weekend free-for-all – October 14-15, 2017

by Alison Green on October 14, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: 4 3 2 1, by Paul Auster. This is four stories in one — all starting with the birth of the same person, but they then diverge into separate narrations of the paths his life might take. All four stories are told in parallel — Chapter 1 is divided into 1.1. 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4, and so forth with each chapter. It’s a very long book, and since I hate it when a good book ends, I’m enjoying knowing that I’ll still be reading this a month from now and possibly forever.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. KatieKate*

    Wow this is EARLY. it’s still the 13th by me!

    Cute cat photo! It’s nice that they decided to pose for you this week :)

    1. BlueShedSurvived!*

      In Seattle too! (Friday the 13th)

      Looks like Eve is blowing raspberries for the photo.

      Olive has been looking fluffier to me. (Last week and this week)

          1. QualityControlFreak*

            In this pic I imagine Eve in the role of rebelling teenager with Olive as the beleaguered mom.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              It does look like that! In reality, it’s the opposite — Olive is constantly trying to play with/attack Eve, and beleaguered Eve is not enthusiastic about that nearly as often as Olive would like. Mainly she wishes to bathe Olive/be bathed by Olive.

              2. tigerStripes*

                It’s funny – usually I’d expect the younger kitty to want to do more playing. They are so cute!

      2. Merci Dee*

        I noticed the other day that my cat is looking fuzzier through the chest and around his neck. They’re putting on their winter coats to stay warm during cold weather, I think. Just gives me more fluff to snuggle with!

        1. JaneB*

          Winter floof!

          My cat started moulting again, this freaky warm autumn weather (in the U.K. where it started to cool off then warmed up again, thanks Ophelia) is causing me to have to vacuum more & I do not like!

          1. Merci Dee*

            I’ve got wood floors, and I sweep them every couple of days. Still, I’ll see a random blob of cat fur rolling across the wood, like a tumbleweed. No matter how much I sweep, they still roll and tumble along, like they’re taunting me.

            1. Saturnalia*

              I think the tumbleweeds are worst right after sweeping. Like the ambient air currents find and gather any missed floof and send them tumbling back to their usual corners.

  2. KatieKate*

    I’ve decided that this winter I am going to get really good at soups. I hate cooking and I generally hate leftovers, so I figure I can make big batches to freeze and defrost as needed.

    Please share your hard-to-mess-up vegetarian soup recipes!

    1. Tassie Tiger*

      Roast some carrots and sweet potatos in the oven, cut up, simmer with veggie stock, and blend in batches! Add chopped onion or garlic if you like.

      1. K.*

        Coconut milk and curry make nice additions to a root vegetable soup. I made a pumpkin-sweet potato soup a couple of weeks ago (I got both in my CSA) with veggie broth, coconut milk, onion, garlic, and curry. Delish.

        1. Saturnalia*

          Yes! I always add coconut milk to my squash/root veg soup. Basically orange thing (or parsnip)+onion, garlic, ginger+garam masala+coconut milk+broth or water to thin. Immersion blend til velvety.

    3. Al Lo*

      Ooh! I make a lot of soups (I have an apartment fridge in my office, and since I’m terrible at taking lunches, I take a batch of soups to work a few times a year and thaw there). Soups are hard to truly mess up, too. If it doesn’t taste right, just keep tweaking until it does, and it’ll be fine. No one cares what things actually look like, and you can vary between blended or chunky soups, depending on what you’re doing or what you prefer. I tend to prefer blended soups, but that’s just me.

      Some favourites (vegetarian or easily modified):

      Garlic soup. It’s less strong than it sounds — the garlic is roasted, so it’s super creamy and caramelly. A few things I do with that recipe: When it says “coconut or other milk of choice,” I make sure that it’s half coconut milk and half half-and-half. It needs the cream. I also add a bit of brown or coconut sugar — about 2T. Those two things make it the best soup ever.

      Butternut squash and pear soup (subtract the bacon and sub veggie stock instead of chicken, and it’s just as delicious).

      Potato cabbage soup is surprisingly creamy with no actual cream or dairy. The ingredients are simple, but we really like this one.

      1. Al Lo*

        When I do a freezer-soup day, I’ll sometimes do one soup on the stovetop, one in a slow cooker, and one in the Instant Pot. Both the Instant Pot and a slow cooker are great soup tools, if you happen to have them.

      2. Ally A*

        Similar to the butternut squash and pear, Epicurious has a great butternut squash & apple soup. (search Epicurous-dot-com for “Butternut Squash & Apple Soup”). Skip the bacon (which sometimes I do if I don’t have any bacon on hand as it is mainly a garnish) and replace the chicken stock with vegetable stock, and you would be good to go. If you eat dairy, it’s really good with sour cream or greek yogurt on top. Also, I like to roast the squash first and replace half the boiling potatoes with sweet potatoes.

    4. Lauren R*

      This isn’t a vegetarian soup but could easily be made into one by subbing vegetable broth and omitting the chicken. It is SO good and really easy to make if you don’t mind chopping vegetables!! Lots of great veggies and it’s very good leftover (and I say that as someone who generally can’t do leftovers).

      http://allrecipes.com/recipe/232277/creamy-chicken-gnocchi-soup/

      Important note: It says to use 3 cups broth and 1 cup+1 pint cream – it is MUCH better (in my opinion anyway) if you use 4 cups broth and just 1 pint cream, so if you make it I highly recommend using that substitution. You can also use different noodles if you’re not a fan of gnocchi.

    5. Amey*

      We love soups in my house and I’m vegetarian too! I tend to just make them up these days, once you’ve got the knack you can just invent. One I made the other day was sweet potato, carrot and red pepper with onion, red lentils, can of tomatoes and spices (I used cumin, coriander and ginger) and of course some stock :) Would have been even more delicious with a swirl of cream.

    7. AcademiaNut*

      My two go-to soup methods are pureed vegetable soups, and what I call ‘kitchen sink’ soup (because you can throw in everything but the kitchen sink).

      Pureed Vegetable: sautee onions and other vegetables until soft, then add your spices and broth and cook for until nicely tender. Let cool and puree with a hand blender, regular blender, or food processor. After heating up, add a bit of cream if you want. It’s very flexible as to amounts and balance – I like to finish the seasoning with salt to taste and a squeeze of lemon juice if needed.

      Good combinations:
      – onion, carrot and ginger
      – broccoli, onion, garlic, a bit of lemon juice
      – winter squash or pumpkin, onion, garlic, ginger, Indian spices (cumin, coriander, garam masala)
      – asparagus
      – canned tomatoes, onions, garlic, ginger, Indian spices
      – cauliflower, garlic, onion

      For the kitchen sink soup, I start by sauteeing diced onions, celery, carrots, mushrooms, then adding broth, then some canned tomatoes or diced tomatoes, then whatever I’ve got from the list of [green beans, peas, corn, spinach, cabbage, zucchini, cauliflower, broccoli, snow peas, asparagus….], plus a bay leaf, fresh ground pepper, and some Italian spices (typically thyme, oregano and basil). You can also add canned beans or chickpeas. Add salt to taste at the end. The technique is very flexible, the main thing to remember is not to overdo the cruciferous vegetables (cabbage-related, including turnips and radish) or they will overpower the end result.

      I usually use a chicken broth, but a good quality vegetable or mushroom broth would work just as well.

      1. Triplestep*

        I followed a recipe last week that ended up in the blender because I didn’t like the texture until I pureed it. You’re right – this is easy and can make a soup with a lot of body. I did not use cream because mine had sweet potatoes which gave it a creamy texture.

    8. Overeducated*

      Red lentil – 1 lb bag, 1 onion, 3 cloves garlic, 1 tbsp tomato paste, around 1 tbsp cumin, 1/2-1 tsp oregano and cinnamon. Saute onion, add garlic, add tomato paste and spices, add lentils and enough water that it looks like a pot of soup worth, bring to a boil and simmer until lentils are mostly dissolved.

      There’s a good cabbage and mushroom soup recipe from The Kitchn too.

      1. Overeducated*

        Oh! Also, search for pumpkin rarebit soup from the Enchanted Broccoli Forest. I don’t have the cookbook so I always find it online. It’s a very easy, savory pumpkin, cheese, and beer soup, good for cold weather. I might make it if temps go down this week!

    10. Language Student*

      Pre-chopping and freezing veg is amazing for making soup regularly. Shortens the whole process so it’s pretty much just soaking/cooking time.

      My current favourite is:
      100g broth (pre-mixed or a variety of lentils, barley etc.)
      50g onion
      80g celery
      150g white potatoes
      100g turnip
      500ml stock (I use chicken, but you could easily use a vegetable stock.)
      Extra water
      Mix of basil, oregano, herbs de province, coriander and cumin plus salt and pepper.

      Makes enough for four portions, so you can adjust as needed. With freezing the veg pre-chopped, I can just keep the pot in the fridge and re-heat the pot.

      1. Language Student*

        (Oh, I think you’re supposed to brown the onion for soups, but tbh I just throw it all in at once and simmer it for an hour or so.)

    11. Wrench Turner*

      If you have access to a bbq (a gas stove will work but its’ more work) make a bunch of grilled corn on the cob and then cut the corn off. It adds a great smokey/sweet element to soups, cornbread and biscuits too. Other veggies that retain their structure when cooked – zucchini, peppers, large onion slices- are also good for this prep technique and I make them in batches.

      Otherwise I just throw everything in the slow cooker and leave it for the day. Just about anything you can think of will make a good soup. I also almost always use the base of 2:1:1 onions : carrots : celery along with veggie stock.

    12. Red Reader*

      I do a cheater’s minestrone – 2 cans kidney beans, a big can of diced stewed tomatoes, and a bag of frozen mixed veg, plus enough vegetable broth to get the consistency I want, all in the crockpot for a couple hours. Add Italian seasoning, garlic, and a bit of black pepper. I make the pasta separately and add it to each serving because I hate mushy pasta, but you could cook it in the soup too for flavor. It’s def not fancy, but it’s dirt cheap and easy as heck.

    15. Detective Amy Santiago*

      You can replace half the potatoes in a potato soup recipe with cauliflower and it is healthier and doesn’t taste any different. Get one of those stick blenders :)

    16. Mela*

      I really like this veggie chili: https://www.cookingclassy.com/quinoa-chili/
      Also white chicken chili, but I don’t know what I’d sub out for the chicken.

      I also do a veggie version of Portuguese soup: onions, garlic, potatoes, kale/leeks, white beans. The sausage is optional and imo not necessary.

      Pureed soups of any kind are always delicious, butternut, pumpkin, carrot. I wouldn’t call borsht easy but it is delicious.

    17. Jalad*

      Coconut milk red lentil soup – throw a can of coconut milk, a cup and a half of red lentils (or more or less depending how much soup you want), some curry powder, carrots, and onion in a pot. Add water (I think I start with about 2 cups and end up adding some more towards the end, but I also like it as more of a stew than a soup really.) Simmer for like 40 mins or so until the lentils are cooked. I am going to make a batch tomorrow!

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I started some of this in my crock pot this morning as soon as I read this comment, and now it’s ready to eat! I’ve been out and about all day, so it’s nice to come home to a delicious pot of soup. It smells wonderful.

    19. Mephyle*

      From this article on making soup for a large crowd. Of course it can easily be scaled down.
      “First, melt as much butter as you can spare plus some olive oil, or just olive oil if you haven’t got butter, at the bottom of a gigantic pot. Then add a thick layer of sliced onions and garlic — you can fill the pot about a quarter full, because of how much the onions cook down. Add bay leaves and a bunch of thyme, which you’ll fish out later if you remember to. Add a bit of salt, to help onions cook down, but not too much — you can always add salt, but you can’t take it out, so it’s best to season at the end.
      “When the onions are translucent*, fill the pot almost full of cut-up vegetables — not a random motley combination of veggies if you can help it, maybe one or two thematically linked vegetables. Broccoli and cauliflower. Leeks and potatoes. A bunch of cans of corn, in a pinch. Potatoes or turnips are always a welcome addition. Your goal is to make as much of everything as possible, so as you eyeball quantities, always err on the side of more. Last Thursday the vegetables were squash, rutabagas and potatoes.
      “Add liquid — stock if you’ve got it, but in all likelihood water — just to cover, bring to a boil (this might take approx. forever), then reduce the heat to a simmer while you make everything else.
      “When the rest of the meal is cooked, finish the soup by partly pureeing it. An immersion blender does a great job of this, and if you forgot to remove the thyme bunch it’ll do that for you by winding the twigs around its blade. A potato masher works too. If you’re adding milk, cheese or sour cream, now is the time, but don’t bring the soup back to a boil after this addition — it might curdle. Season with salt and pepper.”
      ——-
      * If you sauté the onions beyond translucent – until they are golden, with a few pieces starting to brown – it gives the soup a deeper flavour.

    20. Triplestep*

      No recipe, but a tip: We make and freeze soups in those square plastic containers you can get in the “wraps’ section of the grocery store. When you are ready to defrost, place in the microwave for a couple of minutes until the sop slides easily out of the plastic container into a glass bowl. Then continue to heat in the glass bowl until the soup gets to the right temperature. You might want to take it out part-way through and kind of chop up the still-frozen pieces.

      I haven’t noticed a change in the taste, but I find this makes the plastic containers easier to clean and they also last longer in better condition.

    21. D.W.*

      Lentils! Soak for at least 1hr, sauté desires vegetables, cover with water or vegetable stock and simmer until done. About 30-40min.

      I like to start with olive oil and cumin seeds, then add carrots, celery, onions, potatoes (sweet or other) saute for 4min. Add in fennel seeds and garlic, sauté for a 1-2min. Add lentils, cover with liquid. Simmer. Finish with smoked paprika, ground cumin, braggs liquid amino, Cayenne, and a healthy bunch of greens (spinach, kale, cabbage, whatever). Whip up some cornbread and that’s it!

    22. JJtheDoc*

      My favorite go-to soup (for days when I have to cook and just don’t wanna!)
      1 carton roasted red pepper & tomato soup
      1 sml onion, peeled and chopped
      1 C frozen corn (my local Trade Joe’s has frozen grilled corn, which is really good!)
      1 can cuban-style black beans, drained of most of the liquid, never rinsed
      1/2 C medium or hot salsa of choice (try if first with medium; some salsas get really hot when cooked!)
      Combine in crock pot on high for 2 hours, low for as long as you need. Serve with a dollop of almond/coconut or soy yogurt and some chopped parsley or green onion.

    23. The Principal of the Thing*

      My favourite veggie soup recipe has a few steps but is definitely worth it.

      Lightly pan fry some onions and garlic until just browned – I use margarine instead of oil for this – and then add in some finely chopped celery and zucchini and fry until soft. I then tip these into the slow cooker and add vegetable stock after swishing the stock in the used frypan to pick up that browned marg.

      Then I add whatever vegetables I like to the pot, just using up what’s in the fridge. It’s a great way to use up veg that you know isn’t at its best in terms of steaming and eating. Always carrots and more celery though!

      Then I just walk away and let it slow cook for the day. About half an hour before serving I add a teaspoon or two of roast chilli jam. (I use one from a local place called Peggy’s Pantry) This really gives the soup a warm kick for those cold winters days. And the I serve it with bread because I can’t live without bread. :)

    27. Lore*

      This is my perfect mushroom barley soup. It’s heavy on the barley and veggies so add more stock or less barley if you like a brothier soup.
      3 tbs butter or olive oil
      1 lb mushrooms, sliced (any kind–I usually use the baby bellas)
      1/3 c dried mushrooms (shiitakes or porcini–they add flavor but they’re not essential)
      2 small carrots, sliced thin
      1 parsnip, sliced thin
      2 stalks of celery, chopped
      2 small onions, chopped
      1 large-ish shallot, chopped (also can be left out, or substituted with another onion)
      2 cloves garlic, chopped (or one large one)
      1 cup pearl barley, rinsed
      8 cups vegetable stock (or water)
      1/4 cup chopped parsley
      1-2 tbs chopped dill
      salt and pepper to taste

      Saute all the vegetables and the barley in the olive oil until the onions are a little soft and the mushrooms are browned and have cooked down substantially–about 15-20 minutes. It’s kind of an enormous volume of vegetables so it does take a bit of stirring to get them all cooked.

      Add the stock or water and bring to a boil. Simmer until the barley is tender–about 35/40 minutes, seasoning w/salt and pepper periodically. Once the barley is tender, add dill and parsley and simmer for 3-4 more minutes.

      a lot of chopping, but a very tasty result, and pretty fast for soup. Not sure if it would work in a crock pot–the sauté on the veggies is pretty crucial.

    28. TiffIf*

      I love making potato soup to store and reheat later:

      Saute onions and garlic in oil of your choice.
      Add diced potatoes (I usually skin them but that isn’t mandatory, just scrub them well), carrots and celery.
      Cover with water or broth (I generally like a ham broth with this but vegetable broth or just water will work fine).
      Simmer until potatoes are tinder. Put about 1/3 the contents of the pot (broth+potatoes and other veggies) into a blender. Puree. Pour it back into the pot and stir it all together. This gives you a creamier (dairy-free) soup base with some potato vegetable chunks as well.
      I like to add ham chunks in, but obviously leave that out if you want it vegetarian.
      You can switch up or add other vegetables as well–I’ve used parsnips and sweet potatoes in it too.

      1. TiffIf*

        Forgot to say:
        Salt and pepper to taste
        Add herbs/spices to your liking–I really like using rosemary and sage in my potato soup.

    29. AnonEMoose*

      More of a couple of recommendations than a recipe. I just got an Instant Pot (multi-use countertop appliance that can function as a pressure cooker, a slow cooker, a rice cooker, and several other things), and so far it is amazing. Plus there are a ton of recipes for soup and lots of other vegetarian goodies.

      Also, if you’re not familiar with Penzey’s Spices, check them out – if they don’t have a store near you, you can order online. They also have a vegetarian soup base that might be useful to you (it’s basically a paste that you mix with hot water to make the amount of broth you want).

      Best of luck with your soup experiments!

      1. TiffIf*

        I am going to get myself an Instant Pot! Right now I am waiting to see what black Friday sale prices look like for them, but I have $65 in Amazon gift cards that I am saving specifically for this purpose.

    31. GermanGirl*

      My favorite is this pumpkin soup:
      1 Hokkaido pumpkin about 2 pounds (my recipe says 800g feeds 4 but I just eyeball it anyway)
      1 onion
      5 cm or 2 inches of ginger
      2 carrots
      1 apple
      1 liter (1/4 gallon) of vegetable broth
      250g (half a pound) of sour cream
      Salt & pepper

      Step 0 – do this after breakfast if you want to make the soup for lunch.
      Wash the pumpkin. Cut anything off that looks woody, but leave any good looking peel on it. Put the pumpkin in the oven for a bit to soften it up – I’ll do mine at 150°C (300°F) for 30 minutes but I don’t preheat the oven. Then take it out and let it cool down.

      Step 1 – about half an hour before lunch. Cut softened pumpkin in half, use a tablespoon to take out the seeds. Dice the rest of the pumpkin to a size that your puree-device of choice can handle.
      Wash & cut the apple. I usually don’t peel the pumpkin and the apple. Peel, wash, and cut the carrots, onion and ginger.
      The ginger dice should be as small as you can make them.

      Step 2) Take out a somewhat big pot (mine holds a gallon I think), put a little bit of oil in it (I use sunflower seed oil) and fry the onion dice until they start to look glassy. Add the ginger dice and continue frying until the onion dice look done (glassy and just starting to get brown).

      Step 3) Add the pumpkin, carrots, apple and the vegetable broth (I use instant vegetable broth but I’m told you can make your own). All vegetables should at least touch the broth. If not, push them down. Still not? Add some water.
      Get the whole mixture to boil then turn down the heat to just below boiling and let it cook for 20 minutes.

      Step 4) get out your handheld blender or whatever you want to use and puree it.
      Then add the sour cream, stirr or purree some more.

      Step 5) Taste and add salt and pepper as you like.

      I like to serve it with baguette. The ginger gets stronger the longer you let it sit, so if you like stronger ginger flavor, add more ginger and/or prepare one day in advance and then reheat before eating. This soup also does well in the freezer.

    33. Garland Not Andrews*

      I’m really late to the game, but here is my version of Three Sisters Soup

      Three Sisters Soup

      1 sm – med butternut squash, peeled & diced ~ 1″ cubes
      (prick with a fork and microwave the whole squash for one minute to make it MUCH easier to peel)
      2 cans veggie broth
      1 can whole corn
      1 can whole beans (I use white beans for their mild taste)
      1 rib celery diced
      1 sm onion diced
      1/2 tsp rubbed sage
      1 TBSP Butter (optional)
      1 pinch nutmeg
      In a medium pan (heavy is best) put the squash cubes and broth, simmer until the squash is tender, about 30-60 minutes. Using an immersion blender or potato masher, blend up most or all of the squash. Meanwhile, in a separate skillet saute the celery and onion in a bit of olive or other mild oil, add to the blended squash. Add the corn and beans, you may drain or add the liquid, depending on how thick the soup already is. Add the sage and butter if using. Finish with a sprinkle of nutmeg. Very very good!

    1. Tassie Tiger*

      Hmm, I like egg-white omelettes! You can make anything the filling, in fact, you could go to the salad bar in the supermarket and pick up pre-chopped veggies for filling.

    2. Thlayli*

      Plain-ish food can be cooked quickly. There are loads of “hacks” online about how to cook poratoes or couscous quickly in the microwave with little prep. Boil in a bag rice is really easy.
      Fish can be poached in milk really quickly – put in a pot or pan and jut cover with milk, bring to boil then turn down to simmer for 4 mins and you’re done. Season the milk and fish before hand whatever way you like (salt and lemon juice can be added after but pepper or chilli or any other spice will probably be nicer if you add it to milk before. Diced chicken can also be boiled in water very quickly if cut into lumps about half an inch square. Fish can be baked or grilled very fast. I like to make individual tin foil packs for each fish fillet and put lemon and pepper and salt and a little olive oil rubbed over the fish then grill or bake in the oven.
      Frozen veg is just as good as the regular kind. Put in a microwaveable container cover with water and microwave for 5 minutes.
      I like to buy plain pizzas – the cheap ones with very little sauce or cheese and top with fresh veg and maybe some ham if you don’t like veggie pizza, then sprinkle on a bit of extra cheese. Some places also sell pizza bases and you can buy passata in a can or box and make your own pizza from that. Red meat can be grilled quickly and easily or fried which is yummy but less healthy.

    3. Drew*

      This may not count as a “recipe” per se, but I’ve really been enjoying various flavors of hummus with sweet grape tomatoes, baby carrots, and pita chips. (The pita chips aren’t super healthy, granted, but they’re also dense so I don’t eat a lot of them.) I can pick those up at my local grocery on my way home and one batch of hummus usually lasts two or three meals. Useful for a lazy guy like me!

    5. K.*

      Fish filets bake very quickly – 10 minutes or so at 400, depending on the thickness. Steam some veggies while the fish is in the oven and you’re good to go. Couscous cooks in five minutes.

    6. Jen in Oregon*

      My go to salad:
      Lettuce (usually earthbound organics)
      Grape or cherry tomatoes, halved or quartered
      Feta
      Capers
      Balsamic vinaigrette
      Trader Joe’s “just grilled chicken”

      For the vinaigrette: 1part vinegar to 2 parts Olive oil, then add a squeeze of lemon or lime and a tsp or so of mustard (I’m loving terrain ridge farms smokey onion at the moment)

      1. Kerr*

        TJ’s “just grilled chicken” (the frozen strips) is such a time-saver! I use it in salads, stir-fry dishes, and fajitas.

        Omelettes or scrambled eggs with veggies are my go-to “I need sleep, but I also need dinner” meal. Extremely versatile, and only one pan gets dirty. Fried eggs with toppings added while cooking are even easier. (Toppings include salsa, cheese, green onions, tomatoes, berries, spinach, pesto.) Slide the eggs onto toast for something more substantial.

        Tacos/burritos are easy, especially if you pre-cook a bunch of chicken or ground beef (and beans are even easier if vegetarian). Julienne peppers and onions, stir-fry with protein of choice and chili powder, and done. I consider tacos to be an “everything but the kitchen sink” base recipe, and you can completely switch up the vegetables, cheeses, etc. depending on what needs to be used up.

    9. TiffIf*

      Honestly–I love sandwiches. Have some bread, mayo and cold cuts on hand with tomatoes with leafy green of your choice (I prefer spinach to lettuce on sandwiches) and some onions or sprouts. Throwing together a sandwich is easy. Don’t overdo the bread or condiments and stick to one or two slices of cheese and its pretty healthy!

    10. Lissa*

      I sautee mushrooms and onions with some garlic, add white beans, then add spinach at the end so it just wilts. Sometimes I also add sausage though I try to only eat meat a couple times a week, so often I don’t. Sometimes I do just the veggies and add balsamic vinegar.

    11. Jade*

      Can of diced tomatoes – plain, seasoned, fire-roasted, whatever
      Can of beans, at least partially drained, any type
      Can of corn or about 2 cups of frozen

      Add any type of seasoning: chili, Italian, curry, garam masala; get creative. Maybe a pat of butter. Maybe saute some onions or garlic or peppers before adding the rest. Simmer on stove or bake in oven. Could microwave but the other two ways seem better to me. Top with cheese if you want.

      Simple, fast, and ingredients can be easily kept on hand.

  4. Sarah G*

    Hey there – Anyone else affected by the CA wildfires? Or been through similar circumstances? I live in Santa Rosa and it’s been a devastating week. I was evacuated at 3am Mon morning, and was able to return home tonight when my mandatory evacuation zone was downgraded to advisory evacuation, but the air quality is horrible as my place was very near (less than a mile) from areas that were decimated. I work in social services, and my co-worker posted this on facebook today, which really captures our reality at the moment:
    We walk around in masks, and know what N95 means
    We regularly ask if you “saw flames or just smoke”
    We gather in parking lots to watch our hillside, discuss “back fire,” and argue over white vs black smoke
    We end conversations with strangers with “Be Safe”
    We have stayed off the roads when possible, and feel anxious the further away and the longer away from home we get
    We get ash on ourselves just being outside a minute
    We hear helicopters and sirens REGULARLY
    We see emergency and military vehicles constantly, and coming from all over the Bay Area
    We haven’t hiked, walked at the lake, run, or picnicked in DAYS – daily activities and stress reliefs for many of us
    We have had our stuff packed and been on alert for days in a row
    We spend the night at different places
    We have limited clothes at times
    We live minute to minute, and thus can’t plan easily
    We are sleep deprived, exercise deprived, OUTSIDE deprived
    We are stressed, shell shocked, relieved, grateful, guilty (why is my home spared?), worried, unknowing if home is gone
    We have been stripped of our routine, belongings, and control
    We listen to the radio
    We argue a LOT with loved ones about evacuating or not
    We don’t know quite know what to do
    We are in coping / helping mode and haven’t quite wrapped our mind around this
    We’re even more SENTIMENTAL and NOSTALGIC than usual
    We worry about not only losing our adult home, but our childhood home, grandparents home, parks we played at as kids and as adults, parks we take our kids / nieces / nephews too
    In Sonoma County you’ll see
    Thick smoke, burned hills and neighborhoods, intersections without lights (stop at these), barricades ready to be put up, middle lanes blocked for emergency vehicles, closed stores, distracted and overwhelmed customer services people – BE NICE, emptier streets, closed stores, and emergency vehicles from ALL OVER NORCAL
    You’ll see “THANK YOU” SIGNS EVERYWHERE for our first responders and emergency personnel
    You’ll see our typical SoCo generosity
    Wear a mask if you can
    Drive cautiously and stop at intersections even if lights are out
    Don’t drive in the Left Lane – or at least always check the rearview mirror for emergency vehicles coming behind you
    If you see a horse trailer give it some room. They aren’t going on a trail ride – they are evacuating livestock.
    Check where there are road closures – and know that info is impossible to be completely up to the minute accurate
    Be patient
    Sonoma County is pretty beat up right now, but she’s still her awesome self~
    Grace Villafuerte
    10/12/2017
    Katie Clarke Boyd:
    We grieve, for our own losses and the great many losses of others. We are physically a mess… Hoarse from the smoke and ill from the sustained adrenaline rushes we go through for days. We feel helpless and don’t know how to accept help. We love this place we call home.

    1. Sarah G*

      I should say I am SO grateful my home is still standing. But to evacuate at 3am with thick smoke and flaming embers everywhere, barely able to get out of my neighborhood through traffic and smoke, I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. I’ve been working in emergency shelters, and my normal job is working with disabled clients, some of whom need medical equipment replaced because theirs went up in flames. One client couldn’t get the oxygen he needs — I spent much of yesterday trying to help with that. So much loss everywhere, so much collective trauma and grief. But so much kindness, grace, and generosity too. The kindness around me has touched me deeply.

    2. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Sarah, I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I have friends from your area who have been evacuated as well and I know at least one of them has lost their home and everything in it. We’re far enough south that we’re only covered in ash and breathing the horrible air but it keeps the fires and the people affected top of my mind even more than usual.

      Since you’re directly involved, is there any recommendation you’d give for where help is most needed and may not be getting enough support?

      1. Sarah G*

        Thank you for your kind words, and sorry about your friends evacuating and losing their homes. The tears just keep coming. I don’t know that there is specific areas of assistance that aren’t getting enough support (that may come later, after the initial crisis mode), but if you are looking to donate, the Redwood Empire Food Bank is supplying food to the emergency shelters and is always a good cause: http://refb.org/
        And the Redwood Credit Union has set up a fund where 100% of donations will go to fire victims: https://www.redwoodcu.org/northbayfirerelief
        Those are the two local charities I trust most and where I will be giving when I catch my breath.

    3. Junior Dev*

      Hugs. I live farther from the fires that happened in my area earlier this year but I still had the dust masks and the awful smoke and ash everywhere. You’re being so strong and helping people, and that’s wonderful.

    4. SL #2*

      My coworker’s parents lost the family home and the entire neighborhood in Santa Rosa. They were able to get out just in time, but it’s still devastating–they escaped with one of their two cats and the clothes on their backs in the middle of the night, and nothing else. I’m glad to hear you’re okay. Good thoughts to you and everyone else affected by the fire; everyone in Southern California knows someone up north and we feel this as much as you do.

    5. Engineer Girl*

      I live 100 miles south of you and am having air quality issues. I tried exercising outside and got a headache. That says something about the size and extent of the fires! I’m boggled.
      I feel badly that there’s little to do from this side except donate and offer empathy.

    6. Risa*

      I’m in Marin, and close enough to the Hwy 37 fire that Monday was very concerning.
      One coworker lost everything in Santa Rosa; two other coworkers have evacuated and don’t know if their homes in Napa are still standing.
      People have lost homes and businesses. The impact on the wine industry is going to be devastating for years – I worry about those who not only have lost their homes, but also their livelihoods because the vineyards are burning and some wineries are completely gone.
      The air quality in all of the bay area is terrible – my asthma has been acting up all week; but it’s nothing to deal with compared to what others are going through. I just long for some fresh air! It’s so easy to take for granted everything we have each day.
      We’ve lost so many people to these fires – more than 30 at the last count I saw – and hundreds are still missing. The heartbreak in the area is palpable.
      The sense of community and the desire to help others that this has fostered is the only thing I can find comfort in when I think of all the loss. Neighbors are helping neighbors; strangers are giving anything they can to help strangers.
      I’ve honestly never seen anything quite like this before – it’s overwhelming and surreal at the same time.

    7. Bryce*

      Cerro Grande in 2000, a “controlled” burn that wasn’t. Something like 400 homes lost, a bunch more damaged, and everyone was affected in some way or another. A few moments of it stand out in my mind, and fortunately they’re all ones I’m proud of.
      –For background, what is traditionally called “Los Alamos” is actually two towns, LA and White Rock, with about ten miles of mountain road between them. When evacuation sounded for LA, about half the town went down to WR either in the hope that it would blow over quickly or as a chance to regroup and figure out where they were actually going to go. So when evac sounded for WR (where I lived) at about 1 in the morning, we had a town and a half full of people to get out along a single road. Most of us didn’t get out until after dawn, my family were some of the last ones out around noon. What I’m proud of is how we handled the evacuation. Unlike LA it wasn’t an imminent danger evac but a precautionary one so we knew we had time, and nobody panicked. Nobody honked, nobody tried to push ahead, all in the same boat so we just lined up and waited and took care of each other. Mom sent my brother and I on our bikes to check on some people we knew were living alone, make sure they knew about it and had a plan, and on the way back we both independently had the idea to note where traffic was moving and let folks know progress was being made.
      –While the internet existed, this was back before it was as universal as it is today. No wireless, no facebook, no standardized ways of reaching people. The local radio station stayed behind to collect info and keep people informed, and one of my classmates stayed with them to manage their website. He built a database for people to check in, provide contact info, et cetera. With the TV news in the habit of repeating any drama they had and showing the same house on fire constantly, this was an incredibly useful way of getting actual information.
      –The fire happened about a month or so before high school graduation, and when dealing with the aftermath a lot of us felt like we were abandoning the town, going off to college. At graduation one of the speakers tried to label us “the class of Cerro Grande” and everybody booed. I have never been prouder of a boo in my life.

      Having lived through that, I wish there were something I could say to make it easier for you. All I can say is that even if the worst happens, life will go on. Take care of yourself, take care of the people around you, they can’t be replaced. And if you do need to evacuate, find something to do. It is so easy to become a tragedy zombie, pinned to the television watching the same bad news get repeated over and over and over. That won’t change anything, it will only destroy you. I’ve been there, it’s not easy to turn away, but you need to.

    8. MommaCat*

      I’m about an hour or so inland from you, and I know so many people effected by the fires. Our air quality has been horrible, too; two days ago I walked outside in the morning thinking there was fog, but no, it was all that smoke getting bogged down in the valley. I’m praying that we get that rain that’s forecast for Thursday to damp down the fires. Be safe.

    9. OperaArt*

      About 75 miles away from you, in the East Bay. The people here want so desperately to help.
      I just ordered some good masks online because the air quality here is bad, even so far away from the fires. It’s being compared to Beijing. I can’t imagine what it’s like where you’re at.

    11. SeekingBetter*

      I’m so sorry to hear about all of this. I don’t know what you are going through because I don’t live in the area but reading your description of what has been going on is painful. I have a friend that lives in CA but near San Francisco’s east side so I know she isn’t directly affected. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    12. Mimmy*

      I’m on the other side of the country, thank god, and am keeping all of you in my thoughts. Sure, these wild fires happen regularly, but this go-round seems particularly heartbreaking. Please be safe.

    13. Shrunken Hippo*

      *Hugs*
      I’m from BC and my small town is almost always under an evacuation warning every summer. It’s terrifying and I can’t even imagine what it would be like if we actually had to leave. I hope you stay safe and the fires get under control soon.

    14. Newbie Manager*

      I lived in Santa Rosa until I finished college, and watching this from DC is heartbreaking. Some of our oldest friends lost absolutely everything; family members off Highway 12 are still waiting to see if their house made it or not. The indefinite nature of ongoing, uncontained fires makes this disaster even harder than an earthquake.

      We see you and are sending strength, courage, and hope.

    15. Not So NewReader*

      CA: You guys are in our hearts and minds constantly. If wishes were water those fires would be long gone by now.

    16. CAA*

      I’m so sorry for all the loss. I was visiting my Mom just south of Sonoma when the fires broke out this week and the smoke there was horrible. We have lots of family friends and old school mates living in the affected areas and we’re still trying to find out if everyone is o.k. The devastation is just horrific.

    17. Sarah G*

      Thank you to everyone for your responses. I appreciate all the kind words, tips, and support — it all helps. For those of you affected by these fires or by others (i.e. Cerro Grande), I am so sorry for the loss and trauma you and your community have experienced/are experiencing. And for the unknown, waiting-to-hear-if-your-house-is-still-standing fear of what is to come.
      For those wanting to check on specific homes in the Santa Rosa area, someone created this satellite fire map 10/11/17 — it won’t capture the more recent damage, but it does capture a lot of the evacuation zone (Fountaingrove, Coffey Park, etc) and allows you to search by address, click to see before/after, etc. It’s the best tool I’ve seen for figuring out what is still standing. On a Mac, I had to use Safari to view it. Not sure about PC. https://www.kapwing.com/sonoma-county-fire-map
      For those of you who want to donate, the local charities I recommend are Redwood Empire Food Bank, who is supplying food to the emergency shelters and is always a good cause: http://refb.org/
      And the Redwood Credit Union has set up a fund where 100% of donations will go to fire victims: https://www.redwoodcu.org/northbayfirerelief
      These are two local charities I trust in regards to the fire and where I will be giving when I catch my breath.

      1. Sarah G*

        On a side note, I may be without gas service for some time, so if anyone has any suggestions for (vegetarian) microwave cooking or microwave recipes, feel free to share!

    18. Janelle*

      We were in Napa for the PGA tournament and evacuated there. Then came home to being evacuated in OC. I am so tired. Air quality is better here so we are home but it’s been crazy.

      1. Sarah G*

        Wow, sorry to hear you were evacuated from your vacation and then also your home. Hope things improve soon.

    19. Pam*

      Glad you’re safe. I’m in SoCal, but my niece lives/works in Sonoma, and has been evacuated.

      Scary!

    20. Elizabeth West*

      **HUGS** and tons of these (good vibes): ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      I have some friends around the area (all safe!) and it’s been unreal. My chat friend’s parents lost their house and everything around it. :(

    21. LizB*

      I’m glad you’re safe, and I hope things take a turn for the better soon. The summer camp I went to as a child was destroyed in the fire (buildings only, thankfully all staff are safe). I didn’t quite realize how much it still meant to me until it was gone.

    22. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

      It’s so horrible. We had forest fires two years in a row in my home town but they weren’t nearly as bad. I’m sorry for everyone that’s been affected by the fires this year.

  5. H.C.*

    Thanks for all the great recs for Kansas City two weeks ago ( https://www.askamanager.org/2017/09/weekend-free-for-all-september-30-october-1-2017.html#comment-1665075 ), had a splendid time vacationing in the city and its various neighborhoods & suburbs. Thoroughly enjoyed the museums (went to Nelson-Atkins, Kemper, American Jazz & World War I Memorial – all excellent), the music scene (particularly the jazzy tunes going into the wee hours at Green Lady Lounge & The Blue Room), the assorted watering holes (from the larger-than-expected Boulevard Brewing, to novelty speakeasies like TikiCat & Manifesto, and cute coffeehouses such as Quay & Roasterie) and of course, the barbecue (Went to at least one spot a day; my favorites were Joe’s & Woodyard’s). Also loved the eating options by City Market, as well as some Christopher Elbow chocolates to bring back as edible souvenirs.

    There was definitely no shortage of stuff to see, do, eat & drink during my five-day stay; I would opt to stay an extra day or two, but on my last day a storm rolled in and there was a deluge – so extra glad I return when I did. Definitely looking forward to another trip there in the future. Thanks again for your pointers to “The Paris of the Plains”.

    1. Mischa*

      I’m so glad to hear! Kansas City is a wonderful place and it always makes me so happy when people have a good time here.

      Haven’t heard of TikiCat, I’ll have to add that to my list.

  6. Julia*

    I have finally reached a point in my life where my social life is super fulfilling and I feel good about my friendships, but I am so busy this semester I need to turn people down. :(

    Plus, we’ll move back to Europe when I graduate and while my family lives there, I have almost no friends and am scared I won’t make as many good friends as I have here. Which will be especially sad because I’m so happy with the life I have now, but we can’t stay here because we both hate working in Japan, and I do want to live closer to my grandma while she’s still alive (she’s 95.)

    I know there’s no point in worrying about the future, but I have an anxiety disorder that stems from a period in my life where I felt extremely isolated and so depressed I almost died – I know now that some of it was grad school and some of it was hormones, but there’s still a part of me that’s terrified of over feeling that way again, even though I used to be someone who was pretty okay with being alone before.

    1. Christy*

      As someone with an anxiety disorder, I bet you’ll be surprised and proud of yourself at how well you cope. I’m assuming you’re treating your anxiety–it sounds like you’re on top of your mental health and you’re pretty self-aware. You have the coping skills. You have learned how to make friends in a new place–you’ve obviously done it in Japan, now you can do it when you return to Europe. Just pretend Europe is brand new to you! I bet a lot of the skills will transfer.

      (As context, I had the worst anxiety of my life a few weeks ago. I really didn’t want to take a Xanax. (I was hungover, I had missed my daily Wellbutrin, and I had a big presentation to give.) I realized I was feeling anxiety (rather than hangover) and after labeling it I pep talked my way through the morning. Literally–I just chattered to myself about “ok, we’re gonna get out of bed. We have coping skills. We exercise, we eat healthy, we went to therapy, we usually take medication. We’re gonna get up and go to the bathroom. We have coping skills…” It sucked but it worked! I coped and I got through it. And the day was ok. And given where I started, ok was great.

      What I’m saying is, you can do it. And you don’t even need my pep talk. The skills are already within you.

      1. Julia*

        Thank you!

        I am feeling pretty well at the moment because my life is what I want from it (other than my family being far away) and I’m getting somewhere with grad school, plus I’m on meds and I meditate. (I’m taking a little break from therapy because it wasn’t getting me anywhere right now, as I’m feeling mostly good and I’m super busy with grad school.)

        I think my fear is not having the life I want. As I grow older, I realize a lot of my limitations – I won’t ever be in a musical, for example. I’m also not sure I’ll be able to have kids. I know that many people don’t get everything they want, but I always wonder how they deal with that without getting too sad. Like, a friend of mine wants to get married but can’t find anyone, and I feel so guilty because I am married, and worried about life’s unfairness meaning I might lose what I have now. It seems so out of my control. I have coping skills and I have made it through some really tough times, but I also don’t want to spend my life just coping, I want to enjoy it a little and have meaningful relationships.

        I also don’t know why, but I had a much easier time making friends in Japan, whereas in Europe, I was bullied and ostracized a lot growing up, and I don’t seem to click with too many people.

        1. Christy*

          Well, it might be that expats make friends easier? My wife went to high school on a military base and military brats are very good at making fast friends. Plus you’re not a kid anymore! Kid me was awkward as anything, but adult me is awesome.

          Also mostly unrelated but unless you are literally tone deaf you could probably be in a community theatre musical someday. Do they have community theatre in Europe? (God that question sounds dumb but really I have no idea.) Community theatre has a ton of enthusiastic mediocre performers in ensembles, and I bet you could find one for yourself.

          This is also mostly unrelated, but I think it can be harmful when we fixate on something we want that we have no control over. Like, say, finding someone to marry–they are an independent person who has to want to marry you too. I have a friend who decided to study geology and then decided to like geology, in that order. She figured she may as well like it. She has a really happy life! Better than my friend who studied theatre because he loves it but is still a struggling actor and is often unhappy.

          1. Isobel*

            Slight tangent…Europe is a big place but there are lots of community theatre groups in the UK (often known as am-dram). Quite common in Germany I think? And there is the International Amateur Theatre Association.

            1. Julia*

              Thank you both! I’m not sure where in Europe we’ll move, but I’ll keep my eyes open. I almost joined an amateur musical group in Switzerland, but couldn’t makle it work timing-wise.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          ” I know that many people don’t get everything they want, but I always wonder how they deal with that without getting too sad.”

          Just speaking as one person, I get sad about some stuff. And then other stuff turns out way better than ever expected. More importantly, I have grown to cherish what I do have and the dream stuff became less important. Sure I still get sad, but it does not slow me down in part because other people are going through the same sense of loss of dreams and in part because what I do have keeps me plenty busy.
          Eat good foods, rest, hydrate, exercise when possible. This things become the cornerstones of our lives and carry us through the ups and the downs.

          What we think is important now, may change and that is okay. Sometimes we let go of dreams willingly because we find something better. Sometimes we actual reach a dream goal and find out it’s not what we wanted so we change. And sometimes dreams change because life changes, such as you adopt your relative’s orphaned child and your world gets turned upside down (I know several people who have done t his). And it’s all okay with you.

          You will have the life you want. Because each step of the way you will have choices. As you make your selections you will pick things that work well now or work well in the long run.

          “I feel so guilty because I am married, and worried about life’s unfairness meaning I might lose what I have now.” Speaking as a person who was widowed at 45, yes, it is possible that you could lose “everything” or lose what is most important to you. That is true. IF this happens, and that is a HUGE IF, the secret to getting through it is to allow others to help you. Say yes, even when you head is screaming NO. Your friends and your loved ones can carry you through unbelieveable piles of crap, if you allow them to help you. Embarrassed about the idea of receiving help? Then start now, help others and watch them as you help. They will teach you how to be a gracious recipient. They will teach you how to get maximum use out of little helps here and there.

          Last. Believe. Believe that eventually we get what we want. We may not have it all at the same time. For example, I lost the best dog I have ever had in life and then found a good job with a great boss. No, we don’t always have it all at once, but know for a fact that it will come along at some point. It is out of our control. Decide to become an opportunist. Be on the watch for meaningful opportunities, because good opportunities will appear from time to time. And when you see those opportunities find ways to weave the opportunity into your life.

          1. Julia*

            Thank you, for this comment and for last week.

            The more I think about it, the more I remember how much stuff I have already dealt with successfully. I guess I know somewhere that I will be fine no matter what happens, but it’s still difficult to imagine going through something like losing your spouse. (I am so sorry that happened to you.)

            I think I also have some trust issues that were formed during my childhood, which are much better now, but it’s still hard for me to just rely on others – even though I consider myself a big helper.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              If you like helping you might like this little tidbit I recently learned. Sometimes the way to help other people is to allow them to help us. I like to use my father as an example. His life fell apart, my mother died, he faced bankruptcy, the dog had to be put down, someone stole his timber, and on and on. It was truly epic. He turned and helped a neighbor by volunteering to sit with her dying husband so she could do something else. The neighbor agreed. And in that moment my father with the shattered life, found that he DID have a purpose, his life DID have meaning. I am not sure that lady ever understood that she helped him more than he helped her. My pastor is fond of saying sometimes telling people “no, I don’t need help” is actually a selfish gesture because it deprives people of an opportunity to heal/reweave what is going on in their lives.

              Now that someone has explained this to me, I am seeing more and more examples on a smaller scale. There seems to be always another layer to the story.

  7. Corporate Cynic*

    What’s a good way to get people to RSVP to events without sounding like a nag? Having a housewarming tomorrow, and 16 people haven’t RSVPed. PaperlessPost was sent out 3 weeks ago, with a reminder/info last week (gently reminding people that we needed numbers to ensure enough food and drinks). I’m far from perfect but can’t imagine not responding to someone who’s invited me to his/her home!

    2. Engineer Girl*

      A lot of my friends like evite because it nags and sends reminders. It won’t help you this time but may help next time?

      1. Corporate Cynic*

        So does PP – I actually had it send a reminder today to all non-respondents and still haven’t heard back from about 12 now :-/

        1. Boötes*

          At the risk of sounding obnoxiously obvious, can you simply call them? I recall being so steeped in evites in the noughties that a phone call from a friend in 2008 inviting me to his party felt downright quaint. I went. Nowadays I avoid email as much as possible. A phone call lets me contextualize and humanize the request with vocal cues. It’s a chance to connect for a few minutes and perhaps schedule something with just them for some other time if they can’t make it that night.

        2. ampg*

          Heads up that recently I completely missed a paperless post invite from a friend because gmail didn’t send it to my primary inbox. Others may be experiencing that issue. Give em a call!

          1. Intrepid*

            I will also chime in that I sent a ton of paperless post invites for a party, and a good 25-33% of them were never delivered– one person actually followed up to ask me where it was, since he never got it.

    3. Thlayli*

      Send a text to each a few days before. People might not check their email as much but texts are harder to ignore.

    4. Temperance*

      Sometimes those PP invites can get filtered. I have missed a bunch. I think a personal email or text is a fine, lowkey follow-up.

      1. Corporate Cynic*

        All great suggestions! The main reason I’ve hesitated to follow up with calls/texts, though, is that PP has a tracking feature so I know that everyone’s opened the invite (and presumably, has seen the reminders as well). Why some STILL haven’t responded has baffled me – but I do think the ball is in their court. I guess I should focus on all the wonderful ppl who ARE coming – hope they have a great time! :-)

        1. Triplestep*

          House Warmings are thought of as gift-giving occasions, and since they know you’re not having a sit-down meal, they may be perceiving all the nudging the wrong way. I would just plan for more food than you need for the number who have said they’d attend, and figure on having left-overs. Even some of the people who RSVP’d yes might not show up – it will all even out.

          1. Housewarming plans*

            On a sort of similar note, I automatically think of a house warming as more of an open-house style, stop-by-if-you-can thing. Yours clearly isn’t, which is a totally reasonable way to set it up, but if I were your invitee, I might need an embarrassing amount of nudging, up to and including a very direct “I need a commitment from you one way or the other,” in order respond in a helpful way. Honestly, that directness would also help me make sure to follow through appropriately (I’d know a “yes” meant “I will for sure be there” vs “I’ll stop by if I’m able though will be actively trying to be able.”) Again, this is a reasonable way for you to want to do things, but if it’s as unexpected for your guests as it would be for me, they might just need a little more information and/or pushing to help them understand the situation.

            1. Triplestep*

              Good point about “open house” vs “house warming”. I’m over 50, so to me, “house warming” is a gift-giving occasion. It’s a throwback to the days when people lived at home with their parents longer and really needed stuff to set up their own homes. I think “Open House” does not have the same implication that gifts are required/expected. It’s more an invitation to “come see our house!”

        2. Boötes*

          It’s possible the invitees don’t know at this point whether they can confirm. Mood, food, energy, tough time these days so don’t know if they want to socialize, other external factors they’re needing to get confirmation on. Maybe they have a tense relationship lately with someone else on the guest list and are waiting to see whether that invitee confirms attendance. Point being, who knows why. I know how cruddy it feels when friends don’t extend the basic courtesy of a reply, but calling offers a chance to get your answer and possibly learn about things going on in their lives (if that’s where the conversation naturally goes, not a “Why aren’t you coming?” thing).

  8. Halp*

    I went out with someone to watch a play on Tuesday. We have texted on occasion for a few months, but this was the first time we spent time together. We didn’t talk much because we were at a play and I didn’t want to disturb anyone. Needless to say, it was awkward. I do want to see this person again, but it’s been almost a week and I haven’t heard from them. Would it be weird if I texted them? What should I say? I am over analyzing the smallest things.

    1. Lauren R*

      I definitely think you should text! It wouldn’t be weird at all, and they may not have texted yet for the same reason you haven’t and feel relieved you made the first move. I’d recommend just keeping it casual, like “Hey, I really enjoyed seeing you the other night! How are you? I hope (insert some event/project/etc they’ve mentioned) went well/is going well!” When they respond, you could mention that you wish you’d gotten the chance to talk more and suggest that you go for coffee/dinner next time – that may help you feel less awkward about the silence during the play (which isn’t weird at all by the way; I think most people would appreciate the fact that you were considerate and didn’t try to chat during the performance so try not to stress too much over that part if you can help it).

      I overanalyze all the time so I get where you’re coming from but in this case, I really don’t think you have anything to worry about. It’s easy to get so lost in all the worst case scenarios your brain comes up with that you miss your shot at a best case scenario. If you need some motivation to send the text, just try to imagine the relief and happiness you’ll feel if they text back to say how happy they are to hear from you! Good luck!!

    2. Boötes*

      Do you have a romantic interest? Or too early to tell, but you know you liked their presence? I used to attend plays with a friend then go for dessert to chat about it (& whatever else). It made for a lovely night out, and it felt right to connect after a shared experience like that. I liked having a culture buddy.

      Would something like “I like your company — want to check out another event or would you rather leave it at that? Either way have a great weekend”. Before you even compose it, consider taking a few moments to check in with how you feel with 1. “New event? Yeah!” 2. “just leave it at that’ or 3. nothing at all, as a practice emotional run through all the options. If any feel way worse than where you’re at now, it might be best to leave it as is, then be (we hope) pleasantly surprised if you hear from them.

      And perhaps in future outings with people, as you’re saying your goodbyes you can include “hey, i’ll text you on Xday (maybe about a similar thing that’s coming up next week or whatever fits the conversation)” to prevent that oh-so-common uncertainty about when — or even whether — to get in touch.

    3. Wrench Turner*

      First, thank you for supporting the performing arts. We need all the love we can get. Second, send them a text to see if they’re up for “something where we won’t have to sit in silence for hours.” Dinner, coffee, moonlit graveyard stroll. Whatever.

    4. fposte*

      Can you expand on the “Needless to say, it was awkward”? It sounds like a nice outing to me. Is it possible it was a nice outing?

      1. Halp*

        Well, neither of us talked much, so it felt awkward. I’m thinking maybe this person interpreted my quietness as me not liking them? When really, I just didn’t want to ruin the play for everyone else.

        1. Myrin*

          Well, I think it’s perfectly natural and normal to not talk while watching a play at the theatre! It’s one of the few things that seems to be universally acknowledged as annoying. Also, you say “we didn’t talk much”, meaning you weren’t the only quiet one – did you interpret their quietness as their not liking you very much?

          1. Halp*

            Yes, I did interpret it that way, because we didn’t talk much on the way back to the train station either. This person is shy, but I can’t tell if the quietness can be attributed to shyness or not liking me, so I’m hesistant to text for fear of not getting a response. Gah.

            1. fposte*

              What if you didn’t get a response and that was okay, because then you knew where you stood? I mean, that sounds like the silence of now without the torture of uncertainty, so an improvement to me. Texting him certainly won’t make him not like you if he already does like you.

        2. Fenchurch*

          I know this is long past the point that you will probably check in, but I’d recommend sending a short text saying

          “Hey, it was fun seeing (play) with you, let’s get drinks this week (or insert something more conducive to face-to-face talking like bowling, mini golf, wine & paint class)! I’d enjoy getting to know you more!”

          Really drive it home that you want to get to know them and want to do it in a setting where you two can talk.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      When I’ve gone to see movies on dates, the idea is that you go out for drinks or food afterward to talk about the movie. You have this one obvious thing to talk about and that keeps things from being awkward or too personal. Why didn’t you take any time to chat about the play after you saw it?

  9. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I saw my psychiatrist today and asked her if she thinks it’s ok to take Ativan as needed indefinitely. She is fine with it but wants to up the dose of my antidepressants.

    I went to get them filled but my insurance has lapsed since I lost my job and I need to fill out and send in the COBRA forms still, which I hadn’t because I needed money for the premium, and now my parents have sent me the money but I got sidetracked and had to do a bunch of stuff today and I still haven’t sent the forms in. I am busy volunteering all weekend too.

    There’s a bunch of other logistical stuff I need to do to deal with money and being unemployed and I’m feeling so overwhelmed and burned out and avoiding it all. I’ve been volunteering so much, writing articles for free and contributing to open source, amd I’m not sure I can keep it up.

    I think next week I need to stop doing fun sexy projects and focus on 1) getting paperwork and money stuff sorted 2) applying to actual paying jobs.

    I’m keeping myself so busy and it’s better than wallowing in depression but it’s starting to feel overwhelming, and I get so easily overwhelmed now.

    I started a new weight lifting program and it’s going well. I am getting one article published and I self published another. So I have stuff to be proud of but I could do a lot better at taking care of myself.

    How are you doing?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      You have a lot to be proud of! And it sounds like being busy has helped you get through this initial period – but like you say, self-care is important too.

      Focusing on paperwork sounds stressful but so important, especially if it means you can get your prescription filled. Would it help to break things down into really small steps and think about only one at a time? Like if you need to fill in a form, maybe focus first on just getting a pen.

      I’m doing a bit better this week after something of a recent dip. I also made a decision that’s been useful for my self-care. It’s going to sound really trivial but this has been part of my OCD and I’ve been… really unwell over it at times. Basically I decided not to use colour labels in my Outlook calendar any more. I get to pick one colour for the whole thing and that’s it. It’s been uncomfortable but liberating.

      I am sure some people will read this and think: you’re worried about your calendar, get a real problem? But I have, for example, sat up at 3am checking my calendar week by week from when I started this job to make sure nothing was the wrong colour. It’s not really about the calendar itself but the levels of anxiety and mental discomfort involved.

      This is one of the things I really hate about OCD: it creates problems that sound trivial, like “my calendar items might be the wrong colour”, and drives you completely mad over them.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Hugs. I’m sorry about the calendar thing. That sounds really stressful.

        I know what you mean about seemingly trivial stuff being a really big deal. I haven’t told a lot of people this, but I once had a serious bout of suicidal ideation triggered by potato salad.

        Basically, I was doing very badly with PTSD, struggling to hold down a job I could barely do because of my mental health and general life messiness, and I got it in my head that I was going to start batch cooking lunches instead of buying them at the cafeteria, to save money. So I got a big sack of potatoes and some vegan mayonnaise and made potato salad. It was gonna be proof that I could Handle my Life like a Real Adult. I was pretty broke and so the $20 or so I spent on ingredients for this project was a big portion of my food budget.

        It was bad. It was very bad. It tasted horrible and I was left with a giant vat of inedible potato salad. And this was proof I was a failure and I would never get it together and nothing I try works out and I might as well kill myself.

        Fortunately I did not try to do that, but I spent a few hours crying and being generally dysfunctional before I realized how ridiculous the whole thing was.

        So I guess the moral of the story is that brains are weird and sometimes they pick random things to fixate on and ruin your day over, and it sucks that you can’t easily convey to anyone how awful it was to have the dots on the calendar be the wrong color, but I get how it is when some random bullshit becomes the focus of everything that’s making you miserable and you just can’t let it go. It’s not really about the potato salad or the calendar or whatever, but you know that. It’s our brains having a weird meltdown, but despite all that you’re able to see that it’s not right and do some self-care to break the cycle, and that’s awesome.

        1. Amadeo*

          Even brains that aren’t suffering from an illness do this. I was working full time as a CVT and also trying to take night classes to get my graphic design degree (which meant I started my day at 7am, and it ended whenever I finished my homework after a 6-9 class). I had an assignment I needed to print out, it was 11pm and my printer ran out of ink. I was so tired, I just wanted to sleep, but I sat down in the floor and had a good cry before picking myself up and going to Walmart for the ink. It was the dumbest thing to cry over, but at that moment it was a culmination of stress.

          Hang in there!

        2. Ramona Flowers*

          I’m so sorry this happened to you but also grateful to you for sharing the experience because I can relate 100% to feeling suicidal over a failed recipe. Mine was a children’s gingerbread kit someone gave me as a present.

          I’m really glad you’re still here.

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            I mean, I know that’s not the same as trying to batch cook. But otherwise I could have written what you wrote.

        3. Lindsay J*

          Oh god. This comment is me like all the time.

          And I think I fixate on things too, which makes it all much worse. Like I’ll finally decide I’m ready to fill out a form, I just need my pen. And then I’ll realize that I can’t find my pen. And it doesn’t matter that I have a damn drawer full of other, completely serviceable pens. I need to know where my pen is, and I will clean the whole damn house and tear things apart until I find my pen. So a task that could have been done in 5 minutes has now taken 2 hours because I’ve spent 1:55 looking for a specific pen that I feel like I need to have to do the task correctly.

      2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

        I’ve had numerous total breakdowns over seemingly trivial stuff. You are not alone!

    2. Anonymous for this*

      We got a new tutor this week, who seemed much more approachable than the previous one. So I bit the bullet and asked him for a referral for our EAP. The concerns I had a few weeks ago have eased a little bit but I’m now getting kind of flashbacks and so want to get it sorted before I finish my training. Whether or not I can take up the EAP is a bit uncertain at the moment because of logistics but I’ve had a similar offer from the training providers so there’s definitely someone for me to talk it through with.
      Even just that step has made a massive difference in how I feel, just acknowledging that I’m going to do something about it.
      Which meant that when I went climbing this week, my head was far more in the game than the last few weeks and I had so much more fun!

    3. Pathfinder Ryder*

      I’m recognizing myself in too many articles about adult ADHD and high functioning depression to the point where I want to get evaluated for a diagnosis, but actually going and talking to my GP about it seems too hard: Finding an appointment time, articulating examples of how the symptoms felt familiar, the last time I broached the subject of depression to my GP he was kind of like “sounds like you’re probably just feeling a little flat”, I was physically ill for a solid three months earlier this year and the GPs were as baffled as I was… I’m not sure this is something my country’s EAP services can handle, as they seem to be more counselling based and the government health information all points to GPs as first point of non-emergency mental health contact.

      1. Lizcat*

        Hugs that’s tough. Could you find another GP? I switched psychiatrists recently and it made such a difference to be believed.

      2. Language Student*

        Can you go to a different doctor? At my surgery there’s a few different doctors and you can often get earlier appointments if you say you’re willing to speak to any doctor rather than your dedicated one.
        Writing things down in advance really helped me articulate things though, writing down symptoms with examples of how it affects concrete things (like how much longer you take to shower or get up or write something) made it so much easier to explain and come up with examples when asked for them. Emotion journals can help too – especially ones that are split into morning, afternoon and evening. Honestly, I didn’t realise how bad things had gotten until I wrote everything down and really looked at how I was feeling and the symptoms I had each day, and it’s a helpful recovery tool if you can identify patterns so you know when to focus on self-care etc.

      3. rj*

        I have had very unhelpful responses from GPs about depression/anxiety in the US and in Canada. I really had to self-advocate in Canada (which is the opposite of what you want to do when depressed). In the US I just gave up. Don’t do that! Try someone else (if where you live in anything like Canada’s system, you will have to wait a long while…).

    4. Lizcat*

      I saw a new psychiatrist last week and switched from Adderall to Vyvanse for my ADHD and I can’t even begin to describe the difference! I feel so much better. I’ll probably go up next month, but already I’m less anxious and able to focus better.

    5. Mrs. Fenris*

      I had a couple of stressful things happen at work last week, and they spilled over into this week to create one giant ball o’ anxiety. Fortunately I was able to recognize it and figure that it would probably pass, and it did.

      I also made an appointment with a sleep specialist. I am pretty sure they won’t be able to do anything, but I figured I would at least try. I went to a different one twice almost 20 years ago and got absolutely nowhere…but what the heck, maybe they’ve come up with something new.

    6. KatieKate*

      I had a mild panic attack yesterday. My sucky grocery store didn’t have some of the ingredients I needed (related to the soup post) and I couldn’t remember what I had at home, so I just brought some premade food and left. I need to work through this cooking anxiety. I’m not trying to impress anyone! I’m the only one eating it!

    7. Wrench Turner*

      My mental health isn’t well, but I’m surviving. I want to get back to a therapist but even with insurance it was $100/session. Just can’t afford that, so looking for alternatives. I’m proud of that. I took 30 years to get myself to go (my dad was told that I should go when I was younger but he scoffed at the idea) and just the 3 sessions I had I think helped point me in a good direction. It’s a long way to go. Depression, anxiety & suicidal ideation comes and goes like the Great Lakes tides. Sometimes storms in, sometimes just a gentle flow. It’s been that way for so long that I’m not afraid of dying, per say, I just don’t care if it happens and sometimes that nihilism/self destruction hurts others. I’m not proud of that.

      I have a compulsory need to create -I’m an artist outside my day job and hope to some day live off my art- and when I can’t, I feel pretty worthless. My day job keeps me busy and exhausted (58hrs this week) plus I do the majority of taking care of the home so I have very little time to create. It’s frustrating to be too tired to do anything and I know I shouldn’t be judged on my productivity, but… what can you do. I’m anxious about my future here. It’s a whole lot of “I don’t know” that feels like it depends on other people. I hate that.

      So to cope I ride my motorcycle whenever possible; it’s a great meditation that I know will also kill me quick if things go wrong and that makes me feel better. I make as much art as possible whenever I can and have plans for marketing the series of paintings I’m working on when I get enough of a collection together. Whatever works, right?

      1. ..Kat..*

        So, I just read a Captain Awkward guest post about free/low cost resources. Go to the archives, and the post is between #1026 and #1027.

    8. Becca*

      Congrats on the weight lifting and the publishings! Good luck and good vibes for what’s next :)

      I finally found a therapist with an opening since moving in August, and I have an intake appointment on Monday! God willing it’ll work out and I can finally get some EMDR therapy for my PTSD…. We’ll see how it goes.

    9. Red*

      Wow, you’re doing so much, I’m so proud!!

      For me, it’s been a mess. Apparently I’m allergic to Ambien so my doctor put me on mirtazapine for sleep, which is ugh because Ambien really worked!

      I don’t think Lamictal is working at all right now, at least not at my current dose. I’ve just been dealing with this awful irrational rage at nothing that wants me to beat the everloving crud out of everything in the vicinity until it’s all broken and so are my hands and I’m exhausted, which is not the least bit productive. There’s also a fair amount of self loathing involved in that because I’m now reminding myself of my abusive parents, so this is just a clusterfudge of bad. Time to call up the psychiatrist and demand an emergency appointment for the 3rd time in the past couple of months… I also need to find a therapist again.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Hugs. Getting meds worked out is such a pain. I’m on an antidepressant that works fairly well for me now but the one I tried before that made me incredibly anxious.

        I hope you find a solution that works for you with the meds. Also, I know it’s scary to feel yourself getting angry but you are already doing better than your parents by acknowledging it’s a problem and taking steps to fix it.

        1. Red*

          Thank you :) I know I’ll get the meds worked out eventually, it’s just a colossal pain in the butt until then because I really need them to work!

    10. Shrunken Hippo*

      I’ve been sleeping on a more regular schedule but I’m in a lot of physical pain. I’ve had chronic pain for around 5 years but doctors always say that it’s just a manifestation of my mental state. While I was in university no doctor wanted to give me medication for my depression and anxiety because they thought that it was just tied to school work and I would get over it, and now that I’m finally on pills the doctor won’t believe my pain until I’ve been on the medication for a few months. It’s frustrating because there’s a history of fibromyalgia in my family and I have almost all of the symptoms which include depression and anxiety. It’s so annoying that I have to continue to suffer with constant pain because the doctor thinks it’s literally all in my head. I also suffer from extreme cramps during my period that have led to me being rushed to the hospital, but doctors just say that I’m being over dramatic. It’s hard to combat depression when people keep dismissing your pain. It feels like I’m not worth the help and sends me into more depression.

      One thing I’m proud of is I was able to finish a crocheted fox that I designed myself. It’s my first time writing my own pattern for a stuffed animal so I was really happy that it worked out. I’ve decided that I’m going to make another one for my sister because she’s been wanting a fox stuffy for a while now.

        1. Shrunken Hippo*

          One doctor thought I might but my symptoms are much more similar to endometriosis or fibromyalgia. Though most of the pain in during my period I do have some pain in between as well.
          I love the little fox. I’ve made a second one with an improved tail and I love it!

    11. Anonon for this one*

      Being unemployed can be such a huge drain on mental health. It sounds like you are really thriving given the circumstances, good for you!

      I am in a place where I am really struggling with my mental health. I am lucky to have a job with great insurance, but I can’t find a therapist who will take me on as a new patient! I’ve been trying for months to get an appointment. I’m on three waitlists. My job as EAP, but it is really user unfriendly–I tried to get an appointment with them and they set me up with something really unsustainable in terms of schedule and location. If I am going to be out of the office during my normal work hours, I have to make an announcement to the entire department about where I am going and why (it is not that it is a RULE exactly, but it is the culture, so if you don’t, people will notice) and I really don’t want to announce that I’m struggling with a lot of mental health issues and need to go to therapy.

      Meanwhile, because I’m in such a bad place, I let my emotions get the better of me and accidentally vented some anger to someone I shouldn’t have at work (yeah I know this is not a work thread, but this is less about work and more about mental health). Of course, I made myself look like a crazy fool in front of someone I really admire and want to have a good opinion of me. I’m trying to figure out the best way to fix this.

      I’m just trying to keep it together enough to act professional and not like a loon until I can finally get some help. It’s so hard :(.

      1. Red*

        When I was dealing with a similar issue (explaining lots of doctor appointments at work), I told everyone I had a medical problem that was acting up and driving me crazy. It’s not a lie!

    12. Detective Amy Santiago*

      This week has been hard because of events happening in the world. How do you remain informed while also taking care of your mental health? I’m so exhausted from being angry and scared. But shutting off completely and not knowing what is happening causes other anxiety because I’m not able to mentally prepare for what might be coming next.

      1. Language Student*

        Do you have a reliable friend/family member who could kind of filter out information and just tell you about a couple of things? My partner is great for this – she checks different sources to get an objective view, watches the videos herself etc., and somehow always knows about things immediately after they happen. So when I can’t engage too much, I get a brief overview from her.
        I also avoid articles and stuff that have numbers like “x people hurt” in the title, it’s just too emotional for me. If you can wait and focus on the articles praising people who helped others or helped stop attacks or fires etc., that might help since you’re still informed, but focusing on the people who are helping instead of hurting?

    13. aliascelli*

      It’s been a really difficult PTSD week for me, and for a lot of people I know, with what feels like unrelenting news and twitter coverage of Weinstein. I was lucky and got an emergency therapy appointment on Thursday and I’ve been practicing self-care like it’s a religion, but with all that I’m just getting by. Add work stress on top, and this week feels like a year.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I can relate. There was a Twitter boycott yesterday because of Rose McGowan being suspended on the platform, and though people were saying “Don’t boycott because silence is what they want!” I HAD to step away and take a break.

      2. Sonia*

        Feeling the same way about the constant coverage. I’m definitely taking a break from tracking the stories. You’re not alone – and I hope you can take extra good care of yourself this weekend. I know even the simplest things can feel like a huge mountain.

    14. DanaScully*

      Thanks for asking. I’ve been struggling with my anxiety and intrusive thoughts recently.

      I’m away from home at the moment and I’m convincing myself that my apartment is being burgled or my car is being stolen. It’s difficult for me to relax despite us coming 100 miles away from home *to* relax.

    15. A. Non*

      I’m really excited! I’m back at work after a six week absence for my health, and I feel awesome!

      …except that my energy levels are still recalibrating. I know I have to get to the gym more than I do (right now it’s 1x week, but it really should be 3x week) and be more active, but it feels like if I add one more thing on top of getting back to work I might sink instead of swimming. I’ve let myself ‘have’ the last two weeks to ease back into things, but I think this coming week I really need to step it up with the physical activity, especially as it gets colder and darker and we ease toward winter.

    16. QualityControlFreak*

      I am doing okay. Struggling this week with a respiratory virus that has hit both me and my spouse, who is fighting stage 4 lung cancer. Bad night Thursday, waking up every five minutes to check on him and try to keep his oxygen levels from tanking. Panic attack in the wee hours of Friday morning. To the doc Friday afternoon, and his oxygen levels were good on our portable O2 generator and on the medical facility’s equipment. So, home again, called the techs at the oxygen company, and they easily identified and walked me through a simple fix for our O2 generator. Spouse is still miserable of course, but his O2 levels have stabilized, so that feels like a win. One foot in front of the other. Thanks for asking. ;)

    17. Mischa*

      First of all, I cannot thank you all for your support. You have no idea how much it means to know there are supportive and understanding people who understand.

      I had an evaluation with a psychiatrist to discuss medication. I was very nervous, but turned out I didn’t need to be. The doctor was so wonderful. My experience with the campus counseling center has been nothing short of fantastic. Everyone has been amazingly kind, affirming, and understanding. No one has treated me as broken or messed up. I started on a low dose of sertraline this morning. I’m not sure if it’s helping, but I do feel a little bit more “level.” Of course, it’s only one dose so we’ll see how things go.

      In addition to being an extrovert, I find my depression gets worse when isolated so I made a point to study at a coffee shop with some friends today instead of spending the whole weekend alone. Next, I need to work in exercise.

      2. Junior Dev*

        Congratulations on studying with friends! I also get more depressed if I don’t see people. It sounds like you found a really smart way to study while also getting your social needs met.

    18. Mimmy*

      I’m doing okay thought the crap with our house remodeling isn’t help my anxiety levels! I’ve always been the type to let little things add up into one giant ball of agitation.

      I’m also thinking of changing therapists. I’ve been seeing my current one for 5-6 years. She’s really lovely, but her schedule is very limited and now that I’m working, it’s a lot harder to work around. I have her this Wednesday at 6:30 pm, which will cap what will probably end up being an exhausting day: Work, council meeting, therapist. Yeah, I’m a glutton for punishment.

      But at least I’m proud of finally admitting that I probably need this change.

    19. WriterLady*

      Honestly, I’m proud of you for taking steps to manage your health effectively, and proud of you for recognising burnout when it arrives. Just know that if you need to take some time for you, it’s well worth it and better in the long run.

      I’m doing okay – actually, much better than I used to be. The anxiety flare ups are becoming less (and I can negotiate with my brain regarding some of its more common ones) and I’m on a fairly low dose. My doctor advised me that he wants me on them for the time being

    20. NaoNao*

      I feel like the tone of your comments has changed for the better since leaving Awful Job! I know it’s scary but honestly, I’m happy to see a more relaxed and hopeful you, Junior Dev!
      Well, um, a lot of developments.
      I found a therapist to deal with the emotions that are coming with not drinking. I joined a supportive online community for not drinking, and I’m approaching two months sober. It’s been kind of a breeze!
      I’ve dropped a few pounds and feel great in general. I’m sleeping better, my skin looks great, I’ve lost that vague weak feeling in my body, my acid reflux is all but gone (it was awful, like almost every hour I was awake). I have so much time to get stuff done!!
      My struggle right now is dealing with some unpleasant memories because my brain is always sharp and “on” and some stuff is coming back to me. Not anything terrible, just…some things that were better left in the dusty attic of one’s mind.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Wow, congratulations on two months sober! That’s awesome!

        And thanks for noticing about my comments…I have heard similar things from a bunch of people and it’s making me feel better about the situation. I have all kinds of complicated feelings I can’t discuss without getting too far into work talk, but I am glad to be out of that situation.

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        Huge congratulations on your recovery so far. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with bad memories – I hope you can work out some strategies for self-care.

    21. Lindsay J*

      Frustrated. It seems like a cruel joke that there is a 15 day time limit on getting my ADHD drug prescription filled. I didn’t go to fill it until the 16th or 17th day because I didn’t realize the time limit was so short, and the pharmacy couldn’t fill it. So now I have to manage to go back to see the doctor to get another prescription written (and it has to be picked up in person – can’t be sent electronically) then bring it back to the pharmacy and get it filled, and deal with the logistics of doing that during the work day since my psych doesn’t have any after hours or weekend availability. And it’s now made harder because I don’t have my damn meds to help me stay organized and prioritized.

  10. SL #2*

    YOU GUYS I’M GOING TO CRUMBS AND WHISKERS IN 12 HOURS

    (C&W is a “cat cafe” in LA and DC; basically a bunch of adoptable cats hanging out in a big room and you can order coffee and sit with them for an hour. As someone who doesn’t have a cat but loves them desperately, this is a dream come true.)

      1. SL #2*

        I mean, it’s entirely possible I might just start crying as soon as they let me in there. “Oh, what? There’s tears streaming out of my eyes? Don’t worry about it, just let me pet a kitty.”

    2. nep*

      Look forward to hearing how it goes.
      We are planning to go soon to a nearby cat cafe to see whether any one of the lovely beings there wants to come home with us. I’m excited just to go hang out in this place.

      1. SL #2*

        Ugh, it was pure magic. I recommend going as early as they’ll let you, since the cats are much more active and sociable in the morning. C&W’s first reservation is at 11 am so that’s when I booked my visit, and it was perfect. All the kittens were running around being cute, and even the adult cats who were sleeping weren’t that grumpy and were more than willing to doze peacefully while you pet them.

        1. tigerStripes*

          Some kitty adoption places have volunteers who do kitty cuddling. I don’t know all of the details, but that might be a great thing for you. It also helps socialize the kitties, so it’s good for them.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      My husband regularly visits a local cat cafe (I’m allergic). I’ve heard him refer to it as his secret office.

      1. CAA*

        Funny, that’s our situation here too. DH loves the local cat cafe, but he has to change clothes after going there or I end up with swollen itchy eyes and a runny nose.

    4. Triplestep*

      That sounds great! I wish there was one of those near me so I could take my octogenarian mother – she would love it!

    5. TheDuchess*

      Designers and writers out there, what’s your recommendations for a portfolio? I’m thinking of branching out into a few more freelance clients, but my sole writing portfolio isn’t geared to design.

      1. Amadeo*

        What do you mean? Are you asking what you need samples of or a hosting place for your portfolio? (I’m assuming you meant this as it’s own post but nesting got weird).

    6. SL #2*

      MY UPDATE: At first, I balked a little at the idea of paying to pet cats for an hour ($25!!!), especially since my friends have one and I could go over to their apartment and pet that cat for an hour for free. But the kitties at C&W were an absolute delight, there were 20 of them today, and the shop was very well-kept. There were lots of little nooks and crannies for kitties to hide in as well as an employees-only area where the cats were allowed to go if they had enough of people for the day, shag rugs and pillows and boxes everywhere for them to sleep on, and so many toys to keep them entertained. And you know, if $25 helps them keep the store open and allows them to rescue more kitties and show them to potential furever families, I’ll take it. I heard that they’ve had over 400 adoptions already and the cafe’s only been open for a little over a year.

      1. Paquita*

        I never heard of this before. I like cats, DH does NOT. Lo and behold, there is one opening up soon about a mile from me! Thanks SL #2 !!!!!!!

  11. Lauren R*

    I’ve been reading for a while now but only took to commenting recently, so I feel a little odd jumping in here but could definitely use a sounding board at the moment! My dog Thumper was recently diagnosed with liver disease. She’s 13 and honestly a month ago you would never have guessed she was sick or even old because she was so full of life and energy and fun; the only reason the vet caught it was due to some routine bloodwork. She’s on some medication now and I’m going back to the vet with her on Tuesday. She just seems to not be feeling well at all now, and I can’t tell if it’s the medication or the liver disease itself, but within the past week and half or so things have made a significant decline for her. She’s clearly nauseous a lot and has thrown up several times just in this past week sadly; she does seem to still have an appetite though which is good. She also just seems to want to sleep and is more “groggy” when woken, gets excited about her walks but then doesn’t make it very far before she wants to go back, and at night can’t seem to get comfortable for sleep. She used to always sleep on the bed with me (she wore me down on that one, I fought a good fight but lost badly) but now she’s just up and down all night and when she is on the bed she’ll lay in one place get up and lay in another and on and on. She’s also much less interactive (I guess that’s the word), she’s usually just a very cheerful dog and silly to be around but lately seems withdrawn and not herself which I think is a result of experiencing all the other symptoms and makes me really sad for her – she got her name from her tail always “thumping” but lately she doesn’t seem to have it in her.

    I’m just really worried for her and don’t want to lose her. I adopted her a year ago and I knew that adopting a 12 year old dog would mean likely not having a super long time with her but the reality of that is still hard. I lost my first dog in July of last year and I’d had her for 15 years, and when I lost her it was so devastating and I was just not at all prepared for how badly it would knock me off my feet. I’ve never experienced anything like that; she was everything to me and spent every day since I got her following me around and always wanting to know where I was and what I was doing, and it just seemed like my whole world got flipped around when suddenly she wasn’t there. She helped with my mental health a lot and it declined significantly when I lost her. But then I found Thumper and it was like there was this part of me that came back to life. I’m so scared of what’s waiting for me when I lose her and I’m worried that fear will impact my decision making. I don’t want her to suffer at all and I know that if the way she feels right now is the best that it’s going to be for her, I can’t let her live that way. But then it feels like maybe my emotions have me so clouded that I’m seeing the worst and not thinking straight, and then I feel guilty because that’s likely wishful thinking that may lead to me making the wrong choice for my own comfort, and on and on like that in a circle.

    She’s the sweetest dog and brings me so much joy to be around. I really wish she could stick around forever and am very sad that this is likely the beginning of the end for her. This sounds awful but in some ways it was “easier” when my last dog was going through this because I had no idea how truly broken I’d feel after – it was all just an abstract and I knew it’d be bad but didn’t know how much it would wreck me, but now I know what to expect and I don’t think the fact that she’s only been with me a year will prevent falling back into that state I was in before.

    Typing this out helped in a way so thank you to all who read/skimmed! Does anyone who has been in this situation have any advice for what to do now? Or any questions I should bring to my vet on Tuesday? She’s a very good vet so I feel like just talking to her will help a lot, but I feel so mixed up about all this I don’t really know where to start. I suddenly really wish my vet was available 24/7, though it’s probably for the best that she isn’t for her own sake haha

    1. TL -*

      Talk to your vet specifically about quality of life for the dog. You can ask what the expected timeline is and what symptoms to look out for that mean things worsen, and what signs mean Thumper is suffering more than she should be. That can help you prepare yourself and it might make the decision easier, when it comes – you’ll have already made the decision when you start seeing the signs.

      I know, in my experience, the vets that work in a larger clinics or cities might be more hesitant to strongly push their opinion, so listen carefully, ask questions, give her a clear picture of your financial situation, and definitely mention that you might have a hard time letting go.

    2. Engineer Girl*

      One thing to remember is that animals will hide their sickness. It’s a survival thing.
      I think it’s important to focus on giving them the thing they want most – your love and companionship.
      My vet helped me by discussing her own pets battles with cancer. It helped me realize the limitations of what you could do. Perhaps you could start with that question “What would you do if this was your pet?”
      One thing I did when my last cat died was to journal all the things I loved about him – including all his quirks. It helped preserve the memories.

    3. Drew*

      Lauren, I’m so sorry your Thumper is sick. If it turns out that this is the end, I hope you take comfort knowing how much love you poured into her last year. Sending you e-hugs and happy thoughts.

    4. Rogue*

      So sorry for the loss of your original pup and that you’re going through this now with Thumper. I haven’t experienced liver disease with any of mine, but I would definitely discuss the drastic change in behavior with your vet. It’s totally possible it’s caused by whatever medication your pup is taking – or not – the vet should know (you could also research online and see if anyone had similar experiences on that med). You could ask about switching meds or pulling thumper off to see if it makes a difference. I feel for you; you’re going to have some tough decisions ahead, but hang in there.

    5. Anoa*

      Once you know what questions to ask, make a list so if you get too upset you’ll still remember.

      We adopted an older shelter dog in February, and her health had steadily been declining. It helps me to think about how happy she’s been here- as my husband says, she’s probably the happiest she’s been in her little life.

      I’d ask the vet about quality of life, and what to watch for as far as that, and go from there. I’m sorry :(

      1. Bibliovore*

        This is a good place to share. The up and down all night is a sign of pain. It could be the meds but it might be the illness. Write down the symptoms that you posted and call the vet. There might be better tolerated meds. I adopted a twelve year old, two years ago. I really understand. Focus on quality of life not time.

    6. C*

      It’s difficult to read, but the Ohio State Veterinary Medical Center offers a file called “How Will I Know? Assessing Quality of Life and Making Difficult Decisions for your Pet” (comes up pretty quickly in a basic google). It is designed to help you assess quality of life for a companion animal through a series of questions and observations that can be shared with a vet.

      2. Onnellinen*

        Thank you for this – we had to make the difficult decision with our elderly cat yesterday. Even reading this after the fact helps clarify that it was the right decision and the right time.

    7. LCL*

      Going through this with my 10.5 year old dog now. Blood work showed liver problems, he’s getting weaker, ultrasound was indeterminate, taking denamarin which is helping some. It took almost two weeks on the denamarin before I saw improvement.
      ,
      I can tell you only want the best for your dog. What has helped me with the decision is I ask my vet about the disease progression and what to expect. So with his wise counsel I could decide when it was time to make the decision. Dogs age much faster than us, so when they go downhill it can be very fast.

      My boy’s appetite was off, but is coming back. I’m putting broth on his kibble, and hand feeding it to him in the morning, and got a nutrient rich canned food for those days he wouldn’t eat.

      Tldr: I’m sorry this is happening, ask your vet what to expect in the disease process and your path will become clear.

    8. Onnellinen*

      Just hugs and best wishes, for you and your dog. Dealing with health issues is one of the hardest parts of having a pet.

    9. TheDuchess*

      Ask the vet what options are available. Seeing them laid out in front of you can sometimes make the choice for you – I had to decide to put down my old retriever, who had reached 16 (I’d had her since I was 7), and I was so not wanting to. The vet’s options, all of them causing my girl more pain and no high likelihood of a good recovery, especially at 16, led me to the choice. It’s really hard, and I’m sending hugs and lots of support for whatever you decide.

    10. Lauren R*

      Thanks for the advice and kind words everyone!! I especially liked Engineer Girl’s suggestion to ask the vet what she would do if it were her own pet – that’s a great idea because I really trust her judgment and know she’s a very compassionate person. I’ll also be sure to write everything down before I go so I have my thoughts organized on paper and don’t have to rely on my head to keep track of it all.

      She seemed to feel more like herself today which was nice to see. She got VERY excited for her food tonight and was in the kitchen bouncing around while I cooked which she hadn’t seemed up to lately. Not sure if it’s a sign of anything long-term but it definitely made me feel more hopeful than I did before. Thanks again guys!

      1. Lo Squared*

        We’re going through this right now with our 8 year old dachshund (who we adopted 5 years ago). He has bone marrow failure and is on steroids which make him feel amazing. We made the difficult decision to decline further attempts to treat (they are all invasive or come with many potential side effects) with the understanding his life may be shorter. But I watch him trotting around and playing with toys and snuggling and I realize we’ve made the right choice for us.

        It’s so hard with pets. I got our vet to be a little more honest about the potential treatments when we voiced that we understood that this condition is terminal without aggressive intervention and asking more blunt questions. I think vets are sometimes used to cushioning things that people don’t want to hear and offering treatments til the end of the earth- this allowed us to have a more honest conversation.

        But of luck for you and your furry friend.

        1. Lauren R*

          Thank you. I’m so sorry about your dog – it sounds like you’ve given him a great life and the kind of peaceful ending we would all hope to have.

          I definitely would rather Thumper have a shorter but happier life rather than dragging out her pain just for more time, and I’ll make sure the vet keeps that in mind when discussing options.

    11. another Liz*

      It’s hard to be objective when you’re dealing with chronic illnesses and end of life decisions. This can be helpful for a lot of folks.

      https://virtuavet.wordpress.com/petqualityoflife/qualityoflifescale/

      The symptoms you’re seeing could be the primary liver disease, and they could be a medication side effect. Liver disease tends to be about supportive care, and reducing the liver’s workload through diet and medications that bind with digestive byproducts usually filtered by the liver to be passed in the stool instead. Pretty much any medication can cause digestive upset, which is certainly uncomfortable. Talking to your vet about adjusting/ changing the treatment, and also repeating the blood work will tell you a lot. Often it’s the changes that are important.

    12. Meag L*

      This is a super late reply, but first, sorry you are going through this. I posted a few weeks ago about the grief i’ve been feeling having said goodbye to my dog, who I also adopted at 12! (gotta love the oldies). I thought about his death a lot and was worried I wouldn’t know when the right time was. Then one week I just new it was time and I took him in that day. I wanted him to go with dignity and not in a furry of emergency. I wanted (and needed) to decide when it was time.

      I definitely agree with the approach of asking your vet what she would do. It’s clear you know the importance of quality of life, so I just know you will do the best for your dog, whatever that is!

      Hugs and all the positive thoughts!

  12. Purple snowdrop*

    18 sleeps until I plan to leave the spouse.

    Had a really hard week this week. My course-for-women-in-my-situation was hard this week, thinking about the parenting side of things, which was really scary but also a reminder of why I need to get out.

    I’ve spoken to a different firm about my legal situation (one that was recommended by a friend in a similar situation) and oh my god I feel so much better about things. If he refuses to leave the house potential consequences include prison. I obviously hope it doesn’t have to come to that for many reasons (mainly relating to the child) but hopefully knowing that if it comes to that I’ll do it will mean he’s reasonable.

    I bought a basic phone and new number so that when he leaves I can give everyone else a new number that he doesn’t know and he can just use that to contact me when necessary (and I can switch it off except when I need it – again wouldn’t talk to him at all if it wasn’t for the child). If he harasses me on it, again, I can report that to the police.

    Thinking about what name to use afterwards. I don’t want to go back to my birth surname for Reasons. There are loads of options, but I’m also thinking about changing to a different shortening of my first name (the example I’m using is “Charlie” Vs “Lottie” – both nicknames for “Charlotte” but totally different names, but that’s not my name!). I’m really unsure about this work-wise, as I’ve mentioned in passing before, but I might email Alison about it (I’ll mention that I’ve mentioned it before!). I’m also unsure about what my friends would think- will this be a step too far?! Lots to think about for me.

    Making progress. Loads to do (trying not to think about it all at once!) but I’m getting there. Having a supportive workplace, and friends, helps a lot as does knowing you guys are rooting for me.

    1. Annie Mouse*

      I am so glad that you’re making progress in getting things sorted and you’re nearly there. I’ve got all my fingers crossed for you.

    2. Rookie Manager*

      Totally rooting for you!

      You are being so wise, methodical and patient. Glad you feel better about the legal situation now. Keep going, you got this.

    3. Al Lo*

      I had a friend who legally changed her whole name after a divorce. Her first name is similar to her previous name, but her surname is completely different than any she’d had before. For her, there was a lot of symbolism and spiritual meaning and so on that went into the choice, but she posted an announcement with the new name and the meaning, and I think it was as easily accepted as anything like that might be. That is, some people adopted it seamlessly, others took more time, but it’s her name now, and at this point, I doubt anyone thinks twice about it. It was, in some ways, similar to the name changes and coming out by various trans people I’ve known.

      I think if it’s a step you want to take, go for it. A time of transition is as good as any other to make a change.

      1. Wrench Turner*

        I changed my whole name when I got married, and if it doesn’t work, I’m not sure what to do with it. My friends accepted my name change with amusement, my family resisted but acquiesced because they don’t have a choice if they want to keep me around. If I leave, I’m not going back to my old name but I don’t think I’ll keep this one, either. Again, my friends will be amused and my family will have to deal or lose me. The rest is just paperwork, and it has no opinions.

        1. Red Reader*

          Bingo. The only one who’s opinion matters is you. Everyone else can either deal, or jump off a cliff.

      2. Changed all 3*

        I’m trans and I’m changing my first, middle and last. The first two are strongly gendered and since I have always been treated like garbage by those relatives, I’ve decided to break free of the family name too. I’m also changing it for privacy reasons (much harder to figure out who I was). My mom’s side is worse than my dad’s, so I went with a totally unrelated name instead of her maiden. It feels nice to see my name written down and not have so much baggage come flooding in.

        So far, I haven’t had any pushback. Although it is much easier to misspell my new name, so that’s a small bummer!

    4. I Am Still Furious!!*

      Glad to see this update, and no, don’t try to think about everything at once, it’s so overwhelming. For what it’s worth, I’m going to change back to my birth name, so my driver’s license, Social Security Card, IRS stuff, payroll, checking account, basically everything will reflect that, but I’m not going to change my name internally at my job. I’ve worked with some people worldwide for 15 years and I think at this point in my life, I’m 54, my work name can remain “Jane Smith” while I’m still working at the same job.

      I am rooting for you, too!!

    5. Anono-me*

      Pick whatever feels right to you for you. Is sounds like you have positive forward motion.

      Tell the name backstory to the people in your life that you want to know and think will be supportive. Tell everyone else that you will be taking “Snoe” as your last name, that it is a family name. (It is a family name, your new family name. )

      Work probably won’t care very much. Unless you pick something that makes other people’s lives more complicated on a regular basis. (A guy I worked with changed his name to honor something that had had a profoundly positive impact on his life. Everyone was happy for him…at first. The problem was, his new last name was 53 letters long and hard to spell as it was from a little known ‘dead’ language. Additional, most of our forms only had space for 40 or 50 letters so they had to be redone.

      Do try to keep in mind that many people tend to be lazy creatures of habit and will not relearn your new name right away.

      Take care.

    6. Detective Amy Santiago*

      You definitely have support here!

      I think that your friends will understand that you need to do what is best for you. If that means shifting to a different name, they’ll get used to it.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      You might want to think about a nickname you could use.
      Charlotte becomes Char (rhymes with “car”)
      Cheryl becomes Cher.
      Barbara becomes Bobbi.

      My preference has been to shorten my name down to one syllable. When I hear people say the one syllable nickname it makes me smile. Yes, there are a couple people who think it is odd, but that just makes me chuckle. Most people are fine with it.

      OTH, I have read of a belief some people have that beings go toward what their name means. So when we pick out a name for a being (this could be a child or a pet) we need to think of the name as a goal or an inspiration. I don’t have any children handy to try this with, so I used my latest dog. His name is 6 letters and fairly recognizable. I never knew the meaning of the name but when I looked it up I found it meant “friend, ally”. Perfect. I thought that this would perfectly describe this little pup’s role in my life as he matured. It’s a good strong name and he is the physically strongest dog I have ever had. Yet he has learned to be very sweet and make very considerate choices. I guess this concept works? It’s a nice idea at any rate.

    8. Triplestep*

      As someone who has been divorced (with shared kids), you may want to hold off on the name change. Even though this will be a relief for you (it was for me) so many changes are coming in the next few weeks, months, and year. You may want to revisit the name question when things feel more stable. There will be decisions that you must make in a certain time frame – you’re already experiencing some of these. I would hold off on the ones that are less urgent.

      You sound really organized and patient; keep it up – you’re almost there!

      1. Her Grace*

        I had a good friend go through a really acrimonious divorce. I asked her if she was going to change her name.
        She said no, because she was keeping her children’s name, for purposes of stability in their life. (She lives in a conservative community.) By not changing her name, she was able to better keep certain areas of her life private through “invisibility”, which made her life much easier.

    12. Effie, who is herself, and is moving forward without self judgement*

      Keep breathing! (I know I say that every week, I just think that breathing is always helpful and never overrated) You’re so close. Best wishes!!!!!!

  13. ayeaye*

    So I just found out I’m pregnant. Only a couple of weeks, and I’m in a constant state of worry that it’s all going to go wrong any moment. I have no idea to reassure myself. I’ve looked at statistics, but they only mean something if you’re not in the unlucky percentage. We’ve been trying for six months so whilst not a long time, it’s felt long enough. I was having mild cramps and the doctor said this means the pregnancy won’t be viable. But if things are ok I’m so happy! I just wish I could know how things were going to go, I am not big on uncertainty.

    1. Marzipan*

      Congratulations to you on your pregnancy. In terms of reassuring yourself, there may not be much you can do beyond waiting and trying to distract yourself, but if it helps at all it’s always been my understanding that some mild cramping early on is very normal. If you’re able to have an early scan at such time as a heartbeat would be visible, that may help a bit?

    2. Jemima Bond*

      Remember, people mostly tell stories about pregnancy and childbirth where things are difficult or go wrong; for the drama. As in, “omg I had such bad morning sickness” or “my sister in law had to have an emergency caesarean”. They rarely tell the “dull” stories where everything is fine. Lots of people get pregnant, don’t have complications, maybe feel tired/sick but are generally ok, then have a baby and it’s healthy and everyone is ok. This happens all the time! My friend’s husband said with their first baby that they were back from hospital so quickly he felt like they’d stolen the baby! :-D For every horror story there’s a load of other women for whom it is all fine; who’s to say you won’t be one of those women? Take care of yourself and do your best not to borrow trouble :-)

      1. Thlayli*

        This. its like period pain and pmt. You never hear sbout the women who don’t get it, only those who do. The majority of pregnancies are uncomplicated and successful, so the odds are good. Good luck.

        As others have said some mild cramping is quite common, so unless the cramping was severe or there are other complicating factors, I think that’s more a sign you should look into other doctors than anything else.

        I find knowing the numbers really helps me. There’s a really good online calculator that shows you the statistical risk of mc day by day once you put in some info about yourself. I’ll find it and post it in a reply below. For some reason being able to say to myself there’s an 83% chance baby is ok makes me feel better. And it goes up every day. However im sure some people might find it makes them feel worse, so if you think it would freak you out then don’t look at it.

        As others have said a “reassurance ultrasound” at 6 or 8 weeks might make you feel better if you can afford it. 8 weeks might be nicer as it can be done on your tummy rather than internally. my U/S tech told me that at 8 weeks if baby is in the right place, measuring the correct size, only one baby and has a heartbeat, the risk is down to only 1 or 2% at that stage.

    3. Book Lover*

      Congratulations!
      When you say a couple of weeks pregnant, you mean 6 weeks or that literally the pregnancy test just turned positive and you are at 4 weeks? Cramping is totally normal, I am not sure why your doctor would suggest that would be a problem?
      If you are at 6 weeks, the easiest way to get reassurance is with a quick ultrasound (this could likely only be done by an OB or via radiology, though, not your GP). If there is a heartbeat, it is extremely unlikely (though still possible) to lose the pregnancy. Another option if super early is to get a quantitative hcg and then repeat at 48 hours and look at the doubling time.

      All that said, though, pregnancy and having kids is a series of uncertainties. I would try really hard to just appreciate each step and try not to let anxiety rule you. Perhaps I missed something and you are high risk, but six months (actually a year) is a totally normal amount of time to be trying.

      1. VerySleepyPregnantLady*

        Yeah, I had mild “I think my period is coming later today” kinda cramps constantly from 3.5 (so even before missed period)-6 weeks, and then on and off until 10-12ish weeks (I don’t remember exactly). I was reassured that this was 100% normal, if annoying. “Severe” cramping is a bad sign, but I was told mild to moderate cramping in the first trimester was super normal.

        My nausea and exhaustion was pretty debilitating, but, other than that, I have basically been totally fine with a very normal, uncomplicated pregnancy. And both are 90% better now. I have even fallen all the way down a flight of stairs (!!) with no ill-effects to the fetus. My pregnancy has been described as “textbook,” with everything (other than the nausea), falling well within the normal range.

        Yes, many pregnancies don’t work out. But a normal pregnancy is actually pretty sturdy. Do your best not to worry, and, as Book Lover says, once you see a heartbeat, you’ve got like a 95% chance of having a viable pregnancy. And once you have a good ultrasound after ~12 weeks or normal genetic testing results, odds are very, very high of having a perfectly healthy baby.

    4. Ruth Zardo is F.I.N.E.*

      “I was having mild cramps and the doctor said this means the pregnancy won’t be viable.” Your doctor sounds … not very reassuring?

      No one can guarantee you that your pregnancy will work out. Anecdata means nothing. There are women who miscarry their first pregnancy very early and go on to have normal full-term pregnancies after. There are women who make it past the first trimester and are “in the safe zone” and then lose the baby later in their pregnancy. You never know. My first pregnancy, I had some early bleeding that seemed alarmingly heavy for an hour or two, then stopped just as suddenly. I went to have a full term, no-complication pregnancy and a healthy baby girl (she’s 10 now.) My second pregnancy, I had a miscarriage a few days after I got the pregnancy confirmed. I had three more full-term pregnancies after that. You just never know.

      Constant worry, though, won’t be good for you or for the baby. Most of the time, pregnancies work out fine and result in healthy babies. It’s more likely that everything will be fine than that it won’t. Maybe you can keep a pregnancy journal so that you have somewhere to work through your fears and then let them go. Good luck!

    5. Natalie*

      This might be a good time to see someone about coping strategies for anxiety or do some self help online to develop techniques you can use when you are feeling anxious. As counterintuitive as it seems, seeking reassurance when you are feeling anxious can sometimes deepen the anxiety groove in your brain and ultimately be more harmful than helpful. Techniques that help you get through the anxious moment, rather than feeding it, can be more helpful. Whether you’re an anxious person generally or this has just cropped up with pregnancy, treat it as a real issue that you can address.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes yes I can agree with this. I’m an information-seeking person by nature, but my anxiety latches onto data sometimes and makes me spiral pretty badly.

    7. Parenthetically*

      > I was having mild cramps and the doctor said this means the pregnancy won’t be viable.
      That is… preposterous. I had mild cramps for the first 10 weeks probably and my 11-week-old son was clearly viable. I won’t say get another doctor, but if s/he’s said other things that dogmatic and untrue, maybe… get another doctor?

      > I am not big on uncertainty.
      Oh I feel you on this. I always want to be “prepared” somehow for the outcome. It’s a control and anxiety thing for me. Talking with my counselor, doing some yoga, praying/meditating, other coping mechanisms helped. Research did not because it just played into my fears.

      Good luck! You will *almost certainly* be just fine. Take your prenatal vitamins, try to get some rest, book in a prenatal massage maybe?

    8. Legalchef*

      Congrats!!

      Your doctor is wrong. So wrong. I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks and had some cramping beforehand, and the next time I got pregnant I had the same cramping, and that pregnancy stuck. Cramping is totally normal and doesn’t mean that the pregnancy isn’t viable. It might not be (though I hope it is!!), but the cramping has nothing to do w it.

    9. Janelle*

      Some cramping does NOT mean the pregnancy won’t be viable. Frankly it more likely is that you are dehydrated. All you can do is take care of yourself right now. Easier said than done but drink tons of water. It was the best advice I ever received while pregnant and tends to solve a lot of the symptoms I thought were more. No guarantee but worth it.

  14. Not my usual handle*

    I can’t post this under my usual name as it makes me too identifiable, which is annoying.

    Anyone in the UK watching educating greater Manchester? MR R POVEY WAS IN MY YEAR AT SCHOOL. MR D POVEY WAS IN MY SISTER’S YEAR. (Mr B Povey was, like, 11 and is clearly not old enough to be working, haha). I used to go to a youth club that their parents ran at their church!!!!

    R Povey, when I knew him, was only really interested in playing guitar so I’m really glad he’s now a music teacher :)

      1. Not my usual handle*

        There are a lot of Poveys!! I’m not still in touch with anyone from school, I’ve never been bothered about this before :)

    2. DanaScully*

      Yes! I’m really enjoying it. I think I can relate to it more with it being a northern school as I’m from Liverpool.

      I went to a mixed comprehensive so I can see a lot of similarities to my school days. I think the Povey brothers are great.

  15. KL*

    Does no one even /try/ to do mental arithmetic anymore? The other day in a restaurant we asked to split a bill in half (not in the US so service charges etc. already included) and the waiter had to get a calculator. I don’t think it’s even got anything to do with mathematical ability, I know plenty of people who are fluent at higher-level mathematics who can’t do long division in their head, but this bill was £21.50 and there were only two of us, so it wasn’t even like it was a complicated procedure, and they just…couldn’t be bothered to even try.

    Okay, in this day and age where everyone has a smartphone it might seem like a pointless skill to have anyway, but similar arguments have been made about stuff like handwriting ability. And then I start questioning things like whether we should just move with the times and not worry that the next generation will be almost completely dependent on gadgets. And then I realise I’m thinking way too much about this.

    1. Rookie Manager*

      I try!! However despite being reasonably good at it I feel rusty, maybe I need to do it even more.

      I do get frustrated at people not being able to do basic calulations in their head though. (Like in a shop it’s £5.30, you give the assistant £10 then say ‘oh here’s the 30p’ and they can’t work out just to give you a fiver because the till says £4.70. Grrr!!)

      1. Jemima Bond*

        My OH is an accountant so I tell him to do any necessary mental arithmetic. I could do it but why have a dog and bark yourself? ;-D

      2. Courtney*

        At many stores it’s actually policy to not let people add on the change after. There is unfortunately a pretty common scam in the retail world where people wait until after the cashier has typed in the amount given and then say “Oh, I have the change too.” But then right after tack on “Oh, and let me give you this (20) bill instead of the 10, I need to get some smaller bills.” The idea is to get the cashier flustered/confused and then insist that you didn’t give them enough change back, they gave you a larger bill than you say, etc.

        Because of this, the large retail chain I worked at eventually just said no more – once we had typed in the amount given and been told how much change to give, we couldn’t take more money from the customer.

        1. KR*

          Yeah,this is a major scam. And it’s easy math for rookie manager, the customer, because it’s one of a few transactions they will do that day. When you’re doing a hundred retail sales a day with multiple methods of payment and amounts, it’s really easy to get flustered or count wrong. Also, if they are wrong it counts against them so a lot of times it’s easier to just give them the original change or change the bills after. Please don’t get frustrated with this and treat your cashiers gently.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            That particular scam is called flim flam. In three exchanges a person got five dollars out of me once. And I think I am solid at math. These people are GOOD at their scams.
            This was when I first started working. After that it became my policy never to do more than 2 changes. I would slam the drawer and tell the customer I had no more change to give out.

            Later, I realized that honest people who need change only have to ask once. And they ask for what they want the first time, they don’t need to keep changing their minds.

      3. kc89*

        The flip side to that is when I used to work the cashier at my old job and so many customers would be like “oh here’s a quarter” in transactions where the quarter didn’t help at all and I would just have to hand it back to them with their correct change

      4. Lauren R*

        I know you’re just venting but if anyone’s actually curious about the cashier point of view in that moment: The steps of “input amount of cash given, see change displayed on screen, count change, hand to customer” are done so often it’s the kind of thing you’re genuinely on autopilot for. When I see that someone is due to get $4.70 in change, I don’t really THINK about it because it’s just automatic to me. See amount, count it out, hand to customer, wish them a great day. When someone hands you change, mid-way through the process, suddenly you DO have to think about something you don’t really need to at any other time. So that’s generally what you’re seeing when the cashier appears to have trouble – it’s really not a lack of sense or “not being able to work it out”, just an interruption to the routine they run through dozens of times per shift.

        On the other hand if you’re the one paying, you’re already putting thought into counting out the bills and change, determining how much you have with you and what the best way is to pay for this purchase based on that, so when you switch it up a bit it’s easy to automatically see the new amount you’re meant to get, especially since in this example you’re specifically giving them the .30 in order to reach an end goal of getting the $5 back rather than a bunch of change. Cashiers aren’t really putting that much mental energy into your change, because they have a system in place for how they handle their transactions that doesn’t require them to do that and allows them to get you your change while putting that mental energy toward the other things they need to focus on.

        Really though, you could argue it’s just the other side of the same internal delay you yourself experienced. You handed them a $10 bill not really thinking about it, then realized the change would come up as $4.70, decided you’d rather get a $5 back instead so you changed up your strategy, and looked for the 30 cents to give them. The cashier calculated your change based on the $10 given to them, realized upon getting the 30 cents they’d have to change up their traditional method for closing a transaction, needed a second to switch to a mindset they weren’t previously in to do so, and then switch back to give you the correct amount of change and finish up anything else you needed from them.

    2. Ruth (UK)*

      Ok 21.50 in half I’m a little surprised no one just said the answer while the calculator was being fetched. This is a case where I think going and getting a calculator is more effort than just doing the sum. If there were more people and a bigger number I would probably use my phone though.

      That said, I’m in a group where once a month we rent a hall together for an extra practice (one of the many morris related groups I’m in…). Anyway, the hall cost is £22 for the time we have it and we divide it by however many of us turned up – typically a number between 4 and 10. We always do this in our heads (whoever gets the answer first says it and everyone else finishes their maths to check it).

      Once back in about 2007, some friends of mine were playing one of those pub quiz machines and a mental maths question popped up. I can’t remember what it was but I think it was a division one. Everyone quickly turned to one of the people in the group who, at the time, was doing a masters degree in maths at Cambridge uni. He visibly struggled for a few moments and then exclaimed ‘oh I don’t know! I haven’t done that sort of maths in years!’

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Ha. None of the professors in the math department at the uni where I work will do mundane math calculations. They have the departmental assistant do calculations for them, saying, “That’s not math; that’s just arithmetic”.

      2. Liz*

        When I watch Rachel Riley on Countdown I wonder if people realise the sort of skill she’s using is probably very much removed from what she studied for her university degree. People joke that her job is just to do simple arithmetic but I’m willing to bet the majority of people with a higher degree in mathematics wouldn’t be able to do that kind of maths (on television with a live audience no less!).

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          And with Jimmy Carr peering at her! (I watch the 8 out of 10 cats version, obviously.)

          But I’m actually in awe of both her and Suzie Dent. I think I’m pretty good at anagrams, but then I’ll look at the board and come up with “skin” or something stupid, while Suzie rattles off the three eight-letter words up there.

      3. Blue Anne*

        Yes! My first serious boyfriend was finishing up his maths PhD at Edinburgh after doing undergrand and master’s at Cambridge… he was terrible at mental math, he always had me do it. “I don’t do that! That’s arithmetic!”

    3. DanaScully*

      I do *some* mental arithmetic, but in a situation where someone can say, “that’s wrong!” I prefer to use a calculator.

      I have issues with maths so I do lack a lot of confidence in my abilities.

      1. KR*

        There’s this too. Say the service person did it in your head and got it wrong (or the customer thought they would get it wrong), that makes them at best, not smart or incapable, and at wworst like she’s trying to rip off the customers. Calculators take out the guesswork.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

          Yes, this. When I was a server I always used a calculator to avoid disputes.

    4. nep*

      A friend was over a while back with her eight-year-old grandson. While we chatted he was reading a book in the next room. There was a page that included some handwriting. The boy came in and said: “Grandma, what does this say?”

      1. Blue Anne*

        I’m 28 and I really struggle to read cursive. It’s not relevant to many spheres any more. Unfortunately, I’m an accountant with a lot of elderly clients, so I’ve had to improve on that.

      2. Cristina in England*

        My four year old’s school has gone the other way: in order to make it easier to teach cursive later on, they now teach them to write their individual letters like cursive, just separated. As in, they do not teach them to print their letters!!

        1. Ermintrude Mulholland*

          Isn’t that normal? I am in the uk too – by print do you mean capitals? I’d be really angry if my child’s school wasn’t teaching her proper handwriting! (currently in reception)

        2. dawbs*

          ugh, they did this when I was a child. D’nelian style printing.
          Except I already knew how to print, so they made me recopy everything into fake-psudo-cursive.
          It’s obnoxious

    5. Tsalmoth*

      Oh, god. I was at a hotel coffee bar the other day, and gave the barista $3 — two $1 bills and a $1 coin — for my $2.15 drink. She gave me a dime in change, and I gently noted that the coin was dollar, not a quarter. She then got a dear-in-headlights look trying to figure out the correct new change, until I reminded her to just add another seventy-five cents.

        1. WellRed*

          Yes, they are gold with Sacajawea on them and have been around since….1999? They arent widely used. From childhood, I remember Silver Dollars and half dollars.

          1. Chris*

            Don’t forget the good ol’ Susan B. Anthony coin!
            I loved taking those into the dollar store when I was little and confusing the poor clerks.

          2. CAA*

            We also have silver colored Susan B Anthony coins from the late ’70s (our buses used to have a poster that said “Susan B agrees with me, paper dollars don’t”) and gold colored presidential coins from the past 10 years or so.

          3. Turkletina*

            They’re not widely used, but they sure are widely given as change at public transit ticket purchasing machines.

          4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            Also, there is a whole newish series with the presidents on them. We have customers (a customer) who likes to use them. Always fun to see Polk or someone else obscure. I would totally approve switching from dollar bills to dollar coins. Much easier to grab the right number.

            1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

              Oh, I didn’t know about those! I’ll look out for them next time I’m home.

              It used to be that you’d get dollar coins as change from the stamp machine at the post office. I imagine it probably takes cards now.

    6. Kiirsten*

      As a former waitress, I’ve been yelled at by enough customers because their mental maths and mine resulted in different answers (guess who got it right?) that I stopped trying and insisted on a calculator in order not to get into the “Are you calling me stupid?” argument yet again.

    7. Overeducated*

      Honestly I can do math just fine in my head but if I were the waiter I would get a calculator too. My first job was as a bank teller and I found that mistakes are easy to make, so when its your job on the line, always double check.

    8. Zathras*

      In addition to what others have said, it’s *significantly* easier to do the mental math when you are the customer vs. when you are the employee, and the customer is sitting there just hoping you will give them a chance to launch into their “Kids These Days” rant. (I’m not implying you do this KL, but it is a common thing. It’s part of the overall trend of people deliberately being jerks to customer service folks because they can.)

      It was also super common for the customer to be wrong and hand me some amount of change that didn’t help them – like, sure, but now you will receive 19 cents in loose change instead of 10 cents. I guess maybe they wanted more pennies?

      One thing I took away from working customer service – the person behind the register may help 100 people in a shift. Your only experience of their performance is their 1 interaction with you. You never know whether someone is truly incompetent, or whether you just happen to be the unlucky customer who caught them in a brain fart. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

      2. Crafty*

        Yup! Waited tables for a decade in upscale spots with tourists, so lots of check splitting. I didnt mind doing it but after the 100th time in one shift you split something up, you *have* to go on autopilot and run the math on the calculator. Servers have to keep 100000 thoughts in their heads at once, many of which are number based (ex: “table 702 needs 3 straws” so it’s just smarter and safer, especially since check splitting has become more popular in the past 10 years.

      3. Bryce*

        Clerks get such a look of relief when they need to change the receipt paper or some other issue crops up that means a delay and I say “no problem”. Paper runs out, ship happens, no need to take it out on them. It’s a shame so many people see it differently, whether out of entitlement or because they have scheduled their lives so tightly that an extra two minutes throws everything into chaos.

        Of course, maybe most folks are as easy-going as I am. You only remember the bad ones, after all, nobody comes home and says “I had 99 great customers today”..

    9. Wrench Turner*

      Sometimes my use of a calculator, even on a simple problem, is more for them than me. It’s a performance so they can see I’m not cheating.

    10. Blue_eyes*

      I used to be a teacher and tutor and I would frequently stop kids from reaching for their calculators, especially if it was an easy calculation to do mentally. One time a 15-year-old reached for his calculator to do a problem that involved dividing by 10. I put my hand over the calculator and asked him to just think about it for a second. He was easily able to do it in his head. I think it’s important for kids to still learn how to do simple calculations mentally – and more importantly, that they learn how to quickly identify which problems are easy to do mentally and which ones would probably be more efficient with a calculator. A calculator should be a tool, not a crutch.

    11. Red*

      I do mental math all the time, but I’m a math major with a full time job. I just don’t have the time to pull out a calculator for ever little thing lol. Mental math is just faster when you do it a lot.

    12. Epsilon Delta*

      I can do mental arithmetic, but slowly, (always have been, even when we had to do arithmetic worksheets every night for homework) and I feel put on the spot when someone asks me to do any kind of arithmetic with non-round numbers like 21.50. And I have a BS in mathematics. I tell people math got easier when you take the numbers out!

      I do agree it is an important skill for everyone to have though. If you key something into the calculator you should know approximately what the answer will be, so that you don’t split a bill of $21.50 into two $5.86 halves by keying it into the calculator wrong and blindly accepting the answer.

    13. fposte*

      I think it’s not just calculators but that people work on tills that do the work, so they don’t have much practice.

      And I thought handwriting ability had lost that battle (it certainly has with mine; it’s gone from bad to terrible). I also wonder about analog clock reading; I had a medical appointment and site identification used clockface directions. Wonder if that will need to find somebody else, or if a bunch of medical personnel will have to brush up on telling analog time in their professional studies?

    14. Thlayli*

      I think there were always a lot of people who were bad at arithmetic and 40 years ago they probably had it affect their lives badly. Try to reframe it in your mind like: Smartphones / calculators are assistive technology that allow someone who could not have done the job 40 years ago to do it now.
      Also I believe the UK school system does not teach mental arithmetic anymore in primary school, so it’s not just the fault of the smartphones.

    15. Lily Evans*

      I’ll do mental math when it’s low stakes, but if someone asked me at my job a math question that wasn’t immediately obvious (like half of ten or something) I’d use a calculator to be completely sure I was giving them the right number. If they had tried the math in their head and been wrong, would you still be complaining that no one can do mental math anymore?

      1. Stardust*

        I think “complaining” is a bit harsh–I read it as KL simply wondering and musing about changing norms.

        1. Blue Anne*

          Come on, “worry that the next generation will be almost completely dependent on gadgets” is very “kids these days!”

          1. Liz*

            Not every comment about younger people is a ‘kids these days’ thing. Which part of that do you disagree with?

        2. Lily Evans*

          Everyone interprets tone differently through text and to me the very first line gave it a tone of complaint with the way “/try/” was emphasized. If it wasn’t meant that way, I think there’s value in knowing how your words are interpreted by others when there’s such a diverse audience reading them. I’m 25 so comments like this might rub me the wrong way more quickly than they would for people of other ages, just because so often they are meant negatively.

    16. Myrin*

      With that particular example you chose I agree with others re: it being harder to do even simple things while others are watching and waiting, service folks preferring calculators as “proof”, and the amount of interactions like this waiters and retail workers experience on an hourly basis.

      In general, though, I’d agree that people don’t try as hard with this stuff anymore (probably because they don’t have to). I’m quite good at mental arithmetic but that’s because I intentionally do a bit of it every day so I’m used to it (it’s a weird thing my whole family does). It’s certainly something that has to do with practice.

    17. Not So NewReader*

      Uh. That waiter’s boss may not allow anyone to work without a calc. Please don’t slam him for following company policy.
      As an aside, using a calc slows down con artists who are trying to rip off businesses. It cuts the flow of conversation so it is easier for the employee to control what is happening. Many cons run on speed, do it fast so there is massive confusion and things seem right but really aren’t.

      I made the mistake of paying for a $2K item in cash. The man became so rattled that I went and sat down. I said, “Take your time, prove to yourself that the money is there. If your drawer comes up short tonight you will want to blame me. So go slow and prove it now. I will wait.” It took him a good 15 minutes to count it. That was the last time I bought a big ticket item with cash.

    18. Blue Anne*

      I’m good at mental math, but still, I always remember when my 3rd grade teacher was going over times tables with us and said “You won’t always have a calculator in your pocket!”

      I do, in fact, now always have a calculator in my pocket. There are so many things people have to keep track of that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with offloading that bit of mental processing to their phones. I don’t have a problem with them setting themselves reminders, using GPS to get somewhere, or googling the definition of a word, either. It’s all the same thing.

      Plus, many servers are instructed to use calculators in that situation so you don’t end up yelling at them if you think they’re wrong.

    19. Won't Be Fooled Again.*

      If you don’t get a calculator, someone at the table is going to disagree with your math and/or try to scam you out of money that you will then have to pay back to the establishment. If a customer does the math, you still have to check with the calculator. It’s not about not being “able” to do it. It’s about not being stolen from. Sorry, but please be aware nobody can tell how honest you are by looking at you.

    21. Elizabeth West*

      Well, I CAN’T do mental arithmetic, so my answer would not be representative! But I do feel like we should still at least be able to write legibly, tell time on an analog clock, SPELL PROPERLY (seriously, it has repercussions for communication), and have some semblance of public decorum. These are all skills we may need after the zombie apocalypse, or the giant EMP from the sun that will decimate all those little gadgets.

      Now get off my lawn! ;)

    22. MsChanandlerBong*

      This sort of thing drives me nuts. I try to be patient and recognize that not everyone is lucky enough to a) not have learning disabilities and b) have good math teachers, but I still get annoyed sometimes. My cousin (who is a math teacher) and I were shopping at JCPenney a while back, and one of the items rang up incorrectly. It was supposed to be 75% off. We alerted the cashier to the error, and she started mashing buttons on the calculator with a panicked look in her eye. Finally, she said, “Well that’s not how we do percentages here.” We had to ask for the manager to come down and figure out what the price was supposed to be and tell the clerk to ring it up that way. That’s why it’s so important to know how to do mental math–if you don’t know how to do the math, you aren’t necessarily going to know which buttons to push on the phone/calculator.

    23. Courageous cat*

      I definitely wouldn’t do that in my head, especially at work when I’m juggling a bunch of things at once. Math, even simple arithmetic, is very much a skill that doesn’t come naturally to a lot of people. Worse yet, it’s frequently something that people get made to feel bad for not having, so it’s kind of a double whammy.

    24. NaoNao*

      I think there’s two reasons many people aren’t strong with mental math: easy access calculators, and reliance on service people to do the math for them!
      When I worked retail, I used to joke that a % off sign (without one of those little charts that spell out “If price is 5.00, 20% price is now 4.00! and so on) is scarier than the silhouette of a knife on the other side of their shower curtain.
      Customers would ask me every day what the price of a 9.99 item was at 50% off. What 30% 30.00 or 60.00 was.
      Customers would sashay into the dressing room with absolute heaps of clothing and then be shocked at the register when the total would be 500.00. Uh, you have 6 items, all of which are 80.00, hon. What did you think the price would be?
      When shopping, I have a trick I use to add items and get a rough estimate of how much it will be: all basic grocery items (such as bread, eggs, etc) are 2$. This accounts for items that are both less than (.79 cents) and slightly more (2.22). Specialty items such as shampoo, pastas, baked goods, cheeses, are 4$. Any unusual items like cat litter or cosmetics get added at the price I know they are.
      Generally, I’ll be within 10$ of the total if I quickly add my cart up and ensure I’m within budget.
      I can also add, do % off, and do tip.
      I’m like a magician to my friends and family : )

      1. Al Lo*

        My Costco trick is similar: Excluding big purchases, my cart will be within $10 one direction or the other of (# items x $10). If I’m doing just a regular Costco run, it works like a charm.

    25. Bryce*

      I can understand the waiter doing it because for something like a bill you want to be sure you don’t mess up somewhere. As for higher-level math folks, it was a running joke in my group of physics majors that in order to learn advanced math the brain discarded the basic stuff. The reality of it is when you’re looking over an equation making sure all the high-level complicated stuff is correct, it’s easy to miss that you added 1+1 and got 11.

    26. Lauren R*

      Okay no offense, but if you knew the answer and to you it was easy, why didn’t you just…tell them the answer? The “she couldn’t be bothered to try” part just rubs me the wrong way when clearly she DID try – she went to get the calculator and do the math, she didn’t just stand there or tell you she wouldn’t split it for you. I get the overall point about mental math but using a waitress example to make the point just seems off, for reasons many have stated (power dynamic, store policy, etc).

      I have so much gratitude for people who are understanding about my calculator use at work (at a grocery store) because I definitely get the deer-in-headlights look when asked to do mental math in front of customers. In my case I actually have a learning disability that makes it difficult (I can do it, it just takes more time and if I’m under pressure I’ll probably get it wrong, ironically due to being embarrassed at the time it takes) but even if I didn’t and was just bad with numbers, it doesn’t make sense to me when people get high-and-mighty about a calculator. It’s so humiliating and upsetting when people treat you like you’re stupid because they’re able to do the math quickly while under no pressure to perform and you’re struggling to figure it out while pleasantly serving them and juggling a million other things in a noisy store after being on your feet for hours while a bunch people are in line behind them getting antsy (all while having to maintain a calm and cheerful exterior no matter what they throw at you).

      Basically: if you want your bill split, I will gladly do that because it’s my job and I really do want to make your experience a good one. If you want your bill split without a calculator, a) why? this is a simple transaction, not a principled statement about the state of mathematics education, and b) too bad because I’m just trying to get you in and out and serve the next person and if using a calculator makes it faster and more accurate, that’s what is best for everyone including you. (To be fair though, I do keep a calculator on me so no one has to wait while I run get it or anything.) I don’t mean to be harsh here but this is definitely one of those mundane things that strikes a major chord with me. Doesn’t sound like you were rude to her but a surprising number of people choose to be and it’s very nerve-wracking when you aren’t sure which way even a seemingly very kind person is going to react.

      1. Tassie Tiger*

        Fellow cashier here! I have a disability and using a calculator helps me be faster and calmer, and give a better guest experience. -Jedi hugs-

    27. tigerStripes*

      The waiter probably has a lot of other things to do during work than mental arithmetic. Why is this so important to you? A waiter spends a lot of hours hurrying back and forth, reciting the specials, getting food, avoiding spilling food on customers who suddenly get up and are right in their way, dealing with obnoxious customers (not you, I’m sure, but others), on their feet all day. I think it’s reasonable to cut people a little slack, especially people in a low paid, tough to work at job.

    28. Not Australian*

      OMG, I’ve *so* been there. It’s not that long since I had to tell my doctor – who has presumably had an extensive scientific education – that 8 is roughly 66% of 12.

  16. Rookie Manager*

    Today I hurt. The change in weather is affecting my bones and they hurt. I think I also have the start of a cold/sore throat. I’m also mid fight with my partner, I don’t know which of us will cave first.

    However, I am up early on a Saturday because I am determined to paint my bedroom today. Did all the prep after work last night (inc moving furniture etc) so all ready to get going. So despite feeling rubbish and grumpy I am going to have a really purposeful weekend.

    Anyone else doinh something useful/needed despite not feeling it this weekend?

    1. Jemima Bond*

      I’m sure you’ll feel better for it – a sense of accomplishment is bound to help your mood!
      I am planning to spend the weekend not achieving very much except demanding attention because I turn forty on Monday and I’m really not sure how I feel about that.

    2. Julia*

      If you can do it, zinc and rest should kill a cold before it gets worse.

      I’m sorry you’re hurting.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Working a book fair. Up way too early. Laying on ice packs. Have to walk the dog in ten minutes. Have to get started on my day. Achey bones. Dreading the day.

    3. WellRed*

      Have a mild cold that is sapping my energy. I need to go to the mall for new jeans ahead if work trip next week. Also need groceries and to cook for lunches. I don’t want to get off couch.

    4. Wrench Turner*

      The exercise of painting a room might help you feel better, boosting your metabolism a bit and maybe helping you fight the cold, too. Partners, not so much. Good luck with that.

    5. DanaScully*

      I find changes in weather really impact my pain levels. I am diagnosed with ME and possibly also have fibromyalgia.

      I find painting to be quite therapeutic and calming – hopefully you have a similar experience.

      This weekend my OH and I are in the countryside. The drive up here was slightly grueling but now we’re here it’s really quiet and serene. As it’s not our house I’m not looking around worrying about all the chores I need to do whilst attempting to relax!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Dunno if this counts. I had two teeth pulled yesterday. My big goal for the day is to read AAM and catnap. No, not really working on anything.

    8. Blue Anne*

      I’m at work. Monday is the filing deadline for 2016 tax returns that are on extension.

      I hate everything.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      Ugh, me too. I didn’t sleep well last night and tried to take a walk this afternoon–I was only able to do one lap instead of two, so that’s all I did. And the ragweed must be happening because I’ve been sneezing my fool head off. :P I am taking it easy today as tomorrow is my usual cleaning day.

    10. Rookie Manager*

      A mini update… 3 coats went up today and I love the colour, going to do the woodwork in the morning. I now have a full on cold but painting distracted me from my pains but gave me hand blisters! Definitely feel that sense of achievment. (Partner took himself off somewhere for the day. We can un-fight tomorrow)

      Hope the various walks, relaxing and painting went well. Thanks for the encouragement earlier.

  17. Doing the right thing is exhausting*

    So on Wednesday this week I was walking merrily along to the bus stop when I spotted a purse on the floor (note I’m in the UK, where a purse is like a wallet, not a bag).

    Three other women converged on it just after me and we all stood around hoping the owner was going to materialise so we didn’t have to decide what to do. Unfortunately they didn’t, and when we peeked in there was money in but no ID.

    As the first person to pick it up I somehow ended up being the person to take it to the police station. I called the police to check where to take it and they told me, and said to get a receipt so I can have the money if it’s not claimed (I probably wouldn’t have thought of this if they hadn’t said).

    The police station is now right at the other end of town from where we were and I ended up getting the bus… except 1) I initially got on the wrong bus as the stops have changed, then 2) when I got into the right bus I tried to use my bus pass, forgetting that it doesn’t cover that part of town. So I had to pay to get there.

    When I got to the police station I had to wait about ten minutes as there was only one person on the desk and he was dealing with someone else who seemed to have a very complicated situation. Then when he finally took a break from them to deal with me it took approximately one hundred years for him to a) understand there was no id in the wallet, b) find out that no one had already reported it missing, and c) I wanted a receipt so that if it’s not claimed I can get the money.

    By the time I got back to where I’d started it had taken 90 minutes out of my afternoon.

    By which time I heartily wished I’d let someone else deal with it.

    If someone who was having money troubles had found it I would not at all blame them for ditching the purse and keeping the money, because it was such a bloody faff.

    1. DanaScully*

      You did a good thing! Despite all the faff which I’m sure you could have done without.

      Where I live, we have a lost and found page on Facebook. Sometimes people post on there to ask if anyone has picked up what they’ve lost. There seems to be a great success rate. I wonder if you might have one where you live?

    2. Nye*

      I once found a diamond ring (very likely an engagement ring) on the sidewalk in my neighborhood. It was a busy commercial district so no way to determine whose it was. I called the non-emergency police line, they were great, and told me I could bring it to the station and turn it in (in case someone reported it missing). Great! Will do. Went to the station and had a miserable experience like yours – took forever, the officer on duty clearly had no idea why I wasn’t just keeping it, and made me fill out an incident report despite the lack of an incident. It was made clear to me that this time would go into evidence (because of the incident report) and then “destroyed”. Made me feel like turning it in was absolutely the wrong thing to do and that keeping it and putting up fliers would have been a more likely way of reuniting it with its owner.

      1. the gold digger*

        I found a diamond ring, too! I took it to the police station (four miles away) and they wanted me to do all that stuff. I said, Nope, I’m busy. Not going to do that.

        I left the ring on the counter and left. After reading what you went through, I am really glad I left!

        1. Not Australian*

          Even handing in lost property you find on a train is complicated. It took ages to fill in forms for the scarf I found on a train at Euston, so when I later found a pair of gloves I just handed them to the guard.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sympathies! It is so annoying when doing the right thing is met with incomprehension, thick-headed-ness (if that’s not a word, it should be), arguments, and other unhelpful human behavior. As the saying goes, “No good deed goes unpunished” but I also like your posting handle.

      I hope you had/have another day this week that is amazingly free of irritants, just to balance things out.

    4. tigerStripes*

      You never know though, maybe this was money that someone had saved for years and was going to use it for something important and is freaking out, and maybe because of what you did, they’ll get it back.

      I may have watched too many Disney movies. Then again, I once dropped about $5 when I was in college and fairly broke, and someone picked it up and gave it back to me, which I deeply appreciated. You did the right thing.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I once left my handbag inside a display car in a mall. In Saint Louis.
        I realized it pretty quick and we made a hasty return to the car, which was empty. So we went to the information desk, just in case, and someone had turned in the purse. All contents intact. They didn’t even unzip it.

        In SAINT LOUIS. #fookingangel <3

    5. M is for Mulder*

      I feel your pain.

      Back in July there was a stray dog in the road on my way home. A guy passing the other way in a pickup stopped and pulled onto the grass shoulder to help, and I had no choice but to stop since the dog was in my lane.

      Before all was said and done, the pickup guy had been rear-ended by a woman speeding and using her phone while driving. I was bitten by the dog, and my doctor reported it to the state who started calling and sending me harrassing letters to get rabies shots, despite the doctor saying I didn’t need them.

      I’m basically no longer inclined to help anyone do anything.

      1. Bryce*

        Years ago while waiting for the bus a woman came up to me asking for bus fare, gave a sob story about needing to get across town to her kids. I didn’t have any cash on me, so I gave her my bus ticket, the last one I had. She went ballistic, “what the **** am I supposed to get with this” tore it up and stormed off. Naturally, halfway through my 4-mile walk home, it started raining. Not badly, but it sure enhanced the mood.

        It’s been real hard to take anyone at face value after that.

    6. Doing the right thing is exhausting*

      I like that both Scully and Mulder commented on this.

      Thanks all. I’m still glad I did the right thing but it helps to hear others understanding the frustration!

  18. Not My Usual Name*

    After my post the other week on attending a fitness studio with somebody from a former job which did not end well, I am finding the classes are not so enjoyable, so I am attending and hoping they are not there. I think this is more personal then work related, as I think the same feelings would apply if it was somebody who used to be a friend with whom I had fallen out/they had suddenly decided to break contact. Basically, every time you see them, it reminds you of a situation you would rather forget. It doesn’t help either when the classes are quite full and there is little room to move.

    1. Effie, who is herself, and is moving forward without self judgement*

      Ooh, that sucks. Is the studio a single location or a chain where you could perhaps transfer the classes to another location?

      I understand that gut-punch feeling, even if you’re mentally prepared to see them it can still take you by surprise, and it’s never a good feeling to have when you’re trying to get your workout on. I don’t have any advice, as I’ve found for me taking some space is best and then through gradual repeated exposure the gut-punch feeling tends to go away. Do the classes expire/are they on a strict timeline or could you perhaps take a few weeks away from the studio?

    1. nep*

      Winter is coming and I’m now remembering I was supposed to move to another part of the country (or world) so as not to have to deal with another winter.

      1. Wrench Turner*

        I was hoping for my career to change enough to buy a place in the Virgin Islands, but that’s not happening. Looks like another season of big jackets.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I was supposed to move to California and be lolling on the beach well before it got cold. No dice. Storms late tonight, and the low tomorrow night will be 39 F. It’s 87 right now. In October.

        The only thing I am happy about is that I get to wear my scarves again. It was just too bloody humid this summer for even the lightest ones.

    2. London Calling*

      Yay! summer kit packed away, jumpers out, fleeces and throws ready. And I made my first batch of soup today – my go-to weekend lunch through the winter. Now all I have to do is master the thermostat on the new boiler and I’m set (heating currently not needed in London as it’s low 20s and I have the windows open).

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Reading that as “low 20s Farenheit” got me started on a double-take. Then I reminded myself that London (and much of the rest of the world) uses Metric.

        Heh. I like cold weather myself but open windows are not a long-term event in winter.

        1. London Calling*

          Ha, I’m tough but not that tough. Probably the last weekend I’ll be able to have the windows open like this.

    3. Applesauced*

      Me too! My husband and I are thinking of leaving the northeast (I’ve posted about it before) and his current pick is Austin – I hate his idea as it means 7 months where it’s too hot to go outside and no fall or winter!

  20. AnnaleighUK*

    Life advice: don’t leave your hand in the path of the auto-closing weighted door of a walk in freezer. It blinkin’ hurts, as one of my fiance’s employees has just found out. Bless her. I’m sat here being nursemaid (I am a first aider) while we wait for her mum to come and get her. Nothing broken as far as we can tell but she learned a little lesson today about industrial freezers! Ouch!

    In other news, the cafe is really thriving. And we had our offer accepted on the flat so that’s awesome. We’re moving in December and living above work will make life easier for Fiance and I will have a shorter commute. Hurrah!

      1. AnnaleighUK*

        My work is still a couple of miles away, but he’s going to be living over his work. I was unclear while typing and nursing Teenage Employee’s hand! She’s fine, bruised and a bit teary and her mum was more amused than worried.

        1. nep*

          Glad she’s OK. (In initial comment, I was so enchanted with your set-up there, forgot to ask about the injured one.)
          All the best.

          1. AnnaleighUK*

            The door now has a very large sign on it saying ‘Please remember this door is weighted and closes automatically’. And underneath, because the cafe employees are hilarious ‘victims claimed: 1’.

            It’s kind of nice that we have such a goofy, good natured staff. Teenage Employee who was hurt phoned in to say she’s okay but the doctor has strapped up her hand and in her words ‘no omlette flipping for me for a week’. She’s allowed to work but obviously cuz her hand is strapped up she can’t pan-wrangle.

            Busy day! I’m working my usual job during the week then working the till/register in the cafe on Saturdays. I’d love for the cafe to get to the point where I can kick in my 9 to 5 and work there full time but not quite yet…

  21. DanaScully*

    We are spending our weekend in the Lake District and it’s so *beautiful* and quiet here. The weather isn’t great but it’s so wonderful to look out of the window and see this: https://imgur.com/a/83DL6

    I hope all of you have a great weekend.

      1. DanaScully*

        It is such a beautiful place. Photographs don’t really do it justice! I hope you do get to visit some day.

  22. Ramona Flowers*

    Currently en route to emergency vet appointment with injured kitty. Please send good thoughts.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      Well, my cat is now wearing a cone of shame and is not very pleased about it. Another cat attacked him. He is the sweetest cat and all the staff are just in love with him. He is okay, though he has some nasty wounds. I am basically a complete wreck however. And trying not to believe it’s my doing because the other day I was thinking about how awful it would be if he died (thanks, anxiety Jerkbrain).

      1. Caledonia*

        Poor kitty. Hope both you and kitty feel better soon.

        Mine was ill about a month ago and it really scared me :( my anxiety was pretty awful for a few days after until I knew my cat was on the road to recovery. You’ll get through this.

      2. Mm Hmm*

        Poor kitty, poor you.
        I keep hearing about people using paper plates instead of cones of shame for cats. Cut a x in the center big enough to slide over the head. Trim to fit as needed. Fortunately haven’t had occasion to try it yet.

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Nope, he’d have that off too! Won’t tolerate anything, even a collar which I refuse to put on him anyway because I worry about him getting caught on tree branches plus I’m a hippie who thinks collars are selfish human inventions

    7. Ramona Flowers*

      The patient just actually ate the medication I put in his food, to my considerable surprise. He is doing well but furious at his humans for refusing to let him out / much singing the song of his people.

  23. Cynthia*

    Eep. I’m in a cafe having a lazy Saturday morning (in the UK if you’re wondering about time zones) with a nice coffee and pastry…and then I go drop the plate and it’s broken.

    The waitresses were really nice about it and cleaned it up with no fuss at all, but I’m still so embarrassed! I’m still here because I haven’t finished my coffee yet but I feel like I should run away.

    1. nep*

      Stuff happens. Pastries fall. Plates break. (I get it, though — I think anyone would feel a bit embarrassed in the moment.) Hope you got another pastry. Enjoy your coffee and your Saturday.

    2. Wrench Turner*

      Leave a nice tip for the waitresses. Not that they don’t deal with a hundred broken plates a week but it may make you feel better.

    3. fposte*

      Once, at my local hardware store, I got a quart of bright blue paint mixed. Then, when I was waiting in line to pay, I somehow let it slip out of my hands and it hit the ground and absolutely *exploded*. They were incredibly nice about it, in a low-key way that really seemed like they were taking it in stride, but I was glad when they remodeled a couple of years ago and I could no longer still see blue paint around the bottom edges of the front counter.

      We’ve all done stuff. It’s okay.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I did this once with a gallon of milk at a small grocery. Luckily it was in the parking lot, but what a mess. They gave me a new gallon, for which I was exceedingly grateful as that was my last money!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      All the waitress wants is for you to let go of the embarrassment. It’s a pretty normal thing and not worth getting upset over. You apologized which is more than most people do. She’s fine.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      You apologised, which is more than most would do!

      When I was living in Poland, my friend and I were at a restaurant during the spring (so we were sitting outside). I was facing the restaurant door, so I had a front-row seat when the waitress walked out, stumbled on the little step going down from the door, and dropped a tray with four beers, two of which went down the neck of the man sitting off to the side. To her credit she picked everything up, helped the customer mop off, cleaned up the broken glass, and got more beers, all by herself. I was so, so embarrassed for her. My friend and I agreed she was very classy and cool about the whole thing; we would have run home and never shown our faces again in public, ever.

  24. Not so sweet tooth*

    In the category of ‘stuff I’ve always done that I didn’t realise was probably not normal’: I’ve never been able to eat sweet stuff without having water at hand. Even a small (like, fun-size) piece of chocolate. I just hate the lingering ‘stickiness’ (for lack of a better word) that it leaves behind. Similar for stuff like cake or even ice cream. Sometimes I’d see something eat an entire chocolate bar without having to take a drink (or worse, drinking something sugary along with it) and can’t understand how they can stand it. Maybe it’s just my palate, but it’s not like I don’t /like/ those things, I just can’t stand having the feel of it linger. Is that odd?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m the same! And I don’t get how anyone can eat a meal without drinking something after the last bite.

      1. Cristina in England*

        I am the opposite! If I have just eaten something particularly good, especially something warm/hot, I don’t want to erase the taste with (most likely cold) water for at least 5 minutes.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          And I had gastric bypass, which means I actually shouldn’t drink anything for a half hour after eating. It was hard initially because certain foods just require water with or after, but I’m used to it now.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Sugar is hygroscopic, meaning it draws water. If a person is low on hydration to begin with then eating sugary things could make them notice that they really need a drink of water.

    3. Blue Anne*

      I understand. I have that feeling with fruit juice. I like orange juice, but I only have it very occasionally because I need to drink a glass of water straight after.

      1. Bryce*

        I tend to cut juice half with water, particularly orange and grapefruit. Cuts down on the sugar and I’ve also found it takes care of that issue for me.

    4. M is for Mulder*

      I think chocolate has a strange texture, which could be part of it. I can be doing the groddiest, filthiest yard work or car repair and be fine, but if I get chocolate on my hands I must wash them RIGHT NOW.

    5. Book Lover*

      I find hot tea works the best for this :). Chocolate especially but also sweet pastries and so on….

  25. Brunch ideas*

    I’ll be having 6 adults and 3 kids <5 over Sunday for brunch.

    It's my 4 year old's birthday and she's requested cinnamon rolls- done.

    What else do I serve? No dietary restrictions. Was thinking smitten kitchens asparagus goat cheese frittata but I need more food. Don't really want to deal with a ham, but should I?

    The more prep-ahead-friendly the better.

    3. Loopy*

      Having a nice assortment of cut up fruit is easy and a nice balance to sweet bread stuff :) Cantaloupe and some berries or something.

    4. Colette*

      Fruit tray. Muffins. Hash brown in the slow cooker (a package of frozen hash browns, layer with cheese (and onions if you want), beat a dozen eggs and pour over the top, cook on low overnight or on high 4 hours). Yogurt.

    5. Natalie*

      You can do a lot of stuff that you prep the day before and then cook in the oven – bacon, potatoes, egg bakes, etc.

      A simple green salad is easy to throw together and a nice contrast to breakfast food.

    6. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Look up overnight crockpot breakfast casserole recipes. There are a ton! We’ve done that for Christmas brunch the last couple of years.

  26. Loopy*

    I’ve never been huge into costumes but tonight I’m doing my first (sort of) cosplay for a decently sized event (300-400 people). It’s not a real con but it’s costly themed. The friend and I didn’t really have the money, time, knowledge, or patience to do it super right or great so I think we found a decent middle ground. We are going to be generic members of the night’s watch from Game of Thrones and be recruiting for Jon Snow.

    I’m thinking of making a sign to carry around that says something like “Winter is Coming. Join Today” and we have these little cards I made to hand out. We also have super fake kids swords for some “demonstrations” (if the opportunities arise).

    I’m really hoping the quirkiness makes up for the fact our cloaks were made with not enough fabric or any research on how to actually make a cloak (no sewing was involved haha).

    I’m weirdly nervous. Has anyone else done anything like this who is not a super crafty person??

    1. Thlayli*

      Not cosplay but I do have a crappy Halloween costume story – one year my cousin and I zipped our jackets together and went trick or treating as conjoined twins.

    2. LCL*

      You will have more fun than you ever imagined. Make sure you all have candy to hand out, make it part of the shtick. I think your idea is awesome and fun!

      1. Loopy*

        Ahhh this event is totally food centric so the candy wouldn’t quite work BUT I am super excited I found this Raven Halloween decoration at the dollar store and in the show they use ravens to send messages so I bought it and figured out how to attach little messages and now we can throw it to people!!

        Feeling better about my costume’s lack of effort. At least we have a Raven!

  27. Mela*

    Any recommendations for short story/essay collections?

    I love Lydia Davis, Roxanne Gay, Leesa Cross Smith, Chuck Klosterman. I haven’t read anything by her but Carmen Maria Machado seems to be up my alley.

    3. Julia*

      I used to read Sylvia Plath a lot when I was in middle school. (I was a weird middle schooler.) Her short stories and essays are less depressing than The Bell Jar, if I remember correctly, and she was a terrific writer.

    4. NeverNicky*

      My favourite short story writer is Alice Munro. She is amazing.

      Totally different but also excellent is Neil Gaiman.

      Others I like: Annie Proulx, Ray Bradbury. The Granta anthologies can be a mixed bag but can offer up authors to explore

      1. nep*

        A friend gave me a book of Alice Munro stories a while back — she was raving about her saying I just had to read her. I’ll have to pick it up.

    5. Parenthetically*

      I… I know Leesa Cross Smith and had no idea she was well-known and now I feel dumb and proud? Haha!

      1. Mela*

        Hah, I wouldn’t say she’s particularly well-known, but I do love her work! Feel free to tell her that a random internet person literally *cannot* wait for her novel coming out in March. As in, I was on a date last Tuesday and was telling him all about how excited I am to see where these characters’ story goes.

    6. PM-NYC*

      If you like funny essays, I can’t recommend “We are Never Meeting in Real Life” by Samantha Irby enough. It’s very irreverent & full of swears (not sure if that’s your thing) but it’s as great mix of humor and serious.

      1. New Bee*

        I was just scrolling down to recommend her book–it was great! So we’re both of Mindy Kaling’s books.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      Anything by David Sedaris for essays, and Shirley Jackson for short stories, especially if you like weird.

  28. savory dishes*

    A friend of mine is having her birthday soon and I would like to cook/bake for her but she’s not into sweets. Any savory treat ideas?

    3. Overeducated*

      If you want savory but not a full meal, fresh bread is always nice, or maybe a cheesy shortbread.

    5. Jiddy*

      In similar situations, I usually make a really nice quiche and just try to fancy it up a bit with higher quality cheese/meat than I would normally use if I were just making it for dinner.

    6. Aealias*

      Cheese-stuffed soft pretzels. Enough of a pain that you know you’ve made an effort, and SO good. Better Homes has a good pretzel recipe, and I just roll it around strips of fancy cheese.

      Mushroom/Brie/thyme turnovers are relatively simple, and also delicious.

      Or twice-baked-potato wedges, the world’s most awesome cold leftovers.

    7. peggy*

      My now-wife had her 32nd birthday about a month after we started dating. I’ve always been a baker but she hates sweets, and I still wanted to do something special. I made her a huevos rancheros casserole that I decorated like a cake (puréed avocado piped on with a pastry bag, “Happy birthday” with crema, candles, etc.). I also made taco cupcakes (wonton wraps baked into little cups in a muffin tin, filled with layers of meat, cheese, beans, topped with salsa, more avocado “frosting”).

      Pretty sure that’s how she fell in love with me so be careful making these for your friend. ;)

  29. nep*

    Trigger warning: Mention of sexual assault.

    I was sexually assaulted as a child. By someone we knew. I’ve never told anyone about it, save for a vague reference while talking with a close friend on one occasion, when he was sharing (vaguely) something similar. It’s about 40 years later and I can’t envision myself saying it to someone.
    It doesn’t weigh on me (at least as far as I know), but I do think of it from time to time, especially in times when there are revelations of such things in the headlines.
    Alison feel free to delete if you don’t want this kind of comment here. Thanks.

    2. JenM*

      I’m sorry this happened to you. There’s no one way/right way to deal with trauma and you are the only person who gets to decide whether you talk about it or not. I’m glad you’re doing well.

    3. fposte*

      Nep, I’m so sorry. I hope it’s helpful that we’re here to listen.

      I know about stuff that doesn’t feel like it’s left you deeply scarred but you also don’t really have a venue to acknowledge.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I am so sorry.

      I have met people who never wanted to discuss it. I don’t know first hand, of course, but it seemed like it was the right decision for them. Others go the opposite way. I don’t think there is a one size fits all answer.

      May life show you many, many kind people of integrity.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Not discussing it made sense for most of my life, until it didn’t. I found an excellent counselor who helped me talk through the parts of my life that had been changed/impacted by it. We met for only a short time but it made a huge difference. I think everyone’s responses and needs are different and openness to those needs changing is important. If any of that makes sense.

      Good thoughts to you.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      *lots of hugs*
      I’ve been a lot more open about things that happened to me, especially lately. But that is a personal choice. I only have lingering effects in certain situations, and if I think I’m going to be in those situations, I warn the person I’m with so they won’t inadvertently cause me to panic. People deal with things in very different ways and there is no right or wrong way.

  30. Mallory Janis Ian*

    Once in a while, my cat will chase her tail, and when she catches it, she will hiss at it. I’ve seen plenty of cats playfully chase their tails before, but I’ve never seen one hiss at their tail, and I wonder what in the world it means. Usually there’s just hissing, but this morning she caught her tail and there was hissing and some growling. She seems healthy and fine. My husband examined her tail to see if maybe she had some tenderness or pain there, but there didn’t seem to be any. She had a urinary tract infection once, and the pain from that caused her to hiss in the litter box, but we can’t figure out if this hissing comes from some sort of pain, or is just part of the game of chasing her tail.

    1. Allypopx*

      You could ask at her next vet visit but I’d wager it’s just part of the game. Tail chasing is a kind of hunting game, some cats get excited about it and show minor aggression signs at their tail. As long as she’s not hurting herself it should be fine. I’ve had cats bite at their tails when they catch it too – just a personality variation.

    2. nep*

      I once saw a video in which a cat was chasing the tail — hissing quite a bit while chasing/playing. Perhaps some just do that as part of the pursuit? I’ll be interested in the responses.

    3. dawbs*

      I had a dog who tried to chew hers off every time she caught it (but I think that’s an IQ thing, for that dog–loved and missed but we’re realistic about her level of dumb)…

      I’d assume game if that’s the only time she’s hissing–it might be that when she catches it, it hurts a bit, so she’s hissing at herself the ssame way I swear at myself when I stub my toe

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      My guess is that she gets overexcited, then scares herself a little when she feels something grab her tail! Remember, they can be clever, but they’re still cats. :)

      And I would have done the same, handle her tail just a little firmly to see if she reacts more than usual. As someone said earlier about the dog, animals are good at hiding some discomfort as a defense, so when their behavior changes we try to check ours for guarding or tenderness.

      1. Red Reader*

        Haha. When my dog was a baby-baby, like 10 weeks old, she used to sleep in my lap with her paws in her face. She’d wake up just enough to grizzle at them, then nip at them, and then get very upset. In my head, it went “mama, someone has their toes in my face. If they don’t get their toes outta my face I’m gonna chew on em. MAMA SOMEONE IS CHEWING ON MY TOES.” (I narrate both my dogs a lot. It entertains me during the day when I’m the only one home, and carries over into the rest of my life by habit. Hah.)

    5. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Sounds like all of this confirms what I initially thought: that this is just part of the game. She doesn’t exhibit any odd behaviors outside of the tail-catching game, and the game itself starts normally (with her gazing off into the distance and pretending to ignore her tail while tempting herself with tail twitches in her periphery). The hissing and growling was just more animation than I’ve ever seen from any of my other cats. Which, come to think of it, is actually characteristic of her — she’s a real piece of work :-)

      1. nep*

        Isn’t it hilarious when cats do that aloof thing — when they know they’re going to go after something, and they stare off as if ignoring…they lick a paw…all the while plotting the attack.

        1. Rainy*

          Our younger cat does that and I always call it “luring [thing] into a false sense of security”. She’s the first cat I’ve ever had who chases her tail (and I’ve had a lot of cats), and the first few times she did it I was convinced there was something wrong with her.

          I still am, honestly, she is a weird-ass cat. But adorable.

          1. nep*

            Exactly — that’s what it looks like. The cat’s saying “Ah, I’m done here. Not paying attention to that thing anymore…” Then POUNCE. Love it.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Funny tail-chasing story:

        When we were kids, we had a mostly outdoor cat who liked to chase her tail. She would go round and round in circles after it and it was hilarious, but she only did it when she didn’t think anyone was looking. One time she was doing it in the back yard, and I was watching her through the sliding glass door. I got up and opened the door, and she immediately stopped and sat up with both paws together in this very dignified pose and looked at me like, “YOU SAW NOTHING HUMAN.” LOL

        RIP Riggy! Here is a picture of her in the world’s ugliest chair, under the world’s ugliest curtains. XD
        imgur.com/1vqifxN.jpg

    6. fposte*

      I think as long as it’s only once in a while that she chases her tail, it’s probably just part of play, especially if her tail doesn’t seem tender otherwise.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Is she bored?

      My dog will do some weird stuff that I won’t describe here. I talked to the vet and she said he needed exercise and he was bored. I got him more toys and redirected the behavior when I saw him doing that behavior.

    8. M is for Mulder*

      One of my cats attacks and bites his own foot, like it’s an enemy to be subdued. It’s always the left rear foot. I think it’s just part of their crazy.

    9. blackcat*

      It took my parents cat growing out of kittenhood before he would stop *attacking* his tail. He’d chase it, bite it, yowl, sometimes hiss, and then sit there mournfully grooming it. Once or twice he broke the skin. I think the hissing was pain related. Eventually (around age 1.5-2), he grew out of this habit. It was baffling, though, particularly since he is otherwise a highly intelligent cat. (Unlike my cat, who is dumb as nails, but has never been a tail-chaser).

    10. Sibley*

      It’s quite common for cats to vocalize while playing, and that can change with age and circumstances. I’ve heard hisses, growls, chirps, trills, meows, and plenty more out of mine. Other cats are much quieter. I’d just enjoy the entertainment. :)

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        This cat is entertaining, alright. She has crazy high levels of energy, so she’ll run through the house with her ears plastered back and her pupils dilated until her irises almost disappear (then we say she’s “turnt”).

        At the height of this craziness, she’ll jump up the door frame and hang there with her front and back claws sunk into the wood and look at us with this wild gleam in her eye; at this point, we say she is “the great Cornholio” (Beavis and Butthead). If she jumps five feet up the door frame, we say she’s five feet of crazy. She’s eight years old now, so she usually only gets three to five feet of crazy. When she was younger, she’d regularly get six or seven feet of crazy.

  31. Kat*

    I want to go to Berlin at the end of the month for a few days, alone, but I’m on the verge of not doing it. I haven’t been travelling alone for a long time and I am scared of flying, which is always worse on my own. I booked a hotel but I might cancel. I am tired of being scared and anxious about everything. I thought I was getting better, but then realise it’s just that day to day I’m fine, but if I try to do a new exciting GOOD thing I freak out in my mind and chicken out. :(

    1. nep*

      You’ve gone as far as booking the hotel — that is an important step. Of course it can be canceled if need be but there is a part of you wants to make this trip. What’s the hotel like? Is it one you already know?
      I hear you. I talk myself out of soooo many things — but what if this happens? but what if I get in this situation? but what if…? who am I kidding — I can’t do this…and on and on.
      I invariably find that when I shut that fear and negativity off, or at least just acknowledge it and move past it (however one prefers to look at it), the outcome has been amazing. I can think on my feet and handle far more than I give myself credit for. There is nothing like that rush of doing that thing you were afraid of.
      I would also say, don’t be hard on yourself if this time you don’t do it. Every day gives us occasions to move past the fear. Sometimes we cave, sometimes we step up and act with our full power.
      Peace — whatever you decide about this trip. Hope you’ll let us know.

      1. Kat*

        I’ve never been before so I don’t know the hotel but it looks nice and central. But I’d have to get to it from the airport and I do speak some German but I wouldn’t be fluent. I guess that might not matter. I mean, these days I *always* cave! So I do try to be kind to myself when I don’t do something but eventually that’s all I do is not do things. I just don’t know how to push myself into doing it any more. I was good for a while but I seem to be back to anxious more often than not. Bored of me, to be honest.

          1. Kat*

            I can’t say exactly. Just sheer will, I guess? The thought that ‘it’ll be worth it’, maybe. And the old ‘in X hours it’ll be over’. But I think this time it’s worse because it’s all on me to do fun things and entertain myself, so instead of thinking ‘I’ll see my friend for a holiday and it’ll be great’ I’m probably also thinking ‘I’ve got to get on a plane and then do stuff on my own for a couple of days’.

        2. Julia*

          In Berlin, you can totally get by with just English, if that’s your major concern. Even I as the rare true born Berliner sometimes get approached in English by people who live there – to be fair, I get lost quite often.

          Do you need travel tips or ideas where to go?

          1. Kat*

            I heard this, so it did make me feel better, although my German is actually OK for basics and I hate being that tourist who turns up expecting everyone in the country to speak English. But that’s good to know!

            Ideas would be great thanks! I have looked up a few things but nothing concrete because of said anxiety. I like museums, books, music, wandering, shops, cake, nice food… I am an introvert but social so happy to try a class or something (if such a thing is possible!) and I wouldn’t mind suggestions for places to eat alone, which is my main concern (I am fine with coffee/lunch as I do that here, but I don’t go out for dinner alone).

            1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

              I’ve been to Germany several times and I only know a handful of tourist phrases. Nobody has ever been the least bit unkind, and are often excited to practice their English with me.

            2. LaurenB*

              I went to Berlin some years ago expressly to practice my German and had a hard time getting to use it – the average Berliner was very helpful and preferred to just use English rather than listen to my halting German.

        3. Red Reader*

          Berlin is gorgeous. I did a six week trip around Europe a few years ago and Berlin was hands down my favorite stop. Very easy to navigate, everyone was nice, and I had no trouble getting by with just my 2 years of high school German from 20 years ago.

        4. Candy*

          Don’t worry about the language! Tonnes of people in Berlin speak English. I spent two months there and literally every person I stopped on the street and asked, “Do you speak English?” would say, “Oh no very little”… and then would proceed to speak perfect English. Plus I think German is actually very similar to English so once you have the context you can easily guess what the signs are trying to say.

          Which airport are you landing in, Schoenefeld or Tegel? I’ve only ever flown into Schoenefeld but the train is right outside. Just remember to validate your ticket after you buy it!

          1. Kat*

            It would be Schoenefeld, and I think the hotel is quite central, although I wouldn’t know for sure (it said so on the website which is why I booked it, but a big city must have a lot of ‘central’!). So I can get a train? Was wondering if taxi would be easiest, but I’m not sure how far it is. Better look it up!

        5. Natalie*

          My ex and I made it all around Paris with just “je ne parle pas français, parlez-vous angles?” and we were perfectly fine. I bet Berlin would be easier.

          1. nep*

            This reminds me — when I was learning Wolof, the young man teaching me had this terrific positive energy. He wouldn’t teach me “I don’t speak Wolof,” only “I speak / understand a little bit.” (Even though the former was the case, pretty much, and I was just looking to know the grammar of such a sentence, but he was adorable. No — you’re not going to say that…)

        6. A. Non*

          Kat, can you call the hotel and see if a) they have a shuttle, or b) they know how to get from the airport to the hotel? Most hotels will know this information, it’s a basic piece of what they get asked all the time, and they should be willing to walk you through it. That may take some of the anxiety out of ‘how do I get there???’

          1. Kat*

            That’s a good idea, thanks! My anxiety seemed to stop me from thinking of common sense things, like this.

    2. Overeducated*

      Way back when my life was more interesting, I traveled on my own internationally quite a bit, and I found the confusion and awkwardness of travel logistics was emotionally easier and less embarrassing than when I was with others. You know why? Because literally nobody there knew me or was waiting for me or would remember me. If it took me an hour to figure out how to get out of the airport, fine! Who cares? (Once I did get lost on a Russian marshrutka bus, and someone did worry because I was 3 hours late, but that wound up ok too.)

      Not having anyone to be anxious *with*, but also not having anyone else’s expectations to worry about, takes off a lot of pressure. Also, there’s no choice, you just have to figure it out and you do. I find that I am still more calm and patient traveling on my own than with companions, even domestically, I get less upset about delays and such.

      I don’t know if this helps at all, but I am a pretty anxious person generally (though I have never been diagnosed with a clinical condition), so maybe it could also work that way for you. I hope you go and have a great time!

      1. nep*

        Good point. When I’m driving somewhere I’m not familiar with, I’m far better on my own than if someone else is in the car. Just calm and able to process things on my own, rather than having the added load of another person. I suppose now that I think of it, it was the same when I traveled internationally alone. There is something to that.

        1. WellRed*

          Yes. I had to drive to Cape Cod and back a few weeks ago (4 hours each way, through Boston). I could talk myself through the worst parts and take my own time. No witnesses.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          I prefer to drive with another person since I have HUUUUUUUGE travel anxiety. But flying I’m okay with on my own, still anxious but not as much. Probably because if there is a mistake or a delay, it’s not my fault usually, but if I get lost, that’s on me.

    3. Caledonia*

      I hear you.

      About flying – up until this year I hadn’t flown in about 12 yrs (since I was 19) and never on my own. I got some anti-anxiety meds from my Dr which helped. I keep busy on the plane, music/podcasts and read to distract myself. I sit on the aisle because I don’t want to be next to the window and freak myself out.

      What helps me is planning. Planning how to get from airport to hotel. Which stop is the right one to get off, google maos to look at street view so I roughly know what the streets should look like. Planning what I want to do/see and how to get there.

      I visited Berlin myself in Sept. I really enjoyed it, it’s a very interesting city given its history. I was only there Sunday pm until Weds morning but I packed a lot in my time which also helps me.

      If you do go to Berlin, find one of those photobooths they have in the streets. Old style black and white photos that take 4 photos for a few euros.

      1. Enya*

        I also got something from my doctor to calm me down- the pills worked wonders. I wasn’t even afraid during turbulence, and I usually have to hold myself back from screaming in fear! I’m another one who doesn’t sit next to the window, and that helps, too. Good luck, you can do this!

        1. Kat*

          Yeah I need that! I thought about it before and wished I had got some before going to Canada, which was anxiety-inducing to say the least but my friend was with me and she’s the opposite, so her calm helped. As did a lot of wine. I can’t drink that much alone, though, and still function in a foreign country I’ve never been to, so maybe drugs are the answer. Did they impair you in any way when you got off the plane? Just wondering what to expect.

          1. Caledonia*

            No, they just take the edge off. I am not spacey or anything. They do recommend you take one as a “practice” a few days before you fly in case of adverse effects.

    4. fposte*

      Anxiety really is tiring, isn’t it? Fear of flying is a particular specialty of mine, so I second Caledonia that you can ask your doctor for something for that. Even if you’re talking a short flight (thinking you’re in the UK from the spelling) it can help with general travel anxiety too.

      One thing that’s common with this kind of anxiety is that it’s at its worst *before* the thing, and it’s a lot better once you’re at the hotel. If that’s you, that might help remind you this isn’t permanent and that you’re going to be able to have a better time soon. This is just the tunnel you go through to get there.

      1. Kat*

        It is totally tiring. I’d forgotten how much till recently, when it’s flared up again, but stealth flare-up, so I didn’t really *know* I was anxious till I felt a lump in my throat?! What, body, is that. Anyway. Yes I am in Scotland so the flight would be only about 2 hours. I’ve done solo flying before but always meeting a friend on the other end, so getting there alone will be so weird. But I know I *can* do it… I just have the mind-fear.

    5. Kat*

      I don’t think I’ll go on this occasion. I really want to, but the anxiety is becoming physical. I have a lump in my throat and I’m feeling on edge. I don’t think I should make decisions feeling that way. I will wait till spring and then go when it’ll be lighter and the weather will be better. I will go, though!

  32. nep*

    The question about savory baked goods has me thinking — does anyone eat savory rather than sweet oatmeal? Think savory seasonings as opposed to honey, fruit, and the like? What do you put in it?
    I was at a friend’s once — we were having oatmeal and he and his mom added Maggi seasoning sauce.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I don’t eat oatmeal very often, but I like just salt on mine. I mean, I like brown sugar, too…sometimes both! But usually just salt.

      1. nep*

        Yes — I always have to add a pinch of salt, whether I’m adding some sweet things or not. Makes all the difference.

    2. Mela*

      I think it might have been someone on here that got me on it, but yes! I prefer savoury to sweet now. Usually chicken chunks, grated cheese, avo, cherry tomatoes. That’s a standard go-to, but sometimes I just kind of put leftovers on top and call it a day.

      1. nep*

        This reminds me now — Nutriplanet (blog / website) has a savory porridge recipe that sounds just wonderful.

    3. Rainy*

      I had braces in my 30s and when the big movement started my diet (when I could eat anything) was 30% coffee, 30% rum, 30% savory cream of wheat, and 10% soft molasses cookies dipped in coffee until they almost fell apart.

      My favourite cream of wheat has goat cheese and super soft caramelized onions in it. Sometimes I’d make it extra soupy and poach an egg in.

    4. Jessica*

      Yes! I cook mine with dried onion flakes and red pepper. Then afterwards I add stuff like tomato (sometimes I’ll let that cook w/ the oatmeal), canned mushrooms, and cheddar cheese chunks (so gooey and lovely). I’ll also add milk, and I’ll sprinkle popcorn cheese/seasoning on it.

      It’s really, really delicious.

    5. Thursday Next*

      If I make oatmeal on the weekends I sometimes make a fried egg and put that + paprika and salt on the oatmeal.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I keep hearing about this, but honestly, I’m still very averse to trying it. Brown sugar and milk are all I typically like. I will eat fruit with it but I like it separate.

    7. Kewlmom*

      Bacon bits, or sometimes just salted butter. Once in a while, I will make a well in the center of the serving and put an egg in there, cover with a glass lid, and cook until the white is done in the microwave

    8. JulieBulie*

      Yes. Butter, a dash of cream for texture, onion powder, sometimes garlic powder, a little pepper sauce.

      Basically I just make them the way I do grits.

      Glad to know I’m not the only one who doesn’t want sweet oatmeal.

  33. AnonAndOn*

    I tried reading 4,3,2,1 and I couldn’t get into it. The story had an interesting premise but I felt the divergent storylines were too similar and the lead character had too much sex on the brain.

  34. The Other Dawn*

    Well, my business trip/vacation has come to an end and it’s time to fly back to the east coast today. Have to say I’m glad. Not because I didn’t enjoy CA–I did–but because my cousin and I are fundamentally mismatched when it comes to our daily living and eating schedules.

    This was our first long trip together and it was tough. She’s retired and is home all day while her husband still works. She’s used to sleeping late, eating breakfast either after 11 am or not at all, and lounging all day. Me? Used to being up around 7 am even on the weekends, eating by 8:30 am or so, and either working or being out and about (usually errands).

    The eating part was tough. When I was hungry, she wasn’t. When I wanted a sit down meal, she was happy just grabbing a few cookies. I’m used to having meals. I dont mean a three course meal. Just something more than grazing on junk. I had to buy a few healthier items from the shop in the hotel and keep them in the fridge. I was actually happy when it was time to attend the three day conference for work: I was guaranteed a hot breakfast and lunch! What complicated, too, was that she’s on a medication that she takes when she wakes up and she can’t eat for two hours afterwards. Unfortunately she can’t wake up early, take it and go back to sleep, as it doesn’t work for her. So if she slept until 9 am (early for her) that meant no breakfast until at least 11 am.

    And then there’s the activity levels. She came away feeling like we had done a lot, seen a lot and did a lot of walking, while I feel like my body barely moved at all. Granted, she’s much older than me and used to be extremely sedentary, so i know that explains it. Thankfully I brought my back brace, which helped the pain from sitting too much, and i took the steroid pack the doc prescribed. So my back isn’t a mess thankfully. Although I do have to sit on a plane for 6+ hours today.

    I dearly love my cousin and I like being with her, but I’ve determined that “vacation” for us means visiting each other’s home for a few days where we can each have more control over our own routines.

    By the way, my heart goes out to those dealing with the wildfires. The news footage is absolutely devastating. I hope there’s relief soon.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Oh, meant to add that we saw The Living Desert and the Joshua tree national park. Both were beautiful and well worth it. We drove the park from the west entrance to the south entrance. Cousin really didn’t want to get out of the car much because she was afraid of snakes and tarantulas, but it will still a nice drive and I got some good pictures.

  35. AnonAndOn*

    Clearing my head here.

    I felt so overwhelmed this week with two social events that I attended. A few days ago I attended an anniversary party for an organization I’m involved in. I walked in and felt bombarded with sensory overload. There were a lot of people there, small children running around (I am not a fan of kids), people bumped into me and I bumped into them (crowded), one woman put her hands on my shoulders as she walked past me, and there was a lot of awkward small talk. Acquaintances of mine whom I haven’t seen in a while chatted with me, but they asked me about things that we’ve already spoken about that they’ve forgotten (asking about my “new” apartment though I’ve been there almost two years, and asking about a cat I had but had to surrender to the shelter since I could no longer afford to keep it – which hurt because I had brought this up with one of them before, and during the previous time she said I could visit her and spend time with her cat, but she did apologize for bringing up the painful reminder). We were also called on stage as a group too, but thankfully I did not have to give a speech (I was not prepared to). This organization is great but that party left me feeling drained and miserable.

    Yesterday I attended something more low-key and focused on meditation. While I wasn’t overstimulated by noise I still couldn’t relate to the people there (the people were nice). I was not a fan of splitting into groups and having to speak for three minutes to discuss a topic. (This was not Toastmasters.) I speak when I have something to say and I had nothing to contribute. I told the people in my group that I simply wanted to observe and didn’t want to speak for the sake of speaking, so I let them use what would’ve been my time to speak to continue their discussions. When the meditative part of the group ended and it was open to mingling and socializing, I left. (I had a bus to catch, but if I enjoyed myself more I would’ve been willing to stay later.)

    I struggle to make deep friendships as an adult. A lot of my issues stem from growing up bullied and abused, dealing with depression and anxiety, being introverted, and being a highly sensitive person (HSP). I remember being a kid and being so social, happy, and outgoing and excited to meet people. I’m a 180 of that today. Being unemployed doesn’t help since I don’t go out much to save money and I’ve become even less social than I was when I was employed. I feel so different from everyone else: I’m not into happy hours and bars, don’t drink (haven’t in years but barely did when I did drink), hate crowds and noise, am not interested in having kids, etc. I live in a place where it’s about who one knows and what they do, and I’m not about that.

    I miss going to therapy and I felt it helped me greatly. I can’t afford it because I don’t have health insurance due to being unemployed. I tried a service that offered free and low-cost therapy in my state, but they set me up with someone who’s an hour away on the bus, had me come in for a 15-minute intake that could’ve been done over the phone (bus fare here is not cheap!), who was supposed to be “free” but wanted to charge me (because she felt people who paid took their therapy more seriously), and who patronized me (assumed I didn’t know who Jung was and spelled his last name for me). Ridiculous.

    Thanks for letting me vent here.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      That sounds like an awful experience to have had with that therapist – I am so sorry that happened to you.

    2. Allypopx*

      My therapist would tell you that bad therapists don’t mean therapy is a bad choice. Which is true. And it sounds like you know that.

      But damn do they leave a bad taste in your mouth.

      1. AnonAndOn*

        I definitely know that. I’d prefer to find one when I’m employed and have insurance again so I can have more choice and say in who I see.

        Until then, self-help books and sites like Captain Awkward have been helpful to me.

    3. Anono-me*

      1. I hope you reported the ‘therapist’. To me it sounds like a scam. Telling the state she is offering pro bono services, but telling actual clients to pay once they show up.

      2. Have you looked into catsitting? (I’m not suggesting it as a solution, but as something that might be a nice addition to your life.) I’ve dogsat and found it to be a big help with the puppy time cravings. A little extra money is not a bad thing either (you might want to check with unemployment to avoid complications). Interaction with dog’s owner tended to be limited and purpose driven.

      2. AnonAndOn*

        The program contacted me about the service with a survey. I only attended two sessions (more like 1 1/4 sessions since that intake was barely a session). Her fee was only $5 which when I’m employed is barely anything, but would’ve been a lot for me. I didn’t report her, but I did say I wasn’t satisfied.

        As for cat sitting, I tried to apply for a job with a local pet sitting service, but they’re only looking for dog sitters/dog walkers at the moment. I also used to volunteer at a shelter, but got let go from that (apparently people can be fired as volunteers). It’s my fault – I openly talked about issues I had with the behavior of some shelter staff and how some things were run, so my being let go was for the best.

        As for unemployment, mine ran out (I don’t think I can get an extension either) but if I made below a certain amount during a week I claimed for unemployment then it wouldn’t affect my my benefits. However, if I made above a certain amount for a week claim, my benefits for that week would be deducted.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Small consolation, but I think a surprising amount of people would find those social events difficult. I think your examples of awkward conversations kind of telegraph that those people were having a difficult time, too.

      I dunno, I do something like that maybe once a year. Not my cup of tea at all, I think you can be proud of yourself for even trying.

      1. AnonAndOn*

        In my case it’s more than social events, but to get into my life history would be a blog post in itself.

        But I do like to limit the amount of social events I go to as well. I prefer to be home before dark except for special occasions.

  36. Allypopx*

    An old, very dear friend of mine killed himself last weekend. It’s been a long week of reconnecting with old friends, going home for the memorial, drinking slightly too much, trying to muddle through work and school while declining extra time off (because really, who wants to be alone with their own thoughts), trying to deal with my own grief, processing feelings of regret because we were somewhat estranged, and reading constant streams of other people’s grief on the memorial page. My partner has been an amazing support system but he can only do so much.

    I’m so emotionally exhausted. I don’t even know what to do with myself today. I’m at work but I’m not terribly focused. I just want to sleep. The five stages of grief seemed contrived until the depression hit.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I am very sorry for your loss. Grief does pull vitamins and minerals out of our bodies at an accelerated clip, and yes, depression can kick in. While you sort your next steps you may get a small benefit from a drink with electrolytes in it. And yes, do plan on extra rest. Through it all, talk kindly to yourself, pretend you are talking to another friend and say those types of things to yourself. Again, very sorry.

    8. beem/meemzi*

      I’m sorry for your loss. My partner completed suicide earlier this year. I’m sorry to have you among us.

      If you’re interested . . . The two things that are helping me the most:
      – SOSL (Survivors of Suicide Loss) meetings: May be under a different name in your region. It’s nice to hear about other people’s experiences with this type of grief. Everyone has a different situation and perspective.
      – A dear friend’s advice: If you’re crying, you have to be drinking water (or eating, if you’re having trouble with appetite)

    9. Sylvan*

      I’m so sorry.

      Two relatives I was very close to killed themselves. It’s hard and confusing. Give yourself time.

  37. I Am Still Furious!!*

    I got a copy of the letter my attorney wrote to my soon to be ex husband’s attorney, who hasn’t officially entered as representative for him most likely due to the whole payment issue…anyway…the last paragraph says “Finally, I am requesting that your client forward a comprehensive settlement proposal to me after your next meeting with him.” So, as I requested, we are cutting to the chase.

    I moved out 1 month ago yesterday. It doesn’t seem that long, really, and I’ve learned that I am incredibly lonely. I was lonely before, but at least I had my cats. I couldn’t bring any of them with me because my friend is allergic to cats. She has a small dog, and he’s nice enough, but he’s not my pet, if you know what I mean.

    My friend is visiting her daughter again this weekend, so I’m rattling around in this big house by myself. I decided to get cable TV here, so on Monday at least I’ll have something to distract me plus real internet. Using the neighbor’s Xfinity hotspots is proving to be unreliable and streaming Netflix is nearly impossible. My plans for today and tomorrow include bike riding, yard work, house work, and that’s about it, I need to make more friends or get out and meet some more people. The people in my new neighborhood are either much older than me or married with families, so I don’t really have anything in common with them.

    So now I just wait to see what he wants to go away. I want it done quickly. As it is, this won’t be over until early 2018, best case scenario. I think I’ll feel better once I know when my freedom date will be.

    1. AnonAndOn*

      I am so glad that you keep progressing towards the end of this marriage. I’m sorry to hear about you not being able to have your cats though.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      You are being so brave and methodical, and you totally deserve to be free of the distressing, dishonest and unhelpful person aka your soon to be ex. Keep telling yourself that when you feel stuck in limbo. I’m sorry you can’t have your cats with you! They can be such warm and comforting companions. (This is all secondhand knowledge because of my own allergies.)

      Random thoughts (with apologies if it’s not helpful because it would be a logistical nightmare, and/or if it just rekindles your cat-loneliness): Can you work with an animal shelter or rescue organization to find a foster home for your cats until you are able to reunite with them in your own residence? Bonus points if you could go visit your cats in their intermediate dwelling place.

    3. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I’m so glad things are progressing for you! I hope you’re able to settle easily and move forward.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Keep talking to us here. We will just keep following along.

      A couple thoughts, older people make great neighbors sometimes. They can be very grateful when someone pays attention to them. I live next door to an older couple, their family is gone and living their lives. The wife in the couple has become my big sister. We chat about life regularly. She knew I had teeth pulled yesterday and she called about 8 pm last night to tell me to call her if I had difficulty in the night. I knew right then that I would be okay, my big sis is watching.

      People with families can be open to new relationships also. As you bike around say hi to everyone or wave/nod.

      I think it’s really good that you have identified this friendship thing as a gap in your life. I found the same gap when my husband died. So maybe we can think of something here that you could do this upcoming week to start to incubate some future friendships. Do you have a library card for the library in your area? That might be a good starting point.

    5. Effie, who is herself, and is moving forward without self judgement*

      Oof, loneliness + unreliable internet access is a difficult combo, glad that you only have to last till Monday. And at the same time, being at your friend’s is still better than before because you’re physically out! Sorry about your cats though.

      Having an physical end date will help too, even if it is early 2018.

      I second NSNR’s library rec!

      I don’t have a ton of advice, just commiseration. What would you think about signing up for a weekly exercise class? It’ll get you out of the house, give you an adrenaline boost, and maybe meet other people. You could try something you’ve never tried before or something you’re very comfortable with. Also you could look for women-only or women-dominant classes.

      I think if you can find a safe space/s for yourself, just for you, so that you don’t feel like you’re imposing on anyone it’ll be good for you (a library, a cafe, a weekly class, etc).

      Good luck!

      1. the gold digger*

        exercise class

        I have made lifelong friends in exercise classes. I met my friend Lenore in 1987 at a Jazzercise class in Austin. We no longer live in the same city, but we see each other a few times a year and I count her as one of my best friends.

        I met my friend Lois at BodyPump at the Y nine years ago when I moved here. She is 15 years older than I am and through her, I have found my hairdresser (who has also become a friend and has also become Primo’s hairdresser), learned about the Repertory Theatre (to which Primo and I have been subscribing for eight years), and found really good local restaurants. And, of course, she is my friend. :)

        The nice thing about exercise classes is you can get to know someone without making a commitment. You can figure out if you like someone enough to take the friendship to the next level – actually doing something together outside of class, even if it’s just, “Want to grab coffee after class?”

  38. Sandy*

    Recommendations of cool things to do in London (UK)?

    I am going for a solo trip this week and could use some fun ideas. I have been several times before, so the usual tourist stuff has less appeal.

    So far I plan to see the Harry Potter play, eat some Ottolenghi dishes, and eat a lot of Indian food. Maybe find a cozy spot somewhere to read a good book (it’s been a while since I have travelled without a toddler…)

    I hear the British Museum has a Harry Potter exhibit starting up next week but it is sold out already- all the way to end of November!

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I had no idea about the British Museum exhibit. Thanks for the heads up! Do you have tickets for the play? I think they release a few last minute ones each week but I don’t know how easy they are to get. We are going in February and we had to book 13 months in advance!

      I suck at recommending stuff for visitors to do but the Sky Garden is fun.

      1. Kate*

        I do! My spouse got them for me as an early Hanukkah gift.

        That said, if you are willing to use StubHub, there seems to always be a few up on there.

    2. Buu*

      The Potter exhibit is at the British Library not the British museum, it’s still showing some slots free in November for me so perhaps some spaces freed up ( https://harrypotter.seetickets.com/tour/harry-potter-a-history-of-magic/calendar < this is what I looked at)

      There are a few other Potter things to do in London if that doesn't work out so don't worry!
      – Platform 9 3/4 and the Harry Potter Shop – In a corner of King's Cross there's a Harry Potter shop and if you're willing to wait a photo op corner will a luggage trolley in a wall so you can have a pic taken.
      – House of Minalima ( http://store.minalima.com/house-of-minalima/) – Round the corner from the theatre where Cursed Child is playing. This is a shop owned by the graphic designers of the Potter films, it's around 3 floors of a converted house. It's a mixture of shop where you can buy prints of posters and books in the films and exhibition with props and original art from the films.
      – Wb Studio Tour – I haven't been yet but this is a thing with reconstructions of sections of sets from the films.

      Random other suggestions:
      http://www.novelty-automation.com/ – A shop/arcade with weird homemade automatons. You pay up front for some tokens then can use all the weird hand crafted machines in there. One for example is holiday themed, you sit on a sofa chair and a screen shows a holiday from start to finish but its all handmade. Another lets you put an object inside and the machine tells you if it's art.

      Camden Market – There are two main sections of market, lots of art, clothes and food stalls.

      Brick Lane – Famous for it's good curry shops though some of the curry shops can be agressive in trying to get you to go to their shops so plan ahead.

    3. AnnaleighUK*

      Go and see the Wallace Collection – it’s a bit off the beaten track but it’s a lovely museum. The Royal Academy, they have good art stuff. And if you want something a bit different, check out Box Park up in Shoreditch, lots of little trendy shops. I’d also recommend a night time walk along the South Bank. London is so pretty lit up. Plus there’s a fab collection of street food stalls outside the South Bank Centre.

    4. Kate in Scotland*

      I think the Harry Potter is at the British Library? I’ve mentioned it here before, but I went on an architecture tour at the Barbican which is my favourite thing that I’ve done in London recently. Walk along the South Bank, Borough Market, pop in to Southwark Cathedral is a nice wander. One time I went to St James’s Park to see the pelicans just because they’re in my favourite poem (Immigrant by Fleur Adcock). When I was in London a couple of weeks ago I went for a walk along Regent’s Canal starting near King’s Cross, there is also a little wildlife garden near there that my friend recommended (Camley Street Natural Park) and the Wellcome and the Crick Institute which have some more unusual sciency exhibitions.

      1. Artemesia*

        My daughter wanted to go to the British Library decades ago when we were in London for Christmas and I thought it was a weird idea — it turned out to be amazing. They have things like Guttenberg Bibles and original Magna Cartas on display. Just fascinating place. And a pretty fair cafe for lunch.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I LOVE that place. I did research there in 2015 for Secret [POS] Book and I had to get a reader pass to access the newspaper collection. It’s long past its expiry date (April 2016), but I refuse to take it out of my wallet. Nerd cred, don’t ya know. :D

    5. Kate in Scotland*

      Do you like beer? If so, the Jerusalem Tavern in Clerkenwell is a quirky old place (building from 1720) with great beer – only open weekdays though.

    6. caledonia*

      The newly opened Postal Museum looks fun!
      I visit Foyles, the Daunt Bookshop in Marylebone (gorgeous stained glass at the back), there is also the very charming book barge at King’s Cross called Word on the Water and the London Review Bookshop has books and cake – what’s not to love?

    7. Megan*

      I just went to London a month or two ago with my sister, and my favorite things were Leavesden studios (which has a bunch of the props and sets they used to film Harry Potter) and a verger guided tour of Westminster Abbey. Leavesden tickets sell out pretty quickly I think, at least in summer, but we got tickets through trip advisor or something with included bus transportation from the Victoria coach station, so those might still be available. Also really enjoyed the plays we went to, including Harry Potter, but be warned that the plot isn’t great.

      Most of what we did was the regular touristy stuff – the one thing that wasn’t was scarf weaving, which was a fun change of pace. It was the London cloth company in Epping, and it was offered through air bnb experiences.

    8. Lily Evans*

      I’ve definitely recommended this on here before, but if you like walking tours I highly recommend Undiscovered London’s tours! The two tours I went on with them was one of my favorite things I did when I was in London.

    9. Anono-me*

      The most unexpected (someone else’s idea) thing that I really enjoyed was a “Jack the Ripper” walking tour of London.

    10. Parenthetically*

      I really like walking around markets. Ropewalk is nice, and it’s such fun to do the Bermondsey beer mile of a Sunday morning! We did the cruise down the Thames to Hampton Court and it was so cheap and relaxing and fun. Lantana in Fitzrovia is down a really quiet lane and has a cool covered outdoor seating area.

    11. Artemesia*

      On a trip to London years ago for Christmas, my son put the John Soanes Museum on our list. It is the home of a collector and an architect from the time of Christopher Wren, who has his collections plus architectural drawings on display. It was extremely interesting. It is small and I think you have to arrange tickets/reservations ahead, but it was very cool.

      The British Museum is of course an absolute must. The first time I took my daughter there, she was 12 and I have a picture of her somewhere standing next to the Rosetta Stone which was just sitting out on the floor with other artifacts. Now it is encased in a plexiglass case. The Elgin Marbles and other loot from antiquity are beautiful displayed.

    12. Fake old Converse shoes*

      Matt Grey and Tom Scott made a couple of videos about non touristic places to visit in London, please check their Youtube channel. The V&A Museum has a stunning cafeteria, which has nice spots for book reading, although I can’t remember if it’s quiet enough.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I’m going to have to disagree on the V&A cafe. It’s overpriced as all hell and they were terrible when we asked about ingredients due to my husband having an allergy – culminating in two staff standing there talking and pointing at him and they wouldn’t just give us the damn ingredients list to look ourselves. I’d give it a miss. Good museum though.

        1. Kate in Scotland*

          An amazing space though – I’d say it’s worth having a cuppa there just for the surroundings. I enjoyed the ‘Designing the V&A’ architecture/history tour (which is free).

    13. Bagpuss*

      The Harry Potter exhibition is at the British Library. It’s sold out at weekends but there’s availability if you can do a week day. (And yes, the HP Play is lots of fun.)

      There is an exhibition about the Scythians at the BM which is supposed to be very good (I haven’t seen it yet, but friends have said it’s very good)

      If you haven’t been before, try the Sir John Soane museum, and maybe Leighton House. The Grant Museum of Zoology is interesting, lot of Victorian exhibits.

      Enjoy your trip.

    14. Thursday Next*

      I haven’t done this, but have you done any of the towns/palaces that are a day trip out of London? Cambridge is less than 2h away by train (I’ve been there) and the campus is lovely for walking around and there are some nice churches/museums.

      1. Elkay*

        Cambridge is 50 minutes if you take the flyer from Kings Cross. To be honest though there’s more than enough to see in London without bothering with day trips. My preferences are the London Eye and the National Portrait Gallery. Others have mentioned walking tours which are always worth doing.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Oxford is cheap and easy to get to by bus as well. Did a lovely day trip there by myself last time I was in London. Lunch, pub, walking tour, plenty of time to browse in the shops and wander the laneways, and back in time for dinner with friends.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t know where you’re staying, but if you can get out to Greenwich (southeast London; take the DLR), you should visit the Cutty Sark. It’s a Victorian clipper ship in drydock that is meticulously restored and you can crawl all over it. In its heyday, it hauled tea and wool and you will learn a lot about tea. One of the coolest museums ever, and it’s very close to the Royal Observatory and the prime meridian in Greenwich Park. I know that’s a little touristy, but I’m a huge museum nerd.

      Greenwich Market–tons of fun stalls. And on King William Walk, not too far from the park and the Cutty Sark, is Goddards at Greenwich. Go there and have some pie and mash for lunch. It is so freaking delicious. :)

    16. Rookie Manager*

      I always try and find time to hang out at South Bank, there is always something going on and interesting wharf or two.

    18. Visiting in December*

      This is a very timely question as we are going to London in mid-December! We’ve always been there in summertime so I’m super excited to see everything decorated for the holidays. I’m stealing some of these wonderful ideas – we do have tickets to the HP British Museum exhibit. I’d love tips for the best Christmas market if anyone has thoughts on that (not to hijack the original post too much!) or any other special holiday things to see/do.

    19. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

      We finally went to the Wellcome collection the other week (across the road from Euston station). It was pretty neat if a bit small, with lots of strange NSFW objects mixed in with random stuff like Charles Darwin’s walking sticks.

      Brixton market is fun for food.

    20. HannahS*

      I loved the Victoria and Albert museum. Heaven if you’re interested in furniture, clothing, and textiles. Hyde Park was so nice to walk in that I went twice. Camden Market was fun to walk around, but a bit generic, TBH.

  39. Roseberriesmaybe*

    I’m trying to control my irritation (jealousy?) at a friend who appears to float through life. Every time I talk to her she’s travelling or about to travel somewhere new, even though she doesn’t work. And myself and my partner haven’t travelled this year and work constantly (especially my partner) I’m pissed off tbh

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      Do minister to your own feelings and be kind to yourself.

      But don’t forget that we all have our hidden battles.

      1. Fiennes*

        Yes, this. I went through a few years of extensive travel (can work remotely), and a few friends made snide comments a la “must be nice, not having to worry about kids’ school” etc. I could only wonder how every single one of them had forgotten that I’d just ended a long, unsuccessful fertility battle, that I would a thousand times rather have had kids’ school to worry about. Their resentment of the trips I took to comfort/distract myself is, honestly, something that’s going to shadow those friendships forever.

        Try not to envy other people’s pleasures when you don’t know their pain.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Adding, where ever you go, there you are. Meaning we can’t out run our pain no matter how we try , the pain is still there.

          Roseberries, perhaps this friendship needs to go to the back burner for a little bit. It’s pretty normal to hang out with people who are doing things similar to what we do. And yeah, it can be a stresser if people’s lives our radically different from our own.

          As a much simpler example, I have a family member who HAS to go out EVERY day, even if she is not working at the moment. So she goes to the store and buys something, EVERY DAY. This is nothing I can afford, it’s nothing I can imagine me doing. This is a part of her and who she is. She can’t understand why I don’t need anything from the store today. It’s interesting to say the least.

          1. Roseberriesmaybe*

            Thanks Ramona, Fiennes, and NotSo NewReader :) She is a very cheerful and happy-go-lucky person, and I never see her stressed or doubtful about her path…it’s helpful to be reminded that all I see isn’t all that’s there

    2. Caledonia*

      There are always some of those people.

      But like Ramona says, there are other things likely going on.

      This year has been good to me for sure. But the previous 2 were awful. I am not very happily single. I am estranged from almost all my family.

      Or take my friend – job, long term partner, has been on several holidays this year but hates said job and her relationship definitely has some negatives (ie her partner refuses to move away or even move apartments).

      Therapy may help.

    3. Temperance*

      I feel this way about one of my SILs, who I absolutely hate. She grew up in a well-off household, and has always gotten everything she wants in life. She’s naturally super thin, has 2 sons in a family that prizes boys, etc.

      Booth always reminds me that a.) she’s a huge jerk and doesn’t have good friends, b.) his brother is miserable because he married said jerk just to have babies, and c.) we get to do more fun stuff than they do because she doesn’t have a good job.

  40. AnonAndOn*

    Has anyone here listened to or read the “Dirty John” series that the LA Times recently ran? I read it because it’s faster for me to read than to listen to a series of 40-something-minute long podcasts (I listened to the first one after the fact and prefer the written version because the podcast sounded hokey to me). That guy was a disgusting abuser, con artist, liar, and thief.

    I’ll link to it in a response to this post.

        1. Temperance*

          Oh there are NO WORDS for how I feel about that woman. I was angry enough to want to punch a wall after what she had done. Despicable.

    3. Christy*

      Holy goodness, I just read through all six of them. Yikes. I don’t think my 3x-divorced mom would fall for a guy like that but it’s still really scary to think about.

    4. Ruth Zardo is F.I.N.E.*

      Yes, I just read through them a few days ago! That last installment … Whoa. I could sympathize with Debra at first because no one wants to believe that they’re being conned or that they’re a colossally bad judge of character, but after a while it was like, “Get a grip, lady.”

      1. fposte*

        I think between her pattern and her sister’s, there was something deeply needy happening in that family.

        But I liked how much the report focused on the agency of the younger women–not just Terra, but Jacqueline and of course the fourteen-year-old (fourteen-year-old!) who leapt to intervene.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          They were raised by a woman who valued “forgiveness” above everything, including the murder of her daughter. I have many feelings about that woman.

          1. fposte*

            I think that was a great item for the story, but I think there was more to the background that that, and I would have liked to hear more about Debra’s father; I wondered if Debra’s mother had been “forgiving” of abuse herself.

        2. Fiennes*

          Yes, agreed strongly on both those points. Debra was raised to believe that you forgive people (especially men) for ANYTHING or else you’re a bad person. Factor in her loneliness and his smooth game–it’s no wonder.

          The courage of that 14 year old in the last installment fills my heart.

          1. fposte*

            I thought the lifeguard experience might have been a factor–once you get the idea that it’s your job to take action, it seems more natural.

        3. Ruth Zardo is F.I.N.E.*

          I was on the edge of my seat reading that last installment and I had tears come to my eyes when I read that the 14 year old girl ran out to save her. For a while I thought she was going to be the one to take him down! In the end, I’m glad anyone did. That picture of Terra in the hospital afterward is everything.

    5. Rainy*

      Yes, I’ve been reading them, after my fiance listened to them (we definitely have different preferences on media consumption–give me written material every time!). Pretty grotty.

    6. D.W.*

      I just finished this series, and I promise I’d heard it before now, but it was so stressful to hear. Poor daughters. I couldn’t even imagine the horror of it all.

    7. Windchime*

      I listened to the entire series in less than 24 hours. It was horrifying and I couldn’t understand why the mother kept taking him back, over and over again. The ending was less horrible than I thought it would be because I was afraid that the roles would be reversed as far as who was the victim and who was the victor.

  41. Overeducated*

    I read the first, interested to read others.

    I have to say, being married to someone who wears scrubs at work, that people who wear them outside of medical settings throw up red flags based on that alone. Destroys the entire point of them.

    2. AnonAndOn*

      That had my Spidey Sense going too. It was like he was trying hard to come off as a doctor. And he wore them to a fancy charity event, at that!

      1. Artemesia*

        Two kinds of people where them outside work: new interns who are showing off and cons who are trying to give off the image of being doctors.

        2. KAZ2Y5*

          There is a third kind – night shift workers who go out to eat with friends before work and don’t have time to change before work!

      2. nonegiven*

        I knew a factory worker that wore them. She had previously worked in a hospital cafeteria. She found them comfortable, practical and economical for work.

        1. Mallory Janis Ian*

          I had a job as a cashier in a surgical supply store, and we wore scrubs. Since then, I’ve always said that, in the future, if we’re all wearing the same outfit (a la an old sci -fi film), it should be scrubs (as opposed to a silver jumpsuit). They are so comfortable and effortless.

    4. Temperance*

      I always just assume that the person has bad hygiene! I just think, eeew, that person is probably coated in bodily fluids. (Germaphobe).

  42. Language Student*

    Just popped my knee out of its socket earlier today (which, uh, I do not recommend). Apparently I’m hypermobile in my legs, which is how my gran says her hypermobility started and she gets injured just about every other minute, so looks like I have that to look forward to. At least I found out young but I’m starting to worry that all these near-constant injuries are inevitably in my future now. :/

    1. Allypopx*

      My knees do that. Did you pop it back in yourself? Hurts like a mother for a couple days. I recommend buying a knee brace at walgreens/cvs/whatever and keeping it on hand – even if it’s just at home.

      1. Language Student*

        Yeah, it really wasn’t fun (and I may have swore loudly in public – luckily there weren’t any kids nearby). I’ll definitely get a knee brace, thanks! My gran showed me how to test if the cartilage is weak by circling my ankles, so hopefully using a knee brace when it starts seeming weak will stop it from happening again, at least in the short term. Thanks!

        1. Cristina in England*

          Can you describe this test? How do you know if the cartilage is weak? Is it a feeling or isn’t it something you can see in your movement?

          1. Language Student*

            Basically, you circle your ankles (both at the same time, even – or especially – if one is usually stronger than the other) clockwise five times, then counter clockwise five times, focusing on how your knee/the area around your knee feels (repeat if necessary). It’s supposed to be done daily. It’s a feeling so it’s really difficult to describe, but one knee just feels stronger than the other.

    2. Shrunken Hippo*

      Ouch, that always hurts. I have hypermobility too and the first thing to move was my left knee, shorty followed by my right knee. Mine decided to pop out during gym class when I was in high school. It was an extremely quiet moment when it first decided to pop out and the sound echoed which made it feel much worse. I’ve learned to get good knee braces and figure out which movements make them shift more than others. For the last 10 years they might have slipped out maybe a dozen times. Once you know about it and talk with a doctor it is much easier to control.

      1. Language Student*

        Yep, left knee here too. It’s happened once before now, a couple years ago, so looks like this’ll be a semi-regular occurrence. I’m glad you’ve found ways to control it better – that gives me hope! Thanks for sharing. :)

        1. Jukeboxx32*

          One of mine likes to slip out when it’s bent, think kneeling or squatting. Instead of just straightening out the leg to “pop” it back in (which hurts like a mudder), try leaning to one side and slowly lifting the ankle toward your body until it slides back into place.

    3. Lily Evans*

      In one of my dance classes we were having a conversation about hypermobile people and the teacher recommended talking to a doctor or a physical therapist as early as you can to try to counteract the problems that come up with it. There’s no magic fix or anything, but they can teach you exercises to try to keep things in check.

      1. Language Student*

        That’s good to hear – I’ll make sure to bring it up at my next doctor’s appointment, thank you!

        1. Reba*

          Yes! I sought PT for my knees and that is where I learned that I am hypermobile — though not as severe as what it sounds like you are facing. We ended up doing a course of exercises to strengthen the muscles around the vulnerable joints. Sort of have to keep it up for life but it’s been very helpful.

    5. Sylvan*

      Do you have any opportunity to go to an orthopedic clinic or see a doctor? You really don’t want to leave this untreated, even if you pushed the bone back into its correct position without doing any unusual damage. Good medical care now can help you prevent this happening again later.

      1. JD*

        My doctor said not much I can be done minus a good knee brace. Some specific work outs help but I broke me femur years ago and am simply always going to have issues that will eventually require new knees and hips.

        I did myself in big time last night and I can barely walk today. :(

  43. Rilara*

    Not sure if anyone would remember me at this point, but I posted a few weeks ago about moving to Massachusetts a few weeks ago and needing some advice on living here vs Florida.

    1St of all, thanks to everyone who commented! I am ended up getting a nice coat from LL Bean and snow boots from Sorel, although with this weather I don’t think I’ll need it for a while :D I just started a new job a couple of weeks ago, so when I get paid I plan to get the rest of the smaller things you all recommended.

    Just out of curiosity, how do people up north usually feel about winter time? A lot of people I talk to tend to go on and on about how dreary and awful the winter is here. Is the winter here really that frustrating every year, or are people just overdoing it with the doom and gloom because I’m from Florida? If I’m being honest, talking about how bad winter is is actually starting to annoy me a bit!

    On another note, fall is beautiful here! I haven’t been somewhere with colorful leaves on a while and I love it.

    1. Allypopx*

      I like winter. I grew up in the northeast. I love snow, it’s beautiful. Snow days are great! It’s cold but it’s fine if you’re properly dressed.

      To be fair, a lot of people in the northeast are medically low on vitamin D, and seasonal affective disorder is pretty common, so some people really do feel quite dreary in the winter. I have both those things but I also think it’s a lovely time of year.

      Shoveling takes getting used to, and if you aren’t used to driving in the snow please be careful! The northeast doesn’t shut down for snow the way that the south does. I remember living in Virginia and everything being shut down over a quarter inch of snow. Very different.

    2. katamia*

      It really depends. Not everyone handles frustration well, and some people have certain types of frustration they handle better than other types. Some people get frustrated, but they also enjoy the general vibe of winter or do a lot of winter activities or whatever, so it balances out. Some people just don’t get all that frustrated, comparatively speaking, with the trials and tribulations of winter. And then some people (I fall into this last category) spend winter in constant misery or rage because they loathe EVERYTHING about winter. And it can be really hard to tell which type of person you’re talking to.

      I grew up in an area with a much more mild winter than Massachusetts (although we did get snow/snow days and all that) but went to college in an area that would definitely be considered “up north.” And from my perspective, yeah, it was awful and I’ll never do it again (to the point where I’m unwilling to consider jobs in areas with that type of winter, and tbh my tolerance for it is decreasing with age). But other transplants enjoyed it.

    3. Becca*

      Welcome to MA! I just moved back here in August (just from RI, though). With the winters—the cold is manageable, I think. You just need to have gear, which it sounds like you do! I almost always wear fleece-lined tights/leggings under my pants once it gets close to/below freezing.

      The worst part about the winters is the snow—particularly if (a) you have to shovel, (b) you have to drive/park in it, or (c) transit you rely on is affected by it. And I suppose the grey weather does put a damper on things, but a good attitude going in helps. Good luck!

    4. mandalee*

      Glad you are settling in and enjoying fall up here! New England really does shine in the fall. I grew up in Pennsylvania and lived in a few other states before settling in Massachusetts 6 years ago, and fall here is even better than PA. Drives up to Vermont, NH, and Maine are gorgeous this time of year as well, and not a far trip.

      As for winter time, I think people enjoy complaining a lot about it, but I personally don’t think it’s terrible for the entire length of winter, but it depends what you can tolerate. I love snow and scarfs and boots during December, when everything is sparkly with lights and dressed up for the holidays, January can be downright freezing but the first big snow fall using happens then (in the Boston area anyway, other parts of MA get snow more frequently) and the novelty of snow is still nice. The amount of snow depends on the year ( Winter 2015 was a doozy- over 100 inches in 5 weeks) but on average isn’t terrible. I find February and March the only dreadful months. They can be very gray and the snow/mud seasons drags on much longer than you would like, well into April most years. Spring is beautiful up here but about 2 weeks long lol I moved from Maryland to Boston in April in 2011 and I left Maryland in shorts and a t-shirt and arrived in Boston to 50s with a freezing wind. So, coming from Florida, you may find you enjoy the change of seasons and weather or you might not, but definitely don’t anyone’s complaining sway you. Complaining about weather and especially winter is a sport up here.

    5. FDCA In Canada*

      People bond by complaining about winter. Really. It can be immensely frustrating–think of every single daily activity you have (going to work, going grocery shopping, going out with friends) and then multiply the difficulty level by anywhere from 2 to 5, depending on what you have to do. Street park? Shovel your driveway? Slog through a parking lot six inches deep in snow? It’s exciting for a little while, and then it gets downright exhausting. Since the weather is one of the very, very few things that absolutely everyone shares, experiences, and is affected by, it’s easy to talk about and to find common ground around.

      Winters definitely vary. People in more rural areas who are into winter activities (skidooing, winter camping, snowshoeing) might complain less, while people in urban areas who love patio weather in the summer might complain more. It depends totally on who you’re talking to and what the weather is like.

    6. anon24*

      I hate winter. It’s always dark, always cold, the world is dead and grey, and I always have to be bundled up and inside. For 6 months every year :( I also get really awful seasonal depression so feeling crappy 6 months out of the year takes a long term toll on a person. My seasonal depression started early this year, a couple weeks ago. I will now be feeling awful about myself and about life until April or May, depending on the weather. And I hate snow. I hate being in it, shoveling it, but I wouldnt mind driving in it if other people weren’t such idiots about it. I also hate working in it. My last job was all outside which I loved but we were not allowed to wear snow gear (company policy, we had the same exact uniform for 95 degrees F and 5 degrees F) I hope to move south in a few years.

      My parents on the other hand love the winter and stare at me with horror anytime I complain, so YMMV

    7. Red*

      I love the winter. I love long sleeves and jackets and boots, I feel so much less exposed that way. I vastly prefer snow to rain, and I LOVE the lack of humidity.

      I’m from Buffalo NY btw, so we get lake effect snow and all that.

    8. Zathras*

      People are playing it up because you recently moved from Florida. In my experience (I grew up here), between locals the complaints tend to cluster more around specific bad weather events, until late February/all of March when everyone is sick of being cold. In late winter we can get a lot of gross “32 degrees and sleeting” weather right when everyone is looking forward to warmer weather. But people love to show off and tell their weather horror stories to people they perceive as weather greenhorns.

    9. Tris Prior*

      I am in Chicago and I hate winter. I would hate it less if we weren’t still expect to function, get to work on time despite the roads all having gone to hell overnight, etc. in snow and ice and below-zero temps – I always get so jealous of cities farther south that shut down when it snows. If I could just stay inside and make soup and hot tea and be cozy, I wouldn’t mind that nearly as much.

      I don’t like to be cold (and we get COLD here, I will never forget that -50 windchill day we had once), I don’t have a car so I rely on public transport, which becomes more unreliable as the roads get worse (though in my experience the el is usually more or less OK), and in my old neighborhood NO ONE shoveled or salted, EVER, so the walk to the el was an exercise in trying not to fall on your ass and break something. As is the walk to the grocery store; there were times when we just had to skip it because there was no way our granny cart was going to make it over those huge wads of snow and ice on every sidewalk. I’ve since moved, to a neighborhood with more houses and fewer apartments, so here’s hoping people shovel more here.

      I do think that people work hard, maybe harder than they need to, to impress upon transplants from the South that winter here is seriously No Joke, frostbite is A Thing, and yes, you need to wear a hat and invest in decent footwear. I had a co-worker who’d moved up here from Orlando. His idea of a winter coat was….. let’s say not anything that would actually protect him from frostbite. I was genuinely worried about him when it got to be below zero.

    10. Lily Evans*

      Most people I know hate winter. But not enough to ever move away, just enough to complain about it all the time. The only people I know who love winter are the outdoorsy types who love winter sports. I feel like in general New Englanders just complain a lot about everything, though.

    11. NicoleK*

      I’m in the upper midwest. And it can be “that bad” if you’re not into winter activities. And it’s especially terrible by February cause you’re so ready for winter to be gone.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      Notice how the complainers do not move to another climate.

      Some people love to complain.
      Some people actually have a horror story that still upsets them.
      Some folks like winter sports.
      And some people appreciate how life slows down a little bit in the winter.
      It’s a mixed bag of reactions. I don’t like winter that much but I could not live where I had summer all year, so there is that.

    13. Kathenus*

      I think a lot of it depends on your perspective. If you spend time dreading winter or focusing on only the bad aspects of it, sure you might hate it. I love it myself, in spite of the occasional problems. Fall and winter are by far my favorite times of the year.

      I hate much of the summer. If it’s above 85-90 degrees, and where I am that’s a mild day certain times of the year, I’m really miserable. But recently I realized I was making it worse on myself by dreading it. The anticipation of the heat and humidity made me unhappy even before it was hot and humid! I was doing that to myself. So while I’ll never like that weather, I’ve shifted my mindset and stopped dwelling on it, and it has helped me get through the summer – less miserable anyway :)

    14. Artemesia*

      I moved from the South to a big Northern City when I retired. I like winter. If you have the down coat, the hat, the gloves, the warm boots than anything above about 15 F is fine. Of course being retired, I don’t need to get out in it when it is terrible, but I do most of my shopping on foot in winter as well as summer (and this morning the farmer’s market in the pouring rain).

      I hated summer in the south as it was humid and pollen filled and the sky was never blue — always white and hazy. We didn’t live on the coast so we didn’t have the compensation of the beach.

      Fall is beautiful and long in the north as is spring; it is nice having seasons.

    15. Reba*

      I really enjoyed winter when we lived in MA (caveat–this did not include the Snowpocalypse!). I love winter weather with the right gear. When we visited Norway we heard the philosophy that “there is no bad weather, only bad clothes.”

      We are nature people and the best of winter was all of the birds. We lived by the coast and got to see buffleheads (my faves), eiders, and unusual ducks regularly, not to mention eagles and osprey.

      But yes, weather is such an evergreen topic of conversation, especially with someone new to the area! I hope you continue to enjoy the seasonal changes.

    16. Courtney*

      Depends on the person- some people want to whine to the new person, and some people genuinely hate winter. I live in Michigan and I freaking loathe it. It’s dark and gloomy and cold and there’s ice and waking up early to shovel and I hate it with a passion. I am not generally someone who would share that with someone who just moved here, but you’re asking. Many people do like to go for the dramatics regardless – it’s like the high number of people who love to tell pregnant people awful stories about labor and childbirth.

      I should add that no, it’s not that bad EVERY year. The gray, gloomy sky is an every year thing that I don’t love, but my main hatred comes from shoveling and driving on bad roads. And some years aren’t too bad as far as actual snowfall goes.

    17. blackcat*

      If you are in Boston, I think there is still residual doom and gloom about winter after Feb ’15. It was a slow moving natural disaster that did billions in economic damage. It was really, really, really awful. The most snow ever in a season, and 90% of it came in 5 weeks, which meant there was little melting between storms. And I think many of us have sorta felt like we could just do without winter completely for a few years after that! I’ve done five winters here (originally from CA, so 55 degrees and rain was “winter” when I was a kid), and only that one bothered me. I do take vitamin D Sept-March, which I find helps a lot with my mood in the winter.

      I find most people enjoy winter, at least January, with there being more complaints about the dark (generally in December) than the cold. And people complain when it is still 15 degrees in March or snowing in April, but that’s more just wanting the seasons to change. It’s just how people generally enjoy Thanksgiving or pre-Thanksgiving snow, and will gripe about 75 degree days in October (for realz, my neighbor was just complaining about the forecast high tomorrow).

      A lot of people love winter here. Some are “meh” on it. I have found few people who hate it (or did prior to 2015), I think because they mostly move away. I live in a neighborhood with a lot of kids, and it’s hard to not have some of their joy over snow forts and snowball fights rub off on me (it also means I have a supply of youngsters I can pay to deal with my driveway, which makes me less frustrated by the snow).

    18. M is for Mulder*

      I think upper New England winters are better than winters near the freeze/thaw line, like heading into southern NY and PA. I’ve lived in both climates, and when it stayed cold enough for the snow to just pile up, that was one thing. When it would melt into slush and refreeze into ice, that was something else altogether. The border of cold/warm is the worst part, IMO.

    19. IntoTheSarchasm*

      I live in Northern Lower Peninsula Michigan, we get lake effect snow and some great winds off Lake Michigan. I don’t do winter sports but I don’t mind winter, there is something exciting about the change of the seasons. For us, it is about preparation, making sure we have someone to plow the driveway, shovels, coats, etc. all ready to go. Travel can be difficult and mess up your plans, but being in a cozy house when a snowstorm is blowing is a great feeling. You will have to cope with the aftermath, but watching it happen is pretty cool.

    20. nep*

      I can’t stand winter — hate being out in the cold, hate the treacherous driving (when most people out there continue to drive like jerks), hate shoveling esp when temps really low (love the workout of shoveling but concerned for heart, fingers, and toes), hate clearing snow off the cars. I’m not keen on using the word hate but it really applies here.

        1. the gold digger*

          Yes. It’s dark when I leave for work. It’s dark when I come home. My workspace is in the middle of a low-ceiling building with almost no windows (converted factory and not the cool, downtown kind). We do our own shoveling, which means if it snows at night, we have to shovel before I leave for work – and we have a long driveway that is bounded on both sides by houses and at the end by a fire hydrant, which means we very quickly run out of places to put the snow, which means carrying shovelsfull of snow to the yard. The plow always comes after we have shoveled and throws plow poop into the driveway, requiring further (harder) shoveling.

          It’s cold. It’s wet. It’s dreary. Doing anything takes ten times longer. Even just changing clothes to work out at lunch is a pain the neck because I have to have so many more layers than I do in the summer, including – yes, I will say it – PANTYHOSE. Because there is no way I am having bare legs in the winter. I already have a space heater and a blanket at my desk and my personal brand at work is, “That Lady Who Is Always Wearing Her Winter Coat.”

          I. Hate. Winter.

          The second my husband is dead, I am moving south.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        For nep or anyone who hates clearing snow off of cars, you might like to consider getting something like this snow broom. (Link in reply below.)
        My husband bought it and I thought what a waste of money. Well I am eating those words. I love it and I give them as gifts. It has changed my morning routine on snowy days. I can clear a car in a few minutes and be on my way. At work, I can quickly clear off someone else’s car for them (usually for older people when I know the snow is giving them a rough time).It’s no effort on my part with this thing.

        My link is not the one I bought, it’s just to show what I am talking about. I bought my husband’s at a car dealership. It. will. not. wear. out. Generally, the bigger the broom part the quicker you can clear your car. If you have a choice pick the bigger broom.

    21. msroboto*

      Winter can be cold and snowy and all that can be not too fun.

      Or you can choose to embrace it and learn to snowboard or ski. Suddenly you will be looking forward to cold weather / snow. There are small places that you can learn at that probably people that are advanced would scoff at but learn at those places and then as you get better you can advance to the bigger places.
      This could be a good way to meet people too.

      Did you know that some runners do snow shoe racing in the winter? It’s a thing. A weird thing to me but it’s done.

    22. Overeducated*

      I miss winter in New England! (And fall and summer, though I feel like spring is mostly a long cold wet letdown.) I miss it so much I am applying for jobs to move back north.

      Many of the relocated Texans and Californians I know in New England are pretty miserable about the weather, though, so I think there’s no objective perspective here. It’s all what you like and what you’re used to.

    23. SnarkyLibrarian*

      I’d love to hear an update from you once you’ve gotten more winter experience! I’ve lived my whole life in Florida and I dream of moving somewhere that experiences real seasons. The sun is so…aggressive here. I think I’d enjoy somewhere with LESS sunlight, as weird as that sounds. But I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle real cold. I hope you have a great fall/winter!

  44. Rilara*

    I just posted but I realized I had another question that wasn’t related to my previous one.

    How did other people here adjust to grad school? I just started a grad program (in engineering if that’s relevant) last month and I’ve found that I’m really struggling with the homework. The homework is significantly more challenging than in undergrad, and it’s making me a little worried that I want cut it, partly because it doesn’t seem like anyone else in my classes is struggling. I’ve always done well in school, and in undergrad that was true most of the time as long as I studied. If anyone else was a similar student, I’m curious to hear about your experience!

    1. Julia*

      I am in grad school right now and never studied much as a kid. That said, my undergrad included a lot of reading and papers, so I’m not completely unused to it, although it’s been a while. I definitely find grad school with my current courseload (seven classes plus thesis prep) more work than a 9-5, even though I technically also spend some time at school talking to my classmates instead of working.

      I’m not really sure what to do tell you, though, because I haven’t been this stressed out in quite a while, but eating healthily, trying to get in at least some exercise like walking and maybe a short meditation every day to battle anxiety?

      Are you sure everyone else is breezing through, or does it just seem to you like they are? Because my classmates are all as stressed out as I am, and some of them have to work on top of this. And some of us are definitely cutting corners by not reading every article we’re supposed to read..

    2. Sarah*

      I don’t have a graduate degree, but I am an coordinator for a top-20 graduate Engineering program. Please email your advisor and let them know how you’re feeling. I say “email” because they might then connect you with a different person in your department you can set an appointment with. (For me it would be the program Director, who is also faculty, and can speak more to the details of the curriculum) My Director has said about a few students that they wish students had come to them earlier, when they began struggling. I know you’re probably afraid of seeming like you can’t keep up, but don’t be! You’ll come off as someone who is dedicated to succeeding, and administrators will look on that much more kindly than someone who comes in after they’ve bombed their courses. It’s not necessarily that you’re looking for an immediate outcome, but that you want to stay on their radar as trying to succeed, and picking up any constructive advice that you can. Best wishes, and hang in there!

    3. Zathras*

      I suspect more of your classmates are struggling than you think. People hold themselves to different standards – you sound like someone who puts pressure on themselves to do well. I am like that too and this was always hard for me to understand, but there are people who really don’t care at all about their grade as long as they pass. So they may seem less stressed about the class even though they are not doing as well as you.

      I have an M.Eng and I graduated wishing I had taken more advantage of internships and opportunities for practical experience. I was working 20 hours a week in retail to bring in some money and kept it because I liked my coworkers and the schedule was flexible. In retrospect I would have been better off quitting and either getting my time back for studying, or spending the time working in a job or internship relevant to my field. It worked out OK but in my first job out of the program I was super underpaid because I did not have much relevant practical experience. Once I got 2 years experience I switched jobs for a 50% salary increase.

      Also, to be brutally honest, I was almost certainly clinically depressed for most of grad school just because I was not sleeping anywhere close to enough. Please do everything you can not to do that to yourself. There was one semester that I dropped to part time just because of course availability, and I suddenly felt SO MUCH BETTER just because I was no longer chronically sleep deprived.

      1. Zathras*

        Oh, also, something that I caught onto too late coming from a non-technical undergrad degree – in many cases if you go to office hours / study sessions, the TAs basically give away the homework solutions. If you’re not going, the people around you may getting better homework grades with less effort just because they go. To do well on the exams and really grasp the material you still need to spend time studying the solutions to make sure you understand them, but you waste less time struggling. I still found it was best to try the problem before going, but I eventually learned not to spend hours on a problem that stumped me.

  45. Casca*

    I love Mallory Ortberg as a writer, but her advice can be pretty hit and miss. Did anyone else see the pills letter?

    3. Candy*

      Didn’t see the pills letter, but on the whole I find her Prudie column a bore (and I loved the toast!) Her answer to everything is to see a therapist. Which is totally valid advice, but everyone knows they can see a therapist! But because of time or money or whatever reason the OP is writing to her to act as their therapist for a minute so maybe try offering some actual advice instead of pawning them off on someone else? Not to mention, it’s super boring to read

      1. Casca*

        Yeah, I almost find myself skippng her response when I know the letter is not one of her good topics..

    4. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I feel like, as long as I have Hax for general life advice and AAM for work and general life advice, I don’t really need any other columnists. I used to read a wide variety of advice columns for edification/entertainment, but Carolyn and Alison have ruined me for anyone else.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I just read my own post and realized it may sound dismissive of your original question, which is not what I intended. /foot in mouth

    5. Ruth Zardo is F.I.N.E.*

      I mostly enjoy her column. All advice columnists miss the mark sometimes and she’s new, so it’s probably hard to judge when something is beyond the scope of your capabilities. My favorite advice blog is Captain Awkward.

      1. Casca*

        I visit CA, but I find it too repetitive to go regularly. I was also very distraught by a guest columnist’s advice once so I’m weary because that should not have been endorsed (the “as a non-disabled person, it’s your duty to carry the pwd up the stairs” WTF??)

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, that one was, I think, a legendary wrong-foot. More recently there was a comment stream about how adoptees should be grateful, and that was the reason to adopt older kids. Nobody pushed back or even batted an eye at that, and I took a horrified break from the place.

          1. TL -*

            What?! I missed that one.
            Oy vey. I still remember the poor guy who wrote in with pretty clear social anxiety and was told he should worry about talking to women.
            The problem with CA is that when something is wrong, it doesn’t tend to get called out. Or if it does, it’s always countered by a “your privilege makes you think that” argument.

          2. Sylvan*

            “Adopt older kids, they’ll be more grateful for it?” What?

            I’ve been thinking about checking out this column because I keep hearing good things about it. Maybe not? What do you think?

        2. Sylvan*

          I don’t think that specific guest columnist, Elodie, has written any guest articles for CA since then. (I just deleted a paragraph-long complaint about that advice from this comment, lol.)

    6. Crafty*

      I love Hax because even when I don’t see things from the same perspective, she always cuts to the heart of the issue and makes me think. Her insights have had actual, concrete benefits in my life. Same for Cheryl Strayed and AAM and Captain Awkward. I’m just not getting that with Mallory. I wanted to love her and I think her writing is great! But she misses important details a lot and takes too long to get to the point. Ive never started with a columnist from the beginning though, does it take time?

    7. fposte*

      I find her writing entertaining, but I think she’s at her best when she’s had more time to consider her answers, so the online chats are hit-or-miss depending on how close they hit to her wheelhouse.

        1. Rainy*

          I certainly don’t. When I’ve gone back and read stuff from earlier in her run it was okay, but by the time I was reading her Prudence stuff she’d turned into a disgusting rape apologist constantly whining about how girls these days were trying to make her sons into rapists.

            1. Ann O.*

              Doesn’t she have both a son and a daughter?

              She definitely turned into a rape apologist by the end of her tenure as Dear Prudence.

                1. Rainy*

                  Maybe? I remember there being a pic of Emily Yoffe next to it.

                  Regardless, she *is* a rape apologist, based on a lot of her column answers over the last two years of her tenure as Prudie.

                2. Elizabeth H.*

                  I don’t feel that she is a “rape apologist.” That’s incredibly strong language for what is just an opinion. I like her writing about sexual assault and college drinking culture.

    8. Rainy*

      I loved the Toast of course, but honestly her advice is not great. The stuff that’s in her bailiwick tends to be great, but there’s not much in her current bailiwick, and when she ventures outside, her advice is actually pretty bad. (THE DOG LETTER OMG)

      2. blackcat*

        Yeah her pets advice is bad. I was pissed about her advice on the sister with cats letter this week.

        Anyone, including family, who suggests that I get rid of my cat or keep him outdoors (where he would totally get run over) doesn’t get to stay at my house. All the Nopes. I expect severely allergic people to decline invitations to my house since they know the cat is part of the deal (I always make this clear). I have friends who I love who are allergic, and if they want to visit me, I suggest hotels and AirBnB. They understand this is not a slight, and I am not at all bothered if people decline to come over/stay with me based on the cat. The cat is a member of my family.

        I also view people who refused to even occasionally give kids allergy meds ridiculous. I am allergic (not severely) to my own damn cat. I was allergic to my family cat growing up, and my mom chose to medicate me rather than get rid of the cat (her decision was also informed by the fact that I am mildly allergic to nearly everything in the world, so unless I stayed away from all dust/pollen/grass, I would need daily meds anyways). Allergy meds are safe for all but a very few people, particularly if taken only short-term.

        Treating that letter writer as reasonable was… not reasonable.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          My goodness I was so angry at that column! Basically, the only reason she agreed it was okay reasoning by the sister was because the dog could be eaten by a coyote since there are coyotes in the area? How about because you wouldn’t shut a child out of their house for an entire weekend because it’s child abuse? That’s the animals’ home! If someone asked me to leave my dog outside for an entire weekend, I would tell them not to bother expecting to visit me ever again.

          1. blackcat*

            I mean, I don’t always buy the “what if it were a child” analogy. Pets are pets, they aren’t human. But they can still be beloved family members–they’re not just possessions!

            My most baffling “people think animals are possessions” moments have always happened around horses. I guess because they’re less cuddly/have more of a working history, people don’t think of them as beloved members of a family. When I was a kid, my mom picked up a rescue pony to keep along with the 4-5 horses we had at any given time. We kept them at a stable just around the corner (so not on our property, but very, very close, so sometimes we’d bring the horses into our backyard for a day–our property was legally too small to keep them there). Once the pony was healthy, this woman kept bugging my mom to sell her the pony for her daughter. I remember her being SO persistent! Saying things like “There’s no way you’ll get anything near what I’m offering for her.” She seriously did not get that that was not the point. I remember my mom retorting, “She’s not a car, and she’s not a toy for your daughter to play with until she gets bored. I’m keeping this animal until she dies.” And we did. Because the pony wasn’t a toy for a child, she was an old, sweet, severely abused animal who deserved a comfortable, loving home in her old age. And we gave her that, including lots of attention from our cat. Like any member of my family, that pony loved cats.

    9. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      I’ve been so disappointed in her Dear Prudence.

      It’s repetitive and uninsightful. I’m not sure why someone would go to her for advice.

    10. Artemesia*

      She was terrible on this. When she doesn’t know something she just blathers along with her ‘common sense’ dispensing inaccuracies about FMLA in this case and a total cluelessness about workplace norms in others. That letter was particularly badly handled, but she blows pretty much every workplace letter. And the WaPo’s workplace columnist seems pretty inexperienced as well.

    11. Florida*

      Sometimes I feel like an old soul. I miss Ann Landers (who I read in high school/college). It’s been more than a decade since she died, but I thought she was practical and straightforward. I also like Carolyn Hax for the same reason.

      At first I liked Mallory Ortberg – she was a breathe of fresh air compared to Emily Yoffe. But really her advice is terrible. Sometimes I wish she would just say, “Talk to a therapist.” Because if the person follows the advice that Ortberg gives, they are going to make their life worse and require significant therapy.

      The prize for the worst advice columnist goes to Miss Manners. The trio that writes it focuses more on being snippy than answering the questions. And really if your are writing about manners, snippy is probably the worst persona you can have. Maybe she should try for gracious.

      1. fposte*

        In her heyday, Miss Manners was wonderful–occasionally acerbic but incisively intelligent and hospitably humorous. It’s not the same as it was when it was just Judith Martin.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        If you are an old soul I am positively ancient because I read Ann Landers in elementary and junior high school as well as high school/college. (I started reading right after she presided over the final flareup of The Meatloaf Recipe Controversy.) She was a gem–a breath of fresh air but also full of old-fashioned appreciation for hard work and self-discipline. If she didn’t originate the phrase MYOB she certainly popularized it. She also created “wake up and smell the coffee” and The Ann Landers Question for dissatisfied spouses (“Would your life be better or worse without him?”).

        Okay, I’m going back to the Dinosaur age now. If anyone needs me I’ll be chipping away at a stone tablet.

    12. NaoNao*

      I didn’t see the “pills” letter but I’m amused by some of the situations. I actually didn’t like “Old Pru”, I hated her need to make puns or wordplay out of sometimes serious situations and I didn’t like the vague way she dispensed advice, that made it hard to actually apply (“Your husband needs to have a serious think about life”)
      I like Slate a lot and read about 30% of any given “paper”, and I’ll only click on the most outrageous situations, because I know her advice will be very dry and literal.
      My absolute favorite advice columnist used to be Cary Tennis, but as I got older, I found him a bit…unrealistic? Some of his stuff is great, others he kind of uses the question as a prompt to riff on life. Not super helpful.
      I religiously read “Ask Polly” at The Cut (and read her “Awl” stuff too, it’s great). She goes on tangents and she sometimes references Tennis in what seems to be a negative way, which seems odd, because to be frank, she’s the female Tennis! (And her womanhood and motherhood factor heavily in her answers).
      I devoured all of Cheryl Strayed and read a lot of Hax. Captain Awkward too. There’s some good stuff out there. NuPru is like a solid “C’ in my book.

  46. Keladry of Mindelan*

    Were you in Girl Scouts as a kid? I’m a Daisy Girl Scout leader, with 12 six-year-olds to wrangle and find activities for. What were the things that you liked/didn’t like/wanted to do more of? It’s a lot of fun, but everything has to be done in 5-9 minute chunks because their attention spans are so short and they get the wiggles.

    1. Mimmy*

      I was, though at that age, it was called “Brownies”. Not sure if they still call it that. I do remember being in Girl Scouts a few years later, but only remember things vaguely (I had a lot of issues in childhood that I think marred my memories of some of these things. Nothing with my family, no worries!). I think I mainly remember camping trips.

      1. Artemesia*

        IN the US Daisies are the younger group before Brownies. I had a scout troop of 10 and 11 year olds It is hard to plan things. Our biggest successes were camping trips. For meetings we tried to have craft projects. One thing we did was write and illustrate poems and make a book that everyone got a copy of. With very young kids I’d probably be planning nature studies and crafts.

    2. Language Student*

      I was a Rainbow (age 5-7), Brownie (7-10) and then a Guide (10-14), so it’s similar. I really loved doing arty things that I could take home and show off – seasonal stuff was great! Is there any kind of “badge earning” or group system with Daisy Scouts? I really enjoyed doing something towards earning badges, and doing something competitive that earned my group buttons (we used buttons for points). Activities about the local area, or involving helping the local area in some way were good, too – I remember enjoying feeling like part of something. Physical/funny/loud songs were fun (the type with specific moves or where you basically end up screaming – understandably, we weren’t allowed to do that often) and physical stuff in general was good, whether it was more sporty or games like blink murder.

      1. dawbs*

        daisys ae in that rainbow age range–and there are definitely badges.
        There are petals (for your daisy) and badges for the front–as well as ‘unoffical’ badges for all sorts of stuff (so, for example, our troop does the local holiday light parade. If you went, you get a patch that can go on the back of your vest/smock)

        The lessons were a pretty good mix of ‘big picture’ things (lets talk about honesty) and nitty gritty (if there’s an emergency, there’s some information you need to know. Do you know your phone number and address) that’s age appropriate.

        My daughter just aged into brownies :)

    3. Elkay*

      Google for Interest Badges. Lots of units run them in the UK as a fundraiser but the resources are always free online. I use them with my older Guides all the time. They’ve been a lifesaver because they love to earn badges.

    4. Chris*

      I always remember that I wanted to do more practical activities.
      We seemed to do mostly art crafts when I was in the scouts, which was fun too, but I wanted to learn cool stuff like my friend’s brother in the boy scouts- how to tie knots, use a compass, make a potato battery (ok maybe not practical so much as cool looking)

      And now that coding has so many kid friendly options if I were a kid again I would love exploring that as well. A guy I used to work with did something with robots as a summer class in that age bracket and his class was always sold out/overbooked.

      1. EddieSherbert*

        +100!

        I was always sooo jealous of my brothers’ amazing trips and programs in Boy Scouts. I had zero interest in sewing, cooking, or arts and crafts.

      2. dawbs*

        This seems to be really troop dependent.
        My kid has been in daisies and has learned archery (as best a 7 year old can :) and some knots and knife safety (during which she cut herself :) –but some of the other local troops are much more ‘learn to sew’.

    5. CAA*

      I was a Girl Scout as a kid and a leader for my daughter’s troop from Daisy through Ambassador.

      For Daisies and Brownies we did a lot of outdoor running around games, often changing the theme to whatever we were working on. Something like tag can be modified so that each child is assigned to be an animal or plant in the food chain and the top “animal” has to catch the next one in the chain and hold hands, and so on until they’re all holding hands in a line. They also loved “steal the bacon” (sometimes we used themed words instead of numbers) and “human knot”. Any game that requires cooperation and doesn’t have a winner (and hence no loser who needs to be consoled) is good.

      My troop always really liked art projects (two of them make their living in art now), and when little they were especially fond of glitter glue and neon colored paint. We painted pots and then planted day lilies in them for Mother’s Day. We also painted hats and socks for one of the Brownie Try-Its.

      Also, tap your troop parents for their skills. We had one Mom who was a hobbyist photographer and one who was a veterinarian. My DH has a telescope so everyone got to look at Jupiter on one camping trip. The girls love it when their parent comes in and shares something with the whole troop.

    6. dawbs*

      for the day to day nitty gritty, tag in parent helpers as needed. I don’t have the time to be a troop leader, but our troop, for daisy and brownie, will have a spot for 2-5 parents to sign up to help–so I can’t commit to every week, but 1 time a month, being an extra set of hands/extra authority? absolutely! (I just saw a facebook post of “need more parents for tuesday”, and I can’t do tuesday, but I”m seeing if Grandma can–because that’s how we do it)

      Also dont’ hesitate to ask for other group buy-in, and parent buy in. I work at a science museum, so I’m always game to do a project w/ the kids–but I also can sometimes hook them up with the ‘hey, do you want an outing” stuff

    7. Florida*

      I always think field trips are cool. I’ve seen scouts take a backstage tour of the grocery store or fast food restaurant. Once when I was at the bank, there was a scout group taking a tour. I wanted to back in the vault too, but I’m pretty sure that would’ve gotten me arrested. Our USPS distribution center does scout tours.
      As an adult, I was in a program that went to the county facility where they makes street signs. That was great. I’m sure your city/county commissioner could arrange that for you.
      There are a million places you can go that are really just normal places, but if you get a backstage tour, then it is super neat. And remember that a backstage tour of a grocery store is not that interesting for adults, but kids have never seen a freezer that big.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I was–all the way up to Cadette, but at that point all the other girls discovered boys and clothes and we disbanded the only troop. In Brownies from about age 7 on, we did a LOT of crafts. And cooking. Once we made butter from scratch. Oh, and doing this thing where we picked up autumn leaves and then ironed them in between sheets of wax paper. That was super fun.

      In Juniors, we did crafts and food too, but we also had pocketknives (!!!) and learned outdoor stuff and went camping. How to make a campfire, a Buddy Burner, and a little stove out of a coffee can. I was rubbish at tying knots, LOL. I got a kit with a book recently because I want to really learn it now. But I loved the outdoor and nature stuff the best–learning to identify trees, etc. Probably because I lived in the country and played in the woods so much.

      I guess taking them outside for short bursts would be fun. Spot squirrels, and birds, clouds, and stuff like that. I don’t have the handbook anymore or I’d look.

    9. Colette*

      I was a girl guide as a child, and have been a leader for … a lot of years. I like to try to introduce the girls to experiences they wouldn’t get otherwise. Bake bread (or pizza crust), go to a kids workshop at your local hardware store, go for a hike in the woods, go snowshoeing. Put up tents, make cookies in a jar, cook hot dogs over a fire.

    10. JD*

      We really liked our sewing crafts. My favorite were these towel pouches you tie around your waist for camping. You put it on when walking to the bathroom and it stores all your essentials. You fold a hand towel in thirds, sew a rope into into it to wrap around your waist, sew pocket for toothbrush, paste, etc. then you fold the top over so it almost looks like an apron. I feel like I am butchering this explanation. lo

    11. Girasol*

      I was a US scout from Brownie (youngest at the time, age 7) to Senior. As a young Brownie with a short attention span I could be kept on task with simple paper crafts, anything involving simple food prep that led to eating afterward, unstructured walks where we could play with things we found in nature, and simple active games where we might run around and scream our heads off. Speaking of which, one of our finest days was being on the “Cap’n Mitch Show,” one of those old TV shows where the host asks a dozen local children each child’s name and some humorous question to amuse the audience and intersperses that with short cartoons. The event was not, as we had imagined, on a real riverboat, but in a studio next to a wrestling ring. It was some compensation that we were allowed to stay for the filming of wrestling. I still wonder what that looked like on TV: two men mashing each other while eight uniformed Brownies screamed their heads off at ringside as though they had big money riding on the outcome.

  47. Mimmy*

    Our remodeling work is inching along. But now we’re really regretting our choice of contractor. The work is starting to look a little sloppy. The kitchen cabinets have all been mostly installed, but hubby noticed some visible problems, like a crooked drawer handle (the first and only one installed so far) and one cabinet that has drill holes because they’d inadvertently put it in the wrong place. My husband also noticed a spot in the hallway where they didn’t paint.

    I think part of the problem is that our contractor almost never has the same helper with him for more than a few days at a time. I guess this makes sense – you bring in one guy who has skills with painting and trim work, another guy who’s good with cabinets. Yet, it all just feels so random and haphazard. I have a feeling that once this is done, we’re going to find ourselves fixing some of the things that they messed up or forgot. It doesn’t help that they all speak little English. The main contractor speaks some English, but not very well.

    As I said last week, we went with this guy because he offered what we thought was good price to do THREE rooms whereas the other contractor we were looking at would’ve done just one room – the price was higher too. In hindsight, I do recall having some misgivings at such a low price, but no….being rather inept with these type of decisions, I trusted my husband’s judgment.

    *Sigh*

    1. Mimmy*

      Annnnnnd we just discovered that his licensed has been expired since March, with a status of “terminated” per our local consumer affairs division! I’m hoping the site just hasn’t been updated. Note to selves: Check for proof of licensing!

        1. Mimmy*

          That’s what we’re probably going to do. I think he’s due to come tomorrow. So glad I’ll be at work tomorrow – I’m nervous just thinking about it.

    2. Kathenus*

      This may not help with your project, but something someone told me about contractors/projects has really helped me have more realistic expectations. There are three main facets of a major project – price, quality, and time. You will almost never get more than two of these. So if you get good quality done quickly, you’ll pay more. If you pay less, you might get good quality but it takes forever; or it might be done quickly but lower quality. You see the point. I’ve found this to be so true in my experiences since then, and letting go of expecting all three aspects to be priorities has helped reduce my frustration. So you got a lower price, you probably will be sacrificing either some amount of quality, or how quickly the project is done. Decide what’s most important to you between these three, and let that help frame your selection of contractors in the future – or in discussions about your concerns with this one. Good luck!

      1. Anono-me*

        This is an immutable law of the universe. “Cheap, fast, good; Pick 2 and hope. ”

        Is there someone you know who is fluent in the contractor’s primary language and would be willing to help with a conversation about the quality of work you expect?

        Good luck Mimmy.

    3. Dainty Lady*

      I feel your pain. Or at least I will feel your pain whenever my husband and I get around to doing the work we want to do! There’s a local design-build firm that does exquisite work and is $$$$. But they are absolutely top notch. My husband wants to take their ideas and shop around and go for a less expensive contractor and I know for a fact that he will be annoyed at every tiny delay and every tiny less-than-perfect angle and every puff of dust left on the floor. So I’ve told him that we can’t do this until he retires and has ooo-gobs of time to oversee it and fuss about it, and I *won’t* be the person to complain about small problems. If he doesn’t want to pay for the excellent work up front, he can be the one to pay for it in supervision.

      Good luck, Mimmy.

      1. Cheesehead*

        I’m at the tail end of a kitchen renovatation. The contractor who we used before with just a few issues had many this time a around. Every time there is a problem he explains in a reasonable voice that I am the one who is being too picky. The kitchen floor tiles were installed unevenly. The first fix didn’t work. The second try worked somewhat not perfectly ( there are about 12 tiles still with uneven edges and that aren’t plumb with each other but I am living with it. Someone on his crew mismeasured and the stove is 3/4 of an inch he higher than the counter. It’s a slide in. The microwave above the stove was installed with about a foot clearance from the stove top. And has to be reinstalled. The is a built in piece that his carpenter made that is not squared but would have to be torn completely out to fix and that seems a little crazy to do that, so we are goi to live with it.
        And he just presented us with another bill for an additional 3,000 for the additional work. We paid above market rate for this renovation. It was supposed to be done by the last week in August. When the contractor makes the error, who pays for the fix?

  48. katamia*

    My move hasn’t gone well at all. I’ve run into issues with people not accepting my credit card for the first time. It’s an American card, yes, but it’s chip and pin (even though everyone’s still making me sign things, WHY????). It’s a travel card. I’ve used it on two continents without any problems in the past. I cannot for the life of me figure out what the deal is and why people are so unwilling to accept the card. I finally do have a bank account here, but they’re sending me so many letters with weird dribbles of information in the name of “fraud prevention” that I finally had to ask the bank if I could deposit money yet because I couldn’t tell if my account was set up or if I still had to wait for more weird letters.

    One company, A, (who doesn’t, as far as I can tell, have competitors, so I couldn’t go elsewhere, and this was a service I desperately need–and still don’t have yet) was given my American phone number instead of my new local phone number because it took me so long to get a phone because it took me so long to find someone who would accept my American credit card. I updated my number with Company B (who facilitates communication between me and Company A). More than a week later, Company A was still calling my American phone number despite having been given my new number (which I’m confident they were given because Company B is pretty with it) and also having my email address, which they never even tried to contact me on. Company B finally gave me Company A’s number. I think Company A would have continued calling my old number for months if I hadn’t finally been given their contact number.

    I haven’t been able to do any sightseeing. I don’t even know what to say when people here ask me if I’m enjoying their country because I’m so angry at how things have been going. I’m not focusing at all on my studies and am just obsessively planning potential school break vacations as therapy. After my miserable experience trying to get a visa (I didn’t share much of it here, but I think it was, no joke, the worst experience of my life, except for maybe trying to find an apartment here), I really needed things to go better here, but they’re not.

    I don’t really have any specific questions. I’m just tired, ready to be out of here, and glad my grad program is only a year long.

    1. katamia*

      (And, no, this really isn’t “just part of moving to a new country.” I’ve done that before. I didn’t have anywhere near the amount or magnitude of problems I’ve had here despite a significant language barrier in the other country.)

    2. caledonia*

      I’m really sorry it’s not been a positive experience. I hope it gets better. Maybe seek therapy from your uni as a way of processing the negatives so you can focus on your studies (as that’s what you came here to do).

      1. katamia*

        Yeah, I’m planning to look into it. But, knowing my luck, they’ll probably already be booked for months in advance.

        1. caledonia*

          I can’t remember where you’re studying but even if your uni one is booked, hopefully a) they can recommend somewhere else or b) if you’re registered with a dr they might be able to. c) there may also be online resources as well.

    3. Zathras*

      Yikes, my sympathies! I hope things get sorted out soon and you are able to start enjoying your new home.

      I think all American chip cards, even ones that technically have a PIN, will default to signature anywhere that has the capability to accept a signature. They fall back on the PIN only as a last resort, like in an automated machine that can’t accept signatures.

      1. CAA*

        Actually there are several U.S. credit unions that issue PIN priority cards. If you can’t get one of those due to membership requirements, then Target’s and Walmart’s MasterCards both have PIN as the priority CVM.

    4. CAA*

      Every credit card has a list of authorization methods it supports in a priority order. Your card’s first choice method is signature. As long as you’re making a payment at an online location with an attendant, you will have to sign. The PIN is only used at unattended online terminals (like at a train station) or at offline terminals. You can see the exact order of your card’s verification methods by going to spotterswiki.com/evm and entering the relevant info in the search boxes.

      I don’t know what country you’re in, but I have seen some online comments recently that some places in the EU are refusing U.S. cards due to the difference in the interchange rates allowed by law. This seems to be a particular problem in Denmark, although I was there in August and had no problems whatsoever with my Wells Fargo Visa card (I did have to sign everywhere except at automated kiosks though). It sounds like you have a local bank account now, so you may be able to use a debit card against that account when your credit card is refused, but if you’re still having troubles, you might try using a U.S. debit card with a Visa logo if you have one. That seems to work for many people who are having trouble with their credit cards.

      2. katamia*

        Huh, interesting. I don’t think I’ve encountered that specific issue here. It’s more that I get told when I try to pay for things that I need a specifically UK bank card–I think I’d have the same issues if I were trying to pay with a French card or any other card. And when I tried to add money to my Tube card using my US card, it wouldn’t accept it, so I had to go running around to find an ATM.

        I do have a local bank account now, but I haven’t activated the bank card because I’m supposedly still waiting on yet another incomprehensible letter from them that may or may not have something I need before I can activate the actual card. (Also because I need to activate it first at one of that bank’s ATMs and I haven’t been near one in a few days, but, honestly, I’m done even trying things with this crappy bank before I can confirm it because their written communication makes no sense and I don’t want to annoy myself by trying and failing to activate the card before I’ve confirmed that it can be activated because I just don’t have the energy for that anymore. If it wouldn’t take so long to get another account and if I didn’t suspect I’d face further incoherent letters from any other bank around here, I’d just switch banks because I’m already so fed up with this one.)

        1. Jules the First*

          Welcome to the UK, land of absurd bureaucracy! Sounds like you’ve got a case of culture shock – bear with me! – which is far easier to get in the UK than in somewhere which is much more different…the tricky part is that you’re not expecting to have culture shock here (since superficially not much is different…the language is the same, your credit card should work, etc), so you’re unprepared for it when it arrives.

          The banks are all sh*t, with the possible exception of Santander; I once had a Barclay’s teller inform me that my Canadian passport (which I’d used to open the bank account and, you know, *enter the country*) was not valid ID for making a cash withdrawal….

          The tube/cash problem is easily solved – go online and register your Oyster card and then you can link it direct to your bank account and it will top up automatically when you go through your “home” station with less than £5. But you should also apply for the student Oyster (your uni can give you an application), because that saves you a fairly big chunk of change.

          And, one expat to another, you can always ping me here and I’ll buy you a pint and untangle the bureaucratese for you…

          1. katamia*

            LOL. Santander is my bank here because they have a convenient branch near my school. Nice to know my instincts about other banks not being better were on target.

            I do have a student Oyster card now finally (the one time I actually WANTED additional notification because I had no idea whether the picture was good enough or that it had even been sent). I don’t do any kind of autopay tied to my bank account, either, but adding to it won’t be a problem once I activate my debit card here. It just seems bizarre to me that such a large institution as the Tube that sees so many tourists can’t handle a credit card. (And on a larger level, I just feel like if you want people to come to your country, and presumably students are at least sort of wanted here still because they can charge us so much, then…maybe you should make it possible for us to actually pay for things.)

            1. Jules the First*

              Unfortunately the problem seems to be limited to American credit cards – I used to help international staff settle into the UK as part of my job and only the Americans ever had problems with payments (I think US bank security and EU bank security are not always compatible), especially if you had a more than 4 digit PIN or additional security set up on your card. I find it particularly entertaining that I can pay for transport with my contactless credit card, but I have to enter my PIN to top up my Oyster at a machine….

              And cheer up – when I first moved here 12 years ago, online banking used to have opening hours. Mmmmhmmm.

              At least as a student you won’t have to grapple with the existentialist theatre that is obtaining a National Insurance Number (which you can only get if you have a job, which would be all hunky dory and reasonable except that you can’t get a job without the number….)

              (Also, the a British don’t actually want anyone to come here…if they make it fun and enjoyable, foreign people might want to stay….horrors!)

    5. Artemesia*

      The American banking system decided Americans were too dumb to remember another pin code and so adopted the chip and sig system. Unlike Europe where you can use the pin right at the table when you dine, the chip pin is rare here and most vendors will not have dealt with it. It is very frustrating. We travel a lot and are annoyed at our Chip/sig card when we are in Europe and of course if it gets stolen it is easily used by a thief unlike the chip/pin cards.

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Welcome to the UK – the land of incessant and usually confusing bureaucracy. Some days it seems like to do anything there is a hurdle of epic proportions and paperwork, and thats before you even get to the unwritten rules of social behavior and class. This is the third time I have lived in the UK and honestly the first two times were easy compared to now. Also the political environment right now really doesn’t help much. This used to feel like a forward-looking country and now well, after spending almost three weeks home in the US where I could quickly and easily get things I needed, its really starting to feel like its all just slipping into a dark, backward place.

      Try reaching out and joining in with other students on your course though, it could help alleviate some of the issues as well. Or look up and see if there is anything going on around town you like to do etc. Being out and connecting with people can go a long way towards making things feel a lot less confusing.

      1. katamia*

        I am…kind of glad that’s not just me, actually. I’ve mostly tried to avoid comparing things to the US because as a US citizen I know I face fewer hurdles there than a non-citizen would, but having also lived abroad elsewhere, I’m having a harder time controlling the “UGH this was so much easier in [Othercountry] even though I wasn’t a citizen there either” thoughtstream.

        Most of the classmates I’ve spent time with aren’t from the UK either, but they don’t seem to have faced the same degree of struggles that I have. I don’t know how they haven’t managed to run into the constant stream of “You can’t do X without Y, but you can’t do Y without X” that I’ve been running into.

        I’ve been trying to look at everything I HAVE accomplished in getting settled in here, but it’s been so rough that these things still don’t really feel like an accomplishment, just a waste. Like I wasted money on an Airbnb because I couldn’t find a place before I got here (and wasted time and money on an apartment I had to walk away from because I found out after I’d already given the deposit that this company only accepted payment one single way that was impossible to me), Tube tickets because it took so damn long to get my student card, etc. (And I’m trying like hell to not resent having to pay 6 months’ worth of rent up front, which seems to be standard for international students here, and failing miserably because THAT IS SO MUCH MONEY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.)

        There’s stuff I want to do, I just don’t want to do any of it because I’m so exhausted from having to deal with being here.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

          What part of the country are you in? I know a few expat groups, especially in Newcastle and London (though the latter is mostly political).

    7. misspiggy*

      The UK is a pretty dreadful country in many ways. It’s also pretty wonderful in other ways, – travel is easy, there are so many beautiful corners and free culture. One way to get through it is to seek out more of the beauty to balance the crap. Can be as short as taking an extra walk at lunch or before dinner to look for interesting buildings.

      I hope you’ve got somewhere decent to live and that it gets easier.

  49. Cookie D'Oh*

    Any recommendations for restaurants and/or things to do in Los Angeles? We’ll be there for a three days next week staying close to Hollywood Boulevard. No rental car so planning to use Uber/Lyft. Our hotel has breakfast buffet so mainly looking for places for lunch/dinner. Just recently we got into eating sushi and we enjoy all types of food.

    I’d like to see Griffith Observatory, but other than that haven’t planned much. Not sure if Madame Tussauds or the Museum of Death would be interesting. Any other must see items?

    Thanks for any recommendations!

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Even though it’s a bit of a downer, I’d highly recommend the Museum of Tolerance. The La Brea Tar Pits are interesting, too. Oh, and the Japanese American National Museum!

      For food, try out Langer’s Deli.

      Also, the food court at the top floor of the Koreatown Galleria.

    2. EddieSherbert*

      I just was in LA a few weeks ago on vacation! And I’m a total foodie! Here’s some places I really liked….

      The Original Phillipe: located in Chinatown/Dodger Stadium – 100 yr old deli that created the French dip sandwich!

      Grand Central Market: located in Downtown – lots and lots of food vendors! Ramen Hood (vegan ramen), Eggslut (gourmet egg dishs?), DTLA Cheese (fancy cheeses!)

      California Donuts: located in Koreatown – fancy weird speciality donuts. Seriously, look at the donuts.

      Bossa Nova, a fancy but well-priced Brazilian restaurant on Sunset Blvd

    3. CAA*

      The Original Farmer’s Market at 3rd and Fairfax has lots of gourmet food places, but not many farmers. Eat at Du-Pars.

      The Griffith Observatory is cool. If you haven’t seen “La-La Land”, try to find the scene they filmed there online.

      If you’re near Hollywood & Highland, take a tour of the Dolby Theater. It’s actually pretty interesting to see all the backstage areas and how they manage things for the Oscars. The Chinese theater is right next door, and the Egyptian is down the street. It’s worth seeing the outside of both. There are some historic restaurants in that area too — Musso & Franks, Pig N Whistle, Miceli’s — go more to enjoy the architecture and ambiance than to get super innovative dishes though.

    5. SL #2*

      Hi! LA native and still living here. I recommend Sugarfish if you’re into sushi, hands down. They have locations all over LA and it’s decent quality at an even more decent price. Plus, their entire menu is a prix fixe so you don’t even have to worry about knowing what’s good and what isn’t.

      Would not recommend Madame Tussauds, but yes to the Observatory. Maybe the TCL Chinese Theater if you’re going to stick around Hollywood? They have cool cement handprints and stuff outside, just watch out for the weirdos on Hollywood Blvd trying to sell you CDs or trying to make you take a photo with their costumed characters.

      Grand Central Market downtown is lots of fun, and if you’re into food and happen to be in town on Sunday, try and go to Smorgasburg! It’s a weekly food festival on the outskirts of downtown, but all of LA’s hippest vendors go there. Wanderlust Creamery is a favorite of mine, mmm. The beach is a little far from Hollywood but if you’re willing to pay for Uber/Lyft OR take a 2-hour subway/light rail ride, you can get to Santa Monica Pier and 3rd Street Promenade.

    6. Squid Ink*

      Lived in LA for ten years and was back there in May after a couple years of being away. The Broad museum downtown was fantastic and a highlight of the visit. It’s free but you need to make reservations beforehand. I saw the Yayoi Kusama exhibit that was there then (one room, free). They expanded the exhibit and you have to buy a ticket (though I suspect it’s super hard to get one). But the museum itself is great. And you can walk to Grand Central Market and check out other parts of downtown.

      1. SL #2*

        Kusama’s ticketed exhibit is sold out for the entire run, iirc, but they’ve lumped in the free room temporarily with it, so it’s inaccessible for the rest of the time that the ticketed exhibit is in town. But I do like the museum itself a lot!

    7. Cookie D'Oh*

      Sorry for the delay in responding! Thanks so much for all the recommendations. I’m adding everything to my phone so I can look stuff up while I’m there. There’s so many food choices. I’ll have a hard time narrowing down my choices. Thanks again!

  50. Chronically On Time*

    I need help on what to say to family members who are chronically late.

    A little background – whenever we meet up with my husband’s kids (ages 19 and 23) they are rarely on time. Most recently they were a half hour late meeting up for a meal at a restaurant. On Father’s Day they were two and a half hours late and didn’t bother to text us a heads up. My husband finally texted them to ask what was going on and one of them replied they were on their way and they still didn’t show up for almost another hour (it’s approximately a 30 minute drive). They did apologize when they arrived, and had gifts in hand, so it didn’t seem right to have a conversation about their rudeness at that particular moment since we don’t get to see them very often with their busy schedules (work, school, friends).

    My husband and I are extremely punctual (we’re usually early) and find this kind of behavior very inconsiderate. If these were just friends we’d stop hanging out with them, but obviously it’s different when it’s family. It’s also very insulting they can’t be bothered to text a heads up when their phones are constantly in their hands, at least when they are around us (they also aren’t particularly good about replying to texts either which is why my husband didn’t bother texting them in the example above until over an hour had passed).

    Ideas on what to say before the next invite to get it across to them how much we don’t want it to continue?

    It’s worth noting it’s a little more touchy when it comes to his daughter since a few years ago she cut off all contact with us claiming my husband was controlling (which was an absurd accusation for many reasons I won’t get into here); however, now he’s hesitant to say anything that may even come across as such. I’m fine being the bad guy here if necessary; I’m just tired of sitting in my house waiting for them to stop by when they feel like it instead of the time previously agreed upon. It really sours the holidays and my attitude toward them. This isn’t an isolated incident or two – it’s pretty much every time they come over. I can’t wrap my head around them thinking it’s ok to not even leave their house until well after the time they agreed they’d be at ours. Help!

    1. Merci Dee*

      I agree that this behavior is rude, and you shouldn’t have to be hostage to this treatment. If you’ve made plans with the kids and they’re late, give them a reasonable window (maybe 15 minutes or so, because traffic can happen to anyone), and then go do what you planned without them. Let them roll up to your place and find it empty. If they call, sound slightly surprised: “Oh, we didn’t expect to hear from you! We waited for 15 minutes, then figured you weren’t coming. Guess we’ll catch up with you next time!” Nobody is being the bad guy here, and nobody is being controlling. But you’re getting your schedule back, and not being subject to the whims of people who have shown they have no respect for anyone else’s time.

      1. Temperance*

        I’d be curious to know whether OP and her husband are also putting effort into visiting the kids or just expecting them to visit.

        1. Chronically On Time*

          We cannot visit them at their place because one of them lives at home with their mom (my husband’s ex) and the other in a very small apartment with their significant other (but we have gone over when we’ve been invited). It seems like unless we bring it up, we’re not on their radar too much since their focus is spending time with friends when not at school or work. I think that’s typical at their age, though, so we don’t let that bother us.

          So with all that being said, it tends to be holidays for the most part which is why they come to our place. In addition, every so often we’ll invite them out to eat and pick a place close to where they live. I guess that’s what made the latest incident so frustrating – we were the ones traveling from much further away and still had to sit around over a half hour for them to arrive somewhere that was at most a 10 minute drive away.

          1. Temperance*

            I can provide some insight on the holiday thing. My husband is in the same position as your stepkids, although his parents hate each other and do not get along, which adds another wrinkle. Holidays frankly suck for us unless we just opt out completely. We’re disappointing someone by either not spending enough time with them or by being “late” to their house, and no one appreciates how draining it is to travel.

            My husband’s mother and grandparents want all of the holidays. Booth’s dad also wants us to see him on holidays. They don’t live near each other, and they compete for attention.

            After Booth’s dad and dad’s girlfriend reamed us out for being “late” to visit them for a holiday, I decided that it wasn’t worth the effort to try and placate everyone, and Booth agreed. ((As background, on this particular visit, Booth’s grandmother was extra whiny and clingy and kept trying to keep us at her place. We were only late because she was fake crying and we couldn’t just leave her.)

      2. Chronically On Time*

        I appreciate everyone’s advice. I agree it’s not worth bringing up if it’s going to cause issues, which is why we never said something when they finally showed up. I knew bringing it up then would only cause defensiveness and make them not want to come over at all.

        After we noticed this was a pattern, we asked if they could message us when they were on their way but that didn’t work out well either because they’d say sure but not do it.

        It’s so frustrating because we’ve always modeled being on time and keeping people in the loop, but they didn’t grow up living with us (only visiting on the weekends) so I guess it didn’t rub off on them. Their mother was never respectful of our time when they were younger – we’d end up sitting around waiting for them to show up (at their house at the time we were supposed to be picking them up, yet when she came to our house to get them she expected them to be ready immediately) so I don’t know why I’m even surprised. I guess I was just hoping that they’d grow up and learn it’s rude to do that to people. Plus it does feel a bit like a personal slight when they can manage to be on time for school or work.

        Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. :)

    2. Helpful*

      Disclaimer: I am also a big fan of punctuality.

      But there are people who are a) clueless and/or rude and who also b) you have to let it go if it’s going to be an atom bomb on the relationship. It sounds like both apply here.

      Just assume they will never be on time. Plan events where it doesn’t matter. Try to stop caring and focus on what you can enjoy about these interactions. Otherwise, this has major negative potential written all over it.

      Again, yes, they are rude and inconsiderate. But I don’t think it’s worth picking this particular fight. Best of luck to you.

      2. Bryce*

        If I ever get a family crest, the motto will be along the lines of “arrive early, bring a book”.

    3. fposte*

      What I think would be most helpful is to reframe it as the way they are, not something they’re doing to you, and rearrange your plans so their lateness impacts you as little as possible. A “conversation about their rudeness” is going to go nuclear fast.

      I’m a punctual person myself, so I understand your frustration with people who aren’t. But I don’t think you’re going to be able to talk them into approaching time differently. It could just be that they don’t bother, but comments won’t change that, and a lot of chronically late people have real difficulty managing time (there are some really good threads in AAM and Captain Awkward about how some people’s brains approach time).

      So consider the restaurant to be your and your husband’s celebration and order when you seated rather than waiting for anybody else to show; get a table for more if you’re feeling generous or get a table for whoever’s there at the agreed-upon time. I suspect that the Father’s Day thing was a “stopping by the house during the day” thing in their brains rather than a “have an appointment with my dad” thing, especially if you’re living in the place where they used to. So you can decide to read it the same way and feel free to go about your business that day; if they miss lunch, too bad so sad, if Dad’s in the shower, they can wait, if you’ve just that moment run an errand, oh, well. Just be clear that that’s the understanding (“It sounds like you guys are more comfortable with dropping by rather than finding a fixed time; we can make that work too, but you might have to wait for us a bit while we finish up errands or garden work”) rather than setting it up as a punishment. Or you can say “No, the house stuff hasn’t worked for us–how about you meet us at the restaurant?” and follow restaurant rules.

      But I would let go of the notions that 1) you can talk them into more punctuality and 2) that their lack of punctuality is a statement. I get that you don’t enjoy it, and I find it tough to be friends with people who have different rhythms too–but that’s because of the difference of the rhythm itself. If you take it into “being disrespectful” area it’s quite possibly mistaken, and it’s very likely to be a war with no victors even if you’re not.

    4. Candy*

      YMMV, of course, but in my experience, there’s nothing you can do about people who are always late. They don’t care that it bothers you and they won’t change. Ever.

      The only thing you can do is manage your own expectations. Tell them dinner starts at 8 but make your reservations for 8:30 or 9, invite them to parties but don’t wait for them to show up before you get things going, etc.

      Don’t sit around waiting for them to stop by when they feel like it — live your life and if they show, they show, if not, it’s fine because you never expected them to in the first place and now you’re busy with all the other stuff you planned to do that day.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Telling perpetually late family members that something begins 30 minutes earlier has worked well for my family over the years.

        1. Temperance*

          We tried this with my MIL, and she figured it out and just proceeded to keep being late all the time.

      2. tigerStripes*

        I know someone who does tend to be late on a regular basis, and I really don’t think that person does this on purpose. Maybe some people do, but maybe others just have a hard time getting it all together in time.

      3. Sylvan*

        I used to be chronically late and I figured out the “fake times” thing.

        Then other people were late to things I planned and I realized that my behavior was hurtful to people, made them feel that I took them for granted, and made them feel that I didn’t respect their time or effort. I think this is something people have to see for themselves, you can’t sit them down and talk sense into them, but it sure did work.

    5. Artemesia*

      Since you don’t want to confront, I would not be meeting them at restaurants. I would confine the get togethers to your home or theirs. If you invite them for dinner, plan something that is not time sensitive like a big pot of stew or soup that can sit on the warming burner, dishes that can be microwaved and things prepared ahead that are cold. Then assume they will be late and busy yourself with other things till they show up. If it is dinner, make sure you have an ample lunch or a snack in late afternoon. Get the table set, the foods prepared and stowed and then once ready watch a movie, read a book, work on whatever else you might do that afternoon and do the last half hour of preparation for serving when they arrive. i.e. drop the rope.

    6. Sam Foster*

      Stop inviting them to things that are time sensitive and tell them in plain, direct language why.

    7. Temperance*

      As their stepmom, this is not a conversation you can have without poisoning the well. Has your husband asked them *why* they are chronically late?

      My husband’s parents are divorced and do NOT get along, and his grandparents are emotionally needy, which creates a nightmare scenario for us because they all want our limited time and attention, and grandma isn’t above lying or waiting until we’re going to leave to “ask” for help with something.

    8. Crafty*

      I recommend the most recent Carolyn Hax article about coming to terms with strong political differences between parents and children, topic is different but it might be helpful none the less!

    9. nonegiven*

      Leave without them.

      Waiting in a restaurant, give them 10 and order without them.

      Waiting at a theater, go in so you don’t miss the start.

      2. nonegiven*

        Also, when entertaining in your home, 30 minutes after the time that was set, eat without them. If they arrive, they can join you. If they’re even later put a plate aside for them or fill a plate when they get there and nuke it.

    10. Laura*

      Stupid question… are they arriving together or separately?

      I ask because I’ve found that of my own willpower, I’m punctual to early. However, adding even one other person to the mix makes things a smidge more lateness prone/ closer to the ETD than I’d like.

      And while traffic happens, it could be happening at a few points because A has to grab B before meeting you at place C.

      Now if they’re arriving separately… that’s an entirely different issue.

      As for the texts thing…. shoot I just realized that I had it set to silence/ not show any new notifications when set to “Do Not Disturb” at all. (Even if I was using the device!) Finally fixed that. Could be something as simple as that…

      Good luck!

    11. Ron McDon*

      I feel for you; my sister is chronically late and it is sooooo frustrating!

      I have lost count of the number of times she’s told us she’ll be with us at x time; we wait around, not popping out to the shops etc because ‘she’ll be here any minute’; we try phoning/texting her with no reply … only for her to turn up two+ hours late (clutching a take-out coffee cup from somewhere she’s stopped on the way), apologising about traffic/’just couldn’t get organised this morning’.

      If we’re cooking lunch etc, it would get ruined as I would always tell myself ‘oh, she won’t be late again, this time she’ll be here on time’.

      The final straw was one Christmas morning, when she was supposed to be here by 11.30am (so we could have cocktails and a chat before lunch), and she turned up when we were dishing up at nearly 1pm!

      Now, we pop out to the shops if we need to – she’ll have to wait for us to get back.

      If we’re cooking a meal, we go ahead and eat without her – she has hers reheated when she turns up.

      If we’re at a restaurant we give her 10 mins then go ahead and order.

      It has not made her more punctual, but it removes some of the annoyance.

      Unlike other commentators here I don’t agree that some people process time differently etc. Some of us organise ourselves and our time to make sure we have the best chance of arriving somewhere at the time we agreed (sometimes there is a problem on the road etc so we may be delayed, but it is very rare). Whilst people like my sister shrug their shoulders, say it’s just the way they are, and don’t think it is at all important to be on time.

      I think it is very disrespectful, and something they could alter if they wanted to make the effort.

      I don’t think there is any point in having a conversation about it as their behaviour is unlikely to change. They don’t view timekeeping as a priority and don’t understand those who do.

      As others have suggested, I would go on and order in a restaurant, go out and do something else if they don’t arrive at your home within half an hour of the agreed time, if making food for them go on and eat when you’re hungry and heat theirs up – it won’t make them more punctual but you won’t feel like an idiot sitting there waiting for them.

      1. Jen Erik*

        This reminded me of my how-late-can-you-be-for-Christmas-lunch story…

        My aunt (and therefore my uncle and cousin) was perpetually late for Christmas dinner. (Which annoyed us, the children, because we opened our presents after lunch, and my parents would try to hold off, so our cousin could open his at the same time. If they hadn’t arrived by 4pm, they would fold, and let us open everything.)

        My aunt lived about 60 miles away, and given this is the 1970s, cars were probably slower – but once she arrived at midnight. I’m still boggled anyone could appear that late for lunch. Would you not think, as you left the house at 10pm or whenever – ‘They’ll have had a long day, let’s call over tomorrow instead’?

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Good observations here and adding: People who are chronically late fail to estimate how long it will take them to do something or their estimates are way off the mark. I have tried doing examples with such folks and it’s jaw dropping.
        No, it takes a bit longer than 15 minutes to shower, wash and dry your hair and get dressed. Fifteen minutes is not what it takes you.
        “Oh, I will just put together some travel food for my lunch and I will be ready to leave in 20 minutes.” An hour and a half later the person is still not ready. They have answered the phone, checked the mail, wrote a few bills and have a bewildering lack of ability to understand that this has nothing to do with fixing a lunch. On top of that they themselves are confused as to why it’s an hour and a half later and the lunch is only part way assembled.
        I don’t get the disconnect and I don’t get the lack of urgency about fixing this. I can only guess that it is because they have never worked retail and never had the threat of losing their job because of a one time tardiness. But I also sometimes see lack of sleep and lack of nutritious foods as slowing them down and hindering their judgement.

    12. Mela*

      Agree with most of what is said here re not expecting change, adjusting your own expectations etc.

      Another thing that might help. Who is deciding on these times? It may feel like both parties agree, but it may actually be you/your husband deciding on the times and the kids grudgingly agreeing. I can easily see young adults begrudgingly agreeing to a 1pm lunch when they normally sleep in til 1pm, plan on waking up earlier, but then it just doesn’t happen.

      When I lived in the same time zone as my mother, she would invite us over for dinner, ask us what time, and then would sometimes ask about a different time. Sometimes it was no big deal, and I could easily accommodate her. But other times, she wanted us there 2 hours before when it could easily happen. I would explain why it was difficult, and then she would give that pregnant pause, and explain why she wanted her time. So I would sigh, suggest a compromise in the middle, and she would agree, because we’re both adults and I do mostly enjoy visiting my parents. But even then, sometimes I would turn up late, and sometimes wouldn’t get there until the original time I suggested because the entire day was what it was (to be fair, I was apologetic and kept her in the loop, because adult).

      But for someone who thinks they’re doing these compromises for a controlling parent who they’d previously cut out? I can imagine resentment slipping out as bad behavior. Depending on how damaged the relationship is, they might even be framing it as “he’s lucky we’re showing up at all!” It doesn’t really matter if that’s “valid” or not, that’s how they feel. And putting your foot down on this one issue won’t help heal the relationship.

    13. Jax*

      For holidays, I think this is par for the course, and you learn to either serve meals w/out then or build in extra apps for buffer.

      For meeting at a restaurant, next time when you make or confirm plans, remind them that your reservation is at X time so please let them know if you’re going to be late. Allow a 15 minute grace period. People can be late. If they’re not there in 15, order. They get there when they get there. And next time, either don’t invite them or be Ok with only seeing them at the end of your meal. They’ll get the message and if they don’t, then you haven’t lost your dinner.

      It’s rude, but not likely to change so may as well frame it in your mind.

  51. Countess Chocula*

    I have the yard from hell. I live in a suburban mountain neighborhood, so the landscaping tends more toward natural than lawns and such, but in my case nature is taking over to the extent that my house is taking on a mockingbird lane feel, and not in a cool way. I’m sure neighbors are wondering what’s up.

    It is ridiculous, but I’m like paranoid with indecision. I talked with a landscaper and was overwhelmed by talk of retaining and grading and driplines. I’ve looked at a million pictures and still feel lost. I don’t know why I have a mental block on this (well, aside from the mind-boggling cost) but anyway…just venting. Would love to hear anyone with a successful landscaping story.

    1. periwinkle*

      Our wedge-shaped lot has a nice wide backyard that was badly overgrown, with railroad ties as retaining walls and areas we couldn’t even access, and a small triangular front yard full of “decorative” rocks. I finally hired a landscaper to basically clean all that crap away – he replaced the railroad ties with a proper retaining wall, scalped the grassy areas (we’ll re-seed it later), trimmed the trees by cutting away lower branches and dead wood, and generally hauled away a lot of wood and rocks and miscellaneous bits of unwanted nature. He did some very simple additions just so it wouldn’t look too bare in the front, by adding some actually-decorative big rocks and a little foliage, but otherwise our yard is basically trimmed trees/bushes and bark.

      Getting all of that cleared away and down to a basic look is a relief. It’s like having a closet that’s absolutely stuffed with clothes and random items; once you clean the whole thing out, you’ll have a vastly easier time seeing what space is actually available and what you can do with it. Now that our yard is reset to a simple state, we’re able to walk around and figure out what to do next.

      Landscapers aren’t cheap, no, but this crew took 4 days to do something which would take us… well, it would never have gotten done. There was a tractor loader with backhoe involved.

      1. Countess Chocula*

        I think you hit the nail on the head: I need it reset to a simple state so that I can even see what’s going on. In fact, I am going to say those exact words to a landscaper.

        What type of retaining wall did you do?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          This works. When I first moved here we started by taking away stuff. Since money was tight this story is dragged out over years. But we kept pulling stuff away, trees, a concrete pad, a shed, a huge tree stump and so on. Cleared up the clutter.
          This worked out so well for unforeseen reasons. The property has huge drainage issues. We had some drainage put in with some success. More recently, I added more drainage and had more success. I really attribute my current success to starting with the clean slate we made in cleaning up the yard.

          When thinking about landscaping start with “What does my property need?” You may notice water running over the driveway every winter and freezing. So your property needs to have the water rerouted somehow so that your driveway is not a skating rink. Thinking about needs first will save you money in the long run. Going back to the driveway example, you don’t want to put in an expensive long pretty bed of plants only to find it has to be torn out to repair the skating rink problem.

        2. periwinkle*

          Really basic and generic! If you search the Lowes website, they’re called “Basic Gray Retaining Wall Block” and are 6″x16″. Our wall is mostly 3 bricks high. They’re neutral enough to fit into whatever design we come up with, nice enough if we never actually get around to doing anything fancier, and cheap enough that we can rip it out later on without regret.

    2. M is for Mulder*

      We are struggling as well, because we have steep slopes on two sides of our property that are turning out to be way too dangerous to mow as grass and too labor-intensive to turn into something else. I’ve researched ground cover options, but it all needs time to grow in and take hold, and we get so much rain that we’d have massive erosion in the meantime. It seems unsolveable.

      I agree with periwinkle that you need a blank slate to start with, so I’d suggest having professionals clean up, and then take some time to catch your breath.

    3. Bryce*

      I’m not lucky enough to have a yard, but my parents and I work on a “controlled wild” aesthetic for their place. It’s mostly about finding local plants (don’t want invasives) that can take care of themselves, ideally through picking things that are already there to keep while you remove the problem stuff. This can be incredibly cathartic. It can take a lot of work at first, but once you get things the way you want them it’s mostly a matter of cutting off seedheads for long grasses so they don’t spread, cutting things back for the winter as needed, and watching for weeds.

  52. How to Talk to a Friend*

    Over the past few years I have made only one friend while being an adult after being friendless for a long time. I met my friend in my workplace. She works in the a different department as me, but works in the same department as my siblings. On the little occasions when we met, such as in employee luncheons, I usually stick to conversations on topics such as “where are you going on your vacation.”

    However, I longed for the days back in grade-school when I can talk to my friends about things that I would not consider talking to my family about, such as my personal struggles. I am not too close with my family, so I usually kept to myself when I am around them.

    I wonder if I can still have that with my adult friendships where I can talk about things such as “how I am not too happy at work” or “why I am not close with my family.” My friend is now scheduling more lunches together when it is only me and her. I wonder if I can have more deeper conversations so I can gain new perspectives. But I also worry would it be awkward for my friend considering that she works with my siblings and they are also nice to each other. Or will these conversations have potential to leak out to my siblings.

    1. Helpful*

      I would try with small things and see how trustworthy she is. Things build over time. You can also ask, specifically, for her to keep your confidence.

    2. fposte*

      I like Helpful’s idea of gradual intimacy. That’s what most people are more comfortable with anyway.

      I also think it’s important that intimacy involve good things and not just bad things; friends want to share in the joys *and* sorrows, and if that doesn’t happen, an unhealthy dynamic can develop where you get locked into a role as the confessor of struggles and it’s hard to find friendship ground where you’re strong and happy.

      It should also involve your interest in the other person’s life, so just as you can start with sharing small things of your own that are more intimate you can start gradually displaying a deeper interest in her life beyond merely where she goes on vacation. What kind of vacations does she like best? Does she have good family vacation memories from childhood? What do you think about vacations in return?

    3. Artemesia*

      I would not discuss work issues or family issues with a co-worker who also knows and works with your sibling. Time to keep working on finding a new friend. I moved to a new city on retirement where I know no one except my daughter. Now 5 years later I have many friends including a couple of girlfriends with whom I could have those kinds of discussions. I was very intentional about meet up groups, initiating follow up lunch or dinner with people I met whom I found interesting and over these years have built up couple’s friends and individual friends. Hope you find someone.

    4. Julia*

      Reading posts like yours makes me wish we could exchange contact information here and all be remote friends.

  53. Red Wedding*

    I want to wear a non traditional wedding dress (red, lace, tea length), but am wondering how you avoid guests turning up in similar dresses? I don’t want to say ‘oi, don’t wear red’, but obviously people know not to wear white..!

    1. Rainy*

      I think probably just note in the place on the invite where you’d note dress code if it were casual or black tie that you request guests not wear red?

      I’m getting married next year and considered a non-trad colour choice for my gown, and this didn’t even occur to me at the time so it’s good you’ve thought of it. (I ended up with a very traditional wedding dress, I’m not sure how. Apparently I DID want to look like a princess? Huh. Who knew.)

    2. Christy*

      As someone who wore a short white dress and whose wife wore a short blue dress, everyone’s gonna know you’re the bride. Even if someone else is in the exact same dress. We had an attendee wear a long dress with blue and white and there was still no confusion.

      And honestly, red tea length lace doesn’t particularly common. If it were knee length and navy or black you might have something to worry about but you will be totally fine.

      1. Anoa*

        Yes, this. People are there to see you- they’ll know you’re the bride regardless of what others wear. I know it can be stressful thinking about these things preparing for a wedding though. If you’re reading concerned, you can make a note on the website or invite asking that ppl not wear red, as that will be the bride’s color.

    5. the gold digger*

      I wore a red and white sleeveless dress (that I still wear because My People Do Not Waste). We had immediate family only. Primo’s mother asked what she should wear. I told Primo to tell her it was a wedding. In a church.

      She dressed as if she were attending a funeral in the dead of winter.

      Primo had to tell his dad that we preferred that Sly wear shoes that covered his feet, not his usual Birkenstocks.

  54. Nervous Accountant*

    I’m a bit blue… a friend had a baby shower last weekend and I wasnt’ invited. It was not a super small casual private event. This is the first time she’s not invited me to her event, I’ve been to others (baby shower, bridal shower, birthday parties, friendsgiving, etc). A mutual friend was surprised I wasn’t invited. Normally I’d move on quickly but idk,a tiny part of me is wondering if she excluded me bc she knows I’ve had miscarriages and am struggling with my health. There’s like 2 possibilities—-

    -Maybe she thought she was being nice by not inviting me? Idk.I know everyone handles TTC/loss differently but for me being isolated and left out is way more painful. And I’ve been vocal about that before or at least I thought I was.

    -more worse thought…..that I’d get jealous or give her the evil eye? This is the scenario that I can’t stop focusing on, that someone could think I’m like that, capable of that, or I come off like that.

    Either way my mind can’t stop focusing on that, and it’s not something I should even ask the mutual person about.

    1. Rainy*

      With stuff like this I think it’s usually just an awkward attempt not to cause more pain–I think it’s way more likely that she didn’t want to hurt your feelings or seem like she was rubbing something in your face than that she thought you were going to turn into a party-ruining monster at the sight of a diaper full of microwaved m&ms.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I suspect she thought inviting you would be tactless. Not that she expected jealousy. I hope you can say something to her.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I wish I could, but it’s easier for me to just chalk it up to good intentions gone wrong than to say something and look even worse. We weren’t super close, but still on good terms–I’ve been invited to everything and I’ve attended all but 2 things, so I don’t know why this happened. She’s gotten super busy over the last few years (married,kids, work) so I don’t bother her too much w requests to hang out or random texts.

    3. Courtney*

      Is there a third possibility where your invitation got lost in the mail? I know it’s not super common, but it does happen, and if it did I’d imagine she wouldn’t want to press you for an RSVP considering your personal struggles. I’m sorry.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Nah they were e cited and I check my email and spam folder constantly. And there’s always a reminder as well which I wouldn’t have received.

      1. nonegiven*

        Depending how you feel about her, now.
        Send a small gift, write in the card that you’re sorry you missed the shower, your invitation must have been lost in the mail.
        Cut her off forever.

        1. Nervous Accountant*

          Haaaa I wish! I don’t have the gall to do that, I’d be too scared of turning in to a social pariah. Though, a tiny part of me feels like being a petty af person but its taking a lot to just let it go.

    6. J*

      Otherwise well-adjusted people can get awkward over child loss, and back away to an extreme position to either protect their feelings or yours. Assuming she is a good friend, find a way to reach out to let her know you heart is big enough to sustain your own hurt and her happiness at the same time.

  55. still anon*

    Do you think dating apps suggest that men should write that they like when women smile and laugh at their jokes? Because 8 out of 10 profiles I see on several apps have men who say they like women who smile and laugh at their jokes and it enrages me to no end.

    Stop telling women to do these things. No one appreciates it. Do men even realize how it makes them come off because I immediately pass any man who has that in their profile, no matter how much we might have in common otherwise.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Women should be under no obligation to smile or laugh for men. But, yeah, you definitely should demand someone laugh at your jokes. Maybe tell better jokes instead of asking people to fake it for your ego? Yikes!

    3. Rainy*

      No, I think the majority of men on dating apps are just garbage. Speaking as someone who spent 5 years dating mostly via dating app!

    4. Lily Evans*

      It’s so annoying! I always wonder what rock they live under because I’ve seen so many pieces online about how much women hate things like that. It makes me realize just how different the media people chose to consume is. It’s just so insecure at best and controlling at worst to have that in a dating profile.

      2. still anon*

        Maybe if they didn’t demand women do things to indulge their ego, women wouldn’t be so annoyed.

        I’ll laugh if I find a joke funny and smile if I feel like it, but it’s rude for men to demand that I fake it for the sake of their ego and masculinity.

        1. Hmmm*

          Demanding and liking are different things. I actually agree it’s eyeroll-inducing, but it’s not, in fact, demanding.

          2. LCL*

            I haven’t used any of these apps, because I haven’t been single since they existed. Stating that as a like sounds innocuous to me. What used to grind my gears, back in the days of written ads in the press, were the men who were looking for someone HWP.

      1. Mela*

        +1 Appreciate that you can pass on them at this stage, instead of wasting your energy actually dating them!

    7. Mephyle*

      If you read it as an awkward way to say “I like a woman who gets my sense of humour,” it makes more sense. After all, none of us would like a partner who doesn’t find our attempts at humour to be funny.

      1. still anon*

        Asking someone to laugh at their jokes is in the same league as telling people you’re a nice guy. I consider it a red flag that it’s a man who wants the perfect Hollywood ideal of a woman.

        There’s a big difference between saying “I want someone who has the same sense of humor as me” and saying “I want women to laugh at my jokes”.

        1. Hmm*

          I’m not going to defend putting it on a profile because I think it sounds dumb. But I think you’re reading misogyny and demands where they don’t seem to exist. For example, “I like women who smile and laugh at my jokes” could mean “I like positive women with a sense of humor.” You seem to be reading it as equivalent to a “Smile, girl!” on the street. Youre painting the intention in the worst possible light and reading ill intention into it, which seems unfair. But it appears to be an effective screening mechanism since even making a comment like this this seems to be a deal breaker for you.

          1. Yeah*

            Totally agree with everything you said. In my experience, men want a woman that is easy to be with and that often means she’s funny and easy going. Reading more into it doesn’t do anyone any favors.

            The original poster sounds as if she has a chip on her shoulder, and that kind of attitude will drive a man away.

            1. Yeah*

              Just to clarify the chip on shoulder thing: it just appears that reading ill intention into things on a dating site, where everyone is awkward and trying to put their best foot forward is unfair and can paint you in a bad light.

              Although, you are allowed to have deal breakers!

            2. Julia*

              We all like people that are easy to be with, but that doesn’t mean we can just demand that they smile along with everything we do. Otherwise you might as well date a blow-up doll.

            3. still anon*

              Considering how many times I’ve had men, in person, get angry when I don’t smile or laugh at their jokes, I’m going to keep looking at it as a red flag. Especially since there’s a long history of men getting angry at women who don’t smile or laugh at their jokes.

              The wording of “I want a woman who smiles and laughs at my jokes” comes off as demanding. I have no issue with profiles that say “share a similar humor” or “has a sense of humor”. The latter is saying they’re interested in women with certain personality traits, the former is demanding women act a certain way.

          2. Ann O.*

            There’s no reciprocity in that statement, which is part of what makes it offputting in a dating site. The man isn’t saying he likes a woman with whom he can laugh and joke together. He’s saying he likes to make the joke and have her appreciate it. It’s pretty different from “I like positive women with a sense of humor” because a positive woman with a sense of humor can also be telling the jokes.

            It also tells a woman nothing useful about the man.

    8. NaoNao*

      Ugh i hear you. I could write a book about the rage inducing things I’ve seen on online dating profiles.
      I think what might be happening is that men are seeing the same top % of attractive female profiles and something in them is causing them to modify their profiles. For example, if Hottie McCutie, 21, is writing “I’m the girl that will make you feel like you’re the funniest guy alive!” or something, men are like “that’s hawt. Want that.” and then writing that teeth grindingly annoying line.
      I used to see “No hookups! Don’t ask!” and I came to the conclusion it was in response to the majority of women’s profiles saying “I don’t do hookups” OR “Just here for some fun!” or women immediately asking on the first message “So what are you looking for?”.
      For some reason (I can guess, but I’ll stay away from hot topics here) a lot of men seem to be under the impression that women are plagued by serious, intense thoughts, are too focused on their careers, are too demanding, etc etc. So they’re asking for a light hearted, easy going, none too ambitious woman.

      In my experience, men want to provide something for women, not always money. They want to make her feel something out of the ordinary and be the one to give it to her (hence pick up artists theory of “show your value”). Jokes and being funny is the easy way to provide “value” and men are saying, in short “please value me”.

      My 0-60 rage meter would go off at “Ask me anything else you want to know” Um, no. I’m not doing the work you refuse to do SIR!!

      1. Bryce*

        My 0-60 rage meter would go off at “Ask me anything else you want to know” Um, no. I’m not doing the work you refuse to do SIR!!

        I’d read that as “just because I didn’t put something on here doesn’t mean I don’t wanna talk about it” but I suppose that depends on what exactly is being left off.

        1. Mela*

          I can see why men read it that way. But the reality is that as a woman, I already have the right to ask you about anything, whether or not it’s on your profile. If it’s important to me, I’ll ask. I don’t need permission. Obviously, I might not get an answer, but then that right there *is* the answer.

          If there’s something big left off, then it’s only hurting them because unless a profile strikes me in some way, I’m not writing messages asking someone to complete their profile, which is what NaoNao is referencing.

          And @NaoNao, I think part of the reason men seem to be under the “impression that women are plagued by serious, intense thoughts, are too focused on their careers” is because that’s often a line women use when breaking things off. “I need to focus on my career right now,” when what they really mean is “The connection between us isn’t strong enough for me to de-prioritize my career right now, even a tiny bit.” Still a shitty line for a dating profile though.

          1. still anon*

            Yeah, I read the “ask me whatever you want” as putting the emotional labor on me and freeing themselves of the burden. I immediately pass on the profiles that have nothing written in them or only have “just ask!”

        2. NaoNao*

          Oh, *everything* is usually left off.
          Typical profile:
          Name, age, location
          “I’m pretty laid back and easy going. I like going out and staying in. Lookin’ for that special someone. Just living life. Ask me anything else you want to know!”
          Honestly, that’s really not much of an exaggeration!

      2. still anon*

        I’ve seen such an uptick in profiles asking for “easy-going women who aren’t too serious” which is eye-roll inducing for so many reasons.

        I’m 100% positive women have the similar annoying things in their profiles that infuriate men, but the sense I get from a good deal of male profiles is that they’re looking for that Hollywood ideal they’re sold in movies and that’s really off-putting,

  56. Thursday Next*

    I’m looking for TV show or movie recommendations. I have Netflix and Hulu but my library has a decent collection on TV shows and movies on DVD. I like murder mysteries/procedurals, some historical fiction, some comedy and sci-fi/fantasy.
    Shows I liked: Broadchurch season 1, Top of the Lake season 1, Hotel Beau Sejour, The Bridge (original Swedish version), The Handmaids Tale, The Returned (the original French version, one of the best endings I’ve seen) Fargo (TV series and movie), The Expanse, Jessica Jones (and the rest of the Netflix Marvel shows) and Glitch. I also like good parody comedy like Airplane, Naked Gun and Mel Brooks movies.
    I did NOT like: The Fall, Dark Matter (started out good then fizzled out).

    TIA!

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I’d recommend Borgia, The Killing, Dragon Tattoo Trilogy: Extended Edition (very different from just the regular films—feels more complete and like a mini-series), Dexter (everything except the last season), and Black Mirror.

    2. caledonia*

      The Good Place (comedy)
      Borgen (a Danish political drama)
      Trapped (Icelandic noir)
      River (heartbreaking but very, very good)
      Unforgotten (UK set crime drama, focuses on cold cases – 1 case per series. One of the best things to come out of UK tv)

      2. Thursday Next*

        Thanks, I’ll try Borgen. I have seen Trapped, which I liked. Have you seen Fortitude? Another arctic circle mystery, but with a bit of sci-fi.

    4. CatCat*

      For mysteries/procedurals, I really liked “Wire in the Blood.”

      For historical fiction, “Black Sails,” which mixes historical and literary fictional pirates.

      For comedy, if you like mockumentaries, I just watched a really funny one last night called “What We Do in the Shadows,” that is about the mundane problems of some vampire flatmates.

    5. Lily Evans*

      Eyewitness was really good and it looks like the full season is available on the USA Network website (though I couldn’t check if it needs a sign in).

    6. JKP*

      I’ve been watching The Five on Netflix, and that’s really good. It’s sort of a UK police show. Basically the premise from the first episode is that a kid is missing and presumed dead, but 20 years later his DNA shows up at the scene of a murder investigation.

      1. Thursday Next*

        So I started watching that, but I couldn’t get into it. [A COUPLE OF EARLY SPOILERS] I thought it was a little too silly how the non-detective characters were basically investigating the disappearance of the girl who showed up and the end of the first episode and they called her parents before actually calling the police to investigate.
        BUT, it’s a good premise. Does the plot hold up in the end?

        1. JKP*

          Yes, I just finished the last episode today, and I think the plot holds up in the end. I think the non-detective characters get involved because the one runs a mission for young runaways who are understandably wary of the actual police.

          1. JKP*

            Also, one of the non-detective characters is a private investigator, so obviously does some investigating himself before involving police.

    7. Ruth Zardo is F.I.N.E.*

      Have you seen Happy Valley? I love, love, love Happy Valley. Two seasons on Netflix.

      1. NowAGrandma*

        Yes, I liked all the ones OP did and the rather unfortunately-named Happy Valley was one of the bestest! Love the lead policewoman, she is fantastic.

    8. Isobel*

      Another recommendation here for Unforgotten. Also Spiral (Engrenages) – French crime drama, there have been several series now.

    9. ValaMalDoran*

      The Miss Fisher Murder Mysteries
      The Doctor Blake Mysteries
      The Librarians (there are three movies that come before the show, the first is The Librarian: Quest for the Spear)
      Agatha Raisin

    10. LNLN*

      On Netfix: River, Detectorists, Schitt’s Creek, Happy Valley, The Crown, Call the Midwife. On Hulu: Miranda.

    11. Sam Carter*

      I primarily watch sci-fi/fantasy. These are of varying genres, but check out The Strain, 12 Monkeys, The Mist, Wynonna Earp, Timeless, Travelers, Cable Girls. All are highly bingeable!

  57. buttercup*

    Help! I am a female-bodied person who has been tasked with coming up with a date idea. (I’ve always been used to guys planning them.) I’m a huge conversationalist, so I always like the idea of getting coffee, but that can be basic/boring to a lot of people. Any chill non-coffee date idea suggestions? This is a relatively new guy so we are still in the process of getting to know one another. Thanks!

    1. anon24*

      I’m a huge fan of walking/hiking because you get to talk and look at scenery, but I’m a pretty boring person so that’s kind of the only things I do for fun anyway :)

    2. Rainy*

      I like museum dates a lot–always a lot to talk about and then you can have coffee at the museum cafe.

    5. Temperance*

      Do you have a board game cafe in your area? That could be really fun, and not so much pressure on conversation.

    6. Anoa*

      I planned a date once with a yummy simple picnic (hummus, strawberries, baguette, cheese, cured meat, beer, that sort of thing), followed by a hike/walk through a local park. Fun, and good for talking. I planned another with ice skating & dinner, which was less successful.

    7. SL #2*

      I like dates that involve a semi-planned activity of some sort; going to a museum or the zoo or somewhere where there’s things to talk about so you don’t have to do the mental gymnastics of finding something to talk about, but also gives you the freedom to have side conversations once you get comfortable with each other.

    8. Bryce*

      I’ll add minigolf or bowling (or similar low-intensity sports with downtime) to the list of conversation-enabling ideas, but that depends on what’s in your area. If the only minigolf place around is blacklights, echoing noise and loud music, it’s not a good pick for that.

    9. The IT Manager*

      Walking around a park or body of water.

      Mini golf, bowling or something similar.

      Museum.

      I feel the big thing for getting to know you dates is quiet enough to talk but also something you’re doing to talk about if conversation drags.

    10. Nothemomma*

      Go Geocashing or look for all the historical landmarks in a defined area; plenty of time for conversation while also having a distraction where new topics can organically arise.

    11. HannahS*

      Go for a nature walk and then get a snack (coffee/pastries/ice cream). Go to a museum or gallery. Walk in an interesting neighbourhood.

  58. Ramona Flowers*

    What is with people who think pet health insurance isn’t financially worth it? Is it some kind of cognitive distortion or what? I don’t mean people with a pet who are down on their luck – I mean people who believe it just isn’t worth it.

    A number of people have told me they don’t bother paying for it because they save the money they would have spent on premiums or they have a couple of grand in the bank. That works with mobile phone insurance (which adds up to the price of your phone over time so I don’t bother having it) but not pet insurance. We pay around £160 a year which covers us for about £7,000 of vet treatment after a premium (aka deductible, I think?) of £75. £7k may sound like a lot but it only takes one road accident or serious illness.

    I just don’t get why you wouldn’t want that peace of mind.

    1. Helpful*

      Well, the pet insurance companies make money on the deal, so I think the math bears out that the house always wins. That’s the way it is with insurance. So these people are self-insuring against the chance of an accident or disease. And not to seem heartless, but some people simply won’t spend thousands on a pet’s chemo or whatever, and would allow the pet to pass peacefully instead.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. My last dog was 14 when he passed. I used my savings to pay for help for him. There is a point at which we are no longer prolonging life but rather we are prolonging death. I decided to let him tell me where things were at. One morning he could no longer move about, after moving around pretty well all week. And I knew. I called a friend, we put him on a makeshift gurney and brought him to the vet. The vet walked in and immediately said, “This is not the dog you have been showing me right along.” The vet could see it, too.

        My dog may not have had insurance, but he had foods that matched his physical needs, he had massages, chiropractic and so on. The doc shook his head. “Your dog has more physical care than a lot of people.” yep. Lack of insurance does not mean lack of care, necessarily.

    2. EddieSherbert*

      I had pet insurance because my cat gets bad anxiety and occasionally needs prescription meds… the insurance didn’t cover that or anything else that cropped up with him during the time I had it.

      No prescription meds, no fecal tests, no help when he ingested something he shouldn’t have and needed a catscan…

      It just didn’t seem worthwhile for us because it didn’t cover the stuff we’ve run into with our critters.

    3. fposte*

      The system in the UK might be quite different, but in the US, it generally *isn’t* worth it; the average cost of covered vet care in a pet’s lifetime is almost always less than the total premiums; in addition, there are “wellness plans” tied to particular vetmed corporations that get a bit…rackety.

      There’s also the fact that quality of life for an animal is very different, and that the end-of-life prolongations that make human medicine so expensive in the U.S. are dubious enough with humans; I sure wouldn’t inflict them on an animal.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        The irony has bothered me for a while. We put our animals to sleep but we make our humans march onward. It’s lucrative.
        I don’t know what the answers are, but I think they start at the individual level. I know for myself there are treatments that I will not be doing. The more I mention this, the more I find that other people are thinking the same way. My uncle had brain cancer. He saw the treatment plan his son had and he decided, “Nope. My time here is done. Let me go.”

        1. fposte*

          The money probably plays a role in the U.S., but the not letting go thing happens even in countries where it’s not incentivized. I think on both sides of the doctor-patient divide we’ve gotten it into our heads that inaction is a disservice where action is possible, and the question arises at a time when we don’t have much energy for swimming against the tide.

          But yeah, now and then you get somebody all indignant about animal euthanasia who asks if you’d want that if you were sick and old, and my answer is always yes, please.

          1. Merci Dee*

            My parents and I have talked extensively about this exact thing. I have medical PoA for them, and they have it for me. We’ve also done some planning with medical directives, but talked about what we want to make sure everything is clear. If there’s a significant chance we could recover, then fight as hard as you have to for appropriate care. But if it comes to the point of caring for an empty shell that will never live off machines, then let me go. At that point, you’re holding on for your sake and not for mine.

        2. Anonymous Educator*

          The irony has bothered me for a while. We put our animals to sleep but we make our humans march onward.

          This may be a bit controversial, but I’d like to be put to sleep, too, just like pets are. If I have some horrible incurable cancer, I’d rather live fewer days happily than more days drawing out the suffering with many hospital visits and expensive treatment.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I am leaning that way with the more stories I hear. A friend needed a med that was 400k per year. Then she needed a helper med to go with it. That was 30k per year. Insurance would not cover either one. Additionally, she could not work due to illness and her husband could not work due to taking care of her.
            This is not living, this is hell. Any hope of recovery or partial recovery is shattered due to all consuming worries about finances. I will never think of this as “help” and it’s not anything near the quality of life I want. I am not willing to pay for this for myself.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            I want those centers like in Soylent Green where you can go when you decide it’s all good and you’ve had enough. The closest I can think of IRL is Dignitas in Switzerland, but you have to be terminal, obviously, and it’s rather expensive.

            1. Anonymous Educator*

              I don’t want anyone to eat me, though, and then scream “Soylent Green… is… people!”

          3. Sylvan*

            Very controversial and complicated, but. I am not sure how I feel about it for myself. I lost two relatives to suicide; physician-assisted suicide or euthanasia is illegal here. They were faced with the choice between suicide and the misery that their terminal illnesses promised. None of us fully understood until after their deaths. I hope that end-of-life healthcare can improve to a point where nobody’s last days are like this.

          4. Epiphyta*

            Yep, yep, yep. I live in a state with a “Death With Dignity” Act, I have a medical power of attorney assigned and a very granular advanced directives statement on file with my doctor (she gave me the forms and confirmed that in the event of a terminal illness, she would be willing to certify it, refer me to a secondary provider and write the prescription). I have watched too many friends and family members linger in pain when there was no chance of improvement: even if I don’t take it – and according to the Oregon Health Department’s records, about half the people who fill the prescription never use it – just having the option may make it easier.

    4. CatCat*

      I didn’t know much about it until recently, but I’d get it in the future. We drained our emergency fund when our cat got cancer and it made me really nervous because what if one of us humans had an emergency around the same time? I’d rather have the premiums as part of the cost of a pet than having to make that decision again.

    5. Red Reader*

      Because every time I’ve researched pet insurance (in the US), that’s been the outcome — they tend to have pretty significant exclusions, high deductibles, and for my 3 year old mixed breed dog, the premiums for anything that doesn’t have major exclusions start at $65/month. Which is literally three times more than I pay for my own health insurance. So to me, based on my personal experience, pet health insurance is totally not worthwhile. (Especially since, between the 3 year old dog and the 10 year old dog I’ve had since she was 3, I’ve had to take any of them to the vet for something other than a routine checkup and vaccinations exactly once, and that cost me about $40.)

    6. M is for Mulder*

      Because we had pet insurance, and they found a way to weasel out of every single claim we tried to make. This labwork wasn’t on the list of approved procedures, that issue was caused by a pre-existing condition, it was always something.

      Maybe it’s different in the UK, but my experience in the US is that it’s a scam run by scumbags.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        I couldn’t even get my cats covered, because they had what the pet insurance company considered pre-existing conditions. It’s definitely a racket.

      3. Sam Carter*

        We had pet insurance for our first cat for 2 years and every single claim was denied. Truly every claim. They found some way to link everything to pre-existing conditions. This cat had numerous problems and we paid out of pocket several thousand dollars. We took our second cat to the vet just after adopting him to start a new insurance plan which required a medical exam. During that first visit, it was discovered he had cancer. Guess how those claims turned out? Denied. Any health problem possibly tied to the cancer or related treatment will be denied. That cat did once get a random paw injury that was covered, but they only reimbursed $200, which was so minimal it was almost laughable. Insurance in the US does not exist to keep patients healthy. It exists to grow the insurance companies.

    8. Elkay*

      We don’t have it, we’ve been lucky and never had an animal need lots of meds. I’m probably going to get it soon because my company have just added it to our benefits package so I’ll get it at a discounted rate.

    9. Dan*

      To be blunt, what’s with us is that we’re good at math and understand how these things work. Insurance products are designed for the insurer to make money on average; what this means is that people on average lose money. If a sick pet won’t wipe you out financially, then self insure.

    10. Bagpuss*

      I think it also depends on the kind of pet and your personal financial situation.

      I didn’t have insurance for my old cat. He cost me a lot in his last 2 years, when he developed thyroid problems – it probably worked out at about £700 a year for 2 years. But I had 15 years before that when he didn’t cost anything (other than routine vaccinations, which wouldn’t have been covered anyway). Had I had insurance it would have cost me a lot more than £1,400 over 17 years. And I would still have had to pay the excess.

      I do have insurance for my current cat, but I am considering cancelling and putting the premium into savings instead, I am fortunate to be in a position where I could afford to pay for treatment from savings if I need to.

      On a purely personal basis, there is also the issue of which treatments you want to pursue. It’s hard, but I made choices m=based on what would be least stressful and give most in quality, not length, of life for my cat. Had I put him through surgery and radiotherapy it would have been for me, not for him. You can’t explain to a cat or dog that you are doing scary things to them for their own good.

      I do think also that it depends a lot on the animal – for instance, dogs tend, in general, to be more likely to suffer non-lethal accidents and illnesses than cats*, so it is probably more worth while to insure.
      (*at least cats that are allowed outside)

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Our cat is only five but has cost hundreds in vet bills due to several attacks by other cats.

    11. Tookie Clothespin*

      I’m very mixed on it. We have it for one dog but not the other. We find they don’t pay out a ton for the catastrophic stuff. For example, we were over our yearly layout before Dog1’s serious illness in summer. We aren’t sure whether to even submit the stuff for the latest illness. She has these terrible bouts but then bounces back. We got it for her when she was a puppy (before she came down with all of her issues, so no worries about pre-existing conditions) . We didn’t get it for Dog2 because of our experiences with Dog1. However, it does pay some things. I’d have to do the math before deciding on whether to get it for a future dog.

    12. Nicole*

      I did my research when I got my puppy and insurance isn’t cheap when you look at the cost of premiums year over year (which increases as the animal ages). For the least expensive plan I could find I calculated that over the course of her anticipated lifetime (12-15 years), I would have spent $18,000 (!!!) on premiums alone, not to mention the portion of the cost I would still be required to pay out of pocket. I have money in the bank earning interest that I can use if/when I need it so I’ll take my chances.

      1. KitKat*

        That math doesn’t make sense to me. What insurance did you price that would cost you over $1,000 per year??

    13. Ramona Flowers*

      Thanks all. Very interesting answers. Will still be paying for ours as it’s been worth it.

    14. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Just going to chip in here that in the UK it seems like cats are expected to be out and about and that puts them at greater risk for being hit by a car, attacked by other cats, and other misadventures, which would necessitate pet insurance more than the US. We’ve looked at pet insurance in both places and agreed that US plans were scammy but UK plans seemed a bit more forgiving, although we haven’t done anything about this yet. Both kitties are healthy as can be and are only allowed time out in the secured yard (mostly because I am afraid of the number of other kitties in the neighborhood!)

      We have a friend in the UK whose cat ate a string off a coat which wound around the intenstines and it had to go to the super special pet hospital for emergency surgery and then it stayed there for a few days after. It was something like £4000 in care and that didnt include all the vet visits before and after (the cat was quite barfy before!). They did have insurance which definitely saved them, but the cat was only 2 yrs old and they kept them in at night.

    15. Lo Squared*

      We adopted an adult dachshund (who we believe is purebred, but no papers or the like). I looked into pet insurance for him, but it wouldn’t cover anything that he was at high risk for based on his breed (mostly back stuff, but that was going to be the most expensive issue if it did come up). And had a short list of pre-approved vets and then routine “preventative” care we would have had to pay for in addition to premiums to the tune of several hundred dollars in a year. Didn’t seem worth it.

      Maybe if you have a mixed breed puppy it would have been better?

    16. NaoNao*

      Because at least in the US, pet insurance is woefully under the actual costs of pet care in emergencies. I looked into it, and some of it covers 5-10% (!!!) of costs. Yeah, so not paying $$ every month to get 200$ of 2000$ covered, thanks!

  60. Morning Glory*

    I just had a really weird encounter. I was doing yardwork when a man pulled up, asked if I was the owner, asked if I’d ever consider selling ‘for a great price’, and said he was trying to buy the whole neighborhood. My husband and I are happy at our house (a full acre within driving distance to D.C. in our price range was a gem of a find in 2013) and not necessarily looking to move… but our commutes are pretty rough, and we’re not completely opposed to the idea either if we could get above market value for it.

    We’ve had a realtor contact us proactively about selling once before, but their idea of a ‘great price’ was basically what we paid for the house before the market recovered, and before we put tens of thousands of dollars into improvements. We were so far apart the exchange ended up being a waste of our time and I’d rather not repeat something like that.

    Has anyone ever been approached about selling their house before? Did it work out, not work out? Am I getting completely ahead of myself based on one informal conversation?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      When I have seen this it’s because a company is planning a group of condos or something.
      I would check with your town clerk or county clerk to see if others have mentioned it and if they are aware of anything going on.
      OTH, you could go to a town board meeting and inquire.

    2. SarahB*

      We get approached all the time. Call a couple of real estate agents and get assessments of market value from them. (Do get more than one!) Yeah, you’re way ahead of yourself, and that’s where most people get taken advantage of. If that guy really wants to buy the whole neighborhood, you have plenty of time. He’s not looking to buy at market value and certainly not above it. Talk to your neighbors too and see if they’ve heard from him too.

  61. Luna Lovegood*

    Can anyone recommend any tips for growing healthy cacti/succulents? I acquired my first one when I was about 8, which is still going strong, and my collection has grown ever since. I’m loving the recent cactus/succulent trend and am fast running our of windowsills….

    Does anyone have any growing tips? Has anyone tried growing melembs/living stones before? Mine is dying (I think from over-watering, although I’ve only watered it once…)

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I tried living stones a while ago. They lasted for a bit then I probably did something to them. My thought was the winter drafts coming in the windows were too much for them.

      1. Luna Lovegood*

        From what I’ve read, they need the smallest amount of water you can possibly give them, which always seems counter-intuitive to me. Not sure about temperatures, though.

    3. Mephyle*

      My strategy is that I happen to live near a plant market, so when one of my cacti or other succulents dies, I go buy a new one. I guess that wouldn’t work for most people.

    4. SL #2*

      I’m getting into succulents too. What I’ve found is that easing them into longer/stronger amounts of sunlight over a month or two, and putting them on a very strict watering schedule once I have a feel for how long it takes for them to “dry out” again is key.

      I’m also trying really hard to prevent them from stretching out, though. I had one succulent on a windowsill at work that faces east, and it just started stretching and growing tendrils as it reached for the sunlight. It finally became unsustainable and I had to do some very aggressive pruning in order to get it healthy again…

      1. Luna Lovegood*

        Those sound like great tips, thanks. I think I’ve often made the mistake of just watering them as and when I remember, which might be three times a week or three times a year, neither of which are particularly healthy…

        I always try to remember to rotate mine regularly, although I’ve still ended up with a couple of cacti with curvature of the spine.

  62. Tris Prior*

    Man, I really hate it when I make a fairly innocuous post on Facebook and it ends with two of my friends (who do not know each other) sniping at one another in the comments. Social media sucks.

    It wasn’t even about politics!!

    1. Mimmy*

      I had that happen to me earlier this year. I don’t recall the subject at hand, but it was a little unnerving to see, particularly because I am normally very careful about what I post and comment on.

    2. Natalie*

      For what it’s worth, as the “host” of their conversation I think you have the right to tell them to take it elsewhere.

      1. Tris Prior*

        I ended up deleting the post and apologized to the person who was attacked. I should’ve said something to the attacker, but honestly I was out of mental health spoons by that point so I did not. Mostly I was beating myself up internally for posting something that caused a flamewar, even though I had no idea it would escalate like that.

      2. the gold digger*

        I have had to do that. I have a relative I have never met (I don’t think) who friended me. She is – political. I also have a college friend who thinks he is funny but he comes across in writing as very mean, biting, and sarcastic. I have told both of them to knock it off – that in my space, we are kind.

  63. CanadianUniversityReader*

    So, I know this is a little early but it’s been cold here so I’m in a holiday type of mood. Does anyone have any recommendations for where to buy Christmas/Holiday cards? We’re okay buying online but we do want actual cards not e-cards.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Seconded! As a handmade business owner I always try to support other handmade business owners wherever possible. Craft fairs are great places to snag some too!

      3. Luna Lovegood*

        I’ve taken to making my own – you can get great results with printing. I’ve got a few old Indian wooden printing blocks and sometimes make linocuts, but you can get great results from monoprints (I’ve seen tutorials that use polystyrene tiles and string, cardboard etc.)

  64. M is for Mulder*

    I realized last night that I will probably never be able to drink alcohol again.

    My husband’s night vision has been deteriorating slowly, and it’s gotten to the point that he no longer feels safe. Yesterday he was coming home from visiting a friend out of state. Despite trying to time his drive properly for daylight, a huge accident delayed him enough that he had to pull over and sleep at a truck stop. His eye doctor has said that there’s nothing to be done about it, and it’s mostly due to perception problems caused by his color blindness. His day vision is still fine.

    Because it isn’t feasible for a grown man to never leave the house between dawn and dusk, I will essentially now have to be “on call” for driving duty at all times. I can’t afford to even have a glass of wine with dinner anymore, because I won’t drive with a single drop in my system. I’ve lost friends to drunk drivers, and I’m militant about it.

    I’m not sure how I feel about this. It’s an odd reason to have to avoid alcohol, and I wonder if it will lead to social awkwardness in the future. Just wanted to share my thoughts.

    1. fposte*

      That can feel like a big change, and it can be startling to realize how much your life can be shaped by a limitation on a partner. I don’t drink and don’t get grief for that–we’re not a big wine-with-dinner crowd anyway–so I’d hope it would be the same for you.

      But if you’d like to drink sometimes, it sounds more like you won’t have alcohol out any more if you’re going to be driving–that doesn’t have to be the same thing as never having alcohol again. Even if you’re in an area with no Uber or taxis, that doesn’t mean you can’t have alcohol in your own home, whether it’s with your friends who’ve come over or not, or when you’re on vacation and don’t need to drive; maybe somebody else’s designated driver would be willing to run you home sometimes, too. That doesn’t undo the fundamental “Whoa, that’s a change” of it all, of course; I mention it just in case you were really wistful about the wine.

    2. Temperance*

      Mulder, I’m wondering if Uber might be an option rather than giving up alcohol completely? It would preserve some independence for your husband and give you a break.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      You don’t always have to do his driving. There’s no reason a grown man can’t take an Uber or call another friend for a ride. Is he going to be abstaining for the rest of his life as well?

    4. Bagpuss*

      You don’t have to give up alcohol. You and he can decide that you are going to budget for taxis (or motels, if that’s more economical) for (some) social events.

      Why would you need to be constantly ‘on call’?
      Genuine emergencies tend to be few and far between, and you can have an emergency taxi fund for anything that is truly urgent (also, asking friends or neighbours for help works if there is a real, life-or-death issue)

      For other things, work out options with your husband. These may include him using public transport when it is available, planning ahead proactively so he doesn’t rely on you being ‘on call’, and putting money aside for taxis etc.

      Obviously if you prefer to give up alcohol that’s a perfectly valid choice, but it isn’t your only choice. I live alone, and I live in a rural area with no public transport at all, so I I want to go out, I either plan on not drinking or I plan for not driving. It’s not an uncommon thing to have to work round. And if I am staying in, and I want to have a drink, I have a drink. That means I won’t then be driving anywhere, because that is not a risk I am prepared to take for anyone, so if someone wants me to drive them, they’ll be out of luck.

      In your case, it will involve you working with your husband so that he doesn’t automatically assume that you will always be available at short notice to drive him places, and so that if necessary, you work out togther what the other options are.

      So far as social awkwardness is concerned I think it depends on your social circle.
      I’ve always found that ‘no thanks, I’m driving’ is all that’s needed.(actually, a cheerful request for a soft drink is generally fine.)
      If you are worried about people noticing or commenting on your alcohol-free choices the you can also drink mocktails or alcohol free beer, so it’s less noticeable to others that you are not drinking. (and if people you regularly socialise with are the kind ho would give you a hard time for not drinking when you’re going to drive, then that’s a whole other issue!)

      1. M is for Mulder*

        I got off track and was a bit vague, but we do have constant emergencies due to an ill parent. But I appreciate your thoughts.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Caring for ill parents is tough. Just a general observation, my husband and I were fine with night driving and we found that there were not enough hours in the day to tend to our parents’ needs. We had to bring in other people. Sadly, this situation can change and it may look differently to you in a bit.
          On all aspects of this, I am sorry. I wish you guys the best.

    1. Courtney*

      Best: Got e-mail a pin code (basically a discount code) for Disney that is good for the vacation we already booked! Called to apply it and are saving hundreds! Finances are tight for this trip, so that was huge. Also, we got
      our Star Wars tickets when they went on sale this week!

      Worst: I’ve had zero appetite since starting on Zoloft last month and my amount of calories consumed has gone way down…yet I’ve gained weight. Sigh. Over the summer I had a good exercise routine going and was determined to lose 50 pounds, but it’s really tough to fit into my schedule right now.

    2. Mimmy*

      Best: Had a wonderful dinner on Sunday night with my parents and sister. Also with us was my niece and her best friend, plus and friends mom. Also, my sister gave me a good kick in the rear about my career indecisiveness.

      Worst: See post up-thread about our less-than-awesome contractor.

    4. Elkay*

      Best: Got through to my insurers and I can go and see the consultant for my joint issues.
      Worst: Reacted to another nut so I have to go and see my GP and see if they’ll test me for allergies.

    5. D.W.*

      Best: I am vegan, and an avid home cook, and I started writing down all of my recipes. I finally nailed Jamaican Patties, “beef” and “vegetable” and they are AMAZING!!! I mean, the crust is just ridiculously good and the filling packs a punch of flavor and heat. Super stoked. I’m making some more Sunday to share with my neighbors.

      Worst: The week was emotionally draining. Just really draining.

    6. LizB*

      Best: We invited some friends over on fairly short notice last night, and I pulled together a dinner I’m super proud of mostly from ingredients I already had in the house. Balsamic roasted pecans for a pre-dinner snack, then chicken sausages with roasted mushrooms and brussels sprouts and cheesy polenta, plus brownies for dessert. It felt like a real “grown up” meal with multiple dishes/courses, everything had the right amount of seasoning, it was even reasonably healthy. Adulting!

      Worst: This past week not one, not two, but THREE different people I know have gotten engaged. I am legitimately happy for them but also stupidly jealous. I never wanted to be this person who’s tearing her hair out waiting to be proposed to but somehow that’s where I’ve ended up. Not sure what to do about it.

      1. Ruffingit*

        Have you talked to your significant other about marriage? There’s no reason you have to wait for a proposal. Are you two on the same page about wanting to get married? If so, maybe a discussion is in order for a timeline. I know a lot of people think that’s not romantic, but then waiting and being disappointed isn’t either.

        1. LizB*

          We’ve talked and I’ve been very clear that I would like to get married, and sooner rather than later. He’s thinking positively about it but still isn’t sure he’s ready (plus had a loss of a close family member not long ago, which understandably threw him for a loop). I’m worried that if I ask for a timeline or propose myself, he’ll go along with it because I’m asking, not because he wants to — he likes to make me happy, but isn’t always good at considering his own needs first.

    7. Fake old Converse shoes*

      Best:
      – Got a copy of Pianists Street, a documentary film I saw long ago at a local cinema and that wasn’t available on DVD where I live until recently (the owner was surprised because he assumed I was buying it for someone else).
      – Bought a nice pair of military green jeans on the first attempt. As a short person, buying tight fitting clothes like jeans usually involves thorough research, time and patentice, so this was a huge personal success.

      Worst:
      – My Dad made once again some tasteless remarks of my appearance (“Why can’t you be a bit more normal and wear makeup?” “Boys won’t like you unless you wear makeup!”).
      – Someone yelled racial slurs to me on the train, but I didn’t notice until someone asked me why I didn’t answer back. Guess that person was the kind who thinks I’m a janitor, maid or secretary at best. For some reason that escapes me, it happens more often now.

      1. SL #2*

        I have a feeling I know why racial attacks are more common now, but that’ll push this thread into politics territory. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve had racial slurs yelled at me on the street and on the train before, both times by another person of color (of a different race), which is more jarring. I… kinda expect it from white people. I don’t expect it from another POC.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Boys won’t like you if you don’t wear make up?
        Who put him in charge of speaking for all men?
        My husband used to say one of the things he liked about me was I used little to no makeup.
        I still don’t. There are lots of guys out there who don’t care either way.

        1. Ruffingit*

          My husband is the same. I hardly ever wear makeup and he likes it that way. I just can’t be bothered.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        FWIW, you got us, you’re part of an Us right here. I am sure there are more than a few of us here that look for you and send good vibes, even if we don’t say it too often.

    9. SL #2*

      Best: The cat cafe I went to was pure magic (talked about it a bit more upthread if anyone wants to search my posting name)

      Worst: A coworker’s family was heavily impacted by the Northern California fires. We’re a small, tight-knit team, so it’s been very somber at work this week. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, let alone someone I consider a friend.

    10. LCL*

      Best-doggie is feeling better and eating.
      Worst-According to doctor google I have symptoms of another weird autoimmune condition, that is causing the lumps in my left palm and limiting the mobility of the fingers. I will call my real world physician tomorrow.

    11. Nicole*

      Best – Took my iPhone 6 into Batteries Plus last night and paid $60 to get a new battery installed. Now I’m no longer losing 25% battery life in the span of five minutes of use. I should be able to hold off getting a new phone for another year since the failing battery was the biggest issue with my phone.

      Worst – Despite our best efforts, I’ve caught my husband’s cold. Ugh! I just want to sleep.

    12. Jules the First*

      Best: my social life this week…I went riding and had a good ride and a good chat, I went to rehearsal and had fun (it turns out 15 years is the appropriate interval between performances of Dvorak’s cello concerto…I’ve hated it for a long time but this week was fun!) and some good conversations, I went for my monthly pedicure and had a lot of fun chatting to my technician

      Worst: work this week was rough, mostly because I screwed up a bunch of stuff last week when I had a migraine and stupidly decided to push through it. Silver lining though was that someone tried to do an end run around me after we had a fairly ugly conference call and the colleague they went to (who I thought did not like me at all) took my side and told them to knock it off and trust me, which was kind of awesome to hear.

    13. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Best: 5 months nmom-free. Plus my body rid itself of stress hormones and I feel so much better.

      Worst: The Wedding planner we had in mind hasn’t responded to SO’s email for a week so I have to restart the search process :S #1stworldproblems

      Weird: I’ve been gradually shifting to eating a bit of meat 2x/week, bc the lack of meat was making me anemic. I feel like I failed at pescetarianism…

    14. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Got some things done this weekend that I’ve been wanting to get done.

      WORST: Had horrific pain from costochondritis last night. So, so painful. ARGH.

    15. Trixie*

      Best: Paid off credit card and officially debt free. Second weekend of yoga teacher training exhausting but went well.
      Worst: $$$ Parking ticket. My own fault but moving funds thrown down the drain. Last time that happens!

  66. Mazzy*

    Home owner questions – I eventually want to move further out, and I don’t understand how non-urban houses work.

    First, I don’t get how you can have a well and a cesspool anywhere in the same vicinity, but apparently they are because I’ve known people who’ve had them on properties that were around an acre in size. How does that work? Doesn’t the water from the sewage get into the drinking water somehow?

    Also, what exactly is a well, when someone says they have well water? It is like a separate structure? Is it just a pump? If that’s it, where is the water stored? I’ve always had city water. If the water is stored in some sort of tank, does that tank need to be cleaned and replaced? And if you’re in a dry area, does the well ever run dry?

    1. Kage*

      Sewage – you have a septic tank. This is literally as it sounds, a solid, enclosed tank where all the sewage goes. Regular ground water does not permeate it. Eventually you’ll have to pay for a company to come in and pump out the septic tank when it’s full. My parents typically do theirs every 3 years (but I don’t know if they have to do it that often or they just are more scheduled for it).

      Water – A well is basically a deeply drilled pipe/pump until you reach a natural water source. Depth will depend on your area. All you see above ground is just a well head. Now the natural aquifer/water source could dry up and you’ll need another one drilled. That is really location-specific (depends not just on how dry your surroundings are but also how easily that aquifer is replenished and how many other people also have wells into it/are depleting it). My parents haven’t had to do this yet (been in their house for nearly 30 years).

      1. Mazzy*

        I thought water or whatever leaks out of the side of those septic tanks though. Aren’t they those big, circular, grey concrete things that have grooves/holes going all around them? I thought the water goes out but anything solid stays in it, in which case, the dirty water could mix with the clean water.

        1. I get that*

          There are layers as the waste products separate. There is a layer of fairly clear water that go out to a leach field. The are regulations for both wells and septic systems and for when they service they same structure.
          I have a well and there is a small storage tank in the basement. This eliminates priming the pump and waiting for the water to start flowing. It can need replacing but should last a long time.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          There are different kinds of septic systems for different soil types and lot settings.
          Some have leach fields where there is enough room and the soil drains well. So this takes the extra water out of the septic and disperses it.
          Smaller lots or lots with clay soil have dry wells (instead of leach fields) that hold the excess liquid.
          Depending on usage rate, usually the size of the family, you get your septic pumped out periodically. The pump truck has a gauge so it measures how many gallons they have pumped out and you pay accordingly. For me to get pumped out here is around $300 give or take. I have a thousand gallon tank.

          Typically, there are building ordinances that set how far away a well has to be from a septic tank. The well also has to be away from pasture lands (e coli, etc).

          Now, wells. There are different types of wells. My father built his first well. He got lucky and found an underground water flow. He built a 12 foot well out of rocks. You dropped the bucket down into collect water. That was 1950s. In the late 70s an engineer and building code enforcement defined my father’s next well. Although it was very close to the first well it was over 250 feet down. There was a lonnnng pipe and a pump at the bottom. This pump feed a waterline going into my father’s new house. The idea here being that the further down you go the cleaner the water is because the rocks and soil filter out the impurities.

          This is a pretty simple explanation because my understanding is simple. People go to school and get engineering degrees in this stuff. So if you still feel kind of lost that is because it’s a huge subject area with many aspects to consider.

          And, yes, it still happens that dirty water gets into people’s wells. Around here contaminating a neighbor’s well will probably lead to a fist fight or worse. It’s a bfd. Responsible homeowners watch what they are doing so they do not pollute their neighbor’s water. Not everyone is a responsible homeowner.

          1. Mazzy*

            I just had to look up what a leach field is, thanks for the new vocabulary. I was just wondering about reading an article about leach fields, what if you live in a really wet area, or there was just a rain storm, and the water isn’t draining out because the soil is already saturated? It looks like a family will be able to fill the septic tank with water in 2 or 3 days in that case? Not saying you know that answer, just thinking outloud.

            And I’m fascinated that you’re father built a well in the 50s, that was well after suburbanization where I’m from and where I’ve lived. Where was he?

            1. Natalie*

              I know people who built wells in the 90s. Even in a suburban area, some houses might be too far away from the water system to get municipal water.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              My father. Am laughing, rural America. If you look at a map of the Adirondack Park he was some where in the middle or just below the middle. The was no phone or electric on his road until the 70s. They probably will never have cable or cell. It’s just not cost effective for the companies.

              We are talking about an area so rural that even state police are still scared to go back in there. I went up with a trooper in the early 90s and his face was as white as a ghost. Code Enforcement is none too happy going in there either. Additionally even now the regs are written such that if the homeowner does stuff himself then some regs do not apply.

              The problem with lot saturation is what I have here. It’s getting better.
              Fortunately there is a storm drain system and water flows were directed toward the storm drain. However, yes, until we started fixing it, the dry well would fill up with water, that would back feed in to the septic and the septic would come up in the house. yes, in the toilet first but as the flooding got worse it came up in the sinks and bathtub.

              You know. Putting the lid down on the toilet does not prevent problems, the stuff just comes out the sides between the bowl, seat and lid. Another thing I learned is that I must wash the walls and the floor 100 times before it begins to feel clean again.

              It’s better now. We got more diligent about pumping out the septic. Neither of us had septic systems growing up so we did not pay attention like we should. Neighbors were very helpful in advising us. (I mean that sincerely.) Most recently, I hired my friend to help me with the problem. He has an extraordinary grasp of water flows and a super keen eye for finding the level of the land. He said to bring in 80 plus ton of fill. I had no idea, I went with it. We rented a very large tractor. He re-sculpted the land so that the whole yard tips to a drainage ditch. He said the water would run away. I still had no clue. I told him the dog run flooded and the dog knew he could not use the run because it was dirty water. My friend put some of that fill across the dog run to raise that up a couple inches.
              It freakin’ worked. My lot now drains and I have less problems than ever before. And the dog can use his run.

              Okay I missed the question about filling a tank in 2-3 days. Actually depending on the severity of the situation it can be a matter of hours. I think I went from no problem to major problem in less than 12 hours. If you take a drink of water and want to throw the excess out, you cannot throw it in the sink. It will gurgle up somewhere else in the house. So you either save it, or you step outside and throw it on the ground. Dishes you do with two tubs, one with soap and water and one with rinse water. When you are done you throw the water from both tubs on the ground outside. There is nothing else you can do here until it drains. Laundry goes to the laundry mat. Showering is done at your neighbors’ who do not have problems.

              This sounds horrible but it was not a common occurrence, maybe once every few years. The first time it happened I decided to make it a goal to fix this. So I have been working on for decades.
              The problem with clay soil is that things change all the time, there are underground water flows and they can change direction for any reason. Additionally driving on clay soil compacts the soil and makes the problems worse. Moral of the story, don’t buy a lot with clay soil unless you are determined to work through the problems. We had no clue when we bought the house.

              1. Mazzy*

                This is such a good answer, I read it twice. So what you wrote about your father’s location brought up other questions. Did all of this stuff freeze during the winter? Including the well/sewage pipes and the ground through which draining was supposed to occur?

                And back to raising the land, how did that make things drain, unless you raised the cesspool too? Or did you just cut some away and even it out with the fill to make it a hill instead of flat?

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  No, it does not freeze because it is down below the frost line. The frost line is how deep the freezing goes into the earth. Around here the frost line is about a foot down or so. A careful conservative person might dig a little deeper than that just in case.

                  So the well pipes and the sewage pipes would be down below the frost line. Local professionals know how deep to go for their area. Since I live in a farming community this is pretty common knowledge among people. Farmers are always digging something.

                  Let’s do the cesspool first. I believe that a cesspool is an open area filled with septic fluids. It is open for all to see. Yes, disgusting. Probably not legal in most areas anymore.

                  What I have here is a dry well. This is an empty tank below ground (and below the frost line). My dry well is 250 gallons. Kind of small I think but I am not an engineer. The solids stay behind in the main tank (septic tank) and liquids flow into the dry well, which confusingly is now actually wet on the inside. The term dry well is confusing. Just think of a dry well as an empty holding tank.

                  Now on to the tough part to explain because I am not real clear on why it works myself.
                  He ordered the 80 ton, this is four biiig trucks. He got a tractor with back wheels about as tall as me. The first thing to know is that my lot is very flat, except for the drainage ditch.
                  In my case here when the front yard flooded that is when the septic backed up into the house. His idea was to build up the soil to force water to run to the drainage ditch.
                  From my own reading on things, I learned that water molecules have a magnetic quality about them. A few water molecules will attract a few more and in turn this new group will attract a few more. This kind of helps to explain how rivers form. I think this is the physics my friend was tapping. Get a little water flowing one way and it will tend to draw more water with it.

                  So my friend with the very keen eye spread that 80 plus ton across the front yard he put about five inches on the side nearest the dry well an septic then tapered down to zero inches once he got to the drainage ditch on the other side. It took him a few hours to spread it then he spent a few hours fine tuning his work. Then he went on to add a few inches of soil to the dog run area. The dog run is on the side of the house, so this forces the water to go into the back yard, beyond the dog run.

                  I am skipping the drainage pipe part that handles the under ground water. There’s lots of perforated pipes all over here but under ground. Yes, again under the frost line so they do not freeze up. The pipes are also set to drain into the drainage ditch. Yeah, I could float toy boats in this drainage ditch during spring thaw, because the ground water (water that we see on top) and the underground water is all going that way.

                  I could not make a hill over the septic and the dry well because of the underground water, my lot was at saturation level. Picture putting a septic tank in a swimming pool and you will have an idea. I had to have a plan to deal with surface water and deal with underground water.
                  See the thing about clay, is that clay soil forms because there is a solid rock ledge underneath. Here that rock ledge is about 3 feet down on average. There is absolutely no place for the water to go. Additionally, the constant flooding takes away valuable nutrients and minerals form the soil, and what is left behind is absolute crap. Hence the clay soil.

                  Back when I had a bit of spending money, I used to add greensand or rock dust to my garden. It’s ground up rocks. Rocks are minerals. Minerals feed microbes, microbes feed earthworms, soil gets healthier. I worked it and got earthworms back in my garden.

                  It took a few years and tears to get through the learning curve here but I am now on the winning side of this problem. I am very fortunate to have found knowledgeable people to help.

    2. Cristina in England*

      It’s all in pipes, like how in your house the waste pipe from the toilet doesn’t mix with the water flowing from your kitchen sink.

    3. nonegiven*

      In my area, there are septic tanks for waste but many or most rural houses are served by the rural water district just like houses in town are served by the city water lines.

  67. anon in space*

    I’m in my early 30s and single. I don’t want to be alone forever, but I also don’t want to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. My family and friends have tried setting me up with guys, but nothing has worked out. I’ve been on dates with guys, but nothing really lasts. It takes me a while to get comfortable around people. I don’t make the best first impression because I get nervous.

    I’ve been questioning my preferences- I feel more comfortable around women- my friends are all female. I get nervous around men, but I like getting hugs from men and had a crush on a guy that I worked with.

    I also like being alone- doing my own thing on my own terms. I’m introverted, but feel lonely sometimes.
    I just feel a bit lost at times.

    Can anyone relate?

    1. Lily Evans*

      I totally relate! I’m mid-20s and usually okay with being single, but it would be nice not to be. I’ve also been trying to figure out my sexuality for a long time now. I’ve landed on bi, but it feels like the more time goes on, the more I’m attracted to women and less I’m attracted to men. I rarely felt comfortable dating men, but I’m still pretty sure there are men I’ve been attracted to. It’s all very nebulous and confusing and dating is hard even without having a mini self-identity crisis every time you think you find someone attractive!

    2. nep*

      Can relate 100 percent.
      Hang in there. (Very smart move — not being with someone just for the sake of being with someone.)
      All the best.

    3. MechanicalPencil*

      Uh. Hi. I just broke things off with my SO of two years. So I’m sure my family will be back at it with trying to set me up with people. I have my own interests. I do what I want. And I never dreamed of making it to this point in life without a stable relationship. I’m generally content being the crazy dog lady, but they don’t play with my hair and cook dinner, and sometimes that’s what I want.

    4. Fake old Converse shoes*

      Yes. All but my first crush were boys/men that were not available. In the last years it’s been more and more painful, I can’t even see a couple holding hands that I’m on the verge of tears. Curiously enough this week my Dad made some tasteless remarks about it.

    5. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I can definitely relate. I just turned 40 and I’ve never lived with any of my SOs over the years. I’m at the point now where I’m not even sure if I could because I’m used to doing my own thing.

      Don’t get hung up on labeling your sexuality. It’s more about finding a person that you connect with and are comfortable with than anything else (IMO).

      1. Dan*

        I was married for a few years, and recently turned 38. I have to say, on a daily basis, I *like* living alone. I’m not sure I could go back to living with someone.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          In a similar vein, I was married for 23 years, together 27. I like life on my own. I do have male friends and one male friend is a guardian angel type. We bail each other out when things get rough. It’s a friendship and that is all it will ever be. But I feel content with life.

          OP, look for where you feel the most contentment and live your life accordingly. Don’t let people tell you that you should have this or that, and don’t tell yourself that if you are happy the way things are.

    6. Turtlewings*

      I literally could have written every word of your post! Except for the hugs bit, I guess, because I don’t really like being touched until I’m super comfortable with someone. But yes. All the yes. I know it’s cliche but I’m starting to feel a little panicky about it because I’m 33. I don’t have that many childbearing years left, and I want children. Even more than children, I want to fall in love. I never have. I’m afraid I never will. I like the life I have — I just want to share it with someone.

    7. Anon anon anon*

      I say just take things one day at a time. Appreciate each day. If you meet someone you like, try to get to know them better. Talk to them. Find out why you like them, in what way, and if it’s mutual. And enjoy your alone time. And your time with friends. We can’t really control what life brings us, but we can choose to appreciate the good things in it, whatever that may be on a given day.

    8. Delynn*

      I don’t know. More comfortable around women could mean lower stakes i.e. You’re not romantically or sexually interested in women so you’re more relaxed.

      I also recommend you do a bit of internet research on sexual versus romantic attraction and a sexuality and demisexuality.

      For myself I realized very late in life that I am at least bisexual but possibly more lesbian. I was sexually attracted and could see myself happily married to two ex-bfs if circumstances had been different so I will alway be at least a little bisexual.

      But unlike some other late in life lesbians, I wasn’t never in denial about a sexual attraction to women. I realized that I am somewhat demisexual (somewhere on the asexuality spectrum). I find it hard to define so I don’t know “right” words to describe but I’ve realized that my brain doesn’t feel attraction like most other people. Looks / body doesn’t matter to my sexuality interest, and I have no interest in sex with a “hot” person that I don’t know. And this isn’t learned prudishness, I don’t experience sexual attraction at all based simply on a person’s body. I do see people who look interesting or cool and I think that I’d like to get to know them. But this often because they’re letting their personality shine through with their clothes and hairstyle – not a sexual attraction.

      So that’s how I answered my own question about how I never realized I might be bisexual until after 40. I missed some clues but I assumed my sexual attraction worked like everyone else’s when I have since concluded it doesn’t. TBH I congratulated myself on being in good control of my sexual desires compared to others when in actuality my desires are lower than the average persons.

      I recommend you interrogate your desires using your imagination. Do you think you could have a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman? Would you prefer it? Think about her lips and hands on you and vice versa. Do the same for men.

      Sexuality is a spectrum. Most people are not 100% gay or straight. Conservative culture has also nurtured a negative view which confuses things. But I did have a revelation when I realized I was queer that I have never been turned off by the idea of a same sex relationship even when I didn’t know I could want one. I realized that up until that point I thought everyone else’s brains reacted that way mine did and the homophobes were just being jerks with all their distaste and revulsion but no they actually had those feelings when imagining having gay sex. OTOH they should only worry about who they have in their own beds and not about anyone else’s relationship.

      1. Delynn*

        I can relate to your feelings.

        My single adult years are longer than the years I’ve been in relationships. I really like being in a relationship; I just got out of one and it reminded me how much I like it. I do, however, fear I’ve lived alone so long that I may never live easily with a partner.

        I’m really big on not settling, though, even though that leads to some years of singleness. Better to be alone than with the wrong person that makes you unhappy.

    9. Middle School Teacher*

      Totally. 38 and single foreverrrrr. I was seeing someone a few years ago and broke it off to pursue things with someone else, which I regret deeply, because the someone else treated me like crap.

      I’m casually on a few dating sites but I don’t put a lot of effort in. I’m a bit apathetic with dating and I’m also not willing to change my whole life for the sake of being with someone. I’m happy being a dog mom, but I’m with Mechanical Pencil. I love my dog to bits but he doesn’t make dinner or hug me.

    10. SparklingStars*

      I’m really late to this – but I’m 36, and just starting dating someone about 2 months ago after being single for practically my whole life (a couple of short-lived relationships along the way, but nothing as serious as this one is becoming). In some ways I enjoy being in a relationship – but I’m really struggling to find enough alone time to suit my needs. I’m hoping that I’ll adjust eventually, because it’s still early days.

    11. NaoNao*

      I can totally relate. I’m in a long term serious thing now and the only way it works is we have our own rooms in our house! I would say the majority of people honestly really like being on their own occasionally and having control over their lives, and also feel lonely at times. The key is to find someone who matches your levels closely. Someone who wants to spend about as much time together and apart as you do.
      There was a period in my life where most of my friends were women or gay men and straight guys were only good for intimacy and disappointment. This lasted up until about my mid-30s, coincidentally around the time most men in my peer group started maturing and becoming married, partners, or fathers.
      A couple things shifted and I found myself more suited for long term things. I decided I wanted a partner more than I wanted to be alone, and I did some “work” on myself to resolve some tensions and beliefs that were holding me back.
      I can’t authoritatively say what preferences are, but *generally* attraction has to do with tension. There’s a feeling of sparks, tension, friction, a pleasant sense of being “on point” or wanting to impress them, engage them, and enjoy them. If this particular feeling (some call it “butterflies”) isn’t there with a gender, than likely genuine sexual or romantic attraction isn’t there either.
      Also, nothing says you have to pick one gender to be attracted to. I identify as straight and have had a few “crushes” on my same gender, I think most of us have “exceptions” where we find ourselves drawn to someone we might feel is outside the norm of our gender preference.

  68. Mazzy*

    Reddit…I discovered this site a few months back. Do people post questions because they want to read the answers, or just because they want to see how many people will respond, because I’ve been seeing the same basic questions getting re-asked, when logic dictates that you’d just read the previous one if you were truly interested.

    Also, I hate how some people are fishing for “what’s your creepiest” or whatever story, it puts people in a position to exaggerate experiences they’ve had, and they’re no longer creepy if we make them into a commodity. And now all of a sudden everyone has seen a staircase in the middle of the woods that leads nowhere!

    1. fposte*

      I was on Reddit for a while and quit when I found I was getting sucked into stuff that didn’t make me feel better. I think the character varies wildly from subreddit to subreddit, but I think it does amplify the general internet/human tendency to prefer to elicit a response from humans than to read anything existing. (There’s also confirmation bias, of course, in that you don’t see all the people who did read the previous thread or Google the mention instead of asking.)

    2. Courtney*

      Depends on the subreddit. People on AskReddit generally don’t really care about the answers, they just want upvotes.

    3. LCL*

      I love me our regional subreddit, where we discuss current events and argue endlessly about zoning and transit. Seriously. Our city is seeing explosive population growth which creates overwhelming problems and opportunities. Our site has good moderators, and much of the trademark nastiness other subreddits are known for isn’t allowed. Reddit’ search feature is notoriously bad. Instead, do a google search for e.g. Reddit + Boston and you might find something you like.

      Reddit also has some subs that are just cute stuff. Eye bleach and dogberg are my 2 favorites. Again, do a search for Reddit + (type of animal) and you might find someone nice.

      1. Mazzy*

        I never thought of a local subreddit, I just found one for a resort and nature area I like but have only been to a few times, the information there is good, there is actually too much of it. Thanks!

    5. Maya Elena*

      Avoid! Worse than facebook as a time suck! Also, lots of groupthink – though specific ideologies may vary by subreddut,
      But!Useful for getting answers to obscure questions.

    6. SL #2*

      Reddit is one of those places where it’s literally what you make of it. It’s so easy to curate your experience to exactly what you need it to be. I run one of the regional Pokemon Go subreddits, for example, and I collect Funko Pops so I contribute consistently to the Funko sub. My friend is into Rooster Teeth, so she’s active on their sub. But our experiences on Reddit vary so widely just because we follow such different subs. It’s easy to just write the whole site off because AskReddit and the main auto-followed subs are such trash, but if you have the time and inclination to really delve into it, you can find a pretty good community in whatever you’re interested in.

    7. Temperance*

      I’m on Reddit, but I stick to a few specific subs (mostly for survivors of mentally ill parents) and true crime.

  69. nep*

    Does anyone get headaches from soy?
    I’m starting to think this is a cause for me — I rarely eat soy, but once in a while will get some tofu. Had some in the past couple days and a whopper of a headache this afternoon. (I don’t know whether there is a difference in this regard between fermented or unfermented.) Haven’t changed anything else re eating, drinking, sleeping. I know so many things can cause headaches — just wondering whether anyone’s noticed effects from soy.
    (There is such conflicting information on the web about soy.)

    1. M is for Mulder*

      I avoid soy at the recommendation of my endocrinologist, because there are some studies that suggest it may cause problems in people with poor thyroid function. When I did research after his suggestion, I was completely dumbfounded by the sheer multitude of things that contain soy. It’s even in toothpaste! It’s in miso, natto, tamari, tempeh, vegetable starches and broths…it goes on forever.

      Most people with a soy allergy can have soy lecithin, but a headache trigger is not the same thing as an allergy, so you may need to avoid that as well. It is incredibly challenging, especially when you’re busy and exhausted and just want something quick and easy to eat. I wish you luck.

      1. nep*

        Thanks.
        Right — I have read it can wreak havoc with the thyroid, among other things.
        I rarely have tofu so it’s certainly not something I’ll miss if I never buy it again. But you’re right — soy is in so many things. More reason for me to stick to ingredients as opposed to foods with ingredients.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        The Mayo Clinic website says wait four hours after taking your thyroid meds before eating anything with soy, or anything that’s known to interfere with medication. I sometimes have miso soup, but it’s well after I’ve had my pill (I take it when I first wake up). Not a fan of tofu–it’s like eating the inside of a foam pillow. :P

    2. Not So NewReader*

      My memory is rusty but I seem to remember reading that soy was designed as a cover crop. It was never intended for human consumption. The alternative people I go to advise to stay away from soy, so I do.

      2. Natalie*

        It may have been first imported into the US as a cover crop, but it was definitely initially developed as food. People in Asia have been eating soy for nearly 10,000 years.

    3. Rainy*

      I get very serious migraines from soy protein.

      Soybean oil and soy lecithin don’t cause the reaction, just protein. There is no difference for me between fermented and unfermented.

      A few tips: stop buying bakery products sold over the counter–only buy stuff you can examine the label on. Read the label on all breads, cakes, cookies, meatballs/meatloaf products, pre-prepared chopped meat products, and ALL FROZEN DINNERS, ALWAYS. Don’t eat cheap gyro meat or meatball sandwiches at sub shops.

      1. nep*

        Thanks. Interesting.
        Only thing I would eat with soy was the three-or-four-times-a-year tofu — so that’s out, easily.
        All this is all the more reason to stick with my general aim of eating mostly foods without labels. (My body sure tells me when I stray.)

    4. the gold digger*

      When I saw the Orthodox Jewish acupuncturist at the drug rehab clinic (that was raided recently by the feds for Medicare or Medicaid fraud – can’t remember) for my migraines after my neurologist fired me, he suggested I eliminate gluten from my diet for a week to see if that helped my headaches. Soy – and almost everything else! – has gluten. So yeah – soy sauce can cause h.a. Not so sure about tofu, but bodies are all different and maybe tofu does cause h.a. for you.

    5. JJtheDoc*

      Yes, I do as well. I avoid everything labeled ‘soy’ and products listing soy as on of the first four ingredients. Minute quantities don’t seem to bother me, although, as with everything, YMMV.

  70. Dainty Lady*

    I posted a couple of weeks ago about a friend of mine whose husband was going to succumb soon to brain cancer… he did, and the funeral was Thursday evening & Friday morning. I flew over (we live many states apart) and I’m very glad indeed that I did. It’s not like I could do anything at all to make anything better but I was *there*. She belongs to a church in which the most momentous occasions of life — weddings, funerals, baptisms — are folded into the cycle of prayers; there aren’t special services. You do the vespers you would normally do and add a few prayers for the repose of the dead. You do the liturgy as usual and add a few prayers. It’s oddly comforting to have the earthquakes of life simply accepted as “life” and you go on. The services are all extremely beautiful as well, all sung.

    I should have flown back on Friday right after the burial but I decided to stay and visit other friends. It hasn’t been enjoyable. Although I love these people, they were originally my husband’s friends and he didn’t come with me. So they miss him, and I do too. I’m killing time at a Panera right now before going on to the second set of Our Friends.

    Maybe next Friday I will post for advice for my friend. Her next need is to get a job, and that’s going to be hard because she’s been out of the workforce for 25 years. Well, never entered is more like it.

    Thanks for listening.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      You were a good friend to go. Sometimes just plain being *there* is the best thing you can do in a rough situation.
      I am going to have faith that your friend will find something, sooner or later, in the workplace. She may have to try out several different positions until she finds a good mutual fit–but don’t we all?!

      Her congregational community sounds very nurturing. (I’m hoping that folks who create an accepting-life-as-it-happens service are equally accepting outside of the service.) She may not be the first congregant to seek employment after being widowed in midlife; someone in the network may be well-experienced in guiding people through unsought job searches. Maybe someone owns a business, or the church itself has an opening where she can begin to adjust to the two enormous changes of losing her spouse and gaining a very different daily/weekly routine.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Good thinking here, Jean. Right on target.

        OP, you can encourage your friend to talk this over with her church friends. They will probably help her and you can fill in where need be.

        I am sorry for your (and her) loss.

  71. The Principal of the Thing*

    Any recommendations for exercise with arthritis? I can’t afford the fees for the pool and the public one is a forty minute drive away.

    I need to lose weight with more than just this diet (11kg lost so far with another 30 to go) but with arthritis in both knees as well as my back, walking is out of the question.

    1. Book Lover*

      Stationary bike works well and you can often find them on Craigslist. I know it doesn’t sound good for back or knees, but it usually is, though you can check with your GP to be sure.

      1. Principal of the Thing*

        I did enjoy using the stationary bike at the gym but I found that it made my back a bit worse. That said, I’ve just read some information about it online based on your answers and I think that might have been posture-related. Thanks for the idea!

    3. Kathenus*

      They make steppers/ellipticals that go under on the floor a desk that you can use while sitting.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Not exactly what you asked, but watch your water intake. Try to keep your hydration levels even everyday. This will help with pain from the arthritis but it will also help with exercising, too.

      1. Principal of the Thing*

        I usually do drink more water at my desk during the week (the one advantage to having the water cooler next to my desk) but I do tend to slack on this on the weekends. Thanks for your suggestions!

    5. Sarah G*

      Rheumatoid or osteoarthritis? Sounds like you live in a small town or rural area, but call the local pool (s) and explain your situation, and ask about sliding scales based on income, or for medical needs and/or seniors if the latter is applicable. Do you have medical insurance? If so, if you are in the US, even Medicaid will pay for a round of physical therapy as prescribed by your doctor, and a physical therapist can give you exercises to do on your own. Your doctor herself, and/or your HMO if you are a part of one, may also have some exercise recommendations.

      1. The Principal of the Thing*

        Thanks for this, but unfortunately it’s not applicable. The pool I was going to, based on the doctors recommendations, is part of a private gym, and I’d have to spend more on private health insurance than I would on giant gym fees to be eligible. Seniors discounts are a looooooong way off: I’ve had arthritis to some degree since I was 17, and this flare-up is about to hit the six month mark. It’s severe osteoarthritis, and I also have a heart condition, so surgery isn’t an option. *sigh*

  72. Bite the B*

    I would like to meet with a financial planner, but how do I know if they are legit? What was your experience with one and was/is it worth it?

    I’m 30, put away 10% pre tax toward retirement every pay check and save 20% post tax in cash. I pretty much follow the 50/30/20 rule.
    I’ve got $35k in cash savings and I know it’s just sitting there making 0.35 cents every month. Pathetic! Yet, I’m hesitant to invest a good chunk of it, of course I know there is risk in investing in the stock market (less so with low risk things like
    Mutual funds) but there is something about not having my money at my immediate disposal that I don’t like. It’s silly, I know.

    1. fposte*

      Sounds like you’re doing a great job so far! I think you should download William Bernstein’s free “If You Can” pamphlet before you do anything. I’d also recommend spending some time reading at bogleheads dot org; start with the Getting Started part of the wiki, but just generally start hanging around with solid, careful money talk so you get used to the conversations about risk, about cash, about retirement, and those things that are relevant to you.

      The problem is that if you know enough to pick a planner you know enough to handle your own money :-). That being said, if you focus on members of the Garrett Planning Network or NAPFA members and focus on fee-only services, you’re likelier to encounter somebody who can help you make decisions without trying to sell you whole life insurance or hitting you up for commissions.

      In the meantime, when you say “retirement” does that mean a 401k? Are you also contributing to an IRA? (Did you know that if you put your money in a Roth IRA you can withdraw the contributions at any time without penalty?) What assets are you putting your money in in those accounts, and who are they with?

      1. Bite the B*

        Finally, a chance to reply! :)
        As always, thank for your excellent and thoughtful advice. I downloaded “If You Can” as soon as I read your second sentence, LOL. You and Zathras also touched upon the main reason I am hesitant to consider a CFP – I’m afraid of getting a sales pitch and/or having this person not have my best interest when dealing with *my* money.

        I have a 403(b) (I work for a very large university system) with Fidelity and there are multiple University funds you can pick. I’m not going to lie, I really don’t know what’s going on with my 403(b) other than I contribute 10% and I’ve had gains every year on the 10 funds I randomly picked when I got this job. Now I’m 6 years in and realized I can’t just cross my fingers and hope for the best with my retirement. I want to research and potentially consolidate to 3-5 funds. This is what got me thinking about the rest of my money. Basically, what am I doing with my money? Am I making smart choices? Are there things I can do better?

        I’m also thinking of just putting $5k in a 529 for my hypothetical child(ren) and letting it grow (instead of putting $100 a month and taking 4+ years to get to that amount) . I’d still contribute $25-50 a month too. Ugghhhhh, money.

        1. Zathras*

          You are already doing pretty well! But it’s good to make sure you are making informed choices about your money. When you pull up the list of funds to pick from, it should show the expense ratio of each fund. You want index funds with a low expense ratio. The good news is that once you invest in index funds, you don’t really have to pay much attention . Just put the money in every paycheck and maybe rebalance once a year if needed to maintain your ratio of stocks to bonds. Just be prepared to continue to pay no attention when the stock market takes a dive – it will almost certainly happen between now and the time you retire. With index investing, your portfolio will recover when the market does.

          There is a lot of noise out there about picking funds with the best returns, or picking the next big performer, or giving funds “ratings” based on their past performance. That is all complete BS, so ignore it. The numbers show that only a tiny number of Wall Street fund managers outperform index funds over the long term, and the number of those who outperform them enough to justify the higher fund expenses is pretty much nonexistent.

    2. Natalie*

      You don’t need a financial advisor to invest in the stock market, and in fact there’s a reasonable chunk of evidence that you are better off with a low cost index fund or ETF than with active management.

      Regarding risk, I definitely wouldn’t be investing all of your cash – stock is generally a long term investment, so you want to keep your emergency fund and things like vacation savings, etc in cash.

    3. Zathras*

      I briefly had a a financial advisor when I inherited a relative’s IRA. He worked for a large company and earned commission if he got me to buy into whatever expensive funds they were promoting at the time. Luckily I had the feeling there was more to it and did enough research to understand that I should get the money out of there and into some index funds at Vanguard.

      If you do go with a financial planner, get one that is fee based and a fiduciary, which means they are legally required to put their customer’s interests before their own. Do NOT use one associated with a large investment firm, those people are actually salespeople in disguise.

      I highly recommend JL Collins Stock Series (jlcollinsnh dot com) and the book “The Bogleheads Guide to Investing.” JL Collins also has a book called “The Simple Path to Wealth” which is mostly the same material that is for free on his website, but in book form.

      In general their advice boils down to find a low cost index fund and don’t mess with it too much. Only invest money that you don’t need in the short term, because you don’t want to be forced to sell during a market downturn. Keep some of that cash in a savings account as your emergency fund.

      Even if you are not into the “early retirement” movement, those blogs are often good places to look for investing advice.

  73. ADB_BWG*

    Long-time reader; first-time poster…

    Chiming in on travel recommendations. I’ll be in Vienna for work December 14-15. My BF is joining me and we will fly back to the US on December 21st. It’s our first trip to Austria, but we’ve both been to other European cities and we’re comfortable on our own (though neither of us speaks German).

    I’m waiting to find out the exact location of the meetings, since we’d rather not change hotels and would like to stay somewhere nice but not outrageously $$$. We belong to Marriott and thought about this: http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/viese-imperial-riding-school-renaissance-vienna-hotel/.

    Suggestions for hotels, restaurants, can’t miss spots? We like history and art, good food, and enjoy walking. We aren’t picky eaters and enjoy neighborhood-type restaurants and shops. I’ve asked the meeting coordinator to look into concert tickets, so that’s covered.

    Thanks!

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I was last in Vienna years and years ago so I imagine my thoughts are fairly out of date, even if I could remember them :) However, as it will be Christmas time there should be markets of some type going on.

      I went in August and took a day trip out to the countryside to ride a bike around which was nice, but it could be rather too cold to do that. I did want to chip in that Vienna is just up the river from Budapest, so potentially a two for one if you wanted to maybe do an overnight or two in Budapest as well and hit up the thermal spas?

      1. Zathras*

        I have also been to Budapest (though that was a different trip) and +1 million for the thermal baths there, and also the food, which was uniformly amazing.

    2. Mephyle*

      Lucky you! I spent one day in Vienna, but it was a Sunday and all the museums and most of the restaurants were closed. I long to visit again and really see sights this time.
      One thing I did get to see was the Neidhart frescoes, the oldest secular murals in the city. I would recommend. It is not a long visit, just several rooms in a house.

    3. Zathras*

      If you like art and history, go to the Kunsthistorisches (art history) museum – it’s HUGE and filled with artwork, artifacts, etc. It was by far my favorite of all the museums I saw in Vienna… It’s the sort of place where you wander off into a side room and find a bunch of self portraits by Rembrandt.

      There are a number of palaces and things you can tour, I actually liked Schönbrunn (the summer palace at the edge of the city) better than the Hofburg (city palace) for reasons I cannot clearly explain. But both were interesting if you are history buffs.

      If you are a coffee drinker it’s a good idea to read a bit about how you order it – you can’t really just order “coffee”. Just google “How to order coffee in Vienna” and skim a few pages to get an idea.

      We went to a combination of Lonely Planet recommended restaurants and places we happened to stumble on past and I thought the food was great everywhere (admittedly, I am easy to please). Reservations for dinnertime are much more of a thing there, although it worked for us to go early before the dinner rush and have a plan B and C nearby in case we were turned away (I think that only happened once). But the hotel front desk may be able to help you make reservations so if that’s the case I recommend doing that to be safe.

      We also really enjoyed a cafe called ‘phil’ which was a combination bookstore/coffee shop/bar that was open very late.

      If you drink wine, try “glühwein” which is a hot spiced wine they serve at Christmas / New Year’s. You can find it in the Christmas markets, possibly in some restaurants too.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        The Wien.info website is the official site of the Vienna Tourist board, so I recommend having a look there, especially for instructions on Coffee Houses and Christmas markets. (The ones at the Rathaus and Schonbrunn are worth seeing)

        The hotel you posted a link to is in the 3rd district (a Viennese district is the middle 2 numbers in the postcode) but public transport is excellent in Vienna and there are various tickets and passes to cover different time periods, including the Vienna Card.

        And whilst Schonbrunn is nicer than the Hofburg, if you want to visit both, buy a Sisi ticket, then you get entrance to both, plus the Hofmobiliendepot. The lines for tickets at Schonbrunn are always busy, buying in advance is a good idea.

      2. Cambridge Comma*

        Phil is great, they won’t take reservations so try and be early for e.g. weekend breakfast.

    4. Gerenuk*

      When I was in Vienna I got the Vienna Pass and it worked out great for me.
      It includes free entry to a ton of museums and attractions, and also includes the hop on hop off bus for transport. I got the 6 day pass even though I was only there for 5 days and it still more than paid for itself .

      Some of my favourite places I visited were Schloss hof, Schonbrunn Palace and Zoo, Natural History Museum, House of Music, Military History museum, and tour of the UN. The ferris wheel was good too.

      1. Cambridge Comma*

        I’ve always found the Vienna pass doesn’t pay off, check a weekly ticket price if you’re here for a few days. You can see all the prices on Wiener
        Linien dot at.

    6. Cambridge Comma*

      Hotel: Look at Hotel Daniel or Pension Wild, otherwise most chains are fine.
      You can get anywhere in 30 mins on public transport, so there is no need to be close to the conference location. (If it’s the VIC, Austria Centre or Messe, it’s a bit dreary round there in the winter.) Find an interesting place instead.
      Leopold Museum for the Schiele. Kunsthistorisches Museum as much for the building as the exhibition.
      Spittelberg christmas market (the best), Altes AKH christmas market, Freyung or am Hof. Do not go to the Rathaus christmas market, it’s only for ourists (although the others are touristy enough).
      Restaurants: Lugeck for good Austrian food, Blauensteiner ‘zur Stadt Paris’ for Schnitzel, avoid the Plachutta restaurants and anyone else who advertises at the airport, avoid Siebensternbräu.
      The Naschmarkt is OK but touristy and overpriced, brunch at the Brunnenmarkt or Karmelitermarkt if you want to be off the beaten track.
      If you want a Heuriger, go anywhere but Grinzing (e.g. Pötzleinsdorf, Neustift).
      Take the 38A bus to the top of Leopoldsberg (nicer but no cafe), Kahlenberg (more people but cafe) or both (on same bus route) for views over the city.
      Walk in the Prater if the weather is nice.
      Watch the Third Man and Before Sunrise before you come.
      Don’t worry about not speaking German, more than 50% of the population speaks English, you can get around fine.
      Don’t go to those Mozart concerts in the Kursalon. Get opera tickets if you can.

    7. Cambridge Comma*

      The hotel you posted is near Rennweg, which is a bit of a blah area, and you’d have to figure out trams and railway to get around. If there’s a Marriott near an underground, I’d go for that.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        The Marriott Am Stadtpark (Parkring 12A) is in a better location than Rennweg. There are tram, bus and U-Bahn (Stubentor line 3 which connects to Wien-Mitte and the airport train) stops close by and it is walking distance into the centre.

        The Belvedere has a lovely garden and the Upper Belvedere is where the Klimts, including the Kiss and Judith are exhibited. I would recommend avoiding the Sacher Hotel unless it’s essential to try a genuine Sachertorte. I did that the very first time I went to Vienna and came away disappointed. Twenty-odd years later and I have never been back. Gerstner has the catering contract for many of the museums and the Staatsoper. Their cafe on the mezzanine of the KHM is lovely for a break between the Bruegels and the Archimboldos.

    8. Sarah G*

      I second the Kunsthistorisches Museum — I saw an El Greco exhibit there 15 yrs ago that is hands down one of the best art exhibits I’ve ever seen in my life. Since you will be there in Dec, the Christmas Market “Christkindlmarkt” will be there — the city will be decked out for the holidays, which I thought lovely even though I’m Jewish.
      Also, I know you don’t have a ton of time, but I recommend doing at least one day trip or overnight to another town or national park nearby. There is a national park that borders Vienna, and plenty of wonderful villages and historic cities to explore not far from city limits. Getting outside the big city will give you a flavor for the local culture that a city like Vienna just cannot match.

    9. Sarah G*

      p.s. I second Cambridge Comma’s rec to get Opera tix if you can. Avoid concerts that are advertised to tourists via flyers. Find out where locals get their concert tix.

  74. Jean (just Jean)*

    Self care sub-thread: Where are you? What’s going well, or not so well?
    I have just decided (again!) that despite challenges facing myself and other near and dear ones, I _can_ control the tidiness of my home and the frequency with which I get some exercise. (While I will never be compulsively tidy, I am, sadly, wired to be happier in visually tranquil surroundings.) The kitchen is being subdued; while a few items soak in the sink I’m going to give the bathtub a lick and a promise. The reward is a walk in the late afternoon sunshine.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I like this idea! Well done on getting going on your house.

      What’s going well: yoga. I make myself go each week even if I feel meh beforehand and it always always help.

      Less well: food and cooking. No advice wanted on that.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      oooo- self care.
      Finally got a block of time to get dental work done. Okay push came to shove, my teeth HURT. I got two pulled yesterday. One came out easily, the other… not so much. The dentist was GREAT. I am thrilled with how he works. This dental work has been on the to-do list for almost 3 years. I am finally getting the time and space to do it.

      Today is my do-nothing day as my reward for doing Nasty Task yesterday.

      1. nep*

        Wow — good for you. What a relief that must be to finally have that dental work done.
        Great that you’re rewarding yourself today. Enjoy.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Thanks for the cheers, I appreciate. Today is much better than yesterday so all that R and R is paying off.

          I had a little learning experience. The dentist recommended turmeric with black pepper for pain. He said it’s on a par with Motrin 800s. I never had much luck with the Motrin but I thought I would try this turmeric and black pepper.
          My thing is the stuff has to work, or I am not interested. omg. It took out all the pain before the appointment and knocked it back enough after the appointment so I could sleep some. The doc said he keeps it in the house for random pain. he said to get a brand from natural sources. He used Gaia brand so I went with that.

          It’s good to know these things.

    3. Anon anon anon*

      Things are much better this week! Still kind of stalled on the Friday thread topic, but I feel hopeful. Everything else is good.

    4. misspiggy*

      Timely question for me – my husband just got ill and I don’t know how many days he’ll need looking after. So I’m doing lots of resting in between getting him meals etc, because I don’t want to revisit previous occasions of both of us being incapacitated. Feeling guilty for not doing more for him in the immediate termination, though.

  75. SandrineSmiles (France)*

    WE SIGNED OUR NEW LEASE TODAY!

    I am beyond excited. I was so scared we’d never get out of the hole we’re in now. But because I have a permanent job (and got switched to full time too! Yay!) we managed to visit a few places and today bammmmmmmm lease is signed.
    Current tenant isn’t leaving till the 25th, and we have a three months notice period for the current place, but at this stage, we don’t care, we’re just happy.

    I mean, I’m getting A REAL KITCHEN and I will have a BALCONY and and and there is a cellar that we miiiiiiiiiight convert into some sort of “office” for me to Youtube and Twitch in peace hahahahahaha.

    1. Annie Mouse*

      Yay for you! It’s so exciting finding somewhere you are looking forward to living.
      Being nosy here, sorry, but the cellar, is it a room directly below your flat/house, or is it a sort of extra cupboard type place in the basement of the building? A friend lives in France and her last two apartments have had the separate cellar type room and they intrigue me! And I’d love one!!

      1. SandrineSmiles (France) At Work*

        The cellar in question… ah, darn, maybe I used the wrong word (we say “cellier” in French) . It’s actually a small room attached to the kitchen. So more like extra cupboard space.

        My dear boyfriend mentioned that mayyyyyyyybe we could actually put the washing machine there… I’ll see if I can negociate when the time comes hahahahaha.

  76. Mimmy*

    Therapy vs. life coaching

    I’ve been going to counseling off and on for years. I’m beginning to realize that what I probably need at this point is more along the lines of coaching. I particularly need help with that thing we don’t discuss on weekends, but I could certainly use help in other areas of my life too.

    So, those who have had experience with therapy/counseling AND coaching, please share your thoughts–plusses and minuses of either, which one you felt helped more, etc.

    Also, I’ve entered my mid-40s (yipes!!!) – is it going to look bad that someone my age still can’t “get it together”?

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Age does not matter. People of any age can have it together and suddenly hit a speed bump in life then they don’t have it together anymore. Age is not a factor.

      I have been for therapy and been for life coaching.
      Therapy was a total downer, I had to talk about the past when it was the future that concerned me. I was frustrated by the process and the slowness of it all. I was frustrated by how the therapist seemed to rely on book learning rather than their own life experiences. (YMMV, I am only talking about what was relevant to me.)

      Then I tried life coaching when I hit another speed bump in life. The difference was amazing. It cost half of what therapy cost and I was HAPPY to go. No more massive headaches like I got when I was seeing a therapist. (I had debilitating headaches when I went to the last therapist mostly because he was so frustrating.) And I couldn’t wait to get to the life coaching appointment. Unlike the therapist, she gave me “homework” to do and I had to report back. She was a happy person, unlike the two therapists I saw at different points in life.

      I did do one thing differently when I picked a life coach. I decided on the type of person I was looking for. I wanted someone about 50-60 years old and female like me. I wanted someone who instantly understood that it’s a big problem if the snow thrower does not start. She stood in front of her own snow thrower (that her husband uses) and said, “Yep. I get this.” I had googled until I found someone fitting this description. I called her. We had a preliminary meeting to see if we matched up, because not everyone is for everyone. We did, so I proceeded.

      We talked about future based things. In the snow thrower example, she gave her typical response, “okay, let’s build a plan here.” And we came up with several ideas on what I could do if the thrower did not start. This included finding someone nearby with a plow truck and putting their phone number on my fridge. Yes, this is a very simple example but it gives you an idea of how conversations went. I needed some of this hand-holding type help because my world got turned upside down. We talked about overall life plans, too.
      Her main theme there was to be deliberate. Set goals and keep following up. It took a sad time in my life and gave me hope.

  77. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

    Does anyone have any ideas for getting a cat to NOT sleep on their head?

    Apologies if I posted this a few weeks ago (pretty sure I didn’t but a lot has happened!) – but Boy Kitty decided at the end of August that where he really wanted to sleep at night was on the pillow curled around my head. We thought it was a laugh at first, but I am getting really tired of waking up from sleeping on leg bones, or turning over a little too close to the Cat Butt. Its just not right and while he looks like King of the Pillow in the morning, my head gets about 10% of the pillow space. And then last night, super drama when he woke up at 1.15 am and started barfing up food for whatever reason (think he ate too fast) and I somehow managed to hear the beginning of it probably because he was harfing right into my ear at that point), woke up, and got out of the way.

    His sister sleeps the night through at the end of the bed, but keeping the door shut is not an option as she will pester until someone lets her in. And we like having them sleep with us, I just don’t want this living fur hat anymore.

    Has anyone managed to train kitty out of this habit? He does tend to be rather sensitive and needy so I wonder if this was a comfort thing, like the excessive kneading hes taken up in the last two months (we are working on that).

    1. Merci Dee*

      I’ve been using tea tree oil lately to keep my cat from chewing electrical cords (has anyone else noticed that electrical outlets are usually installed at the perfect kitty mouth height?). I have a bottle of oil that doesn’t smell overwhelming to me, but he’s totally repulsed by it. Maybe a bit of tea tree oil dabbed onto a rag or towel that you lay at the top of your pillow. Might be sufficient to keep a cat butt out of your face without scaring them both completely off the bed.

    2. LizB*

      Can you shut the door with girl cat on the inside of it and boy cat on the outside, or would that lead to pestering too?

    3. Clever Name*

      I’ve got a kitty who wants to merge with my face all night. She wants to nuzzle and knead and I just want some damn sleep. I have just moved her away from my face gently, and she’s gotten better. I figure mother cats don’t tolerate all kinds of stuff from their kittens, so I don’t have to either.

    4. Cruciatus*

      I don’t know about the head exactly, and this only has worked with one cat, but I was tired of her sleeping on me or in my way in my bed so I put a box (like a shoe box) on my bed and she gladly slept there and I was able to move her to where she didn’t bother me. She was happy. I was happy. It’s totally depends on the cat’s personality though. This wouldn’t work for my current bed cat who is somehow the only cat not to love boxes. Loves exploring them, but they aren’t for sleeping in. She has to sleep against me in some way and I often wake up stiff because I’ve been unable to move for hours! But maybe you could try a box, or a heated cat bed, his own pillow, or bit of afghan or something elsewhere on the bed and see if that entices the kitty to sleep there.

    5. Sibley*

      Persistence. Basically, you’re dealing with an extremely mobile pre-verbal toddler.
      Push him away. Every time.
      Positive reinforcement when he sleeps elsewhere, like by your side.
      “No” with a gentle shove when he’s in the act of laying down to make him move elsewhere.
      Swat him (don’t actually hurt him of course, but a gentle swat will get the point across).

      But since this is a recent thing, there may be a cause. If this started about the time that it got cold, or you rearranged the house, or something upsetting happened, then some retraining and patience should do it. If not though, a vet trip might be a good idea. Yes, it’s very unhelpful to tell the vet that there’s small behavior changes but everything seems ok… except sometimes that’s the only warning you get.

      Also, keep a close eye on the litterbox and eating habits. Any changes there? If yes, even minor changes, then it’s probably vet time.

      1. Fake old Converse shoes*

        I found that a soft yet firm “no” usually works when establishing boundaries. I’m dealing with a grownup cat that’s behaving like a kitty, and answers back in protest every time I say “no” to her.

    6. Ramona Flowers*

      I have a cat who likes my pillow, especially when I’ve warmed it up first. It is not unusual to return from the toilet to find there’s no room left for me.

      You may have to do some things that make you feel mean. Like moving the pillow – moving mine usually makes the furry pillow imposter get off it in a huff.

      Have at least one spare pillow on hand so you can move the one he’s lying on – right down the bed or off it if needed – and put another in its place.

      Lie, gently, on your cat. This is where your head goes. If he’s on it, your head is going on him. You won’t hurt him if you’re gentle but mine moves pretty quickly if I do this. I do then have to endure wounded looks!

      I actually like having my cat curled round my head but he tends to gradually push me off.

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      These are all awesome ideas folks, much appreciated!

      Last night was pretty good in that I think he only came to sleep on my head for a little bit, otherwise he was curled up next to me or on top of my partner. We’ve been working on eliminating the kneading with a tap on the nose and gently moving the paw and instead redirecting him to laying next to me, not on me, and that seems to be helping a lot.

      Tea tree oil I do have so I will try that (and also on laptop cords with the little girl loves to chew) and also tossing him out when he gets unruly. Partner has NO problem doing that, and Boy Kitty definitely gets the message then. He an also be insistent at the door so keeping her in (and of course she will want to go out just because the door is shut!) and him out is possibly more annoying :) I am also hoping that as it gets colder he will want to sleep in his bed by the radiator.

      No major box changes, we have switched food types a bit and he gets a soft tummy from it once in a while but otherwise appetite is fine and everyone is drinking plenty of water.

      Overall I think we have maybe been a bit too permissive with these two as we felt guilty leaving them at partner’s parents house in Sweden for three years and wanted them to be happy and comfortable with us again when they moved back this summer. For the most part they have settled back in just as they were before, but he’s always been a boundary pusher.

  78. SAHM*

    I’m cranky. Hubs got to go to a Hockey game for our fav team in the suite box for work Thursday. Apparently he talked so much and watched the game tons he didn’t eat any of the *Free Gourmet* food (not the usual stadium stuff) and ended up eating Taco Bell after the game. Now he’s gone to a cabin in the woods somewhere for a team building thing and he’s sending me gorgeous pictures of trees for miles outside his window. Meanwhile I’m cleaning up the trash on my patio from some critter (probably escaping the fires) who tore up a bag of garbage (hubs was *supposed* to take out before he left, sigh) and scattered it everywhere. And I’m putting all three monsters to bed by myself and waking up at O dark thirty bc he gets up normally at that time and let’s the dogs out, so they have to go out THEN and heaven help me if I don’t let them out. They sound like I’m murdering them.

    On the other hand, I’m Really Really thrilled, I mean REALLY, that he’s networking and talking so much he doesn’t eat, and he’s getting all these awesome things to do with his peers who are from all over the world bc corporate is doing a big bruhaha week this week (which also means he’s in Other City Sun-Fri when he gets back from work fun cabin). He’s not a big politicking/corporate ladder climber, so meeting all these guys he’s worked over the years is GREAT! It’s good for him to meet everyone, I think he’s only ever met his US counterpart, who is the nicest, smartest woman, so it’s nice he gets to meet all the guys. I’m just a bit jealous bc he’s working, but it’s fun-working. And while this upcoming week he’s going to be in a TON of meetings, which I know he hates, he’s also going to get wined and dined and lots of fun activities planned throughout the week. While I’m stuck here with the munchkins. Again. Not that I don’t love and adore all my children, but I haven’t even been on a DATE with hubs in over 7 months. He’s been traveling so much, and I’m just … burnt out.

    It’s super tiring to be the one woman show for so long, even though this is my dream, to be able to afford to be a SAHM. He’s given me my dream, and I just feel so ungrateful to be complaining about him having to do work -fun stuff while my baby girl just handed me her dirty diaper she just took off herself. Yay. Gotta go make sure she didn’t smear poop anywhere.

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Me too with the solidarity fistbump. SAHM was also my dream job and I got to do it even when my husband was in grad school. And you’re right, the job is significantly less dreamy when your partner is traveling and it’s just you 24/7. You absolutely should get some sort of real break when he gets back. Don’t discount all the work you’re doing just because it isn’t paid work. After 15 years of this I still feel like I have to do everything at home because Yetaspouse works so hard to support us. But he’d be the first to tell me how unfair that is to me and to him and Yetateen. Hang in there!

      1. SAHM*

        Thanks! I feel so badly for complaining, especially when Hubs doesn’t want to be away from home, but I just needed to vent a bit. Fist bump back atcha!!

    3. JD*

      This reminds me of when my ex was in Vegas for Halloween sending me pics of the party as I was cleaning his dogs poop off the ceiling. Yes the ceiling. You do the math on that one because I am still baffled. Dog got sick obviously. He finally calls me and I lose it. He starts cracking up and I fell to the floor in laughter and tears.

  79. MsChanandlerBong*

    It’s been a tough week. Some of my test results came back abnormal, so my hematologist thinks I may have myeloma in my kidneys. He said we can wait three months and check my labs again; if my M-protein level goes up, I will have to have a kidney biopsy. Worrying about the biopsy is bad enough, but I have stage 3 chronic renal insufficiency, so I am extra worried that the biopsy will cause additional damage and my kidney function will decline even further.

    On top of that, my FIL has been diagnosed with aortic valve stenosis and will be having open-heart surgery on October 23, and my father’s esophageal biopsy came back inconclusive, so now it has to be sent to a GI pathology specialist to determine if it is positive or negative for dysplasia. It’s like our parents hit 60 and just started falling apart.

    To avoid being completely negative, I do have some good news. Some of you may remember that our financial situation was completely awful in 2015 because we moved across the country and then my husband’s original job offer was rescinded because his previous employer refused to provide a reference (they use the Work Number to verify pay rates and dates of employment, but they will not discuss any employee beyond that). Things have improved significantly. We paid off our car, so we longer have a monthly car payment. We are almost done paying off two larger debts. Our credit scores have improved, so we will be able to get a mortgage in the next year or so. We just have to pay off a few more things to get our debt-to-income ratio down to an optimal level.

    1. fposte*

      Yow, Ms. C. That’s a lot of stuff at once. You are getting poked at a lot medically this year; sorry. Glad at least the financial worries have subsided.

    2. nep*

      What a whirlwind — Lots of great stuff, lots of heavy stuff.
      Congratulations on the improvements you’ve achieved in the financial situation. Wishing you all the best with your and your relatives’ health challenges.

  80. Mallory Janis Ian*

    Ugh, my husband chipped a tooth and knocked a couple of teeth loose today while stand up paddle boarding at the white water park. I saw him watching videos this week of a young guy who moved from Hawaii to Colorado and transferred his ocean surfing to whitewater surfing, and now he’s gone and tried it himself. I thought he should go to the ER, but the American Association of Endodontists website says if the teeth are knocked loose, they need to be seen within a few days. I hope he will go in on Monday.

    2. Book Lover*

      The ER probably wouldn’t have done anything anyway. You can usually call your dentist and they will have an emergency line.

    3. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Also, the kids and I have a dentist, but my husband hasn’t been to one in at least twenty years. He has dentist trauma from when his childhood dentist told him, “if you don’t shut up, I’m going to drill a hole in your lip”, and he just won’t go. It’s going to be tough for him to have this seen about, and I hope I can get him to follow through with a visit.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        When I was 16, my dentist called me stupid. I didn’t go to the dentist for a long time, either.

  81. Gantly*

    I’m very lucky to have an SO who is so helpful. We both are working full-time. He makes about twice as much money and has been working FT for much longer than I have.

    But there are still two problems, that are related:

    I’m very fussy about things and he also doesn’t do any of the mental managing. He’ll do hours of chores without blinking, but trying to get him to take something off my mental plate without it creating more work is really getting to me because I end up resentful of what I should be appreciating. I know that the most important step is for me to let go of how I like things done and relax and I am working on that.

    In the meantime, has anyone every had any luck expressing how draining mentally mapping things is? For example: dinner. Because of our work schedules and work, he has more time to make dinner. Basically his job incorporates professional development and his best bet for doing will in his career is doing well in his current job. I’m perpetually in Job Search Mode, am taking some classes, and have a lot of goals for this fall. I cannot start to make any progress in getting out of my underemployment situation unless I work at home in the evenings, and can’t really start my day until 7pm or so.

    So that’s great that he’s putting in so much effort to cook for us. But he still asks what I want to eat every single night and there are at least 10 questions a day on how to cook things. Some of it’s just normal consideration–caring about my preferences. Part of it is how I can be kind of picky about things and he’s adjusting to that. But a lot of it is asking stuff that he could easily look up. But really I do know more about cooking and food prep and when he does look stuff up he just reads the first link he gets and doesn’t really seem to able to tell a recipe that looks good from bad. It’s starting to get me! He also doesn’t get my focussing issues and that if he asks me a question while I’m in the thick of something, if I divert my attention to dinner, that’s probably 8 mins or so gone. It literally would be faster for me to cook, but I don’t want to be that controlling and I don’t want to develop a martyr complex about it.

    I’ll go food shopping and then we’ll have to throw stuff out because it didn’t get eaten because he “didn’t know we had it.” Which I get that he didn’t make the list or go food shopping, but if I have to then give him a tour or a run down of my meal plan or what I bought, I feel drained by that. Like I don’t get why he can’t look at what we have and make a meal plan. I think we’re having a lot of trouble adjusting to the fact that I’m not working part-time or am unemployed and can’t be managing these things. The chore distribution shifting was seamless. But this mental ownership of tasks is not budging.

    1. Anono-me*

      We just wound up saying cooking and shopping and planning all go to the same person.

      This seems like a situation where mail order meal kits would be helpful. Exactly what is needed and step by step instructions. (Also a big box membership store currently has reduced price gift cards for one of them.)

    2. Zathras*

      Can you ask him to read this and then discuss it together?
      https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

      I feel like it’s a great illustration of why doing hours of chores is not enough.

      While he is learning how to be a better cook, you may have to accept that sometimes you will get crappy food. I’m not saying you can’t be honest about whether you liked it, but make sure your feedback is constructive and you’re not evaluating it against what you (the more practiced cook) can do. If you want him to learn to cook you need to give him room to fail. Learning stuff from the internet involves a LOT of trial and error, because there is a lot of conflicting advice. Maybe you can suggest to him to some sites that you think give generally good advice?

      For the meal planing problem, can you plan meals together at the beginning of the week, and then shop for that, so he knows you already have the stuff on hand for what he is going to make?

    3. Sam Foster*

      Try to figure out a way to get the questions out of the way electronically? A simple spreadsheet used to track items and answers might be a good approach? Maybe also set up a “mental ownership meeting” like for one hour each Sunday evening to prep for the whole week?

    4. LizB*

      This takes some work up front, but can you and he sit down and build a list of good recipes that he’s comfortable making so he has a pool to choose from? It sounds like the dishes he’s choosing are outside his cooking comfort zone. Then, give the meal planning and shopping tasks to him. He picks recipes from the list you established, makes a grocery list, and shops for it. It really doesn’t work for one person to meal plan and the other person to cook unless the plan is communicated super clearly, which is just as much work as planning. If you want to make planning super easy, you can have “theme nights” – so, Monday is always a pasta dish, Tuesday is always a salad, Wednesday is always Mexican, etc. Just make sure your recipe list includes enough recipes of each theme that you don’t get bored. (Personally, my theme nights include one “new recipe” theme night so I can keep trying new things that I might want to put into the rotation, but it sounds like he doesn’t have the confidence for that.)

    5. Colette*

      Can you sit down together before you grocery shop and plan your meals? It’ll only be once during the week, and then you’ll buy what you need. I have a friend that does this and it works well for her.

    6. Maya Elena*

      One way I got my SO to make more decisions regarding food is by unequivocally stating that I would eat whatever he picked or made. Your SO’s initiative might fluctuate inversely with the degree to which your pickiness translates into complaints or micromanagement. You can also ask him, point-blank, if this is at all the case.

      Also, once you give him unequivocal autonomy in food matters, allow a couple of months for the training to take effect.

      Finally, the person who cares more- usually the woman- will always do more mental labor; I don’t think there is any way around that. A blog I like called Dr. Psych Mom (written by a practicing psychologist) has ‘of good articles on male-female division of labor that really resonated with me. Consider checking it out!

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      Would you be willing to take on the cooking if he took over a different daily chore? My experience with food stuff is that people who are fluent in the kitchen sometimes assume that novices can always achieve a certain level of competency with just a little time and practice. As one of those novices, I’d gently suggest that you give up on that particular dream. Some people will never be able to look at a recipe and know if it’s good, or suss out the good hacks from the pinterest disasters. I can be of help by cooking frozen food or putting together a recipe that someone else chose. If you make the shopping list, I’ll save you the time by actually going to the store and picking everything up. But I will probably never be able to spontaneously cobble together a grocery list and then cook a from-scratch meal based on the expectations of someone who cares enough to be frustrated when other people aren’t good at that. Just make sure you aren’t telling him with your words that the decisions are up to him while silently getting frustrated that he didn’t somehow magically read your mind and make the choice you wanted him to make.

    8. Yetanotherjennifer*

      It’s really tough when the person who does the shopping isn’t the one cooking. When I go grocery shopping I make a list of the things I can make. It’s not so much a meal plan as an ideas list. I include things that need to be used soon, veggies from the csa, and at least one pantry meal. You could try something like that.

      What if you were to use a menu service? There’s plenty of free ones if money is an issue. Right now I like the one by Cool Mom Eats. If I were to buy one it would be Cooksmarts and I think that would be a good one for your husband because the recipes are simple and healthy and the instructions are pretty basic. You can buy all the ingredients for the menu and he’ll know what you have and what to cook.

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        Even easier would be to develop a two week cycle menu and repeat it until he’s mastered everything and then start adding new dishes.

      2. The IT Manager*

        I honestly doesn’t understand how the person cooking doesn’t know what’s in the fridge/house to cook.

        Is that why he’s asking what you want to eat every night? He doesn’t know what recipes you shopped for.

        I live alone. I make my shopping list by picking recipies and shopping for what’s not in the house. How about you pull out the recipes and do the shopping and then leave the recipes out for him to pick from in the evenings.

        1. nonegiven*

          My husband can look in the fridge or pantry and not see anything that isn’t up front and on top.

    9. Jillociraptor*

      Have you tried asking him what would help solve the problem? In the vein of, “I appreciate it when you handle dinner, but when you interrupt me to ask me lots of questions, I’m unable to focus on what I’m working on, and I need that to change. What do you think we could do?”

    10. Ramona Flowers*

      “Like I don’t get why he can’t look at what we have and make a meal plan”

      No way could I do this. Absolutely no way. It doesn’t come easily to everyone.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Sorry to get hung up on this one point but you mentioned having to give him a tour of your meal plan – if you don’t how is he meant to know what it is? He’s performing against hidden criteria. Could you not write the meal plan down? I don’t quite get that part.

      2. Temperance*

        I really can’t do that, either. I can shop for a meal plan, and I can put together a meal out of stuff in the house, but I cannot look at our refrigerator and map out the week.

    11. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Its been 13 years and this cooking/recipe thing STILL comes up in our house too. I do the cooking and shopping based on a meal plan I have come up with after looking in the fridge to see what needs using up. Hes fine with that and can cook almost anything if he has the recipe. Unfortunately I still get questions because he knows I have “ways of doing things” and just wants to please, even if it gets annoying to answer for the 10th time an easy question about quiche since he damn well knows how to make one!

      What we do is split the cooking – if its something I know to make off the top of my head, or a recipe that may require a lot of alterations/subs that would take too long to explain to him, I plan to do that on my cooking days (Tuesday and maybe Thursday). If its from an easy recipe or something he is good at (meatballs, meat in general, fish) we plan those for his days (Monday and Wednesday). I ensure he has access to the recipe (via email or the shared google docs master list) and point out ingredients in the fridge and cupboard at the start of the week. He wants to help and cook so I can go to the gym and stay sane, but sometimes I swear there is a bit of learned helplessness going on :)

      The other approach you could try is once a week or once a month cooking – cook easy to freeze stuff in big portions on the weekend and then freeze/keep in fridge and then you just pull that out. It may cut down on waste and ensure food is done right with minimal hassle during the week. What we have done is I will do the recipe selection and grocery shopping as usual, but assign him the prep work – cutting up vegetables, washing salad, cooking taco meat, etc. After he does that then I take over and put things together, but its defined work that has a visible outcome a dude can power through without much thought. That does help even if you aren’t bulk cooking because it cuts down prep time during the week, but he will also know what you have in the fridge.

      It can take work up front, but planning during the weekend is pretty key to ensure things run smooth during the week. I don’t think he knows how much mental space this can take up, but I have tried to streamline on my end by having go-to recipes and ensuring the meal plan fits into capabilities. And it can be frustrating that it always has to be you to do the higher level thought on this, but remember that he wants to help, so try and be accepting of that help and find the best ways to channel it.

    12. Elkay*

      As someone who had a very similar heated debate about this yesterday you have my sympathy. There’s lots of articles on emotional labour which may or may not be helpful but from a practical standpoint if you’ve got a meal plan then put it in a place you can both access it (we use Google Keep). We’ve agreed on a think before asking approach, you might think that I know the date for something but if you have a method for finding it (i.e. the join calendar or opening a cupboard) then use that method first. I’m not entirely sure what things are on your plate that you want him to take on but unfortunately the only way for him to know is for you to tell him. It’s not easy but I think the only thing he can do is try to wean himself off relying on you.

    13. Overeducated*

      I think having you do the shopping, him do the meal planning based on that, and being concerned that he’s not finding high quality recipes is a bad combination because it presupposes too much cooking knowledge on his part. I do all meal planning and most of the cooking in our house, and I find it harder to plan when the ingredients aren’t up to me. I don’t think its realistic to pick the foods, but stop short of deciding what to make, and expect someone who doesn’t cook well to identify high quality vs just ok or iffy recipes and techniques. (My husband is shopping off of my list now, so I get the extra hour and a half at home, which is why I am ok doing the planning part.)

      Ideas: maybe you could ask him to make the meal plans AND a grocery list based on a specific trusted cookbook or website. That way he will use quality recipes and know what food is around because he picked it. Or if you want to shop and decide on groceries, you could also ask him to follow a “Real Simple” type planning strategy, e.g. one day pasta, one day tacos, one day stir fry, or something each week, so he would just be slotting them into different combinations that follow the same pattern each week. Then if he says “what should I make?” You can say “I dunno, its soup night, make a soup.”

      But if you want him to find recipes for your ingredients and figure out technique on his own, you have to let him rely on the internet and figure out what’s good by trial and error. It might be annoying or bad sometimes but that’s how a lot of us learn to cook and it’s probably better than bothering you to be sure he gets it right.

      Good luck, it sounds like you have a ton on your plate.

    14. Temperance*

      OP, I think you both need to give a little on this one. I couldn’t tell you what in the refrigerator is going bad, and I couldn’t make a meal plan based on something that someone else bought. I understand that you have a lot going on, but I think this is a situation that you need to work on together.

      I think you need to sit down, together, on the weekend and discuss meal planning for the week. We do something like this, although more relaxed because we swap cooking. (“We need to use the steak and the carrots for something, they’re going bad” is how we start the conversation.)

    15. bunniferous*

      There are online meal plans you can purchase that give you a shopping list to go with. Sounds like that might be a compromise?

      But yeah, right now you are playing to his weakness, not his strength. You could also maybe pull out what you want fixed first thing in the morning (example, meat to thaw, veggies, etc) put in a special area in the fridge or make a short list in the MORNING when you are fresher maybe?

    16. Christy*

      If he’s the cook, then he needs to be the meal planner. I truly don’t understand how people just buy standard food at the grocery store and then decide day by day what to make. How do y’all not constantly waste food? You can be the one to buy the food, but he should make a meal plan and a grocery list. That’s how my wife and I split it–I shop and she does the rest. It would be impossible for us to split up the planning and the cooking. I make suggestions on the menu but she has final say.

  82. nep*

    The Biloxi school district pulls To Kill a Mockingbird from its curriculum. I find this quite disheartening and disturbing.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Saw that. People are so, ugh. A subhead on an article on Twitter said “the book’s language makes people uncomfortable.” And someone tweeted “THAT IS THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THE BOOK!” :P

      My goal in life as a writer is to get on the American Library Association’s list of banned books. I’d be in good company, wouldn’t I? ;)

      1. nep*

        Excellent company.
        Yes — that’s the line I saw too…some of the language makes people uncomfortable. UGH.
        It speaks volumes (and none of it good) that administrators would make this move. Very disturbing indeed. And just plain sad.

        1. bunniferous*

          Southern culture does not do well with *uncomfortable*. Definitely a regional flaw, among a few others.

    3. Temperance*

      It’s such an important book. My nerdy little heart hopes that the kids get excited about it because they school won’t let them read it, so they all devour it secretly. At least, that’s how I did things as a junior nerd. lol

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Telling teenagers they aren’t allowed to do something is generally a great way to get them to do it.

      2. nep*

        Yes. It’s an important and beautiful book.
        I hope you’re right. The little rebels.
        (I’ll be interested to find out exactly what went down here…who (and how many) were the voices wanting it out of the curriculum, etc. It doesn’t sound like there was a lot of discussion/debate about it. But I don’t know the details.)

    4. LCL*

      I loved but it is kind of dated. The African American characters lacked agency; I know it was the Times but I hope it is taught alongside a more modern work.

  83. Elizabeth West*

    I got a new washer on Wednesday–the old one dumped its ancient guts all over the kitchen floor last weekend. Turned it on, took a step toward the hamper, and found myself standing in a lake of soapy water. Ergh! So I went to Lowe’s and got a not-too-expensive Maytag, nothing fancy (though just being new, it’s a little fancy). It’s louder than my old washer but the tub is bigger. It has a button to turn it on, pause it, and cancel the load (haha, I find the last one hilarious somehow), a cleaning cycle, and an auto-sensing feature so I don’t have to guess at the water level. Yay!

    *sigh* And my escape fund is down to the amount where I cannot touch it anymore, and it’s nowhere near enough to escape on. :(

    I shall now spend the rest of the month getting ready for NaNoWriMo. I’m going to use it to blast out the Tunerville sequel, known hereafter as Book Two. While simultaneously re-writing in Tunerville after an independent edit (by LizCat! from here! :D ) And looking for/hopefully having a new job. I should be a complete wreck by the end of November, LOL.

  84. Dr. KMnO4*

    On the way home from the Gigs for Digs event in Detroit. Mayer Hawthorne played there tonight! It was awesome. Open bar with Strongbow Gold was nice as I’m not driving. This charity furnishes houses for homeless people. Very cool.

  85. Mallory Janis Ian*

    I am sitting vigil with my older cat (not the one from my earlier post about tail-chasing and hissing; that’s Jessamina). My other cat, Sophie, is almost nineteen years old, and I think she may pass away tonight or tomorrow. She has been wanting me to stay right next to her, and she’s had a couple of seizures. I’ve been giving her water on my finger and petting her. She’s sitting right against my leg and purring. We got her when my daughter was two, and my daughter will be twenty-one soon. My son is seventeen, so we’ve had Sophie his whole life. He has been crying a lot this evening to know that Sophie’s time is close, but I think he feels good knowing that I will stay beside her tonight.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, I’m glad you can be there with her. It sounds like she’s had a good long life and been much loved.

    2. Rogue*

      I know this is rough. I’m so sorry. *hugs* its good you can be there with her and be able to comfort her.

    4. Julia*

      That’s so rough. I still vividly remember when my cat’s time on this earth was coming to a close, and how devastated I was. Oddly enough, I felt a little better after she was actually gone, because I knew she wasn’t suffering anymore. I still miss her, though.

      May they play together in cat heaven. I’m really sorry.

    5. Amadeo*

      Ugh, I’m sorry. My elder is also nineteen, will be 20 in February (and we may actually yet reach that) and I dread this. Is it a terrible thing to hope that we’ll just come home from work one day and find her curled up in her favorite sleeping position and gone? I would take her and have her PTS if I needed to (it’s not quite time for that yet though), but that’s an agonizing decision, I know from experience.

      I’m glad that she’s able to sit with you and purr while you wait for the end.

    6. Mallory Janis Ian*

      My cat passed away this evening while we were out of the house. I sat with her last night for about three hours, and she wanted that. This morning i sat with her for about twenty minutes, and then she slipped away from me and went behind a large framed picture that was propped against the wall. she wanted to be alone, so I checked on her periodically. She didn’t want any water or food or pets; she really just wanted to be alone.

      She never had a final illness or anything, just old age and decline. She was an indoor/outdoor cat, and she stopped going outside except for brief forays every couple of weeks or so. She started staying in one end of her rooms two or three days ago, so I knew her time was close. Then last night she wanted me to sit and sit with her and constantly pet her, so I thought she would pass either last night or this morning. She passed around six p.m. this evening, and I’m glad that we had the hours I spent last night giving her comfort and love.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        I’m sorry for your loss. It sounds as if both of you were able to give and receive love almost until the end of her life.

  86. New Bee*

    (Only slightly work-related). I was scrolling through AAM waiting for a meeting to start, and my coworker peeked over my shoulder and said, “Hey I used to work for her [Alison]!”

    Very random since I’m on the opposite coast and in a different field–what’s your most unique “six degrees of separation” story?

    3. Turtlewings*

      I am some degree of cousins with Hank Williams, Jr. His mother (Hank Sr.’s wife) was my grandmother’s first cousin.

    4. SL #2*

      My cousin-in-law is good friends with Daniel Wu (very popular Chinese actor and star of Into the Badlands) and went to his wedding in Hong Kong.

      That same cousin-in-law’s brother-in-law is a Grammy Award-winning producer/engineer who’s worked with Paramore, Jimmy Eat World, and Ziggy Marley, to name a few. I’m sure there are plenty more credits to his name.

    5. Effie, who is herself, and is moving forward without self judgement*

      My coworker set me up on a blind date with her boyfriend’s good friend who, it turned out, went to the same high school as Dianna Agron (of Glee fame). (I found out on the date, that is not the reason I agreed to go out with him)

    6. London Calling*

      My late aunt’s neighbour was Paul McCartney’s son’s father in law – so the Beatles AND the Queen! is that six degrees or just too many? hope not because it’s my only claim to fame.

    7. Mallory Janis Ian*

      My grandparents both grew up with Johnny Cash in Dyess, Arkansas. My grandpa and all my grandma’s brothers liked him and had been varying degrees of friends and/or friendly growing up, but my grandma thought he was a mean little turd and it made her mad that he got famous.

    8. nep*

      Not so much six degrees of separation, but small world — One day I’m interviewing a government official in let’s just say an African country and he pauses at one point and says: “Did you used to live in Washington, DC?”
      We’d occasionally hang out in DC some 20 years earlier.

    10. Red Reader*

      At one point, my ex and I were on a vacation from where we lived in Seattle to Ireland. We were out at this little tiny portal tomb in the middle of nowhere, like we’d had to climb over a (stile?) and walk a marked path through two or three cattle pastures to get there, and while we were waiting for the local school group to clear out so we could look in, one of the other tourists on top of the hill who was waiting came over and asked me if I was (my old Livejournal username). Turns out that she and I had been to several parties together, back in Michigan where I’d lived ten years before, but never really hung out one-on-one. (I guess that’s less a 6 degrees story and more small-world, huh. Oh well. :) )

      1. Overeducated*

        That happened to me in Ireland too – it was my first day being there on my own for several months (after a few months in another country, not straight from home), I was feeling awfully lonely and sorry for myself, and I literally heard someone say my name in a public place, turned around, and it was a friend from college who lived halfway across the country then but happened to be visiting. It felt like a miracle!

      2. LAM*

        When my dad took me and my brother to Hawaii we went to the part where lava from an active volcano flowed over the road. We hiked from the road out to where you could see it still flowing into the ocean…. And ran into my dad’s co-worker who was in Hawaii for her honeymoon.

    12. the gold digger*

      The grandniece of my Peace Corps friends Joe and Joyce (he died a year ago, she is now a happy 93 year old widow who loved her wonderful husband but is living alone and doing what she wants for the very first time in her life) is married to Robert Downey Jr. Susan (the grandniece) and Robert named their little boy after Joe’s made-up (he made it up himself) middle name, Exton. It’s so weird to think of Robert visiting my friends at the modest little house they built themselves 60 years ago and walking down to the lake with the little boy to fish!

    13. Elizabeth West*

      Ha, that’s weird! I have a couple.

      My sister used to work with Kathy Griffin’s brother.

      I had a crush on a celebrity a few years ago (stupid!), and then he got married. The day they announced their engagement, I found out one of my friends had worked with his wife. I was only two degrees away the entire time. >_<

      Another friend's brother-in-law's cousin is married to Bear McCreary (film composer for Battlestar Galactica, The Walking Dead, et al). Friend met him at her sister's wedding.

      1. HannahS*

        Oooh Bear Mcreary (in addition to having an awesome name) did a great job on BSG. I think he does the music for Outlander, too.

    14. HannahS*

      My aunt’s friend knew Alan Rickman. It’s a sad connection in my mind, because the only way I know about it is that Rickman spoke at her son’s funeral about ten years ago.

    15. Not So NewReader*

      It does not involve famous people. My aunt and I were in PA on vacation, waiting for a lecture to start. We were talking about her sister, my other aunt as we waited. The people behind us leaned forward to introduce themselves, they were former neighbors of my other aunt. They knew who we were talking about. ha!

    18. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      A classmate dated the Ezra Fitz character from Pretty Little Liars. After graduation he broke up with her to pursue his acting career in Hollywood :/. But it’s ok bc she met someone else and they have a baby now.

    19. JD*

      Every man I have ever seriously dated knows/friends with Patrick Dempsey. Now if only I could date Patrick instead. haha. Luckily due to this I have met him numerous times but just crazy they have all known him. None of these men I dated knew each other, or worked in the same industry or anything.

    20. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Currently the coolest ones are that 1) I went to the same high school as Lin-Manuel Miranda (although about 10 years before he did), and 2) my dad was very good friends with Louis D’Esposito’s dad; Louis produces a lot of the Marvel movies and TV shows.

      As for direct brushes, I actually got to spend a few hours with Estee Lauder, who was an incredibly sweet, nice woman. Her son Leonard had her personality, while her son Ron….was pretty much the opposite. Also, I was friends with Soon-Yi Previn’s roommate when the scandal hit the news; she was (understandably) pretty withdrawn, so I left her alone. Also, if anyone is familiar with 80s graffiti, I went to school and hung out a bit with SANE/SMITH, or at least one of them, Dave Smith…Dave was an INCREDIBLE artist, and a really nice, thoughtful guy. Unfortunately, he was found dead in Flushing Bay at 22, and no one really knows what happened.

    21. Amadeo*

      The newspaper where I worked 5 years ago employed John Malkovich’s sister. He never came in while I was there, but I’d been told stories about the times he would come and pay a visit.

    22. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      When I was about 9ish my parent’s friends’ adult daughter (hope you followed that) dated Stedman Graham briefly (prior to his relationship with Oprah Winfrey) and I went to Disneyland with friend’s daughter, Stedman and his daughter Wendy (who was around my age at the time). I only know this because my mom mentioned it decades later and showed me a photo of all of us at Disneyland. My mind was blown.

  87. Sibley*

    Gotta love it when the weather doesn’t cooperate. I need 1 dry day so I can finish painting the garage. Instead, it’s raining for about 24 hours this weekend, meaning even if it’s not raining, the garage is wet so I can’t paint. Maybe next weekend.

  88. SL #2*

    Tinder updates! Last week I posted about reactivating the app and taking it one step at a time and some of you guys responded; I’m not desperate to find a partner but I’m having fun with the actual social aspect of the app. I’ve been talking on and off with this one guy all week and it’s going really, really well, which is a pleasant surprise. I was pretty sure I’d have to sift through a lot of duds before finding someone I actually want to meet IRL, but now I’m wondering when we can get to that part!

    1. Effie, who is herself, and is moving forward without self judgement*

      That’s great! Don’t get too invested before you meet up (easier said than done, I know). Good luck!

      1. SL #2*

        Haha, getting too invested isn’t even possible at this point because I don’t think we’ll be able to meet IRL at least until November because I’m in and out of town the next few weeks. But he’s been good at picking up the conversation and apologizing when it took him a couple days to respond, which is a good sign, I think! I am cautiously hopeful, I think is the best to describe it.

    2. rj*

      I just deactivated tinder because I’ve gone on a few dates with someone nice from Tinder. I want people with the same political leanings that I do and I live in a state that’s much more conservative than I am … even with that, it’s working out. I encourage you to meet up with someone eventually. (I mean, stranger from the internet, grain of salt).

  89. Ramona Flowers*

    More on mental health: I stopped my EAP therapy after two sessions. We decided this jointly because we’d resolved the specific issue I went for (coping skills for a particular trigger). However I also had other reasons – there were some logistical issues I could have worked out, but the fact I didn’t want to told me this wasn’t the right fit. And while she was validating and helpful and otherwise good-enough, she never started on time. In therapy, there are particular ways in which this matters. In general I just didn’t feel I had anything else to talk to her about, when I definitely do have things I want to talk about. And if I’m honest she drove me slightly mad offering session times that didn’t quite fit my requirements.

    But she helped me at this time, and I needed someone near work as I couldn’t figure out working from home right then without missing things I wanted or needed to be present for. So this was a success, to a point – it helped me right then.

    At first they accidentally matched me with someone near home not work and I’m trying to remind myself that I couldn’t have made that work at the time without getting very stressed, and not torture myself with what-ifs.

    Instead I am making an action plan for myself, which is to see how things go while also earmarking one day to WFH and planning my schedule around that – so if needs be I can call back and ask to see someone at home instead. (I work in London and live some way outside it.) And also to let myself be in the grey and recognise that it’s possible both to consider this helpful and useful to a point but also decide not to continue.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      Well, writing all that out made me realise I’m actually quite upset and need to arrange something near home sooner rather than later, so I called the EAP again and am waiting for them to ring back.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Sorry to hold an entire conversation with myself (not that it’s entirely unusual) but the EAP were lovely and are rematching me with someone local – and they have said they can include weekends in the availability which I didn’t even know was an option.

      I am trying to remind myself that it’s okay to try something and find it wasn’t right and I don’t need to beat myself up…….

      1. nep*

        Terrific that you contacted them and that they were lovely and helped you arrange something.
        Often I’ll post on AAM and it turns into a much-needed conversation with myself. That process can indeed be very helpful.
        All the best.

    1. Anono-me*

      I’m so sorry to here that. Some weeks, the only thing good about them is that tomorrow is Sunday. I hope it is the start of a much better week for you.

    3. The IT Manager*

      I’m sorry to hear that.

      Is this helpful? I had a terrible month starting with my gf breaking up with me followed by illness and accident leading to three doctors visits and prescription medicine. I am recovering from everything and feeling much better now, though, I hope you can feel better soon too.

  91. Aurora Leigh*

    I know I’m a little late, but wanted to share . . . We got a puppy!!

    Adopted him from the local shelter on Friday!

    He is an adorable mix breed solid black boy with huge ears! He’s mostly German Shepherd, we think, but also has some Rhodesian Ridgeback (it looks like he has a little Mohawk on his back).

    He’s only about 5 months old, but he just so amazingly perfect! He’s so calm and well mannered and very smart. He’s also great with the cat!
    And his first day he met some rather unruly small children and wasn’t fazed at all.

    He came North from a shelter in Texas that was affected by Harvey to make space for dogs that might be reunited with their owners after the storm.

    Boyfriend and I have spent the whole weekend showing him off!

  92. Mazzy*

    Yahoo – did a 5K, and I actually did better than last year! I thought the results would be the same or worse with age. I did 26:40 last year and 23:55 this year. I didn’t exercise more, but I did start eating healthier this year.

  93. Sled dog mama*

    Ugh, hubs is headed out for a two week trip on Monday, MIL is here to help with the kid for the first week. She’s been here 19 hours and I’m already about to scream. She insists on commenting on the blinding obvious. “Oh look your neighbors house is for sale.” Yep, was when you were here a month ago too, and it’s not like I drive by the sign every single day.
    Hubby also told me that she mentioned she wishes I would do more around the house when she’s here helping but I guarantee that when we sit down to figure out who’s cooking when she will say oh but you have to work I don’t want you to cook so much and she will do any laundry or or things while I’ve at work so there’s nothing for me to do.

    2. PlantLady*

      You have my sympathy. One day with my MIL is all I can take before the urge to claw my face off sets in.

  94. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    1) A neighbor’s cat got lost in the apt last week. No sign of cat. Doors are heavy which means it only could’ve stayed in its apartment or…jumped 3 stories into a bush? :/ Any similar tales? Outcomes?

    2) Gradients. Nmom taped a small child’s mouth shut briefly to stop misbehaving/saying “yah” instead of “yes”. My coworkers are horrified and I can’t trust her with my own future kids because I know she’ll do far far worse. But knowing my cousins, they’d laugh it off. What is horrifying to society is normal to them. How do you approach this?

    3) I saw a blog of a lady wearing a “practice engagement ring”–a lovely topaz ring to get used to the idea of having a ring on that finger before she actually got engaged. Has anyone done similar–wear a ring there to get used to wearing eventually, an e-ring? Or doing so, so that you wouldn’t be sticking out like a sore thumb at work the day after getting engaged for example? (I’m very anti-limelight, having grown up under extreme microscope of nmom nightmares)….

    1. Overeducated*

      1) yikes. A friend came home last night to her roommate having “lost” her cat, in a major city, I hope it turns up.

      3) This seems silly to me. You don’t really have to get used to a ring to wear a ring, and non-diamond engagement rings are so common now (mine is ruby!) that I think people at work would ask if you’d gotten engaged no matter what kind of ring appears on the ring finger if they noticed at all. It would have the opposite effect of avoiding the limelight.

    3. Lily Evans*

      1 is my worst nightmare! My cat is small and black and loves hiding in places she shouldn’t. I’ve found her behind a fridge, inside a kitchen cabinet, in a hole in the wall that used to be a dumbwaiter. Just the other night she disappeared and I was freaking out, fortunately she’d just snuck into my roommates’ room as they were going to bed. I was very relieved she hadn’t disappeared into the night somehow, but embarrassed about waking my roommates up! I have heard a story about a cat clawing through a window screen and jumping out, fortunately the cat was fine, but it can happen. Unfortunately, cats also like to hide when they’re close to dying. I hope that’s not the case for your neighbor.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      1) Someone may have taken it in?

      2) I wouldn’t approach it. I would think of it as “I am confident in my own knowledge of the situation and that has to be enough for me.” We can’t make the horse drink the water. The horse has to want to drink the water. When your cousins decide they want to adjust their stance then you will know you can talk with them. And yes, you cannot leave your kids alone with your mother. I never would have either. It’s good that you know that now.

      3) Practice engagement rings? Maybe others would like it. But it does not sound like anything that would be of interest to me. If the real question is how to push attention away from your engagement ring, you can craft some go-to sentences during some quiet time and then use those sentences in real life when the situation arises.

    5. PlantLady*

      1. One of my cats led me on quite the hunt for him last week until I discovered that he’d torn the liner (it has a name, but I don’t know what it is) on the underside of the couch just enough to let him create his own little kitty cocoon inside the couch. He was NOT happy when I stapled the fabric back up. We also had a cat who liked to climb inside the back of the recliner. Eventually she’d get tired of her spot and we would hear this phantom meowing coming from inside the chair. My point being…cats can figure out hiding places you’d never think of.

      1. Amadeo*

        Yes. I found The Elder before she was The Elder behind the microwave in one of my apartments once. I came home to plaintive crying and had to do the move around the room and listen thing in order to locate her. I have NO IDEA how she got back there, but she was sure convinced she couldn’t get out on her own.

    6. FDCA In Canada*

      You don’t need to practice wearing a ring to wear a ring. You’ll get used to it very quickly. And frankly, just because it’s not a diamond doesn’t mean people won’t think it’s an engagement ring. Many of us don’t even have diamond rings. And if you don’t want to attract attention, rather than practice wearing a ring, practice saying “Thanks! We’re so excited. How are you?” and deflecting it instead of obsessing that you’ll stick out.

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      If you just want to get used to wearing rings at all, get a $5 ring from Forever21 that fits your middle or pointer finger.

  95. I hate blind dates*

    Can I vent for a minute? A friend of mine set me up on a blind date with one of her husband’s friends. I am looking for a relationship but I haven’t had any luck since my last relationship ended. It’s been 2 years since it ended and I haven’t had any luck since then. The blind date was a complete disaster. The friend ended up leaving early because I am not his “type”. I’m fat. I know I am fat. It’s not a secret. It is okay to say I am fat. I found out afterward that my friend had only shown him head shots or pictures where my body is not visible. She thought he would “like my personality” and that it would be enough. I am upset with my friend (and her husband) for being dishonest with both me and his friend (his friend about what I look like and lying about my weight and me by not telling me he had not seen my full body). And I am upset with him for being so shallow and not even giving it a chance (even though I know everyone has the right to be attracted to whoever they want and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a shallow person anyways). Thanks for listening.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      That’s horrible. Not only was he shallow but also rude! He can’t just stay the whole date, because he can’t waste another hour or two on someone he considers not his “type”? Ugh.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Ugh that’s awful :(

      I had a bad blind date years ago. The dude actually busted out a calculator (this was before smart phones) to figure out how much we all owed on the check at a family restaurant (we were out with another couple).

    3. Nicole*

      I’m sorry it didn’t work out but is it really shallow to want to be with someone you find attractive? It’s possible your weight had nothing to do with it. In the past I’ve found myself attracted to both thin and heavy guys and for me it was a combination of looks and personality. I’m not saying this person isn’t shallow, I just think it’s usually a combination of things that determines whether or not we click with another person. Also, I do wish you luck finding your person! I know how frustrating the search can be.

      One more thing – I met someone online who had, for the lack of a better way of phrasing things, a messed up eye and he kept it secret until we met in person because he wanted me to get to know him first. We ended up dating three years so it worked out. Maybe your friends were doing something similar? In other words I’m sure they meant well unless this guy had told them that overweight women were a deal breaker for him or something. And in that case he is shallow for sure because you really never know what you might find attractive. My only deal breaker, for instance, was smoking since I can’t stand the smell.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I think that would be the last time these friends set me up. I would be hesitant to trust their judgement again.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Yeah, I seriously wonder about their taste in friends. I know it might not help much now, I hate blind dates, but it sounds like you dodged a bullet.

    5. Anon attorney*

      That sucks on all levels. It’s not pleasant to be rejected in that particular way and it was really unkind of your friends to set you up for such an experience. Well meaning but fundamentally clueless people are so annoying. I’d also be pissed at the friend for concealing my body type in the first place, because the very act of doing so implies you are in some way unacceptable. Your friend needs to get a clue but I’m sorry you had such a bad experience.

    6. Merci Dee*

      I saw an interesting video about something like this just this week.

      A couple of guys did an experiment with online dating after finding out that women’s biggest fear was being murdered by a serial killer, while men’s biggest fear was ending up with a woman who’s fat. They took an attractive woman and man and put them in fat suits and makeup to add about 100 pounds to their appearances.

      The woman had 4 dates, and only 1 of the guys stayed for more than 15 minutes. 1 guy wouldn’t even sit down, 1 guy immediately went to the bathroom and ghosted.

      Things went much better for the guy. All 4 of his dates hung around, laughed and had a good time. He even got a smooch from one of them. None of the women ditched him within minutes of meeting him, even though they weren’t expecting someone of his “size”.

      To put it mildly, I wasn’t at all surprised about the results of the experiment.

    7. Anon anon anon*

      Ew. No. It’s one thing to decide you’re not attracted to someone. You don’t have to tell them so and then get up and leave. That’s yucky.

      If you’re going on a date with someone you’ve never met in person, isn’t it kind of a given that physical attraction might not be there? What about just getting to know the person? Whatever happened to that?

      That guy sounds like a real jerk, but I guess the way it was set up was part of the issue. Ugh. I don’t understand people.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Agreed. Unless their demeanor is egregiously disgusting, it’s good manners to stay through the date. Even if you’re not physically attracted to the person, it’s possible you could still be friends.

        I always want to tell people who like to play matchmaker
        1) just because two people are single doesn’t mean they’ll get along; that’s not enough of a qualifier.
        2) you shouldn’t fix up folks unless you know them well enough to figure they WILL get along and that nobody is an asshole.
        3) do not fricking misrepresent them to each other or leave stuff out. Gah.

    8. Stellaaaaa*

      Ugh, that’s one of the many reasons I don’t let my friends set me up anymore. Your friend sold both you and the guy short – she ensured that the guy would feel deceived by her description of you, and she set you up with a guy who she knew wouldn’t be interested in you.

  96. Applesauced*

    AUSTIN – I’ve posted in other open threads about my husband and I wanting to leave New York and looking for a new city. His favorite right now is Austin, and we’re going to check it out next week. I’m hesitant about it – on paper, it has like 90% of what we’re looking for (affordable, good jobs for both of us, good access to outdoor activities) but also has some things I know I won’t like (heat, much more driving than I want (we’ll be a one car family, so one of us will need to get by without a car), heat, more sprawling that what I (from the Northeast) think of as “city,” heat).

    Suggestions for what to do while we’re there to see if we can live there?
    Suggestions of potential neighborhoods to consider as 30somethings who are looking for a “stretecar suburb” (like Brookline to Boston, brownstone Brooklyn, Hawthorne in Portland)

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I’d practice the commutes while you’re visiting, but also just talk to people there, especially folks who didn’t grow up there. What was the hardest thing for them to adjust to? What pleasantly surprised them? What do they like best/least about living in Austin? How has it changed in the time they’ve lived there?

      I don’t know how old you are or if you’re trying to find a place to settle down. Just as a perspective, though, a few years ago, my spouse and I decided to move across the country (San Francisco to New England). We thought it would be a permanent move. We stayed for two years, and then moved back to SF.

      Not saying you should take moving to a place lightly (the move process sucked… both times), but you also may not be signing your life away to Austin, just because you move there.

      1. Applesauced*

        Yeah…. he’s never lived outside NYC so is itching for a change, I’ve been here for 10 years but grew up somewhere else.
        I’m hoping to only move (cities) once – rent for a few years and if we like it, buy a house and settle down.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Also, since this potential move seems to be mainly what your husband wants, and you’re getting little out of it, is there something else he can compromise with you on?

    3. bunniferous*

      If you do not get enough input here this would be worth coughing up five bucks for an account at Metafilter. Their AskMetafilter page (on the site) would give you a ton of info, probably from folks that live there NOW and it would be detailed. Best place on the internet to get a whole range of questions answered, besides here, of course.

    4. Paul*

      The traffic and infrastructure is awful, just heads up. It has exploded in the last 10 years or so and the infastructure hasn’t kept up at all.

      BBQ for days and a good music scene though if y’all like that, and you’re relatively close to some cool outdoors stuff–try out the Balcones Canyonlands if you can, they’re fun. And Perdanales Falls is cool, and there’s actually been rain this year so the falls should look good.

      You can also kayak at least parts of the Colorado River and Lady Bird Lake in Austin.

      Affordable I guess is relative; by Texas standards it’s pricey but if you’re in NYC right now it’s not as expensive as that.

      It *is* the state capitol which means you’re near politicians entirely too often.

      6th Street gets a lot crazy for my taste but if you like bar hopping and parties, it’s good for that.

      The Blanton Museum is good for western and Latin American art if you like that–haven’t tried to others in Austin.

      1. bibliovore*

        Really surprised how well I have adjusted to Minneapolis Saint Paul after spending most of my life in NYC. We were one car because I didn’t know how to drive. Good jobs, great quality of life, lots if out of doors things to do. Depending where you land decent public transit. Affordable.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      Try to get some insight into what it’s like to live in Austin during SXSW. I live near a small city that does a bunch of art/music festivals and a whole bunch of big events year-round, and after a while all of the tourist-magnet stuff becomes a drain on the people who actually live there. And I’m an artsy person myself! It just becomes lousy really quickly when the people who are paying to live in a fun city end up not being able to enjoy their home because the traffic and parking suck, or the street you live on gets blocked off or whatever.

  97. anon this time*

    I wrote in a couple of weeks ago about how my estranged father was recently diagnosed with cancer–thanks to everyone who answered. My question this week is about what I can do to support my mother who has taken on basically all responsibility for him, despite the fact that they are separated–he’s now living with her, and she’s doing all of his cooking and cleaning, looking after all of his medical appointment, paying for everything, etc, while working full-time. It’s really stressful and I’m worried about her health.

    He has other family members who I think could be doing a lot more to help (i.e. they have done basically nothing), but I suspect as long as she keeps on taking care of everything, they’ll be content to stay out of it. Part of the issue is that none of them live in the same city, so it’s not as easy for them to do some of the same things–they can’t take him to appointments or anything like that. I also don’t live in the same city, I’m about 4 hours away.

    I was hoping that some of you who have been in a similar situation might be able to offer some advice about what I can do to try to get other relatives to step up (and some ideas about what they can do to help from afar) and what you think would be helpful for me to do. Thanks!

    1. I get that*

      How to get them to do it I don’t know but if you can get them to kick in money to hire someone to come in a few hours a week to give your mother a break would be good.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Just my experience there are one or two that help, everyone else goes on with their life.
      I think the best thing you can do is encourage your mother to look for outside resources for help, such as free medical rides, maybe there is a meals on wheels in her area, and so on.
      So that is my best advice, plan that no one helps and what will she do next. Perhaps she has a church she belongs to and they may help with things that she cannot find help with elsewhere.

      I had an aunt who was taking care of her dying husband, like you she lived hours away from me. We called or emailed daily. Basically, I would ask what is going on today. And we would talk about the good, the bad and the hurdles. When my husband got sick she did the same for me. It was nice to have someone say “So, what’s up today.”

    3. Temperance*

      I think if you could help her identify some alternate resources for help, it would be a good start. Not knowing your dad at all, I’m sure he’s not going to ask them for help because your mother is doing everything for him. He can Uber to appointments if he can’t drive himself (for example), and not knowing how sick he is …. he could be helping her or living at his own home.

      My MIL is the sole caregiver to her demanding, elderly parents and basically a third parent to her granddaughter. I tried to offer some advice on resources to ease her burden, and it didn’t work. We were met with requests to spend one weekend/month giving her respite and to send money, neither of which work for us. (Their son, his RN wife, and 4 adult daughters live within a mile. We’re 2.5 hours away by car.) I’m scared that she’s killing herself, but her resolution isn’t workable.

  98. Gloucesterina*

    I will be visiting Montreal (and actually Canada) for the very first time next week to attend a conference, and I’ll be bringing my almost-three-year old son and partner with me. Any ideas you can share about must-see and/or kid-friendly attractions in Montreal proper or accessible by public transport from the city?

    1. Colette*

      The Biodome is cool – 4 different habitats, with birds, reptiles, and penguins, which technically are also birds.

      There is a science center at the old port – it’s a bit of a walk from the subway but you pass through the old part of the city on the way, which is interesting.

  99. nep*

    Whatever James Corden’s job is (or jobs are), he must be fired.
    Ass.
    (I didn’t even know of the guy before today — but I now know enough about him to call him an ass and worse.)
    Rant over.

    2. fposte*

      He’s always been kind of a snorty little buffoon; I was surprised that he seemed to manage to put some of that behind him when he came to the U.S. Guess he returned to his roots.

    3. Ron McDon*

      I have never liked James Corden – he always struck me as a mean-spirited, nasty person; and not funny. I was amazed he broke into US tv.

      I watched his ‘jokes’ about Weinstein in horror and disbelief; the fact that he’s now trying to justify them by claiming he was trying to shame Weinstein show just how clueless he is!

      He should be sacked (but please don’t send him back to us in the UK).

      Ass.

      2. nep*

        Yes — now it’s all the apologies, AFTER the backlash for his “jokes”. Blah blah blah. “To be clear, sexual assault is no laughing matter,” he now says. Uhhhh — but you…joked about it.

  100. MsChanandlerBong*

    I am so annoyed with all the scam calls I am getting lately. The same people keep calling me and telling me that they are going to come after me for a payday loan I took out in 2012. I did NOT take out a payday loan in 2012. Additionally, they are asking for me under my maiden name, and they have been calling my parents’ house. In 2012, I was already married and hadn’t live with my parents since I had surgery in 2007 and needed a place to recover. I know it’s a scam, but they will not stop calling. I live in a one-party consent state, so I record all of my calls. I’ve got them on tape violating the FDCPA in about five different ways (refusing to validate the debt, harassing me by calling late at night and early in the morning, not identifying themselves as a debt collector, etc.), but they are smart–they give me a company name, but it’s such a generic-sounding name that I can’t find an address that I could use to file a suit in civil court. Bummer. We’re going to be buying a house next year. I sure could use a couple thousand bucks for our down-payment fund.

    The worst part is that my mother is one of those people who INSISTS I must have done something wrong or they wouldn’t be calling. So every time they call my parents’ house, I get an all-caps message on FB Messenger about it. She just does not understand that it’s a scam, even though I got a letter back from the FTC saying it’s a common scam and telling me not to give them any information.

  101. Miss Ann Thrope*

    Alison, I was on my PC last week, and all of the sudden, an alarm sounded and it said that I had to call Microsoft because a trojan was being installed. I didn’t call the number, luckily, but my IT and they had me shut down my computer. This is a serious problem, and I think that the solution isn’t just use Adblock. Isn’t there a way to protect your site?

    2. Amadeo*

      Try a heavier duty ad blocker like uBlock Origin in combination with Ghostery. You may occasionally have to turn one or the other off to get something on a page to load, but combined they are hardcore tracking and ad blockers.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yeah, I’ve had some reports of this, and it’s proved hard to track down. It’s coming from a piece of bad ad code that’s sneaking through the filtering and blocking process (run by Google). They’re not actually installing anything on your computer and they’re considered “low threat” despite looking really alarming, although obviously they are obnoxious and I want to do everything I can to keep them off of the site.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have been having this problem, also.
        It locks my computer up, probably too many ads at one time, and I have to restart.

        If there is something we can do to help you defeat this invasive thing, please be sure to mention it.

Comments are closed.