weekend free-for-all – September 23-24, 2017

by Alison Green on September 23, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: A Year in Provence, by Peter Mayle. A charming and funny account of a year spent living in rural France. Much pastis is drunk.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        They seem pretty adjusted, I think. We’ve been debating whether they like having a big house to roam or whether they prefer a smaller, cozier space. I think maybe it’s the latter since cats like small, enclosed spaces, but they do seem pretty settled in here now. (Although occasionally if one is on a different floor from the rest of us, they’ll cry sadly until we call them. Olive chose to do this at 4 a.m. this morning.)

        2. Turtlewings*

          Our cats used to do that too, and our house wasn’t even that big! It always baffled and amused me. Like, cat, if you want to come in here with us, no one’s stopping you. You don’t have to wait for an invitation.

        3. Ramona Flowers*

          We call that “singing the song of my people” thanks to Sad Cat Diaries (which is well worth YouTubing).

    4. BlueShedSurvived!*

      Looks like a cats paradise: large windows, cat tower and beds front and center.

      My sons rescue cat’s favorite spot it on a small table in front the big living room window. If we had a cat tower we’d put it right in front.

  2. Blue Eagle*

    I just finished reading The Nightingale and am currently reading The Last Goodnight by Howard Blum, both really good reads related to WWII. The first is historical fiction set in France based on a woman who led allied aviators via an underground railroad to safety in Spain. The second is nonfiction, but an engaging read, of the story of Betty Pack “a dazzling American debutante who became of the WWII’s most successful Allied spies”.

    What did you just finish reading that you enjoyed?

    1. Pam*

      Sarah Rees Brennan’s In Other Lands. A charming fantasy about an unlikable boy who goes to a magic land, turning both itself and him upside down.

      1. Book Lover*

        I liked her fanfic but couldn’t get into her first published book. This sounds good – will get it from library :)

    2. SophieChotek*

      I read TheNightingale and remember enjoying it.

      Just finished four books by Ashley Weaver – 1930s British/Europe mysteries – wealthy couple (Milo and Amory Ames) solve mysteries. Reviewers compare to “Nick and Nora”. Fun reads, nothing heavy. First book is Murder at Brightwell I think.

    4. Kali*

      Underground Airlines by Ben Winters. It takes place in present day time, but in an alternate reality where slavery was never outlawed. Very, very good!

      1. The IT Manager*

        Oh! That’s rapidly rising to the top of my pile.

        I recently really enjoyed One of Us Is Lying. Present day breakfast club where one of the breakfast club is murdered and the others are under suspicion.

    5. Portia*

      I just finished Donna Tartt’s The Secret History last night. I loved it! I had never been interested in reading it, especially since I really didn’t like The Goldfinch, but man, I’m glad I did. The Secret History is a pretty amazing book.

    6. Ms Ida*

      I just finished Churchill’s Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare: The Mavericks Who Plotted Hitler’s Defeat by Giles Milton, non-fiction about the people that developed “ungentlemanly” weapons and sabotage programs during WWII. It was very engaging and an east read, I enjoyed it very much and it was an interesting follow up to my last book Clementine: The Life of Mrs. Winston Churchill by Sonia Purnell.I am usually more of a fiction reader but I really enjoyed both of these books.

    7. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I recently finished “a tale for the time being” by Ruth ozeki and really enjoyed it. A woman on a small island near Vancouver finds a sort of diary, and so you have the typical parallel stories thing between the journaling character and the reader and then there’s some other elements thrown in.

    10. Caledonia*

      Eleanir Oliphant is completely fine by Gail Honeyman.

      Brilliant book, especially if you read Addition by Toni Jordan.

    11. Mrs. Fenris*

      “Where’d You Go, Bernadette” by Maria Semple. I wasn’t sure at first whether I was going to like it, because it’s largely a lot of bickering between a crazy person and the people in her life, but it ended up shaping into a good story.

    12. Jen Erik*

      The Steerswoman series by Rosemary Kirstein. (A steerswoman studies knowledge for it’s own sake: she will answer any question you ask, but you must answer any question she asks. This one becomes interested in some unusual blue stones and that, over the four books that are written so far, leads to a re-framing of her entire world. Well written, and also very satisfying to have women just having adventures, in a world where equality is a given.)

      1. Emily*

        Ooh, yes, these books are very good! I won’t say more because of spoilers, but the re-framing of her entire world that you mention is one of the (many) things I like about the series.

    14. Rachel Paterson*

      11-22-63 by Stephen King. It’s about a guy who goes back in time to stop the Kennedy assassination and hopefully save millions of lives from subsequent altered events (eg Vietnam), but he can only arrive in 1958 and live through the interim years, and he has to be sure enough it was Oswald to ensure that stopping him will save Kennedy. It was a fascinating, gripping read, and I have never read one of King’s books before. There are things that thread through the narrative, echoes of past events harmonising with others enough to creep you out just a little, and it gets really nail-biting at the climax. The ending was not what I expected at all! I’d definitely recommend it, even if you’re not a fan of Stephen King.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Fantastic book! Definitely not King’s usual style.

        The Hulu miniseries was pretty good.

        1. KK*

          Stephen King is a fantastic writer. I always say that “The Body” is one of the best pieces of fiction that I have ever read. I feel like he feels like he has to be prolific and fit into this certain genre created around his work, so he ends up recycling themes, which is his main downfall.

      2. Julianne*

        I really liked that one too, although it doesn’t fit with my beliefs about how time travelers should conduct themselves. :D

        1. NiceOrc*

          Julianne, you might like Jodi Taylor’s Chronicles of St Mary’s. It’s about a group of researchers who use time travel to study historic events, and they have clear rules about not changing History, not interacting with people, cleaning up after themselves. It’s also very funny and well written, and made me cry in a few places too!

    16. Typhon Worker Bee*

      Finally got around to reading Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood. Very good; promptly bought the rest of the trilogy to read on an upcoming trip.

      I also really enjoyed Your Brain on Music, by Daniel Levitin, a former music producer turned neuroscientist. It gets into the science of memory, expertise, how we sort things into categories, why different people like different things, and other fields of study that go beyond just music. Definitely one of the better non-fiction books I’ve read recently.

    17. Vancouver Reader*

      The Third Plate by Dan Barber. Sort of a history of how his restaurant did the farm to table, where he sources his food, why he does what he does. I found it very engaging because of the food, but also inspiring in terms of what farmers and other providers of food are doing in terms of sustainability.

    18. all aboard the anon train*

      The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue.

      Historical YA with a bisexual main character, a character of color, a badass female character, boys mutually pining after each other, a lot of sweet, fluffy romance, pirates, adventure, intrigue, and general wonderfulness. I don’t think I’ve ever fallen in love with a book so quickly. It was honestly so delightful from beginning to end that I reread it immediately.

      I’m super excited for the sequel/spin-off novel, The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy.

    19. CV*

      Late to the conversation, but The Shadow of the Wind, by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. I laughed, I cried, I clutched my pearls and gasped “he didn’t!” Goodness, the plot twists.

  3. bassclefchick*

    True crime fans! I’m about halfway through The Devil in the White City, about H.H. Holmes. However, it seems more like a book on the Chicago World’s Fair with a little bit of Holmes thrown in. If I had wanted to read a book about how the World’s Fair came about, I would have gotten one. However, I want the murder. And Holmes’ murder mansion. I mean, I get it. The Fair was going on at the same time and that’s how he got his victims. But it shouldn’t be the main focus of the book.

    What about you? Did you like it? What other true crime books did you think veered too far off topic? Oh, and only a few more weeks until I get to see Karen and Georgia live!! Can’t wait!!! SSDGM.

    1. Music*

      I loved it, and I loved the world’s fair bits. You can’t talk about one without the other–the fair was his whole reason for finding victims! It’s what let him get away with everything for so long!

      The book’s been out so long, I guess I’m struggling to understand how you picked it up not knowing what you were going to get. It’s not ‘off topic’ so much as just not to your tastes, which is fine! But maybe you’re just not all that into what the book set out to do.

      1. Oryx*

        I loved the world’s fair bits, too! The way he slowly built up the Ferris Wheel just blew my mind, how you have no idea (or at least I didn’t) what this bizarre contraption was they are all concerned about until the name drop and omg.

      2. bassclefchick*

        I’d seen the book at bookstores and the library, but never picked it up. The ladies on the MFM podcast talked about it because of H.H. Holmes, so I was expecting more of the crimes. I suppose if I had actually read the cover blurbs, instead of thinking “yay! another murder book to read!”, I would have gotten the whole picture.

    3. Oryx*

      I don’t know if I would say that book veered off topic so much as you maybe went in misunderstanding what it was about. The subtitle is “Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair That Changed America” so it really is a book about the World’s Fair and the serial killer taking advantage of it. The two are so intertwined and that was the story Larson wanted to tell.

      1. nonegiven*

        My husband has been watching a series conjecturing that the same serial killer was Jack the Ripper.

        There was also an episode of Timeless that was about the murders in Chicago.

    4. Cruciatus*

      I really liked Devil in the White City though I felt the book was very clear that you were getting both elements. I enjoyed learning about the World’s Fair and all the things we still have today because of it. I pretty much will read anything by Erik Larson because I know I’ll be entertained and even end up learning something. I don’t read a lot of non-fiction but make an exception for him.

      2. bassclefchick*

        I’m such a true crime nerd that I had heard the book was about H.H. Holmes and wanted to learn more about him and his murder mansion. Didn’t read the cover blurbs before picking it up. TOTALLY my fault. LOL

      3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Larson books are generally a good buy – the Galveston Hurricane one is a favorite too. But I really didn’t like the one about Berlin pre-WWII and the Lusitania one I felt wasn’t quite as good as it could have been.

        Krakauer’s – Under The Banner of Heaven is a fabulous read though and very informative. I find him far less hyperbolic and free with the language than Larson.

        2. Pomona Sprout*

          I adored the one about pre-WWII Berlin (In the Garden of Beasts)! I think it depends on what one’s interests are. I’m kind of a WWII/Holocaust nerd, and I feel like that book gave me a better sense of what that transition, of Hitler taking control and his power gradually increasing as Weimar Germany evolved into the Third Reich, was like. I’m sure it wouldn’t be that interesting to everyone, but it fascinated me.

    5. Shark Whisperer*

      I had the same reaction as you. I actually never finished the book. I supposed if I had done my research I would have realized it was mostly about the World’s Fair, but I was told about it by a friend who only told me that it was about H.H. Holmes, so I was sorely disappointed. I probably would have like it more if it had been described to me differently so I didn’t have such string unment expectations

    6. Sherm*

      I agree that it’s pretty much two different stories that happened to take place in geographic proximity. But, like others here, I really enjoyed the descriptions of the fair. Made me wish I was there!

    7. Lilo*

      I quite liked it, but I enjoyed the fair parts too. There is quite a bit of murder in there as well. Some of it is the fact that the Fair is so very well documented, and a lot of what we think we know HH Holmes’s murders are either based on his unreliable testimony or on speculation, so the author can’t provide quite the same level of detail.

    8. LCL*

      I liked it. I thought he did get into the weeds a bit with all of the World’s Fair details, but I finished the book. As Lilo said, there is much more documentation on the fair then on Holmes.

    9. Leslie Knope*

      I was JUST thinking about this the other day, wondering if there were huge My Favorite Murder fans in the commentariat. I love them! So jealous you get to see them live!

      1. bassclefchick*

        I even splurged and got a VIP ticket! I get to MEET them!! Here’s hoping I don’t get all fan girl and turn into a blathering idiot like I did with Molly Ringwald. LOL

    10. Rogue*

      I actually own and love this book. However, I’m also a history and architecture buff. I loved the details about the buildings and grounds and then the tail of H.H. Holmes woven in.

    11. Nye*

      This is fiction, but if you liked the historical aspect of Devil in the White City but wanted more crime, you might like The Alienist by Caleb Carr. Set in turn-of-the-century New York and with a focus on early criminal psychology. For noon-fiction, Capote’s In Cold Blood is a classic for a reason (if you haven’t already read it).

    12. Bluebell*

      I loved Devil in the White city but I read it mostly for the parts about the worlds fair, not the true crime. I’ve read several other of Erik Larson’s books and really enjoyed the way he ties history together.

  4. Charlie Bradbury's Girlfriend*

    What’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to your hair? I’m about to dye my brand new pixie cut platinum blonde! :D

    1. Amadeo*

      Teal streaks followed by teal ombre. It was fun! I’m not sure my current place-we-don’t-talk-about-on-weekends would allow something so brazen, but I might be able to get away with subtle orange and purple highlights. Been thinking about checking.

    2. bassclefchick*

      Kind of boring, but I cut it from waist length to shoulder length. Haven’t gone back to really long hair, either. But I would LOVE to be a lavender blonde! I just don’t want to deal with the maintenance of a cool dye job.

      1. Dot*

        I’ve recently done the very-long-to-shoulder-length cut as well, and I’ve been dreaming of dyeing it a bright pink, but now that I’ve come face to face with the reality that I need to get it cut every 8 weeks to keep it at shoulder length (which I refuse to do, I hate going to the hairdresser’s!), I’ve realised I’d never be happy with a fun colour. :/ Maintenance is the worst!

      2. AlaskaKT*

        I consistanly have cool dye jobs with little/no maintenance. I just don’t have time for that (or unlimited water). The thing I’ve found works is to use a good dye, then do minimal hair washing. I wash mine about once a week, and I leave my conditioner in extra long afterwords.

        I’ll try to post a picture link below this of my hair.

        1. AlaskaKT*

          http://imgur.com/MiGiAuX

          My hair has been this color since early July. Before that it was teal, before that hot pink, and so on back in blue/white/purple/pink, apricot(for my wedding), blonde, silver, purple/silver, bubblegum pink, fire engine red, neon orange, purple/pink.

          I dye my hair a lot lol!

      3. Jen RO*

        That’s my most exciting too – shoulder length to chin length. I had incredibly blah long hair for 10+ years, usually in an even more blah ponytail, so cutting it short was the best thing I ever did!

    3. Red*

      I had butt-length blonde hair. I cut it to chin length and dyed it bright red. Best decision I ever made with my hair, tbh

      1. Turtlewings*

        I did the same, without the dye, about two years ago. I loved it for a long while, but the constant trims were expensive, and I both hated styling it and hated how it looked if I didn’t style it. It’s back down to my shoulders now, which makes me happy, but I do wish how much easier it was to wash…

          1. No Green No Haze*

            I was chatting with a trans lady online awhile back & asked her if she was willing to share any of the more mundane culture shocks she’d had since her transition.

            She said taking care of long hair took way more time out of her day than she’d been expecting, and SERIOUSLY WHY ARE THERE NO POCKETS?

        2. Red*

          I have curly hair, so it looks a little wild no matter what I do lol. I just dry it with a diffuser and some gel and it looks pretty good.

    4. The IT Manager*

      It took years of me thinking of it ( and starting to work from home full time) to bleach my hair and dye it purple and then a month later when that faded, blue.

      Unfortunately it fades fast and I live somewhere with a steamy hot summer so maintenance like -minimal washing and keeping it out of the sun – was not easy during the summer.

      I’m glad I did it. I will probably do it again over winter and Mardi Gras season, but I’m someone who wants minimal hair care and those colors don’t stick long enough for my tastes.

      1. fposte*

        Can you recut that at home, and how often do you have to cut it to keep it? I keep thinking about more low-maintenance styles but they all seem to involve cutting more frequently so I’m not sure if the tradeoff is enough for me.

          1. nonegiven*

            My husband has been having me buzzcut his hair for him. He lets it grow out more than an inch before we do it again. I keep telling him it might be easier if we did it more often.

        2. nep*

          When I was keeping it a buzz cut, I just used the clippers every day or every other day. Simple and fun. Indeed it’s this in-between phase that would need maintenance if one wanted to keep it at a certain length. I hate the current stage because I don’t like using product but at this point I pretty much have to. For low maintenance I want either the buzz (using the clippers is easy and I consider it low-maintenance), or long-ish. There’s always this trade-off of the awkward in-between phase. I’m tempted daily to mow it down again.

        3. Home hairstyling*

          My mom has a buzzcut that my dad maintains at home for her. He cuts it maybe once a month (so not as often as another commenter mentions) and is a careful, detail-oriented guy, so is well-suited to the task. I’d think you could do it yourself as well, it would just be harder to make sure you’d gotten an even, attractive cut all around (tough both to see and control the clippers precisely on the back/sides). Thinking about it now, tho, trimming every other day or similar might help mitigate that a bit since you’d be hitting everything regularly.

          1. nep*

            I kept it super short, using the 1 or 2 guide on the clippers. If I waited a month it would no longer be the buzzed look I wanted.
            I’m really hating the current length — but I’m going to exercise some patience and not shave it again…There is a length I like that I should reach in about a month or two.

    6. anon24*

      I did bright purple the last 3 inches of my blonde hair, because I wore it in a ponytail and it looked like I’d dipped it in paint. This was before it was trendy to have non-natural colored hair. Then when I got sick of that I cut the purple ends off and dyed my whole head reddish brown and let it fade back to blonde.

    7. Candy*

      I once cut my long brown hair into a pixie and dyed it blonde and no one recognized me for weeks. I would literally be talking to people at parties that I have known for years and they’d be like, “sorry, what was your name again?” It was weird!

      1. Bookmobile*

        I recently cut my longish brown hair into a short platinum pixie and it’s totally like I’ve gone undercover! When my husband and I went to parents’ night at school, my mom friends thought he was running around with someone else! ;) I do love the cut though!

    9. Ramona Flowers*

      I have dyed mine bright red and bright pink, and had red dreads and, some time later, electric blue ones. I used to put safety pins in them with glow in the dark star beads.

    10. Natalie*

      Dreadlocks, dyed the dreadlocks various colors, took the dreads out, did them a second time, buzzcut twice, and my current style is curly with an undercut on one side. The patterns never stays as long as I want it to, though. :(

    11. NaoNao*

      I went from “mermaid” hair (faded teal, pink, purple, and blue) to straight ultra-violet. It’s very intense. It’s not cartoonish, but the color is very vibrant and it’s all over. It took like 4 hours, and I had it done professionally, but I get tons of compliments on it. :)

    12. Quickbeam*

      I have past my waist hair. When I went to nursing school I cut it all off to a very short pixie cut. Hated it, let it grow back and there it stays.

    13. Windchime*

      I’m kind of a medium-ish brunette (or at least I used to be before I started going gray on top). Probably the most dramatic thing I’ve ever done was put in bright red highlights. Then I changed hairdressers and she started doing a bright red panel underneath the top layer, so only the bright red ends peeked through. That was fun. I gave that up a couple of years ago. Now I am basically a dark blonde. That’s because the root grow-out is less noticeable than it was with darker hair. Sigh.

      I would love, love, love purple highlights (low lights?) but I don’t think it would be allowed at work since it’s not a “natural” color.

    14. Bryce*

      I shaved my head once. Cutting my own hair in college, had taken the extension off to do the neckline, noticed a bit to touch up on top and absentmindedly forgot to put the extension back on first. After that the options are either reverse mohawk or bald. I have dandruff issues, sometimes when frustrated it’s tempting to shave it all off again and see if the fresh air and sunlight helps my scalp sort out whatever’s going on up there, it works for beard rash.

    15. katamia*

      Dyed it purple (all of it). I loved it and am considering doing it again. I just wish it hadn’t faded so quickly.

      1. Fiennes*

        I dyed mine purple this winter. I absolutely loved it but it was hard to maintain, especially since I spend a lot of time traveling for work. Am currently shifting through magenta back to red.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      Temporary: In high school, I dyed it bright red with food coloring. I was chicken and did it during the summer, LOL, so I never actually showed up at school that way.

      Permanent: Going blonde. I was very nervous about it–I didn’t want it to look cheap or end up with a shade that didn’t suit me. I’m so glad I didn’t try to do it myself because I would have bungled it. But I LOVE IT. I love putting pink, blue, and purple hair chalk in it, too. :)

    17. many bells down*

      The “oil slick” color which is a mix of purple, blue, green, pink – like when you see an oily rain puddle. It’s also called “duck feather”.

      And once I accidentally dyed it neon orange. The box said “cinnamon”. It came out more “atomic tangerine”.

    19. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I went from waist-length blond hair to an asymmetrical (chin-length to shoulder-length) style with a buzzed undercut and dyed it all intense red.

      Most dramatic after that was when I went back to my natural color after a decade of frequent color changes; natural was finally the only novelty left to me.

    21. Nana*

      DD, in 7th grade, cut her hair from waist-length to pixie. People didn’t recognize her at school the next day. She did this shortly before her sister’s Bat Mitzvah…pure coincidence. (she didn’t know it, but) I cut my hair from past-my shoulders to short a few days before HS graduation. (I didn’t know it, but) my mother had cut her hair from shoulder-length to 20’s bob a few days before she graduated from HS.

    22. Woman of a Certain Age*

      Many years ago when I was in college there was a “beauty contest” sponsored by “Toni” home permanents. I usually do not perm my hair, or when I do I go with a soft body perm. (I like my hair long, and often wear it in a pony-tail.) Anyway, they were giving away free home permanent kits. My girlfriends gave me a stunning afro. (It was kind of neat.) I didn’t win, but I was a finalist in the contest.

    23. Bigglesworth*

      I bleached my pixie pure white and then dyed the bangs bright blue. I used to tell people that I found a cult who sacrificed Smurfs and they used my head as an alter.

      Joke’s on me. When I got married, I changed my name to my spouse’s name and it translates to “Smurf”.

      1. Bigglesworth*

        Btw, I hope you’re living your pixie cut! I’ve had mine for over 5 years now and never plan on having long hair again. :)

  5. HeatingUnit*

    You know when you cut a friend out of your life, but there is a liiitle part of you that wonders what they’re up to (childish, I know). Then you sneak a look at their social media and get sad that things didn’t work out. Just trying to figure out a way to not do that when their social media pages aren’t private.

    1. Fake old Converse shoes*

      It really difficult. Sometimes I check my high school crush’s FB profile… Damn he still looks fine after all this time.

      1. SL #2*

        My high school crush is constantly sending me Snapchats. Granted, we were good friends in high school too, but I know an awful lot about his life given that we haven’t spoken IRL in nearly 8 years.

    2. Gaia*

      I didn’t cut the person out of my life, they cut me out of theirs in a way that was particularly cruel. It was five years ago now and I’ve moved on but I definitely still miss the friendship we had. The hardest is Facebook’s “memories” feature because we were so close for so many years that they tend to show up a lot on previous posts. I can look back on those memories fondly now but their little profile image that shows next to their posts and comments keeps me a little connected to their new life. There was a wedding. A baby. Things I should have been there for. Things I wanted to celebrate.

      It has gotten easier over time, but it has taken a lot of will power. Some days I wonder if they ever think the same when I show up on their feed.

    3. WonderingAgain*

      On a related note. My brother-in-law blocked me on social media because he didn’t want me reading what he was up to. When I send a Christmas card to my sister should I leave him off?

      1. nep*

        I guess I would say what would you want to accomplish by leaving him off? Does your gut say you should and it feels like the right thing to do — then yes. But just examine why you’d be leaving him off.

      2. Safetykats*

        Wow – that’s weird. Although families are weird. I take it you’re still on good terms with your sister? If so, I would still address it to both of them. It’s just a Christmas card, after all. (And probably leaving him off the envelope is too subtle for him to catch anyway, so it would just make your sis feel bad, if anything.)

      3. anon24*

        I have my in-laws blocked on social media. We don’t have a close relationship (they did some spectacularly awful things to me early on) but we get along just fine when we see each other. They are the type of people to “like” everything you post 30 seconds after you post it and it was getting a little creepy, plus I really don’t need them to see all the cool pics from the hiking trips we take (I’m totally fine with random people seeing them, but I don’t show them to family, and yes I’m weird).

        They don’t know I blocked them. They asked my husband why they couldn’t find me anymore and he passed it off as a weird Facebook glitch.

        I don’t know your relationship with your brother in law but I wouldn’t worry too much.

        1. Triplestep*

          You don’t have to block them so they can’t find you. You can still be findable, but post things that they’ll never see. That’s what I do – less drama.

          1. anon24*

            They are technological idiots. Blocking was the simplest method for me. There’s no drama because they have no clue I am responsible for them not seeing my stuff :)

        1. Anon anon anon*

          Me too. Blocking someone on social media doesn’t always mean wanting them out of your life. It can be more of a boundaries thing. Some people just don’t want their family and friend circles mixing, or for their family to see everything they “like” or every event they’re “going” to. Even if you use the Restricted list, there’s a lot that can still show up.

        2. WonderingAgain*

          Thank you everybody for your suggestions! I am going to send them a Christmas card with both of their names on it – taking the high road. :)

      5. annon*

        I’d either send a super-personalized, in-jokey card to just your sister, or send the blandest, most generic card you can get away with to both of them.

      6. GriefBacon*

        Do you know for sure that it’s because he doesn’t want you to know what he’s up to?

        My default Facebook privacy setting is “all friends…except grandma, sister-in-law, and best friend’s mom”. While I’m not particularly crazy about my sister-in-law, I don’t hide everything from her because I don’t want her to know what I’m up to. I do it because she developed a habit of commenting on posts in ways that *I* understood/knew was a joke, but my friends didn’t and were offended by. It was MUCH easier to just hide posts and have her none the wiser than defriend/block her.
        (Not saying you’ve done anything that would offend your brother-in-law’s friends. Just that there could potentially be other explanations?)

    5. annon*

      In my case, I found myself checking because the toxic relative I had to cut out has kids, who are sweet and who I worry about. I’m still friends with their father, though, so that helped – I could get the info I really craved without looking at Toxic’s stuff.

      I don’t have a good solution. In my case my blocking Toxic made her angry enough to block me in return, so I can’t see her stuff anyway. I still get the curiosity, though.

    6. Clever Name*

      I’m going through something similar with my ex husband. I eventually unfollowed him on Facebook because I got tired of getting annoyed at what he posted.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Very few things in life are clear cut, we can wonder about people and hope they are okay but not really want them in our lives. It’s not all one way, it’s okay to have a mix of feelings and thoughts.

      It kind of makes me smile. Some people believe that if we happen to think of someone from our past that is because they are probably thinking of us around the same time. What I like about this one is I try to think of the good things and I try to imagine they are doing the same.
      Sometimes I think about the saying, friends for a reason, a season or a life time. And I try to figure out what the reason or season was. A big picture focus can be very helpful. Usually, I can point to something I learned or experienced that influenced me in some manner.

      Last, if we are lucky enough to have long lives then many, many people will come and go as we journey onward. It’s nice to have someone to walk with and it’s good to realize that more cool people will come along. It’s not without some sadnesses, though.

    1. Safetykats*

      Ugh. We had a bad summer for various reasons and just didn’t get out regularly, but de used we still needed to do a couple of long, organized charity rides. Normally they are only a little challenging – distances we are used to, but fatale pace than our norm – but without our normal rides? Ouch.

  7. WellRed*

    Just drove from Maine to Cape Cod. Driving didn’t use to bother me but now I am completely stressed out and anxious when I drive. And that’s with no traffic. Don’t think I’ll do it again.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t blame you. I used to do a lot of driving and as the years rolled on not so much. I do know why. Too much driving under stress, have to get to toxic job or get to the hospital or the funeral home or whatever. In the last 15 years or so I have reclaimed some of my range that I used to drive. But I would not attempt going from ME to the Cape. It’s not fun anymore, in the beginning it was fun.

    3. Happy Lurker*

      The Boston and Cape traffic was bad 30 years ago. Now it’s so much worse, especially since everyone has a phone in their hand. My sympathies. I feel the same way. I spend way too much time driving to enjoy it the way I used to.

  8. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I lost my job, which is never easy. But I feel like I’m doing a pretty good job of staying positive and keeping on track with exercise, seeing people, and getting stuff done.

    Weather has been nice and I want to start biking more.

    I’m struggling with making sure I get some human interactionin every day; I know from experience that being isolated is the worst thing for my depression. I’m proud that I’ve been able to clean a lot–my apartment is still pretty bad but a lot better.

    How are things with you?

    1. Fake old Converse shoes*

      Oh, no, I’m so sorry! As someone who has been laid off many times, excercise is the best thing you can do right now. Virtual hugs and best wishes for you.

    2. Red*

      I’m so sorry to hear you lost your job :( I know how hard you worked to keep it. I’m glad to hear you’re working hard to exercise, get out of the house, and clean though – that’s a huge accomplishment!

      As far as myself – Lamictal is finally starting to really work! Sadly Seroquel didn’t work out and I’ve chosen to just deal with the insomnia until my next appointment, but whatever. As long as I’m no longer horribly depressed, I can live with it.

      1. Mrs. Fenris*

        Seroquel and Lamictal were a very, very bad regimen for my husband. Life is much better for us with just run-of-the-mill Prozac.

        1. Red*

          I’m glad it helps him! My husband does very well with it, too. For me, though – it’s just not going to work out with my diagnosis (bipolar).

          Funny thing is, they gave my grandpa both trazodone and Seroquel to help with his dementia symptoms, and it was a hot mess. I also can’t deal with either of them!

          1. Red Reader*

            My husband is on lamictal for bipolar for about a year and change and it’s been just amazing for him. Good thoughts for your continued progress!

        2. Lindsay J*

          My boyfriend is weaning off of Seroquel and it’s been a really good thing for him so far to be taking less and less of it. It helped him a lot and he sure needed it for awhile, but now he seems to be much better off without it, and it seems to be helping our relationship as well. He has a lot more energy and desire to do things now, and seems a bit more carefree in general.

    3. Anon for This*

      I’m sorry to hear about the job – sounds like you’re doing all the right things and I hope this period of unemployment is short.

      I’m doing okay. My psychiatrist decided I should try rexulti instead of abilify as an augmenting agent, and I agreed with her it made sense and there wasn’t much to lose, even though honestly I thought I was doing pretty good on the old meds. The first few days of transition felt a little rough and I’m not sure the dose is high enough. I feel kind of anxious and jittery. We’ll see.

    4. Ange*

      Went for the eye test I missed 2 weeks ago – no good reason, I just totally forgot. Then had to come home and lie down. I hate chemo so much right now. But only 2 more sessions.

    5. bassclefchick*

      This week was pretty good. The new job is still going well. I’m fitting in and everyone tells me I’m doing great, so that’s a big step up from the last permanent jobs I had.

      My struggle? Up until July/August of 2016 I was doing great! I had lost about 20 pounds, I completed a half marathon (never doing that again) and was on track to FINALLY make my weight loss goal. And then everything went to hell in a handbasket. Got fired, twice. Good friend committed suicide. Lost my confidence, gained all the weight back. Was unemployed for over 2 months and the depression and anxiety exploded to unmanageable levels.

      But, I got help for the depression/anxiety. I’ve just signed up for a series of races and I’m slowly starting to cut out all the extra sugar, watch what I eat, and be sure to get in my 10,000 or more steps. It’s going to be a long road, but at least I’ve started.

      1. Tiny Crankypants*

        Sorry about the job.

        This week hit a snag. I got yelled at by a client over the phone. Immediate superior thought client was unreasonable.

        I have CPTSD and cannot take yelling or loud noise triggers me and my stress levels go up immediately. I started thinking I wasn’t good enough to do my job or do anything. So much about my self-worth has always been based on performance and how well I do at work/school. I lost so many things and failed so much this year. I just don’t want to feel like a loser.

      2. Junior Dev*

        It sounds like you’ve had some awful stuff going on lately but you’re working on improving things for yourself. That’s awesome.

      3. Emily*

        Oh, gosh, that sounds terrible. I’m sorry about your jobs and your friend. Good on you for getting help and making positive changes in your life, especially in the face of so much awfulness.

    6. Turtlewings*

      Sorry to hear about your job! I hope you’re able to find whatever you need.

      Yesterday I finally looked up my workplace’s EAP and contacted a therapist about the severe food anxiety problems that have defined my every meal from the age of 3. I don’t know how much progress I can really have in the 3 free sessions, but it’s a start.

    7. Dot*

      So sorry to hear about your job :(

      I had an introduction session for ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) this week and it’s looking very weird. So far I’ve only started taking daily one-hour walks without company/distractions but I should be receiving the workbook early next week and I’m starting group therapy (eek?!) on Tuesday. I’m fairly skeptical but willing to try this because I’m really not doing well on my own right now.

      One thing I can’t stop thinking about is that the therapist mentioned dysthymia in the session, and the best I can figure is that it was in the notes from my earlier assessment with a different psychologist (who referred me for ACT) (the ACT therapist can’t possibly have come up with it on his own because we only talked about me for five minutes at the end as there was a lot to go over about the treatment). She didn’t mention dysthymia to me, and so I don’t know if it’s a firm diagnosis or a theory or what, but reading up on it has made me reexamine my life and it looks so … glum. Like I had my first really bad episode when I was barely 14 and that’s 12 years ago and it’s pretty much all been a fog of feeling awful and clawing my way through school since then. I’m going to ask my doctor about it because I think if it’s a “yeah, you fit the criteria for diagnosing this mental illness” that would really change the way I view myself (currently as “a lazy failure who mysteriously can’t fulfill her potential”, but maybe “a person who has done a lot in spite of mental illness” is actually the truth??!).

      I REALLY hope ACT works. (My doctor has mentioned trying an SSNRI if it doesn’t work well enough but I’m *terrified* of medication for some reason.)

      1. Reba*

        Dot, I’m so happy for you that you are starting therapy. It’s such a huge hurdle to overcome just to start. It sounds like you are on the cusp of great changes, understanding yourself better, being kinder to yourself. Our narratives about ourselves are powerful.

        I think it’s very common to have doubts about medications, and it’s true that for some people they are not helpful. But you could try to look at them as another tool in your toolkit (not a substitute for the long-term work of therapy, but as supporting that journey). Just some anecdata, for me and other people in my family, taking anti-depressants gave us a level of relief pretty quickly that allowed us to get out of immediate danger, so to speak, and that let us have the energy/”spoons” to do the introspection and hard work of therapy. I’m off them now, and partner is still on and doing really really well.

        If books are helpful to you, we recommend “Feeling Good” by David Burns (the first mass market book about CBT) and “The Mindful Way through Depression” (kind of “woo” but really good, sounds like it might complement the ACT).

    8. Ramona Flowers*

      I am so sorry about your job loss (I know I said this yesterday but it’s worth repeating). Sending many many good vibes your way. Well done on the cleaning – that’s something to be proud of.

      My mental health has not been good this week. I had some kind of depression relapse or something and ended up having to tell work I needed to go home NOW – ironically the day the mental health letter came up in the five questions post. My bosses are very kind and supportive and it’s all been okay in that respect, I just feel a bit wrung out.

      I’m seeing my old therapist for a session next week. He’s brilliant but private and while he already charges me a reduced fee I just cannot pay it regularly right now (I am paying off debts and on a reduced budget). I have considered going to the EAP as they do eight free sessions and I could see someone in London near work – I can work from home around appointments if needed but working from home is really bad for me when I’m unwell as things get unstructured fast – but the idea of building a new relationship feels exhausting and if I don’t click with the therapist it will make things worse, not better.

      In any case my old therapist is usually able to help me loads in just a one-off session as he knows me well. So there’s that. I am doing all the right things to care for myself, it’s just so damn exhausting. I feel sort of like I’ve been emotionally hit by a bus.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Thanks.

        I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. It can be so much work just to keep up with life and I’m glad you are also able to reach out to your therapist on top of that.

    9. Mimmy*

      Saw the post about your job in yesterday’s thread – so sorry (((hugs)))

      I’ve had this irrational mindset that I’ll get stuck at my job and that I’ll end up as the sole person in my area. That terrifies me, especially given that this particular role is not something I want to do long-term. But I think it’s *finally* starting to sink in that this is not forever and that it is just a stepping stone. Problem is, I don’t have a plan yet. I’m working with a Voc Rehab counselor, who has been AMAZING, but as with anything run by the government, it’s a hurry-up-and-wait thing.

      On the non-work side, I’m doing okay. I know I should be exercising, enjoying the fresh air and eating healthier because of the physical and mental health benefits, but I just. can’t. muster up the self-discipline to maintain those habits. My husband is the same way (though he doesn’t have the mental health issues I do).

      The other issue I’ve had relates to my meds. I take a daily maintenance med, but I also have an anti-anxiety med–a benzodiazepine–that I’m supposed to take as needed, ideally when I know I’m going into a situation that exacerbates my anxiety or agitation. However, I’ve read about people getting hooked on those pills and having horrible withdrawal. I don’t want to get into that situation. Plus, it does make me a little fuzzy–which isn’t helpful when I’m working with students!

      1. Junior Dev*

        I take Ativan which is a benzo and it’s been very helpful. Maybe talk to your doctor about addiction concerns? I’m not a medical professional of any kind but I think that if you use it as one of several tools in your toolkit to manage anxiety you shouldn’t feel bad about taking the meds as prescribed.

        1. Anon for This*

          Yes, agreed. Talk to your doctor. I take klonopin as needed and my doctor has told me that taking it once or twice a week won’t lead to any tolerance or dependence and that it’s not usually an issue for people who aren’t already prone to substance abuse.

      2. FormerEmployee*

        Are you in an area where it’s safe to walk?

        If so, try to set a time (after dinner is usually best) to go for a walk for 1/2 hour.

        Unlike a gym situation, there’s no cost, no special clothing required, etc.

        Get your husband to go with you. Not only is it good for your health, it can also be good for your relationship – bonding while walking.

        Best of luck.

    10. King Friday XIII*

      So sorry about the job! I hope you find something better soon. Sounds like you know what you need really well and that’s awesome.

      I’m doing okay mental health-wise, though I’ve had a few really out there intrusive thoughts in a way I haven’t for a while and I’m wondering if it’s just stress or if I should talk to my doctor about increasing my dose. I’m pretty happy with the prozac so far and I kind of don’t want to mess with what’s working.

    11. Anon anon anon*

      Debt collectors are calling. I work at least 70 hours a week every week. I don’t take days off. I’ve just had a lot of extra expenses lately. It sucks. But I’m making progress in getting everything paid off so that’s good.

      I reconnected with an old friend. There isn’t as much common ground as there used to be. It made me appreciate how much I’ve changed and how much better my life is now.

      I’m earning more money. My dog is happy. Gardening to relieve stress. Hoping to get that debt paid off soon.

      1. nonegiven*

        Pull your credit reports and send by certified mail return receipt or priority mail with tracking to every address of every collector with a ‘cease and desist’ all phone calls as they are ‘inconvenient’ and they may only contact you by US mail at [mailing address.]

        1. Anon anon anon*

          Ooh, good idea! Fortunately, I only have a few things to pay off. There’s a steadily growing parking ticket, a vet bill, and two car repair bills. The last three are with the same company. They call all the time, but I know they’ll stop once I make a payment. It’s not a lot of money. It’s just slightly more than I’ve been able to afford. Argh, I need an extra $300 a month or so. But I am doing better and getting caught up.

    12. LizB*

      Oh no, I’m so sorry about your job! Exercising and seeing people are great strategies for keeping yourself moving forward.

      I had a routine physical yesterday morning and of course my doctor brought up my weight, because it’s crept up a bit and she wants to make sure it isn’t a meds side effect… but it just totally threw me into a spiral of self-hatred and despair that I’m still in the midst of 24+ hours later. Like, musing about what it would be like if I just stopped existing kind of despair. I’ll have to bring it up at therapy, I can’t be like this every time someone tells me I should eat more veggies and find some time to exercise, both of which are true things that I would actually like to do.

      1. Red*

        I feel you on the “what if I stopped existing” thoughts, and what’s helped for me is reminding myself that what I’m looking for is relief, not death. Relief is an emotion and you can’t feel it if you’re dead. Best to find another way.

        1. LizB*

          Yeah, that’s always the conclusion I come to. I don’t actually want to stop being here, and I definitely don’t want to kill myself, I just want to not find it emotionally painful to live in my body. Something to work on.

          1. JaneB*

            “stop the world I want to get off” syndrome, my grandma called it – when you just want a break from all the noise and demands inside and outside your head.

            Been there a lot this week :-(

    13. NaoNao*

      The “proud of” is that I’m being flown to L.A. for an in-person interview for a job I really want and I’m very excited about.
      The struggle right now is a bit silly but I hope others can relate. I’m in Aspen, CO, for a weekend getaway and it’s gorgeous. But the town is ultra high end, multi million dollar estates, Dior boutiques (I picked up a pair of Prada shoes in the thrift store!!), and the people walking around are just so obviously loaded with money.

      My BF and I went to a cool little restaurant last night, and although I dressed up, I felt really scruffy and like a little ragged puppy. Most of my clothes are thrift store or vintage, and I have a funky, artsy style. My hair is rich, bright purple, and I stand out a bit :)

      Looking around at all the coiffed and sleek, pampered people I had this sinking feeling like “that will never be me”. Most of the time I’m happy, but put me in the lap of luxury and while I love it, I’m squirming out of my skin mentally and running down all my flaws.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Congrats on the interview–i hope you get the job.

        I’ve definitely had the weird sensation where you are surrounded by wealthy people and even though you don’t want any of the specific things they have you feel intimidated or out of place.

    14. Anonymous for this*

      Sorry about your job :( Sending you good vibes.

      I feel like I’m struggling a little bit this week. (Hope this isn’t too work related for this thread). Basically, I’m doing something new at work, and a while ago I had an interaction with a family member of one of the people I’m now working with, which ended in the worst possible way (not through anything anyone did wrong, it was one of those horrible things). We’ve spoken briefly about it, but it’s not something I want to keep bringing up with them because of what it involved. However… one of the things we will be doing in a few weeks is directly related to the interaction. And I’m worrying. Not because I think they’re incapable of being professional, but because I’m concerned it might be awkward, and also that I’m going to struggle with it when we do it. I’ve thought far more about it, and other, similar events, in the last week than in the last 6 months.
      I’ve spoken to one of the people involved in what we are doing, who is going to talk to the coordinator for me and get them to get in touch. But I’m debating whether EAP might be a good idea, it was something I was offered and turned down at the time, but I was reminded again about it last week, and I don’t know if it may be the right thing to do now.
      I have no idea if any of that made sense! But it feels better having got it down in some form!

      1. Reba*

        I don’t think there’s anything to lose by calling the EAP, right? It sounds like you are having a lot of anxious/unhappy thoughts about this, and it might help just to get them out with someone who is not involved in the situation, doesn’t know the people, but who is just on your team (i.e. a counselor). They might be able to give you some strategies to set those unhelpful thoughts aside.

        It probably *will* be awkward when it comes to it, but I think you can come through that just fine. Good luck!

    15. Bryce*

      Some friends of mine moved to my apartment complex and are having a party in half an hour. And I’m all torn up not just from usual group activity anxiety but also because now these guys live right next door and I like being social but I like it on my terms and how can I get away with that without seeming like I’m shunning them and aaaaaaaaaaaaa.

      Then after a deep breath I remind myself that they’ve been there for two months and hadn’t even bothered to let me know until this party. I don’t think “what happens if they just drop by on a weekend and this place is such a mess” needs to be high on my list of worries, they have their own lives just as I do.

    17. Shrunken Hippo*

      Sorry to hear about your job.

      I’ve had some major depression this week to the point I almost checked myself into a mental hospital to be put on suicide watch. Somehow me getting a job set me off and I had a panic attack thinking about it and then I got depressed and nothing mattered. I think what set me off was the fact that I have to carpool to work and I’m having serious issues finding rides for weekends, and because it’s a retail job I know that me not being able to work weekends is really going to hurt me and might get me terminated (and my mind works in run-on sentences when I’m stressed!). I’ve made it work for now, but something has to change. Unfortunately for me my depression is often accompanied by anxiety and lots of tears so breaking down crying isn’t unusual for me. That’s always embarrassing.

      Nothing I’m really proud of this week other than resisting the urge to kill myself. Not that it’s not a big deal, I just deal with that on a semi-regular basis.

      My goal for the coming week is to make a doctor’s appointment and get myself set up with some specialists to work through my mental issues and figure out my chronic pain.

      1. Red*

        That is a big deal! Even more so because you deal with it often. Congrats on having the self-awareness to consider the hospital, too – that’s always useful.

      2. Reba*

        It’s not surprising that a big change–like starting a new job, especially one that comes with a lot of logistics stuff–would set off anxious thoughts. It sounds like you are going to get yourself set up to succeed with your mental and physical health. That’s wonderful and I wish you lots of good luck with that and with your job. I’m glad you’re still here. :)

      3. Ramona Flowers*

        That is a huge deal. I also deal with those feelings on and off. One thing that helped me was learning that it can be a sign that pain and stress have exceeded your resources for coping with pain and stress so it’s like your brain is basically going “system overload! self-destruct! argh!”

        Keep holding on, friend.

    18. Mrs. Fenris*

      Pretty good these days. I was on Lexapro for about a year but things got better. Some life stresses got better and I got much better at self care. Mindfulness meditation and spending lots more time in the woods. :-)

    19. Chaordic One*

      I’m struggling with getting ready to move. I’m just a bit overwhelmed and having anxiety attacks about it. Most everything is going into storage for a while, but there’s just so much stuff. I’ve made a couple of runs to the thrift store where I’ve donated a lot of things. I know I’m forgetting something.

      ARGH!!!!

    20. Ramona Flowers*

      I bit the bullet and called the EAP. My old therapist is superb, but I can’t afford to see him weekly so I’m focusing on what I can do. They can provide up to eight sessions per ‘issue’ per year and are going to find someone I can see in the afternoon after work. It’s mildly frustrating that they find someone within 15 miles of the address you give, which is fine outside of London but not so helpful in it (I’d like someone within easy walking distance of any stop on my daily tube route) but will see what they come up with. It’s apparently a mix of approaches including person-centred and CBT which sounds good. And I really liked the way they handled the phone assessment, so that’s a good start.

    21. JanetM*

      I’m back on Abilify after three months in a really bleak depression. Magic f*ing bullet, boy howdy, I tell you what. (For me. Others’ neurochemistry may vary.) I started feeling better within 16 hours of the first dose.

      On the other hand, I then promptly came down with a cold, which has made my breathing worse.

      On the gripping hand, I’m finally getting referred for some more tests to see what’s going on with the breathing (swallowing study and sleep study). Thank ghu for good insurance.

      On the octopus half, I’ve been de-cluttering. I’ve cleared / cleaned / reorganized all the kitchen counters and upper cabinets; next steps are the drawers and lower cabinets. Dale has promised to clean the fridge and the table (the latter of which is piled about 18 inches high with his stuff).

    22. Ricky*

      I’m so sorry about your job :( It sounds like you’re doing a really good job of taking care of yourself, though!

      I’ve let everything fall by the wayside and am finally trying to pick that up. I desperately need to get back to keeping a bullet journal or planner.

    23. Lindsay J*

      I’m doing pretty well.

      I’ve just about hit the 3rd month at my job, so in 5 days I will have my health insurance back. Now I’m trying to decide whether I want to find an in-network psychiatrist, or continue seeing the guy I’ve been seeing for the past few months who is very expensive and will be out-of-network. I’m considering just staying with him, as I can afford it and he seems to be helpful to me in the way other psychiatrists and counselors in the past were not. (And I do like that he does drugs but also does therapy so I’m not seeing two different people for different things.) The price is a huge difference, though. $35 copay vs $350 out of pocket. My insurance will reimburse 50% of out-of-network costs, but they cap that as 50% of 110% of their negotiated in-network amount, which I imagine is closer to maybe $100-$15o than $350. One of my drugs is also a schedule II drug which can be difficult to get people to prescribe when you come in for the first time so that factors into it. It’s working for me and I don’t want a new doctor to try and push me to something that might not work as well just because it’s less risky to prescribe.

      The last appointment he said I seemed to be doing pretty well, and I feel good for the most part. I’ve been going out and doing more things with people – board game nights, community garden, etc. And I’ve been getting great feedback at work.

      The past couple weekends my boyfriend and I have also gone and done things that involve a lot of walking and being outside, which I think has been helpful for me. I feel healthier when I go out and do things vs just sitting around our apartment all day.

      My biggest struggle at the moment is just getting up in the morning. I’m getting enough sleep for the most part, but every morning I just want to cuddle back into my nice warm bed for another hour or so. Part of it is that my boyfriend snores (sinus issues, has already had surgery for it, probably not ever going to change) and sometimes tosses and turns at night which wakes me or keeps me up. We have a pull-out couch and one of us either starts or ends the night on there most nights (and it’s really comfortable) but it’s kind of frustrating. My drugs also make it difficult for me to sleep – Adderall and a high dose of Wellbutrin. I’ve found ear-plugs and a sleep mask help, and I go to bed in time to get a solid 9 hours of sleep, but it’s still a daily struggle to get up (and it has been most of my life, honestly).

  9. SophieChotek*

    I know there have been variations on this question before…

    How do you navigate family? I live very close to my parents (like 10 mins away) and have been very close to them growing up. My parents seem to want to spend time with me (which I guess I ought to find flattering) but honestly I try to only see them once a week because more than that is too much. But I am always turning down invitation to have dinner with them, etc. so they probably are starting to think I don’t like them…which isn’t true…but I am discovering that if we don’t have an “activity” (i.e. watch a TV show, watch a movie) we actually don’t seem to have a lot to talk about. We’re not interested in the same things, we tend to disagree about politics/religion (they are much conservative than I am) — and unfortunately they seem to talk about that quite a bit. And honestly, I’ve discovered that a lot of the things they like to do/talk about often bore me –and then I feel selfish even thinking that – and I’ve discovered things that really interest/excite me (that I can have deep hour long discussions with friends about) are just so completely out of their frame of reference, you don’t want to spend an hour explaining the context. (I don’t know…trying to explain fan fiction to someone who doesn’t even read “regular” fiction or explaining opera to someone who doesn’t really listen to music). So those of you in similar situations – what do you do? I feel bad that I feel bored/therefore try to avoid my family! I feel like I am being selfish and not loving and not trying…I’m trying to practice active listening/ask questions, but I sometimes think my boredom still seeps through…

    1. Gaia*

      I am in a similar situation. I find one way to ward off the concern that you don’t like them is to sometimes be the one that recommends getting together.

      That said, set boundaries that make sense for you. If once a week is the right amount for you, it is the right amount.

    2. Safetykats*

      We live around the corner from my mom and dad, and both our kids live just across town. It can be interesting trying to find a topic of conversation. A lot of times we end up talking about work – it’s a small town, so we all work with people the others know, and whatever so-and-so did the other day is usually safe and sometimes funny. It helps when the kids are around – my daughter and my mom and both into cooking, and my son and my dad into history. Strangely enough we are getting my mom into cosplay – not that she is going to dress up herself anytime soon, but she is an amazing seamstress so she can get really caught up in making really specific costume pieces.

      It does take work though, and we definitely don’t talk with family about the same kinds of things we might talk about with friends. Although honestly, what we talk about with friends depends on the friends.

      If what you’re mostly doing with your folks is going to their house for dinner, that would drive me a little nuts too. I would maybe try to pick your interactions and invite them – so you get that focus on an activity that works out better for you. And it’s okay to say no. Once a week is a good frequency; don’t feel bad that you’re not spending every other night with them. (One thing that works for us is to say it’s just too hard most weeknights – we have to get up early for work. that also works for Sunday’s.)

      You might think about why they invite you so often. Are they worried you’re sitting at home and lonely? Are they worried you’re not eating right? ( we worried about both with our kids.) Or are they a little lonely now that you’re gone, and maybe don’t have a lot to talk about without you there? Im not sure what you can do about the last one, but talking with them about your other activities, or about what you’ve been cooking lately, can go a long way towards convincing them they don’t need to feed you or be your social life.

      1. SophieChotek*

        We do talk about work (which sadly devolves into the “you need to get a new job and aren’t working hard enough into it” conversation…

        I think they invite me over because (and they’ll say this) “we like spending time with you”…I don’t think they think I am at home and lonely; I’m sure they wish I would eat healthier (since my Mom has explicitly said I need to lose weight, which is true)…I think the just think that we should have more “family time” in general…

        Thanks…must try to find more activities we can do…

        1. Adele*

          My mom and I often invite each other to do things. Last weekend it was a history-focused tour of her small city’s dowtown. Sometimes it is to see a play or an outdoor concert or a museum exhibition. I also bring up news stories that will lead to interesting discussions. We can disagree but these really help me know my mom more fully.

    3. annon*

      I would suggest you continue to turn down most invitations, except when you really want to go. Most people will adjust, honestly, at least in my experience. (The relatives who didn’t – like the one who couldn’t seem to get why I wouldn’t just fly back across an ocean to visit on her whim – were generally toxic in other ways.)

      Since you do want to maintain a relationship, I’d accept as many offers as you feel you can enthusiastically accept. If it seems like it might help, have a few polite stock answers to why you have to turn down an invitation (e.g. “I’d love to, but I’m totally wiped out from work”). I’d also recommend being the one to extend an invitation every so often (an invitation you’d reasonably enjoy, so that it isn’t a burden to you and so that they can choose to participate in something you like), so it doesn’t seem like they are the ones always reaching out to maintain the relationship.

      I do think a lot of this is a function of how physically close you live. When my mother and I lived in the same neighborhood, she was constantly inviting me over or trying to invite herself over, but when I moved further away that naturally dropped off. It can seem weird to some people to set boundaries if there isn’t an (in their opinion) actual inconvenience*, but that doesn’t mean you’re bad for setting boundaries.

      *One of my biggest pet peeves is when you tell someone no and they act like there’s an unspoken “it’s inconvenient” appended. I’ve had people cheerfully tell me that it’s really not an inconvenience for them to stop by, when what I’ve told them in response to their request/demand is “Not today, thanks.”

      1. SophieChotek*

        Yes, I agree – it is hard – because my parents do live so close. I see my Mom at least once a week – and they are always “dropping by”…sometimes it really is just to drop something off (yesterday it was home-made granola) but often, there is an expectation if they “drop by” of course, I’ll invite them in, stop whatever it is I am doing, and offer the refreshments, etc. (Actually I see them 2x a week usually, because we all go together to see my Grandmother).

        I guess it is on my mind this week because my mom invited me to dinner, and I pretty much had to lie and say I have plans, because she kept saying “Oh, well if you are not available Thursday, we can do Friday, Oh, you have plans Friday, what about Saturday?…”

        I think I feel bad already because I don’t invite them over very much, etc. and so I’ve gotten lots of comments like “what do you have to do to get an invitation to your place?” sort of thing, or find myself self-editing to trying to remember to NOT mentionI had Jane and Bob over….

        I agree — setting boundaries is hard…and my Mom (especially) is really not good at taking any hints…but I doubt either of will be moving any time soon – actually they just purchased a house 10 minutes away (not that we didn’t live reasonably close before, but at least it was more like 20 before…)

    4. Augusta Sugarbean*

      I’ve never agreed with the “but we’re family!” sentiment. You don’t have to like people just because you happen to be related. My family is perfectly fine but we just don’t have a lot in common. My parents raised us to be independent – and it worked! Haha. Maybe try to do a little more objective assessment – how much is self-imposed guilt and how much are they *really* going to be upset if you aren’t there all the time? Kids grow up and make new lives for themselves all the time. Maybe there isn’t the expectation of constant visiting that you assume is there.

      But if you want to ease tensions a little, how about initiating the invitations instead of always worrying about accepting or declining? Invite them out to a movie, still something you do together but you shouldn’t be talking during it! And then afterwards, “sorry have an early morning appointment, must run.” Or is there community theater in your area? Those usually have wide appeal. Or do some research and find a family-friendly or non-political stand up comedian.

    5. Natalie*

      I’m an advocate of just being direct about approximately how often you can see them. Having to constantly turn down invitations gets old for both of you. If they’re reasonable people, they’ll appreciate the information. And if they’re unreasonable, at least in my case, it didn’t avoid the conversation so much as push it down the road and annoy the other party. (Unreasonably, but as my mom is generally unreasonable that was always going to be the case.)

      I can’t tell how old you are, but if you’re on the younger side know that this is a really normal part of adult children/parent relationships.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Are you parents going through empty nest syndrome? Is this something where you can encourage them to develop new activities?

      You have gotten great advice here. I totally agree with people who said seeing them once a week is PLENTY. With my inlaws we just told them we would be over on X day each week. We kept our word. My father was different as he would talk to us about our concerns and our interests. At separate times I caught my husband and my father saying they “couldn’t wait to see the other one so they could talk over X subject.”
      When people are not contributing to our lives visits with them can feel obligatory, simply because not too much rewarding happens.
      You can try to shift the dynamic a little here by looking for ways that your lives intersect. Let’s say your mom is into couponing. You notice you have a lot of coupons or you have a coworker that wants to unload coupons. Bring your mom the coupons. Going the other way, let’s say you are suddenly into house plants, see if your mom has friends who are willing to give you cuttings that you can grow yourself. At first it’s hard to find these little intersections, after a bit it gets easier. And definitely it’s not a miracle cure, but it can relieve some pressures/discomforts/etc.

    7. Jessi*

      Could you have a weekly event? I have an interesting relationship with my mum but the thing we like to do is go for coffee.

      Could you set up a weekly movie/show and then go for dinner/ dessert/ coffee afterwards? I think this does a couple of things a) sets up the expectation, b) decreases your stress as you can talk about the show/movie while you dinner/dessert/coffee c) allows you to ‘jump the gun’ so you can do the asking ‘hey mum really looking forwards to seeing your at our monday movie and dinner – can you still make it? so it breaks the pattern of them asking and your declining and also d) allows you an easy out/ redirect. “Oh I can’t do dinner tonight. I’m really looking forwards to seeing you monday night for our dinner and a show – can you still make it? I’ve got tickets to X”

      1. annon*

        Or if weekly’s too much for you, nothing wrong with doing this biweekly or monthly too.

        I like the idea of this kind of recurring scheduled event, actually. Not only does it give you the easy out, it gives them something regular to look forward to. It might work best, especially since you don’t have a lot of conversational topics in common, if you make it something special that you wouldn’t ordinarily do (like a movie or a fancier dinner out than typical) – which also gives them something to look forward to and makes them feel like they’re being treated well, which makes them less likely to have problems with the arrangement.

      2. SophieChotek*

        Thanks – yes, that’s a good idea – we used to have that (a weekly TV show we all watched) – maybe once it comes back on again we can try to do that…

    8. Bryce*

      I’ve found that when I visit my parents (3 hours away, so close enough for a long weekend every couple of months) the dynamic makes me “the kid” even though I’m 35, but when we interact somewhere away from home turf, when Mom comes up here for a concert and we meet for coffee, for example, we’re able to interact on an equal adult level. It doesn’t exactly answer your question, but if you’re looking to connect with them in a different way changing the setting might work.

    9. ST*

      I felt the same way about my parents (particularly my Mom) When she would call (regularly) I’d kind of hold the phone away from my ear and concentrate on something else. And then she got a really aggressive form of Alzheimer’s and was gone in about two years. I’d give almost anything for her to call and bore me again.

      /DebbieDowner

      2. SophieChotek*

        Thanks – ST – and exactly what you said that totally freaks me out too — I don’t want to “push them away” and then regret not spending more time later. (My mom is going through a similar thing with my Grandma…)

    10. Asterix*

      Especially as an adult, you have a right to also live your life in an enjoyable way, without having to do what pleases your parents. It took time, but eventually the guilt went away when I realized this. You weren’t born to forever please your parents. Once a week is plenty. I also don’t know how much time you spend when you see them, but you can try to shorten it. If you stay all day, hop over for dinner and hang out with them for 2 hours max. And I think it’s also ok to talk about your interests, even if in that instance you bore them. It takes practice, but do remind yourself that you can set limits, that even though you are their child, you are also your own self, and an adult.

  10. MsChanandlerBong*

    We have a problem with trespassers coming into our yard and climbing over our fence to get to the restaurant next door. The fence is 9+ feet tall, so I am worried about liability if anyone gets injured. I’m also tired of hearing people scuttle through the yard in the middle of the night. We can’t put up barbed wire, per local ordinance. The police suggested we put up no-trespassing signs, but they can’t do anything unless they catch someone in the act. Any suggestions, or are we just supposed to put up with random people jumping over our (locked) front gate and then scaling the fence in the back yard?

    1. Amadeo*

      Put up a ‘Beware of Dog’ sign? Especially if they’re going through at night and they can’t really tell if there’s a dog in there or not. ;)

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        We had one, but it was inconvenient because the UPS drivers and postal carriers would not deliver our packages when it was up.

    2. nep*

      I like the ‘beware of dog’ sign idea.
      Perhaps prominent signs that area is under camera surveillance? (Is it legal to put those whether under camera surveillance or not?)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I don’t see why you couldn’t put up a sign about cameras. There used to be (maybe still is) companies who made these signs.

        Def consider doing what the police say to do. I think that will be in your favor for insurance purposes also. Then ask the police to patrol regularly.

        I would also talk to the manager/owner of the restaurant. Maybe you can join forces.

    3. annon*

      What helped with us (locked fenced yard bordering a school, popular cut-through for kids going to/from it) was roaring out to confront them every time. Had to do it a few times, but we never caught the same person doing it twice, and after a few months, word apparently got around and it became pretty rare. We’re talking full on lights in the face if it was dark, stern raised voice, phone in hand, and not letting them complete their walk, but making them turn around and leave. And a lot of shaming of the “who the hell are you and what the hell are you thinking?” variety, loudly enough to attract attention from neighbors.

      Obviously, only do that if you feel safe enough to do so. I’d also call the police every time, in case they can catch someone nearby, and I’d definitely put up the no-trespassing signs. I’d also consider asking neighbors about how to handle it or posting on community forums, if there are any, in a kind of “this keeps happening, how do I protect myself?” way. And keep asking any relevant people what you are legally allowed or required to do to protect your property, etc. You say you can’t do barbed wire, but there may be other things you can do, beyond signs. I might even keep bothering all relevant people about the possibility of harm to myself/theft because a lot of people don’t think trespassing is that bad.

      Worse comes to worse, if it’s legal and you’re comfortable doing this, I’d honestly consider getting a gun. Not to shoot people, but so that when you confront the trespassers it is clear you’re serious. (We never had to do this – kids are fairly easy to scare, esp. if they know you know their parents – but we had friends whose house bordered a popular area to get drunk/high, and they had to resort to this.) Too many trespassers treat people lightly unless they think they might actually suffer consequences. Or, if you’re so inclined, get a dog.

      The most creative solution I ever saw was the guy who planted a four-foot-wide bed of cacti around all his fences. It wouldn’t stop someone getting through the gate – he obviously needed access to his own yard somehow – but it did make people think twice about jumping the fence anywhere else.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          Good idea! I live in the desert, so cacti are common here.

          Every time I see someone doing it, I yell out the door that they are trespassing. Unfortunately, the type of person who thinks it’s okay to trespass on private property is not generally the type of person who cares if someone yells at them.

          1. annon*

            Yeah, no one cares if you’re just yelling. We’d make it very clear we had a phone and were prepared to use it – fingers on the buttons – and we’d always go out and physically block/chase the kids and (except for a couple who were fast enough) blocked their way and left them no option but to go back the way they’d come. Being yelled at isn’t an inconvenience for them – not being able to take their shortcut is. Getting the cops called on them is, unless they’re really confident the cops won’t bother them.

            Though, we were dealing mostly with kids, and we were pretty confident none of our trespassers were going to hurt us. Dealing with a bunch of adults, I don’t know if I’d feel safe enough to do that.

          2. Bryce*

            As a bonus xeriscaping looks nice in the desert and conserves water, and I’m sure there are humorous “Beware of Cactus” signs out there on the internet.

              1. Mallory Janis Ian*

                That’s exactly what I was thinking: turn the [motion-activated] hose on them. Maybe have a wet slip ‘n’ slide under the fence for them to land on when they jump over. Then they’d slide flat onto their backs AND get the hose turned on them. And then you could come out and yell in their faces about what the h they think they’re doing, who the h they think they are, etc., etc.

                2. Lindsay J*

                  This sounds fun but if she’s already worried about possible liability due to injury, I don’t think sticking something slippery at the bottom of the fence is a great solution.

          3. nonegiven*

            Take your phone and get pictures. When you call the police, you can tell them where to find the trespasser and email the picture.

            2. E*

              Buy a game camera, they are motion activated and take night pics. Send pics to police. No need to go outside or interact with these trespassers in person.

        2. Tris Prior*

          I love it too! Natural deterrents are great. My mother had an issue with teens hopping her fence and smoking up in a secluded corner of her back yard. She dumped a big pile of manure and mushroom compost (super stinky!) there. No more teens smoking up in her yard after that!

    4. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Put up no trespass signs and throw a beware of dog in there too (You don’t need the actual dog but maybe a few accessories that make it look like a BIG dog lives there). Get a motion activated light in the spots where they like to jump over. Or try running the sprinklers at the times they are most likely to tresspass.

    5. The IT Manager*

      WTH? Why do so many people think climbing over a 9 ft tall fence a good idea? Is it a really long walk around and there didn’t used to be a fence?

      Is it possibly employees that get to work that way? Maybe mention it to the restaurant owner/manager.

      Other than that the thought process to hop a fence is so bizarre that I can’t imagine anything except maybe a large vicious dog would keep people out.

      1. annon*

        There are a surprisingly large number of people who have taken “the shortest distance between two points is a straight line” to heart. From my personal experience the only way to get them to stop was to make it far more inconvenient to deal with us than it was for them to go around.

        I also know at least one person furious at the concept of private ownership of property – unless it’s his, of course. He regularly goes on rants about how fences prevent him from walking where he pleases and enjoying the nature in their yards, and he blows off any concerns people have about their own rights as being brainwashed by capitalists.

        On a related tangent: this is why my father eventually moved out of the house where he had a pool – it was too hard to deal with the neighborhood kids who would go through any barrier he could come up with to get to it, and he was responsible if they got in and got hurt. Didn’t matter if it was a solid wood, locked, high fence and they’d cut through the bottom of it – didn’t matter that it wasn’t their property and they should know to stay out. He was told, repeatedly, that the kids might’ve trespassed but if they got in his barrier wasn’t good enough and that was on him. I always vaguely wondered what would’ve happened if he had gotten a dog and it bit one of the trespassing kids.

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        I have no idea why they do it. We live at the end of a cul-de-sac, so there are no other streets nearby. It’s not like we live next to an alley and it makes perfect sense for people to walk through as a shortcut. There’s literally NO reason for anyone to be on this street unless they live here, are visiting, or they make a wrong turn (we get lots of people turning around in the cul-de-sac because they don’t realize there is no outlet).

        1. annon*

          That makes me wonder if their GPS is leading them wrong. Not that it excuses trespassing, at all, but I’ve been taken down some weird routes by GPS or some of the online maps, including once trying to walk to work only to discover that the supposed sidewalk right up to the strip mall was, in fact, a tiny little unpaved track through a creek.

          1. fposte*

            I was wondering the same thing–Ms. C, have you run some routes via Google Maps, for instance, to see if they lead them through your yard?

          2. Mrs. Fenris*

            There is a sign near a dead end on St. John, USVI that says something like “This is a dead end. Google Maps is WRONG. There is no access to North Shore Road through here.” Google Maps is indeed very glitchy on that island and I guess the residents got tired of it.

          4. nonegiven*

            That would sure be something to check. Pick an address at the entrance to your cul de sac and ask Google for directions to the restaurant.

        2. LCL*

          That tells me that the trespassers are neighborhood kids/teens that aren’t driving. Also the fact that climbing a 9′ fence is easier for them than walking around. I think you should contact the restaurant owner and brainstorm.

          1. LCL*

            And get a sign at the head of the cul de sac ‘no through traffic to yellow brick road’. And a sign on your fence ‘road ends, no access to yellow brick road’

      3. Elizabeth West*

        Well, we did this in college to cut through a cemetery on the way to the mall, but it really WAS a long walk around. I would not even think of cutting through someone’s back yard, however.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          If it weren’t for the fence, I wouldn’t care too much about this as long as they weren’t littering or causing problems. I can empathize with someone who has a long walk to work or school. It’s the fact that a) they have to climb over a locked gate to get into the yard, so there is NO mistaking the yard for an alley or public walkway, and b) the fence is not in great condition, and I worry that someone will be injured and end up suing us (we rent, so it’s not our property yet, but we did add extra liability insurance to our rental policy in case something happens).

    6. Candy*

      Maybe a motion sensor light will discourage them? (Or if you’re really fed up — motion sensor sprinklers!)

      3. Not So NewReader*

        I have seen them at garden supply stores, they are used to discourage deer and other critters. This could be an interesting solution.

    7. annon*

      Also, is it worth talking to the restaurant management over this? I’m not sure what they could do – they aren’t the boss of their customers – but it’s possible they might be one of those places with a pretty close clientele or where management often chats with customers, and they might be able to mention it. I do find myself wondering if they have sufficient parking for their customers, or if they’re like many restaurants where I lived in college that have no or very weird, hard-to-access (or even find!) lots. If that’s the case, it’s possible they could make it clear where customers are expected to park.

      If it is the same people doing it over and over, and they live in your neighborhood and are just being lazy, I’d consider going over to their house and talking to them in person.

    8. Sawcebox*

      That sounds really frustrating! Why are people willing to go to the trouble of scaling a 9 foot fence in order to get to the restaurant? I’m assuming the alternative is a very long walk or something?

      Are you allowed anti-climb paint?

        2. LCL*

          I googled it. I was impressed. But the temperature range it gave was up to 35c, which the internetz said was 95F. The southwest US sees temps as high as 115F. Talk to the manufacturer before you spend the money.

          1. Sawcebox*

            Ah, maybe that’s why several people on this site seem not to have heard of it. It’s pretty common here in Ireland and in the UK. 35C is unheard of here!

    9. Yetanotherjennifer*

      What about thorny bushes? Raspberries, roses, etc. I’ve got raspberries growing on the north side of my house and they do fine so I wouldn’t worry too much about sun exposure. And cacti as mentioned earlier is also good. There’s all sorts of winter hardy ones if you live in a cold climate.

      Or how about a motion activated sprinkler?

      Definitely look into the legality of these things since you are essentially setting traps for people. Maybe the bushes don’t have to be thorny: bulky and in the way could be enough.

      1. annon*

        Thing is, roses, blackberries, etc. are perfectly acceptable things to put in your own yard. I would be pretty damn angry if I were told that I couldn’t put normal, common plants in my yard because a bunch of trespassers might get injured. By the same logic, you couldn’t own a dog if you got it to ward off trespassers. At least the raspberry bushes won’t chase you.

        Though I generally despise laws or rules that make it illegal to deter other illegal acts. Putting thorny bushes on my side of a fence, putting excess spice in food in my own lunchbox, the idea that I have to take some consideration for people who are themselves doing something wrong is galling. I mean, yes, don’t murder them. Don’t put rat poison in your lunch, don’t put an alligator moat under your fence. But it seems to me that if you trespass/steal/break into my stuff, you deserve what you get, and if you didn’t want consequences you shouldn’t have done it in the first place. Otherwise, it puts the rights of the criminal above the rights of their victim, which is disgusting to me.

        2. boop the first*

          This is great, the ONLY problem with it, is the time it takes for them to get large enough to be a deterrent. Before then, it will be extra sad when people break and enter and then trample every poor little plant that never got a chance.

        1. annon*

          Yes. Either that or my grandpa rigged something. It’s a damn good way to piss off your neighbors, though if you point out to them every time they get upset that it only goes off with trespassers, it might be worth it.

          Just, if you do the motion-activated stuff, especially bright floodlights or sounds, try to make it so that it doesn’t go off for common animals or rain/wind. Please. I had one neighbor with really sensitive floodlights pointed right at my house, and so at night you basically couldn’t look out the back windows without the risk of being blinded.

          On the motion-sensor stuff, I am wondering about trail cams. If you snapped photos of the trespassers would the cops take it more seriously? I suppose if the reason they’re not arresting them is because they lack proof, that might be a solution.

        2. nep*

          That would be great. Sure, it would perhaps disturb the owners and neighbours, but probably would have to be activated only once or twice to get the job done. Does this exist?

    11. Anono-me*

      Blackberry, Baybery and Yuca plants.

      No trespassing/not responsible for injuries signs.

      “Holy guacamole, that’s bright!” motion sensor lights.

      Motion triggered recording of dog from Cujo. (Only if you don’t have a dog, but I don’t think you do.)

      Security cameras. *

      Talk to the restaurant. This is their problem, but your pain. Make it clear that you will be escalating the issue to the city licensing department and if it is a chain restaurant that you will escalate to corporate.

      Complain to corporate if this is a chain.

      Complain to the city licensing department. See if any neighbors have complaints and try to get them to file complaints also. Most restaurants in or adjacent to residential areas have strict license requirement to minimize the business’s impact on people’s homes.

      *Pictures will be good if it is the same few people doing this regularly and especially if they are restaurant employees. (How many people regularly dress up to go out to dinner and scale a couple of 9 foot fences each way? I know that being asked to dinner and then having being in amateur American Ninja Warrior sprung on me would not go well.)

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        It’s a fast-food place, so nobody is dressing up. :) It’s also a chain, so I could go to corporate if necessary.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          The company may have a “good neighbor” policy in place. One company here is diligent about taking care of property lines such as installing fences and periodically replacing the fences. They also do mowing and plant things to help with a good neighbor relationship.

    12. AvonLady Barksdale*

      If you lived near me, I would loan you my dog for a few nights. He is sweet as pie and extremely gentle, but when people approach the house, his bark sounds really fierce. Impractical, I know. I love the motion-sensor sprinkler idea, quite frankly…

      1. annon*

        Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I think the sprinkler idea is utterly brilliant. Not only does it soak them so they are probably going to be uncomfortable sitting in a restaurant, it makes them pretty easy to identify unless it’s raining or the restaurant frequently tosses water on its patrons. It also doesn’t remotely hurt anyone, so the likelihood of you getting in any trouble over it is very low, and, well, plants need water anyway.

        Though the kids in my previous neighborhood would’ve run through on dares/when it was hot, so it could be just exchanging one problem for another.

    13. Temperance*

      Can you put up those things that deter pigeons? Not technically barbed wire, but would hurt if some dumbass tried to climb it.

      1. Undine*

        OOh, there’s sticky stuff for pigeons, gets all over your hands and clothes. You could put it on the top of the fence. The brand I’ve heard of is Roost No More.

    14. Anon anon anon*

      Plant thorny vines that will drape over the fence so people won’t even bother. You’re not brainwashed by capitalists; you love nature.

      Also, I’m pretty sure it’s legal to film or photograph things that happen on your own property. How about motion activated cameras? You could say they’re for wildlife. But I think all it would take is one public online post saying something like, “Look what our wildlife camera picked up last night! We got some great shots of racoons and barn owls and also Dr. Fergus tumbling over the fence at 1:00 in the morning. Is that a wine stain on his shirt? And who are those other people? I don’t recognize them. Maybe you can help.”

    16. ST*

      Motion activated flood lights helped me stop similar.

      Motion activated camera is also a useful tool (along with a sign indicating pics are going to the police and charges will be made).

    18. boop the first*

      If it gets to the point where you’re super desperate, maybe move the fence inward a couple of feet and leave a little sidepath? The situation sounds just awful and I think the restaurant should take more responsibility…

      I’m trying to imagine how on earth climbing around private yards seems like a reasonable alternative to JUST GOING TO THE RESTAURANT. Does the restaurant have a moat in the front? Is it facing the edge of a cliff and people just drop off to their death if they leave through the front? Is it turned backwards? Do you live in a weird dream?

    21. Kelly*

      I wanna know what they are selling at that restaurant!! It would take a LOT for me to even consider scaling a 9ft fence to get to food. That just seems absurd.
      Kelly

  11. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Last Saturday night, I was attending an outdoor event and I stepped into a hard-to-see hole in the lawn. At the time, I was just a little scraped up; thankfully, I was wearing loafers, not heels, and the wine I spilled on myself was white. I also stained my white jeans, but they were super cheap and it was the end of the summer, so no harm done, right?

    Wrong. Big, fat wrong. After Rosh Hashanah services on Wednesday evening, I came home and couldn’t walk without difficulty, nor could I bend my knee without pain. I was already dealing with some runner’s knee issues, and apparently fall just bungled everything up. On Thursday afternoon, after another day of services, including one where we all walked– wearing sneakers!– to a stream, I went to the orthopedic urgent care. All ligaments are intact, but I have some arthritis (normal) and some bad inflammation. I’m on a very strong anti-inflammatory and doing much better, but I can only be on my feet for about 30 minutes before I start to have pain and stiffness in my knee again. I am stubborn, so I cleaned my bathroom and kitchen this morning, but now I’m elevating with Call the Midwife on in the background. This is annoying more than anything. BLECH.

    1. Becca*

      ACK, that sucks! It’s never fun to get injured but right before the high holidays… yikes.

      Shana tova. I hope you’re recovered soon!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Shana tova to you too! And thank you. You know what really sucked? I had an aliyah! The one where you walk around with the Torah. I managed just fine, but man, the knee put a damper on things.

    2. fposte*

      Ouch! Do you have a knee brace? I swear by those; they handle stabilizing the joint for me when I can’t. It’s a bit fiddly figuring out what’s the best for your particular situation, but drugstore ones can be a fine place to start.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I do have one! I was using it for the runner’s knee issue, but with the inflammation it was just unbearable. Once all the swelling goes down, I’ll be back in it… and cursing the gods of Neoprene because I hate that stuff.

    3. Triplestep*

      Ugh, sorry this happened to you.

      I have been dealing with joint pain in one knee, and Achilles tendinitis in the opposite leg. I can’t take anti-inflammatories, so I eliminated a few things from my diet and it really seemed to help. I think wheat, dairy and sugar elimination did the most good. I have since gone back to eating a little dairy and sugar on occasion, and I still seem to be OK.

      I also discovered that completely flat shoes made the pain worse – wearing something with a small wedge and not sitting for long periods of time at work really helped. Might have had something to do with just keeping things moving, lubricated and kind of warmed up.

      L’shana Tova; hope you’re feeling better by Yom Kippur. (Lots of sitting and standing required, but hey at least it’s a complete elimination diet!)

    4. Anoa*

      Ugh, that sucks. I had whiplash from a low speed crash in may, and it took z couple of months to get over fully. Rest and physical therapy helped a lot. I aggravated it when I’d continue to push through and garden/do chores. Rest if you can- it can make recovery much quicker.

  12. Candy*

    I’m 37 and planning to go back to school. So come Spring I’m going to be sitting in classes with 19 year olds. Not to mention, I already work at the university so I’m also going to be going from being a peer with many faculty to their student. Has anyone else done this? Is it going to be as awful as I imagine?

    1. Lady Jay*

      Good for you, for going back to school! Will you go full time or part time, switching back & forth between working and studenting?

      As for the being 37-in-a-group-of-19-year-olds thing, yeah, that can be awkward. But the 19 year olds will benefit from having you there; the older students in my classes (I teach first-year college coursework) are always great students, with insightful things to say, and are sometimes a good role model to the younger students of being mature, and of pursuing goals. Also, even if you feel like you’re the only one, you’re not really; a family member of mine is nearly 60 and is going back to school for a certificate that will allow her to be a nurse’s assistant. She’s in the class with a bunch of people in their early 20s.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. I was 34 when I first went to college. Most of my classmates were in the 19-22 range, with a few older ones (older than me, too). I was worried, too, but it actually worked out well. There’s an advantage to being the older/oldest one in the class, because the others can learn from you. You’ve been there, done that and can offer some great insights. I ended up really liking that I was the oldest one, because when it came to group projects they all wanted me. :) And that was Not The Case in high school and elementary school, so it was pretty nice. And when it came to a group project, I found that they usually looked at me for guidance. But that also means if someone is slacking off on their part of the assignment, you’re usually the one that gets elected to speak to them. I had to drop someone from the group once and it wasn’t fun. But she wasn’t doing anything she was supposed to do, so…

        Good luck!

    2. Amadeo*

      I took some classes a year and a half or so ago at 35. I was staff at a university, not faculty, but it was fine. I was one of five women in a Java programming class and developed a small crowd of young men who would sit around because I had nearly 20 years on them and the life skills required to actually figure some stuff out. There were a couple admitting to getting A’s in the class because of me. LOL.

      You’ll be fine! It’s not bad at all.

      1. Candy*

        I just imagined you looking like that dana scully gif where she has half a dozen men trying to light her cigarette

        1. Amadeo*

          LOL, not quite, but I was always the first go-to before they bothered to ask the instructor (who was brilliant, but had a little bit of a language barrier and also suffered that trait that some very smart people who are very good at logic things like math have of not quite being sure why you don’t get it and don’t know how to help you get it).

    3. Red*

      I’ve been a 16 year old college student sitting next to an 82 year old student. It was really valuable to have the variety of perspectives in the class. Just remember that you are important.

    4. Forrest Rhodes*

      Good on ya, Candy. I think you’re going to love the whole experience. I was 40 years old on my first day of college, and as a full-time student with two part-time jobs.

      I spent the first two weeks eating lunch alone in my car because I was sure nobody would want to talk to the geezer, but quickly found out I was wrong—the class material itself was a great leveler. It didn’t matter that my eventual study buddies were 19, 26, and 34 years old; we were all wrestling with the rate-of-change problems in the Calculus homework, or with assigning a part of speech to every word in the poem “The Jabberwock” for English. Discussions in History classes were great—my own older family members’ personal stories of WWII and the Great Depression raised topics that the younger students had never considered (or, in the case of one exchange student, about which they’d been sadly misinformed).

      Also, the half-my-age students were in awe of the history I’d experienced personally—for instance, that I was actually alive during Watergate—and they couldn’t stop asking questions about it. Most of my teachers said they loved having the more grownup students in class because of the perspectives that the elders added to the discussions. One of my professors referred to his older students as “commandos”; he said, “They’re here for the learning, and they’re not going to let [the teacher] out the door until they get it!”

      And it wasn’t like I was monopolizing every class—my student colleagues taught me a lot as well. Not room enough here to talk about all of it.

      Sorry to go on at such length, but again, I think you’re going to really enjoy the process in addition to obtaining your degree. It’s tough (organizing class schedules with the needs of work and family, for instance); but it’s energizing, you learn fascinating stuff, and it’ll take you in directions you haven’t even thought of yet. My current circumstances don’t permit it, but given the slightest chance I’d start on another degree tomorrow just to be on a campus again and inside the academic environment.

      All the best to you.

    5. Yetanotherjennifer*

      My husband did that at 40+ and it was fine. He was one o 3 or 4 “old guys” in each of his programs. Everyone knew his name after orientation — he’s also just one of those memorable guys. Professors appreciate students who can offer another perspective. Yes, some of those kids will seem painfully young but one of my best friends is 15 years older than me and you’d never realize there’s an age difference.

      What you’ll really notice is stage of life difference. My husband was the only student in his program to be married with a child and a mortgage. Student health insurance was designed for healthy 18-year-olds. I once dated someone who had gone straight from undergrad to grad school while I was in the work world, and yes, he was immature, but a big piece of our problems were in the difference in lifestyles.

      Honestly, I think you’ll forget about the age and lifestyle difference pretty quickly and just see your classmates as individuals.

    6. Temperance*

      It will be fine! Just don’t do the thing I’ve seen many adult learners do where they just keep participating in class to talk about their children / life experience when it’s not relevant. You’ll be great!

    7. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Just completed 4 semesters at college full time. I’m 55. Most of the time I was older than the prof. Some of the biggest challenges I found were centered around group work. The other students expected me to take charge each and every time. No matter how hard I pushed back for someone else to take up the mantle for once. Managing a bunch of kids was unpleasant due to lack of work ethic. One major project I got the last person’s contribution at 5am the day we were to present it. I warned the prof in advance that our project was going to be uneven due to the lack of cooperation from some of the other people. Fortunately I got marked separately from the rest of the group due to warning the prof in advance of the troubles.

      Technology is far more pervasive. Never used notebooks. Everything was done on my laptop. In many courses everything was done in powerpoint so we just downloaded the slideshow and made notes using the speaker notes function.

      Tests were all done using bubble cards. Very few essay type exams. Instead it’s mostly multiple choice which I fully admit I hate with a passion.

      Working at the school likely saves you from getting nickeled and dimed with fees for everything. I found they had a fee for everything but breathing.

      Ultimately it depends why you are going back to school. If it’s for the love of learning you will likely greatly enjoy it. I went back to college for a hoped for career change. Discovered I hate the field so now I’m looking at going back to what I was doing for a living previously.

    8. Nacho*

      It’s not that unusual for people your age to go back to school anymore. I know I had a few in my classes. If they ever found it awkward, they never let it show, and the rest of us didn’t really pay them any mind. Except for one guy who used to operate a nuclear submarine for the navy before going to school to get a degree in chemistry. It was obvious that everything we were learning was beneath him, and he acted as an unofficial TA for most of the classes he was in. Everyone loved him.

    9. Chameleon*

      I went back to school at 30, and it was actually quite nice. Like many have said, the classwork is a great leveler–everyone is at the same place with regard to the material. Being older made me more confident and more driven so I could engage in the material with a lot more interest.

      And speaking as current faculty–yes, your profs will treat you as a student, but as an adult student. After the class is over, they should resume more of a peer-type relationship. I would look forward to it–best decision of my life!

    10. Fake old Converse shoes*

      I’m 28 and once a week I share a classroom with a bunch of 18 y.o. boys that are definitely NOT interested in studying. A couple of weeks ago I had some sharp words with one that claimed that optional coursework is for losers. I don’t know who is more annoyed, the professor or me.

    11. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I taught graduate classes as an adjunct and loved having more experienced adults in my class! They brought real-world experience to the discussions which was really helpful.

    12. Kat*

      Not me, but my dad went back to college after I was born, when he was in his mid 40’s. He was older than some of his professors, even. He said it helped that he didn’t live on campus, and that he never really felt connected to the other students, but at that point he also didn’t really mind. Ended up with his masters and a good teaching job until he retired.

    13. Pam*

      You go! We older students tend to be the curve busters- we have already learned to buckle down and work.

      Mine was the opposite of yours- I returned for a degree and then started workng. It was fine. Out of courtesy to the other students, I would call them by title in class, unless they invite all students to use first names.

    14. Elizabeth West*

      Nah, I’ve been a non-traditional student twice, and I had classes with them when I was in music school fresh out of HS. It is not awful. You’ll all be doing the same class work, and that’s a great leveler.

    15. many bells down*

      I did! It was actually great. Well, I didn’t work at the university but I was of an age with a lot of my professors (pretty sure I had a few years on one of my math profs). I loved going back to school; sadly, we had to move for my husband’s job before I was able to finish.

    16. Not That Jane*

      I did something similar: went back to community college classes full time for a year to update my teaching credential. I was 30, most of my peers were 18, and I went from being a teacher of 18-year-olds to sitting in class next to them. (Not the same people, just the same age group.)

      I didn’t find it awful, in general. A few things that helped were:
      (1) I stopped putting pressure on myself to “make friends” in my classes. I can be very social and usually want to interact with classmates, but it just didn’t work with the age difference.
      (2) I felt very free to turn down any “want to be in a study group?” requests that seemed too one-sided to me. I’m a very good student, plus having the 12 additional years of maturity, made me attractive as a “study buddy” to kids who didn’t want to do as much work. I Noped the heck out of that.
      (3) paradoxically, though, unnoticed I also felt more comfortable if the professors also knew I was a high school teacher. It felt like I could interact adult-to-adult and educator-to-educator, which helped me not feel as much like a misfit in their classes.

      Good luck!!

    17. Kerr*

      As a young student, I always enjoyed having older fellow students in my classes. They brought extra experience and knowledge with them, and quite often their skills wowed the entire class. Beyond that, I don’t think anyone cared – it was certainly never An Issue in any class I attended.

  13. nep*

    Stepped out of the comfort zone this morning and I’m so glad I did (as is generally the case). I’d known about this place for a long time — it’s a nearby gym that does Olympic lifting training. I’ve done a few lifting clinics in the past and I work on some of the moves on my own, but I’m still very much a rookie.
    I tend to sit at home and talk myself out of doing That New Thing…going to that unfamiliar place where I don’t know anyone and I’ll be clumsy and everyone will be super fit and perfect wonder what the hell I’m doing there.
    None of that. Everyone was great (of course). Coaches sweet and super helpful. Lifts were made, lifts were missed. I learned some great technique tips. All around an excellent couple of hours. I’m grateful.
    Sooooo glad I didn’t give in to the pathetic little voice in my head this morning.

    1. Annie Mouse*

      From a fellow ‘little voice that says “why bother, you won’t fit in”‘ fighter this last week or so, well done! Glad you had fun.

      I went to the local climbing wall last week to join in their ‘come and climb, you don’t need a partner’ night, only to find it wasn’t on. The people who go were there anyway so I offered an introduction, and I nearly said no. Sooo glad I didn’t as I had a great night, and went back this week :)

    3. Ms Ida*

      My little voice also has a lot of excuses for not doing new things. good for you ignoring it and doing something new. It sounds like a lot of fun!

      1. nep*

        Truly, that little voice has all the excuses. I was sitting here at the computer about 15 minutes before I would have to get going…thinking, ‘Who are you kidding? You’re not going.’ I got so sick of this wussy awful thing inside that is NOT ME, not who I want to be…I got up, got dressed, and off I went. The more I can slay that voice the better.

  14. Jules the First*

    Grumpy about all the press complaining about Uber’s licence being pulled in London. Rant beginning…

    People! If you cannot take an Uber, you have alternatives! Yes, you can take a black cab (eye-wateringly expensive if you’re going outside zone 1), the night tube (patchy coverage), or the night bus (only in a large group!) but there’s also this lovely invention called a mini cab.

    You book it using an app, you pay via the app and get a receipt by email, they text you when they arrive (so no waiting outside), you can track the journey, someone always knows where you are, you get the driver’s name and phone number and plate number, you pay a fixed fare (no surge!)…and you get a driver who’s licensed, insured, and passed a criminal background check. Number of passengers raped last year in a mini cab? Zero. Number of passengers raped last year in an Uber? 32.

    Uber deserves to have its licence pulled if it’s not willing to comply with safety regulations.

    Rant over…

    1. Ange*

      Yeah, I was a bit surprised by that. I mean, people managed to travel around London before Uber….
      Plus it is clearly Uber’s fault for being dodgy and not TfL’s for trying to keep people safe.

    2. annon*

      It’s not just the safety regs for passengers that make me think they deserve to get their license pulled, but how they treat their drivers, too. And while I don’t know specifically if this is a problem with Uber, I know other “sharing economy” businesses like AirBnB have issues with dodging taxes, which I also think is inexcusable. (Nobody likes paying taxes, dammit, but pay your share anyway or go somewhere else. Taxes pay for society.)

      I have a lot of problems with the Uber/AirBnB sharing economy stuff. Maybe I’m an awful cynic, but the more I hear the less I like or trust them.

    3. Becca*

      I heard about it on NPR last night. What really gets my eyes rolling is how Uber tries to pin the blame on taxis and a “small but loud” group of people “maligning” Uber’s name… as if they weren’t doing it to themselves!

      1. Jules the First*

        In London. I was just looking at the statistics the other day, trying to explain to a friend why I will happily use a car service or mini cab but won’t uber (or Air BnB for that matter).

    5. Parenthetically*

      I had the same feeling. Like look, if you’re not willing to comply with rules and regs, you can’t complain if your license gets pulled. Everyone needs to be subject to safety regs and it’s so bizarre to me that that’s controversial.

      1. annon*

        I really hate the idea, which seems to be common among a certain stripe of entrepreneur, that rules only exist to be broken by a creative/daring enough person. It’s uncomfortably similar to the mindset a lot of toxic, entitled people have, that rules are for sheep, for common folk, for people who aren’t them, and that the only purpose they serve is to allow the rulebreakers to exploit others’ general willingness to follow rules. It’s con-man thinking.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Agreed. I’m not much of a conformist myself (I’m a “Questioner” in Gretchen Rubin’s four tendencies framework), but rules like this exist — and work! — to protect the actual safety of actual humans. They’re not burdensome over-regulation of creative, out-of-the-box thinking. They stop people from getting raped. It shouldn’t be hard to get on board with them.

          1. annon*

            Exactly. Are there stupid rules? Sure. But rules aren’t generally put in place just to cramp your style, and approaching things with some thought and some empathy for all the other human beings in the picture is necessary. It’s the lack of empathy that really gets to me about these people – thinking that striking it rich or whatever matters more than the actual safety or rights of others.

            And even if the law is stupid, breaking it comes with consequences. Maybe ones you consider worth paying, but don’t whine when consequences happen.

            1. Anon anon anon*

              It’s that attitude of, “Rules are for everyone except really smart/rich/special people like me,” that’s so messed up and irritating. “The rules don’t apply if you can get away with breaking them.” “The rules don’t apply if you can hire a really good lawyer or rely on your connections to get you out of stuff.” It’s social Darwinism.

              Questioning and disagreeing with rules is a whole different thing. It doesn’t have to go with the idea that rules are for some people but not others.

              1. annon*

                Yep, exactly. Like the rich person who speeds because they know they can afford the fines, if anyone even bothers to ticket them. They get a rush out of it and get to show off how powerful they are, so who cares if a bunch of plebes get run off the road?

                It’s lawbreaking as status-symbol or lawbreaking as a weird form of gumption, and I’m not sure which explanation angers me more.

          2. nep*

            Same. I’m the first one to scoff at what seem like arbitrary rules. I’m quite a non-conformist. But I’ve always said that when it comes to traffic/driving, hooray for rules. It’s about keeping people alive. Hell even *with* the rules people do stupid stuff behind the wheel and put others in danger. Some rules are indispensable, and what’s needed sometimes is stricter enforcement.

          3. AcademiaNut*

            Plus, people look and go “ooh, that’s cheap!” and don’t stop to think that a lot of those regulations were built up over decades (or centuries) because of Bad Things that happened. Like the fact that hotels have stricter regulations than private houses when it comes to things like fire safety, for example. Or for that matter, discovering that an AirBnB customer counts as a tenant after a certain amount of time, and has to be formally evicted by a lengthy process if they refuse to pay.

            Uber got fined and kicked out of Taiwan for evading required fees, and then rebranded and is trying again. And the thing is, cabs in Taipei are cheap and convenient. I came out of a party with a friend, and he proudly explained his Uber app and showed how he could see that the car was coming in 8 minutes. Then I waved good-bye, hopped in taxi and left him to wait.

            In the US, there’s litigation over whether Uber drivers count as employees or contractors. They’re currently treated as the latter, which means that they aren’t eligible for minimum wage or unemployment insurance (or any other benefits like work-based health insurance), and have to pay all their own payroll taxes.

            1. Mike C.*

              In my industry, you can trace so many different regulations back to specific air crashes. I’ve heard old timers say “FAA regs are written in blood” and to a certain extent is have to agree with them.

              1. Lindsay J*

                Yup, I’ve heard that saying loads of times.

                S0metimes I get annoyed because it seems like the industry as a whole is more reactionary than it is pro-active. However, I guess being reactionary and passing laws and regulations after the fact is better than not doing anything about the issue at all.

                And it stops me from grumbling to myself about how stupid it is that I can’t ship PBEs aboard an aircraft when I think “well, we don’t want another ValuJet 592”. Sometimes the rules are really really important.

        2. Anon anon anon*

          Exactly. Very well put. And you encounter this mentality all over society, from high up in the corporate world to every day low lifes running scams and conning people. It’s a good thing to watch out for – that attitude of entitlement.

        4. Mike C.*

          But it’s ~ disruption ~!!

          Then they start talking about wanting to enter really heavily regulated industries with “biohacking” and “Uber for helicopters with ‘independent’ pilots who only need sport licenses.” The latter actually comes from an Uber white paper and the dude who posted it was livid when I pointed out the numerous ways it would be illegal or get people killed. Either that or it was because I started to throw around the term “investor story time”.

          1. annon*

            I keep thinking of what one of my favorite teachers told me – that you have to understand the rules of grammar before you break them. I think that’s what bothers me so much with these people: they don’t have any sense of why the rules they break exist, just that they are stopping them from doing what they want.

            It’s one thing to break a rule thoughtfully, having thought out the reasons and consequences. It’s another to just be like “hell with rules” and do whatever you want.

          2. Lindsay J*

            Jesus fucking Christ.

            Like I can get how people can think that personal drones or even ones for commercial use are NBD. I mean, they are, but on the surface they seem innocent enough.

            But Uber via helicopter with underlicensed pilots? I can’t see how anyone could look at that and say, “seems like a totally great idea. I don’t know why nobody’s ever done that before,” or at least I don’t understand how they could maintain that outlook after doing even a modicum of thought or research.

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      But the license isn’t necessarily pulled though – they will be operating while they appeal and appeal and appeal and appeal and eventually come to an agreement with TfL. I doubt Uber are going anywhere, and if Lyft were smart they would get their act together and enter the market now to pick up drivers with a solid proposition.

      The cabbies have to adapt to the new realities of the market and Uber needs to adjust to accept the regulatory realities of the market. Both sides need to work towards the other. But let’s not make saints out of the minicab and black cab drivers either here.

      1. nep*

        Yes — my understanding from the Guardian article is that given the appeals process, Uber could be operating for a long time to come.

        1. Jules the First*

          Not really. They have three weeks to appeal and they get one appeal. TfL are pretty hardass about safety.

          Once they’ve appealed and lost, they have to reapply for the licence, which means halting operations while they wait for it to clear. I have no problem with Uber operating in London as long as they are subject to the right safety rules. And since the reason cabs and mini cabs are more expensive than Uber is because they have to comply with these rules….there goes the business model.

      2. Mike C.*

        All those other companies needed was to be more responsive and have an app – Uber needs massive, massive changes to how they operate. For one thing, they’re still massively unprofitable.

    8. Jessi*

      oooo Whats the name of the app? I lived in London all of last year and there are so many options for getting around the city!

      1. Jules the First*

        Gett uses black cabs, but at a fixed, discounted rate. Hailo also does black cabs and can be more convenient at weird hours. Addison Lee and Green Tomato both have full featured Uber-like apps, excellent safety records, and relatively reasonable rates.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      Uber has had problems in the States with this, so it’s not just TfL and the London cabbies. Blaming them is wrong-headed. It’s Uber’s problem and they need to fix it if they want to operate anywhere. I think they’ve been banned in cities here too. And they need to treat their good drivers better, IMO.

      I do wish London cabs weren’t so expensive, because I like them a lot. They’re like tiny limousines! (It’s the shape.) And it’s fun when you get a chatty cabbie. :D But I’m okay riding the tube and the bus, and I’m not afraid–nobody ever bothers me. I guess I have resting “F*ck with me and you die” face, LOL.

    10. Maya Elena*

      Uber is a huge multinational company with really high driver churn in many markets so the ability to come up with 32 criminal drivers is really not indicative of anything.

    11. Maya Elena*

      Uber has done an excellent job of f-ing up an innovative and pretty great business model through really stupid moves like driver mistreatment an idiot ex-CEO. That said, the Uber experience offers reliable transportation and good customer service at a better rate than taxis, at least in my US experience, and thus fills a real niche – hence its stratospheric success. And it is really naive to claim that all the regulatory opposition was out of selfless concern for safety; at least some of it is attributable to a lobby by an industry that is known for crappy service and doesn’t like having to change. So the question is, how much of the London decision truly public-spirited, if much of the public liked Uber, and how much is it kowtowing to special interests? And if it’s the latter, isn’t it reasonable to be upset by it? I’ll leave Londoners to tell us the truth of the matter.

      Also, a fair assessment of the sharing economy’s safety is as compared to existing alternatives, not perfect safety. If there were 62 rapes in taxis or on thr tube last year (not a real number – made up as a thought experiment!), Uber would be doing better. If anyone knows those numbers that would be cool to compare.

      1. Jules the First*

        The stats are in my first post. 32 people were raped in a London Uber last year. No one was raped in a licensed mini cab or black cab (which are the competitors).

        Black cab drivers train for several years (they’re not supposed to look at a map – they have to know where they’re going) and go through hefty criminal background checks. Basically, a black cabbie is as trustworthy as a cop.

        Anyone else who wants to drive the public around (mini cabs, chauffeurs) has to pass a test, provide proof of insurance, and pass a detailed background check which has to be repeated regularly. The company that employs them must also ensure that the vehicle being driven is clean, well maintained, and properly insured. They are not allowed to pick passengers up off the street – it has to be booked by phone or app with an operator who takes down start and finish addresses, contact details, and agrees a price.

        Uber is in trouble because they are not properly checking the status of their drivers (both when they sign up and at regular intervals thereafter), they are not properly checking and logging the condition of the vehicles being used, and they have not intstituted a way to allow passengers to confirm the identity of the driver. Once they solve those issues, they will be welcome to operate.

      2. Mike C.*

        The price is only subsidized because of massive influxes of VC cash. They’re massively unprofitable and that’s after what is likely a massive misclassification of drivers.

      3. Lindsay J*

        My problem is that Uber itself spends a ton of money lobbying and purchasing commercials etc to push public opinion in their favor while obfuscating the real issue at hand.

        Uber and Lyft stopped operating in Austin Texas for awhile because they did not want to comply with the regulatory issues. And it was the same regulations that any service providing public transportation in the city had to comply with. It’s not like the cabbie unions were trying to push extra laws for Uber that they themselves didn’t have to comply with. And it’s not like they were trying to artificially limit competition with a medallion system or similar. lIt’s that anyone who drove a cab or similar had to have a full background check, including finger-printing, etc. Uber came in and there were no laws for companies that employed drivers that were not cab companies, because there were no companies like that in the past. But the spirit of the law was basically, “everyone driving other people around for money has to go through this process” so they changed the letter of the law to match the spirit.

        And instead of complying, Uber took their ball and went home. They thought that by threatening to pull out of the area they could strongarm the city government into changing their rules because “OMG, we can’t lose Uber.” The government did not change.

        They also threatened to pull out of Houston shortly before the Superbowl for similar reasons.

        And honestly, Uber could definitely afford to comply with the regulations. Because they’d most likely push the cost off onto the drivers like they do with everything else.

        They problem is that if the drivers have to go through additional hoops to drive, that’s going to significantly cut their driver pool (some people aren’t going to be willing/able to front the money for the background check and inspection, some people will fail the background check or inspection, some people who weren’t too into the idea of driving but were willing to do it because it was ridiculously easy to start are going to drop if there is really any sort of barrier to entry.) Less drivers on the road means that the remaining drivers are more valuable, and so Uber has to compensate them and treat them better in order to keep them driving.

        Currently Uber does little to nothing to keep their drivers happy and on the road. They don’t need to, because there isn’t much skill involved to be a driver (thought there is to be a good, safe driver), and for every person who realizes that it is not worth their time, effort, or cash outlay to stay on the road and quits, there is another person lured in with the unrealistic promises of quick, easy cash to take their place. Finding an Uber driver who has stuck with if for a year is rare. In my experience, most burn out within a couple of months.

        And if you think about it, really, do you want to be driven around by someone who was dissuaded from driving because they had to undergo a background check, finger-printing, and a motor vehicle inspection? I really think that if those things were going to put you off from becoming a driver, it’s probably better that you don’t drive people around. And yes, I do accept that this means that some people who are really destitute but would otherwise have made good drivers would be excluded. However, the requirement for your car to be under a certain age probably eliminates most of those people anyway. And really, if you are so destitute that you can’t afford to save up or borrow between $25 and $100 to get background checked etc, what is the likelihood that you’ve been able to upkeep your car in tip-top shape, gotten your oil changes on time, and have fresh tires that aren’t going to blow in the middle of a ride. And what’s the likelihood that you’re able to afford car insurance that will cover the commercial use (Uber’s insurance will cover you while you have a passenger in the vehicle, but not if you’re driving without a passenger because you’ve just dropped someone off or whatever, and many car insurance companies will not cover you at all or charge a much higher premium if you use your car for any type of ridesharing etc).

        And the way they present the info to the public is misleading. If you ask most people, “Hey, do you think that Uber drivers should have to go through the same types of background checks that cab drivers do,” most people say “yes”. If you say, “Does it sound like a good idea for Uber drivers to have to be background checked and fingerprinted, and for them to have to have the vehicle they use inspected yearly?” I bet most people would say “yes” as well. If you listen to radio ads and see billboards, etc, about the “Onerous new regulations” that were “pushed by the cab companies” because “they don’t want to and can’t compete with us so they’re trying to kill us with regulations” you get an entirely different picture and an entirely different answer.

        This is all from someone who drove for Uber for awhile, (and my boyfriend actually went out and purchased a new car mostly so he could drive for the upper-level categories and make more money than driving for X), and I do use Uber a lot because it is convenient and it serves areas where cabs do not. (In my hometown the nearest cab would be 30 miles away from the town border at least, so getting a cab to take you to work when your car won’t start, or to take you to the grocery store or whatever isn’t an option. And I do like that no matter what city I go to or where in the world I am, I can be pretty sure that I can get a ride woithout downloading a different app, dealing with language barriers, etc.

        I don’t want Uber to die.

        However, the fact at the moment is that they are so cheap because of A. venture capitalist money that will eventually run out. B. Because they are skirting regulations traditional companies have to follow. If taxi companies could get away with not paying their drivers a fair wage, not paying to have their drivers background checked and commercially licensed, not paying to have their vehicles inspected, foisting the cost of vehicle maintenance and upkeep and gas onto their drivers, etc, then cab fares would be able to be a lot lower as well.

        At this point I’ve begun to think that maybe Uber’s role in the transportation business will be the same as the original Napster was for the music industry. Like before Napster, buying music sucked. You could only buy full albums or sometimes select singles, albums cost like $20 each, you had no way of knowing you would like the other 9 songs on the album that weren’t played on the radio but after you brought the CD you’d be stuck with it, you couldn’t get ahold of more obscure stuff unless you had connections.

        And then Napster came along and it was awesome. You could listen to whatever you wanted whenever you wanted without paying a cent. You could download just that one song from the album, or the band’s whole discography or anything in between. You could hear all the songs on an album before you decided you wanted to buy it or not. You could take a chance on listening to something new and not be out money if it didn’t work out. It was a whole new world. Unfortunately, that new world was based on fundamentally violating laws that were in place for a reason.

        However, after Napster was litigated and died, some significant legal changes came to the industry. Like iTunes came about. And you could buy an individual song for $.99 rather than buying the whole album. And the album price became more like $9.99 instead of $19.99. And you could preview a bit of the song before you brought it to see if you would like it. And you weren’t limited to just what was on the shelf at your local store – there was still some stuff you couldn’t get but a lot more that you could. It was a middle ground and pretty much everyone was happy. Paying $.99 wasn’t as great as being free, but you also weren’t worried about getting nabbed by the RIAA for illegal downloading. The distributors and artists weren’t making as much money as they were before, but less was better than zero, and their costs were reduced because they didn’t have to pay for the physical media to be sent to the customer.

    12. Floundering Mander*

      I agree. Sure there are maybe some aspects of the London cab system that could be relaxed but I have never felt comfortable with Uber. I’ve only used it a handful of times and only when I’m with other people who insisted on using it.

      In a city like London there are so many ways to get around by public transportation that I’m surprised it has done so well. Obviously late night or early morning pose problems that only a cab can solve, but calling an Uber because it’s cheap doesn’t make much sense to me when the bus is cheaper and has CCTV.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        I used to think that way too until you try dragging a bunch of suitcases around the tube, try to get to the airport for an early flight, or have to change a bus or two to get where you are going, many of which may not have space for luggage or will take ages to get to where you are going.

        We used an Uber to get from our house to Blackfriars station on Tuesday evening in order to catch the tube to Heathrow. We had a ton of luggage and the guy even hefted it over a railing for us. He was polite, timely, and knew the roads without the gps anyway. I’ve shared Ubers with workmates in getting from one really difficult location in East London to get back to either a train station or our neighborhood (while drunk), and it was a godsend. Or from one afterwork party to another. Or the night we took a packed bus after a show from Alexandra Palace down to Finsbury Park tube station and got an Uber from there because to get to our neighborhood at the time was going to involve two more trains and going into central and an hour compared to 15 mins in an Uber. Forget finding a black cab up there. The night bus is romantic when you are in your 20s but not in your 40s, and so what if it has CCTV? The incident will have occurred and good luck if they actually find the perpetrator, but in the meantime you can have a really uncomfortable ride for longer than it needs to be.

        The point is, there is a market because not all areas are well connected, the transport isn’t seamless, and everyone has circumstances where you just can’t drag 50 kg of luggage 15 minutes to your nearest tube stop. The last time I used a black cab we had to read the map (yes the PAPER MAP) for the old man who couldn’t actually see the detail, in order to get us a half mile. Yes it was an actual black licensed cab. No, I did not feel safe. Or the many times I watched 10+ black cabs in service pass me on the Farringdon Road at various times with my hand out, trying to get a ride to another office.

        Uber fills a niche place in the market for how Londoners get around – its just another option to consider when planning a journey. In my hierarchy the black cabs are the last resort option; id rather try and get a minicab (using Kabbee) but there is the risk that those bookings taking 20+ minutes to get to you cancel at the last minute, the car is of questionable cleanliness.

        1. Floundering Mander*

          I am in my 40s and live way out in the boonies, with only a half hourly train service and far beyond the nearest tube station, so I’ve done all those kinds of things. I routinely take the tube to Heathrow with my luggage*. Like I said there are times when it makes sense, like getting to an early flight or back home from a party in the middle of nowhere.

          I’m not saying that Uber is evil or that nobody should ever use them, but it does seem like people that I know started taking them for the most trivial of journeys just because they could. I’ve been with people who wanted to get one for a journey that was like 5 stops on the bus, no changes, no luggage, at a time when it wasn’t crowded. It just seemed unnecessary to me.

          *You probably know this but if you’re going to Heathrow from Blackfriars on the tube, it’s much easier to change from the District line to the Piccadilly at Baron’s Court. The trains are usually on the same platform so you just have to get off and wait for the next one, plus it’s a cool old – fashioned station so it’s fun to look at while you’re there.

  15. I Am Still Furious!!*

    Sorry for how long this is, lots of pent up feelings and frustrations.

    Update, soon to be ex husband now wants a check for half the value of our small house, plus more money on top of that because he doesn’t have a job. So between Saturday and Sunday, he apparently talked to people. He has an appointment with his attorney, whom he cannot pay or provide a retainer because he has no money, this coming Wednesday. I told him not to call me any more. He also wanted to meet with me in private to agree to things before the attorneys got involved, and I refused. I did leave money for him and made sure the bills were paid, there was food in the house, and the cats are provided for before I left. I didn’t want him to be able to say I left him high and dry. Oh, and I told him he needed to get at least a part time job. This brought about more whining about how hard it is to find employment here, I never give him any chances…ugh.

    Of course, all of this is my fault, according to him, but there is blame here on both sides. I should have never stayed married to him this long. The last 10 years have been awful, and I asked over and over again for a divorce, to no avail. He always said he would never sign the papers, would never move out, etc. I told him it was only a matter of time before I found a place to go and then left, but even now, he acts like this is a huge surprise. The constable called me and warned me that he was really angry when the papers were served. I can’t tell you how many times I said, in response to a verbal barb or criticism, “I’m not happy to be here, you don’t want me here, so why can’t we just end this?” To which he would reply, you don’t try hard enough, you always have to act like an ass, etc. What it all boils down to is that I cannot be with someone I can’t trust to even leave my wallet with credit cards in my purse, while I go out of the house, for fear he will take one and go buy lottery tickets. So many times I wanted to leave, but couldn’t afford an apartment on top of spousal support and then alimony. My foray to the attorney last month was the 3rd time I went, and finally, this is getting done.

    I’ve been at my friend’s house for a week. I am drinking too much, not eating much, not sleeping well, but going to work and functioning as best I can. She is so kind. I’ve been keeping myself busy by cooking, doing dishes, cleaning, that type of thing, just to help out. She’s going to visit relatives next week so I thought I’d clean up the flower beds and do some outside work. Going to work on cutting back the alcohol while she’s gone. She arranged for a few of her friends to drop by next week to check on me and keep me company if I need it. Looking forward to that.

    To top it all off, I feel so very alone and lonely. I hadn’t realized how utterly lonely I feel. I see couples talking and walking together when I’m out and about, and it makes me want to cry. I haven’t had a husband/wife relationship in the last 10 years, it was just a contentious roommate sort of thing, and now I wonder if I’ll ever have that again. Even before things got really bad, looking back, things were never quite right. I was too young when I got married, and I’ve realized that perhaps I never really loved this person at all. He even said that to me when he called, I know you never really loved me. But then again, it’s hard to love someone who has an addiction that they hid for more than 15 years and then repeatedly lied about dealing with it once it came to light. At one point, not too many years ago, he claimed he would never gamble again, that he’d rather die because of all the harm it did to us. Well, that turned out not to be the case. He just was able to hide it better.

    So, I’m just trying to sort through all sorts of emotions, gearing up for what might be a fight or what might not be, not sure of the time table, not sure where I will be in 6 months or a year, but at least I have a place to stay for as long as I need it, I have a job and I have friends. So there’s that. I hope I can make this go away with minimal financial impact. Yes, I can refile with cause, and press the issue with the fraud and forgery issues, but that will make things drag out for a year or even 2, and right now, I want my freedom, I want my maiden name back, and I want to go forward and see what I can do with whatever time I have left on this earth. So basically if I have to pay him something to go away, I may just do that. We’ll see.

    Thanks for letting me ramble on.

    1. annon*

      Jesus. Good on you for getting out of there. Take care of yourself. You sound like you know this, but his addiction isn’t your fault, his behavior isn’t your fault, and the destruction of your relationship isn’t your fault. Maintaining the relationship wasn’t solely your responsibility to begin with, and it’s disgusting that he tried to trap you so you wouldn’t leave. You absolutely had the right to end the relationship, from a moral perspective (not sure about the laws where you are), any time you wanted to, and this whole having to ask for a divorce/him refusing to sign thing, in general, I just find infuriating.

      On the paying him thing – on the one hand, if you can afford it, it might be enough to make the problem go away. Sometimes, that happens, and it’s often worth it to avoid a hassle or continued contact, or whatever. But it’s also possible it won’t be a one-time thing with him, and he’ll keep finding reasons why you supposedly owe him. (This is what my toxic relative does. Paying her off only taught her that we would, eventually, if she made us miserable enough.) Is there anyone who might be able to advise you on this, who has a better understanding of things than a random internet stranger?

      Best of luck to you.

      1. Dan*

        My ex is a lot like op’s ex. But at least in my state, pay-to-go-away is done as part of a legally binding contract, so there’s not much risk of needing to pay more money for more signatures.

        Op needs to figure out with her lawyer just how much of a squeeze she can put on her stbx. He’s asking for a bunch, but the longer he goes with no food on the table, the sooner he will settle for less. I paid my ex $13k, fwiw. In my state, I was legally obligated to pay rent, put food on the table, and cover emergency medical expenses. What I did for encouragement was stash the car she drove (we were both legal owners, but I paid all the bills) at a friend’s place where she couldn’t get it. Basically, my offer to her was the wheels and some cash in exchange for a signature and moving out. Not having the wheels cramped her style, so that worked like a charm. I never had to figure out the legal definition of “food on the table” but would have gone the rice and beans route if necessary.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      What a man-child. Pardon me for saying so but your next marriage will be your first actual marriage with an actual partner. This guy is clueless.

      When my husband passed, my pastor said, “The firefighters who do the best when there is a big fire are the ones who avoid sugar, caffeine, alcohol and tobacco.” These four things can pull us down so our emotions can ramp up. He went on to recommend going for daily walks. I did this stuff more often than not, however, I never did it perfectly all the time. I think it saved my butt. You have your own version of a big fire here.
      Self care is a lot of work, but I figured I had all this excess energy anyway! ha! It’s our self-care and our routines that pull us through.
      Keep an eye on your future. What can you do today that you will be glad you did, say, a year from now? You won’t find an answer to that question everyday but some days you will see something that you know Future-you will be glad that Current-you did.
      Keep looking up and keep looking ahead. This will not stay the same, it will change. You’re almost done. You will get this one.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        I called a friend earlier, and we talked for a long time. He reminded me about looking up and looking ahead, as he’s been through this, and about things changing and how very hard it is now. He’s remarried and so happy, and said that I was strong enough to move forward, I have good friends, a place to stay, a job, and of the positive things in my life. Then I took a long walk. I haven’t been eating much of anything, so sugar and tobacco are no issue, but I do drink coffee (but to my credit have cut that in half in the last 3-4 weeks, down to 2 big mugs in the AM). As I told Dan below, getting the alcohol under control, just beer and wine, but still…I felt sorry for myself but drinking to excess and having a hangover is no way to go through life. I know that deep down.

        My friend won’t let me pay her to stay here, so I’ve started to take over cleaning tasks, doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, that type of thing, cooking (our schedules are about an hour different, and I get back to the house from work almost an hour before she does), buying groceries, helping with her little dog, that type of thing. It makes me feel useful, and frees up her time in the evening, so it works out I think. She said I could stay as long as I wanted but hopefully a year from now I won’t be here. If I am, that’s OK too.

        It made me smile about a next marriage, as last year I remember saying “if I ever get out of this mess, I will never, ever get married again”. Now I think I may have been hasty, but I have to get this out of the way, resolve my feelings, and then maybe I can move forward someday. It would be nice to have a partner in life and not an anchor around my ankle.

    3. Dan*

      Easier said then done, I know, but ignore the emotional stuff. Hell, even admit it if you want. There’s no need to explain anything when he calls. Heck, I went through a phase where I just kept my phone off for two weeks, and never returned my ex’s calls.

      Once, my ex said to me “I know you low balled me in the divorce.” I just shrugged my shoulders at the time, but if she were ever to say that to me again, I’m ready with “you low balled me in the marriage, so I thought it was only fair.” There’s also, “and you were dumb enough to sign.”

      I’ve posted to your threads a few times over the months, you should know that I’ve pretty much totally been in your shoes.

      Getting out is the hard part, don’t let the alcohol take you down.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        Thank you. I read your posts too. For the life of me I wonder how people become so entitled and so clueless and whatever, good grief, he actually said “you have to give me more money, you know I don’t have a job now”. Uh, then go get one. I told him to go to McDonald’s and work part time. Then I asked him what he did with the money he made at his part time job he had for 4 or 5 months prior…oh yeah, that’s right, you gambled it away. Again, not my problem.

        And yeah, getting the alcohol (beer and wine) consumption under control, as I need to be focused and on my game, not hung over and miserable. For the first few days I felt really sorry for myself and just drowned my sorrows, in my friend’s house, as my attorney said not to be drunk in public (yes I mentioned Ron White…couldn’t help myself).

        1. annon*

          In my toxic relative’s case, she’s very charismatic and has literally never been in a situation where she couldn’t persuade someone to help her out. Now that we’ve (finally!) cut her off, she’s just turned to the relatives who haven’t or to her friends. In her case, she’s very firmly convinced that everyone and The Man is out to keep her down and if she can’t immediately get what she “needs” (i.e. wants), it’s somehow proof she’s being cheated and someone needs to come bail her out. If you tell her to take care of herself, you are being mean, and she will accuse you of being bigoted or abusing her, and otherwise do everything she can think of to make it your problem. She probably puts more work into trying to force people to give her what she demands than she would actually working. Sometimes I wish I knew what led to her warped thinking; other times I think that if I knew it’d just suck me back into her little con.

          I’m sorry. It’s so tough to deal with. I had to go full-on communications blackout and move across a continent to get away from my grasping relative, and she still tries to get in contact; I sincerely hope it’s a lot easier for you to handle your soon-to-be-ex.

          1. Dan*

            So… my ex got tired of me ignoring her and threw a Hail Mary… OD’d on some psych meds and got checked in to the psych ward at the local hospital. I checked my vm one morning and surprise!

            I did call the hospital to verify she was admitted, and then called one of her family members. Surprise, she called nobody but me. I saw that attention grab for what it was right away, and I never contacted her at all.

            Where does that entitlement come from? Childhood stuff.

            1. annon*

              The more you talk about your ex, the more glad I am that you got away from her. That sounds horrible to deal with.

        2. Dan*

          May I ask why you feel sorry for yourself? The problem I had to deal with was guilt. I knew that the day I got rid of my ex, my life would get better. Hers wouldn’t. I was getting pretty goddammed deppressed when she wouldn’t get her spending under control and *she* would give *me* a guilt trip for telling her that those spending levels were not sustainable.

          The irony with her is that she spent a year volunteering somewhere in the hopes of getting a job. They hired her part time, but she was fired three months after getting on the payroll. I saw the firing coming, and warned if she got canned, we’re done. Well, she gets fired and said, “are you really going to kick me when I’m down?” Well no, but I did kick her ass out six weeks later.

          So yeah. The sadness and depression certainly comes before the divorce. The separation was child’s play in comparison. Have you been able to figure out what’s getting you so far in the dumps?

          1. I Am Still Furious!!*

            Now that you ask, maybe it’s not so much feeling sorry for myself, but guilt and regret. I don’t have many regrets, but I do regret something I did all those years ago, spending 32 years married to the wrong person. I’m relieved that I’m getting out of it now, but I feel like I wasted my life so maybe it’s feeling sad, guilty, and regretful. There was a another man back then who loved me but I chose someone else. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about that. Basically, I feel like a bit of a mess right now.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              No experience is ever wasted. I have no idea what that means in your life, but I do know that every experience we have shows us something we would not have learned any other way.
              Granted 32 years is a bit of time, but you still have a full life ahead of you.

            2. Yetanotherjennifer*

              Oh, Furious, this is just the next part of the process. And you know what they say: the grass is always greener on the path not taken. This is just a story you’re telling yourself. Old you probably had a good reason to make the choice you did. You just can’t remember it right now. But even so, Its best to keep your eyes focused forward. Is there anything you can put on the calendar, outside the divorce, to look forward to?

            3. tigerStripes*

              There’s a saying “The best revenge is to live well.” This has helped me when I’ve felt furious. I hope it helps you too. You deserve a good life.

        3. many bells down*

          My ex once told me “I need you to do something about this past due child support because it’s making it look like I have a $30,000 debt on my credit!”

          Um. That’s because you do. You owe me that much money. HE is the one who needs to fix it, not me!

    4. Jessi*

      Please, please, please follow your lawyers instructions! He might WANT a check for half the value of the house plus extra money but your lawyer will know what you actually have to do, and probably have suggestions for how best to use leverage to get YOU what YOU want. Don’t listen to anything your ex has to say, delete the messages, don’t look at the texts and let your lawyer guide you in this! I’ve been following all of your posts and I hope you are able to walk away soon!

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        My reply to everything he said was, talk to your attorney. I am not agreeing to anything. He doesn’t want the attorneys to get involved because all of a sudden, he wants this done right away. Well too bad. He refused to proceed for years, now it will take what it takes. I don’t want to go down the long road, I truly don’t, I want my life back. I told him the attorneys would work it out, there are laws, and that’s what would be followed, and I wasn’t agreeing to do anything without legal counsel’s advice.

        1. annon*

          Honestly, if at all possible, at this point, don’t even talk to him directly yourself. He knows contact should be going through the attorneys; he’s trying to pressure you into slipping up or agreeing to something you shouldn’t. Block his number, block his social media, block his email – unless your attorney advises otherwise. Don’t meet him in person without your attorney present. He’s trying to control the narrative and the process – bow out of that game entirely, there’s no winning on his playing field.

          1. nonegiven*

            Yes, block his number. Don’t answer numbers you don’t recognize. As long as you still answer he thinks he can still get to you. Maybe if your lawyer tells his lawyer that his choice is sign or go to jail, he’ll get the idea.

              1. SouthernLadybug*

                I’ve been following the past few weeks and agree with the above and other excellent encouragement and advice. You are strong and fierce. And sound like an amazing person and good friend. Virtual hugs to you.

              2. I Am Still Furious!!*

                While I have a conceal carry permit and several firearms, I think that should be the last resort :) Plus, I removed all the ammo from the house. And couldn’t find his handgun, so he probably sold it for gambling funds. That should be fun to explain to the court.

                1. ..Kat..*

                  Replying to your not feeling fierce comment – you are fierce. You cleverly planned your escape. He is terrified of losing his easy bank roll. You rock!

          1. I Am Still Furious!!*

            hahahaha he can’t/won’t text. No internet presence, but he has a cell phone, easily enough dealt with. And I unfriended people on Facebook that I thought might try to spy on me. And changed my settings that only friends can see things.

            1. nonegiven*

              My husband couldn’t text with a gun to his head. If I got one from him, I’d have to assume someone had his phone.

    6. Candy*

      Your ex sounds a lot like mine. Don’t give in to his whining about how hard it is to find employment. For the 5 years my ex and I lived together I paid everything because there was always some reason he couldn’t get a full-time job. And then surprise surprise two weeks after I left and he no longer had me to pay his way, he was miraculously able to find work. Funny how that happens!

      My ex and I weren’t married, but after I left I’d get texts from him about how he was going to sue me for spousal support, etc. He never did, of course, because that would have required effort on his part. It was just more hot air from him.

      If you don’t have kids together and truly only want to communicate with him via your attorneys, I’d really recommend blocking his number on your phone/on social media/etc. My ex was calling me numerous times a day alternating from housekeeping questions like “where did you leave…” to verbal abuse. Not having to ever see any of that again was soooooo freeing.

      I took a year off from dating after my break-up just to recoup and nest in my new place and spend time with friends, which was incredibly therapeutic. Taking some time to just relax and find yourself is so important. And after that year, I took a year off from my jobs to travel during which I met my now-husband so you really have no idea what lies ahead for you! Trust me, though, your life will only get better from here on. Don’t despair!

        1. I Am Still Furious!!*

          Exactly. I am walking away, I just want my stuff. I don’t want the house. Now, all of a sudden, oh there are too many memories here. He wants to scurry away to another state to “start again”, translation, go someplace, blow all the money on gambling, and then crawl back and want more help.

          IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

          I don’t want the house. He could take it and sell it and keep ALL the money. I don’t care. But, that would require work on his part. He doesn’t want to work, he wants everything handed to him.

    8. purple snowdrop*

      I am so impressed with your progress. FWIW you don’t sound furious any more, you sound sad and exhausted by your situation. I can relate to that. Sounds like you’re looking after yourself.

      I have a max of 45 days til I plan to leave; hopefully only 38 if all goes according to plan. He has no idea, even though it should be plainly obvious. The soft part of me feels bad for him. But he shouldn’t have treated me so badly. Funny that since I mostly disengaged he’s much nicer to me.

      I wish I could go no contact but kids make that impossible so low contact only re access will have to do.

      Good luck. You’re getting there.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        I thought I was being sneaky, but he said he knew weeks ago because I was so utterly cold toward him. I’ve been cold for years. I was so sick of the whole thing maybe I did give off those vibes. I don’t much care. Just glad I’m out. You can do this! I’m lucky our daughter is grown and on her own, so I don’t have kids issues.

        2. Purple snowdrop*

          So he knew yet he’s still angry and fighting but didn’t do anything different?! Interesting.

          I feel like I’m following in your path, it helps to know so many other people have left and survived and will even thrive. Thanks for being a bit ahead of me :)

    9. gabrielle*

      My ex (mis-)behaved in a similar way. Unfortunately, I gave in to some threats he made and didn’t involve lawyers, which just dragged everything out. I left a lot of money on the table, but now I realize it was worth it and consider it just a big tuition payment to the School of Life.

      The good news is, you’ve made this first step, which is the hardest. The next little while is going to suck, I can’t lie about that. Take care of yourself, lean on your friends when you need to. You will be through this very soon and it’s only going to get better. You’ll get to do what you want, when you want, and live your own life without having to clean up his messes or listen to his lies.

      And (hugs) to you!

    10. Elizabeth West*

      *HUG*
      He’s freaking out and pitching a fit because he’s losing his bank. Ima bitch slap him. *slapslap* There.

      When all this is over and you’ve had time to settle in yourself and heal, you will be free to find that sort of relationship, if you want it. I don’t think for one second that you’ll be forever alone.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        Thanks, Elizabeth West! When I talked to my friend today, he reminded me that I need to get the legal stuff done, put my head down and plow ahead. No going back and no staying put. Just moving forward. Also, I should call him or his wife any time if I need to talk. I am so grateful for my friend’s home. It’s a stress free environment here, she is calm and understanding, and I can just rest or do what I need to do with no constraints on my time and no one staring at me or needling me about something and I don’t have to worry about theft!

              1. nonegiven*

                That really occurred to me when you said he was in a hurry to get out of state. You might know some but do you know everything he did?

              2. SAHM*

                You might want to consider unlocking your credit. It costs about 45$ (I think 15$ to 3 separate credit places) but it keeps anyone (including you) from opening a line of credit. You can easily unlock your credit by paying a fee and waiting a couple days, so making big purchases (car, house, etc) you plan ahead and unlock the credit for that, but it also keeps you from randomly opening a new credit at Target or Hone Depot or whatever.

    11. SophieChotek*

      Aww. I am sorry you are going through this! i wish I had something more constructive or useful to say (but I don’t).

    12. Detective Amy Santiago*

      If you happen to live in SW PA, I would hang out with you so you’re not lonely.

      Take care of yourself. The end is in sight.

      1. anon24*

        And I’m south central PA (with strong ties to southeastern PA). I would buy you a coffee and give you a sympathetic ear.

    13. Soupspoon McGee*

      Hang in there! When I divorced my jerk ex, I was so desperate to get out and get it over with that I “compromised” far too much financially, and it took me years to get out of debt. Please listen to internet strangers who’ve been there, and listen to your lawyer. Don’t pay this assweasel one more cent than you absolutely have to. He will slink away when he realizes he has gotten all he can from you.

      And hugs to you! It will get easier. My first few months away, I watched all the movies he’d never wanted to see and made all the interesting dishes that were too exotic for him–it was so freeing!

    14. ..Kat..*

      Be strong. You have taken the hardest step. From experience, I can tell you it will get easier. Don’t be too sure that paying him to go away will not stretch out for years. He is losing his life of ease. Fighting the divorce is the first hard work he has done in over a decade.

      Be strong. You are at your most vulnerable right now. You can do this.

  16. CatCat*

    Finished reading “The Turn of the Screw” this week. I’ve never read it before. It was very creepy and disconcerting. It wasn’t clear to me whether supernatural things were really happening. I’m thinking of re-reading it.

    The ending was so abrupt and it was at the ending that I really questioned the prior events. I thought the governess was responsible for what happened at the end.

    Spoilers in comments that follow this.

    1. CatCat*

      I had such pause at the end. Did the governess kill Miles and has been delusional this entire time? I want to re-read it through that lens.

      1. SophieChotek*

        It’s a great read I agree. I also love the opera version by Benjamin Brittain. Several DVD versions available, plus a BBC film with Jodhi May and Colin Firth.

        I think it can be read several different ways – (somewhat colored by the fact I’ve seen the opera several times and only read the book once).

        1. There really are hauntings (Peter Quint, Miss Jessel).

        2. The children (Miles/Florda) are like mean rotten (bad seed?) children out to make the Governess batty…never realizing how insane/out of hand it will get

        3. The Governess is delusional (I suppose Victorians would cite the catch-all sexual hysteria) and projects on to the kids.

        1. CatCat*

          They did the opera in my city a few years ago and now I hope they do it again so I can see it!

          I was along for the hauntings throughout the story, but then so shocked at the ending that I wondered if it all really happened. I wanted to go back and see if the things the children said were really as creepy as they seemed when I thought there were ghosts. I hadn’t even considered #2, but I like that idea as well! Going to give it a second read.

        2. StrikingFalcon*

          I remember reading this in high school. The teacher was absolutely convinced that #1 is the only correct interpretation and that it was a delightful ghost story (she acknowledged there were other interpretations but insisted they were wrong). The farther into the book I got the more I read it as #3, and then the ending is SO disturbing. I found the book horrifying, personally. I’d probably be more okay with reading it as an adult, but it left a pretty deep impression on teenage me. It’s an impressive piece of fiction though.

      2. Anon in IL*

        Spoilers in this comment.

        The thing that kills me about this story is the double-framing device, which I have not seen used elsewhere. First, the story is being told at a Christmas house party. That’s the first remove. But it didn’t happen to Douglas, it happened to his friend the governess. And he sends away for the story that she has conveniently written down in a book which he proceeds to read aloud to the Christmas party. That is the second remove. Then, as you say, the story ends so abrubtly and we are not re-introduced to the Christmas party setting at the end.

        I am sure the trick to the story lies in this framing. James in his correspondence admits there is a trick. But I can’t figure it out. Some readers think Douglas is Miles grown up, because the words both mean “soldier” but I still can’t fit it all together.

        1. SophieChotek*

          Yeah I always find that double-framing device problematic too because they never come to the Christmas party. (Of all times to tell a ghost story.) Plus how reliable is Douglas anyway? Is he making up the story himself?

          “It is a curious story…”

    2. deesse877*

      Recommend also the film starring Deborah Kerr. Some dialogue written by Truman Capote, and an amazingly lush set, that somehow looks lush even though it’s black-and-white. VERRRRRRRRRYYY expressionistic cinematography, and evil children.

      2. SophieChotek*

        Yes, I agree that’s a great film too. (Plus Deborah Kerr is beautiful to look at.) I think this version is called “The Innocents” as I recall – how that leads you to interpret the book/title…

    1. nep*

      Yay you. (There have been occasions when I have physically patted myself on the back after leaving a store without buying certain things that would have just been goodies I didn’t need.)

      1. Bryce*

        I walk by the pies at the supermarket and I spend so much willpower resisting them that by the end of the line I’ve decided I should have a treat.

    5. Nye*

      The greatest summer of my life was the one I spent backpacking, aka The Summer of Consequence-Free Eating. Which your story reminded me of because on one town stop, I ate a cinnamon roll the size of my head and also a piece of pie, then went elsewhere for dinner two hours later. I would give up a lot to have been able to keep that metabolism without the 25+ miles /day of hiking.

  18. Parenthetically*

    Long shot, but any AFL watchers/fans/supporters? How about the crowd at that GWS/Richmond game hey?! It would have been deafening! Predictions on the Grand Final?

      2. Parenthetically*

        We have a WatchAFL subscription so we can watch either live (we literally only do this for the Grand Final because it’s at like 1 am here) or on demand. It’s not cheap, but hell, it’s only money, right? My husband and I support different teams so we watch the two games a week, every week, all season, so we almost feel like we’re getting our money’s worth.

    2. It's Business Time*

      I hate both these teams in the GF, but as a Victorian I have to go for Richmond… hurts just to type it. Glad I am living here in the US so I do not have to witness those Richmond supporters in all of their glory

  19. Anono-me*

    If anyone knows of any online stores that sell bathroom tile in 60s colors, I would appreciate the name(s).

    I have a 1960s house with colorful 1960s bathrooms. I love the bathrooms, but want to redo the grouting and would love to replace a few cracked tiles and a broken soap tray. I have been completely unsuccessful in finding replacement tiles in the correct colors at the nearby big city reclamation and vintage hardware etc. stores. My admittedly average googling skills have failed me utterly.

    Thank you.

    2. Temperance*

      If you do Facebook, join the “Our Old House” facebook group. They have a wealth of knowledge about vintage wares and where to find them.

    4. annon*

      This is probably a really dumb suggestion, but have you taken any of the old tiles (say, a broken piece) to those stores and asked if they can help you match it? A lot of places in my area may not have precisely what you want in stock but they’re often very willing to help you figure out who would have it.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      Any architectural salvage establishments in your area (or not impossibly far away)?
      If you can’t find an identical match, could you make do with a complimentary or contrasting color instead?
      I just did a google search on “architectural salvage maryland” and came up with:
      – Community Forklift in Hyattsville, MD — I’ve visited them (I **love** this place) and remember seeing wall-mounted ceramic soap trays and cup/toothbrush holders…un-mounted from the walls and lying on shelves in the store for re-use.
      – Vintage House Parts & Rdtrs in North Brentwood, MD
      – Houswerks Salvage in Baltimore, MD
      Your results may vary but I hope you find something. Maybe they’ll offer online assistance.

      Because you said your house was 1960s I also started a Google search on “mid-century modern house blogs.” The results look promising, but I don’t dare start browsing because I need to spend some time cleaning up my current residence rather than fantasizing about other ones!

      Good luck with your hunt for bathroom tile.

    7. the gold digger*

      Thank you for your decorating integrity. I looked at 1920s houses with re-done bathrooms and kitchens. People. If I want a 1920s Arts and Crafts house, I do not want black and gold tile in the bathroom and I do not want a black tub and toilet.

      (I didn’t buy that one.)

    8. ST*

      the FB groups Mid-Century Modern and Mid-Century Modern Kitsch would be good places to search (first) and then ask.

  20. DentalTroubles*

    Are there any dental professionals or anyone out there who has experience with having teeth pulled/replaced? I have a tooth that was damaged by wisdom teeth crowding and after years of procedures and trouble it was deemed a total loss and I’m having it pulled next week.

    I’m not thrilled about this, but somewhat relieved that the saga will be over, although so annoyed that when I was a young teenager, my dentist told me the pain I was feeling in the back of my mouth was my teeth coming in, when it was really pain from the crowding. If he’d listened earlier and done an X ray, I might not be losing the tooth.

    But – does anyone have experience with whether I’ll actually need the implant or not? It’s a far back tooth so cosmetics aren’t an issue, but I have read about the potential for other teeth being damaged (like the one above it). Implants are just so expensive though, if I can avoid it without harming my other teeth, I’d like to.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Weirdly, my husband and two of my sisters are missing the same tooth on the same side from having to have it pulled. None of them replaced it. It’s on the top, though, so no worries about the top one growing down too far. From what I understand, if the tooth on the bottom is pulled, it has to be replaced because the top one has nothing to hit against, which means it could start growing down a bit. Not sure how true that is, but I’ve heard it from a few people.

      1. nep*

        I can attest — with bottom teeth missing, top ones reach down over time. I hate that this is the situation with a couple of my upper teeth, but can’t afford implants or even a partial right now. Back to the job applications…………

        1. nep*

          (I should say it’s been years, so it’s not as if there will be some drastic movement if you don’t replace a bottom tooth. But I do think the ideal is to fill it in. It’s first on my agenda once I a) win the lottery or 2) land a job with decent pay.)

    2. Gappy*

      I’m missing a tooth in the lower back right hand side and not had anything done to fill the gap it’s really not worth the money to me you can’t even notice it’s missing. My dentist didn’t even mention filling the gap.

      1. DentalTroubles*

        Thanks. I’ll admit to being a little skeptical of my current dentist because she pushed so many alternative treatments and I kept asking “are we sure this isn’t a lost cause” and it turned out to be a lost cause. I may need to find a new dentist but it is just so difficult to really assess when someone is over-treating you.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I’ve found that some dentists seem really driven to save the tooth at any cost, while others are fine with pulling it at the patient’s request, and others are in the middle.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      I had two gaps and got an implant in one but left the other due to the cost. It’s at the back and I can’t even remember where it is without feeling around in my mouth!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Once that tooth is gone, will the tooth above it actually hit another tooth when you are chewing? This can happen when teeth are crowded, the uppers and lowers do not match up that well.

      My husband had an unusually small jaw. He ended up having teeth removed because of crowding. In his case the crowding was foreseeable because his jaw was remarkably small. He never needed to replace the lost tooth.

    5. the gold digger*

      I had #2 pulled years ago. I didn’t want to get an implant (or a bridge) but my dentist said my other teeth would go askew. Also, when I smiled, you could see the tooth was missing!

      I had my implant done at the U of Tennessee dental college in 1999. It cost only the cost of the materials – $600 back then. If it is at all possible, go to a dental college. They told me they have a hard time getting enough practice on implants and really advanced procedures – it shouldn’t be too hard to get in.

      (My mom even drove from Colorado Springs to the dental school in Denver for her implant. Even though she had to take a few trips over the months – you have to let the implant heal for six months before they attach the new tooth, she saved literally thousands of dollars over a retail dentist.)

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I lost one on the upper left–it broke and was unsalvageable. Never had an implant because I can’t afford it. I don’t want a bridge because I don’t want anything in my mouth that I could swallow. You can’t see it, and it isn’t a problem; I can chew just fine. Maybe I’ll get one someday, when I’m rich, or even braces or something, since my teeth are crooked and my eyeteeth are fangs. I’ve never liked my teeth. :P

    7. Paul*

      Not a dentist but missing two teeth (one fight, one infection). I elected not to do implants because they were *expensive* and my insurance didn’t cover most of it; I’d have been out of pocket 600ish each time.

      It’s annoying to adapt to; you kinda learn to chew around it? But it’s not the end of the world to go without.

    8. Dragonsnap*

      I can’t speak to whether you need an implant but will say that I’m very happy with mine. Since the initial procedure (which I had done under anasthesia as I got my wisdom teeth yanked at the same time) it’s been painless and easy. It also has helped to keep my teeth from shifting.

  21. The Other Dawn*

    So, I’m going through my cabinets, fridge and freezer today. (I’m supposed to be shampooing my carpet and couch, but that’s not gonna happen right now…)

    I found a few items I need to use. Anyone want the challenge of figuring out what I can use them for? I’m not very creative when it comes to putting together a meal.

    Jar of roasted red peppers (not a clue as to why I bought these)
    Scallions (bought and forgot about them)
    Baby carrots (fresh)
    Green beans (fresh)
    Garden and Roma tomatoes (fresh)
    Garden tomatoes (frozen; was going away and didn’t want to toss them)
    Corn on the cob (frozen; same as above; will probably make cornbread in the cast iron skillet)
    Pimentos from the garden that are taking forever to ripen
    Jalapenos and green peppers from the garden
    Sage, parsley, lavender and rosemary from the garden
    Lots of fresh frozen blueberries (probably will make muffins or pancakes)
    Farro
    Wheat berries (soft winter white and hard red)
    1/4 jar of almond butter
    Amaranth

    If it helps, I have pork tenderloin, Italian sausage, boneless and bone-in chicken, whole chicken and steak in the freezer. I also have a very large amount of Jasmine and brown rice.

    On another note, I went to the ortho for my back pain yesterday and he ordered an MRI. I’m happy I’m getting one, because this pain I’ve been having is different from the usual pain. Just so tired of never waking up feeling refreshed or even good, for that matter; it’s exhausting and depressing. I actually can’t remember a time when back pain wasn’t a part of my day in some way, shape or form. Whether it’s dull pain that I get from sitting too long and goes away when I get up and move, or pain I wake up with because my body has determined I’ve stayed in bed too long (I’m not someone who can stay in bed for more than 10 minutes or so after I wake up because pain sets in quickly) or all day pain that is there no matter what I do (pretty much the last two months), it’s there. Can’t wait to find out how much the MRI will cost me since I’m now on an HSA plan. Hopefully it won’t be too bad, because this is only my first year in the plan.

    1. Lady Jay*

      Recipes! I love being creative with recipes.

      The farro & wheat berries could make delicious grain salads. Cook up one (I think I’d use the farro for this), then chill it with the jalapenos, scallions, and green peppers; you could throw it the tomatoes too if you want. Add cheese & nuts, a boiled egg on top or some cooked chicken for protein. Yummy!

      The fresh or frozen tomatoes will make a lovely shaksuka. You can find recipes online, but you basically saute onions, chuck a tomato or two (I use one big tomato for a single person) into a hot pan & let it cook down into tomato sauce, then break an egg into the sauce, cover the pan, and let it cook (5-10 minutes, make sure the yolk doesn’t soften). Serve with bread or naan on the side. Some of your roasted red peppers could be added in here, I think.

      You could make the steak into a steak salad: a good green, the tomatoes, jalapenos, and green peppers, and a good dressing (I recommend Ree Drummond’s).

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Shaksuka. That sounds just like something my Bulgarian team member mentioned to me last week, but she called it Mish Mosh. Same concept and ingredients, though. I think I might need to try that.

    2. annon*

      Grain bowls! All of those ingredients sound perfect for grain bowls, though I am rather biased in their favor. Grain bowls don’t have to be savory, either – you can do fruit and nut butter ones too.

      Seeing your list of fresh/frozen veggies immediately put me in mind of a salad, especially when I saw the herbs you have on hand. I am a bit jealous of your garden, to be quite honest.

      Whenever I’ve had roasted red peppers I didn’t know what to do with, I used them to make a pasta sauce, but you could use them to add flavor to pretty much anything.

      If you have more blueberries than you need to make muffins, you can use them to make a sauce for the pork (or the chicken, but I generally prefer to match fruity sauces with pork).

      Honestly, with that list, you could probably throw any random ingredients together and it’d come out tasting delicious.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Oh, I’ve got lots more! LOL These are just the things that seem to be haunting the recesses of the garden/cabinets/fridge/freezer.

        A blueberry sauce for meat. I didn’t think of that and it sounds delicious. Thank you so much!!

    3. Cookie D'oh*

      Another option for the corn is chowder. I’ve made the Summery Chipoltle Corn Chowder from Pinch of Yum a couple of times.

      I take baby carrots and hummus to work for a an afternoon snack.

      Maybe use the tomatoes for chili? I know most recipes call for canned, but I made a recipe recently and substituted the same amount of fresh tomatoes.

      Or use the jalapenos and tomatoes for Pico definitely gallo or salsa.

      The food blog Mel’s Kitchen Cafe has a recipe for grilled rosemary buttermilk chicken. Haven’t tried it myself yet.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, the carrots will be going to work with hummus I got BOGO this morning. I have enough, though, that I could use them for other things.

        I’m thinking chili with the frozen tomatoes, since they won’t be suitable for eating raw. And I can throw the jalapenos and peppers in there, too.

        I’m dying to make pimento cheese, which is why I planted pimentos, but they just don’t want to ripen. They’re huge, but still green.

    4. Gingerblue*

      Roasted red peppers make a great sandwich ingredient. Lay them out on paper towels and pat them dry first. I like to make grilled sandwiches with goat cheese and red peppers, fried in a little olive oil. Some of your herbs like sage and parsley could be a nice touch here, too.

      Aside from baking with them, blueberries are nice half-thawed and eaten with whipped cream or sweetened sour cream.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Those all sound like the sort of ingredients Nigella Lawson uses. Nigella.com is full of ideas.

      3. Aealias*

        I’m with you on roasted pepper sandwiches. Spread a roll with goat cheese. Dress the peppers in a little white wine vinegar/olive oil/fresh basil vinaigrette and layer ’em on the goat cheese. So good!

      5. Paul*

        a little turkey, grate some of the baby carrots, dice up the peppers, slice the scallions, serve with cheese, serve on some sort of hard bread?

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks. Sorry, I just realized your reply was to me. I’d forgotten that I mentioned the MRI price! My doctor recommended Open MRI. He said their pricing is way less than going to a hospital.

        1. StrikingFalcon*

          I hope you get some answers from it, and there are options available for treatment! What you wrote sounds very familiar to me. I dealt with pain for years before I found a doctor willing to do enough tests to get me a diagnosis. I hadn’t realized how much it was affecting me until I had some relief. I hope you are able to get relief too.

  22. Lady Jay*

    Dating was never my thing, so I’ve actually never been through a romantic breakup. But over the past few months, I’ve come to realize that the person I thought was, and would remain, my closest friend is no longer really my friend. :(

    I’ve known her for nearly fifteen years, since our first year of college. For nearly all that time, we’ve lived at a distance from each other and used to have long phone conversations maybe once every six or eight weeks. Now, we don’t speak for months, and if we do call each other, I’m always the one doing the initiating. We’ve talked in the past about how I get weary of initiating and how this makes me feel unvalued, but nothing has changed. Plus, she talks mostly about herself and her own concerns, does poorly keeping track of my problems (which have increased in the last few years), and creates big plans for her future (then tells me about them!) which involve all her new friends and never me. I am feeling hurt because I was there for her at low points in her life, yet she’s not there for me.

    So I’ve made the decision that while I’m not cutting her off, in that I’m not writing an angry email breakup letter, I’m not going to put any more work into the relationship. I’m not calling her anymore, not writing her anymore, not sending any more gifts or emails. Zip.

    And it feels exactly like I think breakups must feel. It’s weird, because so many of the high points of my life involved her (we traveled through Europe together in college, and I took a number of vacations to see her) – now, looking at those photos is such a weird mix of pleasure (because I had such fun) and pain (because she’s hurt me).

    So, let’s talk breakups: Have you broken up with a friend (as opposed to an SO)? Do you ever really get over them? How does this feel 20 years on?

    1. Paige*

      I may or may not be going through something similar (it’s probably a bit too soon to tell). I’ve been drifting apart from a friend who I’ve known almost 20 years (since our school days). We’ve also lived quite far apart after we graduated, but used to email/text constantly, and even sent snail mail occasionally.

      But over the past year or so I feel like we’ve been drifting apart, where we’d go through phases of the constant texting, but then have large gaps where we don’t really interact at all. We sorted of floated the idea of doing a short holiday together but the vibe I’m getting is that she’s just not that into the idea and would rather travel with other friends (the ones who are more in her current social circle).

      It’s a weird sentiment though isn’t it? Unless a romantic partner there’s no exclusivity when it comes to friendships, so there’s nothing you can really do – and nor should you have the right – to stop your friends getting closer to other people, and people change as time goes by. It does make me sad at times – all those ‘friends forever!’ promises made as children, and it’s especially difficult when that friendship stretches back to childhood. It’s another part of growing up that can really hurt at time.

    2. Lily Evans*

      I’m going through something similar right now with a friend I was really close to in college. She’s been super flaky and I’m always the one putting in the effort to go to her. I know I’ve talked about it here before, I’ve gone to see her several times by train, which took an hour and a half each way, and she’s never once reciprocated. In fact she was supposed to come to a party of mine last week and cancelled day of because it was going to rain that night. And apparently she has this great new group of work friends she’s always talking about. Every time we’ve made plans to take a trip together for years they’ve fallen through on her end, but now she’s planning a Vegas trip with her new friends and it does hurt. I’ve decided to take a similar approach where if she wants to initiate contact again she can but I’m done for now.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I have lost sight of friends. One friend that I tracked down was not happy to hear from me. She said she would call and never did.
      I don’t think you get over it, but I think you do adjust to accepting it as part of your life story. I think there is still a little pang in my heart. But I think that time has been kind in other ways. My days have filled up with other people and activities, overall my life has been rich. I hope hers has been rich also.

    4. Turtlewings*

      I had a very, very close friend in college who just… cut me off one day. Never told me why, just refused to ever speak to me again–even though we had classes together. It’s the most painful that’s ever happened to me. Like you, I’ve never had a romantic breakup, but I can’t imagine it being much worse. That was ten years ago, and I’ll be honest, it still hurts. I still think about her and worry about whether she’s okay (because I feel like her controlling parents were a factor in what happened). But it does gradually hurt less over time. In my case, the things that helped most were (a) giving myself permission to forgive her and still remember our friendship fondly. Losing her in the present and future were bad enough, I couldn’t handle losing our past together too, and I couldn’t handle trying to feel angry or hateful toward someone I loved so much, even if objectively she might deserve it. (b) finding new friends. I have other friends now that I’m just as close to as I was to her, so even though I still miss her, I don’t have a hole in my life, I don’t have to pine after what we had, because I still have it, just with different people.

      Good luck to you. It will, eventually, get better.

      1. Lady Jay*

        I think this is part of the problem, is that I’ve never really found anybody else like her.

        Right now, I’m living in a small town part of the country where people are very different than me (married with kids when I’m single, conservative when I’m not, sporty when I’m more of a thinker) and it’s hard to find people who really “get” where I’m coming from. She, on the other hand, is in a city where there are lots of similar people and has had no trouble making friends.

        I think I need to move to bigger city. :P

        2. Not So NewReader*

          And you probably won’t find anyone like her.

          I got myself chuckling about this because I thought “what if husband/BFFs/etc were a dime a dozen at the local convenience store?” Then these people would cease to be special, we would just go to the convenience store and pick up another one. Gosh, I hope I am not that easily replaced!

          The truth is that each one of us is unique, there is no one else like you or me or your friend. There are more special people out there just waiting for you to meet them.

          As far as liberal/conservative thinking, my suggestion there is to look deeper. I have never met anyone who totally subscribes to being a consummate liberal or conservative. Right now I w-o-r-k with two people who are on the opposite ends of the political spectrum. They both have a high admiration for each other and surprisingly they often agree about how to handle work issues.
          I can honestly say, that I have met self described liberals who had shockingly conservative views and visa versa.
          I think the piece missing to your puzzle here is that it takes time to learn these things about people. Just like it took time for you to build up this friendship that you are missing now. You were not strong friends on day one of your relationship, that took place over time.

          If we look for reasons to feel alone in this world we WILL find those reasons, each time every time. The key is to forge ahead anyway and find common interests with others. There are lots of people out there who feel alone (to varying degrees and at different times). This is good to remember, because someone can be looking at US and saying, “Please befriend me” and we just don’t realize.

    5. Aurion*

      I had a very close friend (we’d shared beds, we’d shared clothes, double dated, talked until 5 in the morning etc) dump me–at something like 1 am on a work night. (She called me and wanted to come over but refused to say why; I thought she was having boyfriend troubles. If I had known I was about to be dumped I would’ve at least asked for it to be daylight hours when I had to get up for work four or five hours after that.)

      It does get better. With time, it does sting less, just like any other breakup. But I’ve never been able to look back on shared memories without being bitter. I don’t wish bad things on her (e.g. death or harm), but I don’t wish her well. I certainly wouldn’t think she deserves it if she ended up winning the lottery or something. But then again, I’m not the forgiving type.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I was in a similar situation with my best friend ever. We were college roommates, randomly assigned. I really think that out of anyone I ever met, she was probably the only person who really “got me”. I was very naieve and inexperienced and she was very worldly and encouraged me to expand my horizons and go for things, which I needed at that time in my life.

      Things happened, we were no longer roommates and we each had our own apartments and our own lives and friends. After a time, I sort of realized that I was the person who was always initiating things and I got tired of it, so I just stopped. No angry phone calls or letters or emails. Nothing. And she never got in touch with me again. Eventually we both moved away to other cities.

      One night I had a dream about my former best friend. In the dram I was walking across our old college campus and she came up to me from behind me and apologized to me for being a bitch. And I was so happy and hugged her and jumped up and down and I think I cried in my dream.

      This led to me doing some cyber-stalking and I discovered, to my eternal heartbreak, that my former best friend had been killed (along with her fiance) in a car accident several years earlier. They were hit head-on by someone trying to pass a semi-truck on a two-lane highway. Weird, huh?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It sounds like you may have a had spiritual experience. I have seen in my own life when it is super important they sometimes come back for us. It must have been super important to her for you to know this.

    7. jbern*

      I did. But I never really felt myself in the friendship and over time, I just became a shell friend to her then stopped contacting her altogether.

      It sounds like your friend already broke up with you, though.

  23. nep*

    What do you use Twitter for? Do you like it?
    Up to a week and a half ago I’d never been on Twitter or FB. Wanted to get familiar with Twitter and see whether I like it. Set up an account, was fairly active, and one week later I deactivated it. I was happy to get in touch with a couple former colleagues I’d not talked with in years. Used it mainly as a news/information aggregator — followed things along the lines of my professional life; not the personal blow-by-blow, I-had-this-for-breakfast type of stuff…
    Initially quite keen. I liked learning about things I might not have. After a few days saw pluses and minuses. In the end the bad outweighed the good and I was relieved to be out of it. (But I’ve got a familiarity with it, I suppose, should I ever have to use it for work.)

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I only use Twitter to share a link to my blog posts. Beyond that, I’ve never seen any value to it. Maybe I just haven’t looked at it enough, but I feel that if I have FB, why do I need Twitter?

    2. Overeducated*

      I use it the way you did. Don’t tweet much myself but helps me keep abreast of, and sometimes get on the radar of, active people and projects in my field. For me the bad is mainly just that since I do follow a relatively tightly networked group, I see the same stuff retweeted again and again sometimes, but the good of the new stuff i learn outweighs it.

    3. annon*

      I use it to follow updates for sites, businesses, etc. I really like. I refuse to follow political stuff and I only check it when I remember to.

    4. fposte*

      I have a Twitter account, which is completely dormant. I use Twitter as read-only just for a few people who have information I find useful or who enhance my day. It’s also useful when something unexpected seems to be happening in town to figure out if anybody else heard the noise or knows what’s happening.

    5. nep*

      I should say that up until the point when I created a Twitter account, I used it quite a bit for news/information. I was (and now am again) strictly a watcher. I still find it very useful in that sense. Just did not like having the account.

    6. Anonymous Educator*

      For me, it goes like this:

      Twitter – follow celebrities and thinkers for political news and witty one-liners about current events.
      Facebook – see what my friends are thinking / primarily concerned about.
      Instagram – see pictures of my friends, and of their kids and pets.

      Obviously, there’s some overlap (sometimes those Instagram pics show up in Facebook… some of the people I follow on Twitter are in-real-life friends), but that’s mainly how I use those three social networks. I haven’t figured out Snapchat, and I may be too old to!

    7. Loopy*

      I use Twitter to follow authors and book related accounts. It does a great job of keeping me in the know about upcoming books and appearances!

      1. nep*

        Cool. I can see how it would be very useful for that. I did learn about a couple of editing webinars and the like.

    8. Claire (Scotland)*

      I use it for three things:

      1. Talking to my friends – this is why I got it to begin with. All my friends are people I found through fandom, and they are all around the world. Twitter gives us an asynchronous way to chat, share stuff about our lives, and as we are all used to it it’s our main form of communication much of the time. It helps that most of us are friends with each other, so it functions as a group chat quite well. We’ve all been on Twitter from the early days of the site.

      2. Following celebrities, performers and authors I like to keep up with their work, and often because they are interesting and informative on Twitter. Examples: Adam Lambert, Seanan McGuire, Lin Manuel Miranda.

      3. Following businesses, companies and organisations I am interested in for some reason. Local council, bus company, and train company for information I need, and then businesses like restaurants and attractions for special offers etc.

      I’ve been on Twitter for a long time and never had any bad experiences. I use it a lot and I love it.

    9. Kimberlee, Esq.*

      Facebook is how I keep in touch with friends and family I’ve known over the years.
      Twitter is where I hang out with really cool people that I don’t know IRL. Twitter is great for building communities like that; I follow a lot of leftists and a lot of Weird Twitter accounts, and it’s hugely entertaining and informative. But I don’t even try to follow friends very much, cause that’s just not what I’m there for.

    10. Anon anon anon*

      I kind of feel like social media has run its course. It’s full of bullies and stalkerish types. A lot of the people I know who are popular on social media are not nice people in real life. And most of the nicer people I know don’t use social media much.

      But it has its purposes. It seems to work well for some people. Myself, I’m really scaling back on it. Offline is the new online, haha.

      1. annon*

        Well, an awful lot of that depends on who you follow and what your settings are, really. Social media is one of those things where you really do curate your own experience, and at least the platforms I’m familiar with make it pretty easy to block/unfollow people that are making you miserable, or let you tighten down your settings so they can’t find you. Not foolproof, but nothing is.

        I’m not excusing online harassment, by the way. But it’s helpful to remember, sometimes, that these people are not actually standing in your living room refusing to leave, and it is possible to have an internet experience that largely avoids them, even when using popular social media platforms.

        1. Anon anon anon*

          Yeah… Unfortunately, that hasn’t been my experience. Social media seems to bring out the worst in a lot of people. As much as I try to curate my contacts and control what people can see, there are still issues.

          But I think it depends a lot on who you are, who you interact with, what you use it for, etc.

          1. annon*

            Yeah. Certain topics always bring trolls, certain people always cause drama, and if you’re interested in those things or don’t want to unfriend those people, the troll door unfortunately stays propped open. This is basically why I don’t engage with politics on social media – I’ll go to other websites when I’m in the mood and read things that way, and I know which ones I can read the comments on and which I can’t. For me at least, it helps to have that distance, where it’s not all just coming across my feed at all hours. I do think the social media model doesn’t entirely work for things like the news – too little info, too many people engaging in competitive trolling and just plain hostility in the comments/reactions.

            I will say social media’s really good, in my experience, for following local stuff (like town events), keeping in contact with far-flung friends and family (and letting you hide/unfollow them with minimal fuss if need be), and it makes it really easy for me to get my pretty-pictures-of-birds fix. (I follow more birder organizations than I do friends and family on Facebook. We all have our little obsessions.) Hobby stuff, local weather, things like that, though I guess that also depends a lot on your particular hobbies.

        2. nep*

          Agree — it very much depends on how you use it, whom you follow and why…
          My week-long Twitter life was quite stimulating intellectually and I felt as if I was among mature, intelligent company.

    11. katamia*

      I don’t have an account, but I like going there for very breaking news. I also like some Twitter stories, like Adam Ellis’s Dear David (which reminds me, I haven’t checked that in a few days). And there are some celebrities I check up on every so often. I just want to be able to do those things when I feel like doing them rather than having my own feed, which creates pressure to check it.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      I share my blog posts on it. I follow writers and other people I like. I started with it to expand my internet presence, hoping I’d have a damn book out by now (!). I share articles, crisis info, and science-y things on it. And I use it to resist. :)

      Sometimes it’s fun, and some days I have to step away. I follow some cute animal accounts, so my feed gets kitties and doggies amidst all the political horror, and funny stuff like Medieval Reactions. I’ve only got about 450 followers, which compared to influencers and celebs, who have MILLIONS of followers, is like being invisible. But it’s ready when I need it for marketing, and someday hopefully I will. I have Instagram but I don’t post on it much, because there isn’t a lot happening around here that I want to take pics of. I don’t spend much time on it, although that will probably change if I ever get the hell out of here.

      Facebook is mostly for friends, social groups, and family stuff, though I get political on it now and then. And memes. Love me some funny memes. XD If I ever became famous, however, I would probably delete the FB page and / or have a secret one. I am getting sick of FB but I keep it since I have so many friends who live very far away, plus my Doctor Who group communicates through it.

    13. Stellaaaaa*

      The people I know who are into Twitter pretty much only use it for work or to promote their bands/art. I don’t know anyone who uses it to share legit life updates with their real-life friends.

      1. nep*

        Right — seems that FB is the platform for that kind of thing. I’m not the least bit interested in Twitter accounts that give that ‘my life’ blow-by-blow.

    14. SL #2*

      I love Twitter and honestly, if it shut down, I’d be devastated.

      I run two accounts: one is a personal one for joking with friends, ridiculously whiny updates about my life, and stuff that I don’t want certain people seeing. My other is a “professional” account where I share political updates, news, keep up with old coworkers, and the like. I’ve had my personal account since 2009. That’s nearly 8 years of being on Twitter. I can’t imagine not using it now.

    15. Colette*

      I think Twitter (like social media in general) is an individual experience for each person – you choose what you see based on who you follow and what you say. Personally, I follow a lot of writers, a few news organizations, people I know (in real life or through the internet) and people I think are funny.

      And I don’t check it often, usually once or twice a day.

    16. Ramona Flowers*

      I hate it. I periodically make an account to contact companies about customer service issues. No matter what I do, it makes me come up as a suggested contact for everyone I know which stresses me out – I can’t seem to just make an anon account even when I changed my freaking email. So I feel stressed and close it. (Family estrangement issues.)

    17. Floundering Mander*

      I have three accounts, actually! One is under my real name and I mostly use it for following and talking about academic stuff. I originally started it as a way to promote my copy editing business but I wasn’t very disciplined about keeping political stuff off of it. It’s mostly dormant now. I started a second one for a conference so that it would be “clean” of political things but I generally only use that for live tweeting at professional events.

      My third account started as a joke but I started using it for my more activist and irreverent stuff. I use it for talking with people I don’t know in real life about anything from politics to cultural stuff. The name has nothing to do with me and I set up a dedicated email for it so it’s much more anonymous than the other two accounts.

      Very few of my friends use Twitter for personal news so I don’t really use it for that. It’s kind of the equivalent of standing on a box in the park and ranting, while Facebook is more of a chat in the pub.

    18. Typhon Worker Bee*

      LOVE IT. I’ve made friends through Twitter; I just got a new job partly through Twitter connections. I also run a couple of work accounts.

      I share articles that I think are interesting (mostly science and politics/current events, but some sport and other random stuff too), cat photos, photos of signs and other things that make me laugh, screenshots of some of the more ridiculous phrases Duolingo comes up with, random observations, and anything else that crosses my mind. I also retweet silly puns and photos, plus more serious science/politics/etc content. Oh and I use it to share good reviews of my book, and to help promote work stuff and friends’ books/events/art etc.

      I’ve heard people say “Facebook is where you connect with people you went to high school with; Twitter is where you connect with the people you wish you went to high school with”, and also “Facebook will make you hate people you’ve known your whole life; Twitter will make you love people you’ve never met”. Both are true in my case. You just have to find Your People and follow them.

      1. Typhon Worker Bee*

        Oh, and it’s also great for contacting your representatives, bitching to companies about bad service etc. Many of them tend to be more responsive via Twitter than by email, especially if they see that you have lots of followers. I know my old MP quite well, having first introduced myself on Twitter. I then met him in person a few times and ended up volunteering on his last re-election campaign. We moved a few weeks ago and I introduced myself to our new MP on Twitter in the first week (different party – will not be working on his campaign :D). Twitter was also useful when dealing with FedEx woes last week. And our local transit authority is GREAT on Twitter – you hear about delays and cancellations there first, and they always respond to inquiries within minutes.

        1. Typhon Worker Bee*

          (Keep thinking of new stuff. I practically live on Twitter, LOL).

          I’m almost always the first person to know about breaking news, because of trending hashtags. Because I run a couple of work accounts, I have Twitter open all day at work (I check it at the end of every 25 minute Pomodoro), and see things as they happen.

          I’m @enniscath if anyone’s interested. Work accounts are @CEEHRC and @IHEC_Epigenomes

  24. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Move update: The work is basically done, except for a few small details (like I have to paint a mirror frame as it’s the one remaining gold item in our now-silver bathroom). But I was in such a hurry to unpack and get things put away so we weren’t living out of boxes that I didn’t put enough thought into organizing things, and now it feels like everything needs to be reorganized. But I’m completely burned out and can’t motivate myself to do anything.

    Driveway etiquette question: Our cars are both usually in our garage, so our driveway is empty and I’ve noticed that no one will park in it! Delivery people (groceries, other food, packages) will not go near it — they all park on the curb, even though they’re only going to be here for 30 seconds, giving themselves a much longer walk. Is this some kind of etiquette I don’t know, where you’re not supposed to park in someone’s driveway? I’ve been watching this with bafflement. (The other trend I’m noticing is that some delivery people call before they come up to the door, which is equally baffling to me. Ring the bell!)

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I find it’s mixed in my neighborhood. Some park out front and others come up the driveway. Doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. Perhaps their company policy is that they can’t come in the driveway? Or maybe they feel conspicuous if they do so? I know when I go to a stranger’s house I park in the street. It just feels…too familiar?…to use the driveway.

      As far as the bell goes, many doorbells don’t work (none of mine do, old house) so that’s probably why they’re calling. Or they’re giving you a chance to collect yourself and get to the door.

      And I did the same thing when we moved. I really wish I’d put much more thought into where things should be stored. I feel a bit disorganized in certain rooms because of it.

    2. fposte*

      I never even thought about this. However, in my experience, the only people who drive up the driveway to deliver are those delivering heavy goods, like refrigerators or trees or something. Groceries, pizza, UPS, etc. stick to the street. My suspicion is that driveways are such a mixed bag (mine is tricky) that it’s quicker to stick to the street and just run up to the door.

      1. Rocketship*

        Having run delivery a time or two before: It’s also much faster to take the slightly longer walk and just pull away from the curb than to pull into the driveway and have to back out of it.

        In a non-delivery context: personally I avoid parking in someone’s driveway when I can help it. It feels too… intrusive, somehow. Like I might as well be parking in their living room. But that’s just me – to each their own!

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      The calling before they come to the door is new, and I have no idea why they do it. Sometimes I think it’s because they’ve encountered too many barking dogs or perhaps too many people who won’t open the door, who knows. Odd, though, I agree.

      The parking-by-the-curb thing makes a little more sense to me. When I park at my own home and just have to run in and grab something, or I’m picking up my boyfriend, I won’t pull into the driveway. It’s easier to keep going that way because I don’t have to worry about backing out– I can just drive off. That would be my guess. If it were a repair or maintenance visit, I would expect someone to park in my driveway, but for a quick drop-off, I’m not surprised they stay on the street.

      1. nonegiven*

        If they call, then they can get your package out and meet you at the door. If you were in the shower or something it saves them an unload and reload and they can come back later.

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        According to an NPR piece I heard last week, it’s because millennials have ruined the doorbell. /s

        The article said that people are less likely to answer the doorbell anymore, because they expect that if it’s anyone they’re interested in seeing, they will text first.

        1. Floundering Mander*

          Of course, millennials ruin everything. :-)

          I prefer a call or text because I don’t have a doorbell and I’m usually upstairs. If someone calls to say they will be there in 5 minutes I can go wait near the door.

          More than once I have had a delivery person knock, then leave if I don’t instantly open the door. It baffles me. Do other people who are home during the day generally hang out by the door in the hopes that someone will knock?

          1. annon*

            The main FedEx guy for my area will knock and just go, but none of the stuff he’s delivered needed signing for. He was really put out the one time I actually opened the door and he had to hand me the box instead of just parking it awkwardly on the doorstep, though.

            I wonder if a lot of delivery companies expect you to be keeping tabs on when the delivery is due, and thus be watching for them. Which would be fine, except they usually just tell you something like “will arrive between 8am and 8pm,” and at least in my experience are often off by days – or marked as delivered when they’re still on the truck. So if that’s what these people are expecting, they need to get on the ball with their tracking system.

        2. annon*

          I just … never answered unexpected knocks/rings of the doorbell anyway, even before cellphones. I would, if I felt generous, maybe look outside the window and see if I could identify you, but if you were one of the jackasses who deliberately hid from the window I just wouldn’t answer. If someone who knew me did drop by unannounced, they knew to holler who they were through the door at me.

          It’s not like arranging a visit requires texting, and it’s not like antisocial folks like me are somehow new.

        3. nonegiven*

          I’m not millennial but if I’m home alone, I will not open the door to someone I don’t know or am not expecting.

    4. annon*

      In my area, a lot of people won’t park in the driveway unless it’s a heavy package – unless there’s a car already in the driveway. They seem to assume that if there isn’t a car there, there should be, so someone is probably out and might be back any second. Having seen how angry some folks get when someone’s parked in their driveway and they can’t get in immediately, I don’t really blame the delivery people for wanting to avoid that.

    5. nep*

      All I can think of for the delivery drivers is — even with walking the extra few steps — it’s quicker to just take off from at the curb than to have to back out of a driveway…?

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Backing up in a strange neighborhood might be more of a safety issue than we realize.
      Maybe the back up warning horn has drawn complaints from the neighbors.
      If it were me, I’d want an excuse to stand up and move around after sitting so much.

      Friends call me from the driveway, which is funny to me. Maybe they are being polite, or maybe it is just easier to them.

    7. LCL*

      Parking on the curb instead of the driveway means no backing. Which means a faster job and safer driving. Unless the house has a long driveway, or something large and heavy is being delivered, delivery drivers will pick curb parking and are usually instructed by their management to use it whenever possible for safety.

      Even with the short walk, it takes a longer time to back safely than to walk. Multiply those seconds times 80 or 100 stops per route, and the time adds up. Walking isn’t the hard part of delivering, the hard part is stepping in and out of the truck. (I loaded delivery trucks for a multinational delivery company when I was in college.)

    8. cornflower blue*

      My parents have three acres, with a fully wooded area at the front, so all you can see from the road is the driveway disappearing into the trees. Delivery drivers always walk up, and the driveway is about 200 yards long.

      Maybe they just can’t be sure if they will be able to turn around or back out, and decide to play it safe?

    9. Database Geek*

      It’s probably just easier/safer/faster to just stay on the street and go forward once delivered rather than backing up out of the driveway each time.

    10. the gold digger*

      I would never park in even a friend’s driveway unless the friend specifically tells me to. I would be shocked if a delivery person would park in the driveway. It appears to be Not Done in Milwaukee. (And it was Not Done in Memphis, either. Or in Austin.)

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        It’s been my experience, as well, that parking in someone else’s driveway is by invitation only. The drivers probably don’t want to presume to park there unless explicitly invited to do so.

      2. SL #2*

        I live in an LA suburb and I never park in a friend’s driveway unless they tell me “hey, pull into the driveway” for whatever reason. A former roommate from my college days came to pick me up last month and she pulled into the driveway and I had no idea. When I stepped out of the house, I saw her car and I just… immediately had this sense of incredible discomfort, like a weird boundary had been crossed? But it’s just a car in the driveway for fifteen minutes! This was a person I’d lived with for two years and she’s practically my sister! I had no idea why I felt that way, but I just did.

    11. JamieS*

      I think both are more of a courtesy thing so you have time to get yourself together (put on a robe) and so they don’t leave oil on your driveway. Not to mention they’re probably a little gun shy if someone’s previously yelled at them for parking in the driveway. I can think of several people who would get upset over a delivery person parking in the driveway. Better safe than sorry.

    12. Mal the College Student(Again)*

      We specifically will tell friends who are coming over to park in the driveway. We learned to do this after some friends came over for dinner and parked in the extra parking spaces in our cul-de-sac – IN A DOWNPOUR. It’s like almost a block long walk! We have a driveway, use it lol!
      Delivery people will use the curb, which is more convenient for a quick drop off, but we’ve have a couple different construction companies out here for varies things and I’ll email/call to tell them to park in the driveway when they come so they’re close to the house. We’re the house at the curve of the cul-de-sac so the curb isn’t close or convenient with the way our front door is behind the lawn, if that makes sense? It’s like, driveway, garage, lawn, front door.
      I didn’t know I had to tell people to use our driveway either. First time homeowner problems I suppose!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Ha, I do that too! I’m really big on directions, so all of my invitations include parking instructions, including, “There is room for one or two more cars in our driveway, please park in it!”

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I won’t park in someone else’s driveway unless they explicitly invite me to do so. The driveway is assumed to be for the use of the household members and I don’t want to block anyone in, or out, or make an inconvenience of myself. Of course, with friends I visit regularly, I know the drill about being welcome to park in the driveway, so I don’t make them have to tell me every single time.

    13. nonegiven*

      I think it’s harder to back up those delivery trucks because of limited visual field, plus it takes longer. Its’ probably faster to walk up the driveway than to pull up in it and then back out of it.

    14. Liz in a Library*

      I have also wondered about this! It took me badgering our friends, even, to get them to park in our drive (I have a reason to ask–we’ve unfortunately had several cars and mailboxes hit in our block by careless and drunk drivers, because we are right on a curve and hill, and I don’t want my friends’ cars hit!).

    15. Anono-me*

      When I ocasional drove a work truck, a big safety rule was to never park anywhere that would require backing up if you could avoid it. (Plus it was a pain to back up.)

      Calling from the vehicle saves time and energy. If you are not home or the address is wrong the driver saves about 7-10 minutes because s/he doesn’t have to get the delivery or the tools out of the truck, hike up the drive, ring the bell, wait, ring the bell again, wait some more, realize no one is home. Hike back to the truck , with heavy stuff and put it right back where it was 10 minutes earlier.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t know about the driveway thing. Everyone here parks in mine.

      As for the reorganizing, I rarely put everything away immediately when I move–I will slowly unpack because I almost always end up changing things around later if I don’t. I like the process of exploring and finding spots for stuff. I don’t mind a few boxes around as long as when I’m done, I’m done!

    18. Red Reader*

      I wish people would call instead of ringing the bell, bleh. I have 120 pounds worth of doorbell-reactive hound dogs, and answering the door around them is tricksy at best. I keep pondering a sign on the door to the effect of, “If you have a delivery, leave it in the box on the porch. If you have my number, call or text me. If you’re selling Girl Scout cookies, leave me your contact info and I’ll take three boxes of thin mints. But don’t ring or knock, or else the dogs will go crazy and I will get angry.”

    19. Windchime*

      This has nothing to do with the driveway thing, but have you heard of Rub n’ Buff? It’s a paste in a tiny tube and you could use it to give a silvery finish to your gold mirror frame. Here is a link:

      https://tinyurl.com/yc6nco2x

      I’ve used this several times and it’s super easy to use. A little goes a long way and you can layer it.

    20. Jennifer O*

      Where I live, delivery people won’t leave things at the door if you’re not home. By calling when they arrive, they can know if you’re home or not. If you’re home, they can take your package to the door. However, if you’re not home, they can leave the package in the car and just come to the door with the delivery notice. Saves them time and the work of traipsing the package back and forth.

      (I’ve known them to skip the calling part and just leave the note on the door – even when people are at home waiting for the package.)

      1. Arjay*

        Which is so frustrating when they call from a number I’ve never seen before without caller id and don’t leave a message. If I’m expecting something, and I catch the phone ringing, I’ll answer. If I’m not expecting something or don’t have the phone on me (often the case), I’m out of luck because they don’t knock and wait 30 seconds to see what happens.

  25. Ramona Flowers*

    Does anyone else do 10Q? They send you ten questions (I think it coincides with rosh hashana but anyone can do it) and then email you your answers a year later. It’s pretty cool. Link to follow…

    2. nep*

      Interesting — never heard of it.
      Is the idea that we’ll be amused or surprised a year from now how we saw a certain thing? Could you give an example of a question?

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        It’s more reflective than anything. The questions are the same each year – here are some examples:

        -Describe a significant experience that has happened in the past year. How did it affect you? Are you grateful? Relieved? Resentful? Inspired?

        -Is there something that you wish you had done differently this past year? Alternatively, is there something you’re especially proud of from this past year?

      3. LizB*

        To add to what Ramona said, in the Jewish tradition, the 10-day span from Rosh Hashana to Yom Kippur (which is when 10Q runs every year) is a time for self-reflection, making amends to anyone you’ve hurt in the past year, and setting intentions for the upcoming year. So for folks who are Jewish and some level of observant, the questions provide a good framework for the reflection we’re doing anyway right now, and getting your answers from the previous year is another way to look back and see if you’ve made the changes you intended to make a year ago.

  26. Loopy*

    I will never not struggle with wedding etiquette. I have a dress that’s mostly black with a few white accents. I generally try not to wear black to a wedding (not sure if I made that rule up or its a thing) but is it okay for a rehearsal dinner?? The bride is very very… Particular. So I’m trying to err on the safe side. And I’m a plus one so we aren’t close enough for me to ask.

    1. fposte*

      You didn’t make up the rule, but a lot of young people really like black so it’s not observed as often as it used to be; I don’t know that it ever applied to the rehearsal dinner anyway. If you wanted to be especially safe, find a brightly colored scarf as an accent and don’t wear black or white shoes.

      1. Loopy*

        I’m really hoping there are less rules around the rehearsal dinner! I’ll have to find some bright accessories.

        I went looking for a cheap dress today to avoid this dilemma and nothing worked out.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’d wear it. (I’ve never been to a rehearsal dinner, though, so I don’t know if there’s etiquette involved there.) And if the bride is Particular, that’s her problem, not yours. It’s not like you’re walking in on her wedding day wearing a white gown or fluorescent orange.

      (But I have no patience for worrying about the feelings of the Delicate Flowers of the world, so take this with a grain of salt.)

      1. Loopy*

        I so wish I could just not worry but I hate to feel self conscious in a social setting so it’s as almost much for my comfort to check if this is commonly allowed! Knowing that I am wearing the socially acceptable thing to a formal event gives me a least a little less nerves about the whole thing!

    4. Julianne*

      Wait, you’re not supposed to wear black to a wedding? Hope my friends don’t care about that rule, because I don’t have time to shop for a new dress before their wedding next weekend…

      1. annon*

        I think the idea is that it’s funerary, which isn’t appropriate for a wedding. OTOH, most people I know only have one formal/nice outfit, often black, because at least in my social circle it’s a bigger faux pas to show up in a bright color at a funeral than a dark one at a wedding. I’ve run into some etiquette sticklers, but the no-black-at-weddings thing seems to be going away, as long as you aren’t otherwise presenting with a mournful demeanor. (I like fposte’s idea of the bright scarf, or maybe some bright happy jewelry or somesuch.)

        The bigger problem is wearing a white dress to a wedding when you’re not the bride, especially if you’re like a narcissistic relative of mine and showed up in what was very clearly a wedding dress.

      2. Tomato Frog*

        You’ll be fine. I’ve always followed the no-black rule, but even so I didn’t think anything of my guests who wore black to my wedding. Personally, I like to see people in color, it makes me happy, but I didn’t find it rude or offensive when people wore black.

      3. Loopy*

        I honestly don’t know where I got this idea. I’m weirdly anxious about wedding dress. I tend to go way out of my way to be well within the lines of appropriate. Sometimes unnecessarily!!!

      4. Dance fever*

        Black is pretty common now, but it used to be a Big Statement of Disapproval. Back in the late 1970s my uncle married a woman NO ONE liked. All of his friends came to the wedding in black. One woman even wore a black veil! The marriage didn’t last, but the wedding photos, which seemed to capture a weirdly upbeat funeral, brought years of hilarity.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I wore a black top and a black patterned skirt to the last wedding I went to. I had nothing else, and the bride did not care. She actually said I looked really nice, and I know she meant it.

      2. Loopy*

        For my best friend’s wedding I know she would not mind and has also worn black herself to weddings. I don’t think I would have been as anxious about it for there weddings, actually. I guess I’m putting this wedding in the category of more formal/traditional.

    6. Tomato Frog*

      I don’t believe there are rules for the rehearsal dinner, beyond the usual considerations you would make as a dinner guest, and maybe not wearing white just in case the bride’s being thematic. Personally, it would never ever ever occur to me to object to black at a rehearsal dinner. I certainly did not think about it at my own.

      1. Loopy*

        It’s perfectly likely I’m looking for worries unnecessarily but in the past I’ve seemingly offended this person for things I didn’t think were a problem at all, one bitten twice shy and all that.

    7. Jules the First*

      Black is fine for the rehearsal dinner (though ideally not all black – colourful accessories and fun shoes, or a print, or accents, or…) though I am surprised you’ve been invited to the rehearsal dinner when you’re not close enough to the couple to call and ask….they’re usually family and bridal party only.

      Generally you want to avoid black at a wedding as it is considered mourning, but it can be done if you have an obviously cocktail number and pair it with bright accessories – I wore a LBD to s friend’s wedding this summer, with a hot pink shrug and shoes.

      2. DCR*

        It is also really common to have a bigger rehearsal dinner and also invite everyone who traveled to town for the wedding. Unclear if that is OP’s situation, but I don’t find it odd at all that she was invited to the rehearsal dinner (especially as a plus one)

    8. Loopy*

      So my anxiety got the best of me. I ran out to the Goodwill up the street. I told myself it wasn’t a big deal if I didn’t find anything, I’d wear the black.

      But someone just my size must have donated like 10-15 perfect dresses in exactly my style. So I lucked out and found a perfect deep purple dress for the dinner and a mostly green (with some white) dress for the wedding. Pretty sure the green is the primary color of that dress and not white (ha now I’ll be worrying about the white ratio on the NEW dress). For 5.99 each it seemed crazy not to snatch them up.

      Gosh, I’m so glad this is the last wedding of the foreseeable future. I might sound crazy but I’ve heard so much talk about between other guests and by other women over the years it’s given me serious/major event anxiety when it comes to dress. I hate that I care so much!

      1. OhBehave*

        That was a great score! If the bride is very particular, be observant of her wedding colors. If she’s that picky, she might not be pleased that you match the wedding! I figure if people are that concerned with what I am wearing, then their lives must not be that exciting. Have fun :)

        P.S. I feel the same way about these kinds of events. I drive myself crazy finding the right thing to wear.

          1. annon*

            Are you a bridesmaid? If so, then you do probably want to contact the bride and ask about colors, style, whatever. If you’re a member of the bridal party on the groom’s side, ask him. If you’re just a guest, no, you don’t need to match the wedding colors or dress like the bridesmaids or anything like that – you just need to not take attention off the bride (that’s what the not-wearing-white rule boils down to, and sort of the no-funeral-attire rule).

            Frankly, if someone was getting so picky as to try and dictate precisely what non-bridal-party guests were wearing, I’d refuse to attend the wedding. If she has issues with you somehow not wearing precisely what she dreamed you would, that’s on her, not on you.

      2. Nana*

        When DD got married, she asked her bridesmaids to wear black cocktail length dresses, their choice. And this was 15 or so years ago…rules have changed.

          1. fposte*

            You’ll never get into trouble *not* wearing black at a wedding, though, so it doesn’t need to change you that much.

          2. annon*

            Style rules are always in flux, which is why one of the few ironclad rules of etiquette is to always assume good faith, not insult, on the part of the person violating some piece of etiquette unless you have really good reason to believe it really was done intentionally.

            For example, if a guest shows up to your wedding wearing black, and is not going around making it clear she’s done it as a snub to you, the proper thing to do (even if you are internally taken a bit aback) is to be gracious and assume she wore that dress because it’s her only formal dress/she liked it/she didn’t know the rule/it’s not a rule in her culture/etc., and treat her as graciously as if she’d worn the bright dress you expected. Rules and expectations of etiquette work both ways – guest and host need to make good-faith efforts, and etiquette shouldn’t be about lording one’s deep knowledge of esoteric rules over others, but making social occasions run smoothly.

            If someone took you to task for wearing black to a wedding, they’re the rude one.

      3. annon*

        Your green dress should be fine for the wedding. The rule isn’t “no other article of clothing can have any white at all,” it’s “don’t wear an entirely white dress if you’re not the bride,” because you don’t want to wear something that could theoretically get you mistaken for the bride or take a lot of attention off of her. (For a similar reason it’s probably a bad idea to wear a blinking neon hat that flashes I’M THE BRIDE at people.)

        I envy you that purple dress. I don’t even know what it looks like, I just like purple.

    9. Nye*

      In the US, I think there’s a regional aspect to this as well. On the East Coast, I’ve noticed it’s quite common to wear black cocktail dresses even to the wedding. On the West Coast, it’s pretty rare and seems overly formal when most guests are in more colorful, less tailored frocks. For a rehearsal dinner, I think black is fine anywhere unless you’re given a very particular dress code.

      1. Loopy*

        I am from the Northeast and am currently in deep south, so I find myself always worrying about not being on the same page as everyone else!

        1. Nye*

          I was pretty surprised the first time I wore black to a West Coast wedding! I knew the traditional etiquette but had been to enough Northeast weddings that I figured it was outdated. It wasn’t a problem, but there were only two of us (both Northeast transplants) in black.

    10. Call me St. Vincent*

      Maybe this is a regional thing, but in the NY metro area, people wear black to weddings all the time. I’ve worn black to plenty of weddings (usually when they’re black tie or black tie optional, but otherwise still fine!). I don’t see why a black dress with white accents would raise even a little bit of an eyebrow at a rehearsal dinner. Go forth and enjoy! If the bride raises a concern, that’s absolutely ridiculous and I was a “particular” bride myself ;)

    11. Floundering Mander*

      I think there is no hard and fast rule on this kind of thing anymore. I was once a bridesmaid where we all wore black evening dresses (it was the easiest way to get everyone to match). I have worn black to various weddings and rehearsals. But none of my friends are picky or traditional, so I could have turned up in jeans and it wouldn’t have been a problem.

  27. The Other Dawn*

    I want to thank whoever recommended Ken Follett’s Century trilogy a few weeks ago. I was able to get it electronically from the library and I’m happily reading the first book. It’s 842 pages long, so I’m quite happy (I love long books). Only issue is it’s taking me awhile due to my relentless back pain. I just can’t sit or lay down and read for as long as I used to because the pain drives me to distraction.

    1. Simone R*

      I think that was me-I’m glad you like it! I loved it, but because I read it when they were still coming out and I had to keep rereading them when a new one came out because I couldn’t remember what had happened!

    2. CatCat*

      If your library uses Overdrive, you could possibly check out the downloadable audiobook to the Overdrive app. Might help if you need to be standing or walking for your back. The narrator on the Century Trilogy is phenomenal.

  28. Sophia*

    Does anyone understand/can explain the differences between Amazon subscription and save program and their prime pantry program?

    1. King Friday XIII*

      Subscribe and save, you’re saying “yeah send me this every three months” and you get a 15% discount if you’re getting five or more, and they ship on a specific day of the month. Pantry orders come in basically a giant box and don’t have any recurring schedule, and they take like… I think two weeks to ship from whenever you order them? And have a shipping fee.

    2. periwinkle*

      Prime Pantry = Fill a box from their selection of Prime Pantry items and buy for a one-time shipment. There is frequently a “buy 5 items from this selection and save $6”, which basically means free shipping since that’s $5.99 per box. Each Prime Pantry item description includes a percentage – when you’ve reached 100%, you’ve maxed out one PP box. I’ve never quite figured out how the percentages are calculated – some combination of bulk and weight, I guess? The heavy box of 24 Fancy Feast cans takes up slightly less “space” than the bulkier but lighter 12-pack of toilet paper. There are often electronic coupons on items – just click and you’ll get the savings. When I place PP orders, they generally arrive in a few days – not as fast as the standard 2-day Prime shipping, but not much longer. The order will come in one very large, very sturdy box.

      Subscription = You’ve designated the item for auto-ship on a regular schedule in exchange for a lower price. This is handy if the item is a consumable you use regularly in a predictable amount like diapers or coffee.

      1. nonegiven*

        On the subscription, you can still put off things for next month until a few days before it’s to ship.

  29. Janine*

    Does it make sense to say I’m extremely introverted but at the same time fears isolation?

    There are all these memes that say stuff along the lines of how great it is (as an introvert) to be left completely alone, and how annoying it is to have all these social engagements to answer to. I’ve known for a long time I’m introverted, and I don’t like having a bustling social calendar, but at the same time if it’s empty for a stretch of time it makes me anxious, and I start questioning if I’m not doing enough to sustain friendships. But then when I /do/ start going out again I get overwhelmed so easily.

    1. annon*

      I’m about as hardcore an introvert as it gets, and those memes annoy the crap out of me. They conflate a lot of things with introversion, and frankly aren’t doing us introverts any favors.

      Yes, you can be introverted and fear/hate/dread isolation. I like being isolated, generally, and even I have moments of “I’ve got to go see another human face.” I know plenty of introverts who have active social calendars, or who are chatty, or who enjoy parties, or whatever introverts aren’t “supposed” to like; conversely, I’ve known plenty of extroverts who are socially anxious, quiet at work, not into constant partying, etc.

      I will say that nothing angers me more than having a friend use their introversion/extroversion as an excuse for why they couldn’t bother holding up their end of the friendship. And yes, I’ve had people use both – “oh I’m an introvert, it’s so hard for me to even stay in minimal contact” vs. “but I’m an extrovert, so when Other Friend invited me to a bigger party with more drinking I just had to ditch you and go!” So it’s not actually a bad thing for you to be reaching out to your friends – friendships really do require both parties to do their part to sustain it. Introversion shouldn’t mean you just passively sit there and wait for the extroverts in your friend group to do the heavy lifting.

      On being overwhelmed – when this happens to me it’s usually because I’ve gone to the wrong kind of social event/place – that is, one that’s way more draining than I anticipated. Are you the one picking places to go, or how many friends you’re hanging out with at once, or how long an event goes on? How do your friends react to you feeling overwhelmed? Also, a lot of this sounds more like social anxiety than introversion – not that it necessarily is – so I wonder, would it be worth finding a sympathetic counselor to talk to about this? Even if it’s not actual social anxiety, they may be able to help you find ways to balance your need to be alone with your need and desire to be around others.

    2. NaoNao*

      I think some of the confusion around what it means to be introverted is stoked by those memes. Those people aren’t introverted they are *anti-social*. It’s normal to want human contact and companionship! I go through phases, like a lot of people, where I feel an intense FOMO if I’m not trying to connect every minute—social media, going onto Eventbrite and finding stuff, planning activities, etc. Then I sort of wind down and calm down and spend a week or two mostly alone.
      One way that I’ve found to achieve balance in my life is to have short regular exchanges with people I see all the time. Neighbors, my leasing agents (the front desk of the apartment is staffed, and the amenities I need are in the same building), Lyft drivers, etc. So I feel like I got some socializing done but I didn’t get burned out and overwhelmed.
      Another thing to note is I’m not sure of your age, but I noticed that as I got older, people sort of…stopped doing the “hang out often, mostly in packs” thing. I used roll around town with an entourage of minimum six people. It was super easy to get groups together up until about age 30. Then I moved to Asia and the ex pat community was very strong, and very social. I had a wardrobe made up of bikinis and cocktail dresses!
      I got the wrong idea of how social life worked from these two back to back experiences.
      I was crying on my mom’s shoulder about not having enough friends, and she asked me “well, how many do you need? I keep hearing about friends! You must have some!” I said “50!” I wanted a rolodex of at least that many :)
      But in reality, even a group of 4-5 friends can be a bit much for me sometimes!

      1. annon*

        Oh, I like the idea of those short regular interactions. I’m very antisocial by inclination, but I’ve just moved and am trying not to be the neighborhood hermit. I might try that and see how it goes.

        1. Dan*

          For real? I hate it. It’s one thing with people I see regularly (like the landlady), but it’s another with people I will never see again, like the Uber driver.

          I travel quite a bit on my own, and the worst part is enduring the small talk people want to make about “OMG! Why you travel by yourself?” Shit gets old and it kinda bugs me because I’m gone for 3-4 weeks at a stretch.

          TBH, most of the time the answer is, I do want I want to do, and if people want to come along, then great, if not, great too. Although, I’m starting to prefer my own company at this point. No arguing about where to eat, how late to stay out, and how late to sleep in.

          1. annon*

            I was thinking more talking to my neighbors at the mailbox, since they’re considerably more social than I am.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      That internal argument could be a sign that change is on the horizon for you. You might find yourself being a little more outgoing in the future. Or not.
      I do think that degree of introversion changes with age or circumstances. Try considering introversion like a sliding scale rather than a finite, definite position, see where that puts you.

    4. Sherm*

      It makes sense to me. I’m about as introverted as you can possibly get. But something interesting happened when I went camping earlier this year. One day during the trip, I was feeling sick, so I told my friends to go hiking without me while I hung out at the campsite alone for a good chunk of the day. The campsite was hardly bustling, and we were at one end of it and down this slope a bit, so it was impossible to see the rest of it. The isolation really got to me. I thought “Man, solitary confinement is BRUTAL!” Have you ever seen one of those photos online of some tiny cabin, with a caption such as “You get a million dollars if you stay in here for a month. Would you do it?” I used to think “Of course!” Now I’m not so sure about that at all.

      So, no, I don’t think it’s weird at all to be very introverted and loathing of isolation. Perhaps what fits you best is a *low* level of social interaction.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      I don’t think it’s helpful for most people to identify as either an introvert or an extrovert – those categories are about your internal energy levels, not how you interact with other people or your preferences for socializing. I mean, going by the labels, I’d be an introvert because I absolutely need peace and quiet at home even though I’m an outgoing people person when I choose to be social. It might be more useful for you to just figure out your individual parameters for socializing than trying to fit yourself into a weird box.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        I find it helps to break down what people think of as introversion into four different parameters. There’s introvert vs extrovert (energy levels, how you recharge), social vs antisocial (do you actually like spending time with people), awkward vs adept (are you good at reading social situations and people’s reactions, and can you respond appropriately), and anxious vs confident (do you have anxiety issues when it comes to social interactions).

    6. AcademiaNut*

      I think that’s actually a common introvert problem. You don’t need much social interaction, but you do need some, and it can be difficult to keep up a variety of friendships when you end up turning down a lot of invitations, or not going to gatherings. To more extroverted friends, it can feel like you want them to be there when you want them, but can’t be bothered the rest of the time. The trick is to balance a social calendar that works for you, but to also communicate to your friends that although you only go out occasionally, you still want to spend that time with them. One thing that goes a long way is occasionally initiating – email a friend and see if they want to meet for coffee, for example. If necessary, set a calendar reminder so that you don’t go too long without communicating with a particular friend, even if it’s quick Facebook comment. Or if you’ve got the space, have a yearly event at your house that you invite people to. It can be something simple like a coffee and dessert evening, but it signals that you enjoy their company.

      And yes, the conflation of introvert and antisocial (or socially awkward, or anxious) annoys me too. Particularly the anti-social part, where the person expects to be excused from all social conventions involving personal interactions, but also demands that there be no negative consequences for the fact that they’re going around radiating contempt and dislike for everyone. Particularly when it’s in a work environment, and people have to deal with them.

      There’s also the special snowflake introvert version, where they explain that they can’t possibly be expected to show up for things, or respond to emails, or help other people, but fully expect you to be there to support them when they need it.

      1. annon*

        the person expects to be excused from all social conventions involving personal interactions, but also demands that there be no negative consequences for the fact that they’re going around radiating contempt and dislike for everyone

        I am antisocial in addition to being introverted, and that pisses me off, too. But I am also not socially anxious, and I can be social enough that I’ve had a few people pull the “special snowflake introvert” thing on me, assuming I’m extroverted because I can make small talk, I guess? Or maybe they know I’m introverted too but think their introversion trumps mine, I don’t know. I’m not friends with them anymore.

        I mean, if you’re going to be an antisocial outlier, acknowledge it and deal with the fact that most people aren’t antisocial. I do think there should be a balance – expecting me to hang out with you every night of the week is unreasonable to the other extreme, particularly for most workplaces – but expecting me to be a bit social now and then is not remotely unreasonable, nor is it a huge demand.

        There’s give and take in every relationship, including with our acquaintances and work colleagues, not just our family and close friends. And that’s “everyone gives and everyone takes,” not some weird unbalanced “extroverts give and introverts take” where only people deemed extroverted or social enough are expected to do the work of keeping the relationship running.

        I am extremely antisocial. I can count the number of friends I have on one hand, with fingers to spare. That’s my choice, and one I am happy with – it’s not the fault of all the social people around me that I choose not to socialize with them. It’s not on them to recognize when I do experience loneliness and step in for me, it’s on me to manage my own need for socialization and reach out.

        What gets me the most about the “I am an introvert so you must do all the work of reaching out to me/maintaining the relationship” is that it very quickly turns into “I am an introvert and you didn’t read my mind/reach out precisely how I wanted/you reached out too often.” It’s a borderline abusive setup, and it’s disturbing how much these introvert memes end up setting up extroverts as shallow not-really-people whose own needs and feelings don’t matter.

    7. Paul*

      It’s imminently sensible. Introversion doesn’t mean you hate any and all social contact after all.

      I like hanging out with one or two friends about once a month. I like chatting with my parents and my brother on the phone once every couple of weeks.

    8. ..Kat..*

      I can assuage isolation with a trip to the museum (for example). I go by myself. But, I am surrounded by other people (many of them alone), so I am not feeling isolated.

  30. Kristine*

    Hope this isn’t too political a topic.

    The marriage equality plebiscite is underway in Australia. There was a lot of opposition to holding this vote – not just by people who oppose same-sex marriage, but those who feared it would stir up hate groups and divide people in general. If our government had any sense of leadership they should’ve legislated it without pushing it to a vote.

    So now there’s this big (non-official) debate, with flyers being sent around saying stuff like ‘this is how gay marriage will AFFECT YOUR CHILDREN’, so much talk about slippery slopes (apparently people are going to be marrying animals next), religious arguments – including some of my FB friends who are well-meaning enough, but just keep reiterating the ‘we don’t mind you getting together but you shouldn’t call it marriage’ argument, accusations that this is discrimination against people with a different opinion (there was an actual ‘straight lives matter’ rally), and while we don’t throw out the ‘free speech’ argument as much as people in the US do, it’s certainly getting a lot of air time right now.

    The most frustrating thing is this is non-binding. Even if majority of people voted Yes that’s no guarantee the law will be passed. There is absolutely no indication there will be any adjustments to the status quo unless it really is a landslide result. With everything that’s happened in the past year or so, I don’t have much faith at all.

    1. Lissa*

      ugh, that’s really frustrating. I’ve heard a fair bit about Australia’s vote on it and it doesn’t sound good at all. With the whole “it’ll affect your children” thing…have they actually talked to people from countries where it’s been legal for a long time? Gay marriage has been legal here in Canada since 2004, and so far as I know nothing has fallen apart at the seams, people are still having kids, heterosexuality isn’t a crime, cats and dogs still fight…

      ALso…straight lives matter? Wow, just….WTH? The paranoia some of these people have that somehow gay marriage being legal will be a threat to their lives….I don’t get it!

      1. Grumpy bear*

        The No vote side have several TV ads with what they clearly think are ‘horror stories’ from countries with gay marriage. Apparently one Canadian Dad is quite miffed that his Christian Children should be asked to celebrate same sex marriages. I spend a lot of time yelling at my tv lately.

      1. Ismis*

        Ireland needed to vote because it involved a changed to the constitution. It was held in voting centres. In Australia, it’s a non-binding postal survey. There have already been cases reported of the letters being taken out of letter boxes and being trashed :/

          1. Ismis*

            Absolutely! Hopefully it won’t effect the end result, but it makes it easier for the losing side to call foul. Not much to do now, I guess, but wait and see.

    3. nep*

      (Straight lives matter ??!! There was really a straight lives matter rally?)

      I was impressed and moved by Sen. Penny Wong’s speech about this the other day.

    4. nonegiven*

      Back when the ‘defense of marriage’ thing was going around, BIL took a few minutes at a family dinner to proselytize to me about it. He started off with the thing about ‘real marriage,’ I don’t remember the exact thing but somehow it would affect one woman and one man marriage. I never did understand what that argument was about or how it was supposed to affect my marriage or his. Then somehow, that will lead to people marrying (I forget how he put it, but he meant polyamory) then, magically that will somehow lead to people marrying children and animals.

      I might have rolled my eyes somewhere in there. I’m not sure what he was after, maybe I should call my Senator or something, idk. After he was done, I said, “Well, I think they ought to let them get married. I don’t see how it’s any skin off my nose. In fact, I think they should let any number of consenting adults marry who and how many they want.”

      He sat there and looked at me without another word for a good minute or two. Then he got up and went into the other room and I never heard another word on the subject from him.

      1. many bells down*

        I had someone tell me once “Well then what’s to stop people from marrying their brothers?” Like … in no universe would I ever WANT to marry my brother, even if we weren’t related. The question assumes that if it were legal, then everyone would be doing it just … because?

        1. annon*

          I always wonder, when people make arguments like this, if they realize that they’ve basically just admitted that they have no interior sense of morality and only do/don’t do things because they’re afraid of being caught. Or, if you point that out to them, you get the response that they are moral, but other people are immoral jackwagons who are only barely leashed by the law, and that just strikes me as both incredibly paranoid and incredibly sad, that they think every other human is just some kind of barely-restrained monster.

    5. An interesting idea*

      I live in a conservatice, very religious US state and there were a lot of people saying the same kind of things in my area (gay marriage was briefly legal, then was blocked by some court order, then that became moot after the Supreme Cour ruling in Obergefell vs Hodges). One of the most interesting responses to some of the issues people brought up (generally in response to “but then they can force churches to perform marriages they don’t agree with!) I heard was from a gay man who proposed the US do what Brazil has done. In Brazil all marriages (heterosexual and homosexual) are performed by the state. Religions are free to use whatever criteria they want to grant religious union rites as they wish, but religious ceremonies are not legally recognized or legally binding. For a legal marriage it has to be done by the state.
      Not directly related, but it popped into my head. I still think it wouldn’t be a bad idea.

      1. Floundering Mander*

        I really wish we’d do that. I cannot see how it is any business of mine, nor how it affects my marriage whatsoever.

  31. fposte*

    This week in random internet hilarity:

    In what I think is probably a comic backlash from It, there are now several comedy Tumblrs devoted to defending the good name of clown and employing the conceit that clowns are non-human pet species and that people need to be informed about their selection, care, and training.

    Here’s the best one: https://clownbiology.tumblr.com/

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I saw it and I absolutely HATED it. I was super disappointed, too, because they nailed Pennywise in terms of how he looked (and Bill Skarsgard really was good). But they f*cked with it enough and in certain ways that it pissed me off, so I’m not going to bother with the second half.

        1. Merci Dee*

          See, in general, I loved the movie. I figured going in that there would be some changes (there always are in movies adapted from books), but I looked at it from the perspective of keeping the over-all tone intact. Which I think they did a very good job of.

          That said . . .

          I hated that Bev was snatched and dragged into the sewer. Because 1) this is freaking 2017, and we should be past the damsel in distress trope, 2) Bev was one of the braver and level-headed of the kids from the start, and 3) the whole reason the confrontation in the book works is that all 7 kids make the choice to confront Pennywise. The choice to act on their own because the adults won’t was kind of the point of the Losers Club, and that’s snatched away when Bev is taken underground against her will. So, boo there. But it did give rise to my favorite of Richie’s quotes, “…and now I’m going to have to kill this f*cking clown…”

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I hated a lot of it, but that’s the thing that pissed me off the most. I was livid. Absolutely livid. People have been saying, “But Bev and the others were already victims.” Yeah, they were but as the Losers Club, they took back their power. And that scene–you know, the one they left out, that even King admits he could have done another way? Bev CHOSE to do that. She was in complete control of that moment. Folks who’ve been using it as an argument in favor of Bev’s victimization tend to forget that. I’m well aware you can’t do everything in a film the way you do it in a book. But they threw away the whole point of the story. I almost got up and walked out at that point. I just cannot excuse it.

            Also, Henry Bowers was not scary. Sorry. In fact, none of it was. Too many jump scares (yawn), and stuff like Eddie’s leper started out good and then went way over the top. They just cannot stop going over the top. I was so pissed off I wrote a 1500-word review on my blog when I got home (click on my name if you want to go read it).

            Richie was awesome, though. I like Finn Wolfhard and he did a great job. All the kids did their best.

  32. Lissa*

    Podcast talk anyone? I never thought they would be my thing – I have ADHD and focusing on audio alone has never worked for me, but somehow over the last year I’ve gotten into them, and in a lot of ways they’ve really helped my mental health and fitness, as I can go for 2 hour long walks with a podcast on, not being alone with my own thoughts.

    I’m pretty picky when it comes to them, but always looking for more. I like audio dramas a lot but I feel like I’ve run through most of the “well known” ones – Night Vale and spinoffs, Black Tapes and spinoffs, Limetown. Tried a couple of the sci-fi themed ones, like ars paradoxica, but couldn’t really get into them.. I also really liked Black Jack Justice, a recent (but set in the 1940s) detective-noir, but don’t really enjoy most others in that style because they are actually from the 1940s/1950s and there tend to be no awesome women, which is kind of a requirement for me. :)

    The other style I like is history or weird things from history podcasts – History of Rome, British History Podcast, Memory Palace, Futility Closet. Though again I’m sort of picky and cannot get into ones that have the hosts just chatting to each other about random things and don’t get to the topic of the episode! I like them to be mostly focused.

    Favourites, least favourites, recommendations or thoughts here?

    1. Lily Evans*

      If you hate hosts getting off topic, definitely avoid My Favorite Murder. I love it and it’s recommended a lot in lots of places, but it probably won’t be your thing (which is hopefully helpful to know since it is super popular). But if you’re at all interested in true crime-y type things you might like Generation Why. I actually don’t listen to it because they’re too to-the-point and I like some chit chat in my podcasts. And if you like supernatural type stories I’d definitely recommend Lore! It’s a different topic every week and it’s really well done.

      3. Lissa*

        Ooh, yes, I love Lore! Forgot to mention that in my post. :) I have heard of My Favorite Murder and didn’t try it partly because I suspected it would be very chatty and not my thing. I’ll give Generation Why a shot! I’m OK with occasional off topic funny comments here and there, but there was one I tried that I thought i’d love from the comments (can’t remember the name of it, it was two male hosts) and I listened to 15 minutes of one and they hadn’t even got to the topic…then I forgot that had happened and tried it again a few months later with a different episode and remembered why I hadn’t got into it before! :)

        Also I think one funny thing that can happen from listening to a number of them is hearing the same topic discussed more than once and it’s like “oh, I know this one!” Lore and Futility Closet have shared a few topics, like one about Kate Webster (servant who murdered her employer in England in the 19th century) and the pass in Russia where a bunch of hikers mysteriously died.

        1. annon*

          Dyatlov Pass! Yeah, it gets weird sometimes, listening to mystery/paranormal/weird stuff or reading articles, because it seems like certain things get both perennially recycled and will also suddenly come on in bursts. I kind of enjoy it, because I usually like getting different takes on the same subject, but sometimes it feels like a couple sources just get recycled over and over, which gets annoying.

        2. Lily Evans*

          If you don’t mind a little off topicness and like true crime and mysteries, then I’d also recommend Thinking Sideways! I find it to be a happy medium for chattiness/humor and staying on topic. And they cover a very wide range of topics so it’s easy to skip around to the most interesting to you ones. And there’s a ton of episodes to work through, just stick with the newer ones if sound quality bothers you because it’s good now but it was a bit rough pre-2015 or so (which I found easier to forgive once I already liked the series).

    2. annon*

      I’m sort of in a similar boat – I didn’t even try podcasts for the longest time because I often have problems following spoken things and hate audiobooks, for example, but then my best friend reminded me that I like to leave the TV on for background noise, so maybe I’d like podcasts after all. She was right, and they’re certainly a lot cheaper than the cable subscription.

      I’m sort of picky and cannot get into ones that have the hosts just chatting to each other about random things and don’t get to the topic of the episode! <- this and my hatred for lots of in-jokes is why I couldn't get into My Favorite Murder, despite true crime stuff being right up my alley. It's also why I tend to drop a lot of the various pop-culture-focused stuff I've tried. Also, and this is not particularly flattering to me, but I am ridiculously picky about sound quality/people's voices/etc. in a way I wouldn't be talking to them in person, so I have in fact dropped podcasts because one of the people had an annoying laugh or verbal tick, or there were weird staticky noises, or the like.

      History of Rome is great! Have you listened to his Revolutions podcast too? I don't know if that topic's your thing, but I do recommend it if you are into history. If you're into local history, there are a surprising number of podcasts out there that focus on one city, state, or region – I'm subscribed to a handful for places I've never been, just because I find them fun.

      What's Futility Closet about?

      In addition to true crime and history podcasts, I like the weird paranormal ones, mostly because I find them very entertaining. But I will fully cop to being one of those people who watched Ancient Aliens before I ditched my TV, so take that for what it's worth. (Give me a break, that show is hilarious.)

      1. Lissa*

        I haven’t listened to Revolutions! Will give it a try. Thanks! I wouldn’t mind some local history ones, might see what I can find there.

        Futility Closet is two hosts, a married couple, and they discuss weird/interesting things in history, typically one major one per episode. It’s really all over the place, from unsolved murders to a lion who got out of the circus and roamed the sewers of England, to how there’s a fund specifically for people who send money to the US government because they feel guilty (for say, stealing 5 dollars years before). At the end of each episode they do a lateral thinking puzzle where one gives the other one a riddle to solve by asking yes/no questions.

      2. LizB*

        I couldn’t get into My Favorite Murder for exactly the reasons you describe. I’m instead getting my true crime fix through Criminal, which I’m really loving. I like the narrator, I like the stories they choose, I like the pacing and the fact that it’s more reporting-style than discussion-style. To me it feels like a similar vibe to Serial or S-Town, but in little one-shots.

    3. Florida*

      There is one I like called Intelligence Squared. It’s a debate podcast on a sorts of topics. They have intelligent debaters – people who are qualified to defend their side of the argument, not people ranting with emotion. If a debater doesn’t back up their argument with some intelligent argument, the moderator pushes them too. In other words, you won’t here anything like, “You’re wrong, so there.”

      I also like Planet Money and Freakonomics about economics. Hidden Brain kind of fits in that same category.

      One of my favorites is This American Life.

      I tried listening to What You Didn’t Learn in History Class. Hated it. The hosts seemed so judgmental. I just wanted to learn more about history. Maybe I’ll try some that have been recommended here.

    4. Elkay*

      Have you listened to Homecoming? I haven’t listened to the second season but the first was very good.

      Try BBC Seriously, they’re 30-60 minutes documentaries, there’s no host as each episode focuses on a different topic. I think they do 2 a week.

    6. Lady Jay*

      What about Myths & Legends? They retell myths and legends (obviously) from around the world – accurately, but with a good dose of humour. I’m loving their retelling of Beowulf right now.

      1. Liz in a Library*

        Myths & Legends is wonderful! The retellings have the perfect amount of humor, but are also entirely on topic.

        Their new podcast, Fictional, retells published fiction (they are doing Dante right now), and is also great!

    7. LizB*

      I just went through and subscribed to a bunch of new podcasts I want to try out, and I’ve found some I really like! Current faves:
      Ear Hustle – written and produced by people incarcerated at San Quentin, talking about what life is like for them
      Criminal – reporting-style rather than discussion-style (only one host), little one-shots on a ton of different true crime topics ranging from historical to present-day
      Lingthusiasm – linguistics, featuring one of my fave linguistics bloggers
      No Such Thing as a Fish – trivia and silly discussions by the writers of the British panel show QI
      My Dad Wrote a Porno – terrible erotica with hilarious commentary; dangerous to listen to while driving because of laughter

      Also some big ones like Radiolab, Radio Ambulante, Invisibilia, and Reply All, but I find my enjoyment of those varies depending on the episode topic. I’ve learned that I do best with podcasts that are about half an hour long; if something goes more than about 40 minutes, I totally lose interest and want to switch away.

    8. Maya Elena*

      Dan Carlin’s history ones are cool. I listened to ones on Mongols, WWI, and Meunster Rebellion.

      Talk show ones husband listens to that I’ve enjoyed at least somewhat enjoyed: Joe Rogan and Sam Harris- particularly the former. You will probably want to pick and choose the topics, but he has had some very interesting people on.

    9. PX*

      Seconding the BBC recommendation, you sound like you would like a lot of Radio4 things. To kick you off – In Our Time, basically they pick a topic each week (usually some weird obscure historical thing) and then get some experts to talk about it. I actually struggle to listen to them because I need to focus so hard I cant multi-task, which means I rarely have time for them, but they are quite interesting!

    10. MommaCat*

      If you like history podcasts, try The History Files. It’s a husband and wife team discussing different parts of history, and Nancy does a good job of keeping Gordon on topic. Sometimes their media section in the beginning gets a little long, but get past that and into the main subject and it gets pretty interesting.

  33. cornflower blue*

    For two years, Mr. Blue and I have been kicking around the idea of a vacation after I graduate this December. I’ve been tied to home and a nose-to-the-grindstone schedule for several years, balancing FT work and school.

    He desperately wanted to see the Everglades, since he missed out on a chance to do research there during grad school. I desperately wanted to go to St. John, since I missed out on a group trip there and kept hearing how amazing it was.

    Obviously neither of those is an option right now. Can anyone recommend a good destination for people who prefer nature, hiking, and landscape photography rather than city life, museums, and resorts? I’d prefer to stay within/around North America.

    1. biblioll*

      Try the Southwest! The Grand Canyon, Zion National Park, and Bryce Canyon are all relatively close together in AZ/UT so depending on how long your trip is & how long you want to spend at each park, you could feasibly see all three. There’s a stunning range of landscapes between the parks, Utah is beautiful to drive through, and the hiking is great.

    2. annon*

      Honestly, I’d figure out what kind of climate/landscape you’re interested in, then check out the national parks and see what looks good.

    3. CAA*

      Are you looking for warm places? That might be tough in North America this year, between hurricane damage and travel advisories in eastern Mexico. If you’re willing to go further south, then Costa Rica and Panama are both amazing. Also, there’s always the big island in Hawaii (or really any of the islands if you get away from the resorts).

      If you don’t mind the cold, then consider Flagstaff, Grand Canyon, and the state and national parks in California, Nevada, Utah.

        1. Natalie*

          I also honeymooned in Costa Rica and also loved it. Depending on where you’re flying from it might not even be that much farther than somewhere in N America.

    5. Kathenus*

      If you don’t mind cooler, wetter weather – the San Juan Islands in Puget Sound and Olympic National Park in WA might be a great choice.

    6. Lady Jay*

      I love Colorado. Get past the Front Range & out into the western mountains. San Juan range (around Lake City) is particularly gorgeous. You can hike a 14er! (A 14er is one of Colorado’s 58 highest peaks, all above 14,000 feet above sea level. With the exception of California, these are America’s highest mountains. Many are manageable for people who are in good shape. I’ve done 10 and am addicted.)

      1. Lady Jay*

        Oops. I just saw you were going in December. Probably not Colorado. I made the mistake of going to the Southwest in July . . . so I’d second that area for December! :)

    7. Mrs. Fenris*

      St. John is doing their best to rebuild! I don’t know what the situation will be by December, but we had prior reservations for next April and we are still going to go if it is practical.

      I vote for Zion National Park too! I adore that place.

    8. AcademiaNut*

      In December or January I’d be tempted by a desert trip. Maybe fly into L.A., rent a car, and head into the Mohave/Colorado desert for a while (Joshua Tree park is great), and work your way up to the Grand Canyon.

    10. ..Kat..*

      The Portland Oregon area is great. You have the mountains in one direction and the coast in another – both feasible for day trips. Plus you have the fun of Portland. That time of year is our rainy season (usually just soft rain, not a down pour), so we do not get much sun. If you can postpone to sometime between late spring and early fall, the weather is fantastic.

  34. Jessi*

    So this week I discovered that I live in an area where rodents chewing on your engine is a common thing…. guess how I discovered that…..

    1. fposte*

      Been there, sister. Apparently there’s a long-known love affair between the mouse and the Honda engine wire. Bah.

    2. Rebecca*

      I saw a post on Facebook from our local rails to trails group. A person parked their SUV and took off to bike ride and camp overnight, and came back to a non starting SUV. Porcupines chewed a bunch of wires and things under the hood, and left quills in the underside of the hood! How frustrating.

      1. nonegiven*

        DH took my car to work, once. Squirrels chewed the wiring. He had to rewire the car after work once he got the parts.

    3. Turtlewings*

      Years ago I lived on the U.S. Naval Base in Cuba, where “banana rats” (google them!) were a serious issue. You had to get chicken wire put under your car as soon as you arrived, or the banana rats would eat your wiring. They’d also get your garden hoses, looking for water, and if you set out food for, say, a stray cat, you had to be prepared to stand over it and guard it from banana rats while the cat ate. Most trees in inhabited areas had metal wrapped around the trunk so the banana rats couldn’t climb up and strip them of leaves. They’re really pretty adorable animals, but they sure did get into everything (and poop everywhere)!

    4. Cruciatus*

      I was at the Honda dealership last March waiting in the lobby while they worked on my car and this mechanic comes out with a bunch of dried corn and talked to the older woman in there. He asked her if she had a bird feeder near her garage. She said yes and he told her that rodents were living in her car and chewing on everything and gunking it up with the bird food from the feeder which was the problem with her car. She was just amazed (and annoyed, and slightly horrified)! I live in an area with 4 seasons and the mechanic said it was likely nice and warm in there due to the engine.

    5. Trixie*

      I heard of this in Arizona and the native “pack rats” preferred certain models which I found hilarious. Thankfully my car wasn’t tempting any of them!

    6. NMAnon*

      In some rural areas in NM, the pack rats and mice are so bad, you can’t leave your vehicle sit longer than overnight or they’ll be in your engine compartment chomping away. My husband didn’t believe me the time I told him there was a mouse in my trunk! Took forever to catch the critter. We’ve had the pack rats do some real damage to things.

  35. SusanPNW*

    Inspired by a line dance video, I went line dancing last night. It was at a local non-profit line dancing club. All ages, all shapes and sizes and abilities. It was a lot of fun, and great exercise too. I’ve been needing to move more (a lot more) and this is a fun way to do it!

    2. OhBehave*

      My hubby and I took classes as a fun thing to do when we were engaged. Every time I hear a certain song, I’m tempted to jump up and dance.

  36. Jessi*

    Also I was wondering if any one has any tips for me about achieving goals?
    I sit down at the beginning of every year and write up what i want to achieve with the next year of my life. I generally split them into a couple of categories money, health, personal life and professional life.

    We are less than 100 days out from the end of this year and while I am bang on with my money goals (yay me, good adulting) I am yet to check off any of my health or personal and professional goals.

    1. annon*

      One thing that works for me is to plan small goals by the week. It’s too easy for me to over-plan for a day, resulting in some things getting shoved aside, and once I start shoving something aside it’s easier to keep doing it. (Which is more or less what happened with my fitness goals for a good few years.) It’s too easy for me to under-plan for a month, and I somehow never found the motivation to fill the extra time with anything very useful. Breaking down big goals into small weekly ones (even if I had to first break them down into monthly ones) helped me fit things in where I could without too much getting forgotten.

      Checklists help. I literally have a checklist of the goals I do need to meet daily laminated and tacked on my wall, and I physically go and check them off, then wipe it clean before going to bed. It’s not in a tucked-away spot, it’s right over the space I use most in my home. I tried keeping a digital checklist, which I know works for a lot of people, but it was too easy for me not to check the app. If reminders help, set reminders.

      I’d also say, if you set goals at the beginning of the year, schedule regular check-ins to re-evaluate your goals. I tend to be wildly optimistic about my motivation and what I can accomplish during a year, and now I try to take a look at my goals every couple months or so and see if they are turning out to be realistic or not. Even if a single goal is, perhaps it’s not when combined with other goals, or perhaps I’m not tackling it in the best way.

      Accountability also helps, if you’ve got someone willing to remind you of your goals and who you won’t blow off. (My mother and I tried to be accountability buddies one year. It didn’t work – we’re both too used to ignoring each other.)

      Good luck! It’s tough and I find myself backsliding a lot, and I struggle with feeling like I shouldn’t have to essentially trick myself into achieving basic life goals, but if it helps, it helps.

    2. The RO-Cat*

      Perhaps you could find somenting useful in CarolineArdold’s book “Small Move, Big Change”. I found it easy to read and actionable. It’s about small, easy-to-do resolutions about one thing and one thing only (she calls them “microresolutions”) that add up quickly and the “marginal gain” that becomes important.

    3. nep*

      Well done achieving your financial goals.
      Agree with the idea of breaking a large goal down into tangible steps you can take daily, weekly — particularly for health/fitness. Small changes or gains make for a huge difference over time.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Maybe only have one goal a year and rotate through the categories each year? I would think that just doing the steps of one goal requires a lot of brain space and chews up precious free time.

  37. Sibley*

    Well, it’s officially fall. And we broke the heat record today. And yesterday. Wouldn’t be surprised about tomorrow either.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Same here. It was 91 the other day. I don’t know if it broke any records, and it’s usually somewhat hot in September here, but DAMN.
      However, I don’t think we’re going to get off light this winter like we did last year. I suspect we’re gonna get slammed.

      1. Sibley*

        I’m afraid you might be right. and I just moved to an area that is known for blizzards, large amounts of snow, and generally getting shut down by winter. I’m going to have to build up the pantry at some point, try to get stuff on sale.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I have a lot of salt left over from last year and I plan to add to it as soon as it shows up in stores. There’s a small incline at the end of my street and last year, I nearly slid into a pole there. So when it’s slick, I shuffle to the end of the block and salt that dude myself. We’re on a side street and they do not plow.

      2. Your Weird Uncle*

        I’ve heard that you can tell if winter is going to be hard if the rowan trees have a lot of berries. I haven’t seen any rowan trees in our neighbourhood, but today we walked past an evergreen that was LOADED with more berries than I have ever seen. Not sure if there’s any correlation there, but I’m willing to bet we’ll be slammed this winter here, too.

  38. Courtney*

    My parents are simultaneously driving me insane and making me just want to cry because I’m sad and concerned. My dad has been going through a lot of health issues and isn’t taking care of himself properly. Any time a doctor tells him something he doesn’t want to hear, he writes that doctor off as useless. Hates the new patio they just had done when he’s the one who picked everything out. Hates his new vehicle and says it’s not what he wanted, when again, he picked it out. It’s like he’s suddenly turning into a grouchy old man and I don’t understand.

    But my mom is making it worse. She pushes and prods him to do more for his health, but with snark, sarcasm, and eye rolls – behavior that’s unusual for her. I’m sure that’s because my dad’s attitude is wearing on her, but hers is wearing on me! She calls me every time she’s annoyed or they have a fight and just unleashes tons of stuff I should not be hearing about my father.

    I’ve encouraged her to call their old therapist, and she did and has been going there for about a month. I’ve asked her to stop dumping this stuff on me – she has close friends who are aware of the situation who would be a more appropriate outlet. I’ve told her I was just put back on Zoloft for anxiety issues. Yet she won’t stop sharing every tiny little marriage problem with me. Today when I tried to share one of my fears about my dad, she told me I’m supposed to be stressing less. I called her out on it, because she had just dumped a mountain of stress on me just before. I got a half ass apology.

    I know she’s going through a lot, but is it wrong of me to continue to put my foot down about not being the person she vents to about this stuff? It’s constant, and I’m pretty busy myself – I have two toddlers and am taking six college classes plus a practicum while my husband works 60 hours a week. I just don’t know what to do and I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted.

    1. annon*

      It is NOT wrong of you to put your foot down about this, not at all! Even if she didn’t have appropriate people to vent to – and between her therapist and her friend circle, she sounds like she does – it’s not wrong of you to have your own boundaries!

      This is going to be hard, but I would seriously recommend setting a hard line with her, and enforcing it. So when she calls and starts going on again, tell her firmly and directly to stop or you will hang up, and then change the topic to something else. Hang up if/when she tries to talk about the forbidden topics. Keep hanging up whenever she does it again. Tell her you’re happy to talk about other things. (Honestly, it’d probably do her a lot of good to talk about stuff other than your dad’s health issues and their marriage issues.) Remind her that she has those other people to talk to, but you don’t want to hear it.

      But also, be there for her in other ways, if you can. You can’t stand to hear this stuff, understandably, but you want to be supportive – if this is the only kind of contact you’re having with her cutting off her talk about your dad might seem like you’ve suddenly stopped caring. I’d find a different way to let her know you care, and what form that takes is going to depend on all sorts of things. Maybe she’d respond well to thoughtful spontaneous letters. (My best friend is like that.) If you live close enough and have the time/inclination, maybe you could do something with her once a month, say, to get her out of the house and doing something stress-relieving (a movie? lunch?). If you have this kind of relationship and are physically close enough, maybe invite her over to watch/play with/spoil her grandkids. Or something in that vein, something that lets her know that you do love her and understand she’s dealing with a lot, and that not being the person she can vent to doesn’t mean you don’t care.

      1. Courtney*

        Thank you! Yes, it’s finding the line between supportive but still having boundaries that I’m having trouble with. Last month I completely lost it and had an awful yelling/crying moment about how I can’t be this person for her. And then I felt guilty and was too slow to call her on it when she started doing it again. But you’re right, I need to start being more firm. We live very close to each other, like a ten minute drive, we just both have super busy schedules. I do try to make time to get together with her, but it seems that the stuff with my dad is all that she thinks about and therefore all she wants to talk about. I know boundaries are healthy, I guess I just have a mental block where I feel guilty telling her she can’t talk to me about her problems when she’s helped me out with so many of my own. Yeah, I know, she’s the parent. I just feel badly that they’re having such a tough time. I really don’t think that constantly rehashing it is helping though – quite the opposite. So I guess that will make it easier to not keep having these conversations.

        My dad is ironically much easier to handle – just seeing the kids makes him very happy, and he’s a bit more willing to listen to me since I don’t bring the issues up often and am more gentle about it.

        1. annon*

          If you want to get together with her, but she won’t talk about other stuff, is it possible to get together for a shared activity that either minimizes talking or invites conversation about something else? Movies are the obvious choice here, but there might be other things available that would fit your schedules.

          I wonder, when she does start talking about this stuff to you, if she’d take it well if you turned the conversation around to how she’s taking care of herself and whether she’s getting enough support. (My mother would take it well; my father wouldn’t.) Don’t do this if this also stresses you out, though. I’m thinking something like, “I don’t want to talk about the problems with Dad. Let’s talk about you. Have you seen Supportive Friend this week?”

    2. annon*

      I also meant to say – that’s a tough situation to deal with. My grandfather’s one of those ornery patients who acts exactly like your father, and it’s ridiculously hard to get him to do even basic things like put in his hearing aids, or recharge their batteries, or take meds. He’s deeply skeptical of doctors and fiercely independent, and I think he really deeply hates the notion that he’s not able to do exactly what he wants, exactly how he did it when he was twenty. The one saving grace for us is that he also has decided he really likes the idea of staying in an assisted-living facility, so he’s chosen and moved into a nice one … except now we hear constant complaints about every little thing they do that annoys him. (None of it’s major stuff – it’s stuff like people not wanting to play basketball at 5am – and we visit at least weekly, so we haven’t just dumped him off and abandoned him. Heck, prior to this he was living quite a ways away, and so we see him more now than we did before!)

      It is deeply frustrating and stressful, and I am so sorry you and your mother have to deal with that. I hope she finds people she can vent to and ways to help her cope, I hope your father gets better (or less cranky!), and I hope that you stop getting dumped on.

      1. Courtney*

        I think you hit the nail on the head with him being upset about not being able to do what he wants and having it be like he’s twenty still. He’s admitted that a big part of his feelings about the doctor are because he just hates feeling like he’s turning into an old man with a bunch of pills to take. (And shots, since his diabetes has worsened.)

        It’s particularly frustrating because he’s been on the other side of this many times – he manages a pharmacy! And from what I’ve seen and heard, he’s completely with it at work and always acts perfectly cheery and fine when I visit him there.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Maybe you and your mom could start telling him, “Hey pretend you are at work and treat us with the same cherry demeanor you give your cohorts and customers.”
          I’d call him on it, because it starts out that they can stop doing this and chose not to, then after a bit they actually can’t stop. “Don’t make this attitude a life habit,, dad, it will not serve you well.”

        2. neverjaunty*

          It is never appropriate for your mother to use you as a counselor for her marital conflicts. Full stop.

    3. Anono-me*

      Moving anywhere is a big change and moving to assisted living also can have complicate emotions about aging, independent, and getting closer to death, this could be impacting both of your parents.

      Some assisted living facilities offer transition support.

      No matter what, you have to take care of yourself, for many reasons including that you can’t help anyone else if you collapse. I.e. Put your own Oxygen mask on first.

  39. nep*

    Anyone go to reggae soundsystem? I’d love to hear of people’s experience with it. Are there such events regularly near where you live? Do a lot of people come out for it?

  40. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Okay, I need some DIY advice. I have a large bathroom mirror attached directly to the wall that rests in a metal channel on the bottom, sort of like this.

    The metal channel is gold and I need to paint it silver. Removing it from the wall isn’t an option, so I need to do it while it’s attached. If I could remove it, I’d take it outside and spray paint it, but since it’s inside, and large, I’m going to use brush paint.

    I have no idea how to do this sort of thing. So far I’ve gathered that I need to:
    – sand it to rough it up so that paint will adhere better (do I really need to do this if I’m using a primer?)
    – clean it off with water or alcohol
    – use a metal primer like this one: http://amzn.to/2xwJsrt
    – paint it with a metallic paint like this one: http://amzn.to/2xq7xi3

    People who know how to do this sort of thing, does that sound right? Are there steps I’m missing, or advice on how to make this turn out right?

    1. Anono-me*

      I do think that especially in the bathroom you still want to make the extra effort and sand a bit.

      We are lazy. The old trim got pitched and a new frame made of molding was glued on with liquid nail type adhesive.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I actually originally bought a new stick-on frame from mirrormate.com (which has worked well with past mirrors) but it didn’t look right. So painting is my last resort.

    2. annon*

      Not an expert, but I did some DIY stuff around my house. Sanding really does help it stick. I’m not sure it’s strictly necessary, but it’s not really that much sanding – you’re just roughening it up a bit.

      If you can’t take it off the wall, remember to put something like painter’s tape over the mirror, walls, etc. unless you fancy some odd decor. I’m sure that’s obvious but reminders don’t hurt.

      The primer may not actually be necessary. A lot depends on what kind of paint you’re using – some don’t need primers – and how bright you want the new color (or whether you’re worried about the old color peeking through). I skip primers a lot but I also don’t care about new colors being bright and pure.

      You probably want to clean it with alcohol or something else that will remove oil – if you’re using certain kinds of paint, the oils (say, from fingerprints) will resist the paint.

      I’d probably do either a coat of primer and 1-2 of paint, or at least two coats of paint, not just for coverage but to minimize the visible brushstrokes. Maybe this is an annon-is-inept thing, but I tend to find that the brushstrokes on the first coat are really obvious, but a second one hides them.

      If you have tough corners to get into, or other weird spots, take a sponge, load it with paint, and use that. Sometimes you just can’t get a brush where it needs to go. If it’s not pretty well laden with paint it’ll leave spongeprints, though.

      I don’t know that any of this helps.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I love painter’s tape, it’s worth the little bit of effort to put it on.

        Wanted to add: Sanding does not need to be a big time consuming task. Get sandpaper for metals. Sand on it long enough to make the top layer look dull. If there are any pimples or pock marks now is the time to smooth them out.
        The only side you will see is what is facing you. So do the back parts first as you do each step. This will allow you to get a feel for how each step will go.
        Sand in the same direction for the whole piece, so sand left to right OR top to bottom all the way across. It looks like going left to right (or right to left if you prefer) is going to be what is needed.
        The last time I bought the paint in your first link here I was not happy with it. It ran like water. When you go to get the paint (go to a reputable place with people who can actually tell you about the product) ask what their best metal paint for bathrooms is.

        If I am going to let the paint dry and apply a second coat later, I wrap my brush in plastic wrap, the kind we use on food. Make sure it is well wrapped with no tiny openings to the air. This will save you from washing the brush and then dealing with a brush that did not dry when you go to put that second coat on. You can clean the brush when you are done or if you bought cheap dollar store brushes you can throw it away.

        1. Windchime*

          Rub n Buff. I wrote another post with a link in it. You can buy it at Michael’s or online from Amazon.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            This might be brilliant too! Between these two ideas, surely I can avoid painting. I’m going to try the Rub n Buff first, and if that doesn’t work, I’m going to do the contact paper.

            I am bringing all of my problems to this group from now on, as apparently as you will solve them.

    4. Anon anon anon*

      I would put a clear coat over it once its painted. Since it’s in the bathroom, look for a water-resistant varnish.

      Also, I think spray paint would be fine for the primer, paint, and sealer. Just cover the walls around it using painter’s tape and paper.

    6. Kerr*

      I’ve heard good things about Rustoleum metallic paints. Not sure I’d recommend the Rub ‘n Buff, but if you do, cover it with a clear sealant. It’s wax-based and might not play nice with humidity. You also have to buff it like crazy. (Slapping some paint on is SO much easier.) I used it on drawer handles, and find that it occasionally rubs off on my hands.

  42. Red*

    Going to get a tattoo tomorrow! It’ll be my third, and I chose the function describing exponential growth. I saw it on my foot in a dream and it was perfect, and I’m going for it.

      1. nep*

        (Griffith?) Watching TV is never my go-to for relaxing. Just had a great workout and yoga session — love that on the weekends I can spend more time in my workouts.

  44. Dan*

    Are there any fluent German speakers here who are willing to explain some vulgar slang translations? I’m genuinely curious about something that I’m not fluent enough to understand, nor am I exactly sure what to google.

    1. Anonymous for this*

      I don’t speak German. My grandparents did, but didn’t teach their children and grandchildren. (Something to do with World War II.)

      That said, I do have memories of them both saying, “hunds fahts” and “hingle sheiss” when they were angry.

      1. Dan*

        Thanks. So I’ve been in Munich for the last few days attending Oktoberfest. Some of the games on the midway involve shooting BB guns or something at small targets for prizes.

        These games have different names, all beginning with “scheiss”. One in particular is called the “scheissbude.” I found that amusing, because I grew up learning that “sheiss” was a German translation for “shit.” So I opened up my translator app, wondering what I was missing, and it seems to flip flop between “shit shack” and “shooting gallery”, depending on whether you want to spell it with the Esszet or not.

        I guess my first question is whether “scheissbude” has a double meaning, or if my understanding/app is off. Second, I thought while the Esszet and double s are pronounced the same, there is only one correct spelling, and that changing them doesn’t alter the word.

        If you could enlighten me, I’d appreciate it.

        1. The German Chick*

          Was it Schießbude (shooting gallery) or Scheissbude (shit house)? These are pronounced quite differently.

        2. S*

          I think you must have misread the booth’s name. They are called “Schießbude”, which means “shooting booth”.

          You’d be correct otherwise – “Scheiß” does indeed mean “shit”, and you can put it in front of other nouns to turn them into an insult (e.g. “Scheißkerl”, meaning something like “bastard”).

        3. Julia*

          The ß and double s are pronounced the, and in Switzerland they don’t even have tbe ß.

          That said, it was probably Schießbude or, if in capital letters, Schiessbude (the capital ß is apparently really new), like S daid below.

          I’ve never been to the Oktoberfest, but I can’t imagine them using the word ‘Scheißbude’. If anything, Scheißhaus, but even that seems too crude.

  45. Moosie*

    Does any one have any hot tips for rugs when you both have pets that like to ruin them and are really short on money?

    I have a dog who will, at some point or another, get some kind of bio mess on this rug so it either needs to be cheap enough that I won’t care if I can’t get the stain out or something that can be cleaned without being sent to a professional for $$$. I tried finding indoor outdoor ones that can be hosed out, but the only ones I could ever find were those woven plastic kind that are not good on bare feet at all. Now I’m in a new place and really need a light color (looking for an off white or pale grey) which Ikea doesn’t have at the moment, so I’m not sure if there’s somewhere else I should look or if I should just get an uglier one and deal with it.

    I need a rug to dampen sound and to be kinder on my feet and ankles in my living room, which is hardwood. I have arthritis and I like the hard floors generally but anywhere I stand a lot, I like to have something to soften the impact a little. But I’m really short on cash at the moment and I’m trying to find a real cheapie (hence Ikea). I went to a discount store the other day and they all felt weird and gross like a cheap wig, so now I’m afraid to buy something off Wayfair or Overstock :/

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. Tag sales, check for ads in your paper or online.

        We have a rug outlet here. And once a year they have a $99 sale on certain ones they want to get rid of. I found out that the cost of delivery was a flat rate so I bought two rugs. I got a shag (yeah, I know but $99!) and for the living room I got a commercial carpet. I could not find a 13 x 15 for this price anywhere.
        The one mistake I made was not getting a pad under it. I think because there is no pad under it my dog’s nails are ripping up the carpet.

        If you cannot find a rug outlet, see if you can find a building supply place that has a clearance center. You might find a deal there. It’s good to know where these places are anyway. When something else comes up you will know where to go.

    2. HannahS*

      The homeware section at Winners has some pretty nice stuff at decent prices. I’m not sure that I saw many larger rugs there. Ikea has those flat woven cotton rugs. They’re small or runner-sized, and since they’re cotton, can be thrown in a washing machine/dryer. It’s not a perfect solution if you want an area rug, though.

    3. fposte*

      Carpet places and big box stores like Home Depot often have remnants for cheap; I got a couple of very nice rugs that way in grad school (using the term “rug” loosely). Since it’s often remnants from business work they’re not teensy–both of mine were at least 8×10–though they may have smaller stuff too.

      1. Moosie*

        Woah I had no idea you could do that, that is such a great idea.

        Although some of the rooms in this new place are carpeted and I had to have my windows open and all the fans going in 90+ heat for days now to try to get that new carpet off gassing out. Egads. Anything I get will be hanging on the balcony for a while for sure.

    4. Portia*

      Both our rugs are from Walmart and I really like them! They’re pretty, hold up well and are easy to spot-clean (we also have a puppy who is not yet potty trained). But maybe you’re more sensitive to texture; if the discount ones felt weird and gross, these might too.

      1. Moosie*

        Good to know!

        I’ve only ever had cheap rugs before and I’ve never encountered this texture before, it’s literally like a Halloween wig. It’s making me wary of getting a cheapie off, say, Wayfair, where I can’t touch it before I buy it. If I can see it in person first (like from Walmart) that would be fine.

    5. Lore*

      I’ve had good luck ordering rugs from Target when they have sales. My current living room area rug cost $49. It’s poor quality but the cat rips it up anyway so totally good for these purposes.

      1. Moosie*

        Thank you! I’ve always been nervous of Overstock and Wayfair, I’ve heard their returns are atrocious. But if you can sort of screen by reviews, that’s helpful.

    7. blackcat*

      I got a few large pieces of scrap carpeting from home depot a while back for the same reasons. It wasn’t like nice, fancy rugs or anything, just plain, mid-range carpet. With the caveat that it was almost 10 years ago, I only remember spending about $10 for a 7’x7′ and $15 for an 8′ x 10′ piece. I sewed on edging myself (also bought super cheap), which was easy (I did it by machine, but hand would be possible, too).

      All things included, it was under $50 for big-ish rugs for 2 rooms.

    8. Dead Quote Olympics*

      I don’t know if this option would be a little too too expensive, but what about making your own area rug with Flor rug tiles? They have a sale section, and you can design your own rug, and most of the styles allow you to pop them up and wash them. They are generally high quality — I don’t have them (yet) but I know other people who have been pleased. You could even start with a small area rug and add tiles as you get money. https://www.flor.com/sale/price/0-19.99

      1. Moosie*

        BLESS YOU, I have been trying to remember the name of this brand for like two weeks. I kept thinking carpet tiles would be great but couldn’t find / remember who it was that makes carpet tiles meant for consumers decorating and not corporate offices or something doing a whole floor. It is more expensive, but the ability to not have to scrap the whole thing when some animal inevitably barfs on it makes up for it.

    9. ..Kat..*

      Smaller rugs that are machine washable and fit in your washing machine. Otherwise, you will spend a fortune at the cleaners.

  46. Elizabeth West*

    I’ve been trying to eat healthier (with occasional lapses, haha) and not spend too much money. Plus, I accelerated my walk from one lap around the neighborhood to two, as one was getting too easy. But I’m going to have to do some food overhaul because I have plateaued a little on weight loss. More intensive strength training will have to wait until I can afford someone to help me do it correctly, without hurting the shoulder with rotator cuff issues. I’m not interested in lifting huge barbells, only in getting lean and strong. I’ve been getting up and going for my walk BEFORE I eat breakfast, but I think I need to actually do it the second I get up instead of waiting until I’ve had coffee, because then I end up putting off breakfast too long. That pushes lunch and dinner out too late in the day.

    This week, I bought a huge thing of mixed greens. Salad with every meal. Half the amount of stuff like crackers (which I should not really be eating anyway) with soup or chili. I have not bought any tomatoes this summer, except for the little tiny golden ones. My plants have been producing well, even though they look like crap and I had to rescue one from a tomato worm that ate half of it. Blechh! I froze some so I could have a nice summery soup in the winter. :D I’ve had fried green tomatoes now and then also. So good! I’m trying to cut out processed food, especially meat, and I love Polish sausage, so that’s been hard. Gave up bacon. Also hard. I like fish a lot. Eating more eggs, especially in the morning.

    I don’t like cooking for myself, and that makes it hard not to eat some weird cupboard conglomeration just to fill up when I’m hungry. I have a very basic George Foreman grill, which makes things easy and delicious; I just hate cooking solely for me. :P If it takes longer to prepare than eat, I can’t be bothered sometimes!

    1. HannahS*

      Good for you on exercising in the morning! I’m trying to drag myself (kicking and screaming) into being a morning person who does an exercise routing (fitness blender on youtube is my jam) and has a hearty breakfast, packs her lunch, and does her dishes before heading out. Real me is having a hard time making that happen; I’m one for fourteen in the last two weeks.

      Breakfasts are part of the problem–I’m used to a fairly leisurely breakfast and need to cut it shorter, but breakfast and lunch are my big meals; I usually just have a bowl of cereal for dinner. I had a pinterest-fail with baked hashbrown/egg cups last week. It was Buzzfeed’s recipe and they were AWFUL! Spongy eggs and soggy potatoes. This week, it’s going to be banana/oatmeal things (literally just banana and rolled oats, baked), tea, and fruit smoothies for breakfast.

    2. SophieChotek*

      I like my George Foreman grill too – faster too than a stove/oven I think! (Still kind of a pain to clean).

      I wish we lived closer – we could do this together. I also found I have to get up and walk before I eat – else I just get lazy and never do it later. I also would like to do some of the weight training stuff you are talking about. (But also want to be properly trained, etc., so that I have balanced workout.)

      And need to eat healthier and am (trying) to cut out a lot of processed food (still have salami I refuse to throw away…I spent money on it, but I won’t buy anymore) and cut way back on sugar (oh so hard!)…Yeah I heard you about the “weird cupboard congolomeration” when one is hungry…I’ve been there done that!

      Best of luck! and Great Job so far!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I have some dumbbells (cheap at Walmart) and I’ve been doing some stuff myself; I want to escalate it. But I have to be super careful because of my shoulder. So whoever I pick as a trainer must have some awareness of that and hopefully the training to deal with it.

    3. Sibley*

      Yay on working to be healthier! Keep it up. :)

      Re cooking – I also don’t like cooking much. It seems to help (or least I get it over with) if I make multiple things, then eat that over the week (or freeze some for later). That may also help you save money, as you can shop around sales, etc.

    4. Merci Dee*

      I had a small George Foreman grill that I loved, but it got trashed in the move. So a new one (slightly larger) is going to be my sole request for Christmas.

    5. blackcat*

      Thought on coffee/weights: put it in a good travel mug and bring it with you! And, for balance, use a wrist weight (1lb or so) or similar on the arm that you don’t use to hold the coffee. It’ll be light enough exercise that you shouldn’t risk your shoulder, but just enough that it’ll help tone muscle in your arms.

      This will be easier if your coffee maker can be set up at night (even my super cheap one can do this, so I assume most can these days).

    6. ..Kat..*

      Make stews and soups. Freeze in single serving portions. The satisfaction of pulling something homemade out of the freezer that is yummy and healthy is wonderful. Just remember to label each portion – what it is and when you made it.

  47. StudentA*

    Has anyone had any teeth whitening system make a dramatic difference for them? Everything I’ve tried has been almost useless, including professional whitening at the dentist.

    1. cornflower blue*

      I had professional bleaching done twice to fix damage done by medication I took as a child, and it didn’t work. I was told that it only works on surface stains caused by behavior (wine, coffee, cigarettes) and the only thing that would help me was veneers. I am not willing to do that.

      1. fposte*

        Yeah, I had tetracycline staining and ended up with veneers. It’s actually worked out okay for me, but I wouldn’t insist anybody had to do it.

    3. Gingerbread*

      I had Zoom Whitening done at the dentist office which was useless for me, however I use Crest Whitestrips every 6 months which definitely help. I also use the Crest 3D White toothpaste daily.

    1. Red*

      Best: THE MEDS ARE FINALLY WORKING!!!!! It’s so nice to feel happiness again.

      Worst: Work stress. At least I get away with my bright red hair and visible tattoo, which is Definitely Not Allowed, so that makes the job better.

    2. HannahS*

      Best: Had a meeting with the disability accommodation office in medical school. They are 100% excited and willing and able to help me succeed, and there’s apparently loads and loads they can do to get me through clerkship in good health. People should know this! The bar for reasonable accommodation is HIGH. And I’m so glad it looks like it won’t be a battle.

      Worst: A friend has cancer. Not a “good” kind, although I don’t know all the details yet. I cried through Rosh Hashanah services. We’ve been friends a long time but never one-on-one (due to some awkward break-ups within the circle of mutual friends). I don’t really know what other support he has. I’m trying not to dump overbearing expressions of support and demands for information, so for now I’ve offered sympathy, asked him how he’s feeling, and told him that I’ll give him a heads up whenever I’m in town (about once a month) to hang out. Once I see him I feel like I’ll have a better sense of who else is involved in supporting him emotionally, and can go from there.

        1. HannahS*

          Thanks! I’m lucky to have a really loving family, and I’m just not sure if he’s in the same situation.

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            It’s thoughtful of you to consider this. As someone without parents and stuff, often the things I’ve struggled with in tough times are really simple things other people don’t think twice about – like lifts to appointments or someone to help with laundry. I have a lovely partner and friends but sometimes it’s really hard to ask for help with stuff others might call on family for. So practical help can be a huge deal.

      2. Mimmy*

        SO happy the disability accommodations office are willing to help you! Please keep us posted – I will be rooting for you!

          1. HannahS*

            Thanks! Yeah, it’s really incredible how much they’re willing/able/legally forced to do. I’m lucky to have a doctor in the family who keeps me posted on these things, but there are doctors across Canada who’ve received accommodations for learning disabilities, chronic illnesses (my case), paraplegia, mental illnesses, even more than one Deaf doctor whose medical schools and residency programs were court-mandated to pay for full-time interpreters. So I knew going in that they can/have to accommodate the fact that I have to avoid prolonged gripping, standing, and can’t do overnight call, but it’s great that they’re being so nice about it.

    3. Becca*

      Best: Rosh Hashana dinner! I made a salad for Rosh Hashana dinner—15 people!—and everyone loved it! Thank God for small miracles. And the banana bread someone else made was AMAZING. Moist and delicious :D

      Worst: My favorite band is in town, but on the way to getting dropped off at the bus, my new dress ripped up the back so I had to come home. And because it’s a capped admissions dance during a popular workshop weekend, it wasn’t worth it to do the 1-hour public transit trek to get there once I got home. A ruined dress and a wasted effort on my hair T.T

        1. Becca*

          It was a caramelized green plumcot (pluot??? plum-apricot hybrid, anyway) & spinach salad. It’s nice because it’s 6 ingredients for the mixings and 6 ingredients for the dressing. Simple! If you click the link of my name, it’s the first recipe on that list.

          Can you tell I thoroughly dislike most salad vegetables???

    4. Christy*

      Best: reuniting with my wife after spending the second week in a row away (had been home for one night in between)

      Second best: watching my friends get married and how happy they were and how they didn’t seem to miss one bride’s family’s presence and how welcoming the other bride’s family is to the first bride.

      Worst: when I inadvertently made an old man stand up on a plane so I could sit next to him. I felt so bad about it but it was too late for me to not have him move anymore.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      Worse: my estranged mother has done something that has effectively cut the last very tenuous tie we still had. I suspect this is why my mental health has gone to pieces a bit this week.

      Best: I went to a Guardian masterclass yesterday – these are adult education workshops held at the Guardian newspaper offices. You get to eat in the canteen and pick up free copies of the paper. I had actually been there some years ago as I sometimes did freelance production (that’s like copyediting and layout) shifts in my previous career but I never had time to really look round the place or enjoy the facilities and it was cool to come back years later for fun instead of work. They have a pick and mix station and a toast station in the canteen, a table football table (how techbro?) and what I think was an old printing press. I bought the ticket as a treat to myself for quitting smoking, using some of the money I hadn’t spent on it.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I meant to say they arrange food for you but you get to sit in the staff canteen and see what it’s like.

      2. nep*

        Wow — just being at the Guardian offices would be great. How cool. Great gift to yourself. And continued congratulations on staying strong.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Thank you! And yep it was great. I did fangirl over it all even though I’d been there before as it just felt so different to come back for fun.

          Going to save up to book another one now!

      3. Ruffingit*

        I’ve been there with the estranged mother who did something to sever the last tie. It’s hard. You have my sympathy. HUGS if you want them.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          I don’t think you’ll see this now, but I’m so sorry you can relate. Thank you – hugs right back atcha.

    6. Mimmy*

      BEST: We are preparing to have some major house remodeling – primarily the kitchen but also the hallway and living room. Nervous but super excited for the changes.

      WORST: After a couple of easy weeks at work, my schedule is jam-packed this coming week, which includes meeting THREE new students!! Hellooooo performance anxiety!!

    7. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Ran a 5k this morning. It was rough, but ran the whole thing.

      WORST: Really tired of work stuff. Need to make some changes.

  49. Loopy*

    Ah it’s a two question week for me.

    As I get older and my style changes I find more and more of the clothes I prefer end up being dry clean only. I’ve done the Dryel at home thing for a while but now I’ve even got some pieces I think might be worth *real* dry cleaning by a professional.

    But I have no idea what to expect for prices/what’s reasonable. Does it vary by type of material? Also, how often should I be dry cleaning, after each use? After 2-3 uses? I don’t sweat much. Does that make a difference?

    1. Anon anon anon*

      It does vary, but it’s usually pretty affordable. Shop around and find a good dry cleaner. One that doesn’t charge a lot, is open on weekends, and has a tailor. You’d be surprised how many are only open during weekday business hours. And the tailoring thing, omg, it makes such a big difference, and it’s not expensive. Especially compared to replacing clothes when they don’t quite fit.

    2. HannahS*

      Usually dry-cleaning depends more on the type of garment and which gender it’s made for. A woman’s sweater should cost the same to dry clean whether it’s cotton, silk, or wool. A man’s shirt will cost less, a trench coat will cost more, and a down jacket even more. As for how often…I mean, no one will know but you, right? So take them in when they don’t seem fresh anyone.

      It’s worth nothing, though, that a lot of things that are marked dry-clean only can be washed on the delicate cycle in cold water in a washing machine and hung/laid flat to dry. I always put rayon/viscose/modal (all varieties of the same plant fibre) in the wash, although it does risk shrinkage, even in cold water on delicate. I wash wool sweaters by hand honestly about once per season in cold water with a bit of baby shampoo in my sink. Swish, rinse, dry by pressing between towels and then laying flat. I’d do the same for dress pants or a dress. Silk and leather are a little more iffy because they can get ruined by water-marks, although if it’s just leather details I’d put it through the wash.

    3. Pat Benetardis*

      Also beware that organic dry cleaners are much more expensive. I wa really shocked when I went to my local neighborhood cleaners at how expensive they were because there was nothing outside advertising their organic nature.

  50. Fake old Converse shoes*

    Binge-watching Wallander UK with my dad. I have to restrain myself every time Golden Retriver Tom Hiddleston appears. As a fan of the Swedish versions, he’s more or less the only thing that makes the entire series watchable.

  51. Karyn*

    Oh my God, you guys. I went with my little sister to look at gowns for her wedding next year. I don’t know the hell gave her permission to grow up and look so stunning but I’m going to find them and hit them in the face with a brick. I helped her put on ten different dresses and I almost started crying between every single one. I didn’t think I’d be so emotional, but it was so wonderful seeing her so happy. She ended up picking a beautiful white strapless dress with all sorts of pretty sparkly embellishments (the opposite of what she went in thinking she’d get) and I am just so stinkin’ happy for her that I had to share.

      1. Karyn*

        I couldn’t be happier about this marriage. She’s been with her fiancee since they were in high school, and now they’re 26 years old, with a house and cats and a dog. When he finally asked her, all of us were like WELL FINALLY. She’s been the most low-key bride so far, and I was so happy to do this with her. Her MOH hasn’t ever helped plan a wedding (she hasn’t even been IN a wedding) and so I’ve been doing a lot of the behind-the-scenes stuff, but I don’t mind at all. I work at a high-end makeup store on the side, and my gift to her is going to be paying for all the bridesmaids and her to get our makeup done the day of the wedding, because I want her entire day to be as relaxing as it can be.

        The only thing that’s irritating me has nothing to do with her, and it’s that no less than five people (some family, some vendors) have asked me if I’m sad that I’m divorced while my younger sister is getting married. I’m tempted to quote that 27 Dresses line at them – “Yes… but then I remember I get to have hot hate sex with random strangers and then I feel MUCH better.”

        3. Elizabeth West*

          Ha!
          My younger sister got married not long after FarmBoy Ex and I started dating. I might have been jealous if I were single at the time, but her husband is super awesome. I’m really glad we have him in the family.

    2. Mimmy*

      You just made me wish that I had a younger sister that I could experience this kind of joy with (I’m the youngest of 4). My consolation is that I have 5 nieces, so hopefully I’ll have a chance in about 10-15 years. (I get emotional now just watching them, plus my 4 nephews, grow up.)

  52. Anon anon anon*

    I rent a house. I’ve heard from neighbors and previous tenants that the landlord has a history of asking people if they’d like to buy the house. She hasn’t asked me yet, but I’m interested. So I’m thinking of making an offer once I’m in a position to do so. But I’d like to get it appraised first. Is that legal? Can you have a property appraised if you’re renting it?

    2. Mrs. Fenris*

      Fenris is a residential appraiser and he says you can. Keep in mind that you will probably not be able to use that appraisal for the sale itself. The bank will want to pay its own appraisal. They introduced a bunch of new rules in the wake of the housing bubble, to decrease the chances of any funny business between the homeowner and the bank.

    3. Anono-me*

      If you just want to know about how much the house is worth, as a starting point in your thinking; you may not need to pay for an expensive full appraisal.

      The tax value of property is normally a matter of public record and in my experience usually is 10-20% below fair market. (It is almost never higher, as homeowners usually dispute values that cause tax bills to be too high.)

      If you know a real estate professional, they may be willing to give you a prety accurate fair market value on the house. (For a fee or for signing a contract to have that person represent you if you purchase the house.*)

      *Real estate be so complicated and expensive, I personaly think it is something to always have expert help with that is on your team. Also many real estate professionals will charge less if they only represent you at the sale without having to do the housing search.

      1. Anon anon anon*

        Thank you. The reason for the appraisal would be that the house isn’t in the best shape. I’m guessing the tax value is based on things that would be part of the public record – acreage, location, year built, any construction or major improvements, etc. This house has a ton of minor issues. I think it might be on the verge of, “Tear it down and rebuild.” On the other hand, property values are rising and it’s in a good location. I would basically need some leverage in saying, “Yes, a similar house sold for xyz, but this one needs new ceilings and electrical wiring so it’s only worth xyz.”

        I think it’s a nice house. It’s historic. I’d like to live in it and give it all the repairs it needs. That would be easier as an owner than a renter (and a better choice financially).

        1. acmx*

          The appraisals I have had done cost $3-400. Inspection also another that. You will probably want both. I don’t know if the appraisal takes into account what’s found in the inspection, it’s been too long.

  53. RL*

    Has anyone used lenses for your smartphone? I’d like to take improved pictures that would require less editing. I want to get better landscape photos and close-ups and I’m getting interested in abstract photography.
    My smartphone is an iphone 4s which I’ve thought about upgrading to something with a better camera, but would it really be better? Or would getting a cheaper smartphone and going for an SLR be a better use of money? (A DSLR is way out of budget for my amount of interest at the moment, and looks far too clunky to use).
    Thoughts?

    1. Annie Mouse*

      What about a digital bridge camera? I got one a few years ago and it was far cheaper than a DSLR (and possibly a SLR as well) and, to my amateur eyes, there isn’t much difference in quality compared to my Dad’s DSLR photos.

    2. Sandy*

      I ordered som via our national airline’s duty free a few years ago. They were not cheap, but given how many photos I took, I thought it would be worth it.

      NOPE. Total bust.

      1. RL*

        Hmm, yeah, I thought I’d ask because seems kinda gimmicky and I wasn’t able to find examples someone actually using multiple lenses and comparing them.

    4. Safely Retired*

      You can only take pictures if you have a camera with you. Your smartphone is the camera you will always have with you, so it should have the best camera you can afford. I used to have an iPhone 4S, replaced with a 6S, and I find the image quality amazing. But even if you don’t upgrade, learn to use the camera. There are controls for focus and handling problems like bad lighting; learn to use them.
      One feature I love on the 6S is taking panoramas. Holding it in portrait mode, starting the panorama, and then scanning horizontally 180 degrees. The result can look funky, but I have had wonderful pictures from along a country road with hay fields, in a large living room at a party, on a boat, and even at a back-yard party.
      I also use the camera for a host of odd things. Recording prices in stores. Recording the labels on every piece of electronics or appliances so I never have to pull them out again to read the serial number, and pictures of all the connections. Pictures of shopping lists, of error messages on the computer, of interesting bugs, of taking something apart so I can put it back together, of things I can’t see but I can reach with the phone (sometimes in selfie mode). To say nothing of using selfie mode as a mirror, or to look over my shoulder, or… Today I paused the TV during a cooking show to take a picture of a box of a special ingredient.

  54. acmx*

    FWIW I order from overstock frequently and only regretted one purchase and that’s my fault because I read the reviews and still chose it.

    I purchased a large area rug from there and it was great.

  55. Chaordic One*

    I’m feeling tired and crabby and frustrated.

    I’ve been looking at apartments and I pretty much hate everything I’ve looked at so far. What I really want is one where I can park fairly close to the front door and not have to walk for miles from my car to the apartment. Covered parking would nice, assigned parking would be nice, a garage would be better. I really don’t care about swimming pools or exercise rooms or game rooms or big grassy yards. So many of the actual apartments have so much wasted space. It’s like the apartments are fairly large, but the space is arranged so that you really can’t use it for much of anything.

    Does anyone have any hints or suggestions about what I should be looking for?

    1. SophieChotek*

      Sorry no suggestions – I feel your pain.

      Are there any good search engines (Trulia?) where you can check off what you want/don’t want, as a way to filter?

    2. acmx*

      Apartmentguide and the like sites usually have filters for types of parking etc. You could use a locator service or look for a rental house?

    3. NaoNao*

      This might be too late of a response, but I would look at apartments where:
      The units are arranged on multiple streets (real streets, not just pathways to get from unit to unit)
      The units are older. Newer apartments put a lot of emphasis on certain amenities, like large yards, etc.
      The units are in an urban area or an inner ring suburb. Truly suburban apartments often have large parking lots and a long walk to the door because the units are large, to feel more like houses. They tend to arrange the space that way for aesthetic reasons too.
      You could also look at mother in law suites, private room and bath arrangements, or attic/basement units in a private home.
      I’ve never seen apartments that come with a garage AND it’s not a parking garage that would by its nature mean a long walk to the front door, but if you were in a private home, you might negotiate for the garage space.

      For the apartment space, again, older units. The new look is a large, open space with the kitchen kind of flowing into the living room. Older units might have more separation.

      For inspiration on how to use oddly shaped, small, or even larger apartment spaces, I highly, highly recommend apartment therapy dot com. Love it!

  56. i think i'll go anon*

    A bunch of friends went out drinking tonight and I opted to stay home because this past work week was exhausting, and I needed to spend tonight finishing some PhD research and making headway on a few freelance jobs. A friend of a friend, who is pretty drunk if her social media posts are any indication, just sent me some…..weird messages. To paraphrase, she said she’s glad I didn’t come out because her confidence drops when I’m with them because men always try to flirt with me, even when I’m not interested, and it makes her feel ugly and unwanted. Then she said that it’s not fair that I’m both pretty and smart, and I should really try to tone down one or the other to give people like her a chance.

    Which…..part of me feels awful that she feels this way, but the other part of me is bemused because it’s not like I can really change the looks and intelligence I was born with. I’d tell her that I’d gladly give up the randos trying to flirt with me in bars or at the grocery store or on the subway, and that it’s made getting respect for both my PhD and work life a struggle, but I don’t think she wants to hear that and I know a lot of people are dismissive of that response anyway.

    I haven’t responded and I don’t know that I will, and I’m not really looking for advice so much as an anon space to just wonder why I suddenly received this message from someone who’s more of an acquaintance than a friend.

    1. miyeritari*

      I imagine you suddenly received it because this person’s always felt this way, but now they’re drunk enough to come out and tell you – probably, I imagine, to their great embarrassment when they wake up the next morning.

      1. SL #2*

        Yeah, I would not want to be OP’s friend when she wakes up tomorrow morning and looks at her messages, hah.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Good point.

          Maybe ignore the post, OP?
          If you feel you must say something, then say, “We can talk about this later on if you’d like.” Later on meaning when she is sober.

    3. Marthooh*

      I know you’re not looking for advice but “AHAHAHA well dang, Frendofren, I love you too, haha!” is just about the only thing you can say to a drunktext.

    4. Anon anon anon*

      I wouldn’t respond digitally. Or maybe just send something short and caring.

      But I’d be really nice to her in person the next time, and try to talk about it. Tell her everything you like about her. Try to make her feel better about herself, or just be there for her.

      I’ve been the attractive friend and the unattractive friend. Now that I get hit on more, I see that a lot of it is superficial. Most of the guys are annoying shallow types. The number of guys who are genuine and who like me for who I am has stayed about the same. I don’t think it would be fair or accurate to generalize and say that applies to everyone. But maybe there is some sort of relevant take-away? Long day and maybe I’m not expressing myself well, but you get the gist. I feel for your friend.

  57. Sunflower*

    How do you make your bedroom smell like a fresh scent on an ongoing basis?

    My bedroom doesn’t smell bad by any means but I am trying to make it smell like clean cotton/linen scent. It seems I can only make it smell like this temporarily. I’ve bought sachet packets but they have a fake, chemical smell to them. Candles smell good but the scent doesn’t really stick. I like in a city so I can certainly open my windows but I’m wondering what works for you. Sachets, candles, oils, incenses?

    2. soupmonger*

      There’s a company in the U.K. called Lily-Flame which do reed diffusers in Fresh Linen scent. I love it – it’s clean, fresh and natural, not synthetic.

    3. annon*

      What does your laundry detergent smell like? That can have more of an effect on room odor than you think.

      If you have carpet, carpets can absorb more odors than we think. You can use that in a positive way by regularly misting your carpets with a fragrance if you find one that’s not too chemical smelling.

      A lot really depends on how strong you want the scent. Also remember that your nose adjusts to odors over time, so a sachet may still smell quite strong to someone who doesn’t spend time in your room, but you might have stopped noticing it. A trick I learned when selling incense was that sniffing a jar of coffee beans helps cleanse your nose (the way eating something like pickled ginger cleanses your palate) – so if you think you might’ve simply gotten used to the smell, try that to reset and check.

      Also, you may be able to find less chemical-smelling sachets from various online vendors, though I can’t recommend one off the top of my head (sorry). I know there are a lot of people making and selling their own potpourris – you can make your own sachets out of those pretty easily if need be. (Stick the potpourri in a fabric sack, basically.) You can also sometimes find things you can stick in/on your air vents to disperse scent.

      Finally, you want to consider how volatile the scent is – heavy base notes like vanilla will linger a really long time, but other scents will fade very rapidly (a lot of florals are like this). I don’t honestly know where cotton/linen falls on that scale, but if it is dissipating too rapidly, maybe consider pairing it with one of the more lingering scents you like and seeing how that goes. (Though if it is a case of volatility, opening windows will just help it dissipate faster.)

  58. swingbattabatta*

    I have been really struggling with my work/life balance lately, and its becoming this tangled mess of WHO AM I AND WHAT IS THE POINT. Long story short – my husband and I both have very demanding jobs, a very (very) active 2 year old, and just… so many responsibilities. I feel like I’m not doing anything WELL, just scratching the surface, and I just… don’t know what my life should be looking at right now. To add to that, I work remotely, so I don’t really have any kind of clear separation between work and home (although I do have a home office), and oh hey – its 11 pm, I’m working right now, and I haven’t packed yet for my week-long work trip that begins tomorrow.

    I just feel sad. I just want to say screw it, what is the point of stressing myself out this much and feeling like every facet of my life is struggling (my husband makes enough that we’d be fine on his salary if we downsized), but then – what was the point of going to school for all of those years? Why did I work so hard for so long and incur so much student debt? But also, I look at the people in my industry who are senior, and they work ALL of the time and never take vacations. How is that worth it??

    1. Nicole*

      Personally I don’t think it’s worth it. My husband and I both had stressful jobs in the past and while the money was good they really took a toll on our mental health and our relationship. We would rather have less money and more time to do things we enjoy, including spending time with family. You probably don’t have to give up working altogether to find work/life balance, however. Perhaps you can find part-time work in your field or a field you’re interested in.

    2. Helpful*

      Is there a way to scale back for a season– say, part-time hours? What you’re describing is really, really normal. And temporary, in that preschoolers are extremely needy.

      If not part-time, you may look at getting out of your nonwork/nonfamily responsibilities. And even minimizing those when possible (housecleaner, get takeout, etc.). Is your sense of “should” realistic or is it too idealistic– and therefore more pressure?

      It is a good idea to look at sr people and realize you don’t want their lives– you may want to change industries long-term or just be happy not to be senior.

      Most importantly– are you happy with your job in and of itself? Do you WANT to be home, or are you just burned out and need some help/solutions?

      Depending on your industry, you could consider stepping out and doing occasional projects/freelancing/consulting to keep your work side fresh.

      This is a ramble but I hope there’s a nugget of something in here for you.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t think my version of this was as severe as yours is but I decided that I had to figure out what is important to me and what is not. The answers were surprising. Not everything can be a level one priority, eh, not everything can even make it to the priority list.

      Look for clues. Things you have ignored for a year or more probably are not a priority. Things that are unnecessarily labor intensive need to be switched over to an easier to manage thing. I needed to accept the fact that life is all trade offs. If I wanted X I had to forego Y. This is actually helpful to think about because it goes to defining your life. What do you want your life to be like? I let my life run me, it’s an easy pit to fall into. Think about what your life would look like if you were The Boss of Your Life. Then think about what steps it would take to get there.

      1. Helpful*

        I like this. Also, consider what you are going to look back and think. If you were going to die in 5 years, what would you spend your time today doing? What would you regret?

      2. QualityControlFreak*

        As usual, you nailed it, NSNR. It’s all trade offs. I like to tell people, you can have it all, you just can’t have it all at once. And sometimes you get it all at once. Then you have to choose, what is the most important to you? We all have lives to live, so we do the things humans do to make a living. But beyond that, it’s choices. And Helpful offers a useful perspective as well. None of us is getting out of here alive. No one knows how much time they have. To live a life informed by the certainty of death is to live with intention.

        For myself, let’s just say this is all in sharp focus right now. I have work that I love, that I believe is making a difference in people’s lives. My spouse was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and is totally on borrowed time. I need to work to keep our health benefits, plus, my organization depends on me. I want to spend every second I can with my spouse. I literally want to be in two places at once. So I have to choose. I chose a reduced schedule, allowing me to care for spouse at home and take them for treatment, but working enough hours to keep my medical coverage and get the core work done.

        You have to make choices based on what is important to you, what feeds your spirit. Good luck!

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          Oh, my heart goes out to you. (My spouse has stage 4 kidney cancer but is not yet on borrowed time.) I hope your time together with your spouse is everything you both want it to be — not in some fantasy vision but in a way that mutually sustains your connection. Internet hugs if you want them; an internet salute if you don’t.

          I have other comments about intentional living but they are in a slightly different key so I’ll post below (at what is at present the end of the comments).

          1. QualityControlFreak*

            Thanks Jean, and back at you! Every moment we have together is a blessing. And the way we are interacting right now is powerful.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          QCF, you tugged my heartstrings with your observation about not having it all at once. Oh, how true.
          I am very sorry about what the two of you are going through. I (and probably many others here) wish I could lift this off of you both. And likewise, for you and your hubby, Jean.

          OP, it sounds awful at first to think of giving up something. But it is okay to take that step, because what happens next is you find parts of yourself that you never knew you had and you also reclaim parts of yourself that you thought you had lost. One of the things I found is that I liked me better, I did not like the person I was becoming and that problem stopped. (Still lots of work left, though! ;) )

          I think of my life as being in chapters. In each chapter I have lost something but I have gained something else. QCF’s response to her setting shows a mix of what she wants and what she needs. Notice how nothing is totally in her favor, but it’s a plan that will support her and her hubby. It looks like this plan will carry her through this chapter.
          Nothing is forever, kids grow up and leave home. You might find this whole thing less daunting if you thought about what you would like the next five years to look like. Then in five years consider the next block of five years.

    4. January*

      My answer was that it isn’t worth it.

      DH and I made about the same salary (X) and we planned out expenses so that we only really needed X + 25% to maintain our quality of life exactly as-is (nice vacations, the cars we want, fully fund all retirement vehicles, save up for a remodel etc). While we made 2X, we crammed all the surplus in savings.

      Well, we were pregnant with our second and I got laid off at 5 months pregnant. After a whirlwind of emotions (mainly rage, which subsided when they cut me a giant check), I ended up doing consulting with a partner. That was 2 years ago and since then DH makes 20% more than he did before, and I make about 40% of my old salary on my own time/schedule with the option to ramp up whenever I’m ready.

      In the meantime I’m home with the kids and working 10-15 hrs/week while they are in preschool.

      Every time someone reaches out with a job opportunity (or a client tried to hire me FT) I laugh. My blood pressure went down 10 points the week after I was laid off. I used to work 60-70 hours a week in a job that required a lot of travel. And we make Not all that much less than we did when we were both working FT at X salary. Something like 80% our peak at 2X.

    5. SAHM*

      I have to agree with most of these. For me, I was laid off on maternity leave with my second. I just never found a new job. Unemployment helped and when that was about to run out and hubby was pushing me to find a new job, a miracle job fell in his lap. I call it our God thing. He applied and had a new job within two weeks making significantly more than he had before (part of that was he had been working at a company notorious for underpaying their IT, most people came into the job as new grads looking to put in a year before hop scotching to a new job, he stayed for like 7 years).
      Yes, people asked me what I’m doing with my degree, and people think I’m “wasting” my education. But I’m not. I’m learning so much right now, and I have a small hobby crafting business that I enjoy, and I’m making tentative plans to go back to get a masters in a field that’s ridiculously in demand (Speech Therapy), which I would have never known how interesting it is if I hadn’t had the time to sit in on my son’s therapy sessions. You aren’t “wasting” your education by taking the opportunity to stay at home, you’ll be learning about all sorts of other things. Some things that may have never crossed your path in a conventional climbing the corporate ladder type job.

  59. SL #2*

    Is it pretty normal for friends to just drop off the face of the earth when they start dating someone? I might be lucky because I’ve never encountered that with any of my other friends, but one friend in particular right now just started dating a guy and getting her to even answer a text is like pulling teeth because she’s always with him and she won’t answer texts while she’s with him? Like, I get it if you’re having ~couples time~ and don’t answer then, but then you just… never respond? At all? What’s up with that???

    Part of me thinks that it’s because it’s her first “real” relationship and she’s still trying to figure out how to balance that and other responsibilities, but part of me is being very ungracious right now and wants to say that she’s just being extremely rude. Ugh.

    1. 30ish*

      I would say it’s pretty common, maybe especially for someone who is experiencing the “honeymoon phase” for the first time. It’s still rather rude though.
      How long has it been? If it’s been a few weeks I would probably wait it out. If it’s several months, then that’s a different story. Tell her “friend, I miss you! when can I see you?” and see if that does the trick. If not, maybe time to reconsider the friendship?

      1. SL #2*

        Probably 3 months-ish since their first date? But it’s really only been the the last two months (after they made things official). It’s a little trickier because we live on different sides of the state now! So not quite as easy to see each other as just driving over, but our friendship has always been pretty strong even through text/email. We’re usually texting back and forth about some random topic or another. What stung was that I was in her city just earlier this week for work and I was the one who reached out because I knew I’d have downtime on certain days… and got flatly rejected. Not even a “I’ve got plans tonight, sorry!” but a “nah, I’m not gonna come out tonight.” I don’t think that has anything to do with the guy, but taking all of it into consideration, it’s not hard for me to think that I should probably stop investing as much into the friendship and just see where that goes.

        I think I’ve just been spoiled because my two best friends are in long-term committed relationships/engagements and our friendship hasn’t changed for the worse; if anything, we’ve gotten better at being friends because we intentionally work on our friendships, knowing that it’s easy to slide into just being wrapped up in your SO if you don’t.

    2. PX*

      Luckily I’ve never had this but I know someone who did and it sucks. Some people are just like that. Personally I think its terrible because if the relationship ends, you are much less likely to have a support network around you, but alas, some people just like to put all their eggs in one basket/person it seems :/

      1. SL #2*

        Yeah, I’m… kinda worried about if/when this goes downhill for her because from what little I know, he’s introduced her to all his friends and they hang out and whatnot, but her only other local friend is moving across the country soon. So this is really putting eggs in one basket to an extreme, because what happens if the relationship goes south? Hence my own hesitation in putting the friendship aside on my end.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      True friends will circle back around once the relationship has become settled and the newness fades. Then they want you to meet their Special One. I’d give it a few months before making any conclusions.

    4. HannahS*

      Well, I mean, both parts of you are right! I don’t think it’s normal, unless you’re in high school–and I don’t mean that as a slam on teenagers, but there’s sometimes wee lack of perspective and balance at that age. But even then, I remember my best friend telling me, “When Alice got a boyfriend she ditched me, it sucked, so I’ll be careful not to do that to you.” And we were sixteen. So if someone in their 20s or 30s is doing that…I don’t know. It shows pretty bad judgement. I’d be pretty upset, in your shoes.

      1. SL #2*

        I think it’s because it’s her first real relationship combined with her anxiety problems. A lot of high-school-esque feelings combined with the thoughts of “if I’m not The Best Girlfriend and pay attention to him all the time, he’s gonna dump me” and it all spirals from there. I’ve seen it happen in real time with her so I know how the thought pattern goes. Like, I get it, and she’d probably even agree with me if I brought it up, but I also know that bringing it up would probably make the friendship irreparable because she’d just withdraw from me further because she’s now worried about upsetting me.

          1. SL #2*

            I don’t think there is a solution except to let it all play out and see what happens from there. It might be a honeymoon phase, it might not be. I just gotta let it go, I suppose.

      2. Amadeo*

        Ugh, I dread any of my friends entering a new relationship because of crap like this and I’m almost 20 years out of high school! Fortunately in the intervening years I’ve learned how to do a lot of things by myself without it bothering me (I am perpetually single, should the right fellow come along, I am not opposed to companionship, but having a dude is not necessarily a need of mine), but at first, in my late teens and early 20s it really, really stung, to the point of tears sometimes, to ask a friend to go with me to a movie or out someplace only to be told ‘nah, myDude wants me to stay in’. It hasn’t happened to me in ages now, but the dread will always be there, I think.

        1. SL #2*

          I feel you! I’m not actively looking for a boyfriend right now, but all my friends have paired off and as I mentioned above, some friends are much better at including me than others.

    5. blackcat*

      Yeah, it’ll probably get better later on. I’d say 50% of my friends have been guilty of this at one point, and it typically passes around 6 months in.

      One of my friends who totally did NOT do that has since disappeared off the face of the earth immediately upon getting married. I find that odd. We’re now going on 10 months where we’ve seen each other once. Used to be every 4-6 weeks…

      1. SL #2*

        Huh! That’s so weird. I consider marriage to be an affirmation of a deeper commitment and promise to each other, but not like, some life-altering thing that makes it impossible to live your own separate lives…

  60. Ruth (UK)*

    I’m a bit late here. Anyway, I’m considering entering a marathon…

    In April this year, I ran a half marathon which was also the first running race I had ever entered. I took up running in January this year. In the end, I ran a time of 2 hours and 1 minute. However, I had a very busy summer, especially with a lot of camping etc on the weekends and have now not run since about may. I’m thinking of doing a full marathon in march 2018.

    I’m torn between feeling I can definitely be ready for this, and like there’s no way I’ll manage it… Either way, I will do the same half marathon as last year again in mid April

    1. Elkay*

      Why not look at some marathon training plans, ~six months seems like enough time to train for a marathon if you’re already used to running long distances.

    2. Apollo Warbucks*

      I’d say go for it, I ran a marathon a couple of years ago and it was a lot of training but very rewarding and you sound like you’ve got a good base to start from.

      I entered the ballot for London and find out in a couple of weeks if I get a place.

    3. Special Snowflake*

      You can totally do one in March – lots of training plans take 19 weeks. Find the one that works for you and give it a shot. The hardest part will be going out to do the training runs when it’s really cold in the dead of winter. I never thought cold bothered me until I started running in the winter.

  61. ..Kat..*

    I have a question about proper tipping. I am hoping for answers for high cost-of-living cities (HCOL) and low cost-of-living cities (LCOL).

    Hotel housekeeping – I generally tip $5 a day for a room at the Kimpton in Seattle (and I am generally paying a bit less than $200 a night – although my husband shops for specials so it is generally higher).

    Car valet – I generally tip $2 to pick up my car (again in Seattle – which I consider a HCOL city). I tip nothing on dropping my car off.

    Restaurants – I generally tip 20%. Again in Seattle. I tip on the entire bill – food, drinks, tax. If I am picking up takeout, I tip 10%.

    For Uber and lyft and taxi rides, I don’t know what to tip.

    Am I being too chintsy? Too generous? If so, what would you suggest? I keep reading that women tend to overtip. I want to leave a fair tip.

    Thanks AAMers!

    1. SL #2*

      I’m from LA! So a HCOL city in comparison for some people, but LCOL if you’re moving from SF or NYC…

      I never tip for hotel housekeeping, but I know some people who do. But I also tend to only stay 1-2 nights, and I keep the “privacy” sign out at all times, so really, the clean-up only happens when I check out.

      $1-$2 for car valet when I pick it up. 18%-20% for restaurants. 10%-15% for Uber/Lyft, although I never tip below $1, no matter how low the fare it is.

    2. acmx*

      I never considered tipping at hotels until I read it here. IMO they are paid minimum wage (at least) and I don’t interact with the housekeeper so I don’t tip. Whereas valet, bellhop or shuttle driver I would and then only $1-2. Probably more in inclement weather.
      My last hotel stay I did $2pn (not a luxury hotel)

      1. ..Kat..*

        I started tipping when two things happened:
        1. I realized housekeeping in a hotel is really hard work when I read about what they do and the pace they do it at. Also, from watching housekeeping at work on my hospital until. They work hard, on their feet, practically non-stop. And when I started learning their names and saying ‘hi’ they started talking to me about what they do. They have an amazing number of chronic aches and pains from the work they do. All for very low pay.
        2. I realized that tipping in a hotel is done.

    3. fposte*

      Interesting; I always hear that women tend to undertip. I’ll have to look into this.

      My tipping approach is largely based on the fact that I almost never have singles and I hate complexity. Therefore I tend to tip housekeeping $5 a night and valets $5 in and out. I carry my own bag, so no tipping there. I tip 20% on cab, Uber, and restaurant whether I’m picking up or dining in.

    4. HannahS*

      I used to live in a high COL city in Canada. I tip 15% on everything, especially because I pay with a card. It’s easier for me than frantically doing math in my head and worrying that it’s not enough/too much. I don’t typically give a tip for takeout or at a coffee shop, because I thought that tipping in food service is for table service or delivery only.

      …I just remembered I forgot to leave a tip for housekeeping at a hotel on a retreat a few weekends ago, because when I’m without my parents I opt for hostels. Oh dear. But in a hotel I think my parents would usually give something like five dollars per person in the room at the end of the visit (usually two nights).

      Qualifier, though, is that I’m a student who looks young and frankly doesn’t dress well. I assume people expect more from a wealthy-looking person.

    5. Someone else*

      What you described doing is well within conventional norms in the US as I understand them, regardless of area.

    6. Gaia*

      One thing I noticed: you say you tip on tax and that is not necessary. You should be tipping on the amount excluding tax.

      Other than that, your percentages seem on par for what is expected. For Uber/Lyft, I tip 10 – 15% (although never less than $1).

    7. periwinkle*

      20% on restaurant meals (entire bill including tax and before any discounts), at least 10% on carryout but often higher. When I travel, I’ll do $3/night at minimum but usually end up rounding up to the next 5 number if housekeeping does a great job. This is based not on what they’d paid but on what they have to put up with as housekeeping staff! I’ll tip taxis about 15%, rounded up to the next dollar if I have to calculate it manually (hurray for electronic payments that make it easy). Hotel shuttles and curbside baggage check, a couple bucks per bag.

      Part of my business trip preparation is collecting enough small bills so I don’t have to worry about that while traveling; generally speaking, housekeeping and shuttle/curbside tips are my only cash usage on those trips. My employer allows us to expense cash paid out as tips, which is nice but I never get around to doing it.

      1. fposte*

        It was a completely tip-forbidden service for awhile but after a lot of pressure they allow you to tip now, at least in most markets. (I don’t know if this is true across all flavors of Uber.)

        1. January*

          Weird, I just checked my app and don’t even see how it’s possible. I was asked to rate my last driver but even if I wanted to couldn’t figure out tipping.

          Or do people do cash?

          1. Lindsay J*

            Some people do cash, some drivers carry a little square reader that attaches to their phone that allows them to accept credit card tips.

            In the US they’re starting to roll out the ability to do credit card tips right through the app. It sounds like you’re in a city where it hasn’t been rolled out yet – they’re doing it at different times for different cities. When it is available, you can do it at the end of the ride right from the screen where you rate the driver.

            As for tip being included, even when I drove I was staunchly in the opinion of that I did not expect tips. The service was advertised for a long time as having the benefit of not needing to carry cash, calculate tips, etc. And I knew the rates I was being paid when I signed up, and if I felt they were not enough then I could choose to not drive – it wasn’t the rider’s responsibility to bring my wages up.

            Some drivers do feel entitled to tips, and feel as though they have been slighted and rate passengers low if they don’t tip.

            I would say good etiquette would be that if they got out of their car to help you (loading luggage on an airport pickup, helping load or carry groceries to your door, etc) then a dollar or two is called for. If not, there is no obligation to tip.

            More important I would say is to be aware of the consequences of your ratings. It seems like it would make sense to reserve 5 star ratings for the best-of-the-best drivers – the ones that give you free water and mints or candy and that give you advice about destinations, etc. However, Uber is shitty and doesn’t work like that. As a driver, you’re at risk of being deactivated if your rating falls below a 4.7. So if you have all 4’s and 5’s, but just have a lot more 4’s than 5’s, you can be at risk of getting deactivated and having your source of income taken away. 3 and below is basically saying, “I don’t think this person should drive for Uber anymore”. That’s not to say you shouldn’t ever rate lower than a 5, but just be aware when you’re doing it.

            My basic scale is:
            5 – acceptable ride, no real complaints
            4 – ride was not necessarily pleasant (driver was not polite, car smelled bad) but I got from A to B in one piece.
            3 – driver did not take the correct route either because the were trying to milk more money from the ride or because they got moderately lost.
            2 – driver did the thing where they sit for a long period of time or actively drive in the opposite direction when pinged in order to make me cancel so they didn’t have to take the ride but wouldn’t have to take the decline or cancel on their own stats, driver drove blatantly off-course to make the ride longer, driver was rude, minor safety concerns but I didn’t feel endangered
            1 – driver sexually or otherwise harassed me, driver was racist, major safety concerns, basically anything that means that I feel they should be off the road immediately

            Any wrong routes are accompanied by a report/request from Uber for a refund of the difference between the predicted and actual fare. 2’s and 1’s are accompanied with a report about the driving issue.

            I generally do personally tip when I take an Uber, because I’ve been there and know that you’re not getting paid enough (generally it’s maybe a couple bucks for accepting the ride and then between $.65 and $.85 a mile, and you need to pay your taxes and vehicle upkeep out of that). But it’s not something you should feel obligated to do. I stopped driving before the in-app tipping rolled out, but I would say maybe 1 in 10 people tipped, if that.

  62. ..Kat..*

    Okay. Another question. This time for people with eating disorders who don’t want people commenting on their food.

    I sometimes comment with “smells good,” “what did you bring,” or something like “is that oregano I smell?” I do this because I am simply interested in others. For example, I am interested in what spice blend that you used for your homemade stew. And, probably as a lead in to a conversion. I do NOT lecture people on their food or nutrition or tell them what they should be eating. I do NOT talk about weight or volume of food/fat/calories.

    Is what I am doing still a problem with respect to people with eating disorders? Should I just knock off the comments I am making? If so, are there any food comments that are safe to make, food topics that are safe to discuss? Or should I just pick another topic all together?

    Thank you for your input in advance.

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      Hmm, it still signals that you’re paying a lot of attention to what other people are eating. If you’re worried, I’d stop doing it.

    2. Helpful*

      I think you’re fine, but maybe pay attention to the frequency. Is this daily to the same person? Or would any one individual be asked, like, monthly? It would be annoying if it were multiple times a week. I think the idea with disordered eating is that you don’t want to seem over-involved or over-invested in someone else’s food choices. So to me, frequency is a big indicator of that because your content seems okay.

    3. HannahS*

      I don’t have an eating disorder, so take this with a grain of salt.

      I think it really depends on the person, their issue, and their stage of recovery. For some, a friendly, “Ooh, that smells great! What’s in it?” is an opportunity to engage in healthy, normal discussions about food with someone who has no idea that they struggle with it. For others, it probably sounds like, “HEEEEYYY I notice that you’re EATING. I see you! EATING.” So I don’t know. I think Helpful’s comment is good, to pay attention to the frequency. Pay attention to their reaction, too. Do they seem happy to talk to you about it? Did they offer more information than you asked for or ask you questions back?

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      I have food issues. I don’t want to be asked what I’m eating. If you do ask, I will change the subject and hope you read the signs and don’t ask twice.

      It’s the people who don’t read the signs or who really look at my food who stress me out.

    5. Anono-me*

      In addition to the advice above, I would suggest not asking strangers at a restaurant about their food or drink as a conversation starter or out of curiosity. We had that happened the other night and it was a weird unwlcome interruption of our date night. And the person could have asked the waiter.

      1. Anono-me*

        Sorry. To clarify, my response is ment to be considered as how anyone dining out might feel, I am not addressing the impact on health issues.

      3. Floundering Mander*

        How odd! I can imagine quickly asking someone if their dish looks or smells good, but even that would be a bit weird. I definitely would not start a conversation that way!

      4. periwinkle*

        I will admit to occasionally chasing after a server, particularly at good regional Chinese restaurants, when I smell something wonderful waft by. I’d never ask customers, though!

    6. Temperance*

      I don’t have an ED, but I’m kind of an introvert so I wouldn’t want to have a full blown convo when I’m ready to eat my lunch.

    7. Gaia*

      I’ve recently come to the realization that food and I do not have a healthy relationship and that it borders on, if not fully qualifies as, an addiction (see my weight loss update, below and in previous open threads!).

      I don’t like long conversations about food because I often feel judged. However, singular comments that are complimentary and not inquisitive don’t bother me. So “mm smells good!” or “wow that looks great!” or “you always have such interesting lunches” are fine but “oh, what’s that?” or “is that your lunch?” or “what is in that?” would feel judgmental even if your tone wouldn’t normally indicate judgement. That is because of my insecurity around my issues with food.

      I think your best bet is to pay attention to signals and take your queues. Some people won’t mind, others will. Notice if they seem nervous or uncomfortable and don’t push it if that is the case. If they are happy or comfortable, I would still limit it to occasional comments.

    8. annon*

      Well, there are a lot of people who do like to talk about food, people who don’t mind, and people for whom any conversation is/could be a trigger. I don’t have an eating disorder per se, but I do have severe anxiety/paranoia around my food (I am basically terrified that people are going to take my food, and I have probably just outed myself to half my work friends), so my advice might be off the mark for folks dealing with actual EDs.

      I agree with the others who say pay attention to cues, and if in doubt change the subject. Don’t stare, try to make it about the recipe not the eating (if that makes sense), and I don’t know if this is a problem for others, but “mmm”-type wordless noises about my food ratchet up my anxiety like nothing else. (But again, some people don’t mind. And it bothers me when people do it towards others’ food too, but I can’t exactly ask people to stop a common response.) So I guess I’d recommend watching the intensity you display towards others’ food.

      Also, it’s amazing how many comments about health, weight, and so on slip into even innocuous food conversations. Like, I wouldn’t tell someone “We’re trying to eat healthy, so I think I’ll try that salad!” or something like that, unless you’re pretty sure they’d not mind the comment. It’s also surprisingly common for people to be subtly (or not-so-subtly) pushy about wanting to try some of your food – aside from people who will just flat-out ask for some, people pretty often will talk about how hungry they are while staring at my food, or they’ll do things like say, “Oh, I only brought a granola bar for lunch today,” and then move to talking about other people’s food. Even if they aren’t actually asking for some and aren’t intending to, it often kind of implies that. So I guess be aware of how you’re coming across, how you’re setting up the conversation. Are you making comments that steer it towards healthy/unhealthy eating, or are you really sticking to the “casual recipe talk” kind of thing? Also, with this, be careful of how you talk about your own food – are you mentioning how “bad” you’re being eating that doughnut, or how “good” you are today for eating a salad? That sort of thing.

      I realize that sounds like a lot of stuff and also kind of overblown, but it’s amazing how much weird judginess and also boundary-crossing we have with regards to food. We categorize foods as good/bad a lot, we talk a lot about not being satisfied with the food we provided ourselves, and a lot of people act like it’s unreasonable to just not want people asking about/commenting on your food, or like asking them to stop a particular comment is a horrible imposition.

      For what it’s worth, with my own issues, of your three comments, this is how I’d react:
      -“Smells good” would depend a lot on how frequently you made that kind of comment and how intent/pointed you were about it. A lot of people, in my experience, preface requests for “just a bite” with that particular phrase, so it gets my back up. If you’re really casual about it and follow it with something like “what’s the recipe/where’d you get it?” it wouldn’t set me off.
      -“What did you bring?” Again, how casual you are, how much you focus just on me (vs asking others), and whether or not I generally see you happy and satisfied with your own food would affect how I’d react. I’d react really badly to this if you appeared at my shoulder to ask me or were focusing intently on my plate, but like with “smells good,” the follow-up matters. Weirdly, “what did you cook?” wouldn’t set me off, because the focus is on the recipe.
      -“Is that oregano I smell?” would be perfectly fine, as it lets me know right off the bat that you are probably more interested in the recipe than in either policing my food choices or cadging a bite. Most people who want to get their hands on my food don’t ask about the particulars of the ingredients.

      And I know the responses would look different from people with EDs, but that’s how my food-anxiety would cause me to react.

      Also, people, please stop asking folks for some of their food. Please. Ask only if you’re really sure they won’t mind the question – otherwise, stop asking directly, stop asking indirectly, stop asking to try just a little of it, stop asking if you can share it, stop hinting, and no you are not subtle, stop it. It is not your food. Go get your own. And for the love of all that’s holy, don’t take it if it’s not yours, and don’t help yourself to my plate. Even if it’s “just a few fries.” GAH.

    9. ..Kat..*

      Thank you all. It sounds as if I need a new conversation opener for eating with co-workers! Before reading this blog, it not occur to me that I could be making others uncomfortable. I appreciate the opportunity to learn and be a better co-worker :)

  63. The Other Dawn*

    I’m very proud of myself: not only did I shampoo the couch like I planned, I threw away 34 pair of underwear. 34!! My couch smells nice, not like cats, and I have room in my underwear drawer for once. Granted, this all happened around 9 pm, which is very far off from the late morning timetable I had, but I did it.

    Now that the tummy tuck is 6 months behind me and I FINALLY (yesterday) found the right underwear in the right size that don’t slide down my a$$ through the course of the day, I just threw caution to the wind and tossed all the old ones. It felt so good.

    I know, I’m weird.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        LOL Well, there were lots of very old ones in there. I just kept hanging onto them. Plus I kept buying them trying to find ones that wouldn’t slide down, and because you can’t return underwear, I just kept them and wore them anyway since they fit. They just didn’t stay put. And I refused to buy the full briefs, which I really probably needed. I found myself wanting to hold onto some last night. I kept thinking, “Maybe I should keep the ones that still look new, just in case.” But I really, REALLY needed room for the new ones that I bought. I now have 15 new pair and they all fit and don’t slide! I found that the hipsters are best for me now. Bikinis just slide down, plus they hit right where the tummy tuck scar is. I don’t care about the scar being visible, but it’s still a bit sensitive there and I don’t want the bikinis irritating me.

        Anyway, yeah. 34. I was shocked, too.

      2. Essie*

        That doesn’t seem like a lot to me, but then I prefer to keep enough to do a full washer load without mixing in other items.

    2. Floundering Mander*

      I can relate. I never know what size to buy, and different brands fit in different sizes anyway. In my quest to be more environmentally friendly I feel inordinate guilt for just throwing things out so I have way more underwear (and socks) than I need. I can’t bring myself to toss the ones I don’t like.

  64. AnnaleighUK*

    I’m engaged!

    Oh and the cafe is opening next weekend.

    But.

    I’m engaged!!!

    Scuse me while I scream for joy!

  65. new plates*

    I realized my plates and bowls were all chipped and not complete so I bought a new set at Target. What do you with the old one? They are not in shape for a thrift store, but it seems they are not recyclable either? I feel bad now.

    1. nep*

      I would find out whether a local recycling place does have some facility for that kind of thing; I think some do. Otherwise perhaps some local artist would want them for something?

    3. Anono-me*

      Lots of people use old dishes for mosaic pieces. You might want to check with your local donation center or craft any activity center to see if they want your dishes.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Our local rubbish dump/recycling centre has a special shed where you can leave anything for somebody else to take if they want it. Have you got something similar?

        For example, chests of drawers with a drawer missing, odd drinking glasses, battered wendy houses etc.

    4. SophieChotek*

      In addition to other above ideas:

      Um…keep them and use them to send left-overs or give away plates of cookies?

      See if someone wants them on Freecycle? (If you have that in your area. It’s amazing what people offer and take.)

  66. Call me St. Vincent*

    So I’m going to be traveling for work in about a week and I don’t know how to talk to my toddler about it. I’ve never been away from her for more than one night in her whole life (she’s 2) and I will be gone for a Monday to Friday and it’s really unavoidable. I’ve gotten out of two other work trips in the past year, but this one is for mandatory training so I can’t get out of it. I’m really anxious and nervous for myself (I’m going to miss her so much), but I’m also nervous that she is going to freak out. This kid sometimes cries at daycare drop off still, so how is she going to handle a whole week with me away? Her daddy will be here and my mother in law is actually going to stay the week to help out since my husband works a lot, but I’m still stressed about this.

    Does anyone have any tips? I also don’t know when to tell her. I don’t want her to start getting anxious so I was thinking of talking to her about it the weekend before I go (I leave on a Monday). Thoughts?

    1. Apollo Warbucks*

      Can you Skype or FaceTime each day you’re gone? Could your husband and MIL organise some activities your daughter likes to do in the evenings to provide a distraction? Maybe some sort of calandra or count down of the days left until you get home?

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Thanks! I am definitely going to try to do FaceTime. My only concern is that when I’ve facetimed my husband while he’s at work overnight at the hospital, she sometimes gets even more upset and starts crying because she wants a hug. I will definitely going to try it though. My daycare said they could FaceTime from there as well, which is really nice.

        1. fposte*

          It’s worth considering that that might be a momentary pang, though, and that it could cause some distress and still be a greater benefit. I think that daycare dropoff may be a good example–she cries when she’s dropped off, but does she like it okay anyway? Most kids who cry when they’re dropped off are still fine at daycare.

          It’s hard when a little person you love is distressed, but it doesn’t mean things aren’t generally okay, whether you’re a parent working at night or a parent out of town. The more matter-of-fact you can be, the more matter-of-fact she’s likely to be.

        2. ..Kat..*

          Practice giving each other FaceTime hugs before you leave. This is when you stand in front of each other, each person wraps her arms around herself in an exaggerated way, and says, “I love you this much.” Then this becomes a fun thing that you two do together. Take a drawing she has done with you. Show it to her and tell her that having the drawing she made makes you feel better. And, leave a special drawing you made for her at home with her.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Countdown calendar for when you come back, and she gets to choose a special sticker every day to put on it?

      2. SophieChotek*

        Great idea! My mother used to have to travel for 2-3 weeks once a year when I was growing up. I think I was a little older than toddler (maybe 5-8?) but my mom would write a note – I would get a new note every day. I remember one trip she also had a “small gift” each day – I think I had to find them,too – hide & seek. (My grandmother came to stay where I lived with my Mom, so I was still at home.) The gifts weren’t big – educational – a book, a small set of colored pencils, something like that…

    3. Not That Jane*

      We have an 18-month-old, so a bit younger, but when hubby was traveling internationally for a 10-day work trip a couple months ago, the main impact on our daughter seemed to be just at the beginning and end. She was sad when we dropped him off at the airport, and then really excited when we picked him up again. During the days in between, she just seemed to find it pretty normal to have Mommy always putting her to bed (normally Daddy’s routine), feeding her, etc.

      We did a little Skyping, which she seemed a bit confused by (How come Daddy can’t take the goldfish cracker I’m trying to give him??), but otherwise it went OK.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Not a parent, but when my ex had his little girl for weekends and weeks in the summer, he made a HUGE deal about it when it was time to take her back. Of course, seeing Daddy get upset made her upset (she was three at the time and he and her mum had been divorced for barely a year).

      It helped immensely when he started being matter-of-fact about it. “It’s time for me to take you back to Mommy’s house. You got your clothes? Your toy? Good deal.” Then when he dropped her off, kiss and hug and “I’ll see you in a few days [they had regular weekday visits for a few hours as well].” She was much less angsty about it when he saved his tears for the drive back. Nothing wrong with being upset–of course he missed her! But giving way to it in front of her did not help her cope.

      My suggestion would be to NOT wait until the last minute but talk about it beforehand as though it’s not a big deal. “Mommy will go on a work trip next week; Daddy will be here with you and Grammy will too. I will come back in a few days.” Mention it now and then. “Grammy is looking forward to seeing you when Mommy goes on her trip.” I know this is really hard, but if you get stressed, you will stress her out. She will pick up from you that it’s something to be worried about. It’s not–her dad and his mum will take good care of her and she’ll see you soon. That’s what you want to leave her with.

      I do like the suggestion about Skype or Facetime. I see you posted that she cries, but if you’re doing it at night when she’s already tired, I can see that being more of a problem. Be cheerful and calm when you do it. And remember–SHE WILL BE FINE.

      And if you can bring her back something, that will be even better. My parents had to go away for gift shows for their Hallmark store; they always brought us vendor swag and because it was always in KC, they went to a certain bakery that makes the world’s most amazing chocolate cake. Even my whiny little brother would cheer up when we reminded him that cake was on the way.

      2. Call me St. Vincent*

        So I followed your advice and I spoke to her tonight about it. I said, the week after next mommy has to go away for a few days, but you will be with daddy and grandma and you’re going to have so much fun. No joke, she says to me “Mommy work?” and I said “yes, mommy has to go away for work, but I’ll be back before you know it and you’re going to have the best time with daddy” and she said “okay mommy.” It was amazing!!! Thank you so much for telling me to talk to her!

        1. tigerStripes*

          Great job! Kids that age tend to pick up on their parents’ anxiety, so if you seem calm about it, she is likely to be too. I think Elizabeth’s advice is great.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Yay!!!
          The hard part will be if she cries as you’re leaving, but YOU CAN DO THIS.

          She really will be fine and so will you. I bet it will be nice for Daddy to have some one-on-one with her. And that’s good for her too. (And of course Grammy time is fun time, yaaasss!)

    5. Jules the First*

      My sister travels all the time for work and leaves her toddler (now four, but she’s travelled since he was just a few months old) with daddy all the time. She explains it as special time with daddy which makes it something the kiddo looks forward too. They FaceTime most nights – she’ll often read bedtime story to him on it and then daddy takes over and reads the second bedtime story and tucks kiddo into bed. They try to make sure that kiddo has adventures during the day so he has something to talk to mommy about, and if he wants a hug, they just both hug the iPad (it’s something he started doing spontaneously when skyping me and we’ve just gone along with it) for a “long distance cuddle”.

  67. Helpful*

    Has anyone built out an IKEA kitchen (cabinets primarily) when living hours away from the nearest IKEA? I am 3+ hrs drive and am curious about the process. Thanks!

    1. miyeritari*

      While I haven’t built a whole kitchen, I have a fair bit of Ikea furniture building experience. I believe they do offer a “we’ll build this for you” service, but presuming you have the space (truck?) to haul your cabinets home, it shouldn’t be any *more* of a hassle to construct an ikea cabinet than an ikea couch. Or am I misunderstanding the question?

    2. Anono-me*

      I helped a friend install some. It was about the same as any othe cabinet installation. They have held up really well. Even the drawer slides. And this is a big family.

  68. The Other Dawn*

    Anyone live in the Palm Springs, CA, area?

    I’m headed there on October 8 for a business trip, but will have about three days to putz around. I’m bringing my older cousin with me. The conference is in Indian Wells. We’ll have Sunday afternoon, Monday, Tuesday, and Friday afternoon for doing things. Wednesday and Thursday night, too, as the conference runs until 5pm.

    I checked around and there’s a zoo, which I plan to visit. I also plan on visiting the Joshua Tree National Forest. We might hit a casino. Other than that, I’m not seeing much else that looks interesting, but, admittedly, I haven’t done much research due to all the personal crap going on this year. I also don’t feel a big drive to get out and do like I usually do when I go away, so I’m torn between feeling like we should be doing something, and just saying F it and doing whatever we feel like when the mood strikes.

    I’m not looking to spend a ton of money. I saw there are hot air balloon rides, but it’s quite expensive, so I crossed that off the list.

    If it helps, we would prefer sight seeing, shopping (mid-range stores), stuff like that. My cousin likes to take pictures. She’s 70 and had knee replacement, and needs the other one done soon, so hiking, hills, and similar are out of the question. She’s fine with stairs and walking around, though.

    Oh, and any recommended places to eat? It would have to be the typical American or Italian food, or good steak houses, since she’s not into, say, Thai or sushi.

    1. HannahS*

      I haven’t been to Palm Springs since I was little, but one of my grandmothers winters there. I hear there are loads of smaller art galleries. She’s a great shopper, and there are apparently fun antique and flea markets in the area, as well as large outlet malls for great deals (Cabazon, I think). I remember from when I was about 11 that there was a date farm that you could tour and had a video on how date-farming works. I found it dull at the time, but would probably enjoy it now. I’ve also heard that there’s a lot of great architecture, so maybe you could google a nice neighbourhood to stroll or drive through?

    2. CAA*

      For Joshua Tree National Park, you can drive to the north entrance, make your way through the park, stopping at points of interest, leave via the south entrance and come back on I-10. It makes a nice loop, and takes at least a half-day.

      The views from the tram that goes up Mt. San Jacinto are beautiful, and a photographer might enjoy that. It’s also quite amazing to leave the hot desert and find yourself in a cool mountain forest just a few minutes later, so bring a sweater. There’s a fairly flat path around the valley once you’re up there, but you do have to go down a pretty steep path from the tram station to reach the valley, so that might not work for your cousin.

      Check out the Palm Springs Historical Society. They have walking tours of various lengths that are on city sidewalks; that might or might not work for your cousin. During Modernism week they also do bus tours and home tours, but I’m not sure if those are available during the time you’ll be there.

      Walter Annenberg’s estate, Sunnylands, is open for tours.

    3. Victoria, Please*

      Palm Springs has a wonderful art museum. Also the whole area caters to the senior crowd. You won’t have any trouble finding nice places to eat or shop. Casinos are not my thing, but Morongo is right there along with an outlet mall.

      Joshua Tree is heart stopping beautiful at sunset and at night. It also has a few nice easy walks as well as the strenuous hikes. I love JT.

    4. Sparkly Librarian*

      If you get a chance to drop by the public library, it has a charming indoor water/garden feature. Sherman’s Deli is an experience – lots of options, and huge portions so sharing is fine.

    6. Yas Queen*

      If it were me, I’d look into architecture-related tours? There are some awesome mid-century modern houses and things down there.

  69. Ramona Flowers*

    I have a question about getting therapy through an EAP. I hope that’s okay here and not on the work thread.

    Does anyone else have an EAP that offers a set number of therapy sessions per issue per year? How does that work in practice? If you need therapy again can you ask to see the same person as last time if you want to? Do you have to think of a new reason to say even if it’s actually the same reason as last time?

    As I mentioned in the mental health thread up above, I called the EAP today to ask for face to face therapy and they are going to find someone near work at my request. (I could work from home around appointments but I’d prefer not to.) I haven’t had therapy through an EAP before. Before I went freelance, my EAP just offered ‘life management advice’ and when I asked about counselling they were so unhelpful that I hung up.

    I now have access to an EAP that offers up to eight sessions per person per issue per year, of either structured telephone counselling (ie a pre-arranged appointment with the same therapist each time) or face to face, plus unlimited calls to their 24-hour helpline (ie you just talk to whoever is there). I just called today and they say a therapist will be in touch within two working days to set up a first session. I asked a lot of questions about how it works, e.g. what is the approach (they said it draws on a mix including person-centred and CBT which I’m happy with) but didn’t know how to ask about this ‘per issue per year’ thing.

    I just told them one reason for wanting the counselling so I have other genuine reasons to give at other times if needed. I just wondered how it works, like if you need it again do they make a point of checking it’s not for the same issue? The only person at work who I know has used the EAP opted to keep adding the same counsellor privately after her EAP sessions ran out, so can’t tell me.

    The EAP is Health Assured, if anyone has any experience with them?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      To keep SEEING the same counsellor, even.

      I’m guessing that if you contact them for another reason in future they probably find a different counsellor so you don’t become dependent on seeing a particular one. (This being solution-focused brief therapy.) And I’ve asked to see someone specifically to work out ways of coping in the run-up to Christmas, as I’m currently starting to break down in ways that don’t normally kick in until November or so. Every year, I want to enjoy that period but instead basically fall to pieces.

      I am very, very happy that the telephone assessor asked if I wanted to share details of how and why I’m estranged or if it didn’t feel okay to open that up right now – and did not ask if the estrangement was permanent or mention the r-word (reconciliation).

    2. LNLN*

      So glad to hear that you are accessing your EAP! It’s a great benefit and 8 sessions (at no cost to you) is more than many companies provide. The purpose of EAP is to assess your situation and refer you to longer term counseling if appropriate. You absolutely can see a counselor for different issues in the same year and you can see the same counselor again. EAP is not designed to cover ongoing counseling; it’s really to help you in the short term. If longer term assistance is needed, the counseling switches over to Behavioral Health covered by medical insurance and often there is a copay. My work involves helping people access their EAP, although I don’t work in that department. Good luck to you!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Thanks for this! I’m in the UK where we don’t have the same system, so if I wanted something longer term I would need to arrange and pay for it myself. Eight free sessions with a private counsellor is actually a really huge deal over here, not least because it doesn’t have to go in your medical records.

  70. Typhon Worker Bee*

    I bought an electric-assist bicycle yesterday! I’m picking it up on Monday and am sooooo excited.

    I’ve been cycling home from work a couple of days a week since we moved. The humongous hill at the end of the ride home is doable if I take it slowly, but my legs are really tired and sore by the end of the week and it’s too much to do every day. I’m going to have an even longer commute from November onwards, so I decided it was time.

    I tried three different bikes – a cheap one that was a really weird shape and didn’t feel very stable (small wheels and high seat), then two that are more similar to the hybrid style I’m used to. I really really liked the more expensive one, which had regenerative braking, but opted for the medium-priced one as I didn’t think the regenerative braking was worth $2,000.

    All last night, I dreamed about flying up hills. LOL.

    I’m sure lots of people at work will be begging for a test ride as soon as they spot my new precious in the bike cage! My husband said I should let people borrow it on lunch breaks on the condition that they bring me a sandwich.

    1. Typhon Worker Bee*

      Oh, and I finally got hold of the adjustable height desk I mentioned in last week’s rant about FedEx, a full week after it arrived in Vancouver. We had to borrow a friend’s truck and drive two cities over after work on Thursday (then to our place, then back to the friend’s place to pick up the car, then home, crossing a total of 7 bridges in rush hour traffic), because they don’t deliver or open their depot on weekends and couldn’t drop the boxes off at a closer FedEx store because Reasons. It’s still in the boxes, but hubby brought his power tools home from work and has promised to assemble it this afternoon. Our new place is still under-furnished and a bit echoey, but we’re getting there!

    2. soupmonger*

      Congratulations! I’ve been riding my e-bike in hilly Edinburgh (Scotland) for 3 years now and it’s fabulous. Like having bionic legs. You will never, ever regret buying it and I’m hoping that mine will mean I’m still cycling when I’m ancient.

  71. Jean (just Jean) with another comment re Intentional Living*

    Does anyone else want to replace procrastination with action? I woke up to someone on National Public Radio quoting the late Abraham Joshua Heschel’s description of each person’s life as a work of art. Sleepily I thought, What can I do? Toss clutter? Scrub away grime? Revive sagging routines? Maybe by completing humble chores I’ll also bolster my willpower and self-confidence and defang my overly dramatic self-criticism.

    In plain language, I’m going to tidy the kitchen and bathroom and I’m sending out positive vibes to fellow/sister travelers. In an hour I will report my results.

    P.S. It took 21 minutes to write the 95 words above. Being concise—with words, grime, or clutter—is arduous.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      “I have made this [letter] longer than usual because I have not had time to make it shorter.” — Blaise Pascal :)

      And yes, I do. I’ve put off some important stuff until today and now I shall get busy. Thank you for the inspiration.

    2. Jean (just Jean) with another comment re Intentional Living*

      Reporting back 1 hr 50 min later: 4 pots and three drinking cups/bottles (including lids & those fiddly water-bottle straws that latch onto the inside of the lid) washed & in dish drainer. Innumerable food storage containers retrieved from wherever dropped (the usual cross-the-threshold-and-dump-that-day’s-totebag routine), rinsed, and placed in dish washer. Dirty dishes retrieved from the usual horizontal surfaces and also placed in dish washer. Recyclables rinsed or washed & set to dry. Sink and counters wiped. Dish washer loaded & started. One greasy spatula left soaking beneath vinegar-saturated paper towels, all resting in slightly grubby frying pan.

      Taking a break to eat quick lunch and then On to the Bathroom. Somewhere in all this I need to do laundry and [insert endless list here] but I’m trying to focus on Doing One Task at a Time and Getting Enough Sleep.

      *Enormous* appreciation to Elizabeth West for her reply and to everyone else whose mere presence here is holding me accountable. Special credit to those who are sharing their own stories of Forging Ahead Despite Difficult Times and Circumstances. In the spirit of Blaise Pascal I don’t have time to describe in depth. :-)

    3. annon*

      I am so terrible about procrastinating on chores. I am good about sweeping because I really like my broom (yes, I am weird), but I finally had to get rid of all my dishware* and stick to one bowl/plate/cup and utensil set, because otherwise I would basically go through all the dishes before I would clean them. Which is not good. I always wish I could be a more competent adult with regard to actually doing my chores.

      Keeping a home neat is so much damned work.

      *This is not as dramatic as it sounds.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I did several small tasks today, some of which have been hanging here for months. I feel like I lost five pounds. Inch by inch, I am getting this house more where I want it to be.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      Returning with another progress update: kitchen floor washed. Bathroom sink, floor, mirrors, wall tiles & tub washed. Still need to do toilet & re-sanitize the sink. If energy holds up I’ll change the shower curtain. All this took
      waay more than 1 hour and there’s still clutter everywhere but I’m calmer/more ready for the coming week.

      >Keeping a home neat is so much damned work.
      +1,001 ,Annon! It’s also tiring and unglamorous. (Im currently sweaty and grubby.) The sad fact is that it’s also work to ignore the mess, or work around it. I guess I finally decided to suck it up and do some chores in exchange for greater peace of mind. It will be nice to see a few tidy areas amidst the rest of the, ahem, usual clutter.

      1. annon*

        The sad fact is that it’s also work to ignore the mess, or work around it.

        True, and that’s a thing I need to keep in mind when I do start complaining to myself about chores.

  72. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    SO met a couple of my cousins yesterday plus their super cute kids. We gifted them books, and for the adults gave homemade spice bread. One cousin asked when we last contacted nmom. We’ve done no contact, limited contact (letters or 1 email a month) and cousin asked if reconciliation was near. Point blank, I said this was the best time of my life, I felt so free and happy without pain and stress and that I felt things are perfect as they are right now. They said nmom loves me so much. I told them nmom stole my money, did a meltdown that jeopardized my career and harassed us to the point I felt dead inside and had to leave when she targeted my SO too and I felt it would never end. I told them it’s like a kid squeezing a puppy to death. Puppy can choose to have its bones broken, OR puppy can bite and leave and be free.

    They listened to my side and I don’t know what they’ll think. Frankly I don’t care–I’m just so glad to be free of nmom crazy. I kinda laughed and said I love the silence, peace, quiet.

    Anybody with similar experiences.

    1. SL #2*

      I’ve read some of your posts about your family relationships but I haven’t been around the open threads for a bit to hear about the newest updates. I’m super-glad to hear you’re doing well (and thriving, even!). Don’t let your cousins guilt you into making contact again.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I am no contact with all my fam and I just want to say you don’t owe anyone an explanation. However well they mean, they are not in a position to tell you what to think about your own relationship with your own parent – you know what it was like and they don’t. You deserve peace and it’s not fair that you had to get it this way but this is where you are and you are right to do what is right for you. Hugs if wanted.

    3. annon*

      Oh, this is familiar. Toxic Relative is also Charismatic Relative, and is very good at spinning her tales and putting on her poor-me act, and so it seems like every few months when I run into someone who also knows her, I get to go through the whole “but why are you being so mean to her?” thing again.

      And no amount of “I am not being mean, I am enforcing my boundaries” gets through to some people. I’ve had to establish further boundaries with some of these cluelessly-well-meaning folks that no, I will not talk about her with you, and if you want to stay in contact with me you will respect that (and also if I catch you feeding her info or helping her find me, I will dump you so fast your head will spin, but that’s another story).

      It’s infuriating. It seems like so many of our common stories/scripts really don’t favor the establishment of boundaries or the victims of abuse. “She loves you!” “You’re being mean.” “You should forgive her!” “Everyone deserves a second chance.” “But what if she’s changed?” “Don’t you want to reconcile before you die? My relative was toxic and I cut her out, but then she was hit by a bus and now I regret not making up with her. Don’t be me!” “She’s having a hard time.” “But [insert excuse here]! She’s not a bad person! She had reasons!”

      I don’t have to forgive her. I don’t have to put up with her nonsense. I don’t have to martyr myself so that other people can have their happy ending and reassure themselves that Family/Love Conquers All. I am not some character in their neat little story, and if they can’t deal with that, that’s on them.

      I’m glad you’re free, too.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Mine was decades ago. I was the radical one, The Black Sheep because I left. It was normal to hear that I was a rotten daughter and I needed to give up my life to take care of my mother. Yet, when I had put in the time (20-22 hours per day) I was not doing enough and I had to pay for everything even though I had no money.

      The relationships with some relatives never healed. They went to their graves calling me The Rotten One. Others learned that it took about 7-10 people to take care of what my mother needed. And they turned sympathetic but never apologized.

      Lesson learned: Sometimes we make decisions that we know are right for our setting. And we walk ALONE that whole time, no support, no empathy, etc, just our own knowledge that we have made the right choice.

      I don’t know why life tests us like this but it seems to come up again and again. Do we have the strength to do what we need to do, in spite of what most people think. What we can do with this very expensive and hard lesson is listen to others more closely. Pay attention when someone says, “I think I have a problem here.”

      Because of your life experiences, Carmen, you have zoomed out beyond your group. Time will be kind, later they will tell that they saw this or that and it opened their eyes. But you had to step out of the way first. See, we block other people’s view when we are closely involved with a person like your mom. Others do not get to see what we see because we absorb most of it. They are going to start learning what you are already well aware of. My relatives could not wait to tell me example after example of some stupid thing my mother did. It was all I could do not to say, “For every one example you give, I can give you back 20 of my own stories.” I should have worked harder to nip it, but being nice was too important to me back then.

      We don’t get to pick the people who support us or the people who understand us. All we can do is keep going until we find these people and once we find them stay with them. They teach us what normal looks like.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I know this post was for someone else but it has really helped me too. And I just want to say you are one of the most incredibly insightful and thoughtful commenters on this site and I always appreciate your wise words.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Thank you for allowing my healing to grow. Many times it’s in helping others that we heal ourselves. Who’d thunk? Allowing someone to be of some help causes them to heal more. wow.

          Go forward and help yourself heal more, RF. ;)

  73. Anna H*

    Vent: I CANNOT DEAL with how needy my husband is right now. I have so much to do for work, so much to do for school, and all he does is endlessly monologue about every damned thing that dribbles out of his brain. If I ask him for quiet, he gets pissy and complains that I’m “acting like a roommate, not a wife”. He’s basically Sheldon. All I want is silence! That’s not too much to ask!

    1. Mrs. Fenris*

      Whenever my husband is working on something around the house, he needs lots and lots of interaction and validation from me. He’s replacing the baseboards in the bathroom after I painted, and every 10 minutes it’s “ok, sweetie, come look at this” and I have to get up, go in, look at what he’s doing, and either answer a questions like “do you think this piece looks OK or should I cut a longer one?” or “how does it look?” When he’s cooking, it’s the same thing, a steady stream of “white plates or red plates? Which kind of salad dressing? Do you think this needs more garlic?” My job is 10 hours a day of people coming to me to ask me to make judgment calls and decisions, and doing more of it at home is almost more than I can take. And he gets pissy if I tell him so, no matter how I put it.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      That’s horrible! Any chance he can get another friend to monologue to while you get work done? Your need is totally valid (let me get work done and be alone in silence for a while) as is his need (I would like to monologue about random things that plop into my brain), but there’s no reason he has to endlessly monologue to you. Perhaps he could join a community theater that does Shakespeare? Lots of great soliloquies. I’m sort of joking but sort of not. He might need a hobby, so he’s not as needy.

    3. fposte*

      Silence sometimes is definitely not too much to ask. All the time is probably pushing it :-).

      Can you, when he’s not in needy mode, talk about this and identify a time when he *is* allowed to monologue to you? It sounds like it’s really important to him to be heard, which isn’t uncommon in a relationship; maybe if you had an embargoed period when you get home or something similar you wouldn’t mind so much later, and he could hold off knowing that you’d be there for him later. That also helps in that it’s the structure putting the limits in rather than you personally saying “Don’t talk to me, dammit!”

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        >it’s the structure putting the limits in rather than you personally saying “Don’t talk to me, dammit!”
        I hope to draw on this insight myself. It’s easier to stick to one’s limits (or boundaries–another word for the same thing?) when they are factual rather than emotional. Somehow facts are harder to contest than emotions.

    4. Clever Name*

      Can you have a frank conversation with him about it? It sounds like he’s demanding an insane amount of emotional labor from you. Does he give you emotional support when you need it? The “acting like a roommate not a wife” comment is troubling. Can you ask him about that specifically?

    5. annon*

      Gah, that’s annoying. And no, it’s not too much to ask. His emotional needs don’t trump yours, and it’s shitty of him to act like that.

  74. pat benetardis*

    So are co-ed high school sleepovers a thing now? My daughter went to one last night but I didn’t know it was co-ed until hours later (when I dropped off a forgotten medication). I did not go in at the drop-off because, high school, and hosts I’ve known for years. So I for one am totally fine with this particular group of kids doing this and they slept in different rooms. Some of the kids are not straight so the boy-girl thing isn’t really that relevant if you’re trying to prevent sexual contact. I’m just surprised is all. There is no way my 1980s parents would have allowed something like this.

    1. Temperance*

      They were a thing when I was in high school, and I graduated in 2001. I wasn’t allowed to attend because my parents are evangelical Christians, but I used to do it and would lie about it.

      2. RL*

        I went to high school about the same time as Temperance. Regardless of gender we all just kinda crashed on the floor wherever and no one thought much of it, but maybe we were the exception, IDK.

        1. Temperance*

          That’s exactly it! It was never about hooking up – most of my male friends were gay and the ones who weren’t were childhood friends – but my mother is one of those people that thinks that if a boy was near a girl, they wouldn’t be able to contain their hormones.

      3. Anonymous Educator*

        I used to do it and would lie about it.

        And this is why I find parents who freak out about these things to be a bit out of touch with reality. You will not prevent your kid from doing things you don’t want them to be doing. I would have loved to have gone to a co-ed sleepover in high school (early 90s)—they were not a thing then—and I guarantee you the kids I would have done this with would not have made it sexual (not that it’s wrong for high school kids to have sex). We totally would have just had fun.

        But I had friends with very strict parents who thought their kids didn’t have premarital sex and weren’t doing illegal drugs, and those kids most certainly were!

        1. Temperance*

          Honestly, my mother’s strictness and religious ridiculousness is actually what pushed me to have sex with my highschool boyfriend. I mean, FFS, she thought that tampons would make me too “loose” for my “husband” and I was 16.

          I don’t regret the choices I made, and I was largely a good kid with good grades, a part-time job, etc. You treat kids like criminals, they’re going to do bad things (or things that you might consider bad, as an overly strict parent).

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t have kids, so I’m totally shocked this is a thing. (But there are many things that shock me these days, like five-year olds with cell phones. But I don’t have kids.) My parents didn’t allow me to have a boy in my bedroom, even if it was just a friend. Which was probably a good thing because the two times they trusted me and allowed it, I totally took advantage of it.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        I’ve worked in high schools most of my adult life, and the culture has shifted so much since 20+ years ago. It’s not uncommon to find perfectly platonic friends lying in each other’s laps and being cuddly with each other (and, yes, I even worked at a school at which this was deemed appropriate to do in the public areas but not in classroom during class).

    3. Jules the First*

      We totally did coed sleepovers when I was in high school (late 90s). The only rules were that there had to be more than four attendees, all sleeping in the same room (because even the most radical teenager is not up for sex with a dozen witnesses) and no couples sleeping side by side (yes, that was awkward when I ended up between my ex and his new girlfriend and he ended up spooning me all night). Most of us had been friends since primary school though, so it was more like siblings hanging out overnight than friends.

    4. Someone else*

      It was a thing when I was in high school 15 years ago, but not planned in a way that involved the word “sleepover” if the distinction makes sense? Like so and so is having a birthday party and 10+kids attending and known and expected no one was leaving until the next day. Nothing secretive about it, but not framed like a slumber party like you might with elementary school kids.

      1. Pat Benetardis*

        Yeah, totally makes sense. I was informed that my kid was invited to host-child’s for birthday gathering and my child would be sleeping over. I knew there would be boys and not everyone was sleeping over. My kid went with an overnight bag, not sure what happened with everyone else. Ugh, teenagers. There is something new for me everyday.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      Was it a full-on sleepover or was it more of a hangout that went so late that the kids ended up crashing on couches?

      1. Pat Benetardis*

        Not sure. It was pitched to me as sleeping over plus party, but it’s not like we received an invitation with cake and balloons calling it a slumber party :). My 13 year old still gives and receives written invitations but the older kids not so much.

    6. SL #2*

      I’ve done it a couple times in high school (2006-2010). The first time was our friend’s birthday party, and one of our best friends was a guy, so we couldn’t exclude him without feeling awful about it. My friend’s parents and his parents were also cool with it, so there wasn’t any drama.

      The 2nd time was the night after prom, same friend’s house, and a couple of our ‘dates’ stayed over too. I think what made it okay in the parents’ eyes was that none of us were in relationships with each other and were very clear about no secret feelings either, and one of them wasn’t straight.

    7. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

      Late comment so I doubt anyone will see it, but as the mother of a young boy, I’m HORRIFIED at the thought of coed sleepovers in high school.

      As a former high schooler, I remember that, oh yeah, I hosted several. Sure there was some rather innocent make-outs or what not at one party, but it was New Year’s Eve and I lived in the middle of nowhere, so we spread out the party with about a dozen kids across acres of land – typical backyard, river, orchards, and foothills/pasture. Typically it was just us crashing in the living room watching horror movies and gossiping.

  75. Just Another Worker Bee*

    OK What do I do here? My son plays hockey and sometimes hockey practice starts at 5 am (ugh). So this morning we stop at a fast food place at 415 a.m. and there are 4 people, a woman and 3 guys..all of whom had been drinking; harassing the two employees at this fast food place. They are demanding to see their green card! (Who knows if they are citizens or not, it’s really no ones business) It turns out the woman is the daughter of the owner of my company. She is 25 or so and holds the title of “office manager” although there is a “team leader” who does most of the day to day management. Anyways she is drunk and harassing the Latino employees calling them “illegals” and far worse. The police had already been called and arrived about 5 minutes after we did, and persuade them all to order Uber rides and leave. Now about 11:30 a.m.; I get a text from this woman. She wants to meet with me first thing when I get to the office on Monday. I do not report to her, I report to a sales manager, and occasionally directly to the owner. How do I answer this text? Do I meet with her? Do I go straight to her father? Do I get my resume ready? How do I handle this?

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      I think you could alert your manager about the meeting under the guise of “looping her in.” In a less loaded scenario, I would absolutely mention it to my supervisor if I was being called in for a meeting with someone outside of the department, if only to explain why I was missing from my desk at 11.30.

    2. Pat Benetardis*

      I assume that she is mortified and is going to make excuses and apologies and beg you to overlook her awful behavior and not tell anyone what a jerk she is. NOw I really want to know, please let us know what happens.

      1. Just Another Worker Bee*

        That’s what I am thinking is going to happen, although I think the only thing she is mortified of is being seen.

      2. SaltWater*

        My first thought was that she is going to try and justify her actions rather than apologize. She’s 25, a nepotism hire, and has a title but either can’t or won’t do the job: screams ‘entitled’ to me.

        If you think ignoring the text would be worse than responding, say ‘Sure, see you about 8:00.’ (I wouldn’t start out talking to her father.)

        I’d prepare for either scenario with some platitudes. For the mortified apology something like ‘We all have our off days.’ For the justification, ‘I’ve never thought about it like that.’ Vague non-agreement, but nothing confrontational if you fear retaliation.

        Yes on telling your manager. You could also have another meeting on the calendar shortly after the office manager meeting, so have only a few minutes with her right after you get in. (Could make it a meeting with your manager to let her know how it went.)

  76. Alinea*

    My 65 year old dad asked me for stylish light jacket options for a trip to Rome in a few weeks. I was leaning towards a bomber, but IDK. I also found a cool safari jacket but its sold ou. Any other suggestions?

    My dad is looking to redo his wardrobe in general. I found a GQ article for how to dress in your 60s and it seems like a good place to start but it’s a few years old. Any stylish 60 year old men I can google? George Clooney is a decade younger, but he might be a good place to start.

    1. SL #2*

      I am a huge proponent of the puffy down vest that Uniqlo sells, if styled correctly. My parents are both in their early 60s and adore them, as do I. The easiest way to make them look stylish is wearing a button-down, or at least a long-sleeved shirt, under them.

  77. Gaia*

    Weekly Weight Loss Update!

    I’m down 17.5lbs so far. This week I didn’t do so awesome. I didn’t give in to sugar and junk food but my meals were not well balanced and I really felt it. I skipped a few workouts and just kind of felt blah. Stress at work got to me. I’m regrouping and starting this new week off strong!

    I also, for the first time, dealt with an incredibly rude and hurtful person at the gym. Look, I know I’m fat. I know I can’t move as quickly as some folks can. But I’m trying. And I’m seeing success. And I feel really good about that. So why he felt the need to look me up and down, roll his eyes and nudge his friend and whisper/shout “who is she kidding?” I’ll never know. At least his friend had the humanity to look at him horrified. But I couldn’t help feeling judged so I just left. Which I hate. I wasn’t done working out and I had been feeling so good.

    Today starts week 4! I’m down to 310.2lbs. My first goal I set myself was to be back under 300 so I’m really close. I think, if I get my diet back to balance I think I could see that in the next few weeks. I’ve got a long way to go, but this feels really good.

    1. Jules the First*

      Yay you! I’m so impressed by the way you’re being so positive and proactive in this…and gym guy is an ass who deserves to drop his next dumbbell on his big toe.

    3. Anono-me*

      Wow. I am impressed with what you have accomplished. It is amazing. Look at what you just wrote and think about how impressed you would be if someone else accomplished all that.

      I hope you consider saying something to the gym about the other person’s conduct. It’s bad behavior that shouldn’t be tolerated on basic decency and smart business grounds.

      1. Gaia*

        It is the gym at my apartment. Unfortunately I don’t know who he was otherwise I would. I really beat myself up that night for leaving and not saying anything but in the end I think it was the better choice. I don’t think I’d have changed his mind and I likely wouldn’t have been able to stay calm.

        Thank you all for your kind words. The only other person I talk to about these efforts is my best friend and as I’ve said before she is so supportive but she really cannot understand. She has never struggled with her weight (she is naturally thin but also just naturally very active). While I know she is excited for me it is hard to explain why I really can’t just go out to the bar with friends this weekend because I cannot afford the empty calories and I don’t think I have the self control yet to turn them down, etc.

    4. annon*

      Good for you! And boo on that jackass. I hate the trap us fat people get put in, where we’re judged for not exercising (because that’s totally the only possible reason someone might be fat), but when we do get out and exercise we’re shamed for, what, not instantly dropping the weight and gaining perfectly-chiseled muscles?

      I’ve got nothing useful to say, just commiseration and congratulations. For what it’s worth, you and some of the other people posting about getting fit/healthy are inspiring me to get back on track with my own health goals. I just … heard too many stories about how getting healthy fails, how it’ll never work for fat, lazy me, and stupidly believed them, I guess.

      1. Gaia*

        Look, I’ve heard it too. And you know what? Sometimes it does fail. And sometimes I am lazy. But one day I just decided it wasn’t going to fail this time and I’m not going to be lazy anymore. And it isn’t just eating better and exercising. I sucked it up and I went to my doctor and I told them I needed something to help me because eating better and exercising didn’t work for me before. It always failed (because I have issued with eating, and couldn’t rely on will power). So, I’m taking phentermine. Not long term, but just to develop the good habits, break the old bad habits and get myself propelled forward. Maybe that is an option for others, maybe it isn’t. But it is for me.

        You should do what makes you feel good. I started with just a walk one morning. Just 1 mile. It took me nearly 30 minutes. I’m not much faster now, but I’m seeing little successes. I’ve lost some weight, some clothes that were getting to tight fit better now. But you know what else? I’m sleeping through the night. My mind is clearer. I feel good.

        You can do it, you can be successful. It is going to suck sometimes and it is not always going to seem like it is working, but keep at it. We’ve got this :)

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Wheee! The more you do it the easier it gets (walking). I really notice when I skip too many times–the next one is hard.

          Don’t let Gym Jerk keep you from using the gym. If he does it again, just imagine me giving him a virtual skate kicking right in the goolies and laugh. He won’t know what you’re laughing at and it will drive him crazy, haha.

          Okay, I might just be a little bit evil. >:)

  78. Goodbye to all that*

    My husband and I live in New York City and have been talking about leaving for years. He’s been here his whole life, I’ve been here more than a decade, and we’re done – it’s expensive, it’s crowded, our friends are leaving in droves, and we want to be somewhere a bit smaller, more affordable, quieter, and where we can settle down and begin a family.

    Our ideal city would be affordable (2 bed house with yard in a “streetcar suburb” like Brookline is to Boston, or Park Slope in Brooklyn, for under $350k), walkable, good transit (ideally we can take public transit to work, and can share one car when needed) easy access to nature, but still enough city to find jobs and have stuff to do.

    His family lives out of the country, mine is in the Northeast. I like the idea of being driving distance to family, but don’t want to go back to my hometown.

    Jobs are a lesser concern – I’m an architect at a large company with locations in (most) major US cities, he’s a front end developer who. An work remotely while we figure things out.

    I’m getting really frustrated trying I find a place we both like and fits our criteria. He’s in love with Austin, and we’re going to see it next month but I’m super wary – I hate heat and it’s also really car centric.

    What do you do if one partner likes city A and the other hates it?

    Any suggestions of places to consider?

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      If jobs are really a lesser concern, I would highly recommend the Providence/Pawtucket area in Rhode Island. Very affordable, quiet, interesting (great food), has nice people. It’s not too far from Boston if there’s something interesting in Boston you want to see (about an hour by commuter rail), like a show.

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      I think you and your husband should take time to really hash out the car issue. Outside of NYC, Boston, maaaaybe Philly and Chicago, every city is going to be way more car-centric than a New Yorker is immediately comfortable with. Austin isn’t more car-centric than 99% of the cities in the country. The Boston area can be more expensive than NYC, and I wouldn’t want to deal with the Boston subway system once kids were in the picture. Or ever, really. Try depending on the Boston subway when you want something to be angry at.

      I’m not trying to piss on your parade! However, I think you should consider adjusting your expectations when it comes to convenient and accessible public transportation in any city besides NYC. Think of all the places that you might need to take your kids on a daily basis; your emergency shared car just might be getting daily use even if you’re able to take public transit to work. This has been a tl;dr way of saying that I don’t think the car issue should limit where you decide to live. You don’t want to move to your 4th favorite city because of the car stuff and then realize later on that you’ll end up doing a lot of driving anyway. Might as well move to the city you like better.

      But anyway. There are a lot of cool artsy towns in NJ with walkable downtown areas, and it’s common for people in NJ to commute into NYC for work.

      Have you looked into any exurbs? I’m so fascinated by them. Apparently they’re pop-up towns in NJ and New York state populated almost exclusively by people who work in NYC. There’s a bus or a shuttle to the closest train/bus/PATH into the city. The downside is that there isn’t much to do in an exurb. They’re basically just a quiet place to sleep for people who still want to maintain access to the city.

    3. miyeritari*

      If you don’t like heat, don’t move to Texas. My friends are reporting it’s 90 there in September.

      I live in SF, which has a lot of the similar problems as NYC (loud, expensive, grimy). I’ve thought a lot about moving to Denver, which is chilly, a big enough city to support culture and with a lot of local sports teams (i’m very into sports), and slightly more cost-effective. But I think you’ll have a lot of trouble finding a place where a car is as unnecessary as it is in NYC, and it’s important to have important expectations about that.

      All you can do if one person likes a city and one person doesn’t is decide whether you’re going to stay or not – given you’re two different humans beings, it’s completely possible you feel different ways about a place. If you’re job-flexible, you could always just say ‘I don’t love City X, but let’s see how we both feel in a year.’ Moving to a new place is a huge thing, so how you feel on day one or month one probably won’t reflect your long-term feelings.

      Good luck!

    4. annon*

      If you don’t like heat, that rules out a surprisingly large chunk of the country, so you might want to consider what you mean by that and what kind/level of heat you’re willing to tolerate. People don’t generally think of the Mid-Atlantic as hot, for example, but it regularly hits 90+ in the summer, and it’s 6pm in late September and over 80 where my friend is right now in Delaware. Humid heat often feels worse than dry heat, for what it’s worth.

      I am pretty sure everywhere in the US is more car-centric than NYC. I will say that, as someone who doesn’t drive, I have lived several places around the country and still not had too much of an issue, as long as I was willing to modify my own schedule to fit sometimes-crappy public transport, was willing to walk on sidewalk-less roads, or was willing to be flexible when it came to what I wanted to do/where I wanted to eat/etc. The single biggest factor is really going to be where your house is in relation to public transport, because in my experience you will usually find places to go to get what you need near enough to a line, as long as you aren’t required to go to a very specific place. (Meaning, you need to get your glasses fixed, not you need to get your glasses fixed at this specific location, which can sometimes be a problem.) If you aren’t that worried about jobs you can often find jobs accessible by public transport/walking even when it’s not the best system. If you can afford Uber/cabs or are willing to rent a car if you need to, that gives you way more flexibility.

      It’s entirely doable to live without a car outside NYC, it just might require some tradeoffs. I would really strongly consider what tradeoffs you’re willing to make and what you aren’t.

      If one person likes a city and the other hates it, talk it out, of course, but I’d strongly suggest just dropping it from consideration, or at least dropping it way down. I assume you don’t particularly want to move somewhere only for one of you to be completely miserable; I’d think both of you would have a full veto. I’d also suggest having a serious and detailed conversation about what you each cannot stand, what you each must have, and what things you like but are willing to live without/dislike but can put up with. And think about those tradeoffs – are you willing to put up with a weird bus route to the city for a cheaper house, or are you willing to pay more for something with faster/easier access to the city center? If it’s got decent public transport but no sidewalks in the neighborhood, is that a deal-breaker? How long a ride are you willing to put up with? (A lot of city bus systems I’ve encountered in the US run on a once-an-hour schedule.) Etc. Start with the list of where your company has offices and winnow from there.

      Also, when you do check out a new city, remember it’s going to feel weird for a while until you do get used to its rhythms and patterns, and also to what is or is not available to you there. It takes me at least a few months to feel really settled in a new place, and I find that I am often really annoyed at lots of stuff for the first ~6 weeks. So it’s worth asking yourself if the things annoying you when you visit are really things you couldn’t stand, or if they’re things you could, with time, adjust to.

      I still love the DC area and I’d go back in a heartbeat if I could, but I haven’t checked housing prices there for a while. I lived there for over a decade, and I have never owned a car, and it was fine, though not always convenient to get around. I could get most places I needed or wanted to go pretty easily, though some of the routes were weird and I ended up getting in a lot of reading time on the buses. It’s pretty well connected via railways to other cities, too, and you could actually live pretty far outside DC and still get to it pretty easily without a car. It’s also pretty damn muggy in the summer, though, often into the fall.

    5. LadyKelvin*

      Pittsburgh! Great job market, very low COL lots of fabulous outdoors things to do, but still big enough to have city things to do. Also, it’s still pretty close to the northeast, and while it can get cold, the weather is no worse than NyC.

    6. Soupspoon McGee*

      I’ve always lived in the Pacific Northwest. I’m in Seattle right now, but it’s spendy, streets are not on a grid, and it really helps to have a car, though public transportation is pretty good. I’ve lived near Portland–it’s more laid back and friendly than Seattle. Again, it helps to have a car to go to the mountains or beach and for things like grocery runs, but public transportation is decent.

    7. Anonn*

      Don’t move to Austin if you don’t like the heat. Hot in Texas is a completely different beast from hot in NYC – the heat index is usually a good 10+ degrees over the actual temperature because it is so humid. So 80s feels like the 90s do in the northeast, 90s feel like the low 100s, and the 100s are not just unbearable but actually dangerous. And it stays hot by northern standards from about May through the end of September.

    8. TL -*

      Austin is super hot but very cool, very chill – you can live in the city and still not feel like you’re living in the city.
      In terms of car culture, it is less car-centric than you might think – you can survive without a car as long as you don’t want to leave downtown, plenty of people bike, a decent number walk, and they’re trying to up their transit game. But if you live in the suburbs, you will have to drive in.

      It’s super hot – summer is May to September; winter is mid-December through February. There’s a ton of stuff to do and it’s much cheaper than NYC. However, it is the fast-growing urban region in the country, the traffic has long outgrown the roadway system and is *awful*, and a lot of access to places w/o a car depend on where you live.

      If it’s really important to you to live without heavily relying on your car, Boston is probably your best bet after NYC. Public transit is decent and affordable though I agree that you rarely see families with young kids on the T. Quincy is probably close to your price range, right on the red line so you can take public transit into work, and just separate enough to not feel like a big city. (There’s also living out on the commuter rails but you generally do have to drive to the T station.)

      You should probably compile a top-3 list of what your must-haves and dealbreakers and then each of you can “campaign” for the cities you’d like, from the options available. IE, if your husband really wants Austin, he might be able to find a neighbourhood that is right on the metrorail/bus system and can lessen your reliance on cars.

    9. Goodbye to all that*

      Thanks for the suggestions all! I’ll try to keep an open mind about Austin, and look into Philly, Providence, and Pittsburgh. Seattle is still on the list too!
      I like the idea of each listing out our top concerns and wants in a new city, and discussing our “musts” vs “wants”.
      To clarify the transit issue – I think I meant walkability.
      I know that no where will equal NYC’s transit system, but we’ll have one car between the two of us, so we will need some kind of alternative way to get around – maybe one person drops the other at work or a transit stop on their way.
      I’m more concerned about needing a car to do EVERYTHING, I’d like to get to basic sundries (a restaurant, a park, grocery store) without a car.
      As for heat…. I get REALLY unhappy in the few super hot, steamy, and sweaty days we have in NYC. I suppose I could eventually get used to it, but a hot steamy city would really have to wow me in a lot of other ways.

  79. Nervous Accountant*

    Hi all. Any book recommendations? I’m looking for the Gone girl type. I’ve read Mary kubica, GF, and Paula Hawkins. I really hated the last book I read (the good neighbor)…any more book suggestions?

    1. caledonia*

      Erin Kelly’s new one, He said/She said. The Widow and The Child by Fiona Barton. Yesterday by Felicia Yap is a hsort of sci-fi-y psychological thriller. Good me, Bad me by Ali Land. Peter Swanson’s books.

  80. Jules the First*

    Any balcony gardeners out there? Where do you keep your tools/extra pots/overflow potting soil/etc?

    (Or am I the only one pathologically incapable of buying the right size pot and exactly enough soil to fill it?)

    1. Jean (just Jean) with another comment re Intentional Living*

      Nice to meet someone else online with this interest. I’m not exactly a balcony gardener but still working in limited space (a foot-wide, four-feet long console sort of table under a windowsill and a small strip of land in a community garden): I keep my tools in the car trunk or a closet and my potting soil either in a plastic bag on the kitchen floor or on the ground in my small garden. Neither is ideal.
      Does your climate allow you to keep plants outside year-round or do you have to bring everything in at the end of the outdoor growing season?
      How do you grow basil? I’d love to keep some in a pot over the winter but the apartment is either hot and dry or cold and dry or cold and chilly. Again, not ideal.

      2. Jules the First*

        I can keep most things outside year round, as long as I’m careful what I plant. If we do get a couple of chilly days, I move stuff to sit against the balcony windows, where it’s a bit warmer. I’m blessed (cursed?) with full sun all day, so things stay pretty toasty on the balcony. The really delicate stuff (looking at you, basil!) comes inside about now and spends the winter on the window ledge in the sun or gets harvested to be reincarnated next spring.

        Basil is tricky to grow indoors – it likes to be dry-footed and cosy but eventually you have to let it go otherwise the leaves get bitter and not so nice. It will cope ok with cooler weather as long as the change is not abrupt, but it does need plenty of sun (and getting enough sun can be hard if you’re northerly enough to need to bring it indoors to begin with). I’ve had better luck growing a bunch of plants in a deep pot than trying to coax it along in small individual pots. Over the winter you can try doing it hydroponically, but I’ve decided to just treat it as a seasonal treat and I tend to grow a ton of it all summer outdoors, then puree and freeze it when the cold hits.

        I’m planning to experiment with a tulip lasagne this year (not edible!) in hopes of getting some early spring colour…never done tulips before!

    2. anon24*

      I buy my potting soil in bags, cut a small hole in the top, and then put the bag with the leftover soil in the corner of my balcony. I also have an extra few pots from plants that have died that I have stacked together with my little gardening shovel inside, and I have them shoved in another corner. We aren’t supposed to use our balcony’s as “storage” but I figure no one is going to complain about my bag of potting soil and my empty pots. (I also have a broom standing up in the corner with my potting soil) It really doesn’t look that bad, the focus is on my plants and my furniture, not my extras.

    3. SophieChotek*

      I’m sorry the first time I read this…I thought you wrote “baloney gardeners” and I was like…”what…?” or “how does one plant baloney…?”

    4. Chaordic One*

      When I did this I bought a Rubbermaid Outdoor Vertical Storage Shed. It was made out of plastic, and was about 6′ tall x 2′ wide x 2′ deep. I had to put shelves in it, but it looked O.K. sitting out there on the balcony. I was on the second floor, but if you were on the first you could put a padlock on it. I’m sure you could google it and find something like it online or on Amazon. Or in the garden section of a store like Target or WalMart.

  81. Ricky*

    I could use some book recommendations.
    I was an avid reader as a kid – I devoured books, at least a dozen a week – who fell out of the reading habit as an adult. Jobs, life, etc.
    I love Harry Potter with all of my heart. YA dystopian seems to be a sweet spot for me – Hunger Games, Divergent, etc, all kept my complete and undivided attention. But I’m having a hard time finding other books to read. I checked a couple out of the library and never finished any of them. They didn’t intrigue me the same way – that ‘I need to stay up late and finish reading this chapter’ way. And I’m not sure what’s missing. :( I miss reading.

    1. purple snowdrop*

      Sabriel, Lirael and Abhorsen by Garth Brooks.
      His Dark Materials trilogy, if you’ve not read them.
      Any good?

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      Have you read Wonderstruck by Brian S(???)? It’s a lovely graphic novel that completely defies the graphic novel genre. It’s one of the most beautiful books I’ve ever read. The movie is coming out soon.

    4. all aboard the anon train*

      I really enjoyed the Gemma Doyle series by Libba Bray when I was in high school – and even when I reread them as an adult. I was recommended them based on my love of Harry Potter, but my desire for more YA fantasy with female characters.

      It’s YA historical fantasy with mostly female characters as well as an interracial relationship and a queer female relationship, two things which are practically unheard of in historical fiction (and a lot of YA or fantasy, but you see it less in historical fiction).

      They’re pretty quick reads. I got through each book in a couple hours.

    5. Cruciatus*

      What did you read and not enjoy? That might narrow it down for me. I read a long of YA–though not just dystopian stuff. But I don’t really recommend The Fifth Wave trilogy. It started strong and by the end I thought all the characters were acting stupidly or just completely out of character).

      I love, love, love Pendragon by DJ MacHale. They were being published roughly around the same time as Harry Potter so I always had one series or the other to look forward to one year to the next! (And a plus–all of them are out now so you wouldn’t have to wait for a book to come out!)

      And I also enjoyed the Abhorsen series mentioned above (but it’s by Garth Nix, not Brooks!). I liked His Dark Materials but if you are super pro-Catholic/religious you will likely not like them. And I find it hard to believe they were YA because I read them in my 20s and still had difficulty with them (and I’ve always been a strong reader. It wasn’t the words per se, more the “what the hell is actually happening right now!?” type thing with the allegories and parallels to religion).

    7. OtterB*

      I often like YA but do not usually like dystopian, so take my recommendations with a grain of salt. But things I like most of what I’ve read recently (all fantasy or science fiction): The Goblin Emperor, by Katherine Addison. Anything by Martha Wells – you might try her Raksura series, which begins with The Cloud Roads, and is a secondary world fantasy with flying shapeshifting characters and a character trying to find where he belongs. Or her novella Murderbot: All Systems Red which is the beginning of a series about a human/artificial intelligence hybrid security unit who does his job of protecting exploring scientists but would really rather be watching his downloaded soap operas. Or The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet, by Becky Chambers.

    8. Overeducated*

      I read Lilith’s Brood (trilogy) by Octavia Butler and it hit a similar note to that sort of YA fiction. Also Who Fears Death by Nnedi Okorafor and Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie.

    10. katamia*

      Try Derek Landy’s Skulduggery Pleasant books. They’re very similar to Harry Potter in tone. The last few books are difficult to find in the US if that’s where you are, though. (Which reminds me, now that I’m in the UK I should reread the ones I’ve already read and read the ones I never found.)

      You might also like Richelle Mead’s Vampire Academy books.

    11. Courtney*

      I just read an entire book series in a weekend because I was so “need to find out what happens!!” about it. The Selection, it’s a YA dystopian also. My favorite series are Harry Potter and Divergent so our tastes seem to be somewhat similar.

    12. Loopy*

      Check out Victoria Schwab! She writes under that name and V.E Schwab. Her Shades of Magic series gets tons of comparisons to Harry Potter (it’s adult though) and I HIGHLY recommend it.

    13. Book Lover*

      I feel like I always recommend the same, but anything by Ilona Andrews, Patricia Briggs, Seanan McGuire, Naomi Novik, Ben Aaronovitch

    14. Anonymous Educator*

      Recommending When We Wake by Karen Healey. It’s lesser known but totally fits in the YA dystopian fiction genre.

    15. tigerStripes*

      Diana Wynne Jones – the books are usually in the YA age range. They’re not dystopian, but they tend to have surprising twists and are in the sci fi/fantasy genre.

  82. Never Nicky*

    Had a good couple of weeks – finally exchanged contracts for our house and we have a moving date.

    And on Monday, a health resource I wrote won a prestigious national prize.

    I’ve been told from childhood I “should” be a writer and it looks like I might have found my niche (I was shortlisted last year for another project).

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I don’t suppose you’re in the UK and talking about some awards beginning with B? Let’s just say my team might’ve been there.

      If so, I’d recommend joining PiF for networking and opportunities.

      1. Never Nicky*

        Yes to both Ramona.

        I’ve been to several PiF events as a participant, will be presenting at a forthcoming one.

  83. all aboard the anon train*

    Does anyone ever feel guilty for using delivery app services? I don’t use things like Instacart or Postmates every week, but I always feel super guilty the rare times I do use them. Like I’m wasting my money or being lazy because I don’t want to take the time to go pick up takeout or groceries. I always find myself trying to justify using these apps and spending the sometimes stupidly high delivery fee.

    But I feel the same sense of guilt sometimes when I buy pre-shredded cabbage at the grocery store instead of buying the cheaper whole cabbage and shredding it myself. And now that I’m writing this, I don’t know if guilt is the right word for it, but it still gives me a weird feeling for spending money on things I know would be cheaper to take the time to do myself.

    1. periwinkle*

      You are exchanging money for goods & services. You are contributing to the wages of the Instacart or Postmates or Uber Eats employee/contractor. It’s their job to pick up food and deliver it, and you using the service means they earn money. There is no need to feel guilty!

      Yeah, you could get dressed and go pick up your own Thai food. Yeah, you can spend the time to shred the cabbage yourself. I know I can buy whole lettuce heads for less than a bag of pre-washed, pre-chopped butter lettuce. I also know that I’m more likely to grab a big handful of the prepped lettuce than take the time to wash, trim, and chop the lettuce head. I’m paying for convenience and I’m fine with that because in return I’m eating healthier food and wasting fewer vegetables that I never got around to prepping.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I don’t feel guilty, no, because sometimes getting food delivered is the only way I’m going to eat a meal and if that’s the best I can do then that’s okay.

      It might be an idea to work out why you feel differently – do you know where it stems from?

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        I think it was growing up in a family on a budget and the general sense that paying for someone to bring you stuff was something only rich upper middle class people did. Because why spend $10 on delivery when you could spend that $10 on food instead?

        I certainly don’t have the money to get groceries delivered every week, so I guess when I do get them delivered instead of going to the store, I feel like I’m wasting that money. The more I think of it, I think my guilt is from my childhood and knowing that delivery was a luxury, and now that I occasionally have money for it I feel like I should save that money for something more useful.

        1. annon*

          Well, it’s not just the money spent on food you have to consider in that scenario, though – it’s the money you would’ve spent on transport (whether that’s bus fare or gas/other costs for a car), plus the time you save. It might still be more cost-effective to go get your own groceries or whatever, but in my experience it’s often not quite as dramatic a difference as people think, and when you factor in convenience/stress relief you might quite reasonably count a delivery as savings.

          In my case, getting things delivered saves me the hassle and stress of carrying my groceries on a bus, plus the time of getting there/shopping/getting back, and then I can use that time for other things, like work.

          But that’s often the tradeoff: you can save your money and spend your time, or save your time and spend your money.

    3. annon*

      Not generally. The only time I felt weird was the one time I bought pre-peeled hardboiled eggs, but I needed lunch.

      Then again, I don’t drive, and it’s often easier for me to get all sorts of things delivered than it is for me to take public transport to the grocery store and back. I can, and have, especially for things I can’t get delivered, but I am generally all in favor of people bringing things to my doorstep.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      For the second paragraph, I think of it in terms of being honest with myself. Buying bagged salad kits is kinda dumb, but it’s the only way I’ll realistically eat any greens and it’s still cheaper than getting a Panera salad. If you bought the whole cabbage, would you get around to shredding it before it went bad, or would you procrastinate and end up throwing out a rotten cabbage? That’s more wasteful than buying a bag of shredded cabbage. It’s not wasting money to buy stuff that you know you’ll eat.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        I would shred the cabbage, but it’s more than I need a lot of shredded cabbage for a recipe and don’t want to spend two hours shredding it all when I can just buy a few bags and save myself the prep time. But it’s a $2 difference for each cabbage/bag and I guess I’m just feeling like it’s a waste of money for something I have done before and just don’t feel like doing at the moment.

    5. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Frequent user of delivery services here! And I do sometimes wonder if I’m spending too much money on them, but I think it’s like anything else in that regard — you could also wonder if you’re spending too much on clothes or going out or llama grooming kits or whatever. I think it’s reasonable to ask yourself about it from a budget perspective and whether your spending habits in this area are in line with what you want from your budget overall, but I think the guilt element of it is problematic.

      If it’s just the idea of spending money on things that would be cheaper to do yourself … We do that in lots of areas that we don’t question, simply because we’re used to those: buying clothes vs. making them, buying vegetables from the store vs. growing your own, even renting a movie versus putting on a play with your friends. Those probably don’t feel decadent to you because you’re used to them. Services like Instacart and Postmates are new, so we don’t have the benefit of being used to them, and so it’s easier to see them as decadent. (On the other hand, grocery delivery used to be a thing many decades ago and I assume people didn’t see it as decadent then. Although perhaps there wasn’t a fee? I don’t know.)

      Anyway, I think it’s really about deciding if these fit in your budget and if you’re okay paying that amount for the time savings or the enjoyment that not having to shop for and prepare food brings you. It’s just as okay to decide you want to do that as it is to spend an equivalent amount of money on paint ball or happy hours or whatever. (I do think, though, that it’s important to be thoughtful about making sure you really are okay with the expense, because otherwise it would be easy to spend a ton of money on it unintentionally. But no guilt is required!)

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        Actually growing up my mum did make our clothes and grow vegetables in the garden/orchard and I’m pretty big on downloading movies or borrowing DVDs from the library instead of renting them, so I think you’ve inadvertently figured out part of my issue with spending money on delivery. It took me until college to start being comfortable with spending money on clothes at the store.

        I think, as SL #2 describes below, it was growing up with parents who instilled a sense of frugality due to necessity and that’s just sort of stuck, especially in this age where so many services are out there for convenience but at the cost of higher prices.

        1. SL #2*

          Yep, how you grow up has a lot to do with it. We struggled when I was a small child (me, two elderly grandparents, only 1 working parent), but I definitely remember our circumstances getting better as I went into middle school, and by high school, we were doing well but my parents were very much of the “save everything you can” mentality. They still are now! Which is a struggle because they’re not getting any younger and I have the financial means to afford those delivery services and whatnot for them to make their lives easier, but they still gripe about it.

          Just last week, I was out of town on a business trip and they couldn’t get a ride to the airport shuttle 2 blocks from my office with me, so I called them an Uber from my conference hotel. They couldn’t believe the convenience of it… but also immediately asked me how much it was because they could’ve gotten on the local light rail to get to the shuttle stop, etc. and I was like oh my god you guys.

    6. SL #2*

      My parents instilled this weird sense of guilt/paranoia in me for using delivery services. “Why would you give a stranger your address? Don’t you know they can keep your address and come back to rob the house when you’re not home?” “Why would you spend the money for a delivery fee if you can go pick up your pizza yourself? It’s not that far!” And similarly, why would I buy salad mixes when I could just buy each ingredient individually and chop the lettuce myself, etc.

      It took a long time (and a couple years in college) before I got over it. Yes, things are cheaper if you do it yourself. But I could write another page in my final thesis in the time it would take for me to pick up the pizza or chop the lettuce myself for the whole week. It’s similar to why companies hire admins to schedule and book travel rather than making the CEO do it himself. It’s efficient and ideal division of labor over the “cheaper way.”

    7. Temperance*

      I do sometimes. I grew up poor, and ordering delivery food (or having a landscaper, or a housekeeper, etc.) was just Not Done and was something for rich people. After all, you could save $5 on a food order, only horrible people don’t lean their own homes, etc..

      Booth encouraged me to start using this stuff and to get over my hangups, because we have more money than time. I still feel a tiny bit guilty, but well, feeling guilty while having food and a clean house is vastly preferable to feeling guilty that I can’t keep my house clean and cupboards full.

    8. Essie*

      Unit price isn’t always true price. It IS cheaper to shread lettuce myself–but I won’t do it, so that cheaper lettuce turns to sludge and gets thrown away. The more expensive pre-washed lettuce is in truth the cheaper choice, because I use it.

      For the past month, I have been berating myself to drive to town and buy new pillows, because ordering them online seems ridiculous when I could just hop in the car and go to Big Box Store myself. I hate driving into the city, so I haven’t done it. If I had just ordered the damned pillows, I’d have avoided three weeks of neck pain by now.

    9. AnonAndOn*

      No. When I had the income for it I had no problem using grocery delivery services. Because it’s just me with no car I’d often end up lugging groceries home on public transportation which was no fun. I’m currently unemployed so I can’t afford grocery delivery at the moment, but since I live walking distance from a few grocery stores I can manage to grab a few items from the store to take home whenever I need it. As for pre-cut items, I have no problem with that either. I’m horrible with chopping so if something’s pre-made/pre-cut I’ll grab it in a heartbeat…especially if it’s onions since I hate chopping onions.

      1. AnonAndOn*

        I currently live nearer to grocery stores than I did when I could afford grocery delivery services, to clarify.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Misplaced guilt?
      It is possible to feel guilty over one thing and the actual thing that is bothersome is totally unrelated thing.

      Perhaps you are having five Starbucks coffees a day and feel that is not negotiable. These coffees MUST happen. So instead of feeling guilty about the coffees what comes to mind is the delivery service. Having too many not-negotiables can bring on guilt eventually, too.

      You could look to see if there is any other cost in your life right now that is not useful to you. Perhaps eliminating that cost would give a better sense of balance to this picture.

  84. Amadeo*

    I made two batches of soap yesterday and cut them this morning. I won’t share one of them because it’s in an ugly duckling stage. It’s got a fragrance in it that’s going to turn dark and right now it just kind of looks like cheese with a rind, LOL.

    https://image.ibb.co/f42xZQ/21687951_10213795443177225_935035564846292707_n.jpg
    https://image.ibb.co/jXY4EQ/21762011_10213795443297228_2321792145199031338_n.jpg
    https://image.ibb.co/bzR215/21762189_10213795443097223_6384752710653500322_n.jpg
    This one though is for my niece and nephews’ stockings. It smells like fruit loops and glows in the dark! I am totally fascinated by this glow powder.

      1. Amadeo*

        I think I’m going to start one, but right now it’s just a hobby/I’ve got nothing official going. Basically at the moment if someone says they want a bar, I’ll give them one for some money and just keep my family furnished in soap, but no website/official business.

        1. AnonAndOn*

          Whatever you choose to do with it will be great. It’s cool that you know how to make those neat soaps! I wish I could smell them, but we’re nowhere near having Smell-O-Vision yet. LOL

          1. Amadeo*

            Well, if you stuck your nose in a box of Froot Loops and looked at a picture of this rainbow glowy soap, it’d be pretty close to sniffing the bar, LOL.

      1. Amadeo*

        The swirl pattern? I’ve done similar before. It’s not likely I’ll do something so colorful on any kind of regular basis because it’s such a pain in the behind. The most colors I tend to use with any regularity is 3; 6 was up there.

        The soap itself? I’ve been soaping for about two years now. I can formulate my own recipes and have been nearly since I started. The first batch I ever made was one I got from a reputable soaping blog and I just branched out from there. I’ve had a lot of help from a forum community too, though.

  85. AnonAndOn*

    I just heard my doorbell ringing and I wasn’t expecting anyone so I didn’t answer it. Someone finally buzzed the person in and because voices carry in this apartment I heard what happened. A woman had a delivery but left the wrong phone number and didn’t provide an apartment number for her delivery. The delivery man said he was going to press all the doorbells until he was buzzed in. The woman apologized and said she’d have the proper apartment number and phone number for next time. I peeked out the window and saw it was a pizza delivery man.

    We just got a notice from the apartment to not buzz people in at random. I remember someone posted about this issue in a past open thread. It happened in the past too, a pizza delivery woman pressing random buttons. That time I responded on the intercom and said that she had the wrong apartment. But now my responses are more like today’s response, where I don’t even respond on the intercom. If you’re not here for me then I’m not buzzing you in.

  86. AnonAndOn*

    I had my qualms about watching “The Orville” after seeing bad reviews from critics and a few comments about it here, but I wanted to form my own opinion before writing it off. The show definitely has issues (I hate the dumb humor in Seth MacFarlane’s work) but it’s not so bad where I want to write it off completely. “About A Girl,” its third episode, was the best to air so far. I hope the show improves though. I heard its ratings dropped when it switched from Sunday to Thursday.

    1. Temperance*

      I like it. I don’t love it, but I was honestly surprised that I didn’t immediately hate it, because I dislike comedies set in space. (I’m a Trekkie, but hate things like “Galaxy Quest”.)

      1. AnonAndOn*

        I’m a Trekkie and loved “Galaxy Quest.” I like spoofs. As much as I like Trek it can take itself too seriously at times and I like a fun sense of humor. At times “The Orville” has that sense of humor I like (the scene in the pilot when the science doctor they’re protecting is told to go behind security officer Alara, and the doctor replies, “Who’s Alara?”), but other times it stoops to trashy humor (Yaphet the blob alien showing how he can be compatible with human Dr. Finn…that was gross) which I don’t like.

        1. NOrville*

          Galaxy Quest was great, the Orville is grade-A awful. I have it up after the second episode. How anyone can claim this trip inherits the mantle of TNG, I dot’t understand.

          1. copy run start*

            Galaxy Quest was incredible; I wish Alan Rickman hadn’t left us so soon. I wasn’t impressed with the first two episodes of The Orville, as I’ve mentioned before… won’t beat a dead horse again. But after seeing the new Trek this evening… I have 0 interest in The Orville anymore. Discovery had more humor and wit in the first 10 minutes than the first two episodes of Orville combined. Also real, live Trek. The Orville may have stood more of a chance if it didn’t premiere right when we finally got actual Star Trek on TV again.

            And finally, what I’ve read about episode 3 of The Orville is really offputting to me as a trans person. It doesn’t seem like they’ve even bothered to figure out the difference between trans and intersex. I’d watch it, but fox.com won’t even load it for me. I’ll take it as a sign my time is better spent elsewhere.

    2. Cruciatus*

      I was probably one of those comments. And it was less that I hated it (I didn’t) and more that I just found it so bland. It’s not quite any one thing. Not quite funny enough to be a comedy. Not quite earnest enough to be dramatic. And I don’t think it’s being a blend is quite working for it yet. It’s not offensive, just blaaaaah. I’m still watching because no other shows have bumped it out of my line up yet and I thought the last episode was pretty good (and sad!). But we’ll see if I keep watching if it gets competition on my DVR soon. One good question on a forum I read at previously.tv is….why do these people from the far future make very specific 20th/21st century pop culture references!? (I get it’s for the audience in the here and now, but still…)

      1. AnonAndOn*

        Not quite funny enough to be a comedy. Not quite earnest enough to be dramatic.

        That’s one of my issues with it too. What is this show trying to be? What does it want to be when it grows up? I feel it should either be straight comedy or straight drama. It doesn’t have that perfect balance of both yet.

      2. Chaordic One*

        Yeah. It was neither fish nor fowl.

        That said, I love space comedies and parodies. I recall a very well done series of radio sketches called “Star Drek” that were pretty good many many years ago.

  87. Longtime Listener, First time Caller*

    I have two young kids who my husband and I rarely buy toys for because we already have way too many. These toys were most given to my kids either by my mother or by other family members. My reason for writing in is two-fold: I don’t want my house packed with things/to have to donate things so frequently, and I don’t want my kids to put their value in material goods.

    Most of the reason the toys are overflowing is due to my mom purchasing toys for my kids, both used and new. When I’ve talked to my mom about it, she mostly ignores me. I usually get a reply like, “They’re my grand-babies, and I’ll get them what I want.” After asking her politely to stop because my kids have so much stuff, and we don’t have room to store it, I’ve told her point-blank that I will donate/re-gift them. That helped slow some things down, but she still over-gifts every holiday and birthday. It’s actually a running joke in my family that you always know which present she gives because it’s always the largest.

    We also have a large family, and when we celebrated my son’s birthday last month, we again were overflowing with toys from all of our family members.

    We’re so lucky that we have people in our lives who love our kids and want to express that by giving presents (in addition to showing love in non-materials ways, of course), but I really want the gift-giving to stop or at least slow down. I don’t think I’ll make any more progress with my mom, but how do I tell everyone else to give only one gift or give non-material presents instead? When I tried telling people not to give me presents one Christmas, I got a lot of funny looks and some chastisement from my mother.

    Also as a note, we do rotate out toys, but I still just don’t want my closets/basement/storage room crammed with toys just waiting to be put back in the toy rotation. We also donate a lot of toys, but again, I don’t want to have to run to the donation center so frequently, and I feel bad donating toys specifically purchased for my children.

    Thanks for your help!

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      Can you return some new stuff before your kids open it and get attached? I haven’t been in a Toys R Us in about 25 years, but back in my day I would exchange my birthday gifts and pick up Goosebumps and Baby-Sitters Club books with the store credit. You’ll be glad you have that store credit saved up when it’s time to buy bikes and sports equipment. If I remember correctly, they also sell clothing and car seats.

      I would caution you against systematically and constantly getting rid of stuff that your kids actively play with. I have mild hoarding tendencies now due to my mom’s habit of donating my stuff or selling it at garage sales. She sold all my Barbies and My Little Ponies when I still wanted them. It can lead to some really messed up thinking when you get used to your beloved mother taking away the things you love and giving them to other kids. I hadn’t misbehaved so why was I being punished? Some of those toys were things I wanted for a long time and had “earned” with good grades and behavior. Grandma bought item X for me; why was Mom the one taking it away? You might be better off donating the toys that are currently out of rotation instead of re-introducing them. Don’t give them back to your kids for a short stretch of time if you intend to get rid of them right afterward.

      You could also maybe try to redirect your mother’s spending instead of trying to stop it altogether. Let her buy the expensive laptops and cars in 10 years. Would she be open to sticking the money in college funds instead of spending it on objects?

      1. Temperance*

        I would advise against this course of action if only because there are some rumors that the store might be going out of business soon.

        I do agree with your second point, though. My mother did the same thing to me, and TBH, I have developed a very unhealthy relationship with stuff as a result.

      2. SL #2*

        Yep, I have mild hoarding tendencies; I think part of it was being an only child and also the youngest on both sides of the family and never quite learning the concept of sharing, but part of it was definitely the anxiety over my parents throwing out my stuff or giving it to another kid before I was done with it. They were definitely of the “thrifty with themselves, but would give the deeds to the house over to every stranger on the street” type of people, which turned me into the opposite kind of person.

      3. tigerStripes*

        I agree that having toys taken away from them will probably influence the kids more to put a lot of interest in stuff than having too much stuff.

        For many of the relatives, maybe some suggestions of non-stuff gifts that they’d enjoy might help them.

      4. Longtime Listener, First time Caller*

        Very, very good point. I honestly hadn’t thought about how it might affect my kids having their beloved toys taken away. I should have been more clear. The ones we donate are usually the ones that are well below their age range, or they haven’t played with in several months/years.

        We also usually involve them in the process of getting rid of toys, mostly because I don’t believe cleaning a house is the sole responsibility of the parents (if I didn’t make all of the mess, why am I cleaning all of it?). So if there is a clear attachment to the item, we don’t get rid of it.

        Love the idea of where to redirect the spending. I hadn’t even thought of a college/car/other expensive item fund.

    2. Cruciatus*

      I don’t suppose you could ask your mom to put half of whatever she was going to spend into a college/future fund for the kids (because how amazing would it be to have that when they are older and know grandma helped buy books or a semester or whatever of college!) and then buy them just one thing. Or keep it from being a toy and rather an experience–maybe even one they could have with grandma (if she wants!). A trip to a zoo, Chuck E Cheese, the movies, bumper cars, putt putt. I bet the kids would love that and will remember that even more than the toy. If you talk about it in a positive way about how much the kids would like it and remember it fondly then maybe your mom would go for it.

      1. Amadeo*

        Thirding, fourthing, whatever the suggestion that you ask relatives to buy experiences instead. Trips to the zoo, an amusement park, a college fund, a movie, the beach, Disney, even. These are the things the kids will remember more and treasure far longer than toys. Speaking from experience.

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I can relate! My daughter is the only grandchild on both sides and she has great aunts and uncles as well who would send a gift every holiday.

      Can you encourage them to give experiences instead of things? My mom gives me a check every year that I apply towards camps and outings. And my nieces got tickets to a show and a sleepover at grandpa’s last Christmas. That grandpa also gave each grandchild a sum of money to donate to a charity.

      Another thing is to encourage gifts for extensions to toys your kids already have. I found with my daughter that a small addition to her Lego collection or American Girl doll accessories would rekindle an interest in those toys that would last for months. So much better than the Polly Pony Petshop crap! If anyone lives near a Lego store, you can fill a bucket with novelty pieces for $8-15 and American Girl has an awesome cyber Monday sale. Art supplies are another great gift to encourage.

      I’ll tell you, it does die down after a few years. It’s fun to buy toys for little kids. But as my daughter had gotten older, more of the distant relatives have stopped shipping gifts and only give something when they see her. Now she’s 15 and it’s only her grandparents who give her something every Christmas and birthday and it’s all books and cash.

    4. Book Lover*

      I would be honest with people you are close to – ask for craft supplies, membership to local children’s museum, books (you can always donate duplicates). If people don’t listen or if you are not able to be honest with them and they do give physical gifts, let the kids play with them and then donate them (women’s shelters, etc), or return them for credit if convenient.
      I am always happy to have more books and crafting stuff, the rest typically stays around a short while and then gets donated. We keep legos, tegu blocks, bristle blocks, schleich models, things that are played with over and over and that I like myself.

      1. tigerStripes*

        It would probably be a good idea to let the kids have some say over what gets donated. Just having their toys taken away with no input is likely to be rough on them.

        1. SL #2*

          Yes, yes, and yes. De-cluttering is great… for an adult with no baggage or anxieties about getting things taken away for no reason. It’s a lot rougher on kids unless you explain it to them and let them have a say in what gets given away.

    5. Cluttered and proud*

      Seriously, what’s the crisis here. Your closets have a few too many toys. So what? Why do you need to rotate out the toys, especially if your kids still enjoy playing with them? Worst case scenario, your closet ends up looking like Elliott’s in ET. Big whoop. I think this is more about your de-cluttering ideology than your kids.

      1. annon*

        That is not, in fact, the worst case scenario. At some point, unless you have unlimited space, you really do need to get rid of stuff. If you don’t, you turn into certain relatives of mine, where it is literally not safe to navigate their houses. There is nothing wrong with wanting to decrease clutter or keep the amount of stuff just hanging around to a minimum, especially stuff that isn’t being used.

        I agree with everyone who says not to just randomly trash stuff, but there’s nothing wrong with asking people to give gifts of experiences or consumables, or to otherwise limit the amount of physical gifts they give.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      My adult version of this, if people do not listen and do as they wish then I have informed them of what happens next.
      One year I said, “no more mugs or tree ornaments.” I got 9 mugs and 11 tree ornaments. I donated many of them. I told them at the beginning of the year, so they had plenty of warning.
      (I had over 50 mugs and enough ornaments to do 3 good sized trees.)

      I am sorry, but I think your mother is rude. These are your children.
      My suggestion is to set up a college fund and tell people what they would have spent on toys can go into the college fund. Some people will do this and some people won’t. I don’t like the part about your mother talking over you regarding the toy count. I dunno, tell her she has to come over and clean up all her toys for you. Others have better suggestions there.
      I have read articles about parents getting kids to participate in deciding which toys to donate. That may or may not be useful to you.
      What would happen if you told your mother that the kids don’t even play with some of the toys she gives them?

    7. annon*

      This is one of those things where you might have to be “rude” in setting your boundaries.

      Tell people, well ahead of a gift-giving situation, not to give physical gifts. Suggest gifts you’d appreciate instead (if you’d appreciate, say, gifts of food for the kids, say so). If you’d accept certain physical gifts, make a wishlist and tell people you’d appreciate them sticking only to this. Tell them also that you will refuse or donate unwanted gifts – and then do so. Every time.

      Sensible people will listen. People who aren’t sensible will insist you are the selfish, unreasonable one who doesn’t appreciate their generosity, and will try to force you to accept gifts anyway. Reject those gifts and restate your boundaries. If they say “fine, we won’t give them any more gifts,” tell them that’s fine. If they get weird and try to sneak gifts to you anyway, reject those gifts no matter how awkward they make it. Do not let them control the narrative on gift-giving occasions – if they try to force a gift on you, don’t just take it and say thank you and deal with it quietly later; refuse it and tell them, again, why. If they try to make a scene or push back, push back again and restate your boundaries. If they won’t stop, arrange non-gift-giving celebrations with them.

      Like any boundary, it’s hard to stick to in the face of blatant boundary-crossing, and it is unfortunately easy to cast the boundary-setter as rude. But they are the ones being rude, remember that.

      I say all this as someone with a lot of baggage around gift giving – or rather, gift-receiving. I have had to set that boundary. I have had to be the rude one and reject gifts. Gifts are often an avenue for people to try and manipulate others, shame them, or put them in the giver’s debt, and the fact that the social narrative is so extremely one-sided (it’s always rude to reject a gift!) does not help. That’s not universally true, of course – but people who genuinely want to give you a gift for a good reason generally are willing to listen to your wants and needs, and respect your boundaries, because for them it’s about giving you a gift you’d actually want, not forcing you to accept your role as the fawning recipient of their largesse.

      You get to set and enforce your own boundaries. Don’t let anyone chastise you out of that.

      1. SL #2*

        But that’s imparting your baggage and Long-Time Listener’s baggage onto the kids… they’re children, they’re not going to understand that Mom doesn’t want a cluttered house and doesn’t want them to prioritize material things or that Mom is setting boundaries with the grandparents. They’re going to see that Grandma got them a present, but Mom’s not letting them have it or says that she’s going to give it to another kid and that’s it. That has a tremendous impact on a child. I have baggage when it comes to sharing physical items as an adult because my parents did exactly that and I ended up associating donations/gift-giving with my parents not loving me or that I was being punished for not being “good” enough all the time. I can’t even let a friend borrow a book because my brain tells me that I’m never going to get it back.

        You can mitigate that feeling with gifts of experiences, sure. Zoo tickets, or a day trip to the beach for ice creams or whatever, great. But I think it’s easy to take the no-gifts mentality to an extreme without considering what sort of psychological impact that ends up having on a kid.

        1. annon*

          Sure, it can be taken to an extreme, and I definitely take your point that it can be harmful. I think the best option is to try and field the gifts before they arrive or are seen. But I’ll be honest – I don’t think it’s healthy to just say oh, Mom’s boundaries don’t matter because there are kids here, you have to just let Grandma keep trampling all over boundaries and lavishing gifts on the kids.

          Because you know what? A lot of people rely on that reticence to set boundaries when they might upset the kids to push the envelope. The best example I can think of right now comes from something my toxic relative likes to do – she’ll tell her friends’ kids that she’s taking them to Fun Place and hype them up without ever asking their parents, because she wants to go and wants the parents to foot the bill, and when the parents put their foot down, the kids (understandably!) get angry with them, not her. And she’s successfully shamed quite a few of her friends into footing the bill for Fun Day With Toxic because they don’t want to upset the kids.

          It’s hard and it can be damaging to everyone involved, but that’s not actually the fault of the people who set the boundaries, it’s the fault of the people who insist on violating them. And that’s certainly often hard for kids to understand, but I’m not sure the solution is just to go, oh Grandma’s giving us unwanted gifts again, we’ve got to just accept that.

          It should also be entirely possible to tell your kids no without causing lasting psychological damage, and to eventually explain, as they are old enough to understand or in age-appropriate ways, what is going on. It should also be possible to constructively teach kids how to manage space and that at some point you do have to get rid of stuff.

          Can I ask you a question? It’s been floated elsewhere in the thread that maybe asking the kids to choose things to donate might help with the clutter issue. Would that have worked for you, if you’d been allowed to choose and your choice respected? Because my reaction to reading what you’ve said about how your parents treated your stuff was to think that it was the disrespect of the things you already owned and your ownership of those things that was the issue. (I can relate; I have similar issues surrounding food, for somewhat similar reasons.) I’m kind of wondering if a one-in, one-out rule might work, if people won’t stop giving toys and nobody wants to cause an issue refusing a gift.

          1. Cluttered and proud*

            “It’s been floated elsewhere in the thread that maybe asking the kids to choose things to donate might help with the clutter issue. Would that have worked for you, if you’d been allowed to choose and your choice respected?”

            I can’t speak for the person you’re putting the question to, but for me it would not work. You’re ultimately giving me an ultimatum and insisting I have to throw out something that’s mine, not yours. That means I get to decide what to do with it. I realize we’re talking about kids here, but even kids have a sense of what’s fair and what’s not.

            I fully appreciate the need to set boundaries with pushy relatives, but we’re talking a few toys here. Pick your battles. And one of things that irks me to now end about “decluttering” website is that they’ve elevated home organization to the level of zealotry. If you feel kids MUST be taught to “constructively” managed space isn’t it possible you’re raised decluttering to a level of an ideology?

            1. annon*

              one of things that irks me to now end about “decluttering” website is that they’ve elevated home organization to the level of zealotry

              Oh, I definitely agree with you on that, at least with some of them. I’ve gotten useful tips from some, but there’s a lot of judgment. I stopped reading minimalism sites a few years back when it seemed to be A Thing to criticize people for having hobbies that involved more than a few items – I paint, so that hit a big nerve with me.

              Understand, when I’m talking about managing space and clutter, though, I’m not talking having a few more dishes than you strictly need or a packed closet. I come from a family with actual hoarding issues, and I didn’t ever learn to actually organize or manage space/stuff until well into adulthood, and it was hard. I had no idea where to start, I just knew I didn’t want to live in an unsafe house full of things I never used or needed, unable to find the things I did want, freaking out when things went missing like a dragon with a mismanaged gold hoard. All of which are things I saw various relatives dealing with.

              I will say, though, that “it’s just a few toys” isn’t really your call to make. If someone has decided enough is enough, or they have too much of a thing and don’t want any more, who are you to dismiss that? No one’s talking about taking every toy away from these kids and never letting them ever own anything again. It’s entirely possible to decide you have too much stuff/not enough room without the reason being ideology.

              When would you consider enough to be enough? Would you ever actually consider setting a boundary on how much stuff is in your house? If a kid did have too much stuff, which is actually possible, how would you go about helping them get rid of some, or would you simply never do it? (For an example, my cousin’s room was covered in junk to the point that you literally could not see her floor and I am pretty sure only she could safely navigate it.)

        2. annon*

          Wow, my other comment was way too long. I guess I am also wondering how you’d recommend actually getting people to stop with the gifts, especially if they try to insist or get sneaky. Do you really recommend just letting people give gifts even when you tell them not to? At what point do you think a parent is allowed to institute a “no physical gifts” policy – only when the kid is old enough to understand? In a case like my family’s where gifts are often manipulative and it’s often much wiser to just not accept it, how would you recommend I refuse gifts for my hypothetical kid – or how should I explain to a kid that it’s just not wise to accept that super-nice thing from Grandpa?

          I’m genuinely asking, by the way. I fully acknowledge I have my own baggage here, having grown up in a family where gift-giving was nakedly manipulative. And it’s been hard for me to get rid of things for completely the opposite reason to you – nobody got rid of anything, save to steal it from one relative to add to their own collection, and it’s weirdly hard for me, sometimes, to get over the notion that I do not, in fact, have to keep everything “just in case” and be prepared for twenty kinds of apocalypse. Even having parents who insisted on not getting rid of stuff doesn’t necessarily mean you come out fine, you know?

          I think the takeaway from this whole thread is that teaching young kids how to have healthy relationships with stuff is hard.

        3. annon*

          By the way, I realize my other comments to you were long, and I hope I didn’t come off as somehow minimizing your experience or disbelieving you. I don’t. I also think it was terrible that you were treated that way. I’m just not very concise when I’m tired.

          1. SL #2*

            Hey, no problem! I understand what you’re trying to say and I wasn’t trying to come off as attacking your point of view either. And yes, I totally agree with your final statement that teaching kids how to have healthy relationships, with people and with stuff, is very hard. You can’t just sit them down and talk to them about toxicity!

            As to your question: I do think that getting the kids involved in the donation process works! On the few times my parents have done it with me, I’ve happily given away books and toys to my cousin’s kids, my dad’s coworkers’ kids, etc. because I was the one who chose to do so. I knew which ones were my favorites and which ones I could live without having. I think with kids (speaking as a non-parent, but as someone who has lots of childhood educator friends), it’s important that kids get agency and choice in the matter. We talk a lot about physical consent, about not making kids hug Grandma if they don’t want to and that idea’s gaining a lot of traction, but it’s a lot harder with material items because the idea of “nice kids share their toys” is so ingrained in our society.

            And if the kids say no to donating anything, then it’s time to have a sit-down about why they’re not okay with the idea. It might come down to “I just don’t want to share” at which point, I’m sure the parents have their own ways of turning it into a teachable moment. It might be “Grandma gave me that particular toy and I want to keep it but it’s okay if another kid takes this doll over here.” But I just don’t think a good idea for the parents to consistently do the thing where everything gets donated eventually without any input from the kids, because that’s where you get the weird hang-ups and baggage. Kids are smart, and sure, they might forget about that toy car over there for a while, but you’re right, they’re going to eventually cop on to the fact that their stuff isn’t really “theirs” if Mom and Dad don’t give them some say in the matter.

            I do like the idea of “experiences over stuff” but it’s really only effective if the parents and gift-givers emphasize “zoo trip with Grandma next week for your birthday!” rather than just a random zoo trip. Sometimes with kids, you just really gotta point out the obvious. Granted, it’s a lot harder with college funds and stuff like that, but if anyone has ideas, I’m all ears.

            On a side note, there was an episode of Fresh Off The Boat last season that dealt with a similar issue: the middle child in the family was hoarding a lot of useless stuff, and the mom’s instinct was to throw it all out. The subplot went on to explore that the kid was still coping with moving from DC to Florida and hoarding things from ~his previous life~ because he was so afraid that he’d forget the memories from DC. The kid and the mom then created a photo album of the things that were important to him; he could write his memories down next to each picture, and Mom could throw out the actual stuff. That episode really gave me a lot of things to think about.

            1. annon*

              Thanks for the reply!

              I really like your point about consent, and especially the point about having conversations with kids who don’t want to get rid of anything. I find myself wondering, if anyone had done that with my relatives as kids, would they be able to let things go as adults? It’s something for me to ponder.

              It’s interesting, because you’re making me think about something I talked about in another thread – my weird food anxiety. It’s the one thing no one in my family hoarded, and the one thing relatives would just feel entitled to take from me. I think some of it did come from a good place – trying to get me to share, for example – but having food just snatched away unless I ate it fast enough or successfully hid it has left me with an almost vicious territoriality towards my food. (As in, last time my father visited, I almost threw him out of my house because he opened my fridge without asking, just because he was curious.)

              If someone came to me and said, hey, my relatives keep plying my kids with food and won’t stop even though I’ve asked them, I think my general advice about enforcing boundaries would be the same, but I would also freak the hell out at the idea of taking food away from the kid. Even if I acknowledge it might be necessary, because the kid really is going to get sick from eating all that or whatnot. And thinking on this, I don’t know how I’d square the need for that boundary to be respected with the kid’s distress. I really don’t. My nephew was visiting me once and got in the candy jar just before supper, and I had to ask him to stop eating it because it was almost meal time. Fortunately, he did, but I don’t know that I would have handled it at all well if he’d started to cry, say, even though I knew he shouldn’t be spoiling his appetite and that it was entirely reasonable to make him stop.

              1. SL #2*

                Food and toys… two very touchy subjects for adults as well as kids, it seems like! I appreciate you taking the time to reply; it’s still early-ish over here on the west coast for a night owl like me, but I gather that everyone else in the USA is probably sleeping, hah.

                I don’t see your food anxiety as being all that much different from the original topic; it’s something else that you weren’t given a choice in and you found yourself fighting off the vultures, so to speak. That leaves emotional scars on kids! Weirdly, that’s something I never dealt with, but most likely because I was an only child growing up. And who’s gonna snatch food off my plate, my parents? (Although my dad does it now just to irritate me… but that’s a whole story for another day.)

                I think overall, the important thing when it comes to kids and just about anything is that they’re given some sort of agency in the matter. It’s totally fine for Mom to enforce boundaries with Grandma about gift-giving and to declutter the house, but it needs to be done in a way where even if the kids don’t understand what’s happening, it doesn’t leave them with weird emotional baggage that they’ll vent on job-searching forums about several years in the future. :)

        4. Stellaaaaa*

          I agree with you. It’s also very hard to enforce the no-gifts thing once the kids get to school and start inviting classmates to their birthday parties. OP’s children are going to end up with a lot of toys no matter what. It’s not always going to be relatives.

      2. schnauzerfan*

        What worked for my nieces and nephews who were totally over stocked with toys: consumables like paints, crayons, clay etc. Things that replaced other things, i.e. a new bike helmet, knee pads, to replace the outgrown ones. Special clothing items like the Superman jammies, the Little League uniform, and T-Shirts from favorite sports teams. (i.e. things that are fun, but have a life span and will be outgrown, so Mom can toss them without guilt) Decor items… that Batman sheet set and comforter, the Little Mermaid curtain set and so on. Hobby items, so stamps for the stamp collector, exotic money for the coin collector, etc. Google play cards, ITunes cards, connect time for the cell phones as they got older. And yes, money for the college funds and trips to zoos, museums and planetariums.

        1. annon*

          Yes! Consumables! I was trying to think of that and couldn’t find the word. I find those work nicely when you’re dealing with someone who genuinely wants to give a physical gift but you don’t want to deal with clutter. It is an “actual gift,” after all, just one that doesn’t stick around!

  88. Rats*

    I’ve got rats. Living in the attic and walls of my house. I think they’re roof rats, based on the ones I’ve seen coming and going from the attic. I’m an animal lover. I think they’re cute. I hear them squeaking and I think, “Aw! Adorable! Sounds like a family. I bet the babies are cute.”

    On the other hand, rat infestations are bad. So I need to evict them. What’s the kindest way to do that? I looked up no-kill traps and read that rats usually don’t survive being relocated and that therefore kill traps are more humane. Is that true?

    1. Eponymous Clent*

      Mice can come back from about a mile, so rats probably can come from further. They’re also pretty clever and are good at avoiding traps, so I’d say whatever trap works is the trap to use. Also, you probably have a lot more rats than the ones you see, and you will rapidly have more, so it’s very important to find where they are coming in and shut them out. Talk to your local vector control, they might be able to find the place the rats are coming in and out and give you some advice.

    2. Mes*

      I sympathize because I love pet rats. They’re so adorable! Wild rats aren’t so cute, though. They spread diseases, chew through all your stuff, and contaminate your food. Also, there’s not really a “nice” way to get rid of them. I would hire a pest control company to handle it so you don’t have to see the rats getting hurt.

    3. Turtlewings*

      I’d never heard that about no-kill traps; honestly I would still go for those. Rats are very smart, I feel like it’s not at all hopeless to give them a chance elsewhere.

      Just whatever you do, don’t use glue traps. If you’re willing to check them daily (at least) and put a quick end to whatever you find stuck in them, maybe, but (a) lizards, birds and anything else that wanders by will also get stuck in them, (b) even being checked daily can mean hours and hours of panic for the trapped rat. (By the way! If you ever find an animal stuck in a glue trap, I’m told you can use cooking oil to free them very quickly.)

      I don’t like the way rat poison operates and it’s awfully risky to other animals nearby, but it does have the advantage of also killing the babies (assuming the parents bring it home to them) rather than leaving them to starve somewhere when their parents are killed or relocated.

      I’ve heard there’s a kind of trap that’s sort of a guillotine in a box. Once it trips, you don’t even have to see the animal, just throw away the box. It is most sincerely dead inside there.

    4. Floundering Mander*

      We had a little mouse problem in our flat and the no kill traps did not seem to work. They simply weren’t interested in the trap.

      The most important thing is to figure out how they are getting in and stop them. Rodents breed so fast that trapping them probably won’t keep up with the population.

  89. annon*

    In random end-of-weekend updates: I just managed to rip a cabinet door straight off – as in, I’ve somehow snapped the hinges clean through the center. I don’t know how. Fortunately I can, in fact, fix this after a trip to the hardware store tomorrow, but it was a very WTF end to my weekend.

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