weekend free-for-all – September 9-10, 2017

by Alison Green on September 9, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Misfortune of Marion Palm, by Emily Culliton. A Brooklyn mom goes on the run after embezzling from her kids’ school.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    1. KR*

      Thought I’d share, Lillian, my black cat, likes to go in the shower when it’s not running and chase her own tail and generally act all crazy. I think it’s the shadows.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        My cat loved playing in empty bathtubs. Then one day I went to get a clean towel while running a bath and he followed me ack in and SPLASH. Very cross cat. His fur went super nice and soft though!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Not the same thing, but my kitten fell in the toilet this morning. She’s about 5 to 6 months, so not tiny. She climbed out and proceeded to walk through the house, shaking alternating paws as she walked. Then she had to stop and take a full body bath.

          1. Amadeo*

            I think this is what endeared my tabby room mate to my dad (she’s now Dad’s cat, for sure). She also fell in the toilet while in the bathroom with him.

            He came out trying to look cross and annoyed about it, but failed miserably at hiding his extreme amusement and goes “Damn cat fell in the toilet!” like it was the stupidest thing he’d ever seen, but not actually being able to hide a laugh. She sits on the arm of his chair with him now. Peas in a pod.

          4. Elder Dog*

            The sun would come in the window and make prism patterns in the toilet bowl in my old house. I had just gotten a kitten and he was just tall enough to stand up and see them over the rim. One day I heard a ka-bloop and knew what it was without even turning around. Had learnt to jump! He did the shaking alternate paws thing too, and the other cat helped with the full body bath.

        2. Stella's Mom*

          My cat has done this too! Quite a shock to the kitty I must say, stayed out of the bathroom for a year after that.

      2. Pomona Sprout*

        My Loga likes to go in the shower after I get out and lick up any tiny puddles of water he can find, crazy critter that he is

    3. fposte*

      When I looked quickly at the picture this morning, just as I was waking up, I thought it was a sink and not a bathtub and got *very* confused.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Likewise here. I was trying to figure out how the cats got so tiny, then drrrr, it’s not a sink, it’s a tub. ha!

        1. Myrin*

          Alison, if you remember at all (which you probably won’t because why would you), I need to know where Sam was when that picture was taken – did he sit in front of the tub looking sternly at the youngsters and not understanding their bathroom shenanigans?

    4. Communication skills Anon*

      My cat always looks preturbed when I fill up the bathtub. She never wants to get in though…

      1. Belle di Vedremo*

        Mine doesn’t like for me to bathe alone. She sits on the lid of the toilet seat and supervises. Doesn’t do it for anyone else. When we first started living together, she figured out how to get the bathroom door open to be able to join me. She doesn’t need to watch, apparently, just to ensure I’m not alone.

        1. Merci Dee*

          One of my former cats (may she rest in kitty peace) loved to jump on the edge of the tub when I took a shower. I’ve always had 2 curtains – a decorative one on the outside and a clear liner on the inside – and she would climb between them to sit on the edge. I would aim the shower head to send a stream of hot water down the liner where she would sit, and she’d lean in against the plastic to get more of the warmth. She loved it, and would be upset when I’d finally turn off the water.

          This was the same cat who knew I was pregnant before I did. I miss my Baby Girl.

        2. Catherine from Canada*

          My daughter S – who lived alone at the time after escaping an abusive relationship – slipped and fell in the bathtub while taking a shower and knocked herself out. Her cat Mayo jumped (!) into the still running shower and woke her up by batting at her face and and scratching her shoulders. Ever after, whenever S took a shower, Mayo would sit on the bathtub edge and meowl at her loudly, swiping at her if she got too close. Obviously, that damn bathtub was dangerous and the cat was determined to protect her from it.

  2. You're Not My Supervisor*

    I am having a personal conundrum and I would love some feedback from this group of level headed people. My sister in law was in a bind in terms of a place to live and we let her move into our basement on a temporary basis. She pays rent, but not a lot, barely enough to cover the cost of upgrades we have made to the house to make her living here a possibility (new basement door, soundproofing, etc). My SIL has a strong personality and can be… difficult. But we felt like helping her out in her time of need was the right thing to do.

    The other day, she was having car issues and she told my husband (her brother) she would need his car. My husband, who also needed the car, said no. She said she would use mine then, but I wasn’t really comfortable with that since she’s not insured to drive my car and I haven’t disclosed her living here to my insurance company. So I also said no.

    So, she threw a fit. It’s now been 2 weeks and she won’t speak to us, is generally frosty, has an attitude, slams doors. We share one bathroom with this person… to say things are unfomfortable for us now is an undestatement. We basically hide in our room now. My husband says that, knowing his sister, this could go on for months.

    What can I do about this? I have anxiety in general and I just hate being in my own house now. It’s hell.

    1. Christy*

      You absolutely must give her a timeframe to move out. Give her one month or two months notice first. You have already been exceedingly kind by letting her live with you for what I’m assuming is below-market rent, and now she will be able to spend a month finding somewhere to live and move out–she is no longer in that bind.

        1. Hellanon*

          No, you are being reasonable – she, however, is obviously used to getting her way with threats & manipulation, and probably panics at the first sign of opposition and doubles down. Hammers, nails, all of that…

          1. Strawberry*

            This is spot on in my experience and actually reading someone else point this out is reassuring for my own personal situation. Some people lash out, bully, abuse, etc when they are in the most need of help. And in saying that I’m NOT suggesting you continue to help. I’m seeing a family member’s behavior become more horrible the worse their predicament gets and they refuse to turn things around and behave in a manner in which someone else would actually want to help them out.

        2. neverjaunty*

          Holy crud, no! Your sister in law is 100% the unreasonable one. Amd it seems like your husband has a very skewed view on her behavior. It’s rude and unacceptable and she should take her “I’m an overgrown 13-year-old” routine elsewhere.

        3. nep*

          Based on what you’ve explained, you are not being the least bit unreasonable. Agree with the idea of giving her a deadline for moving out. From what you write she’s being utterly disrespectful. The fact that your very home is now uncomfortable and stressful for you — that is just too too much. One’s home must be one’s refuge. It’s one thing to sacrifice for a loved one or relative who’s gracious and grateful and making the best of it for all, but that’s not the case here.
          All the best. Keep us posted.

        4. OhBehave*

          You are not being unreasonable. In fact, the complete opposite applies here. You made upgrades in order to provide a place for her to stay. This was very kind of both of you. So glad you both discussed it and decided together. She demanded one of you just hand over the keys to your cars. That tells me she is not grateful at all for your help. I hope her car is usable now.
          You absolutely need to draw a line in the sand with her. She’s working and not paying much to you in the way of rent. She should be saving whatever she can in order to find her own place. She will continue to use and abuse you if you don’t give her a timeline. For Pete’s sake, you are uncomfortable in your own home! No one is allowed to make you feel that way.
          I would love to see an update in the upcoming weeks. Good luck!

      2. Paul*

        She’s *probably* established tenancy if she’s been there for a month or more. You need to check tenancy laws and actually properly file an eviction notice, with whatever notice is required in your area.

        1. Jerry Vandesic*

          Exactly. She is a tenant and you need to follow the law. Find out what the minimum notice period in your state (probably 30 or 60 days), and give her a proper notice. If she isn’t out by end of the notice period, you will need to formally file for eviction (you might need a lawyer to do this). DO NOT “kick her out” (put her stuff out on the porch, change the locks) or otherwise illegally evict her as a tenant. You need to follow the law, even with family members.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      How old is she? I would maybe give a 19-year-old a pass here, but not only is she being childish, she’s being ridiculous. I’m assuming she has a job? She can move out. She may need to find roommates, but she can move. Heck, if I were you, I’d even help her with the deposit or the moving expenses just to get her out. There are rules in your house, like respect, and if she can’t abide by them and be a pleasant roommate, then she can go. I have no time for this kind of nonsense.

      1. You're Not My Supervisor*

        She’s 33 -_- my husband is the younger sibling but you wouldn’t know it based on behavior

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      What on earth? One of you — ideally your husband, but you if he won’t do it — should sit down with her and say, “We were happy to let you move in here when you were in a bind. But you cannot act this way while sharing our space. If you’re living here, you need to be polite and pleasant, not hostile or frosty. If that doesn’t feel possible for you, let’s talk about setting a date for you to move out in the next month.”

      1. You're Not My Supervisor*

        Thanks Alison. I was leaning towards this approach but wanted to get some sane outside perspectives first. I have been getting a lot of “never turn your back on family” feedback and I wasn’t sure if maybe I was the a-hole for not lending my car

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          No, you are not an a-hole for not lending your car. Your SIL is an a-hole for assuming she had the right to either your vehicle or your husband’s. The more appropriate course of action would have been for her to say to both of you “hey, I need to get my car fixed and I have to be at work. is there any way I can use one of your vehicles or can you drop me off?” and then if the answer was “no, sorry” she can use uber/lyft/whatever.

        2. Mabel*

          The people telling you to not turn your back on family can lend her their cars! I’m glad you wrote in to get a sanity check. You do not deserve to be treated this way, period (but especially in your own home after you have done her a huge favor).

        3. Mabel*

          Also, I know from my own experience how hard it can be to have, and enforce, boundaries. It helps to get validation from people I trust when I’m not sure if a boundary is reasonable (not to say that we’re not allowed to have unreasonable boundaries sometimes). I hope you are finding support from us (commenters) to require/expect that you and your husband are treated with respect.

        5. Triplestep*

          But you *didn’t* turn your back on family! You were there for her when she was in a bind. Helping her to become independent again by setting a time frame for her moving out also comes under the heading of “not turning your back on family.”

          Letting her stay and continue to play out her childhood family sibling rivalry dynamic does not help her. I know you know this, but this is what I would say to the nay-sayers.

        6. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

          Whenever someone says you have to put up with poor behaviour because they are ‘family’, ask them why you’re not considered family too.

        7. neverjaunty*

          Your SIL sure doesn’t seem to give two hoots about caring for family.

          And you didn’t turn your back on her, not at all. You RENOVATED YOUR HOUSE to give her a place to live!

        8. Courtney*

          Honestly, screw anyone who uses “but they’re familyyyyyy” as a guilt trip. It’s pretty much always just their way of saying that you need to ignore behavior anywhere from rude to abusive because that person’s feelings are more important. And it generallly goes hand in hand with “that’s just the way they are,” as if you have no choice but to enable the bad behavior.

        9. Anon Accountant*

          My best friend would say “you don’t have to set your belongings on fire to keep someone else warm”. You’ve been very kind to her and haven’t turned your back on her. But you don’t have to be a doormat either. If someone has a problem with you not lending her your car, then they can offer up their car to her.

          (I’ve gotten a lot of the “but faaaaammmily!” thrown at me in my day over similar stuff. It gets resolved fast when you set boundaries, get your husband on board, and stick to them. Stick to your boundaries and hold to it. Keep us posted please.

        10. Observer*

          No, you were not. But that’s not the issue. Even if it you had done something obnoxious, her response is not in any way reasonable or acceptable. When a temper tantrum goes on for weeks, you can rest assured that the person having the tantrum is the one with a problem.

        11. OhBehave*

          Let us know when one of the “never turn your back on family” people let her move in with them! Stay strong!

    4. Florida*

      Adult temper tantrums are just like child temper tantrums. If you give into them, they child realizes it is effective and continues them. Same with adults. So I deal with it by ignoring it.
      I’m not going to hide in my room because you are throwing a tantrum. I’m going to go about my life. When you decide that you want to deal with this as a reasonable person, I will be glad to discuss it with you. Basically I’m not going to allow your temper tantrum to control me. (I say You meaning your SIL, not you the OP. You probably figured that out.)
      I don’t know if that is helpful. It is very difficult to do and takes a lot of discipline, but it gets easier with practice.

      1. You're Not My Supervisor*

        I agree with you in theory. But in practice, when life is already stressful enough, the last thing I want to do at the end of a long day is sit in my living room and deal with her attitude. I also feel like kicking her out makes ME the a-hole

        1. fposte*

          No, it doesn’t. For one thing, you can have a situation where people stop living with each other where *nobody’s* the a-hole–this doesn’t have to mean somebody’s doing a crappy thing, just that the arrangement didn’t work out.

          Do you feel like you can never say no to family? Because that can lead to even more badness than this, so I hope you’ll examine that. In the meantime, say no to your SIL, say “We’re glad we could help during a bad time but this isn’t working long-term” and give her notice. It wouldn’t hurt to check your local laws on tenancy, either; federally, it sounds like you guys would be exempt from the FHA but you don’t want to run afoul of state or local laws.

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            Also, bear in mind that your idea of not saying no to family involves a whole lot of her saying no to you. No to being reasonable, no to accepting she can’t use your car. It doesn’t have to mean always giving in because if you are family so is she and what is she giving in to? It doesn’t always have to be you who gives in.

        2. Florida*

          I understand that sometimes it’s easier to hide than to deal with her. (I don’t mean that in a judge-y way. Sometimes it IS easier to not deal with her.) I also get the part about how kicking you out makes you the jerk.
          Maybe you can do it sometimes, in combination with the other suggestions here. Kind of like with kids… there are times when you give in to their tantrums, even though you know you shouldn’t. And times where you don’t.
          One of my favorite quote is this: “If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all. – Yogi Bhajan
          One of the things I was trying to get at was the “over a period of time, cease to react at all” part. It’s hard at first, but after a while, it doesn’t take as much effort.
          I know if a crappy situation without a lot of easy solutions, so I hope you can figure out something that works.

        3. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

          Kicking her out with 30 min notice would make you an a-hole. Giving her a reasonable amount of time to find her own place is not.

          And if people are giving you grief for asking her to move out, then they can let her stay at their place. As you said, life if stressful enough and you have a right to be comfortable in your own home.

        4. Muriel Heslop*

          Drawing a healthy boundary makes you the grown-up not the bad guy. Don’t let her lack of boundaries and immaturity deter you. You can do this!

        5. Sylvan*

          Kicking her out wouldn’t make you an asshole, but so what if it did? You’d be an asshole with a peaceful, relaxing home. And some new free space.

        6. Aphrodite*

          It does not. Absolutely not.

          I have a sister who is crazy. Literally. She has lived her life believing she can act any way she wants because she has never had to experience repercussions. Well, now that she has included me in her circle of family to abuse, that changed. She did it once. I explained to her that those behaviors were abuse and unacceptable and that I required a sincere apology plus a promise to never do them again.

          No surprise; she pulled them again and I have cut her off. She has been blocked and while it still distresses me that she is making such bad life choices I am firm in my commitment to have and keep her cut off. I don’t need it in my life; I don’t want it in my life. My other brothers and sister haven’t done that yet, but they will as soon as our mother dies and the estate is distributed. But I am now done. And life feels better.

        7. Managing to get by*

          Then ask her to go downstairs to her space.

          Have a talk with her about what it is that she does that makes you uncomfortable in your own home, and when she does that behavior/says those things etc., ask her to leave the shared space.

          Also, raise her rent to market rate so that she has less incentive to stay.

          And don’t let her borrow your car or anything else.

    5. Red*

      It’s time to have a talk. She can either get her act together or leave. There is no reason you need to live like that in your own house.

      1. Red*

        Oh, and just to point this out – this is coming from the perspective of someone who couch surfed for almost 2 years. It’s not at all unreasonable to expect better of her.

    6. Emma*

      Yeah, like Allison I’d talk to her. I’d explain that you’re sorry she’s upset about the car, but that’s just a condition of living here. I’d tell her if she can return to normalcy (no slamming doors, no attitude), she can stay here, but otherwise she’ll need to find a new place to live (by Oct 1?).

      But months of hiding in your room is not sustainable, nor reasonable.

      1. Zip Zap*

        And what’s the deal with the attitude? Is she dealing with a mental health issue, substance abuse issue, did something awful recently happen to her, is it related to other family issues, or is it more like an immaturity / anger management sort of thing? Regardless of the answer, you don’t deserve this and you should ask her to move out. But guessing at the root of it might inform your approach. I mean, does she need treatment for something? Or does she just need to learn to be more independent and assume less entitlement?

        If it’s the latter, I’d just hold her accountable for her actions and ask her to move out asap. You’d be doing her a favor in the long run, not to mention that you obviously have no obligation to put up with any of this. But if there’s something else going on, you could also refer her to some resources… I don’t mean to sound too forgiving. It just sounds like a complex situation, from what you described.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      This is what happens when we give too much and expect too little in return, people can start to feel entitled.

      Two weeks of slamming doors and not speaking to her hosts is so beyond the palethat I have no words. My family uses the silent treatment also. My response to it is “my life goes on, do as you wish”. You and your husband should not be hiding in your room, you own the house. Go about your day and go about your life.
      She needs to leave, asap.
      Counter-intuitively, I would give her a list of how she must participate in the household. This list would include a few modest daily chores, and increase in “rent” and she must seek solid employment. It probably would not be a bad idea for her to get counseling on anger management, too. Because not speaking for weeks is not normal, nor is it the behavior of a healthy person. And I would say that out loud.

      A family member came to my house in psychosis*. I did not understand what was going on with her, I was pretty naïve in those days. She said she needed help and I agreed to help. In the end, she trashed my house, lost my dog in an ice storm and would not even speak to me except to order me around. I got the dog back, the ice storm ended and I showed her the door. Then I cleaned up my house. She will never be visiting in my house again.
      [*This is not to infer that your SIL is in psychosis. It’s just part of the story of what happened in my home.]

      While your SIL may not be a physical danger to you, she definitely a detriment to your household. This is not a person you can help and it seems that she does not want help. You can tell her that you thought you were helping her, but you have now learned that you guys are not helping her. She needs to make different living arrangements.

      1. You're Not My Supervisor*

        Wow, that sounds awful! I’m sorry you went through that.

        Just to provide a few more details since I have seen a few posts indicating she should find employment: she is a full time nursing school student, has clinicals at the hospital and also works at a bar. So she is by no means a lazy person who just wants a free ride. It’s also not that she couldn’t afford to live anywhere/would be homeless if we didn’t help her, but she doesn’t make much at that bar job and has a huge amount of student debt. So it’s a big help for her to be able to live in our basement for a couple hundred bucks a month. In her last living arrangement, one roommate left and she was going to be locked into another year at a rate she could not afford to split between her and the remaining roommate. So she moved in here until after graduation when she can get a full time job as a nurse (she already has that job lined up) and will make a nice wage. She graduates this year, so she will be out by April/May.

        1. fposte*

          I don’t know where you live, but I suspect it’s overstating things to say “she would be homeless.” She could find another roommating situation, she could probably find room and board in exchange for home health assistance, she could couchsurf elsewhere, etc.

          I also don’t think that’s a reason to put up with a tantrum (geez, the idea of this person as a nurse isn’t really comforting); May is a long way away. “Sister, I understand you’re frustrated that you couldn’t use the car, but that’s not the condition of your stay here; while we’re happy to help you out through May if you’re cooperative member of the household, if you can’t–if you’d rather slam doors and give the silent treatment–you should make other arrangements by the end of October and we’ll plan for your room to be empty then.”

          I mean, why should you care more than she does about whether she gets to stay with you?

        2. neverjaunty*

          That’s way too long to have to tolerate this nonsense.

          It sounds like your husband doesn’t understand that his big sister has to be a decent person to him AND TO HIS WIFE when she is, you know, living in their home. Since she isn’t going to be homeless, you can explain to her this isn’t working and show her the door.

        3. InternWrangler*

          This information changes the picture for me a little. I know how stressed I’ve been attending school and working and doing an internship. I felt like I was spinning plates and one thing could tip the balance and bring everything crashing down. That does not mean that I got to take that out on other people. It does not in any way excuse her behavior.
          I understand why you wanted to support her and help her out in this way. I really like Alison’s script for how to talk with her about it. And I also think after she decides if she wants to stay or wants to move, then you could have a conversation about the cars and work with her to figure out a back up plan that does not involve using your car or your husband’s.

        4. Gloucesterina*

          Just because your sister-in-law would theoretically move out in nine or ten months doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve a better life now.

          I guess I’m having trouble understanding why she couldn’t find herself another roommate situation, particularly since she will soon be a well-paid professional in her field.

    8. Tess*

      You and your husband need to have a talk with her! It is not your responsibility to take of an adult nor are you obligated to provide her transportation. I’d let her know this living arrangement was never intended to be long term and set a hard date that she must be out by. A house guest should be pleasant and tidy, and mostly out of the way. You shouldn’t be hiding in your own home!

    9. The Other Dawn*

      So, basically she’s holding you hostage in your own house.

      Did you put a time limit on how long she can stay? I’ve twice had someone live with me. The first time I didn’t state a time limit, but luckily he knew when to go more or less. The second time I stated that she had to be out in six months and she was. (In the meantime, though, she basically set up my living room as her base camp with her baby, which made me feel like I was a hostage in my own home.)

      Your husband needs to step up and say something to her. Give her a hard deadline to leave, regardless of whether things start going well or not. You guys were gracious enough to let her live there for low rent (and presumably no money towards utilities or anything else, and no help with the housework?) AND you did some upgrades for her that you wouldn’t have otherwise done if she didn’t move in. She needs to be an adult and realize that not everything is up for the taking. Just like mom and dad always said, “Our house, our rules.” Just because she’s family doesn’t mean she lives at your house like family, if that makes sense.

    10. Just Tea For Me, Thanks*

      You were generous to your SIL and she is ungrateful that you won’t give more(!) This is not your fault. Someone, and I think it should indeed be your husband, needs to talk to her. I hope that when she moved in you already agreed on an end date. If not, do make one (whether that be this month or march next year) when you/husband sits her down to talk about this. Her behaviour is not OK. Best of luck and let us know how it went!

    11. You're Not My Supervisor*

      Thank you to everyone for the feedback. I am having trouble commenting on the mobile version of the site at the moment, so I am posting a few replies on my desktop computer now, but won’t have time to respond to everything. I am reading all the comments though and really appreciate it!

    12. Blueberry*

      Please don’t let her continue to keep you and your husband hostage in your room. This is your home. I imagine she did this a lot (temper tantrum)growing up if your husband is not phased by it.

      Feel empowered to take control. I have anxiety in confronting people. I had to learn to learn to confront people for my job, if I didn’t people’s lives were at stake. I’m much better standing up for myself.

      1. You're Not My Supervisor*

        She did do this her/my husband’s whole life. Which is why he is kind of resigned to it. He also didn’t want her to move in and I talked him into it, which I regret now of course…

        2. neverjaunty*

          He’s not a little brother stuck under their parents’ roof anymore, and he needs to internalize that. It is HIS house (and yours) and SHE is a guest.

        3. Elder Dog*

          If you persuaded your husband against his better judgement (and knowledge of his sister) then you need to be the one to tell her her behavior is unacceptable and give her a deadline to move out by the end of next month. It would help if he were in the same room at the same time. Usually each spouse deals with his or her family, but this is not the usual case.

          She’s already furious at you, so you can’t make it worse. Don’t put up with this till May next year. Don’t reward her behavior by sitting in your bedroom either. Anyone saying “but faaamily” is welcome to let her move in with them, and I agree with a previous commentor, the right answer to that is how come you don’t think we count as much as she does?

        4. Ramona Flowers*

          Unfortunately you have been given a hard lesson in trusting people’s knowledge of their own relatives. Maybe apologise to your husband for not trusting his judgement – and in future you really should.

    13. MsChanandlerBong*

      Tell her she has to be out within 30 days. I went through this for 7 months, albeit with a non-relative. Nothing will change. In my case, I told the person she didn’t have to pay rent as long as she saved money toward moving out. Two months later, she had nothing saved, but she had money for cigarettes and daily coffees from the coffee shop down the street. The bills increased, so I said she’d have to pay $275 per month to cover food, water, sewer, gas, electric, and Internet. She was late the first month and didn’t pay the second month. She felt entitled to stay for free, so we had to ask her to leave.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This very thing happened to a former friend of mine (former because we had an unrelated disagreement and now aren’t friends anymore). But a buddy of her husband’s moved into their basement, and he was a lazy, disrespectful slob. It took them AGES to dislodge this guy, mainly because her husband felt bad about kicking his buddy out. Well, the guy had plenty of options; he just didn’t want to make use of any of them and preferred to sponge off his best friend.

      2. Random Observation*

        “Two months later, she had nothing saved, but she had money for cigarettes and daily coffees from the coffee shop down the street. ”

        I don’t think shaming someone for having coffee is productive here. Coffee is not exactly an extravagance. This smacks of avocado toast-ism to me.

        1. Ann O'Nemity*

          Cigarettes and daily visits to the coffee shop ARE extravagances. I’d be annoyed and start questioning someone’s spending habits when they’re telling me they can’t afford rent.

        2. Temperance*

          I disagree. The person was financially struggling and couldn’t afford to pay for housing, and wasn’t chipping in towards bills for the people kind enough to take her in, yet had $10+ to blow each day on nonsense.

        3. Book Lover*

          I think a lot of people would think going out for coffee is an extravagance? I think it is cheaper to make it at home?

    14. Temperance*

      Your husband needs to intervene here. I mean, FFS, you’re helping HER out, and she’s acting like this?

    16. Kristen*

      Yup, just echoing what everyone else is saying. If you want to be generous start with a conversation: “fix your attitude (and whatever else might be wrong) or you have a month.” Hopefully, it won’t be difficult to get your husband on board, because this should probably come from him or both of you.

      BTW, you did the right thing by not loaning her your car.

  3. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I know it doesn’t do much at this point, but thinking of everyone in Irma’s path! My parents live in Southwest Florida but by coincidence had already planned to spend a few weeks on the Jersey Shore, so they’re out. But many of their friends are staying. I have heard so many stories of people refusing to evacuate and it makes my head spin. I had a conversation yesterday with a total stranger about her parents in Boca and how they refused to leave a few days ago and now they’re concerned and she’s furious. We had a long commiseration about the difference between “can’t” and “won’t”.

    As for us… we’re expecting strong storms with high winds and a lot of rain, but nothing close to what the coast will get (though naturally there is no more water at our local Costco). This is scary, scary stuff.

    1. Zip Silver*

      Unless you live on a barrier island, or next to the intercoastal, there’s no need to evacuate from Boca, even if it were to take a direct hit. In truth, the only panicky people are transplants. There has been so much traffic and gas shortages because people who don’t need to evacuate are evacuating.

      If your parents are in Ft Myers or Naples though, then that is a place that should leave because of storm surge.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        That’s exactly where they are (Naples). And none of their friends have evacuated. The woman in Boca told me her parents were told to evacuate and chose not to. I don’t blame her for being angry!

        1. SeekingBetter*

          If I were in their shoes, I would evacuate Naples because of the storm surge. I’m hoping the people who decided to stay are safe!

      2. Florida*

        “The only panicky people are transplants.”

        I’m a third generation native Floridian. I’ve lived my whole life here. I’m not panicky, but if the government issued an evacuation order for my area, I’d be out of here. That’s not panicky – that’s just smart. Something like 20 counties statewide have evacuation orders (including parts of Palm Beach County, where Boca is). If the government issues an evacuation order and you don’t leave, you are screwed. There will be no one there to help you.

        1. kittymommy*

          Yeah, I’m in North central Florida, since the late 70’s. A member of my family has been pretty much every hurricane in the states since Camille. This is the first that has me nervous. And the first I’m leaving my house for. While I’m sure there are people panicking, I think is rather have that then most not taking it seriously.

          1. SophieChotek*

            Yes I have friends in North Florida (Tallahasse?) who decided to drive to Atlanta and then fly to the Midwest (where they can stay with family.)

      3. Really*

        Daughter left Fort Meyers Thursday evening. Got to my house in PA last night. I told her she had to get out and that was before we knew how bad Irma had shifted to the west. I figure there’s at least a 50/50 chance she has now moved home. Of course hubby and and aren’t home now. Younger daughter has college soccer game and we’re in VA.

      4. Random Observation*

        “In truth, the only panicky people are transplants”

        That cavalier attitude got people killed in Houston. Reconsider your position.

      5. AW*

        people who don’t need to evacuate are evacuating

        There’s a multitude of reasons why being without power, water, and/or the ability to leave for days/weeks would be undoable. You can’t assume that just because the storm itself wouldn’t be directly fatal to them that the people leaving don’t have to leave.

    2. Florida*

      I live in Orlando. We don’t need to evacuate yet. However, there are people here in trailer parks who don’t go to the shelters. Seriously, once Disney World closes for two days, you know it’s real. But these people are going to stay in their trailers instead of going to a shelter for a few nights. It makes no sense to me. Didn’t they ever watch the house spinning scene on the Wizard of Oz? ;)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          The old one liner- trailer parks attract tornados. But dang, every time there is a tornado they show you a trailer park.

          1. Florida*

            I think part of it is that the news reporters go to the trailer park and find the few idiots who aren’t leaving their homes, and put them on camera. It makes good television. Their job is to report the news, but they also have to sell ads.
            I also think part of it is that people in trailer parks don’t want to leave their homes anymore than people in concrete block homes, so the ratio of leavers vs. stayers is probably about the same. It’s just that the repercussions are so much worse for the trailer park people.

      2. Lilo*

        You can tell if Disney is closed, it’s bad. I used to work there 9-10 years ago and once had to work when a Tropical Storm hit Orlando. I also didn’t have my rain gear that day and I was oddly one of the few people tall enough to close and open carts (I’m only 5’8”), so I got completely soaked that day.

    3. Emily*

      I understand frustration with people who won’t evacuate, but I also understand that it can be really hard for people – especially working class folks, people with pets, etc. – to pick up and leave in time. Especially in Florida, which takes a really long time to drive out of even without gas shortages and gridlock.

      Glad that your parents got out! This is really frightening and I’m worried about all the people I know who are in Irma’s path.

      1. Emily*

        (Not necessarily saying that her parents are in any of those categories, just that I’m sympathetic towards people who have trouble evacuating for various reasons.)

          1. Christy*

            I read that! It really gave me a new perspective on the situation. And I *know* that your friend is correct but it’s still so hard to see my Central FL friends hunkering down.

            1. SophieChotek*

              Yes I read something on NPR that a lot of lower income folks literally do not have the money to evacuate — some don’t even have the money to stock up on necessities.

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        Yeah. I can’t I imagine how I would feel, but I’m pretty sure I’d be resistant too. You’re not just moving location but walking away from regular life.

      3. Mimmy*

        Not to mention people who don’t have access to transportation. Also, people with disabilities and medical needs (including the elderly) have difficulty for a variety of reasons, including logistics of moving medical equipment (e.g. wheelchairs, ventilators) and whether shelters are accessible. I used to be involved in an advisory group on emergency preparedness for people with disabilities, and it’s a real issue that I hope is being considered by officials of municipalities in the evacuation zones.

      4. Anxa*

        I think another thing that gets overlooked with evacuation is that when you evacuate, you can’t see what happens to your house while it’s happening. And in hurricanes it can be really useful to know how the water came up. Not just for insurance purposes, but also to help you assess the risks associated with continuing to live there. There is a pretty significant chunk of people that live near water that have valuable properties but also don’t really have much liquidity or a high income to absorb selling prematurely after a disaster or to move or to otherwise move. And when it seems like there’s a significant risk to your property but not to life, and your property is so, so critical to continuing to live in any sort of comfort, then I can see why people don’t want to leave. Plus, once you leave, you may not be able to get back to your home for weeks.

        Plus, it can be tough to assess where the safest place to be is. My mom lives near river off an estuary. She evacuated to a friend’s house more inland and more elevated. A tree fell through her friend’s roof. Was that really safer? It was still probably a good idea because she was closer to the main grids of residential area, whereas she has a tiny house nestled between a bunch of large mansion areas off of narrow lanes.

      5. bunanza*

        Yes, absolutely. This morning my mom was being really judgey about a woman refusing to evacuate without her livestock. I asked how she expected that woman to transport her herd of cows, and she got indignant and insisted that she should “just walk them on the side of the road, then.” Just out-walk a hurricane, it’s chill!

        I understand the frustration too, especially since I believe it’s (at least partly) an outlet for this sense of helplessness and concern about destruction that we can’t prevent. But it doesn’t help anybody to point fingers during a natural disaster, imo.

        1. Random Observation*

          She’s be “judgy” because the cowhand (and her cows) could DIE if the hurricane hits in the wrong place. And first responders will have to risk their lives to save this woman because she cared more about cows than people. This is not OK.

          1. KR*

            Well, now you’re the one being judgy. I’m not sure about you but I care about my pets lives more thsn my own.

      6. Random Observation*

        Working class folks, maybe. People with pets? Gimme a break. Invest in a crate before storms happen.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          You think they’re going to just put their beloved family members in a crate and leave them to die of starvation?

        2. Observer*

          A crate isn’t really a solution for situation where you could be looking at an extended absence. And, if you are looking at serious flooding, that could actually kill the animal.

          I’m not a pet person, and I do think that human life needs to come first. But I *do* get why people don’t just walk away from their pets. I think, in fact, that if you (generic you) can do that without second thought, you probably shouldn’t own a pet. You should still probably leave, but it shouldn’t ever be “Oh, NB”.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I have friends who are saying the news media is over playing this one. ugh. Meanwhile, I see headlines that basically say we are going down to having 49 states. This is not good.

      If you are in Florida and you are reading, please stay sharp. Get with a group of friends and stay with your group.

      1. Blueberry*

        I remember back in 1992 when hurricane Andrew was downplayed. Wasn’t supposed to hit land they said. Luckily my mom listened to the one weather caster that said stock up. I was 12 and we had to hunker down in South Miami.

          1. SpiderLadyCEO*

            I am cracking up at “that b*tch Irma”. Irma doesn’t care what you think of her, she’s going to eff you right up.

            Related, but have you been seeing the joke Facebook pages people have been making about Irma?

    5. Drowning-in-paper-Anna*

      There is another thing, too. Where in the county you live (low lying or not low lying) and how is your house rated.

      I have 2 aunts in the Boca area and a SIL about an hour’s drive west of Tampa. All 3 stayed and really didn’t even consider evacuating.

      None live in flood zones or near large bodies of water.

      The aunts live in a complex that is rated for Category 3 through out the complex, has a large, on site, shelter rated for category 5, and between their personal planning and the complex’s planning are good to shelter in place for at least 3 weeks. The only thing they are worried about is their cars since the garage is only covered, not secured.

      The SIL designed and built her house to withstand a hurricane. She has a safe room in the center of her already hurricane ready home. She will lose landscaping and the screened porch. Even her garage is hurricane ready.

      In cases like these, they are more at risk from evacuating than staying.

      1. DArcy*

        I would point out that Irma is only a Cat 5 because there is no Cat 6 classification. There are reliable reports of her tearing apart Cat 5 rated shelters, she is far more powerful than baseline Cat 5.

        1. Observer*

          That’s a non-issue, whether it’s true or not. She’s down to 3, although there is a good chance that it will go back up to 4. And Florida actually has a good track record with building hurricane resistant buildings. They learned A LOT from Andrew, and implemented it.

    7. CatCat*

      My young teen step-son was displaced by Harvey. Went to stay with mom’s relatives in Florida. Now they’re evacuating because of Irma :-(

    8. copy run start*

      My parents are down in the Port Charlotte area… I’m really pissed off that they didn’t evacuate because it looks like they’re going to take a direct hit, and they don’t have any pets and are mostly retired. I offered to buy them flights up to visit me, but they refused. No real reason they couldn’t have left days ago. They’re close to the water and say they’ll go to a shelter if they’re told to or feel unsafe, but otherwise are planning on staying put. Their house has hurricane clips and hurricane windows, so hopefully they’ll be okay. But I’m worried that there will be catastrophic damage around them and they’ll be without running water, communications and electricity for weeks.

      I have some more relatives on the Manatee River… they have all flown out/evacuated. Their area floods even with minor hurricanes, so I’m glad they left.

    9. Shannon*

      You also have to keep in mind that hurricanes path are hard to predict, and evacuating could potentially put you in a less safe position depending on the trajectory. I live in Boca as well (not in an evacuation zone) and am staying put, but I’ve seen multiple acquaintances on Facebook who evacuated to Clearwater or Tampa, then had to evacuate again today with minimal notice and no place to go.

      I just saw a status from someone Fort Lauderdale who evacuated to Clearwater, and then left Clearwater tonight at 7pm (!!) with five people, three dogs, and nowhere to go. The road is the absolute LAST place you want to be during a hurricane, and the weather channel is reporting that gas is completely gone.

      Meanwhile, I’m sitting cozily watching TV in my townhouse in Boca, with two weeks worth of food and water on hand. I understand the impulse of wanting to take action and do something, but it’s not always the safest or best decision.

    10. Observer*

      I’m going to point out something abut evacuations. When Irene hit a lot of people evacuated, and the we weren’t hit so hard. Then Sandy came along and a LOT of people didn’t want to leave because they remembered how over-hyped Irene was in our area. AND because a lot of people came back to losses that were caused by humans (ie breaks ins and the like). And also because the conditions where they went were very difficult.

      At least NYC learned a few lessons that some of the FL municipalities don’t seem to have gotten. There were shelters specifically for people who have pets, preparations were made for older people, people with all sorts of disabilities and people with a wide variety of illnesses. They talked these preparations up all over the place. They reached out to community organizations to brief us on the preparations and explained what we could tell the people of our communities and where to send them for more information. Some of this was not Sandy specific, but it really made a difference.

      Then there was the Sheriff who threatened arrests at the shelters. You don’t have to be someone with an outstanding warrant to be in that kind of scene.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Honestly, the thought of going to one of those shelters and leaving my pet behind would have me staying put. We are all different and what’s logical to one person is madness to another.

      2. Bored IT Guy*

        I’m in Orlando, and the TV was mentioning which shelters were Pet Friendly, and which ones were designated for folks with special needs.

        Luckily, we came out of this OK. Our house wasn’t damaged, we still have power and running water.

        We prepared, but didn’t evacuate. Historically, Central Florida has been one of the safest parts of the state during a hurricane. Our house was built in 2016, and meets all the latest hurricane-related building codes. That being said, we took the appropriate precautions – stocked up on water and food, slept downstairs as far away from windows as possible, moved all our patio furniture (and some of our neighbors that they didn’t move before they left), charged all our devices, and even moved our bicycles from the garage into the living room, so that if we couldn’t get the garage door open for the cars, we still had a transportation option.

    11. SpiderLadyCEO*

      I moved out of state two weeks ago, but everyone I know and love (and most of what I own) is left behind in Florida, and no one evacuated. (They are in NEFL) I’m spending most of each day checking in with my parents and two besties. My entire FB feed is just Irma.

      It’s honestly MORE terrifying not being there and wondering if I will lose contact then it was being there for previous hurricanes.

  4. Emily*

    To anyone who is impacted by the hurricanes, fires, earthquakes, and other disasters – I am sorry and am sending wishes of safety and security your way.

  5. AnotherName*

    Quick etiquette/culture/something else question… My mother-in-law likes to insist that my wife and I call people in her hometown that knew my wife as a child as Mr./Mrs./Ms./Dr. X. Her reasoning is something along the lines of generational gaps don’t stop existing just because everyone has gotten older, and it’s important to give respect to people who have earned it by their profession (my wife’s old neighborhood is a suburb popular with lawyers and businesspeople in her town).

    That said, I think this is patently ridiculous (I did not even grow up here, so I never even knew these people as Ms. X as a child); we’re both in our 30s and none of them call me Dr. X even though I’ve got a Ph.D. and am a professor. Am I actually being disrespectful by calling these people by their first names (they usually introduce themselves as First-Last)? I grew up with a very different attitude towards naming (by the end of high school, most “adults” in my community expected me to use their given name or family name without prefix). My wife’s neighborhood is in the Midwest, if that matters.

    1. Merci Dee*

      At this point, everyone is an adult. I think you should all be able to refer to each other that way, with just first names.

    2. Tess*

      It’s always nice to show respect but his mother’s insistence sounds weird and a little out of touch. I’m 30 and refer to my mother’s neighbor as Ms. (Name) but I don’t do that with every adult I’ve known since childhood and would find it weird to.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I would go by the preferences of the person I am speaking with.

      This is a tough question to answer because it’s an opinion. Your MIL’s opinion is that yes, you are disrespectful. Other people would answer differently. I am in my mid 50s. People introduce me to their underage children as Mrs. NSNR. If I don’t see the kids that much, I don’t worry about it. But, if I interact with the kids daily, I tell them to call me First Name. I don’t care for the formality. I believe that people can show respect without having to rely on titles as a show of respect.

      Overall, I agree your MIL is not in touch with how times have changed. In terms of keeping the peace, you can copy what your spouse does OR you can ask the person how they wish to be addressed. When MIL says something you can say, “Dr. Smith said he preferred to be addressed as ‘Jim’.”

    4. Florida*

      I don’t think the MIL should have any say in this. You call people the name THEY want to be called, not the name that other people (in this case, MIL) want them to be called.
      I don’t think it’s rude to call a neighbor or businessperson by the first name. Also, if you are meeting a doctor/professor/elected official socially, you can call them by their first name. You might use last name in a professional setting (for example, Judge Smith or Prof. Jones) but you can use first name when you run into them at the grocery store.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Agreed with this entire comment. It’s not your MIL’s decision how you refer to people.

        1. Triplestep*

          I do, too.

          Now with children, it’s different. I prefer NOT to be called Ms. Step, and Mrs. Step is my mother. So kids may always call me by my first name *unless* their parents prefer they use some kind of title (Miss Triple, Ms. Step, whatever.) Parents wishes trump mine in this case.

          This stems from the fact that my children always called people my age by their first names until a friend I had known for 15 years said “You know your kids should really be calling me ‘Miss Firstname’.” (She was raised in the south.) That’s when I realized I had done my kids a disservice by letting them think it was OK to call every adult my age by his or her first name. I checked in with my kids who were teens by then; turns out they avoided having to figure out the preferences of their friends parents by just getting their attention and starting to speak. Regardless, this is what made me start deferring to whatever way parents would like their kids to address me. They get to determine what they think shows respect with their young children. I think they should probably err on the side of caution and be more formal, which is not what I had done with my own kids.

          Sounds like the OP’s mother-in-law agrees, but doesn’t lift this rule for adults!

        2. Chocolate Teapot*

          I once called an elderly relative of some family friends by her first name since that’s what the rest of my family was using, and got some comments from them about it that I shouldn’t have done. Fair enough, but I had no idea what her surname was! Everyone called her by her first name.

      2. HannahS*

        People introduce themselves by the name they’d like to be called. My grandmother likes to be “Mrs. Abramson” in some contexts and “Abigail” in others, so she introduces herself accordingly. It sounds like the people you’re meeting are introducing themselves by first name, so that’s what you and your wife should call them. Like Triplestep says in this thread, I think it’s different for children–I call myself “Hannah” to children, but a friend who lives in a more traditional culture wants her kid to call me “Miss Hannah,” so I respect that. But your MIL has no place in the conversation of what one adult-who-isn’t-her wants another adult-who-isn’t-her should be called!

    5. Tau*

      Coming from a different culture here so not sure how accurate this is to your situation, but:

      To me, either first- or last-name basis between adults is fine (and my country tends to last names more than the US), however it has to be symmetric. If I call you Ms Smith, you call me Ms Tausurname. Same with PhDs – I’ll respect yours if you respect mine. Absent another hierarchy (such as work), the older person decides which to use. In your situation, I’d be pretty upset if someone were calling me by my first name but I was still expected to use titles.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      That attitude is really old-fashioned and classist. What does anyone’s profession have to do with the level of basic human respect they receive? Does a lawyer get a “Mr” but a cashier doesn’t? Does a bartender with a master’s degree get treated with less courtesy than a paralegal with an associate’s? Your MIL is pushing a manner of judging people and not treating them equally, based on initial impressions of their incomes and ages. That’s crappy.

      1. Close Bracket*

        By MIL’s rules, if any of those people were adults who knew the OP’s wife as a child, and who she called Mr/Miss/Mrs/Ms, she would continue to call them Mr/Miss/Mrs/Ms. None of them would warrant a title as none of those professions come with a title.

  6. Emmie*

    I’d like to extend a few work trips by flying into NYC. What’s the best way to get around? I might fly southwest. How best to get from the airport to the downtown hotels?

    1. TeacherNerd*

      You could take the Airtrain to Jamaica Station, then take the LIRR into Penn Station, or the subway downtown. There are probably busses as well (although I was never quite a bus person when I was living in the area). And then there are cabs; it’s been awhile so this may be outdated, but I seem to remember cabs having a flat rate when it came to getting passengers from JFK to downtown.

    2. It happens*

      I think southwest flies to Newark and Laguardia.
      From LGA – there’s a bus to subway – $2.75, should be less than an hour… there’s also blue van or something like that with a flat fee to Manhattan and another private bus service that goes to grand central and penn station that costs $20 or so. Or taxis, etc.
      From Newark, there’s an AirTrain to NJ transit to Penn Station, about an hour and $15 or $20. Essentially, lots of options at different price points.
      Once you’re in Manhattan, you can walk everywhere if you pick a few neighborhoods to explore, or buy a metro card and put some money on it ($2.75 per ride, free transfer between bus and subway- and google maps does a very good job with transit directions.)
      If you’re doing multiple trips then you may want to find hotels in different neighborhoods each time and just have a weekend like a local in each. Or do the full-on tourist thing in midtown if that’s your thing – it’s all available. Enjoy!

    3. Emmie*

      Thank you! What are your favorite non touristy things to do / places to go? I want to see the 9/11 memorial, but I am open beyond that.

      1. Applesauced*

        R/AskNYC has a good sidebar with tourist suggestions and frequent “critique my itinerary” posts

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Make sure you get tickets for the 9/11 Memorial & Museum. I highly recommend the guided museum tour, during which they’ll tell you a lot about the exhibits and the history. Around holidays and on weekends they may sell out.

        If you want to go to Ellis Island and/or Liberty Island, those sell out much further in advance, especially to go up to the crown of the statue. I prefer the history of Ellis Island, but that’s me. It’s a nice ferry ride out there, too, with a nice view of the city.

        We also liked walking around Chinatown, Little Italy, and Times Square and just wander between shops and restaurants, looking at everything.

        You can do most of this by subway, or if you can walk for an hour or two without discomfort, you can walk between most of these and see more of the city.

        Oh, The Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum is also interesting, as is the Central Park Zoo. A lot of nice architecture around Central Park. Be sure to have lunch at a food cart a few times; they’re very heavily regulated and much safer than most tourists would think. :)

      3. GuitarLady*

        Just get out of the TimesSquare/RockCenter/ColumbusCircle tourist swirl. Whatever you are into, there is something cool in NYC for it. Go running around the reservoir in Central Park. Go to Flushing and have dumplings. Visit the Apollo on 125th and have some chicken and waffles at a nearby restaurant. Check out Coney Island. The West and East Villages are full of comedy clubs, some free, some expensive but with top tier talent. And if you want to see a Broadway show, check out lotteries/rushes, if you aren’t picky about what you see chances are you can win tickets to something for under $40. And if you can’t get in to Hamilton, you can see his house on 141st st! Have fun!!

    4. Dragonsnap*

      Download Via! I love the subway but especially on the weekends there can be track work, sometimes you’re far from a stop or don’t want to deal with a bunch of transfers, etc. Via is a ride share app sort of like Uber pool but cheaper and I’ve had far better experiences with it. Everyone I know here uses it. It’s usually $5 a ride in the city and getting from JFK I’ve paid about $30-$35 (in comparison to the $60 flat fare + tip for cabs). There are usually new user specials, too, so it might be even cheaper for you. I know I sound like an ad but I’m not affiliated, just a happy customer.

    7. Blue_eyes*

      JFK: Honestly, take a cab. The Airtrain to subway or commuter rail transfer can take a long time.
      Newark: Take the AirTrain to the New Jersey Transit rail station and take NJ Transit train to Penn Station. You can transfer to a bunch of subway lines from Penn Station.
      LaGuardia: Take the M60 bus to Manhattan and connect to the 4/5/6 or 1/2/3 subway lines depending on where in Manhattan you want to go.
      Google maps is pretty good with transit directions, but always add at least 25% more time that it says. You can always check mta [dot] info for information on delays and track work from the MTA.

      The subway works well, or you can always get Lyft/Uber/Via/Juno, just about any app-based car service or a good old NYC taxi. But during rush hour a car will take forever so consider taking the subway, which will also be packed. Or just walk.

      Favorite places/things to do:
      Central Park (try taking the subway to the northern half of the park – just as pretty and much less crowded than the southern part).

      Staten Island Ferry – it’s free and you get great views of the Statue of Liberty/Ellis Island/the city skyline. Just avoid during rush hour because you’ll get in the way of commuters.

      Walk around Soho/Little Italy/Chinatown (these neighborhoods are all in close proximity and have lots of fun, small shops and great food, so great for wandering).

      The Cloisters – it’s an outpost of the Met museum that’s at the northern tip of Manhattan and houses the medieval Europe collection. They’ve brought over from Europe and reconstructed parts of various abbeys and chapels and such so it feels like you’re in a European castle in the middle of NYC! Your entrance fee (pay-what-you-want) to the Cloisters also gets you same-week entry to the main Met and the new Met Breuer (modern collection).

      The Roosevelt Island Tram – the tram costs one subway fare and takes you on a spectacular ride over the east river to Roosevelt Island. There are paths along the length of the island and park at one end. Bring a lunch with you and have picnic.

      Before you come, look online for events, there are always street fairs, cultural events, etc happening every week.

      Are there particular kinds of food that you like that you can’t get where you live? NYC has almost everything.

  7. Go away Irma!*

    Prepped for evacuation and/or being stuck at home sans utilities. Everyone here is being crazy & we aren’t even in the direct path (at the moment) or the peninsula for that matter! No gas & stores are stripped. Evacuees have been arriving since Thursday. Went to Alabama yesterday to do some shopping & errands. Other than that weather here is beautiful, cool & sunny. I wanted to give the non-Floridians an idea of how it looks on the ground, so to speak.

  8. Zip Silver*

    Shutters are put up, important documents are in an elevated spot, generator and gas is squared away, and I’ve got plenty of food and water. My only issue now is that I have to find an open liquor store before Irma rolls in.

    Good luck to everybody else prepping this weekend.

    1. Augusta Sugarbean*

      We aren’t in an area with yearly disasters like tornadoes or hurricanes. Irregular forest fires and earthquakes are more what we have to look out for. (Yellowstone I’m looking at you.) I’m a minor-league prepper and usually do an inventory/rotation/update of supplies a couple of times a year. I’ve been slack about it this summer and my stocks have gotten a little low. All the chaos in the news over the last month has prompted me to step it up though. Costco and grocery store runs yesterday and a few more stops today. I may or may not have internalized my mom’s mantra: It’s better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

      Stay safe everyone!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        With climate issues becoming more obvious, I’m looking at doing a light version of the prep thing myself. Of course, that will have to wait until I get a FREAKING JOB.

        1. gingerblue*

          I feel you. I’d really like to have more emergency prep myself, but I’ve been moving once a year for the last seven years for work and it’s not conducive to this sort of supply stockpiling. I need to think about this harder. Thankfully, I haven’t been in any areas really prone to natural disasters beyond a bad snowstorm yet.

      2. Zip Silver*

        Exactly. I’m a year-round pretty, because you never know. There are those crazies that think the government is going to collapse, but I’m more concerned and bring without public services or grocery stores for weeks on end. Been there, done that, and I keep a month’s worth of food and water stored.

    1. Zip Silver*

      I very nearly married an Australian girl while drunk in Vegas. Luckily I had a more sober buddy to put a stop to it.

      3. The Other Dawn*

        I think sometimes I’d like to cash my husband in and get the chips instead. Not all the time. Just when he decides to start a project and not finish it, then go on to something else.

  10. AvonLady Barksdale*

    On another, different note… my grandmother had emergency surgery a couple of weeks ago and was in intensive care. She is now well enough to go home on Monday (she’s been in a rehab– a very nice one, I might add– for the last week). Unfortunately, the next steps are probably going to be extremely frustrating and difficult. She is the world’s worst patient. And by that, I mean that she absolutely refuses to do anything that might improve her situation. In rehab she’s been getting PT and OT, and there is a plan for her to get the same once she gets home, but the chances of her following through are pretty slim. They are hiring round-the-clock help for the first few days, but knowing my grandparents, they will dismiss the help as soon as possible. My grandfather wants her to be “back where she was before the surgery.”

    Here’s the problem with that: before the surgery, my grandfather was the one in charge of helping my grandmother get out of bed, get into the bathroom, and get into the shower. He’s been doing this for years, since she broke her pelvis and refused the PT she needed to be able to walk without assistance. He is 91. In the last 6 months, he has really started to deteriorate physically, to the point where he has trouble walking and complains of pain in his legs. Yet my grandmother refuses to have anyone else help her, and worse, he refuses to insist that he can’t do it. And she won’t do anything to help herself. So he helps her and then he grumbles and complains to me, but because it’s what she insists on, he does it. They have been like this for 70 years; she will demand something and he will do it, regardless of his own comfort or even her own good. (This is partly how she ended up so sick– she was vomiting and having chest pains but didn’t want to go to the hospital, so he didn’t insist and they waited two hours, and boom, emergency surgery.) He told me yesterday, “Oh, of course, I can’t lift her, I know that, we’ll get someone,” but I know he’s blowing smoke. So I feel like just throwing up my hands. We’re going to be right back here in the next few months, and it’s not going to be pretty.

    1. fposte*

      Ugh. I have friends in a not dissimilar situation, and the “Dear God you are making the wrong decision” impulse is very, very strong. Sorry, it’s no fun.

      Is there any possibility of you arranging a rental or purchase of a Hoyer Lift for them? That would at least help with the getting out of bed, and it’s not a strange person in the house but a thing. Aside from that, though, I think you’re right that this is going down the road you think it’s going down. At least with your grandparents it’s not that unreasonable for them to say, basically, “Look, we don’t have a lot of time left; we’d rather live it the way we choose than change our ways.”

      1. neverjaunty*

        Great suggestion on the lift.

        I know, as a fellow Fixer, that it’s almost physically painful to watch people do willfully stupid things, but prying people out of their dysfunctional comfort zones rarely works. They’ve been like this for 70 years. Your grandma would, apparently, rather die than change. You can’t make them act different short of force (and it doesn’t sound like their mental capacity warrants formal intervention).

    2. Sibley*

      Call adult protective services. talk to the rehab place. Talk to doctors, social workers, anyone you can. Tell them all of this. If they can’t prevent the coming disaster, be prepared to do it all over again in a month when the SHTF. Except then you’ll have solid evidence.

      Also, and I hate to say this, but start trying to get everything in order and do a rough plan for funerals. The odds of needing it is climbing quickly. :(

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Heh, trust me, I’m on that. I had a long discussion with my grandfather about funeral and burial arrangements, and I texted my boyfriend with the details so I could have some kind of record and a witness. My mother, you see, is just as stubborn as her mother, and very inclined to do what she wants instead of following their wishes. Being an adult grandchild can be a giant clusterfuck, especially when I’m the only non-estranged child of an only child.

    4. Triplestep*

      I don’t have any advice about your grandparents stubborn personalities, but I do want to offer something from my own experience with my mother: Even people who want very badly to go home sometimes have a hard time being there after rehab.

      My mother could not wait to get out of rehab – begged me to get her out of there. Then suddenly one day they decided she was ready to leave and neither of us was prepared. She went home with a schedule of visiting nurses and helpers, but she was so diminished physically from how she’d been before her illness that she fell into a deep depression. This turns out to be so common, I could not believe that no one warned me. So this is my PSA to you – not that you need more to worry about. But it’s really likely that some of what you see at home is the disappointment that things are not the same as they were before, even though that was not great. :-( I’m sorry.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Thank you… anxiety is another layer of this. After her first stint in rehab, the anxiety went untreated for a long time because Grandmom refused to take anything for it. I once suggested my grandfather crush some Lexapro and put it in her tea, and I was only half joking. Now she’s on Celexa and I’m just praying she stays on it and that they send a physical therapist who doesn’t take her crap.

    5. Anono-me*

      A friend of mine’s grandmother did not want a home health aide, even though her health had deteriorated to the point she needed one. My friend was in a very very very good place financially and was able to afford private home care for her. My friend asked her grandmother to please assist in helping out a someone who is going through a hard time, but was very proud.

      So my friend’s grandmother has a home health professional, but doesn’t have to admit to really needing the assistance; instead the grandmother is helping out someone who is hardworking and needs a job.

      Also please remember that sometimes a family member or close friend can become a paid home health care professional to a loved one. If there is someone in your family who would be a good fit, this might be more palatable to your grandparents. Many states have programs set up specifically to facilitate this.

      Additionally, can you or someone in the family get the house professionally evaluated for safety and universal design? Yes, putting a walk in shower might be outside the budget. But switching some of the door handles from knob to lever, adding a couple grab bars and removing a rug that’s a tripping hazard, should not be too expensive and might make a huge difference.

      Good luck.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Luckily, we have no worries about the state of their home. It’s a condo they’ve lived in for about 7 years, and it’s in a 55-and-older community specifically designed for these things. Grab bars in both bathrooms, wide doorways, easily walk-in shower, etc.

        I don’t want anyone in the family to have to handle her care. It’s too much for one person, emotionally more than anything (and my grandmother hasn’t made a lot of selfless fans in her life, you might say). They can easily afford outside help.

    6. Drowning-in-paper-Anna*

      I can tell you from past experience that after surgery (and “emergency” surgery tends to be more invasive than planned) intensive care, and rehab she is nowhere near where she was before. And, you probably know this.

      When it was my parents, I camped on the first day they went into the hospitals and asked the nurses’ station to have the discharge planner talk to me. I was point blank blunt with her about me being a single mom with 5 school aged children, a nasty and ongoing divorce, a temperamental back, and I lived 3 counties away. I also ratted them out about what they could and couldn’t do before the hospitalization. Basically, I took “Drowning will do that” off the table on day 1, and with the nurses, so they couldn’t go all sunshine and flowers on the medical staff.

      Did Mom give me 50 kinds of cr*p for making her out to be an invalid – oh, yeah. She was vicious. But, she did sorta listen to the medical staff. Having the folks in the white coats have those conversations with her went over much better than if I had had them.

      You know who had the biggest impact on Mom and got her to accept the help she needed? The Fire Department. Remember where I said I lived 3 counties away? Every time she fell because she was too stubborn to use the walker, EMS got called. They roll the fire department on medical calls here. The embarrassment of having the fire truck show up every other few days is what finally convinced her that she needed round the clock care. That and the EMS guys giving her the safety lecture every time they came.

      Unless you are planning to take decision making capability from them, there isn’t a lot you can do. Figure out what you can and more importantly cannot do, then stick to that. It will break your heart. It did for me. But, the only way you will convince them is if they have to face the consequences and you aren’t there to magically make it better.

      I saw a comment about a hoyer lift somewhere in the thread. Yes, that will make it easier to move her, but they can be complicated to operate and may require a lot more strength and coordination that a 91-year-old man has. Hoyers are very dangerous if not used correctly.

      Good luck from someone who has been there and done that.

      1. fposte*

        Thanks for the info on the Hoyer lift–that’s relevant to the situation I’m looking at, too. My problem is that the husband equivalent in my case is actually not that old or in that bad health–she’s just overconfident about what she can take on, to the detriment of the patient and her herself. So not to hijack, but any thoughts about how a Fixer might be able to Fix in that situation would be gratefully received.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Checking the simple stuff first. Can the patient lift himself upward? If so, then raising the bed might be a workable solution. If the bed is high enough, they swing their legs over and by the time the feet are touching the floor they are in the standing position. You can get bed risers in a lot of different places now.
          Again this depends on how much mobility the patient has.
          Our bed is custom made and it’s unusually high. My husband could get in and out of bed with six broken ribs and a broken collar bone. Decades later he was still able to the use the bed with 8 broken vertebrae. My husband kept his walker next to the bed so once he was standing his walker was right beside him.

          The other nice thing about risers, is that the patient is higher and easier for the caregiver to tend to. It’s easier to make the bed. Annnd, it’s a tad warmer at this higher level, this could mean less blankets.

          1. fposte*

            Wow, they might actually do that, and I know the patient has long been more comfortable with higher edges. Thanks for the suggestion.

            1. The Cosmic Avenger*

              There are also rails that let patients pull themselves up. Google “bed assist rail” and look at the image results, or “bed swivel assist rail”. Once they’re sitting up, these also help them pull themselves to a standing position. These are much simpler than a Hoyer lift, and there’s much less of a risk of them being used improperly.

        2. Drowning-in-paper-Anna*

          In my mother’s facility, moving someone with a hoyer requires 2 aides. I am sure you can find you tube videos that show how to work one. They are really helpful, but if just one strap isn’t hooked right, the patient can tumble onto the floor from a height of 4 feet, then have the lift fall right on top of them. So, I would want to make sure that whoever is using one had training.

          We had a lift recliner for Mom. It was electric and went from laid all the way back to “dump you on your butt”. If the walker is right in fromt of her when she starts, she can use the chair to stand herself up so she can grab the walker. If you have a hospital bed, you can lift the head of the bed to a sitting position then swing your legs over the edge and just kinda roll to a fully seated position where you can grab the walker and stand or someone can help you stand. PT/OT can teach them how to do this. It’s called transferring.

          But, unfortunately, when you are dealing with overconfidence or stubronness, all you can do is stand by and pick up the pieces after a disaster.

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, I hear you on the last, and I think that’s what’s going to happen. It’s just frustrating to see decisions being made that can unnecessarily limit somebody for decades.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        OMG, if she would listen to the medical staff and/or a fire department, I would be so, so thrilled. She will not. She knows they have to keep coming, so she would probably just make them come. Doctors? Forget it– her daughter is a doctor, so according to Grandmom, they don’t know what they’re talking about.

        I wish I could have been there during the discharge conversation, because I would have done what you did. I am several states away and my mother was there– my mother is… difficult. When I was with them, I was able to coordinate care and get ahead of things to make sure everyone knew what they were dealing with. Mom makes it very clinical and about her own depth of knowledge.

        I’m supposed to go back in a couple of weeks, but I told my mother I’m going to see what happens with the home care. On a practical level, there isn’t enough room for me to stay there if they have home care (and I can’t really swing the flight and the hotel at this stage), but on an emotional level, I am reluctant to put myself through this storm when there’s really nothing I can do. (I also get criticized quite often when I visit, by both grandparents, and I am so not up for that.)

        1. Drowning-in-paper-Anna*

          It’s still fairly early on Saturday. You can call the rehab place yourself and see if you can talk to the D/C planner. She can’t tell you anything unless you are on the HIPAA form, but you can tell her your concerns and she can listen and go from there.

          You are at the point where you have to let them sink or swim on their own, then pick up the pieces after they sink.

          This is somewhat devious and definitely going to piss off you Mom, but if the GP’s give you POA, you can counter when Mom is being stupid and do what is best. There are reasons to do this, and reasons not to, and the SWHTF when Mom finds out. But, you may want to consider this.

          You said your Mom was a doc. Ok, this is going to be sexist/racist as all get out, and I know it, but, have you tried finding a 50ish white male doc with some or a lot of grey hair to make the home health argument with them? Someone who fits their stereotypical image of a wise doctor? Someone who is completely different from your mom? My mom’s oncologist was a godsend when I was having the driving debate with her. She was complaning to him that I was being bossy, and he turned it around to it was because she raised me to be such a good daughter. She quit driving because he phrased it that way.

          2. Drowning-in-paper-Anna*

            One other thing. Since you live far away, lookup the non-emergency number for the police in the GP’s area. Call them and tell them that you are the grandaughter and you live [wherever] and you need to know what number you should call if you are at home and need to call 911 on the GP’s behalf. Ie, you are on the phone with them and grandpa is slurring his words badly enough that you think he has had a stroke and you want to send EMS over there. You can’t dial 911 from where you are at becasue they are 3 hours away and totally uselesss to your GP’s. Store that number everywhere.

    7. Girasol*

      A friend of mine whose mom has Parkinson’s moved in with her mom, then got a lift for her, and at last got nearly round-the-clock caregivers to assist herself and her mom. Mom needed 24 hour care and it’s not something one person, however loving and healthy, can do all day and all night. Can you arrange for in-home caregivers for your grandfather or maybe have the doctor order such post-surgery care? Or is grandma more in need of dementia care? My stepmom wouldn’t do her post-hip-fracture exercises either. The docs determined that it was because she lacked the mental focus to remember them or to maintain will power to keep going when it hurt, though she was masking it by acting as though she just didn’t want to exercise. Dad (he’s 89) was going to bring her home anyway. The medical team convinced him that since she kept forgetting she was hurt and getting out of bed without help only to crash onto the floor again, she must be in 24 hour dementia care. Does your grandmother have a medical team that might talk to your grandfather about such realistic options? He may be (as my dad was) more likely to believe the professionals than family members. It was a good thing they talked Dad into dementia care. My stepmom no sooner got there than Dad fell and broke his hip. He’s mentally capable to participate in his own rehab, so he’s out of wheelchair and walker and not even using a trekking pole now except for light trail hiking. She remained wheelchair-bound but continued to get up now and again just long enough to keel over and bang her head on the floor if the caregivers were inattentive for even a moment. (They were watchful and wonderfully kind but only human, after all.) To imagine that a loving spouse with an aging body can handle that kind of 24×7 caregiving is just denial.

    8. Temperance*

      We’ve been going through this with my husband’s grandparents. They refuse any sort of non-family care, which means that my poor MIL is pretty much stuck being their full-time caregiver in addition to working full-time. We live 2.5 hours away, and they keep “asking” us to spend weekends giving her respite, but refuse to ask their son and his 4 adult children, two of whom have nursing educations, to step up, even though they live in the same town.

      As of right now, we’re doing nothing because any suggestions have been met with a lot of annoyance and anger, like when I suggested using the visiting nurse service that Medicare will provide, free of charge.

        1. Temperance*

          We actually can’t. My MIL doesn’t want to “ask her brother for anything”, and her sexist parents think that caregiving is a woman’s duty to her parents, so our hands are tied. We’re just maintaining our boundary of not spending 5-hours round-trip in a car to caregive for them.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      The rehab center we used for family, had someone come to the house to assess the appropriateness of the setting given the patient’s givens.

      The fact that grandma lives with elderly man, grandpa, should slow down her release date until she is more self-sufficient. Living with another elderly person is just a step below living alone. Once the rehab place realized that family member lived alone, it was decided that she needed to stay in rehab longer.

      You may want to see if there is an in-home assessment required before release and if yes, then talk to that assessor person.

      I know with my own mother all I could do was damage control. There was not much I could do to prevent problems from happening. I ended up waiting for the problem to happen and then cleaning up.

      Some people are a guidebook of what NOT to do when we get old ourselves.

    10. pandq*

      Oh, I’m sorry your family is going through this. We went through this with my mom and dad. My dad was my mom’s caregiver – wouldn’t get help, even with housework. Mom was not getting the help she needed and when she fell and was hospitalized we put our foot down and said Mom’s going to go into assisted living, she’s not going home. We acted as if we were in charge even though he of course has always resisted. He kept saying it was his job but we kept pointing out it wasn’t. She was finally able to get the help she needed.
      I hope you can insist on the help they both need, even if they get angry at you for doing so.

    11. SeekingBetter*

      Wow, your grandfather doesn’t seem like he has any concept of boundaries especially when he’s trying to help your grandmother out and isn’t really capable of doing so. Your story reminds me of the time when my grandmother was still alive and her husband, my grandfather, were literally joined hip-to-hip. My grandpa ALWAYS listened to my grandma and never thought for himself. Things got way worse when my grandma was diagnosed with the end stages of cancer and she demanded only my grandpa can help her (change clothes, feeding her, etc.) while he struggled. My grandpa was in and is still in very poor health and tried his best to help my grandma even when everyone else can see that she really needed others to help, not just him alone.

      I hope things will turn around for your grandparents and they will get the help they need!

  11. Gandalf the Nude*

    Dungeons and Dragons players of AaM, lend me your best tips as I prepare to Dungeon Master my first game!

    Also, anyone played in the Adventurer’s League? I’m considering.

    2. Torrance*

      Do you watch any of Geek & Sundry’s videos? Matt Mercer has a whole series on DM/GM tips. (Google ‘matt mercer dm tips’ and they’re easy to find.) He’s absolutely brilliant so I highly recommend them.

      1. Gandalf the Nude*

        I have listened to some of Geek and Sundry’s DM tips, both Matt and Satine! They’re wonderful. I could stand to watch them when I’m not working on a spreadsheet, though, and can really absorb what’s being said.

    3. AnonEMoose*

      I’ve GM’d under the following systems: D&D 3.0, D&D 3.5, Pathfinder, Victoriana, and the “Buffy: the Vampire Slayer” RPG. Congratulations on taking the plunge into being a GM – it’s scary and fun at the same time. So, that said, here’s what I generally tell people new to being a GM:
      1. Don’t feel like you have to know every rule. Books exist for a reason, and it’s no sin to stop and look something up.
      2. Do have a grasp on the basic mechanics of the game, just because it will help you feel more comfortable and speed things up.
      3. If a rule isn’t clear, or you can’t find it in a reasonable period of time, don’t be afraid to make a call and move on. And make a note to look it up later.
      4. The players will do stuff you don’t expect. Sometimes those moments turn out to be the most fun. (My husband and I call it “Situation 11.” Which is that, if you think of 10 ways the players could resolve something – they’ll use #11.)
      5. You will make mistakes. That’s ok. You’ll learn from them, and so will your players.
      6. If you’ve played the game before (sounds like you have), spend some time thinking about the GM(s) you’ve encountered. What did you like about how they did things? What didn’t you like? What can you adapt or use?
      7. Generally speaking, I like to reward my players for being imaginative. Sometimes that means XP bonuses. Sometimes that means letting them get away with something that just might be stretching the rules a bit.
      8. Remember, it’s not “GM vs. the players.” Some people like that approach – I don’t. I read an article awhile back that basically said “remember, you’re actually on their side – ideally, you want the players to succeed.” Keep that in mind, remember that it’s more fun if they’re challenged, and you won’t go far wrong.
      9. Always remember – this is supposed to be FUN. For you, as well as for the players.

      Let us know how it goes!

      1. Gandalf the Nude*

        Thank you! Those are all great! Now that you mention it, though, one of my bigger concerns is actually the inverse of your 8th point. I’m about the collaborative storytelling, but there’s one guy I’m worried is gonna play it as players vs GM anyway (he’s done a bit of this in the game we both currently play in). I know it’ll come down to effectively telling him to knock it off, but I imagine it’ll be difficult to avoid it being tense/awkward in the moment, especially for the other players.

        1. AnonEMoose*

          Definitely take him aside and talk with him about it if it becomes a thing – don’t let one person ruin the fun for everyone. Also “in game” consequences for poor behavior are one tool the GM has at their disposal.

          He mouths off to a local guard? Guess what, dude – you’re spending the night in jail.

          He barges into that room in the dungeon? Too bad you didn’t wait for the rogue to check for traps…you know have rocks falling on your head – enjoy that 8d6 in damage! (Adjust according to level…or not…it’s up to you!)

          He puts his hands on the barmaid when she said no? Too bad the bouncer is a high level retired adventurer who is Not. Impressed. Try not to “punish” the rest of the party for the stuff he does…but feel free to make things difficult for him if he’s behaving like a jerk.

        2. AnonEMoose*

          Oh, and few things send a jolt of fear down players’ spines like a GM saying, perfectly deadpan “To the best of your ability, you find no traps.” Idly playing with a few dice in one hand while you say it is optional ;-).

    4. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Don’t let the dice rule you. It’s all about telling/playing a story. If the players do something stupid, then yes they should suffer. But don’t be afraid to fudge rolls if they are doing a great job of roleplaying their characters. I’ve given good players a pass on some truly abysmal rolls in the past but have also done the Total Party Kill when they’ve been foolish.

      Everything and everyone should be in place for a reason. Is that beggar at the end of the block really a beggar? Maybe a lookout for the local gangs. Or even for the town watch.

      Make the rewards fit the challenges. For example, don’t give the party a sword that is especially effective against giants if they’re never going to face any. That makes them feel cheated out of using their new ubertoy.

      Above all, have fun.

      1. AnonEMoose*

        Not letting the dice rule you is excellent advice. I’ve been known to fudge rolls (a GM screen exists for a reason), especially when the party is lower level and more vulnerable to the results of a bad roll. I don’t do it a lot, but on occasion, it’s a reasonable call to make.

    5. annamouse*

      Don’t let your players railroad you, but if they have a better/more interesting idea than you planned, roll with it. Have fun!

    6. neverjaunty*

      Best thing to keep in mind is that your players have different things they want out of the game, which don’t always line up – Wakeen likes to be the cool stealthy ninja, Jane wants to be super powerful and kick bad-guy butt, Fergus is there to roleplay his character’s extensive backstory, etc. Make sure you have a little spotlight for everyone.

    7. Lightly-chewed Jimmy*

      It’s been a while, but AD&D 2e, GURPS, and Vampire: Dark Ages here :)
      – there’s nothing wrong with ‘you meet in a tavern’ and ‘you meet at the Jobs board’. They’re sensible places for people to meet! (*ahem* AAM)
      – plan, Plan, PLAN and expect you missed things :) Players will do what you don’t expect, but good players give first-timers a break.
      – if you make house rules remember them and use them consistently
      – if big things happen to characters take that into account when planning later parts of the adventure (characters are probably uneasy about dealing with avoidable things that seriously injured them/they acquired phobias to/that killed their best friend/etc)
      – not sure if you use miniatures generally, but if not they’re very useful for marching order and combat. You don’t need the official ones or gridded maps if you don’t want them, but it’s handy to have a general idea of where you are and they are.
      – speaking of combat: keep an eye on how long it’s taking, and have absolutely no compunction about removing hit points from baddies if needed to keep it moving…or adding them if you misjudged the other way. Basically, keep the story going.
      – have an idea for each session where would be a good stopping point and revisit that 30-60 min before your planned end time. It’s better to end a bit early if it’s a logical or satisfying point, or if it might need an extra 5-10 mins to get to the best stopping point you can broach that with people then.
      – try to keep your player and character likes & motivations in mind. Don’t twist yourself or the game around to serve them, but if you know Jon likes logic puzzles, Beth likes combat, and Pat likes roleplaying, while Raknart the Fearsome wants to avenge his Dog, Inhiarha MightySmart wants to become the greatest basket-fighter the world has ever seen, and Freddie D. Dude is just along because it seemed like fun then you can throw occasional neat bits in for them :)
      – sometimes a session goes badly – maybe all the rolls are failing orthere’s a cold going around or it’s a full moon or who knows. It just happens. Pick up and move on next time :)

    8. LizB*

      From the perspective of a very new player: make sure everyone in the party gets a chance to roleplay and get in on conversations! I’m still learning how to get words in edgewise around my (lovely but more experienced and very chatty) co-players, and I kind of wish our DM would be more proactive about asking me what my character is doing or saying sometimes.

      1. Gandalf the Nude*

        I love this reminder because I have two parties I play in right now, one of 3 people and one of up to 15! It’s easy to see which is us met in the theater and which joined from elsewhere because the theater folk are way not shy about participating, and the others tend more toward drinking beer until we roll initiative. I’ll be DMing 5-7 players, so I’ll make sure to watch for that dynamic.

    9. Ann O.*

      If a player has high charisma or other trait that should effect interpersonal relationships, don’t try to force the players to be affected by that but do remember to have the NPCs affected by it.

    10. Liz*

      Congrats on DMing your first game! It can feel like a big hurdle, but once you get into it, it’s a whole different kind of fun from playing in an RPG.

      DM Tip: Don’t worry about getting every single rule right every single time. As long as you’re consistent with your calls, most players won’t have any issues if it’s not exactly what the books say, especially if it helps keep the game moving.

      You might be tempted to jump in with hints and information that the players might find useful, but try to give them the time and space to figure it out. Obviously, if they’re really stuck, give them some hints or new information. It might be a little easier to adapt what you had planned based on what the players have focused on rather than redirecting back to exactly what you had planned.

      As for Adventurer’s League, my spouse and I tried it once and….didn’t have a great time. We played in a game that really didn’t suit our style – all combat and mechanics, very little roleplaying and character interaction. I don’t think this is true for every AL game, but feel free to find a different game if the one you’re playing in isn’t a good fit for you. Also, make note of the format and the restrictions that it places on AL games: they have to adapt to the players at every session, which might change from game to game, so expect less long-term campaigning and more short one-shots. (I’m actually playing a game of D&D in about 15 minutes! Saturday night fun!) Good luck, and have fun!

    11. Liane*

      Good luck!
      Star Wars GM here, who’s gone from newb to more or less intermediate GMing/DMing skills. I also play D&D, & just about anything else my gaming pals and family suggest.
      My biggest mistake when I started–and I still do this sometimes–was to worry too much about how awful I must be compared to my friends who were more experienced at running games. Speaking of having experienced DMs at the table, IF you use them as a resource, keep most of that for planning and between sessions. During a game (unless this is a co-DM set up which it doesn’t sound like), don’t ask them for advice unless it’s a real quick rules question, like, “Desdemona, what skill covers swinging on a rope?”
      The blog I write and edit for has DM/GM advice too. There’s my “Ask A Gamer: The Apprentice GM,” on my new GMing advice, both solo and co-GMing. “The GM Awakens” series by one of the other writers has some articles useful for a variety of systems, although it is aimed at Star Wars GMs–I will give links to these in a reply.

      1. Liane*

        Hope these help, even if they are mainly for another system.

        Apprentice GM by me: http://www.d20radio.com/main/ask-a-gamer-apprentice-gm/

        GM Awakens articles: http://www.d20radio.com/main/the-gm-awakens-more-roleplaying-in-your-roleplaying-games/
        http://www.d20radio.com/main/the-gm-awakens-my-first-true-problem-between-players/
        http://www.d20radio.com/main/the-gm-awakens-setting-expectations-to-avoid-player-conflict/

        Here’s hoping this handles the links correctly. I don’t usually do links

        1. Gandalf the Nude*

          Oh, I will definitely give these a read! All but maybe 1 of my players is new to D&D, but that 1 guy… we’ll see how well he lets it roll!

    12. StrikingFalcon*

      My DM had us each come up with a connection to at least one other player’s character, which helped a lot in establishing a natural party dynamic. She also does a really good job of making player backstories relevant, which I appreciate. We have a group that is as likely to try to talk their way out of a situation as fight their way out, and we get equal experience points for doing so (if not always equal loot), which has encouraged more inventive (and sometimes more entertaining) approaches to problems.

      1. Gandalf the Nude*

        The party connection is one of my favorite things Seasons of Skyrend did in their first few episodes. It made the characters seem so much fuller because they had to put more thought into what they were doing before the adventure.

    13. MoodyMoody*

      This is something I did when I ran a GURPS Discworld game: I made very long lists of both men’s and women’s names and printed them out to use for NPCs. When I used one, I wrote a short note of what kind of person it was. It was great for an adventure centered in Ankh-Morpork.

      You can’t anticipate everything players will do, but you can plan the setting pretty well.

      And remember that you are telling a cooperative story. Improv is a plus!

      (I am literally writing this during a Pathfinder game.)

      1. Gandalf the Nude*

        Oh, I really like the NPC tip but maybe for the opposite reason than you intended it! I’ve got an awful tendency to overdevelop unimportant characters (from my old fanfiction days), and I’m sure I’d be well-served to focus on keeping those notes succinct instead!

    14. Ursula*

      I think of any given session in terms of activity types: most adventures can be classified as combat, roleplaying, exploration, or puzzle solving (or some combination of those). Try to make each session focused on a different one. I also prefer much shorter sessions that most people seem to; 4 hours is a good limit in terms of allowing people to keep attention on the game. Other have mentioned this, but making sure to engage with players who aren’t getting as much focus time is important. Varying the type of activity will help with this.

      And as far as that adversarial player goes, talking to him about it is good, but keep in mind that if he won’t go along with things, you are literally god. Smack him down. Also, if he’s truly incompatible with the group in playing style you might have to eject him from the game, possibly via killing his character. It’s harsh, but better than him ruining it for everyone else. Your players will thank you.

      Also, while planning is great, eventually you may reach the point where you don’t really need to plan much anymore. I’ve been playing so long I write a story outline and pick monsters and occasionally map a dungeon, but that’s it. It helps if you have an established universe already, either the ones that are professionally made or making your own. Once you’ve played a long time you’ll already have information on things like who lives in various towns around the area and what the terrain is. It’s always entertaining to run across references to previous campaigns or characters! Also, your players can help with this part, as their characters might, say, retire and create a combat school that you can have show up in later adventures.

  12. Paris Geller*

    I just wanted to say thank-you to everyone’s kind comments on my post in last week’s open thread about anxiety. They really helped a lot. As it turns out, despite for the most part I do feel I have my life together, this past week has been the worst my anxiety has ever been. Ever, for a couple of reasons. I had a post on the work open thread yesterday asking for advice, and the stuff that’s been going on at work is a big part of it, but there were other things too.

    Even though living through the anxiety week from hell was. . . well, hell, now that I feel a bit better I think it really made me see that I am at the point where I *did* need to ask for help. I meant to talk to my therapist this week about medication, had a plan and everything, but then I got into her office and just kind of. . . broke. It did come up eventually, though, and she gave me a referral to the student health center. Apparently they do work with depression and anxiety, but generally mostly by referral, which is why I was under the impression they couldn’t help me since it’s not widely-publicized.

    I also realized a lot of my fear about seeing a doctor for anxiety is apparently the very deep-seated belief they won’t take me seriously. I hadn’t consciously known that, but once it came up I just sobbed and sobbed in my therapist’s office. I’ve had a horrible experience with not being taken seriously as a teenager and made to feel like I was just seeking attention, so it’s based on the past. We talked through it. I think having a referral to the health center is making me more confident about it, because I know that at least one person believes me, and I have an appointment with a physician this week.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m really glad you found the comments helpful and that you’ve been able to discuss this with supportive professionals. More than one person believes you – you can count me in that list.

      Internet hugs if at all welcome.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Unfortunately, it happens when we are at our worst that we have to be our own biggest advocates. It’s been a big lesson over and over again in my life to keep going until someone listens. Try to remember the hardest part is being bold enough to keep going. Once you find that listening person, things will get better. Keep believing that someone will listen and it’s just a matter of finding that person. This applies to many things in life not just our health and well-being.

    4. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

      Glad you’re feeling better and good luck with the appointment.

      Re: not being taken seriously – I understand this very, very well. If you can, take someone with you as support. They are not there to talk over you or talk to the doctor for you. They would be there to back you up, to intervene if the doctor talks over you or dismisses your concerns. You can even plan out beforehand what you want to say and give them a copy of your notes (I always write down what I want to tell doctors).

      1. Paris Geller*

        I don’t have anyone I’m close enough right now at school for this, but this is a really good idea I’m going to save for the future.

        1. Julia*

          Im sorry you don’t have anyone close, but I would like to suggest that people may surprise you.
          When my husband was a grad student, we lived in student housing and a girl in the year below his sometimes came to ask for advice. (They’re both Japanese and senior-junior relations are pretty important in Japan.)

          She started feeling unwell and asked if I could go to the doctor’s office with her, so I did. I didn’t know her too well back then, but I consider her a friend now. They do say that to make friends, you sometimes have to know when to ask for favours.

          But of course, this is just a suggestion and if you feel like it doesn’t apply to your situation, I’m sorry for bringing it up.
          Anxiety sucks; I hope you’ll feel better soon.

    5. Mischa*

      Paris, I’m in very similar shoes as you. I didn’t want to go to therapy or even consider medication in the past because I was (and still am, to an extent) afraid of not being believed. I can put on a good face, but internally, everything is a disaster. And I just started law school, so I really, really am afraid that things will get out of control. So, I made an appointment with the law school’s student counsellor, and she immediately believed me. It was amazing. I felt so vindicated. I am currently waiting to get in with my school’s psychologist (psychiatrist?) to discuss formal diagnosis and medication, if necessary.

      Be kind to yourself and take care! If you ever need to talk I lurk here on the weekend threads.

      1. Paris Geller*

        Yes, hearing the therapist I’ve been talking to after months say “I believe you” felt so incredibly validating.

  13. Myrin*

    Alison, I’m dying to learn how the whole kudzu situation turned out! Are you rolling around in unimaginable anger at the contractor you used or was there a positive outcome in the end?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      And if all else fails, can you hire some goats to eat the contractor? (Or, based on THAT condo story on the Friday open thread, some cats?!)

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      The kudzu is almost gone!

      Last weekend, I wrote about how I was in a panic because on their first day they only worked four hours and got hardly any done, and I had agreed to pay a very high daily rate for three days — and that definitely was not one-third of the job. But when I talked to the head guy the next day, he said they would come back as long as it took to get the whole job done and wouldn’t charge us for more than three days. And then they ended up getting it all done in three days anyway. However, once they cleared it all out, we discovered there was more that we hadn’t been able to see (because the kudzu had blocked our view of it), so we’re bringing them back for one more day tomorrow to do an additional chunk of the property. And then it will be done! I am so relieved.

      I can’t remember if I mentioned that there’s no easy way to get down there, and they had to go down using climbing gear, like ropes and harnesses. They were really good sports about it. They were also really good sports about apparently running into a bunch of copperhead snakes.

      But it looks great now! We can see so much of the forest now that it looks like we’re in the Shendandoahs or something. And I saw a fox wandering through there yesterday (which I wouldn’t have been able to see before because the kudzu was so thick), so that was exciting.

      It’s also taught me a good lesson about asking what a “day” entails before agreeing to a daily rate in the future! And also, that it might be better to ask for a flat project rate rather than a daily rate in the future, although it worked out this time.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        That’s great news! Congratulations.

        It sounds really idyllic your new place. I’m quite jealous.

      3. CAA*

        That’s excellent! And I like that because this guy gave you a fair shake and did a good job he gets another day’s work out of it. I’m guessing you’ll have to do a smaller version of this every few years in order to keep it from taking over again, so it’s good that you found someone reliable.

      4. Mimmy*

        Yay! I was worried you were going to get screwed over – IMHO, it can be hard to find honest contractors.

        Also, congrats on the offer for your old house!

      5. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Yay for the offer!

        Did they paint or spray anything on the kudzu stumps after they cut it down? I can’t remember if you mentioned that in your original comment about it. I usually just cut the bamboo down, but I really should take the time to paint it with the herbicide I have. Maybe in a few weeks, when it’s cooler outside and more conducive to outdoor labor. :)

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          They sprayed it with Roundup, but I talked to a county ecologist yesterday who specializes in invasive plants, and she gave me the name of a different herbicide to use, so they’re bringing that tomorrow.

  14. Fake old Converse shoes*

    I think I was on a date last week.
    My workmates decided to have lunch at a small Japanese restaurant, hidden in the abandoned area of our town, and this time decided to invite the rest of the team. But, when it was time to go, everyone excused himself, and I ended having lunch with the same person who unashamedly agreed with the guy from Googlegate. The lunch was delicious and cheap for the area, he admitted he’s not happy with the current state of the project, and then we had a long rant regarding untrained HR people and recruiters who make ridiculous requests during the hiring process. I didn’t think there could be second intentions until I was back at the office.
    Now the same person suggested we should try gourmet hamburgers, and I don’t know whether I should go too or decline.

    On the other hand, my crush has started getting physically closer when we’re talking, sometimes touching my arms and shoulders whenever we’re talking. He almost hugged me once. It’s super confusing.

          1. fposte*

            Oh, I *love* “the hamburglar.” However, I’m with Evelyn that you should ask crush out, which should help clarify the confusion as he’ll either say yes or no; don’t go out with the hamburglar.

    3. Morning Glory*

      I think the fact that your workmate agreed with the guy from Google about gender was clearly important enough to you to mention in your post. Not everyone has the same dealbreakers, of course, but I know would make him a firm no in my book – would you be comfortable and happy being with a man who feels that way?

      Independent of that, what you wrote about your crush seems promising!

      1. Fake old Converse shoes*

        I was so angry with myself when I realized it could have been a date, because no even free food is enough to salvage my opinion of him. The only thing I’d accept is a formal apology in front of the rest of my coworkers.

    4. Fake old Converse shoes*

      The thing is, my crush is in a relationship! It’s so weird he’s doing what sounds like flirting to me, when he previously mentioned a girlfriend. What’s more, I’ve never been in a relationship, and I suck reading advance body language. I can’t understand why is he doing this, and it’s really confusing.

      1. fposte*

        Is he doing it just to you or to lots of people? If the latter, he’s Mr. Tactile and it doesn’t mean anything; if just to you, he likes flirting while he’s in a relationship. That’s not necessarily a terrible thing but if you’re unsure of signals and already stuck on the guy, I wouldn’t want to play the game–it’s too easy for you to believe the game is meaningful. I’d back off instead.

      3. Fake old Converse shoes*

        I really wish it’s just a misunderstanding, because it would be so disheartening if the first person who pays me attention in my whole life is a… well, I don’t want to say cheater, but you get the idea.

    5. Temperance*

      I wouldn’t go on a date with a guy who thought that women are inferior/less suited to the tech industry, and I’m a lawyer. As a tech professional, I would probably triply not want to go.

      Make a move on the guy you actually like. Unless he is also a misogynist. Then don’t. ;)

  15. Merci Dee*

    So, we’re not in the path of Irma, but we’re about 200 miles north of the coast in central Alabama, so people who have evacuated are coming here in droves. The mayor announced on Thursday that every hotel room in town is booked, and the same for surrounding communities. The local colleges, churches, and public schools are all standing by to act as shelters, if necessary. Locals are doing what they can to pitch in. It’s nice to know I live in a place that does everything possible to help those in need. Praying for those who are effected by the coming storm, and that those who stayed behind will be safe during the storm and it’s aftermath.

    Also, praying that Jose gets tired of following in its big brother and sister’s footsteps, and just dissipates before it causes any destruction.

    1. fposte*

      Just a note that there’s apparently incorrect information being forwarded about hotels being required to take evacuees’ pets even if they’re not regularly pet-friendly hotels. This isn’t true–hotels retain the ability to turn pets away, so if you’re planning to evacuate with pets please make sure your destination accepts them.

    2. Merci Dee*

      Got a phone message today from the local school district. City schools have been cancelled tomorrow, and they’ll call tomorrow to let us know about plans for Tuesday.

      Meanwhile, I still have to go to work. Glad my folks got back from their Great Western Odyssey yesterday, and that they’re happy to let the kiddo visit for a night or two.

  16. Ramona Flowers*

    Who is watching the Great British Bake Off? I’d never watched it in the past and somehow thought it would be like Masterchef, which I hate. It’s not. It’s brilliant. I love it and am newly hooked.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Some may find it a welcome distraction. I think we are all pretty concerned and the waiting is awful.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Sometimes frivolity is a public service!
        If people don’t want a bit of relief they can always keep scrolling or switch to a news site. No shortage of heartache and worry, unfortunately.

        1. periwinkle*

          I enjoy hate-watching Chopped. Each contestant has a single talking point and we have to listen to their “story” multiple times. Arrrgh, can we ditch that bit and focus on the fun of making chefs making a dessert out of strawberries, cauliflower, and the rear passenger door of a 1991 Corolla?

          1. hermit crab*

            If you get fed up with Chopped, try Cutthroat Kitchen! It’s like they kept all the good parts of Chopped but replaced the annoying parts with stuff that’s more fun. It’s hilarious and awesome.

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        Masterchef makes me feel stupid as they never seem to explain what they’re doing.

        Bake Off is great however.

    3. Elkay*

      I’ve been watching but not as intensely as previous series, I prefer it when they get to fewer people. I wish they’d got rid of Paul Hollywood in the move to Channel 4.

    4. Morning Glory*

      I loooovee Great British Bake Off! Everyone is so nice and lovely. It’s a great contrast to the cooking reality shows where producers engineer/emphasize gratuitous drama.

    5. CatCat*

      We have gotten totally hooked on it in the past couple of weeks. LOVE IT! It feels like how competition should be. I admire the bakers so much. It feels like a reality show based on actual reality.

    6. Annie Mouse*

      I like it, I’m not so much a fan of Prue in this (like her in the Great British Menu though) and wasn’t sure about Sandi to begin with although she’s growing on me. I’m enjoying the Extra Slice show again as well.

        1. Annie Mouse*

          See I didn’t particularly like this week’s disappearee but I loved the episode of Extra Slice, there’s so much more than just the bit with the departee. In fact this week I just disliked them more after their segment. But there were gems like the audience member who brought in orange and ginger biscuits with salmon paste filling……

    7. Augusta Sugarbean*

      GBBO is the best! Everyone is so nice to each other. None of this fight to the death BS. I’m so sad that they broke up the band. I’ll watch the new season but I’m not sure how it will be. I don’t know Prue Leith or Sandi Toksvig and I’ve only ever seen Noel Fielding on The IT Crowd. I’d watch Paul Hollywood do just about anything though.

      The only downside to watching it is that I start baking again and our low-ish carb diets go out the window.

    8. Roseberriesmaybe*

      I’m watching it! There was the big drama with the move, but I think the new presenters are doing well, they all just need to relax into the roles a little bit. Ramona, I gathered you’re in the UK, so I recommend Rhik Samadder’s GBBO liveblog in the Guardian on Tuesday. It is hilarious

      1. Elkay*

        I’d totally forgotten about the Guardian live blog, I love Rhik Sammadder’s writing, my Wednesday lunchtime reading is Inspect-a-Gadget.

        1. Roseberriesmaybe*

          I read it when I’m nearly falling asleep in work, the puns wake me up :) The comments are gas as well, never thought raunchy haikus and cult kitchen reviews would go together, but there you are

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        I am indeed in the UK! I forgot that of course the Graun would have a liveblog. Can’t read in real time though as I like to watch GBBO on the train the next morning.

    9. Cristina in England*

      Are you watching the new one or the original? If you can, watch the original. I love Noel and Sandy but I can’t bring myself to watch the new one yet because I am so attached to Mary, Mel and Sue.

      2. Lilo*

        I will say I don’t think Prue has quite developed the personality of Mary just yet, but I think that’s probably a good thing rather than trying to force it on. I knew Noel and Sandi already from their other things, and they generally seem pretty kind. I’m finding I miss Mary most of all, but the show still has the same fundamental elements that I love.

        1. fposte*

          Yes, I always felt Mary was the gently steely alpha with the final word; it seems a bit unmoored without her. That being said, the transition also made it clear to me that the contestants are a huge part of the joy, and that remains unchanged.

    10. Someone else*

      Are you watching the current channel 4 season (with Sandi Toksvig and Noel Fielding) or one of the previous BBC seasons (via Netflix etc)? I love it and am in the US and have watched all the seasons that have been available here. So, just in case, since you’re new to it, if you didn’t know, there’s a LOT of it you can catch up on. :)

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t like competition shows as a rule, though I did watch one Mary episode and it wasn’t too bad. I like Noel Fielding, so I might end up finding a way to watch at least some of them. He’s cute in a well-this-is-unusual-what-might-happen-here kind of way, LOL.

    12. Lilo*

      I love GBBO. Everyone is kind and helps each other, there’s no yelling. It’s a very cozy show that makes you feel good about humanity.

    13. bluesboy*

      No, but I’m watching Bake Off Italia! Not as good as the British one though. The ‘mean’ judge has a tendency to judge harshly on the creative bake by telling the contestant that it’s not creative enough, but then if they actually get creative he tells them it isn’t authentic enough. I still enjoy it though!

      My problem is that I basically can’t follow any British new sites between now and the series ending because I don’t want to risk finding out who won until GBBO gets shown over here (probably in Spring).

      My little boy (8 years old) has decided he wants to be on Bake Off when he grows up, so we spent this morning making focaccia together!

    14. KarenK*

      Love this show. There’s never any drama between the contestants. They’re very supportive of each other.

  17. Sugar of lead*

    I’m thinking of getting a gym membership and really all I’m looking for are some basic weights and treadmills, nothing fancy. As I am on a budget, I’d probably be going with the cheapest option, so what have people’s experiences been like with Planet Fitness?

    2. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

      I belong and I like it. It’s cheap and has what I want. Elliptical machines and treadmills. I like the 24 hours because it takes away my excuses of not having time.

    3. kc89*

      the one near me is great, big and airy and plenty of cardio machines. less strength training options but doesn’t sound like would be a deal breaker for you, they deff have basic weights.

    4. Annie Moose*

      It’s fine, honestly. I’ve unfortunately run into a couple of super gym-type people who got snobby about it, but c’mon. They have weights. They have treadmills. They have ellipticals. It’s fine.

      What I liked about it, when I used to have a PF membership, was that most people there were just ordinary people like me. I was pretty self-conscious to begin with, but I realized there was no reason to be. Nobody there was Olympic athletes or whatever, they were just ordinary people going there on their lunch break, while the kids are in school, after class, etc., both young and old.

      If all you’re going to be doing is basic exercise, I think PF is a great low-cost option. Every once in awhile they have a discount going for new members, you might want to check if they currently have one.

    5. Lynn*

      I decided to join a gym last year, and there was a planet fitness near my house that I was planning to join. When I went, it was kind of unkempt, like they were understaffed. There also spent way too much time focusing on “benefits” like pizza and donuts, which isn’t really what I wanted in a gym. Plus, the day I went on a trial pass, I saw them send a woman home for wearing a tank top and yoga pants, essentially because she might make other members feel bad for not being in shape. I ended up joining the ymca. So YMMV.

    6. Kristen*

      I like my Planet Fitness. I was very unsure of it at first because it is so cheap, I was afraid I’d be getting what I paid for, basically a dumpy, over-crowded gym. Although I think there might be times when it is crowded (weekday evenings from what I’ve seen when I’ve driven by and seen a full parking lot), the weekend mornings when I have gone have been pretty good. It’s also been clean when I’ve been there. Of course, a lot of this can vary by location, but I think it’s worth trying out for only $10/month. I wanted to join a different 24 hour gym, but didn’t want to sign a contract, so I also like that about Planet Fitness. I think they do require 30-60 days notice in writing when quitting though. But again, it’s so cheap compared to every where else, I don’t really sweat (haha no pun intended) that.

    7. Selenejmr*

      I’ve been with Planet Fitness for 3 years and I like it. Everybody keeps to themselves, plenty of machines and I can go before work.

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      A chain like Planet Fitness is good if you travel a lot. Your membership gets you into the gym in any location.

    9. Lilo*

      I have to say that I am the kind of person that needs classes. I am not particularly good at self motivation, so having Zumba or similar with a set schedule is really good for me. So the key to my gym is having classes I like a lot.

    3. Just Tea For Me, Thanks*

      Of course not! It’s a good thing! Not getting any older would be a problem. Enjoy your bday!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I think the best years of life are from 40 up to maybe 85 or so? I hope you can find a happy thought in thinking that the best years are still ahead.

    5. fposte*

      It is too old to become an Olympic gymnast. It is barely old enough to be president. It’s all in the perspective.

      1. AdAgencyChick*

        It isn’t even too old to be an Olympic gymnast if you are Oksana Chusovitina, who competed in Rio at age 41 and in so doing became my spirit animal.

        1. fposte*

          I knew there had been a fortysomething so I chose “become” rather than “be.” If you haven’t started yet, though,it’s not going to happen.

    7. Hellanon*

      I had this dreadful sense of time passing when I was 35, and ended up moving to Europe for a few years at 37. I have to say, that was 20 years ago, and I feel like I have done interesting & useful things in the 15 years since I got back than I could have imagined in the years leading up to the decision to go in the first place. Maybe if 37 feels old, you need to set your sights on something big….

    9. NoMoreMrFixit*

      I started pursuing a degree part time at 37. On hold for now due to being unemployed. But at that age is when I started to truly enjoy my life. You never get over the hill, you merely find higher mountains to climb as you get older.

      Enjoy it!

    11. Patsy Stone*

      Not even close! When I turned 37, I got my dream job I’d been pursuing for a few years, as an overland tour leader in Africa. Did that for a few years, and loved loved loved it. At 43, I decided I needed a massive career change, and went back to school for nursing. Now, at 46, with a college diploma in hand, and working as an RPN since last year, I’ve just started university to upgrade to my Bachelor of Science in Nursing and become an RN. I’ll be 49 by the time I’m done, and then the really interesting part begins! So…no…at 37, life is just getting interesting :D

    12. SAHM*

      Only if you feel old! Age is super relative, I’ve never really understood the whole “I’m getting old!” Phenomena. Maybe because I’m a middle child?

    16. BCHgal*

      Eleven days ago I turned 58 but I still feel like 37. :)
      You’re just getting started!
      (Happy Birthday!)

      1. lcsa99*

        I just hit that two weeks ago (and my husband will do the same in three weeks). It definitely feels more substantial than other birthdays but it’s really not.
        Happy birthday!

    17. OperaArt*

      Too old for what? I’m 59. I’m a software engineer, a professional actor (since I turned 50), a ballroom dancer (since I was 56), I’ve sung in the chorus of 40 operas (all after I was 45)…

  19. Just Tea For Me, Thanks*

    Hi all!

    I could use some advise/different perspective on the following: An old friend/acquantance I used to hang out with occasionally during college contacted me out of the blue through Linkedin and I’m not sure how to respond.

    She contacted me saying she just moved to . I used to live in that city years ago, but it is nowhere near where I live now (from my LinkedIn profile she should be able to see that). We weren’t the best of friends: I felt like a backup friend to her. The only reason why I would meet up is because I don’t have many friends and maybe it would be silly to ignore someone who initiates contact. On the other hand, I can’t shake the feeling that she wants something from me and I don’t want to be the back-up once again. Also: why would she want to meet up if we live so far apart? She didn’t ask me how I was, just that she moved and wanted to meet up.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I would just say “Sorry, I don’t live there anymore!” and then see how she responds.

    3. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

      Trust your feeling. She saw you in Linkedin but didn’t look close enough to see that you are not where she thinks you are. Respond with your real location and if you never hear from her again you have your answer.

    4. Just Tea For Me, Thanks*

      Thank you for your advice! I really appreciate it!

      I have send her a message saying I didn’t live there and let me know if you are around here. She replied almost immediately that she new that I did not live in her new city but was often visiting my city and she would love to meet up. I did not respond.

      I realised that I do not want her as my friend. I was in a bad place for a while, but things are moving up and I am seeing things more positive. I do not need baggage from the past to weigh me down again and will focus on making new friends.

  20. Not So NewReader*

    Alison, did you start the open forum early because of the storm? It’s good to hear how people are doing and what is going on from where they are watching.

  21. The Other Dawn*

    I just did something stupid: I trimmed my own hair. I really wish I didn’t do that, because now I’ll have to run to a Super Cuts or something and explain why my hair is so uneven and have them fix it. I haven’t done this in at least 10 years and I don’t know why I did it now. I mean, I know why, but I don’t know why I actually went through with it.

    I got my hair cut by an acquaintance a couple weeks ago. She did a good job, but didn’t take enough off. That’s not her fault, though. It’s mine. I have very curly, full hair and it’s hard to tell at the salon how much is enough. I got home and could tell I should have has more taken off the sides. But she’s about an hour from me and I really didn’t want to arrange my schedule again to go back and have to pay again. I was thinking about trimming it myself for a few days and then abandoning the idea. Then this morning something just clicked and I did it. Grabbed the scissors and brush and went for it. I can tell that one side is longer than the other, and it doesn’t fall right.

    I feel really embarrassed to have to go somewhere tomorrow and get it fixed. I don’t even know what to say. It’s either admit and look like an idiot, or blame it on someone else. I know, I know. I have to admit it. I just hope it doesn’t have to be chopped so much that it’s really short for a long time.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Just tell them the truth with a small grin on your face.
      I got a really bad cut one time. Well, maybe the cut was fine but I could not style it. She left some of my hair about 8 inches long and some of it 2 inches long, randomly all over my head. She said she would fix it but I did not want to go there again.
      I found another shop. I walked in wearing an obviously bad cut and said, “help?”. They did. They were very professional about it. Like you are saying, I was super embarrassed. Once I got there it wasn’t a big deal for them. I kept apologizing that they had to clean up the mess and they kept saying, don’t worry about it.

      You might be able to change the side your hair is parted on and the shorter side could be closer to the part. This might mean losing less hair over all. I am sure there are other little tricks.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I bit the bullet and went over to Super Cuts. I admitted my stupidity and the stylist wasn’t phased. She said “everyone does it.” She said she did it herself even while she was in hairdressing school thinking that since she’s going to school, it would be a breeze. She said it was terrible and had to have someone fix it for her. I’m home now and it looks SO much better! And it only cost me 20.00.

      As an aside, why are women’s haircuts so expensive? (I don’t mean the 20.00 I just paid. And I’m not asking to be snarky. Just curious.) My former stylist charged me 55.00 for wash and cut only, and that was the “friend of the family” rate. No blow dry, no color or anything. Her replacement charged me 65.00. The person I’ve seen recently charges me 45.00, which isn’t bad compared to what I was paying before.

      1. hermit crab*

        The cost of haircuts is ridiculous around here too. I hate how it costs the same regardless of how long or complicated your hairstyle is. I have very short hair — it’s often shorter than my husband’s! — but I haven’t been able to find a local barber that makes it look good, and actual salons are $$$. Plus if you have super short hair you have to get it cut all. the. time. so it’s not like it’s only a couple times a year. Luckily there is a person I like at the neighborhood Hair Cuttery and haircuts with her only cost $24 (including tip). If she ever leaves, I’m giving up and learning how to give myself a buzzcut!

        1. Really*

          And not all barbers will deal with women. Took my son to barber and then asked if he would trim his sister’s bangs. I think he was actually afraid.

      2. Saturnalia*

        Yay, I’m glad you got it fixed up! I actually do this all the time because I have a hard time explaining what I want, or finding pictures of it ( I really prefer to have unusual hairdos). I do as much on my own as I can, then show up at great clips for a $12 touch-up. I basically say, “can you see what I was trying to do here?” And they say which parts they’ll even up and which parts get additional trimming and it is great. However, I also like the process of trimming off bits of my own hair to find a new look, and I have little worry about looking foolish fir a day (if it’s truly bad I just wear a hat lol).

    3. LizB*

      I think everyone tries trimming their own hair at some point! The how-much-is-enough problem is why I <3 <3 <3 my salon that cuts my very curly hair while it's dry. It means the stylist and I can actually see the length & shape while the cut is happening, instead of just estimating and hoping for the best. Plus they do free curl adjustments for I think a week after a cut, in case one curl decides to go renegade and be a different length than it was during the cut. Definitely expensive, but so worth it for me.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yeah, I used to trim my own bangs, but I have a cowlick and of course it always went awry at the sides a bit. I got so sick of fighting with it that I grew them out and even though I have a fivehead, I would go back to bangs only under duress!

        1. Kit*

          I have a long forehead also and fought with bangs for way too long. Then I looked around and realized I never looked at anyone else’s long forehead and thought “eek! Cover that up!!!” So much nicer to twist my whole head of hair into a nice bun or braid for work.

    4. Red*

      Some advice for next time – I have curly hair also, and it works a lot better when the stylist cuts it while dry. You can get a better idea of how it will turn out that way, and it’s infinitely easier to get an idea of length. If you have different curl patterns on different areas, it will help immensely with that as well, because you don’t have to guess at what it will look like.

      1. KR*

        My favorite thing to do lately has been to show up while my curly poofy hair is dry, say “This is how my hair dries, this is how I normally wear it” then let them have at it. Because I don’t wash my hair often, nor do I brush it more than once a week.

        1. Julia*

          This isn’t any of my business, and maybe you know this already, but maybe your hair is poofy because you brush it. Curly hair is only supposed to be combed gently, I have learned. Mine looks much better now.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks. Liz B and Red! I went to Super Cuts last year and the woman cut my hair while dry and I remember thinking how weird it was, especially because she had curly hair just like mine. Apparently that seems like the better way to go. Who knew?

  22. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

    Is it just me but does the standard take/store 72 hours worth of food and water seem not enough anymore? I don’t live in the hurricane areas but we do get natural disasters and the 72 hours seems to be standardeverywhere. Frankly, I don’t think that these days it’s close to being enough. My friend maintains a 6 month supply, dried foods, water purifier, batteries etc and he maintains that 3 months should be the minimum that people have on hand. Does anyone else keep a cache?

    1. fposte*

      For the kind of natural disasters I would encounter, 72 hours would be just fine. 3 months seems like a lot of money down the drain as you refresh supplies over and over for a need that doesn’t come.

      I think it could make sense to have more if you were in an area where you’d be likely to be confined to the house for more than three days before help arrives, but I don’t think there are many, if any, US areas where three months has been a demonstrated need. Some people are big on stashes (I almost wrote staches–there are people who like those too), and it’s certainly recommended in some cultures and faiths, but I don’t think several months is a necessary practical preparation in most U.S. places.

    2. Book Lover*

      If you need more than a month of supplies, you likely need years of supplies, would be my feeling. Does that make sense? I am in a suburb, and if it took six months to get aid, it would mean the US no longer existed and I would likely have bigger problems than whether I had canned foods to eat.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        At that point, we’d be better off to stock up on garden tools and fruit trees because growing our own would be the only thing left to do.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      The longest I have been house bound and without power here is three days. I do know people who keep a lot of supplies on hand. And I know people who are stock piling prescription drugs because “it’s end times”.

      1. fposte*

        Weirdly, prescription drugs are one of the things I *do* like a bit of a store of–not three months, but I’m guessing it’ll take longer to get prescriptions up and running than food aid in the aftermath of a Joplin-type tornado, which is my disaster marker. So I keep a bottle of older Synthroid from before I changed dosages in my emergency box in case I need to be tided over; it may not retain full potency, but it won’t hurt.

    4. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I think a week of supplies is good if you have to shelter in place. But most disasters in my area require evacuating so unless you can take it with you, it won’t be much use.

    5. dr_silverware*

      That three days is really the time until emergency relief can reach you, or until infrastructure is up enough to resume normal life. I’m in a US city, in a middle-class neighborhood, so I don’t really cache a ton of stuff. And I figure that if it takes longer than the expected three days, we’re in a reallllly serious situation that I don’t care to have anxiety about.

    6. Overeducated*

      I was without power for a week after Sandy, but the outages didn’t cover my whole town that long so I could get to places to buy food, even though I couldn’t get gas or public transportation to leave the area. (A rare reminder that Long Island IS an island.) I remember buying a large cheese pizza and eating it for dinner for three days…cold canned food gets old fast. I think if things were so bad that I couldn’t buy or cook food for three months, my home would probably be uninhabitable and I would be needing to leave ASAP.

      Also there is the issue of storage space, in that lots of apartment dwellers couldn’t possibly store that much food.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I have a Sterno stove and plenty of fuel–it was a godsend after the ice storm. With that and a small camp coffeepot (the kind you put grounds in), I was able to have coffee, make soup and chili, heat water for cocoa, etc. I have an oil lamp for light. If I had a damn fireplace, I could have stayed in here the entire time, because my water heater is gas and the hot water never went out. But after three days, I had to leave, because it was just too cold to cope.

        1. Overeducated*

          Good point. I do have a camp stove, fuel, and non-electric coffee pot now, so at least it wouldn’t be cold food. At the time being able to get a hot takeout pizza, with no power at home and gas shortages, felt funny and surreal and luxurious though….

    7. Aphrodite*

      I live in earthquake country and have a minimum of one week’s worth. In fact, I have duplicates: one in the house and one in the car’s trunk. In addition to water, food, a hand can opener and first aids stuff, I also include clothes (underwear, bras, socks, shoes, shorts, tee shirts, jeans, sweatshirts), toilet paper, paper towels, vinegar, spray bottles, baby wipes, soap, paper plates, plastic silverware, new cat litter box, litter, food both dry and wet, cat leashes and carriers, extra water and bowls, several boxes of disposable gloves, a couple pairs of dishwashing gloves plus a pair of heavy duty ones, lots of LED candles and lanterns with extra batteries, and anything else that would help. It would be bad enough to be displaced but having to wear the same dirty clothes and underwear is just a bit too unbearable. Not to mention the fear that having no lights brings up in me.

    8. Kj*

      2 weeks seem smart to me, but I live on the Cascadia fault. I tend to think that if you are in an area with major natural disasters, 2 weeks is smart. 2 weeks also allows you to help neighbors and such. I’ve survived a few hurricanes, so I have a lot of history with natural disasters.

    9. JKP*

      We stock 3 months of food/water. Part our reasoning is that if we only have 72 hours of supplies for ourselves and then neighbors need help, we wouldn’t have enough. When I think of some of the houses in Houston where they were the only ones in their neighborhood not flooded and hosting 20 or 30 people from the surrounding area, I would feel better with more stocked in case we were that house. A 3 month supply for 2 people seems like a lot, but then that’s only 1 week of supplies for 24 people.

  23. Oh so anonymous*

    Has anyone ever had a healthy, long-tem relationship that straddled the boundaries of friendship and romantic/sexual partnership and didn’t end up like a bad soap opera?

    So here’s the situation: My partner and I broke up when I moved away for graduate/professional school two months ago. We were together for about a year, and long-distance for about 6 months of that. We decided to break up because the odds of us ever living in the same place are very low—there are significant barriers related to citizenship/work permits, niche job markets, and professional licensing that would make it almost impossible, and we have both invested a lot into our respective fields and wouldn’t start new careers from scratch.
    However, we’re still emotionally close. We text most days and Skype about once a week. I think this could be fine if the conversations were platonic, but they keep straying into romantic/sexual territory. I try to avoid the temptation, or steer to other topics, but often I can’t resist. Because of our history of long-distance dating, this feels reasonably comfortable to me, but also wrong because we are no longer “together.” Obviously this would be a problem if one of us started seriously seeing someone else, but I don’t think that’s likely to happen soon for a number of reasons.
    I feel like the conventional romantic advice here is that I should stop talking to them completely so we can each move on, but that seems like a huge loss for no real gain. It probably sounds cliché, but we’re compatible on a fundamental level and I would do anything to keep them in my life in whatever way possible. We’re both going through big life transitions, and not having their support, even at a distance, would be really painful, and I think they would say the same.
    We talk about this but just keep going around in circles, and I’m not sure what to do. Has anyone been in similar situations before? Is there anything wrong with sticking with this status quo for a long time (possibly years), besides it being unconventional? Should I try harder to enforce a “platonic” boundary, even if it means coming off as a killjoy and missing out on warm fuzzy feelings? Any advice appreciated!

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      What a difficult situation. It’s hard to know if you truly can’t cope or if you’re just doing what you’ve always done.

      Could you try going ‘cold turkey’ for a month and then talk together about what you both truly want?

    2. TL -*

      I think that the longer you wait until you take your break, the harder it will be. And the more you keep them in your life, the less room there will be for someone else, so if it’s a goal of yours to be in a relationship, I’d take 6 months apart now and rebuild a friendship after.

      Otherwise you’re just going to remain in this space where enough of your needs are being met to keep you from looking but not enough to keep you happy.

      If you don’t think you’ll want more than what you have now, though, there’s no reason to change.

    3. Inspector Spacetime*

      If you’re happy with the way things are now then don’t worry about what your relationship “should” look like, or what’s “normal.” If you’re happy, then there’s no need to change, and who knows, maybe someday your circumstances will change so you can be geographically close again.

      If you do want things to change, however, like if you want to find a relationship with somebody else, or you’re not happy, then that’s a different matter. Cold turkey or strict boundaries would be the way to do this.

    4. neverjaunty*

      Any situation where you’re ‘straying’, where you ‘can’t resist’ temptation to bring things up against your better judgment, etc., is one that isn’t going to end well. ANY situation where you’re doing things you don’t want to do, or where you won’t admit to yourself that you are really doing things that you want to be doing, is a train wreck.

      Either decide you don’t want to move on and enjoy the LDR, or break it off, but the Skype Chats of Plausible Deniability are a bad and useless middle.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I agree, and at some point, one of you may decide you want to pursue something with another person. That would force the issue. I think it would be far more painful then, because the new person might feel strange about you keeping a tie to a former lover when it’s not strictly platonic.

        1. Effie, moving forward without self judgement*

          Seconded.

          I think it would be kind for both of you to take some space apart.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      I’ve never had something like that work out. The problem was that it’s hard to “stay friends” when you haven’t actually been friends. I don’t to romance and sex things with my friends. My advice depends on what you want. If you want a relationship with someone you can see every day, you need to end your current situation. If you want THIS PERSON and no one else, stick with what you’re doing. Unfortunately, you have to choose between the person you want and the relationship-type you want, and then you have to factor in whether he meets someone else.

    6. Managing to get by*

      Do you want to find an available partner and develop a full relationship? Does this relationship keep you from making progress on that?
      How will you feel if he starts fading out once he starts dating or meets someone where he lives?
      How will you feel if he doesn’t fade out, and continues the text/skype flirting while starting to date or after he meets someone? Imagine the flirting has continued, and you are going to be in his city or near him, and when you ask to get together, he says “oh, I don’t think my girlfriend would like that” or “great, I’d love for you to meet Veronica!”.
      How will you handle this if you meet someone? Will you continue the flirting? At what point will you set boundaries with him?
      Is this relationship keeping you from moving on by filling some, but not all, of your relationship needs?

      If you are not interested in finding a full, local relationship, and won’t be hurt if he moves on before you, then continue. It meets some of your needs. But if this is blocking you from moving on, or if you are using it as a convenient way to avoid moving on, consider setting clearer boundaries.

  24. Fake old Converse shoes*

    Since my feed is still flooded with “back to school” posts, I ask here. Why U.S. universities are not free of charge? My parents went to public and free universities, and so do I now. Yes, the system has its downsides (crowded classrooms, admission courses and exams so diffucult that make national news, just to name a few) but even then it’s worth even trying.

    1. fposte*

      A bunch of reasons, but in general the U.S. is much more focused on private payment models than on government supported institutions than most European countries, and that goes for everything from health care to tax preparation to the university system. I’m rather impressed, now that I think about it, that we managed to make public school free for children in this culture.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        But even with public school “free,” many public schools receive far less funding than other public schools…

        1. fposte*

          No argument (same for any public institution, in fact), but the expense for the student is still covered.

      2. Fake old Converse shoes*

        The government here gives you financial aid, but they require top marks and proof you are struggling to make ends meet. Even if you meet the requirements, not everyone gets it, and sadly it’s less than minimum wage. However top universities have privately funded (usually important companies for tax reasons and the occasional graduate who wants to give back something to the institution) work and study programs and study materials aid which are usually easier to get.

      3. blackcat*

        Free public school for children is basically the result of child labor laws (so kids needed somewhere to be once they were booted from the mines) and xenophobia. They proliferated at a time of rapid mass emigration and were designed to teach kids to be “american” (eg instill patriotism and teach american english).

    2. the real olivia benson*

      I live in Scotland where if you are a Scottish resident, university tuition is paid for and due to a loophole, EU students also receive this funding. UK (those from Ireland, Wales, England) and international students (those outwith the EU) pay money. However, the downside is that those who have their tuition paid for are held to a higher standard – they need higher grades than those who pay. You can look at admissions statistics which I’m sure you can find on most universities. You can definitely find them for the one I work for (which is why I’m anon).

      2. Dot*

        Really?? I had no idea there were different standards for paying and non-paying students at the Scottish university I attended (as an EU national, i.e. non-paying). That’s truly wild!

        I never had to send any documentation of my grades to the SAAS and the grade requirements were clearly stated beforehand and lined up with all the conditional offers I got, but I suppose they may have only made those offers to non-paying students whose predicted grades etc. were significantly above the stated requirements, it’s not like we’d actually know!

        This really changes my view of my cohort — was that why the majority of my classmates were from England?? Wow.

        1. bluesboy*

          I believe the original intention was to make Scottish Universities free just for Scots. But EU law, while it has no problem with member states discriminating within their own borders, doesn’t let you discriminate against other EU citizens.

          So all EU citizens from outside the UK HAVE to be treated in the same way as the Scots. But other UK (not Scottish) citizens can be (and are) discriminated against. Meaning a Greek (for example) can have free university education in the UK, but an English person can’t.

          Not sure that was exactly the original intention, but that’s how it worked out…

          1. Dot*

            Oh, that wasn’t what I was reacting to. I personally think the system is fair for anyone except those who end up having to pay the fees — Scots and any other EU students (including people from England, Wales and Northern Ireland) can study for free in my country so why not? In my opinion tuition fees are horrible for so many reasons, but then a lot of people here choose UK and US universities and end up in 3-4 times as much debt as they would have had if they’d gone for a comparable degree in this country. (I completely understand the value of going abroad, but I could never have justified choosing a fee-based degree when there were other good options. Had I been offered a place at Oxford it might have been different but fortunately I didn’t get in so I didn’t have to make that choice.)

            My surprise was at holding different students to different standards when they’re going for the same degrees. That’s really shocking to me.

            1. the real olivia benson*

              It’s shocking but also necessary because the govt can only fund x amount each year, therefore 1 way to limit this is to, for example say that Scottish students need 4/5 A’s at Higher (our equivalent to A Levels) whereas an English student may only need ABB at A Level for the same degree. It is what it is.

        2. the real olivia benson*

          If you’d already achieved your results – Int Bac, French Bac, Arbitur, whatever then your offer would be without conditions. Where I work the requirements are clearly stated for Scottish students (those taking highers), A Levels and IB. The differences can be seen.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      Because under the free-college models, fewer students get to attend. Because Americans keep a larger percentage of their paycheck than people in socialist countries, which is something that is often overlooked. We pay less in taxes than people in, say, Denmark, where the tax rate maxes out at 60% according to CNN. In Austria and the UK taxes can be 50%. Americans pay about 40% max, with a lot of us paying closer to 25-30%. We can’t get more stuff from the government without paying higher taxes, and Americans aren’t prepared for that.

      1. misspiggy*

        50% tax affects a very small number of people in the UK, and everyone except Scotland pays for university. It’s been a political choice in the UK to tax companies very low and minimise public funding of services.

  25. EA*

    Wanted to let everyone in Boston know that the boden sample sale is next Saturday at hynes convention center.

    I was looking for work clothes and Alison recommended boden. I went to the sample sale last February. It is overwhelming and you need to get there early, but I got good stuff for good prices. Check Facebook for the price list . I recommend it for anyone looking for work clothes.

  26. CatCat*

    I shall continue last week’s candle project this weekend. My first paraffin candle looks like it will turn out. It had some sinking around the wick and I poked some holes at the base to relieve any air pockets. I expected this might happen and saved some of the wax so I could do a second pour in this situation.

    My soy candles turned into a DISASTER. The wax separated from the fragrance and it just looks a mess. I don’t think I added too much fragrance as I followed the specs for the wax so I think the problem was the temperature I used. I’m going to have to melt them all down and try re-heating, re-stirring, and re-pouring them. Oy.

    I’ll share pics when this project actually turns out :-)

    1. Amadeo*

      I have thought about trying to make candles too. They sound, on the whole, just about as complicated as soap, really, but at least a chandler’s version of ‘rebatching’ is a lot less of a pain than a cold process soaper’s. Can’t wait to see your pictures!

      1. CatCat*

        They’re really fun to make and I’ve been enjoying learning about the science behind how candles work. There are super helpful facebook groups.

  27. Chocolate Teapot*

    In an attempt to shift some weight, I have taken up Zumba. A local gym offers classes on a block of 10 sessions basis if you don’t want to sign up for a monthly contract, which suits me fine. Some weeks I may have concerts or practices to attend, and I would be loathe to pay for something I could not use.

    Anyway, I have no idea if it’s working, but I would like to think I feel thinner.

    1. matcha123*

      I love Zumba! I don’t know if it helped with my weight. But as a suggestion, when I went to my first class years ago, I was beat. I thought I’d never go again. The second class was sooo much easier! And the subsequent classes after that have been hard (depending on the instructor), but not as hard as that first one.
      Don’t push yourself too hard. Check out some videos online. Hopefully your instructor has a good mix and fun steps.

    3. Lilo*

      I love Zumba, but I will say my experience varies from teacher to teacher.

      The benefits I noticed when I started working/dance classes were much more flexibility and confidence in movement and cardio endurance than weight loss right away. But after six months or so, I definitely developed a lot more muscle tone/core strength. Zumba’s biggest weakness is probably a lack of upper body strengthening, at least, the classes I’ve been to.

    4. BeautifulVoid*

      I also decided I need to get up and moving more, so I signed up for a Zumba class for the first time. I start next week!

  28. Anons on a Plane*

    So, I live in Florida, but my husband and I have been overseas to try IVF. Timing never being on my side, my last appointment wasn’t until this morning. Husband was able to leave a few days ago to prep the house and check on my parents, which was the right decision but meant the embryo transfer took place without him. I’m typing this on the plane back to the States, but of course can’t get home, really, with all the airports shut. Not being able to get to my family is really bothering me, although I know they’re well-prepared. Can’t help but worry from a distance though, you know? Also, I used all my PTO to make this trip happen so I’m bonus-anxious about making it to work by Tuesday. I know these are small problems in the grand scheme of things but my anxiety likes to really ramp up in situations like this (also, most other situations, if I’m being honest). Anyway, just wanted to put all that out to the universe … I hope everyone rides out the storm ok.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I know it’s impossible, but try not to stress too much for the sake of the embryos! Take care of yourself and good luck with everything.

    2. Muriel Heslop*

      Please take care of yourself as best you can! I know that is easier said than done, but try to do what you can to ease your anxiety. Best wishes to your loved ones as they ride out the storm.

    6. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

      As someone who has undergone multiple rounds of IVf and FETs, I’ll be thinking of you, hoping for sticky dust, and praying your timing works well. I know it’s stressful worrying about your home and your family’s safety, but think of this as an awesome adventure story you can tell your kid. You wouldn’t want to share the anxiety; you’d want to share the cool stuff you got to do.

  29. matcha123*

    A few years ago I found out that I had an unread message on facebook. If you didn’t know, facebook sends messages from people that are not friends into a different, somewhat hidden folder.
    The message was from someone I knew in high school. I didn’t read it, but I have spent a long, perhaps too long time thinking about the sender. See, this girl and another “friend” and I spent a good amount of time together in high school. Both of them came from wealthy families with relatives that lived overseas. They were both bilingual and grew up spending time in other countries. I came from a very poor family and worked through school.
    I’m certain this girl has fond memories of our high school time, but all I remember is how badly I feel I was treated. The two girls had me spend my money on renting videos and buying pizza because I had a part-time job, despite me explaining that I also needed to pay for groceries and other things. They would ignore me when the three of us were together, and this particular girl suggested I take a cab to the movie theater because they wouldn’t go to a later time (for me to take the bus) and they didn’t want to swing by my house to pick me up.
    Now, I wonder if it’s better to leave this or to let her know why exactly I haven’t replied to her message. This girl is from a rich family and I don’t think she could understand that I was poor. Probably her image of poverty was one of tattered clothing and starvation. I really want to write back, but I also don’t want to sound like a weirdo.

    1. fposte*

      I don’t think there’s much point in telling her that several years ago you were unhappy with her. I’d delete the message and move on. (Is it possible you’re also unhappy with yourself for being unwilling to say no to cab rides and pizzas or to let go of friends who insisted that was the price of membership? If so, I’d forgive yourself and move on there too.)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. Most of us have allowed friends to get away with stuff we shouldn’t have. And some of us have found that people who we thought were friends actually were not. This sounds like where you are at.

        Promise yourself that you will never make yourself go through something like this again and delete her message without answering.

        1. matcha123*

          Because of things that happened in high school, I vowed to never contact people from high school on facebook. I did break that vow, but for people I felt happy being around. Another friend from that time friended me soon after I got facebook and she must have asked that girl about me a few years ago.
          I wish I could say that stuff that happened in 2000 has no meaning to me, but my reactions to simple things seem to have their roots in this stuff.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Do what you gotta do to keep yourself on an even keel. I have had to make some of the choices about a couple people over recent years and while it was hard to walk away, it was the exact right thing in the long run.

      2. matcha123*

        I guess the friendship with her and another girl kind of had a huge impact on how I deal with people now. With the cab, she had called me up to invite me to a movie, knowing that my family didn’t have a car, but said that stopping by my place would have been too much trouble. I didn’t go because it would have taken over 2 hours to get there by bus.
        Another time she had her mom drive her over to my house to take money that I promised, and she agreed to, take a few days later when I got my paycheck. She called from outside of my house saying she was there for the money (about $15 in total).
        I guess since we hung out frequently, in my case more with her and another girl than any other friends, I wonder if I should open up.

          1. matcha123*

            I don’t expect any reply from her. But, I feel like it would make me feel better if I “manned up” and told her that when she did A, B, and C, those times had a lasting impact on me in a negative way and that’s why I didn’t jump at the opportunity to reconnect.
            Not looking for an apology. Not really looking for an explanation. I would prefer someone know why I am not trying to reach out after they’ve contacted me, rather than leave it unanswered.

            1. Courtney*

              Honestly, I think it would be pretty strange to basically shame someone for being a self-centered teenage girl many years ago. It doesn’t sound like she was behaving maliciously – she just didn’t get it. Adding onto that are the facts that she sent this message years ago and you never read it. So you already have left it unanswered. It happens. People do that. I don’t think she needs an explanation why. It seems like this is more about how deeply this has affected you and apparently still is – have you ever considered talking to a therapist about that? I don’t mean that as an insult, I’ve done therapy and will actually be starting it again next week. It just sounds like a disproportionate response your mind is having here, particularly given that you’re dwelling on this years later and saying it affects the way you handle things in your life to this day. That’s pretty heavy for some teenage girls who were thoughtless and not great friends. Perhaps it’s more about the way you grew up – your finances and extra responsibilities that most teens don’t have to deal with?

    2. Temperance*

      I honestly don’t think there’s a real benefit to you telling her this now. You aren’t going to feel better if you do.

      I don’t think that your friends were necessarily mean, they were teenage girls who couldn’t imagine that another teen was forced to pay bills for whatever reason. I mean, I grew up in a poor family with a lot of issues at home, and honestly, only two of my friends from that time even know now.

      As a teen, you were probably trying to hide being poor. It’s okay! It’s what most of us do.

      1. matcha123*

        I don’t think they were trying to be mean, at least this girl wasn’t. She was just horribly clueless and it was hurtful. I mean, making a joke about Americans being monolingual and not having passports might be cute if my family was vacationing at ski resorts and taking trips to Hawaii, but we didn’t even have a car.
        I think I did peek at her facebook page around that time, and saw writings about people needing to be compassionate to those in need and just felt really angry.

        Yes, I also poured a huge amount of energy into not looking outwardly poor and not talking about my family situation. I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at wealthy classmates who complained that their parents weren’t buying them the brand of car they wanted or that they had to take Kaplan classes that cost thousands of dollars…

    4. AnonAndOn*

      I had a “friend” like this from middle school to early high school. The school I attended ran from middle school through the end of high school. She was much better off financially than I was too. She was a toxic friend. She’d tell people my secrets, encourage me to ask out boys who had no interest in me (then say “I told you not to ask him out!” even though the opposite was true), and lie all the damn time. It was as if she got a thrill from being “better than” poor, pathetic me. I was bullied in school and abused at home and was so broken down by life, and very naive at the time. I believed her and her lies. She transferred to a different school in early high school. The last time I saw her in person was in early college when I was out in public.

      Years later she’d try to reach out to me on social media. I’d reject and ignore all her requests. Even my sister said, “Mary Jones (clearly not her real name) has been trying to get in touch with you.” I said I had no interest in reaching out. Mary finally got the hint and stopped trying to request me.

      At times I wanted to find out why she was unkind to me but realized I didn’t need to. There was no point. Her opinion no longer mattered to me. While I’m still trying to piece a lot of my life back together and build my esteem, I am at a better point where I no longer need toxic friends.

      It’s your choice as to whether or not you respond to your former friend, but I would suggest thinking about what you expect to gain from her first.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I would not reply to her on Facebook. But I would write her a letter in a separate document. Say all the things you wish you could say to her face. Really let it all out. Then leave the letter in your document folder and later, you can delete it.

    6. Zip Zap*

      You could read the letter before deciding what to do. If you don’t want to read it, it’s definitely not worth worrying about. But it could be something that would have an impact on the way you’re thinking about this.

      Also, I sympathize. I went to school with kids who had a lot more money than I did. I went through similar stuff. It really sucked.

  30. Aargh*

    Just got a letter from the council telling me I need to replace the front door of my flat with a fire door within 28 days. That’s £2500 I don’t have.

    Anyone know any decent companies that install doors in London UK?

      1. Aargh*

        Nope – there is nothing wrong with the existing doors, they’re just not fire doors. Plus my phone line currently runs through the door frame, so I’m guessing that will be a problem.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Check with friends/neighbors to see if they know a good handyman who knows doors well.
      Then check clearance areas at building supply stores or perhaps you can find an entire store that is all clearance stuff. I have never been, but here we have a Habitat for Humanity store. Not sure if you would have a similar thing. And I am not sure if the pricing would be a good deal.

      I found an interior fire door at a clearance store for a couple hundred dollars. My contractor/friend billed me his hourly rate to install it. My friend is unusually good at dealing with doors and the project went fairly quick.

    3. caledonia*

      Have you called your council at all? I couldn’t magic up that amount of money either – are you in a council owned place or a shared housing community or something? Do they have funds for you to access?

      1. Aargh*

        It’s a leasehold flat in a council-owned building which means no, they won’t help. If I was a council tenant they’d pay for it but as an owner-occupier it’s my responsibility.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          If it’s leasehold, who’s the management company – the council? A contractor? – and are you sure it isn’t their job?

          1. Aargh*

            No, according to my lease I am responsible for the front door of the flat. It’s possible they will do the work (the letter isn’t totally clear about that) but I definitely have to pay.

            1. misspiggy*

              The council usually does the work themselves in situations like this, hence the high cost. Best thing would be to call and say you didn’t understand the letter. If they do the work, ask for a payment plan. If they don’t, ask for recommended tradespeople.

  31. Amadeo*

    Today, I science! I want to make an attempt at an in-shower lotion bar (the sort where you get it wet and it becomes lotion you can rub on just prior to turning the shower off and toweling off, more or less). I’ve already made actual lotion, from scratch, so I’ve got what I need there. Also plan to try to make a milk soap (with oatmeal, and an oatmeal, milk and honey scent…Breakfast at the Burrow?) that I *don’t* have to rush to the freezer to keep it from overheating.

    It’s quite nice to have a good way to scratch the Mad Scientist itch.

    2. Amadeo*

      Sciencing went well, I think. I suspect I may have another partial gel in the milk soap, but at least I didn’t have to take it to the freezer. The in-shower lotion bar I kind of really like. I am weird in that I don’t particularly like having to stop to put lotion or body butter on post-shower, so it was kind of really nice to have a bar I could just kind of, make lotion with, right in the shower, rub it on, rinse a little bit and step out already feeling like I’d moisturized. The next step is seeing how well the preservatives hold it up while it lives on a nice, well drained dish in the shower.

  32. Detective Amy Santiago*

    Did you all see the horrible letter Dear Prudence got from the mom who suggested her daughter’s best friend would “ruin the aesthetic” of her wedding because she limps?

    2. Courtney*

      Yes! When your own words make it that clear that you are the bad guy in the story…yeah. I don’t know how people like that re-dead what they wrote and don’t have a “OMG what am
      I doing?!” moment.

      1. nep*

        But if it’s the kind of person who would even have that thought to begin with — that this young woman would somehow spoil her daughter’s wedding because of a limp — it’s really no surprise that re-reading it wouldn’t trigger any big realization. Even the question at the end — ‘Is it wrong to have her friend sit out?’ — doesn’t even really register any real remorse about her stance here…really just feels like she’s wondering why daughter or anyone would make a big fuss about her reservations.
        Just. So. Ugly.

        1. fposte*

          I always wonder about how isolated people like that have to be. Not so much that she *has* these ugly impulses but that she genuinely hasn’t gotten the memo that the world thinks this approach sucks.

            1. fposte*

              Oh, that’s true, I suppose. So she wrote in assuming that the advice columnist would commiserate with her terrible problem. Ugh.

          4. FD*

            In my experience, people like this have filtered it out because any time someone has a negative reaction to something they say and do–why, it’s the other person’s fault, of course!

            I mean, we all do that to some extent–if you accidentally cut someone off in traffic, everyone makes mistakes, but if someone cuts you off, they’re an idiot and a bad driver. But some people realllly take that talent to the next level.

          5. Zip Zap*

            Sadly not everyone thinks it sucks. She might be isolated, or she might just surround herself with other people who think the same way.

    3. nep*

      I nearly got out of breath reading this letter. Dumbfounded. Sickened.
      There’s a special place in hell for letter writer.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        It’s kind of amazing she raised a daughter who is aware enough to cut her off for making a comment like that.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      I have now!

      Oh my god, what a woman.

      I like that she put in brackets that she and her daughter were never that close. It really explains a lot.

    5. Annie Moose*

      Here’s hoping it’ll show up on Bad Advice, my favorite advice column on the internet! (for the uninitiated, a link will be in the reply)

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Aww. Mallory was too nice. She should have told the woman to stay home from her daughter’s wedding because the mother’s mere presence would ruin the aesthetic.

    7. Mimmy*

      OMG, what a terrible mother. I agree with Mallory – very ableist.

      When I was married in 1999, one of my bridesmaids was visibly disabled from a near-fatal brain infection a few years prior, and if my parents acted like that, I’d feel deeply ashamed. In fact, we did the entrance procession a little differently as a result to accommodate her (her balance was significantly impaired), though in hindsight, I wonder if it might’ve been a bit ableist, if unintentionally so.

      1. Amazed*

        Redoing the procession to accomodate the disabled sounds like the total opposite of ableist! Good on you.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        If my parents did something like that, I would tell them that Friend WILL be in my wedding and if they say ONE DAMN WORD the entire time, including at the reception, I will have them removed. Forcibly, if necessary. (Mine wouldn’t, thank goodness.)

        I don’t think that’s ableist at ALL. In fact, I think it’s awesome.

    8. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      That first off-hand remark about it being a birth defect instead of a medical condition…like if she had a limp because of cancer, that would be totally ok, but a birth defect is what makes it unacceptable. Wow.

  33. Dinosaur*

    We adopted a kitten this week! The rescue that we worked with was phenomenal and kitty is getting settled. I haven’t had a kitten in 20 years so I’m a bit rusty about cat stuff. Everything is going well but I’d love some advice and recommendations!

    1. Scratching–how do we get her to scratch the scratching post and cardboard mat? We’ve been redirecting her when she scratches the couch or carpet by picking her up and moving her to the appropriate scratching areas, we play with her on the scratching pad and post to encourage her, and we’ve sprayed the furniture with an anti-scratching spray (eucalyptus and lemon oil are the main ingredients). Is there anything else we should do?

    2. Litter recommendations–what brands do you like? We bought a thing of So Phresh at Petco but I don’t like it. The litter is big and sticks to our kitten’s paws and therefore gets spread everywhere and it’s not so great at odor control. What litters do y’all like?

    Thanks in advance!

    1. Pearl*

      Do you have any catnip or catnip spray? This is the only way I’ve gotten my cat to acknowledge the scratch post. She doesn’t like the cardboard ones because they move too easily when she scratches them though.

      For litter I use World’s Best, which is a non-clay litter. It does track some but I put down a mat in front of the box and it helps. We used to use a pine brand but I moved and the pet store by my new house didn’t stock it.

      1. Dinosaur*

        I sprinkled a bunch of catnip on both scratch places when we first got them but she didn’t seem to react. I’ll look into a spray, though! I’ve heard that litter is good. I have a mat but it’s still tracking farther than that so I definitely need a new litter. Thanks for the recs!

        1. Is It Performance Art*

          If she doesn’t respond to catnip, she’ll probably respond to silver vine. Some cats will just roll around in it, but some will scratch it.

    2. periwinkle*

      1. Agreeing with Pearl – catnip spray and powdered catnip may attract the kitten to the appropriate scratching site. As she gets bigger, upgrade her scratching post to something tall so she can scratch at full streeeeeeeeeeetch. I have a SmartCat post (from Amazon) that’s 32″ tall and has a flat wood cap on top. Some cats love to scratch it, others like to sit on top of it. It may help to have some variety, and you can even hack your own scratching post by wrapping a table leg in sisal rope.

      Caveat: Not all cats respond to catnip. You could also try mint. FYI, menthol may have the same effect, and I’ve had to stop using Icy Hot because one of my cats treats me like a large catnip toy when I put the stuff on. Weird. Cats are weird.

      2. We use Dr. Elsey’s Precious Cat Ultra multi-cat litter – it’s a clumping litter and less expensive than the EverClean we used to use. Our 8 cats approve. We use it in standard boxes and our two Litter Robots. Definitely use a mat. I saw one at Petsmart that I need to try – it’s a dual-layer one with holes on the top layer so the litter debris will fall through. Might be a pain to clean but I’ll probably try it out.

      Happy Kittening!

      1. Dinosaur*

        We’ve got a 6ft tall cat tree with multiple scratching posts coming next week so hopefully that will be tall enough, haha! Good to know about mint–I can only imagine how you felt becoming the human scratching post after the Icy Hot. Dr. Elsey’s was a brand I was looking into so it’s good to know that it has your 8(!) kitties’ approval!

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Yes! I love Precious Cat! We have 11 cats and I buy about four bags every three weeks (with two kittens, we go through a lot of litter because they’re dirty little buggers!).

        I second trying some catnip on the scratching post and cardboard.

        And congratulations!!

    3. Clever Name*

      Agree with the others on scratching. Also keep in mind that some cays prefer the vertical posts and others prefer the horizontal ones. I have both kinds since each cat likes a different type. Be found the plain carpet ones less appealing to cats than the ones covered in rope.

      I use feline pine litter. It’s not clumping at all, but I find it really helps to reduce the pee odor.

      1. periwinkle*

        Adding onto that… those corrugated cardboard scratchers are popular amongst our clowder. Right now we have a standard rectangle (all scratched out, really, but the cats like to sleep on it) and some which are S-shaped or arched or otherwise not a flat rectangle.

        HomeGoods/Marshalls have pet product and I’ve bought several of the cardboard scratchers there at a discount. I always check out the pet supply section when I visit HomeGoods – it’s a good source for cat beds and tunnels, and recently the nearby one has been carrying full-sized cat trees as well.

    4. Allie Oops*

      We use Ever Clean Extra Strength Unscented, due to a picky cat who wouldn’t accept anything else. I’ve never found any clumping litter that’s great with tracking, so we just keep a little Shop Vac in the linen closet and stay vigilant with it. Crystal, corn, and newspaper litters are better with tracking, but I’ve never gotten Miss Priss to accept any of those, and I know that have their own issues.

      Also, not to sound like an ad, but a coworker got me into ordering litter from Chewy, and I am a new-found fanatic. Free 1-2 shipping over $49, so I order two bags of litter and UPS brings it within 36 hours. Not having to fight to get heavy bags into and out of my trunk anymore makes me giddy.

    5. Ellie*

      Kittens don’t react to catnip- they need to get closer to adulthood to feel its effects, so trying to get her interested in the scratching posts using catnip now won’t work if she truly is a kitten.

      And litter? Swheat Scoop- flushable, controls odor, biodegradable!

      1. C*

        Don’t buy Swheat if you have any family members with celiac disease or gluten sensitivity though! Especially if your cat goes on your kitchen counters.

    6. Snargulfuss*

      Don’t buy Tidy Cat litter! I bought a big bucket of it upon a recommendation and it’s horrible at covering smells. Even brand new it has a funny litter box smell. I had a bucket of SoFresh before this and it was much better, both in terms of smell and clumping.

    7. Simon and Sophie mom*

      Check out Pretty Litter. The litter isn’t dusty, it warns you if kitty is sick and you only change it once a month.

    8. KR*

      I had luck putting the scratching posts and cardboard scratchy things where she was scratching. Also, worlds best cat litter (name of brand) is great.

  34. JuniperJones*

    So I’m a big girl and I’m dating online….or trying to. My profile pictures are current and accurate yet on a couple of dates guys have said ‘you’re bigger in person’. I guess most of us are larger than a 4×6 photograph in person but for bigger women it’s a frustrating thing to hear. I changed tack a little and now bring up the ‘big girl thing’ during our emails, not in a dramatic way or a negative one just as a point of clarity so I don’t get gussied up for the bar for no reason. I find a lot of guys come back with ‘oh I’m no oil painting either’ and I’m at home thinking….I didn’t say I was hideous or ugly!

    I know lots of larger ladies have great partners and relationships but I actually find it really tough to meet people. I list my body type as big in my profile, have plenty of accurate photos and yet still….nada. Are there any other plus size gals with tips to share?

    1. BT*

      It sounds like you are just being upfront about your appearance and people are interpreting it as you disclosing a negative feature. Perhaps you could try adding a bit in your profile that you love yourself and your appearance, that you have uploaded accurate pictures, and if someone has a problem with how you look in those pictures, they shouldn’t bother getting in touch with you. Such a statement would be hard to misinterpret as you saying something negative about yourself – and if it is misinterpreted as that, then you can easily filter that person out of your pool of potential dates.
      For what it’s worth, I met my partner on a dating website 3 years ago (and married him earlier this year). In my profile, I chose not to say anything under “body type”, because I feel those labels are very subjective and sometimes upsetting. I just uploaded a bunch of recent pictures, some of which were head-to-toe shots.

    2. NaoNao*

      I am cusp-sized, and tall (5’10” in bare feet and about a 16 or so). Because I’m both tall and curvy, I tend to come off as a bit bigger than perhaps someone who was either “just” tall or “just” curvy/plus. So, when I was online dating I did two things:

      I compared my body type to a similar TV character so that men would have a clear idea of what I looked like
      I used full body photos that, while flattering, were accurate and recent

      I also read profiles *very* carefully and I stayed away from the “swipe right” type apps in general. I read the OKC questions; and if a guy answered the ones about weight or body type *regardless of how he answered* it was a pass. I didn’t want that to be forefront of my potential guy’s mind.

      For men that I felt might not be okay with a curvy/plus woman, I came right out and said it “Hey, I’m both tall and pretty curvy, is that okay with you?” Most said yes, but sometimes guys are swiping right and not really focused/or paying attention. Then when they message you or vice versa, only the *thumbnail* appears, and that’s usually your face. So they’re not focused on the full-body pics.

      If a guy uses the following phrases on his profile, he’s *likely* looking for a conventionally slender woman:

      “Takes care of herself”
      “Fit, healthy”
      “Works out”
      “Height/weight proportional”
      “Into fitness”
      “I prefer petite” (they mean very slender, small women, not short women)

      I also noticed that men who didn’t mention sports, working out, fitness or “health” in their profile (even if they were healthy!) were more likely to be easy going about body type.

      One thing you might also consider is being open about your healthy lifestyle, if that’s something you’re pursuing. Perhaps something like “I walk to work daily, and love to swim at the YMCA. I play a mean game of table tennis and Friday nights find me preparing my Whole30 treat meals!” Or whatever!! Just note the positive steps you’re taking to stay healthy, as there’s an unfortunate stereotype that heavier people are not healthy. That may at least head off concern trolls at the pass.

      Honestly, online dating might not be the best bet for plus sized women. I’ve had a lot more luck in person; my ex and my now-guy I both met at work, and was friends with both first. I feel that both seeing me in person, where my style, personality, and “aura” are in play, and being friends helped these guys see me as a whole person, not just a body type.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Can I just say that as a woman who is in fact quite slender and legitimately into fitness (I ran eight miles this morning!), and who is currently trying online dating, these comments from men rub me completely the wrong way! Guys who put physical specs for their ideal spouse in their profile come off sounding pretty entitled and superficial, especially when they follow it up with some comment wondering why no woman has been attracted to them yet. I think that online dating, great as it can be (I have close friends who met their SO online), reinforces unhealthy relationship patterns and a consumerist approach to love.

    3. SandrineSmiles (France)*

      Here’s how I did it back then:
      – main pic is a face as smile-y as possible
      – in the other pics, at least one full body goofy pic
      – one “look at me, I know I’m sexy” pic (with a tasteful selfie type pic with a teeny tiny bit of cleavage)

      I put my first name in the beginning of my profile paragraph. This way, I could filter out men who asked my name. Or who had photos of them in what I call the “Look at my CAR” pose (for some reason, I never met any interesting guy who had his car in his profile pic. A random selfie, okay, fine, but some people are weird about that) .

      Guess what: people will be assholes no matter what. If you’re plus size, they’ll insult that. If you’re slender, they’ll insult something else. So I just dealt with it the same way I deal with anyone now: you’re an asshole, I rule you out.

      Just because you’re plus size doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get to enjoy this part of the world of dating.

      I wish you the best!

    4. SeekingBetter*

      I’m about 20 pounds overweight at the moment. And even though I’m not or ever have tried online dating, I still found it hard to attract men when I was meeting them organically at work, school, exercise classes, bars, etc. When I was at my heaviest (60 pounds overweight) in high school, I’m pretty sure most of the boys back then didn’t ever approach me or ask me on a date because of my weight. And I was one of the 10 obese girls back then in my school.

      I think a lot of guys might have it in their heads that they’d like to go out with a size-2 supermodel. I mean, not all guys are like this, but I think it might be harder to attract a guy who desires a girl for who you are and not only base their attraction off of looks alone. It’s kinda a bad societal standard we put up with. Anyway, no advice other than just be you and hope that a guy comes along who doesn’t make the “you’re bigger in person” comment when he meets you in person.

      1. Zip Zap*

        I think a lot of guys are thinking of what other people will think of them. There’s a really wide range in what people actually find attractive, but what’s considered desirable by society as a whole is narrower. Fortunately, not everyone cares! I don’t know how helpful this is, but I think that openly liking who you like tends to go hand in hand with being ready for a relationship. People who are superficial or worried about what their friends will think are best weeded out.

  35. Trie*

    I’m an immigrant (in the U.S.) with very limited knowledge of the American homeownership process and options. I’d really appreciate some financial advice from more knowledgeable folks. My spouse and I are planning to buy a house next year as first-time home buyers. Spouse is self-employed with a credit score of approximately 740. I am salaried with a credit score of approximately 770. Our budget maxes out at $130,000. We can put down around 5% of that. Our internet research hasn’t really confirmed whether a FHA loan or a conventional loan would be better for us, since our credit scores are very good but our down payment would be low. Any thoughts on which option would work out better (in terms of monthly payments and total loan amount)? Please let me know if you need any more information before you can weigh in. Thanks!

    1. fposte*

      This is the kind of thing a lender or broker might be able to give you some guidance on without costing you anything, and there’s sometimes regional/state variation on real estate law and convention so it’s worth getting some advice locally.

      However, FHA vs. conventional is a pretty common comparison–if you Google “FHA vs. conventional loan” you’ll get a bunch of pages breaking down the difference. But generally, if you can’t put down 20% to avoid having to pay PMI (insurance), the FHA loan tends to come out ahead.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Just one note about FHA loans: they are really picky about the condition of the house. Just putting that out there since my husband and I tried to get one to do a refi and they wanted us to put a brand new roof on our BARN. Because the barn was considered part of the house and property, it was collateral and as a result had to be in good condition also. Never mind that it’s nearly 300 years old and still standing. Since putting a new roof on the barn would have negated any savings, we passed.

      1. fposte*

        Heh. I’m in one of those LCOL areas where that would be a fine and reasonable price, so I didn’t think twice about it; good question.

      2. Red*

        Good question, I didn’t even think twice about that! Where I live, $60k will buy you a pretty decent house, $130k will buy you a fantastic one. Definitely pay attention to what is reasonable for your area.

        1. Sparkly Librarian*

          One of the stories I got this weekend was about my mom’s first house in Santa Barbara – a 2/1 bungalow with a bonus sunroom and mature fruit trees, for which she paid $37,500 in the early 1970s. I think my wife cried a little. (We bought a couple years ago in the Bay Area.)

          1. Chaordic One*

            This made me think of the small 3-bedroom/1-bath house my grandmother bought for $12,000 in a small mid-western town back in 1967 when I was growing up. I just looked it up on Zillow and it supposedly now has a value of $123,000. (although they turned the attached single-car garage into a room and built a new double garage in back). There are definitely some Low COL areas out there, but you’d probably have a very hard time finding a job there.

            1. MsChanandlerBong*

              In 1978, my parents paid $5,000 for three acres of land. They took out a mortgage for $17,000 to build their house. Prices have shot up in their neighborhood, so you can’t even buy ONE acre for less than $25K these days. Unfortunately, they don’t understand that you can’t buy a livable house and three acres of land for $22,000, so they can’t figure out why my husband and I are still renting.

      3. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Having grown up in NYC and then moved to the DC suburbs, I wondered the same thing. Around here, you would be lucky to get a garden shed for that (if it came on its own tiny plot of land)!

        The upside is that if you retire with your house paid off or even close to it, you have enough equity to buy almost anywhere else in the country.

      1. Sam Foster*

        This times 1000. Several local organizations by me have First Time Buyer courses and the one I went to is fantastic!

    4. Awkward Interviewee*

      A good mortgage broker should be able to walk you through your options. Husband and I are in the first time house buying process right now, and our mortgage person gave us detailed estimates (monthly payment, closing costs, etc) for 4 different scenarios (different %s down for conventional and VA).

    5. Snargulfuss*

      If you can qualify for a conventional fixed-rate loan, choose that option. I believe hat if you have an FHA loan you have to pay PMI for the entire duration of the loan. With a conventional loan you can have your equity reevaluated after a certain number of years and if you’ve paid 20% of the value, the PMI will come off your payment. Also, FHA loans are stricter about the condition of the house and sellers tend to be more friendly to conventional loan buyers.

      I say all this not as a mortgage broker but as a recent first-time home buyer who did a TON of research about every aspect of the process. FHA loans are useful for people who don’t qualify for a conventional loan, but numerous people told me to avoid FHA if possible.

    6. FD*

      I’m involved with real estate, so here’s what I can share.

      First, three important caveats.

      Are you sure that buying makes more sense than renting? People often buy before they’re really ready. A good rule of thumb is that renting needs to be about 25% more expensive than your monthly payment–including your mortgage payment, taxes, and insurance. Why? Because you will have maintenance issues that are now your responsibility and not a landlord’s, and a good rule of thumb is to set aside about 25% to a savings account for those issues.

      Second, have you factored in that you need in closing costs? You’ll really need at least 5% down to keep your interest rate reasonable, and then there’s going to be at least a few thousand in closing costs. Do you have enough to cover 5% + closing expenses? What about moving? New furniture for the new location? Equipment like lawn mower, etc?

      Third, are you going to be able to stay in this home for at least five years? Remember that every time you move, you pay closing costs again–and when you sell, you’re likely going to pay a commission as well on the cost of the house. If you plan to move for work/have kids/sell everything and become a sheep herder in New Zealand within five years, you probably shouldn’t buy.

      OK, with those caveats out of the way.

      A bank ideally wants the highest down payment possible. If you can put 20% down, you’re a lower risk to the bank than if you can only put 5% down. The bank will manage this risk by either refusing to take loans with low down payments or by putting higher interest rates on them.

      An FHA loan is essentially a loan insured by the federal government. Because the loan is insured not just by any old insurer but by the federal government, the bank will accept a lower down payment without increasing your interest rate as much as they would without FHA insurance. In order to take advantage of this, you must qualify and do certain things.

      In the majority of cases, you will be better off with FHA insurance than with a conventional loan if you don’t have a large down payment. However, as others have said, there are programs you should take to learn more about it. Most states have a first-time homeowner program–I strongly, strongly advise taking one. Take one before taking a bank-based one. Remember, banks/credit unions want to make money off you borrowing from them! Many are good classes anyway but you should always take them with a grain of salt.

      1. FD*

        That said, Snargulfuss commented about the mortgage insurance (PMI) coming off your costs once you qualify–that’s generally true. In the specific area I live in and cases I’ve seen, the higher interest rate generally offset that potential savings (though in theory, you could get a lower rate by refinancing). So take that into consideration too.

    7. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

      PMI is such an unsightly cost. If you don’t have the 20% to put down, I don’t think you are ready to make the purchase. You have to be very careful with PMI: many mortgage companies and some FHA loans require PMI for the life of the mortgage rather than just until you hit the 20% equity mark. And even then, it’s up to you to pay for an inspection and get the mortgage company to agree that you’ve hit the 20% equity mark to stop PMI. when you factor in the additional costs of maintenance, property taxes. etc., only having 5% to put down really won’t cut it.

      But you are so smart to start thinking about this process now! As other commentators said, there are credit unions and banks and realtors that offer classes on first-time home buying. You can get prequalified with a mortgage before you go looking, but you’ll want to have that 20% down. You will have time to educate yourself on the process while you save.

  36. Evie*

    I have struggled over the last 10-ish years to keep up a friendship with a woman about 75 miles away. She and her husband moved away for work, implying that it was temporary and that their goal was to move back, but it’s obviously permanent.

    Over the years we have tried to get together several times a year, usually once in spring and once in fall, but it seems like she’s pulling away and I’m not sure why. Their family still lives in my town, so I know they come back for birthdays and holidays, and she sees another local friend quite often. My husband thinks it’s because we don’t use social media (we can’t, due to safety issues involving his work), and people prefer to connect and plan social events that way.

    They’ve made some major life changes over the past couple of years–international travel, building a gigantic new home, planning an adoption–and I heard about all of it second-hand. I write e-mails to catch up and ask to get together, and get polite platitutes in return. I’d blame the distance, but they come to town at least every few months to see family. I’ve said that we would be glad to drive out to them, but I can’t invite myself into their home.

    The reason this came up is because I just saw a photo of her in my local paper, volunteering at a charity event in town. I had no idea she was here.

    I wish I could just straight-out ask if she’s sick of me and wants to be left alone, but I don’t have the nerve. I drive myself crazy wondering what I’ve done. Is it because I forgot to send a birthday card two years ago? Is it because my husband is a gutter mouth, and they’re too polite to ask him not to curse? Is it because they’re both fast-tracked executives now, and we’ve stayed firmly blue collar? I thought this high school nonsense was supposed to be over by the time you hit your forties.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, it’s always hard when it feels like your friendship isn’t reciprocated; I’m sorry. But what you’re describing doesn’t sound to me like high school nonsense; it just sounds like one person is more invested in having a friendship than the other. That doesn’t have to be due to anything you did wrong, and usually it isn’t; it’s just friend drift. And yes, some people like to keep in touch via social media and therefore tend to lose touch with those who don’t use that method. It’s their right to use the method they want and keep the friends they want.

      Ultimately, this person is not going to be the friend you want her to be, and that doesn’t make either of you bad people. So what do you want to do with the current situation? Do you want to reach out to her occasionally just in case, or do you want to move on and use that space in your life for something more rewarding?

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m sorry but it does sound like she doesn’t want to continue the friendship. Don’t torture yourself trying to figure out why – sometimes it just happens and it’s nobody’s fault but you can’t force it.

    3. HannahS*

      I’m with fposte, I’m afraid. It sounds like your lives aren’t very similar anymore, and she no longer wants to put in the effort to be friends. Whatever the reason–and I doubt it’s anything specific–the outcome is the same, right? I’ve seen my parents ghosted by friends, and have had it happen myself. It sucks, but I don’t think there’s anything you can or should do, except invest to spend your energy on other friends.

    4. Lady Jay*

      I have a friend exactly like this! We were very close shortly after college, and then she moved on professionally, and got a bunch of new friends. Now we’re not as close anymore. It stings! I feel for you.

      I’ve resisted (so far) the temptation to formally “break up” with her, because while I think that would provide closure, I’m not a fan of blowing things up dramatically. But I did make a conscious decision to stop investing in the relationship; I’m not going to be the one calling her, emailing her, writing her. I’m not going to spend energy on someone who doesn’t care.

  37. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    I’m at a cat adoption event. How true is the saying “the cat chooses you?”

    I finally feel I’m in a place to care for a furry creature, I work within walking distance of home. I’m considering adopting a super chill 2 or 3 year old cat perhaps, and I have ample room for a cat tree. What other cat essentials should I get? (Open versus closed litter box? How much cans of cat food per day? What’s the best/affordable cat food brand out there?)

    What do you wish you knew before adopting a cat?

    Also, is it super different adopting a cat with
    a long term boyfriend, or cohabitation get fiancé, or husband (after wedding when stuff settles down?) At this point, SO is moving boxes to my place, we have a wedding planner and date set (we did this so nmom can’t cause crazy), and he’s proposing before December.

    2. AnonEMoose*

      In terms of the cat choosing you – it varies. A friend of ours, years ago, was at the shelter in the room to meet the cats. And suddenly, there was this weight on his shoulder and a “mrow?” in his ear. She was his cat – or he was her human – from that day on. Very sweet cat, too, but it was very much that there was him and there was everyone else. My husband was renting some space from this guy when we met, and the cat got to the point that she would approach me for pets if her person was working a lot or something.

      With the litter box, I’d suggest asking the folks at the rescue what the cat is used to. Just make sure you get one that’s big enough for the cat to use comfortably.

      On the food, make sure you find out what they’re currently feeding the cat. It’s fine if you want to make a change, but do it gradually if so – an abrupt change in food can upset a cat’s stomach.

      A brush is good – cats do groom, but getting loose hair out with regular brushing can help cut down on hairballs.

      And toys – especially ones that are interactive (by which I mean. you play with them with the cat). It’s a great way to develop a bond.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      In my experience, the cat does choose you.

      Bones chose me. I was set on another cat but I went to visit another room and she was the only one that didn’t approach me because she was so shy and nervous but after about 10 minutes, she came over, sniffed my hand and that was that.

      As for essentials, I have an open litter box but I wish I’d gotten a closed because of the amount of mess Bones makes when she kicks the litter over the side.

      Food varies depending on the cat. I give mine 100g of wet food in the morning, a bowl full of dried throughout the day that she can pick at when she’s hungry, the occasional treats (think Dreamies or Catisfactions), and rarely, as a special treat, half a small tin of small tuna. As for brand, Purina is good, so is Whiskers, but I use the stuff from the shelter at first so that the shock to her system isn’t too much.

      Can’t answer to the difficulties of adopting with someone else as I adopted Bones alone.

      As for what I wish I knew, I wish I knew that I would have to be relaxed about everything. I worried constantly. She didn’t eat for the first two days and I was worried something was wrong. Then she wouldn’t leave her hidey-hole. Was she okay sleeping in the living room alone? (Spoiler: she was).

      Practicalities though – find a good vet now. Talk to them. Make sure that the cat is neutered and that it has all of its injections. Treat it for fleas as well. A good shelter will have taken care of most of that but it’s best to double check.

      I wish I knew how much hard work it would be as well. I’ve just passed the two month mark of adoption and things are settling down but she still occasionally gets skittish. She trusts me but she does have abandonment issues (as I discovered this week). Patience and kindness is the way to go.

      It might be a good idea to take the first few days off of work (or work from home) just so that she can get used to you. I already work from home and I feel like that was a benefit in the early days.

      So, don’t feel rushed to have her settled in. She’ll settle at her own pace. Adopting an older cat is a good idea as well. Mine is 5/6 (I’m not 100% sure) and she’s much more mellow at her age than a kitten would be.

      And lastly, good luck! It’s a great thing to adopt an animal and please let us know how it goes!

    4. periwinkle*

      Cats might choose you, or you might choose the cat. Cats are weird that way! None of our cats chose us. Some have been purchased from breeders and others adopted from shelters; some were very young kittens and others were senior cats. We’d only seen photos of MollyCat (a breed rescue) but she turned out to be super affectionate and cuddly. Bondi Blue hid because she was timid and a bit freaked out being in a shelter; now she steals my pillow at bedtime and won’t move until she gets sufficient petting. As long as you accept that cats are controlled by benevolent but mischievous aliens, and behave accordingly, it’ll be fine.

      Some cats dislike closed litter boxes because it lacks an escape route. Even though you’ll want to hide the box out of sight, that’s not what cats prefer unfortunately. Check out Jackson Galaxy on YouTube for good info on cat behavior.

    5. caledonia*

      it is no different adopting a cat with a boyfriend, spouse or when you’re engaged. why do you think it would be? and do you both have the time to take care of a kitten?

    6. Allie Oops*

      All my cats have been local strays that needed medical intervention and ended up not leaving. So, I guess technically they all did choose us by way of picking our house to nearly die next to!

      You sound insanely busy. I would wait. It’s one thing to move with cats you already know, like Alison did, but when you get a new cat you haven’t learned her personality yet. When you have your SO’s boxes all over and constant chaos, you won’t know that she’s prone to chewing on string and can’t be trusted around your knitting, or that she’s high-strung and will lunge for the door anytime you have an unexpected visitor, or that she’s not acting her usual self because she got into your plants and has a blockage. A new cat should come into a calm home with a consistent schedule.

    7. Ramona Flowers*

      Our cat chose us. Went to see a group of kittens who were being fostered. I rolled a ball over, his siblings ran off and he rolled it right back and sat there looking at us as if to say: how about it then?

    8. Red*

      My cat definitely chose my husband and didn’t care one way or another about me, and she loves us both now, so I come down on the side of “sometimes it works” for this.

    9. Belle di Vedremo*

      The biggest difference with adopting with a partner who will be moving in is making sure that the partner is on board with pet care. So your SO should be happy with feeding, changing litter box, cuddling, entertaining, and vet care or you should wait until such a time as s/he is. It’s not fair to the pet, to the SO, or to yourself otherwise. You should also be on the same page about what constitutes good care, and appropriate behavior. Eg, most cats want to sleep on your bed. some people think that’s gross. One thing you might use as a resource is the adoption forms on the tinykittens dot com website. They have a lot of good questions to think about for people looking to add kittens or cats to their lives, and you two could talk through them together.

      Pets often do choose their humans. With guide/seeing eye dogs one often hears that the dog knows the first day, but it takes the week of intro/training for the human to figure it out. So both of you should go look at cats, and see which one/s take/s to the two of you.

      I’d agree with waiting until you’re settled together to choose a pet or two, if you already have boxes coming in and are expecting to get engaged before the end of the year.

    10. Bryce*

      My cat was chosen for me. A litter was abandoned in front of a PetSmart, they wound up with a friend of mine and she had to find places for them before her landlord found out. Wanted me to take the one I did because he was bullying the runt that she’d decided to keep. We wound up really taking to each other, what had been agression in the pack grew into an active playfulness that stayed up until he died 13 years later.

      Cat trees are nice, gives the cat some space that’s decidedly theirs. For a litterbox make sure you get one that’s big enough for them and if they’re young account for growth. Other tips are really going to depend on the cat; mine loved little hard-shelled toy mice (we would play fetch with them) and places to perch/explore, others are gonna feel differently.

      If you’ve got a spouse-to-be, make sure they’re part of the process. Some people just aren’t cat people, and that’s not a great thing to spring on someone particularly if they wind up having allergies.

    11. Lilo*

      My cat was basically picked out for me by the shelter. I came in saying I was willing to adopt an older cat, and the staff said “Let’s put you in a room with this guy”, and he basically flirted with us (demanding to be petted), so we decided to take him home.

      First: a lot of cats struggle with transitions. As I described – my cat was friendly at the shelter, but then hid for a whole week when we first got him home. He also had some serious litter box compliance issues at the beginning and peed on a lot of things – it was really really tough. We even talked about how we felt like we couldn’t deal with him. We stuck it out and I’m glad we did, but the first couple months can be really tough. He’s not perfect now by any means, but it’s a lot better. He’s gotten a lot friendly over the years, he wouldn’t lap sit for the first year we had him, but he does now.

      I might wait until fiance moves in all the way to get a cat, actually because of the transition issues. Cats can get really upset when something in their environment changes, so if the cat has to deal with fiance moving in as well, it can be tougher. Cat may bond with SO more if here’s there initially instead if cat sees fiance as someone who came in.

  38. katamia*

    Is it really that weird to not want to communicate by phone? Is this a US/UK difference? When I first started viewing apartments (my flight is in under 10 days, I have a hotel for 1 night, and then I have nowhere to live yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes) in London, I just put in zeroes for my phone number because with the time difference and everything else I have to do, I’m just not answering random calls or even looking at my phone much right now. Plus, when it comes to housing (actually, when it comes to most things), I’m pro-getting everything in writing.

    But I’ve only gotten one response from property management companies (I’m trying other places too, but most of what I’m finding that suits my needs is on property management company websites rather than Gumtree and similar sites), and that response…was to ask for a phone number. *headdesk*

    Because I’m so desperate, I’m giving my phone number now and BEGGING them in the notes field to email rather than call me, but can anyone explain what the heck is up with this apparent email aversion? I know phone conversations are instantaneous in a way that email isn’t, but is playing phone tag actually better than email?

    1. Elkay*

      It’s because they don’t have time to wait for emails back and forth unless you’ve actually got to the paperwork stage.

      1. katamia*

        But if we’re already going to be playing phone tag, it’s going to take the same amount of time (or possibly even longer because it’s clearer to hash this sort of thing out in writing).

          1. fposte*

            I think they’re not interested in your situation; they’re interested in letting the flat. If they can let the flat by telephone, that’ll have priority over somebody who requires a different kind of communication.

            1. katamia*

              That does make sense. I just think it’s incredibly unprofessional to not even give a brief response by email, and I still think it’s a little bizarre that apparently many property management companies all have the telephone preference, which is what’s making me wonder whether there’s a larger cultural factor at play here. (Especially since, to an unethical company as a few of the ones I contacted seem to be because that’s how desperate I am, international students seem to be easy marks because everyone seems to assume we’re massively wealthy–they could unload a crappy overpriced place off on us.)

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                I think there are some people who still just do business by phone and who think it’s weird to expect not to. I’ve been contacting various contractor-types on Yelp a lot lately (tree guys, plumbers, etc.) and I’ve noticed some of them are fine responding via Yelp’s system or email and others want to get on the phone immediately. I think some people just are used to doing business on the phone and that’s what they’re comfortable with. I can imagine with landlords in particular, they might feel like they want to talk to you because it’s easier to get a quick sanity impression on the phone than it is in writing.

                1. katamia*

                  In my initial contact, though, I’ve been asking to do a Skype viewing of the apartment. They could talk to me then. Which wouldn’t solve their issue if they were also uncomfortable with Skype, but it’s not like I’m trying to rent an apartment without ever talking to anyone. I just would need it to be scheduled, and to schedule something we’d have to communicate another way first.

                  I know this is a much bigger deal for me than it is for them because I’m under such a time crunch and I think I used up all my patience on the uncertainty of whether or not my visa would come through, but the consistent lack of response is just really getting to me.

                2. fposte*

                  Oh, good comparison. Around here, it’s really rare for construction/home repair type people to operate on anything other than the phone. Sometimes they’ll text, but they won’t email (in my experience, even people who offer an email address don’t want to do business over it). If I didn’t want to use the phone, I’d have a long hunt to find somebody to work on my house.

                3. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  I can almost guarantee you that people who don’t want to conduct business via email aren’t going to want to do it over Skype either — that’s a higher level of tech savviness than email is.

                4. the gold digger*

                  it’s really rare for construction/home repair type people to operate on anything other than the phone.

                  Because unless they have someone who manages the business for them, they cannot be on email during the day – they are on the jobsite. And it’s a lot easier to talk on the phone than to email on the phone.

              2. caledonia*

                your expectations aren’t quite correct I’m afraid. It is very, very normal to be contacted by phone for the reasons fposte and elkay say – they want to rent the flat asap and by doing this over the phone it’s quicker. the alternative is to book somewhere cheap like a hotel and go and view the places/sort the paperwork when you are actually in the country?

                And, can you actually obtain a place without seeing it!? Because in Scotland you can’t do this (England/Wales is different) and I’d be incredibly wary of renting somewhere without seeing it myself.

                2. katamia*

                  I’ve done it in the US without problems in the past. When I was moving across the country (East Coast to West Coast), it wasn’t feasible for me to actually fly over there just to look at apartments. It looks like you can do it in England too–I’ve had a couple replies (from sketchier people, unfortunately, through Gumtree) from people who are willing to do Skype viewings.

                  I have health issues and very low energy to begin with, and I’m just not going to be able to look at apartments after my grad program actually starts. And, because of how long it took to get my visa, the flight I picked is already a lot later than I’m comfortable with already for settling in/dealing with jet lag/doing all the other things I need to do before classes actually start.

                3. katamia*

                  The university’s provided a lot of information (which I’ve used), but I don’t know what they could actually do for me at this point. They can’t magically make an apartment appear. I’ll probably email them this weekend anyway to tell them I still don’t have housing, but I’m not hopeful there.

                4. caledonia*

                  Personally I wouldn’t rent from gumtree – what you don’t want to do is find yourself in a complete dump/dive/horrible flat/room. I didn’t know about the health issues and how that impacts on you and you are coming across completely stressed and I get that but that also makes your brain go a bit wonky. Are you making the best decisions for yourself? Is there anyone you know where you’re going, any US connections you can use…anything at all?

                5. katamia*

                  Nope. Nobody I know there. And, yep, I’m incredibly stressed right now (and have family members who handle stress way worse than I do in my ear probably isn’t helping either). I was all Zen when I was waiting to hear whether I got my visa, but I didn’t realize how ridiculously difficult it was going to be to even schedule a viewing–I was hoping to do four last week (all within my price/distance range, and tbh I would have taken any of them if they’d seemed okay from the viewing) and haven’t seen a single place yet.

                  My standards aren’t particularly high–I’ve lived in apartments with roaches, apartments without kitchens (way worse than having roaches, lol), apartments with roommates who blared the same playlist at top volume day in and day out, and other horrors. I don’t mind something that’s dingy or ugly or anything because I don’t pay that much attention to my surroundings to begin with (and that’s not the stress talking–you could write an entire Sh*t My Dad Says-type book called Sh*t Katamia Didn’t Notice).

                  And that last paragraph probably didn’t make me seem saner, lol. But, really, I just need A Place To Live at this point. I guess I didn’t realize that viewing an apartment from afar was apparently as unusual as it is because I’ve done it, I have friends who have done it, and it seems like a completely normal thing to ask to do when you can’t see a place in person (and ditto with “Obviously because of the time difference we can’t do the phone, so email would clearly be simpler,” which is…also apparently not universal). I postponed the apartment hunt because I didn’t know if my visa was going to come through and didn’t want to potentially have to spend 6 months to a year’s worth of rent on a place I wasn’t going to be able to live in, which was clearly the wrong thing to do, I see now.

              3. fposte*

                @katamia–the thing is, the Skype viewing request could go either way. If that’s not something they usually do, the combination of that outlier query and the “don’t phone me” request isn’t great for them and makes them wonder if your expectations will be in line with the conventions.

                I’d go with cheerfully offering my phone number and including a note about the time difference and an email option if *they* desire; if they call, they can always leave a message and you can call them back. Unfortunately in most student areas, it’s the landlords who can afford to be choosy, not the tenants.

                1. caledonia*

                  @katamia – it’s different where I am because you must see the property in person. So the skyping thing, viewing from afar thing isn’t what happens in Scotland.
                  So when I was looking to move 2.30 hrs from where I was to where I am, I was on rightmove and zoopla first thing, calling up and trying to arrange viewings asap and coming down the next day to view them.

                  There is also spareroom(dot)co(dot)uk, roombuddies, easyroomate that you can look at and put your own ad on so people contact you as well as you contacting them.

              4. mreasy*

                All brokers & landlords I have dealt with in NYC have exclusively used the phone. I do find that in general, Brits tend to phone calls for business, but it seems like it’s probably the industry.

              5. Not So NewReader*

                I see the part about the four apartments you were interested in. Perhaps if you start using the phone you will get the responses you are looking for.

                It’s fine to think whatever over people’s lack of email use, but what we think won’t make them use their emails. They will do as they wish.

                There are many professions who do not use email. I have had quite a few contractors work here over the last few years. Not a single one of them used email. Why. After a 14-16 hour work day you just don’t go home and look at email. It won’t happen. And no, there is no office worker to tend the email for them. Even if there was s/he would have no control over how the contractor responded to the email. One contractor here wired his phone into his truck’s horn and lights. (yes, the unattended truck would blow the horn and blink the lights.)You know, he still did not always hear the phone. Phones can be difficult but email is impossible.

                And in some arenas decisions move very fast. Legal, medical and real estate are a few I can think of. Email is just too slow for how these transactions happen. It’s only good as a back up or a means to provide extra information, if that much. People who use phones are perceived as interactive and willing to move ahead. Not so much with email.

    2. Anono-me*

      Not giving your phone number or giving your phone number but including very strong requests that the phone number
      not be used is unusual. I think we all understand why you are doing it and the reasonableness of your actions. However the unknown landlord may be looking at this and going “That’s a little weird. What other weird things am I going to have to deal with if I rent to this person?”

      I would suggest giving your phone number. But in the comments saying something more neutral like ” You may find it easier to reach me by email at ____, as currently due to the move, I am not always able to take phone calls right away.”

      The landlords may also be concerned about scams. Having a phone conversation is no guarantee against scams, but it at least can feel like it helps to talk to the person.

      1. katamia*

        I’ll give the more neutral wording a shot next time I try to contact one of them. Although regarding scams, some places want 6 months to a year’s worth of rent at once from international students without a UK guarantor (i.e., me), so I’m not sure why THEY’D be so worried about scams. (I kid, I kid. Sort of.)

    3. Mephyle*

      Email is invariably time-lagged, but a phone call doesn’t invariably end in phone tag – it may establish immediate communication.
      If they email you, they have to wait until you see it and reply. If they phone, and don’t get to talk to you they can just keep going down the list until they get someone who they can talk to right away.

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      Properties go FAST here. If you go to a viewing, you take a cheque book to pay a holding deposit if you want the place. Email just isn’t on a timescale that’s going to work, sorry.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Just to be clear: they will be on a faster timescale than you.

        I would never email a letting agent. You have to phone them. I’m amazed you’re even getting responses as those contact forms often just go into a void.

        1. katamia*

          Only one response, lol. And that one did ask for a phone number. All the others might as well have gone into a void.

          But that’s good to know about the checkbook/properties going so quickly thing–I’ve gotten a couple emails from Gumtree about viewings, so I’ll be ready to say yes/no on the spot (and pay via credit card) if they actually come through. Thanks!

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            I would absolutely NOT rent through Gumtree without physically seeing the place. It is fraught with scams. I also would always expect to make first contact about a property by phone and not email. I have been renting for years and moved a lot and email just isn’t how it’s done, sorry. I appreciate how frustrating this must be.

            You mentioned health issues. I can’t remember if uni accommodation was an issue but have you checked with them as to whether your health entitles you to more support e.g. help with finding housing?

            If all else fails I would stay in a YMCA (they are cheap) and look once you are there.

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              Also please ensure you do not rent from anyone who fails to provide a proper contract with info on how your deposit is held. The Shelter website has more on this.

            2. caledonia*

              I got scammed on gumtree – not flat – but with something else and would never use it. I h=gave some sites above in a comment ^

            3. katamia*

              I signed up for a dorm, but I was so far down on the waiting list that I didn’t get a spot. And I highly doubt that my health issues would entitle me to any extra support from them regarding finding accommodation.

              I guess what I’m struggling with is that people say (on here and on other places) that Craigslist (because we don’t have Gumtree) is incredibly sketchy and no one should ever look there for anything, but I’ve found two apartments and multiple jobs through there without major problems. So there’s a part of me going, “Well, is it really that bad?” because I just don’t have the right information to calibrate. (Similar to how growing up in one of the murder capitals of the US in the 90s meant it took me awhile and a lot of Internet research, when I was figuring out what areas of London to look for housing in, to figure out that the vast majority of London was totally fine safety-wise, whereas someone who grew up in a safe small town might feel the opposite.)

              1. Ramona Flowers*

                “And I highly doubt that my health issues would entitle me to any extra support from them regarding finding accommodation.”

                They might do. It is really worth asking.

                2. katamia*

                  I’ll consider it, but I really doubt it will qualify–it’s basically a bunch of very minor health stuff that’s just annoying on its own but that make certain things difficult depending on how they interact. I’m also not sure how much of my health issues I want to disclose to them. But I will consider it.

              2. Ramona Flowers*

                As to Gumtree, it has some perfectly okay stuff but from a distance you just can’t tell. The caveat with Gumtree is to go see the thing and not part with cash over the internet.

                1. katamia*

                  Which is basically the opposite of what I want/need to do, lol. Does it help at all if I’m replying to ads posted by property management companies rather than just randos?

                2. Ramona Flowers*

                  I would check out the company and if they are legit then contact them on the number on their site just to make sure you are actually talking to them.

      2. caledonia*

        a cheque book!? :p but yes, you need to have the money ready to go. I’m in a small town out of Edinburgh and was the first one to view the flat I’m renting and I had to go right then and there to secure it before someone else viewed it.

          1. caledonia*

            I mean, I have a cheque book (somehwere, I think) but I just transferred money over to secure the deposit.

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              I don’t know if I have a current cheque book! But I meant it more figuratively. I think the process is annoyingly hard to figure out – you couldn’t possibly know that Rightmove adverts are often out of date or that emails sent through it often fall into a void or that letting agents are people you have to phone. The whole thing is a chuffing nightmare.

              We are now lucky enough to live in a village with a very good family owned property management company. They are really nice and well known locally so can’t get away with being bad. And they’re not – they even came out personally to fix a leak on Christmas Day one time. They are also excellent at wrangling our landlord, who I quite seriously suspect is becoming senile.

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Is there any way you can arrange an air bnb for a a week or two to give yourself the space in order to view and move into a flat? Even if you find a place to live on your first day it may not be available to you right then. I would strongly suggest getting yourself some peace of mind by sorting out something like that.

      There are a ton of other things you will need to sort out as well, possibly before even being able to put money on a place to live. Bank accounts are a notorious hitching point but if you are a student you should be able to open one ok and rather quickly near your school. A UK phone number too – no letting agent will call you back either without it.

      Second, too, the checking on roommate websites for something shared. Agencies here will charge you every fee under the sun (stay away from Foxtons, they are generally considered the worst of the worst). If you find a shared situation you avoid a lot of startup costs and having to buy things like frying pans and kettles. Check out spare room – and you can use that messaging function to at least start to set up viewings for rooms and look for fits in the areas you want to live. If you are really determined to live alone, see if there is anything on open rent, which takes out the agents all together and you deal direct with the landlords.

      For what its worth, many years ago I had a friend in a similar situation (and she had British citizenship through her mom) who was stuck waititng for funding to be released or some such thing. She came over with her dad and I think they found a place but in the end it just didn’t work out for the timing and situation.

      Good luck!

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Oh and one other point, as an expat here, trust me, it really is two countries divided by a common language. Do not transfer expectations of “what you did in the US so obviously it must work somewhere else” to here because a LOT of things don’t work like that here. It will make no sense, it will be infuriating at times, but How Things Are Done is How Things Are Done. Its part of the adventure.

        The London reddit page is usually pretty helpful for new students and expats as well and can help you find cheap places to get food etc.

        We actually DID find our second place on Gumtree, and had an excellent excellent landlady so its not all scams, but we were in the neighborhood and could meet her, see the place, etc. Otherwise its been spareroom and my hairdresser.

        1. katamia*

          Yep. I’ve done the expat thing before, working in Asia. In a country where I didn’t speak the language. And it was still so much easier than this, honestly. This entire move preparation experience has been so awful I haven’t even had a chance to celebrate getting into grad school to begin with.

          1. Jessi*

            Katamia – have you looked on spareroom? spareroom dot co dot uk.

            Places go so fast in London! could you top up your skype account and use it to call the agents directly?

          2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

            Ill probably take some heat for this, but in a lot of ways this is a second-world country masquerading as a first. Wait till you experience the plumbing! :D

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        Omg, Foxtons. They auto dialled me repeatedly until I threatened to report them to the police for harassment.

      3. katamia*

        Welp. I won’t have a UK phone number until after I get there (my phone’s pretty old, and buying a new one was one of the first things I was planning to do once I was there), so maybe I shouldn’t even bother putting in my phone number? LOL.

        All the Airbnbs I’ve seen that didn’t look super sketchy/have some other dealbreaker (I don’t have a lot, but I do have a couple) are prohibitively expensive, unfortunately.

        People talk about Gumtree as being full of scams, but the only scam I’ve come across so far (that I can confirm) was on SpareRoom, actually–I messaged someone I didn’t have great feelings about but figured it was worth a shot, and then I got a message from SpareRoom saying they were a scam account.

        Foxtons is consistently touted across the Internet as the worst of the worst, but they’re actually the only ones who responded to me at all, lol. Although given what Ramona says, sounds like it’s good I didn’t give them my phone number.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          I will reiterate my suggestion to try the YMCA – their hostels can be really cheap. It was about eight years ago now but I once stayed in one for £17 a night while working in Bath for a couple of weeks.

          2. katamia*

            Looks like the ones that are a reasonable distance from the university are all full for at least one night (assuming a 1-2 week stay). :( If I’d known it was going to be this ridiculously hard to find a place earlier, though, it looks like they would have been a good option.

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              What are you considering to be a reasonable distance from your uni? Could you look further out?

              1. katamia*

                30-40 minutes by public transportation according to Google Maps (because I’m assuming there’ll often be problems and it’ll take longer a lot of the time, especially when the weather’s bad). Much more than that on a daily basis and I’d lose my mind.

                1. misspiggy*

                  I think what I’d do in your shoes is find a hostel like the YMCA for a couple of weeks, and search in person when you get there. You’ll get a better sense for how transport works, and rentals move so fast it’s better to build a relationship with a slightly less awful agent (not Foxtons, never Foxtons) in person.

                  Go to their office, see a couple of dreadful places just to go along with the game; politely make it clear that what you require is not this but x and y, and here are all your ducks in a row; and ask them to call you as soon as something decent comes along. A lot of the better places go before the agents put them online, so in person is the way to go.

                  Conversely, also use Rightmove and similar – individual landlords often advertise directly online, rather than relying on estate agents’ sites.

                2. Ramona Flowers*

                  Honestly I wouldn’t commit to a property long term until you get there and see how you find the transport. For example I don’t mind the tube – I actually change to the Central Line from Oxford Circus in rush hour which is supposedly a huge no no but isn’t that bad – but I used to live in the Greenwich/ Lewisham area and would seriously lose my sh*t if I had to travel from there again for various reasons that wouldn’t bother someone else.

                3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

                  A lot of these websites will let you search by commute time too.

                  West Hampstead had a lot of student type rentals and was well connected – if the tube went on strike then I took the Thameslink and if that blew up then I took the tube, or the bus, or the overground or something.

                  I walk to work now but Friday had to take the tube to something the OH MY GOD i forgot how horrible it could be. The transit at Bank to the Northern Line was god awful. But other half takes the Central most days and hes fine with it. And the Bank Shuffle (5 minutes of shuffling with everyone else to go DLR to Central)

                  Ramona – we used to live down near Lewisham too and sure while you could take mainline train in somewhere it just seemed like the end of beyond. Shame — I really like Blackheath but Im not willing to put my sanity in the hands of Southeastern.

                4. Ramona Flowers*

                  Yep, Southeastern was the problem! I lived in North Greenwich for a while and used to get the overground train from Westcombe Park or bus to the O2 and get the Jubilee. Then lived in the bit where Blackheath meets Lewisham for a couple of years and oh my goodness that train company drove me round the bend. And the ticket machines were down so often I learned every last loophole about how the unpaid fare fines work. On a few occasions they tried to make me pay one and I’d quote their own regulations at them until they left me alone.

          3. Solo*

            I would recommend the London Hostel Association my brother lived there when he first moved to London, it’s a bit like student flats, but for anyone moving to London and really flexible so you can search for a place from there. I agree with the others about not taking on a tenacy without seeing the place in person
            Good Luck!

    6. Chaordic One*

      I really think a lot of this is generational. Personally I find it easier to talk over the phone than to text. (All that typing on a teeny-weeny keyboard and having to think about your spelling and grammar.) But then I’m getting old and crabby.

    7. Minerva*

      I’ve done this twice – moved to the UK (two different cities – neither of them were London, though) from a different country and was looking for a “furnished room in shared house” kind of thing.

      Each time, I booked a hostel for a couple of nights, started calling landlords/agencies once I was there and viewed 3-5 places over two days (it was easy to arrange viewings for the same day or next day). Both times, I found a place by day 2 that I could move into right away – so assuming you’re arriving at least a day or two before your classes start (you are, right?) I’d really strongly recommend doing it this way. I don’t think you have to plan for one or two weeks’ stay in a hotel – a couple of days should be enough.

      That said, friends of mine have been able to find flats in London from abroad, without ever viewing them (and the flats are perfectly fine) – all of those were rented directly from the landlord, rather than through an agency, so I’d maybe aim for those while you’re searching from abroad.

    8. Jules the First*

      You will really struggle to find somewhere that will rent to you unless you see it in person. As a student, your best bet is going to be a flat-share (affordable and easier to get a spot), but again you will need a phone and a way to meet people in person before they will sign a contract.

      All that said, should you find yourself in need of a place to crash, I’m in Zone 2 and have a (very comfy) sofa bed in an accessible building.

  39. Sunflower*

    I am clueless about cats and need help from you cat whisperers out there. This cat’s name is ‘Gary’ and his owner is Sam. Gary is also quite overweight and has had some health issues in the past.

    I recently moved into a house with 2 other friends, one of which has a cat that is about 10 years old. Sam isn’t home a ton- she usually works 9-6 but will often leave Gary home for the weekend alone with plenty of food or not come home until 9pm and feed him them. Gary eats at 9am, when Sam wakes up, and then again at 7pm everyday. He gets one scoop of food at each feeding.

    I’ve always been told cats are quite self sufficient but Gary seems very needy. He will claw at the couch and meow at me all day, even after he’s been fed. If I’m home during the day, he will claw at the couch wanting me to feed him. He’s also batted at us before begging for food. Sam wakes up later than both of us and Gary will claw at our bedroom doors until we come out and then beg for food. I don’t think he is looking for attention since when I am home, he keeps to himself and won’t ever really cuddle up next to me. When Sam gets home, Gary will cuddle up next to her sometimes but it isn’t as if Sam is waiting and anticipating for someone to get home all day.

    Quite frankly, this is pretty annoying and doesn’t seem normal. I’m not sure if there is a way to change these habits? Would getting an automatic feeder help? From my few other friends who have cats, I don’t know of anyone else’s doing stuff like this. My parents have a dog who is quite needy but he has never begged for food the way Gary does. I’m also not sure if Sam knows that this isn’t normal? Sam is also going away for a week and a half and leaving Gary’s care with us. She’s left vague descriptions but I’m a little nervous.

    Does anyone have any advice?

    2. fposte*

      Sounds like poor Gary isn’t very happy for one reason or another. Certainly not all cats are self-sufficient, so I wouldn’t assume that this is automatically a sign of something wrong rather than a sign of cat hoping for a little social inclusion. How are you distinguishing between begging for food and begging for attention/diversion? Does Gary have a lot of sitting places throughout the house at various heights, scratching posts and boards, and does Sam play with him at least several times per week? Has the vet said anything about this behavior or about Gary’s weight (I was wondering if Sam had put him on a diet, for instance, and if that was part of why he might be frustrated)? Is this a change for him or has he been a lifelong chowhound?

      It sounds like your question is a mixture of “Should I be worried?” and “Can I make this stop?” I would say that the vet is key to the first but I don’t think this is hugely worrying behavior on its own; the second may be tougher, but while you’re Gary-sitting I would consider trying to play Gary out before mealtimes so he’s more inclined to sack out after eating. Wand toys are generally pretty popular with cats, and you can figure out what kind of play he likes best with trial and error.

    3. Sylvan*

      A lot of cats are very social animals. I wonder if some of his attention-seeking behavior might look like or be mistaken for begging?

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      Cats aren’t self-sufficient and they aren’t just like plants you water and then leave. They need play, social interaction, attention and warmth. He sounds depressed, miserable and possibly underfed from what you’ve said.

    5. copy run start*

      My cat is an ex-fatty and he is a relentless pesterer when he is hungry. He has similar behavior, probably because it was very effective on his previous owners. Someone, somewhere taught Gary that this is effective. Gary’s world revolves around his stomach now and you won’t be able to change that. However you can manage it.

      While you have him, put him on a set feeding schedule. 9 a.m. and 7 p.m. on the dot, every day. No free feeding, I assume he probably blows through what’s left out as fast as his stomach will take it. You might consider 7 a.m. and 9 p.m. or 9/9 too; that way he’s not getting as hungry in the morning. I have not bothered with an automatic feeder for my cat because his diet cat food is wet. A feeder might help him redirect, but I personally wouldn’t spend the money on someone else’s cat.

      When Gary starts to bother you, you can try hissing at Gary when he harasses you to give him a warning in his language. You can also try holding him by the scruff and the butt for a few seconds (if he doesn’t heed your warning). If he really just doesn’t get it, “time out” is very effective on cats. Move him to a quiet, dark room, shut the door and walk away until he calms down. If he needs to be in there for more than 10 – 20 minutes, make sure there’s a litter box and water available. I put my cat in my bedroom. Now when he goes to far begging (signaled by me giving him a warning hiss), he marches himself to the bedroom on his own and does his own time outs.

      1. Turtlewings*

        I agree. It may well be that Gary is feeling lonely, so you should definitely try offering attention and play. But also some animals are just obsessively food-oriented, and if that’s Gary, then the ONLY way you’re going to get him to stop pestering you is make it completely non-rewarding for him. Don’t EVER cave; cats are even worse than dogs about learning a new rule. They’re too smart for their own good in that sense; if there is ever a single exception to the rule, they will never again believe in it. Feed him at a consistent time of day, and never at any other time.

        This is assuming he’s getting enough food. Consult the instructions on his bag of food for how much he should be getting. (This may involve weighing him, for which you can just step on a scale with and without him.) It’s possible your roommate is trying to slim him down by not feeding him as much, but outright starvation is not the way to do that. He shouldn’t be getting much less than is recommended for a cat of his current weight.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          I disagree. A lot of what you describe here is downright cruel. You don’t need to hiss or put him in time out. He needs an owner that actually gives a crap.

          1. Turtlewings*

            I hardly think that (a) talking to the cat in the language cats use with each other, (b) putting the cat in another, perfectly safe room, or (c) feeding him on a schedule, like most domesticated animals are, can be considered cruel. Nor can we reasonably say the owner doesn’t care just because she’s away a lot. Maybe she needs to give him more attention or feed him differently — maybe not! Even so, I don’t think there’s any evidence that she “doesn’t give a crap” about him.

              1. NaoNao*

                I think it depends on how it’s done. I have two cats whose playful tussling can switch to true, scary fighting in a split second, and my BF and I will separate them (in a room with door shut) for a few hours on the rare occasion that a quick squirt from a water bottle or a hand clap doesn’t separate them. I think it gives them a chance to relax without being worried about the other one stalking and pouncing on them, and lets them “reset”. Both our bedrooms have food and water and light/windows so they aren’t deprived.

                If the cat is the only animal in the house, that may be a different story. I don’t think animals understand “time outs” the way humans do, so “punishment” isn’t effective. We can only teach them “if you scratch the couch, you get moved away or you get a squirt from a water bottle.”

                I would recommend trying to solve it in a positive way first; what others have said. Cat trees, toys, etc. Also these plug in’s called Feliway that mist out relaxing hormones. I’ve never had success with the collars, but the plug in’s might work.

    6. LCL*

      From dog person not a cat person…Gary sounds typical of cats I have known. I get that he’s annoying, but he sounds pretty normal. That said, the first problem is the intermittent feeding. You talk about strict feeding times, then shifted feeding times, then free feeding sometimes. So kitty is getting intermittently rewarded for his begging. Intermittent rewarding is often stronger than regular rewards in creating behaviors, that’s why humans get addicted to gambling.
      Second, it’s time for a vet check if he hasn’t been in awhile. The fatness combined with hunger and past problems is worth a look by a vet. Even if he is fed the most expensive prescription food, bodies change and his diet might not be working for him now.
      Cats wanting people around but not wanting to cuddle is really the essence of cat. Cats gonna cat. Yes, there are cuddle bug cats out there, but many prefer not to be handled.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Also the hunger may not be due to how much food he’s given but something else, like worms.

        Interestingly (or not!) my cat is fed completely freely/ad libitum. The deal is that he always has dry food/kibble available (we know how much to leave from experience to ensure he doesn’t run out) and he gets wet food on demand in the morning and evening.

        This started because he would sometimes eat whatever you put in front of him, too fast, sometimes to the point of making himself sick, possibly due to being a rescue/shelter cat and used to not having enough food – and if he didn’t eat it all right away, he would then turn his nose up at anything that had been out for more than about 30 seconds.

        So the vet initially advised us to just feed him little bit by little bit. And then we found he self-regulated absolutely perfectly – whenever he goes to the vet they say his weight is completely perfect, so we just kept feeding him on demand, and he has always been fine with how unpredictable it is as he knows we will show up and feed him at some point. When I get home, if he’s hungry he wraps himself round my neck like a scarf and purrs in my ear. If he’s still hungry later he will sit in specific places and stare at me. He’s somehow established ways of signalling that he’s hungry that his humans understand.

        I’m sure it’s textbook how not to do it, as he doesn’t really have a routine, but we are all happy and his weight is perfect so whatever, if it ain’t broke…

    7. Lilo*

      That actually doesn’t sound atypical at all. My cat is fine when I’m gone at work, but when I work at home he wants to be with me at all times – cats often want to know what the people around them are doing.

      Re: food – it might make sense for Gary’s feedings to be spread out a little more. Sometimes cats rush their food and get gastric distress. If he’s a fat cat on a diet, also, he’s not going to understand he’s on a diet, he’s just going to know he’s fed less and feel deprived. So the begging may make sense. I would also double check his water when he begs.

    8. Sunflower*

      Thanks for the advice. To elaborate, he is on some special cat food that I think the vet recommended. I think we are going to ask Sam to buy an automatic feeder because both I and my other roommate do not have consistent schedules and are often gone for days at a time too.

      It sounds like the main issue is here Gary isn’t happy and Sam doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him. She’s said he probably has anxiety and has mentioned putting him on some sort of cat ‘xanax’. Is that something that exists/might be good for him? She has hired a cat sitter for him once in the past- would it be helpful to have her hire someone to come in more consistently and play with him? This isn’t a deal-breaking situation and while I don’t mind Gary being around, I’m not going to play with him. At the very least, I think I need to ask Sam to talk to the vet about this

  40. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m proud I got through a rough week and successfully made social plans for the weekend. I also set some personal weight lifting records (I am still firmly in the “newb gains” camp but it’s pretty satisfying to bench over 100lb).

    I am struggling with work, as always. I’m also in an area that had a lot of wildfire smoke and that was awful. I used to smoke in college and it’s a very similar feeling for my lungs, plus having difficulty breathing is a huge anxiety trigger for me.

    I’ve been having trouble waking up and getting to work in time. That’s going to be my goal for the next week.

    1. Shrunken Hippo*

      Yay for making social plans!

      I hear you on the smoke part. It’s finally clearing up in my area, but it was getting bad for a while there. Then again after having the air quality rating be 49 (on a scale from 1-10+ with anything above a seven being horrible) any day I can see across the street is a good day! I have asthma so the smoke has really been making it hard for me to breathe and get a good night’s sleep. Thankfully there are supposed to be a few small rain storms over the next week so that should help.

      I’m proud that I’ve been able to look at job postings without immediately thinking that getting hired for them is impossible. I even got up the courage to apply for a job at a jewelry store in a local mall. It’s the first time in weeks that I’ve been excited about a possible job and not fallen into a self-hate fueled depression. I think that learning new art stuff and playing around with it has really helped. Thankfully my mum has tons of art supplies I’m allowed to use so I can play to my hearts content.

      I’ve still been struggling with feelings of hopelessness, most of which stems from me having a degree in a profession I can never work in (due to a health issue I developed during my final semester at school) and my lack of a job right now. It hurts to have the goal you aim for for 6 years be completely removed from you by something you can’t control. For the coming week I’m going to try and find something positive about my degree. I think that if I can do that some of my negative feelings would be lessened. Of course getting a job would help as well, but that might take a bit longer.

      I hope everyone affected by floods, fires, droughts, hurricanes, and everything else nature has thrown at us lately stays safe!

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I’m sorry to hear about the work situation – it sounds like there’s a grieving process involved.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I’m proud of myself for buying more healthy food at the grocery store this week than junk food.

      Do you have any specific strategies in mind for getting up so you’re on time for work?

      1. Junior Dev*

        Getting to sleep earlier will help. And sleeping better. I think that will improve as the smoke is going away.

        But honestly I’m not sure. Someone suggested making appointments before work, which sounds good in theory but who does appointments at 7:30 AM? The one thing I can think of is the personal trainer at the gym, but I think I don’t like her training style so maybe I’ll see if the other trainer there does morning appointments.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          If you’re a coffee drinker, you could get one of those coffee pots with a timer and set it up at night before so that your coffee is ready to go when your alarm goes off. That might help.

    3. Aurion*

      I wrote 31k words of fiction in a month and a half, which I’m quite proud of.

      My lifting, however, is pretty terrible. I took several months off after breaking my finger and I still haven’t quite gotten back into the swing of things. I’m struggling with weights I used to warm up with, haha. It’s making me not want to go back to the gym, which will not improve the situation.

      This weekend is for catching up to sleep/chores and see if I can reset for next week.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Dang, that’s a lot of words!

        The blessing and the curse of lifting weights is that there are hard numbers attached… blessing because you see progress in real time, curse because when you take time off for it’s so easy to get frustrated. You’ll get it back!

    4. JaneB*

      I took my elderly cat to the vet hoping for reassurance that I was worrying over nothing but now find she MIGHT have a terminal illness, the vet talked about exploratory surgery and “just letting her slip away” if she had the nasty thing instead of the benign alternative, but also pointed out that anaesthesia has risks for older pets. As her quality of life is currently fine (she’s hungry and eating well, playing and rushing around occasionally, interested in things, not hiding away) he suggested I just keep an eye on her. And now I’m a total mess… especially as I have to go away for work in early October and she’ll be in a cattery. Basically I’m catastrophising and trying to talk myself down, whilst the cause of it all is obliviously upside down and fast asleep in my favourite chair. Stoopid brain…

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      Well done on getting through a tough week and sorry to hear about the smoke – it sounds awful.

      Is waking up a new problem or an old one that’s resurfaced?

      I’m struggling a bit with beating myself up over tiny things eg I bought a diary that was meant to come with stickers, the stickers are missing and I keep wanting to berate and bully myself for being so stupid as to have not checked before I bought it, and feeling really upset that they’re missing. When I’m upset over something really small it’s generally a sign that I’ve ignored something bigger that’s going on and I haven’t quite figured it out yet.

      On the upside I seem to be doing better with my OCD. I have got 11 pages into a work notebook without having to rip any out which is huge as this is an issue for me.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Congratulations on the work notebook!

        I hear you on the beating yourself up thing. It’s gotten better as I’ve improved my mental health generally, but when I’m I’m in a bad place my brain likes to take the smallest mistakes or problems and extrapolate how I’m the worst person and will never succeed at anything.

    6. bassclefchick*

      I’m proud that I’m 1/3 of the way through the new job and everything is going well! The self doubt is slowly turning into confidence every day. Didn’t think I would get back to a place where I felt competent.

      I’m also proud that I signed up for the Fellow Flowers virtual run/walk series. There will be 13 races over the next three years, with special swag if you finish all of them. My depression/anxiety got the better of me this past year and I stopped taking care of my health. I’m looking forward to finishing 13 races. Scary, but I can do it!

      I’m still having trouble believing in myself. I just don’t feel like I’ve done anything great with my life and feel like a failure most days. I want to change that mindset.

    7. Red*

      You can do it, Dev! You’re making a lot of progress!

      I’m still stuck in the same depressive episode, despite my best efforts. It sucks balls. Wednesday will be two weeks from the day of my urgent psychiatrist appointment and the medication adjustment, so I’m just trying to make it to that point with the hope that I’ll wake up and feel better. If that doesn’t happen, idk. I’ll probably just make another urgent appointment and hope for the best again, but ugh. This is just not ok.

      I’m extra concerned because I’m working full time and starting college courses on Monday so I simply do not have the time and energy to feel like shit *and* get things done. What was I thinking??

      If anyone has any advice or helpful coping mechanism suggestions, I’m all ears!

      1. Junior Dev*

        Hugs. I find it helps to parents down my commitments to 1) stuff that NEEDS to get done and 2) stuff that reliably makes me feel better. So for me, going to work, seeing friends, exercise. It’s ok if I don’t grocery shop and eat take out. It’s ok if I don’t do laundry and have to dig in my closet and wear something kind of strange. I don’t know if that helps.

        1. Red*

          Thank you. I’ve been thinking about it and I think I’m going to go an easier route with school. This is not my first bout of depression and won’t be the last, so I need to pick something I don’t have to be functioning at 100% to do.

    8. Mimmy*

      After a rough few weeks during the summer, I am back to baseline. Let’s hope it lasts – I was really beginning to think my job was going to lead to a mental breakdown.

      I’m proud that I was able to take a compliment from the director at work without being all self-deprecating.

    9. Courtney*

      I finally found a therapist who takes my insurance and will be going for an appointment on Monday. I really think I’d benefit more from a psychiatrist, as I’ve done extensive therapy in the past and am employing all those strategies and at the point where I’m pretty sure I need to just go back on Zoloft. But my doctor stopped taking my insurance, my new doctor can’t see me for a month, and the psychiatrist won’t see me until I’ve had three recent therapy sessions. So that’s what I’m doing.

      Good luck with the getting up early thing – that’s tough for me too. I don’t have a choice nowadays because my two year old will pull on my hand telling me to get up over and over until I give in. I like the idea of waking up even earlier so I can workout before everyone else in the house is awake, but I haven’t been able to make that happen.

    10. LizB*

      I’m taking some time this weekend to try and get myself back on track, in terms of taking care of my emails, budget, bills, etc. I’ve been doing the bare minimum and avoiding the rest, but I feel better when I’m actually on top of things.

      Also going to try and clean up my dresser so I can actually find and use my pill organizer. I take my meds much more regularly when they’re all set out for me.

      1. Red*

        Good luck! I find my pill organizer immensely valuable, to the point where I got a fancy one where the daytime and nighttime meds are separated and the individual days can be separated in case of travel. There’s no way I could keep track of everything without it.

        1. LizB*

          See, I feel super silly that I’m so bad at taking my meds without my organizer, because really it’s just one med. Singular. I also take an over-the-counter allergy pill and some vitamins, but the only actually important thing is one pill in the morning. I should be able to take that consistently without needing a labeled box for it, right? And yet, not so much. Ah, my brain. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

          1. Junior Dev*

            I have a hard time with taking my one singular med, don’t feel bad. I also added some vitamins to my pill organizer, so it feels a little better than taking a single pill with it.

    11. Bryce*

      The smoke here in Portland has been difficult for me. My hometown was hit by a “controlled” burn that wasn’t (they call them prescribed burns now) 17 years ago and everything came flooding back. On the day they sounded the evac for the places around there, I came across a photo of one of the dams/towns with the hills aflame behind it and the stress just boiled over. Spent the whole day with sobbing fits until I could work my way through it, and I really feel for the people now wondering if they’ll have any home to go back to when it’s all over. I don’t have money, supplies or space to offer but I’ve got hands and time so I’m keeping my ears open for any shelters or other places that need volunteers. Haven’t been many of those that didn’t immediately fill up, partially because disasters bring out the best (and worst) in people, and partially because what the professionals really need right now is for people to get out of their way.

    12. Mischa*

      I finally admitted to myself and someone else, that yes, I think I’m struggling with depression, and have been for years. Waiting to hear back from my university’s psychiatrist to schedule an evaluation. I’m really proud that I’m finally starting to take care of myself, even if it’s just one little step.

      I’ve been having horrible sleep problems, and I don’t think the stress of grad school/depression (or whatever it is) are helping, but that’s what the appointment with the doctor is for. This is oddly liberating. Is that a normal feeling?

    13. Elizabeth West*

      Frustration, mostly. It’s a huge anxiety trigger for me, and it’s been mounting more and more as I keep up this (seemingly futile) job search. Seriously, it’s been ten months. If I had gotten pregnant ten months ago, I would have a baby now, LOL. Plus, I want out of here so badly I can’t even stand it. And not having a tangible reason to get up in the morning means I go to bed at midnight, then wake up at seven and lie around for another half hour. This will not do if I get a job! I feel like the universe has stalled, but I don’t know why or what to do, and it’s driving me NUTSO.

      1. Fake old Converse shoes*

        I know how it feels. It took me almost a year to get my first job in my field after six painful months in a call center. Hang in there.

    14. Sylvan*

      Social anxiety is being a pain in the ass right now.

      I’m working on it. I also have a good therapist and psychiatrist, medication that works, and a social anxiety workbook that is less dumb than the average mental health workbook.

      If I haven’t gotten out of my comfort zone and done something social by this time next week, somebody reach through the internet and shake me.

    15. Stella's Mom*

      Thanks for having this thread. My comment may not get seen but might be ok just to write it out.
      I am waiting on forms and some bureaucracy stuff to get sorted and my university course starts Monday 18th. I have only Mon 11 and Tues 12 to sort out this stuff as 9/13-9/15 (and maybe 18th) the location I am staying is having major work done on it, and I have to be here. I have to go a long distance to deal with the government bureaucracy and I am majorly stressing out over something that cost an extra $200 (fast five day service turnaround) is now at 13 business days and they have nothing to tell me but to wait. I am so stressed my gall bladder removal surgery area is hurting – and I need to attend to this but will have to wait at least 2 weeks due to timing and insurance coverage stuff. I am trying to do some self care and just had a visitor stay an tour with me for 3 days which was nice but …. dang, I am freaking out. Can’t have any wine, makes the gall area hurt more. So maybe a hot bath and a drive in the rain? My cat is a bit of comfort.

    16. hard week*

      I’m really struggling with self-loathing and hopelessness this week. I struggle a lot with old patterns of behavior that I learned from my mother but that are so not helpful to me. And I know, I really do, that I have made immense progress – like, I went on a few dates! I have plans to meet a newish friend! – so now I am not rejecting people when they are still miles away, but it seems that even when closer to people, I still turn to ways of thinking and acting that alienate people. I keep telling myself that it’s normal to struggle and it’s a sign of progress that I now struggle with being in a much more open place, but this week I’m feeling really shitty about it, and wonder if I’ll ever get “there” (I know there is no “there” to get to). I’m middle age and wonder if I have enough time to unpack it all or if I’m too far gone and too old and I should just pack it in. But what is the alternative? I will just keep getting older right, whether I do anything or not. And my life is so immensely better, but it’s taken so much work and so many years to get here.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        You sound really insightful. Which is great, but it can get so exhausting having to be, can’t it?

        I am thinking of everyone on this thread and grateful to Junior Dev for posting it.

  41. Foreign Octopus*

    I went out for dinner on Thursday night for about 3 hours. Nothing huge.

    I did not expect my cat to think that I’d abandoned her. When I got home, she would not let go of me. I went straight to bed and she was right there, tucked under my arm, and squidged up against my breasts all night. If I even shifted slightly in my sleep, she snuggled closer.

    It took 24 hours for her to ease up on me but she’s still following me into every room of the house.

    I’m dreading her reaction when I go out for drinks next week.

    1. fposte*

      Can you set her up with something fun while you’re gone? Puzzle feeder, hunt-for-teeny-treats game, kibble in a water bottle, etc.?

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        That might be a good idea. I’ll have a Google later. Thanks for the suggestion.

        Also, this seems to be a cat heavy open thread this week. I love it!

        1. JaneB*

          It will get better as she gets to learn that you come back… mine went from total cling to actually beat no confidemt enough to punishment-ignore me for a few hours (she follows me round the house in order to make a point of annoying me, it’s hilarious) after an outing…

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Is it the first time you’ve left her? It will get easier!

      Mine yells at me when I get home. Husband gets cuddles. I get tellings off.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I’ve popped out for work before but that was only about two hours. She seemed fine. It might have been because the evening is the time that we get to snuggle down in front of the TV together and it was strange not to do that.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Oh yes, you’ve DISRUPTED THE SCHEDULE, and that just isn’t done. :D

          That said, if this is new and it doesn’t return to normal, I would check that she isn’t experiencing some discomfort. Some cats get clingy when they’re not feeling well (although I think the majority will avoid others, it really depends). Like with our cats, I will pat/very gently squeeze most parts to see if they get unusually upset, but I have had a little clinical training and our cats are (mostly) OK with me doing that. (For example, I am the Designated Nail Clipper in the house.)

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            God, I could use you in my house!

            She won’t let me get close to her nails unless they are sinking into my bare skin. Fancy a holiday to Spain to clip a cat’s nails?

            1. The Cosmic Avenger*

              Spain is on my list! But you might be able to do it yourself eventually, without paying for a round-trip business class ticket! (What, you thought I was cheap? ;) ) For the difficult cats, it started with me putting them upside down on my lap, then giving them a treat. Then I’d also clip one claw, and then giving them a treat. Then, after they got comfortable with that, two or three claws, etc.

              Well, there was the one cat who would sit there for all his claws from the start, but he’d also purr any time you picked him up, even if you slung him over your shoulder or around your neck. :D

  42. Dodged a bullet*

    There seems to be a lot of people here recently taking steps to leave bad relationships. I hope everything goes well, and it continues to improve for you all, you’re doing the best thing for yourselves and your lives. And I hope everyone else out there in an abusive/draining/unsupportive/million other adjectives relationships and can’t leave at the moment, that things change for you as well and you can take care of yourself. And for those in bad relationships who don’t realise it yet…when I started feeling scared to read texts because I didn’t know if it would be an innocuous response or an unpredictable, angry one, I knew the relationship was not good, and thankfully I was able to leave it quickly. And I hope you can realise that as well and things improve for you too

    1. Purple snowdrop*

      I’m one. Thank you.
      Started at a support group for people in/who’ve left abusive relationships this week. It was helpful (and I admit this is a horrible thing to say but I was scared the rest of the group would be awful and they weren’t, they were lovely) but nearly everyone else has left already and it was pretty weird to be the only one that’s still there. There are Reasons, but still. I want to be out three months ago.

      Still. I’m getting closer.

      Thank you for thinking of me and the others in similar situations.

  43. CatCat*

    OMG, I am at my hairdresser’s little place. She just has two chairs and I’m usually the only client here when my hair gets done. There’s another client here just mega oversharing about her IUD, uterus, and cervix. So much TMI and fascinating medical drama. I’m enthralled. But also… TMI, total stranger, T.M.I.

    1. katamia*

      I do. I’m on hormonal birth control (pills because I’m terrified of IUDs, although I missed a month so I’m not taking anything right now). I’m also preemptively trying to cut back on sugar/carbs because of the increased insulin resistance and because diabetes runs in my family anyway.

      I don’t know how well I’m really managing it, tbh, but I have an advantage over some because I have no interest in ever getting pregnant so the possible fertility issues aren’t a factor for me.

    2. Christy*

      I’ve been on metformin for years now. I also lost about 40 lbs from my max weight–I’m still right near the line between obese and overweight, but 40 lbs helped. I used to be on birth control and spironolactone but I felt like the hormones messed me up. (Plus iirc they are only treating symptoms anyway.) Since I’m a lesbian I don’t need the BC so I went off hormones entirely. I am WAY happier being off the hormones. I feel like my cycle is much more regular now, actually.

      My period is pretty regular now and while I have a heavy Day 2 it’s pretty manageable. My gynecologist says I shouldn’t have any particular issue conceiving.

      Oh, and I exercise almost daily and eat a relatively healthy diet.

    3. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

      I was diagnosed in 2005 when I was 24 after years of trying to get answers for this massive and sudden weight gain in 18 months. I went from 120lbs in Spring 2002 to 210 lbs by Fall 2013. My regular doctor told me I was depressed so I was gaining weight. I said no, I’m gaining weight at an incredibly unsafe rate and something is clearly wrong so I’m depressed. A second doctor threw the pill at me which made everything worse. In 2005 I got a new job and my own health insurance, walked into a new OBGYN, and she said I was textbook PCOS and should never have been put on the pill because it just makes it worse as far as fertility and my husband and I were wanting to start a family.

      Two years of Metformin allowed me to stabilize my weight and insulin resistance. I stopped the metformin in 2007 in order to try to conceive. In 2009 we tried Clomid and I conceived my son. I gained up to 240lbs while pregnant but lost so much weight after I had him – down to an even 200lbs. Unfortunately my body has decided it prefers “pregnancy” weight and sticks me at 244lbs no matter what. I had a tonsillectomy a few months ago and lost 12 lbs – even with restrictive eating, I gained it all back within two weeks. My doctor had me try Metformin again and wouldn’t you know, I was one of the less than 1% that develops mild liver toxicity from it.

      In the 7 years since I’ve had my son, I’ve had countless surgeries and procedures including two rounds of stimulated IVF and three FETs. I’m actually doing a FET cycle right now and should transfer next week or so.

      Right now I focus very tightly on managing insulin resistance as a big part of my PCOS. I drink approximately 150 oz of water a day at a minimum and watch my carbs and sugar as much as possible. It allows stability. I’ve got to go in to my RE again and see what other options are available since metformin wasn’t an option. He wanted me to look into a medical weight loss program but all the ones in my area are more for surgery which I do not want.

      Please feel free to shoot me an email if you want to talk off-site. I’m happy to share.

  45. The most uncomfortable anon*

    Can we talk about something awkward? So… I think I have an external hemorrhoid?!! If you’ve dealt with one please tell me how to relieve this misery!

    I’ll be going to a clinic to talk to doctor, but would really appreciate any advice and sympathy.

    Ya’ll, I’ve had THE WORST two weeks, now this… :(

    1. Anoa*

      Tuck’s wipes are great. They’re soaked in witch hazel & they have a cooling feeling & seem to help with swelling.

      1. Courtney*

        Yes, I second this advice! Also, stool softeners if it’s painful to use the bathroom. So sorry you’re experiencing this, and with such bad timing! I had external and internal after my second c-section and remember very long crying bathroom visits. Not fun.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Organic apple juice not from concentrate can be very helpful in easing bowel movements. You can cut it with half water if you wish. And you do not need a ton of it, a bottle of juice can last over a week if you have one glass a day and cut it with water.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Preparation H, man. If that’s not enough, the doctor can give you a prescription for some stronger stuff.

      Drink lots of water and make sure you’re eating enough fiber to make you nice and regular. Most of the time, hemmies come from straining when constipated, so if you’ve been doing any of that, mitigating it will help and keep them from coming back.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Back in the day Preparation H had a disturbingly distinctive odor that made it obvious what your problem was if you used it. Thank goodness they reformulated it and it is now close to being unscented.

        If you can’t get the Tucks wipes, plain witch hazel works well applied with a cotton ball.

    3. Peanut*

      Hot water. Really! I never take baths – except for the one time i got a hemorrhoid, and I soaked in the tub for a few nights in a row.

    4. The most uncomfortable anon*

      Thank you all for your advice! Picked up Tucks wipes and prep H and Epsom salts. Had a nice soak with salts and used prep H. Things are feeling better. I already eat a high fibre diet, have a healthy BMI and drink tons of water. I don’t strain much if at all… this seems to have come from nowhere!

      So, what happens next? Will it just fade away and everything return to normal? It’s already smaller than when it emerged. Will it come back? Tell me what I have to look forward to/prepare myself for. Also is it normal to have a new stretch mark near/linked to it? Or is that just a happy coincidence? I feel like I’m wayyy to young for this :( Although I read that 3/4 adults will get one so… maybe if I’m lucky this is it and I won’t get another?!

      1. also anon*

        Ungh. Hemorrhoids are terrible.

        I got my first one about 10 years ago. My doc said it would come back now and then and sadly, he was right. (When the hemorrhoid “goes away” it’s simply retreating back inside because it’s no longer filled with blood/pus, but the underlying structure is still there and it can fill back up and come out again.)

        Fortunately it seems to happen only about once every couple of years. When that happens I use Prep H about four times a day, plus Tucks wipes, and it usually takes about two weeks for the sucker to go back where it came from.

        My sympathies.

        1. The most uncomfortable anon*

          Thanks- this is kinda what I figured but good to hear from experience. I wish ppl were more open about bodies- I’ve had so much weird sh*t happen since I hit my late 20s … I wish I had known what to expect in adulthood!

    1. katamia*

      Yep. I’m even angrier because I got an email from one of my credit cards last month (i.e., after the hack was stopped but long before they announced it) that my score had gone down, but I thought it was because I was carrying a large credit card balance because I had to pay grad school tuition. I haven’t gone to the website because I haven’t had time (see above re various moving crises, lol) and because of the talk of waiving your right to sue, but I’d bet a lot of money that the decreased credit score is from someone using my info. Now I’m leaving in under two weeks and I’ll have to fix the probable identity theft/fraud damage from overseas because I won’t even get the credit report in the mail before I leave.

        2. katamia*

          Nope, I’ve tried that. TransUnion and Experian told me they couldn’t give me my report online, and Equifax just broke the website (not sure I’d trust their credit report right now anyway). I ordered one over the phone yesterday, and they claim it’ll take 2-3 weeks to get to me (though I wouldn’t be surprised if it took longer given how many people are probably ordering scores now, and by which time I’ll be gone, but it’s going to a family address with family I trust not to abuse the information, so they’ll scan it and email it to me when it comes).

          1. copy run start*

            You can try Credit Karma to see what’s being reported. Their goal is to sell you credit cards and stuff and the score isn’t super accurate, but if you’re comfortable with it you could at least see if you have something to worry about. I believe it’s a soft pull, so it won’t hurt your score more.

      3. Dan*

        Hm… Why do you want to assume that your score decrease is a result of the hack? I’d bet that your first instinct is correct. Your credit utilization is about the second most important part of your score calculation. Unless you have very large credit lines, certainly charging tuition will have a significant impact on your score.

        For the breach to have any significant impact, people would have had to open up credit accounts with significant lines of credit, max them out, and then stop paying. It takes several months for that to happen, and I don’t think enough time has passed for that to happen.

        Yes, they could have opened up a bunch of accounts, but that has only a marginal impact.

        1. katamia*

          Fair point, but there have also been a couple of other instances of fraud or possible fraud on accounts related to me (actually one of my parents’ credit cards, but I’m an authorized user, and that credit card company claimed that they had gotten a copy of my card rather than one of my parents’, although I’m not sure how they could tell), and while it’s possible someone could have gotten the info from a skimmer, I still don’t like the timing, especially since I don’t really use that card. It was also a much larger score drop than I was expecting–I was expecting a drop of maybe 20 or 30 points for the tuition, not 70 points.

          1. Dan*

            It’s not unusual to see the drop you’ve seen just by charging tuition. Of course, that all depends on a number of factors, so that same charge amount can affect people differently.

            But while the other activity you describe may be related to the data breach, I’m almost positive it has nothing to do with your score drop. The most likely impacts to your score are going to come from new account opening, but even that is minor. The major impacts are going to come from people maxing out those cards, not paying the bills, and letting them default. That behavior will kill your score. But not enough time has really passed for that to have happened.

            Simple fraudulent charges as you’ve described will have a negligible, if any impact on your score.

    2. neverjaunty*

      DO NOT sign up for their TrustedID, which means waiving your right to participate in any lawsuit against them (and yes, I know they claim that doesn’t apply to the data breach, but I assure you their lawyers will argue otherwise in court).

      Link to the FTC’s advice on protecting your credit file is in my username.

      1. fposte*

        Thanks. I’m finding it pretty enraging how cagey they’re being about who isn’t and isn’t compromised (I’m in the vast middle group that didn’t get a clear answer but got told to sign up anyway), and apparently a couple of EOs dumped stock after the information was known in the company, which I hope gets some scrutiny.

        1. neverjaunty*

          I don’t think you can actually sign up yet? They just have that totally fake tool (which you can enter any information at all into) to see if you were affected and which directs you to sign up in a week or so.

      4. Cruciatus*

        Actually, everything I’m reading says that the “arbitration clause and class action waiver included in the Equifax and TrustedID Premier terms of use does not apply to this cybersecurity incident.” They received such a bad response about that that they took it out. I’m signed up…to be enrolled. WTF? I don’t even get to actually enroll until Wednesday. They have botched their response on this (not to mention the whole thing happening in the first place!). And I’m trying to buy a house… and this stupid thing is bad enough to potentially affect people their entire rest of their lives because of unchanging social security numbers. Just mind boggling.

        1. neverjaunty*

          Yes, that’s what Equifax is saying on their FAQ page…. which is not part of the Terms of Service, and which is not legally binding. And their lawyers will sure as heck argue in court that the TrustedID service arbitration extends to the breach. (You see, the TrustedID was supposed to protect against the breach, but you say you suffered damages, so your harm is really the result of both things… meaning you agreed to arbitration, QED!)

          Wells Fargo did this when they were caught opening fraudulent accounts using customers’ data. Even though the customers had never agreed to those accounts, WF claimed that the arbitration clause for the accounts they HAD agreed to extended to the fraud.

          It’s notable that there is no opt-out provision for TrustedID’s arbitration, even though there is one for the Equifax website’s use.

          1. Ophelia Bumblesmoop*

            My business law is discussing the Wells Fargo situation. California is processing a new senate bill that would prevent the waiver of class action/trial court in favor of mandatory arbitration because that is how Wells Fargo got away with this issue for so long – the initial victims were required to participate in arbitration where WF slapped an NDA on the settlement. That also prevents the trial court from accessing the records to see what WF actually admitted to and what those victims were awarded.

    3. AnonAndOn*

      It’s a complete mess. I got the impression that they knew about this for over a month and are just now announcing the breach.

      I can’t believe Equifax is still considered one of the three systems to get a free credit report from. I don’t trust it. I tried to get a report from Experian online but it wouldn’t let me. I have to request one via mail.

      I checked my credit score at Credit.com (it’s free) and my credit score is listed as average.

    4. Cristina in England*

      I signed up with Credit Journey with Chase for free, which gives me my score anytime I like (I am already a Chase customer but I don’t know if that matters).

      I found this NYT article useful:
      https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/08/your-money/identity-theft/equifaxs-instructions-are-confusing-heres-what-to-do-now.html

      Loads of people in the comments said Experian and Transunion knocked them back for an online credit freeze (me too). Experian seems to routinely be asking people to MAIL copies of ID and address. I just… how can this be allowed?

    5. Cristina in England*

      In that Reddit link there is something about chexsystems. Is this legit? There is irony in handing over a ton of personal details to a company you’ve never heard of to protect yourself from thieves using your personal details.

        1. Cristina in England*

          Thanks! I googled them but I got a lot of hits where people were complaining about them.

          2. MsChanandlerBong*

            I’ve learned to take consumer complaints with a grain of salt. Ripoff Report is filled with outraged complaints from people who apparently don’t know how credit cards work. Ex: “I made a late payment, and this bank had the audacity to charge me a late fee! How dare they charge me $25!” Sure, the fees are excessive, but they’re spelled out in the card agreement.

            1. Ramona Flowers*

              Reminds me of all the complaints from people who signed up for a free Amazon Prime trial, forgot to cancel and claimed they didn’t know they’d be charged.

    7. Managing to get by*

      The website is shifty. You can put in nonsense information and it wills say your info was compromised. I read an article stating that, and then just tried it with a random word for last name and random numbers for the SSN.

      The credit monitoring service that it will enroll you in is owned by Equifax.

      I’m reaching out to my state attorney general’s office about it.

  47. Rogue*

    I’m currently up in PA. I’d like to take a couple different trips; one to Lancaster, another to Philadelphia, and another to Baltimore, MD. Any must sees? Great places to eat? Hints and tips? Thanks, everyone!

    1. hermit crab*

      Lititz (in Lancaster County) is a great place to walk around and do some small-town sightseeing. I grew up nearby and going to Lititz was always our favorite day out. You can visit a historic pretzel factory and learn how to make a pretzel. There is also a candy museum (this is Central PA; we are all about our snacks).

      If you are in Lancaster City, check out the Central Market (the nation’s oldest farmers market!) and Gallery Row. Also, if it’s nice out and you like dogs, you should absolutely go to the dog park near the F&M campus. It’s fabulous and there are so many nice dogs. You can sit in an adirondack chair and just watch the dogs frolic.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Hershey isn’t too far from Lancaster and that’s a fun place. My BFF and I went there on our vacation and did some fun stuff.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      My cousin lives in Lancaster. Every time I visit I go to Kitchen Kettle Village in Intercourse. There are various shops you can go into for clothing, food, etc. One has tons of jams, jellies, etc. and they always have lots and lots of samples out. Probably my favorite store there. LOL Also, there’s a little stand that makes fresh kettle corn and it’s really the best I’ve ever had. It’s not that neon candy coated crap you get at carnivals. They pop it right there and bag it while it’s still hot. Delicious!! kitchenkettle dot com. 3529 Old Philadelphia Pike in Intercourse. Open 9-5.

    4. Just visiting*

      The Helmand in Baltimore is one of the best restaurants I have ever been to. There is also a good aquarium, tall ships, and the Walters art museum if you like any of that stuff. If you go at Christmastime there is an area with famously over the top light displays, don’t remember the name but I am sure it’s Googleable or someone here will know.

      I am also just leaving a work trip to Philadelphia, and I didn’t have time to do too much fun stuff, but I was impressed by the number of museums and beautiful parks along the Benjamin Franklin Parkway, I have heard good things about the maritime museum, and there is a national historical park in town too. I want to come back and do touristy stuff with my family!

      1. C*

        34th Street for the Christmas light (think Miracle on 34th Street movies & it makes it easy to remember – I realize the movie was not set in Baltimore but it is why 34th Street goes over the top).

    5. Iza*

      If you’re into speakeasy-esque bars, you HAVE to go to WC Harlan. Clavel Mezcaleria is also close by, and while I have only been for brunch, their chilaquiles were amazing. Also highly recommend the American Visionary Arts Museum – super fun!

  48. Elise*

    I’m starting to wonder if I have some sort of warped body image issues. I think I started being insecure about body image in high school (as I suspect a lot of people do) and it’s something I hoped I’d grow out of but in the decade or so since that hasn’t yet happened.

    The other day I was in a mall and saw someone walking towards me who was wearing a very similar outfit, and I was thinking how it looked so much better on them…and then realised I was walking towards a glass door and it my own reflection I was looking at. So apparently I don’t have a problem with the actual way I /look/ so long as I don’t know it’s /me/…because once I realised that I didn’t think the outfit looked so good after all.

    At this point I’m wondering if it’s all psychological and maybe I shouldn’t be pursuing the diet/lifestyle/exercise articles and talk to a therapist or something…but it seems like such a silly thing to be seeking therapy for, not to mention that it feels like something only the extremely vain would do.

    I don’t know, sometimes I wish I could get out of my own headspace for a while.

    1. Dr. KMnO4*

      I don’t think it’s a silly thing to get therapy for at all. You’ve discovered that you struggle with body image, and that part of the problem is psychological. I think it makes sense to see someone, because problems with body image tend to be linked to eating disorders. So seeing a therapist might help prevent future problems. It’s not vain to want to take care of yourself.

    2. fposte*

      This sounds like a great reason to go to therapy; wherever you go, there you are, so you might as well be glad to see you.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      It’s not silly, or vain, to want to talk to a therapist about something that’s affecting you and causing you to have feelings you don’t want to have. I think exploring therapy sounds like a really good idea.

    4. Paul*

      my standard boilerplate: if you’re debating therapy, and you can afford it, it’s probably worth at least trying out. Regardless of what it’s for.

    5. Bryce*

      It took me a long time to learn how to look in the mirror without flinching. There are things about me I’d like to improve, but now when I look in it I see me looking back, not a bunch of flaws. It’s a skill some of us need to learn that seems to come naturally to others.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Are you super critical of other aspects of your life? Do you make a lot of negative judgements about yourself?

      I will say this. For whatever reason, I never had many full length mirrors in my life. This meant I never nailed down a mental image of how I looked. In public I would see myself in a window reflection and be surprised in a good way or bad way, it varied. And when I finally finished losing weight, my mind really boggled.

      I do agree that permanent dissatisfaction with one’s looks can actually be a disguise for a different problem. I would keep reading articles on living healthy while considering therapy. I don’t think it’s an either/or situation. Self care does have a physical component as well as a mental well-being component.

      You know. I STILL don’t have a full length mirror in my house. sigh.

    7. Paris Geller*

      That doesn’t sound silly to me at all, or vain. I was very reluctant to therapy for a very long time, but it’s helped me a lot in the past few months, and I recommend talking to someone.

    8. Junior Dev*

      Are you reading a lot of articles on diet or fashion? Maybe take a break for a month and see how you feel.

  49. Myrin*

    My gosh, I finally finished cleaning out/thinning out/reorganising my part of the garage!

    We use the garage as storage and it’s just full of stuff! So many boxes! Everywhere! Most of it is due to stuff being uncleverly distributed – I managed to get rid of half of my boxes just by putting things together by “theme”, so to speak (like, let’s say I have books, artwork, and things for decoration, and somehow every box had like three objects of decoration, two artworks, and five books in it, instead of having one box for just decoration! What the heck, past!My??).

    I threw away a lot but also found a lot. There’re also two things I didn’t find which have to be somewhere, I reckon they ended up in someone else’s box.

    I’m so happy this is finally done! I’ll now be able to redo some stuff in my room and also put it in the garage so that I can finally get rid of my invisible corners, as UFYH calls them. So I’m not technically done completely yet but the biggest challenge is over and man, I’m so glad about it!

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Yay!
      I am about to begin getting stuff out of the garage and then out of the house and into the garage in preparation for a sale. I gave myself some accountability by telling my neighbor about it, and she said maybe she’d throw a few things in it too. That would be nice; then we can spell each other if one of us has to go pee, LOL. Prior to this, I’ve done it with one other friend and on my own.

      In this neighborhood, I mostly get old people with handfuls of change, but I mostly want to get RID of stuff. Yes I need money but also space. And to clear stuff out in case I get to move.

  50. SandrineSmiles (France)*

    Phew, what a week!

    Apartment visits are going on every week… we did one today (we reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallly NEED to move) and turns out that while the place is bigger, the living room is about half of what we have now… ouch. So I’ll be sending a nice “nah, thanks but no thanks” email later today.

    Also, finally got my Note 4 back from Samsung repairs… I had been sent a piece of paper to say I needed to pay 47 euros to repair “the cable” and I thought it meant that they had found nothing wrong with the phone (when the phone was the issue) … turns out they DID replace the screen, the motherboard and maybe something else, the only “out of warranty” thing was the cable. I refused that bit, so yay almost brand new phone and didn’t pay a cent :D ! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

  51. Melody Pond*

    I’ve read through Paris Geller’s comment thread on this open thread, as well as last weekend’s open thread. It’s resonating with me.

    TL;DR – For anyone in states where recreational marijuana is legal, have you used it to combat anxiety or social paranoia? What were the results?

    A semi-friend who works in mental health recently told me that behavior (of mine) I was describing was “significant clinical anxiety” and that I should seek help. But… I don’t know, I still don’t feel like what I experience qualifies as clinical anxiety.

    Symptoms
    I don’t ever experience physical symptoms (knots in stomach, breathlessness, etc.), but over the last few years I’ve avoided social situations more and more, due to what I’d consider a bit of social paranoia, and now I don’t feel like I have any close friends. Mr. Pond is my primary social exposure – so I rely on him too much, and it puts pressure on our relationship. When Mr. Pond and I fight, I’m completely consumed by my fear of abandonment, to the point that I’m barely recognizable as a human being – I can’t deal with it if he needs space, and I can’t function at all until it’s resolved. Going to work in the middle of a bad fight is almost unbearable, and the second I’m free from work, all I can do is curl up under blankets with my cat and stuffed animals (my semi-friend had suggested that I go do something else out of the house, and I’d replied that there was no way that was an option for me, that I didn’t feel anywhere near safe or secure enough to not be in the house, until I felt like Mr. Pond liked me again – this was what the semi-friend considered “significant clinical anxiety”).

    Things I’ve tried/done in the past
    I’ve been to counselors many times over the years – but I just wind up venting and getting a bit of validation about the things I need, and nothing ultimately changes. (I talk a lot, and I’m pretty introspective, so it’s not like they’re typically helping me figure things out about myself or providing insight that I didn’t already have about myself)

    I asked a doctor one time about getting medication for an upcoming school presentation situation that WAS giving me significant physical-symptom anxiety, and was basically told no, it wasn’t possible in the timeframe I needed it.

    How to move forward?
    After talking to my semi-friend, and hearing her describe what “help” might look like, I’ve realized that I don’t believe anything is going to change without some type of medication to somewhat dull the effects of my panic-level fear about abandonment and isolation – so that I can try to deal with it in a more rational manner. But, at the same time, I’m really doubtful that any doctor is going to be comfortable with prescribing medication if I go in asking for it. So I’m not super motivated to try, because I don’t think I could deal with the disappointment of being told “no”.

    The only thing I can come up with, that I feel somewhat confident about, is that recreational marijuana is legal in my state, and I could go and get it on my own. I’m not a huge marijuana user, I’ve only used it a couple times to help with insomnia – but I think people using it for anxiety is a thing that happens. I’ve done some brief googling and found that there are some low-THC, high-CBD strains that are supposed to be good for calming and uplifting one’s mood.

    Has anyone (in states where recreational marijuana is legal) ever tried this with any success?

    1. Red*

      Any chance your primary care doctor would be willing to start you on an SSRI? They are commonly used for depression, but also fantastic at treating anxiety, and they aren’t controlled substances so doctors aren’t as weird about it. Sadly, I’m not in a state where recreational marijuana is legal, so I can’t comment on that, but I wanted to stop by with some advice anyway. I hope everything works out well for you!

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Your friend was wrong to name a diagnosis when you are not their patient. It does sound like you may need some help, but the first step is to get properly assessed and figure out what’s going on. There are a number of things this could be – it’s not necessarily anxiety. Your friend is right to encourage you to seek help though, as this sounds really hard. Medication may not be the answer – it may be that something like CBT or DBT will help.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      My brother self-medicates with weed and while it seems to help his mental/emotional issues, it triggers new problems to replace the old ones. As with all medications, marijuana has side effects. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not bad for your lungs – you’re setting something on fire and inhaling the smoke, presumably for the rest of your life or at least very long term. Studies are also starting to show that it definitely affects the neuron pathways in children so you absolutely cannot smoke weed if you have kids or ever plan to – babies and children can’t live in a house with a daily weed user. It may have a similar affect on adult brains, though data is less conclusive on that point. Anecdotally, my brother is acting in ways that point in that direction. You may feel that all of these things are worth it if your anxiety is reduced. Many people who use it recreationally accept that weed isn’t awesome for you, just as many fun things aren’t awesome for you. More power to anyone who simply enjoys weed without trying to convince me that it’s perfect and wonderful and healthy for all situations, because it’s not.

      If you’re asking for opinions, my personal thoughts are that you should exhaust other options first. Additionally, if you have real trauma concerning abandonment and isolation, it’s very bad for your friend to advise you to mask that with weed instead of working with a therapist to actually solve the problem.

      1. Natalie*

        For whatever it’s worth, lots of people who use medical cannabis don’t smoke it at all. There are a number of edible and topical forms.

    4. TL -*

      You should definitely try a counselor first – look for one that listens to your explicit goals and works towards them. Counseling is about building strategies to deal with your problems, not just about figuring out what they are.

    5. Junior Dev*

      Hi, I have anxiety, I live in a place where pot is legal, and sometimes I use it to deal with anxiety. The difference is it’s one of many tools in my toolbox. I take antidepressants, I have a prescription for Ativan, I see a therapist every other week, and I exercise regularly.

      I don’t think it’s terrible to have marijuana be something you use when you’re in an exceptionally bad place, but if you find yourself using it that way more than a couple times a month it’s time to look into more sustainable options.

      I don’t think it’s morally bad to smoke pot. I do think it’s a bad idea to rely on it every day for more than a very short period of time. (the exception would be for chronic pain, and in that case you should look into edibles. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what is going on with you.)

    6. isolucy*

      I have what my most recent doctor called ‘general anxiety disorder’. I’m not sure if that’s a clinical diagnosis or just what she told me so that I would understand.

      Be very careful with thc. It can help some people, but for others it makes anxiety way worse, and I’ve had some of the worst nights of my life after friends claimed they had the best weed ever and it would like totally help. So, I wouldn’t recommend it until you have a better grip on things.

      If you go to a doctor and ask for medication, it’s unlikely they’ll say no. most will want you to also do some sort of therapy, but that’s supposed to be concurrent. Make sure you’re seeing a psychiatrist, not a generalist, and preferably it is someone who specializes in anxiety. If they say no, make it clear the understand the is no magic bullet and you’re not looking for Valium. If they still say no, they’re incompetent, find someone else.

      The doctor you saw who previously said the timeframe wouldn’t work was right. some meds take months to taper up, and then maybe that won’t be the right one for you after all, so you taper down and then taper something new up. It’s an iterative process, unfortunately, but stick with it!

      1. Junior Dev*

        There’s nothing wrong with looking for Valium. It’s not the best for everyone and it’s true that some doctors will label you “drug seeking” if you explicitly ask for benzos, but Ativan has done a lot to open up my options in life and I don’t think it’s good to stigmatize people looking for short term anxiety relief.

        1. isolucy*

          I was responding to op’s fear that they would be denied drugs just for asking. in that case, I was trying to reassure them not to worry as long as they’re not asking for a name drug that might send up flags.

          I’m sure that Valium is the right choice for some people.

    7. Julia*

      I’m not sure if you’re still reading this, but I wanted to say that I can really identify with what you’re saying. I also suffer from fear of abandonment and my husband and family are my primary sources for social contact, which makes me anxious because, well, they’re not immortal. I do have some friends, but as we grow older, they’re all busy with their own lives or live far away etc. I realize I’m lucky to even have family and a husband (I know people who would love to have those things – one of my closest friends was more or less abandoned by her mother and doesn’t have romantic or social relationships other than me), but having things makes me anxious about losing them. I used to be okay being alone before, but after a really bad depressive bout, I’ve become afraid of myself when I’m alone, and I’m currently in grad school so I spend a lot of time on my own, plus my family is on another continent and my husband works all the time.

      I am on an anti-depressant for sleep, I take lavender and passionfruit with vitamin B suppliments, magnesium, and I’ve just started tryptophan to see if it works. But the only thing that actually makes me feel calmer is a) finding things I enjoy doing on my own and b) cultivating relationships with friends so I know I have some other people to rely on. Unfortunately, option a is difficult due to grad school being a lot of work (and I already tend to procrastinate) and option b isn’t easy either as I’ve mentioned above. But I’m trying to work on them, I’ve bought a self-help book called ‘Healing Your Aloneness’, I downloaded a mediation app (Calm) and I’m seeing a therapist when I can.

      I hope you don’t find me intrusive or dismissive, but I could relate so well I thought I should comment.

  52. periwinkle*

    So we are finally getting something done about our small but awful yard. The property is shaped like a wedge (we’re on a cul-de-sac) so we’ve got a narrowish triangle for a front yard and a wide isosceles trapezoid of a back yard. Only the half of the back yard closer to the house is usable space; the rest is behind a low retaining wall and planted with mostly mature evergreens. The retaining wall is made of railroad ties, which are (1) unpleasant to sit on, (2) not that attractive, and (3) splendid habitat for carpenter ants. The fence is a wood unpainted picket fence that has pretty much collapsed all the way around. The front yard is dominated by a tree stump surrounded by rocks, with the tip of the triangle supporting a messy pine of some variety. So…

    We had the landscaper do the estimate yesterday. He’s going to rip out all the crap, install proper low retaining walls, remove the tree that’s too close to the house, change the front triangle into a simple combination of bark, decorative boulders, and some plants, and trim all the trees. He also promised that the horrible messy pine would look vastly better when trimmed properly, and noted that it’s in fantastic condition otherwise.

    All that work pushes into a 5-figure bill, and then we’ll need to get the fence replaced. I’m now hoping that our range will keep functioning a while longer, since we’ve already had to replace every other kitchen appliance since moving in (they were all original appliances installed when the house was built in 1981). Home ownership is expensive…

  53. Allie Oops*

    Last night Mr. Oops called to check on an Aunt and Uncle (not really, but lifelong family friends) in Florida, to see whether they’d evacuated to their grandkids’ home or what. They are stuck. Aunt’s heart decided that Thursday night was a good time to take a crap, and Friday morning she had two stents put in. She needs more surgery and is hospital-bound for at least a few more days. Family is scrambling to figure out if she can be moved, and logistics thereof. :(

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Oh, how frightening/frustrating. Your friends and others in similar situations are in my thoughts.

  56. Runner*

    One of my friends from college is in the direct line of Irma and is not evacuating, though the area — one expected to be close to first landfall — is under evacuation orders. There is something fatalistic? suicidal? about the Facebook updates. It’s a deliberate decision. I don’t know what I’m asking here, I’m just very confused and concerned.

    1. Paul*

      It shifted kind of last minute, at least on the NOAA model, from east to west coast of Florida. I’m honestly not sure if I’d risk riding it out, or risk trying to evacuate and getting stuck on the road when it hits at this point.

      I’ve got more than a few acquaintances on the west coast of Florida that are behaving similarly; they’d elected to stay in place given the initial projection, but feel like it’s too late to leave now. Lots and lots of sardonic fatalistic post–maybe a coping mechanism? Also a lot of photos of tons of water and alcohol and mixers they’ve stockpiled.

      1. Alicat*

        I live in Key West, as does the entire side of my mother’s family. I evacuated before they even ordered mandatory resident evacuation because I’ve got two dogs and their safety is paramount to me. Most of my family stayed. Now I’m seeing that they’re saying the storm surge is “not survivable” and I’m just…very emotional. A lot of friends and coworkers also stayed and there is some sort of local bravado that is in play for sure, and I’m fairly positive that no one thought it would hit the island, but here we are. Granted I’ve only evacuated to my parents in Miami and for the split second when it was forecasted to hit here instead of the keys my parents were absolutely refusing to leave so….it may just be an old Florida thing. We all went through Andrew and I think most people think things can’t get worse than that and I seriously hope they’re right.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Am shaking my head.
      Some people are all about, “sha, nah, nah, live for today and don’t worry about tomorrow”.

      For me, I have made “worry about tomorrow” a profession. So I am not going to understand folks who are more casual, just as they are not going to understand me.
      The best explanation I have heard is that both worriers and non-worriers have found their choices in life rewarded on a repeated basis. “See? I worried about the coffee pot not being unplugged and when I went back to check I found you had left the bath tub water running.” I feel rewarded for my worry, in my mind it paid off.

      The non-worriers seem to have luck that I do not have. Using your example, I would have to evacuate because no one is going to happen by in a row boat and save me. I just do not have that kind of luck. I think non-worriers have a level of creative problem solving that I might be lacking? Not sure.

      But going even farther some people just don’t act in a manner to preserve their own life. They are high risk takers and that is who they are. Again, not anything I understand for my own life.

      Just my opinion but maybe stop reading the FB posts. And just hope for the best.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      Some people legitimately have nowhere else to go, unless they want to leave their pets behind and drive to another state and stay in an expensive hotel. Hell, I have a very wide social network but most of my friends live in the same county as me. I happen to have a very small and local family. I have no idea where I would evacuate to if I had to.

  57. AvonLady Barksdale*

    There is a U-Haul in front of my terrible neighbors’ house. A U-HAUL. I do not dare to believe they are actually leaving permanently today, but this is such a great sign!!! And from what I understand, the house will be torn down after they leave, so if that is indeed true, I won’t have to deal with crappy neighbors on that side for a verrrrrry long time.

    1. Mallory Janis Ian*

      OMG the relief when terrible neighbors leave. My horrible neighbors have cream gone for about ten years. The tree we planted in front of our dining room window to keep us from having to look at them is now screening out the sight of our lovely “new” neighbors. The old neighbor boys had a boxer dog that, one time, was all hunched up in their front yard while one of them stood in the open front door yelling, for all the neighborhood to hear, ” HOOOOOOCH!! Hurry up and SHIIIIIIIIT!!”

    2. Elkay*

      The relief when they go is immense. Ours were next door for maybe 3 years, couldn’t tell you who lives there now, it’s bliss.

    3. nep*

      Our neighbours from hell are across the street. One night around 10:30 there was a U-Haul out front. That hour was not odd for this house — we see the owner every once in a blue moon if we happen to get up at 2 or 3 a.m. and see the lights of his SUV in the driveway. The issue here is the house is basically uninhabited and we all think the owners are dealing drugs out of it. It looks like an abandoned house; it’s a horrible eye sore in an otherwise pleasant neighbourhood where people care about keeping up their grounds and houses. Anyway turns out they were putting things from the U-Haul *into* the garage. Ugh. I really got my hopes up when I saw that truck.
      Hope things work out well for you there, AvonLady. What a relief to be rid of bad neighbours.

  58. Sparkly Librarian*

    My grandfather’s recent death has stirred up a flurry on genealogical interest in me. I’d thought that I only cared about the last few generations (people I’ve known, and their parents), but there’s so much interconnected documentation available that I’ve gotten back to about 1780 in one line. I also got a load of stories from my parents that either I’d never heard before or hadn’t had enough life context to appreciate, so that was cool and helped me expand the family tree width-wise (partners and exes of my parents’ generation). Found a fun connection through Facebook, personal websites, and public records: my father’s first wife’s grandson just married a cousin of the wife of a guy who knew me in high school.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      That is cool stuff. It really can make ya more aware of how interconnected we are. I find genealogy fascinating.

  59. Mallory Janis Ian*

    What is that website where people post pictures and an overview of cats that they met out and about? My child met a cat and they want to add it to the website.

  60. Apollo Warbucks*

    I’m drunk, on s boat in the med And I don’t go back to work until mid October.

    Life’s pretty good

    3. Paul*

      I’m more jealous than I can express.

      I wanna be…really any two of those would be wonderful right now.

  61. The Other Dawn*

    I just made my very first batch of homemade salsa, and I’m having trouble determining what I might need to add or add more of. The recipe I found online called for garden or roma tomatoes (I used garden), garlic, onion, jalapeno, salt, cilantro and lime juice. I just pulsed it in the food processor and voila. It tastes good, and the heat is building as it sits, but I feel like it needs a little something. The salt, onion and cilantro really stand out. I’m thinking it might need a little sugar, but I’m not sure what that will do to it. Any suggestions?

    (BTW, it’s very satisfying to make a recipe using veggies–tomatoes and jalapenos–I grew all by myself!)

    1. JaneB*

      Sugar brings out the tomato flavour in a more rounded way against the acid – it’s great for less than perfectly ripe tomatoes for that – so might balance out the flavours you describe?

    2. Red*

      Why don’t you separate out a small portion of it, add the sugar, and see if you like it better? If you do, then add it to the whole batch.

    3. HannahS*

      Maybe more lime juice? I find that with a lot of bland food (like the pesto pasta/chickpea/artichoke salad I’m eating literally this second) a shot of acid wakes it up.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      I find that a lot of recipes that emphasize FRESHNESS or heat sometimes lack basic flavor. Pico doesn’t always taste as good as it looks, you know? tbh I’d probably just add bacon to it.

    5. Essie*

      Homemade salsa needs time to grow into its flavor. I would wait 24-36 hours and see what you think before tweaking the ingredients.

  62. Courtney*

    Is anyone else on here currently taking college courses? I need people to commiserate with about what will probably be my semester from hell. The good news is that it’s my last semester of classes! I’ll be student teaching in the winter and then I’ll have my degree and teaching certification. Already passed my state’s licensing tests and everything. The bad news is that I’m taking six classes and a practicum this semester to get it all done in time. While having a toddler and preschooler at home and a husband who is trying his best but works 60 hours a week. I know it will be more than worth it when I’m done, but right now it feels like I’m basically not going to get a chance to breathe from now until mid-December.

    So a more general question for everyone – any tips on self-care when your schedule is insanely busy?

    1. Temperance*

      I always advise to throw money at the problem. Can you afford a premade meal service? Can you afford housekeeping help, or childcare help?

      I don’t really have much about self-care because I don’t really practice it, but good luck.

      1. Courtney*

        We don’t have much money to throw at the problem right now because ugh, tuition. But the kids are in daycare and I included an extra few hours a week when I’m not in class so that I can just focus and get homework/studying done. So that should help!

      2. Courtney*

        We don’t have much money to throw at the problem right now because ugh, tuition. But the kids are in daycare and I included an extra few hours a week when I’m not in class so that I can just focus and get homework/studying done. So that should help!

        1. JaneB*

          Maybe decide what your minimum standards are and celebrate exceeding them – e.g. Everyone is alive and clean and fed might count. cereal or pbj for dinner for kids once a week or so won’t cause scurvy, frozen corn and jar sauce and pasta is just fine (if you’re the eat type who usually home makes sauce) etc. Let standards slip a little – it’s only a few months – and take any and all offers of help!

    2. Dr. Doll*

      Talk to your more human professors BEFORE you run into a crisis and ask if they would be willing to work with you regarding deadlines. Ask what parts of the course they deem as Must Do, Should Do, Nice to Do; can they give you guidance as to where to put your priorities? Identify the one class that you could take in winter if you absolutely had to find a place where something has to give.

      Don’t do this with the ones who would sniff “Your choices are not my problem.” Only do it with ones that you think are sympathetic to the fact that Life is Real. I know if a student came to me with this situation, I would think they were a little off their rocker because this schedule is nearly impossible, but I would also think they were serious and I would work with them to make sure they completed the coursework.

      Self care — I don’t know how you are going to do it. Stay hydrated? Keep healthy snacks in your purse? Don’t worry about how you or your house looks, as long as you’re healthy? That’s all I got, given the challenge you have set for yourself.

      1. Courtney*

        It is a pretty crazy schedule, but I feel confident that I can handle it. I took four classes in our summer semester, which is condensed to half time, so it was basically the work of 8 classes and I got all As for the first time ever! But somehow it felt easier having it all crammed into six weeks – having this situation for months is wearing me out more just thinking about it. But yes, I have talked with one of my profs and will keep in mind doing the same with others who seem reasonable!

    3. Julianne*

      Making time to exercise preserved my sanity during student teaching. I had to take a PE credit, so I chose yoga, but I also tried to go for a run or to the campus fitness center 2-3 days per week. Yoga was great because I found that the level of focus I needed to not topple over meant I was forced to let go of lingering thoughts over tomorrow’s math lesson or That One Kid.

      Good on you for getting your tests done already! I did the same thing, finishing them the semester before student teaching, and it was nice not to have that additional stress hanging over me.

    4. Red*

      I’m going to start 8 credit hours of college courses (in addition to my current full-time job) on Monday and I’m going to outsource what I can and let go of the things I can’t. It hurts no one if my house is a cluttered mess until the end of the semester. My husband and I won’t die if we just replace the shower curtain instead of trying to clean the darn thing. Just let go of little things so you can focus on the big ones.

    5. periwinkle*

      I am thankfully done with the coursework of my grad degree; the schedule during the research project will be much more flexible. But during the 2.5 years of being tied to an academic schedule…

      Take the time to relax. It’s tough to fit in, but you need that ME time to maintain some balance. Keep it simple, but do something for you and only you. A pedicure, perhaps.

      Freezer meals are your new best friend. Batch cook on the weekends and freeze in suitably sized portions. We ate a lot of stew and spaghetti. If you can’t cook ahead, plan your meals around things that require little attention during cooking time – roasts, braises, anything you can stick in the oven while you study.

      Don’t try to have a perfectly clean house. That doesn’t seem likely with two little ones anyway, but let your standards slip a little and don’t worry about it. Buy extra underwear if that gives you more time between laundry session!

      And if all else fails, grit your teeth and remember that it’s just a few months to endure with a great reward at the end. Good luck!

      1. Courtney*

        I’m laughing at the more underwear suggestion, but also thinking it’s probably something I should do because it’s good advice!

  63. Purple snowdrop*

    Soooo as I have mentioned I’m planning to leave my emotionally abusive spouse.

    My spouse has a friend who has a child. Said child has no contact with their mother; their father is… err… not the most emotionally literate person ever, and recently I’ve come to realise that he was emotionally abusive to his ex/the child’s mother too.

    I love this kid. They have problems but they are a good kid. But too young to maintain a relationship with me if I stop talking to their dad, and the dad is almost certain to take my spouse’s side. And I don’t really want to be friends with him any more for various reasons.

    I’m guessing that this is just going to be an indirect casualty of the divorce and there’s nothing to be done about it. I guess I’m looking for validation.

    It sucks to feel like I’m abandoning them.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      It’s a really hard situation but you have to get out.

      You could also make an anonymous report to the NSPCC.

      1. Purple snowdrop*

        I know. You’re right. It just sucks.

        I’m the only person in the child’s life that accepts that they love both parents. And child does have contact with their mother, I dunno why I said they didn’t! Prob doesn’t warrant reporting at this point but I’ll keep it in mind.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Please report it anyway. This is a voiceless child who lives with someone capable of abuse. You don’t need to do anything but tell the truth but please, pass on what you know.

          1. Purple snowdrop*

            Ok, I’ll have a think about what I know and how to report it (and to who). Would you go to the NSPCC over social services?

    3. caledonia*

      Other than what Ramona suggests, there’s nothing you can do as hard as that is. Sometimes there just isn’t a way to help. You couldn’t keep in touch even if this dad didn’t side with your spouse because that gives your spouse a link to you.

      1. Purple snowdrop*

        Yep. Exactly. No contact already isn’t possible because of our child, although I’m being the greyest of all grey rocks it’s possible to be without giving the game away too early. But staying in touch withFriend and Child would just give him an in. Make detaching even even harder.

        It’s so sad.

        I guess I never could save everyone.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          A harsh reality of life, I am afraid.
          Kind of a corny belief, but I think that when we fervently want the best for someone they eventually get it. Our wish goes out to the universe and the universe responds in time.
          Try to think that your wish for this child is not lost, even though you are not the one doing the rescuing.

    4. Purple snowdrop*

      Aaaargh. I wish there was a magical solution. I’m glad no one has said (so far!) wow no how cruel. poor kid.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      Don’t let your subconscious brain present reasons for why it might be wrong to leave your spouse. I feel for the child, but he/she has two parents already, and you can’t put an oxygen mask on anyone’s kid until you put your own oxygen mask on first. You can’t be your best for others until you take care of yourself and leave the abuse.

      1. Purple snowdrop*

        It’s hard because it’s not put my own mask on first, it’s put my own mask and and pray to TPTB that someone else puts a mask on the poor kid.

        I hope in some way they understand that I couldn’t accept the way I was being treated any more and that there’s a lesson in there somewhere for them.

    6. Observer*

      You don’t really have too many choices here. Perhaps you can keep track of Kid, and make contact in a few years if it seems useful. But you are NOT abandoning the kid. (I do feel bad for the child though, and I get why you feel that way.)

      1. Purple snowdrop*

        Yeah that had crossed my mind. Maybe I’ll be able to cross paths with them again in the future. Thank you. And thank you everyone.

  64. Gaia*

    So update on last week’s post about weight loss.

    I’m one week in and so far so good. I’ve walked at least 35 minutes every day (except for one rest day due to a painful knee) and I’m up to nearly 1 1/2 miles in that time. I’ve not had any soda, added or artificial sugar, no processed foods.

    I am going to talk to my doctor about lowering my dose of phentermine a bit, however, because I am concerned about my extreme lack of hunger. I’ve diligently tracked everything and I often have to force myself to eat (when not at all hungry) to break 1,000 calories a day. While I’m not terribly active (yet!) and it is all healthy, well thought out food, that is still worryingly low.

    On a positive note – I lost weight! I weighed in today at 318.6lbs (you’ll recall I started at 327.7). Obviously a lot of this is probably the initial shock to my body, proper hydration and lack of processed carbs but….yay!

    So far no terrible side effects from the medication. I am having really weird, very vivid dreams and my pulse is a bit higher than normal but both are expected and not too concerning.

    3. isolucy*

      Are you looking for strategies to eat more? If not, no pressure, skip the rest.

      I’m never hungry after I exercise, so I have a large meal before. Everyone says don’t do that, you’ll puke, but I’ve never had a problem. maybe see if that helps?

      If you’re having trouble pushing yourself to get enough calories try those grab and go smoothie things. I was on a medication that killed my appetite and I could choke down liquid calories easier than solid food. not a healthy long term eating strategy, but might help until you can see your doctor.

      1. Gaia*

        Thanks for the ideas. I’ve been trying to really avoid processed foods like the grab and go smoothies because they are full of added stuff (and, often, sugar) and I am working to overcome addiction to a lot of that crap. But I am considering upping my calories with homemade smoothies so that I can control the ingredients.

        I think part of this is just adjusting to a new normal and learning to eat at regular intervals even if I’m not “hungry.”

        1. Jules the First*

          Eating when you’re not hungry is hard (I have an illness which means I don’t recognise hunger signals…hmmm…and that just prompted me to look at the clock and realise that I’m about three hours overdue for a meal….better make this quick!).

          A couple of things that really help are having meals planned, so that you don’t spend time trying to figure out what you feel like eating, and committing to eating at specific times of the day or in relation to certain activities (for example, I have a cup of tea and a handful of nuts on my morning commute; I have lunch at 1.30, and it’s always packed in a specific container so I know that I have to finish the container no matter what…if I need more, I can have more, but less is not an option).

          1. Gaia*

            Hunger signals are definitely difficult for me. Even before this medication I have been known to think “oh gosh I’m a little hungry” and then get distracted and an entire day later realize I never ate..anything. Other times I’ll feel so hungry I feel sick.

            I think having meals ready will help. I cooked up a bunch of proteins for work lunches so I can just grab some veggies each day and go.

  65. Sarah in DC*

    I moved into a new place a few weeks ago, and the walk in closet has wire shelving in one of the corners that I have no idea how to use, as dumb as that sounds. Should I just pile stacks of sweaters and t-shirts on them? That seems like a recipe for a messy closet with stacks of clothes falling over. Bins to store clothes in? Give me your closet organization tips.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I had wire shelves in my closet. The weight of the pile of sweaters caused the bottom sweater to become embossed with the wire pattern. I ended up putting cardboard over the wires.
      If you do not need the space for clothes then you could store other things there. I end up with odd stuff in my closet, purses, photo albums, etc. This could be your place to put those sort of things.

    3. fposte*

      I would go for bins or, if you want to go low-budget, boxes, even shoeboxes. You can either place them with the opening facing out or cut out the front wall of the box (I leave the wall as a tab on some shelves so I can haul deeper boxes out).

    4. Okie not from Muskogee*

      I think I know what you’re talking about AND I HATE IT. Bins are the only thing I can think of. That stuff is in 2/4 bedroom closets in our new house. It was also in our laundry room and I ripped that mess out immediately. An alternative would be to go to your hardware store and get different pieces…if that makes sense. Those systems are modular, do you could probably replace the shelves with bars (for hanging clothes, I mean) for not that much money.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      I stack my slip dresses on shelves. Some of my dresses have thin knit straps that stretch out when I hang them so I need to keep them folded. Or how about jeans?

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      You can get heavy-duty plastic liner for the shelves to prevent the wire pattern from being pressed into the clothes on the bottom (like Not So New Reader explains). You can also get dividers that fit onto the shelves to divide them so piles don’t slip/fall over. For examples of both, check the Container Store website which has both shelf liner and dividers for their Elfa line of wire shelves (some of their products may work for your brand of shelves; check the product Q&A). They also have bins that are open in the front that are great for sweaters, etc. I’m a fan of bins myself.

  66. Gaia*

    And now on a slightly related, but different note:

    Folks who utilize birth control: help.

    Currently, I have a Nexplanon implant. My weight significantly increased (without diet or exercise change) after getting it two years ago. I love it because I don’t have to think about it and I haven’t had a period in two years. But my doctor wants me to consider getting it removed to see if it will help with my weight.

    I need a birth control that does a few things: 1. helps keep me from getting preggo 2. keeps me from having a period 3. does not cause acne or hair in places I don’t want it as I am prone to both

    I’m bad at taking pills. Honestly, the universe is on my side that I didn’t manage to get pregnant at some point during the years I was on the pill. Plus I’m a bit worried about the studies that link long term pill use to higher cancer rates. The shot will never happen due to my existing weight issues. So…IUD? Stick it out with the implant? What do ya’ll think?

    2. Red*

      I definitely recommend trying an IUD! I had Mirena and it was fantastic. I sadly had to give it up due to unrelated issues (other meds I needed to start interacted with hormonal contraceptives), but I would totally have one again if it was a possibility. It was absolutely perfect – no period, no side effects, no trouble.

      1. Kj*

        God, yes. My Mirena was great. It reduced my migraines, kept me from getting periods and made me feel fantastic. If we weren’t trying for a baby, I’d still have it. Seriously, my husband offered to get a vasectomy after we have a kid and I said, no, I’d rather get my IUD back (although if he wants one for himself, I won’t stop him. But I always plan to have an IUD.)

    3. Artyfact*

      A hormonal IUD didn’t completely eliminate my periods but they are much, much lighter and shorter (maybe one day a month, no cramps, not a lot of supplies needed). I would recommend it if that level of possible period is not a deal breaker.

    4. Come On Eileen*

      I’ve used the patch for the past few months and am now trying NuvaRing. I like both because I’m terrible at remembering to take a pill every day, and the patch only has to be replaced once a week and the ring once a month. I haven’t had ANY side effects with either, so can recommend both. If it helps, I’m 43 years of age.

    6. miyeritari*

      Also suggesting IUD. I have Mirena and it’s great. It seems like there’s a scale of how much less period you’ll have on mirena – some people have it stopping completely, some have normal periods. I got mine in December and my periods have been noticeable but lighter every month since – hoping they’ll stop entirely but that’s not guaranteed.

      You can try NuvaRing (only need to deal with it every 3rd week), but you’ll have regular periods in your off week, and while you can skip *some* periods, I believe it’s not recommended to skip them entirely.

      As a side note, I don’t know if those studies about how the pill leads to high cancer rate is ONLY related to the pill, or it’s associated with any hormone use — so there’d be similar concerns with any hormonal birth control. If that’s the case, you could consider the copper IUD, but I’m fairly sure you get your periods regularly with that.

      1. Effie, moving forward without self judgement*

        Yup, your period pain gets more intense with the copper IUD (been thinking about getting it myself). On the plus side, it’s good for 10 years.

      2. blackcat*

        Pill use is correlated with increased breast cancer risk, but the studies that show that generally don’t control for years spent breast feeding (which is known to significantly lower breast cancer risk). Since it makes sense that more years on pill -> fewer babies -> less time breast feeding, I take those with a grain of salt.

        Pill use is associated with a *lower* risk of ovarian cancer (mechanism seems to be fewer total ovulations -> lower ovarian cancer risk, so doesn’t matter pill vs other forms of hormones). Given that ovarian cancer is far more deadly than breast cancer, I think that’s a pretty fair trade off.

        1. Julia*

          Wasn’t there a study saying that pill users are just more likely to be diagnosed with cancer because they actually see a doctor more often? Like, women not on the pill might get cancer, too, but it doesn’t get found?

    8. Al Lo*

      IUD. Mirena here, no periods at all for the last 5 years. No noticeable weight gain or skin fluctuations, aside from normal 5-years-of-varying-degrees-of-healthy-eating-and-activity changes.

    9. Lilo*

      Everyone is different but: Nuvaring was seriously life changing for me. I did not have some of your issues on oral contraceptives but I had a lot of stomach issues/nausea. Switching to the ring made a HUGE difference for me. You can use Nuvaring to skip periods if you wish as well, according to my doctor.

  67. Marzipan*

    On the train home from seeing Hamlet in RADA’s teeny theatre. Directed by Kenneth Branagh. Tom Hiddleston as Hamlet. It was jolly good.

      1. Marzipan*

        It was modern dress but there was indeed a leather jacket for the duelling. (The duelling was really well done.)

        Did you happen to see Coriolanus at all? I saw it at the Donmar Warehouse but they did broadcast it to cinemas as well.

      2. Fake old Converse shoes*

        No, I don’t live in the UK and cinemas screenings are not a thing here. We got the Doctor Who Special because we annoyed the BBC, distributors and local cinema chains until they noticed us.

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Damn! I heard that was impossible to get tickets for any of the shows!

      I dont do much theatre because its just too close and personal for me, but just how close were you to the stage?

      1. Marzipan*

        It was done on a ballot – I was very lucky!

        We were in the stalls, which in this case were just chairs arranged around the performance space. So, really close. You had to make sure not to stick your feet out too far, or you’d risk tripping the actors up!

  68. Come On Eileen*

    Cat owners: how often do you vacuum? I used to vacuum once a week (if that, since I get lazy and tend to put it off). I started trying to be more consistent and also bumping it up to twice a week. But I’m realizing that with two cats, one with log hair, I might need to vacuum even more than that! This week I vacuumed Wednesday and then for fun again on Thursday, and was kind of appalled by how much hair there was in the container after just one day. So, how do you stay on top of this?

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Erm, once a month or so? But I’m lazy and only have a shortie…

      Maine Coone-owning friend has to do it minimum once a day.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I should say all of downstairs has no carpet, it’s just upstairs. I’m a slob, but not a complete slo- oh who am I kidding.

    3. FDCA In Canada*

      We have one short-haired cat, and my husband vacuums the hardwood three times a week and dry swiffers on the off days, then wet swiffers once a week (so usually MWF vacuum, TThSa dry swiffer, Sunday wet swiffer), and vacuums the carpeted basement once a week. We are self-described neat freaks, though, and our cat somehow has a talent for shedding hair eeeeeverywhere.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Well, I’m probably outside of the norm since I have 11 cats. I COULD vacuum everyday and it will need it; however, I’m of the mind that they’re just going to mess it up again tomorrow, so I tend to do it once a week. It’s just me and my husband and we don’t get company, so I’m OK with that. We’re getting ready to rip up the carpets, though, so then all the cat hair will float around and catch in the corners. At least with carpeting I can vacuum and it looks like I cleaned top to bottom. But then I have the cat puke issue to deal with, since they never do it on the kitchen or bathroom floors. With the carpeting gone, the floor will usually look clean without sweeping and it will be easy to clean up any cat messes, but then the cat hair will float much more.

    6. Al Lo*

      Daily, but with a Roomba, so we set it to run on a schedule. I dig out the Dyson stick vac when needed to get weird corners and stuff when I notice a need.

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      We’ve got hardwood and two floors which makes it a pain to haul the vacuum around.

      I do a hard core total house vacuum once every three weeks to get all the tumblefur blowing about, and I may do a floor at a time in between when the broom can’t handle it anymore. Usually I sweep the steps at least and around their food tray and the litter tray on a daily basis. I will agree though, its CRAZY how much litter/fur/stuff is on the stairs and by the backdoor. I swept last night while waiting for dinner to microwave, but I can guarantee you there will be plenty on there yet tonight.

    8. KR*

      I have a short haired cat but I have a dog who sheds like crazy. I don’t vaccum more than once every week or two weeks, or unless people are coming over. I’m too lazy and everyone who knows me knows I have a dog and he’s the best and he’s constantly shedding.

  69. A non moose [for this]*

    I joined Toastmasters to help me get over being anxious of speaking in public. Someone complimented me and said my speaking was good and well thought out. But now I found out her boss [who also attends] spoke to her and gave her a reprimand for what she said to me because he thought it was not appropriate. For context I am black, the son/nephew/grandson of Jamaican immigrants. The person who gave me the compliment immigrated here when she started college from a country that doesn’t have the same baggage as we do when it comes to race, and English is her second language. I honestly don’t believe there was any ill intent with what she said and she was paying a genuine compliment. She has admitted in the past she is self conscious about her accent and her English. I understand the lines her boss is thinking along but given her background I don’t think it applies in my case because I don’t think she meant it the way he is thinking. Should I say something to her boss or is it non of business because I don’t work there?

    [If this is too controversial or anything for the weekend thread please feel free to delete it.]

    [

      1. A non moose [for this]*

        He told me he was horrified when he heard her say it to me and had made sure she knew it was not an appropriate thing to say.

    2. HannahS*

      I think you can, if you feel motivated to. I don’t think the fact that you don’t work with them really matters. It wasn’t a workplace function; they were there as “two people who know each other through work” not “a boss and her underling.” And regardless, it’s good for the boss to understand that the way he should behave with regards to race is not the way everyone needs to, and that perhaps not everyone appreciates his intervention.

      I’ve almost made that mistake with my dad, because he’ll sometimes ask people with accents where they’re from. For me, that’s Not Done. But he’s a brownish guy with an accent. To other people with accents, he’s a fellow immigrant making conversation, and it nearly always results in “Ah, the children these days, it was different when I was growing up” commiseration. So I don’t tell him not to, because when he has those conversations he’s not occupying the same social space that I (pale, no accent) would be in.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Yep, immigrant here, and I react differently if someone with a non-British accent asks me where I am from. If a Brit asks me where I am from first thing upon meeting me, I feel like a curio, alienated. If another foreigner asks, I feel more of a camaraderie because hey, we are in the same boat.

        1. HannahS*

          Totally. And it seems like this is something that the boss in this situation wouldn’t grasp–that people from different groups carry different baggage.

        2. Tau*

          I’ve actually just moved back to my home country after over a decade in the UK and the sudden lack of foreigner camaraderie is so hard to get used to. Mental monologue: “Hi fellow foreigner! It’s so great to see others, let’s bond over being foreigners in a strange la… oh. Right.”

          (I’m also prone to answering questions about where I’m from with “Germany!” and only realising after the fact that this no longer constitutes a helpful response.)

          1. Tau*

            Which is to say that I 100% agree, and now I have to catch myself before I ask people where they’re from because I am no longer in the same position as I was in the UK.

          2. Cristina in England*

            I know it’s late for this thread, but I am curious if you are having reverse culture shock living back in your home country after being away. I don’t know how well I would cope being back in the US after more than a decade away!

            1. Tau*

              I am, a bit. It’s not as bad (yet) as I was afraid it would be, but I definitely get thrown by little things like shops being closed on Sundays or needing to install curtains in my rental flat or the like. And then kick myself because I should remember this! Then again, it’s not pure culture shock because there are things I missed mixed in, like certain foods I couldn’t get in the UK or no longer being the only one cycling or the like. It takes getting used to… I think it helps that my job is a very international environment and generally in English, which means that part of it is an easier transition than it would be otherwise. (Although when everyone around me is a foreigner I get *really* confused by no longer being one myself, ha.)

    3. Willow Suns*

      As someone who does TM, a lot of people do it because they are naturally shy & need to learn how to deal with people. I am one of those naturally shy people. Some do it to get better at English. I would defintely chalk it up to her being from a different culture. I would say it might not hurt to say something to her boss, but you can also talk to her (or have her mentor do so) & advise her to keep her feedback within meetings only.

      Does her boss attend the meetings, or did he overhear her in a hallway or something?

  70. Ramona Flowers*

    What are your oh-so-petty but oh-so-infuriating pet peeves in TV shows or films (Partly inspired by a similar question about office pet peeves over on the Friday open thread, and also by Person of Interest as per the below.)

    I am very, very annoyed by two particular kinds of sounds. Firstly, what you might call Obvious Imitation Breakfast Sounds. Clinky clinky, scrapey scrapey. It’s meant to be spoons on bowls. But then they don’t put the spoons in their mouths nearly enough, and it’s so obviously just a random cacophony of non-eating.

    Secondly, Obvious Imitation Computer Sounds. I am watching the first series of Person of Interest and this is seriously driving me round the bend. I can cope with the far-fetched storylines and the ridiculous things they get away with. I can even turn a blind eye to the amount of nonsense computer stuff. But the sound effects are doing my head in. Like search results that beep when they appear on screen. Or – and this is what’s really aggravating me – what are meant to be typing sounds, but they’re actually too soft and sort of… incomplete to be someone hitting a key hard enough for it to register. Maybe it’s because I’ve been using computers for over 25 years, maybe it’s because I’m a musician, but the unsatisfying sound of someone half-pressing but not actually pushing the keys is just so obvious to me. I know what typing sounds like and damn it, this isn’t it. They are meant to be typing so they should sound like they are.

    It’s just me that cares, isn’t it?! (If anyone wants to see what I mean, try series 1 episode 6, The Fix, about 28 minutes in.)

    1. CatCat*

      People on TV never seem to say “Good-bye” when they are ending a phone call. They just hang up the phone without any kind of normal end to the call.

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        “Shall we go out tonight?”
        “Yes, see you there!”
        Click.

        Where? When? Are they all telepathic?!

      3. kc89*

        I always hated that because I was like “who does that?” but after working a job where my main responsibility is answering the phone I can confirm that many many people do indeed just hang up.

      4. Someone else*

        I know enough people who do this in real life that it doesn’t strike me as an “only TV” thing. That said, in real life, the call is clearly over. It’s just skipping the “bye” itself. It’s not abrupt.

    2. periwinkle*

      What kind of parking magic do TV/film characters possess that enable them to get a parking space – with no other cars around, no warning signs, no meters, no piles of trash – right in front of the busy downtown court house/office building/restaurant/etc during the middle of a busy workday? And they never wait in line or wait to be seated or wait for anything at all.

      I wish a fictional character would drive me to Costco on a Saturday afternoon.

        1. the gold digger*

          Yeah, The Mentalist! You don’t drive from Austin to El Paso, spend a few hours solving a crime, and then drive back to Austin in the same day. Nor do you throw in a trip to Amarillo.

    3. HannahS*

      I cannot STAND how impractical female character hairstyles are. You’re at the gym, but your hair is down in perfect soft curls? You’re working in a lab? You’re working in a hospital? Put your hair up!

      I also hate when characters’ singing doesn’t match their breathing. I know they pre-record, and I actually don’t have any problem with that, but if the breath they took was clearly not enough to get through that phrase, it just ruins the suspension of disbelief. Julie Andrews’ breathing always matches perfectly, likely because she started in theatre where she was actually singing, dancing, and acting at the same time.

        1. HannahS*

          So true. I notice it most with guitar. Really, your hand stays still on the guitar neck the entire song?!

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      Fight scenes where women have their hair down. I get that it’s to help conceal the stunt double’s features but seriously? I need to put my hair up for everything that doesn’t include lying down. How can you fight outside on windy days with your hair in your face? Or fight in general with hair in your face? There’s a reason why boxers tie their hair back when they fight.

    5. Imogen*

      Contrived ways that people ‘find out’ secrets (this might be exclusive to soap operas lol).

      Like…people who have dodgy dealings or have something to hide, why would you leave your phone settings so that it shows messages in the lockscreen? And then leave your phone out where anyone can look at it? Or people reading super!sensitive! mail (or emails) in public (cafes, or at the kitchen counter even) instead of in their room or something.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        And there is also the way things DON’T get found out because person A interrupts person B before they say the thing or there’s a hilarious misunderstanding.

        1. Imogen*

          Ugh yes! Or when the person that the secret affects is all “no, don’t tell me! I want to keep some mystery in the relationship!”…even though the other person makes it obvious it’s something important.

          (And of course later the person who didn’t want to know the secret is angry that the other person didn’t tell them. Ugh.)

    6. AnonAndOn*

      Extras who never respond to what’s going on in the foreground. I realize that due to contract issues the extras are limited in what they do on screen, but I can’t stand it when the main characters are doing something loud and eye catching and the people in the background don’t stop to look or react.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        This right here is what drove me nuts in John Wick: Chapter 2. In the scene where John and Cassain are on a subway fighting with a knife, flipping each other over, punching each other, and the people in the background don’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary. I mean, I know it’s a movie, but c’mon!

        1. AnonAndOn*

          I looked up that clip on YouTube so I could get a visual of that. Worst reactions ever. The ones on the train ran off at the next exit when the knife fight was over, but during the scene none of them looked fearful for their lives.

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        Phoebe Buffay totally called it on this one. “Drake Ramoray and I work at the same hospital, wouldn’t I come and say hi?”

    7. Paige*

      This probably crosses over to the Friday threads a little bit, but…how easy it is for characters to get a job. No need for experience or qualifications or education or whatever, so long as you have the ‘passion’ and ‘believe in yourself’, that dream job is all yours!

      1. AnonAndOn*

        Or to get it back if they were fired from the job. And unemployment is always “funemployment” to them.

    8. fposte*

      It’s not really a pet peeve, but I’m amused by conventions that exist because of continuity efficiency. Wrapped presents are my favorite–the bottom and top are wrapped separately, so that the actor can take the top off to open the gift rather than ripping open the wrapping.

      2. Cristina in England*

        When I was a kid I thought that was the most amazing way to wrap presents and I am sure one year I begged my parents to wrap mine that way.

      3. Ramona Flowers*

        Speaking of continuity, my husband spotted that when Mitchell the vampire gives Lucy a goldfish in Being Human UK you can totally see his reflection in the bowl.

      4. JKP*

        I totally wrap all my presents that way in real life. Then if you save the wrapped boxes, you just keep re-using them each year.

        1. AnonAndOn*

          They just arrived at the restaurant, just got their meal, but two seconds later they’re full and ready to go. I always wished that the prop handlers would give the illusion of a finished meal by setting up nearly cleaned plates instead of ones with a full meal barely touched.

          The short lived “Happily Divorced” got this right. A character got mad at her daughter (played by Renee Taylor and Cyndi Lauper, respectively) in the restaurant and was about to storm off. She said, “You can take this food and shove it…in a to-go box!”

    10. kc89*

      my mom had one that rubbed off onto me, tv shows always have giant bowls of fruit in the kitchen. Even if it’s a one or two person household. Nobody is going to finish all of that fruit!

    11. Cruciatus*

      Grocery bags with a baguette and leafy greens sticking out of the bag. Totally clean, shiny cars. Gun fights where they have to talk about why they are going to kill person instead of just killing them (and this during that time of explaining the good guy figures out a way out, or others finally arrive to help).

    13. EvilQueenRegina*

      Scenes in US high schools where the kids walk in, seem to be in class for literally two minutes and then the class is over.

      Excessive focus on the same characters at the expense of others, like Lost where Jack got lots of centric episodes and Libby and Charlotte got next to nothing.

      2. AnonAndOn*

        Regarding school: When the main cast has all their classes together. When the “teens” are played by people in their 20s and 30s. And the showrunners tend to forget that the characters are supposed to be teenagers because the characters have freedoms more in line with people of their actors’ ages (staying out all night without a curfew, dating people their parents’ ages, barely any adult supervision).

      3. New Bee*

        And when the bell rings, the teachers are always surprised or mid-lesson. They don’t know how long the period is?

    14. Bryce*

      I count bullets. Haven’t a clue about the size of actual gun clips or anything but if a guy fires off forty from a handgun before reloading that seems a bit excessive. Either accept that you’re in infinite clip bulletspace, or reload at appropriate times.

      1. OhBehave*

        How about the fact that they can’t shoot worth snit? You are a cop. You should be better at this than most people.

    15. Not So NewReader*

      Growing up, my parents would constantly comment about the doorbell being right next to the microphone. I never heard a real life doorbell be that loud.

      I used to marvel at General Hospital where one character had a new set of dishes every week. For some reason she would have scenes at her dining table and the dishes were never the same from week to week.

      One thing that rankled me, was on the show One Day at a Time. Here they are supposed to be “just folks making their way though life” and not have a lot of money. I knew I could not afford the clothes they were wearing and I wondered how the actresses reconciled that in their minds.

    16. SophieChotek*

      As discussed before – the huge apartments all these people have in cities like NYC or London or LA or Chicago or DC. I don’t live in any of those cities, but my understanding is the COL is pretty high and most of the people that own these huge apartments are anything from starting off in career to mid-career, but never super-rich.

    17. SophieChotek*

      Female detectives wearing impractical shoes as they chase suspects around…(or impractical clothing in general, like Dr. Maura Isles, though to be fair, they seem to sort of know that and poke fun at it throughout the show).

      1. Julia*

        But Maura’s job is technically just at the lab, and she shouldn’t need to be running after or from suspects.
        Which leads me to, TV cops going somewhere dangerous alone and without backup.

    18. Sparkly Librarian*

      Scenes where the character wakes up (usually in someone else’s bed) after a (often unanticipated) night of passion, often unaware of their surroundings… and they have underwear on! It’s a mystery to me: did they get dressed after sex but decide not to go home? Sleep-dress while up to use the bathroom? Make passionate love without removing the last layer of clothing?

    19. SophieChotek*

      I’ve been watching Father Brown and some other English-style mysteries often set in small(er) village. (Dr. Blake is set in Ballarat, Austalia).

      If it’s a small(er) town where “everyone knows everyone” how can there always be so many suspects/red herrings? And at the rate people are getting killed (1 a week) the crime rate is pretty bad for these small towns, but no one seems too concerned about that.

      And then sometimes the local doctor, local teacher, vicar, etc. is somehow prominently featured in an episode…but then you never see them again. It feels like if, in theory, it’s a small town, you’d see them milling around in background scenes or popping up in later episodes, but they rarely do. (I get why – often get bigger names for guest star roles for 1 episode, but it bothers my sense of continuity that I never see that local doctor, etc. ever again in the supposedly small town, when “everyone” comes to the church bazaar, etc.)

    20. TreeGeek*

      This might be a nit-picky, industry-specific pet peeve (MY industry, that is) but I have seen more than a few cop/forensic shows where an important clue has to do with a specific type of plant material, but what they say it is in the show has no relation to the plant shown on the screen. One of the versions of CSI did this…it was SO important that the pollen taken from the suspect’s clothing was from an Eastern White Pine, it put him at the scene, yadda yadda yadda – except that the tree they kept showing was a juniper! Not even remotely alike!

      Also, criminals who never, ever “lawyer up”. The characters go through the whole show tracking down the bad guy and their case is, quite frankly, built on circumstantial evidence that any halfway educated defense attorney would shred, but the criminal is just so happy to fold and confess to the crime. You know how many episodes would end with the person walking away free if they had just kept their mouth shut and called a lawyer?

      1. JKP*

        As to your second point, to be fair, most criminals in real life are far from masterminds. A friend who worked as a defense attorney was always frustrated by clients who did the same thing, so that might be more true to life than you think.

    21. Dr. KMnO4*

      Totally incorrect information about medical conditions – on the Blacklist there was a terrible episode with diabetes. 1. The girl’s insulin pump buzzed and the mom looked at it and told her to go eat some nuts. Um, if her sugar was low NUTS are not the answer, she’d need juice or fruit. If her sugar was high she’d need water and more insulin. Not NUTS! 2. The girl is kidnapped by her dad and they track her with her insulin pump. Insulin pumps don’t have GPS trackers!

      It also bothers me when people are playing string instruments and the bow motion doesn’t match up with the sound. Sherlock on BBC did that and I couldn’t even watch, it was like nails on a chalkboard.

    22. Elizabeth West*

      Quora has a bunch of threads like this, haha. I spent over an hour one night reading through them.

      Some of my pet peeves:
      –Character catches a plane at the last minute and two seconds after he sits down, it takes off. IRL this could never happen. Even if they let you on the plane you’d be in the damn runway queue for another thirty minutes at LEAST.

      –Women with no armpit hair in a post-apocalyptic setting. If I were searching for food and shelter and being chased by zombies, shaving would be the last thing on my mind.

      –Contemporary hair or obvious modern makeup in a period piece. This does not apply to fantasy unless it breaks continuity somehow.

      –The Bone Collector had the worst police procedures, probably for dramatic effect but still. Maybe my irritation stemmed from taking patrol and forensics classes shortly before I saw it, but GAH.
      1. He sends the rookie into the sewer ALONE. No waiting for backup; just scoot on in there!
      2. Corpse is handcuffed with arms around a steam pipe and he tells the rookie to take her off the pipe. NO. You touch NOTHING. Secure the perimeter. Wait for the M.E. and the crime scene team. She’s dead; waiting won’t hurt her.
      3. This one had me screaming at the TV. To get her off the pipe he says, “You have to cut off her hands.” OMG NO.
      a. You do not touch anything.
      b. They would cut the handcuff chain with a bolt cutter, not cut the hands off. The only time that ever happens is when they have to send hands to the FBI lab for special ID processes, and the pathologist would do that at autopsy.

      TBF, I know of some pretty boneheaded real-life forensic f*ck-ups, like the failure to get a blood drop sample off Nicole Brown Simpson’s back before they flipped her over and obliterated them forever (grrrr), but watching this movie was like chewing tinfoil.

      1. Gaia*

        Sort of part of point 3: I hate when period pieces have women wearing clothing they would have never worn. Not that it was high quality TV to begin with, but Reign was horrible with this. Not a single dress was realistic. Or in some period pieces where a woman wears literally the same dress over several episodes that are supposed to take place across months. Am I expected to believe a queen has only one dress?

    23. Tris Prior*

      Geographical inconsistencies in shows that are filmed in Chicago, where I live, drive me insane. I actually yelled at the TV, during an episode of “ER”, “Oh my god, y0u live in the middle of the lake!” (A character had said their address out loud. Chicago’s built on a grid system with logical numbering; in my defense, that address WOULD have been in the middle of Lake Michigan….) See also: In “When Harry Met Sally,” when they’re driving away from the U of Chicago (south side) but suddenly are on Lake Shore Drive (north side).

      Also, when a character’s in a bar and orders a beer, it’s always “I’ll have a beer.” No brand. Just generic “beer.”

      1. Bryce*

        One episode of Leverage was filmed at my old college campus and it was so distracting. “Wait, this guy broke out of the prison cells under the psych building and made it all the way across campus to a frat party in ODB without anyone seeing him? And then they dumped the body in a river that’s about a foot deep and involved dragging him halfway across campus again? You’d have to go right by the cafeteria or the coffee shop, there’s ALWAYS people there!”

        1. AnonAndOn*

          “Happy Days” was bad in its later years in terms of period styles. I saw too many late ’70s and early ’80s hairdos in its later years.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Yeah, I think they just stopped trying after a while.

            Trivia: Did you know that Happy Days is the origin of the phrase “jumped the shark?” It refers to the moment when a show crosses the line into utter stupidity and begins a downward slide. The phrase comes from the episode where they went to California so Richie could have a screen test and Fonzie jumped over a shark on water skis.

            1. AnonAndOn*

              Trivia: Did you know that Happy Days is the origin of the phrase “jumped the shark?”

              Yup! I knew about that. I agree with you that the show stopped trying. It got too silly near the end.

    24. The Automotive Expert*

      Something that really bugged me was on a soap where they showed a car (a red Porsche 356 coupe) driving fast along a narrow and twisty two-lane highway through a narrow canyon. Naturally the car drives over a cliff. (This was apparently some footage they bought from somewhere else.) Then a close-up of the driver in the wrecked car with his head resting against the steering wheel. The camera pulls back and it is a completely different car (a red Ford Mustang hardtop coupe with its hood missing so you could see the engine.) I suppose most people wouldn’t notice, but it bugs me, especially because Porsches have their engines in the back while Mustangs have them in the front.

      Being the Automotive Expert I also frequently notice in tv shows or movies that are set in a particular period of time, when newer cars show up in the scenes. (Like some of the cars at the beginning of the movie, “Hidden Figures,” which was supposed to be set in 1961 and there were quite a few cars from later years in the scenes, most noticeably the 1964 Ford police car at the beginning of the movie.)

      Also notice how frequently cars on tv will not have any windshield, or any other windows. There frequently do not have headrests either.

      1. the gold digger*

        Oh, man! Primo does this! We’ll be watching something set in 19XX and he will say, “But that car wasn’t made until 19XX + ten years!” I tell him to breathe deeply and to let it go.

    25. AnonAndOn*

      I’ve got more. Actors whose accents don’t match where the characters are supposed to be from. Women who have full facial makeup on when they’re going to bed. An actor putting the finishing touch on a drawing or a painting instead of showing the character working on that drawing or painting. Characters who don’t lock the door behind themselves, especially when the annoying neighbor or relative barges in when he or she pleases. Nothing is done to keep said annoying character from coming in whenever.

    26. Annie Mouse*

      Oooh, let’s see…
      Not wearing gloves at crime scenes is a big pet peeve of mine!
      And not wearing gloves when dealing with large amounts of bodily fluids. That makes me go ewww. I know there’s been a few occasions where I’ve been caught by surprise with the amount of blood or whatever, but that’s why you learn very quickly to stock your pockets with gloves! (And the clean ones you find in your pocket at the end of the week are handy for emptying the litter box!!)

      Ridiculous medical outcomes as well. Shocking a patient with a flat line ECG (asystole). It doesn’t work!! Defibs stop an erratically firing heart to give it a chance to fire properly. A flat line is already stopped! I know people who were written up for doing that and yet they do it all the time on tv with fantastic results.

      Sorry… I think there’s a theme there!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Can you expand on the part about shocking a flat liner doesn’t work?
        My father flat lined. I watched them bring the paddles and it was AWFUL. This is a very, very violent thing. But it must be that he was not flat lining. Perhaps his heart was very irregular?

        1. Mimmy*

          I’m curious about this as well. I see it all the time on medical dramas.

          NSNR – I’m so sorry you had to witness that :(

        2. Annie Mouse*

          I’m so sorry you went through that NSNR, it’s a horrible process. And sorry I’ve inadvertently brought it up again.
          But, in answer to your question… Basically the heart is controlled by electrical activity, and in a healthy heart, that originates from a point called the SA node. In some cases, the electrical activity starts coming from other places, where it isn’t supposed to. A defibrillator stops this electrical activity which gives the heart’s normal activity a chance to kick back in. Some of the electrical rhythms that this produces can be very fine and look a lot like asystole (the technical term for a flat line) and these rhythms are shockable. In asystole, the heart has already stopped beating and so shocking the patient won’t have the same effect and will interrupt cpr and other efforts that are being carried out and which may have a chance of causing the heart to go into a shockable rhythm.
          Have I explained that ok?

          1. Not So NewReader*

            No worries, Annie. I am glad you mentioned it, as a matter of fact, because I have always wondered about this stuff. I am actually at peace with it now, because I do realize it was a moment and it was not the sum total of his life but just a part of his story. But there is no way in hell I would want that done for me, holy crap.

            Yes, you explained it very well. So if a monitor shows a flat line they look at other things and decide how to proceed. They told me he had died but then he came back. He kept going into v-tac. He died five times over a two week period. At this time, DNRs were just coming into being. I signed. Odd thing happened next, he did not go into v-tac for two weeks straight. Does this make sense to you?

            I have another question if it is okay. If an EMT decides to use drugs to restart the heart not paddles, what causes them to make that decision? Is this what you were talking about with the effort to cause a shockable rhythm?

            1. Annie Mouse*

              Sorry, I’ve just spotted your reply.
              I’m glad it’s helped explain stuff a little.

              The v-tac and DNR and then not going into v-tac kind of makes sense but I’m not entirely sure why. I should say, I’ve got several years experience in EMS but my training has never included a huge amount in terms of cardiac systems, just the basic life support stuff we need to know, and then things I’ve picked up on the road. I’m back to being a student again now so will hopefully be learning more about it in a few weeks.

              But I can answer your second question somewhat! In the area of the UK I work in (so I don’t know about US protocols) drugs such as adrenaline (epinepherine) are used as standard in cardiac arrest patients although there’s a big trial going at the moment looking at whether or not that is the best thing to do. I expect drugs have worked to get what we call ‘Return of Spontaneous Circulation’ (or ROSC) in someone without the extra things that are normally done, but they generally are used along with good compressions to get a shockable rhythm back, and then a defibrillator to get the heart back into a normal rhythm.
              There’s not really much research to say that adrenaline does improve ROSC rates, and some evidence to suggest that it may reduce the chance of long-term survival in those patients so that’s what the trial is looking at at the moment.

              Hope that helps, let me know if there’s anything else you want me to ask :)

    27. Ange*

      Doctors doing their own MRI/ CT scans. X-rays that are the wrong way round or of a different body part. People who are shown in a CT scanner but their images are from an MRI. MRI scanners where the magnet “comes on” when they start imaging – it’s a superconducting magnet not an electromagnet, it’s always on! People scrubbing for surgery who scrub and then put their masks/hat on – uh, no. Just no.

      At least the old “hold the x-rays up to the light” convention is pretty much gone now. That used to really drive me nuts.

    28. Ramona Flowers*

      I would also like to know why nobody on Spooks seems to have a way of conveying that they have been kidnapped when they are forced to make phone calls and pretend all is okay. You would have a code phrase, SURELY.

    30. Victoria, Please*

      Not a fictional show, but it makes me crazy on Chopped how few people tie their hair back or have on a proper scarf or hat. Especially Chopped Celebrity, it’s like looking cutey poo is more important than not getting hair in the food.

    31. Kelli Too*

      I have an eagle eye for continuity problems, maybe because I’m an editor IRL. I know re-shoots can make things confusing, but it’s crazy frustrating to see a character suddenly have a very different pair of shoes on after a cutaway, or see their ponytail move from one shoulder to another. I also remember things like claims in season 2 that Bob’s birthday was in June, but in season 4 they’re throwing him a surprise party in April.

      I try to keep my mouth shut when I watch TV/movies with others, since I’d told that this sort of thing is generally annoying.

    32. Fake old Converse shoes*

      Lack of research when it comes to locations outside U.S. X-Men First Class scenes in Bariloche are so disastrous that I can’t watch that movie anymore. Not only they mixed up Bariloche (mountains) with Villa Gesell (seaside), but the “locals” spoke with a strong Mexican accent! And a tv series depicted Buenos Aires like a Caribbean city with lots of palm trees and, if I’m not mistaken, people wearing Hawaiian shirts. *facepalm*

    33. Call Me Crazy*

      I loved the actors in Cold Case, but those in charge of details really needed to be replaced…every episode has it’s issues, but the one that got me was a note found in a locket, from perhaps 40 years before.

      1.) The paper was a full size sheet (8″1/2 x 11″, or so)…would never had fit in a locket.

      2.) No fold lines

      3.) Pure white…should have been yellowed.

      4.) When note was being “read”, held up to the light in a way that revealed the paper was blank.

      I’m a former proofreader, and should never have been allowed to watch that show. Bwahaha

    34. Chaordic One*

      I always wonder about all the people on TV who come down with amnesia. I also wonder about all the many people who seem to suffer from multiple personality disorder. I’m middle-aged and I’ve never run into anyone who had these problems in real life.

      1. Someone else*

        I knew someone who had amnesia once, after a head injury from an assault. It wasn’t anywhere near like what’s usually presented on TV though. He couldn’t remember his name, or his address, but he did know where he lived. He just couldn’t come up with the street name or number, but when he was taken home, he knew it was his house, knew which room was his, etc.. He recognized his parents and siblings, but also couldn’t come up with their names and had to be told. He couldn’t remember anything that happened during the week before. So he didn’t remember being attacked (there were many witnesses so it was OK that he effectively wasn’t one). It was very scary from the outside. I can’t imagine how horrible it was for him. As far as I know, he never did remember anything that happened during those days. It was like it was just completely deleted from his brain.

  71. Foreign Octopus*

    So I’ve been having fierce problems with noisy neighbours this week.

    They’ve always been loud but it was never so consistent as it has been this week. They play their TV at a volume that could be heard over a rocket launch and there’s no way to hide from it as my flat is quite small. Even with fresh ear plugs in, I can hear the noise. It’s been awful. I’ve been exhausted all week, not helped by the fact that I work mornings now. In the past, I could ignore the occasional night when the TV was on until 2 or 3am because I worked in the evenings but one night these week, they had it on until 6am in the morning.

    It was amazing I was able to remember my own name let alone do my work.

    I eventually bit the bullet and spoke to them via a non-anonymous note (I didn’t want to have this conversation in Spanish when I was so tired because I get grumpy and frustrated when I can’t make myself understood in the language). I asked them to be aware of the noise and to keep it down after midnight and, so far, they’ve been very good at doing so.

    However, I’m not filled with anxiety between the hours of 10-12pm when their TV is blaring and I’m wondering whether or not they’ll remember to turn it down.

    I don’t understand why they need it so loud in the first place. Or why they would keep it so loud before midnight and then turn it down. Just keep the volume at the post-midnight level!

    I should mention that noise is one of my biggest annoyances. I would move flats if I have the money but I don’t and I actually like where I live at the moment.

    If it starts up again, I’ll go to the landlord but it’s just so frustrating.

    1. AnonAndOn*

      I hope things turn out in your favor in the end. I cannot stand loud neighbors. I can’t think of one apartment I’ve lived in that doesn’t have them. I don’t understand people’s need to be loud.

    2. Nicole*

      I sympathize – loud people are the worst. I’ve noticed that as the night goes on I tend to turn the volume down on my TV. I think my ears get fatigued.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Do not do this. But I have a funny story. My husband was a geeky guy. On one of his work trips he had a noisy tv neighbor in the next room over from him. My husband wanted to sleep. So on the second night of noise, he did something to scramble his neighbor’s tv reception. When the volume went down the picture cleared up, when the volume went up the picture became scrambled again. He said it did not take long and the neighbor learned if he wanted to see the picture on the screen he had to turn the volume down. My husband got his sleep.

      Again, don’t do this. But it’s a pressure relief valve to think about it.

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Dammit, now I’m going to be trying to figure out how he did that! If it was a work trip, I’m assuming he stayed in a hotel, where there is cable, but that seems impossible to interfere with….but if it was long enough ago that the TVs used antennas, does he carry around an RF transmitter for his work??

        Argh! :D

      3. Foreign Octopus*

        You say don’t do this, but I say can your husband teach me how to do this?

        He is a hero among men.

      4. Not So NewReader*

        I don’t know how he did it. He did explain it to me and he might as well been talking in a foreign language.
        I remember thinking it was actually relatively simple. He was in a motel. So that means he just used the basic repair tools in his tool kit.
        But this was back in the day of analog tv signals. The rooms probably had common wiring.
        He did a similar thing when he was 8 or 9. His elderly grandmother would play her radio too loud so he scrambled her radio signal when she kept turning the volume up. She learned the radio only worked if she keep the volume moderate.

        Whatever it is, it’s not that hard. Maybe google will provide some answers?

    4. Lulubell*

      This is one of my biggest pet peeves when I go to visit my mom, who a.) insists on sleeping with the TV on all night and b.) has hearing loss so keeps the volume so high. I finally went out and got a $20 box fan to drown out the noise. That, paired with earplugs, has solved the problem. When it’s too cold for the fan I just turn it around so it’s not facing me, but I still get the benefit of the white noise. I wish I had done this years ago. :)

  72. Hey, Marcela*

    Thinking about you. Hope your travels have gone well and that you’re feeling more settled on the other side of this country. Fall there is gorgeous, if you haven’t spent the season there before it should be a nice treat.

    Belle di Vedremo

    2. Ruffingit*

      Hey Ramona, you’re very sweet to check in on me! Got the best/worst post up today. Was a crazy morning, but this afternoon I finally got to sit down and chill with AAM :)

  74. Cristina in England*

    For people with kids who live far away from family: how did you decide who to appoint as legal guardians in your wills?

    We don’t have any family nearby, and the family we would trust with our kids live across an ocean. We have only lived in this city for four years. We have friends here, but they all have at least two kids the same ages themselves (all met through preschool, etc). My best friend lives at the other end of the country and has chronic health issues that have really increased in severity recently. My husband’s best friend is at the other end of the country and has the resources to provide for two extra kids, plus his wife is a teacher and adores children. They are probably our best bet but still, it is the other end of the country, which is not great.

    I read an article by someone who had noted in their will that a committee of family and friends should jointly decide where their kids would live if they both died (UK-based, which is where I am). Is that crazy? How do I decide?
    (It’s late here so I am off to bed soon, but I can participate in comments tomorrow morning if I go to sleep before anyone replies, thanks in advance)

    1. Elkay*

      We would have ended up at the other end of the country if anything had happened to my parents. I think you just pick the best person/people regardless of location. To be honest if anything happens to their parents kids are going to have their lives turned upside down so surely it’s better for them to be with the right people wherever that is geographically.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Agreed. Being with the right people is going to be much more important in the long run than staying in the same area. Even if their new guardians lived right in the same town, they’d be moving to a different home, very likely a different school — and there’s nothing to say than any nearby guardian wouldn’t also move across the country a year later. Pick a family, not a place.

    2. CAA*

      We did not put this in our wills, but we attached a letter to them that said we are intentionally not naming a guardian and asked our parents and siblings to work together to decide what would be best for our daughter and each other; and it was our wish that she would continue to be in contact with both sides of the family. We did it this way because we could see that things were constantly changing; siblings were having children and moving, parents were getting older, etc. It seemed like the “right” answer was changing so often, and we trusted them to work together for the best interests of our child, whom they all love. She’s 24 now, and fortunately, this never came into play.

      We did setup a trust with our DD as beneficiary, and we deeded the house and other accounts into it. DH’s sister, who is a lawyer, is named as the trustee because she has access to professionals in this field at her firm. I can’t remember all the details, but DD gets full control of the trust assets by age 35, so hopefully we’ll still be around long after that anyway.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      FWIW, my parent appointed my unmarried aunt with blue hair to take care of me. At least they explained the reason why. “You will have a LOT of money [because of insurance policies]. Aunt Blue Hair really KNOWS how to handle money and you will be okay.” Yeah, Aunt Blue Hair knew how to handle money but people skills were not the best and skills with children were non-existent. Look for people who offer more than one skill or ability. Don’t put your kids with someone who is awkward (understated) with children. Fortunately, I progressed into adulthood without losing a parent.

    4. Mal the College Student(Again)*

      I’m an only child and I know that my parents had my dad’s sister(my favorite aunt) as my guardian should I become an orphan. They did this because 1. she’s the sanest sibling either of them have 2. she has two kids near my age(all other siblings of theirs did not have kids and most have never married) and 3. she’s my favorite
      Both of sets my grandparents were Aline, but neither set really capable or young enough to raise a child(seeing as how all four died within 14 months of each other when I was about 19, this was a wise choice) – Some of this also goes into the fact that all of my grandparents were 30+ when my parents were born and my parents were 30+ when I was born – my grandparents were much older than other kids my age.
      Honestly though I’m not sure who my husband and I would designate to raise our future kids – my parents are probably the most active and best choice, but my mom is kind of a detached mom. My husband has a brother, but we don’t particularly like his parenting of his own kids. We’d probably actually ask my husbands cousin – she’s wonderful.

    5. Cristina in England*

      Thanks, all. I agree getting the family right is the most important. Most of the pieces are there with my husbands best friend. They’re lifelong friends, his wife is really outgoing and loves kids (he himself is more reserved so there’s a balance), they’re practical and responsible, and my kids have met them at least once (on summer holidays). The kids would have to change schools and move hundreds of miles, which is the only big downside.

      I am happy to hear I am not the only one who likes the committee idea! I might go the route of the committee because circumstances now will be really different than in, say, 12 years. If we die when my kids are both under 5, then it makes sense for them to move but if they are 14 and 17 they might well decide on their own they would rather be with someone local, and being uprooted and friendless (I am old, I am not counting staying in touch online) at that age would be worse, I think.

  75. Bryce*

    I reconnected with a couple of old highschool friends over Facebook last week! One’s back from the Army and just had a kid, and the other had just published his second or third fantasy novel. On the one hand I kinda want to read it but on the other hand I’m worried it’ll be terrible.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Start it and see if you even like it. It might be okay but just not your thing. At that point, you can say, “I started reading it, I can see how other people would enjoy it but it’s not my thing personally. I am happy to encourage you to keep writing.”

    1. Casca*

      Yes!!!
      So many theories swirling in my mind.
      I thought the end showed that it’s always truly been a horror story, but some people are managing to see optimism in it!

      What did you think?

      I liked the funny bits the best -eg- Wally, the casino guys in later eps, dougie and coffee
      And was awesome to hear, ” I AM the FBI”

      1. Elkay*

        I was hugely disappointed, there were good bits which I enjoyed but I felt for the most part it was over-indulgent towards David Lynch. I’d read the book that Mark Frost wrote, The Secret History of Twin Peaks, and really enjoyed it and foolishly thought the series would be an extension of that. I enjoyed the bits with Kyle MacLachlan and generally thought he acted everyone else off the screen.

        1. Casca*

          Definitely agree, re: Kyle’s acting. I heard a book is coming out in October so maybe that will help?

          I was a bit creeped out by Gordon towards Chrysta Bell’s character- she just always looked so awkward as well.

    2. Teapot Jeffries*

      I loved it up until the finale, which I’m having big problems with as it seems to invalidate the ending of the Fire Walk With Me movie (which I find beautiful and which makes me weepy). Still processing the finale, but the first 16.5 hours of the series were a gift, and I just bought both soundtrack albums.

      1. Elkay*

        I’m not as familiar with Fire Walk With Me, can you explain how it invalidated it? I was sad that the finale seemed to re-write/erase the original series.

        I’m in the minority, I think, because I *hated* the music, I groaned every time they cut to The Roadhouse and spent a lot of time not being able to hear the dialogue because the music overwhelmed it.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      David Lynch has always been a visual artist who was more interested in creating a mood or following through on a vignette than in telling a cohesive story. The fact that he launched Twin Peaks with the notion that no one would be interested in solving Laura’s murder shows his fundamental misunderstanding of plot mechanics. He has poor characterization but great actors. I am disturbed by his fixation on the abuses inflicted upon women. I believe that he has the correct motivations for depicting it but I am not a fan of his constant motifs of women being brutalized in artistic lighting, often in a state of undress.

      Despite all of this, I found things to enjoy in Twin Peaks. Dude just needs an editor who’s willing to stand up to THE David Lynch.

      1. Elkay*

        I agree in it needing a good editor. I felt like once he had free reign with Showtime the violence towards women and female nudity was ramped up to an uncomfortable level.

      2. Casca*

        One of my interpretations of the ending was actually that it’s showing the negative of masculinity- even the ‘good’ kind. Cooper is always trying to save Laura Palmer even after she doesn’t need saving/can no longer be saved. And by doing that, he basically destroyed a world, and still hasn’t left Laura (or anyone??) any better

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          That’s possible, but I don’t accept that from Lynch – he shows women being plainly beaten and assaulted, so I’d prefer that the comeuppance of masculinity not be oblique.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Best: I was very productive this week thanks to To-Do lists. I think I might have found a key to solving my procrastination. I also cleaned my flat from top to bottom (frightening the cat in the process).

      Worst: The noisy neighbours that ensured Wednesday was a write-off for me because I was so tired. I’m hopeful that the situation has been resolved but it’s 1am here in Spain and the noise is still audible through the ceiling.

    2. Red*

      Best: It is finally the season of long sleeves and jackets, and I appreciate this. I also happen to have a new computer, which is kinda neat.

      Worst: The rest of life. Oh well.

    3. Artyfact*

      Best: glorious weather, good work travel.

      Worst: the fact that I only get a one day weekend thanks to said travel.

    4. Dr. KMnO4*

      Best: I love my new haircut (a shade longer on top than Emma Watson). Washes quickly, dries quickly, styles quickly.

      Worst: Worried about family in LA. Family stuff in general, I guess.

        1. Red*

          That sucks :( Have you tried the milk with less lactose in it? I can’t remember what it’s called, which is super frustrating because I was literally just at the grocery store, but one of my friends drinks it.

          1. Dr. KMnO4*

            It might be called Lactaid, I think. Haven’t tried it yet, not even sure my local stores carry it. But if I find it I will give it a shot.

            1. Red*

              That’s it! I wish you the best of luck :) If you’re anywhere near the greatest grocery store ever (Wegmans), that’s where I saw it.

    5. The IT Manager*

      BEST: Finally experiencing beautiful weather (and a cool front) after 2 or 3 months of rain. Also drove about 2 hours one way for a wonderful afternoon of TEDx talks with my girlfriend. And a successful work week too.

      WORST: Unable to sleep Monday night so I felt terrible/sick all morning Tuesday. My sleep schedule has been off since.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: I had a brow appointment today and my brows are on point!

      WORST: Felt sick off and on all day, and then missed a pub quiz this evening because of it. Tummy seems to have settled a bit, though.

    8. Effie, moving forward without self judgement*

      Best: Got to kiss a lovely man
      Worst: Afterwards (kissing initiated by him), said lovely man confessed he’s still hung up on his ex :(

    9. Caledonia*

      Best: visited Berlin, caught up with a friend who lives near there.

      Worst: sick kitty. Co-worker giving incorrect info to someone so I had to apologise and fix it.

      Other best: cat is better now :)

    10. Elkay*

      Best: Tickets booked for Christmas day out in London
      Worst: I let my mouth run away with me at work. I need to learn to shut up.

    12. Ramona Flowers*

      Best: four months smoke-free tomorrow without a single slip-up. Also, I renewed my annual travel pass and got an unexpected discount that has saved me nearly £300 for the year which was a nice surprise.

      Worst: estrangement stuff.

      1. Ruffingit*

        WAY TO GO on being smoke-free for four months, that is awesome!! I hear you on estrangement stuff, I’m in that boat too.

    13. AvonLady Barksdale*

      BEST: My boyfriend started Hebrew classes today. Not only is this great for him, it means I get a set couple of hours of downtime on Sunday, which I badly need.

      ALSO BEST: I’m using that downtime by baking challah for Rosh Hashanah. This house is going to smell amazing in a couple of hours.

      WORST: Still dealing with a hip injury and a bad knee. Plus I have been eating such crap lately and put back at least 8 of the 20 pounds I lost. Feh.

    14. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Best: Saw a very tiny intimate show Tuesday for the launch of a new album by a long time favorite band. Saw some other friends there at the same time. Got my album signed, chatted with lead singer a bit. Good times!

      Worst: Team building day that was spent outside in the pouring rain on Friday doing gardening. We didnt even really do that much team building since folks were either huddled under a tree or working with their friends. Was weird and a waste of time.

    15. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Best: I celebrated a friend’s birthday and she had a gorgeous iced cake with candies all over it.

      Worst: SO couldn’t come to friend’s party bc he was busy packing. Also, an ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend showed up….super awkward. Spent most of it at opposite ends of picnic blankets (I ended things with him, he was not a good person/was using me in bad ways..) and ex spent the first 10 min loudly bragging about his househunting progress with his gf….ugh.

    16. Trixie*

      Best: Stressful work week was a short week after long holiday weekend.
      Second Best: Friday off to begin yoga certification, first weekend/month of eight weekends/months. One down, seven to go.
      Worst: Exhausted on a Sunday night, not my favorite way to start the week.

    17. Julia*

      Best: Saw my husband again after five weeks of me visiting home, and him working mostly non-stop anyway.

      Worst: Leaving home. I never know if my 95-year-old grandma will still be there the next time I make it to Germany from Japan. Plus, I couldn’t sleep on the plane at all, so I arrived as a weepy mess with an upset stomach (sleep deprivation does that to me.)

      Now I need to clean the apartment and prepare for the next (probably exhausting) semester of grad school before my brother visits tomorrow.

  78. Cruciatus*

    Best: This week ended. It wasn’t my worst week ever, but it was supposed to feel like a fast work week since it was only 4 days long. It did not…

    Worst: As I was driving to work earlier this week a car passed me and another car on a double yellow line. Fine, he was out of my way, but I caught up to him about 1 minute later on a road full of construction. Then we finally get onto the highway and he doesn’t go fast. I reluctantly pass him and the car in front of him knowing what an ass he already was. He then gets behind me to pass as well and is so close I can’t see his lights or bumper. I gesture for him to BACK OFF and he doesn’t (and I’m going about 80mph at this point). I finally get over to the right lane and, yes, flip him off. He proceeds to swerve his car into my lane, inches from my car, and stay there so he knows I’m really learning my lesson. Finally he lets me be and continues on his way. A minute later I was on an entrance ramp to another highway and pulled over, called 911, and then proceeded to shake and sob to the operator and then the police! I was even surprised by my reaction. I’m OK. The car’s OK. But that mother effer… I won’t do anything if I see him again because he’s obviously psycho, but the worst thing is I’m sure I’ve seen this guy on my drive before. We obviously were coming from the same general location. I’m sure the police didn’t do much. They would “keep a look out” but with no witnesses to find there’s probably nothing they could do. I had the license plate number but they didn’t seem much interested in hearing it. I’m not even sure the police could understand anything I was saying! I’ve never had a reaction like that before. And of course it happened before work so once the adrenaline wore off I was pooped most of the day!

    2. Nicole*

      I’ve learned that people like this are best ignored… so to safely give into my temptation to react I flip them off against my door so I feel better but they can’t see it. And I don’t look at or acknowledge them. I’m not blaming you for what happened in any way, just offering a suggestion for you to vent without putting yourself in danger since people like that can cause the situation to escalate and it isn’t worth the danger. I’m sorry that happened to you.

      1. Cruciatus*

        I know. I actually don’t flip off people as much anymore, but I think I was doing it before I even thought about it because his behavior was so reckless. What if I had needed to stop? Why would you *want* to follow someone a foot or less going 80mph down a highway? These days I sometimes give a sarcastic thumbs up, but this guy was so out of control and, obviously, if I knew what was coming next I would have just moved over and done nothing but shout expletives in my car! And it’s funny because just a week or two ago I was thinking about how not much ever happens on my commute–and how happy I was about that! My hope is one day I pass him on the highway…because he’s been pulled over by a state cop. I won’t soon forget his car or license plate number.

      2. Sparkly Librarian*

        I am usually the calm passenger soothing my driver’s road rage tendencies, but I couldn’t resist flipping off the motorcyclist who was taking SELFIES while crossing the Bay Bridge this afternoon. He was going sixty-plus mph, and taking frickin’ PANORAMIC VIDEO or something, judging by his actions. Idiot. Also wearing only a long-sleeved tee on top, so endangering himself, every driver on the road with him, and of course risking closing down the whole bridge.

    3. Ruffingit*

      That is very scary and I can’t blame you for being shook up by it. The other day, some guy threw a bunch of coke at my driver side’s window because he thought I had flipped him off. I hadn’t. Regardless, it’s never pleasant to have to handle road rage so I’m really sorry you had to deal with that!

    4. Kristen*

      I had a similar situation last year. Man was in the right lane of a long entrance ramp to a highway and I was in the left lane. At the end of the entrance ramp, the lanes merge. I had passed him but had to watch my speed as there was the potential for ice. He made it difficult for me to get into his lane; fine, my fault for misjudging the situation to begin with and maybe shouldn’t have expected him to yield to me. But then as he was passing me, he stared me down, I guess to let me know he was intentionally being a dick. I flipped him off. So, of course, he hits his breaks in front of me, I guess he wanted me to rear-end him, because that would have made his day better? Anyway, dude was a psycho.

      In the end, I try not to let people’s jerkiness and/or stupidity on the road control me. It’s difficult, but something I’m trying hard to work on. You never know what kind of person you’re dealing with.

  79. anxious*

    I’m an introvert and I try to be clear about that with my friends and hanging out time. One friend wanted to have an hours-long event and invited me to it, to which I said “Oh, I’d like to come, but I can only stay for an hour.”

    My friend replied, ‘that’s okay. we realized we [her+other friends at event i suppose] must lean to live with bite-sized morsels of you!’

    I’m being pointlessly anxious about this, right? I’m PRETTY sure she meant it in a nice way but jerkbrain is unkind.

    1. Nicole*

      It sounds like a kind remark so I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I’m an introvert too although I can stand to hang out for several hours with people as long as I can recoup later that day and preferably the following day as well. I try not to plan an entire weekend of socializing because it’s exhausting even though part of me loves planning outings with people.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Yeah, it just means they enjoy you and would like you around more. That is all. Continue on as you have been, it sounds like they will be okay with it.

    3. No Name Yet*

      I totally get jerkbrain, but honestly that sounded like a sweet way of them acknowledging what limits you (reasonably!) put on socializing. Unless she said it obviously snarkily (or she has a history of passive-aggressive comments), I’d feel free to tell jerkbrain to shove off.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      It’s a very kind response to your statement that you don’t plan on staying for the full length of an event that she’s putting time and effort into organizing.

      1. anxious*

        I doubt most people will be staying for the whole (4-5 hours) event, but I’ve found it’s helpful to be useful about my specific limitations.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Yes, 4 to 5 hours seems very long to stay for the whole thing. I’m guessing people will be in and out and stay for an hour or two. I think most hosts expect that. If I were planning something that long, I wouldn’t expect people to stay for the whole thing.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      This is a lovely thing to say, and to hear (if it was said kindly, which it sounds like it was).

      Your friend has realised that you’re introverted and she understands that. You’re making the effort to go to her event, and she’s made the effort to be aware that it’s difficult in the long run for you.

      These friends are great.

      I also love the expression “bite-sized morsels of you”.

  80. Legalchef*

    I go back to work Monday from maternity leave. Holy crap. And the baby has decided he is not longer going to take a bottle, which means it is going to be a tough transition to being in day care 9 hours a day.

    And we discovered he has cradle cap last night, it appeared all of the sudden out of no where. We combed it with a cradle cap comb last night before his bath but I think it’s spreading. He has such beautiful thick hair, I’m worried it will fall out.

    And he probably has seborrhea on his little face and neck, which makes me feels awful, since it’s basically a form of eczema, so it’s probably my fault (genetically speaking).

    So, yeah. Stressed.

    1. No Name Yet*

      Hugs. Going back after maternity leave is tough. Your kiddo will be okay, and won’t starve. And I think we all pass things down to our kids that we wish we hadn’t.

      1. Legalchef*

        Right now my husband is trying to give him a bottle while I hide in the bedroom so the baby can’t see, hear, or smell me. It’s not going so well :(

    2. Overeducated*

      That’s a really rocky transition for parents, no matter how the baby handles it! Wishing you the best. If it’s rough, just remember it can take a few weeks to settle in to a new normal.

    3. Jules the First*

      Just FYI, the seborrhoea on his face and neck could also be cradle cap – it doesn’t just happen on hairy bits.

      You could try adding a biotin supplement to your diet if you are continuing to breastfeed- it’s supposed to help with non-fungal cradle cap.

        1. amanda_cake*

          Another thing to help with cradle crap is cholesterol. My aunt and mom swear by it and put it on all of our heads. It’s in the hair care section in a jar.

    4. neverjaunty*

      Eh, it’s super normal for kids to have cradle cap. Babies are pretty much all in beta release. If his hair is going to fall out, it’s going to fall out for reasons that have nothing to do with cradle cap.

    5. Kage*

      Cradle cap- start treating early & aggressively. Our first lost way more hair than our second due to us being more gentle on the treatment. Wash with just a little of head & shoulders to help kill any fungus (careful to avoid getting in eyes). But really scratch during the process to help pull off the flakes. Getting them off to the fresh new skin really helped clear it up. We were too light/delicate with the scratching for the first and so she dealt with it/lost a bunch more hair than the second. Kids are tougher than you think. Good luck!

      1. Legalchef*

        Thanks! I’m so terrified of hurting his little head, especially because he had a big patch over his soft spot!

    6. Legalchef*

      At the recommendation of my parents (my dad is a ped), I rubbed olive oil into his scalp, combed it through, let it sit for 20 mins, and combed the bejeezus out of it. Most, if not all, of the cradle cap is gone!!

      1. Gem*

        I did this exact thing last night on my toddler’s head. She had flakes and flakes of it that combed right out. Coconut oil works too.

  81. Red*

    I got a new computer for school, and it is both fantastic and weird. I haven’t used Windows since Windows 7 was new. This has Windows 10 and omg, so much has changed!

    2. Get a Haircut*

      For what it’s worth, I haven’t used Windows consistently since maybe 10 years ago. Had to use it… and it made sense to me, mostly, because it is now so similar.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      I had to get used to Windows again when I started my job last year after using Macs for years and years – that combined with having to ask IT to do things (I’d been freelance for years so wasn’t used to being asked for administrator passwords) was a little frustrating to say the least. I’ve kind of got the hang of Windows again now, but my goodness it’s annoying.

      1. Red*

        I’m with you there! Whenever I go to download something, it asks me if I want to let the program do that. Well, yeah, that’s why I told it to in the first place! Oh, and I don’t know what Cortana is for, but she seems creepy.

        1. KR*

          I find it very nice to be asked if I want to do something with a program – it’s nice when you’re on a site and it tries to install something you don’t want and your PC asks if you really want to install it first. The settings can be adjusted on what it asks you about, but it’s an improvement because you can’t install something without being aware of it.

  82. Grumpy*

    This evens so trivial with the hurricanes and also the fires on the west coast, but if there are any readers from Europe — is it true that places like Spain and France don’t take Euros anymore? Visitors need to bring or use local currency because no one takes Euros?
    Thank you in advance.

    1. Dr. KMnO4*

      When I was in France and Spain at the end of June both countries took Euros. It’s the only currency I used.

    2. Expat in France*

      Euros *are* local currency in Spain and France. There are no more francs or pesetas, and there haven’t been for quite a while. (Although my local Carrefour translated euros into francs as late as 2008.)

    3. Mephyle*

      Totally not true. As far as I know, all the countries that use the euro no longer have local currency, and definitely this is true of Spain and France.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      Where did you hear that?

      I live in Spain and the local currency here is Euros, same as in France.

      1. Grumpy*

        Thank you all. Heard it from someone who just came back from a European cruise (different subset of the economy), but I suspect there’s more to it or they didn’t completely understand. But they were adamant about it.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          Yeah, definitely get Euros.

          There might (very unlikely might) be some heavily tourist cities that might take different currencies (i.e. Ibiza, Magaluf, Callais etc) but Euros are necessary here. Like you say though, cruises are different are accept all sorts of currencies onboard.

          If you tried to pay for a coffee in the North of Spain where I live with dollars or pounds, you’d be laughed out of the cafe.

          Stick to Euros :)

    6. the gold digger*

      Don’t bother changing money before you leave home, though – just take some US dollars with you (maybe $100? That’s what we do) and then get cash at an ATM at the airport when you arrive.

        1. the gold digger*

          I just my debit card. USAA allows ten free ATM withdrawals a month.

          I don’t know what it would cost if we had to pay the fee, but I am guessing it would be less than it would cost to get foreign currency at home (and then have to worry about carrying a bunch of cash).

          1. the gold digger*

            use my debit card. Sheesh – bandaid on index finger and on thumb from de-pitting plums yesterday. I couldn’t figure out why I kept seeing red streaks in the dumpling batter as I was mixing it. Turns out plum pits can tear a finger to shreds.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            It depends on your bank what they charge at the ATM. I think some of them have free overseas withdrawals. But it was more expensive for me to get some cash to start–I didn’t do that the second time I went to England.

            Oh and Grumpy, if you go to the UK, they don’t use euros. They use pounds sterling (£), divided into 100 pence (p). The actual money is easy, though; it’s similar to the U.S. in values. 1p, 2p, 5p, 10p, 20p, 50p, £1, £2 coins; then £5, £10, £20, £50, and £100 notes. There used to be a paper note for the pound but they got rid of it.

        2. Gaia*

          At least when I go to the UK I find my foreign transaction fee costs me less than I would lose in the crap conversation rate I get the in the US vs the Visa conversation rate.

          1. Call Me Crazy*

            For anyone going to Northern Ireland and England, use British pounds. They are exactly the same in terms of value, and the Northern Irish locales accepted the Brit pounds without issue, but had one heck of a time trying to spend Irish pounds in England (one transaction that was approved, in a large bookstore, took over 20 minutes. ) My purchase was rung up, and when I inquired if they accepted Irish notes, the employee looked befuddled…stared at the note for a couple of minutes, asked her coworker, who did the same, then called their floor manager, who came and after a bit called the store manager. Eventually, they did take them.

            My next stop was a bank, where I request to exchange the Irish pounds for British ones. The teller was quite friendly, but the transaction came to a complete standstill when I was asked for my account number. In the country for a few days, so of course didn’t have one. Same story at the second bank I entered.

            The Scottish pound was accepted without problem in England…geesh.

    7. Paige*

      Unless they’ve managed to re-establish the old currencies without anyone noticing, that is highly unlikely to be true. Maybe whoever told you this was getting confused about Sterling vs. Euros? Or they were in the Nordic countries or elsewhere in Europe that never joined the single currency.

    8. Elkay*

      Maybe they paid by credit card and were asked “Euros or local currency” meaning the currency of their credit card.

  83. neverjaunty*

    Alison, please please please consider switching ad networks? It is a regular thing to have my phone crash or my browser and typing speed slow to molasses because some ad or other is messing things up. And if I close down an ad at the bottom of the screen, another one just pops up.

    3. Mimmy*

      I use Ad Block Plus on my desktop browser (Safari) – Alison knows this is an issue and is fine with us using ad blockers.

      Can’t help with the phone though – I rarely use the internet on my phone, but I will say that when I do read the site on it, it does act weird.

      1. Lilo*

        Adblock has a browser for phone. I never chance this site on my mobile without it, on more than one occasion I’ve had to totally reinstall Chrome on my phone to make the redirect loops go away. It’s a serious, serious issue with this site, unfortunately.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      Yeah, my ad blocker often registers 30 scripts for the front page, which is way too many for a text-based blog. That’s way more scripts than visible ads, which makes me nervous. Why are they loading so much unseen stuff onto my browser? How much of that is sticking with my browser when I go to other sites?

      1. Amadeo*

        Same. I rarely read it on my phone because the ads drive me bonkers. Desktop/laptop only with a heavy-hitter ad blocker.

    6. amanda_cake*

      I pretty much only read from a computer now because it so often crashes on my phone. I know we aren’t supposed to talk ads here in the comments, but I wanted to chime in as well. I thought it was just me.

    7. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’m not switching ad networks for a variety of reasons, but you have my blessing to use an ad blocker if it’s causing problems for you.

      I do know that some people have been encountering really bad issues these last few weeks. They’re working on it, but I also know it’s taken too long. So again, if it’s happening to you, use an ad blocker with my blessing.

      1. neverjaunty*

        It’s honestly not just these past few weeks. I don’t know who over there filters the ads or determines how popups work, but they strongly need to consider a career change. :/

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          This is a problem throughout the ad industry. You can find loads of articles about it online. It’s not that they’re not filtering correctly, it’s that unscrupulous advertisers send bad code through and it’s an ongoing battle to block them.

          1. Nicole*

            Hmmm… I wonder if that explains why I got that really weird pop-up a week ago while using Google Chrome on my computer saying it was vulnerable to being hacked or something to that effect. I closed the browser too fast to read it because I was worried I had gotten a virus from this site. After a full computer scan and some Googling, I found it wasn’t the case, but I think scammers got into the ad site because I wasn’t on any other sites but yours at the time.

            1. dawbs*

              I get this one–the “alert, your computer is infected” obnoxious “click here and put some malware on your computer–while trying to avoid malware” here often.
              And it’s not something I get elsewhere on the internet–just here.

              I can’t continually do adblockers, because of some other things I do, but I find that the longer I leave AAM up and open, the more likely it is to get to that.
              And Firefox is more vulnerable to it than Chrome.

              But sometimes I hve to ctrl-alt-del out to get rid of it, so I hate it a lot.

              1. Nicole*

                Yes, that is what I got! Freaked me out because I’ve never seen it before and I was worried this site had been hacked. Happy to hear I wasn’t the only one.

          2. Do Not Want*

            i find it very curious that it’s so much worse on this site than anywhere else I ever visit on the Internet, though!

    9. No Name Yet*

      On that note, does anyone have an ad blocker they recommend for iPhone? I keep finding recs for ad block browsers, but I want to keep using Chrome. I don’t like having to ad block AAM, but I think I need to.

      1. It happens*

        No adblocker for chrome mobile. I’ve had to switch back to safari with Adblock to use this site:( (iPad)

        1. No Name Yet*

          Sigh, I was hoping I just hadn’t found it yet. Though it hadn’t quite occurred to me that I could use a different browser just for AAM. Thanks for the info and idea!

    10. nep*

      Wow — just today tried the adblock on Chrome. What a difference. No choppiness. All smooth. Too good to be true — what is the downside in general of enabling adblock?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        In cruising around the net to random sites some will tell me, “We see you are using an ad blocker, you must remove the blocker in order to see our site.” Sometimes I do, but very rarely.

        1. Mimmy*

          I think some ad blockers allow you to set it to be disabled for certain sites – in my case, I use Ad Blocker Plus. I haven’t played with the settings though, so I have no idea if it works.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          I have had to do that to read certain pages (MSN in Opera, for example; I can’t get it to work well on Chrome with or without AdBlock Plus). But GOD it takes forever to load. I don’t mind ads if they just sit there and do nothing. But the pop-ups and videos and crap crap crappity crap that makes the page slow to a crawl need to stop.

          “I do all my shopping from intrusive ads on webpages!” said no one ever.

      2. Lilo*

        There’s also the guilt that your favorite sites aren’t getting their full ad revenue. I do try to turn it off on sites where the ads aren’t intrusive or spammy.

        2. nep*

          I thought of that, especially given that I value AAM so much. But it was getting to the point I could no longer scroll through, and adding a comment was next to impossible. Cannot believe the difference. That’s why I was thinking, There’s got to be a catch.

          1. Lilo*

            Yeah I feel bad for Alison, but this sites ads make it unusable and dangerous when not blocked. I’ve sent her as many screenshots as I could to help trouble shoot the issues, but it just went on too long.

  84. SophieChotek*

    Beer Question
    I don’t drink beer. But I just purchased 16 bottles of various beers imported from Germany for an Oktoberfest I am hosting. We are going all out – German sausages (5 kinds), sauerkraut, german potato salad, apfelstrudel with whipped cream, those big pretzels, etc.

    so my beer question is…
    do I chill it?
    I’ve heard German beer is not (usually) served ice cold….
    Some have told me room temp (which could be 70s in the summer)
    Others have said 50 (F)

    Advice?

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      I’d refrigerate it. Even if it’s best when it’s a little warm, I wouldn’t risk storing it at room temp for the next few weeks. I’m not even sure I’d refrigerate it that long, depending on the beer. It gets funky faster than you’d expect sometimes.

      1. SophieChotek*

        Really? But doesn’t it sit in store at room temp before people buy it? I don’t have room to refridgerate weeks and weeks…
        Oh dear…this is a wrinkle…

    3. Dan*

      Technically speaking, each beer has an optimal serving temp, which will be somewhere between ice cold and 70. In reality, I’d go with 50 degrees. That’s a good one size fits all number.

    5. Anon for this*

      Are you in the US? American beer drinkers like cold beer so if you are in the US, refrigerate for sure. If you aren’t, it may depend on the local beer drinkers. If you don’t have it really really cold, you can always put some pint glasses in the freezer beforehand so that your not super cold beer will be chilled by the frozen glasses.

  85. Amadeo*

    Science was accomplished this afternoon, so when it got dark, I took my lightsaber that I bought for my Jedi cosplay (instead of, you know, actually cutting out pattern pieces to sew that cosplay tunic…) and started trying to teach myself what the fandom calls the ‘obi ani spin’. That fancy, useless in an actual sword duel spin that Obi-Wan and Anakin use in their duel on Mustafar in Revenge of the Sith (“I have the high ground!” “You underestimate my power!”).

    So, if the blade were a real blade, I have cut off my leg about four times, chopped off a butt cheek and severed my spine and the back of my head. I also have real blisters on both thumbs and a cut from the metal hilt on my right index finger, but I can clumsily do the spin with both hands! Will take a bit of time to actually be able to do it with some finesse, but I’m just glad I didn’t drop/accidentally throw my lightsaber.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      This comment makes me so happy!

      You didn’t drop the lightsaber so that’s a really good start. It’s a difficult move that one but so impressive when it’s done right.

      Try not to sever your spine again and good luck!

      1. Amadeo*

        LOL! I am glad that it makes you happy. There aren’t any clubs near where I live with people that do the fake dueling for show (Saber Guild, I think they’re called) so I have to learn some things on my own with Youtube. One lady broke it down into forward and back spins with one movement behind your back (where I kept hitting my legs and back with the blade – good thing it’s just plastic) and I could follow, so that was the tutorial I used.

  86. Anony-fed*

    I’m a regular reader and a federal employee. I’ve been a fed for almost 10 years. I haven’t had any marijuana in about 8 years. And I still feel guilty about lying on my background check. I don’t have a security clearance and I’ve never been drug tested and I’ve never heard of someone getting drug tested at my agency.

    I miss it. I didn’t smoke that regularly but I very much enjoyed it.

    I just found out I’m going to Denver for work next month. Someone tell me if it’s ok for me to buy/try some weed/edibles in my off time there.

    Ugh, the drug laws and the rules for federal employees are so dumb.

    I actually would sincerely love feedback.

    1. Helpful*

      I think that’s the price you pay for a fed job. If you want to use marijuana, you are free to work in another industry that permits it. It’s like any other limitation that a job puts on you; that’s the way I see it.

    3. FedToo*

      My earlier comment is not here (probably my fault)… but as a federal employee I would NOT do this, especially in the current federal climate and NEVER on a work trip (there really is no personal time on TDY).

    4. Florida*

      Agree with others. Is it worth your job? For me, I wouldn’t do it, but I can’t answer that question for you. It sucks that those are the rules of your job, but all jobs have a few crappy rules.

    5. periwinkle*

      I’ve got to echo the others – don’t do it, especially not during a work trip.

      I’m not a fed but work for a company with extensive federal contracts. Most of our employees live in a state where both recreational and medicinal marijuana are legal – and so well established that the pot stores near my house hire sign spinners to attract customers, rent billboards, and offer Mother’s Day gift boxes. However, because of our corporate customers, by policy we are not allowed to partake because it’s still against federal law.

      As noted, the way around it is to change employers or wait for federal-level law to change.

    7. Anon for this*

      Dude, don’t do it on a work trip. I am also a federal employee and I didn’t lie on my background check and had to go through hoops but it was ok. I was drug tested (and I think everyone from my agency is). They were really not cool with my one toke at a jam band concert from a few years ago. That was several years before I was employed there and it was the only time in like 6 years I had any and they were NOT cool. I repeat not at all cool about it and that was under the previous administration. Please just don’t do it.

    8. Anon Fed for this*

      I’m going to agree with the others that I would NOT go near it on a work trip, but as a Federal contractor with a clearance and an ID, I’ve been considering “buying” edibles in DC, where it’s legal (possession up to a certain amount is legal, so I think you buy their baseball hats or water bottles and they “give” you edibles). I was lucky enough to have stopped about 10 years before I applied for my clearance, so I didn’t even have to lie. From what I hear, you should have told the truth, because they usually don’t care if you did something minor in the past, they care if you have something to hide that could be used to blackmail you.

      Anyway, to me it’s worth the risk to buy where it’s legal (DC) when I’m on my own time, and to use on my own time, because possession is also legal where I live (MD). But I wouldn’t have it in any way connected to my work, that’s too risky.

    9. NacSacJack*

      Don’t do it. You could lose your job. Doesn’t matter if you’re a fed employee or not. Even if it’s legal in the state, you still can be fired for using. Alison had an article from a young gentleman, I think about a year ago, in which he mentioned he lived in a state where it was legal and he smoked every day but was up for a drug test and he wanted to know if he should quit or be fired. It’s too big a risk. Plus its on a work trip. People will smell it on you. What if co-workers stop by unexpectedly? Not knowing the rules for fed employees, I can’t say how different they are from private employers, but doing this would get you fired from most employers.

  87. Bookworm in Need*

    Any book recommendations? I’m trying to get 100 (or more) books read this year and I’m getting close, but I’ve finished my “to read” pile.

    I like fiction and non-fiction, but I am struggling to find books that aren’t full of swearing and sex. Anything that has good characters, an actual plot, and some fun moments is all I ask for in fiction (sadly a difficult thing to do). As for non-fiction I like interesting, slightly odd things. I really enjoyed “Severed: a history of heads lost and heads found” and “The Geography of Madness: Penis Thieves, Voodoo Death, and the Search for the Meaning of the World’s Strangest Syndromes”.

    Thanks in advance!!

    1. Simone R*

      Hmmm those are some vague guidelines. I pretty much read fiction, and some of the most absorbing books I’ve read lately have been Where did you go Bernadette?, the Secret History, Crazy Rich Asians (series), The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society and the century trilogy by Ken Follett.

      1. Bookworm in Need*

        It’s vague because I will read almost anything! But I’m also indecisive which makes it difficult :)

    2. Dr. KMnO4*

      The Southern Sisters mysteries by Anne George are funny.

      Sue Grafton’s Kinsey Millhone novels are about a female PI. Some swearing, hardly any sex. More serious but with moments of humor.

      Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Actually, any of Pratchett’s Discworld novels.

    3. MechanicalPencil*

      Sandcastle Empire by Kayla Olson should fit your fictional list. It’s a new release from a new author, though she had a book set to be released in 2018 also.

    4. Mephyle*

      Some non-fiction for you: One Good Turn: A Natural History of the Screwdriver and the Screw by Witold Rybczynski.
      Longitude: The True Story of a Lone Genius Who Solved the Greatest Scientific Problem of His Time by Dava Sobel.
      and a more ambitious book, but well worth it: Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond.

    5. Casca*

      Station Eleven is a beautiful book staffed with interesting characters and a unique perspective.

      Anonymous Lawyer is brutal! A bit of swearing.

      Lionel Shriver books have very well drawn (but often unlikable) characters. Some have swearing.

      The Martian is science-heavy fiction. Very strong (and funny) main character.

    6. miyeritari*

      “the fifth season” by NK Jemisin (it’s the first of a trilogy – all 3 are out!)
      “perdido street station” by china mieville
      “jonathan strange & mr norrell” by susanne clark

    7. Ismis*

      The Ministry of Curiosities series by CJ Archer. I think it’s targeted towards the YA market, but I’m in my 30’s and really enjoyed it.

    8. Foreign Octopus*

      Burial Rites by Hannah Kent (I love this and recommended it to my friend, who has recommended it to hers).

      Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi (a fantastic story with the most beautiful cover I’ve ever seen).

      Bone Clocks by David Mitchell (oh my god, so good).

      Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt (non-fiction and such a page turner I read it all in one sitting).

      Stoner by John Williams (not a lot happens but everything happens).

      The Amelia Peabody Mystery series (a funny, light-hearted Indiana Jones/Miss Marple set of stories based in Egypt).

    9. Paris Geller*

      If you like science fiction, I recently read Sleeping Giants & loved it. It’s definitely not heavy science fiction (I think people who are into heavy science fiction might argue it’s not science fiction at all), but it was a ride. I also love The Night Circus, Good Omens, and Every Heart a Doorway.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I finished that book last week!

        I was a bit wary of it because of how it was written but it was honestly amazing. Also, the cover was gorgeous!

        (I have a thing for good covers.)

        1. Paris Geller*

          I listened to the audiobook, which was a good choice. It fits the format well & it’s performed by a full cast!

    10. HannahS*

      I just read “The Golem and the Jinni.” It’s about those two mythological characters meeting around 1890s NYC, the Golem struggling to cope with her (literally) new life in the East End following her master’s early death, and the Jinni struggling to cope in Little Syria after being freed (but trapped in a human body) from an oil jar, 1000 years after his initial entrapment. It was a nice change from the ELVES and FORESTS and MAGIC and WAR that I’m starting to find a bit too repetitive in fantasy.

      2. Becca*

        I also really liked this book! I agree that it was incredibly refreshing.

        Fiction: If you don’t mind young adult/children’s books, I recommend Diana Wynne Jones! Hexwood in particular will make your head spin. Also, To Be Or Not To Be (choose-your-own-adventure Hamlet) by Ryan North, Good Omens by Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, and Silent Hall by NS Dolkart (character-driven epic fantasy with yes, ELVES, FORESTS, MAGIC, and WAR—but with Jewish allegory, not Christian for a change).

        Nonfiction: anything by Bill Bryson, The Secret History of the Mongol Queens, and MIRROR, MIRROR: A History of the Human Love Affair with Reflection.

    11. Lily Evans*

      One of my all-time favorite authors is Tana French, she writes mysteries and I’ve loved them all. There is some swearing in the dialogue of her books sometimes, but I never found it excessive. And since I’m American and they’re Irish novels with Irish versions of swears it never really felt like real swearing? I also am a pretty swear-y person in general though so YMMV.

      For non-fiction books, I haven’t read them, but all of the Mary Roach books in the library I work at made our recent staff selections shelf, so they’re probably worth checking out!

    12. Bookworm in Need*

      Thanks everyone! I now have a nicely filled hold list at my library and should be getting a few books this week! Thank goodness my tiny local library can do inter-library lending. All books are fair game ;)

  88. Los mariachis que se reín*

    ¡La peliroja, la peliroja
    Ya no puedo caminar
    Porque no tengo, porque me falta
    Cervezas para tomar!

    SA

    1. Effie, moving forward without self judgement*

      That’s kind of vague, could you be a bit more specific?

      Also I’m assuming you’re a woman :)

      My favorite all-around comfortable shoe (work-appropriate, driving, walking, standing all day, & dancing) that still looks decent is the Felicia flat by Sam Edelman. Comes in a variety of colors/materials (so depending on how formal you need, you have options), decent padding, super comfortable. I don’t think it comes in narrow or wide widths.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Not sure if you’re a woman, but I just bought a pair of Aerosoles. Google “Women’s Aerosoles Exhibet Flat.” Very comfy and soft, but are dressy. They seem to run a tiny bit small, so maybe go half a size. They’re leather, though, so I assume they’ll stretch. I just received them in the mail the other day, so too soon to tell.

    3. It happens*

      If you mean heels, naturalized has a good selection of comfortable, not unfashionable, shoes. Aerosoles are also comfortable – good padding, rubber soles and lots of fashion-y choices, also relatively inexpensive and lots of sales…

    6. Anono-me*

      I like naturalized (sp) brand for feminine style dressy shoes. However what really works for me is shoe shopping after a long day of being on my feet. If my feet already are sore and tired but the shoes feel good anyway, those are going to be good comfortable shoes for me.

      Good luck.

    7. Becca*

      If you’re looking for women’s shoes— if you don’t need to get super fancy, Softwalk shoes are very comfortable. I have a pair of their Hampshire shoes that I can walk over 2 miles in. Very supportive soles. Good luck!

    8. AdAgencyChick*

      Cole Haan are my favorite. Pricey but they last (and they also go on sale at deep discounts on a fairly regular basis).

    9. tigerStripes*

      Thanks, everyone! I am a woman, and I’m thinking of dressy Mary Jane type shoes, but something that doesn’t hurt my feet.

  91. Sami*

    My Mom (age 77) has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is generally in good health. She’s scheduled for a lumpectomy on Wednesday. After that, she’ll likely need radiation. Any good thoughts, positive vibes, and prayers would be greatly appreciated. :)

    My question is what to expect after her surgery. It could be an outpatient procedure (!). How long will she be down for the count? What about pain? Any other advice would be helpful. Thanks so much

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I wish my aunt had a lumpectomy rather than chemo and radiation. I think it makes more sense what your mother is doing. The chemo came back and bit my aunt years later. FWIW, I think your mom has the stronger plan with the removal and radiation.

      1. Book Lover*

        A bit confused by this. Do you mean she never had the cancer removed surgically? That would be very unusual unless the patient had widely metastatic cancer, in which case the only option would be chemo and palliative radiation.

        Generally the treatment depends on the size of the cancer, whether it has spread to lymph nodes, etc.

        The option these days for a relatively early cancer is lumpectomy plus radiation versus mastectomy. But maybe I am misunderstanding your comment.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          When the cancer came back then they went with a mastectomy and radiation. I have no clue why things went the way they did. The cancer never came back after that second time and she died from a side-effect of the chemo from the first time.
          But anyway, am agreeing that OP’s mom seems to have a good plan.

    3. schnauzerfan*

      Way TMI about my cancer. Move along if you’d rather…
      In 2012 I was dx with breast cancer at age 51. My lumps (there were 4 or them clustered together) I went in on a Thursday morning for surgery (lumpectomy) they did some tests to make sure my nodes were clear. I went into surgery about 1o am they removed a tennis ball sized piece of my breast and was home by 4 in the afternoon. Felt like h*ll from the meds, for the next few hours. Was off work Friday, Saturday was a normal day off. Went in for a few hours Sunday eve., (sit down work) By Monday I was back full time. About a month later I started radiation treatments. 5 treatments a week for 6 weeks. I was able to schedule treatments for late in the day, leave work 1/2 hour early and just go home afterwards. Treatment was really a non event. Took longer to undress and dress then the treatments did. The side effects were very manageable especially the first weeks. By the end of 6 weeks I was pretty miserable, fatigued and sore. Couldn’t wear a bra. If I hadn’t been as stubborn as a pig I probably could have used a little time off from work. As it was though I took only a day at the end of treatment. So, if you are counting, that’s 3 full days off and like 2.5 hours a week for treatment. Also had many other appointments, oncologists, surgeons, gps etc. It took several months to recover from the fatigue, and in some ways I’m still not back to where I was before.

    4. NicoleK*

      I had two lumpectomy done for benign tumors. Same day surgery. The first time, I only took two days off from work and needed to take an additional two days. I don’t recall how many days off I took for the second surgery. Pain was minimal (I was taking extra strength Tylenol for the pain). I had a drainage tube for the second surgery and that caused most of the discomfort and pain.

    5. Mapmaker*

      I had a lumpectomy followed by chemo and radiation two and a half years ago, when I was 44. The surgery was the easy part. I had a small tumor removed from one breast, along with lymph nodes from both armpits, more on the side of the tumor. I only got extra strength tylenol after the surgery, and was fine. They put a small drainage tube in one armpit that was in for only 3 days and removed before I was sent home. (My treatment was not in a US hospital so my stay was a little longer than I think it would have been if I had been in the US.) The recovery from the surgery was pretty straightforward and relatively quick. I was up and about the day of the surgery, and fully up and about the next morning.

      Radiation was pretty simple. As schnauzerfan mentioned, it took longer to undress and get situated than it did for the treatment to actually happen. By about 3/4 of the way through though, I was pretty exhausted. I just sat in my couch corner at home unless I was at work or going to the hospital for treatment. I did work about 4 to 5 hours per day, though, during radiation treatment. I was also pretty uncomfortable and didn’t wear a bra for a few months. I bought a few tank tops in black that I could wear under clothes, and that I didn’t mind getting covered in greasy lotion, yet were loose enough that they didn’t bother me.

      Best of luck to your mom.

  92. A Place to Talk*

    Does any one know a place online where one can anonymously chat with others to discuss life issues, to rant a little, and to express some frustration/despire?

    I experience anxiety, some mild social phobia, and stress from time to time, and it is impacting my life.I don’t have much friends; I am not very close with my family; and I live in a household that don’t believe in psychiatry. But sometimes I do want to talk about my problems in order to get perspective.

    I am also not sure if online is the right place. But right now I can’t think of any other way to express myself anonymously.

    1. Effie, moving forward without self judgement*

      Captain Awkward has forums! It’s called Friends of Captain Awkward

      Some Reddit forums can be lovely too (r/suicidewatch for instance) but I am not familiar enough to give strong recommendations. Proceed with caution.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Tune in here on Saturdays and Sundays. Lots of people talking about life stuff. You might find it helpful or at least enjoyable.

      1. nep*

        Agree. This is a great space for sharing, venting, getting some feedback if wanted. And a space for sharing things you wouldn’t necessarily want to say to someone in person. This weekend open thread is quite comforting in that way.
        Wishing you all the best. Hope you’ll find something that will help, be it here or on some other sites.
        We’re here for you, for what it’s worth. (I feel as if I can say that — because I really do feel like people are ‘here’ for me.)

    3. The Other Dawn*

      You’re looking at it! :) I’m pretty lean in the friends area myself, and I find this fills my social needs sometimes. Many times I’m not really looking to go out of the house. I just want to socialize in a non-demanding way at my leisure and connect with people.

      1. the gold digger*

        I just want to socialize in a non-demanding way at my leisure and connect with people.

        Exactly! I want a conversation with people I like, but I don’t want to be stuck. I like bite-sized morsels of conversation – and I like doing it online. No commitment! No shower!

        2. nep*

          And, this is a group of smart people with a vast range of experiences, diverse backgrounds…and the insights and tips that come from that. It’s a rich environment.

    5. nep*

      I’m rambling here — anyway, going to chime in with one more thing.
      I’ve found also that people here get it when someone writes that they just want to vent, not necessarily seeking advice or feedback. That’s generally respected…just ‘listening’.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It’s actually helpful when people say they want to vent. Then we all know what they expect from us! ;)

    6. A Place to Talk*

      Thank you for all your suggestions.

      Sometimes I wanted to know if there are more forums I an visit just to share my thoughts with a larger audience.

      This forum is great. Sometimes I cannot make it during Sundays, but I hope there are places to write during the weekdays maybe.

      1. nep*

        Makes sense to seek around to get a feel for different perspectives.
        Hope you’ll be able to find a suitable place for during the week.
        Peace

  93. MsChanandlerBong*

    I got my X-ray results yesterday. No bone lesions, which is good, but I have multilevel degenerative disc disease of the thoracic spine, multiple bone spurs on the thoracic spine, and a “large bony defect” extending from L2 to S2. Degenerative disc disease comes with aging, but I’m only 36, so I’m kind of young to have this level of degeneration. At least now I know why my back has hurt pretty much every day for the past six months.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’m glad you have some answers. Back pain is tough to pinpoint. I’m headed to the ortho on the 22nd (earliest I could get!) to try and figure out my chronic back pain.

      Good luck with treatment!

    3. nep*

      Wow. Must be good just to finally identify the cause, even if it is a lot to take. You’re way ahead of me — I’m apprehensive about finding out (ridiculous, of course), and can’t afford the consultation/X-rays anyway.
      Wishing you all the best. Keep us posted.

    5. Mimmy*

      Now that you have answers, I hope you find relief soon.

      By the way – was it you that had a bone marrow biopsy too? Or am I thinking of another commenter?

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        That was me! My follow-up appointment is on 10/9, so I won’t get the results for a few more weeks. The good news is that the X-ray showed no osteolytic lesions, so I am feeling pretty good about the outcome of all these tests. The hematologist said he thinks I have monoclonal gammopathy (it raises your risk for multiple myeloma, but it’s not cancer), but he wanted to do the biopsy and other tests just to be sure.

    6. fposte*

      Argh. Are you a surgical candidate, or does your other stuff make that a problem? I know bone defects are really tricky sometimes, but there might be mitigation on the spurs at least.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Honestly, the spurs don’t seem to bother me. It’s my lumbar area that gives me trouble, which I guess is partially explained by the bony defect. I’ve had spinal surgery four times, so that doesn’t help much, either! I should be grateful, though–I have a LOT fewer problems than you would think I’d have after having so much surgery.

    7. Zip Zap*

      How did you convince them to give you such a thorough set of x-rays? I have similar problems and the doctors tend to kind of roll their eyes and go, “Too young and healthy looking for testing.”

      1. Red*

        I had a ton of x-rays to confirm a diagnosis of RA (both knees and both ankles), and it was just a matter of finding an aggressive specialist. Ask around, there’s got to be one!

  94. nep*

    Three-year-old niece I help take care of during the week starts preschool on Tuesday — a few hours in the a.m., two days per week. Her mom will be the one dropping her off so I won’t see how that process goes; she’ll fill us in later. I’m nervous as hell for the little one (and freaking out as this will be the first time she’s in the care of other than family members, except for brief periods in a child watch or something). But I very much like the idea of this transition period, getting her used to ‘school’ before she has to go to kindergarten in a couple years. I’m sure each situation / child is different. One friend says her daughter was so eager; when dropped off for her first day, didn’t even care to look back at her mom and that was that. How was it when your toddler started preschool?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Not a parent, but I recently read that it is fairly normal for most kids to like school when they first start. Hopefully this is how it will go for her, also.
      I remember starting kindergarten. I asked my parents if I could see the place before school started. Somehow they arranged for me to get in and see the classroom. After that I was fine.

      1. nep*

        Thanks.
        I’m not a parent either. (One of the best calls I ever made — I certainly was not meant to be a mom.)
        Fortunately the place is not far from where they live and they’ve even been to its playground in the past — so it’s familiar to her in that way. Also her mom took her to an open house recently; apparently the little one darted right in and said things like ‘Isn’t this great? This is my school!’ and started playing with the other kids present. She is certainly always excited when we get to places where she can interact with other children so I’m hoping the adjustment will go OK. I reckon if there will be any difficulty it would be for just the first day or two. Fingers crossed.

    2. I get that*

      My oldest had to be eased in. I had to stay for a few minutes for a few days. He finally was fine. Child 2 walked in and never looked back. Child 3 was just like everyone else.

    3. Lily Evans*

      I’m not a parent, but I worked with kids around that age for years. Most of the time the transition goes smoothly. By three they usually have a decent understanding of the fact that their parent will be back later, so they don’t have the type of separation anxiety younger toddlers sometimes have. Occasionally we’d have a child that age who would cry when their parent left, and that’s always harder for the parents because 99% of the time the child would be fine and settle in within fifteen minutes of the parent leaving, but the parent would worry about it all day. But if your niece is already excited to start it probably won’t be a problem at all.

    4. fposte*

      Aw, is this the little one you were so worried about dropping off at daycare a year or so ago? Auntie Nep is a solid auntie, that’s for sure.

      1. nep*

        Good memory, fposte. Yes. She would lose it when left ‘alone’ (without one of us) in child watch at my place of work. As she’s gotten older and more independent (and more familiar with the space and people), it has completely changed of course. She shoots in there and starts playing. When I say, ‘I’m going to my office, honey,’ she just says ‘OK’ and she is just fine playing in there. I know there will be an adjustment period for this new schedule, as it’s a bit more formal/structured. We’ve been talking it up when we can. Moment of truth is Tuesday morning. (All the parents would chuckle at me. This is nothing, right? They’ve been through all this and I’m not even a newbie…just an overly protective auntie.)

      2. nep*

        P.S. She didn’t go to a daycare regularly — we continue to be the ‘daycare’. I just bring her to child watch on occasion for her to have that exposure and an occasion to interact with other children and non-family-member adults. So the preschool starting next week will be the first experience being in a setting like that on a scheduled basis.

        1. fposte*

          It’s a big move for everybody, but I bet she’ll show you how to do it. She’s lucky to have so many caring adults in her life.

    5. OhBehave*

      My daughter never even noticed me when I dropped her off at preschool. It was more like “later Mom!”. Independent little bug :)
      My son was an entirely different story! He screamed every morning for 3 weeks. They had to peel him out of the car. When we pulled him out of private and went to public school (better services for his learning disability) in Kindergarten, I had to come in to class with him (and his stuffed lovey) for about 10 minutes for a few weeks. He’s a senior now and remembers those times too! He recalls the time the teacher had him put his puppy in his cube for the day.

  95. hiptobesquared*

    My downstairs neighbor knocked on my door the other day and complained about how much noise I make when walking around. I’m not stomping or dancing or anything, just… living in my apartment.

    I said I’d try to be aware of it but I mean, what can I do.

    Any tips for if she complains again?

    1. nep*

      That’s a drag. You don’t want to feel as if you’ve got to tiptoe in your own home.
      Have you been upstairs/downstairs neighbors for a while or is one of you new-ish to the place?

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      Socks.

      If it’s the sound when your walking around, thick socks or slippers might be a good idea.

      I’m sort of on the other side of this at the moment where I have a problem with noisy neighbours (TV and loud sex). It’s an issue of awareness like you said. You’re just living in your apartment but she’s also living in hers and, trust me, it gets very, very annoying, very, very quickly when you become aware of the noise. Unfortunately, these situations are part and parcel of living in apartment buildings.

      So what to do.

      1. Try and mitigate the sounds with slippers and socks as above. Don’t change the way you walk unless you’re really thumping down every time, just try to cushion the blow.

      2. Maybe check in with her to see if it’s helped in a couple of weeks. Then you won’t be tiptoeing around the rest of your time there and your annoyance at the situation won’t be escalated.

      If she complains again, tell her that you’ve tried your best but you’re no longer sure what to do. Ask her if she has any suggestions. This is important because 1. she might have good ideas and 2. she might have no ideas and then you can just say that you’ve done your best but she’s also got to try and accept that, occasionally, you’ll be making noise.

      I hope this helps.

    4. HannahS*

      Do you have rugs down? If not, I’d recommend it, especially if you have creaky floors and especially if you wear shoes indoors. If the lady complains again, you can tell her that you’ve put rugs down/stopped wearing shoes indoors/have given up flamenco and that’s all you can do. If she feels that the apartment isn’t sufficiently sound-proofed, she’ll have to talk the landlord about what can be done to make her apartment quieter.

    5. Nicole*

      Did she say whether the floor is creaking? If so, your apartment management may be able to help.

      We had an upstairs neighbor who paced CONSTANTLY which was terrible because the floorboards were loose. Management tried tightening them from our ceiling but really needed to pull up the rug in their unit to get to them but the neighbor wouldn’t consent to it. Then I swear they walked around even MORE and stomped around on purpose. I HATED those people simply because they didn’t care about trying to make it quieter for us. Between that and the cigarette smoke that would filter into our unit from two floors above us, we were able to break our lease early and move out. We’re in a townhome now so we have shared walls, but not having anyone walking above us is so nice.

  96. nep*

    Recurring dreams?
    -My bag or wallet is stolen.
    -I’m late for a flight and I’ve already missed / changed it a couple of times — usually haven’t yet checked out of hotel room and I’m late, scrambling.
    -(fortunately less frequent than in the past) Time for finals and I’ve not been to class all semester. (I gather this is a pretty common one.)
    -(less frequent — unfortunately, because it’s fun) I can get into mayurasana with ease

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I have the falling over a cliff one sometimes. And a recurring theme of being stuck or stranded in places.

    2. kc89*

      I have creepy elevator dreams sometimes, the elevator falls or something

      and every now and then I’ll have a dream where I can’t find my way out of some innocuous place like the other night I dreamt I was in this giant movie theater and every hallway was a dead end, creepy stuff!

      1. nep*

        Oh I have that one too sometimes.
        Another I’m now remembering: Having to crawl through a teeny, tiny space that I cannot possibly get through.

    4. Mimmy*

      – Being back in college but as an adult living in the dorms
      – Relatedly: Approaching the end of the semester and realizing that I’ve barely completed any major papers or reading
      – Being unable to walk
      – Being topless in public (no, it’s not doing anything vulgar; it’s probably from feelings of vulnerability in real life)

      1. nep*

        That school one is very much like mine — it’s as if I thought I didn’t have to go to the class all semester for some reason, but it turns out I should have been…and how in hell am I going to explain to the prof? And I’ve not read a single thing…….

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Oh, I had ones like that when I skated–in them, it was my turn to go on the ice and I didn’t even have my skates on or tied yet. Same thing when I did theater. I would dream I went onstage and promptly forgot ALL my lines.

    5. the gold digger*

      1. I can’t find my locker.

      2. I realize I have a 20 page paper due tomorrow. I had forgotten. I have not even thought about a topic.

      3. It’s two weeks before finals. I stopped going to class after week one of school because I dropped the class. And then I discover – no, I did not drop the class.

    6. Julianne*

      I used to have the wallet/purse getting stolen dream a lot, sometimes multiple times per night. (The anxiety it produced/probably reflected would usually wake me up.) I’ve also had times where I dreamed that my clothes disappeared in public with regularity; during my student teaching, it usually involved my pants disappearing right before my university supervisor came in to observe me.

    7. Tris Prior*

      I have a crafty side business and do craft shows, so craft show anxiety dreams have replaced the school-anxiety dreams that everyone has. Forgot tent, forgot merch, accidentally show up hours after the fair’s start time, no customers come, there are no bathrooms except for a toilet sitting out in the open in the middle of the park the show’s in. I think my favorite was the one where my booth neighbor was selling soap, and the Weeping Angels had somehow infested themselves into the soap so I kept warning people they couldn’t take their eyes off of it.

      Speaking of toilets, the “I REALLY have to pee but can’t find a working bathroom” dreams suck too.

      1. I get that*

        I’ve had the bathroom one. Of course it’s my body trying to wake me so I can actually go use the bathroom. I’ve had no bathrooms, no working toilets, toilets that are saran wrapped, exposed toilets, disappearing bathrooms. And even when I find a bathroom I can’t go.

        1. Amadeo*

          Yes, this is a recurring thing for me too when my body is trying to get me up to use the bathroom. Except, while I have the very public toilet that I’d never be able to use in a million years, I don’t have the ‘no bathrooms, disappearing bathrooms’ and so on, I find the bathroom, but the toilets are all foul. Bodily fluids of all sorts all over the seats and the floors, clogged with the water sitting right under the rim, full of nasty, and finding similar going from stall to stall. So not only can I not pee, my brain is just grossing me out at the same time.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I remember Ann Landers (or was it Abby?) telling people if you have recurring nightmares get to a doc. That advice has fit with what I have seen in my life.

      But your dreams are not that nightmarish. Look around and see if there is something you are forgetting or letting slide.
      I think the finals one is pretty common. I’d chalk that up to a release of very old worries.

      Most of the time, I can break a recurring dream just by talking to someone about it. That seems to stop the dream with a cold, hard stop. The one problem is I have to remember the dream and I don’t always until I am in the middle of the dream AGAIN.

      How are you doing on your mineral intake? Calcium, potassium, magnesium, etc. Maybe try a drink with electrolytes in it, see if that cuts into the dream replays.

      1. nep*

        Right — I RARELY have nightmares. (Thank goodness.) I’m not troubled by these at all; sure a bit of ‘anxiety’ but far from nightmarish, and only till I awake and breathe the sigh of relief that it was just the dream again. Was just curious what people’s recurring dreams might be as I met someone a while back who had a couple very similar to mine. I think many are pretty common.

      2. "Anonymous" is not my real name.*

        I probably could have used a therapist’s help when having nightmare’s after my parents’ separation when I was 6. It wasn’t until adulthood when giving one recurring nightmare some thought that I realized I feared my dad not wanting me. I remembered having some anxiety about this outside of my dreams. My mom left my two brothers and I; I had anxiety about my dad wanting my brothers but not me (the only girl). My dad was/is a great dad, so it broke my adult heart to know how very fragile I was as a child when I realized that’s what this particular recurring dream probably meant.

    9. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Definitely have school dreams (and I’m 40). A frequent one is that despite having a college degree, it’s discovered that I didn’t complete some high school requirement so I have to go back to high school and take a class as an adult. I also have had the “time for a test but I haven’t gone to class” type dreams a lot.

      Another one is that I’m in some kind of emergency situation and my cell phone won’t work right so I can’t call 911 or my mom or whoever else I might be trying to call.

      There’s also one where I’m moving but haven’t packed and am scrambling to get that done in time.

      1. nep*

        I’ve had that one too — that I’m all done and graduated but for some reason I’m back in a class in high school. I haven’t done any of the reading or studying so I panic end of semester…but then in an odd way it comes to me that I don’t need the class after all. It’s crazy what comes in dreams.

    10. Oh Fed*

      1. Rarely attend class…walk in to find it is test day is my variety of that common theme.

      2. My two front teeth crumble away while I am giving a presentation or having an important conversation.

      3. I’ve had another one periodically since childhood–I’m kind of slowly falling in nearly complete darkness. I can just barely see that I am slowly passing by windows like against a skyscraper. I don’t even try to reach out and grab something & I never hit the ground. I usually wake up from that one irritable w/ my dream-self.

      1. nep*

        Teeth crumbling away — I’ve had that one too. Horrible. I wake up relieved that my teeth are intact. (I’ve got really serious dental issues so that one hits a bit too close to home.)

    11. Academic Librarian*

      I am standing in front of a class that I didn’t prepare for or forgot I had.
      I am at work and men in suits (like men in black) interrupt and say I have to go back and finish high school. (I skipped a year)

      I have a plane to catch and/or missed it because I thought it was at 1:00 and it actually was for 10:00 am.

      I have a plane to catch and don’t have my ticket, can’t find my reservation, didn’t make one.

      I am at a previous job and keep explaining that I don’t work there anymore.

      Left something important on the subway as the doors close and I am on the platform

      911 ptsd nightmares- buildings exploding, trapped in rubble, people calling for help and I can’t get to them.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Why do we dream about old jobs? I do that a lot. I still dream about the deli in California where I worked more than twenty years ago. Mostly it’s me going back and they need someone to help make sandwiches and I still remember them, or that I moved back and got my old job back (not gonna happen). Once I dreamed I was bussing tables and a spaceship landed in the parking lot!

    12. Tau*

      Not exactly? I have odd dreams in that they’re extremely realistic. So I’d dream about oversleeping and missing an exam… the night before said exam. (Three times in a row. Gdit, brain.) Or about missing the 7:35 train and getting the 8:05 instead if I have to take that train the next day. Now that I’m working, I mostly dream about work things, or forgetting my lunch, or the like. So I get similar dreams, but for one to be truly recurring my dreaming brain would have to be more capable of detaching from my present reality than it is.

      I suppose I’m lucky in that I don’t really get nightmares (unless I have an exam the next day…) but it’s still pretty annoying. I’d like my dreams not to be hideously boring 99% of the time, and I’ll get confused about whether things actually happened or I only dreamed them because there’s no obvious features to tell the two apart.

      (FWIW, absurdly realistic dreams is apparently an alexithymia thing, so at least I know what to blame.)

    13. The Other Dawn*

      School-related (I graduated high school in 1992 and it’s now 2017, but yet I still have these dreams every so often)–I can’t remember my high school locker combination
      -I’m wandering around the school because I don’t have a copy of my schedule and have no idea where my next class is
      -I’m in class and have no idea what the homework was, so I have nothing to hand in, didn’t do the reading, etc.

      Work-related (Grocery store, I worked this job from 1991-1996)
      -I’m making the store closing announcement (closing at 10 pm) and people are still streaming in the doors at 9:55 pm or while I’m trying to lock the doors
      -I’m making the beer sale announcement (no beer after 8 pm) and people are grabbing beer off the shelves at 7:55 pm or while I’m trying to put the covers on the shelves

      I don’t have any other recurring dreams that I know of. I will say, however, that once in a great while I have premonition dreams. I dream that something happened to me and the next day I find out that same thing happened to someone I know. It’s happened with the death of a coworker’s father and another coworker’s niece who was playing with a BB gun and shot out two of her teeth. I recently had two dreams within weeks of each other, and I’m really nervous. In one I dreamed that my niece, who has depression, anxiety and is recovering from drug abuse, was telling me that she wants to commit suicide. The other I dreamed that I found out I had cancer and was terminal. That one, however, could simply be me transferring my brother’s experience to myself since he recently died from cancer. I really hope that’s what it is and that someone I know isn’t sick.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I had one my freshman year of high school about four months before the end of the year; I dreamed two guys in school were killed. One was this redheaded dude I’ll call Cal, who in the dream was killed with a spike or some stupid dream-crap. The other had his back to me and I kept trying to see who he was, but every time I moved, his position would rotate around and I couldn’t. Behind him, I could see a big giant semi-trailer–not the cab, only the trailer.

        I went to school that day in a state of high anxiety, sure one of my classmates was dead. Cal was fine. Everybody else was fine. I felt like a dumb-ass.

        The last day of school, I woke up and my sister came into my bedroom and told me that this guy a couple years older (I’ll call him Dave) had been killed. We went to school and everyone was crying. Dave’s mum was divorced; she and my mum were really good friends. We had grown up together, but when we got to high school, we drifted apart because he was really popular and I wasn’t (we fought a lot as kids, haha). He was always nice to me at school, however. The creepy part was when I found out how he died. Dave had gone with his dad on a trip–they were hauling some kind of trailer and they had an accident. The trailer came loose and smashed into the cab and killed him. THE TRAILER.

        I had another one with that same anxiety feeling when I was living in Santa Cruz, but I don’t like to talk about that one. It was too realistic for words. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, however. :\

    14. Merci Dee*

      I had a particular recurring dream for a while, but it’s been ages since I had it.

      I’m in a downtown shopping district of a major city, browsing the racks. Suddenly, I stop behind a woman who’s shopping, reach out, and calmly twist her head to break her neck. She falls dead to the floor, as you might expect. I wander through the store toward the door, occasionally snapping necks as people catch my interest. People in the store panic and run into the street, and I come out right behind them. When I exit the store, I’m dressed in a flowing toga-type dress, and I continue to walk sedately down the middle of the avenue, breaking the necks of whoever gets close enough to grab. At this point, everyone in the city is running for their lives, bumbling from place to place and not realizing they’re putting themselves in my path.

      Weird enough dream, but what’s totally bizarre is that I’m just filled with euphoria every time I kill someone. And I’m absolutely delighted that people are stampeding in panic to get away from me. Just about every time I had this dream, I woke myself up laughing.

      Not sure what that said about my psyche at the point I was having these dreams.

    15. Paris Geller*

      Doing a task, like moving a piece of furniture, then turning around and everything’s back in the same place. The different tasks change but the set-up of “doing something-it going back-having to do it again” is a dream I have over & over again.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      A lot! I guess my brain likes reruns, haha.

      –Definitely the late for a flight or missing it/can’t get through the airport dreams.

      –A tornado hits and I’m trying to get everyone under cover. Then it passes but we look out and there are multiple vortices and they just keep coming.

      –Crawling around in an attic or a big room where all my stuff from childhood is, and I can’t find a box in which to take it home with me. I think this comes from my mum chucking some of my stuff when I was a kid and after I left home.

      –Weird seashore dreams; they come every so often. It’s as if I’m on a beach but it’s in a room, not outside, or it’s actually outside but is in some sort of small, finite area. I don’t know where this comes from or why I keep having it.

      –Trying to drive and I can’t control the car. It either wants to drift or fly.

      –That I’m running or doing something and I can fly. Not like Superman; more like I push off and sort of levitate but yet propel myself forward, like astronauts on the moon. I LOVE this dream.

      –Recurring dreams that I’ve moved back to California, and then I’ve moved back here, and then moved back to California, ad infinitum. In each one, I either am in despair that I can’t stay in Cali or full of regret that I came back–not too hard to analyze. :P

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh yeah, I forgot one. Going to a public bathroom or one in someone’s house with either really tiny stall doors or no door, and I can’t pee with people watching. Nine times out of ten I dream this when I actually have to go to the bathroom.

      2. Merci Dee*

        I’ve had a version of the flying dream – that I can fly, but not if too many people are watching. 2 or 3 people, and I’m good. 4 or more, and I land on my face when I jump into the air to push off. Like I’m not supposed to show off my talent.

        Alternative version — I can skim over the top of water, like the motions for speed ice skating, but on water. And it’s incredibly fast, like moving miles in just a minute or two. Lots of exhilaration with this dream, too.

    17. Amadeo*

      I don’t have too many that occur repeatedly so much anymore (except for the bathroom one when I have to pee in the night). I used to have them about being chased and not being able to actually get away. It was always a different setting and something different chasing me, and every once in a while I’d catch a glimpse of it. One time it was a more sinister version of the ghost you can’t look away from in Mario Brothers. I could run, and hide for a while, but I’d always have to move on after just a short rest and there was no peace. I hated it when I had them because while I may have slept well, I never felt rested after waking up from them.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I’d forgotten dreams like this. I had those when I was a kid, like running through glue when I was trying to escape. Then, in one of those dreams, I tripped over something and used my hands to push back up to keep running… And discovered I could run so fast like that, bent forward to use my hands, too. I remember thinking it was weird to run using my hands and feet, because of legs being longer and all. And then it was like the ground tilted upward, like I was trying to scrabble up a hill. It made me feel almost like an animal to run that way. But, from then on, every time I started to have one of those can’t-get-away dreams, I’d remember to drop down to my hands to run like a strange cat.

    18. So Very Anonymous*

      – I need to take a shower but something is wrong with the shower (the variations on this one are endless! dirty clothes piled in the shower; the shower head is in the library stacks; there’s no door or curtain and everyone can see me; I can’t find soap or shampoo; I am in a dorm and can’t find the bathroom; I am in one dorm and the bathroom is in another dorm and it’s freezing cold outside…) (Once I dreamed that I was taking a shower in a gorgeous bathroom with fabulous products… when I woke up I wondered what on earth the magic formula had been for finally dreaming about a successfully executed shower?)

      – I am late for a flight but have way too much stuff to pack and won’t make it. Fun variation on this: I make the flight but realized I have left my bag with ID/passport at the gate, meaning that I will never be able to return.

      – School dreams: I am teaching a class and have forgotten the syllabus, or I teach the first class and forget that I have to teach all the other classes, or there’s a tremendous amount of noise and I can’t pitch my voice loudly enough to teach. Bonus: often I’m wearing only a towel.

      – I am back in college and living in a dorm. All kinds of weird variants on this one: in one I was living in the campus’ lowest-rent dorm, which meant that we lived in an open-office-type plan (no walls!) and every. single. thing I did involved thinking about how to maintain some kind of privacy.

      – I haven’t had this one for awhile, but I’m in the center of a town or city (lots of different towns/cities) in an arty area filled with bookstores and art spaces; sometimes there’s a train that takes me from one of these spaces to another. I used to have these often enough that I sort of knew the train “route” through them.

      – I have certain fictional cities — sometimes named after real cities — and school campuses that show up a lot as the sites of dreams. I often dream new ones when I’m interviewing for jobs. I just went through a long interview process (sadly, was just rejected) and have noticed that I’ve been dreaming up a new town as a result.

  97. SeekingBetter*

    I don’t think this is a work-related question since it involves something non-work related but unfortunately deals with the status of my current job. So if it’s work-related, please let me know and I’ll post to the work thread.

    Currently, I’m working a job that is guaranteed in my offer letter to be good until Feb. 2018. When it comes that time, the organization will review my position and determine if they can extend my employment for another year. I have an old car that has had a lot of major work done and needs new tires before winter hits. I’m sick of putting more maintenance money in the car, and it’s already over 205,000 miles. Technically, I can’t afford a new car (used new, not new-new) before the end of this year. I am diligently saving for a down payment and monthly loan payments and can probably afford the new car next year April / June 2018.

    Should I buy the car now and begin loan payments or hope that my position is extended next year? Should I just wait? I heard beaters have a lot of potential mechanical problems and aren’t worth buying really.

    1. NDQ*

      I have always told myself the car I can afford is the car I can pay cash for. Especially when you are uncertain about your income, this is no time to take out loans.

      NDQ

      1. Not So NewReader*

        My last three cars have been pretty old and definitely used. It’s not worth it to me to have a loan payment to worry about.
        A good friend with good intentions tried to talk me into taking a loan out, nope, nope, nope. He got a good used car with a loan and he was amazed at how many things went wrong with it. So he had the loan payment plus the repair payment. For my setting this would be a financial disaster.
        Yes, my old cars break. I have a shop that I have done business with for years. They communicate very well. We work together to keep the repair bills down. When I reached a point where I was scared of the vehicle, I got a new-to-me older vehicle to replace it.
        Added bonus, insurance is low on older vehicles and I don’t need collision because of having a loan.

    2. neverjaunty*

      If you take out a loan, make sure it is at a level where you could carry the payments for a while even if your job wasn’t renewed.

      Sometimes buying a crappy used car rather than take an auto loan is just being penny wise and pound foolish. And if you can afford to pay the loan without skipping (even if you lose work) that’s a way to build up your credit rating, too.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Mazel tov! I’m excited to learn who will be reading it. In a perfect world, it would be Alison Janney, don’t you think? :)

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Ha, I actually think I should read it because tone is so crucial to some of it (the book is about how to say things in a bunch of different awkward situations), but they may want someone who’s actually trained to do such things.

        1. Academic Librarian*

          Let a professional read it unless you are trained. I review audio books. It does make a difference.

        2. Turanga Leela*

          I’m not a professional, but I listen to a lot of audiobooks, and I almost always prefer books that are read by the author. I can sometimes hear that the actors don’t really understand what they’re reading (especially in nonfiction), and sometimes they get the tone all wrong. I mean, obviously I didn’t write the book and don’t know for sure what the author wanted, but I’ve stopped listening to books where the voice acting just felt like it was really in tension with the text.

      1. nep*

        Ah, Dame Judi Dench. I love Macbeth with her and Sir Ian McKellen. Stunning.
        (Digressing all over the place here but — speaking of Ian McKellen, a couple talks he gave at Cambridge Union are amazing and well worth checking out.)

    7. Academic Librarian*

      Hey, I asked your publisher to send you to ALA. You have a lot of librarian readers who can make a difference on the sales front. When/if you get a book tour let us know.

  99. Number Confused*

    Out of curiosity, does anyone here have dyscalculia? After breaking down in tears in a math prof’s office last year I did some preliminary tests and there were strong indicators that I have it, but I don’t have some of the most severe symptoms so I’m not sure.

    I mostly struggle with seeing number quantities in my head (so mental math for the most part is out), having numbers morph, disappear, or pop up in my mind but not on the paper, being unable to put names to faces without some serious coping mechanisms, and understanding math concepts or remembering them. I struggled a lot with math in elementary and high school, but I did well in every other subject. I even got 98% in physics, though I think that has to do with the fact that the numbers in physics aren’t just numbers, they represent something so my brain was able to grab onto. I have also been able to successfully work as a cashier, but again I think that is due to the numbers being assigned o physical things which helped. I do take longer than most to count down a register, especially if I have to fill out a count form that has all the numbers next to each other (it takes me a few times through to make sure the numbers are right, though I should note that my tills have always been perfectly balanced).

    I’ve graduated from university with a BA, but the masters program I am looking into has three stats courses. I actually like stats. I still struggle with numbers seemingly moving/morphing, but I understand the concepts. My problem is that in order to do a stats course I would have to do two pure math courses. I don’t want to go through the trouble of applying to a program just to flunk out before actually starting the serious courses.

    I’m just wondering if I should try and get officially diagnosed, or if I’m really just bad at math. The information I can find indicates that most of my symptoms are fairly minor, but I still really struggle. I keep getting conflicting information and I would appreciate any input you might have.

    1. Really*

      I find what you have outlined interesting. And the concept that you have mild systems especially. They are not mild to you as they interfere with what you want to do. They are only mild as they don’t interfere with the need/use of numbers in every day life. A diagnoses would/should get you some accommodations. This might make it possible to get through those classes.

    2. Look What You Made Me Do*

      Well I’m not a doctor, but your symptoms – especially this: “having numbers morph, disappear, or pop up in my mind but not on the paper” – don’t sound like “Oh, I’m just really bad at math.” I think it’s definitely worth it to seek an official diagnosis (even if you think your symptoms aren’t “that bad”) and finding out what accommodations would be available to you in math classes in the future or if there are any coping mechanisms that people with the same or similar conditions have developed that would also help you.

    3. HannahS*

      I say give it a try. Learning disabilities are spectra, not binary, so you can certainly have a mild version of something and not the worst symptoms. If you do have an official diagnosis, the disability office at your university should be able to help you get accommodations. Even something basic like extra time on exams, so you don’t feel like you’re battling the clock, can be really helpful. If you’re mistaken, and you’re just bad at math, so what? Then you’ll know, and you can decide based on that. But wouldn’t it be worse if, fifteen years from now, you find out that you have a learning disability and could have asked the university to accommodate you and could have pursued the education you wanted?

    4. Number Confused*

      Just wanted to clarify something. When I say minor symptoms I mean it in the sense that most descriptions of dyscalculia state that sufferers have trouble understanding 2+2=4. I can do basic math functions, but that could be because I was able to get a lot of help in elementary school (yay for small town schools!) and I came up with coping skills of my own. So I don’t think I’m your average “I don’t like math, I don’t do math, and therefore I am bad at math” kind of person. I just wanted some opinions after being told by a doctor that I was over exaggerating because “there was no way [I] could have gotten through all of [my] schooling with an undiagnosed math learning disability.” I guess I just needed some complete strangers to tell me that I’m not blowing things out of proportion :)

    5. Elizabeth West*

      YES.

      I think I may also have dyspraxia comorbidly; I have issues with fine and gross motor control. The dyscalculia has limited my employment prospects severely. I struggle with even basic math. Physics? Hahahaha. No algebra; I dont’ even have long division.

      You DO need a written diagnosis for accommodation. A neuropsychiatrist can do it. I went to a psychology school the first time for an assessment I could take to my college. They assigned students to test me, who fluffed the assessment so badly I walked out with a diagnosis of histrionic personality disorder. Um, no. I fit none of the criteria, and essential data was left off the report, which rendered it invalid. Finally, in 2012, Vocational Rehabilitation sent me to a neuropsychiatrist who knew what the hell he was doing. Find someone who knows what the hell they’re doing.

      Many people have never heard of dyscalculia–I have to explain it all the damn time. Some people do have different symptoms–there’s quite a list of them–and some have a more mild case than others. Definitely see about getting tested regardless of school, and ask the university disability office for more info on their accommodation programs.

      1. Kerr*

        Slightly off-topic, but thank you for sharing your struggles with dyscalculia! I didn’t realize it existed before you talked about it here, but because of that, I made a point of including the accounting- and numbers-related tasks in the job description for one of my company’s job openings.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          OMG thank you for that! I wish more employers would include a better breakdown of tasks. I’ve made it a point now to ask about that sort of thing, but I end up explaining the issue first since nobody knows what the damn hell it is. Then I feel like they don’t believe me, or they think I’m making up an excuse not to do those tasks. I always want to say, hey Poindexter, if I could do it I just frickin would without saying anything.

      2. Number Confused*

        Thanks for the advice! Thankfully I do know some psychiatrists, one of whom specializes in learning disabilities in children and adults. Honestly I’m not sure that I have dyscalculia specifically (my testing was done at my university’s assisted learning center, which was not the most in depth), but there are a few things that point to some sort of math learning disorder (MLD). As I’ve been reading there are many different kinds of MLDs and some sound more like my problems than others. On the bright side, all the MLDs I’ve read about can be significantly helped by coping mechanisms, so there might be hope yet! Now I just have to convince a doctor that I’m not just bad at math, then again after convincing a doctor I actually have real depression and I have endometriosis this shouldn’t be too hard ;)

  100. Dainty Lady*

    Hurricanes, DACA, an old friend’s husband just went into hospice and she has a million other challenges too, many other awful things in the world…. and here I am with a good job, healthy, with a really nice life and waiting to get a facial as a treat before a huge busy time at work.

    I guess this is a form of survivors’ guilt I’m feeling.

    1. Suzy Sunshine*

      I know just what you mean. I’ve been feeling guilty every time I go to Starbucks lately, knowing that so many people don’t even have that small pleasure.

    2. Tris Prior*

      I can understand this. I’ve donated to various relief funds but I still felt like kind of an a-hole for going out yesterday and buying a bunch of fun Halloween decor (one of my weaknesses). It’s like, couldn’t I have skipped that and donated Yet More Money? :(

  101. Sibley*

    Miracles do happen :)

    I bought a house this year, and the carpet in the living room and 1st floor bedroom is really smelly. It’s bad. So yesterday I pulled up the carpet in the bedroom (easier to clear the room!). First, found out why it smelled – previous owner’s dog had peed on it. Of course. But under the carpet and padding, the hardwood floor is BEAUTIFUL. After removing tack strips and staples and scrubbing (and scrubbing, and more scrubbing), it’s really nice and in good shape. Please cross your fingers for the living room floor.

    Also, if you’re in the middle of a hurricane, getting drunk is maybe not the best idea? Just saying, since I can’t say it on FB (and piss off various family members).

    1. Bibliovore*

      you are so, so, so lucky. We pulled up the old carpet and underneath was blue and red speckled linoleum tile and plywood. State of the art in 1950. Now, not so much.

    2. Kj*

      Beware of pee stains on hardwood! If the urine soaks though and it sits, it alters the hardwood and it has be be sanded and refinished to a pretty dark color. We just went through that with our floors- I wanted a nice light stain and instead I had to go very dark. It turned out ok, but if urine has soaked the carpet and it has sat, it might be bad under there.

  102. I'm a Little TeaPot*

    May or may not help, but there’s a book written by a breast cancer survivor (family member of mine). It’s based on her diary that she wrote while going through treatment. She had lumpectomy, chemo, and radiation (nasty form of the cancer). Doing research is what helped her get through it, and it shows up in the book. Even if it doesn’t line up exactly, there’s a lot that might be helpful.

    Dear Cancer, by Ann Tracy Marr (on Amazon).

    Good luck to her!

  103. Mazzy*

    Taxes – can someone please help! How do I check what my income tax should be? I make $80K and I went through a calculator and it said I should be paying $15K in just income tax. Seems high, with state, and social security on top of it. My checks come through ADP, which I thought was reliable, and they are deducting $12K/year.

    Every calculator seems to be wrong. Some seem to be calculating it as if the year has ended, others assume you know what you’re doing, so….I need help!

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      It sounds like you’re in the US, and there is no simple calculation to figure out what your taxes will be; that’s why everyone usually gets either a refund or has to pay, it’s never exact.

      However, you’re in the 25% bracket, which means $5,226.25 plus 25% of the excess over $37,950, which is $15,738.75. But that’s just federal tax. You also need to withhold Social Security, and state and local if applicable.

      Look, don’t worry too much. You can adjust your withholding next year based on how much you owe or get refunded. And that can vary quite a bit based on your deductions.

    2. fposte*

      The withholding is pretty much just what you tell them to withhold, so ADP doesn’t really matter, but calculators can be all over the map, especially if you’re not sure what you’re doing. Are you trying to figure out if you’ll owe come income tax time, or is there something else that’s prompted this? And is there a reason things would be significantly different from last year?

      If you did your tax with TurboTax or something similar last year, you can just do a dry run for 2017 on last year’s software but with the 2017 numbers; it shouldn’t be that different unless you had other complicated stuff going on.

    3. MsChanandlerBong*

      That’s right in line with what I pay. I actually pay a higher percentage, even though I only make about half of your salary, due to having to pay self-employment taxes. I think the IRS has a calculator on its website. I’d try that since the info is “straight from the horse’s mouth” and not from a third party.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You signed a form when you started the job to tell them how much to withhold. They should be abiding by your wishes.
      I approach this question backwards. Did you pay in for state or fed last year? It does not seem like your withholding is that far off.
      I try to keep my withholding very close to what I actually owe. So one year I ended up paying in $600. Not a big amount to many people but I prefer to keep it down around 100-200. It sounds petty of me, but I redid my withholding form to add $50 per pay period. (Pay period is once a month.) This brought me right down to where I wanted to be.

  104. nep*

    Just looking at a NY Times article about TV reporters being out in the hurricane to report on it. One person tweeted, paraphrasing — ‘Do the networks think we wouldn’t believe there’s a hurricane if reporters weren’t out there in the middle of it?’
    I have always thought it a bit nuts to have these people out there, part of the time talking about evacuation warnings…

    1. Paris Geller*

      I’ve always wondered about that too. Then again, there are people who don’t believe serious new stories, so I’m not assuming people would believe there was a hurricane unless they saw the footage.

      1. nep*

        Even if so — footage can be provided via cameras set up here and there.
        Anyway I just think it almost becomes this crazy game — what network can have the most dramatic footage of a reporter being battered about.

    2. Mimmy*

      Agreed. I get why they likely do it, but I would hope that there comes a point where they consider reporters’ safety and move indoors! One of these days, somebody is going to get hurt.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Reporters have rough jobs. Some go into war or conflict areas and their newspaper won’t/can’t get them out if something awful happens to them. Brutal stuff.

      1. fposte*

        I was going to say–I think plenty of them love this part of it. They’re like the people who chase tornadoes.

  105. Super embarrassed*

    My cousin got married this summer. I was the MOH and she had 3 bridesmaids. The day before the wedding she treated to us to a trip to the salon where we had facials and manicures and all the other pre-wedding stuff we needed to get done. My cousin had her hairline on the back of her neck waxed to get rid of all the shorter, stray and baby hairs because she wanted to her updo to look cleaner. She asked if any of us wanted it done. The bridesmaid all said yes but it looked painful and unnecessary to me so I declined. She got her pictures and album from the wedding and I regret saying so so much. All 5 of us are brunettes but my hair is by far the darkest and it looks so bad compared to all of them because I have 2 “trails” of hair on the back of the neck and even though my updo is the same as all of theirs it does not look clean. It is so noticeable on several shots (like the one of all 5 of us from behind or any from behind or beside me). I tried to convince myself I was just being overly critical but a few people have commented that my cousin should get a refund for my hair because of how messed up it looks and the stylist did not do a good job. My parents and brothers admitted they noticed right away and only didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to be rude and another aunt and cousin told me the same thing. She has already fully paid for the photographer and posted all the pictures online and sent and released them to hundreds of people who were all there. There is no going back from this. I am so self-conscious and embarrassed now. My cousin hasn’t said anything and no one has been rude or tried to make me feel bad but I know based on the comments I mentioned above I know people have noticed. I am so embarrassed and feel super anxious whenever I think about it.

    1. amanda_cake*

      The photographer should have photoshopped your hairline out. I’ve never gotten that waxed and I probably wouldn’t want to as I wouldn’t want to have to keep doing it. If it was noticeably different, the photographer should have photoshopped it out. :-(

    2. Jules the First*

      It was painful and unnecessary to have the back of your neck waxed for photos of the bridal party. You are being overly critical and shame on your family for being overly critical right along with you. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about.

      I have been a bridesmaid 23 times in the last eighteen years. Can you guess how many times I have seen the photos of the wedding party after the initial “OMG just got these back from the photographer” email? Never. Not once.

      (Also, brides! I know it feels like you need eleventy-one-million photos of your wedding day…you do not. Save your pennies and stick to packages that give you up to a dozen finished shots. Go enjoy your party…the photos are not going to be nearly as much fun as your reception!)

    3. fposte*

      I’m a little worried about how upset this is making you. You have hair on your neck. Most of us do. That’s not something that needs “going back from.” Even if people noticed it was mostly in passing, not because it’s something that matters–because it doesn’t. Your job wasn’t to be perfect for your cousin; your job was to be there for her on her important day.

      Have a look upthread about the letter to Dear Prudence from the woman who wants to exclude a bridesmaid who limps from her daughter’s wedding. That’s the kind of person somebody who gives you grief about neck hair is. That’s on them, not on you.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Listen to fposte. I’m a little surprised they considered waxing their necks in the first place. Personally, I have two “spikes” on the back of my neck, and they’re just… there. If your hairstyle looked messy, that’s on the stylist, not your neck. But even if your hair did look messy.. was it a fun day? Is your cousin happy with the pictures?

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Hair on the back of the neck. I never realized so many people could get upset over this. Tell them all to go scratch. Not a one of them could tell you how pretty you looked? Really.
      Please do not meltdown over this. Your family is being petty and just plain mean. Tell them it is what it is and they need to get over it.
      FWIW, I would not have had my neck waxed, either. My thinking is, “I am your MOH but you do NOT own my body. I will do as I think best for my own self-care.”
      It’s a wedding, not a Miss America pageant, jeepers.

    5. AW*

      No one should have said anything.

      They might not have been trying to make you feel bad but I can’t imagine what they thought would happen when they told you your hair looked bad.

      Please believe me when I say that just because your hair looked different doesn’t mean it looked bad. I get that folks like for the bridal party to match but you can’t all be clones.

    6. LCL*

      I think the people commenting your hair is messed up in the photos spend too much time online looking at images that have been manipulated and don’t realize what real human beings look like. Whether it’s Hollywood people or porn stars they are looking at, the commenters aren’t being realistic. I’m guessing most of the people involved in this are relatively young and don’t realize female hair loss is a thing that happens to many women as they age. Don’t let anyone near your head hair with wax or laser, you might want those strands later.

  106. AnnaleighUK*

    Late this weekend but guys, we’ve got a spider crisis. Flatmate just opened the towel cupboard and three huge ones ran out! Luckily they’re only house spiders and she’s a good shot with the Dyson but now I’m freaked out that there’s a nest in there and none of us are brave enough to take a look. We do live in a house that’s about a hundred years old so we’re used to spiders but these are comparative monsters to the ones we’ve had before. Aaaaargh! And my cat is hopeless, he just watched them run across the carpet instead of getting up to chase them. I’m considering conkers (horse chestnuts? Conkers? Whatever they’re called in whatever country, conkers here) but I dunno if that works. Boyfriend suggested garlic but I don’t know if he’s being serious.

    3. Cristina in England*

      Clove oil spray is supposed to deter them but it smells strongly so if you don’t like the smell of cloves don’t buy it!

  107. Momentarily Anon*

    So I came out to my parents as bi yesterday. They were great about it (I knew they would be), but it was still nerve-wracking, and afterward I felt a bit. . . let-down? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they took it so well. I definitely didn’t want a fight. Even though I’m an adult and independent, some part of me thinks it should have felt like a bigger deal, even though it was positive. Like, I told them and nothing changed. Which is great! But at the same time I feel inside me everything has changed because this big, big thing I’ve carried around for so long is out in the open now. I thought I would feel relief, and to not feel that feels. . . well, still kind of bad to be completely honest.

    1. nep*

      Great that they took it well. I’m glad you were able to come out — good on ya.
      What feels bad, exactly? Is it anticlimactic?
      I get that it’s a huge shift for you, because you’ve been bearing this burden for so long. Do you wish there was more recognition of that on their part?

      1. Momentarily Anon*

        I think it’s a bit of both of those. I guess because even though I wasn’t afraid of them taking it badly (my dad is old-fashion & we have our differences, but I feel I definitely lucked out in the parent genetic lottery — he’s supportive of pretty much everything I’ve ever done), it did still feel like SUCH a big deal. Like here was this thing I carried around with me for over a decade, and. . . my world feels completely different just on the virtue of it being out there now, whereas they’re just continuing on with their lives. I guess I feel I will remember everything very starkly in terms of before & after, but they probably won’t.

        1. nep*

          (This has me thinking — Just curious, what reaction on their part might have brought you more satisfaction? What do you think you were envisioning from them?)
          It’s normal that you’ll view things as a stark before & after this moment. Own that and draw whatever empowerment and/or contentment comes from it.
          I think this is a good example of the fact that we can never control what others will think, and — more importantly — we should never allow what others think to dictate how we will feel or proceed.
          Bask in your victory of having made this step.

          1. Momentarily Anon*

            Hmm. This is a really great question. I’m going to have to think about it. Honestly, the reaction I got was pretty much what I expected. I think perhaps part of it was that even though they were supportive, they were just as supportive as they are of any other life update, and this feels so much bigger. I didn’t want them to go overboard the other way, and, I don’t know, decorate their house in pride flags, but I guess in some ways it didn’t feel proportional. I don’t think they realized how much bravery I had to summon to tell them, in part because I’m not normally the most expressive person.

              1. Momentarily Anon*

                I’ve always had my suspicions that they already suspected, so this could definitely be it. (And I don’t want anyone to get me wrong – I AM very grateful for their response. I know many, many people who come out don’t all have supportive and loving environments. That’s part of why I’m so shocked by my own feelings).

                1. nep*

                  This, also, has me thinking about a stunning talk Sir Ian McKellen gave at Cambridge Union (which I mention above in another context). The entire talk is well worth a watch/listen — but there’s a portion where he talks about coming out to his family, particularly is 80-year-old step-mother, starting around 21:28.

                  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpMAM-Qc-6Q

    2. Not So NewReader*

      This is true of almost any secret: Once we drag the secret out into the light of day it sudden gets very small.
      And we are left wondering what the big deal was.

        1. nep*

          (Not to minimize in any way what you carried around and what this meant to you, OP. You did a great and courageous thing. I do get your sense of let-down.)

  108. Relationship Question*

    Have you ever taken a break from your significant other? How long were you apart? Did you see other people while you were apart? Did you get back together after the break or did you decide to break up?

    1. Mimmy*

      Years ago my now-husband split up for several months. At the time, I thought it’d be permanent and I’m sure he did too. I did not see anyone else; I’m not sure if he did either. But then later that summer, we decided to get together for a movie; before we knew it, we were back together and were married 3 years later.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’m into hard rock and heavy metal. Not sure what you’re into. But I like Bleed it Out by Linkin Park, Lift Me Up by Five Finger Death Punch and Rob Halford, Kick Ass by Egypt Central, Thunderstruck by AC/DC, Back in Black by AC/DC (actually, almost anything by AC/DC).

      1. nep*

        Thanks. I’ll check some of those out.
        I just put a song by Spin Doctors on my list; I’ve had it in my computer forever. I dig Two Princes and Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I use soundtrack music. My entire walk soundtrack is instrumental music from Jesper Kyd’s Hitman games, paced to my workout. That’s probably not much help; sorry! But if I use vocal music, I get frustrated, as I want to sing along and can’t when I’m busting my ass.

  110. nep*

    Anyone else here like the UK program The Big Questions? I like going on YouTube once in a while and watching or listening to it. Today watched one based on, ‘Should we be proud of the British Empire’?

  111. Zip Zap*

    What’s a good way to explain to people that your family is so toxic that you’re not in contact with them? The thread above about the Dear Prudence letter made me think of this, and feel encouraged.

    My family is kind of like that. I struggle to explain it to people. It’s emotionally laden and difficult to summarize. Usually, people don’t seem to understand. But I think my own communication failures are part of the picture.

    What would be a good way to convey this that would get around some of the, “But family!” and, “My family is good so I have no idea what you’re talking about,” “You don’t appreciate them yet because you don’t have kids,” etc. I do appreciate them. It’s just that the bad stuff makes it a bad idea for me to keep in touch with them.

    1. I get that*

      I’m not sure you really can. My family is not toxic but we are not close. I think that most people can’t relate or don’t want to believe that anyone willingly does not have any contact. Because all those bad things happen to other people (not like us)

      1. Zip Zap*

        Yeah, I think it is a denial sort of thing. It’s a milder version of the victim blaming mentality, which, I know, sounds harsh. But people want to maintain a sense of safety and control, so they deny bad things or imagine them being easily avoidable. I can understand that.

        So maybe it’s a lost cause to some extent. On the other hand, it seems like a common enough situation that a lot of people would relate and understand to an extent if only it were easier to talk about.

    2. Temperance*

      You honestly don’t have to appreciate people who make you miserable, and I hate the idea that you do.

      People who are like OMG MY MOM IS MY BFFF WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T LOVE YOUR MOMMY AND TALK EVERY DAY will never get it. I’m mostly exaggerating, but you know what I mean.

      1. Zip Zap*

        Yeah. What I mean is that there are good things about my family and I don’t take that stuff for granted. I just have very good reasons not to be in contact with them. Some of their beliefs and past actions are truly reprehensible. Among other things, they have issues with certain demographic categories that I happen to fall into. Hmm, I guess that would be one thing I could say that would be understandable

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          You don’t need to explain in such a measured way. Just tell people you can’t have them in your life.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      Hey – not sure you’ll see this now but in case you do. I think with this it can be easy to say it in a way that asks permission. You don’t need their permission.

      I tell people my family are not in my life or that I don’t have one. If they question or push, I tell them I don’t discuss the details but if they knew them they’d understand.

      Notably not one of my close friends has ever asked why.

      1. Zip Zap*

        I have tried that. Sometimes it works. Other times, it leads to weird assumptions, like my family must have rejected me because I partied too much or was difficult to deal with. I guess that’s a typical victim blaming thing, but I think I could get better at conveying that they’re the abusers in this scenario and that I’m just trying to live a normal life. Or something like that. I don’t want to slander anyone or burden people with my family issues, but I also need to communicate the basic facts and get around the whole, “It must be your fault,” thing.

        1. Zip Zap*

          PS – It’s complicated by the fact that I have been through a lot of bad stuff as a result of all of this and that tends to get read as the cause rather than the effect (being under-employed for a long time, etc).

        2. NaoNao*

          I guess your best bet is to have several “elevator speeches” of varying levels of openness.
          For strangers or coworkers: “Actually, we’re not very close. It just became clear as I got older than my family of origin and I were not meant to be close.”
          For acquaintances: “To be frank, over the years, we’ve grown apart and some things have happened to make it clear we’re not really meant to be close right now. It’s best for all involved.”
          For close friends: “I appreciate your concern, but ultimately, I’m the best judge of my relationship with my family. I’m the one that’s been involved or been witness to all the factors that lead to my decision to cut contact, so I’m the one that is in the best position to decide how to proceed. I’m happy with it, and it’s best for all of us.”

  112. Merci Dee*

    Oh, my gah, y’all, I saw It tonight. I have never been in a movie before where I was laughing and squirming nervously at the same time.

    I loved Tim Curry as Pennywise in the 1990 mini series, but Bill Skarsgard has it so much over Curry that it’s not even funny. Granted, we’re talking about the difference between 1990 and 2017, and between made-for-TV and major motion picture. But Skarsgard as Pennywise is just a plain flipping freak.

    I loved it! And now I’m at home tonight, all by myself. I’m listening for creaks and groans throughout the house with an attentive ear. I am not at all ashamed to admit this. That’s what a good horror flick is =supposed= to do to you.

  113. Kj*

    OK, late for this, but next weekend I have a family reunion, which I am dreading. It is relatively close to us though and other family is coming from far away, so I feel obligated to go. I’m not close to anyone who is coming, except my parents and brother. I have a couple of cousins who are nice, but I saw them only a couple of times growing up and we didn’t really have anything in common then. Now I’m pretty sure we have nothing in common. Plus one of my aunts made really catty and mean comments at my wedding (Is there going to be anything traditional about this wedding etc) and I don’t want to deal with her. I miss my grandparents from that side of the family too, so the reunion feels sad without them. But I’m pretty sure I’m the only one, other than my dad, who feels that way, since I was the closest to my grandparents. It is just frustrating to be using vacation time for this. Oh well. My brother, husband and I can go hiking. Sorry for the rant. Family.

    1. Merci Dee*

      I hope it goes well next weekend. Maybe it won’t turn out too bad. Over the past few years, every time I’ve grumbled about going to a family event and predicted disaster, it’s turned out just fine. Usually it’s turned out really good. I’ve ultimately been glad that I went. I wish the same pleasantly surprising outcome for you.

  114. Zip Zap*

    Yeah. What I mean is that there are good things about my family and I don’t take that stuff for granted. I just have very good reasons not to be in contact with them. Some of their beliefs and past actions are truly reprehensible. Among other things, they have issues with certain demographic categories that I happen to fall into. Hmm, I guess that would be one thing I could say that would be understandable

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