. Never run so low on essentials that you’re forced to go to the store or a gas station right before a big storm. It’s a huge PIA. Yes, you need a shovel even if your landlord clears the snow for you. You will probably have to dig our your car, and you might want to leave your house before the landlord as a chance to dig out Invest in good practical, waterproof, warm boots. They should really come up past your ankles and you should feel comfortable and stable walking in them. Carry your regular/dress shoes to change into at work. I leave a pair of shoes at work also because I will forget to bring them with me. For icy walking conditions I love Yaktrax which slip over your shoes and give you traction on ice. If you have to walk much anywhere (I commute by walking/public transit) these are awesome! You will be warned about frost/freeze warnings as part of the weather forecast only once in the season, and that is when it happens for the first time. After that, it’s assumed to be a normal thing. In the fall (Late Sept/Oct) get out and see the leaves! Drive to the white mountains, enjoy some crisp fall air and hiking if that’s your thing. I keep a variety of hats/gloves/mittens/coats. You’ll want at least lighter lined jacket for fall and warmer winter days and a full on winter coat (hood recommended) for when the winter temps kick in. I have ski/snow sport type gloves and also mittens for shoveling snow and clearing my car so my hands stay dry. I have a couple pairs of warm mittens for super cold temps. I like mittens are better for going out in teens and sub-zero weather because your fingers will help keep each other warm. Do buy a few hats and scarves. I am chronically losing these things (and gloves!) or leaving them behind. I recommend always having a back-up, even if it’s some cheap extras to keep around specifically for this purpose. I find the combination of a hood pulled over a hat is the warmest for super cold (way below freezing) and windy days. If you have any need to check your phone outside in the cold, get gloves that work with touch screen or mittens that flip open. I do check my phone for bus and train tracking and alerts (and alternative routes) while I am out. If you are driving everywhere you might not find this essential. If you have ever wanted to try skiing, ice skating, snow tubing, etc NH has lots of great ski areas within a short drive. There will also be plenty of ice rinks locally. You can rent whatever equipment you need. In the summer for swimming and water fun, there are lots of lake beaches and resort areas, Lake Winnipesaukee being the largest and probably most well known vacation area, but tons of smaller lakes. Check out the “lakes region” just a bit north of you. A bit further north you have the White Mountains. New England states are small, and you can pretty much day trip to all of them from Manchester. You are also a short drive from Quebec. It is very easy to take a weekend road trip to Canada. Montreal is a popular weekend ski trip destination in the winter. The coast of Maine is beautiful and you can also visit Nova Scotia and New Brunswick by ferry. Other random things: Hot drinks – tea, hot chocolate, coffee, hot apple cider – soooo good when you come in from the cold! My nose runs like a leaky faucet in the cold weather. I bring tissue everywhere. Ice cream and iced coffee are year round foods.
Yzma, Put Your Hands In The Air!* July 22, 2017 at 3:09 pm I second the extra tissues (and extra cold-weather accessories)! Everyone I know has this problem, with a runny nose from the cold. Even if you haven’t had this issue in the past, bring some for your first winter, just in case! It’s awful when you’ve just arrived someplace new and you have a runny nose and nothing to do about it. If you are prone to being cold anyway, I’d also recommend buying some thermal layering clothes, if you don’t have any. Something like long underwear (Under Armor is the most notable brand that comes to mind), where you can wear the thermal shirt under a sweater or something. I’d suggest planning to wear multiple layers until you get to a comfortable place with your temperature; that way, if you do get too warm inside, you can always take a layer off and still be legal
Kristen* July 22, 2017 at 5:53 pm I think you provided excellent advice, especially about driving. I forgot to mention in my post above the importance of braking early and slowly and knowing what type of brakes you have. Btw, is it weird that I miss my car without ABS brakes? The pulsating of ABS brakes freaks me out and I feel like I was better without it. Haha. In drivers training, I learned the squeeze method of braking (also called threshold braking apparently; done without ABS brakes) and became pretty good at it. Like Bea W. said, remove ALL of the snow from your car. Clear every window of snow and ice as well. Don’t be lazy about this.
Artemesia* July 22, 2017 at 6:08 pm Two things you can buy with hand cranks — crank flashlight and crank radio. That way your car flashlight isn’t always out of batteries when you need it. They are not a real substitute for plug ins and battery flash lights, but when all else fails, you just crank them you have light or radio. Good waterproof and warm footwear. I have a pair of slip on Merrells that have some sort of insulation and work for me in my cold northern city unless the snow or slush is deep in which case I switch to my Merrell snow boots. If your feet are warm and dry and your hands are warm and your heat is warm i.e. good footgear, gloves and hat, you feel fine.
Emily* July 23, 2017 at 10:32 am Lots of good car advice! I would also recommend getting windshield wiper fluid that’s made specifically for cold weather. Maybe this is obvious to some people, but when I moved from North Carolina to western New York, my wiper fluid froze in the container because I didn’t realize I needed a different kind for the winter.
Yetanother Jennifer* July 22, 2017 at 11:12 am Welcome to New England! I’m in a small town further north, so some of this may not apply to the “big city.” Long underwear is going to be your friend that first fall and winter. I like tank tops from Cuddle Duds, especially the reversible ones, and I like anything silk to wear under pants. An extra underlayer will make all the difference. You’ll find better quality and true warmth technology in the sporty brands of outerwear: Columbia, Patagonia, Marmot, EMS, REI, Lands End, LL Bean… North Face is also good, but is an older status brand. Canada Goose is the current status brand, but it’s also high quality, and probably more than you need. A 3-in-one jacket with a zip out lining that can be worn on it’s own would be a handy first coat. (You’re about to own more coats than you ever thought possible.) Lightweight puffy jackets are popular. Boggs are great neoprene boots that can span the seasons and Great Storm is the just as good copycat brand. People up here also dress more casually than in the South. Lots of people look as though they’re about to go on a hike, and they often are. The best way to survive winter is to get out there. If you hibernate you’ll take longer to adjust to the cold and you won’t have as much fun. Same goes for summers, get out there and enjoy the warm sunshine when it lasts. Also, watch out for bright sunny days in the winter…those are deceptively cold because in your brain sunshine equals warm but there’s no clouds to hold in the heat.
Yzma, Put Your Hands In The Air!* July 22, 2017 at 3:12 pm Also, if driving, the glare from the sun on the snow is INTENSE! Make sure you have sunglasses.
NPG* July 23, 2017 at 7:16 am Yes, when there is a super heavy snowfall and the sun come out it was be overpowering. You might think we’re crazy, but I use my sunglasses all the time in winter. Also, I don’t know about NH, but in NY it is a ticket able offense not to clean your car off of snow and ice. I think first offense is something like $300/$350. Every year there is at least one accident when flying snow from a car caused someone to go off-road or swerve into another car. Don’t risk being that person that causes an accident.
Parenthetically* July 22, 2017 at 5:09 pm Gosh, yes to all this. Proper, waterproof, warm, lined boots and a good coat — both are WELL worth the investment of a couple hundred bucks. Target boots are useless. In really cold weather I like a longer coat — my bum gets freezing cold especially if I’m going to be sitting outside at all.
all aboard the anon train* July 22, 2017 at 11:16 am Definitely invest in a pair of L.L. Bean boots. I’ve known too many people who want cute or stylish boots and then have cold feet when they’re outside. Invest in some good wool socks, too. I have a bunch of SmartWool socks and tights and they’re my lifesaver when I’m walking to the subway. When it gets cold, no one cares what you look like so wear the warmest items you have. I layer up when I walk to work or the subway because even a few minutes outside in the wind and snow is bad. Are you moving to an apartment or buying a house? If it’s an apartment, make sure heat is included in the rent! Sometimes it’s not and if it’s an old building or one that uses oil heat it can run between $500-$800/month during winter. If you have a car, always keep some salt/dirt and an ice scraper in the car in case of snow. If you’re walking, be careful of black ice. I generally walk fast (the New England style lol), but I take extra time in winter. A normal 15 minute walk might take me 30 minutes because of the snow and ice. Snowstorms can mean losing power so always keep a charged flashlight, a lot of blankets, and some non-perishable food.
Parenthetically* July 22, 2017 at 5:11 pm This reminds me of those grippy things you can buy to strap to your shoes to provide extra traction. I’ve never used them but I feel like they’d be a good addition.
Mischa* July 22, 2017 at 8:51 pm YaxTracks! I don’t own any, but I am planning on getting a pair for icy winter runs. I’ve heard good things about them.
msroboto* July 23, 2017 at 11:19 am There is an L.L. Bean outlet north of Manchester right near Concord. There is a newer Bass Pro Shops near there as well. You might find some specialty outdoor items like gloves that are good for lower temps but might be more flexible because hey you’re still trying to fish / hunt temperature be damned.
The Other Dawn* July 22, 2017 at 11:23 am Quechee Gorge in VT; Old Sturbridge Village in Sturbridge, MA; White Mountains in NH. I haven’t done many day trips in a very long time, but those are off the top of my head. I’m in CT, but my parents lived in NH for about 20 years. My brother and one sister are there (Claremont area), as well as my niece. Since I’m now in mid-state CT, I find I need warmer winter clothes. I have a Land’s End down parka that I love for snow blowing. Very warm and cozy. I’m still searching for a pair of gloves that will actually keep my fingertips warms, so if anyone has any ideas, let me know!
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 11:45 am I like to get rag wool mittens and put them on over gloves if I have to be outside for a while. If you see people not turning their cars off when you run in to a store to get coffee or whatever, don’t shut yours off. It’s probably bitter cold and you may have difficulty restarting. (I shut my vehicle off with a minus 80 wind chill and there was no way that car would start again.) If there are warnings on the radio about bare skin, heed them. Do not attempt walking the rest of the way to work if your car fails to restart. (Yes, First hand experience. I think I got about 500 feet from my car and realized I had made a huge mistake.) If you have car trouble in a storm or in cold weather STAY with your car. It’s easier for rescues to find your car than it is to find you. (Yes, there are probably exceptions but you will know for sure if you are in a situation that is an exception.) Because winters can be tough and because some areas can be very isolated most people stop to help someone who has broken down or had a single car accident. Little things like a can of dry gas, or one of those tiny space age blankets can be very helpful. You’ll think of other things. I carry a tire inflator that runs off my car battery and a first aid kit. Overall have Plan B for everything. Car does not start, move to Plan B. Power goes out, move to Plan B, etc. Personally, I like to buy extra food staples at the beginning of winter. I set these things to one side so I don’t accidently use them up. This means I am not running to the store hours before a storm hits and dealing with crowds of people who are buying six weeks worth of food in one shopping trip.
Sparkly Librarian* July 22, 2017 at 12:54 pm Oh, I had a similar question, about Michigan, so I’ll post below. (And I’m soaking up the pertinent info here.)
Saturnalia* July 22, 2017 at 4:26 pm Yeah I just came to Boston from Utah, so I “know winter” (I’m positive I don’t actually know winter) and this is very relevant! /continues taking notes
Nathaniel* July 22, 2017 at 1:13 pm Patagonia synthetics are very useful… The R1 pants and sweater will make you super comfortable at home. They also offer several products for layering and have a great reputation.
Emmie* July 22, 2017 at 1:14 pm Practice driving in the snow. In the South, the whole city shuts down for a few inches. You’ll see 10 inches and Northern cities won’t shut down. When you move, ask about their snow removal. How fast does it get removed? What are you responsible for? It’s hardest driving in an active snowstorm. You’ll need to allow plenty of time to stop. Pump your brakes- test them out. Drive slowly.
Kristen* July 22, 2017 at 5:57 pm Not sure if anyone has mentioned it, but since you touched on it: if you’re going to park in the street, learn about the parking rules when there’s a snow emergency (snow plows are actively removing snow from roadways).
Emmie* July 22, 2017 at 6:02 pm Excellent point! Buy a good shovel too. You’ll need to shovel out your car!
OlympiasEpiriot* July 22, 2017 at 8:30 pm And make sure it fits easily in your trunk. You may need it to shovel out when you are *not* at home.
Special Snowflake* July 23, 2017 at 2:38 pm Never leave it in the trunk overnight though! Yes it’s a pain for people sitting in the backseat but having a shovel to shovel out the car does you no good if you have to first get through the 6-8 inches of snow on the top of your trunk. Car shovels should be accessed through a door you can open at all times.
Kristen* July 23, 2017 at 4:09 pm This sounds kind of silly, but what you said reminds me of something I do. Before I open the car door to start my car and grab the snow brush, I sweep snow away from around my door with my mittened hand (near the crack around the top of the door mostly) to keep a pile of snow from falling right on my car seat. Maybe this is common sense and something everyone does.. not sure.
OlympiasEpiriot* July 22, 2017 at 1:53 pm Make the trip to the LL Bean store in Maine, worth the trip. Learn to love wool, wear it (lambswool or merino) or silk against your skin in the winter, layers over that. Don’t wear cotton in winter, bulky cotton sweaters are a suckers game–they look cozy and don’t help at all. Get snow tires and have ’em put on in October, take ’em off in March or April, depending. Don’t live with all-seasons. They aren’t ALL season. Just budget for the snow tires and the changes and know they don’t last as long as regulars. If buying a place, see if you can get a blower test done on the home before buying. Insulation is more important than looks. Trust me. In the winter, you prefer a shorter driveway, trust me on this, too. Lots of people move to NH/VT thinking they want to be in the woods. The woods are great, I have lived there (am in a huge city for *my* work now) and have no trouble with the rougher aspects, but lots of people who have been neighbors to me have fallen for the ideal/fantasy when house hunting and not thought about the reality. In a perfect world, look at your prospective homes in the worst weather. Ice, glum rains, blazing hot days with a drought.
OlympiasEpiriot* July 22, 2017 at 1:58 pm PS: Don’t think a 4-wheel drive car will solve your winter or mud season troubles. I actually have never owned one. Have driven in lots of rough environments, though, just with chains on the tires. You can stick yourself EXTRA well with 4-wheel drive. If you travel up a bit towards VT, check out Farm-Way in Bradford VT for clothes and garden tools and have lunch at the Colatina in town. Or drive up 5 from there to Newbury and get lunch at the Village Store. They do good sandwiches.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 4:33 pm Agreed about 4wd vehicles. I had a well-known 4wd and when the 4wd failed, it was worse than a regular car. Even the 4wd when it was working was not that impressive. Maybe spring for studded snow tires instead. Just watch the calendar because they can be restricted use.
JulieBulie* July 22, 2017 at 2:40 pm There are open-fingered gloves that have a mitten-like “hood” that flips over the top to cover up your fingers, but then you can flip the hood back to expose your fingers to use your phone or whatever. There are also mittens where you can flip the top on and off. Highly recommended.
Sled Dog Mama* July 22, 2017 at 2:58 pm As a fellow southerner who has spent the last four winters in Cleveland I’ll echo what has been said about coats, hats, scarves and gloves. The biggest thing I had to get used to is that you must zip/button up the coat before leaving the house, none of this throwing it on and leaving it unzipped. Several companies make dressy wool socks, get some, wool socks are amazing. I’m currently in love with Darn Tough (made in Vermont) but Ibex, and Smartwool also make good socks. In addition to all-season tires for your car remember that you are going to need to wash it in the winter (otherwise the salt, sand and road treatment chemicals will build up and can damage the paint) so be on the alert for which car washes have an undercarriage wash included and which are heated, and consider doing an under coating on your vehicle to provide some extra protection.
Former NH resident* July 22, 2017 at 3:31 pm I lived in Lincoln, NH for several years, up in the White Mountains, and loved it. Check out the Kancamagus Highway between Lincoln and North Conway for a beautiful scenic drive. Great all year but especially in the fall (although much more crowded then too). There are so many scenic drives up in the White Mountains, especially through the notches – my favorite was Franconia Notch between Lincoln and Littleton. The Mount Washington Auto Road is well worth doing, in my opinion. And if you don’t mind either a very long day or an overnight trip, head to the area in the very northern part of the state called Moose Alley, on route 3 from north of Pittsburg to the Canadian border – it’s as close to a guarantee as you’ll get to see moose if you go in the right season – I used to head up there yearly and once saw eight in an evening. Enjoy, I really miss living in New Hampshire.
Belle di Vedremo* July 22, 2017 at 5:30 pm Lucky you! NH is gorgeous. You’ve got lots of good advice already, so I’ll add mostly warm/outdoor gear thoughts. Surviving winter climate: First, if you tell people there you’ve just moved up from the south you’ll get sympathy and some combination of accommodation and advice. It will help a lot to be moving this summer so you have the fall to begin adjusting. You can expect to be cold this year, as you adjust, it won’t be as bad the next. Generally folks in New England keep their homes & work places cooler in the winter than folks do in the south. You’ll figure out what you need to be comfortable where over time. And winter will seem to go on and on and on… spring comes much earlier in the south, and even having grown up in the northeast it was a shock to have to wait so long for spring after years in the mid south. You’ll be amazed at what temps feel “warm” by early spring. Layers. Layers are essential – with the caveat that you’ll likely want to be able to remove some indoors, so don’t rely solely on long underwear and tights. Eg, leg warmers have sorta come back into style/use, and you’ll want some. Wool, silk, and “technical” fibers are your friend, barring any allergies. Acrylic and even fleece won’t keep you as warm. Down coat for the coldest days, and probably a down comforter for your bed. Jackets and coats: partly it’s a question of preference, and partly a question of your cold tolerance. Second hand shops are a great resource, and are very common in New England. Start there, and see what works best for you at less than full retail prices. You can get Gore-tex and similar shells at second hand shops for great prices if you time it right; those are water proof and breathable, and a little bit warm. Get one big enough to wear over a sweater. New they are very pricey. You’ll want a coat or jacket for temps in the 40s-50s, especially if you’ll be returning home after dark. You’ll probably want another for temps around 25-40. And you’ll want at least one more that’s WARM. You want windproof most of the time, waterproof too if you can. For your regular winter coat, you’ll want one that comes down below your knees, and is down filled or equivalent. If you use a store’s “scale” for temperatures, remember that those are based on fit young men doing physical activity, not anyone standing or sitting around. Know that people in New England will mostly have coats for warmth and comfort so the standard for looks will start there. Most will have plenty of peeling to do on arriving indoors – coat, boots, hats/scarves/mitts. Hats/scarves/mittens/gloves: multiples of each, as you’ll be putting one set up to dry and reaching for another more often than you might expect. Hats will depend on what is comfortable and stays on your head. Wool knit shows up in a wide variety of options, wool felt will too. You won’t find many hats that are waterproof, though dense wool can be remarkably water resistant. Scarves will be under the coat/jacket, and fabric won’t matter as much here. I have a lot of fleece scarves, as well as wool, wool/silk blends, etc. They fill in the natural gaps between sweaters and coats, etc; without them you’re much more likely to get snow or sleet on your neck. Mittens & gloves: mittens are warmer because you have your fingers together instead of separated. I have fleece mittens and gloves for fall, wool for cold, and technical fabric with waterproof and windproof for *cold.* You’ll want to try them out; you want ones that will be warm enough and that will stay warm even if your hands are sweaty. I keep a couple pair of gloves or mittens in the car all year; little cotton ones for when the steering wheel is too hot to handle, fleece for when the temps are cooling off fast in the fall, wool and warm for the winter just in case. It’ll be harder to find these (hats/mitts/scarves) at second had shops. Boots. You want warm, lined, waterproof boots with treads that go up to your shins or higher. Ankle high boots pretty much mean wet ankles and feet if you’re walking in snow or shoveling out your car. Leg warmers: put them on, put on your boots, and have the leg warmers start over the boots and them come up onto your legs. Covers the gap that can let snow/sleet in, and makes a significant difference in how warm your legs stay. Socks. Warm socks make a world of difference. Wool, silk, technical fabrics. Cotton holds sweat and becomes cooling. Wool can hold heat even if wet. Bedding. You’ll want a warm comforter. You may want flannel sheets. I kept a fleece shawl to pull over my head on the coldest nights. Pets: if you have pets, they’ll be adjusting too. I recommend getting a couple of the pet beds that are fleecey with a heat reflecting interior that can be thrown in the washer and dryer. And don’t be surprised if you find them on the bed/under the comforter. If you have a dog, they now make little booties to help protect paws from ice/salt outdoors. Note that most winter gear will be on sale by Christmas and harder to find in stores by mid January, even tho it’ll be cold yet for another 6-8 weeks. We had significant snow storms where I am by mid November last year, so plan to be ready in early November. Get tourist info from NH and the other NE states! You can order it online and have it sent to your new home (so you don’t have to move it) and get general information to supplement what you’ll get here. States (other than Maine) are comparatively small, it’ll be easy to go visiting. It’s such a beautiful part of the country, and one that will look and feel pretty different from where you are now. Lastly, New Englanders are friendly but much more culturally self-contained than southerners. Everyone looks like an introvert at first, but it’s mostly a cultural difference. Good luck with the move, and enjoy your new place.
D.W.* July 22, 2017 at 5:44 pm Hi— fellow southerner from Alabama here! I moved to NYC last year. Please get waterproof boots and a waterproof, warm coat! I don’t know if it’s windy up there, but also invest in a hat/earmuffs to protect your ears and head from the wind. I love LL Bean and Columbia.
Cereal Killer* July 22, 2017 at 6:30 pm Welcome to New England! I’m a fellow southerner (GA native) who has lived in the Boston area for the past 10 years. I love NE and being so close to so many cool places to visit. Everyone above gave you some great advice on clothing. A couple winter survival tips that haven’t been mentioned yet (I think)… – There are lots of old houses here with old heating systems- including lots of houses that still use oil heat, which can be $$$ as the market raite for oil prices go up. It’s not always avoidable, but something to be aware of as you look at houses/apartments. I rent and will only rent places with oil heat if heat is included in my rent. – Also along the lines of heat and old houses is radiators- my first place had steam heat which was/can be noisy when it turns on. I slept with ear plugs in the winter. – Ask landlords or property managers about snow removal and who is responsible (as mentioned above). Don’t ask them about pest control! I asked my first landlord about frequency of pest control service because bugs are just a way of life in the south and have always had to deal with this. I think I scared my landlord into thinking I will be a difficult tenant that calls them for every ant or fly in my apartment. Turns out you don’t really need regular pest control service up here, unless you have an actual infestation. – The cold and snow were far less a shock to my system than the sun setting at 3pm in the winter. That is a hard transition to make. Some things that helped me is buying a natural daylight lamp for my home and scheduling regular activities for after work so I don’t have the urge to go to bed at 6pm every night!
Bibliovore* July 22, 2017 at 6:57 pm Everything that has been said .Here is what I know. Wool, wool, wool. I am a Merino fan as I am very sensitive to itchy fabric. Layer- Cuddle duds for around 40 degrees and under, silk for dress up, Smartwool leggings and longsleave zip first layer. mittens. If you are buying place- gas fire place- I love mine. slippers. I like hafflingers for around the house. Heated seats in your car.
teclatrans* July 23, 2017 at 4:46 pm Oh, the light! Definitely look into some full-spectrum lighting. I spent a winter in a far-northerly European country one year, and the late dawn/early dusk was the hardest (especially in Nov/Dec when it was mostly overcast).
just another day* July 22, 2017 at 8:23 pm Snow tires are worth every penny, leave three times the stopping distance you think you need (especially during the first storm of the year – everyone has to re-learn how to drive in the snow again), and the underside of bridges and overpasses freeze first, so even if the roads are clear the bridge /overpass can be icy.
just another day* July 22, 2017 at 8:31 pm One last thought: Early in the season it is so easy to sit back and appreciate how pretty the snow is and to work around any snow that is in the way / minor inconvenience, but by if you don’t move it during those early storms it’ll harden all the way through and you’ll be stuck with it until March/April, so the snow we get in November and December is definitely the time to get out there and not be lazy no matter how much Netflix and hot chocolate is calling you!
just another day* July 22, 2017 at 8:33 pm (and it piles up and up and up and that minor inconvenience can eventually block walkways and doors and then you can’t get your car in the garage or the mail carrier won’t deliver your mail). Living in New England is mostly wonderful, but we basically spend all year living through winter or preparing for it.
oldbiddy* July 24, 2017 at 10:14 am Amen to snow tires. A front wheel drive sedan with a low center of gravity and snow tires will often fare better than a big SUV without snow tires. I’m from CA originally but now I live in an areas with hills and snow. I drove my old Camry for 5 winters using snow tires. No problems. When I replaced it I got a Subaru but still ended up opting to buy snow tires after the first storm.
belle* July 22, 2017 at 10:42 pm THANK YOU! y’all have been so generous with your advice. I’m taking so many notes.
Free Meerkats (formerly Gene)* July 22, 2017 at 11:21 pm If you rent an apartment, make sure you have your own heat, not relying on a central boiler or furnace. At least the first couple of years, you’ll want heat long before the natives do.
D.W.* July 23, 2017 at 12:00 am Great advice! I’m in a building with central boiler heat and when the temps dropped below 70 I was freezing!! Our building doesn’t turn on the heat until the temp is below 60. Buy a space heater.
Diluted_Tortoise_Shell* July 23, 2017 at 11:44 am I moved from NC to Maine and got stuck there 3 years. I say stuck because hubby and I pretty much instantly wanted to move away, but couldn’t afford to for a few years. NE is very expensive compared to the south, even the coasts have much lower prices then up there. Winters weren’t a problem for us (wear layers and keep a blanket in the car) but the culture just wasn’t for us (He is from the midwest, I”m from the south). We are both very liberal atheists so were honestly surprised that we struggled in this way up there. The main struggle we had, is that NE has a very different approach to strangers. At least in Maine 9 out of 10 folks wanted absolutely nothing to do with us for the 1st year. It made for a lonely and challenging living. It’s also dark from 9am to 4pm for a large block of winter – that was honestly harder than the snow for us since we got practically no sunlight. It was not the time for me to learn that I am more dependent on the sun for my mood than the average person! I also had a bit more trouble with the culture, because for some reason the civil war/slavery got brought up a surprising amount (think someone hangs up after speaking with a customer with a southern accent and then the civil war/slavery/southerners are all idiotic bigots conversations would start up). It was very upsetting to constantly be torn down because of where I am from. Some workplace incidents were so bad (Portland, Maine) that I even turned folks into HR and they received warnings and diversity training. Eventually I just stopped trying to correct folks on their misconceptions – in their mind we were all hillbillies riding around with confederate flags and shotguns in our pick-up truck windows and that was that. I have heard good things about New Hamshire and Connecticut, that they are a bit more open to strangers compared to other places in New England. I also believe NH has much lower taxes then ME so hopefully that will help with the costs. Just be sure to research and budget, because food alone was a struggle for us in ME. Case in point I took a 10% pay cut to come to Missouri with hubby but my take home pay was 5% more because of the lower taxes and my disposable income went way, way up. Our grocery budget, rice, beans, mostly frozen fruit and veggies and some meat and fresh fruits/vegetables for 2 was $100 per week in Maine. $100 per week were we live now would cover prime rib, sea food, and organic fruit and veggies. Rent was also very expenses. We were dropping $800 per month to live above a methlab in one bedroom apt. Got a two bedroom down here in the revamped downtown for $600. Gas was just at $2.00 when we moved here, and we were paying $3.80 up there. Even state parks charged an entry fee in Maine, something I never saw in NC. If you want to spend the day hiking be prepared to drop a $40 entry fee, even more when we had out of state plates.
KR* July 23, 2017 at 3:53 pm The state park thing in NH varies by state park but a lot of them have an entrance gate and then a back way in that you don’t pay. I lived in NH and rarely paid admission to any state park. NH has no income tax and no sales tax, but can have higher property taxes depending on your town. Rent is very high and it’s not a good market for renters.
Red Arrow Diner* July 23, 2017 at 9:53 pm in their mind we were all hillbillies riding around with confederate flags and shotguns in our pick-up truck windows and that was that Wait, you’re not?
NicoleK* July 23, 2017 at 12:27 pm Everyone has provided good tips for you already so I’ll only add one more suggestion. Make sure you don’t run out of windshield wiper fluid.
another person* July 23, 2017 at 1:23 pm Second pair of pants for winter! That’s my key for really cold (Chicago) days when I have to be outside for a while (either walking dog or public transit waits). I look a little ridiculous, but honestly, even just throwing a pair of sweatpants on over my normal pants is a 1000x improvement in warmth levels (I mean, also with coat and scarves and hat). I can get to work and not be shivering for the next hour and instead actually get work done. I also recommend double gloves (I need gloves because I can’t walk the dog in mittens, which are supposedly warmer). Also puffy knee length coats are good. And thick scarves. Honestly, I can bundle up appropriately and not even be cold for half an hour of 0 degree (F) weather just fine. It’s the second pair of pants that does it and I recommend it 1000%.
firebolt* July 24, 2017 at 8:33 am Yes! I have a pair of pants that I wear over or instead of my regular pants just to make the walk to work. The first day I wore them, I wasn’t sure how well they worked–until I changed into just regular pants and walked across the street and felt the icy chill! If anything, they can be too warm (I wore them on a plane one time and suffered for that choice; I wouldn’t wear them indoors if there’s any heat). I’m sure there are options, but I have a pair from Uniqlo. They look like this but have the HEATTECH (doesn’t look like you can buy them right now, though). I’ve only tried the pants but they’re so great that I’d recommend anything from that collection. pants look like this: https://www.uniqlo.com/us/en/women-leggings-pants-400549.html?dwvar_400549_size=SMA002&dwvar_400549_color=COL08&cgid=women-leggings-pants#start=2&cgid=women-leggings-pants HEATTECH collection: https://www.uniqlo.com/us/en/women/heattech-collection I’ve been here five years and this last winter was the first year that I felt like I was completely satisfied with all my winter wardrobe items (partly because I didn’t have the money the first few years to get quality stuff). If you’re cold or uncomfortable, it’s probably your gear! Good luck!
Anon for medical stuff* July 22, 2017 at 9:58 am Yay got in early! I have a crooked toe problem and trying to decide if surgery is my best option. Basically, the third toe on my left foot is bent so that it swerves left and then back right, so it presses up against the second toe really hard to the point where the skin is constantly raw if I don’t wear bandaids around between them. I’m considering surgery, which the foot doctor said I would probably need at some point, sooner than I’d planned because I met my insurance deductible for the year already and wouldn’t have to pay for anything. Anybody have experience with similar issues or advice they could share? All is much appreciated!
Namast'ay in Bed* July 22, 2017 at 10:53 am I don’t have specific experience with this type of medical issue, but all I can say is that you shouldn’t live with constant/regular pain if you have a way (and the means) to fix it. I’ve had ankle surgery to fix something I thought “oh maybe I can live with this, do I realllly need to put myself through surgery”, and I don’t regret it one bit. You spend a lot of time on your feet, don’t force yourself to live with pain. Especially if it’s something the doctor says you’ll eventually need surgery for- that probably means it might get worse, fixing it now may mean you avoid a bigger procedure in the future.
Anon for medical stuff* July 22, 2017 at 9:35 pm Thanks, it helps to hear from people who had more elective surgeries and don’t regret it! I’m mostly gritting my teeth at six weeks out of work, but I think it will be worth it in the long run.
Undine* July 22, 2017 at 11:05 am It’s good to do it when you max out your deductible, but plan for some additional expense that insurance won’t cover.
Anon for medical stuff* July 22, 2017 at 9:33 pm Good point! I’ll be sure to check with my insurance company on exactly what will be covered.
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 11:11 am I don’t have toe stuff, but in general something like this can have effects all the way up–it’ll change your gait, and over the long term it can affect your back. So surgery earlier than later might be worth considering on those grounds.
Anon for medical stuff* July 22, 2017 at 9:32 pm Yeah, that’s my bigger concern. It doesn’t hurt constantly, and it’s not bad when it does, but I’m concerned about it getting worse (my grandma has several really bad hammer toes that cause a lot of pain, and doctor said she really can’t do surgery at this point. Hadn’t really thought of back issues, but that scary too and something I definitely want to avoid. Thanks for the suggestions!
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 11:50 am You could check with a chiropractor to see if chiropractic will help. To save time/effort I would call and ask before making an appointment. You can frame it as, “Has the doctor had any experience with toes that are extremely crooked?” The answer you hear back should be a good, solid answer not a general, “Well, we can check you….”.
Anon for medical stuff* July 22, 2017 at 9:27 pm My regular doctor (not the one I saw for my foot) also has a chiropractic office that I visit regularly, so I’ll ask about that next time I’m in. Appreciate the suggestion!
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 10:13 pm Maybe it’s a long shot but I like to try the non-invasive stuff first. Good luck! You will have to let us know how it goes.
Anon for medical stuff* July 22, 2017 at 11:23 pm I would definitely rather avoid surgery, but the hang up is that I would need to have it by the end of September at the latest, due to some other scheduling factors, which doesn’t leave a lot of time for experimenting :/ I’ll keep you post though!
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 9:37 am Be sure to let the doc know the kind of time frame you are dealing with. He may shorten your learning curve on this one by telling you to go directly to surgery OR he may tell you that he can help you and he has had success with previous patients. A good chiro will tell you upfront.
Cookie D'oh* July 22, 2017 at 12:33 pm My mom recently had surgery for a bunion and her second for was overlapping and laying on her big toe. The surgery too care of the bunion and straightened out the other toe. The first week she was in a cast up to her knee and had to use crutches and a knee scooter to get around. After that she got a boot and is able to get around better because she can walk by putting weight on her heel. She’s about 4 weeks into the six week recovery time and after that she gets physical therapy. She goes back in November for her other foot. She wishes she had gotten it done sooner than later. If you’re able to get the surgery and it’s covered by insurance, I would reccomended it.
Trixie* July 22, 2017 at 2:11 pm I am contemplating bunion surgery but I’m not experiencing any real pain for discomfort. Just thinking corrective surgery is easier now than waiting. I think some folks get both feet done at the same time but maybe it depends on how severe the situation is.
Cookie D'oh* July 22, 2017 at 6:10 pm My Mom’s situation was pretty bad. She’s a teacher and on her feet all day and was in as lot of pain at the end of the day. She’s on summer vacation now and should be healed up by the end of August. From seeing her, I think doing both feet at once would be difficult. I think you would need a wheelchair to get around. My Dad has some mobility issues himself so it would be difficult for him to help.
Artemesia* July 22, 2017 at 6:11 pm Note that the magic word for insurance coverage is ‘pain’ as well as functional disability e.g. difficulty walking. Things that are not causing pain are often considered cosmetic and not covered.
Anon for medical stuff* July 22, 2017 at 9:25 pm Ahh ick, recovery sounds not fun :( Walking is a pretty big part of my job, although I’m pretty sure my boss will be happy to give me s much desk work as he can to get me back sooner, but sounds like I’ll be out of work for quite a while. Best wishes for your Mom’s recovery!
Andrea* July 22, 2017 at 2:15 pm Husband just had hammetoe surgery on his pinky toe two months ago. It caused him pain for years and he developed a bone spur on top of it-FUN!. With toes, the tendons and the bones can get out of whack and it only gets worse. His surgery was on a Wed. He was off his feet that weekend, seen on Monday and cleared to go back to work in a boot and with a cane. The healing is slow, but he now can see his foot not constantly hurting. Good luck.
Wendy Darling* July 22, 2017 at 7:36 pm My younger brother had a hammer toe. A horse stood on his foot. It miraculously fixed his hammer toe. I do not recommend this course of treatment, alas.
Anon for medical stuff* July 22, 2017 at 9:17 pm Ha that’s hilarious! And way cheaper- if mine was arched up, I might give it a shot, but it’s more cockeyed sideways. Maybe I should try playing soccer or something.
Anon for medical stuff* July 22, 2017 at 9:22 pm The worst part is that I walk 4-5 miles a day for my job, which means that I would be out of work for ages (or at least it would feel like that since I’m currently at my parents’ house) and I’m not looking forward to that part. But then it will be done!
Sled Dog Mama* July 22, 2017 at 3:10 pm I had bi-lateral 3rd and 4th mallet toes and 5th hammer toes. I had surgery to correct them 12 years ago. If the joints are not yet frozen (meaning that if there is still any flexibility when you use your fingers to straighten out the toe) I’d explore non surgical options like splinting. I was stuck with surgery because by the time I saw the doctor for it my joints were frozen, they also ended up shortening my toes as one of the contributing factors was my very long toes, they were all the same length. The best thing I can tell you is the recovery varies. I had both feet done in the same surgery but one hurt considerably more than the other and swelled more. You totally should not have to live with this issue though so and I have never regretted having my surgery.
Anon for medical stuff* July 22, 2017 at 9:19 pm I can straighten it with my fingers, but there’s kind of a lump that still cockeyed out the side that I think is bone. When I saw a doctor and had it x-rayed, she said I would need surgery at some point, sooner than later.
Sled Dog Mama* July 23, 2017 at 9:06 am It sounds like you need the surgery to deal with that bony lump. Could you schedule the surgery for as late as possible, do non surgical between now and then to minimize the joint issue and have your doctor only deal with the lump. Something I forgot in my previous comment is make sure you know what they are going to do in surgery, the solution for a mallet toe is to fuse the joint. Also my toes had pins that keep them straight as they healed (held both joints straight) because my doctor used bio absorbing pins rather than the removable kind it took several years for me to get full range of motion back in the unaffected joint which had an effect on my gait.
Belle di Vedremo* July 22, 2017 at 6:30 pm Are you at all interested in medical care a bit off the beaten path? I’d look for a physical therapist (or even a massage therapist with the right training) who does manual therapy for soft tissue alignment issues. Sometimes surgery is the best option, but once things are cut you can’t go back. I’d try other things, first. I’d look for training in cranio-sacral therapy, myo-fascial release, or orthopedic massage. Most (not all, but most) medical doctors don’t have experience with this kind of work so don’t think to recommend it. PTs and massage therapists often do have this training; the PT is also licensed to do evaluations in ways massage therapists often aren’t. Access to PTs varies by state; some are allowed to see patients directly, some are allowed to see only patients with a prescription, sometimes they can see you for X appts before needing a prescription, etc. A PT is more likely to take your insurance, too. Had a frozen shoulder for which surgery was suggested; was told I could expect to be able to lift my arm up over my head but not straight up afterwards. I went the other route and have full rotation again. If the best answer is still surgery, you’ll know you checked out other options. Once things are cut, there’s no going back.
Anon for medical stuff* July 22, 2017 at 9:14 pm I am interested in trying other things, but a little short on time since I need to schedule the surgery for mid September at the latest to ensure that most of the follow up care would also happen before the end of the year, which only gives me about six weeks to try other options, so it’s kind of a now or never thing with surgery, unfortunately. :(
LazyCat* July 22, 2017 at 10:19 am My husband and I put an offer on a house on Thursday, and got a counter offer this morning! (Minor, acceptable changes) Now I’m looking at the calendar and realizing our probable 7 day due diligence period includes his birthday and his sister’s visit from out of state, and kicking myself for not asking for ten days of due-diligence. Oh well, it’ll work if it had to!
Anna* July 22, 2017 at 11:59 am If you haven’t accepted/rejected the counter yet, you can add the 10 days as well and have the agent pass on the explanation.
LazyCat* July 22, 2017 at 12:57 pm That’s what we ended up doing! (no answer yet) The sellers were openly flexible about the changes they’re requesting, so hopefully they’ll be open to this change too.
Liz* July 22, 2017 at 12:02 pm What is due diligence? I have purchased two homes and never heard of that.
Anna* July 22, 2017 at 12:36 pm That is where you have a home inspector come out and look for termites, code violations, leaky roofs, and other stuff that needs to be fixed. You make a counter offer after the inspection of things you want to be repaired prior to closing or if you want a price break.
Sled Dog Mama* July 22, 2017 at 3:16 pm Glad you realized that. We’re in the middle of selling our house and because of how everything has worked out everything got signed late on Friday and the due diligence period included the weekend and a national holiday. Our buyers didn’t get some of their reports until three days after the end of the period (fortunately nothing came up soot was a non issue) but it’s not like they didn’t know when they submitted the offer Thursday night that the following Tuesday was a national holiday.
Lynn* July 22, 2017 at 10:21 am I generally only lurk on this website, but you all are so well informed I’m going to throw this out into the internet and see what comes back. My husband and I are under contract for a house purchase. A few weeks after the contract was ratified (and, of course, after we terminated our lease in anticipation of moving) we learned the seller has a reverse mortgage obligation that is 30k more than the sales price/appraisal price of the home. We’re being told that our contract is being submitted to HUD for approval, and a new appraisal will be done. My internet research this am suggests that a seller can owe no more than 95% of the home’s value in a reverse mortgage situation, so as long as this new appraisal is within a reasonable distance of the appraisal we had done by our mortgage bank. Anyone have any thoughts? Or insight as to how long it takes for HUD to review something like this? This is our first home purchase, and we feel pretty out of our depth for what our options are. All we know is that we probably aren’t actually closing on Monday!!
Blue Anne* July 22, 2017 at 11:07 am I haven’t done one of these myself, but I’m a little bit of a real estate investor and have seen a number of other people do them. Short sales can take a really long time to get approval from the lender. It is totally ridiculous that you weren’t told about this situation before you even looked at the house. If you end up out of pocket a lot on getting housing lined up, I’d be looking for the seller to cover that cost, frankly. You may want to post this question on the BiggerPockets forum. There are a ton of people there with very specific knowledge on this.
Lynn* July 22, 2017 at 3:22 pm Thanks – I definitely will. It’s easy to find information on short sales, but less common when the shortness is due to a reverse mortgage and even less so when the seller entered into a contract first!
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 22, 2017 at 1:18 pm So it’s a short sale? If so, those can take months to get approved by the seller’s lender. Your agent should be explaining all this to you, and advising you on what to do!
Hometown Bound?* July 22, 2017 at 10:22 am I have to decide soon whether or not to move back to my hometown and…I’m really torn. I’ve been telling people I will be moving back this year and my family are all really excited. And I thought I was, too. Until I took a trip back to visit them. See, my family has problems. I am very different from them (I am liberal, they are conservative, I am middle class they are all deep in poverty – as was I growing up, they are religious and I’m not, so on and so forth). There are also some pretty unhealthy relationships. My mother lives with my grandparents to take care of them but she is deeply unhappy there but won’t leave because my grandfather is our Patriarch and has a strong hold on the family. I’m very close to him but I think our relationship would suffer if I was there, in person, for the same reason’s my mother’s relationship with him has. My sister suffers from severe mental illness and drug addiction and is homeless. My extended family isn’t much better. The thing is, I want to be part of their lives. I miss my mom and my sister and my grandparents and my nephew is growing up largely without knowing me. That is all why I decided to move back to my hometown despite 10 years of living away. But, I am worried about how I will handle all of this if I go back. I can distance myself from their troubles and the worry and stress it causes me by being physically distant. I live about 12 hours away and work keeps me from going back more than once or twice every two years. But if I am in town I’ll be expected to see everyone every few weeks. I just feel torn. I know I don’t want to stay in the town I live now but if I move somewhere else that isn’t my hometown, I feel like they’ll be disappointed and I’ll be letting them down. But if I move back to my hometown I worry I’ll be unhappy.
CityMouse* July 22, 2017 at 10:39 am For what it’s worth I don’t think you have to live in the same town as your family to be involved in their lives. I live on the other side of the country from my sister and we still talk on the phone multiple times a week and go on trips together. My nephew spent the summer with my parents and so they still spend time with him, even though he lives far away. I would also say I am very close to my aunts/uncles who I only saw 1-2 times a year when I was a kid. I still have relationships with them as an adult. I know a lot of people who actually have a better relationship with their families at a distance, and it kind of sounds like you are one of those people. Moving home could potentially damage your relationship with them if it becomes too much and you end up fighting with them.
Hometown Bound?* July 22, 2017 at 12:12 pm To be fair, I do talk to them regularly on the phone with the exception of my nephew. He was born deaf and so we cannot talk on the phone and he’s too young for texting, etc. I don’t think we would fight…I think it would just stress me out to an extreme degree.
Paquita* July 23, 2017 at 12:56 pm Second this! If you don’t sign it’s a good time to learn. If he isn’t learning to sign that is a problem.
Junior Dev* July 22, 2017 at 10:39 am Can you move to a city that’s an hour or two drive away from them? Them you could visit on weekends but wouldn’t be quite so tied down to them.
Hometown Bound?* July 22, 2017 at 12:13 pm Unfortunately it is either that town or 6+ hours away. There is nothing else in any direction except farmland and desert.
Turtlewings* July 22, 2017 at 12:37 pm I was thinking exactly what Junior Dev said, sad that it’s not exactly an option, but hey, 6 hours is still a lot closer than 12. You could still be available for serious emergencies, 3-day weekends, and much easier for planned visits. I’ve been at 6-hours-from-parents and am now at 12-hours-from-parents and the 6-hour distance was WAY easier to work with. It would be easy to say you couldn’t get a job any closer (heck, it might even be true). Fwiw, I really sympathize with your dilemma. I’m very close to my family and miss them a lot, and yet it’s a relief to be further away from all their drama, especially as we grow further apart politically.
teclatrans* July 23, 2017 at 5:13 pm I used live 6 hours from family I am very fond of, and I was able to visit 4-5 times per year. (3-day weekends were too intense for round-trip solo drives, but 4-day weekends worked, YMMV.) I think you would see a major increase in your ability to be present in your family’s lives over living 12 hours away. I think your gut and other indicators are telling you not to move home, while wishful thinking is trying to paint over the cracks. Will you enjoy living and building a life (career, partner, family, if any of those are your goals) in your hometown on its own merits, or is family all it has to offer? Do you like who you are when you are with family? Do you have the tools to set good boundaries and not be drained by family dynamics? Could you really go 2-3 weeks without seeing family, or would they expect more from you? What roles will they try to draw you into, and how will you deal with that?
nonegiven* July 22, 2017 at 6:28 pm My son is 7 hours away and his cousin is 5 hours away and they both visit more than twice a year.
Bibliovore* July 22, 2017 at 10:41 am Okay- we moved back to my husband’s home town to be closer to family. We are sucked into the all of the drama and are seen as the emergency fund for all monetary crisis. Go to six Alanon meetings to see if that program is for you. If you can, delay the moving decision until you have reasonable boundaries that you can live with. What caught my eye was this “if I move somewhere else that isn’t my hometown, I feel like they’ll be disappointed and I’ll be letting them down.” I know this sounds harsh but “so what?” Imagine what your life will be like back in the home town. Your drug addicted sister living on your couch and you supporting her. Your mother’s health failing and you care-taking your patriarch. Your extended family surrounding you with disapproval about every belief at odds with their own.
Hometown Bound?* July 22, 2017 at 12:16 pm No, I get it. It sounds miserable and I think it would be. But on the same hand: my mother is alone and struggling emotionally and physically with worry for my sister, care for my nephew and care of my grandparents. My grandparents are getting old and we’ll lose them one day probably sooner rather than later and my sister is literally homeless because no one else can take her in. This is my conflict: do I take care of the people that raised me and sacrifice my peace for their wellbeing as they did for me – or do I put my own sanity first and sacrifice them for my peace and wellbeing? I know to many people the answer would be obviously put myself and my health and sanity first, but I can’t help but feel horrible for that.
Jerry Vandesic* July 22, 2017 at 12:30 pm Would you be OK with taking in your sister if you move? Since “no one else can take her in,” but you could, it sounds like you will be expected to provide for your sister. You should be comfortable with that, or willing to take on the conflict that could arise if you don’t take her in.
Toxic Relative Survivor* July 23, 2017 at 10:04 pm Seriously, you need to step back and look at what you just wrote. OP’s sister is severely mentally ill, and you’re suggesting “would you be OK with taking in your sister if you move”? Due respect, but you need to think about the utter, unending Sisyphean hell that is living with someone who is that mentally ill. OP will never, ever get a respite if she does this. And outsiders like you who say, “oh, the ill person is family, you need to accommodate her” just don’t get it. Just because you’re family doesn’t mean you have to tolerate abuse.
Julia* July 24, 2017 at 5:48 am I don’t think that’s what Jerry meant. They asked if OP had a way of dealing with the expectation of taking sister in if OP moved closer.
Jerry Vandesic* July 24, 2017 at 3:17 pm Slow down Toxic (very appropriate handle, BTW). The point is that others will be expecting the OP to take in the sister, and the OP will have to deal with that expectation. OP can deal with it by taking in the sister (not a good idea in my opinion, but I don’t think OP should move back in first place), or by dealing with the fallout from the family if OP doesn’t take her in. Neither are good options, which is why I would recommend not moving back.
Undine* July 22, 2017 at 1:51 pm You likely can’t save them even if you sacrifice yourself. There are ways to help, and you are probably doing some of them. If it feels like it’s not enough, it’s because nothing will be enough. And you will never stop feeling guilty.
Belle di Vedremo* July 22, 2017 at 5:44 pm What would an answer that puts yourself, your health, and your sanity first and then for what you can for them after that look like? It’s in the “put your own oxygen mask on first” category, which isn’t the same as “sacrificing them for my peace and wellbeing.” I can’t see a way to sacrifice yourself that is helpful to them in the long run; to be helpful you’ll need to be in good shape yourself. Have you thought about a consultation with a CPA with experience helping individuals looking at elder care and other family issues, to get ideas about pathways to take care of yourself while setting aside money for others in ways that are sustainable? Have you thought about a consult with someone with experience helping others through the kinds of concerns you have for your own family, and finding ways to walk with them, not for them? What kinds of things might be most helpful for your mom, for your sister, etc? Are you willing to house your sister for the rest of your lives? Are you willing to kick her out if you feel you have to? I see the second as a lot harder on both of you than helping her to an alternative in the first place. Your concerns are valid and important to consider, for your own wellbeing and that of those you love. Getting support and advice is smart, generous, and kind. Good for you for asking these questions, and good for your family, too. They raised you, and want the best for you.
nonegiven* July 22, 2017 at 6:39 pm You can’t support the whole family. There is home health, assisted living, hospice. You don’t have to be the one providing all the care, you can help without getting sucked in. I have a cousin that has been on drugs so often, her own mother won’t let her visit for even a few minutes. Can you get your mother into alanon? You will have to draw a hard line with your sister and don’t let anyone push you over your line.
Bibliovore* July 22, 2017 at 7:05 pm I hear what you are saying so…that is why the Alanon meetings. Just try six meetings. In my mid twenties, I was living in MY home town. I had no life of my own…caring for my baby niece, care-taking my drug addicted brother, care-taking my emotionally fragile mother, anxious, and depressed when I walked into those rooms for the first time. It did take six meetings before I understood that- I didn’t cause this situation, I can’t control this situation, and I can’t cure it.
neverjaunty* July 22, 2017 at 8:14 pm You are weighting the question to make one answer (moving back) seem like the only moral choice. Ask yourself why you have to push so hard to make this seem like a good decision.
teclatrans* July 23, 2017 at 5:36 pm Did they sacrifice their peace for your well-being? Did they make you feel like a burden? Do you feel like you got away to save yourself, but that was the selfish choice and now you have to go back and take up your burden? Those are all just stabs in the dark, but I agree with others that there may be some boundary issues at play. I think I can relate to some of your dilemma. My mom spent years looking after my grandmother while holding a full-time job, and they both involved lots of commute time. She is on her own and I am far away, and I sometimes felt guilty that I wasn’t more of a help. But she never laid a guilt trip on me, and I contributed when I visited. What helped was that she is an independent, capable woman and when things were too much, she looked into options (eldercare, hiring someone to come in for a couple of hours three times a week to clean and handle other light work, etc.) Are you in a position to help pay for that kind of support? If not, could living in the 6-hour location help you begin to meet a goal to get into that position? And if your mom and/or grandfather reject these solutions because it’s the daughter’s/granddaughters duty, then that’s on them, a choice they are making that’s rooted in patriarchy and possibly codependent — you are allowed to offer the help that keeps you sane, and set limits. One last point. I think the modernist emphasis on the individual can have some problematic aspects when it comes to the relationship of the individual to the collective. I think it is admirable that you are considering the needs of your lived ones, and it sounds like you have strong positive feelings for your family despite the issues that weigh on you. But you do not have to, in fact you just not, sacrifice yourself at the altar of family. That will eat you up, grind you down, and leave you struggling too. There is a description if sympathy vs. empathy that seems apt here — one is lying at the top of the hole and calling down to give comfort and help them climb out and/or get help, while the other is climbing down into the hole with them. From your description, it sounds like moving home would be climbing down into the pit with them?
Toxic Relative Survivor* July 23, 2017 at 10:11 pm @Homeward Bound: your mother and other relatives *made a choice* to be where they are. Your life is yours. Being a family does NOT mean entering into a suicide pact. This decision should be an easy one. You have mentally ill family who are begging you to move to a hometown that, frankly, sounds isolated, without a lot of economic opportunity. Don’t kid yourself. You’re going to get sucked into their drama. You are NOT going to be able to rise above it. Mentally ill people have to WANT help. You are NOT going to maintain that middle-class lifestyle you mentioned above, because the economic opportunities are likely not there, and your skills will atrophy, and employers are NOT going to be forgiving about mentally ill relatives . You should not make this move. You know this (“it sounds miserable and I think it would be”), and people ’round these parts are unwilling to tell you so bluntly for fear of appearing rude or unkind or rocking the boat. You know how on pre-flight safety demos on airplanes they always say, “put on your oxygen mask first, then assist others.” That’s what you need to do here. It is NOT horrible to put your own well-being first. On the contrary, that honors the sacrifice that your family made to get you OUT of that environment. If you reinsert yourself into that environment, that sacrifice and your accomplishments until now will have been in vain. I implore you: don’t do this. I’d suggest you check out a book called TOXIC PARENTS by Susan Forward for a much lengthier treatment of issues like this.
MissDissplaced* July 22, 2017 at 10:54 am Run. Stay away. Or if you must, move to a large city within the region that is “close enough for holidays but far enough for everyday.” I’ve been there, done that. Remember why you left in the first place?
Hometown Bound?* July 22, 2017 at 12:17 pm I wish there was a closer city that wasn’t there. That would be a good option but, as is, I’m in the nearest city and I’m nearly 12 hours away. Everything else is desert and farmland. Most of these issues have come up since I left. When I was there I was a lot like them. I changed after I left and I like who I am now but it means I don’t fit with them. But how do I not go back and help them when it is so clear they need help?
WellRed* July 22, 2017 at 12:42 pm If these issues have cropped since you left, do you have any experience of daily life with an addict, one so bad she’s actually homeless? Ymmv, but expect heartbreak, frustration, manipulation, and money drain.
Hometown Bound?* July 23, 2017 at 12:04 am I do have that experience and, unfortunately (fortunately?) her homelessness is a result of her mental health issues – addiction came tertiary as a result of looking for ways to “cope.” Not that it changes the end situations which is a mentally unstable person, homeless and addicted to drugs, but…. My heart breaks for her daily. My heart broke when I told her she couldn’t come live with me where I live now unless she was willing to immediately enter intensive treatment for both drug addiction and mental health care. I had to stop sending her money years ago because it never went where it was supposed to go. I know if I end up back there she will be my biggest hurdle. My grandparents I can manage – I just want to see them more before I lose them. My mother really just needs a little relief and I can help there (and goad the rest of the family in a way she can’t or won’t into helping more) and everyone else is easy enough to ignore.
TL -* July 23, 2017 at 5:36 am If she won’t go into therapy to live you with and get stable, she’s not going to get better because you’re closer, either. It’s unfortunate, but honestly, it sounds like the most you can do is offer support for the decisions to get healthier and you can do that just as well from 12 hrs away as 5 minutes away.
Toxic Relative Survivor* July 23, 2017 at 10:13 pm ^One thousand times this. Your sister is a drowning person. Like many drowning people, they’ll clutch onto anything they can, including you. She’s a drowning person WHO WILL TRY TO TAKE YOU WITH HER. Don’t let that happen. You have ZERO moral obligation to let that happen. ZERO.
Em* July 24, 2017 at 12:45 pm Do not discount that fact that offering to let her live with you while undergoing treatment is HUGE. AND SHE SAID NO. They need help, you want to help, but will they accept the help you are willing to give or will they insist on help that drains you and doesn’t get them out of their situations?
Rebecca* July 22, 2017 at 5:08 pm I think you should stay away. Trying to help them will pull you down. There are agencies that can help with elder care. In PA, it’s the Office of the Aging. The grandparents could get a caseworker, and they can get help with care. You can’t fix your sister. She has issues well beyond your ability to care for her, and this is a terrible thing. Again, maybe you could help to find a caseworker, could she get into a group home, that type of thing? I’m not being heartless. Yes, it’s clear they need help, but I don’t think you are obligated to the the one providing the actual help. There are agencies who can address the issues, and maybe that’s how you can help the most, by getting the family members in contact with those people.
MindoverMoneyChick* July 22, 2017 at 5:30 pm I can’t speak to all of the issues your family is facing, but here’s one thing I know for sure. There’s nothing you can do to truly help your sister with the addiction. You can pour all of yourself into her, and it will just drain you with no benefit to her. Maybe there is something you can do that would truly benefit your mom – it’s hard to tell. But think long and hard about that. If you trade your peace and sanity to help them, will it actually help them in a substantive way as opposed to making everyone feel better for the moment. You seem quite clear that this would be a sacrifice on your part, something you would do for the greater good, but at a personal loss. Make sure there really is a greater good to be gained.
But first, coffee* July 22, 2017 at 10:56 am My family and I are very similar to yours in terms of socio-economic status and political and religious beliefs. I actually did move back to my hometown a few years ago. It didn’t take me very long to realize that it was not a great move. I was deeply unhappy but kept trying to make everything work. I am one of those people who does have a better relationship with her family at a distance, and vice versa. I moved last year and I’m currently thriving in my new city (close to the distance you currently live). I’m not saying that moving back to your hometown would be a mistake; if anything, I think you should reflect on this carefully and take what CityHouse said into consideration. Moving 3 hours away where you can still visit on occasion may be a better option for you. But the one thing I want to point out is that you are concerned with disappointing them, which means you feel guilt about not fulfilling an expectation they have or that you think they have. That’s people pleasing, and it’s not a way to live. You have to make yourself a priority. Yes, it may involve slightly valuing yourself over your family but bending over backwards to cater to their needs and expectations will likely wear you down and make you unhappy.
Hometown Bound?* July 22, 2017 at 12:19 pm I know and I agree. It is a weird dynamic in our family. We are very much raised to always put The Family first. In everything. Always. At all times. It was a big break for me to move away – no one else ever has and I can tell when I talk to a few cousins they want to, but won’t. It has been 11 years now and I still feel that draw.
But first, coffee* July 22, 2017 at 2:33 pm Good for you for being the one to make the leap! You aren’t responsible for the members of your family who choose what they choose. You are responsible for yourself, and you can make decisions for yourself. I imagine that your family was probably hurt when you did move away. Maybe someone or several people tried to guilt trip you or said things that made you feel guilty shortly after you did move. But at the end of the day, they are your family and they will love you no matter what decisions you make. I mean, you wouldn’t stop caring about someone in your family for a decision you didn’t agree with, would you?
Hometown Bound?* July 23, 2017 at 12:06 am The guilt didn’t come when I first moved away. I first moved for college and I was the first in my family to attend so there was a lot of pride/pressure to succeed. The guilt came when I didn’t return after college.
Toxic Relative Survivor* July 23, 2017 at 10:17 pm So you have to decide what’s more important: tradition, or your own well being. At the risk of an armchair diagnosis, some people in this situation (“put The Family first”) may be suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It’s not uncommon for people with NPD to suffer from other mental illnesses as well. While it’s said that mental illness is not contagious, I actually disagree in many ways. I can’t pin this one on science; call it my one faith-based initiative. But you would not move into a house with live Ebola patients; so you shouldn’t move into a house with live NPD patients, either. “Family” does not mean “suicide pact.”
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 12:00 pm Sometimes when we are not there to see the day-to-day we can tend to idealize what living nearby would be like. Use that trip back as a reality check. You can be a part of their lives with the phone and Skype. You can have your nephew come stay with you for a week during the summer. While it is true that they will feel let down if you chose not to move, please consider the ways that they have let you down. A big one was your need to move away in the first place. If your goal is to see them every few weeks you can make more of a point to call them or email them. They are who they are and they are not likely to change. You are who you are and it’s reasonable to think that they will expect you to change.
Liz* July 22, 2017 at 12:07 pm Run. Spend the money to have the neice’s and nephews visit you. It will open their eyes to what is possible. And visit more, but don’t live there. Usually I don’t give adcice this so strongly, it is your life, but find other ways to be in their lives. Read Hillbilly Elegy. Support them from a distance and be the role model the author of this book never had.
Hometown Bound?* July 22, 2017 at 12:21 pm Man I wish my nephew could come stay with me. That would take out a lot of the guilt I feel. I feel like he’s some innocent in this family of chaos and I’m not there to provide some stability. Unfortunately due to a nasty custody situation he cannot leave the state and I live out of state. Thanks for the recommendation to read the book – I’ll pick it up.
TootsNYC* July 22, 2017 at 2:44 pm He cannot leave the state even for a visit? That seems weird. If you want him to come for a one-week vacation (or two-week), look into pushing back on that. I can’t believe the courts wouldn’t allow it. Or, if he can’t, then arrange to spend that same time with him, but visit some other city in his state. My best friend takes her nie-phews on trips to other cities.
Hometown Bound?* July 23, 2017 at 12:08 am Yea it is a really complex and ugly situation involving multiple levels of custody disputes and state appointed guardians. Things got ugly really quickly and given that neither of his parents are at all qualified to raise children, they never really got better.
TootsNYC* July 24, 2017 at 6:06 pm He’s 11–very, very soon it’s going to become a very compelling argument that this restriction is grossly unfair –to him–. He is a human being who is being hampered by restrictions on HIS movement. I can’t believe a state-appointed guardian–especially one whose role is to advocate FOR HIM (as opposed to for his parents, or grandparents, etc.)–couldn’t make that case. Age 12 is often a time when judges start to pay attention to a child’s wishes (as opposed to his guardians’). And a wish on his part for a VISIT out of state could be argued as having a far lower stake than permanent residency or custody. And the older your nephew gets, the more he will be able to argue in front of a judge for what HE wants, and against the restrictions this ruling places on HIS choices for HIS life. (A summer spent with you at age 16–working, perhaps? bagging groceries at the local grocery store in YOUR neighborhood?–could provide him with a huge boost to get away from the dysfunction and to see how the rest of the world works. If he had a plan like that, I can’t see how the courts coudl argue against him. Note: him, not you, not parents or grandparents. Him. This is his life, and restricting his travel is something he’ll be able to increasingly argue against as unfair to HIM.) If you move back, you won’t be able to provide that sort of stability, alternate-relative surroundings. Just something to think about. And of course, maybe you can go on vacation in-state! It would still be a concentrated dose of time with you to build that relationship.
neverjaunty* July 22, 2017 at 8:20 pm If you’re there, you will not be proving stability. You will be sucked into the drama and miserable. You will be a living example to your nephew that there is no way out; even you, the one who got away, came back. You will not be able to have texts or chats from Somewhere Else and you will not have a place he can go visit.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 9:40 am Agreed. There are more of them than there are of you. The odds are stacked against you.
Toxic Relative Survivor* July 23, 2017 at 10:18 pm +1111111. If there’s truly no way out of the guardianship situation now (I’m mildly skeptical, but what do I know), have him come to you the instant he turns 18.
Perse's Mom* July 23, 2017 at 1:11 pm From the sound of it, there’s not much of anything you can do for the vast majority of your family – addicts need to WANT help (you offered, she decline), you can’t cure their poverty by beggaring yourself, and unless you convince your mother to move in with you in your current town, you can’t alter her situation enough to significantly ease her burden. On the other hand, have you considered or explored the possibility of trying to gain custody of your nephew yourself? If neither of his parents are considered qualified by the state, perhaps the state would be happy to have a close relative who lives well outside of and away from the ugly situation raise him? It would maybe complicate relationships with other members of the family (though some of them might be grateful, too!), but it sounds like you’re pretty well immunized from all but the guilt simply by being so far away, and it would benefit your nephew SO MUCH to be with someone who loves him and prioritizes his well being and can provide for him.
Jean (just Jean)* July 23, 2017 at 9:47 pm This might work out well for the nephew–if it’s also truly workable for you, Homeward Bound. Maybe a good social worker or family lawyer can advise you re what to expect, how to prepare for it, and maybe even whether there’s any financial help available…? Perhaps it would give your relatives (other than the nephew’s father) some comfort to know that he is with family rather than strangers…but I could be way off the mark here. All I know about addiction is that it can produce badly tangled thinking. (So can depression.) I also want to send you good wishes, and to second Perse’s Mom’s comment that “you can’t cure their poverty by beggaring yourself.” I would add that this should mean both financially and emotionally beggaring yourself. You can’t destroy yourself trying to save other people.
As if* July 22, 2017 at 12:12 pm I used to live on the other side of the country from my family. It was too far. I now live about 2.5 hours away and it works well. I can drive over for the day, and I do so about once a month. But I’m far enough away to avoid the drama. I also second the suggestion for boundary setting. I used EAP through work for a few sessions with a therapist to help me process what boundaries I needed, and strategies for enforcing them. It’s hard to be away from family, but I hope these responses encourage you to think of alternatives to hometown vs. 12 hours away.
Nynaeve* July 22, 2017 at 12:36 pm 1. Aside from your family situation, do you like your hometown? What are the work opportunities like? Do you like the neighborhoods? Does it have the types of entertainment and shopping options you prefer? 2. In an ideal world where you get to choose, how much contact, and what kinds of contact, do YOU want with your family? It sounds like you want more contact than you have now. What do you miss? Parties and get-togethers? Conversations? Hanging out? Updates on family news? Maybe you could send postcards or schedule calls every couple of weeks. Maybe find a new job that would allow you to attend more of the reunions. Maybe host a picnic at a park halfway between your respective cities, if transportation would be feasible for them. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing situation. Compromise is a part of life. Just don’t feel like you have to be the only one doing the compromising.
Toxic Relative Survivor* July 23, 2017 at 10:22 pm “It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing situation. Compromise is a part of life. Just don’t feel like you have to be the only one doing the compromising” With due respect, “compromise is a part of life” is wonderful if you have a normal family. With mentally ill relatives, it’s quite different (and really, in all honesty I wish you’d bone up on what survivors of toxic family situations go through before you offer platitudes like this). No contact or very little contact — not “compromise” — is often the best solution in these cases. And if likes her current job, she should DEFINITELY not be “finding a new job” to inject herself into the drama. OP, you ESCAPED from this situation. You have nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary, that’s something to be PROUD of.
Sam Foster* July 22, 2017 at 3:40 pm What am I missing? I see nothing compelling about your family that you would want to spend time with them. I understand if you are missing intimate bonds to worthwhile people but you should find those elsewhere instead of hoping your family can be that. Regardless, you’re already unhappy even considering this, it’ll only get worse from here if you choose to pursue it.
Temperance* July 22, 2017 at 5:49 pm What do YOU want to do? This doesn’t sound like something that will make you happy, just something you might do out of guilt. What are your career prospects there? Will you be forced to become a caregiver? Will you have opportunities for friendships and romantic relationships there?
Nana* July 22, 2017 at 6:15 pm One thing I find helpful is to sit down, calm down…and try to picture your life in five years. Where would you like to be, both physically and emotionally, at that time. What kind of relationship would you like to have with them in five years? How much responsibility (physical, emotional, financial)?
nonegiven* July 22, 2017 at 6:25 pm You have to live where you can work. If you want to be closer but you’re afraid of getting too close, look for work in a larger city that’s close enough you can visit more often but not so close that you have to visit every weekend. My son thinks he has just the right distance. He comes up for 3 day weekends, Thanksgiving and Christmas. He isn’t really close enough to drive up every weekend, it would be have dinner, hang out, go to bed, get up, have breakfast and get back on the road. Not really worth the trip.
buzzbattlecat* July 23, 2017 at 1:34 am Captain Awkward has some wonderful, detailed advice about boundaries, families and self care.
Peanut* July 23, 2017 at 3:52 am Hometown Bound, I have read through the 38 comments, from others (100% against your moving back home) and your responses, and it struck me that perhaps you are seeing a return home as being greeted with thanks and praise by your family. You sound sure that you will be personally unhappy if you return; you also sound like you think that is an acceptable sacrifice, in order to exchange their guilt trips on you for their approval. Listen carefully, Hometown Bound: no matter what choice you make, it will never be the right one for your family. You will never be doing enough. You could give and give, and they will still want more. Don’t believe me? Try this: instead of moving back home, for one year just live the 6 hours away. You have halved your distance to them, so double your usual number of visits. Heck, triple them or more – visit home once or twice every two months, instead of every two years. Is your increased engagement with your family greeted with thanks and happiness? I think it won’t be, and that instead you’ll get deep sighs and, “if only you could be around all the time.” Moving back home will not make them happy and satisfied. It will only make you unhappier.
Hometown Bound?* July 23, 2017 at 10:50 am I actually don’t think there will be anything like thanks and praise. That simply isn’t how we operate. But I think I would feel less guilty because at least I’d be there? Trying to help?
Bibliovore* July 23, 2017 at 11:04 am So the question is…why the crippling guilt? Why do you think you are the one who can “fix” this situation? Your super power seems to be empathy. Can you take vacation time and give your mom respite from caretaking? Can you throw some money at the situation? How old is the nephew? Can you set up a fund to help with his health and educational needs?
Bagpuss* July 24, 2017 at 4:30 am I can understand the impulse, but like others, I think you would be sacrificing your own peace of mind and happiness and in a ll probability, you wouldn’t significantly improve things for other family members. Also, bear in mind that as things stand (and also if you move to the 6 hour distant city) you are setting an example for your younger family members. You are showing them that there is a way out of the poverty and other issues, that it is possible to succeed and move on. I think that’s a valuable thing. I don’t see anything in your posts saying that you want to go back, just that you feel you should. I think that there is a real risk that if you do move back, you are going to end up feeling resentful and unhappy because you’ve sacrificed yourself , and even if your family have not explicitly asked you to go back, you’re likely to feel resentful of them because they are why you moved. I’d suggest that you move to the nearer city so you can visit more frequently, but don’t move back to your old hometown. Consider whether there ware things you can do to help your family, as you clearly feel that you should – this might involve (for instance) paying for help such as respite care or cleaning, to give you Mom a break, or allow her to visit you (and if necessary supporting her to encourage your grandfather to allow her to accept that help), inviting relatives to visit you. (If you move to the 6 hours away city, would that be in state?) You were unhappy going back for a visit. Don’t put yourself in the position of moving back full time,. It won’t get better.
Toxic Relative Survivor* July 23, 2017 at 10:24 pm “Listen carefully, Hometown Bound: no matter what choice you make, it will never be the right one for your family. You will never be doing enough. You could give and give, and they will still want more.” Bingo. This is absolutely how narcissists operate.
Anonymous Prostate* July 23, 2017 at 11:01 am I, too, read all the comments here. I do not mean to “pile on”, but it feels like you need support for not moving back. I think you really don’t need help deciding whether or not to move back. You need help coping with the guilt you’re feeling about deciding not to move back. Trying to be objective: – if you move back, you will not be enhancing your ability to help them. – if you move back, you’ll be unhappy. Perhaps profoundly unhappy. Belle De Vedremo mentioned putting on your own oxygen mask first. I believe that is a completely apt metaphor. – You mentioned that moving back might damage your close relationship with your grandfather. Frankly, this alone would count as a very good reason to not move back. I think I understand your sense of obligation to your family – I’ve been shocked to see how casually some people will cut off a relative over something trivial. But that is not the case here with you. Honestly? I think you need to find a friend or counselor who will help you deal with the guilt that is being dumped on you. And perhaps this friend can help you develop an effective plan for you to help your family that does not require your unhappiness. Again: you’ve asked whether or not to move back, but I think the answer is a fairly obvious “no”. I think the real issue is that you need support for making a correct but unpopular decision. Good luck with this.
Windchime* July 23, 2017 at 1:33 pm Counseling is a great idea. I have a family situation that is very similar to yours, HB. I have a mentally ill, drug-addicted sister, another sister who has been sponging off our elderly parents for years, and a drug-addicted nephew who is in and out of jail, steals, lies, punches holes in walls, and doesn’t see or support his preschool children. It’s a huge mess. I used to try to help with money, support, listening to the endless sad stories and excuses on the phone, etc. But not any more. There isn’t enough love or money in the world to fix this problem. If love were enough to fix my sister or my nephew, they’d have been fixed long ago. If money were enough, they’d all be stable and working and contributing to society. I realized that parts of my family are like drowning people who are compelled to stay in the deep water; if I go out to try to save them, I will be pulled under as well. And because the constant drama of being around people like this is so exhausting, it’s possible that I would be of no help shortly after arriving. I understand the feelings of guilt. I struggle with it daily. But as others have said, maybe your way of helping will be to make arrangements for social services or treatment or whatever. But no matter how much love and money you pour into this situation, it will never be enough. And that’s a sad truth.
Ruthie Rather Not* July 22, 2017 at 10:23 am We have to put a new roof on our house and I’m feeling so bummed that we can’t use that money for something more fun – like upgrading our kitchen or bathroom. Anyone have any tips on how not to be resentful about things that have to get done?
self employed* July 22, 2017 at 10:34 am Sounds silly, but reframe it with gratitude. I’m grateful I have the money to put on a new roof! Yes, it would be more fun to do something else, but it would be worse to go into debt for it…
Bibliovore* July 22, 2017 at 10:42 am yes. often my list of gratitudes consist of – I have a roof over my head food in the fridge and clean clothes to wear
nep* July 22, 2017 at 2:29 pm Amen. Same. I say every day — hey, I woke up and I’m getting around fine. House. Food. Grateful.
TootsNYC* July 22, 2017 at 2:51 pm in that list of things to be grateful for: Be grateful that you found out about fixing the roof now, and not later when the roof beams and ceiling beams had rotted. And one last thing: You can’t slap a new coat of paint on a roof and fix what’s wrong with it. And few of us can do the repairs to a roof ourselves. But you can freshen the bathroom w/ new paint or new fixture, and a kitchen with new appliances or a new set of kitchen towels. Some people can even learn how to set tile themselves, and do a new backsplash, a new floor, or maybe even their entire bathroom.
Nx* July 22, 2017 at 7:25 pm My sweetie taught himself to lay tile through research online and YouTube videos. A lot of how-to stuff is more accessible than ever before.
nonegiven* July 22, 2017 at 6:48 pm You have the money to put on a new roof without having to take a loan.
blackcat* July 22, 2017 at 10:59 am I’m still upset about spending 5k on a sill plate. At least a roof is something you can look at…. So, no, no tips. Just commiseration.
blackcat* July 22, 2017 at 11:53 am No, that’s the cost of having the house put up on jacks, a giant, rotted, giant piece of wood taken out, a bit of foundation repair, a new, giant piece of wood put in, and better drainage done around that side of the house to avoid a recurrence of the problem. Most of the costs was labor (carpenter, masons), and that was a level of home repair that we really needed experts. It actually wasn’t that bad compared to some prices I saw online.
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 12:17 pm Aha. I figured it probably was a domino-effect thing, but I didn’t realize that “sill plate” was the technical term for that big ol’ horizontal piece of framing. That makes more sense.
Thlayli* July 22, 2017 at 11:05 am My husband once said to me when I was freakin’ about house stuff “it is not in the nature of a house to ever be finished”. When I was freaking about wedding stuff he said “its in the nature of a wedding for things to go wrong”. I can’t really articulate why but for some reason Both of those things made me stress far less.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 12:09 pm It’s the change in expectations. Houses break. Cars break. Weddings have things go wrong. When we change our expectations to include what really does happen, instead of looking at some ideal, we can let go of that ideal easier. My husband was a techie. He said when you buy a machine LOOK around first to see who will be repairing it. Machines break, that is what they do. It’s nice to have a good machine, but it’s critical to have a good repair person/department. I loved this because like you are saying here, I calmed right down about making major purchases.
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 12:18 pm This is so true, and so hard to internalize. I think it’s also really easy also to assume that “perfect” is the general norm so that we’re being particularly hard done by to deal with imperfection, when in reality nobody’s experience is flawless.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 6:49 pm Am chuckling. Sometimes I think all of life is a test, “How well do you handle it when things do not go the way they should?”
danr* July 22, 2017 at 11:23 am For the roof, think of all the rain that won’t be dripping or pouring into the house. It’s a grin and bear it situation. You’ll do the other renovations next year. :)
Mela* July 22, 2017 at 11:43 am Do you plan on selling in the next 10 years? Resale value? Knowing it’s done and it’ll be good to go for the next 20+ years?
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 12:24 pm I hope this helps. I live in a 180 school house. School houses are famous for being slapped together and having all kinds of problems later on. My poor school house needed all kinds of help. So much so I did not know how to prioritize the work. My friend, who is contractor, had this pearl: There is a hierarchy, pecking order to repairing homes. You start with the foundation, make sure it is solid and make sure the beams under the house are solid. This is because there is no point to remodeling anything if the house is shifting around because of a bad foundation. Then you go to the roof. This is because there is absolutely no point in doing inside repairs/renovations if you have rain coming in on the new work. He also braced the roof in places that it needed help. We can’t see money we did not waste. If you repaired the bathroom and later found it raining in the bathroom you would realize how much money just got wasted on the repair. Take pride in knowing that future renovations are protected by a good roof. Your contractor should be able to tell you how long the roof will last, 25 years? maybe longer. And there should be a warranty on the work. So if you have a problem within a year you can get it repaired for free. If you do have a problem BE SURE to call him back. This is part of how you get the most value for your dollars spent. If you think of house repair as a check list and think of it as working down a check list it might make things easier for you.
Gaia* July 22, 2017 at 12:24 pm Well, if you spent the money on a kitchen instead of a roof, think of how ruined your fancy new kitchen would be when the roof failed?
kms1025* July 22, 2017 at 12:57 pm Look at it this way…if you did your kitchen, or any other interior makeover, your bad roof would ruin it. You’ve got to secure the outside before you can improve the inside.
TootsNYC* July 22, 2017 at 2:45 pm If you ever sell, you can say, “new roof!” Which could translate into a higher price, or a faster sale. And remember that you are preserving the integrity of the structure itself. So it’s like you’re taking care of a serious health problem, but not buying jewelry.
TootsNYC* July 22, 2017 at 2:53 pm Can you find something inexpensive but fun to do in either of those rooms? A fresh coat of paint, maybe in a new color, or new kitchen towels? Something that -seems- splurgy but isn’t? Or something low-level splurgy? Like a new backsplash, or an inexpensive but not-dinged counter?
Ruthie Rather Not* July 22, 2017 at 2:59 pm Thank you all for the great advice. Shifting perspective helps, and a little splurge to freshen up the rest will help too!
Lady Bug* July 22, 2017 at 10:22 pm When I had to get a new oil burner, I took pictures of it and demanded my friends tell me it was pretty. I also made a few look at it when they visited to tell me it was pretty. At least you can see a roof when you are outside. Go up and hang out on it once and awhile (if its one story). It’ll be a new outdoor space!
TootsNYC* July 23, 2017 at 6:57 pm Bonus: Some of your friends may need the information or background you provide. But yes, treat it like the major achievement it is–something to be proud of. Look at you–you are like 1950s homeowners!
Not So NewReader* July 24, 2017 at 7:01 pm Your oil burner is GORGEOUS! Wow. What a great oil burner! ;) I just got a new one too. Yeah. I had to put in a new chimney liner… then I found the oil tank was leaning…. You know what, I have a GORGEOUS oil burner also! ha! It’s going to reduce my heating costs by 40%. This will be my oil burner’s Christmas present to me every year.
This too shall pass* July 22, 2017 at 10:32 am So I have been diagnosed with shingles. It was caught early. The meds worked but I still have debilitating pain. The medical advice is to take pain meds and avoid stress. So the weekend is sitting on the porch reading the new Michael Connelly and AAM. Big work stuff coming up next week. Trying to stay in today. Any light netflix or hulu recommendations? I like tv shows like law and order and ncis, but not criminal minds. I like science fiction but don’t have the patience or attention span to catch up on Dr. Who. I loved shows like Eureka and Warehouse 13. Is there anything new like those shows or old that I might have missed.
CityMouse* July 22, 2017 at 10:45 am SciFi: Stargate SG1 – occasionally dark, but often a more fun Sci-Fi show. The tone is significantly different from the movie it’s a spinoff of, you might consider just reading the plot of it on Wikipedia. A lot of “planet of the week” episodes. Dark Matter – against sometimes dark, but mostly fun science fiction show about a group of people who wake up on a spaceship having lost their memories. Mysteries: Psych – People are pretty divided on this, you either find the main character annoying or not. But a very silly mystery show. Death in Paradise – Very light fluffy BBC murder mystery series that takes place in the Caribbean.
Detective Amy Santiago* July 22, 2017 at 11:02 am Atlantis is a bit less intimidating than SG1 since it’s only 5 seasons of 20 episodes each.
Bibliovore* July 22, 2017 at 11:08 am Stargate is right on the money. I have seen them all years ago but might be just what I need for short attention span and distraction
CityMouse* July 22, 2017 at 3:25 pm True, I’d just be slightly concerned that it relies on a bit too much knowledge of SG1. But I do enjoy that show.
Turtlewings* July 22, 2017 at 12:46 pm Ooh, seconding this! Also Brooklyn-99, which is on Hulu. Cop show, very light-hearted and funny, can be surprisingly deep. I think of it as “Scrubs for cops.”
TootsNYC* July 22, 2017 at 2:54 pm thirding! Intelligent, and a mental puzzle, but not especially taxing. and fun!
CorruptedbyCoffee* July 23, 2017 at 3:59 pm It took me 3 episodes to get into the swing of miss fisher, but then I loved it. I can’t wait for the movies :)
Detective Amy Santiago* July 22, 2017 at 11:01 am Sliders is an old 90s show that is fun. It’s about a group of people who end up transporting themselves to alternate universes, but they are always in San Francisco in the same year. There’s one where the US never got independence and one where Germany won WW2 and all sorts of other ‘what if’ type situations. Bones is pretty similar tone-wise to NCIS. Mysteries of Laura was also a good, if short-lived, detective show.
Bibliovore* July 22, 2017 at 11:40 am oh, Sliders- I have only seen a few of these. Going to pull those up right away.
Rebecca* July 22, 2017 at 11:09 am Love Michael Connelly! I’ve listened to the entire Bosch series (plus the Mickey Haller and Terry McCaleb books), and am more than half done with “The Late Show”. There’s a new Bosch novel coming out in October, BTW. Have you tried John Sandford’s Virgil Flowers series?
Bibliovore* July 22, 2017 at 12:26 pm I don’t read a lot of “non-work” material. My go to are dog mysteries- I started with Susan Conant. Loved Carol Lea Benjamin. I look forward to every Chet and Bernie mysteries. Also David Rosenvelt.
Awkward Interviewee* July 22, 2017 at 11:49 am White Collar and The Grinder are on Netflix and have a crime/law theme with comedic twists.
LNLN* July 22, 2017 at 12:14 pm Dectectorists, Schitt’s Creek, Dramaworld are all funny shows. River and Occupied are both dramas but very absorbing.
Thursday Next* July 22, 2017 at 2:32 pm I loved Occupied (on Netflix in US), but I wouldn’t consider it light… BUT, if you political intrigue/drama and don’t mind subtitles (its a Norwegian show), I think it’s one of the best shows I’ve seen.
Cookie D'oh* July 22, 2017 at 12:38 pm I think X-Files is still on Netflix. Maybe the Star Trek TV shows?
Saturnalia* July 22, 2017 at 4:35 pm Ohhh the star trek tv shows! I rewatch TNG and DS9 to death. I find them visually/auditorally soothing, and with TNG you get the extra bonus of a hopeful future, where it’s just a given that humans are always trying to be their best selves. That is refreshing. My other recs are Master of None on Netflix, which has decent social commentary from a millenials perspective, and The Good Place on Hulu, which is better than I expected, just very light and clever humor.
Requisite* July 22, 2017 at 1:25 pm Leverage appears to be on Hulu (I’m not in the US so I have the DVD box set), and it’s one of my favourite shows. A team of bad guys become the good guys, fighting corporate injustice and helping people. It’s a lot of fun.
Chameleon* July 22, 2017 at 5:24 pm Second Leverage! It is a really fun show. Also, Agent Carter and Agents of Shield are a lot of fun (but I wish the writers would give FitzSimmons a break already)
gingerblue* July 23, 2017 at 2:49 pm Leverage is officially The Best. This Too Shall Pass, if you’re up for animated stuff, Steven Universe is SF and both light and fun and much chewier than it seems at first. Episodes are only half of a normal 30-min slot, so they’re great for when your attention span is low.
MommaCat* July 22, 2017 at 3:02 pm The Librarians is awesome, and only 3 seasons. Librarians working to keep magical items out of the hands of the general populace.
Sled Dog Mama* July 22, 2017 at 3:26 pm Not that you asked about this but are you able to get lidocaine patches for the pain? There are prescription ones and you can also get OTC. When I was recovering from my last bout of shingles (yep I’ve had it multiple times) those were a life saver in helping to keep the pain manageable. I love SG1 and never could get into Atlantis. If you can deal with a show that ends on a cliff hanger I really liked Stargate Universe.
This too shall pass* July 22, 2017 at 7:16 pm I have 4% lidocaine cream and another formulation of gel. And prescription NSAID. The pain is an interior band behind my bellybutton and stretches around to my lower back. On the pain scale of constant distraction and annoyance, a 5 when I do the meds, an 8 and half when they run out. Ice packs work a bit. I have had them twice before so I kinda new immediately what was going on and got the anti virals right away. So this isn’t the worst. Just trying to rest and de stress.
Anono-me* July 22, 2017 at 8:18 pm Can you stagger the different meds, so that only one wears off at a time? Ps.I really liked The Commish, The Closer, and New Tricks.
Sled Dog Mama* July 23, 2017 at 8:51 am Ugh, that sounds exactly like my last round. Sorry that the meds aren’t helping more.
Kathenus* July 22, 2017 at 3:38 pm I have so much empathy for you, I’ve had shingles and it was really, really not fun. I’m currently re-watching The West Wing from the beginning. I’ve always loved it, and probably know most episodes by heart, but it’s a great way to take a break from today’s political climate and go into fantasyland of what could be. Hope you feel better soon.
This too shall pass* July 22, 2017 at 7:17 pm Kathenus- I have been listening to the West Wing podcast. Have you heard it? I find it really really soothing.
Kathenus* July 22, 2017 at 8:17 pm Coincidentally someone just told me about this yesterday. I haven’t looked into it yet but am planning on it. Thanks!
WellRed* July 22, 2017 at 6:52 pm I am watching this now. I’m a few episodes into seadon 3. Is it worth continuing? Kinda tired of dead young women and angsty angry teenagers.
Vancouver Reader* July 23, 2017 at 12:22 pm I have to say, seasons 1 and 2 were way better, I think because it was still Veeena Sud in control. If you stick it out, she writes the final episode in season 4, but, if you’re like me, you will be yelling at the tv a few times prior to that.
Engineer Girl* July 22, 2017 at 9:22 pm Troll hunters is technically a kids show but lots of fun. Jokes and Easter eggs abound. It’s great for binge watching. Seconding on Miss Fisher and Death in Paradise. Don’t forget Sherlock.
Engineer Girl* July 22, 2017 at 9:53 pm Hmm. My first comment didn’t appear? I enjoyed Trollhunters. It’s a family show but well written. Lots of Easter eggs and jokes. Great for binge watching. Seconding Miss Fisher, Death in Paradise, and adding Sherlock.
Anonymouse for this* July 23, 2017 at 12:56 pm Hope you feel better soon Not sure if these are on hulu or netflix – vpn detecting software means I can no longer access Hulu :0( Murder mysteries Grantchester Prime Suspect Tennison Father Brown Lewis Endeavour (prequel to Inspector Morse) some of them are on PBS.
teclatrans* July 23, 2017 at 6:21 pm Haven was a bit like Eureka or Warehouse, but it’s super cheesy. I finally get the love for Bones, but the first seasons aren’t streaming. Fringe is an amazing Sci-fi series, but it spends most of first season acting like X files with a really wooden actress before diving deep and becoming this amazing story about parallel universes, with damn fine acting. I actually started about halfway through the first season (after rejecting the show based on early episodes) and highly recommend the approach if Olivia isn’t grabbing you. The Good Place is quality TV. Leverage is a heist show with a social conscience, amazing acting & writing, and I join all the others in recommending it. I loved-loved the Miss Fisher series, and went on to discover I love the audio books even more. (There are some significant differences between the books and TV series, and the books more explicitly explore class and race and sexuality in 20s Australia. The author is a legal aid lawyer and her dad was a Wobbly.) The Good Wife has great procedural and courtroom storylines while also exploring politics. It’s not the type of shoe I gravitate toward, but I got hooked.
firebolt* July 24, 2017 at 9:12 am OMG I love Miss Fisher but I had no idea there were books! Thank you!!!
ancolie* July 22, 2017 at 10:35 am I just wanted to say THANK YOU, ALISON! I had commented a few weeks ago about the ads and the problems I had since I’m always reading AAM from my phone instead of a full PC (bottom anchor ads layering on each other, x buttons that have to be tapped 10+ times, ads that still open a tab when I close them) and how it’s hard to fill out the ad problem form on mobile, etc. But the last few weeks, I’ve noticed that 95% of bottom anchor ads have a nice long button saying CLOSE instead of x and they all close perfectly. Thank you so much! It really means a lot that you care about the ad experience of readers and work to improve it*. * unlike other sites I go to ::cough cough SDMB cough cough::
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 22, 2017 at 1:21 pm Oh, that’s great. I’m going to pass this along to my ad network people, since they’ve put a ton of work into trying to track down and fix problems. (The crazy redirect problem from the last two months has also been fixed; they’ve developed some entirely new technology to block them.) Thanks!
Aimee* July 22, 2017 at 1:29 pm Oh, you’re so lucky! It keeps hijacking my browser with a KFC ad that takes over the whole page and WILL. NOT. CLOSE. It’s driving me nuts.
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 22, 2017 at 1:35 pm Try clearing your cache and cookies. Also, if you’d be willing to send me a screenshot of what you’re seeing, I can have that ad entirely blocked; they’re not supposed to do that and I can get them kicked off.
amanda_cake* July 23, 2017 at 8:04 am I agree! I tend to read Ask a Manager from my phone and it has gotten better. I have decided it is way better to navigate comments from the computer, however.
Mela* July 22, 2017 at 10:44 am Question for single and dating people! If you came across this on a dating profile, what would your first reaction be? “Happily married, but my style of dating looks remarkably similar to that of a single person.” I’m polyamorous, and am trying to find a quick descriptor for my online dating profile to convey the general idea that even though I’m married, a second partnership is absolutely on the table for any new partners. I’ll explain it more in depth at later stages, but I’m looking for a sentence or two that gives them the general gist. I don’t want to say something like “open to anything from a one night stand to a life partner is on the table” because even though that’s true, I don’t want to attract men looking only for one night stands.
Jenny* July 22, 2017 at 10:57 am I’m not single, but I don’t know if that conveys what you’re going for. Why not state it more like you did it later in your post: “even though I’m married, a second partnership is absolutely on the table for any new partners”?
But first, coffee* July 22, 2017 at 11:01 am Why not just say that you’re polyamorous? Even though my dating profile strictly says no hookups, I still get guys that message me and ask about going out of a night. There’s no way around it. But maybe something like “polyamorous but with some boundaries” or ground rules or limitations is a little more upfront. Just my two cents.
Blue Anne* July 22, 2017 at 11:12 am Yes, wait… Mela, are you not actually saying on your profile that you’re poly? I had assumed that line was trying to explain your dating style in addition to an “I am poly” statement, but…?
Mela* July 22, 2017 at 11:31 am No no, this is in addition to the “I’m polyamorous” statement. And I know you can’t avoid it entirely, but I’ve been online dating for 5+ years, and if you name anything explicit like that, the sexual messages increase dramatically. The reason I don’t want to leave it my normal “I’m polyamorous/non-monogamous and keep it ethical, consensual and responsible.” is because unbenownst to me, a lot of people assumed married + polyamorous is very different than what I do, poly and single alike. The poly people are used to talking about specifics, I just want a quick way to signal to single/otherwise mono people that it won’t be like that.
Detective Amy Santiago* July 22, 2017 at 11:03 am That description would not give me the impression of polyamory.
Thlayli* July 22, 2017 at 11:07 am I agree – It sounds more to me like someone looking for an affair. I think you will have to explicitly say you are in an open relationship/polyamorous
Blue Anne* July 22, 2017 at 11:10 am I’m also poly. If I read that line, unfortunately, I’d assume that you were an ostensibly monogamous person looking for an affair, and skip your profile. My profile is linked to my fiance’s. It also mentions that I’d love to settle down with a couple of spouses and a picket fence, but will never give up flings. :)
Blue Anne* July 22, 2017 at 11:14 am Okay, actually, at the risk of outing myself, this is the poly-blurb on my profile: “I am polyamorous. Honesty makes me hot and ultimatums make me angry. I have a fiance who I’m obviously deeply in love with. He is not on this continent yet, boo! But his profile is linked to mine here. We are making plans for him to move to the USA! I’m now dating someone in Ohio too. I would love to settle down with a few spouses and a picket fence, but I don’t think I’ll ever give up flings. Poly does not mean that I’m up for casual sex. I also don’t date couples.” It has worked out pretty well for me, no one has been confused about what I’m looking for/open to.
Mela* July 22, 2017 at 11:36 am Aw I love that blurb! I don’t have a clear vision of the future like you do, I’m not even sure I’ll ever want to properly settle down in one city! But for the right person, both my husband and I are open to do almost anything to allow the right person to stick around (including getting divorced and re-marrying the new partner for visa reasons). But I don’t really want to say that since that’s pretty intense for a dating profile.
Misquoted* July 23, 2017 at 5:17 pm I think that’s a great profile — honest, specific enough but not too specific, and sets some boundaries nice and early.
The Cosmic Avenger* July 22, 2017 at 11:12 am I get it, and it’s good to get that out up front, but I’m getting stuck on the “looks” and “single person” parts. I’d be wondering why it looks that way, and which single person? I think it feels more direct to say that your “style of dating is remarkably similar to when I was single.” Or, if you feel like you weren’t that typical when you were single, maybe “to that of the average single person”. I think it’s pretty good, but if people are looking with a critical eye, you don’t want to be too vague or people might worry you’re trying to hide something. Ironic, since you’re being very up front about it, which is why I think it would be good to make sure your phrasing is unambiguous. Good luck!
overeducated* July 22, 2017 at 11:56 am Yeah, I think the reference you’re trying to make to “a single person” is too broad to be helpful, since I know single people with wildly different dating styles. It sounds from the comments like you are trying to avoid some kind of misconception about poly people, but without being part of that subculture I have no idea what you’re contrasting here. You might have to keep it specific about the kinds of interactions you’re looking for.
FDCA In Canada* July 22, 2017 at 11:19 am It’s a little confusing–a single person might be looking strictly for hookups or only long-term relationships with no messing around. Why not just say it flat out–you’re poly, married, and open to dating both casually and seriously? As it stands it looks a bit like someone looking for a cheating partner.
all aboard the anon train* July 22, 2017 at 11:21 am Honestly, it’d sketch me out enough that I’d pass. It sounds like you’re looking to have an affair. I’ve seen enough profiles that say something like “I’m poly, my current partner is poly/know I’m poly/knows I’m looking for a second relationship. Looking for relationships, not one night stands”. I like people to be upfront and honest, not coy. The more coy someone tries to be, the more I think they have something to hide.
Mela* July 22, 2017 at 11:40 am Ack, I knew I was missing something when I hit post! But just to clarify, this statment is in addition to a general “I’m polyamorous” statement, my profile is linked to my husband’s etc. No sketchiness here! The potential life partnership was just an example, but it’s meant to include a range of things people assume married folks generally don’t do: sleepovers, travel with other partners, no restrictions in general on my behavior, at least not from my spouse.
neverjaunty* July 22, 2017 at 8:24 pm “Dates like a single person”, to me, reads as “any time I meet a new potential partner, I ignore my spouse and leave them at home while I run around with the new fling.” Which is not what you’re going for!
Mela* July 23, 2017 at 2:06 am But that is what I’m going for! haha Aside from a general safety check (which is usually but not always with my husband) during online first dates, I do pretty much ignore my spouse! That’s exactly what I’m trying to convey =) Lots of poly people need to “check in” in general, or to get permission to do certain things, or go certain places. That’s not how our marriage works; we’re individual people with our own lives outside of our relationship. Obviously if there’s an emergency or something, sure, but those interruptions would look exactly as if it were my mother or a friend with the emergency.
neverjaunty* July 23, 2017 at 7:51 am I don’t mean ignore in the sense of checking in on dates or vacations; I mean that there are people who, when they have a new relatoonship, basically ignore their spouse day to day and devote all their energy and time to the fun new person.
Mela* July 23, 2017 at 10:29 am Ah I see. That’s exactly the kind of unintended meaning I wanted to suss out from the non-poly population, so thank you!
Liz* July 22, 2017 at 12:11 pm To me that sentence conveys that you are cheating. Unless I wanted a sneak on the side kind of thing I would not click/swipe/read. If you said married and polyamorous or in an open relationship. Then I know more what you mean even though I will jave to ask more. For married but dating I would not ask, I just would run.
Sylvia* July 22, 2017 at 12:14 pm If the rest of the profile doesn’t explicitly say “poly” or “open relationship,” I wouldn’t want to be the “other woman.” If it does say “polyamory,” I want to know what kind of interaction, if any, is expected between me and your other partner. This was a dealbreaker between me and someone I was very much interested in, who was in a poly relationship with someone I wasn’t particularly a fan of.
Dan* July 22, 2017 at 12:16 pm Since you posed this to single and dating people… It’s not a lifestyle I understand, so I’d pass.
Nynaeve* July 22, 2017 at 12:52 pm As a single, non-poly person, I find the wording vague and a little sketchy. It reads very much like “looking for a piece on the side.” Which doesn’t actually sound like what you want, so the phrasing isn’t doing you any favors. Aside from that issue… There are so many ways to be single! I would have no idea what you meant and whether there would be long-term potential or not. Why not specify the types of dating relationships, behaviors, and goals you are (and especially aren’t) looking for? Like: “I’m open to casual, short-term dating and serious long-term dating potentially leading to a second partnership, but am not currently looking for one-night stands.” (The “not currently looking for” wording gives you a little wiggle room for one-night stands that happen spontaneously, but should cut down on messages from the subset of people who are looking for one-night stands, actually read profiles, and take the poster’s preferences seriously. So… not that much? ;-D)
Amtelope* July 22, 2017 at 1:13 pm I wouldn’t know what to make of that. I think it will work a lot better to be more specific; “I’m happily married and dating with my husband’s knowledge and consent. I’m interested in a second relationship more than in a one-night stand, and would love to eventually spend nights at your house and share vacations with you.” Or whatever it is you want to make it clear you’re open to doing.
AlaskaKT* July 22, 2017 at 3:09 pm Poly here, honestly that sentence sounds more “married but looking” than poly to me. And why do you have to explain again if you already state you’re poly? Mine reads: My husband and I are interested in possibly adding a long term girlfriend to our family in the future, so if you’re interested in that kind of arrangement drop a line and maybe we’ll get together to hang out sometime. — The basics are that we would like a partner in our relationship. I have no interest in a first wife/second wife kind of set up. — Not really interested in long distance or online anything for dating unless you plan on/are seriously considering moving to Alaska. I don’t think any once sentence conveys enough specifics at to your needs/boundaries. Especially with poly profiles I find laying out what I want and what I won’t find acceptable makes for a better dating experience. Good luck!
Sam Foster* July 22, 2017 at 3:41 pm Put it in black and white and make it super clear what you are looking for. Dating is hard enough without needing a secret decoder ring.
Persephone Mulberry* July 22, 2017 at 6:52 pm “My style of dating looks remarkably like that of a single person.” What does this even mean? Married or not, poly or not, it doesn’t really tell me anything useful about YOUR style of dating and what you’re actually looking for.
Bibliovore* July 22, 2017 at 11:06 am Best- My dog bounced back from having all her teeth removed and we are enjoying this beautiful summer day. Worst- I am feeling under the weather and resentful
Ramona Flowers* July 22, 2017 at 11:12 am Best: someone started a lunchtime board game club at work and it was so much fun – I think it’s going to be a monthly thing. Worst: it rained when I wore my new shoes, I got really stressed out this week for no apparent reason and one of my friends is driving me round the bend. But it’s okay.
Blue Anne* July 22, 2017 at 11:16 am Best: I got a snake! Her name is Mittens. Worst: I had a really nice date on Sunday with kisses and enthusiasm but he hasn’t answered my texts since. :/
Ramona Flowers* July 22, 2017 at 11:45 am Sorry to hear about your date. I love your snake’s name though! What kind is s/he?
The Cosmic Avenger* July 22, 2017 at 11:17 am Best: cleaning out the garage and the basement, and I found the home movies my parents took the 1970s that I thought my dad abandoned when he sold the house I grew up in! And we have most of the garage cleared out now, and I’m making yet another run to the dump soon. I expect the staff there will start greeting me by name soon. Worst: work stuff that I won’t go into, both because it’s the free-for-all and because I can’t say much without outing myself, but it’s more nerve-wracking-exciting than filling me with dread. But I can’t wait for things to settle down, I like my routine.
Countess Boochie Flagrante* July 22, 2017 at 12:06 pm BEST – Moving back to a M-F work schedule! 4x10s aren’t terrible necessarily, but working Saturdays is just not my bag. WORST – I forgot that yesterday was an energy savings day until the savings period already started… at which point I’d just put in a load of dishes to wash! Won’t be saving much on my bill this month…
Mallory Janis Ian* July 22, 2017 at 12:19 pm Best: I weeded some overgrown flower beds last weekend, and then I mowed a meditation labyrinth into the grass in my backyard. My son and I have both been using it for meditative walking; it finishes in a small seating area under our peach tree. Worst: Can’t think of anything; everything’s been pretty good this week.
Elizabeth West* July 22, 2017 at 8:38 pm Oh cool. I should do some walking meditation outside when it cools off. We did it today at dharma group, but we did it in a circle and I can’t stand walking that slow with people in front of me, so I bailed out after the first circuit and went back to my mat.
Mimmy* July 22, 2017 at 12:26 pm Best: Unexpectedly easy week at work because one of my most stress-inducing students was out. Worst: A good friend passed away Wednesday evening following a brief but devastating illness. Thankfully she is at peace and no longer in pain, but I am sad for my close friend, who was one of her best friends. Coming up that I’m nervous about: My center where I work is about to be overrun by teenagers!! If spending time with my nieces and nephews is any indication, I’m in for the potential for sensory overload! Yipes!
Heaven* July 22, 2017 at 1:00 pm Worst: Two months after an interview that was the exciting culmination of a couple of weeks of pursuit from a company that made me feel like an in-demand debutante, still zilch. A week after sending a gentle reminder email, emphasising that I understood hiring decisions often took longer than anticipated but an update would be greatly appreciated, still zilch… Giving up on that company, I think. Best: After even the briefest look around, I’ve found a bunch of opening for the exact same position (retail merchandising) at other companies with similar if not better reputations and have sent some more applications out, and bookmarked more that will be opening in the next couple of months.
Gem* July 22, 2017 at 1:19 pm Best and worst all in one: Fantastic leaving do, love all my coworkers, gonna miss the hell out of them. I didn’t buy a drink the entire night. I did not eat enough food, so I woke up this morning with the worst hangover – I was in bed until 12, then on the sofa since then. I’ve managed to eat dry biscuits and now half a pizza but I think that’s going to be the lot for today!
Chocolate Teapot* July 22, 2017 at 2:42 pm Best. Excellent holiday even though I had to get up early a few mornings for the excursions. Worst. Knowing there will be lots waiting for me when I get back to work on Monday.
Nana* July 22, 2017 at 6:26 pm PLEASE drink a lot of water. Part of post-drinking feeling bad is just plain old dehydration.
Elkay* July 22, 2017 at 3:04 pm Best: Friday night at the local comedy festival. Worst: Forced fun team building which I enjoyed less as it ran over the time I told them I had to leave.
MommaCat* July 22, 2017 at 3:15 pm Best and worst: went to GP, she agreed I have enough symptoms of ADHD to be referred to a psychologist for an evaluation. And when I got home, I immediately made the appointment for the psychologist instead of putting it off like I normally would, so yay me! But boo ADHD. But yay things in my life making more sense! Yeah, I’ve got mixed feelings.
Ramona Flowers* July 22, 2017 at 9:07 pm Mixed feelings are understandable. I hope the evaluation goes well.
Parenthetically* July 22, 2017 at 5:18 pm Best: just got back from our baby shower where a room full of lovely thoughtful friends brought us food and stuff from our registry which is now complete! Worst: got about 2 hours sleep last night because of excruciating pain/shakes/fever that it turned out was likely buildup of lactic acid from overdoing the nesting and then getting a massage.
Jules the First* July 22, 2017 at 5:26 pm Best: I had an awesomely empowering Friday at my thing-we-don’t-talk-about-on-weekends, which culminated in me treating myself to a brand new iPad (I have two weeks to decide if it deserves a place in my life, but so far, that’s a yes….) Worst: I got asked out yesterday, by a neighbour, which is not bad in and of itself, but because it’s been so long since I dated a guy, I didn’t twig that he had asked me out until I’d given him a really awkward non-answer and gotten in the lift. Total social skills fail. So not looking forward to having to explain that one when I see him next….
SpiderLadyCEO* July 22, 2017 at 5:36 pm BEST: House-sitting for my parents, so I have their pool and amenities all to myself :D WORST: The mic I just bought to record an audition due next week is making me sound weird.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 9:43 am Is the mic too close to something else? Sometimes moving a mic can fix a problem.
Lizabeth* July 22, 2017 at 6:06 pm Best: The SO is doing RAGBRAI for the week – cycling across the state of Iowa at the end of July and possible nasty weather for the 2nd time. Me? Nope, nope, nope…but I may reconsider and drive the car as personal SAG next time just for the food. Oh…the food Worst: While I’m happy to have a serious block of alone time I miss him :(
D.W.* July 22, 2017 at 6:57 pm Best: Pre-marital counseling with my fiancé this week was awesome, scary and eye opening! Worst: Trying to carefully navigate the minefields that are personal relationships with loved ones and friends. Currently in the valley of decision.
Elizabeth West* July 22, 2017 at 7:47 pm BEST: I got a reward for a free pizza from Alamo Drafthouse, so I think I’ll go see Dunkirk there. It’s not worth going to Alamo if I’m not going to eat (even for the awesome recliners), since it’s not that much different otherwise from watching a film at the regular cinema. WORST: I think I lost a couple of pounds–at least I feel like I did. I didn’t walk today because it was WAY too hot and my house has been hot and it’s taking a toll on me. I didn’t walk yesterday either. So of course, what do I do? Make dashboard cookies and eat them. :P
Red* July 22, 2017 at 8:56 pm BEST: I finally gave up and bought a pair of Birkenstocks, and they are 110% worth it. Most comfortable sandals I’ve ever worn. The Mayari style is even pretty decent looking. WORST: Dungeons and Dragons got cancelled this weekend for very understandable reasons, but it’s still a disappointment.
Mallory Janis Ian* July 22, 2017 at 9:43 pm Ha. I’ve also been thinking about giving up and getting a pair of birkenstocks: either Mayari or Gizeh.
Red* July 22, 2017 at 10:53 pm Dot it. I swear they are worth it. I hated sandals before I bought them on the recommendation of a friend, now I’m sad when I’m not wearing them
Elizabeth West* July 23, 2017 at 1:34 pm I had some, but they were too big. I want to try them again with a pair that actually fits. Because walking for a long long distance in the ill-fitting ones killed me.
Trixie* July 22, 2017 at 11:09 pm Best: OT hours this week and next with funds going towards training in the fall, then cc debt. Continue to help pack up house as family member moves to Big Town which has been our goal. Now can enjoy some privacy at home while looking for jobs in Big Town. Worst: Stressing about a work thing on Friday but will be so happy when 4pm rolls around and it’s done. Worst/Best: Eating way too much crap but started new smoothie recipe today! Starting is the biggest step for me.
Ruffingit* July 23, 2017 at 8:10 pm BEST: Vacation planning! WORST: Feeling really tired. Need more sleep.
New girl* July 22, 2017 at 11:01 am Anybody have suggestions of things of hobbies I could look into? My SO has been working a lot and friends aren’t always available. I find myself spending a lot of time watching tv and occasionally reading but I’ve become quite bored.
New girl* July 22, 2017 at 11:23 am I like being active and around people but I’m not great at meeting people or going alone to do things.
Anna* July 22, 2017 at 11:59 am I feel like meetup.com is your friend here. There are lots of low-key, low-stakes activities where you can be active and meet people at the same time. Hiking, boating, tree identification, sports, volleyball, whatever floats your boat.
Saturnalia* July 22, 2017 at 4:40 pm Hey new girl, no advice to share, but me too 100% on all of this stuff, and if you feel like it’s hard I hope it helps to know others are trying to figure this out too.
Yzma, Put Your Hands In The Air!* July 22, 2017 at 6:48 pm You can check out Groupon for some things you’d like to do! Around here they have a ton of options!
Thlayli* July 22, 2017 at 11:11 am I like to combine hobbies and life-improvement. Sports is both Hobby and exercise and if a team sport is also social Interaction. Making things you need or sell will save /make you money. Joining a club with social interaction can help make friends. Something like Red Cross/order of Malta ticks a lot of boxes – lots of social interaction/volunteery feelgood factor plus learn valuable first aid skills). Local am-dram if you’re outgoing. Painting if you’re not. Learn something you’ve always wanted to learn. The worlds your oyster – think about the kind of things that make you happy – long run happy not just happy for five mins.
hermit crab* July 22, 2017 at 11:43 am I always suggest this, but — volunteering! In my experience, even getting something on your calendar for a few hours a month can help you feel less bored. Also, maybe check out classes at a local community center/rec center/community college? The county where I live offers inexpensive adult-ed classes, and a lot of them are recreational/personal development-focused rather than academic (genealogy, cooking a specific type of cuisine, yoga, arts & crafts, etc.).
Cookie D'oh* July 22, 2017 at 12:42 pm I was also going to suggest volunteering. I started volunteering at a cat shelter recently. It’s a way to be around people, but since you’re busy doing tasks you don’t necessarily feel like you need to participate in a specific activity.
New girl* July 22, 2017 at 12:49 pm This is probably a weird question but how do you get into volunteering?
Cookie D'oh* July 22, 2017 at 1:16 pm I knew I wanted to volunteer at an animal shelter so I started searching for shelters in my area. From there I went to their websites to get more info about their programs. I attended an orientation session and then started coming in once a week. I have heard Junior League mentioned on Corporette, but I’m not sure how that works. I used to be a candy striper at a hospital when I was in high school. They might have opportunities for adults too. Or maybe search for volunteer opportunities in your city. There may be community organizations that need help. Good luck!
HannahS* July 22, 2017 at 2:33 pm For me, I would think of types of organizations or types of work I wanted to do (museums, hospitals) and then googled all the ones nearby. Most have a page dedicated to volunteers, and usually have a contact number/email and information. From there, I’d call/speak to someone, get more information (usually about time commitment) and then meet with a volunteer coordinator to be interviewed. Then, some kind of training or orientation. Attending info sessions (which many orgs have) can also help you get a sense of who the people you’ll be with are. When I volunteered at a museum, people were either in their 20s or 40s, but when I was at the hospital, most were retirees.
Pieforbreakfast* July 22, 2017 at 4:24 pm This may or may not be in other cities, but there’s a Portland organization called Hands-on Portland that’s like a clearing house for volunteer activities. It’s great if you want one day of volunteering (like helping at an event) but there’s also opportunities to find long term slots (like meals on wheels driving).
Bryce* July 23, 2017 at 8:02 pm I’ve used these guys when I was dealing with depression and looking for things to do, and it worked great. I could pick and choose what appealed to me on my good days without worrying about “what if I’m a mess next week?”
KatieKate* July 22, 2017 at 8:29 pm http://www.volunteermatch.org! Organizations post what they are looking for in terms of volunteers
Temperance* July 22, 2017 at 5:58 pm My favorite hobbies are extreme couponing, reading comics, gaming, and doing Sporcle. I’ve also got into Swagbucks lately. I’m an introvert, though. I’ve met some super cool women at craft beer meetups.
Mobuy* July 22, 2017 at 7:55 pm Indoor soccer is really fun. A lot of places have coed or all-women leagues that are low-pressure.
Teach* July 23, 2017 at 10:44 pm What about a handcraft of some sort? I like knitting, but crochet or embroidery are also fun and versatile. You can combine them with TV viewing or reading (audiobooks) when you have the basics down, and they are good for introverting (learning on the internet) or extroverting (find a yarn shop and take class or go to knitting groups.) Any stitching hobby provides mental challenge plus soothing repetitive motions and all the textures and colors to enjoy.
Bibliovore* July 22, 2017 at 11:03 am Maine travel suggestions? Flying in to Portland. Have a few days in Arcadia National Forest. Looking for a peaceful retreat within an hour an half drive of that. I am not a boat person- I get motion sickness. Would love a place to go with a pool.
Coming Up Milhouse* July 22, 2017 at 11:25 am Best: I finished my first week on weight watchers and lost 6 pounds! Worst: Connecticut is in a heat wave and I’m having trouble with the humidity
Coming Up Milhouse* July 22, 2017 at 11:26 am Look into places in Camden and Rockland Maine. Very casual resort like areas, some with pools.
WellRed* July 22, 2017 at 1:22 pm Bar Harbor is also nice, but this time of year, it’s all pretty tourist ridden so depends what you mean by peaceful retreat.
Eve* July 23, 2017 at 7:24 am I live in Portland so if you need suggestions in that area let me know. Portland has fantastic restaurants.
Belle di Vedremo* July 23, 2017 at 2:58 pm Ooh, if you’re back here can you give me some general info on Portland? What is it like as a place to live, how is the rental apt market, how “walkable” is it, and anything else you think should be answered? Applying for a job there right now. I’ll have more questions if this goes well, later. thanks!
namelesscommentater* July 23, 2017 at 6:09 pm I’ve only visited Portland but know lots who live there. It’s on my shortlist of places I would be willing to move back to in Maine. In short, it’s fabulous. The rents are high compared to more rural areas, but still way cheaper than NYC/SF. Lots of places are being renovated and put on the market – but there’s also a lot of competition for them! Parking can be a challenge, but most places come with at least one spot. City is easily walkable but things are a bit more spread out than NYCers might be used to. I’m not sure how good the public transit is. Great restaurants – Duck Fat is supposed to be great (but I’m a vegetarian so no fries for me…), Scratch in Cape Elizabeth has wonderful baked goods, and the various smaller cafes have always been great – even when just popping to the nearest one for a cup of coffee. I don’t think the city is that expensive. There’s a Trader Joes and Whole Foods, with prices in line with the rest of the country. There’s local farmer’s markets prices obviously vary. Like anywhere, there’s expensive food available, but there’s absolutely affordable stuff there too. There’s a comment above that discusses the culture of the state from Diluted_Tortiouse_Shell that you might be interested in. Portland is liberal and I think it’s the best thing about the city. I’m not doubting their experiences in the Maine workplace, but in my own, I’ve never assumed all with a southern accent are a gun toting confederate flag wearing idiots. I’ve never seen an unprovoked “Wow, that’s offensive” or “you must not believe the civil war happened” based on nothing but an accent. However, there is a very real North/South divide present in Maine, and we were not just taught about the civil war, but about how some southern states teach it as the “War of Northern Aggression.” And at least in my friend group, it’s inappropriate to wear the confederate flag, get married at a plantation, or refer to the civil war as the war of northern aggression, and that is quite hostile to people who don’t see those things as problematic. That being said, Maine is far from some bastion of racial equality. Maine’s governor, Paul Lepage, is not a representative any decent person wants. He has no professional boundaries, says outright racist things, abuses the power of his office. His words & actions are so incredibly offensive that I feel comfortable mentioning it in “politics free zones” because “Politics free” doesn’t mean that we don’t acknowledge racism. He’s on his way out, but there is damage there. Portland has not shifted politically in the same way district two has, but the state has lacked leadership for quite some time. Portland does have some tense history with their Somali Refugee Communities, but my understanding is that things are fairly amicable at this point.
Eve* July 24, 2017 at 12:10 am Send me an email at 36cupcakesforkate at gmail and I’ll be happy to answer anything :)
Belle di Vedremo* July 24, 2017 at 6:01 pm Thank you very much! I’m saving your email and will follow up if things go as I hope. Really appreciate it.
Bibliovore* July 23, 2017 at 10:20 pm If you see this… I would like to make a reservation to a nice restaurant for Sunday night to thank our hosts. Recommendations?
anonfrommdi* July 23, 2017 at 11:21 pm If Portland – Duck Fat. If near Acadia – (island side of things, I’m not so knowledgeable on the Sullivan side of things other than chose a place with a busy parking lot ;) ) Bar Harbor – Side Street, Cafe this Way & Lompoc are all fantastic, and often have live music available. McKay’s is also the go-to of many. The Blue Door is new and I haven’t been back since it opened, so I’d definitely look into it! XYZ is solid Mexican, but not in downtown Bar Harbor. And for some unsolicited MDI advice: Southwest & Northeast have tons of great lunch spots to grab a sandwich before going into the park. Colonel’s Deli in particular, though the absolute best food on the island is Mother’s Kitchen, a little shack on 102 with handmade sandwiches and limited hours (check them before hand and order ahead, because they work at maximum capacity for pretty much every open hour). Grab a sandwich, and head to Echo Lake. There’s Acadia Mountain across from the parking lot, very easy climb (if you’re out for a workout, you might plan to do it 2-3x). Climbing Acadia and then cooling off with a swim across the lake ending it all with a Mother’s Kitchen sandwich is pretty much the best afternoon in Acadia you can ask for. An afternoon at Sand Beach is definitely worth it. I’d skip Thunder Hole, honestly, and focus more on the mountains. The old fire tower is also a great, but easy, hike. Reel Pizza movie theater is definitely worth a night, and the village green is also a great meeting spot in town. Take advantage of the island explorer – parking in bar harbor is worse than in my major city adoptive home because there’s simply not enough spaces. Do bring a first aid kit on your hikes, even the easy ones. The number of times I’ve gashed open a leg on a tree branch is … a lot. You’ll be glad for a few band aids. I myself have yet to learn this lesson, despite the variety of scars on my legs from that damn fire tower trail. Eat all of the blueberries! For lobster – the pounds are all a dime a dozen, each family has their preference, it’s not really my scene, so your hosts will guide you to theirs if you want to do that. Enjoy! I’m clearly a little jealous ;)
salad fingers* July 24, 2017 at 7:04 pm Shoot, probably no one is here anymore but hike the Precipice if you like a little challenge! Other than being out on our hosts boat seal-spotting and lobster eating, that was my favorite part of MDI. Seconding the first aid part, too – broke my toe on one of our hikes. Also, probably obvious but wear proper footwear.
Eve* July 24, 2017 at 12:08 am I always recommend David’s on Monument Sq., Central Provisions is small plates, pricey but delious, and I’m a huge fan of any of the Rooms (Grill, Front, or Corner).
Cleo* July 22, 2017 at 11:04 am I’ve been offered a kitten. Any tips on what to do and get before bringing it home?
NoodleMara* July 22, 2017 at 11:23 am If it hasn’t been seen by a vet, that’s step number one, preferably before you bring it home so if it needs to be fixed, get shots, etc, it’s already handled. Keep the kitten in one room for the first few days to make sure it’s litter box trained, so it won’t be overwhelmed, and it’s a lot harder to lose it. Kittens love to hide places. If you have another animal, make sure interactions happen slowly and only with supervision at first. Get a litter box, some of the same food it’s already being fed, water bowls, standard stuff. You don’t need to buy a ton of toys if you don’t want to, a lot of cats like playing with crumpled paper, cardboard or other things you might have around the house. Good luck with your kitten!
nonegiven* July 22, 2017 at 7:15 pm A small cardboard box. My cats have more fun with Amazon boxes than with toys.
Aliecat* July 22, 2017 at 11:34 am Congrats! A small litter box and a good low dust litter (I like World’s Best), small, soft toys that skitter, a food/water bowl with low sides and a silicone mat underneath (cats are kind of messy eaters), and a carrier. You can usually find carriers on craigslist. Don’t worry about cat nip, cats don’t develop a taste for it until they’re almost a year old. Cats don’t need a ton of stuff, and will probably eschew anything expensive anyway. Just an FYI, plan to pen kitty up for the first month when you’re away for the day in a room with food, toys, and the litter box. When they’re really small sometimes they feel anxious rattling around in the house. Also, kittens REALLY like to play at night. I would recommend not allowing them access to your bedroom at night until its older, otherwise be prepared for toe nibbles and face batting at 2 am.
nonegiven* July 22, 2017 at 7:19 pm I’ve had more than one litter of kittens born in my bedroom. As soon as they were big enough to climb up and jump off the bed, they slept on it, in a pile, on a pillow at my feet. I did wake up at 3 am a few times with kittens running up and down my body and dive bombing each other off the headboard.
Aliecat* July 23, 2017 at 5:01 pm Lol at being dive-bombed! My cat does sleep with us at night as he cannot abide a closed door, but I couldn’t have him in the room for his first month of living with me, I’m a light sleeper and he was pretty active at night.
Bryce* July 23, 2017 at 8:04 pm My cat was doing night laps around the place and foot attacks even at 12 years old. It’s amazing what you can get used to.
Aliecat* July 23, 2017 at 9:40 pm My old man cat firmly parks his butt right at the foot of the bed, forcing me into some weird fetal position. Sometimes he gets a case of the kittens and takes a chomp out of my foot.
Seal* July 22, 2017 at 12:09 pm Get a scratching post as well. Mine like both sisal and cardboard. With a kitten, you can train them to use it by gently rubbing their paws on it.
TootsNYC* July 22, 2017 at 3:03 pm and get a tall one that will let the cat (once it’s grown) stretch up quite a bit.
Marzipan* July 23, 2017 at 12:26 pm I have a piece of thick twine/thin rope wound around one of the banisters for my cat. He loves it!
Anna* July 22, 2017 at 12:14 pm What Noodle and Aliecat said plus a scratcher thing. The nice carpet covered posts were about $80, but a round plastic thing with a ball and cardboard was only about $20. Treats bribe/reward it with.
Trixie* July 22, 2017 at 12:30 pm I always suggest when petting/grooming, get them used to both have their paws handled and teeth brushed. I had luck with the first so it’s so much easier to trim claws. Not so much the second. Also, since he was a kitten I take cat for rides on regular basis. He’s much easier to deal with as far as the carrier and the car. Have fun!
Cookie D'oh* July 22, 2017 at 1:02 pm Based on personal experience, check with your vet about their after hours and emergency procedures. They might have a doctor on call or refer you to another facility. In my city, there’s an animal hospital that is open 8-8 every day and another open 24/7. I have two older cats with health issues so I keep the numbers handy.
Cookie D'oh* July 22, 2017 at 1:08 pm Also, congrats and have fun! Lots of good advice from others. If you’re on Amazon,search for “pet enclosure” or “pet playpen”. There are some good options that would work for a kitten.
Andrea* July 22, 2017 at 2:19 pm Look for hazards like hanging string, sharp objects, stuff they can pull down like a table runner. Make sure you don;t open windows widely or leave to toilet up. See if you indoor plants are noxious to cats. I would honestly get a set of kittens if they are on offer. Two is easier than one in the long run. Read Jackson Galaxy. Yeah!
Lyra* July 22, 2017 at 6:14 pm Yay! How exciting for you! All the suggestions so far are great. I’d add to be clear and consistent with reactions – cats are smart and can learn, so long as you give clear feedback. Like Trixie recommended, get the kitten used to you handling its paws, but if it bites, freeze and say NO firmly. Wait until it’s stopped to resume play and cuddles. Similarly, if you feed the cat every time it meows at you at 4 am, it will continue to meow at you at 4 am, because why not? it knows it’ll gets food! Keep a consistent schedule as best you can, and it will learn that wailing at you won’t get it food. Back to your actual question: it might help to confine the kitten to a single room for the first few days, to help it get used to the new space, particularly if your flat/house is large. You’d want a litter box in one corner, food and a water bowl as far away as the litter box as possible, a scratching post/pad, a hidey spot (which can be its carrier lined with a towel). Have a wonderful time with your kitten! :)
Saturnalia* July 22, 2017 at 8:29 pm This may not be possible and won’t ruin anything if it’s not, but if you can work from home, or take a few consecutive days to hang out around the house with the new kitty, it can help speed the bonding and help her feel comfy in your home. Congrats, and enjoy the loves!
Chaordic One* July 22, 2017 at 8:34 pm Stock up on cleaning supplies. I like using old bath towels to scrub and clean with, so if you can pick some up at a second-hand store that would be great. Also get a bottle of ammonia for cleaning up accidents. (When you use it, be sure to dilute it.)
MandyLou* July 23, 2017 at 12:22 pm One thing to add to the litter box suggestion…Depending on how big your kitten is, they may not be able to get over the sides of the box if they are very tiny. When I found Maggie, she was very tiny(4 or 5 weeks) and couldn’t use the pan I purchased because the sides were too tall. A cheap temporary option for the tiny ones is a disposable aluminum roasting pan from the grocery store. The sides are only three or four inches tall and are perfect for itty bitty kitties. Also, even if your kitten will be indoor only, make sure to get him/her microchipped! That way if they ever get lost, you’ll have better odds of them being returned to you. Enjoy your kitten!
Resi Lence* July 22, 2017 at 11:05 am Juggling projects this weekend! I’m clearing the condensation out of a taillight (never thought I would have to do that myself, but it’s surprisingly not hard!), playing with a new eggplant recipe, and working on some designs. Does anyone have an Etsy store by chance? I want to sell stuff online but outside of social media I am not sure how to market my things.
Effie, getting there* July 22, 2017 at 10:12 pm I have a Poshmark store, which is very social-media heavy (like Instagram) and you kind of need to be super active to move your stuff. You can sell handmade stuff on Poshmark, but you might not be able to price it for what it’s worth. Generally I’ve found that people on Poshmark buy stuff when then feel like it, no matter what the price is, but I’m also not anywhere near as active as recommended. The app is super user-friendly too and free to download. They also have a regular website and are working to allow you to sell from there (you can edit posts right now but I don’t think you can post new stuff yet from the website).
Effie, getting there* July 22, 2017 at 10:12 pm Forgot to say – most stuff on Poshmark is used and people are looking for a bargain, so again may not be ideal for handmade stuff although you can list if you want.
OldMom* July 22, 2017 at 11:21 am If you have to send additional info to the IRS that they have requested, is it customary to send a cover letter? Or better to include only the specific forms they requested? (routine matter, not an audit)
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 12:35 pm Years ago we filed our taxes and my husband had missed a line when transcribing on to the good copy. Sure enough, we got a letter from the IRS. I wrote a cover letter, I included redundant documentation, and I sent an entire new 1040 with the correction. Then I mailed it return receipt requested. At that time it had hit the news that agents were throwing 1040s in the garbage because they could not keep up. I wanted to dot every i and cross every t.
CAA* July 22, 2017 at 1:56 pm If they sent you a notice requesting more information, there should be a Response Form as the last page of the packet. Fill that out and put it on the top of the pile of documentation you send them. It has your SSN, an AUR number and a barcode, so it increases the chances that your correspondence will get matched to the right return. You can put a cover letter behind that if you want, but you don’t need to if the only thing it’s going to say is “please see the attached forms that you requested”. You really only need a letter if you are explaining something that isn’t obvious, or if you’re including additional documentation to support your position. If you don’t have a Response Form to send back, then a cover letter is a good idea, if only to list out what forms you’re sending in. Do make sure that your SSN and tax year are on every piece of paper you send.
Saturnalia* July 22, 2017 at 8:31 pm This, exactly this. I had some routine IRS stuff too, and it was just fine without an extra cover letter.
No regular name* July 22, 2017 at 2:11 pm Send a cover letter with the documents. Use a subject line stating your name, SSN, date of their request & any reference number from their letter. Only include the documents they requested.
Engineer Girl* July 22, 2017 at 4:13 pm I’ve survived a couple of audits very successfully. I have always included a cover letter with a list of enclosures. Never give them more than what they asked for. I have always sent my packet with signature tracking.
someone101* July 22, 2017 at 11:22 am Hi all. So I’m slowly working my way through the archives of AAM and I just wondered if there was an update of the person called King who was starting starting a new job and they told him to change his name? Was just curious of the outcome.
Toph* July 22, 2017 at 12:02 pm I don’t know about that one specifically, but there is an updates tag so you might be able to find it if you limited your searching within there. I think I also noticed on the ones that have updates, the update often shows up in the “you may also like”.
someone101* July 22, 2017 at 12:20 pm Ooh thanks for the tip I will try that! I noticed this too and didn’t see an update, I thought perhaps it might have been in the comments section.
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 22, 2017 at 12:46 pm The easiest way to check for a specific update is to do a site-specific search for the headline of the original post in quotes, since the updates all use the same headlines as the original post did. So for this one you’d do this: https://www.google.com/search?q=site:askamanager.org&q=site:askamanager.org+%22my+new+company+wants+me+to+change+my+name%22 (That looks like a lots of gibberish, but basically you put site:askamanager.org into Google, plus your search term.) All of which will lead you to find that no, we never did have an update for that one.
someone101* July 22, 2017 at 12:49 pm Ah that’s a shame I was so intrigued! Thank you for the reply though I will bear this in mind for future searches!
Gingerbread* July 22, 2017 at 11:25 am For those of you that dislike exercise, how did you make yourself start working out? I hate exercise with a passion, but I am not happy with the way I look. I have a gym in my complex about 200 feet from me and still can’t get myself to go.
FDCA In Canada* July 22, 2017 at 11:28 am There are only a few ways. You can find something you enjoy doing even if it doesn’t look like in-the-gym exercise (a dance class, hiking, distance walking, something like that), or you can get yourself into the habit by only doing something enjoyable while at the gym (watching something you enjoy on TV, having a good podcast you only listen to there, etc.). The former is much, much, much more sustainable long-term. You don’t have to go to the gym to work out–there are tons of bodyweight exercises or cardio that can be done at your home with videos available for free on youtube.
The Other Dawn* July 22, 2017 at 11:32 am I started using a personal trainer twice a week. Now I’m down to once a week. Yes, it can be costly, but it’s what I needed to do. I really, REALLY need the accountability. I still don’t love it, but I find I look forward to it. I like how I feel when I’m done and I like feeling strong and capable.
CityMouse* July 22, 2017 at 3:30 pm Seconding Zumba. It got me over the awkwardness of group exercise.
Countess Boochie Flagrante* July 22, 2017 at 11:55 am I find something that’s fairly mindless to do as an exercise, and bring a book. Sitting on an exercise bike with nothing for my mind to do = torture, but sitting on an exercise bike while I slam my face through a new book = totally fine for me.
Get a Haircut* July 22, 2017 at 12:05 pm Gym- started with yoga class and exercise bikes. Went on to other machines once I felt stronger. Currently not at a gym, but have a set of exercises I do at home that starts with something really simple. If you can start your routine with something that’s easy to say yes to, maybe that might help?
Sophie* July 22, 2017 at 12:16 pm I feel the same way about exercise. I’m starting small- I park far away when I go the store, I started walking around my neighborhood, etc.
Bryce* July 23, 2017 at 8:09 pm This is what I do as well. I find an evening walk a lot easier to do than an afternoon at the gym. Also trying to get back into swimming; I used to love it but every time I try to go back I overdo it and, since it pretty thoroughly uses muscles that I haven’t worked in ages, that results in weakness and soreness for a couple of days that keeps me from going back.
Dan* July 22, 2017 at 12:20 pm Come to Jesus moment with myself. I went on a cruise with my mom and dad that was full of overweight old people with all kinds of medical problems. I still have my health and decided I wanted to keep it. I now sleep better, feel better, and look a little better, so I keep going, even though I don’t actually like the gym.
Elizabeth West* July 22, 2017 at 8:45 pm Same here, except for the cruise. And a picture someone posted on Twitter. Yipes.
Trixie* July 22, 2017 at 12:33 pm finding activities you enjoy that feel less like exercise. For me, it’s hiking and yoga. And group classes or activities which feel more social. (But still a great workout.) Whatever you direction you go, the biggest hurdle is just getting started or going again.
Queen of Cans & Jars* July 22, 2017 at 2:56 pm +100 on this. The only “exercise” I like is yoga. Or hiking. I hate gyms with a passion because they bore me to death. Everything else physical I do is something that accomplished another task: gardening (we have a nearly 1 acre garden, so I really do burn a lot of calories keeping up with that), walking the dog, etc. When I lived in the city, I would walk to do my errands.
Cookie D'oh* July 22, 2017 at 12:48 pm I’m still trying to figure this out, but at some point you just have to do it. Start slowly so you don’t get overwhelmed, like once or twice a week. I’ve found I like doing online videos from Fitness Blender and PopSugar Fitness more so than exercise machines.
someone101* July 22, 2017 at 1:18 pm I really dislike the idea of exercise but once I start it’s ok. I started healthy eating and used the money I saved from not getting take away food and Costa Coffee everyday to pay for 12 weeks worth of sessions with a personal trainer; because I’d paid for it upfront I had to do it. I also enjoy swimming so I do that every week too, it’s good for you but it doesn’t feel like I’m exercising so much because I enjoy it.
Gem* July 22, 2017 at 1:30 pm A mixture of what everyone else has said: – A come to jesus moment (I was 190lb at 5ft3 and 28yrs old) – A personal trainer who helped my find exercise I could do with my dodgy-from-birth ankles and that I wanted to do – Continue that routine, adding in yoga, weights, and spin classes as I got stronger/realised exhausting myself physically on a regular basis did *wonders* for my anxiety – Log my calories on my fitness pal, just to see what I was eating and shift my carb/fat/protein intake to make good choices That was last March, I’m now at 153lbs and feeling so good. Still got a ways to go, my ideal weight is ~120lb, but definitely feel like I can get there!
Gem* July 22, 2017 at 1:33 pm Oh, and if you want do at home videos, Millionaire Hoy does youtube videos that cover everything – bodyweight, low impact, kickboxing, from 10mins to 90mins, and are good! Yoga with Adrienne does the same for yoga videos – beginners, hands free practices, for specific conditions, etc. They require more commitment from me as they’re free, and I find parting with cash the only real way to force myself into things, but may be worth a check!
NDQ* July 22, 2017 at 1:38 pm I joined the only gym with a hot tub. Then I started water aerobics because it looked easy. If I miss class, I will use the treadmill. I also do the bootcamp class once a week. I still hate exercising, but it makes my weekdays at work easier, I look and feel better, and I get to socialize a little. NDQ
Canadian Natasha* July 22, 2017 at 2:19 pm I was one of the “exercising is misery” crowd for most of my life. I hate most competitive sports and exercise for its own sake bores me silly. What I ended up doing was rejoining a martial art that I’d formerly practiced as a child. This particular school has a very non-competitive, friendly, and cooperative atmosphere. I am NOT a kinesthetic learner so the slow pace of advancement is very helpful too. It is also practical for self defence (more for the learning to be assertive and body-aware and not timid since the actual moves wouldn’t be all that useful in a real situation yet). For me, any habit needs to have a very definite reason to practice it (general or vague ideas like “better health” don’t cut it) and measureable ways to see change and improvement. Tl;dr- If you are similar to me, it may help to look for a goal to accomplish and then find a type of exercise that will lead you towards that goal.
Anon attorney* July 22, 2017 at 2:43 pm It’s a total cliché but I have found it to be true that you only stick with exercise you enjoy. Hence I have lifted weights on and off since I was in college (now middle aged) but have rarely done any form of cardio (I hate machines, I can’t run due to injuries and I basically hate working up a sweat). I did enjoy (sort of) metabolic conditioning circuits for a while but I needed to have a personal trainer to make that happen (as in making me accountable to turn up). However my body can still surprise me. In middle age I have developed a passion for ashtanga yoga which is certainly a cardio workout and I am noticing a difference in my cardiovascular performance and changes in my body shape (for the first time in years). But I would do it even if neither of those things happened ever, because it makes my mind happy. So finding what you really love seems to work but I hope it takes you less than my 20-odd years to get there!
Julia Gulia* July 22, 2017 at 3:01 pm I love action movies and my spouse hates them, so I only allow myself to watch them while working out. If I don’t go downstairs and get my butt on the treadmill or elliptical, I can’t see my movies. My spouse is in general a very easy-going person, but I’ve instructed him to push back if I try to suggest one of “my” movies for our shared viewing.
Miranda* July 22, 2017 at 3:02 pm Useful and interesting article for those who don’t like exercise: http://www.bodyforwife.com/the-exercise-myth/
Book Lover* July 22, 2017 at 4:23 pm Personal trainer twice a week was the only thing that worked for me. And a more recent addiction to Pokemon go.
Book Lover* July 22, 2017 at 4:23 pm Oh, and I hear good things about Zombies, Run, but I haven’t tried it yet.
Parenthetically* July 22, 2017 at 5:36 pm OK, as a fellow exercise hater, I honestly think the best advice I’ve ever heard about this is from Terry Crews. He’s done a couple of reddit AMAs where he talks about his philosophy of working out as self-care/spoiling yourself/treating yourself, and they are 100% worth looking up and reading. Basically, unless you’re a masochist, you’ll never go if you don’t like it! So he says, start to work on changing your mindset towards the gym, and spend a couple weeks going to the gym (in workout clothes) and just sitting and reading a book or watching a show or playing a game on your phone that’s just for that time — a treat. No working out, just unwinding at the end of the day, or easing into your day, or whatever. And then slowly ease yourself into it, continually working to reframe it as self-care time that is pleasurable and worthwhile. But also, you don’t have to go to the gym! Can you figure out what you hate about exercising? If it’s sweating and stinking, go for a gentle yoga class. If it’s being stuck in a smelly gym, find a beautiful park to walk in or an outdoor fitness group. If it’s standing at machines, why not a soccer team? If it’s the concept of “exercise,” how about sword fighting lessons or ballroom dancing or a really energetic LARP group or aerialist training? 30 minute living room dance party? Ballet? Vigorously scrubbing all the surfaces in your house over the course of a few weeks? Signing up for one of those dog-walking service apps?
Chameleon* July 22, 2017 at 5:37 pm I am just starting too. I really hated running until I got a Couch to 5k app, but now I have a way to easily see my progress which really helps my motivation. Same thing with weights… seeing how much I lift now vs. a week ago helps. The other way these apps help me is by giving me a specific program to follow. I used to wander around and doing the machine that I felt like doing, but having a specific, repeatable routine makes the gym feel less like an amorphous obligation.
Mimi* July 22, 2017 at 6:13 pm The things that have helped me get a gym routine are 1. finding a gym near work, with really good classes. 2. The gym had a promotion where you could earn back your membership fee if you went 12 times in the first month, which made me get into the habit. 3. I have done personal training a few times and it is awesome. 4. The realization that once I have all those things in place, I just need to do it. I don’t need to feel super-motivated to go work out – I just need to go. And then I’m always happy when I do.
Artemesia* July 22, 2017 at 6:20 pm I’m with you here and have not entirely managed it but what I do is: 1. really try to build lots of walking into my day e.g. get groceries on food, walk to anything a mile or less away etc etc. I live in a big city where walking is easy to work into errands and such. 2. when I do laundry the building gym is next to the laundry room, so I run the washers which run about 28 minutes and I work out during that time, then put the stuff into the dryers and go back to the apartment. 3. there are fitness classes at a park service gym about a mile from where I live. Several women in our building or nearby sign up for a couple of these a week and somehow having to show up to walk over and back with friends gets me to these courses which are rigorous. 4. I keep weights next to the kitchen and will do a few sets of weight exercises from my gym class while I make coffee or do other short term things in the kitchen that involve waiting. Waiting for the coffee to drip, or the water to boil for the rice or hard boiled eggs or whatever. 5. There is a stretching workout that takes about 10-15 minutes called the Canadian 12 minutes workout or something like that. It is age and gender graded and I do the sequence for women my age on the mornings I am not going to the gym. In other words. I try to have lots of different things so if I am not doing a big thing, I can at least do a small one. For me it isn’t about weight but about strength and flexibility and these things all really really help. (I could lose 10 pounds but it isn’t going to happen from exercise). BF Skinner used to organize his day so he wrote in the morning and after accomplishing his page goal, he would reward himself with classical music. figuring out something you want to do — like read AAM — and then making that contingent on completing your workout is also something you can try.
Red* July 22, 2017 at 8:14 pm I sold my car and now walk most everywhere, because my city has decent-but-not-great public transportation. Sometimes I even jog, if it’s the only way to not wait half an hour for the next bus.
Red* July 22, 2017 at 8:19 pm The big thing with this is, I wear comfortable shoes all the time. If I have to have heels or something, I will put them on at the last second and then change out of them right after. It’s too easy to make excuses otherwise.
MsChanandlerBong* July 22, 2017 at 8:23 pm Good question. I HATE exercise. I would rather have a colonoscopy. A lot of it stems from my medical history (spina bifida, so my knees knock together and my calves get tight when I walk more than two feet, which is quite painful; lupus, so my joints are usually stiff/hurting; heat intolerance, so walking outside is a miserable experience, etc.). I just have a really hard time, but my husband and I don’t have kids, so we really need to start moving around more. Otherwise, we’re going to end up crippled with nobody to help us.
Red* July 22, 2017 at 9:07 pm I have RA and hate heat and my coworker suggested water aerobics to me, you may want to give it a try if you can. Unfortunately, I couldn’t because of cost reasons :(
Cara* July 22, 2017 at 11:14 pm I like exercise and it’s still a struggle, LOL! First, don’t go home before going to the gym. You go home and you get comfy and next thing you know 2 hours have gone by (I did that 3 times this week, but I still ultimately went). Second, try a bunch of stuff. I’ve done Zumba, running, powerlifting, yoga, spinning, bar class, CrossFit. Some things I liked, others not so much. Some I just do sporadically. I also found that I love working out to hip hop music and remixes. Good music can help a lot.
This Daydreamer* July 23, 2017 at 5:18 am A YMCA just opened in my city, and it has a POOL! Two of them actually, one of which is just for laps. I am remembering why I loved swimming when I was a kid, and now I can do it all year round. It doesn’t feel like exercise to me (literally no sweat) but I do feel it when I get out of the pool. Finally, a workout that I really look forward to.
The Other Dawn* July 22, 2017 at 11:31 am Well, my dad’s house goes up for sale in one week. We’re very slowly starting to clean things out and I took a large item back with me last weekend. Met with the realtor and we only need to do a little minor painting outside, along with some yardwork for curb appeal. We’re happy about that since three of the five of us are out of state. I’m hoping it sells quickly so we can put this behind us and move on to dealing with my brother’s impending passing. They’ve changed his timeline to two months, best case. I find I’m dealing with it a little better these days, although it’s still tough. Mostly because all I can think about is the pain he’s going through. He’s having radiation now so he can eat comfortably and not feeling so crappy overall. But cancer is cancer. Basically, they thought the tumor in the esophagus was causing the discomfort with eating, but it turns out the liver has swollen up and pushed all the organs upwards. So that’s making him winded very quickly and making it harder to eat. I shipped some ready-to-drink protein shakes to him so he can at least get some protein and calories in him. What does he do? Mixes them with ice cream. LOL Hey, whatever floats his boat. Now I’m headed to the little farm stand up the road for some goodies. I’ve discovered a love for fresh oregano. Makes an awesome flavored goat cheese. I use that along with my basil, some lemon, olive oil, salt and pepper. Mix it into goat cheese and voila: delicious flavored goat cheese. :) I do one with fresh dill and lemon, also.
FDCA In Canada* July 22, 2017 at 11:40 am When my dad was first diagnosed with his cancer and could hardly get anything down (also esophageal cancer), the doctor did tell him to just get as many calories in him as he could. He got some very-high-caloric protein mix and my mom would blend it up with whole milk, bananas, peanut butter, ice cream, chocolate sauce, whatever (depending on the flavour) and my dad would choke down as much as he could. He would eat a lot of soft and high-calorie foods as well–scrambled eggs cooked in bacon grease was a favourite, I think. Despite the suffering from his chemo, he felt far, far better with some food in him–I think before he had been down to under 600 calories per day because he just could not swallow anything comfortably. So even junk food gave him energy and truly boosted his spirits.
Mimmy* July 22, 2017 at 12:37 pm Sorry, but the part about your brother mixing the shakes with his ice cream made me giggle. I will keep him in my thoughts.
The Other Dawn* July 22, 2017 at 2:12 pm Basically every single member of my family, including cousins, does this with ice cream. They all put their ice cream in a glass and then pour milk into it. I’m the only one who doesn’t do that!
Sled Dog Mama* July 22, 2017 at 3:30 pm I had a friend who added olive oil to his shakes to up the calorie content when he had throat cancer
Jean (just Jean)* July 23, 2017 at 2:55 pm So sorry to hear this news about your brother but I share your amusement about eating the protein with ice cream. Is he comfortable seeking help from palliative care or hospice to ease his discomfort? I hope you and he are able to have some quality time together, even if you’re just sitting and chatting or sharing a friendly silence. It’s hard to watch someone you love dealing with advanced, incurable cancer. I apologize if anything I said has caused you distress.
Carmen Sandiego JD* July 22, 2017 at 11:56 am A friend invited me to meet her newborn today. I baked bread for her. Is there anything I need to do/remember? Also, how can I be most helpful to her and her baby?
Liz* July 22, 2017 at 12:17 pm Be excited to see and hold the baby but ask first about washing hands, what she is comfortable with in terms of holding. Also ask her how you can help, maybe run an errand or cook something? Just offering and listening is so much. And I also remember not being sure of myself, if she mentions anything about pressure from others to do x or y, support het in trusting herself.
Anna* July 22, 2017 at 12:26 pm How are you feeling today? Are you in any way sick or under the weather? When was your last Tdap? I just had to field the whooping cough case in one kid’s school with the baby boom in the extended family issue. The kid bug of the week may not be as big an issue in the summer as during the school year, but if your allergies may be going into a sinus/ear infection like mine always seem to do, you should bail with the I don’t want to share this explanation. She will be fine with that. Just because Mom felt up to a visit when she called you doesn’t mean she will be by the time you get there. Just go with it. It isn’t personal to you. It will take her some time to get a routine. And, she will likely look like death warmed over. Don’t say a word about that. Not. One. Word. Offer to do the dishes, the laundry, cut the grass or make a grocery run.
Amy* July 22, 2017 at 1:45 pm You’re a good friend for asking this question! Echoing what others have said about only going if you are 100% healthy and haven’t been around sick people. Being up-to-date on Tdap is ideal. Be sure to wash your hands and Purell as soon as you enter the house. Don’t kiss the baby or get in his/her face even if you don’t feel sick. There was just an awful case of a baby dying of meningitis caused by herpes from a kiss from someone with a cold sore. Kissing young babies is no bueno. She will likely have planned her day/napping schedule/feeding schedule around your visit and arriving late or early will foul things up, so be there when you say you will. It was a HUGE pet peeve of mine when I had a newborn and people would show up late or say things like “I’ll drop by sometime in the afternoon.” Also, be very aware of cues that she’s ready to wrap up the visit. She’s likely exhausted and may only be up for a 20-minute chat. Personally, though, I loved for visitors to stay a while so I could have some adult conversation. Just take your cues from her. Wait for her to offer to let you hold the baby if she feels comfortable with that. Don’t ask or demand. If she needs to pump or breastfeed, offer to give her some privacy. Go do some dishes in the other room or something. She may not care if you stay, but ask. Bringing your bread is awesome! Offer to pick up groceries on your way over if you can. While you’re there, offer to do dishes or laundry. She may or may not take you up on it but she could probably use the help. Lastly, ask how SHE’S doing. Most people just ask about the baby and she could use some love too. Don’t bring up heavy stuff from your own life right now, just listen and support her. Have fun! Enjoy all that sweet baby squishiness!
Sled Dog Mama* July 22, 2017 at 3:37 pm Offer to do something concrete don’t make her figure out what you can do. If she’s breast feeding and just whips it out without asking if you’re ok just roll with it (she has probably gotten surprisingly comfortable with her body). If she has a baby that doesn’t like to be put down and will let you hold her get her to do something for herself while you hol the baby like shower or take a bath or a nap or trim her toenails (that was huge for me)
Artemesia* July 22, 2017 at 6:23 pm Make sure you have your DPT shots up to date. Everyone should have anyway, but if you will be around newborns, make sure you are up to date. Pertussis is making a big comeback and adults with minor symptoms can pass it along to newborns where it can be lethal. My boss at my last job got it; we were all notified as soon as he was diagnosed and he stayed out of the office until a course of antibiotics was completed. He had a cough but not all that terrible a one as an adult who had had vaccines that had worn off. I am about to check my own status as I have a grandbaby on the way.
Countess Boochie Flagrante* July 22, 2017 at 11:57 am Has anyone tried one of those under-the-desk bike pedal machines? How well do they work? Are they awkward to use? I’m not real thrilled with my current 10-hour days at work, and being tied to a phone means I can’t really even go take a walk around the floor when I want to stretch my legs. For context, I’m not short, and most of my height is in my legs, so I’m definitely concerned about jamming my knees into the underside of my desk, but I’m a fidgeter and I’d love to get my fidgeting harnessed for a bit of real exercise.
Anna* July 22, 2017 at 12:04 pm What about a standing desk? Varidesk has a lot of good options, though they are slightly pricey. You can adjust the desk up when you want to stand, and lower it when you want to sit, very easily because it is spring-loaded. I find that doing my work standing up gives me a lot more energy, and keeps me more cheerful. Plus it’s healthier for you! I have a feeling that even if you got a bike under your desk, sitting for 10 hours a day is still not great for your back, etc.
Countess Boochie Flagrante* July 22, 2017 at 12:33 pm That’s also a good option! My only question would be how portable it is. So far I’ve been in my job for 9 months and I’ve had 7 different desks, not counting the times I have been in training and not assigned to any desk. Our assignments tend to shift pretty frequently.
Simone R* July 22, 2017 at 2:07 pm I’ve seen someone at the library with a collapsible stand that turned the desk into a standing one. If you’re interested that might be something to look into.
TootsNYC* July 22, 2017 at 3:06 pm I wouldn’t want to carry it home and back, but it’s a snap to move it from one desk to another.
Toph* July 22, 2017 at 12:06 pm I had one of these, and I am short and frequently found myself bashing my knees on my keyboard tray. I think if I’d had a desk that didn’t have a keyboard tray (which made the underside of the desk about 4″ lower than it otherwise would’ve been) it would’ve been fine. For me it ended up being more of a “pull it out slightly and do ten minutes during a break” type thing than something I could actually do while working. Phonewise, do you have a bluetooth headset and/or is it possible for your employer to provide one? Or do your calls require you to be at your computer? I found a good sneak-excercise is when I have long calls scheduled but I don’t need to be glued to the screen, I pace with my headset on. Of course if you’re in a cubicle/shared space that might irritate your office mates. But if you have your own space with a door, that approach might be worth trying?
Countess Boochie Flagrante* July 22, 2017 at 12:28 pm Our employer doesn’t provide Bluetooth headsets, but I’m saving up for a nice one! It’s just gonna be…. a while… unless I can convince my family to pool money and get me one for Christmas. It’s a common joke at my company that your first quarterly bonus always goes to a better headset than the ones we’re provided.
Get a Haircut* July 22, 2017 at 12:07 pm I just discovered these the other day! Following this to see what others have to say about them!
JaneB* July 22, 2017 at 3:07 pm I have a basic sort of stepper thing rather than a pedal thing under my desk at home, and a rocking foot rest at work – as a natural fiddler, I’m definitely happier able to move part of my body. I’ve tried pedal-things and despite having short legs I can’t cope with them under the desk – I either bang my knees or end up cycling with my knees pointing out so the joint angles are wrong and it leads to joint pain. I’m a very overweight person with a few joint and lower back issues (which pre-date most of the weight gain, but obviously are not helped by it and which limit exercise options generally) as well as various other issues, and I often have to pull 10 hour days at the computer. I’m also not supposed to stand still for long, so a standing desk isn’t much use to me, and I’m very clumsy (seasonal allergy/sinus problems make my balance wierd) so can only walk safely on a treadmill with all my attention and my hands rested on the side rails for balance, so have not even considered a treadmill desk! Sitting, even with a good chair, was tending to give me leg aches and sometimes even numb spots, but having the rocking foot rest or the stepper keeps me moving more and that’s just about gone completely! It’s probably not great exercise for getting fitter, but my body feels less tired after long days at the desk and I am less frustrated by pent-up need to fidget, so I think they’re worth it!
The Cosmic Avenger* July 22, 2017 at 1:10 pm I got the j/fit mini elliptical, and although I only use it standing up at my standing desk, I lent it to a coworker with a regular desk to use underneath, and she liked it quite a bit, although she is short. There’s much less vertical motion than with a regular elliptical. In fact, there’s less foot motion overall — my phone fitness program records almost twice as many steps in, say, 20 minutes on that than it does for 20 minutes on a full-sized elliptical or treadmill. But that’s fine, I feel like I get less sweaty that way. I mostly want to just keep moving, keep from being too sedentary, and raise my heart rate a bit. I got mine for about $100 on Woot!, but they’re $120-140 on Amazon.
Kj* July 22, 2017 at 8:29 pm I’m using one right now! I have a DeskCycle. I use it at a raised desk while sitting at a stool though. It works well for me and I can use my desk for standing too, which I like. I got a more pricy model as I had one prior that had problems. I use it about 2-4 hours/day at least 6 days a week, have had it for over a year and it is still working well.
Kj* July 22, 2017 at 8:32 pm And I should add it is fun to use. I really enjoy my working time more. I work from home when I use it, so it is not bothering anyone else. It does creak a little, but not enough to bother people when I have call others.
Anono-me* July 22, 2017 at 8:37 pm I am average to average plus an inch or two. I banged my knees a lot using a peddle contraption under my desk. I do still use it when I can be in my cube but a foot or two away from the computer(telecoms, actual paperwork to read, long phone calls.)
Jennifer* July 23, 2017 at 12:49 am I got a Hovr a while ago and it’s really fun. It’s kind of a swing for your feet. https://hovrpro.com/
Keladry of Mindelan* July 22, 2017 at 12:00 pm Anybody on this site like to play video games? I just finished Horizon Zero Dawn and I have feelings. Has anyone else played it? I don’t want to spoil anything, because discovering the secrets is a delightful and gripping part of the game. I can’t stop thinking about humanity, robots, and various ethical choices that you encounter and observe. Plus fighting robot dinosaurs is simply cool.
AlaskaKT* July 22, 2017 at 3:14 pm I don’t play often, but I’m an avid watcher of my husband while he plays. We both thought that was a fantastic game, and my husband platinumed it. He actually bought a play station specifically to play Horizon Zero Dawn.
Keladry of Mindelan* July 22, 2017 at 10:22 pm Nice! I’m working on Platinum, but that might take awhile. It’s such a pretty game! I’m not ready to be done playing in this world :)
Jen RO* July 22, 2017 at 3:31 pm I do, but I prefer MMOs, so I can’t comment on Horizon Zero Dawn I’m afraid! :(
MsChanandlerBong* July 22, 2017 at 8:29 pm I do, but my gamer friend makes fun of me because I only like a certain type of game. If it’s a side-scrolling platformer that involves jumping around and collecting gems/coins/bananas/whatever, I’m all about it. I have no interest in multi-player games, first-person shooters, etc. So basically, I play Donkey Kong Country, Super Mario Bros. (the older ones and the newer ones for the Wii/Wii U), and Giana Sisters: Twisted Dreams, which is the BEST GAME EVER. It’s just so beautifully designed, and it fits right in with my idea of a perfect game (you run around collecting gems and stomping on bad guys). It’s also HARD, which I like. I love a challenge.
NerdDork* July 24, 2017 at 7:23 pm I do – mainly story heavy single player games (RPGs and visual novels and the like). I’ve dabbled in FFXIV’s free trial since I have friends who play that, though the time and money sink inherent to MMOs is intimidating. I’m also kinda slow at finishing games in general (trying to get a bit better at finishing one before starting another with limited success thus far).
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 22, 2017 at 12:21 pm We closed on our house yesterday! I’m so excited. The seller is renting back from us for a week, and then we’re using the next week for painting, etc., and then we move in after that. Here is a photo of the backyard, which is the best part of the whole thing: https://imgur.com/a/rUDcb
Cookie D'oh* July 22, 2017 at 12:56 pm The yard looks great! Lots of bird watching opportunities for the kitties.
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 22, 2017 at 1:33 pm It actually is a real forest — the land right behind our piece of it is owned by the Audubon Society. I texted everyone I know yesterday to say “I OWN A FOREST” because I am insufferable.
Windchime* July 23, 2017 at 4:01 pm Oh my gosh, you have my dream back-yard view. Congratulations on the closing!
dating question* July 22, 2017 at 12:22 pm I met someone new a few weeks ago and we hit it off and I invited them to go out last weekend and we had a great time. I am so unsure what’s the next step? We texted a bit this week (I initiated it). I … am finding that I wish she would either suggest hanging out or a specific plan. But is it premature? Do I need to show more interest by suggesting an outing? I am ok taking it slow but don’t want to seem uninterested. However I don’t want to be pushy either.
Countess Boochie Flagrante* July 22, 2017 at 12:44 pm I don’t think you need to be concerned about showing insufficient interest. It sounds like you’ve been the one driving the action thus far. You might try suggesting that you two get together again, but asking her for suggestions of where she’d like to go or what she’d like to do.
Thlayli* July 22, 2017 at 6:39 pm If you are a straight guy and she is a straight girl then there is a very good chance she expects you to take the initiative in suggesting dates for the first few … coz cultural expectations. (Please note I’m not passing judgement on this expectation either way, just offering it up as a possible way to interpret her behaviour). If either of you are Non-Cis-Het then I Amn’t really qualified to give advice on dating protocol. It could be she is not interested but it could be she is interested and just wants you to do the chasing. I’m a big fan of honesty so either way I’d say you should just ask her directly if she wants to meet up again and if so does she want to plan something together or does she want u to plan it.
Claire* July 22, 2017 at 12:29 pm I wrote last weekend about getting in touch with an old friend and she wrote back. We’ve been emailing one another, but I haven’t heard back from her and it’s been a week. Should I assume that she’s not going to write back? I feel stupid for writing because it’s been about 5 years since we’ve talked/seen each other and while she claimed to be happy to hear from me, she might have also just been being nice. I know she’s busy- she’s getting married soon and they just got a dog, but I feel unsure of things. I think I’ll just let it be and move on, regardless of if she writes back or not.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 12:43 pm Aww. I hope if she writes back you reconsider and answer her. When I have reconnected with people, I notice that the conversation is a little choppy in the beginning. Sometimes they answer and some times they don’t. We can go back and forth many times and then silence for a spell. I’d try to roll with it and see what happens.
Claire* July 22, 2017 at 1:11 pm Oh, I’ll write back! I just meant I need to move on mentally if she doesn’t. I just don’t want to dwell on it. (I worded it poorly.)
someone101* July 22, 2017 at 12:47 pm Don’t feel stupid it’s nice to catch up! I think socially a week isn’t that long. I mean she’s preparing for a huge life event, probably working and getting a new family member settled in, and the week has probably flown past before she’s even realised. I keep in touch with an old friend she works full time and I’ve not long had a baby; when I get messages from her I think ok I will reply when ive finished making this cup of tea or whatever the next thing I know it’s 5 days later. However she understands as she’s the same with her replies. I think sometimes being an adult just takes up a lot of time!
Simone R* July 22, 2017 at 2:10 pm I honestly wouldn’t worry too much-my friends and I will email intensely for a month and then it will drop off for a while. It’s a lot to always be responding to emails, and sometimes there’s not that much that happened in a day or a week that feels email worthy or sometimes things are so crazy it’s overwhelming to type out.
Queen of Cans & Jars* July 22, 2017 at 2:59 pm I agree. Once you’re caught up with someone, it may be a little while before there’s more to say.
Anon attorney* July 22, 2017 at 3:03 pm I get this because I have a email-only friend who goes silent for weeks and it plays hell with my anxiety/rejection feels. But a week isn’t that long, and if she’s planning a wedding she’s probably pretty busy. Could be she’s been thinking “I must reply to Claire” but hasn’t had time to sit down and do it properly but doesn’t want to just fire off a couple of quick lines either. I think letting go and just trying to value whatever this brings you is a solid strategy.
Saturnalia* July 22, 2017 at 10:34 pm Ha, just realizing that I both worry the hell out of delayed replies and mysteriously vanish from all communication for various lengths of time while super stressing over my replies. :-) Oh, anxiety, always all anxious like that…
Ramona Flowers* July 22, 2017 at 10:03 pm You can’t email intensely back and forth all the time so these things can come in bursts sometimes.
Mephyle* July 23, 2017 at 1:13 pm If I were her, and I were happy to hear from you, I would be really bummed if after we managed to get some communication going, you took offense because I was too busy to keep up a constant stream of email (wedding, and dog, and my daily life and all). And then when I finally found time to reply, you ghosted. Yeah, I would figure that you were being insincere when you got in touch and didn’t really want to keep up with me. So please give her a break even if there are months of silence, and assume the best.
Shay* July 22, 2017 at 12:40 pm Is it weird that I want to grow out the gray/white hair coming in? It’s strictly around my face. Since January I have asked my hairdresser not to touch it at all and she’ll agree — and then cover most of it with highlights/lowlights. It’s almost 8 months and it could have been nearly grown out by now but instead is almost back to day one. I think I can’t go back to her anymore — but now I wonder, will any hairdresser respect this request? Or do I just not get any of my hair touched up at all while I let the front grow out?
Countess Boochie Flagrante* July 22, 2017 at 12:43 pm A good hairdresser should absolutely respect that you only want certain areas touched up! Shame on your old stylist for not getting that.
Cookie D'oh* July 22, 2017 at 12:54 pm Yes, a good stylist should absolutely respect that you want to grow it out. I’ve been seeing my stylist for over 10 years, but she still consults with me before she starts to discuss what I want. She’s never done anything different without asking me about it first.
Nynaeve* July 22, 2017 at 12:57 pm I have a streak like that and I’ve grown it out before. Some stylists think it’s awesome and others have their fingers actively twitching to try to cover it up. But they’ve all done what I said I wanted. Find a new stylist.
Heaven* July 22, 2017 at 1:06 pm I don’t think it’s weird to want to grow it out at all! My mum has recently started getting some noticeable streaks of white hair, but they actually blend in really nicely with her natural colour, to the point where she gets asked where she got her highlights done, ironically enough. I think when it comes to specifying what you want doing with your hair, it’s helpful to remember that in the hairdresser-client situation, you are technically the boss. YOU are the one telling your hairdresser what you want doing. Think of it as employing them for the service of styling your hair – like any design job, the person providing the service can make suggestions and offer their opinion, but at the end of the day you are the one making the decisions.
Sam Foster* July 22, 2017 at 3:43 pm A good hairdresser, or really anyone you pay for a service, should do exactly what you want as long as it is legal and within their capabilities. Change hairdressers.
kb* July 22, 2017 at 6:36 pm A good hairdresser would totally respect this request, though they may suggest ways to ease the transition, especially if your current hair color is dark. I would recommend having a really thorough consultation with a new stylist; if you can, draw out what you’re looking to achieve or find pictures online. Silver hair has been really trendy recently, so I bet there are tons of stylists out there who would be eager to help you embrace those greys.
nonegiven* July 22, 2017 at 7:56 pm My temples are gray, the hair in those spots is a different texture than the rest. If it would grow out, it would be easier to tame. Even when I’ve grown six inches of straight as a board hair in the back, the temples are still wiry, short and crazy. I’m thinking about just cutting that part short and ignoring it.
Ramona Flowers* July 22, 2017 at 10:05 pm Your hairdresser isn’t listening and that’s not cool. I’m curious about the growing out thing though – I kind of assumed grey or white would just keep being that colour. Are the roots coming through a different colour?
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 10:39 pm I thought she meant that she’s trying to let the natural grey grow out but her hairdresser keeps coloring the grey hairs when they grow.
Ramona Flowers* July 23, 2017 at 4:40 am I did get that, I’m just curious about the fact that natural grey grows out – does it not just keep being grey?
Windchime* July 23, 2017 at 4:05 pm Yes, it keeps being gray. I think when people are saying “grow out”, they mean “let the gray keep being gray as the hair grows” instead of the hairdresser coloring over the gray.
JenM* July 23, 2017 at 7:46 am It doesn’t matter if it’s weird or not. It’s your hair and your money. Definitely find a new hairdresser!
Gaia* July 23, 2017 at 10:52 am I don’t think it is weird at all. My grey is growing in one strand at a time in more of a “highlights” type fashion around the front of my hair. I kind of like them. But more importantly, your stylist didn’t listen to you. That is not okay. I agree with the others: find someone new who listens.
AvonLady Barksdale* July 22, 2017 at 12:48 pm Today is the last day of our beach vacation, and I must say it’s been lovely. We’re here with my boyfriend’s whole family (aunts, uncles, cousins) and they’ve been really welcoming. I haven’t felt too overwhelmed. Some rough points: his stepmother is AWFUL for various reasons, and one of the couples in our house is made up of smokers who drink Busch Light all day and don’t really talk. I also have not slept well at all, but there is plenty of napping to be done. I learned why beach vacations are often a week long; after 5 days, the sand can drive you crazy.
Saturnalia* July 22, 2017 at 10:41 pm I’m glad it’s going well! Sounds like it’s better than you feared, which is always the way we hope things go :-) It really does always seem harder to sleep on vacation!!
AvonLady Barksdale* July 23, 2017 at 2:39 pm I usually sleep beautifully in hotel rooms, but this one… D’oh! Our rental was a traditionally rickety beach house (amazing location) with thin walls, and my boyfriend’s dad likes to wake up way early and be productive, so it’s loud. Plus, our rule is that the dog gets to sleep in our bed during vacations, but this bed was a queen and it was a bit tight with two humans and a 65-pound pooch, and he kind of refused to get in his crate. Also, the beer-drinking couple (bf’s uncle and his is-she-really-his-girlfriend-or-not) would wake up at 5am to smoke and start drinking, so it was rough. We’re home now and I kind of passed out sitting up on the sofa. My knee, which has been bothering me a lot, is a wreck from all the walking on sand and in flip flops. The dog had the TIME OF HIS LIFE and loves the beach, but he is wiped out from the heat, the activity, and the kids. A lazy day for us for sure, but damn, we seem to need it. I do feel quite rested, though, despite the rough sleeping. The Outer Banks are just as beautiful as everyone says.
Anon here* July 22, 2017 at 12:50 pm I don’t have much experience in this area, so I’d appreciate some advice. There’s a guy that I like in a class I’m taking. He approached me and we talked for a little bit. I don’t know what happened, because then one day I overheard him telling someone that he has an “image and reputation” to uphold or something. Does he think he’s better than me or something? After that whole thing, he sort of started avoiding me.
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 1:30 pm Can you explain why you think the conversation a few days later had anything to do with you? I’m not seeing why you’re connecting the two. I think he thought maybe he kind of liked you and then now maybe is interested in somebody else; if so, that’s a classic que sera sera moment.
Anon here* July 22, 2017 at 1:57 pm When he was mentioning the “image and reputation” thing, I overheard my name and the person he was talking to was looking at me.
Anonymous Educator* July 22, 2017 at 2:01 pm I would just give him the benefit of the doubt unless you know for sure. And if he is indeed looking down on you and ignoring you or whatever, well, you dodged a bullet.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 7:00 pm This. Your image and rep are far more important than his. Say “thanks for showing me your true colors” and move forward. You can do better than this dude.
SystemsLady* July 23, 2017 at 2:33 pm Yeah, I can think of a couple charitable possibilities (he’s married or dating and hadn’t told you, you look much younger than him and he’s worried about that, etc.)
matcha123* July 22, 2017 at 12:52 pm I feel increasingly isolated from the people around me. Logically, I know that I have some good friends who would be fine with hanging out. But, all of my friends come from relatively stable backgrounds, and when they talk about buying homes, finding partners/marriage, promotions, etc. I feel like the odd person out. My job position doesn’t offer promotions and my family is very small and I grew up quite poor. Moreover, just doing simple things like calling up someone to hang out or chat are incredibly difficult for me. Growing up I was told that I didn’t need friends, that the people I called friends were only kind to me because they took pity on poor people and that my friends didn’t really like me because they didn’t call to hang out/their parents didn’t drive to my neighborhood to pick me up (our family didn’t have a car). I keep thinking that I’m not fun and my friends here only offer insincere invites to hang out. I know I need to take the initiative, and I do at times. I try to tell myself, repeatedly, that they wouldn’t hang out if they didn’t like me. But those thoughts of being rejected and being annoying keep coming back. Do you think it’s worth it to tell my friends this aspect of my past? Would this be too big of a burden for someone to hear? I don’t really want their reassurance, but I guess I want them to understand that I’m not rejecting their friendship? Any advice?
families* July 22, 2017 at 2:42 pm Are you able to go therapy? My family taught me similar things and it really helped me to work with a therapist to work on dismantling these feelings. For me, these are tied to feelings about your family/ties to your family that have not been fully explored and dismantled, since even though you know intellectually that your friends would not hang out with you if they didn’t lik you, you can’t get rid of it intellectually.
Reba* July 22, 2017 at 2:55 pm First, do you have access to a counselor of some kind you could talk about this with? The things your family told you growing up are very, very ugly. It’s no surprise that you are still dealing with them and feel somewhat unsure of yourself. I think it’s worth sharing some of this with friends. If you wanted to tell someone you’re pretty close to, I think something along the lines of: “Sometimes I don’t accept invitations/I cancel our plans [if this is the kind of thing you mean by ‘rejecting their friendship’] because I struggle with social stuff due to some emotional abuse in my past. It’s not about you and I enjoy spending time together.” I’d avoid saying simply “I worry that you hate me” because most people would want to immediately reassure you that they don’t, which the unkind voice in your mind won’t let you believe, so you may still wonder… But if they want to tell you that they care about you, try to let them. They might ask what they can do to help, or they might respond awkwardly–for some people this is probably too heavy, honestly–and that’s less than ideal but not the end of the world. Good luck!
Andrea* July 22, 2017 at 3:07 pm Therapy would likely be a good avenue. You might also just create an experiment for yourself–the Year of Yes (HT, Shonda Rimes). Say yes to any invitation you get for a year that doesn’t conflict with something else. See how that feels. Remember, too, that invitations are two way and to reciprocate.
matcha123* July 23, 2017 at 12:09 am Generally, I say “yes” to almost all invitations. I’m happy they’ve invited me! Even if it’s something I’m not terribly interested in, I will go because the person is a friend and I like spending time with them. However, I rarely ever invite people out. I don’t think people would be interested in walking around shopping districts for hours without eating before heading home. And while I’d love to have people over, I don’t have much to offer aside from Netflix. I guess I feel like even when I do want to reach out to someone, I don’t have much to offer. I can’t talk about retirement for parents or buying a house or other “normal” topics, and I fear they would get bored or depressed around me. I am not doing any therapy, I’m not in an area that offers good services. The past few years I’ve been taking a step back to evaluate my feelings and move from there.
PX* July 23, 2017 at 6:44 am So I just want to pick up on this idea that you cant have people over because you dont have much to offer..I’m trying to think of a nice way to put this but thats a very skewed way of thinking? I’m terrible with words and this sounds a lot like it has to do with your upbringing but like, if someone is friends with you – its generally because they enjoy your company? Its not like a competition where you have to have the nicest things to offer them? I mean, to try and put it in context, I just made plans with a friend of mine to go over to her place next weekend, order takeaway, watch terrible movies and maybe drink some gin. And thats it. Thats all there is to it. To me, just her hospitality and offering to do that is plenty and is really appreciated! So I guess what I’m trying to say is that just offering and opening up your home to someone to come over and just hang out is usually all you need to do! I dont even have a TV so when my friends come over they’re stuck just talking to me :P
matcha123* July 23, 2017 at 11:59 am I guess this comes from friends who had more than me. When they’d come over in elementary school for sleepovers, they’d kind of poo-poo our store brand pop and such. When I’d go to their homes, they’d usually have more food to offer. In high school, one friend invited herself over and went, “I’m a guest, aren’t you going to give me something to eat?” I told her we (I) didn’t have anything to offer aside from bread, and she took the bread but seemed insulted/surprised/disgusted… The fact that ordering pizza was a huge ordeal was really demeaning for me. Especially since I had to pay out of my part-time job wages.
Elspeth McGillicuddy* July 23, 2017 at 11:20 am Hospitality is PBJ on paper plates. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Offer what you have and make sure the guests feel welcome. And Netflix is a great excuse to have people over. Bad Movie Marathon, Silent Movie Night, any other movie theme night. Just serve pizza and, if you want to get really fancy, box mix brownies hot from the oven with ice cream. If you cook, have people over for a fancy meal. That and conversation will fill a whole evening. If you don’t cook, you can serve take out. Then play cards or a board game. Anything that you can do and talk. If you bake, have someone over to help make a few batches of cookies. Or a project too big to be sensible, like homemade puff pastry. If you don’t bake, invite someone to make a mess with you trying. If it works well, you get yummy food. If not, a hilarious mess. A craft project you’ve never tryed or that you love. Just make sure the bathrooms aren’t utterly embarrasing, and probably feed them. Chips and dip work fine. Its not hard, and its a lot of fun.
matcha123* July 23, 2017 at 12:01 pm Okay, I’ll try that. My place is tiny anyways, so I can really only have one or two people over at a time. And strangely, my bathroom is the room I’m most proud of!
Windchime* July 23, 2017 at 4:12 pm Yes to this. I used to get all anxious over having people over because my family of origin never had guests over who weren’t family (and even that was rare). But I’ve since learned that it’s perfectly acceptable to have someone over to watch a movie and serve popcorn and pop (even if it’s store brand!). A take-and-bake pizza is also perfectly fine; delivery is great if it’s available in your area (it wasn’t when I was growing up so it feels like a big luxury to me now). Your friends aren’t going to judge your tiny apartment or your store-brand pop; if they do, then maybe they’re not the kind of people you want to be hanging out with. Honestly, if you were someone that I liked them I would be plenty happy with sharing some microwave popcorn and a diet Coke while watching a movie on Netflix.
HannahS* July 22, 2017 at 3:07 pm Well, here’s my two cents as someone on the other side of this equation! I have a friend or two that are terrible at initiating things and flake out a lot. It’s been very helpful for me to understand that they are highly anxious and insecure, and didn’t want to initiate because they were sure that I–and our other friends–wouldn’t want to see them. If I hadn’t known that, I would have assumed that they felt ok to see me sometimes for old times’ sake, but weren’t interested in reciprocating or having a real friendship. The knowledge that they feel that way isn’t a burden to me; I just make sure that I invite them to stuff and mentally shrug when my overtures aren’t returned. However, there are some factors to consider. 1) The fact that they don’t reach out makes our friendship less close, because it assigns me the task of always reaching out and planning; even if I know why, it’s still tiring to always plan/host, so I see them less often. 2) I have learned that with the exception of my nearest and dearest, other people’s mental health is not my problem. When friend A says stuff like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to bother you, I wasn’t sure that you’d want to see me….” I say, “No, it wouldn’t have bothered me at all! I’d have been happy to see you.” and THAT’S IT. I don’t try to work through her insecurities and she doesn’t ask and ask and ask for reassurance. If you/your friends are not like that, be wary of falling into a very taxing dynamic. 3) It can be as big or as small a deal as you’d like. If you want to share information about your childhood, and have a big conversation in a I-want-you-to-understand-where-I’m-coming-from, do it! If you don’t feel comfortable with that, you can still say, “It’s really hard, emotionally, for me to reach out to people. I’m telling you because I don’t want you to think that I don’t want to be friends; I do! Could you keep inviting me to things?” 4) It sounds like some people were seriously awful and manipulative to you as a kid. If it’s holding you back from being happy, it’s worth tackling either on your own or with help (which you might already be doing; I don’t mean to presume).
Ramona Flowers* July 22, 2017 at 10:08 pm Agree on 2. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this stuff but I would really advise starting with therapy. It can be really hard knowing a friend has these issues as it means you worry how your every move will be interpreted. I’m not saying don’t tell them – just be realistic about what you want them to do once they know.
Saturnalia* July 22, 2017 at 10:51 pm Really good stuff here, I loved to hear from the other side. I’ve used 3 to good effect – it is such a relief to explain how I work to people I’m close to, cause then I don’t feel like they expect me to be more social than I am. It’s tempting to make it a big feelingsdump but brevity provides a clearer point.
matcha123* July 23, 2017 at 12:25 am I definitely don’t do the last minute flake out thing. That was one of the things some friends did when I was younger and I hated it. I feel like with the friends I’ve opened up to about portions of my past that were not normal, I then can have a more normal relationship with them. I don’t know if that makes sense. But, when I tell closer friends that I grew up poor and struggle now, it makes it easier for me to talk to them in general. Not for making excuses about bad behavior. From there I can speak more freely with them and I’m more likely to reach out to invite them for a cup of coffee. However, I don’t really know if I’m dropping a huge emotional bomb on them. For me, it’s like, now that my friend knows this part of me, I feel comfortable chatting about whatever or letting them know my preferences in a more normal way (ie “I’d love to go out, but I’m not feeling being around people, how does next week look for you?”). I don’t want them to feel like they need to tiptoe around my feelings. And after I open up to someone, it’s like I can be myself. I will admit that the people I am closest to know are the types that are more aggressive about contacting all of their friends to talk about their personal frustrations. It makes it a bit easier for me to stay in contact when my friend wants to rant, but also listens to my frustrations, too. Yes, I’ve really been working on trying to tackle this. And before I do call someone, I rehearse scenarios where they say “no” and I keep reminding myself that everyone is entitled to say “no” or turn down an invitation to an event.
HannahS* July 23, 2017 at 5:34 pm It sounds like you’re not dropping an emotional bomb. I think that people will take their cues from you; if you feel or act like the purpose of the conversation is to work through your childhood difficulties or get reassurance, then that’s what the conversation will be. But if it doesn’t feel like a feelings-bomb to you, it probably doesn’t feel like one to them. What I was trying to get at with point 2 is that my friends share really personal information without the expectation that I’m going to be their therapist, and I know better than to try to be their therapist anyway, so it doesn’t become this big emotional mess where our roles have changed or anything, it’s just, like, getting a deeper understanding of someone I care about. It sounds like you’ve had good results in the past!
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 7:37 pm Sorting through stuff from my childhood, I used to tell myself 20 years in the making and it will be another 20 years in the UNmaking. Actually things started getting better when I got into my 30s. My 40s were even better. Honestly, you have already faced the worst rejection there is. And that rejection is family who tells such a nasty, nasty LIE to a child. Why on earth would anyone do that to a child? The people you were most dependent on FAILED you in the biggest way, they did not teach you how to survive and thrive. Framed this way, anything that happens next will never be as bad. But in some ways we have to prove to ourselves that the world does not work the way we were taught. This means taking risks. What risks are you willing to take? My suggestion is take a long series of baby steps. This is where you don’t do anything that hard but you keep trying. It’s super easy to think of all the things you will not do, tell yourself to stop and think of things you will try. If you dwell on what you cannot do then you will have difficulty starting anything. A few years ago I lost my husband and numerous close family members. I was reeling. And I was not thinking straight. But I told myself, “If I want to prove I am alone in the world, I WILL be able to do that.” This is not actually a good goal. And cruel irony, the way out was to force myself to go out the house with a smile on my face. (I did take breaks, I did not make myself do this every single day.) It worked, it took time to work though. I will always be a person who enjoys my quiet time and probably you will find that about yourself also. My suggestion to you is to logically look at your approach, extrovert yourself one day and then give yourself a day of rest the next day. But KEEP doing this. Your rest period will be as important as your active period. My next suggestion, I have mentioned a few times to others, is to make a group of acquaintances. People you know from the library or church or the gym, etc. This helps because you learn what other people are doing and their interests, which gives you things to talk about and think about. It gives you random, positive interactions. Books can be a great friend to you. You can read on dysfunctional families or you can read about friendships and how healthy relationships work. I read a lot of advice columns for YEARS. I am not sure what topics would be relevant to your setting but you can start with googling and looking for books discussing things tangent to what you have seen in life. Seems to me that you have been commenting on AAM for a while now. This is great! You found a way to put yourself out there and talk with others. So you are already helping yourself and maybe not even realizing. I agree with the therapy suggested above. And I would also like to ask you to mull something over. When you are worried about people liking you, do you ever try to figure out if you like them? Of the times I have asked this question most people told me NO. They never even tried to figure out if they liked the people they were trying to hang out with. Sometimes the best we can get is knowing that we genuinely like a person. What they do is on them. We are only responsible for our own sincerity. So stop and think the next time Lizard Brain acts up. Ask yourself, “But do I actually like this person?” Be confident in your own sincerity.
matcha123* July 23, 2017 at 12:11 pm I think your last paragraph is pretty true. When I look back, I see that I’ve let a few people’s actions dominate how I react to various situations. I switched jobs a few months ago, and I’ve met some really open people. I keep trying to fight back that voice in my head that is telling me that they wouldn’t want to hang out with me. So far, their actions say that they enjoy being around me. Now it’s up to me to reciprocate, because I do like being around them!
Chaordic One* July 22, 2017 at 9:05 pm Don’t avoid the friends that you already have, but don’t just settle for them either. There are people that I consider friends who I know I can’t really count on to be there for me when I need them, so I’ve continued to explore new things and to make new friends, in addition to the old.. (You can never have too many friends.) I’ve met a lot of interesting people and made a lot of friends by volunteering.
matcha123* July 23, 2017 at 12:07 pm Hmm…This is really something I’ve been reflecting on for a while. I kind of assumed that if the people I knew best were, at most, lukewarm towards me, that most people were the same. But I’m starting to see that good friends are not like that at all…
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 4:55 pm That is right, keep spreading out and finding more people. Watch for folks who do random acts of kindness, either to you or other people. This tells you something about their character.
Debbie Doormat* July 22, 2017 at 12:58 pm How do I find and maintain a good balance between being a sympathetic ear and feeling like a punching bag? I’ve been assigned the role of “therapist” to my friends. I’m quiet and a good listener, so they tend to unload all of their problems onto me. It’s my own fault, because I try to help them and give them advice. One friend even told me, “I just need to vent all my emotions and you tend to face the brunt of those emotions.” When I need a shoulder to lean on, they are there, but not as much. (They seem annoyed.)
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 1:17 pm Can you identify which part makes you feel like a punching bag? Is it the failure to reciprocate, the feeling that conversations tend to be one-sided, or all of the above or something else? (Also, I find often what happens to me isn’t so much that I don’t want the role as that I don’t want *only* the role; I’m okay being the organizer, but I don’t want it always to be me organizing and our relationship being only me organizing.) You have a couple of possibilities, both of which involve you taking some action. One is to explicitly raise this pattern–“Hey, I’ve noticed I tend to passively slip into the role of shoulder to cry on, and then I feel like I’m missing out on the *good* stuff in people’s lives and also I end up not feeling able to tell people my own problems. Can you help me break that pattern?” Putting it this way makes it about them helping you change, rather than you telling them to be different. Another is to just start changing your conversational approaches. If somebody seems to be settling down for a long moan, redirect them–“Oh, I hate that kind of thing! But I gotta ask if you saw the last episode of [whatever]–I’m dying here!” I suspect also that you feel driven to pick up dropped clues, so stop doing it–if somebody answers “I don’t know; it’s hard to think about that with my work problems” you don’t have to give them an opening to talk about the work problems. You can also split the difference and make it about “today”–“I’m not up to facing heavy talk today–can we talk about our cats?” It’s also possible you’re in a friend-drift stage of life, which happens; people grow at different paces, and sometimes friends from old patterns become an uncomfortable fit.
The Cosmic Avenger* July 22, 2017 at 1:49 pm I think you need to separate your desire to help and your desire to be helped. I understand the feeling of being taken advantage of, but I find that I need to resist bean-counting in relationships, as all that does is breed resentment, and makes it difficult to frame what I do want from others. If you’re tired of listening, then change the subject or remove yourself from the situation — Captain Awkward has great advice about drawing and holding to boundaries. If you’re tired of not being listened to, then find people who listen to you and spend time with them, and when your friends talk over you or dismiss you, address that, but don’t bring up your listening to them. That makes it sound like you’re doing it with the expectation of reciprocity. Like I said, I understand that feeling, I’ve had friends who were users, who didn’t spare a thought for others, or were just plain selfish with time or other resources. It worked out much better when I just told them what I wanted/needed, and if I didn’t get it I just didn’t hang out with them as much. But often stating your wants and needs that plainly can help.
HannahS* July 22, 2017 at 3:38 pm I don’t know, but sympathize. Is it possible to be less available? I know with one friend I just hit a limit, and when she would ask me if I could talk, I’d give a “Sorry, no” or “I’m really busy right now, but we can talk next week” by which point the crisis would be over. It helped to, well, not be there for people as much.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 7:47 pm This is why I don’t do venting with anyone. I got drained, totally drained. I would point blank say, “Is this a vent or do you want to solve/slow this problem? Because if it’s a vent, I can’t do vents anymore. I am maxed out.” I felt more like an enabler than I did a peer. I enabled some people to keep making the same lousy choices over and over. They would get their fill of crap, come over dump it on me and then go back for more. Some folks have been doing this for 30 years. That should scare you into action, right? I stopped listening about year 22 or so. And they are still out there venting to some poor soul. Let people know that you have become solutions focused. You don’t mind listening to a problem IF the two of you are going to brainstorm solutions after the problem is explained. If people tell you that they always listen to your problems and you must listen to theirs, start spending less and less time with those people.
Saturnalia* July 22, 2017 at 10:55 pm There is someone in my life with whom I will be trying variations of that line! Because it actually has been years of the same venting topics, and I care enough for this person that I want to at least try helping them see the pattern.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 9:54 am For me it was not worth maintaining the relationship if my chief job was to listen to the rants. Push came to shove on this point for me when I had my own “life stuff” going on that demanded my immediate attention. I could not sink the time in anymore and I got a little ticked that certain people could not see I was having some life changing stuff going on. “But you don’t understand, I was orphaned 55 years ago!” No, I do understand. I also understand that you have had 55 years to build a life after your tragedy, your folks did not die yesterday. It’s a part of your life story, not the sum total of your life story. It felt heartless to me, but then I realized what was missing was that I needed to take care of me first and bale myself out of my own hot mess.
Saturnalia* July 23, 2017 at 12:33 pm That totally makes sense. I don’t think it was heartless of you to put on your own oxygen mask first! I think a very key test of any relationship is how conflicting needs are handled. They needed to vent, you needed support… And it always ended in them getting to vent. I don’t have that particular bugaboo to deal with, but I’m always watching to make sure I’m not giving up on my own needs just to be a rant receptacle.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 4:59 pm Yes, right. Don’t wait until there is an unfortunate extreme in life in order to see that they are taking and you are giving and not much else is going on.
just another day* July 22, 2017 at 9:14 pm omg, been there! About 10 years ago I worked my way out of this role by focusing on being extremely humble and remembering (and constantly reminding myself) that I can’t provide advice because I don’t have all of the information (even if the person seems to be telling me everything) and I don’t want the responsibility of having influence over someone else’s decisions. I’ve learned to only ever give advice when specifically asked for it and even then I work hard to re-frame the request into questions for the person to consider.
Ramona Flowers* July 22, 2017 at 10:42 pm People who drain you are often a one-way street – they won’t change or reciprocate and will react badly if you set boundaries. Stop trying to help. Ask yourself what beliefs you have – do you feel you have to help? Why, what does it mean if you do or don’t help? It was very hard for me to learn to say “oh dear, I hope you get it sorted” but my god it’s been liberating.
Sparkly Librarian* July 22, 2017 at 1:00 pm My wife and I were contacted by a pregnant woman who is considering making an adoption plan. It’s VERY early in the process, and it may come to nothing, but I am an incorrigible planner (and it helps me cope). She lives in Michigan and is due in January, so we two native Californians would have to navigate the frozen Midwest for two or three weeks, with a newborn, while we wait for the legal paperwork to go through and allow us to return home with the baby. I imagine that we’d be inside most of the time (hotel rooim with kitchenette, Ronald McDonald House, or similar), but we’d still have to go to and from the hospital, the grocery store, and the airport at a minimum. How do you keep the baby warm and dry in a land of ice and snow?? Other advice from cold-weather natives (or those acclimated) is welcome. Not so much looking for adoption advice just now; suffice it to say that I know a lot can happen in six months and we are keeping in touch with our agency.
Emmie* July 22, 2017 at 1:19 pm Congratulations (I hope!) and fingers crossed for you. You won’t take the baby out much, if only to the airport and maybe a doctor’s visit. Have one of you two warm up the car for 10-15 minutes. Since you’re there for a short time and the baby is little, she won’t need a snowsuit. I’d cover her with an extra fleece blanket in the car seat, and drape another fleece or wool blanket over the car seat like a tent. It’ll keep all her heat inside her space. Like other humans, babies body temps vary so touch her to see how cold and warm her hands and feet are. You can put her in socks, and those little baby mittens. She’ll be fine. You two will be a bit worried. ;).
OlympiasEpiriot* July 22, 2017 at 2:09 pm If you’re somewhere you won’t have to drive all the time, I say baby-wearing with the baby under your coat with you. That way, if you’re warm, they’re warm. If you are hot, the baby probably is, too, and needs a little cooling off. (It was so easy then…)
Yetanother Jennifer* July 22, 2017 at 2:19 pm It’s recommended that you do not put a coat on a baby and then buckle them into their car seat. Coats can compress significantly during a crash. You can buy a warm cover to go over a baby bucket car seat and that should be safe and sufficient for what you need. And lots of people just drape a blanket over the handle. Just keep in mind that babies can’t regulate their own temperatures so you need to keep an eye out for signs of cold or overheating. Also, dress the baby in layers so you can add or remove clothing as needed. Good luck!
Sparkly Librarian* July 22, 2017 at 4:22 pm For the short amount of time we’ll be there, a blanket may be the answer. Or someone local might have a carseat cover we can borrow. What are those things called?
Thlayli* July 22, 2017 at 6:49 pm Car seats these days can be taken in and out of car with baby in it. So put baby in car seat in their indoor clothes while you are indoors then just pile on the blankets right before you go out. Remember a folded blanket is 2 layers and a double fold is 4 layers. I think for newborns rhey revommend 2 layers more then adults (though please look this up as I may be misremembering). So if you are in the car wearing 3 layers baby should have 5 – a vest, babygro, folded blanket and an extra blanket. Don’t forget a hat.
TootsNYC* July 22, 2017 at 3:42 pm it’s also how amazing the single layer of the baby undershirt can help
Jen* July 22, 2017 at 7:57 pm Babies can’t go into thier car seats safely with puffy winter stuff (too much air space to be safely restrained in an accident) so you likely don’t need to worry about that – just do the usual layers, and in this case on top of the straps in the car seat – blankets etc. Baby wearing is great for outdoor walks and public transit, and even in a stroller you’ll want the baby strapped in and blankets on top. They can’t see too far from thier faces so a blanket over the stroller to protect from the wind isn’t even boring especially if the quilt side faces them. How lovely for your family to get a few weeks to bond together in the cold – you can cuddle and visit and sing and whatever else you’ll want to do without many strangers wanting to see the baby because they’ll all be rushing in the cold from place to place too. In northern Canada where my family has thier babies we also spend a HUGE amount of time in museums and malls and libraries so we can be inside and warm but somewhere different to walk around and explore. You all are going to have so much fun!
Sparkly Librarian* July 22, 2017 at 11:55 pm Thank you! I will research some of those indoor possibilities as well… even with an adorable little one eating up all our sleep, I expect we might get a little bored of the same four walls after a bit. I am looking forward to the bonding with just the three of us (in any match where we have to wait on ICPC) — it’s the positive side to being stuck away from home for so long without our support network. You made me think about something, though… Where we are, babies in bucket seats get transferred into the car and then parents load up the stroller and the shopping bags and all (or the carseat stays in the car, and the kiddo gets taken from the baby carrier and placed into the seat while the grownup kneels and leans in from outside), and this all happens out in the parking lot or at the curb, and the car doors and hatchback are all open all the time. Obviously not so good when it’s freezing outside. Do places with colder weather have more sheltered parking structures, or different methods of doing that without suffering unduly? I feel silly for never having contemplated this.
Sparkly Librarian* July 23, 2017 at 12:30 am Hoping this doesn’t double-post… Thank you! I will research some of those indoor possibilities as well… even with an adorable little one eating up all our sleep, I expect we might get a little bored of the same four walls after a bit. I am looking forward to the bonding with just the three of us (in any match where we have to wait on ICPC) — it’s the positive side to being stuck away from home for so long without our support network. You made me think about something, though… Where we are, babies in bucket seats get transferred into the car and then parents load up the stroller and the shopping bags and all (or the carseat stays in the car, and the kiddo gets taken from the baby carrier and placed into the seat while the grownup kneels and leans in from outside), and this all happens out in the parking lot or at the curb, and the car doors and hatchback are all open all the time. Obviously not so good when it’s freezing outside. Do places with colder weather have more sheltered parking structures, or different methods of doing that without suffering unduly? I feel silly for never having contemplated this.
Jen* July 23, 2017 at 3:40 am Ha! That’s so interesting, I feel silly for not contemplating it on the other side! I suspect we have a bit more shelter options, at least for the librarian type people (I was raised by two librarians, so I am here to say you all give your kids an awesome life because of the access to information). In our family usually it just means two parent families get to trade off – in our family it was based first on skill then on interest – so my dad was skilled and interested in gardening and music while my mom was skilled and interested in finances and logistics – so the division of labour would extend to unloading the car – kids in first, adult to deal with them, and second adult deals with kid debri and taking garbage out of the car (even in frozen climates you’ll want to police the kids seats for food and beverage). May I also suggest some of those daytime movie theatres which are welcoming to young families? They came after our time but sound like they welcome fussy babies and parents who are stil adjusting and might let you and your wife feel like you’re getting a break that’s better than just in front of the TV. Also, if renting a vehicle ask if they have remote starters which are a total luxury if hotel has a parking lot in zapping site, otherwise I totally spring for valet because why not if you can afford to eliminate hassle? In addition to museums and libraries we also spent a LOT of time at art galleries in the winter and outdoor public history and art sites in the summer – it’s possible that in Canada we were also seeking out sites welcoming to a variety of families – I’m hoping that would also ring true in the states? Especially when you and your kid are just adjusting to loving and caring for each other – it’s so nice to be in spaces where you don’t have to worry about emotional or other boundaries
Jen* July 23, 2017 at 3:43 am By librarian type people I mean we often are lucky enough to have options with resources, including money – so we always had houses with garages for instance so the first load of the car and the last unload are easier. It’s also true that it’s possible to adjust to the cold, same as the heat, so it’s possible that over time in addition to proper clothing for grown ups and blankets/mitts/hats for babies feels even more effective – not sure you’ll be there long enough for that to take effect – but if nothing else the layers won’t be a waste in y
Jen* July 23, 2017 at 3:54 am Oops – won’t we a waste in your home climate I mean. And re car seats – in a home we often have storm doors so in a no-garage situation a single adult could leave the main door open while loading the car and listening for baby cries, and load the baby last – then on the unload its weirdly often still baby last because if they are sleeping you don’t want to wake them and the warmth of the car typicall lasts enough during unload, and an awake and fussy kid is often best restrained in the car during unload so they don’t go bad inside the house during unloading. A garage or hotel overhang shelter type thing will help – so you’ll be good in a hotel or B&B scenario. Also, people from cold climates LOVE bragging about thier toughness and explaining it which means you can usually co-op help from opinionated but helpful service people and strangers
amanda_cake* July 23, 2017 at 8:02 am It is cold where I live, but not as cold as it is in Michigan. Baby will go into infant carrier with base, so the carrier can be taken in and out of the car easily. You put it in base and there’s a click to let you know it’s in there. Absolutely no snow suits or big clothes as others have said. Carseat covers are great. You can sometimes get coupons to buy one for the cost of shipping it to you. As far as baby carriers, that could be helpful in your travels if you have a kid that wants to be close to you. My best friend is obsessed with Tula carriers. They ain’t cheap, but they are nicely made and resale value holds well. Check them out–they do small runs of prints so you have to snap up something you like quickly. The big things you will need to buy/bring are diapers, blankets, wipes, and outfits. I also suggest taking baby out as little as possible in the beginning due to the weather. It will be way easier to send mom or dad to grocery store alone while the other stays with the baby.
Windchime* July 23, 2017 at 4:20 pm Your question reminds me of when I brought my first newborn home from the hospital. He had been in a Seattle hospital, but we were bringing him home to the cold, snowy part of the state. We bundled that poor little kid up in an undershirt, a warm sleeper that snapped up the front, and then yet another warm full-body bag type thing along with a knit hat. Then he got buckled into his car seat and covered in a blanket. It was a 3 hour trip and it’s a wonder he didn’t cook to death, he was so layered up. Fingers crossed for you!
Jessica* July 23, 2017 at 5:29 pm Congrats! Sending good vibes to you and to the birth mother that all goes smoothly. I’m from MN (where I was the oldest of 5 kids) and now live in IL (with my 1-year-old), so I know babies and cold weather. :) It will be fine! Put the baby in a hat and a couple layers of warm clothing, then into the carrier/car seat while still inside. Wrap a nice fleece blanket around the baby, and then drape lighter breathable blanket over the top of the handle. In regards to your question about getting in and out of cars, our infant car seat could latch into our stroller. The car seat “hood” and the top of the stroller would each extend to cover the entire carseat, so it was a pretty wind-proof set-up and I’m guessing retained a fair amount of warmth. But if you’ll be with your partner, just always drop off the baby and parter1 close to the door, and then partner2 can park and bring in all the stuff. In general I would recommend staying in…not just because of the weather but because the newborn stage goes by SO fast! Go out when you have to for appointments, etc, but otherwise enjoy this special time of just being together. You can add in some outings (which TBH are always kind of stressful with your first baby until you get the hang of it) once you are back in CA!
anon wet pants* July 22, 2017 at 1:03 pm I need help with a script to say to my boyfriend ‘s mom. She is in her seventies and has some health problems. She has a warm, kind, and loving personality and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Several times that we have gone out and done family things together, she has wet her pants. The first few times we went to her home and she cleaned up and changed. This last time, she didn’t and when we finally got to her house, she didn’t change and spent the rest of the day in her wet pants. The boyfriend doesn’t want to say anything but I feel awful for the people who have sit in the restaurant chair or movie seat after her. Does anyone have a script of something to say? She already wears adult diapers and her doctors are aware of the problem. I am thinking of suggesting having a change of clothing in the car for her. But I don’t want to embarrass her. Should I ignore it though? I am going to check back Sunday night and I can’t check this post if any other information is needed so I hope I have given enough until then.
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 1:28 pm Obviously a shortcut is to notify the establishment when you’re leaving about the seat, so at least they know. However, it sounds to me like her adult diapers aren’t doing the job, and it’s worth considering the possibility that there’s a dementia factor in here if she’s not changing wet clothes or, I suspect, changing the adult diapers, hence the problem. I don’t know details on those–can you check to see if there are better brands or what the recommended change frequencies are? Does she have enough control over her urinary flow that regularly going to the bathroom would help this? Relevant though those questions are, they don’t answer the question of what you do. I think your boyfriend should contact her doctor with this information, because it really could be significant (I can’t tell if your boyfriend is reluctant to speak to his mother about delicate topics or just passive period). If she can use a bathroom, you could start relying on stereotype and hitting the ladies together before and after meals; whether you’re open with her about the strategy depends on your relationship with her and your role in her son’s life. As does just about anything else you could do as an intervention with her; you have to be pretty close to somebody before you can say “Hey, how about you change your Poise and your pants before we go to the movie?”
GirlwithaPearl* July 22, 2017 at 4:04 pm This is your boyfriend’s job and he needs to step up and handle this like an adult.
Engineer Girl* July 22, 2017 at 4:31 pm There are different level of diapers, from drips to gushes. Does she have the best one? I ageee that your boyfriend should be the one having the conversation. That said, you could bring up the comfort factor and also that Uric acid is hard on the skin (diaper rash, right?). Offer to help her change since you’re together in the ladies room. Something to note. Your boyfriend’s avoidance of the hard conversation is a problem for your relationship too. Those are critical for healthy relationships.
Thlayli* July 22, 2017 at 6:56 pm My thought too – if he is happier leaving his own mother sitting in urine soaked clothing than doing anything about it then that does not bode well for him as a potential husband/father (if that’s what you’re looking for). She’s his mother, it’s his responsibility to look after her when she get to the stage of not being able to look after herself (which it sounds like she has reached).
Jen* July 22, 2017 at 8:03 pm I hear you all, and you’re right, but it’s so difficult even for families with excellent communication to deal with this – it’s a major transition in the relationships as well as in physical and mental health and even in my large and experienced family with lots of nurses and teachers and other people used to leading during health problems it took a while to cope and manage this change with my grandmas, I’d try to be kind to the boyfriend as he navigates it and not extrapolate too quickly to his own life
WellRed* July 22, 2017 at 7:00 pm Echoing comments on quality, as well as make sure they are right size. Also, sadly, echoing dementia comments because she’s…not changing even when it’s easy to do. Finally, there are also underpads she could sit on to protect chair, but not sure how discreet that is in public.
..Kat..* July 23, 2017 at 5:02 am I think it is better to use underpads than leave a urine soaked seat. Even if you tell the establishment, it is difficult to get urine and the smell out of upholstery. Scheduled bathroom breaks is a good idea. Just be matter of fact.
Isobel* July 23, 2017 at 6:26 am You may be able to find seat pads that look pretty much like a normal cushion, so wouldn’t attract too much attention (other than “oh, that person maybe needs a bit more padding for comfort”). My mum has one for the car because my brother can be incontinent if he has an epileptic seizure.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 7:54 pm Loop in your boyfriend first, once you have a plan. Get his buy-in or support. If you can help him to figure out what his role might look like. I have a male friend whose mother had kidney problems. She was still okay mentally, though. My friend totally backed away from any “female issues” even though men pee also. He just did not want to get involved in that level of care. He did bust his butt taking care of many other things, though.
Laura* July 22, 2017 at 10:54 pm So I still wet my pants on occasion at almost 27. I definitely recommend taking a change of clothes(and a grocery bag for the wetted ones) if you know that it’s likely to be an issue. Or just keep a set in the car so that you don’t have to remember. As for the chair issue… do make sure that the folks know. And as a pure example of take my advice cause I don’t use it- a timer might be useful. Good luck.
Continence Nurse* July 23, 2017 at 7:39 am I’m a Continence Nurse so my take is a bit different. Do you have those where you are, and if so, does she know? There will certainly be a Continence Foundation somewhere where you live, providing access to resources and advice, and probably a freecall number to speak to a nurse. Incontinence is a symptom, not a disease, and while not every cause is fixable, there are plenty of management options. General practitioners can be a bit out of the loop – they have plenty of other things to concentrate on. Firstly, sudden worsening of leaking is very frequently caused by infection, and wearing pads increases the likelihood. It’s always worth checking (by dip stick, then sending a sample for micro culture). My take is that this is a touchy subject for an adult son and an elderly mother, and if it were me, I’d be matter of fact, and when you’re alone with her, just ask if she needs some help managing her incontinence. I’ve been doing this a while and I’m still surprised by how much people want my help. There are a bewildering array of products out there and people tend to stick to the ones they know. If she needs better options, did you know that the big brands have guides on their websites, and many will send you samples to try. They often have advisors too. Try Tena, Depend, maybe Hartmann/ Moli . Passive leaking is not a normal part of ageing, but it can be very common in type 2 diabetes, so I’m wondering about that. Please, have a really kind conversation with her, offer some options, maybe she just feels hopeless about it. Even if she has mild dementia, she’s going to be aware of this.
Teach* July 23, 2017 at 10:55 pm This is really good advice. There could be all kinds of health changes at play here. There are also specialists in the US that work with women on pelvic issues with specialized physical therapy. Their typical patient is an older woman with incontinence. Most doctors, even most OB/GYNs don’t refer because there is a belief that it’s “normal” for women, especially older women, to have incontinence. She may not know that there is help to be had.
anon wet pants* July 24, 2017 at 12:59 pm Thank you all for your kind replies. My boyfriend does take care of his mom except for this one blind spot. I think I will just support him with this and try to discreetly let the establishments know if the problem come up again. The idea of chair pads is a great one and I would not have thought of it myself.
Tau* July 22, 2017 at 1:21 pm So after a week and a half of searching, I have a flat! I will not have to start newJob while sleeping on someone’s couch! Said flat isn’t perfect, but I’m still looking forward to it a lot. (Not perfect mainly means that the architect was deeply in love with windows and didn’t consider that someone living on the ground floor might want some privacy. Especially while sleeping. Or showering. I’ve spent the last week learning more about different types of curtains and how to install them than I expected to ever need to know at this stage in my life.) For the first time in my adult life, I have something beyond the actual flat, namely a little terrace. I’d really, really like to do something with this seeing as I have yearned for a balcony for years. Decades. Does anyone have any recommendations for potted plants that one could keep on a south-facing terrace which I can buy or start growing at this time of year? This is in Germany, so summer around 15-30C, plenty of frost and little light from October/November onwards – smaller plants could maybe come inside. I’m generally a fan of edibles and am planning a herb garden, but it’s too late in the year to do a lot of the other things I’ve considered (tomatoes *sniff*). Also taking flower recommendations.
someone101* July 22, 2017 at 1:50 pm Snapdragons! They prefer cooler weather and usually die out in warmer temperatures and they have such beautiful vivid colours!
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 22, 2017 at 1:41 pm Buying furniture from sites like Wayfair or Joss & Main — good idea or bad idea? I’m not going to buy a full-on couch from them because that’s something I want to sit on first, but what about for smaller items, like chairs or tables? We have a huge new house to furnish and our existing stuff will only fill about 20% of it, and I’m looking for ways to do it without going bankrupt. Joss & Main seems to have some really attractive stuff, but given the prices, I’m suspicious. Anyone have first-hand experience with them?
Toph* July 22, 2017 at 1:47 pm I would totally have done the exact same thing. That’s awesome. I’ve had good experiences with smaller pieces from Wayfair, a bench seat for kitchen table, and some outdoor furniture, small bookshelves. All required assembly so if you’re not up for that it may not be the best, but I’ve found the on-site reviews of each piece to be accurate and helpful. One thing to keep in mind about Wayfair, they have nearly constant sales where something is super discounted for 48 hours, and then a few days later, something else is. So if there’s a particular piece you like but isn’t quite in budget, waiting a few days it may suddenly be on sale. On the other hand if you see something you like and it is currently on sale, don’t wait.
Toph* July 22, 2017 at 1:48 pm Oh weird. The first two sentences of that comment were from a different comment I’d started and not posted and this seems to have combined them…
Chocolate Teapot* July 22, 2017 at 2:01 pm When I was furnishing my rented, unfurnished flat, I didn’t buy all my furniture at once. Even though almost everything came from Ikea, it soon adds up. So I started with the essentials, a bed, and some stools for the little breakfast bar in the kitchen, then the next month bought 2 sofas, then some wall units and a matching table and chairs the month after that.
AvonLady Barksdale* July 22, 2017 at 1:48 pm I bought a bar from Wayfair. Process was fine. Quality wasn’t great, but I expected that for under $200. The boyfriend very kindly assembled it for me, but he seemed to think it was pretty easy. I wouldn’t get a sofa from them, but an accent piece or two, sure. I got our accent chairs from World Market, on sale, and I loooooove them. Decent quality, too. So I would recommend that option.
alexa, set timer for ten minutes* July 22, 2017 at 2:09 pm I have a Wayfair bed frame in my guest room and while I had to hire someone to assemble it, I’m pleased with how it looks and there have been no problems so far (the real test will be when my parents visit and there are 2 people sleeping in it instead of the usual 1).
CAA* July 22, 2017 at 2:11 pm My parents bought chairs from Wayfair for the kitchen table and they are actually quite nice. They are solid wood with a woven cane seat, and they are a good match for some similar chairs they already had. That said, I’ve looked there myself for some things like living room side tables and find that I just can’t wade through all the junk to find the quality items. I ended up going to a consignment store here in town and found some very high quality pieces for a fraction of what they would have cost new. I was able to see and touch them, so the decision was much easier. Plus they came with free delivery that got them up the spiral staircase to my second floor living room, which is always a major consideration when I buy anything for the house.
Clumsy Clara* July 22, 2017 at 2:18 pm We bought a bed from Wayfair that arrived damaged. Getting store credit back was a pain. We used that store credit to purchase a boxspring for another bed that arrived broken. Getting a new one was a pain. Needless to say we don’t buy furniture from Wayfair anymore, but I think our situation was an anomaly, as I’ve heard good things about others’ experiences with them.
New Bee* July 22, 2017 at 4:16 pm Definitely don’t buy a couch from Wayfair–ours ripped after less than a year, and the stitch pattern made it impossible to get fixed. But we have a dining set from them that we liked, and my mom furnished my grandmother’s bedroom with them and she seems to like it.
Merci Dee* July 22, 2017 at 5:52 pm Getting accent tables, etc. from Wayfair is a good idea, but I’d recommend that you pick up your anchor pieces (sofa, arm chair, etc.) first. It’s easier to find accents to match the big things than it is to find big things to match the accents.
Emmie* July 22, 2017 at 6:07 pm I bought a guest bed frame from Wayfair. It was a great deal. There’s tons of assembly. I had to pay someone to put it together mostly b/c I didn’t want to do it.
Bad Time with Wayfair* July 22, 2017 at 6:13 pm I had a terrible experience with Wayfair when I moved into my first apartment. I called to place an order, because I needed them to not ship the pieces until I’d be moving in. They took my email down incorrectly, and started shipping immediately, which caused problems with my management company. And I didn’t know, because they couldn’t email me. Then, they sent me the wrong piece of furniture, took a very long time to correct the mistake, and made me deal with returning the large package on my own. I’m not using them again.
Dead Quote Olympics* July 22, 2017 at 6:31 pm Don’t have firsthand experience, but Wayfair owns Joss & Main (it took me a while to figure that out) so if you see something you like on one site, check the price of it on the other site. My preference for budget furniture of the non-upholstered variety is World Market. The style isn’t always what I’m looking for, but if it is, then I’ve found the quality has been solid. I’ve looked at CB2, but never bought, but others have and been satisfied with the quality. There are a bunch of what are called “Ikea disrupters” that are trying to do for furniture what Everlane did for clothing — direct to consumer furniture. I have no personal knowledge, but you could try looking for reviews for furniture at Article (https://www.article.com) or Hem (https://us.hem.com) or Brush Factory (https://www.brushmanufactory.com/shop) or google around for “direct to consumer furniture.” The designs are pretty mid-century modern, but so is IKEA. Are you a Costco member? Sometimes they have decent stuff online and they have their awesome return policy.
nonegiven* July 22, 2017 at 8:09 pm Make sure you can furnish a place to sleep, to keep your clothes. A place to sit and eat, a desk to work and a place to watch TV or whatever you like to do for fun. Take your time picking out something you like instead of hurrying to fill the spaces because they’re empty.
Clever Name* July 22, 2017 at 8:24 pm I bought a dining room table from wayfair. I wouldn’t buy furniture from them again. Quality is quite mediocre.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 8:30 pm I bought lighting for my home from Wayfair. I was very pleased overall and things did not go well. I bought some sconces. I had planned for 100 watt lighting in that area. I got the sconces and the label inside said 60 watts. Noooo. I got an overhead light for my kitchen and it had a plastic “shade”. This is a piece of plastic probably 4 feet long by a couple of feet wide. The shade was broken in half. That probably had something to do with the foot print on the outside of the box. I called the company. The man worked his tail off. For the sconces, I had found another pair I would buy in exchange. He called the manufacturer directly to make sure the new sconces were 100 watts as stated on the website. He emailed me shipping labels to return the sconces I had. For the kitchen light, which was much larger, he told me to toss it out. I was sent a new one free of charge. The lights came and they are great. They fit in the way I thought they would and I am pleased with the level of illumination. Seeing how the representative worked to make my order right, I would definitely do business there again. The lights are not top drawer stuff. But they are solidly made and probably will last me quite a while. To fill your new home, I would really recommend taking your time. Shop tag sales and shop going out of business sales. Summer is a great time to do this. The bargains you can find are incredible and the stuff is almost new or new. Here we have a carpet outlet place. Once a year they have a big sale, certain rugs are marked down to $99. I bought a large living room rug for that price. Looking online the lowest price I could find was around 400 and I did not even like it. Most rugs that size were around $4K. I like townwide garage sales better than stand alone garage sales. I picked up a wing chair for $25 at one townwide sale. I have also picked up supplies for repairs, such as wire nuts, screws, shelf brackets etc. I found a heavy duty stapler for $4, it goes through 60 sheets of paper. It’s practically new. Point being I got more than just furniture. I found cabinets for one room for $75 each (regularly $1200 each.) at a going out of business sale. Keep an eye on the local papers for the business closings. I do shop with a list and I carry cash. Businesses will give extra discounts for cash. But it does not have to be a lot of cash as you can see. It’s true this stuff will break the bank but it does not have to.
Kj* July 22, 2017 at 8:39 pm I’ve bought from Wayfair a few times. The buying process was smooth and the items came quickly. I read comments throughly before I bought to be sure I would like the items and I haven’t been disappointed. Nothing I’ve gotten is herloom quality, but I didn’t expect it to be. Also, a easy furniture change that makes a big difference is to elevate a piece of clunky furniture from an Ikea-like big box with some hairpin legs. I added legs to my Kallax shelf and it looked about 150% better in my opinion. It took about $10 and 30 minutes to do too. I got the legs from Lowe’s.
just another day* July 22, 2017 at 9:09 pm Accessories like lamps and area rugs can be a good deal and “good” quality (not exceptional), but the furniture is good for 3 – 5 years depending on use. It is not “real” furniture. Congrats on the house!
Chaordic One* July 22, 2017 at 9:17 pm I would say don’t rush things. Give yourself a year or so. Or course, don’t deprive yourself of necessities. If you end up with something that is functional but ugly, you can get rid of it down the road, but don’t be in such a rush that you end up buying a lot things that will wear out, break or that you’ll need to get rid of. Things will come to you, to those who wait. Beautiful and attractive things. (And very likely some good quality used things at very good prices.)
Seal* July 22, 2017 at 10:50 pm I just had a couch from Wayfair delivered today. It looks great – a vast improvement over my old couch – and the price was right. The delivery process was very smooth, too. I had been putting off replacing my old one because I’m job hunting and hoping to move out of state within the next 6 months; my plan was to dump the old couch then. As it turns out, I’m going to have family visiting soon and even a new slip cover wouldn’t have made the old couch presentable.
I never remember my name* July 23, 2017 at 2:33 am Congratulations! I’ve purchased: planters, side tables, area rugs, linens and the largest piece, a kitchen island, all from Wayfair. No problems at all and everything is great quality and priced very well. I’d also suggest Pier One and even Amazon. My couch, chair, and ottoman are from Macy*s and were a really decent price and have held up through cats, kids, and a dog. Best of luck!
mreasy* July 23, 2017 at 9:47 am I don’t know if you’re considering overstock.com, but we ordered quite a few pieces from them, and found the customer reviews to be invaluable.
Windchime* July 23, 2017 at 4:28 pm I’ve not ordered from Joss and Main, but I’ve gotten several things from Overstock and the quality has been great. I do pay attention to the reviews and I’ve found them to be really accurate. My most recent purchase was this TV stand; it’s a really heavy, quality piece. In fact, it was so heavy that I couldn’t get it into the house by myself and I had to have help putting it together. I also got my bedroom area rug from there and it’s beautiful. https://tinyurl.com/y8v2gfnw
Eden* July 24, 2017 at 8:29 am I’m late but have to say – if you find a furniture piece you love on Wayfair, google it. It may have a slightly different name but at least two pieces I have been interested in have been listed elsewhere for far less. I bought a recliner earlier this year for my husband and found it for $180 less at Goedekers, with free shipping also. I think Wayfair has good deals on some things, but other things are marked way up. I love the ease of using their site and that they have everything so I usually look there first and then see if I can find it significantly less somewhere else. Nice experience with Wayfair: I bought a clock that turned out to have a mar on the plastic face – instead of having me send it back, they just credited me the $$ and told me to dispose of it. So I have a free clock with a mar. It’s fine in the guest room but I wouldn’t have kept it otherwise. Overstock is also good, seconding mreasy on that recommendation. I think their rug prices can’t be beat. I haven’t bought furniture from them yet but have looked at a number of things. I think the thing to remember with these places is that they are a great source for cool-looking accent pieces but probably not the best source for well-constructed, last-forever furniture.
AnnaleighUK* July 22, 2017 at 1:42 pm Back from France after a fun holiday with my boyfriend following the Tour de France around. Because we’re mad we actually rode part of one of the stages and holy god, nope. I’ll stick to my weekend triathlons! We’ve put a lot of miles on my car but it was so worth it. Also I am now addicted to brie. It’s different in France! Send help, I’m missing it already.
CAA* July 22, 2017 at 2:14 pm Lucky you! We’re just watching every stage on TV at the crack of dawn (or before dawn in some cases). What an exciting race this year. And how fun that you got to try riding on the actual course.
AnnaleighUK* July 22, 2017 at 2:27 pm It’s been amazing, we were right at the finish line the other day and the noise was just… wow! It’s a shame we couldn’t stay for the last three stages but we’ve both got work on Monday. We stopped off in Carcassone as well – wow! Incredible place. And it’s such fun to ride just a bit of the roads, obviously they reopen after the race and there are a LOT of fans who do the same. Mountain stages are definitely the best. The Boyfriend is more of a cyclist than me and he was wincing as we were watching them up some of those climbs. It’s amazing, next year I think we will do the whole three weeks. I want to be there in Paris!
Chocolate Teapot* July 22, 2017 at 2:35 pm The Tour de France did a stage close to where I live, and it is odd to see places you know well on TV.
Caro in the UK* July 22, 2017 at 3:18 pm Tour de France and Carcassone sounds like my dream holiday, I’m super jealous! Do you mind if I ask… was it really expensive? No exact figures or anything, but I’ve always assumed that hotels on the route hike their prices massively for the days the Tour is there and it’s always put me off even looking.
AnnaleighUK* July 22, 2017 at 5:17 pm We camped or slept in the car if we couldn’t find anywhere to pitch up – did that twice, we are lucky I own a big SUV. The campsites do hike their prices a bit, I can’t speak for the hotels. It’s not horrible expensive though. You can camp directly on the route as well if it’s a mountain stage but we decided not to do that. We found that if we stayed outside of anywhere significant, like a town that had a sprint in it or a summit finish, it was cheaper because the sprints or the summits are where everyone wants to be. Most of the places we stayed were along the ‘boring’ bit of the stages and therefore quite affordable. Your biggest expense will be fuel if you’re following the race every day. We didn’t exactly, sometimes we spent two days in a place to explore but it was still pricey. Boyfriend remarked that upsizing the car for the purposes of bike transportation was fine but the associated fuel costs hurt. One thing though, the French police like to stop English registered cars for no reason so if you do go, make sure you get a kit for travelling in France or you’ll get fined.
Caro in the UK* July 22, 2017 at 7:04 pm Thanks for such a detailed response, it’s really helpful :) Might give it a go next year!
Never Nicky* July 22, 2017 at 2:38 pm Lucky you! I really want to see the Tour de France in France – I saw the Grand Depart from Leeds in 2015 and was at the finish in Sheffield the following day and it was so much fun!
Shut up legs* July 22, 2017 at 2:41 pm That is amazing! We’ve been to two stages in different years (the time trial in Belgium and the stage that finished in London) but I would have loved to have been in Marseille today! Someday we will watch it in France…..
Liblady* July 23, 2017 at 11:33 am We’re in Paris now and got caugh up at the madness at the finish line at the Arc d’Triomphe. It was crazy! The energy is really high. Crazy level of police presence on the streets ( due to the recent troubles here, I don’t blame them, just really different from home in the US).it has been a lot of fun!
Bagpuss* July 24, 2017 at 4:37 am So far as the brie is concerned, the secret may be to let it mature. Don’t put it in the fridge, keep it out, and be patient, let it get properly ripe and gooey. Most brie sold in this country is seriously under-ripe and if you put it in the fridge it’ll never ripen. Take it out of the plastic, wrap it in waxed paper instead and wait.
Cafe au Lait* July 22, 2017 at 1:53 pm I need to start putting together my baby registry, but am I having trouble knowing what really works versus what sounds nice to have but doesn’t help as much as promised. Parents, what products did you love? Which ones did you really want but ended up failing you completely?
Yetanother Jennifer* July 22, 2017 at 2:11 pm I and my clingy baby loved anything that would allow me to carry her while keeping my hands free. Baby Bjorn, slings, kelty back packs are all great options for different ages and activities. Especially during the witching hours from about 5-7 when she was desperate to be held and I was desperate to be productive.
OlympiasEpiriot* July 22, 2017 at 2:18 pm For clothes, have them be at least 6 mo. old sizes. Those newborn sizes can be too small for the newborn and they outgrow them in a flash. Can’t have too many one-sies. Really. If you’re somewhere with a diaper service, consider cloth and have ppl get you gift certs for that. You get weekly deliveries of clean cloth diapers and they pick up the dirty ones and launder them. It was soooo much easier than having to go and buy things for me. I might have wanted a gift certificate to the Upper Breast Side, I bought a lot of bras there. They are in NYC, but they’re online, too. (Not putting in links b/c it’ll go into moderation.) Also, for toys, I think the wooden Waldorf-type are the best because they adapt to various ages’ imaginations. But, they tend to be a bit expensive. Nova Natural Toys in Shelburne VT is a good place to look for ideas. They are online. And, never hurts to set up a 529 account and let people contribute to that. Only the owner of the account gets to take the tax deduction, but everyone’s money grows tax free and the educational savings starts early.
Chameleon* July 22, 2017 at 6:01 pm Disagree for the clothes size. They will outgrow really quickly, but you can pick up a TON of newborn- 3 mo clothes at thrift stores for about a buck a piece. And you will need a ton because for the first three months you will be changing clothes many, many times a day due to spilled milk, spit up, and diaper blowouts.
OlympiasEpiriot* July 22, 2017 at 8:33 pm That’s exactly why I was recommending against having them on the baby-registry. People tend to splurge on the gifts and the newborn sizes can be picked up so easily and cheaply as well as hand-me-downs/overs because hardly anyone stays small enough for long enough to wear them out.
Chameleon* July 23, 2017 at 10:26 am Baby registry! Yes, I agree. Sorry, brain skipped over that bit!
Ariel Before The Mermaid Was Cool* July 22, 2017 at 2:53 pm Get a NoseFrida!! They are much more effective than bulb suckers. Definitely a bassinet or pack and play with a cradle attachment in case your wee one finds the crib too spacious. Stock up good on diapers – plan to need about 1,000 size 1. I would definitely recommend a diaper genie as opposed to just a trash can. Cloth diapers are a great substitute for burp cloths. We still keep a couple in our 2 year old’s bag. Humidifier… preferably one that does not require a filter. Lastly, get the big 4 in one car seat and skip the travel system. The car seat that comes with the travel systems was great for taking our son in and out to daycare for the first several months but we needed to upgrade before he was a year old and I didn’t really realize when registering that the seat with the travel system wouldn’t be appropriate for a toddler. I thought it was the all in one kind.
Book Lover* July 22, 2017 at 4:16 pm Ergo carrier. I did a britax travel system and was happy with it. Carters onesies, basic swaddling cloths. I used a travel crib next to my bed for the first three months or so.
Jules the First* July 22, 2017 at 5:54 pm I’m not a parent (yet) but I was a nanny in a former professional life. It’s not possible to have too many receiving blankets. If you’re nursing, you’ll go through up to a dozen a day. Something like the Safety First Recline and Grow booster seat is a godsend and is far preferable to a conventional high chair – you buy one, strap it to one of your kitchen chairs, and use it until they’re tall enough to sit like the rest of the family. It reclines to hold your newborn, and the big bonus is that it comes with you to restaurants and the grandparents’ homes, so baby always has a familiar spot to eat (or a safe spot you can stash him for 30 seconds while you blow your nose), you don’t need to worry about the safety or quality of the high chair when away from the house, and it’s super easy to clean. A changing table is probably overrated – get yourself a couple of changing mats instead (one super compact one for your diaper bag, one cushier one with a rim for home use) and either change on the floor or lay the cushy mat horizontally on top of a chest of drawers. For the sake of your sanity, avoid registering for any toys that play music, sing songs, or “teach”. Buy those yourself, after you’ve listened to the sounds and figured out how to lose…I mean take out…the batteries. If I have to listen to the Vtech Fly & Learn Airplane tell me that the cat goes miao one more time, I will not be held responsible for the resulting injuries. To the airplane, of course…
Chameleon* July 22, 2017 at 5:55 pm I know a lot of people find these useless, but we loved the wipe warmer. Or daughter was born in November and nighttime changes were sooo much less painful with a nice warm wipe. Baby bathtubs always seemed like a great idea but became pretty useless within a month or two. You may want to consider just taking a bath holding the kiddo instead.
Thlayli* July 22, 2017 at 7:24 pm Stretchy cloth sling works much better than the one with the straps and so on. I had a tommee tippee sangenic nappy bin (I think they might be called diaper genies in America) and it was AWESOME. It blocks out the smell and holds up to 2 days of nappies Before you have to empty it – and the bag roll insert only needs to be replaced every few days. However the inserts have gone up to ridiculous prices so if you do get that put a load of inserts on the list too. (After they jacked up the price I worked out the bag was costing more per change than the nappies). Also put nappies/diapers on the list – they are cheap but they add up. If you want to go cloth they say it’s best to Join a cloth nappy library and try out a few typesfirst before deciding which to buy as every baby is different shape and they don’t all suit everyone. Microwave Steam steriliser for bottles/teats/ soothers/pacifiers. It costs about €12 and takes 8 mins in the microwave to sterilise a days worth of bottles. So much easier and quicker than the expensive plug in ones. If you want a breast pump I can’t recommend the medela swing highly enough. It has a slow speed to get your milk flowing and then a fast speed once you get let down – used to totally empty my boob in about ten mins (I used to get about 150ml from each if I was pumping a whole feed). It does not do double pumping though so If you are planning on exclusive pumping at any stage (e.g. If you are going back to work quickly and work long hours) then you may prefer a double pump. Hands free bra. Awesome. Did I mention medela swing can be battery or mains power. Don’t bother with fancy high chairs most people I know ended up switching to the IKEA €17 chair coz it’s so easy to clean. Travel cot of a type u can convert to playpen when they are older. Moses baskets are really cute but baby will outgrow them in 3 months. I got the gulliver cot from Ikea and babies slept in it from day 1 – it also converts to toddler bed to age 4. I had those woven plastic (soft but easy to clean) boxes in one end which made the cot much smaller for when they were tiny and has them sleeping sideways in it. Plus the boxes meant I always had spare clothes and nappy changing stuff handy. A dim nightlight – bright enough you can see enough to change a nappy /check for puke but dim enough that it won’t wake the spouse who is sleeping (and make sure everyone does their fair share of night waking – e.g. If u are breastfeeding get him to do night time nappies etc). I had a glowing battery powered angel thing – it was actually a Christmas decoration but it was perfect it could be placed in the cot, on floor, bedside locker etc and battery lasted forever. A small reading light you clip on a book to read in bed – this is basically a flexible torch with no sharp Edges so is perfect for a quick nappycheck without turning on the light. A good flask – for the first few weeks they recommend you only use boiled water and cotton balls not wipes. Cooled boiled water is very cold so we had a flask of hot water and one of cold water at our nappy changing station. Then we would mix up lukewarm water each change. This also works to warm wipes if u want it and will also come in usefulfkr making bottles on the go when u are out and about when/if you use formula. Thermos are the most well known for a reason – they stay hot for 24 hours. I also had a combined thermos/Bottle warmer (also tommee tippee) which was brilliant but the water would be too cold to make a bottle within 2 hours.
Amanda* July 22, 2017 at 7:38 pm Echoing the Ergo! I used mine every single day through 4 kids. At 22 months, my 4th and last is starting to age out of it, and it is faded, but still quite functional. I loved a lightweight stroller frame that works with an infant car seat. My favorite was the Baby Trend – easy to open and close and put in the trunk one-handed, plus lots of room in the basket underneath. Velcro swaddle blankets are awesome as well. If you or someone you know likes to sew, crib sheets are super quick and easy to make, and you can do a lot more fun patterns than what you can find ready made.
Amy* July 23, 2017 at 2:28 am This is kind of a silly one, but since it hasn’t been mentioned: look up the “Baby Bum Brush.” It’s a little rubber spatula type thing you keep at the diaper changing station. It’s used to apply diaper cream and it’s SO much more convenient than using your fingers. Kind of like frosting a cake, except it’s a butt. Other frequently-used newborn favorites: – The Lamaze Take-Along Firefly toy – “Black & White” by Tana Hoban (she would stare at this forever) – The Boba wrap for hands-free cuddling – Diaper Genie, but get one of the ones that open with a foot petal rather than the kind where you have to push the dirty diaper through a slot (I have the latter and it’s gross) – Dishwasher basket that holds bottles – Pack n’ Play with bassinet attachment – Crib mobile (they don’t really get into this until they’re a few months old, though) – For clothes, anything with sleeves that have the built-in hand-covers you can flip over their hands, since they will scratch their faces up if their fingers aren’t contained. – Obviously, the car seat. If you’re getting a travel system make sure you really like the stroller on its own since you will use it a lot longer than the travel system functionality. TBH I rarely used our stroller for the first 6 months since my baby preferred riding in the Boba wrap. – A baby swing (we used and loved the Snugapuppy one). It’s awesome for stashing them when you need to get stuff done, and sometimes it’s the only thing that soothes them. And speaking of soothing… read up on Harvey Karp and the 5 S’s (Happiest Baby on the Block). It sounds like baloney but his techniques worked amazingly well for us and many of our friends. If you’re following his soothing method you will need a white noise machine and something to swaddle the baby (either plain old swaddling blankets or a Miracle Blanket type apparatus). Oh, and you’ve probably heard this already, but see if your health insurance will pay for a pump before registering for one. Many will provide one at no cost. Good luck and congratulations!
Isobel* July 23, 2017 at 6:30 am If you’re looking at slings, Baby Bjorn etc, does your area have a sling library where you can try them out before you buy?
Iris Carpenter* July 23, 2017 at 7:03 am 1. One of the Braun infra-red ear thermometers. Great for determining whether your wailing bundle of sleeplessness is actually ill or not. We found that the wonderful UK NHS medical services were much more responsive when you said that your baby had a temperature, rather than it was just crying a lot. 2. Clip for a dummy/pacifier, so that it does not go on the floor when spat out. 3. I don’t know where you can buy one of these, but a hard-ass mental attitude to everyone who tells you that you are doing it wrong. There is a difference between well meaning advice, whether solicited or not, and the many people who will tell you that you are wrong, whatever you are doing. They can just fuck right off. However you need to be prepared for this for the next 20 years. 4. Gaffer tape/duck tape to quieten noisy toys if you do not want to go the full battery removal route. Just stick it over the speaker grill.
Pat Benetardis* July 23, 2017 at 10:59 am My kids are teens so baby supplies have moved on probably, but if you’re planning to nurse, a boppy pillow. I wound up getting a second so I had one on each floor. Also a maya wrap sling.
Overeducated* July 23, 2017 at 11:07 am We had no registry and not much money when my kid was born, so I can tell you about the things I wish we had spent money on! It is true to an extent that you really just need some kind of crib, a car seat (which we borrowed), clothes, and diapers, but there is other stuff that seemed to make other families’ lives easier, particularly around sleep, which was a major challenge for us. Next time around I will make sure to get some kind of newborn swing, a Magic Merlin suit when the baby grows out of the swing, and one of those diaper genie things instead of just constantly emptying a regular trash can. One of those stroller frames you can just snap a car seat into might be useful too so you don’t wake the baby up or lug the whole seat when you get out of the car. On the other hand we never got a diaper table, just a pad, we used the cheapest audio monitor on the market instead of a fancy video monitor, and I had a hand me down rocking chair that I didn’t like for nursing at all. So I would consider those not very important in the scheme of things.
Amy* July 23, 2017 at 2:32 pm Just chiming in to say the Magic Merlin sleepsuit is amaaaazing. However you probably won’t use it until 4+ months in when your baby is transitioning out of the swaddle, and some babies respond better to it than others, so I would recommend holding off until you’re closer to needing it. You’ll have a better handle on your baby’s sleep preferences and sizing.
Amy* July 22, 2017 at 1:59 pm A week from today my mother-in-law is moving in with us. Well, she’s moving into an in-law apartment in the basement of our house, so we’ll all have our own space, but there’s nothing separating us but a door. We’ve been planning this move for a long time: she’s semi-retiring and will be here to help us with the toddler since I’m going to grad school in a month and my husband works long hours. However, I’m freaking out a little bit about how this is going to go. She’s a wonderful person but we’ve never lived in the same city, let alone in the same house, so I’m feeling nervous about how we’re all going to do under one roof. I should mention she’s moving across the country and will be working remotely part-time, so she won’t really know anyone here except us, at least for a while. Does anyone have any advice for making this as smooth a transition as possible? What ground rules and expectations do you think are important for all of us to set?
Emmie* July 22, 2017 at 6:10 pm None whatsoever! I’ve never gone through this, but I’m sending good vibes your way!
Lyra* July 22, 2017 at 6:39 pm I think it’s important for you to talk to your husband about what you both want. Would you have her over for dinner every night? Would you want X number of nights a week to yourselves? Once you’ve figured that out, it would probably be worth it to discuss with your mother in law, and listen to what her expectations are as well. It could be a slightly awkward conversation, but probably better to have the discussion up front than months in, when you’re having to break a pattern that has started. Then make a point to check in with your husband and your MIL three months in on how the arrangement’s going. Not sure where you live, but enabling her to be as mobile as possible (driving/public transit) would probably make her less dependent on you guys for everything and enable her to develop her own interests. Good luck with the transition!
neverjaunty* July 22, 2017 at 9:02 pm Rule #1: assuming you are married to a man,husband deals with problems involving his mom, instead of leaving it to you.
Observer* July 22, 2017 at 10:38 pm Respect her space and her time, as you want her to respect your space and time.
Ellie* July 23, 2017 at 1:00 am Whatever she did before moving to your area, get her involved in versions of that ASAP! Did she attend a house of worship, volunteer at the library, or practice yoga? Support that 100% and help her make the transition! Help her get a social network so that she has a full life- this will help to ensure that there is a good balance of friend time, family time, and alone time for everyone involved.
overeducated* July 22, 2017 at 2:08 pm Last week I posted about my kid skipping nap for the first time. Today I’m following your advice from the comments and instituting quiet time instead of trying to force a nap. So far so good…but we’re only 10 minutes in, I just looked at the clock! Thanks for the advice, I’ll be interested to see what happens in the next hour or two.
anon24* July 22, 2017 at 5:09 pm Can I just say please don’t institute quiet time with no entertainment? My mom was huge on naps/quiet time until I was 5 or 6 (so she could spend time with my older brother who as the perfect child did not need quiet time). I was expected to spend 2 hours in my bed doing… nothing. I was not allowed to play, not allowed to read (I learned to read very young), not allowed to talk to myself… It was pure torture. I loved the days when they would go into the playroom in the basement because there was a floor between us and I could get up and quietly play and they couldn’t hear me. I don’t have children but I do understand that quiet time is essential for a parent’s sanity. But coming from the person who was an active and imaginative child, cooperation will be much better if you make it fun for your child. It’s a great time for them to learn how to quietly entertain themselves and use their imagination with quiet toys. And if they are tired they will wind themselves down and just go to sleep – I did! Good luck, and I hope all goes well!
Really* July 22, 2017 at 5:40 pm Absolutely. The point of quiet time is to get some rest but allow the child amuse themselves. Anything that is low energy and not too stimulating is good.
Mallory Janis Ian* July 22, 2017 at 10:27 pm That’s terrible! I did make my kids have quiet time (for my own peace and sanity), but it was for one hour and they could play quietly in their rooms. I told them that they had to “keep [their] voice[s] in [their] room[s]” as a measure of the level of quiet expected. Because when we first started quiet time, they engaged in some loud, attention-seeking behavior from inside their rooms. I didn’t mind if I could overhear them prattling away to themselves in there, but I discouraged them from purposely pitching their voices to attract my attention.
Overeducated* July 23, 2017 at 10:24 am Haha, don’t worry, we wouldn’t have lasted 10 minutes without entertainment! He looked at books and played with some toys on his own next to me for about an hour, then crawled into bed and fell asleep. The rule was just that we weren’t going to actively play with him or read stories because we needed quiet time too. The only problem was the nap started so late that it was hard to get him to sleep at night – we will have to start quiet time an hour earlier today, but I think we’ll handle it similarly.
Simone R* July 22, 2017 at 9:18 pm I remember having to do this as a kid! Often I reallllly didn’t want to but my mom refused to bend because “she needed her quiet time even if I didn’t need mine” and I would end up having fun even if I dragged my feet!
Clumsy Clara* July 22, 2017 at 2:13 pm What is a good thing to write in a note to someone who just started in rehab? My cousin (we are not particularly close) is in his early 30s and just went this week…it’s hard to tell how much of him going is for him and how much is just to appease his mom. Either way, I’m sure he’ll be having a tough time being sober for an extended period. I want to write him a card but not sure what to say. I was thinking something like I’m proud of him for seeking help, and I’m keeping him in my thoughts. Any advice/suggestions would be appreciated!
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 2:26 pm What you suggest sounds fine. Honestly, I think just getting a card is what’s meaningful to somebody in rehab.
Lyra* July 22, 2017 at 6:33 pm I think you’re spot on in what you were thinking of writing, already! If you’re writing a longer letter, you could also talk a bit about your week or something you’ve seen/read/been interested in lately, which would give your cousin more than two lines to read (if you think he’d appreciate having a chattier letter that helps him think about something other than being in rehab). My other thought would be to send another note halfway through his rehab stint, if it’s a long one, just to say hi.
The Other Dawn* July 22, 2017 at 2:17 pm Anyone have ideas as to what I can do with onion tops? I visited the farm stand down the road and they had summer onions, meaning regular full-sized onions, with the tops attached. It seems a shame to waste them and I’m not coming up with a lot of good Internet results. I know they’re not going to be exactly the same as scallions, even though they look like it. If it helps, I have these fresh herbs and veggies at home: two white onions, shallots, green beans, baby red potatoes, a few russet potatoes, cilantro, parsley, basil, rosemary, sage, dill, and oregano (I have to say, fresh oregano is amazing!). And, of course, I have a ton of dried herbs. Probably any herb or spice you can think of, I have. I also have chicken and ground beef in the freezer.
OlympiasEpiriot* July 22, 2017 at 2:22 pm If I have extra veggies, I just prep them for cooking but pop them into ziplocks with contents and date and put in the freezer. Chopped onions in one- or two-cup increments are really handy in midwinter when making a soup! Otherwise, onion soup with a slab of cheese on top? Onion parm? Onion lasagna? (I like onions, so none of this would be boring to me.) (Some veggies you need to blanch before freezing, but I find onions do fine without that.)
JulieBulie* July 22, 2017 at 2:56 pm Onion tops are great for when you’re making chicken stock or vegetable stock.
The Other Dawn* July 22, 2017 at 4:19 pm I found a recipe for an onion top stir fry that I might try. Although it looks rather plain, so I’m thinking of adding some quinoa or something to bulk it out. I have a bunch of goat cheese. Wonder if I could mix them in like scallions? The person I bought them from mentioned that they might be tough or fibrous, though.
JulieBulie* July 22, 2017 at 5:11 pm Unless they’re very young, they’ll be tough and fibrous. (Like trying to eat a slip of paper.) However, I have a pretty low threshold for that sort of thing (can’t stand stringy celery, for example), while most people are a lot more tolerant than I am – so you might find them edible. You’ll probably know when you chop them!
Bruce H.* July 22, 2017 at 7:54 pm I use scallions in cold potato salad, guacamole, coleslaw, and ramen. I wouldn’t hesitate to try mature onion tops in any of those. If I ate cooked greens (spinach, collards, kale, etc.), I would add onion tops. If I were concerned about toughness, I think just chopping them finer would do the trick.
Saturnalia* July 22, 2017 at 11:09 pm Ooh I wonder if you could add them to a pesto in lieu of garlic? It would be a different take on pesto (maybe use a variety of herbs!), but could be frozen in ice cubes and thrown into other sauces/dishes for a fresh herb infusion over the colder months. I’ve done pesto with garlic tops, cilantro, walnuts instead of pine nuts – basically treat the recipe as a template for the herbs and nuts you have available :-) I’m imagining that some time in the food processor would take care of the fibrous texture.
Overeducated* July 23, 2017 at 10:48 am I really like cooked onion tops in brunchy foods – omelets or scrambled eggs, scones with cheese, etc. They’re like more aggressive scallions, which I enjoy. I’m sure they’d be lovely mixed with other herbs or added to a yogurt soup, and I like your stir fry idea too.
kitchen renovation* July 22, 2017 at 2:28 pm I would like to renovate my kitchen but have never done anything like that. I would like new cabinets, new stove and refrigerator and make it more functional in general. Maybe break out the wall that encases the kitchen to form an island of sorts. What’s the first step? getting a contractor? How do you do that? do they come up with different designs and suggestions?
CAA* July 22, 2017 at 3:09 pm You need a kitchen designer. Google kitchen and bath remodeling in your area and you should find some showrooms that you can visit. Typically you contract with one of them and they have a designer, contractors, subcontractors, etc, that they work with. You might also find a solo interior designer who could get you started, but then you’d pay her fee separately from the contractor who does the actual build out. You can also try Home Depot. They used to have designers and a computer program that would spit out a plan, but I haven’t done this in over 10 years, so I’m not sure if they still offer that service.
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 22, 2017 at 3:55 pm Are you going to leave things basically where they are but just replace them, or are you going to do a totally new layout? If it’s the former, I think you can do it without a designer — just start looking at photos of kitchens online and you’ll start to notice patterns in what you like. You’ll figure out which colors and styles you’re drawn to, and then you can pick out cabinets, counters, backsplash, appliances, etc., and then can hire a contractor who will do all the labor for you. Or at least that’s what I did when I did mine, and I love it. But as a first step, I’d talk to a few contractors to get rough estimates.
LNLN* July 22, 2017 at 4:53 pm I used Pinterest to collect ideas that I liked (colors, features, brands, flooring). It was helpful to have pictures when I was discussing what I wanted with my husband (who did all the work himself). Places like Home Depot have employees that can help you plan new layouts. We used cabinets from IKEA and are happy with them. If you want to work with an independent designer, Google “interior designer” and your town/city. Good luck!
Anon today* July 22, 2017 at 2:31 pm My wife had a miscarriage last week and we are still really struggling with it. I think I just expect life to freeze but it doesn’t… It just keeps going no matter what.
Emma* July 22, 2017 at 3:43 pm I had a miscarriage at the end of last July. I’m really sorry that you guys are going through this. We weren’t 100% sure we wanted kids, and it was still really hard. For me it slowly got better. Her hormones will be crazy at first- I’ve read somewhere that’s true, anyways, and it felt true, just really intense emotions. Just give yourselves time. Tell who you want to tell, don’t tell who you don’t want to. Eventually getting a second dog was helpful for me. She’s been a bright light in hard times. I also went to some counseling & a support group run through a local hospital for other ppl with pregnancy loss. It’s been helpful for me to really reduce/quit Facebook. Seeing babies/ hearing about baby things/pregnancy was hard at first and is still sometimes jarring. It was helpful when I learned how common it is. Reading what celebrities have written about it, like Melissa rausch (from Big Bang theory) and I heard Anna chumsky talk about it on a podcast or the radio or something. Also being able to talk with a few friends who have had miscarriages was sometimes helpful. Also, I think my husband’s experience has been slightly different. He didn’t have the physical symptoms, though he was sad. It’s hard. Now, a year later, we are mostly back to normal. But it has taken awhile. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are not alone.
Anon for private info* July 22, 2017 at 7:45 pm http://www.miscarriage.ie/ourpublications.html The info booklet (top link in page above) is really good and a lot of the other pages have useful info too. I’m Sorry for your loss x
Emma* July 24, 2017 at 9:51 pm I just found the instagram account called ihadamiscarriage. In the comments, there are many people who have suffered miscarriages. There are also some posts about rainbow babies (babies born to people after miscarriages), and some about women currently pregnant with rainbow babies. Just giving you a heads up about that.
Sparkly Librarian* July 22, 2017 at 2:53 pm I’m sorry. It can feel like other people are being callous when they don’t know what’s going on, or don’t react the same way you are. It’s never personal, though. Sometimes you just have to do the bare minimum to get by with the rest of life, and retreat from the world for a little while. I hope you and your wife are able to take the time you need to grieve.
Purple snowdrop* July 22, 2017 at 3:04 pm I’m so, so very sorry. I HATED that life carried on. That evening we had to do some shopping for my husband’s grandparents and I vividly remember walking round the supermarket unable to process the fact that no one around me knew or cared what had happened. It was horrendous. It took me about a year to get over the initial grief. It may not take you guys this long, but it might. I thought I’d be back at work within a couple of weeks but I was off three months and honestly that wasn’t long enough. YMMV, but I wish I’d realised this is how it is for some people. It’s ok to grieve, to mourn, if you need to. It’s ok not to though as well. Will think of you.
Queen of Cans & Jars* July 22, 2017 at 3:05 pm I don’t have any advice to offer, but I wanted to say I’m so sorry for your lost.
Jeannie2018* July 22, 2017 at 5:50 pm I’m sorry for you loss. I recently miscarried myself at 10 weeks and I wasn’t prepared for how physically and emotionally hard it’s been. I went back to work straight away and maybe that was a mistake. Sometimes the distraction has been good. At other times I wish I had taken more time to process what’s been happening. Wishing you better times ahead.
Cookie D'oh* July 22, 2017 at 6:17 pm I’m so sorry. No advice, but the bloggers at Pinch of Yum had a baby prematurely and lost him at one day old. Her posts about dealing with the loss are very moving.
Anon for private info* July 22, 2017 at 7:39 pm I’ll post a link to a really helpful website in the comments below (it will take time to get through moderation). They only offer specific services in their locality but they have lots of useful info and advice you can read including what not to say to someone who has lost a baby (eg never say at least you have/can have other children. Children are not interchangeable). I went to group meetings too and it really really helped. In my area they are run every month there may be something near you too. There may also be remembrance services you could go to. Please remember that this is something about half of all women experience at some point, but that does not make it any easier. I’ve been raped and I’ve suffered domestic violence and my miscarrriage is still the worst thing that has happened to me, by far. Not everyone feels that strongly but a lot of people do.
Anon for private info* July 23, 2017 at 1:29 am Looks like link showed up on someone else’s comment above oops
Clever Name* July 22, 2017 at 8:32 pm Aw, hugs to you and your wife. A loss is a loss, no matter how early, and it’s okay to grieve. Or not grieve. Everyone processes it differently. Be good to yourselves and understand she’s going through something you may not understand. But that’s okay. Hold her. It will be alright.
Observer* July 22, 2017 at 10:47 pm Unless the loss was very early, she needs to take good care f herself physically. This tends to get overlooked, but her body just had a baby, even though your arms are empty. We figure that a new mom needs 6 weeks to recover from childbirth, but a woman who miscarried needs a couple of days. That’s nonsense. Sure, it may take a bit less time because of the logistics involved, but it’s still a recovery process. Life continues on, which can be very jarring. But, it’s good to remember that all the people who are just carrying on are not being callous or uncaring. They just don’t know what happened to you. Even those that officially know about the miscarriage may not “get” it. There is no one right way to handle this. The two of you may not even handle it the same way, much less others. That’s ok. As long as you are functioning, give yourselves time to come to grips with the loss. Be kind to yourselves and each other.
Marzipan* July 23, 2017 at 12:53 pm I’m so sorry to hear that. I’ve had a couple of miscarriages, they sucked. I found mindless distraction really helpful. The second time around, I found myself watching endless episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, which I’d never had the slightest interest in before but which somehow managed to make the time pass, then. Look after yourselves, both of you.
A Parisian in America* July 22, 2017 at 2:44 pm I’m planning a trip to New York, and looking at accommodation I have no idea which neighbourhood would be a good area to be in. I’ve heard the names of these places mentioned through pop culture but am really not familiar with location/safety/convenience beyond the very superficial. So…any recommendations for someone who’s there for the first time? The budget is somewhat flexible (as in we’re willing to forego some other stuff if need be), but certainly not going anywhere near the 5-star price range. Also, we haven’t decided exactly how long we’ll be there – is it better to spend two weeks in NYC so we can be more thorough, or just one week and go to another city for the other week?
Elkay* July 22, 2017 at 2:57 pm We stayed at the Holiday Inn Express Manhattan Times Square South for four days or so, we walked everywhere except the ferry terminal for the Statue of Liberty.
Andrea* July 22, 2017 at 3:14 pm I suggest staying somewhere where people actually live to get a feel for that. UWS is lovely, UES is nice, Brooklyn is great and all are safe enough. Use Rome2Rio and see where the nearest subway stop is. Queens is nice, but remote. Staying in Times Square is a heavily tourist experience. Two weeks just in NYC is a long time. I’d suggest splitting your time and either doing Boston or DC fow anotther week, or taking a few days and going somewhere quaint like Philly, Providence, or the Eastern End of Long Island. Try FourSquare to see what locals like.
KR* July 22, 2017 at 3:20 pm If you’re up for it, I know a lot of people stay in New Jersey and go in every day since it’s so much cheaper.
Detective Amy Santiago* July 22, 2017 at 4:09 pm I’d suggest splitting your time and doing a week in NYC and a week in DC. My friend and I are staying at the Hampton Times Square (link to follow). We got a great deal on TravelZoo.
Detective Amy Santiago* July 22, 2017 at 4:09 pm http://hamptoninn3.hilton.com/en/hotels/new-york/hampton-inn-manhattan-times-square-central-NYCFFHX/index.html
NewYorker* July 22, 2017 at 5:59 pm It really depends what you want to do. 2 weeks will give you time to explore things in depth – for example you could spread out your visit to the Metropolitan Museum because it’s huge and exhausting, taking a day trip to the Botanical Garden etc. One of the funnest things to do is to people watch and walk around. Anyway, the Upper West Side is pretty central and there are subways, restaurants etc. If you are into Broadway and want to see that, staying in Times Square is good (most NYers I know avoid that area, it’s a lot of tourists). Around Union Square is also pretty good in terms of transportation. The east and west village are more trendy/younger, you’ll find lots of bars, places open late. When are you coming?
alex* July 23, 2017 at 11:29 am I would consider accommodations in: Long Island City (Queens), Astoria (Queens), Brooklyn Heights (BK), Clinton Hill (BK), Red Hook (BK), Williamsburg (BK). Queens is not “remote,” as someone above said; that doesn’t make sense. Look at an MTA transit map (http://web.mta.info/maps/submap.html) and pick a spot near a subway in a Brooklyn or Queens neighborhood like these (search “nyc neighborhoods” for the names) that’s close to Manhattan. You will have a very easy, quick train ride to the city. Our mass transit is the best (when it’s on its game). If you want to stay in Manhattan (and you’ll still have to take the train to get around, so I wouldn’t spend more to do so), I suggest Murray Hill, Gramercy, Chelsea, Hell’s Kitchen, Flatiron District. All $$$$$ but convenient to everything. Enjoy!!
Andrea* July 24, 2017 at 10:01 am Staying in Queens is remote. That’s what I said. It’s great to visit on a trip, but doesn’t make the easiest place to get to and from, save Astoria. We’ve had family stay in far Queens at the cheap/apparently prostitute hotels out there and they spent so much time on the subway and couldn’t just pop back to take a nap.
MarianCSRA* July 23, 2017 at 5:20 pm I stayed at the Hotel Metro several years ago and had a great experience. It’s about a block away from the Empire State Building and also convenient to the subway. It was cozy and very reasonably priced for the location.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 2:46 pm Hello, I am looking for some advice about periods – sorry, I know this will be distasteful to some readers. I have very heavy periods, and because I am now being treated for anaemia my doctor suggested I consider an IUD to make them lighter. I haven’t used any form of hormonal birth control for years, and whilst I like the idea of having very light/absent periods for 5 years, I wonder if there are any negative side effects? I know someone whose IUD cut through their uterus and they ended up in a&e haemorraging, which obviously concerns me a bit… I also read that sometimes the implant can fall out during your period, so you need to get its position checked by your GP if you can’t feel the strings – it just seems like there are lots of possible negatives, but I wonder if they have to list all possible negatives and they’re actually unlikely to happen? I’d really like some opinions of women who have had an IUD fitted, because no-one I know has one! Thank you :)
anon for this* July 22, 2017 at 2:51 pm I enjoyed my first IUD experience very much (although it was 100% for contraception purposes). I had it installed a few months after the birth of my first child, had it for 2 years, and removed it to concieve baby number two. I was able to get pregnant within 3 months of removal. So, after baby #2 was born, I had another IUD installed and that was unfortunately a very poor experience as it perforated my uterus on installation. I was in quite a bit of pain and my doctor’s office did not take it very seriously and so it took a few WEEKS (while also caring for a newborn and a preschool child) to have it diagnosed. Then I had surgery the following day to remove it. So, in my experience, they are awesome when they work and terrible when they don’t. My husband chose to have a vasectomy at that point rather than have me go on a different method of birth control.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 3:22 pm Oooh, that’s what worries me… I have a prolapsed womb, so I think that can make the insertion a bit tricky anyway. It’s so hard to decide! Don’t really need it for contraception, but like the idea of lighter periods. Thank you for sharing your experience :)
Oh My Glob* July 22, 2017 at 2:59 pm Consider how your body responded to hormonal birth control before, and discuss with your doctor whether the hormones in the IUD are likely to have similar effects. I said no to an IUD (and got an ablation, which has served me well in regard to reducing bleeding so far – it’s been about a year) because I had had very negative reactions to several types of the pill. But the preparation for the ablation was similar to an IUD placement — dilation of the cervix and then insertion of tools — and if I had known it would be like that (for me, at that time), I would not have been afraid. They gave me so many painkillers and an anti-anxiety medication; I was loopy but the pain was minimal… like gas pains rather than my usual excruciating cramps. Of course experiences are personal and vary widely. You could be on the lucky side, though.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 3:29 pm Love your name, first of all! I am in the UK, so a bit limited in terms of what my GP will advise me to have done, as it is paid for by the NHS rather than insurance/privately. So I don’t think ablation is necessarily offered (at least, my GP was very ‘keen’ on the IUD solution and didn’t mention ablation!). I am not keen on taking hormones unnecessarily, which is why I am considering an IUD rather than the pill – as I understand it, the hormones are more localised around the uterus, rather than swimming all around your body, which appeals. The other suggestion my doctor had was to take some sort of tablet (‘something’ acid, can’t remember the name of it!) which you just take on heavy days to reduce the blood. Perhaps I’ll give those a go, as my periods do vary from month to month. Thanks for sharing your experience, I appreciate it.
Tau* July 22, 2017 at 3:40 pm My guess is you’re talking about tranexamic acid – I was taking that for a bit. I never actually felt it helped that much, but that may have just been me and my fibroids (my period barrelled straight through a *number* of things meant to keep it well under control at that point). I was also a bit concerned about it since it’s a blood-clotting medication and hence, IIRC, raises your risk of stroke and the like and may be contraindicated if you’re already in an at risk category or are taking HBC. (Disclaimer: I Am Not A Doctor). FYI, if you do end up going with the IUD, I’d be interested to hear about how it goes as it’s an option I’m considering myself for the same reason.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 6:25 pm There were two different ‘acids’ my GP mentioned – that was one of them I’ll have to look out the papers and let you know the other one! One was not recommended any longer, due to side effects, which I think included the high risk of blood clots, but the other seemed to have more positives and few negatives. If I do go for an IUD I’ll be sure to come back and update you. Thanks for sharing your experience with tranexamic acid – it is something I’d have to buy myself, and I was surprised at how much it cost, so good to know that it might not be very effective… you could save me spending a lot of money on it waiting for it to work!
Reba* July 22, 2017 at 3:17 pm I have the Mirena IUD (levonorgestrel) and ADORE it. It’s been five years and I’m due to have it replaced. I have *no* monthly bleeding (I do still notice a bit of a cycle, but no period as such). It’s fantastic! My periods were light at the time of insertion already, however. I’ve done much better on it than on the birth control pill in terms of side effects, and of course less risk from user error. I’ve had no problems, except for once when I accidentally yanked on the strings (ow, not recommended). My Dr. left the strings untrimmed and they eventually sort of settled around my cervix. I can’t feel them without really stretching and haven’t checked for them since year one; Dr. says this is fine. Partner does not feel them. Insertion was painful. I was given misoprostol as I’ve never been pregnant, although apparently there’s not good science support for that. I’ve heard of others taking a Valium or similar on insertion day. There are risks, certainly, but it’s nearly perfectly effective as birth control, which is why I chose it. The lack of period was initially just gravy for me but I’ve come to appreciate it so much. Good luck making your decision!
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 3:33 pm Thanks for taking the time to reply :) My GP mentioned Mirena by name, so good to hear from someone who has that one! The lack of periods is tempting… did you suffer with PMS, and has the IUD made any difference to that? I am aware my husband suffers a day or so a month from me being v irritable…!
Reba* July 22, 2017 at 4:33 pm Since I went from hormonal birth control (pill) to the IUD I can’t really compare it to a “neutral” state if that makes sense. I did have PMS symptoms on the pill, but fairly mild–tendency to headache, 1-2 grumpy days but not like bursting into tears. I don’t experience *anything* like that now. Sometimes I notice tender/slightly larger breasts but that’s really the only sign of a monthly cycle that I have now. So I’d hope that the slight dose of hormones would have a similar effect on people with more severe periods and symptoms, diminishing even if not totally eliminating them. Of the handful of people I know of that have Mirenas, one other woman has absent periods and three others have seen lessening of periods and symptoms.
WellRed* July 22, 2017 at 5:03 pm Mirena here. Insertion mildly uncomfortable but quick. Periods slowly tapered off. No particular issues but I’ve been lucky that way. While I know they aren’t for everyone, I wish more women, especially younger women, would consider them.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 6:36 pm Thanks for that :). Good to hear insertion was quick – they said I’d need a 30 minute appointment to have it inserted which seemed a bit scary! It does seem that they recommend pill for under 40/IUD over 40, but I wonder if IUDs would be a better choice for younger women – more localised hormones and the fact that fertility should return more quickly once the IUD is removed, compared to the oral pill. Certainly when I was young my GP never suggested an IUD, only the oral pill, but I wonder if there is a reason for that?
WellRed* July 22, 2017 at 7:08 pm I think IUDs have improved greatly over 20 years ago. For a 20 year old looking to get education, start a career etc., i think IUD is more convenient (did I take my pill) and more effective.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 7:20 pm Yes, that’s probably true; I don’t think I would have considered an IUD 20 years ago if my GP had recommended it – even just the fact it was called ‘the coil’ sounded off-putting!
Isobel* July 23, 2017 at 6:55 am Mirena has only been available since the 1990s and it takes time to build up experience with it. Initially doctors were quite cautious about it in women who hadn’t had children as the insertion can be more tricky, but actually increasing it’s recommended at any age.
Natalie* July 23, 2017 at 5:37 pm @ Isobel, there’s also a bit of history to initial reluctance to prescribe IUDs to younger women who haven’t had children. There was a badly designed IUD popular in the US called the Dalkon Shield which had a couple of serious design flaws that could lead to pelvic inflammatory disease and thus infertility. They were pulled off the market in the 70s or 80s IIRC, and in the aftermath there was great concern about IUDs in general even though other designs didn’t pose the same dangers.
TL -* July 22, 2017 at 7:59 pm About half of my appointment was me resting afterwards – I also have Mirena. The insertation was a breeze – I took something to dilate my cervix and a few ibuprofen and it was less painful than most cramps. I get very mild cramps with the IUD, and not any with the pill, (without BC, they’re debilitating) but I have the lightest periods ever with the IUD – I’ll use a tampon for an entire day and I only switch it because you probably shouldn’t wear them for more than 12 hours. Super light! No side effects; many of my friends have IUDs and none of us have had bad experiences. The side effects are extremely rare but your doctor should tell you about them and if you’ve got any heightened risk factors. However, your doctor shouldn’t recommend it if it’s not a good option for you.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 6:37 pm Thank you, I’ve not heard of that one so I will look into it further :)
Simone R* July 23, 2017 at 3:47 am Skyla is made by the same people that make mirena-it’s a slightly lower dose and lasts 3 years instead of 5. It’s smaller too, and so can be used in people who haven’t had kids yet and the mirena is too large for.
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 4:23 am Thanks Simone, you’ve saved me some time! I think this might be like the one my GP mentioned (called Jaydess) – a bit smaller and suited to women who have not had children.
Anonymouse for this* July 24, 2017 at 3:21 pm I also have the Mirena. The insertion was not as smooth as it could have been – I was not given anything to relax my cervix and the doctor has some trouble getting the forceps set up (but I have had similar problems at normal GYN checkups). It was worth it. I got it to deal with debilitating cramps, and it worked very well for that. It did not completely stop my periods, which were very heavy before hand, but it took the cramps down to almost nothing. It does not prevent my menstrual migraines, however, or my face from breaking out in acne. I just let my gynecologist check the position when I go in for a yearly check up, so there’s no addditional effort involved there for me.
Extra Anonymous and Incognito* July 22, 2017 at 3:23 pm I’ve had the Mirena IUD for a little more than a year now (due to dysmenorrhoea though, not excessive bleeding) and what my specialist told me was that you don’t have to worry too much about feeling the strings since if it comes loose you will notice the effect on your period. Be aware that it takes a while- several months- for the cycle to first stabilize and you might end up with spotting or really low level bleeding between “periods”. (In my case I’d say closer to 6 months to settle, but I think I’m an outlier) I basically don’t know when my real period is anymore because it’s weird like that. Panty liners are your friend. Also, at least for my kind of IUD the perforation issue is very rare. My specialist had never seen it in her practice and had personally done over 200 insertions. I can’t use birth control pills because they make my migraines really frequent but this IUD doesn’t have the same side effect. I’m not sure about other varieties. I think older types of IUDs used to leach calcium and so you couldn’t take them for too long or else have an increased risk of osteoporosis, but my doc said that isn’t a problem anymore. All in all, I’d recommend finding the prescription info for whichever type you are thinking of using and writing down every question to ask your doctor before you decide.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 3:38 pm Thank you for taking the time to reply :) Mirena was the IUD my GP recommended, and perforation was mentioned in the ‘possible side effects’ blurb, but good to hear the statistics from your specialist. I am just beginning to look into the different options, but think your advice of writing down lots of questions for my GP is a good one – I’d not even thought about an IUD until she recommended it due to my anaemia, so wasn’t really in the right place to ask relevant questions during that appointment!
AlaskaKT* July 22, 2017 at 3:27 pm Does it have to be an IUD? I had Implanon which is a little slow release hormonal stick that is injected in the underside of your arm. I had it for 3 years, with no issues. I also had no periods that entire time.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 3:44 pm I am in the UK, so sometimes GPs don’t give you all the options that are out there, due to it being funded by the NHS rather than by insurance/private funding. I do know people who have had implants however, so that may be an option. And it would remove the risk of perforation/falling out, so thank you for suggesting this. I suppose the only negative is that the hormones will be swimming around my bod, rather than just being contained in my uterine area? As I am nearing my mid-40s I think they automatically default to recommending an IUD as it gives less risk of blood clots/strokes? But thank you for suggesting this – I had not considered it, and will definitely speak to my GP about whether this would be a good option for me :)
Emma* July 22, 2017 at 3:53 pm One thing to be aware of is that with some birth control types, it can take awhile to become pregnant after removal. With iuds, you’re immediately fertile. So just in case pregnancy timelines are on your mind, another thing to look into.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 6:30 pm I have completed my family and not looking to it for birth control, purely as a solution for heavy periods, but that’s a good point, thank you.
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 4:19 am Aw, thank you! I have read the entire archive of AAM since discovering this site about a year ago, and I do credit Alison with changing my communication style for the better – I think (broadly speaking) everyone who comments here err on the side of kindness, which is one of the reasons I posted my question here! :)
WellRed* July 22, 2017 at 5:06 pm I replied above, but I am also mid 40s and my doc wouldnt prescribe pill, patch etc for these reasons.
soupmonger* July 23, 2017 at 2:26 pm Ask your GP about thermal ablation. I had horrendously heavy, painful periods for years and tried all sorts. Mirena made me feel horrible – so bad I removed it myself. I was referred for a thermal ablation where the womb lining is cooked, thus restricting the ability to have much of a period at all – it’s been a life-changer. My periods basically ruled my life but not any more. Ablation renders you infertile so if you want kids, it’s not for you. Can completely recommend it. I’m also in the U.K., BTW. Good luck!
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 3:20 pm Thank you :) Isobel, a GP, has commented lower down this thread that they don’t carry out ablation as treatment for heavy/painful periods any more, so don’t think that will be an option. I wonder (if you don’t mind sharing) was Mirena the first hormonal treatment you’d tried that made you feel unwell, or had you had reactions to other hormonal medications previously?
Isobel* July 23, 2017 at 7:10 pm No, ablation is available, sorry if I was unclear! It’s D&C that isn’t done much now. Endometrial ablation is definitely an option if medical options don’t work.
Ron McDon* July 24, 2017 at 3:34 am Oops sorry- I thought they were the same thing just a different name! I shall do some googling about this :)
Jenny* July 22, 2017 at 3:38 pm I use NuvaRing (I had stomach problems with oral meds) and I love it. It really reduced symptoms and my doctor says that you can actually just leave it in for an extra week to skip a period because it is actually effective for 28 days.
Chameleon* July 22, 2017 at 6:12 pm Agreed if you are worried about an IUD! Nubs ring is really easy, you don’t have to think about it but once a month, you can take it out if you need to (I never did, even during sex, as my husband could rarely even feel it). I did the extra week and no period because I hate having them, but found I needed the week off about every 3 months or I’d end up heavily spotting. I have the Mirena now and I also love it.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 6:42 pm Something else that I’ve not heard of! Thank you, I’ll look into this :)
Isobel* July 23, 2017 at 6:57 am Same hormones as the pill in Nuvaring, so if your GP wouldn’t recommend the pill, Nuvaring may not be a first option.
Chameleon* July 23, 2017 at 10:32 am It’s a lower dose, though, so it stays local. If the GP is recommending Mirena, the NuvaRing isn’t much different.
Isobel* July 23, 2017 at 11:25 am I take your point about Nuvaring being more localised, but the UK medical eligibility criteria for contraceptive use (UKMEC) puts all combined hormonal contraception (pills, patch, ring) in the same group, so that would be the guidance most UK GPs would follow. Nuvaring contains oestrogen whereas Mirena doesn’t, and that is a significant difference.
Jen RO* July 22, 2017 at 3:42 pm I have a Jaydess IUD and the only downside was the insertion. My doctor forgot to tell me to take a painkiller beforehand, so the insertion itself hurt a lot and I had bad cramps for a few hours. (But I never have cramps, so maybe they would qualify just a regular cramps for other people). I’ve had it for a year and it’s amazing – my periods are super light (I never need more than a panty liner), no pain, no PMS, no nothing. It’s good for 3 years and, after I get it taken out, I will either get another or try the Implanon if it’s available then.
Jen RO* July 22, 2017 at 3:46 pm And two more notes: * Google says that the Jaydess is just a smaller version of the Mirena. I think that, if you haven’t had children, you can’t go wrong with a smaller size! I’m in Eastern Europe so I think the Jaydess should be available in the UK as well. * I see that you are also interested in the effects on PMS and I wanted to note that I never had bad PMS, so I can’t say whether the effects of the IUD were dramatic or not.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 6:48 pm Thank you for your reply. I think my GP said the Jaydess was for if you haven’t had children as everything will be ‘tighter’, but that ship sailed a long time ago! I am a bit put off by the insertion, but it sounds like it’s worth it to have much lesser symptoms for many years? It’s a balancing act, listing the pros and cons!
Jen RO* July 23, 2017 at 9:05 am Oh if you’ve had children I don’t think it will be so painful for you, because your cervix is not as “tight”. My sample of three women, all in our early 30s with the Jaydess: * Me (no children) – painful, I needed ~30 minutes of lying down afterward and it took hours for the pain to completely go away. * Friend 1 (child through C-section) – painful, but not as bad as for me. * Friend 2 (child through natural birth) – barely felt it.
Anon22* July 23, 2017 at 9:07 am I used to have pretty bad period pains, which did get better on the pill but never went away fully, and I haven’t had a proper period since the day I got the Mirena in (I occasionally get spotting, and do still sometimes have one or two cramps but more like a twinge than anything painful – no need for painkillers). Although the insertion wasn’t pleasant it also wasn’t completely horrible and considering it lasts for 5 years that one day of discomfort is definitely worth avoiding all the cramps that I would have in those 5 years!
chickabiddy* July 23, 2017 at 6:43 pm While every body is different, the insertion for me was like one (fairly early, not transition) contraction. It hurts, you gasp, and it’s over. Not the most fun way to spend a morning but quite bearable. I had some cramping afterwards, which was controlled with ibuprofen and a heating pad.
HannahS* July 22, 2017 at 3:44 pm I’ve never had an IUD, but I’m guessing your doc is meaning the hormonal one, and not the copper one. When you were on hormonal birth control, did you have neg. side effects? If you did/not sure, it’s worth discussing if there’s a way for you to try the hormones for a couple of months first to make sure you’re ok, before putting in the IUD.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 6:53 pm Hello, yes it’s the hormonal one rather than the copper. I don’t remember having any negative side effects from the oral pill (it was about 20 years+ ago so hard to remember!), I think it was more that I would forget to take it because I was a bit silly and ditzy :) I think my GP said if I didn’t get on with the IUD it could be removed v easily, and any hormones would be out of my system v quickly, but this is worth confirming, thank you.
TL -* July 22, 2017 at 11:13 pm One thing to think of is that if you’re having such heavy bleeding that it’s causing concerning anemia is that your hormones are already out of whack and stabilizing hormones could be a really good thing. I am much, much happier on hormonal birth control – less bleeding, much less pain, and I don’t get crazy mood swings during my period. (I’m also super easy – every form of hormonal birth control works well for me.)
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 4:28 am Thanks TL, that’s a really good point. I was coming from a standpoint of ‘eek, don’t want to take hormones’ but actually my hormones need to be rebalanced if I’m bleeding this much – thank you, that’s a sensible adjustment I should make in my thinking!
Emma* July 22, 2017 at 3:50 pm I had the mirena iud- painful insertion but quick, and helped immensely by extra ibuprofen taken in advance per doctor’s orders, and by inserting it while on my period. My periods were light/ nonexistent on mirena, and I think I had it about 2 years. There are sometimes horror stories, but it’s like anything- occasionally there are problems but for most people it’s fine. I felt confident because my obgyn told me she had a mirena. It’s really reliable birth control. As the obgyn said, the risks to your body are much lower than if you’re actually pregnant. I’d definitely get an iud again.
blackcat* July 22, 2017 at 5:02 pm Yeah, the problems are rare. I had a copper IUD. Hurt like hell to get it inserted, but 0 problems thereafter. If you get an ultrasound to check placement after it’s done, the risk of any complications is basically zero.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 6:59 pm Yes, my GP said the best time to insert it is at the end of your period as everything is a bit ‘looser’! I am surprised people are saying the insertion is painful – that is one thing that I hadn’t considered, I suppose I thought it would be a bit like inserting a tampon and it would just slide in easily before being opened up – it sounds like this is not the case? My GP said ‘it’s no more uncomfortable than having a smear test’, but having a smear can be pretty uncomfortable…!
nonegiven* July 22, 2017 at 8:36 pm It has to go through your cervical opening, tampons don’t go that far.
blackcat* July 22, 2017 at 9:01 pm It depends on whether or not you’ve had kids. If you haven’t, the cervical opening is… a tiny, tiny hole. Shoving something through it is quite painful–and I did have my inserted during my period. If you have had kids, apparently it is pretty easy, if a bit uncomfortable. Mine was bad enough that I nearly passed out, and I’m good with pain (I’ve had dental work with no pain meds). I barely feel pap smears.
TL -* July 22, 2017 at 11:19 pm I’ve never had kids and it was super easy for me! I find pap smears to be fairly painful, too. My OB-GYN was fantastic, however, and off birth control I have really hellacious cramps.
Reba* July 23, 2017 at 6:24 am For the me paint was not *that* bad on insertion–though certainly a novel kind of discomfort. But I was in some pain, like quite bad cramps, and a bit wobbly for the rest of the day. I had thought I would go back to work after the appointment. HA! No. It would be good to have someone drive you if you’re going to be traveling by car.
Carrie Lynn* July 22, 2017 at 5:41 pm I am in my early 40s, child-free, and used BCP with no break week for about 20 years to control my insane periods. They were 9-12 days every month, with type of flow that required bathroom visits every 90 minutes despite using pads and tampons together. I also suffered from constant nausea, vomiting, and passing out from the pain. The constant flow of hormones was really screwing up my endocrine system, so my doctor recommended Mirena. I just got my second Mirena last month, after wearing the previous one for the full term. Insertion is misery (especially because I’ve never had a child) but the throbbing recedes after a few hours. I almost never have a period, and if I do it’s barely noticeable. My spouse complained about the strings being painful immediately after the first one was inserted, and I went back into have them trimmed shorter. No issues after that. I’m very happy with it, and plan to continue with them until menopause.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 7:07 pm Oh wow, it sounds like you really needed something, thank you for sharing your experience. Good to hear you would recommend it, and I am impressed at how much it has improved your symptoms – mine are mild in comparison, so it’s reassuring to think I could end up with no pain and no periods!
Jules the First* July 22, 2017 at 6:02 pm Depending on the degree of heaviness, you could also try something like a Mooncup for a few months before you take the plunge with an IUD – I used to have a lot of trouble with the volume of my flow (and persistent anemia) and my practice nurse in the UK suggested we try switching from pads and tampons to a Mooncup before we tried an IUD (I also have a prolapsed womb and neither one of us was keen on the idea of inserting an IUD). Much to my astonishment, it worked – I went from needing a bathroom every hour, to changing my Mooncup twice a day, It has quite literally revolutionised my life.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 7:16 pm Ooh yes, I have tried a mooncup. I was very enthusiastic initially, but I found that because my issue is more that I have lots of clots (sorry to gross readers out!) it would sometimes fill quite quickly, and I struggled with finding an appropriate loo in which to empty it. It needs rinsing before reinsertion and I could not always access a loo with a sink. And sometimes I would have ‘butter fingers’ and drop it or spill the contents… So I would definitely recommend women try one, as it definitely lessened the occasions when I ‘leaked’ and could be left longer than tampons, but I just could not get on with it on days when I was not at home.
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 4:35 am To be honest, I had gone to the appointment in the mindset of ‘discussing blood test results’ so talking about period stuff wasn’t something I had really thought about beforehand. I didn’t ask about a D&C and the doctor didn’t suggest it. However she was quite ‘keen’ on an IUD and although we discussed other options she kept coming back to that as her main recommendation. I suppose it’s less ‘hassle’ than a D&C but gives a similar result?
Isobel* July 23, 2017 at 6:41 am A D&C is not recommended for menorrhagia these days – risks outweigh benefits. The mirena ius is specifically licenced for heavy periods, whereas the implant isn’t – not that the implant (Nexplanon) wouldn’t help, necessarily, but the IUS has a direct effect on the uterine lining. In the UK ablation is an option, but it’s more invasive (and yes, expensive) than the IUS. It’s also not reversible whereas it’s usually very straightforward to remove a Mirena.
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 8:58 am Thank you, Isobel, for your input throughout this thread – you are obviously very knowledgable on this subject and I appreciate the comments you’ve added.
Isobel* July 23, 2017 at 11:40 am Thank you, that’s kind. I probably should point out that I’m only a GP (though I am particularly interested in contraception and women’s health). I know prevailing public opinion tends towards GPs being useless (and I know some are) but it would be nice to think there are some of us who may be of some help sometimes! Have you come across the website patient.info? There’s quite a bit of information there about different options. https://patient.info/health/heavy-periods-menorrhagia I hope you find a solution that works well for you.
Kj* July 22, 2017 at 8:50 pm I loved, loved, loved my IUD. I had a Mirena and while the insertion was painful, my periods stopped 100% and it was glorious. My advice is to look for a gynecologist who specializes in IUDs. Mine was a specialist and listed that on her website. Sadly, her hospital system was bought out by a catholic order and she had to move on, but I was very grateful for her expertise and can’t recommend IUDs enough. Plan on getting it in on a day when you. can take the next 48 hours easy and you’ll be fine. About checking the strings- I did so monthly and never had a problem. It was weird to do at first, but not hard. I’d say of the women I have known with IUDs, there is one bad story for every 5-10 good ones. Again, find a specialist and talk to them. My doc was able to tell me what complications I would likely have on the basis of my age and pregnancy history.
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 4:46 am Thanks Kj, that’s all really good advice. Unfortunately as I am in the UK I don’t have the option of choosing to see a specialist – apparently there are two or theee female GPs at my doctor’s surgery who are trained in inserting IUDs so it would be a case of picking one of them and making an appointment. The thought of being period-free is very tempting :)
Ramona Flowers* July 22, 2017 at 10:20 pm Sorry if it’s a stupid question but is the pill an option? I take it back to back with no issues as I hate the idea of a coil.
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 4:41 am Hello, the pill is not recommended as I am over 40 – more risks of blood clots/strokes. Although I prefer the idea of the hormones being more ‘contained to the appropriate area’ with an IUD, and I wouldn’t have to remember to take it every day!
Isobel* July 23, 2017 at 7:03 am Ron, I would really recommend the website patient.info – particularly the pages on heavy periods and the decision aid tool. It’s a UK based site and there are pages for professionals too. Also there’s the NICE guidance summary which is available online – it’s aimed at doctors but might be helpful to you?https://patient.info/health/heavy-periods-menorrhagia https://cks.nice.org.uk/menorrhagia
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 1:10 pm Thank you Isobel – I tried to reply to your comment above, but I think it has nested too much as it won’t give me that option! I wouldn’t describe you as ‘just’ a GP, and I hope I haven’t used any language which gave the impression that I think GPs are useless, if so I apologise. I obviously only had a 5-10 minute appointment with my GP, and was a bit blindsided by her mention of an IUD, hence me seeking advice from this lovely community of knowledgeable people! I hadn’t gone to the patient.info website about this, but will hot-foot it over there to have a gander – thanks for suggesting it, I have used this website in the past to look up other things, so think it will provide valuable information. Thanks again for taking the time to reply, it is appreciated :)
Isobel* July 23, 2017 at 7:17 pm Heavens, no, I didn’t get that impression from you at all and I’m sorry if I sounded defensive! I know it’s really difficult to cover everything in a ten minute appointment and it’s one of the things I find frustrating about the system. I also wanted to apologise for commenting so much – my phone’s playing up and several times it didn’t seem to register at first. I appreciate that you asked for personal experiences and actually I can’t provide that so I’m glad other more empathetic commenters have been able to. You’re right, it is a very helpful community.
Ron McDon* July 24, 2017 at 3:30 am Oooh please don’t apologise for commenting so much, your input has been very helpful! I’ve been very grateful to have both personal and medical viewpoints, they all help immensely :)
PX* July 23, 2017 at 7:09 am Another person here in favour of IUDs. Had a Mirena inserted a few months ago. A fair amount of spotting and cramps the first few weeks, but once that tapered off no issues. Note that it can take a while before your hormones stabilise, so you might continue to have heavy periods and then they gradually become lighter. The key thing is making sure its fitted properly, and dont be afraid to go back to your GP and make noise if you feel like something isnt right. Im also in the UK and actually went to a sexual health clinic as the first insertion at my GP wasnt put in quite right (too low), and even though I had no pain, I occasionally felt somewhat uncomfortable. The nurse there was great, took out the first one, put in a new one and havent had any issues since. The recommendations about checking strings varies by region. Basically if its put in correctly, the chances of it moving are very, very small. If your strings are cut short, you might not even be able to feel them. Some doctors dont even ask you to feel for them as it makes people more stressed when they cant find them, when in reality everything is fine. So I would take that advice with a grain of salt. I currently have basically no period and its definitely worth the 5 minutes of pain I went through getting it inserted!
Jess* July 23, 2017 at 8:04 am I would second the sexual health clinic suggestion, if that’s an option – I have a lot of problems with my periods and have always found the staff there to be much more up to speed than my GP on the pros and cons of all the various options and able to discuss them in depth. Plus, if I was going to have an IUD I liked the idea of having one inserted by someone who does it all day every day. I do find that everyone is pushing IUDs on me these days, and I might still get one in the future – partly I worry about the pain of insertion, and partly I’ve had so many bad experiences with hormonal birth control I’m not keen on trying something where you can’t just stop taking the pill if it doesn’t suit you. And I’ve done very badly on some forms of progesterone-only birth control which makes me extra worried about the Mirena. Having said all that, I do know people who are very happy with their IUDs, and who they have been life-changing for.
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 9:04 am Thank you, PX and Jess for this advice – I had not considered going anywhere other than my GP to have it inserted, but going somewhere where they are perhaps more ‘practised’ in the insertion makes perfect sense, thank you so much for the suggestion :)
Mela* July 23, 2017 at 9:47 am This is the only thing that really matters. Ask any potential provider how many they’ve inserted over their careers, how many they’ve inserted in the past month, what specifics they do and why (ie some use meds to soften the cervix, others don’t–both have valid reasons)
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 10:58 am Thanks Mela, all good things to ask that I wouldn’t have thought of myself :)
miyeritari* July 23, 2017 at 11:37 am A number of my friends as well as myself got Mirena IUDs in December for purely contraceptive purposes because wer were concerned about possible changes in health care coverage (we live in the US.) I had previously used NuvaRing as my birth control method, and I knew exactly the effect that had on me, so I know I was okay with birth control hormones. If you’ve never had birth control hormones before, you might want to try something more temporary until you know if that’s something you can handle. (However, I did read that for some people, the copper IUD – Paragard – increases your flow, though I had a friend who said her periods stopped completely. ?!) I found getting Mirena hurt a little on insertion, but wasn’t worse than a really bad stubbed toe or something like that. If you take two tylenol (or whatever painkiller of choice you prefer) before you get it, you should be fine. I also had someone come with me to hold my hand, because I get anxious. For what it’s worth, my OBGYN asked me if surgical procedures made me nervous, and if so would have prescribed something to me for anxiety, although I don’t know how common this is/would be. If you DO think this is something that would help you, there might be no harm in asking, especially if you and your OBGYN are cool. (I’m in the US, so don’t know what the culture around this would be in the UK.) I was pretty achey/crampy for the next couple of days. I took the day off and the following day, although I could have gone to work if I needed to. About six weeks later my OBGYN recommended an ultrasound to make sure it was well-placed, and there it was! I considered posting this picture on Facebook: Look! I’m not pregnant! I restrained myself. When your OBGYN says “feel the strings,” she doesn’t actually mean passively – she means like you can stick your fingers into your vagina and feel them. my OBGYN recommended I do this every other month, just in case. your obgyn should show you how, but I personally didn’t find it that difficult. You shouldn’t feel it otherwise. As a side note, if your IUD does fall out (and i don’t know how common this is), i’m pretty sure you could just get a new one – although you might want to try implanon (the birth control arm implant) instead. I’ve found that my periods *are* significantly lighter, as well as my PMS cramps, though they haven’t gone away completely. Still hoping though, as it’s only been six months. I’ve found that the amount of days I’m actually bleeding is slightly longer, but I bleed less overall. In my IUD Squad, none of us have had any significant side effects. I hope this helps! For what it’s worth, I strongly recommend a Mirena IUD.
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 1:00 pm Wow, thank you for taking the time to write such detailed information, I really appreciate it. I think I got a bit distracted by all the ‘possible’ side effects, rather than looking at how ‘probable’ they are. I am really heartened by how many lovely commenters here have taken the time to let me know their experiences, and provide reassurance that they and their friends have generally had good results – thank you everyone! :)
Natalie* July 23, 2017 at 5:46 pm For whatever it’s worth, my periods didn’t disappear completely until around the beginning of my third year with a Mirena. But they were significantly lighter and shorter during the first two years.
Ron McDon* July 24, 2017 at 3:31 am Oooh please don’t apologise for commenting so much, your input has been very helpful! I’ve been very grateful to have both personal and medical viewpoints, they all help immensely :)
Ron McDon* July 24, 2017 at 3:43 am Sorry Natalie, this was a comment to Isobel further up-thread, which for some reason posted here too! I was going to say thank you for posting about your experience, it is interesting that the timeframes are so different for different people. Lighter shorter periods sound good (although no periods sound better!).
Jessica Fletcher* July 23, 2017 at 1:04 pm I’ve had a Mirena for just over a year now and so far I love it. I would say the insertion was uncomfortable (for a few minutes), with maybe a few seconds of pain, but that was about it. My doctor had me take a fairly high dose of ibuprofen every 12 hours for a few days ahead of time, and I think that really helped. I felt basically fine within a few minutes of insertion, although I did take it easy the rest of the day. Prior to getting it, my periods were very heavy. After getting it, I had several months (maybe as many as six or seven?) with a lot of spotting throughout the month, but nothing really heavy. I have been getting my period still, but it’s been much, much lighter. My doctor said my periods will probably continue to taper off, and actually, my last period consisted pretty much entirely of a little bit of blood on the toilet paper after using the bathroom. It was light enough that I didn’t need a pad or tampon or even a pantyliner. I haven’t noticed any negative side effects at all. Best of luck whatever you decide!
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 1:13 pm Thanks Jessica, I appreciate you taking the time to let me know your experience. I can deal with months of spotting if it means (eventual) light/non-existent periods! I don’t know what I’d do with my boxes and boxes of Lilets Ultra that I’ve stocked up on though… :)
anonanonanonymous* July 24, 2017 at 12:14 am I’m another happy Mirena patient! I’m on my third one (for birth control), and I am so relieved to not have to think about taking a pill every day. I don’t get periods at all with Mirena, and my hormones are now stable enough to make my migraines manageable. My insertions have been unpleasant but short and not too painful. I get cramps right after, and then I don’t have cramps for five years. :) I am so thankful to the nurse at my college health center who told me an IUD was an option–I’d struggled to find birth control that didn’t make my migraines worse. Everyone is different, but as you can see from this thread, lots of people love their Mirenas. Good luck to you, whatever you choose!
Ron McDon* July 24, 2017 at 3:52 am Thank you, I have gone from feeling a bit anxious and negative about IUDs when I posted my question, to thinking perhaps this would be a life changing thing to do. I think I’ve downplayed how much my periods were affecting my life, in my own mind, and am now accepting that it is not normal to bleed like this, and it is sensible to do something about it. Thanks again to all the commenters – I feel so lucky that I have this community to turn to for advice, and look out for an update in a month or so (I’m off on my holibobs soon so won’t be doing anything until I get back!).
Cam* July 24, 2017 at 6:13 am I’m another one with a good Mirena experience. I got on implanted about two months after having my baby and I’ve been on it for six months now. The insertion was really easy for me, two strong cramps, and that was it. The rest of the day I had normal first day of your period cramps, so I used a heating pad. Previously, I’d say that my periods were moderate. I didn’t have to miss work, but generally was pretty miserable with cramps, nausea, irritable bowel, the first two days. My period has almost disappeared. I have very light bleeding one day every two months so far. I have no other symptoms. No cramps, no mood swings (but I’m also on Zoloft for other reasons), no nausea like my last birth control. I’d highly recommend.
CheeryO* July 24, 2017 at 11:30 am Just in case you’re still checking… I’ve had the Mirena IUD since December 2013, and I absolutely love it. My periods stopped completely, although they were on the light side before I had it inserted. Insertion was painful for me (I was 23 at the time, never had children), and I had constant spotting for a month or so, but it was worth it ten times over. No PMS, none of the physical and emotional issues that I had on the pill, and my iron numbers have gone way up with no other changes to my diet. I get very infrequent light cramping and spotting, typically after heavy exercise, but it’s really minor. All told, it’s been fabulous, and I plan on getting another inserted in December 2018.
NiceOrc* July 25, 2017 at 7:39 pm I have a Mirena, because of very heavy periods. I’ve always had relatively heavy bleeding, but it got a lot worse and my dr told me it was probably pre-menopausal. Insertion was fine, comparable to a cervical smear test. My first period afterwards was so light I kept waiting for the “real” period, then after that the most I have had is some light spotting – barely enough for the lowest absorbency tampon. It has really worked well for me.
Stressed!* July 22, 2017 at 2:51 pm For those with experience in this area: is exercise actually effective in relieving stress? And are certain types better than others? (I get recommended yoga a lot, but I remember taking a few yoga classes back at uni and never really benefited from them. Maybe I had an ineffective instructor I don’t know..).
JulieBulie* July 22, 2017 at 3:00 pm Yes, it’s helpful in relieving stress. Any kind of exercise I’ve tried has been helpful. But so has pretty much any leisure activity that’s fairly intense, whether it’s physically intense or mentally intense. If you have the time and the money, I very highly recommend some type of martial arts training because it’s exercise AND it’s learning AND it’s supervised. Supervision is helpful if you feel you’re likely to slack off without it.
Purple snowdrop* July 22, 2017 at 3:06 pm Running relieves stress for me. I’ve got to run again soon.
Elkay* July 22, 2017 at 3:28 pm I go to a fitness pilates class and I find that I need to concentrate on the exercises enough that it clears my mind. Then we have a guided relaxation for 5 mins at the end. While it’s not necessarily stress relief it does me good to know I have an hour a week where my head will be focused on the moment and not thinking about anything else that might be going on in my life.
HannahS* July 22, 2017 at 3:49 pm As someone whose been repeatedly hit by the “but have you tried YOGA if it didn’t work for you it means you were doing it wrong” brigade, be aware that just because something works for lots of people doesn’t mean it’ll work for you. Maybe you’ll like fast-paced exercise better, or solitary exercise, or whatever. I don’t find that exercise relieves my stress, particularly, but it can help me sleep (thereby giving me more energy).
Book Lover* July 22, 2017 at 4:07 pm I think of exercise and stress management separately, though some people find exercise relaxing. For stress management I think tai chi, biofeedback, paced breathing….
Artemesia* July 22, 2017 at 6:27 pm I found rigorous exercise and Tai Chi to be helpful. And if the rigorous steady exercise doesn’t relieve stress at least it makes you stronger, more flexible and with a healthier cardio vascular system, so it is a win win. I am very prone to stress and exercise is one of the few things that reliably helps; I probably should have taken drugs back in the day for it, but always avoided that.
Sherm* July 22, 2017 at 4:18 pm Yes, for me, exercise relieves stress. The exercise can take many forms — hiking, swimming — but it has to be a fair amount of exercise that leaves me winded (in a good way!)
Julianne* July 22, 2017 at 4:37 pm Consigning all the comments about exercise being good for stress relief in general. I have never found yoga to be better or worse for stress relief than any other type of exercise, personally, so I say do what you like! (I will say that the first time I took yoga – that is, the first series of classes I attended regularly, over a few months – I didn’t feel like I benefitted at all. I actually got really stressed about whether I was doing it right and tended to forget to breathe. My second experience doing yoga, years later, was much better. If you were interested in trying it again, perhaps you’d find you like it better the second time around!)
Shananana* July 22, 2017 at 5:39 pm weightlifting saves my sanity when life gets super stressful. I like to throw on some loud angry music and grab some weights that will make me sore the next day. I am a female, who wears dresses 90% of the time, and am totally in the demographic that gets recommended yoga ALL THE TIME. Yoga is fine, but weightlifting is what helps the stress for me. So, experiment and see what actually helps lift the weight off your shoulders. It may not be what works for other people. For me, the slightly sore muscles the next day keep me centered. To each their own :)
Dead Quote Olympics* July 23, 2017 at 10:11 am I just had a conversation with a friend about weightlifting and stress relief — she has what she calls “monkey mind” and didn’t find yoga or meditation at all helpful because of that. I recommended weights because one of the benefits that I’ve found is that if you are counting reps, it’s impossible to think about anything else. So an hour of weightlifting means a significant amount of time that you have to be “in the moment” without any special mind training. At least, I’ve never met anyone who could count and think about anything else at the same time!
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 10:20 am I used to ‘write’ i.e. plan my writing while exercising and so I developed systems for counting that didn’t require thinking about counting. e.g. my right hand is ones and my left hand is units of 5 and I can do laps on a track counting laps that way to 25 and then start over while laying out a chapter in my head. Same with weights although I am less likely to use a system like that when lifting.
Dead Quote Olympics* July 23, 2017 at 1:18 pm I just had a conversation with my trainer about this, because I was teasing that I wasn’t getting the benefit of an empty mind because he was doing the counting for me. He counts reps all day, every day and he thinks he’s developed “background counting” in his head although he admitted that it may be more like close enough, meaning off by one in either direction.
Fake old Converse shoes* July 23, 2017 at 1:43 pm I went to Aerobox classes a couple of years ago and I LOVED IT. The teacher was a female amateur boxer, who constantly encouraged us to do things we’ve never imagined before. Unfortunately I had to drop out when I started at OldJob.
SpiderLadyCEO* July 22, 2017 at 5:52 pm Yes and no. I have actually walked OUT of yoga classes because the teacher irritated me so much, if that’s something you’re interested in, be prepared to try out classes until you find a fit. For me, what works is taking the time to do things I enjoy – it’s not just the physical activity, it’s the pleasure involved in doing it. So running is pure misery, but hiking local trails (free ones!) makes me feel great. In the same thread: I get up early every morning and walk around my neighborhood with Pokemon Go. I get the light physical activity, and get a simple, fun, mindless game. Stress relieving activities vary a lot from person to person – physical activity might give you a chance to unclutter your mind, but so might a bath. If there is a type of exercise you enjoy, then do that.
Jules the First* July 22, 2017 at 6:08 pm Lots of exercise is effective at relieving stress – it’s just about finding the right one that works for you. Yoga does nothing for my stress levels (I do it to touch base with my body instead). For stress relief, I used to go to Irish hard shoe classes in high school (there’s something satisfying about making a lot of noise at the end of a frustrating day); I’ve got one sister who kick boxes (she says it’s incredibly rewarding to beat the crap out of an inanimate object) and the other one rock climbs (forcing her to focus intently on her current space and time). I’m actually finding my new thing-we-don’t-discuss much less stressful than I was expecting it to be, partly because my commute now includes a minimum 20 minute walk.
edj3* July 22, 2017 at 6:42 pm Absolutely, exercise relieves stress for me. I run and do a lot of strength work, but mostly the running is the sanity saver. Love it, and if I’m ever not physically able to run, that will be a huge loss.
Thlayli* July 22, 2017 at 7:52 pm I do tae Kwon do and I find that punching people in the face and being punched in the face twice a week is absolutely brilliant at making all the other stuff in your life feel less important. So if your main goal is stress relief I highly recommend martial arts or boxing or something like that. (We wear pads (like boxing gloves) and you are not supposed to hit full force and anyone who would hit a beginner hard would get in serious trouble so don’t be afraid to try it if it sounds a little scary).
Ramona Flowers* July 22, 2017 at 10:22 pm Yoga has helped me hugely with stress as it makes my jerkbrain shut up and physically relaxes me. It’s not for everyone though and you need a good teacher. Zumba helped too as it was fun.
Saturnalia* July 22, 2017 at 11:23 pm There are times that I can stave off an anxiety attack with weight lifting (I despise most cardio stuff). I think it’s gonna be very personal what works for each person. The weights are tough from the get go, which I love, and some lifts take a lot of concentration to get right so my brain gets focused on counting (to ten, repeatedly, which is so soothing), and it draws me out of my head into my body. I know it’s supposed to help to work out regularly, but honestly I am only getting benefit in the moment. Hopefully that’s just me tho!
Junior Dev* July 23, 2017 at 12:52 am It absolutely helps me. Different kinds of exercise may affect you differently but I think it depends heavily on the person. For me, the more in shape I am, the better any given workout feels, generally. For example, when I’ve picked up running after taking break from it, I usually take a month or two to get back to a place where I can really run long enough to feel great while doing it. But regardless of what I’m at in my training I always feel better when I exercise at least every other day. Some things to try: swimming, running, any group sport, bicycling, weight lifting, rock climbing, roller skating, hiking.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 10:07 am A big yes! When my husband passed my pastor was quick to point out that widows who take walks regularly make out better than widows who do not. In this case part of what is at work is visually reconnecting with the immediate surroundings. We can get too much inside our own heads. By going outside and walking around the neighborhood, we can reconnect to the bigger picture. A lot of stress comes from having too narrow a focus. Walking can force us to refocus mentally while making our bodies move about. Staying still causes the organs not to work as well as they should, movement causes our organs to get up and start functioning properly. Better organ function in turn also helps with how our minds work and how we process the life garbage flying at us. It was HARD to go for the first few walks. The hardest part was getting out the door. Once I was underway, it got better.
Lore* July 23, 2017 at 10:44 pm For me, it relieves anxiety more than stress–it slows down the hamster wheel brain and gives me something else to focus on. I sleep better too.
AlaskaKT* July 22, 2017 at 2:54 pm Does anyone have recommendations for mapping/planning software for land? Since we started our homestead with raw land I’m having a little issue deciding where things go. If I could find some sort of program that I could do to-scale area mapping on our place I would have a lot easier time with this. I need something where I can draw out fencing, gardens and buildings. Hopefully uploading my land with lot size/shape from the county website or something? Maybe what I’m thinking of doesn’t exist, but if it does I don’t know what to Google to find it. Thanks for any tips!
Queen of Cans & Jars* July 22, 2017 at 3:09 pm I don’t have any advice, but I’m interested in learning more about your homestead. How many acres? Are you planning on doing some farming? I’m guessing you’re in Alaska, so that’s got to present some interesting challenges. We have 36 acres in Indiana & are raising chickens, cows (at least for the time being) and lots of produce on about 10 of those acres.
AlaskaKT* July 22, 2017 at 3:34 pm We are on 5.5 acres in the Alaskan bush, hoping to acquire the next few pieces of land soon and expand to 27 acres. We’re just starting out as we’ve only been in Alaska just over a year, but we have chickens, goats, rabbits, pigs coming next month, and a garden. Our biggest challenge right here is that we live in a rainforest now so last year I actually drowned the entire garden. I grew up in a desert so having so much rain was a huge shock. My blog is actually linked in my name if you’d like to check it out.
AlaskaKT* July 22, 2017 at 4:46 pm I’ll look into GIS, and thanks! I’m always excited to hear someone likes it
LadyKelvin* July 22, 2017 at 8:56 pm QGIS is the free version where you can do just about as much as ArcGIS. It might work for you if you have experience working in that type of software.
Red* July 22, 2017 at 3:47 pm Have you considered graph paper? It’s not high-tech, but it sounds like it would work just fine and I’ve used it for many garden plans
AlaskaKT* July 22, 2017 at 4:08 pm I’ve thought about it but I’m not mathematically inclined at all, so I’m hoping to find a program that does most of the work for me.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 10:10 am I have no clue, I am sure that probably that kind of software is expensive because it’s used by land developers. My thought is to search for freeware, I have never done this so take it with a grain of salt. I wonder if this would be a good work thread question because maybe there are some folks who do this type of planning for a living.
In the genealogy industry no longer* July 23, 2017 at 12:59 pm I’m trying to remember exactly what the software is, but I know some genealogists use plotting software as part of their research – Randy Seaver of geneamusings.com did an article review at some point, if I find it I’ll come back with a link (I invite you to test your Google fu with this quest as well, if you wish!)
In the genealogy industry no longer* July 23, 2017 at 1:03 pm OK he talks about a couple options here – http://www.geneamusings.com/2015/01/plotting-metes-and-bounds-of-simon.html Not sure if this is what you need but it’s what I got!
JulieBulie* July 22, 2017 at 3:06 pm If the posts are on my side of the fence, does that mean it’s my fence? Or is the owner the one who has the pretty side of the fence? It’s a wooden fence. It came with the house. It’s starting to fall apart. My neighbor seems more concerned about it than I am and it would be fine with me if she got it fixed on her own… but if it’s my fence, then it’s up to me. It’s a wooden privacy fence. I don’t care much about it, so if it’s my responsibility, I’ll either have it fixed or take it down, whichever is cheaper. If it’s cheaper to take it down, I’ll tell the neighbor (who has never been friendly, and never speaks to me except to complain about me or other neighbors) so she can have the option to pay for its repair, or build a new one after I have the old one taken out.
CAA* July 22, 2017 at 3:15 pm You can’t tell who owns a fence by looking at it. What matters is which side of the property line it’s on.
WellRed* July 22, 2017 at 5:10 pm Where i live, the person who owns the fence is supposed to put the pretty side out., in theory. Not sure if that’s new England politeness, though.
JulieBulie* July 22, 2017 at 5:25 pm Well, I’m in New England and this isn’t a particularly polite neighborhood, but I suspect that the side with the posts is the side it was put up from, and thus is the owner’s side. Otherwise, the fence-maker is doing all of the work in the neighbor’s yard instead of the owner’s. I’ve already been told by the city that the fence is on the property line, else this would be a simple thing. OK, I googled around some, and it’s complicated. If it’s on the property line, then it comes down to which of us “uses” the fence more. I don’t “use” the fence or find it useful, so I may not have any responsibility for it; however, neither does she, so it appears that we own it jointly. So… I guess we’ll need to talk. I’ll probably propose that we split the cost of taking it down. Second choice, split the cost of fixing it. Third choice, I’ll take it down at my expense and she can do what she wants.
CAA* July 22, 2017 at 7:05 pm Yeah, if it’s right on the property line then there’s a good chance it was done as a 50/50 split between neighbors. Do you know if your current neighbor was involved with putting the fence in and would have that background? There’s a lot of variance in local laws about fencing, but I’ve never seen one that requires the owner to put the pretty side out. If neither of you has a dog or children that need to be kept in, then splitting the cost of removal is probably your best option for maintaining neighborly harmony.
JulieBulie* July 22, 2017 at 7:29 pm No, I’ve been here 15 years, she’s only been around for about three years (she is my third neighbor in that house). The thing is, I think she wants to keep it, and I’d just as soon get rid of it. I’ll agree to either option if she splits the cost. If not, rather than fight about it, I’ll have to decide whether I want to pay to have it removed (eliminating the problem forever), wait for it to collapse , etc.
Anna* July 22, 2017 at 8:52 pm If the fence is on the line, then, around here, you would each be responsible for the “Right Half”.. You stand facing each other over the middle of the fence. What ever is to your right is your responsibility. If it is not on the line, then the pretty side *should* be on the opposite side from the owner, but there isn’t really any kind of ordinance about that here. If the fence is on the line, you either have to agree or wait until it collapses. You can’t just pull it out if it is on the line and she wants to keep it.
JulieBulie* July 22, 2017 at 9:34 pm Wow – that’s kind of dangerous, to just let it collapse rather than fix it. I’m pretty sure the right half rule doesn’t apply around here, but if it did, then the problem would be hers!
Girasol* July 22, 2017 at 6:34 pm Around here neighbors go halves on setting up and maintaining fences.
Mallory Janis Ian* July 22, 2017 at 11:13 pm That’s what we do around here, too. My husband got together with each of the neighbors and split the cost of a “good neighbor*” fence. Somehow, the men of each household were all handy, so my husband worked with each of them in turn to install fences at the various property lines. *There is no pretty side or ugly side; the boards are alternated so that the fence is identical from either side.
The Cosmic Avenger* July 22, 2017 at 7:38 pm Like others have said, whose fence it is depends 100% on whose property it is on. You may be thinking of how in many places, if a fence is built right on the property line, the person who builds it is required to put the nice side out, as a way of compensating for taking up a sliver of your neighbor’s property. That would usually be covered by your city/county zoning laws, so it’ll vary, but I believe that’s the case in many areas. You should consider having a survey done so you know for sure who is responsible for the fence, and where to place any fence you might build later. The city can’t tell you whose property the fence is on without a current survey.
JulieBulie* July 22, 2017 at 7:57 pm From earlier comment: “I’ve already been told by the city that the fence is on the property line, else this would be a simple thing.” I checked on this maybe 7 years ago because my previous neighbor wanted to “move” the fence a little bit closer to the house (which would have left me with an 18-inch passage along part of the side of my house) so that they could put in an illegal driveway for their two very large SUVs. Come to think of it, they were assuming that I owned the fence. Current neighbor seems to have the same assumption, but at least she wasn’t asking me to basically give her some of my property to park her car on it.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 8:52 pm Probably one owner is telling the next owner that you own the fence. Have you noticed any surveyor’s markers in the lawn? If you have your deed maybe you can get some clues off of the deed.
Clever Name* July 22, 2017 at 8:39 pm The few times I’ve had to replace a fence, I went halvsies with my neighbor in it, since presumably, it benefits both you and the neighbor. If they say no, and you really want to replace it, you’ll probably have to pay for it yourself or leave it alone.
JulieBulie* July 22, 2017 at 9:31 pm I really don’t care if we replace it, is the thing. I’m willing to split the cost of fixing/replacing it, but if she won’t put up any money, I’ll eliminate the problem by getting rid of the fence. I think she likes having the fence there (I think she’d like to have a moat) and will probably agree to split the cost of a fix rather than pay for a whole new one herself, but if I’m wrong, there won’t be a fence any more. So to sum up/restate the problem: my neighbor and I share a fence (is apparently how it works when it’s on a property line), she expects me to fix it at my own expense, I’m increasingly realizing that this is ridiculous, and if I’m the only one paying for it then I’ll do what suits me, not her.
nonegiven* July 23, 2017 at 12:41 am Tell her you are going to tear it down and leave it down, unless she wants to go halves on fixing it. Have an estimate ready when you talk to her.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 10:24 am “I’m not interested in keeping the fence, so as it is decaying and a potential hazard I am planning to remove it. If you would like to replace the fence I would be willing to split the cost of a new fence. What do you want to do?”
Chaordic One* July 22, 2017 at 10:15 pm When I had to replace the fence in my backyard, my neighbor generously offered to go halvsies on the cost. We chose a “shadow box” style of fence where the two sides both looked the same, so no one got stuck with an ugly side of the fence. It also fits in well in neighborhood and doesn’t really stick out with the architecture. This link is very close to what our actual fence looks like: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/425871708490201880
Mallory Janis Ian* July 22, 2017 at 11:18 pm That’s what my husband did with each of our neighbors. They called it a “good neighbor” fence, but it’s exactly the same style.
Mephyle* July 23, 2017 at 1:56 pm Do you know where your property line is? Our neighbour wanted a fence so we went halves with him on the stretch that divided our two properties, and the fence went right on the line. On our neighbour’s other side, his neighbour didn’t want to go halves. But our neighbour still wanted a complete fence around all sides of his back yard. So he was obliged to put that stretch of fence inside his property line a certain distance (I don’t remember how much). Thus the neighbour’s neighbour got a dirty win-win. They didn’t have to pay for that stretch of fence plus they got a few extra inches on that side.
Amy* July 22, 2017 at 3:09 pm Do you think it’s cultural appropriation to wear traditional clothing of another culture? Usually in the context of, say, attending a festival? Like Caucasian tourists who hire kimonos to walk around Japanese shrines, or non-Germans who wear lederhosen or dirndls to Oktoberfest (although I know the latter is mostly a touristy thing to do anyway)?
Sam Foster* July 22, 2017 at 3:45 pm Seems tacky to me but I’d consult with a trusted person from the local area who can advise you as to what is acceptable.
someone101* July 22, 2017 at 3:45 pm This is so tough. The best line I ever heard when it comes to cultural appropriation is ‘the most common misconception is that you have to be racist to commit an act of racism’. I think you don’t have to wear costumes etc to appreciate whatever culture it is your dressing for. If everybody started wearing bindis for example (they became ‘fashionable’ a few years ago and topic of heated debates) it erases the cultural significance of the item. I would say better to be safe than sorry and not wear costume unless it’s suggested; for example a friend of mine from india was getting married and requested we wear certain clothes and colours.
someone101* July 22, 2017 at 5:04 pm EDIT: as noted by HannahS below my examples were different, my apologies I meant to use the wedding to illustrate not to wear any form of traditional clothing unless invited to ☺
HannahS* July 22, 2017 at 6:15 pm Oh I totally understand! It wasn’t a dig at you. I didn’t actually read your reply until after I’d written mine. I feel like we’re saying the same thing; it would be weird for you to go, “No, Ruchi, it’s cultural appropriation when you asked me to wear a sari to an Indian wedding of Indian people in India.”
someone101* July 22, 2017 at 6:50 pm It’s totally cool no worries! I do worry sometimes when I comment on posts as I’m not very good at articulating my thoughts correctly onto paper or out loud, they sometimes come across differently to how I’m thinking them! I hope that made sense without me sounding entirely crazy!!!
Saturnalia* July 23, 2017 at 2:12 pm Fwiw I’m always worrying about this too, someone101 – I feel like the regulars on this weekend thread are more likely to assume positive intent or ask to clarify, compared with the advice threads. Maybe it’s just lower stakes topics? Maybe we’re more easygoing when not at work? Anyway dunno if it helps to hear from another worrying poster, but in case it does: HIIIIIIIII :-)
Saturnalia* July 23, 2017 at 2:19 pm (she then proceeded to read the rest of this appropriation thread and hugely regretted generalizing weekend topics as “lower stakes”) :-/ word choice fail
HannahS* July 23, 2017 at 6:28 pm lol! I don’t know. Maybe it does feel friendlier because we’re talking about personal things? I’m certainly more likely to talk on the weekend, even though I read every day. Hi to you too :)
HannahS* July 22, 2017 at 4:30 pm Depends on where you are and what population we’re talking about. Those two examples are not similar. As for the museum, remember that the dynamics are completely different when you’re in another country and imposing American conceptions of race and power dynamics on other countries is not good and doesn’t work. I remember a whole kerfuffle when a Japanese museum was letting tourists wear kimono and Japanese-Americans were very upset, feeling that it was appropriation, but Japanese people in Japan were puzzled at the outrage–they felt that they were sharing their history with visitors. In Japan, Japanese people are the majority and the ones in positions of institutional power. In the same way that it’s not appropriation for an American museum to let people from all around the world dress like pioneers and take pictures, it’s not wrong for a museum in Japan do the same. I’m not saying that Japanese-Americans were wrong in feeling offended; I think part of the problem was that there were a lot of people in American internet spaces sharing their photos with insensitive captions so it felt like when Sue from accounting won’t stop telling Ruchi how she wore a sari to a wedding once. Identity politics between diaspora-people and mother-country-people are complicated, but the point is that non-Japanese-Americans can’t and shouldn’t try to dictate the relationship that Japanese people in Japan have with their own history and culture or their decisions about who gets to share it. Same goes for attending Oktoberfest in Germany. If they encourage wearing historical clothing, go right ahead. Now as to Oktoberfests in outside of Germany…I’ve heard of some German people feeling hurt that people without German ancestry dress-up for Oktoberfest in, like, Maine. But while it might be insensitive, I’m pretty sure that appropriation, by definition, applies to oppressed populations. Germans in the US are not an oppressed population, so it’s not at all comparable to the “don’t ever wear a war bonnet to a music festival no seriously don’t” or “can white girls please stop wearing bindi” conversations. I’d say, see what the festival encourages and listen to what people in the relevant community are saying.
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 5:20 pm Oh, Hannah, this is really nicely said. I do find that we Americans have a tendency to replicate the very offensiveness we hope to mitigate when we insist other cultures operate to our template.
HannahS* July 22, 2017 at 6:17 pm Thanks! I vaguely feel like a celebrity has congratulated me since I always enjoy your comments :)
HannahS* July 23, 2017 at 5:37 pm Cheers! There’s actually a “Hannah” floating around as well, but fortunately I tend to agree with everything she says so we don’t wind up arguing lol
Myrin* July 22, 2017 at 5:26 pm I mean, I’m from Bavaria, the area where Lederhosn and Dirndl are traditionally worn (they’re not an all-German thing) and people who aren’t from here and wear them are definitely looked down upon and viewed as ridiculous. It’s this really weird feeling of shrugging resignation because that ship has sailed apparently (like you say, it even seems like a random touristy thing to outsiders!) on the one hand and anger/disdain/hurt on the other because these are our clothes and you don’t just get to wear them if you aren’t from here. I don’t know whether it’s cultural appropriation. When I first learned about that expression, I thought it fit the feelings I get about the topic really well. But I know too little about whether there’s an official definition of the term which includes factors that might not be given here (like e. g. race, minority, oppression etc.) and I don’t actually know if it really matters in the end.
Artemesia* July 22, 2017 at 6:32 pm Much of the progress in the world has been made where cultures meet and overlap and absorb things from each other. Much of the whole ‘cultural appropriation’ thing is just another way to posture. Yeah, doing things that mock another culture is inappropriate, but recognizing that another culture’s leather pants are really practical is not one of those things. And adapting an ethnic food to broader tastes in the school cafeteria is also not one of those things. IMHO.
LCL* July 22, 2017 at 7:24 pm I was going to post this. I agree times a million. However, out here this is considered racist. I don’t buy it.
neverjaunty* July 22, 2017 at 9:08 pm Dismissing people’s concerns about having their culture mocked and trivialized as “posturing”? Well, I guess that’s one way to double down.
LCL* July 23, 2017 at 10:40 am Liking something from another culture isn’t mocking it. Of course credit should be given, and it’s to everyone’s benefit to learn about and acknowledge your sources.
neverjaunty* July 23, 2017 at 11:16 am Telling people who raise concerns about their culture being appropriated and treated as a novelty that they are “posturing” is mocking them, and also pretty crappy. What is and isn’t cultural appropriation vs. adaptation is a complicated issue that deserves more thought than accusing people of being drama llamas.
HannahS* July 22, 2017 at 9:58 pm But there’s a difference between “cultures meet and overlap and absorb things from each other” and “this is ours now.” The difference between sharing and appropriation is analogous to the difference between immigration (let’s meet and overlap and share this place!) and colonialism (this is ours now).
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 10:26 am So we can’t have tacos in the school cafeteria? And what about pizza (have you seen how Americans have pretty much ruined Italian pizza).
HannahS* July 23, 2017 at 6:55 pm The point–which I hope you’re making a good-faith effort to understand–is that it’s not my place to say. If I heard tomorrow that the Mexican-Canadian community felt disrespected by the presence of tacos in school cafeterias, my first response would be to ASK THEM WHY, not decide that they’re overreacting. On the topic of food, I have never heard of people being upset that their food is being cooked or eaten by outsiders. What I have heard of is people being upset that their food is marketed and sold by outsiders while divorced from its original context, or in a context that’s inappropriate. For example, while I’ve never heard of an Indian person being annoyed that a Westerner bought turmeric to make haldi doodh, I’ve heard great displeasure at Starbucks for selling “turmeric lattes” and were marketing as the next hipster craze. Unlike chai, they renamed it and didn’t give credit where credit is due. For another example, Chinese people aren’t mad that it’s a Jewish tradition to eat their food on Christmas, because we say that’s it’s CHINESE food. We don’t say that it’s a tradition to eat the traditional Jewish dish of Lo Mein. That’s what would be disrespectful. And finally, what it comes down to is the fact that you don’t need to understand something to respect it. When Catholics tell me that I can’t eat their little wafer, I don’t eat the wafer. Sure, I don’t believe in transubstantiation, I don’t get why my Jewish mouth or my Jewish fingers are agents of desecration, and frankly, while we’re on the subject, I’m not a huge fan of the Catholic church in general. But I don’t insist on eating the wafer. It’s not my wafer. They can decide who eats the wafer.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 7:04 pm I refuse to live in a world where I am committing a terrible offense if I cook with tumeric, a spice that has been in my spice drawer for over 50 years.
HannahS* July 23, 2017 at 11:17 pm Artemisia, I honestly can’t tell if you’re deliberately misunderstanding me or don’t understand the difference between consuming something and claiming it. Re-read what I and others have written and you’ll see that no one is telling you that you can’t cook with turmeric. No one in the discourse around appropriation restricts the use of certain spices. Eat turmeric, put it in curries, put it in milk, rub it on your body, whatever, you can’t claim to have invented adding turmeric to things. That’s it. That’s all there is to it.
Ann O.* July 24, 2017 at 2:45 am Is haldi doodh the same thing as a tumeric latte? I haven’t had a tumeric latte, but lattes generally involve coffee whereas haldi doodh–per the Internet–does not. I have seen a lot of posturing in circles around the subject of cultural appropriation. It is very common in social justice circles to see people making broad claims about cultures that aren’t their own, failing to acknowledge cultural diffusion or cultural hybridity, and rationalizing why their own borrowings from other cultures are magically different from the ones they critique. There’s also a lot of broad claims that are unmoored in any kind of agreed upon definition (for example, your claim that appropriation only applies to an oppressed culture is not an agreed upon term and IMHO is one that your own example of the Japanese museum shows how quickly it falls apart). None of this is to say that cultural appropriation is not real and a problem. I was a cultural anthropologist; I’ve been talking about and writing about cultural anthropology long before it became part of public discussion. IMHO, part of the issue with the discussion is that racism can be intertwined with cultural sharing but this does not make the action itself appropriation. From your example of the museum and insensitive captions, the captions would be a problem. Wearing a kimono as part of an exhibit that explicitly invites people to wear a kimono is not.
GermanGirl* July 24, 2017 at 8:46 am The difference is that I’m totally ok with Americans making what they think is Schnitzel, but I’m pissed if I make Schnitzel and they tell me “That’s nice, but it’s not Schnitzel.” (Or whatever dish it was.) This actually happened to me a couple of times.
Myrin* July 23, 2017 at 3:46 am People aren’t wearing our traditional garb because it’s practical, though. Which at least the trousers definitely are (Dirndl are just regular voluminous dresses, I don’t think they’d be considered particularly practical in this time and age), but that’s a totally different topic – my grandpa actually isn’t from here but wore leather trousers similar to Lederhosn when he was a boy eighty years ago because they were sturdy and could take a lot of damage. I don’t think people would bat an eye at that. But this is people taking something that is ours and that we explicitly don’t want to be shared (I actually have yet to meet someone from here who had a different opinion), that has a meaning and significance that outsiders don’t know about, and then making it “sexy” or “fun” like it’s just regular clothes. And it’s not like others are held back culturally or economically because they didn’t get to wear these two specific pieces of cloth (unlike the “progress in the world” you mention, where finding a new way to build ships or filter water or whatever can be a huge advance and advantage if not a downright lifesaver). And really, I think it’s extremely important how the cultures in particular see this – like Hannah says above, if a culture specifically invites others to share, it’s not on outsiders to decide that’s inappropriate or wrong. But bavarians usually explicitly don’t want to share this part of their culture but as I said, that ship has sailed anyway I guess.
Mela* July 23, 2017 at 3:50 am I think what you’re not taking into account is that the “progress” made has not been equitable, largely due to colonial-turned-capitalist forces that exist to benefit white, western countries. Most of the benefits that former colonies/conquered people got in the “exchange” only serve to mildly mitigate the negative impacts of historical/current oppression. And in a lot of instances they barely do that. Or are only allowed to do so as long as they provide more benefits to the powerful.
Chocolate Teapot* July 23, 2017 at 5:56 am I do wear the Bavarian/Tyrol boiled wool jackets quite often, but it is more that they look smarter than a cardigan, but still more casual than a suit jacket. My local C and A has already started stocking dirndls and lederhosen for the Oktoberfest season (and I am nowhere near Bavaria!). Here, it is more of a costume rather than something hotel receptionists and waitresses wear on a daily basis.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 10:28 am Look up the ‘cradle of civilization’ in your history books. Has nothing to do with evil white capitalists. (well NOW it does, but not when civilization was developing. )
Colette* July 22, 2017 at 3:15 pm I’ve just finished moving house for the eighth time in eight years. So far in my life – at just over 30 years – I’ve moved a total of 12 times, across three continents. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever feel ‘settled’ anywhere. I love books (and have a huge collection back at my parent’s house) but I’m afraid to add to my collection because they’re a pain to move and I can’t bear to throw them away. Same with decorative items like vases, or large electronic items (I miss the days of having a television). Anyone want to share how many times they’ve moved in their life to date? Most of my friends have moved three or four times at the most. Hopefully there are people here who’ve moved more times than I have so I can feel less like some sort of vagabond.
FDCA In Canada* July 22, 2017 at 3:21 pm I’m at twelve, lifetime. I’ll be thirty next year. My husband is military, so I’m confident we’ll have many more in the future! The thing with books does get to you after a while. I’ve pared down my collection extremely, because while I love books, I don’t love moving them. It’s just much easier for me to take them out from the library where I’m living and only buy a copy if I just can’t put it down. I just got rid of some books this summer that I hadn’t touched in literal years–clearly I was not using them for anything, just emotionally attached! The only books I’ve bought recently have been used books for my blog that I couldn’t find in libraries or ebook copy, and even those I may end up paring down at the next move, too.
Caro in the UK* July 22, 2017 at 3:24 pm I’ve also moved 12 times :) and I’m early thirties. I moved most recently about a year ago and I’m already having to think about moving to another city for work. Part of me it thinking “ugh, not again”, but the other part of me is wanting to go, because it’s a place I’ve ALWAYS wanted to live and could see myself staying for a long time (whereas my current city… not so much).
Tau* July 22, 2017 at 3:34 pm I’m in the middle of twelve-and-a-half, early thirties. (I was sort of living in two places at once for over a year due to working at a client site.) And yeah, I definitely know your pain. I know my current place is also going to be temporary one way or another, and it sucks to consider things I want to buy and then go “ugggh but moving”. That said, moving has become such a faff anyway, especially now that I’m going to be in an unfurnished place and have to buy All The Furniture, that I’m not sure a few more books or a sewing machine will make a big difference.
Kate in Scotland* July 22, 2017 at 3:45 pm Lived in one house till age 17, lived in 13 more rooms/apartments/houses (plus a summer internship which I wouldn’t count because I didn’t move in fully) between 17 and 32. Now 39 and hope only to move once more for retirement!
Red Reader* July 22, 2017 at 4:01 pm Twice before I was 18. Three between 18-20. Five between 20-24. Two with my ex-husband. Two post-divorce before leaving Washington. Washington to Indiana. And five since I moved to Indiana. So that’s 19, including two interstate? And I’m 36 now, but 17 of the moves have been between age 18-34.
Red Reader* July 22, 2017 at 4:03 pm I moved from Washington to Indiana five years and change ago in a Smart car. I now have enough stuff to kit out a four bedroom house, not counting the bedroom occupied by my housemates. Every once in a while I look around and go “where did all this crap come from??”
Kate in Scotland* July 22, 2017 at 4:36 pm Tell me about it. We’re in the process of clearing out our garage and it’s amazing how stuff builds up when you stay in the same place for 8 years!
Mrs. Fenris* July 23, 2017 at 3:40 pm Promise y’all won’t laugh? Grew up in one house, that had previously been my grandparents.’ My dad had lived there since he was 6. After undergrad, moved to one city for graduate school, then in 24 yearsI’ve lived in 1 apartment and 2 houses within 15 miles of each other. The end. Not really trying to be in a rut, just not in an industry where moving for work is really a thing, and I like it here. I’d be willing to move somewhere else if I had to. It just hasn’t really come up.
Book Lover* July 22, 2017 at 4:03 pm Nine, and three continents. I think I am settled now…. I don’t have a lot from when I was younger, and I am not a hoarder, but I have definitely appreciated furnishing with nice things and getting pretty things (and books!) for my bookcases and feeling at home.
Patsy Stone* July 22, 2017 at 4:51 pm Since finishing college 23 years ago…. 29 moves. Yep. 29. Across three continents, and three provinces in my own country (Canada). I’ve still got one more move in me that won’t happen for three more years, and then after that….I think I’ll be done. I hope :)
Turtlewings* July 22, 2017 at 5:23 pm I’m 32 and have moved… eighteen times, I think? For a period of several years in my early adulthood, I ended up moving for various reasons every single year, and I HATE moving! I really like where I live now and I hope to goodness my apartment complex stops raising the rent every year, because they’re about to price me out and I do NOT want to move again.
Kc89* July 22, 2017 at 5:30 pm 15 moves, under 30 years old Had a long stretch of six years in the same house the rest were 1-3 years
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 4:42 pm I’m old like well more than twice your age and have moved 16 times (not counting 3 month travel gigs) including once internationally for a year, and have lived in 6 states including the PNW, South and Midwest.
Shananana* July 22, 2017 at 5:44 pm My dog just turned 10, and we just moved into our tenth house together. There were some years of terrible rental luck where I moved A LOT. There were easily 10 moves it the lifetime before I got him. Life is long, and it gets terribly boring if you don’t throw some adventure in!
Anonasaurus* July 22, 2017 at 5:51 pm I’m in my late 30’s and have moved 18 times as an adult (& 3 times as a kid). I’ll probably have to move again soon as my apt. is for sale. It’s really hard to find a dog-friendly apt. in my area. I hate it. I’ve discarded absolutely repurchased a ridiculous amount of things. I’ve considered buying but I’ll probably only be be in this tea another year or so.
edj3* July 22, 2017 at 6:39 pm 39 times, 12 before I left home at 18. No, my parents weren’t military. I say I’m in my forever home. I sure hope I’m in my forever home!
Effie, getting there* July 22, 2017 at 7:48 pm 8 moves, about 30. I like moving and I hate change. I know, it doesn’t sound like it makes sense. I just hate getting comfortable. I makes me feel stuck.
Thlayli* July 22, 2017 at 8:08 pm I always thought of my parents house as “home home” until I bought my own (hopefully forever) house. I moved loads when I was renting -often returning home to the parents for a Month or a few for various reasons. Total moves was 22 as far as I can calculate. Home is where the heart is.
Thlayli* July 22, 2017 at 8:09 pm I was 31 when I moved into my own house (and I’ll be 66 when I finish paying the mortgage lol).
Elizabeth West* July 22, 2017 at 9:11 pm Hmm. I’ve moved several times without taking all my possessions with me–they were either at my parents’ or in storage. When I moved into my house in 2002, I got most of the stuff at my dad’s out; I told him that anything left can be ditched, so I don’t consider it mine anymore. 1. Moved to college. 2. Moved back. 3. Moved to Delaware. 4. Moved back. 5. Moved to California. 6. Moved back. 7. Moved in with a bf. 8. Moved out. 9. Moved into a house. For my next move, which I’m hoping will be back to California, I would like to get rid of half my stuff. As soon as this f*cking heatwave is over, I’m going to chuck what’s in the garage so I can move more stuff out there to chuck. This will be the third time I’ve done this. And as much as it hurts, I’m going to purge quite a few books. I have seven bookshelves full.
Ramona Flowers* July 22, 2017 at 10:26 pm 27 times. I have had a somewhat complicated life. If you’re a vagabond I have no idea what that makes me!
Sprechen Sie Talk?* July 23, 2017 at 3:31 am Im not sure I have a real good idea, but I can try.. I think we just finished move number 27. Sort of, there are still boxes piled in the dining room here and books in a box that need a bookshelf that I haven’t got right now. I’ve moved across North America (and i mean ACROSS) four times, internationally three, and well, now we are figuring out options based on what happens with Brexit. We sold everything before we moved overseas this last time and now I notice it sure seems like we have just replicated our old life again with things we have bought, although there is still a storage shed in the US with the old stuff too. Starting to feel like I would like to be settled somewhere, though, which is going to be a factor in what we do next.
Mela* July 23, 2017 at 3:36 am I’m 28 and my 19th move is happening in August. 13 of those moves have happened in the past 10 years. 5 states, 5 countries, 4 continents. Every single one of those moves were by choice, I didn’t want to be settled at all. I used to love not being tied down by possessions, starting fresh and using the move as an excuse to get rid of anything that wasn’t incredibly important to me. I’m the same as you with books, I have a storage unit with beautiful things that I love but can’t bring along. But lately all I’ve wanted is to nest and be surrounded by my things. And I love traveling to visit and see all my loved ones, but the list of people is getting too long to be sustainable. I’m getting tired. Tired of moving sure, but also tired of having to rid myself of things, leaving people behind. Hope that makes you feel less vagabond-esque. Here’s hoping you get to stay put for a while.
Jess* July 23, 2017 at 8:14 am I’m in my 30s, and I’ve moved 29 times. I hated moving so much, and I used to feel very unsettled and desperate for a permanent home. I finally started to feel settled after I bought a tiny, tiny flat in the city, and got a cat.
OldMom* July 23, 2017 at 8:19 am 2 places in childhood, 18 places in the 14 years of college/post college in the same town, 9 places in the 25ish years since, about to move into my “forever” home so possibly never again! So about 30 places in about 60 years. Not counting changing rooms in the same dorm or house which would add about 8. If you’re American…which I mention because it’s a big country and culturally we tend to be movers…12 seems in the normal range to me and not at all “vagabond.” (Not that there’s anything wrong with that….RVers and snowbirds move often.) As for books…yes they are heavy and bulky but they fit in boxes so well and are so easy to pack and stack. You can thin them out but if you have enough boxes, a big enough truck, and muscular assistance, they are not that bad. I downsided considerably before the last move but kept most of the books. By the “will I ever want to look at this again” standard, or the “does this bring you joy” standard, most of them made the cut.
Canadian Natasha* July 23, 2017 at 10:56 am Do you count house moves or just moves to different cities? Provinces: 2 Cities: 5 Houses: Lost count… My family describes ourselves as being semi-nomadic. ;)
Rikki Tikki Tarantula* July 22, 2017 at 3:35 pm A question for the ladies of a certain age. I’m about to turn 49 and I think I’m going through menopause – little hard to tell because I had a hysterectomy (uterus only) some years ago and can’t use lack of periods as a gauge. Are mood swings common? I’ll be fine, and then something minor will hit, and I’ll start feeling really down. I can’t tell if it’s a menopause thing or just all the events of a bumpy spring and summer accumulating and sending my Emotion Meter out of whack. I wouldn’t mind so much if the mood could just be consistent for a while.
Lizabeth* July 22, 2017 at 4:31 pm YES! Mood swings are definite one of the symptoms of periomenpause (the time before the menopause). Your GYN should do blood tests to see where the hormone levels are and will be able to recommend something to keep you on an even keel if necessary. Me: 59, in menopause, still dealing with hot flashes (triggers: alcohol and caffeine UGH! Tho beer is less than red wine and white wine is less than red) Most of mine occur at night which leaves one feeling rather postal in the morning. My doc was reluctant to prescribe hormone replacement and I didn’t want to take them either. I did read somewhere that a low dose of antidepressants extended release helps hot flashes. I take 75mg at night and unless I over indulged in coffee or wine I’m good.
Mimmy* July 23, 2017 at 9:36 am So they CAN do blood tests? I asked my GYN about blood tests and she said no–I don’t recall her exact reasons, but it didn’t feel right. This coming from a doctor in a major teaching hospital system :/
JaneB* July 22, 2017 at 4:46 pm Been going into perimenopause for about 18 months now. My GP said I was just to expect to be more easily irritated or upset sometimes, and to “warn my family” – definitely more emotionally up and down than I was before (and I watch/track my moods as I have General Anxiety Disorder/Moderate Depression, and it’s currently fairly stable on low doses of medication but if things start to slide I can really help myself a lot if I notice it early, so I have actual data to compare with!), and a good friend of mine around the same age agrees she has the same problem. So far flax and linseed seeds on her breakfast cereal are helping my friend, whilst I’ve found taking extra magnesium and B vitamins has made a difference for me (also with the hot flushes, which are occasional but annoying – happy male GP said not to worry, they’ll get worse soon, honestly I could thump him sometimes, but he IS a good doctor overall).
Engineer Girl* July 22, 2017 at 4:46 pm Oh yeah mood swings are normal. And hot flashes. My favorite outfit was a sleeveless dress with a jacket. Also restless sleep patterns (which contributed to the low tolerance for annoying things.) It took a few years to finish it up. Bleh. Talk to your doctor.
Really* July 22, 2017 at 5:50 pm When I was premenopausal I felt a lot like I did during puberty. You’re getting the hormonal changes in reverse.
Ron McDon* July 22, 2017 at 7:29 pm That’s a really good way to explain it! I hadn’t thought of it like that before, but it makes perfect sense. Thank you, I shall use these words to describe it when my time comes!
chickabiddy* July 22, 2017 at 11:19 pm Yes, mood swings, irregular cycles, breakouts. Puberty all over again. And it is so unfair to have both zits *and* wrinkles!
Rikki Tikki Tarantula* July 23, 2017 at 10:47 am LOL, I should do what I did during puberty: barricade myself in my room while listening to The Wall on endless repeat and whining that “No one understaaaaaaands me.”
nep* July 22, 2017 at 10:15 pm I like this piece I read a while back — about the pause. https://granta.com/pause/
DArcy* July 22, 2017 at 4:02 pm One of the interesting recent scientific discoveries about domestic dogs is that one of the things that distinguishes them from wolves is they have genetic mutations very similar to those responsible for Williams Syndrome.
AlaskaKT* July 22, 2017 at 4:49 pm I had to Google Williams Syndrom. I find it especially interesting that: Those affected often have an outgoing personality and interact readily with strangers. Sounds like all dogs (unless they have been treated badly anyway).
Lizabeth* July 22, 2017 at 4:15 pm FU to ringing in the ears: saw ENT Friday, hearing checked (no loss, yea!) and basically had the “we don’t know what causes it, how to fix it, or have any meds that would help” talk. It can happen at any time to anyone at any age (and no, I didn’t try to repeat that 10 times fast…) Basically communications between the nerves of the ear and brain aren’t in sync. Although I forgot to ask that if I do go deaf, would I still hear the ringing? But have been told to come back in if the sound changes or if the vertigo (which was diagnosed 3 years ago) occurs for long periods. The only time it really, really bothers me is trying to read in silence. That sucks…
Engineer Girl* July 22, 2017 at 4:50 pm I found that having wisdom teeth removed helps some. The real issue is that the ringing drowns out all the other noises. It’s not deafness as much as noise obscuration.
Dead Quote Olympics* July 22, 2017 at 7:51 pm I recently started getting many more episodes of tinnitus (my sister has it too) and if reading in silence is what is getting to you, try a white noise app or site. For me the difficulty is reading in bed and then falling asleep, and “Amazon rain forest” and “waves crashing” override the buzzing. For me, irregular nature sounds are better than regular fan noises or the like, but ymmv.
AlaskaKT* July 22, 2017 at 4:52 pm I don’t suffer from ringing in the ears, but I ran in to a video showing this technique a while back and found it interesting. Everyone who tried it in the video had relief within 15-20 mins. Might be worth a shot: https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/finger-drumming-technique.5730/
AlaskaKT* July 22, 2017 at 5:26 pm Looks like me link didn’t make it through moderation, but try googling finger drumming for ear ringing (or finger skull thing for ear ringing, which is what I actually googled. Terrible, I know). I watched an interesting video on people using this technique and hearing silence for the first time in years. Might be worth a shot.
WG* July 22, 2017 at 5:52 pm For the vertigo, there are types where physical therapy can resolve the issues. I suffered from vertigo for over a dozen years before finding out that PT could help. One visit resolved the symptoms for me. Might be worth researching if those symptoms are problematic.
Lizabeth* July 22, 2017 at 6:22 pm So far what works for me is a variation on what the ENT doc did three years ago (without the $50 copay every time). Laying head down at roughly 45° angle with my head turned to one side – found that the stairs work very well for this to nudge whatever is floating around away from the nerve ends. It only pops up once in a while and not nearly as bad as it was the first time (in bed for two days).
GirlwithaPearl* July 22, 2017 at 7:23 pm Can you share more about the kinds of movements or exercises the PT recommended for vertigo? Thanks
WG* July 23, 2017 at 7:38 am There can be different types of vertigo depending on which portion of the ear canal is impacted. I believe the exercises/movements recommended depend on where in the ear the issue is.
Chaordic One* July 22, 2017 at 10:31 pm I’ve heard of people who have found relief by using accupuncture. Before scheduling an appointment, I think I might try googling “accupressure for ringing ears” (or something like that) and see if you can find some articles on things you can do yourself. There are some videos on youtube that show you where to apply gentle pressure with your fingers at certain points and even one where people used clothes pins attached to their ears and supposedly it provided some relief. It might be worth giving it a try.
Never Nicky* July 23, 2017 at 6:02 pm Glad there’s nothing physical behind the tinnitus. This still could clear up spontaneously as the brain habituates so although there is no drug to take, some techniques can help – relaxation, mindfulness, using sound. Nothing is an instant fix however. If you do search for help online, avoid anything that mentions cures or miracles. The British Tinnitus Association has some excellent info and there are corresponding non profits in the US and Australia. People with profound hearing loss can still hear tinnitus as it is generated by the brain and not via the ears. If you have hearing loss getting it corrected will help tinnitus. Disclaimer: I’m not medically qualified but in real life I work in this field and am published on this topic
Jessen* July 22, 2017 at 4:20 pm Does anyone have any ideas on convincing a fussy feline to eat faster? I’d like to transition my free feeder to meals, but she just kind of picks them over and then leaves it. Feeding more often isn’t really an option (2x a day it is), and I’m worried because we’ve had low weight issues with her before.
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 6:51 pm What’s the goal here–is something else eating her food when she leaves it so you want to close up the cupboard? There are timed feeders and chip-responsive feeders that might help with that.
Jessen* July 23, 2017 at 8:05 pm The goal here is to get her to eat wet food (which can’t be left out) rather than dry. If I free feed dry food that’s all she’ll eat and it’s not as good for her.
Liz* July 22, 2017 at 9:59 pm If you only have the 1 cat (or pet), I’d say let her stay a free-feeder. We always free-fed ours till we ended up with a rescue who had food anxiety and eats *everything* in one sitting, every time. It’s a pain doing 2x feedings (and then having to get catsitters if we’re away more than 24 hours), and they are so loud when it’s mealtime…
Jessen* July 23, 2017 at 8:07 pm Honestly the goal is to move her to (healthier) wet food rather than exclusively dry. You can’t free feed wet, but if I free feed dry she’ll barely nibble the wet.
Archie Goodwin* July 23, 2017 at 4:19 am Do not treat your cat like a dog. Most cats eat throughout the day and night. If she has low weight issues it’s because she’s not getting enough food. Why is it an issue to have food available to her around the clock?
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 10:33 am Most of our cats have been free feeders but our last one apparently had a difficult kittenhood or something (we got her from the pound as a young adult cat) and she would gorge on the food if it was left out. My daughter’s cat, did the same thing. WE each got electric feeders and that worked great. The cats got fed regularly, we could leave for a weekend (any longer is risky in case the feeder malfunctioned; ours always worked perfectly so we didn’t worry for a couple of days) and we knew they were getting correct servings. If the cat is underweight I’d leave the food out all the time and probably supplement with small servings of wet food she would eat a couple of times a day.
Jessen* July 23, 2017 at 8:08 pm That would be the ideal, but realistically if I free feed dry she will barely touch any wet food, and it’s not healthy for her to be exclusively on dry.
Jessen* July 23, 2017 at 8:06 pm The trouble is you can only free feed dry food. She should probably have wet because it’s better for her health, but if I free feed dry she’ll just barely nibble the wet. And you obviously can’t free feed wet.
MechanicalPencil* July 23, 2017 at 10:49 am I don’t really have any easy suggestions, but I do know that when the weather is warmer, my dogs are less prone to eat their normal food amounts as quickly or immediately. Truth be told, I find that I also eat less, so I don’t blame them. If you’re not wanting to leave the food out all day, put the food down at a scheduled time twice a day. Leave it out for a decent amount of time and make sure she knows it’s there. Then after the time limit (fairly lengthy then tighten it up) pick the bowl up regardless of if she has or hasn’t eaten. It sounds horrible and callous, but if she’s always been a free range eater it’s the only method I’ve found that works.
Dzhymm, BfD* July 23, 2017 at 12:39 pm I don’t think there’s much you can do about this. Some cats are “grazers” (eat a few mouthfuls, go away, come back to it later), while others are gluttons (eat everything all at once). We have two brothers that are like this; one a grazer, the other a glutton. We’ll sometimes feed them in separate rooms so the glutton doesn’t go over and finish the grazer’s food…
Jessen* July 23, 2017 at 8:09 pm The worry is that I want her to eat more wet food for her health. But you can’t let her just graze on wet food, and I’m not around to keep feeding it to her 4 or 5 times a day. But if dry food is available she doesn’t want wet.
Andrea* July 24, 2017 at 11:46 am Jessen, if your feline has a microchip, use one of the pet feeders where the lid only opens when the animal is near it. That way, the wet food will stay fresh much longer. This is one that my friend uses: https://www.catfooddispensersreviews.com/surefeed-microchip-pet-feeder-review/
Effie, getting there* July 22, 2017 at 4:22 pm You guys I am doing so much better. While I’m not fine, I’ve reached OK. I’ve been listening to songs to get me motivated/pump me up throughout the day. There’s a song that was recommended in an open thread I think on this website? If anyone can remember it please let me know :) It’s by an Asian female singer although the lyrics start in English (the whole song may be in English? not sure). It starts along these lines (can’t remember the exact lyrics either…): “I’m the very best, the prettiest girl in the world”. I haven’t been able to find it and it’s driving me crazy! Feel free to chime in with any motivational song recs! Here are some of mine (all available on YouTube and probably Spotify): (To feel epic) – “Eye of the Tiger” (M voice) – “Clubbed to Death” from The Matrix soundtrack (no vocals) – “I’ll Make a Man Out Of You” from Mulan (M voice) (ooh and Jackie Chan does a version in Mandarin that is arguably more epic) (To feel awesome about yourself) – “Primadonna Girl” Marina and the Diamonds (F voice) – “Pretty Girl” Maggie Lindemann, Cheat Codes x Cade remix (F voice) – “Most Girls” Hailee Steinfeld (F voice) – “Part of Me” Katy Perry (F voice) – “Sexy and I Know It” Glee cover ft Ricky Martin (M voices) (To feel happy) – “Friday” Glee cover (M voices) – “Glitter Stained Dress” Amy & Ellen (F voices) – “You’re Welcome” from Moana – all official versions (M voices)
bassclefchick* July 22, 2017 at 4:42 pm Raise Your Glass, Try, and You Are Perfect (that’s the “clean” title. Fans will know the “not clean” title) by P!nk Strangely enough, 80’s power ballads make me happy. Weird, I know. But most of them have fond memories attached to them for me. Anything by Josh Groban or Andrea Bocelli. Those two could sing the phone book and I’d be happy. One week and If I had $1,000,000 by Barenaked Ladies. Those songs make me laugh every single time.
JaneB* July 22, 2017 at 4:52 pm Kasey Musgraves has some positive songs that feel pretty realistic and encouraging to me – I like “Follow your arrow” for when work people are being idiots (I actually have a play list for when People Are Being Idiots All Around Me on my work PC… it has a more neutral name!). “Whoop and Hollar”, Ray Wylie Hubbard version “Older Ladies” by Donnalou Stevens – my kind of girl power (and the video always makes me smile even when I’m very grey)
someone101* July 22, 2017 at 4:48 pm A song I find very powerful and therapeutic is adiemus by Enya. Not to everyones taste but i like it. And I see you like Disney a great song is He lives in you from the lion king.
Turtlewings* July 22, 2017 at 5:18 pm “Circus” by Britney Spears. ALL EYES ON ME AT THE CENTER OF THE RING JUST LIKE A CIRCUS/WHEN I CRACK THAT WHIP EVERYBODY GONNA TRIP JUST LIKE A CIRCUS
Loopy* July 22, 2017 at 5:23 pm Ooo I made a, Enjoy Life playlist on Spotify! A few “feel good” songs: Be Okay- Oh Honey High- Young Rising Sons Misfit- High Dive Heart (one of my current favs) Champion- Fall Out Boy All that Matters (The Beautiful Life)- Kesha And my favorite EPIC songs Victory- Two Steps from Hell Millenia- Hi-Finesse Also, this is a great “you can’t hurt me” type song, though the style/genre may not be to everyone’s liking: You Can Kill Us- Icon for Hire Very excited for a song rec thread!
Purple snowdrop* July 22, 2017 at 6:10 pm Clubbed To Death is epic. Songs from my independence tea list: Protege moi by placebo, or protect me from what I want if you prefer the English version :) Wise up sucker by pop will eat itself No you don’t by nine inch nails Many songs by PJ Harvey Glad you’re doing ok :) xx
Jules the First* July 22, 2017 at 6:14 pm Gretchen Rubin put together a “happiness 911” playlist on spotify full of suggestions from listeners of music they turn to when they need a boost – there’s some really awesome stuff there.
The Other Dawn* July 22, 2017 at 7:33 pm If we’re talking strictly about getting the blood flowing, I’d say Bleed it Out and Given Up by Linkin Park. I love the fast pace. It makes me excited to get my workout started, and that’s no easy feat! I also like Lift Me Up by Rob Halford and Five Finger Death Punch. For just a motivation, pump-me-up song, I like Kick Ass by Egypt Central. Eye of the Tiger is a good one, too.
Chaordic One* July 22, 2017 at 10:47 pm I found the album, “The Living Return” by Swing Out Sister (F voice) to be chill, but also surprisingly uplifting and inspiring. You can find the whole album on YouTube.
Chocolate Teapot* July 23, 2017 at 12:36 pm Gotta Work by Amerie (which I thought was Beyonce the first time I heard it)
Teach* July 23, 2017 at 11:11 pm I love me some cheesy and empowering pop tunes: In the Middle (Jimmy Eat World) Who Runs the World – Girls (Beyonce) I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor) Hit Me With Your Best Shot (Pat Benatar) Who Says (Selena Gomez) Born This Way (Lady Gaga) Brave (Sara Bareilles) Raise You Up/Just Be (Kinky Boots soundtrack)
Tau* July 22, 2017 at 4:28 pm Further questions for the new flat: So it has a ton (and I mean a TON) of floor-length windows, on the ground floor. In a common area. In order to have any privacy at all, I need something to block out curious passersby. At the same time, I like natural light. I’m thinking: – thin white curtains which are always, always shut – additional heavy curtains which keep the light out entirely which I can shut at night (in order to avoid giving the whole neighbourhood a shadow play.) The tricky bit: I’ve well and truly fallen in love with panel curtains, which are flat panels of cloth instead of hanging in folds. However, it doesn’t look like these would satisfy my “no light shall escape!!!” requirements for thick curtains. I’m now considering a combination where the thin white curtains are panel curtains but the thick ones are “standard” curtains (scarves? nomenclature is difficult). Is this doable? Has anyone done it? Would you use several rods, a rail, or what? And in case anyone is wondering why I need to install not just my own curtains but my own rods/rails in a rental aparment… Germany has a unique and special interpretation of the word “unfurnished”.
blackcat* July 22, 2017 at 5:13 pm “– thin white curtains which are always, always shut – additional heavy curtains which keep the light out entirely which I can shut at night (in order to avoid giving the whole neighbourhood a shadow play.)” This is what I have in my house, except I’d describe my thin white curtains as basically shear. You can’t see in from the street, but 90% of the light comes through. Then there are heavier curtains that can be closed, too. I have two sets of rods. They are both |____________| shaped (poke out from the wall), and one pokes out further than the other. The inner one is pretty close to the wall (within 1in, so ~2cm) and then the other one is further out by about another inch or so (so maybe 5cm total away from the wall).
blackcat* July 22, 2017 at 5:15 pm My attempt at internet drawing–the two sets of rods/rails look like this. Both are screwed into the wall. | |_____shear______| | |______solid_______|
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 5:13 pm Sounds like you’re talking a variant on the common hotel arrangement of an inner sheer and an outer thicker curtain. A friend of mine has this in her ground floor bedroom as well; her inner sheer has a nice pattern on it for added beauty. The easiest way to do this is with two rods; you can get a complete double rod set, or you can just get double-rod holders and put regular rods in them (my friend got them at Ikea). You just need to make sure that the holders are properly attached to hold the weight; usually it’s not a big deal, but I would keep an eye on the curtain weight, window width, and wall integrity.
WellRed* July 22, 2017 at 5:16 pm I have white cellular blinds made of something…sort of fabricy. They let in tons of light and fit snug in the windows, block drafts and peeping eyes. If that’s a concern.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 9:08 pm You can find light blocking shades, they are a little spendy but they work very well. You can roll up the shade in the daylight and pull it down around dusk. The light blocking shades are so good, they helped my frightened dog in times of lightening storms. They blocked out the lightening flashes perfectly and a radio blocked the thunder. That dog went from inconsolable to sleeping in a very short time.
bluesboy* July 22, 2017 at 11:38 pm I can’t help you with the ‘how’ I’m afraid, but I think white panel curtains would be perfect for what you’re describing. A place I stay in fairly regularly has them and they let in loads of light while still doing wonders for your privacy.
nonegiven* July 23, 2017 at 12:38 am What about something like https://www.walmart.com/ip/Waterproof-PVC-Frosted-Window-Sticker-Glass-Film-Privacy-Home-Bedroom-Bathroom-17×40/253711275 with drapes hung over it?
Thlayli* July 23, 2017 at 12:45 am Are net curtains not a thing where you live? http://www.rayfields.co.uk/blog/how-to-fit-net-curtains/#.WXQpcIXhTYU https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3fyXDEFvorM
Dead Quote Olympics* July 23, 2017 at 10:22 am I don’t know if you can get them where you are, but I have exactly the same desires and I recommend “top down bottom up” shades if you can afford them. The shades can roll down from the top and/or up from the bottom. Most of the time I leave the top 2/3 of the window uncovered, but block enough of the bottom so that no one can look directly in. Depending on whether you are overlooked from above, you can also adjust them to block the middle third of the window while letting light in both at the top and bottom, etc. Then for the bedroom I have that setup but with blackout shades so that at night there is no light coming in.
TootsNYC* July 23, 2017 at 2:57 pm I also was going to suggest something that will block only one part of the window. Like shades that pull up from the bottom. I didn’t realize there are “top down bottom up” shades–those would be perfect. Pricey, probably. In the U.S., you could google that phrase and find many examples. But you could use tension rods to install sheers or thinnish fabric that covers the middle section, or the bottom section. And then put regular shades or curtains to deal with the rest.
Belle di Vedremo* July 23, 2017 at 3:06 pm Can you find “window film” there? It’s a translucent but not transparent film that sticks to you (very clean) window with static cling. I’ve used it on the bottom windows in apts with too-near neighbors. Peels right off when you’re done with it. You can find it plain or patterned. That would provide some of the desired privacy at head-height, without obstructing your light.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 4:47 pm Years ago my husband and I moved into an apartment in German Village in Columbus where the big windows in the old German townhouse were directly on the sidewalk so anyone could just walk by and look in. I liked the look of the exposed brick, the black woodwork and high beamed ceilings and didn’t want drapes, so I used tension rods and made slip on half curtains of natural burlap lined with muslin (did I mention we also had no money). One tension rod at eye height and one at the base of the window so the woodwork showed and the windows were open at the top above the heads of people walking by. It was nice looking and preserved the woodwork and the light. They also make blinds that will go down from the top instead of up from the bottom so you can have the bottom blocked without blocking the light.
Natalie* July 23, 2017 at 6:43 pm It might be a bit of a commitment, both in cost and installation time, but they do make one-way privacy film that lets light inside the room but from the outside cannot be seen through.
Candy* July 22, 2017 at 4:33 pm A little poll just out of curiosity: If you have a long haul flight with one stop in the middle, would you prefer to fly for 9 hours, layover, then fly for 5 hours or the reverse — have the shorter trip first and the longer flight after the layover? I prefer short–>layover–>long because after a long flight the last thing I want to do is get on another plane. But my husband prefers long–>layover–>short because the closer he gets to his destination the more anxious and excited he is to arrive so he’d rather a shorter flight at the end. What do you all prefer?
AlaskaKT* July 22, 2017 at 4:56 pm This is interesting because I don’t have a choice with my flights. I only ever travel between home and family, so I end up doing a 30 min flight straight to a 3 hour flight, into a 4 hour layover then another 45 minute flight. The trio back is exactly the same, for whatever reason the last plane to/from my destination only flies twice a day and NEVER lines up with any of my other flights. That 4 hour layover (with infant) is the worst part.
Candy* July 22, 2017 at 5:05 pm 4+ hour layovers are awful! Two hours are the best, because you can (usually) make your connection if your flight is late but don’t have to wait around too long if it arrives on time. I recently had a five hour layover in Heathrow Terminal 3, which (in May) was under construction and the wifi was only working intermittently. It was awful.
Jules the First* July 22, 2017 at 6:16 pm I offer sympathy….and a very memorable, (scheduled) 11-hour layover in O’Hare one year. I think I coughed up the cash to fly direct for a few years after that one. Please bear with us at Heathrow – we’re working as fast as we can!
JulieBulie* July 22, 2017 at 5:05 pm For me, it might depend more on the time of day when I’m going to change flights. I’d prefer to do that when the airport is less crowded, if possible (assuming the restaurants and whatnot aren’t closed).
Loopy* July 22, 2017 at 5:13 pm I actually don’t think I HAVE a preference. I’m sure I’ve done both. Or rather, other factors are far more important (length of layover, aisle seat versus window seat, time of day I’m flying).
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 5:15 pm I lean toward your way, but what airport we’re talking matters a lot too.
Paul* July 22, 2017 at 6:35 pm Oh, that’s a good point. I had to do a 4 or 5 hour layover in Lubbock one time. That was nothing short of horrible. Not enough time to deplane, get out and see anything in the city then get back through security, etc. But so. damn. long. in that tiny, boring airport.
As if* July 22, 2017 at 8:01 pm Truth. I had an 8 hour layover each way recently and I thought it would be the worst. But the Philadelphia airport turned out to have all kinds of amenities, including good, free wifi, and time passed quickly.
Kc89* July 22, 2017 at 5:26 pm I’ve never had a lay over but I think I would prefer long first to get it out of the way
JulieBulie* July 22, 2017 at 5:36 pm Thinking about it some more, if the airport’s going to be crowded no matter what time it is, I’d prefer to do the short leg first because I tend to fret about making my connecting flight. I’d rather fret for five hours than nine hours!
Marianne* July 22, 2017 at 5:44 pm The only long-haul flights I’ve been on are 9hr-layover-12hr, and then reverse that on the way back. I think by that point it all blurs together. The worst one was when I had a 8.5 hour layover – at least with long flights you’re still actually getting somewhere, but being stuck in an airport for that length of time (as nice an airport as it was) was truly torturous.
Parenthetically* July 22, 2017 at 5:52 pm Long->layover->short, all the time. For car trips too — my husband and I try to do 12 or 14 hours on the first day of driving out to see my folks so we only have a 4 or 5 hour day the next day.
HannahS* July 22, 2017 at 6:20 pm I loathe layovers, but would definitely prefer long-layover-short. I dislike flying so when bracing myself to get on another airplane, I like to be able to tell myself that at least the worst part it over, and that it’s not too long before I reach my destination.
Paul* July 22, 2017 at 6:33 pm I’m with your husband. The closer I get the more anxious I get. Of course I think the longest flight I’ve done was Houston to St Louis so it wasn’t anything like as long as y’all are talking about
Liz* July 22, 2017 at 10:01 pm I’d prefer short -> long, because then you can really settle in for the long flight (nap, read, watch movies) without fretting.
Chaordic One* July 22, 2017 at 10:59 pm I prefer the long->layover->short. I get tired on long flights and breaking it up that way, after the long flight, I know that the short one won’t be so bad. It just seems psychologically easier for me to manage.
Toph* July 22, 2017 at 11:42 pm For me I think your specific example wouldn’t make a difference to me. Once the flight goes over about 2ish hours I’d consider both legs “long”, so even though I’m sure in the moment I might feel one way on one flight and perhaps different on another, not enough to change my preference. If it were one super short leg (like an hour) plus a longer one (nine) I think I’d prefer the short at the end because it’s so short it doesn’t get rid of my “almost there” feeling. Whereas if that shortness were at the beginning, it’s a bit disheartening in a “did I really just go anywhere” kind of way, kind of like a stutter at the beginning of the trip. But I could also imagine a feeling of relief after a 9 hour flight in just being DONE so I probably wouldn’t be anti-short at the beginning. One downside to that though is if there were a delay either in the first short flight or the longer one once I got to the layover, I think I’d find that more frustrating because the long leg were still in front of me, and being delayed when very far away somehow feels worse than being delayed when close. But either way being stuck in the middle sucks.
Thlayli* July 23, 2017 at 12:55 am Depends on time of day. I would try to maximise possibility of getting some sleep on the journey. consider: 1 if the long one is night time at your starting destination you may find it easier to sleep on long flight and have more chance of a few hours decent sleep. 2 if the long one is at nighttime in the area it is arriving in /leaving from you have a good chance of “night running” ie having dim lights / not waking you up for dinner in the middle of it. You can probably google meal plans in the specific flights
Mela* July 23, 2017 at 2:44 am I guess if I had to pick a preference, I’d want long-short, so that the worst is over after the first leg. But honestly, that would be really low on my list of priorities. Airport–amenities/wifi/etc., the airline, time of day, ability to get out of the airport for a quick visit, lounge locations all would be a higher priority for me.
Pat Benetardis* July 23, 2017 at 11:42 am For me it matters in which leg I’m likely to be sleeping, as I don’t want to wake up in the middle of it. Ex: from east coast US to EU I can get 6 pm flight or 10 pm flight. If it was the 6 pm I’d prefer the shorter leg first but if it’s the 10 pm flight I’d prefer the longer leg.
Mephyle* July 23, 2017 at 3:04 pm I think I share your preference (slightly) but for your husband’s reason! If I am getting anxious and excited to arrive, it’s more calming to be on a long flight in the latter part of the trip than to be uncomfortable in an airport (lugging luggage or worried whether the bag is getting transferred) and perhaps even concerned about catching the second flight in time.
silvertech* July 22, 2017 at 4:41 pm This is for a friend of mine: he’s planning to travel the route 66 in November by motorcycle, from Chicago to LA. Do you have any tips? He’s especially interested in information about: – where to sleep – insurance for his motorcycle (not a US one) – health insurance for him, as a tourist Thanks!
Engineer Girl* July 22, 2017 at 4:56 pm November weather is really unstable, especially in the northern parts of the route. The weather can go from hot to stormy to snow. Where to sleep depends on how much your friend intends to travel each day. How much time is spent sight seeing, etc?
blackcat* July 22, 2017 at 5:20 pm Yeah, I would not plan on a motor cycle trip near Chicago in November. Odds are good it won’t snow, but there could be a significant snow or ice storm that would make it totally impossible to ride the bike. LA is lovely in November, though. For sleeping, I’d bring a 1 person tent and sleeping bag and do a combination of motels/campgrounds. He should be able to map out options before departure.
Hellanon* July 23, 2017 at 9:50 pm It can be cold up in Northern Arizona at that time of year as well!
silvertech* July 23, 2017 at 4:32 am He will be mainly traveling, he will not do much sight seeing. A lot of you have correctly pointed out the weather problems, he is aware of that, since it’s not the first time he travels in similar conditions :) Thanks to everybody who’s replying!
Parenthetically* July 22, 2017 at 5:59 pm When in November? Early Nov: probably fine, although still could get hammered by an ice or snowstorm at any time across the midwest. For motorcycle insurance, have him look up temporary tourist vehicle insurance. There are LOTS of options. Travel insurance covers all sorts of things from medical care to lost or stolen luggage and would be a must for a trip like this. Couchsurfing is free, lots of motels are cheap, campsites in state parks are DIRT cheap and usually lovely, but may be closed depending on the region. I would start with Couchsurfing!
silvertech* July 23, 2017 at 4:50 am He will be traveling for a month, starting from Chicago and ending in LA at the end of November. Is there any app for mobile phones that sends weather related alerts? I’m guessing there is one, as I’ve always gotten the impression that the USA are very efficient when it comes to alert people to such dangers.
Paul* July 22, 2017 at 6:29 pm I….a motorcycle in November on R66? I’m familiar with the western part of it (hell, my city’s on it) and that sounds really risky. Is he planning on doing a straight shot through, or is he going to stop and sight see? That kind of changes where I’d advise stopping
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 6:40 pm If he hasn’t, he should watch _Billy Connolly’s Route 66_. Billy does the route on a…cross between a motorcycle and a behemoth? I’m sure there’s a more technical term.
silvertech* July 23, 2017 at 4:33 am Most of the trip will be spent driving, so not much sightseeing.
Thlayli* July 23, 2017 at 1:01 am If he has private health insurance in his home country he should contact them directly about travel insurance as it will be cheapest as an add-on to an existing health policy. If he doesn’t have private health insurance then he could start by looking into travel insurance plans including health cover abroad offered by insurers in his own country. It would be much easier to deal with claims and so on plus I suspect it would me much easier and cheaper to purchase. However many policies exclude dangerous activities like motorcycling so make sure he checks that. He could also ask his current motorcycle insurance provider As they may have an overseas cover option that includes health/travel insurance.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 10:39 am He absolutely needs good health insurance/travel insurance including medical evacuation back home in case he needs it. Riding a bike on the highway at that time of year is risky and the chances of a catastrophic accident on a motorcycle is much higher than a car. The cost of medical care in the US is outrageous. He should also make sure that he is covered while riding a motorcycle (things like skydiving and flying in small private planes are usually excluded so it is not impossible that motorcycling would be) Most European countries have cheaper travels insurance than the US does, but he does need to have that nailed down.
Loopy* July 22, 2017 at 5:11 pm WHY DID I GOOGLE “INSERT MEDICAL SYMPTOM HERE”?!?! Sorry. Currently mad at myself for convincing myself (with the help of Google) I had scabies (more likely a small patch of eczema). Now I’m obsessing about some irritating bumps/irritation around my nostrils which even the internet seems miffed about. My nose has been red for a few days and I just assumed it was sunburn, but I don’t know how that would cause the sensation of bumps around nostrils. I know I should just see a doctor if I’m concerned and the internet is evil, but I’m just frustrated at myself/having to go to a doctor for minor things. I like only wasting my time/money if I really feel its worth it (which is silly I know). Is anyone else weird about seeing a doctor for what they perceive as minor things? So much money and time!
Parenthetically* July 22, 2017 at 6:11 pm I JUST had this conversation with my husband. Doctor Google is the WORST — I was convinced I had HELLP syndrome and was going to die; I actually just massively overdid it this week and can manage everything with tylenol, warm baths, a heating pad, and rest. But I hate calling the doctor for something “small”!
Loopy* July 22, 2017 at 8:35 pm I wish my internet had some setting that could tell when I was consulting Doctor Google and save me from myself! Like those parental blocks. But for uh, overly anxious me.
Undine* July 22, 2017 at 6:50 pm Does your insurance have a nurse line you can call? Many do. Basically, they’re glad if people call because on the average it’s cheaper than visiting the doctor.
Parenthetically* July 22, 2017 at 7:23 pm This is an extremely good tip. Some Dr’s offices have a similar setup where a PA or NP will answer questions and give advice.
Loopy* July 22, 2017 at 8:34 pm Oh man, I need to look into this! It would be perfect. Unfortunately I have reaaaaaaally terrible insurance so… I’m not getting my hopes up.
Yetanother Jennifer* July 22, 2017 at 10:19 pm If you are part of a large clinic, especially one that has pediatrics, then they may have what is called a triage nurse. Although with something like a rash or bumps on the nose they’re going to recommend you come in. I also highly recommend getting a book on basic health stuff. My insurance company gave me one ages ago. Mayo probably publishes one. The idea is that you declare the book to be the one true source of minor medical issues and only consult the book. That limits your scope and the book usually has home remedies and a baseline for when to see a doctor.
Clever Name* July 22, 2017 at 8:52 pm My nearly ex-husband recently told me he thinks he has lupus based on a symptom search on the web. I’m fairly certain he does not have lupus.
nonegiven* July 23, 2017 at 12:53 am It’s never lupus. Except that one time. My doctor says she hates the internet. I think it’s because people google stuff and freak out. Then she gets someone like me that backs my stuff up with science. I’ve gotten my insurance to cover stuff she couldn’t get her insurance to cover.
SandrineSmiles (France)* July 22, 2017 at 5:25 pm Trigger Warning – Any Linkin Park fans here ? I’m still in shock. I was at Dad’s on Thursday evening. I open up Facebook. A friend had posted the link. I cried for hours. The morning after, I was shaking while listening to Linkin Park songs. Fans are mourning, and then you have the people who : – will say Chester Bennington was a coward – wonder why we’re talking about him and not about “regular people” – don’t care but care enough to mention they don’t care … I don’t get people. Obviously a celebrity dying will touch more people simply because of math: if you know 10 people and I know 10 million, there will be a difference. And then there’s the fact that the music has accompanied so many people over the years, myself included. I’ve told my friends anyone coming up to me to tell me Chester was a coward will be tossed out the window (well, not literally of course) immediately. Also, me mourning Chester doesn’t mean I don’t care about my friends. I care about many kinds of people in different ways. But, more important than that: I will keep doing whatever it is that I can (so far, I have a small Youtube channel where it’s all about supporting people who might not have the strength I do have) to help people. To support them. To show them they’re not alone. And if I can only help one person, it’ll have been worth it all the way. I still have to gather resources to make a proper tribute video, because he really was someone I looked up to, but I don’t want to make a video just for the sake of crying about him. I want to show others that I’ll do everything I can to hold their hand if need be. I thought I wouldn’t be around anymore when I was 16. I’ll be 34 next week. Linkin Park helped me so much. Heck, I tried to mimic In The End for so long to help my English pronunciation better, even. Rest in Peace, Chester Bennington. Yes, I’ll help you leave behind some reasons to be missed, and I won’t resent you for what you did. I will also remember, always.
Mimmy* July 22, 2017 at 5:45 pm This is very beautifully written. I’m not a Linkin Park fan, but I do like some of their more well-known songs, The Habit probably being my favorite. I get it, I truly do. If my favorite singer (god forbid) ever passed away, I would probably experience the same emotions you are feeling now with Chester’s passing. I believe the impact that singers and musicians have on people’s lives is particularly strong because of how music speaks to us in ways that movies and TV shows don’t always equal. Plus, it’s one thing to see a movie at the theater or watch a TV show, but nothing comes close to seeing your favorite singer or band live, in person. Did you ever get to see Linkin Park in concert? Sending you comfort and peace.
SandrineSmiles (France)* July 22, 2017 at 6:30 pm I didn’t. There was one nearby on June 11th that one of my friends got to see, she just didn’t have her camera that day. When I broke the news to her I think her brain WindowsBlueScreened for a moment, but at least she got to see them live. I was supposed to go see that concert, but I hadn’t started my new job yet, so I missed it :(
Purple snowdrop* July 22, 2017 at 6:15 pm God I only just started listening to Linkin Park and I’m so sad. My head immediately went to Chris Cornell and when I heard they were friends, well. I hope it wasn’t the whole suicide-contagion thing where reporting in a certain way increases the risk of other people also committing suicide but…. Numb has been my theme song recently. So sad listening to it now.
SandrineSmiles (France)* July 22, 2017 at 6:32 pm Yup, Chester did it on what would have been Chris’ 50th birthday I think. On my small playlist I have : Given up, Somewhere I belong, Castle of glass, Numb, Leave out all the rest, What I’ve done, Hands Held High, and In the End. There’s the one they sang on Jimmy Kimmel that I also have to get my hands on.
Purple snowdrop* July 22, 2017 at 7:17 pm Oh my god that’s so horribly sad. The two of them must each have been in so much pain.
Carrie Lynn* July 22, 2017 at 8:31 pm The one on Kimmel was One More Light. Amazing, and a surefire tear jerker.
SandrineSmiles (France)* July 23, 2017 at 6:19 am Yup, Carrie, yup. Am on Spotify listening to everything right now, even.
The Other Dawn* July 22, 2017 at 6:57 pm It’s really disgusting to see all the comments on Facebook. So many people calling him a coward, they’re glad they don’t have to listen to him anymore, he should have done it sooner, etc. No one can ever really know what someone goes through when they have depression. I really enjoy Linkin Park. I use some of their songs when I work out, like Bleed it Out and Given Up. They’re great for getting me to want to really move. I’ll miss his voice. No one screams like Chester.
Loopy* July 22, 2017 at 8:38 pm Linkin Park was a lifeline for me during my adolescence. I had a very very rough time and I would listen to them obsessively when things were bad. I was very saddened by the news and very very affected. I totally understand your reaction. I hadn’t been really into their last few albums but they always had a huge place in my heart for all the dark times their music got me through. And I really mean that in a major way- this band played a major role in my life in a very significant way. So I was heartbroken. I took a lot of comfort in the outpouring of love from fans and how many comments I read saying how much LP meant to them. Their music serious affected (in a good way) so so so many people like me who needed it during their worst times. I think you have a lot of company right now who are also truly mourning his passing, myself included.
glor* July 23, 2017 at 5:20 am I really feel this comment. LP basically has helped save my life multiple times. I’m kind of not really okay about it.
Sylvia* July 22, 2017 at 8:54 pm This is so sad. I’ve been avoiding discussions of it as much as possible, but I’m reading through this thread because AAM folks are good folks. He’ll be missed. I remember hearing “Heavy” a few months ago and how much I related.
LCL* July 22, 2017 at 8:58 pm I never liked their music and I was still sad when I heard the news. I always grieve when I read about a suicide. So I read the news accounts of his life and got sadder. Poor guy had a tough time. Your plan for a tribute is really touching. I kind of understand what you are going through; I was wrecked when Keith Moon died because The Who was the band that kept me from ending it all.
Lady Bug* July 22, 2017 at 10:52 pm I was very sad for Chester, he must have been in so much pain. I was devastated by Chris’ death, but my kids have been devastated by Chester. Linkin Park was an important band to then growing up.
anon24* July 23, 2017 at 8:38 am I’m not one to follow celebrities and so when one dies it’s usually just a sadness that another human being has died but it doesn’t effect me. This one has hit me really hard. I love linkin park. They influenced so many people and so many other bands. It breaks my heart that Chester saved so many people with his music but he wasn’t able to save himself. It’s messed up that he had to suffer so much to make the music to touch people so deeply, but what made him great also destroyed him. It’s heartbreaking.
Savannah* July 22, 2017 at 5:52 pm So looks like my partner and I really are moving to Portland Oregon for his new promotion. We get married in Sept and its looking more and more likely that he’ll move out there in October and I’ll follow in February from NYC. I don’t have a ton of interest in moving to the west coast (away from my family and less than thrilled about the larger cultural shift) but I’m also concerned with quitting my job and how having a sole provider will be on our brand new marriage and in place relationship. We just opened up a joint credit card so I don’t have to ask for an allowance like a child but I make good money now and enjoy treating myself to clothes, self care and solo travel trips. We are having lots of good discssions about it all and have started to research areas we want to live and apartments. So far the plethora of slopped ceiling master bedrooms we’ve found does not look promising but I’m hopeful we can find something good. I think my mind is warped from spending a decade in NYC rentersville so its a whole new world without key charges and sub-sub leases.
Kj* July 22, 2017 at 9:18 pm I get not wanting to give up your job/life, but I assume you and husband have a good reason for it. I hope this doesn’t sound mean, but your post does make me a bit worried- I’ve had other folks I know do a similar transition. One thing that is fatal to their happiness is comparing the east coast/west coast constantly. West coast is different. I happen to be from the south and love it here and I get annoyed with some of the east coast transplants I have encountered who constantly comment on the differences in ways that make it clear we are ‘doing it wrong.’ My first piece of advice would be to be careful about assuming what you are used to is the norm everywhere or the “right” way to do stuff. It is a common problem with moves and it is a recipe for you being unhappy and if you stay stuff out loud, you will be considered super-negative. People tend to be friendly on the west coast, but I know someone who alienated everyone she met with her comments about how she thought the west coast was wrong. I’m sure you wouldn’t do that, but attitude is noticeable. That said, I live in the Pacific Northwest and I can share some common things you may notice. 1. In general, people dress more casually, even at work. Few jobs require suits and outdoors-wear is the most common ‘uniform.’ Think REI, all the time. 2. Hiking/outdoorsy stuff is big. Most people like to be outside and will be outside even in the rain. A good rain jacket and pants is a good investment. 3 . Portland has a great craft beer scene. Do you like beer? If so, it is fun to go to breweries. If wine is more your style, Oregon and Washington both have vineyards that are excellent as well. Cider is up and coming as well. 4. If you enjoy reading, Portland has an amazing bookstore, Powell’s. It is a great place to visit and very relaxing. 5. I’m not sure what culture you will miss when you say you will miss ‘culture’, but if you are referring to food/arts/theater, you might be surprised. Portland’s art museum is excellent (small, but comprehensive) and the food is pretty amazing. There is not a nightlife, but if you like music, Seattle has a decent scene and is 2 hours by train. Theater is mostly local, but tends to be good. 6. There are some excellent day/weekend trips in the area. Astoria is fun, so is Eugene. Train to Seattle is fun as well. You can make to to the Olympic National Forest pretty easily as well. You can also get to Victoria BC from Seattle. Have fun with the move. Portland is pretty cool if you don’t go into it assuming it is a lesser New York.
Kj* July 22, 2017 at 9:25 pm Oh and I should add, if the relationship issues concern you, you might consider a few session with a marriage and family therapist, just to be sure both of you are communicating honestly about your concerns and are on the same page. Therapy can be tune-up for the relationship rather than a massive overhaul. I use therapy for myself as a tune-up and it really alleviates the pressure and means I function better.
Savannah* July 23, 2017 at 12:34 pm Hi Kj, Thanks for your response. I’ll clarify what I mean by culture by saying that I’ve previously lived on 4 different continents and I literally mean the culture of the people, their values, priorities, temperament and assumptions so its not exactly a west coast vs. east coast thing. Its more that its exhausting to not be in your native culture day to day and obviously it can also be enriching. I’m going to give it my all because its good long term financially for us- but its a huge shift.
Otter box* July 23, 2017 at 1:14 am Another note on Oregon arts and culture: I grew up near Portland and currently live in a major east coast city. One of the things I miss the most is driving down to Ashland for the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. The whole town is like Disneyland for Shakespeare/theater nerds. They are a world-class theater company literally in the middle of nowhere in the Oregon Cascades. I’m moving back to the NW-ish area in less than two months and one of the things I cannot WAIT is to go back and spend a weekend in Ashland again.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 10:45 am I love the PNW and Portland is a wonderful town. The biggest issue is the financial one when one partner is the earner. My husband and I started with nothing and always pooled our incomes so when we moved for my job and he was out of work for a year, there was no issue of my money or his money; it was ours and we were just careful till we had two incomes again. When I was out of work for a year later, same deal. There are lots of ways to organize one’s financial life, but when someone gives up a job to follow the other, the my money/your money arrangement will leave the person who sacrificed their job pretty miserable and bitter. This needs to be sorted before the move or it will damage the relationship.
Overeducated* July 23, 2017 at 11:32 am I was going to post this but Artemesia said it very well! It can be tough to budget on one income – at some times for us it means nobody gets to buy fun personal stuff – but it helps a lot to be in it together and view all earnings as household money. That said, moving around for a spouse’s career at the detriment of your own and your friends and family is scary and hard, and Savannah, I don’t think it says anything bad about your relationship to be nervous. Two things that I think can help are finding things to get excited about in the new area to be a tourist, and talking about an escape hatch with your spouse (like ” if I really hate it here after X years, when and how can we talk about what it would take to get back to the east coast?”). I mean don’t count the days, but for me, assuming something is forever makes it a lot more high pressure than if it’s just for now.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 7:09 pm FWIW. My husband made a huge sacrifice and has a great partner track job and found it unexpectedly difficult to get established in the new town when he followed me. He wasn’t senior enough to be bringing in business and firms don’t like to bring people in over their junior people. And we moved to a small southern city with a ‘son in law’ sort of job culture. It was nightmarish but he managed over the long haul. BUT importantly to our relationship (since I was consumed by guilt even though we had agreed to make one big move for my career — a very non mobile one as was his) is that not once in the 40+ years since has he ever whined about making the sacrifice or in any way blamed me for the rough times and derailment. Not once. It is an enviable record and I highly recommend it although the sacrifice is huge and it will be tough not to complain about it. (I am not sure I could have equalled my husband’s sang froid in all of this)
Observer* July 22, 2017 at 11:02 pm Is there any reason you can’t find a job in Portland? Obviously, not this minute, but you could start looking one you SO moves, as you could use that address. And you have a perfect reason for moving – family obligations.
Savannah* July 23, 2017 at 12:35 pm I work in a pretty niche field of global health services and there are limited options in Portland so I’m assuming it will take me up to a year to find a job. In the mean time we’ll have to plan on one income for a while.
Carrie Lynn* July 22, 2017 at 5:52 pm Holy crow, I thought my husband’s endless everybody-loves-me-butterfly-syndrome was related to his severe ADHD. This Williams syndrome sounds frighteningly familiar. I’m going to buy this book.
Mimmy* July 22, 2017 at 6:00 pm Hmm…seems my post from earlier today got lost in a black hole! Basically, I had said that I was reacting rather strangely to a friend’s passing. She’d been on life support after a horrific infection following joint replacement surgery (she was immunocompromised from pre-existing health problems). I cried when a mutual friend said that she was not going to recover, but not when she passed a few days later. I think I was more sad for the mutual friend because the mutual friend is one of my closest friends; in turn, my friend was very close friends with the one who passed (and was by her side until the very end). The three of us had sometimes gotten together for lunch or dinner before one friend move out of state over two years ago. She was definitely a special person–very gentle and caring of others despite her own challenges. Now I feel silly for posting about it on Facebook – I was just feeling a little sad at the moment, but I feel like I made a bigger deal of it than warranted, though the condolences were certainly appreciated.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 9:29 pm Grief is such a strange thing, it moves around, changes the target and who knows what. A person can experience each passing in a different manner. Confusingly, two people looking at the same loss can process it in different manners. Some people grieve a person’s illness more than their passing. It happens that way sometimes. I am not sure why, but I assume there are a number of reasons. As you say here, the horror of their final illness; thinking about our own mortality; or feeling kind of small/humbled because so many people have such huge difficulties and the reasons go on and on. There have been times where I have cried more for the survivors than for the one who passed. It could be that I was avoiding my own grief or it could be that I was actually concerned for these folks. And there have been times where I went through a funeral and the aftermath in a very matter-of-fact manner without feeling huge emotions. Part of it is all the variables. It depends on the personality and relationship with the one who passed. It depends on other people’s relationship with the one who passed. The function this person served in people’s lives can mean huge changes without this person so that can be another layer of grief. My aunt wisely pointed out that the softness/gentleness of the person can even be a factor in how we process grief. I wouldn’t worry about your FB post. Probably in time someone will approach you and say, “thanks for posting that, it meant something to me”. Many times we carry messages for others and we don’t even realize. It’s probably okay.
Paul* July 22, 2017 at 6:26 pm This time a year ago we had 2 dogs and 2 cats. As of about an hour ago, we’re at 1 cat. I think it’ll be a good few years before I’m ready for another after this year.
Carrie Lynn* July 22, 2017 at 6:31 pm O_O Please tell me you didn’t lose three pets in one incident! Holy frack! I’m so sorry.
Paul* July 22, 2017 at 6:37 pm No, just old age and illness for all three over the span of the last 10 or 11 months. We got both dogs as adults from the pound back in 2007 when we bought the house, the cats are a few years older. were older? I don’t know what tenses work now. The remaining cat still seems young, but I have to be honest; I hate that damn cat. She is 100% my wife’s animal and borderline hostile to everyone else.
The Other Dawn* July 22, 2017 at 6:42 pm I’m so sorry to hear that. :( I’ve had a rough year with cats myself.
Saturnalia* July 23, 2017 at 2:30 pm I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ll cross my fingers for ya that the hateful cat warms up more now that she’s an only Kitty.
Miss Anne Thrope* July 22, 2017 at 7:03 pm Going to Montreal in a few weeks for a conference. Bringing my mom and daughter (3yo). Any suggestions on things to do? Especially family friendly?
Effie, getting there* July 22, 2017 at 10:42 pm Walking around Chinatown? My mom took my sisters (I stayed home with my dad) and they had a great time when they visited.
Colette* July 23, 2017 at 10:24 am Old Montreal can be fun to walk around in. And the bio dome is enjoyable.
fposte* July 23, 2017 at 2:33 pm Botanical garden? The Chinese Garden is really cool and it’s right up front, so you don’t have to go far with a three-year-old.
Purple snowdrop* July 22, 2017 at 7:14 pm This week, circular arguments have been going on in purple snowdrop’s head: -wtf am I doing? He’s not abusive, he’s a perfectly cromulent human being [yes I misused that deliberately], I’m totes making it all up -no, actually. He’s a shit. He’s been mean to you even this week. A couple of weeks of generally being decent doesn’t make it ok! -but I’m going to Wreck His Life by leaving him and he’s going to fight dirty and try and take the child away from me! -err, you’re kind of making my point for me here. Anyway, let’s write a list of all the shitty things he’s done so you can objectively see that he’s a shit, whether he’s actually abusive or not, as planning to leave wise it doesn’t really matter -but I love him and child loves him, how can I separate them?! -arrgh I give up. Tbh I’m leaving him either way. I don’t love him and he clearly doesn’t love me (can’t be bothered to debate whether he ever did and it doesn’t really matter, I guess). I’m going to prepare for him taking it really, really badly, so I’m prepared if I need to be, but hopefully he’ll act like a decent human being and not degenerate into threats and more overt abuse so I won’t have to use it. But good god it’s exhausting and I’m so scared I’m gonna accidentally let on.
caledonia* July 22, 2017 at 7:39 pm *hugs* Sometimes being in your own head is exhausting :( And the second point is right on.
Effie, getting there* July 22, 2017 at 7:46 pm Breathe. I am so sorry, Purple snowdrop. Breathe. You’re going to be OK. Breathe. When you’re exhausted from pretending, hide inside yourself. Separate your exhausted, emotional self from the outside you. There’s a veil you can step behind. It’s in the back of your brain. You’ll still look and sound like you on the outside. No one will know. Try not to lock yourself in because it’ll make it harder to come out. I hope this makes sense, I’m not always great with communicating with words. Breathe. Best wishes and hugs if you want them
neverjaunty* July 22, 2017 at 9:14 pm Try swapping those things around? Instead of “he does [awful things] but I love him”, try thinking “I love him, but he does [awful things].” And then remind yourself that every time you start convincing yourself he’s ok, it’s you brain playing the exact same trick on you as when it convinces you “sure, it’s a good idea to eat that entire bag of cookies”.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 9:54 pm If it causes this much confusion, it’s not love. Think. If you were in a loving relationship you would not have this mix bag of conflicting thoughts. It will be okay. We are supposed to examine ourselves and check what we are doing. That is healthy and normal. Let yourself up for air and tell yourself “it is okay to double check me”. I’d like to think that people love us in the way they know how. This is a pretty broad statement because if a person loves money and decides they love MY money then this person is loving me in the ways they know how: for my money. (Boy, is this hypothetical dude in for a shock! ha!) The trick is to find someone who loves in the same way or similar way we do. In a simplistic example, I love my dog and my friends. So Mr. Hypothetical would probably have a similar thing going on in his life. What this means is you can say, “He loved me in the ways he knew how.” Recognize that is a very broad statement and decide to let your tired brain take a rest.
Purple snowdrop* July 23, 2017 at 10:50 am Ha, I hope no one ever loves me for my money. Thank you NSNR
Tau* July 23, 2017 at 4:30 am I am so sorry you’re going through this. No advice, but all the virtual hugs.
This Daydreamer* July 23, 2017 at 5:59 am Hang in there. It’s always hard to break up, but the emotional abuse makes it even harder. He’s a master of messing with your head. Stay strong and keep reminding yourself of everything he does that hurts you. I’m afraid he probably is going to take it really badly; most abusers do because abuse is all about control, and he loses all control over you when you leave. If he doesn’t immediately get angry he might promise you the moon but he isn’t going to change. You can do this. I work in a domestic violence shelter so I’ve heard a million stories. I’m going to keep my fingers crossed for you.
Purple snowdrop* July 23, 2017 at 10:56 am He will start by promising the earth and then he’ll get nasty when he realises it’s not going to work. I know him too well. I’m hoping that I can sell it as “my love, you deserve better, you said a few years ago you thought you should break up* and nothing’s changed since then, la la la”. Selling it as his own idea is my one shot of keeping it fairly amicable (on the surface, I honestly don’t give a shit about him any more). *While we were out celebrating our anniversary or his birthday, can’t remember which. He also said that I should have made more of an effort to have sex with him when he was sacked from his last job. I felt so awful at the time and now I look back and think ‘wtf-ing-f?!’ Thank you.
Reba* July 23, 2017 at 6:36 am Hi Purple, please consider talking to a domestic abuse hotline as you prepare yourself to leave. Many abusers ramp up their shit when their partners try to leave them. Even if that seems like overkill, better safe than sorry and the hotlines are confidential, professional and have heard it all. They can help you plan your exit. Not sure where you are located but here’s one for the US http://www.thehotline.org and the UK http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk. Good luck! It sounds like you are making the best choice for yourself and your child.
Chameleon* July 23, 2017 at 10:41 am If you worry he’s going to pull dirty tricks, you may want to talk to a lawyer before the break up, so you can plan out how to protect yourself. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 10:50 am This 100 times. Get all those ducks lined up including copies of all joint financial paperwork stored outside the house. Consult with a lawyer so you don’t do things that compromise your custody of the child and your finances. When you are ready to make the move have it worked out so you are safe and your interested are protected. Having a therapist who can help you process the difficult emotions is also prudent. It is never easy even when it is the right thing to do.
Purple snowdrop* July 23, 2017 at 10:58 am Oh I am. I want to leave, like, last week. But I need to get my ducks lined up. And unfortunately it’s hard to get my bloody ducks lined up because I only rarely get time to myself in the house. Talking to a lawyer is terrifying but I know that if I do anything else he will screw me over so badly :(
Purple snowdrop* July 23, 2017 at 11:01 am Thank you all so much. I haven’t got the energy to reply to all the comments but please know I appreciate them all. You guys help me keep going. I never thought I’d end up here. Until a couple of months ago I genuinely thought he was just misunderstood and unappreciated in his own lifetime. Excuse me while I throw up.
Purple snowdrop* July 23, 2017 at 2:03 pm He’s currently laughing at me for me crying about a death on TV. Infant-aged child gave me a cuddle and a kiss and a tissue. Child is more emotionally mature than husband. Making mental notes.
Belle di Vedremo* July 23, 2017 at 3:19 pm Hugs to you. Can you call a domestic abuse hotline tomorrow on your lunch break (assuming M-F/9-5 life here, sorry if that’s not apt), and ask them about how to find a lawyer too? You don’t get much time alone in your home, do you have a friend or two with whom you could plan an afternoon or evening and spend part of it on your phone at that person’s home? Maybe have a “play date” that also allows that phone time? Please keep us posted, we’re pulling for you.
Purple snowdrop* July 23, 2017 at 5:10 pm Yeah I’m going to sort the lawyer out tomorrow. Work know and are amazingly helpful and supportive. And yes I’ve been planning to go watch a DVD at a friend’s house and plan stuff while we watch. Must text her. Thank you.
Amadeo* July 22, 2017 at 7:54 pm Blue (goat’s) milk soap, scented with a soothing warm amber blend. For all you desert planet orphans, raised by your aunt and uncle (or some dude who gives you food for scavenging ship parts) who miss home. ;) http://imageshack.com/a/img922/6024/twLi3D.jpg Yes, I am still soaping, still theming it along geeky lines because that’s just what I do.
bassclefchick* July 23, 2017 at 8:19 am But…do you have an Etsy shop?! I want some! Your soaps sound amazing!!
Amadeo* July 23, 2017 at 12:21 pm I don’t! I’m not officially selling yet, but have begun the process of getting my ducks in a row for that. You can email me, if you want: rusti dot knight at gmail dot com and we can talk there.
MsChanandlerBong* July 22, 2017 at 7:55 pm Anyone ever have a bone-marrow biopsy? I’m having one in a few weeks, and I am conflicted about whether I should ask to be sedated or not. On one hand, every time someone tells me, “It was the most painful thing ever” in relation to a medical procedure, I always end up thinking it was no big deal (I’ve had 16 surgeries, so my pain tolerance is much higher than the average person’s). However, I realize that may not be the case with this procedure. My mother’s coworker had it done and said all she felt was some pressure, but my cousin is a nurse, and when I told her what my mother said, she shook her head and told me to ask for the drugs. Also: Minor complaint. Doctors/nurses are horrible about patient education. Everything I know about the procedure, I know from Googling. No one told me what will happen, what to expect, whether I can have sedatives or not, how long the recovery is, or anything else. All I know is that I have to be there at 8 a.m. and they won’t let me go home without a driver.
TL -* July 22, 2017 at 8:20 pm From what I hear, it’s a very unpleasant sucking sensation, even if you don’t feel pain (and you shouldn’t, from what I understand, if they use local anesthesia.) They’re not painful anymore but they still don’t feel good.
Red* July 22, 2017 at 8:47 pm I also have a wicked high pain tolerance (even appendicitis didn’t bother me – I thought I had stomach cramps from having thrown up many times and just went to urgent care for some Zofran, after an exam they almost called me an ambulance) and I would say, if people are saying it’s the most painful thing ever, I would assume it would be on the more painful end of your range of experiences with pain. So, picture the pain of the worst procedure you’ve had, and make your decisions around that benchmark. Also, call up your doctor’s office and demand that your questions be answered. They can conveniently “forget” to educate you all they want, but it’s a lot harder when you flat out ask! Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck!
MsChanandlerBong* July 22, 2017 at 9:20 pm People have told me “it’s the most painful thing ever” about every procedure I’ve ever had, though, and I’ve never thought any of them were anything beyond mildly uncomfortable. But that’s what I get for asking generally healthy people who have never had surgery. Hell, the cortisone shot I got in my foot for plantar fasciitis hurt worse than having my leg cut open so they could thread a catheter into my femoral artery. I will call the doctor’s office on Monday. The oncologist I saw last week is not doing the procedure. He referred me to an interventional radiology group because I have some extra risk factors that make it necessary for me to have it done in a hospital instead of a doctor’s office (kidney and heart disease). I also can’t take NSAIDs, so they will probably have to adjust their typical pain-management protocol for me.
Red* July 23, 2017 at 11:00 am Honestly, I’d assume this will be no more than mildly uncomfortable then, unless of course your doctor tells you otherwise. If your doctors office is useless at education, call up the interventional radiology group – they ought to be very knowledgeable about the procedure, seeing as they’re the ones doing the thing!
LCL* July 22, 2017 at 9:01 pm Sedation isn’t for pain, it’s for stress. How well do you think you can cope?
MsChanandlerBong* July 22, 2017 at 9:13 pm I have good coping skills, especially when it comes to medical stuff. I had dye injected into my spine when I was a kid, and I told my mother the worst part was when they scrubbed my back with the wire brush. I’ve had four spinal surgeries, a bowel obstruction, and many other maladies. When I say sedation, I don’t mean a Xanax for anxiety–I mean IV Versed or something. I’ve had procedures before where I was not anesthetized, but whatever they gave me for sedation knocked me out and I felt no pain. So maybe sedation is only supposed to be for anxiety, but for me, it knocks me out and makes me completely unaware of anything that’s going on.
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 9:52 pm Versed is heavy duty–I think we thought you were talking about a Valium the night before or something. Versed’s job is to keep you quiet and minimize your memory formation while keeping you conscious enough to respond to directions; I believe it therefore has less risk than general anesthesia but can be used for some fairly invasive procedures (it’s popular for colonoscopies, for instance). And yeah, to me it feels a lot like general anesthesia–as far as I can tell, I was knocked out and now I’m waking up. I signed up for the marrow registry years ago and paid some attention to procedures because of it; at that point, they sometimes used to harvest marrow from donors under local anesthesia but it looks like that it’s gone all general now. The problem with the local was that it numbed the flesh but not the actual bone, which has nerves and pain receptors as well. I’m guessing that a biopsy isn’t quite as involved because it’s not trying to slurp as much out, but I suspect it’s a similar issue. Mayo’s thing on bone marrow biopsy suggests that it is, in fact, and says that it’s a “brief sharp pain” and that most people don’t need IV sedation or general anesthesia. For me the question wouldn’t just be the pain but the anticipatory stress and stress if there are delays, rearrangements, or setbacks during the appointment; factor those in if they’re relevant to you.
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 9:54 pm By “Versed’s job is to keep you quiet” I mean physically still! I don’t mean it’s to make sure you don’t complain :-).
MsChanandlerBong* July 22, 2017 at 11:04 pm Haha, I figured that’s what you meant! Last time I had Versed, I was hallucinating big-time, but it was weird because half of my brain could see these visual hallucinations, but the other half of my brain was very calmly telling me, “This isn’t real.” Then I fell asleep. When I came out of the procedure, I told my husband that I saw Winnie the Pooh, Elmer Fudd, and “Mrs. Fudd” dancing on the X-ray machine. He said, “Uh, honey, there was no Mrs. Fudd.” I replied, “There was today!”
Purple snowdrop* July 23, 2017 at 4:10 am “There was no Mrs Fudd” “There was today!” Took me a second to understand this but now I’m laughing my head off :D
nonegiven* July 23, 2017 at 1:04 am Versed does zip for me. I remember everything and never again. They can either knock me all the way out or it must not really be necessary to do the procedure.
fposte* July 23, 2017 at 2:29 pm Whereas am in retrospect out like a light until wakey-wakeys. I was initially vaguely disturbed by that–I really don’t like the idea of losing memories of when I was conscious–but I got over that; I’m glad it works on me the way it’s supposed to.
Rebecca* July 22, 2017 at 9:38 pm Before my first colonoscopy, the nurse sat down with me and gave me a pamphlet that laid out what to expect, and we went over it in the office. I’d ask for this, for sure! I think the worst thing is not knowing. The other thing I do is ask about what the real pain level will be. I had an infected cyst on my back, and it already hurt quite a bit, and my PA lanced it and packed it, but before he did, he needed to inject numbing meds. He said “you may feel some discomfort”, and right away I said “wait, is it really going to hurt for the first couple of jabs or is it just a little discomfort?”. He paused and said “it might hurt, but it will only last for a few seconds, and then you won’t feel much more than pressure”. So I grabbed the table, he poked me with the needle, and yes, it did hurt, but he was right, only for a few seconds. But I was ready. Good luck! I know this must be stressful for you.
MsChanandlerBong* July 22, 2017 at 11:08 pm Yeah, I’m pretty stressed. Basically, I either have a condition that is benign but increases your risk for multiple myeloma by as much as 30%, or smoldering/active multiple myeloma, which is incurable. So, you know, I’m hoping for the first one. Also, the younger you are at diagnosis, the higher your chances of the benign condition progressing to cancer. Most people with this diagnosis are well over the age of 50; I am only 36. I’ve just had so many health issues throughout my life that it all feels a little unfair. Everything I have ever tried to enjoy, have, do, or be has been ruined by medical problems. I got into my first choice college for pre-med, but then I was diagnosed with lupus and could barely get out of bed let alone go to med school and work 80 hours a week. Then I switched majors and nearly flunked out my junior year because I was hospitalized multiple times. The first job I ever really loved turned into an amazing opportunity for me. Not one week after my promotion, I ended up in the hospital, used up my all my vacation days, and had to quit my job so I could qualify for Medicaid (the job didn’t come with insurance). I generally am pretty positive, but I am feeling kind of beaten down right now.
Not So NewReader* July 22, 2017 at 10:05 pm My husband had a bone marrow biopsy of his spine. I can’t remember what drug they gave him, it’s a well known heavy hitter, I remember that much. I remember being worried about addiction, because I was wandering around looking for MORE things to worry about. It was done in the oncologist’s office. And my husband did quite well with it. I think they made me leave the room when they used the needles. I came back in and asked him how he was. He said he was fine but was going to sleep. The sleep was planned/expected. I sat and read while he slept. When he woke up, he looked at me and said, “Okay, I am ready to go now.” He was fine the rest of the day, well, fine for him given his givens. The drug wore right off, no problems. We went to another appointment after that.
MsChanandlerBong* July 22, 2017 at 11:11 pm Sorry your husband had to have that done, but I appreciate your response. That makes me feel better. I think it’s the fact that no one told me anything about the procedure that is bothering me. If they said, “Okay, it’s going to sting while we numb the area with lidocaine (or whatever drug they use), and then it’s going to hurt like hell for 60 seconds,” I’d be okay with that. I know they’ll probably explain everything that morning, but why make me stew for a month?
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 10:18 am At some point in the future hopefully our society will change and the importance of easing people’s worry level will become a priority. More effort will be put forth across the board to help people be informed and remain calm. I am convinced that prolonged worry does a lot of damage to the body. I don’t understand why more isn’t done. I also don’t understand why docs don’t realize that if one spouse gets sick the other spouse is probably having difficulty also. Maybe in the future things will change. I hope.
Belle di Vedremo* July 23, 2017 at 3:27 pm I’m sorry this is added to your list of things to handle. Minor complaint is, to me, a major complaint. I’d call and ask for the details, explaining that not having them will exacerbate other worries or allow you to ask good questions. I’d also ask what prep info on your existing issues and meds is being communicated to the new doc, and then I’d ask to speak with a nurse at the new office to explain again and ask for more detailed info on the procedure and ramifications. Eg, they may have an nsaid ready and waiting for you as you are coming around, and you don’t want them to give you a “standard” thing you aren’t alert enough to refuse.
LizB* July 22, 2017 at 8:01 pm tl;dr Anyone have any advice or input on leg waxing? I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I really don’t care that much about keeping my legs shaved, and would ideally only shave once in a while for special occasions. But, if I just shave every few months when I have a reason to, it takes forever to do because the hair has grown pretty long. So that got me thinking that maybe I’d be a good candidate for leg waxing. I’ve never had anything waxed except my eyebrows once long ago, so I have no experience with what it’s like, how much it costs, or what kind of professional I should be going to. Thoughts, lovely commenters? I’m in the Twin Cities, MN, USA area if anyone has specific recommendations.
TL -* July 22, 2017 at 8:26 pm Probably $40-60, maybe more? It’s painful but the pain is quick. I would go to a place that specializes in waxing or a place with a dedicated wax person – practice makes perfect so get the person who does this every day. You want clean, private, and comfortable, which shouldn’t be too hard to find.
Sylvia* July 22, 2017 at 8:35 pm If waxing doesn’t work out for you (my skin doesn’t like it), you might compromise between shaving and not by only shaving once or twice a week, so that the hair’s shortish and easy to shave when you really want to do it.
FDCA In Canada* July 22, 2017 at 8:36 pm Experiences: Leg waxing isn’t terribly painful (your calves don’t have a ton of sensitive nerves compared to your face), but if your skin isn’t particularly delicate or sensitive, you’d probably be a good candidate! The biggest problem with leg waxing is that your hair needs to be long enough for the wax to grab, but if you’re going a month or two between shaving, you’d be ideal. I’m not sure what the pricing would be like, but generally you can expect to pay anywhere from $30 to $60 for half (ankle to knee), and $50 to $100 for whole-leg. This is the kind of thing Yelp or other crowdsourced reviews are great for. Find a reputable salon, it doesn’t have to be waxing-specific, with good reviews. There are different types of wax–soft wax or strip wax is a hot wax that’s smeared onto the leg, then a strip of muslin is pressed down over top, and then taken off in a swift strip. Hard wax is a different formulation of wax smeared on, then you wait for it to harden, then the esthetician takes it off without any need for a strip. Sugaring is done with a mixture of cooked sugar solution that’s laid on, then ripped off quickly. Soft wax is the hardest on the skin but it’s usually fine for legs, as they’re less sensitive and less apt to bad reactions, but if your skin is very delicate or fragile I’d opt for hard wax or sugaring. (If the salon doesn’t say if they use hard or soft wax, ask!) Your esthetician should be using a different wooden stick for each dip into the wax pot as well. Leg waxing is a fairly quick process if you’re getting strip wax because there isn’t any real artistry needed (like eyebrows) or delicacy (like the lip area or a Brazilian). Usually they’ll show you into a private room and you’ll sit on a large chair/bed type deal. Some places will have you wipe down your leg with a baby wipe or something to get any dirt off, some places will just go to town–frequently they’ll use a little baby powder to make sure it’s dry, then on goes the wax and off comes the hair. If you want you can take an ibuprofen or aspirin 30 minutes beforehand, but if your pain tolerance is OK there’s probably no need. Good luck!
Christy* July 22, 2017 at 9:31 pm If you have money to spend and you want the problem 90% gone after one session, do laser hair removal! It’s probably hundreds of dollars but it’ll probably permanently remove most of your dark legs hairs. I had it done on my face and the only time I’ve ever had to do anything else to my eyebrows is plucking under the brows for weddings. It’s a great option if it’s feasible for you.
Mischa* July 23, 2017 at 12:14 am I have been dying to get laser hair removal. Did you go to a dermatologist or a more commercial clinic (if that’s a thing)?
Christy* July 23, 2017 at 11:13 am I went to a more commercial place and it was awesome! My place gives you free touch ups for life after 8 paid sessions, and since I’m always gonna grow chin hair (thanks hormones) it’s gonna work out quite well for me.
Persephone Mulberry* July 23, 2017 at 1:12 am I am also in the Twin Cities and all of my friends who wax use Waxing the City (various locations). Their prices are comparable to Europwan Wax Center but they’ve got a nicer esthetic.
MechanicalPencil* July 24, 2017 at 9:01 am I’ve tried Waxing the City, and I am not a fan of their wax formulation at all. I have somewhat sensitive skin and it was a bit irritating. I’m postulating that it was potentially due to the dye that they add to their wax. The aesthetician was lovely, and I actually followed her there from a different salon. Their price points were a bit high compared to others in my area, but ymmv. Speed waxing is a technique that places like European Wax Center use to get you in and out as soon as possible, so they apply as wax to as large an area as possible to get you in and out as quickly as possible. I’ve been waxing for many years, so my pain tolerance for waxing is pretty decent. Speed waxing is not a technique I find particularly thrilling. The best experiences are ones who use baby powder prior to waxing and then who use an oil after to clean off any leftover wax residue. I’ve found that searching Yelp for something like “leg wax” or similar yields better results, and generally the sole proprietor salons are the ones with the best rankings. Peruse their websites. Call and ask questions about what types of wax they use, what technique they use to wax, how long it generally takes them to do a leg waxing, what their process is start to finish. On your part, you’ll get the best wax if you go regularly, usually every 4-6 weeks depending on your growth cycle. Regularly exfoliate your legs so you don’t get ingrown hairs (I use baking soda and water to make a paste and then a nice loofah to scrub with). The first time is the worst just because you don’t really know what to expect, but it’s truly not that bad. I find the eyebrow thing worse.
Thlayli* July 23, 2017 at 1:16 am Pros: 1 It’s quick so the pain is over fast. 2It’s really effective and takes ages to grow back. 3 if done by a well trained professional there is little chance of ingrown hairs or other yucky itchiness Cons: 1 cost. It may actually work out cheaper to do laser over the long run but that depends on how often you wax. 2 if you do it with home waxing strips it’s really cheap but it’s hard to get the hang of/hurts for longer (I always have to go a few times) and unless you get it warm enough before applying and let it cool down enough before pulling (there’s a knack) it can be really yucky and painful when it’s not quite grasped the hair and you try to remove it. 3 pain. It’s over quick but it’s bloody sore. I epilated my legs today for first time in ages. It’s much cheaper than salon waxing and more effective than home waxing, but it’s bloody sore. My eoilator also has an electric razor and a piece that’s kind of like a tiny block of vibrating sandpaper for preventing ingrown hairs.
Paul* July 23, 2017 at 9:31 am I tried wax strips once, on a dare in a college. Never again. Ever never.
Ron McDon* July 23, 2017 at 4:57 am I used to get my legs waxed but then bought an epilator on sale and have been using that ever since. It stings a little (it pulls the hair out, like waxing), and takes longer to do than waxing, but I have saved so much money over the years. Plus, if I look at my legs one day and think ‘ooh, looking like the yeti’ I can quickly remove the hair that night, rather than having to wait for an appointment :) Just an alternative idea to waxing, that gives similar results. Plus (like with waxing) the hair lessens over time, and becomes more sparse.
Chocolate Teapot* July 23, 2017 at 6:09 am I had my legs waxed once and the actual waxing bit was ok, but then the esthetician had to tweeze out some leftover hairs, which was quite painful.
Thlayli* July 23, 2017 at 6:21 am That’s not a typical waxing experience. I’ve had to do that myself sometimes when waxing at home but never when I’ve had it done by a professional.
TootsNYC* July 23, 2017 at 3:08 pm what brand do you use? I had one years ago, and it tookI’m a long time, especially to get everything. I’m guessing that technology has improved.
Ron McDon* July 24, 2017 at 9:04 am I use a Braun that I probably bought 10+ years ago! It does take a long time (15-20 mins per leg?) and I do always miss a few hairs. I put in headphones and a podcast and just sit there happily buzzing over my legs. I just noticed an advert this weekend for a new Braun epilator which has a light on it – I think that might lessen the missed hairs! I might treat myself…
Sylvia* July 22, 2017 at 8:32 pm Have any of you ever played tourist in your own city? I returned to my hometown after college and I feel like, in a lot of ways, Adult Sylvia is quite similar to High School Sylvia. She sees the same people and she does the same things. I would like to try new things. But I don’t know where to start!
Red* July 22, 2017 at 8:54 pm I have! Google the tourist website for your city/the nearest one and look for things you’ve never done, and then go do them! Just about every city has a tourist website, so you shouldn’t have a problem finding one for yours. Hell, I live in Buffalo (not really a major city lol), and we have many tourist sites (including one for locals who just like doing new things) and a magazine, and they list things in the suburbs too.
Sylvia* July 22, 2017 at 9:22 pm Weirdly enough, I returned here to work on something like that! I worked there for a few years. Now it is time for me to be on the customer side, which I hadn’t even thought about. :) I’ll keep an eye out for the things I haven’t tried. Maybe the local subreddit will be helpful, too.
Elizabeth West* July 22, 2017 at 9:41 pm Not here. There’s nothing to see/do that I’m even the slightest bit interested in. I did do that in the Santa Cruz area when I lived in California, though. One time I went with some friends up to Woodside to Alice’s Restaurant at Skyline Boulevard when they were having a motorcycle rally. I have little to no interest in bikes, but it was fun. Though I did see a vintage Indian restored to pristine condition, and it was GORGEOUS. Yes, it was red. Yes, it was shiny. No, I did not get to ride on it (I don’t like that anyway).
Laura* July 22, 2017 at 11:07 pm I have. My internet friend’s visit was the reason. And it was pretty cool. It wasn’t much but something as simple as “I want to sit with the cool statue on the bench that doesn’t look out of place at all.” makes it fun. (Sometimes our statue sitter has cool hats on his head.) You know your city/ at the very least maybe something you’ve always wanted to try. Have some fun.
Thlayli* July 23, 2017 at 1:17 am I’ve seen most of the sites in my city and nearby towns. Highly recommend.
This Daydreamer* July 23, 2017 at 6:04 am Yep. I live in a good tourist town with history, scenery, and good restaurants and shopping. I just wish living here didn’t cost so blasted much.
Overeducated* July 23, 2017 at 11:36 am Same here :) I may not live here much longer though, and I think knowing you can’t procrastinate forever is an incentive to actually do more tourist stuff.
Grieving* July 22, 2017 at 8:34 pm My gravatar may show but don’t out me because I don’t want someone who (was) cyber-lurking on me to find this. Sorry for length. It should have been in Worst, but I didn’t want to hijack the Best/Worst thread. I think I have moved into perimenopause and I am extremely upset about it. A couple of months ago, I missed a period and then last month’s was right on time. Then, two weeks before that bitch Flo was supposed to show up, she showed up on Wednesday with hardly any cramps but ten times the amount. And I am still trapped here, with no one to be with, no possibility of it, and no jobs that can get me out. My only consolation at this point is that I still have a 1% (or probably more like 0.5%) chance, as long as Flo is still showing up. My doctor said, “The oldest woman who had a baby was 70; you could still do it.” Well yeah, I’m healthy. And if I had anyone to have it with. We might need assistance,but I do NOT want to do it alone. I never did. If that’s all I wanted, I would have just picked someone like Ann Perkins did on Parks and Recreation and done it a long time ago. And this could drag on for another year (oh please please please, bitch don’t go). My sister, who is married but has no kids and whose husband does not want them, said something at Thanksgiving that made me so angry and frustrated. She and my niece and I were talking about my dad, who gave everybody a picture of himself he had taken professionally. Niece said, “I don’t know why he did that; he’s not going anywhere.” I said, “Yeah, he can’t go until I have a baby! Ha!” It was a joke, because forever alone, right? My sister pursed her lips in the most righteous way ever and said, “Oh no no no, you can’t do that at your age [52]. It could be born without any LEGS or something.” o_O I was so proud of myself for not saying what I wanted to say (and I’m sure you can imagine what that was). My sister is like our mother; she’s very competitive. Right now, in her mind, she’s ahead of me; she’s married (to a man who does not want kids) and has an actual career. If I had a baby, I’d be ahead in a way she never can be, so she had to shut me down. I didn’t want this to get ahead of her; I wanted it for myself. But I learned one thing–not to ever ever bring it up around her again. If I lose this, I’ve lost everything. It does not matter if I publish something that outsells Harry Potter; it does not matter what I’m doing. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, in what amounts to a prison with no discernible way out. There is no reason for this. I’m not Beethoven. I’m no genius of any kind, and I’m not Owen Meany; I don’t have a special purpose. I’m not doing nor will I ever do anything that precludes me having love and marriage and a family of my own. I have looked and looked and looked, but there is nothing here. And I cannot get out. I’ve tried to change it and nothing will change. I cannot spend the rest of my life like this, and frankly, I don’t want to. I’m trying to remember that the universe was moving in my favor on all the things that have happened last year, but it seems to have stalled right at the critical point. I’m trying not to panic. But I’m panicking. I was talking to a friend about it today and she asked, “Would you really want to do this now?” And I said, “YES!” just in case the damn universe was listening. :P
Thlayli* July 23, 2017 at 1:22 am I don’t have any advice just wanted to say that all totally sucks and send you some random internet stranger hugs. (Which I will denote with a H as emojis will not work for me) H H H H HHHHHH
Effie, getting there* July 23, 2017 at 2:36 am Oh, honey. I wish I had something comforting to say. Hoping the universe heard you loud and clear.
Jules the First* July 23, 2017 at 3:10 am I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough ride this year. Please remember that your life is filled with love (parents, siblings, niece, friends, us!) whether you have a child and a partner or not. It sounds like you should spoil yourself this weekend…life is almost always better after pizza and a movie. We’re rooting for you!
Purple snowdrop* July 23, 2017 at 4:17 am Without legs?!?!?!? FFS!!!! I’m so very sorry you’re potentially dealing with this on top of everything else. I’m hoping that it’s just stress messing with you and not really perimenopause. Sending good vibes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ and hugs from this internet stranger
Julianne* July 23, 2017 at 7:41 am Right? What a bizarre thing to suggest, not to mention unnecessary! People joke about pregnant women having “pregnancy brain,” but sometimes the ridiculous comments people make on the topic lead me to believe it leads to a much more widespread temporary loss of brain cells…
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 10:34 am Some people are born to younger parents but they seem to be born without sensitivity to others. Missing legs can be repaired. Lack of empathy for others is not as easy to repair. The remark grabbed me because I was a late in life baby. And yeah, my legs are messed up. SO WHAT? That does not make me less of a person or of less value to the people around me. I know one guy whose mother did way too many drugs and he was born without a leg. As an adult he built his own leg! Brilliant man, absolutely brilliant. Yes, it has a knee joint, yes he wears a shoe on that foot. At best, OP, your sister’s remark was shallow, poorly thought out to the point that there was NO thinking behind it and totally irrelevant to your concerns. And that is at BEST. I won’t say what it was at worst. From us late in life babies with messed up legs, we’d pick you for a mom over her ANY day. (If we could pick our moms that is…) Take a break from sis for a while, she has nothing positive to contribute to your life.
Mimmy* July 23, 2017 at 10:09 am (((hugs))) I’m sorry it’s been such a rough year. I know how it feels when it seems everything is going your way, then…poof! Sending positive vibes!! BTW, what your sister said was downright cruel. I love what you said–that you wanted it for YOURSELF. It’s not about one-upping anyone.
The Other Dawn* July 23, 2017 at 10:44 am No advice, but big hugs to you. (And I’m not a hugger so that’s saying something. :) )
Red* July 23, 2017 at 11:12 am I don’t have any advice or anything, I’m just here to say that I’m sorry life isn’t going as well as it should for someone as wonderful as you and I’m sorry you got a jerk of a sister. You are so unerringly kind and deserve only the best. I’d hug you if I could and I don’t even do hugs
Grieving* July 23, 2017 at 1:53 pm Thanks, everybody. *snif* *BIG sigh* Soooo much dukkha right now. Ugh. I know ideally I’m not supposed to be attached to this, but I. Can’t. Help. It. I have been trying not to think about what my sister said, but it creeps back in those moments when I’m struggling. I don’t even know if she gets how hurt and diminished that made me feel. Doesn’t matter; if the universe favors me, I’ve decided that I’m not going to share any attempts with my family (because my mum enjoys being the gossip central of the family and probably would talk about it with her) until it’s time to say something. Then the second she opens her mouth, I will say, “NOT TODAY, SATAN!”
Reba* July 23, 2017 at 5:11 pm I love that image :) Lots of hugs and thoughts of kindness. Remember that life is short, but it is also long. Who knows what may happen?
Merci Dee* July 23, 2017 at 3:00 pm I know that this means so much to you, because you’ve shared your feelings on this with us before. I am praying that you will be led to the partner who is perfect for you, who will bring out your best self and vice versa, and who will love every facet of your personality. However … I would also encourage you to keep an open mind about the things you want, and be receptive to opportunities that may not be exactly what you had planned. To wit, I know you said you don’t want to do parenthood alone, but that may be the way your path is leading right now. Biologically speaking, bearing children does come with an expiration date, though it’s different for every one of us. But, Lord willing, we continue to live and grow and develop relationships past that point, even develop fulfilling romantic relationships. I would never tell you to give up on your dream, honey – you deserve everything you want and more. I’m just saying, maybe it’s okay to let your dreams change and evolve, if it gets you closer to meeting them.
Overeducated* July 23, 2017 at 3:18 pm I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this now, on top of all the other tough transitions having to fear for a deeply held dream for your life is truly unfair. Meeting the right person at the right time and conceiving is so based on luck, you can be the best person in the world (and from what I’ve read seem like a lovely, creative, kind person) and not get what you deserve and desire. And that’s just. Not. Fair. Also, obviously, you’re sister’s a jerk and I hope you get the family you want and a job that supports your life in the ways you need. *hugs*
Anxa* July 23, 2017 at 6:02 pm “I’m trying to remember that the universe was moving in my favor on all the things that have happened last year, but it seems to have stalled right at the critical point. I’m trying not to panic. ” Oof. I think I can relate to this and that sense of urgency with no clear path forward. Ugh. I wish you could find a way to move. I don’t think that would necessarily solve everything for you, and might even backfire if you find a way out of your place and still feel stuck. But I really do think it would be nice to shake a few things up and channel that urge to move forward into something while other opportunities come along. I hope something gives soon!
Amadeo* July 23, 2017 at 8:01 pm Man, I’m sorry. Hugs from the vicinity of the other southern corner of the state. It’s too bad you’re not closer, I would come get you, take you to the woods for a hike where I find a lot of peace myself. I have no words of advice or comfort, unfortunately.
I am still Furious* July 22, 2017 at 9:31 pm This has been a hard week for me. I’m in full investigative mode. I hid my credit cards, and set email alerts in case they’re found and used, I’ll know right away. I’ve been trying to snoop to find the gift card he’s been reloading. The CSR gave me the last 4 digits when I called to find out exactly what the charges were for, so all I need to do is dig through his wallet. He never lets the wallet out of his sight, and since we sleep in separate rooms, I’d have to sneak in and try to go through it while he was sleeping, but I haven’t done that yet. I found a bank statement, complete with full account number (we have separate accounts), and I’m not above setting up an online banking profile to see what money is going in and out. As I said last week, he works when he feels like it, but I never see any of the money. He didn’t work last year at all, so no W2 from then. It was so hard to keep quiet and not verbally lay into him, but what’s the point. He’s a liar, a thief, and a gambler. He has always done this…good for a while, or just hiding it really well, then he goes off the deep end and when caught, it’s an addiction, I can’t help myself, you have to forgive me, wah wah wah wah. OK. Whatever. I am so through with this. I did get some digs in, though. He commented on a news story about someone who was arrested for defrauding investors in a ponzi scheme, and mused, I wonder how they get away with that? I said “because they are good liars, they appear to be trustworthy, and people invest with them, and it turns out they steal the money from hardworking people instead”. He just looked at me. And I made other comments about how much gas was being purchased, and it looked like there were a lot of extra credit card charges, did he know why? Oh no, I have no idea…yeah. I plan to file for divorce whether or not I have another place to live. My name is on this house, so is his, and I need time to find someplace else to live that I can afford. But I don’t want to delay the actual divorce any longer. I’ve brought this up many times in the past, and he says that he doesn’t have to leave if he doesn’t want to, and he’ll never sign the papers. So, I will have to wait him out. And find out when I can kick him off my employer’s health insurance policy. I pay a ton more out of every paycheck to carry his sorry behind. I feel at least like I can make a plan and move forward now, such as it is.
Elizabeth West* July 22, 2017 at 9:52 pm *hug* I’m sorry you’re going through this. Virtual skate kicks available if you need them *sharpens*
Observer* July 22, 2017 at 11:11 pm Check with your lawyer (or get a better one), but you may be able to kick him off even before filing for divorce, as long as you do it whenever your open enrollment period is.
nonegiven* July 23, 2017 at 1:14 am Don’t just hide your cards. Tell the banks the numbers have been compromised and get new ones. Pull your credit reports and while you’re at it freeze your credit.
I am still Furious* July 23, 2017 at 7:23 am I thought about that, but that means the card companies will mail new cards to the house, where he is during the day while I’m at work, so I’m reluctant to do that right now.
OlympiasEpiriot* July 23, 2017 at 9:35 am Or work. I can get mail at my office. I did that back when I needed to. (Still do for the occasional package.)
The Cosmic Avenger* July 23, 2017 at 10:13 am All of this. Plus, this is a huge reason you need to figure out a way to live separately. Much of the security we rely on depends on people not having access to our house or personal effects (wallet/purse) that we might leave unguarded in our own home, even though we would never do that most other places. A PO Box should be less than $100/year (I think ours is half that), or you could have things sent to your work address. Good luck, and I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Observer* July 23, 2017 at 10:10 am Yes, either a PO box or work if that’s allowed. And I also second the credit report and freezing your credit.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 4:54 pm and a safe deposit box that only you have access to where you have all your important papers including a will, insurance, valued jewelry — any records it is important to have. They are cheap.
The Other Dawn* July 23, 2017 at 10:30 am I agree. I work at a bank and the best thing to do is get new cards with new numbers and have them either sent to the bank for pickup or to a PO box, work or someone else’s house. I’m not sure creating an online banking login for his account would work, and I wouldn’t advise it. Online banking logins are usually, depending on the bank’s vendor, driven by SSN. A good system will not allow you to create a second login on the same SSN. Your SSN would have to be on the account. If you somehow manage to create another login, there’s a really good chance he will get an email telling him that something has changed and he’ll be asked to verify it. Also, this could be classified as identity theft.
Jen Erik* July 23, 2017 at 7:03 pm Is there any sort of support group, near you or online, that you can join? (I think it’s Gam-Anon here, but I don’t know if that’s universal.) My husband is an alcoholic, and when he was drinking, it was suggested to me that I go to Al-anon. I did go, but I was furious about it: this was his problem, not mine. (Most people spend the first meeting in tears: I did the simmering fury. It felt like it was adding insult to injury, that my identity should be bound up in his alcoholism.) However, it really helped. It’s somewhere to take your raw feelings, and vent them, with people who just listen. But also you get insight through listening to others. (And certainly with Al-anon, you don’t need to be still living with the addict to come – some of us were, but lots – maybe the majority – weren’t.)
Simone R* July 22, 2017 at 10:01 pm Does anyone have a reccomendation for a gym bag? I’m currently just using a reusable shopping bag but it’s hard to carry with my work bag. I’d like something that’s as small as possible, just enough room for sneakers/flip flops/gym clothes and has a nice strap. I’ve looked on Amazon and it’s just hard to judge sizes.
fposte* July 22, 2017 at 10:31 pm I like eBags better than Amazon for giving me an idea of what’s going on in a bag, especially their pictures of humanoids carrying them for scale. You also might want to look at nylon totes; sometimes you can get more flexibility if you expand your category.
Paul* July 23, 2017 at 9:38 am Oh, that site is nice! Wish I’d found it when I was hunting for a new hiking backpack.
fposte* July 23, 2017 at 10:28 am Yes, it makes shopping quite pleasurable. Which is not always good :-).
Alinea* July 23, 2017 at 3:04 am I use the Adidas Defender in medium because it has multiple pockets (one ventilated for shoes! I use it for my shower sandals). The new version is the II and it looks like it has an extra pocket on the left-outside. They have a small size too, but also check out the Adidas Diablo small duffle.
Dead Quote Olympics* July 23, 2017 at 10:42 am I tried various standard gym bags and was always frustrated and I love my Zella from Nordstrom even though it was stupid expensive. It’s compact, has a separate shoe compartment, and I really like the vertical vs horizontal orientation that the backpack provides. It looks like Nordstrom is sold out but the Adidas Originals Bucket Backpack is similar (and cheaper). Link to follow, and it’s also available on Amazon.
Dead Quote Olympics* July 23, 2017 at 10:44 am http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/adidas-originals-bucket-backpack/4710456
Pat Benetardis* July 23, 2017 at 11:01 am OGio locker bag. It has a shoe compartment, compartments for toiletries, wet clothes, etc. and it has a slim profile so it fits in lockers well.
Come On Eileen* July 22, 2017 at 11:05 pm Planning to visit Nashville a few days before Thanksgiving, then renting a car and driving to Ft Lauderdale to spend the holiday with my cousin. On somewhat of a budget given the expenses of a flight, so looking for recommendations on where to stay that is cool but won’t break the bank. Likely going with my sister, we are both early 40s.
Nervous Accountant* July 22, 2017 at 11:09 pm Does anyone follow makeup tutorials on YouTube/instagram? I’m a makeup junkie but seems like all the makeup gurus are in their 20s, would love to see some who are in the 30+ age range.
Reba* July 23, 2017 at 6:27 am I watch Lisa Eldridge occasionally, and she does many different styles as well as videos addressing certain “issues” (aging skin, tiredness, blemishes etc.). She is a professional makeup artist so I don’t know if that is what you’re looking for, but try her!
Ron McDon* July 24, 2017 at 9:06 am I was going to suggest her, too – I remember watching some ‘older lady’ videos she did when I was looking for ideas…
Jen RO* July 23, 2017 at 10:11 am Tati Westbrook is in her 30s and I really like her tutorials and her personality.
As if* July 23, 2017 at 11:27 am Pixiwoo sisters are amazing, and are in their mid to late 30s, I think.
Cookie D'Oh* July 23, 2017 at 3:29 pm I follow Lisa Eldridge, Tati, Dominique Sacshe, Brianna Stanko. I think MakeupByTiffanyD is in her early 30s.
Mephyle* July 24, 2017 at 12:17 pm Do a YouTube search for ‘makeup 30’s’, ‘makeup 40’s’ ‘makeup over 50’, etc. There are makeup gurus who specialize in older age ranges.
Red* July 22, 2017 at 11:19 pm Oh dear lord, I just got into it on a facebook debate on a surprisingly contentious topic. Send help and wine!
Trixie* July 22, 2017 at 11:24 pm Purchased an Amazon Fire tablet on Prime Day and it’s been a fun new toy for me. I’m still working my way through creating playlists with Amazon Music and trying to download books from library.
amanda_cake* July 23, 2017 at 7:55 am My dad has one and he is really a fan of it for music. I got him on Pandora and he’s happy since he can listen to classic country. I’m thinking an Alexa for his bathroom might be my next purchase after some research.
Temperance* July 23, 2017 at 12:16 pm I wouldn’t put an Alexa in the bathroom unless it’s really spacious and has good ventilation.
Making the Move* July 22, 2017 at 11:42 pm Hi everyone! Looking for some advice about moving to the DC area. My girlfriend and I are planning to move there to better my job searching abilities (recent grad trying to find a D.C. Job), as soon as she is able to transfer to a hospital there. Does anybody have any insight as to best neighborhoods or just general need-to-knows? I haven’t been since I was in 8th grade and know next to nothing about the area! Thanks :) and happy Saturday!
Christy* July 23, 2017 at 11:21 am Are you interested in living in DC proper? What kind of neighborhood are you interested in? What kind of budget are you looking at? Do you have a car? Would you want to live with just your girlfriend or would you want to be a part of a share house?
BPT* July 23, 2017 at 4:06 pm My preferred neighborhoods: Shaw, Adams Morgan, Dupont, Logan Circle, U Street. To the South are some good neighborhoods too (Capitol Hill, Eastern Market, the SW Waterfront, Ballpark area) – I tend to feel more in the middle of things in NW, but the southern part of the city is filled with young people too. Some up-and-coming neighborhoods that would be cheaper: Petworth and NoMa. It really depends on your jobs and commute. There’s the suburbs too, but I would always recommend living in the city if you can. There’s a better mix of people, and generally people in DC are more loathe to go into Virginia. If you’re looking for jobs, sign up for the Brad Traverse and Tom Manatos websites. They’re absolutely the best for the DC area in anything government/lobbying/private sector/public policy/nonprofit related. Depending on where you’re coming from, be prepared for everything to be expensive. I assume you and your girlfriend are looking to live together without roommates. Minimum cost for a studio will be around $1400 and a one bedroom is minimum $1750/1800. If you’re looking at the newer “luxury” apartment buildings, one bedroom is minimum $2300. You may be able to find not-so-nice basement apartments for a little cheaper, but not by much. Walk as many places as you can to find your way around. Use the metro, bus, and even UberPool, which tends to be as cheap as the metro. Get involved. I know you’re moving s part of a couple, but I’ve seen this happen a few times where young couples move to DC and then don’t really go out and explore on their own. They might either just rely on each other, or fall in with the same group they went to high school/college with, which to me is not the reason you move to a city like DC. There are a million volunteer opportunities here (Smithsonian museums, national parks, walking dogs, working at homeless shelters, etc). There are a ton of social sports leagues to join. Look into the state societies – most states have one here (i.e. the North Carolina society puts on events, bbqs, watches sports games together, etc). Take advantage of the city. Go to the free museums, the Zoo, concerts in parks, movies on the lawns, drum circle in Adams Morgan, food truck fests, ice skating, Rock Creek Park, seafood at the wharf, all of it. There’s never a reason to be bored in DC. Get ready to just experience an amazing city. I love it and the longer I stay, I find the less likely I am to leave.
Reba* July 23, 2017 at 5:24 pm Not the OP but thanks for posting this! I’m also moving to DC and this comment was so encouraging.
BPT* July 23, 2017 at 8:36 pm I’m glad! Happy to answer any other questions you might have. Honestly it has its faults of course, but I can’t think of any other place I’d rather live right now.
Christy* July 24, 2017 at 11:06 am To counter this, you could live in a large but not new 2BR in the close MD suburbs for $1700 where you back to a park and are on like five bus lines 2 miles from the metro. It’s just a matter of what you want. (Maryland close-in suburbs for life!)
Miss Anne Thrope* July 23, 2017 at 6:12 pm A lot of people live in the DMV (DC, MD, VA) so the first decision is whether you want to live in DC proper or in MD or VA.
Bruce A Wayne* July 23, 2017 at 6:50 am I just want to thank you for the two book recommendations I have acted on and purchased, “The Humans” I am just finishing up and “All Our Wrong Todays”. Both sci-fi-ish and both with a dose of humor, I really liked them and they were my “travel reading” for a week or two each. Just the line or two description was enough for me and they both paid off with a laugh and a thought or two. Thank you!
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 23, 2017 at 1:39 pm Oh good! Neither of those are my typical fare, but I really liked them both.
WG* July 23, 2017 at 7:35 am I’m considering buying a Surface Pro to replace my iPad. I want to be able to use if more for spreadsheets. Thoughts on which processor and memory are best for that?
Paul* July 23, 2017 at 9:44 am I’ve tried using tablets for Excel before and I have to say I think I’d rather not try it again. It wasn’t so much the speed as the interface; trying to make a pivot table or do a countif on a touch screen sucked so hard I thought it would leave a hickey. So get the keyboard–they’re not great to type on from what I’ve felt of them but they beat a touch screen. At least 4 gigs of ram, 8 is better. I think the worst processor a surface comes with is the mobile version of the core 3 which should be all right but not great; I’d lean towards the i5 option if it’s in the budget.
WG* July 23, 2017 at 9:53 am Thanks, Paul. I’m looking at 16GB and trying to decide between i5 and i7 processors. Reading several articles from tech magazines, some say the i5 is fine for most users, but at least one article mentioned i7 is slightly better for productivity applications. I just can’t decide if the extra cost is really worth the slightly extra processing. I plan to get a keyboard and maybe the pen. Or I may wait a bit on the pen as I’m not sure if I’d really use it that much. I can always buy it later. I appreciate your suggestions.
Paul* July 23, 2017 at 10:17 am If money’s literally no object the i7 is nice…but I have an i5 with 16 gigs of ram on my desktop and I can handle fairly large spreadsheets (think up to 100k rows, a few dozen columns) without any problem.
amanda_cake* July 23, 2017 at 7:53 am After a ton of deliberation, I decided to start blogging again. I miss writing for fun. I used to have a blog with a small little audience. A lot of people I knew read it, especially since I posted pictures from events/sporting games at my small college and they had to go to the blog to view them (I dabble in photography). The blog does not have a clear focus, as none of mine have. I’m uncertain what market I will appeal to. I want to share my thoughts, photos, write about my travels (higher ed admissions is my field, so I am always on the go), knitting/crocheting/general crafts, maybe some cooking, etc. So it’s not like a specific blog that many will want to follow and I’m not sure I would want a specific blog for each thing because that’s too much to maintain. Any suggestions for making it awesome? Also, advice about wordpress plans would be helpful!
Mimmy* July 23, 2017 at 10:16 am No advice, but I’ve been thinking of starting a blog for YEARS but have been putting it off. Mine probably wouldn’t have much of a focus either (though it’d have a couple of common themes), so this makes me feel better :) I just don’t know what a good “first post” would be. I was leaning towards WordPress myself, so I’ll be following for sure.
amanda_cake* July 23, 2017 at 11:57 am My first post kinda sucks. They have one already up for you to work on as part of the template, so I just wrote a little about me and what I’d be doing with the blog. The next post that I’m pondering on is more serious, so I almost hesitate to post that ASAP because it will garner attention from people I know in person, as I would like to share with friends on Facebook and Twitter. There’s quite a few people I really should delete from my social media, but they’d notice and start drama so I have left them there. The most I have in mind has to do with a mental health problem (not any personal life details, but more of a comment that someone made and my thoughts on how that could really hurt someone).
The Other Dawn* July 23, 2017 at 12:05 pm You could set up a group for the drama people and exclude them from seeing the blog posts you share on Facebook. You could ten exclude Twitter altogether if you have to; I have no idea if Twitter has a feature comparable to Facebook in terms of excluding people.
amanda_cake* July 23, 2017 at 1:40 pm I have a facebook list called “hide” where I put those people but I haven’t utilized it as much recently. I need to.
The Other Dawn* July 23, 2017 at 10:22 am I write a blog for fun, too. I originally started it after my weight loss surgery with that audience in mind, but it’s morphed into just random life stuff: my weight loss and tummy tuck, working out, products I’ve tried and either like or don’t like, recipes I’ve tried, my cats. Stuff like that. I really don’t have an audience in mind, really, and I don’t write to gather a huge following (would be nice, but I just don’t have the motivation). I have a very small following, like less than 100 people, and that’s fine for me. Every once in awhile I toy with the idea of starting another blog that actually has a focus. I once thought about testing and reviewing recipes as a focus. And I’ll actually make them exactly as written, because it drives me bonkers to read recipe reviews and people say, “Four stars! But I added X, substituted Y, eliminated X, etc. It was delicious!” Um, that’s not the recipe. No specific advice, as I kind of feel the same way about blogging. If anything, I’d say to include pictures where you can, write conversationally and with humor, and let the passion about the subject come through.
The Other Dawn* July 23, 2017 at 10:23 am Oh, I use Blogger. I started out on WordPress, but just didn’t have the inclination to learn the ins and outs of it. Maybe it’s easier now.
amanda_cake* July 23, 2017 at 11:53 am I have used Blogger before and I think the basic WordPress is comparable to Blogger in terms of usability. I started using WordPress.com, but may end up migrating to WordPress.org. I have a free account now to see if I stick to it. I’m also thinking of owning my own domain name. That would be pretty cool.
amanda_cake* July 23, 2017 at 1:44 pm I had to do some googling to get it straight myself. WordPress.org seems to be more of a real website builder, but WordPress.com is more of a casual blog builder.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 4:57 pm I am reasonably technologically competent for an Old but still not whiz bang and I found WordPress really easy to use. I have a travel blog with lots of pictures and it has been really easy to build using one of their templates. My big breakthrough LOL was figuring out how to load 20 pictures at a time into the archive file instead of doing it one at a time.
Be the Change* July 23, 2017 at 10:02 am I hope someone is still reading! What kind of athletic shoes are popular with young men these days? I need to buy a pair for a kid who will be a senior in high school and I want to get him something that he at least won’t be embarrassed by, if I can do it without spending hundreds of dollars. I wish I’d drawn a six-year old, ha!
Kristen* July 23, 2017 at 10:35 am Hmm not sure. Is it possible to do a gift card to Famous or another shoe store? Shoes can run so wild as far as sizing goes and some people are picky about the look of the shoe.
Dead Quote Olympics* July 23, 2017 at 11:37 am Yeah, this is tough. You’d have to know a lot about the person: are they a skateboarder? Are they hyper aware of street wear trends or not? I second the gift card to somewhere that has a decent variety because this is a fashion minefield. If they want something expensive, a gift card gives them a great foundation for saving up or pitching in their own money. Speaking as the parent of a 19 year old man who is very picky about his shoewear (he wanted a pair of Comme Des Garçons Converse High Tops for Christmas in his senior year; I never could have picked those without explicit help).
Be the Change* July 23, 2017 at 11:51 am This is one of those fill the backpack things. Maybe Nikes and include a gift receipt so he can exchange if he doesn’t like them.
Dead Quote Olympics* July 23, 2017 at 2:30 pm Then I agree with others that nikes, converse, and addidas old school plus receipt are safer bets.
Pat Benetardis* July 23, 2017 at 2:13 pm If they’re just for wearing and not focused on a specific sport, converse and vans are very popular. Also the old-school white leather adidas with black stripes.
Rebecca* July 23, 2017 at 10:31 am So, we’re mostly through July, and I just pulled out my water buffalo sandals, got them wet, and am slogging around in them. Better late than never, I guess! I am going to give tie dying a shot. Haven’t done this since I was in Girl Scouts, so I bought a Tulip One Step Tie Dye Kit plus a separate bottle of black dye, so I’ll have yellow, red, violet, blue, green and black, and bought a pack of men’s white 100% cotton shirts and a sleeveless shirt, so I have 4 things so far lined up. The Tulip instructions say you don’t have to soak in soda ash solution first, but I might anyway. Oh, and soda ash is sodium carbonate, the same stuff I use in the laundry and for the e-tank for cleaning cast iron. I realized this when I searched for soda ash for tie dying, and a 1 pound pack was something like $6.99, and I zoomed in on the ingredients. Same as the $3.97 giant box of washing soda I get at Walmart…and it’s over 2 lbs! We had a really hard rain storm here yesterday, and an old willow tree came crashing down, finally, and it fell just right – no damage to anything! When it gets cooler, it should be easy enough to clean up, but for right now, no harm no foul (I live in the country so no big deal and no stressed out neighbors to contend with). I need to make soap again, as I’m getting low on my supply, but it’s been so hot and humid I think I’m going to put it off for cooler days. I’m hoping to take a week off from work to recharge over Labor Day, so maybe then. I’m making progress with finding homes for my Dad’s antique vehicles, slowly but surely, people lined up for a few of them, nothing actually “gone” yet but I have help now and that’s making things easier. I hate to see these things go, but it has to be done. Mom is very challenging. She is 81, and refuses to do anything technology driven, like online banking. I begged her to set up an online account for her checking account in case she is incapacitated and I need to pay the bills (I have power of attorney). She has some things taken out of the account automatically, but not all, and she writes these things down on an old envelope and gets statements in the mail…OMG…and then uses the paper statement she receives in the mail to balance everything. I said, Mom, you know it would be much easier if I could handle it by using online banking to see what was coming out, etc. because if something is missed in the mail, the checkbook won’t be right, and she said that’s what the paper statement is for, to double check. I told her with working full time, taking care of my own life, and then her stuff if something happens, that it would be too time consuming for me…but no. Ugh. We went around and around, she won’t budge, so whatever. If something happens and she can’t pay the bills, I will set up the online system because there is no way I’ll have time to keep track of all that mail, opening things, finding the scrap envelope, etc. She thinks someone will steal her information. Like getting statements in the mail isn’t a prime way for that to happen!! Anyway, other than Mom being Mom and driving me crazy, I guess things are going as good as they can at this time.
Tris Prior* July 23, 2017 at 12:33 pm I had to set up online banking for my mom when she was hospitalized years ago and unable to handle her finances. She HATED every minute of it. She thinks that if you use the Internet for anything financial you immediately get identity theft; I tried explaining secure websites to her but she doesn’t know anything about computers so it didn’t help. She was terrified that her accounts were all going to immediately get cleaned out, and angry with me for not being willing to do it her way – which is basically your mom’s way. I feel your pain. They can be so stubborn – and, I hate to say it this way, but once they get to a certain age they honestly do not care that they’re making our lives more difficult by insisting that we not use a system that’s easier for us.
OldMom* July 23, 2017 at 7:42 pm As an older person, I had to chuckle at your description of your mom: this is called “balancing your checkbook” and is/was SOP for anyone with a checking account until about 20 years ago. Even now it is probably easier and less time consuming than going online for someone accustomed to doing it that way. I’m not paranoid about online access but if you have a secure mailbox, us mail is still safer than anything online. That said if you have power of attorney you could just go ahead and set up online access yourself and she can still get her paper statements. She can use her method and you can monitor the use, best of both worlds. Also you could add your name to her accounts. I hear it can help avoid difficulties with probate in the long run.
Blue Eagle* July 23, 2017 at 10:40 pm I agree with OldMom. If you can, try to convince your Mom to go to the bank with you and add your name to the account. You don’t need new checks or anything, just add your name (so that you can do her banking for her). Believe it or not, your power of attorney will likely NOT be accepted by her bank. I tried it for my Mom for 3 different banks and none of them allowed me to use it. Of course, you can take them to court to force them to accept your power of attorney, but believe me it will be much easier for you all around if your Mom would agree for you to be added to the accounts. Am sending positive thoughts and energy your way so that your Mom will agree to this.
Ron McDon* July 24, 2017 at 9:16 am My mum is nearly 77, and there is no way I would be able to get her to agree to online banking. She is absolutely convinced that all her money would immediately be stolen by a hacker. It is difficult for us that grew up with technology and computers to understand how frightening all that stuff can be for older people who did not grow up around it and don’t understand it. My dad is 79 and uses a computer – quite well I must add! But he would not do online banking as he would be worried about hackers. I am afraid your Mom is probably just too old and set in her ways to change. It is hard trying to juggle your own life, perhaps a family of your own, and elderly parents – I don’t have any sage advice to make it better, just my sympathy!
Be the Change* July 23, 2017 at 10:34 am Also that is an adorable picture of Eve and I am craving to tickle her little paws!
Ask a Manager* Post authorJuly 23, 2017 at 1:41 pm That is Olive! And it’s a trap. She does that to lure people in.
Be the Change* July 23, 2017 at 2:13 pm Right, Eve is the gray kitten, oops! Lol, I thought it might be a lure.
Saturnalia* July 23, 2017 at 2:44 pm I’d walk happily into that trap :-) I have been known to do silly things for the sake of some jellybeantoes tho…
Belle di Vedremo* July 23, 2017 at 3:40 pm She is gorgeous, looks adorable, and I believe you about that being a trap! (I love seeing your cat photos every week, even if I rarely say so. )
The Other Dawn* July 23, 2017 at 10:38 am My poor kitty came home from the vet yesterday wearing a party hat, and she’s not liking it. Leia’s tail had a bump on it last Monday and I assumed it was a scab from either scratching too vigorously or getting into a scrap with one of the others. As the week went on, her tail started swelling, but she wasn’t acting sick or in pain and she could move it. Friday she cried every time I touched it and wouldn’t let me check it, so off to the vet she went. Turns out it was an abscess that hadn’t ruptured yet and she had a 105 degree temperature (normal for a cat is around 100). They had to surgically drain it and then install a drain tube, which she came home with. I have to do hot compresses twice a day and she has to wear the cone of shame until Wednesday when she goes back for a checkup. Oh, and they said her teeth were bad again (genetics, unfortunately) so she had to have another dental cleaning while she was sedated for the abscess and they extracted one tooth. And now my check engine light is on in my car and it’s hesitating when I first start out from a stop. Fabulous. Trying to decide if I want to take it to the auto parts store to have them scan it (it’s free) or have my husband buy a code scanner, since we’ll likely use it again at some point. Thankfully my husband can work on cars, so I’m hoping it’s something he can fix and this isn’t something really big and expensive. Just whining. No question.
Cookie D'Oh* July 23, 2017 at 3:22 pm Aww, poor kitty. My big tabby boy had surgery for an abcess a few months ago. We think the little black cat (half his size) bit him and it got infected. I feel bad I didn’t notice it earlier, but cats are way too good at hiding when they are in pain. He had a high fever too and spent a few days in the hospital. We ended up getting a flexible cone that was more comfortable than the hard plastic. Hope she heals up quickly!
Belle di Vedremo* July 23, 2017 at 3:43 pm Aww, poor kitty. Tiny Kittens Unite readers have been trying out paper plates instead of the cones with what sounds like success. Much more comfortable for the cat, easy and inexpensive, and does the trick, they say. Cut an X in the center of the plate big enough to get over her head and slide it on.
Purple snowdrop* July 23, 2017 at 10:47 am I just looked at the list of reasons you can get divorced in the UK. It looks highly likely I’m going to be married to him for two years after I leave and probably five, unless he’s a hell of a lot more reasonable about the whole thing than I think he’ll be. I highly doubt that he’ll do anything to make it easier for me. I feel sick.
fposte* July 23, 2017 at 11:19 am Purple, I really suggest you talk to a lawyer rather than catastrophizing from what’s online. I’m pretty sure most divorces in the UK (you’re in the UK, right?) are done under unreasonable behavior and not desertion, and it’s fairly pro forma. Even if it’s contested it’s likely to be done in under 5 years. Now the hard truth is that with a shared child you’re likely to be in each other’s life for far more than five years, but even if you do decide that the five-year separation is the way to go, it’s still a *separation*–you’re not leading a married life with the guy in the meantime. You’ll be okay.
caledonia* July 23, 2017 at 11:21 am I second fposte. The internet is a great resource but in some cases, such as this one and medical symptoms is not helpful. Maybe go to your local women’s centre/CAB to get a list of solicitors and work from there.
Purple snowdrop* July 23, 2017 at 11:38 am I think he’ll argue that his behaviour is in no way unreasonable, and I’m fairly sure that a) it doesn’t meet the legal criteria for coercive control and b) if I say he’s unreasonable he’ll immediately scale up about 1000000x. But you’re totally right and that’s exactly what the women’s aid caseworker said to me this week. I will try and divert myself from spiralling, if nothing else because he’ll be home soon. Thank you both.
caledonia* July 23, 2017 at 11:49 am You think is not “I know”. You can’t know these things for sure until you set the actual chain of events in motion. Maybe he will be the jerk you think he will but maybe it won’t be awful. Who knows? Are you in counselling? Because spiralling is not healthy.
Purple snowdrop* July 23, 2017 at 12:03 pm I am :) I really, really hope he isn’t. Scary thing is that I suspect he’ll be reasonable for a few months and then… stop. Ok. I’m done.
Ramona Flowers* July 23, 2017 at 2:00 pm It’s good that you’re in touch with WA. Have you been able to talk to them much about your worries? Mumsnet’s Relationships board could be helpful – they know a lot about this stuff. Also have a link gone to moderation for a legal advice organisation.
Ramona Flowers* July 23, 2017 at 1:58 pm Hey, these people may be able to advise you: http://rightsofwomen.org.uk
Purple snowdrop* July 23, 2017 at 5:07 pm Ooh hadn’t got that link before. Will check it out. Thank you. And yes women’s aid are fab.
GingerofOz* July 23, 2017 at 10:50 am I”m less than a week away from adopting my first cat (and first pet that isn’t a family pet!). I think I’m fully prepared – but what am I not thinking about (so obvious things like get a litter box – done)
The Other Dawn* July 23, 2017 at 11:02 am Actually, two litter boxes. The rule is usually one more box that the number of cats. It matters more with multiple cats, though, so you could see how it goes first. Some like to poop in one box and pee in the other. Prissy little things. Good litter. I like Precious Cat, because it’s nearly dust-free. Toys, a bed plus one of those cheap fleece throw blankets (my kitties LOVE them), maybe a cat tree placed near a window. Do you have houseplants? Google to see if they’re poisonous to cats. Also, put them somewhere where they can’t be knocked over or chewed on. Cats are the reason I can’t have plants. Plus I’m a plant killer anyway. Good luck!
Sibley* July 23, 2017 at 8:41 pm If possible, have a vet lined up for a checkup once you get him/her. Yes, the shelter should do it. No, don’t rely on them. Probably a week or 2 in is fine, unless they look sick then ASAP. Also, try to be around but not in their face for a while, so they can get used to you.
Mimmy* July 23, 2017 at 11:40 am Ahh getting older is so much fun…. not. When you’re younger, you think that everything will work smoothly and that you’ll feel good for your entire life no matter what you eat or how much you exercise. Eating well and exercise isn’t always fun so I figured “eh…another time, I’m good!” Now I’m beginning to regret that mindset: – I’m not obese by any means, but my fat is mainly around my abdomen and hips, and I think it’s now catching up to me. I can’t stand for more than a couple of minutes without my outer hip hurting (around the bony area you feel at the very top of your leg). Sitting at the computer probably isn’t helping either. I am attending a show in Atlantic City in 3 weeks–our seats are close, and I know that there will be lots of standing and dancing. Man, I do NOT want to be on my romp the entire time – that’ll suck. – I have other musculoskeletal issues too that may or may not be related – I’ve been monitoring my blood sugar for a few years now, and I think that’s starting to get a little out of hand. But that’s my own doing – I let my husband get me treats and let him eat his treats. We have been using Blue Apron, so that’s been somewhat helpful with cutting down on processed foods since they only supply fresh foods with the meals. I’ve recently re-instated my gym membership. Now it’s a matter of getting off my tush and going. I’m wondering, however, if I should get the musculoskeletal issues checked out to make sure I don’t have any underlying problems that could lead to injury. No, I’m not making excuses to not go – for me, it’s better safe than sorry. Hopefully it’s not too late to turn this ship around.
Mimmy* July 23, 2017 at 11:42 am Whoops – I should clarify that the hip issue is only my right side, which is weird. You’d think that extra abdominal weight would cause discomfort on BOTH sides.
Observer* July 23, 2017 at 12:11 pm Which is one reason to talk to your doctor about this – it’s probably NOT just the weight.
The Other Dawn* July 23, 2017 at 1:07 pm I agree with Observer. Don’t start the gym until you get checked out. You don’t want to injure yourself further or create other problems.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 5:32 pm This could be a strained or ripped muscle or dislocated hip or any number of things. It does not have to be on both sides and it does not have to be from weight. Echoing what others are saying, please do not exercise until you know what this is.
blackcat* July 23, 2017 at 6:25 pm +1 as someone with a hip issue that gets much WORSE with exercise if I don’t do my physical therapy exercises. And, FWIW, I am a thin & youngish (29 now, 23 when diagnosed) with a hip problem. Hip problems are not necessarily related to age and weight. See a doc.
Really* July 23, 2017 at 12:07 pm Since it’s just one side it wouldn’t hurt to get it checked out. Although you can have “ordinary” aging issues that only present in one area.
Kate in Scotland* July 23, 2017 at 12:11 pm Get it checked, I had something that sounds quite similar recently (and it HURT) but my physio said it was just that my glutes had got a bit weak and after a few weeks of doing the (fairly undemanding) exercises she suggested, I only have very minimal twinges of pain, a big improvement. I wouldn’t have had any idea what to focus on without her though. I’d had a couple of massages and was thinking it was an ergonomic problem with how I was sitting.
Paul* July 23, 2017 at 4:29 pm getting old sucks it beats the alternative. Been to a few too many funerals for 20 and 30 somethings lately. But I hear you. And oh god the healing takes longer. Getting over beign hurt or sick takes 2x as long as it used to. I don’t like this.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 5:02 pm Old age is not for sissies. I was planning on sticking around to 95 or so and my husband has a disability that really makes it important that I stay healthy and able to do critical things that he can’t do, so I was upset to discover that my kidney function has dramatically declined. Not a crisis yet but not good and the sort of thing that doesn’t suggest one will be sticking around till 95 or so. Apparently use of ibuprofen which I have used not constantly but often for arthritis is hell on kidneys; so now I have no pain killers that work and have to worry about this getting worse as it tends to do.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 5:35 pm You might want to check out glucosamine or willow bark for your arthritis. I have also had very good luck for temporary relief with peppermint oil. A drop or two on your finger tip and apply where the pain is.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 7:18 pm Thanks. I didn’t get much out of glucosamine but now that I can’t use Nsaids, I’ll have to revisit that.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 9:18 pm Be picky about the brand some are better than others. Willow bark is pretty amazing also, it helps with inflammation so even if it did not help with the arthritis you could use it on an ear ache or a bad bruise. It really helped a friend with swelling because of a broken toe. If you decide to try the willow bark, the double strength is not that much different than the regular except for the price. So save your money and stick with the regular strength. It’s about $10-$12 here.
Mimmy* July 24, 2017 at 10:37 am I’m always getting bruises from bumping into things, so I may have to try that. (Sorry, I know I’m not Artemesia, but that caught my attention)
Sibley* July 23, 2017 at 12:55 pm It’s warm and humid outside, so combined with me moving around, I’m hot. However, hopefully getting a guy to come buy the firepit (or whatever the heck it is) and get it out of my back yard. I can’t move it, I tried. But need to go measure it for him.
Paul* July 23, 2017 at 4:17 pm Nice! I’ll never forget a friend of mine that stopped smoking right before a camping trip. I think I was ready to lose him on a hike on day 3–was ut terly miserable and crabby. Making it through those withdrawls must take guts.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 7:19 pm but great strategy. You might of course kill your hiking partner, but there is nowhere you are going to get cigarettes once in the deep woods.
bunanza* July 23, 2017 at 5:59 pm Well done!! That must feel amazing. My mom also quit smoking about a year ago, and it’s been incredible to see the difference in her mood and her health. I hope the same proves true for you!
dear liza dear liza* July 23, 2017 at 2:20 pm Why are so many people bad at small talk? I’m so tired of having to carry the emotional labor of talking with people I don’t know well. Recent example: We have neighbors who have a very large social network and a few times this summer we’ve gone over for barbeques. The only people we knew were the hosts, but that’s fine, I’m not an extrovert but I can play one. But I always have to initiate conversations with people (they never start), and it’s always me asking question after question with the other people never bothering to reciprocate. Me: ‘Oh, you went to the beach! Was it fun?” Stranger #1: “oh yes, we went to Beach X, and it was great.” Me: “I went to Beach X back in 2009 and really enjoyed the boardwalk. Is it still around?” Stranger #1: “I’m not sure, we didn’t check out the boardwalk.” Brief silence. Stranger #2: “Stranger #1, did Missy and Bob go with you? How’s Bob’s father-in-law doing?” Conversation about people I don’t know ensues, while I sit there. Eventually, I wander over to another group, and the process repeats itself. I don’t think these people hate me, are trying to be rude,or anything intentionally bad- it’s just that it’s so much easier to talk with people you know and have a background with. In my area, most people know each other through work or church. I sat through a *long* conversation about whether the new pastor was as good as the last one, waiting to see if there would be an opening for me to add anything. Nope. I told Mr. Henry we need to take a break from these bbq’s because I just don’t have it in me to do this too often.
Ramona Flowers* July 23, 2017 at 3:17 pm No advice, just sympathy – some people are just super inconsiderate and thoughtless. Which is definitely a reflection on them and not you. I’m remembering the time I went stag to a friend’s wedding where there was no seating plan, which might sound nice and informal but kind of gave me flashbacks to school lunch rooms. I’m normally quite good at making small talk but my goodness this was excruciating. One-word answers with no follow-up. So. Awkward.
Elkay* July 23, 2017 at 3:55 pm If I’m trying to take the lead with small talk I feel like I’m running an interrogation because everything comes out as a question.
Paul* July 23, 2017 at 4:18 pm I mean…..if I’m like that it means I’m praying something like “oh god please leave where’s my wife or someone I know well I can hide with can I nod and smile and hide yet oh god”. Those of us that don’t d small talk just really don’t like it.
dear liza dear liza* July 23, 2017 at 4:52 pm I’m not being snotty here, but how do you talk to people you don’t know in social settings, then? Or do you just.. not?
Paul* July 23, 2017 at 4:57 pm Briefly. I talk to them briefly. It’s…I guess a continuum? the larger the event/the more people aroudn the short the conversation.
Mimmy* July 23, 2017 at 5:40 pm I’m not very good at small talk myself, but when I do attempt it, I feel like Elkay in that I’m just asking questions to try to get something going. Sometimes I get lucky and get into an interesting conversation. Honestly, I think part of it is the growth of social media, where many people communicate via their mobile devices or computers.
emma2* July 23, 2017 at 5:49 pm Also providing sympathy. I’m an introvert who doesn’t love big, social events…but if I end up in one, I make it a point to be inclusive and somewhat interesting to the people around me. It’s not a big deal to carry this on for a minimum of 3-5 minutes, so I think the bbq guests were being a drag. For all practical purposes – it’s not a reflection on you and I just wouldn’t sweat it (and next time you end up in an event like that, pretend your cat got sick or something and leave).
..Kat..* July 23, 2017 at 2:50 pm Help. I bought an LectroFan micro, but can’t get it to work. I charged it up. I do a long press on the left button, and it turns on (beeping and blue light visible). I do short press on left button (for ‘play’), and nothing happens. I try long press on middle button to increase volume, because maybe it is playing, but at a low volume, but still nothing. I try short pressing the left button for various lengths of time (because maybe my short press is not the perfect amount of short), still nothing. A long press of the left button, and it turns off (beeping and blue light gone). Am I doing something wrong? Or did I get a defective one?
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 5:45 pm Found the owner’s manual online. Why not do a hard reset and see if things improve. “RESETTING LECTROFAN MICRO During normal use, LectroFan micro should not need to be reset. If you wish to perform a hard reset, press the Power Button and hold it for 15 seconds. A tone will confirm that the system has been reset and a fan sound will begin to play.”
overeducated* July 23, 2017 at 4:34 pm I’m looking for a new swimsuit online, as I’m going on a trip to a lake later in the week and no longer feel the right age or shape for my 9 year old, revealing bikini. And BOY are current fashions unflattering for a short woman with a small chest and a not small stomach! High-necked tops and high-waisted bottoms! If I were designing the worst possible looking suit for myself, it would involve one or both of those. And the less “fashionable” suits seem to be either “sexy” string bikinis or “modest” tankini/shorts/dress type things, the first of which I really don’t want, and the second of which might make me feel more self-consciously “old” and “unfit” than I need. No wonder I haven’t bought a new one in 9 years! Recommendations, anyone? I’m hoping to spend under $50.
Artemesia* July 23, 2017 at 5:06 pm Have you looked at things like lands end that do the infinite number of separates? e.g. everything from tankini tops to bikini tops and skirts and shorts to boyshorts to briefs to bikini bottoms etc. Great for people like me with mismatched tops and bottoms (they also have different body lengths in one piece suits) A one piece might be flattering with the right cut — but at any rate, the variety of mix and match makes it possible to go for the best look you can get.
It happens* July 23, 2017 at 5:30 pm Target tends to have a decent low-price selection for not-unfashionable tankinis, one pieces and bikinis. I have also heard very good things about LLBean and Lands’ End, at higher price points; but if you need it this week, it’s Target in person. Good luck and have a fun trip.
Natalie* July 23, 2017 at 6:13 pm Have you looked at vintage style suits? They won’t work for swimming laps, but if your primary goal is to look cute on a boat or whatever they’re great. And they often have ruching, etc to help disguise a large belly. (I carry weight like Homer flippin’ Simpson so I feel you on that.) I got one from Unique Vintage (online) a couple of years back, and there are other companies as well, just google “vintage style swimsuit” or similar.
Anxa* July 23, 2017 at 6:19 pm I feel you, but with a different body shape. I’m more self-conscious of my bikini line than my size, but it’s very hard to find a suit that covers that area. Even the boy short styles tend to be a bit cheeky or are too loose (exposure risk) or wedgie a lot. Or they are low rise. I’d like to find a modest swimsuit that doesn’t look … overtly modest. I’m not 20 anymore and while I can’t pinpoint what’s exactly changed, I still don’t feel super comfortable exposed. But I have a pretty slim shape overall and also don’t want to get hot, so the suits targeted for religously modesty, older ladies (with the skirts), or the more powerful shaping don’t really suit me either. Honestly, I think part of the promise is more that so many suits just seem so flimsy. I need something with a little structure or integrity and some fuller coverage.
Anxa* July 23, 2017 at 6:24 pm problem* Also, I find that a lot of suits are either made for being water adjacent or just splashing around OR are like Speedo racing suites (super tight, uncomfortable, revealing, painful over time). I used to really like a lot of surf company suits as they stayed on best in the actual water, but these days its hard to find them that feels more suited for a 30-something.
CheeryO* July 24, 2017 at 12:02 pm This is so not a perfect solution, but as someone who is generally thin but is not a fan of the whole exposed buttcheek thing, I’ve had good luck with athletic compression shorts (3″ length). I pair those with a fuller coverage bathing suit top (either a tankini or the currently trendy high neck style).
Lightly-chewed Jimmy* July 23, 2017 at 4:39 pm House design: does anyone have any good resources to share? At some point in the next few years I’d like to build, so I’d like to have an idea of what I want in a house. I’d involve a professional at the actual design stage but I’d like a solid sense of must/nice/never -haves and layouts that appeal, as well as all the little things that are needed but that I know I’m not thinking of when I draw boxes on paper.
Really* July 23, 2017 at 6:11 pm Before building my house 30+ yrs ago I looked at a lot of books of house plans. There are many on line options for this like House of the Week. They even have plans for sale if you find something you like. You can filter the choices to look for ideas based on what you know you want like number of bedrooms, first floor master, etc.
TootsNYC* July 23, 2017 at 7:06 pm have a mudroom. or something similar. I recently toured the Jumel Mansion and Alexander Hamilton’s The Grange in upper Manhattan. And what lovely room sizes, layouts, ceiling heights! Both houses just felt so welcoming (especially the Grange!) And Teddy Roosevelt’s Sagamore Hill in Oyster Bay, Long Island (NY). I’ve joked that if I were designing houses now, those are the ones I’d be Grange, but I could do that! (the Grange, and even Jumel, would be inexpensive to build because they’re essentially rectangles. Jumel has an octagonal dining room, but the roof structures aren’t complicated) Also, look at a Sarah Susanka’s “Not So Big House” for input as well.
fposte* July 23, 2017 at 7:35 pm You might have a look at Sarah Susanka’s The Not So Big House and some of her subsequent titles, which talks about how people tend to use houses and what design elements tend to satisfy.
Hey, Marcela* July 23, 2017 at 5:32 pm When I lived in that city, we used to joke that if you didn’t like the weather to just wait a minute… There’s a lot going on there, and there’s a lot in reasonable driving range. Hope you’re finding some fun things to do too, and that there’s a bit more light in your life. Belle di Vedremo
Marcela* July 24, 2017 at 5:45 am Hey Belle, that’s a goid way of thinking about it! I am starting to live, meet people and get used to things. I started hunting for my apartment and I’ll go back to CA in less than a month to get my belongings, which are still in his house. I hope that’s not going to be as horrible as it seems now. Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts.
Belle di Vedremo* July 24, 2017 at 6:05 pm Hope you’re also paying attention to the suggestions for adjusting to New Hampshire climate, driving, warm wear, etc. And I hope that you have a friend who can go with you to pick up your stuff in CA, so you don’t have to do it alone.
glor* July 23, 2017 at 6:36 pm So… I just received my SSI application forms, or at least part of them — the function reports. I really, really don’t want to do this, but I have to remember to fill them out as if it were my worst day… And then I have an Unavoidable Meeting with my case worker on Friday. I also have to find a good SSI lawyer in my area… how do I do that? Basically: overwhelmed disabled glor is overwhelmed.
Sam Foster* July 23, 2017 at 7:31 pm I have nothing useful to share so will say “good luck” and hope that you are able to get through this successfully.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 9:33 pm Why do you need a lawyer? Perhaps you had a previous claim denied? I helped my husband fill out his disability forms. It took us probably 8-10 hours working together. That was the worst of it. What helped us was I made sure we filled in absolutely as much as possible. I filled in every address and every phone number, I did not leave anything blank that I could fill out on my own. As you say, it was EXHAUSTING. I thought I was going to end up sick from the process. The case worker later said she was wowed by how well filled out the form was and we saved her HOURS of work. (No doubt in my mind.) His approval went right through. There were many reasons including the well filled in form. Some of that was because my husband’s social security number showed years of paying in to the system, which led to some credibility. The other thing was his age. The older a person is the more that works in their favor. His caseworker agreed to meet by phone. That worked really well also. The case worker was very nice. She actually seem to want to help. Maybe this will go better than you think?
Carmen Sandiego JD* July 23, 2017 at 7:31 pm Another post X/ The SO’s mother was exhausted and tired of just *stuff*–losing a job, financial stuff, and had lunch with SO’s brother who apparently talked only about himself. SO’s mother then left for a few days and hasn’t said where she is and when she’ll be back, and my SO is worried. SO’s mother is rather feline, she’s sharp and does things when she’s ready. But he’s studying for a license exam and this is *not* what he needs right now. SO’s mother is perfectly healthy save a chronic condition (think: lupus/similar, milder sort). What would you do? I suggested installing Life360 app to track missing members later, but I’m at a loss for…stuff…
The Cosmic Avenger* July 23, 2017 at 8:54 pm I don’t know that there’s much he can or should do. If asking her to check in doesn’t work, then things like tracking apps will probably be resisted and cause resentment the first time they’re noticed, which will usually be the first few times or so that they’re used, because one of those times he’ll probably have to make it clear that he was tracking her somehow. I had to talk my dad into wearing the fall alert pendant that I went and got and set up for him, and then he sent it back maybe a month later. Months after that he was found dead on his bathroom floor. He didn’t want help, he didn’t want to move closer, he didn’t want to live in a senior living development. I figure, at least he was happy living his life for a few months; even if I could have harassed him into something different, we both would have been miserable. Of course, it depends on your SO’s relationship with his mom, but she sounds kind of like my dad. Enough that I think the advice might help him reframe his concern as something he can worry about, but it’s not his place to fix or manage. Sometimes reframing a worry that way makes it easier to deal with.
Alec Bings* July 23, 2017 at 9:45 pm Send a text and ask for confirmation that all is well. Then accept that she’s an adult who, by your own admission, is very self-directed. The app sounds very invasive to me, although admittedly I don’t know anything about it.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 9:54 pm Do you know if she has her cell with her? He could text her and say if she does not answer by x time, he is going to the police station to file a report. But really, she is an adult. As long as she is competent, I think just wait for her to bubble to the surface. This is one of two things, a) attention seeking behavior or b) she actually wants time out. Either way, the answer is the same. I would give her a few days before having any reaction at all. This goes into the big question of how much do parents owe their adult children in regards to checking in. I say it is whatever the two people agree on. If one person changes their mind on that agreement, then the agreement is broken and a new agreement should be made. I had an older aunt who missed her daily check-in with me. (She had lost her entire immediate family and had a very serious illness. Lots of tragedy going on.) This was a person who called five minutes BEFORE the agreed time so I would not worry. One day she was FOUR hours late. Now, everything else with this relationship was great, we were on good terms, we respected each other and so on. It was just this one incident. I will never find out what happened. Another family member and I worked together to find her. Once we found her we used humor to say what we needed to say. “These kids these days! They tell you they will call and then they don’t!” We went on and on in this manner, until all of us were laughing. Later she thanked me for letting her keep her dignity and she said I had made my point. I never asked where she was. I just asked if she was okay. She never missed another check in after that.
nep* July 23, 2017 at 9:04 pm Today noticed dusty smudges of paw prints from recently deceased kitty on stretcher (right term?) of a table in the house. Not gonna wipe them off.
Not So NewReader* July 23, 2017 at 9:36 pm Dog nose prints on the window. Left them there for weeks. Cried all over again when I finally cleaned them. I’m sorry for your loss.
Trixie* July 23, 2017 at 9:48 pm I wouldn’t either. If I found last dusty paw prints from deceased kitty (love of my life), I would have smiled then muttered, “Punk, still leaving a mess for me to clean.” We had that kind of relationship :)
Trixie* July 23, 2017 at 9:50 pm I just remembered this particular cat chewed paper, loved clean edges. Bond paper, books, CHECKS, Cd covers, book covers. I love rediscovering things he’s nibbled on.
Williams syndrome* July 23, 2017 at 10:14 pm I used to work with adults with developmental disabilities – we had one client with Williams syndrome who had many of the traits mentioned in the article including the inability to remember people’s names. He was pretty consistent in using the same wrong names for people but his mom once wrote a Christmas card to the man who drove him to the program every day only to learn that her son had his name completely wrong. Our client had a habit of ripping pages out of the books he always carried around with him and he often convinced me to help him fix them up – which I did with no complaint for awhile because he was usually so friendly.
Bibliovore* July 23, 2017 at 10:55 pm Home renovation woe. Our new kitchen floor. It is porcelain 8X8 tiles. Is it unreasonable to expect that the floor be level? The contractor placed a cement underfloor. What is reasonable?
Not So NewReader* July 24, 2017 at 8:55 pm The floor should be level once he is done. I will assume you mean the floor is done and it is NOT level. I can see why this MIGHT happen. I have an old house. The center of the house sank 6 inches. This means that one side of the kitchen was six inches lower than the other side. My friend/contractor jacked the house from underneath. That was scary. I said, “Stop when you start to get uncomfortable.” I did not want any cracked walls or other problems. He jacked three inches and stopped. To me, I can see a huge difference. But if you drop anything vaguely round on the floor it always goes to the same wall. Likewise with spills, they all flow the same way. That is because the floor is still off by 3 inches. My friend and I agreed to this BEFORE he put in the new kitchen floor (plywood and then linoleum on top of it). So no surprises going on there for me. I knew upfront that my floor would still be lower by 3 inches on one side of the room. And I okayed that because further jacking could have run into some serious repair money as sheet rock cracked and other problems came up. Perhaps you mean that the individual tiles are not laying evenly as in some tiles stick up higher than other tiles. This would be a huge no-no. If your floor could not be leveled, you should have been told before the work was started that ceramic tiles might be a problem. It sounds like you have a whole new subfloor that the tiles were placed on. So individual tiles should be level with each other and the entire floor should be level. People who are used to doing this work can do it by eyeball, they just double check with levels for a mere formality. Overall , it is totally reasonable to expect a floor to be level UNLESS the contractor discusses a problem with you before hand and tells you the floor won’t be level for X reason. A good contractor will discourage you from making bad choices given your setting and they will explain why.
Ron McDon* July 25, 2017 at 9:18 am My husband is in construction, 100% agree with everything you said :)