weekend free-for-all — November 18-19, 2017

by Alison Green on November 18, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Free Food for Millionaires, by Min Jin Lee. The daughter of Korean immigrants tries to figure out her life in New York. It’s long and sprawling and engrossing. One review I saw called it a modern-day Middlemarch, which seems right to me.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    1. AnnaleighUK*

      I’m terrified of ducks. There is a reason – I was attacked by one when I was about four years old.

      Mmmyep. So ordering Peking duck from the local takeaway is my revenge on all those evil quacky feathery gits.

      2. Persephone*

        I’m also terrified of ducks. That’s only a recent thing; I got attacked by one two years ago. I understand you: evil, quacky, feathery gits is the most accurate descriptor for them.

        Also, why the stupid duck attacked me instead of LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE IN THE PARK was beyond me. I was sitting there reading! I wasn’t trying to hurt the duck!

      3. Janelle*

        That’s so scary. I also was attached as a child and fell into a lake running. I’m Not so much afraid now as I just keep my distance.

      4. CityMouse*

        A swan tried to drown my grandma’s dog once right in front of us. Birds can be super scary.

        I’m okay with ducks, but whenever I see someone trying to get close to a swan (especially a kid), I try to get them to back off. Especially if it’s cygnet season. You could get seriously hurt.

        1. Alexandra Duane*

          I was taking pictures of the trumpeter swans on a small lake near my house, standing on the bank where the water is fairly deep right up to the banks, so the swans can swim right up to it. A large male swan kind of meandered up to me – very slowly and casually, not looking agitated at all – and as soon as I was in range, popped me on the leg with his beak! Owww!

      5. Not So NewReader*

        My MIL was scared of geese after one chased her when she was very young. She lived into her 90s and that fear never went away. Birds can be so nasty.

        1. many bells down*

          There is a favorite childhood photo of me, screaming directly into the camera as I flee from an angry goose. Yeah, my dad photographed my panicked screaming instead of … helping.

          2. Mallory Janis Ian*

            Ugh. There’s a favorite toddler picture of me sitting on the driveway with the back legs of a cricket hanging out of my mouth. I’m like, jeez people, how about getting the cricket out of my mouth.

      6. Marie*

        That’s not too weird, my cousin is also scared of ducks for the same reason, though I believe she was about two when it happened to her and she’s got a scar on her leg. I don’t know details as I wasn’t born when it happened but even now in her 30’s she won’t go near duck ponds.

    2. Persephone*

      I’m getting frustrated with people – well meaning, I guess, but I kind of get annoyed at people offering unsolicited advice (e.g. “you doing x is the reason y happens” when, for me, y doesn’t actually happen, or y happens but it doesn’t bother me). It’s stupid to be frustrated by it, but I sometimes just want to ask, with one perfectly raised eyebrow, “Did I ask you?”

      I mean, it’s one thing if I asked for the advice, but normally it’s “I did this thing” and immediately get shut down for it. Something like a nap, or watching a movie instead of finishing an assignment due in a week’s time, or something like organising a date with a guy I’m into – it’s usually the same person telling me those things are why my life is going bad. And then for a while I think it’s all going okay, and it happens again, and I have to sit there justifying myself to someone who Knows Best and I’m like arghhhh stop it. (Also really great when same person tries to tell me how to do my own job, at which they’ve never been employed, or how to complete my studies, when they’re not the ones studying what I am and have never studied.)

      In other news, my dog is warming my heart each day because she is no longer scared of rain and that’s a big thing for her.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I hate unsolicited advice. It really, really annoys me when people give it to me. They don’t know the ins and outs of the problem that I’m discussing and they tend to give the most generic advice.

        I’ve taken to changing the subject with a blithe thank you, but I do sometimes want to say “I don’t recall asking for your opinion.”

        1. Persephone*

          Oh man. Yes. Or, “I know you better” is my personal fave. Know me better than who? Myself? The people who live with me? Oh, okay, I forgot. You’re omniscient. Carry on.

          Also, the “I don’t recall asking for your opinion” reminds me of Kirk Van Houten getting fired: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Le4sGUeXTk

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I hate that. I get it from certain people, who also like to send articles, etc. that have no relevance to me whatsoever or are full of bullshit life hacks or career hacks. These people do not spend time with me, they don’t talk to me on a regular basis, and they have no idea what I’ve tried or haven’t tried. They also do it re writing– “You know what you should do…” And then when I try to explain how things actually are, for example, that just simply writing a book doesn’t mean it will ever be published or the perfectly legitimate reasons I don’t want to self-publish it, they say I’m being “negative.” No, asshole, I’m being realistic.

        1. NaoNao*

          Ugh!! The self-publishing pushers! The people who are well meaning but have NO FRIGGIN IDEA what goes into actually editing, proofing and getting a book ready to publish, let alone the PR and publicity and promotion to get anywhere on any bookshelves or lists!
          Writing the book is the (relatively) easy part! Almost everyone has a complete or nearly complete novel sitting in a drawer somewhere!

          It’s not negative to not want to self publish. It’s a tremendous amount of work that may or may not pan out. That’s why authors hire agents and editors and publicists!!!

          1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            Ugh, this. I have a lot of writer friends who self-publish, and while they seem happy with their choices, self-publishing sounds like a miserable ordeal to me. I might give it a shot with a particular project someday, but doing all that myself/hiring people to do what I can’t sounds absolutely miserable to me.

            1. Laurin Kelly*

              I belong to an online writing community and the number of posters on there (most of whom have never published anything, either self or traditional) screaming that traditional publishing is dead and self-publishing is the only way to make any money as an author grinds my gears so hard. I’m very happy to give my publisher their share of sales in return for them taking care of all the administrative and marketing work. I really don’t have the time or interest in commissioning cover art, hiring an editor, submitting ARCs or any of that stuff. I just want to concentrate on writing.

                2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

                  Nope, not that one. Sad to see that more than one community has gone this route.

              2. Aerin*

                I ended up spending a whole lot less time on Google+ specifically because the writing community there is so indie fanatic. I can barely decide what to do for lunch, leaving every single decision in the writing process up to me is lunacy. I’ll happily outsource that stuff to someone who can get me into Barnes and Noble and leave me free to write.

                1. Fiennes*

                  This is so true. There are plenty of valid reasons to choose self-publishing, and a number of genres where it’s very viable. But SO MANY people choose that route out of mere impatience or ego. Their posturing muddies the waters for would-be authors looking for more specific guidance.

          2. Anion*

            God, yes. I am commercially published. As an experiment I self-published a novella. It was such a pain in the butt! I hated all the extra work, finding/commissioning cover art, formatting (especially that, even though I used a platform/program that made it fairly simple)…my agent helped me with it but I still hated it. I’m much happier letting someone else do all that nonsense. (The money was good, though, I do admit.)

            1. Elizabeth West*

              I’ve heard the folks who do the best with indie publishing are the ones who already have a following from other stuff. Because obviously–if you have to do all the marketing and sales generation yourself, it helps, duh.

              Plus, there is the stigma still surrounding it that you’re selfing because nobody else will touch your crap work. When anyone can publish, anyone does, and you end up swimming in a sea of dreck.

        3. Persephone*

          UGH, yes. Currently have someone doing that re: pitching. “If you just did x…”

          As the actual published writer in this conversation, I’m going to say it’s a no from me, and the reason I’m not focusing on pitching articles is because I ACTUALLY DO NOT WANT TO.

        4. LilySparrow*

          I self-pub. I’m happy with it and enjoy discussing pros & cons with the SP-curious.
          But it is NOT for everyone, both in terms of temperament/interest, and in terms of what sorts of books it’s suited for.
          Getting a book published, and selling it afterward, are a lot of work no matter what path you take.
          I sometimes wish I could hand out scripts to people: “If you’re trying to encourage me and wish me success, then just say that!”

          “What you ought to do” is almost always ignorant and absolutely always infuriating.

        5. This Daydreamer*

          But but but I heard of this one guy who like totally made millions! Why don’t you do that?!

          Don’t. Get. Me. Started.

      3. Gingerblue*

        I’m going home for Thanksgiving in a few days and I’m already bracing for this. In the last few years I’ve just switched to saying “I’m not actually looking for advice,” which leads to aggressive sulking, but I’d rather deal with that than the advice.

      4. Katie the Fed*

        I’m having a REALLY hard time with unsolicited advice as a pregnant woman. I’m an adult woman capable of my own research and decisions. I don’t mind (too much) things like “oh, I tried X and it didn’t work” but I really mind things like “oh, you shouldn’t do X.” I have a family member who keeps doing this on all kinds of things. She’s told me I shouldn’t breastfeed, have the baby sleep in our room (even though it’s recommended up to a year to reduce the rate of SIDs), and a bunch of other stuff. I don’t criticize how she raises her baby, and I’m willing to adjust if my plans don’t work out. But I’m allowed to try things without getting a lecture.

        Really unless the subject is something like skipping vaccinations or some other glaring safety/health issue, I don’t want your advice.

        1. Life is Good*

          My only advice to you, KtF, is to do what feels right to you. You will do a fine job.

          I hated all the “friendly” advice when I was expecting (more years ago than I care to admit), too. One well-meaning family member was fearful that our cat would “suck the breath” out of our newborn and advised we get rid of her before our bundle arrived. Another advised against breastfeeding because ‘you can’t tell how many ounces the little one is getting.’ Darned breasts don’t come with gauges! Argh!

          1. Lauren*

            I don’t understand why that is a thing?! My grandma fully believed that cats could “suck the breath out of you”. She wanted my mom to get rid of her cat. I think it is so weird! He was the nicest cat, too. Newsflash, grandma. Cats like milk and babies tend to smell like milk!

        2. dragonzflame*

          Unsolicited advice about babies is the worst. Unfortunately, it won’t stop when the baby’s born, either! It’s so frustrating, because I try to be as intuitive as I can with my 4mo and just roll with things as they come up, and you just end up second guessing yourself. I guess you just have to learn to nod and smile, then do whatever you like. Lie if you have to and tell them you’ve tried it. (My mum likes to give me advice from 30 years ago!)

        3. Quinalla*

          Yup, it is infuriating when you are pregnant and after. So far the old my kids get, the less unsolicited advice I get, but it is absolutely annoying. I do my best to ignore it and do what works for my family, but it can still get me down sometimes. I try to tell myself, whatever I do as a full-time working mom, I’m doing it wrong in someone’s eyes, so I may as well do what works best for me and my family :)

        4. dawbs*

          ugh. I hate to say it, but it gets worse when you have a kid standing in front of you (which is extra annoying at the moments when you’re damn indecisive about something important, and trying to choose between reasonable options A, B, and C, and they come along and start hard selling unreasonable/harmful option Z).

          As an ‘older’ mom, I get a little less of it. And I’ve found slightly rude lines like “I know, but my doctor and I discussed and this is the best option. Isn’t it AMAZING how much the doctor’s recommendations have changed in just a few years from what you were told to do? ” can work wonders. Even when my doctor is out of the loop.

          (and the ‘best choice’ is always the choice that works for you and your family–not the one that works/worked best for someone else and their family)

          1. Half-Caf Latte*

            This is one benefit of being in a nurse-physician marriage. I can cheerfully chirp – “the nurse said to do X” or “doctor’s orders” to busybodies, and nobody but myself and spouse need to know that we’re the ones we’re referring to…

        5. Catherine from Canada*

          My daughter (who was due to deliver on Tuesday and is out for a long walk right now…) is bi-polar and has PTSD and anxiety: she will go back on all her regular doses once she’s delivered. I already know that much of my help to her is going to be getting in other people’s faces about their unsolicited, unwanted, unhelpful and uninformed advice about breastfeeding, sleeping and everything else.

      5. PhyllisB*

        That’s like my sister (who’s been married six times) trying to advise me on my marriage. (Forty-one years to the same man) I’m like REALLLLLLLLLLLYYY???

        1. Circus peanuts*

          I laughed when I read your comment. I would be so tempted to ask her which husband that her piece of advice worked on.

    4. nep*

      Most of my days I feel basically as if I’m just waiting to die. I don’t need suicide hotlines or the like — I’ve got zero inclination to do something to take my own life. Can’t envision doing that. Just that I really would be OK with it ending soon, and often it just feels as if I’m coasting toward that. Not seeking advice and especially I’m not engulfed in a pity party; on many levels I’m relatively content and I sure have no complaints. It just is what it is.

      1. Drama Llama*

        As someone who struggled with depression and depressive feelings/thoughts I can’t not reply to this.

        When I feel depressed it seems hopeless and there’s no way out. It’s only when I come out of the tunnel I realise otherwise. An awesome psychologist I used to see pointed out we often take our thoughts as facts, when they’re not. They’re just…thoughts.

        I started taking Prozac several months ago and it’s been life changing. I now know what it’s like to not feel engulfed by negative thoughts and bad memories from morning to night. I no longer feel like I’m held hostage by my emotions. No more ‘losing it’.

        In this day and age there is no reason why you should suffer in silence. I did therapy on and off for years but it was the prozac that made a huge difference for me. For you the solution may be different, or the same, I don’t know. But please know there are options out there for you to try.

        Life’s too short to live in sadness.

        1. nep*

          Thanks. I’m really glad you have gotten relief and rediscovered happiness.
          Thing is, I don’t go around sad all the time; I find joy in a lot of simple things. And emotions float by like clouds — I don’t give them power. For the most part I really live in the moment. It’s simply that I often sense no longevity/future, and feel as if just coasting to the end. I don’t feel sadness in that; oddly it just feels like that’s how it is.
          I gave that answer mostly because it truly is something I wouldn’t tell someone IRL, because then would come all the ‘I’m worried about you’ ‘what can we do’ ‘how can you say that’….
          Thanks

          1. bunniferous*

            One thing people may not know is not all depression comes with actual feelings of sadness. So if you ever find yourself not enjoying stuff, keep that in mind, But I believe you. I have days like that myself.

      2. Anon because .... well*

        I get this. Likewise I’m not suicidal and actually have a pretty good life but if it ended tomorrow I think I’d be ok with it. I work in the medical field and I’m always baffled by people who keep opting for aggressive treatment when it’s terminal and the treatment is brutal.

        Oh and I read fan fiction.

        I’d never ever tell people these two things!

        1. nep*

          Yes — I would be baffled at that too. I’ve even openly told a relative who’s having to go to a lot of doctor appointments lately (that dreaded assembly line where one is treated like a number for the most part; I’ve never, ever had a positive experience in that domain) that I were anything to happen to me to require medical treatment I’d turn to euthanasia, thank you very much. Of course, of course — and I added this — easy for me to say when I’m healthy and don’t need medical care. It’s impossible for me to know how I’d be. Were something to happen leaving me in intense pain or something, maybe I’d be crying out for a doctor and wanting to do everything to hang on.

          1. blackcat*

            I think, for most people, when it happens they just do what the doctor tells them for a while.

            My mother in law always said essentially what you have said. Healthy as a horse. Got diagnosed with stage IV cancer 6 weeks ago. Started doing the entire rigamarole of harsh treatments. Last scan showed no improvement, but no progression. Docs were all like “It’s working, your aggressive cancer stopped spreading!” And, for her, it finally dawned on her that extending her life was the doctor’s goal. Not making her life more pleasant, not curing her (not an option). She’s stopped all treatment now and wishes she hadn’t even gone down that road. But it’s hard not to when you have 5 doctors all saying “Yes, you should do this.”

            My husband is mad at her for not continuing to try, but her stopping treatment is 100% consistent with the woman I have known for 10 years. *Getting* the treatment was not.

            That said, there’s a huge range of “medical treatment.” I got severe pneumonia a while back–would have died without antibiotics kind of pneumonia. Two weeks of antibiotics and another two of taking it easy and I was totally fine (helped by the fact that I was 19 or 20 at the time). That level of medical treatment–stuff that returns you to your initial state with few side effects or problems–is so different from chemo.

            1. nep*

              Indeed. Meds once saved me from malaria — so a crucial intervention that brought me back to normal, not living with a chronic illness or some ‘tolerable’ state. Good point — there is a wide range.
              All best to you and your family.

              1. Ange*

                Lots of us manage to live perfectly happily with chronic conditions. It’s not a fate worse than death.

                1. nep*

                  Of course — I didn’t mean otherwise. Thanks for stating this. I was responding the sense of the other comment about the wide range of treatments / medical needs.
                  This reminds me of something a friend once said — somehow the quote ‘health is the greatest wealth’ came up as we were chatting. And he said really the greatest wealth is the attitude and resilience to be content no matter what one’s health condition. This has stuck with me — I think of it quite often. He’s absolutely right. I used to really be keen on that ‘health is the greatest wealth’ thing, and there’s something to that. But the ‘wealth’ my friend talked about is more important, I think.

                2. Ange*

                  Replying to myself due to lack of nesting, but really a reply to nep.

                  I do take your point – something about the phrasing just rubbed me the wrong way.

                  I’ve just had chemo, and I would only do it again if it was going to be curative – I’m not going through 6 months of that hell again just to buy myself a couple of months; however, if I had kids or a partner, I might make a different choice.

                3. nep*

                  I understand completely how my wording would have struck — I’m really glad you pointed it out.
                  All best to you.

            2. the gold digger*

              Antibiotics yes, chemo no. I watched my dad go through chemo for non-Hodgkins lymphoma. It was awful and he died anyhow. I would go through chemo only if they guaranteed I would live happily for many years after.

              A doctor who treated my dad said he had a friend who had gone through chemo for testicular cancer years before. The doc asked the friend, who survived and was in remission if, knowing the friend would survive and knowing what chemo was like, if he would go through the chemo again.

              The friend said no. Even knowing he would survive, he would rather have died than go through chemo.

              1. TL -*

                A lot of chemos are much more gentle now than they were years ago.
                It depends on diagnosis and treatment, of course, but a big focus on research has been more targeted and more gentle treatment.

                1. fposte*

                  Yes, the experiences of my friends has been hugely different from my parents and their friends. Medicine has actually gotten a lot better at some things.

              2. PhyllisB*

                I totally respect your viewpoint Gold digger, but my husband was dignosed with non-Hodgkins in 2001 (on 9/11!!) he went through his treatments and has been in remission since. The point is, you never know. However, I would never urge someone to go aggressive if they felt like that was not right for them.

              3. Accidental Analyst*

                I know that everyone has a line in the sand. And it’s good to know where your line is. These are two anecdotes for the other side of the line.

                Sometimes chemo can actually help to improve quality of life even if it won’t improve longevity. My uncle had mesothelioma. He spoke to my mum about chemo (she was undergoing it for breast cancer). He listened to her experiences and decided to do the chemo. Before his death he thanked mum for her help in this as it improved the quality of his life which also helped his daughters.

                Mum has terminal cancer. The first hospital said she had 6 months without treatment and 12 months with. Second hospital said we don’t know how much time we can give you but it will be a lot more than that and will improve your quality of life. That was about four years ago and she’s still going strong (some health issues but nothing major). If she hadn’t of gone for treatment she wouldn’t have been able to see her granddaughter born and other important family events.

                YMMV but this has been my families experience

            3. another Liz*

              This. Human medicine, the default is doing all that can be done. The patient’s goals for treatment are often an afterthought, if they’re thought of at all. In vet med, euthanasia is a kindness, and yeah I know it’s a slippery slope and preventing its abuse would be beyond difficult, BUT…. My dad died of cancer in his brain, liver, and nervous system. The doctors paralyzed one of his legs permanently in n an attempt to lessen his pain. Those doctors and nurses were so beyond awesome and compassionate and did everything in their power to keep him comfortable, but even drugged into Oblivion you could tell he was in pain. All I could think was, “we wouldn’t let a dog go through this”. If it were me in his place, I would want that option on the table. The lines between life and death are becoming cloudier by the day, and existing isn’t living. I think my generation, watching what our parents are going through at the end, we will know that time isn’t the end-all of treatment, and death isn’t the worst that can happen to you.

              1. New Window*

                I just wanted to say, Just Another Liz, I’m sorry you and your family went through that kind of experience.

              2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

                I tend to think the same. We basically had to starve my grandfather to death. It would have been so much better in my view if we could have just ended his suffering immediately.

              3. nep*

                So sorry your family had to go through that.
                Euthanasia is a fundamental right, as far as I’m concerned. It’s one of my most basic rights, choosing how and when I want to die. Period.
                I gather that part of the opposition to assisted dying is it could be ‘abused’ by caregivers or something? I don’t know. I’ve not done enough reading on the debate.

                1. TL -*

                  Well, it can easily be abused by caregivers, even unintentionally.
                  A lot of times, end of life options become a reality when the patient is no longer able to consent and usually the family members are incredibly stressed and may not really understand what’s happening, end of life directives may not have been given, or one relative might have a different impression of the patient’s wishes than another relative.

                  In the ideal circumstances, someone gets sick and is of sound mind when this decision becomes necessary, but in reality, that’s often not what happens.

                  Which isn’t to say it shouldn’t be allowed, just that it’s a lot more complicated from a medical ethics standpoint than “let people decide to end their own lives” sounds.

        2. nep*

          P.S. I could pretty much write that same line: I’m not suicidal and actually have a pretty good life but if it ended tomorrow I think I’d be OK with it. That’s me.

        3. QualityControlFreak*

          Well … I think it’s a very individual choice. My spouse opted for the aggressive treatments, even knowing that at best it wouldn’t do more than buy him an undetermined chunk of time. But he wanted as much time with his family as he could get. And he was a fighter. So he fought. We were behind him either way. He knew that as long as he wanted to fight I’d be fighting alongside him. And that if he got tired of fighting, he could lay down arms and I’d still be right beside him. Sometimes … sometimes I wish he hadn’t chosen to fight a losing battle. The last two months were brutal. But it was his life, his battle, his death.

          1. nep*

            That’s beautiful.
            So true — it’s a unique experience and it’s all about what is right for the individual.
            Thanks for sharing this. Peace.

        4. Fiennes*

          Oh, man, I tell almost everyone about reading & writing fanfic. Since I’m a professional writer, I also tell many work contacts. One time one of them turned out to have read my stuff; another time, the contact realized I’d written for her in Yuletide a few years back.

        5. Not So NewReader*

          Agreeing with you, Anon because, some treatments are worse than the disease itself. Why would I put myself through that? If I am going to be made whole and go back to my regular life, then I would consider some of these things. But there seems to be boomerangs that come back a few years later and polish us off anyway.

          I am meeting more and more people who say, “If I die tomorrow, know that I am okay with that. My life has been rich and I feel I have done many things.”

          1. nep*

            I would like to have an out if I wanted it — an option of peaceful, painless assisted suicide. It would be nice just to know that’s available at any time.

      3. Shoe*

        Oh man. Been there.

        Hang in there. You never know what joy can be ahead for you, no matter where you are in life right now. I know how it can feel like that is just impossible, but it isn’t.

      4. AnonAndOn*

        I have had suicidal thoughts, lately more so because of not having a way to support myself. I did call the suicide hotline months ago and while I don’t think the person said anything deep that prevented me from doing anything, the time I spent on the phone talking with them was less time considering suicide. Honestly, I doubt that I’d attempt anything because I’m afraid of death. I don’t like the idea of ceasing to exist.

        I wouldn’t tell loved ones this because the last thing I need is for them is to take things to the extreme and watch me like a hawk 24/7. I’m not in a place right now where I’m contemplating suicide, although I have my days of feeling down in the dumps.

        1. nep*

          I’ve had suicidal thoughts, I’ve looked up ways people commit suicide. Can’t envision ever doing it — I don’t feel inclined that way at all. But I reckon I think about more than most people.
          I hear you about telling loved ones. I would never. They’d never be able to get in my head and know what I mean and there’s just no reason to.
          All the best to you.

        2. SoAnon*

          This sounds like me a very long time ago, though my problem wasn’t financial and I never made the phone call. What got me through it was telling myself: This too shall pass. And it did.

          I don’t have any idea if you will even see this, let alone if it will help you at all if you do see it.

          Best of luck to you.

      5. Have weekend depression, will look for help or sulk*

        Similar feelings here.

        I’m afraid that my apathy might make me unemployable. I know I *need* to finish brushing up on my skills and find work in 18 months, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Most of the time I just sit in front of my computer and browse the web.

        And it’s not that I feel a lot of despair. It’s that I just have no energy. I do feel content with my life, but I realize it can’t last forever. And I can dedicate myself to something for a limited amount of time. But I burn out really quickly, and have to spend a lot of time recuperating afterward. None of that is particularly helpful.

        1. No Green No Haze*

          I was there! Part of the problem is somehow finding the energy to a) care about it and b) do something about it, when all your energy is tiny and seems dedicated to keeping you breathing.

          If you haven’t had your thyroid checked, try to do it. I thought it was just stress from a toxic job environment getting me down, but it was also that my thyroid was shot. There’s more going on than that, for me, but getting that piece sorted out was the part that gave me purchase.

          1. Have weekend depression, will look for help or sulk*

            Thanks! I had my thyroid checked a while back and it was normal, but I might do it again, since I’ve gained a bit of weight since, and it’s been a year.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      I really enjoy reading fanfiction.

      I would never tell anyone this because there’s still a stigma around it but I love reading it because it adds more to the story when it’s done well. After I finished Stranger Things, I immediately went to AO3 and spent a day scrolling through the stories there enjoying myself.

      1. Julia*

        I do, too! I sometimes write it, too. I know some people in real life who read and write fanfiction, but I wouldn’t mention it to people at work.

      2. nep*

        I’ve read bits and pieces, mostly on AAM, but could you explain what fanfiction is — and why there’s a stigma? Thanks.

        2. Foreign Octopus*

          Fanfiction is the act of writing a piece of fiction about a particular cultural/literary thing i.e. Harry Potter fanfiction are stories written by fans using the world and characters of Harry Potter. It’s the writers spin on the world. They can pair people up in fanfiction who aren’t paired up in canon (the creator’s work). In the HP fandom, a lot of people believe that Remus Lupin and Sirius Black were together and they write fanfiction around that.

          It’s sort of a way to extend the story and to enjoy the story at a different level.

          I suppose the stigma comes from it being seen as quite a nerdy thing to do, to enjoy something like that. A lot of people also assume that fanfiction is erotic fiction, but that’s not the case in about 80% of the works available (although there is a lot more sex than you’ll normally find in official work).

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Oh, you can find erotic fanfic about ANYTHING. When one of my skating coaches found out I read the Trixie Belden girl detective books as a child, some of the most squeaky clean literature in this galaxy or any other, she said “Rule 34. Look it up.”

            Well, it’s true–if it exists, there is p0rn of it. Yes, there is actually Trixie Belden-themed p0rn on the internet. >_<

            1. AnnaleighUK*

              I stumbled across Rule 34 for Tour De France cyclists once while quite innocently looking for a specific photograph (ok it was trying to prove to R that no, they don’t wear underpants, please don’t ask) and googling ‘do TDF riders wear underwear’ was a mistake I do NOT want to repeat.

                1. AnnaleighUK*

                  Lord, you’ve seen that one too? There’s that one and one with white shorts after a rainstorm that, um, proved my point.

              2. Mallory Janis Ian*

                “ . . . googling ‘do TDF riders wear underwear’ was a mistake I do NOT want to repeat.”

                Well, after reading that, my curiosity dictated that *I* repeat your mistake. I see what you mean about the red spandex.

            4. Adele*

              Say it ain’t so! I loved Trixie Belden as a child and a couple years ago found a nearly complete set at a garage sale. I read them all straight through.

        3. JKP*

          I think part of the stigma is that people who don’t read it don’t realize how much really good, really well done fanfiction is out there. Most people’s knowledge of fanfiction is that 50 Shades of Grey was originally a Twilight fanfiction, and that was endlessly mocked for how bad the writing was.

          If you do read fanfiction, you do come across a lot of really badly written stuff, but there’s also a lot of amazing stuff too, you just have to sort through it to find the stories/authors you like.

          Also, technically fanfiction is illegal, in that none of the authors have license from the original artists to write stories with their characters/world. Some artists shut down people writing fanfiction, such as Anne Rice, but most just look the other way as long as it’s done just for fun. But that means you can’t make money with fanfiction. That’s why 50 Shades had to be tweaked before it could be sold, to make it different enough from Twilight. And if you can’t make money from fanfiction, very few professional level writers will write fanfiction if they could sell their original work instead.

          1. Fiennes*

            There’s actually a lively debate as to whether or not fanfic is illegal, so long as it meets the standards for fair use as a transformative work. It would be akin to parody–fiction written about a work to comment on that work–which is protected. My belief is that IP owners will embrace this legal definition explicitly within the next few years; they’ve already tacitly done so. This allows Disney/DC/etc. not to worry about policing fanfic at all, with zero legal repercussions for anyone. (The C&D letters for X-Files fanfic are as distant a part of the past as America Online discs.)

            And as a professional writer who has continued writing fan fiction more than a decade into my pro career, I can promise you–I’m far from the only one. :)

            1. The Ginger Ninja*

              I had an interesting discussion with someone about pastiche vs fan fiction. As far as we could tell, for the purposes of many discussions, pastiche is considered classy and respectable (an homage to the original, if you will) whereas ff is geeky and nerdy and kind of gross (thank you, 50 Shades for ruining it for all of us lol). That seems to be the main idea floating around in most non-fandom communities. As an English teacher, I find (and my students who write ff agree) that ff is hard to write, mainly because you need to keep the characters true to canon, which can be hard if you didn’t create them. Plus, look at someone like Lyndsay Faye who is quite successfully published in the Sherlock community. Her work is extremely realistic to original canon, in my opinion, so it would be a shame to dismiss it as “just fan fiction”. Just my two cents :)

            2. Indoor Cat*

              Hmm. But parody can be sold– for example, Mel Brooks’ “Spaceballs” was a Star Wars parody that was shown in theatres and sold DVDs. “A Very Potter Musical,” after a very tense series of meetings with many lawyers (but not technically a court case) was ruled parody and was allowed to remain on YouTube and go on a professional tour. Neither Brooks nor Team Starkid ended up having to license those properties, which meant Warner Brothers and Lucasfilm didn’t make money from them.

              So, simply from the perspective that “corporations always want to make money,” it seems to me that any media company would fight against any non-licensed derivative work claiming parody status if it was at all debatable. Although, I haven’t been keeping on top of all this, so who knows?

            3. Frea*

              Another pro writer here who’s been tooling around on a fanfic scene all morning: *high-five* I worried I’d have to give it up but it’s the best kind of stress relief.

              Speaking of C&D letters, though, I’m making popcorn in preparation for when Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles TV show gets fanfic because given her history—well, yikes.

          2. Laurin Kelly*

            As someone who started out writing fanfic, there is definitely shaming that goes on with people saying that if you are a “real” writer you would be able to come up with your own characters and universes and not have to steal anyone else’s.

            I’ve seen the other side too though; once I transitioned from fanfic to original fiction exclusively I got a lot of comments that I was “selling out”, “turning my back on my readers” and that I must think I’m “too good for fanfic.”

            1. Indoor Cat*

              Wow. People are bizarre.

              I mean, I guess I should stop being surprised at people being both petty and obnoxiously entitled, but still. Write what you’re moved to write.

            2. Elizabeth West*

              I see fanfic as good practice for budding writers. And some people may not want to do anything else past that–they may be writing just for fun, and that’s okay too. But I think if I created characters and someone were distorting them in a way I found problematic, such as making them pedophiles or something, or trying to profit off them, I would not be happy with that.

              My bank robber book started out as a sequel to the film The Dark Knight. It’s the only one I’ve ever written. I then wrote the same story all over again but with my own characters.

              1. Amadeo*

                This is the issue I have with fanfic from time to time, even though I wrote Knight Rider fanfic, so I don’t have a whole lot of room to preach. I’ve been trying to write my own novel, and having been in RP and fanfic circles, fanfic is one of the things I would dread as a creator of original characters/content. I probably would not try to stop people from writing it, a la WB taking down the Harry Potter stuff ages ago, but I certainly wouldn’t want to know about it or see it. Ironic, isn’t it?

                1. Elizabeth West*

                  If they’re just doing it for their own enjoyment, I have no problem with it, barring the stuff I said (if they were sharing that stuff online, especially).

                  I know I said I only did the one, but I guess notating some *koff* fantasies that no one shall ever see about a particular character I’ve crushed on for years counts…. *blush*

          3. Mallory Janis Ian*

            My only experience reading fan fic is that it has somehow become a family Christmas break tradition for my daughter to read aloud “My Immortal” over several evenings. My daughter writes several fan fics based on animes that she watches, and she tells me when one of them gets a lot of likes and requests for the next installment.

      3. Myrin*

        I basically only read fanfiction these days. The possibilities are endless in a way that published books will never achieve and which makes the vast majority just boring to me now (there’s an oldt tumblr post that says something like “Where else can you find a lesbian intergalactic assassin robot couple turned coffeeshop owners?” and that about sums it up) and it’s free so really, what’s not to like?

        1. Book Lover*

          There was a time when I just read tons of ff. But since things have moved to tumblr it seems as though things are more fragmented and it is just hard to find good work. Plus I am not into the major fandoms right now.

          1. Myrin*

            Check out AO3 (Archive of Our Own)! They’re the main fanfic host these days and you actually only need to find like two or three authors you like and subscribe to them, the rest will come to you because they will shout someone out or link back to another work or what have you and then you can bath in all the gloriousness.

            1. Book Lover*

              Oh, I have been on AO3 for as long as it has existed. But most of the authors I love don’t write often any more or now are published authors (hah, or both, for Astolat). And I have never had much interest in reading original ‘fanfic’ since I can just go to the bookstore or library for that.

              1. SpiderLadyCEO*

                I love Astolat! I read fic by ranking, because I’m lazy, so I’ll go to a tab and sort by complete only + bookmark, and that turns up tons of good fic ;) the problem is when you have read the creme de la creme, and the newer stuff hasn’t had the time to come to the top yet. Then I start subtracting out the well-known names.

                1. Book Lover*

                  I started with XFiles and read a lot of SGA fics. Once you have lived through the incredible fanfic that came of SGA it is just hard to settle.

                  Astolat’s semi-LKH crossover with Merlin is one of the most amazing things. The Crown of the Summer Court. And there are some Avengers fics that are really feel good, nice for the current times.

                  I just need to try to get into a new fandom I guess.

                2. Tau*

                  Having that problem as well – or sometimes one particular pairing or so just dominates the top rankings. (I still have a soft spot for Star Wars fandom, where the top rankings tend to get taken by time-travel fixit fics. My people.)

                  Agreed that tumblr is godawful for finding anything. It reminds me of Livejournal a bit that way, which was also a haven for fanfic. Finding anything for a new fandom on that site was murder.

      4. Fiennes*

        I wrote this above, but — I tell almost everyone who knows me well enough to discuss hobbies at all. Although I came up in the era of Deep Stigma, fanfic is MUCH more mainstream now, especially among younger people. I don’t *share* my fic with most–only people who would be reading it bc of the fandom, not because of me. And boyfriends (including my current partner.) Because a deep guide to one’s fantasy life is not a bad thing to have in that context…

        1. SpiderLadyCEO*

          It definitely is more mainstream, but there is still a lot of cringe culture to it. That being said, all of my best friends know I love fic – because it’s such a major portion of my life hiding it would be insane. Not only do I read and write, I’m a volunteer staffer with the OTW so weekends and evenings are eaten up working for that. After ten “I can’t come, I have a meeting on Saturday,” when your friends know your office is closed on Saturday, you have to come clean, haha!

      5. Aurion*

        Love fanfiction, both reading and writing it. I probably take it more seriously than I should (I have something like…twenty writing craft books on my floor right now because I am hitting a block with how to plot/structure a longer work and I need some guidance).

        I have zero inclination or desire to get published, so fanfiction is my writing outlet. The way I see it: my sports is my stress relief, but writing is my joy.

      6. Wintermute*

        I don’t get the stigma, I think it’s tied in with our sick culture of hyper-ownership of creative works in the modern day. Shakespeare wrote his own takes on other people’s stories and characters, which gave us Hamlet, Romeo and Juliette and more.

        During Doyle’s own life Sherlock Holmes had glorified “fanfiction” of him written which boosted the popularity of the character and lead to him becoming a household name and a major figure in the Western Literary Canon.

        Likewise, Lovecraft’s own work was pretty average in a lot of ways (people remember his hits like The Shadow Over Innsmouth and forget his much more crude take on the same subject matter in The White Ape) and his blatant and pathological (pathological even for the late 1800s) racism hurt his work and popularity. But later writers took his expanded mythos, writers like Dereleth and Carter, and they refined it into the pop culture phenomenon it is today, aided by the fact none of it was copyrighted so game makers, authors and others can freely use the “Cthulhu Mythos” and cross-pollinate with one another.

    6. Irish Em*

      I have chronic pain all the time. I never got a diagnosis from a GP because I only go when I’m completely acute and get a prescription, and the one time I was referred to a consultant she “didn’t buy” what I was telling her, so I just suck it up and deal with it. The other day I was talking to my pharmacist about something unrelated and the issue of my pain came up and she was horrified, and I have never felt so validated. It actually felt nice to talk about my pain, I told her what I can’t tell any other human being: my pain has been with me for the last 15+ years, and it’s like my friend. I’m used to it. I mean, it’s the buzzkill friend that nobody likes, but you still hang out with, but it’s still my friend. What helps me with my pain is a more Mediterranean climate, which we got in July for like a week, and I want to move to Italy or South of France, but my mother is now paralysed and living in a nursing home and would (possibly literally) die if I left the country, so I can’t look after my pain the way I want to because it will hurt someone else more. And a part of me hates my mother for it. (What feels even worse is that she was *just* coming around to the idea that IrishEm in Italy might not be the worst thing in the entire world about a week or so before she took the stroke that paralysed her, and I’m so glad she survived it, but I am so angry that she needs me to be in the country with her as her security blanket again and I am a terrible person). So there’s a double-whammy of depressing things I wouldn’t say out loud to actual human beings. I should probably change my username to Buzz Killington :P

      1. Anono-me*

        You are NOT a terrible person for your inner feelings born out of frustration, powerlessness and EXTREME CHRONIC PAIN. You are a wonderful person for the real actions you are taking to help your mother.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          Exactly. Irish Em, you’re human and you are gonna have thoughts. It’s evidence of your good character (or “good enough” if you’re feeling too down on yourself to agree with this compliment) that you have not and will not express them to, or act them out in front of, your mother.

      2. Wintermute*

        I found a quote that might help you explain:

        “Going to the doctor when you’re chronically ill or in pain is a strange experience. Imagine a house on fire. You talk to the fire department and they’re like “well what’s the worst fire?” and you say “well I don’t know, the fire on the bed is really annoying because I can’t sleep well, but the fire on the curtains is the biggest fire, and the bookshelf fire has made it impossible for me to enjoy reading anymore. But I’d say the fire in the kitchen is the worst because I’m losing weight because it’s hard to eat” And the doctor says “well, the fridge is on fire and so is the microwave, you might have appliance-fireitis but if you did your VCR would be on fire too” and you go “Oh yeah! the VCR has been on fire too! I just forgot about that because it’s a comparatively small fire and we mostly watch DVDs these days so I don’t usually worry about it, plus it’s next to the bookshelf which is a much larger fire so you don’t notice it!” And then your doctor says “great we’ll try putting those out now, oh and don’t worry about the bookshelf fire, those just happen some times as your house gets older.”

        2. Katriona*

          Thank you for sharing this! I have fibromyalgia and it pretty much perfectly describes my experience. This is why it took me six years to get a diagnosis.

    7. Emily*

      Hearing about deaths of people I don’t know (especially relevant recently with all of the mass shootings, natural disasters, and incidents of police violence) doesn’t always elicit a strong emotional response from me. Obviously I don’t want harm to come to anyone, but it’s hard sometimes for distant death/pain/suffering to feel “real” to me. Sometimes I worry that I’m too emotionally flat – that I don’t experience emotions (especially sadness and empathy) as strongly as others.

      1. Shoe*

        This was actually going to be my answer.

        I care about world peace and violence and human rights and all that, in my brain. I don’t want refugees to be suffering and I think my country should help them. I think measures should be taken to stop gun violence. But if it isn’t someone I love, I find it hard to care in my heart. Like, my best friend will sob over stories of people being oppressed or killed or something, and have it completely ruin her day. I can’t find that in myself.

        1. Anion*

          Every once in a while one of those stories will really hit home with me and upset me (the Manchester bombing, frex, because we’d just left England after almost a decade of living there, and I have a pre-teen daughter who is a big Grande fan–the girls at that concert were/could have been my daughter and her friends, if you know what I mean. So that one was really rough for me). But usually, yeah, I feel the same.

      2. What is normal?*

        I actually believe this is more the norm and that those who are “devastated” have a problem.

        1. Agreed!*

          My MIL actually wails when she sees/reads/hears news involving deaths – any deaths, whether violent or non-violent, individual or mass, and regardless of the age or other characteristics of the deceased. Young man shot on the street? Wailing. Hundreds of people die in an accident halfway across the globe? Wailing. Famous figure who she didn’t even care about that much? Wailing. Her next door neighbor’s elderly mother, whom MIL never met? Wailing.

          Besides being rather horrifying (I have actually broken things because the sudden onset of wailing surprised me so much) and terribly annoying, it comes across as SO FAKE. Yes, it is awful when people die, especially if those deaths were senseless and preventable. But JFC, stop with the wailing.

            1. Agreed!*

              It’s probably not a cultural thing (she is of mixed Western European heritage, mostly Italian and Irish, ancestors have lived in the US for over a century), but I suppose it could be a family thing. I don’t know her family well, as she is estranged from a number of them. (The ones I have met are an unpleasant bunch.)

        2. Book Lover*

          I do get terribly upset because I think about the last moments of people and how they suffered and if they were afraid. And I see children starving and being bombed and recognize they are just like my kids and think how devastating for them and for the families that probably love them the way I love my kids. It is a big problem for me and very difficult. I don’t act like I am the one in that situation but I do feel terrible and with 24 hour news it feels nonstop. It is very unhealthy.

          So I would agree you are probably more the norm and healthier for it.

          1. Tau*

            Yeah, I’m similar. Sometimes I just see a news report of a disaster and go “eh, thing that happened” but often I start going “but what must the poor victim’s mother feel like right now?” and I get really upset to the point of tears. Agreed that it’s not healthy (I actually suspect this is a manifestation of my autism, my empathy tends to be a bit overactive in certain ways), and I definitely don’t think it’s viewed as normal. I get funny looks if people start realising I’m fighting tears over some disaster that did not affect me or anyone I know in any way whatsoever.

      4. Julianne*

        The only ones that really, truly devastate me are the school shootings. And honestly, that’s because I work at an elementary school, so the emotion is as much about worrying that I am going to be shot to death along with my students as it is devastation about things that have already happened.

      5. Indoor Cat*

        This is actually very normative.

        People sometimes talk like empathy is a thing you have or don’t have, like everyone is “an empath” or “a sociopath.” But it’s more accurate to say everybody has a mental capacity to more-or-less empathize with a certain number of people. It’s not a large number–the range is between 125-400 (this is called Dunbar’s number). Additionally, people have the ability to “deeply” empathize with a much smaller number of people– usually about 9-15. Immediate family and closest friends. These numbers can go down if a person has to learn to de-empathize intentionally because they are faced with many suffering people at once, or if empathy is punished, or if they internalize prejudices. They can go up a bit in some cases, but not by much. Generally, people who become more empathic than they used to be initially had below-average empathy. Any given person’s numbers can be naturally lower or higher, although true sociopaths (who empathize with no one) are pretty rare.

        The given people in our “empathy circle” and “deep empathy” circle can change based on how often we interact with them and how relatable they are. The monkeywrench is, now we frequently “interact” with people who don’t interact with us– we hear people’s stories on the news, or we follow celebrities on social media, and sometimes our minds end up putting those people in our empathy circles, or even our deep empathy circles. This is unhealthy for a lot of reasons, but the main one is that those people don’t empathize with you in return. They can’t. They don’t know you exist.

        Another wrinkle in all this is, in some instances, if a person has experienced incredible pain in the past, and that pain is still raw, then even the most distant empathy will bring up that person’s pain. No one really knows why this is for some people. There was a survey of Holocaust survivors that found that a small but significant minority of survivors had this type of reaction. One woman described how for the past forty years (at the time of the survey) she cries at least once every day. She’ll cry when she sees a poster for a lost dog, because she feels so bad for the people who must be missing their dog. It reminds her of all the people she misses who were lost, although it was clearly easier for her to talk about the people missing their lost dog than her own personal loss. For most people, even such a deep psychic wound heals and scars over eventually, but for some, it stays near the surface.

        Anyway, it’s all complicated. But, suffice it to say you’re pretty normal I think.

        3. Elizabeth West*

          Cracked.com had an article about this–they called the circle “the monkeysphere.” Once you pass a certain number of monkeys in your sphere, your ability to care about them diminishes.

    8. Temperance*

      I’m hyper logical. I often judge people harshly for giving in to manipulative family members, partners, and friends, because the logical decision is X, but they go for Y, which is what the manipulator wants.

        1. Florida*

          Does giving into a manipulator really make life easier? It makes that moment easier. But I’m having a hard time thinking of a situation where it makes your whole life easier over the long-term.

          1. Ramona Flowers*

            My point really was that you’re assuming people are in a position to assess things in the same way as you.

        2. Temperance*

          For the person who is bullied into giving in to the manipulator.

          In my experience, giving in to a manipulator just rewards them and makes their victim suffer. (A recent example: my MIL is caregiving her parents, without any help. Her brother, and his 3 adult daughters (and RN wife!) live a mile away. They are eligible for Medicare visiting nurses, for free. They only want “family help”, and because we don’t make the 5-hour round-trip drive monthly to pitch in, MIL gets stuck doing everything for them.)

          1. Indoor Cat*

            Er, alright, but who is giving in to a manipulator in that scenario?

            It seems like a fairly typical family conflict, in which people have different wants and needs. The parents want the privacy and safety of not bringing in outside caregivers into their home and, potentially, to make their food and touch their bodies. They want autonomy, safety, and privacy. They also need to be cared for.

            The five other adult family members want to keep their schedules as they are, without caregiving, probably because it’s stressful and work. They want routine and calm. They don’t have any unmet needs.

            You want to maintain your schedule as is too. Taking ten hours a month out of your schedule is too much of a sacrifice to your routine. You want to help your MIL’s parents, but not enough to make that sacrifice. You don’t have any unmet needs. [in the context of this conflict]

            Your MIL wants to help her parents. She also wants routine and calm (probably, since the workload seems too stressful for her).

            So, everybody hashes it out. You and the five adult family members have the best hand, because you want and need the fewest things. All six of you already win, since nobody wants to help the grandparents more than they want to not disrupt their schedules. So they don’t. People often say, “well, they should!” but everybody gets to make their own choices, and nobody gets to make anyone else’s for them when people are adults, you know? In a way, there’s no such thing as “should.” There’s just what happens, and what you do.

            Anyway, this means the conflict is between MIL and her parents, because those three are the ones with unmet needs and wants. So, MIL has a few choices.
            1. She could do the work because it gets her something she wants (assurance that her parents, whom she loves, are being taken care of) and just accept that the consequence is stress on her shoulders.

            2. She could do some of the work and then simply not show up other days, and inform the siblings that if they don’t show up nobody will. But that could backfire; what if the parents got hurt because nobody showed up? She’d feel awful because her parents were hurt, and inevitably she’d be blamed for the neglect. So she’d have to mentally weigh the risks. Probably the cons aren’t worth the pros.

            3. She could tell her parents in no uncertain terms that she would stop caregiving, and she’d give them x days to hire someone or tell the other adult children. But if they didn’t, she’d be faced with the same potential consequences as #2.

            On the other hand, there’s no reason #2 and #3 couldn’t potentially be good options. They’re just not necessarily the best if a person’s concern for her parents’ well-being (and potential risk of their suffering) trumps her desire for the freedom of not having sole caregiving responsibilities. So it’s a question of values, not willpower.

            Family conflict is normal, and conflicting values is normal. It seems like, on the internet at least, people throw around “manipulative” and “dysfunctional” when everyone is actually handling conflict in a fairly decent way. It’s just people don’t like conflict at all.

            1. Temperance*

              Your comment has given me something to think about, but I have a few minor tweaks: it’s not 10 hours out of my life that they are demanding, it’s one entire weekend per month, which includes 5 hours of driving.

              Grandparents live with my MIL, by their choosing, so it’s a little more complicated. I still think that they are manipulative, though, because they are essentially demanding that other people do their bidding when it doesn’t help them.

              1. Ruffingit*

                You mention the RN wife with a exclamation mark as though her profession means she is able to help more in some way. I’d just caution against that kind of thinking because in my experience, as a person in a caregiving profession, it’s very difficult to work all day with people and then also do that job with family. After all day as an RN on her feet, attending to people’s needs, I can see why she wouldn’t want to do that on her off time.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Yup, I’m the same way. I try not to be judgmental that way, but it just drives me nuts to see someone giving in to the manipulator over and over again. I’m often thinking, “Why can’t they see what Sally is doing and that they should do X?” I try to remember I’m not in their shoes and it’s easier said than done, but it’s difficult.

        1. Ruffingit*

          I tend to be the same. People say things like “But Mom will be mad if I don’t come for Thanksgiving this year…” as though mom being angry is something to be avoided at all costs. My response there is usually “And…?” Mom will be mad. She’ll get over it. It’s really OK for her to be angry and to manage her feelings. You don’t have to manage them for her.

    9. what's my name again?*

      I really, really, really struggle with meeting my sisters-in-law. Either they ignore me, unless I make the first overture (“how’s life/work” etc.) or they criticize/lecture me. (They’ve denigrated our children’s school, my career choices etc.)
      At one point, they tried mightily to get our kids to sign up for an afterschool program (even though we don’t live near them, our kids have never expressed interest in joining it, and we frankly don’t have time (me especially as I work and took care of my elderly mother at the time). So I kind of snorted, “Yeah, in my free time.” The response, “Why, you don’t do anything.”
      Since then, I dread every family gathering. I end up brooding for weeks beforehand about what to say if I had the chance. I don’t, because I need to keep the peace for my husband and kids, especially now as my mother-in-law is declining in health.
      Thanks for this question and letting me vent. Thanksgiving is coming up and I’m in full brooding mode.

      4. sweetcaroline*

        Just accept that you have an iceberg relationship. They only see the small surface of who you are, underestimate your depth, and it’s a little cold. And it is what it is. They might not have the emotional ability to have a deeper relationship, and any comment or criticism they might have should roll off you like a pebble, because what do they really know about you? Their comments are a 5 minute review based on the trailer, a 10 page essay based on the back of the cover blurb. Not matter how’s pointed or nasty, their comments have as much weight as a squirrel chitting over how well you mow your lawn.

      5. Ruffingit*

        Sounds really unpleasant. I’d maybe revisit the idea that you need to keep the peace for your husband and kids. Frankly, your husband shouldn’t be allowing his sisters to treat you this way. And no peace is being kept for you in this scenario. Brooding for weeks sounds exhausting. Perhaps you and your husband can do something else for the holidays and visit his mother at another time. You really don’t have to put up with this nonsense from his sisters, nor do you deserve it. Just saying.

    10. CityMouse*

      I’m honestly not sure if I’m doing the things I’m doing right now because I genuinely want to do those things, or just because my entire life I’ve been pushing for the next thing and the next thing, and I don’t know how to turn it off. I never took a break (I went straight to college and then to law school and then to work), and I think I need one.

      1. CityMouse*

        I’ll add another – I have trichotillomania. I have tried all sorts of things to stop puling my hair out, but I can’t. Sometimes, in a weird way, I don’t want to.

        1. anonrtt*

          I can understand this. I pick at my skin and have scabs often. Long sleeve shirts are a help. I’m trying to stop and I’m on anti-anxiety meds, but the relief I get from it is hard to quit.

    11. HannahS*

      I love romance novels. Historical romance, in particular. Love them. Sometimes they’re subversive, sometimes they’re not, and I really try to find ones that are well written, but I’ll read mediocre ones too. Sometimes I go through phases where I read one a day. Sometimes I get frustrated, because one the one hand, I love Love! I love relationships, and I like reading about them. But on the other hand I can’t TALK about it with anyone because there’s a real stereotype about single women who read romance novels. And I also get frustrated that, you know usually I just want to read a book about a woman where no major characters die, it’s not scary, and there’s a happy ending. Like, actually happy, not “sweetly melancholy” or worse, “hopeful” (that’s just code for “lots of bad things happen, but the good stuff might start after the book ends!) And that just is SO hard to find in adult fiction!

      1. Myrin*

        Yes!! Since I started reading fanfiction (see a few comments above this one!) I’ve basically stopped reading published books altogether but before that, romance novels were my absolute go-to! I had one complete shelf of just romance novels. I was also in very good contact with some romance authors, who were just so sweet and funny and down-to-earth, it made me like the genre even more.

      2. Book Lover*

        I go through phases of reading bunches of them. I always liked Jayne Ann Krentz and Her alter ego, Amanda Quick. Just relaxing escapism :). And I read Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, and they have a podcast too :). They feel like my people.

      3. Valancy Snaith*

        Honestly, I read a lot of romance novels because I want to read novels about A) women and B) romance and people’s private lives. I do read a lot of good literature, but I read a lot of trash, and I get really easily exhausted of people recommending yet another book about men to me. I read plenty of books about men. I want to read books about women and people’s personal lives. A lot of times, that’s romance novels. Coupled with the fact that I almost exclusively read historical fiction, and I read a lot of romance or quasi-romance novels as well.

        1. Mallory Janis Ian*

          I’ve been reading a lot of Liane Moriarty because I love the aspect of knowing about the characters’ (women’s) personal lives. I read novels like I used to listen to the adults gossiping about family and friends’ personal lives: because I’m nosy and I like an inside peek into what’s going on.

          Also from Liane Moriarty, I’m becoming obsessed with Australia and thinking about what it might be like to emigrate there.

      4. Anonymous Saturday*

        Romance novels are wonderful!!! (Granted, there are skunky romance novels just as there are skunky mystery or sci-fi or *insert name of genre here* books.) I no longer give a flying you-know-what if people see me reading them, either. Eye-searing bodice ripper cover? Bring it on, I’ll read it in the pew before church starts.

      5. Persephone*

        Yassss romance. When I was at uni I used to get judged by all my lit studies mates for reading trashy romance.

        Like, guys, we just finished Ulysses. I need a break from heavy writing. I just want a book where there’s a happily ever after and no BIG THEMES to process, and definitely no chance of being forced to write an essay afterwards.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Ha, when I was in uni I read a LOT of children’s fiction for the same reason. It was a fast easy read and I didn’t have to think too much. I discovered some great books that way, also.

      6. Gala apple*

        Yesssss 100%!!! I read romance for the joy and the love and the human relationships… not for the physical love in the books (ok maybe just a smidge that)– it gets old fast. But the relationships are (generally) so lovely and I learn how to be, through them. To some degree, at least; I mean I don’t foresee a situation in which I’m eloping to Gretna Green in 19th century England.

        Just finished the latest Grace Burrowes (decent; liked her earlier stuff better) and have Mary Balogh’s latest next to me to dig into after I catch up here!

      7. Indoor Cat*

        Have you ever read the ‘Enchanted Inc.’ series? It’s a rom-com set in a company that sells magical items. The protagonist is a contract lawyer who’s immune to magic, and she falls for the quirky head of R&D and they have continued adventures.

      8. Persephone*

        Also, don’t know if any of you guys watch Jane the Virgin (it’s not a huge thing over here) but they released Snow Falling, Jane’s novel, as an actual novel. Kinda like what they did with Ransom My Heart and Princess Diaries.

        I read an excerpt on Mashable and I feel it might have been an advance copy as the writing seemed so stilted, and apparently it was an award-winning romance author writing as Jane (can’t remember who). Off to download a preview on Amazon and see how it is, but if any of you have read it, let me know thoughts, please!

    12. Insert witty name here*

      I’m afraid that I might be attracted to toxic people or unhealthy situations. When people are nice to me, it makes me uneasy. Then if they’re mean to me or seem to not like me, I find it a challenge and try to get them to like me.

      I’m sure it’s just a self-esteem thing or something, but I’m worried because I don’t like being used or yelled out or treated poorly, but when someone actually nice and healthy is there, it makes me uneasy and like I don’t deserve to be treated well.

    13. Hester Prynne*

      As a note, nothing has ever happened and nothing ever will, plus the OP said no judgment.
      I’m worried because I develop crushes on men who are either in relationships or are married. Again, nothing has ever happened and I think that’s why I do- because nothing will ever happen and they are “safe”. I think I’m afraid of being in an actual relationship. Heck, I remember slow dancing with a guy when I was younger and thinking “I’m a floozy!” and by the end of the dance, we were so far apart. The guy was really confused and I ran away, lol.
      Anyways, I still get nervous around guys and don’t know how to act. I’m worried about being too social, so then I’m too quiet. I don’t know….

      1. AnonAndOn*

        I’ve had crushes on all sorts of men who were unavailable, be them dating someone else, being gay, being celebrities whom I’ll never meet. I feel I do for the same reasons, that they are “safe” choices and that nothing can ever come from them. I’ve dated a few times but I’ve never been in a relationship. I feel that if a relationship ever happens great, but if not I have no problem spending the rest of my years alone. I’m used to being alone.

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I love having crushes! I’ve been married for twenty-some years, and nothing has ever even come close to happening from any of my crushes. I just have always had them because I like the nice tingly feeling of daydreaming about various romantic scenarios and it helps to have some inspiration as to who is cast opposite me in these dreams.

          1. AnonAndOn*

            I feel the same way about mine. I feel I get too entangled up in them and end up feeling like a complete mess in the process. I haven’t had any ridiculous crushes in a while and I’m proud of that.

            I mentioned above that it was a “safe” thing for me to do, but I feel that I didn’t make myself available and open because I was too caught up in a fantasy and not with reality.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              I had one a couple of years ago, on a celebrity. Then he got married and it, well, crushed me. Ugh. I felt so stupid for having the crush in the first place–it was the same crush eleventy million other people had. It got way out of hand. I guess I had it because I haven’t got anything IRL right now. I never get crushes like that when I’m dating someone.

              The worst part was finding out someone I know used to work with his wife and I was only two degrees away the entire fricking time! >_<

    14. Emmie*

      People in my life say that our deceased loved ones have come to them as ghosts, but much more real. So, I prayed / spoken it into being to my deceased loved ones not to scare the life outta me by coming to me like that. I don’t know if it’s real, or not. I am not ready to know! ;)

        2. Mallory Janis Ian*

          Ha. I’ll have to make this deal with my husband, as well. I’ll see how he feels about “tippytoe!” (from Seinfeld when George was warning Jerry about someone coming back into the room).

      2. Anion*

        I am fully aware that there is no scientific evidence whatsoever of ghosts. There never has been.

        I choose to believe anyway, and am convinced I’ve seen at least one.

      3. RL*

        I’m glad I’m not the only one! The thought of loved ones coming back to visit from beyond the grave horrifies me. My mom was sick for a very long time before passing away, and I told her numerous times (usually during some ghost hunting show), for the love of God, Do Not Haunt Me. Just go be happy in the afterlife and I’ll see you there some day! :)

    15. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      1) I hate the sound of balloons popping and will never use them for parties. In a summer preschool obstacle course, one requirement was sitting on a balloon to pop it…

      2) The one thing terrifying me about future cat ownership is clipping cat nails every 2-3 weeks. As a middle schooler, my dad got me a guinea pig and I had to clip it’s nails, which bled horribly and left the guinea pig scream crying and me in tears. I will gladly outsource this task to any veterinarian—I don’t care if costs rack up—it was that scarring ;((((((

      1. Mrs. Fenris*

        I hate the sound of balloons popping too! I got freaked out by the same thing, more than once, as a kid. You are not alone!

        The fear of clipping your pet’s nails is totally understandable too! But I don’t think you’ll have to do it every 2-3 weeks. In any case, when it does need to be done, your vet will be glad to take care of it. (Do us a favor and practice calmly handling his/her feet at home, though. Nobody ever thinks of doing this, and our lives would be so much easier.)

      2. many bells down*

        My very first real job was at a dog groomer and I *hated* cutting nails. If they’re light-colored, it’s easier because you can see the vein, but most dogs have dark nails. It got to the point for me where the fear of making them bleed was overwhelming and I couldn’t do nails anymore.

      4. Courageous cat*

        Huh. I don’t clip my cats’ nails, never have, and I don’t know anyone who does. Vet has never said that I need to either. They have a good scratching surface and they just pull their claw sheaths off naturally. Never seems to bother them!

      5. boris*

        It might be worth looking into tools for filing the nails rather than clipping them. You can get something a bit like a Dremel. You’re much less likely to catch the quick.

      6. Cat Wrangler*

        Adding super late to this – clipping cats claws can be something both you & your cat will enjoy! One of my cats PURRS while you do it, the other one is pretty relaxed. It gets done every 2-3 weeks so I just take 1-2mm off – just the very tip of the claw. No muss, no fuss

        What seems to work well is incremental steps – get cat to accept in stages: touching paws lightly & briefly, touching for longer, more firmly, holding paws briefly, holding paws longer, sliding claws in & out etc. All this can be done during normal cuddle time so it’s not a big deal.

        If the cat thinks that it is a big deal tasty treats can help make it something they enjoy. The trick is to only give the treat when they have accepted the step – so if you are up to “holding”, don’t give them a treat if they pull their paw away. The treat is only given when you release the paw. Don’t force the hold – let them pull away, but no treat.

        Clicker training is awesome for this stuff & a lot of fun. I clicker trained our fluffy cat to enjoy being combed as he didn’t even really like to be cuddled or stroked & was getting major matts. Now he RUNS when he sees his comb :)

    16. Lissa*

      I get irrationally angry when people have weddings they can’t afford and put themselves in debt, or expect others to do the same and say things it “sends a message” to not spend a ton of money on a friend/family member’s wedding. It’s not the extravagant wedding thing that bugs me – if you can afford it, awesome! Fun! But when it becomes a cultural expectation to spend thousands of dollars and expect others to spend hundreds,and you’re not wealthy – I don’t get. My rational brain understands people have the right to value different things but I still have an emotional reaction to choosing to spend on one day as opposed to like, a down payment on a house or retirement (when you can’t do both)

      1. AnnaleighUK*

        We’re saving for our wedding at the moment and everyone seems to assume we’re going to have some big extravagant thing – well, no, we’ve recently bought a cafe and a flat so hello, poor right now even though we aren’t exactly struggling for money. We’re having a small church wedding with a hog roast buffet after (having a chef as a fiancé means he has some fab contacts) and we’ve got two other receptions, one in France and one in Scotland, to budget for. Plus honeymoon in Japan/Korea. Soooo no big wedding for us! And no matter how pressured we feel by others we’re sticking to it!

        2. GirlwithaPearl*

          This is the weirdest “we’re not having a big wedding” humblebrag I’ve ever seen. Kudos.

          1. New Window*

            Won’t try to speak for her, but I have several friend-couples who met while living in foreign-to-them countries, or where each was from different countries. They ended up having two or three receptions in different places because important friends and family members weren’t able to travel the thousands of miles to be with them. More than one of these couples tried to make their weddings as small and inexpensive as possible in order to allow other loved ones to share with them.

            1. AnnaleighUK*

              Exactly this, I’m Scottish, he’s French and we are trying to include family who won’t or can’t travel to the actual ceremony by having gatherings in the other countries. I’m not ‘bragging’, unless you see explaining why we’re not having some kind of My Big Fat Really Over The Top wedding as bragging. It’s ridiculous to spend a ton of cash on one day, anyway, I’d rather spread the funds on something better, like including ailing grandparents who are too frail to fly in the celebrations.

              1. SpiderLadyCEO*

                I I remember your post from awhile back, ‘m glad to see that you balanced out how your were planning on doing things! :)

      2. Drama Llama*

        I had this reaction when my friend said “Boyfriend is saving for an engagement ring before we get officially engaged. Rings should be 2 months’ salary.” They were both unemployed. No savings. They’d worked in industries where the pay is low so it wasn’t like a huge pay cheque was waiting for them around the corner. It seemed bizarre to hold off a big life event just to follow some stupid rule about how much one needs to spend on a diamond. Particularly as their financial situation was not great.

        1. Tau*

          I’m from a culture that traditionally doesn’t do engagement rings and I honestly admit they still puzzle me. OK, nice piece of jewellery with a symbolic meaning, I can follow you so far… it costs *how* much?!

          1. StrikingFalcon*

            I’m from a culture that does do engagement rings and they still confuse me! Like the whole “one person waits for the other person to surprise them with one of the biggest decisions they’ll make in their life and and an extravagantly expensive piece of jewelry” is just. so. weird. (I do have one. The decision to get married was mutually discussed and the ring is reasonably priced)

            1. KR*

              Ugh my husband did not consult me at all when picking out my engagement ring and I’m still steamed about it.

              1. Definitely Anon For This*

                Oh my god! Me too! I was so upset. I hated the ring, and I hated that he insisted on surprising me even though I begged him not to, and I hated having to act delighted and play Happily Engaged around everyone when actually I was so sad I wanted to kill myself. I eventually moved out of our house for a bit, and 2 years later our relationship still hasn’t really recovered.

                Fun(?) fact: Men typically spend a lot more on engagement rings when they choose them without input from their partner. That’s why the industry keeps pushing the surprise proposal as the ideal.

        3. Overeducated*

          If you’re unemployed, at least saving up 2 month’s salary shouldn’t take long! (I’ll show myself out….)

          1. Mallory Janis Ian*

            Ha. I was thinking the same thing: That should be easy, on his two-month salary of zero dollars.

        4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Also, that two months salary is one of the greatest advertising lines of the 20th century. An entire multi-billion dollar industry is built around that slogan (although its not holding well as a foundation anymore) in an attempt to drive the perception of scarcity and exclusivity for a rock that isn’t necessarily that rare.

          I get your ire!

        5. NeverNicky*

          The two month’s salary thing was a marketing ploy from De Beers, who incidentally keep the price of diamonds artifically high through a near monopoly.

          My engagement ring was made to order, and has a massive stone, but as it is silver and blue topaz, cost less than a day’s pay for my partner. It’s beautiful, unique, much admired, very much my style and full of meaning.

    18. Anon for this one*

      I’m a heterosexual woman and I have difficulty dating because on an intuitive level, I feel like masculine sexuality is a toxic institution that the world is better off without. I’m not going to try to defend this as a rational stance or anything, though I’m not going to consider myself insane for feeling either when sex has been used by men against women in very systematic ways as a tool of oppression (systematic raping in war, sexual harassment in the workplace, etc). I know on a rational level that a loving (or not loving, but fun) and consensual relationship is a different thing than systemic sexual violence, it’s just that on an emotional level, it feels very wrong to me to participate even in that, in the same way that it just feels wrong to purchase a product that I know was made with unethical and possibly violent practices way up the chain from me. I just know that if it were possible, I would give up any chance of me having a sex life if it meant sexual violence could stop, and while I get on a rational level that my sex life or lack thereof can’t promote or inhibit sexual violence, on a deep and hard-to-ignore level it feels like I’m participating in something that is hurting people for my own enjoyment.

      Hopefully this is okay to post as it’s not meant as a political statement at all. I am trying to work past it (I actually live in a constant state of cognitive dissonance because I have a lot of ethical feelings that I can’t realistically comply with all of them) and I certainly don’t think men or women having enthusiastically-consented-to sex with whomever are doing something inherently unethical. It’s just something that affects my life that I can’t talk about without sounding insane or being called a “reverse sexist” or something.

      1. Junior Dev*

        I hear you. I’m a bisexual woman but most of my relationships have been with men, but I have a hard time thinking about sex and romantic relationships without thinking of all the ways society condones using those things to hurt each other. And I see my friends forming long-term loving relationships and I’m happy for them, but I can’t wrap my head around it on a emotional level. I just think of all the situations I’ve been in that involved harassment or abuse of some kind and I wonder why anyone would put themselves in a situation like that.

        Disclaimer that I know this is my situation to work on. I don’t mean that I judge others for being in relationships or anything like that. But I have such a hard time picturing myself choosing to do so these days.

      2. Wendigo*

        I don’t want to come off as negating your feeling in any way – just as providing my own perspective on this exact thing.

        I was raped and sexually assaulted multiple times when I was younger, and a few times when I was an adult. It took me a long time to come around to sex, relatively speaking.

        Though I had sex in relationship contexts from ~17 on up, I was in my mid-20s before sex was a thing I personally wanted to have, instead of a thing I did for a boyfriend or husband’s sake, as if I was doing his laundry.

        I was in my mid-30s before sex was a thing I could deeply enjoy; it could be fun before that, but there was a notable and substantial jump in my regard for it. If I think about it as if sex was a book, then I’d think of it going from “I read this book because I have to; I don’t feel much of anything about it” , then progressing to “this is a good book; while it had its ups and downs, I hope there is a sequel” to “this is the GREATEST BOOK that I wish I could tell all my friends about; I think about the characters, come up with more story for them; I think about the plot lines and new ways to interpret them; I want a sequel and I want to re-read it again and again!”

        I contrast that sharply with my experience with rape. Rape isn’t a book at all. Rape is getting beaten with the phone book. Sexual assault is having somebody throw your favorite paperback at your head. Sexual harassment – something like a bad paper-cut, or dropping a heavy book on your toe. The book, as an instrument, is there; however, the violent act isn’t about the book at all. I understand deeply how one such experience might turn someone off of books, but I am ultimately glad I didn’t turn away from books over it.

        I personally think it’s a shame when people conflate sexual assault and sex. It’s a shame they even have a similar name. Sexual assault is really a weirdo type of an assault. I think we’d all be a lot better off if we spent more time focusing on the “assault” part and less on the “sex” part.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Yes, it’s not about sex; it’s about manipulation, dominance, and control.

          I’ve been assaulted and raped also, but I like men (who aren’t assholes) and I like sex. I’m very grateful that I don’t have any major issues with it, other than a strong aversion to being restrained in any way, which I do warn partners about because it triggers a huge panic attack (not very romantic). Living without it has been really awful, actually.

      3. Indoor Cat*

        No judgement here.

        You know, 4% of American adults die without ever having sex. I was thinking about that lately, and I was thinking, “I wonder for how many people that’s intentional.” As in, that’s really what they wanted. I think you can be heterosexual (or any non-asexual orientation) and still feel like sex isn’t something you want and then just choose to opt-out. You’re allowed, if you want to. That’s the last thing someone should judge someone over. I’ll bet you’ve got a lot more company than you realize.

    19. Evie*

      I’m envious of those who are extremely social and handle social situations well. It’s something I’ll never be or be able to do well.

    20. Starley*

      I moderate a subreddit that has about 475,000 subscribers. I spend a ton of time on it and am really proud of the community, but I would never in a million years tell anyone I know in person!

    21. Anon for this*

      I hate my emotionally abusive mom. And I feel terrible about that because she’s elderly and alone and so very needy, and I’m the only one left who hasn’t run screaming from her life.

    22. Amber Rose*

      I’m almost 30 and I still sleep with my baby blanket.

      I just never stopped. It’s like a habit.

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        I also sleep with a cuddly toy. Sometimes my husband wakes up holding it. Sometimes the cat steals it. The other day he wrapped his tail around it and it was the cutest thing.

      3. Persephone*

        In my 20s with a cuddly toy. Family judges me, but it’s a security blanket as far as I’m concerned – when I’m anxious, I need something comforting, and that’s it.

        Also I’ve kept the toy because I stole it from my brother as a toddler and it’s now basically a point of pride that I keep said toy forever. My mother jokes it’ll be buried with me. If that’s what it takes for eternal victory over my brother, I’ll do it.

      4. anon24*

        I’m 25 and wore my baby blanket to pieces so I had my mom make me a new one (adult sized). Then that wasn’t enough so I stole one she made for my husband and had her make me one big enough for both of us… but I don’t share. Now I have 3 and I hide under them when I can’t take life (so at least once a day haha). They have names and I talk to them (but I don’t expect an answer heehee). I know I’m probably slightly insane but it’s better to cope with a blanket than to cope with drugs/alcohol.

      1. Sylvan*

        I say I don’t believe in ghosts, but I’m full of crap. My grandparents’ house was definitely haunted.

      2. Persephone*

        I don’t actively think about ghosts existing or not, but my mother tells me I apparently used to freak out madly at her workplace (an old boarding school) because it was haunted and I didn’t like the scary lady ghost. Also used to apparently freak out in antique stores for the same reason, and freaked out in my childhood home because “there’s a lady in there playing the organ” and yet there was no one.

        I recall absolutely zero of this, but all the family members back Mum up on it, and my grandmother fondly calls me a witch as a result. (Thanks, Nan. Can’t I have cool powers?)

      3. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        I say I don’t believe in ghosts most of the time, but I’ve had some weird experiences that I can’t come up with any other explanation for and definitely am more of a believer than a non-believer there.

      4. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I kind of believe in ghosts. I haven’t ever seen anything, and I’m envious of my friend who has seen something several times. It’s like seeing someone else have the capacity to be deeply emotionally transported by music; it’s something I want that I don’t have to the same degree, if at all.

      5. Elizabeth West*

        I’m counting on everybody who believes in ghosts to buy my book about a ghost hunter, LOL. If I can ever get it published.
        I most definitely believe in them, having grown up in a haunted house (or rather, the property).

    24. Temperance*

      A more lighthearted one: when my youngest sister was 2 or 3, my other sister and I would drive her around and take her places and listen to Eminem in the car. When she started singing “The Real Slim Shady”, I pretended not to know where she could have possibly heard it.

    25. Sylvan*

      I kind of assumed I wouldn’t still be around at this age.

      I’m still mentally ill but I’m way more optimistic about things. I don’t really know what to do with myself.

      2. Persephone*

        Ditto. I got to a point this year where I realised that was the day I’d planned to end it, and here I was – not actually planning to end it anymore.

        I’m glad you’re around, though. It warms my heart to hear stories like this – that bit by bit, things are improving.

    26. Anon for this*

      This is a weird one because I’m actually really proud of it, but it’s not something I can tell people in real life, obviously. I realized this week that my husband and I are technically millionaires. When you add up our retirement accounts, savings/investments, and equity in the house our net worth is just over a million dollars. We both started saving for retirement when we got our first jobs and with the market rally our 401(k)s and IRAs are doing really well. Neither of us are big spenders.

      It definitely doesn’t feel like we have this much though, especially since most of it is tied up in retirement vehicles or home equity loans. And you would never, ever know by looking at us. We wear a lot of Costco clothes, have an old car that we share, and have a pretty modest house. It’s our little secret.

      2. Moon*

        Where did you learn on how to save up for retirement? I have no idea how to invest my money ( about 20K)

        1. Anon for this*

          I put in enough to get the company match when I started my first job (my mom’s advice) and then I raised it a percent or two every time I got a raise. I invested in in the most aggressive fund we had and never touched it.

          Vanguard has some really good low-cost index funds I’d recommend, depending on how long you want to make the investment for.

          1. Moon*

            I don’t have a company to do any matching. It’s just me, employed by myself for myself. It’s so bad, that I don’t even know what index funds are. The money would be put away for at least 20 years. Not a big spender, and am good at saving up, just don’t think that my savings account is where I should be keeping the money.

            1. Ann O.*

              Yeah, I’m in your boat. I work multiple part-time jobs by choice, so I have no company matching. I have an IRA but the yearly max on that is super low. I have money to invest in retirement sitting in a savings account, but I haven’t figured out where I can put it!

          2. Juli G.*

            This is such a good point. I did the company match max for the first 10 years of my career and at that point, I started making enough money to live the type of moderate/comfortable lifestyle we wanted and I’ve started knocking up a percentage point or two with every raise and I don’t even miss it.

        2. bridget*

          I’m not “Anon for this,” but I personally recommend starting with the pamphlet called “If You Can.” (if you google that in quotes + pamphlet, it will be the first result). fposte recommended it in the comments here in 2014, I read it and it started me on my path to really understanding my finances and making good choices for my retirement. (Thanks, fposte!!)

          Then I graduated to the “stock series” on the blog jlcollinsnh for more detail. He has written a book (physically and ebook) if you prefer that format to blogs (they both have the same information. After I mastered those concepts, I upped my savings game even more (helped by getting higher paying jobs at the same time, granted).

          I now I have enough “f-you” money to quit any job tomorrow, if I wanted. My husband and I will technically be millionaires within the next 4-5 years.

          1. bridget*

            I should note that If You Can and jlcollinsnh do not agree with each other on all of the details, but the main points are very similar – save as much as you can (IYC is at 15%, assuming you will work until traditional retirement age; JLC recommends at least 50%, assuming you would like the option to retire much earlier), and invest in mutual funds. IYC recommends equal parts US, international, and total bond; JLC recommends 100% total US stock market while you are still accumulating.

            Both would recommend prioritizing any investment vehicles that have tax advantages, such as 401(k)s, IRAs, HSAs, etc., but if that’s not available to you, then a regular taxable account will do. I recommend Vanguard for very low cost mutual funds.

    27. Golden Ratio*

      I really am not excited and am rather indifferent about my friends’ new babies and fake the joy. It means the whole relationship will be different now and I feel pressured to buy the kids birthday gifts. Money that I would rather not spend on them.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I think that’s totally ok! I didn’t even want a baby shower because I’m old as dirt and most of my peer friends are past this point in their lives to get excited about babies. Also (and I feel like an asshole saying this knowing what’s coming) – I don’t think babies are THAT interesting. Kids from like 3-11 are pretty fun, but babies are kind of meh. Sorry, kid, but it’s kind of true :)

        I don’t think you have to buy someone else’s kid a birthday gift unless they’re related to you or you’re going to their birthday party.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        I’m with you, Golden Ratio! I’m so glad my (few) friends are past the baby-having stage of life. I’ve just never felt any excitement over it. And I also don’t want any kids of my own and never have, which could be why I feel that way.

      3. Coywolf*

        I know the feeling! Maybe give them heartfelt cards?? I’m going to start making that my thing with my family because I really don’t want to go through the stress and expense of getting gifts they might not even want or use anyway!

      4. Jen RO*

        I feel the same. Like Katie said, they do get better around the age when they can hold an actual conversation, but until then? I hope I see you after they’re asleep and I don’t have to fake too many “omg so cuuuute” comments. (Like Dawn, I don’t want kids either, which may be an important factor.)

      1. another Liz*

        I was mildly happy when Michael Jackson died, because I believe he was a pedophile. I also feel an odd sympathy/ pity/sorrow that what he was born into, he never really had a chance for a normal life.

    29. Anon for this*

      I’m tired of being single (I’m 38) but also not really motivated to date. It’s so much time and effort and I think I’m suffering from low-level ennui and just not motivated to do much in the evenings. That thing we do not name on weekends is super busy right now and I’m so tired when I get home I just put my pjs on and and watch Netflix, but Christmas party season is here and I’m tired of being the single person at the table with all the couples. (And all of my friends are married.) I’m just in a rut, I guess.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Same. I want to make more of an effort because I don’t want to be single anymore, but at the same time dating is exhausting and I hate it.

    30. Anonnie for this here*

      I’m tired of being single (I’m 38) but also not really motivated to date. It’s so much time and effort and I think I’m suffering from low-level ennui and just not motivated to do much in the evenings. That thing we do not name on weekends is super busy right now and I’m so tired when I get home I just put my pjs on and and watch Netflix, but Christmas party season is here and I’m tired of being the single person at the table with all the couples. (And all of my friends are married.) I’m just in a rut, I guess.

    31. Anonymous Saturday*

      I have never read any of the Harry Potter books, and I have no desire to. And if the world would move on from its HP obsession, I’d be happy.

      Also, I am sick and tired of superhero movies. (Though I did really enjoy Wonder Woman.)

      2. Jen RO*

        I’m a big fantasy fan… but I haven’t read HP and I’m not really planning to. I’m actually quite sure I’d enjoy them, it’s just… the hype is turning me off somehow.

    32. The Other Dawn*

      When people tell me they miss me, I feel nothing. And then I start feeling obligated to say I miss them, too. Then I feel bad for lying because I don’t really miss them. Well, I can’t say there’s absolutely no one I miss, but the list is extremely short. Like my husband and my siblings, and my parents (now deceased). That’s it. No other family members or friends.

      A friend of mine that’s been off and on over the years–mostly off lately–will text after a long period of silence with, “Miss you!” Meh, OK. I’ll text back, “You, too!” because I feel obligated to reciprocate, but I don’t actually miss her, even though it’s been many months since we texted or talked.

      I often wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I’m fine texting or emailing a person once in a blue moon, but don’t usually feel like I miss them, or feel some need to speak more often (and definitely not on the phone!). I feel like I should miss people, but I just really don’t.

      1. HannahS*

        You know, I think that a lot of time when people say “Miss you!” out of the blue like that, what they really mean is “I saw this one thing that made me think of you and I remembered that you’re a person whose company I enjoy but we don’t really see or talk to each other often, but I want to tell you that I thought of you and generally wish you well” but that’s kind of long. So we say, “miss you!” or “thinking of you!” or something like that. For example (with name changed), every day I walk past this dentist’s office and the name on the sign is Bill Bobagen. It makes me think of a close friend I had when we were about ten and OBSESSED with The Hobbit. We’re not close anymore, haven’t been for a while, see each other whenever we happen to be in the same country and honestly I don’t really wish for more because I doubt we’d have a lot to say to each other. But one of these days I’ll take a picture and send it with a funny caption because it made me smile and think of her. Or, sometimes, they mean it as a way to keep the friendship going. I moved away from Hometown and want to keep up one of my friendships. I don’t miss her, but I like to see her when I’m in town and when we live in closer proximity I hope our friendship will pick up again, so every so often we send a “Miss you, how are you, what’s up” message. I guess it can be a bit like the phrase “How are you” in that it can mean “Actually, how are you?” or just “I recognize you as a human, say you’re fine and move on.”

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Can you sometimes respond with, “Oh I just was thinking of you [recently/last week/yesterday]!” Maybe it can help you with that feeling of lying when you “have to” reply “I missed you, too!”

    33. A Nonny Mouse*

      I’ve never had much of a sex drive, and now that I’m almost 50 it’s pretty much nonexistent. I don’t mind that much. There’s probably hormones or something that could kick start things, but that sounds like more trouble than it’s worth.

    34. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Thank g-d for this thread! Now I have somewhere safe to record my petty irritation with some of the harmless quirks of a couple of my women’s group members.

      1. The one who has to vocalize about everything. The person who has the talking stick is supposed to have the floor, and we’re meant to listen without interjecting. This one woman always makes “listening noises”: “Mmmm!!” “Uh-huh!!” etc. that constantly pull my focus from the speaker to her. I think she’s a person who processes by vocalizing, but it drives me mad, because I like to become immersed in listening, and she keeps pulling me out of my immersion.

      2. The one who focuses more on showing what she knows than on mutual listening and learning. Like, instead of a mutual exchange, each of her turns to speak is a mini-lecture titled, “What I know”.

      3. The one who I feel somewhat judged by. She is very precise and literal in her speech and language, and I tend to be figurative and story-telling. She gets these WTF expressions on her face when I’m talking that feel like I’m some sort of piece of work in her estimation.

      1. Mimmy*

        I feel you on your #1. I’m on an advisory council, and a woman who has recently started to attend regularly is like this. She was two seats away from me at our meeting this past Wednesday, and I wanted to throttle her.

      2. Jen RO*

        One of my reports (who is absolutely great at her job and a very nice person) makes excessive listening noises that make it look like she’s just ignoring you… even though she definitely listens, understands and applies what I tell her. I don’t think it’s something I need to talk to her about, but it’s a bit irritating.

        1. Mallory Janis Ian*

          One of my former coworkers has this very intense “listening expression” that I found disconcerting at first. She doesn’t make listening noises, but she gets this pinched-up, pained-looking expression on her face like you’re explaining intergalactic calculus to her instead of asking her where the post-it notes are kept.

      3. The Other Dawn*

        UGH listening noises drive me nuts sometimes. One of my sisters does that, but it’s excessive. Pretty much after ever sentence I speak. Rather than sending the message, “I’m listening,” it sends the message (to me, at least), “You’re boring the crap out of me, I’m just half listening and I’m waiting for you to finish so I can move on.”

    35. jane doe*

      I don’t like the woman my wife’s cousin is going to marry soon. I don’t like her because they live in a country that provides healthcare to its citizens and people and so when she had surgery for melanoma there was no worry about money. The only thing she had to box for was new box of bandages and she could have gotten more from the hospital or her doctor but since the weather was bad and it was the middle of the night she just went to the pharmacy on the corner of her street because it was easier. My sister died from melanoma. She put off going to the doctor because she did not have insurance and could not afford it and then she decided to stop her treatment because she couldn’t afford them and was already in huge debt from the bills. If my sister lived here (where the woman my wife’s cousin is going to marry lives) she wouldn’t have had to worry about money and could have caught it early. I know I’m being irrational but I still can’t help but hate. She paid towards our wedding after the supreme court decision and got a friend of hers in her country to help with the legal stuff for our immigration to the country she and my wife’s family live in. She has never done anything to me except help. But I still don’t like her and would be happy if I never had to see her again. I haven’t told anyone this. Not even my wife. I know how irrational it is.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I’m so sorry about your sister. It’s really awful how people here can’t get care.

        And I get this–sometimes I feel angry at people who seem better off than me. Reading people’s posts about pregnancy especially are really hard for me and I often skip them entirely. I just try to remember that they’re not having babies AT me.

      2. Drama Llama*

        I’m so sorry about your sister. Nobody should die because they can’t afford medical treatment.

        I’m sorry.

    36. anon anon anon*

      I’m really, really angry at my terminally ill father. I thought I had successfully cut him out of my life, but now that he’s ill, he’s invaded all of my other family relationships and is making my mother and my sister and I overturn our lives to accommodate him. I can’t say anything negative about him because now that he’s ill apparently he is beyond reproach. I can’t stand being around him and while I feel bad about his illness I would honestly be thrilled if I never had to see him again.

      As a corollary, I am also very angry at the rest of his family for doing sod all to help out while my mother wears herself into the ground to care for him, even though they are split up. But I don’t mind telling people that.

      1. anon anon anon*

        Also, this is incredibly petty but it also annoys me when I tell people about the situation (i.e for work) and they say things like, “The most important thing is to spend as much time as possible with Daddy!!” I know they’re well-meaning but the assumptions just grate terribly.

      2. Moon*

        At some point I realized that people who are terrible ( mean, abusive….) parents do not get to cry for care and love just because they are suddenly old and/or sick. Everyone who tells your mother or you that you should do this and that to him should stfu and just do it themselves then, if they care about this person so much. Ugh, I can relate to this.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        You remind me of me decades ago.
        I did not cry at my mother’s funeral. I had spent decades crying. I ran out of tears, I guess. The day she died I turned 60 years younger. I was only 23.

        You might consider installing a punching bag or stationary bike in your home or taking long walks to help yourself, if any of this is possible for your setting. I had a stationary bike and a rowing machine at that time. I used them. Daily. This was a challenge because I was not physically fit AT ALL.

        I hope your path gets easier for you very soon. I am very sorry.

    37. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I would love to date someone like Dwight Schrute for a couple of years (not marriage/for life because too much) because wow would that be interesting. I don’t think any of my RL friends would understand, lol.

    38. anon for this*

      I think people who lie about needing a service animal and who stick service animal vests on their pets just because they want to bring their pets everywhere are awful, selfish people. The same goes for people who lie about needing a service animal just so they can get a pet into a no-pet apartment.

      I wish it was easier for people who truly need them to get service animals, and I understand there’s difficulty in deciding who may need one, but so many people abuse this because it’s easy to buy a service vest online, and it makes it that much harder for people who do need a service animal. I was complaining once about how hard it was to find dog friendly apartments, and a former coworker admitted that she lied to her landlord about having severe anxiety attacks and that she needed her cat as a therapy animal because she didn’t want to go through the hassle of finding a pet friendly apartment.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        A friend of mine did the same thing. She didn’t exactly lie, as she does have depression and anxiety, but she chose to get something from her doctor stating her cat is a therapy pet so she could bring him to a no-pets apartment. She admitted that her depression and anxiety are pretty well controlled and doesn’t need a therapy animal, but she didn’t want to have to have to keep searching for a place that allows pets. I told her that was a crappy thing to do and she reluctantly agreed, but I think she still doesn’t think it’s hurting anyone. She’s also someone who likes the thrill of finding loopholes or ways to skirt the rules. It really annoys me, but that’s another story.

      2. Mimmy*

        Another thing that makes this sort of behavior easy is because the ADA forbids asking questions about the service animal or requiring documentation. I think the only thing that can be asked are what the animal is trained to do and maybe one other question that I’m blanking on. (I know there are other disability laws with service animal provisions, but the ADA is the only one I’m familiar with)

      3. blackcat*

        This is a thing for me, too.

        I was so, so angry when I was on a flight with a couple who had a LARGE “service dog” that they brought into the cabin on a plane. While we were waiting to board, the dog aggressively snapped at anyone who walked by, including children. Nothing ended up happening, but having a poorly trained 70+lb dog in the cabin of a plane just isn’t safe.

        If you genuinely need an emotional support animal, at least get one that is under 30lbs for crying out loud. I have zero problems with well-trained german shephards as actual service animals, since they are smart and super loyal. But who the hell gets a dog that grows to be the size of a 8 year old child, doesn’t train it, AND THEN BRINGS IT ON A PLANE?!?!

        On the stranger side, I once encountered a parrot with a “service animal” vest on a plane. It was in the same type of soft-sided carrier that a dog or cat would be in. I only noticed it when it kept saying “Out. Out.” presumably requesting to get out of the carrier.

      4. Not So NewReader*

        Sincere question: How prevalent is this? I have seen maybe one or two people around here where I questioned the purpose of the animal. Is it a bigger thing in more populated areas?

        1. anon for this*

          I see a decent amount in the city. Also, there’s a surprising amount of people online who admit to doing this, or who accidentally reveal their “service animal” isn’t really a trained service animal, but a pet they bought and use as a service animal.

    39. Mallory Janis Ian*

      Wow, this is like Post Secret, and I want to tell another one:

      I have been avoiding going to my brother’s house for about a year because I’m at the end of my rope with my husband’s unfinished household projects, and I can’t stand to see one finished project after another at my brother’s house. I feel distressed that my husband gets a project to the point where the house is actually worse than when he started, and then he just wanders off into his mental fuzzy space and leaves it that way. Meanwhile, my brother knows how to methodically work from beginning to end, and his projects leave their house better than when he started. I feel like a chump for all the times I’ve gotten excited when my husband started a project, and I feel like his unfinished projects are a measure of his love for me. My love language is acts of service, and I’m really confused and hurt that he would let his loss of motivation leave me living with these awful unfinished messes. And then I have to watch my SIL get every repair and upgrade she ever wants from my brother.

      1. Ermintrude Mulholland*

        Sending total empathy – I work exactly the same way and this would hurt me so much. Thank you for expressing it so clearly, I’ve never quite realised that’s how I work before.

      2. Jessi*

        Could you ask your brother to come and finish off one or two of the half done projects in your house that are bothering you the most? Also maybe now is the time to ban your spouse from starting any more projects till all open projects are done?

    40. Coywolf*

      Lol you said no judgement so I’ll go ahead and admit…. I am in LOVE with Eminem’s new beard. I have always loved his music, always thought he was cute, but now HOT DAMN! O.O

    41. Anon Accountant*

      A grand mal seizure in 2014 left my shoulder dislocated and my body bruised and sore. My cousin, a nurse, and mom immediately told the doctors and EMTs I had sleep apnea and my oxygen dropped low, therefore the seizure. I’d never had a sleep study and s subsequent sleep study ruled that out. Thankfully they started meds and I’m doing well.

      The only people who are authorized to receive my medical records are 2 close friends. Because I don’t trust Mom, my cousin or other family.

      1. Anon Accountant*

        Add in at 2 subsequent doctor appointments Mom took charge and my cousin called ahead, telling them I resisted a sleep apnea diagnosis and couldn’t have epilepsy.

        My cousins husband had been diagnosed with sleep apnea so they were on a mission. Don’t know how else to describe their pushiness.

      2. Emily*

        That is such weird and bad behavior from your mom and cousin. I’m glad that you’re receiving treatment for your actual medical issues and are able to keep your medical records out of their hands.

    42. Mike C.*

      The best thing for me about watching professional sports – especially those that involve vehicles (motor sports, America’s Cup, Tour de France, etc) are when the engineering team finds a really clever way to cheat. I figure the amount of work finding loopholes in the rules and designing outside the box more than makes up the moral issues around cheating.

      /This isn’t related to my beliefs about cake though, there’s nothing clever about going to a professional.

    43. Def anon fort his*

      I gave up thumb sucking ummmm like in my 20s and would pick it back up in a heart beat if there was no social stigma

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I have a habit that I recently realized must be a relic from my childhood thumb-sucking days: I sleep with my hand curled up near my mouth, with my index finger resting lightly against my upper lip and my thumb near my mouth but tucked into the curl of my hand. I never thought about it until one day recently my son came home and saw me sleeping on the couch and asked his dad, “Is she sucking her thumb?!

  2. Harriet*

    I had a really painful breakup this week – I met this guy fairly recently and we just clicked, everything was wonderful, and we stormed full steam ahead into a relationship… until it all went a bit wrong this past week. He is more recently broken up with an ex than I realised (my assumption more than anything), and he was very honest and said he’s confused and still not over the ex and should have taken much longer after the breakup before trying to meet anyone new…I am surprised by how painful I have found the entire situation though. I can’t even be angry at him because he’s possibly the most feminist, most good guy I’ve ever known and he was really upfront and honest. But I am more upset by this breakup than by any I’ve ever had before – and I’ve had some very serious long term relationships. My friends are being great. But I just really wish things could have been different, and cannot face the thought of throwing myself into the dating pool again. I have a history of abuse and not everyone can deal with the issues that throws up.
    So – any success stories of mid-30s people with lots of past trauma and issues having a happy ever after?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m so sorry to hear this – that you had your hopes up and got hurt. The fact he’s a good guy means there was more to lose and that’s really hard.

      A good friend of mine from university had several abusive relationships and met the person to whom she’s very happily married in her 30s. It most certainly can happen. Try to hold onto some hope, and to be kind to yourself right now.

    2. NeverNicky*

      Not lots of past relationship trauma, but I’ve have my own MH issues, and didn’t have my first serious relationship until I was in my early thirties. Wasn’t the best relationship – lots of low level emotional and mental abuse – and I physically left just over six years ago, when I was 41.

      An old friend was going through a break up too – we’d recently re-connected on Facebook – so we commiserated together. And then we decided to give the girlfriend/boyfriend thing a try, and we’ve been sickeningly happy ever since, despite going through divorce (his), redundancy, cross country moves, long distance relationship, dissertation hell, bereavement, house purchase…

      It can be done. And in your case – it may just take time. I first met my partner 23 years ago, there was always a bit of a spark but it never came to anything, but eventually we were both in the right place to make it work … hopefully it won’t be that long for you though!

      1. Harriet*

        I love this story, thank you so much for sharing it! And I’m really happy it worked out so well for you :)

    4. Triplestep*

      I’m sorry; ending a relationship while you’re right in the midst of the “gaga phase” feels awful.

      I don’t want this to come across as classic bash-the-ex style advice, but I would like to point out that if you didn’t realize just how recently his last relationship had ended, then he wasn’t entirely upfront and honest as you describe him. Sure, he may have been while explaining why he wanted to end things with you, but before that? It doesn’t sound like it.

      I suspect the reason that this is more painful than the end of much longer relationships is actually because of how new it this was. I’ve heard it said that our brains behave differently in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship; even things that might seem like flaws later are endearing, and we idealize people. It’s nature’s way of insuring we actually pair up. Maybe you are mourning *the potential* you had with this great guy, while the break-ups of your longer term relationships felt like losses of something concrete that you could explain logically. It’s hard to argue with your brain’s chemistry, but maybe trying to think more logically about this break up when those “loss of potential” feelings float to the surface will get you through this with a bit less pain.

      I don’t have what I’d call a history of abuse, although I did have a verbally/emotionally abusive first husband. When I rejoined the dating pool in my mid-thirties, I had two kids and a not-so-great financial situation. But I was also determined not to repeat the mistakes that had led to the choice of the first husband , so I set up some very non-romantic rules about the next guy with whom I’d get serious (I was potentially picking a step-father for my kinds, after all) and then I applied those rules by casually dating A LOT and determining early on if the guys had the potential to be serious or not. If not, I would still date them casually, and I get you might not see yourself doing that given your history. I don’t want to assume too much there. But the point is I gave myself a lot of choices (thank you internet dating sites!) which helped me really fine tune my rules.

      I know this seems awfully dry and pragmatic, but applying rules led me to break up with guys during the gaga phase (which is why I know how bad it feels) and later choose to date someone I might not have considered previously. We’ve been married 14 happy years :)

      Even though time is really the only thing that heals what you’re going through, I hope your healing experience goes as quickly as possible.

      1. Harriet*

        Right in the midst of the ‘gaga phase’ is exactly the right description! And yes, I think loss of potential is the thing that stings so much.

        In his defence, he mentioned the first time I met him he was recently broken up, and I knew it was under 6 months from something else he’d said…I just didn’t ask exactly how recent, and told myself if he was dating he must be ok with it. I have been kicking myself for not pressing the point at the time – but he thought he was ready, and I have two friends who are very happy after getting together when one of them had literally just got out of a marriage and everyone (me included) thought this was a terrible idea that would crash and burn….so even if I had known the exact time I think I’d probably have ignored it and told myself it would be ok.

        And I love your point about pragmatic rules. When I decided to start dating again I did actually put some rules in place for myself, mostly around taking things slowly and getting to know people gradually. And then I got completely carried away and disregarded all of my rules with this guy because it all seemed so wonderful. So maybe as painful as this is, it will help me be more clearheaded and stick to my rules in the future…

        Thanks so much for commenting. I’m definitely going to be using this as inspiration :)

    5. Kat*

      Poor you. Sorry to hear that. :( I’m not a success story unfortunately (not yet anyway!) but I think we will both be fine. Just take care of yourself in this difficult time.

      1. Harriet*

        I saw your comment downthread, and yes dating in your 30s can really suck. I think I’m in the same place as you in more than one way, so yes – I’m sure we’ll both be fine.

    7. Fabulous*

      I spent most of my 20’s in two dead-end relationships. Thankfully neither were abusive, but they still did a toll on my psyche regardless. I moved back home at 28 and the second relationship strung along for the next couple years too. We weren’t really still in a relationship, but it totally messed up my head thinking he still wanted to be with me, etc. The breaking point was when he invited me to his brother’s wedding. All his family kept asking when we were getting married and I didn’t have an answer. He was one of my best friends and one of the nicest people I’ve ever met so it made cutting off ties that much more difficult. Still took me a year afterward and a few horrible dates with people I met online before I found someone I liked again. I occasionally sent out messages to people on the dating sites but not often. Didn’t get many responses back. But one did. And he’s been seriously amazing. We’re actually planning on getting married and starting a family soon. I hope you have some luck too. And who knows, maybe once your guy gets things sorted out, he may contact you again. I know it’s super cliche to say “love will find you when you stop looking” but I had basically given up hope that I’d find someone, and along he came, so there you go.

    8. Melody Pond*

      In the poly/non-monogamous community, the stage of a relationship you’re describing is often referred to as NRE – New Relationship Energy, although I think New Relationship Euphoria is an even more accurate descriptor.

      I’ve been in a long-term relationship with Mr. Pond for 5.5 years now, and over the summer of 2016, I started dating another guy where we very similarly clicked and, as you said, stormed full steam ahead into a relationship. It fell apart catastrophically after seven weeks (right in the middle of NRE), in all the most triggering ways possible. And even though it was very new, and even though I still had Mr. Pond, my primary partner, it was horrifically painful. It hurt a lot for well over a year, which seems silly given the length of the relationship. I’ve had recurring nightmares about the whole experience, and they still happen, though less and less frequently.

      My point is – NRE is a hell of an intense phase, and it’s incredibly painful to have that connection broken suddenly and unexpectedly. Breakups are always painful, but breakups during NRE are traumatic in a very particular way. I’m not at all surprised to hear that you’re finding this breakup more difficult than any you’ve had before, including your more serious long-term relationships.

      I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Please know that the amount of hurt you’re experiencing is 100% appropriate and reasonable. It will get better with time, and in the meantime please give yourself lots of acceptance and space for these feelings.

      2. Harriet*

        Thank you for this comment – I’ve found so much validation in IRL friends and people here telling me similar stories of new relationships ending being so painful. And I love the concept of NRE – that expresses everything so well.
        I’m sorry you went through that experience, but thank you for taking the time to share – it has really helped.

      3. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

        Yes! NRE basically functions in your brain as a drug. It spikes your dopamine, makes you feel fantastic, gets you craving MORE MORE MORE. Breaking up during that stage, or anything that causes your brain to think it can’t get its hit anymore (e.g., for me, certain behaviors can trigger fears of abandonment due to past baggage)? Cue total meltdown.

        I’m still pretty deep in NRE with the partner I’ve been dating for about 5 months, and he moved away a couple weeks ago. Across the country. Completely unexpectedly (for both of us). For now, we’re seeing if we can make something long distance work… but for the first few days after I found out, man, I was a total mess, and convinced everything was ruined forever. But if a similar situation had come up with my partner of 5 years, I would have reacted totally differently. Sad, yes, but with a more rational initial reaction of “okay, this will be different. How are we going to make this work?” And not “BUT HOW CAN I SURVIVE WITHOUT MY DOPAMINE HIT!? WAAAAAH.”

        Point being… it’s suuuuper normal for a breakup to affect you more than you expected when you’re still early on in a relationship. Your brain does that on purpose. It’s throwing a tantrum to try to get more happy-chemicals. Be kind to yourself while you come to terms with it.

        Hugs if you want them. :)

    9. Stellaaaaa*

      It is very, very painful to realize that someone you like/love will only ever think of you in relation to someone else that they love more. It sucks to feel like you’re a reaction to someone else.

      1. Harriet*

        I think that’s the thing…it seemed so good between us, but if he’s still thinking fondly of those years of shared history and love then… it’s painful, as you said.
        It sounds like you’re speaking from experience – I hope you’re ok x

    10. Effie*

      I’m so sorry. I too am suffering from romantic relationship blues. I hope you are really kind to yourself this weekend and indulge yourself in some way (warm bubble bath, trashy novel, fudge, whatever). It’ll get better!

      1. Harriet*

        Thank you, and I’m sorry you’re suffering too. I had lots of kitty cuddles and long chats with friends – I hope you managed to indulge yourself too. We’ll get there :)

    11. LilySparrow*

      Not the same background as you, but I didn’t even meet my now-DH until I was in my 30’s, and it was a couple of years before we started dating.
      Our 14th wedding anniversary was this fall.
      Time is your friend, not your enemy. We could not have had a happy relationship if we’d met younger. We needed to be our later selves to be good together.

      1. NeverNicky*

        I’ve shared my story above and what you’ve said about timing is absolutely true there too, I love how you expressed it.

        1. Triplestep*

          Totally agree – I also shared my story above, and we too just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. When I was dating after my divorce a friend told me I needed to find a mensch had just not marketed himself well and was therefore still single. That’s exactly what happened, and I had to be my more mature self to recognize our compatability. I sadly would not have found his wonderful geeky nerdiness at all appealing in my 20s.

    12. Jemima Bond*

      I didn’t meet my boyfriend until I was 35 (5 years ago). We’d both been in relationships and dated but nothing had worked out for either of us, no special reason. We met online (and he was the seventeenth man I dated in that “season” of internet dating (I’d find it once before) so I truly understand about feeling exhausted and losing hope!
      The practicalities (such as jobs including a military tour to Afghanistan and the vagaries of the property market) means it’s taken us a while but we are buying a house together and I have informed him (because ime many men don’t respond well to hints) that an engagement should follow swiftly. He seemed fine with that!
      Anyway he’s a prince among men and I could bang on for hours about how lovely he is to me. And he has a fabulous bottom.
      I hope this is duly encouraging!

    13. Parenthetically*

      Ohhhh, I’ve been there! Yes, mid-thirties; yes, trauma history; yes, got into a relationship with someone more recently split up than I’d initially realized (divorced, actually); yes, he was a genuinely good guy and I couldn’t blame him at all for the breakup.

      I’m now VERY happily married with a newborn, and he’s very happily married with a lovely toddler. It took some counseling to excavate a lot of that past trauma and when I met my husband I was in a much better place myself.

      Best of luck to you as you move forward.

      1. Harriet*

        Thank you! I’m glad you’re in a better place and have a lovely baby :)
        And yes, I have made an appointment with my counsellor after taking a break for a while…

    14. Harriet2*

      I’m a Harriet too! And yes, it can happen.

      Part of the reason I think this recent break-up stings so badly is because it was going well and has ended due to things totally beyond your control. It wasn’t that he was an ass, or that he got hit by a meteor or anything – it was just the wrong time. But you were invested and interested and there’s a reason but it’s just not one you can do anything about. It’ll take time but it’ll stop hurting.

      And there are definitely great love stories for those over 30! I’m one – looking for a fling after a long mucky relationship, met a guy via Tinder and just didn’t want to stop spending time with him. We’re buying a home together, we travel together, we’re both so happy together and our families have both made comments about the difference in us. It’s amazing and I feel very lucky.

  3. DanaScully*

    Good morning from Brighton, England! I’m here for the weekend and it’s so beautiful here. Definitely one of my favourite places in the world. The sunsets over West Pier are wonderful and I’m in awe every time I leave my hotel. I’ll reply to my post with a photo.

    Today I’m at a conference for LGBT people and I’m so excited! Wishing all of you a wonderful weekend.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I love Brighton! If you get time to have a rummage in Snoopers Paradise I’ll be delightedly jealous.

      1. nep*

        What’s Snoopers Paradise? (I know I could search it online but I’d rather hear it from an enthusiastic Ramona Flowers.)

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Imagine if you got a bunch of charity/ thrift shops, market and vintage stalls and put them all in one building. You can find everything from old toys and games consoles to clothes and jewellery. I’ve spotted all kinds of random stuff in there – vintage knitting patterns, a Furby a book on collecting thimbles… it’s a treasure trove of random stuff. If you like that kind of thing it is indeed a paradise.

      2. DanaScully*

        Thanks for the tip. I’ve got a few hours to myself this afternoon and it looks like it’s not too far away. Will check it out!

  4. Lynn*

    Australia voted in favour of same-sex marriage this week (specifically, they voted in favour of changing the law regarding same-sex marriage) and our Prime Minister has suggested it will be done by Christmas. The turnout was almost 80% and 61.6% of voted yes.

    It’s been…mixed reactions – and I mean from the supporters. Those in favour are of course happy with the result, but frustrated that it took so much time/effort/money to convince the government to finally take action. The vote cost over $100million (AUD) which could well have been spent on more needed areas. Opinion polls have predicted the 60/40 split for years, and okay opinion polls have proven wrong on two big occasions recently, but really, it should never have gone to a vote in the first place.

    It’s also been divisive, as always predicted it will be. One of my friends told me that she still believes marriage is between a man and a women, but she voted yes because she doesn’t think her own beliefs should dictate who other people can/should marry. On the one hand, good that she doesn’t want to impose her belief on others, but on the other, I now know that if I were to choose to marry my same-sex partner she wouldn’t view it as a real marriage. Now that would’ve been true with or without the vote, but it’s less likely she would’ve shared that with me in this way.

    Anyway, it remains to be seen how this whole thing will play out. But for now, it’s an early Christmas for those in Australia who’ve been wanting this for so long.

    1. JenM*

      Congratulations Australia. Hopefully they’ll follow through and you’ll have marriage equality by Christmas. A referendum should never be used to decide people’s rights. When we had ours in Ireland I remember thinking how humiliating it is to have to ask your fellow citizens “can we please have the same rights as you”. And as you say it was so divisive.

    2. Steve*

      I think govt should get rid of marriage and replace with civil contracts. Let marriage be a personal thing between partners only or with those the partners want to be a part of the marriage.

        1. Steve*

          I would like the civil contract to not be called marriage. Let marriage be a spiritual or religious contract with no legal force. So those that think marriage means something in particular to them could get married by an organization that defines marriage that way. That way the legal benefits of what is now marriage are open to all, and the spiritual meaning of marriage is open to all to define however they see fit.

          If that makes sense.

          2. Manuscriptgeek*

            Every time the marriage debate comes up on the Internet, someone argues for giving everyone domestic partnerships through the government. The problem with this solution is that it cedes the concept of marriage itself to religious groups, specifically those religious groups who are the most resistant to welcoming married people who don’t fit their model. For instance, churches that don’t hold by divorced people remarrying could say that remarried formally divorced people aren’t married at all. That would be an awful result. As a married gay person myself, I value that people around me recognize my marriage as a marriage. If I had a domestic partnership recognized by government and a marriage recognized by my religious group but not by other sects, many of the people around us would not treat us as a married couple.

            1. Steve*

              You could get a legal partnership and find a church that you agree with on marriage and get married through them. Let different religious organizations define what marriage means to them. I think it is wrong to have government force others how to think with regards to what marriage means. Why should govt force religious sects you disagree to treat you as married. You would have the legal protections of a legal union. It seems you want to force the religious beliefs.

              I say”you”, but I mean that in a general sense. Of course I don’t know what you personally would push

              1. Christy*

                The government doesn’t force religions to treat you as married, though. Like, I have a secular marriage—I was married in a non-religious ceremony by a Presbyterian minister who filed my marriage license with the county. If I were to go to my childhood Catholic church and ask if I “counted” as married to them, I wouldn’t because I haven’t gone through the Catholic sacrament of marriage.

                If I were to work for a Catholic school, say, then for legal purposes they’d have to recognize me as married and give my spouse spousal benefits even if I weren’t married according to the church.

                That part where the church has to recognize legal marriage even if it doesn’t recognize spiritual marriage doesn’t change whether it’s called “legal marriage” or “donestic partnership”.

                1. Akcipitrokulo*

                  Actually you would count as married to the Catholic church. My other half is trying to get an annulment at the moment because his secular marriage between someone nondenominational and someone Jewish is regarded as a valid marriage.

                2. Christy*

                  I mean honestly *I* wouldn’t count because I’m married to another woman. But good to know! I honestly find that shocking.

                3. Florida*

                  My Catholic mother and Episcopal stepfather got married in the Episcopal Church. Years later, my stepfather became Catholic. They have to have their marriage blessed by the Catholic Church in order for it to be recognized by the Catholic Church.

              2. Christy*

                By the way, and I mean this seriously and not in a snarky way, if I’d wanted the “religious beliefs” associated with marriage (I’m guessing you mean like, spiritual recognition of my marriage), I would have gotten a religious marriage. I know I had a secular ceremony, and I’m 100% ok with a religion not thinking I count as spiritually married when I never intended to be spiritually married.

              3. Temperance*

                I am an atheist, married to another atheist. Why should religious organizations get to own marriage, and good, secular taxpayers be relegated to lower status?

                1. Steve*

                  What is the lower status? I am confused. If you want to be married and not for the spiritual part of it, i assume you just want the legal part. That is just a contract, between spouses and govt. What more would an atheist want? Just the word marriage?

                2. Christy*

                  The social and societal part! The part where I can introduce my wife as “my wife” and not as “my domestic partner”. The part where our relationship is taken as seriously by society as we take it.

                  I need to disengage because frankly I’m getting really angry and hurt that people still think that I don’t warrant the word “marriage” because I’m atheist and a lesbian. It’s very easy and low-emotion to argue against marriage when it isn’t a personal argument. Trust me, it’s very personal to many of us.

                3. fposte*

                  @Steve–that and the cultural implications of same, which are no small thing.

                  I think you are, without realizing it, arguing in a circle. You’re starting with the notion that “marriage” as a term is dependent on the inclusion of religion. But it’s not; it hasn’t been for a very long time in most places. It doesn’t make any more sense to say that the term “marriage” should suddenly be restricted to those who marry in the church than, say, to state the term “citizen” should be restricted to people with no religious affiliation. Even if people said those non-citizens could be called “born residents” and had the same legal rights, it’s a symbolic caste system.

                4. Temperance*

                  @Steve: the societal recognition and social benefits that come with marriage. It’s a falsehood that some sects of Christianity push that they own marriage.

                  You KNOW that it’s lower status, which is why you suggested reserving marriage for religious people, because it’s pretty obvious you are one.

              4. CityMouse*

                So you’re just applying a different label to the exact same thing? I fail to see the point entirely. If this legal union maintains all of the same government benefits and social benefits of marriage, is there really any reason whatsoever to change the name? It would just confuse people and be a big hassle for real discernible reason whatsoever.

            1. Akcipitrokulo*

              No… marriage could be a religious or non-religious action. It would just be an individual choice.

          4. fposte*

            I think if religious groups want a term that’s limited to religious unions, that’s fine, but they need to come up with their own special name that isn’t already a common and legal English term. You can have a separate religious word–just don’t try to poach an existing term to do it.

              1. fposte*

                I’m not sure what time and language you’re thinking of for “starting out,” but it’s kind of a moot point what it meant in the 6th century anyway; the fact is “marriage” has long had a legal, civil meaning and that’s not going away. If it’s really important to some people to have a separate term for union from that legal meaning, the burden’s on them to come up with one. If it doesn’t matter to them enough to devise a term, maybe that’s a sign the differentiation isn’t as important as they thought.

              2. HannahS*

                No, it’s not correct. The opposite is actually true. Here’s a very generalized explanation. Let’s back way, way up into the past. Well before Christianity. The whole reason marriage exists as a social institution is to ensure that when the man dies, his children and widow get his wealth and property. How do societies achieve that? By having two people to swear an oath in front of witnesses. That way, if the dude dies, there are people who can attest that, indeed, this was his wife and these were his children. Do the witnesses need to be religious? No. Does there need to be a religious authority present? Depends on the society, but it’s generally optional, because where are the religious authorities? They might be traveling, or in a temple in the big city, or they might just be the local wise-woman who blesses (and occasionally curses, just to keep things fun) the union.

                In this hypothetical situation that there’s some contest over dead dude’s property–say, his brother wants it and maintains that this woman is not dead dude’s widow, who is the person making the final judgement? Well, it might be a court, or a magistrate, or a council of tribesmen, or even just a plea before the tribal patriarch, depending on the size and structure of the society. But it was generally not the religious authorities, because again, they weren’t there.

              3. Temperance*

                This is a lie told in some churches to further give Christians a higher status than non-Christians and secular folk. But please, do go on.

                I’m assuming that you’re American. Marriage here has historically been available to men and women regardless of their religious background.

              5. Sylvan*

                No. People in a variety of cultures, with a variety of religions, all over the world throughout history have had marriages. If you can point to the culture in which it originated, go right ahead.

          5. HannahS*

            In countries where same-sex marriage is legal, the situation you describe already exists. I don’t know why this would come as a surprise, but religious marriage already has no legal force. If two Jews were to exchange rings, sign a ketubah, and declare themselves married before witnesses, they’d be married according to Jewish law. It doesn’t count to the government unless they sign a civic contract and are declared married by an agent of the state. Civic marriage is open to everyone, and religious marriage is open to people who want it and can get married in institutions that are define marriage however they see fit. In fact, the only part of your suggestion that doesn’t already apply is suggesting that only religious marriage be called marriage. But let’s be real, Steve. Would you actually be ok with my synagogue’s rabbi presiding over a lesbian wedding and calling that marriage? Would you be fine with two pagan men handfasting in the woods and calling that marriage? But also saying that a man and a woman who want to sign a civic contract so that they can live together and have lots of babies and live in heterosexual bliss are not married? Because according to your suggestion, that’s what would happen. Or is this just code for “I don’t want to call two men or two women ‘married'”?

          6. Ramona Flowers*

            This really frustrated me to an extent that I only just got it together to reply.

            My husband and I were born into different faiths and could only have a civil marriage. I’m pretty steamed at the idea of being shut out of being married as a result.

      2. Akcipitrokulo*

        I agree. The legal side is a civil contract, and if you eant to have a religious or personal marriage as well or instead of go for it… but legal side is the civil contract.

          2. JamieS*

            That strikes me more as fact than opinion. Legal marriage, that is married under the eyes of the law, is essentially a civil contract. People can get “married” in the eyes of their church but not be legally married (such as polygamous marriages). In those cases the legal side of marriage (tax breaks, ability to make life or death decisions, divorce law if union is dissolved, etc.) wouldn’t apply since they aren’t legally married.

            1. Persephone*

              I think that’s what happens (happened?) in my gma’s home country. You’ve got the civil marriage, which is required, then the religious marriage which is whatever, do it if you want to.

              Both parts are called marriage, though. But if you just get/got married in religious circumstances, the state wouldn’t recognise it. They were two separate events (I think by about a fortnight), with the civil union coming first.

              (Just did a bit of googling and this still happens over there from what I can tell, but I don’t know the full intricacies of it – just remember being really confused by my gma’s anniversary date happening twice, and that none of the family on that side being confused by it.)

              1. Jen RO*

                So uhm… that’s not the norm all over the world? How does it work in the US?

                Here you have two separate ceremonies – civil marriage and religious marriage. The civil one lasts 5 minutes – you sign a registry and that’s it. This is the legal part – you don’t need to do anything else to be legally married. The religious marriage is optional and doesn’t mean anything legally, but most (all?) priests ask you for your marriage certificate before they perform the ceremony. You can have both ceremonies on the same day, but there are lots of people who have months, if not years, between them.

                1. blackcat*

                  Generally in the US, you pick up the legal document ahead of time, and you have to show ID, swear you aren’t currently married to someone else, enter personal info, etc. You have a certain amount of time in which a ceremony must be performed. Who can perform the ceremony depends on the state, but the person performing the ceremony and at least one witness sign the paper and you send it back. They you are married.

                  I got married in California, with my brother in law performing the ceremony. He registered online with a “church” in order to perform marriages. The state of California not only does not check if you have a legitimate officiant–the documents straight up say that they *will not check* and it is up to the couple to determine if an individual can legally perform a ceremony. If I recall correctly, the paperwork did not require my brother in law to swear he was legit, so it wouldn’t been a crime for him to lie about it. There is also a way in most California Counties for someone to register as a temporary “justice of the peace” to legally perform ceremonies, but it is more expensive than becoming a part of an online “church.”

                  The general idea is that this allows clergy to perform the legal ceremony. But determining who is “clergy” is difficult, so many states throw their hands up and basically allow anyone to perform these legally binding ceremonies.

                  A few states, mostly those with a lot of Quakers, also offer something that is called a self-uniting license. This is to address religions that do not have clergy per se. These are signed by the couple and a larger number of witnesses.

                  Some states, like Nevada, allow private entities to issue licenses and then turn them into the state/county. This is why Las Vegas is known for “quickie weddings.” You can literally show up to a “chapel” and get married then and there.

                  tl;dr, In almost all states, there is some interaction with the government to procure the legal documents for marriage, but there is only one ceremony and you are “married” once those documents get dropped in the mail and sent back to the right government office.

                2. Natalie*

                  To add to Blackcat’s explanation, most (possibly all) US states automatically give clergy the ability to officiate a marriage, without an extra step. Laypeople generally have to get a specific license (unless they’re a judge).

                3. Persephone*

                  I’m in Aus and my knowledge of marriage is very rusty, but as far as I know, you do paperwork prior to getting marriage saying you’re planning on getting hitched. Then you and your witnesses sign on the wedding day, which the celebrant takes care of. Then, that’s it. There’s nothing separate, but you can choose to have a plain ol’ celebrant or a religious ceremony. So long as the person solemnising the marriage is authorised to do so, Australia doesn’t particularly care how it gets done (oh, and I believe the celebrant has to use some official sounding words in the ceremony, which define marriage in Australia, for it to be legal).

          3. Grapey*

            I currently hold that opinion myself and didn’t until “the gays” could get married. (Many gay people didn’t want to be married BECAUSE of that definition, and that’s why my opinion changed.) It’s also possible to acknowledge that the societal definition of “marriage” is powerful enough for many other gay people and atheists to want the status it gives. (being atheist and married, myself.)

            But over time, if the term “marriage” gets colloquially replaced with “civil union”, I’m not going to complain.

      3. Temperance*

        This only works if literally every existing legal marriage is dissolved and reclassified as a “civil contract”. Also, this only comes up when the subject of same-sex marriage is floated. I find that “interesting”.

        1. Steve*

          Not it solves a problem. You have your belief about marriage, others have a different belief. Protect the rights of all to be with who they choose and have the legal protections they deserve. And let people who want a spiritual connection, which has I think marriage historically was, define that connection in a way that suits them.

          You can grandfather in current marriages.

          1. HannahS*

            No, historically marriage was not a spiritual connection. It was a contract that involved the transfer of property (property being daughters, land, livestock, and money). The fact that it sometimes involved religious oaths before witnesses was because there weren’t other ways of making contracts in pre-literate societies.

          2. Temperance*

            Nope. This is ridiculous and discriminatory. Why not call your relationship a “Christian marriage”, and leave the rest of us be?

          3. Temperance*

            You keep dog whistling. What are your beliefs about marriage, exactly, that you feel the need to exclude anyone who disagrees with you from having the same relationship status? Just come out and say it.

              1. Steve*

                I am completely, 100 % for gay rights. Whatever law we have about marriage should treat gays and straight people the same. It is wrong and, imo, evil to have laws that discriminate against gays. Please do not imply I am anti-gay. I think there are 2 parts to marriage, a civil part and a religious part. I like the idea of separating the two.

                Though I don’t think it should have to be said, for the record, I am not Christian or any religion. And i am not married.

              2. Steve*

                Also, in the scheme of what I would like, giving gays the right to marry in the system we have now is much more favorable then them not having the right to marry. I just think civil unions for everyone is more in line with what governments role should be. And marriage is a word best defined outside government.

                Again, please don’t imply I am antigay

              3. Steve*

                Your implication i am antigay is insulting. I think gays should have the same exact legal riggrs as everyone else and have thought that for at least 20 years. Nothing i have written here contradicts that.

              4. Ask a Manager* Post author

                Ah, my apologies then. The arguments and terminology you’ve been using here sound a lot like the things people say when they’re trying to discriminate against gay people.

                1. Steve*

                  What terminology have i used that sounds antigay? I don’t believe I have used any antigay terminology and think the apology you gave in your first sentence you retracted in your second.

                  Feel free to delete my posts if you think they are hateful or ugly.

            2. Steve*

              I suggested everyone should have the same staus under the law, civil unions. Anyone who wants something different are free to do as they wish. Whether that happens or not, gays should have every legal right that heterosexual have. I do not think government should be defining marriage. That is not antigay, it is anti govt.
              I remember talking to one of my daughters about gay marriage when she was young and i was for it, so I have been a proponent of gays having the same rights in marriage for at least 20 years of not longer.
              People want to look for bigotry or ugliness in people they disagree with. I think our rights are given to us by God and He gave the same rights to gays as He gave to me.

              1. Temperance*

                Do you, or do you not, support gay marriage?

                I’m an ex-evangelical, and all of the arguments you’re using are ones that my former church used, including the “I don’t hate gay people” thing, while sidestepping the obvious question.

                Why do you think marriage should only be granted to religious (Christian) people, when that has not been true, ever?

                1. JamieS*

                  Temperance you are clearly trying to find bigotry where none exists. The only thing Steve has said is he thinks the term marriage should refer to something outside the government and what we now call ‘legal marriage’ should be renamed to civil union so there’s absolutely no differentiation between a straight and gay couple in the eyes of the law. It’s kind of a moot point in countries that allow gay marriage but not every country does so it’s still a valid stance. It’d also bar governments from using religious arguments to deny gays the same rights since the term ‘marriage’ has religious implications to some and there’s no religious implications to ‘civil union’. Before someone corrects me yes I know marriage wasn’t historically a religious undertaking but you can’t deny that in modern times there are people who associate marriage with religion and have tried to deny gay people the same rights based on that association.

                  To summarize: exact same status for everyone and governments should replace their use of marriage with another term.

                2. Temperance*

                  I honestly don’t agree. What I’m hearing from Steve is that he thinks that marriage should be taken away from anyone who is not religious, and we should be relegated to a lower status.

                  I do see bigotry here. I’m not “trying to find some where none exists”. I’ve heard all of these arguments and comments before, especially railing against the idea of being homophobic.

                  The crux of the issue, for me, is that Steve wants to take something away from me and from people who I love. That’s not cool. I honestly don’t think he sees the issue as anything other than theoretical, because he’s in the group that would get to retain marriage. For me, it’s highly personal.

                3. JamieS*

                  Steve never said only religious people should marry. By marry I mean legal marriage which is recognized by the government. He said he thinks the government should call marriages civil unions instead of marriage. If governments change the law to replacement marriage with civil union all the rights, benefits, and protections would still be the same. The only thing that would change is what the government calls the relationship.

                  Based on prior comments it’s clear you, and for some reason Alison-though she later somewhat retracted, decided from the get go that Steve was being anti-gay when absolutely none of his comments even remotely suggest that.

                  We have enough actual bigotry and anti-gay sentiment in the world. Nobody needs you creating bigotry that doesn’t exist and trying to divide those who support equal rights for all.

                  I’ll end my part of the discussion here because unless you’ve changed your stance we’ll just be going round and round.

              2. nonegiven*

                I think the problem is the word marriage. The religious shouldn’t get exclusive use of the word.

                I remember in 8th grade, I learned about the government outlawing plural marriage, marriages of Mormons and marriages of Native Americans, according to our book. I was outraged and that was my first exposure to modern plural marriage, it had never occurred to me before. All those wives and children, already married and legitimate, being forced out of marriage by the government, that was supposed to keep religion and government separate. The government has too much say in who gets to marry.

          4. Valancy Snaith*

            I urge you to do some reading on the actual history of marriage, which has exceedingly rarely been focused on “spiritual connections” between spouses. Love marriages have only become common in the past hundred or couple hundred years around the world. Otherwise, marriage has been a way to unite families, consolidate land ownership, transfer property, and a number of other things. Focusing on love marriage and spiritual connection is a stunningly Western viewpoint and one that takes only the last century of human history into account, when marriage dates back for millennia.

          5. Sylvan*

            Why do others with “different beliefs” get to make my choices for me? Why do their spiritual and moral beliefs get to override mine?

            Your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.

          6. another Liz*

            The state grants the church authority to marry, not the other way around. It’s always been so. My marriage is hetero, legal, and 100% non religious, but it IS a marriage, not a civil union.

    3. Caledonia*

      I’m so pleased for Aus! I follow tennis and there has been lots made about Margaret Court and her beliefs about same sex marriage, including some hurtful comments made about a current Aus female player.

    4. nep*

      It was really something seeing the footage of the reaction in various cities. And Sen. Penny Wong’s reaction. There was an interesting piece in the Guardian about her after the announcement.
      It will be interesting to watch the follow-up in parliament.

    5. Irish Em*

      The Marriage Equality referendum in Ireland brought out some similar unpleasantness, but I try to keep in mind the utter joy in Dublin Castle as the results came in. It is the happiest I have been in the last ten years.

      It brought out the most horrific homophobia from my two closest uncles (conflating same-sex marriage with incest because they didn’t seem to understand that it was 2015) so I have to remain quiet and let them think I’m straight but not dating as opposed to bi and not dating because the reactions from them would make dating not worth it if they found out. *sigh*

      But that day in May 2015 is my happy place. I’m so glad that Australians have a happy place like that, too, now.

    6. Shoe*

      It always feels so frustrating when it has to come to a vote to determine if a group of people gets rights just like everyone else. That isn’t the kind of thing that should be up for democratic debate. I don’t care if 99% of people don’t think two men or two women should marry, they still should be able to.

      It’s like, “raise your hand if you think I’m human.” Not cool.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        It’s like, “raise your hand if you think I’m human.”

        And then having to listen to all the people tap-dancing around, “I didn’t say we’re not all equal, but some of us are *more equal* than others.”

      2. Casca*

        YES!!
        Which is also why I’m now really worried about some people wanting more of these types of surveys- because it ‘worked’ this time, but was actually horrific. And it might not have worked- what then?

  5. Marina*

    Trying to lose weight in this cold weather and with the lead up to Christmas……is it even possible?!

    ARGH.

      1. Marina*

        It’s actually the activity part that’s more challenging. Really don’t want to go outside/head to the gym/etc. I haven’t noticed if I tend to eat more if it’s cold, but since I wouldn’t be surprised since staying indoors means easier access to food…heh.

    2. AnonyMe*

      Me too.

      My recent discovery – Werthers hard candies are my friend. They’re rich tasting with a good mouthfeel and a lot lower calorie than the cookies that take the same amount of time to eat.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      As I finish my bowl of wilted spinach and soy sauce with a single egg and wish I could just eat some toast, I certainly hope it’s possible.

      1. nep*

        Not that it’s a substitute for bread/toast, because nothing’s quite like that. But have you ever used Nori seaweed sheets? I use them just to wrap around food as I’m eating (salad, beans…). It’s very tasty and a good source of iodine. (I’m much better off without any kind of bread, so I like finding different things to wrap food in. Even Romaine lettuce is nice — and that type of lettuce has many nutrients.)
        (Are you not supposed to have bread according to a programme you’re following?)

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Heh– there was nori in that spinach/egg mixture too. :) I’m back on Weight Watchers, so I’m allowed to have bread, just in limited quantities. We’re supposed to go out to dinner tonight, so I am saving my points for a big bowl of pho and a cocktail or two.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I just got some red lentil pasta, wondering if I would like it. I do, it’s good. I can eat that instead of some of the carbs I have been downing.

    5. Overeducated*

      Soup? I am not a big salad eater so I am a bit relieved that it’s getting cold enough to ingest my vegetables in soup form.

    6. Tau*

      I hear your pain. I’ve managed to steadily lose weight for the past 6 months or so and am not that far off from my “goal” weight, but I have no idea how I’ll manage over Christmas. A lot of what I’ve been doing is making processed sugar a rare occasion, but various sweets are just embedded in my Christmas traditions. Bah.

    7. HannahS*

      Dunno. I’m trying to eat lots of hearty soups and stews that are pretty much just various combos of beans, vegetables, and brown rice, and switching my meals so that I eat a lunch-sized meal at breakfast, a dinner-sized meal at lunch, and a breakfast-sized meal at dinner. (I live alone, so this is logistically easy.) One thing I’ve learned (and not that I’ve lost tons of weight, but I think it’s helping) is to be creative with what constitutes a meal. If it’s 10 am and all I really want to eat is those cookies that Sarah brought, I’ll eat the cookies. But then I won’t be hungry for my lunch at lunch time. Maybe I’ll just have some extra fruit and vegetables. Then I might be able to put off eating the bulk of my meal until, say, 3:30. Then, I won’t really be hungry again until maybe 7:00 or 8:00, when I’ll just have a bowl of cereal. On that day, then, I feel like I treated myself, but I really didn’t consume more calories than usual, I just substituted in cookies, fruit, and cereal spread out over the day for one of my meals. Or if I forget to bring my dinner to my evening class, I’ll pop out and buy a banana and a rice krispie square, and call it dinner, instead of feeling pressured to buy a MEAL. But a banana and a rice krispie square has got to be close to 500 calories; it certainly is the size of a small meal, so it satisfies my hunger, and I don’t feel deprived. It’s shocking to me that since moving out, I feel like I’m eating more sweets than usual, but I am actually losing weight.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh, also, the other reason this is possible for me is that I eat my meals alone. At meal time I’m either at home alone, or at school alone studying, pretty much, so I don’t feel pressured to eat socially. I always eat more when I eat with other students. Still trying to figure that one out. Maybe making cups of tea to sip so that I feel like I’m not just sitting there….

    8. Jean (just Jean)*

      It’s very, very difficult all year round. If anyone finds this topic stressful, you might want to skip the rest of my comment. Nothing dramatic, but I go into detail about health and diet and related topics.

      I’m a stress eater and I like to chomp down to decrease the aggravation. It helps to have small bits of carrots and celery but that takes some planning and effort, and I’m either lazy or just reluctant to do. one. more. thing. (I digest carrots better when they are lightly cooked instead of raw.)

      My inspiration to keep going, grimly, is that one parent and my spouse have diabetes, a disease I want neither for myself nor our son. So I tell him we each have a parent with this disease and I’m trying to set a better example. To some extent I have built-in assistance: I don’t drink sodas or sweetened tea, don’t eat much meat or fast-food meals or pizza, cannot eat or digest spicy or super-high-fat foods…but there’s still a lot of room for packing on the extra calories. (Did I mention that this is difficult?)

      I try to eat fruits and vegetables. I walk as much as possible when commuting and in leisure time. It is grouchy-making but ultimately helpful to stay aware of what I crave, why I crave it, and whether I want to accept the craving, eat the longed-for item, and/or find a substitute food or activity. It helps a lot to make my decisions and then focus my energy elsewhere. Most of all I try to see this as a lifelong way of life–redundandcy intended! There will be harder and easier days. I just have to keep on going.

      If this is helpful for anyone else, I’m glad. If not–oh well. Either way, Thank you, Alison, for creating and protecting this cordial forum where people can express themselves.

    9. Lissa*

      Ugh I feel this. I’ve lost 20 pounds since May and over the summer I was working part time as well as better weather – I was constantly doing some form of physical activity and making food at home. Now? All I want to do is curl up on the couch with a warm latte. Sleep and eat. I feel like a hibernating bear. I basically have decided I’m just going to try not to gain anything back and do what I can when I can until the worst of it’s over. So far that’s been successful.

      1. Allypopx*

        I think I’ve read our metabolism slows down in the winter? (I’ve read a lot of conflicting things about diet and bodies I can never remember what’s true). So we just want to hibernate until it’s warm again. Totally normal.

        Since the light changed I’ve just been so tired all the time.

        1. Alexandra Duane*

          I live in Alaska, so the days get way shorter in the winter. The only help that has really worked for me is to get outside at least 30 minutes a day during daylight hours, no matter how cold it is. We need natural daylight – some of the nerve impulses from the retinas get routed to the pineal gland, which has a large role in regulating metabolism. I know there are lights you can buy to simulate natural daylight, and lots of people swear by them to ward off the hibernation feeling, but for me getting outside is a necessity for me to feel my best.
          You might also consider taking a Vitamin D supplement. Lots of folks who don’t spend much time outdoors are borderline deficient.

          1. Allypopx*

            According to my doctor even people in the northeast who do get outside everyday are deficient most of the time. I take a supplement and my doctor gives me megadoses every so often. But I’m like you, I need real light to not feel gross.

            1. blackcat*

              Well, and then there’s the pale person vitamin D deficiency.

              I am going to get skin cancer. It’s a genetic certainty. But I can delay it and likely prevent melanomas by using sun screen. So I use sunscreen. Then I’m deficient in vitamin D.

              I try to solve that with a supplement and limited time outside without sunscreen, but it’s a real problem.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      Yes. Smaller portions.
      Seriously. Eat a good variety of foods, plenty of nutritious ones, and just eat less. I think for some reason we’ve accepted that holiday = stuff as much into your gob as you possibly can. Not necessary.

      1. WellRed*

        Late to this, but yes! I partake of the stuffing, etc., but I still stick to small portions. Why people look at a holiday meal as a plan to consume waaaay too much food is beyond me.

    11. Book Lover*

      It is possible but so boring :(. I got down to my goal weight last year and said i’d never regain, and here I am again. My goal weight isn’t my ‘ideal’ weight, just a weight where my clothes fit well and I feel good about myself. And it feels so stupid because it is 7lb away and yet feels impossible. I just love pasta and bread. Sigh.

    12. Not That Jane*

      I don’t know, but I’m going to try! My resolutions for the next 3 months are: no sugary desserts (fresh fruit is OK), and exercise at least 45 min daily. Other than that I’m not giving myself any rules. I’m not exactly optimistic (because nothing about my body seems to be easy or simple or predictable), but I’ve given myself a limited time-frame and am trying to approach it as an experiment.

    13. Sylvan*

      Totally possible! Watch your portion sizes. If you’re up for counting calories, try MyFitnessPal or something like that. Really takes the guesswork and inability to predict results out of it.

  6. Al Lo*

    My husband and I are going to London in February, and I’ve been kind of keeping an eye on the Cursed Child ticket page, but not stalking it every day or anything. Didn’t figure we’d have much luck getting tickets — seemed unlikely, unless we hit the Friday Forty jackpot the week before we left. But tonight, I happened to be on the site, and there was a pair of tickets for one of the 3 pairs of shows we’ll be there for. At not a terrible price (so probably not the best views, but that’s okay!).

    So, since my luck was going well, I decided to check the Hamilton tickets. And found a pair of tickets for a night that we’re there. At a much more expensive price, but one that we decided we could splurge on (and still much less than some reports of the really expensive tickets).

    We’re theatre professionals and try to see a lot of theatre in our city, and I just spent more on theatre tickets in the last 30 minutes than I have in the last 6 months (or more), but it’ll be years before either show tours to our city, and I would kick myself if I knew we could have gotten tickets and decided not to. If there hadn’t been anything available, that would have been one thing, but I’m just thrilled that we nabbed both shows!

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      Good ticket buying work there! My husband booked our tickets for Cursed Child – we are also going in February and he had to book 13 months ahead.

    5. Kit*

      I hope your tickets are better than the obstructed view tickets I got for Phantom ten years ago! I thought at the time, “oh, for that price I can lean around a pillar for a few hours” but no. There was no leaning around. The pillar was over a foot in diameter and under a foot from my knees—I saw nothing!! I’m just glad it was a musical.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I am so jeeeeeaaaaalllooooosss!! (Cursed Child; not really into Hamilton). Also that you’re going to London. I’d love to be there right now. Or for Christmas; it’s the only time I haven’t been. Maybe one of these days I’ll manage it.

    7. many bells down*

      I got my Hamilton tickets for Seattle in the mail just last night! They’re for my birthday … in March.

      I’m just going to randomly freak out for the next 4 months.

    9. Jen Erik*

      We were sitting in the gods, and the show was still enjoyable. (Though I’d like to go again and pay for better seats, just to be able to watch the way they staged the magic better.) We did almost leave, because it was hot & airless enough that it was making us feel unwell – though the theatre did what they could – windows open and jugs of water everywhere (the front of house team were all enthusiastic & helpful) – but that was July: I imagine in February it will be a lot more comfortable.

      It’s worth booking somewhere niceish to eat between the shows: I know they ask you to be at the theatre an hour before curtain up, but we still had time.

      1. Al Lo*

        We’re seeing the Thursday/Friday pair of shows, so we’ll be set for the schedule.

        I would love to have great seats to see the magic staging, but maybe I’ll invest in opera glasses. ;)

    11. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      The Hamilton dates have been moving around because they aren’t done with the theatre renovation yet so I wonder if folks have put tickets up as they can’t go to a new date. Nothing has been cancelled yet but I dont know how they are cramming all the shows/people in to a three week shorter run.

      1. Curly*

        Given that a lot of people bought tickets a year in advance and the fact that you can’t resell the tickets, you must return them in you can’t attend, they’re probably able to cover a lot through returns.

    12. Curly*

      Hey, I’m going to see Hamilton in Feb as well! Bought my tickets when the went on sale in January. But I also just got tickets to Young Frankenstein that weekend as well.

  7. Emac*

    Can anyone help me with where to start exploring non-monotheistic religions/spiritual traditions (including non-theistic/agnostic, too)? I was thinking Paganism or Wicca initially, but I don’t know enough about either, and I know there are a *lot* of varieties, to really know if that’s the right direction to go in. I’ve done some Googling, but there’s so much out there it’s a little intimidating to wade through. I’m interested in exploring some sort of tradition/practice (not sure of the right term) that focuses mainly on nature/natural cycles and the inter-connectedness of life, if that makes sense. Thanks!

    1. Rogue*

      If googling isn’t getting you anywhere, I suggest making a trip to your local library, bookstore, and metaphysical shop (which will have books, in addition to ritual accoutrements). Read as much as you can, about as many different religions as you can, and see where it takes you.

      1. Emac*

        That’s pretty much just as intimidating as trying to get through all the Google results! I’m trying to find somewhat of a direction first.

    2. try batgap*

      Buddha at the gas pump (batgap dot com) may help you out. The interviewer speaks to spiritually awakening people from all sorts of traditions, so you’ll get first hand accounts of practices and what people have found/expierienced with them.

      1. Emac*

        Thanks, that’s a great link. I think it might help to see what sacred texts there are for various religions/spiritualities (even if I can’t read all of them).

      1. Emac*

        Yes, I think that is something I’d be interested in. I learned a little bit about it when I was in college, but I don’t think I had the patience for it then. Thanks!

    5. Mallory Janis Ian*

      You could try the Belief-o-Matic questionnaire at beliefnet dot com:

      Even if YOU don’t know what faith you are, Belief-O-Matic® knows. Answer 20 questions about your concept of God, the afterlife, human nature, and more, and Belief-O-Matic® will tell you what religion (if any) you practice…or ought to consider practicing.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I got Secular Humanism, Unitarian Universalist, and Liberal Quaker as my top three. I saw neo-paganism, Wicca, and other earth -centered traditions on there.

    6. Alexandra Lynch*

      I refer people who want to look at Wicca to either Scott Cunningham’s “Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner” and to Silver Ravenwolf’s “To Ride A Silver Broomstick”. If you’re more into the feminist possibilities of it, Starhawk is an excellent author.

      In Wicca, you really can make it up to suit you as you go along, so don’t be afraid! I’ve practiced for twenty-odd years now.

  8. Persephone*

    I’ve gone down Historical Drama route. Movies, TV shows, whatever: give me your faves, please? Bonus points for Netflix-ready.

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      Dangerous Liasions and Amadeus are 2 of my favourite films. There is also Valmont, which out around the same time as Dangerous Liasions but got swept to the one side a bit. Still, it does feature Colin Firth in an early wet shirt role if you like that sort of thing.

      Come to think of it, has anyone else noticed similar films or films with the same subjects which are released within a short period of time? There was The Illusionist and The Prestige (late 19th century Magicians) Infamous and Capote (Truman Capote) and Snow White and the Huntsman and Mirror Mirror (Snow White)

      1. Alexandra Duane*

        I recently watched a trilogy of films called collectively “To The Ends of the Earth” – they’re available on Netflix and Amazon both. Not the greatest I’ve ever seen, but entertaining and an interesting viewpoint on the era.
        “Master and Commander” is one of my favorites.

    3. Sandy*

      THIS is my category! *have at least some seasons on (Canadian) Netflix

      TV shows
      *Downton Abbey. UK, early 20th century.
      *Outlander. Scotland/USA, mostly mid 18th century.
      *Call the Midwife. UK, 1950s/60s.
      X Company. Canada/Europe, WW2.
      *The Bletchley Circle. UK, post WW2.
      *Land Girls. UK, WW2.
      *Home Fires. UK, WW2.
      Bomb Girls. Canada, WW2.
      Anne with an E. Canada, late 19th/early 20th century.
      Deutschland 83. Germany, 1980s.
      Alias Grace. Canada, 19th century.
      Rome. Rome (obviously), 44 BC.

      Movies

      *Hidden Figures. US, 1960s.
      *The King’s Speech. UK, WW2.
      *Braveheart. Scotland, Middle Ages.
      Hotel Rwanda. Rwanda, 1990s.
      The Last King of Scotland. Uganda, 1970s.
      *The Monuments Men. Europe, WW2.
      Land of Mine. Denmark, WW2.
      Labyrinth of Lies. Germany, 1960s.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I would also like to add Peaky Blinders, Britain, 1920s to this list.

        (Great choices, Sandy!)

        1. Violet Strange*

          Also, Lark Rise to Candleford. Late 19th century small town and rural life in England. On Amazon Prime.

      2. The Ginger Ninja*

        I love your choices too! I’d also add Grantchester and Endeavour, both Britain in the 50s-60s.

      4. AngelicGamer*

        I’d like to add the Crown to your list for TV shows. :) It’s on Netflix following Queen Elizabeth II’s reign from the beginning. The real shock was seeing the actor who played Moriarty in the RDJ Sherlock movies in the role of King George VI but I love his acting.

    5. Sabine the Very Mean*

      There is a brand new series on Netflix called Alias Grace I believe. Based on the novel by Margaret Atwood.

    6. Fiennes*

      If you’re into mystery & WWII, “Foyle’s War” is excellent. The recent (last decade or so) BBC miniseries of “Bleak House” and “Little Dorrit” are great for Victorian era. And two lower-profile but utterly wonderful Austen adaptations are the 1995 “Persuasion” with Amanda Root & Ciaran Hinds, and “Northhanger Abbey” with a pre-stardom Felicity Jones & Carey Mulligan.

      1. Anion*

        I was going to recommend the BBC Bleak House! Such a fantastic adaptation. I’ve watched it at least five times.

        I also highly, highly recommend the version of Jane Eyre with Toby Stephens and Ruth Wilson. It’s wonderful; their chemistry is amazing.

    7. Seal*

      Band of Brother – WWII
      The Pacific – WWII
      China Beach – Vietnam War era
      The Crown – post WWII – 1950s
      The Imitation Game – WWII
      The Theory of Everything – 1960s-80s

          1. AngelicGamer*

            ^ This. I got my dates mixed up with the UK release and the US release. I was so disappointed as I want season 2 /now/. *taps foot*

      3. Alexandra Duane*

        Wolf Hall, yes!
        Also, Death Comes to Pemberley – a follow-up to Pride and Prejudice, based on the book written by P. D. James. It’s a mix of period drama and murder mystery, a three-part BBC production.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      Victoria and Poldark, both on PBS. If you sign up for regular donations (like $5 a month), you can binge Masterpiece shows on their website. I watched most of the first season of Victoria before it aired. :)

    11. Melody Pond*

      I just checked and it’s still on Netflix! A series set in the American Revolution called Turn: Washington’s Spies.

      It’s really good! I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else upthread mention it yet.

    13. The Other Dawn*

      The series ended this year, but Turn: Washington’s Spies was awesome. I really loved it and was sad when it ended. But obviously the war only lasted so long, therefore the series had to end.

      1. Persephone*

        Oooh, I’ve been getting that in my Netflix recommendations, so I’ll give that a go. Wasn’t sure if it was doco or drama.

    14. Isobel*

      Alison mentioned Middlemarch at the top of today’s post; there’s an excellent BBC adaptation from 1994. It’s not the most fast-paced story but I found the different narrative strands really compelling.

    15. Persephone*

      Please know how much I love you all. The minute my assignment is done, I’m getting onto it.
      I just finished Alias Grace and it was creepy yet perfect and I adored it. CTM is one of my faves, as is Downton (Dowager Countess is goals), and Outlander… though I’m getting a bit frustrated with Outlander, I think, but I can’t tell you why – I have no idea myself.

      SO KEEN FOR THE CROWN, though. We just got S1 on DVD at work, and I’ve been fangirling over it to customers who (so far) have all bought a copy because my rabid fangirling is apparently a good indicator of the show’s awesomeness.

    16. Falling Diphthong*

      I really like Call the Midwife, which has a strong sense of time and place and winds up as sort of a history of the British National Health Service. It starts in the late 50s–people remember the War, but there’s a real sense of flux and changing norms from preWar to postWar to the oncoming train of the 60s. (Also, it has the Bechdel Test covered five ways from Sunday.)

      The movie Master and Commander is a great look at life on a British sailing ship in the nineteenth century. (I also like the book series on which it’s based, which we did as books on tape for long drives.)

  9. Struggling*

    I am having a real tough time. I was let go from my job at a small business a little over a year ago due to that business closing (nothing to do with me). I was there for several years – having been let go was such a crushing blow. I felt so betrayed and upset, even though the job did have its difficulties. I liked it there, despite having considered it a last resort when I first applied, and was doing well, learning a lot, and so on.

    Apparently closing the business was in the works for months before the owner let me go, but I had no clue. If only I’d known in advance, instead of just a month beforehand, I would have made better plans. Oh, and shortly before the owner sprang the news on me, I was in a car accident (not hurt, but I was still feeling a bit traumatized) and then the next day my best friend passed away. 2016 was not a good year for me.

    I went on Unemployment and tried to start a micro-business of my own, but that didn’t work out. I really didn’t have enough capital to do what I wanted to do. I squandered my time; I should’ve just looked for a new job instead of trying to start a business. I eventually exhausted my benefits and also ran through all my savings (what little I had – the job didn’t pay badly but not great, either). I took a temporary part-time job and it helped me catch up a little, but that ended recently. I can’t seem to find anything else and am now very behind on my rent and utilities, and facing eviction.

    I don’t have any family I can ask for help, and I’ve been looking for jobs, but I feel so stuck because social services here don’t help you if you’re not working. I’m terrified of becoming homeless, and have had to resort to panhandling. I don’t want to lose all my possessions and sleep in doorways. I’m not far from 60 years old. I have no retirement savings. There are reasons why I’ve lived hand-to-mouth and been struggling but I don’t want to go into too much identifying detail. Suffice it to say, I’ve had a series of setbacks over the last ten years.

    I keep working on my resume and sending out applications, but truth be told, my efforts could be better. I get very depressed mentally/emotionally, as well as physically exhausted from begging for several hours at a time. I walk around to do it because I don’t want to sit in one place with a sign, in case anyone I know would see me. My body aches when I get home. I hate doing it but I see no other option. I’ll be okay if they turn my electricity off, but I need to hold onto my apartment.

    This site has been great because I’ve seen ways I could improve my resume and cover letters and used them. I also borrowed a few books from the library which gave good tips and advice as well. I just hate that I spend time on crafting these letters and sending applications and then hear nothing. It’s time-consuming and feels dehumanizing a lot of the time.

    My resume shows diverse experience and a lot of contract/temp work, and so I think employers and agencies look at it and don’t quite know what to do with me. I’m a dabbler by nature. I’m curious and like variety. I’ve done this and that and a little of whatever – a winding path. One temp agency here got rave reviews on Yelp and people said they got called the same day they submitted their resume, but mine got no response at all.

    I’ve always been able to support myself. I had jobs when I was 14. But there hasn’t been a consistent trajectory nor any specific career. I worked as an executive assistant for a long time, up until about 7 or 8 years ago before I took a few turns into completely different things, and I think I want to get into admin work again. At this point, I need to take whatever job I can get, but part of me rails against that because I’m an intelligent woman and want a good job that pays well so I can get out of this hole I’m in. However, I know I really cannot be picky. I only hope my situation is temporary and soon will improve. I am in an age/gender bracket that apparently has the toughest time finding work. I was told that by the Unemployment office and scoffed at the notion, but it seems to be true.

    If I can just find a job, pay my back rent, and stabilize for a while, then I want to leave this city and go where there is a lower COL. I have bouts of frustration and insomnia just worrying about staying afloat and not get served eviction papers. I have posted here before with a different name, but haven’t been coming here too long. Ah well, thanks for letting me vent.

    1. Emac*

      I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. I’m in a somewhat similar situation and it’s really scary.

      I wonder if there are any nonprofits in your area that focus on older workers? I’m in the Boston area and know of one called Operation ABLE (which I think also has an office in New Hampshire). Doing a quick Google search, there seems to be an organization with a similar name (but not related) and focus headquartered in Chicago but with other offices in Illinois and a few other states and yet another one in Michigan.

      I also struggle with depression and know how isolating and terrible it can be, so I also want to say that you sound like an amazing person who has a lot to offer!

    2. nep*

      Sorry you’re facing all this. I sincerely hope something will come through soon so you can once again feel stable in your home. I know it’s disheartening not to hear back on the applications you’re putting out; may you get a response, interview, and offer soon. Please keep us posted.

    3. Anon4This*

      I’m sorry <3

      My mother is in a similar position. She’s had depression for about thirty years, and she got fired from her supermarket cashier job after around ten years, two years ago, because they deemed that she had ‘too much time off’ with the depression – despite having a union rep and letters from her doctor etc; that new manager was a monster. It’s very hard to fire someone with a long-term illness here, especially against the recommendations of a doctor. Anyway, she’s sixty, with a firing from her last job and an old-fashioned CV and not good with technology. I’ve tried to help her but obviously her depression adds a layer to the problem.

      Tl;dr you’re not alone, and our society sucks.

      Her situation has actually been a wake-up call for me. I realised that I could easily end up the same way, and am now considering going to university and getting a career that I could also be self-employed with. I’m tired of being financially vulnerable and considered ‘disposable’ by employers. I’m an intelligence woman and I deserve better, as do you, as does my mother.

    4. Colette*

      That sounds really hard.

      Job hunting is not fun for anyone, and trying to do it under pressure is much worse.

      Do you have people who know your work who could help connect you to people who are hiring? That might get you past the diverse experience barrier.

      Alternatively, could you create a couple of versions of your resume that would focus in on the skills for the job you’re applying for and put everything else as “other experience”?

      I hope you find something soon,

    5. Nerdgal*

      Is there are Wal-Mart in your area? Many of them are pretty much always hiring. The jobs start out at pretty low pay but the chances for advancement are surprisingly good and the benefits are decent once you pass your probationary period.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      I feel your pain, but I also feel hopeful for you. What resources can you draw from in your area? Social service organizations sometimes have good projects to help older workers regain employment. With most agencies you don’t have to be Jewish / Catholic / Lutheran / whatever to be a client. Some have sliding-scale fees. Some programs may be no-cost. Your pubic library may have programs; it will definitely have reference librarians and computers you can use for research.

      Individual congregations sometimes offer pieces of a social safety net. Several years ago a fellow participant in a non-profit “job seeker’s boot camp” told me of his positive experiences at McLean Bible Church (based in McLean, VA…northern Virgina/south-western suburban rim of Washington DC). He said that when he went, he saw people ready to help with resume-reviewing services and gifts of interview-appropriate clothing. He also said that although meetings started with a prayer (heck, it’s a house of worship, there was no other effort to persuade participants.

      Would you consider taking work as a personal assistant? It sounds less than ideal for the long haul but–IF you were able to suss out and avoid any toxic employers–it might help you stave off eviction and get you back onto an upward spiral.

      I know from personal experience the private pain of being financially pressed in a HCOL area. (I quit door-to-door canvassing for a candidate I really liked after a bleak afternoon traversing a beautiful but unaffordable-to-me-ever neighborhood.) Conversations about ordinary-for-other-people topics (vacations, foreign travel, complaints about the limitations of homes much more spacious and comfortable than mine) are hard to hear, but hold onto your sense of your dignity. Project your belief in your own good worth. Only a few people really mean to build themselves up by putting others down; the rest will find themselves at ease with you if you’re at ease with them and with yourself. You will learn to distinguish among truly simpatico folks, those whose patter can be looked past, and those whose company you can minimize or eliminate in your life. (You’ll also learn which settings and events to avoid. A political policy meeting may be fine, but not a candidate fundraiser.)

      Are you a member of any congregation or other organization? It’s soul-sustaining to be around kind, non-judgemental people even if you’re just making general conversation. (In the early days after my husband’s diagnosis, I found it enormously healing to watch other, healthier families at my synagogue.) You can also leverage any/all personal connections. Do people need occasional domestic assistance, holiday preparation or hosting assistance, help driving children or elders to/from appointments, companionship for children/elders, gardening, dog-walking, or pet-sitting? Can you put up a sign offering to do simple sewing, such as reattaching buttons or hemming unlined garments? One of the silver linings in the cloud of grief/envy/uncertainty caused by a HCOL region is that there will be people who can afford to pay for the goods or services that you offer. Again, it takes determination not to feel diminished, but it can be done. Keep telling yourself that you are doing honest work for a worthy cause. Paying rent deserves respect.

      You already know this, but you can come back to this site over time. People are interested and supportive here.

    7. Tabby Baltimore*

      Would like to second Jean (just Jean) on the potential for using faith-based resources in your area. Many worship centers provide food pantries, and sometimes also assistance with paying utility bills. I’d like to think the staff in such places will not try to proselytize as they process your requests or connect you with outside resources.
      Another potential place to look for help, especially if you are concerned about your healthcare, might be to either cold-call a local hospital and ask to be connected to their Office of Social Work (or wherever it is the hospital’s social workers are operating). It’s my understanding that social workers in that setting are concerned primarily with helping the hospital’s patients (and their families) during the patient’s stay, and during the patient’s transition out of the hospital afterward, so I would expect many of them to be knowledgeable about local-area resources, too. It might be worthwhile to just walk in and start your search for them with a directional question at the hospital’s main desk, and go from there. Wishing you all the best in your search!

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Are you me? I’m in almost the same boat. I’m overqualified for the crappy jobs and underqualified for the better ones, either because of dyscalculia or just a lack of specific experience like a particular degree.

      We might just have to take whatever we can get to get us through. That doesn’t mean we have to stop applying to better jobs.

    9. NaoNao*

      I know you want to hang onto your place, but is there a possible to rent a room or do a “trade” like being a caretaker for an apartment complex in return for reduced or free rent?
      I know that sometimes there are also emergency or one-time use services that will pay for utilities and while I don’t know if you have to be working, can you put “self-employed” or “temp worker” or “contractor” just to squeak by on other applications?
      I also wanted to recommend the public library. Many librarians will assist you with job hunting, resumes, and navigating technologies or websites, and they often have lists and resources of public services. In my town, librarians are trained as a kind of social worker, because they deal with people in crisis mode so often.
      Is it possible to look at less desirable shifts/hours? For example, can you do overnight stocking in a grocery store or overnight security guard/desk? Those shifts often have trouble finding willing people and if you can do the work, it might be easier to get hired.
      I also want to put in a plug for call center work. It’s…not easy. I did it, and it was a “last resort” job. But.
      You’re seated, and indoors and you’re not lifting and hauling or sorting or packing. The work has some transferrable skills and it’s in a general sense, office work. You can spin it as such on resumes. It usually pays a decent wage that, supplemented, can get you by in a pinch. Generally they have fixed hours, unlike retail, and in the good call centers, they try to make life for the reps fun: free food, music, TVs, games and contests, etc.
      It can be draining and difficult work and to be frank, being in such a rigid environment after a certain age can really be demoralizing (scheduled breaks, lots of tracking and stats, etc). But as far as “emergency, last resort” jobs go, it is not awful.

      1. Struggling*

        I would love to rent just a room somewhere , but I’ve accumulated a lot of stuff after living in my apartment for a very long time (20+ years – however, the landlord wouldn’t hesitate to evict me if he could). So, I’d need time to sell or get rid of stuff. I’ve sold a couple pieces, but it’s not like the moment I put it on Craigslist my phone is blowing up with people who want to buy my stuff. It doesn’t happen overnight, which adds to the frustration.

        Also, I really don’t have many friends. I’m an introvert and usually have good rapport with co-workers but once the job is over I never stay in touch with anyone. My friend who died is the only person I really would say I had an ongoing friendship with. I have acquaintances and people know me in my neighborhood, but there isn’t anyone I can borrow $$ from or ask to let me move in with them.

        Plus, here is another thing I hate to admit, but my apartment is a wreck. I’m not exactly a hoarder but have the tendency to hold onto too much crap. With the traumatic events I’ve been dealing with over the last ten years and my depression, I don’t really put much effort into keeping this place clean and organized. Ever see pics of Debbie Harry’s messy NYC apartment back in the 70s? Major clutter, like that. There is a term for this now, if you’re not technically a hoarder – I’m a squalorer. Yes, I live in squalor. My place is only at Level 1 but it adds to my depression, which then adds to my paralysis or inertia when I should be de-cluttering and cleaning.

        I sometimes just don’t know what to do. Do I clean my apartment, focus on selling my things, look for a job, do panhandling, waste hours at the social services offices, walk up and down the avenues looking for help wanted signs – or what?

        I’ve tried to get the one-shot-deal assistance from the government for my rent, but what people don’t realize is it’s a LOAN and you have to provide paystubs to prove you can pay it back and support yourself going forward. I’ve also contacted some religious organizations but they refer me back to this city’s homelessness prevention program. That program will not help until someone has already been served eviction papers – which is what I’m trying to avoid – and they are overloaded with cases. I’ve been to Housing Court before, it’s scary. Ultimately, I’m between a rock and a hard place with government assistance.

        I know that a lot of people hate panhandlers but it is the only way, for right now, that I can get cash immediately to make the payment my landlord wants (although a lot of people don’t carry cash anymore, so it takes hours of asking so-o-oooo many people). As I said, I hate doing it, but have met some truly nice people while out there. There are a lot of nasty people who are very disrespectful, but the nice ones give me hope. I have done some freelance work, and worked the polls on election day, but I must wait anywhere from 30 to 60 days to get paid for those things (I’ll stop talking about work now!). Landlord was willing to accept a payment plan, but I couldn’t meet that first payment because I was short on the amount we agreed to, so I have to scramble this weekend.

        There were some good ideas that people suggested in response to my post, though, and I’m going to see what I can put into place. I appreciate all of them. The odd thing is, as tired and beat-down as I feel, I don’t feel like I’m pushing 60 and sort of can’t believe that I am (and most people guess that I’m in my 40s). It’s just that I’m reminded of it when I see the homeless women sleeping in the streets, and I realize that I never gave proper thought to what I would do as I approach “retirement” age. I’ve managed offices and retail stores well, but I’ve mismanaged my life.

        1. atexit8*

          Finding a job these days is mostly online. You can do that once in the morning and once at night.

          How sustainable is panhandling?
          I am glad people are giving you money, but I personally don’t give money to panhandlers.

          Search for social services organizations.

          Call your cable company and tell them you only want the cheapest cable and the slowest internet.
          Switch your cell phone service to a cheaper plan.

          De-clutter.

        2. Someone else*

          Have you tried selling things on Craigslist previously? I ask because what you described it not being like, is exactly what is was like for me the handful of times I did try to sell something. A zillion emails, almost immediately. Some of them were ridiculous, people who wanted to trade or super lowballing based on the price posted, but I would expect you to have offers overnight, maybe not all viable offers, but offers nonetheless. If you’ve done it before and had a different experience, I’m not trying to discount that, but if you’re speculating on how quickly you’d get responses, my understanding (not just from my own experiences but from anyone I know who has sold something on CL before) is it is typical to get a lot of responses very quickly. It may be worth reconsidering that route.

          1. Alexandra Duane*

            Also, Craigslist is not the only buy/sell option. Look on Facebook for buy/sell groups in your local area, try some of the buy/sell sites that are mainly phone apps but that you can post stuff on from a computer as well. Make sure that you post clear photos of what you want to sell – it really makes a big difference.

          2. atexit8*

            Remember with Craigslist is to not meet the people at your home.
            Select a place nearby like a library or a store.

            I haven’t had much luck selling on Craigslist mostly brand new consumer electronics.
            People do love to low ball and bargain even though I specifically state that the price is firm.
            Sigh.

        3. Anion*

          Have you checked out temp agencies? (You mentioned unemployment agencies/job-seekers-type places, but not specifically temping, so I thought I’d ask.)

          How about your neighbors? Are you friendly with any of them at all, even in passing? Perhaps some of them would be willing to pay you to do some work for them–run errands, wait for the cable guy, walk the dog, that sort of thing–or know of people hiring. I mean, you’ve been in the building for twenty years, so maybe you have more friends there than you think. Maybe you could do something like the “rent parties” that kids used to throw, or something. And yeah, as others have said, you could sell some of that stuff; you never know, some of it could be worth money.

          I truly, truly hope you find a solution.

        4. Courageous cat*

          My advice: start with cleaning your apartment. Look at https://www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/ because I think a LOT of the advice there may be highly applicable to you, and it’s good inspiration.

          I find I have so much more mental clarity when my place is clean, so my biggest recommendation is to break everything down into steps and start there. It’s cheap/free and has a pretty low barrier to entry so it should be pretty feasible to accomplish.

          Best of luck!

          1. Alexandra Duane*

            Wow! That website is great! I’ve been working on improving my housekeeping, with some encouraging success, and a lot of the ideas there go along with the strategies that I’ve found most successful. I like the checklists, and the “challenges” – specific tasks that can be accomplished in a reasonable amount of time, that give you the chance to say, “There, done!” I like their philosophy that you can’t – and don’t need to – change your life all at once, that you can make progress by setting one achievable goal at a time, establishing a good habit, and continuing to work toward improvement, without judging yourself as a failure if you can’t be perfect immediately. I like the motto (“You’re better than your mess”) and this part: “Don’t worry about catching up. This is about doing what you can, when you can. 5, 10, 20 minutes at a time.”
            Thanks so much for posting that.

            1. Courageous cat*

              You’re welcome, I’m glad it could be of help! I wish it had existed when I was at my most depressed and messiest, because there’s not a lot out there that tells you “it’s okay, just do what you can”.

              I’m also a sucker for a good before + after. So satisfying.

        5. nonegiven*

          For selling things, look for a local Facebook buy, sell, trade group. I’ve seen everything from used clothing and furniture to cars.

    10. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’m sorry you’re going through this! Since this is the non-work thread, I’m going to ask that people focus on the non-work pieces of this here, but you’re welcome to also post this on the Friday work thread. (It’s pretty late to get responses there now, but you could post it on next Friday’s if you’d like.)

      1. Struggling*

        I’m sorry, that’s my fault. I realized after I submitted it, that I focused too much on work and this is a non-work thread. It’s just so much on my mind.

    11. Erin*

      Our town has a town social worker (I believe it’s a part time role) that helps people in similar situations. At a minimum the SW helps assess needs and can anonymously source help (everything from money to someone to pay your bills to free housing). I’m lucky enough to live in a fancy suburb in a HCOL area, and the town is filled with very generous people just waiting to be asked. Too often people are simply unaware of how they could help.

      Example: recently the town was made aware of a (n anonymous) family in suddenly dire financial straits. In less than a week, donors paid all their back utility bills, someone offered temporary free housing in the same school district (a rental property that would have otherwise been vacant until spring), 4-figure donations of grocery gift cards and an Amazon wishlist full of Christmas gifts.

      If you’re in the Boston area, check out the non profit Small Can Be Big, which is aimed at helping people that just need a little boost to get back on track.

    12. LilySparrow*

      I deal with depression & anxiety, and they make everything else so much harder to cope with or solve. I’d encourage you to make treatment a priority because it will help you solve other problems and connect you to resources.
      In my area, free or low-cost mental health services (including help with prescriptions) is available at a university/teaching hospital, at the county health department, through clinics run by the state Department of Mental Health, and at some religious groups like Jewish Family Services or Catholic Charities.

  10. not-Hermione*

    What do you do if you have an unusual name that’s been made famous by a movie (or TV series, or shared by a celebrity etc.) …except you don’t pronounce it the way the famous version does?
    E.g. if your name was Hermione except you’ve always pronounced it ‘Hermi-one’ (obviously not real example)?
    So, if your first contact is via email or something do you include a pronunciation guide, or just wait ’til you’ve met in person, knowing all the while they’re calling you something different in their head?

    1. Cruciatus*

      My mom’s name is Margot and no one ever, ever, ever gets it right. Her doctor’s appointment reminders call her Margaret. Or Mar-got (with the t pronounced). She’s just given up. Years ago she was hoping (jokingly) that Ross Perot would win the election since his wife’s name is Margot. And maybe now Margot Robbie’s popularity will finally help…

      But I would just let it go until you meet. It seems overly defensive to jump straight to correcting them in emails. I have a very classic, simple name and I’ve heard THAT messed up so there’s always someone out there able to mispronounce a name. So in the moment when you meet them you could just say ‘Hi, I’m Hermi-one” and maybe that’ll be the end of it. If you need to correct them you could do it lightly/quickly. “I actually pronounce my name Hermi-one. I didn’t want to steal Hermione’s thunder!” I would just keep it quick and matter-of-fact and I’m sure you’ll be fine.

        1. Stellaaaaa*

          When I was doing a production of the Diary of Anne Frank, we were told to say MAR-gut (Margot was Anne’s sister). I think it’s a name with different regional pronunciations.

          1. nep*

            Sometimes I just don’t think things through enough before reacting. Hadn’t thought of this. I need to refrain from hitting ‘submit’ sometimes, and just reflect. And be quiet.

            1. Cruciatus*

              Nah. It’s not because the people where I’m from are so enlightened as to think it’s pronounced the way Margot Frank’s name was (and I fear they’d likely ask “who?”). At least the Mar-got people are pronouncing it the way it looks. There are still others who assume my mom doesn’t know her own name–Margaret, etc.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I went to school with a Candice, pronounced CAN-diss, who did not enjoy TV characters called Can-deese!

      I think you have to just wait until you meet.

      1. AnnaleighUK*

        My sister is a Candice, and she hates that too! Also she gets ‘Can-dass’ which is actually spelled ‘Candace’ and is NOT Candice!

      2. Merci Dee*

        Wow. I’ve always pronounced that name as CAN-diss. I didn’t know there was another pronunciation for it. Is that maybe a US/Europe difference? And I’ve always heard the names pronounced the same, whether they were spelled Candice or Candace.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I know someone named Pennaloe Candence. She goes by Penny. No, it’s not short for Penelope, she has to constantly explain. So basically her mum named her Penny Candy.

    3. lovetoujours*

      I have an unusual first name with an even more unusual spelling and I honestly stopped going by it because I was so annoyed by the comments. When I did go by it and not my nickname though, I just didn’t bother correcting them/letting them know how to say it until it was in person.

      People sometimes mess up my nickname (which is becoming a more common name to have after years of being ignored) but I just don’t bother correcting with that since the mispronunciations are close to the real version. If they type it wrong in an email, I very pointedly sign my name above my signature in a passive aggressive move.

      1. Bluebell*

        My name is a variation of a very common name but spelled and pronounced differently. All my life people have used the common pronunciation. Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been different if my parents or I had just acquiesced and used the common pronunciation.

        1. lovetoujours*

          I love my middle name (which is what my nickname is based on) but I honestly almost hate my first name at this point. I think life would have been…easier. Not even from a bullying standpoint but from a just not having to dread when people first see or hear my name point.

          It doesn’t help that my last name is hard for people to pronounce too so it’s just a mess. Especially when people argue with me about how things are said.

    4. Seal*

      I was named after my mother and grandmother but have always gone by my unusual nickname. After all these years, I expect to have it mispronounced and misspelled, but most people get it right once they’re corrected. Still, there are a few people I’ve known for years that have never managed to pronounce my nickname correctly; I’ve given up on correcting them.

      What really irritates me is doctor’s offices, particularly those that ask for your preferred name but either refuse or forget to use it. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve stopped giving them my nickname at all. In fact, I switched primary care doctors a few years ago in part because after going to her for several years the woman never bothered to learn either my given or nickname. She was a terrible doctor too, but that’s a different story.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        When I started my current job they paid attention to the fact I gave a ‘known as’ name and introduced myself as that in the interview etc – think along the lines of Nicki short for Nicola (but obviously not that). They set me up in the internal directory as the equivalent of Nicki, told the team that was my name etc. I was so happy as I hate my full name.

        1. Circus peanuts*

          Oh, that is a sign of good, thoughtful management. I wish my job did that. It is so hard to remember that say perhaps George prefers to be called Elroy when you have a list choice of a hundred Jetsons.

    5. Courtney*

      I know an Adele who doesn’t pronounce it the same way as the singer. She just waits until she meets the person and doesn’t stress about it being pronounced wrong – she’s basically said that it happens no matter what, so she’s just decided to not care or let it bother her.

    6. NoMoreMrFixit*

      My surname is spelled differently than the usual. And my given name is often shortened even though I prefer to use the full version. If I am dealing with someone more than once I will correct them. Otherwise I let it slide these days.

    7. Alexandra Duane*

      Years ago, a friend had a girlfriend who was (I think) Belgian, named Gisele. She pronounced it GEE-sa-la, with a hard G. Makes me wonder if she is driven crazy by this phenomenon now that Gisele Bundchen (pronounced ji-ZELL) is so popular. Or, maybe Miss Bundchen actually pronounces it GEE-sa-la, and has given up after millions of people insisted on ji-ZELL.

    8. New Bee*

      My husband has the same first name spelling (pronounced differently) as a famous basketball player, and we live in the same city (less than 15 minutes from the arena). Luckily, he prefers to go by the shortened version, which is a common man’s name so the mispronounciation only really happens when he’s filling out official paperwork.

  11. Foreign Octopus*

    After the fun of the potluck thread where we were all talking about food, I got really hungry and wanted to try some recipes, especially Snark’s, but while we’re waiting and hoping for him to make his cookbook, I thought it might be a good idea to share our favourite recipes – the recipes that we make all the time and are always a family favourite.

    Mine – beef meatballs in a spicy tomato sauce.

    500g mince beef
    1 egg
    50g breadcrumbs
    1 tbps coriander
    1tbsp cumin
    1tbsp black pepper
    1tsp white pepper
    1tsp chili flakes
    Pinch of salt

    Mix it all in one direction to form an almost paste and then roll into equal size balls. Cover in an oil and Lea and Perrins mixture and bake in the oven for 10 minutes or until brown.

    Fry off chopped onions (I like thin strips of onions instead of cut) and 2 cloves of garlic. Add a tin of pureed tinned tomatoes (500-1000g), add chopped for texture, and then add the same spices into the mix and bring to boil (add wine if you fancy it). Once boiling, add the meatballs and cook on a low simmer for 1hour to 90 minutes.

    Eat with lots of cheese and chunky bread.

    1. JJtheDoc*

      This is my go-to soup recipe – on regular rotation from mid-Fall through late Spring!!

      Beef, Mushroom & Onion Soup
      1 lb steak
      1 lb mushrooms
      1-2 lg onions
      32 oz beef broth

      Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.
      Trim steak of excess fat and cut into slightly larger-than-bite-size chunks. Place in large bowl.
      Trim mushrooms and cut into thick slices. Add to bowl.
      Peel onions and cube. Add to bowl.
      Add just enough extra-virgin olive oil to bowl to moisten contents and toss until well covered.
      Sprinkle with freshly ground black pepper and toss again.

      Pour contents of bowl into large shallow pan and bake for 25 minutes.
      Pour broth into large saucepan or slow cooker and heat while meat mixture is baking.

      Pour contents of pan, including juices, into broth, stir well and let simmer 30 minutes. Adjust seasoning as desired. Garnish with your choice of chopped fresh parsley; chives; sour cream/plain yogurt; freshly grated Asiago or Parmesan cheese.

      Leftovers are great for lunch and also freeze well for another night if you prefer.

    2. Overeducated*

      I missed the potluck thread, guess I should go back and read!

      My favorite recipes are generally not my own – one of my most frequent repeats is a palak paneer recipe from Food52 (link to follow). I also make pizza a lot using my food processor to make the dough a la the Frog Commissary Cookbook.

    3. Snark*

      I’ve been staring at this thread for five minutes and my brain is like, “Oh, favorite recipes! Here’s approximately FIVE HUNDRED.” I think I need a prompt.

        1. Snark*

          This is a summer dessert and it’s hilariously simple. I serve it when I’m grilling something, for reasons that will be obvious:

          Snark’s Grilled Peaches
          – One almost-but-not-quite-ripe peach per eater, typically 4-6, halved around their equator and pitted, brushed or sprayed with a litte oil. Very ripe peaches get too soft, so shoot for peaches that are barely ripe but still firm.
          – 1/3 cup sugar, 2 teaspoons cinnamon, 1 teaspoon ground ginger, 1/2 teaspoon ground mace, mixed
          – 1/2 cup or so chopped mint
          – 1 cup slivered almonds, toasted if you have time
          – Honey
          – Your favorite vanilla or lemon ice cream

          Serve whatever deliciousness you grilled for your main course. If you’re grilling over charcoal like I do, the fire will be past its prime by now and starting to die; spread out the coals with some tongs or an ash shovel so your heat is even, gentle, and low. If you’re grilling over gas, turn the flames down to low.

          Quickly press each peach half into the spiced sugar. Place the peaches on the grill grate, cut side down, and go eat and tell stories. Check on them once or twice, working carefully to avoid ripping off the caramelly goodness that’s forming on the underside. Once they’re deeply caramelized, maybe just charred in a few places, flip them over and and let them cook for another five minutes. If people are lingering over their burgers, take the peaches off the heat and set them aside for a bit.

          When it’s dessert time, plonk half a peach into a bowl, put a scoop of ice cream next to it, sprinkle with mint and toasted almonds, drizzle with a little honey, and serve.

          1. Snark*

            Instead of mint, this is also lovely with minced fennel fronds, by the by, and if doing that, one could add some ground anise seed or fennel seed to the spiced sugar to play off that. I’ve also done the spiced sugar with Mexican cinnamon, ground New Mexican red chile, and black pepper for a slightly spicier take.

          2. Merci Dee*

            That sounds great! We’ve done peaches on the grill before, and they’re fabulous. Also grilled tangerines, and long spears of golden pineapple sprinkled with brown sugar and lightly drizzled with honey. Fa-bu-lous.

            1. Snark*

              I love grilled pineapple! I serve it as a relish/salsa with grilled red onion, minced serrano chile and cilantro with my tacos al pastor.

    4. Tau*

      Hmm. I have trouble thinking of a cooking recipe here – I have executive function/energy problems, and although I do cook more now than I used to most of my recipes are still mainly notable for ease of making. Pasta with pesto, mozzarella and tomato features heavily.

      That said, I do have a basic apple turnover recipe that I like a lot and is always very popular! It’s an old family recipe, as visible from the fact that it has no amounts whatsoever.

      1 part quark*
      1 part margarine
      a little more than 1 part flour
      apples [I’d estimate roughly 1 apple per 100g of quark]
      (optional but recommended) icing sugar and lemon juice
      [Note for US readers – parts refer to weight, not volume]

      Knead the quark, margarine and flour together into a dough; keep adding flour to get a good texture. Roll the dough out on a floured surface and use something round (I use a large mug) to cut out circles.

      Peel and core the apples and slice them into thin slices. Put slices onto one half of each dough circle, fold it over and pinch the edges together. Put the turnovers onto baking paper/a greased baking tray and bake them in the oven at around 200 degrees Celsius until brown (this takes around 20 minutes I think?)

      Once they’re cooled, you can add frosting from the icing sugar + lemon juice for some extra sweetness.

      This is a pretty basic recipe and variations are possible; my dad loves raisins in these, I tried dried cranberries once, and my most recent attempt was with apple slices dusted in cinnamon which tasted amazing.

      * quark is a kind of German soft cheese, generally no-fat although you can buy ones with added cream – we need the no-fat/Magerquark kind. In the UK, you can get it in larger supermarkets, not sure about the US. Ordinarily I’d say you can try to substitute cottage cheese or cream cheese, but I don’t think it’s going to work in this recipe.

    5. Merci Dee*

      I’ve got a couple, and they’re easy to make.

      I made this one last night:
      1 lb package sausage
      1 8 oz block cream cheese
      1 can Rotel diced tomatoes with chiles

      Brown sausage, breaking into pieces as it cooks; drain. Turn heat to medium-low, and cut cheese into 6-8 pieces before adding to sausage. Let cheese melt, and stir until cheese and sausage is well-combined. Stir in tomatoes and juice, simmering until thickened. Serve with tortilla chips.

      Note: this dip can be made to taste for hotness. You can use mild sausage and Rotel tomatoes, or spicy options. Pick your heat.

      Sausage Brunch Pockets:
      1 lb package sausage
      1 8 oz block cream cheese
      2 cans Pillsbury crescent rolls

      Brown sausage, breaking into pieces as it cooks; drain. Turn heat to medium-low and cut cheese into 6-8 pieces before adding to sausage. Let cheese melt, and stir until sausage and cheese are well-combined. Smooth cheese and sausage mixture in pan, and let cool slightly; divide mixture into 8 wedges in the pan to make portioning easier.

      Open packages of crescent rolls and divide into individual triangles. Pat out the large end to flatten slightly, and then spoon one-half of a wedge of cheese and sausage mixture onto the flattened end of the crescent roll. Fold edges of dough up around sausage mixture and pinch all seams closed. Use extra dough from pointy end to close gaps if necessary. Bake pockets according to crescent roll instructions.

      Note: these are awesome for potluck breakfast or brunch. Pockets can be assembled the night before and refrigerated on the cooking pans. Next morning, sit pans out while oven pre-heats to temp on package instructions. Add maybe 1-2 minutes to cook time to ensure filling is heated through.

        1. Merci Dee*

          I made a batch of the brunch pockets for kiddo and me to have for a Saturday breakfast recently. Since the recipe makes 16 pockets and there’s only 2 of us, we had some left over. I put them in the fridge to store until we decided they’d make a good Sunday night dinner. But how to reheat them? They’d get way too soggy in the microwave, so oven heating seemed the way to go … but that could lead to burning. Suddenly, the answer hit me. I put the remaining pockets on one pan, and put a second pan on the top rack of the oven to block some of the direct heat. I re-heated at the original baking temp for 10 minutes. The pockets warmed through, the crescent rolls re-crisped, and they were delicious all over again. Can’t wait to make some more!

    6. Snark*

      So this is not really a recipe so much as an approach, but….Kenji Lopez-Alt has taught me the Way of the Kickass Quesadilla, and I have added some innovations of my own, and so let’s talk about that. I’m a serious cook, but I’m also a working stiff and a dad, and sometimes it’s just time for quesadilla night. But while melty cheese in a tortilla is never actually bad, with Kenji’s help, mine have become honestly pretty extraordinary.

      His contributions are the following:
      – Fillings must be diced small and mixed with cheese. The cheese needs to hold this thing together, and if you’ve got big strips of chicken or whatever, it’s falling apart with the quickness. Chop up your fillings fine, mix with the grated cheese in a big bowl, and fill the quesadillas with the homogenized mix.
      – Fillings must offer spice, punchiness, and texture to contrast with cheese. I always add cilantro or green onion to the cheese + filling mix, and usually the mix includes some chopped roasted chiles or grilled vegetables or
      – Semicircles are best. Two stacked tortillas fall apart too easily.
      – Generously oil the outside. Very generously. I use half and half melted butter and olive oil, and I paint the outside generously with a basting brush.

      As for cheese, I generally use Mexican queso quesadilla, which melts beautifully and has a taste that takes me back to the taqueria in Baja California on my first trip to Mexico at age 6 or so. Monterey jack also works, and you can add others like white cheddar or fontina or whatever if you’re getting fancy. Mushrooms and fontina are delicious.

      The best combination of fillings I’ve found is grilled corn cut off the cob with grilled chicken and green onion. I’ve also had great success with steak, roasted green chile, and cilantro, and mushrooms, cilantro, and green onion. But you can get creative, especially if you have leftovers. I really want to try them with shredded lamb, roasted red peppers, and grilled corn. I like making two kinds of quesadillas at the same time, mixing and matching so there’s some variety.

      My contribution to the Way is the use of uncooked tortillas, which are pretty widely available under the Tortillaland brand. I get my trusty cast-iron skillet preheated to medium, then lightly cook one side of my tortillas, leaving the other side raw. The lightly cooked side is the inside that gets the fillings. Then, I slather the outside with butter/oil, sprinke it with kosher salt, and toast it, moving and shifting it so it doesn’t get scorched on hot spots. With the uncooked tortillas, you can get them pretty deeply browned without making it dry and brittle, and they get unbelievably crisp and flaky. Then I just sling them as they get done, and everybody hangs out at the kitchen bar and drinks beer and eats.

      1. Tau*

        …I know what I’m having for dinner tomorrow.

        Thanks so much for this! Mexican food is not something common around here and definitely not something I cook regularly, but I was introduced to quesadillas not so long ago and fell in love with the concept. This is super helpful.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I’m going to a Friendsgiving today and am going to try this: thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/beautiful-roasted-vegetables/ I hate mushrooms, but I’ll put them in because they’re in the recipe. Right now I think I’d better get off this website and go cut everything up and figure out how to get it across town and not show up with stone-cold veggies (though I suspect they will still be good).

      They better like it because it wasn’t cheap to buy all these things!!!

      1. nonegiven*

        When I need to transport something hot, wrap in foil, newspapers, then a towel and set the whole thing in a cooler.

  12. nep*

    The book recommendation reminds me I’ve got Middlemarch on the shelf; I’ve long wanted to get to that one. Perhaps my next read.

    1. Mephyle*

      I’ve never been one for old literary novels, but once I was listening to a phone-in radio show where people talked about what they’d been reading. One caller said she picked up Middlemarch as a sleep aid, thinking that a 19th-century novel would surely send her to sleep. She found herself staying up later every night… 1 am, 2 am, 3 am. So I tried it and indeed, I did like it. Not everyone does, but it is a 19th-century novel for people who usually don’t like old literature.
      Also, The Toast did a series incorporating both a read of Middlemarch and My Life in Middlemarch by Rebecca Mead. It can all be found in The Toast archives.

    2. CityMouse*

      I’ll be honest that Middlemarch is actually one of my least favorite George Eliot novels. I liked Daniel Deronda a lot better.

    3. Fiennes*

      I was surprised how much I liked Middlemarch. People always described it as dull, but I found it fascinating. Kind of like how some folks describe War & Peace as some dense endless slog when it’s got the kind of dramas most soap operas could only dream of.

    4. Not That Jane*

      I LOVE Middlemarch. It’s like a soap opera that’s also really smart and psychologically true to life.

      I tried to convince my husband that if we had a boy we should name him Caleb Garth [Ourlastname], but he didn’t go for it. :D

  13. nep*

    Yesterday evening I watched a film (from a few years back) about a fig tree — the relationship between the fig wasp and the tree, and all that goes on as the fruit sprouts and grows. Absolutely fascinating film — unbelievable camera work. The Queen of Trees.

    1. Nye*

      Oh man, figs and fig wasps are one of the most delightful examples of coevolution readily available at the supermarket. I love figs, both for their deliciousness and their story.

      If you liked learning about the fig wasps, you might enjoy a book called Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice for All Creation. Evolutionary biology written as a sex advice column. Includes advice for lovelorn male fig wasps and so much more.

      1. nep*

        Sweet — I’ll check it out.
        That relationship, and everything that’s evolved including in some of the beetles that have a role, etc, is just amazing.

      2. nep*

        I don’t know, but I’ve read that there are some strict vegans who won’t eat figs because figs need wasps. Uh….I don’t consume animal products but I hardly think this beautiful, natural, evolutionary magic constitutes exploitation of a sentient being for food.

        1. Rainy*

          …Good luck with most other fruits and veg if they don’t want to eat plants that rely on animals. Whether it’s pollination or seed dispersal, most plants rely on animals.

          Modern seedcorn is also detasseled at least partially by humans, so the corn grown from that seed also relies on animals for production. :)

        2. Clever Name*

          Oh boy. By that logic, vegans shouldn’t eat any plant that is insect-pollinated either, which is most fruits and vegetables.

          1. nep*

            I know. I don’t remember where I heard or read it, or whether it’s even true. Indeed — good luck finding something to eat that didn’t in some way depend on another living being / insect…seed dispersal via mammals’ poop even, right?

  14. Detective Amy Santiago*

    I went for a sleep study last night. It was so awkward and uncomfortable. Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep. The good news is that the tech thinks I only have a mild case of sleep apnea. Have to wait for the doctor to review the results now.

    It’s rainy and cold, so I plan on sleeping a little bit and doing nothing much else today.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      It was Children in Need last night in Britain and they aired a clip from the Christmas special with Peter Capaldi and David Bradley that’s now up on YouTube. No spoilers. Just a two minute teaser. The link’s in my name if you haven’t already seen it.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I’ve had those done as I have a form of narcolepsy (with a much longer more complex name I can’t be bothered to explain). I hope they figure out some treatment that will help. Hugs if welcome.

    3. Seal*

      Sorry to hear your sleep study was uncomfortable! I did a home sleep study this week. They gave me a kit that involved a belt with a small computer to wear around my waist and a nasal cannula and pulse oxy finger thing, both of which plugged into the belt computer. I was supposed to try to sleep on my back, which I generally don’t do. Still, I was mostly able to sleep. I get the results after Thanksgiving. Since I’ve never slept well in general, I’m curious to see the results.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I did the pulse ox thing last week and they determined that my oxygen levels drop at night, so I had to go for the full thing. I was hooked up to dozens of wires and had all kinds of electrodes glued to me.

        Good luck!

    4. Merci Dee*

      I think I’m going to be in for one of these toward the end of the year. I need to get in with my doc so she can make a referral to the local sleep clinic.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I know it’s worth it, especially if they figure out something that will help me sleep better, but ugh.

    5. NoMoreMrFixit*

      I’ve got sleep apnea. My biggest complaint is that the masks don’t last very long before wearing out and having to replace them. They’re not cheap. Being unemployed and no medical coverage isn’t fun. You’ll need to keep distilled water in stock for the CPAP machine too. Fortunately the newer models are far more frugal in their water usage. I have an older machine that goes through water at a ridiculous pace.

      1. C*

        NoMoreMrFixit,

        Have you looked into the CPAP assistance program through the American Sleep Apnea Association? They provide CPAP supplies at greatly reduced cost ($25 for one mask, $45 for 2, or $60 for 3).

        They also provide new/replacement CPAP machines to those who need them.

        Link in next post but you can also search for them

    6. LilySparrow*

      The bed at the clinic where I had my sleep study was horrible. The mattress sagged like it had three people in it, before I even got in. I couldn’t have slept at all if I hadn’t already been so exhausted I was falling asleep at stoplights.
      Getting treated for apnea was like getting my life back. If my house were on fire my cpap is the only inanimate object I’d even try to grab. I love it.

    7. Clever Girl -> BatteryB*

      Late to the thread but just wanted to express some “I know what you mean” sympathy. I’ve had both both day and night sleep studies, and what gets to me the most is the lack of privacy. I know they’re watching and monitoring, and I hate having to ask to get unhooked just to go to the bathroom. I have both sleep apnea and a form of narcolepsy. I hate using my CPAP but I know it’s necessary. The medicine for my narcolepsy gives me constant dry mouth.

      I also have three other chronic conditions (2 of them genetic), and I take about 30 pills a day. I joke that I have a different doctor for every part of my body.

  15. Database Geek*

    As mentioned a couple weeks ago I went to a Doctor Who convention on Long Island this past weekend. It was awesome! Sylvester McCoy and all of the other actors were great! It was very nice to have a break from other stuff. And the Doctor Who Christmas special is coming very soon! I’ll post some links in the next comments.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      It was Children in Need last night in Britain and they aired a clip from the Christmas special with Peter Capaldi and David Bradley that’s now up on YouTube. No spoilers. Just a two minute teaser. The link’s in my name if you haven’t already seen it.

      (Sorry for the double post here).

      1. Database Geek*

        It was sooooooooo much fun! But now I’m a bit depressed that it was over so fast… :( Oh well… will be watching some classic serials soon.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Ahhhhh jelly!
      I’m going to a Friendsgiving with my Doctor who friends today. I can’t wait for the Christmas special. Here’s hoping I have a job soon so I can buy the new season on Amazon and watch Thirteen!! *squees; dances around*

      1. Database Geek*

        Have fun at your Friendsgiving! Do you know what episodes (or serials if you’re watching the Classic) you’ll be watching?

  16. Red Reader*

    My niece the other day, bless her. She’s about to turn 17. She texted me while I was out running errands. “I got told to make a Christmas list for you.” Told her to bring it on! “Can I make one really really big request?” Uh oh. Is she about to ask me for something super expensive, or that her parents don’t want her having? I said she can request whatever her heart desires, but no promises. Hedging my bets, you know.

    She sends me a picture of a book. Thoreau’s “Walden” – she just borrowed it from her teacher, it’s a beautiful book and she’s hoping and praying to get her own copy, and she’s so sorry if that’s rude to request so specifically.

    Oh, sweet child. Band tees, makeup, video games. All that goes on Christmas lists. But books? And not only books but LITERATURE – books are for any time and I will happily drop a library in your lap every day of the week if it is my power to do. Her shiny new copy of Walden will be in her mailbox sometime this weekend. And I still need her Christmas list.

      1. Red Reader*

        When I was her age, I walked past the library on my way home from school every day, plus one of my grandmothers was a retired teacher and the other was a retired librarian. I was drowning in books. My brother and SIL are, shall I say, different types of parents than my parents were. I think niece and nephew (who is about to turn 6) are both getting at-least-one-book-a-month-for-2018 for Christmas, either books of their choice or surprises as they prefer.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Me too. It’s my go-to when I don’t know what to get a kid too. Or if I’m buying souvenirs someplace for them (except for Loch Ness; they got plush Nessies instead because cute).

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      Throwing a ticker-tape parade in my heart for your niece and nephew! May they each grow up to be a librarian, an elementary school teacher, (or hey, a school librarian!), a middle or high school English / History / Civics /Social Studies teacher … or just a happy adult who makes positive contributions to society and warms the hearts of those who know them.

      This sends me out into the world feeling cheerful. Thank you for sharing this!

    6. Alexandra Duane*

      I am semi-retired, work part-time at the local library. I was raising the flags at opening time last week, and a couple got out of their car with a little girl – just a tiny toddler. She ran to the library door, waving her arms and exclaiming, “Books! Books! Books!” There’s hope for the future.

  17. Costco*

    A friend wants to take me to Costco, she says it’s the best place for shopping. I always thought it was all about large sizes. Is it a place though for a single person? If so, what kinds of things should I look out for?

    1. nep*

      Same here — I buy only for myself so I’ve always thought Costco wouldn’t be for me. Perhaps for non-perishables but I don’t know. Worth it? One thing I reckon I could buy there and save money is coconut oil, if they’ve got a pretty good quality. I’m always buying the stuff and it can get expensive.
      Anyone know whether Costco carries castor oil and/or arnica oil too?

      1. Red Reader*

        Not off the top of my head, but I’m headed out there shortly and I’ll try to remember to look and then report back :)

        1. Red Reader*

          I didn’t see either of the other two, but I was in kind of a hurry when I went through the drugstore section because I had a cart full of cold stuff. So I might’ve just missed it. :-)

      2. 3D Artist*

        The main reason I belong to Costco is eye care– my contact lenses are so much cheaper than anywhere else.

      3. CAA*

        Yes, they have Kirkland Coconut Oil. I don’t buy it, but I have heard that it’s good. I don’t know if they have castor or arnica, but I think they’d be in the pharmacy section whereas the coconut oil is in the food section.

    2. Red Reader*

      The advantage to Costco really depends on your ability to store stuff. Like, I can get twice as much toilet paper at Costco as at Target for my dollars, but that wouldn’t help if I didn’t have enough space to store it. My husband gets his k-cups there, because the per-cup cost breaks down to like 27cents a cup, but they come in a big 120-odd cup box rather than the $8 for 12-16 cups at the grocery store. So you def want to be realistic about that. It’s not a bad place to do some Christmas shopping – they have some good quality kitchen wares cheap, some decent basic clothing (pjs, jeans, socks and underwear). My go-tos at Costco (in a house of four adults) tend to be TP and dishwasher packets, I get large packages of meat and subdivide them for the freezer sometimes, Greek yogurt in individual servings for people’s lunches, cereal when it goes on sale, coffee, butter (I bake a lot) and potatoes. Sometimes other fruit/veg as well. I also hit up Costco any time I’m doing a party or food-focused gathering – I’ll be headed out there later this morning for thanksgiving prep. Their bakery is amazing, but they don’t put preservatives in stuff, so it doesn’t have a super long shelf life, though their muffins are the best I’ve ever had and freeze very well. In fact last year I used their double chocolate muffins as the cake for my birthday party. We get cat food and litter there, and I get my dog’s fish oil pills (OTC) there as well.

      I’d say, if there’s one somewhat local to you, go take a look, you can go in and look around without a membership. Also, you can use their optical and pharmacy without a membership, and sometimes they have better prices for those. But even as a household manager for a cluster of four adults, I still don’t go the majority of my grocery shopping there. It’s more of a, once or twice a month and on specific occasions thing.

      1. nonegiven*

        I save enough on cat litter, to pay my gas over to the town with the Sam’s, even when gas was higher. I’m not sure I could even keep them in litter in this town, if I bought every little package in town at 3 times the price per pound.

        The price difference on the same size package of cat litter at the new Pet Store and Sam’s over there, 6 or so miles farther, is enough to pay the membership. (Did I mention I have way too many cats?)

        Anything else I can get over there, at Sam’s, WalMart, or the grocery is gravy. The produce I get over there has a longer life. I swear they take the stuff that’s getting a little old off the shelves over there, then ship it to my local grocery. Milk with the same date on it, stuffed in my cooler and brought home, lasts longer than the milk I buy here and drive less than a mile, even the same brand.

        1. nonegiven*

          I wish there was a Costco, it sounds good.

          I do buy a lot of OTCs and vitamins at Sam’s, protein shakes, good enough that my mom and my husband started drinking them, too. TP, if the package shape is right, if not I get it at Walmart, paper towels. I’ve gotten really good bathmats there. Frozen hamburgers, shrimp, chicken thighs.

    3. Jayne*

      Costco can absolutely be for you! (I could be biased. I freaking love Costco.) It’s just two of us here, but we head that way at least once a month. I’ve bought clothes, appliances, throw pillows, wine, pies, movies, etc. from them over the years. Also groceries. And the most amazing squishy blanket on the planet.

      We do have to be careful on the groceryside. We don’t buy perishables unless we’re having a party, and we have to stay conscious of our storage space. But Costco is amazing. Go forth and enjoy!

    4. The Ginger Ninja*

      I’m single and I’ll hit Costco maybe twice a year. As others have said, it’s storage-dependent. Things I stock up on:

      -Cheese strings
      -meat (divide ground beef into onelb packages and freeze; cut beef into smaller steaks and freeze; buy the individually wrapped chicken breasts and freeze)
      -the giant jar of minced garlic, which lives in the fridge
      -better than bouillon stock (also lives in the fridge)
      -sometimes I’ll get the brown rice ramen noodles
      -sometimes I’ll get those Naked juices, but only if they’re on sale.

      My last trip was the meat, cheese, and a couple of other things. I think I got out for about $130 (which I know isn’t feasible for lots of people). One thing you can do is share stuff with your friend. My colleague was saying she and her MIL got a pack of those gyoza and a pack of the spring rolls (they both come in individually-wrapped two-packs) and shared them. In the past I’ve gotten the gray of stuffed salmon and shared them with my mom. That makes the storage easier too.

      1. The Ginger Ninja*

        I should add, my Costco also has a liquor store and it’s amazing. I have to go to a thing for the thing we do not discuss on weekends, otherwise I’d be having a coffee with the Kirkland Irish cream right now.

    5. peggy*

      You don’t have to buy a pallet of 36 cans of chicken broth or anything (they probably do sell that) to get a good deal at Costco. They have larger than drug store bottles of shampoo, conditioner, vitamins, 3 packs of toothpaste, 4 packs of deodorant, stuff like that; all things that cost a little less when you’re buying them in semi-bulk. They also have clothes, produce, prepared foods, flowers, books, dvds, video games, toys, TVs, jewelry, etc.

    6. Teach*

      There are things worth going for: seasonal clothing items (I picked up a lovely cashmere blend poncho!), medicine (a year of Zyrtec for $12), books, laundry tabs, kombucha, and the home goods are often good deals if you need a blender, cooler, set of dishes, etc.

    7. CAA*

      Costco is the perfect “shop with a friend” store. Way, way, back in the distant past when it was named Price Club, and my sister and I were both young and single, we used to shop there together and split the large packages.

      If you plan to bake for the holidays, look for:
      – butter – four one-pound packages shrink wrapped together, salted or unsalted. Easy to split with a friend and keeps forever in the fridge.
      – Kirkland chocolate chips (Kirkland is their own brand)
      – Dried fruit.
      – Nuts. Keep them in the freezer and they last forever.
      – Vanilla extract
      – Don’t buy giant jars of spices, they won’t stay fresh enough unless you’re baking as much as a commercial kitchen

      1. the gold digger*

        Do prices vary by region? Because I have always found the butter to be more expensive (by weight) than butter at my grocery store or at Aldi. (I love Aldi.)

        What I have noticed for me with Costco is I really have to know my unit prices. Costco sells things in sizes you don’t see at the regular store so unless I know what something costs per pound or per ounce, I can get swept up in the Costco excitement. (Plus the nearest Costco to us is over 20 miles away. I am not sure it is worth the membership fee plus the time and gas to get a discount on a few things. But that’s just me.)

        1. CAA*

          It may vary by region, or my nearest grocery store might just be very expensive. Out of curiosity, I just looked up pricing for butter on both store’s delivery services to get a comparison. Both sites asked for my zip code before they’d give a price so I think these are the same thing I’d see in the actual stores.

          Costco — 4 lbs of butter packaged in 1/4 lb cubes is $12.19. If you want 1 lb slabs, it’s $12.09. I spend the 10 cents and get cubes.
          Vons — 2 lbs of Lucerne butter is on special for $7.00, regular $7.98. So, $14.00 for 4 lbs.

          Costco is clearly the cheaper of these two options, but $1.81 is not going to break the bank, and there might be other items where Vons is cheaper.

          1. I Love Costco!*

            My Costco had the same butter for $10.99 yesterday, so the pricing must be regional. It’s slightly cheaper (maybe $2) than the store brand at my local store, and I prefer the Kirkland (Costco) butter to my store brand. It just tastes better! If I was shopping at my local store, I would buy the name brand and Costco would save me around $6.

      2. nonegiven*

        I buy the 4 packs of butter and put one in the freezer. This is the south, we go through that stuff pretty fast, no need to split it up.

        I forgot the bags of individually frozen salmon and cod.

    8. Janelle*

      Can really be good. A few things are with buying larger portions. For example two mouthwashes for the price of one. Their extra virgin olive oil is one of the best rated on the market and $13 for a big bottle. Sheets are cheap and decent quality. Often a friend and I split bulk items. Worth it to try with her membership one time.

    9. LCL*

      Two people, both adults, and one dog in our household. And I also shop for my mom. At Costco I stock up on mostly non perishable things,or things with a long shelf life, which are much cheaper there. I won’t buy liquor there, because in my state Liquor had been sold in state stores only, so Costco bankrolled an initiative that overturned that, so now we can buy in stores everywhere with additional taxes that almost doubled the state store prices.
      Pros of Costco: it’s cheap. And they take much better care of their employees than most retailers. And the bakery! And free samples, sometimes.
      Cons: limited selection in any given category. That’s how it’s so cheap. Lack of product support. Don’t buy a bike there.

    10. Anono-me*

      I suggest the frozen plain tilapia fillets, the Della brand organic light brown rice (healthy and quick cooking), the Kirkland brand organic medium red salsa, and the Big Tub of cut up fresh fruit.

      I would also suggest the silky fleece blankets and throws.

      Take a look at their Gift cards, most sell for less than face value (usually 20-25% off). While most are for restaurants, they do have other stuff too.

      The photo services at the Costco have good quality and good prices for my area. Unless it is a special order, you can order your pictures on the way in and pick them up on the way out.

      1. Anono-me*

        Two things.

        Today and this Wednesday are not good days to go if you are in the USA.

        Flu shots are $20

    13. Book Lover*

      I love Costco! Even if you don’t want to buy bulk groceries, they have clothes, shoes, blankets, sheets, toys, books, DVDs, etc. It is fun :)

    15. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Things on my bjs (almost Costco) list that could work for a single person:
      Rice, beans, etc
      3 pack of pasta sauce
      Box of canned tomatoes
      Two pack of applegate farms lunch meat (freezable)
      Box of veggie or other frozen burgers
      Frozen fish/chicken fillets, individually packaged
      Frozen veggies
      Laundry detergent
      Dish detergent and liquid soap
      Toiletries
      Vitamins
      Etc.

      Sure, you’re not going to be able to use the 12 pack of yoghurt, but there’s lots of things that are shelf stable and/or in small packages. There are still a lot of items in restaurant sized packaging, but there’s lots of multi packs of smaller portions as well. Just be careful: if you have it, you will eat it. The number of days where I’m too busy to cook from scratch is directly proportional to how many convenience foods I have on hand.

    16. Grumpy*

      I’m not sure I want to renew my Costco membership because I think the quality has gone WAY down. First world problems.
      But it’s definitely not just huge sizes and cheap lattes, there’s lots of stuff you probably didn’t know you wanted.

    17. super anon*

      I *love* Costco! My partner and I live in a small apartment, but I still go there regularly for lots of things. Cleaning and household supplies are incredibly cheap at Costco, and the main thing I stock up on. I got a giant 30 pack of double rolls of Charmin toilet paper for $14.00 last week – considering a 12 pack of single rolls is that much elsewhere it’s totally worth the effort to go there. I also buy paper towels, washer & dishwasher pods, ziplock bags, aluminum foil, sponges, etc at Costco because the savings are significant. Produce is another good buy, especially for fruit that isn’t in season or otherwise expensive, as are milk and eggs. I’ll buy meat and freeze it, which leads to not having to buy meat for a few months until I run out. I also buy gum, soy milk 6-packs, and my favourite cereal that isn’t sold anywhere else there. Oh, and Coffeemate, because they sell a 2kg tub for like $6.

      They also sell off the wall things, like heated blankets in winter, pillows, etc that can be great buys. I got a heated blanket for $40 last week, when I paid $100 for the same thing at not-Costco the year before. My friend bought a Montblanc pen for $250 once, which I thought was neat.

      Things I don’t buy at Costco:
      – Pre-made frozen foods, or anything in the freezer section because it’s too big for our freezer and doesn’t get eaten fast enough.
      – Coffee, because I don’t like the brands they sell, nor do I have a grinder to use their beans.
      – The majority of the pre-packaged food and snacks because I can’t eat them fast enough, or I get bored of the snack before it’s even close to finish. The exception to this is granola bars.
      – Any of their bakery goods, because they are entirely too big for 2 people/someone without a giant freezer
      – Tires, because they didn’t sell the brand I wanted in the size I needed
      – Most cooking supplies and condiments, aside from olive oil
      – Most dairy products like yogurt, etc because it’s too much to eat before it goes back. I will buy their giant packs of Danactive because my partner likes it.

      Also, their food court is fantastic and worth visiting for alone. If you’re worried about having too much, it’s also possibly to go to Costco with a friend and split items, especially multi-packed items like Nutella, Olive Oil, Eggs, etc.

      tl;dr: I love Costco as a small family person, and if I ever ended up single again I’d still go there for cleaning supplies, meat and their a+ value food court.

    18. The Other Dawn*

      I belong to a different club, but same thing, really. It’s just me and my husband, but I find that we make out a lot better on certain things. I typically buy cheese there, since it’s cheaper than the grocery store. Especially goat cheese. I buy eggs and steam them in the Instant Pot for hard-boiled eggs all week long. I also buy my cocoa powder there. I make an iced mocha latte everyday and usually more than one a day on the weekends, so I go through a lot. I can get roughly 25 ounces for less than $8.00. I sometimes buy cat food, but typically only when I plan to donate it, since there isn’t a big selection. It’s great for sandwich-sized croissants, breakfast pastry trays when you’re entertaining house guests, motor oil, butter, and usually pure vanilla extract (although prices are so high lately it might not matter).

    19. Lynn*

      I love Costo! Single with two cats and I mainly hit it up for the fresh food. The produce is great, and something like a tray of tomatoes might seem like a lot, until you fry a couple, make a nice pasta dinner, toss some on salad, etc. I could basically l live off of their fresh produce, meat, and cheese section. Also, rotisserie chickens – twice as large as the local grocery and a dollar cheaper. It’s enough that I share pretty freely with the kitties. Eggs, cheese trays, tortillas, fingerling potatoes, avocados, sparkling water, etc., have all been greater quality and less expensive than the regular groceries here. Other things like pasta, rice, beans, and the like are all much cheaper in bulk and store really well. And then the regular bulk items – large packages of cereal, a case of iced coffee, and so on. If you have realistic expectations about meal planning and using things before they go bad, plus a little storage space, it’s really great.

      Plus, there’s the on-0ff purchases – PJs, cat trees, jeans, comforters.

    21. Zathras*

      My experience is with BJs but it’s similar to what others have posted. For most things you are buying a large size, but in a lot of cases (especially with perishables) it’s not a ridiculously giant industrial size, it’s more comparable to the large “value size” at a normal supermarket.

      I recommend to do your homework and compare unit prices with other grocery stores – I live near a Market Basket and their prices are the same or sometimes even better on many things. Often it works out that BJs is a better deal on the name brand but your local grocery store may offer a store brand that is cheaper. BJs also has its store brand for many things which is often a good deal and decent quality.

      I am single and most of the food I get there is just for me (plus a certain cheese which is cheaper there which I pick up for my roommate and he pays me back). Things I routinely buy there are toilet paper, olive oil coffee beans, cheese, flour, pasta, and cleaning supplies. I used to also get dog food there but they stopped carrying the one my dog likes. My local store doen’t carry beer (in MA there are weird rules about how many chain locations can sell booze) but I pick up a case if I am in a different store, it’s usually a good deal.

      Sometimes I also give in to weakness and buy the HUGE container of animal crackers for my inner 6 year old.

    22. Epsilon Delta*

      The other thing to keep in mind is that you need to save enough to break even on the membership cost. I don’t go to Costco so I dob’t know if/how much the membership cost is, but at let’s say it’s $100. So if I go to Costco once a month, I have to save an average of $8.33 compared to buying the same items at Walmart or the grocery store ($100 divided by 12 visits). If I go twice a month (24 visits) I need to save an average of $4.16 each time. Just to break even with the membership fee.
      You need to be able to take advantage of the discount frequently enough for it to add up.

  18. I am still Furious!!*

    In the divorce saga, STBEX isn’t going to be so “soon”. His attorney sent a letter to my attorney, and it says he wants to maintain the status quo until at least February so he has time to figure out what he wants to do, and for some job to become available in Ohio. I flipped. This is ridiculous. I moved out 2 months ago, I’ve wanted a divorce for years, and he won’t cooperate. Grr!! Oh, and for extra fun, he has remembered I have a 401K and a separate pension from my first job, so of course I had to hand over that information. He has nothing. All he did during our entire marriage was take, waste, gamble, and spend, and now he wants more. It’s time to bring up the whole fraud and forgery thing, I guess. I sent a letter back to my attorney, included the info, and suggested just that. Oh, and he managed to get a part time job that nets him $300/month. Woo. Hopefully that will reduce the amount of temporary support I have to pay him.

    I noticed there are a bunch of blocked calls on my cell from both the house and his cell, not calling him back. He can write a letter. The last time I talked to him, he whined on about things, wanted to “talk”, and when I asked him why he was dragging his feet, he accused me of having a boyfriend and wanting to move things along so I could be with another man. Then he said there would be hell to pay if he found out I was having an affair while I was still married to him. Seriously. You are a liar, gambler, and thief, among other things, and you think the only reason your wife would leave is for another man? How does anyone even think these things?

    I just want my life back. I have to say, I feel so much better now than I have in a very long time. Much of the stress and anxiety I felt for years has fallen away, and I have vague memories of unpleasantness but mostly I’m hopeful and looking toward the future. Now to get the paperwork done so the State recognizes what I knew years ago: this is over, it’s been over, and it just needs to legally end now.

    1. nep*

      So happy to hear that you feel so much better and that a lot of the stress is gone — good for you. Especially that you’re now able to look forward with hope.
      All the best to you. Here’s hoping this won’t drag on for too much longer. But it sounds like you’re really doing right by yourself and moving on.

    2. WellRed*

      Please bring up the fraud and forgery. I know you’ve taken the high road so far, but time to play hardball. He can’t force you to stay married to him. And thanks for taking time to update us.

      1. Kathenus*

        I agree with WellRed. You’ve been trying to be nice and not go down this road, but from your updates it seems like he’s going to keep trying to delay with various tactics all the time. I know you hoped that the high road would be quicker, but it may not be if he keeps with the death by a thousand cuts approach to pushing this back. Obviously you, with your lawyer’s advice, need to make the decision that’s best for you; but from one outside perspective from reading your posts I think you’d get this over pretty quickly with an official legal report of fraud. Whatever your decision, you seem like an incredibly strong person and I wish you the very best in resolving this so you can move on.

      2. neverjaunty*

        Exactly this. And it is NOT up to him whether you wait to divorce him. You can move as fast as the court will let you. You don’t need his permission.

      3. Artemesia*

        This. Hope you have a lawyer who can play hardball. When a marriage just dissolves it is great to be gentle with each other. I had one of those and there was no hassle. Of course neither of us had anything so there was that. But when you have an abusive partner (in this case financially abusive) then you need to play hardball especially using the theft to counter claims to your retirement accounts. May not work, but very well might. Hope you can move it as quickly as you hope.

    4. G uk*

      Thanks for sharing. Your attitude has inspired me to chase through my own divorce where I’d left years ago and although not actively supporting him still tied financially and he’s definitely doing better out of the situation than I am. Looks like it’s going to take a whole 2 to 3 more years to sort it out finally though.

    5. Look What You Made Me Do*

      Ugh, he is being such a jerk! You’re well within your rights to hit him where it hurts, legally. Good luck getting rid of him sooner rather than later.

    6. Dan*

      Yeah, it’s time to stop taking the high road. High road is only good when both people are on it.

      When he keeps asking for things, that’s a negotiation. Ask him what he’s willing to give up for the latest request.

      Also, try not to let on that you’re desperate to get it over with. That just gives him more leverage. My ex kept asking for stuff during the process, and I just ignored every single one. Yes, it would have been nice to get things over with fast, but as long as the ball is rolling, then I didn’t care about a little delay. In fact, for me, a little delay was a good thing, because it kept me married filing jointly for a tax year I wasn’t originally planning. I got a $5000 income tax refund, and thought that was worth the wait.

    7. Genevieve Shockley*

      My apologies for butting in, as I am new to the site, so a stranger here.

      But what the heck? He has a part time job earning $300 a month and gets mainenance from you? So you are in effect paying for his lawyer? I’d look hard at that, if I were you.

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        We were married for a long time, 32 years, and he’s always been a “grasshopper” and me the “ant” if you’re familiar with the fable. I had enough, moved out to a friend’s house, and all of a sudden, Mr. Grasshopper has to fend for himself. My support payment is only $242/month to him, and yes, I am questioning whether I have to pay the full amount. If you’d like some history, search for the I am Furious or I am still Furious names over the past few months of weekend open threads.

        And you’re not butting in, welcome!!

    8. Effie*

      Keep blocking him and giving him as little brain space as possible. You’re going to get through this. So glad you’re focusing on you and gaining your life back. You’re stronger than you feel. Best wishes.

    9. Purple snowdrop is finally free*

      I’m so glad you are making progress. Keep it up my friend. We can get there :)

    10. nonegiven*

      I don’t know how long you plan to work but, if you work until you’re 70 and don’t put in for your social security, he’ll have to wait, too. If I understand the rules correctly.

  19. Kat*

    Hi from Scotland, where it’s cold but sunny! I just came back from a run I forced myself to go on, as I was feeling a bit under the weather. Still am, but at least exercise has to do me good, right?

    I think things are over for me with a guy I am very fond of. We weren’t together as such but we’ve had a relationship of sorts. Just timing was rubbish and he’s very busy and stressed and not doing so well. I am much more free and available and want fun stuff in my life. He’s Nigerian and I really do think he’s great, but I don’t think he is the one for me and I feel so bad about it. We went on a trip together a couple of weeks ago, just overnight, and I’d been so looking forward to it, but we had a massive argument and it didn’t go the way I’d hoped. I think I need to let it go and just stay friends, which I think we would be anyway. Sigh.

    Another guy I am really into but he lives far away and I don’t think he’s at the same life stage as me. I can’t let him go yet, I want to keep seeing him, but it’s not good for me to hang on to someone who isn’t able to give me what I need. I guess. Easier said than done!

    Mid-3os nearly and another failure. I don’t mind being alone but omg I really want someone on my level to chat to and walk with and be on my side. It seems too much to ask for. Tinder is awful, although I have a couple of OK guys to chat to at the moment from that. But my heart isn’t in it. I don’t know what I want.

    ANYWAY.

    I got a work bonus this month so on the happy side I’m going to buy myself new running shoes and maybe some more books :D

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m sorry things haven’t been working out in the dating department. But yay for the bonus!

      1. Kat*

        Yeh, I went on about that too much I think! It’s just all come to a head. But I’m trying to focus on all the good things. Going to enter a 10k for May, so I’ll have something to work towards and an achievement (hopefully, if I manage to do it!).

  20. nep*

    Stop me if I’ve already asked this one; if I did I don’t recall.
    Does anyone eat garbanzo bean pasta, lentil pasta, that combination garbanzo/lentil pasta, or other kind of bean pasta?
    I’m not a huge fan of pasta and hadn’t eaten it in many years, but wanted to try one of these. Decent plant-based source of protein, and something different… I tried Trader Joe’s organic black bean rotini this past week and I really like it.

    1. Red Reader*

      I picked up an edamame spaghetti a little while back for a friend who was curious and gluten intolerant. She said it was pretty good.

    2. Legalchef*

      I’ve had the chickpea pasta (brand Banzo). It’s pretty good. But cooks quicker than the package says. I’ve also tried the red lentil pasta from TJs. I thought it was only ok but my husband likes it.

      1. nep*

        I also found with the black bean rotini that it calls for less time cooking than instructions say. Seems there’s a few-second period when it turns from perfect to a bit mushy.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I just tried some red lentil pasta. I like pasta more than I like lentils but this was good, I am not sure if that tells you something.

    4. Circus peanuts*

      Consumer Reports had a recent article on the new kinds of pasta and their review of them. Go to your local public library to find the article, I am sure the librarians would love to help you out :)

    5. lemonjelly*

      My husband and I both really like the chickpea pasta! I especially like it in tomato-based dishes, I think the flavors are really complementary.

  21. Fake old Converse shoes*

    Best: I passed the exam! We had to wait for a long time to get our results (and they called us one by one, which is super stressful), but it was worthwhile. There was also a bit of drama caused by someone who leeched the hell of the entire class and couldn’t accept that she has retake the course next year. Also, I’m trying to get over my crush, and accept that it’s not going to happen in the nearby future.

    Worst: Exam season. I’m tired, really sleepy and not giving my 100%. I still have two left on Tuesday morning and Wendsday evening, so I’m forcing myself to study whenever I can. And it’s not finals season yet!

    Bonus: I think someone from OldJob is expecting a baby. I met his girlfriend last week and it seemed she had a small baby bump. I didn’t give a second thought when she placed her hands on her belly, since I do that when I have period cramps, but when her boyfriend arrived he did it too! I didn’t tell them anything, but I can’t unsee it now. They’ve been together for less than a year, they’re really young, and AFAIK they live with their respective parents, so I hope that they have all the support they need.
    I had a weird dream. One of my teachers tried asked me to work with him in some sort of secret service organisation. I should really get some proper sleep.

    1. Bibliovore*

      Best: Good week at work. Took time off when I needed it. Sunny day. Clean clothes. Planning holiday dinner. Enough. Roof over my head, food in the fridge, and clean clothes to wear.
      Worst: Chronic pain sucks. Tried a new medication this week. Made me stupid and tired. Cost a lot of money.

    2. Alexandra Duane*

      I remember when I was in college courses, the longer I had to wait to get the results of an exam, the more convinced I was that I had completely failed it. Day of exam: I did fine. Day after exam: Oh, I think I missed that one and that other one, but still okay. Day three of waiting for results: I’m sure I passed. Pretty sure. Day seven: I don’t think I passed. Day eight: Oh, my god, I failed so badly, I’ll have to change my name and flee to another country.
      Received results: Hey, I did fine! Why do I do this to myself? Next time I’ll remember this, and relax.
      Next exam, day eight: Oh, my god, I failed so badly, I’ll have to change my name and flee to another country.

      1. Artemesia*

        That would be me too. I did my masters part time in the evening while I was teaching during the day and so didn’t know all the other students really well who were taking their comps at the same time I was. When we came out of the exam, we were standing around comparing notes and they were all writing entirely different responses to the questions than I was; we had the same questions but no one seemed to be approaching them as I was. I panicked assuming I had boffed the whole thing and had somehow missed crucial information to study. Then it took two weeks to get results. I just assumed I’d be taking them again. I got top scores; no idea how those I had talked with did. But then if I get a phone call from the boss, my first thought was always ‘oh nos, what did I do wrong.’ I think this comes from early childhood conditioning that you never get quite past.

  22. Nerdgal*

    This dessert is always popular with my crowd:
    Grape salad
    1 large bunch of grapes, at room temperature, separated, washed, and dried very thoroughly – this is the critical step!
    1 c sour cream
    8 oz softened cream cheese
    1/4 c sugar
    About 1/2 c finely chopped pecans or walnuts

    Combine sour cream, sugar, and cream cheese and beat with electric mixer u til thoroughly combined

    Layer grapes, cream, and nuts in a straight sided bowl or pan. End with nuts. Chill thoroughly.

    Recipe may be doubled or tripled for large gatherings.

  23. Crafty Witch*

    So I know I’m not a full out hoarder in a ‘needs an intervention because it smells like something died in here’ kind of way, but I do wonder if I should be cutting back on my crafting things. I do a lot of different kinds of crafting, including repurposing things for cosplay. Because of this, I find myself holding onto lots various items that I may or may not get around to using.

    Plastic rings from tape dispensers, little jars from hotel breakfast buffets, teacups bought to decorate a friend’s bridal shower, lots of random items like that. It’s items that I don’t know for certain I’ll be using but I keep in case I need it, which I realized while sorting stuff this week is a mentality of hoarding. It was very alarming to have that thought run across my mind.

    Everything is contained in my crafting area, it’s not spilling out into places in the house that it shouldn’t be. But I wanted to ask crafters since I think we have the tendency to keep things that might be useful to our next project: what’s the line between full out hoarding and simply having a big collection of crafting stuff?

    1. Allypopx*

      If it’s contained and well organized, I think it’s fine. Cosplay is SO expensive, I know a lot of people who hold onto things so they don’t need to repurchase them if they become useful later. And with crafty stuff you really might use it! Pinterest is a black hole of mason jars and hot glue.

      It’s good that you’re self checking, but what you’re describing sounds fine. You have limits. Could you do a small purge? You don’t have to get rid of everything, or even a lot, but might make you feel better to clear a little space.

    2. Zathras*

      As long as you have the storage space and can find the stuff again when you do want to use it, it’s not really a problem.

      Something that can help with things you accumulate steadily (like tape dispenser rolls) is to limit yourself to saving some number X unless you have a specific project in mind.. So say you have have 10 rolls, and no purpose for them, you don’t save any more. Then maybe you use 2 of them, so you save 2 more until you have 10 again. Or you realize you need 50 for a specific project, then you start saving them for that project.

      I also read some useful advice on decluttering that could apply here – ask yourself how easy it would be to replace the thing if you came up with some use for it later. If you can replace without much effort for less than $X, maybe just get rid of it. $X will be different for everyone, pick some amount of money that is not a pain point for you. You can view it as being willing to spend $X occasionally in order to have fewer things overall, because the number of things you get rid of will almost certainly be larger than the number of things you need to acquire later.

      This doesn’t work so well for things you wouldn’t be able to replace but it generally works great for crap you have laying around the house “just in case.”

    3. HannahS*

      For me, I ask myself, how might I use this object and when I would need to use it, how expensive/inconvenient it would be to replace it, how much space it’s taking up, and how attached I feel to it. If I have no idea how I might use something or would use it in a potential project years from now, it’s not expensive and would be fairly easy to find something similar, if it’s taking up enough space to be annoying AND I feel really attached to it…that’s not too good, and I should probably throw it out. Because why am I feeling attached to it? Is there a way for me to use/enjoy it right now? Sometimes the answer is that it reminds me of something I like, or I don’t want to waste it, so then I make a point of using it right now to make something…which usually doesn’t work out as well as I’d like, so I can call it a practice run and throw it out satisfied that I’ve “used it up.” But if it’s all just in your crafting area and you know what you have, it’s probably ok. There’s nothing wrong with keeping things in case you might use them; hoarding is when that mentality spirals out of control. And I get real satisfaction from “using things up” when I manage to turn all those ends of balls of yarn into a blanket or use scraps of fabric to make a lining for something.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I ask myself similar questions.
        Quantity:Some items are used in pairs or in groups of fours. Therefore saving 3 or 5 does not make sense. I get rid of the extra one.

        Level of necessity: Some items when you need it you need it. For example it’s foreseeable that my sewing machine needle could break. I have at least one spare on hand.

        Containment by Container Size: Ex: I allow myself one drawer of laces and trims. If I buy something new and it does not fit the drawer then I must get rid of some things until new item fits the drawer. I just took a pass on a free bag FULL of spendy trims. sigh.

        Junk vs. Quality: This happened in the past more than it does now, but I would get caught up in the moment and buy materials that were not good quality. I watch more carefully now and I also get rid of things that are crappy quality as I come across them.

        Likelihood of Use: I remind myself that just because I used x on a project ten years ago does not automatically mean I need to keep it now. Using it ten years ago has no relationship to what I am doing today.

        Saving pieces to make repairs on stuff: Some things I make are not long term keepers. When they wear out, I am more likely to throw them away than I am to repair them. This means I do not have to save scraps from that particular project to make repairs on things that I am most likely to toss.

        What triggered all this was craft stuff became a black hole for money. I kept throwing money into stuff and hit a point where I was not using it at the same rate I was buying it.

    4. MommaCat*

      I work in theatre, so I can help with this question! With any thing we might want to keep, I try to ask three questions: how much space does it take up, how hard/expensive would it be to get/make again, and how often will we use it? From there it becomes a balancing act. Like, we’ve got some fireplaces on wheels that take up a lot of space, but we use them a few times a year and they’d be a pain to make again. Keep. A crazy specialty prop that might be used again, but not in the near future? Depends on the size and difficulty to replace (I’m looking at you, stuffed platypus. You are a Keep because you’re easy to store and would be tough to replace). Theatre folks tend to hoard, so I know your pain! You’ll obviously have to adapt the examples to your needs, of course. ;-)

    5. Ree*

      I’m a professional organizer and my rule for how to identify a hoard vs useful is:
      Are you buying new things because you can’t find the same thing somewhere in your house?
      When you have to start buying multiples because you can’t find the item you KNOW you already own, that’s when it’s a problem.

      Besides that, just use clear boxes to organize and label everything!

  24. Amyyy*

    My roommate always interrupts me to ask me vapid questions about what I’m doing. It doesn’t go on for long because I don’t give him much to go on, but it sometimes happens every 20 minutes, and it’s super annoying. It’ll be like:

    Him: Hey what’re you doing?
    Me: Just applying to jobs.
    Him: Word.

    20 minutes later

    Him: What did you do today?
    Me: Mostly just apply to jobs.
    Him: Word.

    20 minutes later

    Him: Hey what’s up?

    ETC.

    I don’t know why he hasn’t figured out that these conversations are going nowhere. While he can’t be psychic and predict if I’m intently focused on something or not, it’s SUPER annoying. I need to convince him to let me stay here another month though or I’ll be out on the street, but I don’t know what to say. Normally I’d just be like, “Dude, I told you 20 minutes ago. Stop interrupting me,” but if he’s the type of person who doesn’t get it by now, then he’s probably also going to be the person who’s offended if I tell him that way. How can I say, “STOP ASKING ME WHAT I’M DOING ALL THE TIME IT’S WEIRD” in a nicer way?

    1. Akcipitrokulo*

      Just trll him… nicely… “what you doing?” “Applying for jobs… can we talk when I’m done?” or “Sorry, can’t talk, in middle of this.”

      TBH it’s annoying but not his fault he doesn’t get hint… what’s obvious to you may nog be to him, and distracted or short anwers doesn’t scream “leave me alone for X time”.

      It’s also an opener… like “how are you” means “I acknowledge you, fellow human” (love that one from Alison!) . “What are you doing?” doesn’t necessarily mean what are you doing – it just means “I would like to initiate a friendly conversation with you.”

      1. fposte*

        Yes, I’m thinking that if you’re in the same room he feels awkward not talking to you, or he’d just like to socialize. It’s not weird; it’s just not what you like. You’re not required to talk to him, but you haven’t clarified your own approach, so he’s not going to know that you want something different. Tell him nicely what you want.

    2. G uk*

      My OH does this, even in his sleep. He lived on his own for a long time before I moved in and I think he’s just not used to having someone eelse in the space and its become an instinctive response to make a sound in response to any movement. a human motion detector. We’ve discussed it and concluded that he doesn’t realize he’s doing it most of the time and I can just say “ok” or whatever without offending him and if he really wants to know something he’ll ask again. It definitely happens more often when he’s tired.

  25. Training and eating*

    I’ve been slowly losing weight and started with a personal trainer this past week to work on tone and strength.I expected to be sore since I have not done this training in awhile, but I was surprised at how hungry I was. I had a protein shake right after the training (muscle milk light). Any good suggestions of nutritious food to get me through? There’s only so many almonds and yogurts and apples (my usual go to snacks) I can eat in a day.

    1. Recruit-o-rama*

      Chicken. Two years ago I successfully dropped 50 pounds, and regular and varied exercise DOES make you so hungry! Chicken has protein, is filling and can be prepared in a million different ways but is still relatively low calorie. I used to cook up little chicken breast strips in bulk and have 3 or 4 after a workout and I dipped them in either mustard or hot sauce, both of which are zero calorie and very flavorful.

      By the way, I have kept all the weight off, and I still eat lots of chicken! Good luck to you, and congratulations on your journey to feeling stronger!

    2. Janelle*

      When I used to work out non stop i could eat an entire buffet it seemed. As much protein as possible and then I’d add some shakes now and again to help.

    3. fposte*

      I love cheese, and the best snack version for me is cheese curds–no slicing necessary, just grab and go.

    6. Jessi*

      Cheese! TJ does low fat cheese sticks. Seaweed? I find the salt and the crunch good. Cup of hot liquid along side what ever else you are eating

  26. Brooke*

    Does anyone know if there are ny kinds of temporary free housing places — specifically in NYC?

    I left my last job because of sexual harassment. I’m on unemployment now, but I’m not making the full amount. I don’t have family. I’m having a lot of calls and interviews, but these companies work slowly, and I haven’t gotten an offer yet.

    I’m not sure where I’m going to live next month. I was considering that couchsurfing site, but I don’t know how reliable that is.

    I don’t know if a shelter is a good idea.

    I know that the city will pay your rent as a one-time thing if you can show it’s one time only — so I think I’d have to have a job already lined up to qualify.

    What can I do?

    1. NYC*

      I’m following fposte’s example on this and putting a link on my name.That seems to be the official site.

      If you are under 24 and LGBT, Ali Forney would be a great resource.

      If you google “Connections: A Guide for Formerly Incarcerated Individuals” this should bring you to great directory the New York Public Library put out. Don’t be put off by the word incarcerated, it’s a great annotated list of public services available in NYC,including housing, food pantries, financial assistance, etc.

      Lastly, there are some facebook groups that exist that may be helpful. I only know more queer oriented ones, but perhaps some creative searching can lead you to others. Radical Queer Exchange is one I know for example,where people help each other in various ways, including couch surfing.

      Good luck!

      1. Brooke*

        Thank you for the resources. I don’t think I’d qualify for most of them. I’d also be really scared about going to a women’s shelter — do you know anything about them? I feel like I’d be safer couch surfing.

        1. AnonAndOn*

          If you don’t mind me asking, why would you be afraid of going to a women’s shelter? Not judging, just curious.

          I’ve volunteered at one in the past and it provided great services to its residents. It wasn’t in NYC, though.

    3. MsChanandlerBong*

      I do not know of any specific resources, as I haven’t lived in NYC since 2005. However, when I lived there, I was homeless for a few weeks (long story). I could not get any help, so I ended up staying at the Hosteling International hostel on Amsterdam Avenue. It’s about $35 per night, so it’s not a solution if you’re absolutely out of money, but if you have a little bit of money, you could stay there for a week or so while you keep applying/interviewing.

  27. Kali*

    I’m catching up with the newest episode of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (no spoilers here), and I’ve been rewatching the first two seasons because a week is way too long. The other day, there was a post here with a couple of links about what it meant to be ‘basic’, and I read those and a few more and found that ‘Becky’ is the most basic name. Watching the end of season 2, and Rebecca’s obsession with pinterest made me realise that what Rebecca wants is to BE basic Becky; to be someone who can get excited about seasonal drinks, and who can be right and normal and fit in and have a pinterest perfect life.

    Also this whole thing is making me so sad. ;_; I feel like the show says a lot of important things about mental health, and I love the excitement in the first song of S3E6…but it’s so hard watching someone struggle, even a fictional character.

    1. Janelle*

      Just found out last night this is back on tv. Hoping I can find all six current episiodes on demand or something to watch.

      Not reading all you wrote to avoid spoilers.

    2. CityMouse*

      I have such mixed feelings about that show. It’s hilarious and fun, but also sometimes really hard to watch.

    3. Melody Pond*

      I just watched S3E6, too! I freaking love this show.

      I love that every single character is human with human struggles and we get to explore the depths of each character, and the struggles themselves are taken seriously, even in a show filled with a lot of laughs. It would be so easy for a show like this to treat Rebecca as the butt of a cliched joke, where she’s just a “crazy” vice character, but that’s not what they do here. They place her behavior in a context of genuine mental health struggles and they actually treat it like a serious thing worth working on, instead of stigmatizing it.

      Have I mentioned that I love this show? :)

      1. Kali*

        I so love the first song in this episode. The thing she wants is something where a lot of people (in my personal experience) would be honestly baffled as to why anyone would want such a thing, or see them as totally needless…but they ARE necessary, for the reasons she gives.

    4. Casca*

      I love it, but I can’t binge it because it’s so intense.

      Also, the writers write Rebecca really well, but the show doesn’t do everything really well- although I wonder if things will get dealt with in this or next season since the show seems to have a good memory. (for example, Daryl gets away with a lot of crap- what he did to White Josh this season was invasive and pushy and NOT ok, but we’re still being treated to them as the perfect couple. I also don’t like how some other characters with mental illness don’t get as sympathetic treatment even though they obviously can’t have the depth of storytelling Rebecca gets- eg- Karen)

      1. Kali*

        I’m a bit concerned that Naomi claimed “I’m only abusive and manipulative because I love you so much!” and some parts of the show made it seem like that’s okay.:/ Just because Rebecca’s dad is a terrible parent doesn’t mean her mother isn’t.

        1. Casca*

          Yes- I really wonder where they’re going to land on that. Naomi has some issues of her own and even if the show wants to claim she tried her best, she has still hurt Rebecca so much with the way she treats her.

        2. Someone else*

          Obviously, it’s a bit subjective, but I don’t think the show implies Naomi’s behavior is OK at all. I think it paints her as pretty horrible, albeit sometimes well-intentioned, which doesn’t make her less horrible but does make her, in theory, more interesting. In comparison to Mr. Bunch, her motivations are more complex and thus even though Naomi is manipulative and horrible, she’s occasionally worthy of some sympathy (while the dad is just a total ass who can eff right off). To me, Naomi is never presented as a good parent, but she is a bucket full of Jewish mother bad habits that are so ubiquitous they seem stereotypical…but really they’re just…typical.

      2. Kali*

        Also; completely agree with you on Daryl and Karen. Karen is the normal comedic mentally ill character you see in other shows, and you’re completely right about the lack of sympathetic treatment. :(

        1. Casca*

          Yup- Who’s The New Guy is ruined for me because of that. And it seems like the actress isn’t with the show anymore so I doubt we’ll ever get payoff for the poor treatment…

      3. AnonAndOn*

        I hope that Paula’s issues are addressed too. It seemed like she was doing well (going to law school, working out her issues with her husband) but she seems to have regressed. Her behavior in this week’s episode was clingy.

        It looks like the next episode shows her dealing with a romantic interest from her past.

  28. Concerned Daughter*

    What do you do for the people in your life that you’re worried about?

    To make a long story short, I’m worried about my mother. There’s nothing in particular going on to make me worry, no one big issue that could be solved. But just general worry. Her job is very involved and stressful, and her retirement is still far off. She has lots of family concerns, taking care of her parents (they live a state away but she handles all their bills and paperwork) and being the rock of her siblings. She just bought and moved into a new house that she just loves but she’s further away from her friends, which she has admitted to me makes her a bit lonely at times.

    It feels like she rarely gets a break from things. We were on vacation together a few months ago and she was checking her email/texts every evening to find something new from her work or her parents that took her out of the relaxing getaway.

    As her daughter, there’s a lot that she won’t let me do to help her. So I try to do silly random things that I know will make her smile. She has a late work meeting on Monday so I’m going to sneak a present into her house for her to enjoy when she returns. I’m trying to plan an easy Christmas for us (going out to a fancy restaurant for dinner rather than us cooking). I treat her out to movies and drinks whenever our free time syncs up. But I want to do more for her. My dream is to one day treat her to a vacation where she doesn’t have to pay for a single thing, but that’s going to take a lot time saving up (unless I get lucky in a sweepstakes).

    But what do you do for your loved ones to cheer them up, to let them know that you’re thinking about them, especially when you can’t solve all their problems, you just want them to smile for a bit?

    1. nep*

      I love the idea of sneaking a present for your mother to find after a long work day. You’re a sweet daughter to see her struggle and want to help her.
      Sometimes I’ll put a question to a family member to get them talking about something I know they really like talking about. Example — a relative loves talking about the family history so at one point when I could see she was really down and frustrated because of health issues, I asked about one aspect of that. She started talking, became quite animated, asked me to get some documents she had with some family dates / history so she could look through it. It depends on a person’s state, but I find that sometimes it can help just to get them talking about something they enjoy. It can pull them out of a deep funk even if only for a few moments.
      There’s this sort of turn that can happen when someone is asked about something near and dear to them.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      You might already be doing it.
      The roads in life can be long. If someone comes along with random “helps”, good news, fun conversations, etc those things can become hugely meaningful over time. It’s not that you have done anything big at one given moment. It’s that you keep showing up and keep doing little thoughtful gestures. And this can actually be harder than saving for that vacation trip. It takes strength. It takes a quiet knowing that your caring will add up over time.

      I think of two people in my life and we did this with each other. A phone call saying, “Hey, what’s going on today?” can be a very powerful uplifting thing. My aunt and I used to call each other every day. I think about all we accomplished in those phone calls. She told me how to fix my fridge that suddenly started peeing on the floor. I found a place for her to donate left over colonoscopy supplies that her late husband had. We found money for a car for her. We talked through health care choices, home repair issues and lots of other stuff. And it all started with, “hey, what’s going on today?”

  29. Kali*

    Also, I’ve been rewatching A Year In the Life (Gilmore Girls – slightly more spoilers here but not the big one) after one of the posts earlier this week recommended the one where Alison responded to fictional situations. I’ve had a secret theory that Rory is polyamorous; that would mean she’s made a decision for herself, she’s forged an entirely new path away from what her family expects, and she’s doing something ethical and right for herself, instead of lying and hurting people. But, I paid close attention to the scene at the hotel this time, and Rory outright says that one partner doesn’t know about the other, so even if she were trying to be ethically polyamorous, or even if one of her partners is being honest with his fiance (Rory and the fiance avoid one another, but everything I see can be explained away by their having an arrangement to be discrete and avoid having extra partners impact on their relationship, without those partners necessarily *having* to be secret), Rory is still lying and cheating. :(

    1. CityMouse*

      I liked that show as a teenager, but as an adult, I find it a bit horrifying. Rory’s behavior is really entitled, as is Lorelai’s. Lorelai wants to be a friend more than a mom, and it’s not healthy. That’s not what a kid needs.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, I agree, and I think there’s a lot of us. I’ve been seeing a lot of discussion about whether that’s deliberate or not. A Year in the Life makes it more likely to be deliberate, I think, but I’m still not entirely convinced. The deck is also slightly stacked because Kelly Bishop is so freaking awesome and she gets the best arc in A Year in the Life.

        1. TL -*

          I don’t think it is deliberate – I am of the opinion that Amy Sherman-Palladino has idealized her characters more than is healthy for them. :)

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking too. As a book reviewer, I’m always intrigued by the difference between a protagonist the author knows is a jerk and a jerk protagonist the author thinks is a fine human being; similar thing here.

    2. Emily*

      I used to really like Gilmore Girls, but I feel like by the time of A Year In the Life…Rory is not a great person. She is selfish and inconsiderate, and fairly entitled – it seems like she hasn’t yet realized that having a spark of talent will not alone be enough to get her a prestigious job.

      It’s understandable that 21-year-old Rory would have to work through some of this – after all, in the original show, she often gets what she wants and has been shown to be bad at handling setbacks (stealing a yacht and dropping out of school in response to being told she doesn’t have what it takes for journalism is a huge overreaction) – but in the revival it feels like she hasn’t grown in the ten years since we last saw her. I’m curious about what Amy Sherman-Palladino’s intent was with the revival – are we still supposed to like Rory, find her a sympathetic character?

      1. Kali*

        Tbh, I’ve never actually *liked* the titular Gilmore Girls – for me, the appeal of the show is something like (part of) the appeal of this blog; stories about people behaving shockingly badly to one another. That said, I was really surprised at how bad they were in YITL.

        1. Allypopx*

          Same, but yeah they really took it up a notch in YITL. I think Rory’s behavior tracks, if you take it as a whole, but it is really disappointing and unlikable.

      2. TL -*

        ASP has said she’s never watched the final season of GG and it’s a common enough theory that A Year in the Life is just the seventh season she wanted, without taking into account the characters are 10 years older. (Which actually makes a lot of sense; much of what Rory/Lorelai are going through would make more sense in Rory’s senior year of college/Lorelei’s first or second year of being in a relationship with Luke.)

    4. nep*

      My sister is a HUGE fan of that show. I can’t watch it for more than a few seconds; there is just something about the way the two main characters talk and act. Perhaps if I gave it a chance I’d get some of the redeeming value, but I never could watch it.

    5. Caledonia*

      A Year in a Life has totally ruined it for me and I haven’t watched Gilmore Girls since. I might in time go back to it but for now, I will stick to my re-watch of Law and Order and new shows.

    6. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      There was an awesome article somewhere (I regret being unable to find it now) where the authors argued that the original series, while it had issues, was essentially pretty optimistic. Rory was going to have the college education and youthful adventures her mom didn’t get to have, she dumps Logan who is The Worst in order to go pursue her dreams, and Lorelei ends up creating a good life for herself. But they argued that in the revival, it almost feels like Amy Sherman-Palladino kind of hates Rory, because Rory now has few redeeming qualities and [spoiler ending spoiler].

    7. Frea*

      Fun fact: I’m the exact same age as Rory (same birthday!), a bookish nerd, and went on to become a writer, and there has never been a character more disappointing to me than Rory Gilmore. A Year in the Life was the perfect example of how not to be a freelance writer in today’s day and age. Just give up and make her a socialite, Palladinos. Stop besmirching my career.

      Also! Her decision (spoiler) to write a book about Lorelai’s experiences even when Lorelai outright said she was not comfortable with this just made me want to throw things at her head on behalf of all the writers out there who DO have ideas and can write things that aren’t cloyingly autobiographical. But that’s a problem I have about all TV novelists: the concept that their characters are all thinly-veiled versions of their coworkers is fun to base an episode around because it’s amusing to mock the show characters we see every week. But really, the idea that novelists can only write from personal experience/about the people around them is uncreative and annoying. Please stop doing this trope, TV shows. Please.

      But yeah, she wasn’t ethically poly, she was just straight-up cheating for a joke made in poor taste because Rory is the Worst. Sorry for hijacking your thread, I just have a lot of grievances about her.

  30. Allypopx*

    I posted last week about asking my boyfriend’s money for a loan as I’m going back to school full time.

    Well…they responded strongly. They said I wasn’t asking for enough, and that I’d obviously need more than rent money. They don’t want to talk about it being a loan. They don’t want either of us to graduate buried in debt. They think it’s “nice” I want to keep working but school should be the focus. Just for flavor they also made it clear that if we have any kids their college is paid for.

    I’m…overwhelmed. They’re nice people, but as I said before I’ve never asked for money before and wasn’t prepared for that response. I appreciate it, but it also makes me feel strange. We’re not married, or engaged. We plan to get married after we finish school and I’m not worried about the relationship, it just seems premature from their perspective. They’ve expressed complete faith that I’m going to do great things with my life. It seems silly to feel anything but grateful but I’m processing a mix of emotions.

    Anyone dealt with anything like this before? I come from a very poor background and I’ve worked my ass off to get to a reasonably successful place in life. This seems to easy. Again I know that’s ridiculous. I guess I need perspective?

    1. Janelle*

      I get being uncomfortable. I once borrow money in college for a computer from my grandfather and I still cringe. That being said they sound very lovely and like they can afford it. Sometimes we need help and it is ok to ask and take it. I’d say be happy you have such lovely potential future in laws as so many people don’t. Maybe repay their generosity by inviting them to a nice home cooked meal and saying thank you. :)

    2. Anonymous Saturday*

      Some families are just like this. When my husband and I were dating and it became obvious that we were serious (but before we were even engaged) it was made very clear to me that his parents considered me part of the family, and family takes care of family. (His sister was/is another story, but let’s keep this positive.)

      1. Allypopx*

        It’s so alien to me. I come from a small family with very little means. He has a big, welcoming extended family that are absorbing me in without question. It’s lovely, but also o_o

        1. misspiggy*

          My husband’s family were originally skilled immigrants. They feel that if the better off invest money in the rest, the whole family succeeds.

          My family were poor, with no useful networks. So we only share advice and time with each other, because no one has historically had any money to share.

          Starting with more to invest, my husband’s family has done better. My family only became successful through state help.

          But when my husband was hamstrung by mental health issues, and I wasn’t earning much, the family helped with costs for us to live together (well before we got engaged). Having emotional support from me on tap allowed him to start a career. So the investment worked!

    3. Kathenus*

      My brothers and I have talked a lot about some life lessons from our two sets of grandparents. My dad’s parents were always very frugal, and that trait has passed itself down to my dad and to various levels with us as well. Even though they did well for themselves they never changed how they viewed spending money – they weren’t stingy, just careful.

      My mom’s parents were, by contrast, frequently generous with things like $20 here and $50 there when we visited, or when we were away in college (back when I was in college $50 was a lot!). They told us over and over that if someone offers you something that they mean it, so take it in the spirit it was intended.

      So I’d suggest that you take this in the spirit intended, be genuinely thankful but don’t let yourself feel guilty or bad about it.

      And interestingly back to the grandparents story, my dad’s parents’ frugality ended up with them giving us each a generous lump sum of money that helped us each pay for one year of college (if we chose), while my other grandparents’ small gifts throughout their lives gave us some small treats throughout the year. Both incredibly generous in different ways, and both gave us life lessons that have stayed with us forever.

      Also, listen to what they told you, with their faith in you as a person and with your character. Sounds like you’re a wonderful person and they’ve seen this.

      1. Allypopx*

        Thank you. They’re funny, his mom is much more on the frugal side and his dad is much more of a giver. But they both want to help “the kids” out with whatever they need. You’re completely right though, I need to take it in the spirit intended. They aren’t obligated, they wouldn’t have to be so generous if they didn’t want to.

    4. Anono-me*

      It sounds like you have a great new family that really is happy to have you as a member (or future member), and wants what’s best for you and your partner and your future children. How absolutely wonderful.

      That being said, I get that you feel weird about it. What if you ask them to please treat it like alone for now; Then later if they still wanted, they could forgive it in chunks over time as special occasion gifts?

      1. Allypopx*

        I sort of got a vague “eh, maybe we can talk about that after you graduate” that was clearly meant to end the conversation. I don’t want to insult them by pushing it. But absolutely, I have a great, supportive new family. It’s just sort of a shock to the system.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Listen to what your bf’s take is on all this. I did not listen to my husband as closely as I should have, so that was a lesson in my life. Our SO’s know, I mean really know, their family. If your bf says this is okay then it’s probably okay.

      I am going on that your bf will probably say this is okay. I think that what is happening here is that they reeeeally like you. This is their way of encouraging you as an individual and encouraging the two of you as a couple. They understand the importance of encouraging others and encouraging younger people in particular.

      I am looking at a setting right now, where my friends (grandparents) are letting their granddaughter live with them while she goes to school. She found a guy, he’s great. I mean really great, my friends are so impressed with him. Now the guy and his dog live with my friends while he and granddaughter finish school. These are not wealthy people, but they share what they have so this couple can launch their lives together. And it’s working. Everyone is doing their part. Granddaughter and bf are finishing up their schooling and working long hours.

      So several things.
      Vow to pay it forward in some manner some day. I am not implying that you should have kids, so please don’t read that in here. There are plenty of opportunities to encourage people and help them move forward. And those opportunities occur in so many ways and forms.

      Promise yourself that you will do your best. When you have successes, share your successes with these people. Let them cheer you on. Let them see you win. Probably to them your success is almost better than their own successes.

      1. Ellie*

        The only reason to earn money is to take care of people. If these folks have the means to assist you and they’ve offered, they mean it- it would seem like they have their priorities straight about money. Know that if you accept their offer and finish school, etc., you have a better chance at a job that will pay you in such a way as to support people yourself, whether that means your partner, dependents, your family, his family- heck, a local charity, whatever. Them putting their money out there to help you, an individual, right now, is going to help a lot of people going forward. (Also, my parents are always willing to help my partner in whatever ways they can- trust me, in addition to wanting to do right by helping other human beings, they also want their child to be happy, and since helping you will do that, well, it’s just a win-win.)

      2. Allypopx*

        I will, thanks! My boyfriend’s very supportive of this.

        I’m studying nonprofit management so hopefully I’ll spend my whole career paying it forward.

    6. Alexandra Duane*

      Sounds like your BF subscribes to one of my Dad’s favorite philosophies: “Money’s like fertilizer – doesn’t do any good unless you spread it around.”
      Although he used a more pungent term than “fertilizer”.

  32. nep*

    Anyone following events in Zimbabwe? I always wondered whether Mugabe would simply die in office or somehow be shoved aside. We’ll see how things unfold in the coming days.

    1. Akcipitrokulo*

      I didn’t e pext any change until after he died, so this was a surprise. No idea how it will play out.

      1. nep*

        Indeed.
        Thing is it sounds like an all-ZANU-PF operation — no role for the main opposition (that I’ve heard of as yet), rather wrangling for power among those inside the party that has held power since independence. We’ll see, though. That’s one thing I’ll be watching for — what the opposition’s role will be in all this. I’ve got to check out whether they’re making any statements. May this result in something positive for the people; I hope it won’t be elation over Mugabe leaving simply met by disappointment later.

    3. Ann O.*

      I’m following lightly. There’s a lot of instability in the world right now–the whole Middle East is just bizarre and probably scary if I knew more about it–so I don’t know what to make of any of it.

    4. nep*

      Just looking at photos from the Harare on the Guardian website. Person in one photo says: ‘Any change is good. Even if they take a drunk and put him in as president — even a cockroach.’

    5. Artemesia*

      One of the world’s great tragedies. Here is a man who had the opportunity and talent to do great good in the world and instead he chose to be a monster. Glad to see him go; no suffering is too much for him.

  33. Lavender Gooms*

    I’ve been having some health problems since February, and they don’t seem to be going away. It started with some viral illness and escalated into some weird stuff. At the point I’m at now, I feel like a stranger in my own body. It’s the weirdest fucking feeling, and I don’t know how to explain it. My arms and legs don’t feel like they belong to me. It’s worse when I’m standing or walking, like I’m going to collapse at any moment or lose the ability to walk, but I never do. My vision has been slowly degrading over the last nine months to the point where it’s now noticeably worse than it was before I got sick (at first, I thought I was just imagining it). I’ve got a checkup with an optometrist in two weeks. I also get these horrible headaches four or five times a week like a cinderblock is on top of my head. And the weirdest thing of all IMO is that whenever I get hot, even slightly overheated, I start feeling TERRIBLE–I get really dizzy, and my feeling that my arms/legs don’t belong to me gets a lot worse. I start feeling much better when I can sit down and have cool air blowing on me. I also don’t seem to sweat when I get hot anymore, but maybe I’m just imagining that too?

    I had a CT scan a couple of months ago and it came back normal. I want an MRI, but both family doctors I’ve seen tell me that it’s anxiety and one of them seems to regret even scheduling the CT scan. I’m worried that if I try to find another doctor they’ll accuse me of doctor shopping. I don’t know what to do. :(

    1. Colette*

      First of all, that sounds awful.

      Are you tracking how often all of these symptoms happen? Are some of them constant? Having a record can help doctors take weird stuff seriously.

      (Is it possible it’s something like Lyme disease? I think that can have some weird symptoms.)

      Is it possible there is an anxiety component? Can you see a therapist to get some coping techniques so that you can rule that out? That way you’re taking their opinion seriously which may also help get them to look harder. (It doesn’t sound like anxiety to me, so I assume this won’t work, bipartisanship if it does that’s great, right?)

      2. Lavender Gooms*

        Thanks for replying. The weird arms/legs feeling happens every time I get up and walk around. I’ll start keeping an actual written record though, and hopefully that will help. I appreciate the suggestion.

        I’m seeing a therapist for depression/anxiety, but she and I both think that those things are under control. She even asked if I wanted to start moving my appointments to a monthly schedule instead of every three weeks, even though I’m insisting (for now) that we hold them at the current schedule. It’s just bizarre–I’ve been dealing with MDD since I was 14, but NEVER had anxiety. I only started having panic attacks/anxiety after I got sick.

        Honestly, I’m HOPING that it’s anxiety. That would be a lot easier for me to swallow than some mysterious illness with a neurological effect. The problem is, no doctor I meet seems to be willing to help me rule out other things, they just insist that it’s anxiety and I need to relax and they ask me about my home/work stress levels. Sigh.

        1. fposte*

          Though if you’ve had CT scans, that’s pretty good for ruling out lots of other things. MRIs are expensive and insurance plans in the US these days are very limited in their coverage of them–they’re not used for simple exploratory in a non-emergency situation–and they’d be looking at a lot of the same things as a CT scan anyway.

          I am *so* not a doctor, but I wouldn’t go the MRI direction anyway right now if I wanted to explore a possible cause other than anxiety. You talk about a viral onset–I’d consider going either to a neurologist, since you’re talking about some neurological effects, or more likely an immunologist/rheumatologist, to see whether this might be something autoimmune that got kicked into action in February. That might mean simple blood tests for inflammation and other markers that would be easier to get insurance for. (I’m presuming you’ve at least been tested for hyperthyroidism–have you? If not, that should absolutely be on the docket, and that’s super-cheap.) I would also talk to whoever counts as your primary care to say okay, if this is anxiety, what intervention do you recommend beyond my current protocol, which my therapist says is enough? IOW, don’t let “anxiety” be an answer that translates to “not my problem.” You still want it better, and that’s why you’re at the doctor.

          One annoying thing about growing older is you become increasingly aware of how many medical symptom clusters really don’t have neat known causes and solutions, and that however much you–okay, I–like to know a root cause it’s not necessarily advantageous to undergo the medicalization necessary to find it, even assuming you could, which you can’t always. Which is a long way of saying that “We don’t know; try x” is perfectly legit medical care a lot of the time even if you want to know.

          2. Lavender Gooms*

            Thank you for your reply. My doctors have both been treating my anxiety like it isn’t their problem. I think that my primary doctor means well, but his solution was to throw meds at it, all of which make me feel worse. My grandmother has intense anxiety/depression, and every medication she’s tried has given her horrible side effects. He said that it’s probably just genetics and that I might be sensitive to these types of meds. :( The one thing I can take without intense side effects is Vistaril (hydroxyzine, an antihistamine) for panic attacks. Fortunately, I haven’t had a panic attack in months now, so I haven’t needed it.

            I’m glad that I’m not the only one who likes to know a root cause. :) I’m only 25 and before this all happened I was very healthy, so it’s more than a little scary to know that doctors don’t always know what’s causing your problems.

            (Oh, and yes, I have been tested for hyperthyroidism. That was one of the first things I was tested for when I started displaying symptoms.)

            1. fposte*

              A lot of times what they can do is make sure you’re not dying now and whatever it is isn’t likely to kill you any time soon, but beyond that just isn’t something medicine always offers. The human body is incredibly intricate and scans and tests are very limited and focused tools that only answer a very few specific questions.

              It’s really frustrating not to feel well, and I’d encourage you to look further. But I also think it’s possible that your doctors are doing a reasonable job here–they’ve tested you for hyperthyroidism, they’ve done a CAT scan, they’re prescribing medications for anxiety/depression. That’s pretty much what they should be doing–treating the likeliest thing to see if it helps, doing the first-line low-risk tests to check on the most common problems. It’s a slow process if you’re the patient who wants an answer, but that doesn’t mean it’s being handled incorrectly (not saying it *is* being handled correctly, just that for non-fatal, generalized ambiguous symptoms, this is how it tends to go). I do think that moving on to a specialist to ask about the immune/neurological stuff is a good move at this point because they’ll have more experience with relevant presentations; I would call the primary care office and ask if you need to have a referral, and if so could you get one please.

              1. fposte*

                Okay, I see below you’ve also had a fair bit of cardiac tests, too. So it really doesn’t sound like this is being underinvestigated or not taken seriously–they’re just checking things out in the usual order.

      3. NaoNao*

        I don’t want to panic you or make you feel terrible, but I was reading an article about Second Life and a woman described very similar symptoms (clumsy, unattached legs/arms and tingling hotness and faintness, etc) and she had M.S. :(
        I’d keep a journal and describe the intensity of the symptoms, and any potential triggers.
        Some could be unrelated, some could be serious.
        If it’s possible for you, cutting way down on processed foods might lower symptoms, as sugar/carbs has been shown to increase inflammation, which is responsible for many ailments.
        (I say this eating crackers right now, so I’m not a low-carb person!)

          1. NeverNicky*

            I thought MS too (as I have it, the symptoms sounded familiar) and an MRI scan would absolutely confirm whether it is or isn’t as the damage shows up very clearly.

            If an MRI isn’t currently feasible, this collection of symptoms could also be many other things so it is generally a question of elimination so maybe start with the cheaper tests/most likely conditions first?

        2. Not that kind of doctor*

          On the other hand, a family member of mine had symptoms like this, and the diagnosis was Lyme disease. A month or so after she finished her antibiotics, she was back to normal. Hope you recover from whatever it is quickly.

      4. Cristina in England*

        Seconding ruling out Lyme disease, which two of my friends struggled with for over a year each (I think in one case it was more like 5 years) because their doctors didn’t figure it out.

    2. Turtlewings*

      I dimly remember reading about a case study of a woman who somehow lost the sense of where her body was, the sense that makes it possible to move your foot without looking at it. We don’t even think of that as a sense, it’s so engrained, but apparently it can be lost or damaged, just like your sight or hearing or sense of balance. Do you think that could be what you’re experiencing??

      I feel like whatever’s going on is surely taking place in your brain. Maybe you should go see a neurologist. Anxiety is awful to deal with and can manifest in weird ways, but none of these symptoms are typical for anxiety, I don’t know why that would be anyone’s first (and apparently final) thought. I mean, your eyesight worsening?? That makes no sense for anxiety, but plenty of sense if, say, there’s a tumor pressing on your optical nerve. I would really, really encourage you to keep pushing back against the people trying to tell you it’s nothing. Way too many people die because doctors are lazy or incompetent and tell them it’s nothing.

    3. Book Lover*

      Soooo…. Definitely see an eye doctor, and by that I mean an ophthalmologist, not an optometrist. I would also pleasantly ask your pcp for a referral to a good neurologist and ask about the possibility of post viral autonomic neuropathy. The other thing tha comes to mind is a post viral syndrome that hopefully will not turn into chronic fatigue syndrome.
      (Disclaimer, I am not your MD and I would recommend you find a good one and trust him/her)

    4. LilySparrow*

      This is going to sound stupid, but your symptoms sound like the way I feel when I’m dehydrated, or the aura when I’m getting a migraine (which are sometimes related).

      Maybe ask your doc next time about circulation & fluid balance?

      1. Lavender Gooms*

        Thank you for replying. I actually have trouble with my blood pressure (too low!). One of my doctors was really surprised because it’s gotten as low as 90/55 without me even realizing it, and according to my past medical charts/doctor visits, it’s always been very normal. He has me on an increased sodium diet and drinking at least 3 liters of water a day. I’m VERY careful to not get dehydrated because you’re right, it makes me feel worse.

        (As a note, my heart has also been checked out with an echo, an adenosine nuclear stress test, Holter monitors, etc. It’s completely fine. Taking a stress test at 25 wasn’t something I would’ve thought I’d ever have to do, though!)

    5. misspiggy*

      This does not sound like anxiety to me (source: lifetime of being told I was mentally ill, turns out I’m physically ill)). Postviral problems, such as Lyme, chronic fatigue syndrome or mast cell activation disorder, can bring on symptoms like this. If that were the case, it would be more of a nervous system snd immune system problem. So you’d want to see immunologists/ endocrinologists. MCAS can be easily diagnosed and treated by the right specialist, so you could start there.

      As your efforts at diagnosis continue, it will help if you treat yourself as someone with post viral CFS. Because if it does turn out to be that, you’ll have done all you can to stop it – and if it doesn’t, you’ll still have helped your system cope with whatever it is.

      So lots of rest, interspersed with a variety of small activities. Exercise every few hours, but only to the point where you feel more refreshed and perky, not where you feel you’re pushing through. No feeling the burn! And if you’re not feeling refreshed after a few minutes of exercise, dial the level of activity right down. By exercise I mean anything from loading the dishwasher to doing stretches, to going for a walk or a run. Nothing major.

      Take things that stress the digestion out out of your diet for a bit. Monitor what kinds of foods leave you tired, hurting or otherwise unwell, and stop eating them if you can. But reducing gluten and dairy might be a good idea anyway.

      Lots of fluid, plenty of salt, plenty of protein and plenty of ‘good fats’ are usually helpful as well.

      Sorry for the essay, and I hope things improve soon.

    6. C*

      The worse when you are standing, dizziness, starting after a viral illness, worse when you are hot make me wonder if you could have a form of Dysautonomia. Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) more specifically. Dysautonomia International is a website/Organization with a lot of good/reputable info. And many people with POTS are told it is in their head.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, that’s a really interesting notion, especially since she’s also mentioned really low blood pressure. I’d definitely want to explore that one.

    7. Observer*

      So doctor shop. What kind of idiot tells you that your vision is going because of anxiety?! And if that’s what they really think it is, why haven’t they prescribed something for it?!?!?!?

      Actually, you need to find an ophthalmologist ASAP. And it might not hurt to see a neurologist.

    8. ..Kat..*

      As a nurse who has seen some weird things, I recommend getting a consult with a neurologist and/or a neuropsychologist. I am sorry you are going through this. Good luck.

  34. AnonToday*

    I just need to vent a little.

    It is so hard to watch someone you care about repeatedly tie themselves to horrible partners. I have a friend who got divorced from her terrible husband about six months ago – we were all relieved – the guy was verbally abusive and a complete man baby – he played video games all day while she worked and never held down a job for more than a month. He didn’t do anything around the house or make dinner or anything at all.

    But, what does my friend do? Find another man baby – except this one is more than 30 years older. She just dropped on us that she added him to her bank account and cosigned a loan with him so he could buy a car. She’s been dating him for maybe 7 months? Just, why? Why would someone who is smart and pretty and holds down a good job repeatedly go after such total and complete leeches? This behavior from men isn’t normal – how does she manage to find these guys?

    She got extremely angry when we told her getting engaged to first guy after three months was a bad idea, so I don’t think an intervention would work. It’s just sad. I know she probably needs help, but this new guy is just so unpleasant to be around (and she insists on bringing him everywhere but he’s a raging misogynist) that honestly I’m starting to just cut her off. I don’t think there’s anything I could do at all.

    I don’t think there’s anything I can do, but I needed to vent somewhere.

    1. kas*

      Your friend sounds like my friend except she’s still with the guy and they’re not married.

      It’s frustrating to hear her vent about him all the time. She knows how I feel about their relationship. He doesn’t work and stays in the house all day. She pays for everything and drives him everywhere. He’s a nice guy but I don’t know how she’s not turned off by him.

      1. fposte*

        It doesn’t get any more fun to be the friend when she can’t stand him and they’re still together anyway :-(.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          A friend and I sat with another friend and begged her not to marry her then-boyfriend. She had spent our entire brunch complaining about him, crying about him, telling us how angry she was because he was so disrespectful. They got engaged the next weekend. It’s been about 5 years since then, and it still sucks.

      2. AnonToday*

        It was so frustrating. For a couple brief months when she left crappy ex husband, it was like she’d become herself again. She was taking up her hobbies she had given up and she felt freer.

        Then she takes up with new guy, and she’s back to this “I can’t afford [hobby] I have to support new dumb boyfriend”.

    2. NaoNao*

      Ugh, I feel you.
      My diagnosis is these men make her feel needed and wanted and competent. There is a reason that successful Type A women find baby men. On some level, this is the math:
      “I’m not enough to be loved just for me. I must offer a man money, caretaking, and mothering.”
      “A man who is capable and competent doesn’t need my mothering. He won’t love me and if he does somehow fall for me, he’ll leave me.”
      “In order to be loved, I must find a man who needs what I’m selling: mothering, money, and care. Oh, look, there he is!”
      Also, people tend to choose the familiar even when it’s bad for them. Because it’s familiar.

      1. Artemesia*

        yeah. This is a deeply neurotic behavior and it won’t change unless she gets therapy and successfully finds her balanced self. I don’t understand women who put up with deeply unequal relationships either. A man who was dependent but who really pulled the oar at home is one thing, but the guy who wants to be ‘the man’ when it comes to traditional household tasks and then ‘the manbaby’ when it comes to earning a living. Well a woman who falls for that has to hate herself on some level.

      2. neverjaunty*

        Well, and also there’s the problem that if you’re a Type A woman, you tend to attract the sort of man who sees her as a challenge. A guy who isn’t controlling/threatened by that can be very attractive, and sometimes the man-babies don’t show their full dysfunction until they’re settled into a relationship.

        1. NaoNao*

          So, so true. If I had a nickel for every man who saw my intelligence and education as a “challenge” I’d be rich. It’s not cute, attractive or fun.
          I used to be the type of woman who routinely got involved with babymen, and for that reason. I found them easy to get along with and they didn’t constantly argue, battle me, challenge me, or contradict, talk down to, mansplain and condescend to me.
          The thing is, the relationship’s not always as “unequal” as it looks. Babymen may not be mowing the lawn or doing chores, or bringing home a paycheck. But they are:
          Giving a nervous, anxious, overthinker and overachiever a sense of peace in her own home
          Making her feel needed, in control, and indispensable
          Making her feel like she’s “one up” on him (she’s got a job, she’s got her stuff together)
          Providing a safe haven from judgement–after all, how can a couch surfer with a drop-out level education judge her?
          Giving her an outlet for maternal and nurturing feelings without having to care for an actual child
          Giving her a sense of rightness and familiarity: if her own mother rolled her eyes at her irresponsible dad, she may feel this is “how it is”. It is hard to go against all of society, which generally portrays all men as either brutes and cavemen, 007 type Alpha Males, or childish layabouts who avoid commitment and responsibility at all costs.
          Giving her something to focus her attention on besides herself and her own issues, problems, and self-loathing or trauma
          Creating constant drama and crisis; making her feel needed, alive, and fulfilled.

    3. Turtlewings*

      If you want to still remain her friend, I think you have every right to set up hangouts with just her where her man-baby is not invited (and if he shows up anyway, you leave). Tell her she has the right to pick her own boyfriend, and you have the right to pick your own friends, and he ain’t on the list.

    4. neverjaunty*

      You don’t have to tolerate him.

      She knows he’s an ass and she’s inflicting him on y’all rather than face up to that. Not much of a friend, if you ask me.

  35. Ermintrude Mulholland*

    I come seeking advice on how to keep a positive mental state after dark.
    I’ve just recently had a baby and it has brought back something I had forgotten about – once the dark falls, and especially when I am facing a night of poor sleep, I just absolutely cannot cope with things. Troubles become magnified, any negative feelings or fears I have become immense and leave me feeling miserable, panicky, overwhelmed.
    It’s a horrible cycle and I was hoping people might have some ideas on how to help this not happen.

    1. My Cat Posted This For Me*

      I’m so sorry. I was like this from childhood. For me going to bed was the trigger. I’d lie awake agonizing about things I’d done wrong.

      My suggestions all boil down to diagnosis, therapy and medication. You may have anxiety, depression or both, and it may be due to seasonal affective disorder, being postpartum, or maybe you just have anxiety for no specific reason. CBT therapy is good for anxiety. There are good anxiety meds too. Wellbutrin has taken care of 95% of my winter depression and anxiety symptoms (I get both very badly) with minimal side effects. It’s been a miracle. I’m 51 and finally feel normal. Starting symptom free winter number 2!

      Good luck. You’re not alone in this. I’m rooting for you!

    2. Look What You Made Me Do*

      This sounds like something it would be worth talking to a doctor/therapist about. Totally agree with MCPTFM’s comment.

    3. nep*

      Sorry you’re having to face this.
      I need to be listening to something when I drift off to sleep — something that will help keep my mind from going down the dark hole of worry. It’s gotten really bad since we began helping raise my grand-niece. I never had children; this one completely owns my heart and I’m ill at ease when I think about her but especially at night.

      1. nep*

        (I really dread the moment I’ve got to lie in bed — and that sucks, because sleep is the best medicine and it should be a peaceful, happy moment.)

    4. Friday*

      Definitely tell your OB. Postpartum time is a mind trip in so many ways, because our hormones are all out of balance from pregnancy and of course, sleep deprivation never helps. A compassionate care plan of therapy and/or medication could help you through this time. Best of luck to you.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      What others have said and adding:

      Have your vitamin D levels checked.

      Build plans of what you will do when night comes. True, it’s very challenging to keep trying different things looking for something to work, but use daylight hours as your space to figure out what you will try this week. The subtly here is that this is you taking care of you. It’s an affirmation in action. There is a strong connection between our willingness to help ourselves and our state of mind. Most likely a good result will be when you find something that seems to help a tiny bit. So keep that thing and add another thing.

      I was told this growing up and I have used it many times: Things always look worse at night. When morning comes things can look better. So I would tell myself, I will think about this in the morning. This is my time out from all that worry. I had to do this for a while before it finally sunk in to my thick skull.

      Address smaller worries as often as possible. Picture a wheelbarrow full of worries. It gets to the point where we can’t pack anything more in that wheelbarrow. Address the smaller things as best you can. This is part of taking back your power that somehow gets lost each night. Take care of what you can reasonably take care of each day.

      For me I like prayer and positive mental imagery. Not everyone does prayer. And I can tell you that there have been times where getting that positive mental image “on screen” has been hard-hard. The upshot of it all for me was the most important part was to TRY. Trying was more important than being successful.

    6. Jillociraptor*

      I’m sorry this is happening to you. I also struggle with nighttimes, and like nep, it helps me to have some background noise while I’m falling asleep (TV, podcast, etc.)

      Another thing that has helped at times is to write down all of my worries so I can assess them in the morning. There’s something about having to actually articulate, in writing, what I’m worrying about that helps me to acknowledge that either it’s not a real problem, or it’s an eminently solvable problem that I can tackle in the morning.

      Congratulations on your new baby! I hope you are doing better very soon.

    7. Not That Jane*

      I’m not sure I have advice, but I can definitely say you’re not alone. For various reasons, I had post partum anxiety, and asked for a referral to a psychiatrist who put me on Zoloft. But I definitely remember my hubby taking our daughter out for a little walk when she was about a week old: I cowered in the bathroom in terror until they both came back safely. The world was just so huge, and this precious person was so tiny, and life seemed so fragile… I don’t know. It was tough.

      Exercise helps me quiet the brain weasels… the Zoloft also seems to help… and I, as a fairly rational/scientific minded person, find it helpful to remind myself about the physiological and chemical mechanisms of my anxiety. I can kind of be like, “Hey, my brain is doing that thing again, where it repeatedly plays 5-second horror movies of everyone I love being gruesomely murdered. Thanks a lot, brain. I guess you’re just trying to help me spot dangers in my environment, but like, can you chill out? You’re kind of overdoing it.”

    8. Gertrude*

      I also want to jump on this with an idea of light therapy.. In addition to medicine, therapy, cat naps when possible, and your flavor of self-care, I’d add this to the mix. I have insomnia in addition to lovely mental illness, so it’s super important that I found a way to cope as best I can. If you can invest in a light box (usually around $30-$40) it can help give your brain the same benefit as being outside in the light. I got in the routine of using it in the morning when I’d wake up and be getting ready. I’d just sit the light box on the counter and get in 20 minutes in the morning. It’s made a great difference! Something easy and inexpensive to try as you’re figuring this out.

      Also, I take naps in my car during lunch. That helps more than I care to let on haha.

  36. My Cat Posted This For Me*

    Does anyone in the US have experience with buying short term health insurance? I suppose this could sound work related but since I’m furious with my husband I’d like to classify it firmly in personal/non-work. :(

    Husband blew through deadline to get health insurance when he converted from grad student to postdoc. Then through the deadline to be added to my staff insurance at the same university based on a qualifying event. Now it sounds like COBRA isn’t an option. We need to cover him to the end of the year. Thank God it’s open enrollment until Tuesday!!!

    It’s hard to get him to see a doctor so I’m not worried about him wanting to go in for checkups. I want coverage in case he’s hit by a car etc. so we don’t rack up medical bills that will make us lose our house. Some reading online suggests this is a thing and affordable and rarely ACA compliant. It all looks a bit shady though so any tips appreciated.

    And not to derail my own question but if you also are frustrated that you take care of all bill paying and cooking and most of the housework and are just getting really pissed about it I wouldn’t mind a solidarity shoutout. I mean…he had this one financial thing to deal with. One thing!! And he wouldn’t deal. And I’m so overwhelmed by the stress of managing all the other things.

    1. fposte*

      I’m linking in my name to a current thread on a financial forum with some discussion of the issue that might be helpful. You’ll have to sort through a few digressions but there are some providers named and links to discussion of issues that might all be useful.

    2. the gold digger*

      Also – talk to your insurance agent. She should be able to name some reputable companies for you. There used to be (late 90s) good short-term policies out there. They didn’t cover existing conditions, but were for what you named – accidents and new conditions.

      You have probably already done this, but if not, double check the COBRA deadline. It used to be (again, it has been years since I looked into this kind of thing) that you had 60 days after you were terminated to pick up COBRA.

      I would also be furious! I am in total solidarity – going without health insurance in the US is very unwise.

    3. lovetoujours*

      I’ve gotten it before when I switched jobs (I believe it was through Aetna). It wasn’t that hard – I got a very basic plan since I only needed it a month and when it turned out my insurance started earlier then expected, they easily let me cancel it.

      I went to the major insurance companies and search for plans that were ACA compliant and from what I recall, it was relatively easy.

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      Solitary shouter-outer waving at you from over here. DH is a good, solid, smart, and funny person with wonderful values and not-so-divine domestic habits. (I of course am flawlessly, endlessly organized, punctual, and tidy. If you believe that, please come to my marketing event about waterfront property.)

      tl;dr: It’s hard to be a human being, or live with another one.

    5. Rainy*

      In re frustration about being the one who does 100% of the household and emotional logistics and labour–that was me with my first husband. It sucks. He had tiny things to do and wouldn’t do them and it would fuck up our finances. He did nothing around the house–I did all the cooking, cleaning, everything, and worked and went to school.

      My fiance, on the other hand, is fantastic. It makes a huge fucking difference to be teammates with your partner rather than treated like their servant.

    7. Free Meerkats*

      Waves from the Great Northwet.

      I’m the one who works a full time job, does 90% of the shopping (I refuse to go into Whole Foods, so if it’s something she wants that’s not available where I shop, she has to get it), all the cooking, all the bill paying, cat box cleaning, etc. She’s on Disability for depression and anxiety disorder and does light housecleaning and most of the laundry.

      And somehow, we’re still married…

  37. what's my name again?*

    Anybody here watch the 2017 Jeopardy Tournament of Champions? What an awesome finish to, as Alex Trebek said, “the most fun” tournament ever! I have to agree with him. I would have been happy with any one of the finalists winning but the ending was truly amazing.
    (For those who haven’t seen it, it is on Youtube.)
    Also, a nice tribute to the poor woman who earned over $100,000 in the regular season but passed away from cancer before her shows aired. May she rest in peace. (The Tournament of Champions contestants all wore ribbons in her memory.)

    1. MsChanandlerBong*

      I did not see it. That’s the one thing I hate about not having cable. I don’t miss the big bill, but I do miss being able to watch Jeopardy! We have an antenna, but ABC and NBC are not available (with the antenna, we get Fox, Escape TV, Ion, and about 50 religious and Spanish-language channels, but no ABC, CBS, or NBC). We also have Sling TV, but ABC and NBC are not available via Sling, either.

  38. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    Headed to Chicago for the weekend and seeing Hamilton! Then to in laws for Thanksgiving.

    Also, confession time: I really don’t want my MIL to ride in my car. It’s the first new to me one I’ve had, and I keep it clean. I also have weird allergies to many things.

    MIL is a good and nice person, but lives with three dogs in a house she doesn’t clean very much and that has mold problems. So she kind of smells like…mold and dog. I don’t want to deal with getting those allergens out of my car.

    1. Anono-me*

      Allergies are terrible and I get wanting to avoid known allergens. But I think this might be a situation where not upsetting your mother-in-law and your spouse might be the better choice for you.

      Two things that might help a little bit. First, before you go on your trip, put down some nice towels on all the car seats and backs. When you get home, take them to the house in a grocery bag and throw them in the wash for a double cycle.
      Two, while you are there, is there anything you and your spouse can do to help your mother-in-law address the mold issues?

      Have a good trip.

      1. Anono-me*

        I appologize. In my answer I assumed, that your allergies were of the miserable variety, not the trip to the ER variety. Because why would we even need to talk about anyone knowing exposeing someone else to a known life threatening alergy, especially while the allergic person is driving them in a car?! (I don’t always remember that sometimes people are sitcom stupid in real life. )

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Another idea: can you rent a car or borrow one from another family member? Allergens can be tenacious. In the long run it might be cheaper to spend money or use up your favors.

    3. Cristina in England*

      Why does your MIL have to ride in your car? I have very sensitive dog allergies and I am pretty upfront with people about avoiding places where dogs have been, approaching it as a “hey I will break out in a rash if I do that so what else could we do instead?” type of thing.

    4. MsChanandlerBong*

      I have a similar problem with my MIL. I love her to death, but no matter how many times I mention that I have reactive airway disease and my throat starts to close up when I smell strong scents, she still insists on wearing perfume whenever we go out. She’s someone who would be *extremely* offended if I specifically asked her not to wear perfume around me, so I’ve been hoping that rolling down the window every time she gets in the car would be enough of a hint. It’s not. And the worst part is that the perfume clings to our cloth seats, so I can still smell it four or five days after we go somewhere together.

      1. ValaMalDoran*

        *sputters* Offended? For asking her not to do something that makes your throat close up?! That…is insane. I cannot wear perfume around my niece, due to her allergies, and I am happy to do that. Since I want her to be able to breathe. That’s only basic decency.

        Has your spouse asked your MIL not to wear perfume around you?

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          Yep, offended. Even if I said, “I just love the scent, but unfortunately, whatever is in it makes me cough and feel like I can’t breathe,” I can just see the look on her face.

          1. misspiggy*

            It might be time for your fiancé to take her aside and say, ‘Actually, MsChanandlerBong has been understating this. Her throat does close up when you wear perfume around her, and the more it happens the more likely she is to stop breathing. I can’t bear the thought of her dying or being hospitalised like that. Can you not wear perfume when you’re with us?’

            When people don’t want to do something, they often need it put in very clear language. And that’s your fiancé’s job. But if she is a nice person, she’ll make the change when it’s spelled out to her.

  39. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

    My husband and I gave up our fourth child for adoption. I got pregnant and we knew that we just couldn’t handle having four children financially or emotionally, and after some deliberation of our choices we decided to give the child for adoption to a couple we knew who had been trying to have a baby for 10 years. We didn’t want to confuse or upset our older kids so we told them that we were the couple’s surrogate, and that’s also what we told people we didn’t know well who commented/asked about my pregnancy. The baby is over a year old now and we became very close friends with the parents and everything is open and we see them and the child about once a month in person and of course we see all the pictures they share online. They are thrilled and this child will be well cared for.

    When we first told our family members what we were going to do, a few of them reacted pretty viciously. I’ve always felt deep down that people who found out what we were really doing (giving up our fourth child, not being a surrogate) would judge us really harshly, because you just don’t hear of people doing this? I feel like it’s very atypical as far as adoption stories go.

    I’d really like to know, what do you think about our choice? What questions would you have for us?

    1. fposte*

      What a story; wow. It does illustrate some of the underlying assumptions about adoption, doesn’t it?

      As an adoptee myself and a believer in open adoption, I’m curious about the decision on the “cover story” with your kids. Did you consult with therapists or anybody about this, and do you have a plan to tell them the truth later?

      1. fposte*

        P.S. I should have said; the actual choice seems perfectly reasonable to me. It’s kind of an older model we don’t hear about so much these days, but versions of it exist in informal kinship adoption all the time.

        1. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

          That’s a tough one for me. The baby will know she’s adopted and she’ll know we’re her birth family – it’s all open and won’t be a secret. If she ever asks why we gave her up, all I can say is some version of “We knew we couldn’t give you the life you deserved so we chose someone we knew would love you just as much as us who could also give you a good life.”

          1. Turtlewings*

            Another note to possibly include in the conversation is the fact that you already had several children and the adopted parents had none, so you wanted to help them. I feel like that helps dodge “they didn’t want me” feelings.

            1. fposte*

              Can’t speak for all adoptees, but that suggests a prioritization I’d question–helping them was really more important than keeping me?

              1. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

                That’s the part I worry about. The part where she thinks were “okay” with giving her up but not the other three, so she must have meant less to us.

                1. fposte*

                  Yes, I can understand worrying about that. The short version is that I think that that if she’s loved and well taken care of she’ll probably work through that.

                  The longer version, and I hope I’m saying this usefully–I’m somebody who’s absolutely okay with her own adoption and with the choice you made–is that I think that you can’t control the narrative into something that has no possibility of hurt. She gets to make that inference, and while it’s not right, it’s also not completely wrong–she does matter to you in a different way than the other children. And I think that’s okay–whether as a birth parent or a care parent, your job is not simply to make sure the child is never, ever hurt, but to make harder choices than that. She doesn’t have to love you for that choice or at all for it to have been the right choice to make for everybody.

              2. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

                It’s not showing me that I can reply to your latest comment, I guess the nesting has run out?

                For your comment about controlling the adoption narrative – thank you for your perspective. You are right that it won’t be possible to avoid any and all hurt around the situation and that she would be perfectly within her rights to feel upset about it and even decide that she has no desire to have a relationship with us. I hope that doesn’t happen, but that is a possibility and we will accept that if that’s what she wants.

                My husband is also adopted and has always said he’s glad that he was and has no desire to try to find his birth family. It’s helpful to hear stories that are different from the narrative that is usually presented when dealing with adoption on TV shows or in fiction books.

                1. fposte*

                  Yeah, there’s a nesting limit. Yes, adoption is a much more variable and usually less dramatic experience than fiction would have you believe :-). One reason I mentioned a therapist is that a lot of this discourse has some good established practice around it with actual adoptees and a variety of experiences that you might, at some point, want to look into–online support groups could be something else to consider if there’s interest. Sometimes it’s useful to discover that somebody else has invented that wheel so you don’t have to.

                  I’m grateful to you for sharing your experience, and I hope you and everyone in your family in every definition have much joy.

      3. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

        We did not consult with therapists, no. I’m totally open to getting them future counseling if they feel like they need it. We told them that I was their surrogate and that the couple needed my egg to have a baby (they already know sperm and egg make baby, just not the mechanics of how it actually happens) to help explain why the baby looks like them, because our children are very, very similar-looking. The adopted baby is almost a carbon copy of what our oldest looked like as a baby.

        Our plan is to tell them the full story when we think they’re old enough to understand, or if they asked us point-blank. They see all the pictures of the baby and have gotten to spend time with her as well. They’re always excited to see her.

        1. Kj*

          The problem with that approach is that, by that time, it is a family secret. I admire what you did. But I am nervous about your decision to keep it a secret from your kids and the adopted child. If they know now, they will incorporate the story of this into their life- if you wait, it will be a shock to their system and they may resent you keeping it a secret for so long. I think your strategy of not telling them may backfire, but that is your choice to make.

          1. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

            But they know? They know she’s adopted and they know that because they “needed” my egg, she’s biologically related to them. We’ve talked about how she’s like their half-siblings except she has two different parents instead of one. We just didn’t say, “Hey, oops, we got pregnant so we’re giving away your baby sister.” They’re too young to hear it that way. Nothing is a secret from the adopted child. She’s not old enough to understand yet but her being adopted and us being her birth family will not be a secret.

    2. CityMouse*

      I want to preface this with – what you did was a deeply personal choice and I think the only people who have any kind of right to an opinion are you and your spouse. No one has the right to judge you.

      That being said, it sounds like you turned what could have been a really tough situation into something that worked out best for everybody. Your family would have suffered if you had a kid you couldn’t handle. You helped out people who wanted a child. You did a very kind thing.

    3. Kathenus*

      I commend you for making a very thoughtful choice, and having the needs of the child be the driving factor. I’m sure some may have strong feelings in various directions on this, but I support what you did. I think the proximity is an interesting dynamic, which may add a different dimension as they child gets older. But in a world with 7+ billion people overall and so many that are not cared for properly, your decision to try and objectively make the best decision for the baby and older children is a courageous one and I applaud your willingness to make it.

      1. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

        Thank you. Seeing how happy her parents are and how much they love her has really been the best part of this.

    4. Zathras*

      This sounds like a wonderful, caring thing to have done for both your existing family, the other couple, and the baby.

    5. Turtlewings*

      It is certainly atypical, and for whatever reason this is the kind of topic where people react really strongly to anything out of the ordinary. I’m so sorry people have been vicious to you about it. You took a situation that was negative for your family and made it into a wonderful positive for another family. You took a child that was unwanted and couldn’t be properly cared for in one place, and made sure she was raised in a place where she WAS wanted and cared for. This is a win for everybody involved.

      I think your surrogacy cover story is pretty brilliant and while I generally think truth is better, in this case I do recommend sticking with it and not telling further people the truth. You and your husband are the only ones truly entitled to know, anyway. (Maybe the children when they’re grown.) And after all, you essentially WERE a surrogate — not in the medical sense, but in the sense that you carried a child knowing that child was intended for the other couple, not for your family.

      I’m sure it was very hard to deal with this, and honestly I applaud you for making such a good outcome for everyone, instead of keeping the child just because you were expected to.

      1. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

        Thank you. Yes, it was very early in the pregnancy when we decided this, so it was a lot like it had been a surrogacy all along.

      2. Zathras*

        There are some good reasons for all 4 kids to know the full truth about their genetic heritage – family medical history, likelihood of matching if someone needs a kidney or liver or whatever someday, etc.

        But yeah, I don’t really see that it’s anyone else’s business whether you arranged to do this for the other couple and then deliberately got pregnant with that as the goal, vs. getting pregnant by accident and then making the decision/offer. That’s not relevant or even useful information for anyone else – including the kids, although it’s totally up to you and the other couple how to manage that. It’s not at all wrong to tell them, but I also think it would be entirely reasonable for you to decide that it’s best to tell them the whole thing was arranged beforehand.

        1. Melody Pond*

          This was actually my exact thought.

          Is it really anyone’s business but yours and your spouse’s, as to how the pregnancy came about? Because you did intentionally decide to have the baby, to be able to give a child to a couple you knew had been struggling.

          “We decided to have you/this baby, so that our friends X and Y could have a child, because they’d wanted a child very badly, and we were able to do this for them. We were really happy to bring you/this child into the world and into their life.”

          Done. That’s it. No more information or context needed.

          I mean… unfortunately, it sounds like that ship may have already sailed, with respect to a couple of your family members, if I’m reading that right? Did the family members know that the pregnancy was accidental, but the carrying to term and giving up for adoption was intentional? Or did they just know that the pregnancy existed in general, and that you gave the child to the other couple for adoption?

          1. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

            We told everyone in the family the truth – that we were pregnant but we knew we couldn’t handle another child and we had some friends who wanted to adopt the baby. They all know our financial situation isn’t great. It’s improved since the adoption happened, but we’re still pretty poor.

            The people who reacted badly seemed to be hung up on the idea that we were irresponsible to get pregnant in the first place (maybe so, but nothing we could have done about it at that point) and also that we were going to regret giving the baby up and our family would be destroyed by this decision. One person in particular was mad we didn’t think of giving the baby to them with the idea that we would take her back when we were financially able. I think that would have been much harder and more confusing for us and the baby. We needed the finality of “She is your daughter now and we will not be taking her back no matter what happens in the future.”

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Oh these people make me growl.

              Irresponsible to get pregnant in the first place: Tell them this story is not about them and it’s not about what they think.

              Going to regret giving up the baby: Yep, it’s possible that could happen. Very few people go through life without any regrets. You can give this person that reality check.

              Your family would be destroyed by this decision. I think that says more about the speaker’s setting than your own. Different people handle things differently. Granted, families have fallen apart for smaller problems. Your family could fall apart over a different matter, why the singular focus?

              The thing that slays me in all this is the LACK of support. None of the comments do anything to support you as a family who has faced a tough decision. Why are these people so invested in taking a baseball bat to your knees. It is almost as if they are enjoying your potential failure. why.

    6. Christy*

      How did it feel to carry a child you knew you wouldn’t be raising? And that you weren’t carrying as a part of a paid surrogacy—that is, that you did as an emotional decision rather than a economic decision. That’s the part that makes it so remarkable to me.

      I feel like this is a tricky question to ask, so apologies for that. But would you have made a different decision if you didn’t have the friends who had struggled to get pregnant? What was your second-most preferred option? Stranger adoption, abortion, raising the child yourself?

      1. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

        It didn’t feel much different than my other pregnancies. I’ve never really been the type of person who bonds deeply with a baby before it’s born. That always comes after they’re born and are really “real.” The hardest part of the entire thing was leaving the hospital without the baby. I was at peace with our decision through the pregnancy. The adoptive parents/family were there for the birth and took the baby to their own room after she was born. They were so happy and I was happy for them. Then when the day came that it was time to go home, we went to say goodbye and someone started telling me how brave I was and I just started crying and didn’t really stop until we got home. I still cry when I think about that part of it – the actual leaving without her. That was hard. But I’m still very happy with our decision and have never wished we didn’t do it.

        Originally I wanted to have an abortion, but we couldn’t afford it. Before this happened, I would have thought there was no way I could give up a child for adoption. I thought it would be too hard. But this time was just the perfect storm of circumstances. Our third child was barely a year old when I got pregnant again and I had wanted to get my tubes tied after that birth – it didn’t happen because of circumstances surrounding the hospital and our insurance.

        1. Book Lover*

          I think what you did was quite wonderful, and as everyone wants what’s best for the child, I think it will turn out just fine.

          But I am so very sad that it happened because of the failures of our medical/insurance system. You shouldn’t have to get pregnant if you don’t want to and you shouldn’t have to carry a baby to term if you don’t want to.

          As it is, you have made another family very happy, and anyone who doesn’t recognize that you made a brave and rational decision to benefit your whole family and another isn’t worth worrying about.

        2. Christy*

          I am so, so sorry that you weren’t able to afford an abortion. How awful that your only choice, really, was to carry that baby one way or another.

          I’m glad it worked it out for you, and you seem like a very strong person.

        3. AcademiaNut*

          Giving a child up for adoption because you can’t raise them properly yourself is a sensible decision whether you’re a single 17 year old or a married mother of three. What you did is not actually all that uncommon, historically. I know one woman who was raised by her biological aunt – she was a younger child of a big family, her parents couldn’t afford to raise her, and the aunt couldn’t have children of her own.

          And if it helps – I did some calculations regarding birth control and accidental pregnancies, out of curiosity, and the chances of a surprise baby when using birth control at some point in a woman’s life are a lot higher than most people realize. A couple percent chance per year (the typical failure rate of the pill) can add up to a 50% chance of an accidental pregnancy over a reproductive life span.

          What might be a good idea is to have a consultation with a counsellor who specializes in family stuff. Both to talk over how to tell the full truth to your own kids, and to figure out how to handle it if (or when), they find out the details from someone other than you. With the rest of your family knowing the truth, and some of them disagreeing with your decision, this is a definite possibility.

          1. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

            Yes, I’ve seen those statistics about the likely failure rate of many types of birth control over ten years of use. I know people who have become pregnant while using the implant birth control and eight months after getting their tubes tied! It happens.

            A counselor will probably be a good idea in the future. I’ll see what I can do about that.

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      City Mouse, Kathenus, Zathrus, and OP–

      Must be dust in my apartment. Wow. May everyone involved in this always live surrounded by so much love and courage.

    8. Fake old Converse shoes*

      I know it’s a tough decision, but if the baby it’s in a better situation with the adoptive family than with you, it’s much better. I wish more people were capable to do what you did.

    9. Foreign Octopus*

      Wow. This is a story and a half. It’s certainly not an aspect of adoption that’s ever talked about, at least not that I’m aware of.

      I’m sorry that some people around you reacted the way they did. I can understand their point of view, in a way. You’re married, you already have three children, what’s one more? However, the decision that you and your husband ultimately made was a brave decision. You did what was right for you and your family and it sounds as though the baby is happy and healthy with their new family.

      I’m sorry that you were in a position where you had to make this decision but as long as you and your husband are satisfied with the choice that you made, then no one else’s opinion really matters. The people who reacted viciously wouldn’t have been there day in, day out with you helping you raise four children and helping with the financial pressures.

      Good luck with everything.

    10. Anon for this*

      Your story made me cry. How wonderful for this couple that they received a gift of a child from you. My husband and I were unable to have children and it would have meant so much to us to be that couple. All I can say is Thank You for your generosity to that other couple.

      1. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

        Thank you so much. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles with fertility/having children. Jedi hugs to you, if you would like them.

    11. anon24*

      I think what you did was incredibly wonderful and unselfish. Knowing that you couldn’t be a good parent to another child but carrying it to term and giving it to someone who could be a good parent is amazing and I respect you so much for it.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      There are times in life where letting go is the ultimate gesture of love. This is a decision that places the needs of another ahead of one’s own needs/wants.

      We see this again in people’s final illnesses. We face a point where we conclude, “If you want to stay and fight that is good. If you want to let go and leave, I understand.”

      In both instances the well-being of another becomes more important than ourselves. That is what love looks like.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        Yes, a million times to this! I wish more people were able to realize/accept this. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is letting a loved one go.

        OP I applaud you for being able to make this decision for your family and your child.

    14. Ellie*

      Holy smokes!!!! This is awesome!!! If more people thought like you, wouldn’t the world be a better place?!?! Sorry for the excessive punctuation, but I work in public education, and I see how children don’t always get all that they need when their parents’ finances aren’t so great/when adding another member isn’t that beneficial to those who are already there. Putting the needs of ALL dependents first should be the priority of any adult in a family.

      And reading some of your responses to other people’s questions, I have to say: isn’t what you are a surrogate in every sense of the word, regardless of the child’s genetics? You had decided the parents of this child would be this couple; you grew this child for her parents; that’s it! People get so caught up on who contributed genes to a child, who served as an ‘incubator’ to a child, blah blah blah- whatever, those things don’t make you parents! Feeding and cleaning another human being every day for years ~ despite how tired you might be or what your needs are ~ makes you a parent! Sitting through awful dance recitals and telling the kid it was great makes you a parent! Putting off getting a new car because you’re putting braces on the kid makes you a parent! Not strangling the teenager who rolls her eyes at you because you have the audacity to ask her to go to school for her free public education makes you a parent!

      And as far as you crying when you left the hospital, etc.? Dude, you grew a whole new person and then went through the most physically taxing thing a human body goes through!!! You cry whenever and however you feel like it, and anyone who gives you side eye for it is a jerk whose opinions don’t matter!

      Now go forth to keep on kicking butt and taking names, because you have obviously brought your A game in everything you’re doing!

    15. Anon mother of 2*

      I’m sorry that there are people in your life that don’t support your choice.

      I think you made a very brave decision that resulted in two happy families. I have two small children and a year after the birth of my second I thought I might be pregnant. The idea of having another pregnancy and infant was so terrifying to me that I am pretty sure I would have had an abortion if I had actually been pregnant.

      I didn’t think I could be a good enough parent to my kids if I had a third. I was at my limit with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. So I absolutely think you made the decision that you had to.

      I wish that if I were in that situation again I could make a choice that would help a couple with infertility. But I’m not sure I could be that selfless.

      1. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

        Thank you. I don’t think adoption is the perfect solution and I would never judge anyone who thinks they couldn’t do it – until this situation came around I wouldn’t have thought I could do it either. With our first three it was never the perfect time and circumstances to be pregnant, but deep down we were still happy about the babies and excited to have them. This time was different and we knew we had to make a different choice. Whenever I see the baby, pictures or in person, my first thought is always “She’s so cute!” immediately and always followed by “Thank God I don’t have four kids right now.”

    16. Alexandra Duane*

      Not many outside my family know about it, but I’m the child of a somewhat similar situation. My birth mother fled an abusive marriage, taking with her her six-month-old daughter, and made the difficult choice to leave her two sons with her husband. Months later, she became involved with a man who swore he was going to marry her. When she got pregnant, his family insisted that he return to their home (in another state) and convinced him to abandon her.
      This was in the mid-fifties, so you can imagine the situation she was in – unmarried, trying to raise one child on her own, and pregnant, at a time when all that made her a topic of gossip, shunning, and open criticism.
      My parents (adoptive parents) had been married for 10 years and could not have kids for medical reasons. They were friends with my birth mother, and so they agreed to adopt both me and my older half-sister. It was hard for her to give up her babies, but her life was just going to get harder if she didn’t, and our lives as well.
      She got a fresh start, and eventually married a terrific man and had two more kids. Now all of us – all of her kids – have met each other, and we have a decidedly odd but happy extended family. We don’t bother with the complexities of explaining the various half-sibling relationships to people outside the family – we’re just all brothers and sisters. We just laugh at the puzzlement of people to whom my birth mother has introduced me as her daughter, and then later hear her say something about my mother.
      I think you have done the best possible thing for all the people involved. Anyone who is judgmental about you doing this is not worth worrying about. There are many more “atypical” adoption situations than people might think. The bottom line is kids having loving homes where they can be taken care of.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        >The bottom line is kids having loving homes where they can be taken care of.
        Yes, this! (would make a great T-shirt slogan)

        Also this (no offense intended with the edits–I was trying to grab what I saw as the essential information)
        >…we have a decidedly odd but happy extended family. We don’t bother with the complexities of explaining the various half-sibling relationships to people outside the family – we’re just all brothers and sisters. We just laugh at the puzzlement of people [who don’t get it]

      2. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

        I’m sorry your birth mom had to go through that. That must have been so hard for her. I’m glad to hear that you all have good relationships with each other now – that’s exactly what I’m hoping for.

    17. Weekend Warrior*

      I have a friend who was the adopted child in a very similar scenario. He was the youngest child and given up for adoption to his aunt and uncle. He really struggled once he was told the whole story in his teens, I.e. that the family he thought was his aunt, uncle and cousins was in fact his birth family and vice versa. The shock to his “life story” was huge so I can see that being consistent and open about the story will be important for all the children.

      Another adoptee friend was told that he was the sole survivor of a car crash that had killed his birth parents. He incorporated “I’m a survivor” into his life story in a very big way so was very upset when his parents told him in his teens that the car crash was not a true story.
      Truth and consistency are so important as we construct our life stories and modern openess about adoption will surely help.

      In the end, you made the best possible decision for all your children and both families and I’m sure you will continue to do so. No families have uncomplicated histories.

      1. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

        I’ve seen that type of thing play out a few times myself – the stories we tell ourselves are pretty powerful.

    18. Alexandra Lynch*

      I did that twenty-some years ago.
      It worked out wonderfully all round. He turned out to be autistic, but he got the focused early help he needed to be able to navigate the world because he had two middle class parents instead of a pair of working poor parents, and is now going to college and studying meteorology. He knows he’s our genes not his parents, and he’s friends with his biosibs. (I have two sons.) And his parents are still great friends of ours.

      1. I Gave Up My 4th Child For Adoption - AMA*

        That’s wonderful! I’m glad to hear everything worked out well.

  41. Crafty*

    Anyone have experience with their dogs getting regular mast cell tumors, especially chemotherapy for them? Our doctor recommended Palladia for our 6 year-old boxer/pit mix…it’s devastatingly expensive, but she’s young and has had to have 2 tumors surgically removed this year!

    1. CityMouse*

      It depends, I think. I’ve paid for expensive surgery for my cat, but it was one of those things he would fully recover from and be okay.

      On the other hand, my grandmother treated her dog’s bone cancer, and she said it was a mistake – the dog was in pain for a year and never adjusted to having her leg amputated, and then died anyway. Dogs don’t understand why they are in pain in that situation.

      If the surgery/treatment will make your dog better and she’ll be able to enjoy more pain-free years, I’d be more inclined to do it. But if your dog is just going to keep getting sick, you might consider whether it’s kinder to let the dog live out her time as best she can and then let her go.

  42. Sled dog mama*

    My kid fell off a pool lounger on our vacation and ended up with two staples in her head. I feel like the worst parent ever. I mean how does your kid go over the back of a pool lounger with you less than two feet away?
    On the upside she bounced back quickly and proclaimed herself all smiles about five minutes after getting the staples.

    1. CityMouse*

      It was not your fault. Even with incredibly attentive parents, a kid can get hurt. I was once at the park with my nephew when he was about 3, and there were literally 5 adults watching him and in an instant, he just suddenly tripped and cut his knee on a rock. (He ended up totally fine). It just happens.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yep, we were all standing RIGHT THERE when my brother at two (or three? I forget) fell onto the corner of the fireplace hearth and cut his head wide open. I don’t even remember what happened! But it was nobody’s fault–it was just an accident.

    2. Colette*

      I took my niece on a walk and she managed to step on a nail. It went through her shoe and into her foot -I mean, you couldn’t do that if you tried. And she was 12 at the time. Stuff happens.

    3. Allypopx*

      I was such a clumsy kid. My mother couldn’t have kept me from hurting myself if she wrapped me in bubble wrap (this happens to still be true as an adult, but now it’s my bf who’s constantly sighing at me).

      She sounds like she’s a trooper! Don’t beat yourself up. The situations my nephew used to get into when I was watching him were amazing. Kids are quite resilient.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        Trooper is something of an understatement. She was amazing! As soon as I picked her up and said its ok mommy’s got you and daddy’s taking care of your boo-boo she sat perfectly still and let the lifeguard and EMTs check her out without protest.

    4. Jillociraptor*

      My brother fell through a tent and hit his head on a rock. Twice. In the same spot. A year apart. He’s in his late 20s now, and I don’t think this kind of stuff scars them for life :)

      More important than making sure kids are always able to avoid injury 100% is teaching them how to be resilient and deal with setbacks, and it sounds like your kid has that quality in spades, so you should be really proud!

      1. Colette*

        We had a tent trailer when I was a kid, and when my sister was a baby she managed to roll out of it between where the canvas met the Fiberglas. Much confusion ensued.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      She knows the adults around her took care of her.
      Think.
      She knows the adults around her took care of her.

      Even as adults we know how good it feels when other adults come to our rescue, be it with illness or a broken down car or whatever. It feels good to see help coming toward us when we need it the most.

      I remember tiny, 6 month old family member chipped his ankle in an accident. The doc put that little leg in tiny cast. We all felt so bad. I remember holding this wiggly child as he swung his bad foot around and clopped me across the face with that cast, then he giggled. And so did I.

    6. ONFM*

      Been there. Last year my oldest managed to pull her high chair over while she was in it – she lounged for her younger sister and the whole thing just tipped. It happened so fast that my husband, who was maybe five feet away, couldn’t catch her. She ended up with a nasty gash in her scalp. A quick trip to the ER and five staples later, she was fine. She was far more interested in the popsicle she got from the nurses than anything else that happened that night.

      The funniest (in retrospect) past of the night was how completely calm I was about it and how utterly panicked my husband was. That goes back to history; I grew up with all brothers, and my mom used to joke that a bed in the ER should be named for us, between all the money and time we’d spent there. My husband has never even had stitches before.

      The second funniest part was how proud my daughter was on her staples for the next week, until they were removed. She told her grandparents, the neighbor, the cashier at Target… We really felt like top notch parents!

      1. Zathras*

        Yeah, this is the thing – once the initial pain is over with the kid does not care and may think their staples/cast/whatever is cool. I fell off a chair and broke my collarbone when I was a toddler – I only have vague memories of it, but my mom told me I was mostly just disappointed that I would not have a cast that people could sign.

    7. ..Kat..*

      Pediatric ICU nurse here. On a regular basis, I see this kind of thing happen to children of attentive, loving, smart parents. Your incident would not even qualify for my top ten list of this stuff – not that there’s a competition =)

  43. Jillociraptor*

    Help me learn how to draw! After years of offhand comments about wanting to learn to do more art, my wonderful partner bought me a beginner’s set of art supplies for my birthday this week. I’m starting with sketching. I found one series of youtube videos that I like (Learn to Draw with Brandon Schaefer). He starts with really, really basic stuff like what the different pencils are good for, the right grip and pressure, super basic stuff about shapes, etc., which speaks to my learning style.

    Any ideas for: video tutorials, workbooks, practices/habits?

    1. Allypopx*

      I’m just starting to draw too! I’ve found copying things to be really helpful. I’ll either find pictures I like and try to sketch them or I’ll try to copy characters out of my D&D books. I scroll through Youtube videos but I haven’t found any I’m totally in love with.

      I hope you’re having fun! I’ve been painting too, it’s very relaxing.

      1. Jillociraptor*

        Yay! I appreciate that idea. That’s how I learned HTML: looking at the code of websites I thought looked good and seeing if I could replicate it. Seems like a fun and smart approach!

        My art set doesn’t have paints but it does have pastels, so I think that might be my next medium once I have a good handle on the basics of drawing. It sounds like you are having a great time learning too!

      2. Former art student*

        Congratulations on starting! Have fun. :)

        I recommend finding a thing or type of thing that you think is interesting and want to draw (e.g. dinosaurs, mountains, faces, clipper ships, etc) and draw it a bunch of times from reference (or preferably from life). Drawing is about training the eye more than the hand – learning to see the shapes of things and the relationships between shapes. Drawing with negative space is a great way to make yourself pay attention to these things. And even in abstract art, you still need the ability to judge what you want to put where and how it will affect the piece as a whole.

        TL:DR drawing is a mental exercise, learn to see consciously and it will definitely improve your drawing.

    2. miki*

      The Art Sherpa Channel on You Tube and their web page (theartsherpa dot com) !!! Lady and her husband is amazing!!! You won’t regret it I promise!

  44. mom is going to school*

    How you handle a spouse that thinks you don’t need an education?
    I am 40 and we have been married for 19 years. When we got married, I had only done one semester of college and didn’t do very well. I just didn’t focus at all, it was more about the experience. However, I have always worked extremely hard and advanced in my jobs. He was in school when we got married and so we both worked to get him through his bachelors degree with no student loans. I always, since before I met him, have been determined to finish my education at some point. My story is the same as anyone else’s as to why they didn’t finish-I never needed it for my 10 year career in retail management and there was always something else getting in the way. We have been raising a family and it just happens.
    Fast forward 19 years-I have been in staffing and HR for 4 years. All of my children are in school full-time. I signed up for a transition program through a large university that is a year long, completing some basic classes over 1 year online. It’s extremely affordable and I am planning on completing my bachelors degree through the same university. Right now I spend about 15 hours a week on it but I try to not let it impact the rest of the family and I get up at 5am to do my schoolwork. I love learning so much.
    When I signed up, he knew I was doing it. I had talked about this program for a few years. I have had him help me look at degree options and spent many hours exploring classes with him. All of this doesn’t change his opinion that I don’t need a degree to eventually get a better job with better pay and more work-life balance.
    I am baffled. He comes from a family of highly educated people. They all had to have that education to be in the careers they were in. My family has been the opposite-mostly construction entrepreneurs that did not finish school. 2 of my sisters and I are going to the same online university to finish school.
    We got in a fight the other night where he said that I have been the only one holding myself back all these years and I shouldn’t place any blame on him-even though I have always worked to support our family, had his children and taken care of them! I have always been very supportive of his education and his career.
    He is a great husband and father and we love each other very much. I am just sick about this. I just don’t understand why he isn’t supportive. Finishing a degree is not JUST about a job. It’s for ME. It’s about having a dream and making it happen. I know without a doubt that I need to do it. And by finishing that degree, if I were to stay in HR, I could almost double my income.
    Can anyone enlighten me about what could possibly be going through his stubborn head? Has anyone experienced this? And no, in case you are wondering, I have no intention of quitting my education.

    1. Temperance*

      Does he understand exactly why this is so important to you? I find that sometimes, people from educated families genuinely don’t see a degree as a goal, or life-changing, when for many of us, it can be. Booth has been super supportive of my educational goals, but I come from a blue collar family who has not been, historically, very supportive.

      If he’s otherwise not a total butthead, he might be feeling guilty about the fact that you didn’t get to go to school sooner because you were supporting his goals.

    2. Allypopx*

      That’s heartbreaking. Good for you for committing to your dreams. Hopefully he’ll come around, I can’t imagine what he’s thinking. Guilt, maybe? It sounds like he might think you feel held back by your family, and that might be weighing on him.

      Have you made it clear how important this is to you and how much you need his support? It sounds like you guys have some more conversations ahead of you.

    3. fposte*

      First, go you. This sounds like a brilliant opportunity, and it sounds like you’re kicking ass to make it work.

      Some things that *could* be going through his stubborn head (obviously, I don’t know): this is a big change. It means she doesn’t think what we have now is enough. She doesn’t trust me to take care of the family. She thinks we made a mistake years ago and that I’ve been unfair to her. Maybe this means she wants something more than our family can give her, or that I can give her. I’m used to an arrangement where I’m officially the one with the education and this will change that, and I don’t know if I like it. I’m worried about my job and career trajectory and I don’t want to tell her that, and the contrast right now is making me sad.

      Even if that is going through his stubborn head, I think it’s possible for those thoughts to change, especially in time, or for you to understand them better in a way that allows you to take them less personally. One possibility is that, when you’re having a good and low-key time with him otherwise, whether it’s just hanging out after the kids are in bed or driving somewhere together, say “Honey, I’ve been surprised by your reaction to your getting my degree. You’re such a solid supporter, and I know when I was supporting you through college and your career I was really excited to be part of helping you get to your goals, and I thought you’d be the same when it was me. Can you tell me why you’re reluctant to do so and why it seems to worry you?” The key there is to really mean it as a question and to let him explore this a little rather than rushing to tell him how wrong he is. He may not know why he’s having this response. He may think he’s *been* supportive. (If you didn’t say anything about being held back by him before he threw that into the conversation, I think Temperance has it about guilt, too.)

      I think it might also be helpful for you to think about what responses other than straight-out cheerleading would be an acceptable solution from your husband. If he makes cracks about your workload now and stops doing it when asked, is that enough of a solution? Would it be okay if he never really understands what it means to you but is still willing to help and cheerfully attends your graduation?

    4. Mrs. Fenris*

      If I had to guess, I bet that at some level he does feel that he held you back, and you going back to school now confirms that you wanted to do something but weren’t able to do it.

    5. Yetanother Jennifer*

      The first thing that popped into my head is that old expression about it never being a waste to educate a woman. I think it’s a bit odd that your husband said you can’t blame him. If you weren’t blaming him, then, like Temperance said, he might be blaming himself. Also, if everyone in his family got their education on the traditional schedule then he’s never seen the disruption that part time schooling along with regular life can create. As hard as you’re trying to keep your school work out of the way, it’s still going to affect everyone around you. And that’s fine, and a great thing for your kids and husband to see. I’d let it disrupt things a little further when needed. I don’t know that your schedule is sustainable in the long run. At any rate, you are awesome for doing this; both for you and your career.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Bottom line. Its not about him. It is not his choice. It is not his life.
        Mr. Bibliovore was against my getting an advance degree. I was doing well enough in my career. What it really came down to was time and money.
        Time for him. Money for me. The years that I was in graduate school were tough on our daily life, schedules, and stressful at times.
        Now 25 years later we are both grateful that I persisted against his negativity. Looking back he would say he was just joking or playing devil’s advocate. It didn’t feel like that at the time. It all worked out in the end.

      2. mom is going to school*

        You guys are awesome, thank you! That answered my question. I have blamed him a bit but not in a mean way, but have said that he had his turn to establish himself, now it’s mine. I am a pretty strong person, but he is equally strong so we are pretty blunt with each other. I think the best solution is that I not bring up how we got here by looking back at what we should have done, and look forward and understand that this is my deal and I don’t have to have 100% buy in from him. He would never stop me and he helps out a ton with the kids and house, so I guess I can’t ask that he feel excited for me if he isn’t. It’s really not the worst problem to have and I’m sure it will get better once he sees me stick with it. Thank you again!

        1. Alexandra Duane*

          I think you are right on target about not looking back.
          He may be feeling that you will need him less if you get a better education – irrational, of course, but a natural thing to feel, and he might not even realize that he’s feeling that. Maybe reassure him that you will still need him in many ways, no matter where your education and career take you.

    6. Menacia*

      I’ve had this same exact *discussion* with my husband. I have always wanted to finish my degree and I’m now 3 classes away (at age 52!) of completing it. He could not understand why I wanted to complete my degree considering I have a good job and it’s been stressful (yes, school can be stressful, just like anything in life!). This is something that once completed no one can take away from me, it’s an accomplishment, and yes, may help with my future job prospects should my current situation change. You may need to be okay with the fact that your husband won’t ever understand, and that you will just need to persevere without his blessing.

      1. Erin*

        Oh my goodness, DO IT DO IT DO IT. My mom always wanted to, but always had an excuse. Too hard, too expensive, too late. When she was in her late 30s and I was in high school, I found her local programs (we had 2 universities in our town, plus several others locally), as well as grants. She didn’t do it.

        Once the kids were out of the house, I found online programs she could do- again, with grants and low cost options. Didn’t do it.

        Fast forward and now she’s 60. She was laid off from her dead-end job and has pieced things together since then, sort of. I suggested she go back to school (again, with grants! And I even offered to pay for the rest). Nothing.

        She always uses “lack of a degree” as the reason she can’t get a good job or do what she wants to do, but has never Don’t anything about it.

        I’m so proud of you all!!!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I had an on-going argument over a different matter with my husband. In the end, I chose to ignore his words and focus on his actions. He saw to it that the bills were paid for this Thing I wanted. He cut me the slack so I had time to do Thing. His walk did not match his talk. His walk said yes and his talk said no.

      In the end I kind of thought him to be a bigger person than me. Would I put money/time into something for him that I did not believe in? My knee jerk answer was NO. I would probably not have handled it the way he did. He turned out to be the bigger person.

    8. LilySparrow*

      I don’t know what’s going through his mind, but sometimes when I talk about wanting more, wanting to change or improve my life and myself, my husband hears, “YOU are not enough. I am unhappy with YOU. I regret the life I have WITH YOU. You are doing a BAD JOB at making me happy and providing for me.”

      That’s not what I feel at all, (and it’s not his job to make me happy), but every once in a while he gets defensive about my ambitions and that’s where it’s coming from.

    9. Not really a waitress*

      My grandfather graduated from high school the day I was born. He dropped out of school in the 8th grade to take care of his mother. He married my grandmother and they raised 8 children. All of whom went to college. He retired from his federal job and found out he was going blind. He went back to earn his GED because it was important to him. They let him walk across the stage at HS during graduation… the same one 5 of his children walked across. Like I said, it was the day I was born and I was his 21st grandchild. It wasn’t about money or promotion for him. It was about achieving his goal.

    10. ..Kat..*

      It is enough just to want to do it for you. He doesn’t “know “ that your degree won’t help your job prospects. He also does not know whether he will become disabled or dead (and thus you will need to become the sole support for your family). Your college education also improves your children’s lives.

      You put him through college. Now he wants to decide (for you) that you don’t need a college education? And you are doing everything you can so that your education doesn’t ‘inconvenience’ his life! He is being very selfish.

      Go, get your college degree.

  45. KatieKate*

    Is anyone here involved with CASA? I’d really like to start getting involved, but I want to know more about the time comittment, when the volunteering time is (work hours?) and travel times. I live in a city without a car and would have to figure out how to get places.

    1. Temperance*

      I am on the Young Friends board of a similar organization. It is largely during work hours, at least in my jurisdiction, because you’re helping the kid get to court appointments and the like.

    2. Phillipa*

      I just completed my CASA training yesterday! I haven’t been sworn in on a case yet, but I can tell you a little bit about my limited experience so far and the expectations from my county. Training was about a 30 hour commitment (five weeknights from 5:30-8:30 pm and two Saturdays from 8 am till noon or 2 pm). That was a big time commitment but only lasted three weeks.

      After training, they say it will be about a 3-hour commitment weekly. At a minimum, we need to meet with the child at least once a month. In addition, we are supposed to go to court hearings, etc., which will almost certainly fall during work hours. We also need to stay in touch with parents, teachers, social workers, etc. This could take place outside of work hours. I have quite a bit of flexibility in my schedule, so I’m not too concerned about this. I’m not positive whether anyone in my training group works with rigid 9-5 hours. I would imagine that would make volunteering a bit more challenging but certainly possible.

      I don’t know what the foster situation is like where you live, but in my state it’s really common for kids to be placed in towns 30+ miles away, so we definitely need cars to volunteer. However, your city definitely might be different. We also are able to transport kids for outings, and that’s something you at least need to have access to a car for.

      I would encourage you to call or email your local CASA staff! The people who work in my county are amazing, friendly, and so passionate. I have heard mixed reviews about staff in a neighboring county, so YMMV. But it’s been a fabulous experience for me so far! (And I haven’t even really started yet – ha!)

  46. Kristie*

    Anyone feeling stressed about the upcoming holiday season? So much to do, gifts to buy, cookies to bake? Our house is a mess, I’ve got so many doctors appointments and meetings after work. Feeling super stressed. What do you do to combat this? So far I’ve been taking bubble baths but would like some other self care tips.

    1. CityMouse*

      I think it’s also okay to acknowledge that the holidays are just another day and if some decorations don’t get up and cookies don’t get made, it’s totally okay. I used to think of Christmas as a totally sacred day, then one year, I had to work on Christmas day, and we just opened presents when I got home instead and didn’t to a big dinner everything was just totally fine.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Yes, because I have no money and I can’t see going to the family gathering empty-handed and coming home with a bunch of junk I don’t need. I told my mum I didn’t want ANYBODY to buy me presents. I don’t need them. I’m probably not even going to go. I can’t really afford to drive over and back even.

    4. NorCalPM*

      Nope, but there’s a reason for that. I really pared back the number of holiday-related obligations I took on, starting ten years ago. Bake cookies? Nope. I buy them. Elaborate meals? Nope. We’ll eat out, or I’ll buy a prepared meal at a grocery store (there are some good ones). Gifts? I give very few, they’re relatively cheap (nothing over $50), and I tell people to give me nothing. If I want something, I’ll buy it. I have everything I need, and I make it clear that if you buy me something, I’ll probably just give it away (I don’t like clutter. And please don’t buy me a scented candle. Most of them stink, they’re a fire hazard, and they drip). People have learned to comply with that (I think a lot of people are relieved and appreciate my not plunging them further into holiday debt).

      My decorating amounts to a string of LED mini-lights on my big ficus tree in the living room. They look nice and festive, took five minutes to string up, and cost about $10.

      I live alone and don’t have kids, so I’ve decided to take advantage of the freedom that affords me. I actually enjoy the holidays now, whereas before I used to dread them. I have a big, dysfunctional family with whom I do not feel obligated to spend the holidays, so I don’t. My friends are older and single, too, and we’re pretty much of a mind when it comes to the holidays. Enjoy each other’s company, eat out, see movies and plays, enjoy the public decorations, enjoy hiking in the cold followed by a hot drink in a warm and friendly place.

      The holidays are supposed to be fun, not the Bataan Death March of debt, drunkenness, overeating mediocre food, tolerating intolerable people, and over-scheduling. I wish I’d taken this approach sooner.

      1. JenM*

        “The holidays are supposed to be fun, not the Bataan Death March of debt, drunkenness, overeating mediocre food, tolerating intolerable people, and over-scheduling. I wish I’d taken this approach sooner.”

        This!! A thousand times this. I love Christmas. So why ruin it for myself by stressing about it?

  47. Mrs. Fenris*

    Help me win an internet argument, y’all. A close family member, whose political/social views are much more conservative than mine, just posted a meme of Mike Pence looking very satisfied with himself that says “Remember when the left ridiculed me for my rule of not meeting with women without the presence of my wife?”

    I can follow the meme writer’s logic, but this feels off to me. The AAM commentariat is always good at this kind of thing. What would you say in response?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      “So does that mean that he too would have sexually harassed or assaulted women otherwise?”

      Or I suppose it could be implying that the women making accusations are lying and that he’s smartly protected himself from that, which is also gross.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Ugh. This really grosses me out, but I think your second thought is probably spot-on – that the meme is implying all the women making accusations are just liars. :(

      2. Anion*

        No, it’s saying that he was picked on and accused of sexism for refusing to be alone with women other than his wife, and the accusers were doing things like taking selfies while molesting sleeping women on airplanes.

    2. HannahS*

      “If a man can’t trust himself to prioritize a woman’s safety over his sexual urges, I don’t trust him to run the country.”

    3. nep*

      Oh, because were you to meet with women in the absence of your wife, you would do something wrong? You think this makes you look good?! Ridiculous. Not surprising coming from that camp.

      1. nep*

        Oops — I just re-read and I see it’s a meme. So not from Pence himself, then.
        In any case anyone who thinks this way really does not get it at all, and it speaks volumes about their attitudes and principles (lack thereof).

    4. NaoNao*

      “Only his wife is keeping him from sexually assaulting or harassing women?”
      “Do men make the decision to harass and assault based on the lack or presence of witnesses?”
      “Sexual assault and harassment and the prevention of same is not related to the desire to avoid any appearance of impropriety.”
      “Two different things. Mike Pence won’t meet anyone without “Mother” because he feels its respectful to his marriage. Having to tote “Mother” around everywhere you go to prevent either assaults or accusations of assaults is completely different.”

      “Mother Pence was brought along out of respect for marriage, not as a body guard for the other woman.”

      The thing is, in a different lens, there’s a kernel of truth to this. If Harvey Weinstein was somehow the type of man who wouldn’t take a meeting without “Mother Georgina” in the room, it’s very likely these assaults wouldn’t have happened.

      But benign sexism, which in this case means chaperoning women with members of their own gender to keep them protected from man’s rampant and otherwise uncontrollable sexuality, which they (women) arouse just by being female, is still sexism. And still gross and hurtful to men and women alike.

    5. Temperance*

      It’s suggesting that women lie about being sexually assaulted and harassed, and the problem is women rather than men who act out.

      I might respond to that meme by asking exactly what he means by it, and making him come out and say it. He’s going to do the classic thing where he’s dog whistling exactly how he feels about women but if you call him on it, he’ll deny.

    6. Jillociraptor*

      It is so fascinating how male leadership is so fragile for some men that the rest of us have to arrange our lives to make it possible for them to lead…

    8. NorCalPM*

      Why bother to argue? I’d just ignore it. Just the same way that when I’m out walking and come across something a dog owner chose not to clean up, I skirt it and walk on by. You know what it is. Don’t step in it.

      People who post things of that nature often want to rile you up, they want an argument. Your attention and emotional reaction are their oxygen. Don’t give them any. Let their ignorance and obnoxiousness asphyxiate in cyberspace.

  48. Ask a Manager* Post author

    So there’s been a trend recently of people wanting to link to things, not wanting to wait for the link to come out of moderation, and so putting the link in their user name instead — thus avoiding moderation. Can I ask everyone to stop doing that? I have links go through moderation for a reason, and this is circumventing that. (Using that field the way it’s intended — as a link to your own site, blog, Twitter, etc. is fine.) Please continue to include them the way everyone used to, as part of the post. They won’t stay in moderation for long in most cases. Thank you!

    1. fposte*

      Ah, sorry, I thought that was just a template thing and not a conscious choice. But I can see where it could turn into trouble.

    3. Myrin*

      Oh no, I didn’t even think of that! My thought was that you’d be spared the work of going through dozens of comments with innocuous links but now I realise that obviously, you’d want to judge that yourself regardless. Apologies!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Is typing out the name okay because it causes the person to copy/paste or retype rather than click and jump?

      Example:
      yahoo dot com

      I have done this. If it’s not cool, I will stop.

  49. NaoNao*

    Seconding Free Food for Millionaires! It’s amazing! It’s nice and *long*! I read it while I was manning my booth at a vendor fair and it kept me busy for 6 hours! I felt like it was the perfect blend of fashion and manners and family drama for me.

  50. Kali*

    I’m getting more concerned about a friend of mine. I wrote about her a few weeks ago. We’re both students, though I came to university later (I’ll be 30 next year). My friend will be 20 next year, and she’s living away from home for the first time, in a foreign country. She misbudgeted a lot by going on holiday over the summer and then joining a sports team which requires frequent travel; I loaned her £20 for food about a month ago (I took it off my Christmas gift budget, so I can definitely spare it; if she gives it back, she gets a present).

    I know lending her money isn’t the right path; she needs to figure things out by herself, or I’ll be lending her money forever. The other day, her period started and she asked to borrow a pad; I don’t use them, so I don’t have any. We went to the supermarket after class, and her card was declined while buying literally the cheapest pads possible (about 50p, for context). She’d told me she had £2 left to buy food with, but I didn’t realise that she meant that was literally all she had in her bank account; presumably, she actually had less since the payment didn’t go through. I loaned her £1 – it all happened really fast, and it was right there in my purse, which I had out to pay for my shopping, so I just handed it over – but I’m concerned that things are that bad. :(

    I sent her a redacted copy of my financial spreadsheet, which is a work of art; pages for each separate budget, monthly sheets, a big overview, sections for planning future trips, and so on. She’s seen my bigger spending, like interesting food and treats, but she doesn’t see my meal plans or how I keep my basic costs down so I can afford those sorts of things. I told her I was going to share the spreadsheet with the first years I mentor (we’re second years) and asked for her thoughts; she said it’s good, and I hope she’ll have some more ideas about how to manage finances now she’s seen an example of how someone else in the same situation manages theirs. It’s so hard to watch, and listen to her, and then just go “wow, I hope that works out for you” and not offer to help. :(

    1. Allypopx*

      It’s hard, but she needs to figure it out for herself. It was really nice of you to share your spreadsheets with her. Hopefully that helps her contextualize things a little bit. Past that, let her work it out. Definitely don’t become her financial crutch.

    2. kas*

      I have a friend in a similar situation and I’ve had to deny her loan requests. She doesn’t budget well at all and has quite a bit of credit card debt from buying from all of these random social media boutiques that sell clothes, makeup and jewelry. Most of her income goes to her credit card debt so she never has money for anything else. I loaned her $30 3 months ago and she just tried to give it back to me the other day. I told her to keep it. I feel bad for her but I don’t want her to continue to ask me for money. If we go out I usually always end up paying for her.

  51. Victoria, Please*

    Need to talk myself out of some unattractive resentment which if unchecked will lead to a nasty argument with my husband. Sigh. His daughter got married a couple of years ago and we have been storing a bunch of stuff for way longer than that. Hallelujah, it’s being picked up tomorrow. I am spending my morning getting it all together so the movers can get it.

    She came up last week and they tore the spare room apart looking for all her things. That spare room is where my things are along with the guest bed etc. I have had her stuff in my space because her father has a ton of crap and didn’t have room in his office which is dedicated to his sole use, thanks. They made a mess of my room looking for her stuff, and…just…walked away. She’s taking a grill that we don’t use and when they opened it up and found that it still had ashes in it from God knows how long ago, they put the lid back on and walked away from that too.

    One role I have in the family IS the dirty-job-doer, the heavy lifter, the cleaner, the packer. I don’t resent that role. I’m resenting having *my space* made a mess of and they walked away from it. I’m also experiencing anticipatory resentfulness because I know that when my husband comes back from a doctor visit, he will ask me why I stacked the boxes that way and why I pulled out a bunch of stuff that shouldn’t go with the movers because we have to drive it down and why aren’t these things packed up and why am I throwing that away and didn’t I find that one last thing they couldn’t find and what’s for lunch. And he will do this very innocently with no intention of being a jackass.

    So I’m pissed and dirty and tired and trying to get over it before he comes back and I bite his head off.

    1. NaoNao*

      My partner is an asker of “why” and it’s hard not to bite his head off too.

      I would maybe flip the script and answer questions before he asks, while distracting him with a “honey do” of your own: “Hey, glad you’re home. Can you do X,Y, and Z for me? I’m going to do ____[whatever chore he’s likely to ask about first] and then get to salads and bread for lunch, sound good?”

      1. LCL*

        My response to the asker of why in my life is always some variation of ‘because that’s what I did.’ Asking why in the kind of situation you describe is a control thing, but not of people exclusively but rather their whole environment. It is directed at you because you are the person being questioned, but it’s not personal .

        So don’t play the always explaining game. Because I did or that’s how I chose to do it are complete answers. If your husband is the rational person he thinks he is, he will reframe his questions to ask what he really wanted to know, or drop it.

    3. JenM*

      I’d let the resentment build and take his head off. But this is why I’m not married and have no intention to ever be married.

  52. Lissa*

    Ever see something on TV that is obviously meant be lighthearted/sympathetic etc. but comes off totally wrong, at least to you? I was watching Death in Paradise, a fairly cheesy/formalaic BBC detective show, and there was a plotline where the lead detective has secret romantic feelings for one of his subordinates. There’s a situation where she gets an opportunity for a job in Paris (it’s always Paris in these plotlines) that she’s really excited about. He has a chance to basically “block” her promotion/transfer if he says that he really can’t spare her (she won’t know why she didn’t get it), and spends a whole episode agonizing about whether to do so, at first *does* block the transfer, but then at the end of the episode changes his mind and she goes to Paris (actress was leaving the show).

    This whole time it’s presented as “he’s such a good, self-sacrificing guy for letting her go even though he has feelings for her” but OMG, he’s her boss! This would be horrible sexual harassment/abuse of power in real life, and a one of many reasons why workplace romance can go so wrong. He basically almost majorly derails her life not based on work concerns, but because he has a thing for her! I could never like that character after that, even though it’s obvious that he’s meant to be sympathetic in this whole plotline.
    Anyway, just wanted to share that here because I obviously take these things too seriously.

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Danny catfishing Mindy on The Mindy Project. He gets called out on it by the other characters, but Mindy forgives him waaaaaaaaaay too easily.

    2. Kathenus*

      Yes! There’s a commercial out now, I think for iPhones. A couple is at a restaurant and he gives her a present for their ‘anniversary’, their 30-something DAY one. And when she says she didn’t get him anything he says that’s OK he got one for himself from her and then thanks her for her thoughtfulness, or something like that. To me it comes across as creepy, stalker-y. Maybe it’s just me but my skin crawls whenever I see it.

    4. bbc*

      I enjoy Death in Paradise but the amount of boundary crossings of the kind you describe is pretty amazing.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Same – I just started watching the series (into season 5) and that specific event (sabotaging the job offer) felt really off from the nature of the show and that character. Glad it was resolved within the episode.

    6. Ramona Flowers*

      Also, I kind of hate the sexism of how they wrote Jen in The IT Crowd. I love that show, but still.

  53. Update on he wants a baby*

    I’m divorced! The judge ruled on Wednesday and the overwhelming feeling has been one of relief. I’ve had a couple moments of regret, but it’s for what might have been (perhaps in a parallel universe where we were different people?), rather than for getting the divorce (in this universe). I dropped the pay-off-the-ex check at the lawyer’s on Friday. It’s a small amount of money and well worth it.

    The one awkward moment was on Friday when I emailed him about some tying up loose ends tasks, he emailed back that he hadn’t heard we were divorced yet. Apparently his lawyer had not forwarded that information. The system should have electronically notified both our lawyers at the same time.

    The sale of the house is proceeding. Closing remains next month and the buyers continue to give every sign that they are interested and will follow through. I think I will get serious soon about looking for a new house. I’m in a rental now, which is fine as a transitional place, but is missing some features (kitchen space! eating area!) that I want.

    Things are looking up. Thank you all for listening and being supportive.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      You made it. I am glad to hear this. And you sound good, too. Clearly, this was something you needed to do. May life just continue to get better and better.

    8. NorCalPM*

      Yeah, it’s like taking off a backpack full of rocks on a long hike, isn’t it? Nothing useful in that backpack, just dead weight. Feels so good to take it off, set it down by the side of the trail, and walk on feeling lighter, with a spring in your step. I’m happy for you. I know that feeling, and it’s delicious. Also, addictive.

  54. HannahS*

    I have the choice between a free Apple watch or a very discounted iPhone SE. It’s a thanks-for-taking-out-a-giant-student-loan thing from my bank. I’m not too familiar with either, and am pretty happy with my current phone. If you own one/both of those, what do you like/not like about them? Alternatively, I could just get the watch and try to sell it.

    1. Book Lover*

      I am not sure how it would be to use an Apple Watch with an android phone, though I am sure it can be done. I like my Apple Watch. I am not very good at hearing the phone ring (well, usually it is on mute) and the Watch helps me not check my phone too often. Mostly though, I use it for the fitness tracker. I use the weather app, breathe app, and I actually really like just having photos pop up on it every time I check the time. I had stopped wearing a Watch a while ago, and it is nice knowing the time without checking my phone, too :)

      All that said, I love my iPhone and I hated the android I used. Plus, much better than android for Pokémon go :). So unless you love your phone it might be worth making a change. But if you need cash or a nice present for someone, I think it seems fine to be something and then resell or gift.

      2. super anon*

        I have an apple watch – it can’t be used with an android phone. You have to have an iphone to be able to pair the watch to set it up when you first take it out of the box, and as the watch essentially acts as a notifications forwarder to your phone, it would be incredibly useless to you even if you did manage to set it up without having an iphone. You also need icloud to tie to the watch, as well as the health app etc to get the most out of the health features.

        If OP doesn’t have an apple phone already, they should take the SE if they want something they can use. Depending on what model of watch it is, they could take it and try to sell it.

        1. HannahS*

          Good information, thanks! I am leaning towards getting one of them to sell. Likely the watch, since it’s free.

    2. Cristina in England*

      The Apple Watch won’t be much use without an iPhone. Many of its apps are basically extensions of stuff that is happening on your phone. You cannot use an Apple Watch with an Android phone.

      I have an iPhone SE and I love it because it is small enough to fit in most pockets. I have an iPad mini for when I want a bigger screen, I don’t need my phone to do that.

      Hope this helps.

  55. Temperance*

    Earlier this week, I sprained my ankle and earned myself a lovely boot for the next month. Has anyone else been through this? I’m trying to figure out what I can wear with this thing.

    It keeps pulling my jeans down, so those are out of the question. I’m wearing leggings and a dress today, but it’s not exactly a cute fashion statement. I’m more of a dress person and I don’t wear pants often. It’s really cold in my area, so I need to wear pants or tights or something. Any suggestions are MUCH appreciated!

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      I’ve had great luck with Gap tights, and they have a line called Maximum Heat, which are INCREDIBLY warm. Their sweater tights are also very warm. The only thing about Gap tights is that they’re not really available in a variety of fun colours, but I’ve heard good things about We Love Colors for tights in colors at a pretty decent price point.

    2. Sylvan*

      Based on wearing braces, not boots…

      With dresses or skirts: Thick socks, knee-high or so. Leggings that can pass for tights, generally solid black. Look for dresses or skirts that have thick fabric or lining. It makes more of a difference than you would expect. Shoot for knee-length.

      Pants and jeans: Skinny jeans. Pull up some excess fabric and bunch it around the top of the boot when you put the boot on, so the boot won’t tug down your jeans. Fleece-lined leggings or skinny jeans, but I haven’t tried them myself. Look for fabric that matches the boot to make it less noticeable and more streamlined.

      3. Alexandra Lynch*

        I boot off and on in jeans due to orthopedic issues, and what I do with my regular and bootcut jeans is to just pull it up a little, blousing it over the top slightly, and fold the extra to the sides.

    3. CAA*

      Oh man, I sympathize. I dealt with the dreaded walking boot a few years ago.

      Can you find some flared pants? I had a pair of black wide-leg trousers that I wore a lot because they’d go over the boot. Jeans had to go inside, and then, as you have found, you have to spend the day yanking them up at the waist.

        1. Temperance*

          These are awesome suggestions! I’m super short, so I look like a rodeo clown in any kind of wide-leg pants. ;)

    4. Cristina in England*

      Wait, what is wrong with leggings and a dress? I am confused since you said you were more of a dress person in the very next sentence. So do you normally wear tights / have bare legs?

      1. Temperance*

        I normally wear tights. I LOVE leggings, but I favor the brightly colored kind that I can’t quite get away with at the-place-we-don’t-talk-about-on-weekends.

    5. Amelia*

      This is going to sound terrible, but hear me out: Yoga pants. Or sweatpants. They make some nice dark colored ones and just make sure you get the thicker kinds not the super thin ones. I’ve done a month on crutches twice now. People understand. Yoga pants are easier to get on over the cast (they stretch) and when you’re dealing with that sort of drama comfy pants help. Long skirts also worked but pants felt more secure with all the hopping around. Also get some of those like worlds softest socks or other oversized fuzzy socks, like the ones you probably got at the doctors, they are able to go on over the cast and keep the toes nice and warm.

      Hang in there!

      1. Temperance*

        Thank you! These are super helpful suggestions. I went to Target this afternoon and bought some higher-quality socks than I usually wear and a few pairs of nice-looking leggings. I’m going to look into nicer sweatpants and yoga pants, too! I have a few pairs of yoga pants, but they’re all capri length and can’t quite pass. ;)

        1. Nana*

          Do your hip and back a favor. Buy a (cheap) shoe that’s the same height as the boot. You won’t realize the torque you’re causing your body by wearing two different height shoes.

  56. Foreign Octopus*

    I woke up this morning to see Lena Dunham trending on Twitter and oh my god I am so done with her white brand feminism. I’m so disgusted at the letter that she wrote defending one of the writers on Girls from a rape claim from Aurora Perrineau. She said, and I’m quoting:

    “While our first instinct is to listen to every woman’s story, our insider knowledge of Murray’s situation makes us confident that sadly this accusation is one of the 3% of assault cases that are misreported every year.”

    It infuriates me that she portrays herself as this huge feminist icon, loudly proclaiming that no woman lies about rape, only to change her mind as soon as one of her friends is accused. Her statement about “our insider knowledge” is so smug and patronising. Unless she was in the room with Aurora and Murray at the time then she has absolutely zero insider knowledge.

    I can’t understand how people can be so blind and so hypocritical that they thought this would be a good idea.

    I feel for Aurora, and for every rape and sexual assault victim who have to deal with this. I don’t know if I could without going batshit crazy on people.

      1. NorCalPM*

        Agreed! I’ve never seen what people liked about her. And I didn’t like “Girls.” She is pretty consistent, though, when you really take a look at her and her work product. I wasn’t surprised by her stance on this. It fits.

    3. New Bee*

      Lena Dunham is a garbage person. And it’s most definitely not a coincidence that both she and Harvey Weinstein chose to specifically refute claims from Black women.

  57. Anons*

    Hi-

    I feel so embarassed typing this, but I really trust this community and feel like the commenters are always so nice and helpful. Some things have come to light in my relationship that are not exactly positive, and I don’t want to get into them. My issue is I just can’t imagine leaving my relationship. We have been together for 4 years (I’m 28 for reference), live together, have a dog. I don’t feel like I have much of a life outside of him. I am an introvert and most of my friends moved away after college. I’ve tried to make efforts to meet people, but probably have’t tried hard enough, as I have not had much success. I am also not close with my family (Rebuilding this isn’t really an option for me). I don’t want to be this person, I just fell into and don’t know how to get out. I also can’t handle leaving my dog. I can’t afford to live alone and don’t know what I would do to keep her. I was unhappy with my career for a long time, but I got a new job 2 months ago that is a much better fit for me. I have know for years that I need a better community and a better career to be happier, and have tried to fix, just to varying success.

    If things unfold badly, does anyone have any advise on how to have the strength to do this? Or any practical advise to figure it out the logistics? I know I am young but thinking about ending this just makes me feel like my life is over because I don’t have a great support system and I don’t have a full life outside of him.

    1. Sarah*

      Hi, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’m 27 and ended my relationship of 4 years last year. It was really tough, but not tougher than our eventual marriage would have been. I’m also an introvert, which I thought was actually an asset during the breakup, since I didn’t feel as lonely or crave company as much.

      It’s great that you’re interested in your new job – lots of people throw themselves into work when their personal lives get tough. For meeting people outside of work, Meetup has been great when I’ve moved cities a couple times, I’ve liked groups like “women in their 20’s and 30’s,” but there’re also book clubs, crafting, hiking, singles, whatever. Or you could always meet people by volunteering, which as a bonus can help keep you from feeling sorry for yourself. Maybe start a new side hustle like selling your art, pet sitting, freelance writing, etc. Also, therapy could be something to consider, especially if you feel your own support system is lacking. And it helped me to have a few role models in mind – real or fictional – for my weaker moments.

    2. I’m here*

      I understand and sympathize. I stayed way too long in a relationship because the logistics of getting out were exhausting to contemplate (owned a home, had a dog, had to dissolve the domestic partnership). I kept trying to make it work. Which was exhausting also.

      When she said she got back together with an ex and was moving out of state, a weight I didn’t even realize was there lifted. Divorced, sold the house, moved: all in 4 months. It wasn’t easy and it involved some really ugly conversations over that time, but you can do what needs to be done.

      It was a good thing it happened, but I do wish I had done the leaving. I would’ve felt more in control of things. As it was, I was mostly reacting.

      If you are planning to break up, talk. Don’t blindside the other person. A lot of hard feelings could’ve been avoided with an “I’m not happy” conversation, rather than “I’m leaving and we have to sell the house.”

      I didn’t have a close support system either, but unexpected people will be there to help you navigate. People who had never spoken to me at work would stop by with a kind word or advice. If you have an EAP, use it! I called only once, but it was so helpful.

      I was extremely distracted during that time. Someone said to me at best I was using only 40% of my brain. The other 60% was thinking about the situation. Put your wallet, car keys, phone, photo badge, whatever you need to have daily IN THE SAME PLACE EVERY DAY. You will misplace things. Write down things. Don’t rely on your memory. Go easy on yourself.

      I know this will sound awful and don’t mean it that way but: if you’re not happy you don’t have a full life with him either.

      People have said things to me which resonated and I’ve jotted them down. When I was feeling like I failed: Your mistakes do not define you. When I would feel like postponing something: Day One or one day… up to you.

      You can do whatever needs to be done, Anons. You really can.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      It is hard to leave something if we feel like we are going toward NOTHING. You are wise to look around and try to pull something together that you can go toward.

      Many of us, myself included, have a tendency to build our lives around our SOs. Reframe. This is not wrong, it’s a life style that we chose. So rather than attaching a bunch of negative stuff to it why not say, “I would like to chose a new life style. I think it is time to do that.”
      When we are choosing to do something different the picture changes.

      I whole-heartedly agree on asking well chosen people for their advice on various matters. It’s a compliment to them. You don’t have to take the advice, you can use it as a springboard for getting your own ideas. Pick people whose opinions/actions you respect.

      Be on the watch for genuine people who softly try to take an interest in how you are doing. Expect good people to want to help. Someone probably helped them and you are their opportunity to pay it forward. Let them, knowing full well that in the future it will be your turn to pay it forward.

      Learn to say yes more often in situations where it seems reasonable. That nice coworker says, “Let’s grab a coffee together.” Tell her yes. You go once and you can decide later if you want to go a second time. The more times we say yes, the more opportunities we create for ourselves.

      Come back and let us know how you are doing.

    4. Call me St. Vincent*

      I am so sorry to hear this, but the good news is that I have been in your shoes. I was with my college boyfriend for almost 5 years until I was in my mid-twenties and it just wasn’t right. I always knew it but on paper he was great and I was so enmeshed with his family and all of our friends were one big group. We lived together and I felt like if I left I would never be able to find someone and I was so old etc. Well he ended up breaking up with me, which to this day I am grateful to him for doing, because I don’t think I ever would have had the wherewithal to do it myself. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so so so depressed, but I took up yoga to right myself and I ended up getting into mindfulness and eating better and exercising and just generally improving my own well being and learning to be alone and be okay with that.

      One year later I met a man who I fell immediately in love with who I never would have had the confidence to even talk to in my previous situation. Because I was happy with who I was and happy with just being myself, I was able to see this amazing person and have the confidence not to screw things up! We’ve been married for five years now and have a beautiful daughter. I followed my passion with my career and am in a really good place now with that too and am happy. I can’t believe that I almost stayed stuck in a bad relationship where I felt like I could never survive on my own or make my own friends or start over again. I was really stunted by the relationship and I never even knew it. I’m so glad that my ex broke up with me, and we actually remain friends to this day.

      I guess what I’m saying is, don’t be afraid! There may be something even better waiting out there for you. Settling would have been the worst thing I would have done in my life. Part of being alone and getting out of something bad like this is growing and learning about yourself and how strong you really are. Good luck with everything.

    5. Not That Jane*

      I’ve sort of been there too – had a rough time in my mid-20s, including meeting and immediately falling for a guy who in hindsight was totally wrong for me, and also was not interested in commitment (romantic or any other kind).

      When we broke up, I was in the process of moving 500 miles from home for a job (which I really needed!) to a city where I knew almost no one. It was lonely and tough… what helped was: Meetup (somewhat); sympathetic coworkers (a lot); meeting another guy, to whom I’m now happily married; and time. It took a long time for me to feel like I had a community of friends to call if I had a random Thursday night free and wanted to grab dinner – but I now has a really full social life. We have couple friends and just-me or just-him friends… so it just takes a while.

      I once heard two pieces of advice about coping socially after a breakup:
      1) make a practice of saying yes to every invitation you can reasonably attend. Someone invites you to a jazz concert, and you don’t like jazz? Go anyway – you get to socialize with other folks, you might discover jazz isn’t so terrible, you might meet someone interesting, etc.
      2) try to set up a social thing once a week. Could be hosting something at your space (if you have the spoons for that), or it could be, Hey I’m going to grab brunch at a new spot this weekend, do you want to join me?

      I also heard some advice from a really wise coworker who had been through a divorce. She said, if at all possible, don’t let your social life revolve entirely around your partner. You never know when that relationship will end, or even when they may need to travel, and you want to have some resources aside from them. I definitely struggle with this one (since it’s just so easy for him to be my automatic +1 to everything), but it IS really nourishing to have friends and a social life that don’t have to include him.

  58. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m still having trouble with sleep and waking up on time. I’m also having trouble with getting emotionally and mentally exhausted at work, coming home, and being basically non-functional. Which means I can’t do stuff like clean or work on other things I need to do at home.

    I am proud that I went to the gym every day I had planned to (Monday, Wednesday and Friday). Yesterday I barely made it there in time because I was overwhelmed and lying in bed for a few hours. But I did it.

    My mom is coming to visit me tonight. I need to clean up and rearrange stuff so she can have room to use the fold out mattress. Its kind of stressful because in the past she’s done some boundary trampling when she’s stayed with me, said some really inappropriate stuff and doubled down when I said no.

    It’s beautiful out and I plan to ride my bike at some point today, which I think will help with depression and sleep.

    How are you doing?

    1. Red*

      I’m finally doing pretty well, actually! I am so incredibly proud of myself for being almost caught up on schoolwork after last week’s Clusterfudge of Bad, which I thought might actually be impossible. I also have a psychiatrist and am greatly looking forward to that because I have a lot of anxiety impacting my life (hadn’t realized how bad it was because the bipolar was so overwhelming) and I can’t wait to have that solved. In addition, my husband had his first therapy visit and it went great! Apparently that practice even does medication management, which means he doesn’t have to go through the process of finding a new psychiatrist. It’s been a good week.

    2. Shrunken Hippo*

      I’m having a rough time. I forgot to take my medication on time one day that left me feeling weird and tired all day. I have to go on assistance because I can’t get a job, which makes me feel like even more of a failure. I’m not loving life and I haven’t been writing like I should. I just feel very blah.

    3. Mimmy*

      I’m okay at the moment, but I do sometimes fear that I’ll end up in a depression episode. I’ve never gotten to a point of requiring hospitalization, but these episodes can be brutal. I was so scared at times this year that my job would break me. It’s been relatively tolerable lately–I really hope I can keep it that way.

      One concern is that there’s a supervisor (not mine) at work who I think has some boundary issues. My direct supervisor, Penny, and the center manager, Leonard both noticed that I’ve been calm lately (which I think is contributing to the positive feedback I’ve been getting–very proud of this). I admitted to Penny that I thought it might be because the other supervisor, Bernadette, was out on medical leave. She just came back a couple of weeks ago and now I’m starting to feeling anxious again. I don’t want to get too much into it since this is the weekend thread. I am proud of one thing though: When Bernadette approached me at the end of Friday, I got a bit flustered but recovered quickly enough to shut down her questions with a short script suggested by Penny and Leonard.

      I am also struggling with not getting overwhelmed and anxious with all of the decisions I want/need to make. Some of it relates to job and career, but it’s a pattern in my personal life too. With the holidays coming up, there’s more to consider–presents, outfits, travel–ahhh! It runs the gamut–I just freeze sometimes when I have to decide whether to see a doctor about something, or deciding on new clothes and boots. Even deciding on whether to attend a couple of alumni events the week after thanksgiving is making me twitch.

      I should probably write all of this down and show my counselor when I see her on the 29th. I only see her once a month, and I sometimes wish those sessions could be longer because I have so much in my head.

    4. (Not So) Codependent*

      After multiple months of lovely peaceful minimal contact (couldn’t go full No Contact because kids), this past week my ex dumped a buttload of emotional crap on me, just all over the place. I wasn’t scheduled to see my therapist until December, but I told her I would take any cancellation that opened up because I cannot sit on this for three weeks. Fortunately she is able to get me in tomorrow.

      I’m struggling with Thanksgiving. For 10+ years, we hosted his family, 12-15 people all told. Christmas we bounced around a lot but Thanksgiving was always my time to shine. This year he just assumes that I’m fine with going to my grandparents or whatever and hasn’t acknowledged – probably doesn’t even register – that there is loss and grief for me around this, because for him everything is basically the same except it’s at his mom’s house instead of ours.

      99% of the time I am patting myself on the back for how awesome I am, but this last couple weeks have really blown chunks.

    5. Alexandra Lynch*

      I’m managing.
      I ghosted the family Thanksgiving on Sunday because my mother didn’t want anyone who wasn’t family or married in there, and that left out my boyfriend and girlfriend. Given that my sister tends to like to play nasty games with me as the target when it’s only family there, I just called this morning and gracefully declined on grounds of husband’s pain. (My mother doesn’t know I’m polyamorous.)

      Husband wrecked his bike about a month ago, and that’s been tough because pain brings out no one’s better qualities. It also screwed up my schedule; I’d been spending four days with Husband and three with Boyfriend, and that just suddenly wasn’t, and given that I have both Husband and Boyfriend at primary levels, that was painful for both Boyfriend and I. But we have coped, and Husband is enough better that if they leave him alone to heal from the ankle surgery til mid-December, he’ll be better enough for me to take a weekend away soon. So that is something to look forward to.

      Otherwise, I’m just keeping on keeping on; husband’s started to have some ankle swelling, and isn’t breathing as well as he was, and I’m resigned to what will be. (Husband has congestive heart failure, emphysema, diabetes, and a bad kidney. He refuses to change his diet or do anything other than take pills. The outcome is inevitable, and he’s in total denial.) I’ve got plans to start slowly converting our bedroom from a space that is a library plus bedroom for a couple into a space where it won’t be a problem if we need to make one of the single beds a hospital bed, move in oxygen apparatus, etc., and I’m starting to move on taking the books to Boyfriend’s, which helps a lot.

  59. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

    Anyone done Greece or Italy in Dec/Jan? Would you recommend going then? As a non-Christian who hates Christmas, would it be weird to be in either place over Christmas?

    1. bluesboy*

      I don’t think Italy is too weird at Christmas for a Christmas hater. I mean, there are decorations up in the streets, at least where I live, and trees in the shops, but I think you’ll find that in most Christian countries.

      Pretty much everything closes on the bank holidays (8th, 25th and 26th December, 1st and 6th January), do be aware of that while planning.

      It’s really difficult to be more helpful without knowing what sort of holiday you’re looking for. I mean, you could be doing the cultural thing, skiing in the Alps, shopping in Milan…but overall I don’t think it’s quite bad choice for that time of year. At least where I am it can get a bit nippy, but not as much as central or eastern Europe, and it doesn’t rain too much, so you can get around and see what you want to see.

      Personally I would normally suggest Spring, but I think that’s true of almost anywhere, I still think Italy works in winter.

      I should add that I really only know Northern Italy well personally, but from what I hear Southern Italy should work well too. People were apparently still going to the beach two weeks ago!

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Thanks! I’m mostly looking for cultural stuff (I love classics) and relaxing/getting away from where I am now to a place that’s at least somewhat warmer and sunnier than where I am now (London). Not a beach person and not planning on intense outdoorsy stuff beyond just, like, walking around some ruins and stuff.

        1. bluesboy*

          Italy isn’t necessarily warmer than London. The Atlantic keeps the UK temperature pretty stable, while Italy is more extreme – so hotter in the summer, and colder in the winter. Less chance of rain though.

          I don’t have average temperatures in front of me, but I would say you want a Rome/Naples/Sicily holiday rather than a Venice/Florence/Milan holiday in terms of weather. Further south you go, the warmer it will be.

          It’s practically the only place here I haven’t been to yet, but I think Sicilia might be the way to go. Best weather, amazingly cultural (invaded by basically everyone so a really unique mix), great food, and cheaper than the mainland outside tourist season.

          2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            Thanks! I’m flexible on where I go within Italy (not wedded to seeing X or Y–Italy seems like one of those places that has super interesting stuff everywhere anyway), so I could definitely aim more toward the south. Sicily sounds interesting–I’ll have to take a look at what’s there/how easy it is to get there.

    2. Sabine the Very Mean*

      I wasn’t always this way! I used to be the way I was before! And I come from the place where I’m from! Any Questions?

    3. Becky*

      I was in Italy and Greece a few years ago around Nov/Dec, I may have been too early for most of the Christmas decorations but I don’t remember it being too bad.
      I’m not sure what you consider cultural stuff or classics, but most of the historic sites (the Colosseum, Pompeii, the acropolis) you can’t really tell its near a holiday–they don’t drape them in lights and tinsel or anything. However, if you intend to visit any of the Christian cultural sites (Milan Duomo, the Sistine Chapel, Santa Maria Delle Grazie) you might see more Christmas stuff.

      (I know you said you are non-Christian, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t intend to see the Christian sites, so I thought I would include that, but if you don’t please disregard.)

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Thanks! I just wasn’t sure if it was going to be weirdly over-Christmasy or anything. I’m not going to run screaming or get offended by the mere presence of Christmas lights, but I also don’t want to be basically preached to, you know what I mean? I’m still in the vague stages of planning and not sure where exactly I’d be going (though it seems like the south would be better for this time of year), so while I’m not necessarily ruling Christian sites out, I’m going more for ancient Roman-type stuff and for food.

    4. Aealias*

      I did Italy over Christmas a decade ago (!) and the only days I found impacted were Dec 24 and 25. It was REALLY hard to get food for Christmas Day (any food) when we arrived in Rome late-ish on the 24th. But the pope’s midnight mass was the only really Christmassy thing O saw, and otherwise I might not have noticed the holiday at all.

      Except street-roasted chestnuts everywhere. But that’s more winter-awesome to my mind.

      The weather in Bergamo and Naples was nippy, but everywhere else was nice. It was sunny and reasonably warm when we were in Venice, and the streets were only lightly populated with tourists, making it easy to leisurely enjoy the city. Off-season travel for the win! Our hotel in Palermo was chilly, when it was 4’ C outside, and they didn’t seem equipped with extra blankets, but we were also staying CHEAP.

      Sicily was spectacularly beautiful, especially (sorry about this) the churches. My favourite was built back-half gothic, front half …Byzantine, I think? And the contrast in styles was amazing. Florence and the Uffizi museum was also a wonderful visit for a culture-geek.

      Basically, don’t fear the season, pack warm for the weather, and I can’t recommend it enough.

      Also, the Mediterranean has really long winter days (to my northern-trained senses) and you can do a ton with your daylight.

  60. Anonymous Educator*

    I dragged my spouse to see a band in concert that I really like. She was gracious about it, but it also turns out she now loves the opening act band! So turns out we both win.

    Any bands you now like that you discovered via them being the opening act to another band?

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Not me, but I used to work at a concert pavilion. When Keane opened for The Killers, I had a bunch of people come up to me and ask who they were because they wanted to buy their album later.

    2. Cristina in England*

      Yes. I saw Martha Wainwright open for her father once and I totally fell for her. I have seen her a bunch more times since, have bought every album, etc.

    3. Lcsa99*

      My husband and I found a couple great bands that way. We love going to see old 80s bands and while some of them still have it, a few really don’t. One of those that turned out really bad had an awesome local band opening for them and we ended up getting a couple of their albums.

    4. kas*

      Yes, there are a few r&b artists I listen to now after hearing them open up for an artist at a concert.

      There was also a group that I listened to for a while (can’t remember their name) after hearing them for the first time at a concert. They replaced a very big artist who dropped out last minute so I didn’t even want to see them but they turned out to be great.

    5. PM-NYC*

      I went to a Kate Herzig concert a few years ago & the opener was Elizabeth & the Catapults who I had never heard of but now love. Had the same experience with The Head and the Heart opening for I think The Decemberists. I love discovering new bands that way.

    6. The Ginger Ninja*

      I’m pretty sure that’s how my dad first discovered the Guess Who (this is obviously way back in the day, haha). If I remember the story correctly, they were opening for a band called Flash Cadillac and the Continental Kids.

    7. Tris Prior*

      Yes! I had no idea who the Dresden Dolls were until they opened for Nine Inch Nails. Still love them, though I am meh on Amanda Palmer’s solo stuff.

    8. Gala apple*

      Yes! Great question. Jill Andrews, who I heard open for Sean Watkins. She was back in town opening for another band a year later, and I went to the show to see her, and ended up loving the band she opened for (Drew Holcombe and the Neighbors)!

    9. Not my usual handle*

      Last night I saw Senser and Credit to the Nation were the second support. They were really good.

      We got into Editors when they opened for Franz Ferdinand.

    11. Anonymous Educator*

      Thanks for all the replies! For the record, the concert I went to was for Tennis, and the opening act was Wild Ones.

  61. Lady Jay*

    Anyone watching The Good Place? I started it last night and . . . I kind of like it. It’s nice to have a TV show in bright, primary colors with characters I actually like, especially after all the grimness of the last year. I’m only two episodes in – no spoilers! :)

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      Keep watching – it just gets better and better! I wasn’t convinced and only tried it because I love Kristen Bell and because Netflix kept suggesting it to me. But I loved it. Am currently going through withdrawal as the next s2 episode isn’t out until January!

    3. Felicia*

      I love it! Every character Kristen Bell plays is just so naturally likeable, it’s perfect for her character in the Good Place

      1. Lady Jay*

        Oh, yes! I didn’t think I was going to like her in Ep. 1, but by Ep. 2 she’s already growing on me! :) But that name . . . :)

      2. AnonAndOn*

        I realize that it’s a typo (not nitpicking…typos happen), but that reminds me of the episode when Tahani’s parents misspelled her name on their will as “Tahini.”

    5. Overeducated*

      I love it. I was skeptical for most of season 1 but they hooked me, and season 2 has been even more delightful.

    6. Ron McDon*

      I binge-watched both seasons on Netflix recently, and love it! I love the cliffhangers at the end of each episode.

      It gets better and better as series 1 goes on. I didn’t like series 2 so much at the start, but started to get into it a couple of episodes in, and can’t wait for the new episodes to come out in January!

      I love Eleanor and Chidi, but I find Jianyu annoying…

    7. Claire (Scotland)*

      I started watching a few weeks ago and just caught up to the latest episode last week. I loved it all. I’m not usually a fan of comedies as they tend to be cringe-inducing for me but this show avoids all that nicely.

      It also helps that I teach philosophy and religious studies, so am spotting lots of bits I can use to illustrate lessons :)

    8. Becky*

      I love it! I binged the first season on Netflix in about two days. I need to catch up on season 2, I missed the past few episodes.

    9. Call me St. Vincent*

      I love this show! The first couple episodes were a little hokey and I wasn’t sure at first but it gets SO good. One of my favorite shows right now.

  62. ann perkins*

    Has anyone ever contested a ticket before and won? I got a ticket from a cop who claims I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt when I absolutely was. Had no idea why I was getting pulled over, so had taken off my seatbelt before he approached me in anticipation of having to reach for my license in my purse. My car beeps incessantantly at you if you don’t have the belt on. Not to mention I always wear it. I’m so annoyed that I am going to contest out of principal even though most people say I will lose simply because it is my word against the cop’s. Thoughts or advice much appreciated!

    1. Katie the Fed*

      I would definitely contest it! But FYI – I learned recently that you REALLY shouldn’t go fishing around in your car for your license/registration before the cop is at your window. They see you moving and don’t know if you’re reaching for a gun, and in this current trigger-happy environment that’s not something you want to risk. I got myself surrounded by police when I did something similar.

      1. ann perkins*

        Oh yeah I wasn’t digging for anything yet. I had just taken my seatbelt off knowing I would have to. I was completely still for the exact reason you mentioned.

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      No advice, but they have to catch you in the act of speeding. Does the officer have to catch you -driving- without the seatbelt? I know it’s tough to spot, so maybe not.

      1. WellRed*

        I think typically, they pull you over for something else and if you aren’t wesring the seatbelt, then you could get ticketed for that.

        1. copy run start*

          In some states, they can pull you over for not wearing a seatbelt. In others, they have to pull you over for something else, but if they see your seatbelt is off, they can add that on too.

    3. Rogue*

      I fought a seat belt ticket and won, but only because I hadn’t removed my seatbelt until I was no longer on the road, but on private property (a atore’s parking lot).

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You have the legal right to do that.

      It is up to the officer to prove that you were not wearing your safety belt beyond a reasonable doubt.

      I think what you should do is have someone else drive your car for you and use your phone to video what happens if you do not have a safety belt on. (Video it on private property, like a friend’s long driveway.)

      Bring that video with you to court. Show the judge/prosecuting attorney. Ask for the ticket to be dismissed.

      They can say no. They can offer you a lesser charge/fine. You can chose to accept or not. You probably can bring it to trial, but expect everyone- the prosecution, the judge and officer to be doing a hard eye roll at this point.

      However, with that video you might win. IANAL. I was married to someone who was VERY interested in fighting traffic tickets and did so successfully. I let him defend me on my tickets and he got me out from under also. (But I learned my lessons.) There are books out on the subject of how to defend yourself.

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

      I once got a $250 ticket for speeding in a construction zone on an interstate overpass. The way it was set up there was no warning that there was construction ahead until you were almost ready to merge into the other lanes. It was very dark and the state patrol had set up a whole operation with at least a dozen cars hiding in the dark to pull over and ticket every single person who came up the ramp. It was like an assembly line.

      I went to court to contest it because of the setup, and there were several other people who had tickets the same night there. The judge reduced every ticket to $20.

    6. Call me St. Vincent*

      I’ve contested a ticket for something I actually did and won! I made a right turn on red in an intersection that for 20 or more years didn’t have a no turn on red sign (and it’s a four way stop and the ONLY part that has one). They had recently added the sign and placed an officer there to monitor all the hundreds of people who didn’t even think to look for the brand new sign. The officer felt really bad because everyone turned right on red there and told me to plead not guilty. I did and showed up at court and said that the officer said to plead not guilty because the sign was new and they dismissed it.

      1. Zathras*

        I feel like this is what warnings are supposed to be for. Pull people over, alert them to the presence of the new sign, explain that you are entitled to ticket them but you will not today because the sign is new, and send them on their way.

        Or they could have put up one of those temporary construction signs with the message “new traffic pattern begins MM/DD – no turn on red” for two weeks before adding the sign. I’ve seen that done when they’ve repainted an intersection to add or remove a separate turn lane.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Believe me I tried for the warning :) I think they were monitoring tickets and expected a lot of them. The officer was pretty sheepish about it all.

  63. Ramona Flowers*

    This post mentions suicide and childhood abuse, though not in any specific detail. Please read with care.

    Some years ago, a work colleague died by suicide and the company broke the news really badly. They put a story on the intranet with his name as the heading and I thought he must have won an award – only to discover he had just died. I didn’t work in the same office with him any more. Jane, who did, tried to call and tell me the news before I saw it that way, and the kindness of that was important to me.

    I haven’t seen Jane in years as she moved abroad, but we were still in touch through a Facebook group for freelance teapot makers that we both belonged to. Recently, she misunderstood something I said about #metoo, which was that some people didn’t feel able to post, and it was upsetting seeing comments saying if only every woman would post it. (I’m going to ask that anyone who wants to discuss that in particular starts a separate thread, as I don’t have the bandwidth for it.) She just completely misunderstood and accused me of trying to dictate what she could post on social media. I ended up sending her a private message saying actually I’m a survivor of childhood abuse and I was just trying to explain that it doesn’t feel psychologically okay for some people to post this including me as it was likely to trigger my PTSD.

    Well, she wouldn’t stop. I simply said please stop, you are being abusive and I am going to block you if you continue. She said “no I won’t stop” (irony was not lost on me), go on then fine block her, that she hated passive aggressive people and that I wasn’t going to like everything I read on social media. She just had it in her head that I was saying something completely different. I didn’t try to argue back. I just blocked her. But the whole thing was shocking to experience, especially from a work contact. And I felt quite bruised by how she just disregarded the disclosure I had made. (I’ve told very few people and this is the first time I’ve regretted it after.)

    Then someone from my current workplace died, which made me remember the last time and remenber Jane’s kindness then. And there’s nothing to say to that really, it’s just sad.

    1. Junior Dev*

      Hugs. I’m sorry you’re going through this all right now. How awful of Jane to respond that way to your disclosure of a painful subject.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Some times rotten people do good things.
      Some times good people do rotten things.

      It’s hard to know which one is happening. People should come with signs on them so we know the rotten people up front.

      I am sorry all this happened to you. So many rotten things all chained together. It is sad.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Thanks, NSNR. I’m not sure I’ve ever told you how I appreciate your thoughtful and kind posts.

    3. NorCalPM*

      People are a mixed bag. They’re not 100% consistent. They’re not machines. She was kind and considerate in one situation, and obtuse and mean in another. That happens, and it’s normal for people to show different facets of themselves in different situations.

      She may have been dealing irrationally with you because that particular topic sends her off the deep end, triggers her. You did the right thing blocking her when she didn’t respect you, didn’t listen to you, and attacked you verbally.

      Yes, it’s a sad situation. I’m sorry it was so painful for you.

    4. Harriet*

      It’s sounds like such a difficult situation to be in – she was very kind to you during a tough time, but has also responded horribly to your disclosure of abuse and (deliberately?) misunderstood, and then the memory of her kindness was brought back to you. As a fellow survivor, I’ve also had an experience where I regretted disclosure and it’s a horrible feeling.
      No wise words, just I’m really sorry this happened.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I appreciate the kind words, thank you. And I’m so so sorry you’ve experienced feeling bad after disclosing.

  64. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    (I thought I posted this before but I think the site ate my comment)

    I’m proud of getting myself to the gym every day I planned to, and getting some things done I was stressed about.

    I’m struggling with sleep, getting up on time, getting places on time, and having energy to do anything besides lie in bed when I come home in the evening.

    Kind of stressed out about dealing with various boundary-stomping relatives over Thanksgiving but at least I’m staying in town and can go home easily.

    How are you?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m sorry you’re still struggling with your sleep – really well done on getting to the gym though.

      I am struggling with big reactions to small things, which tends to happen when I’m a bit overwhelmed. I damaged a much loved piece of limited edition jewellery and was heartbroken – but there’s a happy ending as I contacted the manufacturer on Facebook and it turned our their store was open until 7pm and could repair it on the spot and replace a necessary part all for £5. But before I knew that I was just really upset and berating myself. When I’m okay I can cope with setbacks. When I’m not so okay my ability to cope deserts me.

      I’m proud of separating a lot of feelings and facts lately, asking myself ‘what is the evidence for that’ and realising I’m just being irrational and my feelings should be taken seriously but not literally.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Struggling with: This entire week. And the news from this entire week (tax bill, all the harassment stuff). In other news, I outed my predators (blog link in my name). That was super hard. A good friend supported me through it. But I needed to do it and all the kerfuffle gave me the strength to talk about something that I’d never talked about (a thing I mentioned but didn’t detail).

      Proud of: I’ll get back to you.

      1. Caledonia*

        Elizabeth you should be proud of yourself for writing so eloquently about something so hard and horrific.

      2. nep*

        Wow. My heart was pounding reading that post on your blog. You are brave and strong. Thanks for writing that and sharing it here. I am sitting here applauding you, heart still pounding and a lump in my throat. You inspire me and make me feel stronger. Thank you.

      3. Effie*

        You could definitely be proud of yourself for being brave and honest, even if you don’t feel like you can. I am so honored that you shared your experience and slices of your life with us. Thank you.

      4. Red*

        Wow. You are f’ing AMAZING for doing this. I am so proud, and I am also offering you the biggest internet hug in the world if you want it. Heck, if you’re ever in my area, I’ll give you a real one – that’s how brave this was.

    3. NoMoreMrFixit*

      I’m doing ok. Still looking for a job but hopeful something will turn up. Problem is I’m in a flooded market but I keep going. Been off antidepressants for a year now and still going strong. Not easy but I feel better overall. Faith plays a large part of that for me.

      Having an escape plan is always a good thing when it comes to overbearing relatives. Seriously, what is it with holidays that brings out the inner jerk in some folks?

    4. Allypopx*

      Good: There’s a light at the end of the tunnel with my crazy schedule! Both my job and my classes end at the end of December. The end point being in sight is making me feel much more motivated.

      Bad: I’ve had some chest tightness the last few days. Not bad, just like I can feel my pulse. Like just general fatigue after a run. That happens sometimes when I’m anxious, but it’s been a little more present this week. I’m gonna try cutting down on caffiene and I have a dr appt soon, but it’s getting into my head and worrying me.

    5. Effie*

      Kinda blue. I’m thankful to see that other posters are having romantic relationship problems because it makes me feel less alone. I’ve been seeing a guy for a little over a month and I really really like him and he doesn’t like me nearly as much as I like him (we’ve talked about this). He is decent and respectful and a bunch of other awesome things and he has said several times that he likes my body, my mind, and my heart and lately it just feels like he likes my body sometimes and he doesn’t really like me. Pretty bummed. It sucks to feel not wanted by anyone romantically. I had a mini meltdown yesterday about how unlucky I’ve been romantically (doing better today).

      Also, this morning, a family member was admitted for emergency surgery.

      On the plus side, I have an awesome boss and awesome family members. I also practiced two times this week for my upcoming dance competition and I taught/took class four days so that’s six days out of seven of activity! Now to apply that motivation to my eating habits…still trying to cut back on fried foods. Am semi-successful. Look at the glass as half full?

    6. Cristina in England*

      I am proud of myself for not losing my shit at my 4yo today during her sugar crash (midday birthday party, cake at 2pm, crash at 4). She was screaming and hitting me and kept trying to close the kitchen door even after I told her about a dozen times not to. I am not proud that I locked myself in the kitchen, in my defence I was trying to cook so she could actually eat some real food, and she was hitting me while I was at the stove. In retrospect I might have given her a bigger / different snack once it all kicked off but by then it was too late.

      I am so emotionally drained by her tantrums.

      I am trying to connect with her in positive ways and I am struggling not to get into a really punitive spiral with her, but I have decided she is not going to the next two birthday parties scheduled, who are for people we barely know. I am not traveling an hour each way by public transport just to endure a post-party meltdown. Did that once last year, took two hours to get home.

      I absolutely hate myself over my struggles in my relationship with her, and I know I engage in negative ways and start to act immaturely myself, and when provoked my lizard brain takes over and I hate my lizard brain. Sigh. Anyway, I started out saying I was proud of myself then spiralled because there is now so much weight pulling down our relationship that everything that happens now just feels more significant. I am constantly correcting her and I am trying to bite my tongue more but honestly, please stop licking everything when you have a cold! Don’t encourage your brother to draw on the wall and climb on the sofa! She gets a thrill from doing something forbidden and it is driving me up the wall.

      Thanks for listening.

      1. Junior Dev*

        I honestly don’t know how parents of misbehaving kids can stand it. I think everything you’re talking about sounds really awful to have to go through. Like, she’s a kid and she can’t really control her emotions yet, but you know that. You’re still a human and it’s still very difficult not to get upset when someone is intentionally antagonizing you.

        1. Cristina in England*

          Thank you. Yes the lizard brain goes wild even though she is just little and not an actual threat to me.

      2. Elkay*

        As a former tantrum throwing kid, we get better, or at least we vocalise better. Even now in my mid 30s I get that same tantrum urge and it’s not because I want to misbehave or cause trouble it’s because I’m feeling out of control (sugar crashes do that too). Well done on not losing your sh*t because it’s not an easy thing to do.

    7. Anon for right now*

      Struggling with: My social “lens” is so broken that I’m reading everything as a sign that people don’t like me. I was in a crafting club meeting thinking none of them like me and they think my project is tacky. I was talking with two people after another meeting and thought the reason they both were suddenly standing further away from me was because they didn’t like me and not (as I realized later) because they were moving away from other people so as not to be heard. This is new and a bit disconcerting. I’ve always had this base insecurity that people don’t like me and that I’m a giant, socially inept weirdo but it’s never been this bad.

      Proud of: I’ve been challenging many of my negative thoughts with: “that’s not helpful.”

      1. nep*

        I like your challenge to negative thoughts.
        (Completely can relate on the ‘people don’t like me’ thing.)

    8. Mischa*

      Hey, hey! I get to have fun with boundary crossing relatives, too! One in particular is making me worry. I don’t quite know how to react to my cousin. We are close in age, but we’ve never quite gotten along. To complicate matters, he’s on the autism spectrum and has said many horrible things to me, but I’m not sure how to react. I don’t want to be insensitive, but I also do want to be the target for nasty comments. Does anyone have any advice? I’m tired of the badgering and snide comments about my life choices. My usual reaction is to just leave the room.

      Depression improving, then I had a pretty bad plateauing effect with the meds. We increased the dose again and that’s really helping. It’s law school exam season so I’m trying to just keep it together. Looking forward to Star Wars after my contracts exam.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Your cousin reminds me of this letter:

        https://captainawkward.com/2015/02/27/673-my-insufferable-brother-is-ruining-all-the-time-i-spend-with-my-family-winter-pledge-drive/

        I’d try taking the tack of responding to rude statements with “please don’t” + name the behavior (insult me, speculate about my sex life, judge my finances, etc.) or “I don’t want to discuss” + inappropriate topic. And be a broken record if he keeps at it. Unless your family is really committed to enabling bad behavior, I think that saying that in a firm but neutral tone can be framed as helpful to him–if he struggles with social skills, you’re doing him a favor by explaining exactly what he needs to do differently, right?

        I know, it’s not always that simple…

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I worked with adults with serious disabilities for years.
        My best advice is to learn to detach. And I do think that this is something we have to teach ourselves how to do. I have been punched, kicked and called every name in the book. I will say I had the “luxury” of knowing this was not my family member and it was not personal.
        Detaching:
        –People’s difficulties wear on them. Even a so-called well person* can become irritable and down right nasty in some settings. (*I believe that we all have something that is a burden for us to carry through life. I don’t believe anyone has ideal health.)
        –You are correct to have a plan to deal with the recurring remarks. And once you get a plan you may find you need to tweak it every so often, because what works this week may not work next week. We would say “That’s not appropriate.” Then we would walk away just as you do. You might say, “That is not very nice” and then walk away. Recently I told someone that was they were doing was “NOT cool” and the phrasing seem to catch their attention.
        –Find ways to share less information, he does not handle information appropriately. I don’t know if he will in the future or if he never will. Always protect yourself first, in your story here, the less he knows the better off you are.
        — Find people who seem to be doing better with him and watch what they are doing. Copy or create your own version of what they are doing.
        –Change your expectations, whatever those expectations may be. Try to figure out what he does well with and try to find ways to engage on those topics/activities.

    9. Alexandra Duane*

      I struggle with coming home from work and just collapsing into a heap, too. I have found that it helps to decide on a task to do after work (make the plan the day before), writing it down in steps, so that it has a definite “I’m done with this” point. Make it just something you can do in 15 or 20 minutes. I make sure not to get comfortable or do anything else when I get home – no snack or TV on or anything, just take off my coat and right away do the task. It’s usually something like start a load of laundry or clean the litter box, vacuum one room, water the plants, something that doesn’t require any decision-making or require any other jobs to be done first (what a friend refers to as but-first tasks).
      I’m not 100% successful – sometimes I still just become a wilted vegetable as soon as I get home – but that’s okay, as long as I don’t wilt every day. I feel better about myself, I get into my jammies feeling a little victory over entropy, and once in a while I even decide to do another small task.
      Hope this helps.

  65. paul*

    Work/personal split but mostly personal.

    My friend that really needed a new job got one out of state. It’s a level or two up for him, and I’m excited for his family but I’m bummed out–both for myself and our kids (both families have kids around the same age and they’re good friends). My 5 year old cried when he found out today and it’s got me all choked up.

    It’ll make leaving this town easier though since they’re the last friends we still had living here.

  66. The Other Dawn*

    (For anyone following, dad died in March, brother died in July, and we’re selling my parents’ house and settling dad’s estate.)

    So, the last two days I’ve been up at my parents’ house (out of state) getting my sister (B) packed and moved to her new place. We finally closed the sale on the house yesterday and it’s over! Did her closing, too.

    Sister B told sister A that she was “living on the bare minimum and was mostly packed.” A and I got to the house on Thursday night and holy sh!t! Stuff everywhere, closets still full, lots of stuff still on shelves, etc….and the closing was the next day! I seriously don’t know what the hell she did the last couple weeks after A left (A was there to grab a few things and check up on her progress). Needless to say, we had a ton of packing to do. WE packed the boxes and bags, WE packed the truck, WE picked up more empty boxes. B…I don’t really know what B did. She didn’t pack anything in the truck. She packed a few boxes and bags, but A and I easily did 90% of the work. Had to clean out the fridge, freezer, food cabinets, pots and pans. Everything. And thankfully B’s daughter and boyfriend helped move/pack the furniture, because I’m still in PT for my annular tear and bulging discs, and A has back problems, too.

    We went to the hotel Thursday night and B said she would pack more, pack some stuff on the truck, etc. A and I got there yesterday morning and almost nothing had been touched since we left the night before. I don’t know what B did all night, as she said she stayed up until 4:30 am. We were pissed, to say the least, but we jumped in and got it done; we had three hours until the walk-through and closing. A went to our closing while I stayed behind to supervise B (who is 15 years OLDER than me, BTW…). That was stressful, because I had to work hard to keep her on track while I rushed around checking everything (still found lots of stuff that had to be packed…even clothes that were still in the dryer!). I made her pack the rest of the stuff onto the truck since she hadn’t done any of that the night before. And I made her pack all the odd-shaped stuff I didn’t want to deal with. :)

    Our buyers were VERY generous: they told B that they weren’t moving in for another week so she could come back and get the stuff that was left. When it was time for B’s closing, the whole garage was still FULL and so was the porch. But the house was empty, except for a few items the buyers said they wanted.

    Oh, and that’s another thing: the buyers told B early on to leave anything she didn’t want because they had nothing and would probably use it. Then, during the walk-through, they changed their minds, which meant we had to figure out how to get rid of it. It was either bring it to the dump or leave it at the curb. Either way, none of us could lift the stuff and daughter’s boyfriend was at work. We were not happy, and neither was our realtor. BUT we should have gotten something in writing from the buyers about it, so there wasn’t much that could be done. In the end, the buyers came back with our realtor and agreed to keep certain things. Most of rest we put at the curb. We had to leave a few items, because we just had no way to move them, and the papers had been signed at that point anyway.

    We also had a major issue to deal with in the 11th hour–well pump died. We were able to get it replaced, but it cost us $1,500.00.

    And B backed into her house with the moving truck while trying to back it up. She looked away for a second while I was directing her and she didn’t see me gesture or hear me yelling for her to stop. There was a little damage, but nothing bad. Ah, karma.

    I am SO, SO happy this is over with and we don’t have to think about it anymore! A and I were so happy to see the home state welcome sign last night!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! We’re so thankful that B’s daughter and the daughter’s boyfriend were there Thursday night. Had they not been there, it would have taken us forever to get the furniture out. They were a huge help! Unfortunately the boyfriend was stuck helping B unpack the truck by herself last night and making a few more truck runs today, but it couldn’t be helped; A had to get back to her sick husband and an unexpected foster kid issue.

  67. Lady Jay*

    Question: Is Office 365 the latest incarnation of the Microsoft Office suite? I’m replacing my Mac and being advised to add Office 365 to it. I love Microsoft Word but hatehatehate onedrive and want to make sure they’re not the same thing?

    Off to Google it now but thought I’d ask you all too.

    1. NoMoreMrFixit*

      It’s the online version of Office. Sort of MS version of Google Docs. I haven’t looked closely but I think they have a monthly fee for use. Could be wrong as I haven’t looked into it since it was first announced.

      If you want the traditional local install of Office get Office 2016 instead.

    2. CAA*

      Office 365 is a subscription service that includes the Office 2016 desktop, mobile and web apps as well as Skype and 1 TB of OneDrive storage. It’s $70/year for one license or $100/year for 5 licenses.

      I am not sure what you mean about hating OneDrive. It’s just cloud storage for your files, same as Google Drive, DropBox, etc, and it works the same way those services do. Are you possibly mixing up the online version of Word with OneDrive? Those are two separate things. If you subscribe to Office 365 you get both the online Word and desktop Word. I wouldn’t try to create a document or do serious editing using online Word (or iPad Word), but it’s come in handy occasionally when I was away from my regular computer.

      1. Al Lo*

        Ugh, OneDrive is the worst. OneDrive for Business and OneDrive Personal don’t play nicely together; OneDrive for Business has a terrible interface for their sync options; OneDrive with SharePoint doesn’t do the same things as the other OneDrive for Business….

        We use it at work because we have a non-profit license for Office 365 that gets us the product for super cheap. Which is great for our Office Suite, but I really dislike using OneDrive in that context.

        1. CAA*

          Oh I see, that does sound annoying. I think Lady Jay is talking about personal use since she’s buying Office for her own Mac.

        2. Lady Jay*

          Hurrah, another person who hates OneDrive! I am an educator and students will occasionally submit work via OneDrive, and it’s much harder to access/comment their work than via Google Drive. Additionally, I have access to OneDrive through an online school I’m enrolled in, and it is just *not* as intuitive as the G-Suite. Love Word and PowerPoint and Excel, hate just about everything else for Microsoft.

          I will likely go with 2016, because I don’t like the idea of buying a subscription to features that I have to have for my work. That way, whatever my financial/technological situation in the future, I have the software on my computer.

  68. anon for this*

    Hey, I have a friendship question and I’m not sure who to ask.

    My friend is trying to get pregnant. Recently she said, “I have big news!” and I said, “ooh, are you…?” (we’re good friends). She said, “Too early to tell, but I felt myself ovulating while we had sex, and I thought ‘this is it!'” I was surprised but wished her well. Two weeks later I asked if she’d tested yet*, and she said, “No, I miscarried.” A week later, she used the term “miscarriage” again to describe it.

    This is bothering me more than I feel like it should. Isn’t it weird to call it a miscarriage when she doesn’t even know if the egg fertilized or anything? Is it… I don’t know, upsetting to women who suffered the loss of an actual for-sure embryo?

    Should I let it go? Should I try to talk to her about it? Advice welcome please! I’m genuinely open to hearing that I’m wrong (if I am), or what I should do if I’m right. Thanks.

    *I think it’s okay to ask her this question, because we’re good friends, and I am positive she’s not bothered by me asking. What I’m really wondering about is how she’s using the term “miscarriage” and whether I should… say something about it? I don’t know!

    1. Allypopx*

      I keep typing a response to this and deleting it.

      I don’t know if I’m right, but this would really bother me. Miscarriages can be really painful. This is just…getting your period when you’re trying to get pregnant. Which can also be very hard! It’s an emotional process. But god I would worry about her having this conversation with the wrong person and really, really hurting them. Or making someone think they have someone who can commiserate with their experience and then having the rug pulled out.

      She seems like she’s getting ahead of herself with her expectations. I get that. She’s excited. But…no. This sits so wrong with me.

      Should you say something? I don’t know. I would. You know her best. It might not be worth putting your relationship on the rocks over. But “hey, that’s not really an appropriate way to describe that, but I’m sorry you haven’t had any luck yet” wouldn’t be out of place.

      1. anon for this*

        This is kind of what I’m thinking! But I have never been pregnant nor miscarried, so I really really wanted to check with others. Thanks. I’d love other responses.

    2. Lissa*

      I knew someone who did this. She was late on her period, decided she had been pregnant, and then named the would-be-maybe-baby and talked about herself as having lost a child. It was really odd and awkward, but we were also only 17 or 18 at the time. Still…it was fairly…eek. I never would’ve said a word but was privately weirded out.

    3. Turtlewings*

      I guess you don’t know for sure that she didn’t miscarry. For instance, she may have tested positive, and then negative a few days later, which would technically be a miscarriage. While not physically or (one would think) emotionally as traumatic as a later miscarriage, it may in fact qualify and she may be find some comfort in putting a label on her distress that communicates how it feels to her.

      1. Belle*

        With the short amount of time, it would most like be considered a chemical pregnancy and not a miscarriage if she tested positive and then negative. I had this happen — it is still very painful but the doctors classify it differently because it is so early.

        1. Turtlewings*

          Ah, I didn’t know there was a difference. Still, if that’s what happened, it might explain why she’s using the term.

    4. HannahS*

      Oh gosh that’s so hard. I’d really echo everything Allypopx said. I think it’s worth talking about with her, and I think it’s valuable to acknowledge to yourself that no matter how you say it, correcting her language around a painful emotional experience is going to hurt her feelings. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong to do it, and obviously you’ll do it as kindly as you can, but it’s going to hurt her. In your position, I’d want to say something, but, like you, I’d struggle to. I have similar-ish situations ongoing with friends around the language of mental illness, and it’s goes against the grain to tell someone not to describe their own experiences in a way that’s comforting to them. But words have meanings, and truth–even when we’re just talking to ourselves–matters.

      I’d say, let it go in the moment, but raise it later. Maybe it would work to start with something like, “Friend, I’ve been noticing that when you try to get pregnant, and it doesn’t take, you’ve been describing it to me as a miscarriage, and I’m a little concerned. Is there a reason why you’re using that word?” Then maybe you’ll get some insight into whether it’s because she literally just doesn’t know what a miscarriage is, or because she’s in much more emotional distress than you’re realizing, or because she hasn’t really thought about it, or because she’s getting a lot more compassion from others by describing it that way, or because she’s spinning a tragic fantasy for herself…any one of which would get a different follow-up from you. You can remind her that there’s nothing wrong with saying to herself and others that every month that she doesn’t get pregnant it feels like a loss, and she’s devastated by it, and needs to grieve.

    5. Ann O.*

      Yes, it is weird. So is thinking you feel yourself ovulating during sex and had the egg definitely get fertilized.

      However, I would let it go because odds of anything good coming out of talking to her about it is low. You can re-evaluate if this becomes a trend rather than a temporary weirdness. Or if she expects major sympathy/allowances as a result of her supposed miscarriage.

      1. Janelle*

        Ha tell my body you can’t tell your ovulating. I always know and when was trying to get pregnant and testing with OPk was never wrong. You can have very clear symptoms and know. Also many cramp a bit as the egg is released.

        1. Ann O.*

          Oh, I know about the general feeling of ovulation. I get that sometimes, too (although there’s a lot of other sensation going on during sex… or should be anyway!). But you can’t feel fertilization. My sentence was pretty poorly written, but I meant both parts to go together.

          1. JD*

            Oh ya now if someone thinks they can feel fertilization. Wow. I mean I can’t even feel my legs when things go right.

            That’s just a little out there to think.

      1. Book Lover*

        It is called mittelschmerz and some women do feel it, I believe? That said, I would imagine sex would be pretty distracting. And also, ovulating during sex obviously doesn’t mean fertilization or implantation would occur. In this case, sounds like either confusion or maybe a chemical pregnancy if she had a positive test very early.

      2. Melody Pond*

        Ohh, I beg to differ. I regularly get ovulation pains, and it hurts. I can even tell which ovary (on my left or right side) it is.

        2. soupmonger*

          Yeah, but can you tell to the exact second when an egg has been released? There’s a lot of woo going on here…

          1. Book Lover*

            Um, that is exactly what ovulation is. An egg is released from a follicular cyst and that can cause pain. On the other hand, fertilization can not occur at the moment of ovulation and can not be sensed. But that is a separate issue.

            1. soupmonger*

              Um, I know what ovulation is. Just do not believe that some people are so sensitive to the exact second it happens?

              1. Book Lover*

                But that is the point, that is exactly what mittelschmerz is, the pain of the egg leaving a cyst at a specific moment in time. I have never felt it, but I believe it when people say they do, and it would be the moment of ovulation.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      What would you like for an outcome here, the correct use of the word miscarriage?

      Your friend is telling you that she has experience a type of loss. I can’t see where correcting word choice is going to be supportive. Tell her that you are sorry for her loss/upset and let it go.

      FWIW, you are not responsible for protecting other women from upset stemming for your friend’s word choice. I am not sure why these other women are a concern at this point, not intending any disrespect to anyone here. What I see is a private conversation between two friends. I don’t see where this is going to go out and impact too many other people. I see an overarching point of one friend telling another: “I have experienced what is a huge disappointment for me.” Why not just say, “Gosh, I am so sorry, hon”.

      You can encourage her to talk to a doc and help her sort out various particulars that might be of concern to her.
      I would aim for the big picture perspective rather than the details.

      1. Em*

        Plus one. Even if she’s a close friend, you don’t know all of the details. I was pregnant for about a month & miscarried & it was devastating, like I’m still having a hard time with it more than a year later. I went to a support group session & there were women there who had had chemical pregnancies.

        If she wants to call it a miscarriage, let her. Why say something that hurts her, when she may be going through the emotional ringer? If she says it to her doctor, s/he can correct her, but I guess I’m not seeing how you correcting her helps.

        1. Em*

          Btw, I really appreciate that you’re seeking outside counsel before talking/not talking to her. Much respect!

    8. LilySparrow*

      If you have had a miscarriage and it upsets you, then you can talk to her about how you feel.

      But wanting a baby and having to deal with the reality that fertility is largely outside your control…it does wierd things to people.

      It does sound like she’s practicing some magical thinking, but it’s not really a friend’s place to police her feelings and judge whether she’s processing this “correctly” or whether she “deserves” to grieve.

      If you want to back off from all the tmi of what she was feeling &thinking during sex (I sure would!) That might be a better way to approach it.

      “Hey, friend, this is getting too much for me. I want to support you, but this level of intimate detail feels over the top and is wierding me out. I want to celebrate your Two Pink Lines when they happen, but can we skip the play-by-play?”

    9. NorCalPM*

      I’d just let it go. It’s very personal and potentially explosive to get into, and I don’t see the gain for anyone in bringing it up. You say she’s trying to get pregnant. So I suppose she’ll keep trying. And she’ll probably succeed, assuming she’s fairly young and has no history of infertility-related issues. And this will just be a blip on the highway to motherhood.

  69. Damn it, Hardison!*

    Wow, that sounds exhausting and frustrating! Glad it’s over for you and hope you have some time to rest & recover.

    1. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Hey Phoenix! I will look for your comment next Friday! In the meantime, hello from the east valley (if you are in fact in the valley of the sun)! Too hot for Thanksgiving week–whats the deal? Is this how it is here?

      1. Book Lover*

        Are you in the east valley this week? How fun. Yes, this is typical weather here. Mildly chilly in the morning, 70s and sunny in the afternoon. The zoo and botanical gardens are perfect for this weather.

        1. Sabine the Very Mean*

          Ha! Yes so much going on today! That’s a great idea….ive yet to explore Papago in general. Thanks!

  71. nep*

    Experts or people with similar experiences: Odd smell throughout house past couple of days — not pure sewage/sour smell…rather sewage combined with some kind of chemical odor. Tough to describe, but it’s irritating to the point I prefer to wear a mask. It causes a slight headache. Meanwhile another person living in the house Doesn’t. Smell. A. Thing.
    Now, the city is doing some work at an intersection just a couple houses away from us — lining the sewer. Given that this odor in the house just started yesterday, some days into their process, I’m thinking it’s got something to do with that. But a couple neighbours we asked aren’t picking up an odor. (Could it be a combination of the work being done and something specific in our house’s infrastructure?) Any experts care to chime in? Or has anyone experienced similar?
    I did ask people working on the project and they said the work might be the cause — suggested putting water in the traps in the basement. A guy who does a lot of work on our house is coming by in a while to have a look (or a sniff).

    1. Sabine the Very Mean*

      I’m wondering about your infrastructure. For you to be getting a smell from your plumbing due to a neighbor’s sewer is odd. Does it hapen when you turn on the water or always or randomly? I had an issue where I smelled raw sewage mostly when I used the faucet. No one else was around to smell it but me. Drove me nuts. Finally a plumber found a down pipe in the bathroom that was not up to code–I think it had to do with a pipe not having a p-trap where it goes down, up and down again. So, when you smell the smell, see if you can hear any water flowing through your pipes at the same time but should be loud indicating improper plumbing. That pipe could be the culpret.

      1. nep*

        Right — the work is not at a neighbour’s but on the city system. There is some major work going on underground a couple doors up (where the intersection is). We did run a shower that does not get much use, as that might have dried up. Our contractor came and had a look around — he doesn’t seem alarmed at anything and he knows his stuff so it’s reassuring. He did talk about a couple aspects of the work being done that might be affecting our house.
        Thanks for inputs.

    2. Yetanother Jennifer*

      Some people have sensitive noses and some don’t, so it could be that something is there and only you are smelling it. Or it could be that the headaches are helping you notice the odor. But I can see that if your traps have gone dry then smells would be wafting up from the sewers. It’s certainly a free and easy thing to try.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Call the city and ask if anyone else is having problems.
      My preferred idea is to hoof it down to where the workers are and ask them. Usually people doing the work are the best sources.

      I am concerned because you are talking about a headache. Is there any way a gas line could be near by?

    4. Free Meerkats*

      I’ve worked in and around sewers for over 35 years and have done many odor investigations. 100%, if you’re getting actual sewer smells in your house that aren’t coming in from outside, you have a plumbing problem. Since it’s new, if it’s not coming in from outside, it’s probably a dried out trap. If you have an actual plumbing problem, you got used to the “normal” sewer odor and the change made you smell it again; I’ve seen that many times when new industries went in upstream of a house with a plumbing problem.

      But you said they are lining the sewer. Is there a big roll or folded pile of something that looks like a fabric tube? That stuff uses a heat curing resin and you might be getting that smell in from outside, it’s kind of piercing. Whenever we dig up sewers, the sewer odor will permeate the neighborhood, the resin adds to that.

      Gently pour a gallon of water into every drain in your house that doesn’t get used daily. Look for drains under the water heater and HVAC system. If you have a sump pump, run enough water into the sump to make the pump cycle.

      2. nep*

        By the way, while I’ve got an expert — the other day I watched a video on YouTube of this process of putting in a liner — saw the fabric tube the workers were feeding into that machine. If you’ve got a moment, could you explain what happens with that tube — is it opening up once it’s in place in the pipes…why did they tape up the end of it and where does that end up? Interesting process.

        1. fposte*

          I obviously don’t have Gene’s expertise here, but they relined my sewer earlier this year, so I dived into this a little. Yes, they blow the tube open in the pipe and the epoxy it’s impregnated with cures in place in the pipe, so they’re basically using the old pipe as a mold to create a new pipe. I don’t know about the ends, though–maybe it’s just a way to hang onto the end near the entrance because you need to hook it up to the machine?

        2. Free Meerkats*

          The way CIP (Cast In Place) lining works is the tube is made inside out, they invert it into the pipe using water pressure. The closed end is so it will hold the water. It ends up in the manhole or pit at the end of the stretch of sewer main they are lining.

          The open end is anchored at the hole they are inserting it from; then it’s filled with water, which inverts in into the pipe. Imagine if you had a sock inside out and you put the toe against your toes and inverted it onto your leg. It’s like that, just the other way around. When it’s fully in place, the water pressure holds it against the sides of the pipe. Then they heat the water in the tube; that sets the resin, hardening the liner. Cut off the closed end, send a TV camera through the pipe to examine the new lining, then send a machine through the new pipe that cuts out all the sewer taps along that stretch of pipe, cut out the top of the tube where it goes through manholes, and you’ve created a structural replacement for an old pipe without digging up the street. And due to the smoothness of the lining, even though it’s marginally smaller, the capacity of the pipe may a be higher than the original line, depending on what its material and condition is.

          There are things that can go wrong in this process, but they can usually be fixed with a small excavation to repair the problem. Where it can be used, it’s a great process. Sometimes the old line is in such bad shape that it can’t be a suitable form for the new liner, so the utility has to use other methods such as traditional cut and cover or sliplining.

  72. Tau*

    Hi! Any other stutterers/PWS here from the convo we had earlier this week (responding to the post about the coworker who phrased everything like a question)? Or any other stutterers/PWS, period?

    I’ve stuttered since I was four, bouncing on the scale from mild to severe but generally always enough that I can’t pass as fluent for any sort of longer time. It’s a topic I’m happy to chat about, especially speech therapy. I’ve spent a lot of time in speech therapy and my experience has been… not great. Although I still think there can be value in it depending on where you’re coming from, I think it gets talked up way too much and there are risks and pitfalls that get brushed under the carpet.

    1. chocolate tort*

      Coming to this thread a couple days late, but I remembered it had come up in a thread a few days ago and wanted to check in.

      Yes, stutterer (that’s weird to spell out) here too! I have stuttered for as long as I know and throughout elementary and middle school went through therapists both in and outside of school. I don’t know if there was more of a difference when I was younger, but I eventually chose to stop going somewhere around high school because I wasn’t seeing any difference.

      I’m so curious to hear other people’s experiences with speech therapists–mine have generally been… well, pleasant but unhelpful, I’ll say. After many years without therapy, I decided to try again a few years ago. I went for several months and had to stop because I was moving. I loved the therapist but saw very little change. There were two aspects to this: 1) it’s such a different environment in her office, very controlled, very supportive, from anywhere else so although it was very pleasant, it was not at all indicative of my normal environments and so the fluency of my speech IN her office didn’t translate to fluency OUTSIDE her office, and, in fact, 2) outside of her office, I think my fluency actually got WORSE because I was thinking about my speech much more. Not that I ever *don’t* think about it, but I was specifically trying to do the ABC things I was supposed to, and somehow that’s ended up making things more difficult!

    2. Stuttering Lurker*

      Coming to this thread more than a *week* late (have been travelling a lot lately), but delurking to say thanks for this (and maybe let’s try again in a future thread?).

      Like I said (anonymously) on the previous thread, I believe I’ve stuttered all my life, but never enough for a parent or teacher to say “hey, maybe you should see a professional about this.” So I always thought it was nothing worth worrying about. Then, gradually, as an adult, I’ve come to believe that it’s actually having a negative effect on my life: with respect to my ability to have difficult or involved conversations, as well as how I’m perceived by others in general. (It’s also possible that it got worse while I was in grad school; it’s possible that I became aware of it *because* it was getting worse. Or maybe I thought it was getting worse because that was when I became fully aware of it…)

      So I’m trying to figure out whether some kind of speech therapy would actually help someone in her late 20s who’s never had speech therapy before. (Hearing that speech therapy can sometimes make stuttering worse is what has me wary.) So I’m very grateful for people’s stories about their experiences. <3

  73. AnonAndOn*

    Has effie (lowercase E, usually has a caption with her name) posted lately? I’ve seen posts by Effie with an uppercase E (I remember her posting that she’s a different person) but not the lowercase E one. I think she was recovering from hard times so I hope she’s okay.

    1. Effie*

      Hiya, do you mean “Effie, who is herself, and is moving forward without any self-judgement” and “Effie, who is fine” etc? Because they’re all me :P I tried to make that clear so sorry for any confusion!

      If there is another “effie” who also uses captions then that’s not me, I think I’ve always used the capital E and I hope she’s doing better too!

      1. AnonAndOn*

        Oh! I got confused because I thought you posted that the one with captions wasn’t you.

        I hope things are okay with you.

        1. Effie*

          I can’t always come up with a clever caption :P Thank you so much! I’m touched that you thought of me!

          I’m doing okay! A bit blue this week (see mental health thread above), just trying to protect my heart and hope the best for my family member and be grateful for the good things. And enjoy this in-between-rainy weather!

  74. Caledonia*

    I feel everyone should immediately start reading “I’ll eat when I’m dead” by Barbara Bourland which really is what the tagline says “Devil Wears Prada crossed with American Psycho”

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      Oh my, I need to read this.

      Very much enjoyed someone’s recent recommendation of One of Us is Lying. I forget who it was who posted it but thank you!

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          It’s a high school murder mystery and it’s basically like a cross between The Breakfast Club and Pretty Little Liars.

    2. NaoNao*

      Loved it!! It was dark, sexy, cool and sharp. I was inspired to write a sharp yet affectionate satire for my NaNo partly based on this book. (I mean, because of this book’s style, not based on the plot line).

  75. WordNerd*

    I’m in the middle a difficult situation with an acquaintance and her daughter. For the past few years, said acquaintance and I have met up to write for an hour or two every week, usually at a common room in her cohousing community. We also attend the same UU church, so I’ve gotten to know the whole family pretty well over the years, and I’m sort of a “fun aunt” to the acquaintance’s thirteen year old daughter.
    For the past couple of months, this family has been going through…what I would optimistically call a rough patch? Acquaintance only works occasionally (like 1-2 times a month.) Her husband works full time, but does not drive. Their marriage has deteriorated to the point where acquaintance wants a divorce, but doesn’t have means to live on her own. Husband has some issues, but there is no abuse that I am aware of. Recently, acquaintance told her husband she refuses to drive him to work anymore, leaving him to is rely on cohousing neighbors for rides. Then acquaintance totaled the family car. A cohousing neighbor lent acquaintance a car to use temporarily. Last week, acquaintance totaled the neighbor’s car. (There are no drugs or alcohol involved here, acquaintance is just highly distractible and sometimes falls asleep behind the wheel.) So this family is completely without a vehicle and the husband (only regular income in the household) does not always have a way to get reliably to and from the train station/work.
    The daughter started public school for the first time this year after being unschooled/homeschooled for her entire life. She is 2 grades behind where she should be and was extremely unhappy about having to go to school, so I offered to take her shopping for school clothes and I bought her pretty much everything she even kind of liked, hoping to would it at least make the transition a bit easier. We had a fun day, and she was appreciative and seemed happy.
    About a month after the back to school shopping trip, I asked acquaintance if she’d like to keep me company while I shopped for a work halloween party costume instead of our weekly writing date, thinking she’d probably want to get out of the house. I did not invite the daughter because taking a child to Halloween store when you’re not shopping for them is just mean. When I picked acquaintance up, the daughter was waiting outside along with her mother and bounded up to me and asked me if I would buy her a green shirt for a cancer support event that was taking place at her school. I was a bit taken aback, but I said sure. Once we got to the store, the daughter picked out a whole bunch of Halloween stuff, which acquaintance had her try on and oohed and ahhed over. When we got to the register, daughter handed me her pile of stuff. I was taken aback, so I bought it.
    At our most recent weekly writing date, daughter came into the room and said that she needed to talk to me alone. She then asked me to take her shopping for period stuff because although she hasn’t started yet, she has a feeling she’s going to get her period soon. (Kid is more mature every time I see her and there are pimples on her forehead; she’s not wrong.) I said yes. I love this kid and I would never want her to be unprepared for something like that, especially at school. I told acquaintance what her daughter had asked. Acquaintance said “yeah, I can’t really afford any extras right now. I really appreciate it.” She then asked me for her daughter’s clothing sizes from the September shopping trip, because apparently our church is going to buying holiday gifts for the daughter this year. Then, to top it all over, she told me she was offered a steady job for twelve weeks at a place she sometimes subs in at, but she turned it down because the hours were long and “then I wouldn’t be here for daughter.”
    I really don’t know how to handle all of this. I care about daughter and I can afford to help her with what she needs, but I’m kind of afraid acquaintance is telling daughter “Oh, just ask WordNerd” and I’m worried that my helping is diminishing any obligation acquaintance might feel to take care/provide for daughter.
    FWIW, both acquaintance and daughter already see therapists. CPS was involved at one point, but no longer is, so trying to pull professionals into all this probably won’t help because they are already involved.
    Has anyone been in a similar situation? I want to help the kid, and continue helping the kid, but I really don’t want to enable the adults’ irresponsible and selfish behavior.

    1. Ann O.*

      Man, if I were the HUSBAND I would be wanting a divorce. Acquaintance sounds like a nightmare. Refusing to drive him to work just because? Totaling TWO cars in what sounds like a short amount of time? Turning down a job she needs because her 13-year-old daughter couldn’t handle three months of a parent working long hours?

      I have not been in a similar situation, but if you look at what you’ve written, the acquaintance is not being a friend to you. She’s taking advantage of you, and she will continue to take advantage of you unless you pull a hard boundary. There is no way the Halloween store incident was an accident, and since it worked, she’s probably going to keep trying similar stunts. Her daughter may be a casualty in this, which stinks, but unfortunately is out of your control to prevent.

      I don’t know much about CPS, but I don’t think the fact that they were once involved means that they can never be re-involved. Unfortunately, I don’t know that what you’ve described rises to anything actionable for CPS.

    2. Effie*

      Ooof, that’s tough. Your acquaintance has put you in a really difficult position several times already. You also don’t want to train the kid to “expect” things from you, I think. It’s really easy to cross that line from gift into expectation, especially when you’re younger and lack self-awareness.

      There’s a story on Etiquette Hell which echoes what Ann O. said, which is that you cannot control the adult’s behavior and unfortunately Daughter may be a casualty in this. I will link to it in a reply if you’re interested in reading said story.

      If you want to continue your relationship with Daughter, you have a couple options:
      1. Be okay with being taken advantage of (maybe in small doses? You can control this)
      2. Set boundaries mentally/financially BEFORE you spend time with her, and then STICK TO THEM even if it means disappointing her. Even if it means you’re no longer the “fun aunt”. Even if it means she won’t have things that are necessities. Even if you can afford spending that extra money. I really think it’s best to nip any kind of mooching behavior in the bud.

      Best of luck!

    3. Student*

      Please buy her stuff for her period, at least to get started. I remember being a poor little girl. I remember not having access to pads when my first period started. This is a necessity. Then, go tell your friend you got the kid some pads, but these are not “extras,” they are “necessities for your growing daughter,” and you won’t be able to pick up the tab for them again. If the kid asks for more, tell her to ask her mother and father. You should tell the father yourself about this specific instance, especially since the kid may be uncomfortable with it and it’s very important and your friend is flaking over it.

      Please kindly let the daughter know you can’t/won’t buy her more clothes. She’s expecting it. She won’t be surprised or too sad, though she may try a guilt trip to see how much you stick to your boundaries. Tell the adult friend this clearly, too, so she knows better than to build up daughter’s expectations for it. Don’t take daughter or friend along clothes shopping (or any type of shopping) with you.

      I was once that kid. It’s a very compassionate to do the things you can safely afford to do for her. She’ll understand if you don’t, though. She knows you aren’t her parent, and she knows her parents are failing her. Please clue in CPS if you see her going with necessities (pads! or food, or clothing). Do it repeatedly, for each failure, even if nothing happens the first time. I really wish somebody had done that for me when my parents stopped feeding me. I was too scared to do it myself. I probably would’ve resisted it the first time. But I got to a point where I deeply wanted out, and I really needed some adult validation that the world I had lived my whole life in was Very Messed Up and Not Normal. As a kid who grew up that way, without that adult external validation, it can be very hard to tell whether there is something terribly wrong with you or if it really is your parents.

      Also, this friend of yours? Get some perspective on that friendship. She’s neglecting her child, at minimum. Is that who you want in your life? What are you getting out of this relationship? What does it say about you that you’re willing to quietly tolerate and enable this?

    4. Temperance*

      You can’t help the kid by buying her stuff. Her mother is a mooch, and a lazy mooch at that. I’m honestly kind of alarmed that she destroyed 2 vehicles in such a short period of time. She doesn’t sound responsible enough to be caring for a child.

      Your acquaintance is telling her kid to ask you for things she needs, because she’s too lazy to work. A teenager doesn’t need a full-time mother.

      1. NaoNao*

        I actually politely disagree that a teenager doesn’t need a full time mother or mother figure. Studies have shown that aside from toddler-hood, teenage years are the times when a full time parent is most useful.
        Teenagers are making a lot of choices and facing a lot of decisions that can have major repercussions in their lives: schooling, friendships, experimenting with drugs, sexuality, etc. A strong parental figure can make a huge difference.
        A family friend can *literally* help a teenager by buying them sanitary necessities!
        A few years ago, a writer named Louise Hung told a very affecting story about how her mom wouldn’t buy the correct amount of pads and would buy the cheapest brand possible so she wound up having “an odor” and finally a friendly teacher took her aside and clued her in.
        Family friends can make the difference between experiences that can scar and linger and feeling “normal”.
        Also I’m kind of surprised by this coming from you, since you’re normally very understanding!

        1. Anion*

          +1 to that. My girls are teens (well, my oldest is 16 and the youngest will be 13 in a few weeks) and I find that in many ways they need more attention now; certainly they come to me more than they did at nine or ten, and they have more complex thoughts and issues that they need help with. They want to talk about their lives and feelings more than they did a few years ago. They ask for advice. We talk a lot about relationships (neither of them date, but still) and what they should look for and expect from a man and what it really means to be in an adult relationship or to be married. I feel them looking to me to learn these things in a way they didn’t a few years ago, because they didn’t need to or weren’t concerned with it yet. And that’s even outside of issues like drugs/drinking/etc.

          My mom didn’t live with us when I was a teen–she moved halfway across the country–and that was extremely difficult for me (not helped by the fact that my dad’s girlfriend was a horrible, horrible person). I think it definitely harmed me in some ways. (I didn’t even have a woman I could tell when I got my first period, and had to buy and pay for my own supplies pretty much from the beginning. That sucked.)

    6. Anono-me*

      I think Student’s perspective on this is important to keep in mind while you decide what you are going to do.

      Something else to keep in mind is that the daughter is watching you and her mother model an adult friendship. As a girl, I used to have a friend who always asked someone else to pay for everything every time we did something. I started to feel like she saw me as a free atm rather than a friend.

      Based on what you have said here, I would probably take a break from writing etc with the mom and set a hard budget for the financial, emotional, and time support you are going to give to the daughter. My time budget would be to meet for sodas every other week at a place she could safely and easily walk to on her own. My financial budget would be basic inexpensive toiletries, shampoo, deodorant, nail clippers, pads and lotion. My emotional budget would be to touch base with CPS to see what the point is when they step in to help and I would keep in contact with them about anything worrisome. I would probably also talk to a support person at the church you both belong to.

      Please keep in mind that you may need to step back, if this family’s behavior changes for the worse in response to whatever boundaries and budget you set.

      Good luck finding your personal balance between boundaries and compassion in this situation.

  76. Anono-me*

    Silly gift dilemma.

    Most of my friends and I are finally and thankfully at the point in our lives where we don’t usually exchange gifts anymore. (I don’t need anymore decorative candles.)

    However a long time ago, a good friend introduced me to a popular thing “X” that I assumed I wouldn’t like, but really enjoyed once I tried it.

    I was at a store today and found an “X” themed Christmas gift at a low price point. It immediately made me think of my friend and smile, so I said to myself ‘Why not. ” and got it. Then in the few minutes it took me to put the item in my cart and walk away EVERY OTHER ONE GOT PURCHASED AND MORE PEOPLE STARTED COMMING UP LOOKING FOR THE ITEM.

    I googled it when I got home.

    Apparently this thing I find amusing and think my friend might also is actually “A REALLY REALLY BIG THING TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SERIOUS FANS” . (Think picking up a cute stuffed animal and having it be a TICKLE ME Elmo, a few years ago.)

    So here is the silly gift dilemma. Will giving my friend this impulsive, easy and not very expensive gift carry way more weight than I intend and possibly restart the dreaded decorative candle exchange? Is there something that I can say to prevent it? If it will result in moe candles, then I don’t want to give it my friend. (Note: friend is a ‘fan’ not a ‘SERIOUS FAN’.)

    If I decide not to give it to my friend, I will follow up with a request as to what to do with it. Either way, I will name the THING once I make my decision. Because I would want to know. (I am not naming it now to avoid having the SERIOUS FANS on this site feeling bad that on unappreciative non fan has one of the Golden Tickets.).

    Thanks.

    1. Effie*

      Give it to friend as a “thinking of you” gift, not a Christmas gift? My friends and I do that year-round. We don’t really do holiday/birthday gifts. Caveat, we have the kind of friendships where we prefer making memories together during important events over gifts if that makes sense.

    2. Anion*

      “Hey, I was in Store and saw this cute little thing that made me think of you.” Then when (if) Friend mentions what a big deal it is, act surprised and tell the truth: it was just sitting there and you grabbed one, having no idea.

      If you make clear that you didn’t know you were buying the Holy Grail, then it’s not a big deal.

    3. Persephone Mulberry*

      Is it the mercury glass narwhal ornament at Target? (You don’t have to actually answer that…yet.) Because I’m in a Facebook group that is OBSESSED with them. To the point that people who live near Targets are buying out the supply and shipping them free and clear to other group members who are not lucky enough to live in countries with Targets. It’s completely bizarre (sweet, but bizarre).

      That said, I think Anion’s script is perfect.

    4. Anono-me*

      It gift is the 12 Days of Christmas HP Socks.

      I am going to take everyone’s advice and give the gift to my friend as planned.

      I will try the script suggested by Anion and hope for no candles. (The box says Christmas all over it, so I don’t think I can call it a ‘Not a Christmas Gift’ gift.)

      Thanks for the feedback on my silly little quandary.

      Persephone Mulberry. Right store, wrong holiday item. I googled the ornament and it is super darling and I love that people are sending it to friends just to be nice. What a wonderful memory to put on a tree year after year.

  77. SandrineSmiles (France)*

    It’ll soon be a month since we moved into a new place. We haven’t cleared the previous apartment yet since we are getting help from friends and family to move things little by little.

    I’ve been feeling rather weird for all this time: like this place ain’t “me” enough. Or something. But today, thanks to the friend who helped us, I got my second PC monitor and some of my figurines, decorating my desk (link in my username is my Twitter account, you can add me there if you’d like haha) … NOW I feel at home. It’s weird, but having all these Sailor Moon figurines watching me, and my two Doctors, just makes me smile.

    It’ll be a little while till this place feels entirely like home: we still need to move our bed (right now, we have a very nice mattress) , our couch (if we can still use it, might have to buy a new one) and Boyfriend’s desk. And maybe a dinner table so that we can FINALLY have a real housewarming party xD !

    All in all, after a rough week (will talk about that one either in a letter or a future work post) , I’m starting to look up and I feel more at peace.

    Yay!

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m glad you’re feeling more at peace. It always takes me a while to feel at home when I move!

    3. Lcsa99*

      My husband and I are also days away from the month mark in our new place and he keeps saying that he feels like he’s in a hotel and any day now we’ll get the bill and have to go back to our old place. Honestly I think time is the only thing that can really make a “new place” feelnlike home.

  78. Coalea*

    I bought a new pair of sneakers for working out (walking on treadmill) in August. At first, they were awesome. Then, about 2 weeks ago, they started feeling really uncomfortable – tight around the heel area – and giving me really bad blisters right over the heel bone on the inside part of my foot. Any idea why this might be happening? Any chance they will go back to being comfortable, or do I need to give up and buy another pair?

    1. nep*

      That is odd. The only thing that comes to my mind is whether you’re working out later in the day when the feet can be a bit bigger/swollen? But this doesn’t seem right. I’ll be interested to hear what others think of why this is happening.

    2. anon24*

      Did they get wet or did you sweat a lot? Most sneakers I’ve owned are fine until they get wet and then they shrink and change in weird ways. Sometimes they stretch back out, sometimes not. If you do need a new pair, I highly recommend the prios by Xero shoes. They are a tad expensive (though on par with a nice athletic sneaker) and they do take a bit of getting used to, but I have literally thrown away all my other sneakers after buying them. They are designed to protect your foot while allowing it to move like you’re barefoot, and it’s so much healthier for your entire musculoskeletal system.

      1. Coalea*

        They haven’t gotten wet. I *think* my sweating is a normal amount – at any rate, it hasn’t changed drastically in the last couple of weeks.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Is the treadmill uphill?
      Do your feet swell once in a while?
      Do you wear all different kinds of socks?

      Do you think your knee may be slightly out joint therefore causing your foot to be at a different angle?

      1. Coalea*

        No incline on the treadmill. Occasional mild swelling but nothing significant – and no major changes in that regard recently. Same socks all the time. No idea about the knees.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I am pretty sensitive to shoe discomfort. I would not continue to use these shoes. But I would be stuck to know what went wrong here. If you bought them at a place that specializes in shoes and therefore probably has knowledgeable sales help they might be able to at least help you figure out what happened here.

          Or you could try googling “problems with X brand sneaks” see if something comes up.

  79. Red*

    I think I’m going to try to get the county government to do a thing. It occurred to me in the shower earlier that it would be a whole lot easier to find a local place to volunteer if there was something like Monster or JobFinder for that. The county already runs a group that connects seniors with volunteer opportunities, and a neighboring town runs a volunteer group for teenagers. I’m thinking, take all that information and put it in an online database that everyone can use so people who want to volunteer aren’t deterred by having to look in multiple places for scattered information – it’s all just right there for them. Organizations, positions and their skill sets, contact information, everything. Thoughts?

    1. AnonAndOn*

      There is Volunteer Match (volunteermatch.org) that is national and has ways to filter volunteer stints by seniors and teens.

  80. Jessen*

    Thank you to everyone who had encouraging words last week, getting away from my family!

    I signed a lease this morning for a little apartment starting Dec 1. Just a few weeks! And of course I’ll be bringing my lovely little ball of fur, who’s been staying with a friend, home with me too. (Which incidentally should deter my mother from trying to stay over, since she’s very allergic.)

  81. Ramona Flowers*

    No actual spoilers, but which TV series have had your most and least favourite endings?

    Inspired by the fact that I finally finished Person of Interest and basically loved the last episode. Thank you to those of you who told me it was worth sticking with. Oh my GOODNESS. But like I said, no spoilers! You can say which shows, but not why.

    My favourite endings have I think been Person of Interest, Spaced and West Wing.

    And the ones I found most disappointing: The Good Wife and Lost. I used to joke that I just wouldn’t watch the Lost finale as it was bound to suck. I really wish I’d stuck with that.

    1. nep*

      Haven’t watched a lot of recent series and this is to do with a sitcom’s season-ender — but I didn’t at all like what they did with the last Seinfeld episode. (No spoil danger there…)

    2. Lady Jay*

      Oddly, I almost never finish TV series. C.S. Lewis says this thing in some of his literary critical work that the first half of a fantasy/science fiction novel is better than the second half, because the imaginative parts are stronger; once it gets down to the brass tacks of finishing the plot, it becomes more prosaic.

      I find that what I liked about the first season tends to slip away by later seasons. I watched 3 seasons of BSG (reboot) but not the 4th season; 2 seasons of Lost, but nothing else; the first two seasons of GoT; the first 2 1/2 seasons of Arrested Development (and a handful of Season 4 episodes); the first five seasons of Castle, and while I’m not done with Stranger Things 2, I think the first season of that is better too.

      Also, I hate finishing TV shows anyway. When I watched Firefly, I put off watching the last episode for nearly two years, because I knew once I watched it, there would be no more Firefly, and that made me sad.

    3. EvilQueenRegina*

      Yeah, Season 6 was my least favourite season of Lost, I have to admit (a little too much focus on the character I most disliked).

      How I Met Your Mother was another disappointing ending.

      2. Don't Blame Me*

        I’m still mad about how HIMYM ended. It felt like a huge betrayal honestly after faithfully watching the show the entire time it was on.

    4. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Favorite: Futurama’s multiple series finales (all of them)

      Least favorite: Xena (never actually watched it but I heard what happened and decided I didn’t need to see it)

    5. HannahS*

      I hated the ending of Battlestar Galactica. The whole last season didn’t work for me, but that last episode really frustrated me. It’s still an amazing show and I wholeheartedly recommend it to everyone regardless of how little they like sci-fi. I guess if it was less good, then I would have cared less about how it ended!

      As for favourites, I thought the Musketeers (BBC, recent) handled its last season and finale well. They knew it was the last season most of the way through which I’m sure helped. I was disappointed that it ended, which is always a good sign that it hasn’t gone on for too long.

    6. Sylvan*

      Favorite ending: Hannibal. The third season was messy for reasons that I won’t explain/spoil, but a thing that I wanted to happen happened in the final episode.

      Least favorite: Battlestar Galactica.

      1. Emily*

        I just finished Hannibal a few days ago! I found the ending bittersweet – it’s not really what I wanted for [character], but it made narrative sense and felt like a fitting end to the show.

    7. Casca*

      I loved Person of Interest too :)

      Some shows that had awesome finales IMHO: Scrubs (season 8- Season 9 is really a spinoff), Psych (it just made me want to spend more time with the characters and continue a show in each city- very excited about the movie!), Charmed had a pretty good ending although the rest of the final season wasn’t great
      Fringe was pretty good- it wrapped up a lot, but I had desperately wanted the last show of the series to be Olivia.

      Search Party had the perfect ending, but now they’ve made a Season 2 so I’m not sure how that works

      I did not like Buffy, Angel or Dollhouse’s endings.

      Didn’t like Parks and Rec ending- too much wish fulfilment- not enough funnies. It drives me crazy when comedies stop being funny

    8. Effie*

      The ending of Leverage was close to perfect for the series. I cry every time I watch it.

      I hated the ending of The Closer.

    9. Overeducated*

      I was very disappointed by the last episode of Star Trek: Discovery, but it wasn’t a series finale. I think the show is relying too much on canon from other Star Trek series to the extent that the plot points don’t really make sense and stand on their own (this is my first time watching more than a random episode rerun so my husband has to keep explaining references).

      The very end of How I Met Your Mother was so bad – why couldn’t they leave well enough alone?

      I thought the end of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was decent considering the length and scope of the series.

    10. Courtney*

      Most: Breaking Bad. I thought they did an excellent job wrapping up everyone’s storylines in a way that didn’t feel rushed, and it felt like a satisfying end.

      Worst: Mad Men. It just didn’t feel like a finale. At all.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      Liked the endings to:
      –Seinfeld (I found it rather satisfying)
      –Star Trek: The Next Generation
      –The Mary Tyler Moore Show
      –Cheers
      –M*A*S*H (best finale of all time; well over 100 million other people agree with me)

      Hated the endings to:
      –Roseanne (the entire last season, really)
      –How I Met Your Mother *rage emoji*
      –Quantum Leap

      I didn’t hate the end of LOST but I didn’t love it either.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Oh my goodness I can’t believe I forgot to include Quantum Leap when I posted. I remember watching it on TV and being so annoyed at how much it sucked. Still bitter about that one!

    12. Bluebell*

      I absolutely loved the end of Six Feet Under. So touching and a great wrap up. Does the Colbert Report count as a series? Cause that was awesome too

    1. Effie*

      Commiserate? Misery loves company.

      Come up with fun, low cost/free things to do together?

      I think being willing to listen to friend will go far too.

  83. SL #2*

    I posted a few weeks ago about how a friend of mine is like… obsessed with her relationship and her boyfriend and didn’t want to talk about anything but him, or was just flat-out ignoring everyone but him.

    Well, they broke up, and she’s taking it really. really. hard. Like, going to sleep crying and waking up crying and all that jazz. I want to be kind but I also want to shake her and be like YOU WERE ONLY EXCLUSIVE FOR TWO MONTHS THIS IS NOT THE APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF EMOTIONAL REACTION YOU NEED TO STOP IT but I also know that’s a rational reaction from me and she’s not being rational right now because a) break-up and too much emotional investment, and b) her anxiety screaming that it’s all her fault and she’s unlovable.

    Frankly, I’m just really glad that she doesn’t want to talk to anyone at all right now because I know I wouldn’t be able to contain my temper otherwise. I’m already biting my tongue real hard every time she posts something on Twitter.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Well the relationship was intense, so I guess the break up would be intense, too?
      Maybe in a private moment suggest counseling?

      1. SL #2*

        I actually don’t know if the relationship was intense for both parties, tbh. I know he was the one who did the deed, though, so that’s probably a large part of it. It sucks to be dumped, I get it, but this feels (to me!) like a very extreme reaction to a very short relationship where, frankly, I’m not sure if they ever defined things other than “we’re exclusive and not seeing anyone else.”

        Either way, she’s already got a therapist, so I’m sure this will come up in the next appointment.

    2. Don't Blame Me*

      I’d be feeling the same way you are, FWIW. I remember having these intense, devastated reactions to break-ups but I was in my late teens and very early twenties when I think that kind of thing is more expected/acceptable? I’m guessing your friend is older than that?

      1. SL #2*

        She’s almost in her mid-twenties, as am I. But it’s whatever, I’m just trying to keep my distance because I know that anything I say will be unhelpful at best and mean at worst (I know myself when I’m annoyed). But it’s pretty frustrating and eyeroll-inducing to see all her social media posts about the break-up and her feelings when it’s like …girl, you were dating for two months and you’ve only known him for four.

    3. HannahS*

      Oh my goodness I had a friend like that. It was horribly hard to watch/listen to/be there for her. Especially when she would eventually get over it (4-5 months after it happened) and then immediately take up with another deadbeat guy. She seems to be breaking out of the pattern, but as her friend, it was a tough few years and I eventually had to take a step back for a while. Like your friend, the reaction was really about anxiety and abandonment.

      If it’s bugging you that much and you know you’re not in a good headspace to support her, consider muting her on social media. I know I’ve had to disengage a bit from very needy friends sometimes for the sake of not resenting them wildly the next time we met.

      1. SL #2*

        I’m going to do just that, at least until her therapy appointment. On one level, I feel bad about the way I feel, because I know her overreaction to literally all aspects of this relationship and break-up is because of the anxiety and it’s not like she can help it, but on the other, I just cannot deal with her right now and I need to disengage for my own sake. I don’t have an anxiety disorder myself, but it’s still exhausting to deal with someone else’s!

  84. nep*

    Women of a certain age — can we talk hot flashes?
    What has been your experience? At what point did they start? How often? Intensity? How long have they lasted? (I don’t mean each occurrence, but over what period of time did you experience hot flashes?)

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I started having hot flashes about ten years (ha!) before my period finally stopped. Once my period stopped so did the hot flashes. It felt like ten years, it could have been eight or even six. It was a while though.

      Mine were not super bad like some women get. I learned to sleep with my feet outside the covers and that was a wonderful thing. I never had problems during the day.

      I don’t remember the exact rate of occurrence, it was often enough to be a disruption in my life. I tried to figure out if I could control some of it with better food choices and I never did figure out any type of answer in that regard. I tried other basics like watching water intake and so on, I came up with no news there either.

    2. What is normal?*

      I started having heat surges (I don’t really experience sudden extreme temperature changes) a few years before menopause. They were infrequent and don’t really occur during the day. They have continued to this day. So for about 10 years now. I have found that the cooler the bedroom the less likely they will occur.

    3. Mimmy*

      I’ve been getting what I *think* are hot flashes for about 3 years now – I am 44. My pattern has been a couple of normal menstrual cycles, then 2-3 months of intermittent hot flashes. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if it’s a hot flash or if the heat is on too high or I’m too heavily dressed. I wouldn’t say it’s disruptive, but it’s certainly unpleasant. It starts with a weird feeling – it’s not heart palpations but it’s strange. Then I feel hot.

    4. misspiggy*

      From what people say here I think I might’ve been having hot and cold flashes most of my life, due to a dodgy nervous system. I’m 44 and I haven’t noticed any increases in the hot ones yet…

    5. Alexandra Duane*

      I started having hot flashes while I was deployed to Iraq! I had just turned 51. Fortunately, they were mild, and lasted just a minute or two. I had one or two every day and sometimes at night for about four months, then they faded away. About six months later they came back for about three months. After that I didn’t have any more. Altogether I had only very mild menopause effects.

    6. NorCalPM*

      Never had them. My menopause, which came early and naturally, was the biggest anti-climax ever. Didn’t take hormones, didn’t get hot flashes, didn’t get mood swings. My periods just came further and further apart and finally, after I hadn’t had one for six months, I thought, “Well, I guess that’s it, then.” After a year, I thought, “Nah, it can’t have been that easy, could it?” Took me another year to get rid of my “feminine hygiene products.”

      Not sure why it was so easy. My guess would be that I didn’t have difficult periods to begin with, never had PMS, I hiked my butt off during the menopause, and I became a vegetarian shortly before the perimenopause – maybe that helped? I know my mom had a terribly difficult menopause, and most of my friends have had symptoms varying from mild to severe. But for me, it was a big, fat nothing. And I sure don’t miss menstruation.

      Not that I’m complaining. I just wish I knew why. My doctor doesn’t have any definitive answers, either. It’s baffling.

      1. nep*

        From what I’ve read, your eating habits and exercise probably had a lot to do with the ease of it.
        Thanks.

        1. periwinkle*

          Or maybe genetics? Or luck?

          My periods started to skip a lot when I hit 51. After about a year of no periods, the hot flashes started. I’ll experience them for a few weeks, then nothing for a few months, then they return; after the first episode, they’ve been pretty mild and haven’t lasted more than a few days. I’m turning 53 in a couple months and haven’t needed anything beyond turning on the bedroom fan occasionally.

          I’m lazy, not in great shape, and a carnivore. :) My periods were generally not too difficult – I’d have cramps now and then but they were never beyond the “take a couple Advil and drink soothing tea” level.

          And yeah, I didn’t finally get rid of my monthly supplies until a couple months ago although the paranoid bit of my brain insisted on keeping some pads around juuuuust in case.

    7. Bluebell*

      Mine were really bad for a year or two, during the last two years of my period. I’m a pescetarian so didn’t try much with diet changes. I did buy nightgowns that were supposed to be helpful. I can recommend Cool Jams. Now that it’s been a year or so I still get the occasional mild hot flash but it’s so much better than when everything started. Good luck!

    8. Kat*

      From about 52 until now (63). They last 2-4 minutes. At first they were 3-5 times a day, now once every day or two. At first they were sometimes rather intense, making me drippy and cranky and very very thirsty, but they’re rarely that bad now. Grabbing a glass of ice water or ice cold soda and guzzling it in small but steady sips helps. In the car when I’ve forgotten to bring a drink along, I crank the windows down and would hang my head out like a dog if the seat belt allowed. Although I sometimes feel like “must have water NOW!” I learned not to give in to the temptation to pull off the freeway for a cold drink because the horrible thirst vanishes completely in two minutes.

  85. I have a question..*

    Say that one person (A) mistakes a second person (B) for being Irish when they are actually Scottish. A tells B “same thing”. So B then asks A about their life growing up in China. A says they are actually Korean and B tells A “same thing”. Is one worse than the other? (For context, A did not know B was Scottish before this point and wasn’t aware of the whole history of Scotland/Ireland/England and the UK, while B was fully aware A is Korean. B also argues they just said it to make and point and there was nothing racially motivated behind it). Is what B said to A worse or are they both the same?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      They are both bad. It’s disrespectful either way.

      What was their point that they were trying to make?

      1. I have a question..*

        A says they didn’t understand the history there and don’t get why it is a big deal. B did it to make a point to A after A said “same thing” a second time, to show A how it felt and why what they said was wrong.

        1. Effie*

          Normally I would say it’s best not to respond to rudeness with rudeness, but since B tried explaining and A still insisted it was the “same thing”, I see why the gloves came off for B. I’m pretty sure if B hadn’t done it, A would never have gotten it. However, with A’s extra insistence it seems that A lacks self-awareness and more likely sees B as rude instead of seeing A themself as rude; if this is the case, then I still support B as B would have felt a bit better about themself and being able to speak up for themself.

    2. fposte*

      I think A was pretty rude and can’t really complain at this point–it doesn’t make any difference whether you know history or not, “Same thing” is out of line. But I also think if either of them are trying to look at it as a contest where degrees of offense are quantifiable this isn’t something they’re going to resolve.

    3. misspiggy*

      It’s the same. Ireland and Scotland are (and were) politically, historically and linguistically separate countries. That’s basic knowledge. The fact that many people from those countries have distinct ethnicities, and bitter histories of being played against each other by the English government, just adds to the insult of saying ‘same thing’. In other words, pretending the two countries are so insignificant that no one would know the difference.

      How hard is it to just say, ‘Oh sorry, my mistake. Are there actually any similarities between Irish and Scottish people, or is it just that I’ve confused the accents?’

    4. LilySparrow*

      In an imaginary world of abstract principle where there is no racism or discrimination, the two statements would be equally rude.
      I suspect, however, that B has never had to deal with being discriminated against, harassed, used as a token, or any of the zillion other experiences A has had as a person of color.

      B’s ethnic issues were historical background. A is living them every day.

      If B regularly gets called “you people” (as in “You people all look alike anyway”) or asked where they’re from because people assume B is not a citizen, and so forth, then the comments would have similar context and impact.

      1. Ann O.*

        You’re making an assumption that B is of Scottish descent rather than actually being Scottish. I think you’re also making an assumption about A that may not be true given that A apparently grew up as a member of the majority population. Depending on where A lives, A may also not be living those types of microaggressions every day.

        In any event, B was making a point, not an actual mistake, whereas A was simply being rude.

        1. I have a question..*

          To help with clarity, B is Scottish (born in Scotland to Scottish parents/families). A is Korean (born in Korea to Korean parents/families). Both of them moved from Scotland and Korea to another country for work purposes, a country where neither white or Asian people are the majority.

    1. fposte*

      Ha, it’s that kind of thing that got me interested in urban legends decades ago.

      I don’t know most of these specific laws, but usually it’s a comic specification based on a broader law or phraseology. This article at least did something with the purported laws–usually they just circulate as forwardlore without anybody checking anything.

      The Wisconsin law, for instance, I’ve seen before and is definitely untrue. What it likely stems from is an early and short-lived Wisconsin law that required restaurant meals to include cheese or butter. (Link to discussion in followup.) Interestingly, I had a quick look to see if somebody’d helpfully unpacked the milk carton one, and I found a 2002 reference that says it’s a Massachusetts law rather than a Missouri one–that’s the kind of rigorous reporting we’re talking about.

      My guess is that the ice cream in your back pocket is something about food packaging or concealment that somebody went rogue with, but I would assume even without a statute that’s just a law of nature.

    2. Girasol*

      In a list of antiquated aviation laws, I saw a reference to a state that made it illegal to pilot an aircraft with an ice cream cone in one’s pocket. I’ve wondered ever since who put an ice cream cone in his pocket, why, and what happened to that aircraft. Or was the ice cream cone/pocket thing just an urban myth?

  87. Courageous cat*

    Alison, I wrote to you last week about getting a weird red site with a popup when I tried to open a thread on my work computer. Now I’m at home and Chrome is routinely making me click an “I’m not a robot” captcha every time I open up the site! This is so, so weird. I have never had any problems until lately and it’s perplexing.

  88. Candi*

    Book recommendation: She Changed Comics: The untold story of women who changed free expression in comics

    Gifted to me by my sister, it’s a tentative recommendation since I haven’t fully read it yet. (As in, ten pages in…) :P

    BUT it looks good, and I think it’s important to remember that, though they only got widespread notice in the past couple decades or so, women and minorities have always been there, making important and even primary contributions. They were just left in the shadows, ignored and glossed over. I find the stories of Dr. Vivian Thomas’ contributions to heart surgery and Beatrix Potter’s* contributions to science particularly compelling and heart breaking.

    *Yes, the one who wrote Peter Rabbit. She documented penicillin long before Fleming’s lab workers did, and many of her notes on fungi and molds still survive. But in the Victorian era, without a sponsor in a influential relative or patron, she got the ‘aww, how cute’ reaction. Potter also taxidermied her pets (mice and the like) when they died; total eccentric scientist.

  89. Anon here too*

    This may be too much for even an open thread, but I need to put this somewhere and I can’t talk about it with anyone right now. My 15-year-old daughter came out to me as bisexual a couple weeks ago. She “thinks she might be” and has shared some of her past crushes on boys but perhaps has had crushes on girls that she hasn’t shared. She says if a girl asked her out she would go. She was very interested in the idea of asking a certain boy to the spring dance last year but didn’t follow through. She has declared herself not interested in sex right now. She’s young for her age and we’re a family of late bloomers. Her statement was pretty casual and shared as she was filling out a survey before her annual checkup. Maybe there have been signs, but they could also be due to growing up in an open and accepting family that includes a lesbian aunt married to a woman and a glbt activist grandma.

    So I’m pretty ok with this news. A little surprised and sad, and guilty because I’m sad. I’d be fine with her having a woman as a romantic partner. I want her with someone who loves her and treats her well. Period. But it’s not what I pictured or assumed, no matter how often I used neutral language when talking about topics around sex, romance and dating. And I want her safe. So I’m trying to not assume that since she’s bi that she can just date males and it will all be fine. But it’s only been a couple of weeks. And I feel self conscious of any information I share: the Kinsey scale, how someone defines their sexuality, etc and how it might be seen as my trying to influence her to choose males. But of course her school is providing no information on this, although it does have a diversity club. And I’m not going to stop having conversations about sex just because she’s interested in girls. I just need to diversify.

    Under the life is hilarious category, I have struggled with OCD for a really long time and one of the varieties I’ve had off and on is what is referred to as HOCD, or the fear that one might be the sexual orientation that one isn’t. This news hasn’t been very triggering for me so far, aside from a few random thoughts that this is the definitive proof that I am a lesbian because this stuff is totally hereditary. I’m between therapists right now and I know I need to find a new one. Meanwhile, I know the research is mixed on heritability and since the way to address ocd is to embrace risk and uncertainty, I’ve decided my sexuality is undefined and who cares about the rest. We’ll see how that goes.

    When Daughter came out, I asked if I could tell her dad/my husband and she said yes. (He would be fine about it as well–no danger of rejection or anything like that.) I was just thinking about myself, wanting someone to talk about it. I do not think she understands how big a deal this can be for other families. After further thought I felt this maybe wasn’t the right thing to do, that it was her news, and so I haven’t and told her as much. So I can’t talk to him and it’s hard keeping this secret. I’ve asked her permission to talk to a family friend with a transgender son, someone we know fairly well but who lives in a different state so there’s no danger of Daughter getting outed inadvertently. I just want to be able to talk to a fellow parent. Daughter said she’d think about it. But I’m not going to push. I’m trying so hard not to talk about this with her too often, but I have so many questions.

    This getting long so I’ll wrap up with a few questions. Any parents of GLTB kids out there with advice on parenting? Any good online resources for kids and parents? I’ve already recommended The Aunts as a resource when she’s ready. And am I right in thinking that Daughter needs to be the one to tell her dad and not me? (Yeah, I know the answer to that one. Sigh.) Thanks for listening.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      This is a lot for you to process. The good news is that your daughter and your home life sound fairly calm: nobody’s flying into rages, running around having dramatic affairs, or risking getting their heart broken. Your husband/your daughter’s dad will be supportive whenever your daughter shares her news with him. Your marriage sounds stable (maybe boring, in that mid-life way, but stable).

      Maybe you can extend your thoughts about your own sexuality (“undefined and who cares about the rest”) to your daughter. I’m hoping but also trusting that, after growing up in your calm-sounding home, she’ll be able to find a partner who respects her and supports her in the same way that her parents found each other.

      tl;dr: I don’t know any detailed information, but your immediate and extended family sound lovin, accepting, and emotioanally stable. Take heart.

      P.S. Apologies to any real psychologists or psychiatrists for practicing without a license!

    2. pflag*

      PFLAG is a resource for parents of LGBT kids and I’ve heard good things about it and might be a place to talk about your feelings with other parents in your situation.

    3. Emily*

      I am not a parent, so I cannot vouch for these sites from personal experience, but you might find Everyone Is Gay and My Kid is Gay (two separate websites run by the same people) useful resources from a parenting perspective.

      Also, I read a lot of the articles and advice on Scarleteen when I was a teenager, and think it is a fantastic sex-ed resource for people of all genders and orientations. It is not LGBTQIA+ only, but it is very LGBTQIA+ friendly, and deals with bodies, gender, sexuality, relationships, and more.

      (Links in a followup post, but you can easily find any of these by a quick internet search.)

    4. Courageous cat*

      As someone who was the bisexual 15-year-old (but didn’t come out to her mom), respectfully I think you may be very much overthinking this. I don’t think there’s anything you really need to do right now. If she wants to share it with others, she will. Personally I don’t think it’s news anyone needs to know unless she actually starts dating a woman (which is why I never came out, it just wasn’t relevant information for them to know when I was dating men).

      I would just teach her about sex as you would any other child and let her do her thing. Follow her cues.

    5. Amtelope*

      It sounds like she is pretty clear about her own sexuality – she is hypothetically interested in dating either boys or girls, she isn’t ready to have sex, she identifies as bisexual – so I don’t think she necessarily needs more information specifically about being bisexual right now. And I wouldn’t recommend asking her more questions right now – she’s told you what she wants to share. When she starts dating someone, be supportive. If she wants to tell others, that’s fine. If she doesn’t right now, that is also fine.

      I’m glad you are basically OK with this, but you seem really anxious and stressed about something that doesn’t seem to be causing any problems in your daughter’s life right now. If she comes out at school, I would make sure she knows that she can tell you if people hassle her for being bi. Be there if she has questions, and if you’re looking for information that will help you answer them, try PFLAG or the sites linked below. But try not to worry about this. This isn’t a problem to be solved, it’s something your daughter has learned about herself and wants to share with you.

    6. Anon here too*

      Thanks so much everyone! This is what I needed right now: perspective, resources, and a chance to lay my thoughts out in one place. It’s funny, once I wrote it, I didn’t feel drawn to to check for replies and I didn’t feel the need to avoid checking for replies. Putting the words somewhere where I knew someone would read them was enough. Thanks again!

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      I’m not a parent, but my sister is gay. It was a complete non-issue for our family. My mom was a little sad at first just because she doesn’t want any of her kids to suffer or be made to feel less-than or different.

      As the hetero sister in this scenario, I can tell you that being hetero doesn’t mean that any teenage girl or grown woman will have a male partner. Where’s my male partner? LULZ. If my mom was holding out hope that her hetero daughters would marry men and give her grandkids…that might not have ever happened anyway, even if we were both straight. Having ANY kind of vision of your child’s future (excepting simply wanting your daughter to be happy and healthy) is unfair to her.

      There are four kids in my family: two girls and two boys. One of the boys is married. The other brother and I are single and mopey about it. Wanna talk about toxic relationships?? Call us up. The lesbian with a loving girlfriend is so far from being the problem in our family.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Best: finally closing the sale on my parents’ house.
      Worst: getting to said house and finding my sister had a ton more packing to do and having to help her get it all done in about 24 hours. I’m exhausted! The data is upthread for anyone who cares to read.

    2. Free Meerkats*

      Best: Got the box with the stuff I won in my uncle’s auction. Plus my brother picked up some other stuff for me.

      Worst: Severely lacking motivation in the place we don’t mention.

    3. SL #2*

      Best: lol it’s so minor in the grand scheme of things but my copy of Taylor Swift’s new album finally arrived in the mail. I had it pre-ordered and it took a week to get here…

      Worst: I posted a comment above about my friend driving me bonkers… yep.

    4. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Best: SO and I put down our wedding planner deposit! (Needed bc we work 40+ hrs/week and overtime). Plus planner is very reasonably priced. Visiting wedding venue today. Ring picked up from jeweler, proposal very soon.

      Worst: mom leaving a care package at the door to appear saintly, and not emotionally, physically, and financially abusive.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Oh I am sorry about the package. Would it help you to hear this has a name? It’s called hoovering and if you search online for ‘toxic hoovering’ you will see you are not alone.

        1. Carmen Sandiego JD*

          Thats, yup I googled it.
          I already warned security about nonconsensual apt entrants but maybe someone at the lobby held a door open.

          Looked through perphold, saw package, nearly started hyperventilating and waited 1.5 more hrs until I felt safe to leave my appt.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      Best: no rent increase. We are renewing our tenancy in the new year and the landlord is happy to renew for 12 months without putting the rent up (both sides prefer a fixed-term agreements to the relative insecurity of a rolling monthly contract). Previously it’s increased by small amounts that weren’t unreasonable, but every little helps and this is good news to have at this time of year.

      Worst: I’m not coping so well with small things as mentioned on the mental health thread which is a clear warning sign that I’m starting to feel overwhelmed.

      Also, my manager sits next to my least favourite coworker and it’s starting to infuriate me somewhat.

    6. Mimmy*

      Best: We have a functioning kitchen again – first time in nearly 2 months!!

      Worst: Supervisor at work (not mine) with boundary issues. Bleh – you’ve officially ended my nice two months of calm :(

    7. I can't even*

      WORST: The stuff I mentioned in the mental health thread. Plus, having to go take more money out of my account. It’s now in the three digits. It seems like the universe will not let me get ahead in ANY way. I keep hoping that it’s pushing to a complete reversal of fortune, but the thought that being poor, alone, and childless for the rest of my life makes me wish there was no rest of my life.

      BEST: Had a really lovely evening yesterday with my Doctor Who group. We ate Thanksgiving food, played Cards Against Humanity (my favorite game and my favorite people to play it with; we tend to skew more dirty than evil, LOL). The roasted veggies I made were well-received and mostly survived the trip across town. Also, both the hosts’ kids are autistic and I noticed a VAST improvement in the younger one from the last time I was there–she was nonverbal but is now talking and interacting much more. That was great to see.

  91. Oooooops*

    I’m dreaming of buying an old house in some little Scottish or English village and working from home everyday. Unfortunately I’m a nurse so it’s not really an option. At all. Throw me some cool (even if totally unrealistic) work from home dream ideas guys! What would you do if money/time etc wasn’t a thing?

    One day I’ll be a famous novel writer who can hang out in her old house all day and travel on a whim.

    2. Casca*

      I do work from home as an editor- there are opportunities! Think outside the box, re: medical journals or guidelines

      Maybe more unrealistic: If you would still like to take care of people, could you open an in-home creche or daycare centre? The people will come to you!

      1. nep*

        Hi, Casca. Meet me on next Friday’s work open thread if you can. I’ve got some work-related questions for you. Ta.

        1. Casca*

          Hi,

          I’ll try to remember but don’t count on me. I also come late to the threads because I’m in Australia and I don’t check on Shabbat
          But will try!

    3. Erin*

      Can you work doing clincial review and/or care management for a health plan? Might not work if you’re in a country whose health coverage doesn’t have these roles.

      I’m in healthcare IT and we *love* nurses on staff for things like UI design, usability, etc.

      You could also write a book on caregiving. Or perhaps be some kind of patient advocate (things like doing all the care coordination/planning/fighting with insurance- stuff people with kids have their kids do).

  92. Casca*

    Advice please

    I’m Jewish and have never celebrated Xmas in my life and never intended to. To me, it has been a bit of an overbearing holiday that is so heavily advertised, there are Xmas decorations and parties at work, Xmas songs in every store- it’s not something I enjoy or participate in.

    My sister-in-law is Christian, but not very religious. She has decided she wants to do a big Xmas lunch this year with all of her family including me and my husband. This is partly because she recently broke up with her long-term partner so her previous Xmas plans aren’t going to be happening.
    My husband was going to go and I was planning to sit it out. Her parents (my in-laws) were also planning to sit it out, but she says she has convinced them to go (I spoke to them 2 days ago and they were pretty sure they weren’t going to go). Now she’s called me at work to ask if I can please come so we’re all (excluding one sibling and her husband and kids) there.

    I don’t like Xmas, I’m overwhelmed in crowds, and we won’t be able to eat most of the food because we keep Kosher. I really didn’t want to go, but I also don’t want to make her feel bad.

    What should I do?

    1. Annie Mouse*

      Do you live close enough together to go for just part of the day? Maybe say you can’t make it for lunch but could make it for a few hours in the afternoon (or morning) if it’s going to be a longer than just lunch celebration. That way she gets to feel you’re included but you don’t have to be there for too long. Would that work at all?

      1. Casca*

        I don’t know what’s considered far, but she’s an hour away and we’d likely be dependent on someone driving us because Xmas public transport is… sparse

    2. Sandy*

      I am Jewish and I can be super sensitive about the Christmas stuff.

      My advice is to go to the lunch provided it’s clear that the stocking and under the tree stuff will be done by the time you arrive, and offer to bring a dish so there is at least one thing you can eat.

      1. Cruciatus*

        X is the from the Greek letter Chi and stands in as the word for Christ and has been used for hundreds and hundreds of years.

      2. Veronica*

        Xmas has been used as abbreviation for Christmas since the Middle Ages. The X is not a negation of anything. It is a “chi,” which is the first letter of the word “Christ” in Greek, the original language of the New Testament.

        To answer the OP’s question, I would go, on the theory that accepting hospitality is usually a good choice. (If you think they are going to harass you about religion, my answer would change, but otherwise, I’d show up.)

        1. Casca*

          I don’t think she’d harass me about religion at all- I just feel uncomfortable being part of a Xmas function- it’s not the way I would choose to spend my day

      3. Ramona Flowers*

        Woah. Can you maybe appreciate why someone who’s Jewish wouldn’t want to write Christ out in full?

      4. Book Lover*

        Christ is not a name but a title meaning messiah. Since Jews don’t believe that Jesus was the messiah, we don’t use the word Christ in association with him. And more prosaically, the op may not even have been thinking about that but giving herself a break in typing out the longer name.
        In responding to comments, it is generally worth thinking about why you are responding and what you are hoping to get out of the conversation. Your response is unlikely to do anything except make the op feel more negatively about this time of year. That’s what it did to me, anyhow.

    4. Call me St. Vincent*

      I understand. My in-laws are Christian (my husband and I are Jewish–it’s sort of a long story but involves two conversions with two different marriages on my in laws part). My husband has always celebrated Christmas in a secular seasonal way. When his mom was Jewish, I don’t think he saw it as a big deal because it was something she grew up with and they were always Jewish. I, on the other hand, grew up in a household where if you had a Christmas tree, you were Christian, period. Very different! His mom reconverted back to Catholicism and now she and her husband are very religious, going to mass all the time and very involved in the church. It’s been sort of hard for me to adjust to that and still going for Christmas. I was more comfortable going when it was sort of a seasonal thing, rather than religious. My husband and I have had a ton of discussions about it and we have come to the conclusion that, my in laws do a tremendous amount for us and we love them, so we still go just on the day (not on the eve before) and we make clear to our daughter that we are going to support them on their holiday, even though we don’t celebrate Christmas. To their credit, they celebrate many of the Jewish holidays with us and my mother in law buys special Jewish books for our daughter to show how much she supports us in raising her exclusively Jewish.

      Long story short, it’s totally up to you with what you’re comfortable with. I totally understand and sympathize as I am still not completely comfortable with our arrangement, but I love my in laws and it makes them happy for us to go over there on Christmas day. So that’s just how we have (at this point) learned to handle it. You have to find what works for you!

      1. Casca*

        I guess that’s also something I’m worried about- that this will become an annual event and if I go this year, I have to go every year

        I’m really not comfortable with it at all, but I don’t want to be mean. I had really hoped that my husband going without me (because it’s his sister and it doesn’t bother him as much although it still bothers him a but) would be the answer but she’s not going for it

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Yeah I totally get it. In fact one of the things we have toyed with is maybe going on vacation every other year with my family over the Christmas holiday just so we aren’t here to even go. I think a lot will depend on how things go this year for us. I guess you could go this year for a couple of hours and then next year if it comes up again, just be “away” and not able to come and then so on the following year until it becomes clear you “go away” on Christmas every year and can never make it.

    5. Ramona Flowers*

      Not Jewish but have some Jewish experience in my background (way too complicated to explain further here).

      Okay, so she’s broken up with her partner and wants to make sure she’s not lonely at Xmas, but doesn’t realise you can’t eat the food (and it’s possible you may also not be able to eat off her crockery depending on how observant you are).

      What if you offered to spend some time with her on a different day during this period, and to do something else together?

      1. Overeducated*

        I think this makes sense. It sounds like her core goal is maybe to have family support and company at a time when it can be particularly tough to be alone (precisely because in our culture Christmas is so overmarketed and overbearing). It might be a considerate compromise to try to recognise that part of it by saying something like “we can’t do the lunch because we keep Kosher, how about visiting earlier/later in the day?” or inviting her to do something with you the day before or after. Sometimes people get weird about their specific vision being the only right way, but sometimes they just appreciate you making an effort and showing you care.

      2. Casca*

        She wouldn’t be alone though- if I don’t go, there’s at least 10 other people going

        It’s more about starting a new tradition of spending the day with her relatives instead of her ex’s and so she wants the whole family there

        I suppose that might be a way for me to look at it- it’s just a time to see all the siblings-in law I don’t see as often…

        She knows we can’t eat her food but she thinks she can work around it. We’ve told her it’s easier for us to bring our own food to her house (other occasions) but it doesn’t stick

        1. Someone else*

          If I were you, I’d stick to the original plan and not go. Since there will be so many other people there, you’re not being mean or leaving her in the lurch. It should be enough explanation for her that you are Jewish and don’t want to participate in a Christmas thing. If she can’t accept that, she’s the one being unreasonable.

    6. Book Lover*

      I wouldn’t drive an hour each way if I could avoid it, but if a loved family member wanted to spend time with me/her family after a breakup that changed her life and otherwise would feel sad/lonely, I’d probably do it. I would take my own food if I kept kosher and I’d try to enjoy it as a quiet get together.
      If it would make you miserable and if you really think it isn’t high stakes, though, I might try expressing the difficulty of the travel to her and just say you plan on a quiet day at home to decompress.

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      Nice idea to get together on another date! You’re recognizing that to cope with this season while feeling emotionally fragile means to survive a timespan longer than just Dec. 25.

      But if she really, really wants support on Christmas Day, could you ask if you can come for dessert, and bring something both kosher and easy to eat without utensils (examples: clementines, cookies, rugelach, muffins…clementines might be best because even if they get placed on a plate, you still peel them to get to the edible parts).

      Also, if you come for dessert, maybe you could get arrange to arrive by public transit and get a ride home from one of the other guests.

    8. Temperance*

      Are your husband/in-laws also Jewish?

      I would personally sit out, in your situation. The burden of travel for a holiday that you don’t celebrate is kind of ridiculous, without even touching on how it must feel to be Jewish in this Christian-centered culture.

      1. Casca*

        Yes, they are

        That’s what I want to do!!
        She’s just now started saying she’ll call it chrismukkah instead which makes it worse because it’s got nothing to do with chanuka, which doesn’t even overlap this year

    9. HannahS*

      It’s hard to say. I’m Jewish, keep kosher, and am uncomfortable celebrating (or participating, or appearing to participate) in Christianity–so, similar to you. I think it’s absolutely valid to politely decline and invite her over for dinner the week following to spend some time together. I think your original plan to stay home is totally fine; if your husband is going, she’ll be celebrating Christmas with her nuclear family.

    10. Blue Eagle*

      Your letter could be written by any number of Christians who are not hot on the secular part of celebrating with family on Christmas day or any part of Christmas because for so many, many reasons (including food issues).

      My first thought in responding to your particular situation is to change the circumstance 180 degrees. Is there a Jewish holiday that is generally celebrated with significant other/family that you would feel very sad about if you didn’t have them to celebrate with? Now, what if you invited someone else to be there for you – how would you feel if they responded “it’s not my holiday — too bad for you”.

      Regarding food – your situation is somewhat akin to people with food allergies who write to advice columnists about what to do on these family occasions. They are generally told to bring something that they can eat.

      So, my advice is to determine your answer to my question above and let that drive your decision.

      1. Casca*

        I actually never invite them for Jewish holidays and wouldn’t expect them to want to be there! We usually catch up for Gregorian birthdays- I don’t see them often otherwise

      2. Savannnah*

        This response really overlooks the majority/minority politics surrounding religious celebrations in the US.

      3. Ann O.*

        As an FYI, for the typical even mildly observant Jewish person, your question isn’t going to make much sense. I don’t know how to phrase this well, but while yes, many of our holidays involve big get togethers of family/friends over food, they’re big get togethers of Jewish family/friends. We’re very aware of how uncomfortable it often feels like to be at a celebration that is centered on something you don’t actually celebrate. It makes your hypothetical not really parse.

        I think a lot of secular-identified Christians in the US are very unaware of how uncomfortable it is or that Christmas season is the absolute worst for many of us.

      4. Observer*

        Casca is not planning on telling anyone “it’s not my holiday, too bad on you.” Also, there is a big difference with Christmas in particular, and any other holiday, and the celebrations of the dominant religion and the celebrations of a minority religion.

        But as a religious Jew, if someone told me that particular observances were against their religion, I can’t imagine pressuring them to overlook it “because I want my friends and family around me.”

        As for the food issue, you apparently don’t have a lot of experience with this, even in terms of allergies. It’s often a pretty bad piece of advice. And, depending on the family dynamics, bringing your own food can turn into a major issue.

      5. Stellaaaaa*

        Personally, I would never invite someone to a Passover Seder (or whatever) unless that person had previously expressed a respectful interest in having that experience. The “outreach” component of “let’s invite everyone to this religious gathering” is pretty foreign to me and most of the Jews I know. It’s somewhat culturally specific to Christians, and the fact that you introduce it as a natural, universal point of logic is telling. Jews keep to themselves. There’s a reason there are no Jewish evangelists.

    11. Becca*

      I’m also Jewish, I also hate crowds, and I also don’t do Christmas. Just yesterday I was visiting my BIL and his family in their cute new house and I spent some time here and there in other rooms so I could unwind from all the people. I do this at pretty much any large gathering. My recommendation would be to:

      a) verify that your in-laws are going, since it seems like you get along with them and wouldn’t want to go if they’re not there
      b) ask if there will be a quiet room available for when you need to recharge
      c) assuming they say yes, go! But bring a dish/meal for yourself so you don’t go hungry and a book so you don’t go insane :)

      In terms of asking for the quiet space, phrasing it like of COURSE they’d do it, and of COURSE you won’t go otherwise might help. Maybe someone can offer some wording suggestions for asking for that?

      1. Becca*

        Addendum: For myself, at least, I’d go if the other conditions are met. I don’t mind being a guest at other people’s cultural/religious celebrations, but if that is something that bothers you, there’s no reason to go. Invite your SIL to come visit you for a non-holiday celebration (and save yourself the commute) soon and stick to your ethical/religious guns.

        1. Casca*

          I wonder if that’s feasible.. when we visit for birthdays, I’m always being pulled into the crowd, which is not fun for me.
          At least if I had a quiet spot and a book, I’d feel better about the day

    12. Ann O.*

      That is hard. Personally, that would be a hill to die on for me. I’d compromise offer visiting on 12/26 or 12/24 (depending on which day is a federal holiday) but there is no way I could make it through a big family Christmas gathering.

      Also, I noticed that if you don’t go, you won’t actually be the only one not there. You say that there is one full family set that won’t be there. Given that it’s already an incomplete gathering AND that your husband–the actual sibling–is planning on going, it seems reasonable for you to sit it out. I saw your later post where she’s offered to call it a Chrismukkah gathering, and to me, that’s a sign that she doesn’t really get your POV.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        I think very few people understand the point of view. Even my husband (who is Jewish) doesn’t get how uncomfortable it makes me to go to his mom’s house on Christmas to celebrate. It’s weird to me but literally 100% of non-Jews think Christmas is just a thing everyone celebrates and should be no big deal. I can’t really explain it. All this is to say Casca’s relative doesn’t seem unique in not being able to appreciate how uncomfortable the situation is for her or understand remotely why! I don’t know why this is so hard for people, but it really seems to be.

      2. Casca*

        I’m glad I don’t sound generally unreasonable and other people can recognise the discomfort of the situation- I was getting to the stage where I started doubting myself and maybe I was the evil in-law who didn’t care about family

    13. Stellaaaaa*

      It’s an especially weird situation because you (and the rest of her family) are being used to make her feel better after her relationship ended. It’s not really about you; she’s trying to rope you into a tradition that she started with someone else who had mutual interest in Christmas stuff. She’s not hosting this event to provide enjoyment for others.

      To be clear about this: she knows you’re Jewish and that you keep Kosher. She doesn’t care that this is uncomfortable for you. Don’t let her pressure you into this if you really, really don’t want to go.

      That said, tell her you can only come if she provides Kosher food for you. Emphasize the fact that you can’t skip your own lunchtime to attend a lunch where you can’t eat any of the food.

  93. Glenn*

    As I was walking to lunch a couple days ago, I cut a corner while crossing an intersection on a green light. It’s a T intersection, and I often cut the corner — on my green, due to the shape of the intersection, it’s a dead space that no cars can reach. This time, a woman yelled at me out the window of a car, pretty loudly across a distance of about 20 feet, something like “haven’t you ever heard of a crosswalk?”

    I was a little bit taken aback — I’m a man, making this sort of a weird reversal, and it’s not often that people yell at me out of cars. (Maybe twice prior, in my entire life? One of those was incoherent, and the other was a slur, I guess because I’m a man with long hair.) I just kept walking, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what her deal was. She must be the sort of person who just really enjoys picking fights with strangers? Or she was just having a really unusually bad day?

    Yes, I was technically jaywalking — which already seems like a pretty minor infraction yell at a complete stranger about — but it’s not like I was in her way; I had a green light, and she a red, the whole time. Nor was I in anybody else’s way, although she might not have figured that out, I guess.

    I have no real point, but I’m just perplexed. Does she yell at strangers regularly? Do people just ignore her or do some of them get in her face about it? Is that what she’s hoping for?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Something like that happened to me when I went to Huntington Beach, CA, a couple years ago. My sister, niece and I rented a Camaro convertible for a couple days. We drove down the Pacific Coast Highway one day. A was in a turn lane with me signal on, making a left into a gas station. I waited and waited, as there wasn’t at a traffic light and there were lots of cars coming on the opposite side. I finally turn and the person behind me honks the horn, screams “f-ing a-hole” and tears around me. I was stunned. Did I take too long to turn? Am I really an a-hole? What was I supposed to do? Turn into oncoming traffic and get hit??

      Some people are just very impatient and have a lot of road rage. (My sister is one of them.) They fly off the handle because of some perceived slight towards them. My father-in-law is another. If someone gets in front of him on the highway and he thinks the person is too close, he thinks they “cut him off” and will go out of his way to either blind them with his high beams of it’s at night, or speed around them and then cut them off. Thankfully he no longer drives!

    2. TL -*

      You’ve only been yelled at from cars twice in your life?
      Man, I’ve been yelled at more times than I can count – get out of the road, hey good looking, woooo! – people just yell to yell or because they’re having a bad day and you’re an easy target they can get away from quickly.

      1. fposte*

        I got yelled at once for crossing carefully at a stop sign because the driver didn’t look like she was going to stop. Not sure what behavior she thought she was going to train me out of there.

        1. TL -*

          She was going to train you into reading her mind, obviously!

          Here in NZ, I’ve gotten honked at several times for crossing a street when the car has turned onto the street I’m on after I’ve started crossing it.
          (Here in NZ, pedestrians do not have right of way except in the very sparse crosswalks and their pedestrian and biker death/accident rate is shockingly high, for reasons unknown to mankind.)

      3. Glenn*

        Yeah, now that I think it over, it’s definitely been more than twice — just only twice memorable off the top of my head.

        But as I was racking my brain to think of more examples, I remembered that this isn’t the first time this has happened! Sometime earlier this year or last year, a woman in a stopped car yelled at me as I was crossing the street with my green light — that time it was (as I recall) that I shouldn’t be looking at my phone while crossing the street.

        Again, maybe technically right, not even jaywalking in this case, but come on.

        I bet it was the same woman.

    3. nep*

      It’s all hers. Don’t carry it for her.
      Who knows why she chose to holler like that for such a minor thing. Either she’s always like that — some people are always cranky and actively seek excuses to lash out — or she was having a particularly bad moment, and you happened to be there. I can see how it would be disconcerting; it’s just the shock of such an intense reaction to seemingly nothing.

      1. Sue No-Name*

        Eh, it’s also possible that she *wasn’t* in the wrong. It can be really unsettling to see someone walking across a street when there are vehicles moving nearby, in an unexpected location.

    4. Wrench Turner*

      I yell at cars and pedestrians all the time, usually not in anger, usually with the windows up. Sometimes I forget when I’m on the motorcycle that people can actually hear me. I try to limit it to turn signal-related offenses. If you’re not obstructing my traffic, whatever I’ll ignore you, but if you’re too lazy to walk the 20 more feet down to the crosswalk built just for you and wander across the road, expect an ear full.

      1. nep*

        I’m pretty much constantly yelling in the car — windows up, no one can hear me. I like it as a way to vent when I’m pissed or frustrated about something, but also there sure as hell is no shortage of people driving like absolute jack asses to holler at. It would take something pretty egregious for me to roll down the window so the offender could hear me — generally it’s not worth it.

    5. nep*

      A woman once very nearly plowed me down with her huge SUV (she was on the phone — OF COURSE) — she saw me at the last second and put her hand up to her face ‘oh, I’m so sorry!’ I kept walking, heart pounding. She actually yelled out her window to me: ‘You could at least say thank you!’
      Oh, right, let me get on my knees — thanks for not killing me while on the phone in your huge moving vehicle.

      1. fposte*

        That is wryly hilarious. I wonder how often she’s almost hit someone and *not* apologized for her to feel like this was above-and-beyond virtue.

        1. nep*

          Indeed. It was really rich. I was barely able to walk on jello legs after almost being pulverized by her vehicle, and she was indignant that I didn’t thank her. I wasn’t laughing in the moment but it is hilarious.

    6. Erin*

      I grew up in NY and live in MA. I get yelled at, honked at, gestured at, etc. all the time. We’re a miserable bunch.

  94. MsChanandlerBong*

    Thank you to everyone who was so supportive back in 2015 when my husband and I moved 2,000 from home and had NO money for almost a year. We’re really getting back on track–to date, we’ve paid off $10,239.40 in debt in 2017. That includes paying off our car. We’re working with a mortgage company right now, and we have a plan to bring up our credit scores and get together a down payment for a house (our scores took a HUGE hit when we first moved). It’s still going to take another 9-12 months for us to get where we need to be, but it’s so nice to have a plan to follow and know that it’s going to pay off.

  95. Purple snowdrop is finally free*

    Latest update:
    DS seems to be doing mostly well. There are some things I’m worried about with him, but generally speaking he seems to be doing better than I anticipated.
    I’m going to call my spouse Z from now on for no real reason other than that I need something to call him. Anyway, Z is kind of being reasonable – he’s not arguing with me and agrees with the general principles of what I suggested – but is pushing me to move reeeeeally fast on sorting out one particular issue. I realised a couple of days ago that he’s doing it to keep me off balance – he ostentatiously wants to get the issue sorted quickly, as do I, but I also don’t want to a) screw myself over b) get myself into any financial messes.
    In better news though, I have somewhere to stay for a while that is safe, mine, convenient and cheap. And I can effectively stay as long as I need. So that’s good.
    I have a new piercing and I went to see a band so I’m doing stuff for me too.
    Will write more later if I have time.

    1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

      I’m so pleased that it’s going better than you expected.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Thanks for the update and it is such good news that you have somewhere to stay. I’m sorry to hear you are worried about your son but try to remember it’s early days.

      I think it’s really insightful to realise he is trying to take control and keep you off balance.

    3. Annie Mouse*

      I’m really glad you’re doing as ok as you can so far, still been wondering how you’re doing.
      I meant to share this earlier, don’t know if it would still be of use, even just for some light relief, but there is a page on facebook, Part Time Working Mummy, she has a blog and Instagram as well. Some of her posts are hilarious (five children between her and her birdwatching policeman husband) but it’s also got a serious side in that she helps people in, escaping from or escaped from, DV situations, either with advice or practical help from her ‘crew’ who are just her followers across the country. Thought it would be worth a mention incase it’s useful for you or anyone else on here :)

    5. AnonAndOn*

      Glad to hear from you, Purple snowdrop. I hope things continue to go well for you. I like hearing that you’re doing things for yourself too.

  96. thanksgiving blahs*

    Feeling really bummed today about thanksgiving. Despite trying to coordinate with others, everyone had other plans and no one thought to invite me. I know I will be ok, it’s not the first time, it just seems that this year I was so much more “pro-active” and still ended up with no plans.

    1. nep*

      Sorry — I can see how this could be a real downer. Maybe others thought you already had plans with this or that person in your circle?
      Would you consider starting some kind of new ‘tradition’ for when you’re spending the holiday solo? Reach out to someone you know might be feeling lonely and do something with them? Volunteer at a local soup kitchen or something?

      1. thanksgiving blahs*

        That is a kind way to look at it. I think when I suggested we get together it was clear I did not have other plans though (and many of those are the lonely people, people without close family,etc.)…I just did a lot of work this year on learning how and making more solid connections with others and I thought things would be different but in the end family and lovers/boy/girlfriends and their entourage seem to always take precedence over the odd one out. I spend a lot, if not most, of any holiday alone, so I know I can take care of myself and have a good time.

        2. AnonAndOn*

          Though it may be last minute, there are still a few more days before Thanksgiving, so you may not want to give up on the chance of spending it with people yet. I also like nep’s idea of volunteering, though some places I’ve volunteered at in past did their Thanksgiving celebrations on the eve of, probably assuming that their volunteers would be too busy with their own holiday plans to volunteer on the day of.

          Whatever you choose to do, I hope it’s an enjoyable day for you.

    2. atexit8*

      It’s one day.

      Maybe go out to a Chinese restaurant that is open and order what you like.
      Or maybe order your favorite takeout from a Chinese restaurant. LOL.
      Treat yourself.

      Until my mother came to live near me, I have always been alone on Thanksgiving.
      Just never had any close friends.

      1. AnonAndOn*

        I’ve spent past Thanksgivings alone with delicious Chinese or Indian food. I’ve enjoyed those times greatly. A former friend thought there was something wrong with me for preferring to spend the holidays alone. (Her judgment of me was one of the many reasons why she’s a former friend.) I’m not that into the holidays and see it as just another day.

  97. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

    What’s the weirdest and/or best thing you’ve ever won in a drawing or raffle?

    Somebody mentioned winning an odd thing in a raffle a few weeks ago and I thought it might be fun to share. Things I’ve won:

    – Christmas card display gizmo that was so ugly I donated it right back to the charity that was organizing the raffle

    – the complete works of Bobby Brown and New Edition on cassette

    – a very detailed old school grammar book

    – an iPad

    2. nep*

      (I might have mentioned this on AAM in the past in a different context): It was a radio ‘be-the-third-caller’ thing around a Valentine’s Day theme. Won a stuffed animal, two tickets to some local show, and a night for two at a fancy hotel — the luuuuuv suite, ya know…Rose petals on the bed, hot tub, the whole bit. Well I was not dating anyone at the time — very single. But I decided to claim that prize and had a lovely evening in the suite, me myself and I. What the hell.

    4. CAA*

      A couple of weeks ago I won a year’s supply of ice cream. They define a year’s supply as a $260 grocery store gift card, so that’s actually a pretty good prize.

    5. nep*

      One I’d really like to win for my mom — she’s in the market for a new refrigerator and stove. I recently entered a drawing on line for a set valued at $3,000. (Who knows whether it’s legit? It looked OK and I didn’t have to sign over my first born to enter.) I would be soooooo happy if I got lucky enough to win that. What a great surprise it would be for her.

    6. Sabine the Very Mean*

      When I was a teenager, I want to Cosmopolitan magazine give away which included a book on the art of the female orgasm and a Kama Sutra book. There was a surprising amount of tips regarding enjoying anal sex and I had only just started dating so it was quite the learning experience for me.

    7. I get that*

      Volleyball/badminton set
      A television in 1987 which I still have. My bank was raffling that and a dozen teddy bears. Figured my 18 month old would like a bear.
      A toy laundry set

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I rarely win anything but I’ve gotten a couple.

      –One time I won a Star Trek movie poster from a TV station in California.
      –A couple of fun Doctor Who things from swaps and drawings at my group (a hilariously corpse-y action figure of Eleven, a cool t-shirt, a mug on which the TARDIS appears in space when it’s filled with hot liquid)
      –A book at a con writing panel (it wasn’t very good but I didn’t have the heart to tell the author the next time I saw him)

    9. NeverNicky*

      Not me, but a friend – he won 2 tickets to the England/Australia Test Match at Lords a couple of years ago. Cricket fans will know this is the Holy Grail of matches.

      We were talking about it on Facebook the night before, because Jamie had shocked me by saying he wasn’t going to go. I signed off saying I needed to be up at crack of dawn for an early morning meeting in London and then … lightbulb moment. Jamie hadn’t wanted to go alone, but I was in London and I love cricket … so, because he’d got company, and because we hadn’t seen each other for about 15 years, we took the day off work (he’s self employed, I phoned my cricket loving boss after I’d been to the meeting: “Something’s come up – I’ve got an Ashes ticket!”) and we went.

      It was a fab day in the sunshine, and it was great just meeting up with my friend, but the cricket was the icing on the cake.

    10. Veronica*

      My parents won a large flat-screen TV in a raffle, decided they liked their old TV better, and gave it to me. That was pretty great.
      On the topic of weird . . . I was on a plane once where they were playing a trivia game. I won an absolutely gigantic bag of peanuts by knowing that Captain Kirk’s middle name is Tiberius.

    11. Landlocked Thalassophile*

      I once misdialed the radio station I was trying to win $1000 from, and got another radio station and won two tickets to a play!

  98. Wrench Turner*

    Spent several hours and 2 bottles of wine last night demolishing our kitchen floor. The contractors that flipped the house before we bought it really just polished over a whole lot of problems. The kitchen floor sags and flexes and the 1ft square tiles they put directly on the wood subfloor all cracked. All of them. They hodgepodged whatever underlayment (particle board, plywood) and then just squished in whatever adhesive grout -it looks like 2 or three kinds, whatever was handy. We need to get a chisel today to smash up the remaining bits that are still adhered. Then it’s a layer of new thin plywood and cheap vinyl tiles to cover the floor until we get the first floor remodeled sometime in the next couple of years. Woof. Not how I wanted to spend the weekend but it has to be done. Cracked tile bits were sticking to our feet as we walked.

    While the dust storms raged we settled plans for a little winter break up in NYC. I love the town and would live there if we could afford it. We’ll be sofa surfing from family and friends for a week. I’ll be painting the whole time with some travel books and colors. I can’t wait. I’m desperate for a vacation.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I hear ya on cheap “remodels.”

      Our house is very old (1735) and we bought it a few years ago. It had been vacant for a couple years. The sellers did what I thought was a great job on the cosmetics. When we came for the open house everything looked great: fresh paint, new carpeting, all the wood trim was in great shape, etc. We really had nothing cosmetic to do when we moved in. Three years later, all the carpets look like crap because they have snags, which the cats then decided to unravel (that’s how we realized it was super-cheap carpeting; I believe it’s a very low-end berber); the paint is coming off the trim, the kitchen cabinets, and some doors in really big pieces (I don’t even need to scrape for it to come right off!), which tells me they didn’t properly prime and/or sand before painting; when we pulled up the carpet, we found whoever painted had used a sprayer, which is fine, but they didn’t put down any drop cloths because there’s overspray and paint drips all over the hardwood flooring; and the cheap linoleum, or whatever it is, is coming up in the kitchen and has a ton of deep scratches so it never looks clean. I don’t even know where to start with the fixing up.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This is basically my house. It’s a 1952 cheap-ass post-war tract home. It looked great, though dated, when I bought it. But the floors are uneven, the bathroom is literally falling apart, the ancient concrete front steps have deteriorated to dangerous levels, and now the wind has ripped the siding off the west side near the roof and I can’t afford to fix it. It started to go not too long after I moved in and I have ever had the money to do anything. I am also around $2000 underwater on it. I have dubbed it The Crumbling Albatross.

        I looked it up on Zillow the other day and they had its worth listed as something like $20K over what I owe and I just laughed and laughed. I would love it if I could sell it and make that much. TBF, it has a large and mostly undeveloped lot, but come on.

      2. copy run start*

        Oof, my rental has that cheap berber. It’s all ripping up right between the living room and the hallway transition where they had to cut the carpet. The high traffic areas are totally worn down. The worst is every time I move a piece of furniture, I have to look at the marks from the furniture feet for a good 6 months. The carpet wasn’t brand new when I moved in, but I’ve only been here 5 years and I am not hard on it (always take my shoes off, cat has learned to attack the throw rugs instead of the carpet, regular vacuuming).

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Yes! Mine is coming apart at all the transition spots and I hate it. We plan to tear it up and refinish the hardwood, but there’s a lot, so we’ll need to do it slowly.

        2. Ron McDon*

          I read somewhere that if the carpet is flat from having had furniture on it, you pop an ice cube on the flattened area and leave it to melt; apparently it makes the pile fluff back up again.

          Disclaimer: I have not tried this myself!

    2. copy run start*

      When I was a kid, my parents bought this house in a nice suburb from some dude trying to flip it. My dad was a licensed contractor, and the dude trying to flip it was not. The previous owners had basically lived in it since it was built in the early 60s, so it was basically untouched prior to the flipper. Original everything.

      There was tile from the front entryway back through the hallway and all through the large, eat in kitchen. The flipper covered it with 1″ square bathroom tiles. (I used to get my figurines out and pretend it was the Antarctic ice sheet!) There was a structural post and half wall between the eat in area and the family room that the guy tried to remove (!!). Dad fixed that ASAP, though the half wall took a couple years to return. The absolute worst thing the flipper did though was refinishing the hardwood floors upstairs. It was clear that he had rented a floor sander and attempted to sand it… like he was waxing tile. There were hideous heaves and massive grooves in the hardwood from the massive circles he drug the sander in. Then, to cover it up, he used a really dark stain that made the whole area feel miserable. (It didn’t hide the damage at all.) My parents weren’t even sure it could be salvaged, but luckily the floors probably hadn’t been refinished too many times because we found a guy who did a wonderful job.

  99. nep*

    To what extent do parents here monitor / restrict children’s time on social media? Is it a concern? Do you see an impact of social media in their lives, negative or positive?

    1. I get that*

      I’m fortunate in that my kids are grownups (youngest is 22) so we missed most of the social media issues. But they were not allowed to get cell phones till they could pay the bill themselves. So they were well into their teens before they got phones.

    2. Don't Blame Me*

      My kids aren’t on social media yet because they’re too young (thank goodness) but they do have tablets and so I know what games they’ve downloaded/are playing and I can set a curfew on it to restrict what hours they’re able to use it. The thing I have the most trouble with is YouTube – they know what kinds of things I think are okay for them to watch and what things I think are too old for them, but for the most part I’m not sure exactly what they’re watching all the time and sometimes it makes me uneasy.

      I think they need to use their tablets less than I’ve been letting them so far, but it’s tough because I work from home and when they’re busy on their tablets, they’re not fighting and interrupting me, so I can get more work done. The parents’ catch-22.

  100. Evie*

    Is it ever possible to find out why a friend is ghosting you?

    My friend ” Sara” and I drifted apart. It seemed like she wanted to end the friendship because even though she claimed that she wanted to be friends, her actions spoke otherwise. She would ditch me for other people, make fun of me and my family, and just act like she didn’t want to be around me or any of our friends.

    She could never be happy for me either and it was tiring because the friendship was so one sided. Sara also was going through some stuff and I tried to help, but I had to back away for my own sake.

    I started to drift because I had other stuff going on and I assumed she would. She called and left me an agry voicemail message and I didn’t know what to do. I e-mailed her a few months when I heard that a mutual friend was getting married, but Sara never responded.

    The mutual friend said that Sara was in her wedding and that it was the “same Sara we know and love” (Not
    sure what that means.)

    I guess it’s sort of mutual ghosting, but it’s not like we had some big blow out or anything.

    Is it ever possible to feel closure even though you may not ever get it?

    1. fposte*

      Yes, because closure is internal and most friendship drifts don’t have concrete reasons. Mostly it’s that there’s a limited time for friendship tending and they’re spending that energy elsewhere, and in Sara’s case that seems like a reasonable call–she clearly wasn’t a priority for you. Which is an absolutely legitimate choice on your part, but her responding by deprioritizing you in return is legitimate as well. That’s kind of how friend drift goes.

      Not So New Reader likes that old adage about “friendship for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” You can have perfectly fine friends in all three categories, but that can be startling to realize that most of them aren’t going to be in the last category. I’m crudely guessing from the wedding thing that you’re in your late twenties or early thirties, which is when a lot of friend drift happens as lives get reconfigured. I would just write this off as your paths diverging; maybe in ten or twenty years you’ll find them reconnecting more, who knows.

      1. Evie*

        My friendship with Sara came after she ended a friendship with another friend, so it was always more a “rebound friendship”. We weren’t the same personally and I secretly wondered how we could be friends. Even from the start she was competitive with me and I looked up to her, which may have lead to her taking advantage of me. I think some parts were real and mourn the loss of it, but it is time to move on.

        1. fposte*

          Sometimes it’s about mourning the friendship that you hoped for but never really was, too; maybe you subconsciously hoped that one day that imbalance would be fixed, and now you know it won’t be. But it quite likely wouldn’t have been anyway, so it’s no bad thing to free up that space in your life for something better.

  101. Friendless*

    My social life is pretty much non-existent and I would like to change this, but…. I’m afraid to. Most of my friendships have ended badly and so I’m afraid to repeat this cycle. I’m not perfect and there are things about myself that I would like to change, but I’m sick of being used for rides or as a sounding board or as a punching bag.

    I think that I’ve gotten a little better at standing up for myself, but I still have low self-esteem and people seem to be able to tell and use it to their advantage.

    Given all of this, is it still possible to find a friend or group of friends?

    1. fposte*

      Sure, plenty of people with low self-esteem have friends. I think what often happens isn’t so much that people who would be great friends for somebody else treat you badly, it’s that you end up friends with people who have glommed onto you but that were pushed away by people with stronger boundaries when they started glomming. Also, people with low self-esteem often aren’t confident in initiating friendships or activities and therefore don’t, so their friendships aren’t as selective as they could be and further skew toward people who prefer passivity.

      So if any of that’s you, think about taking the lead in asking to do something together (yes, you absolutely will get turned down sometimes; that’s a sign you’re doing it right, not doing it wrong), think about saying no to doing something if that person doesn’t seem like they treat people the way you want to be treated, make sure you don’t always wait until they’re done talking, and shut it down if they’re mean or want service. Good luck! I hope you find some nice people.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Why not check out some books on setting boundaries? Start by picking one book that resonates the most to you. I say one book, because you should actually read it. I know if I bring home ten then none of them get read. So bring home one, read it, see what you think. Go get another book, if you decide to read another one.

      Things I wish I had learned growing up: [sigh]
      Friendships are a back and a forth. I have a guy friend now who is probably one of the best examples of a give and take relationship. I can honestly say my life is better because of being friends with him. Friends should add to our lives in some manner.

      Friends who really care about you, also care about the people YOU care about. My dear-dear neighbors are having serious difficulties. A side effect is that their garbage is piling up. So my friend came over with his pickup and loaded it all on his pickup to bring to the dump. He knows I care a lot about these people and if they are in trouble I get concerned. He cares about the people I care about. (They had two pickup loads, this was going to be a health/safety issue if it sat there. They keep their property immaculate so not being able to get to the dump was very upsetting for them.)

      Friends should be people we admire and learn from. Basic respect has to be in place and hopefully we feel lifted because this person is in our lives.

      1. Purple snowdrop is finally free*

        OT:
        “Friends who really care about you, also care about the people YOU care about.”
        I wish I’d known that before getting married. Le sigh.

        1. Red Reader*

          See, I don’t know that I can agree with that statement personally. But I am also a curmudgeon and have found that I can’t stand most of my friends’ friends. I honestly have no idea why, aside from that I generally don’t like people period. Whether I dislike my good friend’s friend and therefore don’t care at all about her personal problems has no impact whatsoever on my feelings about my good friend, and if my good friend felt that I had to care about her other friend just because she does, she would probably not be quite so good a friend anymore.

  102. nep*

    Has anyone had therapy and/or surgery for a lumbar disc affecting a nerve? The diagnosis is stenosis — the nerve to the left of L4, L5 is being crowded out by something — a bulging disc? Not sure.

    1. fposte*

      You betcha. (danr who posts here sometimes has as well; it might also be in Ms. Chnandler Bong’s wheelhouse.) Here’s an overview; feel free to ask about anything else.

      Generally, stenosis is a term reserved for when there’s a growth of bone narrowing the canal; while disks can certainly cause problems all on their own, that’s not usually what they’d mean when they say “stenosis.” I had a laminectomy, shaving the bone back in the canal to give stuff more room again, and a microdiskectomy, nipping off the end of a disk that was leaning on the nerve. I had minimally invasive surgery, so it was outpatient and I was home the same day, which I wanted so much I went out of town to do it.

      Most disk stuff settles down on its own but is pretty unpleasant in the mean time; irritated nerves are really slow at settling down. McKenzie physical therapy is worth seeking out specifically if you can find it. Sometimes an oral steroid pack can be useful as well; it’s one of those situations where the inflamed nerve can get further inflamed from contact with the disk and the vertebra, and shrinking it down some can give it some room to heal unimpeded. Some people get relief from steroid injections are losing favor–my research indicated that they didn’t tend to have good results, and my surgeon said that he’d found not only was that true but that insurance companies were balking at covering them because of their limited results.

      In general spine stuff is a very subjective area and spinal nerve pain is not simple or logical, so the recommendations you get depend a lot on what doctors you see. I would recommend going to a spine specialist rather than a general orthopedist or sports med doc if possible both for assessment and for any surgeries that happen, but it’s really up to the patient and the patient’s insurance to decide whether surgery makes sense (it almost always will to a surgeon!).

      Any other questions?

      1. nep*

        Thanks — very helpful. So how were / are you after that surgery? (What were your symptoms before and have they gone away?) I know this is all different from person to person, but interesting to hear.

        1. fposte*

          Since we’re talking disks–I’ve actually had two spine surgeries. The first was a cervical diskectomy with fusion of two vertebrae. That was brilliant. I have some…learned pain patterns? stressful asymmetries?–I think you’ll get the general idea, you know this stuff–in the upper back that bug me now and then but I’ve learned how to stave the off, and strength helps a lot with that. Basically, surgery straight out fixed things to where they were before things went bad.

          The lumbar one–well, you can follow my progress on AAM that year to some extent. Recovery was tougher than advertised, the nerve pain is still a factor in a lot of daily life, and I’m going to stay on Lyrica forever. It’s still *hugely* better than before surgery; I probably would have had to go on disability otherwise. But especially in tandem with the physical obligations of work (read: sitting a lot) the problem has definitely limited some of my life.

          I will also say that in both cases I wish I’d had surgery earlier; it took close to a year in both cases and those were very bad years. I’m totally down with the “wait to see if PT and time helps before we cut you” approach, but various factors delayed the actual surgeries well beyond a reasonable interval for that. I think I might have had a slightly better outcome with the second if surgery had been earlier, and I’d sure have had a lot fewer write-off months. But that’s a lot easier to see in hindsight. So that’s why with my hindsight I say plan to see a surgeon ASAP; you don’t have to *have* the surgery, but it wouldn’t hurt to start getting those surgical ducks in a row early.

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        This one is not in my wheelhouse. I’ve had four laminectomies to repair a tethered spinal cord. I think many people have microsurgery today, not the full open laminectomy. I currently have six stress fractures running from L2 to S2, but I don’t think I’ll need surgery for them.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Am shaking my head. The first chiro I went to said, “stenosis”. I was not wowed by this chiro and a while later I went to a different chiro who did wow me. He said, “What stenosis?”

      I think you are cautious about some medical stuff? It’s not fun going to another doc, but it may be worthwhile if you are looking for non-invasive ideas.

    3. nep*

      Thanks, both.
      It’s for a relative — doctor told her the MRI showed ‘stenosis’. When she went in for a consultation about how to proceed, the specialist (? / not sure) showed her the image and talked about a disc protruding.
      Appreciate the feedback, insights.

  103. AnonAndOn*

    I’m starting another thread about our pet peeves regarding TV shows and movies. I liked the thread that was started in a past weekend thread and have more things to bring up.

    1. The volume is down on a TV show the characters are watching (usually a newscast), but when they turn the volume up to listen in it’s during an important information dump. They never miss an important part of this newscast.

    2. Using actors who are too old or too young for a role. I notice this a lot in TV movies. I have no problem with this in sitcoms and comedies because those things aren’t taking it seriously, but it stands out more to me in dramas.

    Examples: Cynthia Gibb and Mitchell Anderson, who were 24 and 26, playing Karen and Richard Carpenter when they were 13 and 17 in “The Karen Carpenter Story,” instead of hiring younger actors for that segment of the movie. Jenny Seagrove was fine playing Emma Harte from her teens to 20s in “A Woman of Substance,” but it looked obvious when the character became middle-aged and her kids looked older than she did. (At least Deborah Karr was used when the character was in her 60s.) Fifty-two-year-old Lee Remick playing a college-aged Frances Schreuder in “Nutcracker: Money, Madness & Murder.”

    Those movies should’ve coughed up a little extra money to cast more age-appropriate actors in those roles.

    1. fposte*

      I don’t remember which comedian it was who had a Bonanza joke: “Pa?” “Yes, Adam?” “You’re my father right?” “Yes, I am.” “Then why am I older than you?”

      There’s also a recent Cracked article on this subject, which I will link in followup.

        1. AnonAndOn*

          Thanks for that. I knew Gabrielle Carteris would make the list. I remember hearing somewhere that she didn’t disclose her age when she was cast. I can’t remember the exact details, but it was something in the lines of answering the question “Are you over 18?” or “Are you over 21?” with a “yes.”

    2. Lily Evans*

      When characters walk into their house and don’t close the front door! It happens all the time if you look for it and it drives me nuts.

      1. AnonAndOn*

        To piggyback off of that, when they don’t lock it. And then the annoying neighbor barges on in like they own the place – tsk!

    3. caledonia*

      I assume that 16 and unders can only work a certain amount of hours – that was certainly the case for Winona Ryder at the time she did Heathers. Also, being age appropriate may exclude many capable actors of the part – possibly one of the main factors to getting x actor cast in x role.

      1. AnonAndOn*

        Yep, I’m aware of child labor laws and that’s why a lot of 20-somethings play teenagers. But the examples I listed above are extreme issues of this. There’s no reason for a 50-something actress to play an 18-year-old.

        1. fposte*

          So with something like Nutcracker, where the character is being played over a span of decades, do you favor using different actresses? Because if they don’t use different actresses, I’d rather they cast for the older end and have her play down rather than having one of the few roles for over-forty actresses played by a twentysomething.

          However, I also realize we’re just kicking peeves around, and there are definitely moments when I’ve had the same irritation as you here.

          1. AnonAndOn*

            “Because if they don’t use different actresses, I’d rather they cast for the older end and have her play down rather than having one of the few roles for over-forty actresses played by a twentysomething.”

            I hear what you’re saying there, especially with issues of age discrimination. But I like as much realism as possible in what I’m watching. I feel that if more roles were made for older women then they wouldn’t have to play younger parts, even if it’s for a short segment of a movie. And I feel the opposite too: I don’t like seeing them slap on a gray wig and a few obviously fake wrinkles to make a 20-something appear to be 100.

            1. fposte*

              I wonder if there will be some amazing post-production abilities in the next few decades that will make this less of an obvious problem.

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      Almost all on-screen therapists are terrible and it makes me mad. Especially the ones that seem okay as they meet most people’s stereotypical idea of what they should be like – when they actually suck.

      1. AnonAndOn*

        May be a spoiler (if you watch the show) so read with caution:

        A new character was added to “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” who’s the lead character’s outpatient psychiatrist. He said he was going to give her a diagnosis and told her not to look up her diagnosis online. I felt that wasn’t the brightest idea because lead character went and did exactly that. I feel that he should’ve talked with her about what led to that diagnosis instead of dangling a carrot in front of her like that.

        1. Casca*

          Yup- it was weird to give her the diagnosis and then immediately send her off to group therapy with no discussion. Considering, what did he think would happen??

    5. Annie Mouse*

      I have to say one time I have seen the age thing done fantastically well was Clive Dunn (aged 48 at the start of filming) playing Lance Corporal Jones (70) in Dad’s Army.
      Normally, I find it really cringey when ages are so obviously out.

  104. Lily Evans*

    I’m in Amsterdam for a few days and I went to the Anne Frank house today, which is something I’d wanted to do since I read her diary when I was ten. I had thought that since they only sell a certain number of tickets for each time slot that it wouldn’t be too horribly crowded. But I thought wrong. It was so full of people that the crowd would bottleneck in places and everyone just had to constantly shuffle along, there was no chance to stop and actually take things in without someone right on your heels. People were impatient and huffy if they couldn’t keep going, which felt really disrespectful. It was just a pretty big disappointment since I’d wanted to see it for so long and couldn’t even pause to read everything along the way in the museum.

    I did have a great lunch after though. Shout out to whoever it was who recommended Moeder’s when I asked for recommendations here a while back! I had a vegetarian hotchpotch there and it was fantastic.

    1. AnonAndOn*

      Glad you got to go (and had a good lunch after) but sorry to hear about your experience with the crowds. I cannot stand crowds.

      I went to the Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and Culture earlier this year and had the same crowded experience. I too wanted to take in the experience but there were throngs of tourists and teenagers mulling about (and the latter were running around and goofing off) and I have a strong aversion to crowds.

      And you paid for your experience…I would’ve thought that they would’ve handled the influx of people better in your case.

      1. Lily Evans*

        Yeah, and at least in most museums you usually have the option of patiently waiting out large groups of people or doubling back if one area is particularly crowded, but this was so small and laid our so there was one specified path for everyone to walk and single file in some spots. I’m usually perfectly happy to park myself on a bench and wait for a crowd to thin, but it wasn’t an option unfortunately. And I find it ironic that the tickets give a specified timeslot but say that you can stay in the museum as long as you wish when it’s so obviously set up to encourage people to get in and out quickly.

  105. Going anon for this post bc it’s ick*

    Any dream interpreters here? I’ve had a disturbing dream 2x the last few months Where I’m assaulted by someone I know. The person in real life is very pleasant; I don’t talk to him outside of work, but we have a good relationship otherwise. Most imp I’ve never felt uncomfortable or creeped out in his presence. Not sure why that’s happening.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes when we sleep the mind wanders around and picks up ideas to do random things with. This is a place where 2+2=5.67. In other words, logic is optional.
      I read something in Ann Landers years ago. She said if you are having nightmares for any length of time get a check up. In my own life I have seen this to be true. Once I confronted a problem medically, the dream stopped.
      The only other thing I can think of is to look around you, consider people who are not Pleasant Person and ask yourself if you think you are safe with these other people, too. Sometimes in dreams the target wears a costume of another person/event/setting.

    2. HannahS*

      Personally, I find that my dreams are usually a combination of what’s worrying me (short or long term) and anything that was unique about my day, or even what I’ve seen on TV. Maybe the saturation of harassment and assault reports in the news interacted with you thinking or interacting with your colleague to create an awful dream. The last time I had dreams about sexual assault–like, woke up with heart pounding in a sweat–it was a sign that I couldn’t continue watching Law and Order: SUV.

    3. nonegiven*

      Is there any thing, any place, or any one else in your life that you feel/felt safe about but there are signals you might be over looking that are red flags? It doesn’t have to be about the person or even a person, it could be anxiety about the future in some other aspect of your life, job, health, family, finances, etc. Do you feel taken advantage of in some way? What about yourself? Have you been beating yourself up about something?

  106. Aurora Leigh*

    So I’m not sure how much of an issue this is, but I’m afraid if I talk about it to anyone irl they will freak out.

    My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months. He is a lovely sweet and caring man. I love him so much. We are planning a future together and recently adopted a puppy together.

    But my boyfriend’s dad had a lot of issues when the kids were small that he is now medicated for. Boyfriend has said his dad was “basically bipolar”. His sister’s have mentioned this to me well.

    I have seen boyfriend occasionally struggle with anxiety (and he has said he will get medication if needed) once he was crying, and one he was so frustrated with a home repair issue he kicked the wall and made a hole in the drywall.

    Last night he came home from work after a long day and found the dog had chewed the cord on a $60 surge protector. He handled that all right but then the dog peed on the floor and bf tossed the dog on the porch. (Puppy wasn’t hurt, though confused) Honestly, it scared me.

    I wasn’t going to confront him about it when we were both tired, but he kept asking if I was okay when we went to bed and said he could tell my heart was beating really fast. I confessed that he scared me and he was apologetic and said he would try to do better. His heart was beating really fast and he said he never wanted me to be scared and I know he meant it.

    But I couldn’t help thinking what of we had a kid?

    And I’m worried that he may end dealing with the same issues his dad had/has and I don’t know what to do. My family mostly runs toward depression for mental health issues and my dad has a short temper sometimes, but this was different.

    What should I watch for? What are signs I should talk to him about seeing a dr/getting meds? Anyone else dealt with similar?

    For the record, I’m not at all afraid he’ll hurt me.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      “he said he never wanted me to be scared and I know he meant it.”

      This worries me a bit because you already had reason to feel scared, and saying something like this doesn’t really address the problem.

      My advice to you is not to worry about whether he is also going to develop bipolar disorder and watch for it as, honestly, that’s not really any way to live, for you OR him.

      What you can do, however, is decide what is and is not okay with you, regardless of what the cause is. It is not your job to fix him, or look after his health or his behaviour. He needs to do that – you cannot do it for him. If you don’t feel able to talk to him about this, it’s a worry. Perhaps consider talking it through yourself with someone like a therapist.

      Personally I am wary of people who make big statements like “I never want you to feel x” as they so often seem to come after making you feel that way. I would be looking not for signs of what is or isnt wrong but signs that he is able and willing reflect on his behaviour and signs that you are brushing things aside to keep the peace.

      What is he going to try, when, and how? I think you need to carefully consider whether that is all talk, or if he is willing to work on himself.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        I do think that realizing he scared me genuinely scared him.

        And he did say that he would try to do better. I know it’s something we need to talk about more in depth, which is why I didn’t want to talk about it after midnight when we were both so tired.

        Thank you for giving me more to ponder.

        1. fposte*

          I think having a fuller conversation when you’re both calm is a great idea. A question I’d ask in that conversation: presuming you really do mean “tossed” about the dog, does his response about you being scared means he thinks that that would have been a reasonable response as long as you hadn’t been there? IOW, is the behavioral limit “what scares Aurora Leigh” as opposed to “things that are damaging ways to handle anger”?

          1. Aurora Leigh*

            Thank you for the wording. Yes it was actual tossing. That is what scared me . . . when he’s been mad before it’s always be directed at inanimate objects and I can understand throwing your phone or kicking the wall but this was different.

            I think his responses last night were coming from a place of genuine fear that I would leave him (like right that minute), which is why I want to reopen the conversation when both our emotions aren’t running so high.

            1. AnonAndOn*

              I agree with others who said that talking to him in a calm moment is a good idea, though I’m worried about him tossing the dog in anger. Those who mistreat animals sometimes segue towards mistreating people too. Not saying that he will, but it’s something to think about.

                1. Red Reader*

                  Me too.

                  Whatever mental health issues your fellow may or may not have, that’s a totally separate issue from mistreating animals or children, don’t fall into the trap of “I have to put up with (bad behavior) because he has (issue).” As an absurd example — he may have dropping-bowling-balls-on-toes-itis, but you are not obligated to stay with him if you’re not okay with having bowling balls dropped on your toes, even if he (says he) can’t help doing it. (And I say this as someone who is married to a man in treatment for bipolar and anxiety. A diagnosis does not obligate me to put up with bad behavior – it gives me fuller context in which to interpret that behavior, but I can still decide that it’s not behavior I’m willing to tolerate.)

            2. fposte*

              I think you’re thinking about this very clearly, and it’s a hard one.

              For the record, lots of people cry, lots of people get mad, lots of people have bipolar. However, they are different circles than the people in the Venn diagram of those who deal with their anger through destruction; there may be some overlap, but you can be perfectly medicated and still think it’s fine to fling a dog. What I’d be looking for from him is some realization that he’s been dealing with his anger through violence (a one-off of kicking the wall I’d consider at least a yellow flag, and this is now officially not a one-off) and that it has to stop. I’d also hope for realization that it would make a lot of sense to go to a professional on this one rather than just promising to do better. It’s not like he didn’t previously know it was bad to fling an animal and will stop now that he knows–he’s got a habit of doing bad stuff when he gets angry and thinking it’s okay. It’s possible your reaction will help illuminate for him that it’s really not okay, and not just because it upsets you or might mean he loses you.

              Good luck, and I hope things get worked out.

              1. Aurora Leigh*

                Thank you fposte! You always have such wise advice.

                Me mentioned that his sisters both had issues crop up when they turned 30 and just turned 29, so I think on some level he has this idea that he doesn’t need to worry for another year.

                Hopefully we can work stuff out. This isn’t a situation I ever thought I’d find myself in and my intitial reaction was just to freeze up. Telling him it scared me was literally all the words I could pull together in the moment.

                I’m not afraid to leave him if it comes to that, but I want to try and see if we can fix this first.

                1. fposte*

                  I think he’s overleaning on this framework of familial mental illness in general; it sounds like it’s been a huge part of his framing of himself to you. But it may not be the same as the family problem, and it doesn’t have to be a family problem for it to be a him problem.

            3. Observer*

              And this is why it doesn’t matter whether he is “going to have” bipolar or any other specific diagnosis. What matters is that he reacted in a very bad way and that he did something that is problematic, no matter the reason.

              He needs to do something about this – you can’t. What you need in the short term is to hear from him that he genuinely understands what was wrong with what happened, beyond the fact that he scared you, and WHAT he is going to do about making sure this never happens again. Not generalities, but a plan of action.

              In the longer term, you need to make sure you see signs of genuine improvement.

        2. Alexandra Lynch*

          “Trying to do better” needs to include getting therapy for his ability to handle frustrating and upsetting events. Now. Not later when the dog eats his shoes, or he discovers it’s been going behind something and peeing and that’s why the room smells funky. And definitely not when you have a kid. I am permanently emotionally scarred from a father who had problems coping with frustration without yelling and stomping about. He never hit me or my mother either. But.

          The time to fix this is now.

    2. HannahS*

      If he’s taking out his anger on a dog, that is a big sign he needs to see a doctor or get meds. If he’s taking out his anger on inanimate objects, it’s a sign. What you witnessed was an escalation of his inability (or lack of desire) to control himself. Violence on inanimate objects (punching walls, smashing things, throwing things), which is already a bad sign BTW, progressed to violence to living things. It’s not relevant that he didn’t want to scare you. A dog chewed a cord and peed on the floor? That is a normal, banal, mildly frustrating part of pet ownership. The fact that he reacts to a fairly minor stressor with violence should really worry you, and frankly I’m concerned that you’re not worried that he’ll hurt you. Weren’t you sure that he would never be violent to the puppy? You’re already not sure that he wouldn’t be violent to child, and you’ve only been together for eight months. Why isn’t HE more concerned with his inability to control himself? This is not a matter of “I’m sorry, I’ll try harder next time.” This is already a very serious situation, and I urge you to talk to a therapist yourself, even if he refuses.

    3. Observer*

      You’ve seen all the signs you need. He reacted really inappropriately to the puppy’s behavior, and scared you. “I don’t want you to be scared” is a nice sentiment, but without some explanation of how intends to make it happen, it’s meaningless. And “I’ll try to do better” is NOT anywhere close to a good answer.

      You need to talk to him about therapy and possibly medication. And you need to really, seriously reconsider your future with him if he doesn’t.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Let him know that you can’t do this thing with the outbursts of anger. And reassure him that you will help him with stuff.
      I can’t tell if this is nature or nurture. We tend to handle things the way we see others handle things. Primarily we learn from our family. It’s hard to tell if there is a force driving this behavior OR if he just has no other plan on what to do when upsets occur.

      I’d like to think that he is with you because he is seeking something better than he has known at home. But it makes sense for you to be eyes-wide-open here.

      I think that giving him new tools might be very supportive. For example: how about the two of you go to puppy training classes together. You both learn and you both decide to use the same approach with the pup.

      I have a friend who frequently loses his temper over little things. He is not mad at me, he is mad at the thing that has gone wrong. I developed a set of go to sentences that I repeat at each occurrence. “It’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. We can fix this.” I am wearing him down with these repeated assurances. I see him switching to humor quicker.

      Maybe he could benefit from some anger management counseling. Anger itself is NOT wrong. We have the emotion of anger for a reason. It’s how we use that anger that is the key part.

      I know with my husband when we were dating he threw a thing across the room a couple of times. On the third episode, I told him that I can’t handle that throwing stuff in anger thing that he was doing. He stopped. Cold, hard stop. I was with the man for close to three decades, he never did it again. Sometimes we have to have the brass to tell them to stop. Clearly, YMMV.

    5. TL -*

      I would bet money he’s perfectly capable of controlling his temper at work or in the grocery store, no matter how frustrated he is.

      And bipolar/anxiety/any mental illness is not an excuse for that kind of behavior. If he needs a physical outlet, he can excuse himself to go for a run, scream into his pillow, or buy a punching bag that he can use to burn off steam. If he feels his emotions are beyond his ability to control, he needs to book an appointment ASAP.

      But I honestly think what’s happening is that he’s throwing temper tantrums and not expecting consequences. He needs to figure out an adult way to deal with his feelings that doesn’t harm you, your puppy, or him. And I think you should probably think about slowing things down until this is resolved – if you’re scared about him hurting puppies and children, you should not be planning a future with him.

  107. DevAssist*

    I know I’m late to the party here, but this in a non-work question:

    Anyone here into cross stitching? I’m considering taking on the hobby in the new year, but I have always been horrible at knitting and the like.

    1. E*

      I’ve done several cross stitch projects, it’s a bit of a “do several weeks and then be burned out on the little stitches” for me though. I love the finished projects, but one every couple of years is about all I can stand. It’s definitely low cost to try, just pick up a kit that has the fabric and thread already included.

    2. Aealias*

      Start with something small! Right after December you should be able to pick up little Christmas ornament kits quite cheaply. Small objects like that are rewarding because they’re quickly completed.

      Be aware that there are two major types of cross-stitch: printed and counted. Printed have the colours of the design painted right on the fabric and you go over them with the floss. The effect can often be subtle and lovely, and mistakes tend not to be dreadful. Counted, you follow a chart (5 stitches in this colour, then go up a row, sort of thing) to create a design on otherwise blank fabric. Designs tend to be a little bolder (water-colour-y effects are possible, but much harder) and mistakes can have terrible knock-on effects. I like it better, though. One approach will probably appeal to you more than the other.

      If you like painting with yarn but dislike the structure and rigidity of cross-stitch, you might also try crewel embroidery.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I like stamped cross stitch because I am too lazy to count.
      Start with a small kit and take your time. One thing that is easy to over look is the thread on the needle will twist as you pick up and set down the work repeatedly. It’s helpful to let your thread UNtwist by holding the work so the needle dangles.
      You may like this better than knitting. Knitting requires coordinating two hands. In cross stitch one hand just holds the work piece. If you decide to do it for a while, you may enjoy getting a nicer plastic “hoop” to hold your work.
      Be sure to set yourself up well for this. Take a piece of scrap card board and cut holes in it to match the number of colors of threads you have. Twelve colors equals twelve holes. I used to just take scissors and cut holes around the perimeter of the cardboard until I had enough. Then I put them through the holes in the same order that the instructions in the kit uses. This is worthwhile doing because invariably this kits have 3 shades of green 2 shades of blue and 5 shades of brown. Pre-sorting means each time you want light brown you get the same color you used the last time you wanted light brown.
      It’s fun and the pieces usually come out nice.

  108. Struggling*

    Ask for cheaper cable? Your post seems a bit insulting to me. Anyone who is paying for cable while not paying rent is simply irresponsible! I haven’t had cable, nor watched any kind of broadcast TV, since 2010 (where I live, you need cable for regular TV reception). That is when the first of a series of unfortunate events occurred that impacted my income, and I pulled the plug on that service. I never got cable after that, even though I eventually got the job that recently let me go, and I could possibly have afforded it. But I was still living paycheck to paycheck and didn’t see TV as worth the extra expense.

    How could anyone struggling to pay their landlord justify paying for cable????

    I already have a cheap pre-paid cell phone plan and a cheap pre-paid wifi plan, both from MVNOs. If I can’t pay them, I don’t have service.

    Right now, all my bills are: Rent, gas & electric, wifi, cell phone, and food. That’s it. I had a payment plan with my gas & electric provider, but could not make the payments. I owe them about $600 and they will probably turn off my electricity on Monday.

    I was able to make my first installment on the payment plan with my landlord after a very kind and generous businessman handed me a $100 bill a few days ago. Thankfully, there are people out there who intuitively can tell when someone is in need and don’t just refuse across the board to give money to anyone. Panhandling is the act of asking someone to give a gift, and no one is obligated to do it – of course – but all I ever ask for is $1. I am grateful for the charity he showed me because it has afforded me some time to find more reliable remedies for my situation. It doesn’t make my problems go away, though, and I still have a lot of work to do while fighting this state of depression I am in. It isn’t kind to tell someone clinically depressed to just clean up.

    1. Struggling*

      That was meant to be a reply to atexit8’s post to me from Nov. 18 that said:

      “How sustainable is panhandling?
      I am glad people are giving you money, but I personally don’t give money to panhandlers.

      . . . Call your cable company and tell them you only want the cheapest cable and the slowest internet.
      Switch your cell phone service to a cheaper plan.

      De-clutter.”

      Also, panhandling is not sustainable, nor do I hope it will be. It is a temporary way for me to pay some bills, born of desperation.

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